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@@ -1,37 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, -June 1, 1895, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, June 1, 1895 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: April 8, 2013 [EBook #42485] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JUNE 1, 1895 *** - - - - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42485 *** PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. @@ -539,10 +506,10 @@ clears the Prince of WALES'S elbow by a few inches, and startles musical enthusiast who, seated at corner of third row of stalls, is at that moment wrapped up in the opera, and thus protected against most external dangers. A thrill went through the house! is it a "B-o-m-b" -bomb? BEVIGNANI, pausing, _baton_ in air, gives the horrorstruck +bomb? BEVIGNANI, pausing, _bâton_ in air, gives the horrorstruck singers and concealed orchestra (to whom pause is inexplicable) a few notes rest. Then corner (stall) man picks up lorgnette case, -fortunately empty; whereupon the Bold BEVIGNANI'S _baton_ is once more +fortunately empty; whereupon the Bold BEVIGNANI'S _bâton_ is once more in motion, and everyone is "as they were." ARIMONDI and PINI-CORSI earn a big encore for duet and dance. Mr. DAVID BISPHAM with Madame AMADI, as _Milor'_ and _Miladi_, speaking English and queer Italian, @@ -565,16 +532,16 @@ Signor DE LUCIA an amiable _Fenton_, "with a song." _Friday._--House not absolutely crowded to hear _Carmen_. Is _Carmen_ a bit "off"? Yet nothing better than performance of ZELIE DE LUSSAN -as gay and wicked heroine. Little _Don Jose de Lucia_ first-rate, and -ANCONA winning encore for old friend _Toreador_. MARIE ENGLE +as gay and wicked heroine. Little _Don José de Lucia_ first-rate, and +ANCONA winning encore for old friend _Toréador_. MARIE ENGLE excellent goody-goody contrast to bold, bad _Carmen_. Police-constable -BEVIGNANI, _baton_ in hand, severe when on the beat. In honour of +BEVIGNANI, _bâton_ in hand, severe when on the beat. In honour of QUEEN'S Birthday, Sir DRURIOLANUS troupe-ing _Il Trovatore's_ operatic colours at Windsor Castle. It ought to have been, appropriately, _Falstaff_. _Saturday._--_Faust._ "House full." _The_ Princess and Princesses -present. MELBA'S "Jewel song" a gem. M. PLANCON, whose name, Britishly +present. MELBA'S "Jewel song" a gem. M. PLANÇON, whose name, Britishly pronounced, suggests "Mr. PLAIN-SONG," rather ecclesiastical than diabolical, a highly-coloured but generally effective _Mephistopheles_. Mdlle. BRAZZI appears to-night as "the new woman" @@ -611,7 +578,7 @@ verse at sight. _Int._ M. ZOLA has also only recently discovered us. How do your novelists find the necessary models for their English types? -_D. F._ Nothing simpler. Tradition, _voila tout_. The Englishwoman, +_D. F._ Nothing simpler. Tradition, _voilà tout_. The Englishwoman, with her large feet, projecting teeth, and execrable French--we know her because we have always known her. It is not necessary to have seen her in the flesh. Indeed, it is only a marvel to me that I find the @@ -664,7 +631,7 @@ a flood of light upon our idiosyncrasies. _D. F._ I should like a few more days in which to complete my study, and verify my anticipations, of your interesting city. Meanwhile, let -me refer you to M. GABRIEL MOUREY'S new work--_Passe le Detroit_. The +me refer you to M. GABRIEL MOUREY'S new work--_Passé le Détroit_. The Ulysses of our century, he has gained a wide knowledge of your race, having been a fearless traveller in _L'Underground_, and seen some of your most typical fogs. You may learn much from him. He is read @@ -1392,359 +1359,4 @@ and the occasional French word. All have been retained; it's Punch! End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, June 1, 1895, by Various -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JUNE 1, 1895 *** - -***** This file should be named 42485.txt or 42485.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/4/8/42485/ - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, June 1, 1895 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: April 8, 2013 [EBook #42485] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JUNE 1, 1895 *** - - - - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - -VOL. 108. JUNE 1, 1895. - -_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ - - - - -"LONDON AND LIVERPOOL--LITTLE AND GOOD." - -It appears that the very excellent proposal of amalgamating all -the local branches of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to -Children in one national association is meeting with some opposition -in Liverpool. Says the _Courier_ of that important locality, "It was -Liverpool which educated London in the matter of child-protection, and -probably the Londoners could still learn in Liverpool many practical -lessons. And just when Liverpool is about to be trebled in extent, -and have its population largely increased, seems a singularly -inappropriate time to subordinate the city to London." From this -it would appear that Liverpool in its growth is becoming, to use a -colloquialism, "too big for its boots." Surely the benefit of the -children should be the first consideration. What the size of either -Liverpool or London has to do with that matter, it is difficult -to say. No doubt Londoners could learn much from their Liverpool -brothers. But the lesson for the moment is to discover how to best -protect the little ones. And that subject can only be mastered by a -display of goodwill and unselfishness on both sides. - - * * * * * - -SIR JOHN FRANKLIN. - - [May 20, 1895: Fiftieth Anniversary of the Day when the - Franklin Expedition set Sail.] - - The North returned thee not to British earth. - Whence on that splendid quest thou didst go forth; - But when our British hearts, in sordid dearth - Of pride, forget thy valour and thy worth, - Those hearts must be yet colder than the North. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: TURF CUTTINGS. - -"Taken and Off" - -"Getting on" at 6 to 4.] - - * * * * * - -A BAS "THE CLUB SWEEP." - -DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Although you are a humorist, there is a serious side -to your character. I want to appeal to that serious side. I wish to -complain of the prevalence in all our West-End Co-operative Palaces of -that annual pest, appropriately called "the Club Sweep." Why should it -be allowed to prosper? It is a disgrace to civilisation. I know of -no more painful sight than the picture of old CR[OE]SUS paying the -hall-porter to put him down for a dozen places. I am delighted when -those twelve positions end in blanks, or starters out of the running. -And nearly as unpleasant an incident is the tableau of young JONES -taking a pound chance at the same fatal lottery. Put it down, _Mr. -Punch_; put it down. I repeat, "the Club Sweep" is unworthy of the -civilisation of the close of the nineteenth century. Once more, Sir, -put it down. - - Yours, most truly, - - AN OLD MEMBER OF THE HERCULES CLUB. - -P.S.--I am sure the thing is a mistake. Will you believe it, I have -put into my own sweep for the last thirty-five years, and have never -drawn a starter! Same luck this season! - - * * * * * - -From the New Sarum Note-Book. - - [Lord SALISBURY "believes the SULTAN to be a humane - man."--_Speech at Bradford._] - -LORD SALISBURY believes-- - -That RICHARD THE THIRD was a remarkably amiable man; especially kind -to children. - -That NERO was the gentlest creature that ever breathed, except -CALIGULA. - -That HENRY THE EIGHTH was a gentle, unassuming person; most religious -and domesticated; in fact, a model husband, and the sort of man that -"wouldn't harm a biby." - - * * * * * - -ROUNDABOUT READINGS. - -The Hon. GEORGE CURZON and Miss LEITER (U.S.A.) have been married. -The State of Illinois is indignant. The two facts are more intimately -connected than might be supposed. Four days after the wedding a -resolution was introduced into the State Legislature of Illinois by a -Mr. MCCARTHY, requesting the daughters of Illinois "not to accept -the hand in marriage of any person who is not a citizen of the United -States, as we are of opinion that the daughters of Illinois should -be patriotic in their views, and should disregard the title of any -foreigner, and marry none but a citizen of the United States." It is -stated that the resolution "was referred to the Committee on Federal -Relations." Surely a Committee on domestic relations or on titled -relations would have been more appropriate. - - * * * * * - -The Illinois State Legislature obviously has novel ideas of its -legislative duties. Imagine an English County Council treating -seriously such fantastic rubbish as Mr. MCCARTHY brought before the -law-makers of his State. Would it not be more to the point to look -after the sons of Illinois, and to keep the hue of their resolution up -to the mark? If they are laggards in love, who shall blame the British -aristocrat for wooing with success the daughters of Illinois, -whom their compatriot suitors abandon? Or again, if titles are so -irresistible an attraction to the fair, why not establish titles in -Illinois, and thus give the Earl of BANGS or the Marquis SALTONTALE -that seductive influence which is apparently lacking to plain ZEDEKIAH -B. BANGS, and to the unadorned JONATHAN K. SALTONTALE. For it is -obviously better that the daughters of Illinois should marry than -that they should waste away with an unbridaled (let the spelling pass) -desire for a title. - - * * * * * - -At Oxford on Wednesday last the University beat Somerset by one -wicket, mainly owing to the admirable batting of Mr. H. D. G. LEVESON -GOWER, popularly known as "The Shrimp." - - To the batsmen of Oxford, who looked very limp, - Father Neptune was kind when he gave them a Shrimp: - For a Shrimp on the grass is most worthy of rhyme, - When he makes a firm stand, but gets runs all the time. - - * * * * * - -The inhabitants of Christmas Street in Bristol want to have their -thoroughfare laid with wood paving. At present, according to an -indignant correspondent, "the pitching in the street is so bad that it -is positively dangerous for vehicular traffic ... but the risk to life -and limb are entirely subservient to the parsimonious policy of -our Bristol Sanitary Authority." Might I suggest Yule logs as an -appropriate pavement for Christmas Street? Certainly this accident -policy of the Bristol Sanitary Authority ought to be allowed to lapse. - - * * * * * - -I gather from a letter in the _Freeman's Journal_ that Bray is not -being well treated by the Bray Township Commissioners. "If Bray is -to march with the times," says the writer, "and keep pace with the -laudable efforts of our Tourist Development Association," something -must be done to improve the walk round Bray Head. The picture of Bray -keeping pace and marching with the times by walking round its own head -is too confusing for the intelligence of the dense Saxon. - - * * * * * - -An article in the _Scotsman_ declares that "a great laxity of costume -is characteristic of modern Oxford." Straw hats and brown boots appear -to abound everywhere. It is added that "Bowlers are already beginning -to be preserved as relics of a bygone race." This will be glorious -news for the Cambridge Eleven, for a merely preserved bowler cannot be -very dangerous. - - * * * * * - -From a recent issue of the _Freeman's Journal_ I extract the following -letter, which, it must be admitted, "makes both sides right" with a -clearness that leaves nothing to be desired. Note, too, the writer's -natural vexation at the idea that he "assisted the constable":-- - - TO THE EDITOR Of THE FREEMAN. - - _114, Lower Clanbrassil Street, Dublin, May 14, 1895._ - - SIR,--With reference to your issue of the 13th inst., and the - stolen tea from one of the London and Northern-Western vans, I - beg leave to state that I in no way assisted the constable in - the arrest of the prisoner, as you state; neither was there - any necessity for me doing so, as he had sufficient help along - with him at the time. But I did help the driver of the waggon - when on the ground to recover his feet and get back to his - waggon with the tea in question. My reasons for doing so were - as follows--first, being a van driver myself, and I might say - has been such all my lifetime, and knowing that when goods are - stolen from any van in nine cases out of every ten the driver - of such a van has to make good the same and be put under - stoppages although no fault of his. Secondly, when I came on - the scene the driver of the waggon seemed to be getting the - worst of it, as the offender had two others helping him. - If someone did not interfere, therefore, under those - circumstances and to protect the interest of my - fellow-workers, as I am always ready to do, I interfered, and - under no other.--Hoping you will kindly insert this in your - next issue and make both sides right, and thanking you for the - same, I remain your humble servant, - - HENRY PRENDERGAST. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: ALL THE COMFORTS OF A HOME. - -_Britannia_ (_to His Highness Nasrulla Khan_). "DELIGHTED TO SEE YOU, -FOR YOUR DEAR FATHER'S SAKE!"] - - * * * * * - -THE BOULD SOGER BOYS AT ISLINGTON. - -STAGE-MANAGERS Lieut.-Col. TULLY with Lieut.-Col. TILLOTSON and -Colonel ONSLOW, not to mention their talented assistants headed by -Captain DANN, Master of Ring, have given us a real good show. The -Olympian BOSSY KIRALFY must be anxiously awaiting the return of the -natives from Islington to Kensington, and Sir DRURIOLANUS must have -owned that the military managers have run him very close as a master -of crowds and of thrilling dramatic situations. Who would not rush -out to fight Zulus, or any other savages, to stirring sounds of First -Horse Guards' band, and cheered by all sorts and kinds of inspiriting -music? You march to a popular song, you build bridge to polka, you -make zerebas to the lilt of a waltz, you charge to a galop, and you -return victorious to the National Anthem! Hurrah for the life of a -soldier, at Islington! - -[Illustration] - -Here the Art of Artillery Driving can be seen to perfection: three -times round, clear posts and out again to deafening cheers. Bayonet -exercise of Second Battalion Scots Guards is full of point; while -the display made by Gymnastic Staff of Egyptian Army shows how our -soldiers can advance by leaps and bounds. Excellent device! Enemy -dumbfounded and bothered to see our athletic warriors jumping over one -another's heads, turning somersaults, and finally heaping themselves -up into pyramids--a real Egyptian puzzle this--with hero at apex -waving flag. Why, a whole army of fiercest enemies would take to their -heels rather than fight with these dancing dragoons, and hosts of -Mussulmans would flee before such men of muscle. For these tactics no -arms required except those already naturally belonging to the corps. -So inexpensive! Yet to these merry infants-in-arms the art of war is -no child's-play. - -The new effects, and one among the numerous attractions, is the Grand -Historical Military Pageant, performed with the greatest success by -the 3rd King's Own Hussars and the Buffs. Nothing buffo about the -Buffs. They appear as Cavalier cavalry and infantry pikemen of JAMES -THE SECOND'S time, and as cavalry and infantry from that date down -through the Georgian period to the present day. The great change is -noticeable in the hair, from long flowing curls and periwigs to the -short crop of THOMAS ATKINS. Altogether a brilliant success, and -should bring in a handsome amount for the benefit of the Military -Charities, to whose funds this show makes an invaluable contribution. - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -"HONOURS EASY."--The _St. James's Gazette_ suggests that if leading -play-actors are to be knighted, why not principal music-hall -singers? Well, not yet; as the chief music-hall singer is already "A -CHEVALIER." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Youngster_ (_who has just had a Penny given to him_) -"'OW MUCH IS THEM GRAPES, MISTER?" - -_Shopkeeper_ (_amused_). "THEY ARE FOUR SHILLINGS AND SIXPENCE A -POUND, MY LAD." - -_Youngster._ "WELL, THEN, GIVE US A 'A'PORTH O' _CARROTS_. I'M A -_DEMON_ FOR _FRUIT!_"] - - * * * * * - -A DERBY DIALOGUE. - -SCENE--_In Town._ JONES _meets_ BROWN. - -_Jones._ Going to Epsom? - -_Brown._ No, I think not. Fact is, the place gets duller year by year. -The train has knocked the fun out of the road. - -_Jones._ Such a waste of time. Why go in a crowd to see some horses -race, when you can read all about it in evening papers? - -_Brown._ Just so. No fun. No excitement. And the Downs are wretched if -it rains or snows. - -_Jones._ Certainly. The luncheon, too, is all very well; but, after -all, it spoils one's dinner. - -_Brown._ Distinctly. And champagne at two o'clock is premature. - -_Jones._ And lobster-salad undoubtedly indigestible. So it's much -better not to go to the Derby--in spite of the luncheon. - -_Brown._ Yes,--in spite of the luncheon. - -_Two hours pass. Scene changes to Epsom._ - -_Jones._ Hullo! You here? - -_Brown._ Hullo! And if it comes to that, you here, too? - -_Jones._ Well, I really found so little doing in town that I thought I -might be here as well as anywhere else. - -_Brown._ Just my case. Not that there's much to see or do. Silly as -usual. - -_Jones._ Quite. Always said the Derby was a fraud. But I am afraid, my -dear fellow, I must hurry away, as I have got to get back to my party -for luncheon. - -_Brown._ So have I. - - [_Exeunt severally._ - - * * * * * - -GREAT AND DESERVED SUCCESS.--LYCEUM.--The First Knight!! Sir -HENRY IRVING in an entirely new character. _Mr. Punch's_ sincere -congratulations. - - * * * * * - -BOOKMAKERS ON THE BEACH. - -(_A Sketch at a Sea-side Race-Meeting._) - - SCENE--_The Sands at Baymouth, where some pony and horse races - are being run. By the Grand Stand, and under the wall of - the esplanade, about a dozen bookmakers, perched on old - packing-cases, are clamouring with their customary energy. The - public, however, for some reason seems unusually deaf to - their blandishments and disinclined for speculation, and the - bookmakers, after shouting themselves hoarse with little or no - result, are beginning to feel discouraged._ - -_Bookmakers_ (_antiphonally_). Evens on the field! Three to one bar -one! Five to one bar two! Six to one bar one! Even money _Beeswing!_ -Six to one _Popgun!_ Come on 'ere. Two to one on the field! What do -you want to _do?_ - - [_The public apparently want to look another way._ - -_First Bookmaker_ (_to_ Second Bookmaker). Not much 'ere to-day! -Shawn't get no roast baked and biled this journey, eh? - -_Second B._ (_with deep disgust_). They ain't _got_ no money! -Baymouth's going down. Why, this might be a bloomin' Sunday-school -treat! Blest if I believe they know what we're 'ere _for!_ - -_Third B._ (_after pausing to refresh himself, sardonically to_ Fourth -Bookmaker). De-lightful weather, WILLIAM! - -_William_ (_in a similar tone of irony_). What a glorious day, PERCY! -Sech a treat to see all the people enjoyin' theirselves without any o' -the silly speculation yer _do_ find sometimes on occasions like this! -(_He accepts the bottle his friend passes, and drinks._) 'Ere's better -luck to us all! - -_Fifth B._ (_pathetically_). Don't leave your little FREDDY out! -(_They DON'T leave their little FREDDY out._) Cheer up, WILLIAM, there -'s 'appier days in store; there'll be Jersey comin' soon. We'll be orf -to the sunny south! (_To a stranger who comes up to him._) Why, Uncle, -you don't say it's you! How _well_ you're looking! Shake 'ands and -'ave a bit on, jest for ole sake's sake! (_The stranger proceeds to -introduce himself as the_ Secretary, _and to demand a fee._) What! -pay you five shillins for standin' 'ere wastin' my time and voice like -this? Not me! Why, I aint took two blessed sorcepans since I bin -'ere! (_The_ Secretary _remains firm._) I won't do it, my boy. Not on -_prinserple_, I won't. I wouldn't give you five shillins not if your -tongue was 'anging down on to your boots--so there! (_The_ Secretary -_does not attempt so violent an appeal to his better nature, but calls -a police-inspector._) 'Ere, I'd sooner git down and chuck the show -altogether; jest to mark my contempt for such goings on! (_He descends -from his box; takes down his sign, unscrews his pole, folds up his -professional triptych, and departs in a state of virtuous indignation -only to be expressed by extreme profanity, while the_ Secretary -_proceeds unmoved to collect payments from the others; who eventually -compromise the claims for half-a-crown._) - -_Mr. Sam Satchell_ (_"from Southampton"_). Now then, you gentlemen -and aristocratic tradesmen, where _are_ you all? Don't any o' you know -_anything?_ Come on 'ere. (_He stops an elderly rustic._) You've got a -fancy, I can see! (_The rustic denies the impeachment, grinning._) Git -along with yer, yer artful ole puss, then, and don't keep gentlemen -away as wants to bet! (_To a Yeomanry trooper._) Come along, my ole -soldier-boy, give it a name! (_His old soldier-boy declines to give it -any name, and passes on._) Call yerself a warrior bold, and afraid o' -riskin' 'alf-a-crown! Why, yer Queen and country orter be ashamed o' -yer! (_As a young farmer in riding-gaiters come up, with the evident -intention of business._) Ah, _you_ don't forget the old firm, I -see.... What, four to one not good enough for you? You won't get no -better odds, go where you _like!_ I suppose you expeck me to make you -a present o' the money? (_The farmer moves on._) I dunno what's _come_ -to 'em all. _I_ never see nothing like it in all _my_ life! - -IN THE GRAND STAND. - -_A Glib Person, in a tall hat_ (_as he picks his way up and down -the benches, the occupants of which treat him with tolerant -indifference_). I'm not a bookmaker, ladies and gentlemen; don't have -that impression of me for a moment! I'm simply an amateur, and an -independent gentleman o' means, like any of yourselves. You all know -more than _I_ do. I don't come 'ere with any intention o' winning your -money--far from it. I'm wishful to settle and live among you. I may -eventually put up as your member; and, if so, when I take my place -in Parliament I shall be in a position to testify that the Baymouth -people are extremely cautious as to the manner in which they invest -their money on 'orse-racin'! Yes, I'm 'ere on beyarf of the Sporting -League, just to prove how free a meeting like this is from the evils -o' gambling. I don't come 'ere to _rob_ yer. I want yer all to win. -I like to see yer bright and shining faces around me; I like the -friverolity and reckereation and the conviverality of the thing, -that's all. I'll tell yer how it is. I've a rich ole aunt, and she -puts fifty pound into my 'ands, and sez, "Jacky," she sez, "I love -those dear Baymouth people, and I want you to take this 'ere money and -lay it out among 'em in moieties, and make 'em rich and 'appy." You -can see for yourselves. I've no tickets and no parryfernalia, excep' -this little pocket-book, where I enter any bets you honour me -with. Come, Miss, win a pair o' those three-and-sixpenny gloves at -CHICKERELL'S, the ex-Mayor's, to oblige _me!_ Did I tread on your -corn, Sir? I assure you it was the last thing I intended.... "You -knew I'd do it afore I'd done?" ... Well, Sir, if you've sech a gift -o' seeing into futoority as that, why not make something out of it -now? Three to one bar one. _Kitty_ _I_'m barring. Thank _you_, -Sir; 'alf-a-crown to seven and six on _Sportsman_. I tell you -candidly--you've got the winner. The favourite won't win. Now, then, -all you others, where's your Baymouth pluck? I orfered you thirty to -one _Beeswing_ last race; and you wouldn't take it. And _Beeswing_ -won, and you lost the chance o' making yer fortunes. Don't blame _me_ -if the same thing 'appens again. I'm on'y bettin', as I told you, for -my own amusement, and to get rid o' the money! (_&c., &c._) - -[Illustration: "Why the blazes don't ye take it?"] - -_Mr. Sam Satchell_ (_whom the apathy of the public has apparently -reduced to a state of defiant buffoonery_). Even money _Daredevil_, -you rascals! And why the blazes don't ye take it? Come on. I'll take -two little bits o' twos that _Kitty_ don't win! Four to one against -ole bread-and-butter _Tommy_, over there in the corner! Eleven and -a 'alf to three quarters to two against _Kitty_. "What har the Wild -Waves say-hay-ing?" Two _Kitties_ to three _Daredevils_ against a -bloomin' goat-chaise! On the Baymouth Durby I'm bettin'! - -AT THE CLOSE OF THE LAST RACE. - - _Three horses have started; the favourite has led to the turn - and then bolted up the shingle, but, as the tide has come in - and almost covered the course, and the other two horses by - declining to face the water have let him in again, he wins - after an exciting finish, up to the girths in sea-water; and - such bookmakers as have succeeded in obtaining patronage are - paying up with as much cheerfulness as they can command._ - -_First Bookmaker_ (_to eager backer_). Wait a bit, my boy, wait -a _bit_, the number hasn't gone up yet, my son. Where's your -ticket--forty-two? (_His clerk refers to book._) That's _Squibbs_. -I pay over _winners_--not losers. (_To the public._) Come along and -fetch your money, the bullion's 'ere! (_To another backer._) What was -yours--threes? ("Fours _I_'ve got," _from his clerk_.) Why don't yer -arst for what you're entitled to, instead o' makin' me arst my clurk -what your bet was? There's your money--take it and go! - - [_The backer departs wealthier but abashed._ - -_Second B._ I'm payin' over that 'ard-run race, gentlemen, men and -'orses exhorsted! I'm payin' over _Susan_--dear ole Suseyhanner! who -wants their money? The Bank o' England's 'ere, gentlemen, Mr. FRANKIE -FAIRPRICE and his ole friend, who's always by his side and never -looses 'im! - -_Third B._ (_who has had to borrow largely from his brethren to meet -his engagements_). Are you all done now? (_To the crowd._) Then I'll -wish yer good afternoon, thank ye all for yer comp'ny, but you've bin -bloomin' bad fun to-day, and you don't ketch me playin' Patience on a -monument at any more o' yer blanky sand'oppin' 'andicaps, that's all! - - [_However, the local newspaper reports next day that "A number - of the sporting fraternity were in attendance to do business, - and apparently carried on a brisk and profitable trade"--which - only shows how difficult it is for the casual observer to form - an accurate opinion._ - - * * * * * - -OPERATIC NOTES. - -_Monday._--Crowded house: all charmed with everything and everybody in -_Fra Diavolo_. Somebody in grand tier so ecstatically pleased, that, -unable any longer to control impulsive movement, he (or she) hurls -into the air leather lorgnette case, which, descending at an angle, -clears the Prince of WALES'S elbow by a few inches, and startles -musical enthusiast who, seated at corner of third row of stalls, is at -that moment wrapped up in the opera, and thus protected against most -external dangers. A thrill went through the house! is it a "B-o-m-b" -bomb? BEVIGNANI, pausing, _bâton_ in air, gives the horrorstruck -singers and concealed orchestra (to whom pause is inexplicable) a -few notes rest. Then corner (stall) man picks up lorgnette case, -fortunately empty; whereupon the Bold BEVIGNANI'S _bâton_ is once more -in motion, and everyone is "as they were." ARIMONDI and PINI-CORSI -earn a big encore for duet and dance. Mr. DAVID BISPHAM with Madame -AMADI, as _Milor'_ and _Miladi_, speaking English and queer Italian, -do good service. _Fra Diavolo-Lucia_ excellent, and Miss MARIE ENGLE -(who naturally quite understood _Milor'_ and _Miladi_ when speaking -Engelish) a charming, sprightly _Zerlina_. Revival decided hit. - -[Illustration] - -_Wednesday._--VERDI'S opera, _Falstaff_. Some charming music in it; -otherwise dull opera. Impossible to put _Falstaff_ himself, singing -or speaking, on any stage. Actor or singer invariably over-weighted. -ZELIE DE LUSSAN, looking like _Jessica_, sings _Anne Page's_ music -charmingly. SHAKSPEARE created "sweet ANNE PAGE" the daughter of _Mrs. -Page_. Why then, in the opera, is she put into the FORD family? I -refer to the "Characters" in the book of the opera, where I find -"_Mistress Ford_," and "_Anne, her daughter_." GIULIA RAVOGLI a -sprightly _Dame Quickly_; PAULINE JORAN a lively _Mistress Ford_; and -Signor DE LUCIA an amiable _Fenton_, "with a song." - -_Friday._--House not absolutely crowded to hear _Carmen_. Is _Carmen_ -a bit "off"? Yet nothing better than performance of ZELIE DE LUSSAN -as gay and wicked heroine. Little _Don José de Lucia_ first-rate, and -ANCONA winning encore for old friend _Toréador_. MARIE ENGLE -excellent goody-goody contrast to bold, bad _Carmen_. Police-constable -BEVIGNANI, _bâton_ in hand, severe when on the beat. In honour of -QUEEN'S Birthday, Sir DRURIOLANUS troupe-ing _Il Trovatore's_ operatic -colours at Windsor Castle. It ought to have been, appropriately, -_Falstaff_. - -_Saturday._--_Faust._ "House full." _The_ Princess and Princesses -present. MELBA'S "Jewel song" a gem. M. PLANÇON, whose name, Britishly -pronounced, suggests "Mr. PLAIN-SONG," rather ecclesiastical -than diabolical, a highly-coloured but generally effective -_Mephistopheles_. Mdlle. BRAZZI appears to-night as "the new woman" -in the part of _Siebel_. "She rouses enthusiasm," quoth WAGSTAFF, "no -Siebil-lation." _Exeunt omnes._ - - * * * * * - -THE DISCOVERY OF LONDON. - -_Interviewer._ As a keen student of your fascinating works, permit me -to render to you my respectful homage. - -_Distinguished Foreigner in London._ Certainly. I observe that you -speak the French of the capital with fluency. - -_Int._ You flatter me. I am only an ordinary journalist. Possibly you -prefer to converse in our local language? - -[Illustration] - -_D. F._ On the contrary, I have only recently acquired the English -word, "Yes." Curiously enough, this is my first voyage of discovery -to your shores. I had, of course, often heard of England, and your -literature is not unfamiliar to me. My secretary reads to me the works -of your popular poet, ROBERT BROWNING. - -_Int._ Do you not, with your--er--limited knowledge, if I may so say, -of our language, find that writer's meaning somewhat obscure? - -_D. F._ Oh no; for my secretary translates him into idiomatic French -verse at sight. - -_Int._ M. ZOLA has also only recently discovered us. How do your -novelists find the necessary models for their English types? - -_D. F._ Nothing simpler. Tradition, _voilà tout_. The Englishwoman, -with her large feet, projecting teeth, and execrable French--we know -her because we have always known her. It is not necessary to have seen -her in the flesh. Indeed, it is only a marvel to me that I find the -type so rare in its own country. - -_Int._ Might I dare to ascribe such traditional views to the prejudice -of ignorance? Your Press, I believe, does not educate itself by -foreign travel. - -_D. F._ I cannot speak for others, but personally, if I do not offend -the laws of courtesy by saying this in the city whose hospitality I -now enjoy, I detest your race. I regard you as insular. - -_Int._ We cannot, of course, help being born on an island. But we -correct this defect by constant visits to the mainland, and from these -we have learnt a profound respect for the tastes of our neighbours. - -_D. F._ I am greatly gratified by this. Nothing has impressed me so -favourably here as your cordial appreciation of our people. I met a -distinguished British novelist who was actually acquainted with the -literature of my own Provence! - -_Int._ May I ask what other features of our comparatively inaccessible -island have attracted your notice? - -_D. F._ Above all things else, the sinister silence of your city. On -the Stock Exchange, down Cheapside, among vendors of journals, you can -hear a pin drop. Everywhere the taciturnity of the tomb. - -_Int._ And what of our institutions and types? - -_D. F._ Nothing has impressed me so deeply as the Great Wheel at -Earl's Court. It is a monument of national ardour and aspiration. -This, and Mr. STANLEY, and your guardsmen, and your way of cooking -meat, have left the most indelible impression upon my sentiment and -constitution. I dislike the last two of them. - -_Int._ In cooking, we freely yield you the saucepan. But how has our -military given you offence? - -_D. F._ I object to the size of its chest, and its manner of occupying -the pavement. I have seen a guardsman in Whitehall against whom, in -the heyday of my youth, I should indubitably have projected my person. - -_Int._ It would have been a rash and perhaps irreparable act. But tell -me more. Kindly hold up once again the veracious mirror, that we may -see ourselves as others see us. We are so apt to be blind to our own -national defects, unless the impartial observer, like yourself, throws -a flood of light upon our idiosyncrasies. - -_D. F._ I should like a few more days in which to complete my study, -and verify my anticipations, of your interesting city. Meanwhile, let -me refer you to M. GABRIEL MOUREY'S new work--_Passé le Détroit_. The -Ulysses of our century, he has gained a wide knowledge of your race, -having been a fearless traveller in _L'Underground_, and seen some -of your most typical fogs. You may learn much from him. He is read -eagerly at home, where the thirst for books of romantic travel and -exploration grows hourly. I wish you the good day. _Yes._ - - * * * * * - -A TEETOTAL TIP.--How to Live Long--Never take "something short." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SCENE--_A Restaurant near Leicester Square._ - -_Jones._ "OH--ER--GARSONG, REGARDEZ EECEE--ER--APPORTEZ-VOO -LE--LA----" - -_Waiter._ "BEG PARDON, SIR. I DON'T KNOW FRENCH!" - -_Jones._ "THEN, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, SEND ME SOMEBODY WHO _DOES!_"] - - * * * * * - -'ARRY ON DERBY DAY. - - DEAR CHARLIE,--Are _you_ going down? What a pooty blarmed world - this 'as got, - With its CHANTS, and its Anti-Sport Leagues, Local Hoption, and - other dashed rot. - Wot _is_ Libberty comin' to, CHARLIE? 'Ere's 'ARRY leg-lagged to - his stool, - Because his new Gaffer's a Hawkeite, as means a old-fossilised fool. - - The young 'un whose crib I succeeded to skinned the old bloke's - petty cash - In backing of wrong 'uns last year, as of course was most reckless - and rash. - But wy should _I_ suffer along of it? Wy must he drop upon _me_ - Who wanted the Derby Day off--for cremating my poor uncle G.? - - Smelt a rat, the old Smelfungus did, and he lectured me, too, like - old boots, - Saying, Sport wos a Youpass tree, CHARLIE, and lying wos one of - its fruits. - He's a reglar front-row Anti-Gambler, a foe of Mirth, Music, and - Malt, - As would 'ave them lay Tattersall's level, and sow Hepsom - race-course with salt. - - I'd arranged with a sporting greengrocer, and BOODLE a smart local - Bung, - To tool down by road with a trotter. Us three would 'ave gone a - rare splung, - And _I_ ain't missed a Derby this five year. And now all along of - old hunks - Instead of sweepstaking for winners, I'm making out bills for - hair-trunks. - - It's beastly, dear boy, and no bottles. I landed on _Ladas_ last - year, - And I've got such a cert. for to-day, as I _couldn't_ go wrong - on--no fear! - Oh, laylocks and lemonade, CHARLIE! it do give yours truly the 'ump - To think I must miss such a treat, all along of that precious old - pump. - - The whizz o' the wheels makes mad music, old man, in this dingy - old den, - Where only the tick of the clock, and the scrape of my spiky steel - pen, - Measure hout the monotonous 'ours, while friend Bung and young - Greens are agog. - 'Midst the clatter and clink of the course, and the yelp of the - old Derby Dog. - - I can smell the sweet whiff of their baccy, can taste the cold - chickin' an' 'am, - And see the fine salmon-hued sparkle of Bung's Jerryboam of Cham. - I _know_ Greens will do it to rights; I am _sure_ a safe winner - I'd spot, - And my anti-gambling old Gaffer 'as spiled the whole splurge! - _Ain't_ it rot? - - Them plaguey philanterpists, CHARLIE, are turning the world - upsidown! - A cove musn't lap arf-a-pint, and a cove mustn't lay arf-a-crown! - It's Weto all over the shop, CHARLIE! But wot _I_ always remarks,-- - Philanterpy seems to shine mostly in Wetoing _other_ folks larks! - - Well, I'm off down the road, mate, to Clapham, or wot not, to see - 'em return. - My cert. 'asn't come off, I 'ear, so I've dropped arf the screw as - I earn - By my six days of nose-to-the-grinstone of Gaffer. He'd larf if he - knowed. - But if it ain't _his_ bloomin' fault for his sport-'ating 'umbug, - I'm blowed. - - _Sport?_ Sport's in the blood of a gentleman! Cocktails ain't fly - to the fun - Of landing a bit off a pal. Lor! a bet, on a 'orse or a gun, - Mykes friendship and life reglar flavoursome! 'Ow could your true - sportsman care - For a drive through green lanes to the Derby without a small - flutter when there? - - Too late for the flutter to-night, but the Clapham laburnums are - out; - There are plenty of pubs on that road, to the Wetoist's 'orror, no - doubt. - I am sure to meet lots of old pals, full of fun and good stuff as - they'll carry, - And if we don't 'ave Derby larks, spite o' Gaffers and HAWKES, I - ain't, 'ARRY. - - * * * * * - -Derby Dampers. - -Having no invitation to join a company on a drag. Having no money to -pay for a railway ticket to the course. Having no friends rich enough -or rash enough to advance a trifle on account. Having no notion of -the betting and no knowledge of the horses engaged. Having no time, no -money, and last, but not least, no inclination. - - * * * * * - -"ALL NODDIN'."--The _Western Daily Mercury_ records that the New Woman -has broken out in a new place--as A Lady Auctioneer. Woman at all -times has known how to go it hammer and tongs. Advanced Femininity -drops the tongs, but sticks to the hammer. Formerly man was often gone -on fair woman--rather expected of him. The lady now prefers to do the -"Going, going, gone," herself. Awful vistas opened up. Will a wink be -as good as a nod to the Lady Auctioneer? Will "dinner eyes" have to -yield to "auction winks"? A for-bidding prospect. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A DOUBTFUL "STAYER." - -L-BBY. "YOU AIN'T GOT MUCH OF A MOUNT, GUV'NOR!" - -R-S-B-RY. "P'R'APS NOT,--BUT I'LL RIDE HIM FOR ALL HE'S WORTH!"] - - * * * * * - -THE SCARLET PARASOL. - -SCENE II.--_Drawing-room. Windows opening on to Terrace. Ladies -alone._ - -_Muriel_ (_to_ VIOLA). CLAUDE MIGNON has been saying that I am the -only woman he has ever loved! - -_Viola._ Exactly what he says to me! - -_Muriel._ Is it a boast--or a confession? - -_Viola_ (_quietly_). It is a lie, that's all. But what did ALAN ROY -say? He didn't speak to me. - -_Muriel._ He says you have a far-away look in your eyes. - -_Viola_ (_eagerly_). Yes? I did my best! - -_Muriel_ (_simply_). So I told him you wanted to have a secret in your -life--a romance. He seemed very much interested. - -_Viola._ Oh, MURIEL! How could you? _How_ silly of you! I am very -angry indeed. - -_Muriel_ (_calmly_). Why, VIOLA? ALBERT is getting accustomed to his -being grown-up, and CLAUDE to his being so young. They all like him -immensely. But I think they will be glad when he goes away. - - [_Enter gentlemen._ - -_Claude_ (_talking to_ ALAN). Yes, I felt I had something to say--and -I said it--in one volume. - -_Alan._ There is no mistake so fatal as to write because one has -something to say. - -_Claude._ How about _Robinson Crusoe_, _Don Quixote_---- - -_Alan._ I am afraid I never read them. I couldn't read till I was -ten--and then I read dear HERBERT SPENCER. - - [_He tries to join_ VIOLA _and passes_ Mrs. AVERIDGE, _who - moves to leave room for him on the sofa, and smiles_. - -_Alan_ (_standing by the sofa_). Weren't the flowers quite sweet on -the table to-night, Mrs. AVERIDGE? - -_Mrs. Averidge_ (_trying to be original_). I can't bear flowers. - -_Alan._ What _do_ you like, Mrs. AVERIDGE? - -_Mrs. Averidge_ (_looking out of the window_). Oh--trees, I think. - -_Alan._ What! on the table! (_He escapes, and joins_ VIOLA.) Is that -the moon outside, Mrs. TRAVERS? - -_Viola_ (_gazing at it intensely_). I think it is. - -_Alan._ Shall we go and see? - - [_They move out on to the terrace._ - -_Muriel_ (_sitting next to_ Mrs. AVERIDGE). Isn't ALAN ROY a little -dear? - -_Mrs. Averidge_ (_spitefully_). So your sister seems to think. I had -no idea she was so fond of children. - -_Muriel._ He has such pretty ways! That new shade of blue is very -fashionable, Mrs. AVERIDGE. But it's a little _trying_ to you, do you -know? You don't mind my saying so, do you? [_Amenities continue._ - -_Mr. Averidge._ It's perfectly amazing! That boy knows everything. He -talks politics---- - -_Claude._ He's a staunch Tory! - -_Mr. Averidge._ Literature---- - -_Claude._ He tells me he's not a Romanticist; he cares only for the -Classics. - -_Mr. Averidge._ Art---- - -_Claude_ (_resigned_). He dismisses Symbolism with a word, smiles at -Impressionism as old-fashioned, but speaks most kindly both of MILLAIS -and WHISTLER. He calls them "poor dears." I _think_ that was the -phrase. I won't be sure, but I think so. - -_Mr. Averidge._ Yes, he's astounding. - - [_Ponders._ - -_Claude_ (_to_ MURIEL). Aren't we going to have some music? How I -should like you to play those chants to me again! Won't you, Miss -VANE? I _love_ sacred music so. - -_Muriel._ Yes; with pleasure. VIOLA has had my organ put in the -billiard-room, to be out of the way. - - [_Rises._ - -_Claude_ (_as he and_ MURIEL _go into the billiard-room_). The -worst point about these clever boys is that they are so cynical! No -sentiment--no heart! - - [_Continues ad lib._ - - _On the Terrace._ - -_Alan_ (_to_ VIOLA). You have very wonderful eyes, Mrs. TRAVERS, -haven't you? - -_Viola._ Have I? - -_Alan._ You know you have. Do you believe in palmistry? - -_Viola._ I think I do. Do you? - -_Alan._ I don't know whether I believe in it, I _like_ it.... Your -line of life.... - - [_Continues ad lib._ - - _In the Drawing-room._ - -_Albert._ That boy is bewildering! He flits over every subject under -the sun! Have a game of piquet, AVERIDGE? - - [_They play piquet._ - - _In the Billiard-room._ MURIEL _playing the organ_. CLAUDE _by - her side trying to look like_ DICKSEE'S _picture, "Harmony."_ - -_Claude._ Do you ever have that curious feeling that you are doing -exactly what you have done before, hearing--seeing something for the -second time? - -_Muriel._ Oh, yes! continually! I felt it during the whole of dinner! - -_Claude._ Do you think it shows we knew each other in a previous -existence, Miss VANE? - -_Muriel._ No. I am afraid it only shows that you sometimes repeat -yourself. - - [_She smiles._ - -_Claude._ How can you be so unkind, and yet look such a perfect angel! - -_Muriel._ I feel exactly like St. Cecilia when I am playing the organ. - -_Claude._ And _I_ feel like St. Anthony, Miss VANE. - - _On the Terrace._ - -_Alan._ To get right away from people, to take a drive together, and -bathe our heads in the golden sunlight! In secret! Do--_do_ let us, -Mrs. TRAVERS! - -[Illustration: "Bathing her head in the golden sunlight."] - -_Viola._ It _would_ be nice! ALBERT is going to town for the day, and -the AVERIDGES are going for an excursion.... But what could we drive -in? - -_Alan._ Oh, _I_ will arrange that. I will hire a dog-cart in the -village; and we must meet in a lane, or a field, or something. And you -must say you have been to teach the orphan boy to sew or something. It -would be too sweet! - -_Viola._ But--Master ROY---- - -_Alan._ _Don't_ call me Master ROY. Call me ALAN--when no one is -listening. - -_Viola._ ALAN--wouldn't it be much simpler, merely to say we were -going for a drive, and to order the carriage? - -_Alan._ Then where's your mystery? - -_Viola._ Very well! Then _mind_ you don't tell anyone! - -_Alan._ Not tell anyone, Mrs. TRAVERS! But what's the use of a secret -if one doesn't tell it to everyone? - -_Viola._ Oh! - -_Alan._ I was only joking, dear Mrs. TRAVERS. At three, then.... -Sh-sh! (_He picks up her fan with the air of a conspirator._) If I -think of anything else, I'll write a little note, and put it under the -clock on that mantelpiece. Shall I? - -_Viola._ What fun! But would it be safe? - -_Alan._ Would you rather we corresponded in the _Times_ about it, Mrs. -TRAVERS? - -_Viola._ You're making fun of the whole thing. - - [_She pouts, &c. He shows by her Line of Fate that all will be - well._ - -_Mrs. Averidge_ (_to herself_). Well of all the dull houses I ever -stayed at!... Piquet in the drawing-room, chants in the billiard-room, -palmistry with Infant Phenomenons on the Terrace!... It's quite -true, too, what that affected little VANE girl said--the colour _is_ -trying.... I'll never come here again! - - [_Retires to her room in disgust._ - - * * * * * - -"HECKLING."--At a meeting of the supporters of Mr. MURRAY, Master -of Elibank, the Liberal candidate for West Edinburgh, the following -"heckle" took place:-- - - "_Mr. Guy._ Seeing you approve of Home Rule all round, what - is the smallest number of Parliaments the United Kingdom would - require? (_Laughter and a Voice:_ 'Send it back to Parliament - Square.') - - _The Master of Elibank._ I think that is a question which - can be settled by an ordinary addition sum. (_Cheers and - laughter._)" - -Which shows that the Master is a real Master of Arts as well as of -Elibank, and, as regards platform difficulties, good at getting out. -But whether he is equally good at "getting in" the future must decide. -A slippery customer, evidently, is Mr. MURRAY, and his title ought to -be "the Master of Eely-bank!" - - * * * * * - -A REAL "MAN OF THE TIMES."--_Mr. Punch_ congratulates Dr. W. H. -RUSSELL, endeared to his friends and companions-in-arms as "BILLY -RUSSELL," on his becoming Sir WILLIAM HOWARD RUSSELL, Knight of the -Pen. _Prosit!_ - - * * * * * - -SCOTCH JUNKETING.--A "Curd Fair" has been held, as usual, at -Kilmarnock, and the number of excursionists who left the town, both by -road and rail, is said to have been very large. Well, of course a Curd -Fair naturally leads to a number of whey-farers! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: ANIMAL SPIRITS ON DERBY DAY. - -(_With Apologies to W. Frith._)] - - * * * * * - -AFTER THE PLAY. - -_Junior Playgoer._ Why is it called _The Prude's Progress_. I didn't -see any Prude, did you? - -_Elderly Playgoer._ No; and no Progress. Slow. CYRIL MAUDE and FANNY -BROUGH quite the life and soul of the piece. - -_Jun. P._ High premium wanted to insure its life, eh? RIGHTON good all -round man? - -_Eld. P._ Very much all round. PLAYFAIR'S part recalled WYNDHAM -jotting down mems. on shirt-cuff. - -_Jun. P._ Yes; somehow it all reminded me of various pieces I've seen. - -_Eld. P._ Quite so. Remember old pantomime song?-- - - "A little piece here, and a little piece there, - Here a piece, and there a piece, - And everywhere a piece." - -_Jun. P._ And it might finish with author--no (_refers to -programme_)--authors, JEROME and PHILPOTT, singing-- - - "We are two merry, merry men, - Nobody precisely can find us out." - -_Eld. P._ Exactly. Good night old boy. Better luck next time. - - [_Exeunt severally._ - - * * * * * - -THAT TELEGRAM. - -(_Some Yildiz Comments on a Recent Editorial Exploit._) - -_Mashallah!_ Am I, the Full Moon That Blazeth in Heaven Like Anything, -to be bested by a Penny Journalist, a Feringhee Writer of the Thing -that is Not, a Gazetteer who is Ac-cust? Shall I, the Padishah Whose -Piano-playing Edifieth the Distant Constellations, submit to be -out-man[oe]uvred in my own particular line by an Unbelieving Dog, a -Giaour of Giaours? What though he be Lord of Lo Ben and of a Hundred -Press-carts, he shall learn that a Concocter of Copy is no match for -The Unspeakable One! _Inshallah!..._ What ho! Summon the Grand Vizier, -and let the Chief Bowstringer be in attendance! Bring in the medicated -coffee for one, and _rahat lakoum_ for two!... - -What saith the dog of a dragoman? The Infidel Frank refuseth the mark -of My very distinguished Favour, the Medjidieh of the Fourth Class? -Will not _that_ stop his accursed inquisitiveness? Or doth he wish for -an Osmanieh, set in brilliants? Ingleez though he be, he must have his -price!... No? He will _not_ take an Osmanieh, not even of the First -Class!! - -Ah, perhaps he will _give_, if he will not take? Times are hard, and -there is that Russian indemnity. Nay, it need but take the form of an -Irredeemable _Loan_, or a Mortgage on the flourishing revenues of -Our most prosperous province of Arabia Felix. We sorely need a new -ironclad or two, for Our boilers are rusting badly, and Our keels are -rotting beyond repair at their anchorage in the Bosphorus.... - -_What!?_ The alien unbeliever neither giveth nor taketh? And doth -not care one "snuff" (whatever that may mean) whether his telegram to -Europe in general, and the _P-ll M-ll G-z-tte_ in particular, goeth -or not? Verily, he knoweth not the rules of Oriental diplomacy. But -though the telegram shall not go, if we know it, the Sublime Porte -shall yet give the quill-driving outcast a lesson in shilly-shally and -hanky-panky. He shall know that the Commander of the Faithful is not -to be called an impotent Potentate (with a big P) in vain. We will sit -up all night, pretending to re-draft his telegram, and really -enjoying his discomfiture! "Impotent Potentate," indeed! Let the chief -telegraph-clerk be beheaded on the spot!... - - * * * * * - -"WHEEL AND WOE."--"A Word of Warning" to women bicyclists appeared -in the _St. James's Gazette_ last Friday, by "A Medical Man." Quite -right. This Round of Wheel is overdone. Instead of "Wheel," the Medico -cries "Woa!" - - * * * * * - -THE LOSS OF RICHMOND HILL. - -AIR--"_The Lass of Richmond Hill._" - - From Richmond Hill there is a view - As fair as Tempe's morn; - Its charms are such that sure by few - Their loss were calmly borne. - This view so sweet, no "Jerry" street - Must intercept or kill; - We all decline thus to resign, - The view from Richmond Hill! - - How happy would that builder be - Who'd call that plot his own! - His heart is fixed on lease and fee, - Ours on the view alone. - This view so sweet must rest complete, - For not with our good will - For villas fine will we resign - That view from Richmond Hill! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: FELINE AMENITIES. - -"ARE YOU GOING TO THE BROWNS' DANCE?" - -"NO. I HAVEN'T BEEN ASKED." - -"OH--I SUPPOSE IT'S QUITE A _YOUNG_ PEOPLE'S DANCE, YOU KNOW!"] - - * * * * * - -ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. - -EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. - -_House of Commons, Monday, May 20._--JAMES GALLOWAY WEIR is a sore man -the night. Ross and Cromarty hide their diminished head--or should it -be heads?--before the illuminated mountain tops of Inverness-shire. -THE MACGREGOR has done him at last, done him hopelessly. Since the -present Parliament met, he and THE MACGREGOR have run pretty evenly, -neck and neck in race to show what Scotland can do in this way when -it concentrates its mighty mind on the effort. In former times Ireland -had monopoly of the Crank as he was returned to Parliament. Scotch -Members preserved traditional reputation of their country as the -home of dour-headed businesslike men. WEIR standing alone would have -sufficed to tear this fable to tatters. THE MACGREGOR unaided -would have confounded the tradition. The combination of talent was -irresistible, overpowering in its force of conviction. - -Between these eminent men there has been, from the first, a feeling -of generous rivalry. THE MACGREGOR, as befitted the riper genius, has -been more successful in concealing it. Whenever he has put a question -about the Crofters, WEIR has managed to drop in with supplementary -inquiry. His name appearing in the report, watchful Scotia would take -note that THE MACGREGOR was not the only one of her sons who, in a -foreign land, cared for her interests. THE MACGREGOR, on the contrary, -not less loftily because without apparent design, ignored WEIR. -There is reason to believe he did not regard with fullest measure of -appreciation his intellectual capacity, his business aptitude, or his -parliamentary manner. - -"A puir creature!" he said, one night, staring straight up at the -gaslit roof. There was no one up there at the moment, and as this -happened to be the night when WEIR had eleven questions on the paper, -by way of showing his want of confidence in the Government, and was -approaching the ninth with ever deepening chest notes, there is too -much reason to fear that at that moment the Member for Inverness-shire -was not unconscious of the existence of the Member for Ross and -Cromarty. - -JAMES GALLOWAY'S boot-issuing and blood-curdling tones; his tragic -reiteration of the phrase, "Is the right hon. gentleman a Weir?" The -solemn sweep of his arm as he places the reluctant _pince-nez_ on -his disputatious nose; his stare of haughty surprise when Lowlanders -opposite titter at his inquiry about the lost handle of the parish -pump in outraged Pitlochrie; his habit of turning up at unexpected -places on either side of the House below the Gangway--these things -are unique in their way. In the aggregate they would, save for THE -MACGREGOR, have placed him on an unapproachable pinnacle. After -to-night he will reign alone. The other King of the Bedlam Brentford -has abdicated. But evermore there will rest over JAMES GALLOWAY the -chill shadow of the mighty triumph with which his rival closed his -public career. - -Nothing in the parliamentary life of THE MACGREGOR became him so well -as its quittance. The artful way in which he led the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD -up to confession of intent with respect to the Crofters Bill; the -SQUIRE'S humble plea to wait till Thursday; the MACGREGOR'S stern -response, "That is not good enough for me;" then his swinging march -down the Gangway (almost you could hear the pibroch playing); his halt -before the Mace; his stately bow to the SPEAKER; the march resumed; -the fresh halt at the Bar; another sweeping obeisance (again fancy -feigned the faint sound of the distant pibroch), and the MACGREGOR was -o'er the border, and awa'. - -"A puir daft body," said JAMES GALLOWAY WEIR, his musing sight, by -strange coincidence, also fixed on the ceiling. - -_Business done._--THE MACGREGOR shakes the dust of the House of -Commons from off his feet. In disordered state of things that -followed, paralysed Government escaped defeat in Committee on Welsh -Disestablishment Bill by narrow majority of nine. - -_Tuesday._--Surely never was such a place in the world as House of -Commons for bifurcations. Within memory of man there was a time -when, of two sides of the political highway, Liberals trod one, -Conservatives paced the other. Now House is broken up into half a -dozen parties, each with its infinitude of sections. Most depressing -and disappointing development of this tendency appears to-night. The -Eldest-Son Party is just bereft of one of its most active members by -WOLMER'S accession to Earldom. General GEORGE CURZON, whose forces, -on full muster, counted two, is now reduced, on Queen's Birthdays and -other State occasions, to reviewing ST. JOHN BRODRICK, _seul._ Force -of habit still strong, and, when speaking to-night, he made House -acquainted with the views on constitutional question which "I and my -friends hold." - -[Illustration: THE MACGREGOR RETIRES TO HIS CAVE. - -_Mr. W-r._ "Mon, if I hadna thocht he was jokin', I wad ha' gone -mysel',--to be even wi' 'im!"] - -It may be singular, but so is the number of the friends. CRANBORNE, in -one of his fiery speeches, made it clear just now that the Eldest -Sons are divided on the question which General GEORGE CURZON, -Quartermaster-General ST. JOHN BRODRICK, and the late Army (now gone -to another place) made their own. This defection from within not made -up by sustentation from without. JOSEPH, having got a little mixed -between what he said on Coleridge peerage case, and the exact reverse -put forward by him with equal confidence on the Selborne case, -judiciously absented himself to-night. COURTNEY also absent. PRINCE -ARTHUR sat ominously silent on Front Bench, whilst DICK WEBSTER backed -up SQUIRE OF MALWOOD in denouncing position assumed by General GEORGE -and Quartermaster-General ST. JOHN. As for the Army, multitudinously -alluded to as "the Hon. WILLIAM WALDEGRAVE PALMER, commonly called -Viscount WOLMER, now Earl of SELBORNE," it was withdrawn, interned as -garrisons are at particular crises of civic life. House gladly ordered -issue of new writ for West Edinburgh. Constitution remains unreformed, -and WILLIAM WALDEGRAVE--to quote with slight variation from the -appropriate source of tombstone literature-- - - Called hence by early doom, - Lives but to show how sweet an Earl - In House of Lords may bloom. - -_Business done._--Clause III. added to Welsh Disestablishment Bill. - -_Thursday._--The Bashful BARTLEY, temporarily overcoming a -constitutional weakness that is the despair of his friends, and has -proved a serious block in the way of his public advancement, put -himself forward just now. Is disturbed by dalliance of Lord BRASSEY, -sometime ago appointed Governor of Victoria. BARTLEY has conviction -that if, in good time coming, his party should acknowledge faithful -service by appointing him to Governorship, he would lose no time in -entering upon his new sphere of usefulness. That course Lord BRASSEY -might be expected to follow. "Instead of which, he goes about the -country--stealing ducks," BARTLEY, impelled by swing of the quotation, -was about to add. Pulling himself up in time, he added, "making party -political speeches in favour of candidates at elections." - -SYDNEY BUXTON, in his most Severe-Young-Man-manner, informed the not -quite Blameless BARTLEY that BRASSEY not yet set out to undertake -Governorship of Victoria because he is not yet Governor. HOPETOUN'S -term does not expire till September, and unless it were desired to run -the risk of a sort of colonial _Box and Cox_ scene, it would be well -he should await the due date of his succession. - -BARTLEY blushed, said nothing--at least, not aloud. To himself -muttered, "They may say what they like; but, after all, bashfulness is -the best policy." - -The TIRESOME TOMLINSON so affected by this repulse of an esteemed -friend and neighbour that when, later in sitting, BARTLEY, forgetting -his pious resolve, moved amendment to Budget Bill exempting a wife's -revenues from income-tax, T. T., rushing out to support him in -division lobby, lost the way. When he arrived at lobby door, found it -locked. Rattled at handle; kicked panel. For only reply came whisper -through keyhole, in voice he recognised as TOMMY BOWLES': "Too late. -Go away, you foolish virgin." - -"Bad enough," said T. T., "to lose chance of voting against the -Government. But why TOMMY BOWLES should call me a foolish virgin, I -don't know. Do I look like one?" - -_Business done._--Scotch Grand Committee set up. Opposition -straightway go and gather sticks wherewith to knock it down. - -_Friday._--Came across little group in lobby just now steeped in -brackish waters of tribulation. Only three of them, but they seemed to -have all the trouble of the world divided amongst them. - -"What's the matter?" I asked. "Been listening to two hours' debate on -Budget Bill in Committee?" - -"Worse than that," said HART DYKE. "Haven't you heard? CARMARTHEN, -riding out on his bicycle, came by sudden turn on steam-roller. -Bicycle shied; pitched DOLLY off." - -"Poor DOLLY!" said JOHN PENN, mopping his eye with a J pen-wiper. "He -fell on his head." - -HART DYKE and MARK LOCKWOOD (together)--"Oh, then he's not hurt." -Sudden brightening of faces as load of apprehension removed from mind; -walked off quite cheerfully. - -Gracious, kind-hearted comrades! So pleasant, amid turmoil of -political warfare, to come upon idyllic scene like this, and learn how -sweet a thing is friendship. - -_Business done._--Budget Bill through Committee. - -[Illustration: "NOT FOR JO-ACHIM!" - -["The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER said that the right hon. member for -St. George's had referred to the fact that this was leap year, and -they all knew that in leap year proposals could be made that would be -considered rather extraordinary in ordinary times. (_Laughter._) To -accept the right hon. gentleman's proposal would not be consistent -with his duty."--_Times._]] - - * * * * * - - - - -Transcriber's Note: - -Sundry missing or damaged puctuation has been repaired. - -This book contains dialect, some deliberately fractured English words, -and the occasional French word. All have been retained; it's Punch! - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. -108, June 1, 1895, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JUNE 1, 1895 *** - -***** This file should be named 42485-8.txt or 42485-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/4/8/42485/ - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/42485-8.zip b/42485-8.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 6ab4af1..0000000 --- a/42485-8.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/42485-h.zip b/42485-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 77b2ad2..0000000 --- a/42485-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/42485-h/42485-h.htm b/42485-h/42485-h.htm index a819e7a..35a59cc 100644 --- a/42485-h/42485-h.htm +++ b/42485-h/42485-h.htm @@ -3,7 +3,7 @@ <html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en" xml:lang="en"> <head> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> <title>Punch, or the London Charivari, June 1st, 1895.</title> @@ -106,46 +106,7 @@ display : none; </style> </head> <body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, -June 1, 1895, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, June 1, 1895 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: April 8, 2013 [EBook #42485] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JUNE 1, 1895 *** - - - - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42485 ***</div> <hr /> <p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page253" id="page253"></a>[pg 253]</span></p> @@ -818,12 +779,12 @@ at an angle, clears the Prince of <span class="sc">Wales's</span> elbow by a few and startles musical enthusiast who, seated at corner of third row of stalls, is at that moment wrapped up in the opera, and thus protected against most external dangers. A thrill went through the -house! is it a "B-o-m-b" bomb? <span class="sc">Bevignani</span>, pausing, <em>bâton</em> in +house! is it a "B-o-m-b" bomb? <span class="sc">Bevignani</span>, pausing, <em>bâton</em> in air, gives the horrorstruck singers and concealed orchestra (to whom pause is inexplicable) a few notes rest. Then corner (stall) man picks up lorgnette case, fortunately empty; whereupon the Bold -<span class="sc">Bevignani's</span> <em>bâton</em> is once more in motion, and +<span class="sc">Bevignani's</span> <em>bâton</em> is once more in motion, and everyone is "as they were." <span class="sc">Arimondi</span> and <span class="sc">Pini-Corsi</span> earn a big encore for duet and dance. Mr. <span class="sc">David Bispham</span> with Madame <span class="sc">Amadi</span>, as <em>Milor'</em> and @@ -849,16 +810,16 @@ lively <em>Mistress Ford</em>; and Signor <span class="sc">de Lucia</span> an am <p><em>Friday.</em>—House not absolutely crowded to hear <em>Carmen</em>. Is <em>Carmen</em> a bit "off"? Yet nothing better than performance of -<span class="sc">Zelie de Lussan</span> as gay and wicked heroine. Little <em>Don José de -Lucia</em> first-rate, and <span class="sc">Ancona</span> winning encore for old friend <em>Toréador</em>. +<span class="sc">Zelie de Lussan</span> as gay and wicked heroine. Little <em>Don José de +Lucia</em> first-rate, and <span class="sc">Ancona</span> winning encore for old friend <em>Toréador</em>. <span class="sc">Marie Engle</span> excellent goody-goody contrast to bold, bad <em>Carmen</em>. -Police-constable <span class="sc">Bevignani</span>, <em>bâton</em> in hand, severe when on the beat. +Police-constable <span class="sc">Bevignani</span>, <em>bâton</em> in hand, severe when on the beat. In honour of <span class="sc">Queen's</span> Birthday, Sir <span class="sc">Druriolanus</span> troupe-ing <em>Il Trovatore's</em> operatic colours at Windsor Castle. It ought to have been, appropriately, <em>Falstaff</em>.</p> <p><em>Saturday.</em>—<em>Faust.</em> "House full." <em>The</em> Princess and Princesses -present. <span class="sc">Melba's</span> "Jewel song" a gem. <span class="sc">M. Plançon</span>, whose +present. <span class="sc">Melba's</span> "Jewel song" a gem. <span class="sc">M. Plançon</span>, whose name, Britishly pronounced, suggests "Mr. <span class="sc">Plain-song</span>," rather ecclesiastical than diabolical, a highly-coloured but generally effective <em>Mephistopheles</em>. Mdlle. <span class="sc">Brazzi</span> appears to-night as "the new @@ -901,7 +862,7 @@ French verse at sight.</p> <p><em>Int.</em> <span class="sc">M. Zola</span> has also only recently discovered us. How do your novelists find the necessary models for their English types?</p> -<p><em>D. F.</em> Nothing simpler. Tradition, <em>voilà tout</em>. The Englishwoman, +<p><em>D. F.</em> Nothing simpler. Tradition, <em>voilà tout</em>. The Englishwoman, with her large feet, projecting teeth, and execrable French—we know her because we have always known her. It is not necessary to have seen her in the flesh. Indeed, it is only a marvel to me that @@ -955,8 +916,8 @@ throws a flood of light upon our idiosyncrasies.</p> <p><em>D. F.</em> I should like a few more days in which to complete my study, and verify my anticipations, of your interesting city. Meanwhile, -let me refer you to M. <span class="sc">Gabriel Mourey's</span> new work—<em>Passé -le Détroit</em>. The Ulysses of our century, he has gained a wide knowledge +let me refer you to M. <span class="sc">Gabriel Mourey's</span> new work—<em>Passé +le Détroit</em>. The Ulysses of our century, he has gained a wide knowledge of your race, having been a fearless traveller in <em>L'Underground</em>, and seen some of your most typical fogs. You may learn much from him. He is read eagerly at home, where the thirst for books of @@ -1767,381 +1728,6 @@ and the occasional French word. All have been retained; it's Punch!<br /><br />< <hr class="full" /> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. -108, June 1, 1895, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JUNE 1, 1895 *** - -***** This file should be named 42485-h.htm or 42485-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/4/8/42485/ - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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