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diff --git a/43882-0.txt b/43882-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f7171d4 --- /dev/null +++ b/43882-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1470 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43882 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 107. + +NOVEMBER 3, 1894. + + + + +PUNCH TO THE NEW ATTORNEY-GENERAL. + + Law is not Pan; but "BOB"'s a man, + To make us sure indeed. + Themis will play airs bright and gay, + Armed with this "vocal REID"! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +"'Now I'm furnished,'" hummed the Baron. "'Now I'm furnished'--with +several books for my journey, and----" "Tickets, please," broke in the +inspector. "Just when I was comfortable," growled the Baron; "but no +matter. And now for the _Pen and Pencil Sketches_." + +[Illustration: "Little Billee."] + +The father of Mr. STACY MARKS predestined him for the coach-building +business. Providence, interposing, made him a painter, and the gaiety of +nations has been increased by the possession of some storks. In _Pen and +Pencil Sketches_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS) he has given the world some +reminiscences of a career justly crowned by the laurels of the Royal +Academy. The work is in two volumes, and my Baronite says would have +been more than twice as good had it been in one. The first volume is +charming, with its chat about LEIGH'S studio and the men met there; of +CHARLES KEENE and the delightful cruise off Gravesend in the _William +and Mary_; of merry days with the St. John's Wood clique; of nights at +ARTHUR LEWIS'S; and of days with FRED WALKER. When the flood of memory +runs dry, and there still remains a second volume to be produced, Mr. +MARKS grows desperate, and shovels in anything he finds handy in the +pigeon-holes of his desk. Thus the pleased reader finds reprinted +articles that appeared in the _Spectator_ thirty years ago, when Mr. +MARKS was art critic to that respectable journal. Also there is a +description of BAMPTON, which once thrilled the readers of the _Tiverton +Gazette_. This gives to the second volume something of the smell of an +apple store-room. But the first is good enough to atone for the burden +of the second. By a happy coincidence, whilst Mr. DU MAURIER in _Trilby_ +has made all the world in love with _Little Billee_, he appears under +his own name in many of Mr. MARKS' pages, and is always the same +charming, simple-minded, sensitive man of genius. It is pleasant to read +how our Mr. AGNEW--"WILLIAM" the wise call him--gave the young painter +his first substantial lift. WALKER had painted a picture he called +"_Spring_," a young girl gathering primroses in a wood. Yielding to the +advice of his friends, he put on it a price the amount of which abashed +him. Mr. AGNEW saw the picture, recognised its merit, and wrote a cheque +for the full amount asked. When the young artist heard of his good +fortune he burst into tears, and gasping out "I must go and tell my +mother," rushed from the place. Of the original sketches with which the +volumes are enriched are some pen-and-ink drawings by FRED WALKER, which +reveal in a new light the painter of "_The Almshouse_." Amongst many +good stories, Mr. MARKS tells how he was addressed by a clergyman, who, +believing from his name that he was a Jew, invited him to look in at his +church and be converted. "MARCO'S" reply conclusively proved his +possession of a Christian spirit. + +[Illustration: "A Late Physician."] + +Since SAMUEL WARREN wrote his _Diary of a Late Physician_,--to which, as +the Baron supposes, allusion is made in p. 200 of this book, where the +narrator says, "Thus it happens that the ablest chronicler of their +(_i.e._ medical men's) experiences in our literature was a lawyer,"--no +more interesting, and occasionally sensational, stories have appeared +than those written by Mr. CONAN DOYLE, and published by METHUEN & CO. in +a single volume, under the title of _Round the Red Lamp_. One of these, +_A Straggler of '15_, has been recently developed into a one act +dramatic sketch for Mr. IRVING, who, in the part of the ancient veteran +"lagging superfluous," is reported to have achieved a remarkable +success. For pathos, _A Physiologist's Wife_ is as perfect in style as +it is original in design; to those who want to take something strong +before going to bed, the Baron can confidently recommend _The Case of +Lady Sannox_; while for those of the inferior sex whom Providence has +blessed with nerves, the Baron prescribes to be taken, the last thing at +night, with a favourite pipe and a tumbler of the reader's special +"wanity," the story of _Lot No. 249_; "lights full up," as the stage +directions say, the door locked, and the room previously searched, in +order to be quite sure that no practical joker is in hiding behind +screen, curtains, or under table, who might think it humorous to pop out +when you are deep in the story, and "give you fits." + +[Illustration: "Reading _Lot No. 249_."] + +In the _Yellow Book_, No. 3, let me praise Mr. DOWSON'S "Apple Blossoms +in Brittany"; a charming unfinished picture. You must guess what the +fruit may possibly be from the blossom. Also very good is HENRY +HARLAND'S "When I am a King." + + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +AIRS RESUMPTIVE. + +V.--LILITH LIBIFERA. + +(_After Rossetti._) + +[Illustration: + PORTRAIT OF + THE ARTIST + IN BED + -LAM + PUZZLE-- + TO FIND HIM] + + Under a canopy dark-hued as--well, + Consult the Bilious Book, page 51-- + Lies pallid WHISKERSLEY'S presentment, done + By WHISKERSLEY'S own weird unearthly spell. + His is that Lady known as JEZEBEL + Or LILITH, Eden's woman-scorpion, + LIBIFERA, that is, that takes the bun, + BORGIA, VIVIEN, Cussed Damosel. + + Hers are the bulging lips that fairly break + The pumpkin's heart; and hers the eyes that shame + The wanton ape that culls the cocoa-nuts. + Even such the yellow-bellied toads that slake + Nocturnally their amorous-ardent flame + In the wan waste of weary water-butts. + + * * * * * + +AN ECCLESIASTICAL HIBERNIAN-IBERIAN MEDDLE AND MUDDLE.--Lord HALIFAX +writes to the Cardinal Archbishop of TOLEDO to protest against the +appointment of an Anglo-Iberian bishop to Spain made by the Archbishop +of DUBLIN & CO.; and his English Eminence Cardinal VAUGHAN writes to +Spanish Eminence to protest against the protest of Lord HALIFAX. Of +which the sum is that all the parties to the case are evidently, for the +time being, Protestants! + + * * * * * + +ORIGIN OF THE BLUSH-ROSE. + + I asked the Queen of Flowers + Why the blush-rose blushed so red, + Through the sun-rays and the showers, + And so bowed its modest head. + And fair Flora whispered "Hush! + It would hurt the rose to hear!-- + The beginning of that blush + Was not love, or shame, or fear. + All the pretty faëry fancies + That you find in poet's song, + And encounter in romances, + Are entirely false and wrong. + That flush so fair and fleeting + Means not passion, pride or pity; + But hot memories of the meeting + Of a Vigilance Committee!" + + * * * * * + +Mrs. CHANT-I-CLEAR THE MUSIC HALLS.--So the verdict of the L.C.C. was +against the Empire. This, of course, does not prove that the Members of +the Council are amenable to _Chantage_. On this occasion Mrs. CHANT made +them sing to her tune. But the tune will not be popular. + + * * * * * + +A CRUEL POET.--Father Time is the offender when he begins to write lines +on your face. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ADVICE GRATIS." + +_Betsy Trotwood (Mrs. London City) to Mr. Dick (Mr. H-w-s)._ "NOW HERE +YOU SEE SIR CHRISTOPHER WREN'S CHILD, AND THE QUESTION I PUT TO YOU IS, +_WHAT SHALL I DO WITH HIM?_ COME, I WANT SOME VERY SOUND ADVICE." + +THE CONTEMPLATION OF OLD ST. PAUL'S SEEMED TO INSPIRE HIM WITH A SUDDEN +IDEA, AND HE REPLIED BRISKLY, "I SHOULD WASH HIM!" + +"MR. H-W-S," SAID MRS. LONDON CITY, "SETS US ALL RIGHT. WE'LL FILL THE +FIRE-ENGINE WITH SOAP-AND-WATER!"--_"David Copperfield," adapted._] + + * * * * * + +A HOPELESS QUEST. + + My mind a perfect blank I've made, + Upon a disc I've fixed my eyes. + I hoped, by mesmerism's aid, + To probe stupendous mysteries. + Hour after hour in solitude + I thus have spent, but, to be frank, + There was no magic trance ensued, + My mind remained a perfect blank. + + To _séances_ if I repair, + "A hostile influence" they detect. + The spirits, of my presence ware, + Their customary rites neglect. + A few faint raps, and they have flown, + With all their perfumes, notes, and flowers. + The mediums on my entrance frown-- + I am not blest with occult powers! + + * * * * * + +PERFECT.--The _Daily Telegraph_, in a short notice of a present made to +a Mr. OSLER for assisting the police, mentions the unavoidable absence +on this interesting occasion of "Chief Inspector BELTON,"--which is a +good name suggestive of staff attached to "belt on,"--and of "Mr. +Superintendent FERRETT"--than which no better name was ever found, out +of a burlesque novel, for a clever detective. + + * * * * * + +TWO WAYS OF AUDITING. + +I.--THE OLD WAY. + +SCENE.--_A Chamber in a Civic Building. The Town Clerk and the Auditor +discovered at a table covered with papers._ + +_Clerk._ Then I believe that you are entirely satisfied with the +accounts? + +_Auditor._ Oh, perfectly. (_After a pause._) There is one item +I wanted to ask about--I've no doubt you'll be able to explain it +satisfactorily--it's this "£25 for ginger-beer to the Mayor and Council +on the occasion of opening the new Cemetery." Does not--er--that sum +represent a rather large number of bottles? + +_Clerk_ (_in an off-hand way_). Well, we put down ginger-beer, you know, +as it _looks_ better, and there's a rather strong temperance party in +the borough. Of course, it was really champagne--"extra sec," too, you +bet! + +_Auditor._ Oh, of course. I merely mentioned the matter for the sake of +form. And the "£15 for cigars"--that was an expenditure incurred at the +same time, I conclude? + +_Clerk_ (_carelessly_). Oh, yes. Y'see, one of the Councillors is the +leading tobacconist in the place. + +_Auditor_ (_relieved_). Ah, that accounts for it. Then these "models of +the Crematorium in gold and jewels, as brooches for the wives of the +Councillors"--I see they come to £105 in all. + +_Clerk_ (_sternly_). You don't _object_ to the brooches, I presume? + +_Auditor_ (_anxiously_). Oh, not at all. Not in the least. A +most--er--praiseworthy method of spending the ratepayers' money. + +_Clerk._ Quite so. Our Mayor's our leading jeweller, you know. So, as +you've put "Examined and Approved," shall we go in to lunch? For a "cold +collation on the occasion of the audit" our Council always allows £10. +It'll be rather a good feed. + + [_Exeunt into banqueting apartment._ + +II.--THE NEW WAY. + +_Auditor._ Oh, what larks! + + [_Subsides into a chair, and takes two minutes to recover from + his fit of merriment._ + +_Clerk_ (_surprised_). I really fail to see where the joke comes in. + +_Auditor._ Oh, don't you know? I'm one of the new class of comic +auditors--"made in Manchester." What tickles me is this item of £17 for +gold match-boxes for lighting the cigars of the Mayor and Aldermen on +the occasion of the visit to the Sewage Farm. _There's_ persiflage, if +you like! + +_Clerk_ (_smiling_). I'm glad you take so humorous a view of the matter. +Of course you allow that expenditure? + +_Auditor._ Allow it! Not for worlds. Then--(_with difficulty restraining +another outburst of mirth_)--how about "£27 for oysters and Chablis" +after the visit? + +_Clerk._ The Council naturally required some refreshment at the end of +the journey--quite a quarter of a mile, in their own carriages--and +oysters were rather dear just then--a little out of season. + +_Auditor_ (_after a guffaw_). Capital! "Out of season"--out of reason, +too, _I_ should say. Of course I must surcharge the oysters and Chablis. +Really, I'm enjoying myself immensely! + +_Clerk_ (_gloomily_). I hope the Council will feel equal enjoyment at +your report. Do you mean seriously---- + +_Auditor._ Seriously! Not a bit of it. I tell you I'm a comic character. +And what better practical joke can one play than suddenly to come down +on public officials with an audit disallowing all their little personal +luxuries? Afraid I must strike out these items of "Visits to Olympia by +Corporation to inspect the lighting arrangements," and "Ditto at Empire +and Alhambra Theatres." No doubt the Aldermen will be glad to pay for +them themselves. Now I think the business is finished. Lunch? No, +thanks. A screaming joke like this is lunch enough for me. + + [_Crams handkerchief in mouth, and exit._ + + * * * * * + +CANT _v._ CANT. + + If "want of decency is want of sense," + So want of sense may very likely lead + To want of decency. The poor pretence + Of interested vice sense will not heed. + A satyr's satire is but sorry stuff; + Anti-Cant's canting is most sickening fudge. + Belial, who backs his trade with bounce and bluff, + Wins not a case where wisdom is the judge. + Protests against the pryings of the prude + Are not to help the profitably lewd. + + * * * * * + +THE POLITE GUIDE TO THE CIVIL SERVICE. + +(_By an Affable Philosopher and Courteous Friend._) + +HOW TO ENTER THE CIVIL SERVICE. + +In the good old days of yore there was little trouble in obtaining +admission to the Civil Service. All that was necessary was a slight +knowledge of a Cabinet Minister, and a smattering of schooling. The +latter might be obtained at Eton, Winchester, Rugby, Westminster, or +Harrow. The acquaintance of the Minister, of course, had to be made by +your father. You were too young to have attracted the attention of so +important a personage. Suppose you had reached the mature age of +eighteen, and had given up the round jackets and collars of boyhood, and +had assumed "stick-ups" and "cutaways," your father would probably ask +you "What you intended to do next?" + +"No, my dear fellow," would be the paternal reply to a suggestion about +Trinity or Christ Church. "I am afraid I can't manage either. You see, +your two elder brothers went to the University, but then we could find +_them_ family livings. It would be useless to let you read for the Bar, +because we haven't any of us married into a single firm of Solicitors; +and in these hard times I really can't afford to buy you a commission." + +You would notice _sotto voce_ that when ways and means were being +discussed, times were always hard. + +"I suppose you could be a doctor if you pleased; but walking the +hospitals is not a particularly pleasant occupation. Then there is +another opening--why not try the Civil Service?" + +You would rather freshen up at this. You would have read in a comic +paper, that never will be nameless, that Government clerks were like the +fountains in Trafalgar Square (old style), "because they played from ten +to four." + +"Well, yes," you would return. "I don't think I should mind that so +much. It would be rather fun to go to Paris as an _attaché_." + +"I'm afraid I couldn't quite manage that, my dear boy," your fond parent +would respond. "They don't pay _attachés_ at first, and so you would +have to be satisfied with the War Office or the Admiralty instead of the +Foreign Office." + +"All right, Pater," you would say, and leave the matter in the hands of +the elder generation. + +Then your father would write to any Cabinet Minister of his acquaintance +about things in general and nothing in particular, and would add a +"P.S." asking for a nomination. In due course a reply would come +granting the sweet boon. A test examination would follow of a +perfunctory character, and an intimation of your appointment would be +the sequel. Then you would take up your daily residence in Pall Mall or +Whitehall for twenty or thirty years and then retire as a Knight or a +C.B. Thus was done in the comparatively long ago. But now-a-days another +plan has to be adopted. + +Instead of entering the Civil Service as a junior join it as a senior. +As a preliminary you must get into the House. This is simpler than +having to cram and then stand the racket of a competitive examination. +Any one under certain conditions can enter Parliament, but the Civil +Service Commissioners bar the entrance to the Government offices with +equally certain regulations. For the sake of argument let me assume that +you are in the House. You have stood for Slocum-on-the-Marsh, and have +persuaded the Slocum-on-the-Marshers to elect you. As an M.P. you are +duly qualified to accept any appointment under the Crown when the +Government ask you. The best plan is to think of an office and then add +one to it--yourself. + +"Why not the Public Squander Department?" you ask yourself. To which you +reply with a second question, "Why not?" + +Yes, the P. S. D. is not half bad. But how to get into it. Well, why not +take up Milestones? All the world knows that the Public Squander +Department are responsible for all the Milestones not under the +superintendence of the county authorities. Go for the Milestones. + +Begin with a question. Learn that the Milestones in the Old Bath Road +are in many cases illegible. Request the Secretary of the Public +Squander Department to inform you when the inscription of such and such +a Milestone was last restored? The official will fence the query. +Probably his Private Secretary, considering you a new man, will have +failed to furnish the necessary information. You must expect a little +retardation at the first set-off. + +And here let me point out for your future guidance the importance of +having a private secretary thoroughly up to his work. Had your answerer +been possessed of the proper sort of assistant you would have been +discovered, respectfully button-holed, and perforce satisfied. You would +never have had the heart to put your question about the Milestones. But +the particular Private Secretary of your answerer being _not_ up to his +work you get snubbed. + +But don't be discouraged; stick to your Milestones. + +[Illustration] + +Bombard "the Right Hon. Gentleman opposite" with questions. Ask him for +particulars about the Milestones in the Old Kent Road and on Salisbury +Plain. If he requests notice, give him notice. By degrees you will find +that you are becoming an institution. Milestones are your specialty. +When the House is sitting demand particulars. When the House is up, +write to the papers. Move for returns about Milestones. Go down to +Slocum-on-the-Marsh and read papers on Milestones. If possible, be made +a F.S.A. on the strength of your knowledge of Milestones. So identify +yourself with Milestones that when your name is casually mentioned +anywhere, let it be common form for some one to say, "Of course, the +chap who looks after the Milestones." + +Wait patiently until your side move over from the Opposition to the +Government benches. Then will come your opportunity. You will have sat +upon a Milestone Commission. You have been very instrumental in getting +Milestones polished. You have caused Milestones to be multiplied. All +these services must be recognised. And they will. + +You will find yourself offered the Secretaryship of the Public Squander +Department--to take care of the Milestones. Accept it. You will now have +become a Civil Servant. On some future occasion I may suggest how you +may successfully perform your duties in your new position. + +[Illustration: A REALIST IN FICTION. + +"I SAW A RABBIT RUN THROUGH THAT HEDGE!" + +"NO, DEAR. IT WAS IMAGINATION!" + +"ARE 'MAGINATIONS WHITE BEHIND?"] + + * * * * * + +DEFINITION.--A London Square is the Paradise of Perambulators. + + * * * * * + +LYRE AND LANCET. + +(_A Story in Scenes._) + +PART XVIII.--THE LAST STRAW. + +SCENE XXVII. (_continued_).--_The Chinese Drawing Room._ SPURRELL'S +_ingenuous remark upon the coincidence of the title of the volume in his +hand with the name of his bull-dog has produced a painful silence, which +no one has sufficient presence of mind to break for several seconds._ + +_Miss Spelwane_ (_to herself_). Not CLARION BLAIR! Not even a poet! I--I +could _slap_ him! + +_Pilliner_ (_to himself_). Poor dear VIVIEN! But if people will insist +on patting a strange poet, they mustn't be surprised if they get a nasty +bite! + +_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). He _didn't_ write _Andromeda!_ Then he +hasn't got my letter after all! And I've been such a _brute_ to the poor +dear man! _How_ lucky I said nothing about it to GERALD! + +_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself_). So he _ain't_ the bard!... Now I +see why MAISIE's been behavin' so oddly all the evenin'; she spotted +him, and didn't like to speak out. Tried to give me a hint, though. +Well, I shall stay out my leave now! + +_Lady Rhoda_ (_to herself_). I thought all along he seemed too good a +sort for a poet! + +_Archie_ (_to himself_). It's all very well; but how about that skit he +went up to write on us? He _must_ be a poet of sorts. + +_Mrs. Brooke-Chatteris_ (_to herself_). This is fearfully puzzling. What +made him say that about "Lady Grisoline"? + +_The Bishop_ (_to himself_). A crushing blow for the Countess; but not +unsalutary. I am distinctly conscious of feeling more kindly disposed to +that young man. Now why? + + [_He ponders._ + +_Lady Lullington_ (_to herself_). I thought this young man was going to +read us some of his poetry; it's too tiresome of him to stop to tell us +about his bull-dog. As if anybody cared _what_ he called it! + +_Lord Lullington_ (_to himself_). Uncommonly awkward, this! If I could +catch LAURA'S eye--but I suppose it would hardly be decent to go just +yet. + +_Lady Culverin_ (_to herself_). Can ROHESIA have known this? What +possible object could she have had in----And oh, dear, how disgusted +RUPERT will be! + +_Sir Rupert_ (_to himself_). Seems a decent young chap enough! Too bad +of ROHESIA to let him in for this. I don't care a straw what he is--he's +none the worse for not being a poet. + +_Lady Cantire_ (_to herself_). What _is_ he maundering about? It's +utterly inconceivable that _I_ should have made any mistake. It's only +too clear what the cause is--_Claret!_ + +_Spurrell_ (_aloud, good-humouredly_). Too bad of you to try and spoof +me like this before everybody, Miss SPELWANE! I don't know whose idea it +was to play me such a trick, but---- + +_Miss Spelw._ (_indistinctly_). Please understand that nobody here had +the _least_ intention of playing a trick upon you! + +_Spurr._ Well, if you say so, of course----But it looked rather like it, +asking me to read when I've about as much poetry in me as--as a pot hat! +Still, if I'm _wanted_ to read aloud, I shall be happy to oblige---- + +_Lady Culv._ (_hastily_). Indeed, _indeed_, Mr. SPURRELL, we couldn't +think of troubling you under the circumstances! (_In desperation._) +VIVIEN, my dear, won't you _sing_ something? + + [_The company echo the request with unusual eagerness._ + +_Spurr._ (_to himself, during_ Miss SPELWANE'S _song_). Wonder what's +put them off being read to all of a sudden. (_As his eye happens to rest +on the binding of the volume on his knee._) Hullo! This cover's pink, +with silver things, not unlike cutlets, on it! Didn't EMMA ask me----? +By George, if it's _that!_ I may get down to the Housekeeper's Room, +after all! As soon as ever this squalling stops I'll find out; I _can't_ +go on like this! (Miss SPELWANE _leaves the piano; everybody plunges +feverishly into conversation on the first subject--other than poetry or +dogs--that presents itself, until_ Lord _and_ Lady LULLINGTON _set a +welcome example of departure._) Better wait till these county nobs have +cleared, I suppose--there goes the last of 'em--now for it!... (_He +pulls himself together, and approaches his host and hostess._) Hem, Sir +RUPERT, and your ladyship, it's occurred to me that it's just barely +possible you may have got it into your heads that I was something in the +_poetical_ way. + +_Sir Rup._ (_to himself_). Not this poor young chap's fault; must let +him down as easily as possible! (_Aloud._) Not at all--not at all! +Ha--assure you we quite understand; no necessity to say another word +about it. + +_Spurr._ (_to himself_). Just my luck! They quite understand! No +Housekeeper's Room for me this journey! (_Aloud._) Of course I knew the +Countess, there, and Lady MAISIE, were fully aware all along----(_To_ +Lady MAISIE, _as stifled exclamations reach his ear._) You _were_, +weren't you? + +_Lady Maisie_ (_hastily_). Yes, yes, Mr. SPURRELL. Of course! It's all +_perfectly_ right! + +_Spurr._ (_to the others_). You see, I should never have thought of +coming in as a visitor if it hadn't been for the Countess; she would +_have_ it that it was all right, and that I needn't be afraid I +shouldn't be welcome. + +_Lady Culv._ To be sure--any friend of my sister-in-law's---- + +_Lady Cant._ ALBINIA, I have refrained from speech as long as possible; +but this is really _too_ much! You _don't_ suppose I should have +introduced Mr. SPURRELL here unless I had had the strongest reasons for +knowing, however he may be pleased to mystify us now, that he, and +nobody else, is the author of _Andromeda!_ And I, for one, absolutely +decline to believe in this preposterous story of his about a bull-dog. + +_Spurr._ But your ladyship must have known! Why, you as good as asked me +on the way here to put you down for a bull-pup! + +_Lady Cant._ Never, never! A bull-pup is the last creature I should ever +dream of coveting. You were obliging enough to ask me to accept a +presentation copy of your verses. + +_Spurr._ Was I? I don't exactly see how I _could_ have been, considering +I never made a rhyme in my life! + +_Sir Rup._ There, there, ROHESIA, it was _your_ mistake; but as we are +indebted to it for the pleasure of making Mr. SPURRELL's +acquaintance---- + +_Lady Cant._ I am not in the habit of making mistakes, RUPERT. I don't +know what you and ALBINIA and MAISIE may know that I am in ignorance of, +but, since you seem to have been aware from the first that Mr. SPURRELL +was not the poet you had invited here to meet me, will you kindly +explain what has become of the _real_ author? + +_Sir Rup._ My dear ROHESIA, I don't know and I don't _care!_ + +_Lady Cant._ There you are _wrong_, RUPERT, because it's obvious that if +he is not Mr. SPURRELL, his absence has to be accounted for in _some_ +way. + +_Spurr._ By Jove, I believe I can put you on the track. I shouldn't +wonder if he's the party these dress clothes of mine belong to! I +daresay you may have noticed they don't look as if they were made for +me? + +_Lady Cant._ (_closing her eyes_). Pray let us avoid any sartorial +discussions! We are waiting to hear about this person. + +_Spurr._ Well, I found I'd got on his things by mistake, and I went up +as soon as I could after dessert to my room to take 'em off, and there +he was, with a waste-paper basket on his head---- + +_Lady Cant._ A waste-paper basket on his head! And pray what should he +have _that_ for? + +_Spurr._ He said he wouldn't take it off till he saw me. And I never saw +anyone in such a mess with ink and flour as he was! + +_Lady Cant._ Ink and flour, indeed! This rigmarole gets more ridiculous +every moment! You can't seriously expect anyone here to believe it! + + [ARCHIE _discreetly retires to the smoking-room._ + +_Spurr._ Well, I rather think somebody must have fixed up a booby trap +for _me_, you know, and he happened to go in first and get the benefit +of it. And he was riled, very naturally, thinking _I_'d done it, but +after we'd had a little talk together, he calmed down and said I might +keep his clothes, which I thought uncommonly good-natured of him, you +know. By the way, he gave me his card. Here it is, if your ladyship +would like to see it. + + [_He hands it to_ Lady CULVERIN. + +_Lady Culv._ "Mr. UNDERSHELL!" ... ROHESIA, that _is_ CLARION BLAIR! I +_knew_ it was _something_ ending in "ell." (_To_ SPURRELL.) And you say +Mr. UNDERSHELL is here--in this house? + +_Spurr._ Not now. He's gone by this time. + +_The Others_ (_in dismay_). Gone! + +_Spurr._ He said he was leaving at once. If he'd only told me how it +was, I'd have---- + +_Lady Cant._ I don't believe a single word of all this! If Mr. SPURRELL +is not CLARION BLAIR, let him explain how he came to be coming down to +Wyvern this afternoon! + + [_Partial reaction in company._ + +_Spurr._ If your ladyship doesn't really know, you had better ask Sir +RUPERT; _he_'ll tell you it's all right. + +_Lady Cant._ Then perhaps _you_ will be good enough to enlighten us, +RUPERT? + +_Sir Rup._ (_driven into a corner_). Why, 'pon my word, I'm bound to say +that I'm just as much in the dark as anybody else, if it comes to that! + +_Spurr._ (_eagerly_). But you wired me to come, Sir! About a horse of +yours! I've been wondering all the evening when you'd tell me I could go +round and have a look at him. I'm here instead of Mr. SPAVIN--_now_ do +you understand, Sir RUPERT? I'm the Vet. + + [_Suppressed sensation._ + +_Sir Rup._ (_to himself_). This is devilish awkward! Don't quite know +what to do. (_Aloud._) To--to be sure you are! Of course! That's it, +ROHESIA! Mr. SPURRELL came down to see a horse, and we shall be very +glad to have the benefit of his opinion by-and-by. + + [_He claps him amicably on the shoulder._ + +_Lady Cant._ (_in a sepulchral tone_). ALBINIA, I think I will go to +bed. + + [_She withdraws._ + +_Sir Rup._ (_to himself_). There'll be no harm in letting him stay, now +he _is_ here. If ROHESIA objects, she's got nobody but herself to blame +for it! + +_Spurr._ (_to himself_). They won't want to keep me upstairs much longer +after this! (TREDWELL _enters, and seems to have something of importance +to communicate to_ Sir RUPERT _in private._) I wonder what the dooce is +up _now!_ + +[Illustration: "Albinia, I think I will go to bed!"] + + * * * * * + +TO LETTINA. + +(_By a Profound Thinker._) + + I don't know why, but fifty times a day, + To you my thoughts persistently will fly, + You come to me, and, coming, come to stay-- + I don't know why. + + Sometimes I catch myself inclined to try + From heart and mind to banish you away. + I always fail. If you are not too shy, + Just write a line to tell me that I may + Think fondly of you. Then in future I + Shall think of you, and never want to say + I don't know why. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW CANDIDATE. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I trust you will give me the hospitality of your +columns (and thus save me the cost of extensive advertising) to announce +that I intend to offer myself as a candidate for all the eleven +divisions at the forthcoming School Board Election. I do this for +several reasons. In the first place, as I have no more chance in any one +place more than in any other, I feel it quite impossible to make any +choice. Besides, to be elected at the top of eleven polls would be an +unique distinction, second only to being defeated at the bottom of +eleven. In the next place, as I can find no other persons who will come +forward on my platform, I am bound to offer myself everywhere. My views +are extensive, not to say peculiar. On the religious question, I agree +with everything that has been said by everybody. I hope in this way to +avoid incurring _odium theologicum_ of any kind. I am in favour of no +one paying rates unless he has children actually at a Board School. I am +told that this will not secure for me the Labour Vote, but it ought, at +any rate, to rally to my side all the "intelligent and respectable." On +all other points I believe I am well fitted to sit on the London School +Board. I understand that at its meetings oysters and Chablis are +sometimes the order of the day. If I am returned, my main object, I avow +it frankly, will be to make them the standing order. Soliciting the vote +of every patriotic citizen, I am, + + Yours up-to-(being-a-candi-)date, + + _October 27._ + + WOTTOL ARK. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HE'S HAPPY NOW." + +["A CONSTANT READER'S" favourite craze is now being discussed in all the +papers.] + +"I AM SO GLAD THIS SUBJECT IS BEING THOROUGHLY VENTILATED. IT MUST BE +DOING SO MUCH GOOD AMONG THE YOUNG."] + + * * * * * + +MAY_E_NNAISE _v._ MAY_O_NNAISE: A REJOINDER. + + My poor Mayonnaise, they have sullied your fame! + They would alter your spelling, my sweet Mayonnaise. + The younger DUMAS has _e-mended_ your name + And sent you forth "o"-less the rest of your days. + + So this man of romances--this writer of plays-- + Who has woven full many a plot in his time-- + Would force us to spell you henceforth May_e_nnaise. + Nay! _this_ is a plot little short of a crime! + + 'Twill make not an atom of diff'rence to me. + The younger DUMAS may discourse as he will; + He's welcome, with _Weller_, to "spell with a 'wee'"-- + To me and the world you are May_o_nnaise still. + + He says, at the time when the city Mayenne + Was besieged by an army and riddled with shot, + Your charms were acknowledged and praised by the men. + _Was that army not led by Sir Thomas de Rot?_ + + Say, Queen of the Sauces, which vow'l shall it be? + Will you yield up the name your admirers bestow? + Pronounce--while your lover is down on _an "E"_-- + Is it that which you choose? Is it yes? or _a "NO"?_ + + * * * + + This correspondence must now cease.--ED. + + * * * * * + +"WHERE IS HE?"--With diamond robberies and darksome murders, of which +the perpetrators are still at large, we are all crying out for a real +genuine "SHERLOCK HOLMES." We, WATSONS, are waiting for him to step +forward and drag various dark mysteries into the light of day. +Cheerfully shall the coming HOLMES be saluted with Mr. BROOKFIELD'S +_refrain_, "O SHERLOCK, you wonderful man!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES. + +_Hostess._ "I HEARD YOU MET MY COUSIN, MAUD LESLIE, AT THE GIBSONS AT +DINNER, MR. WILKINSON, AND THAT YOU WERE CHARMED WITH HER!" + +_Mr. Wilkinson._ "CHARMED WITH HER? I SHOULD THINK SO! WHO _WOULDN'T_ +BE? WHY, I'VE ABSOLUTELY FORGOTTEN WHO THE LADY WAS I TOOK INTO DINNER, +AND WHO SAT ON MY OTHER SIDE!" + +_Lady Visitor._ "I'M AFRAID IT HAPPENED TO BE _ME_, MR. WILKINSON!"] + + * * * * * + +"AN AWKWARD CUSTOMER." + +AIR--"_The Bold Poacher._" + + When I was bound by Party ties to play the bold Premier, + I shouldered of my gun, my lads, and started void of fear; + With my trusty lurcher at my heels, to whom the sport is dear, + For he's game for fight by day or night at the season of the year! + + As I and my bold comrade were after bird or hare, + The gamekeeper was watching us; for him we did not care. + For we were on our ground, my boys, grounds free to tyke or peer; + And they're my delight by day or night at the season of the year! + + As I and my bold comrade were in the Peers' Preserve, + We heard the keeper's footsteps, but we did not halt or swerve. + But I whistled--to keep up my pluck--a song to sportsmen dear: + "Oh it's my delight on a shiny night, in the season of the year!" + + The Gamekeeper popped through the copse, and faced us with a frown; + He's got a black-a-vised stern phiz, and a coat o' velvet brown. + He says "Hillo, Sir! _Poaching?_" I retorts, "Oh, don't _you_ fear! + A gent may poach his own preserves at the season of the year!" + + He says, "You ought to be ashamed to set so bad example + A sportsman true won't join the crew who trespass, trap, and trample. + A dirty bird fouls its own nest!" he adds, with a sour sneer. + "Swells should not poach by day or night in the season of the year." + + Says I, "You sneer, but I'm your peer, my Sol. The people sent me! + Stare like an owl, or sneer and scowl, you know you can't prevent me! + These here Preserves want breaking up, Monopoly's pitch to queer + Is our delight by day or night, in the season of the year. + + "A-poaching on one's own preserves scarce poaching seems at all. + My foot is on my native--copse! The old Game Laws must fall. + The 'Peers' Preserves' the people will throw open--or else clear, + And you'll have to fight for your old old right at the season of the + year. + + "You ask me if I like the job? That's neither here nor there! + I'm simply bound to do it, and I really don't much care. + If Peers will claim the best o' the game, and strive the rest to + queer, + We'll take _our_ right, by day or night, at the season of the year!" + +[Illustration: "AN AWKWARD CUSTOMER." + +GAMEKEEPER S-L-SB-R-Y. "HALLO! YOUNG FELLOW! POACHING?" + +THE "YOUNG FELLOW" R-S-B-RY. "IF I _AM_ POACHING, I'M ON MY OWN +PRESERVES."] + + * * * * * + +LOCAL COLOUR. + +Mr. ASQUITH was reported the other day to have said that the Government +was spoken of as having been accused of refusing so-called amendments to +the Employers' Liability Bill in "_peacock_ temper." The _Daily News_, +in referring to this, suggests that "peacock temper" was a misprint for +"pique, or temper." But surely this is not so. Mr. ASQUITH evidently has +given in his adhesion to the new system of "colour adjectives." This +opens great possibilities to the future. Radicals will denounce the +"scarlet scandals of the purple-clad peers." Tories will wax eloquent on +"the pink miasma of revolutionary Radicalism." No one will know what it +all means, but that is part of the programme. Even if this colour scheme +will not work, there is still a justification for the Asquithian phrase. +Everybody has heard of a "foul slander." Why not a "peacock temper"? + + * * * * * + +A Case of Parallelism. + +(_Extracts from the Report of a recent Conference._) + +"Dr. STANLEY BOYD advocated the use of milk and lentil soup." + +"Mrs. STANLEY BOYD thought that all such novels as _The Heavenly Twins_, +_The Manxman_, and _The Wages of Sin_, should be tabooed." + + * * * * * + +SIR PETER.--A well-written letter in the _Times_ last week puts what +maybe called "The Hard Case of Sir PETER EDLIN"--and, indeed, he +must be pretty well case-hardened at the Middlesex Sessions by this +time--clearly and forcibly before the public. Sir PETER EDLIN, it seems, +has been doing treble the amount of work for a two-third's salary. This +should be righted, and the Judge at the Middlesex Sessions should be +independent of the would-be ubiquitous L. C. C. Such is the opinion of +this Correspondent to the _Times_, and it is doubtless the opinion of a +fair and just majority. As _Joseph Surface_ observes in _The School for +Scandal_, "Well, it will give SIR PETER great satisfaction to hear +_this_." + + * * * * * + +ONLY NATURAL.--A shareholder at a recent company meeting complained, +with some amount of feeling, that he found it next to impossible to +obtain a "good penny bun." Can it be that so many people have "taken the +bun" that there are none left? + + * * * * * + +THE LINKS. + + 'Tis a brilliant autumn day, + And the breeze has blown away + All the clouds that lowered gray, + So methinks, + As I've half an hour to spare, + I will go and take the air, + While the weather still is fair, + On the Links. + + I admire the splendid view, + The delicious azure hue + Of the ocean and--when, _whew!_ + With a crack, + Lo! there drops a little ball + Which elects to break its fall + By alighting on the small + Of my back. + + In the distance some one cries + Some remark about my eyes, + None too pleasant, I surmise, + From the tone; + So away my steps I turn + Till a figure I discern, + Who is mouching by the burn + All alone. + + He has lost a new "Eclipse," + And a little word that slips + Front his sulky-looking lips + Tells me true + That, besides the missing ball, + Which is gone beyond recall, + He has lost--what's worst of all-- + Temper too. + + I conclude it will be best + If I leave him unaddressed, + Such a melancholy quest + To pursue; + And I pass to where I spy + Clouds of sand uprising high + Till they all but hide the sky + From the view. + + They proceed, I understand, + From a bunker full of sand, + Where a golfer, club in hand, + Freely swears + As he hacks with all his might, + Till his countenance is quite + As vermilion as the bright + Coat he wears. + + I observe him for a while + With a highly-tickled smile, + For it is the queerest style + Ever seen: + He is very short and stout, + And he knocks the ball about, + But he never gets it out + On the green. + + Still I watch him chop and hack, + Till I hear a sudden crack, + And the club-head makes a track + In the light-- + There' s a startled cry of "FORE!" + As it flies, and all is o'er!-- + I remember nothing more + Till to-night, + + When I find myself in bed + With a lump upon my head + Like a penny loaf of bread; + And methinks, + For the future I'll take care, + When I want a little air, + That I won't go anywhere + Near the Links. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE. + +THE STORK AS HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN.] + + * * * * * + +THE DILEMMA OF THE HEADLESS SPECTRE. + + I've always done my best to please, + Then wherefore do they scoff? + A headless ghost, in days like these, + Is very badly off. + + Some say, for MYERS we ought to go, + And some for Mr. STEAD. + I really can't profess to know, + For I have lost my head. + + They come and ask me for a key + To life's dark prison cell. + Oh, what's the use of asking _me?_ + However can _I_ tell? + + I do not understand the speech + Of all these learned men. + Wildly I wave my hand at each, + Again and yet again. + + I feel that I have stayed too late, + And yet I can't move on. + I'm utterly inadequate, + Because my head is gone. + + I wish I were I don't know what, + I wish that I were dead. + _I don't know if I am or not_, + For I have lost my head! + + * * * * * + +INS AND OUTS. + +"Cricket was a far superior game to golf or tennis," said Lord KNUTSFORD +to the members of the Victoria Park Cricket Association; and he went on +to tell a story of the first introduction of cricket to Tonga, one of +the Pacific Islands. Everybody took up the game so heartily that State +affairs were allowed to slide altogether, and at last the King of TONGA +had to lay down rules as to the times when the game might be indulged +in. "Even then the Prime Minister was with difficulty prevented from +bowling during forbidden hours." For Tonga read Westminster--where a +good deal of _tongue_--ah!--goes on--and we get a result something like +this:-- + +"After the usual luncheon interval, the Leader of the Opposition and the +ex-Umpire-General faced the delivery of the First Commissioner of Stumps +and the Scorin' Secretary. The punishment inflicted by the former on the +bowling led to a Cabinet crisis, ending in the Secretary of State +resigning his office and the leather to the Lord High Wicket-keep. The +result of this change was soon apparent, for the Leader of the +Opposition was clean bowled by a quotation from _Hansard_, and his place +was taken by a prominent member from below the Opposition Gangway. + +"As the score still mounted, the Ministry decided to apply the Closure +to the game, an effort which was resisted by the whole force of the +Opposition, armed with pads and wickets. During the all-night innings +which ensued the Prime Minister retired hurt, and the Ministry were +finally driven into the Pavilion, where they expressed a decided +intention, in consequence of the underhand bowling of their opponents, +of at once appealing to the country. The Committee of Lords' has placed +its veto on these disorderly proceedings, and 'Down with the Lords' is +likely to be the Ministerial rallying-cry during the forthcoming +Election." + + * * * * * + +A LITERARY DISCOVERY.--It has been hitherto thought that only two "G. O. +M.'s" existed, the one, _par excellence_, being _The_ G. O. M., and the +other, the Right Hon. G. O. MORGAN. But there _is_ a third, and he is +GE-O M(EREDITH). No more at present. + + * * * * * + +TITLE FOR A TEMPERANCE TALE.--Under +the Red Nose! + + * * * * * + +THE DAY OF SMALL THINGS. + + No novels now, but novelettes; + Cigars give place to cigarettes. + Titanic "suns" to twinkling "stars," + Pictures to sketches, "pomes" to "pars"; + Bonnets to things like housemaids' caps, + Banquets to tit-bits, books to scraps, + And three-vol novels to "short stories." + Gibbon-like length and epic glories, + Like mammoths and cave-bears, are gone, + Earth brings not back the mastodon; + The microbe takes its place. They kill us + Not by a giant, but bacillus. + Monsters, huge dragons, Laidly Worms, + We fear no more, 'tis unseen "germs" + That floor us in our life's full pride. + We want a "Jack the Germicide," + And not the Giant Killer now. + Behemoth and the big bow-wow + Are gone; for aught not smart and little + We do not care one jot or tittle! + + * * * * * + +FAMILIAR LATIN QUOTATION (_adapted for the use of Empire, Alhambra, and +Music Halls generally_).--"_Spectaculum veniunt_; _venit inspector_; +_out tipsy_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IMPROVEMENTS IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS. + +II.--IMPROVED KITCHEN ARRANGEMENTS.] + + * * * * * + +BEAUTIES OF BOLOGNA. + + Not those, along the route prescribed + To see them in a hurry, + Church, palace, gallery, described + By worthy Mr. MURRAY. + + Nor those detailed as well by whom + But BAEDEKER, the German; + The choir, the nave, the font, the tomb, + The pulpit for the sermon. + + No tourist traps which tire you out, + A never-ending worry; + Most interesting things, no doubt, + Described by Mr. MURRAY. + + Nor yet, O gastronomic mind-- + In cookery a boss, sage + In recipes--you will not find, + I mean Bologna sausage. + + Not beauties, which, perhaps, you class + With your own special curry; + Not beauties, which we must not pass + If led by Mr. MURRAY. + + I sing--alas, how very ill!-- + Those beauties of the city, + The praise of whose dark eyes might fill + A much more worthy ditty. + + O, Ladies of Bologna, who + The coldest heart might flurry, + I much prefer to study you + Than BAEDEKER or MURRAY! + + Those guide-book sights no longer please; + Three hours still, _tre ore_, + I have to lounge and look at these + _Bellissime signore_. + + Then slow express--South Western goes + Much faster into Surrey-- + Will take me off to other shows + Described by Mr. MURRAY. + + But still, _Signore_, there will be, + By your sweet faces smitten, + One Englishman who came to see + What BAEDEKER has written. + + Let BAEDEKER then see the lot + In frantic hurry-scurry. + I've found some beauties which are not + Described by Mr. MURRAY. + + * * * * * + +CLIO AT SALCOMBE. + +(_Funeral of James Anthony Froude._) + + Scarce Clio's self, calm-soul'd historic Muse, + Praise to her fiery votary may refuse, + Though lacking somewhat the judicial poise + Of clear mind unperturbed by faction's noise, + And creed's fanatic clamour, valued most + But her who heads the grave recording host. + His vivid pictures live; his virile touch + (Though oft of the too little or too much + Ardently heedless in his passionate flow + Of words that wake and thoughts that warmly glow), + Quickens the past, and moves the patriot heart + Of British manhood. His the stylist's part, + The partisan's impressiveness. He missed + The highest height, clear, cloudless, morning-kissed. + But long will he be dear to those who love + The picturings that charm, the words that move; + And the grave Muse may well let fall a tear, + And lay her tribute laurel on his bier. + +NEAT AND APPROPRIATE.--To the PROWLINA PRYS and their allies, the +Visiting Injustices, may be addressed the ancient charge made against +certain spies, "Nay, but to see the nakedness of the land have ye come." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SKETCH AT PADDINGTON. + +THE REVEREND MOTLEY, WHO MAKES ONE OF A RIVER-PARTY, FANCIES HE MET A +GLANCE OF RECOGNITION FROM THE EYE OF HIS SOMEWHAT AUSTERE BISHOP, AND +FEELS A TRIFLE UNCOMFORTABLE.] + + * * * * * + +PAT THE PATRIOT. + +(_His reflection after reading of the Boa-bolting incident at the Zoo._) + + ST. PATRICK had a potent fist, + And was a saint right clever, + When he gave the snakes and toads a twist + And bothered them for ever. + But och! here's a betther plan than PAT'S! + 'Twould have saved the saint much bother + Had he trated the snakes like Kilkenny cats, + And made them swallow each other. + And even now 'twould save much row + In the shplit-up Oirish Parthy, + Could MCCARTHY'S "bolt" end REDMOND'S revolt, + Or REDMOND swallow MCCARTHY! + + * * * * * + +SPORTING.--'ARRY is delighted to hear that there is a two-year-old +running named '_Arriet_. "It's spelt Ariette I know," he says, "but +that's just French cussedness." + + * * * * * + +TO A WOULD-BE DESPOT. + + "Could I but rule!" with emphasis you say; + Then, doubtless, evil would be swept away. + How to begin, of course, is your affair, + Such practical arrangements are your care; + Our task would be no more than to obey! + + Injustice then would speedily decay, + Merit, and only merit, then would pay; + Which means, perhaps, I'd be a millionaire + Could I but rule! + + Well, many kings have lived and reigned their day; + I rather doubt if your despotic sway + Would quite fulfil the objects of your prayer; + Many have tried, and ended in despair, + And you, perhaps--But still you answer "Nay, + Could _I_ but rule!" + + * * * * * + +THE REAL "SUN OF YORK."--FRANK LOCKWOOD, Solicitor-General. + + * * * * * + +THE ART OF NAVAL PLATITUDE. + +MR. PUNCH,--Dear Sir,--As an able-bodied seaman and expert on the marine +serpent and other such questions of the hour, I have been very properly +asked for my opinion on the late collisions in the far East. Lest my +utterances should be misrepresented by journals unaccustomed to deal +with refinements of maritime phraseology, I send you a correct report of +my interview. + +[Illustration] + +"What deduction," began the reporter from the recesses of a deck-chair +that had figured at Trafalgar, "do you make with regard to the future of +naval warfare from the engagements of which we have lately read such +distracting accounts?" + +"My leading deduction," I replied, "is that it is difficult beforehand +to conjecture which side is going to win, and impossible afterwards to +discover which has actually won. History, however, and a long course of +technical experience, alike convince me that, given equal courage and +skill on both sides, vessels equally well equipped and armoured and of +precisely similar shape, tonnage, and fighting power, victory may be +expected, in many cases out of a few more, to fall to the party that is +_numerically the stronger of the two_. You are, perhaps, with me on this +point?" + +"I confess," he replied, "that you throw for me a new and lurid light on +a question always difficult for the lay mind to grapple with. But tell +me of the torpedo and its mission." + +"The deadliness," I said, "of this modern weapon of naval warfare is to +be fully appreciated by such alone as have been its unhappy victims. In +the incredibly short space of time between the moment of impact +and the decease of those who are, as an immediate result, blown to +indistinguishable atoms, no reliable evidence has, in the nature of +things, been taken down from the lips of the people best qualified to +submit it. + +"Disconnected fragments of speech, chiefly of a profane character, +constitute the sole testimony upon which we have to base our +conclusions. But we may safely affirm that one of the most, if not _the_ +most, important detail in the manipulation of this projectile is the +aim. Wrongly directed it is comparatively innocuous. In the unavoidable +hurry and confusion of the moment, when the attention of the operator is +diverted by the reiterated play of missiles upon his person, possibly a +prey at the very time to insufferable nausea, it is almost impossible to +guarantee the missile from aberration. You will pardon my +technicalities?" + +"I thank you," he replied, "and I follow you. But in what way do you +account for the success of the Japanese with these submarine weapons?" + +"Peruse the reports," I answered, "and draw your own deductions. '_On +the morning of the 18th_' (the morrow of the battle) '_the Japanese +flotilla of torpedo-boats returned to the Yalu and leisurely destroyed +with torpedoes several stranded Chinese vessels_.' + +"Here we have the best conceivable endorsement of my views. That which +in the excitement of the fray they were impotent to achieve, this, with +fitting leisure, unhampered by the annoyance of hostile opposition, and +with the object rigidly fixed, as in a vice, they effected with +unqualified and unquestioned success." + +Dazzled by my reflections he proceeded to put a fresh conundrum to me. +"What say you," he asked, "to the resources of China? I see that the +Dowager Empress has sent three millions of taels to the forces." + +"The tael," I explained, "is excellent eating. I perceive no immediate +reason for the evacuation of Peking as far as the supply of game is +concerned. This, however, is a side issue, and not strictly nautical in +its bearing. + +"To proceed at once, and in conclusion, to the matter of our own naval +supremacy" (for I saw this inevitable question already framed on his +lips), "I will give you in a word the accumulated wisdom of long years +of naval intuition. My motto is '_Always win!_' + +"Once let the enemy, however inferior, win, and for the time being you +are beaten. We are--and here I rely not only on my own observation, but +on the testimony of countless myriads of my species--_we are an +insular nation_. Further, _our commerce is largely dependent on our +merchandise_. It was not till I had realised to the full these two +momentous and crucial facts that I arrived at the conclusion which I +have already imparted to you, and now venture to repeat--'_Always win!_' +You bear me out, I imagine?" + +"I bear myself," he affably replied; thus concluding an interview in the +course of which there had been no manner of hitch except the usual +nautical one at the moment of his coming aboard; and that was due not to +the absence of braces, but to respect for my position as an Admiralty +Crichton. + +There, _Mr. Punch_, you are welcome to make any use you will of a +statement that contains practically and tactically the final word on the +future of naval warfare. + + _Crede_, dear Sir, + + Yours unusually + + EXPERTO. + + * * * * * + +A NEW DEPARTURE. + +In pursuance of a recent correspondence in the _Times_, it has been +decided to safeguard the rights and legalise the _status_ of +interviewees by the formation of an influential association. _Mr. Punch_ +has been accorded an advance proof of the prospectus. + +SOCIETY FOR THE PROTECTION OF HELPLESS AND DESERVING INTERVIEWEES. + +(_Founded Oct. 24, 1894._) + +Chief Offices: Utopia. Operating Room and Infirmary: Harrow Weald. + +[Illustration] + +COUNCIL. + +The MIKADO (President); Sir JOSEPH PORTER, K. C. B. (Vice-President); +BARNABY BAMPTON BOO, Esq., of the _Bab Ballads_; BORRIA BUNGALEE BOO, +ditto, King; Mrs. BOO; REGINALD BUNTHORNE, Esq., Fleshly Poet; The Lord +Bishop of RUMTI-FOO; Sir EDWARD CORCORAN, K.C.B., Capt. R.N.; Lord MOUNT +ARARAT; Lord TOLLOLLER; POOH BAH, Esq., of the Japan Society; Mdlles. +PEEP-BO, PITTI SING, and YUMYUM, of the Savoy Theatre. + +Solicitors: Messrs. KOKO & CO. Jester: Mr. JACK POINT. + +Jailor and Chucker-out: Mr. WILL SHADBOLT. + +OBJECTS OF THE SOCIETY. + +(1.) To develop the new calling of Professional Interviewee. (2.) To +provide the newspaper-reading public with amusement. (3.) To supply +eminent humorists and others with enjoyable, rational, and profitable +employment. (4.) And, incidentally, to encourage retiring and diffident +lady interviewers. + +RULES. + +1. That all persons shall be eligible for membership of the Society, +with the following exceptions:--Infants in arms; Their Descendants and +other Relatives within the Prohibited Degrees; Parties who are balmy on +the Crumpet,; H. M.'s guests at Portland, Newgate, and Broadmoor; JABEZ; +Persons who have written a book; Persons who haven't; Mrs. PROWLINA PRY; +also all the pragmatic and prudish nonentities who have pranced in +prurient print over the unsavoury question lately discussed _ad nauseam_ +in the columns of the _D. T._ + +2. That if the interview be conducted by one of the male sex, the +Society's chucker-out, jester, and solicitors shall always be present. + +3. That the following scale of fees, payable by the Interviewer to the +Interviewee, be adopted:-- + + £ _s. d._ + Mere Nobody 0 0 2 + Nobody Else 0 2 6 + Mr. WH-STL-R, over a recent Grievance 0 6 8 + Minister, of Cabinet Rank 1 1 0 + Gaiety Girl, of the Front Rank 1 1 1 + Cabman, of any Rank 1 1 2 + Mr. ARTHUR ROBERTS, on Things in General 2 2 0 + Ditto, on the Empire Question 3 3 0 + Any leading Burglar, Pickpocket, or Company Promoter, + with discount for cash 4 4 0 + Pugilist, including services of Policeman and Surgeon 5 5 0 + G. O. M., if you can get at him 10 10 0 + Eminent Humorist, when irritated 21 0 0 + Ditto, if a Lady, and pretty (these are scarce) 50 0 0 + Anybody who hasn't yet been Interviewed (these are + scarcer) 100 0 0 + +4. That the Society be immediately dissolved, in view of pending +litigation. + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Inconsistent spelling and hyphenation are as in the original. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +107, November 3, 1894, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43882 *** |