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diff --git a/42485-0.txt b/42485-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..649d00b --- /dev/null +++ b/42485-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1362 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42485 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 108. JUNE 1, 1895. + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +"LONDON AND LIVERPOOL--LITTLE AND GOOD." + +It appears that the very excellent proposal of amalgamating all +the local branches of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to +Children in one national association is meeting with some opposition +in Liverpool. Says the _Courier_ of that important locality, "It was +Liverpool which educated London in the matter of child-protection, and +probably the Londoners could still learn in Liverpool many practical +lessons. And just when Liverpool is about to be trebled in extent, +and have its population largely increased, seems a singularly +inappropriate time to subordinate the city to London." From this +it would appear that Liverpool in its growth is becoming, to use a +colloquialism, "too big for its boots." Surely the benefit of the +children should be the first consideration. What the size of either +Liverpool or London has to do with that matter, it is difficult +to say. No doubt Londoners could learn much from their Liverpool +brothers. But the lesson for the moment is to discover how to best +protect the little ones. And that subject can only be mastered by a +display of goodwill and unselfishness on both sides. + + * * * * * + +SIR JOHN FRANKLIN. + + [May 20, 1895: Fiftieth Anniversary of the Day when the + Franklin Expedition set Sail.] + + The North returned thee not to British earth. + Whence on that splendid quest thou didst go forth; + But when our British hearts, in sordid dearth + Of pride, forget thy valour and thy worth, + Those hearts must be yet colder than the North. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TURF CUTTINGS. + +"Taken and Off" + +"Getting on" at 6 to 4.] + + * * * * * + +A BAS "THE CLUB SWEEP." + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Although you are a humorist, there is a serious side +to your character. I want to appeal to that serious side. I wish to +complain of the prevalence in all our West-End Co-operative Palaces of +that annual pest, appropriately called "the Club Sweep." Why should it +be allowed to prosper? It is a disgrace to civilisation. I know of +no more painful sight than the picture of old CR[OE]SUS paying the +hall-porter to put him down for a dozen places. I am delighted when +those twelve positions end in blanks, or starters out of the running. +And nearly as unpleasant an incident is the tableau of young JONES +taking a pound chance at the same fatal lottery. Put it down, _Mr. +Punch_; put it down. I repeat, "the Club Sweep" is unworthy of the +civilisation of the close of the nineteenth century. Once more, Sir, +put it down. + + Yours, most truly, + + AN OLD MEMBER OF THE HERCULES CLUB. + +P.S.--I am sure the thing is a mistake. Will you believe it, I have +put into my own sweep for the last thirty-five years, and have never +drawn a starter! Same luck this season! + + * * * * * + +From the New Sarum Note-Book. + + [Lord SALISBURY "believes the SULTAN to be a humane + man."--_Speech at Bradford._] + +LORD SALISBURY believes-- + +That RICHARD THE THIRD was a remarkably amiable man; especially kind +to children. + +That NERO was the gentlest creature that ever breathed, except +CALIGULA. + +That HENRY THE EIGHTH was a gentle, unassuming person; most religious +and domesticated; in fact, a model husband, and the sort of man that +"wouldn't harm a biby." + + * * * * * + +ROUNDABOUT READINGS. + +The Hon. GEORGE CURZON and Miss LEITER (U.S.A.) have been married. +The State of Illinois is indignant. The two facts are more intimately +connected than might be supposed. Four days after the wedding a +resolution was introduced into the State Legislature of Illinois by a +Mr. MCCARTHY, requesting the daughters of Illinois "not to accept +the hand in marriage of any person who is not a citizen of the United +States, as we are of opinion that the daughters of Illinois should +be patriotic in their views, and should disregard the title of any +foreigner, and marry none but a citizen of the United States." It is +stated that the resolution "was referred to the Committee on Federal +Relations." Surely a Committee on domestic relations or on titled +relations would have been more appropriate. + + * * * * * + +The Illinois State Legislature obviously has novel ideas of its +legislative duties. Imagine an English County Council treating +seriously such fantastic rubbish as Mr. MCCARTHY brought before the +law-makers of his State. Would it not be more to the point to look +after the sons of Illinois, and to keep the hue of their resolution up +to the mark? If they are laggards in love, who shall blame the British +aristocrat for wooing with success the daughters of Illinois, +whom their compatriot suitors abandon? Or again, if titles are so +irresistible an attraction to the fair, why not establish titles in +Illinois, and thus give the Earl of BANGS or the Marquis SALTONTALE +that seductive influence which is apparently lacking to plain ZEDEKIAH +B. BANGS, and to the unadorned JONATHAN K. SALTONTALE. For it is +obviously better that the daughters of Illinois should marry than +that they should waste away with an unbridaled (let the spelling pass) +desire for a title. + + * * * * * + +At Oxford on Wednesday last the University beat Somerset by one +wicket, mainly owing to the admirable batting of Mr. H. D. G. LEVESON +GOWER, popularly known as "The Shrimp." + + To the batsmen of Oxford, who looked very limp, + Father Neptune was kind when he gave them a Shrimp: + For a Shrimp on the grass is most worthy of rhyme, + When he makes a firm stand, but gets runs all the time. + + * * * * * + +The inhabitants of Christmas Street in Bristol want to have their +thoroughfare laid with wood paving. At present, according to an +indignant correspondent, "the pitching in the street is so bad that it +is positively dangerous for vehicular traffic ... but the risk to life +and limb are entirely subservient to the parsimonious policy of +our Bristol Sanitary Authority." Might I suggest Yule logs as an +appropriate pavement for Christmas Street? Certainly this accident +policy of the Bristol Sanitary Authority ought to be allowed to lapse. + + * * * * * + +I gather from a letter in the _Freeman's Journal_ that Bray is not +being well treated by the Bray Township Commissioners. "If Bray is +to march with the times," says the writer, "and keep pace with the +laudable efforts of our Tourist Development Association," something +must be done to improve the walk round Bray Head. The picture of Bray +keeping pace and marching with the times by walking round its own head +is too confusing for the intelligence of the dense Saxon. + + * * * * * + +An article in the _Scotsman_ declares that "a great laxity of costume +is characteristic of modern Oxford." Straw hats and brown boots appear +to abound everywhere. It is added that "Bowlers are already beginning +to be preserved as relics of a bygone race." This will be glorious +news for the Cambridge Eleven, for a merely preserved bowler cannot be +very dangerous. + + * * * * * + +From a recent issue of the _Freeman's Journal_ I extract the following +letter, which, it must be admitted, "makes both sides right" with a +clearness that leaves nothing to be desired. Note, too, the writer's +natural vexation at the idea that he "assisted the constable":-- + + TO THE EDITOR Of THE FREEMAN. + + _114, Lower Clanbrassil Street, Dublin, May 14, 1895._ + + SIR,--With reference to your issue of the 13th inst., and the + stolen tea from one of the London and Northern-Western vans, I + beg leave to state that I in no way assisted the constable in + the arrest of the prisoner, as you state; neither was there + any necessity for me doing so, as he had sufficient help along + with him at the time. But I did help the driver of the waggon + when on the ground to recover his feet and get back to his + waggon with the tea in question. My reasons for doing so were + as follows--first, being a van driver myself, and I might say + has been such all my lifetime, and knowing that when goods are + stolen from any van in nine cases out of every ten the driver + of such a van has to make good the same and be put under + stoppages although no fault of his. Secondly, when I came on + the scene the driver of the waggon seemed to be getting the + worst of it, as the offender had two others helping him. + If someone did not interfere, therefore, under those + circumstances and to protect the interest of my + fellow-workers, as I am always ready to do, I interfered, and + under no other.--Hoping you will kindly insert this in your + next issue and make both sides right, and thanking you for the + same, I remain your humble servant, + + HENRY PRENDERGAST. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALL THE COMFORTS OF A HOME. + +_Britannia_ (_to His Highness Nasrulla Khan_). "DELIGHTED TO SEE YOU, +FOR YOUR DEAR FATHER'S SAKE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE BOULD SOGER BOYS AT ISLINGTON. + +STAGE-MANAGERS Lieut.-Col. TULLY with Lieut.-Col. TILLOTSON and +Colonel ONSLOW, not to mention their talented assistants headed by +Captain DANN, Master of Ring, have given us a real good show. The +Olympian BOSSY KIRALFY must be anxiously awaiting the return of the +natives from Islington to Kensington, and Sir DRURIOLANUS must have +owned that the military managers have run him very close as a master +of crowds and of thrilling dramatic situations. Who would not rush +out to fight Zulus, or any other savages, to stirring sounds of First +Horse Guards' band, and cheered by all sorts and kinds of inspiriting +music? You march to a popular song, you build bridge to polka, you +make zerebas to the lilt of a waltz, you charge to a galop, and you +return victorious to the National Anthem! Hurrah for the life of a +soldier, at Islington! + +[Illustration] + +Here the Art of Artillery Driving can be seen to perfection: three +times round, clear posts and out again to deafening cheers. Bayonet +exercise of Second Battalion Scots Guards is full of point; while +the display made by Gymnastic Staff of Egyptian Army shows how our +soldiers can advance by leaps and bounds. Excellent device! Enemy +dumbfounded and bothered to see our athletic warriors jumping over one +another's heads, turning somersaults, and finally heaping themselves +up into pyramids--a real Egyptian puzzle this--with hero at apex +waving flag. Why, a whole army of fiercest enemies would take to their +heels rather than fight with these dancing dragoons, and hosts of +Mussulmans would flee before such men of muscle. For these tactics no +arms required except those already naturally belonging to the corps. +So inexpensive! Yet to these merry infants-in-arms the art of war is +no child's-play. + +The new effects, and one among the numerous attractions, is the Grand +Historical Military Pageant, performed with the greatest success by +the 3rd King's Own Hussars and the Buffs. Nothing buffo about the +Buffs. They appear as Cavalier cavalry and infantry pikemen of JAMES +THE SECOND'S time, and as cavalry and infantry from that date down +through the Georgian period to the present day. The great change is +noticeable in the hair, from long flowing curls and periwigs to the +short crop of THOMAS ATKINS. Altogether a brilliant success, and +should bring in a handsome amount for the benefit of the Military +Charities, to whose funds this show makes an invaluable contribution. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +"HONOURS EASY."--The _St. James's Gazette_ suggests that if leading +play-actors are to be knighted, why not principal music-hall +singers? Well, not yet; as the chief music-hall singer is already "A +CHEVALIER." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Youngster_ (_who has just had a Penny given to him_) +"'OW MUCH IS THEM GRAPES, MISTER?" + +_Shopkeeper_ (_amused_). "THEY ARE FOUR SHILLINGS AND SIXPENCE A +POUND, MY LAD." + +_Youngster._ "WELL, THEN, GIVE US A 'A'PORTH O' _CARROTS_. I'M A +_DEMON_ FOR _FRUIT!_"] + + * * * * * + +A DERBY DIALOGUE. + +SCENE--_In Town._ JONES _meets_ BROWN. + +_Jones._ Going to Epsom? + +_Brown._ No, I think not. Fact is, the place gets duller year by year. +The train has knocked the fun out of the road. + +_Jones._ Such a waste of time. Why go in a crowd to see some horses +race, when you can read all about it in evening papers? + +_Brown._ Just so. No fun. No excitement. And the Downs are wretched if +it rains or snows. + +_Jones._ Certainly. The luncheon, too, is all very well; but, after +all, it spoils one's dinner. + +_Brown._ Distinctly. And champagne at two o'clock is premature. + +_Jones._ And lobster-salad undoubtedly indigestible. So it's much +better not to go to the Derby--in spite of the luncheon. + +_Brown._ Yes,--in spite of the luncheon. + +_Two hours pass. Scene changes to Epsom._ + +_Jones._ Hullo! You here? + +_Brown._ Hullo! And if it comes to that, you here, too? + +_Jones._ Well, I really found so little doing in town that I thought I +might be here as well as anywhere else. + +_Brown._ Just my case. Not that there's much to see or do. Silly as +usual. + +_Jones._ Quite. Always said the Derby was a fraud. But I am afraid, my +dear fellow, I must hurry away, as I have got to get back to my party +for luncheon. + +_Brown._ So have I. + + [_Exeunt severally._ + + * * * * * + +GREAT AND DESERVED SUCCESS.--LYCEUM.--The First Knight!! Sir +HENRY IRVING in an entirely new character. _Mr. Punch's_ sincere +congratulations. + + * * * * * + +BOOKMAKERS ON THE BEACH. + +(_A Sketch at a Sea-side Race-Meeting._) + + SCENE--_The Sands at Baymouth, where some pony and horse races + are being run. By the Grand Stand, and under the wall of + the esplanade, about a dozen bookmakers, perched on old + packing-cases, are clamouring with their customary energy. The + public, however, for some reason seems unusually deaf to + their blandishments and disinclined for speculation, and the + bookmakers, after shouting themselves hoarse with little or no + result, are beginning to feel discouraged._ + +_Bookmakers_ (_antiphonally_). Evens on the field! Three to one bar +one! Five to one bar two! Six to one bar one! Even money _Beeswing!_ +Six to one _Popgun!_ Come on 'ere. Two to one on the field! What do +you want to _do?_ + + [_The public apparently want to look another way._ + +_First Bookmaker_ (_to_ Second Bookmaker). Not much 'ere to-day! +Shawn't get no roast baked and biled this journey, eh? + +_Second B._ (_with deep disgust_). They ain't _got_ no money! +Baymouth's going down. Why, this might be a bloomin' Sunday-school +treat! Blest if I believe they know what we're 'ere _for!_ + +_Third B._ (_after pausing to refresh himself, sardonically to_ Fourth +Bookmaker). De-lightful weather, WILLIAM! + +_William_ (_in a similar tone of irony_). What a glorious day, PERCY! +Sech a treat to see all the people enjoyin' theirselves without any o' +the silly speculation yer _do_ find sometimes on occasions like this! +(_He accepts the bottle his friend passes, and drinks._) 'Ere's better +luck to us all! + +_Fifth B._ (_pathetically_). Don't leave your little FREDDY out! +(_They DON'T leave their little FREDDY out._) Cheer up, WILLIAM, there +'s 'appier days in store; there'll be Jersey comin' soon. We'll be orf +to the sunny south! (_To a stranger who comes up to him._) Why, Uncle, +you don't say it's you! How _well_ you're looking! Shake 'ands and +'ave a bit on, jest for ole sake's sake! (_The stranger proceeds to +introduce himself as the_ Secretary, _and to demand a fee._) What! +pay you five shillins for standin' 'ere wastin' my time and voice like +this? Not me! Why, I aint took two blessed sorcepans since I bin +'ere! (_The_ Secretary _remains firm._) I won't do it, my boy. Not on +_prinserple_, I won't. I wouldn't give you five shillins not if your +tongue was 'anging down on to your boots--so there! (_The_ Secretary +_does not attempt so violent an appeal to his better nature, but calls +a police-inspector._) 'Ere, I'd sooner git down and chuck the show +altogether; jest to mark my contempt for such goings on! (_He descends +from his box; takes down his sign, unscrews his pole, folds up his +professional triptych, and departs in a state of virtuous indignation +only to be expressed by extreme profanity, while the_ Secretary +_proceeds unmoved to collect payments from the others; who eventually +compromise the claims for half-a-crown._) + +_Mr. Sam Satchell_ (_"from Southampton"_). Now then, you gentlemen +and aristocratic tradesmen, where _are_ you all? Don't any o' you know +_anything?_ Come on 'ere. (_He stops an elderly rustic._) You've got a +fancy, I can see! (_The rustic denies the impeachment, grinning._) Git +along with yer, yer artful ole puss, then, and don't keep gentlemen +away as wants to bet! (_To a Yeomanry trooper._) Come along, my ole +soldier-boy, give it a name! (_His old soldier-boy declines to give it +any name, and passes on._) Call yerself a warrior bold, and afraid o' +riskin' 'alf-a-crown! Why, yer Queen and country orter be ashamed o' +yer! (_As a young farmer in riding-gaiters come up, with the evident +intention of business._) Ah, _you_ don't forget the old firm, I +see.... What, four to one not good enough for you? You won't get no +better odds, go where you _like!_ I suppose you expeck me to make you +a present o' the money? (_The farmer moves on._) I dunno what's _come_ +to 'em all. _I_ never see nothing like it in all _my_ life! + +IN THE GRAND STAND. + +_A Glib Person, in a tall hat_ (_as he picks his way up and down +the benches, the occupants of which treat him with tolerant +indifference_). I'm not a bookmaker, ladies and gentlemen; don't have +that impression of me for a moment! I'm simply an amateur, and an +independent gentleman o' means, like any of yourselves. You all know +more than _I_ do. I don't come 'ere with any intention o' winning your +money--far from it. I'm wishful to settle and live among you. I may +eventually put up as your member; and, if so, when I take my place +in Parliament I shall be in a position to testify that the Baymouth +people are extremely cautious as to the manner in which they invest +their money on 'orse-racin'! Yes, I'm 'ere on beyarf of the Sporting +League, just to prove how free a meeting like this is from the evils +o' gambling. I don't come 'ere to _rob_ yer. I want yer all to win. +I like to see yer bright and shining faces around me; I like the +friverolity and reckereation and the conviverality of the thing, +that's all. I'll tell yer how it is. I've a rich ole aunt, and she +puts fifty pound into my 'ands, and sez, "Jacky," she sez, "I love +those dear Baymouth people, and I want you to take this 'ere money and +lay it out among 'em in moieties, and make 'em rich and 'appy." You +can see for yourselves. I've no tickets and no parryfernalia, excep' +this little pocket-book, where I enter any bets you honour me +with. Come, Miss, win a pair o' those three-and-sixpenny gloves at +CHICKERELL'S, the ex-Mayor's, to oblige _me!_ Did I tread on your +corn, Sir? I assure you it was the last thing I intended.... "You +knew I'd do it afore I'd done?" ... Well, Sir, if you've sech a gift +o' seeing into futoority as that, why not make something out of it +now? Three to one bar one. _Kitty_ _I_'m barring. Thank _you_, +Sir; 'alf-a-crown to seven and six on _Sportsman_. I tell you +candidly--you've got the winner. The favourite won't win. Now, then, +all you others, where's your Baymouth pluck? I orfered you thirty to +one _Beeswing_ last race; and you wouldn't take it. And _Beeswing_ +won, and you lost the chance o' making yer fortunes. Don't blame _me_ +if the same thing 'appens again. I'm on'y bettin', as I told you, for +my own amusement, and to get rid o' the money! (_&c., &c._) + +[Illustration: "Why the blazes don't ye take it?"] + +_Mr. Sam Satchell_ (_whom the apathy of the public has apparently +reduced to a state of defiant buffoonery_). Even money _Daredevil_, +you rascals! And why the blazes don't ye take it? Come on. I'll take +two little bits o' twos that _Kitty_ don't win! Four to one against +ole bread-and-butter _Tommy_, over there in the corner! Eleven and +a 'alf to three quarters to two against _Kitty_. "What har the Wild +Waves say-hay-ing?" Two _Kitties_ to three _Daredevils_ against a +bloomin' goat-chaise! On the Baymouth Durby I'm bettin'! + +AT THE CLOSE OF THE LAST RACE. + + _Three horses have started; the favourite has led to the turn + and then bolted up the shingle, but, as the tide has come in + and almost covered the course, and the other two horses by + declining to face the water have let him in again, he wins + after an exciting finish, up to the girths in sea-water; and + such bookmakers as have succeeded in obtaining patronage are + paying up with as much cheerfulness as they can command._ + +_First Bookmaker_ (_to eager backer_). Wait a bit, my boy, wait +a _bit_, the number hasn't gone up yet, my son. Where's your +ticket--forty-two? (_His clerk refers to book._) That's _Squibbs_. +I pay over _winners_--not losers. (_To the public._) Come along and +fetch your money, the bullion's 'ere! (_To another backer._) What was +yours--threes? ("Fours _I_'ve got," _from his clerk_.) Why don't yer +arst for what you're entitled to, instead o' makin' me arst my clurk +what your bet was? There's your money--take it and go! + + [_The backer departs wealthier but abashed._ + +_Second B._ I'm payin' over that 'ard-run race, gentlemen, men and +'orses exhorsted! I'm payin' over _Susan_--dear ole Suseyhanner! who +wants their money? The Bank o' England's 'ere, gentlemen, Mr. FRANKIE +FAIRPRICE and his ole friend, who's always by his side and never +looses 'im! + +_Third B._ (_who has had to borrow largely from his brethren to meet +his engagements_). Are you all done now? (_To the crowd._) Then I'll +wish yer good afternoon, thank ye all for yer comp'ny, but you've bin +bloomin' bad fun to-day, and you don't ketch me playin' Patience on a +monument at any more o' yer blanky sand'oppin' 'andicaps, that's all! + + [_However, the local newspaper reports next day that "A number + of the sporting fraternity were in attendance to do business, + and apparently carried on a brisk and profitable trade"--which + only shows how difficult it is for the casual observer to form + an accurate opinion._ + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Monday._--Crowded house: all charmed with everything and everybody in +_Fra Diavolo_. Somebody in grand tier so ecstatically pleased, that, +unable any longer to control impulsive movement, he (or she) hurls +into the air leather lorgnette case, which, descending at an angle, +clears the Prince of WALES'S elbow by a few inches, and startles +musical enthusiast who, seated at corner of third row of stalls, is at +that moment wrapped up in the opera, and thus protected against most +external dangers. A thrill went through the house! is it a "B-o-m-b" +bomb? BEVIGNANI, pausing, _bâton_ in air, gives the horrorstruck +singers and concealed orchestra (to whom pause is inexplicable) a +few notes rest. Then corner (stall) man picks up lorgnette case, +fortunately empty; whereupon the Bold BEVIGNANI'S _bâton_ is once more +in motion, and everyone is "as they were." ARIMONDI and PINI-CORSI +earn a big encore for duet and dance. Mr. DAVID BISPHAM with Madame +AMADI, as _Milor'_ and _Miladi_, speaking English and queer Italian, +do good service. _Fra Diavolo-Lucia_ excellent, and Miss MARIE ENGLE +(who naturally quite understood _Milor'_ and _Miladi_ when speaking +Engelish) a charming, sprightly _Zerlina_. Revival decided hit. + +[Illustration] + +_Wednesday._--VERDI'S opera, _Falstaff_. Some charming music in it; +otherwise dull opera. Impossible to put _Falstaff_ himself, singing +or speaking, on any stage. Actor or singer invariably over-weighted. +ZELIE DE LUSSAN, looking like _Jessica_, sings _Anne Page's_ music +charmingly. SHAKSPEARE created "sweet ANNE PAGE" the daughter of _Mrs. +Page_. Why then, in the opera, is she put into the FORD family? I +refer to the "Characters" in the book of the opera, where I find +"_Mistress Ford_," and "_Anne, her daughter_." GIULIA RAVOGLI a +sprightly _Dame Quickly_; PAULINE JORAN a lively _Mistress Ford_; and +Signor DE LUCIA an amiable _Fenton_, "with a song." + +_Friday._--House not absolutely crowded to hear _Carmen_. Is _Carmen_ +a bit "off"? Yet nothing better than performance of ZELIE DE LUSSAN +as gay and wicked heroine. Little _Don José de Lucia_ first-rate, and +ANCONA winning encore for old friend _Toréador_. MARIE ENGLE +excellent goody-goody contrast to bold, bad _Carmen_. Police-constable +BEVIGNANI, _bâton_ in hand, severe when on the beat. In honour of +QUEEN'S Birthday, Sir DRURIOLANUS troupe-ing _Il Trovatore's_ operatic +colours at Windsor Castle. It ought to have been, appropriately, +_Falstaff_. + +_Saturday._--_Faust._ "House full." _The_ Princess and Princesses +present. MELBA'S "Jewel song" a gem. M. PLANÇON, whose name, Britishly +pronounced, suggests "Mr. PLAIN-SONG," rather ecclesiastical +than diabolical, a highly-coloured but generally effective +_Mephistopheles_. Mdlle. BRAZZI appears to-night as "the new woman" +in the part of _Siebel_. "She rouses enthusiasm," quoth WAGSTAFF, "no +Siebil-lation." _Exeunt omnes._ + + * * * * * + +THE DISCOVERY OF LONDON. + +_Interviewer._ As a keen student of your fascinating works, permit me +to render to you my respectful homage. + +_Distinguished Foreigner in London._ Certainly. I observe that you +speak the French of the capital with fluency. + +_Int._ You flatter me. I am only an ordinary journalist. Possibly you +prefer to converse in our local language? + +[Illustration] + +_D. F._ On the contrary, I have only recently acquired the English +word, "Yes." Curiously enough, this is my first voyage of discovery +to your shores. I had, of course, often heard of England, and your +literature is not unfamiliar to me. My secretary reads to me the works +of your popular poet, ROBERT BROWNING. + +_Int._ Do you not, with your--er--limited knowledge, if I may so say, +of our language, find that writer's meaning somewhat obscure? + +_D. F._ Oh no; for my secretary translates him into idiomatic French +verse at sight. + +_Int._ M. ZOLA has also only recently discovered us. How do your +novelists find the necessary models for their English types? + +_D. F._ Nothing simpler. Tradition, _voilà tout_. The Englishwoman, +with her large feet, projecting teeth, and execrable French--we know +her because we have always known her. It is not necessary to have seen +her in the flesh. Indeed, it is only a marvel to me that I find the +type so rare in its own country. + +_Int._ Might I dare to ascribe such traditional views to the prejudice +of ignorance? Your Press, I believe, does not educate itself by +foreign travel. + +_D. F._ I cannot speak for others, but personally, if I do not offend +the laws of courtesy by saying this in the city whose hospitality I +now enjoy, I detest your race. I regard you as insular. + +_Int._ We cannot, of course, help being born on an island. But we +correct this defect by constant visits to the mainland, and from these +we have learnt a profound respect for the tastes of our neighbours. + +_D. F._ I am greatly gratified by this. Nothing has impressed me so +favourably here as your cordial appreciation of our people. I met a +distinguished British novelist who was actually acquainted with the +literature of my own Provence! + +_Int._ May I ask what other features of our comparatively inaccessible +island have attracted your notice? + +_D. F._ Above all things else, the sinister silence of your city. On +the Stock Exchange, down Cheapside, among vendors of journals, you can +hear a pin drop. Everywhere the taciturnity of the tomb. + +_Int._ And what of our institutions and types? + +_D. F._ Nothing has impressed me so deeply as the Great Wheel at +Earl's Court. It is a monument of national ardour and aspiration. +This, and Mr. STANLEY, and your guardsmen, and your way of cooking +meat, have left the most indelible impression upon my sentiment and +constitution. I dislike the last two of them. + +_Int._ In cooking, we freely yield you the saucepan. But how has our +military given you offence? + +_D. F._ I object to the size of its chest, and its manner of occupying +the pavement. I have seen a guardsman in Whitehall against whom, in +the heyday of my youth, I should indubitably have projected my person. + +_Int._ It would have been a rash and perhaps irreparable act. But tell +me more. Kindly hold up once again the veracious mirror, that we may +see ourselves as others see us. We are so apt to be blind to our own +national defects, unless the impartial observer, like yourself, throws +a flood of light upon our idiosyncrasies. + +_D. F._ I should like a few more days in which to complete my study, +and verify my anticipations, of your interesting city. Meanwhile, let +me refer you to M. GABRIEL MOUREY'S new work--_Passé le Détroit_. The +Ulysses of our century, he has gained a wide knowledge of your race, +having been a fearless traveller in _L'Underground_, and seen some +of your most typical fogs. You may learn much from him. He is read +eagerly at home, where the thirst for books of romantic travel and +exploration grows hourly. I wish you the good day. _Yes._ + + * * * * * + +A TEETOTAL TIP.--How to Live Long--Never take "something short." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE--_A Restaurant near Leicester Square._ + +_Jones._ "OH--ER--GARSONG, REGARDEZ EECEE--ER--APPORTEZ-VOO +LE--LA----" + +_Waiter._ "BEG PARDON, SIR. I DON'T KNOW FRENCH!" + +_Jones._ "THEN, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, SEND ME SOMEBODY WHO _DOES!_"] + + * * * * * + +'ARRY ON DERBY DAY. + + DEAR CHARLIE,--Are _you_ going down? What a pooty blarmed world + this 'as got, + With its CHANTS, and its Anti-Sport Leagues, Local Hoption, and + other dashed rot. + Wot _is_ Libberty comin' to, CHARLIE? 'Ere's 'ARRY leg-lagged to + his stool, + Because his new Gaffer's a Hawkeite, as means a old-fossilised fool. + + The young 'un whose crib I succeeded to skinned the old bloke's + petty cash + In backing of wrong 'uns last year, as of course was most reckless + and rash. + But wy should _I_ suffer along of it? Wy must he drop upon _me_ + Who wanted the Derby Day off--for cremating my poor uncle G.? + + Smelt a rat, the old Smelfungus did, and he lectured me, too, like + old boots, + Saying, Sport wos a Youpass tree, CHARLIE, and lying wos one of + its fruits. + He's a reglar front-row Anti-Gambler, a foe of Mirth, Music, and + Malt, + As would 'ave them lay Tattersall's level, and sow Hepsom + race-course with salt. + + I'd arranged with a sporting greengrocer, and BOODLE a smart local + Bung, + To tool down by road with a trotter. Us three would 'ave gone a + rare splung, + And _I_ ain't missed a Derby this five year. And now all along of + old hunks + Instead of sweepstaking for winners, I'm making out bills for + hair-trunks. + + It's beastly, dear boy, and no bottles. I landed on _Ladas_ last + year, + And I've got such a cert. for to-day, as I _couldn't_ go wrong + on--no fear! + Oh, laylocks and lemonade, CHARLIE! it do give yours truly the 'ump + To think I must miss such a treat, all along of that precious old + pump. + + The whizz o' the wheels makes mad music, old man, in this dingy + old den, + Where only the tick of the clock, and the scrape of my spiky steel + pen, + Measure hout the monotonous 'ours, while friend Bung and young + Greens are agog. + 'Midst the clatter and clink of the course, and the yelp of the + old Derby Dog. + + I can smell the sweet whiff of their baccy, can taste the cold + chickin' an' 'am, + And see the fine salmon-hued sparkle of Bung's Jerryboam of Cham. + I _know_ Greens will do it to rights; I am _sure_ a safe winner + I'd spot, + And my anti-gambling old Gaffer 'as spiled the whole splurge! + _Ain't_ it rot? + + Them plaguey philanterpists, CHARLIE, are turning the world + upsidown! + A cove musn't lap arf-a-pint, and a cove mustn't lay arf-a-crown! + It's Weto all over the shop, CHARLIE! But wot _I_ always remarks,-- + Philanterpy seems to shine mostly in Wetoing _other_ folks larks! + + Well, I'm off down the road, mate, to Clapham, or wot not, to see + 'em return. + My cert. 'asn't come off, I 'ear, so I've dropped arf the screw as + I earn + By my six days of nose-to-the-grinstone of Gaffer. He'd larf if he + knowed. + But if it ain't _his_ bloomin' fault for his sport-'ating 'umbug, + I'm blowed. + + _Sport?_ Sport's in the blood of a gentleman! Cocktails ain't fly + to the fun + Of landing a bit off a pal. Lor! a bet, on a 'orse or a gun, + Mykes friendship and life reglar flavoursome! 'Ow could your true + sportsman care + For a drive through green lanes to the Derby without a small + flutter when there? + + Too late for the flutter to-night, but the Clapham laburnums are + out; + There are plenty of pubs on that road, to the Wetoist's 'orror, no + doubt. + I am sure to meet lots of old pals, full of fun and good stuff as + they'll carry, + And if we don't 'ave Derby larks, spite o' Gaffers and HAWKES, I + ain't, 'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +Derby Dampers. + +Having no invitation to join a company on a drag. Having no money to +pay for a railway ticket to the course. Having no friends rich enough +or rash enough to advance a trifle on account. Having no notion of +the betting and no knowledge of the horses engaged. Having no time, no +money, and last, but not least, no inclination. + + * * * * * + +"ALL NODDIN'."--The _Western Daily Mercury_ records that the New Woman +has broken out in a new place--as A Lady Auctioneer. Woman at all +times has known how to go it hammer and tongs. Advanced Femininity +drops the tongs, but sticks to the hammer. Formerly man was often gone +on fair woman--rather expected of him. The lady now prefers to do the +"Going, going, gone," herself. Awful vistas opened up. Will a wink be +as good as a nod to the Lady Auctioneer? Will "dinner eyes" have to +yield to "auction winks"? A for-bidding prospect. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DOUBTFUL "STAYER." + +L-BBY. "YOU AIN'T GOT MUCH OF A MOUNT, GUV'NOR!" + +R-S-B-RY. "P'R'APS NOT,--BUT I'LL RIDE HIM FOR ALL HE'S WORTH!"] + + * * * * * + +THE SCARLET PARASOL. + +SCENE II.--_Drawing-room. Windows opening on to Terrace. Ladies +alone._ + +_Muriel_ (_to_ VIOLA). CLAUDE MIGNON has been saying that I am the +only woman he has ever loved! + +_Viola._ Exactly what he says to me! + +_Muriel._ Is it a boast--or a confession? + +_Viola_ (_quietly_). It is a lie, that's all. But what did ALAN ROY +say? He didn't speak to me. + +_Muriel._ He says you have a far-away look in your eyes. + +_Viola_ (_eagerly_). Yes? I did my best! + +_Muriel_ (_simply_). So I told him you wanted to have a secret in your +life--a romance. He seemed very much interested. + +_Viola._ Oh, MURIEL! How could you? _How_ silly of you! I am very +angry indeed. + +_Muriel_ (_calmly_). Why, VIOLA? ALBERT is getting accustomed to his +being grown-up, and CLAUDE to his being so young. They all like him +immensely. But I think they will be glad when he goes away. + + [_Enter gentlemen._ + +_Claude_ (_talking to_ ALAN). Yes, I felt I had something to say--and +I said it--in one volume. + +_Alan._ There is no mistake so fatal as to write because one has +something to say. + +_Claude._ How about _Robinson Crusoe_, _Don Quixote_---- + +_Alan._ I am afraid I never read them. I couldn't read till I was +ten--and then I read dear HERBERT SPENCER. + + [_He tries to join_ VIOLA _and passes_ Mrs. AVERIDGE, _who + moves to leave room for him on the sofa, and smiles_. + +_Alan_ (_standing by the sofa_). Weren't the flowers quite sweet on +the table to-night, Mrs. AVERIDGE? + +_Mrs. Averidge_ (_trying to be original_). I can't bear flowers. + +_Alan._ What _do_ you like, Mrs. AVERIDGE? + +_Mrs. Averidge_ (_looking out of the window_). Oh--trees, I think. + +_Alan._ What! on the table! (_He escapes, and joins_ VIOLA.) Is that +the moon outside, Mrs. TRAVERS? + +_Viola_ (_gazing at it intensely_). I think it is. + +_Alan._ Shall we go and see? + + [_They move out on to the terrace._ + +_Muriel_ (_sitting next to_ Mrs. AVERIDGE). Isn't ALAN ROY a little +dear? + +_Mrs. Averidge_ (_spitefully_). So your sister seems to think. I had +no idea she was so fond of children. + +_Muriel._ He has such pretty ways! That new shade of blue is very +fashionable, Mrs. AVERIDGE. But it's a little _trying_ to you, do you +know? You don't mind my saying so, do you? [_Amenities continue._ + +_Mr. Averidge._ It's perfectly amazing! That boy knows everything. He +talks politics---- + +_Claude._ He's a staunch Tory! + +_Mr. Averidge._ Literature---- + +_Claude._ He tells me he's not a Romanticist; he cares only for the +Classics. + +_Mr. Averidge._ Art---- + +_Claude_ (_resigned_). He dismisses Symbolism with a word, smiles at +Impressionism as old-fashioned, but speaks most kindly both of MILLAIS +and WHISTLER. He calls them "poor dears." I _think_ that was the +phrase. I won't be sure, but I think so. + +_Mr. Averidge._ Yes, he's astounding. + + [_Ponders._ + +_Claude_ (_to_ MURIEL). Aren't we going to have some music? How I +should like you to play those chants to me again! Won't you, Miss +VANE? I _love_ sacred music so. + +_Muriel._ Yes; with pleasure. VIOLA has had my organ put in the +billiard-room, to be out of the way. + + [_Rises._ + +_Claude_ (_as he and_ MURIEL _go into the billiard-room_). The +worst point about these clever boys is that they are so cynical! No +sentiment--no heart! + + [_Continues ad lib._ + + _On the Terrace._ + +_Alan_ (_to_ VIOLA). You have very wonderful eyes, Mrs. TRAVERS, +haven't you? + +_Viola._ Have I? + +_Alan._ You know you have. Do you believe in palmistry? + +_Viola._ I think I do. Do you? + +_Alan._ I don't know whether I believe in it, I _like_ it.... Your +line of life.... + + [_Continues ad lib._ + + _In the Drawing-room._ + +_Albert._ That boy is bewildering! He flits over every subject under +the sun! Have a game of piquet, AVERIDGE? + + [_They play piquet._ + + _In the Billiard-room._ MURIEL _playing the organ_. CLAUDE _by + her side trying to look like_ DICKSEE'S _picture, "Harmony."_ + +_Claude._ Do you ever have that curious feeling that you are doing +exactly what you have done before, hearing--seeing something for the +second time? + +_Muriel._ Oh, yes! continually! I felt it during the whole of dinner! + +_Claude._ Do you think it shows we knew each other in a previous +existence, Miss VANE? + +_Muriel._ No. I am afraid it only shows that you sometimes repeat +yourself. + + [_She smiles._ + +_Claude._ How can you be so unkind, and yet look such a perfect angel! + +_Muriel._ I feel exactly like St. Cecilia when I am playing the organ. + +_Claude._ And _I_ feel like St. Anthony, Miss VANE. + + _On the Terrace._ + +_Alan._ To get right away from people, to take a drive together, and +bathe our heads in the golden sunlight! In secret! Do--_do_ let us, +Mrs. TRAVERS! + +[Illustration: "Bathing her head in the golden sunlight."] + +_Viola._ It _would_ be nice! ALBERT is going to town for the day, and +the AVERIDGES are going for an excursion.... But what could we drive +in? + +_Alan._ Oh, _I_ will arrange that. I will hire a dog-cart in the +village; and we must meet in a lane, or a field, or something. And you +must say you have been to teach the orphan boy to sew or something. It +would be too sweet! + +_Viola._ But--Master ROY---- + +_Alan._ _Don't_ call me Master ROY. Call me ALAN--when no one is +listening. + +_Viola._ ALAN--wouldn't it be much simpler, merely to say we were +going for a drive, and to order the carriage? + +_Alan._ Then where's your mystery? + +_Viola._ Very well! Then _mind_ you don't tell anyone! + +_Alan._ Not tell anyone, Mrs. TRAVERS! But what's the use of a secret +if one doesn't tell it to everyone? + +_Viola._ Oh! + +_Alan._ I was only joking, dear Mrs. TRAVERS. At three, then.... +Sh-sh! (_He picks up her fan with the air of a conspirator._) If I +think of anything else, I'll write a little note, and put it under the +clock on that mantelpiece. Shall I? + +_Viola._ What fun! But would it be safe? + +_Alan._ Would you rather we corresponded in the _Times_ about it, Mrs. +TRAVERS? + +_Viola._ You're making fun of the whole thing. + + [_She pouts, &c. He shows by her Line of Fate that all will be + well._ + +_Mrs. Averidge_ (_to herself_). Well of all the dull houses I ever +stayed at!... Piquet in the drawing-room, chants in the billiard-room, +palmistry with Infant Phenomenons on the Terrace!... It's quite +true, too, what that affected little VANE girl said--the colour _is_ +trying.... I'll never come here again! + + [_Retires to her room in disgust._ + + * * * * * + +"HECKLING."--At a meeting of the supporters of Mr. MURRAY, Master +of Elibank, the Liberal candidate for West Edinburgh, the following +"heckle" took place:-- + + "_Mr. Guy._ Seeing you approve of Home Rule all round, what + is the smallest number of Parliaments the United Kingdom would + require? (_Laughter and a Voice:_ 'Send it back to Parliament + Square.') + + _The Master of Elibank._ I think that is a question which + can be settled by an ordinary addition sum. (_Cheers and + laughter._)" + +Which shows that the Master is a real Master of Arts as well as of +Elibank, and, as regards platform difficulties, good at getting out. +But whether he is equally good at "getting in" the future must decide. +A slippery customer, evidently, is Mr. MURRAY, and his title ought to +be "the Master of Eely-bank!" + + * * * * * + +A REAL "MAN OF THE TIMES."--_Mr. Punch_ congratulates Dr. W. H. +RUSSELL, endeared to his friends and companions-in-arms as "BILLY +RUSSELL," on his becoming Sir WILLIAM HOWARD RUSSELL, Knight of the +Pen. _Prosit!_ + + * * * * * + +SCOTCH JUNKETING.--A "Curd Fair" has been held, as usual, at +Kilmarnock, and the number of excursionists who left the town, both by +road and rail, is said to have been very large. Well, of course a Curd +Fair naturally leads to a number of whey-farers! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANIMAL SPIRITS ON DERBY DAY. + +(_With Apologies to W. Frith._)] + + * * * * * + +AFTER THE PLAY. + +_Junior Playgoer._ Why is it called _The Prude's Progress_. I didn't +see any Prude, did you? + +_Elderly Playgoer._ No; and no Progress. Slow. CYRIL MAUDE and FANNY +BROUGH quite the life and soul of the piece. + +_Jun. P._ High premium wanted to insure its life, eh? RIGHTON good all +round man? + +_Eld. P._ Very much all round. PLAYFAIR'S part recalled WYNDHAM +jotting down mems. on shirt-cuff. + +_Jun. P._ Yes; somehow it all reminded me of various pieces I've seen. + +_Eld. P._ Quite so. Remember old pantomime song?-- + + "A little piece here, and a little piece there, + Here a piece, and there a piece, + And everywhere a piece." + +_Jun. P._ And it might finish with author--no (_refers to +programme_)--authors, JEROME and PHILPOTT, singing-- + + "We are two merry, merry men, + Nobody precisely can find us out." + +_Eld. P._ Exactly. Good night old boy. Better luck next time. + + [_Exeunt severally._ + + * * * * * + +THAT TELEGRAM. + +(_Some Yildiz Comments on a Recent Editorial Exploit._) + +_Mashallah!_ Am I, the Full Moon That Blazeth in Heaven Like Anything, +to be bested by a Penny Journalist, a Feringhee Writer of the Thing +that is Not, a Gazetteer who is Ac-cust? Shall I, the Padishah Whose +Piano-playing Edifieth the Distant Constellations, submit to be +out-man[oe]uvred in my own particular line by an Unbelieving Dog, a +Giaour of Giaours? What though he be Lord of Lo Ben and of a Hundred +Press-carts, he shall learn that a Concocter of Copy is no match for +The Unspeakable One! _Inshallah!..._ What ho! Summon the Grand Vizier, +and let the Chief Bowstringer be in attendance! Bring in the medicated +coffee for one, and _rahat lakoum_ for two!... + +What saith the dog of a dragoman? The Infidel Frank refuseth the mark +of My very distinguished Favour, the Medjidieh of the Fourth Class? +Will not _that_ stop his accursed inquisitiveness? Or doth he wish for +an Osmanieh, set in brilliants? Ingleez though he be, he must have his +price!... No? He will _not_ take an Osmanieh, not even of the First +Class!! + +Ah, perhaps he will _give_, if he will not take? Times are hard, and +there is that Russian indemnity. Nay, it need but take the form of an +Irredeemable _Loan_, or a Mortgage on the flourishing revenues of +Our most prosperous province of Arabia Felix. We sorely need a new +ironclad or two, for Our boilers are rusting badly, and Our keels are +rotting beyond repair at their anchorage in the Bosphorus.... + +_What!?_ The alien unbeliever neither giveth nor taketh? And doth +not care one "snuff" (whatever that may mean) whether his telegram to +Europe in general, and the _P-ll M-ll G-z-tte_ in particular, goeth +or not? Verily, he knoweth not the rules of Oriental diplomacy. But +though the telegram shall not go, if we know it, the Sublime Porte +shall yet give the quill-driving outcast a lesson in shilly-shally and +hanky-panky. He shall know that the Commander of the Faithful is not +to be called an impotent Potentate (with a big P) in vain. We will sit +up all night, pretending to re-draft his telegram, and really +enjoying his discomfiture! "Impotent Potentate," indeed! Let the chief +telegraph-clerk be beheaded on the spot!... + + * * * * * + +"WHEEL AND WOE."--"A Word of Warning" to women bicyclists appeared +in the _St. James's Gazette_ last Friday, by "A Medical Man." Quite +right. This Round of Wheel is overdone. Instead of "Wheel," the Medico +cries "Woa!" + + * * * * * + +THE LOSS OF RICHMOND HILL. + +AIR--"_The Lass of Richmond Hill._" + + From Richmond Hill there is a view + As fair as Tempe's morn; + Its charms are such that sure by few + Their loss were calmly borne. + This view so sweet, no "Jerry" street + Must intercept or kill; + We all decline thus to resign, + The view from Richmond Hill! + + How happy would that builder be + Who'd call that plot his own! + His heart is fixed on lease and fee, + Ours on the view alone. + This view so sweet must rest complete, + For not with our good will + For villas fine will we resign + That view from Richmond Hill! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FELINE AMENITIES. + +"ARE YOU GOING TO THE BROWNS' DANCE?" + +"NO. I HAVEN'T BEEN ASKED." + +"OH--I SUPPOSE IT'S QUITE A _YOUNG_ PEOPLE'S DANCE, YOU KNOW!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, May 20._--JAMES GALLOWAY WEIR is a sore man +the night. Ross and Cromarty hide their diminished head--or should it +be heads?--before the illuminated mountain tops of Inverness-shire. +THE MACGREGOR has done him at last, done him hopelessly. Since the +present Parliament met, he and THE MACGREGOR have run pretty evenly, +neck and neck in race to show what Scotland can do in this way when +it concentrates its mighty mind on the effort. In former times Ireland +had monopoly of the Crank as he was returned to Parliament. Scotch +Members preserved traditional reputation of their country as the +home of dour-headed businesslike men. WEIR standing alone would have +sufficed to tear this fable to tatters. THE MACGREGOR unaided +would have confounded the tradition. The combination of talent was +irresistible, overpowering in its force of conviction. + +Between these eminent men there has been, from the first, a feeling +of generous rivalry. THE MACGREGOR, as befitted the riper genius, has +been more successful in concealing it. Whenever he has put a question +about the Crofters, WEIR has managed to drop in with supplementary +inquiry. His name appearing in the report, watchful Scotia would take +note that THE MACGREGOR was not the only one of her sons who, in a +foreign land, cared for her interests. THE MACGREGOR, on the contrary, +not less loftily because without apparent design, ignored WEIR. +There is reason to believe he did not regard with fullest measure of +appreciation his intellectual capacity, his business aptitude, or his +parliamentary manner. + +"A puir creature!" he said, one night, staring straight up at the +gaslit roof. There was no one up there at the moment, and as this +happened to be the night when WEIR had eleven questions on the paper, +by way of showing his want of confidence in the Government, and was +approaching the ninth with ever deepening chest notes, there is too +much reason to fear that at that moment the Member for Inverness-shire +was not unconscious of the existence of the Member for Ross and +Cromarty. + +JAMES GALLOWAY'S boot-issuing and blood-curdling tones; his tragic +reiteration of the phrase, "Is the right hon. gentleman a Weir?" The +solemn sweep of his arm as he places the reluctant _pince-nez_ on +his disputatious nose; his stare of haughty surprise when Lowlanders +opposite titter at his inquiry about the lost handle of the parish +pump in outraged Pitlochrie; his habit of turning up at unexpected +places on either side of the House below the Gangway--these things +are unique in their way. In the aggregate they would, save for THE +MACGREGOR, have placed him on an unapproachable pinnacle. After +to-night he will reign alone. The other King of the Bedlam Brentford +has abdicated. But evermore there will rest over JAMES GALLOWAY the +chill shadow of the mighty triumph with which his rival closed his +public career. + +Nothing in the parliamentary life of THE MACGREGOR became him so well +as its quittance. The artful way in which he led the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD +up to confession of intent with respect to the Crofters Bill; the +SQUIRE'S humble plea to wait till Thursday; the MACGREGOR'S stern +response, "That is not good enough for me;" then his swinging march +down the Gangway (almost you could hear the pibroch playing); his halt +before the Mace; his stately bow to the SPEAKER; the march resumed; +the fresh halt at the Bar; another sweeping obeisance (again fancy +feigned the faint sound of the distant pibroch), and the MACGREGOR was +o'er the border, and awa'. + +"A puir daft body," said JAMES GALLOWAY WEIR, his musing sight, by +strange coincidence, also fixed on the ceiling. + +_Business done._--THE MACGREGOR shakes the dust of the House of +Commons from off his feet. In disordered state of things that +followed, paralysed Government escaped defeat in Committee on Welsh +Disestablishment Bill by narrow majority of nine. + +_Tuesday._--Surely never was such a place in the world as House of +Commons for bifurcations. Within memory of man there was a time +when, of two sides of the political highway, Liberals trod one, +Conservatives paced the other. Now House is broken up into half a +dozen parties, each with its infinitude of sections. Most depressing +and disappointing development of this tendency appears to-night. The +Eldest-Son Party is just bereft of one of its most active members by +WOLMER'S accession to Earldom. General GEORGE CURZON, whose forces, +on full muster, counted two, is now reduced, on Queen's Birthdays and +other State occasions, to reviewing ST. JOHN BRODRICK, _seul._ Force +of habit still strong, and, when speaking to-night, he made House +acquainted with the views on constitutional question which "I and my +friends hold." + +[Illustration: THE MACGREGOR RETIRES TO HIS CAVE. + +_Mr. W-r._ "Mon, if I hadna thocht he was jokin', I wad ha' gone +mysel',--to be even wi' 'im!"] + +It may be singular, but so is the number of the friends. CRANBORNE, in +one of his fiery speeches, made it clear just now that the Eldest +Sons are divided on the question which General GEORGE CURZON, +Quartermaster-General ST. JOHN BRODRICK, and the late Army (now gone +to another place) made their own. This defection from within not made +up by sustentation from without. JOSEPH, having got a little mixed +between what he said on Coleridge peerage case, and the exact reverse +put forward by him with equal confidence on the Selborne case, +judiciously absented himself to-night. COURTNEY also absent. PRINCE +ARTHUR sat ominously silent on Front Bench, whilst DICK WEBSTER backed +up SQUIRE OF MALWOOD in denouncing position assumed by General GEORGE +and Quartermaster-General ST. JOHN. As for the Army, multitudinously +alluded to as "the Hon. WILLIAM WALDEGRAVE PALMER, commonly called +Viscount WOLMER, now Earl of SELBORNE," it was withdrawn, interned as +garrisons are at particular crises of civic life. House gladly ordered +issue of new writ for West Edinburgh. Constitution remains unreformed, +and WILLIAM WALDEGRAVE--to quote with slight variation from the +appropriate source of tombstone literature-- + + Called hence by early doom, + Lives but to show how sweet an Earl + In House of Lords may bloom. + +_Business done._--Clause III. added to Welsh Disestablishment Bill. + +_Thursday._--The Bashful BARTLEY, temporarily overcoming a +constitutional weakness that is the despair of his friends, and has +proved a serious block in the way of his public advancement, put +himself forward just now. Is disturbed by dalliance of Lord BRASSEY, +sometime ago appointed Governor of Victoria. BARTLEY has conviction +that if, in good time coming, his party should acknowledge faithful +service by appointing him to Governorship, he would lose no time in +entering upon his new sphere of usefulness. That course Lord BRASSEY +might be expected to follow. "Instead of which, he goes about the +country--stealing ducks," BARTLEY, impelled by swing of the quotation, +was about to add. Pulling himself up in time, he added, "making party +political speeches in favour of candidates at elections." + +SYDNEY BUXTON, in his most Severe-Young-Man-manner, informed the not +quite Blameless BARTLEY that BRASSEY not yet set out to undertake +Governorship of Victoria because he is not yet Governor. HOPETOUN'S +term does not expire till September, and unless it were desired to run +the risk of a sort of colonial _Box and Cox_ scene, it would be well +he should await the due date of his succession. + +BARTLEY blushed, said nothing--at least, not aloud. To himself +muttered, "They may say what they like; but, after all, bashfulness is +the best policy." + +The TIRESOME TOMLINSON so affected by this repulse of an esteemed +friend and neighbour that when, later in sitting, BARTLEY, forgetting +his pious resolve, moved amendment to Budget Bill exempting a wife's +revenues from income-tax, T. T., rushing out to support him in +division lobby, lost the way. When he arrived at lobby door, found it +locked. Rattled at handle; kicked panel. For only reply came whisper +through keyhole, in voice he recognised as TOMMY BOWLES': "Too late. +Go away, you foolish virgin." + +"Bad enough," said T. T., "to lose chance of voting against the +Government. But why TOMMY BOWLES should call me a foolish virgin, I +don't know. Do I look like one?" + +_Business done._--Scotch Grand Committee set up. Opposition +straightway go and gather sticks wherewith to knock it down. + +_Friday._--Came across little group in lobby just now steeped in +brackish waters of tribulation. Only three of them, but they seemed to +have all the trouble of the world divided amongst them. + +"What's the matter?" I asked. "Been listening to two hours' debate on +Budget Bill in Committee?" + +"Worse than that," said HART DYKE. "Haven't you heard? CARMARTHEN, +riding out on his bicycle, came by sudden turn on steam-roller. +Bicycle shied; pitched DOLLY off." + +"Poor DOLLY!" said JOHN PENN, mopping his eye with a J pen-wiper. "He +fell on his head." + +HART DYKE and MARK LOCKWOOD (together)--"Oh, then he's not hurt." +Sudden brightening of faces as load of apprehension removed from mind; +walked off quite cheerfully. + +Gracious, kind-hearted comrades! So pleasant, amid turmoil of +political warfare, to come upon idyllic scene like this, and learn how +sweet a thing is friendship. + +_Business done._--Budget Bill through Committee. + +[Illustration: "NOT FOR JO-ACHIM!" + +["The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER said that the right hon. member for +St. George's had referred to the fact that this was leap year, and +they all knew that in leap year proposals could be made that would be +considered rather extraordinary in ordinary times. (_Laughter._) To +accept the right hon. gentleman's proposal would not be consistent +with his duty."--_Times._]] + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Sundry missing or damaged puctuation has been repaired. + +This book contains dialect, some deliberately fractured English words, +and the occasional French word. All have been retained; it's Punch! + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +108, June 1, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42485 *** |