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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42400 ***
+
+MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE
+
+PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
+
+Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
+cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
+draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its
+beginning in 1841 to the present day.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:] _Edwin (suddenly, after a long pause)._ "Darling!"
+
+_Angelina._ "Yes, darling?"
+
+_Edwin._ "Nothing, darling. Only _darling_, darling!"
+
+    [_Bilious Old Gentleman feels quite sick._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE
+
+BEING
+
+THE HUMOURS OF COURTSHIP AND MATRIMONY
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_WITH 150 ILLUSTRATIONS_
+
+BY
+
+  JOHN LEECH,
+  CHARLES KEENE,
+  GEORGE DU MAURIER,
+  SIR JOHN TENNIEL,
+  PHIL MAY,
+  E. T. REED,
+  L. RAVEN-HILL,
+  GORDON BROWNE,
+  TOM BROWNE,
+  J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE,
+  C. E. BROCK,
+  REGINALD CLEAVER,
+  CHARLES PEARS,
+  A. S. BOYD,
+  LEWIS BAUMER,
+  DAVID WILSON,
+  G. L. STAMPA,
+  AND OTHERS.
+
+PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
+
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
+
+THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_
+
+  LIFE IN LONDON
+  COUNTRY LIFE
+  IN THE HIGHLANDS
+  SCOTTISH HUMOUR
+  IRISH HUMOUR
+  COCKNEY HUMOUR
+  IN SOCIETY
+  AFTER DINNER STORIES
+  IN BOHEMIA
+  AT THE PLAY
+  MR. PUNCH AT HOME
+  ON THE CONTINONG
+  RAILWAY BOOK
+  AT THE SEASIDE
+  MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
+  IN THE HUNTING FIELD
+  MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN
+  MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
+  BOOK OF SPORTS
+  GOLF STORIES
+  IN WIG AND GOWN
+  ON THE WARPATH
+  BOOK OF LOVE
+  WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+[Illustration: Take Back the Heart That You Gave Me]
+
+ABOUT MATRIMONIAL JOKES, AND ONE IN PARTICULAR
+
+Of all Mr. Punch's jokes it might be fair to say that none has ever
+rivalled the popularity of "Advice to persons about to marry,--Don't!"
+unless it be that of the Scotsman who had been no more than a few hours
+in London, "when bang went saxpence!" Of the latter, more in its place;
+here, we are immediately concerned with "Punch's advice." The most
+preposterous stories are current among the uninformed as to the origin
+of some of Mr. Punch's favourite jests. Only recently we heard a
+gentleman telling a group of people in a hotel smoking-room that Mark
+Twain got a hundred pounds from Punch for writing that famous line, "I
+used your soap two years ago; since then I have used no other," familiar
+to every one by Mr. Harry Furniss's drawing of a disreputable tramp who
+is supposed to be writing the words quoted. As a matter of fact, the
+idea came to Mr. Furniss from an anonymous correspondent. Stories
+equally, if not more, absurd have been told as to the origin of "Punch's
+advice," which, thanks to the researches of Mr. Spielmann, we now know
+to have been the happy inspiration of Henry Mayhew, one of the founders
+of _Punch_. It was sixty-one years ago that Mayhew wrote the line, and
+how many millions of times it must have been quoted since one dare not
+guess!
+
+It may be said to have struck the keynote of Mr. Punch's matrimonial
+policy, as an examination of his pages reveals him an incorrigible
+pessimist on the subject of marriage. He is very hard on the
+mother-in-law, but in all his life he has not made more than one or two
+jokes about the young wife's pastry, though he has made a good deal of
+fun about her general ignorance of domestic affairs. Nor has he spared
+the bachelor or the old maid, and the designing widow has been an
+especial butt for his shafts.
+
+It might be a good thing to pass a law prohibiting young and
+marriageable men from reading _Punch_, in order to save many of them
+from being discouraged and frightened out of the thought of marriage,
+and it would certainly be an incentive thereto--they would be tempted to
+become Benedicts if only that they might qualify for the removal of the
+prohibition!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "DRIVEN TO DESPERATION"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ADVICE TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.--Don't.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADVICE TO PERSONS WHO HAVE "FALLEN IN LOVE."--Fall out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ENCOURAGING.--_George (who has just engaged himself to the Girl of his
+heart) breaks the happy news to his friend Jack (who has been married
+some time)._--_Jack._ "Ah! well, my dear fellow, marriage is the best
+thing in the long run, and I can assure you that after a year or two a
+man gets used to it, and feels just as jolly as if he'd never married at
+all!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DEFINITION.--Flirtation: a spoon with nothing in it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOMESTIC.--It was a homely but pungent observation, on the part of a man
+of much experience and observation, that marriage without love was like
+tripe without onions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADAGE BY A YOUNG LADY.--Man proposes, but mamma disposes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY A BEASTLY OLD BACHELOR.--A married man's fate (in brief).--Hooked,
+booked, cooked.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DESCRIBE A HOME-CIRCLE.--The wedding ring.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO FIX THE HAPPY DAY.--_Q._ When's the best day for a wedding? _A._
+Why, of course, "A _Weddin's day_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    DOMESTIC ECONOMY.
+
+    Said Stiggins to his wife one day,
+      "We've nothing left to eat;
+    If things go on in this queer way,
+      We shan't make _both ends meet_."
+
+    The dame replied, in words discreet,
+      "We're not so badly fed,
+    If we can make but _one_ end _meat_,
+      And make the other _bread_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Clergyman._ "Augustus, wilt thou take this woman----"
+
+_Bride (late of Remnant & Co.'s Ribbon Department). "Lady!"_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.--Take care to choose a lady help, and not a
+lady encumbrance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ACCOUNTED FOR AT LAST.--Is it not strange that the "best man" at a
+wedding is not the bridegroom? This must be the reason of so many
+unhappy marriages.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST WARDS OF A LATCHKEY.--Homewards!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE GREAT LOTTERY OFFICE STILL RECOGNISED BY THE LAW.--The Marriage
+Register.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "There goes the _second_ Mrs. Muggeray!"
+
+"Gracious! What on earth did he marry her for?"
+
+"Oh, he said he wanted some one to amuse the children!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WONDERFUL WHAT AN ADJECTIVE WILL DO
+
+_Brown (newly married--to Jones, whom he entertained a few evenings
+previously)._ "Well, what did you think of us, old boy, eh?"
+
+_Jones._ "Oh, pretty flat. Er--awfully pretty flat!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY.--"But _why_ do you want to marry her?" "Because I
+_love_ her!" "My dear fellow, that's an _excuse_--not a _reason_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.--What is enough for one, is half enough for
+two, short commons for three, and starvation for half a dozen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    LOVE SONG
+
+    Love me, lady!
+      My hair is gray;
+    When round comes pay-day
+      I cannot pay.
+    My corns are awful,
+      My prospects shady,
+    I want a comforter:
+      Love me, lady!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTES OF ADMIRATION.--Love letters.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THERE IS A TIE THAT BINDS US TO OUR HOMES"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _He._ "I can't understand Phyllis rejecting me last
+night."
+
+_She._ "Never mind. You'll soon get over it."
+
+_He._ "Oh, _I_'ve got over it right enough; but I can't help feeling so
+doosid sorry for _her_. I shan't ask her again!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A NIGHT OF IT"
+
+_Young Wife_ (2 A.M.). "Dinner at the Albion! the theatre! and supper
+and a rubber at the club! Well, Henry, I wonder you did not go to all
+the places of amusement in London, and (_sobbing_) not come home all
+night!"
+
+_Henry._ "My dear, all th' other places shu' rup!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SENSE AND SENSIBILITY
+
+A FRAGMENT
+
+"Yes, Robert! But O! do look at the excellent evening glow on yon distant
+hills! How solemn!! How sublime!"
+
+"O! stunning. Well, _then_ I measured the scullery: six feet by ten...
+that'll just do, won't it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRIMARY ROCK]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EFFECT OF GETTING MARRIED.--"Poor Dick! how sadly he is altered
+since his marriage!" remarked one friend to another. "Why, yes, of
+course," replied the other; "directly a man's neck is in the nuptial
+noose, every one must see that he's a haltered person."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BAD PRE-EMINENCE.--What is there beats a good wife? A bad husband.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUESTION BY A SEWING MACHINE.--What is woman's true sphere?--The
+_Hem_isphere.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MARRIAGE QUESTION.--If a man addicted to smoking marries a widow, does
+it follow that he must lay down his pipe, because she gives up her
+weeds?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A READY-MADE REJOINDER.--_He._ "You made a fool of me when I married
+you, ma'am!" _She._ "Lor! You always told me you were a self-made man!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEM. BY AN OLD MAID.--If you "look over your age," you won't find anyone
+else willing to do the same.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MAFEKING NIGHT
+
+(_Or rather_ 3 A.M. _the following morning_)
+
+_Voice_ (_from above_). "Good gracious, William! Why _don't_ you come to
+bed?"
+
+_William_ (_huskily_). "My dear Maria, you know it's been the rule of my
+life to go to bed shober--and I can't posh'bly come to bed yet!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEOGAMS--A WARNING
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    Newly married,
+    Railway carried;
+          Sighing.
+    At the station
+    Osculation;
+          Crying.
+
+    Smiling, parting;
+    Hands at starting
+          Gripping.
+    Cozy quarters,
+    Guards and porters
+          Tipping.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    On the journey
+    Glances yearny,
+          Mooning.
+    Closely sitting,
+    As is fitting,
+          Spooning.
+
+    Destination;
+    Forced cessation.
+          Pity!
+    Porters poking
+    Fun, and joking,
+          Witty.
+
+    On arriving,
+    Carriage driving;
+          Kissing.
+    Lovely scenery,
+    Lakes and greenery,
+          Missing.
+
+    Hotel, _table
+    d'hôte_ a rabble.
+          Shun it!
+    Private cover
+    Sooner over--
+          Done it.
+
+    Champagne drinking;
+    Waiter winking.
+          Curious!
+    People smiling;
+    Very riling;
+          Furious.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    After dining,
+    Arms entwining,
+          Walking
+    Sipping honey--
+    What's there funny?--
+          Talking.
+
+    So time passes;
+    Grinning asses
+          Guess 'em
+    Newly married,
+    Sorely harried--
+          Bless 'em!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Casual Acquaintance._. "Hear you're to be married, Mr.
+Ribbes. Congratulate you!"
+
+_Mr. Ribbes._ "Much obliged, but I dunno so much about congratulations.
+It's corstin' me a pretty penny, I tell yer. Mrs. Ribbes as is to be,
+she wants 'er _trousseau_, yer know; an' then there's the furnishin',
+an' the licence, an' the parson's fees; an' then I 'ave to give 'er an'
+'er sister a bit o' jool'ry a-piece; an' wot with one thing an'
+another--she's a 'eavy woman, yer know, thirteen stun odd--well, I
+reckon she'll 'a corst me pretty near _two-an'-eleven a pound_ afore I
+git 'er 'ome!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF THE HEARTH-RUG
+
+THE NEGLECTED WIFE TO HER RUSHLIGHT
+
+    My rushlight, when first kindled,
+      Twelve inches long wast thou;
+    And I behold thee dwindled
+      To one, my candle, now!
+
+    How brief thy span, contrasted
+      With rushlight's average life!
+    A happier dip had lasted
+      A week a happier wife.
+
+    Where is my husband got to?
+      Oh say, expiring light!
+    A man ought really not to
+      Stay out so every night.
+
+    I'm sure that Bradshaw's press'd him
+      To join his tippling lot:
+    That Bradshaw! I detest him;--
+      The good-for-nothing sot!
+
+    Would that this piece of paper,
+      Which, ere thy flame expire,
+    I light from thee, my taper,
+      Could set that club on fire.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BLUNDER-BUSS.--Kissing the wrong girl.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR THE MARRIED.--Never dis-pair.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEM. BY "ONE WHO MARRIED IN HASTE."--"The real 'Battle of Life' begins
+with a short engagement."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Time--3 A.M.]
+
+_Voice from above._ "Is that you, John? You're very late, aren't you?"
+
+_Brown (returned from celebrating the latest victory)._ "It's only
+about--er--twelve, my dear, I think----"
+
+_The Cuckoo Clock._ "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"
+
+_Brown (grasping situation instantly)._ "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
+Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A WET NURSE]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LITERA SCRIPTA."--_Wooer._ "Oh, Miss--oh, Lavinia! may I not still
+hope?--or is your cruel rejection of my suit final and irrevoc----"
+_Spinster (firmly)._ "Yes, Mr. Brown, I seriously desire you will regard
+it so." _Wooer._ "Then, dearest, may I ask you"--(_producing the
+materials from adjacent writing-table_)--"to--ah--put it on papar! I
+shall feel safer!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "NOISELESS SEWING MACHINE."--A good wife.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PAUCA VERBA.--_Robinson (after a long Whist bout at the Club)._ "It's
+awfully late, Brown. What will you say to your wife?" _Brown (in a
+whisper)._ "Oh, I shan't say much, you know--'Good morning, dear,' or
+something o' that sort. She'll say the rest!!!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVE THE FARE]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PLAYING DOWN TO HIM.--_Young couple (who expect the visit
+of a very miserly relative, from whom they have expectations) are
+clearing the room of every sign of luxury._
+
+_Wife (earnestly)._ "We must do all we can to make uncle feel at home."
+
+_Husband (caustically)._ "Then we had better let the fire out."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Fair Widow._ "Yes, I've made up my mind that when I die
+I shall be cremated, as my husband was."
+
+_Gallant Captain._ "Dear lady, please don't talk about such dreadful
+things. Consider how much better it would be, in your case,
+to--er--_cross out the C!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Visitor (to Friend lately left a Widower)._--"Hullo, Tom! That looks a
+stiffish bill you've got there!"
+
+_Tom._ "Ah, how those rascals of undertakers do fleece you! They know
+you can hardly help yourself! Of course, in my poor wife's case I would
+cheerfully have paid double. But one hates to be done.--Um!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WIFE'S VOCATION.--Husbandry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DECLARATION
+
+"Louisa, you've stolen something."
+
+"Go on!"
+
+"You 'ave."
+
+"You're a----! _What_ 'ave I stole?"
+
+"_My 'eart!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MARRIAGE MEMORIES
+
+_What the Father says._--Which side must I stand on when I give her
+away?
+
+_What the Mother says._--I am sure the ices will be late for the
+breakfast.
+
+_What the Sister says._--I flatter myself I am the best looking of the
+eight bridesmaids.
+
+_What the Brother says._--Of course, the best man is behind his
+time--just like him!
+
+_What the Pew-opener says._--This way, my dear young lady!
+
+_What the Beadle says._--They are sure to be in time, sir. I will motion
+to you the moment I see 'em a coming.
+
+_What the Clergyman says._--Have you got the ring?
+
+_What the Crowd says._--Hoorray! That's 'er! Oh, ain't 'e a guy!
+
+_What the Old Friend of the Family says._--I have known him too since he
+was so high. That was nigh upon forty years ago!
+
+_What the Funny Man says._--You can see from my face that I am just the
+man to be associated with the bridesmaids.
+
+_What the Best Man says._--Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking.
+
+_What the Bride says._--Good-bye, my own darling mamma and papa,
+and--Emmy dear, please _do_ see the things are all right before we
+start.
+
+_What the Bridegroom says._--Thank goodness, it is all over.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "DECEIVERS EVER"
+
+_Goldsmith._ "Would you like any name or motto engraved on it, sir?"
+
+_Customer_ (_who had chosen an engagement ring_).
+"Ye--yes--um--'Augustus to Irene.' And--ah--loo' here--don't--ah--cut
+'Irene' very deep!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SCIENTIFIC WOOER
+
+    "Drink to me only with thine eyes"--
+      And if you happen to survive a
+    So curious potion, pray advise
+      How it affects the conjunctiva!
+    This problem, which my mind absorbs,
+      A veritable Gordian knot is:
+    How can maids swallow with their orbs?
+      Where's the protecting epiglottis?
+
+    "I sent thee late a rosy wreath"--
+      For Science' sake, my Angelina,
+    And hope you noticed underneath
+      Those buds of _rosa damascena._
+    No high-flown zeal my soul uplifts,
+      And as for ardour, I've not got any;--
+    I simply send you floral gifts
+      To help you forward with your botany!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FLIRT'S PARADISE.--Coquet Island.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SO SWEET OF HER!
+
+_Lady_ (_recently married, in answer to congratulations of visiting lady
+friend_). "Thank you, dear. But I still find it very hard to remember my
+new name."
+
+_Friend._ "Ah, dear, but of course you had the old one so long!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Oh, George dear, the landlord has raised the rent!"
+
+"Has he? _I_ can't!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EVIDENCE OF AN EYE-WITNESS
+
+_Guest._ "Why do you believe in second sight, Major?"
+
+_Major Darby_ (_in an impressive whisper_). "Because _I_ fell in love at
+_first_ sight!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FULL MOON]
+
+[Illustration: FIRST QUARTER]
+
+[Illustration: THIRD QUARTER]
+
+[Illustration: NO MOON]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BRUTE CREATION.--Husbands who beat their wives.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HEIGHT OF MODESTY.--The most bashful girl we ever knew was one who
+blushed when she was asked if she had not been courting sleep.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "_Are_ you comin' 'ome?"
+
+"I'll do ellythik you _like_ in reasol, M'ria--(_hic_)--bur I _won't_
+come 'ome."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Harold._ "And now, darling, tell me what your father
+said when you told him we were engaged."
+
+_Sybil._ "Oh, Harold, don't ask me to repeat his language!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO ALL THE OTHER GIRLS
+
+    You know, I like you awfully, Jess,
+      Phyllis, the same applies to you,
+    To Edith and to Mary no less,
+      Also to others, not a few.
+    Yet some of you are rather "mad,"
+      You choose to feel, I understand, a
+    Slight sense of injury, since I've had
+      The glorious luck to win Amanda.
+
+    I wish, sincerely, it were not
+      Impossible for me to fall
+    In love with _some_ of you--a _lot_--
+      In fact I'd gladly love you _all_!
+    But, when you come to think it out,
+      I'm sure my reasoning will strike you,
+    You'll find it, I can have no doubt,
+      More flattering that I should like you.
+
+    Fate sends their wives to poor and rich,
+      Fate does not send them thus their friends;
+    Then let my final couplet (which
+      I rather fancy) make amends.
+    This fundamental truth, I trust,
+      My seeming fickleness excuses--
+    One simply loves because one _must_
+      Whereas one likes because one _chooses_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HIGHLY SATISFACTORY
+
+_Mistress._ "I'm sorry for you, John; but if your wife has got such a
+dreadful temper, why did you marry her?"
+
+_Coachman_ (_the Fourth Husband_). "Well, mum, I had three good
+characters with her?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _A._ "That's Jones's daughter with him. She's just about
+to be married."
+
+_B._ "Who's the lucky man?"
+
+_A._ "Jones."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A FESTIVE PROSPECT!
+
+_Husband._ "Didn't I tell you not to invite your mother back in my----"
+
+_Wife._ "Dear, that's the very thing she's come about! She read your
+letter!"     [_Tableau._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VALENTINE'S DAY--THEN AND NOW
+
+[Illustration: DOMESTIC TIE]
+
+    THEN--THIRTY YEARS AGO. _Family assembled._
+
+_Paterfamilias._ Post nearly two hours late! Really disgraceful!
+
+_Materfamilias._ Well, dear, remember it's only once a year, and we used
+to enjoy it ourselves before we were married!
+
+_Eldest Daughter._ I got half-a-dozen last year. I dare say I shall get
+twice as many this.
+
+_Second Daughter._ I dare say! I believe you send them yourself!
+
+_Eldest Daughter._ So probable! How can you think of such silly things!
+And how spiteful of you!
+
+_Son and Heir._ Don't quarrel, girls! And here's the post.
+
+_Enter servant with heaps of letters, which are eagerly seized and
+distributed._
+
+_Chorus._ What are they?
+
+_Paterfamilias_ (_disgusted at his budget_). Valentines!
+
+    NOW--TO-DAY. _Family assembled as before._
+
+_Paterfamilias._ The fourteenth of February. Dear me, surely this is a
+memorable date--somehow.
+
+_Materfamilias._ To be sure, father. It's Valentine's Day.
+
+_Eldest Daughter._ Is it really true, mother, that people used to
+receive pictures just as we do Christmas cards?
+
+_Second Daughter._ Come, _you_ can surely remember. It's not so very
+long for you.
+
+_Eldest Daughter._ Don't be spiteful! Remember, miss, there's only a
+couple of years between us!
+
+_Second Daughter._ Really! From our appearance there might be a decade!
+
+_Son and Heir._ Don't quarrel, girls! And here's the post!
+
+_Enter servant with a solitary letter._
+
+_Chorus._ What is it?
+
+_Paterfamilias_ (_perusing a bill_). Not a Valentine!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE ACT OF UNION."--Getting married.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _That dear old Mrs. Wilkinson_ (_who can't always express
+exactly what she means to say, meeting Jones with the girl of his
+choice_). "And is this young lady your _fiasco_, Mr. Jones?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Brown._ "I say, old man, who's that very plain elderly
+lady you were walking with--now sitting here?"
+
+_Smith_ (_the impecunious, who has married money_). "Oh, that's my
+wife."
+
+_Brown._ "Your wife! But"--(_lowering his voice_)--"She has only one
+eye--and so awfully--I beg your pardon--but----"
+
+_Smith_ (_pleasantly_). "You needn't whisper, old man. She's _deaf_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOVE IN LACONICS
+
+    _He._ Love you! Have me, dear?
+    _She._ Humph! How much a year?
+    _He._ Three hundred! Expectations.
+    _She._ Tales of hope! Relations?
+    _He._ Aunt. Ten thousand pounder.
+            Eighty. Always found her
+            Liberal. Thinks me Crichton,
+            Seedy now at Brighton.
+            Made her will,--a right 'un!
+    _She._ Ah! _Aunt_-icipations,--
+            Like _x_ in equations--
+            Unknown quantity?
+            Question! Let me see,
+            Love + "screw" + _x_
+            (Latter for expecs)
+            Equals Me + You!
+            Hardly think 'twill do!
+            Do not wish to vex,
+            But,--first find out _x_!
+    _He._ If I prove _x_ ample--
+    _She._ I'll no longer trample
+            On your hopes.
+    _He._                  Agreed!
+    _She._ Hope you may succeed!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RESULT OF AN IMPRUDENT MARRIAGE (_by our own Matrimonial
+Adviser_).--County Court-ship.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Ethel._ "Why, what's the matter, Gertrude?"
+
+_Gertrude._ "Oh, nothing. Only Jack and I had a quarrel the other day,
+and I wrote and told him never to dare to speak or write to me
+again,---- and the wretch hasn't even had the decency to answer my
+letter!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IDEAL HUSBAND
+
+My dear Ethel,--You ask me what "sort of a husband" I recommend. My
+dear, ask me the name of a dressmaker, of a doctor, or of a (ugh!)
+dentist, and I can tell you precisely. I can name the man. But what sort
+of a husband! Well, after sifting the matter carefully, and after
+looking before _you_ leap, and after an experience of some few years of
+married life, I say, decidedly, choose a man . . .
+
+[Illustration: WHO LIKES TO GO SHOPPING.]
+
+You will find him very useful if managed judiciously; he will prove an
+immense saving to you, as if you went alone you would have to tip
+porters, and squabble with cabmen. Then from a certain view I should
+advise some of those "about to marry" to select a man who has no club.
+But this is an exceptional case. Finally, if you wish to be strictly
+economical, and to live in the suburbs, or in the country, and if your
+husband has no occupation or profession, then I should say, in order
+that you may attend assiduously to your domestic duties, which include
+visiting, five o'clock teas, and so forth, then ascertain that your
+husband is of a maternal disposition, and one . . .
+
+[Illustration: WHO DOES THIS.]
+
+If I think of anything else I will let you know. But, above all, please
+yourself, and by so doing you will delight . . .
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Yours affectionately, DORA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OUT OF THE FRYING-PAN," &c.
+
+_Parson_ (_to Ne'er-do-weel_). "What's this I hear, Giles--that your
+wife has left you! Ah! this is what I----"
+
+_Giles._ "She might do worse than that, sir."
+
+_Parson_ (_shocked_). "Worse!"
+
+_Giles._ "She might come back again!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A RICH YOUNG WIDOW.
+
+    I will not ask if thou canst touch
+      The tuneful ivory key?
+    Those silent notes of thine are such
+      As quite suffice for me.
+
+    I'll make no question if thy skill
+      The pencil comprehends,
+    Enough for me, love, if thou still
+      Canst draw thy dividends!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SO SELFISH?"--_Husband_ (_with pride_). "My love, I've been
+effecting--I've insured my life to-day for ten thousand pou----"
+
+_Young Wife._ "Just like the men! Always looking out for themselves! I
+think--you might have insured mine while you were about it!!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY A FASHIONABLE YOUNG MARRIED WOMAN.--The latest thing out--My husband.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CELIBACY AND WEDLOCK.--If single life is bad, then it stands to reason
+that double life is twice as bad.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EMPLOYMENT FOR WOMEN.--Matchmaking.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VERY NECESSARY
+
+_Young Wife._ "I'm so happy! I wonder you never married."
+
+_Elderly Spinster._ "My child, I've always said I never _would_ and
+never _could_ marry until I met a man different from other men and full
+of courage."
+
+_Young Wife._ "Of course you couldn't. How stupid of me."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "OFF" SEASON
+
+    Daphne, that day
+      Do you remember
+    (Then it was May,
+      Now it's November)
+
+    Plighting our troth
+      Nothing should sever;
+    Binding us both
+      Firmly, for ever?
+
+    Yes, I allow
+      Strephon's more showy;--
+    As for me, now
+      I prefer Chloe.
+
+    Yet, if men say
+      "Fickle," remember
+    Then it was May,
+      Now it's November.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PAPER FOR THE NEWLY-MARRIED.--_The Economist._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"À PROPOS!"--_Sententious Old Bachelor_ (_in the course of
+conversation_). "As the 'old saw' has it, my dear madam, 'Man proposes,
+but----'"
+
+_Widow_ (_promptly_). "Yes; but that's just what he doesn't do!"
+    (_Tableau!_)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR THE DIVORCE COURT.--Marry, and come up!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _She._ "But, George, suppose papa settles my dowry on me
+in my own right?"
+
+_He._ "Well, my dear girl, it's--er--nothing to me if he does!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOVE LETTERS OF A BUSINESS MAN.
+
+[Illustration: ABOUT TO ENTER THE BRIDAL STATE]
+
+The course of true love, though beset with almost insurmountable
+obstacles, often rewards the faithful lovers at the last with supreme
+happiness. But, alas! sometimes the said true love proves naught but a
+toboggan-slide leading to a precipice, into which the true lovers' hopes
+are hurled and dashed into atomic smithereens.
+
+We have before us a volume of a "Business Man's Love Letters," a few
+extracts from which we give below. Reader, if you have a tear, prepare
+to shed it now! The burning passion which surges in the lover's heart,
+though embodied in phrases habitually used by a business man, is sure to
+touch your soul. But presently comes the pathetic ending, when she is no
+longer anything to him, and he--to use the imperfect but
+comprehensive vernacular--is to her as "dead as a door nail." Reader,
+read on!
+
+I.
+
+_August_ 1, 1899.
+
+DEAR MISS SMYTHE,--With reference to my visit last evening at the house
+of Mr. John Jorkins, our mutual friend, when I had the pleasure of
+meeting you.
+
+Having been much charmed by your conversation and general
+attractiveness, I beg to inquire whether you will allow me to cultivate
+the acquaintanceship further.
+
+Awaiting the favour of your esteemed reply,
+
+Yours faithfully,
+
+JOHN GREEN.
+
+II.
+
+_August_ 3, 1899.
+
+MY DEAR MISS SMYTHE,--I beg to acknowledge with many thanks receipt of
+your letter of even date, contents of which I note with much pleasure.
+
+I hope to call this evening at 7.15 p.m., when I trust to find you at
+home.
+
+With kindest regards, I beg to remain,
+
+Yours very truly,
+
+JOHN GREEN.
+
+III.
+
+_August_ 21, 1899.
+
+MY DEAREST EVELINA,--Referring to our conversation this evening when
+you consented to become my wife.
+
+I beg to confirm the arrangement then made, and would suggest the
+wedding should take place within the ensuing six months. No doubt you
+will give the other necessary details your best consideration, and will
+communicate your views to me in due course.
+
+Trusting there is every happiness before us,
+
+I remain,
+
+Your darling Chickabiddy,
+
+JOHN.
+
+IV.
+
+_August_ 22, 1899.
+
+MY OWNEST TOOTSEY-WOOTSEY,--Enclosed please find 22-carat gold
+engagement ring, set with thirteen diamonds and three rubies, receipt of
+which kindly acknowledge by return.
+
+Trusting same will give every satisfaction,
+
+I am,
+
+Your only lovey-dovey,
+
+JOHNNY.
+
+X X X X X X       Kindly note kisses.
+
+V.
+
+_November_ 24, 1899.
+
+MY SWEETEST EVELINA,--I am duly in receipt of your letter of 20th inst.,
+which I regret was not answered before owing to pressure of business.
+
+In reply thereto I beg to state that I do love you dearly, and only you,
+and also no one else in all the world. Further I shall have much
+pleasure in continuing to love you for evermore, and no one else in all
+the world.
+
+Trusting to see you this evening as usual and in good health.
+
+I am, Your ownest own,
+
+JOHN.
+
+VI.
+
+_January_ 4, 1900.
+
+TO MISS SMYTHE, MADAM,--In accordance with the intention expressed in my
+letter of yesterday, I duly forwarded addressed to you a parcel
+containing all letters, etc., received from you, and presume they have
+been safely delivered.
+
+I have received to-day, per carrier, a parcel containing various letters
+which I have written to you from time to time. No doubt it was your
+intention to despatch the complete number written by me, but I notice
+one dated August 21 is not included. Will you kindly forward the letter
+in question by return, when I will send you a full receipt?
+
+Yours faithfully,
+
+JOHN GREEN.
+
+VII.
+
+_January_ 6, 1900.
+
+TO MISS SMYTHE, MADAM,--I beg to acknowledge receipt of your letter of
+yesterday, and note your object in retaining my letter of August 21
+last. As I intend to defend the issue in the case, I shall do as you
+request, and will leave all further communications to be made through my
+solicitors.
+
+Yours, &c.,
+
+JOHN GREEN.
+
+VIII.
+
+15, _Peace Court, Temple, E.C._
+
+Messrs. BANG, CRASH & Co.,
+
+_9a, Quarrel Row, E.C._
+
+_Smythe_ v. _Green_.
+
+GENTLEMEN,--We are in receipt of your communication of yesterday's date,
+with which you enclose copy of letter dated August 21. We note that you
+state the document in question has been duly stamped at Somerset House,
+and are writing our client this evening with a view to offering your
+client terms, through you, to stay the proceedings which have been
+commenced.
+
+Yours faithfully,
+
+BLITHERS, BLATHERS, BLOTHERS & Co.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STRANGE BUT TRUE.--When does a husband find his wife out? When he finds
+her at home and she doesn't expect him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DOMESTIC BLISS
+
+_Head of the Family._ "For what we are going to receive, make us truly
+thankful.--Hem! Cold mutton again!"
+
+_Wife of the Bussum._ "And a very good dinner too, Alexander. _Somebody_
+must be economical. _People_ can't expect to have _Richmond_ and
+_Greenwich_ dinners out of the little housekeeping money _I_ have."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AN ENGLISH MAN'S HOUSE," Etc.
+
+Maid (looking over wall to newly married couple just returned from their
+honeymoon). "Oh please'm, that dog was sent here yesterday as a wedding
+present; and none of us can't go near him. You'll have to go round the
+back way!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CAUTION
+
+_Married Sister._ "And of course, Laura, you will go to Rome or Florence
+for your honeymoon?"
+
+_Laura._ "Oh dear, no! I couldn't think of going further than the Isle
+of Wight with a man I know little or nothing of!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LOVE'S PROMPTINGS
+
+_Edwin_ (_recit_). "'There is no one beside thee, and no one above thee.
+Thou standest alone, as the nightingale sings!'" &c., &c.
+
+_Angelina_ (_amorously_). "Oh, Edwin, how _do_ you think of such
+beautiful things?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DIFFERENT ASPECTS
+
+_She._ "Isn't it a pretty view?"
+
+_Susceptible Youth._ "Awfully pretty, by Jove!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MARRIED _v._ SINGLE
+
+_Bee_ (_single_). "Why do you wear a pink blouse, dear? It makes you
+look so yellow!"
+
+_Bella_ (_married_). "Does it, dear? Of course you can make _your_
+complexion suit _any_ blouse, can't you!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _He._ "My people are bothering me to marry Miss Mayford."
+
+_She._ "You'd be very lucky if you did. She is very clever and very
+beautiful----"
+
+_He._ "Oh! _I_ don't want to marry brains and beauty. I want to marry
+_you_."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN AMBIGUOUS COMPLIMENT
+
+_Miss Beekley._ "I'm so glad _I'm_ not an heiress, Mr. Soper. I should
+never know whether my suitors were attracted by myself or my money."
+
+_Mr. Soper._ "Oh, Miss Beekley, your mirror should leave you in no doubt
+on that score!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bulkley._ "Yes; her parents persuaded her, and it's all
+over between us."
+
+_Sympathetic Friend._ "She can't have realised what a lot she was giving
+up."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Wife._ "I hope you talked plainly to him."
+
+_Husband._ "I did indeed. _I_ told him he was a fool, a perfect fool!"
+
+_Wife_ (_approvingly_). "Dear John! How exactly like you!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE OLD, OLD STORY!
+
+_The Colonel._ "Yes; _he_ was senior wrangler of his year, and _she_
+took a mathematical scholarship at Girton; and now they're engaged!"
+
+_Mrs. Jones._ "Dear me, how interesting! and oh, how different their
+conversation must be from the insipid twaddle of ordinary lovers!"
+
+THEIR CONVERSATION
+
+_He._ "And what would _dovey_ do, if lovey were to _die_?"
+
+_She._ "Oh, dovey would die _too_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NEEDLESSLY POINTED
+
+_Sympathetic Friend._ "Well, my dear, I'm sure your mother will miss you
+sadly after your _having been with her so long_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ALTRUISM
+
+_Maud_ (_newly married_). "You look very melancholy, George; are you
+sorry you married me?"
+
+_George._ "No, dear--of course not. I was only thinking of all the nice
+girls I can't marry."
+
+_Maud._ "Oh, George, how horrid of you! I thought you cared for nobody
+but me?"
+
+_George._ "No more I do. I wasn't thinking of myself, but of the
+disappointment for _them_."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jones_ (_newly married_). "There's my darling playing
+the guitar."]
+
+[Illustration: (_But it wasn't. It was only the garden roller over the
+gravel!_)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
+
+_Jones._ "I will!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Mr. Jenks_ (_who likes Miss Constance_). "No, I assure you, Miss
+Constance, I have _never_ indulged in flirtation."
+
+_Miss Constance_ (_who does_ not _care for Mr. Jenks_). "Ah, perhaps you
+have never had any _encouragement_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LUXURY OF LIBERTY.--_Bosom Friend._ "Well, dear, now that you are a
+widow, tell me are you any the happier for it?" _Interesting Widow._
+"Oh! no. But I have my freedom, and that's a great comfort. Do you know,
+my dear, I had an onion yesterday for the first time these fourteen
+years?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE SILLY SEASON."--The Honeymoon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONSOLATION.--_Mother-in-law._ "I'll be bound that Robert--I've lost all
+patience with him--never dined with you on Michaelmas-day, my dear?"
+_Daughter._ "No, mamma, but he sent me home a goose." _Mother-in-law._
+"Psha! Done in a fit of absence, my dear."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HUSBAND'S REVENGE
+
+_A Warning to Wives who will keep bad Cooks_
+
+      Provisions raw
+      Long time he bore:
+    Remonstrance was in vain;
+      To escape the scrub
+      He join'd a club:
+    Nor dined at home again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MATRIMONY (_by our Musical Cynic_).--The common c(h)ord of two flats.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DOMESTIC BLISS
+
+_Little Foot Page_ (_unexpectedly_). "Here's some gentlemen, please,
+sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+"Can I go abroad to finish, ma?"
+
+"No. It's time you were married--and men don't care how ill-educated a
+woman is."
+
+"You shouldn't judge everybody by pa, ma!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LEAVING THE PARENTAL NEST
+
+_The Bride's Father_ (_to Bridegroom_). "Oh, John, you'll take _care_ of
+her, _won't_ you!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REFLECTIONS ON A BROKEN ENGAGEMENT
+
+    We parted--cheerfully! Yet now
+      I've fallen into disrepute
+    With nearly all her friends, who vow
+      That she's an angel, I'm a brute;
+    Black isn't black enough for me
+      My conduct will not bear inspection--
+    A statement which I hold to be
+      Fair food for critical reflection.
+
+    We parted. The consummate ease
+      With which "united hearts" can range
+    From their allegiance, if they please,
+      But illustrates the laws of change.
+    The thoughts and tastes of yester year
+      Fall under Father Time's correction--
+    This is not critical, I fear,
+      But platitudinous reflection!
+
+    We parted. She had quite a pack
+      Of friends, "nice boys," as she avowed;
+    She called them Bob, and Dick, and Jack,
+      And I was--one amongst the crowd.
+    I did not, people may infer,
+      Possess entire her young affection--
+    Yet, be it understood, on her
+      I cast no shadow of reflection!
+
+    We parted. Men cannot persist--
+      In playing uncongenial parts--
+    I was a keen philatelist,
+      Her hobby was collecting--hearts
+    A simple case. I did not pine
+      To add my heart to her collection,
+    She had no stamps to add to mine,
+      We parted--wisely, on reflection!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CURIOUS DISTINCTION.--The English love; the French make love.--_Madame
+Punch._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Mr. Grumble._ "I see by the paper that Mount Vesuvius is in eruption."
+
+_Mrs. G._ "Oh, I'm _so_ glad!"
+
+_Mr. G._ "There you are again, Maria. Now why on earth should you be
+glad?"
+
+_Mrs. G._ "Well, you can't blame _me_ for it that's all!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OLD FRIENDS
+
+_He._ "Do you remember your old school-friend Sophy Smythe?"
+
+_She._ "Yes, indeed, I do. A most absurd-looking thing. So silly too!
+What became of her?"
+
+_He._ "Oh, nothing. Only--I married her."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE SAME BOAT
+
+"I don't think she's pretty."
+
+"Neither do I." (_After a pause._) "Did she refuse you too?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GREAT EXPECTATIONS.--_Ethel_ (_youngest daughter_). "Oh, pa dear, what
+did Geo---- what did young Mr. Brown want?" _Pa._ "Secret, my love.
+'Wished to speak to me privately!" _Ethel._ "Oh, pa, but do tell
+me--'cause he was so very attentive to me before you came in--and then
+asked me to leave the room." _Pa._ "Well, my dear"--(_in a
+whisper_)--"he'd left his purse at the office, and wanted to borrow
+eighteenpence to pay his train home!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SHARP'S THE WORD!"--_Wife._ "Poor mamma is dreadfully low-spirited this
+morning, George. Only think--she has just expressed a wish to be
+cremated!" _Husband_ (_with alacrity_). "'O'b-less my----" (_Throwing
+down his newspaper._) "Tell her to put her things on, dear! I'll--I'll
+drive her over at once!!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON THE CARDS
+
+_Young Wife._ "Oh, mamma, do you know I believe Alfred's going to
+reform, and give up gambling!"
+
+_Her Mother._ "What makes you think so, dear?"
+
+_Young Wife._ "Why all last night he kept talking in his sleep about his
+miserable, worthless heart!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROFESSIONAL LOVE-LETTERS
+
+[Illustration: LOOKING AFTER THE CHAPS]
+
+I
+
+_From_ MR. NORMAN DORMER, _Architect and Surveyor, to_ MISS CAROLINE
+TOWER.
+
+MY PRECIOUS,
+
+Pity me who must stay and fret in London, while you are enjoying
+yourself at Broadstairs. How I long to be there, surveying the ocean by
+your side, and tracing your dear name on the sands! But fate and a
+father have placed a barrier between us. So I pace up and down before
+the old house in T---- Square, and look up at a certain dormitory on the
+second story--in no state of elevation you may be sure--and make plans
+for the future, and build castles in the air, and try to forget that my
+designs on your heart appear ridiculous to your papa, whose estimate of
+me I am aware is not in excess. For can I forget what he said that wet
+Saturday afternoon in the back drawing-room, when I tendered myself to
+him as a son-in-law, and the tender was not accepted? After telling him
+that it was the summit, the pinnacle of my ambition to win you
+as my wife, did he not answer that he considered I ought not to aspire
+to your hand until the statement of my pecuniary means (as he worded it)
+was more satisfactory, and, meanwhile, requested me to discontinue my
+pointed attentions? Never until _you_ bid me. Only be firm, and the
+difficulties now in our way will but serve to cement us more closely
+together; only be true and I will wait patiently for that day which
+shall put the coping-stone to my happiness. I build upon every word,
+every look, every smile I can call to mind. You _will_ write and assure
+me there is no foundation for the report of another and more fortunate
+competitor, but that I still fill the same niche in your affections I
+ever did? For, Caroline, were I to hear you were an "engaged" Tower, I
+could not survive the blow. I should stab myself with my compasses in
+the back office.
+
+But away with such gloomy fears. Let me picture her to myself. How plumb
+she stands! How arch she looks! What a beam in her eye! What a graceful
+curve in her neck! What an exquisitely chiselled nose! What a brick of a
+girl altogether! I must stop in my specification, or you will think
+there is something wrong in my upper story, and not give credence to a
+word I say.
+
+I have just been calling on your sister, and saw your little pet Poppy,
+who talked in her pretty _Early English_ about "Tant Tarry." Aunt Sarah
+was there, staying the day, looking as mediæval as ever, and with her
+hair dressed in the usual Decorated style. She hinted that you were
+imperious, and that any man who married you must make up his mind (grim
+joke) to fetch and Carry at your bidding. And then you were so
+ambitious! The wiseacre! why, I will leave no stone unturned to get on
+in my profession if you will only be constant. I will be the architect
+of my own fortunes--your love the keystone of my prosperity. The columns
+of every newspaper shall record my success; every capital in Europe
+shall know my name. She did not unhinge me a bit, and the shafts of her
+ridicule fell harmless; although, she made an allusion to "dumpy" men,
+which I knew was levelled at me, and sneered at married life as very
+pretty for a time, but the stucco soon fell off. Poor Aunt Sarah! I left
+her sitting up quite perpendicular with that everlasting work which she
+is always herring-boning. And now, Carry, darling--oh, dear! I am wanted
+about something in our designs for the new Law Courts, and have only
+time to sign myself,
+
+Your own, till Domesday, NORMAN.
+
+II
+
+  _From_ MR. ALFRED PYE, _Professed Man Cook,
+    to_
+    MISS MARTHA BROWNING.
+
+What a stew I was in all Friday, when no letter came from my Patty!
+Everything went wrong. I made a hash of one of my _entrées_, and the
+_chef_, who guessed the cause of my confusion, roasted me so that at
+last I boiled over, and gave him rather a tart answer, for, as you know,
+I am at times a little too peppery. Thy sweet note, when it _did_
+arrive, made all right. I believe I was quite foolish, and went capering
+about with delight. And then I cooled down, and composed a new
+_soufflé_. So you see I do not fritter away _all_ my time, whatever
+those malicious people who are so ready to carp at me may think.
+
+You say you always like to know where I go in an evening. Well, I went
+to the Trotters last night, and Fanny played the accompaniment, and I
+sang--how it made me think of you!--"_Good-bye, Sweetbread, good-bye!_"
+(How absurd! Do you see what I have written instead of _"Sweetheart"_?
+All the force of habit. It will remind you of that night at Cookham,
+when we were the top couple in the supper quadrille, and I shouted,
+"Now, Side-dishes, begin!" and everybody roared except a certain young
+lady, who looked a trifle vexed. Don't you remember that Spring? You
+must, because the young potatoes were so small.)
+
+Your _protégé_, Peter, goes on famously. He's a broth of a boy, not a
+pickle, like many lads of his age, and yet he won't stand being sauced,
+as he calls it. He and I nearly got parted at the station, for the crowd
+was very great after the races--in fact, a regular jam. It rained hard
+when we reached Sandwich, and I got dripping wet, for I had forgotten my
+waterproof, and there was not a cab to be had. But now the weather has
+changed again, and we are half baked. A broiling sun and not a puff of
+wind.
+
+There was no one in the train I knew. Some small fry stuffing buns all
+the way, and opposite me a girl who had her hair crimped just like
+yours, and wore exactly the same sort of scalloped jacket. A raw young
+man with her, evidently quite spooney; and they larded their talk with
+rather too many "loves" and "dears" for my taste, for you know _we_ are
+never tender in public. It grated _so_ on my ear, that at last I made
+some harmless joke to try and stop it, but mademoiselle, who spoke in
+that mincing way you detest, turtled up, so I held my tongue all the
+rest of the way, and amused myself with looking at your _carte_, and
+concocting one of my own for our great dinner on the 29th, for the
+_chef_ has gone to Spithead, and left all to me. And now, my duck, not
+to mince matters, when I have got that off my mind (if the dinner is
+only as well dressed as you, it will do), you must fix the day. I am
+quite unsettled. I cannot concentrate my thoughts on my gravies as I
+ought, and my desserts are anything but meritorious. All your fault,
+miss. You are as slippery as an eel. I must have it all arranged when I
+come up to the City next week. I have some business in the Poultry, but
+shall slip away as soon as I can, and bring your mother the potted
+grouse and chutney. ("Cunning man," I hear you say, "he wants to curry
+favour with mamma.") And you will do what I ask? Where shall we go for
+our wedding trip?--Strasbourg, Turkey, Cayenne, Westphalia,
+Worcestershire? Perhaps, I think most of coming back to the little house
+which I know somebody will always keep in apple-pie order, and of covers
+for two; and I shall admire the pretty filbert-nails while she
+peels my nuts, and we will both give up our flirtations, mere
+_entremets_, and sit down soberly to enjoy that substantial
+_pièce de résistance_ -- Matrimony. Do you like the _menu_?
+Then, my lamb, say "yes" to
+
+Your own
+
+ALFRED.
+
+P.S.--I know my temper is rather short, but then think of my crust! And
+it speaks well for me that I would rather be roasted fifty times than
+buttered once. I _do_ hate flummery, certainly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Partner of his Joys_ (_who has superintended the
+removal_). "Well, dear, you haven't said how you like the new flat!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_She._ "It's no use bothering me, Jack. I shall marry whom I please."
+
+_He._ "That's all I'm asking you to do, my dear. You please me well
+enough!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN UNFORESEEN MATRIMONIAL CONTINGENCY
+
+_Angelina._ "Did you ever see anything so wonderful as the likeness
+between old Mr. and Mrs. Bellamy, Edwin? One would think they were
+brother and sister, instead of husband and wife!"
+
+_Edwin._ "Married people always grow like each other in time, darling.
+It's very touching and beautiful to behold!"
+
+_Angelina (not without anxiety)._ "Dear me! And is it _invariably_ the
+case, my love?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_The Widow's Intended._ "Well, Tommy, has your mother told you of my
+good fortune."
+
+_Tommy._ "No. She only said she was going to marry you!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Young Muddleigh, who has been out buying underwear for
+his personal use, purchases at the same establishment some flowers for
+his ladye-love--leaving a note to be enclosed. Imagine Young Muddleigh's
+horror, on returning to dress, to discover that the underwear had been
+sent with the note, and the flowers to him! Muddleigh discovered,
+repeating slowly to himself the contents of the note_:--"Please wear
+these this evening, for my sake!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "IS IT A FAILURE?"
+
+_Mamma_ (_their last unmarried daughter having just accepted an offer_).
+"Well, George, now the girls are all happily settled, I think we may
+consider ourselves fortunate, and that marriage isn't----"
+
+_Papa_ (_a pessimist_). "Um--'don't know! Four families to keep 'stead
+of one!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SO FRIVOLOUS!
+
+_Wife._ "Solomon, I have a bone to pick with you."
+
+_Solomon_ (_flippantly_) "With pleasure, my dear, so long as it's a
+funny bone!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HUSBANDS IN WAITING"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Stout Wife._ "I shall never get through here, James. If you were half a
+man, you would lift me over!"
+
+_Husband._ "If you were half a woman, my dear, it would be easier!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+"Was he very much cast down after he'd spoken to papa?"
+
+"Yes. Three flights of stairs!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SCORED"
+
+_Little Wife._ "Now, Fred dear, I'm ready."
+
+_Lazy Husband._ "I'm awfully sorry, dear; but I _must_ stay in, as I'm
+expecting a friend every minute."
+
+_Little Wife_ (_sarcastically_). "A friend every minute! Heavens, Fred!
+What a crowd of friends you'll have by the end of the day!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DECIDEDLY PLEASANT
+
+_Genial Youth._ "I say, Gubby, old chap, is this really true about your
+going to marry my sister Edie?"
+
+_Gubbins._ "Yes, Tommy. It's all settled. But why do you ask?"
+
+_G. Y._ "Oh! only because I shall have such a jolly slack time now! You
+know _I've_ pulled off nearly all her engagements so far, only you're
+the first one who's been a _real stayer_!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_He._ "The joke was, both these girls were hopelessly in love with me,
+and I made them madly jealous of each other."
+
+_She._ "I wonder you had the face to do it, Mr. Sparkins!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WE FELL OUT, MY WIFE AND I"
+
+_He._ "That's absurd! Do you think I'm as big a fool as I look?"
+
+_She._ "I think that if you aren't, you have a great deal to be thankful
+for!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SUCH AN EXAMPLE
+
+_Wife_ (_to husband, who has barked his shins violently against the bed,
+and is muttering something to himself_). "Oh, Jack, how _can_ you!
+Supposing baby were to hear you!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _She_ (_after they have walked three miles without a word
+being spoken_). "Aw say, John, tha'art very quoiet. Has nowt fur to
+say?"
+
+_He._ "What mun aw say? Aw dunno know."
+
+_She._ "Say that tha loves me."
+
+_He._ "It's a'reet _sayin_' aw love thee, but aw dunno loike tellin'
+loies!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT TO WEAR ON YOUR WEDDING DAY.
+
+(By a Confirmed and Cantankerous Celibate)
+
+            Married in white,
+            You have hooked him all right.
+            Married in grey,
+            He will ne'er get away.
+            Married in black,
+            He will wish himself back.
+            Married in red,
+            He will wish himself dead.
+            Married in green,
+            _His_ true colour is seen.
+            Married in blue,
+            _He_ will look it, not _you_.
+            Married in pearl,
+            He the distaff will twirl.
+            Married in yellow,
+            Poor fellow! Poor fellow!
+            Married in brown,
+            Down, down, derry down.
+            Married in pink,
+            To a slave he will sink.
+            Married in crimson,
+            He'll dangle your whims on.
+            Married in buff,
+            He will soon have enough.
+            Married in scarlet,
+            Poor victimised varlet!
+    Married in violet, purple, or puce,
+    It doesn't much matter, they _all_ mean--the deuce!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CASE OF GREAT INTEREST AT SOUTH KENSINGTON MUSEUM
+
+STUDY FROM LIFE]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A ROMANCE OF ROAST DUCKS
+
+"My darling, will you take a little of the--a--the stuffing?"
+
+"I will, dear, if you do; but if you don't, I won't."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE REAL FALL OF MAN.--Falling in love!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUALIFYING A SWEEPING ASSERTION.--_Sophie_ (_after hearing about
+Frank_). "I declare I shall not believe a word a man says to me. They're
+_all_ liars!" _Beatrice._ "For shame, Sophie!" _Sophie_ (_regretfully_).
+"At least all the _nice_ ones are!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INGRATITUDE
+
+_Brown._ "Why doesn't Walker stop to speak? Thought he knew you!"
+
+_Smith._ "Used to; but I introduced him to the girl he married. Neither
+of them recognises me now!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADVICE TO YOUNG HOUSEKEEPERS.--Put your washing out if you do not wish
+your husband to be put out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONGRUOUS COUPLES.
+
+    If there's a well-matched pair in married life
+    It is a horsey man and nagging wife.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APT ILLUSTRATION.--Idealism and Realism: Courtship and Marriage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAR FROM IT.--The woman who is bent on marrying a man because he is a
+lion, should remember that it does not necessarily follow that she will
+become a lioness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OVER-SCRUPULOUS.--"My husband is Vicar of St. Boniface--but I don't
+attend his church." "Indeed! How is that?" "The fact is, I--I don't
+approve of married clergymen!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HOME RULE."--Petticoat government.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CALF-LOVE
+
+    Calf-love is a passion most people scorn,
+    Who've loved, and outlived, life and love's young morn;
+    But there _is_ a calf-love too common by half,
+    And that's the love of the Golden Calf!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HE HAD BEEN KICKED OUT ONCE
+
+_She._ "Wot time be you a-coming round to-night, Jock?"
+
+_Jock._ "What time does y'r old man put 'is slippers on?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. NAGGLETON'S ADVICE TO A WIFE.--Defiance, not defence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LONG ODDS.--Tall husband and short wife.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WORDS TO A WIFE
+
+    Love, thou'rt like yet unlike mutton,
+      Likewise beef, and veal, and lamb.
+    Do not answer that the glutton
+      I bespeak me that I am.
+    They in price, year after year, are
+      Rising, thou must needs allow;
+    Butcher's meat grows ever dearer:
+      So, and yet not so, dost thou.
+
+    For although my annual payment
+      To my butcher waxeth still,
+    Less and less each time for raiment,
+      Wanes thy linendraper's bill.
+    Thus by thrift expense thou meetest;
+      Whence thy wisdom doth appear:
+    Also, that I find thee, sweetest,
+      Cheaper still and still more dear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ÆSTHETICS OF DRESS.--_Customer_ (_he has been bidden to a wedding, and
+can't make up his mind in the matter of trouser patterns, but at last
+says_). "O, there! that'll do, I sh'd think!" _Tailor._ "Pardon me, sir;
+if you are going to be 'best man,' the shade is hardly tender enough!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TURTLE-DOVETAILING
+
+["The latest development of phrenological enterprise is the
+establishment of a phrenological matrimonial bureau, to secure the
+introduction of persons desiring to be married to partners with suitable
+or harmonious phrenological endowments."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+_Miss Evergreen_ (_who has been introduced to Mr. Slowboy_). "Well, it
+may be a lovely head, but ain't he got a big bump of _cautiousness_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DIVORCE SHOP
+
+    "A nation of shopkeepers!" Well, that old jeer
+    May fall with small sting on an Englishman's ear,
+      For 'tis commerce that keeps the world going.
+    But _this_ kind of shop? By his _bâton_ and hunch,
+    The thought of it sickens the spirit of _Punch_,
+      And sets his cheek angrily glowing.
+
+    The Philistines, Puritans, Podsnaps, and Prigs
+    Of Britain play up some preposterous rigs,
+      And tax e'en cosmopolite charity.
+    But here is a business that's not to be borne;
+    Its mead is the flail and the vial of scorn,
+      Not chaffing or Christmas hilarity.
+
+    The skunk _not_ indigenous, sirs, to our Isle?
+    The assertion might well bring a cynical smile
+      To the lips of a critical Yankee.
+    The vermin is here; he has set up a shop,
+    And seems doing a prosperous trade, which to stop
+      Demands more than mere law's hanky-panky.
+
+    Poor law's tangled up in long coils of red tape,
+    She's the butt for each Jeremy Diddler's coarse jape,
+      Every filthy Paul Pry's ghoulish giggle.
+    John Bull, my fine fellow, wake up, and determine
+    To stamp out the lives of the venomous vermin
+      Who round your home-hearth writhe and wriggle.
+
+    'Ware snakes! No, _Punch_ begs the ophidian's pardon!
+    The slimiest slug in the filthiest garden
+          Is not so revolting as these are,
+    These ultra-reptilian rascals, who spy
+    Round our homes, and, for pay, would, with treacherous eye,
+      Find flaws in the wife e'en of Cæsar.
+
+    Find? Well, if unable to _find_ they will _make_.
+    No, the loathliest asp that e'er lurked in the brake
+      To spring on the passer unwary,
+    Was not such an _anguis in herbâ_ as this is,
+    Mean worm, which of all warning rattles and hisses
+      Is so calculatingly chary.
+
+    The spy sets up shop! And what has he for sale?
+    False evidence meant to weight justice's scale,
+      Eavesdroppings, astute fabrications,
+    The figments of vile keyhole varlets, the fudge
+    Of venal vindictiveness. Faugh! the foul sludge
+      Reeks rank as the swamp's exhalations.
+
+    Paul Pry, with a poison-fang, ready to bite
+    In the pay of home-hate or political spite,
+      Is a portent as mean as malignant.
+    The villain is vermin scarce worthy of steel,
+    His head should lie crushed 'neath the merciless heel
+      Of honesty hotly indignant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DIVORCE SHOP
+
+_Private Inquiry Agent._ "Want a divorce, sir? Certainly,
+sir,--certainly! Any evidence you may require ready at the shortest
+possible notice!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST SCHOOL OF NEEDLEWORK.--A husband's wardrobe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PARTING INJUNCTION.--A decree in the Divorce Court.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIMPLE.--_Q._ When is a man tied to time? _A._ When he marries a second.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"NATURAL SELECTION."--Choosing a wife.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Small Voice from under the bed._ "_No_, I will _not_
+come out! I tell you, once and for all, Bernesia, I _will_ be master in
+my own house!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST EXCUSE FOR A MAN MARRYING HIS DECEASED WIFE'S SISTER.--Because
+he will only have one mother-in-law.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DISTINCTION WITHOUT A DIFFERENCE
+
+(_A Drama in two Acts illustrative of the peculiarities of the British
+Idiom of End-dearment_)
+
+ACT I.--_Before the Event._
+
+_Adolphus._ Won't it make its adored happy by naming the day then--a
+playful little puss!
+
+_Seraphina._ Ah! I suppose it must have its own way--a sad young dog.
+
+ACT II.--_After the Event._
+
+_Seraphina_ (_with emphasis_). O! when mamma comes you will not treat me
+so--you insolent puppy!
+
+_Adolphus_ (_with decided emphasis_). Ah! don't talk to me, you cat!!!
+
+_Curtain falls._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST SETTLEMENT FOR A RICH WIFE WHO ELOPES.--A penal one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: COLD SYMPATHY
+
+_Friend._ "Hullo, old man, what's the matter?"
+
+_Gilded Youth._ "Just proposed to a girl--been refused. Think I shall
+blow my brains out!"
+
+_Friend._ "Congratulate you, old chap!"
+
+_Gilded Youth._ "What do you mean?"
+
+_Friend._ "Didn't know you had any!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUOD ERAT DEMONSTRANDUM
+
+_Gertrude._ "But nobody ever dies of a broken heart."
+
+_Evelyn._ "Oh, but they do. Why, I knew a man who was jilted, and he
+died almost immediately afterwards."
+
+_Gertrude._ "Well, if he'd lived he'd have got over it."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SEVEN WONDERS                      THE SEVEN WONDERS
+OF A MARRIED MAN.                      OF A MARRIED
+                                       WOMAN.
+
+1. NOT going to sleep after            1. NEVER having "a
+dinner!                                gown to put on," when
+                                       invited out anywhere.
+
+2. Never going anywhere                2. Always being down the
+in the evening, excepting              first to breakfast! always
+"to the club!"                         being dressed in time for
+                                       dinner! and never keeping
+                                       the carriage (or the cab)
+                                       waiting at the door a
+                                       minute!
+
+3. Always being good-tempered          3. Not always having
+over the loss of a                     "delicate health," about
+button, and never wreaking             the autumn, and being
+his vengeance on the coals             recommended by her medical
+if the dinner isn't ready              man "change of air"
+exactly to a minute!                   immediately!
+
+4. Never finding fault with            4. Keeping up her "playing
+his "dear little wifey", if            and singing" the same
+she happens to be his partner          after marriage as before!
+at whist.
+
+5. Not "wondering,"                    5. Giving her husband the
+regularly every week, "how             best cup of tea!
+the money goes!"
+
+6. Resigning himself                   6. Never making the house
+cheerfully, when asked to              uncomfortable by continually
+accompany his wife on "a               "putting it to rights!"--nor
+little shopping!"                      filling it choke-full
+                                       with a number of things it
+                                       does not want, simply because
+                                       they are "bargains!"
+
+7. Insisting upon the                  7. Never alluding, under
+servants sitting up, sooner            the strongest provocation,
+than take the latchkey with            to "the complete sacrifice
+him!!!                                 she has made of herself!"--nor
+                                       regretting the "two or
+                                       three good offers," which
+                                       she (in common with every
+                                       married woman) had before
+                                       she was foolish enough to
+                                       accept _him_!!--and never,
+                                       by any accident, calling her
+                                       husband "a brute!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALL FOR MONEY.--Jack Damyan and his wife have just started on their
+wedding tour. The lady's chief attraction is her income. In this case,
+Jack's friends call the usual period of seclusion the moneymoon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FOURTEENTH OF FEBRUARY
+
+_Comely Housemaid._ "None for you, miss."
+
+_Daughter of the House._ "But--why--who are all those for, then?"
+
+_Comely Housemaid._ "Me, miss!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BALANCE RESTORED
+
+_Mrs. Henry Peek._ "Bah! I only married you because I pitied you, when
+nobody else thought anything about you!"
+
+_Mr. Henry Peek_ (_wearily_). "Ah, well, my dear, everybody pities me
+now!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHE "JESTS AT SCARS," ETC.--_Aunt._ "And how's Louisa, my dear? Where is
+she?" _Sarcastic Younger Sister_ (_fancy free_). "Oh, pretty well, but
+she won't be on view these two hours. She's writing to her 'Dear Fred';
+at least I fancy I saw her come out of the library with Tupper's Poems
+and a _Dictionary_!!!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OLD-MAIDISM.--Love is blind, and Hymen is the oculist that generally
+manages to open his eyes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AS MAN'S INGRATITUDE"
+
+"Nonsense, Frank! Can't pay them! Why, before we were married you told
+me you were well off."
+
+"So I was. But I didn't know it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. Guzzle._ "Ah, Jinks, I hear you are going to be
+married. Good thing too. You'll have some one to keep that cook of yours
+up to the mark. She wants it!"
+
+_Mr. Jinks._ "Yes. But, you see, it's cook I'm going to marry!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAITING
+
+    Enchantress with the nut-brown hair,
+      Bright genius of the A. B. C.,
+    Approach, in beauty past compare,
+      And spell Love's alphabet to me!
+
+    Content no more am I each night,
+      Amid a weird, dyspeptic host,
+    To order, with a keen delight,
+      And watch thee bring, the tea and toast.
+
+    I covet more transcendent joys;
+      Be mine, and come where Ocean waits
+    Instead of thee, and where annoys
+      No tinkling clash of cups and plates.
+
+    There grant to me, beneath the stars,
+      Not buttered scones, but smiles of bliss;
+    Not pastry, that digestion mars,
+      But something sweeter still--a kiss.
+
+                     * * *
+
+    Enchantress with the nut-brown hair,
+      Bright genius of the A. B. C.,
+    Ah, heed a lover's anguished prayer,
+      And be not D. E. F. to me!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADVICE TO HONEYMOONERS ABOUT TO START ON A CONTINENTAL TRIP.--The most
+appropriate place for "_les noces_" should be "The Hotel Marry-time,
+Calais."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BETWEEN SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS
+
+_Lady Binks_ (_a devoted widow, earnestly_). "Oh, Mr. Crichton, be
+careful how you marry! Sir Peter, who, as you know, rose to the highest
+positions, used frequently to say that more men owed their success to
+the beauty and social charm of their wives, than to their own energy and
+talents."
+
+_Mr. Crichton_ (_plunging on the "nil nisi bonum" principle_). "Surely,
+Lady Binks, none could say that of Sir Peter!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITERAL.--_Visitor_ (_to Disconsolate One_). "Rejected you, did she? Oh,
+what o' that? Often do at first. Try her again. You're not pertinacious
+enough. You should have pressed her----"
+
+_Dejected One._ "Yes, but--confound her!--she wouldn't let me come near
+her!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PARRIED
+
+_The Major_ (_not so young as he feels_). "Ah, Miss Muriel, in the
+spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of----"
+
+_Miss Muriel_ (_who wishes to avoid a proposal_). "What a memory you
+have, major!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _He._ "Oh, pray, Miss Dalrimple, _don't_ call me Mr.
+Brookes."
+
+_She._ "Oh, but our acquaintance has been so brief. This is so
+sudden----" (_Sweetly._) "Why shouldn't I call you Mr. Brookes?"
+
+_He._ "Oh--only because my name's Somerset!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"UNEQUAL RATING."--A big wife scolding a little husband.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DIVORCE MEASURE.--Half and half.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FEMININE PERVERSITY.--_Aunt Betsy._ "I wonder, James, at your
+encouraging young Cadby to be so much with Madeline! He's a bad match,
+and not a good fellow, I fear!" _Papa._ "Confound him, no! I've given
+him _carte-blanche_ to come when he likes, and she's getting rather
+tired of him at last, for I'm always cracking him up!" _Aunt Betsy._
+"And that nice fellow, Goodenough? He's never here now?" _Papa._ "No;
+I've forbidden him the house, and won't even allow his name to be
+mentioned. She's always thinking of him in consequence. I'm in hopes
+she'll marry him some day!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VIRGINIA STOCK'S VIEW OF IT.
+
+    Is Marriage a Failure? Why, yes, to be sure.
+    But, oh! abolition won't furnish a cure.
+    Whilst thousands of spinsters in solitude tarry,
+    It's clearly a failure--because men _won't_ marry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN "ELASTIC BAND."--The Marriage Tie (in the Divorce Court).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PARTHIAN SHOT
+
+_He_ (_after a quarrel, bitterly_). "I _was_ a fool when I married
+_you_!"
+
+_She_ (_quietly, about to leave the room_). "Yes; but I thought you
+would improve!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HARMONY
+
+_Brown_ (_Philistine_). "I heard it was all 'off' between you and Miss
+Roweshett."
+
+_Wobbinson_ (_Æsthete_). "Ya-as. Incompatibility of complexion!--she
+didn't suit my furnitchar!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_'Liza._ "Wot's it feel like, bein' in love, Kytie?"
+
+_Katie._ "Ow, it's prime, 'Liza. It's like 'avin' 'ot treacle runnin'
+daown yer back!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG OF THE HIGHER SENTIMENTS
+
+    I live a mild domestic life,
+    Devoted dearly to my wife,
+    So much so, that from her extends
+    My fond affection to her friends;
+    And first of all--no spooney raw--
+    Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law!
+
+    My pet's old parent's rather stout;
+    I just might clasp her waist about:
+    Some three yards round, and not much more.
+    I've thoughts of widening my front-door,
+    I shouldn't mind the expense one straw.
+    Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law!
+
+    At times I may myself forget,
+    Which, if she thinks, she tells my pet;
+    But when I don't do all I should,
+    Her telling tends to make me good;
+    I'm pleased to have her find the flaw.
+    Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law!
+
+    The servants that upon her wait
+    A pleasure have which must be great.
+    And yet can we get none to stay.
+    I grieve so when she goes away!
+    Tears from my eyes her turned heels draw.
+    Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law!
+
+    A sweet old soul, how pleased I feel
+    To see her at the social meal
+    Of dinner sit, her mouth a chink
+    Ne'er opened save to meat--and drink!
+    And I'll ne'er grudge (I am so free)
+    Her gin and brandy in her tea.
+    I hold her in such filial awe;
+    Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Just look at Mr. Jones over there, flirting with that
+girl! I always thought he was a woman-hater?"
+
+"So he is; but she's not here to-night!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STRAIGHT TIP.--"And so now they're engaged! _Well_, Jessie, to think
+of _you_, with your beauty and accomplishments, and your lovely voice,
+being cut out by such an ignorant little fright as that Maggie Quickson!
+You _sang_ to him, I suppose?" "Yes, mamma, by the hour! But _she_ made
+_him_ sing, you know, and played his accompaniments for him!" "Why,
+_can_ he sing?" "No, mamma; but she made him _believe_ he could!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR A "KISS."--Go it, my two lips.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CROSSED IN LOVE.--A wedding-present cheque.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Q._ What is the difference between a lover asking the object of his
+affections to marry him, and a guest who ventures to hint to his host
+that the Pommery '80 is rather corked?
+
+_A._ The one pops the question, the other questions the pop.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_He._ "How would you like to own a--er--a little puppy?"
+
+_She._ "Oh, Mr. Softly, this is so sudden!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO MAKE LIFE EMINENTLY DISAGREEABLE
+
+(_By a strong-minded Married Woman_)
+
+
+Always provide for everything beforehand. As things are sure to turn out
+differently from what you have arranged, this will familiarise you with
+disappointment.
+
+Always go back upon a mistake or a misfortune, and so take the
+opportunity of proving how much better things would have been if
+something had been done that hasn't.
+
+Never give way in trifles, as there is no saying how soon you may be
+called upon to give way in matters of more importance.
+
+A mistress may talk _at_ her servants, but should never lower herself so
+far as to talk _to_ them.
+
+Never dress for your husband, which will teach him to value you for your
+gifts of mind, not your attractions of person.
+
+Never give expression to your affections, as there is no saying how
+soon they may alter, and you may thus be guilty of great inconsistency.
+
+Never consult the taste of your husband, or he will in time come to look
+on his house as a club, where all is comfort and self-indulgence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO AN OLD FLAME--(TWENTY YEARS AFTER)
+
+    A little girl, a charming tiny tot,
+      I well remember you with many a curl,
+    Although I recollect you said "I'm not
+                A _little_ girl."
+
+    We parted. Mid the worry and the whirl
+      Of life, again, alas! I saw you not.
+    I kept you in my memory as a pearl
+      Of winsome childhood. So imagine what
+    A shock it was this morning to unfurl
+      My morning paper, there to see you've got
+                A little girl!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE POET AND HIS LOVE--(A LAPSUS LINGUÆ.)--_He._ "I see that you wear
+brown boots, sweetheart--a sign of the falling of the year." _She._
+"Yes, it is in concord with the decadence of the leaf." _He._ "Say
+rather of the cutting of the corn." (_And then the match was broken off
+through no fault of his._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SAFE MORTGAGE
+
+_Angelina._ "Edwin, promise me you'll never describe me as your
+'relict.'"
+
+_Edwin._ "Dearest, I never will! I'd die sooner!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Brown_ (_who has been dining at the club with Jones_). "Just come in a
+minute, old fellow, and have a night-cap."
+
+_Jones_. "I'm afraid it's getting a little late. Let's see, how's the
+enemy."
+
+_Brown_. "Oh! that's all right. _She's_ in bed."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--"Well, but if you can't bear
+her, whatever made you propose?" "Well, we had danced three dances, and
+I couldn't think of anything else to say!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FIN DE SIÈCLE SUITOR.
+
+    I love you in an all-absorbing, fond, unselfish way,
+    I dream of you the long night thro', I think of you each day,
+    Whene'er I hear your voice, my dear, a spell o'er me is cast,
+    The rapture of your presence is (I'm certain) bound to last.
+
+    On you I'll pour the loving store and treasures of my heart,
+    With riches of an earthly kind I am more loth to part,
+    I'll sing your praise in loving ways, for are you not my queen?
+    You'll find the verses published in our local magazine.
+
+    So deep is my affection I would joyfully propose,
+    But for one great objection, which now I will disclose,
+    Intense is your suspense, so I'll endeavour to be short,
+    The fact is, that _a husband you're not able to support_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW DISH FOR A WEDDING BREAKFAST.--Curried favour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST CURE FOR THE HEARTBURN.--Marriage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Young Bride._ "Do you let your husband have a latchkey, Mrs. Jones?"
+
+_Mrs. Jones._ "No, my dear; it would be useless. I give it to the
+milkman!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PROGNOSTICATION
+
+When Mrs. Tubbles awoke (she sleeps very soundly), the morning after
+that farmers' dinner, she found John by her side with his boots on and
+the umbrella open! His explanation was that, besides being very tired,
+he perhaps "fansh'd there wash 'shtorm comin' on!"
+
+  [It came!
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HUSBAND'S LAMENT
+
+AIR--"_I once had a sweet little Doll, dears._" (_Kingsley's words, set
+by A. Cecil._)
+
+    I once saw a sweet pretty face, boys:
+      Its beauty and grace were divine.
+    And I felt what a swell I should be, boys,
+      Could I boast that such charms were all mine!
+    I wooed. Every man I cut out, boys,
+      At my head deep anathemas hurled:--
+    But I said as I walked back from church, boys,
+      "I'm the luckiest dog in the world!"
+
+    As doves in a cot we began, boys,
+      A cosy and orthodox pair:
+    Till I found at my notable wife, boys,
+      The world was beginning to stare.
+    She liked it. At first, so did I, boys,
+      But, at length, when all over the place
+    She was sketched, hunted, photo'd and mobbed, boys,
+      I cried, "Hang her sweet pretty face!"
+
+    Still, we went here and there,--right and left, boys;--
+      We were asked dozens deep,--I say "we,"
+    Though wherever I went not a soul, boys,
+      Could have pointed out Adam from me.
+    But we had a rare social success, boys,
+      Got mixed with the noble and great,
+    Till one's friends, who say kind and nice things, boys,
+      Talked of me as "the man come to wait!"
+
+    So, I've no more a sweet pretty wife, boys;--
+      For the one that I once hoped to own,
+    Belongs, as I've found to my cost, boys,
+      To the great British public alone.
+    So until they've got tired of her face, boys,
+      And a rival, more touzled or curled,
+    Drives her home to her own proper place, boys--
+      I'm the dullest dull dog in the world!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SURE AID TO MATRIMONY.--Propingpongquity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM "PUNCH'S SYNONYMS."--The Limited Male: a husband.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VERY-MUCH MARRIED MAN.--The "hub" of the universe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Miss Giddie._ "It's awfully sweet of you, Mr.
+Cunius--(_coquettish pause_)--_Impey_, to ask me to marry you. Of
+course, I know you love me; but I hope that people won't say that you
+married me for my money!"
+
+_Mr. Impey Cunius (in a state of utter collapse after an elaborately
+forced proposal)._ "My dear, Miss Giddie--er--_Flossie_, I assure you
+that _I_ shall never mention it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "FOR THE THIRD TIME OF ASKING"
+
+_Aunt Mary._ "You heard the vicar publish the banns between Uncle George
+and Ellen Thompson?"
+
+_Ethel (who has never been present at this ceremony before)._ "Yes--it
+seems rather a shame to tell everybody how often he'd been refused,
+though!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOVE AND COURTSHIP
+
+(_As they appear from certain Answers to Correspondents_)
+
+VANITAS.--You are not bound to tell him. If the bright golden colour of
+your naturally dark hair is due to the excellent preparation recommended
+in another column, and he tells you he does not admire dark girls, why
+not keep on? The bottles are really quite cheap at nineteen and eleven.
+Of course, if it weighs upon your conscience, you might give him a hint,
+but he will probably talk about deceit, and behave in the brutally
+outspoken male manner so many readers complain of.
+
+AMELIA.--Have you not been rather indiscreet? You should never let him
+see you cry before you are married. Afterwards it has its uses.
+
+BLANCHE AMORY.--Cheer up. As you very cleverly put it, history does
+repeat itself. You are now once more in a position to undertake a
+further instalment of _Mes Larmes_. No. We are overstocked with poetry.
+The man, of course, is beneath contempt.
+
+TWO STRINGS.--Your _fiancé_ must be a perfect _Othello_. It is, as you
+justly remark, monstrous that he should object to your cousin seven
+times removed taking you to the theatre once or twice a week. Of course
+he is a relative.
+
+SWEET-AND-TWENTY.--Your remarks about tastes in common are perfectly
+correct. So long as you both collect postcards you will always be able
+to give pleasure to each other at a distance.
+
+BUSINESS GIRL.--If you have found out that he only gave twenty-five
+pounds for your engagement ring, it may be, as you shrewdly observe,
+that he has a contract with the tradesman for a periodical supply of
+such articles. The fact that his income is under a hundred a year makes
+it only the more probable that he would adopt such an arrangement for
+economy's sake. Be very careful.
+
+PITTI-SING.--Your only course is to box his ears. Let us know how you
+get on.
+
+BELLONA.--Sorry to disappoint you, but this is not the place to describe
+the undress uniform of the Grenadier Guards.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: H'M!
+
+_Stern Father._ "What an unearthly hour that young fellow stops till
+every night, Doris. What does your mother say about it?"
+
+_Daughter._ "She says men haven't altered a bit, pa."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BABES IN THE WOOD
+
+_Ernest._ "I see you are getting on, foreman."
+
+_Foreman._ "Yes, sir; we shall have the walls plastered to-morrow."
+
+_Agatha._ "Oh, Ernest, don't let's have plaster! You never see it now;
+everybody has wall-papers, and you can get lovely ones quite cheap!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY NEIGHBOUR
+
+    Next door the summer roses bloom
+      And breathe their hearts out day by day
+    To please a gentle gardener whom
+      'Twere happiness to thus obey:
+    For her each rose a fragrance gives
+      That roses grudge to common labour,
+    And there, next door, among them lives
+                My neighbour.
+
+    I watch her in her garden fair,
+      And think what joy my life would bless
+    Could she and I but wander there,
+      A shepherd and a shepherdess,
+    As blithe as those of ancient myth
+      That danced and sang to pipe and tabor:
+    Who would not thus be happy with
+                My neighbour?
+
+    Blue eyes, and hair of sunny brown,
+      A form of such exceeding grace,
+    And features in whose smile and frown
+      Such tender beauty I can trace
+    That here to sketch her free from flaw
+      Defies the pencil of a Faber,
+    And yet I yearn so much to draw
+                My neighbour!
+
+    I'm keeping one commandment--an
+      Epitome of all the ten--
+    So if I, when my life began,
+      Was born in sin like other men,
+    To innocence that shames the dove,
+      I've mellowed since I was a babe, or
+    How could I so devoutly love
+                My neighbour?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Young Wife._ "Do you find it more economical,
+dear, to do your own cooking?"
+
+_Second Young Wife._ "Oh, certainly. My husband doesn't eat half so much
+as he did!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SNUB CONNUBIAL.--_Loving Wife._ "Charles, dear, I wish you would put
+down that horrid novel and talk to me; I feel so dull; and--oh, Charles!
+my foot's asleep----" _Charles._ "Hush--sh! my dear, you might wake it!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OLDEST AND THE SHORTEST DRAMA IN THE WORLD.--_He._ "Will you?"
+_She._ "Oh! I do not know!" (_Which "know" meant that she said "yes._")
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADVICE TO GIRL GRADUATES
+
+(_After Charles Kingsley--at a respectful distance_)
+
+    Dress well, sweet maid, and let who will be _clever_.
+              Dance, flirt, and sing!
+              Don't study all day long.
+              Or else you'll find,
+              When other girls get married,
+              You'll sing a different song!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAULTS ON BOTH SIDES.--Man and wife are like a pair of scissors, so long
+as they are together, but they become daggers so soon as they are
+disunited.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARTNERSHIP WITHOUT LIMITED LIABILITY.--Marriage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BRUTES!
+
+_Jones._ "Did you ever see a volcano in course of eruption?"
+
+_Smith._ "No--but once I remember I came home very late from the club,
+and my wife----"
+
+  [_They understand one another_
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+READING BETWEEN THE MARRIAGE LINES
+
+(_By a Recent Victim_)
+
+[Illustration: A MAN OF MANY WOES]
+
+One of the first troubles to be faced by the young wife is the
+difficulty of getting servants. It will be found that a cook is almost
+indispensable. Rather than be without one, take time by the forelock
+and, during the engagement, try the following advertisement (one is
+bound to offer additional attractions nowadays):--"Wanted, at once, a
+good plain cook. If necessary, _advertiser would be willing to make her
+a bridesmaid_. Must be able to wear blue."
+
+                     * * *
+
+Or again:--"Newly married couple require cook and parlour maid. _All
+china, glass, &c., in house new and unused and never been broken
+before._"
+
+                     * * *
+
+In taking a house, remember that it is absolutely necessary to have an
+attic--in which to place some of the presents. It is all very well to
+say that they can be put in the servants' hall, but it must not be
+forgotten that it is now very difficult to keep servants, even under the
+most favourable circumstances.
+
+                     * * *
+
+You cannot be too careful in giving instructions for your house
+decoration. "In the dining-room I think I would like a dado," I said one
+day to the paper-man. The paper-man's face turned almost white at the
+suggestion. "You cannot, sir," he said in a hushed voice, "_the dado is
+extinct_." Then he explained that persons of taste have friezes
+nowadays, both in summer and winter.
+
+                     * * *
+
+To avoid a rush at the end, it will be worth the bride's while to write
+out beforehand a large number of letters of thanks for wedding-presents.
+The most handy form is, "DEAR ----, We both thank you so very much for
+your ---- present." When the present arrives you can fill in the missing
+word as circumstances require. On no account leave the blank.
+
+                     * * *
+
+Another happy form is, "DEAR ----, Thank you so much for your charming
+and useful present. Please, what is it for?"
+
+                     * * *
+
+But beware of the following form, as some persons do not take it in the
+way in which it is meant, "DEAR ----, Many thanks for your present. It
+is very good of you to have sent anything."
+
+                     * * *
+
+Nothing looks so solidly generous in the list of presents as the vague
+word, Cheque. Many mean people now send as a present a cheque for
+ten-and-six.
+
+                     * * *
+
+A novelty at wedding-receptions, and very _chic_, is to have in the
+present-room, in place of a detective, a parrot which has been trained
+to cry out every now and then, "Put that back! Put that back!"
+
+                     * * *
+
+Another novelty is to have a stall for the sale of duplicate articles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The custom by which the bridegroom, on the night before the wedding,
+gives a farewell dinner to his bachelor friends is falling into
+desuetude. As a consequence one sees less frequently the
+announcement:--"On the ---- instant, by the Rev. Mr. ----, _assisted by_
+the Rev. Mr. ----, &c."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SPORTING EVENT--A RECORD
+
+SHE WON THE SWEEP!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ILLUMINISM
+
+_The Hon. Muriel._ "Oh yes, I suppose I could get married, if I could
+find a man I simply couldn't live without."
+
+_The Hon. Maude._ "My dear girl, the difficulty is to find a man you can
+live _with!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN LEAP YEAR
+
+_Hopeless Widower._ "Nothing can mend a broken heart."
+
+_Hopeful Widow._ "Except re-pairing."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LAST CONGRATULATION
+
+_Fair Guest (who, having had a desperate flirtation with the bridegroom
+a short time ago, wouldn't be absent from the ceremony on any account)._
+"Well, Algey, it's all over _now_! Aren't you pleased?"
+
+  [_Uncomfortable position of Algey._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAIT FOR AGE.
+
+    _Seventeen._ "_Is_ marriage a failure? I _should_ like to know!"
+      _Seven-and-Twenty._ "My dear, when as long as myself you have
+        tarried,
+    You will not need much demonstration to show
+      That the only true failure is--not getting married!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FEMALE DEFINITION OF LEAP YEAR.--Miss Understood.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PLEASANT PROSPECT
+
+_Miss Kitty Candour (who has just accepted dear Reggie, and is now
+taking him fully into her confidence)._ "I must tell you, Reggie dear,
+that the great fault of my character is that after I have taken any
+resolution--it doesn't matter what it may be--I always bitterly repent
+it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EVOLUTION
+
+    She sketched a husband strong and brave
+    On whom her heart might lean;
+    None but a hero would she have--
+    This girl of 17.
+
+    Her fancy subsequently turned
+    From deeds of derring do;
+    For brainy intercourse she yearned
+    When she was 22.
+
+    The years sped on, ambition taught
+    A worldly-wise design;
+    A man of wealth was what she sought
+    When she was 29.
+
+    But Time has modified her plan;
+    Weak, imbecile, or poor--
+    She's simply looking for a _man_
+    Now she is 34.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR VILLAGE INDUSTRIAL COMPETITION.--_Husband (just home from the
+City)._ "My angel!--crying!--whatever's the matter?" _Wife._
+"They've--awarded me--prize medal"--_(sobbing)_--"f' my sponge cake!"
+_Husband (soothingly)._ "And I'm quite sure it deserv----" _Wife
+(hysterically)._ "Oh--but--'t said--'twas--for the best specimen--o'
+concrete!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "FOR THIS RELIEF----?"
+
+"I'm sorry to hear your wife is suffering from her throat. I hope it's
+nothing serious?"
+
+"No, I don't think so. The doctor's forbidden her to talk much. It'll
+trouble her a good deal, I expect, and she won't be herself for some
+time."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ENGAGEMENT
+
+(_A Page from a Diary_)
+
+_Monday._--Delightful news! My sister Nellie is engaged to be married!
+It came upon us all as a great surprise. I never had the slightest
+suspicion that Nellie cared twopence about old Goodbody St. Leger. He is
+such a staid, solemn old party, a regular fossilised bachelor we all
+thought. Not at all the sort of man to give way to emotions or to be in
+love. However, it's a capital match for Nellie as St. Leger's firm are
+about the largest accountants in the city. My wife thinks it will be a
+good thing in another way, too, as my other six sisters may now have a
+chance of going off. It seems that when once this kind of epidemic gets
+into a family, all the unmarried sisters go popping off like blazes one
+after another. Called with my wife this afternoon to congratulate
+Nellie. Rather a trial for the poor girl, as all sorts of female
+relatives had called full of enthusiasm and congratulations. Goodbody
+was there (Nellie calls him "Goodie") and seemed rather overwhelmed.
+
+He went away early and didn't kiss Nellie. I thought this funny, and
+chaffed Nellie about it afterwards. She said she'd soon make that all
+right.
+
+_Tuesday._--Goodbody is getting on. We had a family dinner at home
+to-night. He came rather late and entered the drawing-room with an air
+of great determination, marched straight up to Nellie and kissed her
+violently. It was splendidly done and we all felt inclined to cheer. He
+kissed her again when he went away, and lingered so long in saying
+good-night to my mother that we all thought he was going to kiss her
+too. But he didn't. My wife said that the suspense of those moments was
+dreadful.
+
+_Wednesday._--He has kissed my mother--on both cheeks. I must say the
+old lady took it extraordinarily well, though she was not in the very
+least prepared for it. It happened at five o'clock tea, in an interval
+of complete silence, and those two sounding smacks simply reverberated
+through the room. Mother was quite cheerful afterwards, and spoke to
+Nellie about the trousseau in her usual calm and collected frame of
+mind. Still I can see that the incident has made a deep impression upon
+her. My wife told Maggie it would be her turn next.
+
+_Thursday._--It _has_ been Maggie's turn. Goodbody called at home on his
+way from the City, and set to work as soon as he got into the
+drawing-room. He first kissed Nellie, then repeated the performance with
+my poor mother, and, finding that Maggie was close behind him, he kissed
+her on the forehead. Where will this end?
+
+_Friday._--He has regularly broken loose. He dined at home to-day, and,
+without a word of warning, kissed the whole family--my mother, Nellie,
+Maggie, Alice, Mabel, Polly, Maud, and little Beta. He quite forgot he
+had begun with my mother, and, after he had kissed Beta, got confused,
+and began all over again. At this moment my wife and I came in with Aunt
+Catherine, whom we had brought in our carriage. Both my wife and Aunt
+Catherine tried to escape, but it was no good. He kissed them both, and
+was just advancing towards me, when the butler fortunately announced
+dinner. Matters are getting quite desperate, and we none of us know what
+ought to be done. Aunt Catherine had a violent fit of hysterics in the
+spare bedroom after dinner.
+
+_Saturday._--The engagement is broken off. A great relief. It has been a
+lesson for all of us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RETORT DISCOURTEOUS
+
+_She._ "Ah, it was very different before we were married. Then my word
+was _law!_"
+
+_He._ "And a very vulgar word, too, my dear."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SO CONVENIENT!
+
+_Young Wife._ "Where are you going, Reggie dear?"
+
+_Reggie Dear._ "Only to the club, my darling."
+
+_Young Wife._ "Oh, I don't mind that, because there's a telephone there,
+and I can talk to you through it, can't I?"
+
+_Reggie Dear._ "Y-yes--but--er--you know, the confounded wires are
+always getting out of order!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PAST AND PRESENT
+
+_Serious and much-Married Man._ "My dear friend, I _was_ astonished to
+hear of _your_ dining at Madame Troisétoiles!--a 'woman with a past,'
+you know!"
+
+_The Friend (bachelor "unattached")._ "Well, you see, old man, she's got
+a first-rate _chef_, so it isn't her 'past,' but her 're-past' that _I_
+care about."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Good-bye, Alfred darling. You _have_ cheered me up. If I
+get lonely and depressed again, I'll just look at your dear
+photo--that's sure to make me laugh, and laugh, and laugh!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_She._ "I told you that your old aunt had a will of her own."
+
+_He (tired of waiting)._ "I know she has. I only wish she'd enable us to
+probate it!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "That's Mrs. Fitz-Jones. You never see her without her
+husband and her Dachshund."
+
+"Well, they make a very good pair."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A FAIR AVERAGE
+
+_Visitor._ "Lady Evelyn tells me, Dan'l, that you have had four wives."
+
+_Dan'l (proudly)._ "Ess, zur, I 'ave--an' what's more, _two of 'em was
+good 'uns!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Adolphus (penitently)._ "So sorry, dearest, that I was
+angry with you yesterday evening, and lost my temper."
+
+_Olivia._ "Pray don't mention it, Dolly. It wasn't a very good one, and
+I'm sure you can easily find a better."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DROP BY DROP
+
+_Nine Stages of a Love Story_
+
+    First place, I dropped my eye on her,
+      And she dropped hers, so blushfully!
+    Then I "dropped in,"--her sire sold fur,--
+      Then "dropped a line," most gushfully.
+    I dropped a deal of ready cash
+      On her and her relations,
+    Then dropped some hints--that course proved rash--
+      About her "expectations."
+    She dropped on me, daring to ask
+      _Such_ questions. Here I stopped her.
+    Her--bankrupt--sire then dropped the mask,
+          And I--well then, I dropped her!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEFINITIONS.--Mater: One who finds _mates_ for her daughters. Check
+Mate: A husband with money.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE MISSIS" WOULD OBLIGE
+
+_Philanthropist._ "I'm sorry to see you in this condition, Parker. I'm
+afraid you'll miss the lecture to-night."
+
+_Parker._ "Oh no, I shan't. I'm goin'--shtraightome."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A YOUNG HUSBAND'S LAMENT
+
+    Oh, I am weary, weary,
+      Of that pretty pinky face,
+    Of the blank of its no meaning,
+      The gush of its grimace.
+
+    And I am weary, weary,
+      Of her silly, simpering ways,
+    Bugles, buckles, buttons, spangles,
+      Tight tiebacks, tighter stays.
+
+    And I am weary, weary,
+      Of that hollow little laugh,
+    Of the slang that stands for humour,
+      Of the chatter and the chaff.
+
+    Sick of the inch-deep feeling
+      Of that hollow little heart,
+    Its "too lovely" latest fashions,
+      Its "too exquisite" high Art.
+
+    Its Church high, higher, highest,
+      Their curates and their clothes,
+    Their intonings, genuflections,
+      Masqueradings, mops and mows.
+
+    But I must curb my temper,
+      Grumbling helps not wedlock's ills.
+    Fashion, High Church, or Æsthetics,
+      Let me grin and pay the bills!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOREWARNED
+
+_Claude Merridew, leaderette-writer, reviewer, &c. (sentimentally)._
+"Whenever I think of Althæa, Miss Vansittart I mean, I am irresistibly
+reminded of those matchless words of Steele's--'To love her was a
+liberal education.'"
+
+_Algy (following the idea with difficulty)._ "That's all right, old man,
+that's all right, 'course I know a lot of you writin' chaps are like
+that, but I think I ought to tell you that her father is one of the head
+johnnies in the Primrose League."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EDUCATION OF HUSBANDS
+
+How suggestive is the new year of bills; and bills of housekeeping. It
+is fearful to reflect how many persons rush into matrimony, totally
+unprepared for the awful change that awaits them. A man may take a wife
+at twenty-one, before he knows the difference between a chip and a
+Leghorn! We would no more grant a marriage licence to anybody simply
+because he is of age, than a licence, on that ground only, to practise
+as an apothecary. Husbands ought to be educated. We should like to have
+the following questions put to young and inexperienced "Persons about
+to Marry:"--
+
+Are you aware, sir, of the price of coals and candles?
+
+Do you know which is more economical, the aitch-bone, or the round?
+
+How far, young man, will a leg of mutton go in a small family?
+
+How much dearer, now, is silver than Britannia?
+
+Please to give the average price of a four-poster.
+
+Declare, if you can, rash youth, the sum, per annum, that chemisettes,
+pelerines, cardinals, bonnets, veils, caps, ribbons, flowers, gloves,
+cuffs, and collars, would probably come to in the lump.
+
+If unable to answer these inquiries, we would say to him, "Go back to
+school."
+
+He that would be a husband should also undergo a training, physical and
+moral. He should be further examined thus:--
+
+Can you read or write amid the yells of a nursery?
+
+Can you wait any given time for breakfast?
+
+Can you maintain your serenity during a washing-day?
+
+Can you cut your old friends?
+
+Can you stand being contradicted in the face of all reason?
+
+Can you keep your temper when you are not listened to?
+
+Can you do what you are told without being told why?
+
+In a word, young sir, have you the patience of Job?
+
+If you can lay your hand upon your heart and answer "Yes," take your
+licence and marry--not else.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO POLICEMEN ABOUT TO MARRY.--When you are about to marry, visit as many
+cooks as you can, so as to give you the widest possible area for your
+choice. Avoid housemaids, whose occupation does not admit of the
+accumulation of much dust to come down with; and remember that there is
+nothing like kitchen-stuff for greasing the wheel of fortune. When
+married, a policeman will be justified in living above his station--if
+he can get a room there for nothing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LINES TO MY LADY-LOVE
+
+(_By a Commonplace Person_)
+
+    To thee, were I a humble bee,
+      I'd hourly wing my honeyed flight;
+    To thee, were I a ship at sea,
+      I'd sail, tho' land were in my sight:
+    To thee, were I a pussy cat,
+      I'd spring, as tho' 'twere on a rat!
+
+    To thee, were I a stickleback
+      I'd swim as fast as fins could move;
+    To thee, were I a hunter's hack,
+      I'd gallop on the hoofs of love:
+    But as I'm but a simple man,
+      I'll come by train, love--if I can!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _He._ "Are you still living at the same address in town,
+Mrs. Jones?"
+
+_She._ "Yes. But since I've become a widow, I've been looking for
+another flat!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Miss Short._ "Isn't my name an absurd misfit, Mr. Long?"
+
+_Mr. Long (thoughtlessly)._ "Yes, rather. If you could have mine it
+would be all right, wouldn't it?"
+
+_Miss Short._ "Oh, Mr. Long, this is so sudden!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ALTERNATIVE
+
+_The Doctor._ "Well, Mrs. Barnes, I must offer you my congratulations. I
+hear you've married again. And have you given up your occupation of
+washing?"
+
+_Mrs. Barnes._ "Oh, no, sir. But, you see, if I 'adn't taken '_e_, I'd
+'a' 'ad to 'a' bought a donkey!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Now, George dear, it's your first birthday in the new
+century. What good resolutions are you going to make?"
+
+"Well, for one thing, I intend to be much more regular in my habits."
+
+"Why not _give them all up_, dear?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FAMILY CARES
+
+_First Excursionist._ "Int'restin' ruins these, sir."
+
+_Second Ditto (the bread-winner)._ "'Mye-es. 'Don't care for ruins
+m'self though." (_Pointing to his olive branches in the background._)
+"Them's ruin enough for me?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHOM NOT TO MARRY:
+
+_Or, Diogenes the Younger_
+
+_The Lady with a Mission._--She will fill your house with parsons or
+professors, lecture you on her pet hobby when she can get no other
+audience (which will be pretty often), consider all your old friends
+frivolous, and treat you with supreme contempt if you venture to hint
+that you like your dinner punctually, and properly cooked.
+
+_The Lady of Fashion._--She will regard you as an appendage, a
+cheque-drawing animal, a useful purveyor of equipages and dresses and
+diamonds and lace, a person to be ignored as much as possible in
+Society.
+
+_The Millionaire's Daughter._--She will persistently make you aware that
+it is _her_ house you live in, _her_ carriage you drive, that the
+servants are _hers_, the dinners _hers_--that, in fact, she has bought
+you, and given for you much more than you are really worth.
+
+_The Pious-Parochial Lady._--She will devote all her time to the
+distribution of tracts, the inspection of cottages, the collection of
+gossip, and interviews with the curate. Each curate will be a more
+"blessed" man than his predecessor, especially if he have the shifty
+eyes, aggressive teeth, narrow forehead, and shambling knees which
+modern curatism has developed.
+
+_The Female Novelist._ She will sit up all night writing improprieties,
+and pass all day in town, worrying publishers, who are at present sad
+victims of the irrepressible petticoat.
+
+_The Horsey Woman._ She will laugh at you as a muff if you don't ride
+across country, buy "screws" from her particular friends that you will
+have to sell for as many tens as she gave hundreds, and cost you a
+fortune in doctors' bills by breaking her collar-bone at least once
+every season.
+
+_The Gushing Female._ She will devour you with kisses, to the injury of
+your shirt-front, or weep on your bosom, with much the same result. To
+her either is equally delightful.
+
+_The Widow._ Diogenes pauses. The theme is too great for him. _Vide Mr.
+Weller, sen._, in _Pickwick, passim._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRITE BUT TRUE
+
+    "Music's the food of love" they say,
+      This is a passage every one now quotes;
+    The truth is clear, for in the present day,
+      Young love is fed entirely _on notes._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"OUR FAILURES."--_Husband._ "I say, Lizzie, what on earth did you make
+this mint-sauce of?"
+
+_Young Wife (who has been "helping" Cook)._ "Parsley, to be sure!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: APPEARANCES ARE DECEPTIVE
+
+_He._ "Who's that?"
+
+_She._ "Jack Anstruther and his bride. He married ever so much beneath
+him."
+
+_He._ "Doesn't look like it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BREAKING THE NEWS
+
+_Newly Affianced One._ "May I be your new mamma, Tommy?"
+
+_Tommy._ "_I_ should like it, but you must ask papa."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER
+
+_She._ "But if you say you can't bear the girl, why _ever_ did you
+propose?"
+
+_He._ "Well, her people have always been awfully good to me, and it's
+the only way I could return their hospitality."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Ethel._ "Well, Jimmy didn't blow his brains out after
+all because you refused him. He proposed to Miss Golightly yesterday."
+
+_Maud._ "Did he? Then he must have got rid of them in some other way!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADVICE TO MATCH-MAKING MAMMAS.--The first and only thing requisite is
+simply, as Mrs. Glass very wisely says, "First catch your heir."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HAPPY HOLIDAY.--_The Bachelor._ "So you're looking after the house
+while your wife is taking a holiday? I hope she's enjoying the change?"
+
+_The Benedict._ "I know _I_ am."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CREATURE COMFORTS."--Good wives.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO CURE AN IMPRUDENT ATTACHMENT.--_Materfamilias._ "What _is_ to be
+done, my dear? He positively _dotes_ on her!" _Paterfamilias._ "Well, we
+must try to find him an _antidote_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DIVORCE.--A matrimonial ticket-of-leave.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DESIRE OF PLEASING.--"May I be married, ma?" said a lovely girl of
+fifteen to her mother the other morning. "Married!" exclaimed the
+astonished matron, "what put such an idea into your head?" "Little
+Emily, here, has never seen a wedding; and I'd like to amuse the child,"
+replied the obliging sister, with fascinating _naïveté_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WOMAN'S WILL.--Won't!!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I dunno what 'er misshus 'll shay--but any'ow 'm nor
+goin' to preten I'm shober"--(_hic_).]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CONTRADICTION IN TERMS.--Man and wife.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AUTOMATIC COUPLINGS.--Scotch marriages.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FAMILY HERALD.--A monthly nurse.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WORST RESULT OF VIVISECTION.--Eve.
+
+(_By an incorrigible Old Bachelor, who is hiding himself for fear of
+consequences._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FINIS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRADBURY. AGNEW & CO. LD. PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Book of Love, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42400 ***