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diff --git a/43437-0.txt b/43437-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..63a5b6a --- /dev/null +++ b/43437-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,18522 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43437 *** + +Transcriber's Note + +This version on the text cannot represent all the typographical features +of the original. Text which was printed in italic is indicated by '_' +delimiters as _italic_. Bold text is rendered using '=' as =bold=. The +'oe' ligature appears, in the word 'oeconomy' or 'oeconomist', both as +separate letters and in its ligature form. Here, all instances are +rendered using the separate 'oe'. + +The edition from which this text is derived contained a number of +printer's errors, based on a comparison with a contemporary edition. +These have been corrected. + +The more detailed note at the end of this text provides an account of +any changes made. + + + + + MEMOIRS OF + MISS SIDNEY + BIDULPH + + Extracted from + her own Journal, and now + first published + + FRANCES SHERIDAN + + + The Editor of the following sheets takes this opportunity of + paying the tribute due to exemplary Goodness and distinguished + Genius, when found united in One Person, by inscribing these + Memoirs to + + + THE AUTHOR + OF + CLARISSA + AND + Sir CHARLES GRANDISON + + + + + CONTENTS + + + =Volume I= (1) + + The Editor's Introduction (3) + Memoirs of Miss Sidney Bidulph (9) + The Journal (11) + + =Volume II= (141) + + =Volume III= (287) + + Cecilia's Narrative &c. being a Supplement to + Mrs. Arnold's Journal (423) + + + + + VOLUME I + + + + + THE EDITOR'S INTRODUCTION + + +I was invited to pass a month last summer in Buckinghamshire by a +friend, who paid annually a visit to his mother: a lady pretty far +advanced in years, but extremely chearful, sensible, and well-bred. + +She lived altogether in the country, in a good old fashioned house, +which was part of her jointure; and it was to this hospitable mansion he +carried me. + +The lady received me very politely, as her son's friend; and I have +great reason to be obliged to him for the introduction. + +My friend and I generally dedicated our evenings to the entertainment of +this obliging Lady. She loved reading, and was a woman of an excellent +taste; but as her years rendered that employment not so easy to her as +it had been, her son and myself usually spared her the task, and read to +her such authors as she chose for her entertainment; nor was she so +confined to particular studies, as not to allow us to vary our subjects +as inclination led us. + +It happened one evening, which was on the eve of the day appointed for +our departure, that we had made choice of the tragedy of Douglas for our +entertainment, when a neighbouring lady (a sensible woman) who had drank +tea with us, desired to make one of our auditors. + +After the tea-table was removed, we entered on our task; my friend and I +reading alternately, to relieve each other, that we might not injure the +performance by a wearied or flat delivery. + +Neither of the ladies had ever seen or read this play before; and both +gave that true testimony of nature to its merit, tears. + +When we had finished the reading of it, they each in her turn bestowed +high praises on it; but the visitor lady said, that notwithstanding the +pleasure it had afforded her upon the whole, she had one great +objection to it. We were all impatient to know what it was. I think said +she, that the moral which it inculcates is a discouraging lesson, +especially to youth; for the blooming hero of this story, though adorned +with the highest virtues of humanity, truth, modesty, gratitude, filial +piety, nobleness of mind, and valour in the most eminent degree, is not +only buried in obscurity, by a severe destiny, till he arrives at +manhood, but when he emerges into light, is suddenly cut off by an +untimely death, and that at a juncture too, when we might (morally +speaking) say his virtues _ought_ to have been rewarded. + +We each spoke our thoughts on the subject, as opinion led us, when the +old lady drew our attention, which she always does, whenever she +delivers her sentiments. + +I should think as you do, madam, said she, if there were not too many +melancholy precedents to give a sanction to the fable of that tragedy. I +do not say but that the poet, who is at liberty to dispose as he pleases +of the works of his own creation, may as well reward and punish +according to the measures of justice in this life; it might perhaps make +a better impression, and indeed afford a more prevalent example, to the +generality of young people. I say therefore, I do not take upon me to +defend an opposite conduct upon principles of poetic justice, but surely +the poet who prefers that course, may be justified in it from every +day's experience. If we always saw virtuous people successful in their +pursuits, and their days crowned with prosperity, there would be more +force in your objection; but the direct contrary is a truth, which every +body who has lived but a moderate number of years, must have been +convinced of from their own observation. Amongst heathens indeed, who +looked no farther than _this_ life for good and evil, and whose only +incitement to virtue was the praise of men, or what _they_ called glory, +such morals might be dangerous; but surely amongst us Christians they +_cannot_, at least _ought_ not to have any ill effect. + +On the contrary, I think it should serve to confirm that great lesson +which we are all taught indeed, but which we seldom think of reducing to +practice, _viz._ to use the good things of this life with that +indifference, which things that are neither permanent in their own +nature, nor of any estimation in the fight of God, deserve. + +On the other hand, to consider the evils which befall us, as equally +temporary, and no more dispensed by the great ruler of all things for +punishments, than the others are for rewards; and by thus estimating +both, to look forward for an equal distribution of justice, to that +place only, where (let our station be what it will) our lot is to be +unchangeable. It is in this light that I was instructed in my early days +to consider the various portions that fall to the share of mankind; +which very often, as far as we can see, appear extremely partial; and no +doubt would really be so, were there not an invisible world where the +distributions are just and equal. From this reflection I have drawn +comfort in many trying incidents of my life; but in none more than the +unhappy fate of a lady, who was my particular friend; and who, tho' a +woman of most exemplary virtue, was, thro' the course of her whole life, +persecuted by a variety of strange misfortunes. This lady, to use your +expression, madam (addressing her friend), to all human appearance, +_ought_ at last to have been rewarded even here--but her portion was +affliction. What then are we to conclude? but, that God does not +estimate things as we do. It is ignorant, as well as sinful, to arraign +his providence. We daily see its dispensations with our own eyes, in the +various accidents of life. Why should we not then allow the poet to copy +from life, and exhibit to our view events, the probability of which are +founded on general experience? + +We are indeed so much used to what they call poetical justice, that we +are disappointed in the catastrophe of a fable, if every body concerned +in it be not disposed of according to the sentence of that judge which +we have set up in our own breasts. + +The contrary we know happens in real life; let us not then condemn what +is drawn from real life.--We may wish to see nature copied from her more +pleasing works; but a martyr expiring in tortures, is as just, though +not as agreeable, a representation of her, as a hero rewarded with the +brightest honours. + +We agreed with the venerable lady in her observations; and her son +taking occasion from her mentioning that unfortunate person, who was her +friend, told her, he would take it as a particular favour, if she would +oblige me with the sight of that lady's story. + +She answered, that as we had fixed up the next day for our departure, +there would not be time for me to peruse it, but that she would entrust +me with it to take it to town, that I might read it at my leisure. It is +drawn up, said she, for the most part, by the lady herself, and the +occasion of its being so was this. She and I had been intimate from our +childhood; we were play-fellows when young, and constant companions as +we grew up. We always called each other sister, and loved as well as if +we had really borne that relationship to each other. It was our +continual practice from children to keep little journals of what daily +happened to us; these, in all our short absences, were matter of great +entertainment to us; we constantly communicated them when we met, or if +we chanced to be separated by any distance, we made a mutual exchange by +the post of our little diurnal registers, having made each a solemn +promise, not to conceal an incident, or even a thought, of the least +moment, from the other; and this promise I believe was religiously kept +up during a correspondence of many years. + +I had a brother about three years older than myself; a very promising +young man. He was an only son, and the darling of his parents: when he +had finished his studies, my father thought of sending him abroad, but +his fondness for him made him resolve to accompany him himself. + +A better tutor or a better guide he could not have found for him; my +father was then in the prime of life, he had no other children but him +and me. My mother, as fond of me as he was of his son, and perfectly +affectionate to my father, expressed her wish to let both her and me be +of his party. She said, she thought a young lady, under proper conduct, +might improve as much by seeing foreign courts, and the various customs +of different nations, as a young gentleman. + +I was then about sixteen: my father readily consented, as he perfectly +loved my mother; and we all four set out on our tour together. It was my +lot, after I had been some time abroad, to marry an English gentleman, +then resident at Vienna; this occasioned my continuing there some years, +and it was during that space of time that I had the occurrences of my +friend's life from her own hand. As she had kept up to the method we had +agreed on of communicating every thing that happened, even to trivial +matters, it generally encreased the bulk of the packets I used to +receive from her to a prodigious size: these she sent off occasionally, +at nearer or more distant periods of time, according as I gave her the +opportunity, by letting her know our motions. + +I have from those selected the most material parts of her history, and +connected them so as to make one continued narrative. + +There were long intervals of time between many of the most important +incidents of her life; but as the passages which intervened were either +foreign to the main scope of her story, or too trivial to be recorded, +in copying her papers they were omitted. + +I have myself prefixed to her story a very brief account of the lady's +family. + +Thus much, Sir, added the good lady, I thought necessary to premise to +you, for your better understanding her history, which I have never yet +shewn to any body but my son. + +When I took my leave, she put the manuscript into my hands, with a +charge to be careful of it. + +We returned to town, and in less than three weeks I had the +mortification to hear that this respectable old Lady, by whom I had been +entertained with so much friendship and politeness, was dead. Her son +(my friend) was on this occasion obliged to go down into +Buckinghamshire; it was some months before I saw him again, as he had a +good deal of family business to settle. + +When he came back to London, I offered to return him the manuscript, +which he had quite forgot. He told me, as he had all the original +papers, _that_ copy was at my service. + +I then expressed my wish that it were made public. To this he at first +objected, as he said there were several persons living, related to the +parties concerned in some of the principal events of the story, who +might take umbrage at it. I told him, that this might easily be +obviated, by changing the names both of persons and places, which I +would undertake to do throughout the whole; and I was afterwards so +urgent with him to comply with my request, that he at last yielded. With +his consent therefore I give it to the world, just as I received it, +without any alteration, excepting the proposed one of a change of +names. + + + + + MEMOIRS OF MISS SIDNEY BIDULPH + + +Mrs Catharine Sidney Bidulph, was the daughter of Sir Robert Bidulph of +Wiltshire. Her father died when she was very young; and of ten children +none survived him but this lady, and his eldest son, afterwards Sir +George Bidulph. The family estate was not very considerable; and Miss +Bidulph's portion was but four thousand pounds; a fortune however at +that time but quite contemptible: it was in the beginning of queen Ann's +reign. + +Lady Bidulph was a woman of plain sense, but exemplary piety; the +strictness of her notions (highly commendable in themselves) now and +then gave a tincture of severity to her actions, though she was ever +esteemed a truly good woman. + +She had educated her daughter, who was one of the greatest beauties of +her time, in the strictest principles of virtue; from which she never +deviated, through the course of an innocent, though unhappy life. + +Sir George Bidulph was nine or ten years older than his sister. He was a +man of a good understanding, moral as to his general conduct, but void +of any of those refined sentiments, which constitute what is called +_delicacy_. Pride is sometimes accounted laudable; that which Sir George +possessed (for he had pride) was not of this kind. + +He was of a weakly constitution, and had been ordered by the physicians +to Spa for the recovery of a lingering disorder, which he had laboured +under for some time. It was just on his return to England that the busy +scene of his sister's life opened. An intimate friend of hers, of her +own sex, to whom she revealed all the secrets of her heart, happened at +this juncture to go abroad, and it was for her perusal only the +following journal was intended. That friend has carefully preserved it, +as she thinks it may serve for an example to prove, that neither +prudence, foresight, nor even the best disposition that the human heart +is capable of, are of themselves sufficient to defend us against the +inevitable ills that sometimes are allotted, even to the best. 'The race +is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong.' + + + + + THE JOURNAL + + + _April 2, 1703_ + +My dear and ever-beloved Cecilia is now on her way to Harwich. How +insipid will this task of recording all the little incidents of the day +now appear to me, when you, my sister, friend of my heart, are no longer +near me? how many tedious months will it be before I again embrace you? +how many days of impatience must I suffer before I can even hear from +you, or communicate to you the actions, the words, the thoughts of your +Sidney?--But let me not grow plaintive, the stile my friend hates--I +should be ungrateful (if I indulged it) to the best of mothers, who, to +gratify and amuse me on this first occasion of sorrow which I ever +experienced, has been induced to quit her beloved retirement, and come +on purpose to London, to rouze up my spirits, and, as she expresses +herself, to keep me from the sin of murmuring. + +Avaunt then complainings! Let me rest assured that my Cecilia is happy +in her pursuits, and let me resolve on making myself so in mind. + + + _April 3_ + +We have had a letter from my brother George; he is landed, and we expect +him hourly in town. As our house is large enough, I hope he will consent +to take up his quarters with us while we stay in London. My mother +intends to request it of him: she says it will be for the _reputation_ +of a gay young man to live in a _sober_ family. I know not how Sir +George may relish the proposal, as our hours are not likely to +correspond with those which I suppose he has been used to since he has +been absent from us. But perhaps he may not refuse the compliment; Sir +George is not averse to oeconomy.--How kind, how indulgent, is this +worthy Parent of mine! she will not suffer me to stay at home with her, +nay scarce allows me time for my journal. 'Sidney I won't have you stay +within; I won't have you write; I won't have you think--I will make a +rake of you; you shall go to the play to-night, and I am almost tempted +to go with you myself, though I have not been at one since your father's +death.'--These were her kind expressions to me just now.--I am indeed +indebted to her tenderness, when she relaxes so much of her usual +strictness, as even to _think_ of such a thing. + + + _April 5_ + +My brother returned to us this day, thank God! in perfect health. Never +was there such an alteration seen in a man; he is grown fat, and looks +quite robust. He dropped in upon us just as we sat down to dinner: what +a clutter has his arrival made! my mother was _so_ rejoyced, and _so_ +thankful, and _so_ full of praises, and asked _so_ many questions, that +George could hardly find words enough to answer the over-flowings of her +kind inquisitiveness, which lasted all dinner-time. + +When the cloth was removed, my mother proposed his taking up his abode +with us: you see, said she, your sister and I have got here into a large +house; there is full room enough in it for you and your servants; and as +I think in such a town as this it will be a reputable place for you to +live in, I shall be glad of your company; provided you do not encroach +upon my rules by unreasonable hours, or receiving visits from such as I +may not approve of for the acquaintance of your sister. I was afraid Sir +George would disrelish the terms, as perhaps some of his acquaintance +(though far from faulty ones) might fall within my mother's predicament: +but I was mistaken, he accepted of the invitation, after making some +slight apologies about the inconvenience of having so many servants: +this however was soon got over. + +To say the truth, I am very glad that my brother has consented to be our +guest, as I hope by his means our circle of acquaintance will be a good +deal enlarged. There is no pleasure in society, without a proper mixture +of well-bred sensible people of both sexes, and I have hitherto been +chiefly confined to those of my own. + +I asked Sir George jocosely, what he had brought me home? He answered, +perhaps a good husband.--My mother catched up the word--What do you +mean, Son? I mean, madam, that there is come over with me a gentleman, +with whom I became acquainted in Germany, who, of all the men I ever +knew, I should wish to have for a brother. If Sidney should fortunately +be born under the influence of _uncommonly_ good stars, it may happen to +be brought about. I can tell you (applying himself to me) he is +prepossessed in your favour already; I have shewn him some of your +letters, and he thinks you a good sensible girl. I told him you were +very well in your person, and that you have had an excellent education. +I hope so, said my mother, looking pleased; and what have you to tell us +of this wonderful man that so much surpasses every body? Why, madam for +_your_ part of his character, he is the best _behaved_ young man I ever +saw. I never knew any body equal to him for sobriety, nor so intirely +free from all the other vices of youth: as I lived in the same house +with him for some months, I had frequent opportunities of making my +observations. I have known him to _avoid_ many irregularities, but never +saw him guilty of _one_. + +An admirable character indeed said my mother. So thought I too; but I +wanted to know a little more of him. Now Sidney for your share in the +description; I must tell you he is most exquisitely handsome, and +extremely sensible. + +Good sense to be sure is requisite, said my mother, but as for beauty it +is but a fading flower at best, and in a man not at all necessary--A man +is not the worse for it, however, cried my brother--No--my mother +answered, provided it does not make him vain, and too fond of the +admiration of giddy girls--That I will be sworn is not the case of my +friend, answered Sir George, I believe no body with such a person as his +(if there _can_ be such another) would be so little vain of it; nay, I +have heard him declare, that even in a woman he would give the +preference to sense and virtue. + +Good young man! cried my mother, I should like to be acquainted with +him. (So should I, whispered I to my own heart). + +Well brother, said I, you have drawn a good picture; but to make it +complete, you must throw in generosity, valour, sweetness of temper, and +a great deal of money--Fie my dear (said my good _literal_ parent) a +_great deal_ is not necessary; a very moderate fortune with _such_ a man +is sufficient. + +The good qualities you require in the finishing of my piece, answered my +brother, he possesses in an eminent degree--will that satisfy you? As +for his fortune--_there_ perhaps a difficulty may step in--What estate +madam (to my mother) do you think my sister's fortune may intitle her +to? + +Dear brother, I cried, pray do not speak in that _bargaining_ way. + +My mother answered him very gravely, Your father you know left her but +four thousand pounds; it is in my power to add a _little_ to it, if she +marries to please me. Great matters we have no right to expect; but a +_very_ good girl, as my daughter is, I think, deserves something more +than a bare equivalent. The equality, said my brother, (with a demure +look) I fear is out of all proportion here, for the gentleman I speak of +has but--six thousand pounds a year. + +He burst out a laughing; it was not good-natured, and I was vexed at his +joke. My poor mother dropped her countenance; I looked silly, as if I +had been disappointed, but I said nothing. + +Then he is above our reach, Sidney, answered my mother. + +I made no reply--Have a good heart Sid, cried my brother; if my +nonpareil likes you, when he sees you, (I felt myself hurt, and grow +red) and without a compliment sister (seeing me look mortified) I think +he will, fortune will be no objection. I have already told him the +utmost extent of your expectations; he would hardly let me mention the +subject; he has a mind for _my_ sister, and if he finds her personal +accomplishments answer a brother's (perhaps partial) description, it +will be your own fault if you have not the prettiest fellow in England +for your husband. + +My mother reassumed her pleased countenance. Where is he? let us see +him? I forced a smile, though I did not feel myself quite satisfied--We +parted on the road, my brother answered; he is gone to Bath, for a few +weeks; he has sent his servants and his baggage to town before him, and +has commissioned me to take a house for him in St. James's Square, or +some of the adjacent streets; so that we shall have him in our +neighbourhood. + +My mother enquired on what account he went to Bath. Sir George said, he +complained of a weakness in one of his wrists, which was the consequence +of a fever that had seized him on his journey, in their return to +England. It seems he had finished his travels, on which he had been +absent near five years, when my brother and he met in Germany. The +liking he took to Sir George protracted his stay, and he resolved not to +quit him while his health obliged him to continue abroad; they took a +trip to Paris together, and returned home by Holland. + +The name of this piece of perfection is Faulkland, Orlando Faulkland. +What a pretty name Orlando is! My mother says it is romantic, and +wonders how _sober_ people can give their children such names. + +Now am I dying with curiosity to see this man. A few weeks at Bath--what +business he had to go to Bath till he had first settled his household at +London? His wrist might have grown well without the pump. I am afraid he +is gone to Bath only to shew himself, and that he will be snapped up +before he comes to town. I wish Sir George had kept the account of him +to himself, till he returned to London again. + + + _April 7_ + +We have settled Sir George's oeconomy within doors: my mother has been +very busy all day in fixing trunks, portmanteaus, and boxes, in their +proper places; and in appropriating the rooms for his men, which she has +taken care shall be as remote from those of our servants as the house +will admit. She says, she knows our own domestics to be orderly and +regular, but she cannot answer for what other people's may be. + +I begin to recover my spirits: my brother's arrival has given new life +to the family; my mother thinks, that in _his_ company, with a lady or +two, there will be no impropriety in suffering me to go, at least, half +a dozen times into public during the season, even without the sanction +of her presence--How kind, how considerate is this dear mother! I find +this was one (amongst others) of her principal reasons for wishing Sir +George to be with us, as it will save her from the necessity of going to +public diversions, which otherwise she would have done, rather than have +me debarred the pleasure of partaking of them, through the want of a +proper protector. Every day lays me under fresh obligations to her. + + + _April 20_ + +My brother has had another letter from Mr Faulkland. He has been but a +fortnight at Bath, and already has found benefit from the use of the +pump; I wish his wrist was quite well; I never was so impatient to see +any body--But, Sidney, have a care--this heart has never yet been +touch'd: this man is represented as a dangerous object. What an an +ill-fated Girl should I be, if I should fall in love with him, and he +should happen not to like me? Should _happen_, what a vain expression +was that? I would not for the world any one should see it but my +Cecilia.--Well, if he should not like me, what then? why, I will not +like him. I have a heart, not very susceptible of what we young women +call love; and in all likelihood I shall be as indifferent to him, as he +may be to me--Indeed I think I ought to resolve on not liking him; for +notwithstanding those fine out-lines of a character, which my brother +gave of him in the presence of my mother, I have since drawn out of Sir +George, who is always talking of him, some farther particulars, which do +not please me so well; for I think he is made up of contrarieties. + +Nature, says Sir George, never formed a temper so gentle, so humane, so +benevolent as his; yet, when provoked, no tempest is more furious. You +would imagine him so humble, that he thinks every one superior to +himself; yet through this disguise have I discovered, at certain times, +a pride which makes him look down on all mankind. With a disposition +formed to relish, and a heart attached to the domestic pleasures of +life, he is of so enterprising a temper, that dangers and difficulties +rather encourage than dishearten him in the pursuit of a favourite +point. His ideas of love, honour, generosity, and gratitude, are so +refined, that no hero in romance ever went beyond him; of this I was +convinced from many little incidents which occurred in the course of my +acquaintance with him. The modesty and affability of his deportment +makes every body fancy, when he is in company with them, that he is +delighted with their conversation; nay, he often affects to be improved +and informed; yet there is a sly turn to ridicule in him, which, though +without the least tincture of ill-nature, makes him see and represent +things in a light, the very opposite of that in which you fansied he saw +them. With the nicest discernment, where he permits his judgment alone +to determine, let passion interfere, and a child can impose on him. +Though as I have already told you he is very handsome, he affects to +despise beauty in his own sex; yet is it easy to perceive, by the nice +care he takes in his dress (though the farthest in the world from a +fop), that he does not altogether disregard it in his own person. + +Are not these faults? yes, surely they are; yet Sir George protests he +has none; or at least says, if these be such, they are so overbalanced +by his good qualities, that unless it be _you_ sister (flattering +creature! though that is seldom his failing) I don't know the woman that +deserves him. I did not thank him for the compliment he paid me, at the +expense of the rest of our poor sex. + + + _May 5_ + +A month is past since my brother arrived, and Mr Faulkland does not yet +talk of coming to town--If Sir George had drawn half such a flattering +picture of me to him, as he has done of him to me, his curiosity would +have brought him here sooner.--My mother has mentioned him several +times, and asked when he is to be in town? My brother has taken a very +handsome house for him in the Square. We are all in expectation of this +blazing star's making its appearance in London. If he stays much longer, +my patience will be so tired, that I shall not give a pinch of snuff to +see him. + + + _May 19_ + +Six weeks, and no news of Mr Faulkland's coming! I'll positively give +him but another week; I begin to think myself affronted by his stay. + + + _May 23_ + +Now, now, my Cecilia, I can gratify your curiosity at full: he is come +at last; Mr Faulkland, I mean; Orlando is come! we had a message from +him this morning, to enquire after all our healths; he was just arrived +at his house in the Square: Sir George flew to him directly, and said he +would bring him without ceremony to take a family dinner. My mother bid +him do so; and she held a quarter of an hour's conference with her cook. +She is always elegant and exact at her table; but we were more than +ordinarily so to-day. My brother brought Mr Faulkland a little before +dinner-time, and presented him to my mother and me, with that kind of +freedom that almost look'd as if he were already one of the family. + +We had both been prepossessed highly in favour of his figure, a +circumstance that seldom is of advantage to persons on their first +appearance: but here it had not that effect: Sir George did not overrate +the personal accomplishments of his friend. Now you'll expect I should +describe him to you, perhaps, and paint this romantic hero in the +glowing colours of romantic exageration. But I'll disappoint you--and +tell you, that he is neither like an Adonis nor an Apollo--that he has +no hyacinthine curls flowing down his back; no eyes like suns, whose +brightness and majesty strike the beholders dumb; nor, in short, no rays +of divinity about him; yet he is the handsomest mortal man that I ever +saw.--I will not say that his voice is harmony itself, and that all the +loves and graces (for why should not there be male as well as female +graces?) attend on his motions; that Minerva presides over his lips, and +every feature has its attendant Cupid--But I will acknowlege that his +voice in speaking is inexpressibly pleasing (you know how I admire an +agreeable voice); that his air and motions are easy, genteel, and +graceful; his conversation sensible and polite, and without the least +tincture of affection, that thing, which of all others, would to _me_ +destroy the charms of an angel.--In short, without hyperbole, that he +is, what every one must allow, a perfectly handsome and accomplished +young man. + +I never saw my mother appear so pleased with any one. The polite freedom +of his address, the attention and deference he seemed to pay to her +sentiments (and the dear good woman talked more to him, I think, than +ever I heard her do to any one on so short an acquaintance), delighted +her beyond expression. I bore no great part in the conversation, but was +not, however, quite overlooked by Mr Faulkland. He referred to me in +discourse now and then, and seemed pleased with me; at least I fancy'd +so. My brother endeavoured to draw me out, as he said afterwards. The +intention was kind, but poor Sir George is not delicate enough in those +matters; I should have done better if he had let me alone. I thought of +the conversations we had so often had about Mr Faulkland, and could not +help considering myself like a piece of goods that was to be shewn to +the best advantage to the purchaser. This reflection threw a sort of +constraint over my behaviour, that (fool as I was) I had not courage +enough to shake off, and I did not acquit myself at all to my own mind. +I had, notwithstanding, the good fortune to please my mother infinitely. +She told me, after our visitor was gone, that my behaviour had been +_strictly_ proper; and blamed Sir George for his wanting to engage me +too often in conversation. You may assure yourself, son, she said, that +a man of Mr Faulkland's understanding will not like a young lady the +worse for her silence. She spoke enough to shew that it was not for want +of knowing what to say that she held her tongue. The man who does not +reckon a modest reserve amongst the chief recommendations of a woman, +should be no husband for Sidney. I am sure, when I married Sir Robert, +he had never heard me speak twenty sentences. Sir George agreed with her +as to the propriety of her observation, in regard to a modest reserve; +but said, people now a-days did not carry their ideas of it quite so far +as they did when his father's courtship began with her; and added, that +a young lady might _speak_ with as much modesty as she could hold her +tongue. + +I did not interfere in the debate, only said, I was very glad to have +my mother's approbation of my conduct. This put an end to the argument, +and my mother launched out into high encomiums on Mr Faulkland. She +said, upon her _truth_, he was the finest young man she ever saw, in +every respect. So modest, so well bred, so very entertaining, and so +unassuming, with all his fine accomplishments: She was quite astonished, +and owned she almost despaired of finding a young gentleman, of the +present mode of education, so _very_ unexceptionable in his behaviour. +If his morals answered to his outward deportment--there she stopped; or +rather Sir George interrupted her. I hope you'll believe madam, that my +knowlege of mankind is not so circumscribed, but that I can distinguish +between a real and an assumed character; and I will venture to assert, +that, in the whole circle of my acquaintance, I do not know _one_ so +unobjectionable, even in your strict sense of the word _morals_, as Mr +Faulkland. + +Well, said my mother, I have the pleasure to observe to you (and I think +I am seldom mistaken in my judgment), that Mr Faulkland is at least as +well pleased with Sidney as we are with him--What say you daughter? Ay, +what _say_ you sister? cry'd Sir George--I think madam, that Mr +Faulkland is an accomplished gentleman, and--'and that you could be +content to look no farther, if matters are brought to bear; eh, Sidney?' +(I need not tell you whose speech this was)--Brother, that is going a +little too far, for the first time of my seeing him. A great _deal_ too +far, my mother said; let us first know Mr Faulkland's mind from himself, +before we say a word more of the matter. + +Sir George told us, that Mr Faulkland, at going away, had requested he +would sup with him at his own house, as he said he had a few visits of +form to pay, and should be at home early in the evening. + + + _May 24_ + +My mother and I were in bed before my brother came in last night, though +he keeps very good hours in general. When we met this morning at +breakfast, I saw by Sir George's face that he was brimful of +something--Faulkland don't like you, Sidney, said he, abruptly--How can +you or I help that, brother? cry'd I, colouring; tho', to tell you the +truth, I did not believe him; for I knew, if it _had_ been so, he would +not have come out with it so bluntly. But my mother, who always takes +every word she hears literally, took him up very short; 'If he does not, +Sir, it is not polite in you to tell your sister so; I hope Sidney may +be _liked_ by as good a man as Mr Faulkland,' and up she tossed her dear +honest head. Sir George burst out a laughing. My mother looked angry; +she was afraid her sagacity would be call'd in question, after what she +had pronounced the evening before. I looked silly, but pretended to +smile. Sir George was clown enough to laugh on; at last (to my mother) +'But my dear madam, can you believe me serious in what I said? have you +so good an opinion of my veracity, or so ill a one of my breeding, as to +suppose I would shock my sister by such a rude declaration, if I meant +any thing by it but a joke?' Indeed, Sidney, (looking half smiling to +me) I would not be as much in love with our sovereign lady the queen, as +poor Faulkland is with you, for my whole estate. + +This put me a great deal more out of countenance than what he had said +at first. Nay, brother, now you are too extravagant the other way--My +mother looked surprized, but recovered her good humour presently--Dear +George, there is no knowing when you are in earnest and when not: but, +as Sidney says, now you are rather too extravagant. You might say so to +Faulkland, answered my brother, if you were to hear him; I could get +nothing from him the whole night but your praises. I thought, said my +pleased mother, he had not _disliked_ the girl--Now you see, son, her +_silence_ did her no harm; and she smiled tenderly at me. Come, said Sir +George, things are mighty well on all sides. Faulkland has begged of me, +that I would use my interest with you, mother (whom he thinks one of the +best of women), that he may be permitted in form to make his addresses +to Miss Bidulph. _My_ interest he knows he has, and I hope, madam, it +will have your approbation--He desired me to explain minutely to you +every circumstance of his fortune: what his estate is I have told you; +and his family is of known distinction. He begged I would not _mention_ +Sidney's fortune; and said, that if, upon a farther acquaintance, he +should have the happiness to be acceptable to my sister, he should +insist upon leaving the appointment of her settlement to lady Bidulph +and myself. I told him I would lay this proposal before you, and could +for his present comfort inform him, that, as I believed my sister had no +prepossessions in favour of any one else, I was sure, if he met with +your concurrence, her's would follow of course. + +A very discreet answer, said my mother; just such a one as I would have +dictated to you, if I had been at your elbow. I believe we may venture +to suppose, that Mrs Sidney _has_ no prepossessions; and as this is as +handsome an offer as can possibly be made, I have no objections (if you +have none, my dear) to admit Mr Faulkland upon the terms he proposes. + +What answer ought I to have made, Cecilia? Why, to be sure, just the one +I _did_ make--I have _no_ prepossessions, madam, looking down and +blushing, till it actually pained me, for I was really startled. My +Cecilia knows I am not a prude. + +My dear! cry'd my mother, and took me by the hand-- + +Poor Sidney, said Sir George, how you are to be pitied! Mr Faulkland +purposes waiting on you in the afternoon, if he is not _forbid_; and he +looked so teazingly sly, that my mother bid him leave off his _pranks_. + +The day is ever--Mr Faulkland spent the evening with us; no other +company but our own family. My mother likes him better even than +before--Thy _mother_--disingenuous girl! why dost thou not speak thy +_own_ sentiments! (There is an apostrophe for thy use, my Cecilia). Well +then, _my_ sentiments you shall have; you have an undoubted right to +know them on all subjects, but particularly on this interesting one. + +I _do_ think Mr Faulkland the most amiable of men; and if my heart were +(happily for me it is not) _very_ susceptible of tender impressions, I +really believe I should in time be absolutely in love with him. This +confession will not satisfy you: may be it is not enough--yet, in truth, +Cecilia, it is all that at present I can afford you. + +The thoughts of the aukward figure I should make in the evening visit, +sat heavy on my spirits all day.--Can you conceive any thing more +distressing than the situation of a poor girl, receiving the visit of a +man, who, for the first time, comes professedly as her admirer? I had +conceived a frightful idea of such an interview, having formed my +notions of it only from romances, where set speeches of an ell long are +made by the lover, and answers of a proportionable size are returned in +form by the lady. But Mr Faulkland soon delivered me from my anxiety. +His easy, but incomparably polite and sensible freedom of address, +quickly made me lose my ridiculous fears.--He made no other use of this +visit, than to recommend himself more strongly to our esteem, by such +means as proved how well he deserved it. If he was particular to me, +either in his looks or manner, it was under the regulation of such a +nice decorum, that I (who supposed I must have sunk with downright +confusion) was hardly disconcerted during the whole visit. + + + _June 10_ + +I do really think my good mother grows so fond of Mr Faulkland, that if +he goes on at this rate, he will get the start even of Sir George in her +affections--'Mr _Faulkland_ said so and so; Mr _Faulkland_ is of +opinion; and I am sure you will allow Mr _Faulkland_ to be a good judge +of such and such things.' + +To say the truth, the man improves upon you every hour you know him. And +yet I have discovered in him some of those little (and they are _but_ +little) alloys to his many good qualities, which Sir George at first +told me of. The interest I may one day have in him makes me a closer +observer than I should otherwise be. There _is_ that sly turn to +ridicule which my brother mentioned; yet, to do him justice, he never +employs it, but where it is deserved; and then too with so much vivacity +and good humour, that one cannot be angry with him. + +We had a good deal of company at dinner with us to day; amongst the +rest, young Sayers, who is just returned from his travels, as _he_ calls +it. You remember he went away a good humoured, inoffensive, quiet fool; +he has brought no one ingredient of that character back with him but the +last; for such a stiff, conceited, overbearing, talkative, impertinent +coxcomb, does not now exist. His mother, who, poor woman, you know +originally made a simpleton of the boy, contributes now all in her power +to finish the sop; and she carries him about with her everywhere for a +show. We were assembled in the drawing room before dinner: in _burst_ +(for it was not a common entry) Master Sayers, and his mamma, the cub +handing in the old lady--_So_ stiff, and _so_ aukward, and _so_ +ungraceful, and so _very_ unlike Mr Faulkland, that I pitied the poor +thing, who thought that every body would admire him as much as his +mother did. After he had been presented to the ladies (for it was the +first time we had seen him since he came home), he took a turn or two +about the room, to exhibit his person: then applying himself to a +picture which hung over the door (a fine landscape of Claude Lorrain, +which Mr Faulkland himself had brought over and given to Sir George), he +asked my brother, in a tone scarce articulate, whether we had any +_painters_ in England? My mother, who by chance heard him, and by +greater chance understood him, answered, before Sir George had time, +_Painters_, Sir! yes, sure, and some very good ones too; why, you cannot +have forgot _that_; it is not much above a year since you went +abroad, (for you must know he had been recalled upon the death of +an uncle, who had left him his estate). I observed Mr Faulkland +constrained a very fly laugh, on account both of the _manner_ of my +mother's taking his question, and her innocently-undesigned reprimand. +Sayers pretended not to hear her, but looking through his fingers, as if +to throw the picture into perspective, that is a pretty good piece, said +he, for a copy. Oh! cry'd his mother, there is no pleasing _you_--people +who have been _abroad_ are such connoisseurs in painting--No body making +any immediate answer, Mr Faulkland stepped up to Mr Sayers, with such a +roguish humility in his countenance, that you would have sworn he was a +very ignoramus, said, 'Are you of opinion, Sir, that that picture is +nothing but a copy?' Nothing more, take my word for it, Sir: When _I_ +was at Rome, there was a Dutchman there who made it his business to take +copies _of_ copies, which he dispersed, and had people to sell for him +in different parts, as pretty good prices; and they did mighty well; for +very few people _know_ a picture; and I'll answer for it there are not +many masters of eminence, but what have a hundred originals palmed upon +them, more than ever they painted in their lives. + +Mr Faulkland then proceeded to ask him abundance of questions, which any +one, who did not know him well, would have thought he proposed for no +other end but a desire of information; and the poor coxcomb Sayers +plumed himself upon displaying so much travelled knowlege, to a +wondering ignorant Englishman, who had never been out of his own +country. The company were divided into little chattering parties, as is +usual when people are whiling away an half hour before dinner. Mrs. +Sayers, my mother, and I, were sitting together on a couch, near enough +to hear the conversation that passed between the two gentlemen; at least +as much as was not sunk in the affected, half-pronounced sentences of Mr +Sayers. His mother, to whom he was the principal object of attention in +the company, seemed mightily pleased at the opportunity her son had, +from the inquisitiveness of Mr Faulkland (whom she did not know) of +shewing his taste in the polite arts, and often looked about to observe +if any body else attended to them. My mother, dear literal woman! (as I +often call her to you) took every thing seriously, and whispered to me, +how pretty that is, Sidney! how condescending in Mr Faulkland! you see +he does not make a parade of his _own_ knowledge in these matters, but +is pleased to reap the benefit of other people's. I, who saw the latent +roguery, could hardly contain myself. Indeed I was amazed at Mr +Faulkland's grave inquisitive face, and was very glad my mother did not +find him out. + +Sayers, elated with having shone so conspicuously (for he observed that +both my mother and I attended to his discourse) proceeded to shew away +with an immensity of vanity and frothy chat, beginning every new piece +of history with, 'When _I_ was at Rome, or, when _I_ was at Paris'--At +last, unluckily for him, speaking of an incident (which made a good deal +of noise, and happened at the first-mentioned place) in which two +English gentlemen had been concerned, he said it was about eleven months +ago, just before he left Rome. My mother, who had heard Mr Faulkland +relate the same story, but with some very different circumstances, +immediately said, Mr Faulkland, have I not heard you speak of that? you +were at Rome yourself when the affair happened; and if I be not +mistaken, it was through your interest with the cardinal of ---- that +the business was made up. + +If a spectre had appeared to poor Sayers, he could not have looked more +aghast. He dropped his visage half-way down his breast, and for the +_first_ time speaking very _plain_, and very loud too, with a share of +astonishment, Have _you_ been at _Rome_, Sir? I was there for a little +time, Sir, answered Mr Faulkland, with real modesty; for he pitied the +mortified buzzard; and I know the story was _represented_ as you have +told it; the circumstances differed in a few particulars, but the facts +were nearly as you have related them. + +How obligingly did he reconcile the out-of-countenance Sayers to himself +and to the company? Were you long abroad, pray Sir, said the coxcomb? +About five years, Sir, answered Mr Faulkland; but I perceive, by the +conversation I have had the honour of holding with you to-day, that many +accurate and curious observations escaped me, which you made in a much +shorter space of time; for the communication of which I think myself +extremely obliged to you. Whether the poor soul thought him serious (as +my mother did) I cannot tell; he made him a bow, however, for the +compliment; but was so lowered, that he did not say a word more of Rome +or Paris for the rest of the day: and in this we had a double advantage; +for as he had nothing else to talk of, his mouth was effectually +stopped, except when Mr Faulkland, out of compassion, asked him (as he +often did) such questions as he thought he could answer, without +exposing his ignorance: for he was contented to have enjoyed it in their +tête à tête, and was far from wishing the company to be witnesses of it. + +I think such a bagatelle may give you some idea of this man's turn. I +told it to Sir George; he laughed heartily, and said it was _so_ like +him! My brother loves even his faults, though he will not allow me to +call them by that name. + + + _July 4_ + +You are unkind, Cecilia, and do not do justice to my sincerity, when you +say, _you are sure I am in love with Mr Faulkland_. If I were, can you +conceive it possible that I would deny it to you? Ah! my sister, must I +suspect _you_ of wanting candour by your making a charge of disingenuity +against your friend? Indeed, Cecilia, if I _am_ in love with him, I do +not _yet_ know it myself. I will repeat it to you, I think him the most +amiable of men, and should certainly give him the preference, if I were +left to a free choice, over all the rest of his sex; at least all that I +have ever yet seen; though possibly there _may_ be handsomer, wiser, +better men, but they have not fallen within my observation. I am not +however so prepossessed in his favour, as to suppose him a phoenix; and +if any unforeseen event were to prevent my being his, I am sure I should +bear it, and behave very handsomely. + +And yet perhaps this may be only bragging like a coward, because I think +a very short time will put it out of the power of fortune to divide us. +Yet certain as the event of our marriage appears to me at present, I +still endeavour to keep a sort of guard over my wishes, and will not, +give my heart leave to center _all_ its happiness in him; and therefore +I cannot rank myself amongst the first-rate lovers, who have neither +eyes, nor ears, nor sensations, but for one object. _This_, Mr Faulkland +says, is his case, in regard to me. But I think we women should not love +at such a rate, till _duty_ makes the passion a virtue; and till _that_ +becomes my case, I am so much a philosopher in love that I am determined +not to let it absorbe any of the other cordial affections, which I owe +to my relations and my friends. + +I think we ought always to form some laws to ourselves for the +regulation of our conduct: without this, what an impertinent dream must +the life be of almost every young person of our sex? You, my dear, +though with an uncommon understanding of your own, have always been +intirely conducted by your wise parents; and in this I make it my boast +to have followed your example. I have been accustomed from my infancy to +pay an implicit obedience to the best of mothers; the conforming to this +never yet cost me an uneasy minute, and I am sure never will. + + + _July 5_ + +A little incident happened to-day, which pleased my mother wonderfully. +She had been at morning prayers (as you know is her daily custom); when +returning home in her chair, one of the men happened to flip his foot, +and fell down just before Mr Faulkland's house. He was so much hurt, +that he could go no farther; and the footman immediately opening the +chair, told her she had better step into Mr Faulkland's, till he called +another, or got a man to assist in carrying her home. One of Mr +Faulkland's servants happened to be standing at the door; so that, +without any previous notice, she was immediately conducted into a +parlour, where Mr Faulkland was sitting at breakfast. She found with him +two pretty little children at his knee, to one of whom he had given some +cake; and the elder of the two, a boy of about five years old, he was +gravely lecturing, though with great gentleness, for having told a lye. +My mother asked him, with some surprise, whose children those were? He +smiled, and told her they were his coachman's; and then ordered the +footman to carry them down, bidding the little boy be sure to remember +what he had said to him. + +My mother enquired, if he permitted them to be in the house? He said, he +did; and had been induced to do it from the distress he had seen their +poor father in, a few days before. He is an honest careful fellow, +continued Mr Faulkland, and has lived in my family from a boy. He was +married to a good sort of a body, who took great care of these children, +and helped to maintain them decently by her work. The poor woman died in +childbed last week; and the person who attended her in her illness (for +she had no servant) took that opportunity of robbing the lodgings; and +after plundering the poor creature of every thing that was worth +carrying away, locked up those two children, which you saw with me, and +the new-born infant, with the corpse of their mother. + +The poor little wretches continued in that dismal situation all night, +having cried themselves to sleep, without being heard, though there were +some other people in the house. The morning following I happened to make +an early visit in the neighbourhood of this distressed little family, +and my coachman, who was a very affectionate husband and father, took +that opportunity of calling on his wife whom he had not been able to see +for three days. The cries of his children (now awake and almost starved) +obliged him hastily to break open the room door, where the poor fellow +was shocked with the dismal spectacle of his wife lying breathless in +her bed, the infant almost expiring at her side, and the other two poor +little famished creatures calling to their dead mother for bread. + +The sight almost deprived the man of his senses. He snatched up his two +eldest children in his arms, and ran raving to the house where I was; +tearing his hair like a madman. He told me his mournful story; with +which I was so affected, that I ordered one of my footmen to carry the +two children home to my house directly, and desired their father to look +out for some body to take care of the young one, which he soon did. + +The honest poor fellow was delighted, when he came home, to find his two +children well and merry; for they were sensible of no want but their +food. But his grief returned on him with great violence at the thoughts +of his being obliged to put them into the hands of people, who, he said, +he was sure would not be so kind to them as their own poor mother had +been; and my man told me he did nothing but kiss them, and cry over them +the whole day. To make his mind easy at once, I let him know they should +remain here under his own eye, till they were old enough to be put to +school; and accordingly directed my housekeeper to see that they were +taken care of; which has made their father very happy. + +The little rogues have found their way up to me, and I love some times +to hear them prattle; but this morning the eldest having told me a lye +of his brother, I was checking him for it when you came in. + +My mother was so pleased with Mr Faulkland's conduct in his little +history, that she repeated it to me word for word as soon as she came +home, and concluded with observing, how _good a creature_ Mr Faulkland +must be, who in so tender a manner interested himself in his poor +servant's misfortune. Most young gentlemen, said she, would have thought +they had done enough in giving the servant money to have provided for +his children how he could: it is in such trifles as these that we often +discover the excellence of the heart. + +You will suppose, my dear, that I am not displeased at any circumstance +that can raise Mr Faulkland's character in my pious mother's esteem. I +heard the story with great pleasure; but not making any comments on it, +Sir George (who was present at the relation), said, Well, Sidney, you +are either very affected, or the greatest stoic in the world; why, any +other girl would be in raptures at such a proof of the honest tenderness +of that heart which she knows she possesses intirely, and on which the +whole of her future happiness depends. I am very sensible of Mr +Faulkland's worth, brother, I replied, and I can feel without being +transported. I will be hanged, said Sir George, if I think you love +Faulkland, at least not half as well as he deserves; and I dare swear +you have not been honest enough to tell him yet whether you do or not. +It is time enough for that, I replied; if Mr Faulkland and I should be +married, I hope I shall give him no cause to complain of my want of +affection. + +_If_ you marry, said my brother! I know of no possible _ifs_, unless +they are of your own making. I know of none neither, answered my mother; +yet I think Sidney is in the right to be doubtful about all human +events. Many things, added she gravely (for she has a great veneration +for old sayings), fall out between the cup and the lip. + +I think, mother, said Sir George, bluntly, _you_ were disappointed in +your _first_ love; I have heard you speak of it, but I forget the +circumstances. As I had never heard my mother make any mention of this +particular, I begged she would oblige me with relating it. + +When I was about one-and-twenty, daughter, said she, a match was +concluded by my father between me and a very fine gentleman. I loved +him, and (as I suppose all young women do in the like circumstances) +believed myself equally beloved by him. The courtship had been of a +year's standing; for you must know I was not very easily won. Every +thing was settled, and the day appointed for our marriage arrived; when, +instead of the bridegroom, whom we every minute expected, there came a +letter from him directed to me. The contents were, that having formerly +been engaged to a young lady by the most solemn vows, he had, +unfortunately for them both, forgot them all on seeing me, and had broke +through every obligation divine and human to obtain me. He intreated +mine, and my family's pardon, in the most pathetic manner, for having +engaged our esteem so far as to consent to an union, of which he found +himself unworthy, and which it was impossible for him to accomplish; +for, said he, the wrongs I have done the woman, whose youth I seduced, +rise to my imagination with so much horror, that, for the empire of the +world, I would not complete my guilt, by devoting that hand to another, +to which she only has a right. He enlarged greatly on the sufferings of +his heart, in the struggle between his love for me, and his duty to the +person who had his first vows; and whom, he declared, his infidelity had +almost brought to the grave. He claimed my pity, both on his own and her +account; and repeatedly intreated my forgiveness of his fault. + +The whole letter, which was very long, was so expressive of a mind +overwhelmed with despair, that I was exceedingly shocked at the reading +of it. What could I say? The plea he offered for his seemingly strange +conduct, was too just to admit of any objections. I own the +disappointment afflicted me, but I bore it with a becoming resolution. +My family were at first exceedingly exasperated against my doubly +unfaithful lover; but, upon enquiring into the facts, they found the +truth to be as he had represented it. The conclusion was, that, upon the +very day on which he was to have been married to me, and on which he had +writ me that gloomy letter, he was seized with a melancholy, with +increasing on him daily, soon after ended in absolute madness, and he +was obliged to be confined for the remainder for his life. The young +lady lived but a short time after the melancholy fate of her lover, and +died, as it was said, of a broken heart. + +It was a great comfort to me to reflect that my fate disposed otherwise +of me than to this unhappy gentleman; for I am very sure, had these +fatal events happened in consequence of my marriage with him, that I +should never have survived it. + +This extraordinary anecdote of my mother's life, which I had never had a +hint of before (for she could not speak of it without great emotion), +very much affected me. Sir George said, the story was more tragical than +he had apprehended, and told my mother, _that_ was an accident which +fell out between the cup and the lip, with a vengeance. + +My mother continued thoughtful for a good while; and I was sorry that +the memory of this melancholy story had been revived; but Sir George +talked and laughed us both in spirits again. + + + _July 6_ + +This Mr Faulkland is a princely man; he has sent me _such_ a set of +jewels! My mother says they are too fine for a private gentlewoman; but +George tells her they are not a bit too fine for Mr Faulkland's _wife_, +and only suitable to his fortune. You know I have but few of my own, +those only which were my mother's when she was a maiden. The greatest +part of her's, and by much the finest, were presented to her by my +father; but those she reserves for Sir George, against the time of his +marriage, as a present for his lady; for they are family jewels. + + + _July 8_ + +My probation is over, my Cecilia.--The formidable question has been put +to me, and I have answered it--Ay marry, say you, but how? In the +_negative_, to be sure, my dear--No, no, my Cecilia; a valuable (psha! +what an affected cold word that is), a lovely and most worthy man, with +six thousand pounds a year, is a prize that a country girl must not +expect to draw every day. Mr Faulkland, in _lover-like_ phrase, demanded +from me the time of his destined happiness: I referred him to my mother. +She, good and delicate as she is, referred him back to Sir George. +George blurted out some sudden day that startled us both, when Mr +Faulkland reported it to us. I stammered out something; my mother +hesitated; Sir George came in, and blundered at us all; so I think we +compounded for the time, and amongst us fixed upon this day month--And +full soon enough, says my Cecilia: you have known the man but about six +weeks, and surely a month is as little time as you can take, in +preparing fineries. True, my girl, true; but it is all George's doings. +Indeed, my Cecilia, without affectation, I had much rather have had a +longer day; though I think I _know_ the man as well in those six weeks, +as if I had been acquainted with him so many years; for he has spent +most of his hours with us every day during that time; and my mother says +he is one of those in _whom there is no guile_. + +Sir George is downright insolent; he declares I am not sensible of my +own happiness, and that I deserve to be married to some little petty +Wiltshire 'squire. He so piques himself upon making this match, there is +no bearing him. He has taken all matters of settlement upon himself, and +insists on my mother's not interposing. She acquiesces, but charges my +brother not to let Mr Faulkland's generosity carry him too far, and bids +him remember what is due to his friend, as well as to his sister. + + + _July 10_ + +I really begin to be hurried. My mother, you know, is exactly +punctilious in every thing. Such a quantity of things _are_ bought, and +such a quantity to _be_ bought, that there is no end of journies into +the city. Then milaners and mantua-makers!--One would think I was going +to pass the remainder of my life in a remote country, where there were +no kind of manufactures or artificers to be come at, and that I was to +provide cloathing for half a century. + + + _July 12_ + +I have much upon my hands, and Sir George is so impatient, and +troublesome, that I believe I must employ an amanuensis, to give you a +minute detail of all our foppery; for I shall not have patience to do it +myself. + + + _July 17_ + +Sir George has often told me, that he knows of no fault Mr Faulkland +has, but a violence of temper when provoked. I saw an instance of it +to-day, which I was sorry for, and the more so, as I was in some measure +accessary to it. Mr Faulkland, my brother, a lady of our acquaintance, +and myself, took a ride in Hide-Park this morning. We were to dine at +Kensington (where my mother was to meet us), at the house of the lady (a +relation of Mr Faulkland's), who was with us. + +We rode into the stable-yard of her house, in order to alight. My horse, +which happened to be a young one that Sir George had newly bought, saw +some object that made him shy of advancing, and he turned suddenly +about. A footman of Mr Faulkland's, who chanced to stand just behind me, +very imprudently, though I am sure with design of harm, gave him a +stroke with his whip, which made the animal plunge and throw me, as I +had not time to recover my seat from the first short turn he made. I +luckily received not the least hurt, and was on my feet in an instant. +But Mr Faulkland, who had leaped off his horse even before I fell, was +so enraged at the fellow, that he gave him two or three sound lashes +with his whip across the shoulders, which fell on him as quick as +lightning. I am inclined to think the servant was not sober; for he had +the insolence to lay hold of his master's whip, and muttered an oath or +two. Mr Faulkland's attention being quickly turned to me, he took no +farther notice of the man. We went into the house; and after I had +assured them all I was not in the least hurt, I begged of Mr Faulkland +to forgive the footman, who had undesignedly caused the accident. He +made a thousand apologies, for having let his anger so far transport +him, as to chastise his servant in a manner he was not used to do; but +the peril he put you into, madam, addressing himself to me, made me +forget myself. I repeated, I hope, Sir, you have forgiven him. I wish, +my dear Miss Bidulph, said he, that the fellow were guilty of no other +fault but this, that I might shew you my readiness to obey you; but he +is such an intolerable sot, that there is no keeping him with safety. I +have forgiven him several idle things; but as I had determined to part +with him before this happened, I hope you will be so good as not to +insist on my retaining him. I could not intercede for the foolish fellow +after this: so said no more. + +This little incident convinces me that Mr Faulkland is of too warm a +temper; yet I am not alarmed at the discovery; you know I am the very +reverse; and I hope in time, by gentle methods, in some measure to +subdue it in Mr Faulkland. His own good sense and good nature must +incline him to wish it corrected. My brother says, he has often lamented +this vice of his nature to him, and said he had taken infinite pains to +get the better of it; and had so far succeeded, that he seldom was +surprized by it, but on very sudden and extraordinary occasions; such +as, I suppose, he looked upon this to be, which I have related. + +We passed the day delightfully at Kensington, and did not return to town +till late. I think I have got cold, as we walked a long time in the +gardens. + + + _July 13_ + +I have got an ugly sore throat; my mother insists on my being let blood; +I am afraid of alarming her by complaining, though I had very little +rest all night. Mr Faulkland came early this morning to enquire after my +health: my mother told him I was not well. How tenderly dejected were +his looks, when I came into the room. Sir George made him stay to +breakfast; he scarce tasted any thing; he was quite cast down. My +brother rallied him (I thought it unreasonable) on the chance he had the +day before of losing his wife. Mr Faulkland answered, I wish I had +followed the first motion of my thoughts, and discharged that wicked +fellow a month ago. Sir George said, as it happened, there had been no +harm done; but he thought Mr Faulkland would do well to dismiss such an +insolent rogue from his service. He has saved me that trouble, said Mr +Faulkland, he has dismissed himself; but took care to first to rob me. +To rob you! we all repeated in the same breath. Yes, said Mr Faulkland: +I told him, after I got home, that he was to deliver up such things as +he had in his charge to my own man, as I meant to discharge him in the +morning. He made me no reply, for he was a sullen fellow; but when the +family were asleep, he contrived to pick the lock of a bureau in my +dressing room, where I sometimes keep money. I believe what induced him +to it was, his having seen me yesterday morning, when I was going to +ride (a precaution which I generally use), put my pocket book into this +place, and I suppose he concluded there were bank notes in it, for he +took _that_ (I presume without staying to examine it) and all the money +he could find besides, and very cleverly made his escape out of a back +window, which was found open this morning. + +My mother lectured Mr Faulkland a little, for suffering a servant, +whose fidelity he was not sure of, to see where he deposited his money; +which, she said, might prove a temptation to one, who was _not_ so ill +inclined as this man. Mr Faulkland acknowleged it was careless in him; +but said, in his justification, he had been accustomed to very honest +people about him, which rendered him less suspicious. + +He appeared so anxious and unhappy about my indisposition, that I +affected to make as light of it as possible; though indeed I find myself +very much out of order. With what a kind sorrow did he observe my looks; +sighs now and then stole from him, as his eyes were fixed on my face. I +am obliged to him, yet I think I should be as much concerned for _him_, +if he were ill. + +Here is a whole cargo of silks and laces just sent in to me--Heigh-ho! I +can't look at them--I am not well--and I have such a gantlope to run of +visiting and racketting, that the thought makes me sicker. + + + _July 27_ + +After a fortnight's, a dreadful fortnight's intermission, I reassume my +pen. I have often told you, Cecilia, I was not born to be happy. Oh! I +prophesied when I said so, though I knew not why I said it. + +I will try to recollect all the circumstances of this miserable +interval, and relate them as well as I can. The last line in my journal +(which I have not yet ventured to send you, as your stay at Paris is so +uncertain) informs you that I was ill. I was let blood; but my disorder +increased, and I was in a high fever before next morning. I remember +what my reflections were, and am sure my apprehensions of death were not +on my _own_ account afflicting, but grievously so at the thoughts of +what those should feel whom I was to leave behind. + +My mother and Mr Faulkland, I believe, chiefly engaged my mind; but I +did not long continue capable of reflection. The violence of my disorder +deprived me of my senses on the fourth day, and they tell me I raved of +Mr Faulkland. I remember nothing, but that, in my intervals of reason, I +always saw my poor mother in tears by my bedside. I was in the utmost +danger, but it pleased God to restore me to the ardent prayers of my +dear parent. In about ten days I began to shew some symptoms of +amendment, and enquired how Mr Faulkland did. My mother answered, he is +well, my dear, and gone out of town, but I believe will return in a day +or two. Gone out of town, said I, and leave me dying! Indeed that was +not kind of Mr Faulkland, and I shall tell him so. My mother was sitting +on the bedside, and had hold of my hand; my brother was standing with +his back to the fire place. I observed they looked at one another, but +neither made me any answer. Pray, Sir George, I cried, would you serve +the woman so whom you were so near making your wife? My brother was +going to reply, but my mother frowned at him; he looked displeased, and +went out of the room. Dear madam, said I, there is something the matter +with Mr Faulkland; don't keep me in suspence. I _know_ there is +something, which you and my brother would conceal from me. Is Mr +Faulkland sick? Not that I know of, I assure you, answered my mother; he +was well yesterday, for we had a message from him to enquire after your +health, as we have had every day, for he is but at Richmond; and you +know if he were in town, he could receive no other satisfaction than +hearing from you, as you are too ill to admit of any visits. My mother +rang the bell immediately, and asked me to take something; I saw she +wanted to turn the conversation. My maid Ellen came into the room, and I +asked no more questions. + +My mother staid with me till it was time for her to go to rest; but +avoided mentioning Mr Faulkland's name, or giving me any opportunity of +doing it; for she tenderly conjured me to keep myself quite composed, +and not to talk. The doctor assured her this night that he thought me +out of danger; and she retired with looks of cordial delight. + +She was no sooner gone, than I called Ellen to my bedside, and charged +her to tell me all she knew concerning Mr Faulkland. The poor girl +looked concerned, and seemed to study for an answer. Lord bless me, +madam! what should I know of him more than my lady has told you? When +did you see him, said I? Not for several days, she answered. Where is +he? At Richmond, I heard Sir George say; but I suppose he will come to +town as soon as he hears you are well enough to receive him. I catched +hold of her hand; 'Ellen, I know there is something, relative to Mr +Faulkland, which you all want to hide from me; don't attempt to deceive +me; you may be sure, whatever it be, I must soon be informed of it; in +the mean while, my doubts make me very unhappy.' + +The good-natured girl's trouble and confusion increased as I spoke: My +dear madam, she replied, when you are better my lady will tell you all: +'No, no, Ellen, I must know it now; tell it me this minute, or you must +never expect to see me better under such uncertainty. What is the _all_, +the frightful _all_, that I am to be told? How you have shocked me with +that little word!' I know nothing, madam, answered Ellen, but what I +gathered from Sir George's loud angry talk with my lady; and I should be +undone if her ladyship were to know I mentioned it to you. I assured +her my mother should not know it. Why then, madam (speaking lower), I am +afraid that Mr Faulkland has misbehaved, or has been belied to my +lady--She stopped at this--How? how? cried I eagerly; What has she heard +of him? Something of another courtship, she replied; but I hope it is +all false--You trifle with me--speak out, and say all you know. The poor +creature started at my impatience: 'I know no more, madam, than that I +heard my lady say to Sir George, I had rather Sidney were in her grave, +than married to him. Sir George said, But why will not you not let Mr +Faulkland justify himself, madam? Justify himself! my lady answered; +What can he say? Is it not plain that he is false to another woman? They +talked lower; but at last Sir George raised his voice, and said, he +would give half his estate to have the villain punished--All this, +madam, I over-heard by mere accident. Sir George was going abroad; his +linen was lying ready for him in his dressing-room; and his man desired +me to put a stitch in one of his master's point ruffles which was a +little ripped in the gathering. I had come up the back stairs into the +dressing-room, just as my lady (who was with Sir George in the +bed-chamber) said the words I first repeated; and while I stood doing +the ruffle, I heard the rest. There was a great deal more said, but I +could not distinguish any thing besides, except a word here and there, +which Sir George seemed to speak in a very angry tone. This was the +second day of your illness. Mr Faulkland had been here in the morning to +enquire how you did; my lady saw him, and I thought they parted very +friendly. I met Mr Faulkland coming down stairs; he looked full of +grief; my lady stood at the dining-room door, and wished him a good +morning. About an hour after came a letter directed to you; it was +brought by a porter, who said it required no answer. As you were too ill +to read it, I gave it to my lady; and it was soon after this, that I +heard the conversation between Sir George and her ladyship. Mr Faulkland +came again in the evening. Sir George was not at home; but my lady had +him above an hour in the drawing-room; and the footman, who let him out, +said, he looked as if he were in sad trouble. He has never been here +since, but sends constantly every day to know how you do. My lady +ordered me, if any letters came for you, to deliver them to her. And has +there any come to me? No madam; word was always sent to Mr Faulkland of +your being so ill, that to be sure he thought it would be in vain for +him to write to you.' + +This was all I could gather from the maid. What a night did I pass? I +scarce closed my eyes. Ellen lay in a field-bed by me; she had watched +several nights, and I obliged her now to undress and go into bed. She +slept soundly; how I envied her tranquility! If I forgot myself for a +few minutes, my slumbers were distracted, and I started at the +recollection of what I had already heard, and the dread of what I had +_still_ to hear. Mr Faulkland absenting himself from the house so long; +my mother wishing me in the grave, rather than be his wife; my brother +denouncing vengeance on the _villain_! These were the terrible ideas +that haunted me till morning. What can he have done, I cried aloud +several times? I summoned to my aid all the fortitude I was mistress of, +and resolved not to sink under the calamity, be it of what nature it +would. + +My mother, ever kind and tender, came early the next morning into my +room. She enquired after my health, and looked as if she _pitied_ me. I +was ready to cry at her compassionate glances; they mortified me, but I +was determined not to let her perceive it. I told her I was much better; +and, what is surprizing, I was really so, notwithstanding the uneasy +state of my mind. She talked of indifferent things, and said, she hoped +I should soon be able to go into the country for a few days, to recover +a little strength. I answered, I hope so too, madam. We were both silent +for a while; my mother had her indulgent eyes fixed upon me; mine were +cast down: at last I resolved to speak out. Madam, said I, looking +steadfastly at her, what is the cause of your coldness towards Mr +Faulkland? 'Tis in vain for you to hide it longer; you say he is _well_, +and gone out of town. If he has shewn any slight towards me, tell me so +at once; and do not entertain so mean an opinion of your daughter, as to +suppose she cannot bear the news. Your tenderness, I see, would conceal +_something_ from me; but believe me, madam, I am prepared for the worst. + +My dear, replied my mother, it gives me great pleasure to hear you say +so. I pray God preserve my child, and grant her a better lot than she +could hope for in a union with Mr Faulkland. What has he done, madam? My +dearest Sidney, she answered, this is the first trial you have ever had +of your patience; but I have no doubt that your goodness and discretion +will teach you to act as becomes your character. + +I did not intend to have spoken to you on the subject, till you were +better able to bear the knowlege of what I am going to acquaint you +with; but your prudence, I think, makes you equal to every thing; and I +hope your health will not be endangered by the discovery of Mr +Faulkland's baseness. (What a dreadful preface!) + +The day after you were taken ill, a letter, directed to you, was brought +hither by a porter, which your maid (very discretely) delivered to me. +As you were not in a condition to read it yourself, I thought proper to +open it. The cover contained a few lines addressed to you; and in it was +inclosed a letter directed to Mr Faulkland. Good God, added she, taking +the papers out of her pocket, how little reliance ought we to have on a +fair outside! + +Here are the letters; read what is in the cover first. I did so; it was +ill writ, and worse spelt. These were the contents: + + Madam, + + I hear you are soon to be married to Mr Faulkland; but as I think + it a great pity that so virtuous a young lady should be thrown + away, this is to inform you, that he does not deserve you. + + The inclosed letter, wrote to him by a fine and beautiful young + lady that he decoyed, shews you how false he is. When you tax him + with it, he will know from whence you got your information; but + let him deny it if he can. + + I am, madam, + You unknown friend, + and humble servant. + +The letter to Mr Faulkland, in a very pretty female hand, and the date +but a week old (from the time it was sent to me) was as follows: + + "Oh! Mr Faulkland, I am the most unfortunate woman in the world! + Fatal have you been to me, and I am undone for ever--I was in + hopes that our mutual fault might have been concealed; for, while + we staid at Bath, I kept my aunt intirely ignorant of what passed + between us, though she often pressed me to confess the truth; but + it can now no longer be concealed. I am but too sensibly reminded + of the unhappy consequences of my own weakness, and your + ungoverned (would I could call it) love. I never meant to trouble + you with complaints; but my present condition calls loudly for + your compassion. Are you then really going to be married? There + wants but this to complete my destruction! Oh! Sir, before it is + too late, take pity on me! I dare not continue in the house with + my uncle much longer. My aunt says, that, when my affliction + becomes so conspicuous as not to be any longer hid, she will form + a pretence, on account of my health, for me to be absent for some + months, under colour of going to Bath, or to London, for better + advice than I can have here. But what will this avail me? I have + no relations, no friends, nor acquaintance, that I can trust with + the secret of my miserable situation. To whom then can I fly, but + to you, the cause of all my sorrow? I beseech you, for Heaven's + sake, write to me, and tell me, if indeed you are going to give + your self away for ever! If you are, your intended bride, perhaps, + may have no other advantage of me, but what you in an evil hour + deprived me of. Write to me, dear, though cruel as you are; and + think of some place of refuge for your unhappy + A.B." + +When I had read these letters, my mother asked me, What I thought of Mr +Faulkland? Indeed, I was so astonished, that I scarce knew what answer +to make; but replied, Madam, are you satisfied that this letter is not +forged, with a design to injure Mr Faulkland? Ah! my dear said she, I am +sorry you strive to catch at so slender a twig; you may be sure I am but +too well convinced that the letter is genuine, or you should never have +had a moment's uneasiness by the knowlege of it. Mr Faulkland himself +does not deny it, and it is with his permission that I kept it. I +promised to return it, but desired leave to retain it for a few days. He +could not refuse me this, though he might easily imagine I designed to +shew it to you. That, indeed, _was_ my intention, when I desired to keep +it a little while in my hands, and I did so, that I might have your +judgment on the letter itself, as well as fully to justify my own +proceedings in what I have done. Ah! dear madam, cry'd I, scarce knowing +what I said, I rely on your maternal goodness; I am sure you have done +what is proper. Yet has Mr Faulkland nothing to say for himself?--But I +will ask no more questions--I know too much already--My love, said my +mother, you have a right to know every thing relative to this affair. + +I shewed the letters to your brother, as soon as I received them. Sir +George at first seemed quite confounded, but afterwards, to my very +great surprize, he smiled, and said, he knew of that foolish business +before. I asked him, if he knew of it before, how he could answer it to +his honour, his conscience, or the love he ought to bear his sister, not +to divulge it immediately? Why, said he, I assure you it is a _trivial_ +affair, that ought not to make you uneasy. + +What, George! I answered I, a trivial matter for a man to ruin a fine +young lady, forsake her, and dare to involve an innocent creature in his +crimes! Do you call this a _trivial_ affair? If you knew the +_circumstances_, said he, you would not view it in so disadvantageous a +light. Faulkland certainly gained the affections of a young lady, though +without seeking to do so; he never courted her, never attempted to +please her, much less to win her heart, and least of all to ruin her +virtue. I know that is an action he is not capable of committing. How +comes it to pass then that he _did_ so, said I, interrupting him? Why, +the girl was silly, and she was thrown in his way by a vile designing +woman that had the care of her, 'And was he (again stopping him) to take +advantage of her folly, and join with that _vile designing_ woman, to +destroy a poor young creature's honour?' The _best_ men, said he +confidently, may fall into an error; and if you expect to find a man +entirely free from them, you look for what is not possible in human +nature. + +I may expect to find a man without flagrant crimes to answer for, I +hope; and I believe I spoke it with warmth. Do you call _this_ one, +madam, said he, with still more assurance? I hope Sidney will not be +such a chit as to think in this manner, when she comes to hear the +affair explained. I really grew down-right angry, and could not forbear +saying, I would rather see you married to your grave than to such a man. +Your brother then begged I would hear Mr Faulkland _justified_, and be a +little cool till that was done. I told him there was a terrible fact +alleged, of which I could not conceive it possible for him to acquit +himself. + +George said, he had a letter to shew me on the subject, which he had +received from Mr Faulkland while he was at Bath, and which he was sure +would convince me, that the whole affair was so trifling, it ought by no +means to be objected to Mr Faulkland, nor, in his opinion, even +mentioned to him. + +I told him I was sorry to find that he and I thought so differently; for +that I was determined to speak to Mr Faulkland immediately about it, +and, if he could not satisfy me intirely on the score of the injured +lady, that he must never think of Sidney more. + +Your brother said, that the letter which was sent to you had come from +the revengeful dog who had robbed his master, and that he would give +half his estate to have the villain punished as he deserved. Mr +Faulkland, it seems, had told him this himself. The fellow found it in +the pocket-book which he had taken out of the escrutore, and his +disappointment, perhaps, at not getting a better booty, (for he found +but twenty moidores besides), joined to his malice against his master, +incited him to make the use he did of this letter. Now, continued my +mother, though the fellow is undoubtedly a vile creature, yet, my dear, +I think _we_ are obliged to him for this discovery, providentially as it +has come, to save you from what, in my opinion, would be the worst of +misfortunes. + +The loss of this letter had alarmed Mr Faulkland so much, that he put an +advertisement into the papers next day, worded in so particular a +manner, as shewed how very fearful he was of that letter's coming to +light; for, no doubt, he suspected the man might make a dangerous use of +it. The advertisement said, that if the servant, who had absconded from +his master's house in St James's Square the night before, would restore +the papers which he took with him, they should be received without any +questions being asked, and a reward of twenty guineas paid to any person +who should bring them back. This advertisement, which, to be sure, the +fellow either did not see at all, or had not time enough to avail +himself of it, shews you to what sad resources people are driven, who, +having done unwarrantable actions, are often in the power of the lowest +wretches. I own this circumstance gave me a very ill impression of Mr +Faulkland. Your brother says, he remembers this man was one of the +servants he took with him to Bath, and, without doubt, he knew of his +amour. The advertisement has since been changed, by Sir George's advice. +I find the man is named, his person described, and a reward of fifty +pounds offered for the apprehending him; but I take it for granted he +has got out of reach. + +Though his little digression was very pertinent, I was impatient to know +what had passed between my mother and Mr Faulkland on the fatal subject, +and could not forbear asking her. + +I shall tell you, said she, in order. Your brother and I had some +farther altercations; and indeed, my dear, it amazes me to find, that a +young man, educated as Sir George was, in the early part of life, in the +strictest principles of virtue, and the son of parents, who, thank God, +always gave him the best example, should have so far deviated from the +sober paths he was brought up in, as to treat the most glaring vices +with a levity that shocked me. But, I suppose, the company he kept +abroad, among whom this hypocrite Faulkland was his chief, has quite +perverted him. He gave me the letter to read, which he had received +from his friend whilst he was at Bath; and which, he said, was to +convince me that it was such a _trifling_ affair, that we ought not to +take the least notice of it. And all his reason for this was, truly, +because that loose man treats the subject as lightly as he does. I am +afraid Sir George is no better than himself, or he would not have +ventured to make him the confidant of his wild amours; and that at a +time too when he was encouraged to address you. He tells him of a very +pretty young lady (innocent he says too) that he got acquainted with, +who came to Bath under the care of an aunt and uncle; he talks some idle +stuff of avoiding her, when he found she liked him, and that the aunt +(wicked woman!) contrived to leave them together one evening, when, I +understand, the poor young creature fell into the snare that was +prepared for her. For, would you believe it, my dear, the monstrous +libertine, notwithstanding his pretences, owned that he had paid a price +for the girl to her aunt. The betrayed creature herself knew not of +this. + +I own I had not patience to read the letter through. To say the truth, I +but run my eye in a cursory manner over it; I was afraid of meeting, at +every line, something offensive to decency. And _this_ was the account, +which, in your brother's opinion, was entirely to exculpate Mr +Faulkland. I think I never was so angry. I threw the letter to George +with indignation, telling him, I was ashamed to find, that he, after +knowing an incident of this kind, had so little regard to the honour of +his sister, as to promote a marriage between her and such a rake. He +answered, if I kept you unmarried till I found such a man as _I_ should +_not_ call a rake, you were likely to live and die a maid. That +for his part, he was very sorry, as well for Mr Faulkland's sake as +yours, he had ever proposed an union, which he found was likely to be +overthrown by unseasonable scruples. And the gentleman, in a violent +passion, flung out of the room, without deigning even to take up the +letter which had fallen on the floor. + +I presume he went directly to his friend Faulkland, and told him all +that had passed; for the plausible man came to me in the evening, and +with looks, full of pretended sorrow, but _real_ guilt, begged I would +hear him on the subject of a letter which he said he found had +unfortunately prejudiced me against him. To be sure he was prepared, and +had, with George's help, contrived an artful story to impose on me. He +took me unawares; but I was resolved not to give him the advantage of +arguments, but proceed to ask him a few plain questions. I therefore cut +him short at once, by saying, Mr Faulkland, I am extremely concerned +and shocked at what has happened; I will say but a few words to you, and +desire to hear nothing more than answers to my questions: he bowed, and +remained silent. + +I then asked him, taking the young lady's letter out of my pocket, +whether that was from the same person, of whom he had written an account +to my son whilst he was at Bath? He answered, It is, madam; and I hoped +from that letter, which I find Sir George has shewn you, you would be +induced to believe that I never formed a thought of injuring that young +lady, till some unfortunate circumstances combined, and suddenly +surprized me into the commission of a fault that has made us both +unhappy. Sir, said I, I don't pretend to know people's hearts, I can +only judge of them from their actions. You acknowlege that she was a +fine young woman, and you believe innocent: What excuse can you offer +for being her destroyer? Dear madam, don't use so severe an +expression--Sir, I can use no other: How can you extenuate the fault, by +which you merit so severe an appellation? To a lady of your rigid +delicacy, madam, said he, perhaps what youth could offer, in extenuation +of the fault, might appear but a weak plea: yet 'tis most certain, that +I was surprized into the fatal error: I am under no promises, no ties, +no engagements whatsoever to the lady. No ties, Sir! (interrupting him) +Is your own honour no tie upon you, supposing you free from any other +obligation? You see the consequence of this fatal error, as you call it: +here is a young person, of fashion, perhaps (I don't enquire who she is, +but she seems to have had no mean education), who is likely to bring a +child into the world, to the disgrace of herself and her family. On you, +Sir, she charges her dishonour, and mentions your marrying another, as +the blow which is to complete her ruin. Mr Faulkland, is not all this +truth? Be so good as to give me a direct answer. Madam, I cannot deny +it; you have the proof of it in your hands: from all that appears to +you, I am indeed very blameable; nay, I do not pretend to vindicate my +folly; but, Madam, do not aggravate my fault in your own thoughts, by +considering the affair in a more unfavourable light than what even her +letter puts it! I conjure you, madam, to suffer Sir George to be my +advocate on this occasion; he is acquainted with every particular of the +transaction, and can give you a detail that I will not presume to do. Be +pleased, Sir, replied I, to tell me what you mean to do in regard to +this lady? I mean to do all that I _can_ do, answered he; I shall +provide a place of retreat for her, where she will meet with the utmost +care, tenderness, and respect; and where she may continue with privacy +till she is in a condition to return home again to her friends. You may +be sure, madam, as to the rest, I shall acquit myself consistently with +honour. That is as much as to say, Sir, said I, that you will take care +of the maintenance of your poor babe. He looked as if he had a mind to +smile, forward man! but constrained it. Doubtless, madam, I shall do all +that is now in my power to do, in every circumstance relating to her. + +I felt myself exceedingly displeased with him; I was so disappointed in +my opinion of him, that it increased my resentment. Sir, I proceeded, I +must inform you, that there is as much _now_ in your power as ever there +was. You are still unmarried; the way is open to you, to repair the +mischief you have done: I will never bring down the curses of an injured +maid upon my daughter's head, nor purchase her worldly prosperity at the +expence of the shame and sorrow of another woman, for ought I know, as +well born, as tenderly bred, and, till she knew you, perhaps as innocent +as herself. For heaven's sake, madam! he cry'd, don't, don't, I beseech +you, pronounce my fate so hastily--You must pardon me, Sir, said I, if I +beg to hear no more on this subject. Sir George has already said every +thing you could expect of your friend to say in your justification, and +more than became him to utter. All I can find by either you or him, is, +that you think the loss of honour to a young woman is a trifle, which a +man is not obliged to repair, because truly he did not _promise_ to do +so. This young creature, I understand, is a gentlewoman, very charming +in her person, by your own account; one who loves you tenderly, and will +shortly make you a father. Is not all this so? I grant it madam, said +the criminal. Then, Sir, what reason can you urge in your conscience for +not doing her justice? None--but your own inconstant inclinations, which +happen now to be better pleased with another woman, whom, perhaps, you +might forsake in a few months. + +I cannot pretend to repeat to you all he said upon this last article: +worse of course, you may be sure. He intreated, over and over again, +that I would permit Sir George to plead for him. I told him, that after +the facts he had granted, it was impossible that either he or Sir George +could make the affair better; that I was very sorry to find myself +disappointed in a person of whom I had conceived so high an opinion; and +added, that as your illness made it very improper to let you know any +thing of the matter for the present, I should take it as a favour if he +would permit me to retain the lady's letter to him for a few days, or +till you were in a condition to have the matter broke to you. In the +mean while, I requested that he would dispense with my receiving any +more visits from him. + +He said some frantic things (for the man seems of a violent temper); but +finding me peremptory, took his leave with respect. + +I understand from Sir George, that he flew directly down to Richmond, to +a little house he has there, where he has remained ever since; but sends +every day to enquire after your health. Sir George, I am sure, sees him +often; for he frequently goes out early in the morning, and stays abroad +till night. The increase of your illness, from the time I received the +last visit from Mr Faulkland, to such a degree as to alarm us for your +life, I suppose, prevented your brother from reassuming the subject; +though I can perceive he is full of anger and vexation on the occasion. +You are now, my dear, God be praised, in a hopeful way of recovery, and +I expect that George (who has, by espousing this man's interests so +warmly, very much offended me), that George, I say, will renew his +sollicitations in his favour. What do you say, my child? I should be +glad to know your thoughts, with regard to the part I have acted, as +well as with respect to Mr Faulkland's conduct. + +Shall I own my weakness to you, my dear Cecilia? I was ready to melt +into tears; my spirits, exhausted by sickness, were not proof against +this unexpected blow; a heavy sigh burst from my heart, that gave me a +little relief. You know my mother is rigid in her notions of virtue; and +I was determined to shew her that I would endeavour to imitate her. I +therefore suppressed the swelling passion in my breast, and, with as +much composure as I could assume, told her, I thought she acted as +became her; and that, with regard to Mr Faulkland, my opinion of his +conduct was such, that I never desired to see him more. This answer, +dictated perhaps by female pride (for I will not answer for the feelings +of my heart at that instant), was so agreeable to my mother, that she +threw her arms about my neck, and kissed me several times; blessing, and +calling me by the most endearing names at every interval. Her tenderness +overcame me; or, to deal with sincerity, I believe I was willing to make +it an excuse for weeping. Oh! my dear mother, cry'd I, I have need of +your indulgence; but indeed your goodness quite overpowers me. My dear +love, said she, you deserve it all, and more than it is in your mother's +power to shew you. What a blessed escape have you had, my sweet child, +of that wild man! Little did I think, my Sidney, when I told you the +story of my first disappointment, that a case so parallel would soon be +your own. With respect to you and me indeed, the incidents are nearly +alike; but there is a wide difference between the two men. My lover had +the grace to repent, and would have returned to his first engagements, +if a dreadful malady had not overtaken him; but this graceless Faulkland +persists in his infidelity, and would make you as culpable as himself. I +own to you, daughter, that the recollection of that melancholy event +which happened to me, has given me a sort of horror at the very thoughts +of a union between you and Mr Faulkland. You remember the sad +consequences which I related to you of an infidelity of this kind; the +poor forsaken woman died of grief, and the dishonest lover ran mad. +Think of this, my child, and let it encourage you to banish such an +unworthy man from your heart. I was afraid your regard for him might +make this a difficult task; but I rejoice to find your virtue is +stronger than your passion. _I_ loved as well as you, but I overcame it +when I found it a duty to do so; and I see your mother's example is not +lost upon you. + +The honest pride that my mother endeavoured to inspire me with, had a +good effect, and kept up my spirits for a time. She told me, she was +sure that Sir George would quarrel with us both, when we came to talk +upon the subject of the marriage; but she was entirely easy as to that, +now she knew that _my_ sentiments corresponded with her own. + +You know my mother has ever been despotic in her government of me; and +had I even been inclined to dissent from her judgment in a matter of +this importance, it would have been to no purpose; but this was really +far from my thoughts. + +I was as much disgusted with Mr Faulkland as she was, and as heartily +pitied the unhappy young creature whom he had undone. + +You may recollect, my dear, that my mother, tho' strictly nice in every +particular, has a sort of partiality to her own sex, and where there is +the least room for it, throws the whole of the blame upon the _man's_ +side; who, from her own early prepossessions, she is always inclined to +think are deceivers of women. I am not surprized at this bias in her; +her early disappointment, with the attending circumstances, gave her +this impression. She is warm, and sometimes _sudden_, in her +attachments; and yet it is not always difficult to turn her from them. +The integrity of her own heart makes her liable to be imposed on by a +plausible outside; and yet the dear good woman takes a sort of pride in +her sagacity. She had admired and esteemed Mr Faulkland prodigiously; +her vexation was the greater, in finding her expectations disappointed; +and could I have been so unjust to the pretensions of another, or so +indelicate in regard to myself, as to have overlooked Mr Faulkland's +fault, I knew my mother would be inflexible. I therefore resolved in +earnest to banish him from my thoughts. I found my mother was mightily +pleased with her own management of the conversation she had held with Mr +Faulkland. I think I talked pretty _roundly_ to him, said she; but there +was no other way; he is an artful man, and I was resolved not to let him +wind me about. He would make a merit of having _formed no designs_ upon +the young lady; why, possibly, he did not, till he found the poor soul +was so smitten with him, that he thought she would be an easy prey. Sir +George impudently insinuated, that a man _must_ not reject a lady upon +these occasions. I was ashamed to hint to Mr Faulkland at the +circumstance of his having actually paid a price for the girl; it was +too gross; and I think, had I mentioned it, must have struck him dumb: +though very likely he might have had some subterfuge, even for that +aggravating part of the story. + +How I am shock'd, my Cecilia, to think of this! I was glad my mother had +spared his confusion on this particular; for though probably, as she +observed, he had come prepared with some evasion to this charge, yet +what a mean figure must a man make, who is reduced to disingenuous +shifts, to excuse or palliate an action, despicable as well as wicked! + +My brother came in, during our discourse, to ask me how I did. My mother +answered his question before I had time to speak. She is pretty well, +thank God! and not likely to break her heart, though she _knows_ your +friend Mr Faulkland's story (and she spoke it scornfully). My brother +said, Sidney, Are _you_ as averse to Mr Faulkland as my mother is? I +replied, Brother, I wonder you can ask me that question, after what you +have been just now told. I always said, answered he, that you did not +know the value of the man, and now I am convinced of it. I wish he had +never seen you! I wish so too, said I. Sir George walked about the room, +and seemed vexed to death. For Heaven's sake, madam, (turning to my +mother) now my sister is tolerably recovered, suffer her to see Mr +Faulkland; let her hear what he has to say in his own vindication: I +think you may trust to her honour, and her discretion; and if the affair +appears to her in so heinous a light as it does to you, I will be +contented to give Mr Faulkland up; but don't shut your own ears, and +your daughter's too, against conviction. + +Sir, you are disrespectful, said my mother angrily. Dear brother, I +cry'd, I beg you will spare me on this subject; my mother _has_ given me +leave to judge for myself; she has repeated all that you have said, and +all that Mr Faulkland has been able to urge on the occasion; and I am +sorry to tell you, that I think myself bound never to have any farther +correspondence with him; therefore you must excuse me for not seeing +him. And so the match is broke off, cry'd Sir George. _It is_, said my +mother peremptorily. It is, echoed I faintly. Why then, replied Sir +George (and he swore), you will never get such another whilst you live. +A pretty figure you'll make in the world, when you give it for a reason +that you refused _such_ a man, after every thing was concluded upon, +because truly you found that he had had an intrigue! Why, Sidney, you'll +be so laugh'd at! He addressed himself to me, though I knew he meant the +reproof for my mother. Sir, answered she, neither your sister nor I +shall trouble ourselves much about the opinion of people who _can_ laugh +at such things. You may put the matter into as ridiculous a light as you +please: but this was no common intrigue; _you know_ it was not, however +you may affect to speak of it. I don't suppose _any_ of you are +_Saints_, but I trust in Heaven, some are better than others. Oh! madam, +madam, said my brother, if you knew the world as well _I_ do, you would +think that Mr Faulkland is one of the best. God forbid! my mother +answered coolly. Well, well, madam, cry'd Sir George, I see it is to no +purpose to argue; there are many families of more consequence than ours, +and ten times the fortune, that will be very proud of Faulkland's +alliance; and will hardly make it an objection to him, that he was led +into a foolish scrape by the wickedness of one woman, and the folly of +another. If you make my sister wait for a husband, till you find a man +who never offended in that way, I think, mother, you had better take a +little boy from his nurse, breed him up under your own eye, and by the +time Sidney is a good motherly gentlewoman, you may give her the baby to +make a play-thing of. For my own part, I am heartily sorry I ever +interfered.--People of such nice scruples had better chuse for +themselves; but I cannot help thinking, that both Faulkland and I are +very ill used. I told you (said my mother to me) how he would behave. +Sir George, I desire you will not distress your sister thus (She saw me +sadly cast down: I was ill and weak): if you have no respect for _me_, +have a little tenderness for her.--I beg your pardon, child, said he, I +did not mean to distress you, I pity _you_, indeed Sidney. I could have +cry'd at his using that expression, it humbles one so. Madam (to my +mother), you shall be troubled no farther by my friend or myself; all I +shall say is this, that whenever my sister gets a husband of your +ladyship's chusing, I wish he may have half the worth of the poor +rejected Faulkland. + +My brother left the room with these words. My mother was downright in a +passion, but soon cooled on his withdrawing. + +My spirits were quite fatigued; and my mother left me, that I might take +a little rest. + +What a strange alteration have a few days produced! our domestic peace +broke in upon by the unlucky difference between my mother and my +brother. My near prospect of--of--oh! let me be ingenuous, and say +Happiness, vanished--Poor Mr Faulkland! _Poor_ do I call him? for shame, +Sidney--but let the word go; I will not blot it. Mr Faulkland forbid the +house, myself harassed by a cruel disorder, and hardly able to crawl out +of bed. All this fallen on me within these last fourteen black days. +Then I dread the going abroad, or seeing company, I shall look so silly; +for the intended wedding began to be talked of;--and the curiosity of +people to know the cause of it's being broke off--What wild guesses will +be made by some, and what lies invented by others! Then the ill-natured +mirth of one half of the girls of my acquaintance, and the _as_ +provoking condolements of the other hand--I am fretted at the thoughts +of it--but it cannot be helped; I must bear it all--I wish I were well +enough to get into the country, to be out of the reach of such +impertinence. + +I long to know who this ill-fated girl is, that has been the cause of +all this. _A gentlewoman, and very pretty; one that loves Mr Faulkland, +and will shortly make him a parent._ Thus my mother described her to Mr +Faulkland, and he assented to it. Oh! fie, fie, Mr Faulkland, how could +you be so cruel to _her_? How could you use _me_ so ill? and Sir George +knew of all this, and makes light of it! it is a strange story! My +mother is severe in her virtue, but she is in the right--My brother +would sacrifice every consideration to aggrandize his family--To make a +purchase of the unhappy creature, and that without her knowlege too, it +is horrid! Away, away from my thoughts, thou vile intruder--Return to +your Bath mistress, she has a better right to you than I have; she +implores your pity; she has no refuge but you; and she may be every way +preferable to me--I wish I knew her name, but what is it to me; _mine_ +will never be Faulkland, _hers_ ought. Perhaps Mr Faulkland may be +induced to marry her, when he sees her in her present interesting +situation. He says he will provide a retreat for her; to be sure he will +have the compassion to visit her: and then who knows what may happen? +If I know my own heart, I think I do most sincerely wish he may make her +his wife; but then I would not chuse to have it known suddenly; that +might look as if he forsook me for her. _That_, I own, would a little +hurt my pride. I wish not the truth to be known, for Mr Faulkland's +sake; but then I should not like to have a slur thrown on me. + +I will add no more to this, but send the packet off at all events; I +think it will find you at Paris. + + + _August 1_ + +My health promises to return: my mother praises me, and calls me a +Heroine. I begin to fancy myself one: our pride sometimes stands in the +place of virtue. + +Sir George went to Richmond yesterday. We have scarce seen him since the +tift he had with us the other day. What strange creatures these men are, +even the best of them! and how light they make of faults in one another, +that shock us but to think of! + +My mother takes his behaviour very ill: he staid all night with his +friend, and returned to town this morning: he only looked into my room, +to ask me how I did: my mother was sitting with me. I believe that +hindered him from coming in; for he looked as if he wanted to speak to +me. He bowed to my mother, but said not a word; he went abroad again as +soon as he was dressed, and did not come in till late. I fear his +conduct will oblige us to separate; for my mother will not brook any +liberties to be taken with her: she hinted as much, and said she +believed Sir George was tired of living regularly. + +She anticipated the request I intended to make to her, of letting me go +out of town; for she said, as soon as I was able, I should remove into +the country for a while. Sidney Castle is too long a journey for me at +present to think of undertaking, and she talks of going into Essex, on a +visit to Lady Grimston, which we have long promised her. I shall like +this better than going down to Wiltshire, where the want of my Cecilia +would make my old abode a melancholy place, especially at this juncture. + + + _August 4_ + +Sir George continues sullen and cold to us: he never has had an +opportunity of saying any thing particular to me since the day he said +so much. My mother scarce ever leaves me; he seems nettled at this. I +believe he would endeavour to work on _me_, as he knows the attempt +would be vain in regard to _her_. As I am now well enough to receive the +visits of our intimate acquaintance, I am never without company. I am +really in pretty good spirits, and bear my disappointment (as I told you +I would) very handsomely. I never hear Mr Faulkland's name mentioned, no +more than if such a man did not exist. We are to set out for lady +Grimston's house on Tuesday; it is but twenty miles from London; and I +am already strong enough to bear a longer journey. + +My mother told Sir George, that if he liked it, the house we are now in +was at his service during her time of it, of which there are some months +to come; for she said, she meant to go directly home from Essex. Sir +George thanked her, but did not say whether he would accept of her offer +or not. + + + _August 5_ + +I have been obliged to turn away my poor Ellen. She was so imprudent as +to receive a letter for me from Mr Faulkland's man, contrary to my +mother's express commands. She brought it to me, and I gave it to my +mother unopened; who put it directly into the fire without reading it, +and told me it would oblige her, if I would part with the servant who +had presumed to take it after her prohibition. I instantly obeyed, and +have just discharged her. I should have a sad loss of her, only I am in +hopes of having her place well supplied by an old acquaintance and +play-fellow of ours, poor Patty Main; her father is dead, and she is +obliged to go to service, for he has left a widow with six children. The +eldest son, you remember, served his time to his father, and is just now +setting out in business; but a young surgeon in a country town must take +some time to establish himself; though he is a very worthy youth, and I +hear clever in his profession. + +Patty came to town last week with a lady from our neighbourhood, who +applied to my mother to recommend the girl to wait on some person of +fashion. My mother has been looking out for a suitable place for her; +but she told me today, she thought I could not do better than take her +to myself; I shall be very glad to have her, for she is an amiable young +woman. + + + _August 6_ + +We go out of town at seven o'clock to-morrow morning, as we are to dine +at Grimston-hall, and purpose going at our leisure. I will steal a few +minutes from sleep, though it is now very late, to give you a short +scene which passed in my chamber about an hour ago. + +Sir George (who, according to his late custom, had been abroad all day) +came into my room, where my mother and I were sitting together. He asked +us, Did we hold our purpose of going out of town next day? Yes, +certainly, my mother said. And you intend going from lady Grimston's to +Sidney Castle? We do. Then, madam (to my mother), as it is the last +trouble you are likely to have from Mr Faulkland, I hope you will not +refuse to read this letter, which he has sent you; and he took one out +of his pocket, and presented it to her. She did not make an offer to +receive it, but answered, Sir George, it is to no purpose for Mr +Faulkland to sollicit me; you know I don't easily alter my resolutions +when once they are fixed: he has given himself an unnecessary trouble; +pray excuse me: it was not handsome of him to write to my daughter, +after he knew my sentiments. You need not be afraid of fresh +sollicitations, madam, said my brother; I knew enough of your _firmness_ +(and he spoke the word firmness reluctantly, as if he would rather have +used another, perhaps less respectful term); I knew enough to assure +Faulkland there was not the least hope left for him; and though I do not +know the subject of that letter, I can venture to assure you, it is not +intended to move you in favour of his pretensions: this he declared to +me, before I would take the letter from him; but what puts it past +doubt, is, that he set out this very evening from London, in order to +embark for Germany. I could not help breathing a sigh when Sir George +said this; but no body heard me. He still held the letter in his hand, +and again offered it to my mother; you need not be afraid of it, madam; +I presume it may be no more than to take a civil leave of you. I wish +him well, said my mother, taking the letter; if that be all, what he +says may keep cold; and she put it into her pocket without opening. + +This being the eve of our journey, some little domestic matters, which +my mother had to settle, called her out of the room. Sir George took +that opportunity to ask me, whether my mother had shewed me the letter +which he had received from Mr Faulkland while he was at Bath, relative +to that cursed affair, as he called it. I told him, my mother had +repeated great part of the contents of it to me; and that the principal +observation she had made, was not favourable to _him_, on account of his +being made the confidant of such an affair. + +I am very sorry for your sake, Sidney, said he, that our mother is of so +inflexible a temper; you have lost by it, what you will have reason to +regret as long as you live. Such amazing obstinacy! such unaccountable +perverseness! I do not want to shake your filial obedience; but I, for +my own part, think that nothing but infatuation can account for your +mother's conduct--Does she want a man without passions? Or have _you_ +filled your head with such chimærical notions as to--I interrupted him +(for my brother is not always nice in his choice of words);--Dear Sir +George, say no more; I am very well contented as I am. I will not +increase your uneasiness, said he, by telling you what Faulkland has +suffered on this occasion. If ever love was carried to adoration, it was +in the breast of that generous, charming fellow--but you have lost +him--and I have lost him; thanks to my wise scrupulous mother for that. +I begged of him to drop the subject. My mother came in to us again. Sir +George bid us good night, and wished us a good journey. The parting was +cool enough. I am glad, however, there is not a total rupture. I believe +he will continue in our house in town for a time, at least. + +Patty Main, who gladly accepted of the offer of my service, came home to +me this evening. She is grown very tall and genteel. I hardly know how +to treat her as a servant; but the good girl is so humble, that she does +all in her power to make me forget that I ever knew her in a better +situation; but in this she fails of her purpose, for it only serves to +remind me the more strongly of it: she is so ready, and so handy, that +she does twenty little offices that do not belong to her place, and +which are not expected of her. My mother is exceedingly pleased with +her, and says it is such a happiness to have about me a young person +virtuously brought up, that she almost considers her as one of the +family. + + + _Grimston-hall, August 8_ + +We arrived here yesterday, and met a most friendly reception from the +lady of this mansion. But before I say any more of her, I will hasten to +a more interesting subject. I have got Mr Faulkland's letter to my +mother; she has just put it into my hands; and while she walks in the +garden with lady Grimston, I will make haste to transcribe it. Thus it +is: + + Madam, + + I submit to the sentence you have passed on me. I am miserable, + but do not presume to expostulate. I purpose leaving England + directly; but would wish if possible (a little to mitigate the + severity of my lot), to convince you, that the unhappy rejected + man, who aspired to the honour of being your son-in-law, is not + quite such a criminal as he now appears to you. + + To Sir George's friendship I know I am much indebted for + endeavouring to vindicate me. It was not in his power, it was not + in my own; for you saw all which I, in unreserved freedom, wrote + to him on the subject of my acquaintance with Miss B. + + I have but one resource left; perhaps, madam, you will think it a + strange one. To the lady herself I must appeal. She will do me + justice, and I am sure will be ready to acknowlege that I am no + betrayer of innocence, no breaker of promises; that I was + surprized into the commission of a fault, for which I have paid so + dear a price. + + Her testimony, madam, may perhaps have some weight with you; + though I propose nothing more by it, than that you may think of me + with less detestation. You have banished me from your presence: I + am a voluntary exile from my country, and from my friends: submit + to the chastisement, and would do anything to expiate my offence + against you and Miss Bidulph. There is but _one_ command which you + can possibly lay on me, to which I would not pay a perfect and + ready obedience; but that act, perhaps, is the _only_ one which + would make me appear worthy of your esteem. + + The lady whom it has been my ill fate to render unhappy, and by + whom I am made unutterably so, will, ere long, come to a house at + Putney, which I have taken on purpose for her. I have placed in it + my housekeeper, a grave worthy woman, under whose care she will be + safe, and attended with that secresy and tenderness which her + condition requires. + + I have written to her a faithful account of every thing relative + to my hoped-for alliance with your family, and the occasion of the + treaty's being broken off. As she must, by this means, know that + your ladyship is acquainted with her story, I have told her, that, + perhaps you might, from the interest you took in her misfortune, + be induced to see her in her retirement. Let me, therefore, + conjure you, madam, by that pious zeal which governs all your + actions, and by the love you bear that daughter so deservedly dear + to you, to take compassion on this young lady. She has no friends, + nor any acquaintance in this part of the kingdom; her situation + will require the comfort of society, and perhaps, the advice of + wisdom. It will be an act worthy of your humanity to shew some + countenance to her. + + I think she will be in very good hands with the honest woman who + waits her coming; but if any thing should happen otherwise than + well, it would make me doubly wretched. + + To one who has no resources of contentment in her own bosom, + solitude cannot be a friend; this I fear may be the lady's case; + and this makes me with the more earnestness urge my request to + you. Forgive me, madam, for the liberty I take with you; a + liberty, which, though I confess it needs an apology, yet is it at + the same time a proof of the confidence I have in you, which I + hope will not affront either your candour or your virtue. + + If you will condescend to grant this request, I shall obtain the + two wishes at present most material to my peace; the one to secure + to the lady a compassionate friend, already inclined to espouse + her cause; the other, to put it in your power to be satisfied from + the lady's own mouth, of the truth of what I have asserted. I + trust to her generosity to deal openly on this occasion. + + I wish you and Miss Bidulph every blessing that Heaven can bestow, + and am, with great respect, + + Madam, + Your ladyship's + Most obedient humble Servant, + ORLANDO FAULKLAND. + + P.S. The lady will go by the name of Mrs Jefferis: you will pardon + me for not having mentioned her _real name_. I never yet told it + even to Sir George; but I presume she will make no secret of it to + you, if you honour her with a visit. + +Poor Orlando! unhappy Miss B! I could name a third person, that is not +_happy_ neither. What a pity it is, that so many good qualities, should +be blotted by imperfections! how tender is his compassion for this poor +girl! how ingenuous his conduct! but still he flies from her. I fear she +can never hope to recover him. There is but _one_ thing, he says, which +_he would not do; the only act, perhaps, by which he could make himself +appear worthy of my mother's esteem_. The meaning of this but too +plainly shews him determined against marrying Miss B. I don't know any +thing else which would reconcile my mother to him. + +I make no doubt of her complying with Mr Faulkland's request in seeing +the lady; she is very compassionate, particularly to her own sex. + +What a _strange resource_ indeed is this of Mr Faulkland's, to appeal to +the lady herself! What am I to judge from it, but that the unfortunate +victim, ignorant of the treachery that was practised against her by her +wicked aunt, and that her destroyer paid a _price_ for her dishonour, +exculpates him from the worst part of the guilt, and perhaps, poor easy +creature, blames her own weakness only for the error which a concealed +train of cunning and perfidy might have led her into? + +But even supposing Miss B. were generous and candid enough (and great +indeed must be her candour and generosity) to justify this guilty man, +What would it avail? Did not my mother tell me she conceived a _sort of +horror at the bare idea of an union between Mr Faulkland and me_? This +arises from the strong impression made on her by the unlucky event which +blasted her own early love. Strong and early prejudices are almost +insurmountable. + +My mother's piety, genuine and rational as it is, is notwithstanding a +little tinctured with superstition; it was the error of her education, +and her good sense has not been able to surmount it; so that I now the +universe would not induce her to change her resolution in regard to Mr +Faulkland. She thinks he _ought_ to marry miss B. and she will _ever_ +think so. I wish he would; for I am sure he never can be mine. The bell +rings for breakfast; I must run down. My mother came up to dress just +now, and stepped into my room. I returned her the letter, and she asked +me, What I thought of Mr Faulkland's request? madam, you are a better +judge of the propriety of it than I am. I shall have no objection to +seeing the unhappy lady, said she, since it seems he has apprised her of +my knowlege of her affairs. I am glad he has the grace to shew even so +much compassion for her: perhaps it may be the beginning of repentance, +and time may work a thorough reformation in him, if God spares him his +life and his _senses_. You see which way my good mother's thoughts +tended. I did not, she added, intend to return to London again; but this +occasion, I think, calls upon me; and I believe I shall go for a while, +in order to see and comfort this poor young creature. She cannot yet be +near lying in; and I suppose she will not come to the house Mr Faulkland +speaks of, till she can no longer remain undiscovered at home; so that a +month or two hence will be full soon enough for me to think of going to +town. + +I saw my mother rested her compliance with Mr Faulkland's request, +merely on one point; that of compassion to the girl. As for the other +motive, said she, the hearing him justified from the _Lady's own mouth_, +I am not such a novice in those matters, but that I know when a deluding +man has once got an ascendency over a young creature, he can coax her +into any thing. Too much truth I doubt there is in this observation of +my mother's. + +But it is time to say something of lady Grimston. My Cecilia has never +seen her, though I believe she has often heard my mother speak of her. +They are nearly of an age, and much of the same cast of thinking; though +with this difference, that lady Grimston is extravagantly rigid in her +notions, and precise in her manner. She has been a widow for many years, +and lives upon a large jointure at Grimston-hall, with as much +regularity and solemnity, as you would see in a monastery. Her servants +are all antediluvians; I believe her coach horses are fifty years of +age, and the very house-dog is as grey as a badger. She herself, who in +her youth never _could_ have been handsome, renders herself still a more +unpleasing figure, by the oddity of her dress; you would take her for a +lady of Charles the first's court at least. She is always dressed out: I +believe she sleeps in her cloaths, for she comes down ruffled, and +towered, and flounced, and fardingal'd, even to breakfast. My mother has +a _very_ high opinion of her, and says, she _knows more of the world_ +than any one of her acquaintance. It may be so; but it must be of the +old world; for lady Grimston has not been ten miles from her seat these +thirty years. 'Tis nine years since my mother and she met before, and +there was a world of compliments passed between them; though I am sure +they were sincerely glad to see each other, for they seem to be very +fond. They were companions in youth, that season wherein the most +durable friendships are contracted. I believe her really a very good +woman; she is pious and charitable, and does abundance of good things in +her neighbourhood; though I cannot say I think her amiable. There is an +austerity about her that keeps me in awe, notwithstanding that she is +extremely obliging to me, and told my mother, I _promised to make a fine +woman_. Think of such a compliment to one of almost nineteen. My mother +and she call one another by their christian names; and you would smile +to hear the two old ladies (begging their pardons,) _Lettying_ and +_Dollying_ one another. This accounts to me for lady Grimston's thinking +_me_ still a child; for I suppose she considers herself not much past +girl-hood, though, to do her justice, she has not a scrap of it in her +behaviour. + + + _August 10_ + +All our motions here are as regular as the clock. The family rise at +six; we are summoned to breakfast at eight; at ten a venerable +congregation are assembled to prayers, which an ancient clergyman, who +is curate of the parish, and her ladyship's chaplain, gives us daily. +Then the old horses are put to the old coach; and my lady, with her +guests, if they chuse it, take an airing; always going and returning by +the same road, and driving precisely to the same land-mark, and no +farther. At half an hour after twelve, in a hall large enough to +entertain a corporation, we sit down to dinner; my lady has a grace of a +quarter of an hour long, and we are waited on by four truly venerable +footmen, for she likes state. The afternoon we may dispose of as we +please; at least it is a liberty I am indulged in, and I generally spend +my time in the garden, or my own chamber, till I have notice given me of +supper's being on the table, where we are treated with the same +ceremonials as at dinner. At ten exactly, the instant the clock strikes +the first stroke, my lady rises with great solemnity, and wishes us a +good night. + + + _August 14_ + +You cannot expect, in such a house as this is, my dear, that I can be +furnished with materials to give you much variety. Indeed these four +last days have been so exactly the same in every particular, excepting +that the dishes at dinner and supper were changed, that I had resolved +to hang up my pen till I quitted Grimston-hall, or at least resign it to +Patty, and let her plod on and tell you how the wind blew such a day; +what sort of a mantua lady Grimston had on such a day (though by the way +it is always the same, always ash-coloured tissue); what the great dog +barked at, at such an hour, and what the old parrot said at such a time; +the house and the garden I have exhausted my descriptive faculties on +already, though, they are neither of them worth describing; and I was +beginning to despair of matter to furnish out a quarter of an hour's +entertainment, when the scene began to brighten a little this auspicious +day, by the arrival of a coach full of visitors. These were no other +than a venerable dean, who is the minister of our parish, his lady and +daughter, and a Mr Arnold, a gentleman who is a distant relation of lady +Grimston's. He has a house in this neighbourhood, and is just come to +an estate by the death of his elder brother. + +This visit has given me hopes that I may now and then have a chance for +seeing a human face, besides the antiques of the family, and those which +are depicted on the arras. Though not to disparage the people, they were +all agreeable enough in their different ways. The old dean is good +humoured and polite; I mean the true politeness, that of the heart, +which dictates the most obliging things in so frank a manner, that they +have not the least appearance of flattery. Being very near sighted, he +put on a pair of spectacles to look at me, and turning to Mr Arnold, +with a vivacity that would have become five-and-twenty, he repeated + + 'With an air and a face, + 'And a shape and a grace, &c.' + +The young man smiled his assent, and my mother looked so delighted, that +the good-natured dean's compliment pleased _me_ for _her_ sake. Lady +Grimston, who is passionately fond of musick, has a very pretty organ in +one of her chambers; Mr Arnold was requested to give us a lesson on it, +which he very readily obliged us with. He plays ravishingly; the +creature made me envious, he touched it so admirably. I had taken a sort +of dislike to him when he first came in, I cannot tell you why or +wherefore; but this accomplishment has reconciled me so to him, that I +am half in love with him. I hope we shall see him often; he is really +excellent on this instrument, and you know how fond I am of musick. + + + _August 15_ + +This packet is already so large that I am sure it will frighten you. I +will therefore send it off before I increase it; especially as I am now +so much in the hum-drum way, that I ought, out of policy, to make a +break in my narrative, in order to encourage you to read it. Positively, +if things do not mend, and that considerably too,--Patty shall keep +the journal, for I find myself already disposed to sleep over it. + + + _August 20_ + +I have looked over what Patty has writ for the five last days; upon my +word she is a very good journalist, as well as amanuensis; and she has +given you, to the full, as good an account of matters and things as I +could. + +My time passes rather more tolerably than I expected. The dean's family +seem to have broke the solitary _spell_ that hung over the house, and we +have company you see every day. Mr Arnold never fails. I always make him +play; he is very obliging, and, if he were not good natured, I should +tire him. + + + _August 22_ + +I have had a letter from Sir George; he mentions not Mr Faulkland; I too +am endeavouring to forget him. When my mother goes to London, I will try +to prevail on her to let me go down to Sidney-castle. I have no +inclination to go to town, and less to stay here. We are to have a +concert to-morrow, at Mr Arnold's house. My lively good old dean touches +the bass viol, his daughter sings prettily; I am to bear my part too; so +that we begin to grow a little sociable. + + + _August 30_ + +Are you not tired of my Grimston journal, my Cecilia? Day after day rolls +on, and the same dull repetition! Lady Grimston, the Dean, and Mr +Arnold, perpetually! there is no bearing this, you cry. Well, but here +is a new personage arrived to diversity the scene a little. Lady +Grimston's daughter, a sweet woman; but her mother does not seem fond of +her. It amazes me, for she is perfectly amiable, both in temper and +person; she is a widow of about eight and twenty. Lady Grimston appears +to treat her with a distance very unmaternal; and the poor young woman +seems so humbled, that I pity her. She is come but on a visit, and we +shall lose her in a week, for which I am very sorry, as I have taken a +fancy to her. + + + _September 1_ + +Poor Mrs Vere! that is the name of Lady Grimston's daughter. I can now +give you the cause of her mother's coldness to her; I had it from +herself; she told me her little history this evening in the garden, with +a frankness that charmed me. + +How happy you are, dear Miss Bidulph, said she! you seem to be blessed +with one of the tenderest of parents. I am indeed, I answered; she is +one of the best of mothers, and the best of women. She sighed, and a +tear started into her eye; I too was happy once, said she, when my +indulgent father lived. I hope, madam, Lady Grimston is to you, what my +good mother is to me. She shook her head: No, Miss Bidulph, it must be +but too obvious to you that she is not. I should not have introduced the +subject, if the cold severity of her looks were not so apparent that +you must have taken notice of them. My mother is, undoubtedly, a very +good woman; and you may naturally suppose, that my conduct has been such +as to deserve her frowns; I will therefore tell you my melancholy, +though short story. It is now about twelve years since Mr Vere paid his +addresses to me. He was the eldest son of a gentleman of family and +fortune, who then lived in this country. I was about sixteen, and the +darling of my father; who was perhaps the more indulgent to me, as he +knew my mother's severity. Mr Vere was but two years older than myself, +and a childish courtship had gone on for some time between us, before it +was suspected by any body; and to say the truth, before I was well aware +of the consequences myself. It happened, that an elderly gentleman of a +great estate, just at that time saw and liked me, and directly made +proposals to my mother, as she was very well known to hold the reins of +government in her family. + +This offer, I suppose, was advantageous; for she immediately consulted +my father upon it, or rather gave him to understand that she meant to +dispose of her daughter in marriage. + +My father, who had no objection to the match, told her he was very well +satisfied, provided I liked the gentleman; but said, he hoped she would +not think of putting any force on my inclinations. My eldest sister had +been married some time before by my mother's sole authority, and quite +contrary to her own liking; the marriage had not turned out happily, and +my father was resolved not to have me sacrificed in the same way. + +My mother told him, she was sorry he had such romantic notions, as to +think a girl of my age capable of having any ideas of preference for one +man more than another; that she took it for granted I had never presumed +to entertain a thought of any man as yet, and supposed her precepts had +not been so far thrown away upon me, as that I could let it enter into +my head that any thing but parental authority was to guide me in my +choice. + +My father, from the gentleness of his nature, had been so accustomed to +acquiesce, that he made no other reply than to bid my mother use her +discretion. He came directly to me notwithstanding, and told me what had +passed. It was then, for the first time, that I discovered I loved Mr +Vere. I burst into tears, and clinging round my father's neck, begged of +him to save me from my mother's rigour. My gesture and words were too +passionate for him not to perceive that there was something more at my +heart than mere dislike of the old man. He charged me to deal +sincerely. I loved him too well, and was myself too frank to do +otherwise. In short, I confessed my inclination for Mr Vere, and his +affection for me. + +Though my kind father chid me gently for admitting a lover without his +or my mother's approbation, yet at the same time he told me, he would +endeavour to dissuade her from prosecuting the other match; though he +could wish, he said, I would try to bring myself to accept of it; +adding, he was afraid my mother would be much incensed by a denial. + +My mother was fond of grandeur; and would not like to have me marry any +one, who could not at once make me mistress of a fine house, and a fine +equipage; which I knew I must not expect to be the case with Mr Vere. +His father had several children, and was very frugal in his temper: +besides, as he was but of the middle age, and of a very healthy +constitution, his son's prospect of possessing the estate was, to all +human appearance, at a very great distance. + +These discouragements, however, did not hinder me from indulging my +wishes. My father's tenderness was the foundation on which I built my +hopes. I told Mr Vere the designs of one parent, and the kind +condescension of the other. Emboldened by this information, he ventured +to disclose his love to my father, begging his interest with my mother +in his favour. He had a great kindness for the youth, and was so fond of +me, that he would readily have consented to my happiness, if the fear of +disobliging my mother had not checked him. He represented to her in the +mildest manner, the utter dislike I had expressed of the proposed match, +and conjured her not to insist on it. My mother, unused to be +controuled, was filled with resentment both against him and me; she +said, he encouraged me in my disobedience; and that, if he did not unite +his authority to hers, in order to compel me to marry the gentleman she +approved of, it would make a total breach between them. + +My good father, who loved my mother exceedingly, was alarmed at this +menace. Unwilling to come to extremities either with her or me, he was +at a loss how to act. His paternal love at length prevailed, and he +determined, at all events, to save me from the violence which he knew +would be put upon my heart. + +My mother had never condescended to talk to me on the subject: she +thought my immediate obedience ought to have followed the bare knowlege +of her will. She forbad me her sight, and charged me never to appear +before her, till I came with a determination to obey her. + +However severe this prohibition was, I yielded to it with the less +reluctance, as my father's tender love made me amends for my mother's +harshness. Perhaps, had she vouchsafed to reason a little with me, +tempering her arguments with a motherly kindness, she would have found +me as flexible as she could wish; but the course she took had a very +contrary effect. I thought myself persecuted, and that it was for the +honour of my love to persevere. On the other hand, my father's secret +indulgence encouraged me in the sentiments I entertained, and I now +determined, not only to refuse my old lover, but to have my young one. + +My mother had given me a stated time in which I was to come to a +resolution, and if I did not, at the expiration of it, acquiesce, I was +to be pronounced a reprobate, and to be no more considered as her child. +In this emergency I had recourse to my father. I told him there was +nothing which I was not ready to suffer, rather than marry the man I +hated: my greatest affliction was the uneasiness I saw him endure on my +account; for my mother reproached him daily with my obstinacy. + +My father said, he thought the alternative offered by my mother, was to +be avoided but in one way, and that was, by marrying Mr Vere; For, added +he, when she finds you resolute in your refusal of her choice, not even +my paternal authority will be able to screen you from her severity, and +your life will be made miserable, without your father's being able to +relieve you. On the other hand, when you are out of her house, she +cannot distress you, nor prevent me from doing you the justice which I +owe my child. Nay, possibly in time, I may be able to work out a +reconciliation between you; but she must not know that I was consenting +to this marriage, lest an irreconcileable quarrel should ensue. I fell +at my father's feet, and embraced his knees, for this tender and +unexpected proof of his affection. + +Mr Vere's father was no stranger to his son's attachment, and we were +very sure he would readily come into the proposal which my father +intended to make. + +The two parents had a meeting secretly, where all the terms of portion +and settlement were speedily and privately adjusted. Mr Vere the father, +who had been long intimate in our family, knew very well the necessity +there was for keeping the secret. After this, my lover and I were to be +married privately, without the knowlege, seemingly, of any one in either +family, excepting one of the Miss Veres, who was to be present; and +when the time of my probation was expired, my father was to let my +mother into the knowlege of this affair, as a thing he had just +discovered; and to pacify her anger as well he could. + +Every thing was conducted in the manner proposed. I was married with the +utmost privacy, and continued in my father's house till the day arrived, +when I was to give my definitive answer. + +Unfortunately for me, my mother chose to receive it from my own mouth, +and called me into her presence. I appeared before her trembling and +terrified: I had not seen her for a fortnight, and I was in dread, lest +the discovery I had to make, should banish me her sight perhaps for +ever, unless my father might influence her in time to forgive me. She +asked me, with a stern brow, What I had resolved on? I had not courage +to make her an answer, but burst into tears. She repeated her question; +and I could only reply, Madam, it is not in my _power_ to obey you. She +did not comprehend the meaning of my words, but imputing them to +obstinacy, commanded me to leave the room, and not to see her face till +I came to a proper sense of my duty; at the same time ordering me into +my chamber, where I was to be locked up. + +I flew to my father, and conjured him to let my mother know the truth at +once, that I might be no longer subject to such harsh treatment; for I +knew the being sent home to my husband would be the consequence of her +being told that I had one. + +My poor father was almost afraid to undertake the task, though he had +been the chief promoter of my marriage, and his authority ought to have +given sanction to it. He ventured however to let her know, that I had +confessed to him what my fears of her immediate resentment would not +suffer me to discover whilst I was in her presence; and what my aversion +to the man she proposed to me, and the rigours I had been threatened +with, if I refused him, had driven me to. The rage my mother flew into, +was little short of phrenzy, and my father made haste to send me out of +the house. + +Mr Vere's whole family received me with great tenderness; but I was +sorry at leaving my father, whose visits to me were made but seldom, and +even those by stealth. + +My situation, though I was united to the man I loved, and caressed by +all his family, was far from being happy. My mother's inflexible temper +was not to be wrought upon, notwithstanding my father did his utmost to +prevail on her to see and to forgive me; and she carried her resentment +so far, that she told my father, unless he cut me off entirely in his +will, she was determined to separate herself totally from him. This was +an extremity he by no means expected she would have gone to. + +In a fit of sickness, which had seized him a few years before, he had +left me ten thousand pounds; five of this he had secretly transferred to +Mr Vere on the day of my marriage, and had promised him to bequeath me +five more at his death. + +In consequence of this disposition, he purposed making a new will, so +that he the less scrupled giving my mother up the old one, with a +promise of making another agreeable to her request. + +My mother's jointure was already settled on her; my eldest sister had +received her portion; so that there was little bequeathed by this +testament, but my fortune, and a few other small legacies. + +My mother tore the will with indignation, and not satisfied with my +father's promise, insisted on his putting it into execution immediately. +In short, his easy temper yielded to her importunities, and he had a +will drawn up by her instructions, in which I was cut off with one +shilling, and my intended fortune bequeathed to my eldest sister. My +mother was made residuary legatee to every thing that should remain, +after paying all the bequests. This would have amounted to a +considerable sum, if the half of my portion, which was already paid +without her knowlege, had not made such a diminution in the personal +estate, that after paying my sister the whole of what was specified in +the will, there was scarce any thing likely to remain. + +Had my mother known this secret, she would not perhaps have been so +ready to have made my father devise all my intended fortune to my +sister. My father, who was aware of this, durst not however inform her +at that juncture, how much she hurt herself, by forcing him to such +measures. She insisted upon his leaving the whole of what he designed +for me to my eldest sister; as well as to convince him, she said, that +she had no self-interested views, as to be an example to other +rebellious children. + +My father had no remedy on these occasions, but a patient acquiescence: +the will was made, and my mother herself would keep it. + +My father took an opportunity the same day to inform me what he had +done, but assured me, he would immediately make another will, agreeable +to his first intentions, and leave it in the hands of a faithful friend. + +This was his design; but alas he lived not to execute it. He was seized +that night with a paralytic disorder, which at once deprived him of the +use of his limbs and his speech. They who were about him believed he +retained his senses, but he was not capable of making himself understood +even by signs. Alarmed with this dismal account of my beloved father's +situation, I flew to the house without considering my mother's +displeasure; but I was not permitted to see him. I filled the house with +my cries, but to no purpose; I had not the satisfaction of receiving +even a farewell look from him, which was all he was capable of bestowing +on me. + +He languished for several days in this melancholy condition, and then, +in spite of the aid of physic, expired. + +The loss of this dear father so entirely took up my thoughts, that I +never reflected on the loss of the remaining part of my fortune; but it +was not so with my father-in-law. There had been a settlement made on me +in consequence of the fortune promised; though not equal to what it +demanded, yet superior to the half which was paid. He relied on my +father's word for the remainder, and had no doubt of its being secured +to him, knowing his circumstances, as well as his strict integrity, and +that my sister had actually received the same fortune which I was +promised. + +Mr Vere had four daughters, and it was on this fortune he chiefly +depended to provide for them. + +The news of my being cut off with a shilling exceedingly surprized and +exasperated him. Unluckily I had not mentioned to him, nor even to my +husband, the will which my father had been obliged to make. The +assurances he gave me, of immediately making another in my favour, +prevented me; as I thought it would only be a very severe proof of my +mother's enmity to the family, which I could have wished to conceal from +them; especially as I did not imagine it would have affected me +afterwards. Mr Vere the elder was from home when my father died, and his +business detained him for more than a month after his funeral was over. +My husband, on this occasion, shewed the tender and disinterested love +he bore me; he affected to make as light as possible of this unexpected +disappointment, but at the same time expressed his uneasiness, lest his +father should carry matters to an extremity with my mother, from whom we +knew we were to expect nothing by mild methods. + +It was now thought adviseable, that I should write to my mother, to +condole with her on my father's death; again to intreat her forgiveness +of my fault, and, as some mitigation of it, to acknowlege that it was +not only with my father's privity, but even with his consent and +approbation, that I had married. + +I wrote this letter in a strain of the utmost humility, without +mentioning a word of my fortune; _that_ I thought it would be time +enough for me to do, if I could prevail on my mother to see me, and +would at all events come better from my husband or his father, than from +me. But I gained nothing by this, only some unkind reflections on my +father's memory, and a message, that since he thought proper to marry +his daughter in a manner so highly disagreeable to her mother, he should +have taken care of providing for her; as he could not expect a parent, +so disobliged as she had been, would take any notice of me. + +My mother had been left sole executrix to my father's forced will; and +she took care to put my sister, and the other legatees, into possession +of what was bequeathed to them in a very short time after his decease. +She found there was an unexpected deficiency in his personal fortune, +insomuch that there was barely enough to pay his debts; and that her +being left the residue, after the specified legacies were paid, amounted +to nothing. On the contrary, had my father's just intentions taken +place, in leaving me five thousand pounds, she would have come in for +the other five; but the whole ten thousand now went to my sister. + +She was not long however at a loss to know how this came to pass. Mr +Vere determined to assert his own, and his son's right; and being +exceedingly provoked at my mother's behaviour, wrote to her immediately +on his return home; and having informed her of the settlement made on +me, on account of the fortune already paid, and what was farther agreed +on to be paid by my father, told her, he expected that this promise +should be punctually fulfilled. He said, he knew she had it in her power +to do this; and since it was by her contrivance I had been robbed of my +just right, if honour, and the duty of a parent, would not induce her to +make me proper amends, she must excuse him, if he made use of such means +as the laws allowed him, in order to compel her. + +Such a letter, to a woman of my mother's temper, met with such a +reception as might be expected. She tore it before his messenger's face; +and desired him to tell his master, that as what he had already obtained +was by fraud, so he was at liberty to make use of force to recover the +remainder; but with her consent, he never should have a single +shilling. + +This exasperating reply, made my father-in-law directly commence a suit +against her, in which the other legatees were made parties. The distress +I felt on this occasion is scarce to be imagined; the breach was now so +widened between my mother and my husband's family, that there remained +not the least hope of its ever being closed. Mr Vere unwillingly joined +with his father in pursuit of these measures. He would for my sake much +rather have yielded up his expectations, than supported them at the +expence of my quiet; but his father's will, and justice to the rest of +his family, compelled him to proceed, and deprived me of any pretence +for interposing. + +The law-suit was carrying on with great acrimony on both sides, when an +event happened, that made me then, and has indeed ever since, look with +indifference on every thing in this life; it was the death of my +husband. He was snatched from me by a violent fever, before he reached +his twentieth year. + +I will not pretend to describe my sufferings to you on this sad +occasion; they were aggravated by my being near the time of lying-in. + +Whatever affliction Mr Vere felt for the death of his only son, it did +not make him forgetful of what he owed his daughters; and he was +resolved to carry on the law-suit with the utmost vigour. + +You may suppose the house wherein I had lost a beloved husband appeared +a dismal place to me, especially in my present situation. I thought too, +my father's looks began to grow colder to me than they used to be; and I +begged I might have his permission to remove for a while. He did not +oppose it, and I went, at the pressing intreaties of your favourite, the +good old dean, to his house; where he and his lady behaved to me with +more than parental tenderness. My health was in so declining a way, that +this worthy man (as I have since learned) made several applications to +my mother to see me, but without success. At length the hour of my +delivery arrived, and I was brought to-bed of a dead female child. The +estate, in case of Mr Vere's dying without issue, devolved on his +sisters; and I was in hopes that this circumstance, so favourable to the +young ladies, would have induced their father to have been less rigorous +in persisting in his claim. But in this I was deceived; he loved money, +and was besides full of resentment against my mother. I thought however +of an expedient, which I flattered myself might work upon him; and by +good fortune it succeeded. + +Mr Vere, though I had left his house, visited me constantly, and kept up +a shew of tenderness, which I am sure he had not in his heart. I told +him one day, whilst I was still confined to my bed, that as I had now +lost both my husband and my child, a very moderate income would be +sufficient for me; and that as I valued my mother's peace of mind, +beyond any selfish consideration, I was very willing to give up half my +jointure, provided he would drop his suit. Mr Vere seemed surprized at +the proposal: he said, he wondered I could be so blind to my own +interest, and that all he was doing was purely for my sake. I thanked +him for his pretended friendship, but assured him, he could serve me no +way so effectually, as by coming into the measure I proposed. Mr Vere +said, I talked like a child; but he would consider of it. The following +day he called on me again, and told me, that to make me easy, he was +willing to come into my proposal; that he would have the proper +instruments drawn, by which I would relinquish half my jointure; and he +in consequence to give up all claim on my father's estate. + +I was much better pleased, at this losing agreement, than if I had +acquired a large accession of fortune. + +Mr Vere soon got the proper deeds ready, and they were executed in form. + +I now relapsed into an illness, from which I was supposed to have been +quite recovered, and my life was thought in great danger. I have since +been told, that Mr Vere repented his agreement at that juncture, and +told some of his friends, that if he had not been so hasty, he should +have had a chance for my jointure and my fortune too. + +I begged of the dean to go to my mother, and use his last efforts on +her, to prevail with her to see me and forgive me before I died; at the +same time, I sent her the release I had procured from Mr Vere, which I +knew was the most acceptable present I could make her. The dean urged +the danger I was in, without its seeming to make much impression on her. +I am willing to believe, that she thought the dean exaggerated in his +account of my illness. He owned to me himself, that he was shocked to +find her so obdurate. At length, he took the paper out of his pocket, +and presenting it to her, I am sorry, madam, said he, I cannot prevail +with you to act like a parent or a christian; your daughter I fear will +not survive her present malady; but she will have the comfort to +consider, that she has left nothing unattempted to obtain that +forgiveness, which you so cruelly deny her. I hope, lady Grimston, your +last hours may be as peaceful, as hers I trust will be from this +reflection. There, madam--she has by that instrument left you +disengaged from a troublesome and vexatious law-suit, that would, if +pursued, infallibly turn out to your disadvantage; it was all she +_could_ do, and what few children, used like her, _would_ have done. + +My mother, a great deal alarmed at the dean's manner of speaking, now +examined the contents of the paper. She seemed affected, and called him +back, as he was just leaving the room. She told him, she was not lost to +the feelings of nature; and that if he thought her presence would +contribute to ease my mind of the remorse it must needs labour under, +she was not against seeing me. + +The good man, glad to find her in this yielding disposition, told her +she could not too soon execute her intention; and pressed her to come to +his house directly. She suffered him to put her into his coach, and he +carried her home with him. The interview, on my side, was attended with +tears of joy, tenderness, and contrition. My mother did not depart from +her usual austerity; she gave me but her hand to kiss, and pronounced +her forgiveness and her blessing in so languid a manner, as greatly +damped the fervor of my joy. + +She staid with me not more than a quarter of an hour, and having talked +of indifferent things, without once so much as mentioning what I had +done, she took a cold and formal leave. + +This interview, as little cordial as my mother's behaviour was to me, +had so good an effect on me, that I began perceptibly to mend from that +hour. She sent indeed constantly to enquire how I did; but avoided +coming, lest, as she said, she should meet with Mr Vere, whom she could +never forgive. As soon as I was in a condition to go abroad, I went to +pay my duty to her. She received me with civility, but no tenderness; +nor has she ever from that time made me the least recompence for what I +have lost; her permitting me to see her, she thinks sufficient amends. + +I did not chuse to return to Mr Vere's house, as I had only a polite, +not a kind invitation. One of his daughters, she who had been present at +my marriage, and who always had shewn most affection towards me, was +about this time married to a gentleman, whose estate lay in another +country. When the bride went home, she pressed me to go with her so +warmly, that I could not refuse her; and during the time I staid with +her, I received so many marks of tenderness from her, that I resolved to +settle in her neighbourhood; and have now a little house near her, where +I have resided constantly ever since. I come once or twice a year to pay +a visit to my mother, but my reception, as you may see, is always cold, +and I seldom stay more than a few days. + +Old Mr Vere is dead; and his daughters, who were coheiresses to his +estate, are all married, so that the family is intirely dispersed; but +notwithstanding this, and the number of years that have passed over +since my marriage, my mother cannot yet endure the name of the family: +and always, as you may have observed, calls me by my maiden name. + +I was much affected at the story of the amiable Mrs Vere. The sweet +melancholy, which predominates in her countenance, shews that the +spirits, when broken in the bud of youth, are hardly to be recovered. +What a tyrant this lady Grimston is! I did not admire her before, but I +now absolutely dislike her. What a wife and a mother has she been to a +husband and a daughter, who might have constituted the happiness of a +woman of a different temper! And yet she passes for a wonderful good +woman, and a pattern of all those virtues of a religion, which meekness +and forgiveness characterise. She is mistaken, if she thinks that +austerity is necessary to christianity. The most that my charity allows +me to believe of such people is, that they impose on _themselves_, at a +time when the most discerning perhaps think that they are endeavouring +to impose on others. + +What an angel is my good mother, when compared to this her friend, whom +her humility makes her look upon as her superior in virtue! I am very +angry with Sir George, who in his resentment, said to me once, that she +was like lady Grimston. I then knew but little of that lady's character, +or I should have reproved him for it. + +I conjured Mrs Vere to make her visit longer than she had at first +intended. She told me, she would most gladly do it; but that it was a +liberty she did not dare to take, unless her mother asked her to prolong +it; which, she said, she possibly might do, in complaisance to me. + + + _September 4_ + +My mother I find has made lady Grimston her confidant in relation to my +affairs; the dear woman never keeps her mind to herself on any subject. +Lady Grimston highly applauds her conduct in that business; and bestowed +a few civil words on me for my filial duty, intermixed with an +ungrateful comparison of her own daughter's behaviour. And she condoled +with herself, by saying, that _good parents_ had not always _good +children_. She told my mother, that she wished to see the child (meaning +me) happily disposed of; for that, notwithstanding the prudence of my +behaviour, the world would be apt to cast reflections on me, on account +of the abruptness with which the match was broken off, without the true +reasons being known: and my illness, she said, might be imputed to the +disappointment; which might incline people to suspect the rejection had +been on Mr Faulkland's side. What a provoking hint was this my dear! it +has really alarmed my mother, who depends much on the judgment of her +friend, and has at the same time so nice a regard to the honour of her +family. I wish that formal old woman would mind her own business. + + + _September 6_ + +My mother and lady Grimston have had abundance of private confabulation +these two days, from which Mrs Vere and I are excluded. I wish there may +not be some mischief a brewing. One thing, however, has given me +pleasure; lady Grimston has invited her daughter to stay at +Grimston-hall as long as my mother and I continue here. + +Mrs Vere tells me, she suspects the subject of their conferences; but +she is perverse, and will not tell me what she thinks, for fear, as she +says, she should have guessed wrong, and her surmises would only teaze +me. + + + _September 10_ + +A packet sent me from London--A letter from Sir George--one from my +Cecilia--and so soon too! Welcome, welcome, thou faithful messenger, +from the faithfullest of hearts! + +Thou dear anticipating little prophetess! What put it into thy head to +call Mr Arnold a new conquest, upon my but barely mentioning him to you? +I was just going to tell you all; and behold your own whimsical +imagination has suggested the most material part to you already. You +desire me to be sincere: was that necessary, my sister, from _you_ to +_me_? You say, you are _sure Mr Arnold is, or will be my lover_, and +insist on my being more particular in my description of him. What a +strange girl you are! again I ask you, What put this into your head? +What busy little spirit of intelligence flew to you with the news before +I knew it myself? For as to the fact, it is but too certain. + +This has been the subject of my mother's and lady Grimston's private +conferences; and Mrs Vere (sly thing as she is) guessed it. It seems Mr +Arnold disclosed his passion to lady Grimston, in order to ask her +advice about it. She loves mightily to be consulted; and ill-starred as +I am, did me the honour to recommend me strongly to him; and she has +prepossessed my mother too in favour of this new man. I wish the +meddling old dame had been dumb. Now shall I go through another fiery +tryal! Heaven help me, if lady Grimston were to be my judge! But my +mother is all goodness. + +Well, but you want a description of this man. I will give it to you, +though I have scarce patience to write about him. Indeed, Cecilia, I am +vexed; I foresee a great deal of trouble from that quarter.--But come, I +will try what I can say. + +The man is about thirty, genteel, and handsome enough; at least he is +reckoned so, and I believe I should think him so, if I were not angry +with him. He is very like your brother Henry; and you know he is an +allowed handsome man. He seems to have plain good sense, and is good +humoured I believe: I do not know of what colour his eyes are, for I +never looked much at him. Lady Grimston says he is a _scholar_ (a thing +she pretends to value highly), and a mighty sober, pious, worthy +gentleman. He is of a very good family; and has an estate of about +fifteen hundred pounds a year, upon which there is a jointure of three +hundred pounds a year, paid to his brother's widow. Part of the estate +is in Kent, and part in this county of Essex, where he has a +mansion-house, a well-enough looking old-fashioned place, something in +the Grimston-hall stile, at about a mile distance from this; where he +passes most of his time. + +I have told you already, he plays divinely on several instruments; this +is the only circumstance about him that pleases me. + +He has not yet made his addresses to me in form; yet we all know that he +intends it, from his uncommon assiduity towards me; but he has a sort of +reserve about him, and loves to do every thing in his own way. + +Bless me!--here he is--his chariot has just driven into the court; and +Mrs Vere peeps in upon me, and with a most vexatious archness, bids me +come down to the parlour; but I will not, unless my mother desires me. I +will go into the garden, to be for a while out of the way. + + + _September 11_ + +Yesterday evening was productive of nothing but looks and compliments, +and bows, and so forth; except two or three delightful pieces of musick, +which he executed incomparably. But, this morning, my Cecilia, Oh! this +morning! the man spoke out, told me in down-right plain English, that he +loved me! How insipid is such a declaration, when it comes from one, +who is indifferent to us! I do not know how it was, but instead of being +abashed, I could have smiled in his face when he declared himself; but +you may be sure I did not, that would not have been pretty. + +I was sitting in the little drawing-room, reading, when he came in. To +be sure he was sent to me by the ancient ladies, otherwise he would not +have intruded; for the man is not ill-bred. The book happened to be +Horace; upon his entering the room, I laid it by; he asked me politely +enough, what were my studies. When I named the author, he took the book +up, and opening the leaves, started, and looked me full in the face; I +coloured. My charming Miss Bidulph, said he, do you prefer this to the +agreeable entertainment of finishing this beautiful rose here, that +seems to blush at your neglect of it? He spoke this, pointing to a +little piece of embroidery that lay in a frame before me. I was nettled +at the question, it was too assuming. Sir, I hope I was as innocently, +and as usefully employed; and I assure you I give a greater portion of +my time to my needle, than to my book. + +You are so lovely, madam, that nothing you can do needs an apology. An +apology, I'll assure you! did not this look, my dear, as if the man +thought I ought to beg his pardon for understanding Latin? For this +accidental, and I think (to a woman) trivial accomplishment, I am +indebted, you know, to Sir George; who took so much pains with me, the +two or three summers he was indisposed at Sidney Castle. + +He then proceeded to tell me how much he admired, how much he loved me! +and that having been encouraged by lady Grimston's assuring him that I +was disengaged (observe that), he presumed to tell me so. Oh! thought I, +perhaps thou are thyself a Grimstonian, and do not think it necessary +that the heart should be consulted. I answered him mighty civilly, and +mighty little to the purpose. Sir, I thank you for your favourable +sentiments--Lady Grimston does me a great deal of honour--I think myself +happy in her good opinion--But he was not to be so put off, he pressed +me to give him hopes, as he called it. Alas! I have no hopes to give +him. He said, he would not presume to mention his love to my mother, +though Lady Grimston pressed him to it (it was like her), till he had +first declared himself to me. This was not indelicate; my heart thanked +him for it, though I only returned him a bow. We were seasonably (to me +at least) interrupted here, by the arrival of my friend the dean. He had +come to see lady Grimston, just as Mr Arnold had entered into +conversation with me; the old gentleman had a mind to walk in the +garden; the little drawing-room, where we were, opened into it, by a +glass door; so that lady Grimston and my mother were obliged to bring +him that way. Though I was glad that the conversation was broke off, yet +I could have wished that I had first had an opportunity of throwing a +little cold water on Mr Arnold's _hopes_, lest he should have put too +favourable an interpretation on the reception I gave him, and mention +the thing to my mother, before I had time to speak to her. + +I was in some confusion at their entering the room. Mr Arnold had at +that time laid hold of one of my hands, and I had but just time to +withdraw it, when the door flew open to give entrance to the two ladies +and the good man: the latter lifting up both his hands, as if conscious +of having done something wrong, with a good-humoured freedom, asked +pardon; but with a look that seemed to indicate, he thought the apology +necessary both to Mr Arnold and me. This disconcerted me more; my mother +smiled, and lady Grimston drew up her long neck, and winked at the dean. +I took up my hat, that lay in a window, without well-knowing what I did, +and said, I would wait on them into the garden. Mr Arnold followed my +example; but looked at me, I do not know how--impertinently--as if he +thought I did not dislike him. I took one turn with them, and then +slipped away, under pretence of going in to dress. I ran directly into +Mrs Vere's room, and told her what had passed between Mr Arnold and me. +She laughed, and said, she could have told me long ago it would have +come to that. I knew Mr Arnold admired you, said she, the first time I +saw you in his company; he is no contemptible conquest I can tell you. +He assured my mother, that you were the only woman he ever saw in his +life that had made an impression on him; and I am inclined to believe +him, for he is not a man of an amorous complexion; nor did I ever hear +of his making his addresses to any one, though he might have his choice +of the best fortunes, and the best families in the country; for the +ladies, I must inform you, admire him exceedingly; and when you are +known to be his choice, you will be the envy of all the young women in +the country. I sighed, (I don't know why) and said, I desired not to +create envy on that account. Mrs Vere said, why really Miss Bidulph, if +your heart is at liberty, I know of no man more worthy of it than Mr +Arnold; but perhaps (looking with a kind earnestness on me) that may not +be your case. I told her, my heart was not engaged (as it really is not; +for indeed, Cecilia, I do not think of Mr Faulkland); but that I did +not find in myself any great inclination towards Mr Arnold. Oh! my dear, +said she, if you find no disinclination, it is enough. I married for +love, yet I was far from being happy. The vexation that I occasioned in +my own and my husband's family, was a counter-ballance to the +satisfaction of possessing the man I loved. Mr Arnold, besides being +very amiable in his person, has good sense, and good temper; and if you +marry him with nothing more than indifference, gratitude will soon +produce love in such a breast as yours. Were there anything like +aversion in your heart, then indeed it would be criminal in you to +accept of him. + +Mrs Vere delivered her sentiments with such a calm sweetness, such a +disinterested sincerity, that what she said made an impression on me. We +are apt, contrary as it may seem to reason, to be more wrought upon by +the opinion and advice of young people like ourselves, than by that of +persons, whose experience certainly gives them a better right to form +judgments: but we have a sort of a natural repugnance to the being +dictated to, even by those who have an authority to do it; and as age +gives a superiority, every thing that comes from it carries a sort of +air of prescribing, which we are wonderfully inclined to reject. + +Had lady Grimston said this to me, it would have put me upon my guard, +as suspecting a design on my liberty of choice. Even my good mother +might have been listened to on this subject not without uneasiness; +though my duty to her would not suffer me to give her a moment's pain, +unless I was sure that my eternal as well as temporal happiness was at +stake. I told Mrs Vere that I had no aversion to Mr Arnold; on the +contrary that if I had a sister, I should wish her married to him. Now, +my Cecilia, the mischief of it is, there _can_ be no reasonable +objection made to him: he is a very tolerable man; but I knew a man once +that I liked better--but fye fye upon him! I am sure I ought not to like +him, and therefore I will not. I am positive, if I were let alone, I +should be as happy as ever. + +I told you I got a letter from my brother; he says in it, he has had one +from Mr Faulkland, who is now in your part of the world. He tells Sir +George, that 'if my lady Bidulph will be so good as to see Miss B. and +converse with her, he is not without hopes that she may so far exculpate +him, as to induce my lady to repeal his sentence of banishment.' Sir +George adds his own wishes for this, but says (to give you _his_ words) +he fears the wench will not be honest enough to do Faulkland +justice--Justice! what can my brother mean by this? How ungenerous +these men are, even the best of them, in love matters! He knows the poor +girl doats on her destroyer, and might perhaps take shame to _herself_, +rather than throw as much blame on him as he deserves. I think this is +all the justice that can be expected from her; and how poor an +extenuation would this make of his guilt! It would only add to the merit +of _her_ sufferings, without lessening his fault. + +To what purpose then would it be? I know my mother's sentiments already +on that head. I would not shew Sir George's letter to her, he had said +so many ridiculous things about lady Grimston in it, which I know would +have offended her highly; otherwise, on account of Mr Faulkland's +paragraph, I should have been glad she had seen it. + + + _September 12_ + +Ah! my sister! my friend! What shall I do? Oh! that officious lady +Grimston--What ill star drove me to her house? Nothing would serve her +but she must know what Mr Arnold said to me in the drawing-room +conference; and how I had behaved. She made her enquiry before my mother +and the dean, after I had left them in the garden. What could the man +do? He had no reason to conceal what passed, and frankly owned he had +made me an offer of his heart. Well, and how did Miss receive it, asked +lady Grimston? With that modesty and polite sweetness that she does +every thing, answered Mr Arnold. He could say no less, you know. + +He thence took occasion to apply particularly to my mother, apologizing +at the same time for his not having done it before. What the +self-sufficient creature added, I know not; for my mother, from whom I +had this account, did not repeat all he said; but it seems it was enough +to make her imagine I had not heard him reluctantly, and accordingly she +gave him her permission to win me and wear me. + +I could cry for very vexation, to be made such a puppet of. This +eclaircissement I dreaded before I had time to explain myself to my +mother. That best of women, still anticipating what I had to say, +congratulated me on my extraordinary prudence, in not letting a childish +misplaced attachment keep such a hold on my heart, as to make me blind +to the merits of a more deserving object. + +Dear madam, said I, sure Mr Arnold did not say that I had encouraged his +addresses. Encouraged, my dear! why sure the hearing, from a young lady +of your education, is encouragement enough to a man of sense.--I heard +him with complaisance, madam, because I thought _that_ due to him; that +it was my wish to remain single, at least for some time. My mother +looked surprized. 'Sidney, this is not what I expected from you; I +flattered myself you thought no longer of Mr Faulkland.' + +She contracted her brow a little. Madam, I do not; indeed I think no +more of him; but may I not be permitted to continue as I am? + +Had you never had any engagement with Mr Faulkland, answered my mother, +I should be far from urging you on this occasion; but, circumstanced as +you now, are, I think your honour is concerned. + +Lady Grimston has put your affair in such a light to me, as I never +considered it in before. How mortifying must the reflection be, my dear, +to think that it may be said Mr Faulkland perhaps flew off, from some +disadvantageous circumstance he discovered in regard to you. The world +wants not envious malicious tongues enough to give it this turn. Your +unlucky illness, and your brother's ill-timed assiduity in going so +often to him when he was at Richmond, looks as if we had been +endeavouring to recall him. Every body knows the marriage was almost +concluded; and Lady Grimston, though she thinks our reasons for breaking +it off were extremely cogent, yet as she knows the world well, thinks it +has not virtue enough to believe those to be the true reasons, and that +it will be much more apt to put an invidious construction on the affair, +that may be very detrimental to you in your future prospects. These +considerations alone ought to determine you; but there is one still of +greater moment, which I hope, from the goodness of your heart, will have +still greater weight with you. That unfortunate young lady, who _ought_ +to be the wife of Mr Faulkland, if you were once put beyond the reach +even of his most distant hope, would stand the better chance for having +justice done to her; at least it would leave him void of that pretence +which he at first pleaded, and which probably he will continue to do, +while you remain single. Think seriously of the matter, my love. I shall +only add, that Mr Arnold is every way an unexceptionable match, and that +your acceptance of him will be extremely agreeable to me; as, on the +contrary, your refusal will give an uneasiness to your indulgent mother, +which she never yet experienced from you. + +She left me with these cruel words, cruel in their kindness--Oh! she +knows I am flexible by nature, and to _her_ will, yielding as air. What +can I do? My heart is not in a disposition to love--Yet again and again +I repeat it, Mr Faulkland has no interest there. What he once had he has +lost; but I cannot compel it to like, and unlike, and like anew at +pleasure. Fain would I bring myself chearfully to conform to my mother's +will, for I have no will of my own. I never knew what it was to have +one, and never shall, I believe; for I am sure I will not contend with a +husband. + +I have told Mrs Vere what my mother said to me; she is intirely of her +mind; every body is combined against me; I am treated like a baby, that +knows not what is fit for it to chuse or to reject. + + + _September 15_ + +I have been searching my heart, my dear Cecilia, to try if there +remained a lurking particle of my former flame unextinguished; a flame I +call it, as we are allowed the metaphor, but it never rose to _that_; it +was but a single ray, a gentle glow that just warmed my breast without +scorching: what it might have arisen to I will not say; but I have the +satisfaction to find, that the short-lived fire is quite extinct, and +the mansion is even chilled with cold. + +This was a very necessary scrutiny, before I would even entertain a +thought of Mr Arnold; and believe me, had I found it otherwise than I +say, I would rather have hazarded my mother's displeasure by owning the +truth to her, than injure any man, by giving him my hand with an +estranged heart. + +I will acknowlege to you, my sister, that it was not without a struggle +I reduced my mind to this frame. My heart (foolish thing) industrious to +perplex itself, would fain have suggested some palliating circumstances +in Mr Faulkland's favour; but I forbid it to interpose. Trifler, said I, +let your guardian, your proper guide, judge and determine for you in +this important cause, whereupon so much of your future peace depends. It +sighed, but had the virtue to submit; and I arraigned Faulkland before a +little tribunal in my breast, where I would suffer reason only to +preside. The little felon, love, knocked at the door once or twice, but +justice kept him out; and after a long (and I think a fair) trial, he +was at length cast; and in order to strengthen my resolves, and justify +my mother's, as well as my own conduct, these are the arguments which I +have deduced from the evidences against him. + +If Mr Faulkland feared the frailty of his virtue, why did he not fly +when he was first alarmed with the knowlege of the lady's passion for +him? If not for his own sake, yet at least for her's. If he could not +return her love, was he not cruel in suffering her to feed a hopeless +flame? But since his evil fate urged him on, and the unhappy girl lost +her honour, was he not bound to repair it? He had never seen me at that +time, was under no personal engagements to me, and might easily have +acquitted himself to my brother, from so justifiable a motive. + +What if I had married him, ignorant of this secret, and it had +afterwards come to my ears, how miserable would it have made me, to +think that I had stood between an unfortunate young creature and her +happiness? For had Mr Faulkland never heard of me, had he not been +prejudiced in my favour, this young woman's beauty and innocence (which +he acknowleges) might have then engaged his honest vows; the wicked aunt +would not have been tempted to betray her trust, nor he (shocking +thought! whenever it recurs) to buy that favour he might have obtained +on virtuous terms. His prior engagements to my brother was the final +plea that undid them both! Had he not been furnished with this excuse, +her hopes might have supported her virtue; or, if ignorant of this, she +fell, what pretence could he offer, after the injury _was_ done, for not +fulfilling an obligation of so much importance? I could not have +suffered by not obtaining a man I never saw; Miss B. is undone by losing +him: Yet his word to Sir George, the breach of which could have been +attended with no ill consequence, was to be preferred to an act of +justice. This is that false honour upon which the men pique themselves +so much. An innocent child stigmatized; an amiable woman abandoned to +shame and grief! I thank Heaven I made not myself accessary to this. +_Had_ I married Mr Faulkland, _knowing_ his fault, I could not say so, +nor have blamed any thing but my own imprudence, if _I_ in my turn found +myself deserted. Who knows but he might (after having bound me in +chains), return to his neglected mistress; and _that_ love, which, when +it would have been meritorious in him, he disrelished, he might have +pursued with eagerness when interdicted. This might have been the case. +I believe you may remember an instance of it among our own acquaintance. +Mr Saunders, who refused a young lady for his bride, from an absolute +dislike of her person, took uncommon pains to debauch her when she +became the wife of his friend. Had Mr Faulkland so behaved, what a +wretch it would have made me! You know I have not a grain of jealousy in +my composition, yet I am sure a neglect of this kind would make me very +miserable. + +You have not forgot, I believe, that about two years ago there was a +match proposed to my mother by the bishop of B. between me and his +nephew. The young man was heir to a good fortune, was reckoned handsome +and accomplished, and I think he really was so: I was intirely free from +prepossessions in favour of any one, and had no objection to him, but +that I knew he had a most lamentably-vulnerable heart, for he had been +in love with two or three women of my acquaintance. My mother mentioned +him to me upon the good old prelate's recommendation, and I gave her +this as my reason for disliking the offer, which she approved of so +intirely, that the thing went no farther. Indeed I think that woman is a +fool, who risques her contentment with one of a light disposition. +Marriage will not change men's natures; and it is not every one who has +virtue or prudence enough to be reclaimed. Upon the whole, I am +satisfied with my lot; and am sure I could hear with pleasure, that Mr +Faulkland was married to that Miss B. I wish I knew the other letters +that compose her name. + + + _September 16_ + +My mother asked me to-day, Had I considered of what she had been saying +to me? I told her I had, and only begged a little more time. She kissed +me, with tears in her eyes. To be sure, my dear, as much as you can +reasonably desire. I know my Sidney is above trifling. Mrs Vere was +present when my mother left the room. Oh! Miss Bidulph, said she, who +would refuse to gratify such a parent as that? Had _my_ mother +condescended to treat me so, I am sure she could have wrought on me to +do any thing she liked, even though it had been repugnant to my +inclination. Dear madam, I replied, how sweetly you inforce my +duty--Yes, I will obey that kindest best of mothers. I believe I spoke +this, tho' without intending it, in a tone that implied something like +making a merit of this concession; for Mrs Vere immediately answered, +There's a good child! that, to oblige its mamma, will accept of a very +handsome young gentleman, with a good estate, and one that many a girl +in England would give her eyes for. I felt the rebuke; but turning it +off with a smile, said, but you forget, my dear, that I am not dying for +him. + + + _September 20_ + +How will you plume yourself on your sagacity, Cecilia, when you read +this account of my love, which you so wisely foretold? I can tell you I +am trying to like Mr Arnold as fast as I can; I make him sing and play +for this purpose from morning till night, for he is here every day and +all day. Lady Grimston holds her head a quarter of a yard higher than +she did before; and looks, as who should say, it was _I_ that brought +this about. The dean is as frolick as May-day upon it; for he is very +fond of Mr Arnold; but tells him he will not forgive him for robbing him +of his second wife; for such, he says, he intended me. I think his +daughter (a pretty girl of about seventeen) looks a little grave of +late. I hope she does not like Mr Arnold herself. I wish my mother would +take it into her head that she was in love with him, and that Mr Arnold +had promised to marry her; then should I a second time crown me with a +willow garland. But there is no fear of this, or rather no hope. + +Lady Grimston has given my mother _such_ a character of Mr Arnold, that +if you will take her word for it, there is not a man like him in the +world; and my mother firmly believes every syllable she says. She told +me to day she would write to Sir George, to give him an account of the +matter, and desire his advice. This is a compliment she would not omit +paying, for any consideration, tho' I know my brother's judgment has now +lost all credit with her; and that, let his opinion be what it will, she +is firmly resolved on her new plan. Knowing as you do my mother's +firmness, when once she is possessed with a thing, you will not wonder +that I did not make attempts to alter her mind, which I knew would be +fruitless. She likes Mr Arnold prodigiously; she piques herself on her +skill in physiognomy, and says, if she is deceived in this gentleman, +she will never again rely on that science. Lady Grimston is so fond of +him, that I wonder she did not marry him herself. + + + _September 23_ + +We have received two letters from Sir George; one in answer to my +mother's letter, the other to me. I will give them both to you: the +following is a copy of that to my mother. + + Madam, + + I thank you for the honour you do me in asking my advice, in + regard to the proposal of marriage you have received for my + sister; but I am entirely disqualified from giving you any, as I + am an absolute stranger both to the person and character of the + gentleman you mention; and know no more of him, than that I have + heard there _is_ such a person, who has some estate in the county + where you now you are. + + As you are absolute mistress of your daughter's will, as well as + of her person, I shall not presume to interfere in this nice + point. If the marriage is not _already_ agreed upon (which may be + the case, notwithstanding the compliment you do me the favour to + pay me), I think it would be generous in you to see Miss B. and + hear what she has to say, before you proceed farther; but in this, + as in every thing else, your own discretion must guide you. + + I am, + Madam, + Your affectionate son, + and most obedient servant, + GEORGE BIDULPH. + + _London, + Sept. 22._ + +My mother was exceedingly displeased with this letter. She said Sir +George had a haughtiness in him that was very offensive to her. I have +acquitted myself in applying to him, and shall give myself no farther +trouble about him or his opinion. As for Miss B. I think she can hardly +be under a necessity of coming to town as yet, and that affair may keep +cold, for I have but little curiosity to hear what the poor Soul may be +prompted to say, as I am sure I shall be time enough to afford her any +assistance she may stand in need of. This was the whole of her +observation. My brother's letter to me is as follows: + + Dear Sidney, + + I received with concern (though I own not with surprize) an + account from my mother, of a new treaty of marriage that is on + foot between you and a Mr Arnold, of whom I know nothing. Instead + of congratulating you upon this occasion, I cannot help condoling + with you; for I have a better opinion of your heart than to + suppose it can have so soon renounced poor Faulkland. I do not + reproach you for your acquiescence in giving him up: I _know_ you + could not do otherwise; but why in the name of precipitancy are + you to be hurried into wedlock already? You went into the country + to recover your health, I thought; prithee, how comes this new + husband into your way? I know, child, it is not of your seeking, + and do from my heart pity you. + + I would by no means have you guilty of a breach of duty to our + mother; but for Heaven's sake, why don't you try your influence + over her, to have this sudden scheme of matrimony suspended, till + she sees and talks to this girl that Faulkland refers her to? If + the wench owns that he was not to blame so much as she herself + was, and relinquishes all pretensions to him, don't you think she + (my mother I mean) would in that case remain bound in honour to + yield you to his prior claim? + + Indeed, Sidney, I must blame you for this part of your conduct; it + looks like a strange insensibility in you. + + I know you will urge your perfect submission to your mother's + will; and I know too, that _will_ is as absolute as that of an + Eastern monarch. I therefore repeat it, I do not mean to reproach + you with your compliance, but I am vexed to the heart, and must + give it vent. + + I see plainly that old piece of formality, lady Grimston's + infernal shrivelled paw in all this. For my mother of herself, I + am sure, would not have thought of disposing of you, without your + liking, so soon after an affair that had created you so much + uneasiness, unless it had been suggested to her by somebody. + Prithee tell me what sort of man this Arnold really is, for I do + not depend on the partial representations I have had of him. + + I wish Miss B. were come to town, but she is not yet arrived. I + enquired for her of Faulkland's housekeeper, by the name of + Jefferis. The woman is at the house at Putney waiting to receive + her, but does not know how soon she will come. Would she had been + buried before Faulkland saw her! + + I shall expect a letter from you soon. How comes it that you never + mentioned Mr Arnold to me in any that you have writ? But I excuse + you, and am + + Your affectionate brother, + G.B. + _London, Sept. 22._ + +You see this is Sir George himself, my dear, a mixture of petulancy and +indelicacy. There is one thing in him, however, commendable; his steady +adherence to his friend's interests. You find how impossible for me it +is to shew such a letter to my mother: by his strange unguarded manner +of writing, which he does not consider, he defeats his own purposes; for +if any use could be made of that part of his letter relative to Miss B. +I could not shew my mother part, without letting her see the whole: but +that is not to be done; and I can only thank my good fortune that I +received this, and the last letter from him, without her knowlege. + +I will now give you my answer to this letter, which I wrote, by the +return of the post. + + Dear Brother, + + I thank you for your condolements, but can assure you my heart is + not in such a situation as to require any. I own I had all the + esteem for Mr Faulkland, which I thought his merit deserved. Duty + to my good mother, and an undeniable blemish in his character, + first wrought a change in my sentiments towards him: my own peace + of mind now requires me to improve that change into indifference. + + You do me justice in supposing that I should never think of + seeking a husband; and you have formed as right a judgment in + regard to lady Grimston's being the promoter of this union. As for + Mr Arnold, though perhaps (had I never known your friend) he might + not have been the man of my choice, yet have I no dislike to him. + I believe him to be a very worthy gentleman; and that my mother + has not been partial in her representations. I am sure, at least, + she has said nothing of him but what she has seen, or been told, + and has good reason to believe. + + I wish, dear brother, you had writ with more caution, that I might + have laid before my mother what you said in relation to Miss B. It + may have its weight with me, though I cannot answer for its having + any with her. Do you forget her having told me, that she conceived + a sort of horror at the thoughts of my marrying Mr Faulkland? She + cannot but be sensible, that Miss B. is not without her share of + blame in that affair, which has so perplexed us all. But you know + too that does not exculpate Mr Faulkland. The young lady's + relinquishing her hopes (for a claim I think she does not make), + would only the more excite my mother's compassion, and interest + her in her favour. To sum up the whole in one word, my mother is + resolved, and you yourself acknowlege that her will is absolute. + She has used the most irresistible argument to obtain my consent, + _viz._ that it would make _her_ happy. Spare then, my dear + brother, unkind reflections on any part of my behaviour; for I am + determined to pursue, through life, that rule of conduct, which I + have hitherto invariably adhered to; I mean that of preferring to + my own the happiness of those who are most dear to me. + + I am, &c. + + + _September 25_ + +Mr Arnold has so many advocates here, that his interest cannot fail of +being promoted. Mrs Vere admires him; the Dean commends him; my mother +praises him; lady Grimston extols him to the skies. No one is silent, +but the young girl that I mentioned to you before; she only colours and +hangs down her head when he is spoken of. I really begin to fear that +the poor thing loves him; but he never made any addresses to her, and I +hope does not suspect it. + +Things are now gone so far, that my mother and lady Grimston talked to +day of settlements. Mr Arnold receives but twelve hundred pounds a year +from his estate; his brother's widow, as I have already told you, having +a jointure upon it of three hundred pounds a year. She lives intirely in +London, and is, I am told, a very imprudent woman, and not at all +esteemed by the family. The elder Mr Arnold and she were married several +years, but never had a child; the last two years of his life his wife +and he lived separate, her conduct having given room for some +suspicions, very injurious to her husband's honour. + +The Arnold estate was originally a very considerable one, but has been +dissipated by the extravagance of the successive possessors. What +remains, however, is quite clear, and is likely to be kept so by the +good management of the present owner. His late brother was exceedingly +remiss in his affairs, and spent most of his time in London; and if it +had not been for Mr Arnold, the mansion-house would have fallen to the +ground; but his brother lent it to him, and he kept it in repair for his +own use, as he is fond of the place: though he has a pretty house in +Kent, belonging to another estate of about three hundred pounds a year, +which came to him by his mother, for he is the son of a second marriage. +And this, till his brother's death, was the whole of his income; but he +is so good an oeconomist, that he always made a genteeler figure on his +three hundred pounds a year, than his brother did on twelve. + +My mother, who you know is integrity itself, thinks that I ought not to +have more settled on me than the widow of Mr Arnold's brother had, whose +fortune was superior to mine. Mr Arnold makes a much handsomer proposal; +lady Grimston is for laying hold of it. The Dean was for striking a +medium. I do not care how they settle it; but I fancy my mother will +have her own way in this. + +She purposes going to town next week, that the wedding--(bless me! +whose wedding is it that I am talking of so coolly?) well--that it may +be celebrated in her own house. This to be sure will send Sir George +directly out of it. I cannot help it; I am born to give, and to receive +vexation. + +Mr Arnold speaks of taking a house in London, where my mother is to have +an apartment whenever she chuses to be in town. This is a pleasing +circumstance to me; and she likewise proposes our being sometimes with +her at Sidney-castle. That is a prospect which loses much of its charms, +by the reflection that my dear Cecilia is not there. + + + _October 1_ + +All preliminaries are settled. There has been a fuss with parchments +this week past. My mother has carried her point, in regard to the +jointure; and has made choice of that little estate in Kent to be +settled on me, as it is a complete three hundred pounds a year, detached +intirely from the rest, and has a pretty house on it. This was all she +would accept of, though, to do Mr Arnold justice, he would have been +much more liberal; but, my mother says, a single woman, bred in +retirement as I have been, who cannot live on that, does not deserve to +live at all; adding, that as the estate was already subject to one +jointure, and the widow so young a woman; if it should be also my +misfortune to become one early, a great part of the fortune would be +swallowed by dowagers, and the heir not have enough to support his rank. + + + _October 2_ + +This morning my mother, lady Grimston, the Dean, and Mr Arnold (who is +the idol of them all) took a rumbling together in the old coach, by way +of taking the air, in a dusty road; and what do you think was the result +of their deliberations in this jaunt? Why truly lady Grimston, proud of +her handy-work, would needs see it accomplished; and nothing will serve +her, but I must be married at her house. My mother opposed it at first, +but the Dean seconded the proposal, that he might have (as he expressed +himself) the satisfaction of contributing _himself_ to make Mr Arnold +happy; and Mr Arnold (audaciously expecting, I suppose, that this would +hasten the ceremony) joined his intreaties so effectually, that my +mother was obliged to yield. + +What a tormenting old woman is this lady Grimston! I hoped, at least, +for the respite of a month, by getting to London. I thought first to +have delayed the time of our going to town, and then to have faddled +away a good while longer under pretence of preparations; though there is +but little room for that now, as all my fineries, destined I thought to +another purpose, are lying quietly in my trunks at home. But then one +might have contrived many little occasions of delay. There was a house +to be fixed upon, and I had twenty things to do, and, as my mother says, +many things fall out between the cup and the lip. But all my +expectations are blown away, and I have but one poor fortnight given me +to recollect my scattered thoughts, when they are all to be centered in +Mr Arnold. I am not merry, my Cecilia, but I am determined not to appear +sad; neither am I so; I hope I have no reason. + +My mother purposes writing again to Sir George, to desire his presence +at my marriage. I hope he will behave respectfully to every one here, if +he should come. + + + _October 5_ + +Mr Arnold has writ to town, to bespeak a new chariot; he will do nothing +in regard to the house, till I am on the spot to please myself. I intend +sending Patty to town, to bring me down my bridal trappings. + +Mr Arnold has given some necessary orders for the new decking of his +person, as well as some of the apartments in the old mansion-house, +which seem a little to want refurnishing; most of the goods having been +inhabitants there since the time of his great grandfather. + + +_October 9_ + +My mother's last letter to Sir George has produced the following answer, +which he sent by Patty, when she returned down here with my cloaths. + + Madam, + + I am sorry I cannot accept of the invitation you favour me with, + to be present at my sister's nuptials. Some affairs in Wiltshire + require my immediate attendance; and I had settled matters before + I received your summons, so as to set out as on this day. I wish + you all imaginable satisfaction in your new son-in-law; and my + sister abundance of happiness in her spouse. + + I am, Madam, &c. + + + _London, October 8_ + +I am glad Sir George does not come down; I am sure if he did, his +behaviour would be such, as would render him no very acceptable guest at +Grimston-hall. + +A week, but a short week, to come, before my fate is irrevocably fixed; +or revocable only by the hand of death! This reflection, solemn as it +is, does not alarm me; because, after again calling my heart to the +strictest account, I think I _can_ pronounce it intirely free. Mr Arnold +will soon have an indisputable right to it; and it is my firm purpose to +use my utmost endeavours to give him intire possession of it. He every +day gains upon my esteem. If his talents are not so glittering as I have +seen some others possessed of, he is nevertheless master of an +exceedingly good understanding, which a sort of diffidence in his manner +does not suffer him to shew at once to the best advantage. His temper is +extremely sweet, and he seems to have an openness of heart (when he +throws off a little shyness which he has contracted) that is exceedingly +engaging. His love for me appears as fervent as I believe it sincere; +and I should be ungrateful not to do my utmost to return it. + + + _October 14_ + +How precipitate has been my fortune? Twice within these three months +have I been almost at the eve of my intended nuptials. Those which +_were_ to have been, I thought as certain as those which are _now_ to be +solemnized within two days. Who knows what may still happen to frustrate +our present designs?--No--there is not another Miss B. to interpose. Mr +Arnold seems to be one of those who are born to pass quietly through +life. He has already attained to the age of thirty, without one event +ever happening to him, but such as happen to every man every day. May no +future storm ever interrupt his or my tranquility! for they will soon be +one and the same thing. + + + _October 16_ + +The die is thrown, my Cecilia, and thy Sidney is the wife of Mr Arnold! +This day we were married; the good Dean joined our hands, and his +daughter was one of my bride-maids. The poor girl was taken ill during +the ceremony, and was obliged to leave the church, which has confirmed +me in my suspicions--Oh! how I pity her! I believe indeed she only +feigned illness for an excuse to retire. Mrs Vere went out with her, +but she would not suffer her to attend her home. She promised to dine +with us, if she should be better; and so she did, and seemed chearful +and pretty well; but I thought she looked as if she had been crying. She +made my heart ache--but I am in hopes it is but a slight wound; she is +exceedingly lively, and, I dare say, will soon get the better of it. + +Lady Grimston was downright tiresome with her compliments; and preached +an hour long about the duty of children to their parents; and how good a +wife that woman was likely to make, who had always been exemplary in her +filial obedience. Ah! lady Grimston, thought I, by what I have heard of +you, you did not seem to number obedience amongst wife-like virtues in +your own case, though you can preach it up to others. But I knew this +sermon was chiefly intended for poor Mrs Vere's use. My mother was all +kindness and complacency. She seemed so delighted, that I rejoiced in +having had it in my power to give her so much happiness. Lady Grimston +did the honours of her house on this occasion with great magnificence, +and I believe I need not tell you, with most exquisite decorum. Indeed +this wedding was conducted with such a decent festivity, so rationally +on all sides, and such a comfortable privacy, that I was not half so +much shocked as I expected to have been. + +We have no company here besides the family of the house, my dear good +old Dean, his lady and daughter, one young lady more, and a relation of +Mr Arnold's; a gentleman who came from London on purpose to be present +on this (as it is called) joyful occasion. + +We shall leave this house to-morrow, Mr Arnold and I, I mean. I am to be +put into possession of the old mansion of Arnold-abbey. My mother is to +continue with lady Grimston a week or a fortnight longer, and then she +goes to London on no other call, as she says, but to see and administer +comfort to poor Miss B. who she supposes will be by that time come to +her retreat. + +I believe I shall remain in the country while the weather continues +pleasant, but am not yet determined. + + + _October 17_ + +We took leave of lady Grimston this morning, or rather of her house; for +her ladyship, my dear mother, and all the good folks that were our +guests at Grimston-hall, are to dine with us to-day at Arnold-abbey. I +desired I might be permitted to go home without any parade, and in as +private a manner as possible; for you know how I hate a bustle. Mr +Arnold very obligingly indulged me in this request, and conducted my +sweet Mrs Vere and me home in his coach, at eight of the clock this +morning. I found every thing in exact order at Arnold-abbey. The house +is very spacious and convenient, though very old-fashioned. Some of the +rooms, however, are newly fitted up, perfectly neat and handsome. The +servants are orderly and well-behaved, and every thing seems to be +exactly well regulated. You may be sure I have taken my own Patty home +with me; I intend to constitute her housekeeper, and give her an +additional salary for her additional trouble. Mr Arnold had nobody in +that capacity before, as his household had not been settled since the +acquisition of his fortune, and he reserved the chusing of so material a +domestic to me; but as I do not love to multiply servants, and know that +Patty is very capable of the place, I shall take no other. + + + _October 21_ + +Visitors still in abundance: all the gentry in the neighbourhood for +some miles about have been to pay us their compliments; at least, I hope +by this time they have _all_ been here, for we have not had a minute to +ourselves these three days. It will take me up ten to return them, as +many of the families live at a good distance from hence. + +Mr Arnold, whose mourning has been laid aside since our wedding day, +seems to have a very good taste in dress; he is perfectly well shaped, +and appears to great advantage in colours; in short, he is more amiable +than I thought he was. It is with great pleasure that I observe my young +acquaintance, on whose heart I feared Mr Arnold had made an impression, +has recovered her usual vivacity. With people extremely full of spirits, +love is not apt to sink very deep, or last long, when it does not meet +with a return. + + + _October 30_ + +My mother sets out for London to-morrow, and Mr Arnold has proposed to +me, that he and I should accompany her. He says, he wants to look out +for a house, and should like to fix in one before the weather advances; +and that we may take up our abode at my mother's till our house is ready +for us. My mother is charmed at this proposal: she dreads the thought of +parting with me; and as she intends going (after a convenient stay in +London) down to Sidney-castle, if I remain here, our separation must be +immediate. I know this is Mr Arnold's kind reason for desiring me to go; +he thinks I shall be less affected at parting with my mother, when in +the midst of the various scenes which London affords, than I should be +if I were to continue here. He does not give this for a reason, but I +know it is his true one; for he is not fond of London himself, +especially at a season of the year, when the country is so much more +agreeable. I thanked him for this mark of his tenderness, and am +determined to go. + + + _October 31_ + +Once more returned to London in very good spirits, after a stay of +little more than two months in Essex, in which time so material and +unexpected a change has been made in my condition. + +Lady Grimston took a most affectionate leave of my mother and asked her, +with more tenderness than I thought her capable of, How many ages would +it be before they should meet again? As for Mr Arnold and me, she +considers us her neighbours. The Dean pleases himself with that +expectation too; and the dear Mrs Vere, who shed tears at bidding me +adieu, promises herself the happiness (as she kindly expressed herself) +of spending many delightful days with me next summer. She set out on her +return to her own house, at the same time that we left ours to go to +town. + +My brother is still in Wiltshire; but I find he did not leave town at +the time he mentioned in his letter to my mother, nor for some days +after. This Patty learnt from the servants; but I hope it will not come +to my mother's ears, for she would take it extremely ill of him. + +Mr Arnold, for the first time, mentioned, that he was very much +disappointed in not having had the honour of seeing Sir George at his +house in the country; but he hoped, when he came to town, his brother +and he should make up for this, by being the more together. I wish Sir +George may behave as he ought to this deserving brother. Mr Arnold +little imagines how much he was an enemy to this match, and much less +his reason for it. I should be very sorry Mr Arnold were to know how +near I was being married to another man; it might give a delicate mind +pain, lest there should remain any traces of this former attachment in +the breast of the woman he loves; but I hope there is no danger of his +hearing of it, certainly no one would be so indiscreet as to mention it +to him. Mr Arnold has lived chiefly in the country, and may never have +heard of Mr Faulkland, as he was so short a time returned from his +travels, on which he had been absent more than five years; and as he is +now out of the kingdom, probably he will not be spoken of. I have begged +of my mother, who is naturally communicative, never to name Mr +Faulkland to Mr Arnold, and have given my reasons for desiring this. She +says, she thinks it would be better to tell him the whole affair at +once; but I cannot agree with her in that opinion; and have at last +prevailed on her to promise me she will not speak of it. + + + _November 2_ + +My mother drove out in my new chariot to-day (a very gay fine one it +is), and went to Putney, to enquire after Miss B. by the name of Mrs +Jefferis. She soon found the house, a very neat box, with a pretty +garden behind it. The door was opened by a servant maid; and my mother +being told the lady was at home, sent in her name; and was immediately +conducted up stairs into a very elegant little dressing-room, where the +lady was sitting at her toilet; and Mr Faulkland's housekeeper (whom my +mother had seen before) assisting to dress her head. On my mother's +entering the room, Miss B. rose off her chair, and soon discovered by +her shape (for she was without her stays), that it was high time for her +to seek a place of concealment. The housekeeper immediately withdrew; +and the young lady seemed in the utmost confusion; my mother says, she +herself was at a loss how to begin the conversation, but Miss B. +relieved her, and spoke first. She thanked her for the honour she did +her by so charitable a visit, which, she said, Mr Faulkland had long ago +made her hope for; and which she must consider as the greatest +consolation in her present unhappy circumstances. + +My mother placed herself by her. Madam, said she, Mr Faulkland made it a +point with me before he left England, that I should see you, and afford +you all the assistance in my power, or that you should stand in need of. +You seem to be commodiously situated here, and I understand have a very +careful good woman to attend you. + +I have so, madam, she answered; but the most material circumstance is +wanting to my relief: Mr Faulkland!--He is not here. Tears started into +her eyes as she spoke. You were apprised of his absence, said my mother, +before you came to town. I was, madam, and with the cause of it; she +hung down her head and was silent. + +My mother reassumed the conversation. She told her, she thought it a +most providential discovery, that had given her the knowlege of Mr +Faulkland's ill behaviour, time enough to prevent his marriage with her +daughter; assuring her, she would not, for the universe, have had me the +wife of a man under such ties, as she must consider Mr Faulkland to be. +Miss B. brightned up a little upon my mother's saying this. Did Mr +Faulkland ever tell you, madam, how the unhappy affair happened? My +mother told her, she knew not particulars; that she had been referred to +her for a full explanation; that Mr Faulkland had always endeavoured to +excuse himself; and went so far as to say, He was sure the lady herself +would acquit him in a great measure. Ah! madam! Miss B. cried, and shook +her head. 'Tis as I suspected, said my mother, Mr Faulkland is an +ungenerous man. A young lady of your modest appearance, I am sure he +must have taken more pains to seduce, than he will acknowlege. Miss B +blushed exceedingly--Oh! madam, you have a charitable, generous heart, I +was _indeed_ seduced. I knew it, replied my mother. Did he promise to +marry you? She coloured deeper than before. I will not accuse him of +that, madam. My mother proceeded; You have a relation, madam; I +understand she was accessary to your misfortune. Yes, the barbarous +woman, answered the lady, she was the contriver of my destruction; and +if I could have avoided it, I would never have seen her face again. +Tears of grief and indignation again burst from her eyes. Have comfort, +madam, said my mother, all may end well yet. I can have no hopes, +answered Miss B. Mr Faulkland flies me, you see, nor can I ever expect +to recover his heart, since so charming a young lady, as I hear Miss +Bidulph is, has possession of it; and though your goodness disappointed +him in his late views, he may not yet despair. I found by this, +continued my mother, that Miss B knew nothing of your being married, and +made haste to tell her. I never saw joy so visible in a countenance. She +clasped her hands together; Dear madam! what do you tell me? How you +revive my drooping heart! then I am not _quite_ hopeless, there is a +_possibility_ in my favour. + +She then asked my mother if Mr Faulkland had acquainted her with her +real name, or that of her relation. My mother, who had once or twice +called her by the name of Jefferis, assured her he had not. That was +generous in him, said she; he _can_ be generous in _some_ points. But I +have no reason to conceal it from so prudent and worthy a lady as you +are; my real name is Burchell; that of my cruel relation I will forbear +to mention, out of respect to my good uncle, whose wife she is. Mr +Faulkland, she added, left a Bill of five hundred pounds with his +housekeeper, to provide every thing for me that I should want; with +assurances that he would take the tenderest care of--the poor young +creature hesitated, and could proceed no farther; but my mother said she +understood her meaning. They had a good deal more discourse: my mother +promised to see her often during her confinement, and took her leave. + +She tells me, she is extremely pretty, and has such an air of innocence +and simplicity, as very much engages one in her favour. + +I have set down this whole conversation, with every other particular, +exactly as my mother related it. + +She, who has a most circumstantial memory, repeated it word for word; +and I, from a custom of throwing upon paper every thing that occurs to +me, have habituated myself to retain the minutest things. + +I know not, my dear, whether you will be of my opinion; but I cannot +help thinking, that there was something like art in Miss Burchell's +behaviour, far from that candour which Mr Faulkland seemed to expect +from her. My mother mentioned the _pains_ that she supposed had been +taken to _seduce_ her; her deep blush at this hint, makes me suspect +that her answer was not dictated by sincerity. She saw my mother was not +acquainted with the particulars, and that she was willing to pass a +favourable judgment on her fault; it looks to me as if she laid hold of +this prejudice--and yet she _owned_ that Mr Faulkland had never promised +to marry her--I know not what to think; but there appears to me, upon +the whole, something evasive and disingenuous in her conduct. My mother, +who is all openness and integrity, saw it not in this light. But be it +as it may, it is no longer of any consequence to me, which was most to +blame, the gentleman or the lady: Miss Burchell is certainly the injured +Person; perhaps I too may have wronged her in my surmises; if I have, I +beg her pardon; the observations I have made on her behaviour are only +_en passant_, and I do from my heart wish Mr Faulkland would make her +his wife. You may perceive, from what I have told you, how little this +interview was likely to produce in Mr Faulkland's favour, had it even +been brought about sooner. My mother is now more than ever confirmed in +her opinion, that the poor young creature has been deceived; and she +prays, that Mr Faulkland may not be overtaken with a judgment, which she +thinks nothing but his marrying the girl can avert. + + + _November 10_ + +We have at length fixed upon a house to our liking, a handsome +convenient one in St James's-street. We are preparing to get it +furnished as fast as we can, that we may go into it; for if my brother +should come to town, I know _our_ being with my mother will be an +objection to his lodging in her house: this I should be sorry for, as +she told him he might make use of it while it remained in her hands. + + + _November 15_ + +Thank my stars! I have got over the fatigue of receiving and paying a +second round of bridal visits, and I am really so tired of it, that, +uninviting as the season is, I could wish myself in quiet at +Arnold-abbey; but I cannot think of leaving London while my mother +continues in it, and she is now resolved to do so till Miss Burchell, or +rather, on this occasion, Mrs Jefferis, is brought to-bed. You can't +imagine how sollicitous she is about her; every time she sees her she +seems more and more pleased with her. I am very glad it has happened so, +for the poor young woman's sake; my mother is as warm in her attachments +as in her resentments. She visits her almost every second day; for the +poor thing it seems is ill at present, and can't leave her chamber. She +tells me she is extremely melancholy, and seems much to dread the +approaching hour. I greatly honour my mother for her humanity towards +her: in her terrifying situation she must want the tenderness of a +well-bred as well as a sensible friend; for it must be a melancholy +thing, in such circumstances, to have no one about her but servants, and +those strangers too. + +She told my mother, that her altered looks, and frequent sicknesses, +gave her aunt (who was privy to the cause of it) a pretence for asking +her uncle's permission for Miss to go to Bath, which she told him would +do her more good than any thing. He consented, and supposed she was +actually gone thither under the care of a lady, whom her aunt named, who +was really going there in order to settle for life, and to whose house +she went for a day or two to give a colour to this story. Her aunt +contrived that she should not take any servant with her; giving it for a +reason, that as she might be as well attended by the lady's servants +with whom she lodged, and be considered by her as one of the family, a +maid would only be an unnecessary incumbrance. She added, that her uncle +was so afflicted with the gout, that he never stirred abroad, and saw +very little company, so that it was not likely he should ever be +undeceived. + + + _November 20_ + +We have just received a very odd piece of news, that I own has a little +alarmed me. It is, that the widow of Mr Arnold's brother is found to +be with child. There was no mention of this at the time her husband +died, nor indeed any cause to suspect it; but the strongest +presumptions in the world to the contrary, as her husband and she +lived a-part. It has not been even whispered, till since our arrival in +town. The lady pretends that she was not conscious of it herself till +within this fortnight; yet her husband has been dead four months. +This I am told is very possible, though not very common. She has +herself wrote a letter to Mr Arnold, to inform him of it; at the same +time declaring, that she and her late husband had been reconciled a +little before his death; and that, had he recovered, she was to have +lived with him again. All this is very strange. The elder Mr Arnold +killed himself with excessive drinking. His death approached him by +slow degrees; but as he could never be persuaded to think it near, he +took not the least care either of his spiritual or temporal concerns. +His brother was in the country when he was seized with his last +illness, which he had precipitated by some extravagant excess. He +was almost at the last extremity before he could be prevailed on to let +a physician attend him, or suffer his brother to be sent for. In regard +to the latter, he told those about him, that as he was his heir, of +course he had made no will. He mentioned not his wife. The jointure +which had been settled on her, he allowed her for a separate +maintenance. They had for a long time pursued separate pleasures, +and none of his friends knew that they had ever met, or so much as +seen one another from the time they parted. My Mr Arnold arrived +in town just time enough to close his brother's eyes; he was +speechless when he came, and expired in less than an hour after he +entered his chamber. + +As his wife had been very obnoxious to the family, there was little +notice taken of her by them, more than what common forms require. She +seemed as indifferent about the death of her husband, as she had been +towards him in his life-time; and did not then hint a word of this +reconciliation between them, or of her having had an interview with him. +I am told, she is a very weak, as well as a very loose woman; and Mr +Arnold thinks she has got into the hands of some designing person. +However that matter may be, it is a serious affair; and he designs to +take the opinion of an eminent lawyer upon it. My poor dear mother is +frightned sadly. If this child should make its appearance in the world +time enough to prove the possibility of its being the offspring of the +late Mr Arnold, she says, it must be considered by the law as his heir, +notwithstanding the husband and wife lived apart. Mr Arnold laughs, or +affects to laugh at this; we shall, however, wait with patience till +the lady is brought to bed. + + + _November 25_ + +Our house is intirely fitted up, and we shall remove into it this +evening; my mother chuses to continue in her own, though Mr Arnold +presses her to accept of an apartment in ours; but we shall be near +neighbours, and she does not like to change. + +We have received the opinion of our lawyers, who tell us, that in case +the child should be born within such a period of time, as to give colour +to its claim, yet the lady must prove her assertion, in regard to the +pretended meeting between her and her husband; which it is imagined is +not in her power to do; and her indifferent character, together with +several favourable circumstances which Mr Arnold has on his side, makes +them quite sanguin in their expectations of overturning her claim. We +are, however, likely to be engaged in a disagreeable law-suit; but as Mr +Arnold seems perfectly easy about the issue of it, I will make myself so +too. + + + _December 10_ + +I am more and more reconciled to my lot, my dear Cecilia, every day that +I live. Mr Arnold's assiduity and tenderness towards me deserve the +gratefullest return my heart can make him; and I am convinced it is not +necessary to be passionately in love with the man we marry, to make us +happy. Constancy, good sense, and a sweet temper, must form a basis for +a durable felicity. The two latter I am sure Mr Arnold possesses; Oh! +may I never experience his want of the former! I hope my own conduct +will for ever ensure to me his love. That only can secure the +tranquility of my future days. + + + _December 11_ + +My brother arrived in town last night; and came this morning in company +with my mother (and I am sure at her request) to make us a formal visit. +My kind Mr Arnold received him with tenderness; Sir George was coldly +polite. He owned, however, to my mother, upon her asking him his opinion +of his brother-in-law, that he seemed to be a _good clever sort of a +fellow_. I wish I could cultivate a friendship between them; it will not +be Mr Arnold's fault if there is not; but Sir George, you know, is not +of a very pliant disposition. + +He asked my mother, when they were alone, Whether she had yet seen Miss +B or Mrs Jefferis (for he knew her by no other name) and what she had +to say for herself? My mother told him, he had better not touch upon +that string. I will be hanged, replied Sir George, if the artful young +baggage has not imposed upon you. My mother, who is always angry at +having her sagacity called in question, told Sir George he was rude, and +she should give him no satisfaction on that head. My brother answered, +as it was _now_ of no consequence, what the wench affirmed or denied, he +had no farther curiosity about her. My mother called him a bear, and so +the enquiry ended. + + + _December 20_ + +I congratulate you, my sister, my friend, my ever beloved Cecilia. +Happy! happy may you be in your nuptials! but in the midst of my joy for +your being so nobly and worthily bestowed, self-love forces a sigh from +me. I have lost the pleasing hope of seeing you, at the time fixed for +your return. The station your husband holds at the court of Vienna, +will, I fear, long detain my beloved in a foreign land. But you are not +amongst strangers; a husband, a brother, and tender parent, must make +every part of the globe equally your home. I will therefore seek for my +contentment in your's, and rest satisfied with believing that you will +always continue to love me. + + + _January 10, 1703-4_ + +I begin to find my thoughts so dissipated, that I am angry with myself; +Mr Arnold's excessive indulgence will spoil me; he is always contriving +new scenes of pleasure, and hurries me from one to the other. I do not +wish to be perpetually fluttering about. The calm domestic life you know +was always my choice; but I will not oppose my kind Mr Arnold in his +fond desire of pleasing me: besides, I find that by his constantly +gallanting me to public places, he begins himself to acquire a sort of +relish for them, which he did not use to have; at least his prudence +made him so to conform to the necessity of his circumstances, while his +fortune was small, that he never indulged himself in any of the +fashionable expensive amusements; nor does he now in any, but such as I +partake of with him. I find he is by nature open and liberal to excess. +I must take care, without his being conscious of it, to be a gentle +check upon his bounteous spirit; I mean only so far as it regards +myself: indeed this is the most material point, for in every other +instance his generosity is regulated by prudence. I am every hour more +obliged to him, and should hate myself if I did not find that he had an +intire possession of my love. + +Sir George hardly ever comes near us but by formal invitation, and then +his behaviour to Mr Arnold is so very civil, and so very distant, that +it mortifies me exceedingly. Mr Arnold cannot but perceive it; but +either his tenderness for me makes him take no notice of it, or else, +not being well enough acquainted with my brother to know his +disposition, he may impute his coldness to his natural temper. + +My mother says, he never names Mr Faulkland or Miss Burchell to her. I +wish Sir George could entirely forget that unhappy affair. + + + _February 1_ + +There is a story propagated by the widow Arnold, about the meeting +between her and her husband; the circumstances of which are as follows: + +She says, she had dined one day in the city, and was returning home to +her lodgings in York-buildings in a hackney coach; that the driver, by +his carelessness in coming along the Strand, had one of his fore wheels +taken off by a Waggon, which accident obliged her to alight: the +footboy, who was behind the coach, had by the jolt been thrown off, and +received a hurt, which made it necessary to have him carried into a shop +for assistance. That the lady herself, being no otherwise injured than +by a little fright, found that she was so near home, that she did not +think it worth while to wait for another carriage, but pursued her way +on foot. It was a fine dry evening, about nine o'clock; and though there +was no light but what the lamps afforded, yet as the streets were full +of people, she had no apprehensions of danger. + +In this situation she was accosted by two gentlemen, who, seeing a lady +well dressed and alone, insisted on seeing her safe to her lodgings. +However disagreeable such an encounter was, she said she did not give +herself much concern about it, as she was so near home, and expected to +shake off her new acquaintance at the door of the house where she +lodged; and accordingly, when she got there, she told them she was at +home, and wished them a good night; but the impertinents were not so +easily to be put off. The door having been opened by the maid of the +house, they both rushed in; her landlady, a single woman, happened to be +abroad and there was no man in the house. + +Mrs Arnold thought she had no way left, but to run up to her +dining-room, and lock herself in; but in this she was prevented, as the +gentlemen, whom the servant of the house vainly endeavoured to oppose, +got up stairs almost as soon as she did. Her own maid, on hearing the +rap at the door, had lighted candles in the dining-room; the two sparks +entered with her; but how was she surprized to find that one of them was +her husband. Her fright, she said, had prevented her from discovering +this sooner, as she had not looked in either of their faces, though +there was a light in the hall; and Mr Arnold's being half drunk, she +supposed, was the reason of his not perceiving sooner who she was. + +The astonishment that they both were in, and the exclamation that each +made in their turn, soon informed the companion of Mr Arnold who the +lady was. He congratulated them both on this fortunate mistake, and +saying, since chance had been so propitious to Mr Arnold as to throw him +into the arms of so charming a woman, he hoped his discovering her to be +his wife would not render her the less agreeable to him; but that this +unexpected meeting might be a means of re-uniting them in their former +amity. + +Mr Arnold, she says, in the presence of this gentleman, advanced with +open arms to embrace her, which she not declining, his friend having +again felicitated them on their reconciliation, took his leave, and Mr +Arnold remained with his lady. + +That at parting, which was not till late, (as she would not, on account +of her reputation, permit him to pass the night at her lodgings) he +promised to bring her home to his house in a day or two; but +unfortunately for her he was taken ill in the interim, which she did not +know of, till she had an account that Mr Arnold had lost his senses. The +reason she assigned for not enquiring after him sooner was, that her +pride would not suffer her to make any advances to a man, who had been +so injurious as to part with her; and she thought it his duty to recall +her, without her taking any step towards it. + +This story seems plausible; yet none of our friends believe a word of +it, and imagine somebody has contrived it for her. The gentleman, who +was the companion of Mr Arnold that night, she says, can at a proper +time be produced as a witness, as also her own maid, who can testify the +truth of this story. In the mean time this maid is kept out of the way, +and nobody can guess at the gentleman, for his name is kept a profound +secret. + +I am delighted at the sweetness of Mr Arnold's temper: vexatious as this +affair is likely to be, even at the best, he does not suffer it to +interrupt our pleasures or his own good humour. On the contrary, he is +the more studious of promoting every thing, which he thinks will +entertain me. + + + _February 28_ + +At length the poor Miss Burchell is happily rid of her burden; a pretty +little boy, my mother says it is: it was, immediately after its birth, +at which my mother was present, privately baptized by the name of +Orlando, and sent away with its nurse, a careful body, who had been +before provided for it. It passes for the son of a captain Jefferis, +abroad with the army. Miss Burchell would never suffer the nurse to see +her; for as she intends to reassume her own name, as soon as she shall +be in a condition to leave her present retirement, she would not chuse +to be known by the woman, in case of her going to see her child. Every +thing was managed with so much privacy, and Miss Burchell has lived so +perfectly recluse, nobody visiting her but my mother, that in all +probability this affair will always remain an intire secret. + +My mother says, that as soon as Miss Burchell (to whom she considers +herself as a kind of patroness) is tolerably recovered, she will go down +to Sidney-castle; for she thinks herself in a strange land any where but +there. And would you believe it my dear, she has taken such a fancy to +Miss Burchell, that she talks of inviting her down with her, if she can +obtain her uncle's leave. The girl must certainly have some very amiable +qualities, so to captivate my mother, or she has an immensity of art. I +dare say the young lady will gladly accept of her invitation; it will +undoubtedly be a most eligible situation for her. I do not know what Sir +George may say to her carrying her humanity so far, as he hates the name +of this poor girl; but no matter, it may be a means of preserving her +character, which probably she might not long keep, if she returned to +live with so vile a woman as I conclude her aunt to be; nor can she have +any colour for quitting her, whilst her uncle lives; for I find she is +an orphan, and has no relation but him. She must however go home for a +while, in order to get leave from him for this visit to Sidney-castle. + + + _March 26, 1704_ + +I am told the widow Arnold computes the time of her lying-in about the +latter end of the next month; if it should so happen, she saves her +distance, as her husband died in July, a little before we went to +Grimston-hall. Mr Arnold treats the affair very lightly, and is only +concerned at seeing my mother so much affected by it. For my part, I +form my behaviour upon Mr Arnold's conduct, and as long as he appears +easy, I shall certainly be so too. + +My brother throws out some unkind reflections: he says, he wonders the +old Sybil at Grimston-hall did not foresee this; and congratulates me on +my good fortune, in having my jointure settled on that part of the +estate which is not disputed. I really think he shews a sort of +ill-natured triumph even in his condolements; for he generally concludes +them with thanking his stars that _he_ had no hand in the match. I trust +in God we shall none of us have any cause to repent it. I am sure I +never shall; for if Mr Arnold were reduced to the lowest ebb of fortune, +I should find my consolation in his kindness and affection. + + + _March 27_ + +My mother is preparing to leave town. Miss Burchell is quite recovered, +and purposes going down to the country, to obtain her uncle's consent +for the intended visit. She says, she can easily tell him she made an +acquaintance with lady Bidulph in her late excursion to Bath, from whom +she received an invitation, and she is sure he will not refuse to let +her accept it. + +Sir George laughs exceedingly at this plan. He says his mother ought not +to be surprized at Faulkland's falling into the girl's snares, since she +herself has done the same; but he supposes my mother thinks she is doing +a very meritorious action, in affording an asylum to this injured +innocence. I give you my brother's words, for I assure you, as to +myself, I approve of my mother's kindness to her, and think it may be a +means of preserving the girl from future mischief. + + + _April 2_ + +Miss Burchell is gone to the country, and this morning, for the first +time, severed me from the best of mothers. I cannot recover my spirits; +I have wept all day. Mr Arnold, ever good and obliging, would needs +accompany her some miles on her journey; you may be sure I was not left +behind. Sir George was so polite as to say, He would escort her down to +Sidney-castle. I was surprized at it; for he does not often do obliging +things. My mother gladly accepted of his company, and said, she would +make him her prisoner, when she had him there; for she should be quite +melancholy without me for a time. Now though I should be very unwilling +not to allow the merit of a good-natured action to Sir George, yet do I +attribute this in some measure to its answering a purpose of convenience +to himself. You know, before his illness sent him to the Spa, he always +spent his summers with us at the Castle, though he has another very +convenient house on his estate. When he was in London, he never had any +thing but lodgings, for which I have often been angry with him. My +mother, since his return, made him a compliment of her house; but as the +time she took it for is now expired, and it is let to another family, he +could no longer continue in it. Mr Arnold, in the most affectionate +manner, pressed him to accept of an apartment with us, which he +declined. Now as he could not, without shewing us an apparent slight, +continue in town in other lodgings, I believe he, for this reason, +preferred going down with my mother. Be it as it may, I am very glad +that she will have his company; for I make no doubt of his staying with +her some time, unless Miss Burchell should frighten him away. + + + _April 5_ + +I have been so cast down since my mother's departure, that Mr Arnold's +obliging tender assiduity to please and entertain me seems redoubled; +but indeed I am wearied with a continual round of noisy pleasures, and +long to get back to Arnold-abbey. I hope to be there in about three +weeks, or a month at farthest. My mother has dispensed with our going +down to her this summer. She thinks it might be attended with +inconveniences to me, and talks of coming to town again in a few months; +but I shall insist on her not giving herself the fatigue of so long a +journey, unless she comes to stay all the next winter with us. + + + _April 20_ + +My mother writes me word that Miss Burchell has obtained leave of her +uncle, and is come to Sidney-castle: she says, she never saw a better +behaved young creature. Sir George has taken so much offence at her +coming, that he talks of going to his own house. My mother adds, 'He +behaves however, with manners, but I shall not press him to stay.' + + + _May 6_ + +An important birth, my Cecilia! the widow Arnold has produced a young +miss. I assure you the little damsel has been ushered into life with all +the ceremony due to a young heiress; and her mother introduces her as +one, whom an unjust uncle debars of her right. Now you must know, that +upon an exact calculation, this little girl has made her appearance just +twelve days later than she ought to have done, to prove her legitimacy, +dating the possibility of her being Mr Arnold's, from the very day +whereon he took that illness of which he died, and which confined him +for five days to his bed. In all that time, his servants never left him +for a minute; this has occasioned various speculations; our lawyers say +that it is enough to destroy her pretensions; but some physicians, who +have been consulted on the occasion, are of a contrary opinion; and +declare they have known instances of children being born, even so long +after the stated time alloted by nature for their coming into life. + +It is a very unlucky affair, and has involved us in a law-suit. Who the +person is that secretly abets the widow, we cannot find out; but it is +certain she has somebody; every one believes this is an infamous and +unjust claim; and the woman's folly almost frees her from the suspicion +of its being of her own contriving. + + + _May 10_ + +You cannot imagine, my Cecilia, how happy I think myself, after such a +hurrying winter as I have had, to find myself once more restored to my +favourite pleasures, the calm delights of solitude. Arnold-abbey seems a +paradise to me now. + +Lady Grimston shewed me a specimen of her humour this morning, in +talking of the widow Arnold. She said she was an _harlot_, that having +already disgraced the family, now wanted to beggar them; but that if Mr +Arnold did not make an example of her, she would never own him for a +kinsman. + +My chearful old Dean says, he is now completely happy, having lived to +see his daughter married (while we were in town) very much to his and +her satisfaction. I am heartily glad of it, neither am I sorry (for her +sake) that she has left the country. + + + _May 11_ + +Mrs Vere is come to spend a few weeks with me according to her promise. +She is a truly amiable creature; her disposition so gentle, her temper +so mild, such a sweet humility in her whole deportment, that it +astonishes me her mother can still persist in her unkindness to her. But +the eldest daughter was always her darling, who I understand is pretty +much of her mother's own cast; and makes a very termagant wife to a very +turbulent husband. So that notwithstanding their title (for he is a +Baronet) and immense riches, they are a very miserable pair. + +They were lately to pay lady Grimston a visit; but there happened such a +frecas, that probably it may be the last she will ever receive from +them. The husband, it seems, though very rough and surly in his nature, +is, notwithstanding, a well-meaning man, and not void of humanity; which +had induced him to give a small portion to a young girl, a distant +relation of his own, who had been left an orphan. She was beloved by the +son of a substantial farmer, a tenant of the baronet's, and had an equal +affection for him; but the young man, depending entirely on his father +for his future prospects, durst not take a wife without something to +begin the world with; for his father had just put him into the +management of one of his farms. The young lady and her mother (who was a +widow, and is but lately dead) had boarded for some years at this honest +farmer's house, and in that time a mutual love had been contracted +between the young people. The old man himself liked the girl so well for +a daughter-in-law, that his only objection was her want of fortune; but +this was such an obstacle as was not to be surmounted by a man, who, +being accustomed to earn money by indefatigable industry, put the utmost +value upon it. His regard to his son's happiness, however, made him +resolve to try an experiment in his favour, and accordingly he plucked +up courage, and went to his landlord. He told him, in his own blunt way, +that he came to speak to him in behalf of a poor young gentlewoman that +was his (Sir William's) relation. I have a son that loves her, said he, +and she loves him, but I cannot afford to let the boy marry a wife that +has nothing; and you know she has no portion. I would not desire much +with her, for she is a good girl, and very housewifely; but if you will +be so kind to give her something to set them a going a little, I shall +be content; if not, you will be the cause of my son's losing a wife, for +he swears he will never marry any other woman, and she, poor thing, may +pine away for love. I do not desire this match out of the ambition of +having my boy related to you, but because I think the girl is an honest +girl, and may make him happy. + +The rough honesty of the farmer pleased his landlord so well, that he +gave the young woman five hundred pounds, to set them a going, as the +old yeoman termed it. Though this sum was but a trifle to a man of his +fortune, and the giving it was a praise-worthy action, yet did it +exceedingly displease his lady, especially as he had not thought proper +to consult her on the occasion. She was not contented with venting her +indignation on her husband at home, but she renewed the quarrel, by +complaining to lady Grimston, that her opinion and advice were not only +despised, but that Sir William was lavishing away the fortune _she_ had +brought him upon a _tribe_ of poor relations of his own. Lady Grimston +immediately took fire; she could not bear the thoughts of having her +daughter's authority of less weight in his family, than her own had +been, and she attacked her son-in-law with acrimony on the subject. His +answer to her was short. Look ye, lady Grimston, you made a very +obstreperous wife to a very peacable husband; your daughter, I find, is +mightily disposed to follow your example; but as I am not quite so tame +as my father-in-law was, I will suffer her to see as little of it as may +be. With this he turned from her, and ordering his coach and six to be +got ready immediately, with very little ceremony he forced his wife into +it, and carried her home directly, leaving lady Grimston foaming with +rage. The altercation had been carried on with so little caution, that +the servants heard it, and the story is the jest of the neighbourhood. + +I confess I am not sorry for this breach; it may be the better for poor +Mrs Vere; for though her mother's jointure reverts to a male relation, +on whom the estate was settled, yet as lady Grimston has a large +personal fortune, it is in her power to make her daughter full amends +for the injury she did her. + + + _May 20_ + +Mr Arnold is improving his gardens, and taking in a great deal more +ground to enlarge them. I do not express the least dissatisfaction at +this, tho' I own I could wish he would not engage in new expences on an +estate which is now in litigation; but our lawyers are so sanguin, that +they encourage him to proceed. + + + [_The following is writ in the hand of the lady, who gave the + editor these papers: 'Here follows an interval of four months; in + which time, though the Journal was regularly continued, nothing + material to her story occured, but the birth of a daughter, after + which she proceeds.'_] + + + _September 25_ + +How delightful are the new sensations, my dear Cecilia, that I feel +hourly springing in my heart! Surely the tenderness of a mother can +never be sufficiently repaid; and I now more than ever rejoice in +having, by an obedience, which perhaps I once thought had some little +merit in it, contributed so much to the repose of a parent, to whom I +have such numberless obligations. I never see my little girl, but I +think such were the tender sentiments, the sweet anxieties, that my +honoured and beloved mother felt when her Sidney was such a brat as +this. Then I say, surely I have a right to all the duty, all the filial +love that this creature can shew me, in return for my fondness. As for +Mr Arnold, he idolizes it; you never saw so good a nurse as he makes. +Lady Grimston declares, we are both in a fair way of ruining the child, +and advises us to send it out of the house, that we may not grow too +fond of it; but we shall hardly take her counsel. + + + _September 28_ + +I informed you before that Miss Burchell had been summoned home by her +uncle, who was then very ill. She has lately written an account to my +mother of his death; and that as she has now her fortune in her own +hands, she intends immediately to quit her aunt, and look out for some +genteel and reputable family in London (where it seems she chuses to +reside) to lodge with. + +My mother, in her letter to me, expresses great satisfaction at her +resolution to leave her aunt, but is not without her fears, that so +pretty a young woman, left to her own guidance, may be liable to danger; +though she thinks both her natural disposition, and her good sense, +sufficient to guard her against actual evil. + +Our lawyer writes us a word, that he has had an offer of a composition, +proposed by the widow Arnold's people: he says, though the sum they +mention is a very round one, yet it plainly indicates the weakness of +their hopes; and concludes with telling Mr Arnold, that if six-pence +would buy them off, he should not, with his consent, give it to them; as +it would tacitly admit the legality of their claim, and might be +productive of troublesome consequences hereafter; and therefore he would +by all means have the issue fairly tried. Mr Arnold laughs heartily at +the proposal, but says he is very much obliged to the lady for +condescending to give up more than half, when her daughter has a right +to the whole; without whose consent he supposes it is not in the +mother's power to make terms. + +I wish we were rid of this troublesome affair, as it must hurry us to +town sooner than we intended, and the country is still delightful. + + + _London, October 1_ + +Again we have quitted our sweet retirement for the noise and bustle of +London; but this law-business, it seems, must be closely pursued, though +our antagonist's motions seem a little dilatory. We cannot find out the +secret spring that sets the machine a-going; the wheels however do not +seem to move with such alacrity as they did; though the widow still +talks big, and says, we shall repent of having rejected her offer. + + + _October 3_ + +My brother is arrived in town, but took care to settle himself in +handsome commodious lodgings before he paid us a visit, for fear, I +suppose, that we should again press him to accept of apartments in our +house. I see he is determined to keep up nothing more than an +intercourse barely civil. Mr Arnold cannot but be disgusted with his +behaviour, but he is too delicate to take notice of it to me. + + + _October 17_ + +I am disappointed in my hopes of seeing my dear mother in town this +winter. Her apartment was ready for her, and I delighted myself with the +thoughts of seeing her in possession of it, at least for a few months; +but she writes me word that her old rheumatick complaint is returned on +her with such violence, that she cannot think of undertaking the +journey. Sadly am I grieved at this news, and shall long to have the +winter over, that Mr Arnold and I may fly to Sidney-castle; he has +promised me this satisfaction early in the summer. + +My mother informs me that Miss Burchell constantly corresponds with her: +she tells her that her aunt is come to town to sollicit for her pension, +but that she never sees her; and as she means to drop all correspondence +with her, she does not intend even to let her know where she lodges. I +commend Miss Burchell highly for this, as the acquaintance of such a +woman may be hurtful to her reputation. + + + [_Here ensues another interval of nine months, in which nothing + particular is related, but that Mrs Arnold became mother to a + second child. This last circumstance, with a few others preceding + and succeeding that event, are related in the Journal by her maid + Patty; after which Mrs Arnold herself proceeds._] + + + _July 1, 1705_ + +Again, my dear Cecilia, I am able to reassume my pen. I have read what +Patty has writ, and find she is admirable at the anecdotes of a +nursery. Am I not rich, think you? Two daughters, and both perfect +beauties, and great wits you may be sure! + +The new-born damsel was baptized this day by the dear-beloved name of +Cecilia. I am angry with Mr Arnold, he takes so little notice of this +young stranger; his affections are all engaged by Dolly: indeed, I am +almost jealous of her; for he spends most of the time he is at home in +the nursery. + +Our antagonist is grown alert again, and has renewed her efforts, which +we thought began to flag a little, with fresh vigour. Whence she derives +those revived hopes is a mystery; but she now says, she would not accept +of a composition if it were offered. My poor Mr Arnold begins to fret a +little, it now and then makes him thoughtful; not that he says he has +the least doubt about his success, but he has been much harrassed with +the necessary attendance that the cause requires, and downright tired +with dangling after lawyers; besides, they say the cause cannot come to +an hearing in the ensuing term, though they before made us hope, that it +would be at an end long before this time. + + + _July 3_ + +I am mortified exceedingly, my dear Cecilia: I find I am not likely to +see my mother this summer. I thought I could not have lived so long from +her sight. Indeed it was purely in the hope of making her this visit, +that I prevented her coming to town in the spring, which she purposed +doing, though far from being well enough to undertake the journey. I own +I have been impatient under my confinement, as that, and my previous +circumstances, detained us so long in town, and I this day asked Mr +Arnold when we should set out for Sidney-castle. He answered me, that he +feared it would not be in his power this season to pay the intended +visit to my mother: he says, he has not been near his estate in Kent +these five years, except for a day or two at a time, and that he thinks +it necessary to see what condition it is in. I believe I have told you +that there is a pretty house on it. The place is called South-park, and +is that which my mother chose for my settlement. Mr Arnold, who always +preferred Arnold-abbey to it, hardly ever visited this place; and as he +never resided there, and only lay at an inn when he went down, the house +is unfurnished, excepting a room or two, which a man who receives his +rent has just made habitable for his own convenience. + +But that I have laid it down as a rule never to oppose so good, so +indulgent a husband as Mr Arnold is, in any instance, wherein I do not +think a superior duty requires me to do so, I should certainly show some +disapprobation of what he now purposes doing. It will be attended with +so much trouble, so much expence too: he has ordered the house at +South-park to be completely furnished, and says, he hopes I shall like +it so well as to be induced to pass the remainder of the summer there. +Most sure it is, every place will be delightful to me where I can enjoy +his company, and have my dear little babes with me; but methinks two +country houses are an unnecessary charge, and more than suits our +fortune. I pray God this tender husband may not have a strong and +prudent reason for this conduct, which out of kindness he conceals; +perhaps he thinks this little spot at South-park may some time hence be +the whole of our dependence, and he has a mind to be before-hand with +ill fortune, in rendering that retreat agreeable to me, and rather an +object of choice than of necessity. If this be his motive, How much am I +obliged to him? He has not hinted any thing like it; nor would I dash +the pleasure he seems to promise himself there, by insinuating the least +suspicion of what his reasons are for going to it. If we lose +Arnold-abbey, and the whole estate belonging to it, I shall only regret +it for his sake. + + + _July 8_ + +We are to set out to-morrow, my Cecilia, for our place in Kent. I have +made the best apology that I could to my mother, and Mr Arnold too has +writ to her; but I know she will be extremely disappointed at not seeing +us. + + + _July 12_ + +We are lately arrived at South-park, Mr Arnold in high spirits; and my +two young travellers bore the fatigue extremely well. + +I am not surprized Mr Arnold liked the old family seat better than this. +I cannot say I am much charmed with it, but I will not let him see that. +I affect to admire, and seem pleased with every thing that affords me +the least opportunity of commendation. The house is a very neat one; it +has not been many years built, and is in perfectly good repair. It is +genteely, though plainly furnished, and we have a tolerable garden; but +as the whole domain is let, we are obliged to take a few fields from one +of our tenants, to supply our immediate want. We are in a very genteel +and populous neighbourhood, and within a mile of a good market town. + + + _July 20_ + +I have regretted nothing so much in my absence from Arnold-abbey, as the +being cut off from the hope of seeing my amiable Mrs Vere. We can have +but _one friend_ to share our heart, to whom we have no reserve, and +whose loss is irreparable; but I perceive the absence of a pleasing +acquaintance, whose society is no farther necessary to us, than as it +contributes to enliven solitude, and gets a preference to others merely +by comparison, is a loss easily supplied; this I find by experience. +There are Mrs Veres every where; but, alas! there is but _one_ Cecilia! + +I was visited today by two ladies that I am charmed with, though it is +the first time I have seen either of them. The one is lady V of whom you +have formerly heard. Her Lord and she came together; their seat is +within a mile of us, and Mr Arnold had a slight acquaintance with lord V +before. My lady is about forty, and has that kind of countenance that at +once invites your confidence; I never saw integrity, benevolence, and +good sense, more strongly pictured in a face; her address is so plain, +so perfectly free from affectation, or any of the little supercilious +forms of ceremony, that a person, ignorant of what true politeness +consists in, would imagine she wanted breeding; yet she received her +education in a court; but she seems to let good sense and good nature +preside over all her words and actions rather than form. She told me she +had deferred her visit to me, longer perhaps than the laws of decorum +would admit of, as we were such near neighbours; but, said she, I was +determined not to be overlooked in the crowd of visitors that have been +thronging to you every day, since you came down. The character I have +heard of you, makes me wish for an intimacy with you, and you are not to +look upon this as a visit of ceremony, but as an advance towards that +friendship I wish to cultivate. + +She spoke this with so frank an air, that, flattering as the compliment +appeared, I could not help believing her sincere; and thought myself, +that my appearance did not diminish that good opinion which she said she +had conceived of me from report. + +Lord V---- is many years older than his lady; a robust man, as plain in +his way as my lady is in her's; though _his_ way and _her's_ are very +different; for he is frank even to bluntness, but the best humoured man +living. + +The other lady whom I mentioned is a widow; her name is Gerrarde, and +she lives upon a little estate she has in this neighbourhood. I think I +never beheld so fine a creature; she is about six and twenty; her +stature, which is much above the common size, is rendered perfectly +graceful and majestic by one of the finest shapes in the world; if her +face is not altogether so regularly beautiful as her person, it is, +however, handsome enough to render any woman charming who had nothing +else to boast of. Whether her understanding be of a piece with the rest, +I have not yet been able to discover. Her visit to me was but short, for +she had not sat with me an hour when lady V---- came in, and she then +took her leave; but by what I could observe in that little time, she +seems to have as much vivacity and agreeable humour, as I ever met with +in any one. She pressed me to dine with her at her cottage, as she calls +it, to-morrow, and I like her too well to refuse the invitation. + +These two charming women, I think, I shall single out for my chief +intimates, from the crowd which have been to compliment me, on my coming +into this country. + +Mr Arnold is mightily pleased with them both; but he gives the +preference to lady V----, whom, tho' he had a slight acquaintance with +her lord, he never saw before. But he is almost as great a stranger in +this place as I am: he is highly delighted at my having met with people +who are likely to render it agreeable to me. + + + _July 21_ + +We dined to-day according to appointment with Mrs Gerrarde. A +cottage she called her house, nor does it appear much better at the +outside, but within it is a fairy palace. Never was any thing so neat, so +elegant, so perfectly well fansied, as the fitting up of all her rooms. +Her bedchambers are furnished with fine chints, and her drawing-room +with the prettiest Indian sattin I ever saw. Her little villa is +called Ashby, and her husband, she told me, purchased it for her +some time before his death, and left it to her; but she has since had a +considerable addition to her fortune, by the death of a relation. + +Our entertainment was splendid almost to profusion, though there was no +company but Mr Arnold and I. I told her, if she always gave such +dinners, it would frighten me away from her: indeed it was the only +circumstance in her whole conduct that did not please me, for I was +charmed with the rest of her behaviour. They must surely be of a very +churlish disposition, who are not pleased, where a manifest desire to +oblige is conspicuous in every word and action. If Mrs. Gerrarde is not +as highly polished as some women are, who, perhaps, have had a more +enlarged education, she makes full amends for it by a perfect good +humour, a sprightliness always entertaining, and a quickness of thought, +that gives her conversation an air of something very _like_ wit, and +which I dare say passes for the thing itself with most people. + + + _July 24_ + +I have returned lady V----'s visit, and am more delighted with her than +before, Mr Arnold went with me; but my lord not being at home, he went +to ramble about the grounds, so that I had a long _tête à tête_ with +lady V----. She is an admirable woman, so fine an understanding, such +delicacy of sentiment, and such an unaffected complaisance in her +manner, that I do not wonder my lord perfectly adores her. There is a +tenderness, a maternal kindness in her behaviour towards me, that fills +me at once with love and reverence for her; and, next to my Cecilia, I +think I never met with any woman whom I could so highly esteem as lady +V----. She is an admirable mistress of her needle, and every room in her +house exhibits some production of a very fine genius, united with very +great industry: for there are beds, chairs, and carpets, besides some +very pretty rural prospects in panels, executed with inimitable skill, +and very excellent taste. She tells me, if I will give her leave to +bring her work with her, she will live whole days with me. + +I am rejoiced now that Mr Arnold thought of coming to South-Park. How +valuable is the acquaintance of such a woman as lady V----! and I might +never have known her, but for a circumstance to which I was at first so +averse. And then my agreeable lively Mrs Gerrarde! My acquaintance at +Arnold-abbey begin to fade upon my memory: to say the truth, I think of +none of them with pleasure, but Mrs Vere, and my good humoured old Dean. + + + _August 4_ + +Mrs Gerrarde is a little saucy monopolist; she grumbles if I do not see +her every day, and is downright jealous of my intimacy with lady V----. +They are acquainted, but I don't find there is a very close intercourse +between them: Mrs Gerrarde says, her ladyship is too good a houswife for +her; and as she is not very fond of needle-work herself, she cannot +endure people that are always poring over a frame. I find indeed, that +this sprightly rogue is fonder of cards than of work; she draws Mr +Arnold and me in very often for a pool at piquet: at her house I am +obliged to submit; but at my own, I often take up a book, when she and +Mr Arnold are engaged at their game, and make them decide the contest +between them. Nay, I threaten that I will, some night or other, steal +to-bed and leave them; for she is unconscionable at late hours; and as +she lives very near us, and keeps a chariot, she does not scruple to go +home at any hour of the night. What a pity it is so amiable a woman +should be thus fondly attached to so unprofitable an amusement! for I +begin to see play is her foible; though, to do her justice, she never +engages but for very trifling sums, and that only in our own little +domestic way. But this passion may grow upon her, and she may be led +unawares into the losing more than her fortune can bear. + + + _August 12_ + +I never was so disconcerted as I have been this day: you will be +surprized when I tell you, it was by my good lady V----. She came to +pass the day with me, Mr Arnold being engaged abroad. + +We were both sitting at work in the parlour: lady V---- had continued +silent for a good while; at last looking at me with a most benign smile, +for I had at the same instant cast my eyes at her; I was just then +thinking, my dear Mrs Arnold, said she, that I once (though perhaps you +did not know it) flattered myself with the hopes of being related to +you. Her words threw me into confusion, though I did not know their +meaning. It would have been both an honour and a happiness to me, madam, +I replied, though I don't know by what means I was ever likely to +possess it. She continued smiling, but seemed in suspence whether she +should proceed. You will pardon my curiosity my dear, said she, but give +me leave to ask, whether Mr Arnold was not once near losing the +happiness he now enjoys? I felt my face glow as she spoke. There was +once a treaty of marriage on foot, madam, I answered, between me and +another gentleman. I am sorry I mentioned it, said my lady, observing my +confusion; but as I was no stranger to the affair while it was +transacting, and Mr Faulkland is a kinsman of mine, I hope you will +forgive my inquisitiveness; for I own I have a curiosity, which I +believe no body but yourself can gratify; and if I did not think you the +most candid, as well as the best tempered creature living, I durst not +push my enquiry. My lord, you are to know, was in London, at the time Mr +Faulkland was first introduced to you; and as they are extremely fond +of each other, Mr Faulkland did not scruple to disclose his passion to +him, nor the success it then appeared likely to be crowned with, giving +him at the same time such a character of you, as I have since found you +deserve. + +When my lord returned to V---- hall, which he was obliged to do very +soon after Mr Faulkland had made this discovery to him, he informed me +of the alliance my cousin Faulkland was going to make; and we were +pleasing ourselves with the thoughts of congratulating him on his +happiness, when we received a letter from him that put an end to all our +expectations; this letter contained but four distracted lines: he told +my lord, in broken sentences, that he had lost all hopes of Miss +Bidulph; that an act of indiscretion had been construed into a capital +crime; and that being banished from the presence of the woman he adored, +he was immediately about to bid adieu to England, perhaps for ever. + +This was the substance of what he wrote to us: we have heard from him +since a few times, but he never cleared up the matter to us, nor even so +much as mentioned it. I have not been in London since; my lord has; but +he never could get any light into the mystery: he heard from some of our +friends, who knew of the intended match, that it was broke off nobody +knew why. There were, however, several idle surmises thrown out; some +laid the blame on Mr Faulkland, and some on you; but the truth I believe +still remains a secret. Now, my dear, if my curiosity is improper, or if +there was any particular motive to this disappointment of my kinsman's +hopes, which you don't chuse to reveal, forgive my enquiry, and think no +more of it; but take up that book, and read to me while I work. + +Though my lady gave me this kind opportunity of evading her question, I +did not lay hold of it: I did not indeed chuse to reveal the whole of +this affair, because I did not think myself at liberty to divulge Miss +Burchell's secret, however I might discover my own. I told my lady in +general terms, that though Mr Faulkland might pretend to a lady every +way my superior, yet there was an objection to him of no small weight +with us; that my mother had been informed of a very recent piece of +gallantry he had had with a person of some condition, and that it had +disgusted her so much, she could not think of uniting me with a man +whose passions were not a little more staid; and that this was the sole +reason of her dislike to a gentleman, who was in every other respect +unexceptionable. I am glad it was no worse, said lady V----, smiling; I +am sure Mr Faulkland is not capable of a _base_ action; youthful +follies he may have had, though I believe as few even of those to answer +for as most men of his years. I make not the least doubt, however, that +lady Bidulph was guided by prudence in what she did. She certainly could +not be too cautious in the disposal of _such_ a child as you; and +whatever Mr Faulkland's disappointment may be, _you_ I hope are happy. +Lady V---- looked at me as she pronounced these words, with an +inquisitive, though tender regard. I was glad of an opportunity of +enlarging on the merits of Mr Arnold, and told her, I was as happy as my +heart could wish, or the worthiest of men could make me. I am glad of +it, said she, with a quickness in her voice, but don't imagine, my dear +Mrs Arnold, (and she took me by the hand) that I introduced this +conversation merely to gratify a curiosity, which I fear you must +condemn in your private thoughts, though you have been so good as to +satisfy it: I had another reason, a much stronger one. What is it dear +madam? almost starting with apprehensions of I did not know what. Don't +be alarmed, said she smiling, it is only this; a great aunt of Mr +Faulkland's is lately dead, who has left him a considerable personal +estate, and he is coming over to take possession of it; otherwise I +don't know when we should have seen him in England. My lord had a letter +very lately from him; he was then at Turin, where he had met with our +eldest son, who is now on his travels: he told us he had letters and +some tokens of love to deliver us from him; and that he should +immediately on his arrival in England come to V---- hall, where he would +pass a month with us. Now as we expect him daily, I had a mind to +apprize you of his intended visit, that you might not be surprized, by +perhaps unexpectedly meeting him at my house. I thanked her ladyship for +her obliging caution, though I thought it had something in it that +mortified me. I told her, that though I should not seek to renew my +acquaintance with Mr Faulkland, yet had I no reason to avoid him. Lady +V----, who is extremely quick of apprehension, replied, Without doubt, +madam, you have not; but you might be surprized at seeing him +notwithstanding. + +She presently turned the discourse; but made me happy the whole day, by +that inexhaustible fund of good sense and improving knowlege, of which +she is mistress. + +Mr Arnold came not home 'till very late; he complains that he is got +into a knot of acquaintance that like the bottle too well; but I am sure +his natural sobriety is such, that it will not be in the power of +example to lead him into intemperance; though I am vexed he has fallen +into such acquaintance, because I know drinking is disagreeable to him: +yet a country gentleman must sometimes give a little into it, to avoid +the character of being singular. + + + _August 22_ + +Surprized I was not, because I came prepared; but I own I was abashed, +at seeing Mr Faulkland to-day. Mr Arnold and I were invited to dine at +Lord V----'s, and his lordship, and his guest, came in from the fields +where they had been walking, just as we were ready to sit down to table. + +There happened to be a good deal more company; Mr Faulkland was not +introduced; so that there was no room for any thing constrained or +improper of either side. I presently recovered the little embarrassment, +that his first entrance into the room occasioned. I am sure nobody took +notice of it; for dinner being immediately served, there was a sort of +bustle in hurrying out of the drawing-room. The crowd we had at table +destroyed all conversation; and nothing particular was said during +dinner. Lady V---- soon withdrew, and all her female friends followed +her. I observed she frequently glanced her penetrating eyes at Mr +Faulkland while we were at table, but I did not chuse to make any +observations on him. We had not been long seated at our Coffee, when +four of the gentlemen slipped from their company and came to us: these +were Mr Arnold, Mr Faulkland, and two others. My lord is pretty free at +his bottle, and none of these gentlemen I suppose were fond of that +entertainment. Lady V---- and I were sitting on a couch: I called to Mr +Arnold, and placed him between us: Mr Faulkland approached me, and then, +for the first time, with a respectful distance, enquired after my mother +and Sir George, telling me he had missed of the latter, when he was in +London, being told he was at Sidney-castle. After a few more indifferent +questions, he took a dish of coffee, and retired with it to a window. Mr +Arnold asked me in a whisper, if I was acquainted with Mr Faulkland; I +could only answer, that I was formerly very well acquainted with him. +Nothing more passed between Mr Faulkland and me the whole evening: he +returned soon to the company in the next room, and I saw no more of him. + +I can with the utmost sincerity assure my Cecilia, that I now behold Mr +Faulkland with as much indifference as I do any other man of my +acquaintance. Time, joined to my own efforts, must, without any other +help, have intirely subdued an inclination, which was always restrained +by prudential motives, and rendered subservient to my duty; but I have, +besides this, now acquired a shield that must render me invulnerable; I +mean the perfect and tender affection I bear my husband: this has +completely secured me against the most distant apprehensions of being +alarmed from any other quarter; yet notwithstanding all this, I can't +say that I am quite satisfied at this renewal of my acquaintance with Mr +Faulkland. I hope, and indeed it is reasonable to suppose, that I have +now as little interest in _his_ heart as he has in mine: it is but +natural to believe that a gay young man like him, should not be so weak +as to nourish a hopeless passion for more than two years, especially as +he has never once seen the object of it in all that time; and must, +without doubt, have had his attention engaged to others in all +likelihood much preferable to her; so that I think I have reason to be +as easy on his account as on my own. But still I am disquieted in my +mind; I have a delicacy that takes alarm at the veriest trifles, and has +been a source of pain to me my whole lifetime: it makes me unhappy to +think that I am now under an almost unavoidable necessity of sometimes +seeing and conversing with a man, who once had such convincing proofs, +that he was not indifferent to me. + +Mr Arnold's ignorance of our former connections makes it still worse. At +the time I was so averse to his knowing any thing of this affair, I +flattered myself I should never see Mr Faulkland more, or at least never +be obliged to have any intercourse with him; but I now lament that I did +not take my mother's advice, and disclose the whole affair at first. Oh! +my Cecilia, when the smallest deviations from candor (which we suppose +discretion), are thus punished with remorse, what must they feel whose +whole life is one continued act of dissimulation? If Mr Arnold had been +acquainted with my former engagements, my heart would be more at ease, +and I should then converse with this man with all the disengaged freedom +of a common friend. I wish Mr Arnold's curiosity would excite him to ask +me some questions relative to my acquaintance with Mr Faulkland, that I +might have an opportunity of telling him the secret. But the enquiry he +made at lady V----'s was in a careless manner; he was satisfied with my +reply, and spoke not of him since. + +You will laugh perhaps when I tell you that I have not courage to +mention it first; Mr Faulkland is reckoned a very fine gentleman, and I +think it would have such an air of vanity to tell my husband that I +refused him: then it would bring on such a train of explanations, and +poor Miss Burchell's history must come out; for a husband on such a +subject might be disgusted with concealments of any kind; and I doubt +whether even some circumstances in my particular share of this story +might not displease him. In short, I am bewildered, and know not what to +wish for; but must e'en let things take their course, and rest satisfied +in the integrity of my own heart. + + + _August 26_ + +Oh! my dear! I am mortified to the last degree, lest Mr Arnold should, +from some indiscreet tongue, have received a hint of my former +engagement; he may think me disingenuous for never having mentioned it, +especially since Mr Faulkland has been in the neighbourhood: I think his +nature is too open to entertain any suspicions essentially injurious to +me; yet may this affair, circumstanced as it is, make an unfavourable +impression on him. I wish I had been before-hand with any officious +whisperer: he has got so many new acquaintance, and is so much abroad, +that the story may have reached his ears. God forbid it should affect +his mind with causeless uneasiness! I would Mr Faulkland were a thousand +miles from V---- hall. I think Mr Arnold is altered since his arrival +there--Colder he appears to be--I hope I but _fancy_ it--yet there _is_ +a change--his looks are less kind--his voice has lost that tenderness, +that it used to have in speaking to me--yet this may only be his +temper--a man cannot _always_ be a lover--Oh! I sicken at the very +thought of Mr Arnold's entertaining a doubt of my true affection for +him. I would not live in this suspence for millions. I would rather he +should treat me roughly--if I discovered that to be his humour, though +it would frighten me, yet should I patiently conform to it. + + + _August 30_ + +That which was ever the terror of my thoughts is come upon me--Mr +Arnold--Ah! my dear Cecilia! Mr Arnold is no longer the same! Coldness +and indifference have at length succeeded to love, to complacency, and +the fondest attention--What a change! but the _cause_, my dear, that +remains a secret locked up in his own breast. It cannot be that a +whisper, an idle rumour should affect him thus. What if he _has_ heard +that Mr Faulkland loved me once? That we were to have been married? +Cannot he ask me the question? I long to set his heart at ease--yet +cannot mention the affair first, after so long a silence; it would look +like a consciousness. A consciousness of what? I have nothing to accuse +myself of. + + + _September 1_ + +I am no longer in doubt.--The cause, the fatal cause of Mr Arnold's +change is discovered. This miserable day has disclosed the secret to me; +a black, a complicated scene of mischief. + +Mr Arnold rode out this morning. He told me he was to dine with a +gentleman at some miles distance, and should not return till late in the +evening. + +He was but just gone, when a lady of my acquaintance called in upon me, +to request I would go with her to a play, that was to be performed at +night. You must know we have had a company of players in the +neighbourhood for some time past, and it was to one of those poor +people's benefits that she desired my company. I promised to attend her, +though you know I don't much admire those sort of entertainments in the +country, and seldom go to them. + +The lady and her husband called upon me at the appointed hour, and I +went with them in their coach. The place which the players had fitted up +for their purpose, had formerly been a pretty large schoolroom, and +could, with the addition of a gallery (which they had made) with ease +contain above three hundred people. The play had been bespoke by some of +the principal ladies in the neighbourhood, who had used all their +interest for the performer, so that the house was as full as it could +hold. The audience consisting chiefly of fashionable people, it was with +difficulty that we reached the places which were kept for us in the pit, +as they happened to be on the bench next the stage, and the door was at +the other end of the house. The first object that I observed on my +coming in was Mr Faulkland; he bowed to me at a distance, but made no +attempts to approach me. The play was come to the latter end of the +fourth act, and the curtain was let down to make some preparation on the +stage, when we were alarmed with the cry of fire. + +It happened that the carpenters, who had been employed in fitting up +this extempore theatre, had left a heap of shavings in a little place +behind the stage, which had been converted into a dressing-room; a +little boy belonging to the company had found a candle in it, and having +piled up the shavings, set them on fire, and left them burning: the +flame communicated itself to some dry boards which lay in the room, and +in a few minutes the whole was in a blaze. Some persons, who heard the +crackling of the wood, opened the door, when the flame burst out with +such violence, that the scenes were presently on fire, and the curtain, +which as I told you was dropt, soon caught it. + +The consternation and terror of the poor people, whose _all_ was +destroying, is not to be described: the women shrieking, threw +themselves off the stage into the pit, as the smoke and flames terrified +them from attempting to get out any other way, though there was a door +behind the stage. + +The audience were in little less confusion than they; for as the house +was composed chiefly of wood, every one expected it would soon be +consumed to ashes. + +The horror and distraction of my mind almost deprived me of the power of +motion. My life was in imminent danger; for I was scorched with the fire +before I could get at any distance from the stage, though the people +were rushing out as fast as they could. + +The lady who was with me was exceedingly frightned; but being under her +husband's care, had a little more courage than I had. He caught her +round the waist, and lifted her over the benches, which were very high, +giving me what assistance he could with his other hand. But the terror +and hurry I was in occasioned my foot to slip, and I fell between two of +the benches, and sprained my ancle. + +Some people pushing to get out, rushed between me and my company; the +excessive pain I felt, joined to my fright, made me faint away; in this +condition Mr Faulkland found me, and carried me out in his arms; for my +companion was too anxious for her own safety, to suffer her husband to +stay to give me any assistance, so that he had only time to beg of the +men about him not to let me perish. + +I soon recovered, upon being carried into the open air, and found myself +seated on some planks, at a little distance from the booth, Mr Faulkland +supporting me, and two or three other people about me, whom he had +called to my assistance. + +Indebted to him as I was for saving my life, my spirits were at that +time too much agitated to thank him as I ought. + +He told me, he had stepped behind the scenes to speak to somebody, and +was there when the stage took fire; that he then ran to give what +assistance he could to the ladies that were in the house (observe he +distinguished not _me_ in particular), and had just come in when he saw +me meet with the accident, which had occasioned my fainting away; and +when the gentleman, who was with me, was calling for help, but at the +same time getting out as fast as he could. + +I now began to recollect myself; I was uneasy at Mr Faulkland's +presence; I wished him away. I beseeched him to return once more to the +booth, to see if every one had got out safe, for I told him I had seen +several of my female acquaintance there, for whom I was alarmed. With +the assistance of the people about me, I said I could make a shift to +get to the nearest house, which was not above a hundred yards off, from +whence I should send home for my chariot, which I had ordered to come to +me after the play. He begged I would give him leave to see me safe to +that house, but I would not permit him; and he left me in the care of +two women and a man, who had come to be spectators of the fire. + +With the help of these people, I contrived to hobble (for my ancle +pained me exceedingly) to the place I mentioned, which happened to be a +public house. All the rooms below were full, and the woman of the house +very obligingly helped me up stairs into her own chamber. I called for a +glass of water, which was immediately brought me, and I desired the +woman to send some one to my house, which was at about a mile's +distance, to order my chariot to come to me immediately. + +While the woman went to execute my instructions, I had thrown myself +into a chair that stood close to the wainscot. I heard a bell ring, and +presently a waiter entered, and asked if I wanted any thing; I told him, +no. He ran hastily out of the room, and entering the next to that where +I was sitting, I heard a voice, which I knew to be Mr Arnold's, ask, +Were the servants found? The man replying that they were not. Then, said +Mr Arnold, tell your mistress she will oblige me if she will let me have +her chaise to carry this lady home. The waiter presently withdrew, and +without reflecting on the particularity of Mr Arnold's being there with +a lady, about whom I formed no conjectures, I was about to rise off my +chair to go in to him; but being almost disabled from walking, I was +obliged to creep along, holding by the wainscot; when a tender +exclamation of Mr Arnold's stopped me. My dearest creature, said he to +his companion, you have not yet recovered your fright. A female voice +answered him with some fond expressions, which I could not hear +distinctly enough to discover whose it was; but I was soon put out of +doubt, when the lady added, in a louder tone, Do you know that your wife +was at the play to-night? Mr Arnold answered, No; I hope she did not see +me. Mrs Gerrarde, for I perceived it was she who spoke, replied, I hope +not, because perhaps she might expect you home after the play. Though Mr +Arnold, in his first emotion of surprize at hearing that I was at the +play, was only anxious lest I should have observed him, yet he was not +so lost to humanity as to be indifferent whether I escaped the flames or +not: I am surprized I did not see her, said he; I wish she may have got +out of the house safe. You are very sollicitous about her, replied Mrs +Gerrarde, peevishly; there was one there perhaps as anxious for her +preservation as you are--The conversation I found here was likely to +become extremely critical for me; but I was prevented from hearing any +more, by the woman of the house, who just then entered the room to ask +me how I did, and to know if I wanted any thing. + +I had heard enough to convince me that my presence would be very +unacceptable both to Mr Arnold and his companion, and I resolved not to +interrupt them; nor, if possible, ever let Mr Arnold know that I had +made a discovery so fatal to my own peace, and so disadvantageous to him +and his friend. + +The messenger who had been dispatched for my chariot met it by the way, +and was now returned with it; I was told that it was at the door; and it +was with difficulty I got down stairs, leaning on the woman of the +house. + +I found Mr Faulkland at the door; he saw that I wished to disengage +myself from him after he had carried me out of the booth; and though +probably he did not take the trouble to excuse the sham commission I +gave him, which was indeed with no other view than to get him away, yet +I believe he had too much respect to intrude on me; and came then with +no other design than to enquire if my chariot had come for me, and how I +was after the terrible condition he had left me in, sitting at night in +the open air, with nobody but two or three ordinary people about me, and +those strangers. This was a piece of civility which humanity, had +politeness been out of the question, would have obliged him to. He told +me the fire was extinguished, and happily nobody had received any hurt; +and that he had only called at that house to know if I were safe, and +recovered from the fright and pain he had left me in. I thanked him, and +was just stepping, assisted by Mr Faulkland, into the chariot, when Mr +Arnold appeared at the door: he was alone, and I concluded, that having +heard the chariot rattle up the court-yard, he supposed it was the +carriage he had ordered for Mrs Gerrarde, and came down to see if it was +ready to receive her. + +The light which the servant, who attended me out, held in his hand, +immediately discovered Mr Arnold and me to each other. I could easily +distinguish surprize mixed with displeasure in his countenance. He +asked me abruptly, How I came to that place? Which I told him, in few +words. The cold civility of a grave bow passed between him and Mr +Faulkland, who leaving me in my husband's hands, wished me a good night, +and got into my lord V----'s coach, which waited for him. + +Though I knew, from the discourse I had overheard, that Mr Arnold did +not mean to go home with me, yet as I was now seated in the chariot, I +could not avoid asking him. He told me, he was engaged to sup with +company at that house, and that probably he should not be at home till +late. I knew this beforehand, and, without troubling him with any +farther questions, drove home. + +I have thrown together the strange occurrences of this evening, as well +as the tumult of my spirits would give me leave: I shall now lay down my +pen, to consider of them a little more calmly. My heart sinks in me--Oh! +that I had remained in ignorance!-- + +Is it possible, my Cecilia, that Mr Arnold, so good a man, one who +married me for love, and who for these two years has been the tenderest, +the kindest husband, and to whom I never gave the most distant shadow of +offence, should at last be led into--I cannot name it--dare not think of +it--yet a thousand circumstances recur to my memory, which now convince +me I am unhappy! If I had not been blind, I might have seen it sooner. I +recollect some passages, which satisfy me that Mr Arnold's acquaintance +with Mrs Gerrarde did not commence at South-park. I remember lady V---- +once asked me, had she and I been acquainted in London? I said, No. My +lord laughed, and in his blunt way said, I will swear your husband was, +for I have seen him hand her out from the play more than once. I never +asked Mr Arnold about this; it made no impression on me at the time it +was spoke, and went quick-out of my thoughts. + +'Tis one o'clock: I hear Mr Arnold ring at the outer gate; I tremble all +over, and feel as if I feared to see him. Yet why should I fear? _I_ +have not injured _him_. + + + _September 2_ + +Mr Arnold staid long enough in his dressing-room after he came in last +night, to give me time to go to-bed before he came up stairs. Not a word +passed between us: I slept not the whole night: whether he did or not I +cannot tell. He asked me this morning, when he rose, how I did: I told +him in great pain. My ancle was prodigiously swelled, and turned quite +black, for I had neglected it last night. He said, you had better let a +surgeon see it, and went carelessly out of the room. How new is +unkindness to me, my friend! you know I have not been used to it. Mr +Arnold adds cruelty too--but let it be so; far be reproaches or +complaints from my lips; to you only, my second self, shall I utter +them; to you I am bound by solemn promise, and reciprocal confidence, to +disclose the inmost secrets of my soul, and with you they are as safe as +in my own breast.-- + +I am once more composed, and determined on my behaviour. I have not a +doubt remaining of Mr Arnold's infidelity; but let me not aggravate my +own griefs, nor to a vicious world justify my husband's conduct, by +bringing any reproach on my own. The silent sufferings of the injured, +must, to a mind not ungenerous, be a sharper rebuke than it is in the +power of language to inflict. + +But this is not all: I must endeavour, if possible, to skreen Mr Arnold +from censure. I hope his own imprudence may not render these endeavours +ineffectual. I am resolved not to drop my acquaintance with Mrs +Gerrarde. While we continue upon a footing of seeming intimacy, the +frequent visits, which I am sure Mr Arnold makes at her house, will be +less taken notice of. + +How Sir George would triumph at the knowlege of Mr Arnold's deviating +from virtue! How my poor mother would be amazed and afflicted! But I +will, as far as lies in my power, disappoint the malice of my stars; my +mother shall have no cause to grieve, nor my brother to rejoice; the +secret shall die with me in my own bosom, and I will wait patiently, +till the hand of time applies a remedy to my grief.--Mrs Gerrarde sent a +message to enquire how I did. Conscious woman! she would not come +herself, though she knew not I had discovered her. + +My dear good lady V---- hurried to see me the instant she had +breakfasted: Mr Faulkland had told her of my disaster, and her +tenderness soothed and comforted me much. She sat by my bed-side two +hours, and her discourse alleviated the pain both of my mind and body; +but now she has left me, I must again recur to the subject that wrings +my heart. Mr Arnold is enslaved to one of the most artful of her sex. I +look upon his attachment to be the more dangerous, as I believe it is +the first of the kind he ever had; and no woman was ever more formed to +please and to deceive, than she who now holds him in her chains. Into +what hands am I fallen! Mrs Gerrarde must have heard my story, and by +the hint I heard her drop, what cruel misrepresentations may she have +made to Mr Arnold! Mr Faulkland, she can have no enmity to; but me she +certainly hates, for she has injured me. + +'Tis noon: I have not seen Mr Arnold since morning; he has been abroad +ever since he rose; Good God! is this the life I am condemned to lead? + +A new scene of affliction is opened to me: surely my fate is drawing +towards a crisis. Mr Arnold has just left me. What conversation have we +had! + +After entering my room, he walked about for some minutes without +speaking; at last stopping short, and fixing his eyes upon me, How long +have you, said he, been acquainted with Mr Faulkland? I told him my +acquaintance began with him some months before I was married. He was +once your lover I am informed. He was, and a treaty of marriage was +concluded on between us. You would have been happier perhaps, madam, if +it had taken place. I do not think so Mr Arnold, you have no reason to +suppose I do. I had a very great objection to Mr Faulkland, and obeyed +my mother willingly, when she forbid me to see him. I ask not what that +objection was, said he; but I suppose, madam, you will without +reluctance obey _me_, if I make the same request to you. Most +chearfully; you cannot make a request with which I should more readily +comply. But let me beseech you, Mr Arnold, to tell me, what part of my +behaviour has given you cause to think such a prohibition necessary? I +do not say, answered Mr Arnold, that I have any suspicion of your +virtue; but your acquiescence in this particular is necessary to _my_ +peace and your _own_ honour. A lady's being _married_ does not cut off +the hopes of a gay man. You give me your promise that you will not see +him any more. I _do_, said I; I will give up lady V----, whose +acquaintance I so much esteem: I will go no more to her house while Mr +Faulkland continues there; and I know of no other family, where I visit, +that he is acquainted with. + +My pride would not suffer me to enquire where he had got his +information: I already knew it too well; and fearing he would rather +descend to an untruth than tell me his author, I declined any farther +questions. He seemed satisfied with my promise, but quickly left me, as +if the whole end of his visit to me was accomplished in having obtained +it. + + + _September 8_ + +What painful minutes am I obliged to sustain! Mrs Gerrarde has been to +see me, gay and assured as ever. She affected to condole with me on the +accident that happened to my foot, with such an overstrained concern, +such a tender solicitude, that her insincerity disgusted me, if +possible, more than the other part of her behaviour. She told me, she +herself had been at the play, but very luckily had got out without +receiving any injury. I said, I was surprized I had not seen her there. +O, replied she, I was in a little snug corner, where nobody could see +me; for having refused to go with some ladies that asked me, I did not +chuse to be visible in the house, and so squeezed myself up into what +they called their gallery, for I took nobody with me but my maid. +Audacious woman!--Is it not strange, my dear, that Mr Arnold could be so +weak as to humour her in the absurd frolick of going with her to such a +place? for so it must have been; or perhaps she appointed him only to +call for her at the play; and he might have arrived but just in time to +assist her in getting out. No matter which it was. + + + _September 9_ + +I was born to sacrifice my own peace to that of other people; my life is +become miserable, but I have no remedy for it but patience. + +Mr Arnold spends whole days abroad; at night we are separated on account +of my indisposition; so that we hardly ever converse together. What a +dreadful prospect have I before me! O! Cecilia, may you never experience +the bitterness of having your husband's heart alienated from you! + +Lady V----, that best of creatures, is with me constantly; she presses +me to come to her house, as my ancle is now pretty well, yet I am +obliged to excuse myself. I am distressed to the last degree at the +conduct I shall be forced to observe towards her, yet dare not explain +the motive. Causeless jealousy is always the subject of ridicule, and at +all events Mr Arnold must not be exposed to this. + + + _September 12_ + +I am weary of inventing excuses for absenting myself from V---- hall. My +lady has done solliciting me, yet continues her friendly and +affectionate visits; I fear she guesses my situation, though she has not +as yet hinted at it; but her forbearing to press me any more on the +subject of going to her, and at the same time not requiring a reason for +this breach of civility as well as friendship, convinced me, that she +suspects the cause of my restraint. I am now perfectly recovered, yet +do I still confine myself to my house, to avoid as much as possible +giving umbrage to lady V----: but this restraint cannot last much +longer; Mrs Gerrarde teazes me to come to her, and I have promised to +make her my first visit. + + + _September 27_ + +Said I not that my fate was near its crisis? Where will this impending +ruin end? Take, my Cecilia, the occurrences of this frightful day. + +Mr Arnold rode out this morning, and told me he should not return till +night. He asked me, with that indifference which now accompanies all his +words, How I meant to dispose of myself for the day? I told him, I had +no design of going abroad, and should spend my time in reading, or at my +needle. This was my real intention; but Mr Arnold had but just left the +house, when I received a message from Mrs Gerrarde to know how I did, +and to tell me she was not well, and much out of spirits, or she would +come and pass the day with me; but that she insisted on my dining with +her. As I had told Mr Arnold I did not mean to go out, I really had +neither intention nor inclination to do so. But shall I confess my +weakness to you? I suspected that he purposed spending the day (as he +often did) with Mrs Gerrarde, and the more so from the question he had +asked me on his going abroad; he thought I might probably pay her a +visit; and this intrusion was a circumstance he had a mind to be guarded +against, by knowing before-hand my designs. I had not been to see Mrs +Gerrarde since my recovery, and it was natural to suppose I would return +her visits. Possessed as I was with this opinion, her message gave me a +secret satisfaction, as it served to convince me Mr Arnold was not to be +with her, for she generally detained me late when I went to her house. +From what trivial circumstances will the afflicted draw consolation, or +an additional weight of grief? So it was, I felt a sort of pleasure, in +thinking, that for all that day at least Mr Arnold would absent himself +from my rival--My rival! mean word, she is not worthy to be called so; +from his mistress let it be. In short, I resolved to go, especially as +she had sent me word she was not well, and I knew my husband would be +pleased with my complaisance. + +I went accordingly to her house, a little before her hour of dining, +which is much later than any body else's in this part of the world. I +found her dressed out, and seemingly in perfect health. She looked +surprized when she saw me; and I then supposed that she hoped to have +received a denial from me, and was disappointed at my coming; though I +wondered that the answer she received to her message had not prepared +her. This thought rushed into my mind in an instant, and I was sure she +expected Mr Arnold. I told her, if I had thought I should have found her +so well, that her message should not have brought me to her; for that I +had determined not to stir out that day, till her invitation prevailed +on me to change my mind. Sure, my dear, said she, there must have been +some mistake in delivering the message to you, it was for to-morrow I +desired the pleasure of your company to dine with me; for today I am +absolutely engaged. However, I am very glad you are come, for I shall +not go out till seven o'clock. I was vexed and mortified: either your +servant or mine made a mistake, said I, for I was told you desired to +see me to-day; besides you sent me word you were not well. She seemed a +little abashed at this: I _was_ very ill in the morning, she said; and +though I was engaged to spend the evening abroad, did intend to have +sent an excuse; but finding myself better, I changed my purpose. + +Dinner was immediately served, and I sat down, but with a reluctance +that prevented me from eating. I would have taken my leave soon after +dinner, but Mrs Gerrarde insisted on my staying, and told me, if I +refused her, she should think I had taken something amiss of her. She +called for cards; I suffered myself to be persuaded, and we fell to +piquet. + +I played with disgust, and without attention, every minute wishing to +break away. Coffee was at length brought in; I begged to be excused from +staying, telling Mrs Gerrarde, I was sure I prevented her from going +abroad, but she would take no denial. I was constrained to take a dish +of coffee, and was hastening to get it down when the parlour door flew +open, and lo! Mr Faulkland entered the room. If an object the most +horrible to human nature had appeared before me, it could not, at that +instant, have shocked me half so much. I let the cup and saucer drop +from my hand: to say I turned pale, trembled and was ready to faint, +would be too feeble a description of the effect this spectre had on me. +I was senseless, I almost died away. Mrs Gerrarde pretended to be +greatly alarmed; she ran for drops, and having given me a few in a glass +of water, I made a shift to rise off my chair, and telling her, I should +be glad of a little air, tottered to the street door. I determined to go +home directly, but the universal tremor I was now in, disabled me from +walking, and I sat down in the porch to recover myself a little. Mr +Faulkland's having been a witness to the agony his presence had thrown +me into, did not a little aggravate the horror and confusion of my +thoughts. Whatever _his_ were, he had not spoke to me, nor was it +possible for me to have remarked his behaviour: I staid not more than +two minutes in the parlour after he entered. In this situation you will +think my distress would hardly admit of any addition; but the final blow +was yet to come. Mrs Gerrarde had staid a minute in the parlour to speak +to Mr Faulkland after I went out, but presently followed me, and was +soothing me with the kindest expressions, when I heard the trampling of +horses, and presently beheld Mr Arnold alighting at the door. I now gave +myself up for lost. My mind suddenly suggested to me that Mrs Gerrarde +had contrived a plot upon my innocence; but how she had been able to +bring it about, my thoughts were not then disengaged enough to conceive. +My mind was all a chaos; I was not able to answer Mr Arnold when he +spoke to me. He soon perceived my disorder, and enquired the cause. Mrs +Gerrarde took upon her to answer, that I was just preparing to go home, +when I was taken suddenly ill. I was going abroad, said she, and as I +ordered the chariot much about this hour, I fancy it is ready, and may +as well carry Mrs Arnold home; you had best step into the parlour, my +dear, (to me) till it is brought to the door. + +I am now able to walk, madam, said I; there is no occasion to give you +that trouble. Mr Arnold said, I should not walk by any means; and Mrs +Gerrarde immediately calling to a servant to order the chariot to the +door, said, as she was going out, she would leave me at home herself. Mr +Arnold answered, it would be the best way, and that he should follow +soon. The chariot was presently at the door, and I was preparing to get +into it, when Mrs Gerrarde cry'd, Bless me, I had forgot, it will not be +so civil to leave the gentleman behind, without saying any thing to him. +Mr Arnold hastily asked, What Gentleman? Mrs Gerrarde replied, Mr +Faulkland, _who took it into his head_ to make me a visit this evening. +She went quickly into the parlour, and strait returned with Mr +Faulkland; who bowing carelessly to Mr Arnold, and civilly to me, walked +away. + +Mrs Gerrarde stepped into the chariot to me, and ordered it to drive to +my house, leaving Mr Arnold standing motionless at her door. + +A total silence prevailed on my side during our short journey home, +except to answer in monosyllables Mrs Gerrarde's repeated enquiries +after my health. She set me down at my own door, and took her leave +without alighting. When I found myself alone, I began to consider the +consequences of this evening's fatal interview; an interview, which, +though unthought of by me, I judged was contrived to ensnare me. I laid +all the circumstances together, and endeavoured to unravel the clue. +'Tis plain to me Mr Arnold was expected by Mrs Gerrarde this evening. +She sent for me on purpose to betray me; the message, which she +pretended was delivered wrong, was only an artifice, in order to impose +on Mr Arnold, that he might imagine she did not expect me. Indeed, he +could not possibly think she should send for me on the very evening he +was to be with her; and she had so well guarded her contrivance, that it +was not easily to be detected. She had sent her message by word of +mouth, though she generally wrote them down on paper, but this way would +not have been liable to misconstruction: she had told me she was engaged +in the evening, yet detained me longer than I meant to stay. From the +first of these circumstances, it must appear to Mr Arnold, that as I had +come unwished for, she wanted to get rid of me; the latter obviously +served her own purpose; for it is as clear as daylight that she laid her +plan so as that Mr Arnold should find Mr Faulkland and me together. All +this I have deduced from a long train of reasoning on the circumstances. +But the inexplicable part of the mystery is how she contrived to get Mr +Faulkland, with whom I did not think she was acquainted, to visit her at +so fatally critical a juncture. Sure some evil spirit must have assisted +her in this wicked scheme: she knew, no doubt, of the promise Mr Arnold +had exacted of me, never to see him. The apparent breach of this +promise, she may have art enough to persuade Mr Arnold was concerted on +my side. But I hope I shall be able to clear myself of this cruel +imputation to my husband. Truth must force its way into his mind, if he +is not resolved on my destruction. Perhaps Mr Faulkland may be secretly +Mrs Gerrarde's admirer, and Mr Arnold is the dupe to her perfidy, as I +am the sacrifice to her malice and licentiousness.--'Tis all a strange +riddle, but I cannot remain long in this dismal state of suspence; Mr +Arnold, perhaps, may discover her treachery, while she is endeavouring +to destroy me in his good opinion. + +I am waiting here like a poor criminal, in expectation of appearing +before my judge. I wish Mr Arnold were come in, yet I dread to see him. + +I might have spared myself the anxiety. Mr Arnold is just returned, but +he has locked himself into another chamber. I will not molest him +tonight; to-morrow, perhaps, he may be in better temper, and I may be +able to justify myself to him, and dispel this frightful gloom that +hangs over us. + + + _September 13_ + +Hopes and fears are at an end, and the measure of my afflictions is +filled up. + +I went to bed last night, but slept not; the hours were passed in +agonies not to be described. I think all griefs are magnified by silence +and darkness. I well knew, prepossessed as Mr Arnold was by my artful +enemy, I should find it difficult to excuse myself, or persuade him, +that chance, or Mrs Gerrarde's more wicked contrivance, had been the +sole cause of what had given him such offence. I was resolved, however, +to vindicate my innocence, and was, in my own thoughts, preparing my +defence the greatest part of the night. Towards morning, weariness and +grief overpowered me, and I fell asleep, but I enjoyed not this repose +long. Some noise that was made in the house suddenly awakened me; I saw +it was broad day, and looking at my watch, found it was past seven +o'clock. I rang my bell, and Patty entering my room, I enquired if her +master was yet stirring. The poor girl looked aghast, He is gone away on +horseback, madam, said she, almost two hours ago; and he ordered his man +to put up some linnen and a few other things in a small portmanteau. I +believe he means not to return to-night; for he bid me to deliver this +letter to you. I opened the letter with trembling hands, from whence I +received my doom in the following words: + +'You have broken your faith with me, in seeing the man whom I forbad you +to see, and whom you so solemnly promised to avoid. As you have betrayed +my confidence in this particular, I can no longer rely on your prudence +or your fidelity. Whatever your designs may be, it will be less to my +dishonour if you prosecute them from under your husband's roof. I +therefore give you till this day se'nnight to consider of a place for +your future abode; for one house must no more contain two people, whose +hearts are divided. Our children remain with me, and the settlement +which was made on you in marriage, shall be appropriated to your +separate use. + +'I have left home to avoid expostulations, nor shall I return to it till +I hear you have removed yourself. Spare the attempt of a justification, +which can only aggravate the resentment of your already too-much injured +husband.' + +I have for a while suppressed the tumult in my soul, to give you this +shocking letter. + +O my Cecilia! What a wretched lot is thy unhappy friend's! To be +neglected, forsaken, despised, by a husband that I love! Yet I could +bear that: but to be suspected, accused too! to be at once the miserable +object of jealousy and scorn! Surely they know nothing of the human +heart, who say that jealousy cannot subsist without affection; I have a +fatal proof to the contrary. Mr Arnold loves me not, yet doubts my +honour. Cruel, mean, detestable suspicion! Oh that vile woman! 'tis she +has done this; like a persecuting dæmon she urges on the ruin which she +set on foot. + +What can I do? Whither can I fly? I cannot remain here any longer; my +presence banishes Mr Arnold from his home. If I go to my mother under +such circumstances, it will break her heart; yet she must know it. I +must not wait to be turned out of my own doors. That thought is not to +be borne. I will go this instant, no matter whither. + + + _September 15_ + +God preserve me in my senses! I have passed two days and two nights I +know not how; in silence and without food, Patty tells me. But I think I +am a little recovered. I will write to my mother, and beg of her to open +her arms to receive her miserable child. I am collected enough, and know +what to say. + +I had just dispatched my letter, incoherent as it is, and blotted with +my tears, when Patty brought me one that had come by the post. I knew my +dear mother's hand on the superscription, and kissed it before I opened +it. See, my sister, how the tenderest of parents write to her unhappy +child, whom she fondly believes to be the darling of her husband, and +blessed with domestic felicity. + + My beloved Sidney, + + I find age and infirmities are advancing a-pace upon me. My last + illness shook me severely, and has left a memorandum of what I may + expect in the next visit it makes me. Your family cares are now so + much enlarged, that I cannot expect, nor do I desire that you + should undertake a journey to Sidney-castle to pay me a short + visit; yet, my dear, as you are the comfort of my age, I cannot, + in the present precarious state of my health, bear to be at such a + distance from you; while God permits me strength I will lay hold + of his bounty, and endeavour to get to London. You have told me + that you are not conveniently circumstanced at South-park as to + room; I will not therefore incommode you, but shall content myself + with waiting your arrival in town, at your house in St. + James's-street; but do not hasten your departure from the country + on this account. I am in no immediate danger, my dear, only + willing to lay hold of an interval of health, to get nearer to + you. If God prolongs my life, what joy will it be to me to spend + next winter with my darling, and her dear good Arnold, and to + feast my eyes with my lovely grandchildren! + + If I am called from you, I shall have the comfort of my child's + affectionate hands to close my eyes; and shall leave the world + without regret, as I have lived to see my Sidney happy in the arms + of a good man, who will supply the loss of parents, and unite in + himself those tender ties which nature must soon dissolve. + + My prayers for yours, and my dear son's prosperity, I never fail + to offer up to Heaven. Your brother George is with me, and desires + to be remembered to you; he purposes staying here the greatest + part of the winter. + + As I hope to reach London by the latter end of the week, direct + your next to me at your own house in town. + + I am, + My dear love, + Your most sincerely, + affectionate mother, + DOROTHY BIDULPH. + +My heart is bursting--O Cecilia! What will become of my fond, my dear, +venerable parent, when she finds this daughter, this comfort of her age, +this beloved of her soul, a poor abandoned outcast; lost to her +husband's love, turned out of his doors, despised, disgraced! My +children too--I must leave them behind--My God, for what calamities hast +thou ordained thy creature! Tears, tears, you may well flow! + +So! I am relieved, and will endeavour to fortify my soul against the two +events, that appear to me horrid as an approaching execution to a guilty +wretch, the parting with my children, and the meeting with my mother. As +the letter I wrote will miss of her at Sidney-castle, I shall write to +London, to prepare her to receive the wretch whom her imagination has +figured to her so happy. + +Lady V----! I hear her coming up stairs--I cannot conceal my affliction, +nor my disgrace. + +Lady V---- has left me: left me in astonishment and new horror. Mrs +Gerrarde! Who do you think Mrs Gerrarde is? She is the aunt of Miss +Burchell, that aunt who betrayed her to destruction. Sure this woman was +sent into the world for a scourge! + +I cannot collect myself to tell you with any method, the conversation +that passed between lady V---- and me. She found me with the marks of +tears on my face; they streamed again at the sight of her; I could not +conceal the cause, and I put Mr Arnold's letter into her hands, for I +was not able to tell her the purport of it. + +This is Mrs Gerrarde's doing, said she, the detestable creature! How +could she work on your infatuated husband, to drive him such horrid +lengths? I know not, said I, but I hope my lady V---- believes me +innocent. Innocent, she exclaimed! My dear creature, your sufferings +almost make me mad. Do you know that Mrs Gerrarde has an intrigue with +your husband? I fear so, madam, I replied, but I hoped it was not +publick. Poor child, said lady V----, his attachment to her has been no +secret, ever since he came down to this country, though probably you +were the last to suspect it. I have often dreaded the consequences of +it, but never imagined it would have come to this; I always had a bad +opinion of the woman, and only kept up a face of civility to her in her +husband's time, on account of her niece, a charming girl that then lived +with her; but since Miss Burchell has left her, I have almost dropt my +acquaintance with her; though my lord, who had an old friendship for +captain Gerrarde, persuades me to be civil to her. + +The name of Miss Burchell had struck me speechless. The clue was now +unravelled. With what an unremitting zeal has this base woman gone on in +her career of iniquity? Lady V----, who was intirely taken up with the +thoughts of my unhappiness, took no notice of my silence or confusion. +What do you mean to do, my dear Mrs Arnold, said she? Do you think it is +not possible, by the interposition of friends, to disabuse your +unfortunate husband? For unfortunate he is, in a higher degree than +yourself, as you have conscious innocence to support you. Oh madam, said +I, it is in vain to think of it! Mrs Gerrarde has struck the blow +effectually. Were Mr Arnold left to the workings of his own heart, he +might, perhaps, relent; but that woman, like my evil genius and his, +will take care to keep his suspicions alive. She possesses his whole +heart, and my removal is become necessary, to the quiet of them both. I +have taken this resolution, I will immediately quit this house, and +leave it to a righteous God to vindicate me in his own time. You should +go no where but to my house, said lady V----, with tears in her eyes, +but that I think it an improper situation for you, while Mr Faulkland is +my guest. He will be distracted when he hears of this. I conjured lady +V---- not to tell him: my being parted from my husband cannot long be a +secret, said I, but the cause may. Lady V---- told me that Mr Faulkland +was that very morning set out for Sidney-castle, to see my brother; +having received a letter from him the day before, in which he told him +that my mother was going in a day or two to London, and begged he would +come and spend a week with him. She added, that Mr Faulkland purposed +doing so, and then to return to V---- hall, as my lord had obtained a +promise from him to stay some time longer with them; at least till the +old lady's affairs were settled, who had left her fortune to Mr +Faulkland, and to whom my lord V---- was executor. + +I told lady V---- I depended on her friendship, to keep this affair a +secret from Mr Faulkland, lest the heat of his temper should make him +take such notice of it, as might render my separation from Mr Arnold +doubly injurious to my character. Lady V---- saw the necessity of this +caution, and promised to observe it. She expressed great surprize at Mr +Faulkland's visiting Mrs Gerrarde, whom she said, she did not imagine he +had been acquainted with. He is no stranger, said she, to your husband's +amour with her, as it has often been a topic of discourse between my +lord and me; and I can hardly think he would be so indelicate as to +carry on a love-affair with such an abandoned creature; especially as I +have often heard him express the utmost detestation of her, on account +of her robbing you of your husband's affection; which I had observed for +a good while. But there is no knowing mankind, added she: if that should +be the case, you may depend upon it that vile Gerrarde has laid her plan +deeper than we are aware of, and would out-swear us all, that Faulkland +came to her house for no other purpose, than to have an opportunity of +seeing you; who to be sure, she said, had given him a private hint to +meet you there. Now the worst of it is, it is impossible to have this +matter cleared up to your husband, without Mr Faulkland's concurrence, +and that you will not consent to. By no means, I replied, I would not +for the world have Mr Faulkland interfere in my justification. If the +affair should really be as you have suggested, a little time may, +perhaps, discover this wicked woman to Mr Arnold, and it will not then +be so difficult to clear my innocence. At present, her influence over +him is too powerful for me to combat with; and I know he wishes for +nothing more than to free himself from the restraint that my presence +lays him under. + +Lady V---- acquiesced in my opinion, and said, she hoped a little time +would chace away the dark cloud that now hung over me. She staid with me +the whole day; it was a day of tears: the dear woman was quite subdued +at parting with me. I see you no more, dear lady V----, said I; I shall +go to London in two days--Preserve your fortitude, dearest Mrs Arnold, +she replied; the time will come when your husband will repent of the +bitter distress he has occasioned to you; my lord and I will use our +utmost endeavours to convince him of his error.--We shall meet in +London, my dear, I shall go thither early in the winter on purpose--Have +courage--Your innocence _must_ be cleared. I answered her not, my heart +was too full. We embraced, and lady V---- parted from me in silence. + +I have written to my mother, and directed my letter to St +James's-Street. I would have her prepared for the shock before she sees +me; a shock, which I fear she will not be able to sustain. + + + _September 16_ + +Mrs Gerrarde has never called or sent to me since I was at her house. +She has effected her purpose, and is contented without a triumph. + +I am prepared for my departure. To-morrow I turn my back upon my +husband's house, and upon my children. I have been weeping over them +this hour as they lie asleep in their nurse's arms. But I will look at +them no more.--Poor Patty is almost dead with grief; she would fain go +with me, but I have persuaded her to stay: I can rely on her fidelity +and her tenderness towards my children; she says, she _will_ be as +precious of them as the apple of her eyes, and will give me an account +of their welfare from time to time. Sure Mr Arnold will not turn _her_ +out too; she is an excellent manager, and he cannot do without a +housekeeper. + +I have been debating with myself whether I should write to Mr Arnold or +not, and have at length determined to depart in silence. It is an easy +matter for the guilty to make as bold asseverations as the innocent, and +nothing which I could now assert would make an impression on him. Had I +only his suspicions to combat, there might be hopes: but his _heart_ is +alienated from me; and while it continues attached to another, I despair +of his listening to the voice of reason or of justice. If ever his eyes +are opened, his error will prove sufficient punishment to him--Perhaps +my mother or my brother may put me in a way--My conduct, in time, I +hope, may justify me--Mean while I will not condescend to the weak +justification of words. + + + _September 18_ + +I have bid adieu to South-park, and arrived this morning in London in a +hired carriage, for I would not take one of Mr Arnold's. I found my +mother at the house in St James's-street, where I now am: she got here +late last night, and my letter had thrown her into agonies, from which +she had not yet recovered. What have you wrote to me, said she, as she +held me in her arms? your dreadful letter has almost killed me--Sure, +sure, my dear child, it cannot be true that you have left your husband! +What is the cause? What have _you_ done? or, What has _he_ done? I +begged my mother to compose herself a little, and then related to her +every circumstance, in the same manner you have had them as they +occurred. Her lamentations pierced my heart; she wrung her hands in +bitterness of anguish; Why did not the grave hide me, said she, before I +saw shame and sorrow heaped upon my child. I came to die in peace with +you--You might have lengthened my days for a while--But you cut them +off--My eyes will close in affliction--A wounded spirit who can bear! +Had you died in your cradle, we had both been happy. My child would now +have been a cherub, an angel you would have been in my eyes, and I am +punished for it; but that was _my_ crime, not your's. But you are a +martyr to the crimes of others. + +My mother wept not all this time; I wished she had; her passionate looks +and tones affected me more than tears could. My eyes began to run over, +her's soon accompanied me, and it a little relieved the vehemence of her +grief. + +She then began to reproach herself for having listened to lady +Grimston's suggestions in favour of Mr Arnold, and for her own +solliciting this fatal marriage. But I stopped her, on a subject which I +knew would so much torment her thoughts. I conjured her not to reflect +on it in that manner; I told her I knew she had acted for the best, and +that nothing but an extraordinary fatality, which could neither be +foreseen nor avoided, had made me unhappy. I said I was sure Mr Arnold +had been seduced by the wiles of a wicked woman, for that he was by +nature a good man, and that he had more of my pity than of my +resentment. + +I found it necessary to reconcile my mother to herself on this head; she +seemed willing to lay hold on the hint, and turned all her indignation +against Mrs Gerrarde. A _practised_ sinner, she called her, for whom +nothing could be said in extenuation of her crime. + +We now turned our thoughts towards fixing on some other abode. You may +be sure Mr Arnold's house is no place for us; and my mother declared she +would not stay another night in it: accordingly we have dispatched her +maid to take us lodgings immediately. + + + _September 21_ + +We have quickly shifted the scene, my dear Cecilia, and are settled, at +least for the present, in very handsome lodgings in St Alban's-street. +We came to them last night, and my mother seems a little less disturbed +than she was. I pray God spare her life, but I fear I shall not long +enjoy that blessing. She is sadly altered since I last saw her; a +dropsical complaint is stealing on her fast, her legs are swelled, and +she has intirely lost her appetite; yet if her mind were a little more +at ease, I should hope, that by the assistance she can have here, she +might be enabled to hold out against this disorder for a good while. I +endeavour to suppress my own grief, that I may not increase her's. + + + + + VOLUME II + + + _September 21_ + +I was surprized to-day by a visitor to my mother. Miss Burchell came to +pay her respects to her: I have told you they corresponded. My mother, +it seems, had given her notice of the time she intended being in town: +the young lady had been to wait on her in St James's Street, and was +from thence directed by the servant, who kept the house, to our new +lodgings. + +She is really a very lovely young woman; and there is something so +insinuating in her manner, that there is no seeing her without being +prejudiced in her favour. She changed colour when my mother presented me +to her by my name; but, at the same time, surveyed me with a scrutinous +eye. My mother asked her, had she seen Mr Faulkland since his return to +England. She answered, No, with a sigh; but that she believed he had +been to Putney. To see his son, said my mother? without reflecting, that +Miss Burchell had avoided mentioning that circumstance, and stopped upon +naming the place where the child was at nurse. Yes, she replied, in a +timorous accent, and stealing a look at me. The woman told me, that a +young gentleman had been there about six weeks ago, who said he came +from the child's father abroad, and made her a handsome present. As I +did not then know Mr Faulkland was returned to England, I should not +have suspected it was he himself who had called, if his housekeeper +(that gentlewoman in whose care he left me) had not come to me from him. +She is settled now in a lodging-house; and Mr Faulkland, on his coming +to London, went to her, to enquire where the child was. She told me he +inquired civilly after me, and gave her a letter for me, which the +good-natured woman joyfully brought me; but it contained nothing but a +bill of a hundred pounds, with two or three lines, polite indeed, but +not kind, to inform me it was for the child's use; and I have heard +nothing of him since. + +My mother told her, that as Mr Faulkland was returned again, probably to +continue in England, she did not despair of his being brought to do her +justice; especially as she must suppose the sight of the child had made +an impression on him. She then, without ceremony, entered into a detail +of my unhappy story: she was full of it; and being, as you know, of a +very communicative temper, made no scruple to inform Miss Burchell of +every particular. She seemed very much affected with the story, and grew +red and pale by turns; especially at finding her aunt so deeply +concerned in it. She exclaimed against her barbarity, reproached Mr +Arnold for his injurious suspicions, and condoled obligingly with me on +the wrongs I had received; and yet, my Cecilia, would you believe it, I +thought I could discover, through all this, that Miss Burchell was not +entirely free from doubt in regard to my innocence. This observation I +gathered only from certain looks that she cast at me, as my mother +related the passages. There are little minute touches on the countenance +sometimes, which are so transient they can hardly be overtaken by the +eye, and which, from the passions being strongly guarded that give rise +to these emotions, are so slight, that a common observer cannot discover +them at all. I am sure my mother did not; but my sensibility was +particularly rouzed at her relating a story that I did not then wish to +have divulged; and I was too much interested in the narrative, not to +attend precisely to its effects on the hearer. I am neither angry with, +nor surprized at, Miss Burchell, for her scepticism on this occasion. +She loves Mr Faulkland, and had not herself the power to resist him: she +knows he once loved me, and may fancy he does so still; nay, thinks +perhaps I am not indifferent towards him: she is a stranger to _my_ +heart; but is convinced, that her aunt is base enough, first to ensnare +to vice, and then to betray. Upon the whole, there is nothing unnatural +in her suspicions; but I think they could not proceed from a virtuous +mind. + +Upon Miss Burchell's taking leave, my mother gave her a general +invitation to come to her as often as she had leisure; telling her, she +must not take it amiss if she did not return her visits, as her health +would not permit her to go much abroad. + +Miss Burchell, it seems, has a house (not lodgings) in a retired street +in Westminster, where she has been ever since she quitted her aunt, to +whom she never discovered where she lived. Her fortune enables her to +appear very genteelly in the private manner she chuses to live. She goes +but seldom into publick, and has but a narrow circle of acquaintance. +Those are all of her own sex, and of the best character; and she has had +the good fortune to preserve her reputation unsuspected; so that, I +hope, she may yet retrieve her error by an advantageous match, should Mr +Faulkland still continue averse to her. + + + _September 28_ + +I have had a letter from Patty: she tells me, her master is returned +home; and adds, 'To be sure, that vile wicked wretch let him know you +were gone.' She says, he called for the two dear babes, and kissed them +both. Patty carried the youngest to him in her arms, the other in her +hand, and she says, he looked troubled. How came you not to follow your +lady, Mrs Martha, said he? She replied, My Lady was willing, Sir, that I +should stay to look after the children--And to be a spy upon my actions, +I suppose: Is that not to be part of your employment too? Ah! Patty, +Patty; Mrs Arnold had better have looked to her own conduct. Patty made +no answer, but retired in tears. Every one in the house, she writes, is +broken-hearted; but that Mr Arnold is never at home, spending his whole +time with Mrs Gerrarde, whom the girl, in the overflowings of her zeal +for me, heartily execrates. She informed him, that I was gone to London, +and purposed living with my mother, who was now there. + + + _October 7_ + +I have just received a letter from Lady V----. She tells me she sent +twice to Mr Arnold to dine with them, in order, if possible, to lead him +into a conversation, by which they hoped, in some measure, to have +cleared my innocence, as my lord could take upon him to justify Mr +Faulkland; but he declined coming, not knowing, perhaps, that Mr +Faulkland was absent from V---- hall. She said, her lord had gone to +South-Park; but either Mr Arnold was not at home, or denied himself. My +Lady adds, 'It is a delicate affair to interpose in; yet would I have +ventured to have wrote to your husband, if I had been sure that you had +no objection to my telling him, that you had made me privy to the cause +of your parting: 'tis plain, by his avoiding us, it is a subject he does +not care to come to an explanation upon. Let me have your sentiments, +and I will act accordingly.' + +I shall answer Lady V----'s letter directly, and beg of her to leave +the matter as it is. Mrs Gerrarde's testimony will have more weight than +all my good lord or lady could urge in my favour: besides, they are not +furnished with sufficient weapons to combat against such an enemy: they +know nothing of Miss Burchell's story; my regard to _her_ character +prevented me from giving my lady this specimen of her aunt's baseness. I +suppose the same reason may have closed Mr Faulkland's lips on that +subject: so that they have nothing to allege against Mrs Gerrarde, which +would help to invalidate her testimony with regard to Mr Faulkland and +me. Mr Arnold, indeed, knows that she has forfeited her pretensions to +modesty; but the delusion of self-love blinds a man in those cases; and +he can believe, that _truth_, _sincerity_, and _justice_, inhabit the +bosom of her, whose passion for _him_ alone has caused a deviation from +chastity. + +I cannot think of exposing the poor Miss Burchell by giving up her +secret. Though it might contribute to clear me, by turning Mr Arnold's +suspicions on Mrs Gerrarde, yet would she have great reason to resent +it; more especially as she is now, by a blameless life, endeavouring to +blot out the memory of her fault. Though my Lady V---- is very prudent, +her zeal for me, and my lord's good-natured earnestness in my cause, +might render them unguarded on the occasion; and should they attempt to +make use of this secret, in order to eliminate Mrs Gerrarde, it might, +at the same time, bring malicious censures both on Miss Burchell and Mr +Faulkland. + +I think, upon the whole, my mother is the properest person to mediate on +this occasion. When Mr Arnold comes to town, she can, with due +tenderness to the young lady, disclose the whole affair to him. The +knowlege of this black part of Mrs Gerrarde's character, joined to her +arguments, may perhaps have some weight; though, to tell you the secret +bodings of my heart, I expect not much from this. I have lost my +husband's love; Mrs Gerrarde possesses it all; and who knows whether he +even wishes to lose his pretence for abandoning an unhappy wife. I wish, +however, Mr Faulkland were returned to V---- hall: should Mr Arnold know +of his absence at this juncture, he might imagine possibly he was gone +in quest of me. + + + _October 12_ + +How the scene is changed, my sister! What a melancholy reverse is here, +to my late prospect of domestic happiness! I pass my nights in tears, +and bitter reflections on my dismal situation. My days are spent in a +painful constraint, to conceal the anguish of my own heart, that I may +not aggravate that of my poor mother. My endeavours to be chearful, I +perceive, have a good effect on her; she is much more composed, and +seems resigned to our fate, patiently waiting for a change. I think too +she is rather better in her health; she has had the advice of a +physician of eminent skill; the medicines prescribed, he gives us hopes, +will keep her disorder at least from gaining ground; and that she may +hold out for some years. + +I have prevailed on her not to give Sir George an account of my unhappy +story, till I hear that Mr Faulkland has left him; because I know my +brother would conceal nothing from him; and, if possible, I would have +Mr Arnold's suspicions of _Him_ concealed. I have many reasons for this; +my own delicacy would receive a wound by it; for who knows what judgment +Mr Faulkland might form on this knowlege? But my most material objection +is, should he attempt to vindicate his own honour, what might be the +consequence! I shudder to think of it. I know Mr Faulkland is rash, when +provoked. Rather let my sufferings and my disgrace lie wrapped in +oblivion, than bring any disaster on the father of my children. + + + _October 16_ + +Another letter from Lady V----. She tells me, that Mr Faulkland is +returned from his visit to my brother. He was soon informed of my +parting with Mr Arnold; 'tis the talk of the neighbourhood; every body +lays it on Mrs Gerrarde. Mr Faulkland was very inquisitive to learn +particulars from my lady, which, he said, he was sure I had told her; +but she took care not to give him the least hint which could lead him to +suppose that _He_ had any share in my fate. She says, he raves like a +madman; and that she finds it absolutely necessary to keep him in +ignorance of the truth. She was obliged to tell him, that my having +discovered Mr Arnold's amour with Mrs Gerrarde, she believed, was the +sole cause of our separation. He asked her, Was she _sure_ there was no +other? adding, That he thought my temper had been too gentle, to fly, on +a sudden, to such extremes. My lady took occasion to ask him, Whether he +did not visit Mrs Gerrarde? He replied, He did sometimes, having +formerly known her at Bath. She concludes with telling me, That Mr +Arnold is become quite invisible to every friend he has, Mrs Gerrarde +engrossing him wholly. + +I hope Mr Faulkland may not suspect how much _He_ is concerned in my +misfortune: my absenting myself, for some time before I left home, from +V---- hall, and my departure from my husband, immediately after my +interview with Mr Faulkland at Mrs Gerrarde's, may raise some distrust +in his mind; but, while it continues merely surmise, he can have no +pretence for requiring an explanation from Mr Arnold; so that, if my +husband keeps his own council, which he seems inclined to do, and my +lord and lady V---- preserve the secret, I shall rest satisfied. + + + _October 20_ + +My mother has written to Sir George, and given him a full account of my +situation, with a request, which I prevailed on her to make, that he +would not take any notice of the affair till he saw us. My brother, +perhaps, may think of a way, with tenderness and safety, to remove Mr +Arnold's doubts, without farther exposing my reputation, or laying my +husband open to mischief. A prudent, cool, and at the same time zealous +friend, might devise some means to effect this; but I fear my brother's +disregard to Mr Arnold, his diminished love for me, and his resentment +to my mother, will prevent him from engaging with that alacrity or +precaution that the nicety of circumstances may require. I will, +therefore, wait with patience, till God, in his own time, shall raise me +from the state of humiliation into which I am fallen. + + + _October 22_ + +With what a tortoise pace does time advance to the wretched! how dismal +are those hours which are spent in reflecting on lost happiness. O +Faulkland! how light was thy transgression, if we consider the +consequences, compared to that which has driven me from my home, and +from my children! steeled my husband's heart against me, heaped infamy +on _my_ head, and loaded my mother's age with sorrow and remorse! All +this is the fatal consequence of Mr Arnold's breach of his marriage-vow: +all this, and much more, I fear, that is to come. + +We keep ourselves entirely concealed from the knowlege of all our +acquaintance: not a mortal visits us, but, now and then, Miss Burchell; +and I have never stirred out of doors but to church. + + + _October 28_ + +Sir George has answered my mother's letter, just as I feared he would: +he speaks of Mr Arnold with more contempt and aversion, than he does of +me with pity or brotherly kindness. He says, 'It is well for him, that +Mr Faulkland knows not of his injurious suspicions of him, or he would +vindicate himself in a manner he little thinks of.' He tells us, He does +not know (at this distance) how to advise; but that, as I am of so +_patient_ and _forbearing_ a spirit, he thinks my wrongs may sleep till +he comes to town, which cannot yet be these three or four weeks, having +leases to renew with his tenants, and abundance of other business to do +in the country.--So much for George's tenderness. + + + _October 29_ + +My comforts are circumscribed within a very narrow compass; for I cannot +reckon one, but what I receive from poor Patty's letters, who never +fails to send me weekly an account of my dear little children. They are +well, thank God, and not yet abandoned by their father; but even the +knowlege of this is imbittered by repeated hints of Mr Arnold's lost +condition. Lost, I may call it; for his whole soul is absorbed in the +mad pursuit of his own ruin. The poor girl, in the bitterness of her +indignation, tells me, he has made Mrs Gerrarde a present of a favourite +little pad of mine: she says, she had a mind to tear her off, when she +saw her mounted upon it. + +I wish not to be told of any of Mr Arnold's motions, and should forbid +Patty to write to me any thing upon the subject, but that I fear my +letter might fall into Mr Arnold's hands: his curiosity might lead him +to open it (for the conscious mind will descend to meannesses); and, if +he should see my prohibition, he would be satisfied that his servant was +too free in her censures. I am sure he is quite unconcerned at _my_ +knowing his conduct; but I would not, nevertheless, for my children's +sake, bring this tender, faithful, poor creature into disgrace with him, +by convincing him of the liberty she takes, though he may very naturally +suspect it. + + + _October 30_ + +A lady of our acquaintance, who happened to see me at church, came to +pay me a visit to-day. It seems, she is intimate with the widow Arnold, +who told her, very lately, that she was impatient for the commencement +of term, as she then expected the cause depending between her and us +would be brought to a final issue, and determined intirely in her +child's favour. This account alarmed my poor mother so much, that she +could not be easy till she sent for our lawyer, who was so obliging as +to come upon the first summons. She acquainted him with the cause of +her apprehensions; and asked him, whether there was any likelihood of +the widow's succeeding. He laughed at my mother's fears, and at our +antagonist's flourishes, as he called them; and said, he would not give +a bent six-pence to ensure Mr Arnold's estate to him, which the ensuing +term, he says, will put out of the reach of doubt. This assurance has +quieted our anxiety on that head. The loss of our suit would indeed be a +dreadful blow, as we should have nothing then remaining but my small +jointure, for the support of Mr Arnold, myself, and our two children; +not to mention Mrs Gerrarde, who, I have reason to believe, has been no +inconsiderable sharer in Mr Arnold's fortune. + + + _November 4_ + +Six melancholy weeks are gone since I have been here, I may say, both a +prisoner, and a fugitive. I count the days as they pass, as if I +expected some revolution in my fate; yet, whence is it to come? No +prospect as yet opens to me. Mr Arnold's law-affairs will soon call him +to town: something may then happen--But does not Mrs Gerrarde come too? +He cannot live without her; and I shall reap no benefit from this, but +the chance of seeing my children sometimes perhaps; though he may not +bring them with him, or, if he does, he may be cruel enough to refuse me +the sight of them. Sir George is cold and dilatory: were he on the spot, +something might be done; he might expostulate: my mother too could join +arguments to intreaties: Mr Arnold perhaps might be recovered from his +delusion; it is but a perhaps. + + + _November 15_ + +My brother is arrived in town sooner than we expected, and came this +evening to pay us a visit. My altered and dejected looks, I believe, +shocked him; but George wants tenderness, or at least a capacity of +shewing it. After a recapitulation of my story, he asked me, 'Could I be +so mean-spirited a creature as ever to think of living with Arnold +again, even though he should be inclined to desire it?' I told him, he +considered the matter in a wrong light; and that he ought to reflect on +my reputation, and the future welfare of my two poor little girls, who +would be material sufferers, from the want of my care and attention, as +they grew up; not to mention the disadvantages they would enter life +with, by my continuing under an aspersion which might in time become +very public, as I made no doubt but that Mrs Gerrarde would take pains +to propagate it wherever she went. My mother added, Mr Arnold too might +be saved from perdition, if he could be so far convinced of his wife's +innocence, as to be reconciled to her, and live with her again. And +pray, said Sir George, how is this to be done, if that damned woman has +put it into his head, that Faulkland and you are fond of one another? Do +you imagine that he will believe what _you_ say? what your brother, or +your mother, or even Faulkland himself, could say to the contrary? I own +to you very fairly, that I so much despise the man, that, unless you +will give me leave to talk to him my own way, I will have nothing to say +to him at all. Would you have me _sue_ to him for a reconciliation, and +try to persuade him out of the belief of an imaginary injury, which +probably he was glad to make a handle of to get rid of you? No, Sidney; +you may be as tame as you please yourself, but it does not become your +brother to be so. When I go to him, I must insist upon not having rules +prescribed to me: your delicacy, in regard to Faulkland's asserting your +innocence, I have nothing to say against; but there can be no objection +to your brother's vindicating the honour of his family. I saw Sir +George's resentment was rouzed to the highest pitch; his eyes sparkled +with indignation, and his whole frame seemed agitated. + +Dear brother, said I, I conjure you, (and I fell upon my knees and +clasped both my arms around his) do not add to my affliction, by +involving yourself and my husband in a fatal quarrel. What difference +would it make to me, if Mr Arnold should fall, whether it is by your +hand or Mr Faulkland's? The loss would be the same; the misfortune, the +publication of my disgrace, the same. Your husband, said he, breaking +from me, though a little softened, would have as good a chance as I, if +it came to the hazard; or perhaps he might condescend to take you again +(if you will have it so), without coming to these extremities, if I am +suffered to argue properly with him.--I will not consent to your seeing +him at all, said I, eagerly. The cause is now my own, he answered, +coolly; but I will do nothing to aggravate your distress. I did not like +the manner in which he spoke. My mother, who till now had been silent, +caught the alarm. Let me intreat you, son, said she, to drop the +thoughts of any violent methods with Mr Arnold. If you value your +sister's peace, or have any regard to the obedience you owe me, I insist +on it, that you neither see him nor write to him, without our knowlege +and consent; and if you do not promise me this, I renounce all ties of +kindred or affection to you: your mother has as just a sense of the +honour of her family as you can have; but it is not on so hot a head, +and so weak an arm, that she depends to see it justified to the world. +Sir George, who was nettled at my mother's spirited rebuke, made her a +low bow. No doubt of it, madam, said he, there will be a miracle wrought +in my sister's favour. I would have you let her try the experiment of +the ordeal: I dare say she would come off victorious, and then Mr Arnold +would do you the favour to take her home again. I wish, said my mother, +gravely, that there was a possibility of bringing my dear child's +innocence to such a proof; I would not hesitate a minute to put it to +the trial: but since there is no such a thing _now-a-days_, I will wait +till God, in his own righteousness, shall judge her cause, and clear her +to the world. Therefore, son, I insist upon your promise before you +leave me. + +I give you my word, madam, answered Sir George, I will not attempt to +hold any conference with Mr Arnold without your knowlege. Will that +satisfy you? It does, answered my mother; for I think I can rely upon +your word. Sir George left us not very well satisfied with each other; +his pride and resentment piqued to the highest. I cannot censure him for +it here: he has cause; but the case is a nice and difficult one. The +gratification of a private spleen ought not to enter into the measures +he should pursue. Glad I am that my mother's properly-exerted resolution +has tamed him a little. Though George sometimes fails in the respect +which he owes her, yet I never knew him wilfully to disobey her +commands, or oppose her inclinations. 'Tis well there is any hold on a +disposition so ungentle and self-willed as his. + + + _November 18_ + +My brother has taken a very handsome house in Pall-mall, and told my +mother, between jest and earnest, he is going to give her a +daughter-in-law, to make up for the loss of her son-in-law. He is, in +reality, making his addresses to Lady Sarah P the daughter of a +new-created peer. She has a great fortune, he tells me; but I know +nothing more of her. I wish him better success in his nuptials (if they +take place) than I have had. + + + _November 20_ + +Mr Arnold is arrived in town: he came late last night, and his man +called this morning to enquire how I did. The poor fellow stole out +before his master was up; and was afraid of staying a minute, lest he +should be wanted at home. I called him up to the dining-room: I saw an +honest shame and sorrow in his countenance. How does your master do, +Frank, said I? Has he brought the children to town? No, madam, said he; +but they are pure and hearty. I believe my master thought it a pity to +bring them out of the fresh air, as long as Mrs Patty is there to look +after them. They are better where they are. I asked him, was Mr Arnold +come to town to make any stay? I believe for good and all, said he. This +ugly law-suit, to be sure, will detain him; but he is come _alone_, said +he, with an intelligent nod: I don't suppose though he will continue +long so. Well, Frank, said I, I am glad to hear your master and the +children are well. Ah, madam! shaking his head as he opened the door to +go out, it was a woeful day for us when you left South Park. God give +every one their reward! + + + _November 22_ + +I have not seen my brother these two days: he does not know, I believe, +that Mr Arnold is come to town; though, if he did, I am sure he will not +break his word; so that I am easy on that particular. My mother says she +will go to Mr Arnold herself, to _reason_ with him a little. I shall not +oppose it, though I have no hopes of her being able to effect any thing +in my favour: she is now laid up with a cold, and is not able to come +out of her room; but she pleases herself with the thought of this visit, +as soon as she is able to make it. She has planned what she intends to +say to him; and is resolved to let him into the whole history of Miss +Burchell, that he may know, she says, the full extent of Mrs Gerrarde's +wickedness; as what is there of which that woman is not capable, who +could set to sale the honour of an innocent, unsuspecting creature, left +to her guardianship? + + + _November 23_ + +Amazing, my dear Cecilia! I thought I should wonder no more at any +thing, yet is my wonder now raised to astonishment--I have just received +a letter from Lady V----. I have read it over and over again, and can +yet scarce believe my senses. Here it is in her own words. + + 'I suppose you know, my dear Mrs Arnold, that your husband is in + town; and that he left Mrs Gerrarde behind him for no other + reason, I imagine, but that he did not chuse to be quite so + scandalous as to let her travel with him; for we heard that she + purposed following him in a few days. Patty, I conclude, may have + informed you of thus much; but the extraordinary part of the + intelligence, I believe, is reserved for me to acquaint you with. + Know then that Mrs Gerrarde is eloped, no-body knows whither. + _Good_, you say; good, should _I_ say too; but for the conclusion + of my story. It is with Mr _Faulkland_ she is eloped: 'tis + positively true; she went off with him in triumph last night in + her own chariot, and neither of them have been heard of since. I + own I am so much confounded at this, I scarce know what I write. + + 'I am very glad, for your sake, that bad creature has quitted your + husband; but that she should have drawn my cousin Faulkland in, is + a matter of serious concern to me. It is evident the plan was + previously concerted between them; for I am informed to-day, that + Mrs Gerrarde's maid decamped at the same time, and took with her + every thing valuable belonging to her mistress, several of her + drawers being found open and empty. Mr Faulkland's servants have + also disappeared; so that we cannot conjecture which way they are + gone. + + 'Mr Faulkland, who was about leaving us, asked my permission to + give a ball to the neighbouring ladies in our new room, which is + just finished. As I concluded he would ask nobody but our own + acquaintances, I readily consented; and my lord, you know, is fond + of those frolics. I own I was surprized to see Mrs Gerrarde + amongst the company, as undaunted as the _modestest_ face there. I + would not however confront Mr Faulkland so much, as to shew any + disrespect to one, who was, at that time, _his_ guest; but I was + out of all patience to find that _she_, along with several others, + was asked to supper; my too-good-natured lord joining in the + invitation. Mr Faulkland made a pretence to wait on her home, and + the audacious creature took that opportunity to march off with + him. + + 'Now, as Faulkland really purposed leaving V---- hall the next day, + I think it would have been but decent in him to have forbore this + piece of barefaced libertinism, till he was fairly from under + _our_ roof. He might have made his assignation in any other place; + but, I suppose, the lady had a mind to shew the world she is above + restraint, and chose to make her infamy a sort of triumph. + + 'I am quite angry with my lord, for only laughing at this, and + calling it a piece of spirited gallantry in them both. He says, he + is delighted to think how your good man will shake his ears, when + he hears his mistress has left him in the lurch, and gone off with + another lover. I should smile too; but that it makes me sad to + think, that Mr Faulkland, of whom I had so good an opinion, should + so impose upon my judgment, and forfeit his own character, for so + vile a creature. + + 'Pardon me, my dear madam; I am so full of my own reflections, on + the interest _I_ take in this affair, that I have been forgetful + of how much more moment it may be to _you_. Heaven grant that your + husband may think of making himself amends, in returning to a + faithful and amiable wife, for the loss of a deceitful, jilting + mistress. Surely this event must open his eyes, or he deserves to + lose them. I hope to embrace you in London in a very little time; + till then, believe me, + + 'My dear Mrs Arnold, + 'Your most assured friend and servant, + _V---- hall, Nov. 12_ 'A.V.' + +Well, my Cecilia, what say you to this? Are you not as much surprized as +I am? Mr Faulkland to emerge at last the favoured gallant of Mrs +Gerrarde! Prodigious! I confess, my dear, I am so selfish as not to +participate with Lady V---- in her uneasiness on this occasion. That Mrs +Gerrarde flies from my husband, I am glad; and that Mr _Faulkland_ is +the very man she chose to fly with, I am still gladder: he, of all men +living, I would have wished (though least expected) to be the person. +This explains every thing that is passed. Surely, as Lady V---- says, +this _must_ open Mr Arnold's eyes. I can now discover a double reason +for my poor deluded man's having his imagination poisoned with jealousy. +Mrs Gerrarde did not aim singly at separating my husband and me: this, +perhaps, was but a secondary consideration; or who knows whether it was +at all intended? But she most certainly designed to secure herself +against all suspicions, by making me the object of them; and effectually +to blind Mr Arnold, persuaded him, that Mr Faulkland's visits, made to +her, were only in the hope of seeing me. + +Let her views have been what they would, this event was beyond my hopes. +Some glimmerings of comfort begin to break in upon me. Methinks my heart +feels much lighter than it did. How Sir George will stare at this +account! My mother will lift up her eyes; but she has no opinion of Mr +Faulkland's morals, and therefore will be the less surprized. I pity +Miss Burchell; this is an irremediable bar to her hopes; faint and +unsupported as they were before, they must now entirely vanish. + + + _November 24_ + +I gave you a copy of Lady V----'s letter, while the subject was warm at +my heart, and before I shewed it to any one; but my mother and my +brother have now both seen it. My mother (just as I expected), without +any great emotions of surprize, only exclaimed against their wickedness; +but said, she could not help rejoicing in it, as _I_, she hoped, would +derive happiness from their accumulated crimes. Sir George read the +letter twice over before he uttered a word; and then said, It was +_strange_; upon his soul, most unaccountable; and that either Faulkland +was run mad, or that woman had bewitched him. When he was with me, said +he, at Sidney Castle, he did not so much as mention her. I asked him, +whether he was acquainted with Mr Arnold (for I had written him word of +your marriage, when he was abroad)? He told me, he had seen both you and +him, two or three times, at Lord V----'s; but that as he did not wish to +renew his acquaintance with you, he had never visited your husband. I +presume he was not then a stranger to his connection with Mrs Gerrarde; +at least to the conjectures of the neighbourhood upon it: but as it was +then but a matter of opinion, and he knew not of the difference between +you and your husband, 'tis probable he did not chuse to disgust me more +against my brother-in-law, by hinting at this circumstance. He expressed +great acknowlegements to my mother, when I told him of the notice she +had taken of Miss Burchell; though, he said, he found (from my account +of your marriage) that she had deferred her conference with that young +lady, till it was too late for her testimony to be of any service to +him. As I knew nothing of what had passed between my mother and Miss +Burchell, I could give him no satisfaction on that subject; and the +recollection of past transactions being equally disagreeable to us both, +I avoided ever mentioning them after our first conversation; nor do I +remember that Mrs Gerrarde's name occurred once. + +My mother now began to exult over Sir George, and took advantage of the +surprize and consternation that Lady V----'s letter had thrown him into. +This is your boasted friend, said she; the man whose _honour_ and +_generosity_ were not to be questioned, and whose _utmost_ crime was a +youthful folly that he was surprized into with a silly girl. I am +pleased, however, that _this_ has proved I was not so grossly mistaken +in believing him a loose man. Mrs Gerrarde is the fittest mate for him, +and I am glad they are gone together. + +Sir George was too much mortified at the flagrant misconduct of his +friend to attempt excusing him: he contented himself with repeating, It +was the strangest thing he ever knew in his life. + +My mother then told him Mr Arnold was come to town; and that, as things +had taken such a turn, she hoped herself to be able to bring him to the +use of his judgment; and therefore thought it would not be at all +necessary for my brother to interfere. Sir George said, With all his +heart; if her ladyship should be able to patch up a reconciliation that +would save his sister's credit, and she could be so _extremely_ pliant +as to think of living with such a husband again, he should not give +himself any farther trouble about the matter; but, in _his_ opinion, the +affair wore a much odder aspect than it did before. I find Mr +Faulkland's behaviour sticks with him, and has a little cooled his zeal +towards him. + + + _November 25_ + +I have had a letter from Patty, who confirms my Lady V----'s account of +the lovers flight; and she tells me one of Mrs Gerrarde's servants is +gone off express to town; I suppose, to bring Mr Arnold the news: for +they are all in confusion at her house, and know not what is become of +their mistress; but they are certain she is gone with Mr Faulkland. +Patty adds, The servants believe this scheme had long been concerted, Mr +Faulkland having been a private visitor to their mistress for a good +while. + +I must confess I am astonished at it: it has sunk the man extremely in +my opinion. + + + _November 26_ + +Miss Burchell has just been here. Poor creature, she is quite stunned +with the news: she could scarce believe it at first, till my mother +desired I would shew her Lady V----'s letter, and Patty's, which +corroborated all she said. She then gave way to tears and lamentations; +saying, That cruel woman was born to be the destruction of every-body +she had any connection with. _I_ have found it so; _you_, madam (to me), +have done so too; Mr Arnold, I believe, has been a great sufferer; Mr +Faulkland is _now_ her victim. Inconsiderate and barbarous as he is, I +grieve for him. + + + _November 30_ + +I have heard nothing of Mr Arnold. Indeed it is hardly possible that I +should: we are shut up here from all commerce with the world. My +mother's illness has confined her to her bed-chamber; we admit no +visitors, and I never leave her. I long to know how he takes the +ingratitude of his mistress; but I see nobody who converses with him. My +brother and Miss Burchell are the only people we see. The latter is +pretty often with us; as for Sir George, he only looks in upon us now +and then, and we all seem in an aukward situation. I wish my mother were +well enough to call on Mr Arnold: I am very anxious to know what his +sentiments are; at least in regard to Mrs Gerrarde. + + + _December 6_ + +I have been almost asleep, my dear Cecilia, for this week past; but I +have been rouzed this morning in a most extraordinary manner. Sir George +called on us; he ran up stairs in a violent hurry; and had a +countenance, when he entered the room, that spoke wonders before he +opened his mouth. He hardly gave himself time to ask me how I did +(though he had not seen me for three days), before he took a bundle of +papers out of his pocket, which he gave me. 'Tis from Faulkland, said +he, and may be worth your knowlege. Upon opening the cover, I found it +contained, at least, four sheets of paper, written on every side. Bless +me, brother, said I, do you expect I should take the trouble to read all +this? He answered, You may read it at your leisure: you will find it +will pay you for the mighty trouble of a perusal. Sir George left me +presently; and having read this extraordinary letter to myself, for I +happened to be in my own room when my brother came to me, I sate me down +to give you a copy of it. My mother, who coughed almost the whole night, +is now endeavouring to get a little sleep; so that I will scribble on as +fast as I can, while I have no interruption. + + _Boulogne, Nov. 30, 1704._ + +My dear Bidulph, + +I am in haste to vindicate myself to you, but in much more haste to do +so to Mrs Arnold; who, if she bestows a thought at all on me, must, I am +sure, hold me in the utmost contempt; and great reason would she have, +if things were always as they appear. Methinks I see her beautiful scorn +at hearing I had carried off Mrs Gerrarde. What a paltry fellow _you_ +must think me too. And yet I _have_ carried her off, and she is now in +my possession, not displeased with her situation; and I might, if I +would, be as happy as Mrs Gerrarde can make me: but I assure you, Sir +George, I have no designs but what are for the good both of her soul and +body; and I have hitherto treated her like a vestal. What a paradox is +here, say you? But have patience till I tell you the story of my +knight-errantry. + +You are to know then, that as Arnold's amour with Mrs Gerrarde was no +secret at V---- hall, from the moment I heard it, I meditated a design +of breaking the detestable union; not out of regard either to him or +her, but in hopes of restoring, to the most amiable of women, a besotted +husband's heart, which nothing but downright magic, infernal witchcraft, +could have robbed her of. The woman is handsome, 'tis true; but she is a +silly toad, and as fantastic as an ape. I had formed this design, I say, +from the first notice I had of the intrigue; and, in consequence of +this, resolved to renew my acquaintance with Mrs Gerrarde: for I had +_known_ her before; known her to my cost. She it was, this identical +devil, whom I have now in my power, that was the cause of Miss +Burchell's misfortune; and therefore the remote cause of my losing Miss +Bidulph. Had it not been for her, I should never have had the fall of +that unhappy girl to answer for. _I_ should not, I say (mark that); for +the mercenary witch was determined to sell her to somebody, when my ill +stars threw me in her way. I do not rank this affair in the number of +capital crimes; and yet I never think of it without a pang. If half of +my fortune would retrieve the girl's peace of mind, I would give it +freely: but it is past now, and cannot be helped. She had the good +fortune never to be suspected; and, if she keeps her own council, +probably never will. If I die a bachelor (as I believe I shall), I will +leave her my whole fortune. What can a man do more? + +How I ramble from my subject! I meant only to tell you what my design +was in carrying off Mrs Gerrarde. In order to effect it, as I said +before, it was necessary for me to renew my acquaintance with her; and +accordingly I put on a bold face, and made her a visit. She was not +surprized at this, our former intimacy giving me a sufficient pretence +for it. She received me with a pleased familiarity, which convinced me +my company was far from being disagreeable to her; and I am sure, had my +views been other than they were, I should have met with as kind a +reception as my heart could have wished; for she certainly thought of +retaining me in her service unknown to Arnold. I was soon aware of this; +for, though she often desired to see me, she always contrived it at +such times, as she was sure of not being surprized by him. This was, in +some measure, meeting my purpose halfway; but though I wanted to +disengage her from Arnold, I did not mean to sacrifice myself to her; +and our views, in the material point, were very different: mine were +only to part her from her gallant; her's were to share her favours +between us: for she did not intend to let go her hold on him; and I +believe my backwardness, in pushing my good fortune, began to disgust +her; but the time for carrying my plan into execution was not yet +arrived; it could not be till Arnold's departure from South-Park. I +meant to carry Mrs Gerrarde away with the appearance of her own consent; +and I knew this was impossible, whilst her lover remained so near her. I +had formed but a rough sketch of my plan when I received your letter, +which summoned me to Sidney-Castle; and I resolved not to apprize you of +it, till my enterprize was crowned with success; more especially as you +were then quite ignorant of your sister's wrongs. + +On my return from visiting you, the first news I heard at V---- hall +was, that Mr Arnold and his lady were parted. I curst my own +dilatoriness, that I had not executed my plan before things were brought +to such extremities; for I well knew it was that artful fiend who had +occasioned it, though I then little thought how fatally _I_ had +contributed towards the misfortune of the ever-amiable and +most-respectable of women. + +Lady V---- told me, that your sister, having discovered her husband's +infidelity, had left him on that account; but my lord soon let me into +the whole secret. Oh! Sir George, that angel, who deserved the first +monarch in the universe, to be cast off by an undiscerning dolt! and +_I_, though innocently, the accursed cause. I cannot think with patience +of what the divine creature has suffered on my account; but was it not +all, from the beginning, owing to Mrs Gerrarde, that avenging fury, sent +on earth as a scourge for the sins of me and of my ancestors?--I +rave--but no wonder--I am mad upon this subject.--But to return: I then +recollected, that the day before I set out for Sidney Castle, I received +a message from Mrs Gerrarde in the morning, desiring my company to drink +coffee with her that evening. I obeyed the summons, little expecting to +meet Mrs Arnold at her house, whom I had never seen there before. The +effect my presence had on her extremely surprized me: she presently +quitted the room. Mrs Gerrarde took that opportunity of telling me, that +she had dropped in on her very unexpectedly; but, as she supposed she +would go directly away, we should have an hour to chat by ourselves. She +then followed your sister out, and I remained alone in the parlour. +Whilst I was reflecting on this odd encounter, which I did not then +imagine had been brought about by design, Mrs Gerrarde came in to me, +saying, your sister was so ill she was under a necessity of accompanying +her home, and had ordered her chariot for that purpose: she made an +apology for being obliged to leave me, and said she should be glad to +see me the next day. I took my leave, and in going out saw Mr Arnold at +the door, which I judged was the true reason of Mrs Gerrarde's +dismissing me. + +I set out for Wiltshire the next morning; and though there was something +odd in the whole of this incident, I believed it was owing to chance +alone, and thought no more of it; till, upon my Lord V----'s telling me +the true cause of your sister's disgrace, I found that this serpent had +laid the whole plan on purpose to destroy her. You see (for to be sure +you know all the particulars) how she seduced the innocent Mrs Arnold +into this fatal visit, having first engaged me to come at the very point +of time when she knew the husband would surprize us; for _his_ coming, +you may be satisfied, was not unexpected. + +I own to you, Sir George, in the first motions of my rage, I could have +stabbed Arnold, Mrs Gerrarde, and myself; but my Lord V---- calmed my +transports, by telling me, that it was your sister's earnest request +that this detestable secret should be kept from my knowlege; and that +Lady V----, who had intrusted him with it, would never forgive him, if +she knew he had divulged it. This reflection brought me back to my +senses, and I burned with impatience to execute my first plan, which Mrs +Gerrarde's repeated crimes now called upon me to accelerate. I +communicated my design to Lord V----, who was delighted with it; for he +perfectly adores your sister. This, said he, though not such a vengeance +as that wicked woman deserves, must in the end be productive of what you +wish, and Mrs Arnold may be restored to her peace, without injury to her +character, or mischief to any-body. + +Having settled my measures with Lord V----, I went to pay a visit to Mrs +Gerrarde. The cockatrice affected to speak with surprize and concern of +your sister's separation from her husband. I asked her, had she, who was +so intimate with both, heard any reason assigned for it? She shook her +head, and by a pretended sorrow in her looks, and a mysterious silence, +invited me to press for an explanation of her meaning. She told me at +length, with a seeming reluctance, that 'poor Mrs Arnold, though to be +sure she was a sensible woman, was not without the little frailties and +passions of her sex; and that, _astonishing_ and _groundless_ as her +suspicions were, she had taken it into her head to be jealous of Mr +Arnold; and with whom do you think, of all people, she suspects him?' I +cannot imagine, said I. Why truly with _me_, replied the undaunted +Jezebel, and looked as if she expected _I_ should be as much amazed as +she pretended to be. I affected to laugh at it; and changing the +discourse, put an end to my visit. + +The measures I had to observe required some management. It would not +answer the full extent of my purpose to rob Mr Arnold of his dear, if it +did not appear at the same time that she had left him with her own +consent. To bring about this, it was necessary that the flight on her +part should seem premeditated; which would not carry any face, unless +she took with her such of her moveables as were most valuable. This I +knew could not be done without the assistance of her maid, whom I +therefore not only resolved to trust, but also to make her a partner in +her mistress's elopement. + +Having settled thus much of the plan in my own mind, I began my +operations, by making the maid presents every time I visited the +mistress; and I took care to give those visits as much the air of an +amour as I possibly could. I dare swear the girl thought Mrs Gerrarde +and I were upon the best terms imaginable. I affected to come at such +hours as I was sure Mrs Gerrarde was alone; I always made my visits +short, as if through fear of being surprized with her; and went so far +as to leave my chariot (when I came in it) at a distance from the house, +and walked to it alone, with the caution of one fearful of being +observed. It was a matter of indifference to me whether Mrs Gerrarde +knew of this or not; my business was only to excite suspicions of an +intrigue amongst her servants, in order to answer a future purpose: but +if she were to know with what extreme precaution I visited her, my +prudence could not but be very agreeable to her: she had her measures to +observe as well as myself. As it was of consequence to her to conceal +our acquaintance from Arnold's knowlege, she must necessarily be pleased +at the pains I took (without her laying herself open in making the +request) to conceal it from him; and she saw I was as careful as she +could wish never to interfere with him. + +In short, we carried on a private intercourse, that, if it could not be +called gallantry, was something very like it; for I amused, +complimented, and flattered her so agreeably, that I believe she began +to think herself sure of me, and wondered I did not make a better use of +the favourable disposition she was in towards me; but I trifled with +such dexterity, that even she, with all the cunning she is mistress of, +could not possibly fathom my design. + +Having thus laid the foundation of my plot, I made no doubt of being +able to execute it, with my Lord V----'s assistance: he was in raptures +at the thought of our enterprize, and swore he would never have forgiven +me, if I had not allowed him a share in it. He said, I would give my +right-hand to make Mrs Arnold happy; adding, besides it will save her +husband from destruction; for, to my knowlege, that woman has already +almost ruined his fortune. + +I asked him, might we venture to let my lady into the secret? He said, +by no means; my lady was too squeamish to be trusted with such a notable +exploit; but, when the affair was over, he would take upon him to excuse +me to her, after he had diverted himself a little with her surprize. + +I fretted to death at Arnold's staying so long in the country, as it +delayed my enterprize. There was one circumstance indeed that a little +compensated for this vexation; and that was, that my long stay at V---- +hall, which could be no secret to him, though he dropped visiting there +on purpose to avoid me, might in some measure help to efface his +injurious suspicions with regard to his lady and me; besides, it gave +the better colour to my other designs. + +At last the long-sought-for opportunity arrived. Arnold was obliged to +go to London on his law-affairs. I took care to inform myself of the day +from Mrs Gerrarde's maid; and learnt at the same time that her mistress +purposed going to town in a week after; for she still endeavoured to +save appearances, and dared to the last to pretend to reputation. I +proposed giving a ball, to take my leave of the ladies, on the night +subsequent to the day fixed for Arnold's departure from South-Park. My +lord, almost as anxious for the event as myself, immediately dispatched +invitations all over the neighbourhood: there was not a person of any +fashion left unasked. Mr Arnold and Mrs Gerrarde, you may be sure, were +not forgot. From the former, as we expected, we received a civil +apology; from the latter, a message that she would be sure to come. + +This was at the distance of eight days from the appointed time. In the +interim, I continued to visit Mrs Gerrarde as usual, and took care to +bespeak her for a partner. Arnold went to town as opportunely as we +could wish. I called on Mrs Gerrarde the same morning; and having my +lord's permission for it, engaged her to come early enough to drink tea, +as there were a good many more ladies invited for the same purpose; and, +at going away, I dropped a few mysterious hints to her maid. + +In the evening there was a very large company met at V---- hall; and +having concerted my whole plan, when the ladies were engaged at the +tea-table, I slipped out, mounted my horse, and rode to Mrs Gerrarde's +house. I desired to see her maid; and, taking her aside, told her not to +be surprized; but that her lady was to go off with me that night: that +the thing had, for certain reasons, not been determined on till that +very evening: that I had just snatched a minute to desire her to get all +her ladies trinkets together, and whatever money and bills she might +have in her escruitore. In order to this, I gave her a parcel of small +keys, which I had carried in my pocket for the purpose; and bid her hold +herself in readiness against seven o'clock, when a person should call on +her, who would conduct her to a place where she should find her lady and +me. + +I needed no arguments to persuade the girl; the thing appeared plausible +enough: she was fully convinced of the intimacy between her mistress and +me; and knowing her too well to have a doubt of her baseness, she +concluded I acted by Mrs Gerrarde's directions, and promised punctually +to obey them. She said, she could easily carry away in the dark as many +things as she could conveniently carry; and, to avoid observation from +the rest of the servants, she would wait at a cottage hard by, which she +named to me, till her conductor arrived. + +Whether any of the keys I gave her would fit the locks or not, I was not +much concerned; if they did not, I concluded she would think her +mistress had made a mistake; and that she would force them open, rather +than fail. Having settled this material point, I got back to my Lord +V----'s, without having been missed by the company. + +Our ball was very well conducted; I danced with Mrs Gerrarde, and we +passed a very agreeable evening. We supped at twelve, and she had +ordered her chariot to come a little after that hour; but I had given my +fellows their cue. As the dancing was not renewed, the company broke up +between one and two. Mrs Gerrarde was one of the first that offered to +go; but as her servants were not to be found, she was detained till +every-body else had taken their leave. At length her coachman and +footman were found in the cellar, with one of my mean, all so drunk that +they were not able to stand. Her servants were really so, and mine +counterfeited so well, there was no discovering the cheat. In this +emergency, nothing was more natural than the offering my servants to +attend her home, and of course to wait on her myself to see her safe. +She readily accepted the first offer, but declined the other. This was +easily got over; I handed her into her chariot, and stepped in after +her. Our route was settled: we drove from my Lord V----'s door; and +turning short from the road that led to Mrs Gerrarde's house, we struck +down a lane which was to carry us by cross-roads to our first destined +stage, which was at the distance of seven miles. This was no other than +a poor gardener's house, to which place two of my emissaries had been +dispatched that day to wait our coming, with a travelling chariot, and +four stout horses. I had taken care, according to promise, to send a +trusty groom for the maid, with a boy to carry her luggage. They were +both well mounted, and had orders to carry her to an inn on the road to +Rochester, and within about a mile of the town. This inn was kept by a +fellow, who had formerly been my servant; I had placed him there, and he +was intirely at my devotion. He had already received his instructions, +and his house was to be our second stage. I concluded the maid had +arrived there long before us, having had six or seven hours the start of +us, and the place was not more than twenty miles from her own house. + +Mrs Gerrarde was not immediately aware of our going out of the road; she +was in high spirits, and I kept her in chat. As soon as she perceived +it, she cried out, with some surprize, Lord, Mr Faulkland! where is the +fellow carrying us? He has missed his way. She called to him; but the +coachman, who had orders not to stop unless I spoke to him, only drove +the faster. Pray do call to him, said she; the wretch has certainly got +drunk with the rest of the servants. I told her there was no possibility +of turning in the narrow road in which we then were: that when we got +out of it, I would speak to the coachman; and begged of her, in the mean +while, not to be frightened. The lane was a very long one, but our rapid +wheels soon carried us to the end of it, where I had appointed Pivet and +one of my footmen to meet us on horseback. I had another servant behind +the chariot, whom I purposed to send back with it in the morning. + +At the sight of two horsemen, who were apparently waiting for us, she +screamed out, Oh! the villain; he has brought us here to be robbed. She +had a good many jewels on her; and, to say the truth, had some reason +for her fears. The chariot had now got on a good open road, and the +horses rather flew than galloped. The two horsemen joined us, and kept +up with us at full speed. I saw she was heartily frightened, and thought +it time to undeceive her. I was not ill-natured enough to keep her +longer under the apprehensions of highwaymen, and thought she would be +less shocked at finding there was a design upon her person, than on her +diamond ear-rings. Now, said I, taking one of her hands with rather more +freedom than respect, since we are out of all danger of discovery, or +any possibility of pursuit, I will tell you a secret; and I spoke with +an easy assured tone. She drew her hand away. What do you mean, Sir? +Nothing, madam, but to have the pleasure of your company in a little +trip I am going to take: believe me, you are not in the least danger; +you are under my protection; those are my servants that you see riding +with us; and you may judge of the value I set upon you, by the pains I +have taken to get you into my possession. Lord, Mr Faulkland! why sure +you can't be serious! Never more so in my life, madam; I have long had a +design upon you; but your connection with Mr Arnold--_My_ connection +with Mr Arnold, Sir! interrupting me; I don't understand you!--Come, +come, Mrs Gerrarde; you and I are old acquaintance, you know; 'tis no +time for dissembling. He has been a happy man long enough: 'tis time for +a woman of your spirit to be tired of him; especially as I think I may +say, without vanity, you do not change for the worse in falling into my +hands. The lady had now recovered her courage; she was no longer in +fears of being robbed, and her spirits returned. You audacious creature! +how dare you treat me thus? Have you the assurance to insinuate that +there was any thing criminal in my attachment to Mr Arnold and his +family? My dear madam, I accuse you of no attachment to any of his +family; he himself was the only-favoured person--Sure there never was +such an impertinent wretch!--But I know the author of this scandal: it +was Mrs ---- (and she dared to prophane your sister's honoured name); +but I despise her; and Mr Arnold shall soon know how I have been +affronted; and she fell a crying.--My dear Mrs Gerrarde, I beg your +pardon; I did not mean to offend you: if Mr Arnold admired you, he did +no more than what every man does who sees you. I beseech you to compose +yourself; by all that is good, I mean you no harm: be calm, I conjure +you, and don't spoil the prettiest face in England with crying. A +daring, provoking creature, she sobbed; what could put such an attempt +as this in your head? and to what place are you carrying me? Only to +France, my dear creature? have you have been there? To France! to +France! she exclaimed; and do you dare to think you shall carry me +there? Oh! you'll like it of all things, said I, when you get +there--What do you think her reply was: Why, neither more nor less than +a good box on the ear. I catched hold of her hand, and kissed it: you +charming vixen, how I admire you for your spirit! She endeavoured to +wrest her hand from me; but I held them both fast, for fear of another +blow. Base, insolent, ravisher, villain! As she rose in her epithets, I +replied with, lovely, charming, adorable, tender, gentle creature--She +cried again; but they were spiteful tears, and did not create in me the +least touch of that pity, which, on any other occasion, they might have +moved me to. + +I was glad our altercations had a short truce, by the chariot's stopping +at the gardener's cottage, where I had ordered my equipage to wait. All +the family were in bed but the man's wife, who came curt'sying to the +door. I led, or rather lifted, Mrs Gerrarde out of the chariot; for she +would not give me her hand; and begging she would repose herself for a +few minutes, whilst I gave orders to my servants, put her into the good +woman's hands. She went sullenly in, without making me any answer: and +seeing nobody but the old woman, she was convinced that complaints, or +an attempt to escape, would be equally fruitless, and so prudently +acquiesced. I soon dispatched my orders: I made the footman, who came +behind the chariot, mount the box, and directed him to drive to an inn +in the next village to Mrs Gerrarde's house, and from thence to send it +home by some one who did not know to whom he belonged. I then ordered my +own equipage to the door; and entering the cottage, told the lady I was +ready to attend her. The old woman presently vanished; so that seeing +nobody to apply to, she suffered me very quietly to put her into my +chariot, and I placed myself by her. It was made on purpose for +travelling, and I took care to have nothing but wooden windows; to which +I had the precaution to add a couple of spring-locks, which shut on +drawing up, and were not without difficulty to be opened. One of the +windows was already up, and I flurted up the other as soon as I got into +the coach. It was a fine moon-light morning, the postilion cracked his +whip, and, though the roads were deep and dirty, the four horses darted +away like lightning. + +I believe, madam, said I, you are by this time convinced that my scheme +is too well laid to be baffled by any efforts you can make. I mean to +treat you with due respect, and beg you will use me with a little more +gentleness than you have done; that is all the favour I shall ask in +return, till you yourself are disposed to shew me more. + +You are the most amazing creature, said she, that ever breathed! What is +the meaning that, in the whole course of our acquaintance, your +behaviour never gave me room to believe that you were serious in your +designs on me, and now at once you souse upon your prey like a hawk? +I'll answer you in two words, said I. When we first met, you had a +husband; since the renewal of our acquaintance (you'll pardon me), it +was no secret that you had a favoured lover in Mr Arnold: I am not of a +temper to solicit a lady by stealth, and I would not give a pinch of +snuff for the woman who is not intirely at my disposal. Your attachments +to Arnold forbad this, and I was determined to have you all to myself. +My attachments to Mr Arnold! cried she, impudently, again. Ay, said I, +coolly, it began to be talked of so openly, that your reputation was +mangled at every tea-table in the country; and had you staid much longer +there, you would have found yourself deserted by every female of +character that knew you. Mr Arnold's parting with his wife, was by +every-body charged to your account; and as she is reckoned a very _good +sort_ of a woman (was not that a pretty phrase?), every one took her +part, and were not sparing in their invectives against you. Add to all +this, that Arnold has certainly run out his fortune, and is so involved +that it will not be possible for him long to make those returns of +generosity which your merit deserves.--You and I have been acquainted +long; I am no stranger to your circumstances; I know, at Captain +Gerrarde's death, your pension as his widow, and the very small jointure +at Ashby, was the whole of your income. Arnold's love, it is apparent, +has hitherto been bountiful; how long it could be in his power to +continue it so, may be a question worth your considering. + +I found I had mortified her pride, by mentioning the narrowness of her +circumstances, and the demolition of her character. If all you say +_were_ true, Sir, which is far from being the case (with a toss of her +head), you will find it no very easy matter to make me amends for what I +shall perhaps lose for ever by this violence of yours, notwithstanding +the _smallness_ of my income, which you seem so well informed of. I have +a considerable sum of money, and some valuable jewels, lying by me, of +which my servants may very probably rob me. I assured her, upon my +honour, I would make good to her every thing she should lose through my +means, and would take care her situation should never be upon the same +precarious footing which it had been. I did not chuse to mention the +circumstance of my having secured her maid and her money too; I reserved +that for an agreeable surprize. I had measures to observe; I did not +want to be on good terms with her too soon for obvious reasons, as +nothing was farther from my heart than a thought of gallantry. + +For this purpose, I assumed a more distant behaviour, and affected to +shew her something like respect. I did not drop the least hint of my +knowing that Mr Arnold had made his lady uneasy on my account, much less +that I suspected her for the wicked contriver of that mischief. I +deferred the discussing of this point till a more favourable opportunity +should offer, when it would be in my power to make a better use of it. + +My design was by degrees to make her satisfied enough with her +situation, not to wish to return to Arnold. When I had once brought her +to this, I judged it would not be difficult to carry her still farther, +to the point I aimed at; and that was, to write a letter to him of my +dictating. You will think this was a strange expectation, and yet it was +what I resolved to accomplish. I knew the turn of the mind I had to deal +with: bring a woman of this sort into good-humour, and it is easy to +wheedle her into compliance. She has no solid understanding; but +possesses, in the place of it, a sort of flashy wit, that imposes on +common hearers, and makes her pass for what is called clever. With a +great deal of vanity, and an affectation of tenderness, which covers the +most termagant spirit that ever animated a female breast, her ruling and +governing passion is avarice; and yet, strange to tell! generosity is of +all things what she professes to admire, and is most studious of having +thought her characteristic. Her pretensions to this virtue I have +opposed to her vice of avarice, as the terms appropriated to each seem +most contrary in their natures; yet I do not mean by generosity, that +bounteous disposition which is commonly understood by the word: no, no; +she aimed at the reputation of this virtue in our most exalted idea of +it, and would fain be thought a woman of a _great soul_. This phrase was +often in her mouth; and though her whole conduct gave the lye to her +professions, she would tell you fifty stories, without a word of truth +in any of them, to prove how nobly she had acted on such and such +occasions. On the knowlege of this part of her temper, I chiefly built +my hopes of success. + +I kept up a sort of forced conversation during the rest of our journey. +She was sullen, but not rude. As I was far from desiring to come to an +eclaircissement with her, I did not wish to have her in better temper. + +We reached the inn, which was about a mile on our side of Rochester, at +eight o'clock in the morning. This was a favourable hour, as by that +time every traveller must have left the stages they lay at. The house +stood alone, and luckily enough had no company in it. My old servant, +Lamb, had received my instructions by letter, and was prepared +accordingly for our reception. This was the place to which I had ordered +the maid to be carried; she had arrived there some time before us, and +was safely lodged. + +The chariot drove into the court-yard close to the door of the inn; the +step was let down in an instant, and Mrs Lamb appeared to receive us. We +both darted into the house. Dressed as we were for a ball, we made an +odd appearance as travellers at that hour of the morning. I believe this +consideration made Mrs Gerrarde very readily hurry upstairs with the +woman of the house. + +I enquired for Mrs Gerrarde's maid, having given orders to Lamb that she +should not been seen till I first spoke to her. I was carried into the +room where she was: she seemed very glad that we were arrived. I desired +her to lay out her lady's toilet, which I concluded she had brought with +her; for that Mrs Gerrarde would presently put herself in a proper habit +for travelling. The maid told me she had brought her mistress's +riding-dress with her, and as many other things of her wearing apparel +as she could conveniently carry. I saw a vast heap of things lying +unpacked on a bed which was in the room, and asked her how she had +managed so cleverly as to get such a number of things together without +observation. She told me she had lost no time, from the minute I left +her, till the arrival of her guide; but had employed the interval in +carrying out some of the best of her lady's cloaths piece by piece, and +conveying them to the cottage, which she could easily do without the +servants seeing her; for as it was dark, she passed in and out without +observation. Here she huddled them into a large portmanteau. After this +she went to examine her lady's escruitore; but was a long time puzzled +in endeavouring to open it, as none of the keys I had given her +answered. She endeavoured to force it open with as little noise as +possible, but in vain. She then had recourse to a second trial of the +keys, when one of them, which probably had been passed by before, +luckily opened the lock; and she secured all the money and jewels she +could find. These, said she, kept me in continual dread all the way as I +travelled; for I have eight hundred pounds in bank notes; and though my +lady has such a quantity of jewels on her, I am sure I have as many more +about me, which I have hid in different parts of my cloaths. + +I commended the girl's diligence, as indeed it deserved; and having +before ordered tea and coffee into Mrs Gerrarde's room, I now went in to +breakfast with her. I found the woman of the house still with her, at +which I was not at all uneasy; for as she had been tutored by her +husband, I knew she was not to be wrought upon, if Mrs Gerrarde had +attempted it. + +As I did not at that time desire a _tête à tête_ with her, I contrived +to keep Mrs Lamb in the room, by desiring her to drink tea with us. + +When we had done breakfast, I told Mrs Gerrarde, that as I feared she +was a good deal fatigued, if it was agreeable to her, we would remain +where we were for that day; and that I would by all means have her think +of taking some rest. She said she was extremely tired, and should like +to get a little sleep. I think, madam, you had better go to bed, said +Mrs Lamb; I have a very quiet chamber ready, where no noise in the house +can disturb you. Shew me to it, answered Mrs Gerrarde, with a tone of +weariness and ill-humour. The woman obeyed; I followed: she carried her +to the door of the room where the maid was, and throwing it open, Mrs +Gerrarde, who supposed she was attending her, went in: I stepped in +after her; Mrs Lamb withdrew. + +Mrs Gerrarde's astonishment at the sight of her maid, is past +description. Rachael! in a tone of admiration. Rachael, who did not +think there was any thing unexpected or extraordinary in their meeting, +quite at a loss to guess at what her mistress wondered, answered her in +her turn with some surprize. Madam! and waited, expecting she would give +her some orders; which finding the lady did not, the maid asked her, +very composedly, Would she please to undress? I hope, Madam, said I, +stepping forward, that Mrs Rachael has taken care to bring you every +thing you may have occasion for; I shall leave you in her hands, and +wish you a good repose. Strange, astonishing creature! said Mrs +Gerrarde, looking at me with less anger than surprize. I bowed, and left +the room. + +I ordered Mrs Lamb to have an eye to my prisoners; and heartily tired as +I was, between dancing and travelling, I undressed and threw myself into +bed. I slept till six o'clock in the evening; then rose, and put myself +into a habit fitter for my journey than that in which I came; and which +I had sent in a post-trunk before me, by the messenger whom I had +employed to apprize Lamb of my coming. + +Mrs Gerrarde was not yet stirring. I called for Rachael, and asked her +how she had come off with her lady, upon telling her the manner of her +falling into my snare. Rachael told me her lady wondered mightily at my +art, and said I was the _strangest gentleman_ that ever was born. My +friend Rachael softened the expression I fancy; I am sure Mrs Gerrarde +did not call me a strange _gentleman_. She said her mistress smiled two +or three times at her relation, particularly at my giving her the keys. +I found, upon the whole, that my conduct in securing to her her money +and her jewels, together with the attendance of her maid, had a good +deal appeased her resentment. + +Mrs Gerrarde did not rise till near eight o'clock. I had ordered as +elegant a dinner as the house could afford; and the lady having put +herself into a genteel dishabille, with great alacrity sat down to +table, and did not appear to have fretted away her appetite. I would +suffer no one to attend but Rachael. I told Mrs Gerrarde that I purposed +setting out for Dover that night, and that as it could not be supposed +her maid should be able to ride so far, and that a second carriage with +four horses (as less might not be able to keep pace with us) would be +liable to observation, I would, if she pleased, resign my place in the +chariot to Mrs Rachael, and attend her myself on horseback. She answered +me coldly. Since she _must_ go, it was indifferent to her who was to be +her companion. Though the motive I offered for this manner of travelling +was not without its weight, yet my true reason was to avoid being boxed +up so long again with Mrs Gerrarde. My time was not yet come for +explanations, and I was afraid of being upon good terms with her too +soon. + +The remainder of the evening was spent by her and her maid in carefully +packing up their baggage, which had been brought in a confused huddle to +the inn. Mrs Gerrarde had a convenient trunk bought at Rochester for the +purpose, and assisted herself in laying them up safely. + +She equipped herself in a smart riding-dress, and at eleven o'clock, +without any great reluctance, permitted me to put her and her maid into +the chariot. The inn had no company in it, at least that we saw; and our +host was too discreet to let any of his servants be in the way. I +mounted my horse, and triumphantly galloped off with my prize. + +We reached Dover early next morning, and immediately got on board the +packet. The lady by this time appeared so perfectly serene, that I +believe in my soul I should not have got rid of her, if I had desired +her to have gone back again; but she had assumed a new air, and +affected a fine tender melancholy in her countenance. I guessed at her +thoughts, and found afterwards my conjecture right. Will you believe me, +Sir George, when I tell you the baggage had formed serious _honourable +designs_ upon my person? Fact, upon my word. I saw it presently (you +know my knack of reading people's minds in their faces), and was not +sorry for the discovery; for though I determined not on any account to +encourage such a wild expectation, yet I intended to make a _discreet_ +use of it; besides, I knew it would afford me a handle for keeping a +_respectful_ distance. + +We landed next evening. She had been very sick at sea, and continued so +much out of order, that she was put to bed as soon as we got to the inn. +She ordered her maid not to stir from her; the very thing I wished; so +that I had nothing to do but to be very troublesome in my enquiries +after her health, and very sorry for her indisposition. + +The next morning however set all to rights; and after congratulating her +on her recovery, and the revival of her beauty, I told her I meant to +carry her to Boulogne, whither I had sent Pivet the night before to take +lodgings for us, in a private house which he knew. I found that neither +Mrs Gerrarde nor her maid spoke French; a circumstance I was very glad +of, though the former bitterly lamented her having _forgot_ it. She made +not the least objection to the travelling from Calais to Boulogne, as +she had done before: her late indisposition gave me a pretence for +insisting on Rachael's attending her in the chariot. + +The lodgings Pivet had taken were very handsome; our apartments were on +the same floor, separated only by a lobby. Mrs Rachael had a little bed +fitted up for her by my directions in her lady's dressing-room. Thus far +I had sailed before the wind; but now came the difficult part of my +task. It was impossible for Mrs Gerrarde to conceive that any thing, but +down-right love for her person, could have induced me to do what I had +done. I had actually run away with her, put myself to some hazard, and, +what in her estimation was no small matter, some expence too. No other +motive had appeared in all my conduct towards her; and tho' I had not +absolutely made love to her, yet what other construction could my +actions bear? for my words, to say the truth, were equivocal. She must +necessarily have concluded that I had no other view but a piece of +gallantry with her. Her designs on me were of a much more serious +nature; and her vanity made her imagine, that, notwithstanding my +thorough knowledge of her character, her cunning, joined to my passion, +might lead me into her snare. + +Now, I had two nice points to consider of, and two difficulties to +surmount. The first was, not, by any part of my conduct, to carry the +deception so far as to give her the least room to hope I could be mad +enough to marry her. This, bad as _she_ is, and extravagant as _I_ am, I +could not think of doing, even to gain my favourite point. The other +was, to keep up such an appearance of gallantry towards her as she must +naturally expect, and at the same time avoid all approaches which +usually forerun the catastrophe of an amour; than which nothing was more +repugnant to my wishes. + +To steer between these two extremes was the difficult task, particularly +the latter; for, between ourselves, I began to be much more afraid of +her than she was of me. I knew it would be impossible for me to keep up +the farce long; the sooner it was over the better; and therefore I +determined to enter on my part directly. + +I had been ruminating on my project all the way as I rode. When we +arrived at Boulogne, I found myself a little out of order, having caught +cold; and as I was really somewhat feverish, a thought started into my +head, that this illness might aid me in my design. When we came to our +lodgings, I made my excuses to Mrs Gerrarde for not being able to attend +her: I told her I found myself ill, and must be obliged to go to bed. +She said she was _very sorry_, and perhaps she spoke truth. + +I left her in possession of her new apartment with her maid Rachael. +Their being strangers to the language of the country cut off all +communication with the people of the house, who could not speak English. +I introduced Pivet to them, whom they had never seen before (for he had +taken particular care to keep out of their view during the whole +journey), as a gentleman who was to be their interpreter; and having +thus settled my household, I retired to my bed-chamber. + +Not well, nor sick enough to go to bed, I threw myself however down on +it; and after revolving in my mind all the occurrences of the three or +four past days, I started up again, sat down to my desk, and have given +you, my Bidulph, a faithful narrative of my proceedings down to the +present period of time, being November 20, eight o'clock in the evening. + +You may soon expect to have the second part of this my delectable +history; 'Shewing how Orlando, not being able to prevail, with all his +eloquence, on the as fair and beautiful, as fierce and inexorable, +Princess Gerrardina, to put the finishing hand to his adventures and +most wonderful exploits, did, his wrath being moved thereby, like an +ungentle knight, bury his sword in her snow-white, but savage and +unrelenting breast; whereat, being stung with remorse, he afterwards +kills himself.' + +Would not this be a pretty conclusion of my adventures? No, no, Sir +George, expect better things from thy friend. I hope my knight-errantry +will not end so tragically. But hasten to make my peace with that +gracious creature your sister: yet why do I name her and myself in the +same sentence? She cares not for me, thinks not of me, or, if she does, +it is with contempt. I said this before, and I _must_ repeat it again; +but tell her, what I have done was with a view to promote her happiness. +Oh! may _she_ be happy, whatever becomes of me. I know the means I have +used will make her angry; but try to make her forgive the means for the +motive's sake. Tell her as much of this wild story as you think proper; +but do not let her see it in my wild rambling language; that is only fit +for your own eye. + +Your mother, I know, is out of all patience with me. I am black enough +in her opinion already. This last action, as far as she has yet known of +it, will dye me ten shades deeper; but pray put in a word for me there +too. I know she will say, that 'we are not to return evil for evil; and +that it is not lawful to do evil, though to bring forth good.' But put +her in mind that there are such things as _pious frauds_ (though, +by-the-bye, I do not take this of mine to be one of them); 'that wicked +people are to have their arts opposed by _arts_; and that good people +have not only been permitted, but commanded to execute vengeance on +sinners.' And you may hint at the children of Israel's being ordered to +spoil the Ægyptians, though far be it from me to spoil Mrs Gerrarde of +any thing she has. This however, and as many wise sayings as you can +collect for the purpose, you may string together; and be sure you tell +her I have hopes of reclaiming Mrs Gerrarde from her _evil_ courses, and +do not despair of prevailing on her to go into a nunnery; for Mrs +Gerrarde, you must know, was bred a Roman Catholic, though she conformed +on marrying Captain Gerrarde. + +Now put all this into decent language, fit for that very good woman's +ears; for _good_ I must call her, notwithstanding she was inexorable to +me. + +I am fatigued with writing so long a letter--I feel my disorder increase +upon me; I will be let blood, and hope soon to give you a good account +of my undertaking. Mean while, if I am not quite reprobated, write me a +line, directed under cover to Monsieur Larou, at the Post-house, +Boulogne. Farewel, my dear Bidulph; sick or well, I am ever your's, + + O.F. + + + _December 7_ + +Was there ever such a piece of knight-errantry? What a mad-cap is this! +Pray, my dear, are you not astonished at him? I am sure I am. I had not +an opportunity to finish the copying of this very long letter, which I +began yesterday morning, till very late this night. My poor mother has +been so restless, and so much out of order, these two days, I desired +her leave to read to her Mr Faulkland's history (for I can call it by no +other name) as I sat by her bed-side. She told me, I might let her know +the substance of what he said, as it would fatigue her too much to +attend to so long an epistle. + +You would have smiled, my Cecilia, at my good parent's amazement, when I +told her Mr Faulkland's proceedings, and his reasons for them. She would +scarce give credit to it at first, and I was obliged to repeat several +circumstances to her over again. And so, said she, this was all on +_your_ account, and he had _really_ no ill design on Mrs Gerrarde. I am +glad of this for Miss Burchell's sake, and shall be impatient to tell +her of it. I begged of my mother to wait a while for the result of Mr +Faulkland's adventure, before she mentioned any thing of the matter to +Miss Burchell. We do not yet know, said I, how this matter may turn out; +Mr Faulkland, to be sure, will make haste to communicate to my brother +the issue of this odd affair, and it will then be time enough to inform +the young lady. + +My mother unwillingly consented to postpone a discovery which she knew +would be so agreeable to Miss Burchell. I applaud her humanity; but +think that, good and prudent as she is, she is too unreserved in her +confidences. This strange business is, I think, at present in too +critical a suspence to trust the knowledge of it to anybody. If Mr +Faulkland fails in his design, his avowal of it will be far from serving +me. Sir George was with us for a few minutes to-day, only to exult in Mr +Faulkland's recovered credit. Has he not well explained himself, said +he? Oh! I knew there must have been some mystery at the bottom of that +conduct which surprized us all so much. _There's_ a man for you! Shew me +another who would carry his noble disinterested love to such lengths! + +My mother did not like that he should run on in that strain, and +therefore stopped him. The end crowns all, Sir George: let us see how +your friend will conduct himself _through_ this ticklish affair. Let him +get through it how he will, answered my brother a little bluntly, I +think Sidney has obligations to him she ought never to forget. + + + _December 16_ + +More intelligence, my dear; stranger and stranger still! I am sorry I +sent off my last packet, as I am sure you must be impatient for the +conclusion of Mr Faulkland's adventure; and then what sorry stuff has +the interval been filled up with! but I will now make you amends. My +mother is better too, thank God! and every thing promises well. + +Sir George has had a second packet from Boulogne. Take the continuation +of Mrs Gerrarde's history as follows: + + How rude is the hand of sickness, my Bidulph! it had like to have + spoiled one of the best projects that ever was undertaken, and + consigned to oblivion an action worthy of immortality. I have been + very ill since I last wrote to you; the disorder, which I then + complained of, turned out to be an ugly fever; and I was for three + days in extreme danger. Mrs Gerrarde was, during that time, closely + attended by Pivet, whose services I dispensed with on that account. + He told me she appeared uneasy at my situation, and enquired + constantly, and _kindly_ too, after my health. When I grew well + enough to sit up, I begged the favour of seeing her in my chamber. + She came very readily, and seemed downright anxious for my recovery. + I told her I hoped she had been treated with proper care and respect + during my sickness. She said Mr Pivet was a very obliging, + good-natured man, and had endeavoured to make her confinement as + easy to her as possible. + + The plan she had formed of turning to the most lasting advantage the + inclination she supposed I had for her, inclined her to assume a + very different behaviour from what was natural to her. The weakness + of my condition, while it afforded me a pretence for a more cold and + languid behaviour than I could with any colour have put on at + another time, gave her an opportunity of playing off her arts, and + facilitated my design beyond my hopes. + + She was seated at my bed-side: our first conversation consisted of + nothing but complaints on my side, and condolements on her's. I + sighed several times, and she sighed in return. Mrs Gerrarde, said + I, you are afflicted; but my illness has no share in your concern. + Something else oppresses you; you regret the being separated from Mr + Arnold, and I am always the object of your hatred. Neither one nor + t'other, answered she, in a kind voice. 'Tis impossible to hate you; + you know it is not in nature for a _woman_ to hate such a man as Mr + Faulkland. As for Mr Arnold, though I _own_ my former weakness in + regard to him, yet I hope I have something to plead in my excuse. I + was married very early to an old man, and had never experienced the + happiness of reciprocal love: he died, and left me destitute. Mr + Arnold's generous, though I must confess unwarrantable passion, + rescued me from distress. I did not know he was married when I first + unwarily accepted of his addresses, and it was too late to retreat + before I found it out; otherwise the universe should not have + tempted me to have listened to him. + + In the midst of the affluence I obtained from him, it often grieved + me to think of the injury I did his wife. There is nothing, Mr + Faulkland, so grating to a generous mind, and I think I may venture + to assert that _mine_ is one, as to live in a state of dependence, + and, at the same time, owe that very dependence to a vice that you + disdain. + + I was delighted to find that she had got into this strain; it was + the thing I wished, but durst hardly hope for without abundance of + trouble on my part, and a dissimulation that was irksome to me. I + knew she had studied this speech, and got it by rote to answer her + own purpose; but in this, as is generally the case of designing + people, she overshot herself, and became the dupe to her own + artifice. I laid hold of the cue she gave: Oh! madam, you charm me! + go on, go on; now indeed you shew a generous mind: happy would it be + for all your sex, after having deviated from the paths of virtue, if + they could return to them with so good a grace, so just a sense of + their errors! To _you_, Sir, said she with a solemn air, I am + indebted for my present resolutions: I hope from this time forward + that my life will be irreproachable. _I_ hope so too, madam. I + guessed she understood these words as favouring her design: it was + not meet to undeceive her (a little mental reservation, you know, + Bidulph): she went on, little thinking she was forwarding _my_ plan, + when she only meant to promote her _own_. I hope Mr Arnold will be + as sensible of his fault as I am of _mine_, and that he will never + fall into the like indiscretion again. I believe there can be no + true happiness but between a _married_ pair, who sincerely love each + other. + + Good! Good! thought I; sure my better genius prompts the woman to + speak thus. Ah! Mrs Gerrarde, how exactly do your thoughts + correspond with mine! How just are all your sentiments! What a true + relish have you for virtue! Yes, I hope with you that Mr Arnold will + be able to tread in your steps: it is a pity he has not your noble + example before him. Mrs Arnold is a good woman, and he might still + live with her in tolerable contentment, if he can get the better of + his irregular passion for you. What a noble triumph of virtuous + resolution would this be, if you yourself were the instrument to + bring this about. For Mrs Arnold's and her brother's sake, as well + as your own, I wish this were feasible. + + I would do any thing in my power, said she (thinking she obliged me + by the declaration); but I know not by what means such an event can + be brought to pass. + + I was afraid to urge the matter farther: I was within an hair's + breadth of gaining my point, but did not think it prudent to press + too forward. We'll think of it another time, said I, and groaned + heavily, as if my spirits were fatigued with talking. She took the + hint. I am afraid I have tired you; you have talked too much. I + answered her faintly, You are very good! She curtesied to me, and + retired with a majestic step. I saw her no more that day: she had + got upon stilts, and it was not yet time to take her down. To-morrow + may produce a wonder: I will wait for it. I am really weak, but + begin to recover my spirits. + + _Boulogne, December 6._ + + Nothing is so conducive to the body's health, as the mind's being at + ease. I have proved the truth of this observation: my soul had been + racked with suspence and uncertainty during my illness; the uneasy + state of my mind increased my disorder; the disorder itself had + chiefly given rise to my apprehensions, as pain and sickness are + naturally accompanied with a gloominess of thought. Thus the cause + and its effects were united in mutual league against me, and + reciprocally assisted each other to plague and torment me. + + My fears were intirely on Mrs Arnold's account. What, thought I, + would be the consequence of my project, in case of my death? Mrs + Gerrarde will return back to England; and, upon telling her story, + will be received again by Arnold; their union perhaps established as + firmly as before, and poor Mrs Arnold's hopes ruined for ever. Then + I thought what a wretch I must appear in her eyes, doubtful, may be, + of my sincerity as to the motives I urged to you for my conduct. On + the other hand, if these motives should by any means happen to be + suspected by Mrs Gerrarde, it might be the means of producing the + direct contrary effect from what I intended; and instead of + banishing Arnold's cruel suspicions of his lady, only serve to + strengthen them; for I knew Mrs Gerrarde would leave nothing unsaid + or undone for this horrid purpose; and it is not every one, Sir + George, whose hearts are enlarged enough to suppose a man may now + and then take a little pains from disinterested principles. This + last suggestion of my thoughts made me almost mad, and actually + brought on a delirium; and what may seem a paradox, though it is + literally true, the total deprivation of my senses for two days was + the means of my recovering them afterwards; for I am sure, had I + retained enough of them to have ruminated longer on this fatal + supposition, and my disorder had still threatened me with death, + I should have run mad. The care of a skilful physician recalled + me from the precincts of the grave; the strength of a constitution, + naturally good, joined to all the resolution I could muster, did the + rest. + + The first use I made of my recovered reason, was to consult with + myself in what manner, or by what means, I should prevail on Mrs + Gerrarde to lend a helping hand to my design. Her leaving Arnold to + go off with me, and to all human appearance with her own consent, + was a material point gained; but the most important of all, and + without which every thing else would be fruitless, was to get her to + acknowlege, under her own hand, the injury she had done Mrs Arnold + by her vile insinuations to her husband. This was the grand object + of all my wishes. This, you will say, was difficult: I confess it + did then appear so to me. I had not at first weighed all the + consequences of my enterprize with that deliberation that I ought. + The principal object I had in view, was the separating Mrs Gerrarde + and Mr Arnold, and raising his indignation against her, on account + of the apparent infidelity on her side. To say the truth, I had not + considered what I was to do with her when I had her. Two things I + had resolved on; the one was, not to let her return to England; the + other, to provide for her in whatever way she would put it in my + power (the devoting myself to her excepted), in such a manner as + should leave her no room to reproach me with having injured her + temporal welfare. + + During my illness, I had resolved all these things in my mind; the + last, viz. the providing for Mrs Gerrarde, was not a matter in which + I expected to meet many difficulties; the other appeared very + formidable. Several methods presented themselves, but none of them + pleased me, and I rejected them one after the other; and, to tell + you my mind honestly, I was almost resolved on using compulsion, and + frightening the poor woman into compliance; for I preferred even + this to artificial dealings. I had already used more than I could + have possibly brought myself to on any other occasion in the world; + and I think I should have threatened her with a nunnery, the + bastile, or even an inquisition, sooner than have failed, if she + herself had not beyond expectation, beyond hope, almost beyond the + evidence of my senses, led me as it were to request the thing of + her, which of all others I most despaired of her consenting to, or + even hearing proposed with patience. And yet, notwithstanding the + seeming strangeness of this, it was nothing but what was very + natural, and most consonant to her own designs. Blinded, and, as I + may say, infatuated by vanity, she imagined, that as I had taken + such uncommon pains to obtain her, I must love her with an uncommon + degree of passion; and that her steadily refusing any dishonourable + proposals, might induce me, rather than lose her, to make her my + wife. + + In order to prepare me the better for this, no means were more + natural, than for her to assume the air of a penitent, to seem sorry + and ashamed of her past sins, and resolve on a virtuous course for + the future. At the worst, that is, if she found _I_ was not disposed + to be as virtuous as herself, she knew she might play an after-game; + and could easily relax by degrees from the severity of her chastity, + accordingly as I made it worth her while. + + This was the master-key to her behaviour, and once I had got it, + which I soon did, it was easy to unlock her breast. + + She came into my room the next morning without an invitation, and + only the previous ceremony of sending Rachael to enquire how I did, + and to tell me, if I were well enough to _rise_ (observe her + nicety), she would sit half an hour with me. I had enjoyed such + tranquility of heart since my last conference with her, and had + rested so well the preceding night, that I found myself quite + another thing from what I was the day before; and, excepting a + little weakness, I was as well as ever I was in my life. I was up + and dressed, and you may be sure sent a suitable answer to her kind + message, which soon brought the lady, sailing with an imperial port, + into my chamber. After some civilities past on both sides, she, by + way of bringing her own interests on the tapis, re-assumed the topic + of our yesterday's conversation. + + You can't imagine, Mr Faulkland, said she, how easy I am in my + mind, since I have reconciled myself to the loss of Mr Arnold. I own + I had a regard for him; but I think it had more of gratitude than + love in it; for though he is an agreeable man, to say the truth, he + never was quite to my taste: he always had something too formal + about him. + + I took the liberty to ask her, how she first came acquainted with Mr + Arnold; and, as you may not know it, I will give you the story. She + answered, with a profound sigh, It was by mere accident I first saw + him. After the death of Captain Gerrarde, which happened in a little + more than a year after we left Bath, for the gout, poor man, got + into his stomach not long after we returned home (and the crocodile + pretended to drop a tear), I went to London, in order to sollicit + for my pension. As I had formerly been a Roman Catholic, and had not + publickly renounced that persuasion, some difficulties arose in the + business; and a friend of my deceased husband, who had undertaken + the affair for me, happening to be an intimate of Mr Arnold's, and + knowing he had an influence with the secretary at war, endeavoured + to interest him in my favour, by representing my situation in the + most affecting light he could to him. He kindly undertook to + interfere for me, and was as good as his word; but could not + surmount the difficulty of the objection which was made to my claim. + He happened one morning, unluckily for me, to call in at my friend's + lodgings, to tell him of his ill success: I, impatient to know how + my affair went on, had dropped in to inquire about it a few minutes + before him, and was sitting in the dining-room when Mr Arnold + entered. I was in my weeds, and my melancholy looks I believe made + Mr Arnold conjecture I was the person for whom he had so kindly + concerned himself. He told my friend he was sorry to inform him, + that though he had used all means in his power, with regard to the + affair in which he had employed him, he found it was impossible to + effect the business; and I am the more concerned, said he, turning + towards me, as I am afraid this lady is to be the sufferer. My + relation said I was the person for whom he had been so good as to + intercede. I returned Mr Arnold thanks, not without tears, at the + uncomfortable prospect I had before me; for I had then nothing to + depend on, but my small jointure in Kent. I was about to take my + leave; but observing it rained, desired my friend to give his + servant leave to call me a chair. Mr Arnold very politely desired I + would permit him to set me down, as his chariot waited at the door. + I would have excused myself; but my relation said, 'Tis in his way, + child; and since you have no hopes of a pension, you ought to be + sparing of chair-hire. Mr Arnold very obligingly offered me his + hand, and led me to his chariot. He set me down at my lodgings, and + at parting desired permission to wait on me. The fatal consequence + of our acquaintance it was impossible for me to foresee; for I never + had the least hint given me, either from my own relation or Mr + Arnold himself, that he was a married man, till he had so far + secured my gratitude, by repeated acts of generosity, that it was + impossible for me to refuse him the return he demanded. + + Too-grateful heart, said I (pretending to believe her cant), what a + pity thou wert not destined to reward a purer love! But I thought, + madam, you really had enjoyed a pension? + + It was not necessary, she answered, that I should let the world + suppose otherwise. I was not at all known when I first came to town. + Mr Arnold's excessive profuseness (quiet against my inclination) + threw me into a more expensive way of living than before. I found + myself obliged to account for it, to the few acquaintance I had, by + all the probable means I could devise. For this purpose, I pretended + that I had not only obtained a pension, but had also a fortune left + me by the death of a relation. This was believed, as nobody troubled + their heads to enquire whether it was true or not. + + Mr Arnold was passionately fond of the country, and always passed + his summers there; but as he could not think of parting with me, he + was sadly at a loss how to have me near him, without bringing on us + both the observation of an inquisitive neighbourhood (such as all + country places abound in), if I went down, quite a stranger as I + was, into Essex; particularly as he told me there were two families + near Arnold-abbey, who made it their business to pry into other + people's affairs. These were, a Lady Grimston, a censorious old + woman, and the parson of the parish, who was a mighty strict man, of + whom Mr Arnold seemed to stand in some awe. He therefore determined + against my going to that part of the world: but having casually + heard me speak of my little cottage in Kent, where poor Captain + Gerrarde and I had lived for two or three years, he asked me + whereabouts it was, and was delighted to find it joined his own + estate at South Park, and was within a mile of his house. He begged + of me to go down to my own house, which he insisted on furnishing + elegantly for me, and obliged me also to keep a chariot. I (tho' + unwillingly) found myself under a necessity of complying. About a + fortnight after I was settled at Ashby, Mr Arnold and his family + came down: then it was that, for the first time, I saw his lady. I + went to pay my compliments to her, as every genteel family in the + neighbourhood did; and I own I never saw her without feeling myself + shocked to death at the thoughts of the injury I did her; for I + really believe Mrs Arnold is a very well-meaning woman. + + Oh! thou scorpion, muttered I to myself, and yet thou hast pursued + her to affliction and ruin! + + That Mrs Arnold is a well-meaning woman, said I coldly, I have no + doubt; yet you see Mr Arnold's opinion of her virtue was not strong + enough to be proof against suspicions; for it is most certain, that, + if he had not given credit to your representations of his wife's + conduct, he would not have gone such lengths as to have parted with + her; for Arnold had always some regard to appearances. + + _My_ representations, Sir! with a look of astonishment; pray do not + lay more to my charge than I deserve: what the particular reasons + were, which induced Mr Arnold to part with his wife, I will not say; + but whatever his suspicions were, they never took their rise from + me. + + I found she intended to brazen this denial out; but as it was + absolutely necessary to my design to bring her to a confession of + this particular act of perfidy, I resolved to lead her into it in + such a way as should be least mortifying to her pride. + + Come, come, my dear Mrs Gerrarde, said I, I know you are above + concealing any past failings that you are resolved to mend. I know + very well that it was _your_ insinuations, and your's only, that + kindled the fire of jealousy in Arnold's breast. Such arts are not + uncommon in lovers. You loved him then, and wished to have him + intirely to yourself; and a wife, though a forsaken one, is still + intitled to so much attention from her husband, as a fond mistress + may think robs her of too much. I know this was the case, and it is + natural: but were you not an unmerciful little tyrant to involve + _me_ in the mischief, and put it into the man's noddle, that _I_ had + designs upon his wife? + + The easy manner in which I affected to speak of this affair, seemed + to reconcile her a little to the charge; but the last part of it, + which regarded myself, struck her all of a heap. She had no notion + that I knew it. She was going to speak, to deny the accusation I + suppose, and therefore I prevented her; and taking her by the hand, + Come now, said I, deal with me ingenuously; and if you persuade me + that you are really in earnest, and mean to repair those little + lapses which you have inconsiderately been led into, tell me truly, + did you really believe that I ever had any thoughts of an amour with + Mrs Arnold? + + I chose to give my inquiry this turn, that she might, with less + shame to herself, by laying hold on the hint, acknowlege her guilt. + She hesitated for an answer, and I guessed she was considering + whether to persist in denying the whole charge against her, or avail + herself of the handle I had given her, and make a sort of merit of + her sincerity, by pretending to believe what she was thoroughly + convinced there was not the least foundation even to suspect, but + what her own wicked suggestions had encouraged in the unfortunate + Arnold. Her silence, thus rightly interpreted by me, made me go on: + You see I know all your secrets; and you are not the woman I take + you for, if you conceal your real sentiments in this particular: + more of my quiet depends on it than you are aware of, and I withdrew + my hand from her's with a serious and almost resenting air. + + She appeared disturbed, and in a good deal of confusion; but + recovering herself, Why really, Mr Faulkland, I can't say but I + _had_ some suspicion of what you mention. I was no stranger to your + fondness for Mrs Arnold before she was married, and there was + nothing very surprising in a disappointed lover's renewing his + hopes, when he thought the neglect which a lady met with from her + husband, might incline her to be less obdurate to a man she was once + known to favour so much. + + This was enough: I did not think it by any means necessary to press + her to a farther explanation; what she said was a sufficient + acknowlegement of her fault, though the cunning sorceress had turned + the hint (which I had thrown out on purpose) to her own advantage; + and had the affrontery to avow an opinion which had never before + entered into her imagination. + + I found it necessary now to carry on the farce, by assuring her, I + had never entertained a thought to Mrs Arnold's dishonour; and that + though I made no great scruple of robbing a man of his mistress, yet + I thought it a crime of the blackest dye to deprive him of the + affection or fidelity of his wife. + + The serious manner in which I spoke this a little disconcerted Mrs + Gerrarde. Well, said she, I can only say, that I am very sorry I + entertained so false a suspicion; and more so, as it has produced + such unhappy consequences: but I hope Mr Faulkland will not believe + that I meant _him_ any injury? + + That I am sure you did not, said I; and yet this very affair has + given me more uneasiness than you can imagine; for as Mrs Arnold's + brother is my most particular friend, he must think me the greatest + of villains, if I could entertain a thought of dishonouring his + family: the fear of losing his friendship, I own, gives me more pain + than I can express, and there is nothing I would not do to + exculpate myself to him. + + I am very unfortunate, cried Mrs Gerrarde (pretending to wipe her + eyes), to have been the occasion of so much uneasiness in any-body's + family. I wish I had died before I was so unhappy as to meet with Mr + Arnold: if it had not been for him, I might now have been an + innocent and a contented woman; and she _really_ squeezed out a + tear, though not of contrition. + + Dear madam (again taking her hand), do not afflict yourself for what + is past recalling; contentment, nay happiness, I hope, is yet within + your reach; it will be your own fault if you do not lay hold of it: + as for the unhappy family that _I_, as well as _you_, have + contributed to distress, I wish from my heart there could be a + reunion amongst them. Mr Arnold's having lost you might perhaps + incline him to turn his thoughts towards his wife, if he were not + prejudiced against her by the suspicions he has entertained of her + virtue. This I am afraid will be an insuperable bar to their ever + living together, unless your influence, which first gave birth to + his jealousy, is still forcible enough to remove it. + + I wish it were in my power, said Mrs Gerrarde; there is nothing I + would not do to effect it: but what influence can I have on Mr + Arnold, after what has happened? + + Suppose you were to write to him, said I: you and he probably may + never meet again; and it would be an effort worthy indeed of a noble + mind, to repair the wrongs we have done to others, by a candid + acknowlegement of our own faults. Putting Mrs Arnold out of the + question, 'tis a reparation you owe _my_ character; for however + light the world may make of a piece of gallantry with a married + woman, it is a matter of serious moment to me to acquit myself of + the supposed crime to Sir George Bidulph. + + If you think, said she, that my writing to Mr Arnold could produce + such good effects, I am ready to do it; though I confess I hardly + know how to address him; for he must, to be sure, look upon me as + the very reverse of what I _really_ am, and thinks me without + dispute an ungrateful woman. + + We can but try, said I: if it does not produce the desired effect, + it will not be your fault; and you will have the satisfaction to + reflect, that you have done your duty. I stepped to my escruitore + while I was speaking; and resolving not to give her time to cool, + took out pen, ink, and paper, and laid them on a little + writing-table before her. If this unlucky breach, said I, were once + made up, my mind would then be easy. + + She took the pen in her hand, but seemed irresolute, and at a loss + how to begin. Come, madam, said I, and confute, by your own example, + the received erroneous opinion, that if a woman once strays from the + paths of virtue, she never returns to them. + + A false and ill-grounded opinion indeed, said she, lifting up her + prophane eyes as in penitence. What am I to say? + + [You are to observe, that my notes, as she went along while I + dictated, are put between hooks.] + + [Begin] 'Dear Sir' [for I would neither be too familiar nor too + cold], 'The terms on which you and I have lived, intitles you to an + explanation of my reasons for leaving you so abruptly; and I hope + the generosity of my motive will incline you to overlook the seeming + unkindness of the action.' [This you may assure yourself it will, + when he comes to consider coolly]. 'The unhappiness that I + occasioned in your family, by causing the separation of you and your + wife, has, for a long time, been a thorn in my heart; and the more + so, as besides the robbing her of your affections, I own, and take + shame to myself in the confession' [how noble must he think this + confession!], 'that those aspersions, which I threw on her, had not + the least foundation in truth.' [This is truly great]. 'I always + believed her perfectly innocent; but, if I could have had the least + possible doubt of it before, I must now be confirmed in that opinion + by Mr Faulkland, who can have no reason for excusing or concealing + facts of this nature from me at present.' [Here she added of + herself, repeating it first aloud to me], 'and I think the + preference he has given me to her, now in her state of separation, + is a convincing proof of this.' [An admirable argument] (her vanity + would not let her slip this observation). [Proceed, madam]. 'The + true reasons of my insinuations against her, were no other than that + I could not bear to share your affections with any-body' [and a very + sufficient reason too, which a man that loves can easily forgive]. + 'I knew, that so long as she gave you no cause of complaint, you + were too just to withdraw your whole heart from her, and nothing + _but_ the whole would content me.' [Still you see you shew a great + mind]. True, said she, going on; but my reason for leaving him + without apprizing him of it, what are we to say for that? [Oh! + nothing more _easy_ to execute: he will admire you the more for the + reason _I_ shall give. Come]. 'My departing without first making you + acquainted with my design, and going off with another person, may, + at first sight, seem very strange; but, to tell you the real state + of my heart, I found I could not trust to its firmness on the + subject of parting with you. I loved you so, that it was with pain + and grief I made the resolution; and I knew too well, that had you + used any arguments, which to be sure you would have done, to + dissuade me, I, like an easy fool, would have given up all my good + designs.' [I am only afraid this will make him love you more than + ever]. (She smiled as she continued to write). 'As for the other + article'--(This I was more puzzled to excuse than the first; but, + putting on a bold face, I said, Madam, I hope you will not condemn + me here, while you excuse yourself: the saying you were _run away_ + with, will knock all the rest on the head, and he may chuse whether + he will believe that you really intended to break off with him or + not; therefore that particular had better not be touched upon. Well, + said she, get me out of this scrape as cleverly as you have brought + me into it. Fear not, said I; go on). 'As for the other article, + though I shall never love Mr Faulkland as I have done you, yet in + him I have found a protector; and through his means, I hope to pass + the remainder of my life, in a manner more suitable to a woman of a + generous way of thinking, than that wherein she considered herself + as encroaching on the rights of another. I hope, by this sacrifice + which I have made of my love to a more heroic principle, that I + shall expiate my former offence; and that you will follow my example + so far as to make what reparation you can to the woman we have both + injured.' [How this must raise, how exalt you in his opinion! I + think it must, cried she, bridling up her head, as if they were + really her own sentiments]. + + I believe, said I, this is all that is necessary to be said: you may + add, in a postscript, that, as he furnished the house for you at + Ashby, every thing in it is at his service; together with your + chariot and horses, which were also his gifts. + + She demurred to this; and in the midst of her heroics, said, I wish + I could get somebody to sell them for me privately, and remit the + money to me; for, since I _am_ here, I should like to see a little + more of France before I return. + + I told her that would look mean, and below a _great mind_. Well, + said she, let them go. I owe all my servants a year's wages, and + another person about fifty pounds for a little temple he had just + built in my garden, but not quite finished when I came away. I think + I had better desire those debts to be discharged: I have always been + very punctual in my dealings, and would not for the world _wrong_ + anybody. + + You are in the right, said I: it will look honourable in you to + desire those debts to be paid. + + She now proceeded to conclude her letter in the same stile she had + begun it, and added a postscript to the purport I mentioned. I + hastened to make her seal it up, and direct it to Mr Arnold, at his + house in London, who, I suppose, has had the pleasure of receiving + it before now; for I dispatched it off directly. I flatter myself + with the hope that it will have the desired effect on him. + + You will think perhaps, that, as I have managed it, I have really + given her a sort of merit with him in the acknowlegement of her + fault, and the pretended reason she gives for leaving him. No such + thing, Sir George. Arnold is a man of too much sense, and knows the + world too well, to be so deceived. I have been told by my Lord + V----, knows him perfectly, that nobody judges better when he is not + blinded by his passions. All her professions must go for nothing + when _facts_ are against her. 'Tis plain she went off with another + man, and to all appearances premeditately, as her maid and her + riches bore her company. 'Tis also plain, by her own confession, + that this man stands well with her. As for her recanting her + injurious aspersions on poor Mrs Arnold, 'tis the only circumstance + in her letter likely to gain belief, as she could have no temptation + to that but real compunction, with which people of that kind are + sometimes visited; and for the rest of her letter, to any one of + common understanding, that lays circumstances together, it will + appear, as I intended it should, the contrivance of an artful jilt, + who, having almost ruined the wretch she has had in her power, would + afterwards make a _merit_ of deserting him; for they must be + hardened reprobates indeed, that would not, if they could, at least + _try_ to palliate their evil deeds. This is the light I expect + Arnold will consider her in. I know he is hurt deeply in his fortune + by this vile harpy. I hope the remnant may be sufficient to support + your excellent sister, if not in affluence, at least with comfort, + should she regain her influence over him, and submit to live with + him again. This, I am sure, will be the consequence, if he is not + blind to his own happiness. + + I shall be impatient to know how the letter operates on him; but + this you are not likely to be let into; and perhaps his pride may + make him endeavour to conceal it from every-body. My Lord V----, I + am sure, will pick up some intelligence, and send it to me. + + I think Mrs Gerrarde's confession, in regard to Mrs Arnold (to which + she could have no interested motive), with the corroborating + circumstance of _my_ going off with her at a time when Mrs Arnold + was from under her husband's protection, injured by him in the + tenderest point, and aspersed by a barbarous and invidious world; + all this, I say, must surely clear from all suspicion that admirable + creature: for who, that knows Mrs Arnold, would think that any man + (except her husband) would prefer any woman upon earth to her? If + this does not remove all doubt of her conduct in Arnold, as well as + in the rest of the world, my pains have been to little purpose; and + I know no other human means that can be used to disabuse the mad + credulity of that man. I pity him from my heart in his present + situation; for it will be some time before he will be sensible of + the good I have done him; and, I dare swear, the man is at this time + so ungrateful, that, if he could, he would cut my throat. I do not + want to have him know the extent of his obligation to me: I shall be + satisfied to sit down in the contemplation of my meritorious + actions, without enjoying the fame of them. This greatness of mind I + learnt of Mrs Gerrarde. But to return: + + The having gained my material point put me into such spirits, that I + could have kissed Mrs Gerrarde; a liberty which, I assure you, + however I never presumed to take. She, for her part, seemed as well + pleased with what she had done as I was. I praised her for the part + she had acted, though I very much feared she would repent of it when + we came to explanations, which I resolved should be on that very + day. I told her, I hoped she would oblige me with her company at + dinner. She consented with a bow. I had ordered one to be got ready + earlier than usual, and directed that it should be in her apartment. + We were told it was on table. I never saw Mrs Gerrarde so agreeable + as she was during dinner; she was in high spirits and good-humour: I + almost thought it a pity to let her down that day; but I considered + the longer her expectations were kept up, the greater would be her + disappointment; and, out of pure charity, I determined to put her + out of doubt. + + I had been told Mrs Gerrarde was no enemy to a chearful glass; but + the designs she had formed upon me put her on her guard, and I + observed she drank nothing but wine and water, made very small. + This, I was afraid, would not be sufficient to keep up her courage + under what I intended to say to her. I pretended to be disposed to + drink, and insisted on her helping me out with a flask of burgundy. + With affected coyness she suffered me to fill her glass; the second + offer I made, her resistance was less; the third she made no + objection to at all; and the fourth she filled for herself. The + wine was excellent; not that poor sort which is commonly drunk in + France. In short, we finished our bottle. I thought her now a match + for what I had to say. I had made the glass pass briskly, and had + filled up the intervals with singing catches, and rattling on any + subject that came into my head. + + Mrs Gerrarde, who no doubt expected I should make an advance of some + kind or other, seemed to grow a little out of humour at my levity. I + found the burgundy had been quite thrown away upon her, and had had + very little effect: she was silent for a few minutes, and seemed to + be considering of something: at last she opened, and I will give you + the conversation that passed between us, by way of dialogue. + + _Mrs G_ Mr Faulkland, it is time that you and I should understand + one another's meaning a little better than we do at present: you + know very well that you have put an end to all my expectations in + England: indeed, if I were at liberty, I could not have the face to + return there again in any character but that of your wife. (I was + glad she began first, and that, though I guessed at her views, she + had used so little caution in discovering them, as it at once roused + in me an indignation which I could not suppress, and without which I + could not have brought myself to mortify her as she deserved). + + _Mr F_ My _wife_, madam! (stopping her at that tremendous word) be + pleased to tell me if I heard you right? + + _Mrs G_ Yes, Sir, it was as your wife I said: if you think you and I + are to live together on any other terms, you will find yourself + exceedingly mistaken. (I smiled, and suffered her to go on). I + thought, Sir (stifling the anger that I saw rising), that the words + which you yourself dictated in the letter which I just now wrote, + where you say, _I had in you found a protector, and one by whose + means I should be able to pass the rest of my life in a manner more + suitable to a woman of a generous way of thinking, than that wherein + she considered herself as incroaching on the rights of + another_--Were not these your own words, Sir? + + _Mr F_ They were, Madam. (To say the truth, there was something + equivocal in the paragraph, though, when I desired her to write it, + this construction never entered into my head). + + _Mrs G_ Then, Sir, how am I to understand them? + + _Mr F_ I protest, Madam, you have forced a construction that I never + once so much as dreamed of. + + _Mrs G_ Why, Mr Faulkland (with a very brisk tone), do you fancy + that by changing Mr Arnold for _you_ on any other conditions, that I + am such a mighty gainer by the bargain? + + _Mr F_ Why really, Madam, if that _were_ to be the case, I don't + think you would be a very great loser: you have got as much from + poor Arnold as you could expect: I am able to do better for you; + and, as I am nobody's property, it would certainly, in _that_ + respect, be rather a more eligible course. + + _Mrs G_ Sir, you use me very ill! I did not expect such treatment. + + _Mr F_ How, pray Madam? Did I ever say I would marry you? + + _Mrs G_ No, Sir; but your behaviour has given me room to suppose + that such a thing was in your thoughts. + + _Mr F_ Are you not then the more obliged to me for treating you with + such respect as made you fancy so? + + _Mrs G_ Respect! respect (muttering between her teeth), Mr + Faulkland! (and she stood up) there is not a man in England but + yourself, after what I have declared, that would refuse making me + his wife. + + _Mr F_ What have you declared, Mrs Gerrarde? + + _Mrs G_ Why, have I not ingenuously owned my failings, shewed myself + sorry for them, quitted them, and made all the reparation in my + power? + + (I was amazed to see how audaciously she had adopted as her own, the + sentiments which I had suggested to her: it was so like her, that I + could have laughed in her face). + + _Mr F_ Your behaviour, on this occasion, has really been worthy of + the imitation of all your own sex, and the praise of ours: for a + woman _voluntarily_ to quit an irregular life, and that too from + mere motives of _conscience_--(I was stopped by a knavish sneer, + which I could not subdue. She saw it, and fired immediately; but + strutted about the room to cool herself: at last, for I sat very + silent, looking at her, and playing with one of the glasses)-- + + _Mrs G_ Mr Faulkland, if you are disposed to have done trifling, and + will vouchsafe me a serious answer, pray tell me, Are you absolutely + determined not to marry me? + + _Mr F_ Absolutely. + + _Mrs G_ You are not serious, sure! + + _Mr F_ My dear creature, why sure _thou_ canst not be serious in + asking me the question! + + _Mrs G_ Sir, I _am_ serious, and expect a serious answer. + + _Mr F_ Why then,--seriously, I have no more thoughts of marrying + thee, than I have of marrying the first sultana in the grand + seignior's seraglio. + + _Mrs G_ Very well, Sir; very well; I am answered; (and she walked + quicker about the room than before). + + We were both silent. She, I suppose, expected that I should propose + other terms, and a settlement; and waited, to try if I would speak. + I had a mind to teaze her a little, and hummed a tune. + + _Mrs G_ (Advancing to me, and making a low curt'sey, with a most + scornful and sarcastical air) May I presume to enquire what your + mightiness's pleasure is in regard to me? Do you intend to keep me + for your nurse against your next illness, or to send me to the grand + seignior's seraglio to wait upon the first sultana? + + _Mr F_ Neither (carelessly, and looking another way). I have not yet + determined which way I shall dispose of you. + + _Mrs G_ _Dispose_ of me! _dispose_ of me! why sure the man has lost + his senses! + + _Mr F_ Look you, Mrs Gerrarde; we will no longer play at + cross-purposes: sit down, and be calm for a few minutes, till you + hear what I have to say. + + (She did so, with a kind of impatience in her looks, that informed + me I might have made a very free proposal, without any great danger + of her resentment). + + _Mr F_ How long have you and I been acquainted? + + _Mrs G_ Lord! what is that question to the purpose? + + _Mr F_ 'Tis only in order to my desiring you would look back, and, + upon recollection, ask yourself, if you ever had any reason to look + upon me as your lover. + + _Mrs G_ I made that observation to you when we were travelling + together: what is the use of it now? + + _Mr F_ Did I, in the course of our journey, declare myself to be + such, or drop the least hint of devoting myself to you on any + condition? + + _Mrs G_ We did not talk on the subject at all. + + _Mr F_ Did I ever presume, on the advantage of having you in my + power, to venture on the smallest liberty with you; or ever deviate + from that respect in my behaviour, that I was used, at all other + times, to treat you with? + + _Mrs G_ I do not say you did; and it was that very behaviour that + inclined me to imagine you had other thoughts than those I find you + have. + + _Mr F_ You drew a wrong conclusion, though it is to be confessed + not a very unnatural one. Such a behaviour might have been so + construed by a lady otherwise circumstanced than you were; but I + think a woman of your sagacity might have concluded, that, with Mrs + Gerrarde, a man would first have tried his fortune upon gentler + terms than those of matrimony. + + _Mrs G_ Well, well (peevishly); I do not understand your riddles: to + the point. + + _Mr F_ Why, the point, in short, is this; that, without any + particular designs on your person, my whole view, in carrying you + out of England, was to break off your intercourse with Mr Arnold. + + (She seemed thunder-struck; but recovering herself, And is _this_ + what I am to hear calmly? And she flounced off the chair to the + other end of the room. + + I followed her; and, taking her hand, begged she would sit down + again, and hear me out. I drew her to a chair, and gently set her + down in it). + + _Mr F_ Now, for your own sake, hear me with patience; violence or + perverseness will be of no use to you. + + _Mrs G_ Very well, Sir; I am your prisoner; your _slave_ at present: + say what you please; 'tis _your_ turn _now_. + + _Mr F_ Well then, Madam, as I said before, I really never had any + designs upon you merely on your own account. I allow you to be a + very fine woman, and capable of inspiring love in any man that sees + you; but I must tell you plainly, that _love_ has had no share in my + conduct. (I saw stifled rage in her face; but I proceeded). I have + already told you the real motive of my carrying you off: it was, as + I said, to dissolve the union between you and Mr Arnold, and my + reasons for wishing to do so are these: Mr Arnold is married to one + of the best women living, for whom I have the highest respect and + esteem, and whom I once adored: That lady has, by your influence + over her husband, not only been thrown out from his heart, but even + thrust out from his house. But the calamity stops not there; she is + cruelly aspersed by the world through your suggestions, and I am the + person pointed at for the injurer of Mr Arnold's honour, and the + destroyer of his wife's innocence. You have brought shame and grief + into a worthy family. Lady Bidulph (an excellent woman) has not been + able to overcome the shock of the barbarous treatment her daughter + has met with. Her brother, the beloved friend of my heart, suffers + equal distress; for, though he is conscious of his sister's + innocence, he feels the wounds that her reputation has received; + nor can he possibly redress the mischief, as his sister's injuries + spring from a cause which her delicacy will not permit to be + scrutinized. Her two poor children are left without a mother; she + herself almost without a friend, and sinking every day under the + weight of such complicated misery. As for Mr Arnold himself, I + profess no personal regard for him: I scarce know him; but, for his + family's sake, I would, on any _other_ occasion, risque my life to + save him from ruin; for ruin you have almost brought on him. I am no + stranger to the sums he has lavished on you; his purchasing an + employment for _one_ of your brothers, and redeeming another from a + prison. You have lost nothing by my proceedings but what I shall + make up ten-fold to you, if you behave so as to deserve my kindness. + I have now laid before you the true reasons for my conduct. I hope, + that by breaking the inchantment that tied Mr Arnold's heart, and + blinded his understanding, he may be induced to do justice to his + injured lady and her family. If this comes to pass, as I have strong + reason to hope, I have no doubt of the lady's character being + retrieved. _Groundless_ calumnies generally die of themselves, + unless industriously kept alive by malice. Mrs Arnold's blameless + conduct, the friendship her brother has all along continued to + favour me with, joined to this last apparent proof of my attachment + to you, will, I am certain, in the eyes of the world, acquit her of + all suspicion of guilt. Your letter to Mr Arnold will, as far as + relates to your own opinion of her, give unquestionable evidence of + her innocence. + + Now, Mrs Gerrarde, lay your hand on your heart, and answer me if I + have not given you reasons, which, though they may not be + satisfactory to you, are in themselves of weight sufficient to + justify my conduct. + + I had watched her countenance narrowly during my discourse, which + she had listened to without once looking at me. I saw I had shocked + and even confounded her; but I saw no remorse, no contrition in her + looks. All artifice was now at an end, and she unmasked the fiend + directly. She started off her chair with the looks and gesture of a + fury; and fixing her eyes (which had really something diabolical in + them at that instant) steadily on me, You wretch! she cried, with a + voice answerable to her looks, you are such a false, dissembling, + mean-spirited reptile, that if you had a kingdom to offer me, and + would lay yourself at my feet to beg my acceptance of you, I would + trample on you like dirt! and she stamped on the floor with the air + of an amazon. Do you think you shall carry on this fine-contrived + enterprize? No, if I perish for it, I will have vengeance: Mr Arnold + shall know how I have been deceived and betrayed, and I will at + least have the satisfaction of getting your life, if I lose every + thing besides. + + A burst of malignant tears now gushed from her eyes; but she robbed + them of their efficacy, by mixing with them the bitterest + imprecations against me. She curst even the innocent Mrs Arnold, + you, and the whole family; and her own folly, in being blinded by + the arts of such a worthless milk-sop as myself. + + I let her give vent to her passion, calmly walking about the room + all the time; only now and then casting an eye on her, for fear she + should have rushed on me with a penknife; for I have not the least + doubt, if she had had such an instrument about her, she would have + made an attempt that might have given a very tragical turn to my + adventures. + + When she had done sobbing, I addressed her in a very stern voice; + for I found I had no baby to deal with, and therefore resolved to + frighten her into submission. + + I told you before, Madam, that violence would be of no use to you: + your menaces I laugh at; you are in my power intirely, and + absolutely at my disposal: to think of getting out of my hands would + be vain; for it is as impracticable as flying. No mortal knows where + you are but the people of this house, who are strangers to your name + and circumstances; and if they knew both, they are so totally at my + devotion, that it would not avail you. I shall cut off all + possibility of a correspondence to England. What then must be your + resource? I am prepared against all events; and I would carry you + about locked up in an iron cage, like the Turkish tyrant, till I had + subdued that termagant spirit, sooner than you should have your + liberty to do more mischief. If you have any regard to your own + interest, you will endeavour to make me your friend: I have the + power and the will to serve you; I have done you no injury; I said I + would be your protector; and so I will, if you will suffer me to be + so. I said I would be the means of your passing your days in a state + more eligible to a woman of either spirit, discretion, or a grain of + honour, than you have hitherto done. This I am ready to make good, + if you will not be wanting on your part to your own happiness. You + have acknowleged that you are conscious of your own errors, are + sorry for them, and are willing to quit them (This was turning her + own weapons against herself); if you are in earnest in this + declaration, I will give you the means of quitting them. The money + you have now in your possession, even with the addition of your + little jointure, is not sufficient to promise you such a support as + would make you easy, if you were to return to England to-morrow; and + your story known (as it would be), what could you expect? Do you + think Arnold could be so besotted as to receive you again? What must + be your resource? Why, to continue, while your beauty lasts, in a + wretched, abandoned course. Ten thousand to one you might never + light on another whose love would be prodigal enough to enrich you. + The only choice left you, is to stay where you are not known, and + where, if you behave well, you may gain the respect and esteem which + you could never hope for in a place where your history is known. If + you will content yourself with an easy fortune, joined to a life of + virtue and tranquillity, I will provide you with a husband that many + a woman in your circumstances would bless her stars for: I will + double the portion you have already, and get it settled on you; and + will, on certain conditions, add a handsome yearly income. If you do + not like this proposal, I have no other alternative to offer but a + nunnery. I know you were bred a Roman Catholic: I am sure therefore + I shall do no violence to your religious scruples, if you have any. + I can get you admitted with ease: the religious here will think it a + meritorious act in me, especially on the terms I shall propose; for + I will make it worth their while to receive and treat you as a lady + of the first family in France: but remember there is a final period + to all intercourse with this world. If you think you can bring + yourself to submit to such a life, I would really recommend it to + you; for I am sollicitous for your happiness both here and + hereafter: if not, you have the other choice to make; and so, Madam, + a husband or a convent; take which you like best: I give you three + days to consider of it. + + I kept up a severe countenance, and a resolute tone. I rang the bell + as soon as I had done speaking. Rachael came in before Mrs Gerrarde + could answer me. Take care of your mistress, said I, and left the + room, without even the ceremony of a bow, or deigning to look at + her. I locked the chamber door, which I took care to clap after me; + and, putting the key in my pocket, left the lady and her maid to + consult at their leisure. + + You know, Bidulph, I am not naturally morose; and that I am not very + apt to be wanting in that complaisance which all women expect, and + which I really think due to _almost_ all women: but this one had, in + the preceding scene, so intirely thrown off her sex, that I could + hardly consider her as a female. I had known many of her ill + qualities before; but those she now discovered, if they did not + shew her more wicked, certainly rendered her more disgustful to me + than the others. In short, I found that all decorum was to be laid + aside: I had gone too far not to put the finishing hand to my work; + and I had no other measures to observe, but to finish, by dint of + force, what I had begun by stratagem. When I mentioned the nunnery + to you in a former letter, it was in mere gaiety of heart: I had no + serious thoughts of that kind, nor did I now propose it as a + practicable scheme. I knew the woman too well to suppose she would + acquiesce; though, to confess the truth to you honestly, I think, if + she refuses my other plan of accommodation, I must compel her to + accept of this: nor ought it to be considered in any other light + than that of confining a wild beast, who, having already done a + great deal of mischief, would still do more, if left at liberty: but + I think I shall not be driven to this. I believe she will accept of + a husband with a good settlement, sooner than resign her liberty. + + And now who do you think the husband is whom I have under + contemplation for her? Why, no less a man than my valet de chambre + Monsieur Pivet. He is young and handsome, of good parts, and a man + of birth. He tells me he has an uncle that is a marquis, and three + or four cousins that are in the high court of parliament. Without a + joke, the fellow is of a pretty good family: he was bred a mercer, + and in a frolic had run away from his business, when I picked him up + at Paris, at the time you and I were there together. He then told + me, that he only hired with me for an opportunity of seeing a little + of the world, and that he would one time or other sit down and + settle to his trade. I have sounded him on the point, and find him + very ready to accept of the lady with all her faults. + + I told you I introduced him to Mrs Gerrarde, to serve as her + interpreter in the house, at the time I was ill. I did not then tell + her who he was; and both she and her maid take him for no other than + an acquaintance of mine, who happens to lodge in the same house with + us. The vain rogue has encouraged this opinion, and I suppose passes + for a very pretty fellow with them; for you know Pivet is a Beau, + and is really not ungenteel. But do not fancy that I intend to + impose him on the lady for any other than what he really is. All + disguise is now laid aside, and I shall proceed with the utmost + plainness and sincerity, as soon as I know the lady's mind in regard + to her choice. + + Here, my dear Sir George, I must take breath a little: it has been a + busy day. I undertook a difficult voyage without the certainty of a + landing-place; a few storms I expected to encounter; I hope I have + weathered the worst, and have come at length to some prospect of an + harbour. I expect my next greeting to you will be from a fairer + shore.--Upon second thoughts, I will not send this off, till I can + put both you and myself out of the reach of suspence.... + + Congratulate me, Sir George, honour me, as the first of politicians, + the greatest of negotiators! Let no hero of romance compare himself + to me, for first making difficulties, and then extricating myself + out of them; let no giant pretend to equal me in the management of + captive beauties in inchanted castles; let no necromancer presume to + vie with me in skill for metamorphosing tigresses into doves, and + changing imperious princesses into plain country nymphs. _All_ this + I have brought to pass, without the assistance of enchanted sword or + dwarf, in the compass of a few days; but take the circumstances in + the order they occurred. + + I left the lady, as I told you, to utter her complaints to her + confidante. Rachael, a simple girl, who had just sense enough to + regard her own interest, was not likely to give her mistress much + consolation; for she was at least as much _my_ friend as her's. How + _they_ passed the night I know not; for my own part, I slept in + perfect tranquillity. I desired Pivet in the morning to go and + inquire, as from himself, how the lady rested. Mrs Gerrarde, who was + still in bed, no sooner heard his voice in the outer room, as he was + speaking to her maid, than she called out to Monsieur Pivet, and + desired he would be so good as to step into her chamber. Pivet, not + much abashed at being admitted to a lady's _ruèlle_, obeyed her + summons, and placed himself in an armed chair by her. He said he + hoped it was not owing to illness that he saw her in bed. Yes, Sir, + said she, I am exceedingly ill: I have not slept the whole night, + and am now in a high fever. Has Mr Faulkland told you any thing in + relation to me? I had prepared Pivet, and he had his answers ready. + Madam, said he, I am not a stranger to your situation, and am + exceedingly sorry for it: I wish the little influence _I_ have over + Mr Faulkland could be employed for your service; but he is a + positive man, very enterprising, and not to be controlled by + any-body. Do you know my story, Sir, cried Mrs Gerrarde? He bowed, + and looked down. Mrs Gerrarde understanding this as an affirmative, + and raising herself up a little, cried out, A base, ungenerous man! + Does he intend to expose me wherever he goes? By no means, Madam, + answered Pivet: there is nothing in your story that would do you the + least injury in any-body's opinion here: the ladies in France do + not think it any disgrace to have lovers. + + You are very obliging, Sir, she replied; and perhaps I have as much + to say in my vindication as any woman: but sure never was mortal + used in the barbarous manner I am. Do you know the proposal he had + the insolence to make me last night? Either to take a husband of + _his_ chusing (_any_ low fellow, I suppose, he thinks good enough + for me), or immediately to go into a nunnery. Oh! Sir, and she + catched hold of his hand, as you are a gentleman, if you have + compassion, any humanity towards an unfortunate woman, try to + deliver me out of his hands. I have a pretty good sum of money in my + possession; contrive the means of my escape; my gratitude to you + shall be unbounded! and she wrung his hand. + + Ah! Madam, said Pivet, looking tenderly at her, I would it were in + my power; I should think myself but too happy if it were possible + for me to accomplish what you request; but I fear it will be + impracticable: I declare to you, if I were at my own disposal, I + would fly with you to the remotest part of the world; but I am a + young man, who have my fortune to make: I am under particular ties + here, and have besides such obligations to Mr Faulkland, as makes it + impossible for me, consistently with _honour_, to interfere in this + business. + + Sir, said she eagerly, can't you write a letter for me, or furnish + me with the means of informing my friends in England of my + situation? + + Madam, said he, before Mr Faulkland permitted me the honour of + seeing you, he engaged my solemn promise that I would not + intermeddle in your affairs. + + Lord, what will become of me! What would you, Sir, advise me to do? + For as for that wretch (meaning me), I am determined, if I can help + it, not to suffer him to come near me. + + 'Tis a very nice point, Madam: I really do not well know how to + advise: but, to be sure, a nunnery is a choice not to be recommended + to a lady of your youth and beauty, unless your inclinations lead + you that way; then indeed-- + + She interrupted him. Don't name it to me, Sir; don't name it: I am + determined to keep out of _that_ snare, if it be for nothing but an + opportunity to be revenged on that tyrant: I would marry a beggar + sooner than give up that hope. + + As for that, Madam, said Pivet, I suppose Mr Faulkland would not be + so ungenerous as to compel you to marry one beneath you: there are + many young men of good families who would think themselves honoured + by your acceptance of them: your personal accomplishments alone are + a sufficient recommendation; but Mr Faulkland mentioned to me the + additional advantage of fortune. I dare answer for him he will not + think of bestowing you unworthily. + + I had charged Pivet not to go too far: he thought it time to break + off the conversation; and, rising up, he told Mrs Gerrarde he was + going into my apartment, and desired to know if she would honour him + with any commands. + + Sir, said she, I shall only beg you will tell Mr Faulkland, that I + never _can_ think of his proposal; that I am very ill, and beg to be + left in quiet for a few days; but shall be very glad to see _you_ + whenever you are at leisure. + + He bowed, and left her; then came directly to me, and repeated the + conversation he had with her word for word. I am glad, said I, to + find you are so much in her good graces: it will accelerate my plot; + but we must not make you too cheap: if we manage discreetly, she may + possibly think herself very well to get off with you. + + At present I stand pretty well with her, Sir, said Pivet: she does + not suspect that I am your servant: I fear if she did, as the lady + seems to have a high spirit, she would forbid me her presence. + + I found Pivet had no mind to have this part of his situation + explained: his vanity had been highly tickled at passing upon her + for a gentleman, and _my_ friend.--He had, in obedience to my + orders, spent much of his time with her during the few days that I + had been too ill to see her. I had, at my first introduction of him + to her, cautioned him against letting her know in what capacity he + was with me: I did not then give him my reasons for this, and he + supposed they were no other, than that, finding it necessary to have + him pretty much with her in her confinement, I did not chuse to + alarm her pride by the knowlege of his station. I did not hint at my + design till the day before I had prevailed on her to write the + letter to Mr Arnold. Pivet did not at all disrelish the proposal: he + had not been blind to Mrs Gerrarde's charms: he only seemed + surprized at my being willing to part with her so soon; for he had + not the least conception of my reasons for carrying her off, and + very naturally concluded I was deeply engaged in an amour. It was + not difficult to guess his thoughts on this occasion. + + Pivet, said I, I must premise one thing to you: I assure you there + is not, nor ever was, any intrigue between Mrs Gerrarde and me. I do + not, however, pretend to vouch for her chastity. It was no secret at + V---- hall that she had occasioned an unhappy breach in Mr Arnold's + family; and that, and that _only_ (as I have a most particular value + and affection for that family), was my motive to the carrying this + lady away. As I hope the disunion (now the cause of it is removed) + will no longer subsist, I find it necessary to provide for Mrs + Gerrarde some way or other. A good husband I would wish to bestow on + her. I do not yet know whether I shall be able to bring her into any + measures; but if she should be prevailed on to accept of you, and I + should make it worth your while to accept of her, can you overlook + the levity she has been guilty of, and resolve to use her kindly? + + He promised he would make the best husband in the universe. I bid + him not be too sure of success, as I did not yet know Mrs Gerrarde's + mind, and feared I should find it hard to bring her into terms; + adding, that though I intended to threaten her, I should be very + unwilling to make use of compulsion; but if she should happen to + like him, without suspecting my design, I might accomplish my + purpose with less reluctance on her side, and much more satisfaction + to myself. + + The conversation he had just had with her elated him highly: she had + made him her confidant; she had implored his assistance; she had + promised an _unbounded_ gratitude; she had prohibited _my_ visits, + and invited _his_. All this facilitated my work, and I at one time + thought of letting her e'en work out her fate, and run blindfold + into my trap; for it is plain, if Pivet had given in to it, she + would have marched off with him, and even married him, to get out of + my clutches; and then, you know, she could have blamed nobody but + herself for the consequences. But I resolved not to impose on the + gypsey any farther; but let her know what she was to expect before + the bargain was concluded, and at least give her her option of + having the power of continuing a jilt, or being canonized for a + saint. + + I found things were now likely to take such a turn as I wished; but + it still required management. Pivet, said I, you must let her see + you no more to-day; it will make her prize your company the more: + keep out of the way, that you may not be seen by Rachael; and give + such orders in the house, as that there may be proper attendance for + the lady. One of my footmen spoke a little French, and he had been + directed to receive and communicate Mrs Rachael's orders in the + family. + + Tho' Pivet assured me that he thought Mrs Gerrarde was not so ill as + she said she was, I yet thought it incumbent on me to have the + advice of a physician. The people with whom I lodged said I could + not have a better than the doctor who had attended me, as he was + reckoned very skilful. I told them, in the present case, I believed + honesty was more requisite than skill. They said he was very honest + too; so I desired he might be sent for. + + Mrs Gerrarde, being determined to carry on the farce of sickness, + pretended she was not able to rise; and the doctor was introduced to + her bedside. As he could neither understand his patient, nor make + himself understood by her, I had ordered the footman, whom I + mentioned to you before, as knowing a little French, to wait at the + chamber door; for I was resolved so far to keep up my resentment and + my importance, as not to vouch-safe assisting at the conference; + which, by this means, became the most ridiculous scene you can + imagine. The doctor, having felt Mrs Gerrarde's pulse, proposed his + questions by the footman, who just peeped his nose in at the door. + He explained them (very ill I suppose) to Rachael in English, who + re-repeated them to her lady within her curtains; for she would not + suffer them to be drawn back. Mrs Gerrarde's answers travelled the + same round-about way back to the doctor, who got them mangled in + very bad French from his interpreter. + + Mrs Gerrarde, provoked, I believe, at the doctor's visit, and very + much tired of his questions, asked peevishly where Monsieur Pivet + was? This inquiry I expected; and the fellow who told me of it, had + been ordered to inform her that Monsieur Pivet was not at home. + + The doctor, after leaving his patient, came to me, and confirmed the + character I had received of him, both for skill in his profession, + and integrity in his practice; for he told me very honestly, that he + thought the lady was in perfect health. I thought the doctor + deserved a double fee, and accordingly gave it to him; requesting + him, however, to continue his visits: for I told him, that, though + the lady might really be very well, she was, however, a little + vapourish. + + I left her to her reflections the whole day. Rachael inquired three + or four times of the footman if Mr Pivet was come in, but was always + answered in the negative. I was pleased at her sollicitude about + him. + + I desired him to wait on her the next day, at the time the doctor + paid his visit; and instructed Pivet to ask the doctor, in her + presence, what he thought of her case, and to report his answer + fairly to her; for I was resolved not to let her imagine that she + imposed on me. + + The doctor, by Pivet's means, discoursed with her more readily than + he had done the day before. Pivet asked his opinion of her disorder, + and the physician declared it as freely as he had done to me; + adding, he should not have repeated his visit, if I had not insisted + on it. + + Pivet could not help smiling. Mrs Gerrarde observed it; for, I + suppose, she watched his countenance, and asked him what the doctor + had said. He says, Madam, what gives me a vast deal of pleasure; + which is, that your disorder is intirely imaginary. He is an + ignorant fellow, said Mrs Gerrarde; and you may tell him I desire to + see him no more. The poor doctor, who knew not what she said, made + her half a dozen scrapes, and withdrew. + + She then threw back her curtain; and re-assuming the subject she had + been upon the day before with Pivet, asked him if he had had any + conversation with me about her? and what resolution I had come to? + + Pivet (who had begged I would leave this conference intirely to his + management) seemed to hesitate a little, and appeared melancholy. We + have had some talk about you, Madam, said he; and Mr Faulkland tells + me, if you reject the nunnery scheme (which I think _he_ seems to be + fondest of), that he has a person in his thoughts, who, he believes, + will be a suitable match for you, if you are willing to accept of + him; if not--here he stop'd. What if I should not, Sir? Pray speak. + I hope, Madam, he will not carry matters to an extremity. Extremity, + Sir! Do you think he can be brutal enough to force me into a + nunnery? Are there no laws in France? I _hope_ he will not, Madam; + but I can't pretend to answer for him: he is a strange man: he seems + out of temper too: the doctor told him nothing ailed you; he + believes him, and spoke harshly on the occasion. And what, said she, + is the match that he calls _suitable_? One of his footmen perhaps, + or his barber? + + Pivet affected to look concerned. He tells me, Madam, he has cast + his eyes on a young man, well born, and genteelly educated; not + contemptible in his personal accomplishments, and one who he is sure + will make you a fond and obliging husband. + + Pivet sighed deeply, and cast his eyes languishingly on her. You + seem concerned, Sir, said she. Do you know the person? It is my + doubts on that occasion, Madam, that is the cause of my uneasiness. + Pray explain yourself, Mr Pivet. Madam, I dare not, he replied, with + great solemnity. I will only assure you, that whoever the person be, + whom Mr Faulkland has not yet named to me, I think him the happiest + man in the world. What can be his meaning, asked Mrs Gerrarde, for + telling you _so_ much, and yet concealing the person's name? He + says, he has not proposed it yet to the gentleman, Madam; and as, + he tells me, he can't in honour conceal any part of your story, he + is fearful--I beg your pardon, Madam; you will excuse me if I do not + repeat his scruples on this occasion. I understand you, Sir. He + supposes his friend will reject me. Some such insinuation he threw + out, Madam, said Pivet. I told him, that he need only permit the + gentleman to _see_ you; and if he then made any objection, he must + be the blindest and most insensible man alive. He spoke this with a + warmth that seemed highly pleasing to the lady. She bowed, and + answered, _All_ men, Sir, are not as generous as you. But what did + Mr Faulkland say to this? He only smiled, and said he wished his + friend might think as I did; that he would tell me his name another + time; and that, in the mean time, it would oblige him if my visits + to you were less frequent. Inhuman monster, said she; would he debar + me of the only satisfaction I have? Let me but live to get out of + his hands! if I can escape him by any means, I will find ways to + reckon with him for this. Be so good, Mr Pivet to tell him, that I + am content to take the person he offers, let him be who he will: I + shall expect nothing from him but insults; therefore shall not be + surprized if I see myself sacrificed to some despicable wretch: but + any, _any_ thing is better than to be in the power of such a tyrant! + Madam, answered Pivet, you need not fear the being compelled to + accept of an unworthy object: Mr Faulkland declares, that if you + should absolutely dislike the gentleman, when you see him, he will + be far from constraining you to take him for your husband. The other + choice is still open to you, and, by what I can judge, Mr Faulkland + seems to wish you would give that the preference. I would die first, + cried Mrs Gerrarde--The fool, does he think I can be so entrapped? + No, no; the authority of a husband, even of Faulkland's chusing, + cannot be such a bar to my revenge as the walls of a nunnery would + be.--Sir, I think myself obliged to you, and flatter myself you + would have served me if you could. I may yet have it in my power to + make you a return for your kind intentions towards me. I presume, + when Mr Faulkland has disposed of his property, you will then be + absolved of your promise to him in regard to me, and will still have + charity enough to befriend an unfortunate woman. She wept, and Pivet + owned he was ready to do so too; but constraining himself, protested + she should command his life; and withdrew full of seeming + uneasiness. + + He told me what had passed between him and the lady, and I could not + help approving his management of the scene, though the rogue had + stretched beyond the truth; but stratagems, you know, are allowable + in love, and a lover he was now become in good earnest. + + He had taken care to alarm Mrs Gerrarde's apprehensions at every + passage of access. He had informed her, that I had a husband for her + in my thoughts; and at the same time, that he avoided the most + distant hint of its being himself, he engaged her favour by seeming + to wish it _were_. Then he took care to insinuate, at least, a + possibility of her being refused by the person designed for her, and + this he very naturally supposed would raise his own consequence with + her, in case any suspicion should fall on him, of his being the + intended husband. He pretended I had taken umbrage at his visiting + her, still more to inflame her resentment against me, and increase + her impatience to deliver herself out of my hands; at the same time + he artfully hinted that he was not the man destined to be happy. + This, as he saw already he was not unacceptable to her, he thought + would make him doubly welcome, when she should find herself no worse + off. Then the nunnery was mentioned, in terrorem, with broad hints + of my resolution. In short, Pivet played his part so cunningly, that + it had all the effect he could have wished; and Mrs Gerrarde, + finding her spirit matched, was obliged to surrender at discretion. + + I own I did not expect to have succeeded so soon; and without Pivet, + who had now a feeling in the affair, I certainly should not. I + resolved directly to make the best use of the advantage I had + gained. I told Pivet that he should be married the next day. He was + so transported at the thought, that he begged I would give him leave + to go to Mrs Gerrarde, to declare his love and his good fortune + together; for Sir, said he, you know she promises to accept of + whomsoever you propose, and I hope she will not dispise your choice + so much as she thinks she shall. Softly, softly, good Monsieur + Pivet, your violent hurry will spoil all. I do not mean that you + shall see her till to-morrow. Not till to-morrow! Ah Sir! do, I + beseech you, Sir, allow me; she will think it very cruel. (Poor + Pivet, thought I, thou wilt have enough of her). Simpleton (to him), + this day's suspence will forward your business more than all you + could say to her in seven hours: is it not enough you are sure of + her? We have other things now to mind. What plan of life do you + purpose to pursue? You know I have promised to do handsomely for + you. + + Sir, said he, I always intended to follow the business I was bred + to; and if this piece of extraordinary good fortune had _not_ + happened to me, I did purpose, tho' you have been the best of + masters to me, to have asked your permission to return to my + friends, in order to settle in my trade, as I have some capital of + my own. But to be sure, Sir, I shall be directed in this, as in + every thing else, by your will and pleasure. I approve of your + design intirely, said I; but there are certain conditions that must + be previously settled between you and me. In the first place, tell + me honestly, what is the capital you say you are worth. + + He answered, his father had left him about eight thousand livres, + which were in the hands of a banker in Paris, whom he named to me, + and referred me to him for confirmation of the truth of what he told + me. + + Well, said I, this will go a good way towards setting you up in your + own business. Where do you think of settling? + + He answered, Paris was the best place for his trade. + + On that I put an absolute negative; I said Paris was too much + frequented by my countrymen, to be a proper place for Mrs Gerrarde + to make her appearance in, as she was likely to meet there with more + of her acquaintance than might be convenient: I told him I had no + objection to any other large provincial town. + + He said he was born at Dijon, and should like to go thither, as he + had many friends there. + + Be it so, said I: What I purpose doing for you is this. Mrs Gerrarde + has eight hundred pounds of her own; I will add as much more to it, + for which I will give you my bond, till I can have the money + remitted from England; and this you shall settle on her, that she + may be sure of a support in case of your death, and the interest you + shall allow her for her own separate use, but without her knowing + that you are tied down to it, that you may have it in your power to + oblige her. + + He made no reply, but acquiesced with a low bow. + + I laughed at the simplicity of his countenance. Pivet, said I, + though I have taken care of Mrs Gerrarde's interest, I do not intend + to neglect yours, provided you make no demur to the terms. You + already know my reasons for proceeding as I have done in this + affair. I have great cause to apprehend Mrs Gerrarde's vindictive + spirit, if she should find means, which I know she will endeavour + at, to lay open the real state of this transaction to some people in + England. This might frustrate all that I have been at so much pains + to accomplish; be it your care then to prevent it. I cannot wish you + to use harsh measures with your wife; but if you have address enough + to prevent a correspondence with any one in England, (an elopement, + for both your sakes, I am not willing to suppose; though I think, + for some time at least, you must keep a strict eye over her) if, as + I said, you can prevent a correspondence, I think it will answer my + purpose; and that I may make it your interest to do this, I will + bind myself, by as strong an obligation as the law can make, to pay + you two hundred pounds a year English, so long as you keep your wife + within the bounds prescribed; provided, if, after three years, I + find those terms no longer necessary, they shall, if I then chuse + it, become void. I shall also add something to enable you to fit up + a house and a shop, that you need not be under a necessity of + breaking in upon your capital. + + Pivet's gratitude overflowed at his lips for this (as he called it) + noble provision. He said, he made no doubt of gaining so far upon + Mrs Gerrarde's affections, as to be able effectually to fulfil his + covenant, without using violent methods; but, said he, at all + events, I warrant you shall hear no more of her. + + Preliminaries thus adjusted, I sent for a notary of reputation, to + whom I gave instructions to draw up two separate articles for the + purposes mentioned; the latter was to be a secret between Pivet and + me, as it was by no means proper for Mrs Gerrarde to be let into it. + The other, which regarded her own particular settlement, was + intended for her perusal and approbation. I charged the notary to + use dispatch, and he promised to have both the papers ready by next + morning, as also the bond which I was to give Pivet for the payment + of eight hundred pounds. + + The lawyer brought the papers according to his promise, and they + were signed, sealed, and delivered in due form. That which was to be + the private agreement between Pivet and me, was worded in + consequence of an article which I drew up myself, and made Pivet + sign; wherein I set forth particulars at large. + + Pivet was very impatient to see his beloved, but a little uneasy + lest she should be disgusted with him, when she should come to know + the situation he had been in. I bid him not be discouraged, telling + him I should set off that circumstance of his having been my + gentleman (for so I chose to call him) in the most favourable light. + I presented him with a very elegant suit of cloaths, which I had + never worn, and which fitted him very well, as you know he is nearly + my size. You cannot imagine how handsome the fellow looked when he + was dressed, for he had linnen and every thing else suitable to his + cloaths. + + I then desired him to wait on his goddess; but he, who had been so + eager a little before, was now quite abashed at the thoughts of + making his pretensions known to the lady, and intreated me to + present him to her. I saw he was quite disconcerted at the serious + scene he was going to engage in. + + I pitied him, and told him I would go with him to Mrs Gerrarde; but + that it was proper first to prepare her a little. + + He said he thought so too. + + I immediately sent for Rachael, and speaking to her at the door, + without letting her see Pivet, I bid her tell her mistress that I + purposed making her a visit in half an hour, and should introduce + the gentleman, whom I expected she would, according to her promise, + receive at my hands for her husband; reserving to herself still the + liberty of chusing the other alternative, in case she disliked him. + + Pivet shewed the sollicitude of a lover, after this message was sent + to his mistress; Poor dear lady, said he, how I pity her? What must + she suffer in this interval? But your presence, Monsieur Pivet, said + I, will dispel all her fears, and make her the happiest of women. + + The poor fellow was out of countenance, and I dare say as anxious as + Mrs Gerrarde. + + As I received no answer from her to my message, I construed her + silence as leave to attend her; and accordingly, at the appointed + time, I entered her apartment, leading Pivet by the hand. + + She was sitting at a table, leaning her head on one of her hands; + she cast a look of scorn at me, and immediately withdrew her eyes, + not so much as deigning to glance them at Pivet, little imagining + that it was _he_ who accompanied me, though she knew it was her + intended bridegroom. + + Pivet was not able to speak; he trembled, and, like a true + inamorato, ran to her, clapt one knee to the ground, and ventured, + though with great diffidence, to take one of her hands. + + This action obliged the haughty fair one to vouchsafe him a glance + at her eye. + + Her surprize, spite of her assumed airs of grandeur, was not to be + concealed; it was apparent, she coloured, and though she intended to + have been solemn and lofty, she even _stared_; and I could discover + a little gleam of pleasure dance over her countenance. + + What! Monsieur Pivet? And then she looked at me, as if for an + explanation. + + Yes, madam, said I, Monsieur Pivet _is_ the man. (I was going to say + the _happy_ man, but I did not mean to compliment her; my business + was to make her think I was doing her a favour). It has been your + good fortune to make a conquest of him; and in the hope of your + making him a good wife, as I am sure he will make you a good + husband, I have consented to the match; and I spoke this in the tone + of one, who thinking he has conferred a great obligation on an + undeserving object, expects to be thanked for it. + + The woman, with all her art and assurance to boot, was quite + confounded. I did not give her time to recover herself, but taking + the settlement out of my pocket, and reading it to her, Look there, + madam, and see if I have injured you in the disposal of your person + and your fortune. + + Mrs Gerrarde, always alert when her interest was in the question, + took the paper, and notwithstanding her confusion, read it entirely + over. Pivet's handsome appearance, joined to her former + prepossessions, had made so good an impression on her, that she + began to think the matter worth attending to. When she had read the + paper, she put it into Pivet's hands. Sir, said she, it should + appear by this that you have acted generously; but as I have already + been imposed upon by that gentleman (looking at me) all this may, + for ought I know, be a deceit; but as it is not in my power to make + terms for myself, it is to no purpose for me to make objections, or + to enquire any farther. I am ready to accept your offer, only I + should be glad to know who the man is, that I am to make my husband. + + She spoke this with such an air of disdain, that the poor lover, + shrunk up and diminished in his own eyes, left me to make an answer. + Mrs Gerrarde, said I, I declare to you solemnly that there is no + deception in any thing which you see, nor any foul play meant to + you. This young man, whom I now present to you for your husband, is + well born, and has many genteel relations in this country; he has it + in his power, to my certain knowlege, to make good the settlement he + proposes for you, which I will take care to see properly secured. + That part of it which is your own property, you have now in your + possession, the other half I know is his. He was brought up to a + creditable business, which he intends to follow. I know him to be + good natured, and of an obliging temper. He lived with me some time, + and accompanied me in my travels. I suppose his having been my + gentleman, which station he did not accept through necessity, will + not be a material objection (and I smiled and affected to look very + proud), and I only mention it to convince you that I have no design + of deceiving you, or concealing any part of his character. + + Pivet coloured (for I stole a side glance at him) and looked + sheepish. He began an aukward compliment with a bow, and 'I hope, + madam'--but I relieved him; and speaking to Mrs Gerrarde, You know + all now, madam, that can be known; therefore, if you are disposed to + keep your word, let us put an end to this business to-day. To-day, + Sir! Yes, to-day, madam. What occasion is there for farther delay? + + Pivet now plucked up his courage, and begged, since she had + consented, that she would not defer his happiness. I told her, + between mirth and chiding, that I was in haste to get rid of my + charge, and was therefore determined to make her over to Mr Pivet + that evening; and telling her I would give orders about the + ceremony, left the lovers to make out for themselves a scheme of + conjugal felicity. Pivet pleaded his own cause so effectually, that, + in the evening, I had the satisfaction of bestowing, with my own + hand, that inestimable treasure of virtue and meekness, Mrs + Gerrarde, on my faithful Squire, Monsieur Pivet; to the no small joy + of the latter, and I believe, if the truth were known, to the no + great mortification of the former. Mrs Rachael and myself were the + only witnesses of this illustrious union. + + When the ceremony was over, I approached, according to custom, to + congratulate and salute the bride; but she turned her saucy cheek to + me, and affected the whole night vast dignity of behaviour; yet it + was so foreign to her nature, that it appeared ridiculous; however + it was better than ranting. + + I invited them both to sup with me, and treated Pivet with a + familiar civility that seemed to please him highly, as it did him + credit in the presence of his lady. + + After supper, Pivet entreated me to complete the friendly and + generous offices I had already done him, by undertaking the + settlement of all money matters for him. As he knew I intended to go + to Paris, he begged I would receive for him the sum he had in the + hands of the banker, which, he said, if I would remit to him, it + would enable him to enter upon his business immediately. At the same + time he (with no ill grace) presented me my bond again, assuring me + he relied entirely upon my honour for the execution of my promise to + him, farther requesting that I would put that, together with Mrs + Gerrarde's money, if she approved of it, into such hands as I should + judge most proper for her advantage. + + I was pleased at the openness of his proceedings, and promised to do + every thing for their mutual satisfaction; but insisted on his + keeping the bond, or lodging it in some proper hand, till I could + redeem it, by paying the money, which I should take care should be + speedily done. I told him, I thought the sooner he set out for his + own province the better. He said, he should be ready the next day, + if Mrs Gerrarde (for he did not yet presume to call her by his name) + did not object to it. He appealed to her with his looks. + + She had scarce condescended to open her lips before; but now + answered, You may be sure, Sir, I shall not think it too soon to get + out of a prison. + + He asked her if she chose to take her maid Rachael along with her? + + Certainly, she said; I should not be fond of having a servant about + me, by whom I should not be understood. + + Rachael was now called in, and the thing proposed to her. She seemed + rather inclined to return to England; but I told her, she could not, + in gratitude, desert her lady in a strange country; and that if she + had a mind to make me her friend, which she should find me upon any + future occasion, she would attend her home, and continue with her + till her mistress was willing to part with her. + + The girl upon this consented to stay, and received Mrs Gerrarde's + orders to prepare for their departure the next day. + + In the morning I made Pivet a present for his travelling charges, + and Rachael another; telling her, according to the account I had of + her behaviour, that I would be kind to her. She made me all the + promises that I could desire; assuring me, that it was purely to + oblige me that she staid with Mrs Gerrarde. + + Pivet told me, that he would send the sum which his wife had, in + bills to me, to be appropriated in the manner agreed on: for he + said, that having that morning mentioned to her my generosity, in + relation to the bond, she had owned, that, notwithstanding her + resentment to me, she had no distrust of my honour in _those_ + particulars. + + I took this opportunity of telling Pivet, that when he could get his + wife in the humour, he might prevail on her to give an instrument, + impowering my steward to receive the little income of her jointure + at Ashby, which I would take care should be remitted to him; for, + trifling as it was, it might be serviceable. + + When they were ready to set forward on' their journey, I begged + leave to speak a few words to madam Pivet by herself. She seemed not + inclined to the conference, but her husband very obligingly pressing + her not to part with me in enmity, and at the same time quitting the + room, she was obliged to hear me. + + I then very frankly asked her pardon for the lengths I had gone; + telling her, that I hoped time, and her own good sense, would + convince her that she was more obliged to me, than her passion would + then give her leave to see. Remember, madam, I have kept my word + with you. You are now married to a very deserving young man; you + have a competent support during your life. Happiness is in your + power if you do not wilfully cast it away from you. Shew now that + greatness of mind of which you have so often boasted, by forgiving + the man, who has, as you think, injured you; and resolving at once + on a behaviour that shall, in your turn, intitle you, not only to + the forgiveness, but even to the esteem, of those whom you have + injured. + + I would have preached on, and given her more good advice, but she + cut me short, with this decisive answer. Sir, I neither desire your + counsel nor your good opinion; Mr Pivet _may_ deserve some regard + from me, but _you_ I will never forgive, and she flung from me. + + I called in Pivet, and telling him I was infinitely pleased at the + good disposition I found his lady in, I wished him all happiness and + a safe journey, and they set out directly for Dijon. + + And now, my dear Bidulph, stop, to praise, to admire, to wonder at + my virtue! I, who have had one of the finest women in England in my + possession, for so many days (and by the way was not her aversion) + to yield up her (by me) unpolluted charms to the arms of another! + Add to this, that it has cost me more to make one woman honest, than + it need have done to have made half a dozen--otherwise. I had like + to have writ a strange ugly word, that was just at the nib of my + pen. + + If you relate my story with the laudable partiality of a friend, + judiciously abolishing the context (for which you may have many + precedents), and neatly splicing together the useful fragments, + shall I not appear to posterity as great as Scipio himself? Ah! Sir + George, if we knew the secret springs of many of those actions which + dazzle us, in the histories of the renowned heroes of old, it is not + impossible but the wonderous page might dwindle into as + insignificant a tale as mine is. + + Well, I thank my good genius that has led me safely through such a + labyrinth as I had got into. In getting rid of that woman (and not + disgracefully neither), I feel as if I had shaken off a great load. + But what a graceless baggage it is, not to thank me for my kindness. + I, who have been more than a father to her, in saving her first from + perdition, and then settling her well in the world--but there is no + obliging some tempers. + + I shall leave this place to-morrow, for I must hasten to Paris, to + put every thing on a good footing for the new-married pair; and then + I will go and ramble I do not care whither, for another year. I + shall lodge at Paris, where I did before, and desire you will write + to me directly an account of all that passes within the circle of + your family. Let your sister and my lady Bidulph know in what manner + I have disposed of Mrs Gerrarde, but be sure you do it discreetly, + and take care not to mention that paultry circumstance of her + settlement, or any other private agreement with Pivet. I know Mrs + Arnold's delicacy would be hurt by the knowlege of this; therefore + beware of dropping the least hint of it, at your peril. Tell Lady + Bidulph I will pray devoutly for her daughter's happiness; if what I + have done will promote it, it will not a little contribute to my + own; tho' I begin to feel it is not to be expected in this life, at + least by such a hopeless wanderer as I am. + + I could sit now, and indite melancholy verses, or write an elegy, or + make my will, or do any other splenetic thing: in short, I have a + good mind to turn monk and go into a monastery. I am sure I should + have lady Bidulph's vote for that. + + Adieu, my dear Bidulph, you will not hear from me again, perhaps, + till I am in another region. + + _Nov. 30._ + + + _December 17_ + +What a strange man this is, my Cecilia! The more I reflect on his +conduct, the more I am amazed! What a mixture is there in his nature! +Wild to a romantic degree in his conceptions, yet how steady, how +resolute, how consistent, in putting those flights of fancy into act! +Generous he certainly is; how few men would put themselves to the +trouble and expence that he has done, from such a disinterested, such a +compassionate motive! Nay, on the contrary, I believe most men would be +cruel enough to take a sort of pleasure in the vexation of a man, who +had succeeded to the love of a mistress, once so much valued; and would +enjoy a mean triumph in being, though without reason, the object of +_his_ jealousy, who had cut them off from all hope. + +Mr Faulkland is above this. I think myself highly indebted to him, +whether the scheme he has in so extraordinary a manner undertaken for my +service succeeds or not. Yet do I wish from my heart, that the +separation between Mr Arnold and Mrs Gerrarde had been brought about by +any other means. What if Mr Arnold should ever come at the truth +(though I think that hardly possible), might it not leave him more +estranged from me than he is even now? or if he should, in consequence +of this odd adventure, return to his poor banished wife, repent of his +injurious suspicions of her, and restore her to his confidence and love, +can he, can he ever restore to her that peace she has so long been a +stranger to? Will no latent sparks of former unkindness ever rekindle +and light up the fire of discord? How unwillingly do we repair the +unprovoked injuries which we find we have done to others! Poor Mr +Arnold; if I am so happy as to have my innocence cleared to him, how +miserable will his own reflections make him! but if he _is_ convinced +(which has been my daily and hourly prayers), he _shall_ not be unhappy, +if I can make him otherwise. Oh! my dear, it is the wish, the ardent +longing of my soul, to recover the esteem, though I lose the love, of Mr +Arnold! for I call that Being to witness, who knows the secrets of all +hearts, that since I have been his wife, I have never, even in thought, +swerved from that perfect and inviolable fidelity which I vowed to him. +What then must have been my sufferings, deprived of his love, cast out +from his house, and branded with the dreadful name of an Adultress? For +where is the difference between the intention and the act? To me there +is no distinction, and the husband must be gross that makes one. + +My mother has suffered me to tell her the substance of Mr Faulkland's +letters, though she would not read them. I own I was better satisfied +that she should receive her information thus, because his light manner +of expressing himself in many places would have given her great offence. +Sir George did not consider this when he submitted the letters to my +mother's as well as my perusal. Many grave animadversions did she make +during my recital, and many times lift up her eyes in wonder at Mrs +Gerrarde's behaviour. She often said Mr Faulkland was frantic to +undertake such a thing, and wished he had not taken such a _terrible_ +woman in hand. When I came to that part of the account where Mrs +Gerrarde had been prevailed on to write to Mr Arnold, I begged she would +give me leave to read the copy of the letter to her, as I assured her +there was nothing in it but would give her pleasure. + +She consented; and I read it, leaving out Mr Faulkland's apostrophes. My +mother did not interrupt me; and finding she continued silent when I +came to the conclusion, I looked at her, and saw tears running down her +cheeks. Yes, my dear, my innocent child, said she, passionately throwing +her arms round me, you _were_ wronged; God knows you were wronged; and +He now proclaims your innocence even from the mouth of your most +inveterate enemy. And lifting up her eyes, Thou hast turned the hearts +of sinners to the wisdom of the just; therefore shall the righteous give +Thee thanks. And then, God forgive that woman all her sins for this one +act, and God forgive Mr Faulkland _his_ sins, and reward him for this +goodness. Sure your husband will relent now; sure he will long to take +my poor, forsaken, virtuous child (and her tears gushed as she spoke), +to his bosom again. + +I could not answer her for some time; my own tears almost choaked me: at +last I said, My dear mother, I have no doubt of Mr Arnold's returning +kindness: he will, I hope, be convinced that I am guiltless, and we may +yet be happy. + +She dried her eyes: God send, God send you may! But what has Mr +Faulkland done with his poor penitent? I hope he will behave honourably +to her; for this excellent parent had no doubt but that the letter, +written by Mrs Gerrarde was, in a great measure, the result of her own +contrition; for as I had not been minute in giving her a particular +account of all the previous steps taken by Mr Faulkland to obtain it +from her, she had not the least idea that Mrs Gerrarde had writ in that +manner from any other motive than the good one which appeared obvious to +her. + +I told her, that I feared Mrs Gerrarde was far from being the penitent +she supposed her; and then acquainted her with the true reasons which +had induced her to write in the manner she had done. I then proceeded to +tell her of her behaviour after writing the letter, and how Mr Faulkland +had acted in consequence of that; concluding with informing her of Mrs +Gerrarde's being married, and provided for in a very reputable way. + +My mother was highly delighted at this last circumstance; for, she said, +Mr Faulkland had no right to be the punisher of her crimes; and if he +had not made a decent provision for her, she would never have looked +upon him but as a dishonest person. + +She told me, that though she was very glad, upon the whole, that Mr +Arnold and that bad woman were separated, yet she was nevertheless not +quite so well satisfied with the manner of it; for I think, said she, +that it is impossible but that a man of Mr Arnold's good sense must, one +time or other, have been convinced of his error, and, of his own accord, +returned to a right way of thinking. + +I answered, that might possibly have happened; but that he might have +continued long enough under his infatuation intirely to ruin his family: +and as for what regarded me in particular, I knew of no means so likely +to remove his unjust suspicions effectually, as those which Mr Faulkland +had taken. + +You are right, my dear, said she; let us hope the best. I am glad Mr +Faulkland does not mean to return soon to England: there is but one +event which could ever reconcile me to his doing so; and that is, in +order to do justice to the unfortunate Miss Burchell. If he would wipe +out that blot in his character by marrying her, I should again allow him +to be a good man: at present, I own, I can't help being dissatisfied, +that one, so blameable as I think him, should have laid my daughter +under the obligations which he has done. + +I said it would rejoice me if he could be prevailed on to make Miss +Burchell the reparation she mentioned; but I feared she had no advocate +with Mr Faulkland; though I was of opinion, if he were made acquainted +with the life of sorrow she led, as well as her reserved and modest +behaviour, he would be inclined to favour her; especially if he were to +see the poor little boy. + +My mother said, He never could expect quiet of mind, till he had wiped +the tears from her eyes. + +Miss Burchell came in while we were speaking of her: my mother is always +glad to see her. The poor girl had been exceedingly shocked at Mr +Faulkland's carrying away her aunt. She thought this action put such an +invincible bar between her and her hopes (almost desperate before), that +it went near to distract her; for though there was no consanguinity in +the case, yet the degree of relationship between her and Mrs Gerrarde, +made her look upon this amour (for so she considered it) with the utmost +horror. She had so often expressed her sense of it in so lively a +manner, both to my mother and me, that had Mr Faulkland even been +inclined to offer his hand, she could not, consistently either with +virtue or common decency, have accepted of it. + +My mother, ever delighted with acts of humanity, was in haste to +communicate the true state of the case to Miss Burchell. It was her +interest to keep our secret; therefore I made no scruple of trusting her +with it; especially as I knew it would so much contribute to her peace +of mind. + +My mother accosted her with saying, Miss Burchell, I have something to +tell you, that I believe will give you pleasure. The unhappy young woman +lifted up her melancholy eyes; and, shaking her head, answered, _That_, +I believe, Madam, is now impossible. Your aunt is married, said my +mother, but not to Mr Faulkland; and, what is more, there has never any +thing passed between them that need be a bar to you, if he could be +brought to consider you as he ought. Miss Burchell looked amazed; then +turned her eyes from my mother to me, as if for an explanation. My +mother desired me to acquaint her with the history at large of Mr +Faulkland's proceedings; I did so, and took care not to omit the tender +manner in which he had mentioned her in one of his letters. She dropped +some tears at the recital; and then, turning to my mother, My dear good +Madam, you have snatched me from despair by this discovery: I was +overwhelmed; I think I could not have got the better of my grief: a +faint ray of glimmering hope is once more let in upon me. Mr Faulkland +may _yet_ be mine without a crime; or, if he is not, I shall at least +have the satisfaction to think him not so abandoned as he appeared to me +an hour ago. Oh! worthy and lovely Mrs Arnold! said she, addressing +herself to me, you see how Mr Faulkland reveres you: oh! that you would +but engage in my behalf! _you_ can influence his heart; _you_ can guide +his reason; _you_ are his fate! + +Her fine eyes, which she fixed on me, filled with persuasive eloquence, +let me into the whole of her meaning, and conveyed more to me than it +was in the power of words to do. I understand you, dear Madam, said I; +and it grieves my heart to think that I cannot, must not interest myself +for you in the manner I would most ardently undertake to do, if there +were not such obstacles in my way as it is impossible for me to get +over. Mr Faulkland, you see, is free from the guilt we all feared he had +plunged himself into: he is full of remorse for the injury he did you, +and I dare believe retains in his heart a tender sense of your merit: he +is still free; nay, he has declared his intention of continuing so. +These circumstances give large room for hope: your unobjectionable +conduct, joined to paternal affection, may still bring about that +wished-for, happy event; but this must be left to time, and the workings +of his own heart. You know Mr Faulkland is, in his natural temper, +impatient of restraint; he is but a very young man, and has a few of +those levities which a little more settled age infallibly will correct, +where a good heart and a good understanding are united. Pardon me if I +add, that Mr Faulkland is not ungenerous, however blameable he may have +been in regard to you. All these circumstances considered, I say, may +warrant your indulging a hope, that he will at last be brought to make +you the reparation, which is mine and my mother's wish as much as your +own. Ah! Madam, said she, but Mr Faulkland is a great way from me: the +remembrance of me is already but too much worn out; distance, time, and +a variety of objects, must intirely efface it. _Your_ hand, the powerful +magic of _your_ touch, would soon brighten up the colouring of those +faint, faded traces, that he but scarcely preserves of me in his memory. +What could not your pen, guided by a heart so tender, so sympathizing +with the grief of others, effect on the man who considers you as a +divinity? If he had any hopes of _you_, Madam, it would be presumption +in me to put in my claim; but, as you cannot be my rival, be my +advocate: do, dear angelic lady! (and she lifted up her hands to me +fervently) write to Mr Faulkland, if you can restore him to me, what +prayers will I not pour out for your happiness? + +My mother, who was greatly affected by her discourse, said to me, +Indeed, my dear, if you could effect that, it would be a very +meritorious work. Who knows what the high opinion Mr Faulkland has of +you, and the great deference he pays to your judgment, may produce? + +I was sorry my good mother's openness of heart had made her enter so +suddenly into Miss Burchell's sentiments: it encouraged her to renew her +intreaties; she snatched both my mother's hands, and kissed them; she +wanted words to thank her. + +I was unwilling to appear cold in Miss Burchell's interest, or to refuse +doing what my mother seemed to approve; but the resolution I had long +before made, never to see, or on any account whatsoever to hold the +least correspondence with Mr Faulkland, determined me. If strict +prudence might on so extraordinary an occasion have dispensed with this +promise, which, as I had made it to my own heart, I thought amounted +almost to a vow, I could not however answer it to that decorum, which I +had, as an inviolable law, determined to guide myself by, in so critical +a situation. And I resolved to have it in my power to say, in case Mr +Arnold and I were ever to unite again, that I had not in the smallest +article departed from it. + +I told Miss Burchell there was but one reason which could prevent me +from complying with her request; but it was one of so much weight with +me, that, after my informing her of it, I hoped she would be so good as +not to urge me farther. I did, said I, upon my parting with my husband, +make a firm resolution, not only never to see Mr Faulkland, but never to +receive from, or write a line to him, nor in any manner whatsoever to +keep up the least intercourse with him. + +I did not know but that Mr Faulkland (if he should learn the truth) +considering himself to be (as he really was, though innocently) the +cause of that unfortunate separation, might, either with a design of +consoling me, or of vindicating himself from any suspicion of blame, +have endeavoured to see me or write to me. In this I was mistaken; his +prudence, or his respect for me, prevented him from attempting either. +The resolution I had made, however, I thought due to my husband's +honour, as well as my own. The same cause still subsists; the weight of +it perhaps more in my own imagination than in reality; but if it even be +so, indulge me, dear Madam (to my mother), and dear Miss Burchell, in +this singularity. I have (not improbably) the happy prospect of being +restored to Mr Arnold's esteem; let me then be able to assure him, that +these eyes, these ears, these hands, have been as guiltless as my heart, +and all equally estranged from Mr Faulkland. This is a declaration I +think due to that punctilio, or, give me leave to call it, that +delicacy, I have endeavoured to preserve in all my conduct. Mother! you +always taught me to avoid even the shadow of reproach. + +Very true, my dearest, answered my mother; I believe you are in the +right. Miss Burchell, I think my daughter cannot, conformably to that +discretion by which she has always been governed, undertake your cause +at present: it did not appear to me at first in the light wherein Sidney +has now put it. + +Miss Burchell made no answer, but by her tears; we were both affected, +and I wished sincerely to have had it in my power to serve her. I told +her, if Mr Arnold and I should ever be re-united, that I would endeavour +to draw him so far over to our party, as to obtain his permission to +correspond with Mr Faulkland: that I was sure he would join with me in +wishing her the reparation she hoped for; and that I would make no +scruple of engaging warmly for her in such a case. But then, Madam, said +she, with what face can you interest yourself for me, so long as Mr +Arnold shall think that my aunt has been criminal with Mr Faulkland? +That thought, said I, did not occur to me before, and is indeed a +difficulty; for should Mr Arnold know that the elopement of Mrs Gerrarde +was against her will, and the letter she wrote him extorted from her by +Mr Faulkland, it might perhaps injure me as much in his opinion, as Mrs +Gerrarde's false suggestions had done before. Those intricacies, dear +Miss Burchell, must be left to time, which I hope may unravel them +favourably for us all. The attempt to disclose this affair to Mr Arnold +must not be sudden; indeed I must be well assured of his restored +confidence and affection before I can venture upon it at all. Whenever +that joyful event happens, assure yourself of my best endeavours to +serve you, if I have really any influence over Mr Faulkland, and +circumstances should so happily concur as to put it in my power to make +use of it. + +Be contented, good Miss Burchell, said my mother, with this promise +which my daughter has made you: if Mr Arnold and she should live +together again, Mr Faulkland may probably return to England; as nothing +I believe now keeps him abroad, but to avoid giving Mr Arnold umbrage in +the present unhappy disunion between him and his wife. + + + _December 18_ + +My brother continues sullen; he seldom visits us, and when he does, the +meeting on his part is cold. He has made himself master of many +particulars relating to poor Mr Arnold's unhappy connection with Mrs +Gerrarde; for since her elopement the affair has been more talked of +than it was before, and her whole history traced out. She was the +daughter of an innkeeper in a country town, and ran away with Captain +Gerrarde, in his march through it, upon an acquaintance of but a few +days. The husband, who was passionately fond of her, concealed the +meanness of her birth, and put her off to his relations for a young lady +of a reputable family, with whom he got a good fortune. This induced his +sister, a widow lady, the mother of Miss Burchell, to leave at her death +the care of the unhappy girl to captain Gerrarde. The captain, whose +infirmities increased fast upon him a few years after his marriage, got +leave to retire upon half-pay into the country; and he lived for the +most part at Ashby, a little estate which he had purchased and settled +upon his wife: it seems he had a pretty good personal fortune, which she +had squandered, for his fondness could refuse her nothing, except living +apart from him at London, which he could never consent to, though it was +always her desire; but being debarred of this, she betook herself to +such pleasures as the country afforded, and was always a leading woman +at horse-races, assemblies, and such other amusements, as were within +her reach; which, together with expensive treats at home, and +card-playing (her supreme delight) left her at his death, which happened +about five years after their marriage, in the indigent state she in her +account of herself to Mr Faulkland acknowleges. It was then Mr Arnold +became acquainted with her, and in the manner she represented; for my +brother has lately fallen into the acquaintance of that very _relation_ +(as she calls him) which she mentions, a Mr Pinnick, at whose lodgings +they first met. This gentleman, who was in reality nothing more than an +humble servant of the lady's, though she called him cousin, the better +to skreen a more particular connection, was so provoked at her deserting +him in favour of Mr Arnold, whom he said he was sure she had insnared, +that he made no scruple of telling all he knew of her. He said, she had +two brothers, very great profligates; one of whom had been put into +prison for forgery, and would have been hanged, had not Mr Arnold, at +the expence of a very considerable sum, saved his life. The other, some +very mean retainer to the law, a plausible fellow, and Mrs Gerrarde's +great favourite, for whom she had art and influence enough to prevail on +Mr Arnold to purchase a considerable employment. It would be endless, +said Mr Pinnick, to tell you the variety of stratagems she made use of +to get money out of those whom she had in her power, and who were able +to supply her. I, for my part, was not rich enough for her, which was +the chief reason I suppose of Mr Arnold's supplanting me; and I take it +for granted, that those arts, which she practised on me to little +effect, succeeded better with him. One time her poor father was in gaol, +and his whole family would be undone, and her mother sent a begging, if +he was not relieved from his distress, by a trifling sum; fifty pounds +would do. Another time her sister's husband, a country shopkeeper, was +upon the point of breaking, and would be inevitably ruined if he was not +assisted. And then she had a formal letter to produce from her sister +upon the melancholy occasion. These circumstances she made no scruple of +laying open to me, as she knew I was no stranger to her origin, having +resided for some years in the town where she formerly lived, though I +did not then know her. Her mother was a Roman Catholick; and in order to +have her daughter brought up in the same principles with herself, had +her sent to a relation in Dublin, where she received her education in a +nunnery. Though her artifices to get money from me were grown quite +stale, I make no doubt but she practised them all over again on poor +Arnold. She was not contented with the lodgings _I_ had placed her in, +but obliged him to take a handsome house, elegantly furnished for her: a +very fine chariot and horses were the next purchase; for a hired one the +lady would not vouchsafe to sit in: and I am sure I have seen her in the +boxes at the play, with as many jewels on her as any lady there. + +All these ungrateful particulars, which Sir George had received from Mr +Pinnick, he took a sort of ill natured pleasure in repeating to my +mother and me. Unhappy Mr Arnold, into what a gulph didst thou unwarily +plunge thyself! Is it not amazing that this affair was even so long a +secret? That it was so to _me_ is not strange; for it is natural to +suppose that I must have been the last person to receive a hint of this +nature; but that my brother should never have been informed of it is +surprizing! 'Tis certain Mr Arnold was at first very cautious in his +visits, making them generally at night, and even then he never was +carried in his own chariot. I am shocked to think of the mischiefs which +I fear he has done to his temporal affairs, for his children's sake as +well as his own; but since he is delivered from the thraldom in which +this woman held him, the rest, I hope, by future good management, may be +retrieved. Would to heaven! I had nothing left me to lament, but the +waste of his fortune. Sir George says he is sure he is deeply in debt. +The law-suit too I hear is likely to go against us; if that is to be the +case, it will be a blow indeed! + + + _December 19_ + +How miserable is a state of suspence! I am, if possible, more unhappy +now, than when I was without hope of recovering my dear, and now more +dear, because undone Mr Arnold. Our cause came to a final hearing many +days ago (though I was not told it till this morning), and only prepared +for it yesterday, and it is given against us. Mr Arnold by this stroke +loses 900 pounds a year, besides considerable costs. Nothing now remains +but my jointure. Into what an abyss of misery is my unfortunate husband +plunged! Oh! that I could but see him! that I could but regain his +confidence, that I might sooth and comfort him in his afflictions! + +My brother is very unkind; after telling me the fatal news, he said, he +thought I should be much to blame if I returned to Mr Arnold, though he +were even desirous of it. What prospect can you have with him but +beggary? said he; for I suppose his next step will be to wheedle you out +of your jointure, the only support you have now left for yourself and +your children. + +Oh! brother, brother, said I, you have no heart! I could say no more, +for I burst into tears. + +Perhaps you may not be put to the trial, answered he cruelly; but if you +should, you are to take your own way Mrs Arnold, for my advice had never +any weight with you or my mother. + +My mother replied, Sir George, you do not use either me or your sister +well. Let her, in the name of God, follow the dictates of her duty. If +the unfortunate Mr Arnold sees his error, can you be so unchristian as +to endeavour at steeling his wife's heart against him? O son! this is +not the way to obtain forgiveness of God for your own faults! Far be it +from Sidney to reject the proffered love of a repenting husband. My dear +(to me) don't afflict yourself; if your husband has grace, you shall +both be as happy together as _I_ can make you. Misfortunes, said, Sir +George, are mighty great promoters of _grace_; I don't doubt but Mr +Arnold will repent most heartily--the having lavished away his fortune; +and the hopes of repairing it, may give him the _grace_ to take his wife +again. + +Sir George, said my mother angrily, you will oblige me if you say no +more on the subject. + +I have done, Madam, said my brother, and took his leave. + +I had almost forgot to tell you by what means the widow Arnold carried +her suit against us. You may remember I informed you she had at the +beginning threatened to produce a witness, who could prove, that her +late husband had been with her on a particular night, a very little time +before his death. Who this witness was, had been kept an impenetrable +secret. She did, however, produce him, when the cause came to be tried; +and this witness proved to be Mrs Gerrarde's brother. That very brother +whom Mr Arnold had redeemed from a gaol and peril of hanging. This man +it seems had been very intimate with her during her husband's life-time, +while she was in a state of separation from him: but whether he was at +all acquainted with the late Mr Arnold, we have no other testimony than +his own. 'Tis however most certain, that she was suspected of an +intrigue with him, and in all human probability that child, which is to +inherit the Arnold estate, is his. + +This concealed villain undoubtedly was the person who first suggested +this vile attempt to her, and secretly abetted her in all her +proceedings. It was after the commencement of the law suit that he was +put into gaol, and Mr Arnold little imagined, when under Mrs Gerrarde's +influence he obtained his liberty, that he was bestowing on this wicked +wretch power to ruin him. + +I do not imagine Mrs Gerrarde was in this secret. I suppose she would +not knowingly have contributed to beggar the man by whom she was +supported in affluence. But be that as it will, the evidence of this +fellow, who was bred an attorney, together with that of Mrs Arnold's +maid, established the proof on which the issue of the whole affair +turned. + +Unfortunately for us, we could find nobody capable of giving any +testimony which could overthrow theirs: and the irregularity of the late +Mr Arnold's life gave these evidences an appearance at least of truth. +God forgive those people the foul play they made use of! I would not +possess a king's revenue on the terms they now enjoy the Arnold estate. +'Tis whispered, that the widow is supposed to be privately married to +this attorney; she owes him a recompence; for I fear he has risqued a +great deal to serve her. The wretch had the affrontery to acknowlege his +obligation to Mr Arnold; and at the same time declared, that nothing but +the justice which he owed the widow, and the orphan of his late friend, +could have extorted a testimony from him to his prejudice. + +I need not tell you in what light my poor Mr Arnold looks upon this +affair. He said to a gentleman, from whom Sir George had the account, +that he was justly punished for having furnished such a villain with the +means of undoing him, and execrates the memory of Mrs Gerrarde, who +prevailed on him to do it; for he scarce knew the fellow at that time, +having only seen him once or twice at her lodgings. But let me drop the +mention of such wretches at once. My heart is full of impatience to hear +something from Mr Arnold. Mrs Gerrarde's letter I fear has had no effect +on him; he must have received it long since. What can this dreadful +silence mean? My mother now expects the advances towards a +reconciliation should be on _his_ side. I would I were rid of my +suspence. + + + _December 20_ + +Lord and Lady V---- arrived in town last night. They sent a compliment +to me as soon as they alighted at their house, which was not till nine +o'clock; and this morning at the same hour I was agreeably surprized by +a visit from my lord: surprized I say, for he is seldom out of bed so +soon. I had him up to my dressing-room; my mother had never seen him, +and as she was undressed did not chuse to appear. Well, my good lady, +said he, after saluting me, have you heard any-thing from Mr Arnold +lately? I told him I had not. I don't know whether you are apprized, +said he, that I am in all your secrets: Mr Faulkland and I correspond, +and I know how all matters stand. You are not made acquainted, perhaps, +that I was aiding and abetting to a certain scheme. I told him that Mr +Faulkland had writ my brother the whole account, and that I was sure of +his kind participation in every thing that related to me. That you may +depend on, said he; the thing cannot be named that I would not do to +serve you. I understand from Mr Faulkland, that Mrs Gerrarde has writ to +Mr Arnold: have you heard of no effects produced by that letter? I told +him, I had never heard a word from Mr Arnold since he had received it. I +hope it will not be long before you will, answered he: I called on you +this morning on purpose to prepare you; for I suspect Arnold wants to be +reconciled: he wrote to me ten days ago, conjuring me in the strongest +terms to come to town, and to prevail on lady V---- to accompany me: he +said he had something of the utmost consequence to consult us upon, in +which our friendship might be of most material advice to him: he +concluded with telling me, that the whole happiness of his life depended +on our complying with his request. Now as this was immediately on his +receiving Mrs Gerrarde's letter, for I had regular intelligence of the +whole proceeding, I flatter myself that it was in consequence of that +letter he made this request, with a design, as I hope, of getting us to +mediate between you. As I could not just then attend his summons, having +business at V---- hall to detain me, I wrote him word, that I should +certainly be in town as on this day; and that lady V---- would be sure +to accompany me. I have not heard from him since till last night, when I +sent a message to his house to desire his company to breakfast with me +this morning; I expect him at ten o'clock. Now I had a mind to inform +you of this opening, which to me seems to promise very favourably for +you. I shall not mention my having seen you, so that I can say nothing +from you to him. I asked him, was my lady acquainted with the affair as +it really stood? He said she was; for that she had been so exasperated +against Mr Faulkland on his first going off with Mrs Gerrarde, whom she +thought he had run away with upon a very different design, that he was +very glad to undeceive her, and that she would presently have done the +same by me, after the letter she had wrote me about that affair, but +that he prevented her, thinking Mr Faulkland would be better pleased to +unravel the mystery himself. He added, that she was too much my friend, +not to enter warmly into my interests, and had been extremely impatient +to come to town. I thanked my lord for his and his lady's friendship. He +then asked me how our law-suit went on? I answered, it had been +determined some days ago, and we had lost our cause. He turned pale at +the news. Good God! what an unfortunate man your husband is, said he! +What will become of him? + +He put an end to his visit immediately, telling me, that either he or +his lady would call on me in the afternoon, to let me know the result of +their conference with Mr Arnold. + +I flew to my mother, to tell her the joyful news. She offered up a +prayer that it might turn out as my lord V---- had suggested; and said, +she herself was of the same opinion. + +With a heart elated with pleasure, my dear Cecilia, I have scribbled +over the occurrences of this morning. God grant I may be able to close +my journal of to-day with the happy wished-for event! + +I never counted the clock with such impatience as I did this day, +waiting the promised visit of lord or lady V----, and I ordered myself +to be denied to all company but them. At one o'clock good lady V---- +came, without my lord. When I heard the rap at the door, and saw from +the window it was her equipage, I was seized with such a trembling, that +when lady V----, who hurried up stairs, entered the room, I was unable +to speak, or salute her. She ran up to me, and taking me by the hand, +affectionately embraced me. My mother was present; I made a shift to +present her to lady V----. She then led me to a chair, and sat down by +me. Come, my dear Mrs Arnold, said she, recover your spirits; all will +be well. I began to apologize for giving her ladyship the trouble of +coming to me, when it was my duty to have waited on her. Do not mention +ceremony, said she, I was in too much haste to bring you good news, to +think of forms. We have had Mr Arnold with us till within this half +hour, and indeed he more deserves your pity now than your resentment. + +Oh! I feared it, said I, and tears started into my eyes. If you are so +affected at the barely knowing this, said my lady, I must not tell you +the particulars of our conversation; it will be enough for you to know, +that your husband is convinced of the injuries he has done you, and +desires nothing more than your forgiveness. + +Dear lady V----, said I, excuse me; my heart is really so softened by +sorrow, that I cannot command my tears. But I beg that may not deter you +from indulging me with the particulars of what passed between you and Mr +Arnold. If I do weep, as my tears no longer proceed from grief, do not +let them interrupt you. + +My mother joined in begging lady V---- to inform us of all that passed +in that morning's interview. + +Lady V---- obligingly complied, and gave the following account of it. + +Mr Arnold came exactly at ten o'clock; my lord was just returned from +his visit to you, and had got in but a few minutes before him. Poor Mr +Arnold looked abashed upon seeing me; his countenance and his voice +discovered the humiliation of his mind. After the first compliments were +over, we sat down to breakfast; your husband drank a dish of coffee, but +eat nothing. We were in haste, that the servants should leave +the room, and dismissed them as soon as we could. My lord then opened +the conversation, by saying, 'Well, Arnold, here are lady V---- and I +come to attend your summons; now tell us what service you have to employ +us in, for I assure you, we are both ready to do you any act of +friendship in our power.' + +My lord, I thank you, said Mr Arnold; the friendship you honour me with, +I flattered myself, some time ago, might have been serviceable to me; I +must not now think of making use of it. When I requested the favour of +lady V----'s presence and your's in town, I meant to intreat your +interposition between me and Mrs Arnold. I know I have wronged her so, +that were she any other than the woman she is, I could never hope for +forgiveness; but from _her_ I did hope it, and thought your good offices +might bring about a reunion. But that is all over, I neither desire nor +wish it now. + +I am sorry for that, Mr Arnold, said I; I am sure nothing in this world +besides can ever make either your lady or you happy. + +Do you know, madam, said he, (and the poor man really looked wildly) +that you see an absolute beggar before you? A man without a foot of +land, overwhelmed with debts, and who shortly will not have a house to +shelter himself in. _I_ deserve it all, but Mrs Arnold does not. Do you +think, that after all the wrongs I have done her, I will involve her in +poverty too? No, lady V----, no. I am not such an abandoned wretch. All +I desire now of your ladyship is, to tell my wife that I beg her +forgiveness, and request she will take care of our two children; though +the scanty pittance that her mother's scrupulous nicety retained for her +will hardly enable her to do it; but while lady Bidulph lives, I believe +she will not see them want. + +He uttered all this with so much eagerness, that we never once attempted +to interrupt him. + +As I did not know then of the loss of your cause, I was surprized to +hear him speak of his circumstances being so desperate, and really +feared his head was turned. But my lord soon explained the matter, by +saying, he had heard that morning of the Issue of his law-suit, yet +still hoped, that matters were not so bad as he represented them to be. +He then told Mr Arnold, he was extremely glad to find that his wife had +recovered his good opinion; adding, that _he_ always had the highest +one of your virtue. It amazes me, Mr Arnold, said I, that you ever could +entertain a doubt of it. So it does _me_ now, madam, said Mr Arnold; but +I have been for this year past in a dream, a horrid delirium, from which +that vile sorceress, who brought it on me, has but just now rouzed me. + +I wanted to draw Mr Arnold to this point. Have you heard any thing of +her since she left you, Sir, said I? + +He drew a letter out of his pocket, and without answering me, put it +into my hands, and desired me to read it; then rose off his chair, and +walked about the room. + +My lord and I read Mrs Gerrarde's letter together; we were both curious +to see it, Mr Faulkland having mentioned it in his correspondence. Mr +Arnold, said I, returning it to him, _without_ any such proof as this, I +believe nobody that knows your lady would think her guilty; nor could I +ever entertain so bad an opinion of Mr Faulkland: I have known him from +his boyish days, and never had reason to believe him capable of a +dishonourable action. + +I believe him innocent, as to _this_, answered Mr Arnold, but you cannot +conceive the pains that were taken by that vile woman to make me think +otherwise; neither would her retracting all she said now work so much on +me, as other corroborating circumstances: her running away with the very +man, of whom she raised my jealousy, after having plundered me of almost +every thing I had to bestow, does not look like a sudden resolution: the +scheme must have been concerted for some time, and Faulkland, I suppose, +was _her_ paramour, at the very time she so basely slandered Mrs Arnold; +for I am not so blind, even to the personal charms of my wife, as to +imagine the greatest inconstant would grow tired of her in so short a +time. + +Why, I must own, said my lord, that is a natural inference, which, +joined to the perfidy and falshood of Mrs Gerrarde, puts it out of +dispute, that she traduced Mr Faulkland and your wife, merely to gain +her own wicked ends; one part of which I am inclined to think she +confesses in her letter; that is to say, to have you intirely in her own +hands, though not for the reason she there gives. Her other motive, I +think, now plainly appears by the consequence: she thought, if you were +jealous of your wife, you would hardly suspect _her_ with the same +person, whose visits, to my knowlege, were pretty frequent at her house. +Then, said I, (throwing my weight into the scale) the unobjectionable +character of Mrs Arnold, her pious education, her modest and +affectionate behaviour to you for so long a time, and the recluse life +that she had led with her mother since you parted, makes the thought of +any ill in her quite incredible. + +Lady V----, said your husband, impatiently, I am as conscious of it all +as you can possibly wish me. I know I am a blind infatuated monster: +What can you say more? Faulkland, I thank you for ridding me of such a +pest; Oh! that you had taken her before I was so curst as to see her +face! If you had, I should not now be the undone wretch I am! My lord, +my lady, will you do me the favour to tell my wife and lady Bidulph, how +contrite I am (and he laid his hand on his breast): while I had any +thing to offer her besides repentance, I could have thrown myself at her +feet for pardon, and conjured her to have returned to my bosom, and to +her own deserted house, from whence my madness drove her; but I have now +no house to bring her to, and do not desire even to see her face. + +His manner was so vehement, that I really feared the agitations of his +mind might disorder his brain. My lord told him he was too desponding, +and said, he hoped all might be yet retrieved. He then enquired into the +particular situation of his affairs, which are, I am grieved to say it, +very bad indeed. We were told, when we were in Kent, that a part of +South-Park was mortgaged, but did not believe it, as we knew it was +settled on you. Upon being asked, Mr Arnold himself acknowleged it, +confessing at the same time, that he had been prevailed on to do this, +in order to deliver Mrs Gerrarde's brother out of gaol, and that it was +the other villainous brother who had transacted the affair for him. I +find, besides this mortgage, that, with the costs of his suit, he owes +near seven thousand pounds; to answer which, he says, he is not worth +six-pence, his plate and the furniture of his houses in town and country +excepted. + +Though I had shed many tears, whilst Lady V---- was describing Mr +Arnold's behaviour at the beginning of her discourse, I heard this +latter part of her account with a composed attention. + +Lady V---- took me by the hand: I am sorry, dear Mrs Arnold, said she, +that I am obliged to repeat such uncomfortable tidings to you, but you +must know all, soon or late, and it as well now as hereafter. I am sure +your patient temper and good sense will enable you to bear up against +misfortunes. + +My lord then proceeded to ask Mr Arnold, if his friends could make his +circumstances a little easier, and Mrs Arnold would consent to live with +him again, had he any objection to it? + +My lord, answered your husband, from the moment I heard of Mrs +Gerrarde's elopement, I flattered myself with the hopes of being +restored to my senses, and my peace, by a reunion with my wife; for I +own to you, her innocence from that very time became evident to me, and +it was mere shame that prevented me from making my application to lady +Bidulph, for the purpose of a reconciliation. The receipt of Mrs +Gerrarde's letter--(whether the wretch has _really_ felt compunction or +whether her cruelty to me, in order to make me more unhappy, has drawn +it from her I know not) the receipt of that letter, I say, wherein Mrs +Arnold's innocence is so entirely cleared, convinced me, I ought not to +delay making my wife all the reparation in my power. Though I was +shocked to think how much I had foolishly squandered away, I was still +in possession of an estate of nine hundred pounds a year; for though it +was then in litigation, my lawyers amused me to the last, with a belief +that I should carry my suit; and notwithstanding that the payment of my +debts would lessen it, I knew, with one of her contented and gentle +spirit, it would be sufficient to make us happy, and her jointure (which +I hoped soon to clear) added to it, would enable us to sit down in the +country in tolerable affluence, and I had come to a resolution to make +it the study of my life to render Mrs Arnold happy. I know she is an +admirable oeconomist; I resolved to imitate her, and hoped in time to +retrieve our circumstances. These were my sentiments, my lord, when I +wrote to you, to beg that you and my lady would come to town. I own I +had not courage enough to make any efforts towards the so much +wished-for reunion, without the interposition of friends, whose good +hearts I knew would rejoice, could their endeavours bring it about, and +whose influence over Mrs Arnold I was certain would make the +accomplishment easy. Do me the justice, my lord, to believe, that if I +had not thought it in my power, to have made Mrs Arnold amends for the +injuries I have done her, this hand should have been sooner employed to +send a bullet thro' my head, than to have endeavoured to procure your +mediation in this affair. + +But as things have turned out, I would not for this earthly globe +involve her in my ruin; nor shall her family have it to say, I sought +their friendship when I was abandoned of every other hope. + +As to that point, answered my lord, I can bear you witness, that your +first overture to me, in order to bring about a reconciliation, arrived +before there was any likelihood of your standing in need of assistance, +either from your wife's friends or your own; for I believe they all, as +well as yourself, were pretty sure of your carrying your suit, which, +if you had done, your affairs might, with a little care, have soon been, +in a great measure, retrieved. Therefore, if they should attempt to make +the ungenerous charge you apprehend, I can confute it, and will to all +the world; and for the rest, we must manage as well as we can. + +My lord then proposed some methods to make his affairs a little more +easy; as I am sure his friendship for Mr Arnold and you will make him +endeavour to settle them to the best of his power. + +My lady V----'s politeness and generosity would not suffer her to +mention the particulars of the methods proposed; but I have reason to +believe, my good lord V----, will interest himself rather farther than I +wish. + +When my lord and Mr Arnold, she proceeded, had talked over these matters +for some time, in which my lord had much ado to get the better of Mr +Arnold's obstinacy, he told him, that I should undertake to explain his +situation to you and lady Bidulph. That he made no doubt of your +tenderness in forgetting all that was past, and being willing to embrace +his fortunes, let them be what they would; for, said he, I am sure Mrs +Arnold will think herself happier with you, on three hundred pounds a +year, than she would with twice so many thousands without you. + +Oh! madam, said I, interrupting her, my lord has read my very heart. + +My lady smiled and went on. Lady Bidulph, said my lord, is so good a +woman, that as she must look on you in the light of a repenting sinner, +you may be assured of her pardon and favour. That he may rest satisfied +of, answered my mother. My income is not considerable, and I have never +been able to lay any thing by; but if Mr Arnold can be extricated from +his present difficulties, so as to be able to retire quietly into the +country, I will share that little with him. + +My lady V----'s eyes moistened, mine were quite suffused. I assure you, +said lady V----, it was not without abundance of arguments used by my +lord, and downright quarrelling on my side, that Mr Arnold could be +prevailed on to consent that any other application should be made on his +part, than that of acquainting you with his penitence, and communicating +his resolution, together with his motives for it, of never seeing you +more. + +He says, Sir George Bidulph never was his friend; and, as he supposes +him more now his enemy than ever, he would be sorry to be under any +obligations to him. + +My mother, who never conceals her thoughts, answered directly, of that I +believe he need not be apprehensive; Sir George is not very liberal; he +would have persuaded his sister against returning to her husband, and I +am sure will not be willing to contribute towards making their reunion +happy. Besides, as he is now going to be married, he troubles himself +with little else than his intended bride. + +Lady V---- seemed shocked; I was sorry my mother had spoken so freely of +Sir George, to one who was an entire stranger both to him and her; but +she is so good, that even her errors proceed from virtue. + +Well, said lady V----, we have now seen the worst side of the prospect; +let us turn our eyes towards the pleasanter view. What do you mean to +do, Mrs Arnold? + +Mean, madam, said I! To go directly to my husband. + +Well, well, replied she, smiling, _that_ I suppose; but how do you +purpose to settle your little household matters? + +I think, said my mother, the best thing you can do, is, to go directly +down to my house in Wiltshire. You know _that_, and the furniture are +mine, during my life; they go to your brother afterwards. Send for your +two children and honest Martha; dispose of your house in town, and all +your effects here, as well as at South-park and in Essex--let the +produce be applied to the payments of debts, as far as it will go. You +will then have your jointure to receive, to which I will add two hundred +pounds a year, which will enable you, by degrees, to pay off the rest of +your debts, and I do not see why you may not live comfortably besides. + +Extremely well, said my lady, with Mrs Arnold's good management; +especially as they will not have the expence of house-rent. I am sure my +lord will willingly undertake to manage Mr Arnold's affairs in town for +him, and I would have you both get into the country as fast as you can. + +I am entirely of your opinion, lady V----, said my mother. What do you +think, child? Dear madam, I think that I am the happiest woman +breathing. Such a parent as you, such a friend as lady V----, and such a +husband, as I promise myself Mr Arnold will prove--How can I be +otherwise than happy? I am ready to do, to do joyfully, whatever you +direct. Dear lady V----, ought not I to see poor Mr Arnold immediately? + +Why, said lady V----, I would not have you surprize him; he is to dine +with us to-day, and I will prepare him to receive you in the afternoon +at my house, if you chose it. + +By all means, my good lady V----, I will come to your house at five +o'clock. Well, said she, bring a few spirits with you, and do not let +the interview soften you too much. + +Lady V---- then took her leave, as she said she should hardly have time +to dress before dinner. My mother and I spent the interval between that +time and evening, in talking of our future scheme of life. Remember, my +dear, said she, that when I die, you lose the best part of your income, +as my house, together with my jointure, revert to Sir George; and you +have no great reason to expect that he will continue either to you; it +therefore behoves you to use oeconomy, as well for the sake of +_saving_ a little, as to accustom yourselves to _live_ upon a little. I +would myself accompany you down to the country, but as my son's marriage +is so near, he would have reason to take it amiss of me; and I know I +shall have his imperious temper to battle with, on our making up matters +between you and your husband; but I shall make myself easy, by +reflecting that we have both acted agreeably to our duty. + +You never, my Cecilia, experienced such a situation as mine, and +therefore can have no idea of what I felt, in expectation of seeing the +person, whose presence I most ardently wished for, and yet was afraid of +the interview. My fears were not on my account: conscious as I was of my +innocence, I had no apprehensions on that head; but I could not bear the +thoughts of beholding poor Mr Arnold, in the state of humiliation in +which I supposed I should find him. I wished the first encounter of our +eyes over; and as the appointed hour approached, my anxiety increased: I +was faint, and seized with universal tremors. My mother did all she +could to encourage me, and a little before five o'clock, I was put into +a chair, and carried to Lord V----'s house. + +My lady met me on the stairs; I could scarce breathe. She carried me +into her dressing-room, and made me sit down till I recovered a little; +she was affected herself, but endeavoured to raise my spirits. I wish, +said she, smiling, you had been in my lord's hands, he would have +prepared you better than Lady Bidulph has for this meeting; he has been +trying to make Mr Arnold drunk, in order to give him courage, he says, +to face you. Poor man, he could scarcely credit me when I told him you +were to come this evening. She proposed my taking a few drops, which I +agreed to; and bidding me pluck up my spirits, said she would send Mr +Arnold to me. + +I catched lady V---- by the hand, and begged she would desire him, from +me, not to mention any thing that was past, but let our meeting be, as +if the separation had only been occasioned by a long journey. + +She left me, and Mr Arnold in a few minutes entered the room. He +approached me speechless; my arms were extended to receive him; he fell +into them; we neither of us spoke; there was no language but tears, +which we both shed plentifully. Mr Arnold sobbed as I pressed him to my +bosom. My dearest Sidney, said he, can it be! Is it possible that you +love me still? + +If lady V---- delivered my message to you, my dear Mr Arnold, sure you +would not speak thus to me. + +I understand you, said he; Oh! my dear: I never wished for wealth or +length of days, till now--but what I can I will. + +Forbear, my love, said I; remember my request. I wanted to give his +thoughts another turn. My mother longs to see you: When will you visit +her? + +I will throw myself at her feet, said he; I want a blessing from her, +and she has sent me one, throwing his arms again round me. + +How much are we obliged to good lord and lady V----, said I. + +Oh! they have opened to me the path to Heaven, he answered--if it had +not been for them--I think we had better go to them, said I, they will +partake in our happiness. + +He took me by the hand without answering, and led me into the +drawing-room. + +I have, my sister, endeavoured to recollect our disjointed conversation, +in order to give it to you as well as I could. All that I can remember I +have set down, though I am sure a good deal more passed. + +Lord V----'s eyes sparkled when he saw us enter together; but my lady +and he, I suppose, had agreed before hand to say nothing that could +recall any past griefs, for they only smiled at our entrance; and my +lord said, Arnold, you really hand your lady in with as gallant an air, +as if you were married within these three hours. And so I have been, my +lord, answered Mr Arnold. My lady presently called for tea, and we +chatted as if nothing had happened. The servants waiting in the room +made this necessary; though I could observe the two footmen, who had +lived a good while with Lord V----, looked with no small astonishment at +Mr Arnold and me. + +When the servants were withdrawn, my lady introduced the subject of our +going out of town. She had before acquainted him with my mother's +proposal, and I repeated what she had said to me on that head, after +lady V---- had left us. My lord renewed the kind offers of his +friendship, and said, as we meant so shortly to part with our house in +St James's-street, that he thought it would be better for us not to go +into it at all, but make use of his house while we staid in town; as +perhaps Mr Arnold might not like to be at lady Bidulph's, on account of +Sir George coming there. + +I readily assented to this proposal; and Mr Arnold said it would be most +agreeable to him. I told him, however, I should be glad of my mother's +approbation; and asked Mr Arnold if he did not think it would be right +of us both to wait on her together, to let her know of my lord's kind +invitation. My lady V---- said, by all means, and the sooner the better: +if you please, I will order you the chariot; I would have you see lady +Bidulph directly. Mr Arnold said, it was what he purposed doing that +very night. + +The chariot was presently at the door: lady V---- said, I have an +apartment ready, and shall, with lady Bidulph's permission, expect you +back to-night. We promised to return, and drove to my mother's. + +I left Mr Arnold in the parlour, whilst I ran up stairs to inform her of +his being come to wait on her. + +Unluckily, as well as unexpectedly, I found my brother with her. I +judged by his voice, as I came up stairs, that he was talking warmly to +my mother; he stopped, however, when I came into the room. He was +standing, and had his hat under his arm. I concluded he was going, and +was not sorry for it; he cast a cold look at me, and, with an ironical +smile, I wish you joy _Mrs Arnold_, and he pronounced my name with an +emphasis. Tho' I was stung at his manner, I would not let him see it. +Thank you brother, said I, God be praised I _have_ cause to rejoice. Oh! +no doubt on't, said he, so have we all, that your husband has been +graciously pleased, after beggaring you and your children, turning you +out of doors, and branding you with infamy, to receive you at last into +his favour. + +Sir George, said I, you shock me exceedingly: where is the need of those +cruel repetitions? Indeed you are very unkind; and I could not refrain +from tears. + +The more blameable Mr Arnold's conduct has been, said my mother, the +more cause have we to rejoice in his amendment. We must make allowances +for human failings. + +Ay, madam, I wish you had thought of that in Mr _Faulkland_'s case, +cried my brother. + +My mother seemed disconcerted at the rebuke. Sir George looked and +smiled, with an air of ill-natured triumph. As my mother was not quick +in answering, I replied, the cases are very different, brother; what +duty obliges us to pass by in a husband, it is hardly moral not to +discountenance in another man. + +You say true, child, said my mother; a woman certainly ought not to +marry a loose man, if she knows him to be such; but if it be her +misfortune to be joined to such a one, she is not to reject him, but +more especially if she sees him willing to reform. Where is your husband +my dear? Madam, he is below in the parlour: he is come to receive your +forgiveness, and your blessing. He shall have both, said my good mother, +and my prayers too. Sir George looked a little surprized: I will not +interrupt so _pious_ a ceremony, said he, but I hope you will give me +leave to withdraw before you desire him up stairs; saying this, he bowed +slightly to my mother, and left the room: we neither of us said any +thing to stop him; my mother rang the bell, but before a servant could +attend, he went out, and clapped the door violently after him. + +Go bring your husband up to me, said my mother. I begged she would not +mention any thing of Sir George's behaviour. I found Mr Arnold impatient +at my stay. Poor man, his situation made him jealous of every thing that +looked like a slight. I told him, my brother had been above stairs, and +as I did not think a meeting would at that time have been agreeable to +either of them, I waited till he was gone. I perceive he knew _I_ was in +the house, said Mr Arnold, by the blustering manner of his departure. I +made no reply; but taking him under the arm, led him to my mother. + +That best of women received him with a tenderness that delighted me; he +put one knee to the ground while she embraced him with maternal love, +then raised him, and taking his hand and mine, joined them, holding them +between her own. God bless you my children, said she, and may you never +more be separated, till God, who joined you, calls one or other of you +to himself. Amen, cried I fervently. Amen, repeated Mr Arnold. + +He then besought my mother to forgive him for all the affliction he had +occasioned both to her and me; assuring her that his veneration for her, +and his tenderness for me, were augmented a hundred-fold, and should for +the future influence his whole conduct. + +After this, we fell on the subject of our domestick affairs: we informed +my mother of my lord V----'s proposal, and said, as we should stay in +town but two or three days, we had accepted of the offer of being at his +house, rather than by our presence banish my brother from her's. + +He is an untractable man, said she; but as I do not wish to quarrel +with my children, I think it will be prudent for you to stay at my +lord's rather than here. Mr Arnold said his obligations to lord V---- +were unspeakable; for that he had promised not only to see all our +affairs properly settled, but to take the mortgage of South-Park into his +own hands, as he fears the person who now has it will not be so tender a +creditor as himself. He also proposes (as the sale of my effects cannot +amount to what my debts come to) to pay what may be deficient, and make +himself my sole creditor. If it had not been for such a prospect as +this, added my dear Mr Arnold, notwithstanding your goodness and lady +Bidulph's, I had resolved never to have appeared before either of you. + +We determined to set out for Sidney-castle in three or four days at +farthest; and took leave of my mother for this night. + + + _December 21_ + +I told lady V---- this morning, that though I was determined never to +mention our past misfortune to Mr Arnold, yet I owned I had a great +curiosity to know what means Mrs Gerrarde had made use of, to work up +his suspicions to the high pitch she had done; but I would rather remain +unsatisfied, than mortify him by the recollection of this particular. + +I can inform you of her whole proceedings, answered lady V----, as I had +it from Mr Arnold himself; for to tell you the truth, I was as curious +about that as you, and took the liberty to ask your husband concerning +it yesterday, when we had him to ourselves. It was the interval between +dinner, and the hour that you were expected here in the evening, that I +laid hold of for this purpose, as I found him then composed enough to +bear the enquiry. + +He told me, that from the time of his going down to South-Park, Mrs +Gerrarde had begun to throw out insinuations concerning you, that had a +little alarmed him. She asked him, Whether you made a good wife? which +he answering in the affirmative, she replied, she was glad of it; for +that she had been told your affections were formerly deeply engaged to a +very fine young gentleman, who, as his fortune was very much above your +expectations, your mother, fearing your violent fondness for him might +lead you into some act of indiscretion, had carried you out of town on +purpose to avoid him; and was glad to marry you as hastily as she could, +to put you out of the reach of harm. + +Your husband acknowleges, that he believes he had himself casually +informed Mrs Gerrarde of the manner of his first becoming acquainted +with you, and the suddenness with which his marriage was concluded; yet +she pretended to him, she was before apprized of these particulars. + +He owns that those hints, though far from giving him any suspicion of +your virtue, had nevertheless made some impression on him. You know, +Madam, added he, that, madly devoted as my affections were to Mrs +Gerrarde, I had always behaved to my wife with great tenderness and +respect. This I suppose it was which raised Mrs Gerrarde's jealousy, and +made her leave no method unattempted to part us. Mr Faulkland had not +been long at V---- hall, when she asked me, with uncommon earnestness, +whether he visited at my house; I told her he did not, and asked the +meaning of her enquiry. She affected to turn it off, and said, she had +no particular reason for her question; but her manner was such, as the +more excited my curiosity. At length she was prevailed on to tell me, +that Mr Faulkland was the man (for she had not yet named the person), +whom my wife had so passionately loved. Prepossessed as I was with +jealousy, I now took the alarm. I recollected that Mrs Arnold had told +me at lord V----'s, upon my first seeing him there, that she _had_ been +very well acquainted with him; and I even thought that I had observed +something particular in his countenance when he addressed her. I was now +sure that he had come into the neighbourhood merely on her account. The +hell that I suffered is not to be described; for though I really fancied +that I had conceived almost an aversion to Mrs Arnold, I yet could not +bear the thoughts of being dishonoured. An accident happened which +served to strengthen my suspicions: he then related the circumstance of +his seeing you at the public house on the night of the fire; and of his +finding Mr Faulkland putting you into your chariot. He owned at the same +time, that he was there with Mrs Gerrarde, whom he had conducted out of +the play-house, having called for her there in his return from making a +visit, as he had promised to sup with her that night. Mrs Gerrarde, when +she had him at her house, affected to speak with some surprize of your +imprudence, in suffering a young man of Mr Faulkland's _known_ turn for +gallantry, to attend you to _such_ a place, and at that hour. Though, +added he, Mrs Arnold's own account of this had satisfied me at the time, +yet Mrs Gerrarde's insinuations blew up the fire anew in my breast. She +pretended to sooth me; but the methods she took rather increased my +uneasiness. She told me, she believed my honour as _yet_ had received no +injury; and to preserve it effectually, she thought I could not do +better than to forbid my wife to see Mr Faulkland. The designing vile +woman, continued your husband, knowing that this prohibition would cut +off her visits at V---- hall, no doubt apprehended my wife would not so +readily acquiesce under it; and she was sure any resistance on her part +would but the more inflame me. But in this she was disappointed; for I +no sooner required Mrs Arnold's promise on the occasion, than she, +without the least hesitation, made it. My requiring so extraordinary a +proof of her obedience, induced Mrs Arnold to enquire into the cause; +and upon my explaining it, she acknowleged that Mr Faulkland had once +been her lover, and that the match was broken off by her mother, who had +conceived some dislike to him. This was so far from gaining credit with +me, that it only served to corroborate what Mrs Gerrarde had told me. I +was, however, contented for the present with the promise that my wife +had made me; of which I informed Mrs Gerrarde. + +He then proceeded to tell me of his finding you and Mr Faulkland +together one evening at the house of Mrs Gerrarde. I must confess, +continued he, this unexpected incident transported me beyond the bounds +of patience: I suffered, notwithstanding, Mr Faulkland to go quietly out +of the house, more for Mrs Gerrarde's sake than any other consideration, +and permitted her to go home with my wife (who I then thought +_pretended_ illness,) waiting in the mean time at her house for her +return, in order to have this extraordinary and unexpected meeting +explained. + +Mrs Gerrarde, on her return expressed the utmost concern and resentment +on the occasion. She told me, that as she had expected me that evening +(which was really the case), she had sent to my wife to engage her for +the next day, in order to prevent her coming to interrupt us, which was +not unlikely, as Mrs Arnold had not been to see her from the time she +was laid up by the hurt she received; and she said, she did not care to +lay herself so open to her servants, as to have herself denied to the +wife, whilst she entertained the husband. + +I myself, continued he, having the same apprehensions, had asked Mrs +Arnold, on my going abroad in the morning, how she purposed to dispose +of herself for the day; and she had told me she intended to stay at +home. Mrs Gerrarde said, that notwithstanding her message, she was +surprized with a visit from Mrs Arnold just as she was sitting down to +dinner; that she however put a good face on the matter, and received her +very cordially; but in order to get rid of her soon, told her, she was +engaged abroad in the afternoon. Mrs Arnold, she added, however thought +proper to stay, and I could not avoid asking her to drink coffee. While +we were at it, behold, to my very great surprize, Mr Faulkland sent in +his name, and immediately entered the parlour. + +As I guessed, continued Mrs Gerrarde, that this was a settled +assignation, I own I was extremely provoked at it. Mr Faulkland, with +whom I formerly had a very slight acquaintance at Bath, _so_ slight +indeed as never to be visited by him, now very audaciously made an +apology for not having waited on me sooner; but said, that he did not +hear of my being in the neighbourhood, 'till a day or two before, and +hoped I would allow him the honour of renewing his acquaintance. I had +hardly temper enough to make him a civil answer; but said, I was sorry I +was engaged that evening, and must be obliged to go out immediately. I +thought this hint was enough for Mrs Arnold; and that she would have had +the discretion to have taken her leave. She asked pardon for having kept +me at home so long, protesting she had really forgot that I told her I +was engaged. She begged she might not detain me any longer, saying, she +had ordered her chariot to come for her in the evening, and that she +would wait for it, as she found herself not very well, and therefore not +able to walk home. I now saw into the whole scheme: Mr Faulkland would +naturally stay to keep her company, and they would have my house to +themselves; but I resolved to disappoint them both; and telling Mrs +Arnold I would leave her at home, ordered the chariot to the door. Mrs +Arnold opposed this, under pretence of not giving me so much trouble, +and pretending to be sick and faint, said she would step to the door, in +order to get a little more air; I followed her hastily, and your coming +in the instant, I suppose, detained Mr Faulkland in the parlour, for he +could not but see you from the window. You know the rest, added Mrs +Gerrarde; and I leave you to judge, whether Mrs Arnold be inclined to +keep her word with you, in regard to Mr Faulkland. + +Can you blame me, Madam, proceeded your husband, if, after what I now +saw and heard, I was enraged almost to madness against my wife? The base +woman, who had now accomplished her wicked purpose, encouraged me in my +desperation. In the midst of my fury, however, I could not help making +one observation, which was, that as Mrs Gerrarde's going, or pretending +to go out that evening, was a casual thing, they could hardly have +expected an opportunity of being _alone_ at her house, even though the +meeting was concerted. Mrs Gerrarde answered, That was very true; and +she supposed there was nothing at first farther intended, than that the +_lovers_ should have the pleasure of seeing and conversing together, as +they had been so long separated; the other, to be sure, said she, was an +after-thought, which the opportunity suggested. She then, after making +me swear secrecy, told me, that Mrs Arnold had, when she followed her +out to the door, conjured her not to tell me that Mr Faulkland and she +(Mrs Gerrarde) were acquainted; for, said she, as Mr Arnold is of a +jealous temper, and has heard that Mr Faulkland formerly courted me, he +would not suffer me to come near your house, if he knew that Mr +Faulkland visited you. I promised her I would not, added Mrs Gerrarde; +and I make no doubt but that she hoped in time (relying on my good +nature, my seeming fondness for her, and the easiness of my temper) to +engage me as the confidant and abettor of her loose amour. + +Mrs Gerrarde concluded with saying, that she believed nothing criminal +had as _yet_ passed between Mr Faulkland and my wife, at least since his +coming to V---- hall; but as there was no with-holding a woman from her +will, it was very probable that Mrs Arnold would contrive the means of +meeting, though not at _her_ house, yet somewhere else. I raved, +threatened, talked of fighting Faulkland, and locking up my wife. She +artfully dissuaded me from such violent measures by a number of +arguments, which I will not trouble you with repeating: Amongst other +things, she said, that I had no right to call Faulkland to an account +merely from surmise, which was all I had to ground my charge on; and +though there was the strongest reason to believe he had dishonourable +designs on Mrs Arnold, yet as I could not directly accuse him of them, I +should be laughed at for engaging in a quarrel, which to the world would +appear to be so ill-grounded. As to what I threatened in regard to my +wife, she said, such measures only make a woman desperate, and would be +far from preventing the evil; in short, that it would be better to part +quietly, without embroiling myself with her friends, or undertaking the +hateful office of becoming gaoler to my wife. She found me but too well +disposed to follow her fatal counsel. I wrote that cruel letter to my +wife, which turned her from her home, at Mrs Gerrarde's house. She kept +me with her till midnight, and had worked up my resentment to such a +pitch, that I determined not to see Mrs Arnold any more. To avoid +expostulations, I went to a friend's house, at the distance of several +miles. When I came back, Mrs Gerrarde told me that Mr Faulkland was +absent from V---- hall, and she concluded the lovers were now together. + +I interrupted your husband at this part of the story, pursued Lady +V----, and told him, that to _my_ knowledge Mr Faulkland had gone to +Sidney-Castle, to see Sir George Bidulph, before you left your own +house; and did not set out from thence on his return 'till about three +weeks after your separation; at the account of which he was exceedingly +surprized. + +Dear Lady V----, said he, do you think I _now_ want any farther +arguments to convince me what an injurious wretch I have been to the +best of women? + +I have one observation to make to you, Mr Arnold, added I; which is, +that your lady's misfortune was intirely owing to her great delicacy, +and the nice regard she had to your peace and honour. + +I do not understand you, Madam, he replied. + +Know then, said I, that your wife was well acquainted with your +connection with Mrs Gerrarde, from the very night that you found her at +the public house, to which the accident that happened to her obliged her +to go. She owned to me, at the time you drove her from her home, that +she had discovered your amour from a conversation she overheard that +night between you and Mrs Gerrarde. This I extorted from her, by letting +her know I was no stranger to the intrigue. I then repeated to him the +discourse that passed between him and that wicked woman, as far as you +had told me, and he very well remembered it. Now, Mr Arnold, said I, to +prove the assertion I made in regard to your lady, had she reproached +you with your infidelity, as _some_ wives would have done, tho' it might +have occasioned a temporary uneasiness to you both, yet would it have +prevented her from falling a sacrifice to that most artful and wicked of +her sex; for you could not then have had such an improbable falshood +imposed on you, as that Mrs Arnold would have made choice of the +_mistress_ of her husband for a confidant, and fix on _her_ house as the +rendezvous for a love-intrigue. The base woman herself had no reason, +from Mrs Arnold's prudent and gentle behaviour, to think she was +suspected by her. + +Your husband lifted up his eyes to heaven; and striking his breast, +Blind, blind wretch, he cried! infatuated, ungrateful monster! are there +no amends--no amends in thy power for such goodness? + +I could not bear such a description of my poor Mr Arnold's deep +contrition. I stopped Lady V----; and, being now informed of all I +wanted to know, changed the conversation. + + + _December 22_ + +We are preparing to get into the country with all speed. I have writ to +Patty to set out with the two children for Sidney-Castle as soon as +possible. Mr Arnold has put his affairs intirely into the hands of our +worthy friend Lord V----, and we think, upon a calculation, that what we +have in town, at South-Park, and at Arnold-Abbey, will go near to answer +the present demands that are upon us. + +Lady V---- is the best creature living; she knows that neither Mr Arnold +nor I chuse to see any visitors, and she has let none in these two days. +I am vexed at laying her under such a restraint, though her good-nature +will not suffer her to think it one. We shall go out of town on Monday; +to-morrow we spend with my mother, as do Lord and Lady V---- (who are +mightily charmed with her), and then adieu to London, perhaps for ever. +If my mother comes down to me, as she intends to do, I shall have no +temptation ever to return to it. + + _Sidney-Castle, December 29._ + + Here I am, my dear, in the house of my nativity. Your Sidney and her + Arnold as happy as a king and a queen! or, to speak more properly, + happier than any king or queen in Christendom. My two dear little + girls are well, thank God! and look charmingly. Poor babes! they could + have no idea of their loss when I left them, yet they now seem pleased + at seeing me again. My faithful Patty is almost out of her wits with + joy. I have no maid but her, and an honest servant, whom my mother + left here to look after her house. Mr Arnold has retained but one of + his men: the garden is taken care of by an old man in the + neighbourhood, to whom my mother allows something for keeping it in + order. + + With what delight do I recall the days of my childhood, which I passed + here so happily! You, my dear Cecilia, mix yourself in all my + thoughts; every spot almost brings you fresh into my memory. The + little filbert-wood, the summer-house, the mount, and the + chestnut-close that you used to love so! but the sight of your old + dwelling makes me melancholy. I think I could not bear to go into the + house; the deserted avenue to me appears much darker than it used to + do; and your poor doves are all flying about wild; and I think seem to + mourn the absence of their gentle mistress. Oh! Cecilia, how exquisite + are the pleasures and the pains that those of too nice feelings are + liable to! You, whose sensibility is as strong as mine, know this. + From what trifles do minds of such a turn derive both joy and grief! + Our names, our virgin names, I find cut out on several of the old elm + trees: this conjures up a thousand pleasing ideas, and brings back + those days when we were inseparable. But you are no longer Rivers, nor + I Bidulph. Then I think what I have suffered since I lost that name, + and at how remote a distance you are from me; and I weep like a + child--But away with such reflections: I am now happier, beyond + comparison happier, I think, than I was before my afflictions overtook + me. Mr Arnold's _recovered_ heart I prize infinitely more than I did + when he first made me an offer of it; because I am sure he gives it + now from a thorough conviction that I deserve it, and therefore I am + certain never to have it alienated again. + + + _January 4_ + +It is almost three years since I left this place; and the welcomes I +have received from all our old neighbours and acquaintance, have given +me more satisfaction than I can express. Mr Arnold is highly pleased +with the marks of affection which he sees me daily receive from those +who have known me from my infancy. I am the more delighted with it, as I +think it gives me an additional value with him. 'Tis a proof at least +that I never misbehaved during the long number of years that our former +friends knew me, and we must needs be pleased to see the object of our +love approved of by others. This I speak from my own experience. Mr +Arnold is exceedingly caressed by all our friends, and seems equally +delighted with them: you know we have some of the best people in the +world amongst our old set of acquaintance. If you, my mother, and good +Lady V----, were within my reach, I should think Sidney-Castle a +paradise. + + + _January 10_ + +I have had two letters to-day; one from Lady V----, the other from my +dear mother. Lady V---- tells me her husband is bustling about for us, +to put affairs in the best condition he can. She says, he has already +got a purchase for the lease of our house in St James's-Street; and all +the moveables in it, as they now stand. They have been valued at two +thousand seven hundred pounds. As most of our plate is there, as well as +our chariot and a pair of horses, this has fallen very short of our +expectations; but Lady V---- says, she is sure there was not more +allowed for the furniture than half their original value, though they +have not been a great while in use. She tells me, that my lord has +employed a person to go down to Arnold-Abbey, to dispose of the things +there; but she fears we shall receive a very indifferent return from +thence, as there is but part of the furniture of Mr Arnold's putting in, +the old goods going together with the house to the widow. My lord's +steward at V---- hall has instructions about South-Park: he writes word +to his lord that he believes the whole of what is there will not sell +for more than four hundred pounds: the house indeed was but small, and +the furniture not expensive. Mrs Gerrarde, he says, has had an +attachment laid on her house by a person who built some bauble for her +in her garden, for which he claims a debt of ninety pounds, though the +steward says it is not worth thirty. 'All things, however, my lady adds, +shall be adjusted in the best manner we can; and my lord will not let Mr +Arnold be distressed on account of any deficiency that may happen in +those sales.' What a jewel, my Cecilia, is an honest, warm friend! + +The contents of my mother's letter are, That Sir George was married +yesterday to Lady Sarah P----. She says, the bride was most +extravagantly fine; but looked neither handsome nor genteel. This was +much for my good mother to let drop from her pen; but I know she never +liked Lady Sarah, nor did her ladyship ever treat her with the regard +due to her character, and to the person of one who was to stand in the +close and respectable degree of relationship to her, which my mother now +does. But I believe I have before told you, that the blessings of good +sense and good temper are bestowed but in a moderate degree on Lady +Sarah; and for a woman of quality, Lady V---- tells me (for I have never +seen her), that her breeding is not of the highest form. But you know a +great fortune covers a multitude of imperfections in the eyes of most +people, and I hope her love for my brother will make her a good wife. + + + _January 23_ + +I am grown a perfect farmer's wife, and have got a notable dairy: I am +mistress of three cows, I assure you, which more than supply my family; +then I have the best poultry in the country, and my garden flourishes +like Eden. Mr Arnold is such a sportsman that we have more game than we +know what to do with; but his chief pleasure is hunting. + +Your little namesake promises to be the greatest beauty in the county. +Dolly, who is a pretty little cherry-cheek, and her father's great +favourite, prates like a parrot. How delightful will be the task of +expanding and forming the minds of these two cherubs! how joyfully and +how thankfully do I look back on the troubled sea which I have passed! +My voyage indeed was not long, but my sufferings were great while they +lasted. I never, since I was married, enjoyed life till now. You know my +match was originally the result of duty to the best of mothers; and +though, if I ever knew my own heart, it was absolutely freed from all +attachment to any other person, yet was it not so devoted to Mr Arnold, +as to have made him my choice preferably to all other men, if I had not +resolved in _this_, as in every other action of my life, to be +determined by those to whom I owed obedience. When I married Mr Arnold, +I esteemed him; a sufficient foundation, in the person of a husband, +whereon to build love. That love, his kindness, and my own gratitude, in +a little produced in my heart; and I will venture to say few wives loved +so well, none better. You know I could never bear to consider love as a +childish divinity, who exercises his power by throwing the heart into +tumultuous raptures: _my_ love, tho' of a more temperate kind, was +sufficiently fervent to make Mr Arnold's coldness towards me alone +capable of wounding my heart most sensibly; but when this coldness was +aggravated by the cruel distrust which he was taught to entertain of me, +the blow indeed became scarce supportable; and I did not till then know +the progress he had made in my affections. + +Sorrows, my Cecilia, soften and subdue the mind prodigiously; and I +think my heart was better prepared from its sufferings to receive Mr +Arnold's returning tenderness, than an age of courtship in the gay and +prosperous days of life could have framed it to. I exult in his restored +affections, and love him a thousand times better than ever I did. He +deserves it; I am sure he does: he was led away from me by enchantment; +nothing else could have done it. But the charm is broke, thank heaven! +and I find him now the tenderest, the best of men. Every look, every +word, every action of his life, is expressive of a love next to +adoration. Oh! I should be too happy, if the blessings I now possess +were to be my continued portion in this life! There is, however, but +_one_ about which I can rationally indulge any fears--My mother--Her +years, and her growing infirmities, will not suffer me to hope for her +being long absent from her final place of felicity. You always used to +say I anticipated misfortunes: this event _may_ be farther off than my +anxious fears sometimes suggest to me; so no more of it. + + + _March 10_ + +My good Lady V---- writes me word, that all our business is finished. +The whole amount of our effects came but to three thousand four hundred +pounds; our debts (including some charges which have occurred in the +transacting of our affairs) exceeded eight thousand. Our worthy Lord +V---- has paid the whole, and has made himself our only creditor. We +have nothing now, that we can call our own, but my jointure. I do not +reckon upon my mother's bounty to us; our income from her, and the house +we live in, will be Sir George's, whenever it is our misfortune to lose +her. But she tells me she is well, and talks of coming down in about a +fortnight. + + + _March 11_ + +I am here in a scene of still life, my dear; and you must now expect to +hear of nothing but such trivial matters as used to be the subject of +our journals when we were both girls, and you lived within a bow-shot of +Sidney-Castle, and saw me every day. The last three months of my life +have glided away like a smooth stream, when there is not a breath of +wind to ruffle it; and after you read the transactions of one day, you +know how I pass all the rest. + +I have told you of every-body that came to see me, and all the visits +that I returned: I have given you an account of all our old +acquaintance, and of some new ones. You know what my amusements are, and +what my business. Indeed, what I call business, is my chief pleasure. +You, who are surrounded by the gaieties of a splendid court, had need of +the partiality which I know you have for your Sidney, to desire a +continuation of her insipid narrative. But, I suppose, if I were to tell +you, that, on such a day, my white Guiney-hen brought out a fine brood +of chickens, you might be as well pleased with it, as I should be to +hear from you of the birth of an arch-duchess. Indeed, my Cecilia, there +is such a sameness in my now-tranquil days, that I believe I must have +recourse to telling you my dreams, to furnish out matter of variety. + + + _March 19_ + +We have had a wedding to-day in our neighbourhood. Young Main (Patty's +brother) has got a very pretty young gentlewoman, with a fortune of five +thousand pounds. It seems, this pair had been fond of each other from +their childhood; but the girl's fortune put her above her lover's hopes; +however, as he has, for a good while, been in very great business, and +has the reputation of being better skilled in his profession than any +one in the country, he was in hopes, that his character, his mistress's +affection for him, and his own constancy, would have some little weight +with her family. Accordingly he ventured to make his application to the +young woman's brother, at whose disposal she was, her father having been +dead for some years; but he was rejected with scorn, and forbid the +house. + +The girl's father, it seems, had been an humourist, and left her the +fortune under a severe restriction; for, if ever she married without her +brother's consent, she was to lose it; so that, in that particular +instance of disposing of her person, she was never to be her own +mistress. In the disposal of her fortune, however, he did not so tie her +up; for after the age of one-and-twenty, she had the power of +bequeathing her fortune by will to whom she pleased. + +The brother, who is a very honest man, had no motive, but a regard to +his sister's interest, in refusing poor Mr Main: a man of good fortune +had proposed for her, whom the brother importuned her to accept of; but +she was firm to her first attachment. + +The young lover found means to convey a letter to his mistress, in which +he told her, that as he was in circumstances to support her genteelly, +if she would venture to accept of his hand, he would never more bestow a +thought on her fortune. This proposal the prudent young woman declined +on her own part, but advised him to make it to her brother, as she was +not then without suspicions that he wished to retain her fortune in the +family; and that it was only to save appearances he had proposed a match +to her, of which he was sure she would not accept. But in this opinion +she injured him. She thought, however, the experiment might be of use, +in giving the better colour to her marrying afterwards the man whom she +loved. + +But it was an ill-judged attempt, and succeeded accordingly: for, if the +brother should have given his consent, he could have no pretence for +withholding her portion; or, if he did so by mutual agreement, his +motive for denying his consent before, must appear too obviously to be a +bad one. + +The young people, not considering this sufficiently, resolved to make +the trial; accordingly Mr Main wrote to the brother a very submissive +letter, telling him he would, in the most solemn manner, relinquish all +claim to his sister's fortune, if he would make him happy by consenting +to their marriage; without which, he said, the young lady's regard for +her brother would not suffer her to take such a step. + +This letter had no other effect than that of making the brother +extremely angry. He sent a severe message to the young man, to acquaint +him, that he looked upon his proposal as a most injurious affront to his +character; but that he was ready to convince him, and every-body else, +that he had no designs upon his sister's fortune, as he would not refuse +his consent to her marriage with any other man in the country but +himself. This was a thunder-clap to the poor lover: he comforted +himself, however, with the hopes that his mistress's heart would +determine her in his favour, notwithstanding the severity of the +brother. + +There had been, it seems, besides this gentleman's not thinking Mr Main +a suitable match for his sister, some old family pique between him and +Mr Main's father. + +These transactions happened some time before I came to the country. Just +about that juncture, the poor girl had the misfortune to receive a hurt +in her breast, by falling against the sharp corner of a desk from a +stool, on which she had stood in order to reach down a book that was in +a little case over it. This accident threw her into a fit of illness, +which put a stop to all correspondence between her and her lover. + +In this illness, a fever, which was her apparent complaint, was the only +thing to which the physician paid attention, and the hurt in her breast +was not enquired after; so that by the time she was tolerably recovered +from the former, the latter was discovered to be in a very dangerous +way, and required the immediate assistance of a surgeon. You may be sure +poor Main was not the person pitched upon to attend her; another was +called in, of less skill, but not so obnoxious to the family. + +By this bungler, she was tortured for near three months; at the end of +which time, through improper treatment, the malady was so far increased, +that the operator declared the breast must be taken off, as the only +possible means of saving her life. + +The young gentlewoman's family were all in the greatest affliction; she +herself seemed the only composed person amongst them. She appointed the +day when she was to undergo this severe trial of her fortitude; it was +at the distance of about a week. The surgeon objected to the having it +put off so long, but she was peremptory, and at last prevailed. + +On the evening preceding the appointed day, she conjured her brother in +the most earnest manner, to permit Mr Main to be present at the +operation. The brother was unwilling to comply, as he thought it might +very much discompose her, but she was so extremely pressing, that he was +constrained to yield. + +The attending surgeon was consulted on the occasion; who having +declared, that he had no objection to Mr Main's being present, that +young man was sent for. He had been quite inconsolable at the accounts +he received, of the dangerous state in which his mistress was, and went +with an aching heart to her brother's house in the morning. + +He was introduced into her chamber, where he found the whole chirurgical +apparatus ready. The young woman herself was in her closet, but came out +in a few minutes, with a countenance perfectly serene. She seated +herself in an elbow chair, and desired she might be indulged for a +quarter of an hour, to speak a few words to her brother, before they +proceeded to their work. Her brother was immediately called to her, when +taking him by the hand, she requested him to sit down by her. + +You have, said she, been a father to me, since I lost my own; I +acknowlege your tenderness and your care of me with gratitude. I believe +your refusal of me to Mr Main, was from no other motive but your desire +of seeing me matched to a richer man. I therefore freely forgive you +that only act, in which you ever exercised the authority my father gave +you over me. My life, I now apprehend, is in imminent danger, the hazard +nearly equal, whether I do, or do not undergo the operation; but as they +tell me there is a chance in my favour on one side, I am determined to +submit to it. + +I put it off to this day, on account of its being my birth-day. I am now +one and twenty, and as the consequences of what I have to go through, +may deprive me of the power of doing what I intended, I have spent this +morning in making my will. You, brother, have an ample fortune; I have +no poor relations; I hope, therefore, I stand justified to the world, +for having made Mr Main my heir. Saying this, she pulled a paper from +under her gown, which she put into her brother's hand, that he might +read it. It was her will, wrote by herself, regularly signed, and +witnessed by two servants of the family. + +Sir, said she, turning to the other surgeon, as soon as my brother is +withdrawn, I am ready for you. You may imagine this had various effects +on the different persons concerned. The brother, however displeased he +might have been at this act of his sister's, had too much humanity to +make any animadversions on it at that time. He returned the paper to +his sister without speaking, and retired. + +Poor Main, who had stood at the back of her chair, from his first coming +in, had been endeavouring to suppress his tears all the time; but at +this proof of his mistress's tenderness and generosity, it was no longer +in his power to do so, and they burst from him with the utmost violence +of passion. + +The other surgeon desired him to compose himself, for that they were +losing time, and the lady would be too much ruffled. + +The heroic young woman, with a smiling countenance, begged of him to dry +his eyes: perhaps, said she, I may recover. Then fixing herself firmly +in the chair, she pronounced, with much composure, 'I am ready.' Two +maid servants stood one at each side of her, and the surgeon drew near +to do his painful work. He had uncovered her bosom, and taken off the +dressings, when Mr Main, casting his eyes at her breast, begged he might +have leave to examine it before they proceeded. The other surgeon, with +some indignation, said, his doing so was only an unnecessary delay; and +had already laid hold of his knife, when Mr Main having looked at it, +said, he was of opinion it might be saved, without endangering the +lady's life. The other, with a contemptuous smile, told him, he was +sorry he thought him so ignorant of his profession, and without much +ceremony, putting him aside, was about to proceed to the operation; when +Mr Main laying hold of him, said, that he should never do it in his +presence; adding, with some warmth, that he would engage to make a +perfect cure of it in a month, without the pain or hazard of amputation. + +The young lady, who had been an eye-witness of what passed, for she +would not suffer her face to be covered, now thought it proper to +interpose. She told the unfeeling operator, the he might be very sure +she would embrace any distant hope of saving herself from the pain, the +danger, and the loss she must sustain, if he pursued the method he +intended. She was not, however, so irresolute, she said, as to desire +either to avoid or postpone the operation, if it should be found +necessary; but as there was hope given her of a cure without it, she +thought it but reasonable to make the experiment; and should therefore +refer the decision of her case to a third person of skill in the +profession, by whose opinion she would be determined. + +The two women servants, who are always professed enemies to chirurgical +operations, readily joined in her sentiments, and saying it was a mortal +sin to cut and hack any christian, they made haste to cover up their +young lady again. + +The disappointed surgeon hardly forbore rude language to the women; and +telling Mr Main he would make him know what it was to traduce the skill +of a practitioner of his standing, marched off in a violent passion, +saying to his patient, if she had a mind to kill herself, it was nothing +to him. + +The modest young man, delighted to find the case of his beloved not so +desperate as he had supposed it to be, begged she would permit him to +apply some proper dressings to the afflicted part, and conjuring her to +call in the aid of the ablest surgeon that could be procured, took his +leave. + +The brother of the lady being apprized of what had passed, lost no time +in sending an express to Bath; and by a very handsome gratuity, induced +a surgeon of great eminence to set out immediately for his house, who +arrived early the next morning. But in the mean time poor Main had like +to have paid dear for his superior skill in his profession. The other +surgeon had no sooner got home, than he sent him a challenge, to meet +him that evening, in a field at some distance from the town. They met; +Main had the good fortune, after wounding, to disarm his antagonist, but +first received himself a dangerous wound. + +This accident was kept from the knowledge of his mistress; but on the +arrival of the surgeon from Bath, as he would not take off the +dressings, but in the presence of the person who put them on, it was +thought proper that both Mr Main and the other man should be sent for. +The latter was not by any means in a condition to attend; but the +former, though very ill and feverish, desired that he might be carried +to the house. The Bath surgeon having, in his and the brother's +presence, examined the case, declared it as his opinion, that the +complaint might be removed without amputation; adding, that it was owing +to wrong management that the grievance had gone so far. He consulted +with Main, in the presence of the family, as to his intended method of +treating it for the future; he agreed with him intirely, with regard to +the propriety of it; and having assured the friends of the girl, that he +thought him a skilful and ingenious young man, took his leave, being +obliged to return directly home. + +The testimony of this gentleman, whose skill was undoubted, and whose +impartiality must be so too, having never seen any of the parties +concerned in his life before, wrought so much upon the brother, that he +did not hesitate to put his sister under the care of her lover. + +Poor Main, though scarce able to leave his bed for some time, was +nevertheless carried to his patient every day, at the hazard of his +life. His skill, his tenderness, and his assiduity, were all exerted in +a particular manner on the present occasion; and in less than five weeks +he had the pleasure to see his mistress restored to perfect health. + +The consequence of this incident was very happy for them both; the +brother, exceedingly pleased at his whole behaviour, told him, he was an +honest generous fellow; and since he was convinced it was his sister's +person, and not her fortune he was attached to, he would, with all his +heart, bestow both on him; and accordingly Mr Arnold and I had this day +the satisfaction of seeing this worthy young pair united in marriage. + +Patty is not a little delighted at her brother's good fortune. The +honest youth, who has ever since his father's death supported his +mother, and as many of the younger children as were not able to gain +their own livelihood, has now invited his sister Patty to live with him; +but the faithful girl declined the offer; telling her bother, she would +never quit me, while I thought her worthy of my regard. + +I look upon myself to be much obliged to her for this, as the station +she is now in, cannot be so advantageous as I hoped to make it, when I +first took her into my service; but I will make up in kindness what may +be wanting in profit. Indeed I consider her rather as a friend than a +servant, and Mr Arnold always treats her with respect. + + + _March 20_ + +I am very uneasy at not having it in my power to fulfil my promise to +poor Miss Burchell; but that is a string I dare not as yet touch upon. +Indeed I cannot bear any conversation that leads to the subject. +Whenever Mr Arnold begins to accuse himself for his unhappy conduct, in +relation to Mrs Gerrarde, which he often does, I always stop him, or +turn the discourse to something else. He never speaks of her now, but +with a contemptuous indifference; and is so firmly persuaded that she +went off willingly with Mr Faulkland, that I dare not as yet undeceive +him; which I must necessarily do, should I express even a wish that Mr +Faulkland should repair the niece's wrongs by marriage. Mr Arnold knows +nothing of miss Burchell's affair. I went once so far as to say I had +heard Mr Faulkland formerly liked this young lady. Mr Arnold answered, I +am glad it went no farther than liking; if it had, probably I should not +have been so soon delivered from my thraldom to her aunt. This reply +silenced me; I am exceedingly perplexed about it. Would to Heaven Mr +Faulkland would of himself think of doing the amiable unhappy girl +justice My mother writes me word, that Sir George had informed Mr +Faulkland, by letter, of the success of his project; and that his answer +was full of congratulations, and expressions of joy. He is now in Italy; +but talks of returning to England next summer. He says, he hears +sometimes from Pivet, and that he and his wife live very well together. + +My mother says she often sees Miss Burchell, and that she encourages her +with the hope of what may happen when Mr Faulkland comes back. If this +match should ever take place, it would give me most sincere +satisfaction. The girl's family is not contemptible; her fortune is +pretty large, her person lovely; the unfortunate false step she made, is +an entire secret, except to the persons immediately concerned; so that +with regard to the world, her character too is good. Mrs Gerrarde, at +worst, was only her aunt by marriage; but if that circumstance should be +the only rub in her way to happiness, I would sooner declare the whole +affair, and run the risk of Mr Arnold's being let into this ticklish +secret, than be a hindrance to the poor young creature's welfare. This +affair never comes a-cross me, but it makes me sigh. God send a +favourable issue to it! + + + _March 26_ + +Alas! my Cecilia, we have received most heavy news! My good lord V----, +that stedfast, that worthy, that best of friends, is no more! He was +preparing to go to V---- hall, three days ago, but was seized with an +apoplexy, as he was coming down stairs to go into his coach, and died +before any assistance could reach him. Oh! we have a severe loss in the +death of this most dear and valuable man!--but why do I mention _our_ +loss?--his lady--poor lady V---- is almost distracted--and well she +may--the best of husbands, fathers, every thing! His eldest son, who is +abroad, is sent for home on this melancholy occasion--My poor mother is +afflicted exceedingly: every body that knew him must be so. Mr Arnold +and I have lost more than a father. How _self_ recurs every minute; let +me think of lady V---- again, and not dare to complain on my own +account; but my obligations to him were of such a nature, as claim all +my gratitude to his memory, and all the tears that I have abundantly +shed for him. + +Mr Arnold is largely in his debt, we have no room to expect the same +friendship from the present lord V----, that we experienced from his +father. + +This circumstance did not occur to me till poor Mr Arnold put me in the +mind of it: my thoughts were too much absorbed in grief, which the death +alone of our friend occasioned. My mother hinted at it too, in her +letter to Mr Arnold; for it was to him she wrote the mournful tidings. + +What a dark cloud of sorrow is spread over Sidney-castle! and how this +stroke has imbittered our little domestic joys! But let me not carry my +complainings into presumptuous murmurings. I have lost a sincere and +truly valued friend; but do I not still possess infinite blessings? My +husband, my dear Mr Arnold, my two sweet children, the best of mothers, +and thee, my ever-beloved Cecilia, whom I still call mine, though at +such a distance from me. + +Then I comfort myself with reflecting that lady V---- has sons, who, I +hope, will be a blessing to her; that her fortune is affluent, and that +my lord had passed through a well-spent life, to a pretty advanced age. +He was turned of sixty. All these considerations sooth my mind, and I +acknowlege, that, upon the whole, I have, by far, more cause to be +thankful, than to repine. + + + _March 30_ + +Lady V----'s journey down to V---- hall having been so fatally +prevented, she is obliged to remain in London. The shock she has +received has brought on her a fit of illness. I find my lord has not +left any ready money; his fortune was large, but as they always lived in +great splendor, he laid none of his income by: the whole sum which he +could command, he laid out for our use. My lady's jointure is pretty +considerable; if it were ten times more, she deserves it. Oh, may her +sons prove worthy of such a parent! The youngest I hear is a very fine +youth. He is come to her from Oxford to comfort her, till the arrival of +his elder brother. + +My mother writes me word, that her old friend lady Grimston is dead! She +has left her whole fortune to charitable uses: not a sixpence to either +of her daughters. Poor Mrs Vere! She is content with her little income, +and has no loss of so unnatural a parent, who carried her vindictive +spirit with her to the grave. As for the eldest, she did not stand in +need of any assistance from her; but I own, though I had not great +esteem for lady Grimston, I could not help being shocked at the brutal +behaviour of her son-in-law to her in her last hours. She had never seen +either him or her daughter from the time I told you they had quarrelled; +but when she found herself dying, she sent a message to this favourite +daughter, desiring to see her; her husband, whether out of disregard to +the old lady, or his wife, or both, absolutely refused to let her go. My +mother remarks on this passage in these words, 'Thus was this +unfortunate parent punished in kind, for denying her late husband the +satisfaction of seeing his youngest daughter, when he was in the same +circumstances with herself.' + +My mother is nevertheless very much troubled for the death of her old +acquaintance; who, she says, was a valuable woman: she considers her +decease as a memento, which warns her of her own approaching end; for +they were just of an age. + +I fear my mother is not well, though she does not say so; for she has +put off her coming to Sidney-castle, without giving me a reason for it. + + + _April 22_ + +I thank you, my beloved Cecilia, for your cordial wish. Your opinion, +that all my troubles are at an end, is consonant to your desires, but I +doubt far from the real fact. The young lord V---- is returned home; but +oh! how unlike that honest man, whose title and fortune he inherits! How +deceived were his worthy parents in their hopes of him! he is a stranger +to every sentiment of virtue. I have had a letter this day from my lady +V----, wherein she laments the degeneracy of her son, whom they were +made to believe a pattern of excellence: but the tutor to whom they +entrusted him was as profligate as himself. In short, she says he is +quite a reprobate; she has not the least authority or influence over +him; she laments this, particularly on our account; we are indebted to +him near five thousand pounds, and my lady says, she fears he will press +Mr Arnold. He is profuse, she says, in his expences, without being +generous. + +What can we do my dear? There is not the least prospect now of our being +able to pay this money, but by selling the only remaining stake we have +left. Had my lord lived, he made us hope that by his interest he could +procure Mr Arnold some employment which would have enabled him to +discharge this debt at his ease, without our being obliged to strip +ourselves of our all. As we purposed living with the utmost oeconomy, +this might have been accomplished in a few years. This prospect is now +lost to us. We must submit. I have begged of Mr Arnold to think +immediately of selling my jointure, for we have no reason to expect any +lenity from a man of such a character as the present lord V---- is. We +can subsist upon the income, which my mother is so good as to allow us: +it is precarious it is true, but something may happen; I rely on that +providence, who has hitherto protected me. + + + _April 28_ + +Lady V----'s apprehensions were but too well founded. We have had a +letter from her son's agent. The debt _must_ be paid; and we are come to +a resolution to sell two hundred and fifty pounds a year. We shall then +have but fifty pounds a year in the world which we can call our own! I +reckon not upon my mother's life, these afflictions I fear will hasten +her departure to another world. From Sir George we have nothing to +expect: he is absorbed in vanity; his new alliances engross him +intirely. + +My dear lady V---- writes us word, she will do her utmost to promote Mr +Arnold's interest. She has numerous and powerful friends; and says, she +makes no doubt of obtaining something for him worth his acceptance. +Believe me, my Cecilia, I am not disheartened at this fresh blow. If my +dear Mr Arnold could reconcile himself to it, I could be well contented. +I will not now (though you used to accuse me of it) anticipate +misfortunes; we have still enough for the present to live on decently; +and if my lady V----'s kind endeavours should succeed, we may yet be +happily provided for. I will not let the thought of my mother's death +interfere: let me but calm the anxious fears of my poor Mr Arnold, and +all will be well. + + + _May 12_ + +Thank God we have done with the merciless lord V----! his money is to be +paid directly to him. I have recovered my tranquility; I enjoy my little +in peace; and have the comfort to see Mr Arnold's mind more at ease, and +reconciled to his lot. To lady V--'s goodness, as well as my own earnest +endeavours, I impute this. She says, she has the promise of an +honourable and a profitable post for him; but we are to wait some months +for it. The person who is now in possession of this place is to be +preferred to a better, and she says, she has the word of an _honest_ man +on the occasion; 'he is a very _great_ man too, says my lady in her +letter, but as it is on the first part of his character chiefly we are +to depend, I mention the other only by the by.' + +Now, my dear, have I not reason to be contented? A thankless heart +should I have if I were not; but I am, indeed, my Cecilia, I am; and I +begin again to be happy. Our domestick felicity was but disturbed for a +while, it was not over-thrown. + +Here will I close; I have an opportunity of sending this immediately by +a private hand to my beloved. + + +[_Here Mrs Arnold's maid Patty continues the journal._] + + + _May 15_ + +By my lady's orders I take up the pen; and she has charged me to set +down every particular. God knows I am ill able to do it! but I will +strive to obey her. My poor dear lady is in such trouble, she has not +the heart to write, nor scarcely to do any thing. + +My master--Oh! madam, how shall I express myself! my poor master, now he +is so good, we are going, I fear, to lose him: I must write, according +to my lady's custom, every thing in the best order I can. + +You cannot think, madam, how happy they have lived together ever since +my lady came home to him again. He seemed to grow fonder and fonder of +her every day; I believe he perfectly adored her, and he had reason. + +You know, madam, my lady was always used to a chariot; but they never +attempted keeping one since they came down to Sidney-castle. She asked +my master once, if he had a horse quiet enough for her to venture to +ride on to church? I observed my master turned away his face, and put +his handkerchief to his eyes. I believe he thought of a little favourite +pad that he had given to Mrs Gerrarde. I have not one, my love, said he, +that I would trust you on. You had once a pretty horse that you were +fond of, but my desperate folly has not even left you that; but I will +look out for one that will suit you. No matter, my dear, said my lady +smiling, and taking him by the hand, I will ride double, I think that +will suit me best. Dearest of women! said my master (and he fetched a +deep sigh), when shall I be able to make you amends? He lamented hourly +the loss of his fortune for her sake. What will become of you, my +dearest creature, and my two poor children, said he (when he was obliged +to part with her jointure), if I should die before you; and then he +cried, and wrung his hands. My lady begged of him to put such melancholy +thoughts out of his head, saying, they never disturbed her. I hope, +said she, I shall never see your death; but if it pleases God to punish +me so far, a little, a very little, will content me for the rest of my +days. My master embraced her, and the sweet children; and said, if +heaven spared him life, he would yet be the happiest man in the world. +Many a time have I been witness to such discourse between them; for they +knew my love for them was so great, that they would never scruple +talking of their affairs before me. Oh! madam, I believe there was never +a truer penitent than my master. My dear lady has said to me, since they +were forced to sell her jointure, Patty, though we are now reduced to +little more than two hundred pounds a year, I have much more comfort +than when we had twelve. I have the satisfaction of seeing Mr Arnold +such as I wish him; he is an altered man, Patty; he is truly virtuous, +and I am sure he loves me now from right reason. I am content with the +little that is left us. + +I always prayed for her prosperity; but, madam, God is pleased to order +things otherwise than we poor silly mortalls think the best. My lady has +always been good and pious, and I hope he will yet bring her out of her +troubles, tho' they are great and many. + +My lady always charged me to be minute, and to write particulars; but, +good madam, excuse the silly way I put my words together. I have not yet +come to the dismal part of my story, and I hardly know how to go on, for +indeed I am forced to break off every now and then to cry. Reason enough +I have, to be sure; but what is _my_ sorrow compared to my lady's! + +The day before yesterday my master was asked by some gentlemen in our +neighbourhood to go a hunting: he had no mind to go, for my lady was not +very well, and he was unwilling to leave her; but she persuaded him, +because she knew he loved hunting dearly; she has blamed herself for it +ever since, but she could not know by enchantment what was to happen. He +left my lady in bed, and went out about five o'clock in the morning. At +eight, as my lady was sitting at breakfast, and I attending, the other +maid called me out. Our man, who had gone abroad with my master, was in +the kitchen, and looked as pale as death. I asked him what was the +matter? The poor fellow could hardly speak; but at last said, my master +has got a desperate fall in leaping a ditch, and I am afraid has hurt +his skull: he is lying at farmer Hill's cottage, and one of the +gentleman is rid off for a surgeon; but that is no place for him, we +must get him home: but I thought it best to prepare my lady before she +sees him. My lady rung her bell before I could answer him; I ran in, +but I am sure I looked like a ghost, for my lady started when she saw +me. Bless me! Patty, said she, what is the matter? Has any thing +happened to your master? Not much Madam, said I. He is killed she cried, +and sprung out of her chair. Indeed he is not, Madam, I answered, +standing between her and the door; but he has got a fall, and is a +little hurt. She made me no answer, but flew down stairs, out at the +front door, and down the avenue as quick as an arrow. I ran after her, +and the other servants after me; we could not overtake her; but she was +soon stopped, for she met my poor master borne by four men. I suppose +she thought he was dead, for she fainted away directly, and we carried +her in after him. + +My master was put to-bed; he was alive, but not able to speak. He had +got a dreadful cut in his head, and was sadly bruised besides. + +As soon as my lady came to herself, we told her my master was not +killed. She went into his room, but had not power to speak, but sat like +a stone statue at his bed-side. The surgeon came in less than half an +hour. I believe he is but a sorry one; for after he had dressed the +wound, he said there was no danger in it. At first we were all in hopes +that it was so; for about two o'clock my master got his speech again; he +complained of sickness at his stomach, and violent pains all over him. + +My lady, on hearing him speak, seemed to be rouzed as if out of a deep +sleep. Several of the gentlemen, who had been out with my master, had +come to enquire how he did; and though some of them came into his +chamber, my mistress did not speak, nor seem to regard any of them. The +first word she uttered was to call me; Patty, said she, what is the +reason I do not see Mr Main here? It was my brother she meant, who is a +surgeon; and I believe, madam, she has mentioned him to you, as one that +is reckoned pretty skilful in his business. One of the gentlemen +immediately said, by all means let him be sent for directly. My brother +was soon fetched, and he thought proper to bleed my master in the arm. +He would not take the dressings off his head, as the other surgeon had +declared the skull was not touched; but said, he would be present when +the wound was dressed the next day; and would watch all night by my +master. + +My lady was not to be removed from the bed-side, nor could we persuade +her to take any sustenance the whole day. My poor master was in a high +fever all night; and I thought he strove to stifle his groans, that my +lady might not hear them. She did for all that; and I am sure every one +of them was worse than a dagger to her heart. She stole out of the room +several times for a minute, and I could hear her bursting into tears as +soon as she was without side the door; then she would come in again, and +sit by him, till her heart was again so full, she was forced to go out +to give it vent. The whole night passed over in this dismal way. + +When my master's head was examined the next day, my brother found that +the skull was not touched where he had received the cut, but that it was +broke in two other places, and in so dangerous a way, that it was +impossible to save his life, as it was not in a part where he could be +trepanned. The other surgeon, who found he had been mistaken at first, +now joined with my brother in opinion that the world could not save my +master's life. Oh! madam, if you had seen my lady when this was declared +to her! I shall never forget her looks. I remember a piece of fine +painting at your house, which I used to hear your family commend +mightily. It was the picture of despair. My lady put me in mind of this +piece; she had the very countenance of it; but I think, if she had then +sat to a painter, he could have made a stronger and more heart-breaking +look even than that picture has. + +Such another dismal day and night I believe never was passed in this +house. My brother staid with us, though he could do but little service, +except to watch my poor master, for he was between whiles quite out of +his reason-- + +No rest did my lady take all last night. She could not be got out of the +room; she has tasted nothing these two days, nor slept a wink these two +nights--She will destroy herself--What will become of us?--I have wrote +to my lady Bidulph, to let her know the deplorable condition we are all +in--My God! what will become of the poor children, if my lady goes on at +this rate! She cannot hold out to be sure, such a load of sorrow at her +heart, without nourishment or sleep--Oh! my good madam, I am not able to +go on with my task--We have not the least hopes in the world--My master +grows worse and worse every hour: he has his reason now, and is sensible +that he is dying. Heaven knows, if I could lay down my life to save his, +how gladly would I do it! I should be no loss, but he will be a grievous +one-- + +Lord help me! I am not able to go on--I have writ this by bits and +scraps-- + + [_Mr Main in continuation_]. + + _May 16, Three o'clock in the Morning._ + +Mr Arnold had been delirious the greatest part of yesterday; but about +six o'clock in the evening, having come a little to his senses, he was +conscious that he was going fast, and desired that prayers might be read +by him. His lady sent for the minister of the parish, but he was gone to +London: the gentleman whom he had left to do his duty, was taken ill the +night before, and was not able to leave his bed. He sent the messager +that went for him, to another clergyman, who lived about four miles +farther off, to request he would attend in his stead; but he was engaged +on the same duty in his own parish, and could not come, he said, till +next morning. The servant had wasted above two hours on this errand; it +was nine o'clock when he returned. Mr Arnold during this interval had +had several ramblings; but was now again a little composed, though +apparently worse. I whispered the apothecary, who just then came in, +that he could not live 'till morning. Mrs Arnold observed me, and begged +to know what I said. I told her tenderly, that I feared Mr Atkins (that +was the clergyman's name) would arrive too late, if he deferred his +visit 'till next day. + +She made me no answer, but seemed to study a little; then went +composedly to Mr Arnold's bed-side. My dear, said she, Mr Downs is +unluckily from home; his assistant is sick in bed; and we cannot tonight +get any other clergyman to visit you: but as you are desirous of +offering up your prayers to Almighty God, I hope it will not be improper +if I read the service for the sick by you. He stretched out his hand +towards her, and said, in a faint, yet eager voice, Do, do, my good +angel! Tears stood in the lady's eyes as she turned from him; but she +quickly wiped them off, and requested of me and the apothecary to join +with her in the solemn office she was going to perform, which she said, +though she was sensible it was an irregular act, yet she hoped, from the +necessity of the case, would be accepted in the sight of God. + +She ordered my sister to fetch her a prayer-book; and then kneeled down +at Mr Arnold's bed-side. + +Surely nothing ever appeared so graceful; her fine hands and her fine +eyes lifted up to heaven, while the book lay open before her on a little +table. Such a reverential, such an ardent, yet such a mournful +supplication in those fine eyes! She looked like something more than +human! After having in this posture offered up a short petition in +silence, she began the service. + +Never did I see true devotion before; the fervor of her looks, and the +tone of her voice was such, you would have thought she beheld her +Creator with her bodily eyes. For my part, I looked on her with such +reverence, that she appeared to me like an angel, interceding for us +poor mortal sinners. + +She went through the office with admirable strength of mind (omitting +the exhortation) 'till she came to that part of the prayer, which says, +'yet for as much as in all appearance the time of his dissolution +draweth nigh, &c'. Here her voice faultered, and she stopped; but soon +recovered herself, and proceeded with an unbroken tone to the end. Every +one present wept but herself. She thanked us for our kindness in +staying, and begged we would continue by poor Mr Arnold, while there was +the least possibility of administering any relief to him. + +I told her I would most willingly obey her commands, and sit up all the +night with him, though it was not in human power to give him any +assistance. + +She repeated her thanks, and then sitting down by the bed-side, remained +composed and silent. + +About twelve o'clock, finding Mr Arnold speechless, I entreated her to +retire to her own chamber, and if she could not sleep, to take some +little refreshment; for she had taken nothing that whole day, nor for +the two preceding ones, but a dish of tea which my sister had forced on +her. + +Mr Main, said she, suffer me to continue a little longer; my task will +soon be over. I was unwilling to urge her; and she remained sitting in +her place. + +About two o'clock, we heard Mr Arnold give a deep groan: He is gone, +said she, and started off her chair. I stepped to his bed-side, and +found indeed he had breathed his last. She snatched up one of his hands +that lay upon the coverlid of the bed, held it for near a minute to her +lips, and then, without any audible token of grief, went out of the +room. + +I pray God to support and comfort this excellent woman. + + + [_Patty in continuation_]. + + +Amen! Amen!--Sure my dear unhappy lady is enough to break one's heart to +see her. I was not able to go on, good madam, and begged of my brother +to set down what happened, and he has put it in better words than I +could. My lady shut herself up for the remainder of the night, and would +not suffer any one to come near her; it is easy to guess how she spent +her time: rest, to be sure, she took none; she could not, if she had +been inclined; for there was no bed in the chamber where she locked +herself up. In the morning, a lady, who is our neighbour, a worthy good +woman, came in her own coach, and took away my lady and the two +children. She neither consented nor refused; but seemed to let us do +what we would with her; for she said nothing, but suffered the lady and +me to lead her down stairs, and put her into the coach. But the sight of +the two children, threw her into such an agony, that I thought I should +have died on the spot only with seeing her. + +I have writ again to lady Bidulph: if she is able, to be sure she will +come down; but I had rather she would send for my lady, for this is a +sorrowful place for her to stay in. + + + _May 20_ + +My lady has received a message from her mother, desiring her to come to +town directly with the children. She says she is not able to come down +for her, as her health is but bad; and my lady V---- has been so good as +to send down her own coach to carry the little family to town. + +My brother has taken the care of my master's funeral upon himself. He is +to be carried to the family burying place at Arnold-Abbey. As soon as +that is over, we must try to get my lady to town; she has no business to +go into her own lonely house again; it would be enough to kill her. + + + _May 30_ + +Thank God we have got back safe to London. My lady keeps up wonderfully, +under the load of grief that she has at her heart. She does not complain +nor lament herself, as I have seen some do, who have not been in half +her trouble. She hardly spoke a word during her whole journey, and +strove as much as possible not to cry; but I could observe that she +never turned her eyes on the two little babes, one of whom sat on my +lap, and the other beside me, but the tears ran down her cheeks. + +It was a doleful sight, the meeting between her and my lady Bidulph. The +poor old lady grieves sadly, and looks mighty ill: I am afraid she will +not hold out long; she has had great trials, for a lady so far in +years. Sir George came to see my lady; he looked troubled: I hope he +will be good to her. + + + _June 1_ + +My lady asked me this morning if I had thought of keeping any journal +for this fortnight past. I told her I had, and she desired to see it. +She shed so many tears while she read it, that the paper was quite wet +when she gave it to me again. She ordered me to make up the packet, and +send it off, as she was not in a condition to add any thing to it +herself. + + + [_Mrs Arnold in continuation_]. + + + _June 20_ + +Yes, my dear Cecilia, I have need of the tender condolements, with which +your last packet was filled. Well may you call me a child of affliction; +I am now so exercised in sorrows, that I look forward to nothing else. + +Patty, I find, has been a faithful journalist; and has carried down her +melancholy narrative to this day: this day, on which, for the first +time, I have taken a pen in my hand for more than two months; but my +eyes are much better, and I hope I shall not have occasion for the +assistance of her pen, unless some new calamity should again disqualify +me from using my own. + +Yet in the midst of my griefs, ought I not to return thanks to heaven, +that I have such an asylum to fly to, as the arms of one of the best of +mothers? Oh! my dear, while I have her, I ought not to say, that I have +lost every thing. Sir George has been more obliging since my fatal loss +than he was before; but still there wants that cordial heart which he +formerly had. As for his lady, I know very little of her. She came to +see me twice since my arrival in town, in all the formal parade of a +state visit. How ill does the vanity of pomp suit with a house of +mourning! Her visits were short, formal, and cold. She seems to be +intolerably proud, and I thought looked as if she was disgusted at +visiting people in lodgings, who were so nearly related to her. My +brother and she are to go down this summer into Scotland, to see a +nobleman who is her uncle by her mother's side. She is ridiculously vain +of her family, and has taught Sir George to be so too; so that now he +hardly vouchsafes to own a relation that is untitled. + + + _June 21_ + +Lady V----, whose friendship has been one of the chief resources of +comfort to me, went out of town this morning. She is retired, for life I +fear, to a distant part of Lancashire, in order to spend the rest of her +days with her eldest sister, a widow lady, of whom she is very fond. Her +son's ill behaviour has disgusted her so, she has broke with him +intirely. Her younger son is gone into the army, not, I find, with her +approbation: and she told me, she has nothing now worth living for, at +least nothing for which she should subject herself to the cares of life. +She insisted on my corresponding with her; and renewed her assurances of +that kind attachment, which I have already so strongly experienced. + +At another time the loss of this dear woman's society would have +affected me more sensibly; but I am so inured to disappointment and +grief, that I am almost become a stoic. + +Patty has already informed you, that Miss Burchell is often with us; she +is more sollicitous, more assiduous than ever in her attendance on my +mother. I find she even sat up with her two nights, on an illness which +seized her on her first hearing the news of my misfortune. Poor girl! My +mother tells me she went so far as to express her apprehensions on my +being again single; but my mother quieted her fears on that head (not +without a soft reprimand for her doubting), by putting her in mind, that +besides the circumstances not being altered in regard to her, she had +received my solemn promise, that, whenever it was in my power, I would +use my whole influence (whatever that might be) in her favour. I did +make her such a promise, and shall fulfil it to the utmost. + +Mr Faulkland's absence from the kingdom hitherto put it out of my power; +nor would I, without my beloved Mr Arnold's participation, have ever +attempted it. Had he lived, fully restored as I was to his confidence +and good opinion, I should have ventured to disclose the secret to him, +and got him to join with me in such measures, as I should have thought +best for Miss Burchell's happiness. It now rests upon myself alone, and +I will leave nothing unattempted to serve her. + + + _June 22_ + +You will be surprized perhaps, my Cecilia, when I tell you that Mr +Faulkland is now in England. Miss Burchell told me so this day. She +mentioned it in a careless manner, rather directing her discourse to my +mother. She had too much delicacy to hint at consequences of any kind +from this circumstance, and quickly turned from the subject. My mother +asked her impatiently, when he came; where he was; and several other +questions; to none of which she could give any answer, but that she +heard he had been returned above three months and was at his seat in +Hertfordshire. I am surprized Sir George never mentioned this to me: to +be sure he knew it; he is not extremely nice in his notions; however, +this is a decorum for which I am obliged to him. Lady V---- doubtless +was ignorant of it, or she would have told me. + +There is nothing now to prevent me from warmly interfering for Miss +Burchell. Charming young woman! how is she to be pitied! The tedious +years of suspence, of almost hopeless love, that she has passed, deserve +a recompence; and her little boy, my mother tells me, is a lovely +creature. Miss Burchell brought him once to see my mother; Mr +Faulkland's former house-keeper visits the child often, and has brought +his mother frequent and large supplies for his use. + +I told Miss Burchell, at parting to-day, that I had not forgot my +promise; and that, as soon as decency would permit, nothing should +hinder me from being a most strenuous advocate for her. She squeezed my +hand, and whispered, dear madam, my fate is in your power! + +I would it were, then should she soon be happy. But I will acquit myself +as far as I am able. + + + _June 23_ + +I was prevailed on to dine at my brother's to-day, the first time that I +have been abroad ever since I came to town. I had no mind to go; but my +mother, not being well, had excused herself; and she said, it would be +taken amiss if I did so too, lady Sarah herself having made the +invitation. Her ladyship said, I need not be fearful of meeting +strangers at her house, as it was to be a private day. So much the +better, thought I; nothing else should induce me to go. + +It was the first time I ever was in Sir George's house, which is a very +magnificent one, within a door or two of Mr Faulkland's, in St +James's-Square, as lady Sarah did not approve of that which he had +before. But, my dear, the ostentation of this woman made me sick; such a +parade of grandeur, such an unnecessary display of state and splendor, I +thought, looked like an insult upon me. I was carried into a most +sumptuous drawing-room; but as this was a private day, as she called +it, the furniture was all covered up with body-cloths; and the room, +having been newly washed, felt extremely cold. + +I was told her ladyship was dressing, though it was then, as I imagined, +her dinner-time. After I had shivered here for about half an hour, lady +Sarah's woman came to desire me to walk up stairs. As the woman did not +know me, and, from the little ceremony she saw me treated with, +concluded I was some humble visitor, she took me up the back stairs to +her lady's dressing-room, where I found lady Sarah, who was not yet half +dressed, in consultation with her millener. The woman was trying some +head-dresses on her before the glass. She made me a very slight apology +for having kept me waiting so long; and, to mend the matter, told me, as +she was not near ready, if I chose looking at the house, I should have +time enough to do it before dinner. I thanked her; but said, I had +already sat so long in the cold, that I felt myself chilled; and, with +her ladyship's permission, would place myself at her fire-side till +dinner was ready. She asked her woman, carelessly, why I had not been +shewn into the dining-parlour. She then turned to her millener again, to +whom she gave a particular charge to have a suit of very rich point, +which she had fixed on, done up for her against the next night; by which +I found my sister was going to throw off her mourning intirely; that +which she had on being so slight, that it was scarcely to be +distinguished for such. + +My brother entered the room while she was thus employed; and having +saluted me, looked at his watch, and asked lady Sarah, had she ordered +dinner later than usual? She told him, she had ordered it half an hour +later than ordinary, as she had a mind to make a long morning, having +dedicated it to trades-people, with whom she had a hundred things to +settle. My brother cast a side-glance at me: I thought he looked a +little abashed at the impertinence and ill-breeding of his wife. + +Lady Sarah had by this time huddled on her cloaths: a laced footman +appeared at the door, who summoned us, by a silent bow, to dinner. + +The millener gathered up her frippery, and put them into a band-box; +telling her, she would wait on her ladyship again. Lady Sarah answered, +You have got a monstrous way to go, Mrs--(I forget the name); and, as I +have not half done with you yet, you may stay and dine here, as we are +alone, and I will look over the rest of the things in the evening, as I +shall not have another leisure day while I am in town. + +This was going a little too far: Sir George felt it. I believe, lady +Sarah, said he, this gentlewoman has a coach waiting for her at the door +(he had seen it, for he was but just come in); perhaps it may be +inconvenient to detain her: she may leave the things, and call another +time. The woman took the hint, though she before seemed inclined to +accept of the honour lady Sarah had done her. She made her curt'sey, and +withdrew. As this, however, had brought on a variety of fresh +instructions, it detained us so long, that the dinner was quite cold; +nor was our repast, had it even been warm, by any means answerable to +the elegance of the service, the superb sideboard, and the number of +attendants. In short, the dinner was composed of a parcel of tossed-up +dishes, that looked like the fragments of a feast. You know there is +nobody more indifferent to the pleasures of the table than I am; yet I +own that this, joined to the rest of this foolish woman's behaviour, +nettled me extremely. There was such a mixture of sordidness and vanity +in the whole apparatus, as made it truly contemptible. + +I made haste to put an end to my visit, as soon as I possibly could +after dinner, with a resolution never to repeat it. + +From these few sketches of lady Sarah, you may form some kind of an idea +of what sort of creature it is. I should pity Sir George, but that I +think her disposition is not extremely opposite to his own. + + + _June 24_ + +I am told that the widow Arnold is actually married to that vile +attorney who was the contriver, and more than partner, in her +iniquity. I am really glad she has lost the name of a family to which +she was a disgrace. Every-body now believes that I and my children +have been greatly injured; but how unavailing is compassion; it only +mortifies, when it is expressed by the pitying words and looks of +people, who have it neither in their power nor inclination to assist +you. This Mrs Arnold, bad as she is, is visited and caressed. Favour +always follows the fortunate. + + + _June 25_ + +This day Sir George and his lady set out for Scotland. He came to +take his leave of us; but made an apology for lady Sarah, whose hurry +would not permit her to call on us. My brother says, they shall stay +some months at her uncle's, Lord K----. He told me, at parting, he +should write to me as soon as he got to his journey's end, having +something very particular to say to me. + + + _July 7_ + +I have read over my journal of the last fortnight, and am startled to +think what a poor insignificant being I am! Not a single act worth +recording, even to _you_. My whole life perhaps may have passed so; yet +one is apt to fancy, that they are doing something of importance, while +they are engaged in the little bustle of the world, be it in ever so +trifling a manner; and when you find you have a variety of incidents to +relate, in which you yourself were concerned, that your time has not +been spent in vain. But for these last fourteen days, had I kept a +journal for my cat, I think I should have had as much to say for her. + + + _July 8_ + + +I shall grow busy again: I have received the promised letter from Sir +George; an extraordinary one it is: but I will not anticipate the +contents; read them yourself. + + Dear Sidney, _July 4, 1706._ + + I have a serious subject to offer to your consideration, which + made me the rather chuse to engage your attention in this manner, + than in a conversation between ourselves; liable as that would be + to interruptions, objections, and frivolous punctilios, from which + you have already suffered so severely. + + I have paid so much regard to that decorum of which you are so + fond, as never to have mentioned Mr Faulkland's name to you since + you were become a widow, though it is near four months since he + returned to England. + + As I kept up a correspondence with him when he was abroad, you may + be sure I informed him of your reconciliation to your late + husband; a reconciliation, which, if you thought it a happiness to + you, you were indebted to Faulkland for. This single circumstance + it was that inclined him to return to England, which otherwise + perhaps he would never again have seen, though the necessity of + his affairs here, which he had left at random, required his + presence. To avoid giving umbrage to your husband, he repaired + privately to his house in the country, where I paid him a visit. + Few of his friends, except myself, knew of his being in the + kingdom. + + Remember, Sidney, the great obligations you have to Mr Faulkland, + and let that prepare your mind for what I am going to say. + + You are now become a free woman: Faulkland loves you still, with + an unparallel'd affection. I had a letter from him soon after your + arrival in town, wherein he mentions the revival of his hopes from + your present situation, and intreats me to be mindful of his + interest. He charged me, however, not to mention his name to you, + till a decent time was passed; otherwise probably you would have + been acquainted with these particulars sooner: but Faulkland + himself has a little too much of that ridiculous nicety which you + admire so. I think I have waited till a _very_ decent time, as you + have now been almost three months a widow. + + I have very little reason to imagine that _my_ influence, on this + occasion, will have any weight either with you or my mother: I + have had proofs of this already; but I hope you will not be so + blind to your own interest, as to refuse the good that fortune + once more throws at your feet. I can hardly suppose you so weak, + as to let the absurd objection, which formerly prevented your + happiness, still prevail with you to reject the same happiness, so + unexpectedly again offered to your acceptance. + + My mother and you have by this time learnt how to forgive _human + frailties_. Indeed you forgave such enormities, that Faulkland's + transgression, in comparison of them, was innocence. But I will + not reproach the memory of the dead. + + Whatever pretence you might formerly have had to carry your + punctilios to an extraordinary height, certain circumstances in + your life have now made your situation very different. You are + destitute of fortune, incumbered with children. Reflect on this, + and let your own imagination supply the rest. To any-body but + yourself, I should think all that I have said needless; but I know + the minds that I have to deal with. + + I must take this opportunity of telling you, that I am surprized + at my mother's continued attachment to Miss Burchell; she is an + artful creature, and, I think, by no means a proper acquaintance + for you. I am far from wishing to injure her; but such an intimacy + may be dangerous. + + You will certainly hear from Faulkland before it be long. I repeat + it again, You owe him more than ever you will be able to repay: + the recompence he deserves will ensure your own happiness and + prosperity: your gratitude, as well as your prudence, will now be + put to the test, and your conduct, on this occasion, will + determine me as to the light in which I shall henceforth consider + you. + + Present my duty to my mother. Lady Sarah desires her service may + be accepted. + + I am, &c. + +What a letter is this, my sister! But Sir George is still himself; +gross; void of sentiment: he dreams of nothing but the glaring +advantages that fortune and rank in life procure. And how he argues +too! Weak arguer! He _will not suppose that the objection_ (absurd +he calls it), _which formerly prevented my happiness, should still +prevail with me to reject the same happiness_--Why not? Is the +nature of Mr Faulkland's offence changed? Has he ever repaired it? +Has not Miss Burchell the same claim she ever had? Nay, a stronger +than ever, if years of unabated love can give it her? _My mother and +I have by this time learnt to forgive human frailties; nay, we forgave +enormities_--Unkind brother, to rake up the unfortunate ashes of my +beloved. We have, indeed, learnt to forgive human frailties; but they +were the frailties of a husband, a repenting husband, who was seduced to +the commission of those crimes which he abhorred: but surely that is no +plea for my overlooking the faults of another, to whom I am under no +such tie. I am now _without fortune, and incumbered with children_. +Indelicate man! does he think _that_ an argument in favour of his +proposal? It is a strong one against it. Shall I, who, when I was in the +virgin-bloom of youth, flattered with some advantages of person, which +time and grief have since impaired, and not destitute of fortune; I, who +then rejected Mr Faulkland from motives which still subsist; shall I, +now that I have lost those advantages, meanly condescend to accept of +this rejected man? This would, indeed, be acknowleging, that the +humiliating change had levelled me to those principles which I formerly +contemned; would lay me under mortifying obligations to Mr Faulkland, +and destroy the merit of that refusal which proceeded from such +justifiable motives. + +No, my sordid brother! if I _could_ recompence Mr Faulkland as he +deserves at my hands, I _would_ do it; but, with such a mind as I bear, +it cannot be done your way. I say nothing of the promise I made Miss +Burchell; if I had never made her such, my sentiments would be the same +from those other considerations; but such a promise, binding as it is, +determined my conduct beyond the possibility of a doubt. + +How unreasonable are Sir George's prejudices with regard to this unhappy +young creature! He is for ever throwing out some invective against her. +It is cruel; but I am tempted to forgive him, as I know it proceeds from +his attachment to his friend. He need not put me in mind of the +gratitude I owe Mr Faulkland; I am thoroughly sensible of it; but Sir +George and I differ widely in our ideas of expressing this gratitude. My +_conduct in this affair is to determine him as to the light in which he +is hereafter to consider me_. Why, be it so. He has long lost the +tenderness of a brother for me; I will not regain it at the expence of +my honour. I know the worst that can befall me is poverty. I have +already experienced almost every possible ill in life but that, and for +that I am prepared. But I will not call myself poor while I have an +upright heart to support me; and the means, poor and despicable as they +are, of sustaining life. But what do I call despicable? Have I not an +estate, my dear, a whole fifty pounds a year, that I can call my own? +This much was reserved to me out of my jointure when the rest was sold; +and on this, whenever it pleases heaven to take my mother away, will I +retire to some cottage in a cheap country, where my two children and I +will live, and smile at the rich and the great. + +My brother's letter has vexed and disgusted me exceedingly. _Lady Sarah +presents her service._ Vain woman! is that a becoming phrase to the +mother of her husband? I am so provoked, I think I shall not answer him: +he has no relish for such arguments as I could produce in support of my +own opinions, and my writing to him would only bring on disagreeable +altercations. My mother is in a downright passion with him: Selfish +wretch! she called him; and said, he would sacrifice both honour and +justice to his own pride. + + + _July 19_ + +Miss Burchell; poor soul, how I pity her! Her anxiety increases every +hour. She, you may be sure, keeps a look-out on all Mr Faulkland's +motions; for, she tells me, she hears he is arrived in town. I suppose I +shall receive a notice of some kind or other from him. The unhappy +girl; she grieves me to see her! There was never so extravagant a love +as her's: she has nourished it in solitude, and I believe has a heart +naturally tender to an uncommon degree; otherwise she could not, +for so long a time, and with so little hopes, have preserved so +undiminished a fondness; but some accidents have, I know not how, +combined to feed this flame. She acknowleges that Mr Faulkland's +being disappointed in espousing me, gave the first encouragement to +her hopes; for, she said, she had reason to believe that I was the only +woman in the world that stood between her and her happiness; and +Mr Faulkland's remaining single ever since, confirmed her in that +opinion. Then the generous attention that he paid to her welfare, in +recommending her to my mother's notice, when he first left England; +the noble supplies that he constantly furnished her with ever since for +the child's use; his behaviour to Mrs Gerrarde, who, she says, is the +most ensnaring of creatures; the tender manner that he mentioned +her in his letter to my brother; my mother's constantly indulging her +in the belief that she would one day recover Mr Faulkland's +affections: all these circumstances, I say, joined together, have kept +alive the warmest and most romantic love I ever saw or heard of. Well +may the men say, that forsaken women are always the most passionate +lovers: it may be so, and Miss Burchell is one instance of the truth of +this observation; but I think _I_ should never make another. There is +something to me unaccountable in this; but Miss Burchell is all made +up of languishments and softness. I have heard her speak of Mr +Faulkland in so rapturous a strain as has amazed me; and she once +owned to me, that she is sure she must have died, if he had not +returned her love! Return it! Ah! my Cecilia, how did he return it? +How mortifying is her situation! to be compelled to court the man +who flies her, and to make use of a rival's mediation too! but let me +forget that name; I am no longer so to her, and shall do my best to +prove it. She wearied me with importunities to write to Mr +Faulkland, now he is come to town; but I beseeched her to have a +little patience, till some overture was first made by him toward a +renewal of our acquaintance, which, I told her, it was very probable I +should soon receive. You may be sure I took care not to let her know +of the intimation I had from Sir George. She seems fearful of my +seeing Mr Faulkland. Oh! madam, said she, if he beholds your face +again, I am undone, unless you can first prevail with him--She +stopped. 'I understand you, dear Miss Burchell; I give you my word I +will not see Mr Faulkland, unless I am first convinced I can restore +him to you.' 'How good you are, madam! your influence, all potent as +it is, can work miracles. If Mr Faulkland is _sure_ you will never be his, +perhaps he may return to his _first_ love.' My dear, ought she to have +said so? But it is no matter; it is nothing to me now, who was his first +or second love. + + + _July 20_ + +It has happened to my wish; a billet from Mr Faulkland, sent with +compliments and how-do-ye's, to my mother and me. Miss Burchell, +who almost lives with us, was present when I received it: her colour +came and went several times while our servant delivered his message. +I gave the letter into her hand as soon as I had read it. There is +nothing alarming in it, madam, said I; see yourself; only a few +friendly lines, such as I might expect. Her hands shook while she +held the paper. Now, madam, said she, returning it; now you have a +charming opportunity of writing to him. I shall not fail, said I, to +make use of it, and will let you see what I write. + +These are the contents of Mr Faulkland's letter: + + Will you, madam, permit a forgotten, though not the least zealous + of your friends, to enquire after your welfare? Forgive me, if I + renew your grief, when I tell you, that, as I must participate in + every thing that relates to you, I have deeply mourned with you on + the late calamity that has befallen you. When Lady Bidulph opens + her doors to her general acquaintance; if I may presume to mingle + in the crowd, and kiss her hands, I shall esteem it as a + particular honour; but will not, without her permission, attempt + it. She is too good to refuse me this indulgence: you, madam, I + hope, will not forbid it to + + The humblest, and + most devoted of your servants, + + _Wednesday ORLANDO FAULKLAND. + morning._ + +Yes, Orlando, I must forbid you; I know the consequences of thy +insidious visits. I'll try you to the quick. You have given me an +opportunity of writing to you (I think) without any impropriety. Miss +Burchell's interest is uppermost in my wishes, and I will at least try +what my influence on this romantic wayward heart can effect. + +How happy should I think myself, if _my_ mediation, _all potent_ as she +called it, would have the desired success! + + + _July 21_ + +I wrote to Mr Faulkland last night: my mother approved of the letter, +which I shewed her before I sent it. Mr Faulkland was abroad when +it was left at his house; but as I received an answer to it early this +morning, I will give you copies of the two letters together; and first +that of mine to Mr Faulkland. + + I thank you, sir, thank you from my heart, for your friendship, + and beg you will not think me ungrateful for having thus long + deferred to pay you my acknowlegements for the signal favours I + have received at your hands. I am sensible, Sir, that it was owing + to your compassion, your generosity, and disinterested nobleness + of mind, that I was once indebted for the greatest blessing of my + life. To you I owe the vindicating of my suspected faith, and the + being restored to the affection of my dear husband. For this + goodness I have never ceased to bless and pray for you, and shall + continue to do so while I live. But oh! Sir, while you have given + _me_ so much cause for gratitude and esteem, why will you leave + one heart to sigh for your unkindness? a heart that admires, that + loves, that adores you! a heart worthy of your acceptance, and + which has a right to demand all your tenderness. Need I name the + amiable possessor of this heart? I need not; there is but one + woman in the world who owns this description: for her let me + become an advocate; she has won me to her party: indeed. Sir, she, + and she only, deserves your love. Her's, I am sure, you have ever + possessed unrivalled, though her youth, beauty, and charming + accomplishments, must have made her the object of every one's + wishes who saw her. 'Tis above four years since you first won her + virgin affections. What has been her portion since that fatal + time? Tears, solitude, and unremitting anguish. How can a mind + like yours, susceptible as it is of pity for the woes of others, + condemn _such_ a woman to perpetual sorrow? How can that + generosity, which has been so active on other occasions, droop and + languish where there is _such_ a cause to call forth all its + exertions? + + Do, Mr Faulkland, permit pity to plead in your bosom for the dear + Miss Burchell. I should urge paternal affection too; but to the + voice of nature you cannot be deaf. Your sweet little son calls + upon you to do him and his mother justice; the injured lady + herself implores your compassion; my mother, who equally admires + and loves her, intreats you; I, whom you once esteemed, conjure + you; the secret monitor in your own soul must join in our + sollicitations. Why, then, why will you shut your ears against + the united voice of reason, of conscience, and of gratitude? You + cannot, you will not do it. Miss Burchell's merit and sufferings + must be rewarded; and I shall bless Mr Faulkland as the guardian + of the injured, the patron of the afflicted, the assertor of his + own, as well as of my honour. This is the light, and this only, in + which I shall rejoice to see him. + + + _Mr_ FAULKLAND's _Answer_ + + You do well, Madam, you do well to anticipate my suit; and, with + so much cruel eloquence, to bid me despair. Yes, I see Miss + Burchell has won you to her party; but what have I done to merit + such a malevolent fate, that you, you of all created beings, + should become _her_ advocate? I little thought Mrs Arnold would + make such a barbarous use of her power. Tell me, thou dear tyrant, + how have I deserved this? Would it not have been kinder to have + said at once, Faulkland, do not hope; I never will be yours; I + hate, I despise you, and leave you to your fate? Oh! no; you are + artful in your cruelty; you would prevent even my wishes, and cut + off my hopes in their blossom, before they dare to unfold + themselves to you. + + But you have furnished me with weapons against yourself, and I + will use them with as little mercy as you have shewn to me. If + four years are past since I won Miss Burchell's affections, is it + not also _as_ long that I have loved you with an ardor--Oh thou + insensible! Were you not mine by your own consent, with your + mother's approbation? Was not the day, the hour fixed, that I was + to have led you to the altar? Miss Burchell's hopes were never + raised to such a pitch as mine, when an avenging fiend snatched + the promised blessing from my grasp. Think what were then my + sufferings. I saw you afterwards in the arms of another. Miss + Burchell never suffered _such_ torture. Had I seen you _happy_, I + might have been consoled. If Miss Burchell loved me as I have + loved you, she would rejoice in the prospect of my felicity. I + should have done so in your's, Heaven is my witness! Had you been + happy, I should not have thought myself miserable, though you were + lost to my hopes. + + Why do you compel me to urge an ungrateful truth in regard to Miss + Burchell? Madam, she has no claim to my vows: my gratitude, my + compassion, she has an ample right to, and she has them. More + might by this time have been her's, if I had never seen Mrs + Arnold. + + Remember, I do not yet desire permission to throw myself at your + feet; I revere you too much to make such a request; but do not + banish me your presence. I cannot always be proof against such + rigours. Indulge me at least in the hope that time may do + something in my favour. I will not desire you to tell me so; but + do not forbid it. Lady Bidulph knows I respect her; but she is + still obdurate. If _she_ relented, would not _you_ madam, do so + too? + I am, &c. + +How this man distresses me, my dear! What a difficult task have I +undertaken! yet I will go through with it. I am fearful of letting Miss +Burchell see his answer, so discouraging as it is for her; yet how can I +withhold it from her sight? 'Tis necessary I should conceal nothing from +her on this occasion; she confides in me, and I must not give her cause +for suspicion. _She has no right to his vows._ This he always said. It +is necessary the lady should be quite explicit with me. I doubt she has +not been altogether sincere in what she has said to my mother on this +subject. I shall see her presently, and discourse with her more +particularly on this head than I have ever yet done.... + +I have had a conference with Miss Burchell, a long one, and in private; +for I told my mother I wished to talk with her alone. + +I began with shewing her Mr Faulkland's last letter. It had the effect I +expected. She was exceedingly shocked. I laid my finger on that +paragraph, _She has no right to my vows_. It is necessary, my dear +madam, said I, that you should be perfectly open and candid with me on +this head. I have entered the lists for you, and will not give up your +cause; but it depends on you to furnish me with every possible argument +in your favour. If you mislead me by wrong insinuations, instead of +putting it in my power to serve you, you will only create to yourself +fresh obstacles. + +It is a nice subject, madam, and what I have ever been cautious of +touching upon to you; but in the present situation of your affairs, it +is of the utmost importance to you, that you should have no reserves to +me. When Mr Faulkland first recommended you to my mother's acquaintance, +he referred her to your honour, for an explanation of certain points, of +so delicate a nature, that I am loath to touch upon them. But pardon me, +dear Miss Burchell, you must be open with me. Mr Faulkland was obliged +to declare, in his own justification, that he never sought to gain your +affections; and was so far from endeavouring to take advantage of the +kind sentiments you had for him, that he avoided all opportunities of +improving them; that he was even surprized into the fatal step, which +has since made you so unhappy, by the artifices of that vile woman, who +had the care of you. + +Mr Faulkland relied so intirely on your candour, that, as I told you +before, he referred my mother to you, for a confirmation of the truth of +what he advanced; imagining that your testimony would in some measure +extenuate his fault. My mother, I have reason to believe, has heard the +story from you in a light less favourable to Mr Faulkland. I was married +before she received any information on this subject from you; and as any +extenuation on Mr Faulkland's side was then become a matter of +indifference to me, I enquired not into particulars; but by what I could +judge from my mother's discourse then, and from hints which she has many +times dropped since, I am inclined to believe, that either Mr Faulkland +concealed some particulars, or that you, from a delicacy very natural to +a young lady in such circumstances, chose to draw a veil over some parts +of your story. But, dear madam, all disguises must now be thrown aside; +depend upon it, your candour will more effectually recommend you to Mr +Faulkland's esteem, than any thing else; and, perhaps, your justifying +him to _me_, may be no immaterial circumstance in your favour. + +Variety of passions discovered themselves on her face while I spoke, but +shame was predominant. She was mute, and hung down her head. I took her +by the hand, Do not think, my dear, I mean to ensnare you; far be such +perfidy from my heart! Have I not promised you my assistance? I declare, +by every thing that is sacred, you shall have it to the utmost stretch +of my power; but do not let a false bashfulness stand between you and +sincerity; you will stop up the way to your own happiness if you do. +Speak, dear madam, has Mr Faulkland been just in his representations? + +She burst into a flood of tears: Oh! madam, you read my very soul; what +disguise can I make use of, before such penetrating eyes as yours? Yes, +Mr Faulkland _has_ spoke the truth, shameful as the confession is for +me, I own it. Mrs Gerrarde, base woman! betrayed me; my own mad passion +did the rest. Mr Faulkland told me, a few days after the fatal meeting, +that he was the most miserable man on earth for what had happened: he +said, there was a lady in the world to whom he was bound to offer his +hand; that her brother was his particular friend; that his marriage was +then actually negotiating; and he was pressed on that occasion to return +to London. He owned he had never seen the lady, but as his honour was +engaged to her brother, he could not look upon himself as a free man. He +cursed his ill fate, that he had not had an opportunity of informing me +of this sooner; which, he said, might have prevented me from casting +away my affection on a man, who could not deserve it. What could I say, +madam? There was no room for reproaches or complaints. I made none; I +had nobody to accuse but myself. I had declared my frantic love to Mr +Faulkland unasked; I had implored his in return: in one dreadful moment +I fell a sacrifice to my own weakness. The only hope that now remained +for me, was built on that circumstance of Mr Faulkland's having never +seen his destined bride. Had I known you, madam, to have been the +person, there could have sprung but small comfort from that +consideration; but ignorant as I was of the lady's merit, I thought it +not impossible but that some objection might have arisen either to her +person or temper; or the lady, perhaps, (though that I thought almost +incredible) might not approve of Mr Faulkland: in either case, some +glimmerings of hope remained for me. Mr Faulkland's generous compassion +for me, gave me room to think he did not hate me, and I was unwilling to +lose the little interest I thought I had gained in his heart, by _fond +complainings_, much less upbraidings, for which he had given me no +cause. I therefore acquiesced, determined to wait for what my fate was +to do with me; resolving privately in my own mind, that in case Mr +Faulkland's intended nuptials should not take place, to remind him of my +love. I did not confess to my aunt what had been the result of that +interview, which she had contrived between Mr Faulkland and me: shame +would not suffer me to indulge it. But it was not long in my power to +conceal it: I believe indeed, she suspected it before. She reproached me +for the error which she herself had caused; but I believe, what most +nettled her was Mr Faulkland's having escaped the snare; for I am sure +she would have been base enough to have had me retain him as a lover, +though I could not secure him for a husband; for he was not the first, +that this bad woman would have seduced me to favour, for her own private +interest. + +In the midst of the horror, into which the condition I found myself +threw me, I heard that Mr Faulkland was on the point of being married. + +<p>The prospect I had before me drove me to despair. I knew I could not +remain long in my uncle's house. I knew not whither to fly. In my +distraction I wrote to Mr Faulkland: You, madam, saw the letter, that +ill-fated letter, which deprived Mr Faulkland of his happiness. + +I soon received an answer, wherein Mr Faulkland related to me at large +the unfortunate consequences that letter had produced. He lamented, in +the tenderest manner, my unhappy situation; told me, he would provide me +a proper place for my retreat; and, as I was an entire stranger in +London, having never been there, would recommend me to the notice of one +of the best of women, lady Bidulph, from whom, as my unhappy story was +known to her, I might expect the utmost humanity. And here, madam, with +blushes let me own it, he urged me not to conceal a single circumstance +of the truth from that lady. + +'You know, said he, my dear Miss Burchell, I am not a seducer; rescue me +from that black suspicion; and, as far as the unhappy case will admit, +clear my honour to lady Bidulph. See what a reliance I have on _your_ +honour, when I trust the vindicating of my own to you, in such delicate +circumstances. He concluded his letter with telling me frankly, that +though he had been rejected by Miss Bidulph, he loved her with such an +ardent passion, that it was impossible for him ever to think of any +other woman; and till he had a heart to bestow, he should never +entertain a thought of marriage.' + +You know Mr Faulkland at this juncture went abroad; and thus was I +circumstanced when I came to that house, which he had provided for me. +And so frank and noble were his proceedings, that I solemnly declare, I +was determined, though at the hazard of divulging my own shame, to have +acquitted him to the utmost of my power to lady Bidulph; and should have +rejoiced, could I have been the means of procuring him the happiness he +deserved, in regaining your favour; as I had been, though unknowingly, +the unlucky cause of his losing it. But fortune had disposed of you +otherwise, before I saw lady Bidulph. This she quickly informed me of, +and I will own to you, madam, that as I found there was now an +insuperable bar to Mr Faulkland's hopes, I was mean enough not to have +the courage to speak truth. I saw it could not avail him, in regard to +his prospects with you. Lady Bidulph's eye awed me; yet I think she led +me into a justification of myself, so great were her prejudices against +Mr Faulkland. Or, perhaps, having already disposed of you in marriage, +in vindication of this step, she did not wish to be undeceived. Yes, +again, in spite of my confusion, I must repeat it, I was not sincere; I +threw out such hints to lady Bidulph, as must have made her think Mr +Faulkland had taken pains to undo me: to this act of disingenuousness, +my sole motive was, that I might appear in a less culpable light in the +eyes of a lady of such strict virtue as your mother. By making her my +friend, I was in hopes one day of making you so too. Devoted, as Mr +Faulkland was, to the most charming woman in the world, I was not afraid +of his making a second choice. I thought, if he _were_ to be induced to +marry, he might, in time, be prevailed upon to turn his thoughts towards +me. In this hope I have dragged on so many tedious years. I was not +mistaken in my opinion, that he could find none worthy to succeed Mrs +Arnold in his heart. He loves you still, madam; but you have declared +you will never be his; he is still free; these are the circumstances +that nourish my hope. My heart is in your hand; I have made you mistress +of my dearest secret. Can you forgive me, madam? But you have an heroic +soul! Remember, Mrs Arnold, to your generosity I now trust what is +dearer to me than life. Should Mr Faulkland know, should lady Bidulph +know, how I have abused their confidence, I think I could not outlive +it. + +They never shall, madam, said I: I thank you for this frank +acknowlegement of your heart; such a proof of your confidence in me, I +should be a wretch to abuse; and I hope to make such a use of the candid +confession you have now made me, as will greatly promote your interest. + +And is it possible, madam, said she, you can yield up the interest you +have in Mr Faulkland without a pang? Oh! the exquisite charmer! and she +said it with such an emphasis, drawing out her breath in long sighs. But +you are heroic, as I said before: Nature did not mold your heart, as she +has done those of the rest of your sex. Who that was beloved by Mr +Faulkland, would yield him to another? Worlds! ten thousand worlds would +I give to be beloved by him as you are! but you are a prodigy of a +woman! I stopped Miss Burchell in her transports. There is less merit, +madam, than you ascribe to me in my conduct: I readily acquiesced under +my mother's rejection of Mr Faulkland, when he _had_ some interest in my +heart; but there is no self-denial in what I am now about to do for you. +My affections have long since changed their object, and now lie buried +with him in his grave. + +My tears here bore witness to the truth of what I said: Miss Burchell +wept too. Her mind was agitated; the confession she had made to me had +humbled her; her heart overflowed with fondness; I had filled her with +pleasing hopes: all these sensations combined together, melting her +into tenderness: she is made up of tears, and sighs, and romantic +wishes. + +I can now, said I, assure Mr Faulkland, that you have done him justice, +and that he is highly obliged to your candour. + +She interrupted me; But, madam, if he should know how _late_ my +acknowlegements came--He need not know it, said I; my mother shall not +know it either; leave every thing to my management, and depend upon my +word. She snatched my hand eagerly, and kissed it. + +But oh! madam, above all things, said she, let not Sir George Bidulph +know any thing of your intended goodness, in mediating for me. He hates +me, implacably he hates me. I upbraid him not for it: his strong +attachment to Mr Faulkland is the cause of it: he accuses me in his +heart of being the occasion (which I own I was, though ignorantly) of Mr +Faulkland's disappointment. I am sure, were he to know what you design +in my favour, he would counterwork you, and use all his influence over +his friend to ruin me. + +I made her easy on this head, by assuring her Sir George should know +nothing of the matter; and put her in mind how lucky it was for her that +he was absent. + +I cannot help thinking, my Cecilia, that there is a sort of fatality has +attended Mr Faulkland's attachment to me. By what a strange accident did +we come to the knowledge of Miss Burchell's affair! How strong were my +mother's prepossessions against Mr Faulkland; and how many little +circumstances concurred her to encourage in this disposition! His letter +from Bath to my brother helped to confirm her in her dislike of his +conduct; Miss Burchell's letter to Mr Faulkland, though meant very +differently, was a strong motive of condemnation. The only means of +justification left for him, my mother did not apply to, till it was too +late; and then that very circumstances of it's _being_ too late to serve +him, Miss Burchell acknowleges, was the reason that the very method +which he had proposed for his defence, was turned to his condemnation. + +Rooted, as my mother's prejudices were, she engages herself, she engages +me, in a promise, to use my endeavours to promote Miss Burchell's +marriage with Mr Faulkland. Does this not look as if some unseen power, +who guides our actions, had set a stamp of disapprobation on the union +between this man and me. + +I wish I had seen that letter which Mr Faulkland wrote to my brother +from Bath: my mother said, she did not read it through. He treated the +subject lightly, and there was one circumstance in particular in it +that shocked her; and yet surely, if the _whole_ might not have borne a +favourable construction, Sir George would not have shewn her that +account, by way of justifying his friend. This reflection comes too +late! Why did it not occur sooner to my mother or to me? We drew no +other inference from Sir George's disclosing this letter, than that as +Mr Faulkland treated the affair ludicrously, it was therefore expected, +both by him and my brother, that we should consider it so too. That +could not have been the case. Miss Burchell's confession has opened my +eyes.--Poor Mr Faulkland! What wayward fate is thine! But let me beware +of relenting; that might be fatal. There is still one indelible blot +remains upon his conduct. Miss Burchell, blameable as she acknowleges +herself, was still betrayed; and though not by Mr Faulkland, yet sure +his having paid the price of her innocence to the wicked aunt, renders +him so far guilty, as that he owes her a great reparation. This was a +particular I durst not touch upon; the unhappy girl herself being +ignorant of it. There is a wide gulph fixed between Mr Faulkland and me. +How many things are leagued against him! Alas! he thinks the principal +bar to his hopes is removed, and that if Miss Burchell has been just, he +ought to be forgiven. But he little knows thy Sidney's heart; critically +delicate as my situation is, in regard him, I am removed a thousand +times farther than ever from his wishes. Neither knows he the +engagements I am under to Miss Burchell; which alone would put an +ever-lasting bar between us. Unhappy Miss Burchell! She has bound me to +her by stronger ties than ever. She has been ingenuous; she has owned +her weakness to me; she declares she would have done this sooner, if it +could have promoted my happiness: perhaps she would; shall I not then +endeavour to promote her's? I will, I must; my word is given. Yet +Faulkland deserves--oh! he deserves a worthier lot. + + + + + VOLUME III + + + _June 22_ + +I now send you, my Cecilia, my second Letter to Mr Faulkland. + + 'Why do you compel me, Sir, noble and disinterested as your + conduct has been towards me, to accuse you now of unkindness? You + call me insensible--oh! it is from my too great sensibility that + all my sorrows have sprung. Destitute as I am of happiness myself, + or even of a possibility of ever attaining it here, I look for no + other comfort in this life, but what must arise from seeing those + whom I most esteem in possession of that tranquillity of mind, + which I can never hope to enjoy. If Mr Faulkland were happy, if + Miss Burchell were happy, I should be less miserable. Remember, + Sir, it was not this lady's fault that you were disappointed in + your former hope. She did not try, by female wiles, to engage a + heart which you refused her. She used no ungenerous arts to cross + your wishes. Loving you as she did, almost to distraction, she + yielded you up in silent anguish to a rival; a rival superior to + herself in nothing. I acknowlege, Sir, I was to have been yours, + and with my own consent; but was it not also with my own consent + those bonds were cancelled, by which we were to have been united? + I was then convinced Miss Burchell had a prior claim; I think so + still, and ever shall. Miss Burchell's family is not mean, her + fortune is considerable; her beauty and personal accomplishments + inferior to none; and, but for Mr Faulkland, she had been + innocent. Yet do not imagine I would aggravate your fault; Miss + Burchell's candor could not suffer this. How charmingly ingenuous + was her confession! In the midst of tears and blushes, she owned + her weakness; you, she said, were not to blame. She praised your + generosity, your compassion, the integrity and frankness of your + whole behaviour towards her; and could Miss Burchell's suffrage + have ensured to you the completion of your wishes, Mr Faulkland + would have been indebted to her for what he once thought his + happiness. But though her testimony could not avail you in that + particular, yet are your obligations to her the same. Does not + then Miss Burchell love Mr Faulkland with a generosity equal to + his own? Do years of fervent and unalterable affection deserve no + return? Does the child, the dear innocent that calls you father, + deserve no consideration? He bears your name, Sir; let him not + blush to own it: he may one day be an honour and a comfort to you. + Put it in his power to make it his boast, instead of his shame, + that Mr Faulkland was his father. The amiable lady, whose very + life is bound up in you, has, in the midst of her affliction, one + great source of comfort; her character has escaped the malignity + of cruel tongues, by the privacy with which she conducted her + measures, till after the birth of your son. The retirement she has + since lived in; her prudent, her modest, her exemplary conduct + have created esteem in every body that knows her; this + circumstance, as it is a peculiar felicity to herself, so ought it + to be a motive of encouragement to you, Sir, to compleat her + happiness. The false judging part of the world will have nothing + to point at; Miss Burchell's relation, or even connection, with + Mrs Gerrarde is hardly known here; she has had no correspondence + with that irregular woman since she became a widow; and her + character had not suffered before, in such a manner, as to reflect + dishonour on the young lady, who was then under her care. How then + can you persist in a cruel rejection of this lady? You own she is + amiable; I am sure she has a thousand good qualities. Is her love + for you, her unparalleled love, to be imputed to her as a crime? + If it be one, long and bitter has been her punishment! On you it + rests to recompence her sufferings. What may you not expect from a + grateful heart that worships you? Such a fervent, such a faithful + love (deserving as you are) you perhaps may never again meet with + in woman. With her you may be happy, she will make it the study of + her life to render you so. Your own heart, conscious of having + acted nobly, will confirm your happiness. Would to God I could + inspire you with such sentiments as would induce you to make the + generous experiment! How would your character rise in the esteem + of the two persons whom you profess to revere! How would you be + adored by the amiable sufferer! but above all, how delightful must + be the exultations of the self-approving mind! There wants but + this act to render you the most deserving of men. I would fain + esteem, respect, admire you as I ought; but you will not let me; + you will be a _common_ man, and undistinguished amongst the light + ones of your sex.' + +I shewed this letter to Miss Burchell; she read it with grateful tears +running down her cheeks. In about an hour I received the following +answer to it. + + 'Miss Burchell may triumph, Madam, since she has obtained _you_ + for her advocate. Well have you acquitted yourself of the task + your rigid heart has undertaken. I thank the lady for the justice + her charming ingenuousness (as you rightly call it) has done me. + But what have I gained by this? Have I not raised the fair + complainant still higher in your esteem, given her a stronger + claim to your pity, and furnished you with arms against myself? + Wretch that I am, I do, I must acknowlege the force of every thing + that you have urged. Miss Burchell is amiable, her sincerity, her + constancy, and (by me) unmerited love, deserve to be greatly + recompensed. I would to heaven I had a heart to give her! but I + have not; _you_ know I have not; _she_ knows it too. Could I have + made Miss Burchell the return she deserves, I would not thus long + have shunned her presence. I acknowleged the state of my heart to + her even at the time I had lost all hopes of possessing you. And + in the spite of my own struggles, after years of confirmed + despair, I found myself still enslaved. How then could I offer a + hand, devoted as my whole soul was to another object, to a lady, + whose constant, tender, and delicate affection, demanded all the + return that a sensible and grateful heart could make? This, Madam, + is all the plea I can urge in answer to those arguments you offer + to promote your favourite wish. Consult your own delicacy, let + Miss Burchell consult hers, and then perhaps I shall stand + acquitted of ingratitude. + + 'I hoped, Madam, that cleared as I have been of _one_ imputation, + I might have recovered some favour in yours and Lady Bidulph's + thoughts. I was flattered with this consolation, small as it was, + when every other hope forsook me. But when an unexpected event + again brought happiness within my prospect, this reflection, I own + became of more importance, and served to strengthen my then + revived hopes. But you dash them with an unrelenting hand; and + again build up those barriers between us, that heaven itself had + overthrown. What can I say to you, inflexible as you are? has Miss + Burchell _all_ your pity? You may command my life, Madam; I would + lay it down freely for you; but I cannot, must not, will not give + up my love; and till you declare in express terms that I _must_ be + miserable, I will not even give up my hope. + + ORLANDO FAULKLAND.' + +See, my Cecilia, the heart I have to deal with. Hard to be subdued, +and obstinate in all its purposes. I expected difficulties; but was in +hopes he would be less determined in regard to his perseverance +towards me. I think however I have gained some ground; he +acknowleges Miss Burchell's merit, and seems obliged to her for the +part she has acted towards him. I have been under some difficulties on +this occasion; for as Miss Burchell was not so candid in her +acknowlegements to my mother as she has been to me, I cannot let +her know the whole of her confession; for this reason, I only told her +the general purport of what I wrote last to Mr Faulkland; and in +reading his answer to her, I passed over such passages as I thought +might induce her to require an explanation. I own I am a little hurt at +Miss Burchell's former perverting of facts on this occasion; but, as I +have already said more than once, there are great allowances to be +made for one in her very critical situation. Neither have I the least +right to reproach her for it even in my thoughts; for had she been +ever so explicit at my mother's first interview with her, it could not +have availed me. + +You find, my dear, it is necessary I should speak plainly to Mr +Faulkland. I shall write to him again, and here you shall have a copy +of what I say; but I must lead this violent spirit with gentleness, and +endeavour to convince his reason, without wounding his tenderness. + + + Mrs Arnold's third letter to Mr Faulkland + + 'You give me pleasure, Sir; I begin to descry hopes for your and + my amiable friend. I know such a heart as Mr Faulkland's cannot + be proof against sentiments of gratitude and compassion; it will + not be difficult to convert those sentiments into love, when the + object is so deserving. Try, Sir, try; the experiment cannot fail. + How much to your honour will so noble a triumph be over an + ill-fated passion! What delightful returns may you not expect from + the obliged, the grateful partner of your happiness! Do not call + me inflexible, or rigid; filled as I am with gratitude, and a + sense of your merit, I should hate myself, if I did not acknowlege + that you deserve more from me than it can ever be in my power to + repay. I must be plain with you, since you require it; it is + impossible I ever can be yours. Sorry I am, that the necessity of + circumstances compels me to make so early a declaration, from + which I thought my present situation would have exempted me; but I + forgive you, Sir, for urging me on this head, and draw a happy + presage from your resting your hopes in relation to me, on my own + determination. You appeal to my delicacy, whether you ought, with + a heart estranged, to offer your hand to Miss Burchell? Were + delicacy alone to be consulted, the answer perhaps might be easy; + but there are superior considerations in your case to be taken in. + Love, without doubt, demands love in return; but where injured + honour is to be repaired, where the disgrace of a darling child is + to be prevented, those nicer sentiments of the soul must and ought + to give way: and I will venture to pronounce, that Miss Burchell + would, with raptures, receive the hand which would confer such + valuable blessings on her; leaving it to time, and her own + unremiting tenderness and assiduity, to get an interest in the + heart, which, by such an act, proved its own rectitude. On this + subject, I, from experience, am qualified to speak. You know, sir, + the interest you once had in me; you cannot think me so light a + creature, as to suppose I so soon after my breaking with you, + bestowed my affections on another. I did not; obedience to my + mother's commands was the sole motive which engaged my vows to Mr + Arnold; and I married him with no other sentiments, those of + esteem and gratitude for the great love he bore me. Yet from these + seeds sown in my heart, sprung a tender and ardent affection: + never did wife love a husband better than I did Mr Arnold; his + kindness merited, and _did_ win my whole affections; nor could a + temporary alienation of _his_ heart, disposses him of the place he + held in _mine_. His returning love (for which, with all + thankfulness, I own myself bound to you, Sir) made him still + dearer to me than ever, and I now profess myself wedded to his + memory. You have a right, Sir, to expect that I should explain + myself at once to you on this subject; for your own sake, and for + Miss Burchell's I must not suffer you to entertain a doubt of my + resolution. You compel me to repeat, that I think Miss Burchell + deserves your love, and has a just right to your hand. She throws + herself upon your honour, without pretending to have any _lawful_ + claim; if she _had_, I should not condescend to solicit the man + who could refuse to do her justice. + + 'My mother is firm in her first resolves; could you place a crown + on my head, her integrity would still oblige her to reject it; nor + would a crown tempt me to forfeit the duty which I owe to her. + + 'See then, Sir, if that _unexpected event_, which you mention (a + fatal event to me!) has brought you nearer to your wishes; and + here let me add, in justice to my own particular sentiments, that + I think Mr Faulkland is the last man who ought to be my choice, + even if my heart were disposed to make one. Reproach me not with + ingratitude, or caprice, till I have explained myself. It is not + long, Sir (blameless and unconscious as you were of the injury, + and nobly as you repaired it) since you were the cause of a + separation between me and my husband. I know you will say that our + mutual innocence on this occasion, and the secret's being known + but to a few of our friends, makes that objection of little + weight. I grant you, with many it might be so; all minds are not + equally susceptible; 'tis my unhappiness to have a too resenting + heart. My own honour (scrupulous you might call it) would not + suffer me to let the man succeed Mr Arnold in my love, who was the + occasion of so much uneasiness to him, and the cause of my being + suspected in my fidelity. Would it not be an insult on his memory? + Oh, Sir, what is the world's opinion to the approbation of our own + hearts! Mine has never yet reproached me, and this has been my + support in all my trials. Thus much I say for the reverence I bear + my dear Mr Arnold's memory; but I have other reasons to offer in + my excuse; refinements you will call them, but my heart feels + their force. I am not the same woman you once loved; afflictions + have impaired my health, and those little advantages of person + which nature bestowed on me, have not been improved by time; my + spirits, broken by misfortunes, have left me languid and + insensible to joy. Peace is the utmost of my wish, and all that I + am now capable of relishing. The bride, whom Mr Faulkland once + sought, was in the bloom of youth, admired and caressed, by a + flattering world; unblemished in her character, her fortune equal + to her wishes, her heart, her virgin heart, was then a present + (with pride let me say it) worthy of any man's acceptance. It was + then in her power to bestow happiness, and Mr Faulkland would not + have been matched unequally. But the scene is changed; what should + I now bring to your arms? A person faded by grief; a reputation + (though undeservedly) once called in question; a little helpless + family without fortune; a widowed heart, dead to love and + incapable of pleasure. Oh, Sir! could I bear to be your wife on + such conditions? Indebted to you as I am, past a possibility of my + ever making you a return, to what a mighty sum would you raise the + obligation? How poor would you make me in my own eyes? Humbled as + I am by adversity, my soul has still too much pride, or let me + call it delicacy, to submit to this. No, if there was no Miss + Burchell in the world, no parental sway to guide me, in my present + circumstances, I never would be yours. + + 'You have now before you my final determination. I shall trouble + you no more on the subject. If your heart relents towards Miss + Burchell, great will be your reward. In her you are sure of a + tender, faithful, and charming friend; who will more than repay + every act of kindness towards her; and he who is the author of + justice and mercy will not fail to bless you. + + 'I am, &c'. + +Methinks, my dear friend, I have now eased my heart of a load that +oppressed it. What can I say more? Mr Faulkland now knows my determined +purpose in regard to myself; and if he is not quite insensible, I think +Miss Burchell must at last obtain the wish of her soul. Oh, my Cecilia, +I would not have my heart devoured by such a flame as her's, for the +whole world. But have I not acted as I should do? I hope I have; I feel +satisfied with my own conduct, and I never yet found that to be the case +when I acted wrong. There are some nice points, in which our own hearts +are the best, as well as the most impartial judges. If Mr Faulkland +persists in rejecting poor Miss Burchell, I can urge him no farther; but +I am determined not to see him. + + + _June 25_ + +How uneasy has been my suspense these three days! I question if +Miss Burchell's is much greater. No answer from this strange man; +perhaps he is flown off again.--No, I wrong him, a letter is this +minute brought up to me from him--Read it, my beloved, and +congratulate me. + + 'You were born to conquer. Madam; what is there that you cannot + effect? My heart was made for you, and you can mould it as you + please. Enjoy your triumph, if it be one. I will receive Miss + Burchell as _your_ gift, and since I cannot obtain your love, I + will at least compel your esteem. Why should _your_ generosity, + _your_ compassion for an unhappy lady, to whom you have no + obligation, exceed that of a man who owns himself bound to her in + gratitude? I wish I could repay her the debt of love I owe her, + but I will try to repair my fault hereafter; and in her gentle + bosom perhaps I may recover that peace, to which I have been so + long a stranger. She will forgive the waywardness of a heart, + which never disguised its anguish to her; and which she knows has + been torn by a cruel passion, that, like a cruel disease, was not + either to be resisted or subdued. But thanks to you, Madam, I + think I begin to feel my cure approaching. Miss Burchell's + tenderness will finish what you have begun. You shall never + reproach me more; if I _ever_ had an interest in your heart, I + will not forfeit it now, but make that proud heart acknowledge, + spite of itself, that Faulkland was not unworthy of it.' + +Ha! my Cecilia, what do you say to my Orlando now? _My_ Orlando let me +this once call him. Has he not a noble mind? Happy! happy Miss Burchell! +you are at length arrived to the summit of your wishes. Long may you +enjoy them, and may you make your love as blest as he deserves to be! My +mother clasped her hands together in joy, when I read this letter to +her. God bless him, God bless him, said she; he is now indeed a +righteous man. How rejoiced I am, my dear, that I have been the means of +bringing about his so-much-wished-for event. And yet, methinks, if I +were in Miss Burchell's place, though my heart doated on the man to +death, I could not receive him on such terms. He accepts her as _my_ +gift; it is to raise himself in my esteem, he does her justice: Nay, I +think the assuming man seems to insinuate a sort of superiority over +me, by this concession. Why let it be so, I shall be content in my +humiliation, if _my_ gift will restore him to his peace. If it does, +which I pray heaven it may, ought he not to think himself indebted to +me? + +I think I should not let Miss Burchell see this last letter; he does not +consent with a good grace; and it may damp her joy. Though, upon second +thoughts, I question whether she has delicacy enough to be much affected +by this circumstance. + + * * * * * + +I am saved the trouble of observing any decorum towards Miss Burchell. +She has been just here wild with transport; and was several minutes in +the room before I could get her to speak coherently. She had received a +letter from Mr Faulkland, written by his own angelic hand, she said. She +made no difficulty of leaving it with me, and here it is. + + + Mr Faulkland's letter to Miss Burchell. + + 'Is it possible, Madam, that I can still be dear to you, careless + and remiss as I have been towards you, since you first honoured me + with your affection? If you can forgive this, I am ready to offer + you my hand; and hope, by devoting my future days to you, to make + you amends for those years, during which (deserving as you are) I + have withheld that heart which was your due. + + 'I never had any merit towards you but my sincerity; and I will + not now give up that virtue to arrogate to myself another to which + I have no title. I own to you, Madam, that it is to Mrs Arnold's + superior prudence, and nice honour, I am beholden for being + brought to a just sense of your worth, and my own obligations to + you. If you will give me leave to attend you this afternoon, you + will receive a man filled with sentiments of gratitude and esteem + for you, and who is determined by his future conduct, to deserve a + continuance of your love. + + 'I am, &c.' + +I congratulated Miss Burchell (after reading this letter) on her +approaching felicity. She had not words to express her acknowlegements +to me. The service I had rendered her was indeed to her a most important +one; and there are some occasions where _words_ are of no use; Miss +Burchell can be eloquent without them. She embraced me a thousand times, +and wept in tender transport on my neck. + +My mother is as much delighted at this happy event, as if it immediately +concerned her own welfare. She recommended it to Miss Burchell, to have +her little boy with her when Mr Faulkland came to visit her. It seems he +has not seen the child since his last return to England: he did not care +to go to the house where it was boarded, for fear of drawing any +observation on himself to Miss Burchell's prejudice; and the people +never permitted the child to be taken abroad by any one but Miss +Burchell (who passes for its aunt) or Mr Faulkland's house-keeper; but +this good woman, happening to be sick when he came to town, Mr Faulkland +had not an opportunity of sending for it. + +Miss Burchell greatly approved of the motion, and flew from us to +prepare for this so much desired interview. + +And now, Cecilia, do you not think Mr Faulkland has proved himself a +disinterested (lover shall I say) of your Sidney? Indeed he has given a +noble testimony of his esteem and deference for me, as well as he +formerly did of his affection. If Miss Burchell does not render herself +worthy of him, how shall I hate myself for having brought about this +union! But she loves him too ardently, and is herself too lovely, not to +get possession of his heart, when it becomes his duty, as well as his +interest, to give it up to her. All acquaintance between her and me, +must now cease: for her sake, as well as Mr Faulkland's, this will be +necessary; my presence may disturb, but can never contribute to the +tranquillity of either of them. + + + _June 26_ + +Miss Burchell was in too much haste to communicate her joy to us, to +defer giving an account of what passed between her and Mr Faulkland +yesterday evening. She hurried to us last night, at almost ten o'clock. + +He came to her house, she said, at six, the hour she had appointed him; +and looked _so_ enchantingly. She herself was dressed out very elegantly +to receive him, and I thought looked really charming; her countenance +was so lighted up with joy, that she did not appear the same woman. + +She had endeavoured, she said, to compose herself for this interview, +and had tried to assume something of dignity; but it all vanished when +her conqueror approached, and the tumult of her heart so intirely +banished all recollection, and presence of mind, that she was not able +to tell me in what manner she received him. She only knows, she says, +that having snatched up her little boy, who stood by her and hung on her +gown, she put him into his father's arms, and bidding the babe thank him +for his goodness, she burst into tears. Mr Faulkland tenderly embraced +the child, not without a visible emotion of countenance; and having +gently set him down again, he placed himself by Miss Burchell's side: +She was still sobbing. Those generous tears, Madam, said he, taking her +by the hand, reproach me too much: I have not deserved this tenderness; +I cannot look upon you, nor that dear boy, without blushing, but you +have forgiven me: it shall be the study of my life to make you both +happy. Oh! Madam, continued Miss Burchell, what an exquisite joy must +such a declaration give me from the beloved of my soul. I wrung his +hand; Oh, Sir, you are too good: What return can I make you? One thing +only say to me, that you do not offer me a _very_ reluctant hand, and I +shall then be the happiest of women. + +Mr Faulkland paused a little while, and then, with a noble frankness, +replied: 'You know, my dear Miss Burchell, with what an excess of +passion I have ever loved Mrs Arnold: Had no such woman existed, _you_ +would have been my choice, preferably to any other: but when I first +knew you, I looked upon myself as bound to her, though, at that time, I +had never seen her: my knowledge of her afterwards confirmed me her's. I +made no secret of this to you, and you may remember what my declarations +to you were, even at the time my hopes were frustrated. I have loved her +fervently ever since; even in the arms of a husband I adored her; and I +will be candid enough to own to you, that, as my attachment to her has, +during all that time, estranged me from you, so should I still, had I +the least hopes of succeeding, have persisted in my suit. But she has +cut off all hope; she has declared she can never be mine, and at the +same time has represented my obligations to you in so strong a light, +that I am convinced I ought to be your's. And let me own, Madam (you who +are generous, and know what it is to love, will pardon a declaration +which I durst not make to any other woman) to you I will confess that +Mrs Arnold is arbitress of my fate; and in approving myself to her, I do +so to my own conscience. I do not therefore, though my actions have been +guided by her, yield with reluctance to her will; her virtue, her +religion, and enlarged mind, have only dictated to me, what my own +reason tells me I ought to do. I have been a slave to a hopeless passion +too long; I am now resolved to struggle with my chains: you, Madam, must +assist me in breaking them entirely; and I make no doubt but that time, +joined to my own efforts, and aided by your sweetness of disposition, +your tenderness, and admirable sense, will enable me to conquer what I +must now call a weakness, and make the triumph equally happy for us +both. But remember, Madam, I never see Mrs Arnold more. 'Tis for your +peace sake as well as my own, that I make this a preliminary to our +marriage. I will, when you shall vouchsafe me the honour of your hand, +receive it, if you please, from Lady Bidulph; and as I presume it will +be agreeable to you to have the ceremony intirely private, that I may, +for our dear little boy's sake, present you rather as my acknowleged +wife, than as my new made bride, I will, with the utmost speed and +secrecy, have such dispositions made, as shall be suitable to my +condition, and your own merit. + +'I should like, after we are united, if you have no objection to it, to +pay a visit for a while to an estate I have in Ireland; which I have +never yet seen, and which I intended to have looked at, if this event, +this happy event (and he kissed my hand) had not taken place.' + +Penetrated as I was, pursued Miss Burchell, with a sense of the +generosity and openness of his heart, I could not forbear raising his +hand to my lips; he tenderly withdrew it from me, as if abashed at my +condescension. He then turned the discourse to less interesting +subjects, and after three delightful hours spent with me, took his +leave; not without having first fixed on Wednesday, next Wednesday, to +be the blessed day that is to make him mine for ever. + +Happy, happy may you be, said I! you _must_ be happy; but let me see you +once again before you are Mrs Faulkland: there are not many hours to +come before that name will be yours. My dear Madam! said she, and patted +my bosom with her hand, I hope all is well _here_; she looked earnestly +in my face, and then added, but you have a noble heart. 'Tis an honest +one I hope, said I, a little disconcerted at her manner. Why did she +address me thus, my dear? I hope I did not discover any thing in my +behaviour as if I repined her good fortune; if I did, far be such a +wretched meanness from the heart of thy friend. Was it not my own act to +make Miss Burchell the happy woman she now thinks herself? Yet I own +there is something in Mr Faulkland's conduct which has raised my esteem +to admiration. Oh may his future days be blessed, else shall I indeed be +wretched! + +My mother told Miss Burchell, it would give her inexpressive +satisfaction to bestow her in marriage on Mr Faulkland; and desired she +would let her know to-morrow at what time and place the ceremony as to +be performed. She answered, at her own house, as she could be no where +else so private; and that Mr Faulkland would engage for the purpose a +clergyman, a particular friend of his, and fellow-collegian, on whose +discretion he could rely. + +Miss Burchell's spirits were too much exhilarated to let her think of +rest; she staid with us till it was very late, and having taken occasion +to mention how grieved she was at the thoughts of losing my society, and +of the necessity Mr Faulkland expressed himself under of never seeing me +more, my mother took that opportunity of gravely entering into the +subject of matrimonial duties. She highly applauded Mr Faulkland's +resolution on that head, and told Miss Burchell, it ought exceedingly to +enhance his merit towards her. Let this be a memorandum to you, my dear +Madam, said she, how sacred the bond is to be held that is now going to +unite you: He will not, you see, run the hazard of being tempted, even +in thought, to swerve from that faith which he is going to plight to +you; your situation is delicate, and it will require the utmost prudence +and circumspection on your part, to secure such an interest in his heart +as he now seems inclined to give you. It is not on your personal charms +that you are to rely, for subduing, or preserving the affections of such +a man as he is. They alone, you see, were not able to effect this: it is +to Mr Faulkland's honour rather than his love, that you are now obliged +for the justice he has done you: never let this be out of your thoughts; +be grateful, but let your gratitude have dignity in it; and by your +behaviour convince your husband that honour was with you a first motive +to wish this union, love will then come in with a better grace as a +secondary inducement. + +The freedom of my mother's observations, and instructions, I was not +surprized at, because she always speaks her mind; but the emphasis with +which she delivered herself was unusual. Miss Burchell expressed herself +as obliged to her, and joined intirely in her opinion; I could perceive, +however, she was not pleased with the lecture. + +When Miss Burchell was gone, my mother told me, she thought it necessary +to speak as she had done. Miss Burchell, said she, is not _quite_ the +girl I took her for; so much modesty and reserve, I thought I had never +met with in a young creature before; when she used to speak of Mr +Faulkland, it was with affection indeed, but with such a nice decorum as +convinced me of the innocence and purity of her heart. But of late I +have observed she has been less delicate in her expressions of +tenderness; such passionate flights have sometimes broke from her, as I +did not think becoming in a young woman, and which indeed almost +offended me; and this night her joy has been ungoverned. Great reason +she has for joy 'tis true; but there are some considerations which ought +to have made her chasten that joy into a sober, and, at least seemingly, +moderate satisfaction. She loves Mr Faulkland, but let her beware of +disgusting a man of his sense by too strong an expression of her +fondness. + +My mother's observation, and her uncommonly forcible manner of +expressing it, struck me prodigiously. It is true I had made the same +remarks myself, but as you know she is not extremely penetrating, and in +general, but a superficial observer, I was the more surprized at what +she said. Miss Burchell's behaviour must have been formerly very +different from what it now is, to have made my mother so sensible of the +change. _Some considerations_, she said, ought to have made her chasten +her joy. Perhaps, she meant no more than that the young lady, even in +the midst of that joy, had, upon reflection, cause for humiliation. I +hope, she did not think that her gaiety on this desired event affected +me, who had so warmly promoted it. My mother is too open not to give the +full meaning of her thoughts. This may be only the suggestion of my own +fancy, yet it has mortified me. I had but little rest last night, and +rose this morning by day-light, to throw together in writing the above +particulars. + + + _June 27_ + +Miss Burchell came not to us till late this evening; pleasure danced in +her eyes. I whispered to her, We rejoice with you, dear Madam, +sincerely rejoice, at your approaching felicity; but our present state +will not suffer us to keep pace with you in that gaiety, however +justifiable it may be from the cause: restrain yourself a little; my +mother will not think you kind, as we are so soon to part with you. +She smiled, and thanking me for the hint, immediately composed her +features to such a decorum (I will not call it demureness) that it was +impossible to discover she was agitated by any extraordinary emotion. +I own, I was amazed at the command she so suddenly assumed over +her countenance. I was glad, however, she did so, that my mother +might not have fresh cause of dislike towards her. + +She told us that Mr Faulkland had settled a thousand pounds a +year on her, and that too without ever having informed himself of the +state of her fortune: for, in the hurry of her thoughts, she had +neglected to mention it to him: (Generous man! whispered I to +myself.) She then, with great gravity, applied herself to my mother, +and told her, she hoped for the honour of her presence, the next +morning, at her own house; where the ceremony was to be +performed, before no other witnesses but her ladyship, and the +gentlewoman, who had been Mr Faulkland's housekeeper; and that +the following day they purposed retiring to Mr Faulkland's seat in +Hertfordshire, and, after a short stay there, to set out for Ireland. + +My mother commended Mr Faulkland's diligence, for having so +suddenly disposed every thing for this important event, and told our +friend she would not fail to attend her at the appointed time. + +Miss Burchell's behaviour was extremely composed; she either +really was, or affected to be, extremely sorry at parting with me; she +could not stay long with us, she said, as she had many things to settle +in the remaining part of that evening. On taking leave of me, I shall +not see you again, worthiest of women, said she, at least, for many +months; but my love, my respect, and my gratitude towards you will +be as lasting as my life. You shall hear often from me, and be so good +as sometimes to tell me I am not forgotten. She embraced me with +tears in her eyes, but I thought she tripped down stairs to her chair, as +if her heart was very light. + +My mother liked her deportment; she said, she believed the +flightiness of her behaviour before, was owing to her being quite +intoxicated with the suddenness of her joy, on so unexpected a turn +of fortune; but that since she had time for recollection, she had +recovered her wonted bashful and sober air, with which she used to +be so delighted. My mother says, she will contrive to carry a rich +white brocade gown with her, in order to slip it on at Miss Burchell's +house; for she would not, on any consideration, appear in mourning +on this joyful occasion. You know the reverence she has for omens. + + + _June 28_ + +The important event is over, my Cecilia. Miss Burchell is now Mrs +Faulkland. My mother is just returned, and saw the nuptial knot tied. +The lady, she said, looked very lovely; and it was easy to observe she +gave her hand with all her heart. Mr Faulkland's behaviour was polite +and unconstrained; but his attention to his bride was more gallant than +tender; and his whole deportment was that of a man who seemed to +endeavour at acquitting himself with a good grace of an act of duty, +rather than of inclination. The latter part of the observation is mine, +not my mother's; but I collected it from certain little particulars, +which she related to me in her own way, without drawing any inference +from them. + +He thanked her in a most respectful manner for the honour she had done +him, and for her former friendship to Miss Burchell; but did not once +mention my name. So much the better; I hope he will forget me. + +My mother is mighty alert on the occasion, and felicitates both herself +and me on our having brought about this very important affair. She +joined heartily with me in praying that the new-married pair may be +happy in each other. She is quite reconciled to Mr Faulkland. What a +pity it was, said she--and stopped; then added, But every thing is for +the best. I understood her, but made no reply. + +They go out of town to-morrow morning; all happiness attend them! + +I expect Sir George will be quite outrageous about this marriage. +My second refusal of his friend, with the addition of his now being +wedded, through my persuasion, to a woman my brother never could +endure, will, I fear, exasperate him beyond a possibility of +reconciliation. I cannot help it; I have acted agreeably to the dictates +of my duty; that must be my consolation: life is in itself a warfare, _my_ +life has been particularly so. + + + _July 8_ + +My mother is far from being well; her spirits have been a little +heightened for these few days past, but her disorder I see gains ground: +the swelling in her legs is returning, and her rest at night quite +broken. I am hourly habituating myself to think of her dissolution; or, +in other words, am preparing myself for the worst evil that can now +befal me. I hope I shall find myself equal to the trial. + + + _July 10_ + +Here is a storm for you my dear; a letter from Sir George. I wanted such +a thing to rouse me from the almost lethargic dulness that was creeping +on me. Mr Faulkland has acquainted him with his marriage. Pray observe +his brotherly address. + + Mrs ARNOLD, _June 6, 1706._ + + 'For I disclaim all relation to you. I have just now had a letter + from Faulkland, wherein I am at once informed of your having + finally rejected him, and of his being married to Miss Burchell. + As for the first, your own folly be on your head. You will have + time enough for repentance, and I need wish you no other + punishment than what _will_, and for me _shall_, be the + consequences of your obstinate adherence to your own romantic wild + opinions. But what in the name of blind infatuation could provoke + you to urge the man, to whom you owed such obligations, to his + destruction? _You_ I know have done it; he could not be so mad but + under _your_ influence. You and my mother I suppose fancy you have + done a righteous deed; but you have done what I am afraid poor + Faulkland will have reason to--I will suppress the shocking word, + that my indignation suggested. + + 'Why was I not made acquainted with this precious design of + marrying my friend to that insinuating little viper? I might + perhaps have prevented the mischief; for I cannot think if she had + not imposed upon you, that you would have pushed your chimerical + notions of honour to such extremities. + + 'Perhaps you meant well; but it has ever been your peculiar + misfortune I think to have your good intentions productive of + nothing but evil; this last action I fear will be a severe proof + of the truth of this observation. I warned you in time against + this woman, but my advice has always been despised. + + 'I will say no more on the hateful subject; what is done is + irrevocable: but I believe you will hardly be able to answer it to + yourself, if you find that you have condemned one of the noblest + fellows in the world to the arms of a prostitute.' + +Lord bless me! my Cecilia, was there ever such a barbarian? with what an +implacable aversion does he pursue this poor girl! But what does he mean +by the odious epithet with which he closes his horrid letter? Sure Miss +Burchell merits not that name. Her weakness in regard to Mr Faulkland +cannot bring on her so detestable a charge. If George knows any thing +more of her character than I do, why did he not tell me so before? It +cannot be; his aversion to her makes him cruel and unjust. He says true; +I should not indeed forgive myself if I were the means of making Mr +Faulkland unhappy; and his observation would be dreadfully verified, +that all my good intentions produce nothing but evil, if this marriage +should prove to be unfortunate. + + + _July 20_ + +I have had a letter from Mrs Faulkland. She and her husband are arrived +safely at his estate on the borders of the north of Ireland, within less +than thirty miles of the capital. It is a pleasant part of the country +she says, but as Mr Faulkland has no house there, they have taken up +their lodgings for the present at the house of his steward. Her letter +is filled with declarations of the felicity she enjoys; she says, she +would not change her lot to be the greatest Queen on earth.--May she +continue to deserve her happy fortune, and to render her husband as +satisfied with _his_ lot as she is with _hers_! then shall I triumph +over Sir George for his vile insinuations. + +I have heard from my good lady V----, in answer to the letter I wrote +her, giving an account of Mr Faulkland's marriage. As he had not made +her acquainted with his return to England, I knew not whether he had +informed her of this particular; and I find he had not. As lady V---- +was a stranger to his former connection with Miss Burchell (with whom I +have already told you she was acquainted, and that she entertained a +very favourable opinion of her) she expressed no displeasure at the +alliance; but said, she supposed he married, in a tifft, upon my refusal +of him; for which I gave her such reasons as I had before given Mr +Faulkland, excepting those which related to Miss Burchell; which, for +both their sakes, must now be no more mentioned. Lady V---- says, she +_will not condemn the delicacy of my sentiments, though she owns her +wish was, that it could have been got over, as she is sure that Mr +Faulkland can never be happy with any one but me_. + + +[Here follows an interval of near two months, in which nothing +material occurred.] + + + _September 13_ + +The time approaches, my Cecilia, when thy friend shall be poor and +destitute. I know thy generous heart will more than sympathize with +me in my calamity, from the aggravating reflexion that it is not in your +power to assist me. The account you have given me of your +husband's close disposition has too fully convinced me of this. Nor +should I have mentioned my apprehensions to you at this time, but +that I am bound not to conceal a thought from the friend of my heart. + +Sir George has dropt all correspondence with us, I have nothing to +expect from him; nor does that mortal live (yourself excepted) to +whom I would, on such an occasion, be indebted. I have already +sighed too often under the weight of obligations which I could not +repay. + +My mother is hastening apace to a better world, She sees her end +approaching with such a calmness, such a truly pious joy, as almost +makes me ashamed of lamenting her loss; for what is it in me, my +dear but selfishness? 'Tis true, the loss of a tender parent, a faithful +friend, at a time when all other comforts of life are fled, is an evil one +would wish wholly to avoid, or at least to postpone for the longest +date possible: but when I consider _her_ welfare, ought I to indulge +myself in such a wish? Her life is already become a burden to her; +her infirmities are painful, and without hope of cure; she longs to be +released, and to receive that reward of her righteousness, which +cannot be obtained on this side of the grave. + +If we had a friend, who, in compassion to our wants or weakness, +consented to live with us, though under the pressure of years and +bodily pain; and that friend were invited to a remote country, with an +assurance of recovering health, of having youth renewed, and of +possessing all the riches, power, honours, and accumulated pleasures +that this world can bestow; should we not blush to own even a wish to +detain him from such a station? What but a love of ourselves, +superior to that which we bear to our friend, could suggest such a +thought? How much more to be desired then is the change, to which +my mother looks forward, with an assured hope! + +But there is something dismal in the idea of death! 'tis only our +prejudices make it so. I have been endeavouring for many days past +to familiarise it to my thoughts, and to consider death only as the +name of a region through which my mother is to pass, in order to get +at that delightful country to which she is invited, and whither _I_ shall +assuredly follow her. Such is the present frame of my mind; judge +then, my sister, if this philosophy will not bear me up against the +unexpected blow when it falls upon me. + + + _September 15_ + +'Tis strange, my Cecilia, that this best of parents, who had always so +tenderly loved me, expresses now not the least uneasiness at the +forlorn condition in which she must soon leave me. Her thoughts are +employed on higher objects, and she seems to have weaned herself +from all worldly attachments. + +I am going from you, my daughter, said she to me just now, and have no +other legacy to leave you but a parent's blessing. Your brother +possesses all when I die; I wish you had the means of enjoying life with +comfort; but you must be contented. See that you bear your lot as +becomes you. I perceive your grief for the melancholy condition to which +I am now reduced; but added she smiling, I shall soon be released. + +Remember how David behaved on the death of that son, whose life he had +so earnestly besought of his maker: let that serve you as an example, +not to give yourself up to unprofitable sorrow. Bring up your children +in the principles that I taught _you_, and God will take care of them; +for _I have never seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging +their bread_. + +She said, she found herself drowsy, and desired me to leave her for a +while. I have left her, going I hope to get a little sleep; she breathes +with so much difficulty that she cannot bear to lie down, and never gets +any rest but by snatches, as she sits in an arm-chair supported by +pillows. + +How heavy and cast down do I feel my spirits; but I know the +worst--_that_ is something.-- + +It is all over: and my mother, blessed woman! opens not her eyes again +but to a joyful resurrection. Oh, my dear, there is no terror in death +when he seizes us not unprepared! I went into my mother's chamber, in +about half an hour after I had quitted it, at her desire: I found her +leaning back in her chair, her eyes shut, and a complacent air diffused +over her face, which made me hope that her slumber was sweeter, and more +profound than usual. I sat down by her to contemplate her benign +countenance; and was some minutes before I discovered that she did not +breathe. I took her hand, she had no pulse; and I soon found that the +happy spirit had escaped from its house of clay. May _I_ die the death +of the righteous, and my latter end be like hers! No murmurings, no, no +my sister, I will be patience itself! + + + _September 25_ + +I have sent the remains of my venerable parent down to Sidney-Castle, +there to be interred with her ancestors. I wrote my brother an +account of her death on the day it happened, but have as yet received +no answer. Unnatural son! but I will not reproach him; some accident +might have prevented his writing immediately on the receipt of my +letter. He never intirely forsook the duty he owed his mother, but he +has of late been quite estranged from us; his wife, vain, weak and +imperious, governs him totally. I must now begin to look about me for +a place of abode suited to my present circumstances. My whole +income would not pay more than half the rent of these lodgings in +which I have lived with my dear mother. My poor Patty! I am grieved +for _her_. I begged of her to seek another mistress, who might be able +to reward her merit, and provide for her as she deserves; but the +worthy affectionate girl told me, it would break her heart, if I talked +of parting with her. You must have a servant of some sort, Madam, +said she, why may not I do as well as another? If I were able to make +you a proper return, Patty, said I, you should not leave me; but I +cannot afford to pay a servant of your abilities as you deserve; and I +must be my own maid for the future. Never, never, Madam, cried the +honest creature, bursting into tears, while I have hands to serve you. +Let me but attend on you, and the two dear children; I desire +nothing.--I want nothing. Your goodness has all along supplied me +so, that I am sure I have clothes enough to serve me during my life; +and if I could not put up with the same humble way of living that my +mistress does, sure I should be a presumptuous wretch! My tears +thanked the grateful girl; and taking her by the hand, I told her, that I +would not talk of parting for the present, but when any thing worth +her acceptance offered, I should then insist on her embracing it. + +I am determined to retire to some village at a distance from +London, and either to take a little cottage to myself, or board with my +children at some farm-house, as I shall find most convenient. Fifty +pounds a year will be but a slender support for three persons brought +up in affluence. My little ones indeed will not now be sensible of the +change, and by the time they are grown up, they will be so inured to +their homely board, that they will not, I hope, aspire after what +cannot consistently (perhaps,) with virtue, lie within their reach. + + + _October 27_ + +After paying the expences of my mother's funeral, discharging our +lodgings, and some other demands, I find my purse will be so extremely +reduced, that I shall have but barely enough to keep out want, till my +small income becomes due to me. I must therefore, for the present, defer +putting my scheme into execution, as I am not qualified to undertake a +journey with my little family; especially as I am as yet uncertain what +place to fix on for my residence; neither will I afford my brother +(though I have no reason to expect any thing from him), a farther +pretence for reproaching me, by giving him room to say, I left London +without consulting him, or waiting for his return to it. I shall +therefore look out a lodging of a small price, where I will conceal +myself from every body that knows me, and wait for Sir George's arrival. + + + _October 28_ + +How happy you make me, my ever dear friend, by your approbation of my +conduct; since my receiving your last packet, which came into my hand +late last night, I am better reconciled to my present lot than I was +before I heard from you. I _could not do otherwise_, you say, after my +solemn promise given to Miss Burchell, than use my utmost endeavours to +promote her marriage with Mr Faulkland. True; I could not: but I wish +you had entered more into my sentiments, in regard to those punctilios, +which, you tell me, you think _might_ have been got over, if that young +woman had been out of the question. I could not help smiling at your +wish, unchristian as it was; but my dear, if that _were_ to happen, do +you think Mr Faulkland so void of reason, nay of feeling, as after all +that has past to persevere? Or if he did, that I could be so mean as to +owe the very bread that I and my children should eat, to his generosity? +Would you, my Cecilia, wish to see your friend so humbled? 'Tis not in +the power even of the cold, hard hand of poverty itself, to dash me so +low as that would do. But where is the need of forming resolutions, or +even making declarations about what never _can_ happen? I see +notwithstanding, that you think my heart has _again_ done itself some +violence: You know that heart too well for me to attempt to hide from +you its secret workings. I own to you honestly I now feel my own +unhappiness in its full extent. I look back, and take a survey of the +past, and cannot help thinking that I have had the most wayward fate +allotted me that ever woman had. + +Disappointment in a first love, has, I think been ever accounted a grief +scarce surmountable even by time: but this can only be the case, where +the heart, extremely vulnerable by nature (like Miss Burchell's) suffers +itself to be so entirely immersed in that passion, that all other duties +of life are swallowed up in it; and where an indolent turn of mind, a +want of rational avocations, and perhaps of a new object, all contribute +to indulge and confirm the disease. This you know was not my case. I +loved, 'tis true; but it was with temperance; and though my +disappointment afflicted me, it did not subdue me. I got the better of +it, I think I got the better of it even before I married; but sure I am, +I totally conquered all remembrance of it after I became a wife. I then +laid down a new scheme of happiness, and was for a time in possession of +it; how I was thrown from this is still bitter to remembrance. You well +know what I suffered, when I found myself deprived of my husband's love, +and suspected of a crime at which my soul shrunk. But it pleased the +just God to deliver me from this heavy misfortune, and I think the +happiest days of my marriage were those which I passed with Mr Arnold +after our reunion. Then it was, I was thoroughly sensible that the heart +_can_ love a second time, truly and ardently; but I was soon again +plunged into affliction by the death of a husband endeared to me more +than ever by his misfortunes. My grief for him was proportionate to my +love. Yet, my friend, as time is an universal conqueror, it might have +healed this wound as well as the former one; and a few, a very few years +would perhaps have disposed me to return Mr Faulkland's still unabated +passion, if a variety of circumstances had not interposed, that strongly +forbad our union. Convinced as I was of this, I acted agreeably to the +dictates both of my reason, and my conscience, in persuading Mr +Faulkland to make Miss Burchell his wife. I should have been grieved and +mortified had he rejected her, and I had determined never to have seen +him more. Yet how deceitful is the human heart! this very act which I +laboured with so much assiduity to accomplish, and on the accomplishment +of which, I had founded, I know not how, a sort of contentment for +myself, has been the very means of destroying what little peace of mind +I was beginning to taste before. Sure that man was born to torment me in +a variety of ways! If I was disappointed in my early love, I had however +duty, and a consciousness of what I then thought superior worth, to +support me. If on his account I suffered cruel and injurious aspersions, +the innocence of my own self-acquitted heart bore me up under it: but he +has at length found the way to punish me without leaving me any +resource. My pride is of no use, he has raised himself in my esteem +superior to every thing! His whole behaviour so generous, so candid; a +love so disinterested, so fervent; what noble, what uncommon proofs has +he given me of it! and at length what a triumphant sacrifice has he made +of that overruling passion, to the sober calls of reason and humanity! +He has left me, my dear, to gaze after him with grateful admiration! and +sometimes perhaps to sigh that our fates rendered it impossible for us +to meet. But if I do sometimes sigh, it is not at the advantages of +fortune, which I might have enjoyed with him; no, no, surrounded as I am +with distress, I do not envy Miss Burchell's affluence or splendor. If +_that_ motive could have had weight with me, I might have been mean +enough not to have acted as I have done. 'Tis the qualities of the man's +mind I esteem; I think our souls have something congenial in them, and +that we were originally designed for each other. And if I believed the +doctrine which teaches us that there are little officious spirits that +preside over the actions of men, I should think that our two evil +geniuses laid their heads together in conjunction with Miss Burchell's +active demon, to thwart and cross all our measures. + +I have nothing now left but to pray for the happiness of one whose lot +in this life he has suffered _me_ to determine; and to beseech Heaven +that he may never stand in that fatal predicament which Sir George, with +such outrageous barbarity, marked out in his vile letter. + +I now return to myself, and to my present state; which I think I may say +brings up the rear of my misfortunes. Let the chastisement stop here, +and I shall bow me to it with resignation. + + + _October 29_ + +Ah, my Cecilia, what an aggravation is here to the already too deep +regret I began to feel on Mr Faulkland's account! His triumph over me is +now complete! + +In sorting my mother's papers (as I am to leave these lodgings tomorrow) +I found that letter which Mr Faulkland wrote to my brother from Bath. +You may remember I told you my mother had, in her resentment, flung it +to Sir George, and that, as it happened to fall on the ground, he had +quitted the room in a passion without taking it up. My mother, I +suppose, when she cooled, laid it by, though I dare say she never looked +into it afterwards. Read it, and see by what a fatality we have been +governed. + + + Mr Faulkland's letter to Sir George Bidulph. + + _Bath, May 9, 1703_ + + 'How you mortify me, my dear Bidulph, when you tell me of the + happiness I lost by staying so long at Bath! _The ladies are + impatient to see me_, say you? Ah, Sir George, thou hast spoke + better of me than I deserve, I fear. + + 'I am sadly out of humour with myself at present. I have got into + a very foolish sort of a scrape here. My wrist is quite well, and + I should have thrown myself at Miss Bidulph's feet before now, + but to tell you a secret, my virtue not being proof against + temptation, I have been intercepted. + + ''Tis but a slight lapse, however, a flying affair; neither my + honour, nor my heart in the question. A little vagrant Cupid has + contented himself with picking my pocket, just lightly fluttering + through my breast, and away. + + 'Are you fallen so low as that, Faulkland, say you? to _buy_ the + favour of the fair? No, George, no; not quite so contemptible as + that neither; and yet, faith, I did _buy_ it too, for it cost me + three hundred pounds; but the lady to whom I am obliged knows + nothing of this part of her own history; at least, I hope so, for + my credit sake. The case in short is this: an old gouty officer, + and his wife (a very notable dame; a fine woman too) happened to + lodge in the same house with me. The man came hither to get rid of + his aches; the lady of her money, and her virtue, if she has any, + for she is eternally at the card tables. + + 'Under the conduct of this hopeful guide, came a niece of the + husband's; an extremely fine girl, innocent too, I believe, and + the best dancer I ever saw. I don't know how it happened, but she + took a fancy to me, which, upon my word, and I am sure you have no + doubts of me, I was far from wishing to improve. You know I always + despise the mean triumph of gaining a heart, for which I could not + give another in return. I saw with pain her growing inclination + for me; but as we lived in the same house, and met every day in + the rooms, it was impossible for me to avoid her as much as I + wished to do. The aunt I found, had her eyes upon me, and took + some pains to promote a liking on my side. I saw her design, and + was so much upon my guard, that she, who I soon found was an adept + in love-matters, almost despaired of gaining her ends. The young + lady's inclination however seemed to increase; a pair of fine blue + eyes told me so every day; and I was upon the point of flying to + avoid the soft contagion, when an accident happened that totally + overthrew all my good resolutions. + + 'I had not seen the young lady for two or three days; I enquired + for her, and her aunt answered, with a mysterious smile, She is + ill, poor thing, why don't you look in upon her, and ask her how + she does? I replied, if the lady will permit me, I will do myself + that honour, and intended literally to have kept my word, by just + asking her at her chamber door how she did. + + 'You are very cruel, said the aunt; would you persuade me that you + don't know the girl is in love with you? Oh, your Servant, Madam; + if you think me vain, I thank you for the reprimand. Come, come, + said she, this is all affectation, we'll drink tea with her this + evening. Upon my word, said I, if I am to believe what you say, I + think you ought not to desire me. I am not blind to the young + lady's merit, but am so unfortunate as not to have it in my power + to make such returns as she deserves. I found the occasion + required my being serious. + + 'If you have not love, said she, you may at least have a little + complaisance. Was there ever such a barbarian, not to go and see a + woman that is dying for him? I promised to bring you, and she + expects you. What is the pretty creature afraid of (patting my + cheek). I'll stay by it all the while. There was no withstanding + this; I promised to wait on her. + + 'She knocked at my door about six o'clock, and looking in, asked + if the coy Narcissus was ready? I went with her, and she led me + directly to her niece's chamber. The young lady looked pale and + languishing, but very pretty. I was really grieved to see her, and + enquired with an unaffected concern after her health. The + tea-things were set, and I tried to force something like + conversation, but I believe I was rather formal. + + 'When we had done tea, the aunt looked at her watch, started off + her chair, said she had outstaid her appointment with the party + she was to meet at cards, and turning to me, I hope, Sir, you will + have the _Charity_ to stay with my niece; and then hurried out of + the room. I begged leave to hand her to her chair, intending to + take that opportunity of slipping away, and resolved to quit the + house the next morning. But the determined gipsey was prepared for + this motion, and insisting that I should not stir, thrust me back + from the door, which she shut, and flew down stairs. + + 'What was to become of me now, George? My situation was dangerous, + and really critical. To be short, I forgot my prudence, and found + the young lady's heart too, too tender. + + 'I never felt remorse before. I never had cause. I accuse myself + of indiscretion, but I have not the aggravating addition to my + fault of oaths and promises to fly in my face. I made none--love, + foolish love did all, and led a willing victim to his altar, who + asked nothing in return for the sacrifice she offered; and + received nothing but unavailing repentance on my side. + + 'I know not any thing now that would give me so much pleasure as + to find that the girl hated me heartily, though I have given her + no cause. + + A just reparation I cannot make her. Every thing forbids that + thought. I do not consider myself as free; but if I were so, I am + not a seducer, and therefore do not think myself bound to carry my + penitence to such lengths. The damned aunt has been the serpent. + And here let me explain to you what I call buying the lady's + favour. You must know the aunt one night (the greatest part of + which she had spent at hazard) lost two hundred pounds; at least + she told me so the next morning, and with tears in her eyes + besought me, in the most earnest manner, to lend her that sum. She + said, she should be undone if her husband were to know it, and + that she would pay me in a very few days, as she had as much due + to her from different people who had lost to her at play. Though + our very short acquaintance could hardly warrant her making such a + request, I nevertheless did not hesitate, but gave her the money + directly. She meant indeed to pay me, but it was in a different + coin, and this I suppose was the price she set on the unhappy + girl's honour. + + 'My reflections on this unlucky affair make me very grave. I have + explained my situation to the young lady, and expressed my concern + at not having it in my power to be any other than a friend to her. + She blames her own weakness, and her aunt's conduct, but does not + reproach me. She cannot with justice, yet I wish she would, for + then I should reproach myself less. + + ''Tis a foolish business, and I must get off as handsomely as I + can. Prithee, Bidulph, say something to encourage me, and put me + into more favour with myself. You have often been my confessor, + but I never wanted absolution so much as now; nor ever was so well + intitled to it, for I am really full of penitence, and look _so_ + mortified, you would pity me. I am ashamed of having been + surprised into a folly; I who _ought_ to have been upon my guard, + knowing the natural impetuosity of my temper. + + 'I must not conclude without telling you, that this very morning, + the precious aunt, instead of paying me the two hundred pounds she + had of me before, very modestly requested I would oblige her with + another hundred, to redeem a pair of diamond ear-rings which she + had been obliged to part with for the supply of some other + necessary demands; and with abundance of smooth speeches, she + assured me, in a fortnight she would pay me all together, having + notes to that value which would then become due to her. I was such + a booby as to give it to her.--Why, fare it well--I never expect + to see a shilling of it. She thinks, perhaps, there is value + received for it. Vile woman! The affair fortunately for us all, + has not taken wind; and for me, the names of both aunt and niece, + may ever stand enrolled amongst those of chaste matrons and + virgins. The family quits this place soon, as the old gentleman is + better. + + 'I thank you for your care, in relation to my house, I hope to + take possession of it in a week or ten days; you are very good in + fixing me so near yourself. Adieu. + + 'I am, &c. + +What do you think of this letter, my Cecilia, written in confidence to +my brother? Mr Faulkland could not conceive it probable that any body +but Sir George should ever see it; he had no reason therefore to gloss +over any of the circumstances. _Had_ I seen it but in time--Oh what +anguish of heart might we all have been spared! Miss Burchell singly as +she _ought_, would have borne the punishment of her folly. + +My mother had not patience to read this letter through; nice and +punctilious as her virtue was, she passed a censure on the crime in +gross, without admitting any palliating circumstance. But I blame her +not; the excellence of her own morals, made her scrupulous in weighing +those of others; she read the letter in a cursory way, and it is plain +but half of it; prepossessed as she was before, by knowing the material +point. + +The account was given with levity at the _first_ mention of the young +lady. Then she understood he had bought her of her aunt; there is a +paragraph which _looks_ like it, and to be sure she attended not to the +explanation. Fatal oversight! she read not far enough to have this +matter cleared up. She took nothing but the bare facts into her account. +A young lady dishonoured, her disgrace likely to be public, then her +tenderness for the man who had undone her, and that man rejecting her, +and on the point of marrying another. These were the only points of view +in which my mother beheld the story. Her justice, her humanity, and her +religion prompted her to act as she did; and her conduct stands fully +acquitted to my judgment, though my heart must upon this full conviction +of Mr Faulkland's honour, sigh at recollecting the past. + +I know that the memory of my mother's own first disastrous love wrought +strongly on her mind. She was warm in her passions, liable to deep +impressions, and always adhered strictly to those opinions she first +imbibed. Her education had been severe and recluse; and she had drawn +all her ideas of mankind from her own father and mine, who, I have been +told, were both men of exemplary lives. From all these considerations, I +must again say, that I entirely acquit my dear mother, in regard to her +whole conduct, however I have suffered by it. + + + _October 30_ + +I am now fixed in a very humble situation. Shall I own it to you, my +Cecilia? I was shocked at the change. A room two pairs of stairs high, +with a closet, and a small indifferent parlour, compose the whole of my +apartment. Hither did my faithful Patty, my two children, and myself, +remove this day. It put us not to much trouble, having nothing to take +with us but our wearing apparel, which is all the worldly goods of which +I am now possessed. + +When I wrote to Lady V----, (which was a day or two before my mother's +death) I mentioned not that she was then in so dangerous a way. I know +the generosity and good nature of that worthy woman; but I have already +been too much obliged to her to lay any fresh tax on her friendship, +which I am sure she would too readily pay, if she were acquainted with +my situation. I shall therefore, as long as I can, defer acquainting her +with my mother's death; and when I do, I shall not give her room to +suspect that my brother has cast me off, which I have now too much +reason to believe he has; otherwise sure, in more than a fortnight, he +might have found time to write to me. I neither expect ceremony, nor +tenderness from him; but the occasion of my letter demanded some notice. + + + _November 2_ + +Patty has just now been informed, that Lady Sarah Bidulph is arrived in +town. She met one of their servants, who told her that my brother is not +come with her; it seems, they parted on the road. He is gone to Sidney +Castle, which is now his, and Lady Sarah chose to come to London. She +has, I find, been in London four days, though she has not yet vouchsafed +to send me any notice of her arrival. She could not be at a loss where +to find me, as I left my direction at my former lodging, in case of any +letter or message, coming from any of my friends; though I desired the +people of the house not to inform any indifferent visitants where I was +to be found. + +Though George has, in his turbulent way, renounced me as his +sister, yet sure his wife, whom I never disobliged, ought not to depart +so from humanity and common good breeding, as not to enquire after +the sister of her husband, who has an occasion of grief so recent, in +which she ought to partake. I shall not however take notice of this +slight, but am preparing to send Patty to her, with an enquiry after +her health, and to know when my brother is expected in town.-- + +Patty is just returned from her embassy to Lady Sarah; I will give +you the conversation she had with her. + +Patty sent in her message, with great respect, by a footman, and +waited for her answer in the hall; though her pretty figure and +genteel mourning-dress had induced the servant to ask her into the +house-keeper's room. + +Lady Sarah was alone in the parlour, and desired her to be called +to the door. So, young woman, said she, your mistress desires to +know when Sir George will be in town. I am really surprised, after +the letter she received from him, that she can fancy Sir George +means to concern himself about her. Do you know her business with +him? you are in your mistress's secrets I suppose. I do not know, +Madam, answered Patty, what particular business my lady may have; +but I believe it would be a comfort to her to see her brother in her +present melancholy circumstances. I don't know that there is any +thing uncommonly melancholy in her circumstances, replied the lady; +her mother's years and infirmities made her death a thing to be +looked for; I suppose your mistress is not in _want_. My poor +ingenuous Patty said she blushed at the cruel indifference with which +Lady Sarah said this. Not in immediate want, Madam, I hope, but +your ladyship must needs think she is in a destitute way, with two +children, and but fifty pounds a year in the world. What do you +mean, woman, cried Lady Sarah? it is impossible but Lady Bidulph +must have left money behind her; Sir George, I am sure, has got +nothing but what she could not keep from him. Patty answered, Lady +Bidulph, Madam, left no money behind her more than what was +barely sufficient to defray some necessary expences that occurred +immediately after her death. Well, and so your mistress, I suppose, +after having behaved so ill as she has done to her brother, expects he +should provide handsomely for her, and her children; _Arnold's_ +children for the rest of their lives. I know not, Madam, returned +Patty, what my Lady's expectations are, but I believe she would be +very glad to see Sir George before she goes out of town, or at least +inform him of her design. What _is_ her design, pray, asked Lady +Sarah? To retire into the country, Madam, as she has not +wherewithal to subsist on in London. She can't do better, I think, +said the Lady. Where does she live now? My poor maid, who thought +this question tended to the proud woman's calling on, or at least +sending to me, made haste to inform her; she lodges, Madam, at a +milliner's, at the corner of the Haymarket, the left hand as you turn--Oh +dear! pray stop: you need not be so particular, I have no design of +paying her a visit in her corner-shop; my only reason for enquiring +was, to know whether she had thought proper to keep those +expensive lodgings her mother was in, in expectation of Sir George's +continuing _her_ in them. My Lady has no such view, I believe, +Madam. Well, you may tell your _Lady_, that if she will go out of town +with her children, I will prevail on Sir George to allow her +something. He will not be in town this month, so that she need not +wait for his arrival. She might, if she would have been guided by her +brother, have been a credit to her friends, instead of what she now is. +Patty owns, she was so full of indignation, that she wished at that +moment not to have been a servant, that she might have reproached +her with her hard-heartedness. Oh, my dear, these are the stings of +poverty! It is not the hard bed, nor the homely board, but the +oppressive insolence of proud prosperity; 'tis that only which can +inflict a wound on the ingenuous mind. + +As for that mean woman, I despise her too much to suffer myself +to be obliged to her. _She will endeavour to prevail on my brother._ If his +own heart cannot prevail on him, I disclaim her influence; I know she +means not to use it in my favour; on the contrary, I make no doubt +but she will endeavour to irritate Sir George gainst me by +misrepresentations. Her pride makes her wish to have an indigent +relation out of the way, yet her avarice would not suffer her to enable +me to retire; and she will make my continuing here through necessity +a pretence for still with-holding any assistance from me. Let it be so; +I would rather submit to the most abject drudgery, than owe a +wretched dependant existence to such a woman. I am sure my +brother, notwithstanding his resentment, if he knew what my +situation truly is, would not behave with cruelty; but my mind is not +become so sordid, fallen as I am, as to turn petitioner for relief. But +no more, my Cecilia, let not my fate interrupt your happiness. + + + _November 4_ + +I have had a letter from Mrs Faulkland, filled with the overflowings of +a joyful heart. She says, Mr Faulkland is so delighted with the country +he is in, and finds his estate capable of such vast improvement, that he +thinks of making a longer residence there than he at first intended: the +rather as he has some suspicions that his agent has not acted faithfully +by him; and as he is sure the extensive plan that he has now laid down, +will be better executed under his own eye. He purposes building a little +convenient lodge on a very charming spot in the centre of his estate, +where he may reside whilst his works are carrying on; so that Mrs +Faulkland promises herself much pleasure, in spending her time partly +there and partly in Dublin. She has already made a large circle of +acquaintance, and bestows high encomiums on the great politeness and +hospitality with which they are received by all the fashionable people +in the county. + +She knows not of my mother's death; yet in my answer to her letter, I +cannot avoid mentioning it. Though I could wish for obvious reasons to +conceal it. Mr Faulkland well knows the ruin of our fortune; and though +he cannot suppose while I have a brother living that I am driven to such +streights, yet I know what his liberal heart may suggest to him on this +occasion, which might lay me under fresh difficulties. + +I have but just now apprised Lady V---- of the decease of my dear +mother, but have not insinuated any other grief than the loss of a +tender parent, and an agreeable companion. Indeed I have carried my +dissimulation so far as not to desire this lady to change her address to +me, lest if I gave her my present direction, she might be led to think, +necessity had obliged me to change my former lodgings for worse. I shall +use the same precaution towards Mrs Faulkland, as I have obtained +permission from the gentlewoman whose house I lately left, to have my +letters sent thither: when I go into the country a general direction to +the post-house may suffice. I shall now look out for some little spot to +retire to, where I can support life on the cheapest terms. In two months +I shall have my small pittance due to me, which I reserve to carry me +out of town, and to settle me in my new scheme of oeconomy in the +country. If I could persuade my poor Patty to quit me, and see her +settled in some eligible situation, I should then have no material +concern to attend to, but the bringing up my children in the paths of +virtue and humility. Humility, that happy frame of mind, on which so +much of our temporal as well as our eternal welfare depends. + + + _November 9_ + +Who shall say, now is the measure of my griefs complete: Providence thou +canst inflict no more! Oh my sister, in the midst of other sorrows, I +thought not of one that still remained behind; my children, my two +little angels! both dangerously ill. The small-pox is their distemper, +and of the worst kind. The disease has been hanging over them for some +days, and my close attendance on them, prevented me from using my pen. +The cruel distemper now appears with the most malignant symptoms. The +eldest always slept with me; I have resigned my bed to her for these +three last nights, and have watched by her. Patty has done the same by +the youngest. A humane and skilful physician attends them, but my +reliance rests not on him. + + + _November 12_ + +Three days and nights of sorrowful anxiety have at length produced a +little comfort to me. The distemper has now reached one crisis, whence +the physician can form a judgment with some degree of certainty, and he +bids me hope. Oh if it were not for that healing word, how could the +wretched drag on existence from day to day? I do, I will hope, for there +is a merciful providence that superintends his works. + + + _November 21_ + +Thank God! thank God! my Cecilia, the dear babes are out of danger. +Fifteen melancholy days and nights has their disconsolate mother watched +by the poor little sufferers; but I am fully repaid by having them +restored to my prayers. They are now able to sit up, and open their +pretty eyes which had been closed for so many days; and to add to my +satisfaction I think they will not be marked: but they are still so +feeble that it will be at least another fortnight before I can think of +venturing their little tender frames out of doors. + +The physician's care and diligence deserved a greater recompence than I +had it in my power to make him; however what I have done has reduced me +to a single guinea. But this affects me not I shall make no difficulty +of parting with some of my now unnecessary fineries, which neither I nor +my children probably will ever again have any pretensions to wear. + + + _November 22_ + +I have felt the wounds of grief, the pangs of disappointment, and the +smart of indignation! yet was my heart never more sensibly affected than +it was just now by a circumstance proceeding from a cause very different +from all these. I had taken out of my drawers a few superfluous +ornaments, which I desired Patty to dispose of as if they were her own, +to the woman where we lodge; being things in her own way of business. +The poor girl looked at me for some time with a grief in her countenance +that pierced me to the soul. There is no need, Madam, said she, with her +voice almost stifled, there is no need I hope as yet for this. You don't +consider, Patty, said I, that the children's weak constitution requires +now a more than ordinary attention to their diet; and I have not +sufficient to supply them long with such necessaries as they want. I +have no occasion for these trifles, and I cannot see my little ones +droop for want of such comfortable nourishment as may restore them to +their strength. Nor shall they want it Madam, answered Patty; don't be +angry with me Madam, if I beg you will let me use my endeavours to +supply them. What do you mean, said I, I know the goodness of your +disposition, but how have you it in your power? You know Madam, said +she, I am pretty expert at my needle; and as our landlady has always +abundance of work on her hands, I undertook to assist her, and have for +this fortnight past, while I was closely confined to miss's room, +finished a piece of curious work, for which she has this day paid me +thirty shillings. You amaze me, said I, I never saw you employed +otherwise than in your attendance on the child. I was afraid you would +be displeased, Madam, she replied, and always hid my work when you came +into the room, which I could easily do, as it was only a fine piece of +point which I was grounding; and as I sat up night and day, I had an +opportunity of sticking most constantly to it, which enabled me to do in +a fortnight, what to another hand would be a month's labour. Now, Madam, +with your leave, I can go on in this manner, and though perhaps I cannot +always earn so much, yet I am sure I can still procure enough to prevent +your being drove to the necessity of parting with your apparel, till we +are in a condition to leave such an expensive place as London is. And do +you think, my dear Patty, said I, with tears of affection and gratitude +in my eyes, that I will consent to take the fruits of your ingenious and +honest industry from you? No, no, if you can find time by these means to +procure a little supply for your own pocket, do so; but I will not +suffer you to expend a farthing of what you can earn, on my account. I +saw she looked distressed and confounded; excuse me, Madam, said she, +but I have made bold to lay out part of the money already; I thought the +poor children would want a little wine to nourish them, and indeed, +Madam, your spirits want some support after your long fatigue. I have +bought a few bottles of wine, Madam, and some other little necessaries; +I hope you will not take it ill. + +I pressed the affectionate creature's hand; I cannot be angry with you, +Patty, for your goodness, but such proofs of it as these distress me +more than my wants could. I accept of your kindness for this time, but +insist on your not doing such a thing again. If there be occasion for +it, I can apply to my needle as well as you, and would sooner do so, +than part with any of my things, since it gives you so much uneasiness. + +The poor girl was rejoiced at my acceptance of her friendly and tender +offer, and produced her little purchase, which was indeed both +seasonable and useful. + + + _November 23_ + +I had this day a letter from Lady V----. I send you a copy of it. + + 'I condole with you, my dear Mrs Arnold, on the afflicting loss + you sustained in your good mother's death. You mention not any + particular consequences from this accident; but I know, that by + Lady Bidulph's death, you are deprived of a considerable part of + your income, and on this account I have taken the liberty of + friendship, to send you a supply, which your family-calls may + require, till your affairs are settled upon a better footing. + + 'Let me know how you and your brother stand; if he should not be + so kind to you as he ought, I insist upon your looking on me as + your banker, who know not how to make so good a use of my income, + as sharing it with those I love as I do you. + + 'I am, &c.' + +The supply which Lady V---- mentioned, accompanied this letter, and was +a bank bill of three hundred pounds. + +I own to you, my Cecilia, that my first emotions were only those of joy, +surprize, and gratitude, for so unexpected and important a donation; but +when those were a little subsided, I began to reflect on the nature, and +manner of this noble act of friendship. I know Lady V---- is one of the +best women living; she is generous, and compassionate, and has always +honoured me with a particular regard; yet I must confess to you, her +present now comes to me suspected. I believe I told you, that Lady V---- +had retired into Lancashire, to live with an only sister she has there: +this Lady is a widow, and I have since been informed, was left with a +very numerous young family, and an income scarce sufficient to support +them genteely; they are now most of them grown up, and all the girls, of +which there are five, unprovided for. Since Lady V----'s departure, I +have been told, that it was principally on account of these young girls, +of whom she is extremely fond, that she went to reside with her sister, +in order to support them more agreeably to their rank; their father +having been a general officer, and a man of high birth. Lady V----'s +jointure is a thousand pound a year; but as I hear the family make a +respectable figure in the country, and I am sure Lady V----'s fondness +for her nieces, would induce her to save what she could, in order to +leave them something at her death, I cannot reconcile it to her +prudence, notwithstanding the liberality of her spirit, and the +friendship she has for me, that she should make so considerable a +present, at the same time give me as it were an unbounded letter of +credit on her. Had she sent me the sixth part of the sum, I should not +have doubted its being only the effects of her kindness towards me; and +in her present situation, as considerable a proof of it, as she ought in +regard to have given to one whom she has already bound under strong +obligations. But the largeness of the sum renders it suspicious; and to +tell you the secret inspirations of my heart, I fear it comes from a +different quarter. + +I made Mrs Faulkland acquainted with my mother's death, about the same +time that I informed Lady V---- of it. To neither did I give the most +distant hint of my circumstances, yet Mr Faulkland knows they cannot be +happy. He too knows better than any body, how far Sir George's +resentment may carry him. Is it not natural then, my dear, to imagine +that this man, who is generosity itself, should have taken this method +of making Lady V---- the channel through which he conveys his +liberality? I am sure it must be so. It is three weeks since Lady V---- +had the notice of my mother's death; Why thought she not sooner of +reaching out her supporting hand, if she imagined I stood in need of it? +I gave her no cause to believe I did; otherwise I make no question of +her ready friendship, as far as her abilities would go: but _she_ could +not know as well as Mr Faulkland how much my brother was exasperated +against me, and therefore could not suppose me to be as destitute as I +really am. She desires to know how my brother and I stand. This question +is not Her's; Sir George, for his own credit, perhaps has not told Mr +Faulkland what his conduct has been towards me, but he wants to be +informed. Contriving man! I will disappoint him; nor shall he heap such +obligations on me as must sink me under their weight. I will not receive +this suspected gift of Lady V----'s; but it is a delicate point, and, +whilst I refuse, I must take care not to offend. I will send Lady V---- +her bill back again, but in such a manner as to shew her, I refuse her +gift for no other reason but its being too valuable. + + + _November 24_ + +See, my Cecilia, whether I have succeeded in my endeavours to +refuse, with a good grace, my Lady V----'s offered kindness. + +This is my answer to her. + + To Lady V----. + + 'You oppress me, my dear and ever honoured Lady V----, by a + generosity and friendship that knows no bounds. Why will you force + me to appear proud, or ungrateful, by refusing the favours of so + true a friend? But, my dear Madam, do not believe me either the + one or the other. Had you sent me a trifling token of your love, + you would have been convinced of my respect for you, by the + thankfulness with which I would have accepted it; but do not seek + to humble me so far, my good Lady V----, by heaping favours on me, + which I can never have a prospect of returning. With equal respect + and gratitude, permit me, Madam, to return your too considerable + present. I cannot in honour, receive a liberality, which I am so + little intitled to; and the less, as Justice now demands, that + your bounteous heart, so diffusive in its generosity, should a + little restrain itself. + + 'I cannot say that my circumstances are as happy as they have + been; yet have I, I thank Heaven, accommodated my mind to them. My + brother has not been in town since my mother's death; but I am not + without hope that he will make my situation easy. On this account, + I know my dear Lady V---- will the more readily pardon my refusal + of her obliging offer, and believe that her goodness is not + bestowed on an unthankful heart. + + 'I am, &c.' + +In this letter I re-inclosed her bill, and have sent it off. Did I not +well, my Cecilia? If, as I strongly suspect, this present came from Mr +Faulkland, I should never endure myself, had I retained it. If it should +have really come from Lady V---- herself, I must still approve my own +conduct. The sum (circumstanced as she now is) was certainly too much +for _her_ to bestow, or _me_ to receive; and in the manner of my +refusal, I think I have insinuated this, with as much deference for Lady +V----'s judgment as I could shew. She will see my motive, and I think +that will be a sort of touch-stone, whereby I shall discover, from her +behaviour, whether my doubts are well grounded or not.-- + +Patty has, by her inquiries, heard of a little pleasant retirement in +the country, about fifty miles off, where my children and I can be +tolerably lodged and boarded for thirty pounds a year, at the house of +an honest farmer, a relation of hers; thither I shall repair as soon as +my little girls are in a condition to be removed. + + + [_Continued by Patty._] + + + _November 26_ + +The dismal task is fallen upon me again, to keep an account of our +melancholy days. My dear suffering lady is seized with a fever, and +confined to her bed. She orders me, Madam, to write down every thing as +it happens. Lord keep us! there is nothing but sorrows in this world: I +am sure, at least, my poor lady has had her full share of them. Her +close attendance on the children, and the loss of rest for so many +nights, has brought this new affliction on her. Oh, Madam, the loss of +health is a grievous thing, even when there are riches: what must it be +in my lady's circumstances? But she has the patience of Job himself. To +be sure, Madam, her trials are enough to put another beside themselves; +but I think my lady's courage increases with her troubles. I was +obliged, to-day, with an aching heart, to dispose of a fine lace head of +my lady's. I heard her say, it cost sixty pounds; but, though it never +was wet but once, I got but fifteen for it, and this, perhaps, may all +go to the doctor, if my lady's illness continues long. What does it +signify? We cannot buy health too dear. + + + _November 30_ + +My lady is better between whiles; the doctor says, her disorder is +chiefly on her spirits; and, though it is not dangerous, he is afraid it +will be very tedious. Lord! what will become of us if it is? + + + _December 3_ + +My lady has had a letter this day, from Lady V----, which she has +ordered me to send you, Madam, a copy of. + + To Mrs Arnold. + + 'You cannot imagine, my dear Mrs Arnold, how uneasy you have made + me, by your not accepting of the bill I sent you, because I too + well know the occasion you have for it. But, since you _have_ + refused (and I know the sincerity and strength of your + resolutions) I must not take to myself the merit of this friendly + and generous offer; too liberal indeed, as you, with great + delicacy, hinted, for _me_ to make. To let you into the secret at + once, and that your gratitude may be directed to the proper place, + it was from our noble friend Mr Faulkland that I received that + sum, with instructions to send it to you, as from myself, for he + well knows you would not have accepted it from him; but, since I + see you are determined to reject it, as coming even from me, I + think I ought, in justice to him, to place this act of friendship + to the right account. + + 'I had a letter lately from Mr Faulkland, wherein he tells me, + that having heard, from your correspondence with Mrs Faulkland, of + Lady Bidulph's death, he fears you are by her loss, rendered + extremely unhappy in your circumstances. He is not a stranger to + the losses you formerly sustained in your fortune, and he says + besides, he knows your brother's warm temper so well, that he is + apprehensive he will carry an unreasonable resentment he has taken + up so far, as to deny you that brotherly kindness and assistance, + which you have a right to expect from him. "If this be the case" + (he adds) "what must be Mrs Arnold's situation?" He then conjures + me to convey to you that trifle (as he called it) under the + sanction of my own name, that being the only one from which he had + a hope it would not be refused; and he farther said, that if you + should be prevailed upon, on account of the friendship which he + knew there was between you and me, to accept of my service, he + would contrive, from time to time, to furnish you with such little + supplies, as might make you easy, 'till Sir George and you should + be on better terms. Now, my dear Mrs Arnold, you have the truth of + this whole affair. I own it was with great reluctance I lent my + name to impose on you, but, as it was so much for your benefit, I + overcame my scruple. + + 'I could wish your extreme nicety had not forbid you to accept + this offer: I have reason to be angry with you on this account; + yet my amiable, sagacious friend, perhaps you had your doubts. Be + that as it will, remember you said you would not have refused a + small token of my love; I wish I could send you one worthy of your + acceptance, and the love I bear you; we should then see whose + punctilio should get the better. As it is, I send you a very small + token, which I insist on your taking, if you have the least + occasion; if this should be the case, I know the candour of your + heart, and that you will be too ingenuous to grieve me by a + refusal. + + 'I hope Mr Faulkland will not be angry with me for betraying his + secret; But what would it now avail to keep it? I would have + _you_, as well as myself, know his worth. Oh how I lament--but it + is to no purpose--Adieu, my dear good creature! you are tried like + fine gold, and your excellence is become the more conspicuous by + adversity--. + + 'I am, &c.' + +My Lady's spirits were greatly affected by reading this letter; she wept +bitterly, and was so cast down all day, I was afraid it would make her +disorder much worse. The good Lady V---- inclosed a bill of fifty pounds +in it. My Lady said she must not refuse it, but would thank her ladyship +whenever she was able to take a pen in her hand. God knows when that +will be; for though she struggles with her illness, it still gets the +mastery. The two young misses mend but slowly; they do not gather the +least strength, and one of them has such a weakness in her eyes that she +cannot bear the least light. Indeed, Madam, this is a most melancholy +family. I pray to God night and day to keep me in health, more for their +sakes than my own; for I think it would quite break my heart if they +should want my attendance, and I should not be able to give it to +them.-- + + + _December 6_ + +I write on. Madam, as I am ordered, though I have but little to say, in +the confinement of a dismal sick room, where I never see any body but a +doctor and an apothecary: but my lady is unwilling to let this packet +go, till she is able herself to tell you (with her own hand) that she is +better, for fear my dull account should make you uneasy. + + + _December 7_ + +There is such changes and turns in my lady's disorder, that we do not +know what to make of it. One while we think she is a little better, and +then again the next hour she seems much worse than before. The doctor +would have a consultation, though my lady is quite against it; but these +doctors love to bring in one another. My Lady V----'s present came in +good time, but if they go on at this rate it will not last long. My lady +said to me to-day, Patty one would think that I was of great +consequence, and mighty happy, by this bustle to preserve my life; but +there is the tie (pointing to the two children); for their sakes I must +try to get well. + + +[After an interview of six weeks written by Mrs Arnold in a hand scarce +legible.] + + + _January 20_ + +Restored at length by the mercy of God from the jaws of death! restored +to my children, to my dear Cecilia, and just able to tell her with a +feeble hand that her Sidney lives--. + + + _January 25_ + +I am now able, my dear, to reassume that task, once the most pleasing of +my life, when health, joy, and prosperity gilded all my days. The scene +is now changed; and I think I have nothing the same about me, but the +feelings and affections of my mind. You cannot imagine, my Cecilia, how +I am altered; you would not now say, that you envied my white and red; +you would hardly know me, and it is not to be wondered at, preyed on as +I have been for near two months by a slow but tormenting fever. It is +with difficulty that I hold my pen, but my willing hand obeys my heart +when it would pour itself out to thee. I have made a shift to scrawl a +few lines to my good Lady V----, to thank her for her kindness. I could +not refuse it! it would indeed have been disingenuous, considering the +footing on which she put my acceptance of it. I should have been driven +to extreme streights, if it had not been for her present, confined as +long as I have been to the languishing bed of sickness. + + + _January 26_ + +Patty heard to-day that my brother has been in town some time, but he +takes no notice of me. I have not a relation in the world but himself. +He could not sure be so cruel, if he knew all. But Lady Sarah keeps it +from him; she thinks perhaps I am slunk into some obscure corner, where +she leaves me to distress. Sir George is not of a savage nature, yet his +humanity is not strong enough to seek out the afflicted. His pride too I +know is gratified by having me out of the way of observation, and so +long as I do not call upon him, I find he will not enquire after me. + +The winter is now so far advanced, and I am in a condition so extremely +weak, that I cannot, till the spring advances a little, think of taking +my flight to my peaceful retreat in the country. I look eagerly forward +to the time of my enlargement; such I may call it, for indeed, my dear, +my spirits are quite exhausted with my long confinement in a little +close lodging in this irksome town. + + + _January 27_ + +The gentlewoman with whom I lodged in St Alban's-street, told Patty, who +went to her house to-day to enquire if there were any letters for me, +that there have been, at different times, several people of my former +acquaintance to look for me; but I do not find that one enquiry has come +from my brother. I had given the gentlewoman instructions not to tell +any stranger where I lodged. I believe this caution was needless, there +are few who give themselves the trouble to trace out the steps of the +unhappy; and I dare say, that those whom common form obliged to pay me a +visit of condolence on my mother's death, were none of them much hurt at +the disappointment of not finding me.-- + + + _January 30_ + +I have been laying down a little sort of plan for my future life. I told +you the terms I could live upon with the farmer whom Patty found out for +me; but as I cannot expect to be boarded at so cheap a rate when my +children are grown bigger, I have been devising the means how to enlarge +my scanty income against the time that our wants must necessarily +increase; for I am firmly resolved my kind Lady V---- shall never +augment the debt I already owe her. You know, my dear, I am pretty +dexterous at my needle; the woman where I lodge deals in embroidery, +which is much in fashion, and I think I have not seen any, though she +pays largely to her artificers in this way, equal to some pieces of my +own work. Now, my Cecilia, I have resolved to apply myself to this when +I get into the country. I shewed the woman a small fire-skreen wrought +by me when I was a girl, the same which I remember my poor Mr Arnold +accused me of neglecting for my Horace, and which had never been made +up; she said the work was so curious, that she would give any price for +such a hand. Patty is well skilled in this sort of work too, and as I +find she is determined not to quit me, I must, in return, endeavour not +to let the poor girl be too great a sufferer for her kindness. + +I think we shall between us be able to do a good deal, and my landlady +has promised to receive and dispose of our work for a small +consideration; as fast as we can send it to her; which we shall have +constant opportunities of doing. + +You cannot imagine how pleased I am with my scheme. Patty is in raptures +at the thoughts of her being permitted to continue with me. I would even +now set about my project if my health would allow me; but alas! my +Cecilia, I am still so feeble, I am not able to sit up more than an hour +or two at a time; and cannot walk a-cross my narrow room without help. +Fresh air and a little gentle exercise would I am sure, more than any +thing, contribute to restore my strength; but the means to procure +these, are not conveniently within my power; so that I must wait that +slow, but generally sure remedy, patience. + + + _February 10_ + +I have a wonderful incident to relate to you! you, my Cecilia, I know +will join with me in admiring and praising God for his gracious +providence! + +This morning I was but just risen and got down into my little parlour, +when Patty came to tell me, a man desired to speak with me. I +immediately ordered him to be admitted. Patty accordingly introduced the +person, who had stood in the entry whilst she was speaking to me. He +seemed to be a man between forty and fifty years old, mean in his +apparel, though clean. I nodded to my maid to leave the room, which when +she had done, I civilly demanded of the stranger his business. + +I was standing when he entered the room, and continued doing so while I +spoke to him, not thinking from his appearance that he was intitled to +sit down with me. You know I am not proud, but there is a sort of usage +established, which we naturally fall into. The man who had advanced some +steps into the room, looked over his shoulder as if for a chair; so I +understood the motion, and accordingly sat down myself, and bad him do +so too. He did, and with an air as if he considered the civility to be +only what was due to him. + +I believe, Madam, said he, though you do not remember me, that you +cannot be ignorant of your having had a relation of the name of Warner, +who went to the West-Indies about five and twenty years ago. I answered, +I do remember to have heard of such a person. + +You see that unfortunate man before you, he replied; I am your near +relation, Madam, your father was my mother's only brother: I have been +very unhappy; I lost, in my return to England, what almost five and +twenty years industry had scraped together: the sum was but a moderate +one, yet sufficient to have supported me decently for the remainder of +my life. I asked him, how it happened? I began, said he, to grow sickly +abroad, and was told that my native air might restore me. This advice so +well agreed with my own inclinations, which were, for a long time past, +bent upon returning home, that I took the first opportunity of a ship +bound for England; but we were unluckily met by a French privateer, who +stripped me of every thing but the clothes on my back, and set me on +shore on the coast of Spain, whence I begged my passage to England, +having nothing to support me but a few shillings, part of a collection, +made for me and my fellow-sufferers, amongst some English gentlemen. + +Whilst he spoke I thought I could discover a likeness in his face to my +father. He was reckoned extremely to resemble his sister, the mother of +this unhappy Mr Warner; she was a fine woman, and I had seen her +picture. His story was credible; and I had no reason to doubt the truth +of what he said. + +And here I will give you a brief account of what occasioned this +unfortunate relation to be thus long an alien from his family. + +His mother, as you have just now heard, was my father's sister, who +threw her person and her fortune away upon a broken officer. This act +disobliged my father so much, that from the time of her marriage, to the +hour of her death, he never would see her. Her husband died, when this +their only child was about nine years old; the poor mother survived him +but a short time, and the orphan boy was left to my father's mercy. I +have often heard him say he was very unlucky, and never could be +persuaded into a love of his book; he was, however, put to school, and +my father bestowed the same expence on his education, as if he had been +his own son. When he was about sixteen years old, as he wrote a good +hand, and had a great capacity for figures, he bound him apprentice to a +merchant, in which situation he had been above a year, (and during that +time he had made several elopements, and was with difficulty reconciled +to his master, through my father's mediation) when he committed such a +misdemeanour in his master's family as obliged him to abscond. +Accordingly he stole, unknown to any body, on board a ship bound to the +West-Indies, of which his master was partly owner, where he hid himself, +and nobody could tell what was become of him, 'till my father, about +nine months after his departure, received a letter from him, dated from +Jamaica, wherein he begged pardon of him, and his master, for his +elopement, told him, that he had been taken into a merchant's compting +house, and declared, that he meant, by his diligence and good behaviour, +to make amends for his past ill conduct. This was the only letter my +father or any of his friends ever had from him. He answered it; but had +no return; nor could he, from repeated enquiries, made two or three +years after, learn any thing of him; so that all his relations concluded +him dead. + +These particulars I had heard before from my father, and his relations +perfectly agreeing with them in every circumstance, I could have no +doubt but that he was the man. Sir, said I, I very well remember to have +heard your story; your likeness to my father, who was the image of your +mother, leaves me no room to question your being the Mr Warner, of whom +I have so often heard: you are indeed my near relation, and it grieves +my heart to see you in such distress; and the more so, as I have not the +ability I could wish to assist you; but we will talk over more +particulars after breakfast. I rang the bell, and ordered Patty to get +some coffee. While we were at breakfast, I asked my new-found kinsman by +what means he had discovered me so soon? (for, by the way, I should have +told you that he said he had been arrived but two days in London.) He +answered, that one of the English gentlemen, who had been so kind to him +at Cadiz, had given him a letter to a gentleman in London, for whom he +was to leave it at a coffee-house in Pall-mall; that as he was +delivering it, he perceived another letter lying on the bar, directed to +Sir George Bidulph. The two names struck him, remembering them to be +those of his cousin. His uncle, he supposed, was dead; but he determined +to enquire who that gentleman was, and if he found it to be my brother, +to apply to him for assistance. He had soon an opportunity of being +satisfied; my brother happened to come in his chariot to the door, just +as Mr Warner was going out; he knew the arms, and had some recollection +even of his features. It was past three o'clock, and I heard Sir George +direct his servant home. I concluded he was going to dinner, and that +the morning was the properest time to call on him, and having informed +myself where he lived, I accordingly went yesterday morning. + +He stopped, and sipped his coffee for some time without speaking. + +And did you see him, Sir? Yes, Madam, I saw him, and heard him too. He +has got a fine house, and seems to have every thing very elegant about +him. When I was let into the hall, I desired the footman to acquaint his +master that a gentleman, newly arrived from the West-Indies, wanted to +speak with him, being commissioned by Mr Warner, a relation of his, to +enquire after him. The footman went up stairs, and returning presently, +asked me if I brought a letter from the gentleman I mentioned. I said, +No, but I had something to say to him. + +The servant, after delivering this message, came halfway down the first +flight of the stairs, and leaning over the banisters, he bid me walk up. +I found your brother, and his lady (I suppose) in her dressing-room, at +breakfast. There was tea and chocolate on the table. I bowed very +respectfully; the lady scarce moved her head; your brother said, Your +servant, Sir, and viewed me from head to foot, but fixed his eyes +earnestly on my face. The footman who had introduced me had withdrawn. +Sir, said I, have you quite forgot me? I remember you well. He answered +hesitatingly, and with a change of countenance that boded me no good, I +protest, Sir,--I--I know nothing of you. 'Have you forgot your cousin +Ned Warner?' He looked at his wife, and she at him; he forced a smile at +her, which she returned, without knowing for what. 'I do remember there +was such a one related to the family, whom we all supposed to be dead; +as for recollecting his person--'tis really so long ago--that I--can't +say I do.' All this while he let me stand, he was lolling in an easy +chair, and had a dish of chocolate in his hand, of which he sipped and +spoke to me by turns. His wife was feeding a monkey that was perched on +her shoulder. + +I am indeed more altered than you, Sir George; the hardships which I +have undergone, and my long residence in a warmer climate, may readily +account for that; but have you no traces of my features? No recollection +of my voice? I have carried you many times in my arms. 'Sir, I do not +dispute the _identity_ of your person, but I should be glad to know +your commands with me.' _Commands_ I have none, Sir: the poor must +entreat, not command. + +I then proceeded to tell him my unhappy story in the same words I just +now gave it to you. His lady seemed not to mind me, but kept talking to +her marmouset. He listened to me, but with so much impatience in his +looks, as quite abashed me. I was still standing, but a little to take +off the aukwardnes of my posture, I had ventured to rest one arm on the +back of a chair. + +When I had done speaking, your brother got up in a violent passion, to +which he seemed to have been working himself up during the time I took +to explain myself. He whisked away the chair on which I was leaning, and +walked to the other end of the room; then turning to his lady, Is not +this a pretty fellow to force his way in upon us, by a sham story of a +message from a relation? and now truly by way of an agreeable surprize +he turns out to be that very relation come a begging in his own proper +person. Sir, said I, I ask your pardon for the liberty I took to gain +admittance to you; but you will be the more inclined to excuse me, if +you please to consider that it was out of respect to you that I would +not in the mean appearance I now make, acknowledge myself to any of your +servants; for the same reason I imagined, that had I not sent a message +which I was in hopes would have a little interested you in my favour, I +might have been ordered to send up my business by your footman, which +would I thought have been quite improper. You might have writ, said he, +interrupting me. Ah Sir, (shaking my head) if I _had_--and I stopped +short. 'You might not have been much the better for it: is that what you +would say? (with a contemptuous half sneer.) In short, Sir, I can do +nothing for you; what is it that you expect I _should_ do?' I do not +mean to be a burden on you, Sir, I replied, I was bred to business, I +write a good hand, and understand accompts. I hope to get into some +merchant's house; but in the mean time I am starving. I am an utter +stranger here, though in my own country. I observed he had slipped his +hands into his breeches pocket, and seemed to be feeling for a bit of +money. Sir George, said the lady, (who had observed him as well as I) +'tis to no purpose to give any thing to these sort of people; assist +one, and They will send another to you, and so there is no end to such +claims. Your brother withdrew his hand from his pocket, as if checked by +his lady's looks. 'Sir, it is not in my power to assist you.' I then +asked him if you were living, and where I could find you? for though you +were not born when I left England, I heard afterwards that Sir Robert +Bidulph had a daughter. Your brother replied peevishly he knew nothing +of you, as you preferred the friendship of strangers to that of your +relations. He then rang the bell, and calling his man to dress him, went +out of the room without casting a look at me. I ventured to ask his lady +your name (if you had changed it) and where you lived. She told me your +name, but said she knew not where you lodged, adding I might spare +myself the trouble of enquiring you out, for to her knowlege you could +do nothing for me. + +I took my leave, but enquiring of a footman whom I found in the hall, he +directed me to St Alban's Street, where you formerly lodged. I went +there, and it was with difficulty that I could prevail on the woman of +the house to tell me where you now lived; but my necessities made me +urgent, and I waited on you this morning, Madam, to make my distress +known to you; but I am afraid the information I had from your +sister-in-law concerning you has but too much truth in it. As he spoke +this he cast his eyes round my meanly furnished parlour, looked at the +poor equipage of my tea table, and again sipped his unfinished and now +cold dish of coffee. + +Sir, said I, when my sister informed you that I was poor, it is certain +she spoke truth; I am not, however, I thank God, _so_ poor but that I +can spare you a little; if you will take a cheap lodging near me, I will +supply you with enough to pay for it; and if you can eat as I and my +little family do, you shall be welcome to us every day till something +can be done for you. I see but very few people, but I will speak to such +as come in my way to try to have you recommended to some one for +employment. I then put my hand in my pocket, and taking out five +shillings (all the silver I had) I put it into his hand: Sir, you may +owe some little trifle where you have slept these two nights, I fear +your lodging has been but poor, but if this will not discharge it tell +me freely. + +He suffered me to drop the shillings into his unclosed hand. He fixed +his eyes eagerly on my face, but instead of replying to what I said, he +only cried out, Good God! good God! and undoing two or three buttons at +his breast, he sobbed as if his bosom was bursting. I was affected with +his gratitude, and tried to disperse the tears that mounted to my eyes. +I wish I could weep, said he, but I can't; and may these be the last +tears that ever you shall have occasion to shed! my worthy, my generous, +my pious relation! God forgive me for trying such a heart, but I will +reward it, amply will I reward your goodness. + +He then drew a red letter-case out of his bosom, and, opening it, he put +a bill into my hand for two thousand pounds on the bank of England. +Think, my dear, how I started at such a vision! Sir, you amaze me! was +all I could say. I beg your pardon for deceiving you, said he, but it +was with a good intent. I suppose it is needless to tell you that I am +not that poor forlorn wretch that I represented myself to you. Hear the +real truth of my circumstances. You see before you (of a private man) +one of the richest subjects in these dominions. You have heard that my +setting-out was no other than that of a common writing-clerk in a +merchant's counting-house at Jamaica; from whence I wrote twice to your +father, but never had any answer. I interrupted him to tell him, I had +heard my father say he had got one letter from him, and had writ to him +in return, and afterwards made many enquiries after him without success. +Perhaps he might, said he, but I never received it, nor heard of any +enquiries made, which piqued me so, that I resolved never to write +again. In a little time I made myself so useful to my master that he +grew exceedingly fond of me; and having no heir but an only daughter, +who it seems had conceived an inclination for me, though without my +suspecting it, but which her father had by some means discovered, he +frankly made an offer of her to me in marriage; with an assurance of +leaving me all that he was worth at his decease, and an immediate +proffer of entering into partnership with him. The only return he +required on my part, was to change my name, and assume his, which was +Collett. I made no scruple of complying; for though my regard to the +young lady had never risen to what is commonly called love, I yet +thought her in all respects an unexceptionable match. I married her; my +patron punctually fulfilled his promise; and at the end of three years I +found myself by his death in possession of a considerable estate. The +following year I lost my wife in childbed of her first child, who died +with its mother. The changing my name was probably the occasion of my +not being found out by those employed to enquire after me; and I perhaps +ought now to acknowlege myself careless in not acquainting my friends +with my good fortune. + +I had such uncommon success in trade that my wealth increased amazingly. +In about five years after the decease of my first wife, I married the +widow of a merchant, with whom I got an immense fortune. This lady I +truly loved. She was an amiable creature. I had one son by her, a fine +youth, and we lived happily together for twelve years; at the end of +which it pleased God to take from me both wife and child. Poor man! his +tears began to flow here. He proceeded. After this loss my own life +began to grow tiresome to me; I had more riches than I knew what to do +with, and had nobody to leave them to; my health began to decline; I +grew weary of the place, and resolved, partly to divert my melancholy, +and partly through affection to my native country, to see England once +more. I settled my affairs in the best manner, sent considerable sums of +money over before me, and brought a large one with me. During my voyage +the whim took me, that I would enquire privately after your family, and +present myself to you as I have done, in order to make trial of your +dispositions, resolving, according as I found you worthy of it, to share +my fortune amongst you, as I knew I had no other relations in the world. + +I have been in England above a month. The first thing I did was to go +down into Wiltshire, where I was soon informed that your father and +mother were dead, and that your brother was married and resided for the +most part in London; you, I was told, had been married and was a widow, +but I could learn no more about you. On my return to town I soon found +where your brother lived, and had the pleasure to hear a good character +of him; but I had determined to make my own experiment on him, and I did +intend, had he received me ever so kindly, to have made the same +experiment on you, before I disclosed my plot to either of you. + +I dressed myself in these old clothes on purpose, and what the success +of my scheme has been you know. Your brother, narrow hearted, inhuman +wretch, I blot forever from my thoughts: it will be the better for you, +though I have more than enough for you both. + +Your kindness, I tell you again, my valuable relation, I will repay an +hundred-fold. Accept of that bill in your hand for your present use. I +am sure you want it; and accept of it only as an earnest of my future +friendship towards you. That brother, in affluence himself, who could +see his sister, _such_ a sister want, must have lost all regard to ties +of blood, and 'tis no wonder that I, so much further removed in kindred, +met with such treatment at his hands. + +See, my Cecilia, what an amazing turn of fortune! What could I do but +lift up my eyes, as I did my heart, in silent adoration of that God, who +is a father to the fatherless, and defendeth the cause of the widow! + +It was some time before I could frame my mind to discourse on ordinary +subjects. I gratefully accepted my cousin's noble present. He enquired +minutely into my situation; there was no need of concealing any thing +from him, nor did I attempt it. He was very inquisitive as to my +brother's behaviour towards me. I told him the whole of it; he was even +bitter in his invectives against him, and Lady Sarah. But, said he, I +will have my revenge on them; I will make you triumph over him, and that +proud upstart his wife. What lodgings you are in my poor dear creature! +Is this your best room? I told him I had nothing but that and a +bed-chamber where the children and I lay, and a closet for my maid. He +desired to see the children, and I had them both brought it. He kissed +them tenderly; poor babes! you have a cursed uncle, but you have a very +good mamma, and I will take care of you all. + +I will dine with you to-morrow, said he; let us eat a comfortable morsel +together, and for your life not a word of what has past to any body. He +then took an affectionate leave of me and departed.--Let me here lay +down my pen and wonder at my fate! + +I have got into a flow of spirits, my dear. What scenes of happiness +might now open upon me, if happiness consisted in riches alone? but no, +no, it does not. My heart, broken by vexation, cannot recover its +tranquillity so soon. Yet is there room for joy, joy springing from a +rational, from a humane, from a commendable motive; and I will a little +indulge it. I can now in part return the vast obligation I owe Mr +Faulkland, as far as at least relates to pecuniary debts. I can now +repay many-fold the kindness of my good lady V----. I can provide for my +affectionate worthy Patty. I have the delightful prospect of giving my +children an education suitable to their birth; and, if my life is +prolonged, of seeing them honourably and happily settled in the world. I +shall have the glorious power of diffusing benefits! Oh, my dear, 'tis +good for me that I have been in trouble, it has so enlarged my charity, +that I feel transports which prosperity is a stranger to, at the bare +idea of having it in my power to succour the afflicted. Who would not +suffer adversity to have the heart so improved? + + + _February 11_ + +My new-found relation dined with me to-day according to promise. Patty +had provided two dishes of the best things in season, and dressed them +admirably; I need not tell you in what satisfaction Mr Warner and I +enjoyed our little chearful meal. He had sent me in the morning a hamper +of excellent wine, and seemed to relish his bottle with an extraordinary +good goust. + +When Patty had carried the children up stairs, and we were left alone, +he told me that he had been that morning looking out a house for me; you +must quit these lodgings directly, and submit a little to my management; +for I _will_ mortify your paltry brother and his wife. You shall have as +handsome a house as his, and better furnished too, or I'll know why. You +must know I mean to set you out like a dutchess, and you shall roll by +that worthless puppy's door in a better equipage than his minx is +carried in. But I do not intend to live with you as well as I love you; +for though I am an old weather-beaten fellow, you are young and +handsome, and the world I know is full of scandal. I shall therefore +content myself with a lodging some where in your neighbourhood, and come +and see you now and then. I thanked him for the prudence of his +consideration, but begged he would restrain his generosity, and suffer +me to live in that moderate state, which, if I had ever so much riches, +would be my choice. Don't oppose me coz, said he; pray don't. I _must_ +have my way in this, I have set my heart upon it. You shall _blaze_ for +a while at least; when I have had my revenge, you may live as you please +afterwards. I was unwilling to contradict him in his odd humour; yet was +very much afraid of the consequences of _blazing_, as he called it, all +at once. But dear Sir, said I what will the world think of my emerging +thus from obscurity into the splendour you talk of? though you do not +live with me, as I am still young, may it not give room for censure? +busy people will pry into the source from whence I draw my affluence, +and envy will not be backward in putting wrong constructions on an +appearance by which it will be so much excited. + +He listened, looking at me earnestly in the face; then nodding his head, +with a very grave countenance said, You are a sensible woman, coz, and I +commend your prudence, but I must have my will for all that. I could not +forbear smiling at his manner; and going on, if, said I, I were to enter +again into public life with a moderately genteel appearance only, +nobody's curiosity would be excited, as it might easily be supposed that +my brother had enabled me to support a decent figure in the world.--I +soon found that I had made use of a wrong argument, which put my friend +into a violent passion. A fiddle-stick for you and your brother too, +said he; do you think I will let that whelp have the credit of what _I_ +mean to do for you? no, no, set your heart at rest about that; what I +do, all the world shall know, and my reasons for it too. I'll have my +own way; there is no hurt I hope in providing for a near kinswoman, that +is left to starve by a still nearer relation. I make you my heir, look +you, and I will spread it all over the town. Is there any harm in that? +God knows I have no more ill in my heart than one of your children; but +I am a little resenting may be, so say no more of it. I found Mr Warner +was pretty positive, therefore thought it the wisest way to insist no +farther upon the argument; but told him I would submit intirely to his +discretion. It will be best for you, said he; consider me as your +father, and I will _be_ a father to you. He then told me that he had +been trying to get a house for me near my brother's, that I might _nose_ +him as he called it; but that as there were none empty in the square, he +had fixed on a very handsome one in an adjoining street. I did not like +the furniture, said he, so I ordered it out, and have bespoke new of an +upholder, who promises me, in a week or ten days at farthest, to have +every thing completely fitted up. In the mean time I can't bear to see +you in this sorry room; poor soul! how long have you been here? I told +him near four months, and that, with his permission, I would continue in +these lodgings till the house was ready, as it was not worth while to +change them for so short a time. Well, said he, you may do as you will +for that; I'll see that every thing is to your satisfaction. He took his +leave with an affectionate shake by the hand. + +How miraculous is all this, my dear! this messenger of good tidings, is +he not sent to me by providence? as I found he intended not to make a +secret of his designs in my favour, I was in haste to divulge the joyful +news to my friends. I have accordingly writ to my Lady V----, giving her +an account of the wonderful revolution in my affairs; and I intend, as +soon as I can fix upon some curious present worth her acceptance, to +make her a large return for her favours. I have also acquainted Mrs +Faulkland of the happy turn in my fortune, and I design a magnificent +present for her as soon as I have time to prepare it. To neither of +these ladies have I hinted at my brother's behaviour, either to myself, +or Mr Warner. I have made the good woman, with whom I lodge, stare +wonderfully at the relation. I could get nothing from her but +exclamations of astonishment, her hands and eyes lifted up, 'Good God! +Lord bless us! what strange things come about! what luck _some_ people +are born to! and this was your _own, own_ cousin that you never set eyes +on before? My goodness, what a swarthy gentleman he is! but tumbling in +gold, I warrant him. It would be long before such good fortune would +happen to me, though I have a cousin beyond seas too.' I could plainly +see that this poor woman envied my prosperity, though she tried to +congratulate me; but it is the less to be wondered at, as she knew not +that I was born to any better prospect, than that of working for my +bread in a two pair of stairs room. + + + _February 15_ + +I have not seen my honest kinsman these four days; but he sent me a note +to inform me that he was busy in seeing every thing put in order in my +new house; and that he abstained from visiting me out of _discretion_, +this word he marked, the more to impress his full meaning. He says I +shall not see any thing till all is ready, neither has he yet so much as +told me the street where I am to live. I find he _will_, as he himself +says, have his own way. + + + _February 22_ + +Now, my Cecilia, I may reasonably hope that my afflictions are at an +end: as far as wealth can promote felicity, that felicity is mine. + +I have just settled with my landlady, and having paid her for her +lodgings, made her a present, a little to reconcile her to my +prosperity, when a new chariot most superbly gilt stopped at my door; a +black and a white footman in rich laced liveries behind it. One of these +brought me a note from Mr Warner, who informed, me that he had sent my +_own_ equipage to carry me home, where I should find him waiting to +welcome me to my _own_ house. + +Patty seemed to have got wings to her feet; she flew up to me with the +welcome notice, and begged of me to observe from the window, that the +servants were in our own family livery; with this difference, that the +lace was silver instead of what we used to give. + +On expressing my surprise at this, Patty told me that Mr Warner had, at +his second visit, enquired of her, as she let him out, what liveries we +used to give, but bid her not mention it to me; which she said she would +not do, as she guessed he meant to surprise me. But this was not all, he +had been so minutely correct, as to have the Arnold arms in a lozenge +elegantly painted on the doors; what these were, he was at the pains of +informing himself elsewhere. My Patty almost frantick with joy hurried +the two children down stairs, and stuck them up in the chariot, telling +them both it was their own as she put them into it; but the poor babes +fell a crying, and were not to be pacified by the novelty or finery of +the thing till I came to them. She staid behind to send our little +baggage after us, and I drove to my new house in Pall-mall; where I +found my generous benefactor waiting, as he had promised, to receive +me. + +Oh my dear he is a princely man! such grandeur, such elegance! he led me +thro' every room, where wealth and magnificence were displayed even to +profusion. From top to bottom there is not the smallest article wanting +that luxury itself can imagine. The carpets, skreens, cabinets, and an +abundance of fine china, are beyond comparison more beautiful than any +thing of the kind I have ever seen. 'Tis but eleven days since my +kinsman mentioned his design to me, and you must believe he has been +indefatigable in his diligence, since he has left nothing for me to do, +but at once to take possession of this splendid mansion. All the +necessary domesticks are hired, and ready in their respective stations; +and I am already as much settled in a few hours, as if I had lived here +so many years. + +Mr Warner told me that as a trifle would not be sufficient to keep up +every thing in proportionable state about me, he intended to allow me +three thousand pounds a year. This appointment, said he, you are to +consider as your own property, and just call upon me as you would on +your steward. I am sure you will employ it well, you gave me a proof of +that in _your five shillings_. You need not be afraid of being too +profuse in your charities; when I die you will find yourself possessed +of the means of continuing them. + +Dear Sir, said I, long may you live to feel and rejoice in the blessings +which _your_ bounty will, through me, I hope, draw down on us both. I +leave you to enjoy yourself, said he; but I am impatient till your +brother knows what he has lost by his hard-heartedness. He cannot long +be ignorant of it, Sir, replied I; but indeed I flatter myself that he +is not quite so much to blame in regard to me, as we have both imagined. +You see he seemed to know nothing of my situation when you enquired +after me, and even threw out something like a reproach for my having +withdrawn myself without acquainting him where I was; I am very sure +lady Sarah never informed him of my having applied to her.--It was his +duty to have enquired you out, said he; did he not know you were poor? +He knew, said I, that my circumstances were very much streighten'd, but +he did not know _how_ much. Well, well, answered Mr Warner, it is good +in you to excuse him, but _I_ know him to be a narrow-hearted poltroon. +He took his leave, and said he would see me soon again, having taken +lodgings for himself in my neighbourhood. + + + _February 23_ + +I begin to doubt, my Cecilia, whether I am really awake or not! 'Tis +all enchantment! I am afraid my old kinsman is a wizard.... I have been +talking to, and examining my servants, to see if they are real living +people, or only phantoms; I look at, and handle the rich furniture of my +apartments to try if it be substantial!--'Tis all so--every thing +real--I beg my cousin's pardon for suspecting him of sorcery; I believe +he deals in no charms, but that all-powerful one--money. + +Now, my sister, what a spacious field is there opened before me! Three +thousand pounds a year! how many hearts will it be in my power to make +glad! and I will make many glad. + + 'O Lord God, who hast showered down thy blessings in abundance on + my head, vouchsafe me such a portion of thy grace, that I may + become an humble instrument of thy mercy, to those whom the rod of + adversity has laid in the dust. Teach me so to use this thy + bounteous favour, that _Thy_ honour, not _my_ worldly desires may + be promoted; that _Thy_ praise, not _my_ pride may be exalted. And + if, O Lord, thou hast chosen me to be the dispenser of thy + fatherly kindness to the afflicted that cry unto thee, quicken in + my heart such diligence, humility, and integrity, as may render me + not unworthy of the important trust. But if, O my God! thou has + sent riches only to be a trial of my strength, unsupported by + thee; be merciful, take them from me, and restore to me that + poverty, which first taught me to know myself.' + +Upon my knees I have poured out this prayer to the Almighty, and it is +the fervent wish of my soul that he would grant it. + + + _February 26_ + +You will smile, my dear, as I did, in pity of the meanness of poor Lady +Sarah; but proud people are always mean. I have been here but four days, +yet I find she has already heard of my metamorphosis. Indeed she could +hardly do otherwise, so near her as I am. Mr Warner has been very urgent +with me to drive out in my new chariot; this I readily complied with, as +both the children and I wanted air and exercise, and yesterday we drove +to Hyde-Park. I did not however go at the hour when there is most +company, but I conclude I was seen either by Lady Sarah herself, or by +some one who told her; for this morning, prodigious! she sent her woman +to me with a message. I had her called up stairs, and enquired very +civilly after my brother and his lady. + +She told me that Lady Sarah sent her humble service to me, and was very +much surprised that she had not heard from me in so long a time; that +she supposed I was gone out of town, but as Sir George seemed uneasy +that I never wrote to him, her ladyship had sent her to enquire for me +at my old lodgings in the Hay-Market, from whence she had been directed +to me here; and that she was ordered to tell me that her lady had talked +to my brother about the affair that I knew of, and that Sir George would +act agreeably to her request, if I would call or write a line to him. + +I found the woman had been instructed to feign an entire ignorance on +her lady's part of the change in my circumstances, but I was resolved to +let her see I had detected this paltry artifice. I could observe that +the servant, though she endeavoured to avoid it, eyed every thing in my +apartment with surprise and curiosity; and I concluded that Lady Sarah +had sent her for no other purpose, but to satisfy herself from her +maid's account, whether the report she had heard concerning me was true. +Tell your lady, said I, she needed not to have been at the pains of +framing such a message to have gratified her curiosity; my house is open +to any one who has a mind to look at it, even to Lady Sarah herself. You +shall see it all over, and may report to her ladyship what my cousin +Warner's bounty has done for me; and she may then judge whether I stand +in need of the assistance she now pretends to offer me. The woman looked +abashed, and though she seemed inclined to ask questions, was ashamed to +do so. This was that very servant who had so unceremoniously led me up +the back stairs when I went to visit her lady; but I appeared in a quite +different light to her now; I rang the bell, and ordered a footman to +_shew her the house_. She curtsied in silence, and withdrew. + +What a poor creature is Lady Sarah! Mr Warner called upon me before her +woman went away. I told him the whole passage. Oh! how he chuckled, and +rejoiced, shrugging his shoulders, and rubbing his hands! He wanted to +see the servant, but I was afraid he would be too strong in his insults, +and turned him from the point. + +He told me, he invited himself to dine with me; and accordingly he +favoured me with his company, and staid during the greatest part of the +evening. He is a man of a strong natural sense, though he is careless of +improving it. He has passed his life in business, and in acquiring +riches. He does not let me into the particulars of these, though he is +in other respects very communicative and entertaining. There is a +whimsical vein runs through his conversation. He now, for the first +time, desired me to give him the particulars of my life from my +childhood, which he had but a partial account of, at different times, +from myself. I took up the story at the earliest period of my life, +wherein any thing interesting had occurred, and traced every +circumstance minutely to the hour he first saw me. + +I could easily see that he had a tender sympathizing heart, for he was +moved to tears more than once during my relation; nor was he ashamed of +them, for he suffered them to run down his cheek, whilst he listened +with mute attention to my story. He praised Mr Faulkland highly, said he +was a man after his own heart, and deserved the best woman in the world. +I wish you had married him, said he, such a princely fellow deserves a +princely fortune. He owned my brother had some reason to be nettled at +my refusal of such a man. Our sex, said he, have not such _chimæra_ +notions as you women have; but still that does not excuse his +sordidness. + +I took this opportunity of telling Mr Warner that my brother did not +really know the very great distress I was in, and that I had reason to +believe, from the general tenor of Lady Sarah's character, that she had +either concealed it from him, or made misrepresentations of my case; +doubtless she had not informed him to what streights I was reduced +immediately upon my mother's death; and who knows but Sir George, having +left me for a while to feel the effects of that resentment, with which +he had threatened me in his last letter, still meant to shew himself a +brother; for if he were ignorant, as I am willing to believe, of that +particular which I have mentioned, he could not suppose that I was +driven to absolute want; and from Lady Sarah's insinuations, perhaps he +thought that my mother left a sum of money behind her. He knew not of +the illness that my children and I were visited with; and indeed it +appears to me, from what he hinted to yourself, that he was quite +unacquainted with my situation. + +To say the truth, Cecilia, as you know I am of a placable disposition, I +should be glad to be on good terms with my brother, the only relation +(my kinsman excepted) that I have in the world. I was willing therefore, +if possible, a little to reconcile Mr Warner to him; as I durst not, +without his permission, seek a reconciliation with Sir George. + +There _may_ be something in what you say, coz, answered my friend; +perhaps he had a mind to let you bite on the bridle for a while, and I +am willing to suppose with you, that hereafter, may be, he would have +given you some dirty trifle; for a generous thing I am sure he is not +capable of, from his sordidness to me. I found this stuck most with the +good man. Oh, Sir, said I, but consider Lady Sarah's influence stepped +in _there_ too. My brother, you acknowlege, _was_ going to give you +something, 'till she interposed.--Half a crown, I suppose, said he: To +say the truth, I believe she is the worst of the two. She has a great +deal of pride. Sir, answered I; she has communicated some of it to my +brother; probably he was mortified and disconcerted at the sight of so +near a relation, in his wife's presence, whose exteriour appearance +could do him no credit; perhaps, had you applied privately to him, he +would have behaved better. You have not much worldly wisdom, replied my +cousin, to excuse him thus; however, I think the better of you for it, +whatever I may do of him. But speak honestly now, don't you want to be +friends with Sir George, that he and his wife may have an opportunity of +seeing you in all your finery? As I knew Mr Warner's temper, I was +resolved to humour him in it, and thought I could not give my desire of +seeing my brother a better turn than this, to one of my kinsman's +disposition. To deal with you openly, Sir, said I, I think our triumph +over Lady Sarah will not be complete, unless she herself is a witness of +that high fortune, of which she might have been a partaker, had it not +been for her own meanness of spirit. And to be sincere with you, my +Cecilia, I did think Lady Sarah deserved this mortification, though it +did not so far influence me as to make me desirous of being on terms +with her: as for my brother, I was governed by no other motive than +affection towards him. + +Well, said Mr Warner, suppose you were to invite them both to dine with +you, and to have me at table, handsomely dressed out (for I can dress +fine when I please) and let them see that the man, who was not thought +worthy to sit down in their presence, they had better have used with +more ceremony. Oh, Sir, said I, that would be too severe an insult; +besides, I doubt whether my brother would come; you know he is angry +with me, and thinks he has reason. If you will permit me first to call +on my brother, when we are reconciled, I can afterwards ask both him and +his lady to my house; and though I am sure you have too much good nature +and politeness to shock them all at once, by violating the laws of +hospitality in this house, which your bounty has made mine, yet will you +have sufficient room for retaliation, by treating them, in your turn, +with neglect. + +Thou art a milkly thing, answered Mr Warner; but as I am willing to +please you, you may do as you like; but by--, and he swore a tremendous +oath, they shall never have a cross from me. + + + _February 27_ + +Having obtained Mr Warner's consent, I went this day to my brother. He +was not at home; but I was introduced to Lady Sarah, for whom I +enquired. Poor woman! how she looked! My resentment was disarmed; and I +felt nothing but pity. Her confusion was so great, she knew not how to +receive me; she curtsied, without knowing what to say, or how to behave. +I would not embarrass her too far, but taking a chair by her, As you +favoured me with a message yesterday, Lady Sarah, said I, in as obliging +a tone as I could speak, I thought it a sisterly duty to wait on you and +Sir George: I hope my brother is well, I long to see him, and flatter +myself he will forget all former coldness, and again be my brother. + +I spoke this long sentence on purpose to give her time to recover +herself. She rubbed her hand over her forehead, I believe to hide the +glow that was in her face from my first entrance: 'Lord, Mrs Arnold--I +am so surprized--this visit was so unexpected--I thought you were in the +country'--(her woman you know had been with me the day before, I passed +this by however) I have not been out of town at all, Madam, I was +detained by illness--'I am mighty sorry for it--I hope you are quite +recovered--pray, why did not you let me know you were ill?' As I had +heard nothing from you, Madam, after my first message, I was afraid that +the mediation, you were so kind as to promise me, had failed, and that +my brother's resentment was so great, he would not hear of me. + +'Oh dear, that is true indeed--it was a sad affair--I mentioned you to +your brother when he came to town; but he was in _such_ a passion, I +durst not name you to him again.' (She durst not name me, observe that, +my dear; poor George, whom she governs with despotic sway). Then +probably, Madam, my brother knew not _all_ my distress? I protest I +don't know--said she--you know your brother is very warm, and whenever I +attempted to speak of you, he always stopped me short--so--I don't know +how it was; but I never could get to tell him your situation--I should +think I had great reason to resent my brother's cruelty, Madam, said I, +if he had known those particulars of which my maid informed _you_, but +since he did not, I will not reproach him; neither will I accuse your +ladyship of unkindness in concealing them from him. My sufferings are, +thank God! at an end, and I am now come to offer you, and Sir George, +my sisterly love; I hope he will not refuse me his love in return, I +have nothing else now to ask for. She blushed again, and seemed in great +confusion; 'You are very good, Mrs Arnold, we must forget and +forgive.'--Shall I not be permitted to see my brother, Madam? By the +message I received from you, I was in hopes you had prevailed on +him--The _poor_ woman was now struck dumb. She felt for her snuff-box, +and _would_ not find it in her pocket; but got up to look for it to gain +a little time; rumaged her toilet, and at last, took it out of her +pocket; offered me a pinch of snuff, then sat down again. Why, that +message, to tell you the truth, said she (forcing a conscious silly +smile) your brother knew nothing of; but not having heard from you in so +long a time, I was resolved to enquire after you; and was determined +myself, out of my own pin-money, to allow you what I could spare, till I +could get Sir George in better temper; but I made use of his name +because I thought you would more readily accept of any thing from him +than from me. Your brother thought you were actually in the country, +till we were surprized with the account of the _wonderful_ fortune that +has come to you lately. 'Then you _had_ heard of it, Madam, interrupted +I, before you sent to me?' an untoward question, my dear; it plunged her +again in the mud, and she flounced and floundered to get out, which only +sunk her the deeper. We had heard a strange flying report, said she, of +which I did not believe a word, and therefore sent Holmes (that is her +woman's name) to you to offer you my service. + +I was not ill-natured enough, my Cecilia, to persist in embarrassing +this mean woman any farther, though the insincerity of her whole +behaviour, and the low falsities she had recourse to, very well deserved +reproof. I was glad to find my brother was not so culpable as he had at +first appeared; for I could easily discover from the whole tenor of her +discourse, she was so far from giving him any intimation of my distress, +that she had prevented him from enquiring after me, by telling him that +I was gone out of town; probably too with some aggravating +circumstances, either of a pretended neglect on my side towards them +both, or, perhaps, some other falshood still more injurious. It was very +apparent that she had sent her maid only as a spy, and, by way of +passport, with a sham offer of kindness, of which she knew I stood not +in need: and she depended on my pride and resentment so justly provoked, +for my never coming to any explanation either with her or my brother. No +wonder then she was so confounded at the sight of me, and the more so as +she apprehended I might reproach my brother, who could so well excuse +himself by pleading ignorance of my situation: and her conduct must then +appear so despicable to her husband, that hardy as she is, she would be +at a loss to justify it. + +All this being very obvious to me, I determined to make her easy at +once. I shall think no more of what is past, Lady Sarah, said I, I only +wish to be on terms of friendship with my brother and you; and since he +knows not of the message you sent to me, I will not mention it to him, +nor any thing else that can recall past unkindness. I hope this visit +will be taken as it is meant, out of pure affection, and that you, +Madam, will be so kind as to make my peace with my brother; whom I am +very sorry I was under a necessity of disobliging; but as I never did +offend him, and I am sure never should but in that one instance, wherein +_I_ was so much more nearly interested than himself, I hope he will +think no more of it; but restore me to a share of his love, which is all +that is now wanting to my happiness. + +This declaration (as I intended it should) entirely restored Lady +Sarah's tranquillity. Her countenance brightened up; I'll take upon me +to answer for Sir George, said she, that he _shall_ restore you to his +affection; I shall insist upon a general act of oblivion being passed on +his side, and I beg, sister, on your part, that you may not, by +reproaching your brother, revive the memory of your past coldness. + +The weakest people are often very cunning; this caution of Lady Sarah's, +artfully enough introduced, conveyed an obvious meaning to me, very +different from her pretended reason; she was afraid of an +eclaircissement. I promised her I should meet my brother, whenever he +would permit me, as if nothing had ever happened to disturb our +friendship. + +See, my dear, how this woman, do _durst_ not name me when I was poor, +took upon her now to _make_ her husband, whose anger had so much +intimidated her, subscribe intirely to her opinion: but I was now become +an object of attention; a finer house, and a finer equipage than her +ladyship's, gave me an indisputable title to that regard, to which, as a +_sister_, and in distress, I had not the least claim. + +She now ventured to ask me some particulars relating to the very +extraordinary change in my fortune. I satisfied her minutely, not +without mentioning the cause of Mr Warner's having made me the _sole_ +object of his bounty. Poor Lady Sarah could not conceal her vexation at +the thoughts of what she had lost by her ill-timed pride and parcimony. +A strange whimsical old mortal, she called him, to come upon them so +abruptly, and in such a scandalous garb, that Sir George was quite +ashamed of him. I am glad, however, Mrs Arnold, that he has made _you_ +the better for him; I hope he will continue his fondness; but such odd +humourists are not to be depended on. Don't tell him, however, what I +say; I should be glad to shew him any civility in my power, for his +kindness to you. + +I took my leave of her ladyship, with a cordial invitation to come and +see me; which she said she would not fail to do. + +Mr Warner called on me for a few minutes in the evening to know the +result of my visit, as I had told him I intended to make it. I related +every thing that had passed between Lady Sarah and me; he enjoyed her +confusion as I described it; with a triumphant satisfaction, which +nothing but a very strong resentment could have excited in so +good-natured a man, as he really seems to be. + +He has added to my store of china to-day (of which I have already an +abundance) a pair of most magnificent jars, above four feet high, which +he values at a hundred and fifty pounds; these, with an entire service +of the finest Nankeen china, and a most beautiful Persian carpet, I have +set apart as a present for Lady V----, and shall send them to her the +first opportunity. + +I have also got him to bespeak a set of jewels to the amount of fifteen +hundred pounds, with which I intend to present Mrs Faulkland. This sum +will not exceed my debt to Mr Faulkland, if his agreement with Pivet +stands in force for the term prescribed. + +Mr Warner, who mightily loves to be employed, has undertaken to get +these jewels made up for me in the most elegant taste. + +This man's generosity is as inexhaustible as his riches; I fancy he is +still some way concerned in trade, though he does not tell me so. These +jars he said he had just received by the arrival of an East-India ship, +and I understand that his former dealings were extremely extensive: all +over the world, he said, where there was commerce, he put in for his +share. + + + _February 29_ + +Lady Sarah has returned my visit; she was not slow you see in her +ceremony. _So_ obliging, _so_ polite; every thing praised, and admired; +and _sister_ at every second word, and the children caressed, _Arnold's_ +children. What a fine thing it is, my dear, to be independent! I shewed +her all my house; but not with ostentation. I thought it would have +looked affected not to have recommended so much wealth and elegance to +her notice. My sideboard she says is absolutely the handsomest she ever +saw; indeed both for workmanship and richness it does surpass any I have +seen. + +She told me she had talked to my brother and that though he still +resented my obstinacy, as _he_ called it, yet as I had made such +advances towards a reconciliation, he was very ready to meet me, and +desired every thing might be forgotten on my side, as it should be on +his. He would have come to see you, added Lady Sarah, but as he does not +chuse to meet Mr Warner, he would rather that the first interview +between you were at his own house. I told her ladyship I would breakfast +with her the next morning, and we parted upon wonderful courteous +terms.-- + + + _February 30_ + +Just returned from my brother's. Sir George received me with open arms, +and I returned the embrace with the utmost cordiality of affection. +Surely, my dear, there is something wonderfully powerful in the natural +affections; Sir George, spite of his resentment, his turbulence, and the +threats denounced against me, could not at sight of me, after an absence +of so many months, resist the first impulse of his heart, in giving me +strong tokens of brotherly love; though probably had he not seen me, the +latent tenderness might have lain for ever dormant in his heart. + +I entered immediately on the topic of my extraordinary acquisition, as I +was determined not to lead to a subject which might bring on +explanations so much dreaded by Lady Sarah; and I could observe that my +brother avoided any thing tending that way as much as I did. + +He congratulated me heartily on my good fortune, but said, between jest +and earnest, that if he could have divined his cousin Warner had come to +him to make experiments, he should have taken care to have treated him +better. But I don't know how it was, said he, he came in an evil hour; +and I was in an ill humour. + +Lady Sarah kept up the conversation with a great deal of vivacity; +always taking care to keep us clear of the rock she was afraid of, till +a lady, with whom she was engaged to go to an auction, called to take +her up. Sir George would fain have detained me, but she insisted on my +going with her, to have _my_ judgment she said on the things she +intended to buy. It appeared to me that she did not chuse to leave my +brother and me together, for fear mutual confidence (in the fullness of +our hearts) might have brought her disingenuous proceedings to light; +but cunning people often over-act their parts; she was so extremely +pressing, that my brother could not but take notice of it. I acquiesced +to avoid giving her uneasiness; having first engaged my brother to dine +with me on Friday. Lady Sarah and he both consented, but premised that +Mr Warner was not to be of the party; this I ventured to promise, as I +was resolved if Mr Warner invited himself, which is his usual way, to +put him off by fairly telling him the truth, and trusting to his +good-nature for the consequence. + + + _March 2_ + +After the trivial incidents of these last two days, my Cecilia, now +hasten to more interesting particulars. But first a word or two of my +cousin Warner. I had not seen him since the day that my brother and I +met, till this morning; when he called to ask me how I did, and to know +how the puppy George, as he calls him, had behaved to me. After having +satisfied himself in this enquiry, in a way the most favourable I could +for my brother, I told him that as I had really found both him, and his +lady extremely penitent and mortified, I had asked them to dine with me +that day. I am glad of it, said he (very quick) I'll be here to snoutch +them. Dear Sir, said I, for heaven's sake have a little compassion; you +cannot conceive how humbled they are; they dare not look you in the +face, and it was one of their conditions with me, before they would +consent to come, that they should not see you. Ho, ho, said he, +exultingly, have they changed their Note? Well, I will not distress you +so far in your own house, as to mortify them with my company at dinner, +but if I should take it in my head to drop in, in the afternoon, you +must not take it amiss. I only want to see them look a little like +fools. + +I could not venture to oppose him in this, but resolved to make it as +easy as possible by preparing my brother and sister for his visit. + +I told him that would do extremely well, and he went away rejoicing at +the thoughts of his intended triumph. + +Mr Warner had but just left me when I was surprized with a message that +Sir George was below. I went down to him directly, and seeing him in his +morning-dress, imagined that something had happened which prevented +their dining with me, and that he called to excuse himself; but he +undeceived me presently. As I had not an opportunity, said he, of asking +you any questions the other day, and shall be prevented probably in the +same manner this day, I am come to have an hour's chat with you before +dinner. And first pray inform me, Sidney, where you have lived ever +since my mother's death, and how it comes to pass that in all this time +you never took any notice of either Lady Sarah or me? As to your first +question, brother, it is easily answered, I have never been out of +London: for the rest, lest us avoid all retrospection, which can now +answer no end to either of us. + +You surprize me, said he, I understood you had been in the country; Lady +Sarah told me that you were gone to Lady V----. + +She was misinformed, I replied-- + +What was the meaning, then, said he, that you never called, or sent to +her? _She_ had no resentment to you, though _I_ had. + +Dear Sir George, ask me no more questions. I thought it had been +premised that we were not to talk of the past. + +I see, Sidney, answered he, there is something you have no mind to +explain; you know I love and respect my wife, and that I cannot easily +be brought to take any thing ill of her; but she was so extremely +earnest with me not to ask you any questions, that it made me suspect +there was something she had a mind to conceal from me. What confirms me +in this opinion is, that as I know you are ingenuous and open to +conviction you would have made me some apology for a neglect both of me +and Lady Sarah, which, you could not but suppose, offended me, if you +had not looked upon yourself as by much the most injured Person. + +You urge me very home, brother; I thought I was injured when you +disclaimed all relationship to me, if I did not comply in a certain +particular, which I was not at liberty to do. + +I _was_ very angry with you, said he, but should not have carried my +resentment any lengths after my mother's death, if you had made any +concession, or desired to throw yourself under my protection, instead of +a stranger's, for Lady V---- comparatively is one. I could not suppose +you were in immediate want of my assistance, as I understand my mother's +private purse was not inconsiderable, and to tell you the truth, I was +resolved till you did condescend to inform me of your situation, not to +give myself any pain about you. + +I can only tell you in two words, Sir George, that you have been +extremely misled in regard to me; I wish not to revive so disagreeable a +subject, pray say no more of it. + +But one word more, said he, just for my own satisfaction, and then I +have done: was Lady Sarah made acquainted with your circumstances? You +must have lived in miserable obscurity to be so long in London without +my knowlege. + +You love and respect your wife, brother; you must not take any thing ill +of her. + +I am answered he replied: He walked about the room, and I could see he +was ashamed and affected. + +You will make me very unhappy, Sir George, said I, if you resent any +thing on my account to your lady; she did not think perhaps that things +were quite so bad with me as they really were; but if she heard (which +by the way I knew was an invention of her own) that my mother left any +thing behind her, she was deceived, there really was nothing. But let us +call another subject.--When did you hear from Mr Faulkland? It is some +time since I have had a letter from his lady. + +His lady he repeated, and stamping with his foot, cursed be hour which +gave her that title! + +Dear Sir George, you shock me! how can you be so uncharitable, so +unchristian? + +If you know her as well as _I_ do, said he--and shook his head. + +You are so strong in your indignation against her, I replied, that you +almost make me suspect that you _do_ know more of her than I do; her +weakness in regard to Mr Faulkland excepted; I could never entertain an +ill thought of her; but you have raised a curiosity, which, though I +tremble to have it gratified, yet I must beg you to speak out. + +Do not think me malicious, Sidney, said he, a woman's reputation is too +sacred a thing to be trifled with; if her weakness, as you call it, had +been confined to Mr Faulkland, _hers_ should be so with me: but I cannot +think with temper on the sacrifice that noble fellow has been forced to +make to caprice. + +Dear brother, explain yourself, you terrify me. + +My heat on this occasion, he answered, would be unjustifiable, if I had +not _proof_ for what I say; Miss Burchell, for I will not call her by my +friend's name, is that monster, a female libertine, a rake in the worst +sense of the word. + +Monstrous! cried I, your prejudice makes you believe every cruel tale +you may have heard.-- + +_Heard_, he interrupted with an indignant smile, the d--l's in it if I +have not more than hear-say for my knowledge. + +Lord! brother, you make me shudder, what do you mean? + +He replied, you will not believe me perhaps when I tell you that _I_ am +as much obliged to Miss Burchell's favour, as Mr Faulkland was. + +If Sir George had plunged a dagger in my heart, I could not have felt a +sharper pang. He saw me struck with amazement and grief. + +I knew it would shock you, said he, but you extorted the secret from me; +for a secret it has, and ever should have remained, but in my own +justification you compelled me to disclose it. + +You know, said he, that from the first I never considered Faulkland's +engagement to her, as a serious one, nor in any shape binding: this +judgment I formed without knowing any thing of the woman, but from +Faulkland's own representation of the fact; tho' to say the truth, he +always spoke of her with more tenderness than she deserved, and imputing +her frailty to her love of him, was, as most men are apt to do on such +occasions, disposed to judge favourably of her. The first time I saw her +was at Sidney-castle; that time when my mother invited her, and when, +you may remember, I went down there in compliment to my mother. I own I +thought her extremely agreeable, which was alone sufficient, to make me +a little more than barely polite; but my mother's extraordinary +attachment to her, engaged me to go still farther, and to oblige her, I +was more than ordinarily attentive to please Miss Burchell. When I +assure you upon my honour that I had no farther views, I believe you +will not doubt my veracity; but whether Miss Burchell mistook my +civilities for fondness, or whether, as I rather believe, her natural +disposition was so loose that every man she saw lighted up a flame in +her heart, I know not; but certain it was, she made me such advances +that I must have been extremely stupid not to have understood her, and +absolutely frozen to have repelled her. + +My good mother's unsuspecting temper permitted us too many +opportunities, and the light ones of your sex do not easily forgive the +neglect of those. + +In short Miss Burchell yielded to the impetuosity of her wishes, and I +followed her lead, more through vacancy, and a want of better +employment, than out of inclination. I was very glad when she was +recalled home, for I was heartily wearied of her. The day before she +left Sidney castle, when we were alone, she said to me, I have too great +a reliance on your honour, to suppose you capable of injuring my +reputation by ever divulging what has passed between us; I am easy +therefore on that head. But there is one circumstance on which you must +give me the most solemn promise that is in your power to make, without +which I shall be the most unhappy creature in the world. I know there is +a friendship between you and Mr Faulkland, and I am not ignorant that +you men in your unreserved moments of confidence, do not scruple to +disclose such secrets as I have trusted you with; I do not fear your +imprudence with regard to any one else; but it is of the utmost +importance to me that _He_ in particular should never know what my +tenderness for you has led me into. You know I have a son by him; he has +hitherto provided liberally for the child's maintenance; and to let you +into a secret, which nobody besides must know, I myself am indebted to +him for the principal part of my support; though he, as well as the rest +of the world, believe that I have a fortune. Now though I do not +entertain the least hope, nor indeed wish, ever to be Mr Faulkland's +wife, yet would it be of terrible consequence to me to forfeit his +regard, which you may naturally suppose would be the case if he were to +come to the knowlege of what has happened. He has given me to understand +by his house-keeper that when he comes to England he will provide for +me; the woman hinted something like a design of his making a handsome +establishment for any worthy man of whom I should make choice; +insinuating at the same time that this depended on my conduct. I have no +thoughts of marrying, but as mine and my child's future welfare must be +chiefly owing to Mr Faulkland, you see the necessity there is for my +preserving his good opinion. For this reason then, my dear Sir George, +you must swear to me that you will never betray me to him. + +The reasons were so plausible, and the request so natural, that I made +no scruple of giving her a solemn oath to preserve the secret inviolable +from Mr Faulkland's knowledge; for so she herself worded the promise she +urged me to make: in regard to any one else, she said she was satisfied +all assurances were needless. + +You see, continued my brother that by this declaration she laid me under +a double tye of secrecy. As I had no conception that Faulkland could +ever be brought to think of marrying her, I thought myself bound not to +injure her in his opinion: and therefore religiously kept my promise. +Faulkland was not then in England, but when returned, and came to visit +me at Sidney-castle, just at the time you parted from your husband, he +spoke of Miss Burchell in a manner, which though it convinced me he had +a regard for her, and wished to see her happy, yet was it far from +alarming me on his account; I therefore should have thought it the +highest baseness and cruelty to have hurt her in his esteem. + +I never have had the least intercourse, either by letter, or otherwise, +with Miss Burchell, since we parted. I make no doubt but she has +dispensed her favours wherever her inclination has led her, and you see +she has had the good fortune to keep all her amours secret. But what +hope can there be that such a profligate will keep her faith to _one_ +man, though that man is the most amiable in the world. + +Oh brother, what a scene of iniquity have you disclosed! I would to +Heaven you had kept the horrid secret to yourself, or divulged it time +enough to have prevented the misery into which I, unhappy that I am! +have precipitated your friend. But I ought not to blame you, you acted +agreeably to the dictates of honour. Detestable woman! I cried in the +bitterness of my heart. I do not wonder at her cautioning me against +letting you into my design of urging Mr Faulkland to marry her; I then +little knew the reason you had for the opposition she said you would +give to this fatal match: every thing fell out to her wish, and +coincided to promote her successful guilt.--Your absence from London, +mine, and my mother's urgency, and the too generous yielding of our dear +unhappy Faulkland. I burst into tears--my heart was torn with anguish, +and in that instant my tenderness for him revived. Sir George strove not +to comfort me. He was too much affected himself. + +I have but one hope, said I, and that is in the extraordinary love she +has for Mr Faulkland, and his uncommon merit, which may probably ensure +to him the continuance of it. + +You know not what you say, answered my brother; the merit of an angel +could not secure the fidelity of such a heart as her's. Her love is +gross; a new object will always have charms for her. Had I been as +credulous as Faulkland, I should have thought myself the idol of her +soul, so lavish was she in her expressions of tenderness. + +Is it not strange though, I asked, that with so loose a mind, she should +have so long preserved an attachment to Mr Faulkland? for most certainly +her affection to _him_ has at least been sincere. + +Her affection to his estate, answered my brother, has, I believe, all +along been sincere: Do you not know she is a beggar? + +I told him, in this she had imposed on him, to answer her own ends, in +engaging him the more firmly to keep her secret; for to my knowledge, +she has seven thousand pounds, as I was informed by Lady V----, who knew +her circumstances. + +Sir George vented two or three curses on her head. I am not surprized at +any instance of her falshood, said he; she is made up of deceit. Such +characters as her's are not uncommon; but none of them ever fell in your +way before, and I hope never will again. If you will look back on her +whole conduct, however it may surprize you, you will find there is +nothing inconsistent in it. She is only a sly rake in petticoats, of +which there are numbers, that you good women would stare at, if you knew +their behaviour. She considers men just as the libertines of our sex do +women. She likes for the present; she seduces; her inclinations cool +towards an old lover, and are warmed again by a new face. She retained +not Faulkland long enough to grow tired of him, and therefore possibly +still preserved some tenderness for him; indeed his uncommon attractions +must have made an impression even on _her_ heart; but this did not +hinder her from indulging her inclinations elsewhere. You must throw +into the account too that she had by accident got a sort of hold on him, +of which, by my mother's indulgence, and some other concurring +circumstances, she hoped one day or other to avail herself. With so +pretty a person as she has, and the fortune you tell me she is mistress +of, do you think she could have failed of marrying creditably, if that +had been her view? No, no she meant not to confine herself. Her passion +for Faulkland, whether real or pretended, gave a colour to her +preserving that liberty, in the licentious use of which she placed her +happiness: nor would she in the end have confined herself within the +bounds of marriage, if an immense fortune had not sweetened the +restraint. + +I pray heaven it may, answered I; 'tis all we have now to trust to. You +have given me an idea of a character, which I thought was not in the +female world. + +I own, replied Sir George, I live in perpetual fears of her relapsing +into vice. A woman without principle, Sidney, is not to be relied on. +Love (if in such a breast it can merit that name) even towards the most +deserving object, is never permanent. Fear, and even shame, are subdued +by repeated crimes; what hold then remains? Interest alone (where that +happens to interfere;) but if detection can be avoided, even that can +have do farther influence. + +Sir George took his leave of me, in order to go home to dress; but I was +not to say a word of his morning visit, so that I found I needed not to +be under any apprehensions of reproaching Lady Sarah with her behaviour +towards me; for he meant not to let her know he was informed of it. So +much the better; I should be extremely sorry to be the occasion of any +difference between them. + +They came at the appointed hour; I entertained them magnificently; and +we were all harmony and good humour. When dinner was over, I told them, +they must not be surprized, if we should have a visit from our West +Indian relation, in the evening, for that it was very probable he would +call, and if I should be denied, he would never forgive me, as he +possibly might find it out. Lady Sarah looked frightened, and said she +would not stay; but Sir George declared he would arm himself with a few +bumpers, and stand his ground. + +I affected to treat the interview with pleasantry and reconciled them +both to it; for I was really apprehensive that Mr Warner would take it +very ill, and think I betrayed him, if I let them escape. I supposed +too, that after he had indulged himself in a short triumph, all would be +over, and they might afterwards meet on better terms. + +In less than half an hour, we heard a loud rap; Lady Sarah turned pale; +Sir George laughed at her, but was himself a little disconcerted. The +parlour door flew open--a footman entered--Mr Warner--and in stalked my +kinsman, with a very stately tread. He was dressed out, I assure you. A +large well powdered wig, tied with a rose; a suit of the finest +cinamon-coloured cloth, and over it a surtout of the richest mohair and +silk, with gold frogs; and a fine clouded cane, with a gold head; silk +stockings of the same colour with his coat; a fine lace-cravat, his hat +under his arm. He really looked very gentleman-like, and venerable; for +he appears older than he is. + +He glanced his eyes with a supercilious scorn, over my brother and +sister, who stood up at his entrance, and making up directly to me, +saluted me, and took his place by me. A short silence ensued, which was +broken by my asking Mr Warner to drink a glass of wine. I could almost +have smiled at the embarrassment of my brother and Lady Sarah; the old +gentleman enjoyed it, and looked at them both, but as if he knew +neither. My brother had recourse to the bottle, he drank my health, and +civilly enough bowed to Mr Warner, just pronouncing the word Sir!--the +other scarce returned it by a slight inclination of his head. + +At last, addressing himself to me, cousin, if you have no aversion to +tobacco, I should be glad if you would indulge me with a pipe; 'tis my +custom after dinner, but I have not smoaked yet. + +As I had never observed him to do this, when he had dined with me +before, I took it for granted the compliment was meant for Lady Sarah. + +I said _I_ had no objection, and referred myself by a bow to Lady Sarah. + +She made no reply, and my kinsman, without seeming to mind any one +else, rang the bell, saying, if _you_ don't dislike it, there is no more +to be said. The black, whom he had given me, presenting himself at the +door, Mr Warner desired him to step to his lodgings for his pipe and +some tobacco. The man quickly returned with a long japaned reed, with a +boll fixed at the end of it. Mr Warner called for a lighted taper, and +throwing himself back in his chair with one leg crossed over the other, +lighted his pipe with much composure, puffing large clouds of +smoak-a-cross Lady Sarah's nose, who sat at his right-hand. My sister, +who had really an unaffected aversion to tobacco, could not bear this; +she coughed excessively, and, with tears in her eyes, rose off her +chair, and retired to the other end of the room. My old gentleman +laughed till he weezed, nodding his head after her, and looking at me, +as much as to say, I am glad I have sent her off. + +Sir George, though determined not to be put out of humour, thought this +was going too far; I was really uneasy myself, and hardly knew how to +act; for if I shewed any mark of distinction to Lady Sarah, I knew it +would be construed by Mr Warner as an affront to him. I ventured, +however, to tell her that if she would step into the drawing-room, I +should order coffee, and wait on her immediately. + +Ay, said my brother, approaching his lady, and taking her by the hand, +let us get out of this horrid atmosphere that this honest gentleman has +raised about us. The honest gentleman vouchsafed not to look at him, and +my brother and sister withdrew into the adjoining room. + +As soon as they were gone, Mr Warner threw down his pipe, and striking +the table with his clenched fist, burst into a loud laugh. Lord, Lord! +said he, pride _will_ have a fall. I think I have brought them down a +little; how like asses they both looked! Well, now I am satisfied--I +have had my revenge, you may go and drink your coffee with them, I'll +bid you good-by. + +He immediately withdrew, and I joined my brother and sister, who were +heartily rejoiced that they had got rid of him. + +Sir George said, he saw his design, but was resolved not to give an +opportunity for insults, and so held his tongue. As he is your friend, +Sidney, said he, I would not distress you by engaging you as a party on +either side, which must have been the case; for that old fellow would +not have suffered you to remain neutral. + +I told him our kinsman was whimsical, but that as he was now thoroughly +satisfied at having paid them in kind, I was sure he would never again +seek to give them any offence, and they ought to forgive him by the law +of retaliation. + +They laughed at the singularity of his manner, and the whole passed off +in mirth: though Lady Sarah declared he had made her quite sick with his +nauseous tobacco. + + + _March 3_ + +The ridiculous scene, my Cecilia, for a while called off my thoughts +from the melancholy subject which is now nearest my heart, I mean the +shocking account which Sir George gave me of Mrs--, can I bear to call +her--Faulkland! but it now recurs to me with all its horrors. Oh, my +dear, what a fatal wretch have I been to Mr Faulkland! my best purposes, +by some unseen power, are perverted from their ends. I wonder the food +which I take to nourish me is not converted into poison when I touch it. +But I will calm my troubled mind with this reflexion, that I _meant_ not +to do evil. Mr Faulkland, ignorant of his own misfortune, may (as +hundreds of others in the same situation are) still be happy, if that +light creature has but a single grain of honour or gratitude. I will not +think of it--anticipating as you used to call me, I will banish the +hateful idea from my mind. + + + _March 12_ + +What do you think, my Cecilia? Mrs Gerrarde has eloped from her husband, +and is now at Paris in quality of mistress to a young nobleman who +maintains her in vast splendour. I had this news in a letter from Mrs +Faulkland to-day. + +Poor Pivet wrote his master an account of it. You know the agreement to +pay this young man an annual sum was conditional. Upon Mr Arnold's +death, Pivet tired of the termagant spirit, and intolerable coquetry of +his wife, was very glad to relax his discipline; and declared, were he +to have had a thousand a year, he would not undertake to keep her within +bounds; and that nothing but his great respect for Mr Faulkland could +have engaged him in the task so long. He acknowleges that he is very +glad to be rid of her, and as Mr Faulkland enabled him to set up very +handsomely in his business, I really think he is happy in his loss. + + + _March 14_ + +I have been deeply affected, my Cecilia, within these two days. If it +had not been in my power to relieve the distress I have been a witness +to, how unhappy would it have made me! + +I was stepping out of my chariot yesterday morning, when a young woman +who stood at my door, in an old linnen gown, presented to me a little +band-box, open and filled with artificial flowers; she spoke not, but +the silent anguish in her looks drew my attention. She seemed about +eighteen, and very pretty. As an appearance of industry I think doubles +the claim which the poor have to our compassion, I took out of her box a +small sprig of jessamin, very naturally imitated, and asked the young +woman if she made those flowers herself. + +She modestly replied, she did. And cannot you, child, said I, find any +one who would give you constant employment in this way to prevent your +wandering about in the streets to dispose of your work? + +She answered, Yes, Madam, but I have a poor decrepid father in jail, who +cannot be without my assistance. I live with him, and only come out once +a week to sell my flowers. I might go to service, but he would die if I +were to leave him. Her gentle speech, her youth, and the unaffected +tender sorrow that appeared in her face, when she spoke of her father, +touched me to the heart. + +I bade her come in, and taking her into the parlour, was desirous to ask +her some questions. + +You look, said I, as if you had not been bred in poverty; pray what is +your father? + +She blushed, and with down-cast eyes replied, A clergyman, Madam. + +A clergyman, I repeated, what misfortunes (for such I must suppose they +were) drove him to the distressed situation you mention? + +It _was_ a misfortune, Madam, and not any crime, answered the girl, with +tears in her eyes; my father is as good a man as ever was born. + +I asked his name, and she told me it was Price. + +My curiosity was excited by her manner. I desired her to sit down, and +relate to me the particulars of her story. + +She obeyed with a sensible politeness that pleased me. + +About twelve years ago, said she, my father had a little cure in +Berkshire; he was reckoned a fine preacher and a very great scholar, and +what was more than either, one of the best of men. In the parish to +which my father belonged, lived a gentleman of a very great estate, his +name was Ware; he was himself a very worthy man, and had so high an +opinion of my father, that he pitched upon him to go abroad in quality +of governor to his only son, then a youth of about nineteen. As my +father had travelled in the same capacity once before, he was very well +qualified for the employment; and had no objection to the acceptance of +it but his leaving my mother, of whom he was very fond, and me his only +child, then scarcely more than an infant. The elder Mr Ware assured him +he would be a friend and guardian to us both (and so he was) and that he +would, in his absence, allow us double the income which my father +received from his cure. + +This, together with the appointment, which he was to receive as his +son's governor was too handsome an offer to be refused, especially as +the gentleman promised he should never want a patron in him while he +lived; and every body knew he had interest enough to make this promise +of consequence. My father was then past fifty, but as he was of a very +healthy strong constitution, he did not think it too late to undertake, +for the good of his family, what he said was a very troublesome task. + +I could not help interrupting the young gentlewoman to ask her how it +came to pass that her father, such a man as she represented him to be, +was no better provided for at this time of life, especially as she said +he had before been intrusted with the care of a pupil, whom I presumed +to be a person of fortune, as scarce any others are sent to travel. + +She said, he had a small patrimony of his own, and that his original +design was to study physic; but being persuaded by the love he bore a +young gentleman, to whom he was private tutor at the university, to go +abroad with him, he had for some years, while they continued on their +travels, been obliged to decline this study. When he had brought his +pupil safe back to England, he intended to pursue it, and for this +purpose was preparing to go to Leyden; but the gentleman, who really had +an affection for him, declared he could not part with him; and that if +he would consent to stay and take holy orders, he would get him a living +which was in his father's gift (a nobleman then alive,) as soon as it +should become vacant, of which there was a good prospect, on account of +the age of the incumbent; and that in the mean time he should live with +him. As the young gentleman had been married immediately after his +return from his travels to a lady of vast fortune, and was settled with +a family of his own about him, my father who fondly loved him, did not +disrelish the proposal; and without much difficulty consented to it. He +now laid aside the thoughts of physic, and turned his attention to the +study of divinity; nor was he in haste for the promised living's being +vacated, as he was resolved not to take orders till he was properly +qualified for the holy profession he was now destined to. He continued +thus four years with his young patron; the gentleman who possessed the +living, though very sickly still holding it. + +My father then being inclined to go into orders, his friend got him +nominated to a cure in town, the duties of which he constantly performed +for two years, still living with his benefactor: but it was his +misfortune then to lose him. He was drowned in crossing a deep water on +horse-back which he thought was fordable. My poor father had now lost, +as it proved, his only friend; though he then lamented him as a son he +loved; and I have heard him say he was more afflicted for his death, +than his real father was. + +As that nobleman was well acquainted with his son's intentions in regard +to his tutor, my father had no doubts of his fulfilling them, especially +as he had given his promise to do so. About this time the curate of the +parish in Berkshire which I mentioned to you before, having a mind to +make an exchange for one in London where all his friends lived, proposed +it to my father who had been at college with him. As he had now no +attachment in town, and preferred a country life, he readily agreed to +the change; and having first waited on the father of his late friend to +remind him of his promise, which he again confirmed, he went down to +Berkshire. Here it was he fell in love with my mother, who was the +daughter of the rector whose cure he served; she liked him, and as her +father looked upon him as a man certain of preferment, and every way +esteemable in his character, he did not scruple to give her to him. + +In a few months after their marriage, the incumbent of the long-promised +living died. + +My father immediately waited on the nobleman, so sure of success that he +thought he should have nothing to do but to thank him for it; but that +Lord told him with a pretended concern, that he had disposed of it, +having heard that my father was well provided for in Berkshire, and had +married a lady of great fortune. + +He returned home shocked and disappointed, more on account of the family +he had married into, than on his own. He now found himself at near forty +years of age, with a family coming on him, and no other provision than a +curacy of forty pounds a year. My grandfather pretended he had been +deceived by him, and made that excuse for withdrawing all his favour +from him. My mother had children pretty fast, but they all died young +excepting myself; and as he loved her too well to let her feel the +inconvenience of streightened circumstances, he was content to let his +own little patrimony, which he had preserved till now, gradually waste; +for my grandfather never gave her any fortune. At his death, which +happened a few years after, it appeared he could not, for he left but +little behind him. In this situation, my father having lost all hopes of +being better provided for, with the melancholy reflexion of having +thrown away the best part of his days in a fruitless attendance and +expectation, dragged on a life of obscurity and toil for eleven years; +and then it was that Mr Ware applied to him in the manner I have +mentioned. + +I told this amiable girl, I was glad I had interrupted the thread of her +story, as by that means she had obliged me with so many interesting +particulars of her family, and then requested she would proceed. She +bowed with a pretty modest grace, and went on. + +I informed you, Madam, that my father, having accepted of the tuition of +Mr Ware's son, prepared to attend him on his travels. He took his leave +very reluctantly of my poor mother and me, whom he tenderly recommended +to Mr Ware's patronage, and set out with the young gentleman, having +given up his cure, as his absence was to be of a long continuance. + +Mr Ware, who was a truly good man, was punctual in the performance of +his promise towards my mother and me, and behaved while my father was +away like a second parent. His son continued abroad upwards of four +years, and returned a very accomplished gentleman. + +Mr Ware was exceedingly pleased with my father's conduct, for which he +told him both his son and himself owed him the utmost gratitude. He was +now far advanced in years, and grown indolent from infirmities, he +thought it better to be himself the rewarder of my father's merit, than +take upon him the trouble of soliciting other people to provide for him; +and accordingly resolved to give him an annual income of two hundred +pounds during his life. He told him, at the same that as his estate was +entailed, it was not in his power to confirm this grant by a will; but +he was sure his son was too sensible of what he owed him, not to promise +in the most solemn manner to continue to him this income, when he should +come into his inheritance. The young gentleman, who was present, +handsomely acknowleged the obligations he had to my father, and assured +him he thought he could never sufficiently repay them. + +My father, who now wished for nothing more than to sit down peacably on +a competency, thought himself very happy; he retired to his little house +in Berkshire, where my mother and I still lived, and gave himself up to +domestic contentment. + +The old gentleman was punctual to his agreement, constantly paying my +father fifty pounds every quarter. He died in something less than three +years; his son immediately on his accession to his fortune, being at +that time in London, wrote my father a very affectionate letter, +assuring him of the continuance of his friendship. Nor did he fail in +his promise; for two years he was punctual in his remittances to my +father. He did not during that time come down to Berkshire, having +another country-seat, of which he was fonder. At this time I lost my +dear mother, who had been for some years in a declining way; and though +during her health, as she was an exceedingly good oeconomist, my +father might have laid by some of his income, yet the frequent journies +she was prescribed to Bath, and other places, for change of air, +together with the expence of physicians at home, put it out of his power +to save any thing: which on my account gave him great uneasiness; but as +he was still strong and hale, he was in hopes he might yet live to lay +by something for me. I was now about fifteen, and the darling of my +father's heart. He was inconsolable for my mother's death, but I +endeavoured to comfort him, and at last in some measure succeeded. Mr +Ware, whom my father had not seen since the death of the good old +gentleman, came down now to revisit his paternal seat. He would not omit +paying a visit of condolement to his old friend and tutor, and +accordingly came to our house the day after his arrival in the country. +Though I had seen him before, as it was in my childhood, I had taken but +little notice of him; he is indeed a handsome genteel young man. + +The innocent girl blushed as she spoke these words, but I seemed not to +observe it. + +She proceeded with a sigh. My father who loved him, was rejoiced to see +him; Mr Ware behaved with a tenderness and respect almost filial towards +him, and very obliging to me. He continued about a week in the country, +calling to ask my father how he did every day. When he was about to +return to London, he pressed my father to pass a few weeks with him in +town: you are melancholy here, said he, changing the scene a little, +will divert both your daughter and you. + +My father thanked him for the honour he did him, but modestly declined +it. + +Mr Ware guessed at his motive, and told him, smiling, I know your +objection, but to obviate it at once, I must tell you that I have +prevailed on my sister to come and keep house for me, and I expect to +find her at home on my return. I knew his sister, a maiden lady some +years older than himself, who had on the death of his father gone to +live with a near relation of theirs. My father smiling in his turn, told +him he had guessed his mind rightly, and since that was the case, he +would not deprive his poor girl (looking at me) of the happiness of the +good lady's company for a while. + +Mr Ware said, we might go to town with him in his coach, and as we had +but little preparation to make, we set out with him next day. + +When we arrived at his house in London, he welcomed us with all the +marks of politeness and respect. I was surprized we did not see his +sister the whole night, but as she was not apprized of our coming, I +thought that either she was abroad, or had not yet quitted her friend +with whom she lived. + +The next morning at breakfast Mr Ware made an apology for his sister's +absence. He said, that the lady, at whose house she lived, was ill, and +that she could not possibly leave her till she was better, which he +supposed would be in a few days, as her sickness was no other than the +consequence of her lying-in; mean while he hoped Mr Price would not be +uneasy, as he was himself his daughter's guardian. + +Though my father was not pleased at this excuse, he however concealed +his thoughts from Mr Ware; but told me if Miss Ware did not come home in +a few days, he purposed that we should take our leave and return into +the country. + +We had very handsome apartments assigned us; and my father was put in +possession of Mr Ware's library; a very noble one, where that gentleman +knew he would pass his most agreeable hours. + +For my part as I did not care to go abroad, 'till I had a proper person +for me to appear with, I declined the offer Mr Ware very obligingly made +of getting some ladies of his acquaintance to take me to public places. +I expected his sister every day, and if she came, as I knew my father +purposed staying for a month, I thought I should have time enough to see +every thing; so I chose to entertain myself with working, and reading in +my own room. + +But, Madam, I soon found that Mr Ware was a very base man. The third day +after we came to his house, his behaviour towards me began to change +intirely from what it was before; he took every opportunity of being +particular to me in his compliments. I received them at first with that +distant civility which I thought would neither encourage nor offend; I +looked upon him as a worthy young man, and my father's friend and +benefactor; and thought in my humble station I should not be too quick +at taking exceptions, as there had nothing as yet appeared in his +behaviour which exceeded the bounds of respect: but he did not preserve +this long; on the fifth day he came into a closet where I was reading, +and there in the warmest manner declared himself my lover. I would fain +have turned his discourse into pleasantry, but he had recourse to oaths +and protestations, and swore he could not live without my favour. I +represented the cruelty of the insult he offered me in his own house, +and begged he would leave me, as I was determined to depart immediately. +I will not, Sir, said I, let my father know the unkind return you have +made for all his care of you, but I can easily prevail with him to leave +your house. He fell at my feet, begged my pardon, and talked all that +sort of stuff which I have read in romances. At length I got him out of +the closet, and locked the door; resolving never to sit alone, without +using the same precaution while we staid in his house, which I hoped +would not be above a day or two longer; for I concluded there was no +sister to come, and that this was only made use of as a snare to draw us +to town. + +As I had a mind to try the young girl, I asked her, How came you to +receive Mr Ware's addresses in the manner you mentioned? how did you +know but he intended to marry you? + +Ah no, Madam, said she, I could not entertain such a thought; I have not +troubled you with the particulars of what he said to me, but young as I +was, I knew too well what it tended to; besides the fear he shewed lest +my father should know of his pretended courtship, was enough to convince +me what his designs were, without any thing else to guide me. + +Did you like him, I asked? The ingenuous young woman blushed. + +I _could_ have liked him. Madam, she replied, better than any body I had +ever seen, if there had not been such a distance between us. I desired +her to proceed. + +I told my father that same evening, that as I saw there was no +likelihood of the lady's coming to her brother; and as I led but a +melancholy life, having no woman to converse with, I had much rather be +at home amongst my neighbours and acquaintance, and begged he would +return to Berkshire. + +My father said, it was what he had determined on after completing our +week in town, unless Miss Ware came in the interim; I have just told our +friend so, said he; he seems to take it unkindly, and says he is afraid +he has disobliged me; but I assured him my only reason was, that I did +not think the house of a handsome young batchelor, a proper place for a +pretty little country girl, even though her old father was with her. He +assures me his sister will come, and wants to protract our stay a few +days longer; I hardly know how to refuse his entreaties, but I shall be +uneasy till we are at home. + +I told my father, Mr Ware had too much sense to take his refusal amiss, +and begged of him to stick to his day. + +I gave Mr Ware no opportunity of speaking to me the remainder of that +day, nor all the next; though he came to my closet door where I always +sat, and entreated for admission; but I was peremptory in my denial, and +he went away reproaching me with cruelty. + +Mr Ware made an apology to my father, on account of his being obliged to +spend the evening abroad, the first time that he had been absent from us +since we came to his house. He had twice entertained us with a very +agreeable concert, at which there was a great deal of company, both +gentlemen and ladies. He had got it performed at his own house, on +purpose to amuse my father, who was a great lover of music; but +excepting those two mornings, I had never seen any company with him, as +he said he would not invite strangers, 'till I had got a companion of my +own sex to keep me in countenance. My father and I supped alone; we were +to go out of town the next day, and we retired to our respective +chambers about eleven o'clock, in order to go to bed. + +The poor girl paused at this part of her story, as if she were ashamed +to proceed. + +I hope, said I, Mr Ware did not violate the laws of hospitality, by +intruding on you that night. Oh, Madam, he did, he did, said she; the +vile wretch hid himself somewhere, I know not where, for it was not in +my closet. The house-keeper slept in my room, in a little tent-bed, +which had been put up for that purpose; but she was not as yet come up +stairs. The chamber-maid, who had attended me to my room, told me there +was to be a great deal of company to dine with her master the next day, +and as the house-keeper was very busy in making jellies and pastry, she +was afraid she should sit up late, and hoped I should not be disturbed +at her coming into the room. I always dismissed the maid immediately, as +I was not used to have a person undress me. I went to bed, but not being +a very sound sleeper, and knowing a particularity I had, which was, that +if once rouzed, I could not compose myself to rest again, I resolved not +to attempt it at all 'till the house-keeper came to bed. I placed the +candle on a stand near me, and took up a book that I found on a chair, +by my bed-side, which I had been reading in the evening. I had been +about an hour thus employed, when I heard somebody treading softly in +the room: as I had not heard the door open, I called out, in a fright, +to know who was there. I received no answer; but immediately Mr Ware +presented himself, on his knees, at my bed-side, and half leaning on my +bed. I shrieked out; I knew not what he said, but I remember the most +wicked of men held me fast, and talked a great deal; I continued +shrieking incessantly, and struggling to get loose from him, which at +last I did, by giving a violent spring, which threw me out of bed on the +floor. + +I had hurt myself sadly by the fall; but dragging the quilt off the bed +after me, I wrapped it about me and shrieked louder than before. The +vile man tried to pacify me, and said I should disturb my father. + +Providentially for me, my dear father had not gone to bed, for his room +was a great way from mine, but was reading in the study, which was over +my bed-chamber. He had heard my shrieks from the first, but, little +dreaming it was his poor daughter's voice, he imagined the noise was in +the street, and had lifted up the sash, and looked out to try whence it +proceeded. Finding every thing quiet without doors, he ran down stairs, +and was led, by my cries, into my room, for my vile persecutor had not +locked the door, very well knowing none of his own people could dare to +molest him, and he did not think my cries would have reached my father's +ears, as indeed they would not, if he had gone to bed. Think, Madam, +what my poor father must feel, when he saw me on the floor (for I was +not able to rise) such a spectacle of horror; my cap was off, and my +nose bleeding with the fall. + +The wretch was endeavouring to lift me up, and I trying to resist him. +Good God defend me! said my father, what is this I see? Oh, Sir, said I, +clinging round him, carry me out of the house! carry me out directly +from this monster! my father looked aghast. You do not mean Mr Ware, my +child, said he, it cannot be _He_ who has put you in this condition? Mr +Ware quitted the room the minute he saw my father, which was not till I +catched hold of him: for he had his back to the door, and, I suppose, +was in too much agitation to hear him coming in. + +My poor father, speechless with astonishment, took me into his arms, and +put me sitting on the bed; then stepping into my closet, brought out a +bottle of water, some of which he made me drink, and afterwards washed +the blood from my face, which he soon found only proceeded from my +having hurt my nose a little. + +When I had recovered breath enough, I told him all that had passed. His +despair, Madam, is not to be described; he tore his hair, and was like a +madman. Where is the ungrateful villain, said he? I will go this minute +and upbraid him with his treachery; he ran to the chamber-door, but it +was locked on the outside. My father thus prevented from going out, had +time to cool a little: he considered it would to be no purpose to +reproach a powerful tyrant with the injuries he did us; he resolved to +quit the inhospitable house as soon as any one in the family was up to +open the door to him, and without ever seeing his face again, commit +himself to providence for his future subsistence. + +It would have been happy for us if he could have executed this design; +but the profligate man prevented us. We spent the remainder of the night +in lamenting our misery. At day-light Mr Ware entered the room in his +night-gown, for I suppose he had gone to rest after he left us. + +He told my father he was sorry for what had passed, and imputed it to +his having drunk too much. I own, said he, I love your daughter to +distraction, and could not bear the thoughts of losing her, as I found +you resolved to go out of town so suddenly. My father answered, I will +not reproach you as I ought, but my tender care of your youth did not +deserve this return: suffer us to depart out of your house, and you +shall never more be troubled with us. + +Mr Ware entreated to speak with my father by himself, and with much +difficulty prevailed on him to go into his study with him. They staid +together near half an hour, and I heard them talking high; my father +then entered my room with tears streaming from his eyes. He threw +himself into a chair in an agony of grief. The villain, said he, has +finished his work--he has stabbed your father's heart--I ran to him +almost frantic; I thought he had made an attempt upon his life. When I +found he was not hurt, I asked him the meaning of his words. + +He would have me _sell_ you to him, said he; he would have bribed the +father to prostitute his child. Oh, Sir, said I, why, do we stay under +this detested roof? There is no safety for us here, said he, come, my +dear, let us get out of the house, and then we will consider which way +we are to turn ourselves. + +My father laid hold of my hand, and I followed him, just as I was in my +morning gown. We thought if we could once find ourselves in the street, +we should be happy, though neither of us knew where to go, having no +acquaintance in London. I had never been there before, and my father had +been so long absent, that he was forgotten by every body. + +We got out of my room into a little sort of anti-chamber, but found the +door of that fast locked. + +We now gave ourselves up for lost; our despair is not to be expressed: +we sat down, and consulted what was best to be done. I saw now that +there was nothing that our base persecutor would not attempt, and I told +my father I was resolved at all events to make my escape. + +He said that the shocking wretch had given him till the next day to +consider of his proposal; and he hoped, by that time, both father and +daughter would come enough to their senses, to think he had made them a +very advantageous offer. + +I told him in that lucky interval I hoped to be able to affect my +deliverance; which I thought I might accomplish, with his assistance, by +tying the sheets of my bed together, and so from the window, sliding +into the street. + +We were both pleased with this expedient; but the next thing to be +considered was, what place I should go to, as I could not make this +attempt till late at night, and must go alone; for my father being in +years, and pretty corpulent, I could not think of letting him run the +same hazard, which might have put his life into imminent danger, +especially as I could not give him the same help which he could afford +me. This was a difficulty, till I recollected a mantua-maker, who was +then making some clothes for me; and I happened to know where she lived. +To her house I resolved to go (having first settled all my previous +steps) and to remain concealed there till my father should get an +opportunity of coming to me. I told him as _I_ was the unhappy object on +whom Mr Ware had designs, I supposed he would not detain my father after +I was gone. He shook his head, but said, he hoped he would not. + +Having now settled our little plan, we were more composed. A servant +brought breakfast into my apartment at the usual hour, and dinner, and +supper, in the like manner. We did not appear, troubled, but as +carefully avoided seeming chearful, for fear of giving suspicion. + +The house-keeper was generally the last person up in the family; so that +I was either to seize the opportunity before she came up to my room, or +wait till she was asleep. The last I thought was the securest method, as +she was an extremely sound sleeper. I lifted up the sash in the +bed-chamber, to be in readiness, and closed the shutters again. + +Very fortunately my father having received his quarterly payment from Mr +Ware just before we came to town, had fifty guineas in his purse, half +of which he insisted on my taking in case of any emergency. + +About twelve o'clock the house-keeper came into the room where we were +sitting, as she was obliged to pass through that to go to the room where +we lay. + +We heard her at the door, and my father suddenly changing the subject of +our discourse, made me a sign which I understood; and as the woman +entered, affected to be representing to me the charms of wealth and +grandeur, whilst I seemed to listen, with a sort of pleasure to him. He +stopped when the woman came in, but not till he was sure she had heard +what he said, for we observed that she staid at the outside of the door +a little while, as if to listen to our conversation. On seeing us +engaged in discourse, she made a motion to withdraw, saying she would +come up again when Mr Price was retired to rest; but I told her she +might if she pleased, then go to bed, as we should not sit up long. But +as I suppose she had orders to lock me in after my father had left me, +she did not chuse to do this. She said she was not sleepy, but would +come up in half an hour, and left the room smiling. + +This was an opportunity which I thought was not to be lost. I repaired +to the window, and hearing a watchman cry the hour, I waited till he +came under it, and having prepared a piece of paper, in which I had put +a weight to carry it down, I lighted it and dropped it at his feet; it +was fastened to a string, and at some distance from it above, was +fastened another large piece of white paper folded up, in which I put a +guinea, and in two lines written in a large plain hand, beseeched him to +assist me in getting down, for which I would reward him with another +guinea. + +The lighted paper (as I concluded it would) attracted the man's notice, +he stopped and took it up, and finding another paper hanging to the +string, looked up at the window. I leaned my body out as far as I could, +and, in a low voice, but loud enough for him to hear me, bid him read +it. He opened the paper, and, by the light of his own lantern, read the +lines, at the same time taking out the guineas, which I could perceive +he also examined by the same light. He then said, I'll help you, stay a +little. + +He made what haste he could away, and I was now afraid he intended to +leave me, and return no more. My terror was inexpressible during the +man's absence, especially as several people in that interval passed by; +however, he soon returned with a companion; and the street being now +clear, I saw he had brought a sort of plank, or board, under his arm, +which he fixed from the iron pallisados a-cross to the stone-work which +jutted out from the bottom of the lower windows, on this he without +difficulty mounted, and being now much nearer to me, he told me he would +receive me, if I could contrive to get down to him. + +My poor father hastily kissed, and blessed me, and having my apparatus +ready for descending, he had the farther precaution to fix some strong +ribbons, which I had tied together for the purpose under my arms; these +he held in his hands, whilst I slid down by the sheets which I had +fastened together corner-ways with a knot. + +The trusty watchman caught me in his arms, and lifted me over the +pallisados, to his comrade, who set me safely down in the street. + +It was very dark, but I could distinguish when my father drew in the +linen, and heard him shut the window. I then told my deliverer that I +must beg a farther act of kindness from him, which was to see me safe to +the street where I wanted to go. + +He readily complied, and leaving it to his comrade to carry away the +plank, took me under the arm, and we got without being molested to the +mantua-maker's house. The family were all in bed; when after repeated +knocking, a maid looked out of an upper window, and asked us what we +wanted. I told her an acquaintance of her mistress had urgent business +with her, and begged she would step down and speak to me from the +parlour window. After keeping me a long while waiting, she at length +came down, I then gave the watchman the other guinea I had promised him, +and dismissed him, very well pleased with his night's adventure. + +After he was gone, I told the woman my name, and begged she would let me +come in, which she immediately did. I without scruple acquainted her +with the manner of my escape, and the occasion of it; she was shocked +and affected with my story, and promised to keep me concealed till my +father should come to carry me to some place of greater safety; for she +said, as Mr Ware's house-keeper was her acquaintance I might be +discovered at her house. + +This terrified me exceedingly, but the good-natured woman gave me the +most solemn assurances that I should be safe for the short time she +supposed I should stay with her. She invited me to part of her bed, as +she told me she had never a spare one, and I readily accepted of her +offer. + +I remained all the next day in the utmost grief and anxiety, at hearing +nothing from my poor father. In the evening of the second day, a porter +brought a letter to the mantua-maker, which served only as a cover for a +note directed to me. Seeing it writ in my father's hand, I eagerly +opened it; but oh, Madam, how shall I tell you my grief, and horror, +when I saw it dated from a prison! My poor father told me, that our +cruel persecutor, enraged at my escape, had charged my father with it, +who immediately acknowleged he had assisted in delivering me from ruin; +that Mr Ware, after treating him with the most injurious language, +demanded payment of him for the sums he said he had lent him from time +to time since his father's death. + +To this my father making no other reply, than that Mr Ware knew he had +it not in his power to refund any of that money, which, though it was a +free gift, he would restore sooner than lie under any obligation to such +a base man, the villain was barbarous enough to have him arrested, and +sent to jail, where he said he should remain till his stubborn spirit +should be glad to yield up his daughter to him. + +My father desired me to come to him directly, and to bring some body +with me to protect me by the way. I instantly obeyed, and sending for a +hackney coach, the mantua-maker got her husband, a decent tradesman, and +his apprentice to accompany me. We drove directly to my poor father's +melancholy habitation, where they delivered me safe into his hands. His +joy at seeing me again, made him for a while forget the sorrows which +surrounded us. + +He told me that after he had seen me get safe into the street, and had +recommended me to the care of providence, he had put every thing out of +the way which had assisted me in my escape; and putting out one of the +candles left it in my room, that the house-keeper, when she come up, +might suppose me in bed; he then went to his own. He concluded that the +woman, when she went into my room, supposed me asleep. Mr Ware was at +home the whole evening, and had before that retired to rest, so that +there was no discovery made that night. + +My father now informed me that Mr Ware had said, when he first made the +odious proposal to him, that if I complied, he would allow my father +four hundred pounds a year, and settle the like sum upon me for life; at +the same time, in case of refusal, insinuating the threat which he +afterwards put into execution. Thinking, no doubt, he should by this +intimidate my poor father so much, that upon reflexion he would use his +endeavours to prevail on me to comply; and it was for this wicked +purpose he was permitted, or rather compelled to pass the whole day with +me. I would not, added my father relate this particular to you, for fear +your tenderness to me might shake your virtue; but the trial God be +praised! is now past; you are here my poor child at least in safety. We +have some money to support us for a while, perhaps the wicked wretch may +relent. If he gives me my liberty I may still obtain a livelihood; and +if I can get you received into some worthy family, that will protect you +from his violence, I shall be contented. + +My father, unwilling to expose his ungrateful pupil, and thinking when +he cooled a little he would be ashamed of his conduct and release him, +resolved not to apprise any of his friends in Berkshire of his +situation; but wrote a long expostulatory letter to Mr Ware, which he +concluded with requesting no other favour but his liberty. + +To this, Mr Ware wrote in answer, that he was still ready to make good +his first proposals, and since he now found that he had got his daughter +with him, he should obtain his liberty on no other terms. + +My father still loath to believe him so lost to humanity as to persist +in this barbarous resolution, patiently waited another month; at the end +of which he again wrote him a very affecting letter; but to this he +received no answer, being told Mr Ware was gone into Berkshire. He wrote +to two or three gentlemen of his acquaintance there, informing them of +his deplorable situation, and begging them to use their influence with +Mr Ware on his behalf. He did not disclose the enormity of his +behaviour, but only said, that on a quarrel he had with him, he had +confined him under colour of a debt, which it was not in his power to +discharge; this he did as much in tenderness to Mr Ware's character, as +to avoid exasperating him more against him. + +He ordered me at the same time to write to an old maid-servant, who took +care of our little house in the country, to send me my clothes, my +father's books, and such other things as belonged to him. As I had come +to town but for a month, and was in deep mourning for my mother, I had +left the best part of my apparel behind me, and I had taken nothing with +me from Mr Ware's but a little bundle of linnen; my father had been +permitted to carry his with him to the prison. + +As the furniture in this little house was of no great value, my father +having purchased it as it stood in the house of the former curate, he +made a present of it to the old servant, who had lived with him from the +time he married. + +He received no answer to any of the letters he wrote to the gentlemen; +but I got a letter from this old servant, at the same time that she sent +the things which I wrote for. And you will scarce believe, Madam, to +what a height this abandoned wretch carried his crimes. + +Not contented with having plunged my poor father and me into the deepest +distress, he endeavoured to blast and destroy our characters in the +country. He gave out that my father, taking advantage of his (Mr Ware's) +being a little overcome with wine one night, had put his daughter to bed +to him, and would have insisted the next day that he had married them. +To punish the ungrateful designing old rogue, he said he had put him +into jail where he intended to keep him a month or two till he repented. + +Though the respectable character my father bore in his neighbourhood +made this story incredible, yet Mr Ware's power and influence was such, +that people seemed to believe it, and applauded Mr Ware's clemency in my +father's punishment. No wonder then his letters were unanswered; they +were shewn to Mr Ware, and laughed at. The old servant, who was sure we +were both cruelly belied, lamented our unhappy fate, but poor creature +she could do nothing _but_ lament. This last blow quite subdued my +father's courage; he fell sick upon it, and languished many weeks in a +most melancholy condition. + +When he recovered a little from his sickness, he was suddenly struck +with the dead palsey on one side, by which he lost the use of his right +hand; so that I am obliged to dress and undress him like a child. + +When the money which we had brought with us to the prison was spent, we +were obliged to sell most of my father's books, and the best of my +clothes. + +We had repeated messages from the merciless man, by his vile +house-keeper, who used all her rhetoric to persuade us to compliance; +but my father constantly repulsed her, with contempt and indignation; +'till at length Mr Ware, tired, I believe, with persecuting us, left us +to perish in peace. He supposed my father could not hold out long; and +he then concluded I should be at his mercy; for as I never stirred out +of the jail, he had no hopes of getting me into his power whilst my poor +father lived. + +If I had even a place of refuge to go to, I could not think of leaving +him in the wretched hopeless condition to which he was now reduced. I +thought therefore of applying myself to something, by which I could +obtain bread for our support. I set about making those little artificial +flowers, which had formerly been one of my amusements; and a woman, who +was confined in the same prison with us, and worked for some shops, +undertook to dispose of them for me. She had a daughter, who came often +to see her, and used to carry her work and mine to the people who +bespoke it. + +In this manner we have languished, Madam, near eighteen months; when +hearing lately that Mr Ware was gone to Bath, and the girl who used to +visit her mother being sick, I ventured out myself with the work. The +person who employs us did live in the city; but has lately taken a shop +in this street; and though it is a journey from what I now call my +dismal home, I have come to her once a week, for this month past, with +the product of my own, and, I may say, my fellow prisoner's labours. She +told me this day she was overstocked with such flowers as I brought her, +and, having picked out a few of the best of them, she left those, which +you see in my band-box, upon my hands. I was returning home very +disconsolate, when, to avoid your chariot, which drew up close to the +house, I stood up on one of your steps, not knowing it was going to +stop; and something in your countenance, Madam, I know not how, +encouraged me to offer my little ware to you. + +I have given you this affecting story, my Cecilia, pretty nearly in the +girl's own words. I was much moved by it. If this be all fact, said I, +what monsters are there among mankind! + +She replied, It was all very true. + +Though the girl was very young, and, as I told you, had a modest and +ingenuous look, yet as I had seen such cheating faces before, I would +not yield up my belief implicitly. This story might be invented to move +compassion, at least, the most material circumstances of it; and though +I could not suppose she had contrived it on the spot, yet I did not know +but it might have been contrived for her. + +I have a mind to see your father, child, said I. + +She answered, quite composed, Then, Madam, you will see an object, that +would greatly move your pity. + +She rose up as she spoke this, saying, her poor father would be very +uneasy at her staying so long, and was preparing to go. + +I was seized with a strong inclination to visit this unhappy father +directly. If, said I, the case be as she represents it, I cannot be too +speedy in my relief; and, if she has falsified in any thing, I shall +probably detect her, by not giving her an opportunity of seeing and +preparing him first. + +It was not more than eleven o'clock; and I resolved not to defer the +charity I intended. I desired the young woman to stay a while, and +ordering Patty to bring down a plain black silk hood and scarf of her +own, I made the poor girl, to her great astonishment, put them on. I +then ordered a hackney coach to be called, and said, I would go with her +to her father. She looked surprized, but not startled, which made a +favourable impression on me. She appeared decent, and I desired her to +get into the coach, which I ordered, according to her direction, to +drive to the jail, where her father was confined. + +When we arrived at this mansion of horror, for so it appeared to me, I +let her go up stairs before me. She stopped at a door, and said that was +the room where her father lay. I bid her go in first; she entered, and I +stood without-side the door, where (as the lobby was dark) I could not +readily be perceived. + +I saw there a man of about sixty; and as she had told me her father was +corpulent, I did not at first take him to be the person, for he looked +worn out, pale, and emaciated. He wore his own grisled hair, and had on +a cassock, girded about him with silk sash. One of his hands was slung +in a black crape; he sat pensively, leaning on a table, with a book open +before him, which seemed to be the Bible. + +Upon his daughter's going into the room, he lifted up his eyes to see +who it was: he had a fine countenance; candour and sincerity were +painted on it. + +My dear, you made a long stay, said he, in a melancholy voice, I was +afraid something had happened to you. What has detained you? + +Oh, Sir, said she, looking towards the door, I believe I met with a good +angel, who is come to visit you in prison. + +I entered at these words: the venerable man rose.--A good angel indeed, +if her mind be like her face! He bowed respectfully. + +Pray, Sir, keep your seat. + +I took a chair, and placed myself by him. He did not seem in the least +embarrassed, but gravely and modestly demanded to what it was that he +owed the honour of a visit from a lady of my appearance; for, said he, +affluence and prosperity seldom seek the dwellings of the wretched. + +I informed him, that, having met with his daughter by accident, she had +given me a melancholy account of his situation, and that I wished to +hear the particulars from his own mouth. He made an apology for the +length of his story; but said, if I had patience, he would relate it. I +told him, I had come for that purpose. + +He then repeated to me every particular, as I had before heard them from +his daughter, enlarging on certain passages, which she had but slightly +touched upon. He shewed me copies of his two letters to Mr Ware, and +that gentleman's answer to the first, as also the old servant's letter +to his daughter, which convinced me of the truth of every thing he had +said. + +I asked Mr Price, what Mr Ware's demand on him might amount to? + +He said, four hundred pounds, which was what he had received from him, +since his father's death. + +Take courage, Sir, said I, you shall not long remain here. + +Ah! Madam, cried he, may God be the rewarder of your goodness! but my +enemy is a hardened man; he is not to be influenced by honour or virtue. + +I perceived by this that the poor gentleman had no thought of my paying +his debt, but supposed I would endeavour to soften Mr Ware on his +account. Have a little patience, said I, and we will try what is to be +done. + +I requested he would give me Mr Ware's letter, wherein he promised to +make good his first proposal, if he would consent to yield up his +daughter to him. + +I took my leave, and slipped my purse, which had ten guineas in it, into +his daughter's hand as I went down stairs. + +As soon as I returned home, I sent for Mr Warner, and related to him +circumstantially the distresses of this worthy father and child. His +honest indignation burst forth against the base betrayer of them both; +honest I must call it, though he vented his wrath in oaths and +execrations on his head. + +These are proper objects, said I, to exercise our humanity on; I mean to +pay his debt, and make the remnant of his days comfortable. You are a +good girl, said, he, you know my purse is open to you. + +Oh, Sir, said I, there is no need to tax your generosity upon this +occasion, the two thousand pounds you so lately gave me is but little +diminished. Psha, psha, said he, I gave you that to make ducks and +drakes of; it is not to go into the account; you know your quarter's +income is commenced, you may have what you will. + +I begged he would immediately write to Mr Ware, who is now at Bath, and +make him a tender of his money, that we might get the poor man +discharged from confinement as soon as possible. + +I gave him that vile fellow's letter, and advised him to let him know +that he was acquainted with the whole truth of the story; which, +perhaps, might frighten him into better terms than insisting on his +whole demand. + +Mr Warner said, there was a merchant of his acquaintance at Bristol, to +whom he would write immediately, and order him to pay the money +directly, if it was insisted on. He said, he knew his friend would +readily undertake the thing, and execute it as soon as possible. + +He called for pen, ink, and paper, and wrote before me the following +letter to his correspondent, which, as he left it with me to seal, and +send it to the post-office, I first copied. + + 'Dear Sir, + + 'I beg immediately on the receipt of this, you will take the + trouble of riding to Bath, and there enquire for a man of fortune, + one Ware, who is the greatest villain in England, and you may tell + him I say so. He has kept a poor honest clergyman starving in jail + this year and a half, because he would not sell his daughter to + him. He pretends the parson owes him four hundred pounds, which is + a lie; for though he received that sum from him, it was paid him + for value received by agreement. However, as the man can have no + redress, I request you would immediately tender him that sum, and + get a discharge, for I will have the poor fellow out. + + I herewith send you inclosed a letter which that scoundrel Ware + wrote; pray shew it to him, as a token that the parson's case is + known, and that he has got friends to stand by him. + + Your speedy execution of this affair, and answer, will oblige, + + 'Your friend and servant, + 'EDWARD WARNER.' + + + To Mr William Blow, + merchant, at Bristol. + + London, March 14, 1707-8. + + +My honest kinsman desired I would immediately send this letter off. I +suppose his correspondent will have more discretion than to let Mr Ware +see the contents, but I hope we shall have a good account of this +negotiation. + + + _March 22_ + +I have been very impatient, my Cecilia, for an answer to Mr Warner's odd +letter, and this day he received one. His friend at Bristol I take it +for granted acted very prudently, for he says, that having _waited_ on +Mr Ware (which word Mr Warner took great exceptions to) he acquainted +him with his commission, and at the same time produced his letter to Mr +Price by way of identifying the person, as Mr Ware at first seemed not +to recollect any thing of the matter. He said, Mr Ware blushed upon +seeing his own letter, in the hands of a stranger; Aye, I remember the +silly affair now, said he; the man is an old hypocrite, and his daughter +is a young one; but as I never meant to ruin him, I will forgive him the +debt; and accordingly wrote a full acquittal, which the merchant +transmitted with his answer. + +Nothing now remained but to pay the usual fees, and get the poor old +gentleman out as fast as we could. Mr Warner undertook to do what was +proper on the occasion, and instantly set out it with an alacrity that +shewed the goodness of his heart. + +How wonderfully shame operates on some minds! this wretched man, Ware, +whom neither the laws of God nor man could restrain, has, by this single +passion alone, been subdued. He found his base conduct was known by +people whom he could not impose on; and his forgiving the pretended +debt, no doubt, was meant as a bribe to prevent his disgrace from being +propagated: for though he could sit down and enjoy himself under the +accumulated guilt of fraud, perfidy, cruelty, oppression, and +ingratitude; he was not proof against the reproach and ridicule of the +world. This shews at least that he was not long practised in crimes of +this sort. + + + _March 24_ + +I did not see Mr Warner again till this morning, when he entered my room +making flourishes with his hands. Mr Price and his daughter were with +him--Here they are for you, said he, and it has done my heart good to +deliver such honest people from their misery. + +The good old man poured forth such fervent prayers, and thanks for my +goodness towards them, that my heart exulted with rapture, at being the +means of conferring such happiness, as this worthy parent and child +seemed to enjoy. The young girl's gratitude was silent, but not less +ardent than her father's. She had kneeled down before me, and kissed my +hands. I was greatly touched with the humility and tenderness of her +acknowlegement. + +I put an end to the grateful effusions of these honest hearts. I have +done but little for you, said I, as yet; as Mr Ware had the grace to +refuse the offered sum, I shall apply that money which I intended for +him to your future use, or your liberty will avail you but little. + +We shall think of some method of settling you comfortably for life; in +the mean while your daughter and you shall be welcome to live with me. + +I stopped him from renewing his thanks, and insisted on his saying no +more on that subject. The poor old gentleman is extremely feeble and +languishing from his long confinement, but I hope with proper care, as +he is naturally strong, he will recover his health. + + + _April 1_ + +What true delight springs from benevolent actions, my dear! I never +expected such heart-felt satisfaction as I have received from restoring +comfort to these truly deserving people. I have bought the young lady +some new clothes, plain, but genteel; and you cannot imagine what a +pretty creature she is, now she is dressed. I find the old gentleman a +man of admirable understanding, and great reading. He has a simplicity +in his manner that is truly engaging, but at the same time a politeness +that shews he is no stranger to the great world. Of his integrity he has +given convincing proofs. Praised be the Lord! who has made me, and +honest Mr Warner, the instruments of delivering such a man from the +depths of affliction. He mends apace in his health, but I am afraid he +will never recover the use of his hand; though, as it is not painful, it +seems not to give him any uneasiness.-- + + + _April 10_ + +I am infinitely charmed with the conversation of this couple; for the +girl is very sensible, and prettily accomplished. I wish she were +married to some honest man that knew her value; for I find she has still +terrors on Mr Ware's account, nor is her father without his +apprehensions. + +He said to me to-day, if I were to die, Madam, I would conjure you as +my last request to take my daughter into your service. With such a +pattern before her she must be virtuous, and with such a protector I am +sure she would be safe. + +I told him he might rely on me, but that I hoped he would live long +enough to see her happily disposed of in marriage. + +If I could see that day, said he, I should then have no other worldly +care to disturb me. + +Here, my dearest Cecilia, I will close my very long narrative. The +pacquet is already swelled to an enormous size, but you never think them +too large. + + + _May 14_ + +After so many trifles, my dear, as my journal for nearly a month past +contained, you will be glad of something a little more serious. I +mentioned in my last week's journal, that I had cast my eyes on a young +man, who I thought would make a suitable match for Miss Price, if he +were approved of by her, and her father. This person is a linen-draper +in the Strand, a second brother of my Patty's. You can't have forgot +Harry Main, my dear, whom we both knew as a boy, remarkable for his +sober behaviour, modesty, and sweetness of temper. He is just now out of +his time, and his eldest brother has set him up in a handsome shop. You +may be sure I am his customer. 'Tis on this lad then that I have turned +my thoughts, as a fit husband for the amiable girl. I went yesterday +morning to buy some linen for Miss Price, and carried her with me, as I +had done once or twice before. After we made our markets, I told young +Main, with a freedom which a long acquaintance gave me, that I thought +he was so well settled, he wanted nothing but a good wife to complete +his happiness. He replied, he should think himself very happy if he +could light on some good young woman as a partner for life. Why do you +not look out for one, said I? They are not so hard to be come at. I +believe, Madam, he answered, I must get some one else to do it for me, +my friends laugh at me and say I am too bashful to speak for myself, but +I fancy were I to meet with a person that really touched my heart, I +should make a shift to find courage enough to tell her so. + +And have you never yet seen such a person, said I? He blushed, and by an +involuntary motion his eyes were turned on Miss Price, of whom I +concluded his sister Patty, as she often visits him, had given him the +history. He said if I commanded him to tell his secret, I should know it +another time. + +This was enough; I asked in a jocose way, would he take a wife of my +chusing? Sooner than of any body's in the world, Madam, he replied. + +We took our leave, and I asked Patty when I went home, whether she had +ever mentioned any thing about Miss Price to her brother? Poor Patty +coloured for fear she had committed a fault, but owned directly she had +told him every circumstance of her story; her brother having been very +inquisitive about her, from the first time he had seen her with me; and +added, that she believed he was down-right in love with her. + +I told her if Miss Price liked her brother, and her father did not +disapprove the match, I saw no reason why they might not make each other +happy, as I should give Miss Price a fortune worth a young man's +acceptance. + +Patty said, she was sure her brother would rejoice at the offer, and +that she herself could not wish him to make a better choice. + +It only remained now to know how the young lady herself stood affected +towards him. I put Patty (for whom Miss Price had conceived a great +affection) upon this task. I thought she would speak her mind with less +reserve to her, as I feared the obligation she thought herself under to +me, might have such an influence on her gratitude, as to prevent that +freedom which I wished her to use; for I was resolved not to put the +least shadow of constraint on her inclinations. + +Patty succeeded so well, that without seeming to have any design in it, +she drew a confession from Miss Price very much in her brother's favour. + +Being now sure that the young people liked each other, I thought I might +open my design to the old gentleman, which I did in few words. How the +good man was delighted with the happy prospect which his +deservedly-beloved daughter had before her! he has left the affair +intirely to me, so that I hope to have the girl disposed of very much to +all our satisfaction. + + + _May 18_ + +I am charmed with Mr Warner's noble behaviour. I claim an interest, said +he, in these honest creatures that you have taken under your protection. +I like the old fellow mightily, and admire the little girl so much, +that, if you had not provided a better husband for her, I should have +been half tempted to have taken her myself; but since it is as it is, +we must do handsomely by her. + +I told him I had enquired into the young man's circumstances, and found +that about a thousand pounds would set him forward extremely well, and +that this was the portion I intended to give him with the young +gentlewoman. + +Well said he, I believe that will do; but I must make the poor thing a +present myself for wedding-trinkets. And the old man too, must we not +take care of him? + +Dear Sir, said I, how good you are? You would remind me of my duty, if I +myself were forgetful of it. But I have already settled a hundred pounds +a year on him. + +Is that enough, said he? will it make the good fellow easy? + +Oh, Sir, it exceeds his wishes; he intends to live with his daughter, as +his growing infirmities require her tender care. + +Every thing is to be this day settled. Mr Price is exceedingly pleased +with his son-in-law elect; and the wedding will be no longer delayed, +than till Mr Main receives the answer to those letters which he has +wrote to his friends in the country, to apprize them of his approaching +marriage. + + + _May 26_ + +I am sure my dear Cecilia will rejoice with her friend in the +acquisition she has received to her own happiness by conferring so much +on a worthy family. The bride is this day gone home to her own house; +her delighted father with her. Their prayers and blessings, poured out +from truly grateful and virtuous hearts, remain with me. A reward, my +dear, and a rich one too, for the self-satisfying part I have acted. + +My worthy Patty, whose merit alone raises her much above her station, I +shall no longer consider as my servant. She has been my friend in the +tenderest and most enlarged sense of the word, and she shall continue +so. I have hired another maid to wait on me, and with a sort of merry +ceremony enfranchised Patty on the day of her brother's marriage; for I +had her dressed elegantly as bride's maid to her new sister, and she sat +on her right-hand at the wedding dinner. I look on her as my companion, +but I cannot persuade her to forget that I was her mistress. She shews +this by actions, not by words. + + +[Here follows an interval of thirteen months, in which nothing material +to the thread of the story occurs. The journal contains only a +continued series of such actions, as shewed the noble and pious use +which Mrs Arnold made of the great fortune which providence had blessed +her with. The rest is filled up with a variety of little incidents, many +of them relative to her brother and his lady, to Mr Warner, and several +letters from Lady V----, with whom she constantly corresponded. At the +end of that period the journal proceeds thus.] + + + _June 28, 1708_ + +And shall I really be so blessed, my ever beloved Cecilia, as to see you +at the time you mention? Oh, my dear, after an absence of five long +years, how my heart bounds with joy at your approach! The two months +that are to intervene before we meet will appear very tedious to me. But +it is always so with happiness, that is within our view. Before I +expected you, though I regretted your absence, yet did I patiently +acquiesce under it, and could entertain my thoughts with other objects; +but I am now, I cannot tell you how anxious and impatient to see you. +And yet, my Cecilia, we shall have nothing new to say to each other, +knowing as we both do every circumstance of each other's life since we +parted. Mine has been a strange one; but my lot is now fallen on a fair +ground, where, I hope it will please heaven to continue me whilst I am +to remain in this world. The noble, I may almost call it, princely +fortune that my kinsman has settled on me, will enable me to leave my +children greatly provided for, whenever it shall be God's pleasure to +call me away. Let me but live to embrace my Cecilia, and then, +providence, thy will be done! + + + _June 29_ + +Gracious God! for what I am yet reserved? My trembling hand can scarce +hold my pen, but I will try to tell you the event which yesterday +produced. + +I was but just set down to dinner; nobody with me but Patty and my +children. A note was brought into me, which, they said came by a porter, +who waited for an answer. I opened and read it. My eyes were struck with +the unlooked for name of Orlando Faulkland at the bottom; the contents +filled me with terror and surprize. I know not what I have done with the +note, but he informed me in it that he was just arrived in town, and +begged I would appoint an hour that evening to see him alone, adding, +that his arrival was, and must be, a secret to every body but me. + +Troubled and shocked as I was, I returned for answer, by the same +messenger, that I should expect him at six o'clock. I need not tell you +how I passed the interval 'till that hour. It was impossible for me, +amidst a thousand conjectures, to form one which could probably occasion +this amazing visit. So strangely introduced! so unthought of! and from +one I imagined to be in another kingdom. + +Precisely at six o'clock, I heard a coach stop at the door; Patty was in +the way to receive him, and presently Mr Faulkland himself entered the +drawing-room. Distraction was in his looks! I rose to receive him, but +shook from head to foot; and I felt the blood forsaking my face. He ran +to me, as if with a design to salute me, but started back without making +the offer. I made a motion to a chair for him, and sat down myself, for +I was not able to stand. You are welcome to England, Sir, I am glad to +see you--scarce knowing what I said. I hope your lady is well? He looked +wildly, as if in horror at the question. Then suddenly catching both my +hands, he fell on his knees before me, his eyes fixed mournfully on my +face, and it was some time before he could answer. + +I could not speak; I burst into tears:--there was something dreadful in +his silence. He kissed both my hands, but I withdrew them from him. Sir, +Sir, speak I conjure you. You shock me to death! I see I have, said he; +and I am afraid to proceed: you will die at the relation. For God's +sake, Sir, explain yourself.-- + +You see a man, said he, whose life is forfeited to the law--My wife is +dead--and by my hand--. + +I don't know whether he said more, for I fainted away. It seems he did +not call for any help, but by his own endeavours at last brought me to +myself, and I found him weeping bitterly over me. + +The sound of the last horrid words I had heard him speak still rung in +my ears. I begged him to explain them. + +That wife, said he, that woman whom _you_ persuaded me to marry, I +caught in adultery, and I punished the villain who had wronged me with +death. She shared in his fate, though without my intending it. For this +act of justice, which the law will deem murder, I myself must die, and I +am come but to take a last look.--What recompence then can you make the +man, whom you have brought to misery, shame and death? + +His looks, and the tone of voice with which he spoke this, made my blood +run cold, and my heart die within me. + +I wrung my hands, and redoubling my tears, I do not need your +reproaches, said I, to make me the most miserable woman on earth--What +recompence indeed _can_ I make you--None, none, but to tell you that if +you will fly this instant, my fortune will be at your disposal, and I +will take care to supply you in what part soever of the world you shall +chuse for your residence. + +And can you after all that is past, said he, persist in such barbarity +as to drive me from you? or are you determined to see me perish here? If +that be so, I will soon rid you of this miserable hated wretch. + +He drew his sword like a madman, and with a dreadful imprecation, which +made me shudder, swore that if I did not that minute, promise to bear +him company in his flight, he would plunge it into his breast, and die +before my eyes.--Good God, what a scene of horror was this! I will, I +will, I cried, I will go with you to the farthest verge of the earth. I +catched his arm, fell down on my knees, and was more mad, if possible +than himself. + +I begged of him to put up his sword, which he did, seeing me almost dead +with fear. You know, said he, the means of dying are always in my own +power; take care you do not trifle with me, nor plead in excuse for +falsifying your promise, that you made it to save me from immediate +destruction. + +I beseeched him to calm himself a little, and to permit me to send for +my brother. Sir George you know has an intire affection for you, said I, +you may trust him with your life in safety. + +I had forgot him, said he; poor Bidulph! he will be afflicted when he +hears my story. + +I instantly wrote a line to my brother requesting to see him +immediately. By good fortune he was home, and came to me directly. + +In the mean time, as I saw Mr Faulkland's mind was exceedingly +disturbed, I endeavoured, by giving him an account of my own situation, +to divert his thoughts from the trouble that preyed on them; for I was +apprehensive of his relapsing into the same phrenzy that had so much +terrified me, if I touched on the cause, and therefore chose to defer +enquiring into the particulars of his misfortune, till my brother should +be present. + +Sir George was equally astonished with me at the sight of Mr Faulkland; +they embraced tenderly; poor Mr Faulkland wept upon my brother's neck. +It was easy to discover he laboured under some extraordinary affliction. + +My brother looked at me as if for an explanation; he seemed to guess at +least part of the fatal truth. Are you come to England alone, Faulkland, +said he? I prevented the reply; he is alone, said I, he has a dreadful +story to relate to you. Mrs Faulkland is dead. I durst not ask the +manner of her death, till you were by, to calm the transports of your +friend. + +My heart forebodes, answered my brother, addressing himself to Mr +Faulkland, that the ungrateful woman you married has betrayed you. She +did, replied Mr Faulkland, but I did not mean to stain my hands with her +blood, perfidious as she was; her death be on her own head. + +Sir George looked astonished; that she is dead I rejoice said he, but +how my dear Faulkland, were you accessary to it? + +We were that instant interrupted. Mr Warner passing by, called to ask me +how I did, and as my brother's chariot stood at the door, I could not be +denied to him, though I had ordered that nobody should be let in. + +I was called down to him, and indeed was not sorry to have an excuse for +absenting myself a while, for my spirits were quite overpowered. + +Mr Warner quickly observed that something extraordinary had happened, +and as he was already acquainted with the greatest part of Mr +Faulkland's history, some particulars relative to his wife excepted, I +made no scruple, relying on his prudence and secrecy, of telling him the +cause of my present distress; in which he seemed to take a friendly and +even paternal share. + +When he was gone, I returned to the room where I had left my brother and +his friend. They both seemed in extreme agitation, they were walking +about. + +This is an unfortunate affair, said my brother, and may be attended with +dreadful consequences, if Faulkland does not shew more regard to his own +safety, than he seems inclined to do. I have been persuading him to +retire to a place which I can provide for him, where he may lye +concealed for a day or two, till he is recovered from the fatigue of his +journey; for he has travelled night and day for these three days without +sleeping. + +Sir George looked at me, and by a sorrowful sign which he made, I +apprehended he feared his unhappy friend's head was disturbed. + +For heaven's sake, Sir, said I, be advised by my brother, who loves you; +suffer him to conduct you to some place of security; when you have had a +little repose we will both come to you, and concert such measures as +shall be best for your safety. + +He snatched my hand, Sir George is my true friend, said he, take care +that you do not deceive me. I find myself giddy for want of rest. I am +satisfied to be disposed of for to-night how you please. But give me +your word of honour that I shall see you in the morning. + +You shall indeed, Sir, I replied. + +Depend upon it, answered Sir George, I'll bring her to you myself. + +He looked irresolute, and as if he knew not what to say; then turning to +my brother, and leaning on his shoulder, Do, dear Bidulph, carry me to +some place where I may lie down, for my spirits can hold out no longer. + +Come, said Sir George, taking him under the arm, my chariot is at the +door, I will bring you to a house where you may be quiet at home. + +Mr Faulkland rivetted his eyes on me, as my brother led him out of the +room, but he did not speak. + +Sir George whispered me that he would return again. They went into the +chariot together and drove away. + +It was ten o'clock before my brother returned. He told me he had lodged +Mr Faulkland safely at a friend's house in whom he could confide, as he +did not think his own, in case of a search, a place of security. + +He said he had seen him in bed, and hoped a little sleep would compose +his mind, which seemed very much disturbed. I requested my brother to +give me the particulars of that terrible affair, which Mr Faulkland had +mentioned. Sir George related to me what follows, though Mr Faulkland, +he said, told the story but incoherently. + +Mr Faulkland said he had no reason to be displeased with his wife's +conduct for more than a year after their marriage; her affection for him +seemed lively and sincere; and he had made her the most grateful +returns, it being the study of his life to render her happy. Her love +abated not of its ardor, and he had all the reason in the world to +imagine himself intirely possessed of her heart. + +Whilst Mr Faulkland's house in the country was building, he had been +invited by a neighbouring gentleman, who lived at the distance of about +three miles from his own place, to stay at his house; which obliging +offer Mr Faulkland had readily accepted, as by that means he had daily +opportunities of seeing, and expediting his own improvements. + +Mr Bond (that was the gentleman's name) had a wife and two or three +daughters, all very agreeable women; with whom Mrs Faulkland had, by +living so much in their family, contracted a great intimacy; but +particularly with the eldest, a sprightly fine young woman, of about +twenty years old. They had been three or four months at Mr Bonds; their +house, which was nothing more than a little lodge, was finished; and +they only waited till it was thoroughly dry to remove into it, as Mr +Faulkland had laid out extensive gardens, in the finishing of which he +proposed to amuse himself some time; for he acknowleged to my brother, +he was in no haste to return to England. + +During their residence with this gentleman, they had made two or three +excursions to town. On their return from one of these, after an absence +of about a fortnight, they found a visitor at Mr Bond's; his name was +Smyth; he was an officer, a genteel handsome man, and they were given to +understand he made his addresses to the eldest daughter; of whom he had +been an admirer a long time, but durst not make his pretensions known to +her father, till having lately been promoted in the army to the rank of +a major, the young lady's parents admitted his visits to their daughter. +She had long before that acknowleged to Mrs Faulkland in confidence, her +attachment to him. Mr Faulkland, who had learned this secret from his +wife, was very glad to find that Miss Bond, for whom he had great +esteem, was likely to have her wishes accomplished, as he saw that Major +Smyth was treated with distinction by her parents, who complimented him +with a bed at their house; for he generally staid two or three nights +with them, every time he paid them a visit, as his regiment was then +quartered at a town about fifteen miles distant from their house. + +The Major, without being a man of very shining parts, had such talents +as made him acceptable to the women. He sung prettily, was lively to +extravagance, full of agreeable trifling, and always in good humour. +Miss Bond loved him; and as he was considered in the light of a person +who would shortly be one of the family. Mr Faulkland soon contracted a +friendship with him, which the Major on his part, seemed very solicitous +to improve. + +The marriage was now agreed on, and was only deferred till the young +lady's brother should be at age, as he was to join with his father in +making a settlement on his sister. This desirable event was at the +distance of four months; but as the lover was in the mean time permitted +to enjoy so much of his mistress's conversation, he seemed to submit to +the delay with patience. + +Things were in this situation, when Mr Faulkland, thinking it time to +remove to his own house, proposed it to his lady; but she objected to +it, declaring she did not think it safe, as the house had been so +lately built. Though indeed it was now perfectly well seasoned; for the +shell had been intirely finished some time before Mr Faulkland had gone +to Mr Bond's house, and it was only the inside work, and a kitchen that +was built apart from the lodge, that wanted to be completed. Mr +Faulkland was unwilling to oppose his lady in any thing; but he was the +more solicitous that she should comply with his request in this +particular, as he thought he had observed that the eldest Miss Bond, +had, of late, behaved with more coldness towards her than usual. Though +he was far from guessing the cause of this, he thought it, however, a +sufficient reason for their removal. He was afraid they had already +staid too long; and that, perhaps, notwithstanding the good nature and +hospitality of the family they all now secretly wished their absence. +This, though he intended to make a suitable return for their friendly +reception of him during so long a time, made him resolve not to continue +there; and the more so, as Miss Bond, who was present when he proposed +it to Mrs Faulkland, seemed to wish for their departure; as she +dissented from that lady with regard to her opinion of the state of the +new house, and seemed to think there could no danger attend their +immediate entrance into it. Mrs Faulkland seemed nettled at this, and +immediately assented to her husband's proposal; the next day they took +their leave of Mr Bond's family, and repaired to their own house. + +Mr Faulkland, from this period, remarked a change in his wife's +behaviour; she grew melancholy and peevish; but as she complained of not +being well, he imputed the alteration in her temper to that alone; and +the more so, as she did not abate in the tokens of her seeming affection +for him. + +Mr Bond's family frequently visited them; Major Smyth always made one of +the party, and often came without them. Though they lived but at the +distance of three miles from each other, yet as the road for carriages +between the two houses, being a-cross one, was very bad, the ladies were +often prevailed on, if they staid late, to lye a night at Mr +Faulkland's, and in consequence of this, Mr Bond and the Major had +frequently done the same when they were of the party. + +Though Mr Faulkland was far from having any injurious suspicion of his +wife, he could not help observing that all her complaints vanished, +whenever this family were at her house. This, however, he ascribed to +nothing more than her being fond of the company, though he thought a +coolness between her, and the eldest Miss Bond, was still apparent. The +principals of the family, however, behaved with their usual frankness +and good-humour, and Mr Faulkland thought there might be some little +female pique between the two ladies, which was not worth enquiring into. + +As they punctually returned the friendly visits of these agreeable +neighbours, Mrs Faulkland always proposed passing the night there, to +induce them, as she said, to use the same obliging freedom at her house. +Mr Faulkland, on those occasions observed, that his lady always rose +much earlier than usual, but unsuspecting as he was, he was satisfied +with the reason she assigned for it, that of enjoying the pleasant hours +of the morning in a very delicious garden; a pleasure which they could +not have at home, as Mr Faulkland's improvements were only in their +infancy. + +The mutual intercourse between the two families was thus carried on for +more than three months, when the time drew near, that Miss Bond and her +lover were to be united, and every thing was preparing for the purpose. +The young Mr Bond was come home from the college, and the house on this +occasion was more chearful than ever. Mr Faulkland and his lady were +there at a ball one night, when the latter, after dancing a long time, +complained suddenly of being violently ill and either really did, or +pretended to, faint. She was immediately conveyed to bed, and, at her +request, another room prepared for Mr Faulkland. He, extremely alarmed +at her indisposition, came to her bed-side, purposing to sit up by her +the whole night; the youngest of the Miss Bond's offering to do the +same, but Mrs Faulkland absolutely refused them both, and about +midnight, saying she found herself inclined to sleep, insisted on their +retiring; nor would she admit a servant to stay in the room, but +contented herself with having a candle burning on the hearth. + +Mr Faulkland, who really had an affection for his lady, was impatient +the next morning to enquire after her health; he found her in bed, the +complaints of the preceding night all renewed. + +The family were extremely disconcerted at this unlucky accident, and +expresed the utmost uneasiness, all but the eldest Miss Bond, who was +silent; and heard her mother and sisters condoling with Mr Faulkland, +not only with unconcern, but a suppressed smile of contempt, which did +not escape Mr Faulkland's observation. He now began to resent such a +behaviour, which he thought very unkind; and told his lady he wished she +was in a condition to be removed, as he was fearful in her present +situation it might be very inconvenient to the family to have her remain +sick in their house; especially as it quite broke in on the mirth and +festivity which were now going forward. + +To this she replied, that she found herself so weak and dispirited, +which she said was always the consequence of those faintings, to which +she had been subject from her childhood, that she could not think of +leaving her room. She made a shift, however, to rise, and said she hoped +in a day or two to be able to remove. + +Mrs Bond, who was of an extremely humane and tender disposition, begged +of her not to think of stirring till she found her health perfectly +re-established: Mrs Faulkland thankfully accepted her offer, and Mr +Faulkland, though reluctantly, was obliged to acquiesce. + +They remained thus two days longer, Mrs Faulkland's complaints still +furnishing her with a pretence for sleeping alone; and, under colour of +not giving trouble in the family, she would not suffer a maid to sit up +with her. + +Major Smyth, who had been in the house all this time, had now some call +to his regiment, which obliged him to go to the town where it lay, and +Mr Faulkland heard him give his man directions for their journey. + +Mrs Faulkland still kept her room, and had not left it since the time +she was first taken ill. It happened that the chamber which was assigned +for Mr Faulkland, immediately joined his lady's, and was only separated +from it by a wainscot partition, by which means he could hear the least +stir in her chamber. + +The unsuspecting injured husband, whose anxiety for his faithless wife +had always made him watchful and attentive to her motions, happened this +night to be more than ordinarily so. The family had now been for some +hours buried in sleep; every thing was profoundly silent for some time. +Mr Faulkland, who hoped his lady was settled to rest, was endeavouring +to compose himself to sleep, when he heard her stir. This immediately +roused him, and raising his head off the pillow, he found she got out of +bed. Though she seemed to use the utmost precaution, he nevertheless +heard her very distinctly open her door, and go out. Surprized as he was +at this motion, no other thought occurred to him, than that perhaps Mrs +Faulkland, finding herself ill, had got up to call some of the female +servants. Prepossessed with this belief, he started out of bed, and +hastily slipping on his clothes, ran into his lady's room, where he +found her candle still burning. + +As he concluded she would presently return, he waited some minutes in +her chamber; at length, perceiving her clothes lying on a chair at her +bed-side, he was afraid she had gone out without putting any thing on +her, and though the night was not cold, he was apprehensive, that in her +apparently weak condition, her health might be farther injured. + +On this account, he determined to go in quest of her; and concluding she +had gone to the apartment of the female servants, which was on the floor +over that on which they lay, he ascended the stairs as silently as +possibly. + +As he was passing by a room on the top of the first flight, he heard +some one speak in a low voice, and listning, fancied it was his wife's. + +As he knew not who lay in that room, he made no doubt but that it was +she, who was calling the person that slept there; and, without farther +reflection, hastily opened the door, and went in, with the candle, which +he had taken in his hand. On his sudden entrance, the person, who was in +bed, eagerly called out, Who is there? He soon perceived by his voice, +that it was Major Smyth. He was about to make an apology for his +intrusion, when he perceiving his lady's wrapping gown, which he had +seen her wear that morning, lying on the floor, and in the same instant +recollecting that he had heard a woman's voice when he was without-side +the door, the horror of her guilt rushed upon him at once, and without +making any answer to the major, he suddenly drew back the feet curtains +of the bed, where he plainly perceived that the major had a companion, +though she had hid her head under the clothes. + +The major instantly leaped out of bed, and though he saw Mr Faulkland +was unarmed, he snatched up one of his own pistols, which lay on the +table, and which his man had charged that night, as they were to go a +short journey the next morning. Mr Faulkland, in the first transports of +his rage, seized the other; the miserable woman, observing their fatal +motions, threw herself out of bed. Mr Faulkland was too much distracted +to be able to give a distinct account of this dreadful incident; all he +can say is, that Major Smyth snapped his pistol at him, which, he +thinks, missed fire, and he instantly discharged his with more fatal +success; for Mrs Faulkland, who had in the instant rushed between them +shrieked out, and dropped on the ground; and the major reeling a few +steps, fell against one of the pillars of the bed, and cried out, He has +killed us both. + +Mr Faulkland says, that, after this dreadful action, without knowing +what he did, he ran down stairs, and opening the front door, made the +best of his way home on foot. The phrenzy of his mind was such that he +thought not of providing for his safety; but having got into his house, +he had no intention of going farther, when, in less than a quarter of an +hour, one of his servants, whom he had left behind him at Mr Bond's, a +faithful fellow, who had lived with him many years, came to him, scared +and breathless, having ran himself almost dead to overtake his master. + +Oh, Sir, said he, for heaven's sake, get away as fast as you can: Mr +Bond's family are all in an uproar; you will be taken, if you do not +make your escape this instant. + +Have I killed any body? demanded Mr Faulkland. + +Oh, Sir, answered the man, you have killed my lady, and Major Smyth is +mortally wounded. + +I know not what I did, cried Mr Faulkland, but I did not mean to hurt +your mistress. + +I believe it, Sir, replied the servant, but I fear nobody else will, for +that wicked wretch, though they think he cannot live many hours, would +take away your life if he could. The report of the pistol alarmed the +family, and we all ran into his room, gentry and servants and all; the +major was able to speak, but my lady was quite dead. + +The account he gives is, that my lady's candle having gone out she got +up to get it lighted, and was endeavouring to find one of the maid's +rooms, when passing by his, and seeing a light, for he was but just got +into bed, she stepped in; and before she had time to retire again, you +rushed in like a madman; and seeing his pistols lie on the table, you +snatched them both up, and discharged one at your lady, which killed her +on the spot, you fired the other at him, while he was leaping out of +bed. I am sure, Sir, this is a false story, yet, as the family may all +believe it, I beg you on my knees, to provide for your safety. Miss Bond +was tearing her hair for her lover; but I heard her say, she was glad +that wicked woman (meaning my lady) had lost her life. + +They had sent off some of the people for a surgeon, and I ran as fast as +I could to warn you of your dangers. + +This honest fellow, not contented with urging his master, soon saddled a +very swift hunter, which he had in the stable; and Mr Faulkland, now +convinced of the necessity of flying, mounted it directly, and, attended +only by one groom, galloped off to Dublin, which he reached by seven +o'clock in the morning, and was lucky enough to arrive just as a packet, +which was going off with an express was ready to sail. He went on +board, and landed at Holly-head in twelve hours, from thence, without +stopping night or day, except to change horses, he rode post to London, +and presented himself, in the manner I have already told you, before me. + + * * * * * + +Such, my Cecilia, are the dismal particulars of this sad story. My +brother staid with me 'till it was very late; our time was past in +consulting on measures for Mr Faulkland's preservation. He said, he +would advise him, by all means, to get over to Holland as fast as he +could; for if that story, which the execrable Smyth had invented, should +be believed, and it was very likely to gain credit in case he died of +his wound, and persevered in it to the last, Mr Faulkland, having no +witness to disprove any part of the charge, would be in imminent danger +of losing his life. + +I need not describe to you the horror in which I passed last night. I +rose this morning at day-light, and was but just dressed, when I was +informed Mr Warner wanted to speak to me. I went down stairs to him +directly. + +I could not sleep all night for thinking of your affairs, said he, +without any previous salute; and I am so impatient to hear Faulkland's +story, that I could not rest 'till I came to you to be informed of it, +for I suppose you heard every thing last night. + +I related all the particulars minutely as I have done to you, Mr Warner +never once interrupting me. When I had ended the story, what do you +intend for Faulkland, said my kinsman? I know not what to do, Sir, I +replied; but this I am sure of, that if it were in the power of wealth +to relieve his afflicted mind, he has an undoubted right to a large +portion of the fortune I possess; this I think myself bound to bestow on +the man, who, when I was destitute, offered me his. If we can prevail on +him to take care of his own safety, which, when he is a little more +collected, I hope we shall be able to do, I must entreat your +assistance, Sir, in helping me to make him as easy as his unhappy +circumstances will admit of.--And is this _all_, demanded Mr Warner +sternly? Does not your gratitude suggest a warmer recompence than giving +him a paultry income? + +I was startled at the question, and not replying immediately, You must +marry him, said he in a peremptory tone; there is nothing now to hinder +you; the heavy misfortune which has fallen upon him, puts it in your +power to make him such a return as his prosperous days would not have +allowed you. You can confer an obligation on him now; so _that_ scruple +is rubbed out. As for any former idle aspersions, you have already done +more than enough to convince the world they were without foundation. I +could wish indeed that Jezebel of a wife had been cut off in the common +way; but since he was guiltless in his intentions, it would be barbarous +to make _that_ an objection, and I dare answer for it, all mankind will +acquit him, though the law perhaps may not, of that scoundrel's death, +who so well deserved it at his hands. + +I told Mr Warner, that though Mr Faulkland had proposed something like +this, I was sure it was owing to his distracted mind, for that he had at +first declared he only came to take a last look at me, and that I hoped, +when he came to the cool use of his reason, he would be far from urging +such a request--The more are you bound then, said he, interrupting me, +to deal generously by him.--What does your brother say upon the subject? +He has not touched upon it, I replied, I was so taken up with hearing Mr +Faulkland's melancholy story from my brother, that I mentioned not to +him his wild proposal; and as Sir George told me Mr Faulkland was much +more composed when he left him to his rest, I presume he hinted nothing +of that kind to my brother. + +Ay, ay, cried Mr Warner, Sir George to be sure will change his note. Mr +Faulkland is now a fallen man, therefore depend on it he will not be for +your marrying him; but for this very reason, I insist on your doing a +noble thing. If you have a grain of honour, or of gratitude in you, you +will not hesitate a moment. I will not desire you, continued he, finding +me silent, to carry your gratitude so far as to marry a madman, if he +should prove to be so; but if on your visit to him this morning, you +find him composed, and in his right mind, make him a frank offer of your +hand, and see you do it handsomely; consult not George, upon the +subject, I will have it all _my_ doing. Go, added he, if I did not know +that at the bottom of your heart you _love_ Faulkland, I would not make +this a point with you; but notwithstanding all your pretended demurs I +am sure that is the case. + +I should be disingenuous to deny it, answered I; far from doing so, I +will own that I should prefer him before all the world, if the +strangeness of his present situation did not frighten me. Trouble not +your head about that, cried Mr Warner, if the man is in his senses, do +as I bid you, and take care that you acquit yourself with honour. + +He left me without waiting for a reply. What can I say or do, my +Cecilia? My heart and my reason are at variance. What a strange dilemma +am I driven to? nobody to advise me. Mr Warner, precipitate and fanciful +in his determinations, urges me on to I know not what. Marry Mr +Faulkland! receive a hand stained with--Oh the very thought is terrible! + +What would the world say to such an union? It cannot be. He will not +sure when he comes to the use of his cooler reason insist upon a +promise, which my own terror, and his desperation, extorted from me. + +I must try to convince Mr Warner's judgment? I hope he will not +obstinately persist in pressing me to what I dare not comply with.... My +brother is just come to carry me to Mr Faulkland. Heaven grant I may +find him restored to his right mind!... Just returned from my visit to +Mr Faulkland. What a scene! He wrung my very heart. I would I had never +seen him. + +We found him up, and walking about his room; his looks much more +composed than they were last night. + +On our entering his chamber, his eyes sparkled with pleasure. He ran to +my brother, and embraced him. Thank you my dear, dear Bidulph, said he, +you at length give her to me, and with her own consent too. My bride! +turning passionately to me, and snatching my hand. + +My brother seemed shocked, and cast his eyes mournfully at me: mine +moistened, and I was obliged to apply my handkerchief to them, turning +my head away. + +Tears! cried Mr Faulkland, in a tone of surprize, and on our +wedding-day! I could not bear this, I sobbed aloud. My brother was +willing, if possible, to give his thoughts another turn, for not knowing +what had passed the day before, he thought this was some sudden start of +phrenzy. + +My dear Faulkland, said he, you affect my Sister too much; we have been +consulting for your safety, and came to talk with you upon it. + +I think there is no time to be lost, and that you ought immediately to +retire into Holland. + +I am ready, said Mr Faulkland, but Mrs Arnold goes with me, I have her +promise for it. + +Sidney shall follow you, answered my brother, making a motion to me to +shew he would have me humour him in his ravings. I will not go without +her, cried Mr Faulkland; the universe shall not now part us. + +I was almost distracted with apprehension, and knew not what reply to +make; my brother looked confounded, and was silent. + +Mr Faulkland approached me, and with a look of gloomy despair, You are +both mute, said he; Bidulph, I always thought _you_ loved me. Mrs Arnold +I hoped did not wish my death; but I am deceived in you both--I have no +farther business with life--The friend I most confided in betrays me; +the woman whom my soul worships, and to whom I sacrificed all my hopes +of happiness, repays me with ingratitude. Why should such a wretch any +longer submit to life? I have borne it too long already; but there's my +remedy, pointing furiously to his sword, which lay in the scabbard on a +table. + +I could no longer contain myself, but bursting into tears, Oh, Sir, said +I, accuse me not of ingratitude; I would to heaven _my_ death could +repair the heavy afflictions I have brought upon you; if it could, I +would welcome it this hour. Your reproaches, cruel as they are, I +forgive. I own myself the unhappy cause of all your misfortunes; we have +been mutually fatal to each other. You know I always valued and esteemed +you, and have in your calamity already been sufficiently punished for +the share I have had in bringing it on you. What shall I say to you, +Sir? My whole fortune I think too small, too poor a recompence, to the +man who has obliged me beyond a possibility of return. Yet what have I +to offer more? Can you, Sir, can you urge me to a marriage at so strange +a juncture? Think how it will expose us both to censure. Your long +attachment to me has not been a secret. Think what dreadful +constructions may be put on _your_ conduct, nay, on _mine_, should a +union now take place, brought about, as it must appear, by so terrible +an event. + +Mr Faulkland was silent, his eyes fixed on the ground. My brother took +up the argument. Indeed, my dear Faulkland, my sister has reason for her +fears. You know I ever was your sincere friend; you know too I always +was of opinion that Sidney ought to have been your wife; her former +objections I thought were romantic scruples, and hardly forgave her +refusing you. The present obstacle has more weight in it--Do not mistake +me, added he hastily (seeing Mr Faulkland raise his eyes full of +resentment at him) I wish my sister still to be yours, and will consent +to your marriage with my whole heart; but let me conjure you to take a +more favourable juncture; withdraw yourself but for the present; your +affairs may not be so desperate as you imagine. If that villain Smyth +should chance to recover, perhaps his conscience may awaken remorse, and +he may be prevailed on to do you justice. In that case you must be +cleared from the most distant imputation of what my sister hinted at, +and what has but too justly alarmed her. Cleared as your character will +then be, and conscious as we both are of the innocence of your +intentions there will remain no bar to Mrs Arnold's giving you her hand. + +Smyth _cannot_ recover, interrupted Mr Faulkland, suddenly--there is no +hope can spring from that. Then answered my brother, at worst you can +but live abroad; all parts of the world are alike to such a philosopher +as my sister is; and probably, circumstanced as your marriage will +appear, she may like best to reside out of England.-- + +Mr Faulkland shook his head, and with a smile of indignation, Leave me, +Bidulph, cried he, I cannot bear _your_ attempting to deceive me. You +think me mad, and are cruel enough to endeavour at imposing on me--I +know my mind is disturbed--but who has driven me to despair! to madness! +to death! and he cast a look at me that chilled my blood. + +Be satisfied, Madam, you shall soon be rid of this +fatal--hated--betrayed--abandoned wretch! he spoke this with his hands +grasped eagerly together, and his eyes lifted up to heaven. Then +striking his breast, he burst into tears, and rushing suddenly into his +closet, he shut the door violently, locking it on the inside. + +He wept aloud, and his agonies reduced me almost to the same condition +with himself. + +I begged my brother would endeavour to prevail on him to open the door, +for I was fearful of his making some dreadful attempt upon his own life; +but Sir George a little quieted my fears, by shewing me his sword, which +still lay on the table, and which, at my desire, he put out of the way. + +My brother approached the closet door, and in the most soothing language +beseeched him to open it; but he could get no other answer from Mr +Faulkland than to beg he would leave him to himself. + +I found this was not a time for arguing. I told my brother, we had +better suffer him to vent his passion alone, and that, perhaps, when he +had time to reflect a little on what had been said, he would permit his +cooler reason to govern him. + +Sir George was very unwilling to leave him in such a distracted state of +mind; he renewed his efforts to persuade him to come out of the closet, +but to no purpose. + +I beseech you to leave me, Sir George, said he, I am not in a condition +to talk--I cannot bear the sight of Mrs Arnold--let me recover +myself--another time perhaps I may be better able to discourse with +you. + +Will you promise me then, replied my brother, that you will in the +interim do nothing that may be injurious to your life or health? Indeed, +my dear Faulkland, you distress my sister and me more than you can +imagine. Name the hour when you will permit me to come to you again; and +for heaven's sake think of your own immediate preservation: _that_ once +secured, there is nothing which my sister and I will not afterwards do +to make you happy--Can I rely on you, Faulkland? do you promise me not +to be rash? You have my sword in your possession, answered Mr Faulkland, +(still speaking within the closet) I have no other weapon about +me--leave me, Sir George--I cannot talk. + +Say but that you wish to see me again, replied my brother, and I will +go, and give you no further trouble. Mr Faulkland sighed deeply. Say, I +wish to see you! he repeated, ah, Bidulph! and his voice seemed choaked. +My brother could not refrain from tears. I will come to you in the +evening, Faulkland--You will find me your true friend.--I should be +loath to lay you under any restraint here, in the house of my friend; do +but say there is no need of it. Promise me--the slightest word will +suffice. I know my dear Faulkland will not break his word. + +Well--I will not attempt my life, cried he impatiently, let that satisfy +you--leave me, and let me not be exposed to any insults here. + +I leave you, answered my brother, and hope to find you more composed a +few hours hence. Mrs Arnold too begs you will be calm, and think of +preserving a life which is so dear to us both. + +Mr Faulkland was silent, and my brother and I withdrew; he thought it +best I should not speak to him. + +Sir George left me at home, and said he would call again on Mr Faulkland +in the afternoon, and bring me word how he should find him. My brother +is exceedingly affected with his situation, and says he knows not what +to advise. He is fearful that Mr Faulkland's phrenzy is not to be +calmed, but by consenting to marry him, and circumstanced as he now is, +that thought is terrible. Yet, if I persist in my refusal, I drive the +noblest of minds to desperation. Oh, my Cecilia, is this the return I +ought to make to the most generous of men? whose fervent love for me has +been a constant source of torment to him for so many years! Yet how can +I yield him my hand? All my former scruples, weighty as they appeared to +me, were light to the dreadful bar that now interposes. + +Had that ill-fated woman died the common way, with what joy, what +exultation could I have rewarded his honest persevering love! all my +duties fulfilled, obedience to my mother, justice to the woman I thought +injured, reverence to the memory of my husband, the respect due to my +own character. Should I not, my Cecilia, after thus being acquitted of +all other obligations, have been to blame, if, after a series of +misfortunes, all brought on by my strict adherence to those duties; +should I not have been to blame for refusing at length to do justice to +the most deserving of men? When I reflect on the past, when I survey the +present, and my foreboding heart whispers to me the future sufferings of +our dear unhappy Mr Faulkland, all my philosophy forsakes me. I have +borne up under my own sorrows--his quite subdue me--I must lay by my +pen--my eyes are brimful of tears.... Ah, my dear, what will become of +us? I am almost dead with apprehension. Rash, rash, unhappy Mr +Faulkland! He has fled from the house where my brother had concealed +him: I know not what I am writing, my fears distract me. 'Tis but two +hours since we left him, Sir George relying on his promise, and +unwilling to provoke him by any appearance of constraint, gave no +caution to the gentleman with whom he was lodged to observe his motions; +he is ready to kill himself for this neglect; but relying on Mr +Faulkland's promise not to make any attempt on his life, he suspected +not that he would endeavour to escape. Escape do I call it? rather let +me say, to throw himself into certain destruction.--He is set out on his +way for Ireland. Heaven knows what will be the consequence of this, if +my brother does not overtake and persuade him back. He is gone after +him, my cousin Warner with him; both rode post. + +My thoughts are so confused, I can put nothing in order. It seems we had +not long quitted him, when he called up his servant (that groom who, as +I informed you, had come over with him) and telling him he was going out +of town ordered him to go directly to an inn somewhere in the city, and +hire two post-horses, and that he would follow him presently. + +The man obeyed, and in about half an hour, his master came in a +hackney-coach to the place where he had directed him to wait for him. + +Upon the inn-keeper's enquiring whither the horses were to go, Mr +Faulkland replied, to St Alban's. The man objected to the length of the +stage, and named Barnet. Mr Faulkland seemed impatient and angry; his +unusual earnestness, his wild looks, and the road he purposed taking, +alarmed his servant (a discreet elderly man) and he had the prudence +immediately to dispatch the master of the house, whom he prevailed on by +a piece of money, to go directly to my brother with this intelligence. + +He had the precaution not to mention his master's name, only bade him +find out Sir George Bidulph, and tell him that his friend was set out +for St Alban's, and that his man had dispatched him with the news, and +would, if possible, endeavour to detain him on the road, that Sir George +might overtake him. + +The man was punctual in delivering his message. My brother, wild with +amazement and horror, just called as he past my door, to tell me this +new and unexpected misfortune. Mr Warner had that instant come to +enquire what had past between Mr Faulkland and me in our interview this +morning. I had no time to tell him any thing. He looked very much +displeased at my brother and me, upon hearing Mr Faulkland was gone; but +said he would accompany Sir George, and they both hurried away together. + +The man said, Mr Faulkland had set off before he could leave his house, +the servant having scarce time to give him the message. + +I fear it will be impossible for my brother to overtake him--He will be +lost forever--what then will be my portion? Happy had it been for me +indeed, as my dear mother once said in the bitterness of her heart, that +I had died in my cradle! + + + _Tuesday-night twelve o'clock_ + +Heaven be praised, they are returned! _All_ returned; Mr Faulkland has +been prevailed on to come back, Mr Warner has prevailed on him. He has +saved his life; but, my Cecilia, thy friend's temporal happiness, and +peace of mind, is the only price that could ransom this desperate +self-devoted victim! + +Mr Warner has bound himself by a solemn oath that I should become his +wife, or Mr Faulkland, determined on his own destruction, would, spite +of all they could do, have pursued his fatal journey to Ireland, in +order to deliver himself up to justice. + +It was near ten o'clock before they returned to town. My brother carried +Mr Faulkland back to the gentleman's house, where he was before lodged; +and my kinsman left them together, in order to come and give me an +account of what passed. + +He said the gentleman, at whose house he was lodged by my brother was +extreamly surprized at seeing him again, Mr Faulkland having with great +composure taken his leave of him in the morning; and after thanking him +for the shelter he had afforded him, told him he was going out of town. + +My brother and my kinsman overtook him above a mile on this side St +Alban's, for which success they were intirely indebted to the prudence +of the servant who attended him: For the poor man, finding himself +pushing on with the utmost eagerness, and Mr Faulkland no longer making +a secret of this intention of returning to Ireland; resolved at all +events to prevent his ruin; and hoping that by a little delay, Sir +George might overtake them, contrived at their first stage so +dexterously to slip a nail in between the horse's shoe and his hoof, +that he knew he could not go far without being lame. + +This succeeded so well, that the poor animal was soon disabled, and Mr +Faulkland not having it in his power to mount himself better, was +obliged to go on at a very easy rate 'till they arrived at the next +stage. + +Mr Warner and my brother overtook him in this situation: Sir George knew +him as soon as they came in sight of him, and followed him at a proper +distance, still keeping him in view, 'till he lighted at the post-house. +They then at once entered the room, into which he had retired, whilst +fresh horses were getting ready. + +Mr Faulkland started at the sight of my brother; he looked earnestly at +Mr Warner, whom he had never seen before; but spoke not to either of +them. + +Sir George, pursued my kinsman, accosted him affectionately: Dear +Faulkland, was this kind of you, thus to fly from your friends that love +you? He presented me to him at the same, naming me as his relation. + +Mr Faulkland grasped the hand, which I reached out in salutation to him; +he fixed his fine sparkling eyes on my face: Is it Mr Warner whom I have +the honour to salute? Sir, I am no stranger to your worth: I honour, I +revere you. You are too good to interest yourself thus for an unhappy +wretch, cast off, and forsaken by all the world. + +Do I forsake you, Faulkland, cried your brother, kindly enough? No, +Faulkland, I am your constant sincere friend, and will prove myself so, +if you will but let me. Mr Faulkland made no reply. + +Dear Faulkland, am I not your friend? You are Mrs Arnold's brother.--You +are not the man you were. Indeed Faulkland, I am; I am your true friend; +suffer me to be so, come back with me; Mr Warner and I have followed +you, in the hope of prevailing on you to return with us; do, Faulkland, +let us persuade you to preserve a life so dear to us all. + +What am I to live for, answered Mr Faulkland sternly? _You_ have tried +to deceive me; the man I loved most, now I am fallen, rejects me. Your +sister persists in her obstinate cruelty towards me; she breaks her +promise, and you encourage her in it. I have neither friends, fortune, +or country! and do you talk to me of life on _such_ conditions? No, +Bidulph, it is a burden of which I will rid myself--Mr Warner, _you_ are +a generous man, _you_ have an enlarged mind; may a stranger ask a favour +of you? + +I could have wept, continued my kinsman, to see such a frank noble +fellow driven to such desperation. Command me, Sir, I replied, there is +nothing I would not do to serve you. + +I thank you, Sir; I have a little son; let me recommend the unhappy +orphan to your protection. He will soon want a father: will you be one +to him, Sir? I will send him over to you; he laid hold of my hand, and +repeated his question, Will you Mr Warner? _You_ have an enlarged mind, +and do not despise the unfortunate. + +I cried downright; he touched me to the very quick. I never was so +affected in my life; and I own I was heartily displeased both with you +and your brother, for driving him to such extremities: _You_ especially, +on whom I laid injunctions to act in a contrary way. As for Sir George, +I am not surprized at _his_ behaviour. + +From Mr Faulkland's discourse, proceeded my kinsman, it was apparent to +me, that his distraction proceeded from no other cause, than his belief +that you and your brother slighted him in his misfortunes. It was plain +when he fled to England, that he was sufficiently in his senses to be +anxious for his own safety; and though the sight of you, joined to the +hurry of his spirits, his fatigue, and want of sleep, might, in a man of +such violent passions, have created a temporary phrenzy, yet I am very +certain it would all have subsided, if you had behaved to him as you +ought to have done, and as I desired you would: nor do I see how you can +answer it to yourself, after the miseries you have already brought on +such a glorious man (for I never saw his equal either in mind or person) +to persist in a behaviour which has already turned his brain, and must +in the end occasion his death: for death he is determined on, if you +refuse to become his wife. + +Oh, Sir, cried I, leave him not to himself, I conjure you; you see the +influence you have over his mind; you have done wonders in bringing him +back.-- + +Hold, replied Mr Warner, till I inform you of the means I was obliged to +use. + +I have told you how I was affected with his situation, and the request +he made me to take care of his child. This was not the suggestion of +madness; it was plain to me, that if the cause were removed, he would +soon be restored to the perfect use of his reason, and I could not bear +to see the desolation of such a noble frame, and all charged to your +account. + +Sir, I hope you do not mean, said I, to return to Ireland, do you not +know the risque that you run by putting yourself into the power of an +exasperated family from whom you can expect nothing but the most +malevolent persecution? + +I deliver myself up to the laws, replied Mr Faulkland; my life is +devoted, 'tis indifferent to me how I die. + +Suppose, said I, Mrs Arnold should consent to marry you, would not that +reconcile you to life? + +Oh, Sir, and he shook his head, I am not to be deceived _twice_. (Your +brother walked about the room without taking part in the conversation.) + +I do not mean it, Sir, Mrs Arnold must be yours; _I_ can influence her; +do but return back with me, I give you my honour I will do my utmost to +prevail on her to give you her hand immediately. Her heart is hardened, +Sir, she will not consent, replied he. I have no friend to urge her, I +am an outcast, and not fit to live--_I_ will urge her, Sir, she respects +me, she will be guided by me; she shall fulfil the promise she made +you--Oh, Sir, you but deceive yourself--she will find out new excuses, I +am not to be again allured by false hopes. + +He stepped towards the door as he spoke these words, and was about to +open it. Your brother followed, and laid hold of his arm; I did the +same. Sir George, said he, expose me not to insults, why do you +persecute me? Leave me, Sir, I am _not_ a madman--but I am +_determined_--and he spoke as if he were _indeed_ so. + +For heaven's sake, Faulkland, said your brother, be composed: You have +Mr Warner's word of honour; you shall have mine too, that we will do our +utmost to persuade Mrs Arnold to consent to your wishes. You have _my_ +full consent, you have won Mr Warner to your interest, my sister will +yield to our joint entreaties. _Yield_, he repeated, no, no, Sir George, +she has a stubborn heart. I once thought it otherwise; but it is turned +to stone, nothing but my death will satisfy, her, and she _shall_ be +satisfied. + +He made an effort to break from us. Stay Mr Faulkland, said I, again +laying hold of his hand, and I here swear to you by every thing that is +sacred, that if you will suffer me to conduct you back into Mrs Arnold's +presence, I will insist on her immediately accepting of you for her +husband, or I will for ever renounce all friendship with her: I know she +esteems and values you above all men, I am therefore sure, I do no +violence to her inclinations; and if she perseveres in her obstinate +punctilios, I swear to you by the same oath, that I will no longer +oppose you in your resolutions, let them be what they will. + +Sir George, added I, Do you join with me in giving your friend the same +assurances? I do, answered he, solemnly addressing himself to Mr +Faulkland, and swear by all my hopes of happiness hereafter, to act in +conjunction with Mr Warner in every particular that he has promised. + +Mr Faulkland seemed to be moved, he looked whistfully at us by turns, as +if willing, though afraid, to yield to our entreaties. + +At length, I _think_ I may rely on you, said he, you will not break an +oath (to Sir George) but that woman has such an _inflexible_ heart! you +cannot change _that_. + +We will do our utmost, we both answered together. Remember, then, said +he, stretching out a hand to each of us, you have sworn, if she persists +in her resolution, that you will leave me to myself, and oppose me no +longer. We have. I will go back with you then cried Mr Faulkland, and +stepped again nimbly to the door. + +It will be best, said I, if we can hire a coach to carry us; there is no +necessity for our riding post, and we shall be less liable to +observation than if we were on horse-back. Mr Faulkland looked as if he +suspected some design; do you not mean, said he, to go directly back to +London? Certainly, I replied. And shall I see Mrs Arnold to-night? +Without doubt, if you desire it. Let us go then, said he; I think a +coach is a tedious way of travelling, but I submit to _your_ guidance. + +I left Sir George with him, and went out to enquire whether we could be +provided with a coach and four; which after some delay was procured for +us. We prevailed on Mr Faulkland, whilst it was getting ready, to take a +little refreshment. He asked us, by what means we were informed of his +departure. + +Sir George, unwilling to let him know that his servant had discovered +it, evaded the question; and only replied, Do you think, Faulkland, that +in the humour I left you, I could be inattentive to your motions? I am +not a madman, Bidulph, I must not be treated like one. I do not think +you one, answered your brother, but I know you are warm, and too +fearless of danger. + +When the coach was ready, Mr Faulkland very willingly got into it with +us. He spoke but little, and appeared very thoughtful during our +journey. + +The coachman stopped at an inn, after we had driven about fifteen miles, +to bate his horses for a while. He seemed startled at it, and said he +would not alight. We told him there was no occasion, but your brother +and I chose to go into the house, that he might not think we watched +him. He seemed pleased at this, and smiled when we set forward again, +but did not speak. + +When we arrived in London, Now, Sir, said I, we will, if you please, go +directly to Mrs Arnold's house. As I am sure your absenting yourself in +the manner you did, exceedingly afflicted her, so am I certain your +return will give her sincere joy. I am ready therefore to attend you +immediately to her; but if I may advise you, I think it were better that +I should first see and talk to her. It will be proper to prepare her, by +giving her at least one night to reflect on the important event, which I +expect will take place to-morrow. Sir George, what are your sentiments? +I am of your mind, replied your brother?; I think my sister ought by all +means to have so much time given her for recollection. If Faulkland has +no objection to it, we will go to my friend's house, where he was +before. When you have seen my sister you may come to us there with her +determination. + +I have submitted myself for the present, answered Mr Faulkland, to your +guidance. To-morrow remember I am to be at liberty. Bidulph, beware how +you watch my motions again. + +Your brother then directed the coachman to his friend's house, Mr +Faulkland not opposing the motion. I went in for a few minutes merely to +satisfy myself in what manner Mr Faulkland had escaped from thence in +order to inform you. + +Mr Faulkland was very urgent with me to go to you. Keep me not long in +suspence, Sir, said he, I may as well know my fate to-night, as +to-morrow. + +I left him with a promise to return with your final answer. You know +_my_ sentiments, you know your brother's, and it rests on you to +pronounce sentence of life or death (for your answer imports no less) on +a man who is worthy of the greatest queen in the universe. What do you +say, Mrs Arnold, must Faulkland die? + +Heaven forbid, cried I, no, Sir; I should be inflexible _indeed_, if, +after what you have told me, I were any longer to resist. I yield, Sir, +to your request, to Mr Faulkland's, and to my brother's; and I will own +at the same time that my heart strongly impels me to consent. Yet, my +dear Sir, believe me I should have resisted _that_ impulse, if I could +hope that my refusal would not be followed by consequences too dreadful +to be thought on. There is therefore _no_ alternative, I _must_ be the +wife of Mr Faulkland. + +The sooner the affair is finished then the better, said he; Faulkland +stands here on slippery ground; perhaps some of the Bond family may by +this time be arrived in England, and in pursuit of him; therefore let +your marriage be dispatched immediately, and send him away directly to +Holland. I suppose when he has made sure of you, he may be prevailed on +to go without you. Oh, Sir, said I, urge this request to him I beseech +you, it is of the last importance to me that he should comply with it, +and the only preliminary that I have now to make to our marriage. Yes, +yes, answered my kinsman, I think we shall convince him of the necessity +of this. I shall escort you to Holland myself, for I have business at +Rotterdam; and I had thoughts of taking the voyage, if this occasion had +not offered. We will but just stay to settle some affairs here, and +observe what measures can be taken for his service, and then follow him. +Take courage, my dear, continued he, seeing me look sad, all may come +right again. I love out-of-the-way adventures, and this I think _is_ +one. We will live like princes, let us go where we will. I only wish +that your brother were _against_ the match, that I might have the more +pleasure in forwarding it; but I need not grudge him that _once_ in his +life he has shewn some tokens of generosity. + +I will return to Faulkland, I long to set his noble heart at ease. +Strange perverse creatures your sex are! It amazes me that any thing +could tempt you to reject such a man! Were I a woman, I should run mad +for him. Well, I will go to him, and let him know without any farther +demurs you will give him your hand to-morrow morning. Our honest friend +Price I think may join you. I will call on him, after I have seen +Faulkland, to bid him prepare for the business. I will myself have the +pleasure of giving you away. Good by--and away he went with a pleased +busy countenance. + +I took up my pen as soon as he departed, and have scribbled thus far +without suffering any reflections to stop me. Let me now lay down my +pen, to pause before I leap into the frightful precipice that opens +before me.... To-morrow! Ah, my Cecilia, what is that morrow to produce? +it joins me for ever to Mr Faulkland! the chosen of my heart, my first +love! the man who adores me; who deserves all my affection, who has +obliged me beyond all recompence. Who has a claim to my warmest +gratitude, to my esteem, to my whole heart. I save his life, I have the +power to make him happy; my brother, my kinsman urge me; my own heart +too prompts me. Why cannot I then reconcile myself to my lot? Oh that +question is answered by a fearful image that starts up to my fancy--I am +not superstitious, yet believe me, my dear, I am at this instant chilled +with horror. + +I am ashamed to confess my weakness, but I must call Patty to sit with +me the remainder of the night. I cannot think of rest! + + + _Wednesday Morning_ + +I have passed the whole night in endeavouring to fortify my mind against +the important event that a few hours will accomplish. If Mr Faulkland's +mind should again become tranquil, which my kinsman gave me room to hope +would be the consequence of gratifying the ardent wish of his soul, I +must take care not to disturb it by shewing any reluctance in yielding +him my hand. Had an Angel _once_ told me that I should give my hand +_reluctantly_ to Mr Faulkland, I would not have believed it; yet fatally +circumstanced as our marriage _now_ is, it cannot be otherwise. + +And yet I _ought_ to be his. I owe him a great sacrifice, and I am about +to pay it. I am dressed and ready. I wait for my kinsman or my brother, +one of whom, or both perhaps, will be here presently.... Mr Warner is +come; I have but just time to tell you that my brother and Mr Price are +with Mr Faulkland. My kinsman says he is quite a new man. They wait for +me, I go. Heaven guide my steps.... + + + _Thursday_ + +My fate is accomplished! What a change! Join with me, my dear Cecilia, +in beseeching heaven to look graciously down on me in my new state, and +to guide and protect my beloved Mr Faulkland, my ever destined husband. +Alas! my dear, he is now many miles separated from me. + +The worthy Mr Price performed the sacred ceremony. Mr Warner did the +office of a father. He and my brother were all who were present. + +There is something so amazing in all this, I can scarce credit my +senses; but my life has been a series of strange, strange events! + +I am so bewildered, I cannot connect my thoughts; but I will try to give +you my yesterday's _vision_, for I can hardly persuade myself that what +I recollect really happened. + +I broke off just as Mr Warner called on me, to carry me to the house of +my brother's friend. + +While we were in the coach, he told me, that having the night before +informed Mr Faulkland of the joyful news of my consenting to marry him +the next day, he seemed at first to doubt, and repeatedly conjured him +not to deceive him; 'till having received the most solemn assurances of +its being true, Mr Faulkland gave himself up to such ecstacies as made +them apprehensive his joy might have effects almost as fatal in their +consequences, as his despair was likely to produce before. + +Mr Warner had a mind to lower him a little, and thought, by putting him +in mind of his danger, somewhat to allay his transports. + +Mrs Arnold's consent to make you happy, said he, fills me with extreme +joy; but it is not now a time to indulge it: you are here in peril of +your life; you must preserve it now for Mrs Arnold's sake. For Mrs +Arnold's sake! he replied, with ecstasy, yes, yes, 'tis now worth +preserving. Mr Warner, Kinsman, Friend of my life, (grasping his hand) +dispose of me as you please; you shall guide all my steps. Will not Mrs +Arnold go with me after we are made one? + +If, after having considered what may be urged to you on that head, you +should still continue to desire it, replied my cousin, she will without +doubt accompany you. But, my dear Sir, consider, circumstanced as you +now are, what will the world say, should she accompany your flight? It +will fix an indelible stain on her character, which is dearer to her +than life, and which I am sure, upon cooler thoughts, you will prize at +an equal value. This marriage will be a profound secret to the world; it +may remain so as long as we please. I have business in Holland, which +will demand my presence there in a very short time. Her accompanying me +thither can give rise to no suspicion. I will dispatch my affairs with +all possible speed, and conduct her to you. + +The joy that before lighted up his countenance, pursued my cousin, +seemed a little clouded. He took a turn or two about the room, as if to +consider of what I had said; then, addressing himself jointly to your +brother and me, You are both cooler than I am; perhaps you may judge +better; let me but call her _mine_, I will then do as you would have me. +I cannot determine on anything now. + +As soon as my sister and you are married, said Sir George, I think, +Faulkland, you ought to get out of England with all the speed you can. +It will be but a short absence; Sidney will soon follow you. What do you +purpose doing in regard to your son? I had forgot him, cried Mr +Faulkland. Poor child! My heart has been in such tumults since Mr Warner +came in, that I could think of nothing but the blessed news he has +brought me. But I must not neglect my boy. I will write to the honest +servant that I left behind; he shall bring him over: you, my dear +Bidulph, will take care of him, 'till an opportunity offers of sending +him to me. + +I hope there will be no need, replied your brother, of sending him out +of England; your affairs may yet turn out so as to permit your return +into your own country.--Impossible! interrupted Mr Faulkland; if Smyth +should ever recover, _his_ representation of the other accident cuts off +every hope. He will not, for his own sake, confess the truth, but impute +the error of my fatal hand to premeditated guilt. Heaven knows, base as +she was, I would not have attempted her life; but I was born to be the +avenger of those crimes into the commission of which I, perhaps, first +led her. As for the contemptible villain who wronged me, I do not repent +of the punishment I inflicted on him; though probably, had I been +allowed a moment's time for recollection, I might have taken vengeance +in a manner more worthy of myself. + +I was delighted, proceeded Mr Warner, to find him so cool and rational +in his reflections. He continued talking calmly and reasonably on the +subject of his misfortunes; but on the mention of your name, started +again into transports; but they now seemed to be only those of joy, upon +the prospect of what was to happen the next day. + +After I left him, I went to Mr Price, who promised to be in readiness at +the appointed hour. + +We were now got to the house of my brother's friend. Mr Warner led me up +stairs into the room, where Sir George, Mr Faulkland, and Mr Price, were +sitting together. + +Mr Faulkland was so agitated at the sight of me, that having risen to +salute me, he was not able to speak; but seizing both my hands, he +kissed them fervently one after the other, tears dropping on them as he +held them to his lips. Every one was silent; we were all too much +affected to speak. My brother was the first that broke silence. Well, +Faulkland, said he, have we not kept our promise? + +Mr Faulkland turned towards him: Oh, Bidulph, forgive me for doubting; I +am afraid I have used you ill: Can you pardon the madness that I was +driven to by despair?--Mr Warner, Mrs Arnold, I believe you think me +distracted. Indeed I am not. I was only--(and he seemed to hesitate for +a word) weary of life.--I thought I had lost every thing.--The world was +grown a desart.--No one in it for me. + +You formed a wrong judgment, my dear Sir, answered Mr Warner; you find +yourself now with your sincere friends; Sir George and myself are both +so; and your bride, your dear Mrs Arnold, is ready to give you her hand. +I _am_, Sir, said I, and if your happiness still depends on me, it gives +me joy that I have at length the power of _bestowing_ it. + +I have no _words_, he replied, I can _find_ none, it is all _here_; and +he laid his hand on his heart, his eyes fixed with delight on my face. + +I beheld him now, my Cecilia, in a light in which I had never before +viewed him; overwhelmed by misfortunes, of which I accused myself as +being the author. I saw him an exile, likely to be deprived of a noble +fortune, his heart pierced with remorse for an involuntary crime. I saw +too that he loved me; loved me with a fervent and unconquerable passion. +Of this, in the anguish of his soul, at a time when he was wrought up to +phrenzy, he had given but too strong demonstration. Shall I own it to +you, my Cecilia, I think I never loved him as I did in that moment. + +My heart was at once assailed by a variety of passions; amongst which, +gratitude, and the softest compassion, were predominant. + +I continued silent, whilst Mr Faulkland remained ardently gazing at me. + +My brother, I believe, thought us too solemn; the occasion indeed +required it: but his fears for Mr Faulkland made him wish to give the +scene a livelier turn. + +Come, sister, said he, let us not defer the happy event for which we are +now met, we have no time to waste in ceremony. You remember what our +mother used to say, 'Many things fall out between the cup and the lip.' +My brother rose off his chair as he said this. Mr Warner taking the +hint, approached, and took me by the hand, Let _me_, said he, to Mr +Faulkland, have the happiness of bestowing this best of Creatures on the +man that I think _best_ deserves her. + +Mr Faulkland made no reply; but in taking the hand that my kinsman put +into his, his looks spoke the rapture that swelled his heart; though I +saw he put a constraint upon himself, and endeavoured to assume a +deportment suitable to the important and solemn occasion. + +After the indissoluble knot was tied, my brother desired Mr Faulkland to +retire with him into the next room for a few minutes. + +I concluded it was in order to press his departure, and to prevail on +him to submit to going without me. + +This I found afterwards was the subject of their conversation. + +They returned to us in about a quarter of an hour, Mr Faulkland's +countenance less embarrassed than it was at going out of the room. On +their entering, Mr Price took his leave. My brother addressed Mr Warner +and me. Faulkland, said he, is convinced of the necessity there is for +his immediately withdrawing from England, and he is determined to depart +from hence at three o'clock to-morrow morning; for I would by no means +have him leave London by day-light, as we know not who may be on the +watch to trace his steps. He has consented that you, sister, should +remain behind till Mr Warner's affairs will permit him to conduct you +over. In the mean time, Master Faulkland is to be brought from Ireland; +and if you should not be ready to depart before his arrival, you may +take him over with you to Holland. + +Mr Faulkland seemed rather to _suffer_ my brother to make this +explanation for him, than to assent chearfully to it. Mr Warner and I +however laid hold of it, and immediately entered into discourse on the +subject of our domestic concerns, and the measures proper to be observed +on so critical an occasion. + +Mr Faulkland joined in the conversation with the utmost composure; and +to my unspeakable joy, seemed perfectly settled and collected in his +mind. I thought indeed he appeared a little constrained, and that he +seemed to keep a constant guard over himself, lest he should betray any +symptom of a too much heated imagination: but my kinsman afterwards +observed with pleasure to me, that this denoted nothing more than a +consciousness in Mr Faulkland of the unhappy wandering that had before +so much alarmed us all; and into which he was sure there was not the +least danger of his relapsing, as his heart was now perfectly at ease. + +Mr Faulkland told us he had letters to write to Ireland, which he would +dispatch, that he might have nothing to interrupt the few short hours we +had to pass together in the evening. + +Mr Warner said he had business to do that called him away, but that he +would return after dinner: and my brother (that Mr Faulkland might be +quite undisturbed) proposed my going home with him, and that we should +come back together in the afternoon. + +Mr Faulkland did not object to this, and I went with Sir George. + +We returned early in the afternoon to Mr Faulkland. As my brother had +let his friend into our secret, we passed up stairs without any notice +being taken of us. + +Mr Faulkland had writ two letters; one of them very long, to Mr Bond, +which he gave my brother to read, but I know not the contents of it. The +other was to that careful honest servant whom he had mentioned to us, +with orders to bring over Master Faulkland with all convenient speed, +and put him into Sir George's hand. + +Mr Warner but just called in upon us in the evening, he said he had been +making the necessary preparations for Mr Faulkland's journey; and that +having resolved himself to attend him as far as Harwich, he would, at +the hour appointed call on him in a coach, which should carry them a few +miles out of town, where the horses were to wait for them. + +Worthy, compassionate, and generous kinsman, how I love you for the +honest warmth of your heart! + +My brother and Mr Faulkland had a great deal of discourse about the +necessary measures that were to be taken by us all; and we passed the +evening in a kind of chastened satisfaction, which could not arise to +happiness from the near prospect we had of parting. + +About ten o'clock my brother took an affectionate leave of his friend, +he excused himself from accompanying him on his journey, on account of +Lady Sarah's not being well. + +To see _such_ a parting, would at another time have deeply affected me, +but my own hour of separation drew near. It came, and Mr Warner punctual +to his time, hurried Mr Faulkland almost by force into the coach, and +drove off with him. + +I threw myself into a chair which he had ordered for me, and was carried +home. I went not to bed; but had recourse to my pen. God preserve my +dear fugitive; I can do nothing but weep. + + + _July 2_ + +My mind was too much unsettled yesterday to dictate any thing coherent. +I am now, thank heaven, more composed. Sir George and Lady Sarah have +been with me during the greatest part of the day; both kind and +consoling. My brother seems to have all his former affection for me +revived in his heart; he is indeed charmed with my justice, as he calls +it. Lady Sarah, who at the bottom of her heart is no way concerned about +this event, affects however to think as her husband does, and commends +me for my generosity. + +I feel myself easier in proportion as I think Mr Faulkland gets farther +out of the reach of danger. Sir George says by this time he may be on +his voyage. + +I shall certainly wait till the child arrives, in order to take him +with me. My two little girls will be fond of such a brother, for he is +a charming boy. + +My brother flatters me with a possibility at least of Major Smyth's +recovering; and if so, he says that Mr Faulkland may stand his trial for +the other accident, as he is in hopes Smyth will not persist in his +villainy so far as to add perjury to his other crimes. + +I have but little expectations of justice from so bad a man, but I would +not discourage my friends in their endeavours to comfort me. + + + _July 3_ + +Mr Warner is returned from Harwich, after having seen Mr Faulkland safe +on board the packet, and even under sail for Holland. + +What a benevolent heart has this good relation of mine! Indeed I dearly +love and respect him. His return has revived my spirits, and I begin to +lose my fears. He brought me a short letter from Mr Faulkland; short it +is, but his heart speaks in every syllable of it. I will not give you +the contents, my Cecilia, you will think it too extravagant, too +romantic, for a husband to write so to his wife. + + + _July 6_ + +I long, yet dread to hear accounts from Ireland. I fear that wretched +Smyth is dead. No mail has arrived from thence these eight days. +Contrary winds they tell me detain the packets on the other side very +often for a fortnight together. If that be so, how fortunate was Mr +Faulkland in seizing on a lucky hour for his departure from the Irish +shore. + +I suppose Mr Bond's family, whom he must have rendered very unhappy, +particularly the daughter, are all now his implacable enemies; and are +tormenting themselves in being detained from the pursuit of their +vengeance. But let them come now when they will, he is far out of the +reach of his foes. + +I would it were possible for my Cecilia, to arrive in England before my +departure for Holland. Indeed, my dear, I shall not be sorry if I am +detained from Mr Faulkland, till I have the happiness of first embracing +you, as our separation may be afterwards of a long continuance. I shall +wait for the arrival of Master Faulkland, and who knows what adverse +winds may detain him till your return. O! that I may pass though it be +but one day, with the dear companion of my youth before we are again +divided! + +I will not send this packet off, till I am ready to depart from +England, as that will be closing an important period of my life. What +would I give that my dearest friend would come, and instead of this +tedious narrative which I have written, receive the account from my own +lips! If my wishes should not be granted in this, cannot you make +Holland your way home? Mr Faulkland purposes staying at the Hague till I +go to him. + + + _July 9_ + +Cecilia! have I been a murmurer at the decrees of providence? have I +been an impious repiner when heaven has poured down its wrath upon my +head? if not, why am I marked out for divine vengeance? before I lose my +senses, or my life, for both I cannot retain, hear the last act of your +friend's tragic story. + +My brother called on me this day; he gave me a letter directed to Mr +Faulkland, which came under a cover to him. Read it, said he, it is from +Ireland, and may contain something material for us to know. + +It was from the honest servant Mr Faulkland left behind him. See what he +says, and then tell me if I ought to live any longer. + + 'Honoured Sir, + + 'I have the happiness to send you a piece of good news, which made + me wish for wings to have flown over to you with it. + + 'My lady, Heaven be praised, is not dead, nor so much as hurt. I + am thankful for this, Sir, on your account, not her's. + + 'I don't know what possessed the people at Mr Bond's, to tell me + she was dead; the mistake, to be sure, was occasioned by the great + confusion the family were thrown into, and indeed, from what I + myself saw, I was sure she was actually dead. + + 'Major Smyth lived 'till the surgeon came; but had been speechless + for two or three hours, and died whilst his wound was probing. + + 'My lady had only fallen into a fit, and the major having bled + prodigiously, she received a great deal of his blood upon her + linen, and as he afterwards contrived to throw himself on the bed, + which was at some distance from the place where she had fallen, it + gave occasion to Mrs Bond (who was herself the first person that + entered the room, after the sad accident) on finding my lady lying + senseless, pale, and bloody, on the floor, to suppose she had been + killed. + + 'This alarm ran through the family, and was confirmed to me by + every one in it, as we servants soon quitted the chamber; and the + major himself said, that you had discharged one of the pistols at + your lady, and the other at him. + + 'I returned to Mr Bond's in the morning, after you were gone off, + to enquire whether Major Smyth was alive or not; he was just then + dead. + + 'The waiting-maid informed me, that my lady, to their great + surprize, was recovered, having only been in a fainting fit, which + held her above an hour, without her shewing any signs of life; and + that she had fallen from one to another 'till morning: and she + farther said (begging your honour's pardon) it would be no great + matter if she had died in one; for she believed it was for no good + she went into the major's room at that time of the night. + + 'I staid about the house all the day to pick up what intelligence + I could from the servants. Young Mr Bond, with two or three men, + went to your house, and not finding you there, I suppose, rode in + pursuit of you; but, Heaven be praised, you have escaped their + hands. + + 'The waiting-maid, who is a very civil young woman, told me, in + the evening, that my lady, being come a little to herself (though + I believe not in her right mind) was informed of the major's + death; at which she was so exceedingly terrified, that finding + herself ill besides, she confessed the whole truth of the matter, + and proved, that the major died with a lie in his mouth: so that I + hope Mr Bond's family will not be so spiteful as to prosecute the + affair any farther. + + 'My lady was sent home directly in the chariot, as they could not + bear the sight of her any longer in the house. She takes on + mightily; but we all bless ourselves, that she is alive. + + 'I shall make bold to inclose this, according to your order, to + Sir George Bidulph; and as soon as I receive your commands about + Master, shall make no delay in this unlucky place. I am. + + 'Honoured Sir, + 'Your dutiful and obedient servant, + 'FREDERICK HILDY.' + + + _June 26_ + +Adieu, my Cecilia, adieu; nothing but my death should close such a scene +as this. + +Here, to the editor's great disappointment, Mrs Arnold's interesting +story broke off; that unhappy lady not having continued her journal any +farther. + +But as this seemed to be one of the most affecting periods of her life, +his curiosity induced him to enquire of the gentleman from whom he +received those papers whether he could give him any farther light into +her story; as he thought it not improbable that he might have learned, +from his mother, some other particulars relating to her. + +His friend told him, that he knew his mother had drawn up a narrative of +the subsequent remarkable events in the life of Mrs Arnold, at the +request of a particular friend; that he had once heard it read; but, as +he was then a boy, it made but little impression upon him; that +afterwards, when he wanted to have his curiosity gratified, his mother +told him, she could not find the manuscript, and feared it was lost. +However, he said, he would search her papers and, if he recovered it, it +should be at his service. + +After some time, the gentleman informed the editor, that he had made the +strictest scrutiny into his mother's papers, and could find nothing +relative to the subject of Mrs Arnold, excepting a few loose sheets, +which seemed to have been the foul copy of the beginning of her +narrative; and, at the same time, put them into his hands. + +These the editor offers to the publick, as he received them, without any +alteration or addition. + + + + + CECILIA'S NARRATIVE, &c. + + BEING A SUPPLEMENT TO MRS ARNOLD'S JOURNAL + + +I set out on my return to England, immediately after the receipt of her +last journal, the melancholy close of which had exceedingly terrified +and afflicted me. + +Immediately on my arrival in London, I flew to the dear friend of my +heart; she was still at her house, in Pall-mall. + +I found the dear Sidney alone, in her bed-chamber. She had been prepared +to receive me; but though I had endeavoured to arm myself with +resolution for this affecting interview, I was not mistress of myself at +the sight of her. + +The tears I shed did not spring from that sweet emotion, which long +severed friends feel at seeing each other again; I wept in sorrow for +the heavy misfortunes of the best of women. + +But Mrs Arnold, still herself, and superior to adversity, received me +with the tenderest marks of friendship, and with a composure that amazed +me. + +Piety, meekness, and patience, were ever Mrs Arnold's characteristics; +and they now all appeared blended, and so strongly impressed on her +beautiful face, that I could not look at her without admiration. + +As I was astonished to find her so calm under so trying an affliction, I +could not help expressing myself to that purpose; but Mrs Arnold checked +me, with this reply: 'I have been set up as a mark, my Cecilia; let me +fulfil the intention of my Maker, by shewing a perfect resignation to +His will. I hope, my task is almost finished, and that he will soon +permit me to return to the dust from which I came.' + +Frederick Hildy had arrived from Ireland above a fortnight before, with +Master Faulkland, a beautiful child of about five years old. They were +both lodged in Mrs Arnold's house. + +She told me, that Sir George Bidulph and Mr Warner had set out together +for Holland, immediately after the receipt of the letter, which informed +them of Mrs Faulkland's being alive. + +My brother, said Mrs Arnold, thought it necessary himself to be the +bearer of news so fatal in its import to his friend. He hoped besides he +should be able to return and stand his trial for having killed Major +Smyth, as there is no doubt of his being acquitted; all Mr Bond's family +being now convinced, from Mrs Faulkland's own confession, that there was +nothing premeditated in this fatal event, and that what Mr Faulkland +did, was in defence of his own life. + +I have writ, continued she, to Mr Faulkland, to endeavour to console him +under our mutual misfortune. + +At my request, she shewed me a copy, of this letter; wherein she assured +him, she would take the tenderest care of his son, 'till the child could +be delivered safe into his hands; and conjured him, for that child's +sake, to be careful of his own interest and preservation; adding, that +as their ill fated marriage was an absolute secret to every one but the +persons immediately concerned, she hoped he would not suffer the +thoughts of it to break in upon his future quiet; and concluded with +beseeching him to forget her, as they were never more to meet. + +This was the substance of what she wrote. There were no murmurings at +her fate, no womanish complainings, mixed with the tender, yet noble +sentiments of her heart. She endeavoured to conceal her own anguish +under the mask of contentment, that Mr Faulkland might the better +support this final destruction of all his hopes. + +I asked her, whether she had heard since from Mr Faulkland? She told me +she had as yet received no answer from him to this letter, but that she +had heard severally from Sir George and Mr Warner, who both informed +her, that Mr Faulkland, after his first transports of surprize and grief +were over, at receiving this new and unexpected blow, had grown more +calm, and seemed inclined to return with them to England. Sir George +added, in the last letter she had from him, that they only waited 'till +Mr Warner had accomplished the business that he had to do in Holland, +and hoped, before a fortnight was at an end, to return home, and to have +the pleasure of conducting Mr Faulkland back. + +It is ten days, continued Mrs Arnold, since I received this account, and +I flatter myself, that they may now be on their journey homeward. + +Mrs Arnold said, that she waited but for Sir George's return, in order +to deliver Master Faulkland into his hands, and that she then meant to +retire into the country, with her two children, and Patty, the faithful +companion and partner of her grief. + +Lady Sarah Bidulph, who would gladly have gone with Sir George to +Holland, had been persuaded by him to stay behind, in order to bear his +sister company in her affliction; and Mrs Arnold said, she had dedicated +much of her time to that friendly purpose. + +Her Ladyship came to pay her a visit whilst I was there. I had never +seen Lady Sarah before; and we were introduced to each other. + +I took my leave of Mrs Arnold, and promised to see her again the next +day. + +In the morning, as I was preparing to go to her, I received a note from +Lady Sarah Bidulph, earnestly requesting the favour of seeing me, at her +house, in St James's Square, before I went to Mrs Arnold. + +I obeyed this unexpected summons, and immediately waited on her. + +I took the liberty, Madam, said she, of desiring to see you here this +morning, at Sir George's request: he arrived late last night, and brings +most melancholy news from Holland. + +Sir George entered the room while she spoke. After the first greeting of +friends long parted were over, I am afraid to ask, Sir George, said I, +yet am impatient to learn something of Mr Faulkland, your lady has +terribly alarmed me; Mr Faulkland is not returned; I dare not enquire +the reason. Tears instantly sprung into Sir George's eyes. He returns no +more, said he, his remains are soon to be conveyed to England to be laid +with his ancestors. + +Ah, Sir, cried I, what will poor Mrs Arnold say to this fresh +misfortune? + +It was on that account Madam, he replied, that we are now requested to +speak with you, before you saw my sister. You, who are her bosom friend, +can more tenderly disclose this melancholy event than any one. I have +not the courage to see her. We must beg of you, dear Madam, to prepare +the unhappy Sidney for the news. + +I asked him the manner of Mr Faulkland's death. I cannot positively say, +answered Sir George, but much I fear he precipitated his own fate. + +Mr Warner, or I, constantly staid with him from the time we disclosed +the fatal account we brought concerning Mrs Faulkland. Knowing as we did +the violence of his temper, we were apprehensive of sudden and dreadful +consequences; but he deceived us both; for after the first starts of +passion were over, which though they shocked, did not alarm us, as we +expected them, he assumed a calm resignation to his fate; and talked +with such a rational composure of the strange circumstances of this +incident, that we began to entertain hopes, that the efforts of his +reason, joined to our constant endeavours to sooth and console him, +would in time so far succeed, and though we never expected to see him +restored to a tranquil state of mind, we yet flattered ourselves he +would submit to life upon such terms as Providence thought fit to impose +on him. + +I was with him, proceeded Sir George, when he received a letter from my +sister. His hands shook so on perceiving by the superscription that it +came from her, that he let the letter drop. Read it for me, Bidulph, +said he, and tell me how it fares with Mrs Arnold. + +I instantly complied with his request. I found by the date of the letter +that it had been delayed much longer than it ought to have been, which I +immediately observed to him, as he had often expressed his uneasiness at +not hearing from my sister. + +Mrs Arnold is well, said I, giving him the letter; read what it says, +and let her teach you fortitude. + +He withdrew to a window to peruse it. After he had read it, I admire +your sister's stoicism, said he, stepping back to his chair. This is +true philosophy, laying his finger on the letter which he still held in +his hand. _Her_ heroic soul is still unmoved, and above the reach of +adversity. Happy Mrs Arnold--What a vain fool was I to think that such a +mind as _hers_ could be subdued. He paused and seemed for a while buried +in thought. Then putting the letter up in his pocket, he began to +discourse on some other topic. + +We passed the evening together, continued Sir George, and though +Faulkland was far from being chearful, I thought he appeared more +tranquil than he had done since my arrival. + +I talked to him of his returning to England with me. He said with a +smile, I think I ought to go if it were for no other reason but that I +may have my dust mingled with that of my forefathers; and this office, +Bidulph, I expect from you, if you should outlive me. + +I laughed at him, and said I thought he had a much more material reason +that pressed his return. + +Your estate, said I, is unsettled; and if you were to die abroad in the +predicament in which you now stand, what is to become of your son? + +I have already done for my son, said he, all that I thought in justice +was in my power to do: I have long ago settled my personal fortune on +him, that in case my next heirs should on account of the illegitimacy of +his birth, claim the family estate, he may have a handsome support +without it. + +And indeed I never wished to debar my lawful heirs in favour of this +child; though I love him tenderly, and they are worthless people, whom I +despise, and with whom I never had any intercourse. + +I replied, if that were so, as the manner of the child's birth was a +secret, I wished he might, undisturbed, inherit his father's fortune, +when he should come to pay the last debt to nature. + +He answered, where such a vast property was at stake, there would not be +people wanting whose interest would engage them to discover the secret; +and he doubted not but the irregularity of his wife's conduct, had +already occasioned enquiries to be made. + +Supposing, said I, you had had another son by Mrs Faulkland since your +marriage--as you could have no objection to the bequeathing your fortune +to him, would it not have appeared strange in the eyes of the world that +you should disinherit your eldest son. + +It might have appeared so, said he, but I certainly should have done it: +and for that reason, as I have no child but him, I have made such a +disposition of my fortune as I now tell you. If I live, I may increase +my son's patrimony; if not, he must be contented with that which I have +bequeathed to him, and let my kindred scramble for the rest. + +We staid together till it was late; he discoursed on a variety of +subjects, but mentioned not my sister's name during the whole time. + +I thought I left him well, and his mind tolerably composed. We were to +set out on our return in six days; but an account was brought to me in +the morning, that Mr Faulkland was found dead in his bed. + +There were no symptoms discovered on the body that could let us into the +occasion of his death; but as my own fears suggested too much, I chose +not to be particular in my enquiries. Wishing rather that his fatal +story should be buried in silence. + +Mr Warner found that his affairs were likely to delay him longer than +the time proposed; and as I had nothing farther to detain me in Holland, +I set out the day after my unfortunate friend's death, leaving to Mr +Warner, the care of conveying his remains to England, agreeably to the +desire he had expressed, which I now considered as his last injunction +laid on me. + +Thus, proceeded Sir George, by a series of fatal events, each of which +was occasioned by motives in themselves laudable, has one of the bravest +and most noble-minded men on earth been cut off in the prime of his +youth--O! Faulkland, why did you suffer that gallant spirit to be +vanquished?-- + +Sir George's emotion stopped his farther speech, I was too much affected +to say any thing to him, but took a hasty leave of Lady Sarah, in order +to go to Mrs Arnold. + +As soon as I entered my friend's room Cecilia, said she, if your +countenance be as faithful an interpreter of your mind as it used to be, +you have some thing disastrous to relate; you may say anything, +misfortune and I have been so familiar, I shall not shrink as its +approach. + +Sir George is returned, I replied, you will see him to-day. + +Is he come alone, she asked? Alone, I replied. You but repeat my words, +Cecilia, without adding any thing from yourself. Shall I interpret the +meaning of that mournful echo? Mr Faulkland no longer lives! + +I was silent--Oh I knew him too well, said she, raising her voice with +energy, to think he would survive this last blow. + +His death was natural, said I, for any thing that appears to the +contrary. God be praised for that, cried Mrs Arnold! _If_ so, I am +satisfied that he is at peace. + +She then enquired after Mr Warner, and her brother, without making any +farther mention of Mr Faulkland. + +Whilst we were in discourse, Master Faulkland ran into the room. He had +been at play with the two little Miss Arnolds, who were in pursuit of +him, And he flew to Mrs Arnold to hide him. She folded him tenderly in +her arms; then turning to me, Look at this boy, said she, he is the +perfect image of his father. + +When am I to go to my papa, cried the child, as he hung round her neck? +This innocent unexpected demand quite vanquished Mrs Arnold's fortitude. +She set him down without being able to answer his question, then said, +Excuse me, my Cecilia, I would wish to be alone for to-day. It was not +yet a season to administer consolation, and I withdrew. + +She staid in London but two days after this; when, as she had before +resolved, she retired to an estate in Buckinghamshire, which her kinsman +had purchased and settled on her for ever. + +With her brother's consent, she took Master Faulkland with her, and +prevailed on Mr Price to accompany her into the country, to whom she +committed the care of the child's education. + +Mr Warner, whom she had acquainted by letter with her intention, +approved of the step she had taken. He returned to England in about +three weeks after her departure from her house in town, which she had +left for his reception just as he had fitted it up for her. + +Before I accompany Mrs Arnold into her solitude, I shall just briefly +mention some other persons who were connected with her story. + +The relations of Mr Faulkland, as he had foreseen, claimed his estate, +and at length obtained it, the illegitimacy of the child being proved. + +The wretched Mrs Faulkland, abandoned and despised, returned to England; +but as she was there hated and shunned by every one, she remained in +obscurity for a few years, and then died unpitied and unlamented. + +I now return to Mrs Arnold, who, settled in her quiet retreat in the +country, it might be hoped would have passed the remainder of her days +undisturbed by any new calamity. + +That only source of true heroism of soul, religion, had all along +supported, and prevented her from sinking under the most trying +afflictions. Many and bitter were the sufferings she had already +endured; but she was, to use her own words, _Set up as a mark_; and the +deep afflictions that still pursued her, and clouded even her latter +days with misfortunes, may serve to shew that it is not _here_ that true +virtue is to look for its reward. I saw her at a time when this +reflection, as it had been her chief, so was it her last and only +consolation. + +Possessed as she was of an admirable understanding, and an enlarged +mind, in the deepest solitude she had always resources of entertainment +within herself. Her natural disposition ever sweet and complying, was +improved by her sufferings into a patience very rare in woman; and a +resignation imbibed at first from a rigid education, was heightened by +religion into an almost saint-like meekness and humility. + +I shall pass over the first ten years of her retirement, in which +nothing material happened but the marriage of the amiable Patty Main to +a gentleman of a large estate, and the death of her worthy kinsman Mr +Warner, who bequeathed her his whole fortune. + +Miss Arnold, her eldest daughter, was now something more than fifteen, +and fulfilled the promise her childhood gave, of her being a perfect +beauty, Miss Cecilia was about a year younger, and though not so +handsome as her sister, was accounted one of the finest young ladies of +her time. + +With what delight have I seen this excellent mother, while these two +charming young creatures were all attention, relate to them the +extraordinary and affecting incidents of her life. + +This, said she, I do, not as a murmurer at my fate, nor to move your +pity at my misfortunes, but to teach you by my example, that there is no +situation in life exempt from trouble. It found _me_ under the tender +care of the best of parents, it pursued me into my husband's house. In +my virgin state, when I was a wife, and in my widowhood, I was equally +persecuted. + +Poverty, I once thought, would have exempted me from every ill, but what +its own hand inflicted; and had it remained my companion, the bitterest +misfortune of my love would have been prevented; for, if wealth had not +accompanied my hand, the world could not have persuaded me to yield it +to Mr Faulkland. + +Do not therefore pride yourselves on the great fortunes you are likely +to possess: I have received no other satisfaction in mine, than what +arose from the benefits I have conferred on others. + +By such lessons as these, did this tender parent endeavour to fortify +their young minds against the vicissitudes of fortune, and to teach them +not to place their confidence in riches. + +She dwelt so often upon this theme, that she seemed to have a +presentiment of those evils, which were now ready to pour in like a +torrent upon her. + +Gracious Heaven! how inscrutable are thy ways! Her affluent fortune, the +very circumstance which seemed to promise her, in the eve of life, some +compensation for the miseries she had endured in her early days, now +proved the source of new and dreadful calamities to her, which, by +involving the unhappy daughters of an unhappy mother in scenes of the +most exquisite distress, cut off from her even the last resource of hope +in this life, and rendered the close of her history still more.... + + * * * * * + +Here the lady's narrative breaks off, and the editor, not having it in +his power, after the most diligent enquiry, to recover any more of the +manuscript, is, to his great mortification, compelled to offer this +fragment. + + + _The END of the_ THIRD VOLUME. + + + + +Transcriber's Notes + +Spelling varies and is, generally, retained. However, there were a +number of errors which involved transposition of characters, as well as +missing or redundant characters which were most likely made by the +printer. These have been checked against a contemporary edition, and +corrected where necessary. The phrase 'to bed' is frequently, though +not always, hyphenated as 'to-bed'. + +Proper names are frequently elided with a dash, of varying lengths. All +have been rendered as '----' (e.g. V----'s). + + + p. 4 which [in/it] inculcates Corrected. + + p. 22 since you went abroad[,/.] Corrected. + + p. 25 a[im/mi]able of men Transposition corrected. + + p. 30 things _are_ b[r]ought Removed. + + p. 37 You[r] unknown friend Added. + + p. 41 [t/T]hat for his part Corrected. + + p. 54 Bi[d]dulph Removed. + + p. 56 (begging their pardons[)./,)] Corrected. + + p. 77 unluck[l]y Removed. + + p. 86 likewise[s] Removed. + + p. 96 the death of her hu[bs/sb]and Transposition corrected. + + p. 118 conn[n]ections Removed. + + p. 120 to dine wi[ht/th] Transposition corrected. + + p. 124 I will swear your hu[bs/sb]and Transposition corrected. + + p. 127 requ[i]ring Added. + + p. 134 r[e]gret Added. + h[i]mself Added. + + p. 136 [i]n her eyes Added. + + p. 148 w[i]th sorrow and remorse Added. + + p. 154 [']Now, as Faulkland Added opening quote. + + p. 165 Our route was settled[;]: Removed. + I told her[e] Removed. + + p. 176 dis[t]interested Removed. + + p. 180 threatened me with death[./,] I + should have Corrected. + + p. 181 sailing w[ti/it]h an imperial port Transposition corrected. + + p. 183 qui[et/te] against my inclination Transposition corrected. + + p. 192 determ[in]ed Added. + + p. 200 poss[s]ession Removed. + + p. 203 physic[i]an Added. + + p. 209 li[t]tle gleam of pleasure Added. + + p. 214 be[ ]sure Missing space added. + compassion[a]te Added. + + p. 219 intreaties[s] Removed. + seemed to app[r]ove Added. + + p. 228 drank a dish of coffee, but [eat] + nothing _sic._ + in our power.['] Added missing quote. + + p. 234 you and your hu[bs/sb]and Transposition corrected. + + p. 237 th[a]t looked like a slight Added. + + p. 238 mort[g]age Added. + affir[m]ative Added. + + p. 239 pass[i]onately Added. + + p. 240 thought _pretended_ illness[);/,)] Corrected. + + p. 254 satisfact[i]on Added. + + p. 258 oc[c]asion Added. + + p. 269 ladysh[i]p Added. + + p. 271 conversat[i]on Added. + + p. 283 should lady Bidulp[o]h Removed. + + p. 289 f[ma/am]ily Transposition corrected. + + p. 290 possib[i]lity Added. + + p. 293 ass[u/i]duity Corrected. + + p. 295 [']You have now Added opening quote. + + p. 303 [ow/wo]men Transposition corrected. + + p. 307 wor[l]dly attachments Added. + + p. 315 [']A just reparation Added opening quote. + + p. 324 depart[a]ure Removed. + + p. 326 behav[i]our Added. + + p. 339 I had them both brought [it/in] Corrected. + + p. 344 pr[ia/ai]se Transposition corrected. + + p. 365 circumsta[cn/nc]es Transposition corrected. + + p. 378 man[n] Removed. + + p. 385 some[ht/th]ing Transposition corrected. + + p. 388 to [live/leave] my children greatly + provided for Corrected. + + p. 391 exc[e]pted Added. + + p. 393 three or four [M/m]onths Corrected. + + p. 411 When [h/w]e arrived in London Corrected. + I am of your mind, replied your + brother[?/;] Corrected. + + p. 415 despa[i]r Added. + + p. 425 I dare not[,] enquire Removed. + + p. 426 stoi[s]cism Corrected. + + p. 429 committ[e]d Added. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Memoirs of Miss Sidney Biddulph, by +Frances Sheridan + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43437 *** |