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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43996 ***
+
+THE
+
+AMERICAN JOE MILLER.
+
+
+
+
+THE
+
+AMERICAN JOE MILLER:
+
+A Collection of Yankee Wit and Humour.
+
+COMPILED BY
+
+ROBERT KEMPT.
+
+"I love a teeming wit as I love my nourishment."--_Ben Jonson._
+
+"Oh, you shall see him laugh till his face be like a wet cloak ill
+laid up!"
+
+                    _Shakespeare._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+LONDON:
+
+ADAMS AND FRANCIS, 59, FLEET STREET.
+
+[ENTERED AT STATIONERS' HALL.]
+
+1865.
+
+
+
+
+LONDON:
+CLAYTON AND CO., PRINTERS,
+17, BOUVERIE STREET.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE.
+
+
+So far as the Compiler is aware, no good collection of American
+wit and humour exists on this side of the Atlantic; certainly, no
+collection worthy to be considered as the American Joe Miller. In the
+well-known "Percy Anecdotes," in the numerous English Joe Millers,
+and other jest-books, a few of Brother Jonathan's good things are to
+be found, in company with the rich and genial wit of John Bull, the
+pawky humour of the Scotch, and the exuberant mirth of Paddy; but it
+is believed that the present is the first attempt to present anything
+like a complete collection of American witticisms to English readers.
+While every justice has been done in this matter to Scotland by Dean
+Ramsay's inimitable "Reminiscences of Scottish Life and Character;"
+and while a kindred service has been performed for England by Mr.
+John Timbs, and still more recently by Mr. Mark Lemon, not to mention
+others, no one, seemingly, has bethought him of gathering together the
+happy scintillations of Brother Jonathan's intellect. The Compiler
+trusts that he may have undertaken this task with at least some
+success.
+
+No one at all familiar with the periodical literature of America will
+deny that the Americans are a witty people. Whether their native wit
+be so intellectual and refined as the English, so quaint and subtle
+as the Scotch humour, or so strong and hearty as the Irish, or,
+again, whether it be so keen and compact as the French _esprit_, may
+be reasonably questioned; but that it is a straw that _can_ tickle,
+and therefore, according to Dryden, an instrument of happiness,
+all must admit. In considering the nature of American humour, it
+is obvious that broad exaggeration is its great characteristic. It
+is essentially _outré_. No people seek to raise the laugh by such
+extravagant means as the Yankees. Their ordinary speech is hyperbole,
+or tall talk. They never go out shooting unless with the long bow.
+Again, their humour comes from without, rather than from within,
+and is less a matter of thought than of verbal expression. It deals
+with the association of ideas rather than with ideas themselves.
+Transatlantic wit is not as a rule terse, epigrammatic, pungent,
+like the wit of Lamb, Hood, or Jerrold, which often lies in a single
+sentence or even word. The humour of Sam Slick or James Russell
+Lowell, for instance, lies as much in accessories as in the thing
+itself. It is nothing unless surrounded by circumstantial narrative.
+But in this it must be confessed the Americans are great masters.
+The humour of a people always reflects the character of that people,
+and character, as we all know, is influenced in no small measure
+by country and climate. Our American brethren are born, or as they
+themselves say "raised," in a country whose physical features
+have been planned on a scale far surpassing in magnitude--not
+unfrequently in beauty also--those of every other country in the
+world. The Americans feel this, and are justly proud of the extent
+and magnificence of America. It leads them to compare it with other
+countries, and the comparison is certain to result in favour of their
+own. Theirs is the country of Lake Superior. Columbia is a Triton
+among the minnows. Into this Brobdignag of our cousins Munchausen
+emigrated early, and the genius of the celebrated German Baron still
+continues to control its people. Only in America will you find a
+man so tall that he is obliged to go up a ladder in order to shave
+himself, or so small that it requires two men and a boy to see him;
+only in America do the railway trains travel so fast that the train
+often reaches the station considerably in advance of the whistle;
+only in America are the fogs so thick that they may be cut with a
+"ham knife." It is only an American artist who can paint a snow-storm
+so naturally that he catches cold by sitting near it with his coat
+off; it is only in America that sportsmen are such dead shots that
+the birds when they see the gun "come down," rather than abide the
+consequences of remaining "up;" and it is only in America that every
+man is "one of the most remarkable men in the country." It must be
+said of American humour, that you can always, and at once, "see the
+joke." Its meaning is never hidden, and it seldom, if ever, takes the
+form of the _double entendre_. To borrow an idea from Elia, there is
+no need to grope all over your neighbour's face to be sure that he
+appreciates a genuine Yankee joke. The grins it causes are the very
+broadest, and the laughter it evokes is the very loudest.
+
+While the Compiler hopes that all his readers may find something to
+laugh at in the wise saws of Sam Slick, the broad grins of Artemus
+Ward and Joshua Billings, the marvellous (impossible?) feats of the
+renowned Major Longbow, and the cute remarks of those notorious
+personages, the Down Easter and the Western Editor, which he has
+here collected, he also trusts that none of them may find anything
+to regret. Care has been exercised to exclude everything of an
+objectionable character from the collection.
+
+Since his elevation to the presidential chair, Mr. Lincoln has
+acquired the reputation of being a good story-teller, and a number
+of the best things attributed to "honest old Abe" have been included
+in the collection, which will also be found to contain many of the
+humorous stories and incidents to which the present unhappy war has
+given rise. "Honest good humour," says Washington Irving, one of
+America's greatest sons, "is the oil and wine of a merry meeting." It
+is the earnest wish of the Compiler that the following pages may serve
+to convince every reader of the truth of the remark.
+
+                    R. K.
+
+_January 2, 1865._
+
+
+
+
+THE
+
+AMERICAN JOE MILLER.
+
+
+EARLY RISING IN CONNECTICUT.--1.
+
+The editor of the _Eglantine_ says that the girls in Connecticut, who
+are remarkable for their industry, drink about a pint of yeast before
+going to bed at night, to make them _rise_ early in the morning.
+
+
+SMALL LOAVES.--2.
+
+A half-famished fellow in the Southern States tells of a baker (whose
+loaves had been growing "small by degrees, and beautifully less,")
+who, when going his rounds to serve his customers, stopped at the door
+of one and knocked, when the lady within exclaimed, "Who's there?" and
+was answered, "The baker." "What do you want?" "To leave your bread."
+"Well, you needn't make such a fuss about it; put it through the
+keyhole."
+
+
+ONLY THE ELEVENTH.--3.
+
+At a christening, while a minister was making the certificate, he
+forgot the date, and happened to say: "Let me see, this is the 30th."
+"The thirtieth!" exclaimed the indignant mother; "indeed, but it's
+only the eleventh!"
+
+
+SHARP SHOOTING.--4.
+
+The following dialogue on "sharp shooting" is reported to have taken
+place between a Virginee and a Yankee picket:--"I say, can you
+fellows shoot?" "Wall, I reckon we can some. Down in Mississippi we
+can knock a bumble-bee off a thistle bow at three hundred yards."
+"Oh, that ain't nothing to the way we seewt up in Varmount. I belonged
+to a military company ther', with a hundred men in the company, and
+we went out for practice every week. The capt'n draws us up in single
+file, and sets a cider-barrel rolling down the hill, and each man
+takes his shot at the bung-hole as it turns up. It is afterwards
+examined, and if there is a shot that didn't go in the bung-hole the
+number who missed it is expelled. I belonged to the company ten years,
+and there ain't been nobody expelled yet."
+
+
+FOUR POINTS OF A CASE.--5.
+
+An Eastern editor says that a man in New York got himself into trouble
+by marrying two wives. A Western editor replies by assuring his
+contemporary that a good many men in that section had done the same
+thing by marrying one. A Northern editor retorts that quite a number
+of his acquaintances found trouble enough by barely promising to
+marry, without going any further. A Southern editor says that a friend
+of his was bothered enough when simply found in company with another
+man's wife.
+
+
+ADVANTAGE OF BURNING TWO CANDLES.--6.
+
+A celebrated American judge had a very stingy wife. On one occasion
+she received his friends in the drawing-room with a single candle. "Be
+pleased, my dear," said his lordship, "to let us have a second candle
+that we may see where the other stands."
+
+
+A 4-TUNATE YOUNG MAN.--7.
+
+There is a young man in the U. S. army, who was born July 4, at 4
+o'clock, p.m., at No. 44, in a street in Boston, is the 4th child,
+has 4 names, enlisted in the Newton company, which joined the 4th
+battalion, 44th regiment, and on the 4th of August was appointed 4th
+corporal, and is now gone to defend his country.
+
+
+ELBOW-ROOM SCARCE.--8.
+
+Elbow-room has been quite scarce in Nashville during the past week.
+Such scrouging, gouging, turning in and turning out, has seldom
+before been witnessed. Instance the following:--Traveller dismounts
+at a tavern. "Hallo, landlord, can I get lodgings here to-night?"
+Landlord: "No, sir; every room in the house is engaged." Traveller:
+"Can't you give me a blanket and a bunch of shavings for a pillow in
+your bar-room?" Landlord: "No, sir; there's not a square foot of space
+unoccupied anywhere in the house." Traveller: "Then I'll thank you,
+sir, to shove a pole out of your second-floor window, and I'll roost
+on that."
+
+
+A COUPLE OF REASONS TOO MANY.--9.
+
+The _Providence Journal_ is accountable for the following: A drafted
+man in this State called upon one of our lawyers, and desired to have
+papers prepared claiming exemption from the military service for the
+several reasons which he named. 1. That he was the only son of a widow
+depending upon him for support. 2. That his father was in such infirm
+health as to be unable to get his own living; and 3, that he had two
+brothers already in the service. All of which facts Patrick desired
+then and there to verify by affidavit. The lawyer, who had travelled
+in Illinois and learned the knack of introducing _apropos_ anecdotes,
+reminded the drafted man of a little story of the maple-sugar man in
+Vermont who was sued for returning a borrowed sap-kettle in a damaged
+condition, and pleaded in defence--first, that the kettle was sound
+when he returned it; secondly, that it was cracked when he borrowed
+it; and thirdly, that he never had the sap-kettle. Patrick grinned a
+ghastly smile, such as sometimes illumines the countenance of a man
+before the Board of Enrolment when the doctor blandly assures him that
+he has not got the liver complaint or the kidney disease, and withdrew
+his papers.
+
+
+EGG "BROF."--10.
+
+"Well, Sambo, how do you like your new place?" "Oh, very well, massa."
+"What did you have for breakfast this morning?" "Why, you see, missus
+biled three eggs for herself, and gib me de brof."
+
+
+TO MAKE SAUSAGES.--11.
+
+The editor of the _Southbridge Journal_ was set all aback the other
+day, when he asked a farmer's wife how she made sausages, and received
+for answer--"Take your in'ards, scrape 'em, scald, and stuff 'em."
+
+
+"PREACH SMALL."--12.
+
+"Mother," said a little girl, seven years old, "I could not understand
+our minister to-day, he said so many hard words; I wish he would
+preach so that little girls could understand him. Won't he, mother?"
+"Yes, I think so, if we ask him." Soon after her father saw her going
+to the minister's. "Where are you going, Emma?" said he. "I am going
+over to Mr. ----'s, to ask him to _preach small_."
+
+
+HARD LYING.--13.
+
+There lives in New Hampshire a man called Joe, a fellow noted for the
+tough lies he can tell. A correspondent informs us that Joe called in
+at Holton's lately, and found him almost choked with smoke, when he
+suggested, "You don't know as much about managing smoky chimneys as
+I do, squire, or you'd cure 'em." "Ah!" said Holton, with interest,
+"did you ever see a smoky chimney cured?" "Seen it?" said old Joe, "I
+think I have. I had the worst one in Seaboard county once, and I cured
+it a little too much." "How was that?" asked Holton. "Why, you see,"
+said Joe, "I built a little house out yonder, at Wolf Hollow, ten or
+twelve years ago. Jim Bush, the fellow that built the chimneys, kept
+blind drunk three-quarters of the time, and crazy drunk the other.
+I told him I thought he'd have something wrong; but he stuck to it
+and finished the house. Well, we moved in, and built a fire the next
+morning to boil the tea-kettle. All the smoke came through the room
+and went out of the windows; not a bit went up the flues. We tried it
+for two or three days, and it got worse and worse. By and by it came
+on to rain, and the rain began to come down the chimney. It put the
+fire out in a minute, and directly it came down by the pailful. We
+had to get the baby off the floor as soon as we could, or it would
+have been drowned. In fifteen minutes the water stood knee-deep
+on the floor. I pretty soon saw what was the matter. The drunken
+cuss had put the chimney wrong end up, and it drawed downwards. It
+gathered all the rain within a hundred yards, and poured it down by
+bucketfuls." "Well, that was unfortunate," remarked Holton, "but what
+in the world did you do with the house? Surely you never cured that
+chimney?" "Didn't I, though?" answered old Joe; "yes, I did." "How?"
+asked Holton. "Turned it the other end up," said the incorrigible,
+"and then you ought to have seen it draw. That was the way I cured it
+too much." "Drew too much?" asked Holton. "Well, squire, you may judge
+for yourself," said old Joe. "Pretty soon after we got the chimney
+down the other end up, I missed one of the chairs out of the room,
+and directly I see'd another of 'em shooting towards the fireplace.
+Next the table went, and I see the back log going up. Then I grabbed
+the old woman under one arm and the baby under t'other and started;
+but just as I got to the door I see'd the cat going across the floor
+backwards, holding on with her claws to the carpet, yelling awfully.
+It wasn't no use. I just see her going over the top of the chimney,
+and that was the last of her." "Well, what did you do then?" asked
+Holton; "of course you could not live in such a house?" "Couldn't I,
+though?" said Joe; "but I did; I put a poultice on the jamb of the
+fireplace, and that drawed t'other way, so we had no more trouble."
+This is what we call hard lying.
+
+
+BUSINESS AND AFFLICTION.--14.
+
+Curious combinations are oftentimes found in the advertising columns
+of newspapers. The following is the announcement made by a lately
+bereaved wife:--"Died, on the 11th inst., at his shop, No. 20,
+Greenwich Street, Mr. Edward Jones, much respected by all who knew
+and dealt with him. As a man he was amiable; as a hatter, upright and
+moderate. His virtues were beyond all price, and his beaver hats were
+only three dollars each. He has left a widow to deplore his loss,
+and a large stock to be sold cheap for the benefit of his family. He
+was snatched to the other world in the prime of life, just as he had
+concluded an extensive purchase of felt, which he got so cheap that
+his widow can supply hats at more reasonable rates than any house
+in the city. His disconsolate family will carry on business with
+punctuality."
+
+
+THE JUDGMENT OF SOLOMON.--15.
+
+In the Justice's Court in New Orleans the judge was in a quandary
+the other day. A coat was in dispute; the parties were Irish, and
+the evidence was direct and positive for both claimants. After much
+wrangling, Patrick Power, one of the parties, proposed that he and
+his opponent, Timothy Maguire, should see whose name was on the
+coat. Timothy searched in vain, and the coat was handed to Pat, who
+immediately took his knife, opened a corner of the coat, and out
+dropped two small peas. "There, d'ye see that, now!" "Yes; but what of
+that?" said Timothy. "A dale it has to do wid it; it is my name to be
+sure--pea for Patrick, and pea for Power, be jabers!" He got the coat,
+he did.
+
+
+YOUNG JEFF.'S APPETITE.--16.
+
+When young Jeff. first came up to town, his father told him that it
+would be polite, when being helped at dinner, to say to the host,
+"Half that, if you please." It so happened that at the first dinner to
+which he was invited a sucking-pig was one of the dishes. The host,
+pointing with his knife to the young porker, asked, "Well, Mr. Jeff.,
+will you have this, our favourite dish, or haunch of mutton?" Upon
+which, recollecting his first lesson, he replied, "Half that, if you
+please," to the consternation of all present.
+
+
+MY PEW, SIR!--17.
+
+While the Convention which nominated General Taylor was in session
+at Philadelphia, a somewhat noted local politician from Pickaway
+county, Ohio, was in the city mingling in the muss. As the Convention
+adjourned over Sunday, he concluded to go to church. "I mounted my
+best regalia," he says, "and looked fine; stopped at the door, and
+asked the sexton for a seat; was shown a very good one, entirely
+unoccupied, in the back part of which I seated myself. In a very short
+time a decent-looking man, plainly dressed, entered and took the front
+of the pew. I held my head reverently, and looked pious. He glanced
+at me several times, then took out a white handkerchief; looked at me
+again, then took out a card, drew his pencil, wrote 'This is my pew,
+sir,' and tossed the card to me. I picked it up, and immediately wrote
+on it, 'It is a very good one; what rent do you pay?' and tossed it
+back."
+
+
+MAKING A MAN'S COFFIN BEFORE HIS DEATH.--18.
+
+An amusing thing occurred in the 24th Ohio. A few days since, a
+soldier, passing to the lower part of the encampment, saw two others
+from his company making a rude coffin. He inquired who it was for.
+"John Bunce," said the others. "Why," replied he, "John is not dead
+yet. It is too bad to make a man's coffin when you don't know if
+he's going to die or not." "Don't you trouble yourself," replied the
+others; "Dr. Coe told us to make his coffin, _and I guess he knows
+what he give him_."
+
+
+DRAWING THE LONG BOW.--19.
+
+A fellow was kicked out of an editorial room the other day for
+impudently stating "that he had seen in Germany a fiddle so large that
+it required two horses to draw the bow across the strings, which would
+continue to sound six weeks!"
+
+
+A QUEER CUP OF COFFEE.--20.
+
+I soon had an opportunity to judge for myself, having accepted an
+officer's invitation to take coffee in his tent. Captain H. was
+very proud of his table. His cook was said to be the best in the
+camp, his only fault being a disposition to a careless mixture of
+ingredients. "There, sir," said the captain, handing me a brimming
+cup, "I'll warrant you'll find that equal to anything you ever drank
+in Paris." I tasted. The captain saw something was wrong. He tasted.
+His countenance assumed a stern and mortified expression. John was
+called and ordered to investigate the cause of the villanous taste
+of the coffee. The next moment he reappeared, holding the coffee-pot
+in his hand. "Och, be jabers, captain," said he, "it's meself that's
+mortified to death. I cooked the bowl of me ould pipe in your
+coffee this morning, and that's the innocent cause of the bad taste
+intirely!"
+
+
+THE TREASURE TROVE. BY B. O. B.--21.
+
+     As Jonathan Dodge reel'd home one night,
+       Tight as a brick in a prison wall,
+     Beneath a gas-lamp's brilliant light
+       His eye on a something bright did fall.
+
+     He steadied himself to know the cause,
+       And eyed it long with inquiring gaze,
+     Wondering much what the deuce it was
+       That glitter'd and sparkled with such a blaze.
+
+     Then stooping down, with a forward dip
+       Which came near sending him heels o'erhead,
+     At the glittering wonder he made a grip--
+       But clutch'd a handful of mud instead.
+
+     Again he tries; but another lurch,
+       To strive against which was all in vain,
+     Sent him sprawling out in the mud and slush,
+       And the prize eluded his grasp again.
+
+     "The third time's lucky; I'll make it sure,"
+       Said Jonathan, rising, and turning round.
+     "'Tis a diamond as large as the Koh-i-noor,
+       And far (_hic_) more costly, I'll be bound."
+
+     Again he tries; hurrah! success
+       Has crown'd his untiring efforts at last!
+     Thus Victory always will Industry bless,
+       And the prize is more precious for dangers pass'd.
+
+     But the flowers of Hope which we fondest nurse
+       First wither, and bleaker leave the soul;
+     He dashes it down with a bitter curse--
+       'Twas only a piece of a broken bowl!
+
+
+REMARKABLE TENACITY OF LIFE.--22.
+
+A few evenings since, in the "private crib" of one of our exchanges,
+there was a learned dissertation, subject, "Bed-bugs, and their
+Remarkable Tenacity of Life." One asserted of his own knowledge that
+they could be boiled, and then come to life. Some had soaked them for
+hours in turpentine without any fatal consequences. Old Hanks, who
+had been listening as an outsider, here gave in his experience in
+corroboration of the facts. Says he, "Some years ago I took a bed-bug
+to an iron-foundry, and dropping it into a ladle where the melted iron
+was, had it run into a skillet. Well, my old woman used that skillet
+pretty constant for the last six years, and here the other day it
+broke all to smash; and what do you think, gentlemen, that 'ere insect
+just walked out of his hole, where he'd been layin' like a frog in a
+rock, and made tracks for his old roost upstairs! But," added he, by
+way of parenthesis, "he looked mighty pale."
+
+
+SAM'S SOUL.--23.
+
+"Sam," said an interesting young mother to her youngest hopeful, "do
+you know what the difference is between the body and soul? The soul,
+my child, is what you love with; the body carries you about. This is
+your body," touching the little fellow's shoulders and arms, "but
+there is something deeper in--you can feel it now; what is that?" "Oh,
+I know," said Sam, with a flash of intelligence in his eyes, "that's
+my flannel shirt!"
+
+
+AMERICAN ESTIMATE OF THEIR CLERGY.--24.
+
+The _Louisville Journal_ assures an inquiring spinster that gospel
+ministers are not more addicted to dissipation than men of other
+professions. A few of the Kalloch type take gin-toddies and liberties
+with females, but the majority of them are as good as lawyers. If you
+want a true Christian, marry an editor.
+
+
+"WHERE WARREN FELL."--25.
+
+A Yankee gentleman, escorting a British friend around to view the
+different objects of attraction in the vicinity of Boston, brought him
+to Bunker's Hill. They stood looking at the splendid shaft, when the
+Yankee said, "This is the place where Warren fell." "Ah!" replied the
+Englishman evidently not posted up in local historical matters, "did
+it hurt him much?" The native looked at him, with the expression of
+fourteen Fourths of Julys in his countenance--"Hurt him!" said he, "he
+was killed, sir." "Ah! he was, eh?" said the stranger, still eyeing
+the monument, and computing its height in his own mind, layer by
+layer; "well, I should think he would have been, to fall so far."
+
+
+OUT-YANKEED.--26.
+
+After the battle of Fredericksburg a little Yankee officer was talking
+with one of our Alabama majors, who stood in that part of the field
+where we had suffered most severely--dead men and horses, broken
+cannon, and blown-up caissons being all around him. "You hurt us
+powerful bad yesterday," said the Yankee. "Yes," replied the major,
+drily. "Guess we hurt you some, too," rejoined the Yankee, looking at
+the wrecks of humanity strewn about. "Didn't kill a man or a horse,"
+said the major. The little Yankee looked up at the tall Confederate
+for a moment, then at the dead men and horses on every side, and then
+wheeled suddenly round and walked rapidly away, utterly astounded at
+the cool manner in which the Alabamian had out-Yankeed the Yankees in
+deliberate lying.
+
+
+THE PRESIDENT'S VOICE.--27.
+
+We got one darkie on the way out. He had never seen a cannon, and of
+course did not know what it was. He stood beside one when they fired
+it off, and I assure you Parry the clown never dropped as quick as he
+did. His eyes rolled wildly, and he alarmingly called out: "Oh Lord!
+hab mercy on dis poor chile. He am for de Union ebery time, sah." The
+artillerymen might have been tied with straws. When they had got over
+their laugh, they told him it was one of old Abe's guns. The nigger
+said, "He hab a bery loud voice."
+
+
+HOW A "COPPERHEAD" WAS SHAVED.--28.
+
+One day, lately, a well-known gentleman in Philadelphia stepped
+into a barber's shop, sat in a shaving-chair, drew a newspaper from
+his pocket, and instructed the knight of the razor to take off his
+beard. The barber was an African. He simply replied, "Yes, boss," and
+produced his implements. The customer sat down. He was duly shaved.
+His face was wiped; he arose, and donned his coat and hat. "How much?"
+he asked, in a dolorous voice, as he adjusted his shirt-collar.
+"Fifteen cents, boss." "Why, I thought you shaved for ten cents at
+this shop." "Dat ar's de average, sah," was the reply. "Ten cents is
+de price of a shave in dis yer shop. You come in here, sah, and read
+the news of Sheridan's victory, and your face got about six inches
+longer dan when yer come in. If your face was like it was afore you
+read dat yar news ten cents was the price. When you commenced to read
+about de defeat of Early, den your face stretched down about four
+inches. Dat's what makes it wurf fifteen cents for der shave." The
+customer couldn't restrain a grin, though he was a Copperhead, and the
+hit at him was made by a "nigger." He paid the fee, and walked out. He
+was one of those gentlemen who go their length upon M'Clellan, and who
+of course shudder at every victory to the Union arms.
+
+
+WHAT HE DID THE FIRST YEAR.--29.
+
+In one of the courts at Hartford, Connecticut, recently, a woman
+was testifying on behalf of her son, and swore that he had worked
+on a farm ever since he was born. The lawyer who cross-examined her
+said, "You assert that your son has worked on a farm ever since he
+was born?" "I do." "What did he do the first year?" "He milked,"
+she replied. The whole court laughed heartily, and the witness was
+questioned no further.
+
+
+THE LEARNED MEMBERS OF THE AMERICAN LEGISLATURE.--30.
+
+A good story is told of the landlord of a hotel at Holly Springs,
+Miss. It was a large fashionable hotel, and the landlord was a pompous
+man, with a large corporosity and a ruffled shirt-bosom. Printed bills
+of fare were provided, yet the landlord stood at the head of the table
+at dinner and, in a loud voice, read off the list of articles in a
+rhyming way--"Here's boiled ham, and raspberry jam; baked potatoes and
+cooked tomatoes; turnips smashed and squashes _squashed_;" and so on.
+Mr. M. asked him afterward why he read it aloud when printed copies
+were on the table. "Force of habit," replied the landlord; "got so
+used to it I can't help it. You see, I commenced business down here in
+Jackson (the capital of Mississippi), and most of all the Legislature
+boarded with me. There wasn't a man of 'em could read, so I had to
+read the bill of fare to 'em."
+
+
+A CANDID PARSON.--31.
+
+A Yankee divine, of an advanced age, married for his second wife a
+damsel young and handsome. When the elders of the church went to
+inquire if the lady was a suitable person to make a useful figure as
+a parson's wife, he answered frankly that he didn't think she was.
+"But," added the irrepressible doctor, "although I don't pretend she
+is a saint, she is a very pretty little sinner, and I love her." The
+twain became one flesh.
+
+
+A STUMP ORATOR.--32.
+
+An Ohio stumper, while making a speech, paused in the midst of it and
+exclaimed, "Now, gentlemen, what do you think?" Instantly a man rose
+in the assembly, and, with one eye partially closed, modestly replied,
+"I think, sir--I do indeed, sir--I think if you and I were to stump
+the country together we would tell more lies than any other two men in
+the country, sir; and I'd not say a word during the whole time, sir."
+
+
+THE COLONEL ANSWERED.--33.
+
+A certain colonel, a staff officer of one of the northern generals,
+noted for his talent for repartee and the favourable opinion which he
+entertained of his own good looks, stopped at the house of a farmer,
+and discovered there a fine milch cow, and, still better, a pretty
+girl, attired in a neat calico dress cut low in the neck and short in
+the sleeves. After several unsuccessful attempts to engage the young
+lady in conversation, he proposed to her to have the cow milked for
+his own special benefit. This she indignantly refused. The colonel
+not wishing to compromise his reputation for gallantry, remarked that
+if all the young ladies in Virginia were as beautiful as the one
+he had the pleasure of addressing, he had no desire to conquer the
+Confederacy. With a toss of her pretty head, and a slight elevation of
+her nose, she answered thus: "Well, sir, if all the gentlemen in your
+army are as ugly as you are we ladies have no desire to conquer them."
+How are you, colonel?
+
+
+PITHY LETTER.--34.
+
+General Rosecrans a few days ago received the following pertinent
+letter from an indignant private:--"General,--I have been in the
+service eighteen months, and have never received a cent. I desire
+a furlough for fifteen days, in order to return home and remove my
+family to the poor-house." The general granted the furlough.
+
+
+THE GRAHAM SYSTEM.--35.
+
+A little prattler, who had been brought up on the Graham system, asked
+what she should have to eat when she went to Heaven. "The bread of
+life, my dear," was the reply. "Will there be any butter on it, ma?"
+was the quick retort.
+
+
+WARD BEECHER'S PREACHING.--36.
+
+Henry Ward Beecher asked Park Benjamin, the poet and humorist, why
+he never came over to Brooklyn to hear him preach. Benjamin replied,
+"Why, Beecher, the fact is, I have conscientious scruples against
+going to places of public amusement on Sunday."
+
+
+KISSING IN WISCONSIN.--37.
+
+A Milwaukee paper says that when a Wisconsin girl is kissed, she
+looks surprised, and says, "How could you do it?" To which the swain
+replies, "It will give me much pleasure to show you," and proceeds to
+give her a duplicate.
+
+
+TOO SLOW FOR PARADISE.--38.
+
+Pickering is a very nervous little man, who fusses and fidgets about
+in a remarkably quick manner, and who holds in detestation anything
+that can possibly come under the head of a slow coach, and indulges in
+rather queer expressions when anything moves too slow for his views.
+He is blessed with a "maid-of-all-work," who has caused him to utter
+more profane words during the past three months than three years in
+purgatory can atone for. One evening last week he despatched the girl
+upon an errand to the neighbouring store, and according to his ideas
+she remained an unaccountably long time. He pulled out his watch and
+looked half-a-dozen times within ten minutes, whistled, drummed upon
+the table with his fingers, beat time with his feet upon the floor,
+and finally started up again and began pacing the room, as if his
+nervous agitation could in any degree accelerate the movements of the
+absent abigail. But the girl came at length, and her impatient master
+broke forth with--"For goodness' sake, Maggie, where have you been?"
+"In the store, sir," was Maggie's reply. "Well," said her master, "it
+is about one hundred yards to the store, and you have been fifteen
+minutes in going and returning." "Yes, sir," broke in the girl. "Now,
+Maggie," continued he, "take my advice, and when you die, remain
+quietly in your grave, and never make an attempt to get to Heaven."
+"And why not, sir?" queried the bewildered girl. "Because," said
+Pickering, "the sun is ninety-six millions of miles from the earth,
+and Heaven is beyond that; and if you ever make an attempt to get
+there, at the rate you move, eternity will come to an end before you
+reach your destination."
+
+
+THAT'S A GOOD 'UN!--39.
+
+Some one was telling Sam about the longevity of the mud turtle. "Yes,"
+said Sam, "I know all about that, for once I found a venerable old
+fellow in a meadow, who was so old that he could scarcely wiggle his
+tail, and on his back was carved (tolerably plain, considering all
+things) these words: 'Paradise, Year 1, Adam.'"
+
+
+INTERESTING TO THE PARTIES CONCERNED.--40.
+
+In connexion with the late riot in that city the _Boston Journal_
+publishes the following:--The individual who dropped half of his thumb
+at the corner of Cooper and North Mangin Streets on Tuesday night,
+may have some interest in knowing that it has been picked up and
+carefully preserved by a worthy citizen of Ward 5; and the individual
+in his shirt sleeves who limped off with a bullet in his hip from a
+spot near the same neighbourhood, on the same night, may receive the
+brick he gave in exchange for it by returning the bullet to the 3rd
+police-station.
+
+
+A KNOWING JURYMAN.--41.
+
+A New Jersey paper tells a story of a well-known character who
+frequently figured on juries in New York. While on a jury, as soon
+as they had retired to their room to deliberate, he would button up
+his coat and "turn in" on a bench, exclaiming: "Gentlemen, I'm for
+bringing in a verdict for plaintiff (or defendant, as he had settled
+his mind), and all creation can't move me. Therefore, as soon as you
+have all agreed with me, wake me up, and we'll go in."
+
+
+PAY YOUR POSTAGE.--42.
+
+An American paper commends the following terrible lines to some of its
+correspondents who have forgotten to prepay their letters, and saddled
+the editor with sundry twopences to save their penny. The wild beauty
+of the lines bespeaks the editor to have been in a mesmeric _coma_:--
+
+     "The man who now-a-days will write,
+       And not prepay his letter,
+     Is worser than the heathen are,
+       What don't know any better.
+
+     "And if you take a fine tooth-comb,
+       And rake down all creation,
+     You couldn't find a meaner man
+       In this 'ere mighty nation."
+
+
+SOUND ADVICE.--43.
+
+The private secretary of a cabinet minister is a wag. The other day
+a young man, decidedly inebriated, walked into the executive chamber
+and asked for the governor. "What do you want with him?" inquired the
+secretary. "Oh, I want an office with a good salary--a sinecure."
+"Well," replied the secretary, "I can tell you something better for
+you than a sinecure--you had better try a water cure." A new idea
+seemed to strike the young inebriate, and he vanished.
+
+
+SIMPLICITY.--44.
+
+An exchange tells the following simple story of a little child
+kneeling by his bed to pray, as he retired for the night. He said:
+"Dear Heavenly Father, please don't let the large cow hook me, nor
+the horse kick me; and don't let me run away outside of the gate when
+mother tells me not to."
+
+
+CORKING UP DAYLIGHT.--45.
+
+It is reported that a Yankee down East has invented a machine for
+corking up daylight, which will eventually supersede gas. He covers
+the interior of a flour barrel with shoemaker's wax, holds it open to
+the sun, then suddenly heads up the barrel. The light sticks to the
+wax, and at night can be cut into lots to suit purchasers.
+
+
+A BABY STORY.--46.
+
+A very curious baby story comes to us from New Jersey. A mother and a
+daughter were confined on the same day, each having a little son. In
+the bustle of the moment, both babies were placed in the same cradle,
+and, to the confusion of the mothers, when the youngsters were taken
+from the cradle, they were unable to tell which was the mother's and
+which was the daughter's son--a matter which, of course, must ever
+remain a mystery. The family is in the greatest distress over the
+affair.
+
+
+MARRIAGE NOTICES.--47.
+
+A Western paper gives the following notice:--All notices of marriage,
+where no bride-cake is sent, will be set up in small type, and poked
+into some outlandish corner of the papers. Where a handsome piece of
+cake is sent, it will be put conspicuously in large letters; when
+gloves, or other bride favours are added, a piece of illustrative
+poetry will be given in addition. When, however, the editor attends
+the ceremony in _propriâ personâ_, and kisses the bride, it will have
+especial notice--very large type, and the most appropriate poetry that
+can be begged, borrowed, stolen, or coined from the brain editorial.
+
+
+A HOMELY FLAG OF TRUCE.--48.
+
+A rebel at Gettysburg, wishing to surrender, and having nothing
+else for a flag of truce, dived his hands into his pantaloons, and
+elevated his shirt above his head, amid roars of laughter from the
+Federals, who immediately accepted his unconditional surrender. Rather
+a good thing for that rebel that he was the possessor of such a luxury
+as a reasonably clean shirt.
+
+
+HE HAD HIM THAT TIME.--49.
+
+A candidate for office, wishing to describe his opponent as a
+"soulless man," said: "Some persons hold the opinion that just at
+the precise moment after one human being dies, another is born,
+and the soul enters and animates the new-born babe. Now, I have
+made particular inquiries concerning my opponent, and I find that
+for some hours before he drew breath nothing but a donkey died.
+Fellow-citizens, I will now leave you to draw the inference."
+
+
+"DE DISSOLUTION OF COPARSNIPS."--50.
+
+A coloured firm in Newark, New Jersey, having suffered some pecuniary
+embarrassments, recently closed business, and the senior member gave
+to the public the following "notis:"--"De dissolution of coparsnips
+heretofo resisting twixt me and Mose Jones in the barber perfession,
+am heretofo resolved. Pussons who ose must pay to de scriber. Dem what
+de firm ose must call on Jones, as de firm is insolved."
+
+
+UNACCEPTABLE GRATITUDE.--51.
+
+Lieutenant J----n, late of the 16th regiment, was, a few days ago,
+walking down Main Street, Utica, when he was accosted by a fellow,
+half soldier, half beggar, with a most reverential military salute.
+"God bless your honour," said the man, whose accent betrayed him to
+be Irish, "and long life to you." "How do you know me?" said the
+lieutenant. "Is it how do I know your honour?" responded Pat. "Good
+right, sure, I have to know the man who saved my life in battle." The
+lieutenant, highly gratified at this tribute to his valour, slid a
+fifty cent bill into his hand, and asked him when. "God bless your
+honour, and long life to you," said the grateful veteran. "Sure it was
+at Antietam, when, seeing your honour run away as fast as your legs
+could carry you from the rebels I followed your lead, and ran after
+you out of the way whereby, under God, I saved my life. Oh! good luck
+to your honour; I never will forget it to you."
+
+
+FEELING HER WAY.--52.
+
+General Schenck, discussing the Democratic platform, in a speech
+at Hamilton, Ohio, brought down the House by the following
+illustration:--"I know nothing at all that is like it, unless it may
+be the character of the fruit that is sold by an old lady who sits at
+the door of the court-house in Cincinnati. She is a shrewd old woman.
+A young sprig of a lawyer stepped up one day and said to her, 'You
+seem to have some fine apples; are they sweet or sour?' The old lady
+tried to take the measure of her customer, and find out whether his
+taste was for sweet or sour apples. 'Why, sir,' said she, 'they are
+rather acid; a sort of low tart, inclined to be very sweet.'"
+
+
+FORENSIC ELOQUENCE.--53.
+
+The following is as an extract from the recent address of a barrister
+"out West" to a jury:--"The law expressly declares, gentlemen, in the
+beautiful language of Shakspeare, that where no doubt exists of the
+prisoner, it is your duty to fetch him in innocent. If you keep this
+fact in view, in the case of my client, gentlemen, you will have the
+honour of making a friend of him and all his relations, and you can
+allers look upon this occasion and reflect with pleasure that you have
+done as you would be done by. But if, on the other hand, you disregard
+the principle of law, and set at naught my eloquent remarks and fetch
+him in guilty, the silent twitches of conscience will follow you all
+over every fair cornfield, I reckon, and my injured and down-trodden
+client will be apt to light on you one of these dark nights, _as my
+cat lights on a sasserful of new milk_."
+
+
+STORY WITH A MORAL.--54.
+
+A young Yankee had formed an attachment for the daughter of a rich
+old farmer, and after agreeing with the "bonnie lassie" went to the
+old farmer to ask his consent; and during the ceremony, which was an
+awkward one with Jonathan, he whittled away at a stick. The old man
+watched the movements of the knife, at the same time continuing to
+talk on the prospects of his future son-in-law, as he supposed, until
+the stick was dwindled down to naught. He then spoke as follows:--"You
+have fine property, you have steady habits; good enough looking; but
+you can't have my daughter. Had you made something, no matter what,
+of the stick you whittled away, you could have had her; as it is you
+cannot. Your property will go as the stick did, little by little,
+until all is gone, and your family reduced to want. I have read your
+character; you have my answer."
+
+
+ODD EXCUSE FOR NOT BEING HUNG.--55.
+
+Two bushwhackers were captured, both of whom were very properly dealt
+with summarily by being hanged. One of them had received a shot in
+the shoulder, inflicting a painful wound, disabling him from making
+his escape. While the officer was arranging the hempen necklace about
+the wounded tory's neck, it produced considerable pain in the wounded
+shoulder, which induced him to exclaim--"Oh! do please don't! I don't
+believe I can bear to be hung--my shoulder is so sore!"
+
+
+AN AGREEABLE CUSTOMER.--56.
+
+"Stranger, I want to leave my dog in this 'ere office till the boat
+starts; I'm afraid somebody will steal him." "You can't do it," said
+the clerk; "take him out." "Well, stranger, that is cruel; but you're
+both dispositioned alike, and he's kinder company for you." "Take him
+out!" roared the clerk. "Well, stranger, I don't think you're honest,
+and you want watching. Here, Dragon," he said to the dog, "sit down
+here, and watch that fellow sharp!" and turning on his heel said: "Put
+him out, stranger, if he's troublesome." The dog lay there till the
+boat started, watching and howling at every movement of the clerk, who
+gave him the better half of the office.
+
+
+FAILED FOR A GOOD REASON.--57.
+
+Many a glorious speculation has failed for the same good reason that
+the old Taxan ranger gave when he was asked why he didn't buy land
+when it was dog cheap. "Wall, I did come nigh onto taking eight
+thousand acres once't," said old Joe, mournfully. "You see, two of
+the boys came in one day from an Indian hunt without any shoes, and
+offered me their titles to two leagues just below for a pair of
+boots." "For a pair of boots!" we exclaimed. "But why on earth did you
+not take it? They'd be worth a hundred thousand dollars to-day. Why
+did'nt you give them the boots?" "Just because I did'nt have the boots
+to give," said old Joe, as he took another chew of tobacco, quite as
+contented as if he owned two hundred leagues of land.
+
+
+WRITING TO THE OLD WOMAN.--58.
+
+"Massa," said the black steward to his captain, as they fell in with
+a homeward-bound vessel, "I wish you would write a few lines for me
+to the old woman, 'cause I can't write." The good-natured skipper
+complied, and wrote all that Pompey dictated. As the captain was about
+to seal up the letter, Pompey reminded him that he had omitted to say,
+"Please 'scuse de bad writin' and spellin'."
+
+
+"I'M THE BAGGAGE."--59.
+
+As the mid-day Worcester train was about leaving the _dépôt_, a man of
+the Johnsonian type of manners entered one of the cars, and gruffly
+requested that two young ladies occupying separate seats should sit
+together, that he and his friend might enjoy a _tête-à-tête_ on the
+other seat. "But," said one of the damsels, blushing, "this seat
+is engaged." "Engaged, is it?" brusquely responded the man; "who
+engaged it!" "A young man," said the conscious maiden. "A young man,
+eh! where's his baggage?" persisted Ursa Major. "I'm his baggage,
+Old Hateful," replied the demure damsel, putting her rosy lips into
+the prettiest pout. "Old Hateful" subsided; the young man came
+in, extended his arm protectingly, almost caressingly, around his
+"baggage," and Mr. Conductor Capron started the train.
+
+
+CROSS PURPOSES.--60.
+
+A colporteur recently entered a log-house of a dweller in Ohio, and
+asked the mistress of the household if they had the gospel there.
+She said: "No; but they have it dreadful bad about four miles below."
+This may have been the same colporteur who entered another log-house,
+and inquired if there were any Presbyterians in that vicinity. He was
+answered: "I guess not; my old man has not killed any since we have
+lived here." In one instance the colporteur was taken for a doctor; in
+the other for a hunter.
+
+
+THE CHICKENS IN TENNESSEE.--61.
+
+One day a wealthy old lady, whose plantation was in the vicinity of
+the camp, came in and inquired for General Payne. When the commander
+made his appearance, the old lady, in warm language, at once
+acquainted him with the fact that his men had stolen her last coop
+full of chickens, and demanded their restitution or their value in
+currency. "I am sorry for you, madam," replied the general, "but I
+can't help it. The fact is, madam, we are determined to squelch out
+the rebellion, if it takes every chicken in Tennessee."
+
+
+A SONNET INSTEAD OF A BONNET.--62.
+
+An officer in Banks's department recently received a letter from his
+little daughter at home, asking him to send her money with which to
+buy a new bonnet, to which he replied as follows:--
+
+     "I would send you a kiss, dear daughter,
+       As pure from a fond father's lips,
+     And as chaste as the drop of water
+       That fresh from an icicle drips;
+     But kisses thus sent in a letter
+       Would lose all their sweetness for thee,
+     And I know it would please thee far better
+       To receive a few greenbacks from me.
+     But as I am 'hard up,' and you not in need,
+     You will have to put up with the will for the deed;
+     I therefore send you this nice little sonnet,
+     Instead of the greenbacks to buy you a bonnet."
+
+
+THE OLD HEN AND CHICKENS.--63.
+
+Aunt E. was trying to persuade little Eddy to retire at sundown. "You
+see, my dear, how the little chickens go to roost at that time." "Yes,
+aunty," replied Eddy, "but the old hen always goes with them." Aunty
+tried no more arguments with him.
+
+
+STRANGE PECULIARITIES.--64.
+
+A Western editor sums up the peculiarities of a contemporary as
+follows:--He is too lazy to earn a meal, and too mean to enjoy one. He
+was never generous but once, and that was when he gave the itch to an
+apprentice boy--so much for his goodness of heart! Of his industry, he
+says, the public may judge when he states that the only time he ever
+worked was when he mistook castor oil for honey.
+
+
+GRIM WELCOME.--65.
+
+On the evening before the last unsuccessful attempt to storm the
+defences of Port Hudson, some of our skirmishers were endeavouring,
+under cover of darkness, to draw closer to the rebel works. A rebel
+sentinel discovered them, and hallooed out: "How are you, Yank?" One
+of our men replied: "Yes, we're bound to come." "All right," returned
+the rebel, "we have got room enough to bury you."
+
+
+BACHELORISM A LUXURY.--66.
+
+"You bachelors ought to be taxed," said Mrs. Dackford to a resolute
+evader of the matrimonial noose. "I agree with you perfectly, madam,"
+was the reply, "for bachelorism is a luxury."
+
+
+A COOL CUSTOMER.--67.
+
+The _Winsted_ (Ct.) _Herald_ thinks the fellow who wrote the
+following note, not considering it any disappointment to postpone
+his wedding, is a philosopher. The note was addressed to a Winsted
+clothing dealer:--"Dear Sir,--I do not care for the velvet collar,
+so you may do as you please about putting it on. It was no serious
+disappointment, only I should have been married if I had received the
+goods."
+
+
+SCRIPTURE NAMES.--68.
+
+Some young ladies who had been attending an evening party, desired
+to return home, but had no male attendant. The master of the house
+requested his son to accompany them, and made use of a scripture name.
+What was it? Jeroboam--Jerry beau 'em.
+
+Jerry proving reluctant, the gentleman desired another son to act as
+escort. What scripture name did he utter? Lemuel--Lem you will.
+
+Still there was a difficulty, and a like request was made in a similar
+manner to another son. What was it? Samuel--Sam you will.
+
+Sam having consented, the parties took their seats in a sleigh, for
+the purpose of going home. It was found there was plenty of room for
+one more. What scripture name did the old gentleman use to induce
+another son to accompany the guests? Benjamin--Ben jam in.
+
+The driver was requested to start in another scripture name. What was
+it? Joshua--Josh away.
+
+When the sleigh was fairly off, it was discovered that one of the
+young ladies had been left behind. There was no possibility of
+recalling her companions, so the old gentleman asked still another of
+his sons to console the young lady for her disappointment. What was
+the last scripture name thus used? Ebenezer--Eben ease her.
+
+
+AN INQUIRING MIND.--69.
+
+Some people have very inquiring minds; but few, we think, carry their
+curiosity so far as a Yankee friend of ours, who rang the bell of a
+fashionable residence the other day, and when the servant girl made
+her appearance, politely inquired, "What are you going to have for
+dinner to-day?" The girl, thinking the man was one of their tradesmen,
+and had made the inquiry in his business capacity, innocently replied,
+"Mutton, sir." "Mutton--with sauce?" "Yes, sir." "Ah, well! I was
+passing by, and thought I would inquire. Good morning." The servant
+was indignant when she came to comprehend the man's motive, but he was
+too far up the street to hear her angry denunciations.
+
+
+THE WAY OF THE WORLD.--70.
+
+Mr. Dickson, a coloured barber in a large New England town, was
+shaving one of his customers, a respectable citizen, one morning,
+when a conversation occurred between them respecting Mr. Dickson's
+former connexion with a coloured church in that place. "I believe
+you are connected with the church in Elm Street, are you not, Mr.
+Dickson?" said the customer. "No, sah, not at all." "Why did you leave
+your connexion, Mr. Dickson, if I maybe permitted to ask?" "Well, I'll
+tell you, sah," said Mr. Dickson; "it was just like dis: I jined the
+church in good fait; I gave ten dollars towards de stated gospel de
+fus' year, and de church people call me _Brudder_ Dickson; the second
+year my business was not so good, and I gib only five dollars. Dat
+year people call me _Mr._ Dickson. Dis razor hurt you, sah?" "No, the
+razor goes tolerably well." "Well, sah, the third I fell berry poor;
+had sickness in my family, and didn't gib nothin' for preachin'. Well,
+sah, arter dat dey call me 'dat ole nigger Dickson,' and I left 'em."
+
+
+KNOCKING AT THE CHURCH DOOR.--71.
+
+An Indianapolis editor attending church on a recent Sabbath for the
+first time in many years, stopped at the entrance, and after looking
+in vain for the bell-pull, deliberately knocked at the door, and
+politely waited until somebody opened it and let him in.
+
+
+SCENE IN AN AMERICAN COURT.--72.
+
+There was a hush in the police court-room as the red-nosed judge took
+his seat upon the bench, and in a pompous tone of authority shouted,
+"Bring the prisoner into court!" "Here I am, bound to blaze, as the
+spirit of turpentine said when he was all a-fire," said the prisoner.
+"We'll take a little fire out of you. How do you live?" asked the
+judge. "I ain't particular, as the oyster said when they asked him
+if he'd be roasted or fried." "We don't want to know what the oyster
+said, or the spirits of turpentine either. What do you follow?"
+"Anything that comes in my way, as the locomotive said when she ran
+over a little nigger." "Don't care anything about the locomotive. What
+is your business?" "That's various, as the cat said when she stole
+the chicken off the table." "If I hear any more absurd comparisons,
+I will give you twelve months." "I'm done, as the beefsteak said to
+the cook." "Now, sir, your punishment shall depend on the shortness
+and correctness of your answers. I suppose you live by going round
+the docks." "No, sir; I can't go around the docks without a coat,
+and I ain't got none." "Answer me, sir! How do you get your bread?"
+"Sometimes at the baker's, and sometimes I eat taters." "No more of
+your stupid nonsense. How do you support yourself?" "Sometimes on my
+legs, and sometimes on a chair." "How do you keep yourself alive?" "By
+breathing, sir." "I order you to answer this question correctly. How
+do you do?" "Pretty well, I thank you, judge. How do you do?" "I shall
+have to commit you." "Well, you've committed yourself first, that's
+some consolation." The prisoner went out of court with a jerk, and was
+hastened to gaol.
+
+
+SOAP COMING HANDY.--73.
+
+During one of the recent battles, while a regiment of our troops
+was rapidly marching over a dusty road, in changing their position
+on the field, a soldier noticed a cake of soap at a little distance
+from the rank, and sprang forward to get it, saying, "I shall need
+it after this fight." The shells of the enemy were falling thickly;
+and just as the soldier seized the soap, one dropped close behind him
+and exploded, tearing open an immense hole in the earth, and nearly
+burying the poor fellow. Every one supposed he was blown to pieces,
+but almost immediately he struggled out, begrimed with dirt from head
+to foot, yet holding on to the soap, and exclaiming, "There, I told
+you I should need it!" Fortunately, he passed through the battle
+unhurt, and found his well-earned soap a great convenience.
+
+
+A CONDENSED NOVEL.--74.
+
+Josh, here am a seafaring novel, dat missis gib me, case she know'd I
+was too lazy to read de whole book; and, by golly, it am just de ting
+for dese people dat lub to skip ober such stuff! Just read it: Gulf
+of Mexico; small ship; young man; very interesting; very romantic;
+black glossy curls; aquiline features; florid complexion; commanding
+figure; black clouds; "Pipe all hands to quarters;" storm coming
+on; very dangerous; "All hands to the pumps;" "There goes the gib!"
+masts cut away; storm clearing; all hands pumping; monster ship in
+the distance; very suspicious; black flag; skull and cross-bones;
+pirate; sailors fearful; young man determined; bound to die or perish
+in the attempt; armed to the teeth; addresses the sailors; great
+enthusiasm; flag of the free; die for our country; pirate approaches;
+hundred guns; pirate captain; big whiskers; crew all fiends; calls
+for a surrender; young man scorns; broadside; female shrieks on board
+the pirate ship; beauty in distress; young man vows vengeance; young
+man's ship sinking; flag shot off; nails it to the mast; crew leave
+in boats; board the pirate; terrific combat; seven pirates attack
+boatswain; kills two with a chaw of tobacco; throws others overboard;
+sharks around vessel; young man kills pirate captain; pirates give in;
+shouts tremendous; victory; young man rushes into cabin; finds young
+lady nearly dead; brings her to; falls in love; papers discovered;
+young man son of a nobleman; young lady rich heiress; tells her story;
+was stolen way by gipsies; sold to pirate captain; Heaven sent young
+man; preserved; falls on her knees; young man embraces her; sailors
+get drunk; marriage at sea; "life on the ocean wave;" ship in port;
+young man promoted; land of liberty. "Yankee Doodle!" FINIS.
+
+
+SECURING HIS TRUNK.--75.
+
+A traveller stopped at a hotel in Wheeling several days. His trunk
+looked cheap, but was very heavy, when carried up-stairs. Traveller
+disappeared; trunk was heavier than before; it could not be lifted.
+Landlord broke it open; found it empty, and nailed to the floor, with
+two spikes driven through the bottom.
+
+
+A DRY JOKE IN A DRY GOODS' STORE.--76.
+
+An amusing incident recently took place in one of our dry goods'
+stores down town. A good-looking, honest-faced country girl, came to
+town with her lover, to do a trifle of shopping. The magnitude of the
+store, the piles on piles of goods, the dazzling array of articles,
+the rows of busy clerks, the flitting cash boys, quite overpowered
+our good friend, who scarcely knew what to do. Her swain obstinately
+refused to go in, but loitered about the door. The clerks being all
+busy just at the moment, the young lady was obliged to remain standing
+a few moments. At length, a dapper fellow, with gold watch and chain
+and flourishing moustache, came bowing and smiling up to the blushing
+customer, with--"Anybody waiting on you, madam?" The colour deepened
+in her cheeks, as she hesitated and drew a long breath; till, finally,
+with a nod of her head towards the door, she faltered out, "Yes, sir;
+he is."
+
+
+YANKEE NOTION OF MACBETH.--77.
+
+After having witnessed the performance, from what I could make out of
+the play I don't think Macbeth was a good moral character; and his
+lady appeared to me to possess a tarnation dictatorial temper, and to
+have exceedingly loose notions of hospitality, which, together with an
+unpleasant habit of talking to herself and walking about _en chemise_,
+must make her a decidedly unpleasant companion.
+
+
+THE PUGNACIOUS RAM.--78.
+
+John B. Gough, in one of his eloquent temperance lectures, was
+encouraging those who signed the pledge to stick to it. "Stick to
+it," said he, "as the old ram did to his butting." The story is that
+a farmer had a ram which would run his head against the cows, horses,
+pigs, and, indeed, against everything in motion. The farmer himself
+was more than once butted over, and he finally determined to break up
+this propensity: so he tied a heavy block of wood upon a rope, and
+hung it on the limb of a tree. The block was set in motion, and the
+ram, seeing it move towards him, hit it a blow. This sent it off;
+but it swung back, and the ram hit it again, and so kept on doing.
+The farmer watched him until it was dark, and then left him (true to
+his nature) butting away. Early in the morning, on going out to see
+how the ram had fared, he found that he had butted himself all away,
+except a part of his tail, and that was hammering away at the swinging
+block. That's the way to stick to your pledge.
+
+
+A HORRIFIED DANDY.--79.
+
+A dandy, who was seated on the balcony of a Saratoga hotel, among
+a large company, was exquisitely dressed, and very highly perfumed
+with musk, which is very disagreeable to some persons. A plain farmer
+happening to pass near him, commenced snuffing suspiciously, and,
+looking around for the cause of the musky effluvia, he soon smelt out
+the dandy, and thus addressed him:--"I say, mister, I can tell ye
+what'll take that smell out of yer clothes: just bury 'em under ground
+for a week. My uncle run agin a skunk once, and--" but before the
+sentence was finished the enraged dandy sped from the crowd to escape
+the shouts of laughter, while the innocent farmer, who only meant to
+do him a kindness, was wondering what caused his sudden departure.
+
+
+STRIKING EFFECT OF A STRIKE.--80.
+
+A Boston contemporary says he finds among his exchanges the following
+paragraph:--"The p_r_interS aRe on A [upside down S]_tr_iKe
+[side down f]or hi[upside down g]her [upside down wa]GeS,
+[upside down W]e H[sideways a]ve [sideways C]on_c_Lude_d_
+tO sEt o[sideways u]r o[sideways w]n tYp[upside down e]s
+[upside down i]n f_u_tUr[upside down e]! It [sideways si]
+EAsy [upside down e]Nou[_upside down g_]h,"
+[TN: "The printers are on a strike for higher wages, we have
+concluded to set our own types in future! It is easy enough,".]
+
+
+HABITS OF A GREAT MAN.--81.
+
+Several paragraphs (says a New York paper) have been going the rounds
+in relation to the habits of great men, which paragraphs, as usual,
+are all wrong; inasmuch as we have had the pleasure of dining and
+hobnobbing with all the great men of this and every other country
+on the face of the globe. An illustration will prove this to the
+satisfaction of everybody. Mr. Seward generally rises from his bed
+in the morning about the time he gets up. He rarely, if ever, eats
+his breakfast before he gets it. He is not particular what kind of
+food he has, if he is provided with what he calls for. In his dress
+he is plain; never appearing in public without his pantaloons. He
+never wears his vest outside of his coat. He speaks his native dialect
+without a foreign accent. As an evidence of the methodical precision
+with which he attends to business, it is only necessary to allude to
+the fact that he invariably draws his salary the moment it is due; his
+memory in this respect is prodigious. He generally writes on paper,
+and uses a pen, which at intervals he dips into a stand of ink, that
+he keeps upon his table.
+
+
+BILLY BRAY.--82.
+
+The enrolling officer of Salisbury district, Maryland, was very
+active and thorough in the performance of his duty. One day he went
+to the house of a countryman, and finding none of the male members of
+the family at home, made inquiry of an old woman about the number and
+age of the "males" of the family. After naming several, the old lady
+stopped. "Is there no one else?" asked the officer. "No," replied the
+woman; "none except Billy Bray." "Billy Bray! where is he?" "He was at
+the barn a moment ago," said the old lady. Out went the officer, but
+could not find the man. Coming back, the worthy officer questioned the
+old lady as to the age of Billy, and went away, after enrolling his
+name among those to be drafted. The time of the drafting came; among
+those on whom the lot fell was Billy Bray. No one knew him. Where did
+he live? The officer who enrolled him was called on to produce him;
+and, lo and behold! Billy Bray was a _Jackass_! and stands now on the
+list of drafted men as forming one of the quota of Maryland.
+
+
+TRANSATLANTIC MATRIMONIAL ADVERTISEMENTS.--83.
+
+We clip the subjoined advertisements relating to matrimony from the
+_New York Herald_. As they are unique in their way, our readers will,
+no doubt, be amused by perusing them. It is to be hoped that the
+ardent gentleman in quest of "some congenial soul" is by this time in
+a fair way of resigning his bachelorhood:--
+
+      "'De Factum.'--The undersigned, a young gentleman versed
+      in the ways of the world, and of a cheerful temperament,
+      seeks for some congenial soul with whom he can exchange
+      vows of unchanging love. He is considered good-looking,
+      is twenty-five years of age, and possesses a comfortable
+      fortune. Wealth no object, as a true-hearted lady is all he
+      desires. Any young lady or widow may, if they are prompted
+      by sincere motives, address," &c.
+
+      "Two young gentlemen, possessed of large fortunes, but
+      rather green, wish to open correspondence with young ladies
+      of the same circumstances, with a view to matrimony.
+      Brunettes preferred; but no objection to blondes, provided
+      they are perfect--past all parallel. Address," &c.
+
+      "I am desirous to form the acquaintance of an Italian or
+      Spanish gentleman with an ultimate view to marriage. As
+      I cannot see myself as others see me, of myself I say
+      nothing. Address," &c.
+
+      "Should this meet the eye of any sensible man not over
+      thirty-five, who would like a wife that understands
+      housekeeping in all its branches, educated and refined,
+      whose forte is not all in a piano, he can address, &c.
+      Cartes de visite desired."
+
+
+A CITIZEN OF ALL THE STATES.--84.
+
+A son of the Emerald Isle, but not himself green, was taken up (for
+he was at the time down) near a rebel encampment not far from the
+Manassas Junction. In a word, Pat was taking a quiet nap in the
+shade, and was roused from his slumbers by a scouting party. He wore
+no special uniform of either army, but looked more like a spy than
+an alligator, and on this he was arrested. "Who are you?" "What is
+your name?" and "Where are you from?" were the first questions put to
+him by the armed party. Pat rubbed his eyes, scratched his head, and
+answered: "By my faith, gintlemen, them is ugly questions to answer
+any how; and before I answer any of them, I'd be after axin you, by
+yer lave, the same thing." "Well," said the leader, "We are of Scott's
+army, and belong to Washington." "All right," said Pat; "I know'd
+ye was gintlemen, for I am the same. Long life to Gineral Scott!"
+"Aha!" replied the scout, "now, you rascal, you are our prisoner," and
+seized him by the shoulder. "How is that?" inquired Pat; "are we not
+friends?" "No," was the answer; "we belong to General Beauregard's
+army." "Then you told me a lie, me boys; and thinking it might be so,
+I told you another. Now, tell me the truth, and I'll tell the truth
+too." "Well, we belong to the State of South Carolina." "So do I,"
+promptly responded Pat, "and to all the other States of the country
+too; and there I'm thinking I bate the whole of ye. Do you think I
+would come all the way from Ireland to belong to one State, when I had
+a right to belong to the whole of 'em?"
+
+
+MIXING THE BABIES.--85.
+
+Patrick Lyon, an Irishman, and Hans Heidelbrooke, a German, and their
+families, both occupy one house in Cincinnati. Some nights since the
+families of both were increased, Pat's wife presenting him with
+twins, and Hans' wife presenting him with one, all girls. The nurse
+being desirous of contemplating the relative beauties of the little
+cherubs, with the hopes of finding out if there is any difference
+between a youthful Teuton and a cherub of Erin, got them so hopelessly
+mixed that it was impossible to distinguish "tother from which." Here
+was a terrible state of affairs. But the mother wit of the Irishwoman
+solved the difficulty. She was entitled to two of the children any
+how, and two she would take, and if either of them when grown up
+should talk Dutch she would repudiate its paternity and lay claim to
+the third. The Dutch woman coincided with the idea, and clasped to her
+bosom the remaining child, resolved to watch for the first indication
+of the brogue that might change her parental love to unmitigated
+disgust.
+
+
+DANIEL WEBSTER AND WILLIAM WIRT.--86.
+
+Daniel Webster was once engaged in a case in one of the Virginia
+courts, and the opposing counsel was William Wirt, author of the "Life
+of Patrick Henry," which has been criticised as a brilliant romance.
+In the progress of the case Mr. Webster produced a highly respectable
+witness, whose testimony (unless disproved or impeached) settled the
+case, and annihilated Mr. Wirt's client. After getting through the
+testimony he informed Mr. Wirt, with a significant expression, that
+he was through with the witness, and he was at his service. Mr. Wirt
+rose to commence the cross-examination, but seemed for a moment quite
+perplexed how to proceed, but quickly assumed a manner expressive
+of his incredulity as to the facts elicited, and coolly eyeing the
+witness a moment he said: "Mr. K----, allow me to ask you whether you
+have ever read a work called Baron Munchausen?" Before the witness had
+time to reply, Mr. Webster quickly rose and said: "I beg your pardon,
+Mr. Wirt, for the interruption, but there was one question I forgot to
+ask the witness, and if you will allow me that favour I promise not
+to interrupt you again." Mr. Wirt, in the blandest manner, replied,
+"Yes, most certainly;" when Mr. Webster, in the most deliberate and
+solemn manner, said: "Sir, have you ever read Wirt's 'Life of Patrick
+Henry?'" The effect was so irresistible, that even the judge could not
+control his rigid features. Mr. Wirt himself joined in the momentary
+laugh, and turning to Mr. Webster said, "Suppose we submit this case
+to the jury without summing up;" which was assented to, and Mr.
+Webster's client won the case.
+
+
+NOT TO BE DONE.--87.
+
+You have heard, perhaps, reader, of the encounter between an
+Englishman and the market-woman at a fruit-stand in New York. The
+Englishman had learned of the Yankee habit of bragging, and he thought
+he would cut the comb of that propensity. He saw some huge watermelons
+on the market-woman's stand, and walking up to her, and pointing at
+them with a look of disappointment, said: "What! don't you raise
+bigger apples than these in America?" The woman looked at him for a
+moment, and then retorted: "Apples! any body might know you was an
+Englishman. Them's huckleberries."
+
+
+CAUGHT UNAWARES.--88.
+
+A wager was laid on the Yankee peculiarity of answering one question
+by asking another. To decide the bet a Down-Easter was interrogated.
+"I want you," said the better, "to give me a straightforward answer
+to a plain question." "I kin du it, mister," said the Yankee. "Then
+why is it New Englanders always answer a question by asking one in
+return?" "_Du they?_" was Jonathan's reply.
+
+
+THE YOUNG PATRIOT.--89.
+
+"No, William Baker, you cannot have my daughter's hand in marriage
+until you are equal in wealth and social position." The speaker
+was a haughty old man of some sixty years, and the person whom he
+addressed was a fine-looking young fellow of twenty-five. With a sad
+aspect, the young man withdrew from the stately mansion. Six months
+later he stood again in the presence of the haughty father, who thus
+angrily addressed him: "What! you here again?" "Ah, old man," proudly
+exclaimed William Baker, "I am here--your daughter's equal and yours!"
+The old man's lip curled with scorn, a derisive smile lit up his cold
+features; when casting violently upon the marble centre table an
+enormous roll of greenbacks, William Baker cried--"See! Look on this
+wealth; and I've tenfold more! Listen, old man! You spurned me from
+your door, but I did not despair. I secured a contract for furnishing
+the army of the ---- with beef----" "Yes, yes!" eagerly exclaimed the
+old man. "And I bought up all the disabled cavalry horses I could
+find----" "I see, I see!" cried the old man; "and good beef they make,
+too." "They do, they do! and the profits are immense." "I should say
+so." "And now, sir, I claim your daughter's fair hand." "Boy, she is
+yours. But hold! Look me in the eye. Throughout all this have you
+been loyal?" "To the core!" cried William Baker. "And," continued
+the old man, in a voice husky with emotion, "are you in favour of a
+vigorous prosecution of the war?" "I am, I am!" "Then, boy, take her!
+Maria, child, come hither. Your William claims thee. Be happy, my
+children! And, whatever our lot in life may be, let us all support the
+Government."
+
+
+DEMOSTHENES NOT DEAD.--90.
+
+They have orators out in Illinois, if we trust the description of
+a certain military one, furnished us by a correspondent in that
+State:--It was in dog-days, and a great hue and cry had been raised
+about mad dogs. Although no person could be found who had seen one,
+the excitement still grew by the rumours it was fed on. A meeting
+of the citizens was called for the purpose of devising plans for
+the extermination not only of mad dogs, but, to make safety doubly
+sure, of dogs in general. The "brigadier" was appointed chairman.
+After stating the objects of the meeting in a not very parliamentary
+manner, instead of taking his seat and allowing others to make some
+suggestions, he launched forth into a speech of some half-hour's
+length, of which the following burst of forensic splendour is a
+sample:--"FELLER CITIZENS,--The time has come when the
+overcharged feelings of aggrawated human natur are no longer to be
+stood. Mad dogs are midst of us; their shriekin' yelp and fomy track
+can be heered and seen on our peraries. Death follers in their wake;
+shall we sit here like cowards while our lives and our neighbours'
+lives are in danger from their dreadful vorashus hidrofobie caninety?
+No, it mustn't be. E'en now my house is torn with conflictin' feelin's
+of wrath and wengeance; a funeral pyre of wild cats is burstin'
+within me. I have horses and cattle, I have sheep and pigs, I have
+a wife and children, and," rising higher as the importance of the
+subject deepened in his estimation, "I have money out at interest;
+_all in danger of bein' bit by these infernal dogs_!"
+
+
+A PUZZLED JUDGE.--91.
+
+A man, named Josh, was brought before a country squire for stealing
+a hog, and three witnesses being examined swore they saw him steal
+it. A wag, having volunteered as counsel for Josh, knowing the scope
+of the squire's brain, arose and addressed him as follows:--"May it
+please your honour, I can establish this man's honesty beyond the
+shadow of a doubt, for I have twelve witnesses ready to swear that
+they DID NOT see him steal it." The squire rested his head
+for a few moments upon his hand, as if in deep thought, and with great
+dignity arose, and, brushing back his hair, said: "If there are twelve
+who did not see him steal it, and only three who did, I discharge the
+prisoner."
+
+
+TO NEWSPAPER BORROWERS.--92.
+
+An up-country editor thus pays his respects to "Newspaper
+borrowers--May theirs be a life of single blessedness; may their paths
+be carpeted with cross-eyed snakes, and their nights be haunted with
+knock-kneed tom-cats."
+
+
+PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE.--93.
+
+     Up this world, and down this world,
+     And over this world and through,
+       Though drifted about,
+       And tossed without,
+     Why, "paddle your own canoe."
+
+     What though the sky is heavy with clouds,
+     Or shining a field of blue;
+       If the bleak wind blows,
+       Or the sunshine glows,
+     Still "paddle your own canoe."
+
+     What if breakers rise up ahead,
+     With dark waves rushing through,
+       Move steadily by
+       With a steadfast eye,
+     And "paddle your own canoe."
+
+     If a hurricane rise in the midnight skies,
+     And the stars are lost to view,
+       Glide safely along,
+       With a smile and a song,
+     And "paddle your own canoe."
+
+     Up this world, and down this world,
+     And over this world and through,
+       Though weary and worn,
+       Bereft and forlorn,
+     Still "paddle your own canoe."
+
+     Never give up when trials come,
+     Never grow sad and blue.
+       Never sit down
+       With a tear and a frown,
+     But "paddle your own canoe."
+
+     There are daisies springing along the shores,
+     Blooming and sweet for you;
+       There are rose-hued dyes
+       In the autumn skies--
+     Then "paddle your own canoe."
+
+
+TO SNORERS.--94.
+
+An inventive Yankee has produced an apparatus which, he says, is a
+cure for snoring. He fastens upon the nose a gutta-percha tube leading
+to the tympanum of the ear. Whenever the snorer snores, he himself
+receives the first impression, finds how disagreeable it is, and, of
+course, reforms.
+
+
+INGENIOUS BOOT-BLACK.--95.
+
+The street boot-blacks are one of the "institutions" of New York, as
+well as of some other large cities. These boys are generally so polite
+and so industrious that we rather like them, and sometimes take a
+"shine up" just to see them work, and to chat with the smart little
+fellows. Here is a case illustrating their ingenuity:--A well-dressed
+man standing at a hotel-door not long since was hailed by one of them
+with the usual question, "Shine up, sir?" "What do you charge for
+blacking boots?" asked the man, who was somewhat noted for stinginess.
+"Five cents," was the reply. "Too much, too much; I'll give you three
+cents," said the man. "All right," said the youngster, and at it he
+went with might and main, and very soon had one boot shining like a
+mirror; but, instead of commencing on the other he began to pack up
+his brushes. "You havn't finished," exclaimed the man. "Never mind,"
+replied the boot-black, with a twinkle in his eye; "I won't charge you
+anything for what I've done; there comes a customer who pays." The
+man glanced at the shining boot, then at the other, which was rusty
+and bespattered with mud, thought of the ridiculous figure he would
+make with _one_ polished boot, and amid the laughter of the bystanders
+agreed to give the sharp boy ten cents to finish the job, which he did
+in double quick time, and with great pleasure.
+
+
+A YANKEE'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--96.
+
+     Sir, I was born and raised in Connecticut;
+       Bolted to sea, and was wreck'd in Japan;
+     Quite a respectable figure I 'spect I cut,
+       When coming back to keep school I began.
+     Guess at the saw-mill I proved a top sawyer,
+       And as a minister made a small splurge;
+     Reckon I felt more at home as a lawyer,
+       Ere as a doctor I learn'd how to purge.
+     But the long words in the medical lexicon
+       Soon I forgot from a couple of years
+     Spent in campaigning against the darn'd Mexican,
+       When I commanded the Bragg Volunteers.
+     Just for a change, then a paper I edited,
+       Scorch'd politicians, and pitch'd into books;
+     That was before I was envoy accredited--
+       Austrian plenipo--General Snooks.
+     'Tis a slow life--that of Minister resident--
+       Posting despatches to kings, and what not;
+     But, as they propose to run me for President,
+       Hang'd if I care to repine at my lot.
+
+
+COLD PICTURE.--97.
+
+An eminent artist, American, of course, lately painted a snow-storm so
+naturally that he caught a bad cold by sitting near it with his coat
+off.
+
+
+LINCOLN ON NIGGER MATHEMATICS.--98.
+
+Our humorous Chief Magistrate was lately visited by one of the "On
+to Richmond," sword of Gideon gentry, who confidently expressed the
+hope so common among the abolition noodles, that Lee's army would be
+"bagged." The President grinned to the utmost of his classic mouth,
+and remarked that he was afraid there would be too much "nigger
+mathematics" in it. The visitor smiled at the allusion, as he felt
+bound in politeness to do, supposing there must be something in it,
+though he could not see the point. "But I suppose you don't know what
+'nigger mathematics' is?" continued Mr. Lincoln. "Lay down your hat
+a minute and I'll tell you." He himself resumed the sitting posture,
+leaned back in his chair, elevated his heels on the table, and went
+on with his story. "There was a darky in my neighbourhood called
+Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in figuring up the prices of
+chickens and vegetables, got the reputation of being a mathematical
+genius. Mr. Johnson, a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey and called
+to see him. 'Here ye're a great mat'm'tishum, Pompey.' 'Yes sar, you
+jas try.' 'Well, Pompey, Ize compound a problem in mat'matics.' 'All
+right, sar.' 'Now Pompey, spose dere am tree pigeons sittin' on a
+rail-fence, and you fire a gun at 'em and shoot one, how many's left?'
+'Two, ob coors,' replies Pompey, after a little wool scratching.
+'Ya! ya! ya!' laughs Mr. Johnson; 'I knowed you was a fool, Pompey;
+dere's none left; one's dead, and dudder two's flown away.' That's
+what makes me say," continued Mr. Lincoln, "that I am afraid there was
+too much 'nigger mathematics' in the Pennsylvania campaign." And the
+result showed that in this instance, at least, the anecdote suited the
+fact. Lee's army was the three pigeons. One of them was taken down at
+Gettysburg, but the other two flew over the Potomac.
+
+
+THE WRONG TRAIN.--99.
+
+Some young men, going from Columbus to Cincinnati Ohio, in the cars,
+were getting rather noisy and profane, when a gentleman in a white
+cravat tapped one of them on the shoulder, with the remark, "Young
+man, do you know that you are on the road to perdition?" "That's just
+my luck; I got a ticket for Cincinnati, and I've got into the wrong
+train."
+
+
+SCIENTIFIC AGREEMENT.--100.
+
+A California paper tells the story of a showman who delighted an
+"appreciating public" with a view of the Mammoth Cave. It was his
+custom, as each scene was exhibited, to explain it. When the great
+cave came to view, he stepped forward and said: "Ladies and gentlemen,
+this is a great phenomena--indeed, the greatest of the world. The
+learned of all nations have visited it; but while none could agree
+as to the cause which had produced it, they all came to this grand
+conclusion, that it was one of the most tremendous holes in the ground
+they had ever seen."
+
+
+THE SADDEST SIGHT.--101.
+
+The attention of bachelors is invited to the following "wail" from
+the _Springfield Republican_:--"There are some sad sights in this
+world: a city sacked and burned--a London in the midst of a plague--a
+ship burning at sea--a family pining in starvation--a jug of molasses
+wrecked on the pavement; but the saddest sight to us of all is an old
+bachelor, stolidly walking towards his end, his great duties undone,
+his shirt buttons off, his stockings out at the toes, and nobody to
+leave his money to. Were we such a man, the mild, reproving eye of
+a widow or maiden lady would drive us mad. But there is still hope.
+Uglier and older men than any of our friends have married beautiful
+wives, who trained them admirably, and spent their money elegantly."
+
+
+NO DOUBT.--102.
+
+A western editor, in noticing a new and splendid hearse, says, "He has
+no doubt it will afford much satisfaction to those who use it."
+
+
+JOB'S PATIENCE--AS VIEWED BY A LADY.--103.
+
+If there _is_ a proverb that needs revamping, it is "_the patience
+of Job_." Now, in the first place, Job _wasn't_ patient. Like all the
+rest of his sex, from that day to the present, he could be heroic only
+for a time. He _began_ bravely, but ended, as most of them do under
+annoyance, by cursing and swearing. Patient as Job! Did Job ever try,
+when he was hungry, to eat shad with a frisky baby in his lap? Did Job
+ever try, after nursing one all night, and upon taking his seat at the
+breakfast-table the morning after, to pour out coffee for six people,
+and second cups at that, before he had a chance to take a mouthful
+himself? Pshaw! I've no patience with "Job's patience." It is of no
+use to multiply instances; but there's not a faithful house-mother in
+the land who does not out-distance him in the sight of men and angels
+every hour in the twenty-four.
+
+
+HUNTING UP A SOFT PLACE.--104.
+
+"I was down to see the widow yesterday," said Tim's uncle, "and
+she gave me a dinner. I went down rather early in the morning. We
+talked, and laughed, and chatted, and run on, she going out and in
+occasionally, till dinner was ready, when she helped me graciously to
+a piece of pie. Now I thought that, Tim, rather favourable. I took it
+as a symptom of personal approbation, because everybody knows I love
+pigeon pie, and I flattered myself she had cooked it on purpose for
+me. So I grew particularly cheerful, and thought I could see it in
+her too. So, after dinner, while sitting close beside the widow, I
+fancied we both felt kind of comfortable like: I know I did. I fell
+over head and ears in love with her, and I imagined, from the way she
+looked, she had fallen in love with me. She appeared for all the world
+as if she thought it was coming. Presently--I couldn't help it--I
+laid my hand softly on her beautiful shoulder, and I remarked, when I
+placed it there, in my blandest tones, Tim--for I tried to throw my
+whole soul into the expression--I remarked, then, with my eyes pouring
+love, truth, and fidelity right into hers: 'Widow, this is the nicest,
+softest place I ever had my hand in all my life!' Looking benevolently
+at me, and at the same time flushing up a little, she said, in melting
+and winning tones: 'Doctor, give me your hand, and I'll put it on a
+much softer place.' In a moment, in rapture, I consented, and, taking
+my hand, she very gently, Tim, and quietly laid it on my head. Now,
+Tim, I havn't told this to a livin' soul but you, and, by jinks! you
+musn't. But I couldn't hold in any longer, so I tell you; but, mind,
+it musn't go any further."
+
+
+ENGLISH GRAMMAR.--105.
+
+The "Comic Grammar" says:--
+
+     But remember, though box
+       In the plural makes boxes,
+     The plural of ox
+       Should be _oxen_, not oxes.
+
+To which an exchange paper adds:--
+
+     And remember, though fleece
+       In the plural is fleeces,
+     That the plural of goose
+       Aren't _gooses_ nor _geeses_.
+
+We may also be permitted to add:--
+
+     And remember, though house
+       In the plural is houses,
+     The plural of mouse
+       Should be _mice_, and not _mouses_.
+
+            --_Philadelphia Gazette._
+
+     All of which goes to prove
+       That grammar a farce is;
+     For where is the plural
+       Of rum and molasses?
+
+            --_New York Gazette._
+
+     The plural--_Gazette_--
+       Of rum don't us trouble;
+     Take one glass too much
+       And you're sure to see double.
+
+            --_Brooklyn Daily Advertiser._
+
+     A pair of blue eyes--
+       Just to vary the strain--
+     Says the plural of kiss
+       Is--"Do it again!"
+
+            --_Howard County Sentinel._
+
+     Our English vernacular
+       Is rife in abuse:
+     "Unloose" is the same thing
+       As if you said _loose_!
+
+            --_Montreal Pilot._
+
+     To these observations
+       We also might add
+     Much to prove that all grammar's
+       Deplorably bad;
+     But for Lennie and Murray
+       We have too much respect,
+     To say e'en a word
+       Having evil effect.
+
+            --_Anon._
+
+
+ALL WELL.--106.
+
+A young lady of extraordinary capacity, addressed the following letter
+to her cousin:--"We is all well, and mother's got the his Terrix;
+brother Tom is got the Hupin Kaugh, and sister Ann has got a babee,
+and hope these few lines will find you the same. Rite sune. Your
+apfhectionate kuzzen."
+
+
+WHAT HE ALWAYS DID AT HOME.--107.
+
+There is a story told of an Irishman who, landing in our harbour, was
+met and welcomed by a countryman who had been longer here. "Welcome,
+Pat," said the latter, "I'm glad to see ye; ye've come just in
+time, for to-morrow's election day." Pat and his friend took some
+refreshment together, and presently the newly arrived began to make
+some inquiries about voting. "Ye'll vote for who ye plaize," said his
+friend, "sure it's a free counthry." "Well, thin, begorra," rejoined
+Pat, "I go agin the Government, that's what I always did at home."
+
+
+HAVING THE COFFIN HANDY.--108.
+
+A man near Cleveland, Ohio, applied for exemption from the draft
+because an old mother needed his cherishing care. To show how much
+feeling this affectionate son has for his old mother, the neighbours
+say he has had her coffin in the house for over two years. He came
+to town with a load of wood one day, and being unable to sell it, he
+contrived to trade it off with an undertaker for a coffin. His mother
+being old, might die suddenly, and then, as Mrs. Toddles says, "how
+handy it would be to have in the house." Being of a frugal as well as
+an ingenious turn of mind, he put the coffin in the cellar to keep
+turnips, against such time as the old lady might drop off.
+
+
+PATERNAL ADVICE.--109.
+
+"Ven you arrive at the dignity of sawin' wood, Lafayette, if you is
+elvevated to that perfesshun, mind and always saw de biggest fust;
+cause vy? you'll only have te leetle vuns to saw ven you gets tired
+out. Ven you eats pie, as I spose you may if you lives to be a man,
+eat de crust fust--tain't a good thing to top off with, if it's tough
+and thick as sole leather. Ven you piles up wood, alvays put de pig
+vuns on to te bottom--always, Lafayette, cause it's mighty hard vork
+to lift dem to de top ob te pile. Dese are te results ob observation,
+Lafayette, and may be depended on, and it's for your good I say it."
+"Vy, father," said young hopeful, "vot a 'normous 'xperience you must
+a had!"
+
+
+THE FIRST MARRIAGE.--110.
+
+We like short courtships, and in this Adam acted like a sensible man.
+He fell asleep a bachelor, and awoke to find himself a married man. He
+appeared to have popped the question almost immediately after meeting
+Mademoiselle Eve, and she without any flirtation or shyness, gave him
+a kiss and herself. Of this first event in the world, we have however,
+our thoughts, and sometimes in a poetical mood have wished that we
+were the man that did it. But the deed is done. The chance was Adam's
+and he improved it. We like the notion of getting married in a garden;
+it is a good taste. We like a private wedding--Adam's was private. No
+envious beaux were there; no croaking old maids; no chattering aunts
+and grumbling grandmothers. The birds of heaven were the minstrels,
+and the glad sky flung its light upon the scene. One thing about
+the wedding brings queer thoughts to us spite of scriptural truth.
+Adam and his wife were rather young to be married--some two or three
+days old, according to the sagest speculations of theologians; mere
+babies--larger, but no older; without experience, without a house,
+without a pot or kettle--nothing but love and Eden.
+
+
+NOVEL COMMENTARY BY A PARSON.--111.
+
+A minister at a camp meeting was delivering a discourse on pride, and,
+in cautioning the ladies against it, he said: "And you, dear sisters,
+may perhaps feel proud that our Lord paid you the distinguished
+honour of appearing first to one of you after the resurrection; but
+you have no reason for it, as it was undoubtedly done that the glad
+tidings might spread sooner."
+
+
+LOBSTER SALAD.--112.
+
+In a lecture at Portland, Maine, the lecturer, wishing to explain to
+a little girl the manner in which a lobster casts his shell when he
+has outgrown it, said: "What do you do when you have outgrown your
+clothes? You cast them aside, do you not?" "Oh, no!" replied the
+little one, "we let out the tucks!" The lecturer confessed she had the
+advantage of him there.
+
+
+COULDN'T HELP IT, IN FACT.--113.
+
+A grand jury down South ignored a bill against a negro for stealing
+chickens, and before discharging him from custody, the judge bade him
+stand reprimanded, and he concluded thus:--"You may go now, John,
+but let me warn you never to appear here again." John, with delight
+beaming in his eyes, and a broad grin, displaying a beautiful row
+of ivory, replied: "I wouldn't been here dis time, Judge, only de
+constable fotch me."
+
+
+AFTER JOINING CHURCH.--114.
+
+Uncle Sam had a neighbour who was in the habit of working on Sunday,
+but after a while he joined the church. One day he met the minister
+to whose church he belonged. "Well, Uncle Sam," said he, "do you see
+any difference in Mr. P. since he joined the church?" "Oh, yes," said
+Uncle Sam, "a great difference. Before, when he went out to mend his
+fences on Sunday, he carried his axe on his shoulder, but now he
+carries it under his over-coat."
+
+
+REMARKABLE DREAM.--115.
+
+A bashful youth was paying his addresses to a gay lass of the country,
+who had long despaired of bringing things to a crisis. Youth called
+one day when she was alone at home. After settling the merits of the
+weather, Miss said, looking slyly into his face, "I dreamed of you
+last night," "Did you? Why, now." "Yes, I dreamed you kissed me!"
+"Why, now, what did you dream your mother said?" "Oh, I dreamed she
+wasn't at home." A light dawned on Youth's intellect, and directly
+something was heard to crack.
+
+THE NEST EGG.--116.
+
+Some friends of ours in Ohio have a little boy about six years old,
+and a little girl about four. They had been cautioned in their morning
+strife after hens' eggs not to take away the nest egg; but one morning
+the little girl reached the nest first, seized an egg, and started for
+the house. Her disappointed brother followed, crying, "Mother, mother!
+Suzy, she's been and got the egg the old hen measures by!"
+
+
+WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW? BY J. G. SAXE.--117.
+
+     I know a girl with teeth of pearl
+     And shoulders white as snow;
+       She lives--ah! well,
+       I must not tell--
+     Wouldn't you like to know?
+
+     Her sunny hair is wondrous fair,
+     And wavy in its flow.
+       Who made it less
+       One little tress--
+     Wouldn't you like to know?
+
+     Her eyes are blue (celestial hue)
+     And dazzling in their glow.
+       On whom they beam
+       With melting gleam--
+     Wouldn't you like to know?
+
+     Her lips are red and finely wed,
+     Like roses ere they blow.
+       What lover sips
+       Those dewy lips--
+     Wouldn't you like to know?
+
+     Her fingers are like lilies fair,
+     When lilies fairest grow.
+       Whose hand they press
+       With fond caress--
+     Wouldn't you like to know?
+
+     Her foot is small, and has a fall
+     Like snow-flakes on the snow.
+         And where it goes
+         Beneath the rose--
+     Wouldn't you like to know?
+
+     She has a name, the sweetest name
+     That language can bestow.
+         'Twould break the spell
+         If I should tell--
+     Wouldn't you like to know?
+
+
+WOMAN-OLOGY.--118.
+
+We (_Home Journal_) wish to be learned in the subtle science of
+the softer sex. We aspire to know, at least, what it is that makes
+woman so adorable as magnetism pronounces her to be, and we have
+seen nothing so tributary to this science as an article in "Once a
+Month," entitled "The Good that hath been said of Woman." From the
+pleasant little periodical we speak of (edited by a younger brother of
+our own), we quote thus largely:--"One day the Fairy Blue descended
+upon earth with the courteous intention of distributing to all her
+daughters, inhabitants of different lands, the treasures and favours
+she brought with her. Her dwarf, Amaranth, sounded his horn, and
+immediately a young girl of each nation presented herself at the foot
+of the throne of Fairy Blue. This happened a long time before the
+revolution of July, 1830. The good Fairy Blue said to all her friends:
+'I desire that none of you shall have to complain of the gift I am
+about to make you. It is not in my power to give each of you the
+same thing; but such want of uniformity in my largesses, should that
+deprive them of all merit?' As time is precious to the fairies, they
+say but little. Fairy Blue here finished her speech, and commenced the
+distribution of her gifts. She gave to the young girl who represented
+the Castiles, hair so black and so long that she could make a mantilla
+of it. To the Italian girl she gave eyes, sparkling and brilliant as
+an eruption of Vesuvius at midnight. To the Turkish, an _embonpoint_
+round as the moon, and soft as eider-down. To the English, an
+aurora-borealis, to tint her cheeks, her lips, her shoulders. To the
+German, such teeth as she had herself, and what is not worth less
+than pretty teeth, but which has its price, a feeling heart, and
+one profoundly disposed to love. To the Russian girl she gave the
+distinction of a queen. Then, passing to detail, she placed gaiety
+upon the lips of a Neapolitan girl, wit in the head of an Irish, good
+sense in the heart of a Flemish; and when she had no more to give,
+she prepared to take her flight. 'And I?' said the Parisian girl,
+retaining her by her blue tunic. 'I had forgotten you.' 'Entirely
+forgotten, Madam?' 'You were too near me, and I did not perceive you.
+But what can I do now? The bag of gifts is exhausted.'"
+
+
+OLE HARRY AND OLE NICK.--119.
+
+When Nicholas Biddle, familiarly called Nick Biddle, was connected
+with the United States Bank, there was an old negro named Harry, who
+used to be loafing about the premises. One day, in a social mood,
+Biddle said to the darkey, "Well, what is your name, my old friend?"
+"Harry, sir--ole Harry," said the other, touching his seedy hat. "Old
+Harry," said Biddle; "why, that is the name they give to the devil, is
+it not?" "Yes, sir," said the coloured gentleman; "sometimes ole Harry
+and sometimes ole Nick."
+
+
+WESTERN OBITUARY NOTICE.--120.
+
+Mister Edatur,--Jem bangs, we are sorry to stait, has desized. He
+departed this Life last mundy. Jem was generally considered a gud
+feller. He died at the age of 23 years old. He went 4th without any
+struggle; and sich is Life. Tu Day we are as pepper grass, mighty
+smart, to-Murrer we are cut down like a cowcumber of the ground. Jem
+kept a nice stoar, which his wife now waits on. His virchews was
+numerous to behold. Many is the things we bot at his grocerry, and
+we are happy to stait to the admirin world that he never cheeted,
+especially in the wate of markrel, which was nice and sweet, and his
+surviving wife is the same wa. We never knew him to put sand in his
+sugar, tho he had a big sand bar in front of his hous; nor water in
+his Lickuris, tho the Ohio River runs past his dore. Pece to his
+remaines. He leves a wife, 8 children, a cow, 4 horses, a grocerry
+stoar, and quadrupets, to mourn his loss; but, in the spalendid
+language of the poit, his loss is there eternal gane.
+
+
+PUTTING FORWARD HIS CREED.--121.
+
+The gentleman who edits the _Kentucky Rifle_, having been taken to
+task by a lady correspondent as to what constituted his particular
+faith, thus puts forward his creed:--"We believe that Mrs. Zebedee
+was a nice woman and that Mr. Zebedee was the father of his own
+children. We believe that guano and lime mixed together will make
+splendid hartshorn. It is our opinion that a donkey's kick and editing
+a newspaper are two of the hardest things in creation. We believe
+that getting 'tight' loosens the morals, but we shall always contend
+that it is cheaper in the long run to try the experiment with good
+whisky than with a mean article. We believe that a man who can be kept
+awake six nights in the week with jumping toothache, and be 'roused'
+by a squalling baby just as he has fallen into a doze on the seventh
+night, without getting mad or wondering why babies and toothache were
+invented, is a greater philosopher than Newton, and a greater hero
+than Leonidas and all his Spartans put together. We believe that a man
+is not likely to be sick so often if he pays his physician by the year
+as if he pays him by the visit. We believe that every well-regulated
+family ought always to have one baby in it, just for the fun of the
+thing. We believe that the man who invented tallow candles must have
+been too poor to afford pine-knots. It is our opinion that if a number
+of gentlemen are sitting together talking sensibly upon some subject,
+and a lady enters, they will immediately commence talking foolishly
+and keep it up until she makes her exit. We believe they do so by way
+of complimentary condescension to female weakness."
+
+
+NOT SO.--122.
+
+Many proverbs admit of contradiction, as witness the following:--"The
+more the merrier." Not so--one hand is enough in a purse. "Nothing but
+what has an end." Not so--a ring has none, for it is round. "Money
+is a great comfort." Not when it brings a thief to the gallows. "The
+world is a long journey." Not so--the sun goes over it in a day. "It
+is a great way to the bottom of the sea." Not so--it is but a stone's
+cast. "A friend is best found in adversity." Not so--for then there
+is none to be found. "The pride of the rich makes the labour of the
+poor." Not so--the labour of the poor makes the pride of the rich.
+
+
+THE OHIO DEMOCRACY.--123.
+
+The _Cincinnati Commercial_, in a report of a Vallandigham meeting
+at Carthage, Ohio, sets down what it calls "the barometrical
+register" of the meeting as follows:--"Nine a.m.--Invitations to
+drink are freely offered and accepted. Ten a.m.--Sober, but drinking.
+Eleven a.m.--Noisy and demonstrative; liquor becoming effective.
+Twelve a.m.--Generally 'tight;' pugnacity rising. One p.m.--Rather
+drunk; fights freely offered. Two p.m.--Quite drunk; black eyes in
+abundance--holders not very firm. Three p.m.--Very drunk; hacks and
+furniture-cars in demand. Four p.m.--D--cidedly drunk; too far gone to
+fight."
+
+
+A NICE GIRL.--124.
+
+There is nothing half so sweet in life--half so beautiful, or
+delightful, or so loveable--as a "nice girl." Not a pretty, or a
+dashing, or an elegant girl, but a _nice_ girl. One of those lovely,
+lively, good-tempered, good-hearted, sweet-faced, amiable, neat,
+happy, domestic creatures met within the sphere of home, diffusing
+around the domestic hearth the influence of her goodness like the
+essence of sweet flowers. A nice girl is not the languishing beauty,
+dawdling on a sofa, and discussing the last novel or opera; or the
+giraffe-like creature sweeping majestically through a drawing-room.
+The nice girl may not even dance or play well, and knows nothing
+about "using her eyes," or coquetting with a fan. She is not given to
+sensation novels--she is too busy. At the opera, she is not in front
+showing her bare shoulders, but sits quietly and unobtrusively--at
+the back of the box most likely. In fact, it is not often in such
+scenes we discover her. Home is her place. Who rises betimes, and
+superintends the morning meal? Who makes the toast and the tea, and
+buttons the boys' shirts, and waters the flowers, and feeds the
+chickens, and brightens up the parlour and sitting-room? Is it the
+languisher, or the giraffe, or the _élégante_? Not a bit of it--it's
+the nice girl. Her unmade toilet is made in the shortest possible
+time; yet how charmingly it is done, and how elegant her neat dress
+and plain colour! What kisses she distributes among the family! No
+presenting a cheek or a brow, like a "fine girl," but an audible
+smack, which says plainly, "I love you ever so much." If I ever
+coveted anything, it is one of the nice girl's kisses. Breakfast
+over, down in the kitchen to see about dinner; always cheerful and
+light-hearted. She never ceases to be active and useful until the day
+is done, when she will polka with the boys, and sing old songs, and
+play old tunes to her father for hours together. She is a perfect
+treasure, is the "nice girl," when illness comes; it is she that
+attends with unwearying patience to the sick chamber. There is no
+risk, no fatigue that she will not undergo, no sacrifice that she will
+not make. She is all love, all devotion. I have often thought it would
+be happiness to be ill, to be watched by such loving eyes and tended
+by such fair hands. One of the most strongly marked characteristics
+of a "nice girl" is tidiness and simplicity of dress. She is ever
+associated in my mind with a high frock, plain collar, and the
+neatest of neck-ribbons, bound with the most modest little brooch in
+the world. I never knew a "nice girl" who displayed a profusion of
+rings and bracelets, or who wore low dresses or a splendid bonnet.
+I say again, there is nothing in the world half so beautiful, half
+so intrinsically good, as a "nice girl." She is the sweetest flower
+in the path of life. There are others far more stately, far more
+gorgeous, but these we merely admire as we go by. It is where the
+daisy grows that we lie down to rest.
+
+
+A REASON FOR DEAR CREAM.--125.
+
+The _Boston Post_ says that the reason why cream is so dear is, that
+milk has risen so high the cream can't reach the top.
+
+
+ADVICE TO PARENTS.--126.
+
+Rear up your lads like nails, and then they'll not only go through the
+world, but you may clench 'em on to the other side.
+
+
+EXTRAORDINARY CROW.--127.
+
+A native of Kentucky imitates the crowing of a cock so remarkably
+well, that the sun, upon several occasions, has risen two hours
+earlier by mistake.
+
+
+LOGS WANTED.--128.
+
+The printer of the _Western Gazette_ lately published the following
+notice:--"Dry stove wood wanted immediately at this office, in
+exchange for papers. N.B. Don't bring logs that the _Devil_ can't
+split."
+
+
+LOOK ON THIS PICTURE AND ON THIS.--129.
+
+_Matrimony._--Hot buckwheat cake--comfortable slippers--smoking
+coffee--buttons--redeemed stockings--boot-jacks--happiness.
+_Bachelorhood._--Sheet-iron quilts--blue noses--frosty rooms--ice
+in the pitcher--unregenerated linen--heelless stockings--coffee
+sweetened with icicles--gutta-percha biscuits--flabby steaks--dull
+razors--corns--coughs and colics--rhubarb--aloes--misery.
+
+
+ABSENCE OF MIND.--130.
+
+A Mr. Jaber J. Jenkinson, of Arkansas, whose sight is such as to
+render glasses necessary, put his spectacles on his ear instead of his
+eyes, one day last week, and actually walked three miles sideways in a
+heavy rain before he discovered his mistake.
+
+
+DOMESTIC ECONOMY.--131.
+
+The _Boston Herald_ has the following infallible recipe:--"To make
+pie: Play at blind man's buff in a printing-office. To have music at
+dinner: Tell your wife she is not so handsome as the lady who lives
+over the way. To save butter: Make it so salt that nobody can eat it."
+
+
+TALL RELATIONS.--132.
+
+The wit deservedly won his bet who, in a company when every one was
+bragging of his tall relations, wagered that he himself had a brother
+twelve feet high. He had, he said, "two half-brothers, each measuring
+six feet."
+
+
+WE WONDER, TOO.--133.
+
+A little boy once said to his aunt, "Aunty, I should think that Satan
+must be an awful trouble to God." "He must be troubled enough,
+indeed, I should think," she answered. "I don't see how he came to
+turn out so, when there _was no devil to put him up to it_."
+
+
+INFLAMMABLE AND DANGEROUS.--134.
+
+Judge Beeler put a notice over his factory-gate at Lowell: "No cigars
+or Irishmen admitted within these walls; for," says he, "the one will
+set a flame agoin' among my cotton, and t'other among my gals. I won't
+have no such inflammable and dangerous things about me on no account."
+
+
+A RARE PRINTER.--135.
+
+A western paper contains the following advertisement:--"Wants a
+situation, a practical printer, who is competent to take charge of
+any department in a printing and publishing house. Would accept a
+professorship in any of the academies. Has no objection to teach
+ornamental painting and penmanship, geometry, trigonometry, and many
+other sciences. Is particularly suited to act as pastor to a small
+Evangelical church, or as a local preacher. He would have no objection
+to form a small but select class of interesting young ladies, to
+instruct in the highest branches. To a dentist or chiropodist he
+would be invaluable, as he can do almost anything. Would board with a
+family, if decidedly pious."
+
+
+SOMETHING LIKE A GOOD SHOT.--136.
+
+Two passengers coming down the Mississippi in a steamboat were amusing
+themselves with shooting birds on the shore from the deck. Some
+sporting conversation ensued; one remarked that he would turn his back
+to no man in killing racoons--that he had repeatedly shot fifty a
+day. "What o' that?" said a Kentuckian; "I make nothing of killing a
+hundred 'coon a day, or'nary luck." "Do you know Captain Scott, of our
+State?" asked a Tennessean bystander; "he, now, is something like a
+shot. A hundred 'coon! why he never points at one without hitting him.
+He never misses, and the 'coons know it. T'other day he levelled at an
+old 'un, in a high tree; the varmint looked at him a minute, and then
+bawled out, 'Hallo, Cap'n Scott, is that you?' 'Yes,' was the reply.
+'Well, pray don't shoot, I'll come down to you--I'll give in--I'm dead
+beat.'"
+
+
+ABSENCE OF MIND.--137.
+
+A highly respectable inhabitant in the city of New York lately died
+under very remarkable circumstances. He was subject to fits of extreme
+absence of mind from childhood; and one night, upon retiring to rest,
+having carefully tucked his pantaloons under the bed-clothes, he threw
+himself over the back of a chair, and expired from the severe cold he
+experienced during the night. The editor of the _New York Herald_, who
+relates this extraordinary fact, assures his readers, as a guarantee
+of its truth, that he received his information from the individual in
+question.
+
+
+A REMARKABLE MAN.--138.
+
+There is a man in the West who is described as being so remarkably
+tall that he requires a ladder to shave himself! The same individual
+never troubles his servant to sit up for him when he is out late at
+night, for he can, with the most perfect ease, put his arm down the
+chimney and unbolt the street-door.
+
+
+SPECTACLES AND BIBLE READING.--139.
+
+The will of Elias Boudinot, of New Jersey, has just been proved. It
+contains the following clause:--"I give to the president and managers
+of the New Jersey Bible Society 200 dollars, to be laid out in the
+purchase of spectacles, to be given by them to the poor old people; it
+being in vain to give a Bible to those who cannot obtain the means of
+reading it."
+
+
+TO THE POINT.--140.
+
+An officer who was inspecting his company one morning spied one
+private whose shirt was sadly begrimed. "Patrick O'Flynn!" called out
+the captain. "Here, yer honour!" promptly responded Patrick, with
+his hand to his cap. "How long do you wear a shirt?" thundered the
+officer. "Twenty-eight inches," was the rejoinder.
+
+
+EXTRAORDINARY MOTTO.--141.
+
+The _New York Herald_ has the following for its motto:--"Take no
+shin-plasters (all damned rogues who issue them), live temperately,
+drink moderately, eschew temperance societies, take care of the
+sixpences, never hurt a saint, go to bed at ten, rise at six, never
+buy on credit, fear God Almighty, love the beautiful girls, vote
+against Van Buren, and kick all politicians and parsons to the devil."
+
+
+EXCESSIVE POLITENESS.--142.
+
+A Californian poet gives the following lesson on politeness to the
+youth of the Golden State:--
+
+     "Indeed, my friends, far better it would seem,
+     Were you to choose the opposite extreme;
+     Like one 'Down East' who an umbrella took,
+     And from the rain gave shelter to a duck;
+     Who to a limping dog once lent his arm,
+     And to a setting hen said, 'Don't rise, ma'am;'
+     Nor e'er to lifeless things respect did lack--
+     Said always to a chair, 'Excuse my back;'
+     'Excuse my curiosity,' he said to books;
+     And to the looking-glass, 'Excuse my looks.'"
+
+
+"A SHELL IN DE STOVE."--143.
+
+The _New York Herald's_ Morris Island correspondent relates as follows
+an incident of the operations at Charleston:--Quite an uproar was
+occasioned in the rear of the _Herald's_ tent here yesterday. General
+Terry, whose head-quarters adjoin those of your correspondent, has a
+sable cook, who wanted some lead for his fishing-tackle, and undertook
+to melt some from the outside of a ten-pound Parrot shell, which he
+discovered lying about the camp. Placing the projectile in a stove,
+and seating himself where he could catch the molten metal in a shovel
+as it fell, he soon had the satisfaction of seeing one of the most
+startling views ever brought to his vision. The shell exploded, and
+besides blowing the stove and cookhouse to atoms, inflicted serious
+wounds upon the darkey. My servant, a contraband from Beaufort, gave
+vent to the universal sentiment, while he was surveying the wreck
+which the explosion occasioned, and from which we so narrowly escaped,
+in the following sage remark:--"De dam ole fool, come clar gown yere
+f'm Bos'n an' put a shell in de stove!" If General Terry's niggers
+continue to obtain their "sinkers" in this manner, you may expect to
+hear that the _Herald's_ head-quarters have been removed.
+
+
+DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.--144.
+
+In New York, a quick-witted toper went into a bar-room and called
+for something to drink. "We don't sell liquor," said the law-evading
+landlord; "we will give you a glass, and then if you want a cracker
+(a biscuit) we'll sell it you for three cents." The "good creature"
+was handed down, and our hero took a stiff horn; when, turning round
+to depart, the unsuspecting landlord handed him the dish of crackers,
+with the remark, "You'll buy a cracker?" "Well, no, I guess not;
+you sell 'em too dear. I can get lots on 'm five or six for a cent
+anywhere else."
+
+
+EDITORIAL TRIBULATIONS.--145.
+
+The editor of the _American Mechanic_ has encountered trials unknown
+to ordinary men. Just hearken unto his wailings:--"Owing to the
+fact that our paper-maker disappointed us, the failure of the mails
+deprived us of our exchanges, a Dutch pedlar stole our scissors, the
+rats ran off with the paste, and the devils went to the circus, while
+the editor was at home tending the baby, our paper is unavoidably
+postponed beyond the period of its publication."
+
+
+SAMBO AND CUFFEE.--146.
+
+Varnum S. Mills, of this city, tells a story illustrative of the
+simplicity of Virginia niggers. He was visiting a friend in the Old
+Dominion, who owns many slaves, among whom were two, named Sambo and
+Cuffee, who seemed to be mortal enemies. Sambo was a favourite with
+the master, who one day said to him: "Sambo, you have always been a
+good nigger, and when you die you shall have a funeral. My family will
+all attend, and all the niggers shall be present, and Cuffee shall
+be a pall-bearer." The darkey looked his master in the face with the
+simplicity of a soft clam when dug out of the mud at low tide, and
+indignantly responded: "Massa, if Cuffee comes to de funeril, I won't
+go to the grabe." It apparently did not occur to Sambo that he should
+be "conveyed" thither.
+
+
+AN ODE ON GAS.--147.
+
+A country town having been recently lighted with gas, the local editor
+electrifies the community with an ode:
+
+             "Luminous blaze!
+     I never seen the like in all my born days!
+         Tallow candles ain't no mor'n tar
+           When you're about;
+         And spirit lamps is no whar,
+           Bein clean dun out.
+
+             "Sparkling lite!
+     I think I never seen anything half so brite;
+         Everything is amazing clear;
+           The hidjus glume
+         Is defunct; and every cheer
+           Is apparient in the rume!
+
+             "Gloryous halo!
+     Your skintelashuns make a surprising display;
+         You don't need no snuffers,
+           But you are just scrude out;
+         When you are squenched by puffers,
+           Ojus fumes aryse.
+
+             "Brillyant flame!
+     The nites was next to darkness when you came;
+         But candles has vanisht
+           Before you, and lard oil gone to grass;
+         Every greasy nuisance has been banisht--
+           Hurraw for Gass!"
+
+
+CURIOSITIES OF AMERICAN SPEECH.--148.
+
+In a book on Americanisms, published last year, a Baltimore young
+lady is represented as jumping up from her seat, on being asked to
+dance, and saying, "Yes, sirree: for I have sot, and sot, and sot,
+till I've nigh tuk root!" I cannot say I have heard anything quite
+equal to this; but I very well remember that at a party given on
+board one of the ships at Esquimault, a young lady declined to dance
+a "fancy" dance upon the plea, "I'd rather not, sir. I guess I'm not
+_fixed up_ for waltzing;" an expression the peculiar meaning of which
+must be left to readers of her own sex to decide. An English young
+lady who was staying at one of the houses at Mare Island when we were
+there, happened one evening, when we were visiting her friends, to
+be confined to her room with a headache. Upon our arrival, the young
+daughter of our host--a girl of bout twelve--went up to her to try to
+persuade her to come down. "Well," she said, "I'm _real_ sorry you're
+so poorly. You'd better come, for there are some almighty swells down
+there!" A lady speaking of the same person, said, "Her hair, sir, took
+my fancy right away!" Again, several of us were one day talking to a
+tall, slight young lady about the then new-fashioned crinoline which
+she was wearing. After a little banter, she said, "I guess, captain,
+if you were to take my hoops off you might draw me through the eye of
+a needle!" Perhaps one of the most whimsical of these curiosities of
+expression, combining freedom of manner with that of speech, was made
+use of to Captain Richards by a master-caulker. He had been vainly
+endeavouring to persuade the captain that the ship required caulking;
+and at last he said in disgust, "You may be liberal as a private
+citizen, captain, but you're mean to an almighty pump-tack!"--in his
+official capacity of course. Again, an American gentleman on board
+of one of our mail-packets was trying to recall to the recollection
+of the mail-agent a lady who had been fellow-passenger with them on
+a former occasion. "She sat opposite you at table all the voyage,"
+he said. "Oh, I think I remember her; she ate a great deal, did she
+not?" "Eat, sir!" was the reply; "she was a perfect gastronomic
+fillibuster!" One more example and I have done with a subject upon
+which I might enlarge for pages. The boys at the school at Victoria
+were being examined in Scripture, and the question was asked, "In what
+way did Hiram assist Solomon in the building of the temple?" It passed
+two or three boys, when at last one sharp little fellow triumphantly
+exclaimed, "Please, sir, he _donated_ him the lumber."
+
+
+VERY LIKELY.--149.
+
+"From Camden to Bletchly, a distance of forty miles I travelled along
+with Mrs. Greaves. She was a sweet and interesting woman--so sweet
+and interesting that, fastidious as I am on the subject, I believe I
+would have been willing to have kissed her. I had, however, several
+reasons for not perpetrating this act. First, I am such a good husband
+I wouldn't even be guilty of the appearance of disloyalty to my sweet
+wife. Second, I was afraid our fellow-passengers would see me and tell
+Greaves. Third, I do not think Mrs. G. would let me."
+
+
+CURIOUS EVENT.--150.
+
+A diffident Hartford bachelor went to the sea-shore in August to seek
+refuge from the loneliness of his celibacy, and one dark evening,
+enjoying the breeze on the piazza of his hotel, happened to take a
+seat that had just been vacated by the husband of a loving wife,
+with whom the happy man had been chatting. In a few moments the lady
+returned, and, mistaking the stranger for her husband, lovingly
+encircled his neck and gave him an affectionate kiss, with the remark,
+"Come, darling, is it not about time to retire?" He did not faint, but
+the shock was very severe.
+
+
+HOT PIES.--151.
+
+One freezing February morning a negro hawked mutton pies in a basket
+around Faneuil Hall Square, roaring out, "Hot mutton pies!" "Hot
+mutton pies!" A teamster bought and tried to bite one, but found it
+frozen as solid as the curb-stone. "What do you call them hot for, you
+black and blue swindler?" yelled the teamster to the shivering pieman.
+"Wy, wy, a white man guv 'em to me hot dis mornin'. Dey was hot wen
+I got 'em dis mornin'!" "Well, you fool, it didn't take ten minutes
+to freeze them in that old basket. Why call them hot now?" "Wy, bless
+you, dats de name ob 'em--de name ob 'em! If I didn't holler de right
+name nobody would tetch 'em. You want me to holler froze pies, I
+suppose! No, sa; you can't fool me dat way!"
+
+
+A MIGHTY THICK FOG.--152.
+
+A rather loquacious individual was endeavouring to draw an old man
+into conversation, but hitherto without much success, the old fellow
+having sufficient discernment to see that his object was to make
+a little sport for the passengers at his expense. At length says
+loquacious individual: "I suppose you consider Down East a right smart
+place; but I guess it would puzzle them to get up quite so thick a fog
+as we are having here this morning, wouldn't it?" "Well," said the
+old man, "I don't know about that. I hired one of your Massachusetts
+chaps to work for me last summer, and one rather foggy mornin' I sent
+him down to the meadow to lay a few courses of shingle on a new barn
+I was finishin' off. At dinner-time the fellow came up, and, sez he,
+'That's an almighty long barn of yourn.' Sez I, 'Not very long.'
+'Well,' sez he, 'I've been to work all this forenoon, and haven't got
+one course laid yet.' 'Well,' sez I, 'you're a lazy fellow, that's all
+I've got to say.' And so after dinner I went down to see what he'd
+been about, and I'll be thundered ef he hadn't shingled more than a
+hundred foot _right out on to the fog_."
+
+
+WHISKERS AND KISSES.--153.
+
+The editress of the _Lancaster Literary Gazette_ says she would as
+soon nestle her nose in a rat's nest of swingle tow as allow a man
+with whiskers on to kiss her. We (_Petersburg Express_) don't believe
+a word of it. The objections which some ladies pretend to have to
+whiskers all arise from envy. They don't have any. They would if they
+could; but the fact is, the continual motion of the lower jaw is fatal
+to their growth. The ladies--God bless them!--adopt our fashion as
+far as they can. Look at the depredations they have committed on our
+wardrobes the last few years. They have appropriated our shirt-bosoms,
+gold studs and all. They have encircled their soft bewitching necks
+in our standing collars and cravats--driving them to flatties and
+turn-downs. Their innocent little hearts have been palpitating in the
+inside of our waistcoats, instead of thumping against the outside,
+as naturally intended. They have thrust their pretty feet and ankles
+through our unmentionables, unwhisperables, unthinkaboutables; and
+they are skipping along the streets in our high-heeled boots. Do you
+hear, gentlemen?--we say boots!
+
+
+LITTLES.--154.
+
+Everything is beautiful when it is little (except souls!)--little
+pigs, little lambs, little birds, little kittens, little children.
+Little Martin boxes of houses are generally the most happy and cozy;
+little villages are nearer to being atoms of a shattered paradise
+than anything we know of. Little fortunes bring the most content, and
+little hopes the least disappointment. Little words are the sweetest
+to hear, and little charities fly furthest and stay the longest on
+the wing. Little lakes are the stillest, little hearts the fullest,
+and little farms the best tilled. Little books the most read, and
+little songs the best loved. And when Nature would make anything
+especially rare and beautiful, she makes it little--little pearls,
+little diamonds, little dews. Agar's is a model prayer, but then it
+is a little prayer, and the burden of the petition is for little.
+The Sermon on the Mount is little, but the last dedication discourse
+was two hours. The Roman said, "_Veni, vidi, vici_"--I came, saw,
+conquered; but despatches now-a-days are longer than the battles they
+tell of. Everybody calls that little which they love best upon earth.
+We once heard a good sort of a man speak of his little wife, and we
+fancied she must be a perfect _bijou_ of a woman. We saw her; she
+weighed two hundred and ten; we were surprised. But then it was no
+joke--the man meant it. He could put his wife in his heart, and have
+room for other things besides; and what was she but precious, and what
+could she be but little? We rather doubt the stories of great argosies
+of gold we sometimes hear of, for Nature deals in littles altogether.
+Life is made up of littles, death is what remains of them all. Day
+is made up of little beams, and night is glorious with little stars.
+_Multum in parvo_--much in little--is the great beauty of all that we
+love best, hope for most, and remember longest.
+
+
+SPEAKING HIS DEEP EMOTIONS.--155.
+
+"My dear Ellen," said Mr. Softfellow to a young lady whose smiles
+he was seeking, "I have long wished for this sweet opportunity, but
+I hardly dare trust myself now to speak the deep emotions of my
+palpitating heart; but I declare to you, my dearest Ellen, that I love
+you most tenderly; your smiles would shed--would shed----" "Never mind
+the wood-shed," said Ellen, "go on with that pretty talk."
+
+
+SPIRITUALISM EXTRAORDINARY.--156.
+
+An enthusiastic spiritualist, when relating to a sceptic certain
+spiritual performances to which he could testify, said that on one
+occasion the spirit of his wife, who had been dead several years,
+returned to him, and, seating herself on his knee, put her arms around
+him and kissed him, much to his gratification, as she used to do when
+living. "You do not mean to say," remarked the sceptic, "that the
+spirit of your wife really embraced you and kissed you?" "No, not
+exactly that," replied the believer; "but her spirit took possession
+of the female medium--the future Mrs. B---- that is to be, you
+know--and through her embraced and kissed me."
+
+
+MILWAUKEE ELOQUENCE.--157.
+
+Western eloquence continues to improve. A Wisconsin reporter sends the
+following sketch. A lawyer in Milwaukee was defending a handsome young
+woman accused of stealing from a large unoccupied dwelling in the
+night-time, and thus he spake in conclusion:--"Gentlemen of the jury,
+I am done. When I gaze with enraptured eyes on the matchless beauty
+of this peerless virgin, on whose resplendent charms suspicion never
+dared to breathe; when I behold her radiant in this glorious bloom
+of lustrous loveliness, which angelic sweetness might envy but could
+not eclipse--before which the star on the brow of Night grows pale,
+and the diamonds of Brazil are dim--and then reflect upon the utter
+madness and folly of supposing that so much beauty would expose itself
+to the terrors of an empty building in the cold, damp, dead of night,
+when innocence like hers is hiding itself amidst the snowy pillows of
+repose; gentlemen of the jury, my feelings are too overpowering for
+expression, and I throw her into your arms for protection against this
+foul charge, which the outrageous malice of a disappointed scoundrel
+has invented, to blast the fair name of this lovely maiden, whose
+smile shall be the reward of the verdict which I know you will give."
+
+
+HEAVY TOP-DRESSING.--158.
+
+"It's all very pretty talk," said a recently married old bachelor, who
+had just finished reading an essay on the "Culture of Women," just as
+a heavy milliner's bill was presented to him--"it's all very pretty,
+this cultivation of women; but such a charge as this for bonnets is
+rather a heavy top-dressing--in my judgment."
+
+
+HAIRS, NOT BRISTLES.--159.
+
+"I am willing to split hairs with my opponent all day if he insists
+on it," said a very distinguished American lawyer the other day, in a
+speech at the bar. "Split _that_ then," said the opponent, pulling a
+coarse specimen from his own head, and extending it. "May it please
+the court, I didn't say _bristles_!"
+
+
+ANTEDILUVIAN DIET.--160.
+
+A friend thinks the antediluvian life must have been a great contrast
+to ours, and pictures it thus:--"Only fancy having two dried whales
+hanging in your larder, and a cold mammoth 'cut and come again' on the
+sideboard. 'Shall I help you to a bit of Icthoyaturns?' 'Thank you, I
+should prefer a slice of your Mastadon.' Stewed Plesiosauri! Leviathan
+_à la crapoderie_! Imagine a bill, not at twelve months, but at two
+hundred years; and a fellow who carried off your plate-box getting
+sent to the treadmill for fourscore summers! Consider an elderly
+gentleman, with a liver complaint of only one hundred years' standing,
+wearing out four sets of false teeth, and finally carried off, after
+a brief illness of three hundred and ten years, in a galloping
+consumption!"
+
+
+JIMMY O'NEIL AND PRESIDENT JACKSON.--161.
+
+When Jackson was President, Jimmy O'Neil, the porter, was a
+marked character. He had his foibles, which were offensive to the
+fastidiousness of Colonel Donelson, and caused his dismissal on an
+average of about once a week. But on appeal to the higher court,
+the verdict was invariably reversed by the good nature of the old
+general. Once, however, Jimmy was guilty of some flagrant offence,
+and was summoned before the highest tribunal at once. The general,
+after stating the details of the misdeed, observed, "Jimmy, I have
+borne with you for years, in spite of all complaints; but in this act
+you have gone beyond my powers of endurance." "And do you believe
+the story?" asked Jimmy. "Certainly," answered the general: "I have
+just heard it from two senators." "Faith," retorted Jimmy, "if I
+believe all that twenty senators say about you it's little I'd think
+you are fit to be President." "Pshaw! Jimmy," concluded the general;
+"clear out and go on duty, but be more careful hereafter." Jimmy
+remained with his kind-hearted patron not only to the close of his
+presidential term, but, accompanying him to the Hermitage, was with
+him to the day of his death.
+
+
+THE ORIGIN OF "SOME PUNKIN."--162.
+
+An old lady was engaged in making pumpkin pies; she had got the
+pumpkin all prepared, when by an untoward accident the table was
+overturned, and the pumpkin went on to the floor. The table in
+overturning overset the slop-pail, and the slops went on the floor
+too. The old lady being of a saving disposition, concluded to save
+the pumpkin and clean up also; so she takes up one handful, looks
+at it--"That's punkin"--puts it into the pumpkin-dish; takes up
+another--"That's slops"--puts it into the slop-pail. So she goes on
+picking up alternately pumpkin and slops, till finally she gets a
+handful mixed. She looks at it, and says, "That is _some punkin_, but
+mostly slops!" and hence the phrase.
+
+
+ARTEMUS WARD ON THE NEGRO.--163.
+
+Feller Sittersuns,--The African may be our brother. Severil hily
+rispectable gentlemen and some talented females tell us so, and for
+argyment sake i might be injooced to grant it, tho' I don't beleeve
+it myself. But the African isn't our sister, and wife, and unkle. He
+isn't severil of our brothers and fust wife's relashuns. He isn't
+our grandfather and grate grandfather, and our aunt in the country.
+Scarcely: And yet numeris persons would have us think. It's troo he
+runs Congress and severil others grossery's, but he ain't everybody.
+But we've got the African, or ruther he's got us, and how are we
+going to do about it? He's a orful noosance. P'raps he isn't to blame
+for it. P'raps he was created for some wise purpis, like the measles
+and New England rum, but it's mity hard to see it. At any rate here,
+and as I stated to Mr. What-is-it, it's a pity he coodent go off
+somewheres quietly by hisself, where he cood wear red weskits and
+speckled necties, and gratefy his ambition in varis interestin wayse,
+without havin a eternal fuss up about him. P'raps I'm bearing down too
+hard on Cuffy.
+
+
+A QUAKER'S EXCUSE FOR FIRING.--164.
+
+A good story is told of a Quaker volunteer, who was in a Virginia
+skirmish. Coming in pretty close quarters with a Secessionist, he
+remarked: "Friend, 'tis very unfortunate, but thee standest just where
+I am going to shoot;" and, blazing away, down came his man.
+
+
+BROTHER OF FOUR MILLION CHILDREN.--165.
+
+A Kansas woman, named Million, was lately married, and by her marriage
+the bride becomes sister to her father and mother and aunt to her
+brothers and sisters. The groom becomes son of a younger brother, his
+sister-in-law becomes his mother, and he becomes the brother of four
+"Million" children. What relation were said parties previous to their
+marriage?
+
+
+SUSPECTING THE SHELL.--166.
+
+When the mine dug under Fort Hill, at Vicksburg, by General Logan,
+exploded, June 26th, a large number of rebels were killed and wounded.
+Among others who were blown high above the works was an American
+citizen of African descent, who fell on his head on the outside of the
+rebel fort, and to the astonishment of our soldiers was not killed.
+As some of the men ran towards the darkey, of course carrying their
+arms, he rose to his feet, and shouted, "For de Lord's sake, sogers,
+don't shoot dis nigger. I wasn't doin' no fighting; I was only totin'
+up grub." When asked how high he had been, he replied, "Two or dree
+mile, I reckon;" and on being asked how he came within our lines said,
+"Dunno, massa; shell, I spec."
+
+
+A SMART RAILWAY EMPLOYÉ.--167.
+
+A railroad _employé_, whose home is in Avon, came on Saturday night
+to ask for a pass down to visit his family. "You are in employ of
+the railroad?" asked the gentleman applied to. "Yes." "You receive
+your pay regularly?" "Yes." "Well, now suppose you were working for a
+farmer instead of a railroad, would you expect your employer to hitch
+up his team every Saturday night, and carry you home?" This seemed a
+poser, but it wasn't. "No," said the man, promptly, "I wouldn't expect
+that; but if the farmer had his team hitched up, and was going my way,
+I should call him a darned mean cuss if he would not let me ride."
+Mr. _Employé_ came out three minutes afterwards with a pass good for
+twelve months.
+
+
+THE LATE FLOYD.--168.
+
+A gifted poet has perpetrated the following epitaph on the late
+Floyd:--
+
+     "Floyd has died and few have sobb'd,
+     Since, had he lived, all had been robb'd;
+     He's paid Dame Nature's debt, 'tis said--
+     The only one he ever paid.
+     Some doubt that he resign'd his breath;
+     But vow that he has cheated even death.
+     If he is buried, oh! then, ye dead beware;
+     Look to your swaddlings, of your shrouds take care.
+     Lest Floyd should to your coffins make his way,
+     And steal the linen from your mould'ring clay."
+
+
+A VEGETABLE HEAD.--169.
+
+The late Judge Peters has left behind him a host of well-remembered
+puns worth relating. When on the District Court Bench, he observed to
+Judge Washington that one of the witnesses had a _vegetable_ head.
+"How so?" was the inquiry. "He has _carroty_ hair, _reddish_ cheeks, a
+_turn-up_ nose, and a _sage_ look."
+
+
+OBJECTING TO MISSIONS.--170.
+
+A wag was lately asked to contribute to foreign missions. "Not on any
+account," said he. "Why not?" asked the collector, "the object is
+laudable." "No, it isn't," was the reply; "not half so many people go
+to the devil now as ought to."
+
+
+HIS FIRST STEP.--171.
+
+We extract the following from a popular story. It narrates the early
+experience of a bashful boy:--"Well, my sister Lib gave a party one
+night, and I stayed away from home because I was too bashful to face
+the music. I hung around the house, whistling 'Old Dan Tucker,'
+dancing to keep my feet warm, watching heads bobbing up and down
+behind the window-curtains, and wishing the thundering party would
+break up so I could get to my room. I smoked up a bunch of cigars, and
+as it was getting late and mighty uncomfortable, I concluded to climb
+up the door-post. No sooner said than done, and I found myself snug
+in bed. 'Now,' says I, 'let her rip! Dance till your wind is out!'
+And, cuddled under the quilts, Morpheus grabbed me. I was dreaming
+of soft-shelled crabs and stewed tripe, and having a good time, when
+somebody knocked at my room-door and woke me up. 'Rap,' again. I laid
+low. 'Rap, rap, rap!' Then I heard a whispering, and I knew there was
+a whole raft of girls outside. 'Rap, rap!' Then Lib sings out, 'Jack,
+are you in there?' 'Yes,' says I; and then came a roar of laughter.
+'Let us in,' says she. 'I won't,' says I. Then came another laugh. By
+thunder, I began to get riled! 'Get out, you petticoated scarecrows!'
+I cried; 'can't you get a beau without hauling a fellow out of bed? I
+won't go home with you--I won't--so you may clear out!' And sending a
+boot at the door, I felt better. But presently--O mortal buttons!--I
+heard a still small voice, very like sister Lib's, and it said, 'Jack,
+you'll have to get up, for all the girls' things are in there!' Oh
+dear, what a pickle! Think of me in bed, all covered with shawls,
+muffs, bonnets, and cloaks, and twenty girls outside waiting to get
+in. As it was, I rolled out among the ribbons in a hurry. Smash went
+the millinery in every direction. I had to dress in the dark, and the
+way I fumbled about was death on straw hats. The critical moment at
+last came. I opened the door, and found myself right among the women!
+'Oh, my Leghorn!' cries one. 'My dear winter velvet!' cries another.
+And they pinched in--they piled me this way and that--boxed my ears;
+and one little bright-eyed piece--Sal ----, her name was--put her
+arms right round my neck and kissed me right on my lips! Human nature
+couldn't stand that, and I gave her as good as she sent. It was the
+first time I had ever got a taste, and it was powerful good. I believe
+I could have kissed that gal from Julius Cæsar to the Fourth of July.
+'Jack,' said she, 'we are sorry to disturb you, but won't you see me
+home?' 'Yes,' says I, 'I will.' I did do it, and had another smack at
+the gate, too. After that we took a kinder turtle-doving after each
+other, both of us sighing like a barrel of new cider when we were away
+from each other."
+
+
+HIS WIFE'S COUSIN.--172.
+
+A country gentleman lately arrived at Boston, and immediately repaired
+to the house of a relative, a lady who had married a merchant. The
+parties were glad to see him, and invited him to make their house his
+home, as he declared his intention of remaining in the city only a
+day or two. The husband of the lady, anxious to show his attention
+to a relative and friend of his wife, took the gentleman's horse
+to a livery stable in Hanover Street. Finally his visit became a
+visitation, and the merchant found, after the lapse of eleven days,
+besides lodging and boarding the gentleman, a pretty considerable
+bill had run up at the livery stable. Accordingly he went to the man
+who kept the livery stable, and told him when the gentleman took his
+horse he would pay the bill. "Very well," said the stable-keeper, "I
+understand you." Accordingly, in a short time the country gentleman
+went to the stable and ordered his horse to be got ready. The bill, of
+course, was presented to him. "Oh," said the gentleman, "Mr. ----, my
+relative, will pay this." "Very good," said the stable-keeper, "please
+get an order from Mr. ----; it will be the same as money." The horse
+was put up again, and down went the country gentleman to Long Wharf,
+which the merchant kept. "Well," said he, "I am going now." "Are you?"
+said the gentleman. "Well, good-bye, sir." "Well, about my horse; the
+man said the bill must be paid for his keeping." "Well, I suppose that
+is all right, sir." "Yes--well, but you know I'm your wife's cousin."
+"Yes," said the merchant, "I know you are, but your horse is not."
+
+
+YANKEE TOASTS.--173.
+
+The following toasts were given at a recent dinner of New Jersey
+Democrats:--"Blessed are the peacemakers." "The last man and the last
+dollar--May the one be an Abolitionist, and the other a shin-plaster,
+and may they both perish in the last ditch together." "State
+rights--May they not be forgotten in delirious and bloody triumph
+of State wrongs." "Things we remember--Habeas corpus and trial by
+jury." "To the first Governor who shall have the virtue and courage
+to keep his oath of office, and defend the constitution, laws, and
+sovereignty of his State, and the rights of its citizens." "The light
+of other days, when Liberty wore a white face, and America was not a
+negro." "The Democratic party, as it was, before cowardice, treachery,
+shoddy, and greenbacks had demoralized its councils." "The abolition
+war for disunion--Let those who think it is right go to it, and those
+who think it is wrong stay at home." "May those who say we shall
+never have the Union as it was follow the example of their brother
+traitor, Judas Iscariot, who died and went to his own place." "The
+war Democrat--A white man's face on the body of a negro." "The only
+possible remedy for secession and the only hope of the Union--Peace,
+mutual concession, and compromise."
+
+
+A BIG PUFF.--174.
+
+A model certificate is the following:--"Dear doctor,--I will be one
+hundred and seventy-five years old next October. For over eighty-four
+years I have been an invalid, unable to step except when moved by a
+lever. But a year ago I heard of the Granicular Syrup. I bought a
+bottle, smelt the cork, and found myself a man. I can now run twelve
+miles and a half an hour, and throw nineteen summersaults without
+stopping."
+
+
+VERY ODD THAT.--175.
+
+A conversation took place during dinner at head-quarters at ----. A
+number of officers being present, the conversation turned upon the
+condition and efficiency of their different regiments. Colonel ----, of
+the New York ----, stated that nine different nations were represented
+in his regiment; and, after going over Irish, German, French, English,
+&c., several times, could enumerate but eight. He said he was certain
+there were nine, but what the ninth was he could not remember.
+Lieutenant ----, who was present, suggested "Americans." "By Jove!"
+says the colonel, "that's it--Americans."
+
+
+HOW ALE STRENGTHENED HIM.--176.
+
+A student of an American State College had a barrel of ale deposited
+in his room--contrary, of course, to the rule and usage. He received a
+summons to appear before the president, who said: "Sir, I am informed
+that you have a barrel of ale in your room." "Yes, sir." "Well,
+what explanation can you make?" "Why, the fact is, sir, my physician
+advises me to try a little each day as a tonic; and, not wishing to
+stop at the various places where the beverage is retailed, I concluded
+to have a barrel taken to my room." "Indeed! and have you derived any
+benefit from the use of it?" "Ah! yes, sir. When the barrel was first
+taken to my room I could scarcely lift it; now I can carry it with the
+greatest ease."
+
+
+LUMINOUS EVIDENCE.--177.
+
+"Johnson, you say Snow was de man dat robbed you?" "Yes." "Was it
+moonlight when it took place?" "No, siree." "Was it starlight?" "I,
+golly! no; it was so dark you couldn't see your hand afore your face."
+"Well, was there any light shining from any house near by?" "Why,
+no; there wasn't a house within a mile of us." "Well, then, if there
+was no moon, no starlight, no light from any house, and so dark you
+couldn't even see your hand before your face, how are you so positive
+that Mr. Snow was the man, and how did you see him?" "Why, Cuff, you
+see, when the nigger struck me, de fire flew out ob my eyes so bright,
+that you might see to pick up a pin."
+
+
+SCIPIO'S WIFE.--178.
+
+Who was Scipio's wife? Missis-sippi-o, of course.
+
+
+THE DYING SOLDIER AND HIS MOTHER.--179.
+
+In one of the fierce engagements with the rebels near Mechanicsville,
+in May last, a young lieutenant of a Rhode Island battery had his
+right foot so shattered by a fragment of a shell that on reaching
+Washington he was obliged to undergo amputation of the leg. He
+telegraphed home, hundreds of miles away, that all was going well, and
+with a soldier's fortitude composed himself to bear his sufferings
+alone. Unknown to him, however, his mother, one of those dear reserves
+of the army, hastened up to join the main force. She reached the city
+at midnight, and the nurses would have kept her from him until the
+morning. One sat by his side fanning him as he slept, her hand on the
+feeble fluctuating pulsations which foreboded sad results. But what
+woman's heart could resist the pleadings of a mother then? In the
+darkness she was finally allowed to glide in and take the place at his
+side. She touched his pulse as the nurse had done, not a word had been
+spoken, but the sleeping boy opened his eyes and said, "That feels
+like my mother's hand; who is this beside me? It is my mother; turn up
+the gas and let me see mother!" The two dear faces met in one long,
+joyful, sobbing embrace, and the fondness pent up in each heart sobbed
+and panted and wept forth its expression.
+
+
+CANINE RESEMBLANCE.--180.
+
+A Boston paper says their townsman, Abel Sniggs, has a dog so closely
+resembling one belonging to Tom Clegg, that it often happens that
+Clegg's dog takes himself into Sniggs's house, and does not discover
+his mistake until informed by the _cat_.
+
+
+MARRIAGE AND SINGLE BLESSEDNESS.--181.
+
+We subjoin a curious specimen of verse, which is both ingenious
+and witty, and admits of being read in two ways. To suit the taste
+and inclinations of the married, or those who propose marriage, we
+transcribe it as follows; but to convey a directly opposite sentiment,
+for the benefit of the singly blessed, it will be necessary to
+alternate the lines, reading the first and third, then the second and
+fourth:--
+
+     "That man must lead a happy life
+     Who is directed by a wife;
+     Who's freed from matrimonial claims
+     Is sure to suffer for his pains.
+
+     "Adam could find no solid peace
+     Till he beheld a woman's face;
+     When Eve was given him for a mate,
+     Adam was in a happy state.
+
+     "In all the female race appear
+     Truth, darling of a heart sincere,
+     Hypocrisy, deceit, and pride,
+     In woman never did reside.
+
+     "What tongue is able to unfold
+     The worth in woman we behold?
+     The failings that in woman dwell
+     Are almost imperceptible.
+
+     "Confusion take the men, I say,
+     Who no regard to women pay.
+     Who make the women their delight
+     Keep always reason in their sight."
+
+
+A "FOREST-BORN" ORATOR.--182.
+
+Rev. G. D. ----, of Fayetteville, Ark., one of the genuine
+"forest-born" orators, preaching not long since on "the glory of the
+saints," delivered the following burst of native eloquence, which is
+too good to be lost:--"Who, my bretherin, can describe the glory of
+the saints? Why, nothing on earth can liken it. Ef you drill a hole in
+the sun and put it on your head for a crown, and split the moon, and
+put it on your shoulders for epaulettes--if you tear down the starry
+curtain of the skies and wrap it round your body for a robe, and ride
+to Heaven on the lightning wings of the tempest--this will be as
+nothing compared to the glory of the saints."
+
+
+HEN PERSUADERS.--183.
+
+The _Springfield Republican_ speaks of a new invention for a hen's
+nest, whereby the eggs drop through a trap-door, and so deceives the
+hen that she keeps on laying until she has laid herself all away.
+
+POPPING THE QUESTION.--184.
+
+One evening as I was a-sittin' by my Hetty, and had worked myself
+up to the stickin' pint, sez I, "Hetty, if a fellar was to ask you
+to marry him, what wud you say?" Then she laughed, and sez she,
+"That would depend on who asked me." Then sez I, "Suppose it was Ned
+Willis?" Sez she, "I'd tell Ned Willis, but not you." That kinder
+staggered me; but I was too cute to lose the opportunity, and so sez
+I again, "Suppose it was me?" And then you orter see her pout up her
+lip, and says she, "I don't take no supposes." Wall, now, you see
+there was nothin' for me to do but touch the gun off. So bang it went.
+Sez I, "Wall, Hetty, it's me; won't you say yes?" And then there was
+such a hulloballoo in my head, I don't know exactly what tuk place,
+but I thought I heerd a 'yes' whisperin' somewhere out of the skirmish.
+
+
+NEGRO SERMON.--185.
+
+"There are," said a sable orator, addressing his brethren, "two
+roads tro dis world--the one am broad and narrow road, that leads
+to perdition; and the oder a narrow and a broad road, that leads to
+destruction." "What i' dat?" said one hearer. "Say it again." "I say,
+my brethren, there are two roads tro dis world--the one am a broad
+and narrow road, that leads to perdition; the oder a narrow and broad
+road, that leads to destruction." "If dat am the case," said his sable
+questioner, "dis elluded individual takes to de woods."
+
+
+GRANDPA'S SPECTACLES.--186.
+
+"There now," cried a little girl, while rummaging a drawer in a
+bureau; "there now, grandpa has gone to Heaven without his spectacles.
+What will he do?" And shortly afterward, when another aged relative
+was supposed to be sick unto death in the house, she came running to
+his bedside, with the glasses in her hand, and an errand on her lips:
+"You goin' to die?" "They tell me so." "Goin' to Heaven?" "I hope so."
+"Well, here are grandpa's spectacles--won't you take them to him?"
+
+
+TREMENDOUS GALE.--187.
+
+We like to hear people tell good stories while they are about it.
+Read the following from a Western paper:--"In the late gale, birds
+were seen hopping about with all their feathers blown off." We have
+heard of gales at sea where it required four men to hold the captain's
+whiskers on!
+
+
+A WITTY SENTINEL.--188.
+
+A lieutenant of the 10th United States Infantry recently met with a
+sad rebuff at Fort Kearney. The lieutenant was promenading in full
+uniform one day, and approached a volunteer on sentry, who challenged
+him with "Halt! who comes there?" The lieutenant, with contempt in
+every lineament of his face, expressed his feeling with an indignant
+"Ass!" The sentry's reply, apt and quick, came: "Advance, Ass, and
+give the countersign."
+
+
+A CAUTIOUS WITNESS.--189.
+
+A witness in a certain court, not a thousand miles from Rappahannock,
+on being interrogated as to whether the defendant in a certain case
+was drunk, replied: "Well, I can't say that I have seen him drunk
+exactly, but I once saw him sitting in the middle of the floor, making
+grabs in the air, and saying that he'd be dogoned if he don't catch
+the bed the next time it ran around him!" This story reminds us of a
+cautious witness in an assault case in Baltimore, who testified that
+he did not see the prisoner strike the man, but he saw him take away
+his hand very quick, and the man fell!
+
+
+A POETICAL EDITOR.--190.
+
+The editor of an American paper has taken to writing poetry, as the
+following will show:--"Brethren,--Is there a man with soul so dead,
+who never to himself hath said: I will my country paper take, both for
+mine own and family's sake? If such there be, let him repent, and have
+the paper to him sent; and, if he'd pass a happy winter, he in advance
+should pay the printer."
+
+
+NO PATIENTS LIVING.--191.
+
+A jolly fellow had an office next door to a doctor's shop. One day a
+gentleman of the old fogey school blundered into the wrong shop. "Is
+the doctor in?" "Don't live here," said the lawyer, who was in full
+scribble over some old documents. "Oh! I thought this was his office?"
+"Next door." "Pray, sir, can you tell me if he has many patients?"
+"Not living." The old gentleman told the story in the vicinity, and
+the doctor threatened the lawyer with a libel suit.
+
+
+CRIMINAL DIDN'T SEE IT.--192.
+
+A criminal being asked, in the usual form, why judgment of death
+should not be passed against him, answered: "Why, I think there has
+been quite enough said about it already. If you please, we'll drop the
+subject."
+
+
+A RETURNED SOLDIER'S LETTER TO HIS NURSE.--193.
+
+"Dear Miss T----, I set down to tell you that I've arove hum, an wish
+I was sum whar else. I've got 3 bully boys an they are helpin me about
+getting the garden sass into the groun but they haint got no mother an
+I've a house and a kow and I thort youd be kinder handy to take care
+of um if youd stoop so much. Ive thort of you ever sense I com from
+the hospittle and how kinder jimmy you used to walk up an down them
+wards. You had the best gate I ever see an my 1st wife stepped off jes
+so an she paid her way I tell you. I like to work and the boys likes
+to work an I kno you do an so Ide like to jine if youv no objections
+an now Ive made so bold to rite sich but I was kinder pushed on by my
+feelins an so I hope youl excuse it an rite soon. I shant be mad If
+you say no but its no harm to ask an as I sa I cant help ritin an the
+boys names are Zeberlon Shadrac an peter they want to see you as dos
+your respecful friend which oes his present health to you.--JOSEPH
+C----."
+
+
+SUPERFLUOUS TESTIMONIAL.--194.
+
+Prentice, of the _Louisville Journal_, notices the presentation of a
+silver cup to a brother editor thus: "He needs no cup. He can drink
+from any vessel that contains liquor, whether the neck of a bottle,
+the mouth of a pickle-jar, the spill of a keg, or the bung of a
+barrel."
+
+
+HARD UP.--195.
+
+An officer, arrived at Chattanooga, inquired of a negro where he
+could find accommodations for his horse. "Don't know, sah, 'bout de
+'commodations. De fence rails is all gone, and dar ain't nothin' for
+'em to eat any more, only a few barn-doors, an' we want dem for the
+general's horses."
+
+
+PRESIDENTIAL PUNS.--196.
+
+Mr. Lincoln, in his happier moments, is not always reminded of a
+"little story," but often indulges in a veritable joke. One of the
+latest reported is his remark when he found himself attacked by the
+varioloid. He had been recently very much worried by people asking
+favours. "Well," said he, when the contagious disease was coming upon
+him, "I've got something now that I can give to everybody." About
+the time when there was considerable grumbling as to the delay in
+forwarding to the troops the money due to them, a western paymaster,
+in full major's attire, was one day introduced at a public reception.
+"Being here, Mr. Lincoln," said he, "I thought I'd call and pay my
+respects." "From the complaints of the soldiers," responded the
+President, "I guess that's about all any of you do pay." The President
+is rather vain of his height, but one day a young man called on him
+who was certainly three inches taller than the former; he was like the
+mathematical definition of the straight line--length without breadth.
+"Really," said Mr. Lincoln, "I must look up to you; if you ever get in
+a deep place you ought to be able to wade out." That reminds us of the
+story told of Mr. Lincoln somewhere, when a crowd called him out. He
+came out on the balcony with his wife (somewhat below medium height),
+and made the following "brief remarks:"--"Here I am, and here is Mrs.
+Lincoln. That's the long and short of it."
+
+
+OPENNESS OF COUNTENANCE.--197.
+
+"Well, how do you like the looks of the varmint?" said a south-wester
+to a down-easter, who was gazing with round-eyed wonder, and evidently
+for the first time, at a huge alligator, with wide open jaws, on
+the muddy banks of the Mississippi. "Wal," replied the Yankee, "he
+ain't what yeow call a handsome critter, but he's got a great deal of
+openness when he smiles."
+
+
+HOLDING THE STAKES.--198.
+
+An individual at the races was staggering about the track, with more
+liquor than he could carry. "Hallo, what's the matter now?" said a
+chap whom the inebriated man had run against. "Why--hic--why, the fact
+is--hic--a lot of my friends have been betting liquor on the race
+to-day, and they have got me to hold the stakes."
+
+
+THE JUDGE AND HIS COACHMAN.--199.
+
+One day, when Mr. Bates was remonstrating with Mr. Lincoln against
+the appointment of some indifferent lawyer to a place of judicial
+importance, the President interposed with, "Come, now, Bates, he's not
+half so bad as you think. Besides that, I must tell you, he did me a
+good turn long ago. When I took to the law, I was going to court one
+morning, with some ten or twelve miles of bad road before me, and I
+had no horse. The judge overtook me in his waggon. 'Hello, Lincoln,
+are you not going to the court-house? Come in, and I'll give you a
+seat.' Well, I got in, and the judge went on reading his papers.
+Presently, the waggon struck a stump on one side of the road; then
+it hopped off to the other. I looked out, and I saw the driver was
+jerking from side to side in his seat; so, says I, 'Judge, I think
+your coachman has been taking a little drop too much this morning.'
+'Well, I declare, Lincoln,' said he, 'I should not much wonder if
+you are right, for he has nearly upset me half a dozen times since
+starting.' So, putting his head out of the window, he shouted, 'Why,
+you infernal scoundrel, you are drunk!' Upon which, pulling up his
+horses, and turning round with great gravity, the coachman said: 'By
+gorra! that's the first rightful decision you have given for the last
+twelvemonth.'"
+
+
+A STAGE-STRUCK HOOSIER.--200.
+
+An awkward-looking, stage-struck Hoosier went to see one of the
+New Orleans theatrical managers, some time since, and solicited an
+engagement. "What _rôle_ would you prefer, my friend?" asked the
+manager. "Wal, squire," said the would-be Western Roscius, "I ain't
+partial to rolls, nohow--corn-dodgers is my favourite."
+
+
+TAKING HIS PATIENT FOR A RIDE.--201.
+
+Dr. A----, thinking a little exercise and fresh air preferable to
+physic, had taken one of his patients to ride, and was seen by Dr.
+L----, who addressed Dr. A---- as follows: "Well, doctor, I saw you
+taking one of your patients to ride." "Exactly," said Dr. A----.
+"Well," said Dr. L----, "a thing I never do is to take my patients
+out to ride." "I know it," said Dr. A----; "the undertaker does it for
+you."
+
+
+A SOLDIER'S FAREWELL.--202.
+
+The following, written in pencil, was found on the body of a Union
+soldier. It commenced: "I, John Wilheimer, Second New York Cavalry.
+I am shot and dying. Whoever finds me, send this to Sarah Wilheimer,
+Brooklyn Post-office, New York. She is my sister, and only relative
+in the country. Oh! my poor sister, do not break your heart; but I
+am shot through the breast and dying, and they have gone and left me
+here." * * * What followed in this paragraph is obliterated by blood.
+The next sentence reads: "Write to Conrad Vitmare, of our company;
+he owes me fifty dollars, which he will pay you. Oh! my dear sister,
+farewell!"
+
+
+YANKEE BRASS.--203.
+
+The editor of the _Brooklyn Eagle_, when arrested for hoaxing the
+New York papers by a pretended proclamation of President Lincoln,
+addressed the following letter to the _Eagle_ from the walls of
+Lafayette:--"Dear _Eagle_,--In the language of the 'magnificent'
+Vestiali, 'I am here.' I think I shall stay here, at least till I get
+out. Perhaps you are surprised at my sudden departure; so was I. But
+I received a pressing invitation from General Dix to come down here,
+which I did not feel at liberty to decline, so I didn't. Bob Murray
+brought the invitation. Bob Murray is United States marshal, and he
+marshalled me the way I should go; so I thought it best to go it.
+Bob is a nice man; he has a very taking way with him; but I wouldn't
+recommend you to cultivate his acquaintance."
+
+
+NOT TO BE WONDERED AT.--204.
+
+Not long since, an elderly woman entered a railroad car at one of
+the Ohio stations, and disturbed the passengers a good deal with
+complaints about a "most dredful rheumatiz" that she was troubled
+with. A gentleman present, who had himself been a severe sufferer with
+the same complaint, said to her: "Did you ever try electricity, madam?
+I tried it, and in the course of a short time it completely cured
+me." "Electricity," exclaimed the old lady; "y-e-s, I've tried it to
+my satisfaction. _I was struck with lightning_ about a year ago, but
+it didn't do me a mossel o' good!"
+
+
+PETE'S EXPECTATIONS.--205.
+
+Pete, a comical son of the Emerald Isle, who carried wood and water,
+built fires, &c., for the "boys" at Hamilton College, is as good a
+specimen of the genuine Hibernian as ever toddled into a brogan.
+One of the students having occasion to reprove him one morning for
+delinquency, asked him where he expected to go when he died. "Expect
+to go to the hot place," said Pete, without wincing. "And what do
+you expect will be your portion there?" asked the Soph, solemnly.
+"Oh!" growled the old fellow, as he brushed his ear lazily with his
+coat-tail, "bring wood and water for the boys."
+
+
+LOOKING FOR A SITUATION UNDER GOVERNMENT.--206.
+
+Petroleum V. Naseby writes that he had an interview with the President
+lately, which terminated thus:--"'Is there any little thing I kin
+do for you?' sez he. 'Nothin' particklar. I woold accept a small
+post-orfis, if sitooatid within ezy range uv a distilry. My politikle
+dase is well nigh over. Let me but see the old party wunst moar in the
+ascendency; let these old ize wunst moar behold the constitooshun ez
+it iz, the Uneyun ez it wuz, and the nigger ware he ought 2 be, and I
+will rap the mantel of private life around me, and go in 2 dilirium
+tremens happy. I hev no ambishen. I am in the sear and yaller leef.
+These whitin' locks, them sunkin' cheeks, warn me that age and whiskey
+hev dun their puffek work, and that I shall soon go hents. Linkin,
+scorn not my words. I hev sed. Adoo.'"
+
+
+IN BLACK AND WHITE.--207.
+
+A white man not long since sued a black man in one of the courts of
+a Free State, and while the trial was before the judge the litigants
+came to an amicable settlement, and so the counsel stated to the
+court. "A verbal settlement will not answer," replied the judge; "it
+must be in writing." "Here is the agreement in black and white,"
+responded the counsel, pointing to the parties; "pray what does your
+honour want more than this?"
+
+
+A GUARDED ANSWER.--208.
+
+In one of our courts lately a man who was called upon to appear as
+a witness could not be found. On the judge asking where he was, an
+elderly gentleman rose up, and with much emphasis said, "Your honour,
+he's gone." "Gone! gone!" said the judge, "where is he gone?" "That I
+cannot inform you," replied the communicative gentleman, "but he is
+dead." This is considered the best guarded answer on record.
+
+
+QUEER QUERIES.--209.
+
+Is Death's door opened with a skeleton key? Would you say a lady
+dressed loud who was covered all over with bugles? Is there any
+truth in the report that the Arabs who live in the desert have sandy
+hair? In selling a Newfoundland dog do you know whether it is valued
+according to what it will fetch or what it will bring?
+
+
+DO YOU SMOKE?--210.
+
+A sharper, seeing a country gentlemen sitting alone at an inn, and
+thinking something might be made out of him, entered, and called for a
+paper of tobacco. "Dou you smoke, sir?" asked the sharper. "Yes," said
+the gentleman, very gravely; "any one that has a design upon me."
+
+
+A RAT STORY.--211.
+
+The _Greenfield Gazette_ is responsible for the following rat
+story:--"A family in South Deer field, Massachusetts, left some
+Indian meal on the bottom of an iron pan in which they had baked a
+johnny-cake the night previous, in the buttery, one of the recent cold
+nights, which the rats attempted to eat; but the frost on the iron
+froze their tongues to the pan so that they could not release them,
+and they were caught the next morning."
+
+
+SUBSTITUTING ONE TREAT FOR ANOTHER.--212.
+
+"Papa," said Mr. Brown's youngest son, the other day, "can't I go to
+the circus?" "No, my pet," affectionately replied Mr. B.; "if you
+are a good boy, I will take you to see your grandmother's grave this
+afternoon."
+
+
+HOTEL RULES AT THE "DIGGINS."--213.
+
+The proprietor of a Reese River Hotel (according to Hoyle,
+who has just returned) has posted up the following "Rules and
+Regulations":--Board must be paid in advance; with beans, 15 dols.;
+without beans, 12 dols. Salt free. Boarders not permitted to speak
+to the cook. No extras allowed. Potatoes for dinner. "Pocketing" at
+meals strictly forbidden. Gentlemen are expected to wash out of doors,
+and find their own water. No charges for ice. Towel bags at the end
+of the house. Extra charges for seats round the stove. Lodgers must
+furnish their own straw. Beds on bar-room floor reserved for regular
+customers. Persons sleeping in the bar are requested not to take off
+their boots. Lodgers inside arise at five a.m.; in the barn at six
+o'clock. Each man sweeps up his own bed. No quartz taken at the bar.
+No fighting allowed at the table. Any one violating the above rules
+will be shot.
+
+
+ODD NAMES.--214.
+
+What odd names some mortals are blessed with! We heard of a family
+in Michigan whose sons were named One Stickney, Two Stickney, Three
+Stickney; and whose daughters were named First Stickney, Second
+Stickney, and so on. Three elder children of a family in Vermont were
+named Joseph, And, Another; and it is supposed that, should they have
+any more, they might have named them Also, Moreover, Nevertheless,
+and Notwithstanding. Another family actually named their child Finis,
+supposing that it was their last; but they afterwards happened to
+have a daughter and two sons, whom they called Addenda, Appendix, and
+Supplement. A man in Pennsylvania called his second son James Also,
+and the third William Likewise.
+
+
+LEGAL ADVICE UNDER SINGULAR CIRCUMSTANCES.--215.
+
+A client, while bathing in the sea, saw his lawyer rise up, after
+a long dive, at his side. "Ho, there Mr. ----, have you taken out a
+warrant against Burt?" "He is in quod," replied the agent, and dived
+again, showing his heels as a parting view to his client; nor did the
+latter hear more of the interview with the shark until he got his
+account, containing the entry, "To consultation at sea, anent the
+incarceration of Burt, six shillings and eightpence."
+
+
+SHARP CHILD.--216.
+
+Recently the wife of one of the City fathers of New Bedford presented
+her husband with three children at a birth. The delighted father took
+his little daughter, four years of age, to see her new relations. She
+looked at the diminutive little beings a few moments, when, turning to
+her father, she inquired: "Pa, which one are you going to keep?"
+
+
+TAKING THE STARCH OUT.--217.
+
+"A capital example," writes a reader, "of what is often termed 'taking
+the starch out,' happened recently in a country bank in New England. A
+pompous, well-dressed individual entered the bank, and, addressing the
+teller, who is something of a wag, inquired: 'Is the cashier in?' 'No,
+sir,' was the reply. 'Well, I am dealing in pens--supplying the New
+England banks pretty largely--and I suppose it will be proper for me
+to deal with the cashier.' 'I suppose it will,' said the teller. 'Very
+well; I will wait.' The pen-pedlar took a chair, and sat composedly
+for a full hour, waiting for the cashier. By that time, he began to
+grow uneasy, but sat twisting in his chair for about twenty minutes,
+and, seeing no prospect of a change in his circumstances, asked the
+teller how soon the cashier would be in. 'Well, I don't know exactly,'
+said the waggish teller, 'but I expect him in about eight weeks. He
+has just gone to Lake Superior, and told me he thought he should come
+back in that time.' Pedlar thought he would not wait. 'Oh, stay if you
+wish,' said the teller, very blandly; 'we have no objection to your
+sitting here in the day time, and you can probably find some place
+in town where they will be glad to keep you of nights.' The pompous
+pedlar disappeared without another word."
+
+
+THE EFFECT OF ELOQUENCE.--218.
+
+One of the late Governors of South Carolina was a splendid lawyer, and
+could talk a jury out of their seven senses. He was especially noted
+for success in criminal cases, almost always clearing his client. He
+was once counsel for a man accused of horse-stealing. He made a long,
+eloquent, and touching speech. The jury retired, but returned in a
+few moments, and proclaimed the man not guilty. An old acquaintance
+stepped up to the prisoner, and said: "Jem, the danger is passed;
+and now, honour bright, didn't you steal that horse?" To which Jem
+replied: "Well, Tom, I've all along thought I took the horse; but
+since I've heard the Governor's speech, I don't believe I did."
+
+
+HOTEL ACCOMMODATION IN THE SOUTH.--219.
+
+There was a traveller once, down South--say in the State of
+Georgia--who, halting for the night at an inn, where he was told
+that, as there were many guests, he must put up with a shakedown,
+was conducted after supper to an outhouse full of cows and pigs.
+"Where am I to sleep?" cried the despairing wayfarer. "Spect 'yiccan
+please yisself, mas'r," answered with a grin the negro who acted as
+chamberlain; "but," he continued, pointing to a corner of the lair,
+where there were only two cows and no pigs, "dat's de mose fashionable
+part."
+
+
+A PLUMP QUESTION.--220.
+
+The late gallant General Sumner, about twenty years ago, was captain
+of a company of cavalry, and commanded Fort Atkinson, in Iowa. One of
+his men, Billy G----, had received an excellent education, was of a
+good family, but an unfortunate habit of mixing too much water with
+his whisky had so reduced him in circumstances that out of desperation
+he enlisted. Captain Sumner soon discovered his qualifications, and
+as he was a good accountant and excellent penman, he made him his
+confidential clerk. At times the old habit would overcome Billy's good
+resolutions, and a spree would be the result. Captain Sumner, though a
+rigid disciplinarian, disliked to punish him severely, and privately
+gave him much good advice (after a good sobering in the guard-house),
+receiving in return many thanks and promises of amendment; but his
+sprees became more and more frequent. One day, after Billy had been on
+a bender, the captain determined on giving him a severe reprimand, and
+ordered Billy into his presence before he was fully sober. Billy came
+with his eyes all blood-shot and head hanging down, when the captain
+accosted him with: "So, sir, you have been drunk again, and I have
+to say that this conduct must cease. You are a man of good family,
+good education, ordinarily a good soldier, neat, cleanly, and genteel
+in appearance, of good address, and a valuable man; yet you will get
+drunk. Now I shall tell you, once for all that----" Here Billy's eyes
+sparkled, and he interrupted his superior with: "Beg pardon, captain,
+did you say that--hic--I was a man of good birth and education?" "Yes,
+I did." "And that I was a good soldier?" "Certainly." "That usually
+I--I--am neat and genteel?" "Yes, Billy." "And that I am a valuable
+man?" "Yes; but you will get drunk." Billy drew himself up with great
+dignity, and throwing himself on his reserved rights, indignantly
+exclaimed: "Well now, Captain Sumner, do you really think Uncle Sam
+expects--to--to--to get all the _cardinal virtues for twelve dollars a
+month_?"
+
+
+THE CORDS OF HYMEN.--221.
+
+A poetical feminine, who found the cords of Hymen not so silky as she
+expected, gives vent to feelings in the following regretful stanzas.
+The penultimate line is peculiarly comprehensive and expansive:--
+
+     "When I was young I used to earn
+       My living without trouble;
+     Had clothes and pocket-money too,
+       And hours of pleasure double.
+
+     "I never dream'd of such a fate,
+       When I A-LASS was courted--
+
+     Wife, mother, nurse, seamstress, cook, housekeeper,
+       chambermaid, laundress, dairy-woman, and scrub generally,
+       doing the work of six,
+
+       For the sake of being supported."
+
+
+CURE FOR FAINTING.--222.
+
+A New York man, who had not been out of the city for years, fainted
+away in the pure air of the country. He was only resuscitated by
+putting a dead fish to his nose, when he slowly revived, exclaiming,
+"That's good--it smells like home!"
+
+
+A CHEAP TREAT.--223.
+
+A hard-shell preacher, in discoursing about Daniel in the lion's
+den, said: "And there he sat all night long, looking at the show for
+nothing, and it didn't cost him a cent."
+
+
+JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.--224.
+
+I kum to the conclusion lately that life was so onsartin, that the
+only way for me to stand a fair chance with other folks was to get my
+life insured, and so I called on the agent of the Garden Angel Life
+Insurance Company, and answered the following questions, which were
+put to me over the top of a pair of specks by a slick little fat old
+feller, with a round gray head on him as any man ever owned:--1. Are
+you mail or femail? if so, state how long you have been so. 2. Had
+you a father or mother? if so, which? 3. Are you subject to fits? and
+if so, du yu have more than one at a time? 4. What iz your precise
+fiting wate? 5. Did you ever have any ancestors? and if so, how much?
+6. What is your legal opinion of the constitushunality of the ten
+commandments? 7. Du yu have any night-mare? 8. Are yu married or
+single, or are yu a bachelor? 9. Du yu believe in a future stait? if
+yu du, stait it. 10. What are your private sentiments about a rush of
+rats to the hed? can it be did successfully? 11. Hav yu ever committed
+suicide? and if so, how did it affect yu? After answering the above
+questions, like a man in a confirmatiff, the slick little fat old
+feller with gold specks on sed I was insured for life, and probably
+would remain so for some years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my
+most pensive smiles.
+
+
+SHORT AND EXPRESSIVE.--225.
+
+Some years since there was a great gathering of people at Augusta,
+Maine, to take into consideration the subject of building a dam across
+the Kennebec River at that point. The meeting was followed by a dinner
+at the Mansion House, and the Liquor Law being a thing not yet thought
+of, the bottle circulated freely, and many of the guests were getting
+"jolly mellow," when Frank ----, a wag of an editor, was called on
+for a toast. Frank immediately staggered to his feet, and grasping
+the back of his chair with one hand, and holding aloft with the
+other a tumbler of "Old Jamaica," responded somewhat emphatically:
+"Gentlemen, d--n the Kennebec!--and improve its navigation," and sat
+down amid a roar of applause. The dam was built.
+
+
+DOW, JUNIOR.--226.
+
+It was Dow, jun.--sacred to his memory--who said that "Life is a
+country dance: down outside and back; tread on the corns of your
+neighbour; poke your nose everywhere; all hands around; right and
+left. Bob your cocoanut--the figure is ended. Time hangs up the
+fiddle, and death puts out the lights."
+
+
+A PROMPT REPLY.--227.
+
+A little boy, some six years old, was using his slate and pencil on
+the Sabbath, when his father, who was a clergyman, entered, and said:
+"My son, I prefer that you should not use your slate on the Lord's
+Day." "I'm making meeting-houses, father," was the prompt reply.
+
+
+INTERRUPTING THE SERMON.--228.
+
+An amusing incident says the _Selinsgrove_ (Pa.) _Post_, occurred in
+one of our churches on Sunday, which caused considerable tittering
+throughout the congregation. While the minister was in the midst of
+his sermon, a little boy about ten years of age quietly left his
+seat, took his hat, walked up to the pulpit and asked permission of
+the minister to leave the church, saying that he forgot to feed the
+pig. The request was granted and the boy left; but returned in a few
+minutes, no doubt greatly relieved. It embarrassed the minister for
+some minutes afterwards.
+
+
+HOW SAM WAS CAUGHT.--229.
+
+An old lady who was making some jam was called upon by a neighbour.
+"Sam, you rascal," she said, "you'll be eating my jam when I'm away."
+Sam protested he'd die first; but the whites of his eyes rolled
+hungrily towards the bubbling crimson. "See here, Sam," said the
+old lady, taking up a piece of chalk, "I'll chak your lips, and on
+my return I'll know if you've eaten any." So saying, she passed her
+forefinger over the thick lip of the darkey, holding the chalk in the
+palm of her hand, and not letting it touch him. When she came back,
+she did not need to ask any question, for Sam's lips were chalked a
+quarter of an inch thick.
+
+
+FANCY HER FEELINGS.--230.
+
+Not far from Central New Jersey lived two young lawyers, Archy Brown
+and Thomas Jones. Both were fond of dropping into Mr. Smith's parlour
+and spending an hour or two with his only daughter, Mary. One evening,
+when Brown and Mary had discussed almost every topic, Brown suddenly,
+in his sweetest tones, struck out as follows:--"Do you think, Mary,
+you could leave father and mother, this pleasant home, with all its
+ease and comforts, and go to the far West with a young lawyer, who had
+but little besides his profession to depend upon, and with him search
+out a new home, which it should be your joint duty to beautify, and
+make delightful and happy like this?" Dropping her head softly on his
+shoulders, she whispered, "I think I could, Archy." "Well," said he,
+"there's Tom Jones, who's going West, and wants to get a wife; I'll
+mention it to him."
+
+
+ABSENCE OF MIND.--231.
+
+The _Lowell Journal_ gives an account of a rich scene that occurred
+in one of the Lowell hotels recently. A lodger, who had been on a
+spree the previous evening, arose in the morning and rang the bell
+violently. Boots appeared. "Where are my pants? I locked my door
+last night, and somebody has stolen them?" Boots was green, and a
+little terrified. He left, however, struck with a sudden thought, and
+returned with the identical pants. The landlord was called to receive
+complaints against Boots; but he made it evident that the man had put
+out his pantaloons to be blacked instead of his boots. The lodger left
+in the first train.
+
+
+KEEN AND SIGNIFICANT.--232.
+
+When the editor of the _Bulletin_ said, "We are under conviction
+that," &c., the editor of the _Sunday Mercury_ retorted: "This is
+not the first time that the editor of the _Bulletin_ has been _under
+conviction_!"
+
+
+A LEGAL TOAST.--233.
+
+At a recent railroad dinner, in compliment to the legal fraternity,
+the toast was given:--"An honest lawyer, the noblest work of God;" but
+an old farmer in the back part of the hall rather spoiled the effect
+by adding, in a loud voice, "And about the scarcest."
+
+
+RATHER 'CUTE.--234.
+
+A Western editor was recently requested to send his paper to a distant
+patron, provided he would take his pay in "trade." At the end of the
+year he found that his new subscriber was a coffin maker.
+
+
+NOVEL HINT FROM THE PULPIT.--235.
+
+The _Seneca Advertiser_ tells the following:--The pastor of a certain
+church not a thousand miles from this place a few Sabbaths ago,
+when about to baptize a child, reproved the flock in the following
+fashion:--"My dear people, I fear that you are neglecting parental
+duties, as this is only the second child presented for baptism during
+my pastoral connection with this church." (Sensation among the
+crinoline.)
+
+
+TIRED OF HIS BOARDING-HOUSE.--236.
+
+A prisoner of war advertises from Johnson's Island, in a New York
+journal, for a substitute to take his place in the military prison
+there:--"Wanted.--A substitute to stay here in my place. He must be
+30 years old; have a good moral character; A 1 digestive powers, and
+not addicted to writing poetry. To such a one all the advantages of
+a strict retirement, army rations, and unmitigated watchfulness to
+prevent them from getting lost, are offered for an indefinite period.
+Address me at Block 1, Room 12, Johnson's Island Military Prison, at
+any time for the next three years, enclosing half a dozen postage
+stamps.--ASA HARTZ."
+
+
+THE AMERICAN PLATFORMS.--237.
+
+The _Croydon Democrat_ publishes the following platform arranged to
+suit all parties. The first column is the Secession platform, the
+second is the Abolition platform; and the whole read together is
+the Democratic platform. The platform is like the Union--as a whole
+it is Democratic, but divided, one half is Secession, and the other
+Abolition:--
+
+          Hurrah for  The old Union
+           Secession  Is a curse
+        We fight for  The constitution
+     The Confederacy  Is a league with hell
+             We love  Free speech
+       The rebellion  Is treason
+         We glory in  A free press
+          Separation  Will not be tolerated
+    We fight not for  The negroes' freedom
+      Reconstruction  Must be obtained
+     We must succeed  At every hazard
+           The Union  We love
+         We love not  The negro
+       We never said  Let the Union slide
+             We want  The Union as it was
+Foreign intervention  Is played out
+          We cherish  The old flag
+  The stars and bars  Is a flaunting lie
+         We venerate  The _habeas corpus_
+   Southern chivalry  Is hateful
+            Death to  Jeff. Davis
+         Abe Lincoln  Isn't the Government
+           Down with  Mob law
+       Law and order  Shall triumph.
+
+ALL HUMAN.--238.
+
+A Vermont farmer sent to an orphan asylum for a boy that was smart,
+active, tractable, prompt, and industrious, clean, pious, intelligent,
+good looking, reserved, and modest. The superintendent replied that
+their boys were all human, though they were orphans, and referred him
+to the New Jerusalem if he wanted to get the order filled.
+
+
+CONDITIONAL FORGIVENESS.--239.
+
+A negro about dying, was told by his minister that he must forgive
+a certain darkey against whom he seemed to entertain very bitter
+feelings. "Yes sah," he replied, "if I dies I forgive dat nigga; but
+if I gets well, dat nigga must take care."
+
+
+ILLEGIBLE MANUSCRIPTS.--240.
+
+What guessers printers must be! A New York editor, in descanting upon
+the guess-at-half-of-it style of writing in which many articles are
+sent to be printed, gives the following amusing specimen. A piece of
+poetry before him, written in what, at a reasonable glance, seemed to
+be intelligible, when examined a little closer appeared to present the
+following:--
+
+     Alone toss'd rolls a tear by Moses,
+       A many things we mourn by day;
+     Tom and the shouting Indian chorus,
+       And seethe their lambs at play.
+
+Knowing, however, that his correspondent was not a fool, he more
+carefully examined it, and he guesses that the following version is
+nearer the author's intentions:--
+
+     I love to stroll at early morn
+       Among the new-mown hay,
+     To mark the sprouting Indian corn,
+       And see the lambs at play.
+
+
+A CLOSE WITNESS.--241.
+
+During a recent trial at Auburn, the following occurred to vary the
+monotony of the proceedings:--Among the witnesses was one as verdant
+a specimen of humanity as one would wish to meet with. After a
+severe cross-examination the counsel for the Government paused, and
+then putting on a look of severity and ominous shake of the head,
+exclaimed, "Mr. Witness, has not an effort been made to induce you to
+tell a different story?" "A different story from what I have told,
+sir?" "That is what I mean." "Yes, sir; several persons have tried
+to get me to tell a different story from what I have told, but they
+couldn't." "Now, sir, upon your oath, I wish to know who these persons
+are." "Wall, I guess you've tried 'bout as hard as any of them." The
+witness was dismissed, while judge, jury, and spectators indulged in a
+hearty laugh.
+
+
+A SATISFACTORY REASON.--242.
+
+A few days ago an Englishman came into a grocery to make a few
+purchases, but was not suited with prices, so he broke out with, "What
+a bloody country! I could get more for twopence at home than I can
+'ere for 'arf a crown." "Why the devil didn't you stay at 'ome?" said
+the angry groceryman. "I'll tell you," replied John Bull; "I couldn't
+get the twopence."
+
+
+THE OLD KING'S ARM.--243.
+
+The old king's arm had a barrel as long as a rail, requiring some
+little time for a musket-ball to get out of it. A sportsman, in
+speaking of its peculiarities, said: "I once aimed at a robin, snapped
+the lock four times, then looked into the muzzle, saw the charge
+coming out, raised the gun again, took aim, and killed the bird."
+
+
+REASONS FOR NOT JOINING THE CHURCH.--244.
+
+Two lawyers in Lowell were returning from court, when the one said
+to the other: "I've a notion to join Rev. Mr. ----'s church; been
+debating the matter for some time. What do you think of it?" "Wouldn't
+do it," said the other. "Well, why?" "Because it could do you no
+possible good, while it would be a great injury to the church."
+
+
+IRISH EXHORTATION.--245.
+
+An Irishman in Pittsburgh, who was exhorting the people against
+profane swearing, said he was grieved to see what he had seen in that
+town. "My friends," said he, "such is the profligacy of the people
+around here that even little children, who can neither walk nor talk,
+may be seen runing about the streets cursing and swearing!"
+
+
+IN LOVE WITH THE DEVIL.--246.
+
+A Country exchange says:--As our "Devil" was going home with his
+sweetheart, a few evening since, she said to him, "Dick, I fear I
+shall never get to Heaven." "Why?" asked the knight of the ink-keg.
+"Because," said she, with a melting look, "I love the _Devil_ so well!"
+
+
+HOW MR. LINCOLN SHAKES HANDS.--247.
+
+The correspondent of the _New York World_, in an account of Mr.
+Lincoln's late visit to Philadelphia, writes:--"Mr. Lincoln passed
+some time in shaking hands. This salutation is with him a peculiarity.
+It is not the pump-handle 'shake,' nor a twist, nor a spasmodic motion
+from side to side, nor yet a reach towards the knee and a squeeze
+at arm's length. When Mr. Lincoln performs this rite, it becomes a
+solemnity. A ghastly smile overspreads his peculiar countenance; then,
+after an instant's pause, he suddenly thrusts his 'flapper' at you,
+as a sword is thrust in tierce; you feel your hand enveloped as in a
+fleshy vice, a cold clamminess overspreads your unfortunate digits, a
+corkscrew burrows its way from your finger nails to your shoulder, the
+smile disappears, and you know that you are unshackled. You carefully
+count your fingers to see that none of them are missing, or that they
+have not become assimilated in a common mass."
+
+
+HARD SCRABBLE.--248.
+
+A farmer who lives on a certain hill, called "Hard Scrabble," in
+Central New York, says that last summer, owing to the drought and poor
+land together, the grass was so short they had to lather it before
+they could mow it!
+
+
+I WOULD IF I COULD.--249.
+
+A young lady was told by a married lady that she had better
+precipitate herself off the Niagara Falls into the basin beneath than
+marry. The young lady replied, "I would, if I thought I could find a
+husband at the bottom."
+
+
+A SOLEMN HOUR.--250.
+
+An old "revolutioner" says of all the solemn hours he ever saw, that
+occupied in going home one dark night from the Widow Bean's, after
+being told by her daughter Sally that he "needn't come again," was the
+most solemn.
+
+
+PROVERBS.--PRESERVED BY JOSHUA BILLINGS, ESQ.--251.
+
+Don't swop with your relashuns unless you kin afford to give them
+the big end of the trade. Marry young, and, if circumstances require
+it, often. If you can't git good cloathes and edication too, git the
+cloathes. Say how are you to everybody. Kultivate modesty, but mind
+and keep a good stock of impudence on hand. Bee charitable--three
+cent. pieces were made on purpose. It costs more to borry than it does
+to buy. Ef a man flatters yu, yu can kalkerlate he is a roge, or you
+are a fule. Keep both ize open, but don't see morn harlf you notis.
+If you ich for fame, go into a grave-yard and scratch yourself agin a
+tume stone. Young man, be more anxus about the pedigre yur going to
+leave than you are about the wun somebody's going to leave you. Sin is
+like weeds--self-sone and sure to cum. Two lovers, like two armies,
+generally git along quietly until they are engaged.
+
+
+BRIGHAM YOUNG'S WIVES.--252.
+
+Artemus Ward writes that he is tired of answering the questions as to
+how many wives Brigham Young has. He says that all he knows about it
+is that he one day used up the multiplication table in counting the
+long stockings on a clothes-line in Brigham's back yard, and went off
+feeling dizzy.
+
+
+THE OTHER SIDE.--253.
+
+One story is good until another is told, and the advice to "have
+both sides" is old, but always good. The annoyance caused by ladies
+in street-cars has been so frequently dwelt on that it has come to
+be accepted as a matter of course that the wearers of crinoline
+are sinners above all among the occupants of street-cars. But read
+the following indictment drawn up against the male persuasion of
+street-car society, and see if the account is not about balanced.
+What "female nuisance" can surpass, for instance, the man who crosses
+his legs, or puts his foot upon his knee, allowing a dirty boot to
+wipe itself on good clothes passing him; the man who gets in chewing
+the stump of a cigar, and declines to throw it away because he is
+not smoking, and consequently stenches the whole conveyance; the man
+who sits sideways when the seat is crowded; the man who fidgets in
+a crowded seat; the man who, in getting out, lifts his feet so high
+as to wipe the knees of every passer-by; the man who enters with a
+paint pot; the ever-talkative man, who insists on drawing you into
+conversation, and boring you with his ideas political; the man who is
+deep in his cups; the ill-natured, ugly-looking man, who frightens all
+children in arms; the over-dressed man, who is afraid of being mussed;
+the rowdy man, who is spoiling for a fight; the fat man, who occupies
+too much room; the lean man, who cuts you with his sharp hones; the
+pretty man, who smirks so disgustingly; the man who wants to pick your
+pocket; the friendly man, who requests a loan; the man with a writ;
+the man that smells of garlic; the man that perfumes with musk; the
+vanity man, who displays all the money he has while searching for a
+five-cent. postal; the lazy man, who never hurries to get on or off;
+the unaccommodating man, who refuses to have his basket placed on the
+front platform; the man who treads on your newly-blacked boots; the
+man who asks for a chew of tobacco; the profane man; the subscription
+man; the insane man, on his way to the insane asylum; the man who asks
+you the time of day when you are _minus_ a watch; and the man who
+wants to be over-polite to your wife.
+
+
+EDITORS EXCHANGING COMPLIMENTS.--254.
+
+The _Louisville Journal_--an impudent, one-horse Kentucky concern,
+conducted by a walking whisky-bottle--says that one of our
+correspondents deprived it of its maps and despatches from Sherman's
+army. The _Journal_ is unable to pay even wages to its correspondents,
+and relies upon us for the news. Our correspondent purchased the maps
+and intelligence referred to from one of the starving reporters of the
+_Journal_, in order to save him from putting an end to his miserable
+existence, since he could live no longer on the bottle of Bourbon a
+week with which the _Journal_ supplied him. The Western editors are
+all whisky-bottles, their reporters are all whisky, and their papers
+have all the fumes of that beverage without any of its strength.
+So much for the slanders of the _Louisville Journal_.--(_New York
+Herald._) From the _Louisville Journal_:--This paragraph is the one to
+which, without having seen it, we referred yesterday in our notice of
+W. F. G. Shanks, a war correspondent of the _New York Herald_. That
+paper says that its correspondent purchased from ours the map and the
+intelligence referred to; this is the map and the rebel newspapers
+mentioned by us yesterday. This is all a base and unmitigated
+falsehood. The map was given to the _Herald's_ correspondent upon a
+condition which he scandalously violated, and he feloniously broke
+the seals of the papers and stole their contents for the use of his
+thieving employers. The employers and the _employé_, instead of
+throwing a stone at us, ought to be pecking the article in the State
+prison. It is not supposable that any paper on earth could have aught
+to gain from a dispute with the _New York Herald_. The editor of
+that concern is so low down that fifty millstones around his neck,
+waist, arms, and legs, couldn't sink him lower. Notoriously, he has
+been oftener kicked and horsewhipped than any other man in the United
+States. Whoever has had the slightest fancy for horsewhipping or
+kicking him has done it. The licence to operate on him in either way,
+or both, couldn't have been more perfect if he had worn the word "to
+let" in chalk-marks upon his shoulders and coat-tail. When he has
+waked up each morning, his reflection has been, "Now, is it to be
+a horsewhipping or a kicking to-day?" and occasionally it has been
+both, eked out with a smart nose-pulling. In fact, his nose has been
+so frequently twisted that it is an entirely one-sided affair, and we
+think that in common fairness "the twister" should be sentenced by a
+court of justice to "untwist the twist." The editor of the _Herald_
+is said to have a great deal of money, but his kicks far exceed
+his coppers. The only time he was ever known to thank God was when
+sharp-toed boots and shoes were changed to square-toed. It is said
+that by long experience he could always tell, when kicked, whether the
+application was made by boots, shoes, brogans, or slippers; at what
+particular store the article was bought, what was its cost, what its
+quality, and whether it was made of the hide of Durhams, short-horned
+Alderneys, Herefords, or Devons. When cattle were killed, it was a
+frequent understanding that while the fat was to be tried on the fire
+the leather was to be tried on the editor of the _Herald_. He is
+regarded as being undoubtedly the best judge of leather in New York;
+not that he is a leather-dealer, but that leather-dealers have had so
+much to do with him. He has come so often in contact with leather that
+the part of him chiefly concerned has itself become leather; so he not
+only walks upon leather when he walks, but sits upon leather when he
+sits. The editor of the _Herald_ has lived a good deal longer than he
+ought to have done, but it is to be hoped that he can't live always.
+And if he ever dies, his hide should be tanned to leather--that is,
+the small portion of it that hasn't already been--his hair used as
+shoemaker's bristles, and his bones made into shoeing-horns.
+
+
+A SLASHING ARTICLE.--255.
+
+Editors, like other shrewd men, must live with their eyes and ears
+open. The following story is told of one who started a paper in a
+western town. The town was infested by gamblers, whose presence was a
+source of annoyance to the citizens, who told the editor that if he
+did not come out against them they would not patronize his paper. He
+replied that he would give them a "smasher" next day. Sure enough,
+his next issue contained the promised "smasher;" and on the following
+morning the redoubtable editor, with scissors in hand, was seated in
+his sanctum, when in walked a large man, with a horse-whip in his
+hand, who demanded to know if the editor was in. "No, sir," was the
+reply, "he has stepped out. Take a seat, and read the papers--he will
+return in a minute." Down sat the indignant man of cards, crossed
+his legs with his whip between them, and commenced reading a paper.
+In the meantime the editor quietly vamoosed downstairs, and at the
+landing he met another excited man with a cudgel in his hand, who
+asked if the editor was in? "Yes, sir," was the quick response, "you
+will find him seated upstairs, reading a newspaper." The latter, on
+entering the room, with a furious oath, commenced a violent assault
+upon the former, which was resisted with equal ferocity. The fight was
+continued till they had both rolled to the foot of the stairs, and had
+pounded each other to their heart's content.
+
+
+A NOVEL VERDICT.--256.
+
+A coroner's jury in Boston returned as a verdict, in the case of a
+woman who died suddenly, that "she died from congestion of the brain,
+caused by _overtipulation_."
+
+
+AMERICAN NOTION OF VILLANY.--257.
+
+The man that will take a newspaper for a length of time and then send
+it back "refused" and unpaid for, would swallow a blind dog's dinner,
+and then stone the dog for being blind.
+
+
+CONFESSION OF A CLERGYMAN.--258.
+
+A clergyman was lately depicting before a deeply-interested audience
+the alarming increase of intemperance, when he astonished his hearers
+by exclaiming: "A young woman in my neighbourhood died very suddenly
+last Sabbath, while I was preaching the gospel in a state of beastly
+intoxication!"
+
+
+PERSONAL.--259.
+
+A contemporary having published a long leader on "hogs," a rival paper
+in the same village upbraids him for obtruding his family matters upon
+the public.
+
+
+AWKWARD COINCIDENCE.--260.
+
+An American divine preached one Sunday morning from the text--"Ye
+are the children of the devil," and in the afternoon, by a funny
+coincidence, from the words, "Children, obey your parents."
+
+
+HOW TO GET A SEAT BY THE FIRE.--261.
+
+A traveller came into a country hotel in Wisconsin upon a very cold
+day, and could get no room near the fire, whereupon he called to the
+ostler to fetch a peck of oysters, and give them to his horse. "Will
+your horse eat oysters?" replied the ostler. "Try him," said the
+gentleman. The loafing guests running immediately to see this wonder,
+the fireside was cleared, and the gentleman had his choice of seats.
+The ostler brought back the oysters, and said the horse would not
+touch them. "Won't he?" said the stranger. "Why, then, bring them
+here; I shall be forced to eat them myself."
+
+
+RIVALLING NATURE.--262.
+
+Cotton being scarce, a Yankee "patriot" has invented, and is
+selling like hot dumplings, india-rubber breastworks for ladies,
+as his advertisement says:--"Rivalling nature in grace, shape, and
+elasticity!"
+
+
+THE SUBLIME AND RIDICULOUS.--263.
+
+"Woman is most beautiful when in tears, like a rose wet with
+the crystal dew."--_Mobile Examiner._ "We suppose the editor
+of the _Examiner_ whips his wife every Sunday to make her look
+beautiful."--_Baltimore Sun._
+
+
+A SENSIBLE WOMAN.--264.
+
+A lady that would please herself in marrying was warned that her
+intended, although a good sort of a man, was very singular. "Well,"
+replied the lady, "if he is very much unlike other men, he is much
+more likely to be a good husband."
+
+
+ANOTHER DISCOVERY.--265.
+
+The other day a crowd was assembled around a drunken man lying at full
+length in the street. They resorted to every known means to arouse
+him; they rubbed his ears, then his hands, and shook him violently,
+but all to no avail, for John Whisky had got too strong a hold on him.
+Presently, a boy came along who was selling brewers' yeast, which he
+carried in a pail. "What's the matter?" queried the hopeful; "can't
+you get him up? Well, I can. If this yeast won't raise him, he's a
+goner, for it'll raise anything that ever grew." Accordingly, he
+poured about half a pint down the man's neck, and, sure enough, to
+the surprise of all, it raised him instantly, and he went on his way,
+growing taller every minute.
+
+
+UNNECESSARY APPREHENSION.--266.
+
+A fellow, who was being led to execution, told the officers not to
+take him through a certain street, lest a merchant who resided there
+should arrest him for an old debt.
+
+
+EITHER WAY WILL DO.--267.
+
+"Will you have me, Sarah?" said a young man to a modest girl. "No,
+John," said she, "but you may have me, if you will."
+
+
+A MOOTED QUESTION.--268.
+
+It is a mooted question whether St. Paul was ever married. Eusebius
+says he was a widower, which would usually imply that he had been. We
+opine that he was, from the hearty manner in which he discouraged the
+institution.
+
+
+PARTING FRIENDS.--269.
+
+A clergyman travelling in California encountered a panther, of which
+he subsequently wrote as follows: "I looked at him long enough to
+note his brown and glossy coat, his big, glaring eyes, his broad and
+well-developed muzzle, and his capacious jaws, when both of us left
+the spot, and, I am pleased to add, in opposite directions."
+
+
+HOW TO DO BUSINESS.--270.
+
+It is told of a well-known American map-agent out here, that on a
+recent trip in the interior of the island, he was attacked by highway
+robbers, who demanded his money. Being more prudent than to carry
+money into the country, they failed in making a haul. "But," said our
+Yankee, "I have some splendid maps of the island along with me, which
+I should like to show you;" and in a twinkling he was off his horse,
+and a map stuck up on a pole, and explained it so effectually that he
+sold each of the banditti a map, pocketed the money, and resumed his
+journey, better off for the encounter.
+
+
+EXEMPT, DECIDEDLY.--271.
+
+"Ugh! How do you make out that you are exempt, eh?" "I am over age, I
+am a negro, a minister, a cripple, a British subject, and a habitual
+drunkard."
+
+
+A LONE NIGGER.--272.
+
+During the last winter a "contraband" came into the Federal lines
+in North Carolina, and was marched up to the officer of the day to
+give an account of himself, whereupon the following colloquy ensued:
+"What's your name?" "My name's Sam." "Sam what?" "No, sah; not Sam
+Watt. I'se jist Sam." "What's your other name?" "I hasn't got no
+oder name, sah. I'se Sam--dat's all." "What's your master's name?"
+"I'se got no massa now. Massa runned away--yah, yah! I'se free nigger
+now." "Well, what's your father and mother's name?" "I'se got none,
+sah--neber had none. I'se jist Sam--ain't nobody else." "Haven't you
+any brothers and sisters?" "No, sah; neber had none. No brudder, no
+sister, no fader, no mudder, no massa--nothin' but Sam. When you see
+Sam you see all dere is of us."
+
+
+A LIBELLOUS ASSERTION.--273.
+
+Ask a woman to a tea-party in the Garden of Eden, and she'd be sure to
+draw up her eyelids and scream: "I can't go without a new gown."
+
+
+WESTERN NEIGHBOURS.--274.
+
+"Where is your house?" asked a traveller in the depths of one of the
+"old solemn wildernesses" of the great West. "House! I ain't got no
+house." "Well, where do you live?" "I live in the woods, sleep on the
+great Government purchase, eat raw bear and wild turkey, and drink out
+of the Mississippi!" And he added--"It's getting too thick with the
+folks out here. You're the second man I've seen within the last month,
+and I hear there's a whole family come in about fifty miles down the
+river. I'm going to put out into the woods again."
+
+
+SNUBBING A LAWYER.--275.
+
+Old Mrs. Lawson was called as a witness. She was sharp and wide awake.
+At last the cross-examining lawyer, out of all patience, exclaimed,
+"Mrs. Lawson, you have brass enough in your face to make a twelve
+quart pail." "Yes," she replied, "and you've got sass enough in your
+head to fill it."
+
+
+GETTING DOWN A LADDER.--276.
+
+"Mass Tom! Oh, Mass Tom! howse I goin ter get down dis ladder?" "Come
+down the same way you went up, you blockhead!" replied the master,
+running out to see what was the matter. "De same way as I come up,
+Mass Tom?" "Yes, confound you, and don't bother me any more!" "Well,
+if I must, I must!"--and down came the little darkey head foremost.
+
+
+IRISH NEGRO.--277.
+
+A negro from Montzerat, or Marigalante, where the Hiberno-Celtic is
+spoken by all classes, happened to be on the wharf at Philadelphia
+when a number of Irish emigrants were landed; and seeing one of them
+with a wife and four children, he stepped forward to assist the family
+on shore. The Irishman, in his native tongue, expressed his surprise
+at the civility of the negro; who, understanding what had been said,
+replied in Irish, that he need not be astonished, for that he was
+a _bit of an Irishman himself_. The Irishman, surprised to hear a
+black man speak in his _Milesian_ dialect, it entered his mind with
+the usual rapidity of Irish fancy, that he really was an Irishman,
+but that the climate had changed his fair complexion. "_If I may be
+so bold, sir_," said he, "_may I ask how long you have been in this
+country_?" The negro man, who had only come hither on a voyage, said
+he had been in Philadelphia only about four months. Poor Patrick
+turned round to his wife and children, and looking as if for the last
+time on their rosy cheeks, concluding that in four months they must
+also change their complexion, exclaimed, "O merciful powers! Biddy,
+did you hear that? He is not more than four months in this country,
+and he is already almost as black as jet."
+
+
+INTERESTING EXPERIMENT.--278.
+
+The muscles of the human jaw produce a power equal to one hundred and
+twenty-five pounds. If you ever had your fingers in an angry man's
+mouth, you will not dispute the veracity of this assertion.
+
+
+SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS.--279.
+
+I suppose the reason whi wimmin are so fast talkers, iz bekauze tha
+don't hav tew stop tew spit on their hands. After Joseph's brotheren
+had beat him out ov hiz cut ov many cullars, what did tha dew nex? Tha
+pittied him! Thare iz nothing in this life that will open the pores
+ov a man so mutch, as tew fall in luv; it makes him as fluent az a
+tin whissell, az limber az a boy's watch chain, and az perlite as a
+dansing-master; hiz harte iz az full ov sunshine az a hay-field, and
+there aint any more guile in him than there iz in a stik ov merlasses
+candy. Thare iz a grate number ov ways for folks tew make phools of
+themselfs, but thare iz one way so simple, i wonder nobody haz ever
+tried it, and that iz tew run after real-estate advertizements. Thare
+don't seem tew be enny end tew the ambishun ov men, but thare iz one
+thing that sum ov them will find out if tha ever dew git tew Heaven,
+and that iz tha can't git enny further. He who can hold awl he gits,
+kan most generally get more, I serpoze if a commisshun should cum
+from Heaven tew gather up awl the intrinsick literature among men, a
+common-sized angel kould fly off with the whole ov it under one wing
+and not lug him mutch. Yu kant alwus tell a gentleman by hiz clothes,
+but yu kan bi hiz finger nails. Adam invented "_luv at first sight_,"
+one of the greatest laber-saving machines the world ever saw. It iz
+a grave question, whether, in curtailing superfluitys in these hard
+times, we have a moral right tew cut oph a dorg's tale tew save the
+expense ov boarding it. I hav herd a grate deal ced about "_broken
+hartes_," and thare may be a few of them, but mi experiense iz that
+nex tew the gizzard, the harte iz the tuffest peace ov meat in the
+whole critter.
+
+
+TWO THINGS MADE TO BE LOST.--280.
+
+A country editor comes to the conclusion that there are two things
+that were made to be lost--sinners and umbrellas.
+
+
+REASONS ENOUGH.--281.
+
+An editor complained that he could not sleep one night, summing up the
+causes:--A wailing baby, sixteen months old; a howling dog under the
+window; a cat-fight in the alley; a nigger serenade in a shanty over
+the way; a toothache; and a pig trying to get in at the back-door.
+
+
+LOW-NECKED FROCKS.--282.
+
+The Rev. Mr. Sniffkins has recorded in his diary that three
+conspicuous low-necked frocks in a congregation will neutralize the
+effect of the best discourse that ever was preached.
+
+
+EMERSON AND THEODORE PARKER.--283.
+
+There is an allegorical story current that once, immediately after
+Theodore Parker had parted from Ralph Waldo Emerson on the road to
+Boston, a crazy Millerite encountered Parker, and cried: "Sir, do
+you not know that the world is coming to an end?" Upon which Parker
+replied: "My good man, that doesn't concern me; I live in Boston."
+The same fanatic, overtaking Emerson, announced in the same terms the
+approach of the end of the world, upon which Emerson replied: "I am
+glad of it, sir; man will get along much better without it!"
+
+
+HOW TO GO MAD.--284.
+
+Be an editor; let the devil be waiting for copy; sit down to write an
+article, and get a few sentences done; then let an acquaintance drop
+in and begin to tell you stories and gossips of the town; let him
+sit, and sit, and sit. This is the quickest way we can think of to go
+raving, distracted mad.
+
+
+A WISE JUDGE.--285.
+
+A Massachusetts judge has decided that a husband may open his wife's
+letters, on the ground (so often and so tersely stated by Mr.
+Theophilus Parsons, of Cambridge) that "the husband and the wife are
+one, and the husband is that one!"
+
+
+SPARING HIS FEELINGS.--286.
+
+The editor of the _Louisville Journal_, in speaking of an assailant
+who had vehemently denied a charge of having been drunk on a certain
+occasion, says "that he cannot positively state that the gentleman
+in question was drunk, but that he does know that he was seen in the
+street at midnight, with his hat off, explaining the principles and
+theory of true politeness to the toes of his boots!"
+
+
+OF COURSE NOT.--287.
+
+The _Grand Rapids Eagle_ man says he wouldn't mind the price of wood
+so much, if all his neighbours hadn't taken to the disgusting habit of
+locking their wood-house doors at night.
+
+
+A FEMALE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON.--288.
+
+Mrs. Ripley, of Concord, Mass., is well known to the naturalists on
+account of her valuable collection of lichens, and to the Cambridge
+professors on account of her success in training young men for the
+university. It is said that a learned gentleman once called to see
+this lady, and found her hearing at once the lesson of one student in
+Sophocles, and that of another in Differential Calculus, at the same
+time rocking her grandchild's cradle with one foot, and shelling peas
+for dinner.
+
+
+A FLOATING POPULATION.--289.
+
+"You have considerable floating population in this village, havn't
+you?" asked a stranger of one of the citizens of a village on the
+Mississippi. "Well, yes, rather," was the reply; "about half the year
+the water is up to the second storey windows."
+
+
+DEMOCRATS _versus_ REPUBLICANS.--290.
+
+A prominent speaker at a Republican gathering in Ohio, said that "he
+expected to spend an eternity in company with Republicans," to which a
+Democrat replied that he "rather thought he would, _unless he repented
+of his sins_."
+
+
+A POOR COUPLE.--291.
+
+A couple announce in the _New York Post_ their marriage, and add to
+the notice--"No cards, nor any money to get them with."
+
+
+AN INDUCEMENT TO YOUNG PEOPLE.--292.
+
+A minister out West, advertised, in the hope of making young people
+come forward, that he would marry them for a glass of whisky, a dozen
+eggs, the first kiss of the bride, and a quarter of a pig.
+
+
+AN EDITORIAL HORSE.--293.
+
+An editor in the far West has bought a racehorse for which he
+paid 2000 dollars. On being asked what an editor had to do with a
+racehorse, he replied that "he was to be used in catching runaway
+subscribers."
+
+
+HIGHLY PROBABLE.--294.
+
+An American editor acknowledges the receipt of a bottle of brandy 48
+years old, and says "this brandy is so old that we very much fear it
+cannot live much longer."
+
+
+NOVEL EFFECT OF A SECOND MARRIAGE.--295.
+
+One of the substitute soldiers who was presented for examination
+at Captain Hamlin's office recently was a man who gave his name as
+(we will say) Michael Flynn. When he was stripped, upon his arm was
+clearly tattooed the name of John Sullivan. "But, I thought, you said
+your name was Michael Flynn?" said the doctor. "Yes," stammered the
+Hibernian sub, "but I have been married twice." Michael passed.
+
+
+STRIKING DEFINITION OF A COQUETTE.--296.
+
+A Western genius defines a coquette as a box of snuff, from which
+every lover takes a pinch. Her husband, fortunate or unfortunate
+wretch, as he may think himself, gets the box--on the ear.
+
+
+QUALIFICATIONS FOR A PARSON.--297.
+
+It is related of a certain church in New York, whose deacons and
+principal men are of the conservative order, that when recently in
+want of a pastor, they made application to a divine noted for his
+talents and brilliancy of oratory to become their settled minister.
+While negotiating the "call" they signified to the divine that they
+did not want a man to preach politics or temperance. "What kind of a
+preacher do you want?" inquired the minister. To which they replied
+that they desired a pastor who was "_rather religiously inclined_."
+This reminds us of a popular preacher we used to know down East, one
+of whose prominent parishioners considered him the perfection of a
+preacher, because "he never meddles with either politics or religion!"
+
+
+EXTRAORDINARY ABSENCE OF MIND.--298.
+
+The most recent case of absence of mind is that of an editor, who
+lately copied from a hostile paper one of his own articles, and headed
+it, "Wretched attempt at wit."
+
+
+A JOKE BY JENKINS.--299.
+
+"A beautiful day, Mr. Jenkins?" "Yes, very pleasant, indeed." "Good
+day for the race." "Race, what race?" "The human race." "Oh, go along
+with your stupid jokes; get up a good one, like the one with which I
+sold Day." "Day, what Day?" "The day we celebrate," said Jenkins, who
+went on his way rejoicing.
+
+
+"AND THAT'S A FACT."--300.
+
+A paper notorious for its veracity says "that a man in New Hampshire
+went out gunning one day this spring; he saw a flock of pigeons
+sitting on a branch of an old pine, so he dropped a ball into his gun
+and fired. The ball split the branch, which closed up, and caught
+the toes of all the birds in it. He saw that he had got them all,
+and so he fastened two balls together and fired, cut the branch off,
+which fell into the river. He then waded in and brought it on shore.
+On counting them there were 300 pigeons, and in his boots were two
+barrels of shad."
+
+
+A QUESTION FOR ASTRONOMERS.--301.
+
+A teacher in a western county in Canada, while making his first
+visit to his "constituents," came into conversation with an ancient
+"Varmount" lady, who had taken up her residence in the "backwoods."
+Of course, the school and former teachers came in for criticism; and
+the old lady, in speaking of his predecessor, asked: "Wa'll, master,
+what do yer think he larnt the schollards?" "Couldn't say, ma'am.
+Pray, what did he teach?" "Wa'al, he told 'em that this 'ere airth
+was _reound_, and went areound; and all that sort 'o thing. Now,
+master, what do _you_ think about sich stuff? Don't you think he was
+an ignorant feller?" Unwilling to come under the category of the
+ignorami, the teacher evasively remarked: "It really did seem strange;
+but still there are many learned men who teach these things." "Wa'al,"
+says she, "if the airth is reound, and goes reound, what holds it
+_up_?" "Oh, these learned men say that it goes around the sun, and
+that the sun holds it up by virtue of the law of attraction." The old
+lady lowered her "specs," and, by way of climax, responded: "Wa'al,
+if these high larn't men sez the sun holds up the airth, _I should
+like tu know what holds the airth up when the sun goes down_!"
+
+
+GRIEVING FOR A WIFE.--302.
+
+A man in New Hampshire had the misfortune recently to lose his wife.
+Over the grave he caused a stone to be placed, on which, in the depth
+of his grief, he had ordered to be inscribed--"Tears cannot restore
+her, therefore I weep."
+
+
+WHAT IRISHMEN DO!--303.
+
+George Penn Johnson, one of our most eloquent stump speakers, who
+loves a good thing too well to let it slip upon any occasion,
+addressing a meeting where it was a great point to obtain the Irish
+vote, after alluding to the native American party in no flattering
+terms, inquired, "Who dig our canals? Irishmen. Who build our
+railroads? Irishmen. (Great applause.) Who build all our gaols?
+Irishmen. (Still greater applause.) Who fill all our gaols? Irishmen!"
+This capping climax, if it did not bring down the house, did the Irish
+in a rush for the stand. Johnson did not wait to receive them.
+
+
+SAD SCARCITY OF PAPER.--304.
+
+Paper is so scarce in the South that the editor of the _Morning
+Traitor_ writes his editorials with stolen chalk on the sole of his
+boot, and goes barefooted while his boy sets up the manuscript!
+
+
+THE DATE WANTED.--305.
+
+At a concert recently, at the conclusion of the song, "There's a Good
+Time Coming," a country farmer got up and exclaimed, "Say, mister, you
+couldn't fix the date, could you?"
+
+
+THE HEIGHT OF MEANNESS.--306.
+
+The meanest fellow in Onondaga county is a fellow who once had the
+plate of his grandmother's coffin made over into a tobacco-box.
+
+
+COLUMBUS'S DISCOVERY.--307.
+
+A country editor thinks that Columbus is not entitled to much credit
+for discovering America, as the country is so large he could not well
+have missed it.
+
+
+THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT.--308.
+
+One of the American papers observes of Mr. Wentworth, a member of
+Congress for a district of Illinois, that "he is so tall, that when
+he addresses the people, instead of mounting a stump, as is usual in
+the West, they have to dig a hole for him to stand in!" Another paper,
+which goes the whole ticket against Mr. Wentworth, politely observes
+that they "dig a hole for him not because he is tall, but because he
+never feels at home except when he is up to his chin in dirt."
+
+
+COOLNESS.--309.
+
+He would eat oysters while his neighbour's house was in flames--always
+provided that his own was insured. Coolness! he's a piece of marble
+carved into a broad grin.
+
+
+NAMING CHILDREN IN AMERICA.--310.
+
+On Long Island, a Mr. Crabb named a child
+"Through-much-tribulation-we-enter-into-the-kingdom-of-Heaven
+Crabb." The child went by the name of Tribby. Scores of such names
+could be cited. In Saybrook, Connecticut, is a family by the name
+of Beman, whose children are successively named as follows:--1.
+Jonathan Hubbard Lubbard Hunk Dan Dunk Peter Jacobus Lackny Christian
+Beman. 2. Prince Fredrick Henry Jacob Zaccheus Christian Beman. 3.
+Queen Caroline Sarah Rogers Ruhamah Christian Beman. 4. Charity
+Freelove Ruth Grace Mercy Truth Faith and Hope and Peace Pursue
+I'll-have-no-more-to-do-for-that-will-go-clear-through-Christian Beman.
+
+
+A POLITE MAN.--311.
+
+"My deceased uncle," says an American writer, "was the most polite
+man in the world. He was making a voyage on the Mississippi and the
+boat sank. My uncle was just on the point of drowning. He got his
+head above water for once, took off his hat, and said, 'Ladies and
+gentlemen, will you please excuse me?' and down he went."
+
+
+FINE WRITING.--312.
+
+We like fine writing when it is properly applied, so we appreciate
+the following burst of eloquence:--"As the ostrich uses both legs and
+wings when the American courser bounds in her rear--as the winged
+lightnings leap from the heavens when the thunderbolts are loosed--so
+does a little boy run when a big dog is after him."
+
+
+"MAILS" AND FEMALES.--313.
+
+A New England postmaster complains that too much courting goes on in
+his office. The females give him more trouble than the "mails."
+
+
+AN UNKIND REMINDER.--314.
+
+A negro boy was driving a mule, when the animal suddenly stopped short
+and refused to move. "Won't go, eh?" said the boy; "feel grand, do
+you? I s'pose you forget your fader was a jackass."
+
+
+"CLIMACTERIC SUBLIMITY."--315.
+
+The following peroration to an eloquent harangue, addressed to
+a jury by a lawyer in Ohio, is a rare specimen of climacteric
+sublimity:--"And now the shades of night had shrouded the earth
+in darkness. All nature lay wrapped in solemn thought, when these
+defendant ruffians came rushing like a mighty torrent from the hills,
+down upon the abodes of peace, broke open the plaintiff's door,
+separated the weeping mother from her crying infant, and took away--my
+client's rifle, gentlemen of the jury, for which we claim fifteen
+dollars."
+
+
+MORE LAUGHABLE THAN LOGICAL.--316.
+
+A temperance lecturer, in addressing an audience in Boston, said,
+"Parents, you have children, or, if you have not, your daughters may
+have."
+
+
+THE LAW OF COMPENSATION.--317.
+
+Joe being rather remiss in his Sunday-school lesson, the teacher
+remarked that he hadn't a very good memory. "No, ma'am," said he,
+hesitating, "but I have got a first-rate forgettery!"
+
+
+COULDN'T MAKE AN IMPRESSION.--318.
+
+A little boy, of four years, who had been lectured by his aunt on the
+evil of disobedience to parents, was shown the example of a boy who
+disobeyed his mother, and went to the river and got drowned. "Did he
+die?" said Bobby, who had given the story due attention. "Yes," was
+the serious reply. "What did they do with him?" asked Bobby, after a
+moment's reflection. "Carried him home," replied his aunt, with due
+solemnity. After turning the matter over in his mind, as it was hoped
+profitably, he looked up and closed the conversation by asking, "Why
+didn't they chuck him in again."
+
+
+THE MINISTER'S RECEPTION.--319.
+
+A certain lady one day had been much annoyed by the ringing of her
+door-bell by the mischievous boys in the vicinity, and determined to
+be made no more a fool of by going to the door. In the course of the
+forenoon, however, her minister called to see her, dressed in his
+nicest manner. He ascended the steps, and gently drew the bell-handle,
+when the lady shouted from the entry--"I see you, my boy! if I catch
+you I'll wring your neck!" The affrighted gentleman rushed down the
+steps through a crowd of young scamps, and was not seen at the lady's
+house again.
+
+
+PRINTERS' MISTAKES.--320.
+
+During the Mexican war, one newspaper hurriedly announced an important
+item of news from Mexico, that General Pillow and thirty-seven of his
+men had been lost in a _bottle_. Some other paper informed the public
+not long ago "that a man in a brown surtout was yesterday brought
+before the police court, on a charge of having stolen a small _ox_
+from a lady's workbag. The stolen property was found in his waistcoat
+pocket." "A _rat_" says another paper, "descending the river, came
+in contact with a steamboat, and so serious was the injury done to
+the boat that great exertions were necessary to save it." An English
+paper once stated that the Russian General Raekinoffkowsky "was found
+dead with a long _word_ in his mouth." It was, perhaps, the same paper
+that, in giving a description of a battle between the Poles and the
+Russians, said that "the conflict was dreadful, and the enemy was
+repulsed with great _laughter_." Again: "A gentleman was yesterday
+brought up to answer the charge of having _eaten_ a stage driver for
+demanding more than his fare. At the late Fourth of July dinner, in
+the town of Charlestown, none of the poultry were eatable except the
+_owls_."
+
+
+PLAIN ENOUGH.--321.
+
+A Western editor, in reply to a contemporary, says to him, "The fact
+is as evident as the nose on your face, or the whisky blossoms on the
+countenance of your Mayor."
+
+
+ONE OF THE PRESS.--322.
+
+A very fat man having taken his seat in an omnibus already crowded, to
+the great annoyance of the passengers, several, with partial breathing
+and muttering lips, inquired who such a lump of flesh as the new comer
+could be. "I don't know," said a wag, "but, judging from the effect he
+produces, I should suppose him a member of the Press."
+
+
+ANOTHER BURST OF ELOQUENCE.--323.
+
+In a stump speech somewhere out West--the usual locality--a windy
+orator recently got up before an assemblage of his intelligent
+countrymen, and said: "Sir, after much reflection, consideration, and
+examination, I have calmly, deliberately, and carefully come to the
+determined conclusion, that in cities where the population is very
+large there are a greater number of men, women, and children, than in
+cities where the population is less. And I firmly believe there is not
+a man, woman, or child in all this vast assembly that has reached the
+age of fifty or upwards but has felt this mighty truth rolling through
+his breast for centuries."
+
+
+THE REASON WHY.--324.
+
+An American wag says that the reason why more marriages take place in
+winter than in summer is because the gentlemen require comforters and
+the ladies muffs.
+
+
+THE CLERGYMAN AND THE LAWYER.--325.
+
+The following incident is of recent date, and the witness was a
+clergyman. Scene, a crowded court: trial, an action on the warranty of
+a horse, commonly called a horse cause. Witness, a clergyman, who was
+sworn in his examination-in-chief that in his opinion the horse was
+sound.--Counsel: Well, you don't know anything about horses. You're a
+parson, you know.--Witness: I have a good deal of knowledge respecting
+horses.--Counsel: You think you have, I dare say, but we may think
+otherwise. I wonder, now, whether you know the difference between a
+horse and a cow.--Witness: Yes, I dare say I do.--Counsel: Now, then,
+tell the jury the difference between a horse and a cow.--Witness:
+Gentlemen, one great difference between these two animals is, that
+the one has horns and the other has not; much the same difference,
+gentlemen, that exists between a _bull_ and a _bully_ (turning to
+counsel). (Roars of laughter, Judge joining.)--Counsel (very angrily):
+I dare say you thought that very funny, sir?--Witness: Well, I don't
+think it was bad, and several of the audience seem to be of the same
+opinion.
+
+
+EDITORIAL FIX.--326.
+
+A Western editor must be in a bad fix. Having dunned a subscriber for
+his subscription, he not only refused to pay, but threatened to flog
+the editor if he stopped the paper.
+
+
+A MEAT BABY.--327.
+
+A wee little girl in Boston besought her mother, when she was
+going out shopping the other day, to bring her home a baby. The
+indulgent parent selected a pretty doll, and on her return made the
+presentation, expecting to see her daughter greatly pleased with it.
+But the precious child could hardly keep the tears from her eyes, as
+she disappointedly exclaimed, "I don't want that--I want a _meat_
+baby!"
+
+
+THE LAPSE OF AGES.--328.
+
+An exchange asks, very innocently, if it is any harm for young ladies
+to sit in the lapse of ages? Another replies, that it all depends on
+the kind of ages selected. Those from eighteen to twenty-five it puts
+down as extra hazardous.
+
+
+PERILS OF THE "FOURTH ESTATE."--329.
+
+It takes three editors to start a paper in New Orleans--one to get
+killed in a duel, one to die with the yellow fever, and one to write
+an obituary of the defunct two.
+
+
+MODEL ADVERTISEMENTS.--330.
+
+Model of First-rate Advertisements for a Modern High-Pressure
+Sentimental Novel:--
+
+Startling, terrific, paralyzing.--_Ditchville Chronicle._
+
+We understand that the publishers of this extraordinary work, in
+consequence of the immense demand, were obliged to issue three
+editions at once, and that the united energies of steam and manual
+labour in New York, have in vain been employed to satisfy the
+incessant applications for it. On various occasions the police have
+been called in to protect the booksellers against the insolence of
+disappointed customers, while several suits for libel are pending
+against persons who, in a paroxysm of rage, have vented their spleen
+on the innocent authoress. The excitement has reached a fearful
+pitch, and all business has been brought to a stand by the absorbing
+devotion of the public to this great work of genius. In some cases
+the engineers on the railroads, in perusing it, have been so lost to
+a sense of duty, as to let the fires of their locomotives go out,
+and cause the stoppage of trains for hours. Porters may be seen
+sitting on their wheelbarrows at every corner enjoying its contents.
+Omnibus horses are growing fat from the refusal of drivers to ply the
+lash, until they have read it through, line by line, to the fearful
+catastrophe of the last page, and even the clamorous voice of the
+newsboy is no longer heard, for he sits crouching over its fascinating
+pages in his cheerless garret. On the first day of the sale, the
+doors of the book-stores were strongly barricaded, extra clerks were
+provided, and yet, despite these precautions, fearful riots took place
+among the contending crowd, in which, as the historians say, "neither
+age, sex, nor condition were respected." The truth is, that if many
+more such books are written in the country, there is great danger
+that agriculture, commerce, and manufactures will be abandoned, and
+we shall become nothing else than a nation of novel readers.--_The
+Flambeau of Literature._
+
+
+NOT PARTICULAR.--331.
+
+A Western editor says:--"Wood, chips, coke, coal, corn-cobs,
+feathers, rosin, sawdust, shavings, splinters, dry leaves, old rags,
+fence-rails, barn-doors, flints, or anything that will burn or strike
+fire, taken on subscription at this office."
+
+
+TRUE AMERICAN PATRIOTISM.--332.
+
+A Down-Easter thus distinguishes between different sorts of
+patriotism:--"Some esteem it sweet to die for one's country; but most
+of our patriots hold it sweeter still to live _upon_ one's country."
+
+
+POETICAL PATCHWORK.--333.
+
+     Rock'd in the cradle of the deep,
+       Old Casper's work was done;
+     Piping on hollow reeds to his pent sheep,
+       Charge, Chester, charge! On, Stanley, on!
+
+     There was a sound of revelry by night,
+       On Linden, when the sun was low;
+     A voice replied, far up the height,
+       Tall oaks from little acorns grow.
+
+     What, if a little rain should say,
+       I have not loved the world, nor the world me!
+     Ah! well a-day;
+       Woodman spare that tree!
+
+     My heart leaps up with joy to see
+       A primrose by the water's brim;
+     Zaccheus, he did climb that tree;
+       Few of our youth could cope with him.
+
+     The prayer of Ajax was for light,
+       The light that never was on sea or shore;
+     Pudding and beef make Britons fight;
+       Never more!
+
+     Under a spreading chestnut tree,
+       For hours the gither, sat
+     I and my Annabel Lee;
+       A man's a man for a' that.
+
+     Truth crush'd to earth shall rise again,
+       And waste its sweetness on the desert air;
+     In thunder, lightning, or in rain,
+       None but the brave deserve the fair.
+
+     Tell me not in mournful numbers,
+       The child is father of the man;
+     Hush, my dear, lie still in slumber.
+       They can conquer who believe they can.
+
+     A change came o'er the spirit of my dream;
+       Whatever is, is right,
+     And things are not what they seem;
+       My native land, good night!
+
+
+SO HUMANE.--334.
+
+A lady in Brooklyn is known to be so humane that she will not allow
+even her carpet to be beaten; and was frightfully shocked on hearing a
+boy, who was relating a story about a donkey, tell his comrades to cut
+his tail short. She actually fainted away when a relative said he had
+been killing time.
+
+
+THE LYING AT THE TOP.--335.
+
+"Truth lies at the bottom of the well." All very well, as long as it
+stays there; but it is the lying at the top and thereabouts that does
+all the mischief!
+
+
+"BRAGGIN' SAVES ADVERTISIN'."--336.
+
+"Well," said the doctor, "I didn't want to put myself forward, for it
+ain't pleasant to speak of oneself." "Well, I don't know that," sais
+I; "I ain't above it, I assure you. If you have a horse to sell, put
+a thunderin' long price on him, and folks will think he must be the
+devil and all; and if you want people to vally you right, appraise
+yourself at a high figure. Braggin' saves advertisin'. I always do it;
+for, as the Nova Scotia magistrate said, who sued his debtor before
+himself, 'What's the use of being a justice, if you can't do yourself
+justice.'"--_Sam Slick._
+
+
+CONCLUSIVE.--337.
+
+A story that General Hooker has been left immensely rich by the
+death of a Mexican wife is thus disposed of by the San Francisco
+_Atta_:--"1st, General Hooker's wife was not rich when he married her,
+nor at any other time. 2nd, General Hooker's wife was not a Mexican.
+3rd, General Hooker's wife is not dead. 4th, General Hooker never had
+a wife. 5th, General Hooker is not a Croesus, never was, and never
+will be."
+
+
+VERDICT OF A NEGRO JURY.--338.
+
+"We, the undersigned, being a Kurnet's Juray to sit on de body of de
+nigger Sambo, now dead and gone before us, hab been sittin' on de said
+nigger aforesaid, did on de night of de fusteenth of November, come to
+def by falling from de bridge ober the riber in de said riber, whar we
+find he was subsequently drowned, and afterwards washed on the riber
+side, whar we s'pose he was frose to death."
+
+
+VERY CIVIL WAR.--339.
+
+On our left, where our lines were close to the rebs, two videttes from
+opposite sides were moved out towards the same tree. After remaining
+for some time near the tree unknown to each other, our vidette
+discovered that he had lost his cap-box, and commenced calling for the
+corporal. After calling several times without effect, the reb vidette
+called out, "I say, Yank, what's the matter on your side of the tree?"
+The "Yank" immediately replied that he wanted to go for some water.
+"Well, go ahead," answered "Johnny;" "I'll watch both sides till you
+come back."
+
+
+A REAL HEAVY GALE.--340.
+
+"Was you ever in a real heavy gale of wind?" "Warn't I," said I; "the
+fust time I returned from England it blew great guns all the voyage,
+one gale after another, and the last always wuss than the one before.
+It carried away our sails as fast as we bent them." "That's nothing
+unusual," said Cutter; "there are worse things than that at sea."
+"Well, I'll tell," sais I, "what it did; and if that ain't an uncommon
+thing, then my name ain't Sam Slick. It blew all the hair off my dog,
+except a little tuft atween his ears."
+
+
+AN APPROPRIATE GIFT.--341.
+
+The _New York Atlas_ says:--"Judge Kelly and other citizens of
+Philadelphia have presented a medal to President Lincoln. The
+medallion has the bust of Washington on one side, and that of Mr.
+Lincoln on the other. The peculiar felicity of this design is apparent
+to the most obtuse. Washington was a patriot and a hero, and Lincoln
+is unquestionably _the reverse_. It seems somewhat superfluous,
+however, to strike a medal to perpetuate the knowledge of a fact so
+indisputable."
+
+
+THE CROOKED STICK.--342
+
+     Maria, just at twenty, swore
+     That no man less than six feet four
+       Should be her chosen one;
+     At thirty, she was glad to fix
+     A spouse exactly four feet six,
+       As better far than none.
+
+
+A SPARE GIRL.--343.
+
+"I never," says Sam Slick, "see so spare a gal since I was raised.
+Pharaoh's lean kine warn't the smallest part of a circumstance to her.
+She was so thin, she actilly seemed as if she would have to lean agin
+the wall to support herself when she scolded, and I had to look twice
+at her before I could see her at all, for I warn't sure _she warn't
+her own shadow_."
+
+
+NEW WAY TO AFFIX A STAMP.--344.
+
+"You remind me," says I, "of a feller in Slickville, when the six-cent
+letter-stamps came in fashion. He licked the stamp so hard, he took
+all the gum off, and it wouldn't stay on nohow he could fix it, so
+what does he do but put a pin through it, and writes on the letter,
+'Paid, if the darned thing will only stick.'"--_Sam Slick._
+
+
+THE ORIGINAL BROTHER JONATHAN.--345.
+
+When General Washington, after being appointed Commander of the Army
+of Revolutionary War, came to Massachusetts to organize it, and make
+preparations for the defence of the country, he found a great want of
+ammunition and other means necessary to meet the powerful foe he had
+to contend with, and great difficulty to obtain them. If attacked in
+such condition, the cause at once might be hopeless. On one occasion,
+at that anxious period, a consultation of the officers and others was
+held, when it seemed no way could be devised to make such preparations
+as were necessary. His Excellency Jonathan Trumbull, the elder, was
+then Governor of the State of Connecticut, on whose judgment and aid
+the general placed the greatest reliance, and remarked: "We must
+consult 'Brother Jonathan' on the subject." The general did so, and
+the governor was successful in supplying many of the wants of the
+army. When difficulties arose, and the army was spread over the
+country, it became a by-word, "We must consult Brother Jonathan." The
+term Yankee is still applied to a portion, but "Brother Jonathan" has
+become a designation of the whole country, as John Bull is for England.
+
+
+THOUGHTFUL MOTHERS.--346.
+
+It is said that some mothers in America are grown so affectionate that
+they give their children chloroform previous to whipping them.
+
+
+GRACE ONCE FOR ALL.--347.
+
+Benjamin Franklin, when a child, found the long graces used by his
+father before and after meals very tedious. One day after the winter's
+provisions had been salted, "I think father," said Benjamin, "if you
+were to say _grace_ over the whole cask once for all, it would be a
+great saving of time."
+
+
+PAINTING TO THE LIFE.--348.
+
+Slick says: "I think, without bragging, I may say I can take things
+off to the life. Once I drawed a mutton chop so nateral, my dog broke
+his teeth in tearing the panel to pieces to get at it; and at another
+time I painted a shingle so like stone, when I threw it into the
+water, it sunk right kerlash to the bottom."
+
+
+COLUMBUS AND THE EGG.--349.
+
+Columbus, speaking with great humility of his discovery of America,
+some of the company spoke in very depreciating terms of the
+expedition. "There is no more difficulty," replied Columbus, "than
+in putting this egg on its end." They tried the experiment, and all
+failed. Columbus, breaking a little off the end, set it upright. The
+company sneered at the contrivance. "Thus," observed Columbus, "a
+thing appears very easy after it is done."
+
+
+THE HEAVENLY "BODIES."--350.
+
+"Mamma, mamma," cried a little one, whose early hour of retirement
+had not permitted much study of the starry heavens, "here is the moon
+come, and brought a sight of little babies with her!"
+
+
+THE HAPPIEST OF VOWELS.--351.
+
+One of the neatest and latest conundrums is as follows:--"Why is i the
+happiest of vowels? Because it is in the midst of bliss; e is in hell,
+and all the others in purgatory."
+
+
+A TOUGH YANKEE.--352.
+
+A friend writes of a Yankee boasting an inveterate hatred of
+everything British, living in a neighbouring city with a colonist
+family. He takes every opportunity to have a slap at Brother Bull, and
+the colonist does what he can to defend the venerable gentleman. "You
+are arguing," said the colonist, "against your ancestors." "No, I'm
+not." "Who was your father?" "A Yankee." "Who were your forefathers?"
+"Yankees." "Who were Adam and Eve?" "Yankees, by thunder!"
+
+
+USED TO IT.--353.
+
+Major N----, upon being asked if he was seriously hurt at the bursting
+of a boiler on a steamboat, replied that he was not, as he had been
+blowed up so many times by his wife that a mere steamboat explosion
+had no effect upon him whatever.
+
+
+QUOTING HIS FATHER.--354.
+
+A broker, whose mind was always full of quotations, was asked a few
+days since how old his father was. "Well," said he, abstractedly, "he
+is quoted at eighty, but there is every prospect he will reach par,
+and possibly be at a premium."
+
+
+WHY THE WAR GOES ON.--355.
+
+The soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the inhabitants of
+that place, on their first arrival, by telling them yarns, of which
+the following is a sample:--"Some time ago Jeff Davis got tired of the
+war, and invited President Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground to
+discuss the terms of peace. They met accordingly, and, after a talk,
+concluded to settle the war by dividing the territory and stopping the
+fighting. The North took the Northern States, and the South the Gulf
+and sea-board Southern States. Lincoln took Texas and Missouri, and
+Davis Kentucky and Tennessee; so that all were parcelled off excepting
+Arkansas. Lincoln didn't want it--Jeff wouldn't have it. Neither would
+consent to take it, and on that they split; and the war has been going
+on ever since."
+
+
+WHAT U. S. STANDS FOR.--356.
+
+The _New York Herald_ puts forward General Grant as Democratic
+candidate for the Presidency, on the ground that U. S. stands
+for--Ulysses S. Grant, Union Sustaining Grant, Unconditional Surrender
+Grant, Uncle Sam Grant, United States Grant, Unparalleled Success
+Grant, Unabridged Seizure Grant, Union Saver Grant, Undeniable
+Superior Grant, Unflinching Surmounter Grant, Undaunted Soldier Grant,
+Understanding Secession Grant, Use Sambo Grant, Unshackle Slave
+Grant, Ultimate Subjugation Grant, Uncommon Smart Grant, Unequalled
+Smasher Grant, Utterly Solid Grant, Utmost Safety Grant, Unrivalled
+System Grant, Unexceptionably Scientific Grant, Undertake Sure Grant,
+Unbounded Spunk Grant, Universal Sanitive Grant, Unadulterated
+Saltpetre Grant, Uniform Succeeder Grant, Undisputed Sagacity Grant,
+Unabated Siege Grant, Unbending Super-excellence Grant, Unexampled
+Skill Grant, Undoubtedly Spunky Grant, Unprecedented Sardine
+Grant; and, what is best of all, he belongs to US, and will be the
+Unanimously Selected Grant for the next Presidency.
+
+
+A WISE FOOL.--357.
+
+A man brought before a justice of the peace in Vermont, charged with
+some petty offence, pleaded in extenuation a natural infirmity. "I
+should have made a considerable figure in the world, judge," he said,
+"if I hadn't been a fool; it's a dreadful pull back to a man."
+
+
+"OLD BRAINS."--358.
+
+One of the daily papers of New York made an amusing typographical
+error in its publication of General Halleck's report of war
+operations. The general, who enjoys the _sobriquet_ of "Old Brains,"
+wrote in depreciation of the immense cost of army transportation,
+and made out a case for himself by saying that "our trains have been
+materially reduced during the year." Imagine his disgust when he found
+the boast printed "our _brains_ have been materially reduced!" Artemus
+Ward might add: "N.B.--This is sarkasm."
+
+
+THE GOVERNOR AND THE JUSTICE.--359.
+
+William Penn and Thomas Story once sheltered themselves from a shower
+of rain in a tobacco house, the owner of which said to them: "You
+enter here without leave; do you know who I am? I am a justice of the
+peace." To which Story replied: "My friend here makes such things as
+thee; he is Governor of Pennsylvania."
+
+
+AN ENTHUSIASTIC NEWSVENDOR.--360.
+
+An amusing incident occurred one day in front of General Turner's
+lines. A sergeant stepped out from our rifle-pits, and moved towards
+the enemy, waving a late paper, regardless of the probability that
+he would at any moment be shot. A rebel officer shouted to him to go
+back, but the sergeant was unmindful of the warning, and asked, "Won't
+you exchange newspapers?" "No," said the rebel, "I have no paper, I
+want you to go back." With singular persistence the sergeant continued
+to advance, saying, "Well, if you haint a paper, I reckon some of
+your men have, and I want to exchange, I tell you." "My men have not
+got anything of the kind, and you must go back," said the officer in
+a louder tone, and with great emphasis. Nothing daunted, the Yankee
+sergeant still advanced, until he stood plumply before the indignant
+officer, and said, "I tell ye now you needn't get your dander up. I
+don't mean no harm no way. P'raps if ye aint got no newspapers ye
+might give me suthin else. Maybe your men would like some coffee
+for some tobacco. I'm dreadful anxious for a trade." The astonished
+officer could only repeat his command, "Go back, you rascal, or
+I'll take you prisoner. I tell you we have nothing to exchange, and
+we don't want anything to do with you Yankees." The sergeant said
+ruefully, "Well, then, if you haint got nothin', why, here's the paper
+any way, and if you get one from Richmond this afternoon you can send
+it over. You'll find my name thar on that." The man's impudence or
+the officer's eagerness for news made him accept. He took the paper,
+and asked the sergeant what was the news from Petersburg. "Oh, our
+folks say we can go in there just when we want to, but we are willing
+to gobble all you fellows first," was the reply. "Well, I don't know
+but what you can do it!" said the lieutenant, turning on his heel and
+re-entering his rifle-pits; "meanwhile, my man, you had better go
+back." This time the sergeant obeyed the oft-repeated order, and, on
+telling his adventure, was the hero of the morning among his comrades.
+
+
+PROFITLESS PREACHING.--361.
+
+The hat was passed round in a certain congregation in New York for
+the purpose of taking up a collection. After it had made the circuit
+of the church it was handed to the minister, who, by the way had
+"exchanged pulpits" with the regular preacher, and he found not a cent
+in it. He inverted his hat over the pulpit cushion, and shook it, that
+its emptiness might be known; then looking towards the ceiling, he
+exclaimed, with great fervour, "I thank Heaven that I got back my hat
+from this congregation."
+
+
+NOT FOR WANT.--362.
+
+An Irishman being asked why he left his country for America, replied,
+"It wasn't for want; I had plenty of that at home."
+
+
+SAM SLICK ON HAPPINESS.--363.
+
+It takes a great deal to make happiness, for everything must be in
+time, like a piano; but it takes very little to spoil it. Fancy
+a bride, now, having a toothache, or a swelled face during the
+honeymoon. In courtship she won't show, but in marriage she can't help
+it.
+
+
+A LAGGING COMPLIMENT.--364.
+
+An American editor once, in attempting to compliment General Pillow
+as a "battle-scarred veteran," was made by the typos to call him a
+"battle-scared veteran." In the next issue the mistake was so far
+corrected as to style him a "bottle-scarred veteran."
+
+
+WEDLOCK FIRST INSTITUTED.--365.
+
+Wedlock was first instituted in Paradise. Well, there must have been a
+charming climate there. It could not have been too hot, for Eve never
+used a parasol, or even a "kiss-me-quick;" and Adam never complained,
+though he wore no clothes, that the sun blistered his skin. It could
+not have been wet, or they would have coughed all the time, like
+consumptive sheep; and it would have spoiled their garden, let alone
+giving them the chilblains and the snuffles. They didn't require
+umbrellas, uglies, fans, or india-rubber shoes. There was no such a
+thing as a stroke of the sun, or a snow-drift there. The temperature
+must have been perfect, and connubial bliss I allot was rael jam up.
+The only thing that seemed wanting there was for some one to drop in
+to tea now and then, for Eve to have a good chat with, while Adam was
+a studyin' astronomy, or tryin' to invent a kettle that would stand
+fire; for women do like talking, that's a fact, and there are many
+little things they have to say to each other that no man has any right
+to hear, and if he did he couldn't understand.--_Sam Slick._
+
+
+A STRIKING LESSON.--366.
+
+A canal boat was once passing through a narrow lock on the Erie line,
+and the captain hailed the passengers and said, "Look out!" Well,
+a Frenchman thinking something strange was to be seen, popped his
+head out, and it was cut off in a minute. "Oh, _mon Dieu_!" said his
+comrade, "dat is a very _striking_ lesson in English. On land look out
+means open the window, and see what you will see. On board canal boat
+it means have your head in, and don't look at nothin."--_Sam Slick._
+
+
+A DISINTERESTED LIEUTENANT.--367.
+
+"Feller sogers," said a newly-elected lieutenant of the militia, "I
+am all-fired obliged to you for this shove-up in the ranks you have
+given me. Feller sogers, I'm not going to forget your kindness soon,
+not by a darned sight; and I'll tell you what it is, I'll stick to my
+post like pitch to a pine-board, so long as ther's peace; but as I go
+in for rotation in office, and if we should come to blows with the
+British, darned if I don't resign right off, and give every feller a
+fair shake for fame and glory."
+
+
+CLAIMING AND TAKING EXEMPTION.--368.
+
+THE _Steuben Courier_ says that a man walked forty miles to claim
+exemption from the war-draft, on the ground of inability to stand
+long marches and the hardships of camp life.--A man named Jefferson
+Davis was drafted in New Bedford on Tuesday last. We hope that he
+may be able to go, and be in at the death of his illustrious rebel
+namesake.--Seven of the waiters in one of the popular hotels of Boston
+were the victims of the draft, but the next morning after their names
+had been drawn from the wheel of the Provost-Marshal, they had all
+skedaddled to parts unknown, and have not been heard of since.--There
+were two Mike Sullivans, the _Boston Herald_ says, living at Fort
+Hill, and neither had any other distinction. One of them was drafted,
+but which of them neither could tell, nor any one else. One of them
+was called upon by a friend, who inquired if he was the Michael
+Sullivan who had been drafted. "Yes," said Mike, "I suppose I am."
+"Are you sure of that, now?" exclaimed Mike's friend. "How the
+divil do you know but you axe the other Mike Sullivan?"--A laughable
+circumstance took place in the Fourteenth Ward, Philadelphia, during
+the drafting. Everything was going on quietly, and good humour
+appeared to be depicted upon every countenance. Among the many
+hundreds that were there was a pale-faced son of the Emerald Isle,
+gazing on the wheel, and at every revolution gasping for breath. Of a
+sudden, losing all control of himself, he burst out: "Wherl it round!
+wherl it round!--rouse it, will ye!" "What's the matter with you?"
+said the Provost-Marshal. "Oh, be jabers, turn it round a dozen times,
+for that man you drawed last is my next door neighbour."
+
+
+GREAT SCARCITY.--369.
+
+Speaking of the great scarcity of provisions down South, a Northern
+paper says--"Tea is so scarce in the South that they haven't even
+drawings of it, and there are no grounds for supposing that they have
+any coffee."
+
+
+THE CAPTAIN'S PUDDING.--370.
+
+The following story is told of a Yankee captain and his
+mate:--Whenever there was a plum-pudding made, by the captain's
+orders, all the plums were put into one end of it, and that end placed
+next to the captain, who, after helping himself, passed it to the
+mate, who never found any plums in his part of it. After this game
+had been played for some time, the mate prevailed on the steward
+to place the end which had no plums in it next to the captain. The
+captain no sooner perceived that the pudding had the wrong end turned
+towards him, than picking up the dish, and turning it round, as if
+to examine the china, he said: "This dish cost me two shillings in
+Liverpool;" and put it down, as if without design, with the plum
+end next to himself. "Is it possible?" said the mate, taking up the
+dish. "I shouldn't suppose it was worth more than a shilling." And,
+as if in perfect innocence, he put down the dish with the plums next
+to himself. The captain looked at the mate; the mate looked at the
+captain. The captain laughed; the mate laughed. "I tell you what,
+young one," said the captain, "you've found me out, so we will just
+cut the pudding lengthwise this time, and have the plums fairly
+distributed hereafter."
+
+
+SALARY NOT SO MUCH AN OBJECT, ETC.--371.
+
+Minister used to amuse me beyond anything, poor old soul. Once the
+congregation met, and raised his wages from three to four hundred
+dollars a-year. Well, it nearly set him crazy; it bothered him so he
+could hardly sleep. So, after church was over the next Sunday, he
+said, "My dear brethren, I hear you have raised my salary to four
+hundred dollars. I am greatly obliged to you for your kindness, but I
+can't think of taking it on no account. First, you can't afford it,
+no how you can fix it, and I know it. Secondly, I ain't worth it, and
+you know it; and, thirdly, I am nearly tired to death collecting my
+present income. If I have to dun the same way for that it will kill
+me. I can't stand it; I shall die. No, no, pay me what you allow me
+more punctually, and it is all I ask, or will ever receive."--_Sam
+Slick._
+
+
+ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES.--372.
+
+"Friend Wales,--You remember me. I saw you in Canada a few years
+ago. I remember you, too. I seldim forgit a person. I hearn of
+your marriage to the Princess Alexandry, & ment ter writ you a
+congreetoolatory letter at the time, but I've bin bilding a barn this
+summer, & hain't had no time to write letters to folks. Excoos me. We
+hain't got any daily paper in our town, but we've got a female sewin
+circle, which answers the same purpuss. Numeris changes has tooken
+place since we met in the body politic. The body politic, in fack, is
+sick. I sumtimes think it has got biles, friend Wales. In my country
+we've got a war, while your country manetanes a nootral position! Yes,
+sir, we've got a war, and the troo Patrit has to make sacrifisses.
+I have alreddy given two cousins to the war, and I stand reddy to
+sacrifiss my wife's brother rather'n not see the rebelyin krusht.
+And if wuss cums to wuss I'll shed ev'ry drop of blud my able-bodied
+relatiens has got to prosekoot the war. I think somebody oughter be
+prosekooted, & it may as well be the war as anybody else. My object
+in now addressin' you is to give you sum adwice, friend Wales, about
+managin' your wife, a bizness I've had over thirty years' experience
+in. You had a good weddin. The papers hav a good deal to say about
+'vikins' in connection tharewith. Not knowing what that air, and so
+I frankly tells you, my noble lord dook, I can't 'zactly say whether
+we had 'em or not. We was both very much flustrated. But I never
+enjoyed myself better in my life. Dowtless, your supper was ahead of
+our'n. As regards eatin' uses Baldinsville was allers shaky. But you
+can git a good meal in New York, and cheap, too. You can git half a
+mackrill at Delmonico's or Mr. Mason Dory's, for six dollars, and a
+biled pertaters throwd in. I manidge my wife without any particler
+trouble. When I fust commenst trainin' her I institooted a series of
+experiments, and them as didn't work I abanding'd. You had better do
+similer. There's varis ways of managin' a wife, friend Wales, but the
+best and only safe way is to let her do jist about as she wants to.
+I 'dopted that there plan sum time ago, and it works like a charm.
+Remember me kindly to Mrs. Wales. As yehrs roll by, and accidents
+begin to happen to you--and your responsibilities increase--you will
+agree with me that family joys air the only ones a man can bet on
+with any certinty of winnin'. It may interest you to know that I'm
+prosperin' in a pecoonery pint of view. I make 'bout as much in the
+course of a year as a Cab'net offisser does, and I understan' my
+bizness a good deal better than sum of 'em do. Respects to St. Gorge
+and the Dragon.--'Ever be happy.'"
+
+            "ARTEMUS WARD."
+
+
+PROVIDING FOR BILLS.--373.
+
+Two city merchants conversing upon business at the door of the New
+York Coffee-house, one of them made some remarks on the badness of the
+times; and perceiving at the moment a flight of pigeons passing over
+their heads, he exclaimed, "How happy are those pigeons! they have
+no acceptances to provide for." To which the other replied, "You are
+rather in error, my friend, for _they_ have their _bills to provide
+for_ as well as we!"
+
+
+GENERAL LEE AND A SON OF ERIN.--374.
+
+When General Lee was a prisoner at Albany he dined with an Irishman.
+Before entering upon the wine, the general remarked to his host, that
+after drinking he was apt to abuse Irishmen, for which he hoped the
+host would excuse him in advance. "By my soul, general, I will do
+that," said his host, "if you will excuse a trifling fault which I
+have myself. It is this: whenever I hear a man abusing old Ireland, I
+have a sad fault of cracking his head with my shillaly!" The general
+was civil during the rest of the evening.
+
+
+THE NIAGARA FALLS FROM FOUR POINTS OF VIEW.--375.
+
+Mr. G. A. Sala, describing the Niagara Falls, says:--"A Swiss
+watchmaker observed that he was very glad 'de beautiful ting was
+going.' He looked upon it as some kind of clockwork arrangement, which
+would run down and be wound up again. Everybody knows the story of the
+'cute Yankee who called it 'an almighty water privilege.' It is one,
+and would turn all the mill-wheels in the world. 'Here creation's done
+its d--dest,' remarked another; and, quoth a fourth, 'I guess this
+hyar suckles the ocean sea considerable.'"
+
+
+LOGIC OF CONGRESS.--376.
+
+The House of Representatives at Washington has passed, by a majority
+of seven to one, a resolution which, after stating the existence of
+rebellion, runs thus:--"Resolved, that it is the political, civil,
+moral, and sacred duty of the poople to meet it, fight it, and for
+ever destroy it, thereby establishing perfect and unalterable liberty."
+
+
+COLT'S ARMS _versus_ COLT'S LEGS.--377.
+
+Colt's arms are useful when you want to fight, but if you want to run
+away, colt's legs are better.
+
+
+INFANTILE IDEAS OF DISTANCE.--378.
+
+A happy comment on the annihilation of time and space by locomotive
+agency was made by a little child who rode fifty miles in a railway
+train, and then took a coach to her uncle's house, some five miles
+further, and was asked on her arrival if she came by the cars. "We
+came a little way in the cars, and all the rest of the way in a
+carriage."
+
+
+"DAT'S DE MYSTERY."--379.
+
+Two darkies had bought a mess of pork in partnership, but Sam having
+no place to put his portion in, consented to trust the whole to
+Julius' keeping. The next morning they met, when Sam says--"Good
+mornin', Julius, anything happen strange or mysterious down in your
+vicinity lately?" "Yaas, Sam, most a strange thing happen at my house
+yesterlast night--all mystery, all mystery to me." "Ah, Julius, what
+was dat?" "Well, Sam, I tole you now. Dis morning I went down into the
+cellar for to get a piece of hog for dis darky's breakfast, and I put
+my hand down in de brine and felt all round, but no pork dere--all
+gone. Codn't tell what bewent with it, so I turned up de bar'l, and
+Sam, true as preachin', de rats had eat a hole clar froo de bottom
+of de bar'l, and dragged de pork all out!" Sam was petrified with
+astonishment, but presently said--"Why didn't de brine run out of the
+same hole?" "Ah, Sam, dat's de mystery."
+
+
+OUR BOB.--380.
+
+Judge S---- had a very wild son, named Bob, who was constantly
+on a spree, and upon being brought up once before the court for
+drunkenness, the judge cried out--"Is that _our_ Bob?" _Clerk_: "Yes,
+sir." _Judge_: "Fine the rascal two dollars and costs; I'd make it ten
+dollars, if I didn't know it would come out of my own pocket."
+
+
+SAMBO'S SUSPICION.--381.
+
+A gentleman who holds a responsible position under Government
+concluded to change his lodgings. He sent one of the waiters of the
+hotel where he had selected apartments after his baggage. Meeting the
+waiter an hour or two afterwards, he said--"Well, Sambo, did you bring
+my baggage down?" "No, sah!" blandly responded the sable gentleman.
+"Why, what was the reason?" "Case, sah, the gentleman in de office
+said you had not paid your bill." "Not paid my bill! why, that's
+singular--he knew me very well when he kept the Girard House, in
+Philadelphia." "Well, mebbe," rejoined Sambo, thoughtfully scratching
+his head, "_dat was de reason he wouldn't gib me de baggage_."
+
+
+WHERE THE DUCKS WENT.--382.
+
+A man was brought into one of the New York courts on the charge
+of having stolen some ducks from a farmer. "How do you know they
+are your ducks?" asked the defendant's counsel. "Oh! I should know
+them _anywhere_," said the farmer, who proceeded to describe their
+peculiarities. "Why," said the prisoner's counsel, "those ducks can't
+be such a rare breed--I have some very much like them in my yard."
+"That's not unlikely, sir," said the farmer, "they are not the only
+ducks I've had stolen lately." Call the next witness.
+
+
+NO PLACE LIKE HOME.--383.
+
+A young man, rather verdant, and very sentimental, while making
+himself interesting to a young lady the other evening by quoting from
+the poets, to the other choice and rare extracts he added, "There is
+no place like home." "Do you really think so?" said the young lady.
+"Oh, yes!" was the reply. "Then," said calico, "why don't you stay
+there?"
+
+
+DAMAGING THE ENGINE.--384.
+
+A man was sitting on the track of the New London road, when the train
+came along and pitched him head over heels into the bushes. The train
+stopped and backed to pick up the body, when the man coolly informed
+the conductor, as he brushed the dirt from his coat sleeves, that if
+he "had damaged the engine any he was ready to settle for it," and
+walked off home.
+
+
+A QUAKER WOMAN'S SERMON.--385.
+
+My dear friends, there are three things I very much wonder at. The
+first is, that children should be so foolish as to throw up stones,
+clubs, and brickbats into fruit-trees, to knock down fruit; if they
+would let it alone it would fall itself. The second is, that men
+should be so foolish, and even so wicked, as to go to war and kill
+each other; if let alone they would die themselves. And the third, and
+last, thing that I wonder at is, that young men should be so unwise
+as to go after the young women; if they would stay at home the young
+women would come after them.
+
+
+A DELICATE CUT.--386.
+
+A couple of Albany ecclesiastics were at Saratoga at the time of the
+annual races, which were under the management of Morrissey, the
+famous prize-fighter, gamester, &c. Parson M----, a Baptist clergyman,
+and Father C----, a Catholic priest, are both jolly fellows in an
+innocent way, and, despite their difference of creed, remarkably good
+friends. Meeting each other, M---- said jocosely, as he approached the
+other, "Ah! I understand it, you have come to attend the races!" and
+added, "Do you know Morrissey?" "No," said Father C----, "and I beg
+you won't introduce me."
+
+
+NOVEL TELEGRAPHIC MESSAGE.--387.
+
+The following telegraphic message was sent from an Albany office:--"To
+---- Third Epistle of John, 13th and 14th verses. Signed ----."
+The text referred to is as follows, and makes quite a lengthy and
+understandable letter:--"I had many things to write, but I will not
+with ink and pen write to thee. But I trust I shall shortly see thee,
+and we shall speak face to face. Peace be to thee. Our friends salute
+thee. Greet the friends by name."
+
+
+BREAKFAST IN BED.--388.
+
+A new way of keeping warm has been put in practice with good effect.
+It is to have a buckwheat cake made large enough to cover the
+bed-quilt, and spread over it "piping hot" at the time of retiring.
+When made of sufficient thickness it retains the heat until morning,
+and if a person is too lazy to get up, he can make a very good
+breakfast off the edges as he lies.
+
+
+SHEDDING THEIR LAST DROP OF BLOOD.--389.
+
+"General," said Major Jack Downing, "I always observed that those
+persons who have a great deal to say about being ready to shed their
+last drop of blood, are amazin' pertic'lar about the first drop." We
+have too many of that style of patriots now-a-days.
+
+
+POINTED RETORT.--390.
+
+A politician was boasting in a public speech that he could bring an
+argument to a p'int as quick as any other man. "You can bring a quart
+to a pint a good deal quicker," replied an acquaintance.
+
+
+THE LETTER R.--391.
+
+The letter R is the embodiment of every American patriot's hope,
+because it is the end of war and the commencement of reunion.
+
+
+NOT WILLING TO DIE.--392.
+
+A Jersey man was very sick, and was not expected to recover. His
+friends got around his bed, and one of them says: "John do you
+feel willing to die?" John made an effort to give his views on the
+subject, and answered with his feeble voice: "I--think--I'd rather
+stay--where--I'm better acquainted."
+
+
+HER POOR JERRY.--393.
+
+An old woman received a letter from the post-office, at New York. Not
+knowing how to read, and being anxious to know the contents, supposing
+it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to
+read the letter to her. He accordingly began and read--"Charleston,
+June 23: Dear mother," then making a stop to find out what followed
+(as the writing was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed: "_Oh, 'tis my
+poor Jerry, he always stuttered!_"
+
+
+TALL TALK.--394.
+
+A Kentuckian was once asked what he considered the boundaries of the
+United States. "The boundaries of our country, sir?" he replied. "Why,
+sir, on the north we are bounded by the Aurora Borealis, on the east
+we are bounded by the rising sun, on the south we are bounded by the
+procession of the Equinoxes, and on the west by the Day of Judgment."
+
+
+AN EYE TO BUSINESS.--395.
+
+The Southerners are, of course, not nearly so commercial a race as
+the Yankees, but still they are much given to "trading" amongst each
+other. At an hospital in Gettysburg, an artilleryman, whose leg was to
+be taken off, no sooner knew that the amputation was decided upon by
+the doctors, than he turned to another wounded man in the next bed,
+and, before the operation was performed, had "traded" the boot, which
+was henceforth to be of no use to him.
+
+
+WHAT A FINE WOMAN IS LIKE.--396.
+
+A fine woman is like a locomotive, because she draws a train after
+her, scatters the sparks, and transports the males. If there is any
+one of our hundred thousand readers has anything that can beat the
+above we will be pleased to hear from him.
+
+
+TRUTH WANTED.--397.
+
+Two years ago, at the Spring Term of the District Court at Topeka,
+Kansas, Judge Rush Elmore presiding, a witness was called upon the
+stand. After being sworn, the counsel for the defence said to the
+witness--a tall, green specimen, and somewhat embarrassed--"Now, sir,
+stand up and tell your story like a preacher." "No, _sir_!" roared
+the judge, "none of that; I want you to tell the _truth_!" Just
+imagine the sheriff, deputies, and bailiffs trying to keep "order" and
+"silence."
+
+
+AN IRISH BULL AT BULL'S RUN.--398.
+
+An Irishman, who was at the celebrated battle of Bull's Run, was
+somewhat startled when the head of his companion on the left was taken
+off by a cannon-ball. In a few minutes, however, a spent ball broke
+off the finger of his comrade on the other side. The latter threw
+down his gun and howled with pain, when the Irishman rushed upon him,
+exclaiming, "You owld woman, sthop cryin'! You are making more noise
+about it than the man who just lost his head!"
+
+
+STRONG INDUCEMENT TO CLOSE UP.--399.
+
+A Cincinnati paper, in speaking of the overthrow of the rebels at
+Phillippi, says that just before the Federal troops entered the town,
+a certain Indiana company, almost worn out with the march, were
+straggling along with very little regard to order. Hurrying up to his
+men, the captain shouted, "Close up, close up. _If the enemy were to
+fire when you're straggling along that way, they couldn't hit a cussed
+one of you!_ Close up!" And the boys closed up immediately.
+
+
+STEAM DEFINED.--400.
+
+At a railway station, an old lady said to a very pompous-looking
+gentleman, who was talking about steam communication: "Pray, sir,
+what is steam?" "Steam, ma'am, is ah!--steam, is ah! ah! steam
+is--steam!" "I knew that chap couldn't tell ye," said a rough-looking
+fellow standing by; "but steam is a bucket of water in a tremendous
+perspiration."
+
+
+A "BUS" IN THE CARS.--401.
+
+Friends are in the habit of warmly greeting their acquaintances upon
+the arrival of passenger cars at some of the railway stations. It
+was only the other day that a young gentleman rushed through a crowd
+towards a lady, seized her hand, and gave her a hearty kiss, the smack
+of which sounded above--we were going to say the ding of dongs; but it
+is enough to state that the report startled a country lass hard by,
+who exclaimed to her "feller," "Massy, Josh! what on airth's gev way
+on the keers?"
+
+
+HOUSEHOLD WORDS.--402.
+
+Pshaw! Stop your noise! Shut up this minute! I'll box your ears! You
+hold your tongue! Let me be! Go away! Get out! Behave yourself! I
+won't! You shall! Never mind! You'll catch it! Don't bother! Come here
+directly! Put away those things! You'll kill yourself! I don't care!
+They're mine! Mind your own business! I'll tell ma! You mean thing!
+There, I told you so! You didn't! You did! I will have it! Oh, see
+what you have done! 'Twas you! Won't you catch it, though? It's my
+house! Who's afraid of you? Mah-h-h! Boo, hoo, boo, hoo, oo! What's
+the matter? Clear out of this room, directly! Do you hear me? Dear me!
+I never did see in all my born days! It's enough to set one crazy!
+Would you put a tuck in it? Well, says I! Says he! Says she! Says
+they! Bless me! No! Hem it all this way round! Three flounces! Gored!
+Worked crosswise! Trimmed with velvet! Ten yards? Cut bias! Real
+sweet! Tut! Wal, now!
+
+
+HIS REASONS FOR LEAVING.--403.
+
+On our trip up the river once we had on board a tall, gaunt-looking
+volunteer. His appearance not only indicated that he was lately from
+the hospital, but that it would perhaps have been better for him to
+have remained there still, for he certainly did not seem to be in a
+fit condition to travel. He was from Eastern Ohio, and by some strange
+whim of his comrades (soldiers have odd notions as to name), he had
+won the cognomen of "Beauregard." He was full of dry humour, and it
+had a peculiar zest, coming from such a dilapidated specimen of the
+human kind. I asked him: "How long were you in the hospital at ----?"
+"I stayed just five days; I couldn't stand it any longer." "Why so?
+Were you not well treated?" "Well, you see, when I went in there were
+six patients. The first day they buried one." "Well, what of that?"
+"Nothing--only the very next day they buried another." "They must have
+been severe cases, and made it very unpleasant for you." "Unpleasant!
+I knew my turn would come in time. I went in on Monday, and if I
+stayed I would be carried out on Saturday. So I made my calculation,
+and on Friday I packed my knapsack and went away. If I had not, I'd
+surely been buried on Saturday. Six days--one man each day--could't
+stand that."
+
+
+YOUR FARE, MISS.--404.
+
+The most veracious chroniclers of Chicago relate the experience of a
+young lady from the rural districts of Hoosierdom, who visited the
+Queen City of the West, accompanied by her particular swain, and took
+an appreciative view of the "elephant." Getting into one of the city
+cars for a ride, the maiden took a seat, while the lover planted
+himself on the platform. The graceful vehicle had sped but a few
+short blocks, when the beneficent young conductor insinuated himself
+into the popular chariot, for the purpose of collecting expenses.
+Approaching the rustic maiden, he said, affably, "Your fare, miss."
+The Hoosier rosebud allowed a delicate pink to manifest itself on
+her cheeks, and looked down in soft confusion. The justly popular
+conductor was rather astonished at this, and ventured to remark once
+more--"Your fare, miss." This time the pink deepened to carnation,
+and the maiden fingered her parasol with pretty coquettishness. The
+conductor really didn't know what to make of this sort of thing, and
+began to look a little foolish; but as a small boy at the other end
+of the car began to show signs of a disposition to leave without
+paying for his ride, the official managed to say once more--"Hem!
+miss, your fare." In a moment those lovely violet eyes were looking
+up into his face, through an aurora of blushes, and the rosy lips
+exclaimed--"Well, they dew say I am good-looking at hum, but I
+don't see why you want to say it out loud!" It was not a peal of
+thunder that shook the car just then. Oh, no. It was something that
+commenced in a general passengerical titter, and culminating in such
+a shattering guffaw as Western lungs alone are capable of. In the
+midst of the cachinnatory tempest the "lovyer" came to the rescue of
+his Doxiana; and when the "pint of the hull thing" was explained to
+him, his mouth expanded to proportions that might have made Barnum's
+hippopotamus die of jealousy on the spot. The pair descended from
+the car amid a salvo of Mirth's artillery, and when last seen were
+purchasing artificial sweetness at a candy-shop.
+
+
+AGREEING WITH ALL THE GIRLS.--405.
+
+In a lesson in parsing the sentence, "man, courting capacity of bliss,
+etc.," the word courting comes to a pert young miss of fourteen to
+parse. She commenced hesitatingly, but got along well enough until
+she was to tell what it agreed with. Here she stopped short. But
+as the teacher said, "Very well, what does courting agree with?"
+Ellen blushed, and hung down her head. "Ellen, don't you know what
+that agrees with?" "Ye--ye--yes, sir!" "Well, Ellen, why don't you
+parse that word? What does it agree with?" Blushing still more, and
+stammering, Ellen says, "It a-agrees with _all the girls_, sir!"
+
+
+WHEN THE BOAT STARTED.--406.
+
+A certain green customer, who was a stranger to mirrors, and who
+stepped into the cabin of one of our ocean steamers, stopping in front
+of a large pier glass, which he took for a door, said--"I say, mister,
+when does this here boat start?" Getting no reply from the dumb
+reflection before him, he again repeated--"I say, mister, when does
+this here boat start?" Incensed at the still silent figure, he broke
+out--"You sassafras-coloured, shock-headed bull calf, you don't look
+as if you knew much anyhow."
+
+
+THE BLIND PHRENOLOGIST OF ST. LOUIS.--407.
+
+There is a blind phrenologist in St. Louis who is great on examining
+bumps. A wag or two got one of the distinguished judges, who thinks a
+great deal of himself, and has a very bald head, which he generally
+covers with a wig, to go to his rooms one day, and have his head
+examined. Wags and judge arrive. "Mr. B.," said one, "we have now
+brought you for examination a head as is a head; we wish to test your
+science." "Very well," said the phrenologist, "place the head under
+my hand." "He wears a wig," said one. "Can't examine with that on,"
+replied the professor. Wig was accordingly taken off, and the bald
+head of the highly-expectant judge was placed under manipulation of
+the examiner. "What's this? what this?" said the phrenologist; and
+pressing his hand on the top of the head, he said, somewhat ruffled,
+"Gentlemen, Heaven has visited me with affliction--I have lost my
+eyesight--but I am no fool; _you can't pass this off on me for a
+head_!"
+
+
+CHASING A LOCOMOTIVE.--408.
+
+A friend who lately indulged in a chase after a locomotive declares it
+"the silliest thing a sane man can do." This is his account:--"Rushing
+out from the refreshment-room on the platform, I saw my train moving
+off 'gradually,' with about seventy-five yards the start. I have
+been counted a good runner in my time, and for the first hundred
+yards I gained on it. Then for about a quarter of a mile it was
+'nip and tuck,' at the end of which I concluded that steam was more
+than a match for muscle, and 'caved.' The last I saw of my train it
+was 'going it' around a curve at the rate of twenty-five miles an
+hour, the passengers waving their handkerchiefs at me, and cheering
+vociferously. As I walked sheepishly back to the dépôt, a thought came
+into my head that it _might_ run off the track in going round the
+curve at that rate of speed, and I am afraid that I rather encouraged
+the idea."
+
+
+THE LATEST WAY.--409.
+
+The latest way to pop the question is to ask a fair lady if you can
+have the pleasure of seeing her to the minister's.
+
+
+A GREAT TRAVELLER.--410.
+
+A good story is told of a Washington countryman, who, on his way to
+Cincinnati, became somewhat elevated by sundry "drinks," but, as good
+luck would have it, found a boat at the wharf, and was quickly on his
+way. Soon after leaving the wharf, a man came round for his fare.
+Horrall handed him out a five-dollar bill, and received four dollars
+and ninety-five cents in change. He rammed it into his pocket-book
+with great eagerness, supposing the clerk had made a mistake. That
+done, he leaned back into his chair and fell asleep. A little while
+and he was plucked awake by the same man, who again demanded fare.
+"Discovered the mistake," holding out a handful of change. The man,
+as before, took only five cents, and Horrall again went into a doze.
+Ere he had got fairly into dreaming of home and friends far away,
+around came the collector again, and thus it went on for a long time.
+At last Horrall thought it very inconvenient, and concluded to vote
+the collector a nuisance, and give him a bit of advice besides; so
+he said: "Is (hic) this a da-n-ger (hic) ous (hic) bo-boat?" "By no
+means," said the man. "Bran new." "Then, by gummy, (hic) why do (hic)
+don't you collect all the fa (hic) hair at once--not bo-bother a fel
+(hic) heller for it every mile as it comes due?" "Really," said the
+man, "where do you think you are going?" "Cincin (hic) hinnati," said
+Horrall. "Cincinnati," said the polite conductor, "why you must be
+sadly out of your reckoning. This is the ferry-boat, and all this
+afternoon you have been riding to and fro between New Albany and
+Portland."
+
+
+WHOSE FAULT WAS IT?--411.
+
+A preacher stopped short in a pulpit; it was in vain that he scratched
+his head--nothing would come out. "My friends," said he, as he walked
+quietly down the pulpit stairs, "my friends, I pity you, for you have
+lost a fine discourse."
+
+
+A MODEST LINENDRAPER.--412.
+
+A dealer in ready-made linen advertises his shirts and chemisettes
+under the mellifluous appellation of "Male and Female Envelopes."
+
+
+GONE HOME.--413.
+
+One of the Richmond papers thus pleasantly announces the death of a
+newspaper man in the Libby prison:--"A Yankee reporter gone home to
+write up his reports by the fire."
+
+
+AN INCIDENT AND AN EPIGRAM.--414.
+
+It chanced one evening, at one of the great hotels, that a gentleman,
+seeking in vain for a candle with which to light himself to his room
+at a late hour, passed a young lady who had two candles, of which she
+politely offered him one. He took it and thanked her, and the next
+morning acknowledged the courtesy in the following epigram. Luckily
+for the poet (for his epigram would otherwise have been pointless),
+the young lady was as handsome as she was polite:--
+
+     "You gave me a candle: I give you my thanks,
+       And add--as a compliment justly your due--
+     There isn't a girl in these feminine ranks
+       Who could, if she tried, hold a candle to you!"
+
+
+JUST GOT MARRIED.--415.
+
+The following amusing incident took place upon one of the Ohio river
+steamboats:--While the boat was lying at Cincinnati, just ready to
+start for Louisville, a young man came on board, leading a blushing
+damsel by the hand, and approaching the polite clerk, in a suppressed
+voice; "I say," he exclaimed, "me and my wife have just got married,
+and I'm looking for accommodations." "Looking for a berth?" hastily
+inquired the clerk--passing tickets out to another passenger. "A
+_birth_! thunder and lightning, no!" gasped the astonished man; "_we
+ha'nt but just got married_; we want a place to stay all night, you
+know, and--and a bed."
+
+
+KIND AND SYMPATHETIC.--416.
+
+"What is the matter, my dear?" asked a wife of her husband, who had
+sat half an hour with his face buried in his hands, and apparently
+in great tribulation. "Oh, I don't know," said he; "I have felt like
+a fool all day." "Well," returned the wife, consolingly, "I'm afraid
+you'll never be any better--you look the picture of what you feel!"
+
+
+HUMAN NATURE.--417.
+
+Some wise man sagely remarked, "there is a good deal of human nature
+in man." It crops out occasionally in boys. One of the urchins in the
+school-ship _Massachusetts_, who was quite sick, was visited by a kind
+lady. The little fellow was suffering acutely, and his visitor asked
+him if she could do anything for him. "Yes," replied the patient,
+"read to me." "Will you have a story?" asked the lady. "No," answered
+the boy; "read from the Bible; read about Lazarus;" and the lady
+complied. The next day the visit was repeated, and again the boy asked
+the lady to read. "Shall I read from the Bible?" she inquired. "Oh,
+no," was the reply, "I'm better to-day; _read me a love story_."
+
+
+A YOUNG LADY'S SACRIFICE.--418.
+
+A young lady has been heard to declare that she couldn't go to fight
+for the country, but she was willing to allow the young men to go,
+and die an _old maid_, which she thought was as great a sacrifice as
+_anybody_ could be called upon to make!
+
+
+POETRY AND PROSE.--419.
+
+A country editor, referring to Tupper's line, "A babe in the house is
+a well-spring of pleasure," says, "If it is we prefer to get water
+from the pump."
+
+
+DANIEL WEBSTER AND HIS BILLS.--420.
+
+Our readers are aware that the late Hon. Daniel Webster was not so
+careful in his pecuniary matters as some men, and this fault was at
+times taken advantage of. At one time a man sawed a pile of wood
+for him, and, having presented his bill, it was promptly paid by
+Mr. Webster. The labourer was taken ill during the winter, and a
+neighbour advised him to call upon Mr. Webster for the payment of his
+bill. "But he has paid me," said the man. "No matter," replied his
+dishonest adviser, "call again with it. He don't know, and don't mind
+what he pays. It is a very common thing for him to pay much larger
+bills twice." The man got well, and carried in his account the second
+time. Mr. Webster looked at it, looked at the man, remembered him, but
+paid the bill without demurring. The fellow got "short" some three
+of four months afterwards, and bethought him of the generosity and
+loose manner of Mr. Webster in his money matters, and a third time
+he called and presented the bill for sawing the wood. Mr. Webster
+took the account, which he immediately recognized, and, scanning the
+wood-sawyer a moment, said: "How do you keep your books, sir?" "I keep
+no books" said the man, abashed. "I think you do, sir," continued Mr.
+Webster, with marked emphasis; "and you excel those who are satisfied
+with the double-entry system. You keep your books upon a triple-entry
+plan, I observe." Tearing up the account, Mr. Webster added: "Go, sir,
+and be honest hereafter. I have no objection to paying these little
+bills twice, but I cannot pay them three times. You may retire." The
+man left the room, feeling as though he was suffocating for want of
+air. He had learned a lesson that lasted through life.
+
+
+KEEPING A SECRET.--421.
+
+Of the descendants of the Pilgrims there once lived an old man,
+who, unlike nearly all his brethren, had no particular respect for
+the clergy. Going his accustomed rounds one day, he met a reverend
+gentleman, who, after a few casual remarks on worldly topics, thus
+addressed him:--"Mr. Brown, you have lived long; very few attain your
+age. Would it not be the part of wisdom to attend to your soul's
+concerns immediately? Really, it would rejoice my soul to see you at
+the eleventh hour become a praying Christian." "Well, now, Parson
+Hoyt, my Bible tells me to pray in secret." "Ah, well--yes--but _do_
+you pray in secret?" "Why, now, Parson Hoyt, you know if I should tell
+you, 'twouldn't be any secret, anyhow."
+
+
+MOST TOO SUDDEN.--422.
+
+An old lady, a resident of Providence, who had never ridden in the
+cars, was persuaded, by the combined efforts of the children, James
+and Mary, to accompany them on an excursion, she all the time saying
+that she knew something would happen. She took her seat with fear and
+trembling, taking hold of the arm of the seat next the passage-way.
+The train was late, as excursion trains are usually, and in coming
+round a curve the Boston express train was on the same track, both
+nearing each other faster than was pleasant. The momentum of each
+train was nearly lost, and they came together with a chuck, which
+pitched the old lady on her face in the passage-way between the seats.
+She rose to her hands, and, looking back, asked: "_Jeems, do they
+allus stop like that?_"
+
+
+"ANY RELATIONS?"--423.
+
+The man who collects the names of soldiers for the town records of
+Adams was recently the questioner in the following conversation, the
+lady of the house replying:--"Have you any friends in the war, madam?"
+"No, sir." "Any relations?" "No, sir." "Do you know anybody from this
+neighbourhood who is in the army?" "No, sir." As he was leaving, a
+bright thought struck her, and she rushed to the door, exclaiming:
+"Oh, my husband has gone to the war!"
+
+
+DIDN'T CARE THEN IF HE DID.--424.
+
+A gentleman from Boston chanced to find himself among a little party
+of ladies away down East this summer, in the enjoyment of some
+innocent social play. He carelessly placed his arm about the slender
+waist of as pretty a damsel as Maine can boast of, when she started,
+and exclaimed: "Begone, sir; don't insult me!" The gentleman instantly
+apologized for his seeming rudeness, and assured the half-offended
+fair one that he did not mean to insult her. "No?" she replied,
+archly. "Well, if you didn't, you may do it again."
+
+
+NO JUSTICE IN THAT COURT.--425.
+
+A villanous specimen of humanity was brought into the Police Court
+before Justice Cole, of Albany, charged with having brutally
+assaulted his wife. The charge was substantiated in the clearest and
+most positive manner, and exhibited the most heartless cruelty on the
+husband's part. On his examination before the Justice, he had a good
+deal to say about "getting justice." "Justice!" exclaimed Squire Cole,
+"you can't get it here. This court has no power to hang you!"
+
+
+SENSATIONS OF A DOWN-EASTER.--426.
+
+It has been truly said that "we reckon the progress of our lives by
+sensations, not years," and an anecdote related by a friend very
+happily illustrates the truth of the maxim. A young man "down East"
+was asked his age; to which he answered--"Wal, I don't know exactly,
+but I have had the seven year itch three times."
+
+
+CHANGES.--427.
+
+A young lady, in a class studying physiology, made answer to a
+question put, that in six years a human body became entirely changed,
+so that not a particle which was in it at the commencement of the
+period would remain at the close of it. "Then, Miss L.," said the
+young tutor, "in six years you will cease to be Miss L.?" "Why, yes,
+sir, I suppose so," said she, very modestly looking at the floor.
+
+
+LONGFELLOW AND LONGWORTH.--428.
+
+One of the happiest witticisms on record is related by the Boston
+correspondent of the _Cincinnati Gazette_:--"I heard the other day of
+a _bon mot_ made by Longfellow, the poet. Young Mr. Longworth, from
+your city, being introduced to him, some one present remarked upon the
+similarity of the first syllable of the two names. 'Yes,' said the
+poet, 'but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply:--
+
+"_Worth_ makes the man, the want of it the _fellow_."'"
+
+
+NOVEL PROPOSITION.--429.
+
+It is proposed to light the streets of a Western city with red-headed
+girls. In noticing the fact, a contemporary says, he'd like to play
+tipsy every night, and hang hold of the lamp-posts.
+
+
+INTERESTING ANNOUNCEMENT.--430.
+
+It is with feelings too deep for utterance, and a sense of obligation
+overwhelming, and of worldly consequence never before experienced,
+and with a heartfelt ecstacy heretofore not even dreamed of, that the
+junior editor of this paper announces to his friends, and the rest of
+mankind, that a son was born unto him on the morning of Friday last. A
+general reprieve is granted to all political offenders, and an earnest
+appeal made to those in pecuniary arrears to liquidate at the earliest
+convenience, as the young gentleman must be fed and clothed.
+
+
+EXCUSE FOR DRINKING.--431.
+
+A lady made her husband a present of a silver drinking cup, with an
+angel at the bottom; and when she filled it for him he used to drink
+it to the bottom, and she asked him why he drank every drop. "Because,
+duckey," he said, "I long to see the dear little angel." Upon which
+she had the angel taken out, and had a devil engraved at the bottom;
+and he drank it off just the same, and she again asked him the reason.
+"Why," replied he, "because I won't leave the old devil a drop."
+
+
+TIGHT-FISTED.--432.
+
+The account comes to us of a young man who attends church regularly,
+and clasps his hands so tight during praying time that he can't get
+them open when the contribution box comes round.
+
+
+EDITORS' WIVES WIELDING THE BROOM.--433.
+
+An editor says his attention was first drawn to matrimony by the
+skilful manner in which a pretty girl handled a broom. A brother
+editor says the manner in which his wife handles a broom is not so
+very pleasing.
+
+
+THE WRONG WOMAN.--434.
+
+A Jersey man was lately arrested for flogging a woman, and excused the
+act by saying he was near-sighted, and thought it was his wife.
+
+
+A JOKE BY THE PRESIDENT.--435.
+
+"How do you do, Mr. Lincoln?" "Well, that reminds me of a story. As
+the labourer said to the bricklayer, after falling through the roof
+and rafters of an unfinished house, I have gone through a great deal
+since you saw me last."
+
+
+WISE LAWS--BY SAM SLICK.--436.
+
+If a woman was to put a Bramah lock on her heart, a skilful man would
+find his way into it, if he wanted to, I know. That contrivance is set
+to a particular word; find the letters that compose it, and it opens
+at once.
+
+If a man's sensibility is all in his palate, he can't, of course, have
+much in his heart.
+
+I tell you what, President, says I, seein' is believin', but it aint
+them that stare the most who see the best always.
+
+Thunderin' long words aint wisdom, and stopping a critter's mouth is
+more apt to improve his wind than his onderstandin'.
+
+Swapping facts is better than swapping horses any time.
+
+Providence requires three things of us before it will help us--a stout
+heart, a strong arm, and a stiff upper lip.
+
+Hope is a pleasant acquaintance, but an unsafe friend. It'll do on
+a pinch for a travellin' companion, but he is not the man for your
+banker.
+
+"Don't care" won't bear friendship for fruit, and "don't know, I'm
+sure," won't ripen it.
+
+What a pity it is marryin' spoils courtin'.
+
+There's no pinnin' up a woman in a corner, unless she wants to be
+caught, that's a fact.
+
+Consait grows as nateral as the hair on one's head, but it's longer in
+comin' out.
+
+People have no right to make fools of themselves, unless they have no
+relations to blush for them.
+
+It 'aint every change that's a reform, that's a fact, and reforms
+'aint always improvements.
+
+Blushin' for others is the next thing to taking a kicking from them.
+
+
+A DOUBLE DIFFICULTY.--437.
+
+An anti-slavery man says what the Southern Confederacy wants is the
+capitol, and what they can't get to take it with is the capital.
+
+
+WITH A QUILL.--438.
+
+A Mr. Hen has started a new paper in Iowa. He says he hopes by hard
+scratching to make a living for himself and his little chickens.
+
+
+DOUBTFUL.--439.
+
+After asking your name in the State of Arkansas, the natives are in
+the habit of saying, in a confidential tone, "Well, now, what war yer
+name before yer moved to these parts?"
+
+
+THE LETTER S.--440.
+
+A writer says the Americans will always have more cause to remember
+the S than any other letter in the alphabet, because it is the
+beginning of secession, and the end of Jeff. Davis.
+
+
+NONSENSE ABOUT LOVE.--441.
+
+What nonsense people talk about love, don't they? Sleepness nights,
+broken dreams, beatin' hearts, pale faces, a pinin' away to shaders,
+fits of absence, loss of appetite, narvous flutterin's, and all that.
+I haven't got the symptoms, but I'll swear to the disease. Folks take
+this talk, I guess, from poets; and they are miserable, mooney sort of
+critters; half mad and whole lazy, who would rather take a day's dream
+than a day's work any time, and catch rhymes as niggers catch flies,
+to pass time; hearts and darts; cupid and stupid; purlin' streams and
+pulin' dreams, and so on. It's all bunkum!--_Sam Slick._
+
+
+WONDERFUL.--442.
+
+An exchange, recording the fall of a person into the river, says:--"It
+is a wonder he escaped with his life." Prentice says: "Wouldn't it
+have been a still greater wonder if he had escaped without it?"
+
+
+HARD UP.--443.
+
+Jersey man (entering a dentist's store): "Air yeou a doctor,
+sir?"--Dentist: "Yes. Can I do anything for you?"--Jersey man: "Wall,
+no; I guess not in the way of physic. I've jest called to see if yeou
+don't want to buy some real, genuine, sound teeth?"--Dentist: "Well,
+I might want them; have you many?"--Jersey man: "I calkilate I can't
+say I have more'n a few, myself; but our Sal sez she has got some
+she'll sell, if I can strike a good bargain."--Dentist, having thought
+for some time, names a price, and the countryman consents.--Jersey
+man (taking a seat, and coolly spreading himself out): "Wall, I
+guess yeou may draw a dozen for the present, and I'll bring Sal
+to-morrow."--Dentist (looking aghast): "Why, you don't mean to sell
+your own teeth? They're of no use to me."--Jersey man: "Why, look
+here, they're no airthly use to Sal and me; for what's the use of
+teeth when one's nothing to eat?"
+
+
+MILITARY TACTICS.--444.
+
+The stratagems resorted to by the soldiers at Cairo, to smuggle liquor
+into their quarters, were often amusing. One day a man started out
+with his coffee-pot for milk. On his return, an officer suspecting him
+to have whisky in his can, wished to examine it, and the man satisfied
+him by pouring out milk. At night there was a general drunk in that
+soldier's quarters, ending in a fight. It was at last discovered that
+the man had put a little milk into the spout of his can, sealing the
+inside with bread, and filling the can with whisky.
+
+
+SETTLING THE WINE BILL.--445.
+
+An officer staying at a hotel in Washington, on asking for his bill
+one morning, found that a quart of wine was charged when he had but a
+pint. He took exceptions to the item. Landlord was incorrigible: said
+there never was any mistake about the wine bills. Officer paid it, and
+went to his room to pack his carpet-bag. Having made purchases, his
+bag was too full to let in an extra pair of boots. Landlord was sent
+for--came. Says the officer, "I can't get these boots into this d----d
+bag."--Landlord: "If you can't, I am sure I can't."--Officer: "Yes you
+can; for a man who can put a quart of wine into a pint bottle can put
+these boots into that bag." Landlord laughed heartily, cancelled the
+whole bill, and returned the amount.
+
+
+SMILES.--446.
+
+What a sight there is in that word--smile; for it changes colour
+like a chameleon. There's a vacant smile, a cold smile, a smile of
+approbation, a friendly smile; but, above all, a smile of love. A
+woman has two smiles that an angel might envy--the smile that accepts
+the lover before words are uttered, and the smile that lights on the
+first-born baby, and assures him of a mother's love.--_Sam Slick._
+
+
+FORLORN HOPE.--447.
+
+An old maid, who had her eye a little sideways on matrimony,
+says:--"The curse of this war is, that it will make so many widows,
+who will be fierce to get married, and who know how to do it. Modest
+girls will stand no chance at all."
+
+
+ARTISTIC EXECUTION.--448.
+
+A man out West, who had a brother hanged, informed his friends in the
+East that his "brother on a recent occasion addressed a large public
+meeting, and just as he finished, the platform on which he stood gave
+way, and he fell and broke his neck."
+
+
+TALKING MATCH.--449.
+
+A talking match lately came off for five dollars a side. It continued
+for thirteen hours, the rivals being a Frenchman and a Kentuckian. The
+bystanders and judges were talked to sleep, and when they awoke in the
+morning they found the Frenchman dead, and the Kentuckian whispering
+in his ear.
+
+
+KISSING BY PROXY.--450.
+
+One of the deacons of a certain church in Virginia asked the Bishop
+if he usually kissed the bride at weddings? "Always," was the reply.
+"And how do you manage when the happy pair are negroes?" was the
+next question. "In all such cases," replied the Bishop, "the duty of
+kissing the lady is appointed to the deacons."
+
+
+EFFECTIVE REMONSTRANCE.--451.
+
+One of the boys at Camp Noble, Indiana, was put on guard one night,
+and reported to his captain in the morning that "He was abused by
+a fellow because he would not allow him to pass." "Well," said the
+captain, "what did you do?" "Do? why I remonstrated with him." "And to
+what effect?" "Well, I don't know to what effect, but the barrel of my
+gun is bent."
+
+
+LATEST DOG STORY.--452.
+
+Two dogs fell to fighting in a saw-mill. In the course of the tustle
+one dog went plump against a saw in rapid motion, which cut him in two
+instanter. The hind legs ran away, but the fore legs continued the
+fight, and whipped the other dog.
+
+
+A NOTE BY THE EDITOR.--453.
+
+The editor of a Western paper owes a bank about 1000 dollars, for
+which they hold his note. The defaulting wag announces it thus
+in his paper:--"There is a large collection of the autographs of
+distinguished individuals deposited for safe keeping in the cabinet of
+the Farmers and Merchants' Bank, each accompanied with a 'note' in the
+handwriting of the autographist. We learn that they have cost the bank
+a great deal of money. They paid over a thousand dollars of ours. We
+hope great care is taken to preserve those capital and _interest_-ing
+relics, as, should they be lost, we doubt whether they could be easily
+collected again. Should the bank, however, be so unfortunate as to
+lose ours, we'll let them have another at half price, in consequence
+of the very hard times."
+
+
+DISCONSOLATE.--454.
+
+A disconsolate widower, seeing the remains of his late wife lowered
+into the grave, exclaimed, with tears in his eyes, "Well, I've lost
+hogs, and I've lost cows, but I never had anything that cut me up like
+this."
+
+
+INDUCEMENT UNNECESSARY.--455.
+
+They say that woman caused man to commit his first sin. But if she
+hadn't induced him to sin in eating, no doubt he would very soon have
+sinned of his own accord in drinking.
+
+
+PRETENCE.--456.
+
+Pretend you know, and half the time, if it aint as good as knowin',
+it will sarve the same purpose. Many a feller looks fat who is only
+swelled, as the Germans say.--_Sam Slick._
+
+
+"OPEN THY CUPBOARD TO ME."--457.
+
+     All lonely and drear is the street, love;
+     The "watch" is asleep on his "beat," love,
+     And I'm dying for something to eat, love;
+               So open thy cupboard to me.
+
+     Get up from that warm feather bed, love,
+     And bake us a cone of "corn bread," love,
+     For I wish very much to be fed, love;
+               So open thy cupboard to me.
+
+     Oh, hasten thy lover to cram, love,
+     With a slice of cold turkey or ham, love,
+     For deucedly hungry I am, love;
+               So open thy cupboard to me.
+
+     The stars are beginning to "wink," love;
+     'Tis the hour for "snacks" and for "drink," love.
+     You've a jug of old whisky, I think, love;
+               So open thy cupboard to me.
+
+     The moon will be down before long, love,
+     And the "night-bird" is singing his song, love;
+     How plainly he says "mix it strong," love,
+               And open thy cupboard to me.
+
+     My feet are all wet with the dew, love,
+     And there's nothing so nice as "hot stew," love:
+     Then get up and make it, pray do, love,
+               And open thy cupboard to me.
+
+     The chickens are crowing for day, love,
+     And I must soon hurry away, love;
+     Then list to thy lover's last lay, love,
+               And open thy cupboard to me.
+
+
+NATUR'S BALANCES.--458.
+
+Them that have more than their share of one thing, commonly have less
+of another. Where there is great strength, there 'aint apt to be much
+gumption. A handsome man, in a gineral way, 'aint much of a man. A
+beautiful bird seldom sings. Them that have genius have seldom common
+sense. A feller with one idea grows rich, while he who calls him a
+fool dies poor. The world is like a baked meat pie; the upper crust is
+rich, dry, and puffy; the lower crust is heavy, doughy, and underdone;
+the middle is not bad generally, but the smallest part of all is that
+which flavours the whole.--_Sam Slick._
+
+
+AN EPIGRAM ON PRESIDENT LINCOLN.--459.
+
+_By the Manes of the Murdered Murray._
+
+     Abe L. is an able President,
+       His mind has a mighty reach;
+     Search all our cities and marts,
+     You won't find a man with better parts,
+       Excepting his parts of speech!
+
+
+AMERICAN SOIL--ITS NATURAL RICHNESS.--460.
+
+I took a handful of guano, that elixir of vegetation, and sowed a few
+cucumber seeds in it. Well, sir, I was considerable tired when I had
+done it, and so I just took a stretch for it under a great pine-tree,
+and took a nap. Stranger! as true as I am talking to you this here
+blessed minute, when I woke up, I was bound as tight as a sheep going
+to market on a butcher's cart, and tied fast to a tree. I thought I
+should never get out of that scrape; the cucumber vines had so grown
+and twisted round, and wound me and my legs while I was asleep!
+Fortunately, one arm was free, so I got out my jack knife, opened it
+with my teeth, and cut myself out, and off for Victoria again, hot
+foot. When I came into the town, says our captain to me, "Peabody,
+what in natur is that ere great yaller thing that's a sticking out of
+your pocket?" "Nothin'," sais I, looking as mazed as a puppy nine days
+old, when he first opens his eyes, and takes his first stare. Well, I
+put in my hand to feel, and I pulled out a great big ripe cucumber, a
+foot long, that had ripened and gone to seed there.--_Sam Slick._
+
+
+JOHN AND THE WIDDAH.--461.
+
+It a'n't the feed--said the young man John--it's the old woman's looks
+when a fellah lays it in too strong. The feed's well enough. After
+geese have got tough, 'n' turkeys have got strong, 'n' lamb's got old,
+'n' veal's pretty nigh beef, 'n' sparragrass's growin' tall 'n' slim,
+'n' scattery about the head, 'n' peas are gettin' so big 'n' hard,
+they'd be dangerous if you fired them out of a revolver, we get hold
+of all them delicacies of the season. But it's too much like feedin'
+on live folks, and devourin' widdah's substance, to lay yourself out
+in the eatin' way, when a fellah's as hungry as the chap that said
+a turkey was too much for one, 'n' not enough for two. I can't help
+lookin' at the old woman. Corned-beef days she's tolerable calm;
+roastin'-days she worries some, 'n' keeps a sharp eye on the chap
+that carves. But when there's anything in the poultry line, it seems
+to hurt her feelin's so to see the knife goin' into the breast, and
+joints comin' to pieces, that ther's no comfort in eatin'. When I cut
+up an old fowl, and help the boarders, I always feel as if I ought to
+say, "Won't you have a slice of widdah?" instead of chicken.--_Oliver
+Wendell Holmes._
+
+
+STRIKING RESEMBLANCE.--462.
+
+An American, speaking of his niggers, said: "Cæsar and Pompey are so
+much alike that you can't tell the one from the other, _'specially
+Pompey_."
+
+
+UNDOUBTED COURAGE.--463.
+
+"Sambo, you nigger, are you afraid of work?" "Bress you, massa, I no
+'fraid of work; I'll lie down and go asleep close by him side."
+
+
+A SIMILE.--464.
+
+A jeweller in Philadelphia advertises that he has a number of precious
+stones to dispose of, adding that they sparkle like the tears of a
+young widow.
+
+
+FIVE OUTS AND ONE IN.--465.
+
+A poor Yankee, upon being asked the nature of his distress, replied
+that he had "five outs and one in:" to wit, "_out_ of money and _out_
+of clothes; _out_ at the heels and _out_ at the toes; _out_ of credit,
+and _in_ debt."
+
+
+SAM SLICK'S DESCRIPTION OF A TEETOTALLER.--466.
+
+I once travelled through all the States of Maine with one of them air
+chaps. He was as thin as a whippin' post. His skin looked like a blown
+bladder, after some of the air has leaked out--kinder wrinkled and
+rumpled like; and his eye as dim as a lamp that's livin' on a short
+allowance of ile. He put me in mind of a pair of kitchen tongs--all
+legs, shaft, and head, and no belly; real gander-gutted lookin'
+crittur; as holler as a bamboo walking-cane, and twice as yaller. He
+actilly looked as if he had been picked off a raft at sea, and dragged
+through a gimlet hole.
+
+
+ECLIPSING HIMSELF.--467.
+
+A Virginian tavern keeper going down to his wine cellar, by mistake
+went down his own throat. He did not discover the error he had
+committed until the candle he carried was blown out by the first
+inspiration he took. He described it as being very difficult to find
+his way up again in the dark.
+
+
+FAMILIAR ACQUAINTANCE.--468.
+
+An aboriginal American was asked if he had known the Bishop of Quebec?
+"Yes, yes." "And how did you like him?" "Oh, vastly!" "But how did you
+happen to know him?" "Happen to know him! _Why, I ate a piece of him._"
+
+
+PRESIDENT LINCOLN'S FIRST POLITICAL SPEECH.--469.
+
+Abraham Lincoln made his first political speech in 1832, when he was a
+candidate for the Illinois Legislature. His opponent had wearied the
+audience by a long speech, leaving Mr. L. but a short time in which to
+present his views. He condensed all he had to say into a few words,
+as follows--"Gentlemen, Fellow-citizens: I presume you all know who I
+am. I am humble Abraham Lincoln. I have been solicited by many friends
+to become a candidate for the Legislature. My politics are short and
+sweet, like an old woman's dance. I am in favour of a national bank. I
+am in favour of the internal improvement system, and a high protective
+tariff. These are my sentiments and political principles. If elected,
+I shall be thankful; if not, it will be all the same."
+
+
+TAKE CARE OF YOUR BAGGAGE.--470.
+
+Travellers should be careful to entrust their baggage to proper
+persons only, as a gentleman, not long ago, on alighting from the
+train at Washington, entrusted his wife to a stranger, and she has not
+been heard of since.
+
+
+AMERICAN COMPETITION.--471.
+
+It is in the nature of an American, says one, to be always in fear
+lest his neighbour should arrive before him. If one hundred Americans
+were about to be shot, they would fight for precedence, such are their
+habits of competition.
+
+
+AMERICAN DEFINITIONS.--472.
+
+_Progress of Time._--A pedler going through the land with wooden
+clocks.--_Honesty_ (obsolete): A term formerly used in the case of a
+man who had paid for his newspapers, and the coat on his back.--_Rigid
+Justice_: A juror in a murder case fast asleep.
+
+
+TWO THINGS UNEXPECTED.--473.
+
+Josh Billings says: "There air 2 things in this wurld for which we air
+never fully prepared, and those air twins."
+
+
+PERPETUAL MOTION.--474.
+
+A New York Paper advertises that the owner of the perpetual motion
+lately exhibiting at Boston has absconded without paying the man who
+turned the crank in the cellar.
+
+
+ARTEMUS WARD ON REORGANIZATION.--475.
+
+Artemus Ward, in one of his letters, thus gives his idea of
+reorganization:--"I never attempted to reorganize my wife but once.
+I shall never attempt it again. I'd bin to a public dinner, and
+had allowed myself to be betrayed into drinkin' several people's
+health, and wishin' to make 'em as robust as possible, I continued
+drinkin' their healths until my own became affected. Consekens was, I
+presented myself at Betsy's bedside late at nite, with considerable
+licker concealed about my person. I had somehow got perseschum of a
+hosswhip on my way home, and rememberin' some cranky observashuns of
+Mrs. Ward's in the morin', I snapt the whip putty lively, and in a
+very loud voice I said, Betsy--I continued crackin' the whip over the
+bed--I have come to reorganize you! I dreamed that nite that sumbody
+laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril conseckootive times; and when I woke
+up I found _she_ had. I haint drunk much of anythin' since, and if I
+ever have another reorganizin' job on hand I shall let it out."
+
+
+A RECEIPT IN FULL.--476.
+
+A German in New York being required to give a receipt in full, after
+much mental effort produced the following:--"I ish full. I wants no
+more money. John Swackhammer." Perhaps the sententious Tueton was full
+of lager beer.
+
+
+A SUDDEN DECLARATION.--477.
+
+A young gentleman happening to sit at church in a pew adjoining one
+in which sat a young lady, for whom he conceived a sudden and violent
+passion, was desirous of entering into a courtship on the spot, but
+the place not suiting a formal declaration, the exigency of the case
+suggested the following plan:--He politely handed his fair neighbour
+a Bible open, with a pin stuck in the following text:--Second Epistle
+of John, verse fifth--"And now I beseech thee lady, not as though I
+wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the
+beginning, that we love one another." She returned it pointing to
+the second chapter of Ruth, verse tenth--"Then she fell on her face
+and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him 'Why have I found
+grace in thine eyes, seeing that I am a stranger?'" He returned the
+book, pointing to the thirteenth verse of the Third Epistle of St.
+John--"Having many things to write unto you, I would not write with
+paper and ink, but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face,
+that our joy may be full." From the above interview a marriage took
+place the ensuing week.
+
+
+A VOCATION.--478.
+
+"You're a loafer--a man without a calling," said a judge to a person
+arrested as a vagrant. "I beg your pardon, your honour, I have a
+vocation." "What is it?" "I smoke glass for eclipses, but just now it
+is our dull season."
+
+
+MAJOR DOWNING IN LONDON.--479.
+
+The Queen regretted that she could not invite me to stay to dinner,
+cause 'twas washin' day in the palace, and they only had a pick-up
+dinner.
+
+
+ANY BETTER THAN NONE.--480.
+
+It may be said generally of husbands, as the old woman said of hers,
+who had abused her to an old maid, who reproached her for being such a
+fool as to marry him:--"To be sure, he's not so good a husband as he
+should be, but he's a _powerful sight_ better than none."
+
+
+A PRINTER'S TOAST.--481.
+
+At a printer's festival the following sentiment was offered:--"Woman,
+second only to the press in the dissemination of news."
+
+
+WASHINGTON IRVING.--482.
+
+Washington Irving's characteristic was quiet humour; mild enough,
+but quaint; as when he said to a gentleman who, in a thunder-storm,
+declined to take shelter under a tree, having promised to his father,
+who had been once hit, never to do so: "Oh, that makes all the
+difference in the world. If it is hereditary, and lightning runs in
+the family, you are wise."
+
+
+QUIZZING A WITNESS.--483.
+
+Chapman, a witty lawyer of Hartford, was busy with a case at which
+a lady was present, with whom he had already something to do as a
+witness. Her husband was present--a diminutive, meek, forbearing sort
+of a man--who, in the language of Mr. Chapman, "looked like a rooster
+just fished out of a swill barrel," while the lady was a large portly
+woman, evidently the better horse. As on the former occasion, she
+baulked on the cross-examination. The lawyer was pressing a question
+urgently, when she said, with vindictive fire flashing from her eyes,
+"Mr. Chapman, you needn't think to catch me; you tried that once
+before!" Putting on his most quizzical expression, he replied, "Madam,
+I haven't the slightest desire to catch you, and your husband looks as
+if he was sorry he did." The husband faintly smiled assent.
+
+
+A WITTY AIDE-DE-CAMP.--484.
+
+During the battle of Fredericksburg, the Confederate General Lee
+observed one of his aides-de-camp, a very young man, shrink every now
+and then, and by the motion of his body, seek to evade, if possible,
+the shot. "Sir," said Lee, "what do you mean? Do you think you can
+dodge the balls? Do you know that Napoleon lost about a hundred
+aides-de-camp in one campaign?" "So I've read," replied the young
+officer, "but I did not think you could spare so many."
+
+
+NATURE AND ART.--485.
+
+A worthy English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the
+Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His
+eye caught up the names of its, to him, unknown dishes:--"Soupe à la
+Flamande"--"Soupe à la Creci"--"Langue de Boeuf piquée"--"Pieds de
+Cochon à la Ste. Ménéhould"--"Patés de sanglier"--"Patés à la gelée
+de volailles"--"Les cannelons de crème glacée." It was too much for
+his simple heart, and laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust,
+he cried to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back to _first
+principles_! Give us some beans and bacon!"
+
+
+THE PRESIDENT AND THE MARSHAL.--486.
+
+A devoted admirer of honest old Abe makes a very severe conundrum upon
+Marshal Kane. "What two characters in scripture remind us of a certain
+President in Washington and a certain Marshal in Baltimore?" Give it
+up, reader? Certainly! "Wicked Kane and righteous Abe L. (Abel)."
+This, of course, is a delicate allusion to the sons of Adam, who must
+have been Ameri-cains, since they went to fighting so soon about
+nothing.
+
+
+INSINUATING REJOINDER.--487.
+
+"Why don't you get married?" said a young lady to a bachelor
+acquaintance who was on a visit. "I have been trying for the last ten
+years to find some one who would be silly enough to take me, and have
+not yet succeeded," was the reply. "Then you haven't been down our
+way," was the insinuating rejoinder.
+
+
+STYLING THE FIRM.--488.
+
+"John, my son," said a doting father, who was about taking him
+into business, "what shall be the style of the new firm?"--"Well,
+governor," said the youth, "I don't know--but suppose we have it
+John H. Samplin and Father?" The old gentleman was struck with the
+originality of the idea, but didn't adopt it.
+
+
+A REMARKABLE CHAMBER-MAID.--489.
+
+A notice in an American newspaper of a steamboat explosion ended as
+follows:--"The captain swam ashore; so did the chamber-maid. She was
+insured for 15,000 dollars, and loaded with iron."
+
+
+SAVING THE TRUTH.--490.
+
+"Do you mean to insinuate that I lie, sir?" exclaimed a
+fierce-looking, mustachioed gentleman to a raw Yankee, who hinted some
+slight scepticism as to one of his toughest statements. "No, mister,
+not at all--only it kind o' strikes me that you are 'tarnal savin' of
+truth."
+
+
+NIGGER EXPLANATION.--491.
+
+"Where is the hoe, Sambo?"--"Wid de rake, massa."--"Well, where is the
+rake?"--"Wid de hoe."--"But where are they both?"--"Why, bof togeder.
+By golly, old massa, you 'pears to be berry 'ticular dis mornin'."
+
+
+A JEW D'ESPRIT.--492.
+
+Mr. Noah, a Jew, was a candidate for the office of sheriff of the city
+of New York, and it was objected to his election that a Jew would thus
+come to have the hanging of Christians. "Pretty Christians, indeed,"
+remarked Noah, "to need hanging!"
+
+
+CUFF'S CABIN.--493.
+
+A gentleman riding through Virginia was overtaken by a violent
+thunder-storm. He took shelter in a negro's cabin, and found the water
+streaming through many crevices in the roof. "Why don't you mend your
+roof, Cuff?" he asked. "Oh, um rain so, maussa, 'can't," said the
+negro. "But why don't you mend it when it doesn't rain?" asked the
+gentleman. "Yah, maussa," said the negro, with a grin, "den um dohn
+want mendin'."
+
+
+SMALL WAISTS AND TIGHT LACING.--494.
+
+"MY dear girls," said the preacher, "I like to see a small
+waist as well as anybody, and females with hour-glass shapes suit my
+fancy better than your Dutch-churn, soap-barrel, slab-sided sort of
+figures; but I don't want to give the credit to corsets."--_Dow's
+Sermons._
+
+
+THACKERAY AND THE PIRATE'S DAUGHTER.--495.
+
+Shortly after his first landing in America, Thackeray was invited to
+dinner by one of the Messrs. Harper, the well-known publishing firm,
+whose magazine, _Harper's Monthly_, is a deliberate compilation from
+all the best English periodicals. On his introduction to Mr. Harper,
+Thackeray had joked with him on the American contempt for copyright;
+and when he went into the drawing-room he took a little girl, whom
+he found playing there, on his knee, and gazing at her with feigned
+wonder, said in solemn tones, "And this is a pirate's daughter!"
+
+
+GENERAL MEADE TO GENERAL LEE.--496.
+
+The following lines were found in a Confederate soldier's note-book,
+on the camping-ground near Breckenridge's head-quarters, before
+Washington, July 17, 1864:--
+
+       Quoth Meade to Lee--
+       Can you tell me,
+     In the shortest style of writing,
+       When people will
+       Get their fill
+     Of this big job of fighting?
+
+       Quoth Lee to Meade--
+       Why, yes, indeed,
+     I'll tell you in a minute:
+       When legislators
+       And speculators
+     Are made to enter in it.
+
+
+ADOPTING THE OTHER COURSE.--497.
+
+The following advertisement appears in a California paper:--"Wanted,
+by a blackguard, employment of any kind, temporary or otherwise. The
+advertiser having hitherto conducted himself as a gentleman, and
+signally failed, of which his hopeless state of impecuniosity is the
+best proof, is induced to adopt the other course, in the hope that
+he may meet with better success. No objection to up country. Terms
+moderate."
+
+
+A WHALE AT PEAS.--498.
+
+The dinner was a capital one, and Judge Tips played an excellent knife
+and fork. A dish of peas came round, the last of the marrowfats; the
+latest peas of summer. I am very fond of peas, and was rejoiced to
+see my favourites once again; and I anxiously awaited their arrival.
+Miss Tips, Miss Julia Tips, and Tips _mère_, as the French would say,
+had each taken a decorous spoonful from the flying dish, and now
+the black waiter was offering the delicacy to Tips himself, enough
+being left for five persons, at least. What was my horror to behold
+the judge deliberately monopolize the whole--sweep, as I live, every
+pea into his own plate--and then turning to me, with a greasy smile,
+remark: "I guess, stranger, I'm a whale at peas."
+
+
+A TEARFUL RESPONSE.--499.
+
+"Does the razor take hold well?" inquired a barber, who was shaving a
+gentleman from the country. "Yes," replied the customer, with tears in
+his eyes, "it takes hold first-rate, but it don't let go very easily."
+
+
+A PRETENDED PELHAM.--500.
+
+A gentleman crossing one of the New York ferries was accosted by
+one of those peripatetic vendors of cheap literature and weekly
+newspapers, who are to be found in shoals about such public places,
+with "Buy Bulwer's last work, sir? Only two shillin'." The gentleman,
+willing to have a laugh with the urchin, said: "Why, I am Bulwer,
+myself!" Off went the lad, and whispering to another at a distance,
+excited his wonderment at the information he had to impart. Eyeing the
+pretended author of "Pelham" with a kind of awe, he approached him
+timidly, and, holding out a pamphlet, said, modestly: "Buy the 'Women
+of England,' sir? You're not Mrs. Ellis, are you?" Of course, the
+proposed sale was effected.
+
+
+DINNER, BUT NO BREAKFAST.--501.
+
+A gentleman was stopping at the plantation of a friend in Georgia,
+and for his benefit a social fishing party was got up to go to some
+river, a few hours' drive in the country. The party made a very early
+start in the morning, and it so happened that a venerable old "uncle"
+of extreme African descent, who was selected to drive them out, missed
+his breakfast in the hurry and bustle of departure. This disagreeable
+circumstance rendered the old darky very crusty and melancholy during
+the entire morning; but at early noon the party adjourned to a country
+tavern on the river bank, and had a good dinner, and the old "general"
+was not slow to seek some alimentary compensation for the loss of
+his matin meal. It was taken for granted that the old gent's good
+humour would be restored by the dinner, but it was soon noticed that
+he continued to remain "blue" and sorrowful, and, being surprised
+thereat, his master asked him why he was still so cross, since he had
+had so good a dinner. The old darky replied: "Yes, massa, me know I'se
+had me dinnah, but me habn't had no brekfuss yet, nohow."
+
+
+THE LOAFER'S HAT.--502.
+
+"I say, John, where did you get that loafer's hat?" "Please your
+honour," said John, "it's an old one of yours, that missus gave me
+yesterday, when you were in town."
+
+
+THE DEBT OF NATURE.--503.
+
+An impertinent editor in Alabama, says a paper, wants to know when we
+"intend to pay 'the debt of Nature?'" We are inclined to think that
+when Nature gets her dues from him it will be by an _execution_.
+
+
+A BLACK BULL.--504.
+
+At a coloured ball the following notice was posted on the
+door-post:--"Tickets, fifty cents. No gemmen admitted unless he comes
+himself."
+
+
+A NEW DISH.--505.
+
+Pete Johnson was a tall, green, raw-boned country negro, and knew
+nothing of city life or polished society. Recently he became tired
+of tilling the soil by the month, journeyed to the metropolis, and
+let himself as a waiter on board a steamer which plies up and down
+the Sound on the New York, Norwich, and Boston line. As is customary
+with new waiters, in order to train them to ease, and give them the
+necessary polish and experience, he was required at first to attend
+the officers' tables exclusively. But one evening, after a few weeks'
+service, there came a great rush of passengers, and, of course, the
+supper-room was thronged. Pete was sent to the public tables for the
+first time. He got along very well until a guest called for an omelet.
+This was a new dish to the green waiter, but he thought he understood
+the order correctly, and with his usual gravity, stepped up to the
+kitchen door and cried out, "An almanac!"
+
+
+THE LAST COMPLIMENT.--506.
+
+A story is told of a very polite sheriff and a very polite criminal.
+"Sir," said the culprit, as the sheriff was carefully adjusting
+the rope, "really your attention deserves my thanks; in fact, I do
+not know anybody I should rather have hang me." "Really," said the
+sheriff, "you are pleased to be complimentary. I do not know of
+another individual it would give me so much pleasure to hang."
+
+
+PRECEPT AND PRACTICE.--507.
+
+Dr. Channing had a brother a physician, and at one time they both
+dwelt in Boston. A countryman was in search of the doctor. The
+following dialogue ensued:--"Does Dr. Channing live here?"--"Yes,
+sir." "Can I see him?"--"I am he." "Who, you?"--"Yes, sir." "You
+must have altered considerably since I heard you preach."--"Heard me
+preach?" "Certainly! you are the Dr. Channing that preaches, ain't
+you?"--"Oh! I see you are mistaken now; 'tis my brother who preaches;
+I'm the doctor who practises."
+
+
+A FAIR RETORT.--508.
+
+Mr. Cobden, in one of his speeches, said that he once asked an
+enthusiastic American lady why her country could not rest satisfied
+with the immense unoccupied territories it already possesses, but
+must ever be lusting after the lands of its neighbours. Her somewhat
+remarkable reply was, "Oh! the propensity is a very bad one, I admit;
+but we came honestly by it, for we inherited it from you."
+
+
+DR. FRANKLIN.--509.
+
+The town of Franklin, in Massachusetts, was named in honour of
+Benjamin Franklin, the printer philosopher. While in France, a
+gentleman in Boston wrote to him of the fact, and added, that as the
+town was building a meeting-house, perhaps he would give them a bell.
+Franklin wrote the characteristic reply, that he presumed that the
+good people of F. would prefer sense to sound, and therefore he would
+give them a library. This he did, and the library is now in good
+condition, and has been of great service to the intelligent people of
+that pleasant town.
+
+
+REASONABLE INSTINCT.--510.
+
+A dog, which had lost the whole of her interesting family, was seen
+trying to poke a piece of crape through the handle of the door of one
+of the sausage shops in this city.
+
+
+DANIEL WEBSTER'S COURTSHIP.--511.
+
+The manner of Daniel Webster's engagement to Miss Fletcher is thus
+pleasantly described by a letter writer:--"He was then a young lawyer.
+At one of his visits to Miss Grace Fletcher he had, probably with a
+view of utility and enjoyment, been holding skeins of silk thread
+for her, when suddenly he stopped, saying, 'Grace, we have thus been
+engaged in untying knots, let us see if we can tie a knot; one which
+will not untie for a lifetime.' He then took a piece of tape, and
+after beginning a knot of a peculiar kind gave it her to complete.
+This was the ceremony and ratification of their engagement. And now
+in the little box marked by him with the words 'precious documents,'
+containing the letters of his early courtship, this unique memorial is
+still to be found--the knot never untied."
+
+
+PRESENTED AT COURT.--512.
+
+An American who had returned from Europe, told his friend that he had
+been presented at the court there. "Did you see the Queen?" asked one.
+"Well, no, I didn't see her zacly, but I seed one of her friends--a
+judge. Yer see," he continued, "the court I was presented at happened
+to be the Central Criminal Court."
+
+
+CRITICAL.--513.
+
+A Western critic, in speaking of a new play, says:--"The unities are
+admirably observed; the dulness, which commences with the first act,
+never flags for a moment until the curtain falls."
+
+
+HARD FEATHERS.--514.
+
+An American sitting on a very hard seat in a railway carriage, said,
+"Wal, they tell me these here cushions air stuffed with feathers.
+They may have put the feathers in 'em, but darn me if _I don't think
+they've left the fowls in too_!"
+
+
+SNORING IN CHURCH.--515.
+
+The _Boston Bee_ contains the following polite hint:--"Deacon ---- is
+requested not to commence snoring in church to-morrow morning until
+after the commencement of the sermon, as several of the congregation
+are anxious to hear the text."
+
+
+PROFESSOR EVERETT AND JUDGE STORY.--516.
+
+Professor Everett, once the American ambassador to this country, was
+entertained at a public dinner before leaving Boston. Judge Story gave
+as a sentiment--"Genius is sure to be welcome where Ever-ett goes."
+Everett responded--"Law, Equity, and Jurisprudence: no efforts can
+raise them above one Story."
+
+
+LOVE-LETTER INK.--517.
+
+An ingenious down-easter, who has invented a new kind of "love-letter
+ink," which he has been selling as a safeguard against all actions
+for breach of promise of marriage, in so much as it entirely fades
+from the paper in two months after date, was recently "done brown" by
+a brother down-easter, who purchased a hundred boxes of the article,
+and gave him his note for 90 days. At the expiration of the time, the
+ink inventor called for payment, but, on unfolding the scrip, found
+nothing but a blank piece of paper. The note had been written with his
+own ink.
+
+
+A ROUGH BEDFELLOW.--518.
+
+A man in Arkansas had been drinking until a late hour at night, and
+then started for home in a state of sweet obliviousness. Upon reaching
+his own premises he was too far gone to discover any door to the
+domicile he was wont to inhabit, and, therefore, laid himself down in
+a shed which was a favourite rendezvous for swine. They happened to
+be out when the new comer arrived, but soon returned to their bed. The
+weather being rather cold, they, in the utmost kindness, and with the
+truest hospitality, gave their biped companion the middle of the bed,
+some lying on either side of him, and others acting the part of quilt.
+Their warmth prevented him from being injured by exposure. Towards
+morning he awoke. Finding himself comfortable, in blissful ignorance
+of his whereabouts, he supposed himself enjoying the accommodation of
+a tavern, in company with other gentlemen. He reached out his hand,
+and catching hold of the stiff bristles of an old hog, exclaimed:
+"Hallo, my good friend, you've got a deuce of a beard! When did you
+shave last?"
+
+
+NEW, IF NOT TRUE.--519.
+
+In one of the Northern States of America, according to
+veracious authority, the pious young women established
+an association which they styled "The Young Women's
+Anti-young-men-waiting-at-the-church-doors-with-ulterior-objects
+Society." (We suppose this must be founded on the model of "The
+Anti-poking-your-nose-into-other-people's-business Society," in
+London.)
+
+
+TRUE, IF NOT NEW.--520.
+
+A burnt child hates the fire, but a man who has been singed by Cupid's
+torch always has a sneaking kindness for the old flame.
+
+
+CURING TWO AFFLICTIONS.--521.
+
+An American secretary of state had two afflictions--an obliging
+doorkeeper and a pertinacious office-hunter. Day after day the
+latter called, and the former was too polite to shut him out. The
+secretary, when he could stand the nuisance no longer, said to the
+doorkeeper: "Do you know what that man comes after?" "Yes," replied
+the functionary, "an office, I suppose." "True, but do you know what
+office?" "No." "Well, then, I'll tell you; he wants your office." The
+bore was admitted no more.
+
+
+PLAIN SPOKEN.--522.
+
+"Facts are stubborn things," said a lawyer to a female witness under
+examination. The lady replied: "Yes, _sir-ee_, and so are women;
+and if you get anything out of me just let me know it."--"You'll be
+committed for contempt."--"Very well; I'll suffer justly, for I feel
+the utmost contempt for every lawyer present."
+
+
+POPPING THE QUESTION.--523.
+
+A bachelor, too poor to get married, yet too susceptible to let
+the girls alone, was riding with a lady "all of a summer's day,"
+and accidentally--(men's arms, awkward things, are ever in the
+way!)--dropped an arm round her waist. No objection was made for a
+while, and the arm gradually relieved the side of the carriage of the
+pressure upon it. But of a sudden, whether from a late recognition of
+the impropriety of the thing, or the sight of another beau coming,
+never was known, the lady started with volcanic energy, and with a
+flashing eye exclaimed: "Mr. B., I can support myself!"--"Capital,"
+was the instant reply, "you are just the girl I have been looking for
+these five years--will you marry me?"
+
+
+A GEM.--524.
+
+At a lecture of Bayard Taylor's a lady wished for a seat, when a
+portly, handsome gentleman brought one, and seated her. "Oh, you're a
+jewel," said she. "Oh, no," he replied, "I'm a jeweller--I have just
+_set_ the jewel!"
+
+
+THINGS I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE.--525.
+
+A fashionable bootmaker who was not "from Paris."
+
+A gentleman who was not a self-constituted inspector of ladies'
+bonnet-linings.
+
+A male pedestrian divorced from his cane who knew what to do with his
+hands.
+
+A man who could hold an umbrella properly over a lady's bonnet; or put
+on her cloak, or shawl, without crushing her bonnet, or hair; or diet
+himself when he was ailing; or take physic that did not "taste good;"
+or be good-natured when he was sick, or had cut his chin in shaving,
+or had to wait ten minutes for his dinner or breakfast; or who was
+ever "refused" by a lady.
+
+A bachelor whose carpet did not wear out _first_ in front of the
+looking-glass.
+
+A male author who could successfully counterfeit a feminine letter.
+
+An editor, or author, who did not feel nervous at the idea of
+examining trunk-linings and parcel wrappers.
+
+A handsome child who did not grow up to be homely.
+
+A woman who was not _at heart_ inimical to her own sex.
+
+A married man who could give the right hand of fellowship to a wife's
+old lover; or take a hint from the toe of her slipper, under the
+table, before company.
+
+A milliner who could be bribed to make a bonnet to cover the head.
+
+A dressmaker who did not consider a "perfect fit" to consist in an
+armour of whalebone and a breathless squeeze.
+
+A husband's relatives who could speak well of his wife.
+
+A doctor who had not more patients than he could attend to.
+
+A washerwoman who ever lost an article of clothing.
+
+A public speaker who did not search for the lost thread of his
+discourse in the convenient tumbler of water at his elbow.
+
+A woman who would not feign to be "so fond of cigar-smoke," rather
+than exile the smoker.
+
+An old maid who was not so from choice.
+
+            FANNY FERN.
+
+
+QUESTION FOR QUESTION.--526.
+
+Franklin was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of
+atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by
+another, "What is the _use_ of a new-born infant?"
+
+
+THE YANKEE.--527.
+
+     "No matter where his home may be--
+       What flag may be unfurl'd!
+     He'll manage by some _cute_ device,
+       To _whittle_ through the world."
+
+            --_Miss Allin's "Home Ballads."_
+
+
+TRUE POLITENESS.--528.
+
+Sir W. G., when Governor of Williamsburgh, returned the salute of
+a negro who was passing. "Sir," said a gentleman, present, "do you
+descend to salute a slave?" "Why, yes," replied the Governor, "I
+cannot suffer a man of his condition to _exceed_ me in _good manners_."
+
+
+A "DISTANT" FRIEND.--529.
+
+Meeting a negro on the road, a traveller said: "You have lost some
+of your friends, I see?" "Yes, massa." "Was it a _near_ or distant
+relative?" "Well, purty distant--_'bout twenty-four mile_," was the
+reply.
+
+
+JONATHAN OF ALL TRADES.--530.
+
+The editor of the _Boston Daily Star_, in relinquishing his charge,
+gave the following notice:--"Any one wishing corn hoed, gardens
+weeded, wood sawed, coal pitched in, paragraphs written, or small
+jobs done with despatch, and on reasonable terms, will please make
+immediate application to the retiring editor."
+
+
+MUCH VIRTUE IN AN "IF."--531.
+
+"If you can only get kit rid of them little failings" (blindness and
+deafness), said one Yankee to another, "you'll find him all sorts of a
+horse."
+
+
+THE SCHOOLMASTER ABROAD.--532.
+
+A Californian gold-digger, having become rich, desired a friend to
+procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received
+a letter of thanks thus worded:--"I am obliged to you for the pains
+of your selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about
+Paradise, by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a
+Mr. Shakespeare. _If these gentlemen should write and publish anything
+more, be sure and send me their new works._"
+
+
+ANSWERING AN ADVERTISEMENT.--533.
+
+A merchant advertising for a clerk, "who could bear confinement,"
+received an answer from one who had been ten years in the State prison!
+
+
+THE LOVERS' LEAP.--534.
+
+Mr. Dickens tells an American story of a young lady who, being
+intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and
+marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the
+five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young
+lady, she plunged into the sea head foremost. Four of the lovers
+immediately jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers
+were out again, she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them
+now, they are so wet?" "Take the _dry one_." And the young lady did,
+and married him.
+
+
+COMPLIMENTARY.--535.
+
+She was all sorts of a gal--there warn't a sprinklin' too much of her;
+she had an eye that would make a fellow's heart try to get out of his
+bosom; her step was as light as a panther's, and her breath sweet as a
+prairie flower.
+
+
+CUTTING.--536.
+
+General Lee one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a
+handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before
+a glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in
+creation." "Why, General?" "Because," replied Lee, "you are in love
+with _yourself_, and you have not a _rival_ upon earth."
+
+
+THE DARKIE'S WISH.--537.
+
+     I wish de legislatur would set dis darkie free,
+     Oh! what a happy place den de darkie land would be
+     We'd have a darkie parliament,
+       An' darkie codes of law,
+     An' darkie judges on de bench,
+       Darkie barristers and aw.
+
+
+POOR PREACHING AND POOR PAY.--538.
+
+"John, what do you do for a living?"--"Oh, me preach."--"Preach, and
+do you get paid for it?"--"Sometimes me get a shilling, sometimes two
+shillings."--"And isn't that mighty poor pay?"--"Oh, yes, but it's
+mighty poor preaching."
+
+
+A TRUMP CARD.--539.
+
+There was a very large family of Cards wunst at Slickville. They
+were mostly in the stage-coach and livery-stable line, and careless,
+reckless sort of people. So one day Squire Zenas Card had a
+christenin' at his house. Says the minister, "What shall I call the
+child?"--"Pontius Pilate," said he.--"I can't," said the minister,
+"and I won't. No soul ever heard of such a name for a Christian since
+baptism came in fashion."--"I am sorry for that," said the squire,
+"for it's a mighty pretty name. I heard it once in church, and I
+thought if ever I had a son I'd call him after him; but if I can't
+have that--and it's a dreadful pity--call him Trump;" and he was
+christened "Trump Card."--_Sam Slick._
+
+
+TIMELY WARNING.--540.
+
+A Yankee editor thus confesses to have had dealings with Satan, for
+the good of his readers, of course:--I was sitting in my study, when
+I heard a knock at the door. "Come in," said I; when the door opened,
+and who should walk in but--Satan! "How d'ye do?" said he.--"Pretty
+well," said I.--"What are you about? preparing your leader?"--"Yes,"
+said I.--"Ah! I dare say you think you are doing a great deal of
+good?"--"Well," said I, "not so much as I could wish; but a little
+good, I hope."--"You have a large lot of readers," said he.--"Well,
+pretty well for that," said I.--"And I dare say you are very proud of
+them," said Satan.--"No," said I, "that I am not, for not one-third of
+them pay for their papers!"--"You don't say so!" said he.--"Yes, that
+I do," said I; "not one-third of them pay for their papers!"--"Well,"
+said he, "then they are an immoral lot; but let me have the list, I
+think I can do a trifle myself with such people."
+
+
+HABITUAL THIRST.--541.
+
+A soldier on trial for habitual drunkenness was addressed by the
+president--"Prisoner, you have heard the prosecution for habitual
+drunkenness, what have you to say in defence?" "Nothing, please your
+honour, but habitual thirst."
+
+
+STONING STEPHEN.--542.
+
+The _Buffalo Democracy_ narrates this story of one of the miniature
+men, vulgarly called children:--"A teacher in a Sunday-school
+in R---- was examining a class of little boys from a Scripture
+catechism. The first question was, 'Who stoned Stephen?'--_Answer_:
+'The Jews.'--Second question: 'Where did they stone him?'--'Beyond
+the limits of the city.'--The third question: 'Why did they take
+him beyond the limits of the city?' was not in the book, and proved
+a poser to the whole class; it passed from head to foot without
+an answer being attempted. At length a little fellow who had been
+scratching his head all the while looked up, and said, 'Well, I don't
+know, unless it was to get _a fair fling at him_!'"
+
+
+VIRGINIAN ELOQUENCE.--543.
+
+Mr. Wise, of Virginia, in a late speech, is reported to have said
+respecting that State, "She has an iron chain of mountains running
+through her centre, which God has placed there to milk the clouds,
+and be the source of her silver rivers." The _Rochester American_
+remarks--"The figure is borrowed from the New York milkmen, who milk
+the clouds as much as they do their cows, and draw from the former the
+most palatable and healthful portion of the compound fluid."
+
+
+YANKEE FACTORY GIRLS.--544.
+
+In one of the factories in Maine the proprietor recently reduced the
+wages, whereupon there was a general determination to "strike;" and
+as the girls were obliged to give a month's notice before quitting
+work, they have meanwhile issued a circular to the world at large, in
+which is the following interesting paragraph:--"We are now working
+out our notice, and shall soon be without employment; can turn our
+hands to 'most anything; don't like to be idle--but determined not
+to work for nothing when folks can afford to pay. Who wants help? We
+can make bonnets, dresses, puddings, pies, and cakes, patch, darn,
+and knit, roast, stew, and fry; make butter and cheese, milk cows and
+feed chickens, and hoe corn; sweep out the kitchen, put the parlour to
+rights, make beds, split wood, kindle fires, wash and iron, besides
+being remarkably fond of babies; in fact, can do anything the most
+accomplished housewife is capable of--not forgetting the scoldings
+on Mondays and Saturdays. For specimens of spirit we refer you to
+our overseer. Speak quick. Black eyes, fair foreheads, clustering
+locks, beautiful as a Hebe, can sing like a seraph, and smile most
+bewitchingly. An elderly gentleman in want of a housekeeper, or a nice
+young man in want of a wife--willing to sustain any character; in
+fact, we are in the market. Who bids? Going--going--gone! Who's the
+lucky man?"
+
+
+FALLING IN LOVE.--545.
+
+If you want a son not to fall in love with any splenderiferous gal,
+praise her up to the skies, call her an angel, say she is a whole team
+and horse to spare, and all that. The moment the crittur sees her he
+is a little grain disappointed, and says, "Well, she is handsome,
+that's a fact; but she is not so very, very everlastin' after all."
+Nothin' damages a gal, a preacher, or a lake, like overpraise. A hoss
+is one of the onliest things in natur' that is helpet by it.--_Sam
+Slick._
+
+
+DULL MEMBERS.--546.
+
+"I rise for information," said one of the dullest of the members
+of the American Legislature.--"I am very glad to hear it," said
+one, who was leaning over the bar; "for no man wants it more than
+yourself." Another member rose to speak on the bill to abolish capital
+punishments, and commenced by saying, "Mr. Speaker, the generality
+of mankind in general are disposed to exercise oppression on the
+generality of mankind in general." "You had better stop," said one,
+who was sitting near enough to pull him by the coat-tail; "you had
+better stop, you are coming out of the same hole you went in at."
+
+
+HEADY.--547.
+
+A New York paper says that a man the morning after he has been drunk
+with wine feels as though he had the rheumatism in every hair of his
+head.
+
+
+SAM SLICK'S GEOLOGY.--548.
+
+The clockmaker says: "I never heard of secondary formations without
+pleasure, that's a fact. The ladies, you know, are the secondary
+formations, for they were formed after man."
+
+
+POLITICS.--549.
+
+Politics is nothing more nor less than a race for a prize, a game for
+the stakes, a battle for the spoils.--_Dow's Sermons._
+
+
+GOOD EYESIGHT.--550.
+
+A man down East, describing the prevalence of duelling, summed up
+with: "They even fight with daggers in a room _pitch dark_." "Is it
+possible?" was the reply. "_Possible_, sir!" returned the Yankee,
+"_why I've seen them_."
+
+
+A KNOWING CONTRABAND.--551.
+
+"Bob," now called Belmont Bob, is the body servant of General
+Clernard, and at the battle of Belmont it is said of him that when
+the retreat commenced he started for the boats. Reaching the banks,
+he dismounted, and slid rapidly down, when an officer, seeing the
+action, called out: "Stop, you rascal, and bring along the horse."
+Merely looking up as he waded to the plank through the mud, the darky
+replied: "Can't 'bey, colonel; major told me to save the most valuable
+property, and dis nigger's worf mor'n a horse."
+
+
+GENERAL GRANT.--552.
+
+When the North American General Grant was about twelve years old, his
+father sent him a few miles into the country to buy a horse from a man
+named Ralston. The old man told his son to offer Ralston 50 dollars
+at first; if he wouldn't take that, to offer 55 dollars, and to go as
+high as 60 dollars, if no less would make the purchase. The embryotic
+major-general started off with these instructions fully impressed
+upon his mind. He called upon Mr. Ralston, and told him he wished to
+buy the horse. "How much did your father tell you to give for him?"
+was the very natural inquiry from the owner of the steed. "Why," said
+young Grant, "he told me to offer you 50 dollars, and if that wouldn't
+do to give you 55 dollars, and if you wouldn't take less than 60
+dollars to give you that." Of course, 60 dollars was the lowest figure
+at which the horse could be parted with.
+
+
+SNIP.--553.
+
+A tailor from Nantucket exclaimed, on first beholding the Falls of
+Niagara, "What an almighty fine place to sponge a coat in!"
+
+
+BACKWOODS CONVERSATION.--554.
+
+What is the land? Bogs.--The atmosphere? Fogs.--What did you live on?
+Hogs.--What were your draught animals? Dogs.--Any fish in the ponds?
+Frogs.--What did you find the women? Clogs.--What map did you travel
+by? Mogg's.
+
+
+NO VICES.--555.
+
+Some one was smoking in the presence of the President, and
+complimented him on having no vices, neither drinking nor smoking.
+"That is a doubtful compliment," answered the President; "I recollect
+once being outside a stage in Illinois, and a man sitting by me
+offered me a cigar. I told him I had no vices. He said nothing; smoked
+for some time; and then grunted out, 'It's my experience that folks
+who have no vices have plaguey few virtues.'"
+
+
+"FIRE AT THE CRISIS."--556.
+
+During one of the battles on the Mississippi, between General Grant's
+forces and General Pillow's soldiers, the latter officer called out to
+a Capt. Duncan, in his usual pompous, solemn manner: "Captain Duncan,
+fire! the crisis has come." Duncan, without saying a word, turned to
+his men, who were standing by their guns already shotted and primed,
+and simply called out, "Fire!" The men were slightly surprised at
+the order, there being no particular object within range, when an old
+grey-headed Irish sergeant stepped up with "Plaze, yer honour, what
+shall we fire at?" "Fire at the crisis," said Duncan. "Didn't you hear
+the general say it had come?"
+
+
+A SHREWD NIGGER.--557.
+
+"Why don't you enlist, Ginger?" asked a white patriot of a negro.
+"Wal, mas'r," replied the contraband, "did yever see two dogs fightin'
+for a bone?" "Certainly, Ginger." "Wal, did yever see de bone fight?"
+"Not I." "Wal, mas'r, you'se both a fightin', and Ginger's de bone,
+an' he's not gwine to fight in this hyar difficulmty."
+
+
+AN AMERICAN "HELP."--558.
+
+The following amusing description of an American servant we extract
+from a letter from New York:--An American "help" is no menial. She is
+spoken of, not satirically, but in simple good faith, as "the young
+lady" who "picks up" the house and "fixes" the dinner-table. Before
+she agrees to enter a family she cross-examines her mistress as to
+whether the house is provided with Hecker's flour, and Berbe's range;
+brass pails; oil-cloth on the stairs; and hot and cold water laid on.
+Then she states the domestic "platform" on which she is prepared to
+act. "Monday I bakes; and nobody speaks to me. Tuesday I washes; I'se
+to be let alone. Wednesday I irons; you'd best let me be that day.
+Thursday I picks up the house; I'm awful ugly that day in temper, but
+affectionate. Friday I bakes again. Saturday my beau comes. And Sunday
+I has to myself." The "help," I repeat, is a young lady. She attends
+lectures, and may some day become a member of a Woman's Rights'
+Convention; and it is because she is a young lady, and the persons
+who require her assistance do not choose to run the risk of being
+driven raving mad by her perversity and her impertinence, that so many
+married couples in the United States never venture on housekeeping for
+themselves, but live from year's end to year's end in uproarious and
+comfortless hotels.
+
+
+GERMAN WINES.--559.
+
+The _Philadelphia Gazette_ assures its readers that some of the German
+wines are as sour as vinegar, and as rough as a file. It is remarked
+of the wines of Stuttgard, says this authority, that one is like a cat
+scampering down your throat headforemost, and another is like drawing
+the same cat back again by its tail.
+
+
+THE GENERAL NO PATTERN.--560.
+
+A private one day lumbered into the presence of General Thomas and
+asked for furlough, adding: "General, I wish to go home to see my
+wife." "How long is it since you have seen your wife?" inquired the
+General. "Why," answered the soldier, "I have not seen my wife for
+over three months." "Three months!" remarked General Thomas, "why,
+I haven't seen my wife for over three years!" "Well, that may be,"
+rejoined the other, "but you see, General, me and my wife ain't of
+that sort." The private got his furlough after that rub.
+
+
+IT FOLLOWS.--561.
+
+A Yankee pedlar with his cart, overtaking another of his class on
+the road, was thus addressed: "Hallo, what do you carry?" "Drugs and
+medicines," was the reply. "Good," returned the other, "you may go
+ahead; I carry grave-stones."
+
+
+JOSHUA BILLINGS ON HORSES.--562.
+
+Pedigree iz not important for a fast-trotten' hoss; if he kan trot
+fast, never mind the pedigree. Thare iz a grate menny fast men even
+who ain't got no pedigree. Thare ain't much art in drivin' a trotten'
+hoss; just hold him back hard, and holler him ahead hard, that's awl.
+A hoss will trot the fastest down hill, espeshili if the birchin
+brakes. Kuller is no kriterior. I have seen awful mean hosses of all
+kullers, except green. I never seed a mean one of this kuller. Hosses
+live tew an honorabil old age. I often seen them that appeared fully
+prepared for deth. Heathens are awlus kind to hosses; it is among
+Christian people that a hoss haz to trot three mile heats in a hot
+day, for 25,900 dollars counterfeit munny.
+
+
+AMERICAN CURIOSITY.--563.
+
+"You're from down East, I guess?" said a sharp, nasal voice behind
+me. This was a supposition first made in the Portland cars, when I
+was at a loss to know what distinguishing and palpable peculiarity
+marked me as a "down-easter." Better informed now, I replied, "I
+am."--"Going West?" "Yes."--"Travelling alone?" "No."--"Was you raised
+down East?" "No, in the Old Country."--"In the little old island?
+Well, you're kinder glad to leave it, I guess? Are you a widow?"
+"No."--"Are you travelling on business?" "No."--"What business do you
+follow?" "None."--"Well, now, what are you travelling for?" "Health
+and pleasure."--"Well, now, I guess you're pretty considerable rich.
+Coming to settle out West, I suppose?" "No, I'm going back at the end
+of the fall."--"Well, now, if that's not a pretty tough hickory-nut! I
+guess you Britishers are the queerest critturs as ever was raised!"
+
+
+YANKEE INQUISITIVENESS.--564.
+
+One of the last stories of Yankee inquisitiveness makes the victim
+give his tormentor a direct cut, in telling him he wished to be asked
+no further questions. The inquisitor fell back a moment to take
+breath, and change his tactics. The half-suppressed smile on the
+faces of the other passengers soon aroused him to further exertions;
+and, summoning up more resolution, he then began again. "Stranger,
+perhaps you are not aware how mighty hard it is for a Yankee to
+control his curiosity. You'll please excuse me, but I really would
+like to know your name and residence, and the business you follow.
+I expect you ain't ashamed of either of 'em, so now won't you just
+obleedge me?" This appeal brought out the traveller, who, rising up
+to the extremest height allowed by the coach, and throwing back his
+shoulders, replied: "My name is General Andrew Washington. I reside in
+the State of Mississipi. I am a gentleman of leisure, and, I am glad
+to be able to say, of extensive means. I have heard much of New York,
+and I am on my way to see it; and, if I like it as well as I am led to
+expect, _I intend to--buy it_." Then was heard a shout of stentorian
+laughter throughout the stage-coach, and this was the last of that
+conversation.
+
+
+THE AMENDE HONOURABLE.--565.
+
+A Pennsylvania paper contains the subjoined _amende honourable_,
+which ought to satisfy any reasonable being:--"AMENDE
+HONOURABLE:--We yesterday spoke of Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut
+Street Theatre, as a 'thing.' Mr. H. having complained of our remark,
+we willingly retract, and here state that Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut
+Street Theatre, is _no-thing_."
+
+
+YANKEE PORTRAIT OF JOHN BULL.--566.
+
+An American writer says: "John Bull is altogether too superfluous and
+clumsy; his proportions want regulating; his belly is too protuberant;
+his neck too thick; his feet too spreading; his hands too large and
+podgy; his lips too spongy and everted; his cheeks too pendulous; his
+nose too lobular, blunt, and bottle-like; his expression altogether
+too beef-eating. In a word, according to our taste, John Bull won't
+do, and must be done over again. The American is an Englishman
+without his caution, his reserve, his fixed habits, his cant, and his
+stolidity."
+
+
+A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.--567.
+
+A St. Louis paper informs its readers that the anthracite coal, found
+lately in Missouri, looks like coal, feels like coal, and smells like
+coal; all the difference is that coal burns, and that will not.
+
+
+HALF GUILTY.--568.
+
+A man was on trial for _entering_ a house in Philadelphia in the night
+time, with intent to steal. The testimony was clear that he had made
+an opening sufficiently large to admit the upper part of his body, and
+through which he protruded himself about half way, and, stretching
+out his arm, committed the theft. Mr. Obfusticate Brief addressed the
+jury. "What an outrage (looking horrified, and with outstretched and
+trembling arms)! I repeat, what an outrage upon your common sense it
+is for the State's Attorney to ask at your hands the conviction of my
+client on such testimony! The law is against _entering_ a house, and
+can a man be said to _enter_ a house when only _one-half_ of his body
+is _in_, and the other half _out_?" The jury brought in a verdict of
+"guilty," as to one-half of his body, from his waist up, and "not
+guilty" as to the other half! The judge sentenced the guilty half to
+one year's imprisonment, leaving it to the prisoner's option to have
+the innocent half cut off, or to take it along with him.
+
+
+THE OTHER IMPEDIMENT.--569.
+
+A handsome young pedlar made love to a buxom widow in Pennsylvania.
+He accompanied his declaration with an allusion to two impediments
+to their union. "Name them," said the widow. "The want of means to
+set up a retail store." They parted, and the widow sent the pedler a
+cheque for ample means. When they met again the pedler had hired and
+stocked his store, and the smiling fair one begged to know the other
+impediment. "_I have a wife already._"
+
+
+WONDERFUL, IF TRUE.--570.
+
+A Western hunter and his brother spent a year in and about the Rocky
+Mountains. They had two rifles, one bullet, and one keg of powder.
+With these, he says, they killed on an average 27 head of buffaloes
+a day. The fact that they did all this with one bullet led to the
+following cross question:--"How did you kill all these buffaloes with
+only one bullet?" "Listen, and I'll explain," said the hunter. "We
+shot a buffalo; I stood on one side, and my brother on the other.
+Brother fired; the ball passed into the barrel of my rifle. The next
+time, I fired, and brother caught my ball in his rifle. We kept up the
+hunt for twelve months, killing nearly 200 buffaloes per week, and yet
+brought home the same ball we started with."
+
+
+JONATHAN'S GUESS.--571.
+
+A "notion seller" was offering Yankee clocks highly varnished and
+coloured, and with a looking-glass in front, to a certain lady not
+remarkable for personal beauty. "Why, it's beautiful," said the
+vendor. "Beautiful, indeed! a look at it almost frightens me!" said
+the lady. "Then, marm," replied Jonathan, "I guess you'd better buy
+one that han't got no looking-glass."
+
+
+SURE OF IT.--572.
+
+A coloured individual in New York, who was hit on the side of his head
+by a rotten tomato which a mischievous boy threw at him, placed his
+hand on the spot, and finding some red liquid upon it that he supposed
+was blood, dropped upon the pathway, and exclaimed in the anguish of
+his heart, "I'se a dead nigger dis time, sure!"
+
+
+PICTURE-DEALING.--573.
+
+A Boston paper contains this advertisement:--"A great bargain. To
+all who may enclose one dollar I will send, post paid, a finely-cut
+engraved portrait of George Washington, the Father of his Country,
+together with an elegant portrait of Benjamin Franklin. Either
+separately at four shillings. Address, H. C. C., ---- Street,
+Boston." The fellow actually sent back a three-cent and a one-cent
+postage-stamp, ornamented with the finely-engraved heads!
+
+
+STRETCH OF IMAGINATION.--574.
+
+Ike Johnstone was down to de ingia-rubber store last week, and he
+asked me to talk wid de man behind de counter, while he could steal
+a pair ob suspenders. So he took hold ob a pair by de end and stowed
+dem away down in his pocket, and went out widout unhooken em from de
+nail dey was hangin' on; and when he got home he was showin' em to de
+old woman, and as he was passin' em ober to her, dey slipp'd fro his
+fingers, and flew back to de store wid such force dat dey busted in de
+sash, killed de clerk, and knocked all de money out ob de draw.
+
+
+ADVICE TO DOCTORS.--575.
+
+Have you heard of the Bowery boy who, being cut short in a hard
+life by a sore disease which quickly brought him to death's door,
+was informed by his physician that medicine could do nothing for
+him. "What's my chances, doctor?"--"Not worth speaking of." "One in
+twenty?"--"Oh, no." "In thirty?"--"No." "Fifty?"--"I think not." "A
+hundred?"--"Well, perhaps there may be one in a hundred." "I say,
+then, doctor," pulling him close down, and whispering with feeble
+earnestness in his ear, "jest go in like all thunder on that one
+chance." The doctor "went in," and the patient recovered.
+
+
+SETTING THE TIME.--576.
+
+A close-fisted old farmer had a likely daughter, whose opening charms
+attracted the attention of a certain young man. After some little
+manoeuvring, he ventured to open a courtship. On the first night of
+his appearance in the parlour, the old man, after dozing in his chair
+until nine o'clock, arose, and putting a log of wood on the fire, said
+as he left the room, "There, Nancy, when that log of wood burns out it
+is time for James to go home."
+
+
+REMARKABLY SOCIABLE.--577.
+
+Governor Powell, of Kentucky, was once a great favourite. He never
+was an orator, but his conversational, story-telling, and social
+qualities were remarkable. His great forte lay in establishing a
+personal intimacy with every one he met, and in this he was powerful
+in electioneering. He chewed immense quantities of tobacco, but never
+carried the weed himself, and was always begging it from every one
+he met. His residence was in Henderson, and in coming up the Ohio,
+past that place, I overheard the following characteristic anecdote
+of Lazarus:--A citizen of Henderson coming on board, fell into
+conversation with a passenger, who made some inquiries about Powell.
+"Lives in your place, I believe, don't he?"--"Yes; one of our oldest
+citizens." "Very sociable man, ain't he?"--"Remarkably so." "Well, I
+thought so. I think he is one of the most sociable men I ever met in
+all my life. Wonderfully sociable! I was introduced to him over at
+Grayson Springs, last summer, and he hadn't been with me ten minutes
+when he begged all the tobacco I had, got his feet up in my lap, and
+spit all over me! Re-mark-a-bly sociable!"
+
+
+THE HOUSE THAT JEFF. BUILT.--578.
+
+The _Hartford Post_ says:--
+
+The following history of the celebrated edifice erected by J. Davis,
+Esq., is authentic. It was written for the purpose of giving infant
+politicians a clear, concise, and truthful description of the
+habitation, and the fortunes, and misfortunes, and doings of the
+inmates:--
+
+I. THE SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY.--That is the house that Jeff.
+built.
+
+II. THE ETHIOPIAN.--This is the malt that lay in the house
+that Jeff. built.
+
+III. THE UNDERGROUND RAILROAD.--This is the rat that eat the
+malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
+
+IV. THE FUGITIVE SLAVE LAW.--This is the cat that killed the
+rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
+
+V. THE PERSONAL LIBERTY BILL.--This is the dog that worried
+the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house
+that Jeff. built.
+
+VI. CHIEF JUSTICE TANEY.--This is the cow with crumpled horn
+that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat
+the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
+
+VII. JAMES BUCHANAN.--This is the maiden all forlorn that
+milked the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the
+cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that
+Jeff. built.
+
+VIII. C. CESH.--This is the man all tattered and torn that
+married the maiden all forlorn that milked the cow with crumpled horn
+that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat
+the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
+
+IX. PLUNDER.--This is the priest all shaven and shorn that
+married the man all tattered and torn to the maiden all forlorn that
+milked the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the
+cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that
+Jeff. built.
+
+
+PUZZLED.--579.
+
+At the Sutter House, Sacramento, a New Yorker, newly arrived, was
+lamenting his condition, and his folly in leaving an abundance at
+home, and especially two beautiful daughters, who were just budding
+into womanhood, when he asked the other if he had a family. "Yes,
+Sir, I have a wife and six children in New York, and I never saw one
+of them." After this reply, the couple sat a few minutes in silence,
+and then the interrogator again commenced. "Were you ever blind,
+Sir?"--"No, Sir." "Did you marry a widow, Sir?"--"No, Sir." Another
+lapse of silence. "Did I understand you to say, Sir, that you had a
+wife and six children living in New York, and had never seen one of
+them?"--"Yes, Sir, I so stated it." Another and a longer pause of
+silence. The interrogator again enquired--"How can it be, Sir, that
+you never saw one of them?" "Why," was the response, "_one_ of them
+was born after I left." "Oh, ah!" and a general laugh followed. After
+that, the first New Yorker was especially distinguished as the man who
+has six children and never saw one of them.
+
+
+THE PAPER COLLARS.--580.
+
+It is said the Southerns captured at Mansfield two waggons loaded
+with paper collars, and that General Dick Taylor returned the collars
+through a flag of truce, with a letter to General Banks, in which the
+facetious rebel said:--"I have boiled, baked, and stewed these things,
+and can do nothing with them. We cannot eat them. They are a luxury
+for which we have no use, and I would like, therefore, to exchange
+them for a like quantity of hard tack." The joke is a good one, and
+has convulsed the Western boys, who have no great admiration for the
+"Liberator of Louisiana." When the Western troops passed General
+Banks's head-quarters, coming into Alexandria, they groaned, jeered,
+and called aloud, "How about those paper collars?"
+
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT.--581.
+
+Many of the United States papers give with every death they announce
+the name of the physician who attended the defunct. The following
+specimen, from a New Orleans journal, will show the business-like
+manner in which the matter is gone about:--"Died, at his house in
+Cotton Street, Jonathan Smith, storekeeper. He was a well-doing
+citizen, and deservedly respected. His wife carries on the store.
+Gregson physician." The name of the doctor renders the affair complete.
+
+
+PROFIT AND LOSS.--582.
+
+The keeper of a groggery in New York happened one day to break one
+of his tumblers. He stood for a moment looking at the fragments,
+reflecting on his loss; and then turning to his assistant, he cried
+out, "Tom, put a quart of water into that old Cognac."
+
+
+THE "NAYGERS."--583.
+
+When the question of the enlistment of the negroes in the Northern
+army was first mooted, the following song made its appearance, and
+became very popular. It is supposed to be written by one Miles
+O'Reilly, a private soldier in the Army of the Potomac. Miles is
+altogether an imaginary personage, and is represented by his clever
+inventors as the typical Hibernian soldier of the war. The song is
+sung to the Irish air of the "Low-backed Car":--
+
+     "Some tell us 'tis a burning shame
+       To make the naygers fight,
+     And that the thrade of being kilt
+       Belongs but to the white;
+     But as for me, upon my sowl--
+       So liberal are we here--
+     I'll let Sambo be murther'd instead of myself
+       On every day in the year.
+           On every day in the year, boys,
+             And in every hour of the day,
+           The right to be killt I'll divide wid him,
+             And divil a word I'll say.
+
+     "In battle's wild commotion
+       I shouldn't at all object
+     If Sambo's body should stop a ball
+       That was coming for me direct.
+     And the prod of a Southern bagnet--
+       So generous are we here--
+     I'll resign, and let Sambo take it
+       On every day in the year.
+           So hear me, all boys, darlins,
+             Don't think I'm tippin' you chaff,
+           The right to be killt we'll divide wid him,
+             And give him the largest half."
+
+
+PICKLED ELEPHANT.--584.
+
+Old Rowe kept a hotel in the northern part of York State, which
+he boasted was the best in those parts; where, as he used to say,
+you could get anything that was ever made to eat. One day in came
+a Yankee. He sent his horse round to the stable, and stepping up
+to the bar, asked old Rowe what he could give him for dinner.
+"Anything, Sir," said old Rowe; "anything from a pickled elephant
+to a canary-bird's tongue." "Wal," says the Yankee, eyeing Rowe, "I
+guess I'll take a piece of pickled elephant." Out bustles Howe into
+the dining-room, leaving our Yankee friend nonplussed at his gravity.
+Presently he comes back again. "Well, we've got 'em; got 'em all
+ready, right here in the house; but you'll have to take a whole 'un,
+'cause we never cut 'em." The Yankee thought he would take some cod
+fish and potatoes.
+
+
+SAME DRUNK.--585.
+
+A gentleman, finding his servant intoxicated, said, "What, drunk
+again, Sam? I scolded you for being drunk last night, and here you
+are drunk again." "No, massa; same drunk, massa, same drunk," replied
+Sambo.
+
+
+CATCHING.--586.
+
+"Jem, you've been drinking." "No, I haven't; I've been looking at
+another man drinking, and it was too much for me."
+
+
+TO MAKE LEECHES BITE.--587.
+
+If the leech will not bite, bind him apprentice to a broker for a
+week, and his teeth will become so sharp that he will bite through the
+bottom of a brass kettle.
+
+
+LACONIC.--588.
+
+"Hillo, master," said a Yankee to a teamster, who appeared in
+something of a hurry, "What time is it?--Where are you going?--How
+deep is the creek?--And what is the price of the butter?" "Past one,
+almost two--home--waist deep--and elevenpence," was the reply.
+
+
+AIDS TO MEMORY.--589.
+
+A paper publishes a story in which it is stated that a man who came
+very near drowning had a wonderful recollection of every event which
+had occurred during his life. There are a _few_ of our subscribers
+whom we would recommend to practice bathing in deep water.
+
+
+SIMMONS ON LIFE.--590.
+
+"What is the use of living?" asked Jack Simmons the other day. "We
+are flogged for crying when we are babies, flogged because the master
+is cross when we are boys, obliged to toil, sick or well, or starve,
+when we are men, to toil still harder when we are husbands, and after
+exhausting life and strength in the service of other people, die, and
+leave our children to quarrel about the possession of father's watch,
+and our wives to catch somebody else."
+
+
+CUTE EXPEDIENT.--591.
+
+There was a law in Boston against smoking in the street. A down-easter
+strutted about the city one day, puffing at a cigar. Up walked the
+constable. "Guess your smokin'," he said. "You'll pay two dollars,
+stranger." "I ain't smokin'," was the quick response, "try the weed
+yourself; it ain't alight." The constable took a pull at the cigar,
+and out came a long puff of white smoke. "Guess you'll pay _me_ two
+dollars," said the down-easter, quietly. "Wal," replied the constable,
+"I calc'late you're considerable sharp. S'pose we liquor."
+
+
+A MILD ASSERTION.--592.
+
+This is to certify that I have always been bald, and have used up a
+barrel of common hair-dye. I accidentally heard of your Invigorator,
+and purchased a bottle, and carried it home in my overcoat pocket.
+The pocket was full of hair when I got home! I took the bottle and
+held it in the sun, when the shadow fell on my head. A thick head of
+chestnut-coloured hair grew out in thirty minutes by the watch, all
+curled and perfumed. Send me twenty bottles by return mail.
+
+
+FRIENDLY NOTICE.--593.
+
+The editor of the _Florence Inquirer_ gives the following notice to
+one of his friends--"The gentleman who took out of our library the
+number of _Graham's Magazine_, is respectfully invited to call again
+in about two weeks and get the number for August."
+
+
+TIPPING THEM LATIN.--594.
+
+Andrew Jackson was once making a stump speech out West in a small
+village. Just as he was concluding amen, Kendall, who sat behind
+him, whispered, "Tip 'em a little Latin, General; they won't be
+content without it." The man of iron instantly thought upon a few
+phrases he knew, and in a voice of thunder he wound up his speech by
+exclaiming--"_E pluribus unum--sine qua non--ne plus ultra--multum in
+parvo_." The effect was tremendous, and the Hoosier's shouts could be
+heard for miles.
+
+
+A SOLID REASON.--595.
+
+A distinguished Southern gentleman, dining at a New York hotel, was
+annoyed at a negro servant continually waiting upon him, and desired
+him one day at dinner to retire. "Excuse me, Sir," said Cuffy, drawing
+himself up, "but I'se 'sponsible for de silver."
+
+
+SQUASHED.--596.
+
+A romantic youth, promenading in a fashionable street in New York,
+picked up a thimble. He stood awhile, meditating upon the probable
+beauty of the owner, when he pressed it to his lips, saying, "Oh,
+that it were the fair cheek of the wearer!" Just as he had finished,
+a stout, elderly negress looked out of an upper window, and said,
+"Massa, jist please to bring dat fimble of mine in de entry--I jist
+drapt it."
+
+
+BRIGHT AND BLUE.--597.
+
+I met her in the sunset bright, her gingham gown was blue; her eyes,
+that danced with pure delight, were of the same dear hue. And always
+when the sun goes down, I think of the girl in the gingham gown.
+
+
+OYSTERS.--598.
+
+A man seeing an oyster vendor pass by, called out, "Give me a pound
+of oysters!" "We sell oysters by measure, not by weight," replied the
+other. "Well," said he, "give me a yard of them."
+
+
+ABSTRACTION.--599.
+
+An editor at a dinner-table being asked if he would take some pudding,
+replied in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter we
+are unable to find room for it."
+
+
+MODERN DEFINITIONS NOT FOUND IN ANY OF THE ANCIENT DICTIONARIES.--600.
+
+_Hard Times._--Sitting on a cold grindstone and reading the
+President's message.
+
+_Love._--A little world within itself intimately connected with shovel
+and tongs.
+
+_Genteel Society._--A place where the rake is honoured and the
+moralist condemned.
+
+_Poetry._--A bottle of ink thrown over a sheet of foolscap.
+
+_Politician._--A fellow that culls all his knowledge from borrowed
+newspapers.
+
+_Patriot._--A man who has neither property nor reputation to lose.
+
+_Independence._--Owing fifty thousand dollars which you never intend
+to pay.
+
+_Lovely Woman._--An article manufactured by milliners.
+
+     "One wants but little here below,
+     And wants that little for a _show_."
+
+
+FIRM FOUNDATION.--601.
+
+The editor of the _Albany Express_ says, the only reason why his
+dwelling was not blown away in a late storm was because there was a
+heavy mortgage on it.
+
+
+GALLANT CORRECTION.--602.
+
+An American agricultural society offers premiums to farmers'
+daughters--"girls under twenty-one years of age," who shall exhibit
+the best lots of butter, not less than 10 lbs. "That's all right,"
+says a New York paper, "save the insinuation that some girls are over
+twenty-one years of age."
+
+
+HARD HEARING.--603.
+
+We know a man down East whose hearing is so hard that he broke it up
+and sold it for gun-flints.
+
+
+YANKEE MODESTY.--604.
+
+I cannot bear egotism. I never like to praise myself; but, humanly
+speaking, I can double up any two men in these diggings, take the bark
+off a tree by looking at it, and bore a hole through a board fence
+with my eye. But I don't praise myself. I leave others to give my
+character.
+
+
+A REBUKE.--605.
+
+A Yankee, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, assured
+General Jackson that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said
+Old Hickory, "be careful the next time you run away, and don't look
+back."
+
+
+MONSTER PUNCH-BOWL.--606.
+
+A Kentuckian, on hearing praised the Rutland Punch-bowl, which on the
+christening of the young Marquis was built so large that a small boat
+was actually set sailing upon it, in which a boy sat, who laddled out
+the liquor, exclaimed, "I guess I've seen a bowl that 'ud beat that to
+smash; for, at my brother's christening, the bowl was so deep, that
+when we young'uns said it warn't sweet enough, father sent a man down
+in a diving-bell to stir up the sugar at the bottom."
+
+
+LONG LIVERS.--607.
+
+The people live uncommon long at Vermont. There are two men there so
+old that they have forgotten who they are, and there is nobody alive
+who can remember it for them.
+
+
+REMARKABLE SKIPPER.--608.
+
+It is said that there is a skipper in New York who has crossed the
+Atlantic so often that he knows every wave by sight.
+
+
+YOUTH INDIGNANT.--609.
+
+A lad was subpoenaed as a witness in one of the American courts.
+The judge said, "Put the boy upon evidence," upon hearing which young
+America exclaimed, "Who are you calling a boy? W'e chewed baccy these
+two years."
+
+
+DANIEL WEBSTER.--610.
+
+The _Salem Register_ tells this good story. Daniel Webster was once
+standing in company with several other gentlemen in the Capitol at
+Washington, as a drove of mules were going past. "Webster," said one
+of the Southern gentlemen, "there go some of your constituents."
+"Yes," instantly replied Mr. Webster, "they are going South to teach
+school."
+
+
+THANKS TO HIS HENS.--611.
+
+A man in Missouri planted some beans late one afternoon, and next
+morning they were _up_--thanks to his hens.
+
+
+CONFIDENCE NECESSARY.--612.
+
+The _Boston Post_ says--"All that is necessary for the enjoyment of
+sausages is _confidence_."
+
+
+PAINFUL NECESSITY.--613.
+
+During the long drought of last summer, an American paper says, water
+became so scarce in a certain parish that the farmers' wives were
+obliged to send their milk to town genuine.
+
+
+ANSWERED AT ONCE.--614.
+
+An American clergyman, preaching a drowsy sermon, asked, "What is the
+price of earthly pleasure?" The deacon, a fat grocer, woke up hastily
+from a sound sleep, and cried out lustily, "Seven and sixpence a
+dozen."
+
+
+MORE COPY.--615.
+
+Once in autumn, wet and dreary, sat this writer, weak and weary,
+pondering over a memorandum book of items used before--book of
+scrawling head notes, rather; items taking days to gather them in hot
+and sultry weather, using up much time and leather, pondered we those
+times o'er. While we conned them, slowly rocking (through our mind
+queer ideas flocking) came a quick and nervous knocking--knocking at
+our sanctum door. "Sure, that must be Jinks," we muttered--"Jinks
+that's knocking at our door; Jinks, the everlasting bore." Ah, well
+do we remind us, in the walls which then confined us, the "exchanges,"
+lay behind us, and before us, and around us, all scattered o'er the
+floor. Thought we, "Jinks wants to borrow some papers till to-morrow,
+and 'twill be relief from sorrow to get rid of Jinks the bore, by
+opening wide the door." Still the visitor kept knocking--knocking
+louder than before. And the scattered piles of papers, cut some rather
+curious capers, being lifted by the breezes coming through another
+door; and we wished (the wish was evil, for one deemed always civil)
+that Jinks was to the d----l, to stay there evermore; there to find
+his level--Jinks the nerve-unstringing bore. Bracing up our patience
+firmer, then, without another murmur, "Mr. Jinks," said we, "your
+pardon, your forgiveness we implore. But the fact is, we were reading
+of some curious proceeding, and thus it was, unheeding your loud
+knocking there before." Here we opened wide the door. But phancy now
+our pheelins--for it wasn't Jinks the bore--Jinks, nameless, evermore!
+But the form that stood before us, caused a trembling to come o'er
+us, and memory quickly bore us back again to days of yore--days when
+items were in plenty, and where'er this writer went he picked up
+interesting items by the score. 'Twas the form of our "devil," in an
+attitude uncivil; and he thrust his head within the open door, with
+"The foreman's _out o' copy_, sir--he says he wants some more!" Yes,
+like Alexander, wanted "more." Now this "local" had already walked
+about till nearly dead--he had sauntered through the city till his
+feet were very sore--and walked through the street called Market, and
+the byways running off into the portions of the city, both public
+and obscure; had examined store and cellar, and had questioned every
+"feller" whom he met from door to door, if anything was stirring--any
+accident occurring--not published heretofore--and he had met with
+no success; he would rather guess he felt a little wicked at that
+ugly little bore, with the message from the foreman that he wanted
+"something more." "Now, it's time you were departing, you scamp!"
+cried we, upstarting. "Get you back into your office--office where you
+were before--or the words that you have spoken will get your bones all
+broken;" (and we seized a cudgel, oaken--that was lying on the floor);
+"take your hands out of your pockets, and leave the sanctum door; tell
+the foreman there's no copy, you ugly little bore." Quoth the devil,
+"send him more." And our devil, never sitting, still is flitting,
+still is flitting, back and forth upon the landing, just outside the
+sanctum door. Tears adown his cheeks are streaming--strange light from
+his eye is beaming--and his voice is heard, still crying, "Sir, the
+foreman wants some more." And our soul pierced with the screaming, is
+awakened from its dreaming, and has lost the peaceful feeling; for
+the fancy will come o'er us, that each reader's face before us, hears
+the horrid words--"We want a little more!"--Words on their foreheads
+glaring, "Your 'funny' column needs a little more!"
+
+
+POPPING CORN.--616.
+
+     And there they sat a-popping corn,
+       John Stiles and Susan Cutter;
+     John Stiles as stout as any ox,
+       And Susan fat as butter.
+
+     And there they sat and shelled the corn,
+       And raked and stirred the fire,
+     And talked of different kinds of ears,
+       And hitched their chairs up nigher.
+
+     Then Susan she the popper shook,
+       Then John he shook the popper,
+     Till both their faces grew as red
+       As saucepans made of copper.
+
+     And then they shelled and popped and ate,
+       And kinks of fun a-poking,
+     And he haw-hawed at her remarks,
+       And she laughed at his joking.
+
+     And still they popped, and still they ate
+       (John's mouth was like a hopper),
+     And stirred the fire and sparkled salt,
+       And shook and shook the popper.
+
+     The clock struck nine, the clock struck ten,
+       And still the corn kept popping:
+     It struck eleven, and then struck twelve,
+       And still no signs of stopping.
+
+     And John he ate, and Sue she thought--
+       The corn did pop and patter,
+     Till John cried out: "The corn's a fire!
+       Why, Susan, what's the matter?"
+
+     Said she, "John Stiles, it's one o'clock;
+       You'll die of indigestion;
+     I'm sick of all this popping corn,
+       Why don't you Pop the Question?"
+
+
+POWERFUL SERMON.--617.
+
+Judge ---- had noticed for some time that on Monday morning his
+Jamaica was considerably lighter than he had left it on Saturday
+night. Another fact had established itself in his mind. His son Sam
+was missing from the parental pew on Sundays. On Sunday afternoon, Sam
+came in and went up stairs very heavy, when the judge put the question
+to him: "Sam, where have you been?" "To church, sir," was the prompt
+reply.--"What church, Sam?" "Second Methodist, sir."--"Had a good
+sermon, Sam?" "Very powerful, sir; it quite staggered me."--"Ah! I
+see," said the Judge, "quite powerful!" The next Sunday the son came
+home rather earlier than usual, and apparently not so much under the
+weather. His father hailed him with, "Well, Sam, been to the Second
+Methodist again to-day?" "Yes, sir."--"Good sermon, my boy?" "Fact
+was, father, that I couldn't get in; the church was shut up, and a
+ticket on the door."--"Sorry, Sam; keep going, you may get good by it
+yet." Sam says that on going to the office for his usual refreshment,
+he found the "John" empty, and bearing the following label:--"There
+will be no service here to-day; the church is temporarily closed."
+
+
+HUGGING.--618.
+
+An editor in Iowa has been fined two hundred dollars for hugging a
+girl in church.--_Early Argus._ Cheap enough! We once hugged a girl
+in church some ten years ago, and it has cost a thousand a year ever
+since.--_Chicago Young American._
+
+
+TART.--619.
+
+Mr. Mewins was courting a young lady of some attractions, and
+something of a fortune into the bargain. After a liberal arrangement
+had been made for the young lady by her father, Mr. Mewins, having
+taken a particular fancy to a little brown mare, demanded that it
+should be thrown into the bargain; and, upon a positive refusal, the
+match was broken off. After a couple of years the parties accidentally
+met at a country ball. Mr. Mewins was quite willing to renew the
+engagement. The lady appeared not to have the slightest recollection
+of him. "Surely you have not forgotten me," said he.--"What name,
+sir?" she inquired. "Mewins," he replied; "I had the honour of paying
+my addresses to you, about two years ago." "I remember a person of
+that name," she rejoined, "who paid his attentions to my father's
+brown mare."
+
+
+WHO FIDDLED.--620.
+
+In the Pennsylvania Legislature, two years ago, there was a member
+named Charlie Wilson, from one of the Northern frontier counties,
+who considered himself among the great orators of the day, and, when
+pretty well filled with "Harrisburg water," would get off for the
+edification of his colleagues some very rich illustrations. Being
+somewhat interested in a bill before the House, he made what he
+considered one of his master-speeches, during the delivery of which he
+used the illustration of "Nero fiddling while Rome was burning." He
+had scarcely taken his seat when a member tapped him on the shoulder,
+and said: "Say, Charlie, it wasn't Nero that 'fiddled,' it was Cæsar.
+You should correct that before it goes on the record." In an instant
+he was upon his feet, and exclaimed. "Mr. Speaker--Mr. Speaker--I
+made a mistake. It wasn't Nero that 'fiddled' while Rome was burning;
+it was _Julius Cæsar_." Happily for him, the Speaker was so busily
+engaged that he did not hear him; but some members near heard and
+enjoyed the joke. Afterwards some one told him that he was right in
+the first place, which resulted in his reading all the ancient history
+in the State Library during the remainder of the winter, to assure
+himself as to who it was that "fiddled."
+
+
+BONNETS.--621.
+
+An old bachelor, who has evidently been taken in by a love of a
+bonnet, thus discourseth:--
+
+     "No matter where you may chance to be,
+     No matter how many women you see--
+     A promiscuous crowd, or a certain she--
+       You may fully depend upon it,
+     That a gem of the very rarest kind,
+     A thing most difficult to find,
+     A pet for which we long have pined,
+       Is a 'perfect love of a bonnet.'"
+
+
+SAVED THE LEATHER.--622.
+
+An old man, rather elevated, bought a pair of new shoes, and, in
+order to save their soles, walked home barefoot. He had not walked
+far before his toe was brought too near to a large stone (considering
+the latter was the harder of the two). He received a severe blow, and
+began limping across the street, shoe in hand, groaning out: "Oh! how
+glad I am I hadn't my new shoes on!"
+
+
+LEGISLATION.--623.
+
+A Virginia lawyer once objected to an expression of the Act of
+Assembly of the State of Pennsylvania, that "the State House yard
+should be surrounded by a brick wall, and remain an open enclosure
+for ever." "But," replied a Pennsylvanian who was present, "I put it
+down by that Act of the Legislature of Virginia which is entitled 'A
+Supplement to an Act to amend an Act making it penal to alter the mark
+of an unmarked hog.'"
+
+
+WHEN WILL THEY MEET?--624.
+
+There is a curious duel now pending in Boston which began ten years
+ago. Mr. A., a bachelor, challenged Mr. B., a married man, with one
+child, who replied that the conditions were not equal--that he must
+necessarily put more at risk with his life than the other, and he
+declined. A year afterwards he received a challenge from Mr. A.,
+who stated that he too had now a wife and child, and he supposed,
+therefore, the objection of Mr. B. was no longer valid. Mr. B.
+replied that he now had two children, consequently the inequality
+still subsisted. The next year Mr. A. renewed the challenge, having
+now two children also; but his adversary had three. The matter when
+last heard from was still going on, the numbers being six to seven,
+and the challenge yearly renewed.
+
+
+THE MILLENNIUM AT HAND.--625.
+
+An editor of a Boston paper thinks that the millennium is at hand, and
+gives his reasons. He says that an inspector of long and dry measures
+in Baltimore, while going his rounds, cut a full quarter of an inch
+from a yard-stick in a dry-goods' store in that city, it being that
+much _too long_.
+
+
+SAYINGS WISE AND WITTY.--626.
+
+It iz highly important that when a man makes up hiz mind tew bekum
+a raskal, that he should examine hizself clusly, and see if he aint
+better konstrukted for a phool.
+
+I argy in this way; if a man iz right, he kant be too radikal; if he
+iz rong, he kant be too consarvatiff.
+
+"Tell the truth, and shame the Devil;" i kno lots ov people who kan
+shame the devil eazy enuff, but the tother thing bothers them.
+
+It iz a verry delikate job tew forgive a man, without lowering him in
+hiz own estimashun, and yures too.
+
+Az a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches she haz a good
+rite tew them.
+
+It iz admitted now bi evryboddy that the man who kan git fat on
+berlony sassage has got a good deal of dorg in him.
+
+Wooman's inflooenze iz powerful, espeshila when she wants ennything.
+
+Sticking up yure noze don't prove ennything, for a sope biler, when he
+iz away from his hum, smells evrything.
+
+No man luvs tew git beat, but it iz better tew git beat than tew be
+rong.
+
+Don't mistake arroganse for wisdom; menny people hav thought they wuz
+wize, when tha waz onla windy.
+
+Men aint apt tew git kicked out ov good society for being ritch.
+
+The rode tew Ruin iz alwus kept in good repair, and the travelers pa
+the expense ov it.
+
+If a man begins life bi being a fust Lutenant in hiz familee, he need
+never tew look for promoshun.
+
+The only proffit thare is in keeping more than one dorg iz what you
+kan make on the board.
+
+Young man, study Defference; it iz the best card in the pack.
+
+Honesta iz the poor man's pork, and the rich man's pudding.
+
+Thare iz a luxury in sumtimes feeling lonesum.
+
+Thare is onla one advantage, that i kan see, in going tew the Devil,
+and that iz the rode iz easy, and yu are sure to git there.
+
+Lastly, i am violently oppozed tew ardent speerits as a bevridge; but
+for manufakturing purposes i think a leetle ov it tastes good.
+
+            JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+HER MARRIAGE GIFT.--627.
+
+A country girl, desirous of matrimony, received from her mistress a
+twenty dollar bill for her marriage gift. Her mistress desired to see
+the object of Susan's favour, and a diminutive fellow, swarthy as a
+Moor, and ill-favoured generally, made his appearance. "Oh, Susan!"
+said her mistress, "how small; what a strange choice you have made."
+"La, ma'am," answered Sue, "in such hard times as these, when all tall
+and handsome fellows are off to the war, what more of a man than this
+would you expect for twenty dollars?"
+
+
+A FINE STREAM.--628.
+
+A Philadelphia judge, well known for his love of jokes, advertised a
+farm for sale, with a fine stream of water running through it. A few
+days afterwards a gentleman called on him to speak about it. "Well,
+judge," said he, "I have been over that farm you advertised for sale
+the other day, and find all right, except the find stream of water you
+mentioned."--"It runs through the piece of wood in the lower part of
+the meadow," said the judge.--"What, that little brook? Why, it does
+not hold much more than a spoonful. I am sure if you empty a bowl of
+water into it it would overflow. You don't call that a fine stream,
+do you?"--"Why, if it was a little finer you couldn't see it at all,"
+said the judge, blandly.
+
+
+KNOWING, AND NOT KNOWING.--629.
+
+"Never go to bed," said a father to his son, "without knowing
+something you did not know in the morning." "Yes, sir," replied the
+youth, "I went to bed tipsy last night; didn't dream of such a thing
+in the morning."
+
+
+WAR PHRASES.--630.
+
+The Confederates at Atlanta were in the habit of throwing immense
+64-pound shells. When these were seen coming, the Federal soldiers
+would warn each other by such expressions as "Look out for the
+cart-wheel!" "There comes an anchor!" "Look out for that blacksmith's
+shop!"
+
+
+FOND OF SOCIETY.--631.
+
+A lady, who was in the habit of spending a large portion of her
+time in the society of her neighbours, happened one day to be taken
+suddenly ill, and sent her husband in great haste for a physician. The
+husband ran a few rods, but soon returned, exclaiming: "My dear, where
+shall I find you when I get back?"
+
+
+ARTEMUS WARD'S COURTSHIP.--632.
+
+There was many affectin' ties which made one hanker arter Betsy
+Jane. Her father's farm joined our'n; their cows and our'n squencht
+their thurst at the same spring; our old mares both had stars in
+their forreds; the measles broke out in both famerlies at nearly the
+same period; our parients (Betsy's and mine) slept regularly every
+Sunday in the same meeting-house; and the nabers used to observe:
+"How thick the Wards and Peasleys air!" It was a surblime site, in
+the spring of the year, to see our sevral mothers (Betsy's and mine)
+with their gowns pin'd up so they couldn't sile 'em, affecshuntly
+Bilin sope together & aboozin the nabers. Altho' I hanker'd intensly
+arter the objeck of my affecshuns, I darsent tell her of the fires
+which was rajin in my manly Buzzum. I'd try to do it, but my tung
+would kerwollop up agin the roof of my mouth & stick thar, like deth
+to a deseast Afrikan, or a country postmaster to his offiss, while
+my hart whanged agin my ribs like a old-fashioned wheat Flale agin a
+barn floor. 'Twas a carm still nite in Joon. All nater was husht,
+and nary zeffer disturbed the sereen silens. I sot with Betsy Jane on
+the fense of her father's pastur. We'd bin rompin threw the woods,
+kullin flowrs, & drivin the woodchuck from his Native Lair (so to
+speak) with long sticks. Wall, we sot thar on the fense, a swingin
+our feet two and fro, blushin as red as the Baldinsville skool-house
+when it was fust painted, and looking very simple, I make no doubt.
+My left arm was ockepied in ballunsin myself on the fense, while my
+rite was wounded lovingly round her waste. I cleared my throat, and
+tremblinly sed: "Betsy, your'e a Gazelle." I thought that air was
+putty fine. I waited to see what effect it would have upon her. It
+evidently didn't fetch her, for she up and sed: "Your'e a sheep!" Sez
+I: "Betsy, I think very muckly of you." "I don't believe a word you
+say, so there now, cum!" with which obsarvashun she hitched away from
+me. "I wish thar was winders to my Sole," sed I, "so that you could
+see sum of my feelins. Thare's fire enough within," sed I, striking
+my buzzum with my fist, "to bile all the corn beef and turnips in
+the naberhood. Veersoovius and Critter ain't a circumstance!" She
+bow'd her hed down, and commenced chewin the strings to her bonnet.
+"Ar, could you know the sleepless nites I worry threw with on your
+account; how vittles has seized to be attractive to me, & how my
+lims has shrunk up, you wouldn't dowt me. Gaze on this wastin form,
+and these 'ere sunken cheeks." I should have continured on in this
+strane probly for sum time, but unfortnitly I lost one ballanse and
+fell over into the pasture. Ker smash tearin my close, and seveerly
+damagin myself ginerally. Betsy Jane sprang to my assistance in dubble
+quick time, and dragged me 4th. Then, drawin herself up to her full
+hite, sed: "I won't listen to your noncents no longer. Jes say rite
+strate out what your'e drivin at. If you mean gettin hitched, I'M
+IN!" I considered that air enuff for all practical purposes,
+and we proceeded immejitly to the parson's, and was made 1 that very
+nite. I've parst through many tryin ordeels sins then, but Betsy Jane
+has bin troo as steel. By attending strickly to bizness I've amarsed
+a handsome Pittance. No man on this footstool can rise and git up &
+say I ever knowingly injered no man or wimmin folks, while all agree
+that my Show is ekalled by few and excelled by none, embracin, as it
+does, a wonderful colleckshun of livin wild Beests of Pray, snaix in
+great profushun, a endless variety of life-size wax figgers, & the
+only traned Kangaroo in Ameriky--the mos amoozin little cuss ever
+introjuced to a discriminatin public, at the small charge of 15 sents.
+
+
+COLONEL CROCKETT AND THE 'COON.--633.
+
+I discovered a long time ago that a 'coon couldn't stand my grin. I
+could bring one tumbling down from the highest tree. I never wasted
+powder and lead when I wanted one of the creatures. Well, as I was
+walking out one night, a few hundred yards from my house, looking
+carelessly about me, I saw a 'coon planted upon one of the highest
+limbs of an old tree. The night was very moony and clear, and old
+Ratler was with me; but Ratler won't bark at a 'coon--he's a queer
+dog in that way. So I thought I'd bring the lark down in the usual
+way, _by a grin_. I set myself--and, after grinning at the 'coon a
+reasonable time, found that he didn't come down. I wondered what was
+the reason, and I took another steady grin at him. Still he was there.
+It made me a little mad. So I felt round, and got an old limb about
+five feet long, and planting one end upon the ground, I placed my chin
+upon the other, and took a rest. I then grinned my best for about five
+minutes, but the cursed 'coon hung on. So, finding I could not bring
+him down by grinning, I determined to have him, for I thought he must
+be a droll chap. I went over to the house, got my axe, returned to the
+tree, saw the 'coon still there, and began to cut away. Down it come,
+and I run forward; but d----n the 'coon was there to be seen. I found
+that what I had taken for one was a large knot upon a branch of the
+tree, and, upon looking at it closely, I saw that _I had grinned all
+the bark off, and left the knot perfectly smooth_.
+
+
+MODESTY.--634.
+
+"Modesty," says a Yankee editor, "is a quality that highly adorns a
+woman, but ruins a man."
+
+
+SELF-EVIDENT KNOWLEDGE.--635.
+
+A Yankee soldier who read his name in the list of deaths at an
+hospital, wrote home that he didn't believe it. In fact, he knew the
+statement was a falsehood as soon as he read it.
+
+
+OBSTINACY CURED.--636.
+
+A juror held out against his eleven companions in Santa Cruz,
+California. The others, after trying all other means, finally agreed
+to send in a verdict of "Guilty," with the addition, that the
+obstinate member was a great rascal, and confederate of the prisoner.
+He thereupon gave in.
+
+
+NERVE OF FEELING.--637.
+
+A Southern paper says that "a Yankee's chief nerve of feeling is in
+his pocket."--"A rebel is more apt to feel in his neighbour's pocket,"
+replies a Northern journal.
+
+
+TWO MUCH ICE.--638.
+
+A correspondent tells of a chap who was drinking at a bar, and withal
+being tolerably tight, after several ineffectual attempts to raise
+the glass to his lips, succeeded in getting it high enough to pour
+the contents inside his shirt-collar, and set the glass down with the
+exclamation, "That's good, but a little too much ice, landlord!"
+
+
+ALL-HEALING.--639.
+
+A Mormon, named Nichols, made a nerve and bone all-healing salve,
+and thought he would experiment a little with it. He first cut off
+his dog's tail, and applied some to the stump. A new tail grew out
+immediately. He then applied some to the piece of the tail which he
+cut off, and a new dog grew out. He did not know which dog was which.
+
+
+PUTTING A GOOD FACE ON IT.--640.
+
+A writer in the _Chicago Post_ describes how he got out of a bad
+scrape in a police-court:--"The next morning the judge of the
+police-court sent for me. I went down, and he received me cordially.
+Said he heard of the wonderful things I had accomplished by knocking
+down five persons, and assaulting six others, and was proud of me.
+I was a promising young man, and all that. Then he offered a toast,
+'Guilty or Not Guilty?' I responded in a brief but elegant speech,
+setting forth the importance of the occasion that had brought us
+together. After the usual ceremonies, I was requested to lend the city
+ten dollars."
+
+
+OBEYING ORDERS.--641.
+
+An officer down in Georgia tells the following story:--"One night
+General ---- was out on the line, and observed a light by the side of
+the mountain opposite. Thinking it was a signal light of the enemy,
+he remarked to his artillery officer that a hole could easily be put
+through it. Whereupon the officer, turning to the corporal in charge
+of the gun, said, 'Corporal, do you see that light?' 'Yes, sir.' 'Put
+a hole through it,' ordered the captain. The corporal sighted the gun,
+and when all was ready he looked up and said, 'Captain, that's the
+moon!' 'Don't care for that,' was the captain's ready response, 'put a
+hole through it any how.'"
+
+
+NOT EXACTLY.--642.
+
+An Indiana man was travelling down the Ohio in a steamer, with a mare
+and a two-year-old colt, when by a sudden career of the boat, all
+three were tilted into the river. The Indiana man, as he rose puffing
+and blowing above water, caught hold of the tail of the colt, not
+having a doubt that the natural instinct of the animal would take
+him ashore. The old mare took a direct line for the shore; but the
+frightened colt swam lustily down the current with the owner. "Let
+go the colt and hang on the old mare," shouted some of his friends.
+"Pooh, pooh!" exclaimed the Indiana man, spouting the water from his
+mouth, and shaking his head like a Newfoundland dog; "it's mighty
+fine, you telling me to leave go the colt; but to a man that can't
+swim, this ain't exactly the time for changing horses!"
+
+
+THE ANGLER CAUGHT.--643.
+
+"In the summer of 1823," says an American writer, "when a mere lad, I
+was at Swift's, in Sandwich. My then schoolmaster was there also, and
+from him I had the tale. John Brown was the well-known _sobriquet_
+of the fisherman who attended amateur anglers on their excursions.
+John was not remarkable for his veracity, but quite otherwise, when
+his success with the hook and line was the 'subject of his story.'
+One day he was out with Daniel Webster. Both were standing in the
+brook, patient waiters for a bite, when Mr. Webster told John how he
+caught a large, a very large, trout on a former time. 'Your honour,'
+said John, 'that was very well for a gentleman. But once, when I was
+standing down by yonder bush, I took a fish, weighing'--I forget how
+much, but of course many ounces more than the great lawyer's big fish.
+'Ah! John, John,' exclaimed Mr. Webster, 'you are an am_phib_ious
+animal--_you lie in the water, and you lie out of it_!'"
+
+
+SPLENDID FIRING.--644.
+
+They have pretty good marksmen in Vermont. Brown was telling Smith,
+of New Hampshire, the skill of a Green Mountain hunter. "Why," said
+he, "I have seen him take two partridges and let them both go--one in
+front and the other behind him; and he would fire and kill the one
+in front, and then whirl round and kill the other." "Did he have a
+double-barrelled gun?" enquired Smith. "Of course he did." "Well,"
+replied Smith, "I saw a man do the same thing with a _single-barrel_."
+Brown didn't believe the thing possible, and said so.
+
+
+CHARGED AND DISCHARGED.--645.
+
+A fellow charged with stealing a hoe was discharged upon trial, it
+being proved that the article taken was an axe. The affair turned out
+a regular _ho-ax_.
+
+
+COLONEL CROCKETT.--646.
+
+Said he, "And who are you?" "I'm that same David Crockett, fresh from
+the backwoods, half horse, half alligator, a little touched with the
+snapping turtle; can wade the Mississipi, leap the Ohio, ride upon a
+streak of lightning, and slip without a scratch down a honey locust;
+can whip my weight in wild cats--and if any gentleman pleases, for a
+ten dollar bill, he may throw in a panther--hug a bear too close for
+comfort, and eat any man opposed to General Jackson."
+
+
+AGRICULTURAL RETURNS.--647.
+
+A farmer in the West once planted his onions close to his poppies, and
+the consequence was they grew so sleepy that he never could get them
+out of their beds.
+
+
+FRANKLIN AND HANCOCK.--648.
+
+"We must be unanimous," observed Hancock, on the occasion of signing
+the declaration of American Independence; "there must be no pulling
+different ways." "Yes," observed Franklin, "We must all hang together,
+or most assuredly we shall all hang separately."
+
+
+HENRY CLAY.--649.
+
+The following description of Henry Clay appeared in the _Knickerbocker
+Magazine_; it is needless to say it is by a Western man:--"He is a
+man, and no mistake! Nature made him with her _sleeves rolled up_."
+
+
+NATURAL MISTAKE.--650.
+
+A gentleman at the Astor House table, New York, asked the person
+sitting next to him if he would please to pass the mustard. "Sir,"
+said the man, "do you mistake me for a waiter?" "Oh no, Sir," was the
+reply, "I mistook you for a gentleman."
+
+
+_LITERATURE._--651.
+
+An American writer says, "Poetry is the flour of literature; prose is
+the corn, potatoes, and meat; satire is the aqua-fortis; wit is the
+spice and pepper; love letters are the honey and sugar; and letters
+containing remittances are the apple-dumplings."
+
+
+THOMAS JEFFERSON.--652.
+
+Thomas Jefferson, when Minister to France, being presented at Court,
+some eminent functionary remarked, "You replace Dr. Franklin, Sir." "I
+_succeed_ Dr. Franklin," was Mr. Jefferson's prompt reply, "no man can
+_replace_ him."
+
+
+BORROWING THE BABY.--653.
+
+All owners of interesting children will be amused by the following,
+from the _Boston Daily American_:--A gentleman and lady of that
+city were blessed with a beautiful child about a year old, which
+attracted so much attention from their neighbours, that the young
+ladies opposite frequently sent over to "borrow the baby." After being
+obliged to send for the child several times, Mr. ----, on coming home
+to dinner one day, got out of temper on finding it gone as usual.
+"There, Jane," said he, "go over to the Misses ---- and get the baby;
+give them my compliments, and tell them I wish they had a baby of
+their own, and were not obliged to borrow."
+
+
+FORCIBLE EVICTION.--654.
+
+Meeting an American friend travelling in the United States, I enquired
+whither he was going? "Why," said he, "I guess I'm going to take
+possession of an estate of mine, and I calculate I will have to shoot
+down my predecessors."
+
+
+BOXES AND PIT.--655.
+
+Wemyss, a famous theatrical manager in Philadelphia, quitted the
+business, and opened instead a large store for the sale of patent
+medicines. A friend dryly remarked that he would no doubt be
+successful in filling both _boxes_ and _pit_.
+
+
+A SWIFT HORSE.--656.
+
+The _Maine Farmer_ tells a number of tough stories about a man whom
+it calls "Neverbeat." Here is one:--A gentleman was boasting in the
+presence of Neverbeat about the speed of his horse, which, he said,
+would trot a mile inside of three minutes, and follow it for three
+miles. "A mile inside of three minutes aint much to brag about,"
+said Neverbeat. "Why, the other day I was up to S----, sixteen miles
+distant; just as I started for home, a shower came sweeping on. The
+rain struck in the back part of the waggon; and the moment it struck,
+I hit old Kate a cut with the whip, away she trotted, scarcely
+touching her fore feet to the ground. She kept just nip and nip with
+the shower. _The waggon was filled with water, but not a drop fell on
+me._"
+
+
+PASSING THE COW TO THE CALF.--657.
+
+An American dandy who wanted the milk passed to him at an hotel, thus
+asked for it: "Landlady, please to pass your cow down this way." The
+landlady thus retorted: "Waiter, take this _cow_ down to where the
+_calf_ is bleating."
+
+
+NATURE AND ART.--658.
+
+An American, fresh from the magnificent woods and rough clearings,
+was one day visiting the owner of a beautiful seat in Brooklyn;
+and, walking with him through a little grove, out of which all the
+underbrush had been cleared, paths had been nicely cut and gravelled,
+and the rocks covered with woodbine, suddenly stopped, and, admiring
+the beauty of the scene, lifted up his hands and exclaimed: "This I
+like! This is Nature--_with her hair combed_."
+
+
+NEARING IT BY DEGREES.--659.
+
+"Mrs. Green," said a tolerably dressed female, entering a grocery
+store, in which were several customers, "have you any fresh-corned
+pork?" "Yes, ma'am." "How much is this sugar a pound?" "One shilling,
+ma'am." "Let me have," she continued, lowering her voice, "half a pint
+of gin, and charge it as sugar on the book."
+
+
+AN APT PUPIL.--660.
+
+A farmer once hired a Vermonter to assist him in drawing logs. The
+Yankee, when there was a log to lift, generally contrived to secure
+the smallest end, for which the farmer chastised him, and told him
+always to take the butt end. Dinner came and with it a sugar-loaf
+Indian pudding. Jonathan sliced off a generous portion of the largest
+part, giving the farmer the wink, and exclaimed: "_Always take the
+butt end._"
+
+
+POETS.--661.
+
+I never seen a poet that warn't as poor as Job's turkey, or a church
+mouse; nor a she-poet that her shoes didn't go down to heel, and her
+stockings looked as if they wanted darnin'; for its all cry and little
+wool with poets.--_Sam Slick._
+
+
+GIN AND WATER.--662.
+
+"Mister, your sign has fallen down!" cried a temperance man to a
+grog-shop keeper, before whose door a drunken man was prostrate.
+We don't know, says a paper, whether this temperance man was the
+same into whose store a customer reeled, exclaiming, "Mr. ----, do
+you--keep--a-ny--thing--good to take here?" "Yes, we have excellent
+cold water; the best thing in the world to take." "Well, I know
+it," was the reply, "there is no one--thing--that's done so much
+for--navigation--as that."
+
+
+THE "STEAL PEN."--663.
+
+A Western editor complains that all the good things in his paper are
+cut and inserted in other papers, without acknowledgment of the source
+whence they are obtained. He says, "they do not render unto scissors
+the things that are scissors'."
+
+
+A PILE OF JOKES.--664.
+
+Speaking of wags--what is more waggish than a dog's tail when he is
+pleased? Speaking of tails--we always like those that end well: Hogg's
+for instance. Speaking of hogs--we saw one of those animals the other
+day lying in the gutter, and in the one opposite a well-dressed man;
+the first one had a ring in his nose, and the latter a ring on his
+finger. The man was drunk; the hog was sober. "A hog is known by the
+company he keeps," thought we; so thought Mr. Porker, and off he went.
+Speaking of "going off" puts us in mind of a gun we once owned--it
+"went off" one night, and we have not seen it since. Speaking of guns
+reminds us of powder--we saw a lady yesterday with so much of it on
+her face that she was refused admission into an omnibus for fear of an
+explosion.
+
+
+OBITUARY NOTICE.--665.
+
+The _Christian Index_ (U. S.) thus prefaces an obituary:--"But a
+week since we recorded the death of one who was an old father in the
+church, a careful reader of the _Index_, and who paid for three papers
+in advance."
+
+
+AN INFANT TEACHER.--666.
+
+Under the title of "An Odd Advertisement," a New York paper publishes
+the following:--"A young lady, perfectly competent, wishes to form
+a class of young mothers and nurses, to instruct them in the art of
+talking to infants in such a manner as will interest and please them."
+
+
+QUADRUPLICATED PUN.--667.
+
+A comedian at Boston, by way of puff for his approaching benefit,
+published the following lines:--
+
+     "Dear Public, you and I of late
+       Have dealt so much in fun;
+     I'll crack you now a monstrous great
+       Quadruplicated pun!
+
+     "Like a _grate full_ of coals I'll glow,
+       A _great full_ house to see;
+     And if I am not _grateful_, too,
+       A _great fool_ I must be!"
+
+
+BUCOLIC STUPIDITY.--668.
+
+We saw a venerable looking cow yesterday, says the _Cincinnati
+Herald_, eating pine sawdust, under the impression that it was bran.
+She didn't find out her mistake until night, when it was found that
+she gave turpentine instead of milk.
+
+
+LIFE IN KENTUCKY.--669.
+
+The following story of "Life in Kentucky" being in print ought, of
+course to be believed:--"Early one morning the shouts and cries of a
+female were heard. All ran to the spot. When they arrived they saw a
+man and a bear engaged in combat. They had it hip and thigh, up and
+down, over and under, the man's wife standing by and hallooing 'fair
+play.' The company ran up and insisted on parting them. 'No, no,' said
+the woman, 'let them fight it out; for it's the first fight I ever saw
+that I didn't care which whipped!'"
+
+
+AMERICAN PROVERBS AND SIMILES.--670.
+
+      AMBITION is as hollow as the soul of an echo.
+
+      TIDE, steamboats, and soda-water will wait for no
+      one.
+
+      BIG feet, like a leather shirt, are more for use
+      than ornament.
+
+      MONEY slips from the fingers like a water-melon
+      seed, travels without legs, and flies without wings.
+
+      IT is the lot of humanity to err at times, as
+      the drunken man said when he mistook the pig-pen for his
+      bedroom.
+
+      A GOOD deed will stick out, with an inclination to
+      spread, like the tail of a peacock.
+
+      YOU might as well undertake to whistle a
+      grape-vine from a white oak, as to induce a girl to
+      relinquish her lover.
+
+
+SIMILES.--671.
+
+AS big as all out of doors.
+AS dry as the clerk of a lime-kiln.
+AS long as a thanksgiving sermon.
+AS crooked as a Virginian fence.
+AS straight as a loon's leg.
+AS straight as a shingle.
+AS sharp as the little end of nothing.
+AS slick as greased lightning.
+AS swelling as a basket of chips.
+AS happy as a clam at high water.
+AS tight as the bark of a tree.
+AS crazy as a bed-bug.
+AS mad as all wrath.
+AS wrathy as a militia officer on a training-day.
+AS proud as a tame turkey.
+AS melancholy as a Quaker meeting-house by moonlight.
+AS useless as whistling psalms to a dead horse.
+LIKE all nature.
+LIKE all fury.
+LIKE all possessed.
+THRASHING round, like a short-tailed bull in fly-time.
+HEAD and tail up, like chicken cocks in laying-time.
+
+
+
+
+INDEX.
+
+
+                       PAGE
+
+Absence of Mind, 50, 52, 85
+
+Abstraction, 187
+
+Adopting the Other Course, 158
+
+Advantage of Burning Two Candles, 2
+
+Advice to Doctors, 179
+
+Advice to Parents, 49
+
+After Joining Church, 43
+
+Agreeable Customer, An, 19
+
+Agreeing with all the Girls, 134
+
+Agricultural Returns, 202
+
+Aids to Memory, 184
+
+All-Healing, 200
+
+All Human, 87
+
+All Well, 41
+
+Amende Honourable, 177
+
+American Competition, 152
+
+American Curiosity, 176
+
+American Definitions, 152
+
+American Estimate of their Clergy, 9
+
+American Help, An, 174
+
+American Notion of Villany, 94
+
+American Platform, 86
+
+American Proverbs, 207
+
+American Similes, 207
+
+American Soil, 149
+
+"And That's a Fact", 104
+
+Angler Caught, The, 201
+
+Another Burst of Eloquence, 109
+
+Another Discovery, 96
+
+Answered at Once, 189
+
+Answering an Advertisement, 168
+
+Antediluvian Diet, 61
+
+Any Better than None, 154
+
+Any Relations, 140
+
+Appropriate Gift, An, 115
+
+Apt Pupil, An, 205
+
+Artistic Execution, 146
+
+Awkward Coincidence, 95
+
+
+Baby Story, A, 16
+
+Bachelorism a Luxury, 22
+
+Backwoods Conversation, 173
+
+Big Puff, A, 67
+
+Billings, Josh., Insures his Life, 83
+
+Billings, Josh., Sayings of, 99, 196
+
+Billings, Josh., on Horses, 175
+
+Billy Bray, 28
+
+Black Bull, A, 160
+
+Blind Phrenologist of St, Louis, 135
+
+Bonnets, 194
+
+Borrowing the Baby, 203
+
+Boxes and Pit, 204
+
+"Braggin' saves Advertisin'", 113
+
+Breakfast in Bed, 129
+
+Brigham Young's Wives, 91
+
+Bright and Blue, 186
+
+Brother of Four Million Children, 63
+
+Bucolic Stupidity, 207
+
+"Bus" in the Cars, A, 132
+
+Business and Affliction, 5
+
+
+Candid Parson, A, 12
+
+Canine Resemblance, 69
+
+Captain's Pudding, The, 123
+
+Catching, 184
+
+Caught Unawares, 32
+
+Cause and Effect, 182
+
+Cautious Witness, A, 72
+
+Changes, 141
+
+Charged and Discharged, 202
+
+Chasing a Locomotive, 135
+
+Cheap Treat, A, 83
+
+Chickens in Tennessee, The, 21
+
+Citizen of all the States, A, 30
+
+Claiming Exemption, 122
+
+Clay, Henry, 203
+
+Clergyman and the Lawyer, 110
+
+Climacteric Sublimity, 107
+
+Close Witness, A, 88
+
+Cold Picture, A, 37
+
+Colonel answered, The, 12
+
+Colt's Arms _v._ Colt's Legs, 126
+
+Columbus and the Egg, 117
+
+Columbus's Discovery, 106
+
+Complimentary, 168
+
+Conclusive, 114
+
+Condensed Novel, A, 25
+
+Conditional Forgiveness, 87
+
+Confession of a Clergyman, 95
+
+Confidence Necessary, 189
+
+Cool Customer, A, 22
+
+Coolness, 106
+
+Cords of Hymen, The, 82
+
+Corking up Daylight, 16
+
+Critical, 162
+
+Criminal didn't see it, 72
+
+Crockett, Colonel, and the 'Coon, 199
+
+Crockett, Colonel, 202
+
+Crooked Stick, The, 115
+
+Cross Purposes, 20
+
+Couldn't help it, in fact, 43
+
+Couldn't make an Impression, 108
+
+Couple of Reasons too many, A, 3
+
+Cuff's Cabin, 157
+
+Cure for Fainting, 82
+
+Curing Two Afflictions, 164
+
+Curiosities of American Speech, 55
+
+Curious Event, 57
+
+Cute Expedient, 185
+
+Cutting, 168
+
+
+Damaging the Engine, 128
+
+Darkie's Wish, The, 168
+
+Date Wanted, The, 105
+
+"Dat's de Mystery", 126
+
+Debt of Nature, The, 160
+
+"De Dissolution of Coparsnips", 17
+
+Delicate Cut, A, 128
+
+Democrats _v._ Republicans, 102
+
+Demosthenes not Dead, 33
+
+Diamond Cut Diamond, 54
+
+Didn't care, then, if he did, 140
+
+Dinner, but no Breakfast, 159
+
+Disconsolate, 147
+
+Disinterested Lieutenant, A, 122
+
+Distant Friend, A, 167
+
+Domestic Economy, 50
+
+Double Difficulty, A, 143
+
+Doubtful, 144
+
+Dow, Junior, 84
+
+Do you Smoke?, 78
+
+Drawing the Long Bow, 7
+
+Dying Soldier and his Mother, 68
+
+Dry Joke in a Dry Goods' Store, A, 26
+
+Dull Members, 171
+
+
+Early Rising in Connecticut, 1
+
+Eclipsing Himself, 151
+
+Editorial Fix, 110
+
+Editorial Horse, An, 102
+
+Editorial Tribulations, 54
+
+Editors Exchanging Compliments, 92
+
+Editors' Wives, 142
+
+Effective Remonstrance, 147
+
+Effect of Eloquence, The, 80
+
+Egg "Brof", 3
+
+Either Way will do, 96
+
+Elbow-Room Scarce, 3
+
+Emerson and Parker, 101
+
+English Grammar, 40
+
+Enthusiastic Newsvendor, 119
+
+Epigram on Lincoln, 149
+
+Everett and Judge Story, 163
+
+Excessive Politeness, 53
+
+Excuse for Drinking, 142
+
+Exempt decidedly, 97
+
+Extraordinary Absence of Mind, 102
+
+Extraordinary Crow, 49
+
+Extraordinary Motto, 52
+
+Eye to Business, An, 130
+
+
+Failed for a Good Reason, 19
+
+Fair Retort, A, 161
+
+Falling in Love, 171
+
+Familiar Acquaintance, 151
+
+Fancy her Feelings, 85
+
+Feeling her Way, 18
+
+Female Admirable Crichton, 102
+
+Fine Stream, A, 196
+
+Fine Writing, 107
+
+"Fire at the Crisis", 173
+
+Firm Foundation, 187
+
+First Marriage, The, 42
+
+Five Outs and One In, 151
+
+Floating Population, A, 102
+
+Fond of Society, 197
+
+Forcible Eviction, 204
+
+Forensic Eloquence, 18
+
+Forest-Born Orator, A, 70
+
+Forlorn Hope, 146
+
+4-tunate Young Man, A, 2
+
+Four Points of a Case, 2
+
+Franklin, Dr., 161
+
+Franklin and Hancock, 203
+
+Friendly Notice, 185
+
+
+Gallant Correction, 187
+
+Gem, A, 165
+
+General no Pattern, The, 175
+
+German Wines, 175
+
+Getting down a Ladder, 98
+
+Gin and Water, 205
+
+Gone Home, 137
+
+Good Eyesight, 172
+
+Governor and the Justice, The, 119
+
+Graham System, The, 13
+
+Grandpa's Spectacles, 71
+
+Grant, General, 172
+
+Great Scarcity, 123
+
+Great Traveller, A, 136
+
+Grieving for a Wife, 105
+
+Grim Welcome, 22
+
+Guarded Answer, A, 78
+
+
+Habitual Thirst, 170
+
+Habits of a Great Man, 28
+
+Half Guilty, 177
+
+Hairs, not Bristles, 60
+
+Happiest of Vowels, The, 117
+
+Hard Feathers, 163
+
+Hard Hearing, 187
+
+Hard Lying, 4
+
+Hard Scrabble, 90
+
+Hard up 73, 144
+
+Having the Coffin Handy, 41
+
+He had him that time, 17
+
+Heady, 172
+
+Heavenly Bodies, The, 117
+
+Heavy Top-Dressing, 60
+
+Height of Meanness, The, 105
+
+Hen Persuaders, 70
+
+Her Marriage Gift, 196
+
+Her Poor Jerry, 130
+
+Highly Probable, 103
+
+His First Step, 64
+
+His Reasons for Leaving, 133
+
+His Wife's Cousin, 66
+
+Holding the Stakes, 74
+
+Homely Flag of Truce, 16
+
+Horrified Dandy, A, 27
+
+Hot Pies, 57
+
+Hotel Accommodation in the South, 81
+
+Hotel Rules at the "Diggins", 79
+
+Household Words, 132
+
+How a "Copperhead" was Shaved, 10
+
+How Ale strengthened him, 67
+
+How Mr. Lincoln shakes Hands, 89
+
+How Sam was Caught, 84
+
+How to do Business, 97
+
+How to get a Seat, 95
+
+How to go Mad, 101
+
+Huggin', 192
+
+Human Nature, 138
+
+Hunting up a Soft Place, 39
+
+
+I would if I could, 90
+
+Illegible Manuscripts, 88
+
+"I'm the Baggage", 20
+
+In Black and White, 77
+
+In Love with the Devil, 89
+
+Incident and Epigram, An, 137
+
+Inducement to Young People, 102
+
+Inducement Unnecessary, 148
+
+Infant Teacher, An, 206
+
+Infantile Idea of Distance, 126
+
+Inflammable and Dangerous, 51
+
+Ingenious Boot-Black, 35
+
+Inquiring Mind, An, 23
+
+Insinuating Rejoinder, 156
+
+Interesting Announcement, 142
+
+Interesting Experiment, 99
+
+Interesting to the Parties concerned, 14
+
+Interrupting the Sermon, 84
+
+Irish Bull at Bull's Run, An, 131
+
+Irish Exhortation, 89
+
+Irish Negro, 99
+
+It follows, 175
+
+
+Jefferson, Thomas, 203
+
+Jemmy O'Neil and President Jackson, 61
+
+Jew D'Esprit, A, 157
+
+Job's Patience--as viewed by a Lady, 38
+
+John and the Widdah, 150
+
+Joke by Jenkins, A, 104
+
+Joke by the President, 143
+
+Jonathan's Guess, 178
+
+Jonathan of All Trades, 167
+
+Judge and his Coachman, The, 75
+
+Judgment of Solomon, The, 6
+
+Just got Married, 137
+
+
+Keen and Significant, 85
+
+Keeping a Secret, 139
+
+Kind and Sympathetic, 138
+
+Kissing by Proxy, 146
+
+Kissing in Wisconsin, 13
+
+Knocking at the Church Door, 24
+
+Knowing and Not Knowing, 197
+
+Knowing Contraband, A, 172
+
+Knowing Juryman, A, 15
+
+
+Laconic, 184
+
+Lagging Compliment, A, 121
+
+Lapse of Ages, The, 111
+
+Last Compliment, The, 161
+
+Latest Dog Story, 147
+
+Latest Way, The, 136
+
+Law of Compensation, The, 108
+
+Learned Members of the American Legislature, The, 11
+
+Lee, Gen., and a Son of Erin, 125
+
+Lee, Gen., to General Meade, 158
+
+Legal Advice under Singular Circumstances, 79
+
+Legal Toast, A, 86
+
+Legislation, 194
+
+Letter R, The, 130
+
+Letter S, The, 144
+
+Libellous Assertion, 98
+
+Life in Kentucky, 207
+
+Lincoln on Nigger Mathematics, 37
+
+Literature, 203
+
+Littles, 58
+
+Loafer's Hat, The, 160
+
+Lobster Salad, 43
+
+Logs Wanted, 50
+
+Logic of Congress, 126
+
+Lone Nigger, A, 97
+
+Long and Short of it, 106
+
+Longfellow and Longworth, 141
+
+Long Livers, 188
+
+Look on this Picture and on this, 50
+
+Looking for a Situation, 77
+
+Love-Letter Ink, 163
+
+Lovers' Leap, The, 168
+
+Low-necked Frocks, 100
+
+Luminous Evidence, 68
+
+Lying at the Top, The, 113
+
+
+"Mails" and Females, 107
+
+Major Downing in London, 154
+
+Making a Man's Coffin before his Death, 7
+
+Marriage Notices, 16
+
+Marriage and Single Blessedness, 69
+
+Meade, Gen., to Gen. Lee, 158
+
+Meat Baby, A, 110
+
+Mighty Thick Fog, A, 57
+
+Mild Assertion, A, 185
+
+Military Tactics, 145
+
+Military Veracity of the North, 3
+
+Millennium at Hand, The, 195
+
+Milwaukee Eloquence, 60
+
+Minister's Reception, The, 108
+
+Mixing the Babies, 30
+
+Model Advertisements, 111
+
+Modern Definitions, 187
+
+Modest Linendraper, A, 137
+
+Modesty, 199
+
+Monster Punch-Bowl, 188
+
+Mooted Question, A, 97
+
+More Copy, 189
+
+More Laughable than Logical, 107
+
+Most too Sudden, 140
+
+Much Virtue in an "If", 167
+
+My Pew, Sir!, 6
+
+
+Naming Children in America, 106
+
+Nature and Art, 155, 205
+
+Natur's Balances, 149
+
+Natural Mistake, 203
+
+"Naygers," The, 183
+
+Nearing it by Degrees, 205
+
+Negro Sermon, 71
+
+Nerve of Feeling, 200
+
+Nest Egg, The, 44
+
+New, if not True, 164
+
+New Dish, A, 160
+
+Newspaper Borrowers, To, 34
+
+New Way to affix a Stamp, 115
+
+Niagara Falls from Four Points of View, 126
+
+Nice Girl, A, 48
+
+Nigger Explanation, 157
+
+No Doubt, 38
+
+No Justice in that Court, 140
+
+No Patients Living, 72
+
+No Place like Home, 128
+
+No Vices, 173
+
+Nonsense about Love, 144
+
+Not Exactly, 201
+
+Not for Want, 121
+
+Not Particular, 112
+
+Not so, 47
+
+Not to be Done, 32
+
+Not to be wondered at, 76
+
+Not Willing to Die, 130
+
+Note by the Editor, 147
+
+Novel Commentary by a Parson, 42
+
+Novel Effect of a Second Marriage, 103
+
+Novel Hint from the Pulpit, 86
+
+Novel Proposition, 141
+
+Novel Telegraphic Message, 129
+
+Novel Verdict, A, 94
+
+
+Obeying Orders, 201
+
+Obituary Notice, 206
+
+Objecting to Missions, 64
+
+Obstinacy Cured, 200
+
+Ode on Gas, An, 54
+
+Odd Excuse for not being Hung, 19
+
+Odd Names, 79
+
+Of course not, 101
+
+Ohio Democracy, The, 48
+
+"Old Brains", 119
+
+Old Hen and Chickens, The, 21
+
+Old King's Arm, The, 89
+
+Ole Harry and Ole Nick, 46
+
+One of the Press, 109
+
+Only the Eleventh, 1
+
+"Open Thy Cupboard to Me", 148
+
+Openness of Countenance, 74
+
+Origin of "Some Punkin", 62
+
+Original Brother Jonathan, The, 116
+
+Other Impediment, The, 178
+
+Other Side, The, 91
+
+Our Bob, 127
+
+Out-Yankeed, 10
+
+Oysters, 186
+
+
+"Paddle your own Canoe", 34
+
+Painful Necessity, 189
+
+Painting to the Life, 117
+
+Paper Collars, The, 182
+
+Parental Advice, 42
+
+Parting Friends, 97
+
+Passing the Cow, 204
+
+Pay your Postage, 15
+
+Perils of the Fourth Estate, 111
+
+Perpetual Motion, 152
+
+Personal, 95
+
+Pete's Expectations, 77
+
+Pickled Elephant, 183
+
+Picture Dealing, 179
+
+Pile of Jokes, A, 206
+
+Pithy Letter, 13
+
+Plain enough, 109
+
+Plain Spoken, 165
+
+Plump Question, 81
+
+Poetical Editor, A, 72
+
+Poetical Patchwork, 112
+
+Poetry and Prose, 138
+
+Poets, 205
+
+Pointed Retort, 129
+
+Polite Man, A, 106
+
+Politics, 172
+
+Poor Couple, A, 102
+
+Poor Preaching, 169
+
+Popping Corn, 191
+
+Popping the Question, 70, 165
+
+Powerful Sermon, 192
+
+"Preach Small", 4
+
+Precept and Practice, 161
+
+Presented at Court, 162
+
+President Jackson, 61
+
+President Lincoln, Epigram on, 149
+
+President Lincoln on Nigger Mathematics, 37
+
+President Lincoln's First Political Speech, 151
+
+President and the Marshal, The, 156
+
+President's Voice, The, 10
+
+Presidential Puns, 73
+
+Pretence, 148
+
+Pretended Pelham, A, 159
+
+Printers' Mistakes, 108
+
+Printer's Toast, A, 154
+
+Profit and Loss, 182
+
+Profitless Teaching, 120
+
+Prompt Reply, A, 84
+
+Proverbs, 91
+
+Providing for Bills, 125
+
+Putting a Good Face on it, 200
+
+Putting forward his Creed, 47
+
+Pugnacious Ram, The, 27
+
+Puzzled, 181
+
+Puzzled Judge, A, 34
+
+
+Quadruplicated Pun, 207
+
+Quaker's Excuse for Firing, 62
+
+Quaker Woman's Sermon, 128
+
+Qualifications for a Parson, 103
+
+Queer Cup of Coffee, A, 7
+
+Queer Queries, 78
+
+Question for Astronomers, A, 104
+
+Question for Question, 166
+
+Quizzing a Witness, 155
+
+Quoting his Father, 118
+
+
+Rare Printer, A, 51
+
+Rat Story, A, 78
+
+Rather Cute, 86
+
+Real Heavy Gale, A, 114
+
+Reasonable Instinct, 162
+
+Reason for Dear Cream, A, 49
+
+Reasons for not Joining Church, 89
+
+Reasons enough, 100
+
+Rebuke, A, 188
+
+Remarkable Chambermaid, 156
+
+Remarkable Dream, 43
+
+Remarkable Man, A, 52
+
+Remarkable Skipper, 188
+
+Remarkable Tenacity of Life, 8
+
+Remarkably Sociable, 180
+
+Receipt in Full, A, 153
+
+Returned Soldier's Letter, 73
+
+Rivalling Nature, 95
+
+Rough Bedfellow, A, 163
+
+
+Sad Scarcity of Paper, 105
+
+Saddest Sight, The, 38
+
+Salary not so much an Object, 124
+
+Sambo and Cuffee, 54
+
+Sambo's Suspicion, 127
+
+Sam's Soul, 9
+
+Same Drunk, 184
+
+Satisfactory Reason, A, 88
+
+Saved the Leather, 194
+
+Saving the Truth, 156
+
+Sayings Wise and Witty, 195
+
+Scene in an American Court, 24
+
+Schoolmaster Abroad, The, 167
+
+Scientific Agreement, 38
+
+Scipio's Wife, 68
+
+Scripture Names, 22
+
+Securing his Trunk, 26
+
+Self-evident Knowledge, 199
+
+Sensations of a Down-Easter, 141
+
+Sensible Woman, A, 96
+
+Setting the Time, 180
+
+Settling the Wine Bill, 145
+
+Sharp Child, 80
+
+Sharp Shooting, 1
+
+Shedding their Last Blood, 129
+
+"Shell in de Stove," A, 53
+
+Shrewd Nigger, A, 174
+
+Short and Expressive, 83
+
+Simile, A, 150
+
+Similes, 208
+
+Simmons on Life, 185
+
+Simplicity, 15
+
+Slashing Article, A, 94
+
+Slick's, Sam, Description of a Teetotaller, 151
+
+Slick's, Sam, Geology, 172
+
+Slick, Sam, on Happiness, 121
+
+Slick's, Sam, Wise Saws, 143
+
+Slight Difference, 177
+
+Small Loaves, 1
+
+Small Waists and Tight Lacing, 157
+
+Smart Railway _Employé_, 63
+
+Smiles, 146
+
+Snip, 173
+
+Snorers, To, 35
+
+Snoring in Church, 163
+
+Snubbing a Lawyer, 98
+
+So Humane, 113
+
+Soap coming Handy, 25
+
+Soldier's Farewell, A, 76
+
+Solemn Hour, A, 90
+
+Solid Reason, A, 186
+
+Something like a Good Shot, 51
+
+Sonnet instead of a Bonnet, A, 21
+
+Sound Advice, 15
+
+Spare Girl, A, 115
+
+Sparing his Feelings, 101
+
+Speaking his Deep Emotions, 59
+
+Spectacles and Bible Reading, 52
+
+Splendid Firing, 202
+
+Spiritualism Extraordinary, 59
+
+Squashed, 186
+
+Stage-Struck Hoosier, 75
+
+"Steal Pen," The, 206
+
+Steam Defined, 132
+
+Stoning Stephen, 170
+
+Story with a Moral, 18
+
+Strange Peculiarities, 22
+
+Stretch of Imagination, 179
+
+Striking Definition, 103
+
+Striking Effect of a Strike, 28
+
+Striking Lesson, A, 122
+
+Striking Resemblance, 150
+
+Strong Inducement, 131
+
+Stump Orator, A, 12
+
+Styling the Firm, 156
+
+Sublime and Ridiculous, 96
+
+Substituting one Treat for another, 78
+
+Sudden Declaration, 153
+
+Superfluous Testimonial, 73
+
+Sure of it, 179
+
+Suspecting the Shell, 63
+
+Swift Horse, A, 204
+
+
+Take Care of your Baggage, 152
+
+Taking his Patients for a Ride, 75
+
+Taking the Starch out, 80
+
+Tall Relations, 50
+
+Tall Talk, 130
+
+Talking-Match, 146
+
+Tart, 193
+
+Tearful Response, A, 159
+
+Thackeray and the Pirate's Daughter, 157
+
+Thanks to his Hens, 189
+
+That's a Good 'Un!, 14
+
+The House that Jeff. Built, 180
+
+The Late Floyd, 64
+
+The Reason Why, 110
+
+Things I should like to See, 165
+
+Thoughtful Mothers, 116
+
+Tight-fisted, 142
+
+Timely Warning, 169
+
+Tipping them Latin, 186
+
+Tired of his Boarding-House, 86
+
+To make Leeches bite, 184
+
+To make Sausages, 4
+
+To the Point, 52
+
+Too much Ice, 200
+
+Too Slow for Paradise, 13
+
+Tough Yankee, A, 117
+
+Transatlantic Matrimonial Advertisements, 29
+
+Treasure Trove, The, 8
+
+Tremendous Gale, 71
+
+True American Patriotism, 112
+
+True, if not New, 164
+
+True Politeness, 167
+
+Trump Card, A, 169
+
+Truth Wanted, 131
+
+Two Things made to be Lost, 100
+
+Two Things Unexpected, 152
+
+
+Unacceptable Gratitude, 17
+
+Undoubted Courage, 150
+
+Unkind Reminder, An, 107
+
+Unnecessary Apprehension, 96
+
+Used to it, 118
+
+
+Vegetable Head, A, 64
+
+Verdict of a Negro Jury, 114
+
+Very Civil War, 114
+
+Very Likely, 56
+
+Very Odd, that, 67
+
+Virginian Eloquence, 170
+
+Vocation, A, 154
+
+
+War Phrases, 197
+
+Ward's, Artemus, Courtship, 197
+
+Ward, A., on Reorganization, 153
+
+Ward, A., on the Negro, 62
+
+Ward, A., to the Prince of Wales, 124
+
+Ward Beecher's Preaching, 13
+
+Washington Irving, 154
+
+Way of the World, The, 23
+
+Webster, Daniel, 189
+
+Webster's, Daniel, Courtship, 162
+
+Webster, Daniel, and his Bills, 138
+
+Webster, Daniel, and William Wirt, 31
+
+Wedlock First Instituted, 121
+
+Western Neighbours, 98
+
+Western Obituary Notice, 46
+
+We wonder, too, 50
+
+Whale at Peas, A, 158
+
+What a Fine Woman is like, 131
+
+What he always did at Home, 41
+
+What he did the First Year, 11
+
+What Irishmen do!, 105
+
+What U. S. stands for, 118
+
+When the Boat started, 134
+
+When will they meet?, 194
+
+Where the Ducks went, 127
+
+"Where Warren fell", 9
+
+Whiskers and Kisses, 58
+
+Who Fiddled, 193
+
+Whose Fault was it?, 136
+
+Why the War goes on, 118
+
+Wise Fool, A, 119
+
+Wise Judge, A, 101
+
+Wise Saws by Sam Slick, 143
+
+With a Quill, 144
+
+Witty Aide-de-Camp, A, 155
+
+Witty Sentinel, A, 71
+
+Woman-ology, 45
+
+Wonderful, 144
+
+Wonderful, if True, 178
+
+"Wouldn't you like to know?", 44
+
+Writing to the Old Woman, 20
+
+Wrong Woman, The, 142
+
+Wrong Train, The, 37
+
+
+Yankee, The, 166
+
+Yankee's Autobiography, A, 36
+
+Yankee Brass, 76
+
+Yankee Factory Girls, 170
+
+Yankee Inquisitiveness, 176
+
+Yankee Modesty, 188
+
+Yankee Notion of Macbeth, 27
+
+Yankee Portrait of John Bull, 177
+
+Yankee Toasts, 66
+
+Young Jeff.'s Appetite, 6
+
+Young Lady's Sacrifice, A, 138
+
+Young Patriot, The, 32
+
+Your Fare, Miss, 133
+
+Youth Indignant, 188
+
+
+
+
+CLAYTON & CO., Printers, 17, Bouverie Street, E.C.
+
+
+
+
+ADVERTISEMENTS.
+
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+
+_And by Special Contract for_
+
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+
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+
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+ADAMS AND FRANCIS, 59, FLEET STREET, E.C.
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+HISTORICAL CARTE PORTRAITS
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+MOST ILLUSTRIOUS MEN OF ALL AGES.
+
+Sixpence each.
+
+
+DIVINES.
+
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+
+
+MEDICAL.
+
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+
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+NATURALISTS.
+
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+L. Agassiz, U. S.
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+
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+
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+Jeremy Bentham
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+
+
+LITERARY.
+
+Sir Walter Scott
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+Jos. Addison
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+
+
+POETS.
+
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+
+
+METAPHYSICIANS.
+
+Dugald Stewart
+Dr. Thos. Brown
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+
+
+PAINTERS.
+
+Raffaelle
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+Rubens
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+Leonardo da Vinci
+Marc Antonio
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+
+
+NAVAL.
+
+Nelson
+Sir Geo. Cockburn
+Admiral Duncan
+
+
+HISTORICAL.
+
+Mary Qu. of Scots
+Francis II.
+Darnley
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+Do. in armour
+Cromwell
+Sir Walter Raleigh
+Admirab. Crichton
+Kings of Scotland, from 1034 to 1714
+Geo. Buchanan
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+Marq. of Montrose
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+Napoleon the 1st
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+
+
+TRAVELLERS.
+
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+Fremont, U. S.
+
+
+AMERICANS.
+
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+Washington Irving
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+President Lincoln
+Jefferson Davis
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+Gen. Jackson
+Paul Jones
+Fremont
+General Scott
+General Lee
+Gen. Beauregard
+
+
+MUSICIANS, ETC.
+
+Handel
+Haydn
+Mozart
+Von Weber
+Beethoven
+Mrs. Siddons
+
+
+MISCELLANEOUS.
+
+Queen of Beauty
+Father of Sir Walter Scott
+Mother of do.
+Wife of do.
+The Scott Family
+The Foot Bath
+Crucifixion (Vandyke)
+Three Graces (Raffaelle)
+Holy Family (Da Vinci)
+St. John (Raffaelle)
+Thankfulness (Guido)
+Christ Rejected (Titian)
+Infant Saviour (Murillo)
+Whittington & Cat
+The Widow
+Alice Lee (of Woodstock)
+Alice Bridgnorth
+Rubens' 2nd Wife
+Love-Sick Maid
+Juliet
+Nancy Tinnoch
+Beau Brummell
+Neal Gow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The above Portraits are always in hand, and Mr. Patterson is
+daily adding new Cartes to his List._
+
+Copies sent to any part of the United Kingdom.
+
+W. GREENOAK PATTERSON, 4, North College Street, EDINBURGH.
+
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+
+
+SELECTION FROM
+
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+CATALOGUE OF BOOKS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED FAMILY BIBLE:--
+
+Complete in One Volume, handsomely bound in cloth, gilt edges  1  11  6
+Ditto       Two Volumes,     ditto               ditto         1  15  0
+Ditto       One Volume,      ditto        in calf, gilt edges  2  10  0
+Ditto          ditto         ditto        in morocco elegant   3   0  0
+Ditto       Two Volumes,     ditto               ditto         4   0  0
+
+The above can also be had with the Scotch Version of the Psalms,
+in one volume, cloth, for 35s.; in calf, gilt edges, 55s.; and in
+morocco, with gilt edges, for 65s.
+
+      SUPERIOR EDITION OF CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED FAMILY BIBLE.
+      Complete in one volume, handsomely bound in cloth, gilt
+      edges, 50s.; in calf antique, gilt edges, 60s.; elegantly
+      bound in morocco, gilt edges, 70s.
+
+      CASSELL'S FAMILY PRAYER BOOK. Bound in plain cloth, 7s.
+      6d., and in handsome cloth, with gilt edges, 9s.
+
+      CASSELL'S POPULAR NATURAL HISTORY. Profusely Illustrated
+      with splendid Engravings and Tinted Plates. Complete in
+      4 vols., bound in cloth, 34s.; ditto 2 vols., 30s; ditto
+      2 vols., half calf, full gilt back, Two Guineas; ditto 2
+      vols., half morocco, full gilt back and edges, 45s.
+
+      THE QUIVER--First Series--in Six Half-yearly Volumes, bound
+      in cloth, 4s. 6d. each; contains, among many others, Tales
+      by Mrs. WOOD, Author of "East Lynne," and by Mr.
+      C. JEAFFRESON, Author of "Live it Down," &c. &c.
+      &c. Each volume can be had separately.
+
+      CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED BUNYAN.--The Pilgrim's Progress,
+      Illustrated throughout. Plain cloth, 7s. 6d.; full gilt
+      cloth, gilt edges, 10s. 6d; full morocco antique, 21s.
+
+      CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED BUNYAN--The Holy War. Uniform in
+      style with the "Pilgrim's Progress," at 7s. 6d., 10s. 6d.,
+      and 21s.
+
+      CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED ROBINSON CRUSOE, beautifully
+      Illustrated throughout. Plain cloth, 7s. 6d.; full gilt
+      cloth, gilt edges, 10s. 6d.; morocco antique, 21s.
+
+      JEWELS GATHERED FROM PAINTER AND POET. A selection of
+      Poems, Songs, and Ballads, Illustrated in the highest style
+      of Art by F. R. Pickersgill, Cope, Dyce, Horsfall, Duncan,
+      Selous, Tenniel, &c. &c. Superbly printed on fine thick
+      toned paper, bound in cloth, with gilt edges, 7s. 6d.
+
+      BEAUTIES OF POETRY AND GEMS OF ART, Illustrated by the same
+      Artists. Cloth gilt, 7s. 6d.
+
+      FAVOURITE POEMS BY GIFTED BARDS, Illustrated by the same
+      Artists. Cloth gilt, 7s. 6d.
+
+      POEMS AND PICTURES, comprising the three preceding Works
+      bound together in one volume. Very handsomely bound in
+      extra gilt cloth, One Guinea.
+
+      GOLDSMITH'S WORKS, ILLUSTRATED.--The Vicar of Wakefield and
+      Poems, beautifully printed on toned paper, and illustrated
+      throughout. In one handsome volume, bound in cloth, 7s.
+      6d.; full gilt cloth, with gilt edges, 10s. 6d; full
+      morocco antique, 21s.
+
+      THE ROYAL GALLERY OF KINGS AND QUEENS. Embellished with
+      Portraits of our English Sovereigns. Beautifully printed on
+      toned paper, and very handsomely bound in cloth, crown 8vo,
+      price 5s.
+
+      GREAT SERMONS OF GREAT PREACHERS, Ancient and Modern, with
+      an Historical Sketch of the Greek and Latin Pulpit. Third
+      edition, 8vo, cloth, 5s.
+
+      CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED HISTORY OF ENGLAND, from the Earliest
+      Period to the Present Time. Volumes I. to VIII., bound in
+      cloth, 7s. 6d. each.
+
+      LITTLE FERNS FOR FANNY'S LITTLE FRIENDS, with Illustrations
+      by Birket Foster, printed in Tints. Fifth edition, crown
+      4to, bound in cloth, with gilt edges, 2s. 6d.
+
+      THE CHILDREN OF SCRIPTURE. By the Author of "Chickseed
+      without Chickweed," &c. &c., assisted by the Rev. T.
+      WILSON. Bound in cloth, and Illustrated with eight
+      coloured Plates, price 2s. 6d.
+
+      THE BIBLE STORY BOOK. THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS,
+      complete in one handsome volume, bound in cloth, 7s. 6d.
+
+      CASSELL'S PICTURE BOOK FOR THE NURSERY. 4to, bound in fancy
+      boards, price 5s.
+
+
+CASSELL'S FAMILY PICTURE BOOKS.
+
+Bound in embellished boards, price 3s. 6d., with Plain Illustrations;
+or, with Coloured Plates, 7s. each.
+
+      THE BIBLE PICTURE STORY BOOK. Beautifully Illustrated
+      throughout, and written in a simple style, to interest
+      Children in Bible Narratives and Characters. THE OLD
+      TESTAMENT, 3s. 6d. plain, and 7s. coloured.
+
+      THE BIBLE STORY BOOK. THE NEW TESTAMENT, 3s. 6d.
+      plain, and 7s. coloured.
+
+      THE FAMILY PICTURE HISTORY OF ENGLAND. A Series of
+      full-page Illustrations, with Descriptive Letterpress,
+      representing the Principal Events of English History, from
+      the Earliest Period to the Reign of Her Majesty Queen
+      Victoria. Crown 4to, with plain Illustrations, 3s. 6d.; or
+      with coloured Plates, 7s.
+
+      MARY HOWITT'S ILLUSTRATED LIBRARY FOR THE YOUNG; each
+      containing a variety of Interesting and Instructive Matter
+      for Young People. Profusely Illustrated, in fancy boards,
+      with plain Illustrations, 3s. 6d.; or with coloured Plates,
+      7s. each vol. (Each volume is in itself distinct from the
+      other.)
+
+      FAMOUS EVENTS IN GENERAL HISTORY. Illustrated by a number
+      of beautiful Engravings, and written with the special view
+      to interest and instruct Young People. Crown 4to, with
+      plain Illustrations, 3s. 6d.; or with coloured Plates, 7s.
+
+      REMARKABLE PERSONS AND SCENES OF HISTORY. Illustrated
+      throughout with full-page Illustrations. Crown 4to, bound
+      in fancy boards, 3s. 6d.
+
+
+JUVENILE WORKS BY PETER PARLEY.
+
+Price Two Shillings each, in full Gilt Cloth.
+
+      PERSEVERE AND PROSPER; or, THE SABLE HUNTERS.
+
+      CHEERFUL CHERRY; or, MAKE THE BEST OF IT.
+
+      WIT BOUGHT; or, THE ADVENTURES OF ROBERT MERRY.
+
+      WHAT TO DO, AND HOW TO DO IT.
+
+      DICK BOLDHERO IN SEARCH OF HIS UNCLE.
+
+      INQUISITIVE JACK AND HIS AUNT MARY.
+
+      TRAVELS AND ADVENTURES OF THOMAS TROTTER, AS TOLD BY
+      HIMSELF.
+
+      PARLEY'S TALES ABOUT ASIA AND AFRICA.
+
+      PETER PARLEY'S TALES ABOUT AMERICA AND AUSTRALIA. Edited by
+      Rev. T. WILSON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CASSELL'S PICTURE STORY BOOKS.
+
+Sixpence, Plain; Coloured, One Shilling.
+
+These Books are got up in a superior manner, and are designed to form
+one of the most pleasurable and instructive series of Children's Books
+extant.
+
+The following have already appeared, and additions are constantly
+being made:--
+
+      1. All about Houses.
+
+      2. A Trip up the Mountain.
+
+      3. Serpents; and how they are Charmed.
+
+      4. Water Birds.
+
+      5. Monkeys and their Frolics.
+
+      6. Wild Beasts of the Forest.
+
+      7. Our Pretty Butterflies.
+
+      8. Shells and Corals.
+
+      9. China and the Chinese.
+
+      10. Household Pets.
+
+      11. Bruin the Bear.
+
+      12. Our Friend the Dog.
+
+      13. A Peep at the Insects.
+
+      14. A B C of Birds.
+
+      15. A B C of Beasts.
+
+      16. The London Alphabet.
+
+
+BIBLE STORIES.
+
+      17. The Creation, the Fall, and the Flood.
+
+      18. Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
+
+      19. The Story of Joseph.
+
+      20. Moses and the Israelites.
+
+      21. Joshua and the Judges.
+
+      22. The Three Kings--Saul, David, and Solomon.
+
+      23. The Story of the Life of Jesus.
+
+      24. The Book of Miracles.
+
+      25. The Story of the Death of Jesus.
+
+      26. The Book of Parables.
+
+      27. The Story of Simon Peter.
+
+      28. The Story of the Apostle Paul.
+
+
+HISTORICAL STORIES.
+
+      29. The Early Britons and their Saxon Kings.
+
+      30. King Canute, William the Conqueror, &c.
+
+      31. Richard the Lion-hearted and his Successors.
+
+      32. Henry V. and his Battles against the French.
+
+      33. Henry VIII. and his Daughters Mary and Elizabeth.
+
+      34. Sovereigns of England from James I. to Victoria.
+
+      35. King Pepin's Fight with Wild Beasts, &c.
+
+      33. Famous People of the Middle Ages.
+
+      37. Famous Discoverers.
+
+      38. Good Queen Bess and her Times.
+
+      39. Napoleon Buonaparte.
+
+      40. Celebrated Warriors.
+
+
+CASSELL'S FAIRY STORY BOOKS.
+
+Coloured, 6d. each; on Linen, 1s.
+
+
+EDUCATIONAL AND OTHER WORKS.
+
+      A SERIES OF FIRST BOOKS OR CATECHISMS. By the Rev. Dr.
+      BREWER, Author of "Guide to Science," &c. &c. &c. In stiff
+      paper wrapper, price 9d. each.
+
+      MY FIRST BOOK OF READING AND SPELLING.
+
+      MY FIRST BOOK OF BIBLE HISTORY.
+
+      MY FIRST BOOK OF HISTORY OF ENGLAND.
+
+      MY FIRST BOOK OF GEOGRAPHY.
+
+      MY FIRST BOOK OF SCIENCE.
+
+      MY FIRST BOOK OF COMMON THINGS THAT I SEE AROUND ME.
+
+      THE YOUNG TUTOR. By the Rev. Dr. BREWER.
+      Comprising the Six First Books in one volume, and forming a
+      Course of Elementary Knowledge. 18mo, bound in cloth, price
+      3s. 6d.
+
+      GUIDE TO EVERY-DAY KNOWLEDGE. By the same Author. 18mo,
+      bound in cloth, 2s. 6d.
+
+      CASSELL'S POPULAR EDUCATOR. Complete in six volumes, crown
+      4to, price 4s. 6d. each, in cloth boards; or in three
+      double volumes, price 8s. 6d. each.
+
+A NEW EDITION, printed on better paper, complete in six volumes, price
+5s. each, and in three double volumes, 9s. each.
+
+_Cloth Cases for Binding, 1s. 6d. each._
+
+      THE BIBLICAL EDUCATOR, complete in one thick volume, crown
+      4to, price 10s. 6d.
+
+      THE YOUTH'S POPULAR EDUCATOR, complete in one volume, crown
+      4to, cloth boards, 8s.; with gilt edges, 9s.
+
+      ENGLISH SPELLING AND READING BOOK, with upwards of 150
+      Engravings on Wood. _New Edition._ 8vo, cloth, 1s.
+
+      LESSONS IN ENGLISH. By J. R. BEARD, D.D. 12mo. In
+      paper covers, 3s.; cloth boards, 3s. 6d.
+
+      THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IN ITS ELEMENTS AND FORMS. By
+      WILLIAM C. FOWLER. 8vo, cloth, 3s. 6d.
+
+      POCKET PRONOUNCING DICTIONARY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. By
+      NOAH WEBSTER, LL.D. 18mo, cloth, 2s. 6d.
+
+      SIXPENNY LESSONS IN FRENCH, with Rules for Pronunciation,
+      on an entirely Novel and Simple Plan. Crown 8vo, paper
+      covers, 6d.
+
+      CASSELL'S LESSONS IN FRENCH. 12mo. Parts I. and II., in
+      paper covers, 2s. each; or in cloth, 2s. 6d. each; complete
+      in one volume, cloth, 4s. 6d.
+
+      KEY TO THE EXERCISES IN CASSELL'S LESSONS IN FRENCH. 12mo,
+      paper covers, 1s.; cloth, 1s. 6d.
+
+      CASSELL'S FRENCH MANUAL. By Professor DE LOLME.
+      Crown 8vo, cloth, 3s.
+
+      THE FRENCH READER. New Edition, by Professor DE
+      LOLME. 12mo, paper covers, 2s.; cloth, 2s. 6d.
+
+      FRENCH-ENGLISH AND ENGLISH-FRENCH DICTIONARY. By Professors
+      DE LOLME and WALLACE, and HENRY
+      BRIDGEMAN. Small 8vo, in I vol., cloth, 7s. 6d.; or
+      strongly bound in leather, 9s.
+
+      CASSELL'S LESSONS IN GERMAN. By W. H. WOODBURY.
+      12mo. Parts I. and II., paper covers, 2s.; cloth, 2s. 6d.
+      each; complete in 1 vol., cloth, 4s. 6d.
+
+      KEY TO THE LESSONS IN GERMAN. Revised Edition. 12mo, paper
+      covers, 1s.; cloth, 1s. 6d.
+
+      THE PRONOUNCING GERMAN READER. Consisting of Extracts in
+      Prose and Verse, with appropriate Vocabularies. 12mo, paper
+      covers, 1s.; cloth, 1s. 6d.
+
+      THE GERMAN READER. By W. H. WOODBURY. 12mo, paper
+      covers, 2s.; cloth, 2s. 6d.
+
+      THE GERMAN-ENGLISH AND ENGLISH-GERMAN PRONOUNCING
+      DICTIONARY. Small 8vo, cloth, 7s. 6d. Strongly bound in
+      leather, 9s.
+
+      LESSONS IN SPANISH. Revised by the Editor of the
+      "POPULAR EDUCATOR." 12mo, cloth, 3s. 6d.
+
+      A CATECHISM OF LATIN GRAMMAR. Fcap. 8vo, cloth boards, 1s.
+
+      FIRST LESSONS IN LATIN. By Professors ANDREWS and
+      STODDARD. 12mo, paper covers, 1s.; cloth, 1s. 6d.
+
+      LESSONS IN LATIN. By the Rev. J. R. BEARD, D.D.
+      12mo, paper covers, 2s. 6d.; cloth, 3s.
+
+      KEY TO THE LESSONS IN LATIN. 12mo, paper covers, 1s.;
+      cloth, 1s. 6d.
+
+      THE LATIN GRAMMAR. For the Use of Schools and Colleges. By
+      Professors ANDREWS and STODDARD. Crown
+      8vo, cloth, 3s. 6d.
+
+      THE LATIN READER. 12mo, cloth, 1s. 6d.
+
+      CASSELL'S LATIN EXERCISES. 12mo, cloth, 2s.
+
+      CASSELL'S LATIN-ENGLISH AND ENGLISH-LATIN DICTIONARY. By
+      J. R. BEARD, D.D., and C. BEARD, B.A.
+      Small 8vo, 7s. 6d., cloth; strongly bound in leather, 9s.
+
+      LESSONS IN ITALIAN. By CHARLES TAUSENAU, M.D. of
+      the University of Pavia, and Professor of the German and
+      Italian Languages. 12mo, in stiff covers, 3s.; cloth, 3s.
+      6d.
+
+      LESSONS IN GREEK. By the Rev. J. R. BEARD, D.D.
+      12mo, in stiff covers, 3s. 6d.; cloth, 4s.
+
+      THE ACTS OF THE APOSTLES IN THE ORIGINAL GREEK. By JOHN
+      J. OWEN, D.D. 12mo, cloth, 2s. 6d.
+
+      ARITHMETIC FOR THE YOUNG: Inculcating the Science of
+      Numbers by Means of Familiar Objects; in a series of Easy
+      Lessons, with Copious Directions for Teachers. 12mo., paper
+      covers, 1s.; bound in cloth, 1s. 6d.
+
+      THE ELEMENTS OF ARITHMETIC. By Professor WALLACE.
+      Crown 8vo, stiff covers, 1s.; cloth, 1s. 6d.
+
+      KEY TO THE ELEMENTS OF ARITHMETIC; containing Answers to
+      all Questions in the above Work. 32mo, paper covers, 4d.
+
+      THE ELEMENTS OF ALGEBRA. Crown 8vo, paper covers, 1s.;
+      cloth, 1s. 6d.
+
+      CASSELL'S EUCLID. Edited by Professor WALLACE, A.
+      M. Crown 8vo, stiff covers, 1s.; cloth, 1s. 6d.
+
+      KEY TO CASSELL'S EUCLID; containing the Enunciations of all
+      the Propositions and Corollaries. 32mo, paper covers, 4d.
+
+      GEOGRAPHY AND ATLAS. By PETER PARLEY. 8vo, cloth,
+      1s. 6d.
+
+      A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THE STEAM ENGINE. By Professor
+      WALLACE. New Edition, Illustrated. 12mo, boards,
+      1s.; cloth, 1s. 6d.
+
+      CASSELL'S BIOGRAPHICAL DICTIONARY. By the Rev. J.
+      R. BEARD, D.D. 12mo, cloth, 3s.; strongly bound in
+      leather, 4s.
+
+      SCIENCE POPULARLY EXPLAINED; containing 4,000 Questions and
+      Answers on General Science. 8vo, cloth, 3s. 6d.
+
+      THE MODEL COPY-BOOKS; ensuring a Good, Fluent, and Rapid
+      Handwriting, in a Course of Eight Progressive Books.
+      Foolscap Quarto Edition, price 3d. each, or 2s. per Set;
+      post Quarto, 6d. each, or 4s. per Set.
+
+      THE GREAT SERMONS OF THE GREAT PREACHERS. Third Edition.
+      8vo, cloth, 5s.
+
+      POPULAR PREACHERS OF OUR TIME: their Eloquence, Ministry,
+      and Works. By J. JOHNSON, Esq., Author of
+      "Interviews of Great Men," "Heroines of our Time," &c. &c.
+      Crown 8vo, cloth, price 5s.
+
+      PEARLS OF SHAKESPEARE. Illustrated with Designs by
+      KENNY MEADOWS. 12mo, handsomely bound in cloth,
+      bevelled, extra gilt, 3s. 6d.
+
+      CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED GUIDE TO LONDON. Demy 8vo, in
+      handsome wrapper, price 1s.; or printed on superior paper,
+      and elegantly bound in cloth gilt, price 2s. 6d.
+
+      AN EDITION IN FRENCH published at the same prices.
+
+      CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED EXHIBITOR; containing about 300
+      Illustrations, with Letterpress Descriptions of all the
+      principal Objects in the International Exhibition of 1862.
+      One volume. In paper wrapper, 2s. 6d.; bound in cloth, 4s.
+      6d.
+
+      SUPERIOR EDITION OF CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED EXHIBITOR, very
+      handsomely bound in gilt cloth, 7s. 6d.
+
+
+CASSELL, PETTER, AND GALPIN'S
+
+WEEKLY AND MONTHLY PUBLICATIONS.
+
+      CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED FAMILY PAPER. Weekly, One Penny;
+      in Monthly Parts, 5d. and 6d. each; and in Half-yearly
+      Volumes, bound in cloth, 4s. 6d. each. (_Volumes I. to XIV.
+      now ready._)
+
+      CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED FAMILY BIBLE, beautifully printed on
+      Toned Paper. Weekly, Three Halfpence; and in Monthly Parts,
+      7d. and 8-1/2d. each.
+
+      CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED BUNYAN.--The Holy War, printed on
+      Toned Paper. Weekly, One Penny; and in Monthly Parts, 5d.
+      and 6d. each.
+
+      CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED BIBLE DICTIONARY. In Monthly Parts,
+      6d. each.
+
+      CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED GOLDSMITH:--The Vicar of Wakefield,
+      printed on Toned Paper. Weekly, One Penny; and in Monthly
+      Parts, 5d. and 6d. each.
+
+      CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED SHAKESPEARE. Edited, with Notes, by
+      CHARLES and MARY COWDEN CLARKE. Printed
+      on Toned Paper. Weekly, One Penny; and in Monthly Parts,
+      5d. and 6d. each.
+
+      CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED ROBINSON CRUSOE, printed on Toned
+      Paper. Weekly, One Penny; and in Monthly Parts, 5d. and 6d.
+      each.
+
+      CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED GULLIVER.--Gulliver's Travels. By
+      Dean SWIFT. Illustrated in the best style, and
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+
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+
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+
+      CASSELL'S FOLIO ATLAS, each Part containing Six Folio
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+
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+      CASSELL'S COMPLETE FOLIO ATLAS, of 260 Coloured Maps.
+      Price, in paper boards, Two Guineas. Bound in half-roan,
+      50s.; in half-morocco, Three Guineas.
+
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+
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+
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+      and Places of especial Interest to the Emigrant. Price, in
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+
+      CASSELL'S GREAT MAP OF LONDON, in Nine Double Sheets, and
+      on a scale of 9 inches to the Mile. In a Wrapper. Price 5s.
+
+      ---- The same, with Two Additional Maps of Old London.
+      Price 6s.
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+      in a Wrapper. Price 2s. 6d.
+
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+A FULL DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUE of MESSRS. CASSELL, PETTER, AND GALPIN'S
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+JAMES MELDRUM, 13, YORK STREET,
+COVENT GARDEN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+      MR. HOWARD, Surgeon Dentist, 52, Fleet Street, has
+      introduced an entirely new description of ARTIFICIAL
+      TEETH, fixed without springs, wires, or ligatures. They
+      so perfectly resemble the natural teeth as not to be
+      distinguished from the originals by the closest observer.
+      They will never change colour or decay, and will be found
+      superior to any teeth ever before used. This method does
+      not require the extraction of roots, or any painful
+      operation, will support and preserve teeth that are loose,
+      and is guaranteed to restore articulation and mastication.
+      Decayed teeth stopped, and rendered sound and useful in
+      mastication.
+
+      52, Fleet Street. At home from 10 till 5.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+      TOOTH-ACHE CURED in less than a minute by HOLMAN'S
+      TOOTH-ACHE SPECIFIC, the only preparation that instantly
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+      HENRY HOLMAN, Chemist, Barnet, HERTS. In
+      bottles, at 7-1/2d. and 1s. 1-1/2d. each, of all Medicine
+      Vendors; or post free from the Proprietor for 18 stamps.
+      Wholesale of BARCLAY and SONS, 95,
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+
+       *       *       *       *       *
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+      Selling by Thousands.
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+      THE INGENIOUS POCKET TIMEPIECE, with Case complete.
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+      Shilling; by post, 13 stamps. WARD and
+      CO., Kinver, near STOURBRIDGE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+      IMPORTANT NOTICE.--£4000 by 5s.--On receipt of a prepaid
+      envelope addressed to the writer, will be forwarded a
+      Prospectus of the manner in which, with Governmental
+      Security, £25,000 can be promptly realized by a deposit
+      of £1; and how £4000 may be obtained by an investment
+      of 5s. No doubt about it. Obtain the particulars, then
+      judge. Apply immediately, to JOHN WARD, Esq.,
+      Kilcrossduff, Shercock, County Cavan, IRELAND.
+
+
+
+
+Consumption, Coughs, Colds, Asthma, Bronchitis, Neuralgia, Rheumatism,
+Spasms, &c.
+
+CAUTION.--IN CHANCERY.
+
+CHLORODYNE.
+
+
+VICE-CHANCELLOR WOOD stated that Dr. J. Collis Browne was
+undoubtedly the Inventor of Chlorodyne. Eminent hospital Physicians
+of London stated that Dr. J. Collis Browne was the discoverer of
+Chlorodyne; that they prescribe it largely, and mean no other than
+Dr. Browne's.--See _Times_, July 13, 1864. The public, therefore,
+are cautioned against using any other than Dr. J. COLLIS BROWNE'S
+CHLORODYNE.
+
+THIS INVALUABLE REMEDY produces quiet, refreshing sleep, relieves
+pain, calms the system, restores the deranged functions, and
+stimulates healthy action of the secretions of the body.
+
+_From_ J. M'GRIGOR CROFT, _M.D., M.R.C. Physicians, London,
+late Staff-Surgeon to H.M.F._
+
+      "After prescribing Dr. J. Collis Browne's Chlorodyne, for
+      the last three years, in severe cases of Neuralgia and Tic
+      Doloreux, I feel that I am in a position to testify to
+      its valuable effects. Really in some cases it acted as a
+      charm, when all other means had failed. Without being asked
+      for this report, I must come forward and state my candid
+      opinion that it is a most valuable medicine."
+
+_From_ JNO. E. GOULSTONE, _M.D., Knighton_.
+
+      "I can confidently state that Chlorodyne is an admirable
+      Sedative and Anti-Spasmodic, having used it in Neuralgia,
+      Hysteria, Asthma, and Consumption, with remarkably
+      favourable results. It relieved a fit of Asthma in four
+      minutes, where the patient had suffered eleven years in a
+      most distressing manner, no previous remedy having had so
+      immediate and beneficial an effect."
+
+No home should be without it. Sold in bottles, 2s. 9d. and 4s. 6d.
+Sent free, on receipt of stamps, by
+
+J. T. DAVENPORT, 33, Gt. Russell St., London, W.C.,
+SOLE MANUFACTURER.
+
+Observe particularly, none genuine without the words "Dr. J. Collis
+Browne's Chlorodyne" on the Government Stamp.
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Notes
+
+
+Minor punctuation typos and Index page numbers were silently
+corrected. The "possible typos" listed below might be the antiquated
+spelling of words in common usage at the time, rather than actual
+typesetting errors. All the dialect and intentionally misspelled words
+were retained as in the original book.
+
+Page 6: Possible typo: "sucking-pig" for "suckling-pig".
+
+Page 10: Changed "were" to "where."
+  (Orig: the field were we had suffered)
+
+Page 39: Changed "sympton" to "symptom."
+  (Orig: a sympton of personal approbation)
+
+Page 45: Changed "magetism" to "magnetism."
+  (Orig: makes woman so adorable as magetism)
+
+Page 48: Possible typo: "Twelve a.m." for "Twelve p.m."
+
+Pages 54, 80, 152, 175, 178: "Pedlar" and "pedler" spelling
+variations were retained.
+
+Page 69: Changed "fondess" to "fondness."
+  (Orig: fondess pent up in each heart)
+
+Page 70: Changed "it" to "in."
+  (Orig: The failings that it woman dwell)
+
+Page 82: Changed "splarkled" to "sparkled."
+  (Orig: Here Billy's eyes splarkled)
+
+Page 88: Changed "dismised" to "dismissed."
+  (Orig: witness was dismised)
+
+Page 101: Changed "thing" to "think."
+  (Orig: quickest way we can thing of to go raving)
+
+Page 102: Changed "granchild's" to "grandchild's."
+  (Orig: rocking her granchild's cradle with one foot)
+
+Page 116: Changed "Revoluntionary" to "Revolutionary."
+  (Orig: Army of Revoluntionary War,)
+
+Page 118: Changed "conset" to "consent."
+  (Orig: Neither would conset to take it,)
+
+Page 128: Changed "poceeded" to "proceeded."
+  (Orig: who proceeded to describe their peculiarities.)
+
+Page 144: Possible typo: "sleepness" for "sleepless."
+  (Orig: Sleepness nights, broken dreams,)
+
+Page 147: Possible typo: "tustle," for "tussle."
+  (Orig: In the course of the tustle)
+
+Page 159: Changed "pamplet" to "pamphlet."
+  (Orig: holding out a pamplet)
+
+Page 160: Changed "homour" to "humour."
+  (Orig: the old gent's good homour)
+
+Pages 172-173: Possible typo: "embryotic" for "embryonic."
+
+Page 174: Changed "themseves" to "themselves."
+  (Orig: housekeeping for themseves)
+
+Page 176: Possible typo: "Mississipi" for "Mississippi."
+
+Page 188: Possible typo: "laddled" for "ladled."
+  (Orig: who laddled out the liquor)
+
+Page 196: Possible two typos: "find" for "fine."
+  (Orig: and find all right, except the find stream of water)
+
+Notes on Joe Miller From _Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia_:
+
+     Joe Miller (Joseph or Josias) (1684-August 15, 1738) was an
+     English actor, who first appeared in the cast of Sir Robert
+     Howard's Committee at Drury Lane in 1709 as Teague. Trinculo
+     in The Tempest, the First Grave-digger in Hamlet and Marplot
+     in Susanna Centlivre's The Busybody, were among his many
+     favourite parts. He is said to have been a friend of Hogarth.
+
+     He frequented the "Black Jack" tavern on Portsmouth Street
+     in London, which was a favourite of the Drury Lane players
+     and those from Lincoln's Inn Fields. Allegedly he was very
+     serious in the bar and this led to an in-joke whereby all
+     his companions ascribed all new jokes to him.
+
+     After Miller's death, John Mottley (1692-1750) brought out
+     a book called Joe Miller's Jests, or the Wit's Vade-Mecum
+     (1739), published under the pseudonym of Elijah Jenkins
+     Esq. at the price of one shilling. This was a collection
+     of contemporary and ancient coarse witticisms, only three
+     of which are told of Miller. This first edition was a thin
+     pamphlet of 247 numbered jokes. This ran to three editions
+     in its first year.
+
+     Owing to the quality of the jokes in Mottley's book, their
+     number increasing with each of the many subsequent editions,
+     any time-worn jest came to be called "a Joe Miller", a
+     Joe-Millerism, or simply a Millerism.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The American Joe Miller, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43996 ***