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@@ -1,34 +1,4 @@ -Project Gutenberg's Quips and Quiddities, by William Davenport Adams - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Quips and Quiddities - A Quintessence of Quirks Quaint, Quizzical and Quotable - -Author: William Davenport Adams - -Release Date: December 27, 2012 [EBook #41713] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES *** - - - - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Eric Skeet and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41713 *** Transcriber's Notes: @@ -118,7 +88,7 @@ DE SALAMANCA. LATTER-DAY LYRICS. Edited by W. DAVENPORT ADAMS. -BALZAC'S COMEDIE HUMAINE AND ITS AUTHOR. +BALZAC'S COMÉDIE HUMAINE AND ITS AUTHOR. With Translations by H. H. WALKER. _Other Volumes are in preparation._ @@ -176,7 +146,7 @@ poem, over essay and novel, over maxim and epigram, over memoir and diary. There is pun, and there is parody; there is satire, and there is sarcasm. In a word, the little book may say, with -Lafontaine, "Diversite c'est ma devise." There is +Lafontaine, "Diversité c'est ma devise." There is diversity even in the arrangement, which consists merely of a general alternation of the prose and verse. For the rest, the quips and quiddities are @@ -501,7 +471,7 @@ W.D.A. And having then the habit got Of passing liquor down his throat, He keeps it still, and shows full well - That Man--was--once----a leather bottel. + That Man--was--once----a leather bottèl. LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. @@ -537,7 +507,7 @@ W.D.A. Abbot; "but where are you going to?" "_I haven't made up my mind._" - J. R. PLANCHE, _Recollections_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. _BLUE STOCKINGS._ @@ -581,7 +551,7 @@ W.D.A. car, drawn by the famous bronze Venetian horses. Talleyrand asked him, "_Qui avez vous l'intention de mettre dans le char?_" The answer was, "_L'Empereur - Napoleon, comme de raison_." Upon which Talleyrand + Napoléon, comme de raison_." Upon which Talleyrand said, "_Le char l'attend_." GRONOW, _Recollections_. @@ -611,7 +581,7 @@ W.D.A. And "poor Mrs. Gaskell--how sad!" "Like Browning?" "But so-so." His proof lay Too deep for her frivolous mood, - That preferred your mere metrical _souffle_ + That preferred your mere metrical _soufflé_ To the stronger poetical food; Yet at times he was good--"as a tonic:" Was Tennyson writing just now? @@ -678,7 +648,7 @@ W.D.A. _Lord Froth_, in CONGREVE's _Double Dealer_. - Celebrite--l'avantage d'etre connu de ceux que + Célébrité--l'avantage d'être connu de ceux que vous ne connaissez pas. CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. @@ -689,7 +659,7 @@ W.D.A. Still on some minute allowance finding collars, boots, and gloves, Still to cousinly flirtations limiting her list of loves, Still by stern domestic edict charged on no account to read - Any of Miss Bronte's novels, or to finish _Adam Bede_. + Any of Miss Brontë's novels, or to finish _Adam Bede_. _First Lady_, in TREVELYAN's _Ladies in Parliament_. @@ -835,7 +805,7 @@ W.D.A. Which would shortly unfit them for wearing our shoes, Which nobody can deny. - Their vertebrae next might be taken away, + Their vertebræ next might be taken away, When they'd sink to an oyster, or insect, some day, Or the pitiful part of a polypus play, Which nobody can deny. @@ -905,7 +875,7 @@ W.D.A. Knowles, "I beg you ten thousand pardons: I took you for your _namesake_, T. P. Cooke!" - J. R. PLANCHE, _Recollections_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. _A PRACTICAL ANSWER._ @@ -946,9 +916,9 @@ W.D.A. ANDREW LANG, _Ballades in Blue China_. - On ne loue d'ordinaire que pour etre loue. + On ne loue d'ordinaire que pour être loué. - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Reflexions_. + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. Would you adopt a strong logical attitude, @@ -1049,7 +1019,7 @@ W.D.A. Tomkins will clear the land, they say, From every foul abuse; So chimneys in the olden time - Were cleansed by a goose. + Were cleansèd by a goose. JAMES HANNAY, _Sketches and Characters_. @@ -1074,7 +1044,7 @@ W.D.A. not know what is a sound divine," quoting Pope-- "'Dulness is sacred in a sound divine.'" "But I do," said Donaldson. "It is a divine who is - _vox et praeterea nihil_." + _vox et præterea nihil_." CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. @@ -1179,7 +1149,7 @@ W.D.A. Who knows if what Adam might speak Was mono- or poly-syllabic; Was Gothic, or Gaelic, or Greek, - Tartaric, Chinese, or Arabic? + Tartà ric, Chinese, or Arà bic? It may have been Sanskrit or Zend-- It must have been something or other; But thus far I'll stoutly contend,-- @@ -1213,7 +1183,7 @@ W.D.A. C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - The Duke of Rutland, at one of his levees, + The Duke of Rutland, at one of his levées, being at a loss for something to say to every person he was bound in etiquette to notice, remarked to Sir John Hamilton that there was a prospect @@ -1240,10 +1210,10 @@ W.D.A. LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - Le monde recompense plus souvent les apparances - du merite que le merite meme. + Le monde récompense plus souvent les apparances + du mérite que le mérite même. - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Reflexions_. + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. Curran told an anecdote of an Irish parliament @@ -1275,7 +1245,7 @@ W.D.A. Rogers." Maltby, still looking at the pictures, "And was it?" - ROGERS, _apud_ J. R. PLANCHE. + ROGERS, _apud_ J. R. PLANCHÉ. No one likes to be disturbed at meals @@ -1341,7 +1311,7 @@ W.D.A. L'art de plaire est l'art de tromper. - VAUVENARGUES, _Reflexions_. + VAUVENARGUES, _Réflexions_. We don't marry beggars, said she: why, no: @@ -1403,7 +1373,7 @@ W.D.A. _Macmillan's Magazine._ - Ah! who has seen the mailed lobster rise, + Ah! who has seen the mailèd lobster rise, Clap her broad wings, and, soaring, claim the skies? When did the owl, descending from her bower, Crop, 'midst the fleecy flocks, the tender flower; @@ -1419,11 +1389,11 @@ W.D.A. Une femme d'esprit m'a dit un jour un mot qui - pourrait bien etre le secret de son sexe; c'est + pourrait bien être le secret de son sexe; c'est que toute femme, en prenant un amant, tient - plus de compte de la maniere dont les autres femmes - voient cet homme que de la maniere dont elle le voit - elle-meme. + plus de compte de la manière dont les autres femmes + voient cet homme que de la manière dont elle le voit + elle-même. CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. @@ -1571,13 +1541,13 @@ W.D.A. Nul n'est content de sa fortune - Ni mecontent de son esprit. + Ni mécontent de son esprit. - MADAME DESHOULIERES, _Reflexions_. + MADAME DESHOULIÈRES, _Réflexions_. In courtship suppose you can't sing - Your Cara, your Liebe, your Zoe, + Your Cara, your Liebe, your Zoë, A kiss and a sight of the ring Will more quickly prevail with your Chloe. @@ -1697,7 +1667,7 @@ W.D.A. The prospect's always fine in the Prospectus! - J. R. PLANCHE, _Songs and Poems_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. Animals are such agreeable friends--they ask no @@ -2065,11 +2035,11 @@ W.D.A. When the question arose how the title of Herold's - charming opera, "Le Pre aux Clercs," should be + charming opera, "Le Pré aux Clercs," should be rendered into English, [Beazley] quietly suggested "Parson's Green." - J. R. PLANCHE, _Recollections_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. When I left the man in gaiters, @@ -2218,8 +2188,8 @@ W.D.A. W. M. THACKERAY. - L'amour est comme les maladies epidemiques; - plus on les craint, plus on y est expose. + L'amour est comme les maladies épidémiques; + plus on les craint, plus on y est exposé. CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. @@ -2377,7 +2347,7 @@ W.D.A. que nous avons fait, qu'une crainte de celui qui nous en peut arriver. - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Reflexions_. + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. _ON AN INANIMATE ACTRESS._ @@ -2566,7 +2536,7 @@ W.D.A. called it making a new "Gradus ad Parnassum," because it was steps for the _muses_. - J. R. PLANCHE, _Recollections_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. I cannot clear the five-bar gate, @@ -2577,9 +2547,9 @@ W.D.A. WALTER SAVAGE LANDOR. - La constance est la chimere de l'amour. + La constance est la chimère de l'amour. - VAUVENARGUES, _Reflexions_. + VAUVENARGUES, _Réflexions_. _ON AN INTEMPERATE HUSBAND._ @@ -2832,7 +2802,7 @@ W.D.A. Marriage is a desperate thing. The frogs in - AEsop were extreme wise; they had a great mind + Æsop were extreme wise; they had a great mind to some water, but they would not leap into the well, because they could not get out again. @@ -2933,10 +2903,10 @@ W.D.A. the beautiful and graceful dancer, in the course of conversation with this gentleman, asked him in what part of the theatre he was placed; upon which he - replied, "Mademoiselle, _dans un loge roti_," instead of - "_grille_." The lady could not understand what he meant, + replied, "Mademoiselle, _dans un loge róti_," instead of + "_grillé_." The lady could not understand what he meant, until his introducer explained the mistake, observing, - "_Ces diables d'Anglais pensent toujours a leur Rosbif_." + "_Ces diables d'Anglais pensent toujours à leur Rosbif_." GRONOW, _Recollections_. @@ -2987,7 +2957,7 @@ W.D.A. Unless something's done to cure it, 'Twill cure _us_ like so many hams. - J. R. PLANCHE, _Songs and Poems_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. A kind Providence furnishes the limpest personality @@ -3003,7 +2973,7 @@ W.D.A. _Baradas_, in LORD LYTTON's _Richelieu_. - At a musical _soiree_ in Paris, a lady, possessing a + At a musical _soirée_ in Paris, a lady, possessing a magnificent soprano voice and remarkable facility of execution, sang the great Maestro's well-known aria, "Una Voce," with great effect, but overladen @@ -3013,7 +2983,7 @@ W.D.A. his encomiums with the cruel inquiry: "Mais de qui est la musique?" - J. R. PLANCHE, _Recollections_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. _ON A BAD SINGER._ @@ -3104,8 +3074,8 @@ W.D.A. H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Puck on Pegasus_. - L'hymen vient apres l'amour, comme la fumee - apres la flamme. + L'hymen vient après l'amour, comme la fumée + après la flamme. CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. @@ -3360,7 +3330,7 @@ W.D.A. Rossini raised his eyes to the abused ceiling, and simply ejaculated, "Heureux plafond!" - J. R. PLANCHE, _Recollections_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. If, sick of home and luxuries, @@ -3392,7 +3362,7 @@ W.D.A. Dey vented to de Voman's Righds, Vere laties all agrees, De gals should pe de voters, - And deir beaux all de votees. + And deir beaux all de votées. "For efery man dat nefer vorks, Von frau should vranchised pe: Dat ish de vay I solf dis ding," @@ -3431,7 +3401,7 @@ W.D.A. H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Pegasus Resaddled_. - _Rene._ Qu'est ce que c'est donc que les affaires, + _René._ Qu'est ce que c'est donc que les affaires, Monsieur Giraud? _Giraud._ Les affaires? c'est bien simple; c'est l'argent des autres. @@ -3439,9 +3409,9 @@ W.D.A. DUMAS fils, _La Question d'Argent_. - Tous les mechants sont buveurs d'eau. + Tous les méchants sont buveurs d'eau. - COMTE DE SEGUR. + COMTE DE SÉGUR. Miss Pellingle commences "Rousseau's @@ -3548,7 +3518,7 @@ W.D.A. ANON. - At a fete at Hatfield House, _tableaux vivants_ were + At a fête at Hatfield House, _tableaux vivants_ were among the chief amusements, and scenes from _Ivanhoe_ were among the selections. All the parts were filled up but that of _Isaac of York_. Lady @@ -3633,7 +3603,7 @@ W.D.A. Nous avons tous assez de force pour supporter les maux d'autrui. - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Reflexions_. + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. Rogers happened to ask Macaulay what he @@ -3741,9 +3711,9 @@ W.D.A. Si les hommes ne se flattaient pas les uns les autres, - il n'y aurait guere de societe. + il n'y aurait guère de société. - VAUVENARGUES, _Reflexions_. + VAUVENARGUES, _Réflexions_. The gravest aversion exists among bears @@ -3855,7 +3825,7 @@ W.D.A. J. T. FIELDS, _Yesterdays with Authors_. - L'amour plait plus que le mariage, par la + L'amour plaît plus que le mariage, par la raison que les romans sont plus amusants que l'histoire. @@ -3958,7 +3928,7 @@ W.D.A. am, sir," answered the driver; "what's all the world to a man when his wife's a widdy?" - J. R. PLANCHE, _Recollections_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. ---- has nothing truly human about him; he can't @@ -3993,10 +3963,10 @@ W.D.A. HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - On aime mieux dire du mal de soi-meme que de + On aime mieux dire du mal de soi-même que de n'en point parler. - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Reflexions_. + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. And I said, "Why is this thus? What is the reason @@ -4056,8 +4026,8 @@ W.D.A. LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - _Quam parva sapientia regitur mundus._ Say rather, - _quam magna stultitia_. + _Quam parvâ sapientiâ regitur mundus._ Say rather, + _quam magnâ stultitiâ_. CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. @@ -4114,10 +4084,10 @@ W.D.A. R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_. - Nous aimons mieux voir ceux a qui nous faisons + Nous aimons mieux voir ceux à qui nous faisons du bien que ceux qui nous en font. - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Reflexions_. + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. _ALL SAINTS'_. @@ -4200,7 +4170,7 @@ W.D.A. Some sanguine people love for life, Some love their hobby till it flings them.-- How many love a pretty wife - For love of the _eclat_ she brings them! + For love of the _éclat_ she brings them! FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. @@ -4240,7 +4210,7 @@ W.D.A. when, with a deep sigh, he added-- "----and you'll _believe_ them all!" - J. R. PLANCHE, _Recollections_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. _THE MAIDENS._ @@ -4474,10 +4444,10 @@ W.D.A. SYDNEY SMITH, _Life and Letters_. - Ce qui nous empeche souvent de nous abandonner - a un seul vice est que nous en avons plusieurs. + Ce qui nous empêche souvent de nous abandonner + à un seul vice est que nous en avons plusieurs. - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Reflexions_. + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. I have observed that if people's vanity is pleased, @@ -4531,7 +4501,7 @@ W.D.A. Reading the paper Laura sat, "Greenwich _mean_ time, mamma, what's that?" "My love, it's when your stingy Pa - Won't take us to the Trafalgar." + Won't take us to the Trafalgà r." SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. @@ -4577,7 +4547,7 @@ W.D.A. my old friend said, "Mr. Hook, you see your dinner." "Thank you, ma'am," said I; "but where is yours?" - THEODORE HOOK, _apud_ PLANCHE. + THEODORE HOOK, _apud_ PLANCHÉ. In all distresses of our friends, @@ -4588,9 +4558,9 @@ W.D.A. SWIFT, _Verses on his own Death_. - On ne donne rien si liberalement que ses conseils. + On ne donne rien si libéralement que ses conseils. - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Reflexions._ + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions._ _A NUTSHELL NOVEL._ @@ -4634,9 +4604,9 @@ W.D.A. LORD LYTTON, _What will he do with it?_ - La societe est composee de deux grandes classes: - ceux qui ont plus de diners que d'appetit, et - ceux qui ont plus d'appetit que de diners. + La société est composée de deux grandes classes: + ceux qui ont plus de dîners que d'appétit, et + ceux qui ont plus d'appétit que de dîners. CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. @@ -4759,9 +4729,9 @@ W.D.A. La haine des faibles n'est pas si dangereuse que - leur amitie. + leur amitié. - VAUVENARGUES, _Reflexions_. + VAUVENARGUES, _Réflexions_. To Matthew Arnold we must go to put us in the right, sir, @@ -4781,7 +4751,7 @@ W.D.A. When sorely tempted to purloin - Your _pieta_ of Marc Antoine, + Your _pietà _ of Marc Antoine, Fair virtue doth fair play enjoin, Fair Virtuoso! @@ -4950,9 +4920,9 @@ W.D.A. who were without their gowns, or out of bounds, or out of hours. He challenged one: "Your name and college?" They were given. Turning to the other: "And - pray, sir, what might your name be?" "Julius Caesar," + pray, sir, what might your name be?" "Julius Cæsar," was the reply. "What, sir, do you mean to say your - name is Julius Caesar?" "Sir, you did not ask me what + name is Julius Cæsar?" "Sir, you did not ask me what it is, but what it _might_ be." W. H. HARRISON, _Reminiscences_. @@ -5130,7 +5100,7 @@ W.D.A. would have been," he answered, "if damned custom had not _brazed_ it so." - J. R. PLANCHE, _Recollections_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. While spending an evening at [Mendelssohn's] @@ -5181,8 +5151,8 @@ W.D.A. HICKS, _apud_ J. C. YOUNG. - La vertu des femmes est peut-etre une question du - temperament. + La vertu des femmes est peut-être une question du + tempérament. BALZAC, _Physiologie du Mariage_. @@ -5263,7 +5233,7 @@ W.D.A. Wash with soda, till their hair Looks like maize; 'Tis the fashion to be blonde - _A la mode du demi-monde_ + _À la mode du demi-monde_ Now-a-days. J. JEMMETT BROWNE, _Songs of Many Seasons_. @@ -5387,7 +5357,7 @@ W.D.A. LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - Quiconque n'a pas de caractere n'est pas un + Quiconque n'a pas de caractère n'est pas un homme: c'est une chose. CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. @@ -5551,7 +5521,7 @@ W.D.A. _THE MAIDENS._ Lovers, we pray you, gaining our consents, - Let us, too, have _our_ mediaeval bents; + Let us, too, have _our_ mediæval bents; Give us, for cricket matches, tournaments. @@ -5580,7 +5550,7 @@ W.D.A. dear fellow," retorted the wit; "it is the last chapter of Samuel." - J. R. PLANCHE, _Recollections_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. No one can perceive, as I'm a sinner, @@ -5689,10 +5659,10 @@ W.D.A. _The Shotover Papers._ - On fait souvent du bien pour pouvoir impunement + On fait souvent du bien pour pouvoir impunément faire du mal. - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Reflexions_. + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. There's a joy without canker or cark, @@ -5788,11 +5758,11 @@ W.D.A. Si c'est un crime de l'aimer, - On n'en doit justement blamer - Que les beautes qui sont en elle; + On n'en doit justement blâmer + Que les beautés qui sont en elle; La faute en est au dieux Qui la firent si belle, - Et non pas a mes yeux. + Et non pas à mes yeux. JEAN DE LINGENDES. @@ -5867,7 +5837,7 @@ W.D.A. To the abbreviated skirt, Whose velvet _paniers_ just denote The gown, that else were petticoat. - Nor is such _naive_ attire enough: + Nor is such _naïve_ attire enough: Elizabeth's archaic ruff Rings every neck; besides, they rival, With a High-Gothic-Hat-Revival, @@ -5927,7 +5897,7 @@ W.D.A. looked up at him compassionately, and said, "My dear sir! I'm afraid your religion doesn't agree with you." - J. R. PLANCHE, _Recollections_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. _ON GRAPES AND GRIPES._ @@ -6005,7 +5975,7 @@ W.D.A. The Regent, hearing what was said, Raised from his couch his aching head, And cried, "No, Halford, 'tis not so! - _Cure us, O_ doctor,--_Curacoa!_" + _Cure us, O_ doctor,--_Curaçoa!_" H. LUTTRELL, _apud_ BARHAM. @@ -6127,17 +6097,17 @@ W.D.A. C. J. CAYLEY, _Las Alforgas_. - Tout le monde se plaint de sa memoire, et + Tout le monde se plaint de sa mémoire, et personne ne se plaint de son jugement. - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Reflexions_. + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. _ON THE HOUSE OF COMMONS_. When lately Pym descended into Hell, - Ere he the cups of Lethe did carouse, - What place that was, he called loud to tell; + Ere he the cups of Lethè did carouse, + What place that was, he callèd loud to tell; To whom a Devil--"This is the Lower House." WILLIAM DRUMMOND (1585-1649). @@ -6177,7 +6147,7 @@ W.D.A. find any stuffing in a roasted leg of pork, Poole quietly suggested, "Perhaps it is in the other leg?" - J. R. PLANCHE, _Recollections_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. In 1848, Feargus O'Connor was charged in the @@ -6237,7 +6207,7 @@ W.D.A. ANNA C. STEELE. - La plus perdue de toutes les journees est celle ou + La plus perdue de toutes les journées est celle où l'on n'a pas ri. CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. @@ -6398,7 +6368,7 @@ W.D.A. It being asked at Paris whom they would have as godfather for Rothschild's baby--"Talleyrand," said a Frenchman. "Pourquoi, monsieur?" - "Parcequ'il est le moins chretien possible." + "Parcequ'il est le moins chrétien possible." B. R. HAYDON, _Diary_. @@ -6418,8 +6388,8 @@ W.D.A. Emile de Girardin, the famous political writer, a natural son of Alexandre de Girardin, becoming celebrated, Montrond said to his father, - "Depechez-vous de le reconnaitre, ou bientot il ne - vous reconnaitra pas." + "Dépêchez-vous de le reconnaître, ou bientôt il ne + vous reconnaîtra pas." GRONOW, _Recollections_. @@ -6448,7 +6418,7 @@ W.D.A. Exquisite wine and comestibles From Slater, and Fortnum and Mason; - Billiards, ecarte, and chess-tables; + Billiards, écarté, and chess-tables; Water in vast marble basin; Luminous books (not voluminous) To read under beech-trees cacuminous; @@ -6850,7 +6820,7 @@ W.D.A. There's Carlyle, on the other hand, whose first and last concern it is To preach up the "immensities" and muse on the "eternities"; But if one credits what one hears, the gist of all his brag is, sir, - That "Erbwuerst," rightly understood, is transcendental haggis, sir. + That "Erbwürst," rightly understood, is transcendental haggis, sir. F. D., in _Pall Mall Gazette_. @@ -6879,7 +6849,7 @@ W.D.A. "What he hit is history, What he missed is mystery." - J. R. PLANCHE, _Recollections_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. I'm very fond of water: @@ -6916,8 +6886,8 @@ W.D.A. R. H. BARHAM, _Ingoldsby Lyrics_. - Il est plus facile de legaliser certaines choses que - de les legitimer. + Il est plus facile de légaliser certaines choses que + de les légitimer. CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. @@ -6982,7 +6952,7 @@ W.D.A. and said some very disagreeable things, which irritated him; when suddenly John Bush entered the club and shook hands with the Count, who exclaimed, - "Voila, la difference entre une bonne _bouche_ et une mauvaise + "Voilà , la différence entre une bonne _bouche_ et une mauvaise _haleine_." GRONOW, _Recollections_. @@ -7083,7 +7053,7 @@ W.D.A. who says he does not like a good dinner, is either a fool or a liar." - J. R. PLANCHE, _Recollections_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. _TO PHOEBE._ @@ -7117,7 +7087,7 @@ W.D.A. illustration of the old proverb, "It never rains but it _powers_." - J. R. PLANCHE, _Recollections_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. I dreamed that somebody was dead. It was a @@ -7191,10 +7161,10 @@ W.D.A. La reconnaissance de la plupart des hommes n'est - qu'une secrete envie de recevoir de plus grands + qu'une secrète envie de recevoir de plus grands bienfaits. - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Reflexions_. + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. The surest way to make ourselves agreeable to @@ -7223,7 +7193,7 @@ W.D.A. At such a moment I but ask That you'll remember me. - J. R. PLANCHE, _Songs and Poems_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. When a man is called stingy, it is as much as calling @@ -7265,7 +7235,7 @@ W.D.A. by some misfortune in his youth, lost the use of his legs--in a Bath chair, which he wheeled about, and inquiring the name of the - English peer, D'Orsay answered, "Pere la Chaise." + English peer, D'Orsay answered, "Père la Chaise." GRONOW, _Recollections_. @@ -7325,7 +7295,7 @@ W.D.A. Sea where sorrow sinks, Ne'er to rise again--oh, Blessedest of drinks, - Welcome, "Pommery Greno!" + Welcome, "Pommery Gréno!" EDMUND YATES. @@ -7650,11 +7620,11 @@ W.D.A. LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - On n'a guere de defauts qui ne soient plus pardonnables + On n'a guère de défauts qui ne soient plus pardonnables que les moyens dont on se sert pour les cacher. - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Reflexions_. + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. Meeting a friend one day, when the weather had @@ -7692,7 +7662,7 @@ W.D.A. Oh, when shall a man see thy fellow, November, for _felo-de-se_? - J. R. PLANCHE, _Songs and Poems_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. "Life," continued Mr. Rose, "is a series of @@ -7798,13 +7768,13 @@ W.D.A. [Montrond's] death was a very wretched one. Left alone to the tender mercies of a well-known - "lorette" of those days, Desiree R----, + "lorette" of those days, Desirée R----, as he lay upon his bed, between fits of pain and drowsiness, he could see his fair friend picking from his shelves - the choicest specimens of his old Sevres china, or other + the choicest specimens of his old Sèvres china, or other articles of _vertu_. Turning to his doctor, he said, with a gleam of his old fun, "Qu'elle est attachante, cette - femme-la!" + femme-là !" GRONOW, _Recollections_. @@ -7942,10 +7912,10 @@ W.D.A. BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. - Nous ne trouvons guere de gens de bons sens que + Nous ne trouvons guère de gens de bons sens que ceux qui sont de notre avis. - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Reflexions_. + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. _FRENCH AND ENGLISH._ @@ -8031,7 +8001,7 @@ W.D.A. And in the murmur of the breeze We yet may find some air. - J. R. PLANCHE, _Songs and Poems_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. Mr. Bentley proposed to establish a periodical @@ -8072,7 +8042,7 @@ W.D.A. readiness. I was at his table one day when one of the guests inquired the name of a pyramidal dish of barley-sugar. Some one replied, "A pyramid - _a Macedoine_." "For what use?" rejoined the other. + _à Macédoine_." "For what use?" rejoined the other. "To give a _Philip_ to the appetite," said Croly. W. H. HARRISON, _Reminiscences_. @@ -8098,7 +8068,7 @@ W.D.A. _TO LADY BROWN._ - When I was young and _debonnaire_, + When I was young and _débonnaire_, The brownest nymph to me was fair; But now I'm old, and wiser grown, The fairest nymph to me is Brown. @@ -8226,7 +8196,7 @@ W.D.A. "O Mary! Mary! that will be a great deal of mustard to a very little meat!" - J. R. PLANCHE, _Recollections_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. _THE LATEST DECALOGUE._ @@ -8346,7 +8316,7 @@ W.D.A. at great length on the virtues, good qualities, and talents of his future wife, but without making allusion to her birth. "A t'entendre," observed Montrond, "on - dirait que tu epouses une fille surnaturelle." + dirait que tu épouses une fille surnaturelle." GRONOW, _Recollections_. @@ -8477,7 +8447,7 @@ W.D.A. RICHARD GRAVES (1715-1804). - Satan was a blunderer, an introducer of _novita_, + Satan was a blunderer, an introducer of _novità _, who made a stupendous failure. If he had succeeded, we should all have been worshipping him, and his portrait would have been more flattered. @@ -8726,7 +8696,7 @@ W.D.A. THOMAS CAMPBELL. - La societe est un etat de guerre, regle par les lois. + La société est un état de guerre, réglé par les lois. _L'Art de Parvenir._ @@ -8777,7 +8747,7 @@ W.D.A. oblige. Ver good benefice--only lose half-a-crown. I come again!" - J. R. PLANCHE, _Recollections_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. "Let's show," said M'Clan, "to this Sassenach loon @@ -8865,7 +8835,7 @@ W.D.A. arms, in allusion to his brother, the well-known fish-sauce projector: - "_Gravi_ jamdudum _saucia_ cura." + "_Gravi_ jamdudum _saucia_ curâ." R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. @@ -9062,10 +9032,10 @@ W.D.A. HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - La curiosite n'est que la vanite. Le plus souvent + La curiosité n'est que la vanité. Le plus souvent on ne veut savoir que pour en parler. - PASCAL, _Pensees_. + PASCAL, _Pensées_. O how unlike our shores, @@ -9151,7 +9121,7 @@ W.D.A. Music that was "most music-hall," To hear "most melancholy." - J. R. PLANCHE, _Songs and Poems_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. You are a woman; you must never speak what @@ -9179,11 +9149,11 @@ W.D.A. FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - Nous pardonnons souvent a ceux qui nous ennuient; - mais nous ne pouvons pardonner a ceux qui + Nous pardonnons souvent à ceux qui nous ennuient; + mais nous ne pouvons pardonner à ceux qui nous ennuyons. - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Reflexions_. + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. There is a phrase we oft have seen @@ -9503,7 +9473,7 @@ W.D.A. I remember a Trinity College (Dublin) story of - a student who, having to translate Caesar, rendered + a student who, having to translate Cæsar, rendered the first sentence, "Omnis Gallia divisa est in tres partes,"--"All Gaul is quartered into three halves." @@ -9615,7 +9585,7 @@ W.D.A. With undissembled grief I tell,-- For sorrow never comes too late,-- The simplest bonnet in Pall Mall - Is sold for L1 8_s._ + Is sold for £1 8_s._ CATHARINE M. FANSHAWE. @@ -9651,7 +9621,7 @@ W.D.A. For that's the time those birds of prey Bring all their horrid bills in! - J. R. PLANCHE, _Songs and Poems_. + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. The wit of a family is usually best received among @@ -9670,10 +9640,10 @@ W.D.A. H. SAVILE CLARKE. - Le vrai honnete homme est celui qui ne se pique de + Le vrai honnête homme est celui qui ne se pique de rien. - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Reflexions_. + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. O memory! thou art but a sigh @@ -10332,7 +10302,7 @@ W.D.A. Davies, Scrope, quoted, 130 - Deshoulieres, Madame, quoted, 37 + Deshoulières, Madame, quoted, 37 _Devil's Walk, the_, quoted, 36 @@ -10993,7 +10963,7 @@ W.D.A. ----, a sensation, described, 93 - November, Planche on, 203 + November, Planché on, 203 Number One, Lytton on, 50 @@ -11057,7 +11027,7 @@ W.D.A. Pennell, H. Cholmondeley, quoted, 16, _et seq._ - _Pensees_, Pascal's, quoted, 240 + _Pensées_, Pascal's, quoted, 240 Permissive Bill, the, 203 @@ -11085,7 +11055,7 @@ W.D.A. "Plain leg of mutton," 55 - Planche, J. R., quoted, 9, _et seq._ + Planché, J. R., quoted, 9, _et seq._ Pleasing, the art of, 31 @@ -11105,7 +11075,7 @@ W.D.A. "Policeman's lot, the," 209 - Pommery Greno, 193 + Pommery Gréno, 193 Poole, _mot_ by, 161 @@ -11196,13 +11166,13 @@ W.D.A. ----, Mackay's, quoted, 68, _et seq._ - ----, Planche's, quoted, 9, _et seq._ + ----, Planché's, quoted, 9, _et seq._ _Record of a Girlhood_, quoted, 1, _et seq._ Reece, Robert, quoted, 57, _et seq._ - _Reflexions_, Deshoulieres', quoted, 37 + _Réflexions_, Deshoulières', quoted, 37 ----, La Rochefoucauld's, 20, _et seq._ @@ -11279,7 +11249,7 @@ W.D.A. _Season, the_, quoted, 19, _et seq._ - Segur, Comte de, quoted, 87 + Sègur, Comte de, quoted, 87 Selden, John, quoted, 11, _et seq._ @@ -11336,7 +11306,7 @@ W.D.A. Society, two classes in, 120 - _Songs and Poems_, Planche's, quoted, 75, _et seq._ + _Songs and Poems_, Planché's, quoted, 75, _et seq._ _Songs and Verses_, Neaves's, quoted, 8, _et seq._ @@ -11647,364 +11617,4 @@ PRINTED BY WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED, LONDON AND BECCLES. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Quips and Quiddities - A Quintessence of Quirks Quaint, Quizzical and Quotable - -Author: William Davenport Adams - -Release Date: December 27, 2012 [EBook #41713] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES *** - - - - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Eric Skeet and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -Transcriber's Notes: - - Italic text is denoted by _underscores_. - - No attempt at consistency of spelling or punctuation has been made, - as the entire text consists of direct quotations from other sources. - - A few minor corrections have been made to the index or where the - original source has clearly been misprinted. - - * * * * * - - - - -QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES - -_Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2s. 6d. per volume._ - -THE MAYFAIR LIBRARY. - - -THE NEW REPUBLIC. By W. H. MALLOCK. - -THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA. By W. H. MALLOCK. - -THE TRUE HISTORY OF JOSHUA DAVIDSON. By E. -LYNN LINTON. - -OLD STORIES RE-TOLD. By WALTER THORNBURY. - -PUNIANA. By the Hon. HUGH ROWLEY. - -MORE PUNIANA. By the Hon. HUGH ROWLEY. - -THOREAU: HIS LIFE AND AIMS. By H. A. PAGE. - -BY STREAM AND SEA. By WILLIAM SENIOR. - -JEUX D'ESPRIT. Collected and Edited by HENRY S. LEIGH. - -GASTRONOMY AS A FINE ART. By BRILLAT-SAVARIN. - -THE MUSES OF MAYFAIR. Edited by H. CHOLMONDELEY -PENNELL. - -PUCK ON PEGASUS. By H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL. - -ORIGINAL PLAYS by W. S. GILBERT. FIRST SERIES. -Containing--The Wicked World, Pygmalion and Galatea, Charity, -The Princess, The Palace of Truth, Trial by Jury. - -ORIGINAL PLAYS by W. S. GILBERT. SECOND SERIES. -Containing--Broken Hearts, Engaged, Sweethearts, Dan'l Druce, -Gretchen, Tom Cobb, The Sorcerer, H.M.S. Pinafore, -The Pirates of Penzance. - -CAROLS OF COCKAYNE. By HENRY S. LEIGH. - -LITERARY FRIVOLITIES, FANCIES, FOLLIES, AND -FROLICS. By W. T. DOBSON. - -PENCIL AND PALETTE. By ROBERT KEMPT. - -THE BOOK OF CLERICAL ANECDOTES. By JACOB -LARWOOD. - -THE SPEECHES OF CHARLES DICKENS. - -THE CUPBOARD PAPERS. By FIN-BEC. - -QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES. Selected by W. DAVENPORT ADAMS. - -MELANCHOLY ANATOMISED: a Popular Abridgment of "Burton's Anatomy of -Melancholy." - -THE AGONY COLUMN OF "THE TIMES," FROM 1800 TO 1870. -Edited by ALICE CLAY. - -PASTIMES AND PLAYERS. By ROBERT MACGREGOR. - -CURIOSITIES OF CRITICISM. By HENRY J. JENNINGS. - -THE PHILOSOPHY OF HANDWRITING. By DON FELIX -DE SALAMANCA. - -LATTER-DAY LYRICS. Edited by W. DAVENPORT ADAMS. - -BALZAC'S COMÉDIE HUMAINE AND ITS AUTHOR. -With Translations by H. H. WALKER. - -_Other Volumes are in preparation._ - -CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY, W. - - - - -QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES - -_A QUINTESSENCE OF QUIRKS -QUAINT, QUIZZICAL, AND -QUOTABLE_ - - -SELECTED AND EDITED BY -W. DAVENPORT ADAMS - -AUTHOR OF THE "DICTIONARY OF ENGLISH LITERATURE," ETC. - -[Illustration] - -"How now, how now, mad wag? what, in thy Quips and thy Quiddities?" - -I _Henry IV._, i. 2 - -London -CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY -1881 - -[_All rights reserved._] - - - - -PREFACE. - - -This is a modest little volume. It consists but -of selections from the Editor's note-book, and its -object is but to amuse. It does not even aspire -to be read consecutively. The Compiler's hope -is only that it may be found a pleasant companion -at spare moments--that it may be considered -handy for the pocket, and be thought agreeable to -dip into. - -To that end, two things have been aimed at in -selecting--brevity and variety. There is scarcely -anything in the volume that cannot be read -almost at a glance, and the matter ranges over -a wide extent of literary effort--over play and -poem, over essay and novel, over maxim and epigram, -over memoir and diary. There is pun, and -there is parody; there is satire, and there is sarcasm. -In a word, the little book may say, with -Lafontaine, "Diversité c'est ma devise." There is -diversity even in the arrangement, which consists -merely of a general alternation of the prose and -verse. For the rest, the quips and quiddities are -in intentional disorder. - -Let it be added that, though there are a few -anonymous passages, most are duly attributed to -their writers, together with references to the -volumes from which they have been taken. In -this, every care has been exercised to arrive at -accuracy. The idea of completeness is, of course, -foreign to a selection of this sort, and it may be -mentioned that the Editor has been specially -anxious to avoid as much as possible the ground -covered by Mr. Leigh in his "Jeux d'Esprit," and -by Mr. Dobson in his "Literary Frivolities." His -aim, indeed, has been to take the freshest and least -hackneyed of the passages in his collection, though -he has not hesitated to include a venerable saying -when it has seemed to him as good as it is venerable. - -In conclusion, the Compiler desires to express -in the most hearty manner his indebtedness to -those numerous living writers whose bright and -airy fancies form, in his opinion, one of the chief -attractions of the book. He ought, perhaps, to -apologize to those writers for presenting their -fancies in a manner so generally fragmentary and -disconnected. But that the contents of the book -should be thus disconnected and fragmentary was -part and parcel of its plan and origin, and, that -being the case, the Editor hopes to be excused. -He may state that, in those few cases where a -piece of verse is given entire, it is distinguished -by the presence of a heading. The epigrams, -maxims, and anecdotes are, of course, reproduced -as written--being, in their very nature, of the -brevity essential to a quip. - -Further: on the principle that no book, however -unpretending, should be without an Index, the -Compiler has supplied one for the present volume. - -W.D.A. - - - - - "Shall I tell thee one thing, Poins?" - "Yes, faith; and let it be an excellent good thing." - - I _Henry IV._, ii. 2. - - - - - QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES. - - - When Miss Callender, afterwards Mrs. Sheridan, - published a novel, the hero of which commits - forgery, that wicked wit, Sydney Smith, said he - knew she was a Callender, but did not know till then - that she was a Newgate Calendar. - - FANNY KEMBLE, _Record of a Girlhood_. - - - An estate and beauty joined, are of an unlimited, nay, a power - pontifical; make one not only absolute, but infallible. A fine - woman's never in the wrong. - - _Lady Betty_, in CIBBER's _Careless Husband_. - - - _THEOPHILUS._ - - When I'm drinking my tea - I think of my _The_; - When I'm drinking my coffee - I think of my _Offee_; - So, whether I'm drinking my tea or my coffee, - I'm always a-thinking of thee, my Theoffy. - - ROGERS, _apud_ MOORE. - - - Bobus was very amusing. He is a great authority - on Indian matters. We talked of the insects - and the snakes, and he said a thing which - reminded me of his brother Sydney: "Always, sir, - manage to have at your table some fleshy blooming - young writer or cadet, just come out, that the mosquitoes - may stick to him, and leave the rest of the company - alone." - - LORD MACAULAY, _Life_. - - - Lady Greenwich, in a conversation with - Lady Tweeddale, named the Saxons. "The - Saxons, my dear," cried the Marchioness; "who - were they?" "Lord, madam, did your ladyship never - read the History of England?" "No, my dear; pray, - who wrote it?" - - HORACE WALPOLE, _Correspondence_. - - - _ON THE MARRIAGE OF A MR. LOT AND A MISS SALTER._ - - Because on her way she chose to halt, - Lot's wife, in the Scriptures, was turned into salt; - But though in her course she ne'er did falter, - This young Lot's wife, strange to say, was Salter. - - HICKS, _apud_ J. C. YOUNG. - - - Hook was dining at Powell's one day, and the talk - fell upon _feu_ Jack Reeve. "Yes," said Theodore, - when they were speaking of his funeral, - "I met him in his private box, going to the pit." - - H. F. CHORLEY, _Life and Letters_. - - - _TO A BAD FIDDLER._ - - Old Orpheus played so well, he moved old Nick, - While thou mov'st nothing but thy fiddlestick! - - _A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727). - - - A lady from China who was dining with the - Archbishop [Whately] told him that English - flowers reared in that country lose their perfume - in two or three years. "Indeed!" was the immediate - remark, "I had no idea that the Chinese were such - de-scent-ers." - - E. J. WHATELY's _Life of Whately_. - - - _ON THE ART UNIONS._ - - That Picture-Raffles will conduce to nourish - Design, or cause good colouring to flourish, - Admits of logic-chopping and wise-sawing: - But surely Lotteries encourage Drawing? - - THOMAS HOOD, _Whims and Oddities_. - - - Robert Smith (brother of Sydney, and familiarly - called "Bobus") was a lawyer and an - ex-Advocate-General, and happened on one - occasion to be engaged in argument with an excellent - physician touching the merits of their respective professions. - "You must admit," urged Dr. ----, "that - your profession does not make angels of men." "No," - was the retort, "there you have the best of it; yours - certainly gives them the first chance." - - ABRAHAM HAYWARD, _Essays_. - - - In London I never know what I'd be at, - Enraptured with this, and enchanted by that; - I'm wild with the sweets of variety's plan, - And Life seems a blessing too happy for man. - - But the Country, Lord help me! sets all matters right; - So calm and composing from morning to night; - Oh! it settles the spirits when nothing is seen - But an ass on a common, a goose on a green. - - CHARLES MORRIS, _Lyra Urbanica_. - - - Parler d'amour, c'est faire amour. - - BALZAC, _Physiologie du Mariage_. - - - At the Polish ball, the Lord Mayor said to Lady - Douglas, who squints, "Which do you prefer, - my lady, Gog or Magog?" "Of the _three_," - said Lady Douglas, "I prefer your lordship!" - - B. R. HAYDON, _Diary_. - - - _ON THE CAPPADOCIANS._ - - A viper bit a Cappadocian's hide; - But 'twas the viper, not the man, that died. - - ANON., _from the Greek_. - - - The merits of a certain American diplomatist being - on the _tapis_, [Washington Irving] said, in allusion - to his pomposity, "Ah, he is a great man; - and, in his own estimation, a very great man--a man of - great weight. When he goes to the West, the East - tips up." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - When a rapt audience has encored "Fra Poco" - Or "Casta Diva," I have heard that then - The Prima Donna, smiling herself out, - Recruits her flagging powers with bottled stout. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_. - - - I believe everything. It saves one such a world - of bore from intelligent people who are anxious - to explain things you doubt about. - - _Lucy Forrester_, in BROOKS' _Aspen Court_. - - - Rank so friendly now with trade is, - Bill discounters titled ladies - Stoop to raise. - Manners used to make the man, - It is only money can - Nowadays. - - J. JEMMETT BROWNE, _Songs of Many Seasons_. - - - Black is a great fact. Want of fashion in the cut; - want of richness in the material; want of _chic_ - in the wearer--all these it covers, like charity. - There's a sentiment about it which appeals to the feelings, - and it is becoming to the skin. - - ANNA C. STEELE. - - - Are you quite sure that Pygmalion is the only - person who ever fell in love with his own - handiwork? - - _Guesses at Truth._ - - - Duty,--that's to say the complying - With whate'er's expected here, - On your unknown cousin's dying, - Straight be ready with the tear; - Upon etiquette relying, - Unto usage nought denying, - Lend your waist to be embraced, - Blush not even, never fear. - - A. H. CLOUGH, _Poems_. - - - What Jenner said on hearing in Elysium that - complaints had been made of his having a statue - in Trafalgar Square:-- - - England, ingratitude still blots - The escutcheon of the brave and free: - I saved you many million spots, - And now you grudge one spot to me. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - Deh! what are we sinners doing all our lives? - Making soup in a basket, and getting nothing - but the scum for our stomachs. - - _Machiavelli_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Romola_. - - - My idea of an agreeable person is a person who - agrees with me. - - _Hugo Bohun_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Lothair_. - - - "Will you walk a little faster?" said a whiting to a snail, - "There's the porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail. - See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance! - They are waiting on the shingle--will you come and join the dance? - - "You can really have no notion how delightful it will be - When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!" - But the snail replied, "Too far, too far!" and gave a look askance, - Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - I could draw on wood at a very tender age. - When a mere child I once drew a small cartload - of turnips over a wooden bridge. The people - of the village noticed me. I drew their attention. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - That all-softening over-powering knell, - The tocsin of the soul--the dinner-bell. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - Now Darwin proves as clear as mud, - That, endless ages ere the Flood, - The Coming Man's primeval form - Was simply an Ascidian worm: - And having then the habit got - Of passing liquor down his throat, - He keeps it still, and shows full well - That Man--was--once----a leather bottèl. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - "The ancients," quoth Paul, "were very great - men, Mr. MacGrawler." - "They were so, sir," returned the critic; - "we make it a rule in our profession to assert that fact." - "But, sir," said Paul, "they are wrong now and then." - "Never, Ignoramus, never." - "They praised poverty, Mr. MacGrawler," said Paul, - with a sigh. - "Hem," quoth the critic, a little staggered; but presently - recovering his characteristic acumen, he observed, - "It is true, Paul, but that was the poverty of other - people." - - LORD LYTTON, _Paul Clifford_. - - - Yes, Fortune deserves to be chidden, - It is a coincidence queer-- - Whenever one wants to be hidden - Some blockhead is sure to appear! - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - One day in the country [Sheridan Knowles] said to - Abbot, with whom he had been acting there, - "My dear fellow, I'm off to-morrow. Can I - take any letters for you?" "You're very kind," answered - Abbot; "but where are you going to?" "_I haven't - made up my mind._" - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - _BLUE STOCKINGS._ - - The newspapers lately have taught us to know - How some strong-minded hens are beginning to crow. - But, dear ladies, beware: take the word of a friend, - That when rivalry comes, all affection must end. - With the brightest of _spoons_ would be war to the _knife_ - In political contests 'twixt husband and wife; - And the sentence of doom might be sudden and brief - If a feminine subaltern jilted her chief. - We men take a pride in concealing our chains, - And would like to be thought to monopolize brains; - So I'll give you this maxim, my counsels to crown-- - _If the stockings are blue, keep the petticoats down._ - - _Once a Week._ - - - Talking of Kean, I mentioned his having told - me that he had eked out his means of living, - before he emerged from obscurity, by teaching - dancing, fencing, elocution, and boxing. "Elocution - and boxing!" (repeated Bobus Smith)--"a word and a - blow." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - _MILITARY._ - - Smart soldiers like to be well tightened in: - Loose habits would destroy all discipline. - - H. J. BYRON, in _English Epigrams_. - - - Fontaine, the architect, who built the triumphal - arch in the Carrousel, placed upon it an empty - car, drawn by the famous bronze Venetian - horses. Talleyrand asked him, "_Qui avez vous l'intention - de mettre dans le char?_" The answer was, "_L'Empereur - Napoléon, comme de raison_." Upon which Talleyrand - said, "_Le char l'attend_." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - 'Tis doubtless well to be sometimes awake-- - Awake to duty, and awake to truth,-- - But when, alas! a nice review we take - Of our best deeds and days, we find, in sooth, - The hours that leave the slightest cause to weep - Are those we passed in childhood or asleep! - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. - - - _Sir Toby._ "Does not our life consist of the four - elements?" - _Sir Andrew._ "Faith, so they say; but I think - it rather consists of eating and drinking." - - _Twelfth Night_, Act II., Scene 3. - - - She thought "Wives and Daughters" "_so_ jolly;" - "Had I read it?" She knew that I had: - Like the rest, I should dote upon "Molly;" - And "poor Mrs. Gaskell--how sad!" - "Like Browning?" "But so-so." His proof lay - Too deep for her frivolous mood, - That preferred your mere metrical _soufflé_ - To the stronger poetical food; - Yet at times he was good--"as a tonic:" - Was Tennyson writing just now? - And was this new poet Byronic, - And clever, and naughty, or how? - - AUSTIN DOBSON, _Vignettes in Rhyme_. - - - Old friends are best. King James used to call for - his old shoes; they were easiest for his feet. - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - Let a coach be called, - And let the man who called it be the caller; - And in his calling let him nothing call, - But coach, coach, coach! Oh for a coach, ye gods! - - CAREY, _Chrononhotonthologos_. - - - If you could make a pudding wi' thinking o' the - batter, it 'ud be easy getting dinner. - - _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - There's somewhat on my breast, father, - There's somewhat on my breast; - The livelong day I sigh, father, - And at night I cannot rest. - 'Tis not the lack of gold, father, - Nor want of worldly gear; - My lands are broad, and fair to see, - My friends are kind and dear. - - 'Tis not that Janet's false, father, - 'Tis not that she's unkind; - Though busy flatterers swarm around, - I know her constant mind. - 'Tis not her coldness, father, - That chills my labouring breast: - It's that confounded cucumber - I've eat and can't digest. - - R. H. BARHAM, _Ingoldsby Lyrics_. - - - Insolence is a charming quality, when, like - mercy, it is not strained. - - _Once a Week._ - - - Ancient Phillis has young graces, - 'Tis a strange thing, but a true one! - Shall I tell you how? - She, herself, makes her own faces, - And each morning wears a new one; - Where's the wonder now? - - _Lord Froth_, in CONGREVE's _Double Dealer_. - - - Célébrité--l'avantage d'être connu de ceux que - vous ne connaissez pas. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - 'Tis past all bearing, when a husband slights his bride, - Who last Christmas still was blushing at her elder sister's side; - Still on some minute allowance finding collars, boots, and gloves, - Still to cousinly flirtations limiting her list of loves, - Still by stern domestic edict charged on no account to read - Any of Miss Brontë's novels, or to finish _Adam Bede_. - - _First Lady_, in TREVELYAN's _Ladies in Parliament_. - - - I differ from all the ordinary biographers of - that independent gentleman Don't Care. I - believe Don't Care came to a good end. At any - rate he came to some end. Whereas numbers of people - never have beginning, or ending, of their own. - - _Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_. - - - _DISTICH._ - - Wisely a woman prefers to a lover a man who neglects her. - This one may love her some day; some day the lover will not. - - JOHN HAY, _Poems_. - - - One morning [Jerrold and Compton] proceeded - together to view the pictures in the Gallery of - Illustration. On entering the ante-room, they - found themselves opposite to a number of very long - looking-glasses. Pausing before one of these, [Compton] - remarked to Jerrold, "You've come here to admire - works of art! Very well, first feast your eyes on that - work of nature!"--pointing to his own figure reflected - in the glass; "look at it, there's a picture for you!" - "Yes," said Jerrold, regarding it intently, "very fine, - very fine indeed!" Then, turning to his friend: "Wants - hanging, though!" - - _Memoir of Henry Compton._ - - - Sing for the garish eye, - When moonless brandlings cling! - Let the froddering crooner cry, - And the braddled sapster sing. - For never, and never again, - Will the tottering beechlings play, - For bratticed wrackers are singing aloud, - And the throngers croon in May! - - W. S. GILBERT. - - - Sydney Smith said of a certain quarrelsome - person that his very face was a breach of the - peace. - - J. T. FIELDS, _Yesterdays with Authors_. - - - Kerchief in hand I saw them stand; - In every kerchief lurked a lunch; - When they unfurl'd them it was grand - To watch bronzed men and maidens crunch - The sounding celery-stick, or ram - The knife into the blushing ham. - - Dash'd the bold fork through pies of pork; - O'er hard-boil'd eggs the saltspoon shook; - Leapt from its lair the playful cork: - Yet some there were, to whom the brook - Seemed sweetest beverage, and for meat - They chose the red root of the beet. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - Of all virtues, magnanimity is the rarest. There - are a hundred persons of merit for one who - willingly acknowledges it in another. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - Bisness first, pleasure artervards, as King Richard - the Third said ven he stabbed the tother king in - the Tower, afore he murdered the babbies. - - CHARLES DICKENS, _apud_ J. T. FIELDS. - - - We are all of us liable to this error of imagining - that we are grieved at a fault, when we are only - grieved at having done something to lower ourselves - in our own estimation. - - E. M. SEWELL, _Margaret Percival_. - - - I trembled once beneath her spell - Whose spelling was extremely so-so. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - It's easy finding reasons why other folks should be - patient. - - _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - _OUR TRAVELLER._ - - If thou wouldst stand on Etna's burning brow, - With smoke above, and roaring flames below; - And gaze adown that molten gulf reveal'd - Till thy soul shudder'd, and thy senses reel'd;-- - If thou wouldst beard Niagara in his pride, - Or stem the billows of Propontic tide; - Scale all alone some dizzy Alpine _haut_, - And shriek "Excelsior!" amidst the snow;-- - Wouldst tempt all deaths, all dangers that may be, - Perils by land, and perils on the sea,-- - This vast round world, I say, if thou wouldst view it, - Then why the dickens don't you go and do it? - - H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Puck on Pegasus_. - - - I am saddest when I sing; so are those who hear - me. They are sadder even than I am. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - An ape with a pliable thumb and big brain, - When the gift of the gab he had managed to gain, - As a lord of creation established his reign, - Which nobody can deny. - - But I'm sadly afraid, if we do not take care, - A relapse to low life may our prospects impair, - So of beastly propensities let us beware, - Which nobody can deny. - - Their lofty position our children may lose, - And, reduced to all-fours, must then narrow their views, - Which would shortly unfit them for wearing our shoes, - Which nobody can deny. - - Their vertebræ next might be taken away, - When they'd sink to an oyster, or insect, some day, - Or the pitiful part of a polypus play, - Which nobody can deny. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - It's dreadful to think on, people playing with their - own insides in that way! And it's flying i' the - face o' Providence; for what are the doctors for, - if we aren't to call 'em in? - - _Mrs. Pullet_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Mill on the Floss_. - - - Brief, in two rules he summed the ends of man-- - Keep all you have, and try for all you can! - - LORD LYTTON, _King Arthur_. - - - _LOVE SONG._ - - What mistress half so dear as mine, - Half so well dressed, so pungent, fragrant, - Who can such attributes combine, - To charm the constant, fix the vagrant? - Who can display such varied arts, - To suit the taste of saint and sinner, - Who go so near to touch their hearts, - As thou, my darling dainty dinner? - - Still my breast holds a rival queen, - A bright-eyed nymph of sloping shoulders, - Whose ruddy cheeks and graceful mien - Entrance the sense of all beholders. - Oh! when thy lips to mine are pressed, - What transports titillate my throttle! - My love can find new life and zest, - In thee, and thee alone, my bottle! - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - Fashion with us is like the man in one of Le - Sage's novels, who was constantly changing his - servants, and yet had but one suit of livery, - which every newcomer, whether he was tall or short, fat - or thin, was obliged to wear. - - _Wormwood_, in LORD LYTTON's _Pelham_. - - - Unmarketable maidens of the mart, - Who, plumpness gone, fine delicacy feint, - And hide your sins in piety and paint. - - ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. - - - Seeing O. Smith, the popular melodramatic actor, - on the opposite side of the Strand, Knowles - rushed across the road, seized him by the hand, - and inquired eagerly after his health. Smith, who only - knew him by sight, said, "I think, Mr. Knowles, you - are mistaken; I am O. Smith." "My dear fellow," cried - Knowles, "I beg you ten thousand pardons: I took - you for your _namesake_, T. P. Cooke!" - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - _A PRACTICAL ANSWER._ - - _Says Hyam to Moses, - "Let's cut off our noses," - Says Moses to Hyam, - "Ma tear, who would buy 'em?"_ - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - Turnips should never be pulled: it injures them. - It is much better to send a boy up and let him - shake the tree. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - He lived in a cave by the seas, - He lived upon oysters and foes, - But his list of forbidden degrees - An extensive morality shows; - Geological evidence goes - To prove he had never a pan, - But he shaved with a shell when he chose,-- - 'Twas the manner of Primitive Man. - - He worshipped the rain and the breeze, - He worshipped the river that flows, - And the dawn, and the moon, and the trees, - And bogies, and serpents, and crows; - He buried his dead with their toes - Tucked-up, an original plan, - Till their knees came right under their nose,-- - 'Twas the manner of Primitive Man. - - ANDREW LANG, _Ballades in Blue China_. - - - On ne loue d'ordinaire que pour être loué. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - Would you adopt a strong logical attitude, - Bear this in mind, and, whatever you do, - Always allow your opponent full latitude, - Whether or not his assumption be true. - Then, when he manifests feelings of gratitude - Merely because you've not shut him up flat, - Turn his pet paradox into a platitude - With the remark, "Oh, of _course_, we know that!" - - GODFREY TURNER. - - - The gentle reader, who may wax unkind, - And, caring little for the author's ease, - Insist on knowing what he means--a hard - And hapless situation for a bard. - - LORD BYRON, _Beppo_. - - - My dear, when you have a clergyman in your - family you must accommodate your tastes: I - did that very early. When I married Humphrey, - I made up my mind to like sermons, and I set out by - liking the end very much. That soon spread to the - middle and the beginning, because I couldn't have the - end without them. - - _Mrs. Cadwallader_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Middlemarch_. - - - Great theologians, talk not of Trinity: - Heretics, plague us no more with your fibs; - One question only, Which is the Divinity,-- - Willcox or Gibbs? - - MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_. - - - "Is that the contents you are looking at?" inquired - an anxious author, who saw Rogers's eye - fixed on a table or list at the commencement - of a presentation copy of a new work. "No," said - Rogers, pointing to the list of subscribers, "the _dis_-contents." - - A. HAYWARD, _Essays_. - - - The river's like glass-- - As slowly I pass, - This sweet little lass - Raises two - Forget-me-not eyes - In laughing surprise-- - From canoe. - And as I float by, - Said I, "Miss, O why? - O why may not I - Drift with you?" - Said she, with a start, - "I've no room in my heart-- - Or canoe!" - - J. ASHBY STERRY, _Boudoir Ballads_. - - - Kenny one day mentioned Charles Lamb's being - once bored by a lady praising to him "such a - charming man!" etc., etc.; ending with, "I know - him, bless him!" On which Lamb said, "Well, I don't, - but d---- him at a hazard." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - They sought it with thimbles, they sought it with care; - They pursued it with forks and hope; - They threatened its life with a railway share; - They charmed it with smiles and soap. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Hunting of the Snark_. - - - I remember being present at a dinner in - London, when a very severe and saturnine - Scotch Presbyterian was abusing Sunday newspapers, - and concluded a violent tirade by saying, "I - am determined to set my face against them." "So am I," - said Theodore Hook, "every Sunday morning." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - _ON A RADICAL REFORMER._ - - Tomkins will clear the land, they say, - From every foul abuse; - So chimneys in the olden time - Were cleansèd by a goose. - - JAMES HANNAY, _Sketches and Characters_. - - - I was mentioning that some one had said of - Sharpe's very dark complexion that he looked - as if the dye of his old trade (hat making) had - got engrained into his face. "Yes," said Luttrell, "darkness - that may be _felt_!" - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - It seems that poor Bruin has never had peace - 'Twixt bald men in Bethel, and wise men in grease. - - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - The term _sound divine_ being used, I said, "I do - not know what is a sound divine," quoting Pope-- - "'Dulness is sacred in a sound divine.'" - "But I do," said Donaldson. "It is a divine who is - _vox et præterea nihil_." - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - Plain food is quite enough for me; - Three courses are as good as ten; - If Nature can subsist on three, - Thank heaven for three--Amen! - I always thought cold victual nice-- - My _choice_ should be vanilla-ice. - - I care not much for gold or land; - Give me a mortgage here or there; - Some good bank-stock, some note of hand, - Or trifling railroad share:-- - I only ask that fortune send - A _little_ more than I shall spend. - - OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. - - - Some one saying to Sir F. Gould, "I am told you - eat three eggs _every day at breakfast_,"--"No," - answered Gould, "on the contrary." Some of - those present asked, "What was the contrary of eating - three eggs?" "Laying three eggs, I suppose," said - Luttrell. - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - Blossom of hawthorn whitens in May: - Never an end to true love's sway! - Blossom of hawthorn fades in June: - I shall be tired of my true love soon! - Blossom of hawthorn's gone in July: - Darling, I must be off,--good-bye! - - ANON. - - - The late Mr. Nightingale was telling Horace Smith - of his having given a late royal duke an account - of an accident he had met with when he had been - run away with, and of the duke's exclaiming aloud to himself, - when he heard he had jumped out of the carriage, - "Fool! fool!" "Now," said the narrator to his auditor, - "it's all very well for him to call me a fool, but I can't - conceive why he should. Can you?" "No," replied - the wag, as if reflecting, "because he could not suppose - you ignorant of the fact." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - Such are the sylvan scenes that thrill - This heart! The lawns, the happy shade - Where matrons, whom the sunbeams grill, - Stir with slow spoon their lemonade; - And maidens flirt (no extra charge) - In comfort at the fountain's marge! - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - The crow!--the crow!--the great black crow! - He loves the fat meadow--his taste is low; - He loves the fat worms, and he dines in a row - With fifty fine cousins all black as a sloe. - Sloe--sloe! you great black crow! - But it is jolly to fare like a great black crow! - - P. J. BAILEY, _Festus_. - - - If a man's got a bit of property, a stake in the - country, he'll want to keep things square. - Where Jack isn't safe, Tom's in danger. - - _Mr. Wace_, in GEORGE ELIOT'S _Felix Holt_. - - - Turn not from poor pussy in disdain, - Whose pride of ancestry may equal thine; - For is she not a blood descendant of - The ancient Catty line? - - R. H. NEWELL, _Orpheus C. Kerr Papers_. - - - I heard the other day of Jekyll making the - following pun. He said, "Erskine used to - hesitate very much, and could not speak very - well after dinner. I dined with him once at the Fishmongers' - Company. He made such a sad work of - speechifying that I asked him whether it was in honour - of the Company that he _floundered_ so?" - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - Who knows if what Adam might speak - Was mono- or poly-syllabic; - Was Gothic, or Gaelic, or Greek, - Tartàric, Chinese, or Aràbic? - It may have been Sanskrit or Zend-- - It must have been something or other; - But thus far I'll stoutly contend,-- - It wasn't the tongue of his mother. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - Men's natures are neither black nor white, but - _brown_. - - CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. - - - Oh, Love's but a dance, - Where Time plays the fiddle! - See the couples advance,-- - Oh, Love's but a dance! - A whisper, a glance,-- - "Shall we twirl down the middle?" - Oh, Love's but a dance, - Where Time plays the fiddle! - - AUSTIN DOBSON, _Proverbs in Porcelain_. - - - I met a man in Oregon who hadn't any teeth--not - a tooth in his head--yet that man could play on - the bass drum better than any man I ever met. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - The Duke of Rutland, at one of his levées, - being at a loss for something to say to every - person he was bound in etiquette to notice, - remarked to Sir John Hamilton that there was a prospect - of an excellent crop. "The timely rain," observed - the duke, "will bring everything above ground." "God - forbid, your excellency!" exclaimed the courtier. His - excellency stared, whilst Sir John continued, sighing - heavily as he spoke, "Yes, God forbid! for I have - _three wives_ under it!" - - SIR JONAH BARRINGTON, _Memoirs_. - - - "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak - For anything tougher than suet; - Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak,-- - Pray, how did you manage to do it?" - - "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, - And argued each case with my wife; - And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw - Has lasted the rest of my life." - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - Le monde récompense plus souvent les apparances - du mérite que le mérite même. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - Curran told an anecdote of an Irish parliament - man, who was boasting in the House of Commons - of his attachment to trial by jury. "Mr. - Speaker, by the trial by jury I have lived, and by the - blessing of God, with the trial by jury I will die!" - Curran sat near him, and whispered audibly, "What, - Jack! do you mean to be hanged?" - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - They roused him with muffins--they roused him with ice-- - They roused him with mustard and cress-- - They roused him with jam and judicious advice-- - They set him conundrums to guess. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Hunting of the Snark_. - - - My old friend Maltby, the brother of the bishop, was - a very absent man. One day at Paris, in the - Louvre, we were looking at the pictures, when a - lady entered who spoke to me, and kept me some minutes - in conversation. On rejoining Maltby, I said, "That - was Mrs. ----. We have not met so long, she had - almost forgotten me, and asked me if my name was - Rogers." Maltby, still looking at the pictures, "And - was it?" - - ROGERS, _apud_ J. R. PLANCHÉ. - - - No one likes to be disturbed at meals - Or love. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - What is man's end? To know and to be free. - Think you to compass it by tracts and tea? - - ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. - - - To preach long, loud, and damnation, is the way to - be cried up. We love a man that damns us, and - we run after him again to save us. - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - It's such a very serious thing - To be a funny man! - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. - - - A bore cannot be a good man: for the better he - is, the greater bore he will be, and the more - hateful he will make goodness. - - LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. - - - Parson Wilbur sez he never heerd in his life - Thet th' Apostles rigged out in their swaller-tail coats, - An' marched round in front of a drum and a fife, - To get some on 'em office, an' some on 'em votes; - But John P. - Robinson he - Sez they didn't know everythin' down in Judee. - - J. R. LOWELL, _Biglow Papers_. - - - I could resign that eye of blue, - Howe'er its splendour used to thrill me; - And e'en that cheek of roseate hue-- - To lose it, Chloe, would not kill me. - - That sunny neck I ne'er should miss, - However much I raved about it; - And sweetly as that lip can kiss, - I think I could exist without it. - - In short, so well I've learned to fast, - That, sooth, my love, I know not whether - I might not bring myself at last - To do without you altogether. - - THOMAS MOORE. - - - L'art de plaire est l'art de tromper. - - VAUVENARGUES, _Réflexions_. - - - We don't marry beggars, said she: why, no: - It seems that to make 'em is what you do; - And as I can cook, and scour, and sew, - I needn't pay half my victuals for you. - A man for himself should be able to scratch, - But tickling's a luxury:--love, indeed! - Love burns as long as a lucifer-match, - Wedlock's the candle! Now that's my creed. - - GEORGE MEREDITH, _Modern Love_. - - - And while my schoolmates studied less, - I resolutely studied _Moore_. - - _Songs of Singularity._ - - - "One of my aides-de-camp," said Lord Wellesley - to Plunket on one occasion, "has written a - personal narrative of his travels,--pray, Chief - Justice, what is your definition of 'personal'?" "My - lord," replied Plunket, "we lawyers always consider - _personal_ as opposed to _real_." - - LORD ALBEMARLE, _Fifty Years of my Life_. - - - I make the butter fly, all in an hour: - I put aside the preserves and cold meats, - Telling my master his cream has turned sour, - Hiding his pickles, purloining his sweets. - I never languish for husband or dower, - I never sigh to see gyps at my feet: - I make the butter fly, all in an hour, - Taking it home for my Saturday treat. - - _Lydia_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Horace at Athens_. - - - English is an expressive language, but not - difficult to master. Its range is limited. It - consists, so far as I can observe, of four words: - "nice," "jolly," "charming," and "bore;" and some - grammarians add "fond." - - _Pinto_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Lothair_. - - - When Sir George Rose was appointed one of the - four judges of the now extinct Court of Review, - he came to Lincoln's Inn with his colleagues to - be sworn in. Some friend congratulating him on his - access of dignity, he observed, "Yes! here we are, you - see--_four by honours_!" - - _Macmillan's Magazine._ - - - Ah! who has seen the mailèd lobster rise, - Clap her broad wings, and, soaring, claim the skies? - When did the owl, descending from her bower, - Crop, 'midst the fleecy flocks, the tender flower; - Or the young heifer plunge, with pliant limb, - In the salt wave, and fish-like strive to swim? - The same with plants--potatoes 'tatoes breed, - The costly cabbage springs from cabbage-seed; - Lettuce to lettuce, leeks to leeks, succeed; - Nor e'er did cooling cucumbers presume - To flower like myrtle, or like violets bloom. - - _The Anti-Jacobin._ - - - Une femme d'esprit m'a dit un jour un mot qui - pourrait bien être le secret de son sexe; c'est - que toute femme, en prenant un amant, tient - plus de compte de la manière dont les autres femmes - voient cet homme que de la manière dont elle le voit - elle-même. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - Here, waiter, I'll dine in this box; - I've looked at your long bill of fare: - A Pythagorean it shocks - To view all the rarities there. - - I'm not o'erburdened with cash, - Roast beef is the dinner for me; - Then why should I eat _calipash_, - Or why should I eat _calipee_? - - Your trifle's no trifle, I ween, - To customers prudent as I am; - Your peas in December are green, - But I'm not so green as to buy 'em. - - With ven'son I seldom am fed-- - Go, bring me a sirloin, you ninny; - Who dines at a guinea a head - Will ne'er by his head get a guinea. - - JAMES SMITH, _Horace in London_. - - - One of Lord Dudley's eccentric habits was that of - speaking to himself or thinking aloud. Soon - after he succeeded to the title of Dudley and - Ward, a lady asked Lord Castlereagh how he accounted - for the custom. "It is only Dudley speaking to Ward," - was the ready answer to her inquiry. - - SINCLAIR, _Old Times and Distant Places_. - - - Le secret d'ennuyer est celui de tout dire. - - VOLTAIRE, _Discours_, vi. - - - I never heard Rogers volunteer an opinion upon - Campbell, except after his death, when he had - been to see the poet's statue. "It is the first - time," said he, "that I have seen him stand straight for - many years." - - BRYAN WALLER PROCTER. - - - "Vexation of spirit"--that is the part that - belongs to us; we leave the "vanity" to the - women. - - _Vanecourt_, in L. OLIPHANT's _Piccadilly_. - - - I watched her as she stoop'd to pluck - A wild flower in her hair to twine; - And wish'd that it had been my luck - To call her mine. - - Anon I heard her rate, with mad - Mad words, her babe within its cot; - And felt particularly glad - That it had not. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - Practice does not always make perfect. Curran, - when told by his physician that he seemed - to cough with more difficulty, replied, "That - is odd enough, for I have been practising all night." - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - We talk little if we do not talk about ourselves. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - And how was the Devil drest? - O, he was in his Sunday's best; - His jacket was red and his breeches were blue, - And there was a hole where the tail came through. - - _The Devil's Walk._ - - - A closed glass bookcase provoked from Dr. Drake - the remark that he never could stand "Locke - on the Human Understanding." - - LORD TEIGNMOUTH, _Reminiscences_. - - - There was a time, ere Trollope learned to spell, - When S. G. O. wrote seldom or wrote well; - When Swinburne only lusted after tarts, - When Beales was yet a Bachelor of Arts; - Ere Broad Church rose to make logicians stare, - That medley of St. Paul and St. Voltaire. - - RICHARD CRAWLEY, _Horse and Foot_. - - - [Redmond Barry] said once to Corry, who - was praising Crompton's performance of some - particular character a night or two before, - "Yes, he played the part pretty well; he hadn't time to - study it!" - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - If a daughter you have, she's the plague of your life, - No peace shall you know, though you've buried your wife! - At twenty she mocks at the duty you've taught her-- - O, what a plague is an obstinate daughter! - Sighing and whining, - Dying and pining, - O, what a plague is an obstinate daughter! - - When scarce in their teens, they have wit to perplex us, - With letters and lovers for ever they vex us; - While each still rejects the fair suitor you've brought her; - O, what a plague is an obstinate daughter! - Wrangling and jangling, - Flouting and pouting, - O, what a plague is an obstinate daughter! - - R. B. SHERIDAN, _The Duenna_. - - - _Kitty_: What is your ladyship so fond of? - _Lady Bab's Servant_: Shickspur. Did you - never read Shickspur? - _Kitty_: Shickspur! Shickspur! Who wrote it? No, - I never read Shickspur. - - _High Life Below Stairs_, Act II. Scene 1. - - - Nul n'est content de sa fortune - Ni mécontent de son esprit. - - MADAME DESHOULIÈRES, _Réflexions_. - - - In courtship suppose you can't sing - Your Cara, your Liebe, your Zoë, - A kiss and a sight of the ring - Will more quickly prevail with your Chloe. - - Or if you in twenty strange tongues - Could call for a beef-steak and bottle, - A purse with less learning and lungs - Would bring them much nearer your throttle. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - The father of C----, a distinguished artist, was - complimented by a friend on the talents and - reputation of his son, and on the comfort he - must be to his father. "Yes," was the reply, "he is a - very good son--a very good son, if he did not swear at - his mother so." - - W. H. HARRISON, _University Magazine_. - - - The old, old tale! ay, there's the smart; - Her heart, or what she call'd her heart, - Was hard as granite: - Who breaks a heart, and then omits - To gather up the broken bits - Is heartless, Janet. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - The French don't know what they want, and will - never be satisfied till they get it. - - WILLIAM HARNESS, _Life_. - - - She played the accordion divinely--accordionly I - praised her. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - Should yours (kind heaven, avert the omen!) - Like the cravats of vulgar, low men, - Asunder start--and, yawning wide, - Disclose a chasm on either side; - Or should it stubbornly persist - To take some awkward tasteless twist, - Some crease, indelible, and look - Just like a dunce's dog-eared book, - How would you parry the disgrace? - In what assembly show your face? - How brook your rival's scornful glance, - Or partners' titter in the dance? - How in the morning dare to meet - The quizzers of the park and street? - Your occupation's gone; in vain - Hope to dine out, or flirt again. - The ladies from their lists would put you, - And even _I_, my friend, must cut you! - - H. LUTTRELL, _Letters to Julia_. - - - A man can never manage a woman. Till a woman - marries, a prudent man leaves her to women; - when she does marry, she manages her husband, - and there's an end of it. - - _Kenelm Chillingly_, in LORD LYTTON's novel. - - - _HOMAGE TO THE SCOTCH RIFLES, BY A SPITEFUL - COMPETITOR._ - - It seems that the Scots - Turn out much better shots - At long distance, than most of the Englishmen are: - But this we all knew - That a Scotchman could do-- - Make a small piece of metal go awfully far. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - Some one peevishly complaining, "You take the - words out of my mouth," Donaldson replied, - "You are very hard to please; would you have - liked it better if I had made you swallow them?" - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - I am lying, we'll say, in the nook I love, - Screened from the sunlight's scorching glow, - Watching the big clouds up above, - And blowing a lazy cloud below; - - Blowing a cloud from my meerschaum black, - And thinking or not as I feel inclined, - With a light alpaca coat on my back, - And nothing particular on my mind. - - _Once a Week._ - - - There was a Presbyterian minister who married a - couple of his rustic parishioners, and had felt - exceedingly disconcerted, on his asking the - bridegroom if he were willing to take the woman for his - wedded wife, by his scratching his head and saying, - "Ay, I'm wullin'; but I'd rather hae her sister." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - The prospect's always fine in the Prospectus! - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. - - - Animals are such agreeable friends--they ask no - questions, they pass no criticisms. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Mr. Gilfil's Love Story_. - - - There is a _tact_, - Which keeps, when pushed by questions rather rough, - A lady always distant from the fact: - The charming creatures lie with such a grace, - There's nothing so becoming to the face. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - Walked Corry over to Bowood. In looking at - the cascade, he mentioned what Plunket said, - when some one, praising his waterfall, exclaimed, - "Why, it's quite a cataract." "Oh, that's all - my eye," said Plunket. - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - These panting damsels, dancing for their lives, - Are only maidens waltzing into wives. - - - ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. - - - Another friend assured me it was policy to - "feed a cold and starve a fever." I had both. - So I thought it best to feed myself up for the - cold, and then keep dark and let the fever starve awhile. - In a case of this kind, I seldom do things by halves. - I ate pretty heartily. I conferred my custom upon a - stranger who had just opened his restaurant that morning. - He waited near me in respectful silence, until I had - finished feeding my cold, when he inquired if the people - about Virginia were much afflicted with colds? I told - him I thought they were. He then went out and took in - his sign. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - A fine lady is like a cat; when young, the most - gamesome and lively of all creatures--when old, - the most melancholy. - - ALEXANDER POPE, in LOCKER's _Patchwork_. - - - 'Tis the voice of the lobster; I heard him declare - "You have baked me quite brown, I must sugar my hair." - As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his nose - Trims his belt and his buttons, and turns out his toes. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - Poor relations are undeniably irritating--their - existence is so entirely uncalled for on our part, - and they are almost always very faulty people. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Mill on the Floss_. - - - There was an APE in the days that were earlier; - Centuries passed, and his hair became curlier: - Centuries more gave a thumb to his wrist-- - Then he was MAN, and a Positivist. - - - MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_. - - - It was observed he never gave an opinion on any - subject, and never told an anecdote. Indeed, - he would sometimes remark, when a man fell - into his anecdotage it was a sign for him to retire from - the world. - - LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Lothair_. - - - You cannot eat breakfast all day, - Nor is it the act of a sinner, - When breakfast is taken away, - To turn your attention to dinner; - And it's not in the range of belief, - That you could hold him as a glutton, - Who, when he is tired of beef, - Determines to tackle the mutton. - - _Defendant_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Trial by Jury_. - - - Had the Romans public dinners? Answer me - that. Imagine a Roman--whose theory at least - of a dinner was that it was a thing for enjoyment, - whereas we often look on it as a continuation of the - business of the day,--I say, imagine a Roman girding - himself up, literally girding himself up, to make an after - dinner speech. - - _Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_. - - - Folks will teach you when at school-- - "Never tell a lie!" - Nonsense: if you're not a fool - You may always break the rule, - But you must be sly; - For they'll whip you, past a doubt, - If they ever find you out. - - Folks say, "Children should not let - Angry passions rise." - Humbug! When you're in a pet - Why on earth should you regret - Blacking some one's eyes? - Children's eyes are made, in fact, - Just on purpose to be black'd. - - H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_. - - - It is not now "We have seen his star in the East," - but "We have seen the star on his breast, and - are come to worship him." - - SHENSTONE, _Essays_. - - - _A FAITHFUL PAGE._ - - Nearly one hundred years ago, my grandfather, - Captain William Locker, was at dinner, and a - servant-boy, lately engaged, was handing him a - tray of liqueurs, in different-sized glasses. Being in the - middle of an anecdote to his neighbour, he mechanically - held out his hand towards the tray, but, as people often - do when they are thinking of something else, he did not - take a glass. The boy thought he was hesitating which - liqueur he would have, and, like a good fellow, wishing - to help his master, he pointed to one particular glass, - and whispered, "That's the biggest, sir." - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. - - - All men are equal, the Frenchman says; - Most men will gladly receive - What a fervid fool, with a flattering phrase, - Tricks out for fools to believe; - But these men have less brains than a wren! - When a larch is a lily, - And Bessy like Billy - A beard shall achieve, - Then I will believe - That equality reigns among men! - - J. S. BLACKIE, _Musa Burschicosa_. - - - I'm not one o' those who can see the cat i' the - dairy, an' wonder what she's come after. - - _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - I called him Selim, to express - The marked s(e)limness of his form. - - _Songs of Singularity._ - - - "Yes," he exclaimed, "as the sublime Tyndall tells - us, let us struggle to attain to a deeper knowledge - of matter, and a more faithful conformity - to its laws!" - - The professor would have proceeded, but the weather - had been rapidly growing rough, and he here became - violently sea-sick. - - "Let us," he exclaimed hurriedly, "conform to the - laws of matter and go below." - - W. H. MALLOCK, _The New Paul and Virginia_. - - - What can Tommy Onslow do? - He can drive a curricle and two. - Can Tommy Onslow do no more? - Yes, he can drive a phaeton and four. - - ANON., in GRONOW's _Recollections_. - - - Hicks and Thackeray, walking together, stopped - opposite a doorway, over which was inscribed in - gold letters these words: "Mutual Loan Office." - They both seemed equally puzzled. "What on earth can - that mean?" asked Hicks. "I don't know," answered - Thackeray, "unless it means, that two men, who have - nothing, agree to lend it to one another." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - A clod--a piece of orange-peel-- - An end of a cigar,-- - Once trod on by a princely heel, - How beautiful they are! - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - In the onion is the hope of universal brotherhood. - Look at Italy. In the churches all are alike; - there is one faith, one smell. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - He was "free to confess" (whence comes this phrase? - Is't English? No--'tis only parliamentary). - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - "Ah!" says my languid Oxford gentleman, "nothing - new, and nothing true, and no matter." - - R. W. EMERSON. - - - He dropt a tear on Susan's bier, - He seem'd a most despairing swain; - Yet bluer sky brought newer tie, - And would he wish her back again? - The moments fly, and when we die - Will Philly Thistletop complain? - She'll cry and sigh, and--dry her eye, - And let herself be woo'd again. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - One 'ud think, an hear some folks talk, as the - men war 'cute enough to count the corns in a - bag o' wheat wi' only smelling at it. They can - see through a barn door, they can. Perhaps that's the - reason they see so little o' this side on't. - - _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - Thy flattering picture, Phryne, 's like to thee - Only in this--that you both painted be. - - JOHN DONNE. - - - Without black velvet breeches, what is man? - - JOHN BRAMSTON, _Man of Taste_. - - - _A KISS._ - - Rose kissed me to-day,-- - Will she kiss me to-morrow? - Let it be as it may, - Rose kissed me to-day. - But the pleasure gives way - To a savour of sorrow;-- - Rose kissed me to-day,-- - _Will_ she kiss me to-morrow? - - AUSTIN DOBSON, _Proverbs in Porcelain_. - - - Humility is a virtue all preach, none practise, - and yet everybody is content to hear. - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - Some say that the primitive tongue - Expressed but the simplest affections; - And swear that the words said or sung - Were nothing but mere interjections. - _Oh! Oh!_ was the signal of pain; - _Ha! Ha!_ was the symptom of laughter; - _Pooh! Pooh!_ was the sign of disdain, - And _Hillo!_ came following after. - - Some, taking a different view, - Maintain the old language was fitted - To mark out the objects we knew, - By mimicking sounds they emitted. - _Bow, wow_, was the name of a dog, - _Quack, quack_, was the word for a duckling, - _Hunc, hunc_, would designate a hog, - And _wee, wee_, a pig and a suckling. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - _A PRACTICAL MAN._--One whose judgment is - not distracted by the power of seeing far before - him. - - ANNE EVANS, _Poems and Music_. - - - For conversation well endued, - She thinks it witty to be rude, - And, placing raillery in railing, - Proclaims aloud your greatest failing. - - SWIFT, _A Woman's Mind_. - - - I have always been more or less mixed up with - Art. I have an uncle who takes photographs--and - I have a servant who takes anything he can - get his hands on. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - If a man who turnips cries - Cry not when his father dies, - 'Tis a proof that he would rather - Have a turnip than a father. - - DR. JOHNSON. - - - The greatest happiness of the greatest number is - best secured by a prudent consideration for - Number One. - - _Kenelm Chillingly_, in LORD LYTTON's novel. - - - "You are old, Father William," the young man said, - "And your hair has become very white; - And yet you incessantly stand on your head-- - Do you think, at your age, it is right?" - - "In my youth," Father William replied to his son, - "I feared it might injure my brain; - But now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, - Why, I do it again and again." - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - When the question arose how the title of Herold's - charming opera, "Le Pré aux Clercs," should be - rendered into English, [Beazley] quietly suggested - "Parson's Green." - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - When I left the man in gaiters, - He was grumbling, o'er his gin, - At the charges of the hostess - Of that famous Flemish inn; - And he looked a very Briton - (So, methinks, I see him still) - As he pocketed the candle - That was mentioned in the bill! - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. - - - Morality--keeping up appearances in this world, - or becoming suddenly devout when we imagine - that we may be shortly summoned to appear in - the next. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - _ON PATRONS' PROMISES._ - - A minister's answer is always so kind! - I starve, and he tells me he'll keep me in mind. - Half his promise, God knows, would my spirits restore-- - Let him keep me, and, faith, I will ask for no more. - - LORD HOLLAND, in MOORE's _Diary_. - - - I know there's a stage of speculation in which a - man may doubt whether a pickpocket is blameworthy--but - I'm not one of your subtle fellows - who keep looking at the world through their own legs. - - _Felix Holt_, in GEORGE ELIOT's novel. - - - "A knock-me-down sermon, and worthy of Birch," - Says I to my wife, as we toddle from church. - "Convincing, indeed!" is the lady's remark; - "How logical, too, on the size of the Ark!" - Then Blossom cut in, without begging our pardons, - "Pa, was it as big as the 'Logical Gardens?" - - "Miss Blossom," says I, to my dearest of dearies, - "Papa disapproves of nonsensical queries; - The Ark was an Ark, and had people to build it, - Enough we are told Noah built it and fill'd it: - Mamma does not ask how he caught his opossums." - --Said she, "That remark is as foolish as Blossom's!" - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Books are fatal: they are the curse of the human - race. Nine-tenths of existing books are nonsense, - and the clever books are the refutation of - that nonsense. The greatest misfortune that ever befell - man was the invention of printing. - - Phoebus, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Lothair_. - - - We can't assume, so Comte declares, a first or final cause, sir; - Phenomena are all we know, their order and their laws, sir; - While Hegel's modest formula, a single line to sum in, - Is "Nothing is, and nothing's not, but everything's becomin'." - - F. D., in _Pall Mall Gazette_. - - - If you wish particularly to gain the good graces and - affection of certain people, men or women, try - to discover their most striking merit, if they have - one, and their dominant weakness, for every one has his - own. Then do justice to the one, and a little more than - justice to the other. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - Tender ten may dote on toys, - While for twelve jam tarts have joys, - Feat fourteen's in love with boys-- - Not a few. - - J. ASHBY STERRY, _Boudoir Ballads_. - - - Juliet was a fool to kill herself. In three - months she'd have married again, and been glad - to be quit of Romeo. - - CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. - - - A cornet waltzes, but a colonel weds. - - ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. - - - In the days when Pam retained the wheel, - We knew the men with whom we had to deal; - Then sucking statesmen seldom failed in seeing - The final cause and import of their being. - They dressed; they drove a drag; nor sought to shirk - Their portion of the matrimonial work. - They flocked to rout and drum by tens and twelves; - Danced every dance, and left their cards themselves, - While some obliging senatorial fag - Slipped their petitions in the Speaker's bag. - - _Lady Matilda_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Ladies in Parliament_. - - - Monk Lewis was a great favourite at Oatlands. - One day after dinner, as the duchess was leaving - the room, she whispered something in Lewis's - ear. He was much affected, his eyes filling with tears. - We asked him what was the matter. "Oh," replied - Lewis, "the duchess spoke so _very_ kindly to me!" - "My dear fellow," said Colonel Armstrong, "pray don't - cry; I dare say she didn't mean it." - - ROGERS, _Table Talk_. - - - Sweet is revenge--especially to women. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - A plain leg of mutton, my Lucy, - I prithee get ready at three; - Have it smoking and tender and juicy, - And what better meat can there be? - - And when it has feasted the master, - 'Twill amply suffice for the maid; - Meanwhile, I will smoke my canaster, - And tipple my ale in the shade. - - W. M. THACKERAY. - - - L'amour est comme les maladies épidémiques; - plus on les craint, plus on y est exposé. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - _MARRY_ (_AND_ DON'T) _COME UP_. - - A fellow that's single, a fine fellow's he; - But a fellow that's married's a _felo de se_. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - A brother actor, who had not exactly "taken - the house by storm" at his first appearance in - London, very stupidly asked Compton: "Was - my acting good?" "Well," was the reply, delivered - in his inimitable style, "hum! ha! _Good_ is not the - word!" - - H. HOWE, in _Memoir of Henry Compton_. - - - So when two dogs are fighting in the streets, - When a third dog one of the two dogs meets, - With angry tooth he bites him to the bone, - And this dog smarts for what that dog has done. - - FIELDING, _Tom Thumb_. - - - I recollect a humorous M.P. pointing out to - me a retired West Indian judge not very remarkable - for sagacity on the bench. There was a - ball at Government House, and the judge began to criticise - the dancing of a witty member of the Indian bar. - "Ah, my friend, you are a bad waltzer!" "Ah, but you - are a bad judge." - - MARK BOYD, _Reminiscences_. - - - _Mrs. Cripps_: Things are seldom what they seem: - Skim milk masquerades as cream; - Highlows pass as patent leathers; - Jackdaws strut in peacocks' feathers. - - _Captain_: Very true, - So they do. - - _Mrs. Cripps_: Black sheep dwell in every fold; - All that glitters is not gold; - Storks turn out to be but logs; - Bulls are but inflated frogs. - - _Captain_: So they be, - Frequentlee. - - W. S. GILBERT, _H.M.S. Pinafore_. - - - A friend meeting Sir George Rose one day in - Lincoln's Inn Fields, with his left eye greatly - swollen and inflamed, remonstrated with him, - adding that he was surprised Lady Rose should have let - him go out of doors in such a condition. "Ah," replied - Sir George, "I am out _jure mariti_" (my right eye). - - _Macmillan's Magazine._ - - - It is no comfort to the _short_ - To know you cannot love _at all_! - - ROBERT REECE, in _Comic Poets_. - - - "Edwin and Morcar, the Earls of Mercia and - Northumbria, declared for him; and even - Stigand, the patriotic Archbishop of Canterbury, - found it advisable----" - "Found _what?_" said the Duck. - "Found _it_," the Mouse replied, rather crossly; "of - course you know what 'it' means." - "I know what 'it' means well enough, when _I_ find a - thing," said the Duck; "it's generally a frog or a worm. - The question is, what did the archbishop find?" - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - I've read in many a novel, that, unless they've - souls that grovel, - Folks _prefer_, in fact, a hovel - to your dreary marble halls. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - Marriage is a Bishop, choral service, Messrs. - Hancock, and Brussels lace. - - ANNA C. STEELE. - - - How beautifully blue the sky, - The glass is rising very high, - Continue fine I hope it may, - And yet it rained but yesterday; - To-morrow it may pour again - (I hear the country wants some rain); - Yet people say, I know not why, - That we shall have a warm July. - - W. S. GILBERT, _Pirates of Penzance_. - - - The Dowager-Duchess of Richmond went one Sunday - with her daughter to the Chapel Royal at - St. James's, but, being late, they could find no - places. After looking about some time, and seeing the - case was hopeless, she said to her daughter, "Come - away, Louisa; at any rate we have done the civil thing." - - R. R. HAYDON, _Diary_. - - - _ON NORTHERN LIGHTS._ - - To roar and bore of Northern wights - The tendency so frail is, - That men do call those Northern Lights - Au-ror-a Bor-ealis. - - JEKYLL, in MISS MITFORD's _Letters_. - - - I'm forced to wink a good deal, for fear of seeing - too much, for a neighbourly man must let himself - be cheated a little. - - _Parson Lingon_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Felix Holt_. - - - _Dulce_ it is, and _decorum_, no doubt, for the country to fall,--to - Offer one's blood an oblation to Freedom, and die for the Cause; yet - Still, individual culture is also something, and no man - Finds quite distinct the assurance that he of all others is called on, - Or would be justified even, in taking away from the world that - Precious creature himself. - - _Claude_, in CLOUGH's _Amours de Voyage_. - - - Notre repentir n'est pas tant un regret du mal - que nous avons fait, qu'une crainte de celui qui - nous en peut arriver. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - _ON AN INANIMATE ACTRESS._ - - Thou hast a score of parts not good, - But two divinely shown: - Thy Daphne a true piece of wood, - Thy Niobe a stone. - - PALLADAS, trans. by R. GARNETT. - - - We as often repent the good we have done as the - ill. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - The speech of Old England for me; - It serves us on every occasion; - Henceforth, like our soil, let it be - Exempted from foreign invasion. - It answers for friendship and love, - For all sorts of feeling and thinking, - And lastly, all doubt to remove-- - It answers for singing and drinking. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - A compliment is usually accompanied with a - bow, as if to beg pardon for paying it. - - _Guesses at Truth._ - - - _THE TRAVELLER AND THE GORILLA._ - - The gifts by Nature boon supplied - This pair unequally divide: - The traveller's tale is far from small, - The monkey has no tail at all. - - R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_. - - - The more a man's worth, the worthier man he - must be. - - _Dudley Smooth_, in LORD LYTTON's _Money_. - - - Now to the banquet we press, - Now for the eggs and the ham! - Now for the mustard and cress, - Now for the strawberry jam! - Now for the tea of our host, - Now for the rollicking bun, - Now for the muffin and toast, - And now for the gay Sally Lunn! - - W. S. GILBERT, _The Sorcerer_. - - - It was in my schoolboy days that I failed as an - actor. The play was the "Ruins of Pompeii." - I played the Ruins. It was not a very successful - performance, but it was better than the "Burning Mountains." - He was not good. He was a bad Vesuvius. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - He cannot be complete in aught - Who is not humorously prone,-- - A man without a merry thought - Can hardly have a funny bone. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - An actor named Priest was playing at one of the - principal theatres. Some one remarked at the - Garrick Club that there were a great many more - in the pit--"Probably clerks who have taken Priest's - orders." - - ABRAHAM HAYWARD, _Essays_. - - - And she? she marries money and a man. - - ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. - - - A lady of my acquaintance, a brunette, happened - to show her maid one of those little sticking-plaster - profiles which they used to call _silhouettes_. - It was the portrait of the lady's aunt, whom the girl had - never seen, and she said quite innocently, "La, ma'am, - I always thought as how you had some black relations, - you are so dark-like yourself, you know!" - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. - - - He pored upon the leaves, and on the flowers, - And heard a voice in all the winds; and then, - He thought of wood nymphs and immortal bowers, - And how the goddesses came down to men: - He miss'd the pathway, he forgot the hours, - And when he look'd upon his watch again, - He found how much old Time had been a winner-- - He also found that he had lost his dinner. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - Ward had been a Whig, and became ministerial. - "I wonder what could make me turn Whig - again," said Ward. "That I can tell you," said - [Lord] Byron. "They have only to _re-Ward_ you." - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - _DISTICH._ - - As the meek beasts in the Garden came flocking for Adam to name them, - Men for a title to-day crawl to the feet of a king. - - JOHN HAY, _Poems_. - - - You cannot have everything, as the man said when - he was down with small-pox and cholera, and - the yellow fever came into the neighbourhood. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - Whene'er I take my walks abroad, - How many _rich_ I see! - There's A. and B. and C. and D. - All better off than me! - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - At one period of his boyhood, Macaulay's fancy - was much exercised by the threats and terrors of - the law. He had a little plot of ground at the - back of the house, marked out as his own by a row of - oyster-shells, which a maid one day threw away as rubbish. - He went straight to the drawing-room, where his - mother was entertaining some visitors, walked into the - circle, and said very solemnly: "Cursed be Sally; for it - is written, 'Cursed is he that removeth his neighbour's - landmark.'" - - G. O. TREVELYAN, _Life of Macaulay_. - - - If care were not the waiter - Behind a fellow's chair, - When easy-going sinners - Sit down to Richmond dinners, - And life's swift stream flows straighter-- - By Jove, it would be rare, - If care were not the waiter - Behind a fellow's chair. - - If wit were always radiant, - And wine were always iced, - And bores were kicked out straightway - Through a convenient gateway; - Then down the years' long gradient - 'Twere sad to be enticed, - If wit were always radiant, - And wine were always iced. - - MORTIMER COLLINS, in _The Owl_. - - - Building a staircase for Sir Henry Meux, [Beazley] - called it making a new "Gradus ad Parnassum," - because it was steps for the _muses_. - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - I cannot clear the five-bar gate, - But, trying first its timber's state, - Climb stiffly up, take breath, and wait - To trundle over. - - WALTER SAVAGE LANDOR. - - - La constance est la chimère de l'amour. - - VAUVENARGUES, _Réflexions_. - - - _ON AN INTEMPERATE HUSBAND._ - - Whence comes it that in Clara's face - The lily only has a place? - Is it because the absent rose - Has gone to paint her husband's nose? - - _A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727). - - - [Charles] Sheridan told me that his father, - being a good deal plagued by an old maiden - relation of his always going out to walk with - him, said one day that the weather was bad and rainy; - to which the old lady answered that, on the contrary, it - had cleared up. "Yes," said Sheridan, "it has cleared - enough for _one_, but not for _two_." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - To Urn, or not to Urn? that is the question: - Whether 'tis nobler for our frames to suffer - The shows and follies of outrageous custom, - Or to take fire--against a sea of zealots-- - And, by consuming, end them? To Urn--to keep-- - No more: and while we keep, to say we end - Contagion and the thousand graveyard ills - That flesh is heir to--'tis a consume-ation - Devoutly to be wished! - - WILLIAM SAWYER. - - - _ANSWER TO AN INQUIRY._ - - "_Young author._"--Yes, Agassiz _does_ recommend - authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus - in it makes brains. So far you are - correct. But I cannot help you to a decision about the - amount you need to eat--at least, not with certainty. If - the specimen composition you send is about your fair - usual average, I should judge that perhaps a couple of - whales would be all you would want for the present. - Not the largest kind, but simply good, middling-sized - whales. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - The firm of Baxter, Rose, and Norton, - Deny the plaintiffs Arthur Orton; - But can't deny, what's more important, - That he has done what Arthur oughtn't. - - ANON. - - - Hume and his wife and several of their children - were with me. Hume repeated the old saying, - "One fool makes many." "Ay, Mr. Hume," - said I, pointing to the company, "you have a fine - family." - - CHARLES LAMB, _apud_ CRABB ROBINSON. - - - Plus on juge, moins on aime. - - BALZAC, _Physiologie du Mariage_. - - - George the Third scolded Lord North for - never going to the concert of antient music: - "Your brother, the bishop," said the king, - "never misses them, my lord." "Sir," answered the - premier, "if I were as deaf as my brother, the bishop, I - would never miss them either!" - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - _ON A MODERN ACTRESS._ - - "Miss Neilson's 'benefit'," one says; - I ask to what the phrase refers; - For, sure, when such an artist plays, - The "benefit" is ours, not hers. - - W. D. A. - - - Our king [William IV.] is _ultra_-popular. Have - you heard Lord Alvanley's _bon mot_ concerning - him? He was standing at the window at White's, - when the king, with a thousand of his loving subjects at - his heels, was walking up St. James's Street. A friend - said to him, "What are you staring at, Alvanley?" "I - am waiting to see his Majesty's pocket picked," was the - reply. - - MISS MITFORD, _Life and Letters_. - - - Methinks the lays of now-a-days - Are painfully in earnest. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Hicks was talking to Thackeray of a certain - gentleman's strange addiction to beer. "It's a - great pity," said Hicks, "that he does not keep a - check-rein on himself, for he is a marvellous fellow otherwise--I - mean, for talent I hardly know his equal." - "No," retorted Thackeray, "he is a remarkable man. - Take him for half-and-half, we ne'er shall look upon his - like again." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - Pro conibus calidis, conibus frigidis, - Pro conibus mollibus, conibus rigidis, - Pro conibus senibus - Atque juvenibus, - Gratias agimus fatis, - Habuimus satis. - - ANON. - - - One of the "Hooks and Eyes" was expatiating on - the fact that he had dined three times at the - Duke of Devonshire's, and that on neither occasion - had there been any fish at table. "I cannot account - for it," he added. "I can," said Jerrold: "they ate it all - upstairs." - - CHARLES MACKAY, _Recollections_. - - - Veracity is a plant of paradise, and its seeds - have never flourished beyond the walls. - - _Machiavelli_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Romola_. - - - I know not why my soul is rack'd: - Why I ne'er smile as was my wont: - I only know that, as a fact, - I don't. - - I used to roam o'er glen and glade, - Buoyant and blithe as other folk: - And not unfrequently I made - A joke. - - All day I sang; of love, of fame, - Of fights our fathers fought of yore, - Until the thing almost became - A bore. - - I cannot sing the old songs now - It is not that I deem them low; - 'Tis that I can't remember how - They go. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - During [a] drive, Lord William L----, a man - of fashion, but, like other of the great men of - the day, an issuer of paper money discounted at - high rates by the usurers, was thrown off his horse. - Mr. and Mrs. King immediately quitted the carriage, and - placed the noble lord within. On this circumstance - being mentioned in the clubs, Brummell observed it was - only "a Bill _Jewly_ (duly) taken up and honoured." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - She made the cleverest people quite ashamed, - And even the good with inward envy groaned, - Finding themselves so very much exceeded - In their own way by all the things that she did. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - On the elevation of some childless person to the - peerage, [Lady Charlotte Lindsay] remarked - that he was "of the new Order, which seemed - the popular one, not of the Barons, but the Barrens." - - LORD HOUGHTON, _Monographs_. - - - Oft when petty annoyances ruffle the soul, - And the temper defies philosophic control, - The emotion is quelled, and a calm will succeed, - Through the simple device of inhaling the Weed: - Such magical power has the soothing Canaster - To bring balmy content and good humour to Gaster. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - Morgan John O'Connell had the ready - wit of his country in a remarkable degree. We - were walking by the Wey one day, when an - Oxford graduate, who had a taste for botany, plucked a - flower (_Balsamum impatiens_) from the river, remarking - that it was a very rare plant. "It is an out-of-the-_Wey_ - one, at any rate," was the instantaneous reply. - - W. H. HARRISON, _University Magazine_. - - - Oh! 'tis the most tremendous bore - Of all the bores I know, - To have a friend who's lost his heart - A short time ago. - - _Bon Gaultier Ballads._ - - - I never on any account allow my business to - interfere with my drinking. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - _NURSERY RHYME._ - - What is an Englishman made of? - Roast beef and jam tart, - And a pint of good Clar't, - And that's what an Englishman's made of. - - What is a Frenchman, pray, made of? - Horse steak, and frog fritter, - And absinthe so bitter, - And that's what a Frenchman is made of. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - Marriage is a desperate thing. The frogs in - Æsop were extreme wise; they had a great mind - to some water, but they would not leap into the - well, because they could not get out again. - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - ("Don't speak so hard of ----; he lives on your - good graces.") That accounts for his being - so thin. - - LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. - - - We are wise--and we make ourselves hazy; - We are foolish--and so, go to church; - While Sambo but laughs, and is lazy - (Vile discipline! lend me thy birch); - He dreams of no life save the present, - His virtue is but when it suits; - Sometimes, which is not quite so pleasant, - I miss coat or boots. - - _Once a Week._ - - - You remember Thurlow's answer to some one complaining - of the injustice of a company, "Why, - you never expected justice from a company, did - you? They have neither a soul to save, nor a body to - kick." - - SYDNEY SMITH, _Life and Letters_. - - - Elliston, the actor, a self-educated man, was - playing cribbage one evening, with Lamb, and - on drawing out his first card, exclaimed, "When - Greek meets Greek, then comes the tug of war." "Yes," - replied Lamb, "and when _you_ meet Greek, you don't - understand it." - - _Life of Rev. W Harness._ - - - To Justice Park's brother, who was a great church-goer, - some one applied the words, "_Parcus_ - deorum cultor." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - "You'll soon get used to her looks," said he, - "And a very nice girl you'll find her; - She may very well pass for forty-three, - In the dusk, with a light behind her!" - - _Judge_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Trial by Jury_. - - - "My brethren," said Swift in a sermon, "there are - three sorts of pride--of birth, of riches, and of - talents. I shall not now speak of the latter, - none of you being liable to that abominable vice." - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - No doubt this patience, when the world is damning us, - Is philosophic in our former friends; - It is also pleasant to be deem'd magnanimous, - The more so in obtaining our own ends. - Revenge in person's certainly no virtue, - But then 'tis not _my_ fault if _others_ hurt you. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - He was not an intellectual Croesus, but his pockets - were full of sixpences. - - LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Lothair_. - - - It's after a dinner at Freemason's Hall - That the orator's talent shines brightest of all; - When his eye becomes glazed, and his voice becomes thick, - And he's had so much hock he can only say _hic_. - So the company leave him to slumber and snore - Till he's put in a hat and conveyed to the door; - And he finds, upon reaching his home in a cab, - That his wife rather shines in the gift of the gab. - - H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_. - - - One of our countrymen having been introduced by - M. de la Rochefoucauld to Mademoiselle Bigottini, - the beautiful and graceful dancer, in the - course of conversation with this gentleman, asked him in - what part of the theatre he was placed; upon which he - replied, "Mademoiselle, _dans un loge róti_," instead of - "_grillé_." The lady could not understand what he meant, - until his introducer explained the mistake, observing, - "_Ces diables d'Anglais pensent toujours à leur Rosbif_." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - The sea was wet as wet could be, - The sands were dry as dry, - You could not see a cloud, because - No cloud was in the sky: - No birds were flying overhead-- - There were no birds to fly. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Through the Looking-Glass_. - - - A man of business should always have his eyes - open, but must often seem to have them shut. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Maxims_. - - - Next morning twelve citizens came - ('Twas the coroner bade them attend) - To the end that it might be determined - How the man had determined his end! - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. - - - I remember on one occasion acting in "Venice - Preserved." A long and rather drowsy dying - speech of my poor friend Jaffier was "dragging - its slow length along," when one of the gallery, in a tone - of great impatience, called out very loudly, "Ah now, die - at once;" to which another from the other side immediately - replied, "Be quiet, you blackguard," then, turning - with a patronizing tone to the lingering Jaffier, "Take - your time!" - - W. C. MACREADY, _Diary_. - - - The days they grow shorter and shorter, - The town's worse than ever for smoke, - Invention, Necessity's daughter! - How long must we blacken and choke? - Much longer we ne'er can endure it, - The smother each resident damns; - Unless something's done to cure it, - 'Twill cure _us_ like so many hams. - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. - - - A kind Providence furnishes the limpest personality - with a little gum or starch in the form of - tradition. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Middlemarch_. - - - Oil and water--woman and a secret-- - Are hostile properties. - - _Baradas_, in LORD LYTTON's _Richelieu_. - - - At a musical _soirée_ in Paris, a lady, possessing a - magnificent soprano voice and remarkable facility - of execution, sang the great Maestro's well-known - aria, "Una Voce," with great effect, but overladen - with fiorituri of the most elaborate description. Rossini, - at its conclusion, advanced to the piano and complimented - the lady most highly upon her vocal powers, terminating - his encomiums with the cruel inquiry: "Mais - de qui est la musique?" - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - _ON A BAD SINGER._ - - Swans sing before they die; 'twere no bad thing - Did certain persons die before they sing. - - S. T. COLERIDGE. - - - "Is life worth living?" That depends upon the - liver. - - _The World._ - - - _OLD LOVES._ - - "Then, you liked little Bowes."-- - "And you liked Jane Raby!" - "But you like _me_ now, Rose?"-- - "As I liked 'little Bowes'!" - "Am I then to suppose----" - "_Hush!--you mustn't wake baby!_" - "_Did_ you like little Bowes?"-- - "If you liked Jane Raby!" - - AUSTIN DOBSON, _Proverbs in Porcelain_. - - - Women, when left to themselves, talk chiefly about - their dress; they think more about their lovers - than they talk about them. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - O if billows and pillows, and bowers and flowers, - And all the brave rhymes of an elder day, - Could be furled together, this genial weather, - And carted, or carried on "wafts" away, - Nor ever again trotted out--ah me! - How much fewer volumes of verse there'd be! - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - _Miss Prue._ Must I tell a lie, then? - _Tattle._ Yes, if you'd be well-bred. All well-bred - persons lie. - - CONGREVE, _Love for Love_. - - - Some attacks on the lungs, that of woe would be full, - Are repelled by a filter of loose Cotton Wool; - But a barrier of brass, or a _chevaux-de-frise_, - Won't exclude some descriptions of Dust and Disease. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - When an acquaintance came up to him and said, - "Why, Jerrold, I hear you said my nose was like - the ace of clubs!" Jerrold returned, "No, I - didn't; but now I look at it, I see it is very like." - - MRS. COWDEN CLARKE. - - - _WUS, EVER WUS._ - - Wus, ever wus! By freak of Puck's - My most exciting hopes are dashed; - I never wore my spotless ducks - But madly--wildly!--they were splashed. - - I never roved by Cynthia's beam, - To gaze upon the starry sky, - But some old stiff-backed beetle came, - And charged into my pensive eye. - - And oh! I never did the swell - In Regent Street, amongst the beaus, - But smuts the most prodigious fell, - And always settled on my nose! - - H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Puck on Pegasus_. - - - L'hymen vient après l'amour, comme la fumée - après la flamme. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - It may be so--perhaps thou hast - A warm and loving heart; - I will not blame thee for thy face, - Poor devil as thou art. - That thing thou fondly deem'st a nose, - Unsightly though it be-- - In spite of all the cold world's scorn, - It may be much to thee. - - Those eyes--among thine elder friends - Perhaps they pass for blue; - No matter--if a man can see, - What more have eyes to do? - Thy mouth--that fissure in thy face, - By something like a chin, - May be a very useful place - To put thy victuals in. - - OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. - - - Nothing shows one who his friends are, like - prosperity and ripe fruit. I had a good friend - in the country whom I almost never visited - except in cherry time. By your fruits you shall know - them. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - _AN EPITAPH._ - - A lovely young lady I mourn in my rhymes: - She was pleasant, good-natured, and civil sometimes. - Her figure was good: she had very fine eyes, - And her talk was a mixture of foolish and wise. - Her adorers were many, and one of them said, - "She waltzed rather well! It's a pity she's dead!" - - G. J. CAYLEY, in _Comic Poets_. - - - Anybody amuses me for once. A new acquaintance - is like a new book. I prefer it, even if - bad, to a classic. - - _Lady Montfort_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Endymion_. - - - Now I hold it is not decent for a scientific gent - To say another is an ass,--at least, to all intent; - Nor should the individual who happens to be meant - Reply by heaving rocks at him to any great extent. - - BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. - - - Story of Edward Walpole, who, being told, one - day at the "Garrick," that the confectioners had - a way of discharging the ink from old parchment - by a chemical process, and then making the parchment - into isinglass for their jellies, said, "Then I find a man - may now eat his deeds as well as his words." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - What is the spell that 'twixt a saint and sinner - The diff'rence makes?--a sermon? Bah! a dinner. - - ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. - - - "I vent to the club this mornin', sir. There - vorn't no letters, sir." "Very good, Topping." - "How's missus, sir?" "Pretty well, Topping." - "Glad to hear it, sir. _My_ missus ain't very well, - sir." "No!" "No, sir, she's agoin', sir, to have a hincrease - werry soon, and it makes her nervous, sir; and - ven a young voman gets down at sich a time, sir, she - goes down werry deep, sir." To this sentiment I reply - affirmatively, and then he adds, as he stirs the fire (as if - he were thinking out loud), "Wot a mystery it is! Wot - a go is natur'!" - - CHARLES DICKENS, _apud_ J. T. FIELDS. - - - The most forlorn--what worms we are!-- - Would wish to finish this cigar - Before departing. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Mrs. Cadwallader says it is nonsense, people - going a long journey when they are married. - She says they get tired to death of each other, - and can't quarrel comfortably, as they would at home. - - _Celia Brooke_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Middlemarch_. - - - Some think that man from a monkey grew - By steps of long generation, - When, after many blunders, a few - Good hits were made in creation; - But I can't comprehend this at all; - Of blind groping forces - Though Darwin discourses, - I rather incline - To believe in design - With Plato, and Peter, and Paul. - - J. S. BLACKIE, _Musa Burschicosa_. - - - In a trial, where a German and his wife were giving - evidence, the former was asked by the counsel, - "How old are you?" "I am _dirty_." "And - what is your wife?" "Mine wife is _dirty-two_." "Then, - sir, you are a very nasty couple, and I wish to have - nothing further to say to either of you." - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - He'd better be apt with his pen - Than well-dressed, and well-booted and gloved, - Who likes to be liked by the men, - By the women who loves to be loved: - And Fashion full often has paid - Her good word in return for a gay word, - For a song in the manner of Praed, - Or an anecdote worthy of Hayward. - - G. O. TREVELYAN, _Ladies in Parliament_. - - - Oh, my Maria! Alas! she married another. They - frequently do. I hope she is happy--because I - am. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - Rise up, cold reverend, to a see; - Confound the unbeliever! - Yet ne'er 'neath thee my seat shall be - For ever and for ever. - - Preach, softly preach, in lawn and be - A comely, model liver, - But ne'er 'neath thee my seat shall be - For ever and for ever. - - And here shall sleep thy Alderman, - And here thy pauper shiver, - And here by thee shall buzz the "she," - For ever and for ever. - - A thousand men shall sneer at thee, - A thousand women quiver, - But ne'er 'neath thee my seat shall be - For ever and for ever. - - _The Shotover Papers._ - - - For people to live happily together, the real secret - is, that they should not live too much together. - - _Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_. - - - Lord Ellenborough's saying to a witness; - "Why, you are an industrious fellow; you must - have taken pains with yourself; no man was - ever _naturally_ so stupid." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - If you've a thousand a year or a minute; - If you're a D'Orsay, whom every one follows; - If you've a head (it don't matter what's in it) - Fair as Apollo's; - If you approve of flirtations, good dinners, - Seascapes divine which the merry winds whiten, - Nice little saints and still nicer young sinners,-- - Winter in Brighton! - - MORTIMER COLLINS. - - - He [Bagehot] used to say, banteringly, to his mother, - by way of putting her off at a time when she was - anxious for him to marry, "A man's mother is - his misfortune, but his wife is his fault!" - - R. H. HUTTON, _Memoir of W. Bagehot_. - - - _A LADY ON THE PRINCESSE DRESS._ - - My dress, you'll aver, is Economy's own, - Designed with most exquisite taste; - From zone unto hem, and from tucker to zone, - You can't find a vestige of _waist_! - - J. ASHBY STERRY, in _English Epigrams_. - - - Lord Palmerston, during his last attack of - gout, exclaimed, playfully, "_Die_, my dear - doctor! That's the _last_ thing I think of doing." - - J. C. JEAFFRESON, _About Lawyers_. - - - _ON POVERTY._ - - He who in his pocket has no money - Should, in his mouth, be never without honey. - - _Epigrams in Distich._ - - - Tavern--a house kept for those who are not - housekeepers. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - When the breakfast is spread, - When the topers are mellow, - When the foam of the bride-cake is white, and - the fierce orange-blossoms are yellow. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Phantasmagoria_. - - - On [one] occasion, at a concert, a very indifferent - tenor, who sang repeatedly out of tune, was indiscreet - enough to express his regret to Rossini - that he should have heard him for the first time in that - room, as, he complained, "Le plafond est si sourd." - Rossini raised his eyes to the abused ceiling, and simply - ejaculated, "Heureux plafond!" - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - If, sick of home and luxuries, - You want a new sensation, - And sigh for the unwonted ease - Of _un_accommodation,-- - If you would taste, as amateur, - And vagabond beginner, - The painful pleasures of the poor-- - Get up a picnic dinner. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - A country rector, coming up to preach at - Oxford in his turn, complained to Dr. Routh, - the venerable Principal of Maudlin, that the - remuneration was very inadequate, considering the - travelling expenses and the labour necessary for the - composition of the discourse. "How much did they - give you?" inquired Dr. Routh. "Only five pounds," - was the reply. "Only five pounds?" repeated the - doctor; "why, I would not have preached that sermon - for fifty!" - - _Life of Rev. W. Harness._ - - - Dey vented to de Voman's Righds, - Vere laties all agrees, - De gals should pe de voters, - And deir beaux all de votées. - "For efery man dat nefer vorks, - Von frau should vranchised pe: - Dat ish de vay I solf dis ding," - Said Breitmann, said he. - - C. G. LELAND, _Breitmann Ballads_. - - - There is nothing more universally commended - than a fine day; the reason is, that people can - commend it without envy. - - SHENSTONE, _Essays_. - - - Let the singing singers, - With vocal voices, most vociferous, - In sweet vociferation out-vociferize - Even sound itself. - - _Chrononhotonthologos_, in CAREY's farce. - - - Giving advice is, many times, only the privilege - of saying a foolish thing one's self, under pretence - of hindering another from doing one. - - POPE, _Thoughts on Various Subjects_. - - - Of pay or play may preach this knot-- - Of death or duns or love's devotion-- - I tied it yesterday, but what - It means, I've not the faintest notion. - - H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Pegasus Resaddled_. - - - _René._ Qu'est ce que c'est donc que les affaires, - Monsieur Giraud? - _Giraud._ Les affaires? c'est bien simple; c'est - l'argent des autres. - - DUMAS fils, _La Question d'Argent_. - - - Tous les méchants sont buveurs d'eau. - - COMTE DE SÉGUR. - - - Miss Pellingle commences "Rousseau's - Dream," with variations. Beautiful melody, by - itself first, clear and distinct. - - Now the air tries to break out between alternate notes, - like a prisoner behind bars. Then we have a variation - entirely bass. - - _Happy thought._--Rousseau snoring. - - Then a scampering up, a meeting with the right - hand, a scampering down, and a leap off one note into - space. Then both in the middle, wobbling; then down - into the bass again. - - _Happy thought._--Rousseau after a heavy supper. - - A plaintive variation.--Rousseau in pain. - - Light strain: Mazurka time.--Rousseau kicking in his - sleep. - - F. C. BURNAND, _Happy Thoughts_. - - - Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year, - Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear, - When Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs, - Impatiently begins to "dim her eyes!" - Compelled at last, in life's uncertain gloamings, - To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well-saved "combings," - Reduced with rouge, lip-salve, and pearly gray, - To "make up" for lost time, as best she may! - - _Lady Jane_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Patience_. - - - No coinage in circulation so fluctuates in value as - the worth of a marriageable man. - - LORD LYTTON, _What will he do with it?_ - - - _ANATHEMA IN EXCELSIS._ - - Creed of St. Anathasius? No, indeed. - Call it, good priests, the Anathemasian Creed. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - Mistrust all those who love you extremely upon - a very slight acquaintance, and without any - visible reason. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Maxims_. - - - _BENEVOLENT NEUTRALITY._ - - When man and wife at odds fall out, - Let Syntax be your tutor; - 'Twixt masculine and feminine, - What should one be but neuter? - - ANON. - - - MY friend the late Sam Phillips one day met Douglas - Jerrold, and told him he had seen, the day before, - Payne Collier looking wonderfully gay and - well--quite an evergreen. "Ah," said Jerrold, "he may - be evergreen, but he's never _read_." On my repeating - this to Hicks, he smiled and said, "Now that's what I - call 'ready wit.'" - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - One day, when conversing with [a] friend, something - was said on the subject of religious persecution, - on which [Whately] remarked, "It is no wonder - that some English people have a taste for persecuting on - account of religion, since it is the first lesson that most - are taught in their nurseries." His friend expressed his - incredulity, and denied that _he_, at least, had been taught - it. "Are you sure?" replied Dr. Whately. "What - think you of this-- - 'Old Daddy Longlegs _won't say his prayers_, - Take him by the left leg, and throw him downstairs'? - - If that is not religious persecution, what is?" - - E. J. WHATELY, _Life of Whately_. - - - _ON A PUBLIC-HOUSE._ - - Of this establishment how can we speak? - Its cheese is mity, and its ale is weak. - - ANON. - - - At a fête at Hatfield House, _tableaux vivants_ were - among the chief amusements, and scenes from - _Ivanhoe_ were among the selections. All the - parts were filled up but that of _Isaac of York_. Lady - Salisbury begged Lord Alvanley "to make the set complete, - by doing the Jew." "Anything in my power your - ladyship may demand," replied Alvanley; "but though - no man in England has tried oftener, I never could _do a - Jew_ in my life." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - There's nothing we read of in torture's inventions, - Like a well-meaning dunce with the best of intentions. - - J. R. LOWELL, _A Fable for Critics_. - - - _THE POPE._ - - Miss D., on her return to the Highlands of Scotland, - from Rome, went to see an auld Scottish - wife, and said, to interest the old woman, "I - have been to Rome since I saw you--I have seen all - sorts of great people--I have seen the Pope." The sympathetic - old dame replied with animation, "The Pope of - Rome!--Honest marn!--haze he ony family?" - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. - - - Nay, tempt me not, Arab, again to stay; - Since I crave neither _Echo_ nor _Fun_ to-day, - For thy _hand_ is not Echoless--there they are, - _Fun_, _Glowworm_, and _Echo_, and _Evening Star_: - And thou hintest withal that thou fain wouldst shine, - As I con them, these bulgy old boots of mine. - But I shrink from thee, Arab! Thou eat'st eel-pie, - Thou evermore hast at least one black eye; - There is brass on thy brow, and thy swarthy hues - Are due not to nature but handling shoes; - And the bit in thy mouth, I regret to see, - Is a bit of tobacco-pipe--Flee, child, flee! - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - The bulk of men in our days are just as immoral as - they were in Charles the Second's; the only - difference is that they are incomparably more - stupid, and that instead of decking their immorality with - the jewels of wit, they clumsily try to cover it with the - tarpaulin of respectability. - - _Mr. Luke_, in MALLOCK's _New Republic_. - - - _WHY WIVES MAKE NO WILLS._ - - Men dying make their wills, why cannot wives? - Because wives have their wills during their lives. - - R. HUGMAN (_circa_ 1628). - - - What the mischief do you suppose you want with a - post-office at Baldwin's Ranch? It would not - do you any good. If any letters came there, - you couldn't read them, you know; and besides, such - letters as ought to pass through, with money in them, for - other localities, would not be likely to _get_ through, you - must perceive at once; and that would make trouble for - us all. No; don't bother about a post-office at your - camp. What you want is a nice jail, you know--a nice, - substantial jail, and a free school. These will be a - lasting benefit to you. These will make you really contented - and happy. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - Nous avons tous assez de force pour supporter les - maux d'autrui. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - Rogers happened to ask Macaulay what he - thought of Miss Harriet Martineau's wonderful - cures by mesmerism. He said, with one of his - rare smiles, "Oh, it's all my eye, and Hetty Martineau!" - - LADY CHATTERTON, _Life_. - - - Tame is Virtue's school; - Paint, as more effective, - Villain, knave, and fool, - With always a Detective. - Hate for Love may sit; - Gloom will do for Gladness; - Banish Sense and Wit, - And dash in lots of Madness. - - Stir the broth about; - Keep the furnace glowing; - Soon we'll pour it out - In three bright volumes flowing. - Some may jeer and jibe: - _We_ know where the shop is, - Ready to subscribe - For a thousand copies! - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - Th' young men noo-a-days, they're poor squashy - things--the' looke well anoof, but the' woon't - wear, the' woon't wear. - - _"Mester" Ford_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Mr. Gilfil_. - - - "Where are the boys of my youth?" I assure you - this is not a conundrum. Some are amongst - you here--some in America--some are in - gaol. - - Hence arises a most touching question: "Where are - the girls of my youth?" Some are married--some - would like to be. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - Mark how the lorgnettes cautiously they raise - Lest points, no pose so thoughtless but displays, - A too quick curiosity should hide-- - For they who gaze must gazed-at be beside. - - ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. - - - I sent the book down to the Dean, from Saunders - and Otley's. Speaking of that firm, I don't know - whether I told you of young Sutton, Lord - Canterbury's son, calling there one day very angry, - because they had not sent him some books he had - ordered. He was, as usual, pretty warm, and so much - so that one of the partners could bear it no longer, and - told him as much. "I don't know who you are," was - the answer, "but I don't want to annoy you _personally_, - as you may not be the one in fault: it's your confounded - house that I blame. You may be Otley, or you may be - Saunders; if you are Saunders, d---- Otley; if you are - Otley, d---- Saunders. I mean nothing personal _to you_." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - Of all actions of a man's life, his marriage does - least concern other people, yet of all actions of - our life 'tis most meddled with by other people. - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - A grave and quiet man was he, - Who loved his book and rod,-- - So even ran his line of life - His neighbours thought it odd. - - He ne'er aspired to rank or wealth, - Nor cared about a name, - For though much famed for fish was he, - He never fished for fame! - - Let others bend their necks at sight - Of Fashion's gilded wheels, - He ne'er had learned the art to "bob" - For anything but eels! - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. - - - A little knowledge of the world is a very - dangerous thing, especially in literature. - - _Lord Montfort_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Endymion_. - - - Si les hommes ne se flattaient pas les uns les autres, - il n'y aurait guère de société. - - VAUVENARGUES, _Réflexions_. - - - The gravest aversion exists among bears - From rude forward persons who give themselves airs,-- - We know how some graceless young people were maul'd - For plaguing a Prophet, and calling him _bald_. - - Strange ursine devotion! their dancing-days ended, - Bears die to "remove" what, in life, they defended: - They succour'd the Prophet, and, since that affair, - The bald have a painful regard for the bear. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Heaven knows what would become of our sociality - if we never visited people we speak ill of; we - should live, like Egyptian hermits, in crowded - solitude. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Janet's Repentance_. - - - Methinks the older that one grows - Inclines us more to laugh than scold, though laughter - Leaves us so doubly serious shortly after. - - LORD BYRON, _Beppo_. - - - We ought never to contend for what we are not - likely to obtain. - - CARDINAL DE RETZ, _Memoirs_. - - - "I will never marry a woman who cannot carve," - said M----. "Why?" "Because she would - not be a help-meat for me." - - _Literary Gazette._ - - - Twinkle, twinkle, little bat! - How I wonder what you're at! - Up above the world you fly, - Like a tea-tray in the sky. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - We had for dinner, among other things, a ham which - was not well flavoured; and Mrs. Frederick - Mackenzie, who was annoyed about it, began - apologizing, and saying that Ellerton, the local grocer, - had sold it to her as something very excellent, and as a - genuine Westphalia. "Ah!" said Compton, "I cannot - determine precisely whether it is east or west, but it is a - _failure_ of some sort." - - R. B. CARTER, in _Memoir of H. Compton_. - - - One of the company asserting that he had seen a - pike caught, which weighed thirty-six pounds, - and was four feet in length,--"Had it been a - sole," said Harry [Sandford], "it would have surprised - me less, as Shakespeare tells us, 'All the _souls_ that are, - were _four feet_ (forfeit) once.'" - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - There is safety in numbers, especially in odd - numbers. The Three Graces never married, - neither did the Nine Muses. - - _Kenelm Chillingly_, in LORD LYTTON's novel. - - - _DISTICH._ - - There are three species of creatures who when - they seem coming are going, - When they seem going they come: Diplomats, - women, and crabs. - - JOHN HAY, _Poems_. - - - If a man might know - The ill he must undergo, - And shun it so, - Then were it good to know. - But if he undergo it, - Though he know it, - What boots him know it? - He must undergo it. - - SIR JOHN SUCKLING. - - - Barry Cornwall told me that when he and - Charles Lamb were once making up a dinner-party - together, Charles asked him not to invite - a certain lugubrious friend of theirs. "Because," said - Lamb, "he would cast a damper even over a funeral." - - J. T. FIELDS, _Yesterdays with Authors_. - - - L'amour plaît plus que le mariage, par la - raison que les romans sont plus amusants que - l'histoire. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - The farmers daughter hath frank blue eyes; - (_Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese_) - She hears the rooks caw in the windy skies, - As she sits at her lattice and shells her peas. - - The farmer's daughter hath ripe red lips; - (_Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese_) - If you try to approach her, away she skips - Over tables and chairs with apparent ease. - - The farmer's daughter hath soft brown hair; - (_Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese_) - And I met with a ballad, I can't say where, - Which wholly consisted of lines like these. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - Macready told a story of George B----, the - actor, who, it seems, was not popular in the profession, - being considered a sort of time-server: - "There goes Georgius," said some one. "Not Georgium - Sidus?" replied Keeley. "Yes," added Power, "Georgium - _Any_-sidus." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - I'm weary, and sick, and disgusted - With Britain's mechanical din; - Where I'm much too well known to be trusted, - And plaguily pestered for tin; - Where love has two eyes for your banker, - And one chilly flame for yourself; - Where souls can afford to be franker, - But where they're well garnished with pelf. - - I'm sick of the whole race of poets, - Emasculate, misty, and fine; - They brew their small beer, and don't know its - Distinction from full-bodied wine. - I'm sick of the prosers, that house up - At drowsy St. Stephen's--ain't you? - I want some strong spirits to rouse up - A good resolution or two! - - _Bon Gaultier Ballads_. - - - "On one occasion," said Brummell, "I called to - inquire after a young lady who had sprained - her ankle. Lewis, on being asked how she - was, had said in the black's presence, 'The doctor has - seen her, put her legs straight, and the poor chicken is - doing well.' The servant, therefore, told me, with a very - mysterious and knowing look, 'Oh, sir, the doctor has - been here; she has laid eggs, and she and the chickens - are doing well.'" - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - A Scottish clergyman had some years since - been cited before the Ecclesiastical Assembly - at Edinburgh, to answer to a charge brought - against him of great irreverence in religious matters, and - Sir Walter [Scott] was employed by him to arrange his - defence. The principal fact alleged against him was his - having asserted, in a letter which was produced, that "he - considered Pontius Pilate to be a very ill-used man, as - he had done more for Christianity than all the other _nine - Apostles_ put together." The fact was proved, and suspension - followed. - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - _ON DIDACTICS IN POETRY._ - - Parnassus' peaks still catch the sun; - But why--O lyric brother!-- - Why build a Pulpit on the one, - A Platform on the other? - - AUSTIN DOBSON, in _Latter-Day Lyrics_. - - - My old fellow-traveller in Germany, himself an Irishman, - being on the box of an Irish mail-coach on - a very cold day, and observing the driver enveloping - his neck in the voluminous folds of an ample - "comforter," remarked, "You seem to be taking very - good care of yourself, my friend." "Och, to be shure I - am, sir," answered the driver; "what's all the world to a - man when his wife's a widdy?" - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - ---- has nothing truly human about him; he can't - even yawn like a man. - - LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. - - - We are apt to be kinder to the brutes that love us - than to the women that love us. Is it because - the brutes are dumb? - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Adam Bede_. - - - A frontispiece of a new magazine, - With all the fashions which the last month wore, - Colour'd, and silver-paper leaved between - That and the title page, for fear the press - Should soil with parts of speech the parts of dress. - - LORD BYRON, _Beppo_. - - - "I wish to consult you upon a little project I - have formed," said a noodle to his friend. "I - have an idea in my head----" "Have you?" - interposed the friend, with a look of great surprise; - "then you shall have my opinion at once: _keep it there_!--it - may be some time before you get another." - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - On aime mieux dire du mal de soi-même que de - n'en point parler. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - And I said, "Why is this thus? What is the reason - of this thusness?" - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - _THEOLOGICAL HOROLOGY._ - - There's this to say about the Scotch, - So bother bannocks, braes, and birks, - They can't produce a decent watch, - For Calvinists despise good works. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - Dawson told a good story about the Irish landlord - counting out the change of a guinea. "12, - 13, 14" (a shot heard); "Bob, go and see who's - that that's killed; 15, 16, 17" (enter Bob). "It's Kelly, - sir." "Poor Captain Kelly, a very good customer of - mine; 18, 19, 20--there's your change, sir." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - Can this be Balbus, household word for all, - Whose earliest exploit was to build a wall: - Who, with a frankness that I'm sure must charm ye, - Declared it was all over with the army? - Can this be he who feasted, as 'twas said, - The town at forty sesterces a head? - But, while the thankless mob his bounty quaffed, - Historians add--that there were some who laughed. - - _Horace_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Horace at Athens_. - - - I should never like scolding any one else so - well; and that is a point to be thought of in a - husband. - - _Mary Garth_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Middlemarch_. - - - In Logic a woman may seldom excel; - But in Rhetoric always she bears off the bell. - Fair Portia will show woman's talent for law, - When in old Shylock's bond she could prove such a flaw. - She would blunder in physic no worse than the rest, - She could leave things to Nature as well as the best, - She could feel at your wrist, she could finger your fee; - Then why should a woman not get a degree? - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - _Quam parvâ sapientiâ regitur mundus._ Say rather, - _quam magnâ stultitiâ_. - - CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. - - - The padded corsage and the well-matched hair, - Judicious jupon spreading out the spare, - Sleeves well designed soft plumpness to impart, - Leave vacant still the hollows of the heart. - - ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. - - - A Tailor is partly an alchemist, for he extracteth - his own apparel out of other men's clothes. - - SIR THOMAS OVERBURY, _Characters_. - - - I am quite ashamed to take people into my garden, - and have them notice the absence of onions. In - onion is strength; and a garden without it lacks - flavour. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - Torbay had incurred a good deal of expense - To make him a Scotchman in every sense - But this is a matter, you'll readily own, - That isn't a question of tailors alone. - - A Sassenach chief may be bonily built, - He may purchase a sporran, a bonnet, and kilt, - Stick a skean in his hose--wear an acre of stripes-- - But he cannot assume an affection for pipes. - - W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_. - - - When you have found the master-passion of a man, - remember never to trust him where that passion - is concerned. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - _ON ONE WHO SPOKE LITTLE._ - - "I hardly ever ope my lips," one cries: - "Simonides, what think you of my rule?" - "If you're a fool, I think you're very wise; - If you are wise, I think you are a fool." - - R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_. - - - Nous aimons mieux voir ceux à qui nous faisons - du bien que ceux qui nous en font. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - _ALL SAINTS'_. - - In a church which is furnish'd with mullion and gable, - With altar and reredos, with gargoyle and groin, - The penitents' dresses are sealskin and sable, - The odour of sanctity's eau-de-Cologne. - But only could Lucifer, flying from Hades, - Gaze down on this crowd with its panniers and paints, - He would say, as he look'd at the lords and the ladies, - "Oh, where is All Sinners', if this is All Saints'?" - - EDMUND YATES. - - - If we are long absent from our friends, we forget - them; if we are constantly with them, we despise - them. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - A well-known _litterateur_, on seeing [Lady - Ruthven], after breakfast, feeding her pheasants - with crumbs and milk, exclaimed, "Ah! I see - your ladyship is preparing them _here_, for bread-sauce - _hereafter_." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - The second canto of the "Pleasures of Memory," - as published in the first edition, commenced - with the lines-- - "Sweet memory, wafted by thy gentle gale, - Oft up the tide of Time I turn my sail." - - [A] critic remarked on this passage that it suggested the - alliteration-- - "Oft up the tide of Time I turn my _tail_." - - ROGERS, _Table Talk_. - - - I like the man who makes a pun, - Or drops a deep remark; - I like philosophy or fun-- - A lecture or a lark; - But I despise the men who gloat - Inanely over anecdote. - - Ah me! I'd rather live alone - Upon a desert isle, - Without a voice except my own - To cheer me all the while, - Than dwell with men who learn by rote - Their paltry funds of anecdote. - - H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_. - - - No woman is too silly not to have a genius for - spite. - - ANNA C. STEELE. - - - That's what a man wants in a wife mostly; he - wants to make sure o' one fool as 'ull tell him - he's wise. - - _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - The characters of great and small - Come ready-made, we can't bespeak one; - Their sides are many, too,--and all - (Except ourselves) have got a weak one. - Some sanguine people love for life, - Some love their hobby till it flings them.-- - How many love a pretty wife - For love of the _éclat_ she brings them! - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Conscience, in most souls, is like an English - Sovereign--it reigns, but it does not govern. - Its function is merely to give a formal assent to - the Bills passed by the passions; and it knows, if it - opposes what those are really bent upon, that ten to one - it will be obliged to abdicate. - - _Leslie_, in MALLOCK's _New Republic_. - - - If you are pious (mild form of insanity), - Bow down and worship the mass of humanity. - Other religions are buried in mists; - We're our own Gods, say the Positivists. - - MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_. - - - We were sitting in the green-room one evening - during the performance, chatting and laughing, - she [Mrs. Nesbitt] having a book in her hand - which she had to take on the stage with her in the next - scene, when Brindal, a useful member of the company, - but not particularly remarkable for wit or humour, came - to the door, and, leaning against it, in a sentimental - manner drawled out,-- - "If to her share some female errors fall, - Look in her face----" - - He paused. She raised her beautiful eyes to him, and - consciously smiled--_her_ smile--in anticipation of the - well-known complimentary termination of the couplet, - when, with a deep sigh, he added-- - "----and you'll _believe_ them all!" - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - _THE MAIDENS._ - - Perhaps, O lovers, if we did our hair - _A la_ Medea, and if our garments were - Draped classically, we should seem more fair. - - - _THE YOUTHS._ - - By doing this ye would not us befool; - Medea! the idea makes our blood run cool; - Besides, of classics we'd enough at school. - - _Once a Week_. - - - Pledge me round, I bid ye declare, - All good fellows whose beards are grey, - Did not the fairest of the fair - Common grow and wearisome ere - Ever a month was passed away? - - The reddest lips that ever have kissed, - The brightest eyes that ever have shone, - May pray and whisper, and we not list, - Or look away, and never be missed, - Ere yet ever a month is gone. - - W. M. THACKERAY. - - - It was known that Lord St. Jerome gave at his - ball suppers the same champagne that he gave - at his dinners, and that was of the highest class: - in short, a patriot. We talk with wondering execration - of the great poisoners of past ages, the Borgias, the - inventor of Aqua tofana, and the amiable Marchioness - de Brinvilliers; but Pinto was of opinion that there - were more social poisoners about in the present day than - in the darkest and most demoralized periods, and then - none of them are punished; which is so strange, he - would add, as they are all found out. - - LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Lothair_. - - - Seared is, of course, my heart:--but unsubdued - Is, and shall be, my appetite for food. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_. - - - Sheil had learnt and forgotten the exordium of a - speech which began with the word "Necessity." - This word he had repeated three times, when - Sir Robert Peel broke in--"is not _always_ the mother of - invention." - - ABRAHAM HAYWARD, _Essays_. - - - _ON MR. FROUDE AND CANON KINGSLEY._ - - Froude informs the Scottish youth - Parsons have small regard for truth; - The Reverend Canon Kingsley cries - That History is a pack of lies. - What cause for judgment so malign? - A brief reflection solves the mystery: - Froude believes Kingsley a divine, - And Kingsley goes to Froude for history. - - ANON. - - - Dined with Sydney Smith. He said that his brother - Robert had, in King George III.'s time, translated - the motto, "_Libertas sub rege pio_," "The - pious king has got liberty under." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - _Landlord_: He's only a genus. - _Glavis_: A what? - _Landlord_: A genus!--a man who can do everything - in life except anything that's useful--that's a genus. - - LORD LYTTON, _The Lady of Lyons_. - - - First love is a pretty romance, - But not half so sweet as 'tis reckoned; - And when one wakes from the trance, - There's a vast stock of bliss in the second. - - And e'en should a second subside, - A lover should never despair; - The world is uncommonly wide, - And the women uncommonly fair. - - The poets their raptures may tell, - Who have never been put to the test; - A first love is all very well, - But, believe me, the last love's the best. - - MR. BERNAL. - - - I've nothing to say again' her piety, my dear; but - I know very well I shouldn't like her to cook - my victual. When a man comes in hungry an' - tired, piety won't feed him, I reckon. Hard carrots - 'ull lie heavy on his stomach, piety or no piety. It's - right enough to be speritial--I'm no enemy to that; but - I like my potatoes mealy. - - _Mrs. Linnet_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Janet's Repentance_. - - - Somehow, sitting cosily here, - I think of the sunny summertide hours, - When the what-do-you-call-'em warbles clear, - And the breezes blow--likewise the flowers. - - _Once a Week._ - - - A lawyer's brief will be brief, before a freethinker - thinks freely. - - _Guesses at Truth._ - - - Juxtaposition, in fine; and what is juxtaposition? - Look you, we travel along in the railway, carriage or steamer, - And, _pour passer le temps_, till the tedious journey be ended, - Lay aside paper or book, to talk to the girl who is next one; - And, _pour passer le temps_, with the terminus all but in prospect, - Talk of eternal ties and marriages made in heaven. - - _Claude_, in CLOUGH's _Amours de Voyage_. - - - We measure the excellency of other men by some - excellency we conceive to be in ourselves. - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - Oh! spare those Gardens where the leafy glade - Prompts the proposal dalliance delayed; - Where tear-dewed lids, choked utterance, sobs suppressed, - Tear the confession from a doubting breast; - Whence they, who vainly haunted rout and ride, - Emerge triumphant from a suitor's side. - - ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. - - - They have queer hotels in Oregon. I remember - one where they gave me a bag of oats for a - pillow. I had night mares, of course. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - The man who would Charybdis shun - Must make a cautious movement, - Or else he'll into Scylla run-- - Which would be no improvement. - The fish that left the frying-pan, - On feeling that desire, sir, - Took little by their change of plan, - When floundering in the fire, sir. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - The flattery which is most pleasing to really beautiful - or decidedly ugly women is that which is - addressed to the intellect. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - Johnson's folly--to be candid--was a wild desire to treat - Every able male white citizen he met upon the street; - And there being several thousand--but this subject why pursue? - 'Tis with Perkins, and not Johnson, that to-day we have to do. - - BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. - - - Good little girls ought not to make mouths at - their teachers for every trifling offence. This - kind of retaliation should only be resorted to - under peculiarly aggravating circumstances. - - If you have nothing but a rag-doll stuffed with sawdust, - while one of your more fortunate little playmates - has a costly china one, you should treat her with a show - of kindness nevertheless. And you ought not to attempt - to make a forcible swap with her, unless your conscience - would justify you in it, and you know you are able to - do it. - - If your mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to - reply that you won't. It is better and more becoming - to intimate that you will do as she bids you, and then - afterwards act quietly in the matter according to the - dictates of your better judgment. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - We count mankind, and keep our census still, - We count the stars that populate the night; - But who, with all his computation, can - Con catty nations right? - - R. H. NEWELL, _Orpheus C. Kerr Papers_. - - - I think it was Jekyll who used to say that "the - further he went West, the more convinced he - was that the wise men did come from the East." - - SYDNEY SMITH, _Life and Letters_. - - - Ce qui nous empêche souvent de nous abandonner - à un seul vice est que nous en avons plusieurs. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - I have observed that if people's vanity is pleased, - they live well enough together. Offended vanity - is the great separator. - - _Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_. - - - _ON EDINBURGH._ - - Pompous the boast, and yet a truth it speaks: - A "Modern Athens"--fit for modern Greeks. - - JAMES HANNAY, _Sketches and Characters_. - - - Lord Andover, a very fat man, was greatly - plagued at a fancy bazaar to buy some trifle or - other from the ladies' stalls. At length he rather - rudely said, "I am like the Prodigal Son, persecuted by - ladies." "No, no," retorted Mrs. ----, "say, rather, the - fatted calf." - - B. R. HAYDON, _Diary_. - - - A quiet conscience makes one so serene! - Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded, - That all the Apostles would have done as they did. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - "Were you born in wedlock?" asked a counsel of - a witness. "No, sir, in Devonshire," was the - reply. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - Evanson, in his "Dissonance of the Gospels," - thinks Luke is most worthy of credence. P---- - said that Evanson was a _luke_-warm Christian. - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - _ONE FOR HIM._ - - Reading the paper Laura sat, - "Greenwich _mean_ time, mamma, what's that?" - "My love, it's when your stingy Pa - Won't take us to the Trafalgàr." - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - I was once as desperately in love as you are now. - I adored, and was rejected. "You are in love - with certain attributes," said the lady. "Damn - your attributes, madam," said I; "I know nothing of - attributes." "Sir," she said, with dignity, "you have - been drinking." So we parted. She was married afterwards - to another, who knew something about attributes, - I suppose. I have seen her once, and only once. She - had a baby in a yellow gown. I hate a baby in a yellow - gown! - - _Berkley_, in LONGFELLOW's _Hyperion_. - - - A man has generally the good or ill qualities which - he attributes to mankind. - - SHENSTONE, _Essays_. - - - How doth the little crocodile - Improve his shining tail, - And pour the waters of the Nile - On every shining scale! - - How cheerfully he seems to grin, - How neatly spreads his claws, - And welcomes little fishes in - With gently smiling jaws! - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - _Apropos_ of cutlets, I once called upon an old - lady, who pressed me so urgently to stay and - dine with her that, as I had no engagement, I - could not refuse. On sitting down, the servant uncovered - a dish which contained two mutton chops; and - my old friend said, "Mr. Hook, you see your dinner." - "Thank you, ma'am," said I; "but where is yours?" - - THEODORE HOOK, _apud_ PLANCHÉ. - - - In all distresses of our friends, - We first consult our private ends; - While nature, kindly bent to ease us, - Points out some circumstance to please us. - - SWIFT, _Verses on his own Death_. - - - On ne donne rien si libéralement que ses conseils. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions._ - - - _A NUTSHELL NOVEL._ - - FOR A MINIATURE MUDIE. - - VOL. I. - - A winning wile, - A sunny smile, - A feather: - A tiny talk, - A pleasant walk, - Together! - - VOL. II. - - A little doubt, - A playful pout, - Capricious: - A merry miss, - A stolen kiss, - Delicious!! - - VOL. III. - - You ask mamma, - Consult papa, - With pleasure: - And both repent - This rash event, - At leisure!!! - - J. ASHBY STERRY, _Boudoir Ballads_. - - - Woman consoles us, it is true, while we are young - and handsome! When we are old and ugly, - woman snubs and scolds us. - - LORD LYTTON, _What will he do with it?_ - - - La société est composée de deux grandes classes: - ceux qui ont plus de dîners que d'appétit, et - ceux qui ont plus d'appétit que de dîners. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - Has she wedded some gigantic shrimper, - That sweet mite with whom I loved to play? - Is she girt with babes that whine and whimper, - That bright being who was always gay? - - Yes--she has at least a dozen wee things! - Yes--I see her darning corduroys, - Scouring floors, and setting out the tea-things, - For a howling herd of hungry boys. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - "You may report to your Government that the - British youth of the present day, hot from the - University, are very often prigs." - - "Most certainly I will," said Mr. Wog; "the last - word, however, is one with which I am not acquainted." - - "It is an old English term for profound thinker," I - replied. - - L. OLIPHANT, _Piccadilly_. - - - Woman takes the lead in all the departments, - leaving us politics only. While we are being - amused by the ballot, woman is quietly taking - things into her own hands. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - Would it were wind and wave alone! - The terrors of the torrid zone, - The indiscriminate cyclone, - A man might parry; - But only faith, or "triple brass," - Can help the "outward-bound" to pass - Safe through that eastward-faring class - Who sail to marry. - - For him fond mothers, stout and fair, - Ascend the tortuous cabin stair - Only to hold around his chair - Insidious sessions; - For him the eyes of daughters droop - Across the plate of handed soup, - Suggesting seats upon the poop, - And soft confessions. - - AUSTIN DOBSON, _Vignettes in Rhyme_. - - - It's poor work allays settin' the dead above the - livin'. It 'ud be better if folks 'ud make much - of us beforehand, isted o' beginnin' when we're - gone. - - _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - The authoress of the "Wild Irish Girl," Lady - Morgan, justly proud of her gifted sister Olivia, - was in the habit of addressing every new-comer - with, "I must make you acquainted with my Livy." She - once used this form of words to a gentleman who had - just been worsted in an encounter of wits with the lady - in question. "Yes, ma'am," was the reply; "I happen - to know your _Livy_, and I would to Heaven your _Livy_ - was _Tacitus_." - - LORD ALBEMARLE, _Fifty Years of my Life._ - - - "Rise with the lark, and with the lark to bed," - Observes some solemn, sentimental owl; - Maxims like these are very cheaply said; - But e'er you make yourself a fool or fowl, - Pray just inquire about his rise and fall, - And whether larks have any bed at all! - - The "time for honest folks to be in bed" - Is in the morning, if I reason right; - And he who cannot keep his precious head - Upon its pillow till it's fairly light, - And so enjoy his forty morning winks, - Is up to knavery; or else--he drinks! - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems._ - - - _A Popular Man._--One who is so boldly vulgar - that the timidly vulgar admire him. - - ANNE EVANS, _Poems and Music._ - - - We can't for a certainty tell - What mirth may molest us on Monday; - But, at least, to begin the week well, - Let us all be unhappy on Sunday. - - These gardens, their walks and green bowers, - Might be free to the poor man for one day; - But no, the glad plants and gay flowers - Mustn't bloom or smell sweetly on Sunday. - - Abroad we forbid folks to roam - For fear they get social or frisky; - But of course they can sit still at home, - And get dismally drunk upon whiskey. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - La haine des faibles n'est pas si dangereuse que - leur amitié. - - VAUVENARGUES, _Réflexions_. - - - To Matthew Arnold we must go to put us in the right, sir, - About his elevating scheme of "sweetness" and of "light," sir, - Which some folks say will one fine day achieve a marked ascendancy, - Though "Providence" it waters down into a "stream of tendency." - - F. D., in _Pall Mall Gazette_. - - - Chambermaids use up more hair-oil than any - six men. If charged with purloining the same, - they lie about it. What do they care about a - hereafter? Absolutely nothing. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - When sorely tempted to purloin - Your _pietà_ of Marc Antoine, - Fair virtue doth fair play enjoin, - Fair Virtuoso! - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - No man can be wise on an empty stomach. - - _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - All tragedies are finished by a death, - All comedies are ended by a marriage; - The future states of both are left to faith, - For authors fear description might disparage - The worlds to come of both, or fall beneath. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - The Bailli de Ferrette was always dressed in knee-breeches, - with a cocked hat and sword, the - slender proportions of which greatly resembled - those of his legs. "Do tell me, my dear Bailli," said - Montrond one day, "have you got three legs or three - swords?" - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - A Mexican lady's hair never curls--it's as straight - as an Indian's. Some people's hair won't curl - under any circumstances. My hair won't curl - under two shillings. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - I've read the poets of our land, - Who sing of beauty and of love, - Who rave about a dimpled hand, - And write sweet sonnets on a glove. - But sweeter far than maiden's kiss, - And fairer far than Jouvin's best, - Is one red-labelled quart, I wis, - With Bass's well-known mark imprest. - - And years may come, and years may go, - And fortune change as fortune will, - But may my Burton fountain flow, - In shade and sunshine clearly still, - And till life's night is closing grey, - My heart shall ever hold most dear - The liquor that I sing to-day-- - My childhood's friend! my Bass's beer! - - H. SAVILE CLARKE. - - - Women are much more like each other than men; - they have, in truth, but two passions: vanity and - love: these are their universal characteristics. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - "After all, are not women necessary to your - happiness?" - - "Alas!" sighed Maximilian, "it is but too - true. But women have unfortunately only one way of - making us happy, whilst they have thirty thousand - different modes of rendering us miserable." - - HEINRICH HEINE, _The Florentine Nights_. - - - I love you! ay! it seems absurd, - Altho' to prove it I was sedulous; - The _ink_ is _black_ that writes the word, - Yet you will read it all _inc-red_-ulous. - Where was my sense, once so acute, - To dream myself a hopeful suitor? - I should have been much more _astute_; - I came to you, you know, _as tutor_! - My passion on an instant grew-- - (Spontaneous love is scarce a crime!). - How swift those early minutes flew! - And, _odd_ to say, 'twas _even_-time! - Maddened with love, I penned a note, - And placed it where 'twould catch your sight; - Alas for me! but when I _wrote_, - Of course I thought that I _did right_! - - ROBERT REECE, in _Comic Poets_. - - - The most dreadful thing against women is the - character of the men that praise them. - - LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. - - - There's one Thomas Buckle, a London youth, - Who taught that the world was blind - Till he was born to proclaim the truth, - That matter is moulder of mind; - But I really can't fancy at all - How wheat, rice, and barley, - Made Dick, Tom, and Charlie - So tidy and trim, - Without help from Him - Who was preached both by Plato and Paul. - - J. S. BLACKIE, _Musa Burschicosa_. - - - Sheridan's answer to Lord Lauderdale was excellent, - on the latter saying he would repeat - some good thing I had mentioned to him: - "Pray don't, my dear Lauderdale; a joke in your mouth - is no laughing matter." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - Do you know why the rabbits are caught in the snare, - Or the tabby cat's shot on the tiles? - Why the tigers and lions creep out of their lair? - Why an ostrich will travel for miles? - Do you know why a sane man will whimper and cry, - And weep o'er a ribbon or glove? - Why a cook will put sugar for salt in a pie? - Do you know? Well, I'll tell you--it's Love. - - _Flapper_, in H. P. STEPHENS's _Billee Taylor_. - - - I remember Curran once--in an action for - breach of promise of marriage, in which he was - counsel for the defendant, a young clergyman--thus - appealing to the jury: "Gentlemen, I entreat of - you not to ruin this young man by a vindictive verdict, - for though he has talents, and is in the Church, he may - rise!" - - PHILLIPS, _Life of Curran_. - - - There are female women, and there are male - women. - - CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. - - - I own fair faces not more fair - In Ettrick than in Portman Square, - And silly danglers just as silly - In Sherwood, as in Piccadilly. - - W. M. PRAED. - - - I heard an anecdote at Oxford, of a porter encountering - on his rounds two undergraduates, - who were without their gowns, or out of bounds, - or out of hours. He challenged one: "Your name and - college?" They were given. Turning to the other: "And - pray, sir, what might your name be?" "Julius Cæsar," - was the reply. "What, sir, do you mean to say your - name is Julius Cæsar?" "Sir, you did not ask me what - it is, but what it _might_ be." - - W. H. HARRISON, _Reminiscences_. - - - I always can tell a - Preoccupied man by his tumbled umbrella. - - _Lady Matilda_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Ladies in Parliament_. - - - Talking of Doctor [Parr's] illegible manuscript, - "Ay," said [Basil Montagu], "his letters are - illegible, except they contain a commission or an - announcement that he is coming to see you, and then no - man can write plainer." - - MISS MITFORD, _Life and Letters_. - - - I never nursed a dear gazelle; - But I was given a parroquet-- - (How I did nurse him if unwell!) - He's imbecile, but lingers yet. - He's green, with an enchanting tuft; - He melts me with his small black eye; - He'd look inimitable stuff'd, - And knows it--but he will not die! - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - Some reformer was clamouring for the expulsion - of the Bishops from the House of Lords, but - said he would not have them all go; he would - leave two. "To keep up the breed, I suppose," said - Alvanley. - - CHARLES GREVILLE, _Diary_. - - - You women regard men just as you buy books--you - never care about what is in them, but how - they are bound and lettered. - - _Damas_, in LORD LYTTON's _Lady of Lyons_. - - - _EPITAPH ON LORD L----._ - - Here lies L.'s body, from his soul asunder: - He once was on the turf, and now is _under_. - - SCROPE DAVIES, _apud_ MOORE. - - - _A SUITABLE BRIDE._ - - My friend Admiral E. E., shortly after his return - from a cruise, met an old acquaintance in the - streets of ----, who said, after the usual salutations - had passed, "They telt me, Admiral, that ye had - got married." The Admiral, hoping for a compliment, - replied, "Why, Bailie, I am getting on; I'm not so young - as I was, you see, and none of the girls will have me." - On which the Bailie, with perfect good faith and simplicity, - replied, "'Deed, Admiral, I was na evenin' yer to - a lassie, but there's mony a fine, respeckit, _half-worn_ - wumman wad be glad to tak ye." - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. - - - _ON THE WORKS OF THE LAKE POETS._ - - They come from the Lakes--an appropriate quarter - For poems diluted with plenty of water. - - REV. HENRY TOWNSHEND. - - - And I whispered, "I guess - The sweet secret thou keepest, - And the dainty distress - That thou wistfully weepest; - And the question is, 'Licence or banns?' though undoubtedly - banns are the cheapest." - - Then her white hand I clasped, - And with kisses I crowned it. - But she glared and she gasped, - And she muttered, "Confound it!" - Or at least it was something like that, but the noise of - the omnibus drowned it. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Phantasmagoria_. - - - It was Lady Cork who had originated the idea that, - after all, heaven would perhaps turn out very - dull to her _when she got there; sitting on damp - clouds_, and _singing "God save the King,"_ being her idea - of the principal amusements there. - - FANNY KEMBLE, _Record of a Girlhood_. - - - _ON FEMININE TALKATIVENESS._ - - How wisely Nature, ordering all below, - Forbade a beard on woman's chin to grow! - For how could she be shaved, whate'er the skill, - Whose tongue would never let her chin be still? - - ANON. - - - When Tennyson entered the Oxford Theatre to - receive his honorary degree of D.C.L., his locks - hanging in admired disorder on his shoulders, - dishevelled and unkempt, a voice from the gallery was - heard crying out to him, "Did your mother call you - early, dear?" - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - "Ha! ha!" he said, "you loathe your ways, - You writhe at these my words of warning, - In agony your hands you raise!" - (And so they did, for they were yawning.) - - "Ho! ho!" he cries, "you bow your crests-- - My eloquence has set you weeping; - In shame you bend upon your breasts!" - (And so they did, for they were sleeping.) - - W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_. - - - You may safely flatter any woman, from her understanding - down to the exquisite taste of her fan. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - _ON LADIES' ACCOMPLISHMENTS._ - - Your dressing, dancing, gadding, where's the good in? - Sweet lady, tell me--can you make a pudding? - - _Epigrams in Distich._ - - - Lord Braxfield, at whist, exclaimed to a lady - with whom he was playing, "What are ye doing, - ye damned auld ----?" and then, recollecting - himself, "Your pardon's begged, madam; I took ye for - my ain wife." - - LORD MACAULAY, _Life_. - - - Then life was thornless to our ken, - And, Bramble-Rise, thy hills were then - A rise without a bramble. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - John Hamilton Reynolds was specially - distinguished for the aptness of his quotations. - Finding him one day lunching at the Garrick, - I asked him if the beef he was eating was good. "It - would have been," he answered, "if damned custom had - not _brazed_ it so." - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - While spending an evening at [Mendelssohn's] - house, a note, with a ticket enclosed, was put in - my hands. The note ran thus: "The Directors - of the Leipzig Concerts beg leave to present to Mr. - _Shurely_ a ticket of the concert of to-morrow." Whereupon - Mendelssohn ran to the pianoforte, and immediately - began to play the subject from the chorus of the "Messiah," - "_Surely_ he hath borne," etc. - - H. F. CHORLEY, _Life_. - - - Fhairshon had a son, - Who married Noah's daughter, - And nearly spoilt ta flood, - By trinking up ta water: - Which he would have done, - I at least believe it, - Had ta mixture peen - Only half Glenlivet. - - _Bon Gaultier Ballads._ - - - After the execution of the eighteen malefactors - [in 1787], a female was bawling an account of - them, but called them nineteen. A gentleman - said to her, "Why do you say nineteen? There were - but eighteen hanged." She replied, "Sir, I did not know - you had been reprieved." - - HORACE WALPOLE, _Correspondence_. - - - _ON THE MARRIAGE OF JOB WALL AND MARY BEST._ - - Job, wanting a partner, thought he'd be blest, - If, of all womankind, he selected the Best; - For, said he, of all evils that compass the globe, - A bad wife would most try the patience of Job. - The Best, then, he chose, and made bone of his bone, - Though 'twas clear to his friends she'd be Best left alone; - For, though Best of her sex, she's the weakest of all, - If it's true that the weakest must go to the Wall. - - HICKS, _apud_ J. C. YOUNG. - - - La vertu des femmes est peut-être une question du - tempérament. - - BALZAC, _Physiologie du Mariage_. - - - _ON ONE STEALING A POUND OF CANDLES._ - - Light-fingered Catch, to keep his hands in ure, - Stole anything,--of this you may be sure, - That he thinks all his own that once he handles,-- - For practice' sake did steal a pound of candles; - Was taken in the act:--oh, foolish wight! - To steal such things as needs must come to light! - - _A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727). - - - At Hook's, one day the conversation turned on the - Duke of Cumberland, and a question asked who - he married. "Don't you know?" said Cannon; - "the Princess de _Psalms_ (Salms),--good enough for - _Hymn_ (him)." - - W. JERDAN, _Memoirs_. - - - For me, I neither know nor care - Whether a parson ought to wear - A black dress or a white dress; - Fill'd with a trouble of my own-- - A wife who preaches in her gown, - And lectures in her night-dress! - - THOMAS HOOD. - - - Madame de ---- having said, in her intense - style, "I should like to be married in _English_, - in a language in which vows are so faithfully - kept," some one asked Frere, "What language, I wonder, - was _she_ married in?" "_Broken_ English, I suppose," answered - Frere. - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - Your magpies and stock-doves may flirt among trees, - And chatter their transports in groves, if they please; - But a house is much more to my taste than a tree, - And for groves, O! a good grove of chimneys for me. - - CHARLES MORRIS, _Lyra Urbanica_. - - - Again they asked me to marry them, and again I - declined, when they cried,--"Oh, cruel man! - This is too much--too much!" I told them - that it was on account of the muchness that I declined. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - On one of the country gentlemen saying in Parliament, - "We must return to the food of our ancestors," - somebody asked, "What food does he - mean?" "Thistles, I suppose," said Tierney. - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - Maidens then were innocent, - Blushing at a compliment, - Or a gaze. - But a blush a vanish'd grace is, - For young ladies paint their faces - Now-a-days, - - Black their eyelids till they stare, - Wash with soda, till their hair - Looks like maize; - 'Tis the fashion to be blonde - _À la mode du demi-monde_ - Now-a-days. - - J. JEMMETT BROWNE, _Songs of Many Seasons_. - - - [Lady Charlotte Lindsay] said she had - "sprained her ankle so often, and been told - that it was worse than breaking her leg, that - she said she had come to look upon a broken leg as a - positive advantage." - - LORD HOUGHTON, _Monographs_. - - - Blows are sarcasms turned stupid. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Felix Holt_. - - - They grieved for those who perished with the cutter, - And also for the biscuit-casks and butter. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - Social arrangements are awful miscarriages; - Cause of all crime is our system of marriages. - Poets with sonnets, and lovers with trysts, - Kindle the ire of the Positivists. - - Husbands and wives should be all one community: - Exquisite freedom with absolute unity. - Wedding-rings worse are than manacled wrists-- - Such is the creed of the Positivists. - - MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_. - - - Fox, whose pecuniary embarrassments were universally - recognized, being attacked by a severe - indisposition, which confined him to his apartment, - Dudley frequently visited him. In the course of - conversation, Fox, alluding to his complaints, remarked - that he was compelled to observe much regularity in his - diet and hours; adding, "I live by rule, like clockwork." - "Yes," replied Dudley; "I suppose you mean you go - by _tick, tick, tick_." - - SIR NATHANIEL WRAXALL, _Memoirs_. - - - _PROBATUM EST._ - - One loss has a companion always. _Semper_, - When people lose their train, they lose their temper. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - Working by the hour tends to make one moral. - A plumber working by the job, trying to unscrew - a rusty, refractory nut, in a cramped position, where - the tongs continually slipped off, would swear; but I - never heard one of them swear, or exhibit the least - impatience at such a vexation, working by the hour. - Nothing can move a man who is paid by the hour. How - sweet the flight of time seems to his calm mind! - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - It greets me in my festal hours, - It brings my gloom relief; - It sprinkles life with loveliest flowers - And plucks the sting from grief. - I'd smile at poverty and pain; - I'd welcome death with glee-- - If to the last I might retain - My own--my upper G! - - H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_. - - - "Milton Perkins," said the Siren, "not thy wealth do I admire, - But the intellect that flashes from those eyes of opal fire; - And methinks the name thou bearest cannot surely be misplaced; - And--embrace me, Mister Perkins!" Milton Perkins her embraced. - - BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. - - - Truth-vendors and medicine-vendors usually - recommend swallowing. When a man sees his - livelihood in a pill or a proposition, he likes to - have orders for the dose, and not curious inquiries. - - _Felix Holt_, in GEORGE ELIOT's novel. - - - Stuart Mill on Mind and Matter - All our old Beliefs would scatter: - Stuart Mill exerts his skill - To make an end of Mind and Matter. - - But had I skill, like Stuart Mill, - His own position I could shatter: - The weight of Mill I count as Nil-- - If Mill has neither Mind nor Matter. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - "And how many hours a day did you do lessons?" - said Alice. - "Ten hours the first day," said the Mock - Turtle; "nine the next, and so on." - "What a curious plan!" exclaimed Alice. - "That's the reason they're called lessons," the Gryphon - remarked "because they lessen from day to day." - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - Quiconque n'a pas de caractère n'est pas un - homme: c'est une chose. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - It's hard work to tell which is Old Harry when - everybody's got boots on. - - _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - I want you to come and pass sentence - On two or three books with a plot; - Of course you know "Janet's Repentance"? - I'm reading Sir _Waverley_ Scott, - The story of Edgar and Lucy, - How thrilling, romantic, and true! - The Master (his bride was a _goosey_!) - Reminds me of you. - - They tell me Cockayne has been crowning - A poet whose garland endures: - It was you who first spouted me Browning-- - That stupid old Browning of yours! - His vogue and his verve are alarming; - I'm anxious to give him his due, - But, Fred, he's not nearly so charming - A poet as you! - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Joseph Gillon was a Writer to the Signet. Calling - on him one day in his writing office, Sir Walter - Scott said, "Why, Joseph, this place is as hot as - an oven." "Well," quoth Gillon, "and isn't it here that - I make my bread?" - - LOCKHART, _Life of Scott_. - - - Forever! 'tis a single word! - Our rude forefathers deem'd it two; - Can you imagine so absurd - A view? - Forever! what abysms of woe - The word reveals, what frenzy, what - Despair! For ever (printed so) - Did not. - And nevermore must printer do - As men did longago; but run - "For" into "ever," bidding two - Be one. - Forever! passion-fraught, it throws - O'er the dim page a gloom, a glamour: - It's sweet, it's strange, and I suppose - It's grammar. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - Walking down St. James's Street, Lord Chelmsford - was accosted by a stranger, who exclaimed, - "Mr. Birch, I believe?" "If you believe that, - sir, you'll believe anything," replied the ex-chancellor, as - he passed on. - - BERKELEY, _Life and Recollections_. - - - You snared me, Rose, with ribbons, - Your rose-mouth made me thrall. - Brief--briefer far than Gibbon's, - Was my "Decline and Fall." - - AUSTIN DOBSON, _Vignettes in Rhyme_. - - - The reason we dislike vanity in others is because - it is perpetually hurting our own. - - LORD LYTTON's _Pelham_. - - - Then nymphs had bluer eyes than hose, - England then measured men by blows, - And measured time by candles. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - A woman's choice usually means taking the only - man she can get. - - _Mrs. Cadwallader_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Middlemarch_. - - - To charm the girls he never spoke-- - Although his voice was fine; - He found the most convenient way - Was just to drop a line. - - And many a gudgeon of the pond, - If they could speak to-day, - Would own, with grief, this angler had - A mighty "taking" way. - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. - - - I am always afraid of a fool: one cannot be sure - that he is not a knave as well. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - The people is much given to stoning its prophets - that it may worship their reliques with the greater - fervency: dogs that bark at us to-day lick our - bones to-morrow with true canine fidelity. - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Ludwig Beorne_. - - - Money makes a man laugh. A blind fiddler - playing to a company, and playing but scurvily, - the company laughed at him. His boy that led - him, perceiving it, cried, "Father, let us begone; they - do nothing but laugh at you." "Hold peace, boy," said - the fiddler; "we shall have their money presently, and - then we will laugh at them." - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - In candent ire the solar splendour flames; - The foles, languescent, pend from arid rames; - His humid front the cive, anheling, wipes, - And dreams of erring on ventiferous ripes. - - How dulce to vive occult from mortal eyes, - Dorm on the herb with none to supervise, - Carp the suave berries from the crescent vine, - And bibe the flow from longicaudate kine! - - Me wretched! Let me curr to quercine shades! - Effund your albid hausts, lactiferous maids! - Oh, might I vole to some umbrageous clump,-- - Depart--be off--exude--evade--erump! - - OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. - - - He slaps me gently on the back. He's stopped too - long in the wine-cellar. A little tasting is a - dangerous thing. - - F. C. BURNAND, _Happy Thoughts_. - - - _THE MAIDENS._ - - Lovers, we pray you, gaining our consents, - Let us, too, have _our_ mediæval bents; - Give us, for cricket matches, tournaments. - - - _THE WIDOWERS._ - - We are stout, nor will uncomfortably truss - Our arms and legs, like fowls; no jousts for us; - In armour we should look ridiculous. - - - _THE FATHERS._ - - Of money, tournaments would cost a heap; - Humour your sweethearts, sons, with something cheap; - But look to settlements before you leap. - - _Once a Week._ - - - He [Samuel Beazley] suffered considerably a short - time before his decease, and, his usual spirits - occasionally forsaking him, he one day wrote - so melancholy a letter that the friend to whom it was - addressed, observed, in his reply, that it was "like the - first chapter of Jeremiah." "You are mistaken, my - dear fellow," retorted the wit; "it is the last chapter of - Samuel." - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - No one can perceive, as I'm a sinner, - A very marked improvement in the dinner. - We still consume, with mingled shame and grief, - Veal that is tottering on the verge of beef, - Veal void of stuffing, widowed of its ham, - Or the roast shoulder of an ancient ram. - - _Decius Mus_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Horace at Athens_. - - - "As for that," said Waldershare, "sensible men are - all of the same religion." - "And pray what is that?" inquired the - prince. - "Sensible men never tell." - - LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Endymion_. - - - _ON AN OLD LOVE._ - - Upon the cabin stairs we met, the voyage nearly over; - You leant upon his arm, my pet, from Calais unto Dover! - And _he_ is looking very glad, tho' I am feeling sadder, - That _I'm_ not your companion-lad on that companion-ladder! - - J. ASHBY STERRY, in _English Epigrams_. - - - It strikes me that one mother-in-law is about - enough to have in a family--unless you're very - fond of excitement. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - "Come here, my boy, hould up your head, - And look like a jintleman, sir; - Jist tell me who King Jonah was; - Now tell me, if you can, sir." - "King Jonah was the strongest man - That ever wore a crown, sir; - For though the whale did swallow him, - It couldn't keep him down, sir." - - "You're right, my boy, hould up your head, - And look like a jintleman, sir; - Just tell me who that Moses was; - Now tell me, if you can, sir." - "Shure Moses was the Christian name - Of good King Pharaoh's daughter; - She was a milkmaid, and she took - A _profit_ from the water." - - J. A. SIDEY, _Mistura Curiosa_. - - - A little incident Charlotte Cushman once related - to me. She said a man in the gallery of - a theatre made such a disturbance that the play - could not proceed. Cries of "Throw him over" arose - from all parts of the house, and the noise became furious. - All was tumultuous above until a sweet and gentle female - voice was heard in the pit, exclaiming, "No! I pray - you, don't throw him over! I beg of you, dear friends, - don't throw him over, but--_kill him where he is_." - - J. T. FIELDS, _Yesterdays with Authors_. - - - With all his conscience and one eye askew, - So false, he partly took himself for true; - Whose pious talk, when most his heart was dry, - Made wet the crafty crowsfoot round his eye; - Who, never naming God except for gain, - So never took that useful name in vain; - Made Him his catspaw and the Cross his tool, - And Christ the bait to trap his dupe and fool; - Nor deeds of gift, but deeds of grace he forged, - And snake-like slimed his victim ere he gorged; - And oft at Bible meetings, o'er the rest - Arising, did his holy oily best, - Dropping the too rough H in Hell and Heaven, - To spread the Word by which himself had thriven. - - ALFRED TENNYSON, _Sea Dreams_. - - - Please the eyes and the ears, they will introduce - you to the heart, and, nine times in ten, - the heart governs the understanding. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - The cup with trembling hands he grasps, - Close to his thirsty lips he clasps, - Ringed with its pewter rim--he gasps. - - The eddying floor beneath him crawls, - He clutches at the flying walls, - Then like a lump of lead he falls. - - _The Shotover Papers._ - - - On fait souvent du bien pour pouvoir impunément - faire du mal. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - There's a joy without canker or cark, - There's a pleasure eternally new, - 'Tis to gloat on the glaze and the mark - Of china that's ancient and blue; - Unchipp'd all the centuries through - It has pass'd, since the chime of it rang, - And they fashion'd it, figure and hue, - In the reign of the Emperor Hwang. - - ANDREW LANG, _Ballades in Blue China_. - - - Ceremony.--All that is considered necessary by - many in religion and friendship. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - Rogues meet their due when out they fall, - And each the other blames, sir, - The pot should not the kettle call - Opprobrious sorts of names, sir. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - I have nothing to say again' Craig, on'y it is a - pity he couldna be hatched o'er again, an' - hatched different. - - _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - Let us have wine and women, mirth and laughter, - Sermons and soda-water the day after. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - [Dr. Busby] was once invited, during a residence at - Deal, by an old Westminster--who, from being - a very idle, well-flogged boy, had, after a course - of distinguished service, been named to the command - of a fine frigate in the Downs--to visit him on board - his ship. The doctor accepted the invitation; and, - after he had got up the ship's side, the captain piped all - hands for punishment, and said to the astonished doctor, - "You d--d old scoundrel, I am delighted to have the - opportunity of paying you off at last. Here, boatswain, - give him three dozen." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - _GOOD AND BAD LUCK._ - - Good Luck is the gayest of all gay girls; - Long in one place she will not stay: - Back from your brow she strokes the curls, - Kisses you quick and flies away. - - But Madame Bad Luck soberly comes - And stays--no fancy has she for flitting-- - Snatches of true-love songs she hums, - And sits by your bed, and brings her knitting. - - JOHN HAY, _Poems_. - - - I wish nine-tenths of the pictures that have been - painted had never been preserved; it is such a - nuisance having to go and see them. - - _Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_. - - - Victor Hugo is an Egoist, or, to use a stronger - term, he is a Hugoist. - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Musical Notes from Paris_. - - - _ON WOMEN AS UNIONISTS._ - - Among the men, what dire divisions rise-- - For "Union" one, "No Union" t'other cries. - Shame on the sex that such dispute began-- - Ladies are all for union--to a man! - - ANON. - - - Si c'est un crime de l'aimer, - On n'en doit justement blâmer - Que les beautés qui sont en elle; - La faute en est au dieux - Qui la firent si belle, - Et non pas à mes yeux. - - JEAN DE LINGENDES. - - - "Was not ---- very disagreeable?" "Why, he was - as disagreeable as the occasion would permit," - Luttrell said. - - SYDNEY SMITH, _Life and Letters_. - - - "I believe that nothing in the newspapers is - ever true," said Madame Phoebus. - - "And that is why they are so popular," - added Euphrosyne; "the taste of the age being so - decidedly for fiction." - - LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Lothair_. - - - He that would shine, and petrify his tutor, - Should drink draught Allsopp in its "native pewter." - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_. - - - Lauk, sir! Love's all in the fancy. One does - not eat it, nor drink it: and as for the rest--why, - it's a bother. - - _Corporal Bunting_, in LYTTON's _Eugene Aram_. - - - "Mr. O----'s affairs turn out so sadly that he - cannot have the pleasure of waiting upon his - lordship at his agreeable house on Monday - next.--N.B. His wife is dead." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - Why, the Scotch tunes are just like a scolding, - nagging woman. They go on with the same - thing over and over again, and never come to a - reasonable end. Anybody 'ud think the Scotch tunes - had always been asking a question of somebody as deaf - as old Taft, and had never got an answer yet. - - _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - _SOUL OF LADY._ - - Tell me, in this night of snow, - Of happy Almack's, or the Row! - Say in what carriages what fair - Consume the ice in Berkeley Square; - Or who in shops, with doubtful eye, - Explore the silks they never buy; - And how the hair is dressed in town, - And what the shape of boot and gown? - - - _WINDBAG._ - - Snow-mantled shadow, would you know - The fashions of the world below? - Still the coiled chignon starward towers, - Still false back-hair falls down in showers; - But now all subtle souls revert - To the abbreviated skirt, - Whose velvet _paniers_ just denote - The gown, that else were petticoat. - Nor is such _naïve_ attire enough: - Elizabeth's archaic ruff - Rings every neck; besides, they rival, - With a High-Gothic-Hat-Revival, - Old Mother Hubbard, and renew - Arcadianly the buckled shoe, - To show, what's just a trifle shocking, - The dimple of a snowy stocking. - - W. J. COURTHOPE, _The Paradise of Birds_. - - - Be virtuous, and you will be eccentric. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - _DON'T WE?_ - - We're informed that, in Happy Japan, - Folks are free to believe what they can; - But if they come teaching, - And preaching and screeching, - They go off to gaol in a van. - Don't you wish _this_ was Happy Japan? - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - I hope I appreciate the value of children. We - should soon come to nothing without them. - Without them the common school would languish. - But the problem is, what to do with them in a - garden. For they are not good to eat, and there is a law - against making away with them. The law is not very - well enforced, it is true; for people do thin them out - with constant dosing, paregoric, and soothing-syrups, and - scanty clothing. But I, for one, feel it would not be - right, aside from the law, to take the life, even of the - smallest child, for the sake of a little fruit, more or less, - in the garden. I may be wrong; but these are my sentiments, - and I am not ashamed of them. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - _ON DR. TRAPP'S TRANSLATION OF VIRGIL._ - - Mind but thy preaching, Trapp; translate no further: - Is it not written, "Thou shall do no murder"? - - _The Poetical Farrago_ (1794). - - - Shortly before his death, being visited by a - clergyman whose features as well as language - were more lugubrious than consoling, Hood - looked up at him compassionately, and said, "My dear - sir! I'm afraid your religion doesn't agree with you." - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - _ON GRAPES AND GRIPES._ - - In Spain, that land of monks and apes, - The thing called wine doth come from grapes; - But, on the noble river Rhine, - The thing called gripes doth come from wine. - - S. T. COLERIDGE, _apud_ J. C. YOUNG. - - - Of Diggle, Barham used to tell many absurd stories. - The most amusing of his practical jokes was one - in which Barham had a share. The two boys - having, in the course of one of their walks, discovered a - Quakers' meeting-house, forthwith procured a penny tart - of a neighbouring pastry-cook; furnished with this, - Diggle marched boldly into the building, and, holding up - the delicacy in the midst of the grave assembly, said with - perfect solemnity, "Whoever speaks first shall have this - pie." "Friend, go thy way," commenced a drab-coloured - gentleman, rising, "go thy way, and----" "The pie's - yours, sir!" exclaimed Master Diggle, politely, and - placing it before the astounded speaker, hastily effected - his escape. - - R. H. D. BARHAM, _Life of Barham_. - - - Talking of some poor relations who had been - recipients of his bounty for years, Compton - said, "Yes, sir, the whole tribe of them leaned - on me for years;" and then added, in his own peculiar - manner, "Forty years long was I grieved with this generation." - - _Memoir of Henry Compton._ - - - _THE ORANGE._ - - It ripen'd by the river banks, - Where, mask and moonlight aiding, - Dons Blas and Juan play their pranks, - Dark Donnas serenading. - - By Moorish damsel it was pluck'd, - Beneath the golden day there; - By swain 'twas then in London suck'd-- - Who flung the peel away there. - - He could not know in Pimlico, - As little she in Seville, - That _I_ should reel upon that peel, - And--wish them at the devil. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Kenny said that Anthony Pasquin (who was a - very dirty fellow) "died of a cold caught by - washing his face." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - _ON THE PRINCE REGENT'S ILLNESS._ - - The Regent, sir, is taken ill; - And all depends on Halford's skill; - "Pray what," inquired the sage physician, - "Has brought him to this sad condition?" - When Bloomfield ventured to pronounce, - "A little too much Cherry Bounce," - The Regent, hearing what was said, - Raised from his couch his aching head, - And cried, "No, Halford, 'tis not so! - _Cure us, O_ doctor,--_Curaçoa!_" - - H. LUTTRELL, _apud_ BARHAM. - - - Brigham Young has two hundred wives. He - loves not wisely, but two hundred well. He's - dreadfully married. He's the most married man - I ever saw in my life. He says that all he wants now is - to live in peace for the remainder of his days, and have - his dying pillow soothed by the loving hands of his - family. Well, that's all right, I suppose; but if all his - family soothe his dying pillow, he'll have to go out-doors - to die. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - And I said, "What is written, sweet sister, - At the opposite end of the room?" - She sobbed, as she answered, "All liquors - Must be paid for ere leaving the room." - - BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. - - - Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not - tell them so. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - The Walrus and the Carpenter - Were walking close at hand; - They wept like anything to see - Such quantities of sand: - "If this were only cleared away," - They said, "It _would_ be grand!" - - "If seven maids, with seven mops, - Swept it for half a year, - Do you suppose," the Walrus said, - "That they could get it clear?" - "I doubt it;" said the Carpenter, - And shed a bitter tear. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Through the Looking-Glass_. - - - We easily convert our own vices into other people's - virtues, the virtues of others into vices. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - You'd better keep clear of love-letters, - Or write them with caution and care; - In faith, they may fasten your fetters, - If wearing a conjugal air. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - Against stupidity the gods themselves combat in - vain. - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Art Notes from Paris_. - - - _ON LOVE AND MARRIAGE._ - - 'Tis highly rational, we can't dispute, - That Love, being naked, should promote a suit; - But doth not oddity to him attach - Whose fire's so oft extinguished by a match? - - R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_. - - - Lord Shelburne could say the most provoking - things, and yet appear unconscious of - their being so. In one of his speeches, alluding - to Lord Carlisle, he said, "The noble lord has written - a comedy." "No, a tragedy." "Oh, I beg pardon, I - thought it was a comedy." - - ROGERS, _Table Talk_. - - - There's nought, no doubt, so much the spirit calms - As rum and true religion. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - She never speaks to any one, which is of course a - great advantage to any one. - - LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. - - - I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty - made 'em to match the men. - - _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - "You didn't know I drew? I learnt at school." - "Perhaps you only learnt to draw your sword?" - "Why, that I can, of course--and also corks-- - And covers--haw! haw! haw! But what I mean, - Fortification--haw!--in Indian ink, - That sort of thing--and though I draw it mild, - Yet that--haw! haw!--that may be called my _forte_." - "Oh fie! for shame! where do you think you'll go - For making such a heap of foolish puns?" - "Why, to the Punjaub, I should think--haw! haw! - That sort of job, you know, would suit me best." - - C. J. CAYLEY, _Las Alforgas_. - - - Tout le monde se plaint de sa mémoire, et - personne ne se plaint de son jugement. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - _ON THE HOUSE OF COMMONS_. - - When lately Pym descended into Hell, - Ere he the cups of Lethè did carouse, - What place that was, he callèd loud to tell; - To whom a Devil--"This is the Lower House." - - WILLIAM DRUMMOND (1585-1649). - - - The working-man is a noble creature--when he is - quite sober. - - _Alexis_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Sorcerer_. - - - _DEFENDANT'S SONG._ - - When first my old, old love I knew, - My bosom swelled with joy; - My riches at her feet I threw,-- - I was a love-sick boy! - No terms seemed too extravagant - Upon her to employ-- - I used to mope, and sigh, and pant, - Just like a love-sick boy! - - But joy incessant palls the sense, - And love, unchanged, will cloy, - And she became a bore intense - Unto her love-sick boy! - With fitful glimmer burnt my flame, - And I grew cold and coy, - At last, one morning, I became - Another's love-sick boy! - - W. S. GILBERT, _Trial by Jury_. - - - Dining one day where the host became exceedingly - excited and angry at not being able to - find any stuffing in a roasted leg of pork, Poole - quietly suggested, "Perhaps it is in the other leg?" - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - In 1848, Feargus O'Connor was charged in the - House with being a republican. He denied it, - and said he did not care whether the Queen or - the Devil was on the throne. Peel replied: "When the - honourable gentleman sees the sovereign of his choice on - the throne of these realms, I hope he'll enjoy, and I'm - sure he'll deserve, the confidence of the Crown." - - ABRAHAM HAYWARD, _Essays_. - - - I loiter down by thorp and town; - For any job I'm willing; - Take here and there a dusty brown, - And here and there a shilling. - - I deal in every ware in turn, - I've rings for buddin' Sally, - That sparkle like those eyes of her'n; - I've liquor for the valet. - - The things I've done 'neath moon and stars - Have got me into messes; - I've seen the sky through prison bars, - I've torn up prison dresses. - - But out again I come, and show - My face, nor care a stiver; - For trades are brisk and trades are slow, - But mine goes on for ever. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - They may talk of the devotion of the sex, but the - most faithful attachment in life is that of a - woman in love--with herself. - - _Damas_, in LORD LYTTON's _Lady of Lyons_. - - - They may talk as they please about what they call pelf, - And how one ought never to think of one's self, - And how pleasures of thought surpass eating and drinking-- - My pleasure of thought is the pleasure of thinking - How pleasant it is to have money, heigh ho! - How pleasant it is to have money! - - _Spirit_, in A. H. CLOUGH's _Dipsychus_. - - - Women are generally consistent in their insincerity, - if in nothing else. - - ANNA C. STEELE. - - - La plus perdue de toutes les journées est celle où - l'on n'a pas ri. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - Oh, how can a modest young man - E'er hope for the smallest progression-- - The profession's already so full - Of lawyers so full of profession? - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. - - - I was speaking [to Charles Lamb] of my first brief, - when he asked, "Did you not exclaim-- - 'Thou great first cause, least understood'?" - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - Eye-glass--a toy which enables a coxcomb to - see others, and others to see that he is a - coxcomb. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - Some brag of telegraphs and rails, - Coals, steam, and gas, and a' that, - But rattling mails and cotton bales - Ne'er made a man for a' that; - For a' that, and a' that, - Their figures, facts, and a' that, - The first of facts is Thought, and what - High Thought begets, for a' that! - - J. S. BLACKIE, _Musa Burschicosa_. - - - Virginia city--the wild young metropolis of the - new Silver State. Fortunes are made there in - a day. There are instances on record of young - men going to this place without a shilling--poor and - friendless--yet by energy, intelligence, and a careful - disregard to business, they have been enabled to leave - there, owing hundreds of pounds. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - Nothing is accounted so proper in England as - property. - - _Guesses at Truth._ - - - As the husband is, the wife is,--he is stomach-plagued and old; - And his curry soups will make thy cheek the colour of his gold. - - When his feeble love is sated, he will hold thee surely then - Something lower than his hookah,--something less than his cayenne. - - What is this? His eyes are pinky. Was't the claret? Oh, no, no-- - Bless your soul! it was the salmon--salmon always makes him so. - - _Bon Gaultier Ballads._ - - - A clergyman had commenced an able discourse, - when one of the hearers exclaimed, - "That's Tillotson!" This was allowed to pass; - but very soon another exclamation followed, "That's - Paley." The preacher then addressed the disturber: "I - tell you, sir, if there is to be a repetition of such conduct, - I shall call on the churchwarden to have you removed - from the church." "That's your own," was the ready - reply. - - MARK BOYD, _Reminiscences_. - - - College mostly makes people like bladders--just - good for nothing but t' hold the stuff as is poured - into 'em. - - _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - Werther had a love for Charlotte - Such as words could never utter; - Would you know how first he met her? - She was cutting bread and butter. - - So he sighed and pined and ogled, - And his passion boiled and bubbled, - Till he blew his silly brains out, - And no more was by it troubled. - - Charlotte, having seen his body - Borne before her on a shutter, - Like a well-conducted person, - Went on cutting bread and butter. - - W. M. THACKERAY. - - - Perhaps the best illustration I can give of - [Bagehot's] more sardonic humour, was his - remark to a friend who had a church on the - grounds near his house:--"Ah, you've got the church - in the grounds! I like that. It's well the tenants - shouldn't be _quite_ sure that the landlord's power stops - with this world." - - R. H. HUTTON, _Memoir of W. Bagehot_. - - - _ON WIVES._ - - All wives are bad,--yet two blest hours they give, - When first they wed, and when they cease to live. - - PALLADAS, trans. by J. H. MERIVALE. - - - "Yes, my dear curate," said the Professor, "what - I am enjoying is the champagne that you - drink, and what you are enjoying is the champagne - that I drink. This is altruism; this is benevolence; - this is the sublime outcome of enlightened - modern thought. The pleasures of the table, in themselves, - are low and beastly ones; but if we each of us - are only glad because the others are enjoying them, they - become holy and glorious beyond description." - - "They do," cried the curate rapturously, "indeed they - do. I will drink another bottle for your sake." - - W. H. MALLOCK, _The New Paul and Virginia_. - - - Some d--d people have come in, and I must stop. - By d--d, I mean deuced. - - LAMB to WORDSWORTH. - - - Ours is so far-advanced an age! - Sensation-tales, a classic stage, - Commodious villas! - We boast high art, an Albert Hall, - Australian meats, and men who call - Their sires gorillas! - - AUSTIN DOBSON, _Vignettes in Rhyme_. - - - It being asked at Paris whom they would have as - godfather for Rothschild's baby--"Talleyrand," - said a Frenchman. "Pourquoi, monsieur?" - "Parcequ'il est le moins chrétien possible." - - B. R. HAYDON, _Diary_. - - - Before the blast are driven the flying clouds-- - (And I should like to blow a cloud as well,) - The vapours wrap the mountain-tops in shrouds-- - (I left my mild cheroots at the hotel.) - Dotting the glassy surface of the stream, - (Oh, here's a cigarette--my mind's at ease.) - The boats move silently, as in a dream-- - (Confound it! where on earth are my fusees?) - - H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_. - - - Emile de Girardin, the famous political writer, a - natural son of Alexandre de Girardin, becoming - celebrated, Montrond said to his father, - "Dépêchez-vous de le reconnaître, ou bientôt il ne - vous reconnaîtra pas." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - Marriage from love, like vinegar from wine-- - A sad, sour, sober beverage,--by time - Is sharpen'd from its high celestial flavour, - Down to a very homely household savour. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - Lettuce is like conversation; it must be fresh, - and crisp, so sparkling that you scarcely notice - the bitter in it. Lettuce, like conversation, - requires a good deal of oil, to avoid friction, and - keep the company smooth; a pinch of attic salt; a - dash of pepper; a quantity of mustard and vinegar, by - all means, but so mixed that you will notice no sharp - contrasts; and a trifle of sugar. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - _MARTIAL IN LONDON._ - - Exquisite wine and comestibles - From Slater, and Fortnum and Mason; - Billiards, écarté, and chess-tables; - Water in vast marble basin; - Luminous books (not voluminous) - To read under beech-trees cacuminous; - One friend, who is fond of a distich, - And doesn't get too syllogistic; - A valet who knows the complete art - Of service--a maiden, his sweetheart;-- - Give me these, in some rural pavilion, - And I'll envy no Rothschild his million. - - MORTIMER COLLINS, in _The Owl_. - - - He was much too disliked not to be sought after. - Whatever is once notorious, even for being - disagreeable, is sure to be coveted. - - LORD LYTTON's _Pelham_. - - - _TO GIBBS, CONCERNING HIS POEMS._ - - You ask me if I think your poems good; - If I could praise your poems, Gibbs,--I would. - - EGERTON WEBBE, _apud_ LEIGH HUNT. - - - What I admire in the order to which you belong - [the aristocracy], is that they do live in the air, - that they excel in athletic sports; that they can - only speak one language; and that they never read. - This is not a complete education, but it is the highest - education since the Greek. - - _Phoebus_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Lothair_. - - - _RELIABLE._ - - (A MILD PROTEST.) - - Shut up a party who uses "Reliable" - When he means "Trustworthy;" 'tis undeniable - That his excuses are flimsy and friable, - And his conceptions of grammar most pliable. - No doubt he'd pronounce this line's last word "enviable:" - Invent, for bad fish (which he'd sell) the word "criable," - Say that his faded silk hat might be dyeable, - And accent French vilely--allude to _le diable_. - If his name's William, 'twould be most enj'yable - To see Mr. Calcraft preparing to tie a Bill. - Now let Punch hope he has stamped out "Reliable." - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - "I see," said my clerical neighbour, addressing - myself, "you stick to port." "Yes," I said, - "and so am safe from being half-seas over." - - W. H. HARRISON, _Reminiscences_. - - - All tradesmen cry up their own wares: - In this they agree well together: - The Mason by stone and lime swears; - The Tanner is always for leather; - The Smith still for iron would go; - The Schoolmaster stands up for teaching; - And the Parson would have you to know - There's nothing on earth like his preaching. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - Matrimony--the high sea for which no compass - has yet been invented. - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Musical Notes from Paris_. - - - O daughters! make your markets while you can, - For bloom soon groweth as the water wan; - The early bird picks up the marrying man. - - _Once a Week._ - - - He was the most even-tempered man I ever knew: - he was always cross. - - MRS. JENKINS, _Within an Ace_. - - - I have a horse--a ryghte good horse-- - Ne doe I envie those - Who scour ye plaine in headie course, - Tyll soddaine on theyre nose - They lyghte wyth unexpected force-- - It ys--a horse of clothes. - - I have a saddel--"Sayst thou soe? - With styrruppes, knyghte, to boote?" - I sayde not that--I answere "Noe,"-- - Yt lacketh such, I woot-- - It ys a mutton-saddel, loe! - Parte of ye fleecie brute. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Phantasmagoria_. - - - Story of Lord Middleton, out hunting, calling to - Gunter the confectioner to "Hold hard," and - not ride over the hounds. "My horse is so hot, - my Lord, that I don't know what to do with him." "Ice - him, Gunter, ice him." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - She's rising now, and taking off her bonnet, - And probably will end by sitting on it; - For oft, as sad experiences teach, - The novice, trembling from his maiden speech, - Drops flustered in his place, and crushes flat - His innocent and all-unconscious hat. - - _2nd Lady_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Ladies in Parliament_. - - - _ON A LEFT-HANDED WRITING-MASTER._ - - Though Nature thee of thy right hand bereft, - Right well thou writest with the hand that's left. - - FRANCIS FULLER, _apud_ NICHOLLS. - - - We are never so much disposed to quarrel with - others, as when we are dissatisfied with ourselves. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - The cockney, met in Middlesex, or Surrey, - Is often cold, and always in a hurry. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Speaking one day of a newly risen sect of religionists - who proscribed the use of animal food, - the Archbishop [Whately] said to Dr. Wilson, - "Do you know anything, Wilson, of this new sect?" - "Yes, my Lord; I have seen their confession of faith, - which is a book of cookery." - - E. J. WHATELY's _Life of Whately_. - - - And I do think the amateur cornopean - Should be put down by law--but that's perhaps Utopian. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_. - - - Le premier soupir de l'amour est le dernier de la - sagesse. - - CHARRON, _La Sagesse_. - - - For he himself has said it, - And it's greatly to his credit, - That he is an Englishman! - For he might have been a Roosian, - A French, or Turk, or Proosian, - Or perhaps Italian! - But in spite of all temptations - To belong to other nations, - He remains an Englishman! - - W. S. GILBERT, _H.M.S. Pinafore_. - - - Baron Alderson being asked by the chaplain - of the High Sheriff at the assizes over which he - was to preside, how long he would like him to - preach, replied, "About half an hour, with a leaning to - mercy." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - _ON EVENING DRESS._ - - When dress'd for the evening, girls, nowadays, - Scarce an atom of dress on them leave; - Nor blame them--for what is an Evening Dress, - But a dress that is suited to Eve? - - ANON. - - - It's the silliest lie a sensible man like you ever - believed, to say a woman makes a house comfortable. - It's a story got up, because the women - are there, and something must be found for 'em to do. - I tell you there isn't a thing under the sun that needs to - be done at all, but what a man can do better than a - woman, unless it's bearing children, and they do that in - a poor make-shift way. It had better ha' been left to - the men. - - _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - To sniggle or to dibble, that's the question! - Whether to bait a hook with worm or bumble, - Or to take up arms of any sea, some trouble - To fish, and then home send 'em. To fly--to whip-- - To moor and tie my boat up by the end - To any wooden post, or natural rock - We may be near to, on a Preservation - Devoutly to be fished. To fly--to whip-- - To whip! perchance two bream;--and there's the chub! - - F. C. BURNAND, _Happy Thoughts_. - - - Anecdote of Phil Stone, the property-man of - Drury Lane:--"Will you be so good, sir, as to - stand a little backer?" said Phil to a gentleman - behind the scenes, who had placed himself so forward as - to be seen by the audience. "No, my fine fellow," returned - the exquisite, who quite mistook his meaning; - "but here is a pinch of snuff at your service." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - At a friend's house Charles Lamb was presented - with a cheese; it was a very ripe, not to say a - lively cheese, and, as Lamb was leaving, his - friend offered him a piece of paper in which to wrap it, - so that he might convey it more conveniently. "Thank - you," said Charles, "but would not several yards of - twine be better, and then, you know, I could _lead_ it - home?" - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. - - - "A loaf of bread," the Walrus said, - "Is what we chiefly need; - Pepper and vinegar besides - Are very good indeed-- - Now, if you're ready, Oysters dear, - We can begin to feed." - - "But not on us," the Oysters cried, - Turning a little blue. - "After such kindness, that would be - A dismal thing to do!" - "The night is fine," the Walrus said; - "Do you admire the view?" - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Through the Looking-Glass_. - - - Religion is like the fashion. One man wears - his doublet slashed, another laced, another plain; - but every man has a doublet: so every man has - his religion. We differ about the trimming. - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - Romances paint at full length people's wooings, - But only give a bust of marriages; - For no one cares for matrimonial cooings, - There's nothing wrong in a connubial kiss. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - A young lady decorously brought up should only - have two considerations in her choice of a - husband: first, is his birth honourable? secondly, - will his death be advantageous? All other trifling details - should be left to parental anxiety. - - _Madame Deschappelles_, in LORD LYTTON's _Lady of Lyons_. - - - "The doctor's as drunk as the d----," we said, - And we managed a shutter to borrow; - We rais'd him, and sigh'd at the thought that his head - Would consumedly ache on the morrow. - - We bore him home and we put him to bed, - And we told his wife and his daughter - To give him next morning a couple of red- - Herrings with soda-water. - - Slowly and sadly we all walked down - From his room in the uppermost story; - A rush-light we placed on the cold hearth-stone, - And left him alone in his glory. - - R. H. BARHAM, _Ingoldsby Lyrics_. - - - Benjamin Franklin was always proud of - telling how he entered Philadelphia, for the first - time, with nothing in the world but two shillings - in his pocket and four rolls of bread under his arm. But - really, when you come to examine it critically, it was - nothing. Anybody could have done it. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - I've thought very often 'twould be a good thing - In all public collections of books, if a wing - Were set off by itself, like the seas from the dry lands, - Marked "_Literature suited to desolate islands_",14113 - And filled with such books as could never be read - Save by readers of proofs, forced to do it for bread,-- - Such books as one's wrecked on in small country taverns, - Such as hermits might mortify over in caverns, - Such as Satan, if printing had then been invented, - As a climax of woe, would to Jove have presented, - Such as Crusoe might dip in, although there are few so - Outrageously cornered by fate as poor Crusoe. - - J. R. LOWELL, _A Fable for Critics_. - - - _Bellmour._ Ah! courtship to marriage is but - as the music in the play-house till the curtain's - drawn; but that once up, then opens the scene - of pleasure. - _Belinda._ Oh, foh--no; rather, courtship to marriage - is a very witty prologue to a very dull play. - - CONGREVE, _The Old Bachelor_. - - - _ON HEARING A LADY PRAISE A CERTAIN - REV. DOCTOR'S EYES._ - - I cannot praise the Doctor's eyes; - I never saw his glance divine; - He always shuts them when he prays, - And when he preaches he shuts mine. - - G. OUTRAM, _Lyrics: Legal, etc._ - - - This picture is a great work of art. It is an oil - painting--done in petroleum. It is by the Old - Masters. It was the last thing they did before - dying. They did this and then they expired. - - Some of the greatest artists in London come here - every morning before daylight with lanterns to look at it. - They say they never saw anything like it before--and - they hope they never shall again. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - _THE WORLD._ - - The world is like a rink, you know: - You lose your _wheel_, and come to woe! - - J. ASHBY STERRY, in _English Epigrams_. - - - Men will sooner forgive an injury than an insult. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - Why is it that stupid people are always so much - more anxious to talk to one, than clever people? - - CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. - - - And Darwin, too, who leads the throng "in vulgum voces spargere," - Maintains Humanity is nought except a big menagerie, - The progeny of tailless apes, sharp-eared but puggy-nosed, sir, - Who nightly climbed their "family trees," and on the top reposed, sir. - - There's Carlyle, on the other hand, whose first and last concern it is - To preach up the "immensities" and muse on the "eternities"; - But if one credits what one hears, the gist of all his brag is, sir, - That "Erbwürst," rightly understood, is transcendental haggis, sir. - - F. D., in _Pall Mall Gazette_. - - - _DUNSFORD._ Travelling is a great trial of people's - inability to live together. - _Ellesmere._ Yes. Lavater says that you do - not know a man until you have divided an inheritance - with him; but I think a long journey with him will do. - - ARTHUR HELPS, _Friends in Council_. - - _ON AN ALDERMAN._ - - That he was born it cannot be denied; - He ate, drank, slept, talk'd politics, and died. - - JOHN CUNNINGHAM (1729-1773). - - - At a large dinner party at Jerdan's, one of the - guests indulged in some wonderful accounts of - his shooting. The number of birds he had - killed, and the distances at which he had brought them - down, were extraordinary. Hood quietly remarked,-- - "What he hit is history, - What he missed is mystery." - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - I'm very fond of water: - It ever must delight - Each mother's son or daughter-- - When qualified aright. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - An epicure, while eating oysters, swallowed one that - was not fresh. "Zounds, waiter!" he ejaculated, - making a wry face; "what sort of an oyster do - you call this?" "A native, sir," replied the wielder of the - knife. "A native!--I call it a _settler_, so you need not - open any more." - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - Once Uncle went astray, - Smoked, joked, and swore away-- - Sworn by he's now, by a - Large congregation. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - You've heard what a lady in Italy did-- - How to vex a cross husband she buried a "kid!" - Sam swears she'd have managed things better by half - If, instead of the "kid," she had buried the calf! - - R. H. BARHAM, _Ingoldsby Lyrics_. - - - Il est plus facile de légaliser certaines choses que - de les légitimer. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - Wilt thou love me, fairest? - Though thou art not fair, - And I think thou wearest - Some one else's hair. - Thou couldst love, though, dearly: - And, as I am told, - Thou art very nearly - Worth thy weight, in gold. - - Dost thou love, sweet one? - Tell me if thou dost! - Women fairly beat one, - But I think thou must. - Thou art loved so dearly: - I am plain, but then - Thou (to speak sincerely) - Art as plain again. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - "Certainly, my Lord," said the attendant. - "He knows me," thought Lothair; but it - was not so. When the British nation is at - once grateful and enthusiastic, they always call you "my - Lord." - - LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Lothair_. - - - _THE RECOGNITION._ - - Home they brought her sailor son, - Grown a man across the sea, - Tall and broad and black of beard, - And hoarse of voice as man may be. - - Hand to shake and mouth to kiss, - Both he offered ere he spoke; - And she said--"What man is this - Comes to play a sorry joke?" - - Then they praised him--call'd him "smart," - "Tightest lad that ever stept;" - But her son she did not know, - And she neither smiled nor wept. - - Rose, a nurse of ninety years, - Set a pigeon-pie in sight; - She saw him eat--"'Tis he! 'tis he!" - She knew him--by his appetite! - - WILLAM SAWYER. - - - Lord Allen, being rather the worse for drinking - too much wine at dinner, teased Count D'Orsay, - and said some very disagreeable things, which - irritated him; when suddenly John Bush entered the - club and shook hands with the Count, who exclaimed, - "Voilà, la différence entre une bonne _bouche_ et une mauvaise - _haleine_." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - _ANOTHER WAY._ - - When lovely woman, Lump of Folly, - Would show the world her vainest trait; - Would treat herself as child her dolly, - And warn each man of sense away; - The surest method she'll discover - To prompt a wink from every eye, - Degrade a spouse, disgust a lover, - And spoil a scalp-skin, is--to dye. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - The bean is a graceful, confiding, engaging vine; - but you can never put beans into poetry, nor - into the highest sort of prose. Corn is the child - of song. It waves in all literature. But mix it with - beans, and its high tone is gone. The bean is a vulgar - vegetable, without culture, or any flavour of high society - among vegetables. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - Then Abner Dean of Angel's raised a point of order, when - A church of old red sandstone took him in the abdomen, - And he smiled a kind of sickly smile, and curled up on the floor, - And the subsequent proceedings interested him no more. - - BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. - - - "I was born, Signora, on New Year's Night, - 1800." "Did I not tell you," said the Marquis, - "that he is one of the first men of our century?" - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Travel Pictures_. - - - When dinner has opprest one, - I think it is perhaps the gloomiest hour - Which turns up out of the sad twenty-four. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - As a boy, George Washington gave no promise of - the greatness he was one day to achieve. He - was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments - of youth. He could not even lie. But then he - never had any of those precious advantages which are - within the reach of the humblest of the boys of the - present day. Any boy can lie now. I could lie before - I could stand. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - By the way, Shakespeare endorses polygamy. He - speaks of the Merry Wives of Windsor. How - many wives did Mr. Windsor have? - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - I dare say she's like the rest o' the women-- - thinks two and two'll come to make five, if she - cries and bothers enough about it. - - _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - Don't you see a hint of marriage - In his sober-sided face, - In his rather careless carriage - And extremely rapid pace? - - If he's not committed treason, - Or some wicked action done, - Can you see the faintest reason - Why a bachelor should run? - - Why should he be in a flurry? - But a loving wife to greet, - Is a circumstance to hurry - The most dignified of feet! - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. - - - Mr. Luttrell once said to me, "Sir, the man - who says he does not like a good dinner, is - either a fool or a liar." - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - _TO PHOEBE._ - - "Gentle, modest little flower, - Sweet epitome of May, - Love me but for half an hour, - Love me, love me, little fay." - Sentences so swiftly flaming - In your tiny shell-like ear, - I should always be exclaiming - If I loved you, Phoebe dear: - - "Smiles that thrill from any distance - Shed upon me while I sing! - Please ecstaticize existence, - Love me, oh thou, fairy thing!" - Words like these outpouring sadly - You'd perpetually hear, - If I loved you fondly, madly;-- - But I do not, Phoebe dear. - - W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_. - - - On one occasion, when Power the actor was - present, Hood was asked to propose his health. - After enumerating the various talents that popular - comedian possessed, he requested the company to - observe that such a combination was a remarkable - illustration of the old proverb, "It never rains but it - _powers_." - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - I dreamed that somebody was dead. It was a - private gentleman, and a particular friend; and - I was greatly overcome when the news was - broken to me (very delicately) by a gentleman in a - cocked hat, top boots, and a sheet. Nothing else. - "Good God!" I said, "is he dead?" "He is as dead, - sir," rejoined the gentleman, "as a door nail. But we - must all die, Mr. Dickens, sooner or later, my dear sir." - "Ah!" I said; "yes, to be sure. Very true. But - what did he die of?" The gentleman burst into a flood - of tears, and said, in a voice broken by emotion, "He - christened his youngest child, sir, with a toasting fork!" - - CHARLES DICKENS, _apud_ J. T. FIELDS. - - - I suppose all phrases of mere compliment have - their turn to be true. A man is occasionally - thankful when he says "thank you." - - _Stephen Guest_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Mill on the Floss_. - - - _ON ATALANTA._ - - When the young Greek for Atalanta sigh'd, - He might have fool'd and follow'd till he died! - He learn'd the sex, the bribe before her roll'd, - And found, the short way to the heart, is--Gold. - - GEORGE CROLY (1780-1860). - - - _De mortuis nil nisi bene_: of the living speak nothing - but evil. - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Thoughts and Fancies_. - - - I once met a man who had forgiven an injury. - I hope some day to meet the man who has forgiven - an insult. - - CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. - - - Walk in the Park--you'll seldom fail - To find a Sybaris on the rail - By Lydia's ponies, - Or hap on Barrus, wigged, and stayed, - Ogling some unsuspecting maid. - - The great Gargilius, then, behold! - His "long-bow" hunting tales of old - Are now but duller; - Fair Neobule too! Is not - One Hebrus here--from Aldershot? - Aha, you colour! - Be wise. There old Canidia sits; - No doubt she's tearing you to bits. - - Here's Pyrrha, "golden-haired" at will; - Prig Damasippus, preaching still; - Asterie flirting,-- - Radiant, of course. We'll make her black,-- - Ask her when Gyges' ship comes back. - - AUSTIN DOBSON, _Vignettes in Rhyme_. - - - La reconnaissance de la plupart des hommes n'est - qu'une secrète envie de recevoir de plus grands - bienfaits. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - The surest way to make ourselves agreeable to - others is by seeming to think them so. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - _SELF-EVIDENT._ - - When other lips and other eyes - Their tales of love shall tell, - Which means the usual sort of lies - You've heard from many a swell; - When, bored with what you feel is bosh, - You'd give the world to see - A friend whose love you know will wash, - Oh, then remember me! - - When Signor Solo goes his tours, - And Captain Craft's at Ryde, - And Lord Fitzpop is on the moors, - And Lord knows who beside; - When to exist you feel a task - Without a friend at tea, - At such a moment I but ask - That you'll remember me. - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. - - - When a man is called stingy, it is as much as calling - him rich; and when a man's called rich, why - he's a man universally respected. - - _Sir John Vesey_, in LORD LYTTON's _Money_. - - - Cursed be the Bank of England notes, that tempt the soul to sin! - Cursed be the want of acres,--doubly cursed the want of tin! - - Cursed be the marriage-contract, that enslaved thy soul to greed! - Cursed be the sallow lawyer, that prepared and drew the deed! - - Cursed be his foul apprentice, who the loathsome fees did earn! - Cursed be the clerk and parson--cursed be the whole concern! - - _Bon Gaultier Ballads._ - - - Never hold anybody by the button, or the hand, - in order to be heard out; for, if people are not - willing to hear you, you had much better hold - your tongue than them. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - I have learned to love Lucy, though faded she be; - If my next love be lovely, the better for me; - By the end of next summer, I'll give you my oath, - It was best, after all, to have flirted with both. - - CHARLES GODFREY LELAND. - - - General Ornano, observing a certain nobleman--who, - by some misfortune in his youth, - lost the use of his legs--in a Bath chair, which - he wheeled about, and inquiring the name of the - English peer, D'Orsay answered, "Père la Chaise." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - Poet-professor! Now my brain thou kindlest: - I am become a most determined Tyndallist. - If it is known a fellow can make skies, - Why not make bright blue eyes? - - This to deny the folly of a dunce it is: - Surely a girl as easy as a sunset is? - If you can make a halo or eclipse, - Why not two laughing lips? - - Why should an author scribble rhymes or articles? - Bring me a dozen tiny Tyndall-particles: - Therefrom I'll coin a dinner, Nash's wine, - And a nice girl to dine. - - MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_. - - - They now speak of the peculiar difficulties and - restrictions of the Episcopal Office. I only - read in Scripture of two inhibitions--boxing and - polygamy. - - SYDNEY SMITH, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. - - - _ON AN OFFERING MADE BY KING JAMES I. AT - A GRAVE COMEDY CALLED "THE MARRIAGE - OF ARTS."_ - - At Christ Church "Marriage," play'd before the King, - Lest these learn'd mates should want an offering, - The King himself did offer--what, I pray? - He offer'd, once or twice--to go away. - - _A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727). - - - ---- has only two ideas, and they are his legs, and - they are spindle-shanked. - - LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. - - - Dry as Compton's fun, - Dry as author's pocket; - Bright as that loved one - Whose face adorns my locket; - At the beaker's brim - Beading brittle bubbles, - Sea in which to swim, - And cast away all troubles; - Sea where sorrow sinks, - Ne'er to rise again--oh, - Blessedest of drinks, - Welcome, "Pommery Gréno!" - - EDMUND YATES. - - - _ON CLOSE-FIST'S SUBSCRIPTION._ - - The charity of Close-Fist, give to fame:-- - He has at last subscrib'd--how much?--his name. - - ANON. - - - The late Bishop of Exeter and Baron Alderson - were sitting next each other at a public dinner. - After the usual toasts had been drunk, the - health of "The Navy" was proposed. Lord Campbell, - expecting to have to return thanks for "The Bar," - and not having heard the toast distinctly, got up. On - which the late bishop whispered to Baron Alderson, - "What is Campbell about? What is he returning thanks - for the Navy for?" "Oh," answered the witty judge, - "he has made a mistake. He thinks the word is - spelt with a K." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - Song-birds darted about, some inky - As coal, some snowy (I ween) as curds; - Or rosy as pinks, or as roses pinky-- - They reck of no eerie To-come, these birds! - - But they skim over bents which the mill-stream washes, - Or hang in the lift 'neath a white cloud's hem; - They need no parasols, no goloshes; - And good Mrs. Trimmer she feedeth them. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - The man who's fond precociously of stirring - Must be a spoon. - - THOMAS HOOD. - - - _ON ONE PETER AND HIS WIFE._ - - Outrageous hourly with his wife was Peter; - Some do aver he has been known to beat her. - "She seems unhappy," said a friend one day; - Peter turn'd sharply: "What is that you say? - Her temper you have there misunderstood: - She dares not be unhappy if she would." - - WALTER SAVAGE LANDOR. - - - A man who puts a non-natural strained sense on a - promise is no better than a robber. - - _Rev. A. Debarry_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Felix Holt_. - - - _DISTICH._ - - What is a first love worth except to prepare for a second? - What does the second love bring? Only regret for the first. - - JOHN HAY, _Poems_. - - - In [Lady Charlotte Lindsay's] later days, when once - complimented on looking very well, she replied, - "I dare say it's true--the bloom of ugliness is - past." - - LORD HOUGHTON, _Monographs_. - - - _IN VIRTUTEM._ - - Virtue we praise, yet practise not her good. - (Athenian-like) we act not what we know. - So many men do talk of Robin Hood - Who never yet shot arrow from his bow. - - THOMAS FREEMAN (_circa_ 1591-1614). - - - Scandal--what one half the world takes a - pleasure in inventing, and the other half in - believing. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - _All's for the best_, indeed - Such is My simple creed; - Still I must go and weed - Hard in my garden. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Where's the use of talking to a woman with - babbies? She's got no conscience--no conscience--it's - all run to milk. - - _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - Together must we seek - That undiscovered country, from whose bourn - No uncommercial travellers return. - - _Brutus_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Horace at Athens_. - - - The Mormon's religion is singular, and his wives - are plural. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - At morning's call - The small-voiced pug-dog welcomes in the sun, - And flea-bit mongrels, wakening one by one, - Give answer all. - - When evening dim - Draws round us, then the lovely caterwaul, - Tart solo, sour duet, and general squall, - These are our hymn. - - OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. - - - Charles Lamb was sitting next some chattering - woman at dinner. Observing he didn't attend - to her, "You don't seem," said the lady, "to be - at all the better for what I have been saying to you." - "No, ma'am," he answered, "but this gentleman on the - other side of me must, for it all came in at one ear and - went out at the other." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - Forty times over let Michaelmas pass, - Grizzling hair the brain doth clear-- - Then you know a boy is an ass, - Then you know the worth of a lass, - Once you have come to Forty Year. - - W. M. THACKERAY. - - - Men are not troubled to hear a man dispraised, - because they know, though he be naught, - there's worth in others. But women are mightily - troubled to hear any one of them spoken against, as if - the sex itself were guilty of some untrustworthiness. - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - _'TWAS EVER THUS._ - - I never rear'd a young gazelle, - (Because, you see, I never tried); - But, had it known and loved me well, - No doubt the creature would have died. - My rich and aged uncle John - Has known me long and loves me well, - But still persists in living on-- - I would he were a young gazelle. - - I never loved a tree or flower; - But, if I _had_, I beg to say - The blight, the wind, the sun, or shower, - Would soon have wither'd it away. - I've dearly loved my uncle John, - From childhood till the present hour, - And yet he will go living on,-- - I would he were a tree or flower! - - H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_. - - - A domestic woman.--A woman like a - domestic. - - ANNE EVANS, _Poems and Music_. - - - "The time has come," the Walrus said, - "To talk of many things; - Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax-- - Of cabbages--and kings-- - And why the sea is boiling hot-- - And whether pigs have wings." - - "But wait a bit," the Oysters cried, - "Before we have our chat; - For some of us are out of breath, - And all of us are fat!" - "No hurry!" said the Carpenter: - They thanked him much for that. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Through the Looking-Glass_. - - - Ignorance is not so damnable as humbug, but - when it prescribes pills it may happen to do - more harm. - - _Felix Holt_, in GEORGE ELIOT's novel. - - - I push aside the blinding books; - The reverend pages seem to wink; - Each _letter_ like a _dozen_ looks, - Which _doesn't let a_ student think. - Within my ears I hear a "thrum;" - Before my eyes there floats a haze; - And mocking shadows flit and come, - And make my _nights_ a constant _daze_! - - ROBERT REECE, in _Comic Poets_. - - - Orthodoxy is at a low ebb. Only two clergymen - accepted my offer to come and help hoe - my potatoes for the privilege of using my - vegetable total-depravity figure about the snake-grass, - or quash-grass, as some call it; and these two did not - bring hoes. There seems to be a lack of disposition to - hoe among our educated clergy. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - _HOME THEY BROUGHT._ - - Home they brought her lap-dog dead, - Just run over by a fly; - Jeames to Buttons, winking, said, - "Won't there be a row? oh my!" - - Then they called the flyman low, - Said his baseness could be proved, - How she to the Beak should go,-- - Yet she neither spoke nor moved. - - Said her maid (and risked her place) - "In the 'ouse it should have kept, - Flymen drives at such a pace"-- - Still the lady's anger slept. - - Rose her husband, best of dears, - Laid a bracelet on her knee, - Like a playful child she boxed his ears,-- - "Sweet old pet!--let's have some tea!" - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - _ON BLESSED IGNORANCE._ - - He is most happy, sure, that knoweth nought, - Because he knows not that he knoweth not. - - ROBERT HEATH (_circa_ 1585-1607). - - - Alone amid the festive throng - One infant brow is sad! - One cherub face is wet with grief,-- - What ails you, little lad? - - Why still with scarifying sleeve - That woful visage scrub? - Ah, much I fear, my gentle boy, - You don't enjoy your grub. - - Here, on a sympathetic heart, - Your tale of suffering pour. - Come, darling! Tell me all. "_Boo--boo-- - I can't eat any more!_" - - H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Puck on Pegasus_. - - - Never take a sheet-bath--never. Next to meeting - a lady acquaintance who, for reasons best known - to herself, don't see you when she looks at you, - and don't know you when she sees you, it is about the - most uncomfortable thing in the world. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - The critic's lot is passing hard-- - Between ourselves, I think reviewers, - When call'd to truss a crowing bard, - Should not be sparing of the skewers. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - To-morrow the critics will commence. You - know who the critics are? The men who have - failed in literature and art. - - _Phoebus_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Lothair_. - - - That climax of all human ills-- - The inflammation of his weekly bills. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - On n'a guère de défauts qui ne soient plus pardonnables - que les moyens dont on se sert pour les - cacher. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - Meeting a friend one day, when the weather had - taken a most sudden and unaccountable turn - from cold to warmth, the subject was mooted - as usual, and characterized by the gentleman as being - "most extraordinary." "Yes," replied [Compton], "it - is a most unheard of thing; we've jumped from winter - into summer without a spring." - - _Memoir of Henry Compton._ - - - "Pray what is this Permissive Bill, - That some folks rave about? - I can't with all my pains and skill, - Its meaning quite make out?" - O! it's a little simple Bill, - That seeks to pass _incog._, - To _permit_ ME--to _prevent_ YOU-- - From having a glass of grog. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - Quelque mal qu'un homme puisse penser des - femmes, il n'y a pas de femme qui n'en pense - encore plus mal que lui. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - With thy fogs, all so thick and so yellow, - The most approved tint for _ennui_, - Oh, when shall a man see thy fellow, - November, for _felo-de-se_? - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. - - - "Life," continued Mr. Rose, "is a series of - moments and emotions." - "And a series of absurdities, too, very - often," said Dr. Jenkinson. - "Life is a solemn mystery," said Mr. Stocks, severely. - "Life is a damned nuisance," muttered Leslie to himself. - - W. H. MALLOCK, _The New Republic_. - - - The world's an ugly world. Offend - Good people, how they wrangle! - Their manners that they never mend,-- - The characters they mangle! - They eat, and drink, and scheme, and plod,-- - They go to church on Sunday; - And many are afraid of God-- - And more of _Mrs. Grundy_. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - I went away the first, in order to give the men an - opportunity of abusing me; for whenever the - men abuse, the women, to support alike their - coquetry and the conversation, think themselves called - upon to defend. - - _Pelham_, in LORD LYTTON's novel. - - - There's one John Bright, a Manchester man, - Who taught the Tories to rule, - By setting their stamp on his patent plan - For renewing the youth of John Bull; - But I say that it won't do at all. - To seek for salvation - By mere numeration - Of polls would surprise, - If they were to rise, - Not a little both Plato and Paul. - - J. S. BLACKIE, _Musa Burschicosa_. - - - Une femme vertueuse a dans le coeur une fibre du - moins ou de plus que les autres femmes; elle est - stupide ou sublime. - - BALZAC, _Physiologie du Mariage_. - - - _ON SCOTCH WEATHER._ - - Scotland! thy weather's like a modish wife; - Thy winds and rains for ever are at strife; - Like thee the termagants their blustering try, - And, when they can no longer scold, they cry. - - AARON HILL (1685-1750). - - - Went with Lamb to Richman's. Richman produced - one of Chatterton's forgeries. In one - manuscript there were seventeen different kinds - of e's. "Oh," said Lamb, "that must have been written - by one of the-- - 'Mob of gentlemen who write with _ease_.'" - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - _SCIRE TUUM NIHIL FIT._ - - To have a thing is little, if you're not allowed to show it, - And to know a thing is nothing, unless others know you know it. - - LORD NEAVES. - - - You're at an evening party, with - A group of pleasant folks,-- - You venture quietly to crack - The least of little jokes,-- - A lady doesn't catch the point, - And begs you to explain,-- - Alas! for one who drops a jest - And takes it up again! - - You drop a pretty _jeu-de-mot_ - Into a neighbour's ears, - Who likes to give you credit for - The clever things he hears; - And so he hawks your jest about, - The old, authentic one, - Just breaking off the point of it, - And leaving out the pun! - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. - - - [Montrond's] death was a very wretched one. - Left alone to the tender mercies of a well-known - "lorette" of those days, Desirée R----, - as he lay upon his bed, between fits of pain and drowsiness, - he could see his fair friend picking from his shelves - the choicest specimens of his old Sèvres china, or other - articles of _vertu_. Turning to his doctor, he said, with a - gleam of his old fun, "Qu'elle est attachante, cette - femme-là!" - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - We love thee, Ann Maria Smith, - And in thy condescension - We see a future full of joys - Too numerous to mention. - - There's Cupid's arrow in thy glance, - That by thy love's coercion - Has reached our melting heart of hearts, - And asked for one insertion. - - There's music in thy honest tone, - And silver in thy laughter; - And truth--but we will give the full - Particulars hereafter. - - R. H. NEWELL, _Orpheus C. Kerr Papers_. - - - "Of course you know the three reasons which take - men into society in London?" I said, after a - pause. - - "No, I don't. What are they?" - - "Either to find a wife, or to look after one's wife, or - to look after somebody else's." - - L. OLIPHANT, _Piccadilly_. - - - _ON ONE WHO HAD A LARGE NOSE AND SQUINTED._ - - The reason why Doctor Dash squints, I suppose, - Is because his two eyes are afraid of his nose. - - ANON., in MOORE's _Diary_. - - - Never attack whole bodies of any kind. Individuals - forgive sometimes; but bodies and - societies never do. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - _ON THE RIGHTS OF MINORITIES._ - - Sturdy Tom Paine, biographers relate, - Once with his friends engaged in warm debate. - Said they, "Minorities are always right;" - Said he, "The truth is just the opposite." - Finding them stubborn, "Frankly, now," said he, - "In this opinion do ye all agree; - All, every one, without exception?" When - They thus affirmed unanimously, "Then, - Correct," said he, "my sentiment must be, - For I myself am the minority." - - R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_. - - - The Indians on the Overland Route live on route - and herbs. They are an intemperate people. - They drink with impunity, or anybody who - invites them. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - _ON ONE WEARING FALSE HAIR._ - - They say that thou dost tinge (O monstrous lie!) - The hair that thou so raven-black dost buy. - - LUCILIUS, trans. by R. GARNETT. - - - A nation does wisely if not well, in starving her - men of genius. Fatten them, and they are done - for. - - CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. - - - When the enterprising burglar's not a-burgling, - When the cut-throat isn't occupied with crime - He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling, - And listen to the merry village chime. - When the coster's finished jumping on his mother, - He loves to lie a-basking in the sun-- - Oh! take one consideration with another, - The policeman's lot is not a happy one! - - W. S. GILBERT, _Pirates of Penzance_. - - - The young girl said: "The gentleman must be very - rich, for he is very ugly." The public judges in - a similar manner: "The man must be very - learned, for he is very tiresome." - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Thoughts and Fancies_. - - - And he chirped and sang, and skipped about, and - laughed with laughter hearty, - He was so wonderfully active for so very stout - a party. - - And I said, "O gentle pie-man, why so very, very merry? - Is it purity of conscience, or your one-and-seven sherry?" - - W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_. - - - Speculation--a word that sometimes begins - with its second letter. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - He remembers the ball at the Ferry, - And the ride, and the gate, and the vow, - And the rose that you gave him--that very - Same rose he is treasuring now - (Which his blanket he's kicked on his trunk, Miss, - And insists on his legs being free; - And his language to me from his bunk, Miss, - Is frequent and painful and free). - - BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. - - - Nous ne trouvons guère de gens de bons sens que - ceux qui sont de notre avis. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - _FRENCH AND ENGLISH._ - - The French excel us very much in millinery; - They also bear the bell in matters culinary. - The reason's plain: French beauty and French meat - With English cannot of themselves compete. - Thus, an inferior article possessing, - Our neighbours help it by superior dressing; - They dress their dishes, and they dress their dames, - Till Art, almost, can rival Nature's claims. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - Priority is a poor recommendation in a husband - if he has got no other. - - _Mrs. Cadwallader_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Middlemarch_. - - - If spirits you would lighten - Consult good Doctor Brighton, - And swallow his prescriptions and abide by his decree: - If nerves be weak or shaken - Just try a week with Bacon, - His physic soon is taken-- - At our London-by-the-Sea. - - J. ASHBY STERRY, _Boudoir Ballads_. - - - The then Duke of Cumberland (the foolish Duke, - as he was called) came one night into Foote's - green-room at the Haymarket Theatre. "Well, - Foote," said he, "here I am, ready, as usual, to swallow - your good things." "Upon my soul," replied Foote, - "your Royal Highness must have an excellent digestion, - for you never bring any up again." - - ROGERS, _Table Talk_. - - - There's folks born to property, and there's folks - catch hold on it; and the law's made for them - as catch hold. - - _Tommy Trounsem_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Felix Holt_. - - - Examining one of the Sunday school boys at - Addington, I asked him what a prophet was. - He did not know. "If I were to tell you what - would happen to you this day twelve month, and it should - come to pass, what would you call me then, my little - man?" "A fortune-teller, sir." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Diary_. - - - Some take a lover, some take drams or prayers; - Some play the devil, and then write a novel. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - Being one day at Trinity College, at dinner, - [Donne] was asked to write a motto for the - College snuff-box, which was always circulating - on the dinner-table. "Considering where we are," said - Donne, "there could be nothing better than 'Quicunque - vult.'" - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - Critics tell me, soon - There'll be no singing in a song, - No melody in tune. - But birds will warble in the trees, - Nor for the critics care; - And in the murmur of the breeze - We yet may find some air. - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. - - - Mr. Bentley proposed to establish a periodical - publication, to be called "The Wits' Miscellany." - [James] Smith objected that the title promised - too much. Shortly afterwards the publisher came to - tell him he had profited by the hint, and resolved to call - it "Bentley's Miscellany." "Isn't that going a little too - far the other way?" was the remark. - - ABRAHAM HAYWARD, _Essays_. - - - Break, break, break! - My cups and saucers, O scout; - And I'm glad that my tongue can't utter - The oaths that my soul points out. - - It is well for the china-shop man - Who gets a fresh order each day; - And it's deucedly well for yourself, - Who are in the said china-man's pay. - - And my stately vases go - To your uncle's, I ween, to be cashed; - And it's oh for the light of my broken lamp, - And the tick of my clock that is smashed. - - Break, break, break! - At the foot of my stairs in glee; - But the coin I have spent in glass that is cracked - Will never come back to me. - - _The Shotover Papers._ - - - Croly said very smart things, and with surprising - readiness. I was at his table one day when one - of the guests inquired the name of a pyramidal - dish of barley-sugar. Some one replied, "A pyramid - _à Macédoine_." "For what use?" rejoined the other. - "To give a _Philip_ to the appetite," said Croly. - - W. H. HARRISON, _Reminiscences_. - - - _ON SOME VERSES CALLED TRIFLES._ - - Paul, I have read your book, and though you write ill, - I needs must praise your most judicious title. - - ANON. - - - Mrs. Posh was one of those incomparable wives - who have a proper command of tongue, who - never reply to angry words at the moment, and - who always, with exquisite calm and self-posession, pay - off every angry word by an amiable sting at the right - moment. - - LORD LYTTON, _What will he do with it?_ - - - _TO LADY BROWN._ - - When I was young and _débonnaire_, - The brownest nymph to me was fair; - But now I'm old, and wiser grown, - The fairest nymph to me is Brown. - - GEORGE, LORD LYTTLETON. - - - When last the Queen was about to be confined, - the Prince Consort said to one of his little boys, - "I think it very likely, my dear, that the Queen - will present you with a little brother or sister; which of - the two would you prefer?" The child, pausing--"Well, - I think, if it is all the same to mamma, I should - prefer a pony." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - Some ladies now make pretty songs, - And some make pretty nurses: - Some men are great at righting wrongs,-- - And some at writing verses. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Follow the light of the old-fashioned Presbyterians - that I've heard sing at Glasgow. The - preacher gives out the Psalm, and then everybody - sings a different tune, as it happens to turn up in - their throats. It's a domineering thing to set a tune - and expect everybody else to follow it. It's a denial of - private judgment. - - _Felix Holt_, in GEORGE ELIOT's novel. - - - _ON A CERTAIN RADICAL._ - - Bloggs rails against high birth. Yes, Bloggs--you see - Your ears are longer than your pedigree. - - JAMES HANNAY, _Sketches and Characters_. - - - I like neighbours, and I like chickens; but I do - not think they ought to be united near a garden. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - Lady, very fair are you, - And your eyes are very blue, - And your hose; - And your brow is like the snow, - And the various things you know - Goodness knows. - - MORTIMER COLLINS, _Ad Chloen, M.A._ - - - The Jacobins, in realizing their systems of fraternization, - always contrived to be the elder - brothers. - - _Guesses at Truth._ - - - Careless rhymer, it is true - That my favourite colour's blue; - But am I - To be made a victim, sir, - If to puddings I prefer - Cambridge [Greek: p]? - - MORTIMER COLLINS, _Chloe, M.A._ - - - Candide - Found life most tolerable after meals. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - Women, and men who are like women, mind the - binding more than the book. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - There was gorging Jack and guzzling Jimmy, - And the youngest he was little Billee. - Now when they got as far as the Equator - They'd nothing left but one split pea. - - Says gorging Jack to guzzling Jimmy, - "I am extremely hungaree." - To gorging Jack says guzzling Jimmy, - "We've nothing left, us must eat we." - - Says gorging Jack to guzzling Jimmy, - "With one another we shouldn't agree! - There's little Bill he's young and tender, - We're old and tough, so let's eat he." - - W. M. THACKERAY. - - - "_WHAT AILS HIM AT THE LASSIE?_" - - A friend tells me a funny little story of Mrs. ---- - (the grandmother of Colonel M----), who was - shown a picture of Joseph and Potiphar's wife, - in which of course the patriarch showed his usual desire - to withdraw himself from her society. Mrs. ---- looked - at it for a little while, and then said, "Eh, now, and what - ails him at the lassie?" - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. - - - In his last illness, reduced as he was to a skeleton, - [Hood] noticed a very large mustard poultice - which Mrs. Hood was making for him, and exclaimed, - "O Mary! Mary! that will be a great deal of - mustard to a very little meat!" - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - _THE LATEST DECALOGUE._ - - Thou shalt have one God only: who - Would be at the expense of two? - No graven images may be - Worshipped, except the currency: - Swear not at all; for, for thy curse, - Thine enemy is none the worse: - At church on Sunday to attend - Will serve to keep the world thy friend: - Honour thy parents; that is, all - From whom advancement may befall: - Thou shalt not kill; but needst not strive - Officiously to keep alive: - Do not adultery commit; - Advantage rarely comes of it: - Thou shalt not steal; an empty feat, - When it's so lucrative to cheat: - Bear not false witness; let the lie - Have time on its own wings to fly: - Thou shalt not covet, but tradition - Approves all forms of competition. - - A. H. CLOUGH, _Poems_. - - - Mr. MacCulloch, the eminent political - economist, in dining with us, a few days after - [an aeronautical friend had made an ascent], - was most anxious to learn where he had descended - on this occasion. The answer was, "Amongst the flats - of Essex." "A most appropriate locality," said my - distinguished countryman, "and one which shows how - true it is that 'birds of a feather flock together.'" - - MARK BOYD, _Reminiscences._ - - - He said that I was proud, mother,--that I looked for rank and gold; - He said I did not love him,--he said my words were cold; - He said I kept him off and on, in hopes of higher game,-- - And it may be that I did, mother; but who hasn't done the same? - - You may lay me in my bed, mother,--my head is throbbing sore; - And, mother, prithee, let the sheets be duly aired before; - And if you'd do a kindness to your poor desponding child, - Draw me a pot of beer, mother--and, mother, draw it mild! - - _Bon Gaultier Ballads._ - - - Voltaire was a very good Jesus Christ--for the - French. - - CHARLES LAMB, _apud_ LEIGH HUNT. - - - _ON A THEATRICAL NUISANCE:_ - - Perched in a box which cost her not a _sou_, - Giglina chatters all the evening through, - Fidgets with opera-glass, and flowers, and shawls, - Annoys the actors, irritates the stalls. - Forgive her harmless pride--the cause is plain-- - She wants us all to know she's had champagne. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - O, I know the way o' wives; they set one on - to abuse their husbands, and then they turn - round on one and praise 'em as if they wanted - to sell 'em. - - _Priscilla Lammeter_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Mill on the Floss_. - - - "And hast thou slain the Jabberwock? - Come to my arms, my beamish boy! - O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!" - He chortled in his joy. - - 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves - Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; - All mimsy were the borogroves, - And the mome raths outgrabe. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Through the Looking-Glass_. - - - Mrs. Wordsworth and a lady were walking - once in a wood where the stock-dove was - cooing. A farmer's wife coming by, said, "Oh, - I do like stock-doves!" Mrs. Wordsworth, in all her - enthusiasm for Wordsworth's beautiful address to the - stock-dove, took the old woman to her heart. "But," - continued the old woman, "some like 'em in a pie; for - my part there's nothing like 'em stewed in onions!" - - B. R. HAYDON, _Diary_. - - - _TO AN AUTHOR._ - - In spite of hints, in spite of looks, - Titus, I send thee not my books. - The reason, Titus, canst divine? - I fear lest thou shouldst send me thine. - - MARTIAL, trans. by R. GARNETT. - - - A friend, who was about to marry the natural - daughter of the Duke de ----, was expatiating - at great length on the virtues, good qualities, - and talents of his future wife, but without making allusion - to her birth. "A t'entendre," observed Montrond, "on - dirait que tu épouses une fille surnaturelle." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - Reading new books is like eating new bread: - One can bear it at first, but by gradual steps he - Is brought to death's door of a mental dyspepsy. - - J. R. LOWELL, _A Fable for Critics_. - - - Casey mentioned to me a parody of his on two - lines in the "Veiled Prophet":-- - "He knew no more of fear than one who dwells - Beneath the tropics knows of icicles." - - The following is his parody, which, bless my stars, none - of my critics were lively enough to hit upon, for it would - have stuck by me:-- - "He knew no more of fear than one who dwells - On Scotia's mountains knows of shoe-buckles." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - Why mourns my Eugene? In his dark eye of blue - Why trembles the tear-drop to sympathy due? - Ah, why must a bosom so pure and refin'd - Thus vibrate, all nerve, at the woes of mankind? - - Like a sunbeam the clouds of the tempest between, - A smile lights the eye of the pensive Eugene; - And thus, in soft accents, the mourner replies, - "Hang your mustard! it brings the tears in my eyes!" - - R. H. BARHAM, _Ingoldsby Lyrics_. - - - Dress does not make a man, but it often makes a - successful one. What all men should avoid is - the "shabby genteel." No man ever gets over - it. You had better be in rags. - - _Vigo_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Endymion_. - - - In moss-prankt dells which the sunbeams flatter - (And Heaven it knoweth what that may mean; - Meaning, however, is no great matter) - Where woods are a-tremble, with rifts atween; - - Thro' God's own heather we wonn'd together, - I and my Willie (O love, my love!): - I need hardly remark it was glorious weather, - And flitter-bats waver'd alow, above. - - Boats were curtsying, rising, bowing - (Boats in that climate are so polite), - And sands were a ribbon of green endowing, - And O the sun-dazzle on bark and bight. - - Thro' the rare red heather we danced together, - (O love, my Willie!) and smelt for flowers: - I must mention again it was glorious weather, - Rhymes are so scarce in this world of ours. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - 'Tis ridiculous for a lord to print verses. It is well - enough to make them to please himself, but to - make them public is foolish. If a man in his - private chamber twirls his bandstrings, or plays with a - rush to please himself, 'tis well enough, but if he should - go into Fleet Street, and sit upon a stall, and twirl - a bandstring, or play with a rush, then all the boys in - the street would laugh at him. - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - Here, in the grassy hollow, would be spread - The snowy cloth--dimpled with various viands. - Ah! cleanly damask of our native land! - Ah! pleasant memory of pigeon-pie, - Short-crusted--savoury-jellied--flow'ry-yolked! - Ah! fair white-bosomed fowl with tawny tongue - Well married! lobster-salad, crisp and cool, - With polished silver from clean crockery - Forked up--washed down with drinks that make me now - Thirsty to think of. - Yes, with ginger-pop - These crags should echo. - Ah! rare golden gleam - Of sack in silver goblets gilt within!-- - Bright evanescent raptures of champagne-- - Brisk bottled stout in pewters creamy-crowned! - - G. J. CAYLEY, _Las Alforgas_. - - - Say, as the witty Duke of Buckingham did to the - dog that bit him, "I wish you were married, and - went to live in the country." - - _Ellesmere_, in HELPS' _Friends in Council_. - - - Croquet-- - A dainty and difficult sport in its way. - Thus I counsel the sage, who to play at it stoops, - _Belabour thy neighbour and spoon through thy hoops_. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - We are never so thoroughly tired of the company of - any one else as we are sometimes of our own. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - _ON A VERY TRIFLING FELLOW BEING KNIGHTED._ - - What! Dares made a knight! No, don't be frighted; - He only lost his way, and was be-nighted. - - RICHARD GRAVES (1715-1804). - - - Satan was a blunderer, an introducer of _novità_, - who made a stupendous failure. If he had succeeded, - we should all have been worshipping - him, and his portrait would have been more flattered. - - _Machiavelli_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Romola_. - - - You see the goodly hair that Galla wears; - 'Tis certain her own hair: who would have thought it? - She swears it is her own, and true she swears, - For hard by Temple Bar last day she bought it. - - SIR JOHN HARYNGTON (1561-1612). - - - The worst of human maladies are the most transient - also--love that is half despairing, and seasickness - that is quite so. - - _Leslie_, in MALLOCK's _New Republic_. - - - _ON A SMALL EATER._ - - Simplicity is best, 'tis true, - But not in every mortal's power: - If thou, O maid, canst live on dew, - 'Tis proof thou art indeed a flower. - - R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_. - - - On Walpole's remarking that, of two pictures mentioned, - one was "a shade above the other in - point of merit," [Hook] replied: "I presume you - mean to say it was a _shade over_ (_chef d'oeuvre_)." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Diary_. - - - The nightingales are all about-- - Their song is everywhere-- - Their notes are lovely (though they're out - So often in the air). - - The zephyr, dancing through the tops - Of ash and poplar, weaves - Low melodies, and scarcely stops - To murmur "By your leaves!" - - Night steeps the passions of the day - In quiet, peace, and love. - Pale Dian, in her tranquil way, - Kicks up a shine above. - - H. S. LEIGH, CAROLS OF COCKAYNE. - - - Tinder--a thin rag; such, for instance, as the - dresses of modern females, intended to catch the - sparks, raise a flame, and light up a match. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - _ON DRESS._ - - He who a gold-finch strives to make his wife - Makes her, perhaps, a wag-tail all her life. - - _A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727). - - - [Of Lafayette]: The world is surprised that there - was once an honest man: the situation remains - vacant. - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Thoughts and Fancies_. - - - _ON AILING AND ALE-ING._ - - Come, come, for trifles never stick: - Most servants have a failing; - Yours, it is true, are sometimes sick, - But mine are always ale-ing. - - HENRY LUTTRELL. - - - Sir George Rose, being introduced one day - to two charming young ladies, whose names were - Mary and Louisa, instantly added, with a bow, - "Ah, yes! _Marie-Louise_--the sweetest _pear_ I know!" - - _Macmillan's Magazine._ - - - _TO A CRUEL FAIR ONE._ - - 'Tis done; I yield; adieu, thou cruel fair! - Adieu, th' averted face, th' ungracious cheek! - I go to die, to finish all my care, - To hang--to hang?--yes, round another's neck. - - LEIGH HUNT (from the French). - - - _Bishop (reproving delinquent Page)._ "Wretched - boy! _Who_ is it that sees and hears all we do, - and before whom _even I_ am but as a crushed - worm?" - _Page._ "The Missus, my Lord!" - - _Punch._ - - - _ON DRUNKEN COURAGE._ - - Who only in his cups will fight is like - A clock that must be oil'd well ere it strikes. - - THOMAS BANCROFT (_circa_ 1600). - - - Talking to ---- is like playing long whist. - - LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. - - - _CERBERUS._ - - My dog, who picks up everything one teaches, - Has got "three heads," like Mr. Gladstone's speeches, - But, as might naturally be expected, - His are considerably more connected. - - H. J. BYRON, in _English Epigrams_. - - - Blessed be the word "nice"!--it is the copper - coin of commendation. Without it, we should - have to praise more handsomely. - - CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. - - - _ON NEWGATE WINDOWS._ - - All Newgate windows bay windows they be; - All lookers out there stand at bay we see. - - JOHN HEYWOOD (1506-1565). - - - It was a grand scene, Mr. Artemus Ward standing - on the platform; many of the audience sleeping - tranquilly in their seats; others leaving the - room and not returning; others crying like a child at - some of the jokes,--all, all formed a most impressive scene, - and showed the powers of this remarkable orator. And - when he announced that he should never lecture in that - town again, the applause was absolutely deafening. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - _THE REASONS FOR DRINKING._ - - If all be true that I do think, - There are five reasons we should drink: - Good wine; a friend; or being dry; - Or lest we should be by-and-by; - Or any other reason why. - - HENRY ALDRICH. - - - [Barham] having expressed himself in terms of - abhorrence of a piece of baseness and treachery - which came under his notice, he was addressed - by the delinquent with--"Well, sir, perhaps some day - you may come to change your opinion of me!" "Perhaps - I may, sir," was the reply; "for if I should find - any one who holds a more contemptible opinion of you - than I do myself, I should lay down my own and take up - his." - - R. H. D. BARHAM, _Life of Barham_. - - - _FALSE LOVE'S QUIRK._ - - "Oh, sweet one!" sighs the lover, - "Could I but this discover,-- - Thy breast so softly moving, - Will it ever cease from loving?" - - Says she, her eyes upturning, - "The love within me burning - No time can ever smother"-- - For some one or another! - - LORD SOUTHESK, _Greenwood's Farewell_. - - - Benjamin Constant, on some one asking - (with reference to his book on religion) how he - managed to reconcile the statements of his - latter volumes with those of his first, published so long - ago, answered, "Il n'y a rien qui s'arrange aussi facilement - que les faits." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - I'm told that virgins augur some - Misfortune if their shoe-strings come - To grief on Friday: - And so did Di, and then her pride - Decreed that shoe-strings so untied - Are "so untidy!" - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - On one occasion the late Lady Holland took - [Luttrell] a drive in her carriage over a rough - road; and as she was very nervous, she insisted - on being driven at a foot's pace. This ordeal lasted - some hours, and when he was at last released, poor - Luttrell, perfectly exasperated, rushed into the nearest - club-house, and exclaimed, clenching his teeth and - hands, "The very funerals passed us!" - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - _TO A YOUNG LADY._ - - An original something dear maid, you would win me - To write, but how shall I begin? - For I fear I have nothing original in me-- - Excepting Original Sin. - - THOMAS CAMPBELL. - - - La société est un état de guerre, réglé par les lois. - - _L'Art de Parvenir._ - - - Perchance it was her eyes of blue, - Her cheeks that might the rose have shamed, - Her figure in proportion true - To all the rules by artists framed; - Perhaps it was her mental worth - That made her lover love her so, - Perhaps her name, or wealth, or birth,-- - I cannot tell--I do not know. - - He may have had a rival, who - Did fiercely gage him to a duel, - And being the luckiest of the two - Defeated him with triumph cruel; - Then _she_ may have proved false, and turned - To welcome to her arms his foe, - Left _him_ despairing, conquer'd, spurned,-- - I cannot tell--I do not know. - - _Songs of Singularity._ - - - It is of no use to tell a neighbour that his hens - eat your tomatoes: it makes no impression on - him, for the tomatoes are not his. The best - way is to casually remark to him that he has a fine lot of - chickens, pretty well grown, and that you like spring - chickens broiled. He will take them away at once. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - One persuaded his friend to marry a little woman, - because of evils the least was to be chosen. - - _Conceits, Clinches_, etc. (1639). - - - Charles Kemble used to tell a story about - some poor foreigner, dancer or pantomimist in - the country, who, after many annual attempts - to clear his expenses, came forward one evening with a - face beaming with pleasure and gratitude, and addressed - the audience in these words:--"Dear Public! moche - oblige. Ver good benefice--only lose half-a-crown. I - come again!" - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - "Let's show," said M'Clan, "to this Sassenach loon - That the bag-pipes _can_ play him a regular tune. - Let's see," said M'Clan, as he thoughtfully sat, - "'In my Cottage' is easy--I'll practise at that." - - He blew at his "Cottage," and blew with a will, - For a year, seven months, and a fortnight, until - (You'll hardly believe it) M'Clan, I declare, - Elicited something resembling an air. - - It was wild--it was fitful--as wild as the breeze-- - It wandered about into several keys; - It was jerky, spasmodic, and harsh, I'm aware; - But still it distinctly suggested an air. - - W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_. - - - All men are brothers--Cains and Abels. - - ANON. - - - The blameless king - Rising again (to Lancelot's discontent, - Who held all speeches a tremendous bore), - Said, "If one duty to be done remains, - And 'tis neglected, all the rest is nought - But Dead Sea apples and the acts of Apes." - - Smiled Guinevere, and begged him not to preach; - She knew that duty, and it should be done; - So what of pudding on that festal night - Was not consumed by Arthur and his guests, - The queen upon the following morning fried. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - One way of getting an idea of our fellow-countrymen's - miseries is to go and look at their - pleasures. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Felix Holt_. - - - _TO A RICH LADY._ - - I will not ask if thou canst touch - The tuneful ivory key,-- - Those silent notes of thine are such - As quite suffice for me. - - I'll make no question if thy skill - The pencil comprehends;-- - Enough for me, love, if thou still - Canst draw--thy dividends. - - _Punch._ - - - At the Duke of Wellington's funeral, the little child - of a friend of mine was standing with her mother - at Lord Ashburton's window to see the mournful - pageant. During the passage of the procession, she - made no remark until the duke's horse was led by, its - saddle empty, and his boots reversed in the stirrups, - when she looked up in her mother's face and said, - "Mamma, when we die, will there be nothing left of us - but boots?" - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - Such power hath Beer. The heart which Grief hath canker'd - Hath one unfailing remedy--the tankard. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_. - - - Dined with Mr. (Sydney) Smith. He told me of - the motto he had proposed for Bishop Burgess's - arms, in allusion to his brother, the well-known - fish-sauce projector: - - "_Gravi_ jamdudum _saucia_ curâ." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - One's self-satisfaction is an untaxed kind of - property which it is very unpleasant to find - depreciated. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Middlemarch_. - - - "My lord cannot stand Treeby more than two days, - and Treeby cannot stand my lord for a longer - period, and that is why they are such friends." - "A sound basis of agreement," said Lord Roehampton. - "I believe absence is a great element of charm." - - LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Endymion_. - - - _SALAD._ - - O cool in the summer is salad, - And warm in the winter is love; - And a poet shall sing you a ballad - Delicious thereon and thereof. - A singer I am, if no sinner, - My muse has a marvellous wing, - And I willingly worship at dinner - The Sirens of Spring. - - Take Endive--like love it is bitter, - Take beet--for like love it is red, - Crisp leaf of the lettuce shall glitter, - And cress from the rivulet's bed: - Anchovies, foam-born, like the lady - Whose beauty has maddened this bard; - And olives, from groves that are shady; - And eggs--boil 'em hard. - - MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_. - - - Query, whether churches are not dormitories of - the living as well as of the dead? - - SWIFT, _Thoughts_. - - - The Mock Turtle said, "No wise fish would go - anywhere without a porpoise." - - "Wouldn't it, really?" said Alice, in a tone of - great surprise. - - "Of course not," said the Mock Turtle; "why, if a - fish came to _me_, and told me he was going a journey, I - should say, 'With what porpoise?'" - - "Don't you mean 'purpose?'" said Alice. - - "I mean what I say," the Mock Turtle replied, in an - offended tone. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - Vill'st dou learn de Deutsche Sprache? - If a shendleman dou art, - Denn strike right indo Deutschland, - Und get a schveetes-heart. - From Schwabenland or Sachsen, - Vhere now dis writer pees; - Und de bretty girls all wachsen - Shoost like aepples on de drees. - - Boot if dou bee'st a laty, - Denn, on de oder hand, - Take a blonde moustachioed lofer - In de vine green Sherman land. - Und if you shoost kit married - (Vood mit vood soon makes a vire), - You'll learn to sprechen Deutsch, mein kind, - Ash fast ash you tesire. - - C. G. LELAND, _Breitmann Ballads_. - - - The Bishop of St. David's has been studying Welsh - all the summer; it is a difficult language, and I - hope he will be careful,--it is so easy for him to - take up the Funeral Service and read it over the next - wedding-party, or to make a mistake in a tense in a - Confirmation, and the children will have renounced their - godfathers and godmothers and got nothing in their - place. - - SYDNEY SMITH, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. - - - Beautiful soup, so rich and green, - Waiting in a hot tureen! - Who for such dainties would not stoop? - Soup of the evening, beautiful soup! - Soup of the evening, beautiful soup! - - Beautiful soup! Who cares for fish, - Game, or any other dish? - Who would not give all else for two p - Ennyworth only of beautiful soup? - Pennyworth only of beautiful soup? - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - Writing to Manning, Charles Lamb says: "---- - says he could write like Shakespeare if he had a - _mind_--so you see nothing is wanting but the - _mind_." - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - _ON BALLS AND OPERAS._ - - If by their names we things should call, - It surely would be properer - To term a singing-piece a _bawl_, - A dancing-piece a _hopperer_! - - ANON. - - - Among all forms of mistake, prophecy is the most - gratuitous. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Middlemarch_. - - - _ON LOVE._ - - Love levels all--it elevates the clown, - And often brings the fattest people down. - - H. J. BYRON, in _English Epigrams_. - - - The Hanoverian squires are asses who can talk of - nothing but horses. - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Thoughts and Fancies_. - - - Sir George Warrender was once obliged to put off - a dinner-party in consequence of the death of - a relative, and sat down to a haunch of venison - by himself. While eating, he said to his butler, "John, - this will make a capital hash to-morrow." "Yes, Sir - George, if you leave off _now_!" - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - _TO CHLORIS._ - - Chloris, I swear, by all I ever swore, - That from this hour I shall not love thee more. - "What! love no more? oh, why this altered vow?" - Because I _cannot_ love thee _more_--than _now_. - - THOMAS MOORE. - - - You close your petition with the words: "And we - will ever pray." I think you had better--you - need to do it. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - Husbands, more covetous than sage, - Condemn this china-buying rage; - They count that woman's prudence little - Who sets her heart on things so brittle. - - JOHN GAY, _Poems_. - - - Umbrella--an article which, by the morality of - society, you may steal from friend or foe, and - which, for the same reason, you should not lend - to either. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - La curiosité n'est que la vanité. Le plus souvent - on ne veut savoir que pour en parler. - - PASCAL, _Pensées_. - - - O how unlike our shores, - Where with ten thousand tongues each city roars! - There to all men, whate'er their age or walk, - Life's one great solemn business is to talk. - There what the penny press by morning write - Is echoed for a halfpenny at night: - There stump young Ministers; old Maids debate; - There loud Professors scold like Billingsgate: - There, as the World into the Church expands, - A moral Atheist spouts in parson's bands; - And poets, doubtful of the parts of speech, - Desperate of rhyme, acquire the art to preach. - - _Windbag_, in COURTHOPE's _Paradise of Birds_. - - - Prince Metternich said to Lord Dudley, - "You are the only Englishman I know who - speaks good French. It is remarked, the - common people in Vienna speak better than the educated - men in London." "That may well be," replied - Lord Dudley. "Your Highness should recollect that - Buonaparte has not been twice in London to teach - them." - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - When a felon's not engaged in his employment, - Or maturing his felonious little plans, - His capacity for innocent enjoyment - Is just as great as any honest man's. - - W. S. GILBERT, _Pirates of Penzance_. - - - She's an angel in a frock - With a fascinating cock - To her nose. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - To speak highly of one with whom we are intimate - is a species of egotism. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - The annals of our native land were lapsed in doubt and mystery, - Till Mr. Freeman t'other day discovered English History, - And now admonishes the world it is his fixed intention - To make it a monopoly and patent the invention. - - F. D., in _Pall Mall Gazette_. - - - "It is rather sad," sighed Virginia, as she dived - into a box of French chocolate-creams, "to - think that all the poor people are drowned - that these things belonged to." - - "They are not dead," said the Professor: "they still - live on this holy and stupendous earth. They live in - the use we are making of all they had got together. The - owner of those chocolate-creams is immortal because you - are eating them." - - Virginia licked her lips, and said, "Nonsense!" - - "It is not nonsense," said the Professor. "It is the - religion of Humanity." - - W. H. MALLOCK, _The New Paul and Virginia_. - - - The sort of fun - I witnessed there _was_ "awful;" - Buffoonery devoid of all - That makes an art of folly, - Music that was "most music-hall," - To hear "most melancholy." - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. - - - You are a woman; you must never speak what - you think: your words must contradict your - thoughts: but your actions may contradict your - words. So, when I ask you if you can love me, you - must say no; but you must love me too. If I tell you - you are handsome, you must deny it, and say I flatter - you; and you must think yourself more charming than - I speak you, and like me for the beauty I say you have, - as much as if I had it myself. - - _Tattle_, in CONGREVE's _Love for Love_. - - - Dear Poet, do not rhyme at all! - But if you must, don't tell your neighbour, - Or five in six, who cannot scrawl, - Will dub you donkey for your labour. - Be patient, but be sure you won't - Win vogue without extreme vexation; - Yet hope for sympathy,--but don't - Expect it from a near relation. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Nous pardonnons souvent à ceux qui nous ennuient; - mais nous ne pouvons pardonner à ceux qui - nous ennuyons. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - There is a phrase we oft have seen - On bottle-labels writ, - And those who invalids have been - Best know the drift of it; - It may embody in a line - A world of chemic lore, - And skill to portion and combine-- - _The mixture as before_. - - This will apply to many things, - To oratory most, - Addresses made to kings and queens, - And wedding speech and toast; - For commonplace and compliment - Are mingled o'er and o'er; - _This_ saves the trouble to invent-- - _The mixture as before_. - - _Songs of Singularity._ - - - I had forgotten to mention that essay, Miss - Daylmer; that is our essay on cookery,--the - one we always begin with in reading to ladies; - as Milverton said, "entirely within their province." I - wish they paid more attention to it; but people seldom - do attend to things within their province. - - _Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_. - - - There was an old waiter at Wapping - Drew corks for a week without stopping; - Cried he, "It's too bad! - The practice I've had! - Yet cannot prevent them from popping!" - - There was an old priest of Peru, - Who dreamt he converted a Jew; - He woke in the night - In a deuce of a fright, - And found it was perfectly true. - - There was an old witch of Malacca, - Who smoked such atrocious tob_acca_, - When tigers came near, - They trembled with fear, - And didn't attempt to att_acca_. - - _Songs of Singularity._ - - - A woman dictates before marriage in order that - she may have an appetite for submission afterwards. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Middlemarch_. - - - Sydney Smith, speaking of his being shampooed - at Mahomet's Baths at Brighton in 1840, - said they "squeezed enough out of him to make - a lean curate." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - Now brim your glass, and plant it well - Beneath your nose on the table, - And you will find what philosophers tell - Of I and non-I is no fable. - Now listen to wisdom, my son! - Myself am the subject, - This wine is the object: - These things are two, - But I'll prove to you - That subject and object are one. - - I take this glass in my hand, and stand - Upon my legs, if I can, - And look and smile benign and bland, - And feel that I am a man. - Now stretch all the strength of your brains! - I drink--and the object - Is lost in the subject, - Making one entity - In the identity - Of me, and the wine in my veins! - - J. S. BLACKIE, _Musa Burschicosa_. - - - Punsters being abused, and the old joke - repeated that "He who puns will pick a pocket," - some one said, "Punsters themselves have no - pockets." "No," said Lamb, "they carry only a - _ridicule_." - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - It is always a pleasure to me when two of my - friends like each other, just as I am always glad - when two of my enemies take to fighting with each - other. - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Preface to Don Quixote_. - - - He stood on his head on the wild sea-shore, - And joy was the cause of the act, - For he felt as he never had felt before, - Insanely glad, in fact. - - And why? In that vessel that left the bay - His mother-in-law had sail'd - To a tropical country far away, - Where tigers and snakes prevail'd. - - _Songs of Singularity._ - - - [Berkeley] had no ear for music himself, but - music was an enthusiasm in the family, and he - retained the well-known Signor Pasquilino for - years to teach his children. It was then that the Signor, - who had been learning English from a dictionary, exclaimed - in an outbreak of gratitude, "May God _pickle_ - your lordship!" - - A. C. FRASER, _Berkeley_. - - - Women always did, from the first, make a muss in - a garden. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - _GOOD ADVICE._ - - This gardener's rule applies to youth and age: - When young "sow wild oats," but when old "grow sage." - - H. J. BYRON, in _English Epigrams_. - - - The sacred slow harmonium bring, - The gentler pianette, - The cymbals, with sonorous ring, - The dulcet flageolet. - - Nor be the voice of glory dumb, - Of conquest and of strife, - Bring forth the stirring trump and drum, - The shrill and piercing fife. - - Ay, bring them all, my soul with glee - To music I'll devote; - Bring all--for all are one to me,-- - I cannot play a note! - - _Songs of Singularity._ - - - We sometimes hate those who differ from us in - opinion worse than we should for an attempt to - injure us in the most serious point. A favourite - theory is a possession for life; and we resent any attack - upon it proportionably. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - When Mrs. M'Gibbon was preparing to act Jane - Shore, at Liverpool, her dresser, an ignorant - country girl, informed her that a woman had - called to request two box orders, because she and her - daughter had walked four miles on purpose to see the - play. "Does she know me?" inquired the mistress. - "Not at all," was the reply. "What a very odd request!" - exclaimed Mrs. M'G. "Has the good woman got her - faculties about her?" "I think she have, ma'am, for I - see she ha' got summut tied up in a red silk handkercher." - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - A clerke ther was, a puissant wight was hee, - Who of ye Wethere hadde ye maisterie; - Alway it was his mirthe and his solace - To put eche seson's wethere out of place. - - Whaune that Aprille shoures wer our desyre, - He gaf us Julye sonnes as hotte as fyre; - But sith ye summere togges we donned agayne, - Eftsoons ye wethere chaunged to colde and rayne. - - _Songs of Singularity._ - - - I shouldn't like to be a man--to cough so - loud, and stand straddling about on a wet day, - and be so wasteful with meat and drink. They're - a coarse lot, I think. - - _Denner_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Felix Holt_. - - - Once the mastodon was: pterodactyls were common as cocks: - Then the Mammoth was God: now is He a prize ox. - - Parallels all things are: yet many of these are askew: - You are certainly I: but certainly I am not you. - - Springs the rock from the plain, shoots the stream from the rock: - Cocks exist for the hen: but hens exist for the cock. - - God, whom we see not, is: and God, who is not, we see: - Fiddle, we know, is diddle: and diddle, we take it, is dee. - - _The Heptalogia._ - - - _A privileged person._--One who is so - much of a savage when thwarted that civilized - persons avoid thwarting him. - - ANNE EVANS, _Poems and Music_. - - - I've studied human nature, and I know a thing or two; - Though a girl may fondly love a living gent, as many do: - A feeling of disgust upon her senses there will fall - When she looks upon his body chopped particularly small. - - W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_. - - - The Bishop of Exeter, in the course of conversation - at a dinner-party, mentioned that many - years since, while trout-fishing, he lost his watch - and chain, which he supposed had been pulled from his - pocket by the bough of a tree. Some time afterwards, - when staying in the same neighbourhood, he took a - stroll by the side of the river, and came to the secluded - spot where he supposed he had lost his valuables, and - there, to his surprise and delight, he found them under a - bush. The anecdote, vouched for by the word of a - bishop, astonished the company; but this was changed - to amusement by his son's inquiring whether the watch, - when found, was going. "No," replied the bishop; - "the wonder was that it was not gone." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - _ON FORTUNE._ - - Fortune, they say, doth give too much to many: - And yet she never gave enough to any. - - SIR JOHN HARYNGTON (1561-1612). - - - I do not speak of this mole in any tone of complaint. - I desire to write nothing against him - which I should wish to recall at the last,--nothing - foreign to the spirit of that beautiful saying of - the dying boy, "He had no copybook, which, dying, he - was sorry he had blotted." - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - Know, then, that when that touching scene - Had reached its tenderest pitch, - When all was pathos, calm, serene, - _His nose began to itch_. - - 'Twas sad, but so it came to pass, - The knight might chafe and frown, - But could not reach it, for alas! - _He wore his vizor down_. - - _Songs of Singularity._ - - - I remember asking [Bagehot] if he had enjoyed - a particular dinner which he had rather expected - to enjoy, but he replied, "No, the sherry was - bad; tasted as if L---- had dropped his h's into it." - - R. H. HUTTON, _Memoir of W. Bagehot_. - - - When Beings of the fairer sex - Arrange their white arms round our necks, - We are, we ought to be, enraptured. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - "Pray, Mr. Foote, do you ever go to church?" - "No, madam; not that I see any harm in it." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - _ON AN INCAPABLE PERSON._ - - Fortune advanced thee that all might aver - That nothing is impossible to her. - - R. GARNETT (from the Greek). - - - I remember a Trinity College (Dublin) story of - a student who, having to translate Cæsar, rendered - the first sentence, "Omnis Gallia divisa est - in tres partes,"--"All Gaul is quartered into three - halves." - - W. H. HARRISON, _University Magazine_. - - - Always seem to be modest and bashful, yet wise; - Remember the value of using your eyes; - Recollect, too, that money's not easily met, - And always accept every offer you get; - Be polite to all--grandmammas, sisters, and mothers, - For they've all of them grandsons, or own sons or brothers; - And never forget the chief object in life - Is to quickly be settled--a well-to-do wife. - - _Phoebe_, in H. P. STEPHENS's _Billee Taylor_. - - - One asked what herb that was that cured all - diseases. It was answered, "Time." - - _Conceits, Clinches_, etc. (1639). - - - In his sleeves, which were long, - He had twenty-four packs-- - Which was coming it strong, - Yet I state but the facts; - And we found on his nails, which were taper, - What is frequent in tapers--that's wax. - - BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. - - - In a conversation which happened to turn on railway - accidents and the variety of human sufferings, - a bank director observed that he always - felt great interest in the case of a broken limb. "Then, - I suppose," said ----, "for a compound fracture you feel - compound interest." - - W. JERDAN, _Memoirs_. - - - _ON A CERTAIN POET._ - - Thy verses are eternal, O my friend, - For he who reads them reads them to no end. - - _A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727). - - - One day, coming late to dinner in the country, - [Lady Charlotte Lindsay] excused herself by - the "macadamnable" state of the roads. - - LORD HOUGHTON, _Monographs_. - - - I wish some girls that I could name - Were half as silent as their pictures! - - W. M. PRAED. - - - The other day I heard that whimsical fellow G---- - make a rather foolish remark, to the effect that - the pleasure of _not_ going to church was a - pleasure that _never_ palled. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. - - - And day again declines; - In shadow sleep the vines, - And the last ray thro' the pines - Feebly glows, - Then sinks behind yon ridge; - And the usual evening midge - Is settling on the bridge - Of my nose. - - And keen's the air and cold, - And the sheep are in the fold, - And Night walks stable-stoled - Thro' the trees; - And on the silent river - The floating star-beams quiver;-- - And now, the saints deliver - Us from fleas. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_. - - - Tommy Townshend, a violent, foolish fellow, - who was always talking strong language, said in - some debate, "Nothing will satisfy me but to - have the noble Lord [North]'s head; I will have his - head." Lord North said, "The honourable gentleman - says he will have my head. I bear him no malice in - return, for though the honourable gentleman says he will - have my head, I can assure him I would on no account - have his." - - CHARLES GREVILLE, _Diary_. - - - With undissembled grief I tell,-- - For sorrow never comes too late,-- - The simplest bonnet in Pall Mall - Is sold for £1 8_s._ - - CATHARINE M. FANSHAWE. - - - Said the Gryphon, "Do you know why it's called - a whiting?" - - "I never thought about it," said Alice. - "Why?" - - "_It does the boots and shoes_," the Gryphon replied - very solemnly. - - Alice was thoroughly puzzled. "Does the boots and - shoes?" she repeated in a wondering tone. - - "Why, what are _your_ shoes done with?" said the - Gryphon. "I mean, what makes them so shiny?" - - Alice looked down at them, and considered a little - before she gave her answer. "They're done with blacking, - I believe." - - "Boots and shoes under the sea," the Gryphon went - on in a deep voice, "are done with whiting. Now you - know." - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - I'm always dull on Christmas Day, - It lets a flood of ills in, - For that's the time those birds of prey - Bring all their horrid bills in! - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. - - - The wit of a family is usually best received among - strangers. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Middlemarch_. - - - Sweet maids in wimples fair y-wrought, - Shall smile upon thee. Thou shalt say, - Oft, by thy halidame, there's nought - So gracious and so fair as they, - But what thy halidame may be, - I trow 'tis useless asking me. - - H. SAVILE CLARKE. - - - Le vrai honnête homme est celui qui ne se pique de - rien. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - O memory! thou art but a sigh - For friendships dead and loves forgot, - And many a cold and altered eye - That once did say--Forget me not! - - And I must bow me to thy laws, - For--odd although it may be thought-- - I can't tell who the deuce it was - That gave me this Forget-me-not! - - _Bon Gaultier Ballads._ - - - What is Truth? "Bring me the wash-hand basin," - is the reply of Pontius Pilate. - - HEINRICH HEINE, _The Denunciator_. - - - _ON A RECENT ROBBERY._ - - They came and stole my garments, - My stockings, all my store, - But they could not steal my sermons, - For they were stolen before. - - REV. HENRY TOWNSHEND. - - - Some folk's tongues are like the clocks as run on - strikin', not to tell you the time o' day, but - because there's summat wrong i' their own - inside. - - _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - 'Tis said that he lived upon bacon and beans, - And that sometimes he dined upon salt pork and greens; - But he thought that such feeding was rather humdrum,-- - "I've gone the whole hog," said little Tom Thumb. - - As Tom once was crossing a river close by, - A salmon snapped up, as it would at a fly; - But as it was dark Tom did sing rather mum-- - "I'm down in the mouth," said little Tom Thumb. - - Next day a black raven poor Tom did espy, - Which carried him up to the heaven so high; - If the bird let him go, to the ground would he come-- - "I'll be dashed if I do," said little Tom Thumb. - - J. A. SIDEY, _Mistura Curiosa_. - - - It is often harder to praise a friend than an enemy. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - _ON A CERTAIN PARSON._ - - By purchase a man's property is known: - Scarf's sermons and his livings are his own. - - _Epigrams in Distich_ (1740). - - - I measure men's dullness by the devices they - trust in for deceiving others. Your dullest - animal is he who grins and says he doesn't mind - just after he has had his shins kicked. - - MACHIAVELLI, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Romola_. - - - _GRAMMATICAL._ - - The least drop in the world I do not mind: - "Cognac" 's a noun I never yet declined. - - H. J. BYRON, in _English Epigrams_. - - - "There is no middle course," said Charles X. to - Talleyrand, "between the throne and the - scaffold!" "Your Majesty forgets the post-chaise!" - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - I could not, while you shone, - Run all that heartless _babble off_ - That marks the modern _Babylon_. - - ROBERT REECE, in _Comic Poets_. - - - _TO AN IMPORTUNATE HOST - DURING DINNER AND AFTER TENNYSON._ - - Ask me no more: I've had enough Chablis; - The wine may come again, and take the shape, - From glass to glass, of "Mountain" or of "Cape;" - But, my dear boy, when I have answered thee, - Ask me no more. - - Ask me no more: what answer should I give? - I love not pickled pork nor partridge pie; - I feel if I took whisky I should die; - Ask me no more--for I prefer to live: - Ask me no more. - - Ask me no more: unless my fate is sealed, - And I have striven against you all in vain: - Let your good butler bring me Hock again: - Then rest, dear boy. If for this once I yield, - Ask me no more. - - W. D. A. - - - Sir Robert Grant told a story well, and - could pun successfully without boring. By way - of instance, on the beach at Sidmouth he pronounced - the six beautiful Miss Twopennys to be the - "Splendid shilling." - - LORD TEIGNMOUTH, _Reminiscences_. - - - Oh to be wafted away - From this black Aceldama of sorrow, - Where the dust of an earthy to-day, - Is the earth of a dusty to-morrow! - - _Bunthorne_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Patience_. - - - One said, painters were cunning fellows, for they - had a colour for everything they did. - - _Conceits, Clinches_, etc. (1639). - - - Dey vent to hear a breecher of - De last sensadion shtyle, - 'Twas 'nough to make der tyfel weep - To see his "awful shmile." - "Vot bities dat der Fechter ne'er - Vos in Theologie. - Dey'd make him pishop in dis shoorsh," - Said Breitmann, said he. - - C. G. LELAND, _Breitmann Ballads_. - - - "Oh! Pat; and what do you think will be your - feelings on the day of judgment when you - meet Mrs. Mahoney, and the pig you stole from - her, face to face?" "Does your reverence think the pig - will be there?" "Ay, indeed, will he; and what will ye - say then?" "I shall say, your reverence, 'Mrs. Mahoney, - dear, here's the pig that I borrowed of ye, and I'm - mighty glad to have this opportunity of restoring him!'" - - _Life of Rev. W. Harness._ - - - _In vino veritas!_--which means - A man's a very ass in liquor; - The "thief that slowly steals our brains" - Makes nothing but the temper quicker. - Next morning brings a train of woes, - But finds the passions much sedater-- - Who was it, now, that pulled my nose?-- - I'd better go and ask the waiter. - - H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Pegasus Resaddled_. - - - Jones, the tailor, was asked by a customer, who - thought much of his cut, to go down and have - some shooting with him in the country. Among - the party was the Duke of Northumberland. "Well, - Mr. Jones," observed his Grace, "I'm glad to see that - you are becoming a sportsman. What sort of gun do - you shoot with?" "Oh, with a double-breasted one, - your Grace," was the reply. - - _Life of Rev. W. Harness._ - - - Now wedlock is a sober thing, - No more of chains or forges! - A plain young man, a plain gold ring, - The curate, and St. George's. - - EDWARD FITZGERALD. - - - The greatest advantage I know of being thought - a wit by the world, is, that it gives one the - greater freedom of playing the fool. - - POPE, _Thoughts on Various Subjects_. - - - Conceive me, if you can, - An every-day young man: - A common-place type, - With a stick and a pipe, - And a half-bred black-and-tan; - Who thinks suburban "hops" - More fun than "Monday Pops"; - Who's fond of his dinner, - And doesn't get thinner, - On bottled beer and chops;-- - A common-place young man-- - A matter-of-fact young man-- - A steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank-holiday - Every-day young man! - - _Grosvenor_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Patience_. - - - I do not so much want to avoid being cheated, as - to afford the expense of being so; the generality - of mankind being seldom in good humour but - whilst they are imposing upon you in some shape or - other. - - SHENSTONE, _Essays_. - - - Only think, to have lords overrunning the nation, - As plenty as frogs in a Dutch inundation; - No shelter from barons, from earls no protection, - And tadpole young lords, too, in every direction,-- - Things created in haste, just to make a court list of, - Two legs and a coronet all they consist of! - - THOMAS MOORE. - - - Lo! the king, his footsteps this way bending, - His cogitative faculties immersed - In cogibundity of cogitation. - - _Aldiborontiphoscophornio_, in CAREY's _Chrononhotonthologos_. - - - It is with narrow-souled people, as with narrow-necked - bottles: the less they have in them, the - more noise they make in pouring out. - - POPE, _Thoughts on Various Subjects_. - - - One privilege to man is left-- - The privilege of earning - The doss that pays the weekly bills. - - H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Pegasus Resaddled_. - - - _Happy thought._--"Fridoline!" I have her - permission to call her Fridoline. - - Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts!! Happy - thoughts!!! - - I think I am speaking: she speaks: we speak - together. A pause. Oh, for one happy thought, now. - - "May I?" Her head is turned away from me: - slightly. She does not move. "I may?" - - _Happy Thought._--I do. - - F. C. BURNAND, _Happy Thoughts_. - - - - - INDEX. - - - A. - - Absence an element of charm, 236 - - Actress, an inanimate, 59 - - _Adam Bede_, quoted, 11, _et seq._ - - Adam's language, 27 - - Advice, Pope on giving, 87 - - Agreeable person, an, 6 - - Ailing and ale-ing, 227 - - Albemarle, Lord, quoted, 32, _et seq._ - - Alderman, on an, 180 - - Alderson, Baron, on Lord Campbell, 194 - - Aldrich, Dean, quoted, 229 - - _Alice in Wonderland_, quoted, 7, _et seq._ - - "A little backer," 175 - - "All Gaul is quartered," 253 - - "All my eye," 41, 93 - - All Saints, 106 - - Allsopp's ale, 152 - - "All the souls that were," 97 - - Altruism, Mallock on, 167 - - Alvanley, Lord, _mot_ by, 67 - - "Always seem to be modest," 253 - - _Amours de Voyage_, quoted, 59 - - "Anecdotage," 43, 107 - - Animals, George Eliot on, 41, 102 - - _Anti-Jacobin, the_, quoted, 33 - - "Ape in the days that were earlier," 43 - - "Ape with pliable thumb," 17 - - Aristocracy, the, Phoebus on, 170 - - Aristocratic poets, 223 - - Arnold, Matthew, on, 123 - - _Art de Parvenir, L'_, quoted, 231 - - Art-Unions, Hood on, 3 - - Ashburton, Lady, _mots_ by, 30, _et seq._ - - Ashby-Sterry, J., quoted, 22, _et seq._ - - _Aspen Court_, quoted, 5 - - Atalanta, on, 188 - - Athanasian Creed, the, 89 - - Austin, Alfred, quoted, 19, _et seq._ - - - B. - - _Bab Ballads_, quoted, 105, _et seq._ - - Bagehot, Walter, _mots_ by, 84, _et seq._ - - Bailey, Philip James, quoted, 26 - - Balbus, 103 - - _Ballades in Blue China_, quoted, 20, _et seq._ - - Balls and operas, on, 239 - - Balzac, quoted, 4, _et seq._ - - Bancroft, Thomas, quoted, 228 - - Barham, R. H., quoted, 12, _et seq._ - - Barrington, Sir Jonah, quoted, 28 - - Barry, Redmond, _mot_ by, 36 - - Bass's beer, 125 - - Baxter, Rose, and Norton, 66 - - Beaconsfield, Lord, quoted, 6, _et seq._ - - Bean, the, Warner on, 184 - - Bears, Locker on, 23 - - "Beautiful soup," 238 - - Beazley, Samuel, _mots_ by, 51, _et seq._ - - "Beer, such power hath," 235 - - _Beppo_, quoted, 21 - - Berkeley, Grantley, quoted, 142 - - _Biglow Papers, the_, quoted, 30, _et seq._ - - _Billee Taylor_, quoted, 127, _et seq._ - - Bills, Christmas, 256 - - ----, weekly, 202, 264 - - Bishops, Alvanley on, 129 - - "Bisness first," 15 - - Black, a great fact, 5 - - Blackie, Professor, quoted, 45, _et seq._ - - "Bloom of ugliness, the," 195 - - "Blossom of hawthorn," 25 - - Blows, George Eliot on, 137 - - Blue-stockings, on, 9 - - _Bon Gaultier Ballads_, quoted, 71, _et seq._ - - "Books are fatal," 52 - - Books, reading new, 221 - - Boredom, the secret of, 34 - - Bores, Lady Ashburton on, 30 - - _Boudoir Ballads_, quoted, 22, _et seq._ - - Boyd, Mark, quoted, 56, _et seq._ - - Bramston, John, quoted, 48 - - Braxfield, Lord, anecdote of, 133 - - "Break, break, break!" 213 - - _Breitmann Ballads_, quoted, 86, _et seq._ - - Bright, John, Professor Blackie on, 204 - - Brighton, Collins on, 84; - Ashby Sterry on, 211 - - _British Birds, the_, quoted, 21, _et seq._ - - Broad church, the, 36 - - "Broken English," 136 - - Brooks, Shirley, quoted, 5, _et seq._ - - Brown, to Lady, 214 - - Browne, C. F. _See_ Ward, Artemus. - - ----, J. Jemmett, quoted, 5, _et seq._ - - Brummell, _mot_ by, 69 - - Buckle, Professor Blackie on, 127 - - Burnand, F. C., quoted, 88, _et seq._ - - Busby, Dr., anecdote of, 150 - - Business, described, 8 - - Buxton, Charles, quoted, 27, _et seq._ - - Byron, H. J., quoted, 10, _et seq._ - - ----, Lord, quoted, 7, _et seq._; - _mot_ by, 62 - - - C. - - Callender, Miss, _mot_ on, 1 - - Calverley, C. S., quoted, 5, _et seq._ - - Campbell, Thomas, quoted, 231; - Rogers on, 35 - - Candide, Byron on, 216 - - Cannon, _mot_ by, 135 - - "Cannot have everything," 63 - - Cappadocians, on the, 4 - - _Careless Husband, the_, quoted, 1 - - Carey, Henry, quoted, 11, _et seq._ - - Carlyle, on, 180 - - _Carols of Cockayne_, quoted, 44, _et seq._ - - Carroll, Lewis, quoted, 7, _et seq._ - - Castlereagh, Lord, _mot_ by, 34 - - Catch, light-fingered, 135 - - Cayley, G. J., quoted, 80, _et seq._ - - Celebrity, Chamfort on, 13 - - Cerberus, H. J. Byron on, 228 - - Ceremony, 149 - - Chambermaids, Mark Twain on, 124 - - Chamfort, quoted, 13, _et seq._ - - Character, on, 140 - - _Characteristics_, Hazlitt's, quoted, 15, _et seq._ - - Charron, quoted, 174 - - Chatterton, Lady, quoted, 93 - - Chelmsford, Lord, _mot_ by, 142 - - Chesterfield, Lord, quoted, 53, _et seq._ - - Children, Dudley Warner on, 154 - - China, blue, 149 - - China-buying, 240 - - Chloe, Mortimer Collins's, 216 - - Chloris, to, 240 - - Chorley, H. F., quoted, 2, _et seq._ - - Christ Church "Marriage," 193 - - _Chrononhotonthologos_, quoted, 11, _et seq._ - - Churches as dormitories, 236 - - Cibber, Colley, quoted, 1 - - Clergy, the, and hoeing, 200 - - Close-fist's subscription, 194 - - Clough, A. H., quoted, 6, _et seq._ - - "Coach, coach, coach!" 11 - - Cockney, the, 173 - - "Cognac," Byron on, 259 - - Coleridge, S. T., quoted, 76, _et seq._ - - _Collection of Epigrams_, quoted, 3, _et seq._ - - College life, 166 - - Collins, Mortimer, quoted, 21, _et seq._ - - _Comic Poets_, quoted, 57, _et seq._ - - Companies, Thurlow on, 72 - - Company, our own, 225 - - Compliments, 60, 188 - - Compton's _Life_, quoted, 14, _et seq._; - _mots_ by, 55, _et seq._ - - _Conceits, Clinches_, etc., quoted, 232, _et seq._ - - Congreve, William, quoted, 12, _et seq._ - - Conscience, Mallock on, 108; - Byron on, 116 - - Constancy, Vauvenargues on, 65 - - Constant, Benjamin, _mot_ by, 230 - - Contentment, Holmes on, 24 - - Cork, Lady, anecdote of, 131 - - "Cornet waltzes, a," 54 - - Cornopean, the amateur, 173 - - Courage, drunken, on, 228 - - Courthope, W. J., quoted, 153 - - Courtship and marriage, 178 - - Cowden Clarke, Mrs., quoted, 78 - - Crawley, Richard, quoted, 36 - - Critics, the, 202 - - Croly, George, quoted, 188 - - Croquet, advice on, 224 - - Cunningham, John, quoted, 180 - - Curiosity only vanity, 240 - - Curran, _mots_ by, 29, _et seq._ - - "Cursed be the whole concern," 191 - - - D. - - Daddy Longlegs, Whately on, 90 - - Damnation, preaching, 30 - - Darwin, on, 8, 180 - - Daughter, an obstinate, 37 - - Davies, Scrope, quoted, 130 - - Deshoulières, Madame, quoted, 37 - - _Devil's Walk, the_, quoted, 36 - - _Diary_, Crabb Robinson's, quoted, 24, _et seq._ - - ---- Greville's, quoted, 129 - - ----, Moore's, quoted, 9, _et seq._ - - ----, W. C. Macready's, quoted, 75, _et seq._ - - ----, Young's, quoted, 4, _et seq._ - - Dickens, Charles, quoted, 15, _et seq._ - - Dinner, after, 185 - - Dinner-bell, Lord Byron on the, 7 - - _Dipsychus_, quoted, 163 - - "Dirty-two," 82 - - "_Dis_contents, the," 21 - - Dobson, Austin, quoted, 11, _et seq._ - - Domestic woman, a, 198 - - Donaldson, Dr., _mots_ by, 24, _et seq._ - - _Don Juan_, quoted, 7, _et seq._ - - Donne, Dr., quoted, 48; - _mot_ by, 212 - - "Don't Care," Helps on, 13 - - D'Orsay, Count, _mots_ by, 184, _et seq._ - - _Double Dealer, the_, quoted, 12 - - Drake, Dr., _mot_ by, 36 - - "Draw it mild," 219 - - Drawing on wood, 7 - - Dress, Vigo on, 222 - - Drinking, reasons for, 229 - - Dudley, Lord, Castlereagh on, 34; - _mot_ by, 241 - - _Duenna, the_, quoted, 37 - - Dumas _fils_, quoted, 87 - - Dust and disease, 78 - - "Dust of an earthy to-day, the," 261 - - Duty, Clough on, 6 - - Dying boy, the, 251 - - - E. - - Early rising, Saxe on, 122; - Hood on, 195 - - Eater, on a small, 226 - - Edinburgh, Hannay on, 116 - - Eliot, George, quoted, 6, _et seq._ - - Ellenborough, Lord, _mot_ by, 84 - - Emerson, R. W., quoted, 47 - - _Endymion_, Lord Beaconsfield's, 80, _et seq._ - - _English Epigrams_, quoted, 10, _et seq._ - - ---- language, the, 32, 60 - - "Entirely within their province," 244 - - _Epigram in Distich_, quoted, 85 - - Episcopal office, Sydney Smith on, 192 - - Equality, on, 45 - - _Eugene Aram_, quoted, 152 - - Evans, Anne, quoted, 49, _et seq._ - - Evening dress, on ladies', 174 - - ---- newspapers, 241 - - "Every-day young man, an," 263 - - Eye-glass, on the, 164 - - - F. - - _Fable for critics, a_, quoted, 178 - - False love's quirk, 230 - - Fanshawe, Catherine M., quoted, 256 - - Fashion, Lytton on, 18 - - Feeding a cold, 42 - - _Felix Holt_, quoted, 26 - - Felons and their "innocent enjoyment," 241 - - _Festus_, quoted, 26 - - Fiddler, on a bad, 3 - - Fielding, Henry, quoted, 56 - - Fields, J. T., quoted, 14, _et seq._ - - _Fifty years of my life_, quoted, 32, _et seq._ - - Fine lady, a, Pope on, 42 - - "First men of the century," 185 - - Fitzgerald, Edward, quoted, 262 - - Flattery, Vauvenargues on, 95 - - _Fly-leaves_, quoted, 15, _et seq._ - - Fools, Hazlitt on, 143 - - Foote, _mots_ by, 211, _et seq._ - - "Forever," 142 - - Fortune, on, 251 - - Forty year, 197 - - "Forty years long," 156 - - "Found it advisable," 57 - - "Four by honours," 33 - - Franklin, Mark Twain on, 178 - - Fraser, Professor, quoted, 247 - - Free-thinking, 113 - - "Free to confess," 47 - - Freeman, Mr., on, 242 - - ----, Thomas, quoted, 196 - - "Friend, go thy way," 155 - - Friends and ripe fruit, 79 - - ----, Hazlitt on, 106 - - _---- in Council_, quoted, 13, _et seq._ - - ----, Old, Selden on, 11 - - French, the, Harness on, 38 - - ---- and English, 210 - - Froude and Kingsley, 111 - - Fuller, Francis, quoted, 173 - - Funny man, a, 30 - - - G. - - Galla, Haryngton on, 225 - - "Gardener's rule, this," 248 - - Garnett, Richard, quoted, 60, _et seq._ - - Gay, John, quoted, 240 - - Genus, 111 - - "Georgium Any-sidus," 99 - - German language, the, 237 - - "Gift of the gab," 74 - - Gilbert, W. S., quoted, 14, _et seq._ - - _Gilfil's love story_, quoted, 41 - - Gillon, Joseph, _mot_ by, 141 - - Good little girls, 115 - - "Good not the word," 55 - - Good people, Locker on, 204 - - Grapes and gripes, on, 155 - - Gratitude, popular, 189 - - Graves, Richard, quoted, 225 - - Greville, Charles, quoted, 129 - - Gronow's _Recollections_, quoted, 10, _et seq._ - - _Guesses at Truth_, quoted, 5, _et seq._ - - - H. - - "Halidame, by thy," 257 - - Hamilton, Sir John, _mot_ by, 28 - - Hannay, James, quoted, 23, _et seq._ - - _Happy Thoughts_, quoted, 88, _et seq._ - - Harness, William, _mot_ by, 38 - - Harrison, W. H., quoted, 38, _et seq._ - - Harte, Bret, quoted, 80, _et seq._ - - Haryngton, Sir John, quoted, 225 - - Hay, John, quoted, 13, _et seq._ - - Haydon, B. R., quoted, 4, _et seq._ - - Hayward, Abraham, quoted, 3, _et seq._ - - Hazlitt, William, quoted, 15, _et seq._ - - Heath, Robert, quoted, 201 - - "Hegel's modest formula," 53 - - Heine, Heinrich, quoted, 126, _et seq._ - - Helps, Sir Arthur, quoted, 13, _et seq._ - - _Heptalogia, the_, quoted, 250 - - "Heureux plafond," 85 - - Hicks, epigrams by, 2, _et seq._ - - _High Life Below Stairs_, quoted, 37 - - Hill, Aaron, quoted, 205 - - _H.M.S. Pinafore_, quoted, 56 - - Holmes, Oliver Wendell, quoted, 24, _et seq._ - - Holland, Lord, epigram by, 51 - - "Home they brought," 200 - - Hood, Thomas, quoted, 3, _et seq._; - anecdotes of, 155, _et seq._ - - Hook, Theodore, _mots_ by, 2, _et seq._ - - _Horace at Athens_, quoted, 32, _et seq._ - - _---- in London_, quoted, 34 - - _Horse and Foot_, quoted, 36 - - House of Commons, on, 160 - - "How doth the little crocodile," 118 - - Hugman, R., quoted, 92 - - Hugo, Victor, Heine on, 151 - - Humility, Selden on, 48 - - Hunt, Leigh, quoted, 228 - - _Hunting of the Snark, the_, quoted, 22, _et seq._ - - Husband, an intemperate, 65 - - ----, the desire of a, 177 - - "Hyam to Moses," 19 - - _Hyperion_, quoted, 117 - - Hypocrite, a, 148 - - - I. - - "I and non-I," 246 - - "I loiter down," 162 - - "I make the butter fly," 32 - - _Idylls and Epigrams_, quoted, 60, _et seq._ - - Ignorance, blessed, 201 - - ----, Felix Holt on, 199 - - Immorality, present day, 92 - - Impositions of mankind, 263 - - Incapable person, on an, 252 - - _Ingoldsby Lyrics_, quoted, 12, _et seq._ - - Insolence, 12 - - Intentions, good, 91 - - Irving, Washington, _mot_ by, 4 - - - J. - - Jabberwock, The, 220 - - _Janet's Repentance_, quoted, 96 - - Jeaffreson, J. C., quoted, 85 - - Jekyll, _mot_ by, 26 - - Jenkins, Mrs., quoted, 171 - - Jenner, lines on, 6 - - Jerdan, William, quoted, 135 - - Jerrold, Douglas, _mot_ by, 14 - - "John P. Robinson, he," 30 - - Johnson, Dr., quoted, 50 - - "Juliet was a fool," 53 - - "Jure mariti," 57 - - Juxtaposition, Clough on, 113 - - - K. - - Kean, B. Smith and, 9 - - "Keep all you have," 17 - - Kemble, Fanny, quoted, 1, _et seq._ - - _Kenelm Chillingly_, quoted, 39 - - Kenny, _mot_ by, 156 - - "Kill him where he is," 147 - - _King Arthur_, quoted, 17 - - Kingsley and Froude, 111 - - Knowles, Sheridan, anecdotes of, 9, _et seq._ - - - L. - - _Ladies in Parliament_, quoted, 13, _et seq._ - - Ladies' accomplishments, on, 132 - - _Lady of Lyons, the_, quoted, 130 - - Lafayette, Heine on, 227 - - Lake poets, the, 130 - - Lamb, Charles, _mots_ by, 22, _et seq._ - - Landor, Walter Savage, quoted, 64, _et seq._ - - Lang, Andrew, quoted, 20, _et seq._ - - La Rochefoucauld, quoted, 20, _et seq._ - - _Las Alforgas_, quoted, 160 - - Latest Decalogue, the, 218 - - _Latter-Day Lyrics_, quoted, 101 - - Laughter, Byron on, 96 - - "Lays of now-a-days," 67 - - Leigh, H. S., quoted, 44, _et seq._ - - Leland, C. G., quoted, 86, _et seq._ - - _Letters to Julia_, quoted, 39 - - Lettuce and conversation, 169 - - Life described, 203 - - Lindsay, Lady Charlotte, _mots_ by, 70, _et seq._ - - Lingendes, Jean de, quoted, 151 - - _Literary Gazette, the_, quoted, 97 - - "Literature suited to desolate islands", 178 - - "Little Billee," quoted, 217 - - "Little knowledge, a," 95 - - "Livy was Tacitus," 122 - - Locker, Frederick, quoted, 8, _et seq._ - - Lockhart, J. G., quoted, 141 - - London, Morris on, 4 - - _---- Lyrics_, quoted, 8, _et seq._ - - Longfellow, quoted, 117 - - "Look to settlements," 145 - - _Lothair_, quoted, 6, _et seq._ - - Lot's wife, Hicks on, 2 - - Love and marriage, 31, 99, 159, 168 - - ---- and wisdom, 174 - - ----, Chamfort on, 55 - - ----, Corporal Bunting on, 152 - - ----, first and second, 195 - - ----, first, Bernal on, 112 - - _---- for Love_, quoted, 77 - - ---- -letters, 158 - - "---- levels all," 239 - - ---- -making, Balzac on, 4 - - ----, manifestations of, 127 - - ---- song, by H. Smith, 18 - - "Lovely woman, lump of folly," 184 - - "Love's but a dance," 27 - - Lowell, J. R., quoted, 30, _et seq._ - - Lucilius, quoted, 208 - - Luck, good and bad, 150 - - "Luke-warm," 117 - - Luttrell, Henry, _mots_ by, 23, _et seq._; - quoted, 39 - - Lying and good breeding, 77 - - _Lyra Urbanica_, quoted, 4, _et seq._ - - Lytton, Lord, quoted, 8, _et seq._ - - - M. - - "Macadamnable," 254 - - Macaulay, Lord, quoted, 2, _et seq._ - - MacCulloch, _mot_ by, 219 - - Mackay, Charles, quoted, 68 - - _Macmillan's Magazine_, quoted, 33, _et seq._ - - Macready, W. C., quoted, 75 - - Magnanimity, Hazlitt on, 15 - - "Maidens of the mart," 19 - - Mallock, W. H., quoted, 46, _et seq._ - - Man of business, the, 75 - - _---- of Taste, the_, quoted, 48 - - Man's end, 30 - - _Margaret Percival_, quoted, 15 - - Marie-Louise, 227 - - Marriage, Shirley Brooks on, 55; - Mrs. Steele on, 58; - Selden on, 71, 95; - Chamfort on, 79 - - Martial, in London, 169; - quoted, 221 - - Matrimony, Heine on, 171 - - Matter, the laws of, 46 - - _Maximes_, Chamfort's, quoted, 13, _et seq._ - - Men, George Eliot on, 249 - - Men's nature, Buxton on, 27 - - Mendelssohn, anecdote of, 133 - - Meredith, George, quoted, 31 - - Merit, how treated, 28 - - Merry Wives of Windsor, the, 186 - - _Middlemarch_, quoted, 21, _et seq._ - - Middleton, Lord, anecdote of, 172 - - _Mill on the Floss, the_, quoted, 17, _et seq._ - - Mind and Matter, Neaves on, 140 - - Minorities, the rights of, 208 - - _Mistura Curiosa_, quoted, 147, _et seq._ - - Mitford, Miss, quoted, 67, _et seq._ - - "Mixture as before, the," 244 - - _Modern Love_, quoted, 31 - - _Money_, quoted, 60 - - ----, Clough on, 163 - - Monk Lewis, anecdote of, 54 - - Montrond, _mots_ by, 168, _et seq._ - - Moore, Thomas, quoted, 9, _et seq._ - - Morality, H. Smith on, 51 - - Mormons, on the, 197 - - Morris, Charles, quoted, 4, _et seq._ - - "Most music-hall," 243 - - Mothers-in-law, 146, 247 - - _Musa Burschicosa_, quoted, 45, _et seq._ - - "My Lord," 183 - - _My Summer in a Garden_, quoted, 47, _et seq._ - - - N. - - Narrow-souled people, 264 - - Neaves, Lord, quoted, 8, _et seq._ - - Neilson, Miss, on, 67 - - "Never read," 89 - - Newell, R. H., quoted, 26, _et seq._ - - Newgate Windows, on, 229 - - _New Paul and Virginia_, quoted, 46, _et seq._ - - _---- Republic, the_, quoted, 92, _et seq._ - - Newspapers, Lord Beaconsfield on, 152 - - Nice, on the word, 229 - - North, Lord, _mot_ by, 67 - - Northern lights, on, 58 - - _Notes of thought_, quoted, 27, _et seq._ - - "Nothing is, and nothing's not," 53 - - "---- new," 47 - - "---- particular on my mind," 40 - - Novel, A Nutshell, 119 - - ----, a sensation, described, 93 - - November, Planché on, 203 - - Number One, Lytton on, 50 - - - O. - - O'Connell, Morgan John, _mot_ by, 70 - - _Old Bachelor, the_, quoted, 178 - - _Old Times and Distant Places_, quoted, 34 - - Oliphant, Lawrence, quoted. 35, _et seq._ - - _Once a Week_, quoted, 9, _et seq._ - - Onion, the, 47 - - "---- is strength," 105 - - Orange, the, 156 - - _Orpheus C. Kerr Papers_, quoted, 26, _et seq._ - - Original sin, 231 - - Outram, George, quoted, 179 - - Overbury, Sir Thomas, quoted, 104 - - _Owl, the_, quoted, 64 - - - P. - - Palladas, quoted, 59, _et seq._ - - _Pall Mall Gazette, the_, quoted, 53, _et seq._ - - Palmerston, Lord, _mot_ by, 85 - - _Paradise of Birds, the_, quoted, 153 - - "_Parcus_ deorum cultor," 73 - - Parr, Dr., Basil Montague on, 129 - - Pascal, quoted, 240 - - _Patchwork_, quoted, 45, _et seq._ - - _Patience_, quoted, 88, _et seq._ - - Patrons' promises, Lord Holland on, 51 - - _Paul Clifford_, quoted, 8 - - Peel, Sir Robert, _mot_ by, 111 - - _Pelham_, quoted, 18 - - Pennell, H. Cholmondeley, quoted, 16, _et seq._ - - _Pensées_, Pascal's, quoted, 240 - - Permissive Bill, the, 203 - - "Personal" and "real," 32 - - _Phantasmagoria_, quoted, 85, _et seq._ - - Phoebe, to, 187 - - Phryne, Donne on, 48 - - _Physiologie du Mariage_, quoted, 4, _et seq._ - - _Piccadilly_, quoted, 35, _et seq._ - - "Pickle your lordship!" 247 - - Picnic party, a, 15, 86 - - Pictures, seeing, 151 - - Piety and cooking, 112 - - _Pirates of Penzance, the_, quoted, 58 - - "Plain leg of mutton," 55 - - Planché, J. R., quoted, 9, _et seq._ - - Pleasing, the art of, 31 - - Pleasure of not going to church, the, 254 - - Pleasures of the people, the, 234 - - Plunket, _mots_ by, 32, _et seq._ - - _Poems and Music_, quoted, 49, _et seq._ - - _Poetical Farrago, the_, quoted, 154 - - Poets' meaning, Byron on, 21 - - Poisoners, social, 110 - - "Policeman's lot, the," 209 - - Pommery Gréno, 193 - - Poole, _mot_ by, 161 - - Poor relations, George Eliot on, 43 - - Pope, Alexander, quoted, 42, _et seq._ - - Popular man, a, 122 - - Positivists, the, Collins on, 108, 138 - - Poverty, on, 85; - the ancients on, 8 - - Practical man, a, 49 - - "Practising all night," 35 - - Praed, W. M., quoted, 128 - - Praise, La Rochefoucauld on, 20 - - Preaching, Baron Alderson on, 174 - - Preoccupied man, a, 129 - - Presbyterian singing, 215 - - Pride of talent, 73 - - "Priest's orders," 61 - - Prigs, 120 - - Prima donna, the, and stout, 5 - - Primitive man, Lang on, 20 - - ---- tongue, the, 49 - - Princess-robe, the, 84 - - Privileged person, a, 250 - - "Pro conibus calidis," 68 - - Procter, Bryan Waller, quoted, 35 - - Property in England, 165 - - Prophecy, a mistake, 239 - - Prospectus, 41 - - _Proverbs in Porcelain_, quoted, 27, _et seq._ - - Public dinners, Helps on, 44 - - Public-house, on a, 90 - - _Puck on Pegasus_, quoted, 16, _et seq._ - - _Punch_, quoted, 228, _et seq._ - - Punsters, Lamb on, 246 - - Pygmalion, on, 5 - - - Q. - - _Question d'Argent, la_, quoted, 87 - - - R. - - Radical, on a certain, 215 - - ---- reformer, on a, 23 - - Rank and trade, on, 5 - - Recognition, the, 183 - - _Recollections_, Berkeley's, quoted, 142 - - ----, Gronow's, quoted, 10, _et seq._ - - ----, Mackay's, quoted, 68, _et seq._ - - ----, Planché's, quoted, 9, _et seq._ - - _Record of a Girlhood_, quoted, 1, _et seq._ - - Reece, Robert, quoted, 57, _et seq._ - - _Réflexions_, Deshoulières', quoted, 37 - - ----, La Rochefoucauld's, 20, _et seq._ - - ----, Vauvenargues', quoted, 65, _et seq._ - - Reliable, on the word, 170 - - Religion, Selden on, 176 - - ---- of humanity, the, 242 - - _Reminiscences_, Boyd's, quoted, 56, _et seq._ - - ----, Teignmouth's, 36, _et seq._ - - Repentance, La Rochefoucauld on, 59; - Hazlitt on, 60 - - Retz, Cardinal de, quoted, 96 - - Reynolds, Hamilton, _mot_ by, 133 - - _Richelieu_, quoted, 76 - - "Rise up, cold reverend," 83 - - Robinson, Crabb, quoted, 24, _et seq._ - - Rogers, Samuel, quoted, 1, _et seq._; - _mots_ by, 21, _et seq._ - - Romances, Byron on, 177 - - _Romola_, quoted, 6, _et seq._ - - "Rose kissed me to-day," 48 - - Rose, Sir George, _mots_ by, 33, _et seq._ - - Rossini, anecdotes of, 76, _et seq._ - - Routh, Dr., _mot_ by, 86 - - "Rum and true religion," 159 - - - S. - - "Saddest when I sing," 16 - - Safety in numbers, 98 - - Saints and sinners, 81 - - Salad, Mortimer Collins on, 236 - - Satan a blunderer, 225 - - Saunders and Otley, 94 - - Savile Clarke, H., quoted, 125, _et seq._ - - Sawyer, William, quoted, 65, _et seq._ - - Saxe, John Godfrey, quoted, 10, _et seq._ - - Scandal, on, 196 - - Scotch economy, 40 - - Scotch tunes, 152 - - Scotch weather, on, 205 - - _Season, the_, quoted, 19, _et seq._ - - Sègur, Comte de, quoted, 87 - - Selden, John, quoted, 11, _et seq._ - - Self-satisfaction, 235 - - Sensible men, the religion of, 146 - - Sermons, stolen, 258, 259 - - "Sermons and soda-water," 150 - - Sewell, Miss, quoted, 15 - - "Shade over, a," 226 - - Shakespeare, quoted, 10 - - Shelburne, Lord, _mot_ by, 159 - - Shenstone, William, quoted, 44, _et seq._ - - Sheridan, R. B., quoted, 37; - _mot_ by, 65 - - "Shickspur," 37 - - _Shotover Papers, the_, quoted, 83, _et seq._ - - Sidey, J. A., quoted, 147 - - Sinclair, Archdeacon, quoted, 34 - - "Sing for the garish eye," 14 - - Singer, on a bad, 76 - - "Singing singers, the," 87 - - _Sketches and Characters_, quoted, 23, _et seq._ - - Smith, Horace, quoted, 18, _et seq._; - _mot_ by, 25 - - ----, James, _mot_ by, 213; - quoted, 34, _et seq._ - - ----, Robert, _mots_ by, 2, _et seq._ - - ----, Sydney, _mots_ by, 1, _et seq._ - - Societies, Chesterfield on, 208 - - Society, a state of war, 231 - - Society, two classes in, 120 - - _Songs and Poems_, Planché's, quoted, 75, _et seq._ - - _Songs and Verses_, Neaves's, quoted, 8, _et seq._ - - _---- of many Seasons_, quoted, 5, _et seq._ - - _---- of Singularity_, quoted, 32, _et seq._ - - _Sorcerer, the_, quoted, 61 - - Southesk, Lord, quoted, 230 - - Speculation, George Eliot on, 52 - - ---- and peculation, 210 - - "Splendid shilling, the," 260 - - Squinted, on one who, 207 - - Steele, Mrs. A. C., quoted, 5, _et seq._ - - Stephens, H. P., quoted, 127, _et seq._ - - Stuart Mill on Mind and Matter, 140 - - Stupid people, on, 179 - - Stupidity, Heine on, 159 - - Suckling, Sir John, quoted, 98 - - Sunday dismality, 123 - - Swift, Jonathan, quoted, 49, _et seq._ - - - T. - - _Table Talk_, Selden's, quoted, 11, _et seq._ - - Tailors, Overbury on, 104 - - "Take him for half and half," 68 - - Talleyrand, _mot_ by, 10 - - Teignmouth, Lord, quoted, 36, _et seq._ - - Temper, on losing, 138 - - "Tender ten," 53 - - Tennyson, Alfred, quoted, 148; - anecdote of, 132 - - ----, after, 260 - - Thackeray, _mots_ by, 46, _et seq._; - quoted, 55 - - Theatrical nuisance, on a, 220 - - Theophilus, Rogers on, 1 - - Theory, a favourite, 248 - - Thurlow, Lord, _mot_ by, 72 - - "Tide of time, the," 107 - - Tierney, _mot_ by, 136 - - Time, on, 253 - - _Tin Trumpet, the_, quoted, 18, _et seq._ - - "Tommy Onslow", 46 - - Tom Thumb, 258 - - _Tom Thumb_, quoted, 56 - - "Too much--too much," 136 - - "To sniggle or to dibble," 175 - - "To urn or not to urn," 65 - - Town and country, 128 - - Townshend, Henry, quoted, 130 - - Tradition, George Eliot on, 76 - - Tragedies and comedies, 124 - - Trapp, Dr., epigram on, 154 - - Traveller, the, and the gorilla, 60 - - Travelling, on, 180 - - Trevelyan, G. O., quoted, 13, _et seq._ - - _Trial by Jury_, quoted, 43 - - "Trifles," on, 214 - - Turner, Godfrey, quoted, 20 - - Turnips, Mark Twain on, 19 - - Twain, Mark, quoted, 19, _et seq._ - - 'Twas ever thus, 198 - - Tweeddale, Lady, story of, 2 - - _Twelfth Night_, quoted, 10 - - "Twinkle, twinkle, little bat," 97 - - Tyndall, Professor, Collins on, 192 - - - U. - - Umbrellas, on, 240 - - _University Magazine, the_, quoted, 38 - - "Upper G., my," 139 - - - V. - - Vanity, 143, 116 - - Vauvenargues, quoted, 65, _et seq._ - - _Veiled Prophet, the_, parody on, 222 - - Veracity, George Eliot on, 68 - - _Verses and Translations_, quoted, 5, _et seq._ - - "Vexation of spirit," 35 - - _Vignettes in Rhyme_, quoted, 11, _et seq._ - - Virtutem, in, 196 - - "Voice of the lobster," 42 - - Voltaire, quoted, 34; - Charles Lamb on, 220 - - - W. - - Walpole, Horace, quoted, 2, _et seq._ - - Walrus and the Carpenter, the, 158 - - Ward, Artemus, quoted, 7, _et seq._ - - Warner, Charles Dudley, quoted, 47, _et seq._ - - Warrender, Sir George, story of, 239 - - Washington, George, Mark Twain on, 185 - - Water, Lord Neaves on, 181 - - Weather, the clerk of the, 249 - - Webbe, Egerton, quoted, 170 - - "Wedlock is a sober thing," 262 - - "Weed, the," Neaves on, 70 - - Welsh language, the, 238 - - Werther and Charlotte, 166 - - Whiting and the snail, the, 7 - - Whately, anecdotes of, 3, _et seq._ - - _What will he do with it?_ quoted, 89, _et seq._ - - "When other lips," 190 - - "Whims and oddities," 3, _et seq._ - - Whitings or shoeblacks, 256 - - "Why the Dickens," 16 - - Wife, a, 108 - - "Wife who preaches, a," 135 - - Wife's dress, a, 227 - - "Wife's a widdy, his," 101 - - "Wilcox or Gibbs?" 21 - - _Wit and Humour_, Brooks's, quoted, 6, _et seq._ - - Wit of a family, the, 257 - - _Within an Ace_, quoted, 171 - - Wives, on, 167 - - Woman, a, with babbies, 196 - - ---- before marriage, 245 - - Woman's choice, 143 - - ---- self-love, 163 - - Women and a secret, 76 - - ---- and books, 217, 130 - - ---- and degrees, 104 - - ---- and fact, 41 - - ---- and flattery, 114, 132 - - ---- and insincerity, 163 - - ----, and men's happiness, 126 - - ----, and men's praise, 126 - - ---- and revenge, 54 - - ---- and spite, 107 - - ---- and their lovers, 13, 77 - - ---- and wills, 92 - - ----, and young and old, 120 - - ---- as unionists, 151 - - ----, Bartle Massey on, 175 - - ----, Congreve on, 243 - - ---- in a garden, 247 - - ----, management of, 39 - - ---- matched with men, 160 - - ----, talkativeness of, 131 - - ----, the two passions of, 125 - - Women's conversation, 49 - - ---- rights, 86 - - ---- virtue, 135, 205 - - Working by the hour, 139 - - Working-man, the, 161 - - _World, the_, quoted, 76 - - Wraxall, Sir Nathaniel, quoted, 138 - - Writing-master, on a left-handed, 173 - - "Wus, ever wus," 78 - - - Y. - - Yates, Edmund, quoted, 106, _et seq._ - - _Yesterdays with authors_, quoted, 14, _et seq._ - - Young, Brigham, 157 - - ----, J. C., quoted, 4, _et seq._ - - ---- ladies of to-day, 137 - - ---- men of to-day, 93 - - -PRINTED BY WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED, LONDON AND BECCLES. - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Quips and Quiddities, by William Davenport Adams - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES *** - -***** This file should be named 41713-8.txt or 41713-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/1/7/1/41713/ - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Eric Skeet and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - http://www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/41713-8.zip b/41713-8.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 226b7b7..0000000 --- a/41713-8.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/41713-h.zip b/41713-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index c71f664..0000000 --- a/41713-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/41713-h/41713-h.htm b/41713-h/41713-h.htm index 8876c89..fbfe5b0 100644 --- a/41713-h/41713-h.htm +++ b/41713-h/41713-h.htm @@ -5,7 +5,7 @@ <html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> <head> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> <title> The Project Gutenberg eBook of Quips and Quiddities, by W. Davenport Adams. @@ -62,44 +62,7 @@ hr { </head> <body> - - -<pre> - -Project Gutenberg's Quips and Quiddities, by William Davenport Adams - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Quips and Quiddities - A Quintessence of Quirks Quaint, Quizzical and Quotable - -Author: William Davenport Adams - -Release Date: December 27, 2012 [EBook #41713] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES *** - - - - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Eric Skeet and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41713 ***</div> <h1>QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES</h1> @@ -174,7 +137,7 @@ de Salamanca</span>.<br /> LATTER-DAY LYRICS. Edited by <span class="smcap">W. Davenport Adams</span>.<br /> -BALZAC'S COMÉDIE HUMAINE AND ITS AUTHOR. +BALZAC'S COMÉDIE HUMAINE AND ITS AUTHOR. With Translations by <span class="smcap">H. H. Walker</span>.</p> <p class="center"><img src="images/stars.jpg" style="float: none; height: 20px;" alt=" " /> <i>Other Volumes are in preparation.</i></p> @@ -230,7 +193,7 @@ poem, over essay and novel, over maxim and epigram, over memoir and diary. There is pun, and there is parody; there is satire, and there is sarcasm. In a word, the little book may say, with -Lafontaine, "Diversité c'est ma devise." There is +Lafontaine, "Diversité c'est ma devise." There is diversity even in the arrangement, which consists merely of a general alternation of the prose and verse. For the rest, the quips and quiddities are @@ -697,7 +660,7 @@ Was simply an Ascidian worm:<br /> And having then the habit got<br /> Of passing liquor down his throat,<br /> He keeps it still, and shows full well<br /> -That Man—was—once——a leather bottèl. +That Man—was—once——a leather bottèl. </p> <p class="right"><span class="smcap">Lord Neaves</span>, <i>Songs and Verses</i>. @@ -812,7 +775,7 @@ arch in the Carrousel, placed upon it an empty car, drawn by the famous bronze Venetian horses. Talleyrand asked him, "<i>Qui avez vous l'intention de mettre dans le char?</i>" The answer was, "<i>L'Empereur -Napoléon, comme de raison</i>." Upon which Talleyrand +Napoléon, comme de raison</i>." Upon which Talleyrand said, "<i>Le char l'attend</i>."</p> <p class="right"> @@ -857,7 +820,7 @@ Like the rest, I should dote upon "Molly;"<br /> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And "poor Mrs. Gaskell—how sad!"</span><br /> "Like Browning?" "But so-so." His proof lay<br /> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Too deep for her frivolous mood,</span><br /> -That preferred your mere metrical <i>soufflé</i><br /> +That preferred your mere metrical <i>soufflé</i><br /> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">To the stronger poetical food;</span><br /> Yet at times he was good—"as a tonic:"<br /> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Was Tennyson writing just now?</span><br /> @@ -958,7 +921,7 @@ She, herself, makes her own faces,<br /> </p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capc.jpg" alt="C" /> -ÉLÉBRITÉ—l'avantage d'être connu de ceux que +ÉLÉBRITÉ—l'avantage d'être connu de ceux que vous ne connaissez pas.</p> <p class="right"><span class="smcap">Chamfort</span>, <i>Maximes</i>. @@ -972,7 +935,7 @@ Who last Christmas still was blushing at her elder sister's side;<br /> Still on some minute allowance finding collars, boots, and gloves,<br /> Still to cousinly flirtations limiting her list of loves,<br /> Still by stern domestic edict charged on no account to read<br /> -Any of Miss Brontë's novels, or to finish <i>Adam Bede</i>.<br /> +Any of Miss Brontë's novels, or to finish <i>Adam Bede</i>.<br /> </p> <p class="right"> @@ -1194,7 +1157,7 @@ And, reduced to all-fours, must then narrow their views,<br /> Which would shortly unfit them for wearing our shoes,<br /> <span style="margin-left: 12em;">Which nobody can deny.</span><br /> <br /> -Their vertebræ next might be taken away,<br /> +Their vertebræ next might be taken away,<br /> When they'd sink to an oyster, or insect, some day,<br /> Or the pitiful part of a polypus play,<br /> <span style="margin-left: 12em;">Which nobody can deny.</span> @@ -1299,7 +1262,7 @@ Knowles, "I beg you ten thousand pardons: I took you for your <i>namesake</i>, T. P. Cooke!"</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -1360,10 +1323,10 @@ Till their knees came right under their nose,—<br /> <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capo.jpg" alt="O" /> -N ne loue d'ordinaire que pour être loué.</p> +N ne loue d'ordinaire que pour être loué.</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. +<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -1517,7 +1480,7 @@ said Theodore Hook, "every Sunday morning."</p> OMKINS will clear the land, they say,<br /> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">From every foul abuse;</span><br /> So chimneys in the olden time<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Were cleansèd by a goose.</span> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Were cleansèd by a goose.</span> </p> <p class="right"> @@ -1562,7 +1525,7 @@ not know what is a sound divine," quoting Pope—</p> </p> <p>"But I do," said Donaldson. "It is a divine who is -<i>vox et præterea nihil</i>."</p> +<i>vox et præterea nihil</i>."</p> <p class="right"> <span class="smcap">Crabb Robinson</span>, <i>Diary</i>. @@ -1721,7 +1684,7 @@ of the Company that he <i>floundered</i> so?"</p> HO knows if what Adam might speak<br /> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Was mono- or poly-syllabic;</span><br /> Was Gothic, or Gaelic, or Greek,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Tartàric, Chinese, or Aràbic?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Tartà ric, Chinese, or Arà bic?</span><br /> It may have been Sanskrit or Zend—<br /> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">It must have been something or other;</span><br /> But thus far I'll stoutly contend,—<br /> @@ -1776,7 +1739,7 @@ the bass drum better than any man I ever met.</p> </p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capt.jpg" alt="T" /> -HE Duke of Rutland, at one of his levées, +HE Duke of Rutland, at one of his levées, being at a loss for something to say to every person he was bound in etiquette to notice, remarked to Sir John Hamilton that there was a prospect @@ -1812,11 +1775,11 @@ And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw<br /> <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capl.jpg" alt="L" /> -E monde récompense plus souvent les apparances -du mérite que le mérite même.</p> +E monde récompense plus souvent les apparances +du mérite que le mérite même.</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. +<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -1864,7 +1827,7 @@ Rogers." Maltby, still looking at the pictures, "And was it?"</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">Rogers</span>, <i>apud</i> <span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>. +<span class="smcap">Rogers</span>, <i>apud</i> <span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -1973,7 +1936,7 @@ I might not bring myself at last<br /> 'ART de plaire est l'art de tromper.</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">Vauvenargues</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. +<span class="smcap">Vauvenargues</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -2071,7 +2034,7 @@ see—<i>four by honours</i>!"</p> <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capa.jpg" alt="A" /> -H! who has seen the mailèd lobster rise,<br /> +H! who has seen the mailèd lobster rise,<br /> Clap her broad wings, and, soaring, claim the skies?<br /> When did the owl, descending from her bower,<br /> Crop, 'midst the fleecy flocks, the tender flower;<br /> @@ -2092,11 +2055,11 @@ To flower like myrtle, or like violets bloom.<br /> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capu.jpg" alt="U" /> NE femme d'esprit m'a dit un jour un mot qui -pourrait bien être le secret de son sexe; c'est +pourrait bien être le secret de son sexe; c'est que toute femme, en prenant un amant, tient -plus de compte de la manière dont les autres femmes -voient cet homme que de la manière dont elle le voit -elle-même.</p> +plus de compte de la manière dont les autres femmes +voient cet homme que de la manière dont elle le voit +elle-même.</p> <p class="right"> <span class="smcap">Chamfort</span>, <i>Maximes</i>. @@ -2322,11 +2285,11 @@ I never read Shickspur.<br /> <p style="margin-left: 6em"><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capn.jpg" alt="N" /> UL n'est content de sa fortune<br /> -Ni mécontent de son esprit.<br /> +Ni mécontent de son esprit.<br /> </p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">Madame Deshoulières</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. +<span class="smcap">Madame Deshoulières</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -2336,7 +2299,7 @@ Ni mécontent de son esprit.<br /> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capi.jpg" alt="I" /> N courtship suppose you can't sing<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Your Cara, your Liebe, your Zoë,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Your Cara, your Liebe, your Zoë,</span><br /> A kiss and a sight of the ring<br /> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Will more quickly prevail with your Chloe.</span><br /> <br /> @@ -2518,7 +2481,7 @@ wedded wife, by his scratching his head and saying, HE prospect's always fine in the Prospectus!</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Songs and Poems</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Songs and Poems</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -3084,12 +3047,12 @@ But now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,<br /> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capw.jpg" alt="W" /> HEN the question arose how the title of Herold's -charming opera, "Le Pré aux Clercs," should be +charming opera, "Le Pré aux Clercs," should be rendered into English, [Beazley] quietly suggested "Parson's Green."</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -3321,8 +3284,8 @@ Meanwhile, I will smoke my canaster,<br /> <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capl.jpg" alt="L" /> -'AMOUR est comme les maladies épidémiques; -plus on les craint, plus on y est exposé.</p> +'AMOUR est comme les maladies épidémiques; +plus on les craint, plus on y est exposé.</p> <p class="right"> <span class="smcap">Chamfort</span>, <i>Maximes</i>. @@ -3571,7 +3534,7 @@ nous en peut arriver. </p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. +<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -3865,7 +3828,7 @@ called it making a new "Gradus ad Parnassum," because it was steps for the <i>muses</i>.</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>.<br /> +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>.<br /> </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -3886,10 +3849,10 @@ Climb stiffly up, take breath, and wait<br /> <p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capl.jpg" alt="L" /> -A constance est la chimère de l'amour.</p> +A constance est la chimère de l'amour.</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">Vauvenargues</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. +<span class="smcap">Vauvenargues</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -4271,7 +4234,7 @@ And that's what a Frenchman is made of. <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capm.jpg" alt="M" /> ARRIAGE is a desperate thing. The frogs in -Æsop were extreme wise; they had a great mind +Æsop were extreme wise; they had a great mind to some water, but they would not leap into the well, because they could not get out again.</p> @@ -4428,10 +4391,10 @@ M. de la Rochefoucauld to Mademoiselle Bigottini, the beautiful and graceful dancer, in the course of conversation with this gentleman, asked him in what part of the theatre he was placed; upon which he -replied, "Mademoiselle, <i>dans un loge róti</i>," instead of -"<i>grillé</i>." The lady could not understand what he meant, +replied, "Mademoiselle, <i>dans un loge róti</i>," instead of +"<i>grillé</i>." The lady could not understand what he meant, until his introducer explained the mistake, observing, -"<i>Ces diables d'Anglais pensent toujours à leur Rosbif</i>."</p> +"<i>Ces diables d'Anglais pensent toujours à leur Rosbif</i>."</p> <p class="right"> <span class="smcap">Gronow</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. @@ -4507,7 +4470,7 @@ Unless something's done to cure it,<br /> </p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Songs and Poems</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Songs and Poems</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -4537,7 +4500,7 @@ Are hostile properties.<br /> <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capa.jpg" alt="A" /> -T a musical <i>soirée</i> in Paris, a lady, possessing a +T a musical <i>soirée</i> in Paris, a lady, possessing a magnificent soprano voice and remarkable facility of execution, sang the great Maestro's well-known aria, "Una Voce," with great effect, but overladen @@ -4548,7 +4511,7 @@ his encomiums with the cruel inquiry: "Mais de qui est la musique?"</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>.<br /> +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>.<br /> </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -4696,7 +4659,7 @@ But smuts the most prodigious fell,<br /> <p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capl.jpg" alt="L" /> -'HYMEN vient après l'amour, comme la fumée après la flamme. +'HYMEN vient après l'amour, comme la fumée après la flamme. </p> <p class="right"> @@ -5088,7 +5051,7 @@ Rossini raised his eyes to the abused ceiling, and simply ejaculated, "Heureux plafond!"</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -5134,7 +5097,7 @@ for fifty!"</p> EY vented to de Voman's Righds,<br /> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Vere laties all agrees,</span><br /> De gals should pe de voters,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And deir beaux all de votées.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And deir beaux all de votées.</span><br /> "For efery man dat nefer vorks,<br /> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Von frau should vranchised pe:</span><br /> Dat ish de vay I solf dis ding,"<br /> @@ -5212,11 +5175,11 @@ l'argent des autres. <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capt.jpg" alt="T" /> -OUS les méchants sont buveurs d'eau. +OUS les méchants sont buveurs d'eau. </p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">Comte de Ségur.</span> +<span class="smcap">Comte de Ségur.</span> </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -5379,7 +5342,7 @@ Its cheese is mity, and its ale is weak.<br /> <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capa.jpg" alt="A" /> -T a fête at Hatfield House, <i>tableaux vivants</i> were +T a fête at Hatfield House, <i>tableaux vivants</i> were among the chief amusements, and scenes from <i>Ivanhoe</i> were among the selections. All the parts were filled up but that of <i>Isaac of York</i>. Lady @@ -5505,7 +5468,7 @@ OUS avons tous assez de force pour supporter les maux d'autrui. </p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. +<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -5661,11 +5624,11 @@ dangerous thing, especially in literature.</p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/caps.jpg" alt="S" /> I les hommes ne se flattaient pas les uns les autres, -il n'y aurait guère de société. +il n'y aurait guère de société. </p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">Vauvenargues</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. +<span class="smcap">Vauvenargues</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -5841,7 +5804,7 @@ Lamb, "he would cast a damper even over a funeral."</p> <p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capl.jpg" alt="L" /> -'AMOUR plaît plus que le mariage, par la +'AMOUR plaît plus que le mariage, par la raison que les romans sont plus amusants que l'histoire. </p> @@ -5986,7 +5949,7 @@ am, sir," answered the driver; "what's all the world to a man when his wife's a widdy?"</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -6043,11 +6006,11 @@ may be some time before you get another."</p> <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capo.jpg" alt="O" /> -N aime mieux dire du mal de soi-même que de +N aime mieux dire du mal de soi-même que de n'en point parler.</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. +<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -6143,8 +6106,8 @@ Then why should a woman not get a degree? <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capq.jpg" alt="Q" /> -<i>UAM parvâ sapientiâ regitur mundus.</i> Say rather, -<i>quam magnâ stultitiâ</i>.</p> +<i>UAM parvâ sapientiâ regitur mundus.</i> Say rather, +<i>quam magnâ stultitiâ</i>.</p> <p class="right"> <span class="smcap">Charles Buxton</span>, <i>Notes of Thought</i>. @@ -6236,11 +6199,11 @@ If you are wise, I think you are a fool."<br /> <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capn.jpg" alt="N" /> -OUS aimons mieux voir ceux à qui nous faisons +OUS aimons mieux voir ceux à qui nous faisons du bien que ceux qui nous en font.</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. +<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -6368,7 +6331,7 @@ Their sides are many, too,—and all<br /> Some sanguine people love for life,<br /> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Some love their hobby till it flings them.—</span><br /> How many love a pretty wife<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For love of the <i>éclat</i> she brings them!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For love of the <i>éclat</i> she brings them!</span><br /> </p> <p class="right"> @@ -6432,7 +6395,7 @@ when, with a deep sigh, he added—</p> </p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -6789,11 +6752,11 @@ was that the wise men did come from the East."</p> <p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capc.jpg" alt="C" /> -E qui nous empêche souvent de nous abandonner -à un seul vice est que nous en avons plusieurs.</p> +E qui nous empêche souvent de nous abandonner +à un seul vice est que nous en avons plusieurs.</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. +<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -6882,7 +6845,7 @@ said that Evanson was a <i>luke</i>-warm Christian.</p> EADING the paper Laura sat,<br /> "Greenwich <i>mean</i> time, mamma, what's that?"<br /> "My love, it's when your stingy Pa<br /> -Won't take us to the Trafalgàr." +Won't take us to the Trafalgà r." </p> <p class="right"> @@ -6949,7 +6912,7 @@ my old friend said, "Mr. Hook, you see your dinner." "Thank you, ma'am," said I; "but where is yours?"</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">Theodore Hook</span>, <i>apud</i> <span class="smcap">Planché</span>.<br /> +<span class="smcap">Theodore Hook</span>, <i>apud</i> <span class="smcap">Planché</span>.<br /> </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -6970,10 +6933,10 @@ Points out some circumstance to please us.<br /> <p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capo.jpg" alt="O" /> -N ne donne rien si libéralement que ses conseils.</p> +N ne donne rien si libéralement que ses conseils.</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions.</i><br /> +<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions.</i><br /> </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -7043,9 +7006,9 @@ and handsome! When we are old and ugly, woman snubs and scolds us.</p> <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capl.jpg" alt="L" /> -A société est composée de deux grandes classes: -ceux qui ont plus de dîners que d'appétit, et -ceux qui ont plus d'appétit que de dîners.</p> +A société est composée de deux grandes classes: +ceux qui ont plus de dîners que d'appétit, et +ceux qui ont plus d'appétit que de dîners.</p> <p class="right"> <span class="smcap">Chamfort</span>, <i>Maximes</i>. @@ -7218,10 +7181,10 @@ But of course they can sit still at home,<br /> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capl.jpg" alt="L" /> A haine des faibles n'est pas si dangereuse que -leur amitié.</p> +leur amitié.</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">Vauvenargues</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. +<span class="smcap">Vauvenargues</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -7255,7 +7218,7 @@ hereafter? Absolutely nothing.</p> <p style="margin-left: 3em"><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capw.jpg" alt="W" /> HEN sorely tempted to purloin<br /> -Your <i>pietà</i> of Marc Antoine,<br /> +Your <i>pietà </i> of Marc Antoine,<br /> Fair virtue doth fair play enjoin,<br /> <span style="margin-left: 5em;">Fair Virtuoso!</span> </p> @@ -7502,9 +7465,9 @@ on his rounds two undergraduates, who were without their gowns, or out of bounds, or out of hours. He challenged one: "Your name and college?" They were given. Turning to the other: "And -pray, sir, what might your name be?" "Julius Cæsar," +pray, sir, what might your name be?" "Julius Cæsar," was the reply. "What, sir, do you mean to say your -name is Julius Cæsar?" "Sir, you did not ask me what +name is Julius Cæsar?" "Sir, you did not ask me what it is, but what it <i>might</i> be."</p> <p class="right"> @@ -7784,7 +7747,7 @@ would have been," he answered, "if damned custom had not <i>brazed</i> it so."</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -7862,8 +7825,8 @@ If it's true that the weakest must go to the Wall.<br /> <p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[135]</a></span></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capl.jpg" alt="L" /> -A vertu des femmes est peut-être une question du -tempérament.</p> +A vertu des femmes est peut-être une question du +tempérament.</p> <p class="right"> <span class="smcap">Balzac</span>, <i>Physiologie du Mariage</i>. @@ -7986,7 +7949,7 @@ Black their eyelids till they stare,<br /> Wash with soda, till their hair<br /> <span style="margin-left: 9em;">Looks like maize;</span><br /> 'Tis the fashion to be blonde<br /> -<i>À la mode du demi-monde</i><br /> +<i>À la mode du demi-monde</i><br /> <span style="margin-left: 9em;">Now-a-days.</span> </p> @@ -8178,7 +8141,7 @@ remarked "because they lessen from day to day." <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capq.jpg" alt="Q" /> -UICONQUE n'a pas de caractère n'est pas un +UICONQUE n'a pas de caractère n'est pas un homme: c'est une chose.</p> <p class="right"> @@ -8430,7 +8393,7 @@ dangerous thing.</p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capl.jpg" alt="L" /> OVERS, we pray you, gaining our consents,<br /> -Let us, too, have <i>our</i> mediæval bents;<br /> +Let us, too, have <i>our</i> mediæval bents;<br /> Give us, for cricket matches, tournaments. </p> @@ -8471,7 +8434,7 @@ dear fellow," retorted the wit; "it is the last chapter of Samuel."</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -8634,11 +8597,11 @@ Then like a lump of lead he falls. <p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[149]</a></span></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capo.jpg" alt="O" /> -N fait souvent du bien pour pouvoir impunément +N fait souvent du bien pour pouvoir impunément faire du mal.</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. +<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -8790,11 +8753,11 @@ Ladies are all for union—to a man! <p style="margin-left: 4em"><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/caps.jpg" alt="S" /> I c'est un crime de l'aimer,<br /> -On n'en doit justement blâmer<br /> -Que les beautés qui sont en elle;<br /> +On n'en doit justement blâmer<br /> +Que les beautés qui sont en elle;<br /> <span style="margin-left: 2em;">La faute en est au dieux</span><br /> <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Qui la firent si belle,</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Et non pas à mes yeux.</span> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Et non pas à mes yeux.</span> </p> <p class="right"> @@ -8908,7 +8871,7 @@ But now all subtle souls revert<br /> To the abbreviated skirt,<br /> Whose velvet <i>paniers</i> just denote<br /> The gown, that else were petticoat.<br /> -Nor is such <i>naïve</i> attire enough:<br /> +Nor is such <i>naïve</i> attire enough:<br /> Elizabeth's archaic ruff<br /> Rings every neck; besides, they rival,<br /> With a High-Gothic-Hat-Revival,<br /> @@ -9000,7 +8963,7 @@ looked up at him compassionately, and said, "My dear sir! I'm afraid your religion doesn't agree with you."</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -9114,7 +9077,7 @@ When Bloomfield ventured to pronounce,<br /> The Regent, hearing what was said,<br /> Raised from his couch his aching head,<br /> And cried, "No, Halford, 'tis not so!<br /> -<i>Cure us, O</i> doctor,—<i>Curaçoa!</i>"<br /> +<i>Cure us, O</i> doctor,—<i>Curaçoa!</i>"<br /> </p> <p class="right"> @@ -9308,12 +9271,12 @@ That sort of job, you know, would suit me best." <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capt.jpg" alt="T" /> -OUT le monde se plaint de sa mémoire, et +OUT le monde se plaint de sa mémoire, et personne ne se plaint de son jugement.</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. +<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -9324,8 +9287,8 @@ personne ne se plaint de son jugement.</p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capw.jpg" alt="W" /> HEN lately Pym descended into Hell,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Ere he the cups of Lethè did carouse,</span><br /> -What place that was, he callèd loud to tell;<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Ere he the cups of Lethè did carouse,</span><br /> +What place that was, he callèd loud to tell;<br /> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">To whom a Devil—"This is the Lower House."</span> </p> @@ -9384,7 +9347,7 @@ find any stuffing in a roasted leg of pork, Poole quietly suggested, "Perhaps it is in the other leg?"</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -9474,7 +9437,7 @@ if in nothing else.</p> <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capl.jpg" alt="L" /> -A plus perdue de toutes les journées est celle où +A plus perdue de toutes les journées est celle où l'on n'a pas ri.</p> <p class="right"> @@ -9717,7 +9680,7 @@ Australian meats, and men who call<br /> T being asked at Paris whom they would have as godfather for Rothschild's baby—"Talleyrand," said a Frenchman. "Pourquoi, monsieur?" -"Parcequ'il est le moins chrétien possible."</p> +"Parcequ'il est le moins chrétien possible."</p> <p class="right"> <span class="smcap">B. R. Haydon</span>, <i>Diary</i>. @@ -9746,8 +9709,8 @@ The boats move silently, as in a dream—<br /> MILE de Girardin, the famous political writer, a natural son of Alexandre de Girardin, becoming celebrated, Montrond said to his father, -"Dépêchez-vous de le reconnaître, ou bientôt il ne -vous reconnaîtra pas."</p> +"Dépêchez-vous de le reconnaître, ou bientôt il ne +vous reconnaîtra pas."</p> <p class="right"> <span class="smcap">Gronow</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. @@ -9793,7 +9756,7 @@ contrasts; and a trifle of sugar.</p> <p style="margin-left: 1em"><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/cape.jpg" alt="E" /> XQUISITE wine and comestibles<br /> From Slater, and Fortnum and Mason;<br /> -Billiards, écarté, and chess-tables;<br /> +Billiards, écarté, and chess-tables;<br /> Water in vast marble basin;<br /> Luminous books (not voluminous)<br /> To read under beech-trees cacuminous;<br /> @@ -10410,7 +10373,7 @@ Who nightly climbed their "family trees," and on the top reposed, sir.<br /> There's Carlyle, on the other hand, whose first and last concern it is<br /> To preach up the "immensities" and muse on the "eternities";<br /> But if one credits what one hears, the gist of all his brag is, sir,<br /> -That "Erbwürst," rightly understood, is transcendental haggis, sir. +That "Erbwürst," rightly understood, is transcendental haggis, sir. </p> <p class="right"> @@ -10462,7 +10425,7 @@ What he missed is mystery." </p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -10523,8 +10486,8 @@ If, instead of the "kid," she had buried the calf! <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capi.jpg" alt="I" /> -L est plus facile de légaliser certaines choses que -de les légitimer.</p> +L est plus facile de légaliser certaines choses que +de les légitimer.</p> <p class="right"> <span class="smcap">Chamfort</span>, <i>Maximes</i>. @@ -10614,7 +10577,7 @@ too much wine at dinner, teased Count D'Orsay, and said some very disagreeable things, which irritated him; when suddenly John Bush entered the club and shook hands with the Count, who exclaimed, -"Voilà, la différence entre une bonne <i>bouche</i> et une mauvaise +"Voilà , la différence entre une bonne <i>bouche</i> et une mauvaise <i>haleine</i>."</p> <p class="right"> @@ -10765,7 +10728,7 @@ who says he does not like a good dinner, is either a fool or a liar."</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -10812,7 +10775,7 @@ illustration of the old proverb, "It never rains but it <i>powers</i>."</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -10921,11 +10884,11 @@ Ask her when Gyges' ship comes back. <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capl.jpg" alt="L" /> A reconnaissance de la plupart des hommes n'est -qu'une secrète envie de recevoir de plus grands +qu'une secrète envie de recevoir de plus grands bienfaits.</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. +<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -10967,7 +10930,7 @@ At such a moment I but ask<br /> </p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Songs and Poems</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Songs and Poems</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -11034,7 +10997,7 @@ ENERAL ORNANO, observing a certain nobleman—who, by some misfortune in his youth, lost the use of his legs—in a Bath chair, which he wheeled about, and inquiring the name of the -English peer, D'Orsay answered, "Père la Chaise."</p> +English peer, D'Orsay answered, "Père la Chaise."</p> <p class="right"> <span class="smcap">Gronow</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. @@ -11119,7 +11082,7 @@ Sea in which to swim,<br /> Sea where sorrow sinks,<br /> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Ne'er to rise again—oh,</span><br /> Blessedest of drinks,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Welcome, "Pommery Gréno!"</span> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Welcome, "Pommery Gréno!"</span> </p> <p class="right"> @@ -11623,12 +11586,12 @@ The inflammation of his weekly bills. <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capo.jpg" alt="O" /> -N n'a guère de défauts qui ne soient plus pardonnables +N n'a guère de défauts qui ne soient plus pardonnables que les moyens dont on se sert pour les cacher.</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. +<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -11686,7 +11649,7 @@ Oh, when shall a man see thy fellow,<br /> </p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Songs and Poems</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Songs and Poems</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -11849,13 +11812,13 @@ Just breaking off the point of it,<br /> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capm_brac.jpg" alt="[M" /> ONTROND'S] death was a very wretched one. Left alone to the tender mercies of a well-known -"lorette" of those days, Desirée R——, +"lorette" of those days, Desirée R——, as he lay upon his bed, between fits of pain and drowsiness, he could see his fair friend picking from his shelves -the choicest specimens of his old Sèvres china, or other +the choicest specimens of his old Sèvres china, or other articles of <i>vertu</i>. Turning to his doctor, he said, with a gleam of his old fun, "Qu'elle est attachante, cette -femme-là!"</p> +femme-là !"</p> <p class="right"> <span class="smcap">Gronow</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. @@ -12067,11 +12030,11 @@ And his language to me from his bunk, Miss,<br /> <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capn.jpg" alt="N" /> -OUS ne trouvons guère de gens de bons sens que +OUS ne trouvons guère de gens de bons sens que ceux qui sont de notre avis.</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. +<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -12206,7 +12169,7 @@ And in the murmur of the breeze<br /> </p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Songs and Poems</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Songs and Poems</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -12264,7 +12227,7 @@ ROLY said very smart things, and with surprising readiness. I was at his table one day when one of the guests inquired the name of a pyramidal dish of barley-sugar. Some one replied, "A pyramid -<i>à Macédoine</i>." "For what use?" rejoined the other. +<i>à Macédoine</i>." "For what use?" rejoined the other. "To give a <i>Philip</i> to the appetite," said Croly. </p> @@ -12309,7 +12272,7 @@ moment. </p> <p style="margin-left: 2em"><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capw.jpg" alt="W" /> -HEN I was young and <i>débonnaire</i>,<br /> +HEN I was young and <i>débonnaire</i>,<br /> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The brownest nymph to me was fair;</span><br /> But now I'm old, and wiser grown,<br /> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The fairest nymph to me is Brown.</span><br /> @@ -12509,7 +12472,7 @@ mustard to a very little meat!" </p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -12687,7 +12650,7 @@ daughter of the Duke de ——, was expatiating at great length on the virtues, good qualities, and talents of his future wife, but without making allusion to her birth. "A t'entendre," observed Montrond, "on -dirait que tu épouses une fille surnaturelle."</p> +dirait que tu épouses une fille surnaturelle."</p> <p class="right"> <span class="smcap">Gronow</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. @@ -12889,7 +12852,7 @@ He only lost his way, and was be-nighted. <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/caps.jpg" alt="S" /> -ATAN was a blunderer, an introducer of <i>novità</i>, +ATAN was a blunderer, an introducer of <i>novità </i>, who made a stupendous failure. If he had succeeded, we should all have been worshipping him, and his portrait would have been more flattered.</p> @@ -13295,7 +13258,7 @@ For I fear I have nothing original in me—<br /> <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capl.jpg" alt="L" /> -A société est un état de guerre, réglé par les lois.</p> +A société est un état de guerre, réglé par les lois.</p> <p class="right"> <i>L'Art de Parvenir.</i> @@ -13370,7 +13333,7 @@ come again!" </p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Recollections</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -13501,7 +13464,7 @@ arms, in allusion to his brother, the well-known fish-sauce projector:</p> <p class="center" style="font-size: smaller"> -"<i>Gravi</i> jamdudum <i>saucia</i> curâ." +"<i>Gravi</i> jamdudum <i>saucia</i> curâ." </p> <p class="right"> @@ -13799,11 +13762,11 @@ to either.</p> <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capl.jpg" alt="L" /> -A curiosité n'est que la vanité. Le plus souvent +A curiosité n'est que la vanité. Le plus souvent on ne veut savoir que pour en parler.</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">Pascal</span>, <i>Pensées</i>. +<span class="smcap">Pascal</span>, <i>Pensées</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -13930,7 +13893,7 @@ Music that was "most music-hall,"<br /> </p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Songs and Poems</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Songs and Poems</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -13972,12 +13935,12 @@ Yet hope for sympathy,—but don't<br /> <p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[244]</a></span></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capn.jpg" alt="N" /> -OUS pardonnons souvent à ceux qui nous ennuient; -mais nous ne pouvons pardonner à ceux qui +OUS pardonnons souvent à ceux qui nous ennuient; +mais nous ne pouvons pardonner à ceux qui nous ennuyons.</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. +<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -14454,7 +14417,7 @@ That nothing is impossible to her.<br /> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capi.jpg" alt="I" /> REMEMBER a Trinity College (Dublin) story of -a student who, having to translate Cæsar, rendered +a student who, having to translate Cæsar, rendered the first sentence, "Omnis Gallia divisa est in tres partes,"—"All Gaul is quartered into three halves."</p> @@ -14626,7 +14589,7 @@ have his."</p> ITH undissembled grief I tell,—<br /> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">For sorrow never comes too late,—</span><br /> The simplest bonnet in Pall Mall<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is sold for £1 8<i>s.</i></span> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is sold for £1 8<i>s.</i></span> </p> <p class="right"> @@ -14667,7 +14630,7 @@ For that's the time those birds of prey<br /> </p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Songs and Poems</i>. +<span class="smcap">J. R. Planché</span>, <i>Songs and Poems</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -14700,11 +14663,11 @@ I trow 'tis useless asking me. <p><br /></p> <p><img style="float: left; height: 42px;" src="images/capl.jpg" alt="L" /> -E vrai honnête homme est celui qui ne se pique de +E vrai honnête homme est celui qui ne se pique de rien.</p> <p class="right"> -<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. +<span class="smcap">La Rochefoucauld</span>, <i>Réflexions</i>. </p> <p><br /></p> @@ -15514,7 +15477,7 @@ slightly. She does not move. "I may?"<br /> <br /> Davies, Scrope, quoted, <a href="#Page_130">130</a><br /> <br /> - Deshoulières, Madame, quoted, <a href="#Page_37">37</a><br /> + Deshoulières, Madame, quoted, <a href="#Page_37">37</a><br /> <br /> <i>Devil's Walk, the</i>, quoted, <a href="#Page_36">36</a><br /> <br /> @@ -16180,7 +16143,7 @@ slightly. She does not move. "I may?"<br /> <br /> ----, a sensation, described, <a href="#Page_93">93</a><br /> <br /> - November, Planché on, <a href="#Page_203">203</a><br /> + November, Planché on, <a href="#Page_203">203</a><br /> <br /> Number One, Lytton on, <a href="#Page_50">50</a><br /> <br /> @@ -16246,7 +16209,7 @@ slightly. She does not move. "I may?"<br /> <br /> Pennell, H. Cholmondeley, quoted, <a href="#Page_16">16</a>, <i>et seq.</i><br /> <br /> - <i>Pensées</i>, Pascal's, quoted, <a href="#Page_240">240</a><br /> + <i>Pensées</i>, Pascal's, quoted, <a href="#Page_240">240</a><br /> <br /> Permissive Bill, the, <a href="#Page_203">203</a><br /> <br /> @@ -16274,7 +16237,7 @@ slightly. She does not move. "I may?"<br /> <br /> "Plain leg of mutton," <a href="#Page_55">55</a><br /> <br /> - Planché, J. R., quoted, <a href="#Page_9">9</a>, <i>et seq.</i><br /> + Planché, J. R., quoted, <a href="#Page_9">9</a>, <i>et seq.</i><br /> <br /> Pleasing, the art of, <a href="#Page_31">31</a><br /> <br /> @@ -16294,7 +16257,7 @@ slightly. She does not move. "I may?"<br /> <br /> "Policeman's lot, the," <a href="#Page_209">209</a><br /> <br /> - Pommery Gréno, <a href="#Page_193">193</a><br /> + Pommery Gréno, <a href="#Page_193">193</a><br /> <br /> Poole, <i>mot</i> by, <a href="#Page_161">161</a><br /> <br /> @@ -16385,13 +16348,13 @@ slightly. She does not move. "I may?"<br /> <br /> ----, Mackay's, quoted, <a href="#Page_68">68</a>, <i>et seq.</i><br /> <br /> - ----, Planché's, quoted, <a href="#Page_9">9</a>, <i>et seq.</i><br /> + ----, Planché's, quoted, <a href="#Page_9">9</a>, <i>et seq.</i><br /> <br /> <i>Record of a Girlhood</i>, quoted, <a href="#Page_1">1</a>, <i>et seq.</i><br /> <br /> Reece, Robert, quoted, <a href="#Page_57">57</a>, <i>et seq.</i><br /> <br /> - <i>Réflexions</i>, Deshoulières', quoted, <a href="#Page_37">37</a><br /> + <i>Réflexions</i>, Deshoulières', quoted, <a href="#Page_37">37</a><br /> <br /> ----, La Rochefoucauld's, <a href="#Page_20">20</a>, <i>et seq.</i><br /> <br /> @@ -16469,7 +16432,7 @@ slightly. She does not move. "I may?"<br /> <br /> <i>Season, the</i>, quoted, <a href="#Page_19">19</a>, <i>et seq.</i><br /> <br /> - Sègur, Comte de, quoted, <a href="#Page_87">87</a><br /> + Sègur, Comte de, quoted, <a href="#Page_87">87</a><br /> <br /> Selden, John, quoted, <a href="#Page_11">11</a>, <i>et seq.</i><br /> <br /> @@ -16524,7 +16487,7 @@ slightly. She does not move. "I may?"<br /> <br /> Society, two classes in, <a href="#Page_120">120</a><br /> <br /> - <i>Songs and Poems</i>, Planché's, quoted, <a href="#Page_75">75</a>, <i>et seq.</i><br /> + <i>Songs and Poems</i>, Planché's, quoted, <a href="#Page_75">75</a>, <i>et seq.</i><br /> <br /> <i>Songs and Verses</i>, Neaves's, quoted, <a href="#Page_8">8</a>, <i>et seq.</i><br /> <br /> @@ -16844,385 +16807,6 @@ direct quotations from other sources.</p> <p>An Index is provided at the end of the book. A few minor corrections have been made to it.</p> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Quips and Quiddities, by William Davenport Adams - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES *** - -***** This file should be named 41713-h.htm or 41713-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/1/7/1/41713/ - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Eric Skeet and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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