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diff --git a/42485-8.txt b/42485-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 8b31f5f..0000000 --- a/42485-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1750 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, -June 1, 1895, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, June 1, 1895 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: April 8, 2013 [EBook #42485] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JUNE 1, 1895 *** - - - - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - -VOL. 108. JUNE 1, 1895. - -_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ - - - - -"LONDON AND LIVERPOOL--LITTLE AND GOOD." - -It appears that the very excellent proposal of amalgamating all -the local branches of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to -Children in one national association is meeting with some opposition -in Liverpool. Says the _Courier_ of that important locality, "It was -Liverpool which educated London in the matter of child-protection, and -probably the Londoners could still learn in Liverpool many practical -lessons. And just when Liverpool is about to be trebled in extent, -and have its population largely increased, seems a singularly -inappropriate time to subordinate the city to London." From this -it would appear that Liverpool in its growth is becoming, to use a -colloquialism, "too big for its boots." Surely the benefit of the -children should be the first consideration. What the size of either -Liverpool or London has to do with that matter, it is difficult -to say. No doubt Londoners could learn much from their Liverpool -brothers. But the lesson for the moment is to discover how to best -protect the little ones. And that subject can only be mastered by a -display of goodwill and unselfishness on both sides. - - * * * * * - -SIR JOHN FRANKLIN. - - [May 20, 1895: Fiftieth Anniversary of the Day when the - Franklin Expedition set Sail.] - - The North returned thee not to British earth. - Whence on that splendid quest thou didst go forth; - But when our British hearts, in sordid dearth - Of pride, forget thy valour and thy worth, - Those hearts must be yet colder than the North. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: TURF CUTTINGS. - -"Taken and Off" - -"Getting on" at 6 to 4.] - - * * * * * - -A BAS "THE CLUB SWEEP." - -DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Although you are a humorist, there is a serious side -to your character. I want to appeal to that serious side. I wish to -complain of the prevalence in all our West-End Co-operative Palaces of -that annual pest, appropriately called "the Club Sweep." Why should it -be allowed to prosper? It is a disgrace to civilisation. I know of -no more painful sight than the picture of old CR[OE]SUS paying the -hall-porter to put him down for a dozen places. I am delighted when -those twelve positions end in blanks, or starters out of the running. -And nearly as unpleasant an incident is the tableau of young JONES -taking a pound chance at the same fatal lottery. Put it down, _Mr. -Punch_; put it down. I repeat, "the Club Sweep" is unworthy of the -civilisation of the close of the nineteenth century. Once more, Sir, -put it down. - - Yours, most truly, - - AN OLD MEMBER OF THE HERCULES CLUB. - -P.S.--I am sure the thing is a mistake. Will you believe it, I have -put into my own sweep for the last thirty-five years, and have never -drawn a starter! Same luck this season! - - * * * * * - -From the New Sarum Note-Book. - - [Lord SALISBURY "believes the SULTAN to be a humane - man."--_Speech at Bradford._] - -LORD SALISBURY believes-- - -That RICHARD THE THIRD was a remarkably amiable man; especially kind -to children. - -That NERO was the gentlest creature that ever breathed, except -CALIGULA. - -That HENRY THE EIGHTH was a gentle, unassuming person; most religious -and domesticated; in fact, a model husband, and the sort of man that -"wouldn't harm a biby." - - * * * * * - -ROUNDABOUT READINGS. - -The Hon. GEORGE CURZON and Miss LEITER (U.S.A.) have been married. -The State of Illinois is indignant. The two facts are more intimately -connected than might be supposed. Four days after the wedding a -resolution was introduced into the State Legislature of Illinois by a -Mr. MCCARTHY, requesting the daughters of Illinois "not to accept -the hand in marriage of any person who is not a citizen of the United -States, as we are of opinion that the daughters of Illinois should -be patriotic in their views, and should disregard the title of any -foreigner, and marry none but a citizen of the United States." It is -stated that the resolution "was referred to the Committee on Federal -Relations." Surely a Committee on domestic relations or on titled -relations would have been more appropriate. - - * * * * * - -The Illinois State Legislature obviously has novel ideas of its -legislative duties. Imagine an English County Council treating -seriously such fantastic rubbish as Mr. MCCARTHY brought before the -law-makers of his State. Would it not be more to the point to look -after the sons of Illinois, and to keep the hue of their resolution up -to the mark? If they are laggards in love, who shall blame the British -aristocrat for wooing with success the daughters of Illinois, -whom their compatriot suitors abandon? Or again, if titles are so -irresistible an attraction to the fair, why not establish titles in -Illinois, and thus give the Earl of BANGS or the Marquis SALTONTALE -that seductive influence which is apparently lacking to plain ZEDEKIAH -B. BANGS, and to the unadorned JONATHAN K. SALTONTALE. For it is -obviously better that the daughters of Illinois should marry than -that they should waste away with an unbridaled (let the spelling pass) -desire for a title. - - * * * * * - -At Oxford on Wednesday last the University beat Somerset by one -wicket, mainly owing to the admirable batting of Mr. H. D. G. LEVESON -GOWER, popularly known as "The Shrimp." - - To the batsmen of Oxford, who looked very limp, - Father Neptune was kind when he gave them a Shrimp: - For a Shrimp on the grass is most worthy of rhyme, - When he makes a firm stand, but gets runs all the time. - - * * * * * - -The inhabitants of Christmas Street in Bristol want to have their -thoroughfare laid with wood paving. At present, according to an -indignant correspondent, "the pitching in the street is so bad that it -is positively dangerous for vehicular traffic ... but the risk to life -and limb are entirely subservient to the parsimonious policy of -our Bristol Sanitary Authority." Might I suggest Yule logs as an -appropriate pavement for Christmas Street? Certainly this accident -policy of the Bristol Sanitary Authority ought to be allowed to lapse. - - * * * * * - -I gather from a letter in the _Freeman's Journal_ that Bray is not -being well treated by the Bray Township Commissioners. "If Bray is -to march with the times," says the writer, "and keep pace with the -laudable efforts of our Tourist Development Association," something -must be done to improve the walk round Bray Head. The picture of Bray -keeping pace and marching with the times by walking round its own head -is too confusing for the intelligence of the dense Saxon. - - * * * * * - -An article in the _Scotsman_ declares that "a great laxity of costume -is characteristic of modern Oxford." Straw hats and brown boots appear -to abound everywhere. It is added that "Bowlers are already beginning -to be preserved as relics of a bygone race." This will be glorious -news for the Cambridge Eleven, for a merely preserved bowler cannot be -very dangerous. - - * * * * * - -From a recent issue of the _Freeman's Journal_ I extract the following -letter, which, it must be admitted, "makes both sides right" with a -clearness that leaves nothing to be desired. Note, too, the writer's -natural vexation at the idea that he "assisted the constable":-- - - TO THE EDITOR Of THE FREEMAN. - - _114, Lower Clanbrassil Street, Dublin, May 14, 1895._ - - SIR,--With reference to your issue of the 13th inst., and the - stolen tea from one of the London and Northern-Western vans, I - beg leave to state that I in no way assisted the constable in - the arrest of the prisoner, as you state; neither was there - any necessity for me doing so, as he had sufficient help along - with him at the time. But I did help the driver of the waggon - when on the ground to recover his feet and get back to his - waggon with the tea in question. My reasons for doing so were - as follows--first, being a van driver myself, and I might say - has been such all my lifetime, and knowing that when goods are - stolen from any van in nine cases out of every ten the driver - of such a van has to make good the same and be put under - stoppages although no fault of his. Secondly, when I came on - the scene the driver of the waggon seemed to be getting the - worst of it, as the offender had two others helping him. - If someone did not interfere, therefore, under those - circumstances and to protect the interest of my - fellow-workers, as I am always ready to do, I interfered, and - under no other.--Hoping you will kindly insert this in your - next issue and make both sides right, and thanking you for the - same, I remain your humble servant, - - HENRY PRENDERGAST. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: ALL THE COMFORTS OF A HOME. - -_Britannia_ (_to His Highness Nasrulla Khan_). "DELIGHTED TO SEE YOU, -FOR YOUR DEAR FATHER'S SAKE!"] - - * * * * * - -THE BOULD SOGER BOYS AT ISLINGTON. - -STAGE-MANAGERS Lieut.-Col. TULLY with Lieut.-Col. TILLOTSON and -Colonel ONSLOW, not to mention their talented assistants headed by -Captain DANN, Master of Ring, have given us a real good show. The -Olympian BOSSY KIRALFY must be anxiously awaiting the return of the -natives from Islington to Kensington, and Sir DRURIOLANUS must have -owned that the military managers have run him very close as a master -of crowds and of thrilling dramatic situations. Who would not rush -out to fight Zulus, or any other savages, to stirring sounds of First -Horse Guards' band, and cheered by all sorts and kinds of inspiriting -music? You march to a popular song, you build bridge to polka, you -make zerebas to the lilt of a waltz, you charge to a galop, and you -return victorious to the National Anthem! Hurrah for the life of a -soldier, at Islington! - -[Illustration] - -Here the Art of Artillery Driving can be seen to perfection: three -times round, clear posts and out again to deafening cheers. Bayonet -exercise of Second Battalion Scots Guards is full of point; while -the display made by Gymnastic Staff of Egyptian Army shows how our -soldiers can advance by leaps and bounds. Excellent device! Enemy -dumbfounded and bothered to see our athletic warriors jumping over one -another's heads, turning somersaults, and finally heaping themselves -up into pyramids--a real Egyptian puzzle this--with hero at apex -waving flag. Why, a whole army of fiercest enemies would take to their -heels rather than fight with these dancing dragoons, and hosts of -Mussulmans would flee before such men of muscle. For these tactics no -arms required except those already naturally belonging to the corps. -So inexpensive! Yet to these merry infants-in-arms the art of war is -no child's-play. - -The new effects, and one among the numerous attractions, is the Grand -Historical Military Pageant, performed with the greatest success by -the 3rd King's Own Hussars and the Buffs. Nothing buffo about the -Buffs. They appear as Cavalier cavalry and infantry pikemen of JAMES -THE SECOND'S time, and as cavalry and infantry from that date down -through the Georgian period to the present day. The great change is -noticeable in the hair, from long flowing curls and periwigs to the -short crop of THOMAS ATKINS. Altogether a brilliant success, and -should bring in a handsome amount for the benefit of the Military -Charities, to whose funds this show makes an invaluable contribution. - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -"HONOURS EASY."--The _St. James's Gazette_ suggests that if leading -play-actors are to be knighted, why not principal music-hall -singers? Well, not yet; as the chief music-hall singer is already "A -CHEVALIER." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Youngster_ (_who has just had a Penny given to him_) -"'OW MUCH IS THEM GRAPES, MISTER?" - -_Shopkeeper_ (_amused_). "THEY ARE FOUR SHILLINGS AND SIXPENCE A -POUND, MY LAD." - -_Youngster._ "WELL, THEN, GIVE US A 'A'PORTH O' _CARROTS_. I'M A -_DEMON_ FOR _FRUIT!_"] - - * * * * * - -A DERBY DIALOGUE. - -SCENE--_In Town._ JONES _meets_ BROWN. - -_Jones._ Going to Epsom? - -_Brown._ No, I think not. Fact is, the place gets duller year by year. -The train has knocked the fun out of the road. - -_Jones._ Such a waste of time. Why go in a crowd to see some horses -race, when you can read all about it in evening papers? - -_Brown._ Just so. No fun. No excitement. And the Downs are wretched if -it rains or snows. - -_Jones._ Certainly. The luncheon, too, is all very well; but, after -all, it spoils one's dinner. - -_Brown._ Distinctly. And champagne at two o'clock is premature. - -_Jones._ And lobster-salad undoubtedly indigestible. So it's much -better not to go to the Derby--in spite of the luncheon. - -_Brown._ Yes,--in spite of the luncheon. - -_Two hours pass. Scene changes to Epsom._ - -_Jones._ Hullo! You here? - -_Brown._ Hullo! And if it comes to that, you here, too? - -_Jones._ Well, I really found so little doing in town that I thought I -might be here as well as anywhere else. - -_Brown._ Just my case. Not that there's much to see or do. Silly as -usual. - -_Jones._ Quite. Always said the Derby was a fraud. But I am afraid, my -dear fellow, I must hurry away, as I have got to get back to my party -for luncheon. - -_Brown._ So have I. - - [_Exeunt severally._ - - * * * * * - -GREAT AND DESERVED SUCCESS.--LYCEUM.--The First Knight!! Sir -HENRY IRVING in an entirely new character. _Mr. Punch's_ sincere -congratulations. - - * * * * * - -BOOKMAKERS ON THE BEACH. - -(_A Sketch at a Sea-side Race-Meeting._) - - SCENE--_The Sands at Baymouth, where some pony and horse races - are being run. By the Grand Stand, and under the wall of - the esplanade, about a dozen bookmakers, perched on old - packing-cases, are clamouring with their customary energy. The - public, however, for some reason seems unusually deaf to - their blandishments and disinclined for speculation, and the - bookmakers, after shouting themselves hoarse with little or no - result, are beginning to feel discouraged._ - -_Bookmakers_ (_antiphonally_). Evens on the field! Three to one bar -one! Five to one bar two! Six to one bar one! Even money _Beeswing!_ -Six to one _Popgun!_ Come on 'ere. Two to one on the field! What do -you want to _do?_ - - [_The public apparently want to look another way._ - -_First Bookmaker_ (_to_ Second Bookmaker). Not much 'ere to-day! -Shawn't get no roast baked and biled this journey, eh? - -_Second B._ (_with deep disgust_). They ain't _got_ no money! -Baymouth's going down. Why, this might be a bloomin' Sunday-school -treat! Blest if I believe they know what we're 'ere _for!_ - -_Third B._ (_after pausing to refresh himself, sardonically to_ Fourth -Bookmaker). De-lightful weather, WILLIAM! - -_William_ (_in a similar tone of irony_). What a glorious day, PERCY! -Sech a treat to see all the people enjoyin' theirselves without any o' -the silly speculation yer _do_ find sometimes on occasions like this! -(_He accepts the bottle his friend passes, and drinks._) 'Ere's better -luck to us all! - -_Fifth B._ (_pathetically_). Don't leave your little FREDDY out! -(_They DON'T leave their little FREDDY out._) Cheer up, WILLIAM, there -'s 'appier days in store; there'll be Jersey comin' soon. We'll be orf -to the sunny south! (_To a stranger who comes up to him._) Why, Uncle, -you don't say it's you! How _well_ you're looking! Shake 'ands and -'ave a bit on, jest for ole sake's sake! (_The stranger proceeds to -introduce himself as the_ Secretary, _and to demand a fee._) What! -pay you five shillins for standin' 'ere wastin' my time and voice like -this? Not me! Why, I aint took two blessed sorcepans since I bin -'ere! (_The_ Secretary _remains firm._) I won't do it, my boy. Not on -_prinserple_, I won't. I wouldn't give you five shillins not if your -tongue was 'anging down on to your boots--so there! (_The_ Secretary -_does not attempt so violent an appeal to his better nature, but calls -a police-inspector._) 'Ere, I'd sooner git down and chuck the show -altogether; jest to mark my contempt for such goings on! (_He descends -from his box; takes down his sign, unscrews his pole, folds up his -professional triptych, and departs in a state of virtuous indignation -only to be expressed by extreme profanity, while the_ Secretary -_proceeds unmoved to collect payments from the others; who eventually -compromise the claims for half-a-crown._) - -_Mr. Sam Satchell_ (_"from Southampton"_). Now then, you gentlemen -and aristocratic tradesmen, where _are_ you all? Don't any o' you know -_anything?_ Come on 'ere. (_He stops an elderly rustic._) You've got a -fancy, I can see! (_The rustic denies the impeachment, grinning._) Git -along with yer, yer artful ole puss, then, and don't keep gentlemen -away as wants to bet! (_To a Yeomanry trooper._) Come along, my ole -soldier-boy, give it a name! (_His old soldier-boy declines to give it -any name, and passes on._) Call yerself a warrior bold, and afraid o' -riskin' 'alf-a-crown! Why, yer Queen and country orter be ashamed o' -yer! (_As a young farmer in riding-gaiters come up, with the evident -intention of business._) Ah, _you_ don't forget the old firm, I -see.... What, four to one not good enough for you? You won't get no -better odds, go where you _like!_ I suppose you expeck me to make you -a present o' the money? (_The farmer moves on._) I dunno what's _come_ -to 'em all. _I_ never see nothing like it in all _my_ life! - -IN THE GRAND STAND. - -_A Glib Person, in a tall hat_ (_as he picks his way up and down -the benches, the occupants of which treat him with tolerant -indifference_). I'm not a bookmaker, ladies and gentlemen; don't have -that impression of me for a moment! I'm simply an amateur, and an -independent gentleman o' means, like any of yourselves. You all know -more than _I_ do. I don't come 'ere with any intention o' winning your -money--far from it. I'm wishful to settle and live among you. I may -eventually put up as your member; and, if so, when I take my place -in Parliament I shall be in a position to testify that the Baymouth -people are extremely cautious as to the manner in which they invest -their money on 'orse-racin'! Yes, I'm 'ere on beyarf of the Sporting -League, just to prove how free a meeting like this is from the evils -o' gambling. I don't come 'ere to _rob_ yer. I want yer all to win. -I like to see yer bright and shining faces around me; I like the -friverolity and reckereation and the conviverality of the thing, -that's all. I'll tell yer how it is. I've a rich ole aunt, and she -puts fifty pound into my 'ands, and sez, "Jacky," she sez, "I love -those dear Baymouth people, and I want you to take this 'ere money and -lay it out among 'em in moieties, and make 'em rich and 'appy." You -can see for yourselves. I've no tickets and no parryfernalia, excep' -this little pocket-book, where I enter any bets you honour me -with. Come, Miss, win a pair o' those three-and-sixpenny gloves at -CHICKERELL'S, the ex-Mayor's, to oblige _me!_ Did I tread on your -corn, Sir? I assure you it was the last thing I intended.... "You -knew I'd do it afore I'd done?" ... Well, Sir, if you've sech a gift -o' seeing into futoority as that, why not make something out of it -now? Three to one bar one. _Kitty_ _I_'m barring. Thank _you_, -Sir; 'alf-a-crown to seven and six on _Sportsman_. I tell you -candidly--you've got the winner. The favourite won't win. Now, then, -all you others, where's your Baymouth pluck? I orfered you thirty to -one _Beeswing_ last race; and you wouldn't take it. And _Beeswing_ -won, and you lost the chance o' making yer fortunes. Don't blame _me_ -if the same thing 'appens again. I'm on'y bettin', as I told you, for -my own amusement, and to get rid o' the money! (_&c., &c._) - -[Illustration: "Why the blazes don't ye take it?"] - -_Mr. Sam Satchell_ (_whom the apathy of the public has apparently -reduced to a state of defiant buffoonery_). Even money _Daredevil_, -you rascals! And why the blazes don't ye take it? Come on. I'll take -two little bits o' twos that _Kitty_ don't win! Four to one against -ole bread-and-butter _Tommy_, over there in the corner! Eleven and -a 'alf to three quarters to two against _Kitty_. "What har the Wild -Waves say-hay-ing?" Two _Kitties_ to three _Daredevils_ against a -bloomin' goat-chaise! On the Baymouth Durby I'm bettin'! - -AT THE CLOSE OF THE LAST RACE. - - _Three horses have started; the favourite has led to the turn - and then bolted up the shingle, but, as the tide has come in - and almost covered the course, and the other two horses by - declining to face the water have let him in again, he wins - after an exciting finish, up to the girths in sea-water; and - such bookmakers as have succeeded in obtaining patronage are - paying up with as much cheerfulness as they can command._ - -_First Bookmaker_ (_to eager backer_). Wait a bit, my boy, wait -a _bit_, the number hasn't gone up yet, my son. Where's your -ticket--forty-two? (_His clerk refers to book._) That's _Squibbs_. -I pay over _winners_--not losers. (_To the public._) Come along and -fetch your money, the bullion's 'ere! (_To another backer._) What was -yours--threes? ("Fours _I_'ve got," _from his clerk_.) Why don't yer -arst for what you're entitled to, instead o' makin' me arst my clurk -what your bet was? There's your money--take it and go! - - [_The backer departs wealthier but abashed._ - -_Second B._ I'm payin' over that 'ard-run race, gentlemen, men and -'orses exhorsted! I'm payin' over _Susan_--dear ole Suseyhanner! who -wants their money? The Bank o' England's 'ere, gentlemen, Mr. FRANKIE -FAIRPRICE and his ole friend, who's always by his side and never -looses 'im! - -_Third B._ (_who has had to borrow largely from his brethren to meet -his engagements_). Are you all done now? (_To the crowd._) Then I'll -wish yer good afternoon, thank ye all for yer comp'ny, but you've bin -bloomin' bad fun to-day, and you don't ketch me playin' Patience on a -monument at any more o' yer blanky sand'oppin' 'andicaps, that's all! - - [_However, the local newspaper reports next day that "A number - of the sporting fraternity were in attendance to do business, - and apparently carried on a brisk and profitable trade"--which - only shows how difficult it is for the casual observer to form - an accurate opinion._ - - * * * * * - -OPERATIC NOTES. - -_Monday._--Crowded house: all charmed with everything and everybody in -_Fra Diavolo_. Somebody in grand tier so ecstatically pleased, that, -unable any longer to control impulsive movement, he (or she) hurls -into the air leather lorgnette case, which, descending at an angle, -clears the Prince of WALES'S elbow by a few inches, and startles -musical enthusiast who, seated at corner of third row of stalls, is at -that moment wrapped up in the opera, and thus protected against most -external dangers. A thrill went through the house! is it a "B-o-m-b" -bomb? BEVIGNANI, pausing, _bâton_ in air, gives the horrorstruck -singers and concealed orchestra (to whom pause is inexplicable) a -few notes rest. Then corner (stall) man picks up lorgnette case, -fortunately empty; whereupon the Bold BEVIGNANI'S _bâton_ is once more -in motion, and everyone is "as they were." ARIMONDI and PINI-CORSI -earn a big encore for duet and dance. Mr. DAVID BISPHAM with Madame -AMADI, as _Milor'_ and _Miladi_, speaking English and queer Italian, -do good service. _Fra Diavolo-Lucia_ excellent, and Miss MARIE ENGLE -(who naturally quite understood _Milor'_ and _Miladi_ when speaking -Engelish) a charming, sprightly _Zerlina_. Revival decided hit. - -[Illustration] - -_Wednesday._--VERDI'S opera, _Falstaff_. Some charming music in it; -otherwise dull opera. Impossible to put _Falstaff_ himself, singing -or speaking, on any stage. Actor or singer invariably over-weighted. -ZELIE DE LUSSAN, looking like _Jessica_, sings _Anne Page's_ music -charmingly. SHAKSPEARE created "sweet ANNE PAGE" the daughter of _Mrs. -Page_. Why then, in the opera, is she put into the FORD family? I -refer to the "Characters" in the book of the opera, where I find -"_Mistress Ford_," and "_Anne, her daughter_." GIULIA RAVOGLI a -sprightly _Dame Quickly_; PAULINE JORAN a lively _Mistress Ford_; and -Signor DE LUCIA an amiable _Fenton_, "with a song." - -_Friday._--House not absolutely crowded to hear _Carmen_. Is _Carmen_ -a bit "off"? Yet nothing better than performance of ZELIE DE LUSSAN -as gay and wicked heroine. Little _Don José de Lucia_ first-rate, and -ANCONA winning encore for old friend _Toréador_. MARIE ENGLE -excellent goody-goody contrast to bold, bad _Carmen_. Police-constable -BEVIGNANI, _bâton_ in hand, severe when on the beat. In honour of -QUEEN'S Birthday, Sir DRURIOLANUS troupe-ing _Il Trovatore's_ operatic -colours at Windsor Castle. It ought to have been, appropriately, -_Falstaff_. - -_Saturday._--_Faust._ "House full." _The_ Princess and Princesses -present. MELBA'S "Jewel song" a gem. M. PLANÇON, whose name, Britishly -pronounced, suggests "Mr. PLAIN-SONG," rather ecclesiastical -than diabolical, a highly-coloured but generally effective -_Mephistopheles_. Mdlle. BRAZZI appears to-night as "the new woman" -in the part of _Siebel_. "She rouses enthusiasm," quoth WAGSTAFF, "no -Siebil-lation." _Exeunt omnes._ - - * * * * * - -THE DISCOVERY OF LONDON. - -_Interviewer._ As a keen student of your fascinating works, permit me -to render to you my respectful homage. - -_Distinguished Foreigner in London._ Certainly. I observe that you -speak the French of the capital with fluency. - -_Int._ You flatter me. I am only an ordinary journalist. Possibly you -prefer to converse in our local language? - -[Illustration] - -_D. F._ On the contrary, I have only recently acquired the English -word, "Yes." Curiously enough, this is my first voyage of discovery -to your shores. I had, of course, often heard of England, and your -literature is not unfamiliar to me. My secretary reads to me the works -of your popular poet, ROBERT BROWNING. - -_Int._ Do you not, with your--er--limited knowledge, if I may so say, -of our language, find that writer's meaning somewhat obscure? - -_D. F._ Oh no; for my secretary translates him into idiomatic French -verse at sight. - -_Int._ M. ZOLA has also only recently discovered us. How do your -novelists find the necessary models for their English types? - -_D. F._ Nothing simpler. Tradition, _voilà tout_. The Englishwoman, -with her large feet, projecting teeth, and execrable French--we know -her because we have always known her. It is not necessary to have seen -her in the flesh. Indeed, it is only a marvel to me that I find the -type so rare in its own country. - -_Int._ Might I dare to ascribe such traditional views to the prejudice -of ignorance? Your Press, I believe, does not educate itself by -foreign travel. - -_D. F._ I cannot speak for others, but personally, if I do not offend -the laws of courtesy by saying this in the city whose hospitality I -now enjoy, I detest your race. I regard you as insular. - -_Int._ We cannot, of course, help being born on an island. But we -correct this defect by constant visits to the mainland, and from these -we have learnt a profound respect for the tastes of our neighbours. - -_D. F._ I am greatly gratified by this. Nothing has impressed me so -favourably here as your cordial appreciation of our people. I met a -distinguished British novelist who was actually acquainted with the -literature of my own Provence! - -_Int._ May I ask what other features of our comparatively inaccessible -island have attracted your notice? - -_D. F._ Above all things else, the sinister silence of your city. On -the Stock Exchange, down Cheapside, among vendors of journals, you can -hear a pin drop. Everywhere the taciturnity of the tomb. - -_Int._ And what of our institutions and types? - -_D. F._ Nothing has impressed me so deeply as the Great Wheel at -Earl's Court. It is a monument of national ardour and aspiration. -This, and Mr. STANLEY, and your guardsmen, and your way of cooking -meat, have left the most indelible impression upon my sentiment and -constitution. I dislike the last two of them. - -_Int._ In cooking, we freely yield you the saucepan. But how has our -military given you offence? - -_D. F._ I object to the size of its chest, and its manner of occupying -the pavement. I have seen a guardsman in Whitehall against whom, in -the heyday of my youth, I should indubitably have projected my person. - -_Int._ It would have been a rash and perhaps irreparable act. But tell -me more. Kindly hold up once again the veracious mirror, that we may -see ourselves as others see us. We are so apt to be blind to our own -national defects, unless the impartial observer, like yourself, throws -a flood of light upon our idiosyncrasies. - -_D. F._ I should like a few more days in which to complete my study, -and verify my anticipations, of your interesting city. Meanwhile, let -me refer you to M. GABRIEL MOUREY'S new work--_Passé le Détroit_. The -Ulysses of our century, he has gained a wide knowledge of your race, -having been a fearless traveller in _L'Underground_, and seen some -of your most typical fogs. You may learn much from him. He is read -eagerly at home, where the thirst for books of romantic travel and -exploration grows hourly. I wish you the good day. _Yes._ - - * * * * * - -A TEETOTAL TIP.--How to Live Long--Never take "something short." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SCENE--_A Restaurant near Leicester Square._ - -_Jones._ "OH--ER--GARSONG, REGARDEZ EECEE--ER--APPORTEZ-VOO -LE--LA----" - -_Waiter._ "BEG PARDON, SIR. I DON'T KNOW FRENCH!" - -_Jones._ "THEN, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, SEND ME SOMEBODY WHO _DOES!_"] - - * * * * * - -'ARRY ON DERBY DAY. - - DEAR CHARLIE,--Are _you_ going down? What a pooty blarmed world - this 'as got, - With its CHANTS, and its Anti-Sport Leagues, Local Hoption, and - other dashed rot. - Wot _is_ Libberty comin' to, CHARLIE? 'Ere's 'ARRY leg-lagged to - his stool, - Because his new Gaffer's a Hawkeite, as means a old-fossilised fool. - - The young 'un whose crib I succeeded to skinned the old bloke's - petty cash - In backing of wrong 'uns last year, as of course was most reckless - and rash. - But wy should _I_ suffer along of it? Wy must he drop upon _me_ - Who wanted the Derby Day off--for cremating my poor uncle G.? - - Smelt a rat, the old Smelfungus did, and he lectured me, too, like - old boots, - Saying, Sport wos a Youpass tree, CHARLIE, and lying wos one of - its fruits. - He's a reglar front-row Anti-Gambler, a foe of Mirth, Music, and - Malt, - As would 'ave them lay Tattersall's level, and sow Hepsom - race-course with salt. - - I'd arranged with a sporting greengrocer, and BOODLE a smart local - Bung, - To tool down by road with a trotter. Us three would 'ave gone a - rare splung, - And _I_ ain't missed a Derby this five year. And now all along of - old hunks - Instead of sweepstaking for winners, I'm making out bills for - hair-trunks. - - It's beastly, dear boy, and no bottles. I landed on _Ladas_ last - year, - And I've got such a cert. for to-day, as I _couldn't_ go wrong - on--no fear! - Oh, laylocks and lemonade, CHARLIE! it do give yours truly the 'ump - To think I must miss such a treat, all along of that precious old - pump. - - The whizz o' the wheels makes mad music, old man, in this dingy - old den, - Where only the tick of the clock, and the scrape of my spiky steel - pen, - Measure hout the monotonous 'ours, while friend Bung and young - Greens are agog. - 'Midst the clatter and clink of the course, and the yelp of the - old Derby Dog. - - I can smell the sweet whiff of their baccy, can taste the cold - chickin' an' 'am, - And see the fine salmon-hued sparkle of Bung's Jerryboam of Cham. - I _know_ Greens will do it to rights; I am _sure_ a safe winner - I'd spot, - And my anti-gambling old Gaffer 'as spiled the whole splurge! - _Ain't_ it rot? - - Them plaguey philanterpists, CHARLIE, are turning the world - upsidown! - A cove musn't lap arf-a-pint, and a cove mustn't lay arf-a-crown! - It's Weto all over the shop, CHARLIE! But wot _I_ always remarks,-- - Philanterpy seems to shine mostly in Wetoing _other_ folks larks! - - Well, I'm off down the road, mate, to Clapham, or wot not, to see - 'em return. - My cert. 'asn't come off, I 'ear, so I've dropped arf the screw as - I earn - By my six days of nose-to-the-grinstone of Gaffer. He'd larf if he - knowed. - But if it ain't _his_ bloomin' fault for his sport-'ating 'umbug, - I'm blowed. - - _Sport?_ Sport's in the blood of a gentleman! Cocktails ain't fly - to the fun - Of landing a bit off a pal. Lor! a bet, on a 'orse or a gun, - Mykes friendship and life reglar flavoursome! 'Ow could your true - sportsman care - For a drive through green lanes to the Derby without a small - flutter when there? - - Too late for the flutter to-night, but the Clapham laburnums are - out; - There are plenty of pubs on that road, to the Wetoist's 'orror, no - doubt. - I am sure to meet lots of old pals, full of fun and good stuff as - they'll carry, - And if we don't 'ave Derby larks, spite o' Gaffers and HAWKES, I - ain't, 'ARRY. - - * * * * * - -Derby Dampers. - -Having no invitation to join a company on a drag. Having no money to -pay for a railway ticket to the course. Having no friends rich enough -or rash enough to advance a trifle on account. Having no notion of -the betting and no knowledge of the horses engaged. Having no time, no -money, and last, but not least, no inclination. - - * * * * * - -"ALL NODDIN'."--The _Western Daily Mercury_ records that the New Woman -has broken out in a new place--as A Lady Auctioneer. Woman at all -times has known how to go it hammer and tongs. Advanced Femininity -drops the tongs, but sticks to the hammer. Formerly man was often gone -on fair woman--rather expected of him. The lady now prefers to do the -"Going, going, gone," herself. Awful vistas opened up. Will a wink be -as good as a nod to the Lady Auctioneer? Will "dinner eyes" have to -yield to "auction winks"? A for-bidding prospect. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A DOUBTFUL "STAYER." - -L-BBY. "YOU AIN'T GOT MUCH OF A MOUNT, GUV'NOR!" - -R-S-B-RY. "P'R'APS NOT,--BUT I'LL RIDE HIM FOR ALL HE'S WORTH!"] - - * * * * * - -THE SCARLET PARASOL. - -SCENE II.--_Drawing-room. Windows opening on to Terrace. Ladies -alone._ - -_Muriel_ (_to_ VIOLA). CLAUDE MIGNON has been saying that I am the -only woman he has ever loved! - -_Viola._ Exactly what he says to me! - -_Muriel._ Is it a boast--or a confession? - -_Viola_ (_quietly_). It is a lie, that's all. But what did ALAN ROY -say? He didn't speak to me. - -_Muriel._ He says you have a far-away look in your eyes. - -_Viola_ (_eagerly_). Yes? I did my best! - -_Muriel_ (_simply_). So I told him you wanted to have a secret in your -life--a romance. He seemed very much interested. - -_Viola._ Oh, MURIEL! How could you? _How_ silly of you! I am very -angry indeed. - -_Muriel_ (_calmly_). Why, VIOLA? ALBERT is getting accustomed to his -being grown-up, and CLAUDE to his being so young. They all like him -immensely. But I think they will be glad when he goes away. - - [_Enter gentlemen._ - -_Claude_ (_talking to_ ALAN). Yes, I felt I had something to say--and -I said it--in one volume. - -_Alan._ There is no mistake so fatal as to write because one has -something to say. - -_Claude._ How about _Robinson Crusoe_, _Don Quixote_---- - -_Alan._ I am afraid I never read them. I couldn't read till I was -ten--and then I read dear HERBERT SPENCER. - - [_He tries to join_ VIOLA _and passes_ Mrs. AVERIDGE, _who - moves to leave room for him on the sofa, and smiles_. - -_Alan_ (_standing by the sofa_). Weren't the flowers quite sweet on -the table to-night, Mrs. AVERIDGE? - -_Mrs. Averidge_ (_trying to be original_). I can't bear flowers. - -_Alan._ What _do_ you like, Mrs. AVERIDGE? - -_Mrs. Averidge_ (_looking out of the window_). Oh--trees, I think. - -_Alan._ What! on the table! (_He escapes, and joins_ VIOLA.) Is that -the moon outside, Mrs. TRAVERS? - -_Viola_ (_gazing at it intensely_). I think it is. - -_Alan._ Shall we go and see? - - [_They move out on to the terrace._ - -_Muriel_ (_sitting next to_ Mrs. AVERIDGE). Isn't ALAN ROY a little -dear? - -_Mrs. Averidge_ (_spitefully_). So your sister seems to think. I had -no idea she was so fond of children. - -_Muriel._ He has such pretty ways! That new shade of blue is very -fashionable, Mrs. AVERIDGE. But it's a little _trying_ to you, do you -know? You don't mind my saying so, do you? [_Amenities continue._ - -_Mr. Averidge._ It's perfectly amazing! That boy knows everything. He -talks politics---- - -_Claude._ He's a staunch Tory! - -_Mr. Averidge._ Literature---- - -_Claude._ He tells me he's not a Romanticist; he cares only for the -Classics. - -_Mr. Averidge._ Art---- - -_Claude_ (_resigned_). He dismisses Symbolism with a word, smiles at -Impressionism as old-fashioned, but speaks most kindly both of MILLAIS -and WHISTLER. He calls them "poor dears." I _think_ that was the -phrase. I won't be sure, but I think so. - -_Mr. Averidge._ Yes, he's astounding. - - [_Ponders._ - -_Claude_ (_to_ MURIEL). Aren't we going to have some music? How I -should like you to play those chants to me again! Won't you, Miss -VANE? I _love_ sacred music so. - -_Muriel._ Yes; with pleasure. VIOLA has had my organ put in the -billiard-room, to be out of the way. - - [_Rises._ - -_Claude_ (_as he and_ MURIEL _go into the billiard-room_). The -worst point about these clever boys is that they are so cynical! No -sentiment--no heart! - - [_Continues ad lib._ - - _On the Terrace._ - -_Alan_ (_to_ VIOLA). You have very wonderful eyes, Mrs. TRAVERS, -haven't you? - -_Viola._ Have I? - -_Alan._ You know you have. Do you believe in palmistry? - -_Viola._ I think I do. Do you? - -_Alan._ I don't know whether I believe in it, I _like_ it.... Your -line of life.... - - [_Continues ad lib._ - - _In the Drawing-room._ - -_Albert._ That boy is bewildering! He flits over every subject under -the sun! Have a game of piquet, AVERIDGE? - - [_They play piquet._ - - _In the Billiard-room._ MURIEL _playing the organ_. CLAUDE _by - her side trying to look like_ DICKSEE'S _picture, "Harmony."_ - -_Claude._ Do you ever have that curious feeling that you are doing -exactly what you have done before, hearing--seeing something for the -second time? - -_Muriel._ Oh, yes! continually! I felt it during the whole of dinner! - -_Claude._ Do you think it shows we knew each other in a previous -existence, Miss VANE? - -_Muriel._ No. I am afraid it only shows that you sometimes repeat -yourself. - - [_She smiles._ - -_Claude._ How can you be so unkind, and yet look such a perfect angel! - -_Muriel._ I feel exactly like St. Cecilia when I am playing the organ. - -_Claude._ And _I_ feel like St. Anthony, Miss VANE. - - _On the Terrace._ - -_Alan._ To get right away from people, to take a drive together, and -bathe our heads in the golden sunlight! In secret! Do--_do_ let us, -Mrs. TRAVERS! - -[Illustration: "Bathing her head in the golden sunlight."] - -_Viola._ It _would_ be nice! ALBERT is going to town for the day, and -the AVERIDGES are going for an excursion.... But what could we drive -in? - -_Alan._ Oh, _I_ will arrange that. I will hire a dog-cart in the -village; and we must meet in a lane, or a field, or something. And you -must say you have been to teach the orphan boy to sew or something. It -would be too sweet! - -_Viola._ But--Master ROY---- - -_Alan._ _Don't_ call me Master ROY. Call me ALAN--when no one is -listening. - -_Viola._ ALAN--wouldn't it be much simpler, merely to say we were -going for a drive, and to order the carriage? - -_Alan._ Then where's your mystery? - -_Viola._ Very well! Then _mind_ you don't tell anyone! - -_Alan._ Not tell anyone, Mrs. TRAVERS! But what's the use of a secret -if one doesn't tell it to everyone? - -_Viola._ Oh! - -_Alan._ I was only joking, dear Mrs. TRAVERS. At three, then.... -Sh-sh! (_He picks up her fan with the air of a conspirator._) If I -think of anything else, I'll write a little note, and put it under the -clock on that mantelpiece. Shall I? - -_Viola._ What fun! But would it be safe? - -_Alan._ Would you rather we corresponded in the _Times_ about it, Mrs. -TRAVERS? - -_Viola._ You're making fun of the whole thing. - - [_She pouts, &c. He shows by her Line of Fate that all will be - well._ - -_Mrs. Averidge_ (_to herself_). Well of all the dull houses I ever -stayed at!... Piquet in the drawing-room, chants in the billiard-room, -palmistry with Infant Phenomenons on the Terrace!... It's quite -true, too, what that affected little VANE girl said--the colour _is_ -trying.... I'll never come here again! - - [_Retires to her room in disgust._ - - * * * * * - -"HECKLING."--At a meeting of the supporters of Mr. MURRAY, Master -of Elibank, the Liberal candidate for West Edinburgh, the following -"heckle" took place:-- - - "_Mr. Guy._ Seeing you approve of Home Rule all round, what - is the smallest number of Parliaments the United Kingdom would - require? (_Laughter and a Voice:_ 'Send it back to Parliament - Square.') - - _The Master of Elibank._ I think that is a question which - can be settled by an ordinary addition sum. (_Cheers and - laughter._)" - -Which shows that the Master is a real Master of Arts as well as of -Elibank, and, as regards platform difficulties, good at getting out. -But whether he is equally good at "getting in" the future must decide. -A slippery customer, evidently, is Mr. MURRAY, and his title ought to -be "the Master of Eely-bank!" - - * * * * * - -A REAL "MAN OF THE TIMES."--_Mr. Punch_ congratulates Dr. W. H. -RUSSELL, endeared to his friends and companions-in-arms as "BILLY -RUSSELL," on his becoming Sir WILLIAM HOWARD RUSSELL, Knight of the -Pen. _Prosit!_ - - * * * * * - -SCOTCH JUNKETING.--A "Curd Fair" has been held, as usual, at -Kilmarnock, and the number of excursionists who left the town, both by -road and rail, is said to have been very large. Well, of course a Curd -Fair naturally leads to a number of whey-farers! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: ANIMAL SPIRITS ON DERBY DAY. - -(_With Apologies to W. Frith._)] - - * * * * * - -AFTER THE PLAY. - -_Junior Playgoer._ Why is it called _The Prude's Progress_. I didn't -see any Prude, did you? - -_Elderly Playgoer._ No; and no Progress. Slow. CYRIL MAUDE and FANNY -BROUGH quite the life and soul of the piece. - -_Jun. P._ High premium wanted to insure its life, eh? RIGHTON good all -round man? - -_Eld. P._ Very much all round. PLAYFAIR'S part recalled WYNDHAM -jotting down mems. on shirt-cuff. - -_Jun. P._ Yes; somehow it all reminded me of various pieces I've seen. - -_Eld. P._ Quite so. Remember old pantomime song?-- - - "A little piece here, and a little piece there, - Here a piece, and there a piece, - And everywhere a piece." - -_Jun. P._ And it might finish with author--no (_refers to -programme_)--authors, JEROME and PHILPOTT, singing-- - - "We are two merry, merry men, - Nobody precisely can find us out." - -_Eld. P._ Exactly. Good night old boy. Better luck next time. - - [_Exeunt severally._ - - * * * * * - -THAT TELEGRAM. - -(_Some Yildiz Comments on a Recent Editorial Exploit._) - -_Mashallah!_ Am I, the Full Moon That Blazeth in Heaven Like Anything, -to be bested by a Penny Journalist, a Feringhee Writer of the Thing -that is Not, a Gazetteer who is Ac-cust? Shall I, the Padishah Whose -Piano-playing Edifieth the Distant Constellations, submit to be -out-man[oe]uvred in my own particular line by an Unbelieving Dog, a -Giaour of Giaours? What though he be Lord of Lo Ben and of a Hundred -Press-carts, he shall learn that a Concocter of Copy is no match for -The Unspeakable One! _Inshallah!..._ What ho! Summon the Grand Vizier, -and let the Chief Bowstringer be in attendance! Bring in the medicated -coffee for one, and _rahat lakoum_ for two!... - -What saith the dog of a dragoman? The Infidel Frank refuseth the mark -of My very distinguished Favour, the Medjidieh of the Fourth Class? -Will not _that_ stop his accursed inquisitiveness? Or doth he wish for -an Osmanieh, set in brilliants? Ingleez though he be, he must have his -price!... No? He will _not_ take an Osmanieh, not even of the First -Class!! - -Ah, perhaps he will _give_, if he will not take? Times are hard, and -there is that Russian indemnity. Nay, it need but take the form of an -Irredeemable _Loan_, or a Mortgage on the flourishing revenues of -Our most prosperous province of Arabia Felix. We sorely need a new -ironclad or two, for Our boilers are rusting badly, and Our keels are -rotting beyond repair at their anchorage in the Bosphorus.... - -_What!?_ The alien unbeliever neither giveth nor taketh? And doth -not care one "snuff" (whatever that may mean) whether his telegram to -Europe in general, and the _P-ll M-ll G-z-tte_ in particular, goeth -or not? Verily, he knoweth not the rules of Oriental diplomacy. But -though the telegram shall not go, if we know it, the Sublime Porte -shall yet give the quill-driving outcast a lesson in shilly-shally and -hanky-panky. He shall know that the Commander of the Faithful is not -to be called an impotent Potentate (with a big P) in vain. We will sit -up all night, pretending to re-draft his telegram, and really -enjoying his discomfiture! "Impotent Potentate," indeed! Let the chief -telegraph-clerk be beheaded on the spot!... - - * * * * * - -"WHEEL AND WOE."--"A Word of Warning" to women bicyclists appeared -in the _St. James's Gazette_ last Friday, by "A Medical Man." Quite -right. This Round of Wheel is overdone. Instead of "Wheel," the Medico -cries "Woa!" - - * * * * * - -THE LOSS OF RICHMOND HILL. - -AIR--"_The Lass of Richmond Hill._" - - From Richmond Hill there is a view - As fair as Tempe's morn; - Its charms are such that sure by few - Their loss were calmly borne. - This view so sweet, no "Jerry" street - Must intercept or kill; - We all decline thus to resign, - The view from Richmond Hill! - - How happy would that builder be - Who'd call that plot his own! - His heart is fixed on lease and fee, - Ours on the view alone. - This view so sweet must rest complete, - For not with our good will - For villas fine will we resign - That view from Richmond Hill! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: FELINE AMENITIES. - -"ARE YOU GOING TO THE BROWNS' DANCE?" - -"NO. I HAVEN'T BEEN ASKED." - -"OH--I SUPPOSE IT'S QUITE A _YOUNG_ PEOPLE'S DANCE, YOU KNOW!"] - - * * * * * - -ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. - -EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. - -_House of Commons, Monday, May 20._--JAMES GALLOWAY WEIR is a sore man -the night. Ross and Cromarty hide their diminished head--or should it -be heads?--before the illuminated mountain tops of Inverness-shire. -THE MACGREGOR has done him at last, done him hopelessly. Since the -present Parliament met, he and THE MACGREGOR have run pretty evenly, -neck and neck in race to show what Scotland can do in this way when -it concentrates its mighty mind on the effort. In former times Ireland -had monopoly of the Crank as he was returned to Parliament. Scotch -Members preserved traditional reputation of their country as the -home of dour-headed businesslike men. WEIR standing alone would have -sufficed to tear this fable to tatters. THE MACGREGOR unaided -would have confounded the tradition. The combination of talent was -irresistible, overpowering in its force of conviction. - -Between these eminent men there has been, from the first, a feeling -of generous rivalry. THE MACGREGOR, as befitted the riper genius, has -been more successful in concealing it. Whenever he has put a question -about the Crofters, WEIR has managed to drop in with supplementary -inquiry. His name appearing in the report, watchful Scotia would take -note that THE MACGREGOR was not the only one of her sons who, in a -foreign land, cared for her interests. THE MACGREGOR, on the contrary, -not less loftily because without apparent design, ignored WEIR. -There is reason to believe he did not regard with fullest measure of -appreciation his intellectual capacity, his business aptitude, or his -parliamentary manner. - -"A puir creature!" he said, one night, staring straight up at the -gaslit roof. There was no one up there at the moment, and as this -happened to be the night when WEIR had eleven questions on the paper, -by way of showing his want of confidence in the Government, and was -approaching the ninth with ever deepening chest notes, there is too -much reason to fear that at that moment the Member for Inverness-shire -was not unconscious of the existence of the Member for Ross and -Cromarty. - -JAMES GALLOWAY'S boot-issuing and blood-curdling tones; his tragic -reiteration of the phrase, "Is the right hon. gentleman a Weir?" The -solemn sweep of his arm as he places the reluctant _pince-nez_ on -his disputatious nose; his stare of haughty surprise when Lowlanders -opposite titter at his inquiry about the lost handle of the parish -pump in outraged Pitlochrie; his habit of turning up at unexpected -places on either side of the House below the Gangway--these things -are unique in their way. In the aggregate they would, save for THE -MACGREGOR, have placed him on an unapproachable pinnacle. After -to-night he will reign alone. The other King of the Bedlam Brentford -has abdicated. But evermore there will rest over JAMES GALLOWAY the -chill shadow of the mighty triumph with which his rival closed his -public career. - -Nothing in the parliamentary life of THE MACGREGOR became him so well -as its quittance. The artful way in which he led the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD -up to confession of intent with respect to the Crofters Bill; the -SQUIRE'S humble plea to wait till Thursday; the MACGREGOR'S stern -response, "That is not good enough for me;" then his swinging march -down the Gangway (almost you could hear the pibroch playing); his halt -before the Mace; his stately bow to the SPEAKER; the march resumed; -the fresh halt at the Bar; another sweeping obeisance (again fancy -feigned the faint sound of the distant pibroch), and the MACGREGOR was -o'er the border, and awa'. - -"A puir daft body," said JAMES GALLOWAY WEIR, his musing sight, by -strange coincidence, also fixed on the ceiling. - -_Business done._--THE MACGREGOR shakes the dust of the House of -Commons from off his feet. In disordered state of things that -followed, paralysed Government escaped defeat in Committee on Welsh -Disestablishment Bill by narrow majority of nine. - -_Tuesday._--Surely never was such a place in the world as House of -Commons for bifurcations. Within memory of man there was a time -when, of two sides of the political highway, Liberals trod one, -Conservatives paced the other. Now House is broken up into half a -dozen parties, each with its infinitude of sections. Most depressing -and disappointing development of this tendency appears to-night. The -Eldest-Son Party is just bereft of one of its most active members by -WOLMER'S accession to Earldom. General GEORGE CURZON, whose forces, -on full muster, counted two, is now reduced, on Queen's Birthdays and -other State occasions, to reviewing ST. JOHN BRODRICK, _seul._ Force -of habit still strong, and, when speaking to-night, he made House -acquainted with the views on constitutional question which "I and my -friends hold." - -[Illustration: THE MACGREGOR RETIRES TO HIS CAVE. - -_Mr. W-r._ "Mon, if I hadna thocht he was jokin', I wad ha' gone -mysel',--to be even wi' 'im!"] - -It may be singular, but so is the number of the friends. CRANBORNE, in -one of his fiery speeches, made it clear just now that the Eldest -Sons are divided on the question which General GEORGE CURZON, -Quartermaster-General ST. JOHN BRODRICK, and the late Army (now gone -to another place) made their own. This defection from within not made -up by sustentation from without. JOSEPH, having got a little mixed -between what he said on Coleridge peerage case, and the exact reverse -put forward by him with equal confidence on the Selborne case, -judiciously absented himself to-night. COURTNEY also absent. PRINCE -ARTHUR sat ominously silent on Front Bench, whilst DICK WEBSTER backed -up SQUIRE OF MALWOOD in denouncing position assumed by General GEORGE -and Quartermaster-General ST. JOHN. As for the Army, multitudinously -alluded to as "the Hon. WILLIAM WALDEGRAVE PALMER, commonly called -Viscount WOLMER, now Earl of SELBORNE," it was withdrawn, interned as -garrisons are at particular crises of civic life. House gladly ordered -issue of new writ for West Edinburgh. Constitution remains unreformed, -and WILLIAM WALDEGRAVE--to quote with slight variation from the -appropriate source of tombstone literature-- - - Called hence by early doom, - Lives but to show how sweet an Earl - In House of Lords may bloom. - -_Business done._--Clause III. added to Welsh Disestablishment Bill. - -_Thursday._--The Bashful BARTLEY, temporarily overcoming a -constitutional weakness that is the despair of his friends, and has -proved a serious block in the way of his public advancement, put -himself forward just now. Is disturbed by dalliance of Lord BRASSEY, -sometime ago appointed Governor of Victoria. BARTLEY has conviction -that if, in good time coming, his party should acknowledge faithful -service by appointing him to Governorship, he would lose no time in -entering upon his new sphere of usefulness. That course Lord BRASSEY -might be expected to follow. "Instead of which, he goes about the -country--stealing ducks," BARTLEY, impelled by swing of the quotation, -was about to add. Pulling himself up in time, he added, "making party -political speeches in favour of candidates at elections." - -SYDNEY BUXTON, in his most Severe-Young-Man-manner, informed the not -quite Blameless BARTLEY that BRASSEY not yet set out to undertake -Governorship of Victoria because he is not yet Governor. HOPETOUN'S -term does not expire till September, and unless it were desired to run -the risk of a sort of colonial _Box and Cox_ scene, it would be well -he should await the due date of his succession. - -BARTLEY blushed, said nothing--at least, not aloud. To himself -muttered, "They may say what they like; but, after all, bashfulness is -the best policy." - -The TIRESOME TOMLINSON so affected by this repulse of an esteemed -friend and neighbour that when, later in sitting, BARTLEY, forgetting -his pious resolve, moved amendment to Budget Bill exempting a wife's -revenues from income-tax, T. T., rushing out to support him in -division lobby, lost the way. When he arrived at lobby door, found it -locked. Rattled at handle; kicked panel. For only reply came whisper -through keyhole, in voice he recognised as TOMMY BOWLES': "Too late. -Go away, you foolish virgin." - -"Bad enough," said T. T., "to lose chance of voting against the -Government. But why TOMMY BOWLES should call me a foolish virgin, I -don't know. Do I look like one?" - -_Business done._--Scotch Grand Committee set up. Opposition -straightway go and gather sticks wherewith to knock it down. - -_Friday._--Came across little group in lobby just now steeped in -brackish waters of tribulation. Only three of them, but they seemed to -have all the trouble of the world divided amongst them. - -"What's the matter?" I asked. "Been listening to two hours' debate on -Budget Bill in Committee?" - -"Worse than that," said HART DYKE. "Haven't you heard? CARMARTHEN, -riding out on his bicycle, came by sudden turn on steam-roller. -Bicycle shied; pitched DOLLY off." - -"Poor DOLLY!" said JOHN PENN, mopping his eye with a J pen-wiper. "He -fell on his head." - -HART DYKE and MARK LOCKWOOD (together)--"Oh, then he's not hurt." -Sudden brightening of faces as load of apprehension removed from mind; -walked off quite cheerfully. - -Gracious, kind-hearted comrades! So pleasant, amid turmoil of -political warfare, to come upon idyllic scene like this, and learn how -sweet a thing is friendship. - -_Business done._--Budget Bill through Committee. - -[Illustration: "NOT FOR JO-ACHIM!" - -["The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER said that the right hon. member for -St. George's had referred to the fact that this was leap year, and -they all knew that in leap year proposals could be made that would be -considered rather extraordinary in ordinary times. (_Laughter._) To -accept the right hon. gentleman's proposal would not be consistent -with his duty."--_Times._]] - - * * * * * - - - - -Transcriber's Note: - -Sundry missing or damaged puctuation has been repaired. - -This book contains dialect, some deliberately fractured English words, -and the occasional French word. All have been retained; it's Punch! - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. -108, June 1, 1895, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JUNE 1, 1895 *** - -***** This file should be named 42485-8.txt or 42485-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/4/8/42485/ - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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