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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43882 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 107.
+
+NOVEMBER 3, 1894.
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH TO THE NEW ATTORNEY-GENERAL.
+
+  Law is not Pan; but "BOB"'s a man,
+    To make us sure indeed.
+  Themis will play airs bright and gay,
+    Armed with this "vocal REID"!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"'Now I'm furnished,'" hummed the Baron. "'Now I'm furnished'--with
+several books for my journey, and----" "Tickets, please," broke in the
+inspector. "Just when I was comfortable," growled the Baron; "but no
+matter. And now for the _Pen and Pencil Sketches_."
+
+[Illustration: "Little Billee."]
+
+The father of Mr. STACY MARKS predestined him for the coach-building
+business. Providence, interposing, made him a painter, and the gaiety of
+nations has been increased by the possession of some storks. In _Pen and
+Pencil Sketches_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS) he has given the world some
+reminiscences of a career justly crowned by the laurels of the Royal
+Academy. The work is in two volumes, and my Baronite says would have
+been more than twice as good had it been in one. The first volume is
+charming, with its chat about LEIGH'S studio and the men met there; of
+CHARLES KEENE and the delightful cruise off Gravesend in the _William
+and Mary_; of merry days with the St. John's Wood clique; of nights at
+ARTHUR LEWIS'S; and of days with FRED WALKER. When the flood of memory
+runs dry, and there still remains a second volume to be produced, Mr.
+MARKS grows desperate, and shovels in anything he finds handy in the
+pigeon-holes of his desk. Thus the pleased reader finds reprinted
+articles that appeared in the _Spectator_ thirty years ago, when Mr.
+MARKS was art critic to that respectable journal. Also there is a
+description of BAMPTON, which once thrilled the readers of the _Tiverton
+Gazette_. This gives to the second volume something of the smell of an
+apple store-room. But the first is good enough to atone for the burden
+of the second. By a happy coincidence, whilst Mr. DU MAURIER in _Trilby_
+has made all the world in love with _Little Billee_, he appears under
+his own name in many of Mr. MARKS' pages, and is always the same
+charming, simple-minded, sensitive man of genius. It is pleasant to read
+how our Mr. AGNEW--"WILLIAM" the wise call him--gave the young painter
+his first substantial lift. WALKER had painted a picture he called
+"_Spring_," a young girl gathering primroses in a wood. Yielding to the
+advice of his friends, he put on it a price the amount of which abashed
+him. Mr. AGNEW saw the picture, recognised its merit, and wrote a cheque
+for the full amount asked. When the young artist heard of his good
+fortune he burst into tears, and gasping out "I must go and tell my
+mother," rushed from the place. Of the original sketches with which the
+volumes are enriched are some pen-and-ink drawings by FRED WALKER, which
+reveal in a new light the painter of "_The Almshouse_." Amongst many
+good stories, Mr. MARKS tells how he was addressed by a clergyman, who,
+believing from his name that he was a Jew, invited him to look in at his
+church and be converted. "MARCO'S" reply conclusively proved his
+possession of a Christian spirit.
+
+[Illustration: "A Late Physician."]
+
+Since SAMUEL WARREN wrote his _Diary of a Late Physician_,--to which, as
+the Baron supposes, allusion is made in p. 200 of this book, where the
+narrator says, "Thus it happens that the ablest chronicler of their
+(_i.e._ medical men's) experiences in our literature was a lawyer,"--no
+more interesting, and occasionally sensational, stories have appeared
+than those written by Mr. CONAN DOYLE, and published by METHUEN & CO. in
+a single volume, under the title of _Round the Red Lamp_. One of these,
+_A Straggler of '15_, has been recently developed into a one act
+dramatic sketch for Mr. IRVING, who, in the part of the ancient veteran
+"lagging superfluous," is reported to have achieved a remarkable
+success. For pathos, _A Physiologist's Wife_ is as perfect in style as
+it is original in design; to those who want to take something strong
+before going to bed, the Baron can confidently recommend _The Case of
+Lady Sannox_; while for those of the inferior sex whom Providence has
+blessed with nerves, the Baron prescribes to be taken, the last thing at
+night, with a favourite pipe and a tumbler of the reader's special
+"wanity," the story of _Lot No. 249_; "lights full up," as the stage
+directions say, the door locked, and the room previously searched, in
+order to be quite sure that no practical joker is in hiding behind
+screen, curtains, or under table, who might think it humorous to pop out
+when you are deep in the story, and "give you fits."
+
+[Illustration: "Reading _Lot No. 249_."]
+
+In the _Yellow Book_, No. 3, let me praise Mr. DOWSON'S "Apple Blossoms
+in Brittany"; a charming unfinished picture. You must guess what the
+fruit may possibly be from the blossom. Also very good is HENRY
+HARLAND'S "When I am a King."
+
+ BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AIRS RESUMPTIVE.
+
+V.--LILITH LIBIFERA.
+
+(_After Rossetti._)
+
+[Illustration:
+  PORTRAIT OF
+  THE ARTIST
+  IN BED
+      -LAM
+  PUZZLE--
+  TO FIND HIM]
+
+  Under a canopy dark-hued as--well,
+    Consult the Bilious Book, page 51--
+    Lies pallid WHISKERSLEY'S presentment, done
+  By WHISKERSLEY'S own weird unearthly spell.
+  His is that Lady known as JEZEBEL
+    Or LILITH, Eden's woman-scorpion,
+    LIBIFERA, that is, that takes the bun,
+  BORGIA, VIVIEN, Cussed Damosel.
+
+  Hers are the bulging lips that fairly break
+    The pumpkin's heart; and hers the eyes that shame
+      The wanton ape that culls the cocoa-nuts.
+  Even such the yellow-bellied toads that slake
+    Nocturnally their amorous-ardent flame
+      In the wan waste of weary water-butts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ECCLESIASTICAL HIBERNIAN-IBERIAN MEDDLE AND MUDDLE.--Lord HALIFAX
+writes to the Cardinal Archbishop of TOLEDO to protest against the
+appointment of an Anglo-Iberian bishop to Spain made by the Archbishop
+of DUBLIN & CO.; and his English Eminence Cardinal VAUGHAN writes to
+Spanish Eminence to protest against the protest of Lord HALIFAX. Of
+which the sum is that all the parties to the case are evidently, for the
+time being, Protestants!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ORIGIN OF THE BLUSH-ROSE.
+
+  I asked the Queen of Flowers
+    Why the blush-rose blushed so red,
+  Through the sun-rays and the showers,
+    And so bowed its modest head.
+  And fair Flora whispered "Hush!
+    It would hurt the rose to hear!--
+  The beginning of that blush
+    Was not love, or shame, or fear.
+  All the pretty faëry fancies
+    That you find in poet's song,
+  And encounter in romances,
+    Are entirely false and wrong.
+  That flush so fair and fleeting
+    Means not passion, pride or pity;
+  But hot memories of the meeting
+    Of a Vigilance Committee!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. CHANT-I-CLEAR THE MUSIC HALLS.--So the verdict of the L.C.C. was
+against the Empire. This, of course, does not prove that the Members of
+the Council are amenable to _Chantage_. On this occasion Mrs. CHANT made
+them sing to her tune. But the tune will not be popular.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CRUEL POET.--Father Time is the offender when he begins to write lines
+on your face.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ADVICE GRATIS."
+
+_Betsy Trotwood (Mrs. London City) to Mr. Dick (Mr. H-w-s)._ "NOW HERE
+YOU SEE SIR CHRISTOPHER WREN'S CHILD, AND THE QUESTION I PUT TO YOU IS,
+_WHAT SHALL I DO WITH HIM?_ COME, I WANT SOME VERY SOUND ADVICE."
+
+THE CONTEMPLATION OF OLD ST. PAUL'S SEEMED TO INSPIRE HIM WITH A SUDDEN
+IDEA, AND HE REPLIED BRISKLY, "I SHOULD WASH HIM!"
+
+"MR. H-W-S," SAID MRS. LONDON CITY, "SETS US ALL RIGHT. WE'LL FILL THE
+FIRE-ENGINE WITH SOAP-AND-WATER!"--_"David Copperfield," adapted._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HOPELESS QUEST.
+
+  My mind a perfect blank I've made,
+    Upon a disc I've fixed my eyes.
+  I hoped, by mesmerism's aid,
+    To probe stupendous mysteries.
+  Hour after hour in solitude
+    I thus have spent, but, to be frank,
+  There was no magic trance ensued,
+    My mind remained a perfect blank.
+
+  To _séances_ if I repair,
+    "A hostile influence" they detect.
+  The spirits, of my presence ware,
+    Their customary rites neglect.
+  A few faint raps, and they have flown,
+    With all their perfumes, notes, and flowers.
+  The mediums on my entrance frown--
+    I am not blest with occult powers!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERFECT.--The _Daily Telegraph_, in a short notice of a present made to
+a Mr. OSLER for assisting the police, mentions the unavoidable absence
+on this interesting occasion of "Chief Inspector BELTON,"--which is a
+good name suggestive of staff attached to "belt on,"--and of "Mr.
+Superintendent FERRETT"--than which no better name was ever found, out
+of a burlesque novel, for a clever detective.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TWO WAYS OF AUDITING.
+
+I.--THE OLD WAY.
+
+SCENE.--_A Chamber in a Civic Building. The Town Clerk and the Auditor
+discovered at a table covered with papers._
+
+_Clerk._ Then I believe that you are entirely satisfied with the
+accounts?
+
+_Auditor._ Oh, perfectly. (_After a pause._) There is one item
+I wanted to ask about--I've no doubt you'll be able to explain it
+satisfactorily--it's this "£25 for ginger-beer to the Mayor and Council
+on the occasion of opening the new Cemetery." Does not--er--that sum
+represent a rather large number of bottles?
+
+_Clerk_ (_in an off-hand way_). Well, we put down ginger-beer, you know,
+as it _looks_ better, and there's a rather strong temperance party in
+the borough. Of course, it was really champagne--"extra sec," too, you
+bet!
+
+_Auditor._ Oh, of course. I merely mentioned the matter for the sake of
+form. And the "£15 for cigars"--that was an expenditure incurred at the
+same time, I conclude?
+
+_Clerk_ (_carelessly_). Oh, yes. Y'see, one of the Councillors is the
+leading tobacconist in the place.
+
+_Auditor_ (_relieved_). Ah, that accounts for it. Then these "models of
+the Crematorium in gold and jewels, as brooches for the wives of the
+Councillors"--I see they come to £105 in all.
+
+_Clerk_ (_sternly_). You don't _object_ to the brooches, I presume?
+
+_Auditor_ (_anxiously_). Oh, not at all. Not in the least. A
+most--er--praiseworthy method of spending the ratepayers' money.
+
+_Clerk._ Quite so. Our Mayor's our leading jeweller, you know. So, as
+you've put "Examined and Approved," shall we go in to lunch? For a "cold
+collation on the occasion of the audit" our Council always allows £10.
+It'll be rather a good feed.
+
+    [_Exeunt into banqueting apartment._
+
+II.--THE NEW WAY.
+
+_Auditor._ Oh, what larks!
+
+    [_Subsides into a chair, and takes two minutes to recover from
+    his fit of merriment._
+
+_Clerk_ (_surprised_). I really fail to see where the joke comes in.
+
+_Auditor._ Oh, don't you know? I'm one of the new class of comic
+auditors--"made in Manchester." What tickles me is this item of £17 for
+gold match-boxes for lighting the cigars of the Mayor and Aldermen on
+the occasion of the visit to the Sewage Farm. _There's_ persiflage, if
+you like!
+
+_Clerk_ (_smiling_). I'm glad you take so humorous a view of the matter.
+Of course you allow that expenditure?
+
+_Auditor._ Allow it! Not for worlds. Then--(_with difficulty restraining
+another outburst of mirth_)--how about "£27 for oysters and Chablis"
+after the visit?
+
+_Clerk._ The Council naturally required some refreshment at the end of
+the journey--quite a quarter of a mile, in their own carriages--and
+oysters were rather dear just then--a little out of season.
+
+_Auditor_ (_after a guffaw_). Capital! "Out of season"--out of reason,
+too, _I_ should say. Of course I must surcharge the oysters and Chablis.
+Really, I'm enjoying myself immensely!
+
+_Clerk_ (_gloomily_). I hope the Council will feel equal enjoyment at
+your report. Do you mean seriously----
+
+_Auditor._ Seriously! Not a bit of it. I tell you I'm a comic character.
+And what better practical joke can one play than suddenly to come down
+on public officials with an audit disallowing all their little personal
+luxuries? Afraid I must strike out these items of "Visits to Olympia by
+Corporation to inspect the lighting arrangements," and "Ditto at Empire
+and Alhambra Theatres." No doubt the Aldermen will be glad to pay for
+them themselves. Now I think the business is finished. Lunch? No,
+thanks. A screaming joke like this is lunch enough for me.
+
+    [_Crams handkerchief in mouth, and exit._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CANT _v._ CANT.
+
+  If "want of decency is want of sense,"
+    So want of sense may very likely lead
+  To want of decency. The poor pretence
+    Of interested vice sense will not heed.
+  A satyr's satire is but sorry stuff;
+    Anti-Cant's canting is most sickening fudge.
+  Belial, who backs his trade with bounce and bluff,
+    Wins not a case where wisdom is the judge.
+  Protests against the pryings of the prude
+    Are not to help the profitably lewd.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE POLITE GUIDE TO THE CIVIL SERVICE.
+
+(_By an Affable Philosopher and Courteous Friend._)
+
+HOW TO ENTER THE CIVIL SERVICE.
+
+In the good old days of yore there was little trouble in obtaining
+admission to the Civil Service. All that was necessary was a slight
+knowledge of a Cabinet Minister, and a smattering of schooling. The
+latter might be obtained at Eton, Winchester, Rugby, Westminster, or
+Harrow. The acquaintance of the Minister, of course, had to be made by
+your father. You were too young to have attracted the attention of so
+important a personage. Suppose you had reached the mature age of
+eighteen, and had given up the round jackets and collars of boyhood, and
+had assumed "stick-ups" and "cutaways," your father would probably ask
+you "What you intended to do next?"
+
+"No, my dear fellow," would be the paternal reply to a suggestion about
+Trinity or Christ Church. "I am afraid I can't manage either. You see,
+your two elder brothers went to the University, but then we could find
+_them_ family livings. It would be useless to let you read for the Bar,
+because we haven't any of us married into a single firm of Solicitors;
+and in these hard times I really can't afford to buy you a commission."
+
+You would notice _sotto voce_ that when ways and means were being
+discussed, times were always hard.
+
+"I suppose you could be a doctor if you pleased; but walking the
+hospitals is not a particularly pleasant occupation. Then there is
+another opening--why not try the Civil Service?"
+
+You would rather freshen up at this. You would have read in a comic
+paper, that never will be nameless, that Government clerks were like the
+fountains in Trafalgar Square (old style), "because they played from ten
+to four."
+
+"Well, yes," you would return. "I don't think I should mind that so
+much. It would be rather fun to go to Paris as an _attaché_."
+
+"I'm afraid I couldn't quite manage that, my dear boy," your fond parent
+would respond. "They don't pay _attachés_ at first, and so you would
+have to be satisfied with the War Office or the Admiralty instead of the
+Foreign Office."
+
+"All right, Pater," you would say, and leave the matter in the hands of
+the elder generation.
+
+Then your father would write to any Cabinet Minister of his acquaintance
+about things in general and nothing in particular, and would add a
+"P.S." asking for a nomination. In due course a reply would come
+granting the sweet boon. A test examination would follow of a
+perfunctory character, and an intimation of your appointment would be
+the sequel. Then you would take up your daily residence in Pall Mall or
+Whitehall for twenty or thirty years and then retire as a Knight or a
+C.B. Thus was done in the comparatively long ago. But now-a-days another
+plan has to be adopted.
+
+Instead of entering the Civil Service as a junior join it as a senior.
+As a preliminary you must get into the House. This is simpler than
+having to cram and then stand the racket of a competitive examination.
+Any one under certain conditions can enter Parliament, but the Civil
+Service Commissioners bar the entrance to the Government offices with
+equally certain regulations. For the sake of argument let me assume that
+you are in the House. You have stood for Slocum-on-the-Marsh, and have
+persuaded the Slocum-on-the-Marshers to elect you. As an M.P. you are
+duly qualified to accept any appointment under the Crown when the
+Government ask you. The best plan is to think of an office and then add
+one to it--yourself.
+
+"Why not the Public Squander Department?" you ask yourself. To which you
+reply with a second question, "Why not?"
+
+Yes, the P. S. D. is not half bad. But how to get into it. Well, why not
+take up Milestones? All the world knows that the Public Squander
+Department are responsible for all the Milestones not under the
+superintendence of the county authorities. Go for the Milestones.
+
+Begin with a question. Learn that the Milestones in the Old Bath Road
+are in many cases illegible. Request the Secretary of the Public
+Squander Department to inform you when the inscription of such and such
+a Milestone was last restored? The official will fence the query.
+Probably his Private Secretary, considering you a new man, will have
+failed to furnish the necessary information. You must expect a little
+retardation at the first set-off.
+
+And here let me point out for your future guidance the importance of
+having a private secretary thoroughly up to his work. Had your answerer
+been possessed of the proper sort of assistant you would have been
+discovered, respectfully button-holed, and perforce satisfied. You would
+never have had the heart to put your question about the Milestones. But
+the particular Private Secretary of your answerer being _not_ up to his
+work you get snubbed.
+
+But don't be discouraged; stick to your Milestones.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Bombard "the Right Hon. Gentleman opposite" with questions. Ask him for
+particulars about the Milestones in the Old Kent Road and on Salisbury
+Plain. If he requests notice, give him notice. By degrees you will find
+that you are becoming an institution. Milestones are your specialty.
+When the House is sitting demand particulars. When the House is up,
+write to the papers. Move for returns about Milestones. Go down to
+Slocum-on-the-Marsh and read papers on Milestones. If possible, be made
+a F.S.A. on the strength of your knowledge of Milestones. So identify
+yourself with Milestones that when your name is casually mentioned
+anywhere, let it be common form for some one to say, "Of course, the
+chap who looks after the Milestones."
+
+Wait patiently until your side move over from the Opposition to the
+Government benches. Then will come your opportunity. You will have sat
+upon a Milestone Commission. You have been very instrumental in getting
+Milestones polished. You have caused Milestones to be multiplied. All
+these services must be recognised. And they will.
+
+You will find yourself offered the Secretaryship of the Public Squander
+Department--to take care of the Milestones. Accept it. You will now have
+become a Civil Servant. On some future occasion I may suggest how you
+may successfully perform your duties in your new position.
+
+[Illustration: A REALIST IN FICTION.
+
+"I SAW A RABBIT RUN THROUGH THAT HEDGE!"
+
+"NO, DEAR. IT WAS IMAGINATION!"
+
+"ARE 'MAGINATIONS WHITE BEHIND?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEFINITION.--A London Square is the Paradise of Perambulators.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LYRE AND LANCET.
+
+(_A Story in Scenes._)
+
+PART XVIII.--THE LAST STRAW.
+
+SCENE XXVII. (_continued_).--_The Chinese Drawing Room._ SPURRELL'S
+_ingenuous remark upon the coincidence of the title of the volume in his
+hand with the name of his bull-dog has produced a painful silence, which
+no one has sufficient presence of mind to break for several seconds._
+
+_Miss Spelwane_ (_to herself_). Not CLARION BLAIR! Not even a poet! I--I
+could _slap_ him!
+
+_Pilliner_ (_to himself_). Poor dear VIVIEN! But if people will insist
+on patting a strange poet, they mustn't be surprised if they get a nasty
+bite!
+
+_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). He _didn't_ write _Andromeda!_ Then he
+hasn't got my letter after all! And I've been such a _brute_ to the poor
+dear man! _How_ lucky I said nothing about it to GERALD!
+
+_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself_). So he _ain't_ the bard!... Now I
+see why MAISIE's been behavin' so oddly all the evenin'; she spotted
+him, and didn't like to speak out. Tried to give me a hint, though.
+Well, I shall stay out my leave now!
+
+_Lady Rhoda_ (_to herself_). I thought all along he seemed too good a
+sort for a poet!
+
+_Archie_ (_to himself_). It's all very well; but how about that skit he
+went up to write on us? He _must_ be a poet of sorts.
+
+_Mrs. Brooke-Chatteris_ (_to herself_). This is fearfully puzzling. What
+made him say that about "Lady Grisoline"?
+
+_The Bishop_ (_to himself_). A crushing blow for the Countess; but not
+unsalutary. I am distinctly conscious of feeling more kindly disposed to
+that young man. Now why?
+
+    [_He ponders._
+
+_Lady Lullington_ (_to herself_). I thought this young man was going to
+read us some of his poetry; it's too tiresome of him to stop to tell us
+about his bull-dog. As if anybody cared _what_ he called it!
+
+_Lord Lullington_ (_to himself_). Uncommonly awkward, this! If I could
+catch LAURA'S eye--but I suppose it would hardly be decent to go just
+yet.
+
+_Lady Culverin_ (_to herself_). Can ROHESIA have known this? What
+possible object could she have had in----And oh, dear, how disgusted
+RUPERT will be!
+
+_Sir Rupert_ (_to himself_). Seems a decent young chap enough! Too bad
+of ROHESIA to let him in for this. I don't care a straw what he is--he's
+none the worse for not being a poet.
+
+_Lady Cantire_ (_to herself_). What _is_ he maundering about? It's
+utterly inconceivable that _I_ should have made any mistake. It's only
+too clear what the cause is--_Claret!_
+
+_Spurrell_ (_aloud, good-humouredly_). Too bad of you to try and spoof
+me like this before everybody, Miss SPELWANE! I don't know whose idea it
+was to play me such a trick, but----
+
+_Miss Spelw._ (_indistinctly_). Please understand that nobody here had
+the _least_ intention of playing a trick upon you!
+
+_Spurr._ Well, if you say so, of course----But it looked rather like it,
+asking me to read when I've about as much poetry in me as--as a pot hat!
+Still, if I'm _wanted_ to read aloud, I shall be happy to oblige----
+
+_Lady Culv._ (_hastily_). Indeed, _indeed_, Mr. SPURRELL, we couldn't
+think of troubling you under the circumstances! (_In desperation._)
+VIVIEN, my dear, won't you _sing_ something?
+
+    [_The company echo the request with unusual eagerness._
+
+_Spurr._ (_to himself, during_ Miss SPELWANE'S _song_). Wonder what's
+put them off being read to all of a sudden. (_As his eye happens to rest
+on the binding of the volume on his knee._) Hullo! This cover's pink,
+with silver things, not unlike cutlets, on it! Didn't EMMA ask me----?
+By George, if it's _that!_ I may get down to the Housekeeper's Room,
+after all! As soon as ever this squalling stops I'll find out; I _can't_
+go on like this! (Miss SPELWANE _leaves the piano; everybody plunges
+feverishly into conversation on the first subject--other than poetry or
+dogs--that presents itself, until_ Lord _and_ Lady LULLINGTON _set a
+welcome example of departure._) Better wait till these county nobs have
+cleared, I suppose--there goes the last of 'em--now for it!... (_He
+pulls himself together, and approaches his host and hostess._) Hem, Sir
+RUPERT, and your ladyship, it's occurred to me that it's just barely
+possible you may have got it into your heads that I was something in the
+_poetical_ way.
+
+_Sir Rup._ (_to himself_). Not this poor young chap's fault; must let
+him down as easily as possible! (_Aloud._) Not at all--not at all!
+Ha--assure you we quite understand; no necessity to say another word
+about it.
+
+_Spurr._ (_to himself_). Just my luck! They quite understand! No
+Housekeeper's Room for me this journey! (_Aloud._) Of course I knew the
+Countess, there, and Lady MAISIE, were fully aware all along----(_To_
+Lady MAISIE, _as stifled exclamations reach his ear._) You _were_,
+weren't you?
+
+_Lady Maisie_ (_hastily_). Yes, yes, Mr. SPURRELL. Of course! It's all
+_perfectly_ right!
+
+_Spurr._ (_to the others_). You see, I should never have thought of
+coming in as a visitor if it hadn't been for the Countess; she would
+_have_ it that it was all right, and that I needn't be afraid I
+shouldn't be welcome.
+
+_Lady Culv._ To be sure--any friend of my sister-in-law's----
+
+_Lady Cant._ ALBINIA, I have refrained from speech as long as possible;
+but this is really _too_ much! You _don't_ suppose I should have
+introduced Mr. SPURRELL here unless I had had the strongest reasons for
+knowing, however he may be pleased to mystify us now, that he, and
+nobody else, is the author of _Andromeda!_ And I, for one, absolutely
+decline to believe in this preposterous story of his about a bull-dog.
+
+_Spurr._ But your ladyship must have known! Why, you as good as asked me
+on the way here to put you down for a bull-pup!
+
+_Lady Cant._ Never, never! A bull-pup is the last creature I should ever
+dream of coveting. You were obliging enough to ask me to accept a
+presentation copy of your verses.
+
+_Spurr._ Was I? I don't exactly see how I _could_ have been, considering
+I never made a rhyme in my life!
+
+_Sir Rup._ There, there, ROHESIA, it was _your_ mistake; but as we are
+indebted to it for the pleasure of making Mr. SPURRELL's
+acquaintance----
+
+_Lady Cant._ I am not in the habit of making mistakes, RUPERT. I don't
+know what you and ALBINIA and MAISIE may know that I am in ignorance of,
+but, since you seem to have been aware from the first that Mr. SPURRELL
+was not the poet you had invited here to meet me, will you kindly
+explain what has become of the _real_ author?
+
+_Sir Rup._ My dear ROHESIA, I don't know and I don't _care!_
+
+_Lady Cant._ There you are _wrong_, RUPERT, because it's obvious that if
+he is not Mr. SPURRELL, his absence has to be accounted for in _some_
+way.
+
+_Spurr._ By Jove, I believe I can put you on the track. I shouldn't
+wonder if he's the party these dress clothes of mine belong to! I
+daresay you may have noticed they don't look as if they were made for
+me?
+
+_Lady Cant._ (_closing her eyes_). Pray let us avoid any sartorial
+discussions! We are waiting to hear about this person.
+
+_Spurr._ Well, I found I'd got on his things by mistake, and I went up
+as soon as I could after dessert to my room to take 'em off, and there
+he was, with a waste-paper basket on his head----
+
+_Lady Cant._ A waste-paper basket on his head! And pray what should he
+have _that_ for?
+
+_Spurr._ He said he wouldn't take it off till he saw me. And I never saw
+anyone in such a mess with ink and flour as he was!
+
+_Lady Cant._ Ink and flour, indeed! This rigmarole gets more ridiculous
+every moment! You can't seriously expect anyone here to believe it!
+
+    [ARCHIE _discreetly retires to the smoking-room._
+
+_Spurr._ Well, I rather think somebody must have fixed up a booby trap
+for _me_, you know, and he happened to go in first and get the benefit
+of it. And he was riled, very naturally, thinking _I_'d done it, but
+after we'd had a little talk together, he calmed down and said I might
+keep his clothes, which I thought uncommonly good-natured of him, you
+know. By the way, he gave me his card. Here it is, if your ladyship
+would like to see it.
+
+    [_He hands it to_ Lady CULVERIN.
+
+_Lady Culv._ "Mr. UNDERSHELL!" ... ROHESIA, that _is_ CLARION BLAIR! I
+_knew_ it was _something_ ending in "ell." (_To_ SPURRELL.) And you say
+Mr. UNDERSHELL is here--in this house?
+
+_Spurr._ Not now. He's gone by this time.
+
+_The Others_ (_in dismay_). Gone!
+
+_Spurr._ He said he was leaving at once. If he'd only told me how it
+was, I'd have----
+
+_Lady Cant._ I don't believe a single word of all this! If Mr. SPURRELL
+is not CLARION BLAIR, let him explain how he came to be coming down to
+Wyvern this afternoon!
+
+    [_Partial reaction in company._
+
+_Spurr._ If your ladyship doesn't really know, you had better ask Sir
+RUPERT; _he_'ll tell you it's all right.
+
+_Lady Cant._ Then perhaps _you_ will be good enough to enlighten us,
+RUPERT?
+
+_Sir Rup._ (_driven into a corner_). Why, 'pon my word, I'm bound to say
+that I'm just as much in the dark as anybody else, if it comes to that!
+
+_Spurr._ (_eagerly_). But you wired me to come, Sir! About a horse of
+yours! I've been wondering all the evening when you'd tell me I could go
+round and have a look at him. I'm here instead of Mr. SPAVIN--_now_ do
+you understand, Sir RUPERT? I'm the Vet.
+
+    [_Suppressed sensation._
+
+_Sir Rup._ (_to himself_). This is devilish awkward! Don't quite know
+what to do. (_Aloud._) To--to be sure you are! Of course! That's it,
+ROHESIA! Mr. SPURRELL came down to see a horse, and we shall be very
+glad to have the benefit of his opinion by-and-by.
+
+    [_He claps him amicably on the shoulder._
+
+_Lady Cant._ (_in a sepulchral tone_). ALBINIA, I think I will go to
+bed.
+
+    [_She withdraws._
+
+_Sir Rup._ (_to himself_). There'll be no harm in letting him stay, now
+he _is_ here. If ROHESIA objects, she's got nobody but herself to blame
+for it!
+
+_Spurr._ (_to himself_). They won't want to keep me upstairs much longer
+after this! (TREDWELL _enters, and seems to have something of importance
+to communicate to_ Sir RUPERT _in private._) I wonder what the dooce is
+up _now!_
+
+[Illustration: "Albinia, I think I will go to bed!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO LETTINA.
+
+(_By a Profound Thinker._)
+
+  I don't know why, but fifty times a day,
+    To you my thoughts persistently will fly,
+  You come to me, and, coming, come to stay--
+                    I don't know why.
+
+  Sometimes I catch myself inclined to try
+    From heart and mind to banish you away.
+  I always fail. If you are not too shy,
+    Just write a line to tell me that I may
+  Think fondly of you. Then in future I
+    Shall think of you, and never want to say
+                    I don't know why.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW CANDIDATE.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I trust you will give me the hospitality of your
+columns (and thus save me the cost of extensive advertising) to announce
+that I intend to offer myself as a candidate for all the eleven
+divisions at the forthcoming School Board Election. I do this for
+several reasons. In the first place, as I have no more chance in any one
+place more than in any other, I feel it quite impossible to make any
+choice. Besides, to be elected at the top of eleven polls would be an
+unique distinction, second only to being defeated at the bottom of
+eleven. In the next place, as I can find no other persons who will come
+forward on my platform, I am bound to offer myself everywhere. My views
+are extensive, not to say peculiar. On the religious question, I agree
+with everything that has been said by everybody. I hope in this way to
+avoid incurring _odium theologicum_ of any kind. I am in favour of no
+one paying rates unless he has children actually at a Board School. I am
+told that this will not secure for me the Labour Vote, but it ought, at
+any rate, to rally to my side all the "intelligent and respectable." On
+all other points I believe I am well fitted to sit on the London School
+Board. I understand that at its meetings oysters and Chablis are
+sometimes the order of the day. If I am returned, my main object, I avow
+it frankly, will be to make them the standing order. Soliciting the vote
+of every patriotic citizen, I am,
+
+  Yours up-to-(being-a-candi-)date,
+
+  _October 27._
+
+  WOTTOL ARK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HE'S HAPPY NOW."
+
+["A CONSTANT READER'S" favourite craze is now being discussed in all the
+papers.]
+
+"I AM SO GLAD THIS SUBJECT IS BEING THOROUGHLY VENTILATED. IT MUST BE
+DOING SO MUCH GOOD AMONG THE YOUNG."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MAY_E_NNAISE _v._ MAY_O_NNAISE: A REJOINDER.
+
+  My poor Mayonnaise, they have sullied your fame!
+    They would alter your spelling, my sweet Mayonnaise.
+  The younger DUMAS has _e-mended_ your name
+    And sent you forth "o"-less the rest of your days.
+
+  So this man of romances--this writer of plays--
+    Who has woven full many a plot in his time--
+  Would force us to spell you henceforth May_e_nnaise.
+    Nay! _this_ is a plot little short of a crime!
+
+  'Twill make not an atom of diff'rence to me.
+    The younger DUMAS may discourse as he will;
+  He's welcome, with _Weller_, to "spell with a 'wee'"--
+    To me and the world you are May_o_nnaise still.
+
+  He says, at the time when the city Mayenne
+    Was besieged by an army and riddled with shot,
+  Your charms were acknowledged and praised by the men.
+    _Was that army not led by Sir Thomas de Rot?_
+
+  Say, Queen of the Sauces, which vow'l shall it be?
+  Will you yield up the name your admirers bestow?
+  Pronounce--while your lover is down on _an "E"_--
+  Is it that which you choose? Is it yes? or _a "NO"?_
+
+       *       *       *
+
+    This correspondence must now cease.--ED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHERE IS HE?"--With diamond robberies and darksome murders, of which
+the perpetrators are still at large, we are all crying out for a real
+genuine "SHERLOCK HOLMES." We, WATSONS, are waiting for him to step
+forward and drag various dark mysteries into the light of day.
+Cheerfully shall the coming HOLMES be saluted with Mr. BROOKFIELD'S
+_refrain_, "O SHERLOCK, you wonderful man!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES.
+
+_Hostess._ "I HEARD YOU MET MY COUSIN, MAUD LESLIE, AT THE GIBSONS AT
+DINNER, MR. WILKINSON, AND THAT YOU WERE CHARMED WITH HER!"
+
+_Mr. Wilkinson._ "CHARMED WITH HER? I SHOULD THINK SO! WHO _WOULDN'T_
+BE? WHY, I'VE ABSOLUTELY FORGOTTEN WHO THE LADY WAS I TOOK INTO DINNER,
+AND WHO SAT ON MY OTHER SIDE!"
+
+_Lady Visitor._ "I'M AFRAID IT HAPPENED TO BE _ME_, MR. WILKINSON!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"AN AWKWARD CUSTOMER."
+
+AIR--"_The Bold Poacher._"
+
+  When I was bound by Party ties to play the bold Premier,
+  I shouldered of my gun, my lads, and started void of fear;
+  With my trusty lurcher at my heels, to whom the sport is dear,
+  For he's game for fight by day or night at the season of the year!
+
+  As I and my bold comrade were after bird or hare,
+  The gamekeeper was watching us; for him we did not care.
+  For we were on our ground, my boys, grounds free to tyke or peer;
+  And they're my delight by day or night at the season of the year!
+
+  As I and my bold comrade were in the Peers' Preserve,
+  We heard the keeper's footsteps, but we did not halt or swerve.
+  But I whistled--to keep up my pluck--a song to sportsmen dear:
+  "Oh it's my delight on a shiny night, in the season of the year!"
+
+  The Gamekeeper popped through the copse, and faced us with a frown;
+  He's got a black-a-vised stern phiz, and a coat o' velvet brown.
+  He says "Hillo, Sir! _Poaching?_" I retorts, "Oh, don't _you_ fear!
+  A gent may poach his own preserves at the season of the year!"
+
+  He says, "You ought to be ashamed to set so bad example
+  A sportsman true won't join the crew who trespass, trap, and trample.
+  A dirty bird fouls its own nest!" he adds, with a sour sneer.
+  "Swells should not poach by day or night in the season of the year."
+
+  Says I, "You sneer, but I'm your peer, my Sol. The people sent me!
+  Stare like an owl, or sneer and scowl, you know you can't prevent me!
+  These here Preserves want breaking up, Monopoly's pitch to queer
+  Is our delight by day or night, in the season of the year.
+
+  "A-poaching on one's own preserves scarce poaching seems at all.
+  My foot is on my native--copse! The old Game Laws must fall.
+  The 'Peers' Preserves' the people will throw open--or else clear,
+  And you'll have to fight for your old old right at the season of the
+      year.
+
+  "You ask me if I like the job? That's neither here nor there!
+  I'm simply bound to do it, and I really don't much care.
+  If Peers will claim the best o' the game, and strive the rest to
+      queer,
+  We'll take _our_ right, by day or night, at the season of the year!"
+
+[Illustration: "AN AWKWARD CUSTOMER."
+
+GAMEKEEPER S-L-SB-R-Y. "HALLO! YOUNG FELLOW! POACHING?"
+
+THE "YOUNG FELLOW" R-S-B-RY. "IF I _AM_ POACHING, I'M ON MY OWN
+PRESERVES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOCAL COLOUR.
+
+Mr. ASQUITH was reported the other day to have said that the Government
+was spoken of as having been accused of refusing so-called amendments to
+the Employers' Liability Bill in "_peacock_ temper." The _Daily News_,
+in referring to this, suggests that "peacock temper" was a misprint for
+"pique, or temper." But surely this is not so. Mr. ASQUITH evidently has
+given in his adhesion to the new system of "colour adjectives." This
+opens great possibilities to the future. Radicals will denounce the
+"scarlet scandals of the purple-clad peers." Tories will wax eloquent on
+"the pink miasma of revolutionary Radicalism." No one will know what it
+all means, but that is part of the programme. Even if this colour scheme
+will not work, there is still a justification for the Asquithian phrase.
+Everybody has heard of a "foul slander." Why not a "peacock temper"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Case of Parallelism.
+
+(_Extracts from the Report of a recent Conference._)
+
+"Dr. STANLEY BOYD advocated the use of milk and lentil soup."
+
+"Mrs. STANLEY BOYD thought that all such novels as _The Heavenly Twins_,
+_The Manxman_, and _The Wages of Sin_, should be tabooed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIR PETER.--A well-written letter in the _Times_ last week puts what
+maybe called "The Hard Case of Sir PETER EDLIN"--and, indeed, he
+must be pretty well case-hardened at the Middlesex Sessions by this
+time--clearly and forcibly before the public. Sir PETER EDLIN, it seems,
+has been doing treble the amount of work for a two-third's salary. This
+should be righted, and the Judge at the Middlesex Sessions should be
+independent of the would-be ubiquitous L. C. C. Such is the opinion of
+this Correspondent to the _Times_, and it is doubtless the opinion of a
+fair and just majority. As _Joseph Surface_ observes in _The School for
+Scandal_, "Well, it will give SIR PETER great satisfaction to hear
+_this_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONLY NATURAL.--A shareholder at a recent company meeting complained,
+with some amount of feeling, that he found it next to impossible to
+obtain a "good penny bun." Can it be that so many people have "taken the
+bun" that there are none left?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LINKS.
+
+  'Tis a brilliant autumn day,
+  And the breeze has blown away
+  All the clouds that lowered gray,
+              So methinks,
+  As I've half an hour to spare,
+  I will go and take the air,
+  While the weather still is fair,
+              On the Links.
+
+  I admire the splendid view,
+  The delicious azure hue
+  Of the ocean and--when, _whew!_
+              With a crack,
+  Lo! there drops a little ball
+  Which elects to break its fall
+  By alighting on the small
+              Of my back.
+
+  In the distance some one cries
+  Some remark about my eyes,
+  None too pleasant, I surmise,
+              From the tone;
+  So away my steps I turn
+  Till a figure I discern,
+  Who is mouching by the burn
+              All alone.
+
+  He has lost a new "Eclipse,"
+  And a little word that slips
+  Front his sulky-looking lips
+              Tells me true
+  That, besides the missing ball,
+  Which is gone beyond recall,
+  He has lost--what's worst of all--
+              Temper too.
+
+  I conclude it will be best
+  If I leave him unaddressed,
+  Such a melancholy quest
+              To pursue;
+  And I pass to where I spy
+  Clouds of sand uprising high
+  Till they all but hide the sky
+              From the view.
+
+  They proceed, I understand,
+  From a bunker full of sand,
+  Where a golfer, club in hand,
+              Freely swears
+  As he hacks with all his might,
+  Till his countenance is quite
+  As vermilion as the bright
+              Coat he wears.
+
+  I observe him for a while
+  With a highly-tickled smile,
+  For it is the queerest style
+              Ever seen:
+  He is very short and stout,
+  And he knocks the ball about,
+  But he never gets it out
+              On the green.
+
+  Still I watch him chop and hack,
+  Till I hear a sudden crack,
+  And the club-head makes a track
+              In the light--
+  There' s a startled cry of "FORE!"
+  As it flies, and all is o'er!--
+  I remember nothing more
+              Till to-night,
+
+  When I find myself in bed
+  With a lump upon my head
+  Like a penny loaf of bread;
+              And methinks,
+  For the future I'll take care,
+  When I want a little air,
+  That I won't go anywhere
+              Near the Links.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE.
+
+THE STORK AS HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DILEMMA OF THE HEADLESS SPECTRE.
+
+  I've always done my best to please,
+    Then wherefore do they scoff?
+  A headless ghost, in days like these,
+    Is very badly off.
+
+  Some say, for MYERS we ought to go,
+    And some for Mr. STEAD.
+  I really can't profess to know,
+    For I have lost my head.
+
+  They come and ask me for a key
+    To life's dark prison cell.
+  Oh, what's the use of asking _me?_
+    However can _I_ tell?
+
+  I do not understand the speech
+    Of all these learned men.
+  Wildly I wave my hand at each,
+    Again and yet again.
+
+  I feel that I have stayed too late,
+    And yet I can't move on.
+  I'm utterly inadequate,
+    Because my head is gone.
+
+  I wish I were I don't know what,
+    I wish that I were dead.
+  _I don't know if I am or not_,
+    For I have lost my head!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INS AND OUTS.
+
+"Cricket was a far superior game to golf or tennis," said Lord KNUTSFORD
+to the members of the Victoria Park Cricket Association; and he went on
+to tell a story of the first introduction of cricket to Tonga, one of
+the Pacific Islands. Everybody took up the game so heartily that State
+affairs were allowed to slide altogether, and at last the King of TONGA
+had to lay down rules as to the times when the game might be indulged
+in. "Even then the Prime Minister was with difficulty prevented from
+bowling during forbidden hours." For Tonga read Westminster--where a
+good deal of _tongue_--ah!--goes on--and we get a result something like
+this:--
+
+"After the usual luncheon interval, the Leader of the Opposition and the
+ex-Umpire-General faced the delivery of the First Commissioner of Stumps
+and the Scorin' Secretary. The punishment inflicted by the former on the
+bowling led to a Cabinet crisis, ending in the Secretary of State
+resigning his office and the leather to the Lord High Wicket-keep. The
+result of this change was soon apparent, for the Leader of the
+Opposition was clean bowled by a quotation from _Hansard_, and his place
+was taken by a prominent member from below the Opposition Gangway.
+
+"As the score still mounted, the Ministry decided to apply the Closure
+to the game, an effort which was resisted by the whole force of the
+Opposition, armed with pads and wickets. During the all-night innings
+which ensued the Prime Minister retired hurt, and the Ministry were
+finally driven into the Pavilion, where they expressed a decided
+intention, in consequence of the underhand bowling of their opponents,
+of at once appealing to the country. The Committee of Lords' has placed
+its veto on these disorderly proceedings, and 'Down with the Lords' is
+likely to be the Ministerial rallying-cry during the forthcoming
+Election."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITERARY DISCOVERY.--It has been hitherto thought that only two "G. O.
+M.'s" existed, the one, _par excellence_, being _The_ G. O. M., and the
+other, the Right Hon. G. O. MORGAN. But there _is_ a third, and he is
+GE-O M(EREDITH). No more at present.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TITLE FOR A TEMPERANCE TALE.--Under
+the Red Nose!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DAY OF SMALL THINGS.
+
+  No novels now, but novelettes;
+  Cigars give place to cigarettes.
+  Titanic "suns" to twinkling "stars,"
+  Pictures to sketches, "pomes" to "pars";
+  Bonnets to things like housemaids' caps,
+  Banquets to tit-bits, books to scraps,
+  And three-vol novels to "short stories."
+  Gibbon-like length and epic glories,
+  Like mammoths and cave-bears, are gone,
+  Earth brings not back the mastodon;
+  The microbe takes its place. They kill us
+  Not by a giant, but bacillus.
+  Monsters, huge dragons, Laidly Worms,
+  We fear no more, 'tis unseen "germs"
+  That floor us in our life's full pride.
+  We want a "Jack the Germicide,"
+  And not the Giant Killer now.
+  Behemoth and the big bow-wow
+  Are gone; for aught not smart and little
+  We do not care one jot or tittle!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAMILIAR LATIN QUOTATION (_adapted for the use of Empire, Alhambra, and
+Music Halls generally_).--"_Spectaculum veniunt_; _venit inspector_;
+_out tipsy_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IMPROVEMENTS IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.
+
+II.--IMPROVED KITCHEN ARRANGEMENTS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEAUTIES OF BOLOGNA.
+
+  Not those, along the route prescribed
+    To see them in a hurry,
+  Church, palace, gallery, described
+    By worthy Mr. MURRAY.
+
+  Nor those detailed as well by whom
+    But BAEDEKER, the German;
+  The choir, the nave, the font, the tomb,
+    The pulpit for the sermon.
+
+  No tourist traps which tire you out,
+    A never-ending worry;
+  Most interesting things, no doubt,
+    Described by Mr. MURRAY.
+
+  Nor yet, O gastronomic mind--
+    In cookery a boss, sage
+  In recipes--you will not find,
+    I mean Bologna sausage.
+
+  Not beauties, which, perhaps, you class
+    With your own special curry;
+  Not beauties, which we must not pass
+    If led by Mr. MURRAY.
+
+  I sing--alas, how very ill!--
+    Those beauties of the city,
+  The praise of whose dark eyes might fill
+    A much more worthy ditty.
+
+  O, Ladies of Bologna, who
+    The coldest heart might flurry,
+  I much prefer to study you
+    Than BAEDEKER or MURRAY!
+
+  Those guide-book sights no longer please;
+    Three hours still, _tre ore_,
+  I have to lounge and look at these
+    _Bellissime signore_.
+
+  Then slow express--South Western goes
+    Much faster into Surrey--
+  Will take me off to other shows
+    Described by Mr. MURRAY.
+
+  But still, _Signore_, there will be,
+    By your sweet faces smitten,
+  One Englishman who came to see
+    What BAEDEKER has written.
+
+  Let BAEDEKER then see the lot
+    In frantic hurry-scurry.
+  I've found some beauties which are not
+    Described by Mr. MURRAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CLIO AT SALCOMBE.
+
+(_Funeral of James Anthony Froude._)
+
+  Scarce Clio's self, calm-soul'd historic Muse,
+  Praise to her fiery votary may refuse,
+  Though lacking somewhat the judicial poise
+  Of clear mind unperturbed by faction's noise,
+  And creed's fanatic clamour, valued most
+  But her who heads the grave recording host.
+  His vivid pictures live; his virile touch
+  (Though oft of the too little or too much
+  Ardently heedless in his passionate flow
+  Of words that wake and thoughts that warmly glow),
+  Quickens the past, and moves the patriot heart
+  Of British manhood. His the stylist's part,
+  The partisan's impressiveness. He missed
+  The highest height, clear, cloudless, morning-kissed.
+  But long will he be dear to those who love
+  The picturings that charm, the words that move;
+  And the grave Muse may well let fall a tear,
+  And lay her tribute laurel on his bier.
+
+NEAT AND APPROPRIATE.--To the PROWLINA PRYS and their allies, the
+Visiting Injustices, may be addressed the ancient charge made against
+certain spies, "Nay, but to see the nakedness of the land have ye come."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SKETCH AT PADDINGTON.
+
+THE REVEREND MOTLEY, WHO MAKES ONE OF A RIVER-PARTY, FANCIES HE MET A
+GLANCE OF RECOGNITION FROM THE EYE OF HIS SOMEWHAT AUSTERE BISHOP, AND
+FEELS A TRIFLE UNCOMFORTABLE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PAT THE PATRIOT.
+
+(_His reflection after reading of the Boa-bolting incident at the Zoo._)
+
+  ST. PATRICK had a potent fist,
+    And was a saint right clever,
+  When he gave the snakes and toads a twist
+    And bothered them for ever.
+  But och! here's a betther plan than PAT'S!
+    'Twould have saved the saint much bother
+  Had he trated the snakes like Kilkenny cats,
+    And made them swallow each other.
+  And even now 'twould save much row
+    In the shplit-up Oirish Parthy,
+  Could MCCARTHY'S "bolt" end REDMOND'S revolt,
+    Or REDMOND swallow MCCARTHY!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPORTING.--'ARRY is delighted to hear that there is a two-year-old
+running named '_Arriet_. "It's spelt Ariette I know," he says, "but
+that's just French cussedness."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A WOULD-BE DESPOT.
+
+  "Could I but rule!" with emphasis you say;
+  Then, doubtless, evil would be swept away.
+  How to begin, of course, is your affair,
+  Such practical arrangements are your care;
+  Our task would be no more than to obey!
+
+  Injustice then would speedily decay,
+  Merit, and only merit, then would pay;
+  Which means, perhaps, I'd be a millionaire
+               Could I but rule!
+
+  Well, many kings have lived and reigned their day;
+  I rather doubt if your despotic sway
+  Would quite fulfil the objects of your prayer;
+  Many have tried, and ended in despair,
+  And you, perhaps--But still you answer "Nay,
+               Could _I_ but rule!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE REAL "SUN OF YORK."--FRANK LOCKWOOD, Solicitor-General.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ART OF NAVAL PLATITUDE.
+
+MR. PUNCH,--Dear Sir,--As an able-bodied seaman and expert on the marine
+serpent and other such questions of the hour, I have been very properly
+asked for my opinion on the late collisions in the far East. Lest my
+utterances should be misrepresented by journals unaccustomed to deal
+with refinements of maritime phraseology, I send you a correct report of
+my interview.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"What deduction," began the reporter from the recesses of a deck-chair
+that had figured at Trafalgar, "do you make with regard to the future of
+naval warfare from the engagements of which we have lately read such
+distracting accounts?"
+
+"My leading deduction," I replied, "is that it is difficult beforehand
+to conjecture which side is going to win, and impossible afterwards to
+discover which has actually won. History, however, and a long course of
+technical experience, alike convince me that, given equal courage and
+skill on both sides, vessels equally well equipped and armoured and of
+precisely similar shape, tonnage, and fighting power, victory may be
+expected, in many cases out of a few more, to fall to the party that is
+_numerically the stronger of the two_. You are, perhaps, with me on this
+point?"
+
+"I confess," he replied, "that you throw for me a new and lurid light on
+a question always difficult for the lay mind to grapple with. But tell
+me of the torpedo and its mission."
+
+"The deadliness," I said, "of this modern weapon of naval warfare is to
+be fully appreciated by such alone as have been its unhappy victims. In
+the incredibly short space of time between the moment of impact
+and the decease of those who are, as an immediate result, blown to
+indistinguishable atoms, no reliable evidence has, in the nature of
+things, been taken down from the lips of the people best qualified to
+submit it.
+
+"Disconnected fragments of speech, chiefly of a profane character,
+constitute the sole testimony upon which we have to base our
+conclusions. But we may safely affirm that one of the most, if not _the_
+most, important detail in the manipulation of this projectile is the
+aim. Wrongly directed it is comparatively innocuous. In the unavoidable
+hurry and confusion of the moment, when the attention of the operator is
+diverted by the reiterated play of missiles upon his person, possibly a
+prey at the very time to insufferable nausea, it is almost impossible to
+guarantee the missile from aberration. You will pardon my
+technicalities?"
+
+"I thank you," he replied, "and I follow you. But in what way do you
+account for the success of the Japanese with these submarine weapons?"
+
+"Peruse the reports," I answered, "and draw your own deductions. '_On
+the morning of the 18th_' (the morrow of the battle) '_the Japanese
+flotilla of torpedo-boats returned to the Yalu and leisurely destroyed
+with torpedoes several stranded Chinese vessels_.'
+
+"Here we have the best conceivable endorsement of my views. That which
+in the excitement of the fray they were impotent to achieve, this, with
+fitting leisure, unhampered by the annoyance of hostile opposition, and
+with the object rigidly fixed, as in a vice, they effected with
+unqualified and unquestioned success."
+
+Dazzled by my reflections he proceeded to put a fresh conundrum to me.
+"What say you," he asked, "to the resources of China? I see that the
+Dowager Empress has sent three millions of taels to the forces."
+
+"The tael," I explained, "is excellent eating. I perceive no immediate
+reason for the evacuation of Peking as far as the supply of game is
+concerned. This, however, is a side issue, and not strictly nautical in
+its bearing.
+
+"To proceed at once, and in conclusion, to the matter of our own naval
+supremacy" (for I saw this inevitable question already framed on his
+lips), "I will give you in a word the accumulated wisdom of long years
+of naval intuition. My motto is '_Always win!_'
+
+"Once let the enemy, however inferior, win, and for the time being you
+are beaten. We are--and here I rely not only on my own observation, but
+on the testimony of countless myriads of my species--_we are an
+insular nation_. Further, _our commerce is largely dependent on our
+merchandise_. It was not till I had realised to the full these two
+momentous and crucial facts that I arrived at the conclusion which I
+have already imparted to you, and now venture to repeat--'_Always win!_'
+You bear me out, I imagine?"
+
+"I bear myself," he affably replied; thus concluding an interview in the
+course of which there had been no manner of hitch except the usual
+nautical one at the moment of his coming aboard; and that was due not to
+the absence of braces, but to respect for my position as an Admiralty
+Crichton.
+
+There, _Mr. Punch_, you are welcome to make any use you will of a
+statement that contains practically and tactically the final word on the
+future of naval warfare.
+
+  _Crede_, dear Sir,
+
+  Yours unusually
+
+  EXPERTO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW DEPARTURE.
+
+In pursuance of a recent correspondence in the _Times_, it has been
+decided to safeguard the rights and legalise the _status_ of
+interviewees by the formation of an influential association. _Mr. Punch_
+has been accorded an advance proof of the prospectus.
+
+SOCIETY FOR THE PROTECTION OF HELPLESS AND DESERVING INTERVIEWEES.
+
+(_Founded Oct. 24, 1894._)
+
+Chief Offices: Utopia. Operating Room and Infirmary: Harrow Weald.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+COUNCIL.
+
+The MIKADO (President); Sir JOSEPH PORTER, K. C. B. (Vice-President);
+BARNABY BAMPTON BOO, Esq., of the _Bab Ballads_; BORRIA BUNGALEE BOO,
+ditto, King; Mrs. BOO; REGINALD BUNTHORNE, Esq., Fleshly Poet; The Lord
+Bishop of RUMTI-FOO; Sir EDWARD CORCORAN, K.C.B., Capt. R.N.; Lord MOUNT
+ARARAT; Lord TOLLOLLER; POOH BAH, Esq., of the Japan Society; Mdlles.
+PEEP-BO, PITTI SING, and YUMYUM, of the Savoy Theatre.
+
+Solicitors: Messrs. KOKO & CO. Jester: Mr. JACK POINT.
+
+Jailor and Chucker-out: Mr. WILL SHADBOLT.
+
+OBJECTS OF THE SOCIETY.
+
+(1.) To develop the new calling of Professional Interviewee. (2.) To
+provide the newspaper-reading public with amusement. (3.) To supply
+eminent humorists and others with enjoyable, rational, and profitable
+employment. (4.) And, incidentally, to encourage retiring and diffident
+lady interviewers.
+
+RULES.
+
+1. That all persons shall be eligible for membership of the Society,
+with the following exceptions:--Infants in arms; Their Descendants and
+other Relatives within the Prohibited Degrees; Parties who are balmy on
+the Crumpet,; H. M.'s guests at Portland, Newgate, and Broadmoor; JABEZ;
+Persons who have written a book; Persons who haven't; Mrs. PROWLINA PRY;
+also all the pragmatic and prudish nonentities who have pranced in
+prurient print over the unsavoury question lately discussed _ad nauseam_
+in the columns of the _D. T._
+
+2. That if the interview be conducted by one of the male sex, the
+Society's chucker-out, jester, and solicitors shall always be present.
+
+3. That the following scale of fees, payable by the Interviewer to the
+Interviewee, be adopted:--
+
+                                                       £  _s. d._
+  Mere Nobody                                            0  0  2
+  Nobody Else                                            0  2  6
+  Mr. WH-STL-R, over a recent Grievance                  0  6  8
+  Minister, of Cabinet Rank                              1  1  0
+  Gaiety Girl, of the Front Rank                         1  1  1
+  Cabman, of any Rank                                    1  1  2
+  Mr. ARTHUR ROBERTS, on Things in General               2  2  0
+  Ditto, on the Empire Question                          3  3  0
+  Any leading Burglar, Pickpocket, or Company Promoter,
+     with discount for cash                              4  4  0
+  Pugilist, including services of Policeman and Surgeon  5  5  0
+  G. O. M., if you can get at him                       10 10  0
+  Eminent Humorist, when irritated                      21  0  0
+  Ditto, if a Lady, and pretty (these are scarce)       50  0  0
+  Anybody who hasn't yet been Interviewed (these are
+      scarcer)                                         100  0  0
+
+4. That the Society be immediately dissolved, in view of pending
+litigation.
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Inconsistent spelling and hyphenation are as in the original.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+107, November 3, 1894, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43882 ***