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diff --git a/42400-0.txt b/42400-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..29989bc --- /dev/null +++ b/42400-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3544 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42400 *** + +MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE + +PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR + +Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON + +Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the +cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic +draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its +beginning in 1841 to the present day. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration:] _Edwin (suddenly, after a long pause)._ "Darling!" + +_Angelina._ "Yes, darling?" + +_Edwin._ "Nothing, darling. Only _darling_, darling!" + + [_Bilious Old Gentleman feels quite sick._ + +] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE + +BEING + +THE HUMOURS OF COURTSHIP AND MATRIMONY + +[Illustration] + +_WITH 150 ILLUSTRATIONS_ + +BY + + JOHN LEECH, + CHARLES KEENE, + GEORGE DU MAURIER, + SIR JOHN TENNIEL, + PHIL MAY, + E. T. REED, + L. RAVEN-HILL, + GORDON BROWNE, + TOM BROWNE, + J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, + C. E. BROCK, + REGINALD CLEAVER, + CHARLES PEARS, + A. S. BOYD, + LEWIS BAUMER, + DAVID WILSON, + G. L. STAMPA, + AND OTHERS. + +PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" + +THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD. + +THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR + +_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_ + + LIFE IN LONDON + COUNTRY LIFE + IN THE HIGHLANDS + SCOTTISH HUMOUR + IRISH HUMOUR + COCKNEY HUMOUR + IN SOCIETY + AFTER DINNER STORIES + IN BOHEMIA + AT THE PLAY + MR. PUNCH AT HOME + ON THE CONTINONG + RAILWAY BOOK + AT THE SEASIDE + MR. PUNCH AFLOAT + IN THE HUNTING FIELD + MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN + MR. PUNCH AWHEEL + BOOK OF SPORTS + GOLF STORIES + IN WIG AND GOWN + ON THE WARPATH + BOOK OF LOVE + WITH THE CHILDREN + +[Illustration: Take Back the Heart That You Gave Me] + +ABOUT MATRIMONIAL JOKES, AND ONE IN PARTICULAR + +Of all Mr. Punch's jokes it might be fair to say that none has ever +rivalled the popularity of "Advice to persons about to marry,--Don't!" +unless it be that of the Scotsman who had been no more than a few hours +in London, "when bang went saxpence!" Of the latter, more in its place; +here, we are immediately concerned with "Punch's advice." The most +preposterous stories are current among the uninformed as to the origin +of some of Mr. Punch's favourite jests. Only recently we heard a +gentleman telling a group of people in a hotel smoking-room that Mark +Twain got a hundred pounds from Punch for writing that famous line, "I +used your soap two years ago; since then I have used no other," familiar +to every one by Mr. Harry Furniss's drawing of a disreputable tramp who +is supposed to be writing the words quoted. As a matter of fact, the +idea came to Mr. Furniss from an anonymous correspondent. Stories +equally, if not more, absurd have been told as to the origin of "Punch's +advice," which, thanks to the researches of Mr. Spielmann, we now know +to have been the happy inspiration of Henry Mayhew, one of the founders +of _Punch_. It was sixty-one years ago that Mayhew wrote the line, and +how many millions of times it must have been quoted since one dare not +guess! + +It may be said to have struck the keynote of Mr. Punch's matrimonial +policy, as an examination of his pages reveals him an incorrigible +pessimist on the subject of marriage. He is very hard on the +mother-in-law, but in all his life he has not made more than one or two +jokes about the young wife's pastry, though he has made a good deal of +fun about her general ignorance of domestic affairs. Nor has he spared +the bachelor or the old maid, and the designing widow has been an +especial butt for his shafts. + +It might be a good thing to pass a law prohibiting young and +marriageable men from reading _Punch_, in order to save many of them +from being discouraged and frightened out of the thought of marriage, +and it would certainly be an incentive thereto--they would be tempted to +become Benedicts if only that they might qualify for the removal of the +prohibition! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DRIVEN TO DESPERATION"] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +ADVICE TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.--Don't. + + * * * * * + +ADVICE TO PERSONS WHO HAVE "FALLEN IN LOVE."--Fall out. + + * * * * * + +ENCOURAGING.--_George (who has just engaged himself to the Girl of his +heart) breaks the happy news to his friend Jack (who has been married +some time)._--_Jack._ "Ah! well, my dear fellow, marriage is the best +thing in the long run, and I can assure you that after a year or two a +man gets used to it, and feels just as jolly as if he'd never married at +all!" + + * * * * * + +A DEFINITION.--Flirtation: a spoon with nothing in it. + + * * * * * + +DOMESTIC.--It was a homely but pungent observation, on the part of a man +of much experience and observation, that marriage without love was like +tripe without onions. + + * * * * * + +ADAGE BY A YOUNG LADY.--Man proposes, but mamma disposes. + + * * * * * + +BY A BEASTLY OLD BACHELOR.--A married man's fate (in brief).--Hooked, +booked, cooked. + + * * * * * + +DESCRIBE A HOME-CIRCLE.--The wedding ring. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO FIX THE HAPPY DAY.--_Q._ When's the best day for a wedding? _A._ +Why, of course, "A _Weddin's day_." + + * * * * * + + DOMESTIC ECONOMY. + + Said Stiggins to his wife one day, + "We've nothing left to eat; + If things go on in this queer way, + We shan't make _both ends meet_." + + The dame replied, in words discreet, + "We're not so badly fed, + If we can make but _one_ end _meat_, + And make the other _bread_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Clergyman._ "Augustus, wilt thou take this woman----" + +_Bride (late of Remnant & Co.'s Ribbon Department). "Lady!"_] + + * * * * * + +TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.--Take care to choose a lady help, and not a +lady encumbrance. + + * * * * * + +ACCOUNTED FOR AT LAST.--Is it not strange that the "best man" at a +wedding is not the bridegroom? This must be the reason of so many +unhappy marriages. + + * * * * * + +THE BEST WARDS OF A LATCHKEY.--Homewards! + + * * * * * + +ONE GREAT LOTTERY OFFICE STILL RECOGNISED BY THE LAW.--The Marriage +Register. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "There goes the _second_ Mrs. Muggeray!" + +"Gracious! What on earth did he marry her for?" + +"Oh, he said he wanted some one to amuse the children!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WONDERFUL WHAT AN ADJECTIVE WILL DO + +_Brown (newly married--to Jones, whom he entertained a few evenings +previously)._ "Well, what did you think of us, old boy, eh?" + +_Jones._ "Oh, pretty flat. Er--awfully pretty flat!"] + + * * * * * + +SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY.--"But _why_ do you want to marry her?" "Because I +_love_ her!" "My dear fellow, that's an _excuse_--not a _reason_!" + + * * * * * + +TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.--What is enough for one, is half enough for +two, short commons for three, and starvation for half a dozen. + + * * * * * + + LOVE SONG + + Love me, lady! + My hair is gray; + When round comes pay-day + I cannot pay. + My corns are awful, + My prospects shady, + I want a comforter: + Love me, lady! + + * * * * * + +NOTES OF ADMIRATION.--Love letters. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THERE IS A TIE THAT BINDS US TO OUR HOMES"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _He._ "I can't understand Phyllis rejecting me last +night." + +_She._ "Never mind. You'll soon get over it." + +_He._ "Oh, _I_'ve got over it right enough; but I can't help feeling so +doosid sorry for _her_. I shan't ask her again!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A NIGHT OF IT" + +_Young Wife_ (2 A.M.). "Dinner at the Albion! the theatre! and supper +and a rubber at the club! Well, Henry, I wonder you did not go to all +the places of amusement in London, and (_sobbing_) not come home all +night!" + +_Henry._ "My dear, all th' other places shu' rup!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SENSE AND SENSIBILITY + +A FRAGMENT + +"Yes, Robert! But O! do look at the excellent evening glow on yon distant +hills! How solemn!! How sublime!" + +"O! stunning. Well, _then_ I measured the scullery: six feet by ten... +that'll just do, won't it?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIMARY ROCK] + + * * * * * + +THE EFFECT OF GETTING MARRIED.--"Poor Dick! how sadly he is altered +since his marriage!" remarked one friend to another. "Why, yes, of +course," replied the other; "directly a man's neck is in the nuptial +noose, every one must see that he's a haltered person." + + * * * * * + +A BAD PRE-EMINENCE.--What is there beats a good wife? A bad husband. + + * * * * * + +QUESTION BY A SEWING MACHINE.--What is woman's true sphere?--The +_Hem_isphere. + + * * * * * + +A MARRIAGE QUESTION.--If a man addicted to smoking marries a widow, does +it follow that he must lay down his pipe, because she gives up her +weeds? + + * * * * * + +A READY-MADE REJOINDER.--_He._ "You made a fool of me when I married +you, ma'am!" _She._ "Lor! You always told me you were a self-made man!" + + * * * * * + +MEM. BY AN OLD MAID.--If you "look over your age," you won't find anyone +else willing to do the same. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MAFEKING NIGHT + +(_Or rather_ 3 A.M. _the following morning_) + +_Voice_ (_from above_). "Good gracious, William! Why _don't_ you come to +bed?" + +_William_ (_huskily_). "My dear Maria, you know it's been the rule of my +life to go to bed shober--and I can't posh'bly come to bed yet!"] + + * * * * * + +THE NEOGAMS--A WARNING + +[Illustration] + + Newly married, + Railway carried; + Sighing. + At the station + Osculation; + Crying. + + Smiling, parting; + Hands at starting + Gripping. + Cozy quarters, + Guards and porters + Tipping. + +[Illustration] + + On the journey + Glances yearny, + Mooning. + Closely sitting, + As is fitting, + Spooning. + + Destination; + Forced cessation. + Pity! + Porters poking + Fun, and joking, + Witty. + + On arriving, + Carriage driving; + Kissing. + Lovely scenery, + Lakes and greenery, + Missing. + + Hotel, _table + d'hôte_ a rabble. + Shun it! + Private cover + Sooner over-- + Done it. + + Champagne drinking; + Waiter winking. + Curious! + People smiling; + Very riling; + Furious. + +[Illustration] + + After dining, + Arms entwining, + Walking + Sipping honey-- + What's there funny?-- + Talking. + + So time passes; + Grinning asses + Guess 'em + Newly married, + Sorely harried-- + Bless 'em! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Casual Acquaintance._. "Hear you're to be married, Mr. +Ribbes. Congratulate you!" + +_Mr. Ribbes._ "Much obliged, but I dunno so much about congratulations. +It's corstin' me a pretty penny, I tell yer. Mrs. Ribbes as is to be, +she wants 'er _trousseau_, yer know; an' then there's the furnishin', +an' the licence, an' the parson's fees; an' then I 'ave to give 'er an' +'er sister a bit o' jool'ry a-piece; an' wot with one thing an' +another--she's a 'eavy woman, yer know, thirteen stun odd--well, I +reckon she'll 'a corst me pretty near _two-an'-eleven a pound_ afore I +git 'er 'ome!"] + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF THE HEARTH-RUG + +THE NEGLECTED WIFE TO HER RUSHLIGHT + + My rushlight, when first kindled, + Twelve inches long wast thou; + And I behold thee dwindled + To one, my candle, now! + + How brief thy span, contrasted + With rushlight's average life! + A happier dip had lasted + A week a happier wife. + + Where is my husband got to? + Oh say, expiring light! + A man ought really not to + Stay out so every night. + + I'm sure that Bradshaw's press'd him + To join his tippling lot: + That Bradshaw! I detest him;-- + The good-for-nothing sot! + + Would that this piece of paper, + Which, ere thy flame expire, + I light from thee, my taper, + Could set that club on fire. + + * * * * * + +A BLUNDER-BUSS.--Kissing the wrong girl. + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR THE MARRIED.--Never dis-pair. + + * * * * * + +MEM. BY "ONE WHO MARRIED IN HASTE."--"The real 'Battle of Life' begins +with a short engagement." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Time--3 A.M.] + +_Voice from above._ "Is that you, John? You're very late, aren't you?" + +_Brown (returned from celebrating the latest victory)._ "It's only +about--er--twelve, my dear, I think----" + +_The Cuckoo Clock._ "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!" + +_Brown (grasping situation instantly)._ "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! +Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WET NURSE] + + * * * * * + +"LITERA SCRIPTA."--_Wooer._ "Oh, Miss--oh, Lavinia! may I not still +hope?--or is your cruel rejection of my suit final and irrevoc----" +_Spinster (firmly)._ "Yes, Mr. Brown, I seriously desire you will regard +it so." _Wooer._ "Then, dearest, may I ask you"--(_producing the +materials from adjacent writing-table_)--"to--ah--put it on papar! I +shall feel safer!" + + * * * * * + +A "NOISELESS SEWING MACHINE."--A good wife. + + * * * * * + +PAUCA VERBA.--_Robinson (after a long Whist bout at the Club)._ "It's +awfully late, Brown. What will you say to your wife?" _Brown (in a +whisper)._ "Oh, I shan't say much, you know--'Good morning, dear,' or +something o' that sort. She'll say the rest!!!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVE THE FARE] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PLAYING DOWN TO HIM.--_Young couple (who expect the visit +of a very miserly relative, from whom they have expectations) are +clearing the room of every sign of luxury._ + +_Wife (earnestly)._ "We must do all we can to make uncle feel at home." + +_Husband (caustically)._ "Then we had better let the fire out."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fair Widow._ "Yes, I've made up my mind that when I die +I shall be cremated, as my husband was." + +_Gallant Captain._ "Dear lady, please don't talk about such dreadful +things. Consider how much better it would be, in your case, +to--er--_cross out the C!_"] + + * * * * * + +_Visitor (to Friend lately left a Widower)._--"Hullo, Tom! That looks a +stiffish bill you've got there!" + +_Tom._ "Ah, how those rascals of undertakers do fleece you! They know +you can hardly help yourself! Of course, in my poor wife's case I would +cheerfully have paid double. But one hates to be done.--Um!" + + * * * * * + +A WIFE'S VOCATION.--Husbandry. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DECLARATION + +"Louisa, you've stolen something." + +"Go on!" + +"You 'ave." + +"You're a----! _What_ 'ave I stole?" + +"_My 'eart!_"] + + * * * * * + +MARRIAGE MEMORIES + +_What the Father says._--Which side must I stand on when I give her +away? + +_What the Mother says._--I am sure the ices will be late for the +breakfast. + +_What the Sister says._--I flatter myself I am the best looking of the +eight bridesmaids. + +_What the Brother says._--Of course, the best man is behind his +time--just like him! + +_What the Pew-opener says._--This way, my dear young lady! + +_What the Beadle says._--They are sure to be in time, sir. I will motion +to you the moment I see 'em a coming. + +_What the Clergyman says._--Have you got the ring? + +_What the Crowd says._--Hoorray! That's 'er! Oh, ain't 'e a guy! + +_What the Old Friend of the Family says._--I have known him too since he +was so high. That was nigh upon forty years ago! + +_What the Funny Man says._--You can see from my face that I am just the +man to be associated with the bridesmaids. + +_What the Best Man says._--Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking. + +_What the Bride says._--Good-bye, my own darling mamma and papa, +and--Emmy dear, please _do_ see the things are all right before we +start. + +_What the Bridegroom says._--Thank goodness, it is all over. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DECEIVERS EVER" + +_Goldsmith._ "Would you like any name or motto engraved on it, sir?" + +_Customer_ (_who had chosen an engagement ring_). +"Ye--yes--um--'Augustus to Irene.' And--ah--loo' here--don't--ah--cut +'Irene' very deep!!"] + + * * * * * + +A SCIENTIFIC WOOER + + "Drink to me only with thine eyes"-- + And if you happen to survive a + So curious potion, pray advise + How it affects the conjunctiva! + This problem, which my mind absorbs, + A veritable Gordian knot is: + How can maids swallow with their orbs? + Where's the protecting epiglottis? + + "I sent thee late a rosy wreath"-- + For Science' sake, my Angelina, + And hope you noticed underneath + Those buds of _rosa damascena._ + No high-flown zeal my soul uplifts, + And as for ardour, I've not got any;-- + I simply send you floral gifts + To help you forward with your botany! + + * * * * * + +THE FLIRT'S PARADISE.--Coquet Island. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO SWEET OF HER! + +_Lady_ (_recently married, in answer to congratulations of visiting lady +friend_). "Thank you, dear. But I still find it very hard to remember my +new name." + +_Friend._ "Ah, dear, but of course you had the old one so long!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Oh, George dear, the landlord has raised the rent!" + +"Has he? _I_ can't!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EVIDENCE OF AN EYE-WITNESS + +_Guest._ "Why do you believe in second sight, Major?" + +_Major Darby_ (_in an impressive whisper_). "Because _I_ fell in love at +_first_ sight!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FULL MOON] + +[Illustration: FIRST QUARTER] + +[Illustration: THIRD QUARTER] + +[Illustration: NO MOON] + + * * * * * + +THE BRUTE CREATION.--Husbands who beat their wives. + + * * * * * + +THE HEIGHT OF MODESTY.--The most bashful girl we ever knew was one who +blushed when she was asked if she had not been courting sleep. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "_Are_ you comin' 'ome?" + +"I'll do ellythik you _like_ in reasol, M'ria--(_hic_)--bur I _won't_ +come 'ome."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Harold._ "And now, darling, tell me what your father +said when you told him we were engaged." + +_Sybil._ "Oh, Harold, don't ask me to repeat his language!"] + + * * * * * + +TO ALL THE OTHER GIRLS + + You know, I like you awfully, Jess, + Phyllis, the same applies to you, + To Edith and to Mary no less, + Also to others, not a few. + Yet some of you are rather "mad," + You choose to feel, I understand, a + Slight sense of injury, since I've had + The glorious luck to win Amanda. + + I wish, sincerely, it were not + Impossible for me to fall + In love with _some_ of you--a _lot_-- + In fact I'd gladly love you _all_! + But, when you come to think it out, + I'm sure my reasoning will strike you, + You'll find it, I can have no doubt, + More flattering that I should like you. + + Fate sends their wives to poor and rich, + Fate does not send them thus their friends; + Then let my final couplet (which + I rather fancy) make amends. + This fundamental truth, I trust, + My seeming fickleness excuses-- + One simply loves because one _must_ + Whereas one likes because one _chooses_! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HIGHLY SATISFACTORY + +_Mistress._ "I'm sorry for you, John; but if your wife has got such a +dreadful temper, why did you marry her?" + +_Coachman_ (_the Fourth Husband_). "Well, mum, I had three good +characters with her?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _A._ "That's Jones's daughter with him. She's just about +to be married." + +_B._ "Who's the lucky man?" + +_A._ "Jones."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FESTIVE PROSPECT! + +_Husband._ "Didn't I tell you not to invite your mother back in my----" + +_Wife._ "Dear, that's the very thing she's come about! She read your +letter!" [_Tableau._ + +] + + * * * * * + +VALENTINE'S DAY--THEN AND NOW + +[Illustration: DOMESTIC TIE] + + THEN--THIRTY YEARS AGO. _Family assembled._ + +_Paterfamilias._ Post nearly two hours late! Really disgraceful! + +_Materfamilias._ Well, dear, remember it's only once a year, and we used +to enjoy it ourselves before we were married! + +_Eldest Daughter._ I got half-a-dozen last year. I dare say I shall get +twice as many this. + +_Second Daughter._ I dare say! I believe you send them yourself! + +_Eldest Daughter._ So probable! How can you think of such silly things! +And how spiteful of you! + +_Son and Heir._ Don't quarrel, girls! And here's the post. + +_Enter servant with heaps of letters, which are eagerly seized and +distributed._ + +_Chorus._ What are they? + +_Paterfamilias_ (_disgusted at his budget_). Valentines! + + NOW--TO-DAY. _Family assembled as before._ + +_Paterfamilias._ The fourteenth of February. Dear me, surely this is a +memorable date--somehow. + +_Materfamilias._ To be sure, father. It's Valentine's Day. + +_Eldest Daughter._ Is it really true, mother, that people used to +receive pictures just as we do Christmas cards? + +_Second Daughter._ Come, _you_ can surely remember. It's not so very +long for you. + +_Eldest Daughter._ Don't be spiteful! Remember, miss, there's only a +couple of years between us! + +_Second Daughter._ Really! From our appearance there might be a decade! + +_Son and Heir._ Don't quarrel, girls! And here's the post! + +_Enter servant with a solitary letter._ + +_Chorus._ What is it? + +_Paterfamilias_ (_perusing a bill_). Not a Valentine! + + * * * * * + +"THE ACT OF UNION."--Getting married. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _That dear old Mrs. Wilkinson_ (_who can't always express +exactly what she means to say, meeting Jones with the girl of his +choice_). "And is this young lady your _fiasco_, Mr. Jones?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Brown._ "I say, old man, who's that very plain elderly +lady you were walking with--now sitting here?" + +_Smith_ (_the impecunious, who has married money_). "Oh, that's my +wife." + +_Brown._ "Your wife! But"--(_lowering his voice_)--"She has only one +eye--and so awfully--I beg your pardon--but----" + +_Smith_ (_pleasantly_). "You needn't whisper, old man. She's _deaf_"] + + * * * * * + +LOVE IN LACONICS + + _He._ Love you! Have me, dear? + _She._ Humph! How much a year? + _He._ Three hundred! Expectations. + _She._ Tales of hope! Relations? + _He._ Aunt. Ten thousand pounder. + Eighty. Always found her + Liberal. Thinks me Crichton, + Seedy now at Brighton. + Made her will,--a right 'un! + _She._ Ah! _Aunt_-icipations,-- + Like _x_ in equations-- + Unknown quantity? + Question! Let me see, + Love + "screw" + _x_ + (Latter for expecs) + Equals Me + You! + Hardly think 'twill do! + Do not wish to vex, + But,--first find out _x_! + _He._ If I prove _x_ ample-- + _She._ I'll no longer trample + On your hopes. + _He._ Agreed! + _She._ Hope you may succeed! + + * * * * * + +THE RESULT OF AN IMPRUDENT MARRIAGE (_by our own Matrimonial +Adviser_).--County Court-ship. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Ethel._ "Why, what's the matter, Gertrude?" + +_Gertrude._ "Oh, nothing. Only Jack and I had a quarrel the other day, +and I wrote and told him never to dare to speak or write to me +again,---- and the wretch hasn't even had the decency to answer my +letter!"] + + * * * * * + +THE IDEAL HUSBAND + +My dear Ethel,--You ask me what "sort of a husband" I recommend. My +dear, ask me the name of a dressmaker, of a doctor, or of a (ugh!) +dentist, and I can tell you precisely. I can name the man. But what sort +of a husband! Well, after sifting the matter carefully, and after +looking before _you_ leap, and after an experience of some few years of +married life, I say, decidedly, choose a man . . . + +[Illustration: WHO LIKES TO GO SHOPPING.] + +You will find him very useful if managed judiciously; he will prove an +immense saving to you, as if you went alone you would have to tip +porters, and squabble with cabmen. Then from a certain view I should +advise some of those "about to marry" to select a man who has no club. +But this is an exceptional case. Finally, if you wish to be strictly +economical, and to live in the suburbs, or in the country, and if your +husband has no occupation or profession, then I should say, in order +that you may attend assiduously to your domestic duties, which include +visiting, five o'clock teas, and so forth, then ascertain that your +husband is of a maternal disposition, and one . . . + +[Illustration: WHO DOES THIS.] + +If I think of anything else I will let you know. But, above all, please +yourself, and by so doing you will delight . . . + +[Illustration] + +Yours affectionately, DORA. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OUT OF THE FRYING-PAN," &c. + +_Parson_ (_to Ne'er-do-weel_). "What's this I hear, Giles--that your +wife has left you! Ah! this is what I----" + +_Giles._ "She might do worse than that, sir." + +_Parson_ (_shocked_). "Worse!" + +_Giles._ "She might come back again!"] + + * * * * * + +TO A RICH YOUNG WIDOW. + + I will not ask if thou canst touch + The tuneful ivory key? + Those silent notes of thine are such + As quite suffice for me. + + I'll make no question if thy skill + The pencil comprehends, + Enough for me, love, if thou still + Canst draw thy dividends! + + * * * * * + +"SO SELFISH?"--_Husband_ (_with pride_). "My love, I've been +effecting--I've insured my life to-day for ten thousand pou----" + +_Young Wife._ "Just like the men! Always looking out for themselves! I +think--you might have insured mine while you were about it!!" + + * * * * * + +BY A FASHIONABLE YOUNG MARRIED WOMAN.--The latest thing out--My husband. + + * * * * * + +CELIBACY AND WEDLOCK.--If single life is bad, then it stands to reason +that double life is twice as bad. + + * * * * * + +EMPLOYMENT FOR WOMEN.--Matchmaking. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VERY NECESSARY + +_Young Wife._ "I'm so happy! I wonder you never married." + +_Elderly Spinster._ "My child, I've always said I never _would_ and +never _could_ marry until I met a man different from other men and full +of courage." + +_Young Wife._ "Of course you couldn't. How stupid of me."] + + * * * * * + +THE "OFF" SEASON + + Daphne, that day + Do you remember + (Then it was May, + Now it's November) + + Plighting our troth + Nothing should sever; + Binding us both + Firmly, for ever? + + Yes, I allow + Strephon's more showy;-- + As for me, now + I prefer Chloe. + + Yet, if men say + "Fickle," remember + Then it was May, + Now it's November. + + * * * * * + +PAPER FOR THE NEWLY-MARRIED.--_The Economist._ + + * * * * * + +"À PROPOS!"--_Sententious Old Bachelor_ (_in the course of +conversation_). "As the 'old saw' has it, my dear madam, 'Man proposes, +but----'" + +_Widow_ (_promptly_). "Yes; but that's just what he doesn't do!" + (_Tableau!_) + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR THE DIVORCE COURT.--Marry, and come up! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _She._ "But, George, suppose papa settles my dowry on me +in my own right?" + +_He._ "Well, my dear girl, it's--er--nothing to me if he does!"] + + * * * * * + +LOVE LETTERS OF A BUSINESS MAN. + +[Illustration: ABOUT TO ENTER THE BRIDAL STATE] + +The course of true love, though beset with almost insurmountable +obstacles, often rewards the faithful lovers at the last with supreme +happiness. But, alas! sometimes the said true love proves naught but a +toboggan-slide leading to a precipice, into which the true lovers' hopes +are hurled and dashed into atomic smithereens. + +We have before us a volume of a "Business Man's Love Letters," a few +extracts from which we give below. Reader, if you have a tear, prepare +to shed it now! The burning passion which surges in the lover's heart, +though embodied in phrases habitually used by a business man, is sure to +touch your soul. But presently comes the pathetic ending, when she is no +longer anything to him, and he--to use the imperfect but +comprehensive vernacular--is to her as "dead as a door nail." Reader, +read on! + +I. + +_August_ 1, 1899. + +DEAR MISS SMYTHE,--With reference to my visit last evening at the house +of Mr. John Jorkins, our mutual friend, when I had the pleasure of +meeting you. + +Having been much charmed by your conversation and general +attractiveness, I beg to inquire whether you will allow me to cultivate +the acquaintanceship further. + +Awaiting the favour of your esteemed reply, + +Yours faithfully, + +JOHN GREEN. + +II. + +_August_ 3, 1899. + +MY DEAR MISS SMYTHE,--I beg to acknowledge with many thanks receipt of +your letter of even date, contents of which I note with much pleasure. + +I hope to call this evening at 7.15 p.m., when I trust to find you at +home. + +With kindest regards, I beg to remain, + +Yours very truly, + +JOHN GREEN. + +III. + +_August_ 21, 1899. + +MY DEAREST EVELINA,--Referring to our conversation this evening when +you consented to become my wife. + +I beg to confirm the arrangement then made, and would suggest the +wedding should take place within the ensuing six months. No doubt you +will give the other necessary details your best consideration, and will +communicate your views to me in due course. + +Trusting there is every happiness before us, + +I remain, + +Your darling Chickabiddy, + +JOHN. + +IV. + +_August_ 22, 1899. + +MY OWNEST TOOTSEY-WOOTSEY,--Enclosed please find 22-carat gold +engagement ring, set with thirteen diamonds and three rubies, receipt of +which kindly acknowledge by return. + +Trusting same will give every satisfaction, + +I am, + +Your only lovey-dovey, + +JOHNNY. + +X X X X X X Kindly note kisses. + +V. + +_November_ 24, 1899. + +MY SWEETEST EVELINA,--I am duly in receipt of your letter of 20th inst., +which I regret was not answered before owing to pressure of business. + +In reply thereto I beg to state that I do love you dearly, and only you, +and also no one else in all the world. Further I shall have much +pleasure in continuing to love you for evermore, and no one else in all +the world. + +Trusting to see you this evening as usual and in good health. + +I am, Your ownest own, + +JOHN. + +VI. + +_January_ 4, 1900. + +TO MISS SMYTHE, MADAM,--In accordance with the intention expressed in my +letter of yesterday, I duly forwarded addressed to you a parcel +containing all letters, etc., received from you, and presume they have +been safely delivered. + +I have received to-day, per carrier, a parcel containing various letters +which I have written to you from time to time. No doubt it was your +intention to despatch the complete number written by me, but I notice +one dated August 21 is not included. Will you kindly forward the letter +in question by return, when I will send you a full receipt? + +Yours faithfully, + +JOHN GREEN. + +VII. + +_January_ 6, 1900. + +TO MISS SMYTHE, MADAM,--I beg to acknowledge receipt of your letter of +yesterday, and note your object in retaining my letter of August 21 +last. As I intend to defend the issue in the case, I shall do as you +request, and will leave all further communications to be made through my +solicitors. + +Yours, &c., + +JOHN GREEN. + +VIII. + +15, _Peace Court, Temple, E.C._ + +Messrs. BANG, CRASH & Co., + +_9a, Quarrel Row, E.C._ + +_Smythe_ v. _Green_. + +GENTLEMEN,--We are in receipt of your communication of yesterday's date, +with which you enclose copy of letter dated August 21. We note that you +state the document in question has been duly stamped at Somerset House, +and are writing our client this evening with a view to offering your +client terms, through you, to stay the proceedings which have been +commenced. + +Yours faithfully, + +BLITHERS, BLATHERS, BLOTHERS & Co. + + * * * * * + +STRANGE BUT TRUE.--When does a husband find his wife out? When he finds +her at home and she doesn't expect him. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DOMESTIC BLISS + +_Head of the Family._ "For what we are going to receive, make us truly +thankful.--Hem! Cold mutton again!" + +_Wife of the Bussum._ "And a very good dinner too, Alexander. _Somebody_ +must be economical. _People_ can't expect to have _Richmond_ and +_Greenwich_ dinners out of the little housekeeping money _I_ have."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AN ENGLISH MAN'S HOUSE," Etc. + +Maid (looking over wall to newly married couple just returned from their +honeymoon). "Oh please'm, that dog was sent here yesterday as a wedding +present; and none of us can't go near him. You'll have to go round the +back way!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CAUTION + +_Married Sister._ "And of course, Laura, you will go to Rome or Florence +for your honeymoon?" + +_Laura._ "Oh dear, no! I couldn't think of going further than the Isle +of Wight with a man I know little or nothing of!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LOVE'S PROMPTINGS + +_Edwin_ (_recit_). "'There is no one beside thee, and no one above thee. +Thou standest alone, as the nightingale sings!'" &c., &c. + +_Angelina_ (_amorously_). "Oh, Edwin, how _do_ you think of such +beautiful things?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DIFFERENT ASPECTS + +_She._ "Isn't it a pretty view?" + +_Susceptible Youth._ "Awfully pretty, by Jove!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MARRIED _v._ SINGLE + +_Bee_ (_single_). "Why do you wear a pink blouse, dear? It makes you +look so yellow!" + +_Bella_ (_married_). "Does it, dear? Of course you can make _your_ +complexion suit _any_ blouse, can't you!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _He._ "My people are bothering me to marry Miss Mayford." + +_She._ "You'd be very lucky if you did. She is very clever and very +beautiful----" + +_He._ "Oh! _I_ don't want to marry brains and beauty. I want to marry +_you_."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN AMBIGUOUS COMPLIMENT + +_Miss Beekley._ "I'm so glad _I'm_ not an heiress, Mr. Soper. I should +never know whether my suitors were attracted by myself or my money." + +_Mr. Soper._ "Oh, Miss Beekley, your mirror should leave you in no doubt +on that score!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bulkley._ "Yes; her parents persuaded her, and it's all +over between us." + +_Sympathetic Friend._ "She can't have realised what a lot she was giving +up."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_Wife._ "I hope you talked plainly to him." + +_Husband._ "I did indeed. _I_ told him he was a fool, a perfect fool!" + +_Wife_ (_approvingly_). "Dear John! How exactly like you!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE OLD, OLD STORY! + +_The Colonel._ "Yes; _he_ was senior wrangler of his year, and _she_ +took a mathematical scholarship at Girton; and now they're engaged!" + +_Mrs. Jones._ "Dear me, how interesting! and oh, how different their +conversation must be from the insipid twaddle of ordinary lovers!" + +THEIR CONVERSATION + +_He._ "And what would _dovey_ do, if lovey were to _die_?" + +_She._ "Oh, dovey would die _too_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NEEDLESSLY POINTED + +_Sympathetic Friend._ "Well, my dear, I'm sure your mother will miss you +sadly after your _having been with her so long_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALTRUISM + +_Maud_ (_newly married_). "You look very melancholy, George; are you +sorry you married me?" + +_George._ "No, dear--of course not. I was only thinking of all the nice +girls I can't marry." + +_Maud._ "Oh, George, how horrid of you! I thought you cared for nobody +but me?" + +_George._ "No more I do. I wasn't thinking of myself, but of the +disappointment for _them_."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Jones_ (_newly married_). "There's my darling playing +the guitar."] + +[Illustration: (_But it wasn't. It was only the garden roller over the +gravel!_)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID + +_Jones._ "I will!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_Mr. Jenks_ (_who likes Miss Constance_). "No, I assure you, Miss +Constance, I have _never_ indulged in flirtation." + +_Miss Constance_ (_who does_ not _care for Mr. Jenks_). "Ah, perhaps you +have never had any _encouragement_!"] + + * * * * * + +THE LUXURY OF LIBERTY.--_Bosom Friend._ "Well, dear, now that you are a +widow, tell me are you any the happier for it?" _Interesting Widow._ +"Oh! no. But I have my freedom, and that's a great comfort. Do you know, +my dear, I had an onion yesterday for the first time these fourteen +years?" + + * * * * * + +"THE SILLY SEASON."--The Honeymoon. + + * * * * * + +CONSOLATION.--_Mother-in-law._ "I'll be bound that Robert--I've lost all +patience with him--never dined with you on Michaelmas-day, my dear?" +_Daughter._ "No, mamma, but he sent me home a goose." _Mother-in-law._ +"Psha! Done in a fit of absence, my dear." + + * * * * * + +THE HUSBAND'S REVENGE + +_A Warning to Wives who will keep bad Cooks_ + + Provisions raw + Long time he bore: + Remonstrance was in vain; + To escape the scrub + He join'd a club: + Nor dined at home again. + + * * * * * + +MATRIMONY (_by our Musical Cynic_).--The common c(h)ord of two flats. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DOMESTIC BLISS + +_Little Foot Page_ (_unexpectedly_). "Here's some gentlemen, please, +sir!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +"Can I go abroad to finish, ma?" + +"No. It's time you were married--and men don't care how ill-educated a +woman is." + +"You shouldn't judge everybody by pa, ma!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LEAVING THE PARENTAL NEST + +_The Bride's Father_ (_to Bridegroom_). "Oh, John, you'll take _care_ of +her, _won't_ you!"] + + * * * * * + +REFLECTIONS ON A BROKEN ENGAGEMENT + + We parted--cheerfully! Yet now + I've fallen into disrepute + With nearly all her friends, who vow + That she's an angel, I'm a brute; + Black isn't black enough for me + My conduct will not bear inspection-- + A statement which I hold to be + Fair food for critical reflection. + + We parted. The consummate ease + With which "united hearts" can range + From their allegiance, if they please, + But illustrates the laws of change. + The thoughts and tastes of yester year + Fall under Father Time's correction-- + This is not critical, I fear, + But platitudinous reflection! + + We parted. She had quite a pack + Of friends, "nice boys," as she avowed; + She called them Bob, and Dick, and Jack, + And I was--one amongst the crowd. + I did not, people may infer, + Possess entire her young affection-- + Yet, be it understood, on her + I cast no shadow of reflection! + + We parted. Men cannot persist-- + In playing uncongenial parts-- + I was a keen philatelist, + Her hobby was collecting--hearts + A simple case. I did not pine + To add my heart to her collection, + She had no stamps to add to mine, + We parted--wisely, on reflection! + + * * * * * + +CURIOUS DISTINCTION.--The English love; the French make love.--_Madame +Punch._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_Mr. Grumble._ "I see by the paper that Mount Vesuvius is in eruption." + +_Mrs. G._ "Oh, I'm _so_ glad!" + +_Mr. G._ "There you are again, Maria. Now why on earth should you be +glad?" + +_Mrs. G._ "Well, you can't blame _me_ for it that's all!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OLD FRIENDS + +_He._ "Do you remember your old school-friend Sophy Smythe?" + +_She._ "Yes, indeed, I do. A most absurd-looking thing. So silly too! +What became of her?" + +_He._ "Oh, nothing. Only--I married her."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN THE SAME BOAT + +"I don't think she's pretty." + +"Neither do I." (_After a pause._) "Did she refuse you too?"] + + * * * * * + +GREAT EXPECTATIONS.--_Ethel_ (_youngest daughter_). "Oh, pa dear, what +did Geo---- what did young Mr. Brown want?" _Pa._ "Secret, my love. +'Wished to speak to me privately!" _Ethel._ "Oh, pa, but do tell +me--'cause he was so very attentive to me before you came in--and then +asked me to leave the room." _Pa._ "Well, my dear"--(_in a +whisper_)--"he'd left his purse at the office, and wanted to borrow +eighteenpence to pay his train home!" + + * * * * * + +"SHARP'S THE WORD!"--_Wife._ "Poor mamma is dreadfully low-spirited this +morning, George. Only think--she has just expressed a wish to be +cremated!" _Husband_ (_with alacrity_). "'O'b-less my----" (_Throwing +down his newspaper._) "Tell her to put her things on, dear! I'll--I'll +drive her over at once!!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ON THE CARDS + +_Young Wife._ "Oh, mamma, do you know I believe Alfred's going to +reform, and give up gambling!" + +_Her Mother._ "What makes you think so, dear?" + +_Young Wife._ "Why all last night he kept talking in his sleep about his +miserable, worthless heart!"] + + * * * * * + +PROFESSIONAL LOVE-LETTERS + +[Illustration: LOOKING AFTER THE CHAPS] + +I + +_From_ MR. NORMAN DORMER, _Architect and Surveyor, to_ MISS CAROLINE +TOWER. + +MY PRECIOUS, + +Pity me who must stay and fret in London, while you are enjoying +yourself at Broadstairs. How I long to be there, surveying the ocean by +your side, and tracing your dear name on the sands! But fate and a +father have placed a barrier between us. So I pace up and down before +the old house in T---- Square, and look up at a certain dormitory on the +second story--in no state of elevation you may be sure--and make plans +for the future, and build castles in the air, and try to forget that my +designs on your heart appear ridiculous to your papa, whose estimate of +me I am aware is not in excess. For can I forget what he said that wet +Saturday afternoon in the back drawing-room, when I tendered myself to +him as a son-in-law, and the tender was not accepted? After telling him +that it was the summit, the pinnacle of my ambition to win you +as my wife, did he not answer that he considered I ought not to aspire +to your hand until the statement of my pecuniary means (as he worded it) +was more satisfactory, and, meanwhile, requested me to discontinue my +pointed attentions? Never until _you_ bid me. Only be firm, and the +difficulties now in our way will but serve to cement us more closely +together; only be true and I will wait patiently for that day which +shall put the coping-stone to my happiness. I build upon every word, +every look, every smile I can call to mind. You _will_ write and assure +me there is no foundation for the report of another and more fortunate +competitor, but that I still fill the same niche in your affections I +ever did? For, Caroline, were I to hear you were an "engaged" Tower, I +could not survive the blow. I should stab myself with my compasses in +the back office. + +But away with such gloomy fears. Let me picture her to myself. How plumb +she stands! How arch she looks! What a beam in her eye! What a graceful +curve in her neck! What an exquisitely chiselled nose! What a brick of a +girl altogether! I must stop in my specification, or you will think +there is something wrong in my upper story, and not give credence to a +word I say. + +I have just been calling on your sister, and saw your little pet Poppy, +who talked in her pretty _Early English_ about "Tant Tarry." Aunt Sarah +was there, staying the day, looking as mediæval as ever, and with her +hair dressed in the usual Decorated style. She hinted that you were +imperious, and that any man who married you must make up his mind (grim +joke) to fetch and Carry at your bidding. And then you were so +ambitious! The wiseacre! why, I will leave no stone unturned to get on +in my profession if you will only be constant. I will be the architect +of my own fortunes--your love the keystone of my prosperity. The columns +of every newspaper shall record my success; every capital in Europe +shall know my name. She did not unhinge me a bit, and the shafts of her +ridicule fell harmless; although, she made an allusion to "dumpy" men, +which I knew was levelled at me, and sneered at married life as very +pretty for a time, but the stucco soon fell off. Poor Aunt Sarah! I left +her sitting up quite perpendicular with that everlasting work which she +is always herring-boning. And now, Carry, darling--oh, dear! I am wanted +about something in our designs for the new Law Courts, and have only +time to sign myself, + +Your own, till Domesday, NORMAN. + +II + + _From_ MR. ALFRED PYE, _Professed Man Cook, + to_ + MISS MARTHA BROWNING. + +What a stew I was in all Friday, when no letter came from my Patty! +Everything went wrong. I made a hash of one of my _entrées_, and the +_chef_, who guessed the cause of my confusion, roasted me so that at +last I boiled over, and gave him rather a tart answer, for, as you know, +I am at times a little too peppery. Thy sweet note, when it _did_ +arrive, made all right. I believe I was quite foolish, and went capering +about with delight. And then I cooled down, and composed a new +_soufflé_. So you see I do not fritter away _all_ my time, whatever +those malicious people who are so ready to carp at me may think. + +You say you always like to know where I go in an evening. Well, I went +to the Trotters last night, and Fanny played the accompaniment, and I +sang--how it made me think of you!--"_Good-bye, Sweetbread, good-bye!_" +(How absurd! Do you see what I have written instead of _"Sweetheart"_? +All the force of habit. It will remind you of that night at Cookham, +when we were the top couple in the supper quadrille, and I shouted, +"Now, Side-dishes, begin!" and everybody roared except a certain young +lady, who looked a trifle vexed. Don't you remember that Spring? You +must, because the young potatoes were so small.) + +Your _protégé_, Peter, goes on famously. He's a broth of a boy, not a +pickle, like many lads of his age, and yet he won't stand being sauced, +as he calls it. He and I nearly got parted at the station, for the crowd +was very great after the races--in fact, a regular jam. It rained hard +when we reached Sandwich, and I got dripping wet, for I had forgotten my +waterproof, and there was not a cab to be had. But now the weather has +changed again, and we are half baked. A broiling sun and not a puff of +wind. + +There was no one in the train I knew. Some small fry stuffing buns all +the way, and opposite me a girl who had her hair crimped just like +yours, and wore exactly the same sort of scalloped jacket. A raw young +man with her, evidently quite spooney; and they larded their talk with +rather too many "loves" and "dears" for my taste, for you know _we_ are +never tender in public. It grated _so_ on my ear, that at last I made +some harmless joke to try and stop it, but mademoiselle, who spoke in +that mincing way you detest, turtled up, so I held my tongue all the +rest of the way, and amused myself with looking at your _carte_, and +concocting one of my own for our great dinner on the 29th, for the +_chef_ has gone to Spithead, and left all to me. And now, my duck, not +to mince matters, when I have got that off my mind (if the dinner is +only as well dressed as you, it will do), you must fix the day. I am +quite unsettled. I cannot concentrate my thoughts on my gravies as I +ought, and my desserts are anything but meritorious. All your fault, +miss. You are as slippery as an eel. I must have it all arranged when I +come up to the City next week. I have some business in the Poultry, but +shall slip away as soon as I can, and bring your mother the potted +grouse and chutney. ("Cunning man," I hear you say, "he wants to curry +favour with mamma.") And you will do what I ask? Where shall we go for +our wedding trip?--Strasbourg, Turkey, Cayenne, Westphalia, +Worcestershire? Perhaps, I think most of coming back to the little house +which I know somebody will always keep in apple-pie order, and of covers +for two; and I shall admire the pretty filbert-nails while she +peels my nuts, and we will both give up our flirtations, mere +_entremets_, and sit down soberly to enjoy that substantial +_pièce de résistance_ -- Matrimony. Do you like the _menu_? +Then, my lamb, say "yes" to + +Your own + +ALFRED. + +P.S.--I know my temper is rather short, but then think of my crust! And +it speaks well for me that I would rather be roasted fifty times than +buttered once. I _do_ hate flummery, certainly. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Partner of his Joys_ (_who has superintended the +removal_). "Well, dear, you haven't said how you like the new flat!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_She._ "It's no use bothering me, Jack. I shall marry whom I please." + +_He._ "That's all I'm asking you to do, my dear. You please me well +enough!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN UNFORESEEN MATRIMONIAL CONTINGENCY + +_Angelina._ "Did you ever see anything so wonderful as the likeness +between old Mr. and Mrs. Bellamy, Edwin? One would think they were +brother and sister, instead of husband and wife!" + +_Edwin._ "Married people always grow like each other in time, darling. +It's very touching and beautiful to behold!" + +_Angelina (not without anxiety)._ "Dear me! And is it _invariably_ the +case, my love?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_The Widow's Intended._ "Well, Tommy, has your mother told you of my +good fortune." + +_Tommy._ "No. She only said she was going to marry you!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Young Muddleigh, who has been out buying underwear for +his personal use, purchases at the same establishment some flowers for +his ladye-love--leaving a note to be enclosed. Imagine Young Muddleigh's +horror, on returning to dress, to discover that the underwear had been +sent with the note, and the flowers to him! Muddleigh discovered, +repeating slowly to himself the contents of the note_:--"Please wear +these this evening, for my sake!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "IS IT A FAILURE?" + +_Mamma_ (_their last unmarried daughter having just accepted an offer_). +"Well, George, now the girls are all happily settled, I think we may +consider ourselves fortunate, and that marriage isn't----" + +_Papa_ (_a pessimist_). "Um--'don't know! Four families to keep 'stead +of one!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO FRIVOLOUS! + +_Wife._ "Solomon, I have a bone to pick with you." + +_Solomon_ (_flippantly_) "With pleasure, my dear, so long as it's a +funny bone!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HUSBANDS IN WAITING"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_Stout Wife._ "I shall never get through here, James. If you were half a +man, you would lift me over!" + +_Husband._ "If you were half a woman, my dear, it would be easier!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +"Was he very much cast down after he'd spoken to papa?" + +"Yes. Three flights of stairs!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SCORED" + +_Little Wife._ "Now, Fred dear, I'm ready." + +_Lazy Husband._ "I'm awfully sorry, dear; but I _must_ stay in, as I'm +expecting a friend every minute." + +_Little Wife_ (_sarcastically_). "A friend every minute! Heavens, Fred! +What a crowd of friends you'll have by the end of the day!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DECIDEDLY PLEASANT + +_Genial Youth._ "I say, Gubby, old chap, is this really true about your +going to marry my sister Edie?" + +_Gubbins._ "Yes, Tommy. It's all settled. But why do you ask?" + +_G. Y._ "Oh! only because I shall have such a jolly slack time now! You +know _I've_ pulled off nearly all her engagements so far, only you're +the first one who's been a _real stayer_!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_He._ "The joke was, both these girls were hopelessly in love with me, +and I made them madly jealous of each other." + +_She._ "I wonder you had the face to do it, Mr. Sparkins!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WE FELL OUT, MY WIFE AND I" + +_He._ "That's absurd! Do you think I'm as big a fool as I look?" + +_She._ "I think that if you aren't, you have a great deal to be thankful +for!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUCH AN EXAMPLE + +_Wife_ (_to husband, who has barked his shins violently against the bed, +and is muttering something to himself_). "Oh, Jack, how _can_ you! +Supposing baby were to hear you!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _She_ (_after they have walked three miles without a word +being spoken_). "Aw say, John, tha'art very quoiet. Has nowt fur to +say?" + +_He._ "What mun aw say? Aw dunno know." + +_She._ "Say that tha loves me." + +_He._ "It's a'reet _sayin_' aw love thee, but aw dunno loike tellin' +loies!"] + + * * * * * + +WHAT TO WEAR ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. + +(By a Confirmed and Cantankerous Celibate) + + Married in white, + You have hooked him all right. + Married in grey, + He will ne'er get away. + Married in black, + He will wish himself back. + Married in red, + He will wish himself dead. + Married in green, + _His_ true colour is seen. + Married in blue, + _He_ will look it, not _you_. + Married in pearl, + He the distaff will twirl. + Married in yellow, + Poor fellow! Poor fellow! + Married in brown, + Down, down, derry down. + Married in pink, + To a slave he will sink. + Married in crimson, + He'll dangle your whims on. + Married in buff, + He will soon have enough. + Married in scarlet, + Poor victimised varlet! + Married in violet, purple, or puce, + It doesn't much matter, they _all_ mean--the deuce! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CASE OF GREAT INTEREST AT SOUTH KENSINGTON MUSEUM + +STUDY FROM LIFE] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A ROMANCE OF ROAST DUCKS + +"My darling, will you take a little of the--a--the stuffing?" + +"I will, dear, if you do; but if you don't, I won't."] + + * * * * * + +THE REAL FALL OF MAN.--Falling in love! + + * * * * * + +QUALIFYING A SWEEPING ASSERTION.--_Sophie_ (_after hearing about +Frank_). "I declare I shall not believe a word a man says to me. They're +_all_ liars!" _Beatrice._ "For shame, Sophie!" _Sophie_ (_regretfully_). +"At least all the _nice_ ones are!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INGRATITUDE + +_Brown._ "Why doesn't Walker stop to speak? Thought he knew you!" + +_Smith._ "Used to; but I introduced him to the girl he married. Neither +of them recognises me now!"] + + * * * * * + +ADVICE TO YOUNG HOUSEKEEPERS.--Put your washing out if you do not wish +your husband to be put out. + + * * * * * + +CONGRUOUS COUPLES. + + If there's a well-matched pair in married life + It is a horsey man and nagging wife. + + * * * * * + +APT ILLUSTRATION.--Idealism and Realism: Courtship and Marriage. + + * * * * * + +FAR FROM IT.--The woman who is bent on marrying a man because he is a +lion, should remember that it does not necessarily follow that she will +become a lioness. + + * * * * * + +OVER-SCRUPULOUS.--"My husband is Vicar of St. Boniface--but I don't +attend his church." "Indeed! How is that?" "The fact is, I--I don't +approve of married clergymen!" + + * * * * * + +"HOME RULE."--Petticoat government. + + * * * * * + +CALF-LOVE + + Calf-love is a passion most people scorn, + Who've loved, and outlived, life and love's young morn; + But there _is_ a calf-love too common by half, + And that's the love of the Golden Calf! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HE HAD BEEN KICKED OUT ONCE + +_She._ "Wot time be you a-coming round to-night, Jock?" + +_Jock._ "What time does y'r old man put 'is slippers on?"] + + * * * * * + +MRS. NAGGLETON'S ADVICE TO A WIFE.--Defiance, not defence. + + * * * * * + +LONG ODDS.--Tall husband and short wife. + + * * * * * + +WORDS TO A WIFE + + Love, thou'rt like yet unlike mutton, + Likewise beef, and veal, and lamb. + Do not answer that the glutton + I bespeak me that I am. + They in price, year after year, are + Rising, thou must needs allow; + Butcher's meat grows ever dearer: + So, and yet not so, dost thou. + + For although my annual payment + To my butcher waxeth still, + Less and less each time for raiment, + Wanes thy linendraper's bill. + Thus by thrift expense thou meetest; + Whence thy wisdom doth appear: + Also, that I find thee, sweetest, + Cheaper still and still more dear. + + * * * * * + +ÆSTHETICS OF DRESS.--_Customer_ (_he has been bidden to a wedding, and +can't make up his mind in the matter of trouser patterns, but at last +says_). "O, there! that'll do, I sh'd think!" _Tailor._ "Pardon me, sir; +if you are going to be 'best man,' the shade is hardly tender enough!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TURTLE-DOVETAILING + +["The latest development of phrenological enterprise is the +establishment of a phrenological matrimonial bureau, to secure the +introduction of persons desiring to be married to partners with suitable +or harmonious phrenological endowments."--_Daily Paper._] + +_Miss Evergreen_ (_who has been introduced to Mr. Slowboy_). "Well, it +may be a lovely head, but ain't he got a big bump of _cautiousness_!"] + + * * * * * + +THE DIVORCE SHOP + + "A nation of shopkeepers!" Well, that old jeer + May fall with small sting on an Englishman's ear, + For 'tis commerce that keeps the world going. + But _this_ kind of shop? By his _bâton_ and hunch, + The thought of it sickens the spirit of _Punch_, + And sets his cheek angrily glowing. + + The Philistines, Puritans, Podsnaps, and Prigs + Of Britain play up some preposterous rigs, + And tax e'en cosmopolite charity. + But here is a business that's not to be borne; + Its mead is the flail and the vial of scorn, + Not chaffing or Christmas hilarity. + + The skunk _not_ indigenous, sirs, to our Isle? + The assertion might well bring a cynical smile + To the lips of a critical Yankee. + The vermin is here; he has set up a shop, + And seems doing a prosperous trade, which to stop + Demands more than mere law's hanky-panky. + + Poor law's tangled up in long coils of red tape, + She's the butt for each Jeremy Diddler's coarse jape, + Every filthy Paul Pry's ghoulish giggle. + John Bull, my fine fellow, wake up, and determine + To stamp out the lives of the venomous vermin + Who round your home-hearth writhe and wriggle. + + 'Ware snakes! No, _Punch_ begs the ophidian's pardon! + The slimiest slug in the filthiest garden + Is not so revolting as these are, + These ultra-reptilian rascals, who spy + Round our homes, and, for pay, would, with treacherous eye, + Find flaws in the wife e'en of Cæsar. + + Find? Well, if unable to _find_ they will _make_. + No, the loathliest asp that e'er lurked in the brake + To spring on the passer unwary, + Was not such an _anguis in herbâ_ as this is, + Mean worm, which of all warning rattles and hisses + Is so calculatingly chary. + + The spy sets up shop! And what has he for sale? + False evidence meant to weight justice's scale, + Eavesdroppings, astute fabrications, + The figments of vile keyhole varlets, the fudge + Of venal vindictiveness. Faugh! the foul sludge + Reeks rank as the swamp's exhalations. + + Paul Pry, with a poison-fang, ready to bite + In the pay of home-hate or political spite, + Is a portent as mean as malignant. + The villain is vermin scarce worthy of steel, + His head should lie crushed 'neath the merciless heel + Of honesty hotly indignant. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DIVORCE SHOP + +_Private Inquiry Agent._ "Want a divorce, sir? Certainly, +sir,--certainly! Any evidence you may require ready at the shortest +possible notice!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE BEST SCHOOL OF NEEDLEWORK.--A husband's wardrobe. + + * * * * * + +A PARTING INJUNCTION.--A decree in the Divorce Court. + + * * * * * + +SIMPLE.--_Q._ When is a man tied to time? _A._ When he marries a second. + + * * * * * + +"NATURAL SELECTION."--Choosing a wife. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Small Voice from under the bed._ "_No_, I will _not_ +come out! I tell you, once and for all, Bernesia, I _will_ be master in +my own house!"] + + * * * * * + +THE BEST EXCUSE FOR A MAN MARRYING HIS DECEASED WIFE'S SISTER.--Because +he will only have one mother-in-law. + + * * * * * + +A DISTINCTION WITHOUT A DIFFERENCE + +(_A Drama in two Acts illustrative of the peculiarities of the British +Idiom of End-dearment_) + +ACT I.--_Before the Event._ + +_Adolphus._ Won't it make its adored happy by naming the day then--a +playful little puss! + +_Seraphina._ Ah! I suppose it must have its own way--a sad young dog. + +ACT II.--_After the Event._ + +_Seraphina_ (_with emphasis_). O! when mamma comes you will not treat me +so--you insolent puppy! + +_Adolphus_ (_with decided emphasis_). Ah! don't talk to me, you cat!!! + +_Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +THE BEST SETTLEMENT FOR A RICH WIFE WHO ELOPES.--A penal one. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COLD SYMPATHY + +_Friend._ "Hullo, old man, what's the matter?" + +_Gilded Youth._ "Just proposed to a girl--been refused. Think I shall +blow my brains out!" + +_Friend._ "Congratulate you, old chap!" + +_Gilded Youth._ "What do you mean?" + +_Friend._ "Didn't know you had any!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: QUOD ERAT DEMONSTRANDUM + +_Gertrude._ "But nobody ever dies of a broken heart." + +_Evelyn._ "Oh, but they do. Why, I knew a man who was jilted, and he +died almost immediately afterwards." + +_Gertrude._ "Well, if he'd lived he'd have got over it."] + + * * * * * + +THE SEVEN WONDERS THE SEVEN WONDERS +OF A MARRIED MAN. OF A MARRIED + WOMAN. + +1. NOT going to sleep after 1. NEVER having "a +dinner! gown to put on," when + invited out anywhere. + +2. Never going anywhere 2. Always being down the +in the evening, excepting first to breakfast! always +"to the club!" being dressed in time for + dinner! and never keeping + the carriage (or the cab) + waiting at the door a + minute! + +3. Always being good-tempered 3. Not always having +over the loss of a "delicate health," about +button, and never wreaking the autumn, and being +his vengeance on the coals recommended by her medical +if the dinner isn't ready man "change of air" +exactly to a minute! immediately! + +4. Never finding fault with 4. Keeping up her "playing +his "dear little wifey", if and singing" the same +she happens to be his partner after marriage as before! +at whist. + +5. Not "wondering," 5. Giving her husband the +regularly every week, "how best cup of tea! +the money goes!" + +6. Resigning himself 6. Never making the house +cheerfully, when asked to uncomfortable by continually +accompany his wife on "a "putting it to rights!"--nor +little shopping!" filling it choke-full + with a number of things it + does not want, simply because + they are "bargains!" + +7. Insisting upon the 7. Never alluding, under +servants sitting up, sooner the strongest provocation, +than take the latchkey with to "the complete sacrifice +him!!! she has made of herself!"--nor + regretting the "two or + three good offers," which + she (in common with every + married woman) had before + she was foolish enough to + accept _him_!!--and never, + by any accident, calling her + husband "a brute!" + + * * * * * + +ALL FOR MONEY.--Jack Damyan and his wife have just started on their +wedding tour. The lady's chief attraction is her income. In this case, +Jack's friends call the usual period of seclusion the moneymoon. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FOURTEENTH OF FEBRUARY + +_Comely Housemaid._ "None for you, miss." + +_Daughter of the House._ "But--why--who are all those for, then?" + +_Comely Housemaid._ "Me, miss!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BALANCE RESTORED + +_Mrs. Henry Peek._ "Bah! I only married you because I pitied you, when +nobody else thought anything about you!" + +_Mr. Henry Peek_ (_wearily_). "Ah, well, my dear, everybody pities me +now!"] + + * * * * * + +SHE "JESTS AT SCARS," ETC.--_Aunt._ "And how's Louisa, my dear? Where is +she?" _Sarcastic Younger Sister_ (_fancy free_). "Oh, pretty well, but +she won't be on view these two hours. She's writing to her 'Dear Fred'; +at least I fancy I saw her come out of the library with Tupper's Poems +and a _Dictionary_!!!" + + * * * * * + +AN OLD-MAIDISM.--Love is blind, and Hymen is the oculist that generally +manages to open his eyes. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AS MAN'S INGRATITUDE" + +"Nonsense, Frank! Can't pay them! Why, before we were married you told +me you were well off." + +"So I was. But I didn't know it!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mr. Guzzle._ "Ah, Jinks, I hear you are going to be +married. Good thing too. You'll have some one to keep that cook of yours +up to the mark. She wants it!" + +_Mr. Jinks._ "Yes. But, you see, it's cook I'm going to marry!"] + + * * * * * + +WAITING + + Enchantress with the nut-brown hair, + Bright genius of the A. B. C., + Approach, in beauty past compare, + And spell Love's alphabet to me! + + Content no more am I each night, + Amid a weird, dyspeptic host, + To order, with a keen delight, + And watch thee bring, the tea and toast. + + I covet more transcendent joys; + Be mine, and come where Ocean waits + Instead of thee, and where annoys + No tinkling clash of cups and plates. + + There grant to me, beneath the stars, + Not buttered scones, but smiles of bliss; + Not pastry, that digestion mars, + But something sweeter still--a kiss. + + * * * + + Enchantress with the nut-brown hair, + Bright genius of the A. B. C., + Ah, heed a lover's anguished prayer, + And be not D. E. F. to me! + + * * * * * + +ADVICE TO HONEYMOONERS ABOUT TO START ON A CONTINENTAL TRIP.--The most +appropriate place for "_les noces_" should be "The Hotel Marry-time, +Calais." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BETWEEN SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS + +_Lady Binks_ (_a devoted widow, earnestly_). "Oh, Mr. Crichton, be +careful how you marry! Sir Peter, who, as you know, rose to the highest +positions, used frequently to say that more men owed their success to +the beauty and social charm of their wives, than to their own energy and +talents." + +_Mr. Crichton_ (_plunging on the "nil nisi bonum" principle_). "Surely, +Lady Binks, none could say that of Sir Peter!"] + + * * * * * + +LITERAL.--_Visitor_ (_to Disconsolate One_). "Rejected you, did she? Oh, +what o' that? Often do at first. Try her again. You're not pertinacious +enough. You should have pressed her----" + +_Dejected One._ "Yes, but--confound her!--she wouldn't let me come near +her!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PARRIED + +_The Major_ (_not so young as he feels_). "Ah, Miss Muriel, in the +spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of----" + +_Miss Muriel_ (_who wishes to avoid a proposal_). "What a memory you +have, major!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _He._ "Oh, pray, Miss Dalrimple, _don't_ call me Mr. +Brookes." + +_She._ "Oh, but our acquaintance has been so brief. This is so +sudden----" (_Sweetly._) "Why shouldn't I call you Mr. Brookes?" + +_He._ "Oh--only because my name's Somerset!"] + + * * * * * + +"UNEQUAL RATING."--A big wife scolding a little husband. + + * * * * * + +THE DIVORCE MEASURE.--Half and half. + + * * * * * + +FEMININE PERVERSITY.--_Aunt Betsy._ "I wonder, James, at your +encouraging young Cadby to be so much with Madeline! He's a bad match, +and not a good fellow, I fear!" _Papa._ "Confound him, no! I've given +him _carte-blanche_ to come when he likes, and she's getting rather +tired of him at last, for I'm always cracking him up!" _Aunt Betsy._ +"And that nice fellow, Goodenough? He's never here now?" _Papa._ "No; +I've forbidden him the house, and won't even allow his name to be +mentioned. She's always thinking of him in consequence. I'm in hopes +she'll marry him some day!" + + * * * * * + +VIRGINIA STOCK'S VIEW OF IT. + + Is Marriage a Failure? Why, yes, to be sure. + But, oh! abolition won't furnish a cure. + Whilst thousands of spinsters in solitude tarry, + It's clearly a failure--because men _won't_ marry. + + * * * * * + +AN "ELASTIC BAND."--The Marriage Tie (in the Divorce Court). + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PARTHIAN SHOT + +_He_ (_after a quarrel, bitterly_). "I _was_ a fool when I married +_you_!" + +_She_ (_quietly, about to leave the room_). "Yes; but I thought you +would improve!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HARMONY + +_Brown_ (_Philistine_). "I heard it was all 'off' between you and Miss +Roweshett." + +_Wobbinson_ (_Æsthete_). "Ya-as. Incompatibility of complexion!--she +didn't suit my furnitchar!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_'Liza._ "Wot's it feel like, bein' in love, Kytie?" + +_Katie._ "Ow, it's prime, 'Liza. It's like 'avin' 'ot treacle runnin' +daown yer back!"] + + * * * * * + +SONG OF THE HIGHER SENTIMENTS + + I live a mild domestic life, + Devoted dearly to my wife, + So much so, that from her extends + My fond affection to her friends; + And first of all--no spooney raw-- + Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law! + + My pet's old parent's rather stout; + I just might clasp her waist about: + Some three yards round, and not much more. + I've thoughts of widening my front-door, + I shouldn't mind the expense one straw. + Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law! + + At times I may myself forget, + Which, if she thinks, she tells my pet; + But when I don't do all I should, + Her telling tends to make me good; + I'm pleased to have her find the flaw. + Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law! + + The servants that upon her wait + A pleasure have which must be great. + And yet can we get none to stay. + I grieve so when she goes away! + Tears from my eyes her turned heels draw. + Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law! + + A sweet old soul, how pleased I feel + To see her at the social meal + Of dinner sit, her mouth a chink + Ne'er opened save to meat--and drink! + And I'll ne'er grudge (I am so free) + Her gin and brandy in her tea. + I hold her in such filial awe; + Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Just look at Mr. Jones over there, flirting with that +girl! I always thought he was a woman-hater?" + +"So he is; but she's not here to-night!"] + + * * * * * + +THE STRAIGHT TIP.--"And so now they're engaged! _Well_, Jessie, to think +of _you_, with your beauty and accomplishments, and your lovely voice, +being cut out by such an ignorant little fright as that Maggie Quickson! +You _sang_ to him, I suppose?" "Yes, mamma, by the hour! But _she_ made +_him_ sing, you know, and played his accompaniments for him!" "Why, +_can_ he sing?" "No, mamma; but she made him _believe_ he could!" + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR A "KISS."--Go it, my two lips. + + * * * * * + +CROSSED IN LOVE.--A wedding-present cheque. + + * * * * * + +_Q._ What is the difference between a lover asking the object of his +affections to marry him, and a guest who ventures to hint to his host +that the Pommery '80 is rather corked? + +_A._ The one pops the question, the other questions the pop. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_He._ "How would you like to own a--er--a little puppy?" + +_She._ "Oh, Mr. Softly, this is so sudden!"] + + * * * * * + +HOW TO MAKE LIFE EMINENTLY DISAGREEABLE + +(_By a strong-minded Married Woman_) + + +Always provide for everything beforehand. As things are sure to turn out +differently from what you have arranged, this will familiarise you with +disappointment. + +Always go back upon a mistake or a misfortune, and so take the +opportunity of proving how much better things would have been if +something had been done that hasn't. + +Never give way in trifles, as there is no saying how soon you may be +called upon to give way in matters of more importance. + +A mistress may talk _at_ her servants, but should never lower herself so +far as to talk _to_ them. + +Never dress for your husband, which will teach him to value you for your +gifts of mind, not your attractions of person. + +Never give expression to your affections, as there is no saying how +soon they may alter, and you may thus be guilty of great inconsistency. + +Never consult the taste of your husband, or he will in time come to look +on his house as a club, where all is comfort and self-indulgence. + + * * * * * + +TO AN OLD FLAME--(TWENTY YEARS AFTER) + + A little girl, a charming tiny tot, + I well remember you with many a curl, + Although I recollect you said "I'm not + A _little_ girl." + + We parted. Mid the worry and the whirl + Of life, again, alas! I saw you not. + I kept you in my memory as a pearl + Of winsome childhood. So imagine what + A shock it was this morning to unfurl + My morning paper, there to see you've got + A little girl! + + * * * * * + +THE POET AND HIS LOVE--(A LAPSUS LINGUÆ.)--_He._ "I see that you wear +brown boots, sweetheart--a sign of the falling of the year." _She._ +"Yes, it is in concord with the decadence of the leaf." _He._ "Say +rather of the cutting of the corn." (_And then the match was broken off +through no fault of his._) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SAFE MORTGAGE + +_Angelina._ "Edwin, promise me you'll never describe me as your +'relict.'" + +_Edwin._ "Dearest, I never will! I'd die sooner!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_Brown_ (_who has been dining at the club with Jones_). "Just come in a +minute, old fellow, and have a night-cap." + +_Jones_. "I'm afraid it's getting a little late. Let's see, how's the +enemy." + +_Brown_. "Oh! that's all right. _She's_ in bed."] + + * * * * * + +THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--"Well, but if you can't bear +her, whatever made you propose?" "Well, we had danced three dances, and +I couldn't think of anything else to say!" + + * * * * * + +THE FIN DE SIÈCLE SUITOR. + + I love you in an all-absorbing, fond, unselfish way, + I dream of you the long night thro', I think of you each day, + Whene'er I hear your voice, my dear, a spell o'er me is cast, + The rapture of your presence is (I'm certain) bound to last. + + On you I'll pour the loving store and treasures of my heart, + With riches of an earthly kind I am more loth to part, + I'll sing your praise in loving ways, for are you not my queen? + You'll find the verses published in our local magazine. + + So deep is my affection I would joyfully propose, + But for one great objection, which now I will disclose, + Intense is your suspense, so I'll endeavour to be short, + The fact is, that _a husband you're not able to support_. + + * * * * * + +NEW DISH FOR A WEDDING BREAKFAST.--Curried favour. + + * * * * * + +THE BEST CURE FOR THE HEARTBURN.--Marriage. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_Young Bride._ "Do you let your husband have a latchkey, Mrs. Jones?" + +_Mrs. Jones._ "No, my dear; it would be useless. I give it to the +milkman!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROGNOSTICATION + +When Mrs. Tubbles awoke (she sleeps very soundly), the morning after +that farmers' dinner, she found John by her side with his boots on and +the umbrella open! His explanation was that, besides being very tired, +he perhaps "fansh'd there wash 'shtorm comin' on!" + + [It came! + +] + + * * * * * + +A HUSBAND'S LAMENT + +AIR--"_I once had a sweet little Doll, dears._" (_Kingsley's words, set +by A. Cecil._) + + I once saw a sweet pretty face, boys: + Its beauty and grace were divine. + And I felt what a swell I should be, boys, + Could I boast that such charms were all mine! + I wooed. Every man I cut out, boys, + At my head deep anathemas hurled:-- + But I said as I walked back from church, boys, + "I'm the luckiest dog in the world!" + + As doves in a cot we began, boys, + A cosy and orthodox pair: + Till I found at my notable wife, boys, + The world was beginning to stare. + She liked it. At first, so did I, boys, + But, at length, when all over the place + She was sketched, hunted, photo'd and mobbed, boys, + I cried, "Hang her sweet pretty face!" + + Still, we went here and there,--right and left, boys;-- + We were asked dozens deep,--I say "we," + Though wherever I went not a soul, boys, + Could have pointed out Adam from me. + But we had a rare social success, boys, + Got mixed with the noble and great, + Till one's friends, who say kind and nice things, boys, + Talked of me as "the man come to wait!" + + So, I've no more a sweet pretty wife, boys;-- + For the one that I once hoped to own, + Belongs, as I've found to my cost, boys, + To the great British public alone. + So until they've got tired of her face, boys, + And a rival, more touzled or curled, + Drives her home to her own proper place, boys-- + I'm the dullest dull dog in the world! + + * * * * * + +A SURE AID TO MATRIMONY.--Propingpongquity. + + * * * * * + +FROM "PUNCH'S SYNONYMS."--The Limited Male: a husband. + + * * * * * + +A VERY-MUCH MARRIED MAN.--The "hub" of the universe. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Miss Giddie._ "It's awfully sweet of you, Mr. +Cunius--(_coquettish pause_)--_Impey_, to ask me to marry you. Of +course, I know you love me; but I hope that people won't say that you +married me for my money!" + +_Mr. Impey Cunius (in a state of utter collapse after an elaborately +forced proposal)._ "My dear, Miss Giddie--er--_Flossie_, I assure you +that _I_ shall never mention it!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "FOR THE THIRD TIME OF ASKING" + +_Aunt Mary._ "You heard the vicar publish the banns between Uncle George +and Ellen Thompson?" + +_Ethel (who has never been present at this ceremony before)._ "Yes--it +seems rather a shame to tell everybody how often he'd been refused, +though!"] + + * * * * * + +LOVE AND COURTSHIP + +(_As they appear from certain Answers to Correspondents_) + +VANITAS.--You are not bound to tell him. If the bright golden colour of +your naturally dark hair is due to the excellent preparation recommended +in another column, and he tells you he does not admire dark girls, why +not keep on? The bottles are really quite cheap at nineteen and eleven. +Of course, if it weighs upon your conscience, you might give him a hint, +but he will probably talk about deceit, and behave in the brutally +outspoken male manner so many readers complain of. + +AMELIA.--Have you not been rather indiscreet? You should never let him +see you cry before you are married. Afterwards it has its uses. + +BLANCHE AMORY.--Cheer up. As you very cleverly put it, history does +repeat itself. You are now once more in a position to undertake a +further instalment of _Mes Larmes_. No. We are overstocked with poetry. +The man, of course, is beneath contempt. + +TWO STRINGS.--Your _fiancé_ must be a perfect _Othello_. It is, as you +justly remark, monstrous that he should object to your cousin seven +times removed taking you to the theatre once or twice a week. Of course +he is a relative. + +SWEET-AND-TWENTY.--Your remarks about tastes in common are perfectly +correct. So long as you both collect postcards you will always be able +to give pleasure to each other at a distance. + +BUSINESS GIRL.--If you have found out that he only gave twenty-five +pounds for your engagement ring, it may be, as you shrewdly observe, +that he has a contract with the tradesman for a periodical supply of +such articles. The fact that his income is under a hundred a year makes +it only the more probable that he would adopt such an arrangement for +economy's sake. Be very careful. + +PITTI-SING.--Your only course is to box his ears. Let us know how you +get on. + +BELLONA.--Sorry to disappoint you, but this is not the place to describe +the undress uniform of the Grenadier Guards. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: H'M! + +_Stern Father._ "What an unearthly hour that young fellow stops till +every night, Doris. What does your mother say about it?" + +_Daughter._ "She says men haven't altered a bit, pa."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BABES IN THE WOOD + +_Ernest._ "I see you are getting on, foreman." + +_Foreman._ "Yes, sir; we shall have the walls plastered to-morrow." + +_Agatha._ "Oh, Ernest, don't let's have plaster! You never see it now; +everybody has wall-papers, and you can get lovely ones quite cheap!"] + + * * * * * + +MY NEIGHBOUR + + Next door the summer roses bloom + And breathe their hearts out day by day + To please a gentle gardener whom + 'Twere happiness to thus obey: + For her each rose a fragrance gives + That roses grudge to common labour, + And there, next door, among them lives + My neighbour. + + I watch her in her garden fair, + And think what joy my life would bless + Could she and I but wander there, + A shepherd and a shepherdess, + As blithe as those of ancient myth + That danced and sang to pipe and tabor: + Who would not thus be happy with + My neighbour? + + Blue eyes, and hair of sunny brown, + A form of such exceeding grace, + And features in whose smile and frown + Such tender beauty I can trace + That here to sketch her free from flaw + Defies the pencil of a Faber, + And yet I yearn so much to draw + My neighbour! + + I'm keeping one commandment--an + Epitome of all the ten-- + So if I, when my life began, + Was born in sin like other men, + To innocence that shames the dove, + I've mellowed since I was a babe, or + How could I so devoutly love + My neighbour? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Young Wife._ "Do you find it more economical, +dear, to do your own cooking?" + +_Second Young Wife._ "Oh, certainly. My husband doesn't eat half so much +as he did!"] + + * * * * * + +THE SNUB CONNUBIAL.--_Loving Wife._ "Charles, dear, I wish you would put +down that horrid novel and talk to me; I feel so dull; and--oh, Charles! +my foot's asleep----" _Charles._ "Hush--sh! my dear, you might wake it!" + + * * * * * + +THE OLDEST AND THE SHORTEST DRAMA IN THE WORLD.--_He._ "Will you?" +_She._ "Oh! I do not know!" (_Which "know" meant that she said "yes._") + + * * * * * + +ADVICE TO GIRL GRADUATES + +(_After Charles Kingsley--at a respectful distance_) + + Dress well, sweet maid, and let who will be _clever_. + Dance, flirt, and sing! + Don't study all day long. + Or else you'll find, + When other girls get married, + You'll sing a different song! + + * * * * * + +FAULTS ON BOTH SIDES.--Man and wife are like a pair of scissors, so long +as they are together, but they become daggers so soon as they are +disunited. + + * * * * * + +PARTNERSHIP WITHOUT LIMITED LIABILITY.--Marriage. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BRUTES! + +_Jones._ "Did you ever see a volcano in course of eruption?" + +_Smith._ "No--but once I remember I came home very late from the club, +and my wife----" + + [_They understand one another_ + +] + + * * * * * + +READING BETWEEN THE MARRIAGE LINES + +(_By a Recent Victim_) + +[Illustration: A MAN OF MANY WOES] + +One of the first troubles to be faced by the young wife is the +difficulty of getting servants. It will be found that a cook is almost +indispensable. Rather than be without one, take time by the forelock +and, during the engagement, try the following advertisement (one is +bound to offer additional attractions nowadays):--"Wanted, at once, a +good plain cook. If necessary, _advertiser would be willing to make her +a bridesmaid_. Must be able to wear blue." + + * * * + +Or again:--"Newly married couple require cook and parlour maid. _All +china, glass, &c., in house new and unused and never been broken +before._" + + * * * + +In taking a house, remember that it is absolutely necessary to have an +attic--in which to place some of the presents. It is all very well to +say that they can be put in the servants' hall, but it must not be +forgotten that it is now very difficult to keep servants, even under the +most favourable circumstances. + + * * * + +You cannot be too careful in giving instructions for your house +decoration. "In the dining-room I think I would like a dado," I said one +day to the paper-man. The paper-man's face turned almost white at the +suggestion. "You cannot, sir," he said in a hushed voice, "_the dado is +extinct_." Then he explained that persons of taste have friezes +nowadays, both in summer and winter. + + * * * + +To avoid a rush at the end, it will be worth the bride's while to write +out beforehand a large number of letters of thanks for wedding-presents. +The most handy form is, "DEAR ----, We both thank you so very much for +your ---- present." When the present arrives you can fill in the missing +word as circumstances require. On no account leave the blank. + + * * * + +Another happy form is, "DEAR ----, Thank you so much for your charming +and useful present. Please, what is it for?" + + * * * + +But beware of the following form, as some persons do not take it in the +way in which it is meant, "DEAR ----, Many thanks for your present. It +is very good of you to have sent anything." + + * * * + +Nothing looks so solidly generous in the list of presents as the vague +word, Cheque. Many mean people now send as a present a cheque for +ten-and-six. + + * * * + +A novelty at wedding-receptions, and very _chic_, is to have in the +present-room, in place of a detective, a parrot which has been trained +to cry out every now and then, "Put that back! Put that back!" + + * * * + +Another novelty is to have a stall for the sale of duplicate articles. + + * * * * * + +The custom by which the bridegroom, on the night before the wedding, +gives a farewell dinner to his bachelor friends is falling into +desuetude. As a consequence one sees less frequently the +announcement:--"On the ---- instant, by the Rev. Mr. ----, _assisted by_ +the Rev. Mr. ----, &c." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SPORTING EVENT--A RECORD + +SHE WON THE SWEEP!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ILLUMINISM + +_The Hon. Muriel._ "Oh yes, I suppose I could get married, if I could +find a man I simply couldn't live without." + +_The Hon. Maude._ "My dear girl, the difficulty is to find a man you can +live _with!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN LEAP YEAR + +_Hopeless Widower._ "Nothing can mend a broken heart." + +_Hopeful Widow._ "Except re-pairing."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LAST CONGRATULATION + +_Fair Guest (who, having had a desperate flirtation with the bridegroom +a short time ago, wouldn't be absent from the ceremony on any account)._ +"Well, Algey, it's all over _now_! Aren't you pleased?" + + [_Uncomfortable position of Algey._ + +] + + * * * * * + +WAIT FOR AGE. + + _Seventeen._ "_Is_ marriage a failure? I _should_ like to know!" + _Seven-and-Twenty._ "My dear, when as long as myself you have + tarried, + You will not need much demonstration to show + That the only true failure is--not getting married!" + + * * * * * + +FEMALE DEFINITION OF LEAP YEAR.--Miss Understood. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PLEASANT PROSPECT + +_Miss Kitty Candour (who has just accepted dear Reggie, and is now +taking him fully into her confidence)._ "I must tell you, Reggie dear, +that the great fault of my character is that after I have taken any +resolution--it doesn't matter what it may be--I always bitterly repent +it!"] + + * * * * * + +EVOLUTION + + She sketched a husband strong and brave + On whom her heart might lean; + None but a hero would she have-- + This girl of 17. + + Her fancy subsequently turned + From deeds of derring do; + For brainy intercourse she yearned + When she was 22. + + The years sped on, ambition taught + A worldly-wise design; + A man of wealth was what she sought + When she was 29. + + But Time has modified her plan; + Weak, imbecile, or poor-- + She's simply looking for a _man_ + Now she is 34. + + * * * * * + +OUR VILLAGE INDUSTRIAL COMPETITION.--_Husband (just home from the +City)._ "My angel!--crying!--whatever's the matter?" _Wife._ +"They've--awarded me--prize medal"--_(sobbing)_--"f' my sponge cake!" +_Husband (soothingly)._ "And I'm quite sure it deserv----" _Wife +(hysterically)._ "Oh--but--'t said--'twas--for the best specimen--o' +concrete!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "FOR THIS RELIEF----?" + +"I'm sorry to hear your wife is suffering from her throat. I hope it's +nothing serious?" + +"No, I don't think so. The doctor's forbidden her to talk much. It'll +trouble her a good deal, I expect, and she won't be herself for some +time."] + + * * * * * + +AN ENGAGEMENT + +(_A Page from a Diary_) + +_Monday._--Delightful news! My sister Nellie is engaged to be married! +It came upon us all as a great surprise. I never had the slightest +suspicion that Nellie cared twopence about old Goodbody St. Leger. He is +such a staid, solemn old party, a regular fossilised bachelor we all +thought. Not at all the sort of man to give way to emotions or to be in +love. However, it's a capital match for Nellie as St. Leger's firm are +about the largest accountants in the city. My wife thinks it will be a +good thing in another way, too, as my other six sisters may now have a +chance of going off. It seems that when once this kind of epidemic gets +into a family, all the unmarried sisters go popping off like blazes one +after another. Called with my wife this afternoon to congratulate +Nellie. Rather a trial for the poor girl, as all sorts of female +relatives had called full of enthusiasm and congratulations. Goodbody +was there (Nellie calls him "Goodie") and seemed rather overwhelmed. + +He went away early and didn't kiss Nellie. I thought this funny, and +chaffed Nellie about it afterwards. She said she'd soon make that all +right. + +_Tuesday._--Goodbody is getting on. We had a family dinner at home +to-night. He came rather late and entered the drawing-room with an air +of great determination, marched straight up to Nellie and kissed her +violently. It was splendidly done and we all felt inclined to cheer. He +kissed her again when he went away, and lingered so long in saying +good-night to my mother that we all thought he was going to kiss her +too. But he didn't. My wife said that the suspense of those moments was +dreadful. + +_Wednesday._--He has kissed my mother--on both cheeks. I must say the +old lady took it extraordinarily well, though she was not in the very +least prepared for it. It happened at five o'clock tea, in an interval +of complete silence, and those two sounding smacks simply reverberated +through the room. Mother was quite cheerful afterwards, and spoke to +Nellie about the trousseau in her usual calm and collected frame of +mind. Still I can see that the incident has made a deep impression upon +her. My wife told Maggie it would be her turn next. + +_Thursday._--It _has_ been Maggie's turn. Goodbody called at home on his +way from the City, and set to work as soon as he got into the +drawing-room. He first kissed Nellie, then repeated the performance with +my poor mother, and, finding that Maggie was close behind him, he kissed +her on the forehead. Where will this end? + +_Friday._--He has regularly broken loose. He dined at home to-day, and, +without a word of warning, kissed the whole family--my mother, Nellie, +Maggie, Alice, Mabel, Polly, Maud, and little Beta. He quite forgot he +had begun with my mother, and, after he had kissed Beta, got confused, +and began all over again. At this moment my wife and I came in with Aunt +Catherine, whom we had brought in our carriage. Both my wife and Aunt +Catherine tried to escape, but it was no good. He kissed them both, and +was just advancing towards me, when the butler fortunately announced +dinner. Matters are getting quite desperate, and we none of us know what +ought to be done. Aunt Catherine had a violent fit of hysterics in the +spare bedroom after dinner. + +_Saturday._--The engagement is broken off. A great relief. It has been a +lesson for all of us. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RETORT DISCOURTEOUS + +_She._ "Ah, it was very different before we were married. Then my word +was _law!_" + +_He._ "And a very vulgar word, too, my dear."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO CONVENIENT! + +_Young Wife._ "Where are you going, Reggie dear?" + +_Reggie Dear._ "Only to the club, my darling." + +_Young Wife._ "Oh, I don't mind that, because there's a telephone there, +and I can talk to you through it, can't I?" + +_Reggie Dear._ "Y-yes--but--er--you know, the confounded wires are +always getting out of order!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PAST AND PRESENT + +_Serious and much-Married Man._ "My dear friend, I _was_ astonished to +hear of _your_ dining at Madame Troisétoiles!--a 'woman with a past,' +you know!" + +_The Friend (bachelor "unattached")._ "Well, you see, old man, she's got +a first-rate _chef_, so it isn't her 'past,' but her 're-past' that _I_ +care about."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Good-bye, Alfred darling. You _have_ cheered me up. If I +get lonely and depressed again, I'll just look at your dear +photo--that's sure to make me laugh, and laugh, and laugh!"] + + * * * * * + +_She._ "I told you that your old aunt had a will of her own." + +_He (tired of waiting)._ "I know she has. I only wish she'd enable us to +probate it!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "That's Mrs. Fitz-Jones. You never see her without her +husband and her Dachshund." + +"Well, they make a very good pair."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FAIR AVERAGE + +_Visitor._ "Lady Evelyn tells me, Dan'l, that you have had four wives." + +_Dan'l (proudly)._ "Ess, zur, I 'ave--an' what's more, _two of 'em was +good 'uns!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Adolphus (penitently)._ "So sorry, dearest, that I was +angry with you yesterday evening, and lost my temper." + +_Olivia._ "Pray don't mention it, Dolly. It wasn't a very good one, and +I'm sure you can easily find a better."] + + * * * * * + +DROP BY DROP + +_Nine Stages of a Love Story_ + + First place, I dropped my eye on her, + And she dropped hers, so blushfully! + Then I "dropped in,"--her sire sold fur,-- + Then "dropped a line," most gushfully. + I dropped a deal of ready cash + On her and her relations, + Then dropped some hints--that course proved rash-- + About her "expectations." + She dropped on me, daring to ask + _Such_ questions. Here I stopped her. + Her--bankrupt--sire then dropped the mask, + And I--well then, I dropped her! + + * * * * * + +DEFINITIONS.--Mater: One who finds _mates_ for her daughters. Check +Mate: A husband with money. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE MISSIS" WOULD OBLIGE + +_Philanthropist._ "I'm sorry to see you in this condition, Parker. I'm +afraid you'll miss the lecture to-night." + +_Parker._ "Oh no, I shan't. I'm goin'--shtraightome."] + + * * * * * + +A YOUNG HUSBAND'S LAMENT + + Oh, I am weary, weary, + Of that pretty pinky face, + Of the blank of its no meaning, + The gush of its grimace. + + And I am weary, weary, + Of her silly, simpering ways, + Bugles, buckles, buttons, spangles, + Tight tiebacks, tighter stays. + + And I am weary, weary, + Of that hollow little laugh, + Of the slang that stands for humour, + Of the chatter and the chaff. + + Sick of the inch-deep feeling + Of that hollow little heart, + Its "too lovely" latest fashions, + Its "too exquisite" high Art. + + Its Church high, higher, highest, + Their curates and their clothes, + Their intonings, genuflections, + Masqueradings, mops and mows. + + But I must curb my temper, + Grumbling helps not wedlock's ills. + Fashion, High Church, or Æsthetics, + Let me grin and pay the bills! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOREWARNED + +_Claude Merridew, leaderette-writer, reviewer, &c. (sentimentally)._ +"Whenever I think of Althæa, Miss Vansittart I mean, I am irresistibly +reminded of those matchless words of Steele's--'To love her was a +liberal education.'" + +_Algy (following the idea with difficulty)._ "That's all right, old man, +that's all right, 'course I know a lot of you writin' chaps are like +that, but I think I ought to tell you that her father is one of the head +johnnies in the Primrose League."] + + * * * * * + +THE EDUCATION OF HUSBANDS + +How suggestive is the new year of bills; and bills of housekeeping. It +is fearful to reflect how many persons rush into matrimony, totally +unprepared for the awful change that awaits them. A man may take a wife +at twenty-one, before he knows the difference between a chip and a +Leghorn! We would no more grant a marriage licence to anybody simply +because he is of age, than a licence, on that ground only, to practise +as an apothecary. Husbands ought to be educated. We should like to have +the following questions put to young and inexperienced "Persons about +to Marry:"-- + +Are you aware, sir, of the price of coals and candles? + +Do you know which is more economical, the aitch-bone, or the round? + +How far, young man, will a leg of mutton go in a small family? + +How much dearer, now, is silver than Britannia? + +Please to give the average price of a four-poster. + +Declare, if you can, rash youth, the sum, per annum, that chemisettes, +pelerines, cardinals, bonnets, veils, caps, ribbons, flowers, gloves, +cuffs, and collars, would probably come to in the lump. + +If unable to answer these inquiries, we would say to him, "Go back to +school." + +He that would be a husband should also undergo a training, physical and +moral. He should be further examined thus:-- + +Can you read or write amid the yells of a nursery? + +Can you wait any given time for breakfast? + +Can you maintain your serenity during a washing-day? + +Can you cut your old friends? + +Can you stand being contradicted in the face of all reason? + +Can you keep your temper when you are not listened to? + +Can you do what you are told without being told why? + +In a word, young sir, have you the patience of Job? + +If you can lay your hand upon your heart and answer "Yes," take your +licence and marry--not else. + + * * * * * + +TO POLICEMEN ABOUT TO MARRY.--When you are about to marry, visit as many +cooks as you can, so as to give you the widest possible area for your +choice. Avoid housemaids, whose occupation does not admit of the +accumulation of much dust to come down with; and remember that there is +nothing like kitchen-stuff for greasing the wheel of fortune. When +married, a policeman will be justified in living above his station--if +he can get a room there for nothing. + + * * * * * + +LINES TO MY LADY-LOVE + +(_By a Commonplace Person_) + + To thee, were I a humble bee, + I'd hourly wing my honeyed flight; + To thee, were I a ship at sea, + I'd sail, tho' land were in my sight: + To thee, were I a pussy cat, + I'd spring, as tho' 'twere on a rat! + + To thee, were I a stickleback + I'd swim as fast as fins could move; + To thee, were I a hunter's hack, + I'd gallop on the hoofs of love: + But as I'm but a simple man, + I'll come by train, love--if I can! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _He._ "Are you still living at the same address in town, +Mrs. Jones?" + +_She._ "Yes. But since I've become a widow, I've been looking for +another flat!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Miss Short._ "Isn't my name an absurd misfit, Mr. Long?" + +_Mr. Long (thoughtlessly)._ "Yes, rather. If you could have mine it +would be all right, wouldn't it?" + +_Miss Short._ "Oh, Mr. Long, this is so sudden!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ALTERNATIVE + +_The Doctor._ "Well, Mrs. Barnes, I must offer you my congratulations. I +hear you've married again. And have you given up your occupation of +washing?" + +_Mrs. Barnes._ "Oh, no, sir. But, you see, if I 'adn't taken '_e_, I'd +'a' 'ad to 'a' bought a donkey!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Now, George dear, it's your first birthday in the new +century. What good resolutions are you going to make?" + +"Well, for one thing, I intend to be much more regular in my habits." + +"Why not _give them all up_, dear?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FAMILY CARES + +_First Excursionist._ "Int'restin' ruins these, sir." + +_Second Ditto (the bread-winner)._ "'Mye-es. 'Don't care for ruins +m'self though." (_Pointing to his olive branches in the background._) +"Them's ruin enough for me?"] + + * * * * * + +WHOM NOT TO MARRY: + +_Or, Diogenes the Younger_ + +_The Lady with a Mission._--She will fill your house with parsons or +professors, lecture you on her pet hobby when she can get no other +audience (which will be pretty often), consider all your old friends +frivolous, and treat you with supreme contempt if you venture to hint +that you like your dinner punctually, and properly cooked. + +_The Lady of Fashion._--She will regard you as an appendage, a +cheque-drawing animal, a useful purveyor of equipages and dresses and +diamonds and lace, a person to be ignored as much as possible in +Society. + +_The Millionaire's Daughter._--She will persistently make you aware that +it is _her_ house you live in, _her_ carriage you drive, that the +servants are _hers_, the dinners _hers_--that, in fact, she has bought +you, and given for you much more than you are really worth. + +_The Pious-Parochial Lady._--She will devote all her time to the +distribution of tracts, the inspection of cottages, the collection of +gossip, and interviews with the curate. Each curate will be a more +"blessed" man than his predecessor, especially if he have the shifty +eyes, aggressive teeth, narrow forehead, and shambling knees which +modern curatism has developed. + +_The Female Novelist._ She will sit up all night writing improprieties, +and pass all day in town, worrying publishers, who are at present sad +victims of the irrepressible petticoat. + +_The Horsey Woman._ She will laugh at you as a muff if you don't ride +across country, buy "screws" from her particular friends that you will +have to sell for as many tens as she gave hundreds, and cost you a +fortune in doctors' bills by breaking her collar-bone at least once +every season. + +_The Gushing Female._ She will devour you with kisses, to the injury of +your shirt-front, or weep on your bosom, with much the same result. To +her either is equally delightful. + +_The Widow._ Diogenes pauses. The theme is too great for him. _Vide Mr. +Weller, sen._, in _Pickwick, passim._ + + * * * * * + +TRITE BUT TRUE + + "Music's the food of love" they say, + This is a passage every one now quotes; + The truth is clear, for in the present day, + Young love is fed entirely _on notes._ + + * * * * * + +"OUR FAILURES."--_Husband._ "I say, Lizzie, what on earth did you make +this mint-sauce of?" + +_Young Wife (who has been "helping" Cook)._ "Parsley, to be sure!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: APPEARANCES ARE DECEPTIVE + +_He._ "Who's that?" + +_She._ "Jack Anstruther and his bride. He married ever so much beneath +him." + +_He._ "Doesn't look like it!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BREAKING THE NEWS + +_Newly Affianced One._ "May I be your new mamma, Tommy?" + +_Tommy._ "_I_ should like it, but you must ask papa."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER + +_She._ "But if you say you can't bear the girl, why _ever_ did you +propose?" + +_He._ "Well, her people have always been awfully good to me, and it's +the only way I could return their hospitality."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Ethel._ "Well, Jimmy didn't blow his brains out after +all because you refused him. He proposed to Miss Golightly yesterday." + +_Maud._ "Did he? Then he must have got rid of them in some other way!"] + + * * * * * + +ADVICE TO MATCH-MAKING MAMMAS.--The first and only thing requisite is +simply, as Mrs. Glass very wisely says, "First catch your heir." + + * * * * * + +A HAPPY HOLIDAY.--_The Bachelor._ "So you're looking after the house +while your wife is taking a holiday? I hope she's enjoying the change?" + +_The Benedict._ "I know _I_ am." + + * * * * * + +"CREATURE COMFORTS."--Good wives. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO CURE AN IMPRUDENT ATTACHMENT.--_Materfamilias._ "What _is_ to be +done, my dear? He positively _dotes_ on her!" _Paterfamilias._ "Well, we +must try to find him an _antidote_." + + * * * * * + +DIVORCE.--A matrimonial ticket-of-leave. + + * * * * * + +THE DESIRE OF PLEASING.--"May I be married, ma?" said a lovely girl of +fifteen to her mother the other morning. "Married!" exclaimed the +astonished matron, "what put such an idea into your head?" "Little +Emily, here, has never seen a wedding; and I'd like to amuse the child," +replied the obliging sister, with fascinating _naïveté_. + + * * * * * + +A WOMAN'S WILL.--Won't!!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I dunno what 'er misshus 'll shay--but any'ow 'm nor +goin' to preten I'm shober"--(_hic_).] + + * * * * * + +A CONTRADICTION IN TERMS.--Man and wife. + + * * * * * + +AUTOMATIC COUPLINGS.--Scotch marriages. + + * * * * * + +THE FAMILY HERALD.--A monthly nurse. + + * * * * * + +THE WORST RESULT OF VIVISECTION.--Eve. + +(_By an incorrigible Old Bachelor, who is hiding himself for fear of +consequences._) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FINIS] + + * * * * * + +BRADBURY. AGNEW & CO. LD. PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Book of Love, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42400 *** |