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diff --git a/41713-0.txt b/41713-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..084d0d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/41713-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11620 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41713 *** + +Transcriber's Notes: + + Italic text is denoted by _underscores_. + + No attempt at consistency of spelling or punctuation has been made, + as the entire text consists of direct quotations from other sources. + + A few minor corrections have been made to the index or where the + original source has clearly been misprinted. + + * * * * * + + + + +QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES + +_Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2s. 6d. per volume._ + +THE MAYFAIR LIBRARY. + + +THE NEW REPUBLIC. By W. H. MALLOCK. + +THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA. By W. H. MALLOCK. + +THE TRUE HISTORY OF JOSHUA DAVIDSON. By E. +LYNN LINTON. + +OLD STORIES RE-TOLD. By WALTER THORNBURY. + +PUNIANA. By the Hon. HUGH ROWLEY. + +MORE PUNIANA. By the Hon. HUGH ROWLEY. + +THOREAU: HIS LIFE AND AIMS. By H. A. PAGE. + +BY STREAM AND SEA. By WILLIAM SENIOR. + +JEUX D'ESPRIT. Collected and Edited by HENRY S. LEIGH. + +GASTRONOMY AS A FINE ART. By BRILLAT-SAVARIN. + +THE MUSES OF MAYFAIR. Edited by H. CHOLMONDELEY +PENNELL. + +PUCK ON PEGASUS. By H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL. + +ORIGINAL PLAYS by W. S. GILBERT. FIRST SERIES. +Containing--The Wicked World, Pygmalion and Galatea, Charity, +The Princess, The Palace of Truth, Trial by Jury. + +ORIGINAL PLAYS by W. S. GILBERT. SECOND SERIES. +Containing--Broken Hearts, Engaged, Sweethearts, Dan'l Druce, +Gretchen, Tom Cobb, The Sorcerer, H.M.S. Pinafore, +The Pirates of Penzance. + +CAROLS OF COCKAYNE. By HENRY S. LEIGH. + +LITERARY FRIVOLITIES, FANCIES, FOLLIES, AND +FROLICS. By W. T. DOBSON. + +PENCIL AND PALETTE. By ROBERT KEMPT. + +THE BOOK OF CLERICAL ANECDOTES. By JACOB +LARWOOD. + +THE SPEECHES OF CHARLES DICKENS. + +THE CUPBOARD PAPERS. By FIN-BEC. + +QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES. Selected by W. DAVENPORT ADAMS. + +MELANCHOLY ANATOMISED: a Popular Abridgment of "Burton's Anatomy of +Melancholy." + +THE AGONY COLUMN OF "THE TIMES," FROM 1800 TO 1870. +Edited by ALICE CLAY. + +PASTIMES AND PLAYERS. By ROBERT MACGREGOR. + +CURIOSITIES OF CRITICISM. By HENRY J. JENNINGS. + +THE PHILOSOPHY OF HANDWRITING. By DON FELIX +DE SALAMANCA. + +LATTER-DAY LYRICS. Edited by W. DAVENPORT ADAMS. + +BALZAC'S COMÉDIE HUMAINE AND ITS AUTHOR. +With Translations by H. H. WALKER. + +_Other Volumes are in preparation._ + +CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY, W. + + + + +QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES + +_A QUINTESSENCE OF QUIRKS +QUAINT, QUIZZICAL, AND +QUOTABLE_ + + +SELECTED AND EDITED BY +W. DAVENPORT ADAMS + +AUTHOR OF THE "DICTIONARY OF ENGLISH LITERATURE," ETC. + +[Illustration] + +"How now, how now, mad wag? what, in thy Quips and thy Quiddities?" + +I _Henry IV._, i. 2 + +London +CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY +1881 + +[_All rights reserved._] + + + + +PREFACE. + + +This is a modest little volume. It consists but +of selections from the Editor's note-book, and its +object is but to amuse. It does not even aspire +to be read consecutively. The Compiler's hope +is only that it may be found a pleasant companion +at spare moments--that it may be considered +handy for the pocket, and be thought agreeable to +dip into. + +To that end, two things have been aimed at in +selecting--brevity and variety. There is scarcely +anything in the volume that cannot be read +almost at a glance, and the matter ranges over +a wide extent of literary effort--over play and +poem, over essay and novel, over maxim and epigram, +over memoir and diary. There is pun, and +there is parody; there is satire, and there is sarcasm. +In a word, the little book may say, with +Lafontaine, "Diversité c'est ma devise." There is +diversity even in the arrangement, which consists +merely of a general alternation of the prose and +verse. For the rest, the quips and quiddities are +in intentional disorder. + +Let it be added that, though there are a few +anonymous passages, most are duly attributed to +their writers, together with references to the +volumes from which they have been taken. In +this, every care has been exercised to arrive at +accuracy. The idea of completeness is, of course, +foreign to a selection of this sort, and it may be +mentioned that the Editor has been specially +anxious to avoid as much as possible the ground +covered by Mr. Leigh in his "Jeux d'Esprit," and +by Mr. Dobson in his "Literary Frivolities." His +aim, indeed, has been to take the freshest and least +hackneyed of the passages in his collection, though +he has not hesitated to include a venerable saying +when it has seemed to him as good as it is venerable. + +In conclusion, the Compiler desires to express +in the most hearty manner his indebtedness to +those numerous living writers whose bright and +airy fancies form, in his opinion, one of the chief +attractions of the book. He ought, perhaps, to +apologize to those writers for presenting their +fancies in a manner so generally fragmentary and +disconnected. But that the contents of the book +should be thus disconnected and fragmentary was +part and parcel of its plan and origin, and, that +being the case, the Editor hopes to be excused. +He may state that, in those few cases where a +piece of verse is given entire, it is distinguished +by the presence of a heading. The epigrams, +maxims, and anecdotes are, of course, reproduced +as written--being, in their very nature, of the +brevity essential to a quip. + +Further: on the principle that no book, however +unpretending, should be without an Index, the +Compiler has supplied one for the present volume. + +W.D.A. + + + + + "Shall I tell thee one thing, Poins?" + "Yes, faith; and let it be an excellent good thing." + + I _Henry IV._, ii. 2. + + + + + QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES. + + + When Miss Callender, afterwards Mrs. Sheridan, + published a novel, the hero of which commits + forgery, that wicked wit, Sydney Smith, said he + knew she was a Callender, but did not know till then + that she was a Newgate Calendar. + + FANNY KEMBLE, _Record of a Girlhood_. + + + An estate and beauty joined, are of an unlimited, nay, a power + pontifical; make one not only absolute, but infallible. A fine + woman's never in the wrong. + + _Lady Betty_, in CIBBER's _Careless Husband_. + + + _THEOPHILUS._ + + When I'm drinking my tea + I think of my _The_; + When I'm drinking my coffee + I think of my _Offee_; + So, whether I'm drinking my tea or my coffee, + I'm always a-thinking of thee, my Theoffy. + + ROGERS, _apud_ MOORE. + + + Bobus was very amusing. He is a great authority + on Indian matters. We talked of the insects + and the snakes, and he said a thing which + reminded me of his brother Sydney: "Always, sir, + manage to have at your table some fleshy blooming + young writer or cadet, just come out, that the mosquitoes + may stick to him, and leave the rest of the company + alone." + + LORD MACAULAY, _Life_. + + + Lady Greenwich, in a conversation with + Lady Tweeddale, named the Saxons. "The + Saxons, my dear," cried the Marchioness; "who + were they?" "Lord, madam, did your ladyship never + read the History of England?" "No, my dear; pray, + who wrote it?" + + HORACE WALPOLE, _Correspondence_. + + + _ON THE MARRIAGE OF A MR. LOT AND A MISS SALTER._ + + Because on her way she chose to halt, + Lot's wife, in the Scriptures, was turned into salt; + But though in her course she ne'er did falter, + This young Lot's wife, strange to say, was Salter. + + HICKS, _apud_ J. C. YOUNG. + + + Hook was dining at Powell's one day, and the talk + fell upon _feu_ Jack Reeve. "Yes," said Theodore, + when they were speaking of his funeral, + "I met him in his private box, going to the pit." + + H. F. CHORLEY, _Life and Letters_. + + + _TO A BAD FIDDLER._ + + Old Orpheus played so well, he moved old Nick, + While thou mov'st nothing but thy fiddlestick! + + _A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727). + + + A lady from China who was dining with the + Archbishop [Whately] told him that English + flowers reared in that country lose their perfume + in two or three years. "Indeed!" was the immediate + remark, "I had no idea that the Chinese were such + de-scent-ers." + + E. J. WHATELY's _Life of Whately_. + + + _ON THE ART UNIONS._ + + That Picture-Raffles will conduce to nourish + Design, or cause good colouring to flourish, + Admits of logic-chopping and wise-sawing: + But surely Lotteries encourage Drawing? + + THOMAS HOOD, _Whims and Oddities_. + + + Robert Smith (brother of Sydney, and familiarly + called "Bobus") was a lawyer and an + ex-Advocate-General, and happened on one + occasion to be engaged in argument with an excellent + physician touching the merits of their respective professions. + "You must admit," urged Dr. ----, "that + your profession does not make angels of men." "No," + was the retort, "there you have the best of it; yours + certainly gives them the first chance." + + ABRAHAM HAYWARD, _Essays_. + + + In London I never know what I'd be at, + Enraptured with this, and enchanted by that; + I'm wild with the sweets of variety's plan, + And Life seems a blessing too happy for man. + + But the Country, Lord help me! sets all matters right; + So calm and composing from morning to night; + Oh! it settles the spirits when nothing is seen + But an ass on a common, a goose on a green. + + CHARLES MORRIS, _Lyra Urbanica_. + + + Parler d'amour, c'est faire amour. + + BALZAC, _Physiologie du Mariage_. + + + At the Polish ball, the Lord Mayor said to Lady + Douglas, who squints, "Which do you prefer, + my lady, Gog or Magog?" "Of the _three_," + said Lady Douglas, "I prefer your lordship!" + + B. R. HAYDON, _Diary_. + + + _ON THE CAPPADOCIANS._ + + A viper bit a Cappadocian's hide; + But 'twas the viper, not the man, that died. + + ANON., _from the Greek_. + + + The merits of a certain American diplomatist being + on the _tapis_, [Washington Irving] said, in allusion + to his pomposity, "Ah, he is a great man; + and, in his own estimation, a very great man--a man of + great weight. When he goes to the West, the East + tips up." + + J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. + + + When a rapt audience has encored "Fra Poco" + Or "Casta Diva," I have heard that then + The Prima Donna, smiling herself out, + Recruits her flagging powers with bottled stout. + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_. + + + I believe everything. It saves one such a world + of bore from intelligent people who are anxious + to explain things you doubt about. + + _Lucy Forrester_, in BROOKS' _Aspen Court_. + + + Rank so friendly now with trade is, + Bill discounters titled ladies + Stoop to raise. + Manners used to make the man, + It is only money can + Nowadays. + + J. JEMMETT BROWNE, _Songs of Many Seasons_. + + + Black is a great fact. Want of fashion in the cut; + want of richness in the material; want of _chic_ + in the wearer--all these it covers, like charity. + There's a sentiment about it which appeals to the feelings, + and it is becoming to the skin. + + ANNA C. STEELE. + + + Are you quite sure that Pygmalion is the only + person who ever fell in love with his own + handiwork? + + _Guesses at Truth._ + + + Duty,--that's to say the complying + With whate'er's expected here, + On your unknown cousin's dying, + Straight be ready with the tear; + Upon etiquette relying, + Unto usage nought denying, + Lend your waist to be embraced, + Blush not even, never fear. + + A. H. CLOUGH, _Poems_. + + + What Jenner said on hearing in Elysium that + complaints had been made of his having a statue + in Trafalgar Square:-- + + England, ingratitude still blots + The escutcheon of the brave and free: + I saved you many million spots, + And now you grudge one spot to me. + + SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. + + + Deh! what are we sinners doing all our lives? + Making soup in a basket, and getting nothing + but the scum for our stomachs. + + _Machiavelli_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Romola_. + + + My idea of an agreeable person is a person who + agrees with me. + + _Hugo Bohun_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Lothair_. + + + "Will you walk a little faster?" said a whiting to a snail, + "There's the porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail. + See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance! + They are waiting on the shingle--will you come and join the dance? + + "You can really have no notion how delightful it will be + When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!" + But the snail replied, "Too far, too far!" and gave a look askance, + Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance. + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. + + + I could draw on wood at a very tender age. + When a mere child I once drew a small cartload + of turnips over a wooden bridge. The people + of the village noticed me. I drew their attention. + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + That all-softening over-powering knell, + The tocsin of the soul--the dinner-bell. + + LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. + + + Now Darwin proves as clear as mud, + That, endless ages ere the Flood, + The Coming Man's primeval form + Was simply an Ascidian worm: + And having then the habit got + Of passing liquor down his throat, + He keeps it still, and shows full well + That Man--was--once----a leather bottèl. + + LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. + + + "The ancients," quoth Paul, "were very great + men, Mr. MacGrawler." + "They were so, sir," returned the critic; + "we make it a rule in our profession to assert that fact." + "But, sir," said Paul, "they are wrong now and then." + "Never, Ignoramus, never." + "They praised poverty, Mr. MacGrawler," said Paul, + with a sigh. + "Hem," quoth the critic, a little staggered; but presently + recovering his characteristic acumen, he observed, + "It is true, Paul, but that was the poverty of other + people." + + LORD LYTTON, _Paul Clifford_. + + + Yes, Fortune deserves to be chidden, + It is a coincidence queer-- + Whenever one wants to be hidden + Some blockhead is sure to appear! + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + One day in the country [Sheridan Knowles] said to + Abbot, with whom he had been acting there, + "My dear fellow, I'm off to-morrow. Can I + take any letters for you?" "You're very kind," answered + Abbot; "but where are you going to?" "_I haven't + made up my mind._" + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. + + + _BLUE STOCKINGS._ + + The newspapers lately have taught us to know + How some strong-minded hens are beginning to crow. + But, dear ladies, beware: take the word of a friend, + That when rivalry comes, all affection must end. + With the brightest of _spoons_ would be war to the _knife_ + In political contests 'twixt husband and wife; + And the sentence of doom might be sudden and brief + If a feminine subaltern jilted her chief. + We men take a pride in concealing our chains, + And would like to be thought to monopolize brains; + So I'll give you this maxim, my counsels to crown-- + _If the stockings are blue, keep the petticoats down._ + + _Once a Week._ + + + Talking of Kean, I mentioned his having told + me that he had eked out his means of living, + before he emerged from obscurity, by teaching + dancing, fencing, elocution, and boxing. "Elocution + and boxing!" (repeated Bobus Smith)--"a word and a + blow." + + THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. + + + _MILITARY._ + + Smart soldiers like to be well tightened in: + Loose habits would destroy all discipline. + + H. J. BYRON, in _English Epigrams_. + + + Fontaine, the architect, who built the triumphal + arch in the Carrousel, placed upon it an empty + car, drawn by the famous bronze Venetian + horses. Talleyrand asked him, "_Qui avez vous l'intention + de mettre dans le char?_" The answer was, "_L'Empereur + Napoléon, comme de raison_." Upon which Talleyrand + said, "_Le char l'attend_." + + GRONOW, _Recollections_. + + + 'Tis doubtless well to be sometimes awake-- + Awake to duty, and awake to truth,-- + But when, alas! a nice review we take + Of our best deeds and days, we find, in sooth, + The hours that leave the slightest cause to weep + Are those we passed in childhood or asleep! + + JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. + + + _Sir Toby._ "Does not our life consist of the four + elements?" + _Sir Andrew._ "Faith, so they say; but I think + it rather consists of eating and drinking." + + _Twelfth Night_, Act II., Scene 3. + + + She thought "Wives and Daughters" "_so_ jolly;" + "Had I read it?" She knew that I had: + Like the rest, I should dote upon "Molly;" + And "poor Mrs. Gaskell--how sad!" + "Like Browning?" "But so-so." His proof lay + Too deep for her frivolous mood, + That preferred your mere metrical _soufflé_ + To the stronger poetical food; + Yet at times he was good--"as a tonic:" + Was Tennyson writing just now? + And was this new poet Byronic, + And clever, and naughty, or how? + + AUSTIN DOBSON, _Vignettes in Rhyme_. + + + Old friends are best. King James used to call for + his old shoes; they were easiest for his feet. + + SELDEN, _Table Talk_. + + + Let a coach be called, + And let the man who called it be the caller; + And in his calling let him nothing call, + But coach, coach, coach! Oh for a coach, ye gods! + + CAREY, _Chrononhotonthologos_. + + + If you could make a pudding wi' thinking o' the + batter, it 'ud be easy getting dinner. + + _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. + + + There's somewhat on my breast, father, + There's somewhat on my breast; + The livelong day I sigh, father, + And at night I cannot rest. + 'Tis not the lack of gold, father, + Nor want of worldly gear; + My lands are broad, and fair to see, + My friends are kind and dear. + + 'Tis not that Janet's false, father, + 'Tis not that she's unkind; + Though busy flatterers swarm around, + I know her constant mind. + 'Tis not her coldness, father, + That chills my labouring breast: + It's that confounded cucumber + I've eat and can't digest. + + R. H. BARHAM, _Ingoldsby Lyrics_. + + + Insolence is a charming quality, when, like + mercy, it is not strained. + + _Once a Week._ + + + Ancient Phillis has young graces, + 'Tis a strange thing, but a true one! + Shall I tell you how? + She, herself, makes her own faces, + And each morning wears a new one; + Where's the wonder now? + + _Lord Froth_, in CONGREVE's _Double Dealer_. + + + Célébrité--l'avantage d'être connu de ceux que + vous ne connaissez pas. + + CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. + + + 'Tis past all bearing, when a husband slights his bride, + Who last Christmas still was blushing at her elder sister's side; + Still on some minute allowance finding collars, boots, and gloves, + Still to cousinly flirtations limiting her list of loves, + Still by stern domestic edict charged on no account to read + Any of Miss Brontë's novels, or to finish _Adam Bede_. + + _First Lady_, in TREVELYAN's _Ladies in Parliament_. + + + I differ from all the ordinary biographers of + that independent gentleman Don't Care. I + believe Don't Care came to a good end. At any + rate he came to some end. Whereas numbers of people + never have beginning, or ending, of their own. + + _Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_. + + + _DISTICH._ + + Wisely a woman prefers to a lover a man who neglects her. + This one may love her some day; some day the lover will not. + + JOHN HAY, _Poems_. + + + One morning [Jerrold and Compton] proceeded + together to view the pictures in the Gallery of + Illustration. On entering the ante-room, they + found themselves opposite to a number of very long + looking-glasses. Pausing before one of these, [Compton] + remarked to Jerrold, "You've come here to admire + works of art! Very well, first feast your eyes on that + work of nature!"--pointing to his own figure reflected + in the glass; "look at it, there's a picture for you!" + "Yes," said Jerrold, regarding it intently, "very fine, + very fine indeed!" Then, turning to his friend: "Wants + hanging, though!" + + _Memoir of Henry Compton._ + + + Sing for the garish eye, + When moonless brandlings cling! + Let the froddering crooner cry, + And the braddled sapster sing. + For never, and never again, + Will the tottering beechlings play, + For bratticed wrackers are singing aloud, + And the throngers croon in May! + + W. S. GILBERT. + + + Sydney Smith said of a certain quarrelsome + person that his very face was a breach of the + peace. + + J. T. FIELDS, _Yesterdays with Authors_. + + + Kerchief in hand I saw them stand; + In every kerchief lurked a lunch; + When they unfurl'd them it was grand + To watch bronzed men and maidens crunch + The sounding celery-stick, or ram + The knife into the blushing ham. + + Dash'd the bold fork through pies of pork; + O'er hard-boil'd eggs the saltspoon shook; + Leapt from its lair the playful cork: + Yet some there were, to whom the brook + Seemed sweetest beverage, and for meat + They chose the red root of the beet. + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. + + + Of all virtues, magnanimity is the rarest. There + are a hundred persons of merit for one who + willingly acknowledges it in another. + + W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. + + + Bisness first, pleasure artervards, as King Richard + the Third said ven he stabbed the tother king in + the Tower, afore he murdered the babbies. + + CHARLES DICKENS, _apud_ J. T. FIELDS. + + + We are all of us liable to this error of imagining + that we are grieved at a fault, when we are only + grieved at having done something to lower ourselves + in our own estimation. + + E. M. SEWELL, _Margaret Percival_. + + + I trembled once beneath her spell + Whose spelling was extremely so-so. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + It's easy finding reasons why other folks should be + patient. + + _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. + + _OUR TRAVELLER._ + + If thou wouldst stand on Etna's burning brow, + With smoke above, and roaring flames below; + And gaze adown that molten gulf reveal'd + Till thy soul shudder'd, and thy senses reel'd;-- + If thou wouldst beard Niagara in his pride, + Or stem the billows of Propontic tide; + Scale all alone some dizzy Alpine _haut_, + And shriek "Excelsior!" amidst the snow;-- + Wouldst tempt all deaths, all dangers that may be, + Perils by land, and perils on the sea,-- + This vast round world, I say, if thou wouldst view it, + Then why the dickens don't you go and do it? + + H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Puck on Pegasus_. + + + I am saddest when I sing; so are those who hear + me. They are sadder even than I am. + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + An ape with a pliable thumb and big brain, + When the gift of the gab he had managed to gain, + As a lord of creation established his reign, + Which nobody can deny. + + But I'm sadly afraid, if we do not take care, + A relapse to low life may our prospects impair, + So of beastly propensities let us beware, + Which nobody can deny. + + Their lofty position our children may lose, + And, reduced to all-fours, must then narrow their views, + Which would shortly unfit them for wearing our shoes, + Which nobody can deny. + + Their vertebræ next might be taken away, + When they'd sink to an oyster, or insect, some day, + Or the pitiful part of a polypus play, + Which nobody can deny. + + LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. + + + It's dreadful to think on, people playing with their + own insides in that way! And it's flying i' the + face o' Providence; for what are the doctors for, + if we aren't to call 'em in? + + _Mrs. Pullet_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Mill on the Floss_. + + + Brief, in two rules he summed the ends of man-- + Keep all you have, and try for all you can! + + LORD LYTTON, _King Arthur_. + + + _LOVE SONG._ + + What mistress half so dear as mine, + Half so well dressed, so pungent, fragrant, + Who can such attributes combine, + To charm the constant, fix the vagrant? + Who can display such varied arts, + To suit the taste of saint and sinner, + Who go so near to touch their hearts, + As thou, my darling dainty dinner? + + Still my breast holds a rival queen, + A bright-eyed nymph of sloping shoulders, + Whose ruddy cheeks and graceful mien + Entrance the sense of all beholders. + Oh! when thy lips to mine are pressed, + What transports titillate my throttle! + My love can find new life and zest, + In thee, and thee alone, my bottle! + + HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. + + + Fashion with us is like the man in one of Le + Sage's novels, who was constantly changing his + servants, and yet had but one suit of livery, + which every newcomer, whether he was tall or short, fat + or thin, was obliged to wear. + + _Wormwood_, in LORD LYTTON's _Pelham_. + + + Unmarketable maidens of the mart, + Who, plumpness gone, fine delicacy feint, + And hide your sins in piety and paint. + + ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. + + + Seeing O. Smith, the popular melodramatic actor, + on the opposite side of the Strand, Knowles + rushed across the road, seized him by the hand, + and inquired eagerly after his health. Smith, who only + knew him by sight, said, "I think, Mr. Knowles, you + are mistaken; I am O. Smith." "My dear fellow," cried + Knowles, "I beg you ten thousand pardons: I took + you for your _namesake_, T. P. Cooke!" + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. + + + _A PRACTICAL ANSWER._ + + _Says Hyam to Moses, + "Let's cut off our noses," + Says Moses to Hyam, + "Ma tear, who would buy 'em?"_ + + SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. + + + Turnips should never be pulled: it injures them. + It is much better to send a boy up and let him + shake the tree. + + MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. + + + He lived in a cave by the seas, + He lived upon oysters and foes, + But his list of forbidden degrees + An extensive morality shows; + Geological evidence goes + To prove he had never a pan, + But he shaved with a shell when he chose,-- + 'Twas the manner of Primitive Man. + + He worshipped the rain and the breeze, + He worshipped the river that flows, + And the dawn, and the moon, and the trees, + And bogies, and serpents, and crows; + He buried his dead with their toes + Tucked-up, an original plan, + Till their knees came right under their nose,-- + 'Twas the manner of Primitive Man. + + ANDREW LANG, _Ballades in Blue China_. + + + On ne loue d'ordinaire que pour être loué. + + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. + + + Would you adopt a strong logical attitude, + Bear this in mind, and, whatever you do, + Always allow your opponent full latitude, + Whether or not his assumption be true. + Then, when he manifests feelings of gratitude + Merely because you've not shut him up flat, + Turn his pet paradox into a platitude + With the remark, "Oh, of _course_, we know that!" + + GODFREY TURNER. + + + The gentle reader, who may wax unkind, + And, caring little for the author's ease, + Insist on knowing what he means--a hard + And hapless situation for a bard. + + LORD BYRON, _Beppo_. + + + My dear, when you have a clergyman in your + family you must accommodate your tastes: I + did that very early. When I married Humphrey, + I made up my mind to like sermons, and I set out by + liking the end very much. That soon spread to the + middle and the beginning, because I couldn't have the + end without them. + + _Mrs. Cadwallader_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Middlemarch_. + + + Great theologians, talk not of Trinity: + Heretics, plague us no more with your fibs; + One question only, Which is the Divinity,-- + Willcox or Gibbs? + + MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_. + + + "Is that the contents you are looking at?" inquired + an anxious author, who saw Rogers's eye + fixed on a table or list at the commencement + of a presentation copy of a new work. "No," said + Rogers, pointing to the list of subscribers, "the _dis_-contents." + + A. HAYWARD, _Essays_. + + + The river's like glass-- + As slowly I pass, + This sweet little lass + Raises two + Forget-me-not eyes + In laughing surprise-- + From canoe. + And as I float by, + Said I, "Miss, O why? + O why may not I + Drift with you?" + Said she, with a start, + "I've no room in my heart-- + Or canoe!" + + J. ASHBY STERRY, _Boudoir Ballads_. + + + Kenny one day mentioned Charles Lamb's being + once bored by a lady praising to him "such a + charming man!" etc., etc.; ending with, "I know + him, bless him!" On which Lamb said, "Well, I don't, + but d---- him at a hazard." + + THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. + + + They sought it with thimbles, they sought it with care; + They pursued it with forks and hope; + They threatened its life with a railway share; + They charmed it with smiles and soap. + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Hunting of the Snark_. + + + I remember being present at a dinner in + London, when a very severe and saturnine + Scotch Presbyterian was abusing Sunday newspapers, + and concluded a violent tirade by saying, "I + am determined to set my face against them." "So am I," + said Theodore Hook, "every Sunday morning." + + GRONOW, _Recollections_. + + + _ON A RADICAL REFORMER._ + + Tomkins will clear the land, they say, + From every foul abuse; + So chimneys in the olden time + Were cleansèd by a goose. + + JAMES HANNAY, _Sketches and Characters_. + + + I was mentioning that some one had said of + Sharpe's very dark complexion that he looked + as if the dye of his old trade (hat making) had + got engrained into his face. "Yes," said Luttrell, "darkness + that may be _felt_!" + + THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. + + + It seems that poor Bruin has never had peace + 'Twixt bald men in Bethel, and wise men in grease. + + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + The term _sound divine_ being used, I said, "I do + not know what is a sound divine," quoting Pope-- + "'Dulness is sacred in a sound divine.'" + "But I do," said Donaldson. "It is a divine who is + _vox et præterea nihil_." + + CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. + + + Plain food is quite enough for me; + Three courses are as good as ten; + If Nature can subsist on three, + Thank heaven for three--Amen! + I always thought cold victual nice-- + My _choice_ should be vanilla-ice. + + I care not much for gold or land; + Give me a mortgage here or there; + Some good bank-stock, some note of hand, + Or trifling railroad share:-- + I only ask that fortune send + A _little_ more than I shall spend. + + OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. + + + Some one saying to Sir F. Gould, "I am told you + eat three eggs _every day at breakfast_,"--"No," + answered Gould, "on the contrary." Some of + those present asked, "What was the contrary of eating + three eggs?" "Laying three eggs, I suppose," said + Luttrell. + + THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. + + + Blossom of hawthorn whitens in May: + Never an end to true love's sway! + Blossom of hawthorn fades in June: + I shall be tired of my true love soon! + Blossom of hawthorn's gone in July: + Darling, I must be off,--good-bye! + + ANON. + + + The late Mr. Nightingale was telling Horace Smith + of his having given a late royal duke an account + of an accident he had met with when he had been + run away with, and of the duke's exclaiming aloud to himself, + when he heard he had jumped out of the carriage, + "Fool! fool!" "Now," said the narrator to his auditor, + "it's all very well for him to call me a fool, but I can't + conceive why he should. Can you?" "No," replied + the wag, as if reflecting, "because he could not suppose + you ignorant of the fact." + + J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. + + + Such are the sylvan scenes that thrill + This heart! The lawns, the happy shade + Where matrons, whom the sunbeams grill, + Stir with slow spoon their lemonade; + And maidens flirt (no extra charge) + In comfort at the fountain's marge! + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. + + + The crow!--the crow!--the great black crow! + He loves the fat meadow--his taste is low; + He loves the fat worms, and he dines in a row + With fifty fine cousins all black as a sloe. + Sloe--sloe! you great black crow! + But it is jolly to fare like a great black crow! + + P. J. BAILEY, _Festus_. + + + If a man's got a bit of property, a stake in the + country, he'll want to keep things square. + Where Jack isn't safe, Tom's in danger. + + _Mr. Wace_, in GEORGE ELIOT'S _Felix Holt_. + + + Turn not from poor pussy in disdain, + Whose pride of ancestry may equal thine; + For is she not a blood descendant of + The ancient Catty line? + + R. H. NEWELL, _Orpheus C. Kerr Papers_. + + + I heard the other day of Jekyll making the + following pun. He said, "Erskine used to + hesitate very much, and could not speak very + well after dinner. I dined with him once at the Fishmongers' + Company. He made such a sad work of + speechifying that I asked him whether it was in honour + of the Company that he _floundered_ so?" + + CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. + + + Who knows if what Adam might speak + Was mono- or poly-syllabic; + Was Gothic, or Gaelic, or Greek, + Tartàric, Chinese, or Aràbic? + It may have been Sanskrit or Zend-- + It must have been something or other; + But thus far I'll stoutly contend,-- + It wasn't the tongue of his mother. + + LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. + + + Men's natures are neither black nor white, but + _brown_. + + CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. + + + Oh, Love's but a dance, + Where Time plays the fiddle! + See the couples advance,-- + Oh, Love's but a dance! + A whisper, a glance,-- + "Shall we twirl down the middle?" + Oh, Love's but a dance, + Where Time plays the fiddle! + + AUSTIN DOBSON, _Proverbs in Porcelain_. + + + I met a man in Oregon who hadn't any teeth--not + a tooth in his head--yet that man could play on + the bass drum better than any man I ever met. + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + The Duke of Rutland, at one of his levées, + being at a loss for something to say to every + person he was bound in etiquette to notice, + remarked to Sir John Hamilton that there was a prospect + of an excellent crop. "The timely rain," observed + the duke, "will bring everything above ground." "God + forbid, your excellency!" exclaimed the courtier. His + excellency stared, whilst Sir John continued, sighing + heavily as he spoke, "Yes, God forbid! for I have + _three wives_ under it!" + + SIR JONAH BARRINGTON, _Memoirs_. + + + "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak + For anything tougher than suet; + Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak,-- + Pray, how did you manage to do it?" + + "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, + And argued each case with my wife; + And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw + Has lasted the rest of my life." + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. + + + Le monde récompense plus souvent les apparances + du mérite que le mérite même. + + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. + + + Curran told an anecdote of an Irish parliament + man, who was boasting in the House of Commons + of his attachment to trial by jury. "Mr. + Speaker, by the trial by jury I have lived, and by the + blessing of God, with the trial by jury I will die!" + Curran sat near him, and whispered audibly, "What, + Jack! do you mean to be hanged?" + + CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. + + + They roused him with muffins--they roused him with ice-- + They roused him with mustard and cress-- + They roused him with jam and judicious advice-- + They set him conundrums to guess. + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Hunting of the Snark_. + + + My old friend Maltby, the brother of the bishop, was + a very absent man. One day at Paris, in the + Louvre, we were looking at the pictures, when a + lady entered who spoke to me, and kept me some minutes + in conversation. On rejoining Maltby, I said, "That + was Mrs. ----. We have not met so long, she had + almost forgotten me, and asked me if my name was + Rogers." Maltby, still looking at the pictures, "And + was it?" + + ROGERS, _apud_ J. R. PLANCHÉ. + + + No one likes to be disturbed at meals + Or love. + + LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. + + + What is man's end? To know and to be free. + Think you to compass it by tracts and tea? + + ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. + + + To preach long, loud, and damnation, is the way to + be cried up. We love a man that damns us, and + we run after him again to save us. + + SELDEN, _Table Talk_. + + + It's such a very serious thing + To be a funny man! + + JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. + + + A bore cannot be a good man: for the better he + is, the greater bore he will be, and the more + hateful he will make goodness. + + LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. + + + Parson Wilbur sez he never heerd in his life + Thet th' Apostles rigged out in their swaller-tail coats, + An' marched round in front of a drum and a fife, + To get some on 'em office, an' some on 'em votes; + But John P. + Robinson he + Sez they didn't know everythin' down in Judee. + + J. R. LOWELL, _Biglow Papers_. + + + I could resign that eye of blue, + Howe'er its splendour used to thrill me; + And e'en that cheek of roseate hue-- + To lose it, Chloe, would not kill me. + + That sunny neck I ne'er should miss, + However much I raved about it; + And sweetly as that lip can kiss, + I think I could exist without it. + + In short, so well I've learned to fast, + That, sooth, my love, I know not whether + I might not bring myself at last + To do without you altogether. + + THOMAS MOORE. + + + L'art de plaire est l'art de tromper. + + VAUVENARGUES, _Réflexions_. + + + We don't marry beggars, said she: why, no: + It seems that to make 'em is what you do; + And as I can cook, and scour, and sew, + I needn't pay half my victuals for you. + A man for himself should be able to scratch, + But tickling's a luxury:--love, indeed! + Love burns as long as a lucifer-match, + Wedlock's the candle! Now that's my creed. + + GEORGE MEREDITH, _Modern Love_. + + + And while my schoolmates studied less, + I resolutely studied _Moore_. + + _Songs of Singularity._ + + + "One of my aides-de-camp," said Lord Wellesley + to Plunket on one occasion, "has written a + personal narrative of his travels,--pray, Chief + Justice, what is your definition of 'personal'?" "My + lord," replied Plunket, "we lawyers always consider + _personal_ as opposed to _real_." + + LORD ALBEMARLE, _Fifty Years of my Life_. + + + I make the butter fly, all in an hour: + I put aside the preserves and cold meats, + Telling my master his cream has turned sour, + Hiding his pickles, purloining his sweets. + I never languish for husband or dower, + I never sigh to see gyps at my feet: + I make the butter fly, all in an hour, + Taking it home for my Saturday treat. + + _Lydia_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Horace at Athens_. + + + English is an expressive language, but not + difficult to master. Its range is limited. It + consists, so far as I can observe, of four words: + "nice," "jolly," "charming," and "bore;" and some + grammarians add "fond." + + _Pinto_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Lothair_. + + + When Sir George Rose was appointed one of the + four judges of the now extinct Court of Review, + he came to Lincoln's Inn with his colleagues to + be sworn in. Some friend congratulating him on his + access of dignity, he observed, "Yes! here we are, you + see--_four by honours_!" + + _Macmillan's Magazine._ + + + Ah! who has seen the mailèd lobster rise, + Clap her broad wings, and, soaring, claim the skies? + When did the owl, descending from her bower, + Crop, 'midst the fleecy flocks, the tender flower; + Or the young heifer plunge, with pliant limb, + In the salt wave, and fish-like strive to swim? + The same with plants--potatoes 'tatoes breed, + The costly cabbage springs from cabbage-seed; + Lettuce to lettuce, leeks to leeks, succeed; + Nor e'er did cooling cucumbers presume + To flower like myrtle, or like violets bloom. + + _The Anti-Jacobin._ + + + Une femme d'esprit m'a dit un jour un mot qui + pourrait bien être le secret de son sexe; c'est + que toute femme, en prenant un amant, tient + plus de compte de la manière dont les autres femmes + voient cet homme que de la manière dont elle le voit + elle-même. + + CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. + + + Here, waiter, I'll dine in this box; + I've looked at your long bill of fare: + A Pythagorean it shocks + To view all the rarities there. + + I'm not o'erburdened with cash, + Roast beef is the dinner for me; + Then why should I eat _calipash_, + Or why should I eat _calipee_? + + Your trifle's no trifle, I ween, + To customers prudent as I am; + Your peas in December are green, + But I'm not so green as to buy 'em. + + With ven'son I seldom am fed-- + Go, bring me a sirloin, you ninny; + Who dines at a guinea a head + Will ne'er by his head get a guinea. + + JAMES SMITH, _Horace in London_. + + + One of Lord Dudley's eccentric habits was that of + speaking to himself or thinking aloud. Soon + after he succeeded to the title of Dudley and + Ward, a lady asked Lord Castlereagh how he accounted + for the custom. "It is only Dudley speaking to Ward," + was the ready answer to her inquiry. + + SINCLAIR, _Old Times and Distant Places_. + + + Le secret d'ennuyer est celui de tout dire. + + VOLTAIRE, _Discours_, vi. + + + I never heard Rogers volunteer an opinion upon + Campbell, except after his death, when he had + been to see the poet's statue. "It is the first + time," said he, "that I have seen him stand straight for + many years." + + BRYAN WALLER PROCTER. + + + "Vexation of spirit"--that is the part that + belongs to us; we leave the "vanity" to the + women. + + _Vanecourt_, in L. OLIPHANT's _Piccadilly_. + + + I watched her as she stoop'd to pluck + A wild flower in her hair to twine; + And wish'd that it had been my luck + To call her mine. + + Anon I heard her rate, with mad + Mad words, her babe within its cot; + And felt particularly glad + That it had not. + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. + + + Practice does not always make perfect. Curran, + when told by his physician that he seemed + to cough with more difficulty, replied, "That + is odd enough, for I have been practising all night." + + HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. + + + We talk little if we do not talk about ourselves. + + W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. + + + And how was the Devil drest? + O, he was in his Sunday's best; + His jacket was red and his breeches were blue, + And there was a hole where the tail came through. + + _The Devil's Walk._ + + + A closed glass bookcase provoked from Dr. Drake + the remark that he never could stand "Locke + on the Human Understanding." + + LORD TEIGNMOUTH, _Reminiscences_. + + + There was a time, ere Trollope learned to spell, + When S. G. O. wrote seldom or wrote well; + When Swinburne only lusted after tarts, + When Beales was yet a Bachelor of Arts; + Ere Broad Church rose to make logicians stare, + That medley of St. Paul and St. Voltaire. + + RICHARD CRAWLEY, _Horse and Foot_. + + + [Redmond Barry] said once to Corry, who + was praising Crompton's performance of some + particular character a night or two before, + "Yes, he played the part pretty well; he hadn't time to + study it!" + + THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. + + + If a daughter you have, she's the plague of your life, + No peace shall you know, though you've buried your wife! + At twenty she mocks at the duty you've taught her-- + O, what a plague is an obstinate daughter! + Sighing and whining, + Dying and pining, + O, what a plague is an obstinate daughter! + + When scarce in their teens, they have wit to perplex us, + With letters and lovers for ever they vex us; + While each still rejects the fair suitor you've brought her; + O, what a plague is an obstinate daughter! + Wrangling and jangling, + Flouting and pouting, + O, what a plague is an obstinate daughter! + + R. B. SHERIDAN, _The Duenna_. + + + _Kitty_: What is your ladyship so fond of? + _Lady Bab's Servant_: Shickspur. Did you + never read Shickspur? + _Kitty_: Shickspur! Shickspur! Who wrote it? No, + I never read Shickspur. + + _High Life Below Stairs_, Act II. Scene 1. + + + Nul n'est content de sa fortune + Ni mécontent de son esprit. + + MADAME DESHOULIÈRES, _Réflexions_. + + + In courtship suppose you can't sing + Your Cara, your Liebe, your Zoë, + A kiss and a sight of the ring + Will more quickly prevail with your Chloe. + + Or if you in twenty strange tongues + Could call for a beef-steak and bottle, + A purse with less learning and lungs + Would bring them much nearer your throttle. + + LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. + + + The father of C----, a distinguished artist, was + complimented by a friend on the talents and + reputation of his son, and on the comfort he + must be to his father. "Yes," was the reply, "he is a + very good son--a very good son, if he did not swear at + his mother so." + + W. H. HARRISON, _University Magazine_. + + + The old, old tale! ay, there's the smart; + Her heart, or what she call'd her heart, + Was hard as granite: + Who breaks a heart, and then omits + To gather up the broken bits + Is heartless, Janet. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + The French don't know what they want, and will + never be satisfied till they get it. + + WILLIAM HARNESS, _Life_. + + + She played the accordion divinely--accordionly I + praised her. + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + Should yours (kind heaven, avert the omen!) + Like the cravats of vulgar, low men, + Asunder start--and, yawning wide, + Disclose a chasm on either side; + Or should it stubbornly persist + To take some awkward tasteless twist, + Some crease, indelible, and look + Just like a dunce's dog-eared book, + How would you parry the disgrace? + In what assembly show your face? + How brook your rival's scornful glance, + Or partners' titter in the dance? + How in the morning dare to meet + The quizzers of the park and street? + Your occupation's gone; in vain + Hope to dine out, or flirt again. + The ladies from their lists would put you, + And even _I_, my friend, must cut you! + + H. LUTTRELL, _Letters to Julia_. + + + A man can never manage a woman. Till a woman + marries, a prudent man leaves her to women; + when she does marry, she manages her husband, + and there's an end of it. + + _Kenelm Chillingly_, in LORD LYTTON's novel. + + + _HOMAGE TO THE SCOTCH RIFLES, BY A SPITEFUL + COMPETITOR._ + + It seems that the Scots + Turn out much better shots + At long distance, than most of the Englishmen are: + But this we all knew + That a Scotchman could do-- + Make a small piece of metal go awfully far. + + SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. + + + Some one peevishly complaining, "You take the + words out of my mouth," Donaldson replied, + "You are very hard to please; would you have + liked it better if I had made you swallow them?" + + CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. + + + I am lying, we'll say, in the nook I love, + Screened from the sunlight's scorching glow, + Watching the big clouds up above, + And blowing a lazy cloud below; + + Blowing a cloud from my meerschaum black, + And thinking or not as I feel inclined, + With a light alpaca coat on my back, + And nothing particular on my mind. + + _Once a Week._ + + + There was a Presbyterian minister who married a + couple of his rustic parishioners, and had felt + exceedingly disconcerted, on his asking the + bridegroom if he were willing to take the woman for his + wedded wife, by his scratching his head and saying, + "Ay, I'm wullin'; but I'd rather hae her sister." + + J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. + + + The prospect's always fine in the Prospectus! + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. + + + Animals are such agreeable friends--they ask no + questions, they pass no criticisms. + + GEORGE ELIOT, _Mr. Gilfil's Love Story_. + + + There is a _tact_, + Which keeps, when pushed by questions rather rough, + A lady always distant from the fact: + The charming creatures lie with such a grace, + There's nothing so becoming to the face. + + LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. + + + Walked Corry over to Bowood. In looking at + the cascade, he mentioned what Plunket said, + when some one, praising his waterfall, exclaimed, + "Why, it's quite a cataract." "Oh, that's all + my eye," said Plunket. + + THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. + + + These panting damsels, dancing for their lives, + Are only maidens waltzing into wives. + + + ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. + + + Another friend assured me it was policy to + "feed a cold and starve a fever." I had both. + So I thought it best to feed myself up for the + cold, and then keep dark and let the fever starve awhile. + In a case of this kind, I seldom do things by halves. + I ate pretty heartily. I conferred my custom upon a + stranger who had just opened his restaurant that morning. + He waited near me in respectful silence, until I had + finished feeding my cold, when he inquired if the people + about Virginia were much afflicted with colds? I told + him I thought they were. He then went out and took in + his sign. + + MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. + + + A fine lady is like a cat; when young, the most + gamesome and lively of all creatures--when old, + the most melancholy. + + ALEXANDER POPE, in LOCKER's _Patchwork_. + + + 'Tis the voice of the lobster; I heard him declare + "You have baked me quite brown, I must sugar my hair." + As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his nose + Trims his belt and his buttons, and turns out his toes. + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. + + + Poor relations are undeniably irritating--their + existence is so entirely uncalled for on our part, + and they are almost always very faulty people. + + GEORGE ELIOT, _Mill on the Floss_. + + + There was an APE in the days that were earlier; + Centuries passed, and his hair became curlier: + Centuries more gave a thumb to his wrist-- + Then he was MAN, and a Positivist. + + + MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_. + + + It was observed he never gave an opinion on any + subject, and never told an anecdote. Indeed, + he would sometimes remark, when a man fell + into his anecdotage it was a sign for him to retire from + the world. + + LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Lothair_. + + + You cannot eat breakfast all day, + Nor is it the act of a sinner, + When breakfast is taken away, + To turn your attention to dinner; + And it's not in the range of belief, + That you could hold him as a glutton, + Who, when he is tired of beef, + Determines to tackle the mutton. + + _Defendant_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Trial by Jury_. + + + Had the Romans public dinners? Answer me + that. Imagine a Roman--whose theory at least + of a dinner was that it was a thing for enjoyment, + whereas we often look on it as a continuation of the + business of the day,--I say, imagine a Roman girding + himself up, literally girding himself up, to make an after + dinner speech. + + _Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_. + + + Folks will teach you when at school-- + "Never tell a lie!" + Nonsense: if you're not a fool + You may always break the rule, + But you must be sly; + For they'll whip you, past a doubt, + If they ever find you out. + + Folks say, "Children should not let + Angry passions rise." + Humbug! When you're in a pet + Why on earth should you regret + Blacking some one's eyes? + Children's eyes are made, in fact, + Just on purpose to be black'd. + + H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_. + + + It is not now "We have seen his star in the East," + but "We have seen the star on his breast, and + are come to worship him." + + SHENSTONE, _Essays_. + + + _A FAITHFUL PAGE._ + + Nearly one hundred years ago, my grandfather, + Captain William Locker, was at dinner, and a + servant-boy, lately engaged, was handing him a + tray of liqueurs, in different-sized glasses. Being in the + middle of an anecdote to his neighbour, he mechanically + held out his hand towards the tray, but, as people often + do when they are thinking of something else, he did not + take a glass. The boy thought he was hesitating which + liqueur he would have, and, like a good fellow, wishing + to help his master, he pointed to one particular glass, + and whispered, "That's the biggest, sir." + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. + + + All men are equal, the Frenchman says; + Most men will gladly receive + What a fervid fool, with a flattering phrase, + Tricks out for fools to believe; + But these men have less brains than a wren! + When a larch is a lily, + And Bessy like Billy + A beard shall achieve, + Then I will believe + That equality reigns among men! + + J. S. BLACKIE, _Musa Burschicosa_. + + + I'm not one o' those who can see the cat i' the + dairy, an' wonder what she's come after. + + _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. + + + I called him Selim, to express + The marked s(e)limness of his form. + + _Songs of Singularity._ + + + "Yes," he exclaimed, "as the sublime Tyndall tells + us, let us struggle to attain to a deeper knowledge + of matter, and a more faithful conformity + to its laws!" + + The professor would have proceeded, but the weather + had been rapidly growing rough, and he here became + violently sea-sick. + + "Let us," he exclaimed hurriedly, "conform to the + laws of matter and go below." + + W. H. MALLOCK, _The New Paul and Virginia_. + + + What can Tommy Onslow do? + He can drive a curricle and two. + Can Tommy Onslow do no more? + Yes, he can drive a phaeton and four. + + ANON., in GRONOW's _Recollections_. + + + Hicks and Thackeray, walking together, stopped + opposite a doorway, over which was inscribed in + gold letters these words: "Mutual Loan Office." + They both seemed equally puzzled. "What on earth can + that mean?" asked Hicks. "I don't know," answered + Thackeray, "unless it means, that two men, who have + nothing, agree to lend it to one another." + + J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. + + + A clod--a piece of orange-peel-- + An end of a cigar,-- + Once trod on by a princely heel, + How beautiful they are! + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. + + + In the onion is the hope of universal brotherhood. + Look at Italy. In the churches all are alike; + there is one faith, one smell. + + C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. + + + He was "free to confess" (whence comes this phrase? + Is't English? No--'tis only parliamentary). + + LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. + + + "Ah!" says my languid Oxford gentleman, "nothing + new, and nothing true, and no matter." + + R. W. EMERSON. + + + He dropt a tear on Susan's bier, + He seem'd a most despairing swain; + Yet bluer sky brought newer tie, + And would he wish her back again? + The moments fly, and when we die + Will Philly Thistletop complain? + She'll cry and sigh, and--dry her eye, + And let herself be woo'd again. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + One 'ud think, an hear some folks talk, as the + men war 'cute enough to count the corns in a + bag o' wheat wi' only smelling at it. They can + see through a barn door, they can. Perhaps that's the + reason they see so little o' this side on't. + + _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. + + + Thy flattering picture, Phryne, 's like to thee + Only in this--that you both painted be. + + JOHN DONNE. + + + Without black velvet breeches, what is man? + + JOHN BRAMSTON, _Man of Taste_. + + + _A KISS._ + + Rose kissed me to-day,-- + Will she kiss me to-morrow? + Let it be as it may, + Rose kissed me to-day. + But the pleasure gives way + To a savour of sorrow;-- + Rose kissed me to-day,-- + _Will_ she kiss me to-morrow? + + AUSTIN DOBSON, _Proverbs in Porcelain_. + + + Humility is a virtue all preach, none practise, + and yet everybody is content to hear. + + SELDEN, _Table Talk_. + + + Some say that the primitive tongue + Expressed but the simplest affections; + And swear that the words said or sung + Were nothing but mere interjections. + _Oh! Oh!_ was the signal of pain; + _Ha! Ha!_ was the symptom of laughter; + _Pooh! Pooh!_ was the sign of disdain, + And _Hillo!_ came following after. + + Some, taking a different view, + Maintain the old language was fitted + To mark out the objects we knew, + By mimicking sounds they emitted. + _Bow, wow_, was the name of a dog, + _Quack, quack_, was the word for a duckling, + _Hunc, hunc_, would designate a hog, + And _wee, wee_, a pig and a suckling. + + LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. + + + _A PRACTICAL MAN._--One whose judgment is + not distracted by the power of seeing far before + him. + + ANNE EVANS, _Poems and Music_. + + + For conversation well endued, + She thinks it witty to be rude, + And, placing raillery in railing, + Proclaims aloud your greatest failing. + + SWIFT, _A Woman's Mind_. + + + I have always been more or less mixed up with + Art. I have an uncle who takes photographs--and + I have a servant who takes anything he can + get his hands on. + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + If a man who turnips cries + Cry not when his father dies, + 'Tis a proof that he would rather + Have a turnip than a father. + + DR. JOHNSON. + + + The greatest happiness of the greatest number is + best secured by a prudent consideration for + Number One. + + _Kenelm Chillingly_, in LORD LYTTON's novel. + + + "You are old, Father William," the young man said, + "And your hair has become very white; + And yet you incessantly stand on your head-- + Do you think, at your age, it is right?" + + "In my youth," Father William replied to his son, + "I feared it might injure my brain; + But now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, + Why, I do it again and again." + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. + + + When the question arose how the title of Herold's + charming opera, "Le Pré aux Clercs," should be + rendered into English, [Beazley] quietly suggested + "Parson's Green." + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. + + + When I left the man in gaiters, + He was grumbling, o'er his gin, + At the charges of the hostess + Of that famous Flemish inn; + And he looked a very Briton + (So, methinks, I see him still) + As he pocketed the candle + That was mentioned in the bill! + + JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. + + + Morality--keeping up appearances in this world, + or becoming suddenly devout when we imagine + that we may be shortly summoned to appear in + the next. + + HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. + + + _ON PATRONS' PROMISES._ + + A minister's answer is always so kind! + I starve, and he tells me he'll keep me in mind. + Half his promise, God knows, would my spirits restore-- + Let him keep me, and, faith, I will ask for no more. + + LORD HOLLAND, in MOORE's _Diary_. + + + I know there's a stage of speculation in which a + man may doubt whether a pickpocket is blameworthy--but + I'm not one of your subtle fellows + who keep looking at the world through their own legs. + + _Felix Holt_, in GEORGE ELIOT's novel. + + + "A knock-me-down sermon, and worthy of Birch," + Says I to my wife, as we toddle from church. + "Convincing, indeed!" is the lady's remark; + "How logical, too, on the size of the Ark!" + Then Blossom cut in, without begging our pardons, + "Pa, was it as big as the 'Logical Gardens?" + + "Miss Blossom," says I, to my dearest of dearies, + "Papa disapproves of nonsensical queries; + The Ark was an Ark, and had people to build it, + Enough we are told Noah built it and fill'd it: + Mamma does not ask how he caught his opossums." + --Said she, "That remark is as foolish as Blossom's!" + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + Books are fatal: they are the curse of the human + race. Nine-tenths of existing books are nonsense, + and the clever books are the refutation of + that nonsense. The greatest misfortune that ever befell + man was the invention of printing. + + Phoebus, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Lothair_. + + + We can't assume, so Comte declares, a first or final cause, sir; + Phenomena are all we know, their order and their laws, sir; + While Hegel's modest formula, a single line to sum in, + Is "Nothing is, and nothing's not, but everything's becomin'." + + F. D., in _Pall Mall Gazette_. + + + If you wish particularly to gain the good graces and + affection of certain people, men or women, try + to discover their most striking merit, if they have + one, and their dominant weakness, for every one has his + own. Then do justice to the one, and a little more than + justice to the other. + + LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. + + + Tender ten may dote on toys, + While for twelve jam tarts have joys, + Feat fourteen's in love with boys-- + Not a few. + + J. ASHBY STERRY, _Boudoir Ballads_. + + + Juliet was a fool to kill herself. In three + months she'd have married again, and been glad + to be quit of Romeo. + + CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. + + + A cornet waltzes, but a colonel weds. + + ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. + + + In the days when Pam retained the wheel, + We knew the men with whom we had to deal; + Then sucking statesmen seldom failed in seeing + The final cause and import of their being. + They dressed; they drove a drag; nor sought to shirk + Their portion of the matrimonial work. + They flocked to rout and drum by tens and twelves; + Danced every dance, and left their cards themselves, + While some obliging senatorial fag + Slipped their petitions in the Speaker's bag. + + _Lady Matilda_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Ladies in Parliament_. + + + Monk Lewis was a great favourite at Oatlands. + One day after dinner, as the duchess was leaving + the room, she whispered something in Lewis's + ear. He was much affected, his eyes filling with tears. + We asked him what was the matter. "Oh," replied + Lewis, "the duchess spoke so _very_ kindly to me!" + "My dear fellow," said Colonel Armstrong, "pray don't + cry; I dare say she didn't mean it." + + ROGERS, _Table Talk_. + + + Sweet is revenge--especially to women. + + LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. + + + A plain leg of mutton, my Lucy, + I prithee get ready at three; + Have it smoking and tender and juicy, + And what better meat can there be? + + And when it has feasted the master, + 'Twill amply suffice for the maid; + Meanwhile, I will smoke my canaster, + And tipple my ale in the shade. + + W. M. THACKERAY. + + + L'amour est comme les maladies épidémiques; + plus on les craint, plus on y est exposé. + + CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. + + + _MARRY_ (_AND_ DON'T) _COME UP_. + + A fellow that's single, a fine fellow's he; + But a fellow that's married's a _felo de se_. + + SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. + + + A brother actor, who had not exactly "taken + the house by storm" at his first appearance in + London, very stupidly asked Compton: "Was + my acting good?" "Well," was the reply, delivered + in his inimitable style, "hum! ha! _Good_ is not the + word!" + + H. HOWE, in _Memoir of Henry Compton_. + + + So when two dogs are fighting in the streets, + When a third dog one of the two dogs meets, + With angry tooth he bites him to the bone, + And this dog smarts for what that dog has done. + + FIELDING, _Tom Thumb_. + + + I recollect a humorous M.P. pointing out to + me a retired West Indian judge not very remarkable + for sagacity on the bench. There was a + ball at Government House, and the judge began to criticise + the dancing of a witty member of the Indian bar. + "Ah, my friend, you are a bad waltzer!" "Ah, but you + are a bad judge." + + MARK BOYD, _Reminiscences_. + + + _Mrs. Cripps_: Things are seldom what they seem: + Skim milk masquerades as cream; + Highlows pass as patent leathers; + Jackdaws strut in peacocks' feathers. + + _Captain_: Very true, + So they do. + + _Mrs. Cripps_: Black sheep dwell in every fold; + All that glitters is not gold; + Storks turn out to be but logs; + Bulls are but inflated frogs. + + _Captain_: So they be, + Frequentlee. + + W. S. GILBERT, _H.M.S. Pinafore_. + + + A friend meeting Sir George Rose one day in + Lincoln's Inn Fields, with his left eye greatly + swollen and inflamed, remonstrated with him, + adding that he was surprised Lady Rose should have let + him go out of doors in such a condition. "Ah," replied + Sir George, "I am out _jure mariti_" (my right eye). + + _Macmillan's Magazine._ + + + It is no comfort to the _short_ + To know you cannot love _at all_! + + ROBERT REECE, in _Comic Poets_. + + + "Edwin and Morcar, the Earls of Mercia and + Northumbria, declared for him; and even + Stigand, the patriotic Archbishop of Canterbury, + found it advisable----" + "Found _what?_" said the Duck. + "Found _it_," the Mouse replied, rather crossly; "of + course you know what 'it' means." + "I know what 'it' means well enough, when _I_ find a + thing," said the Duck; "it's generally a frog or a worm. + The question is, what did the archbishop find?" + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. + + + I've read in many a novel, that, unless they've + souls that grovel, + Folks _prefer_, in fact, a hovel + to your dreary marble halls. + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. + + + Marriage is a Bishop, choral service, Messrs. + Hancock, and Brussels lace. + + ANNA C. STEELE. + + + How beautifully blue the sky, + The glass is rising very high, + Continue fine I hope it may, + And yet it rained but yesterday; + To-morrow it may pour again + (I hear the country wants some rain); + Yet people say, I know not why, + That we shall have a warm July. + + W. S. GILBERT, _Pirates of Penzance_. + + + The Dowager-Duchess of Richmond went one Sunday + with her daughter to the Chapel Royal at + St. James's, but, being late, they could find no + places. After looking about some time, and seeing the + case was hopeless, she said to her daughter, "Come + away, Louisa; at any rate we have done the civil thing." + + R. R. HAYDON, _Diary_. + + + _ON NORTHERN LIGHTS._ + + To roar and bore of Northern wights + The tendency so frail is, + That men do call those Northern Lights + Au-ror-a Bor-ealis. + + JEKYLL, in MISS MITFORD's _Letters_. + + + I'm forced to wink a good deal, for fear of seeing + too much, for a neighbourly man must let himself + be cheated a little. + + _Parson Lingon_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Felix Holt_. + + + _Dulce_ it is, and _decorum_, no doubt, for the country to fall,--to + Offer one's blood an oblation to Freedom, and die for the Cause; yet + Still, individual culture is also something, and no man + Finds quite distinct the assurance that he of all others is called on, + Or would be justified even, in taking away from the world that + Precious creature himself. + + _Claude_, in CLOUGH's _Amours de Voyage_. + + + Notre repentir n'est pas tant un regret du mal + que nous avons fait, qu'une crainte de celui qui + nous en peut arriver. + + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. + + + _ON AN INANIMATE ACTRESS._ + + Thou hast a score of parts not good, + But two divinely shown: + Thy Daphne a true piece of wood, + Thy Niobe a stone. + + PALLADAS, trans. by R. GARNETT. + + + We as often repent the good we have done as the + ill. + + W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. + + + The speech of Old England for me; + It serves us on every occasion; + Henceforth, like our soil, let it be + Exempted from foreign invasion. + It answers for friendship and love, + For all sorts of feeling and thinking, + And lastly, all doubt to remove-- + It answers for singing and drinking. + + LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. + + + A compliment is usually accompanied with a + bow, as if to beg pardon for paying it. + + _Guesses at Truth._ + + + _THE TRAVELLER AND THE GORILLA._ + + The gifts by Nature boon supplied + This pair unequally divide: + The traveller's tale is far from small, + The monkey has no tail at all. + + R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_. + + + The more a man's worth, the worthier man he + must be. + + _Dudley Smooth_, in LORD LYTTON's _Money_. + + + Now to the banquet we press, + Now for the eggs and the ham! + Now for the mustard and cress, + Now for the strawberry jam! + Now for the tea of our host, + Now for the rollicking bun, + Now for the muffin and toast, + And now for the gay Sally Lunn! + + W. S. GILBERT, _The Sorcerer_. + + + It was in my schoolboy days that I failed as an + actor. The play was the "Ruins of Pompeii." + I played the Ruins. It was not a very successful + performance, but it was better than the "Burning Mountains." + He was not good. He was a bad Vesuvius. + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + He cannot be complete in aught + Who is not humorously prone,-- + A man without a merry thought + Can hardly have a funny bone. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + An actor named Priest was playing at one of the + principal theatres. Some one remarked at the + Garrick Club that there were a great many more + in the pit--"Probably clerks who have taken Priest's + orders." + + ABRAHAM HAYWARD, _Essays_. + + + And she? she marries money and a man. + + ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. + + + A lady of my acquaintance, a brunette, happened + to show her maid one of those little sticking-plaster + profiles which they used to call _silhouettes_. + It was the portrait of the lady's aunt, whom the girl had + never seen, and she said quite innocently, "La, ma'am, + I always thought as how you had some black relations, + you are so dark-like yourself, you know!" + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. + + + He pored upon the leaves, and on the flowers, + And heard a voice in all the winds; and then, + He thought of wood nymphs and immortal bowers, + And how the goddesses came down to men: + He miss'd the pathway, he forgot the hours, + And when he look'd upon his watch again, + He found how much old Time had been a winner-- + He also found that he had lost his dinner. + + LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. + + + Ward had been a Whig, and became ministerial. + "I wonder what could make me turn Whig + again," said Ward. "That I can tell you," said + [Lord] Byron. "They have only to _re-Ward_ you." + + CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. + + + _DISTICH._ + + As the meek beasts in the Garden came flocking for Adam to name them, + Men for a title to-day crawl to the feet of a king. + + JOHN HAY, _Poems_. + + + You cannot have everything, as the man said when + he was down with small-pox and cholera, and + the yellow fever came into the neighbourhood. + + C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. + + + Whene'er I take my walks abroad, + How many _rich_ I see! + There's A. and B. and C. and D. + All better off than me! + + R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. + + + At one period of his boyhood, Macaulay's fancy + was much exercised by the threats and terrors of + the law. He had a little plot of ground at the + back of the house, marked out as his own by a row of + oyster-shells, which a maid one day threw away as rubbish. + He went straight to the drawing-room, where his + mother was entertaining some visitors, walked into the + circle, and said very solemnly: "Cursed be Sally; for it + is written, 'Cursed is he that removeth his neighbour's + landmark.'" + + G. O. TREVELYAN, _Life of Macaulay_. + + + If care were not the waiter + Behind a fellow's chair, + When easy-going sinners + Sit down to Richmond dinners, + And life's swift stream flows straighter-- + By Jove, it would be rare, + If care were not the waiter + Behind a fellow's chair. + + If wit were always radiant, + And wine were always iced, + And bores were kicked out straightway + Through a convenient gateway; + Then down the years' long gradient + 'Twere sad to be enticed, + If wit were always radiant, + And wine were always iced. + + MORTIMER COLLINS, in _The Owl_. + + + Building a staircase for Sir Henry Meux, [Beazley] + called it making a new "Gradus ad Parnassum," + because it was steps for the _muses_. + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. + + + I cannot clear the five-bar gate, + But, trying first its timber's state, + Climb stiffly up, take breath, and wait + To trundle over. + + WALTER SAVAGE LANDOR. + + + La constance est la chimère de l'amour. + + VAUVENARGUES, _Réflexions_. + + + _ON AN INTEMPERATE HUSBAND._ + + Whence comes it that in Clara's face + The lily only has a place? + Is it because the absent rose + Has gone to paint her husband's nose? + + _A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727). + + + [Charles] Sheridan told me that his father, + being a good deal plagued by an old maiden + relation of his always going out to walk with + him, said one day that the weather was bad and rainy; + to which the old lady answered that, on the contrary, it + had cleared up. "Yes," said Sheridan, "it has cleared + enough for _one_, but not for _two_." + + THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. + + + To Urn, or not to Urn? that is the question: + Whether 'tis nobler for our frames to suffer + The shows and follies of outrageous custom, + Or to take fire--against a sea of zealots-- + And, by consuming, end them? To Urn--to keep-- + No more: and while we keep, to say we end + Contagion and the thousand graveyard ills + That flesh is heir to--'tis a consume-ation + Devoutly to be wished! + + WILLIAM SAWYER. + + + _ANSWER TO AN INQUIRY._ + + "_Young author._"--Yes, Agassiz _does_ recommend + authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus + in it makes brains. So far you are + correct. But I cannot help you to a decision about the + amount you need to eat--at least, not with certainty. If + the specimen composition you send is about your fair + usual average, I should judge that perhaps a couple of + whales would be all you would want for the present. + Not the largest kind, but simply good, middling-sized + whales. + + MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. + + + The firm of Baxter, Rose, and Norton, + Deny the plaintiffs Arthur Orton; + But can't deny, what's more important, + That he has done what Arthur oughtn't. + + ANON. + + + Hume and his wife and several of their children + were with me. Hume repeated the old saying, + "One fool makes many." "Ay, Mr. Hume," + said I, pointing to the company, "you have a fine + family." + + CHARLES LAMB, _apud_ CRABB ROBINSON. + + + Plus on juge, moins on aime. + + BALZAC, _Physiologie du Mariage_. + + + George the Third scolded Lord North for + never going to the concert of antient music: + "Your brother, the bishop," said the king, + "never misses them, my lord." "Sir," answered the + premier, "if I were as deaf as my brother, the bishop, I + would never miss them either!" + + R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. + + + _ON A MODERN ACTRESS._ + + "Miss Neilson's 'benefit'," one says; + I ask to what the phrase refers; + For, sure, when such an artist plays, + The "benefit" is ours, not hers. + + W. D. A. + + + Our king [William IV.] is _ultra_-popular. Have + you heard Lord Alvanley's _bon mot_ concerning + him? He was standing at the window at White's, + when the king, with a thousand of his loving subjects at + his heels, was walking up St. James's Street. A friend + said to him, "What are you staring at, Alvanley?" "I + am waiting to see his Majesty's pocket picked," was the + reply. + + MISS MITFORD, _Life and Letters_. + + + Methinks the lays of now-a-days + Are painfully in earnest. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + Hicks was talking to Thackeray of a certain + gentleman's strange addiction to beer. "It's a + great pity," said Hicks, "that he does not keep a + check-rein on himself, for he is a marvellous fellow otherwise--I + mean, for talent I hardly know his equal." + "No," retorted Thackeray, "he is a remarkable man. + Take him for half-and-half, we ne'er shall look upon his + like again." + + J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. + + + Pro conibus calidis, conibus frigidis, + Pro conibus mollibus, conibus rigidis, + Pro conibus senibus + Atque juvenibus, + Gratias agimus fatis, + Habuimus satis. + + ANON. + + + One of the "Hooks and Eyes" was expatiating on + the fact that he had dined three times at the + Duke of Devonshire's, and that on neither occasion + had there been any fish at table. "I cannot account + for it," he added. "I can," said Jerrold: "they ate it all + upstairs." + + CHARLES MACKAY, _Recollections_. + + + Veracity is a plant of paradise, and its seeds + have never flourished beyond the walls. + + _Machiavelli_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Romola_. + + + I know not why my soul is rack'd: + Why I ne'er smile as was my wont: + I only know that, as a fact, + I don't. + + I used to roam o'er glen and glade, + Buoyant and blithe as other folk: + And not unfrequently I made + A joke. + + All day I sang; of love, of fame, + Of fights our fathers fought of yore, + Until the thing almost became + A bore. + + I cannot sing the old songs now + It is not that I deem them low; + 'Tis that I can't remember how + They go. + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. + + + During [a] drive, Lord William L----, a man + of fashion, but, like other of the great men of + the day, an issuer of paper money discounted at + high rates by the usurers, was thrown off his horse. + Mr. and Mrs. King immediately quitted the carriage, and + placed the noble lord within. On this circumstance + being mentioned in the clubs, Brummell observed it was + only "a Bill _Jewly_ (duly) taken up and honoured." + + GRONOW, _Recollections_. + + + She made the cleverest people quite ashamed, + And even the good with inward envy groaned, + Finding themselves so very much exceeded + In their own way by all the things that she did. + + LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. + + + On the elevation of some childless person to the + peerage, [Lady Charlotte Lindsay] remarked + that he was "of the new Order, which seemed + the popular one, not of the Barons, but the Barrens." + + LORD HOUGHTON, _Monographs_. + + + Oft when petty annoyances ruffle the soul, + And the temper defies philosophic control, + The emotion is quelled, and a calm will succeed, + Through the simple device of inhaling the Weed: + Such magical power has the soothing Canaster + To bring balmy content and good humour to Gaster. + + LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. + + + Morgan John O'Connell had the ready + wit of his country in a remarkable degree. We + were walking by the Wey one day, when an + Oxford graduate, who had a taste for botany, plucked a + flower (_Balsamum impatiens_) from the river, remarking + that it was a very rare plant. "It is an out-of-the-_Wey_ + one, at any rate," was the instantaneous reply. + + W. H. HARRISON, _University Magazine_. + + + Oh! 'tis the most tremendous bore + Of all the bores I know, + To have a friend who's lost his heart + A short time ago. + + _Bon Gaultier Ballads._ + + + I never on any account allow my business to + interfere with my drinking. + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + _NURSERY RHYME._ + + What is an Englishman made of? + Roast beef and jam tart, + And a pint of good Clar't, + And that's what an Englishman's made of. + + What is a Frenchman, pray, made of? + Horse steak, and frog fritter, + And absinthe so bitter, + And that's what a Frenchman is made of. + + SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. + + + Marriage is a desperate thing. The frogs in + Æsop were extreme wise; they had a great mind + to some water, but they would not leap into the + well, because they could not get out again. + + SELDEN, _Table Talk_. + + + ("Don't speak so hard of ----; he lives on your + good graces.") That accounts for his being + so thin. + + LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. + + + We are wise--and we make ourselves hazy; + We are foolish--and so, go to church; + While Sambo but laughs, and is lazy + (Vile discipline! lend me thy birch); + He dreams of no life save the present, + His virtue is but when it suits; + Sometimes, which is not quite so pleasant, + I miss coat or boots. + + _Once a Week._ + + + You remember Thurlow's answer to some one complaining + of the injustice of a company, "Why, + you never expected justice from a company, did + you? They have neither a soul to save, nor a body to + kick." + + SYDNEY SMITH, _Life and Letters_. + + + Elliston, the actor, a self-educated man, was + playing cribbage one evening, with Lamb, and + on drawing out his first card, exclaimed, "When + Greek meets Greek, then comes the tug of war." "Yes," + replied Lamb, "and when _you_ meet Greek, you don't + understand it." + + _Life of Rev. W Harness._ + + + To Justice Park's brother, who was a great church-goer, + some one applied the words, "_Parcus_ + deorum cultor." + + THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. + + + "You'll soon get used to her looks," said he, + "And a very nice girl you'll find her; + She may very well pass for forty-three, + In the dusk, with a light behind her!" + + _Judge_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Trial by Jury_. + + + "My brethren," said Swift in a sermon, "there are + three sorts of pride--of birth, of riches, and of + talents. I shall not now speak of the latter, + none of you being liable to that abominable vice." + + HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. + + + No doubt this patience, when the world is damning us, + Is philosophic in our former friends; + It is also pleasant to be deem'd magnanimous, + The more so in obtaining our own ends. + Revenge in person's certainly no virtue, + But then 'tis not _my_ fault if _others_ hurt you. + + LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. + + + He was not an intellectual Croesus, but his pockets + were full of sixpences. + + LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Lothair_. + + + It's after a dinner at Freemason's Hall + That the orator's talent shines brightest of all; + When his eye becomes glazed, and his voice becomes thick, + And he's had so much hock he can only say _hic_. + So the company leave him to slumber and snore + Till he's put in a hat and conveyed to the door; + And he finds, upon reaching his home in a cab, + That his wife rather shines in the gift of the gab. + + H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_. + + + One of our countrymen having been introduced by + M. de la Rochefoucauld to Mademoiselle Bigottini, + the beautiful and graceful dancer, in the + course of conversation with this gentleman, asked him in + what part of the theatre he was placed; upon which he + replied, "Mademoiselle, _dans un loge róti_," instead of + "_grillé_." The lady could not understand what he meant, + until his introducer explained the mistake, observing, + "_Ces diables d'Anglais pensent toujours à leur Rosbif_." + + GRONOW, _Recollections_. + + + The sea was wet as wet could be, + The sands were dry as dry, + You could not see a cloud, because + No cloud was in the sky: + No birds were flying overhead-- + There were no birds to fly. + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Through the Looking-Glass_. + + + A man of business should always have his eyes + open, but must often seem to have them shut. + + LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Maxims_. + + + Next morning twelve citizens came + ('Twas the coroner bade them attend) + To the end that it might be determined + How the man had determined his end! + + JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. + + + I remember on one occasion acting in "Venice + Preserved." A long and rather drowsy dying + speech of my poor friend Jaffier was "dragging + its slow length along," when one of the gallery, in a tone + of great impatience, called out very loudly, "Ah now, die + at once;" to which another from the other side immediately + replied, "Be quiet, you blackguard," then, turning + with a patronizing tone to the lingering Jaffier, "Take + your time!" + + W. C. MACREADY, _Diary_. + + + The days they grow shorter and shorter, + The town's worse than ever for smoke, + Invention, Necessity's daughter! + How long must we blacken and choke? + Much longer we ne'er can endure it, + The smother each resident damns; + Unless something's done to cure it, + 'Twill cure _us_ like so many hams. + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. + + + A kind Providence furnishes the limpest personality + with a little gum or starch in the form of + tradition. + + GEORGE ELIOT, _Middlemarch_. + + + Oil and water--woman and a secret-- + Are hostile properties. + + _Baradas_, in LORD LYTTON's _Richelieu_. + + + At a musical _soirée_ in Paris, a lady, possessing a + magnificent soprano voice and remarkable facility + of execution, sang the great Maestro's well-known + aria, "Una Voce," with great effect, but overladen + with fiorituri of the most elaborate description. Rossini, + at its conclusion, advanced to the piano and complimented + the lady most highly upon her vocal powers, terminating + his encomiums with the cruel inquiry: "Mais + de qui est la musique?" + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. + + + _ON A BAD SINGER._ + + Swans sing before they die; 'twere no bad thing + Did certain persons die before they sing. + + S. T. COLERIDGE. + + + "Is life worth living?" That depends upon the + liver. + + _The World._ + + + _OLD LOVES._ + + "Then, you liked little Bowes."-- + "And you liked Jane Raby!" + "But you like _me_ now, Rose?"-- + "As I liked 'little Bowes'!" + "Am I then to suppose----" + "_Hush!--you mustn't wake baby!_" + "_Did_ you like little Bowes?"-- + "If you liked Jane Raby!" + + AUSTIN DOBSON, _Proverbs in Porcelain_. + + + Women, when left to themselves, talk chiefly about + their dress; they think more about their lovers + than they talk about them. + + W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. + + + O if billows and pillows, and bowers and flowers, + And all the brave rhymes of an elder day, + Could be furled together, this genial weather, + And carted, or carried on "wafts" away, + Nor ever again trotted out--ah me! + How much fewer volumes of verse there'd be! + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. + + + _Miss Prue._ Must I tell a lie, then? + _Tattle._ Yes, if you'd be well-bred. All well-bred + persons lie. + + CONGREVE, _Love for Love_. + + + Some attacks on the lungs, that of woe would be full, + Are repelled by a filter of loose Cotton Wool; + But a barrier of brass, or a _chevaux-de-frise_, + Won't exclude some descriptions of Dust and Disease. + + LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. + + + When an acquaintance came up to him and said, + "Why, Jerrold, I hear you said my nose was like + the ace of clubs!" Jerrold returned, "No, I + didn't; but now I look at it, I see it is very like." + + MRS. COWDEN CLARKE. + + + _WUS, EVER WUS._ + + Wus, ever wus! By freak of Puck's + My most exciting hopes are dashed; + I never wore my spotless ducks + But madly--wildly!--they were splashed. + + I never roved by Cynthia's beam, + To gaze upon the starry sky, + But some old stiff-backed beetle came, + And charged into my pensive eye. + + And oh! I never did the swell + In Regent Street, amongst the beaus, + But smuts the most prodigious fell, + And always settled on my nose! + + H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Puck on Pegasus_. + + + L'hymen vient après l'amour, comme la fumée + après la flamme. + + CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. + + + It may be so--perhaps thou hast + A warm and loving heart; + I will not blame thee for thy face, + Poor devil as thou art. + That thing thou fondly deem'st a nose, + Unsightly though it be-- + In spite of all the cold world's scorn, + It may be much to thee. + + Those eyes--among thine elder friends + Perhaps they pass for blue; + No matter--if a man can see, + What more have eyes to do? + Thy mouth--that fissure in thy face, + By something like a chin, + May be a very useful place + To put thy victuals in. + + OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. + + + Nothing shows one who his friends are, like + prosperity and ripe fruit. I had a good friend + in the country whom I almost never visited + except in cherry time. By your fruits you shall know + them. + + C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. + + + _AN EPITAPH._ + + A lovely young lady I mourn in my rhymes: + She was pleasant, good-natured, and civil sometimes. + Her figure was good: she had very fine eyes, + And her talk was a mixture of foolish and wise. + Her adorers were many, and one of them said, + "She waltzed rather well! It's a pity she's dead!" + + G. J. CAYLEY, in _Comic Poets_. + + + Anybody amuses me for once. A new acquaintance + is like a new book. I prefer it, even if + bad, to a classic. + + _Lady Montfort_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Endymion_. + + + Now I hold it is not decent for a scientific gent + To say another is an ass,--at least, to all intent; + Nor should the individual who happens to be meant + Reply by heaving rocks at him to any great extent. + + BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. + + + Story of Edward Walpole, who, being told, one + day at the "Garrick," that the confectioners had + a way of discharging the ink from old parchment + by a chemical process, and then making the parchment + into isinglass for their jellies, said, "Then I find a man + may now eat his deeds as well as his words." + + R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. + + + What is the spell that 'twixt a saint and sinner + The diff'rence makes?--a sermon? Bah! a dinner. + + ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. + + + "I vent to the club this mornin', sir. There + vorn't no letters, sir." "Very good, Topping." + "How's missus, sir?" "Pretty well, Topping." + "Glad to hear it, sir. _My_ missus ain't very well, + sir." "No!" "No, sir, she's agoin', sir, to have a hincrease + werry soon, and it makes her nervous, sir; and + ven a young voman gets down at sich a time, sir, she + goes down werry deep, sir." To this sentiment I reply + affirmatively, and then he adds, as he stirs the fire (as if + he were thinking out loud), "Wot a mystery it is! Wot + a go is natur'!" + + CHARLES DICKENS, _apud_ J. T. FIELDS. + + + The most forlorn--what worms we are!-- + Would wish to finish this cigar + Before departing. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + Mrs. Cadwallader says it is nonsense, people + going a long journey when they are married. + She says they get tired to death of each other, + and can't quarrel comfortably, as they would at home. + + _Celia Brooke_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Middlemarch_. + + + Some think that man from a monkey grew + By steps of long generation, + When, after many blunders, a few + Good hits were made in creation; + But I can't comprehend this at all; + Of blind groping forces + Though Darwin discourses, + I rather incline + To believe in design + With Plato, and Peter, and Paul. + + J. S. BLACKIE, _Musa Burschicosa_. + + + In a trial, where a German and his wife were giving + evidence, the former was asked by the counsel, + "How old are you?" "I am _dirty_." "And + what is your wife?" "Mine wife is _dirty-two_." "Then, + sir, you are a very nasty couple, and I wish to have + nothing further to say to either of you." + + HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. + + + He'd better be apt with his pen + Than well-dressed, and well-booted and gloved, + Who likes to be liked by the men, + By the women who loves to be loved: + And Fashion full often has paid + Her good word in return for a gay word, + For a song in the manner of Praed, + Or an anecdote worthy of Hayward. + + G. O. TREVELYAN, _Ladies in Parliament_. + + + Oh, my Maria! Alas! she married another. They + frequently do. I hope she is happy--because I + am. + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + Rise up, cold reverend, to a see; + Confound the unbeliever! + Yet ne'er 'neath thee my seat shall be + For ever and for ever. + + Preach, softly preach, in lawn and be + A comely, model liver, + But ne'er 'neath thee my seat shall be + For ever and for ever. + + And here shall sleep thy Alderman, + And here thy pauper shiver, + And here by thee shall buzz the "she," + For ever and for ever. + + A thousand men shall sneer at thee, + A thousand women quiver, + But ne'er 'neath thee my seat shall be + For ever and for ever. + + _The Shotover Papers._ + + + For people to live happily together, the real secret + is, that they should not live too much together. + + _Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_. + + + Lord Ellenborough's saying to a witness; + "Why, you are an industrious fellow; you must + have taken pains with yourself; no man was + ever _naturally_ so stupid." + + THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. + + + If you've a thousand a year or a minute; + If you're a D'Orsay, whom every one follows; + If you've a head (it don't matter what's in it) + Fair as Apollo's; + If you approve of flirtations, good dinners, + Seascapes divine which the merry winds whiten, + Nice little saints and still nicer young sinners,-- + Winter in Brighton! + + MORTIMER COLLINS. + + + He [Bagehot] used to say, banteringly, to his mother, + by way of putting her off at a time when she was + anxious for him to marry, "A man's mother is + his misfortune, but his wife is his fault!" + + R. H. HUTTON, _Memoir of W. Bagehot_. + + + _A LADY ON THE PRINCESSE DRESS._ + + My dress, you'll aver, is Economy's own, + Designed with most exquisite taste; + From zone unto hem, and from tucker to zone, + You can't find a vestige of _waist_! + + J. ASHBY STERRY, in _English Epigrams_. + + + Lord Palmerston, during his last attack of + gout, exclaimed, playfully, "_Die_, my dear + doctor! That's the _last_ thing I think of doing." + + J. C. JEAFFRESON, _About Lawyers_. + + + _ON POVERTY._ + + He who in his pocket has no money + Should, in his mouth, be never without honey. + + _Epigrams in Distich._ + + + Tavern--a house kept for those who are not + housekeepers. + + HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. + + + When the breakfast is spread, + When the topers are mellow, + When the foam of the bride-cake is white, and + the fierce orange-blossoms are yellow. + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Phantasmagoria_. + + + On [one] occasion, at a concert, a very indifferent + tenor, who sang repeatedly out of tune, was indiscreet + enough to express his regret to Rossini + that he should have heard him for the first time in that + room, as, he complained, "Le plafond est si sourd." + Rossini raised his eyes to the abused ceiling, and simply + ejaculated, "Heureux plafond!" + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. + + + If, sick of home and luxuries, + You want a new sensation, + And sigh for the unwonted ease + Of _un_accommodation,-- + If you would taste, as amateur, + And vagabond beginner, + The painful pleasures of the poor-- + Get up a picnic dinner. + + HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. + + + A country rector, coming up to preach at + Oxford in his turn, complained to Dr. Routh, + the venerable Principal of Maudlin, that the + remuneration was very inadequate, considering the + travelling expenses and the labour necessary for the + composition of the discourse. "How much did they + give you?" inquired Dr. Routh. "Only five pounds," + was the reply. "Only five pounds?" repeated the + doctor; "why, I would not have preached that sermon + for fifty!" + + _Life of Rev. W. Harness._ + + + Dey vented to de Voman's Righds, + Vere laties all agrees, + De gals should pe de voters, + And deir beaux all de votées. + "For efery man dat nefer vorks, + Von frau should vranchised pe: + Dat ish de vay I solf dis ding," + Said Breitmann, said he. + + C. G. LELAND, _Breitmann Ballads_. + + + There is nothing more universally commended + than a fine day; the reason is, that people can + commend it without envy. + + SHENSTONE, _Essays_. + + + Let the singing singers, + With vocal voices, most vociferous, + In sweet vociferation out-vociferize + Even sound itself. + + _Chrononhotonthologos_, in CAREY's farce. + + + Giving advice is, many times, only the privilege + of saying a foolish thing one's self, under pretence + of hindering another from doing one. + + POPE, _Thoughts on Various Subjects_. + + + Of pay or play may preach this knot-- + Of death or duns or love's devotion-- + I tied it yesterday, but what + It means, I've not the faintest notion. + + H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Pegasus Resaddled_. + + + _René._ Qu'est ce que c'est donc que les affaires, + Monsieur Giraud? + _Giraud._ Les affaires? c'est bien simple; c'est + l'argent des autres. + + DUMAS fils, _La Question d'Argent_. + + + Tous les méchants sont buveurs d'eau. + + COMTE DE SÉGUR. + + + Miss Pellingle commences "Rousseau's + Dream," with variations. Beautiful melody, by + itself first, clear and distinct. + + Now the air tries to break out between alternate notes, + like a prisoner behind bars. Then we have a variation + entirely bass. + + _Happy thought._--Rousseau snoring. + + Then a scampering up, a meeting with the right + hand, a scampering down, and a leap off one note into + space. Then both in the middle, wobbling; then down + into the bass again. + + _Happy thought._--Rousseau after a heavy supper. + + A plaintive variation.--Rousseau in pain. + + Light strain: Mazurka time.--Rousseau kicking in his + sleep. + + F. C. BURNAND, _Happy Thoughts_. + + + Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year, + Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear, + When Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs, + Impatiently begins to "dim her eyes!" + Compelled at last, in life's uncertain gloamings, + To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well-saved "combings," + Reduced with rouge, lip-salve, and pearly gray, + To "make up" for lost time, as best she may! + + _Lady Jane_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Patience_. + + + No coinage in circulation so fluctuates in value as + the worth of a marriageable man. + + LORD LYTTON, _What will he do with it?_ + + + _ANATHEMA IN EXCELSIS._ + + Creed of St. Anathasius? No, indeed. + Call it, good priests, the Anathemasian Creed. + + SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. + + + Mistrust all those who love you extremely upon + a very slight acquaintance, and without any + visible reason. + + LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Maxims_. + + + _BENEVOLENT NEUTRALITY._ + + When man and wife at odds fall out, + Let Syntax be your tutor; + 'Twixt masculine and feminine, + What should one be but neuter? + + ANON. + + + MY friend the late Sam Phillips one day met Douglas + Jerrold, and told him he had seen, the day before, + Payne Collier looking wonderfully gay and + well--quite an evergreen. "Ah," said Jerrold, "he may + be evergreen, but he's never _read_." On my repeating + this to Hicks, he smiled and said, "Now that's what I + call 'ready wit.'" + + J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. + + + One day, when conversing with [a] friend, something + was said on the subject of religious persecution, + on which [Whately] remarked, "It is no wonder + that some English people have a taste for persecuting on + account of religion, since it is the first lesson that most + are taught in their nurseries." His friend expressed his + incredulity, and denied that _he_, at least, had been taught + it. "Are you sure?" replied Dr. Whately. "What + think you of this-- + 'Old Daddy Longlegs _won't say his prayers_, + Take him by the left leg, and throw him downstairs'? + + If that is not religious persecution, what is?" + + E. J. WHATELY, _Life of Whately_. + + + _ON A PUBLIC-HOUSE._ + + Of this establishment how can we speak? + Its cheese is mity, and its ale is weak. + + ANON. + + + At a fête at Hatfield House, _tableaux vivants_ were + among the chief amusements, and scenes from + _Ivanhoe_ were among the selections. All the + parts were filled up but that of _Isaac of York_. Lady + Salisbury begged Lord Alvanley "to make the set complete, + by doing the Jew." "Anything in my power your + ladyship may demand," replied Alvanley; "but though + no man in England has tried oftener, I never could _do a + Jew_ in my life." + + R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. + + + There's nothing we read of in torture's inventions, + Like a well-meaning dunce with the best of intentions. + + J. R. LOWELL, _A Fable for Critics_. + + + _THE POPE._ + + Miss D., on her return to the Highlands of Scotland, + from Rome, went to see an auld Scottish + wife, and said, to interest the old woman, "I + have been to Rome since I saw you--I have seen all + sorts of great people--I have seen the Pope." The sympathetic + old dame replied with animation, "The Pope of + Rome!--Honest marn!--haze he ony family?" + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. + + + Nay, tempt me not, Arab, again to stay; + Since I crave neither _Echo_ nor _Fun_ to-day, + For thy _hand_ is not Echoless--there they are, + _Fun_, _Glowworm_, and _Echo_, and _Evening Star_: + And thou hintest withal that thou fain wouldst shine, + As I con them, these bulgy old boots of mine. + But I shrink from thee, Arab! Thou eat'st eel-pie, + Thou evermore hast at least one black eye; + There is brass on thy brow, and thy swarthy hues + Are due not to nature but handling shoes; + And the bit in thy mouth, I regret to see, + Is a bit of tobacco-pipe--Flee, child, flee! + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. + + + The bulk of men in our days are just as immoral as + they were in Charles the Second's; the only + difference is that they are incomparably more + stupid, and that instead of decking their immorality with + the jewels of wit, they clumsily try to cover it with the + tarpaulin of respectability. + + _Mr. Luke_, in MALLOCK's _New Republic_. + + + _WHY WIVES MAKE NO WILLS._ + + Men dying make their wills, why cannot wives? + Because wives have their wills during their lives. + + R. HUGMAN (_circa_ 1628). + + + What the mischief do you suppose you want with a + post-office at Baldwin's Ranch? It would not + do you any good. If any letters came there, + you couldn't read them, you know; and besides, such + letters as ought to pass through, with money in them, for + other localities, would not be likely to _get_ through, you + must perceive at once; and that would make trouble for + us all. No; don't bother about a post-office at your + camp. What you want is a nice jail, you know--a nice, + substantial jail, and a free school. These will be a + lasting benefit to you. These will make you really contented + and happy. + + MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. + + + Nous avons tous assez de force pour supporter les + maux d'autrui. + + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. + + + Rogers happened to ask Macaulay what he + thought of Miss Harriet Martineau's wonderful + cures by mesmerism. He said, with one of his + rare smiles, "Oh, it's all my eye, and Hetty Martineau!" + + LADY CHATTERTON, _Life_. + + + Tame is Virtue's school; + Paint, as more effective, + Villain, knave, and fool, + With always a Detective. + Hate for Love may sit; + Gloom will do for Gladness; + Banish Sense and Wit, + And dash in lots of Madness. + + Stir the broth about; + Keep the furnace glowing; + Soon we'll pour it out + In three bright volumes flowing. + Some may jeer and jibe: + _We_ know where the shop is, + Ready to subscribe + For a thousand copies! + + LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. + + + Th' young men noo-a-days, they're poor squashy + things--the' looke well anoof, but the' woon't + wear, the' woon't wear. + + _"Mester" Ford_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Mr. Gilfil_. + + + "Where are the boys of my youth?" I assure you + this is not a conundrum. Some are amongst + you here--some in America--some are in + gaol. + + Hence arises a most touching question: "Where are + the girls of my youth?" Some are married--some + would like to be. + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + Mark how the lorgnettes cautiously they raise + Lest points, no pose so thoughtless but displays, + A too quick curiosity should hide-- + For they who gaze must gazed-at be beside. + + ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. + + + I sent the book down to the Dean, from Saunders + and Otley's. Speaking of that firm, I don't know + whether I told you of young Sutton, Lord + Canterbury's son, calling there one day very angry, + because they had not sent him some books he had + ordered. He was, as usual, pretty warm, and so much + so that one of the partners could bear it no longer, and + told him as much. "I don't know who you are," was + the answer, "but I don't want to annoy you _personally_, + as you may not be the one in fault: it's your confounded + house that I blame. You may be Otley, or you may be + Saunders; if you are Saunders, d---- Otley; if you are + Otley, d---- Saunders. I mean nothing personal _to you_." + + R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. + + + Of all actions of a man's life, his marriage does + least concern other people, yet of all actions of + our life 'tis most meddled with by other people. + + SELDEN, _Table Talk_. + + + A grave and quiet man was he, + Who loved his book and rod,-- + So even ran his line of life + His neighbours thought it odd. + + He ne'er aspired to rank or wealth, + Nor cared about a name, + For though much famed for fish was he, + He never fished for fame! + + Let others bend their necks at sight + Of Fashion's gilded wheels, + He ne'er had learned the art to "bob" + For anything but eels! + + JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. + + + A little knowledge of the world is a very + dangerous thing, especially in literature. + + _Lord Montfort_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Endymion_. + + + Si les hommes ne se flattaient pas les uns les autres, + il n'y aurait guère de société. + + VAUVENARGUES, _Réflexions_. + + + The gravest aversion exists among bears + From rude forward persons who give themselves airs,-- + We know how some graceless young people were maul'd + For plaguing a Prophet, and calling him _bald_. + + Strange ursine devotion! their dancing-days ended, + Bears die to "remove" what, in life, they defended: + They succour'd the Prophet, and, since that affair, + The bald have a painful regard for the bear. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + Heaven knows what would become of our sociality + if we never visited people we speak ill of; we + should live, like Egyptian hermits, in crowded + solitude. + + GEORGE ELIOT, _Janet's Repentance_. + + + Methinks the older that one grows + Inclines us more to laugh than scold, though laughter + Leaves us so doubly serious shortly after. + + LORD BYRON, _Beppo_. + + + We ought never to contend for what we are not + likely to obtain. + + CARDINAL DE RETZ, _Memoirs_. + + + "I will never marry a woman who cannot carve," + said M----. "Why?" "Because she would + not be a help-meat for me." + + _Literary Gazette._ + + + Twinkle, twinkle, little bat! + How I wonder what you're at! + Up above the world you fly, + Like a tea-tray in the sky. + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. + + + We had for dinner, among other things, a ham which + was not well flavoured; and Mrs. Frederick + Mackenzie, who was annoyed about it, began + apologizing, and saying that Ellerton, the local grocer, + had sold it to her as something very excellent, and as a + genuine Westphalia. "Ah!" said Compton, "I cannot + determine precisely whether it is east or west, but it is a + _failure_ of some sort." + + R. B. CARTER, in _Memoir of H. Compton_. + + + One of the company asserting that he had seen a + pike caught, which weighed thirty-six pounds, + and was four feet in length,--"Had it been a + sole," said Harry [Sandford], "it would have surprised + me less, as Shakespeare tells us, 'All the _souls_ that are, + were _four feet_ (forfeit) once.'" + + R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. + + + There is safety in numbers, especially in odd + numbers. The Three Graces never married, + neither did the Nine Muses. + + _Kenelm Chillingly_, in LORD LYTTON's novel. + + + _DISTICH._ + + There are three species of creatures who when + they seem coming are going, + When they seem going they come: Diplomats, + women, and crabs. + + JOHN HAY, _Poems_. + + + If a man might know + The ill he must undergo, + And shun it so, + Then were it good to know. + But if he undergo it, + Though he know it, + What boots him know it? + He must undergo it. + + SIR JOHN SUCKLING. + + + Barry Cornwall told me that when he and + Charles Lamb were once making up a dinner-party + together, Charles asked him not to invite + a certain lugubrious friend of theirs. "Because," said + Lamb, "he would cast a damper even over a funeral." + + J. T. FIELDS, _Yesterdays with Authors_. + + + L'amour plaît plus que le mariage, par la + raison que les romans sont plus amusants que + l'histoire. + + CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. + + + The farmers daughter hath frank blue eyes; + (_Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese_) + She hears the rooks caw in the windy skies, + As she sits at her lattice and shells her peas. + + The farmer's daughter hath ripe red lips; + (_Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese_) + If you try to approach her, away she skips + Over tables and chairs with apparent ease. + + The farmer's daughter hath soft brown hair; + (_Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese_) + And I met with a ballad, I can't say where, + Which wholly consisted of lines like these. + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. + + + Macready told a story of George B----, the + actor, who, it seems, was not popular in the profession, + being considered a sort of time-server: + "There goes Georgius," said some one. "Not Georgium + Sidus?" replied Keeley. "Yes," added Power, "Georgium + _Any_-sidus." + + R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. + + + I'm weary, and sick, and disgusted + With Britain's mechanical din; + Where I'm much too well known to be trusted, + And plaguily pestered for tin; + Where love has two eyes for your banker, + And one chilly flame for yourself; + Where souls can afford to be franker, + But where they're well garnished with pelf. + + I'm sick of the whole race of poets, + Emasculate, misty, and fine; + They brew their small beer, and don't know its + Distinction from full-bodied wine. + I'm sick of the prosers, that house up + At drowsy St. Stephen's--ain't you? + I want some strong spirits to rouse up + A good resolution or two! + + _Bon Gaultier Ballads_. + + + "On one occasion," said Brummell, "I called to + inquire after a young lady who had sprained + her ankle. Lewis, on being asked how she + was, had said in the black's presence, 'The doctor has + seen her, put her legs straight, and the poor chicken is + doing well.' The servant, therefore, told me, with a very + mysterious and knowing look, 'Oh, sir, the doctor has + been here; she has laid eggs, and she and the chickens + are doing well.'" + + GRONOW, _Recollections_. + + + A Scottish clergyman had some years since + been cited before the Ecclesiastical Assembly + at Edinburgh, to answer to a charge brought + against him of great irreverence in religious matters, and + Sir Walter [Scott] was employed by him to arrange his + defence. The principal fact alleged against him was his + having asserted, in a letter which was produced, that "he + considered Pontius Pilate to be a very ill-used man, as + he had done more for Christianity than all the other _nine + Apostles_ put together." The fact was proved, and suspension + followed. + + R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. + + + _ON DIDACTICS IN POETRY._ + + Parnassus' peaks still catch the sun; + But why--O lyric brother!-- + Why build a Pulpit on the one, + A Platform on the other? + + AUSTIN DOBSON, in _Latter-Day Lyrics_. + + + My old fellow-traveller in Germany, himself an Irishman, + being on the box of an Irish mail-coach on + a very cold day, and observing the driver enveloping + his neck in the voluminous folds of an ample + "comforter," remarked, "You seem to be taking very + good care of yourself, my friend." "Och, to be shure I + am, sir," answered the driver; "what's all the world to a + man when his wife's a widdy?" + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. + + + ---- has nothing truly human about him; he can't + even yawn like a man. + + LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. + + + We are apt to be kinder to the brutes that love us + than to the women that love us. Is it because + the brutes are dumb? + + GEORGE ELIOT, _Adam Bede_. + + + A frontispiece of a new magazine, + With all the fashions which the last month wore, + Colour'd, and silver-paper leaved between + That and the title page, for fear the press + Should soil with parts of speech the parts of dress. + + LORD BYRON, _Beppo_. + + + "I wish to consult you upon a little project I + have formed," said a noodle to his friend. "I + have an idea in my head----" "Have you?" + interposed the friend, with a look of great surprise; + "then you shall have my opinion at once: _keep it there_!--it + may be some time before you get another." + + HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. + + + On aime mieux dire du mal de soi-même que de + n'en point parler. + + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. + + + And I said, "Why is this thus? What is the reason + of this thusness?" + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + _THEOLOGICAL HOROLOGY._ + + There's this to say about the Scotch, + So bother bannocks, braes, and birks, + They can't produce a decent watch, + For Calvinists despise good works. + + SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. + + + Dawson told a good story about the Irish landlord + counting out the change of a guinea. "12, + 13, 14" (a shot heard); "Bob, go and see who's + that that's killed; 15, 16, 17" (enter Bob). "It's Kelly, + sir." "Poor Captain Kelly, a very good customer of + mine; 18, 19, 20--there's your change, sir." + + THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. + + + Can this be Balbus, household word for all, + Whose earliest exploit was to build a wall: + Who, with a frankness that I'm sure must charm ye, + Declared it was all over with the army? + Can this be he who feasted, as 'twas said, + The town at forty sesterces a head? + But, while the thankless mob his bounty quaffed, + Historians add--that there were some who laughed. + + _Horace_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Horace at Athens_. + + + I should never like scolding any one else so + well; and that is a point to be thought of in a + husband. + + _Mary Garth_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Middlemarch_. + + + In Logic a woman may seldom excel; + But in Rhetoric always she bears off the bell. + Fair Portia will show woman's talent for law, + When in old Shylock's bond she could prove such a flaw. + She would blunder in physic no worse than the rest, + She could leave things to Nature as well as the best, + She could feel at your wrist, she could finger your fee; + Then why should a woman not get a degree? + + LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. + + + _Quam parvâ sapientiâ regitur mundus._ Say rather, + _quam magnâ stultitiâ_. + + CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. + + + The padded corsage and the well-matched hair, + Judicious jupon spreading out the spare, + Sleeves well designed soft plumpness to impart, + Leave vacant still the hollows of the heart. + + ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. + + + A Tailor is partly an alchemist, for he extracteth + his own apparel out of other men's clothes. + + SIR THOMAS OVERBURY, _Characters_. + + + I am quite ashamed to take people into my garden, + and have them notice the absence of onions. In + onion is strength; and a garden without it lacks + flavour. + + C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. + + + Torbay had incurred a good deal of expense + To make him a Scotchman in every sense + But this is a matter, you'll readily own, + That isn't a question of tailors alone. + + A Sassenach chief may be bonily built, + He may purchase a sporran, a bonnet, and kilt, + Stick a skean in his hose--wear an acre of stripes-- + But he cannot assume an affection for pipes. + + W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_. + + + When you have found the master-passion of a man, + remember never to trust him where that passion + is concerned. + + LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. + + + _ON ONE WHO SPOKE LITTLE._ + + "I hardly ever ope my lips," one cries: + "Simonides, what think you of my rule?" + "If you're a fool, I think you're very wise; + If you are wise, I think you are a fool." + + R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_. + + + Nous aimons mieux voir ceux à qui nous faisons + du bien que ceux qui nous en font. + + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. + + + _ALL SAINTS'_. + + In a church which is furnish'd with mullion and gable, + With altar and reredos, with gargoyle and groin, + The penitents' dresses are sealskin and sable, + The odour of sanctity's eau-de-Cologne. + But only could Lucifer, flying from Hades, + Gaze down on this crowd with its panniers and paints, + He would say, as he look'd at the lords and the ladies, + "Oh, where is All Sinners', if this is All Saints'?" + + EDMUND YATES. + + + If we are long absent from our friends, we forget + them; if we are constantly with them, we despise + them. + + W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. + + + A well-known _litterateur_, on seeing [Lady + Ruthven], after breakfast, feeding her pheasants + with crumbs and milk, exclaimed, "Ah! I see + your ladyship is preparing them _here_, for bread-sauce + _hereafter_." + + J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. + + + The second canto of the "Pleasures of Memory," + as published in the first edition, commenced + with the lines-- + "Sweet memory, wafted by thy gentle gale, + Oft up the tide of Time I turn my sail." + + [A] critic remarked on this passage that it suggested the + alliteration-- + "Oft up the tide of Time I turn my _tail_." + + ROGERS, _Table Talk_. + + + I like the man who makes a pun, + Or drops a deep remark; + I like philosophy or fun-- + A lecture or a lark; + But I despise the men who gloat + Inanely over anecdote. + + Ah me! I'd rather live alone + Upon a desert isle, + Without a voice except my own + To cheer me all the while, + Than dwell with men who learn by rote + Their paltry funds of anecdote. + + H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_. + + + No woman is too silly not to have a genius for + spite. + + ANNA C. STEELE. + + + That's what a man wants in a wife mostly; he + wants to make sure o' one fool as 'ull tell him + he's wise. + + _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. + + + The characters of great and small + Come ready-made, we can't bespeak one; + Their sides are many, too,--and all + (Except ourselves) have got a weak one. + Some sanguine people love for life, + Some love their hobby till it flings them.-- + How many love a pretty wife + For love of the _éclat_ she brings them! + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + Conscience, in most souls, is like an English + Sovereign--it reigns, but it does not govern. + Its function is merely to give a formal assent to + the Bills passed by the passions; and it knows, if it + opposes what those are really bent upon, that ten to one + it will be obliged to abdicate. + + _Leslie_, in MALLOCK's _New Republic_. + + + If you are pious (mild form of insanity), + Bow down and worship the mass of humanity. + Other religions are buried in mists; + We're our own Gods, say the Positivists. + + MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_. + + + We were sitting in the green-room one evening + during the performance, chatting and laughing, + she [Mrs. Nesbitt] having a book in her hand + which she had to take on the stage with her in the next + scene, when Brindal, a useful member of the company, + but not particularly remarkable for wit or humour, came + to the door, and, leaning against it, in a sentimental + manner drawled out,-- + "If to her share some female errors fall, + Look in her face----" + + He paused. She raised her beautiful eyes to him, and + consciously smiled--_her_ smile--in anticipation of the + well-known complimentary termination of the couplet, + when, with a deep sigh, he added-- + "----and you'll _believe_ them all!" + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. + + + _THE MAIDENS._ + + Perhaps, O lovers, if we did our hair + _A la_ Medea, and if our garments were + Draped classically, we should seem more fair. + + + _THE YOUTHS._ + + By doing this ye would not us befool; + Medea! the idea makes our blood run cool; + Besides, of classics we'd enough at school. + + _Once a Week_. + + + Pledge me round, I bid ye declare, + All good fellows whose beards are grey, + Did not the fairest of the fair + Common grow and wearisome ere + Ever a month was passed away? + + The reddest lips that ever have kissed, + The brightest eyes that ever have shone, + May pray and whisper, and we not list, + Or look away, and never be missed, + Ere yet ever a month is gone. + + W. M. THACKERAY. + + + It was known that Lord St. Jerome gave at his + ball suppers the same champagne that he gave + at his dinners, and that was of the highest class: + in short, a patriot. We talk with wondering execration + of the great poisoners of past ages, the Borgias, the + inventor of Aqua tofana, and the amiable Marchioness + de Brinvilliers; but Pinto was of opinion that there + were more social poisoners about in the present day than + in the darkest and most demoralized periods, and then + none of them are punished; which is so strange, he + would add, as they are all found out. + + LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Lothair_. + + + Seared is, of course, my heart:--but unsubdued + Is, and shall be, my appetite for food. + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_. + + + Sheil had learnt and forgotten the exordium of a + speech which began with the word "Necessity." + This word he had repeated three times, when + Sir Robert Peel broke in--"is not _always_ the mother of + invention." + + ABRAHAM HAYWARD, _Essays_. + + + _ON MR. FROUDE AND CANON KINGSLEY._ + + Froude informs the Scottish youth + Parsons have small regard for truth; + The Reverend Canon Kingsley cries + That History is a pack of lies. + What cause for judgment so malign? + A brief reflection solves the mystery: + Froude believes Kingsley a divine, + And Kingsley goes to Froude for history. + + ANON. + + + Dined with Sydney Smith. He said that his brother + Robert had, in King George III.'s time, translated + the motto, "_Libertas sub rege pio_," "The + pious king has got liberty under." + + R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. + + + _Landlord_: He's only a genus. + _Glavis_: A what? + _Landlord_: A genus!--a man who can do everything + in life except anything that's useful--that's a genus. + + LORD LYTTON, _The Lady of Lyons_. + + + First love is a pretty romance, + But not half so sweet as 'tis reckoned; + And when one wakes from the trance, + There's a vast stock of bliss in the second. + + And e'en should a second subside, + A lover should never despair; + The world is uncommonly wide, + And the women uncommonly fair. + + The poets their raptures may tell, + Who have never been put to the test; + A first love is all very well, + But, believe me, the last love's the best. + + MR. BERNAL. + + + I've nothing to say again' her piety, my dear; but + I know very well I shouldn't like her to cook + my victual. When a man comes in hungry an' + tired, piety won't feed him, I reckon. Hard carrots + 'ull lie heavy on his stomach, piety or no piety. It's + right enough to be speritial--I'm no enemy to that; but + I like my potatoes mealy. + + _Mrs. Linnet_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Janet's Repentance_. + + + Somehow, sitting cosily here, + I think of the sunny summertide hours, + When the what-do-you-call-'em warbles clear, + And the breezes blow--likewise the flowers. + + _Once a Week._ + + + A lawyer's brief will be brief, before a freethinker + thinks freely. + + _Guesses at Truth._ + + + Juxtaposition, in fine; and what is juxtaposition? + Look you, we travel along in the railway, carriage or steamer, + And, _pour passer le temps_, till the tedious journey be ended, + Lay aside paper or book, to talk to the girl who is next one; + And, _pour passer le temps_, with the terminus all but in prospect, + Talk of eternal ties and marriages made in heaven. + + _Claude_, in CLOUGH's _Amours de Voyage_. + + + We measure the excellency of other men by some + excellency we conceive to be in ourselves. + + SELDEN, _Table Talk_. + + + Oh! spare those Gardens where the leafy glade + Prompts the proposal dalliance delayed; + Where tear-dewed lids, choked utterance, sobs suppressed, + Tear the confession from a doubting breast; + Whence they, who vainly haunted rout and ride, + Emerge triumphant from a suitor's side. + + ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. + + + They have queer hotels in Oregon. I remember + one where they gave me a bag of oats for a + pillow. I had night mares, of course. + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + The man who would Charybdis shun + Must make a cautious movement, + Or else he'll into Scylla run-- + Which would be no improvement. + The fish that left the frying-pan, + On feeling that desire, sir, + Took little by their change of plan, + When floundering in the fire, sir. + + LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. + + + The flattery which is most pleasing to really beautiful + or decidedly ugly women is that which is + addressed to the intellect. + + LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. + + + Johnson's folly--to be candid--was a wild desire to treat + Every able male white citizen he met upon the street; + And there being several thousand--but this subject why pursue? + 'Tis with Perkins, and not Johnson, that to-day we have to do. + + BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. + + + Good little girls ought not to make mouths at + their teachers for every trifling offence. This + kind of retaliation should only be resorted to + under peculiarly aggravating circumstances. + + If you have nothing but a rag-doll stuffed with sawdust, + while one of your more fortunate little playmates + has a costly china one, you should treat her with a show + of kindness nevertheless. And you ought not to attempt + to make a forcible swap with her, unless your conscience + would justify you in it, and you know you are able to + do it. + + If your mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to + reply that you won't. It is better and more becoming + to intimate that you will do as she bids you, and then + afterwards act quietly in the matter according to the + dictates of your better judgment. + + MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. + + + We count mankind, and keep our census still, + We count the stars that populate the night; + But who, with all his computation, can + Con catty nations right? + + R. H. NEWELL, _Orpheus C. Kerr Papers_. + + + I think it was Jekyll who used to say that "the + further he went West, the more convinced he + was that the wise men did come from the East." + + SYDNEY SMITH, _Life and Letters_. + + + Ce qui nous empêche souvent de nous abandonner + à un seul vice est que nous en avons plusieurs. + + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. + + + I have observed that if people's vanity is pleased, + they live well enough together. Offended vanity + is the great separator. + + _Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_. + + + _ON EDINBURGH._ + + Pompous the boast, and yet a truth it speaks: + A "Modern Athens"--fit for modern Greeks. + + JAMES HANNAY, _Sketches and Characters_. + + + Lord Andover, a very fat man, was greatly + plagued at a fancy bazaar to buy some trifle or + other from the ladies' stalls. At length he rather + rudely said, "I am like the Prodigal Son, persecuted by + ladies." "No, no," retorted Mrs. ----, "say, rather, the + fatted calf." + + B. R. HAYDON, _Diary_. + + + A quiet conscience makes one so serene! + Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded, + That all the Apostles would have done as they did. + + LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. + + + "Were you born in wedlock?" asked a counsel of + a witness. "No, sir, in Devonshire," was the + reply. + + HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. + + + Evanson, in his "Dissonance of the Gospels," + thinks Luke is most worthy of credence. P---- + said that Evanson was a _luke_-warm Christian. + + CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. + + + _ONE FOR HIM._ + + Reading the paper Laura sat, + "Greenwich _mean_ time, mamma, what's that?" + "My love, it's when your stingy Pa + Won't take us to the Trafalgàr." + + SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. + + + I was once as desperately in love as you are now. + I adored, and was rejected. "You are in love + with certain attributes," said the lady. "Damn + your attributes, madam," said I; "I know nothing of + attributes." "Sir," she said, with dignity, "you have + been drinking." So we parted. She was married afterwards + to another, who knew something about attributes, + I suppose. I have seen her once, and only once. She + had a baby in a yellow gown. I hate a baby in a yellow + gown! + + _Berkley_, in LONGFELLOW's _Hyperion_. + + + A man has generally the good or ill qualities which + he attributes to mankind. + + SHENSTONE, _Essays_. + + + How doth the little crocodile + Improve his shining tail, + And pour the waters of the Nile + On every shining scale! + + How cheerfully he seems to grin, + How neatly spreads his claws, + And welcomes little fishes in + With gently smiling jaws! + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. + + + _Apropos_ of cutlets, I once called upon an old + lady, who pressed me so urgently to stay and + dine with her that, as I had no engagement, I + could not refuse. On sitting down, the servant uncovered + a dish which contained two mutton chops; and + my old friend said, "Mr. Hook, you see your dinner." + "Thank you, ma'am," said I; "but where is yours?" + + THEODORE HOOK, _apud_ PLANCHÉ. + + + In all distresses of our friends, + We first consult our private ends; + While nature, kindly bent to ease us, + Points out some circumstance to please us. + + SWIFT, _Verses on his own Death_. + + + On ne donne rien si libéralement que ses conseils. + + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions._ + + + _A NUTSHELL NOVEL._ + + FOR A MINIATURE MUDIE. + + VOL. I. + + A winning wile, + A sunny smile, + A feather: + A tiny talk, + A pleasant walk, + Together! + + VOL. II. + + A little doubt, + A playful pout, + Capricious: + A merry miss, + A stolen kiss, + Delicious!! + + VOL. III. + + You ask mamma, + Consult papa, + With pleasure: + And both repent + This rash event, + At leisure!!! + + J. ASHBY STERRY, _Boudoir Ballads_. + + + Woman consoles us, it is true, while we are young + and handsome! When we are old and ugly, + woman snubs and scolds us. + + LORD LYTTON, _What will he do with it?_ + + + La société est composée de deux grandes classes: + ceux qui ont plus de dîners que d'appétit, et + ceux qui ont plus d'appétit que de dîners. + + CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. + + + Has she wedded some gigantic shrimper, + That sweet mite with whom I loved to play? + Is she girt with babes that whine and whimper, + That bright being who was always gay? + + Yes--she has at least a dozen wee things! + Yes--I see her darning corduroys, + Scouring floors, and setting out the tea-things, + For a howling herd of hungry boys. + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. + + + "You may report to your Government that the + British youth of the present day, hot from the + University, are very often prigs." + + "Most certainly I will," said Mr. Wog; "the last + word, however, is one with which I am not acquainted." + + "It is an old English term for profound thinker," I + replied. + + L. OLIPHANT, _Piccadilly_. + + + Woman takes the lead in all the departments, + leaving us politics only. While we are being + amused by the ballot, woman is quietly taking + things into her own hands. + + C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. + + + Would it were wind and wave alone! + The terrors of the torrid zone, + The indiscriminate cyclone, + A man might parry; + But only faith, or "triple brass," + Can help the "outward-bound" to pass + Safe through that eastward-faring class + Who sail to marry. + + For him fond mothers, stout and fair, + Ascend the tortuous cabin stair + Only to hold around his chair + Insidious sessions; + For him the eyes of daughters droop + Across the plate of handed soup, + Suggesting seats upon the poop, + And soft confessions. + + AUSTIN DOBSON, _Vignettes in Rhyme_. + + + It's poor work allays settin' the dead above the + livin'. It 'ud be better if folks 'ud make much + of us beforehand, isted o' beginnin' when we're + gone. + + _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. + + + The authoress of the "Wild Irish Girl," Lady + Morgan, justly proud of her gifted sister Olivia, + was in the habit of addressing every new-comer + with, "I must make you acquainted with my Livy." She + once used this form of words to a gentleman who had + just been worsted in an encounter of wits with the lady + in question. "Yes, ma'am," was the reply; "I happen + to know your _Livy_, and I would to Heaven your _Livy_ + was _Tacitus_." + + LORD ALBEMARLE, _Fifty Years of my Life._ + + + "Rise with the lark, and with the lark to bed," + Observes some solemn, sentimental owl; + Maxims like these are very cheaply said; + But e'er you make yourself a fool or fowl, + Pray just inquire about his rise and fall, + And whether larks have any bed at all! + + The "time for honest folks to be in bed" + Is in the morning, if I reason right; + And he who cannot keep his precious head + Upon its pillow till it's fairly light, + And so enjoy his forty morning winks, + Is up to knavery; or else--he drinks! + + JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems._ + + + _A Popular Man._--One who is so boldly vulgar + that the timidly vulgar admire him. + + ANNE EVANS, _Poems and Music._ + + + We can't for a certainty tell + What mirth may molest us on Monday; + But, at least, to begin the week well, + Let us all be unhappy on Sunday. + + These gardens, their walks and green bowers, + Might be free to the poor man for one day; + But no, the glad plants and gay flowers + Mustn't bloom or smell sweetly on Sunday. + + Abroad we forbid folks to roam + For fear they get social or frisky; + But of course they can sit still at home, + And get dismally drunk upon whiskey. + + LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. + + + La haine des faibles n'est pas si dangereuse que + leur amitié. + + VAUVENARGUES, _Réflexions_. + + + To Matthew Arnold we must go to put us in the right, sir, + About his elevating scheme of "sweetness" and of "light," sir, + Which some folks say will one fine day achieve a marked ascendancy, + Though "Providence" it waters down into a "stream of tendency." + + F. D., in _Pall Mall Gazette_. + + + Chambermaids use up more hair-oil than any + six men. If charged with purloining the same, + they lie about it. What do they care about a + hereafter? Absolutely nothing. + + MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. + + + When sorely tempted to purloin + Your _pietà_ of Marc Antoine, + Fair virtue doth fair play enjoin, + Fair Virtuoso! + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + No man can be wise on an empty stomach. + + _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. + + + All tragedies are finished by a death, + All comedies are ended by a marriage; + The future states of both are left to faith, + For authors fear description might disparage + The worlds to come of both, or fall beneath. + + LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. + + + The Bailli de Ferrette was always dressed in knee-breeches, + with a cocked hat and sword, the + slender proportions of which greatly resembled + those of his legs. "Do tell me, my dear Bailli," said + Montrond one day, "have you got three legs or three + swords?" + + GRONOW, _Recollections_. + + + A Mexican lady's hair never curls--it's as straight + as an Indian's. Some people's hair won't curl + under any circumstances. My hair won't curl + under two shillings. + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + I've read the poets of our land, + Who sing of beauty and of love, + Who rave about a dimpled hand, + And write sweet sonnets on a glove. + But sweeter far than maiden's kiss, + And fairer far than Jouvin's best, + Is one red-labelled quart, I wis, + With Bass's well-known mark imprest. + + And years may come, and years may go, + And fortune change as fortune will, + But may my Burton fountain flow, + In shade and sunshine clearly still, + And till life's night is closing grey, + My heart shall ever hold most dear + The liquor that I sing to-day-- + My childhood's friend! my Bass's beer! + + H. SAVILE CLARKE. + + + Women are much more like each other than men; + they have, in truth, but two passions: vanity and + love: these are their universal characteristics. + + LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. + + + "After all, are not women necessary to your + happiness?" + + "Alas!" sighed Maximilian, "it is but too + true. But women have unfortunately only one way of + making us happy, whilst they have thirty thousand + different modes of rendering us miserable." + + HEINRICH HEINE, _The Florentine Nights_. + + + I love you! ay! it seems absurd, + Altho' to prove it I was sedulous; + The _ink_ is _black_ that writes the word, + Yet you will read it all _inc-red_-ulous. + Where was my sense, once so acute, + To dream myself a hopeful suitor? + I should have been much more _astute_; + I came to you, you know, _as tutor_! + My passion on an instant grew-- + (Spontaneous love is scarce a crime!). + How swift those early minutes flew! + And, _odd_ to say, 'twas _even_-time! + Maddened with love, I penned a note, + And placed it where 'twould catch your sight; + Alas for me! but when I _wrote_, + Of course I thought that I _did right_! + + ROBERT REECE, in _Comic Poets_. + + + The most dreadful thing against women is the + character of the men that praise them. + + LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. + + + There's one Thomas Buckle, a London youth, + Who taught that the world was blind + Till he was born to proclaim the truth, + That matter is moulder of mind; + But I really can't fancy at all + How wheat, rice, and barley, + Made Dick, Tom, and Charlie + So tidy and trim, + Without help from Him + Who was preached both by Plato and Paul. + + J. S. BLACKIE, _Musa Burschicosa_. + + + Sheridan's answer to Lord Lauderdale was excellent, + on the latter saying he would repeat + some good thing I had mentioned to him: + "Pray don't, my dear Lauderdale; a joke in your mouth + is no laughing matter." + + THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. + + + Do you know why the rabbits are caught in the snare, + Or the tabby cat's shot on the tiles? + Why the tigers and lions creep out of their lair? + Why an ostrich will travel for miles? + Do you know why a sane man will whimper and cry, + And weep o'er a ribbon or glove? + Why a cook will put sugar for salt in a pie? + Do you know? Well, I'll tell you--it's Love. + + _Flapper_, in H. P. STEPHENS's _Billee Taylor_. + + + I remember Curran once--in an action for + breach of promise of marriage, in which he was + counsel for the defendant, a young clergyman--thus + appealing to the jury: "Gentlemen, I entreat of + you not to ruin this young man by a vindictive verdict, + for though he has talents, and is in the Church, he may + rise!" + + PHILLIPS, _Life of Curran_. + + + There are female women, and there are male + women. + + CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. + + + I own fair faces not more fair + In Ettrick than in Portman Square, + And silly danglers just as silly + In Sherwood, as in Piccadilly. + + W. M. PRAED. + + + I heard an anecdote at Oxford, of a porter encountering + on his rounds two undergraduates, + who were without their gowns, or out of bounds, + or out of hours. He challenged one: "Your name and + college?" They were given. Turning to the other: "And + pray, sir, what might your name be?" "Julius Cæsar," + was the reply. "What, sir, do you mean to say your + name is Julius Cæsar?" "Sir, you did not ask me what + it is, but what it _might_ be." + + W. H. HARRISON, _Reminiscences_. + + + I always can tell a + Preoccupied man by his tumbled umbrella. + + _Lady Matilda_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Ladies in Parliament_. + + + Talking of Doctor [Parr's] illegible manuscript, + "Ay," said [Basil Montagu], "his letters are + illegible, except they contain a commission or an + announcement that he is coming to see you, and then no + man can write plainer." + + MISS MITFORD, _Life and Letters_. + + + I never nursed a dear gazelle; + But I was given a parroquet-- + (How I did nurse him if unwell!) + He's imbecile, but lingers yet. + He's green, with an enchanting tuft; + He melts me with his small black eye; + He'd look inimitable stuff'd, + And knows it--but he will not die! + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. + + + Some reformer was clamouring for the expulsion + of the Bishops from the House of Lords, but + said he would not have them all go; he would + leave two. "To keep up the breed, I suppose," said + Alvanley. + + CHARLES GREVILLE, _Diary_. + + + You women regard men just as you buy books--you + never care about what is in them, but how + they are bound and lettered. + + _Damas_, in LORD LYTTON's _Lady of Lyons_. + + + _EPITAPH ON LORD L----._ + + Here lies L.'s body, from his soul asunder: + He once was on the turf, and now is _under_. + + SCROPE DAVIES, _apud_ MOORE. + + + _A SUITABLE BRIDE._ + + My friend Admiral E. E., shortly after his return + from a cruise, met an old acquaintance in the + streets of ----, who said, after the usual salutations + had passed, "They telt me, Admiral, that ye had + got married." The Admiral, hoping for a compliment, + replied, "Why, Bailie, I am getting on; I'm not so young + as I was, you see, and none of the girls will have me." + On which the Bailie, with perfect good faith and simplicity, + replied, "'Deed, Admiral, I was na evenin' yer to + a lassie, but there's mony a fine, respeckit, _half-worn_ + wumman wad be glad to tak ye." + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. + + + _ON THE WORKS OF THE LAKE POETS._ + + They come from the Lakes--an appropriate quarter + For poems diluted with plenty of water. + + REV. HENRY TOWNSHEND. + + + And I whispered, "I guess + The sweet secret thou keepest, + And the dainty distress + That thou wistfully weepest; + And the question is, 'Licence or banns?' though undoubtedly + banns are the cheapest." + + Then her white hand I clasped, + And with kisses I crowned it. + But she glared and she gasped, + And she muttered, "Confound it!" + Or at least it was something like that, but the noise of + the omnibus drowned it. + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Phantasmagoria_. + + + It was Lady Cork who had originated the idea that, + after all, heaven would perhaps turn out very + dull to her _when she got there; sitting on damp + clouds_, and _singing "God save the King,"_ being her idea + of the principal amusements there. + + FANNY KEMBLE, _Record of a Girlhood_. + + + _ON FEMININE TALKATIVENESS._ + + How wisely Nature, ordering all below, + Forbade a beard on woman's chin to grow! + For how could she be shaved, whate'er the skill, + Whose tongue would never let her chin be still? + + ANON. + + + When Tennyson entered the Oxford Theatre to + receive his honorary degree of D.C.L., his locks + hanging in admired disorder on his shoulders, + dishevelled and unkempt, a voice from the gallery was + heard crying out to him, "Did your mother call you + early, dear?" + + J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. + + + "Ha! ha!" he said, "you loathe your ways, + You writhe at these my words of warning, + In agony your hands you raise!" + (And so they did, for they were yawning.) + + "Ho! ho!" he cries, "you bow your crests-- + My eloquence has set you weeping; + In shame you bend upon your breasts!" + (And so they did, for they were sleeping.) + + W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_. + + + You may safely flatter any woman, from her understanding + down to the exquisite taste of her fan. + + LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. + + + _ON LADIES' ACCOMPLISHMENTS._ + + Your dressing, dancing, gadding, where's the good in? + Sweet lady, tell me--can you make a pudding? + + _Epigrams in Distich._ + + + Lord Braxfield, at whist, exclaimed to a lady + with whom he was playing, "What are ye doing, + ye damned auld ----?" and then, recollecting + himself, "Your pardon's begged, madam; I took ye for + my ain wife." + + LORD MACAULAY, _Life_. + + + Then life was thornless to our ken, + And, Bramble-Rise, thy hills were then + A rise without a bramble. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + John Hamilton Reynolds was specially + distinguished for the aptness of his quotations. + Finding him one day lunching at the Garrick, + I asked him if the beef he was eating was good. "It + would have been," he answered, "if damned custom had + not _brazed_ it so." + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. + + + While spending an evening at [Mendelssohn's] + house, a note, with a ticket enclosed, was put in + my hands. The note ran thus: "The Directors + of the Leipzig Concerts beg leave to present to Mr. + _Shurely_ a ticket of the concert of to-morrow." Whereupon + Mendelssohn ran to the pianoforte, and immediately + began to play the subject from the chorus of the "Messiah," + "_Surely_ he hath borne," etc. + + H. F. CHORLEY, _Life_. + + + Fhairshon had a son, + Who married Noah's daughter, + And nearly spoilt ta flood, + By trinking up ta water: + Which he would have done, + I at least believe it, + Had ta mixture peen + Only half Glenlivet. + + _Bon Gaultier Ballads._ + + + After the execution of the eighteen malefactors + [in 1787], a female was bawling an account of + them, but called them nineteen. A gentleman + said to her, "Why do you say nineteen? There were + but eighteen hanged." She replied, "Sir, I did not know + you had been reprieved." + + HORACE WALPOLE, _Correspondence_. + + + _ON THE MARRIAGE OF JOB WALL AND MARY BEST._ + + Job, wanting a partner, thought he'd be blest, + If, of all womankind, he selected the Best; + For, said he, of all evils that compass the globe, + A bad wife would most try the patience of Job. + The Best, then, he chose, and made bone of his bone, + Though 'twas clear to his friends she'd be Best left alone; + For, though Best of her sex, she's the weakest of all, + If it's true that the weakest must go to the Wall. + + HICKS, _apud_ J. C. YOUNG. + + + La vertu des femmes est peut-être une question du + tempérament. + + BALZAC, _Physiologie du Mariage_. + + + _ON ONE STEALING A POUND OF CANDLES._ + + Light-fingered Catch, to keep his hands in ure, + Stole anything,--of this you may be sure, + That he thinks all his own that once he handles,-- + For practice' sake did steal a pound of candles; + Was taken in the act:--oh, foolish wight! + To steal such things as needs must come to light! + + _A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727). + + + At Hook's, one day the conversation turned on the + Duke of Cumberland, and a question asked who + he married. "Don't you know?" said Cannon; + "the Princess de _Psalms_ (Salms),--good enough for + _Hymn_ (him)." + + W. JERDAN, _Memoirs_. + + + For me, I neither know nor care + Whether a parson ought to wear + A black dress or a white dress; + Fill'd with a trouble of my own-- + A wife who preaches in her gown, + And lectures in her night-dress! + + THOMAS HOOD. + + + Madame de ---- having said, in her intense + style, "I should like to be married in _English_, + in a language in which vows are so faithfully + kept," some one asked Frere, "What language, I wonder, + was _she_ married in?" "_Broken_ English, I suppose," answered + Frere. + + THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. + + + Your magpies and stock-doves may flirt among trees, + And chatter their transports in groves, if they please; + But a house is much more to my taste than a tree, + And for groves, O! a good grove of chimneys for me. + + CHARLES MORRIS, _Lyra Urbanica_. + + + Again they asked me to marry them, and again I + declined, when they cried,--"Oh, cruel man! + This is too much--too much!" I told them + that it was on account of the muchness that I declined. + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + On one of the country gentlemen saying in Parliament, + "We must return to the food of our ancestors," + somebody asked, "What food does he + mean?" "Thistles, I suppose," said Tierney. + + THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. + + + Maidens then were innocent, + Blushing at a compliment, + Or a gaze. + But a blush a vanish'd grace is, + For young ladies paint their faces + Now-a-days, + + Black their eyelids till they stare, + Wash with soda, till their hair + Looks like maize; + 'Tis the fashion to be blonde + _À la mode du demi-monde_ + Now-a-days. + + J. JEMMETT BROWNE, _Songs of Many Seasons_. + + + [Lady Charlotte Lindsay] said she had + "sprained her ankle so often, and been told + that it was worse than breaking her leg, that + she said she had come to look upon a broken leg as a + positive advantage." + + LORD HOUGHTON, _Monographs_. + + + Blows are sarcasms turned stupid. + + GEORGE ELIOT, _Felix Holt_. + + + They grieved for those who perished with the cutter, + And also for the biscuit-casks and butter. + + LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. + + + Social arrangements are awful miscarriages; + Cause of all crime is our system of marriages. + Poets with sonnets, and lovers with trysts, + Kindle the ire of the Positivists. + + Husbands and wives should be all one community: + Exquisite freedom with absolute unity. + Wedding-rings worse are than manacled wrists-- + Such is the creed of the Positivists. + + MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_. + + + Fox, whose pecuniary embarrassments were universally + recognized, being attacked by a severe + indisposition, which confined him to his apartment, + Dudley frequently visited him. In the course of + conversation, Fox, alluding to his complaints, remarked + that he was compelled to observe much regularity in his + diet and hours; adding, "I live by rule, like clockwork." + "Yes," replied Dudley; "I suppose you mean you go + by _tick, tick, tick_." + + SIR NATHANIEL WRAXALL, _Memoirs_. + + + _PROBATUM EST._ + + One loss has a companion always. _Semper_, + When people lose their train, they lose their temper. + + SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. + + + Working by the hour tends to make one moral. + A plumber working by the job, trying to unscrew + a rusty, refractory nut, in a cramped position, where + the tongs continually slipped off, would swear; but I + never heard one of them swear, or exhibit the least + impatience at such a vexation, working by the hour. + Nothing can move a man who is paid by the hour. How + sweet the flight of time seems to his calm mind! + + C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. + + + It greets me in my festal hours, + It brings my gloom relief; + It sprinkles life with loveliest flowers + And plucks the sting from grief. + I'd smile at poverty and pain; + I'd welcome death with glee-- + If to the last I might retain + My own--my upper G! + + H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_. + + + "Milton Perkins," said the Siren, "not thy wealth do I admire, + But the intellect that flashes from those eyes of opal fire; + And methinks the name thou bearest cannot surely be misplaced; + And--embrace me, Mister Perkins!" Milton Perkins her embraced. + + BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. + + + Truth-vendors and medicine-vendors usually + recommend swallowing. When a man sees his + livelihood in a pill or a proposition, he likes to + have orders for the dose, and not curious inquiries. + + _Felix Holt_, in GEORGE ELIOT's novel. + + + Stuart Mill on Mind and Matter + All our old Beliefs would scatter: + Stuart Mill exerts his skill + To make an end of Mind and Matter. + + But had I skill, like Stuart Mill, + His own position I could shatter: + The weight of Mill I count as Nil-- + If Mill has neither Mind nor Matter. + + LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. + + + "And how many hours a day did you do lessons?" + said Alice. + "Ten hours the first day," said the Mock + Turtle; "nine the next, and so on." + "What a curious plan!" exclaimed Alice. + "That's the reason they're called lessons," the Gryphon + remarked "because they lessen from day to day." + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. + + + Quiconque n'a pas de caractère n'est pas un + homme: c'est une chose. + + CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. + + + It's hard work to tell which is Old Harry when + everybody's got boots on. + + _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. + + + I want you to come and pass sentence + On two or three books with a plot; + Of course you know "Janet's Repentance"? + I'm reading Sir _Waverley_ Scott, + The story of Edgar and Lucy, + How thrilling, romantic, and true! + The Master (his bride was a _goosey_!) + Reminds me of you. + + They tell me Cockayne has been crowning + A poet whose garland endures: + It was you who first spouted me Browning-- + That stupid old Browning of yours! + His vogue and his verve are alarming; + I'm anxious to give him his due, + But, Fred, he's not nearly so charming + A poet as you! + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + Joseph Gillon was a Writer to the Signet. Calling + on him one day in his writing office, Sir Walter + Scott said, "Why, Joseph, this place is as hot as + an oven." "Well," quoth Gillon, "and isn't it here that + I make my bread?" + + LOCKHART, _Life of Scott_. + + + Forever! 'tis a single word! + Our rude forefathers deem'd it two; + Can you imagine so absurd + A view? + Forever! what abysms of woe + The word reveals, what frenzy, what + Despair! For ever (printed so) + Did not. + And nevermore must printer do + As men did longago; but run + "For" into "ever," bidding two + Be one. + Forever! passion-fraught, it throws + O'er the dim page a gloom, a glamour: + It's sweet, it's strange, and I suppose + It's grammar. + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. + + + Walking down St. James's Street, Lord Chelmsford + was accosted by a stranger, who exclaimed, + "Mr. Birch, I believe?" "If you believe that, + sir, you'll believe anything," replied the ex-chancellor, as + he passed on. + + BERKELEY, _Life and Recollections_. + + + You snared me, Rose, with ribbons, + Your rose-mouth made me thrall. + Brief--briefer far than Gibbon's, + Was my "Decline and Fall." + + AUSTIN DOBSON, _Vignettes in Rhyme_. + + + The reason we dislike vanity in others is because + it is perpetually hurting our own. + + LORD LYTTON's _Pelham_. + + + Then nymphs had bluer eyes than hose, + England then measured men by blows, + And measured time by candles. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + A woman's choice usually means taking the only + man she can get. + + _Mrs. Cadwallader_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Middlemarch_. + + + To charm the girls he never spoke-- + Although his voice was fine; + He found the most convenient way + Was just to drop a line. + + And many a gudgeon of the pond, + If they could speak to-day, + Would own, with grief, this angler had + A mighty "taking" way. + + JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. + + + I am always afraid of a fool: one cannot be sure + that he is not a knave as well. + + W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. + + + The people is much given to stoning its prophets + that it may worship their reliques with the greater + fervency: dogs that bark at us to-day lick our + bones to-morrow with true canine fidelity. + + HEINRICH HEINE, _Ludwig Beorne_. + + + Money makes a man laugh. A blind fiddler + playing to a company, and playing but scurvily, + the company laughed at him. His boy that led + him, perceiving it, cried, "Father, let us begone; they + do nothing but laugh at you." "Hold peace, boy," said + the fiddler; "we shall have their money presently, and + then we will laugh at them." + + SELDEN, _Table Talk_. + + + In candent ire the solar splendour flames; + The foles, languescent, pend from arid rames; + His humid front the cive, anheling, wipes, + And dreams of erring on ventiferous ripes. + + How dulce to vive occult from mortal eyes, + Dorm on the herb with none to supervise, + Carp the suave berries from the crescent vine, + And bibe the flow from longicaudate kine! + + Me wretched! Let me curr to quercine shades! + Effund your albid hausts, lactiferous maids! + Oh, might I vole to some umbrageous clump,-- + Depart--be off--exude--evade--erump! + + OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. + + + He slaps me gently on the back. He's stopped too + long in the wine-cellar. A little tasting is a + dangerous thing. + + F. C. BURNAND, _Happy Thoughts_. + + + _THE MAIDENS._ + + Lovers, we pray you, gaining our consents, + Let us, too, have _our_ mediæval bents; + Give us, for cricket matches, tournaments. + + + _THE WIDOWERS._ + + We are stout, nor will uncomfortably truss + Our arms and legs, like fowls; no jousts for us; + In armour we should look ridiculous. + + + _THE FATHERS._ + + Of money, tournaments would cost a heap; + Humour your sweethearts, sons, with something cheap; + But look to settlements before you leap. + + _Once a Week._ + + + He [Samuel Beazley] suffered considerably a short + time before his decease, and, his usual spirits + occasionally forsaking him, he one day wrote + so melancholy a letter that the friend to whom it was + addressed, observed, in his reply, that it was "like the + first chapter of Jeremiah." "You are mistaken, my + dear fellow," retorted the wit; "it is the last chapter of + Samuel." + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. + + + No one can perceive, as I'm a sinner, + A very marked improvement in the dinner. + We still consume, with mingled shame and grief, + Veal that is tottering on the verge of beef, + Veal void of stuffing, widowed of its ham, + Or the roast shoulder of an ancient ram. + + _Decius Mus_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Horace at Athens_. + + + "As for that," said Waldershare, "sensible men are + all of the same religion." + "And pray what is that?" inquired the + prince. + "Sensible men never tell." + + LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Endymion_. + + + _ON AN OLD LOVE._ + + Upon the cabin stairs we met, the voyage nearly over; + You leant upon his arm, my pet, from Calais unto Dover! + And _he_ is looking very glad, tho' I am feeling sadder, + That _I'm_ not your companion-lad on that companion-ladder! + + J. ASHBY STERRY, in _English Epigrams_. + + + It strikes me that one mother-in-law is about + enough to have in a family--unless you're very + fond of excitement. + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + "Come here, my boy, hould up your head, + And look like a jintleman, sir; + Jist tell me who King Jonah was; + Now tell me, if you can, sir." + "King Jonah was the strongest man + That ever wore a crown, sir; + For though the whale did swallow him, + It couldn't keep him down, sir." + + "You're right, my boy, hould up your head, + And look like a jintleman, sir; + Just tell me who that Moses was; + Now tell me, if you can, sir." + "Shure Moses was the Christian name + Of good King Pharaoh's daughter; + She was a milkmaid, and she took + A _profit_ from the water." + + J. A. SIDEY, _Mistura Curiosa_. + + + A little incident Charlotte Cushman once related + to me. She said a man in the gallery of + a theatre made such a disturbance that the play + could not proceed. Cries of "Throw him over" arose + from all parts of the house, and the noise became furious. + All was tumultuous above until a sweet and gentle female + voice was heard in the pit, exclaiming, "No! I pray + you, don't throw him over! I beg of you, dear friends, + don't throw him over, but--_kill him where he is_." + + J. T. FIELDS, _Yesterdays with Authors_. + + + With all his conscience and one eye askew, + So false, he partly took himself for true; + Whose pious talk, when most his heart was dry, + Made wet the crafty crowsfoot round his eye; + Who, never naming God except for gain, + So never took that useful name in vain; + Made Him his catspaw and the Cross his tool, + And Christ the bait to trap his dupe and fool; + Nor deeds of gift, but deeds of grace he forged, + And snake-like slimed his victim ere he gorged; + And oft at Bible meetings, o'er the rest + Arising, did his holy oily best, + Dropping the too rough H in Hell and Heaven, + To spread the Word by which himself had thriven. + + ALFRED TENNYSON, _Sea Dreams_. + + + Please the eyes and the ears, they will introduce + you to the heart, and, nine times in ten, + the heart governs the understanding. + + LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. + + + The cup with trembling hands he grasps, + Close to his thirsty lips he clasps, + Ringed with its pewter rim--he gasps. + + The eddying floor beneath him crawls, + He clutches at the flying walls, + Then like a lump of lead he falls. + + _The Shotover Papers._ + + + On fait souvent du bien pour pouvoir impunément + faire du mal. + + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. + + + There's a joy without canker or cark, + There's a pleasure eternally new, + 'Tis to gloat on the glaze and the mark + Of china that's ancient and blue; + Unchipp'd all the centuries through + It has pass'd, since the chime of it rang, + And they fashion'd it, figure and hue, + In the reign of the Emperor Hwang. + + ANDREW LANG, _Ballades in Blue China_. + + + Ceremony.--All that is considered necessary by + many in religion and friendship. + + HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. + + + Rogues meet their due when out they fall, + And each the other blames, sir, + The pot should not the kettle call + Opprobrious sorts of names, sir. + + LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. + + + I have nothing to say again' Craig, on'y it is a + pity he couldna be hatched o'er again, an' + hatched different. + + _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. + + + Let us have wine and women, mirth and laughter, + Sermons and soda-water the day after. + + LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. + + + [Dr. Busby] was once invited, during a residence at + Deal, by an old Westminster--who, from being + a very idle, well-flogged boy, had, after a course + of distinguished service, been named to the command + of a fine frigate in the Downs--to visit him on board + his ship. The doctor accepted the invitation; and, + after he had got up the ship's side, the captain piped all + hands for punishment, and said to the astonished doctor, + "You d--d old scoundrel, I am delighted to have the + opportunity of paying you off at last. Here, boatswain, + give him three dozen." + + GRONOW, _Recollections_. + + + _GOOD AND BAD LUCK._ + + Good Luck is the gayest of all gay girls; + Long in one place she will not stay: + Back from your brow she strokes the curls, + Kisses you quick and flies away. + + But Madame Bad Luck soberly comes + And stays--no fancy has she for flitting-- + Snatches of true-love songs she hums, + And sits by your bed, and brings her knitting. + + JOHN HAY, _Poems_. + + + I wish nine-tenths of the pictures that have been + painted had never been preserved; it is such a + nuisance having to go and see them. + + _Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_. + + + Victor Hugo is an Egoist, or, to use a stronger + term, he is a Hugoist. + + HEINRICH HEINE, _Musical Notes from Paris_. + + + _ON WOMEN AS UNIONISTS._ + + Among the men, what dire divisions rise-- + For "Union" one, "No Union" t'other cries. + Shame on the sex that such dispute began-- + Ladies are all for union--to a man! + + ANON. + + + Si c'est un crime de l'aimer, + On n'en doit justement blâmer + Que les beautés qui sont en elle; + La faute en est au dieux + Qui la firent si belle, + Et non pas à mes yeux. + + JEAN DE LINGENDES. + + + "Was not ---- very disagreeable?" "Why, he was + as disagreeable as the occasion would permit," + Luttrell said. + + SYDNEY SMITH, _Life and Letters_. + + + "I believe that nothing in the newspapers is + ever true," said Madame Phoebus. + + "And that is why they are so popular," + added Euphrosyne; "the taste of the age being so + decidedly for fiction." + + LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Lothair_. + + + He that would shine, and petrify his tutor, + Should drink draught Allsopp in its "native pewter." + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_. + + + Lauk, sir! Love's all in the fancy. One does + not eat it, nor drink it: and as for the rest--why, + it's a bother. + + _Corporal Bunting_, in LYTTON's _Eugene Aram_. + + + "Mr. O----'s affairs turn out so sadly that he + cannot have the pleasure of waiting upon his + lordship at his agreeable house on Monday + next.--N.B. His wife is dead." + + J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. + + + Why, the Scotch tunes are just like a scolding, + nagging woman. They go on with the same + thing over and over again, and never come to a + reasonable end. Anybody 'ud think the Scotch tunes + had always been asking a question of somebody as deaf + as old Taft, and had never got an answer yet. + + _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. + + + _SOUL OF LADY._ + + Tell me, in this night of snow, + Of happy Almack's, or the Row! + Say in what carriages what fair + Consume the ice in Berkeley Square; + Or who in shops, with doubtful eye, + Explore the silks they never buy; + And how the hair is dressed in town, + And what the shape of boot and gown? + + + _WINDBAG._ + + Snow-mantled shadow, would you know + The fashions of the world below? + Still the coiled chignon starward towers, + Still false back-hair falls down in showers; + But now all subtle souls revert + To the abbreviated skirt, + Whose velvet _paniers_ just denote + The gown, that else were petticoat. + Nor is such _naïve_ attire enough: + Elizabeth's archaic ruff + Rings every neck; besides, they rival, + With a High-Gothic-Hat-Revival, + Old Mother Hubbard, and renew + Arcadianly the buckled shoe, + To show, what's just a trifle shocking, + The dimple of a snowy stocking. + + W. J. COURTHOPE, _The Paradise of Birds_. + + + Be virtuous, and you will be eccentric. + + MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. + + + _DON'T WE?_ + + We're informed that, in Happy Japan, + Folks are free to believe what they can; + But if they come teaching, + And preaching and screeching, + They go off to gaol in a van. + Don't you wish _this_ was Happy Japan? + + SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. + + + I hope I appreciate the value of children. We + should soon come to nothing without them. + Without them the common school would languish. + But the problem is, what to do with them in a + garden. For they are not good to eat, and there is a law + against making away with them. The law is not very + well enforced, it is true; for people do thin them out + with constant dosing, paregoric, and soothing-syrups, and + scanty clothing. But I, for one, feel it would not be + right, aside from the law, to take the life, even of the + smallest child, for the sake of a little fruit, more or less, + in the garden. I may be wrong; but these are my sentiments, + and I am not ashamed of them. + + C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. + + + _ON DR. TRAPP'S TRANSLATION OF VIRGIL._ + + Mind but thy preaching, Trapp; translate no further: + Is it not written, "Thou shall do no murder"? + + _The Poetical Farrago_ (1794). + + + Shortly before his death, being visited by a + clergyman whose features as well as language + were more lugubrious than consoling, Hood + looked up at him compassionately, and said, "My dear + sir! I'm afraid your religion doesn't agree with you." + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. + + + _ON GRAPES AND GRIPES._ + + In Spain, that land of monks and apes, + The thing called wine doth come from grapes; + But, on the noble river Rhine, + The thing called gripes doth come from wine. + + S. T. COLERIDGE, _apud_ J. C. YOUNG. + + + Of Diggle, Barham used to tell many absurd stories. + The most amusing of his practical jokes was one + in which Barham had a share. The two boys + having, in the course of one of their walks, discovered a + Quakers' meeting-house, forthwith procured a penny tart + of a neighbouring pastry-cook; furnished with this, + Diggle marched boldly into the building, and, holding up + the delicacy in the midst of the grave assembly, said with + perfect solemnity, "Whoever speaks first shall have this + pie." "Friend, go thy way," commenced a drab-coloured + gentleman, rising, "go thy way, and----" "The pie's + yours, sir!" exclaimed Master Diggle, politely, and + placing it before the astounded speaker, hastily effected + his escape. + + R. H. D. BARHAM, _Life of Barham_. + + + Talking of some poor relations who had been + recipients of his bounty for years, Compton + said, "Yes, sir, the whole tribe of them leaned + on me for years;" and then added, in his own peculiar + manner, "Forty years long was I grieved with this generation." + + _Memoir of Henry Compton._ + + + _THE ORANGE._ + + It ripen'd by the river banks, + Where, mask and moonlight aiding, + Dons Blas and Juan play their pranks, + Dark Donnas serenading. + + By Moorish damsel it was pluck'd, + Beneath the golden day there; + By swain 'twas then in London suck'd-- + Who flung the peel away there. + + He could not know in Pimlico, + As little she in Seville, + That _I_ should reel upon that peel, + And--wish them at the devil. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + Kenny said that Anthony Pasquin (who was a + very dirty fellow) "died of a cold caught by + washing his face." + + THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. + + + _ON THE PRINCE REGENT'S ILLNESS._ + + The Regent, sir, is taken ill; + And all depends on Halford's skill; + "Pray what," inquired the sage physician, + "Has brought him to this sad condition?" + When Bloomfield ventured to pronounce, + "A little too much Cherry Bounce," + The Regent, hearing what was said, + Raised from his couch his aching head, + And cried, "No, Halford, 'tis not so! + _Cure us, O_ doctor,--_Curaçoa!_" + + H. LUTTRELL, _apud_ BARHAM. + + + Brigham Young has two hundred wives. He + loves not wisely, but two hundred well. He's + dreadfully married. He's the most married man + I ever saw in my life. He says that all he wants now is + to live in peace for the remainder of his days, and have + his dying pillow soothed by the loving hands of his + family. Well, that's all right, I suppose; but if all his + family soothe his dying pillow, he'll have to go out-doors + to die. + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + And I said, "What is written, sweet sister, + At the opposite end of the room?" + She sobbed, as she answered, "All liquors + Must be paid for ere leaving the room." + + BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. + + + Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not + tell them so. + + LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. + + + The Walrus and the Carpenter + Were walking close at hand; + They wept like anything to see + Such quantities of sand: + "If this were only cleared away," + They said, "It _would_ be grand!" + + "If seven maids, with seven mops, + Swept it for half a year, + Do you suppose," the Walrus said, + "That they could get it clear?" + "I doubt it;" said the Carpenter, + And shed a bitter tear. + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Through the Looking-Glass_. + + + We easily convert our own vices into other people's + virtues, the virtues of others into vices. + + W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. + + + You'd better keep clear of love-letters, + Or write them with caution and care; + In faith, they may fasten your fetters, + If wearing a conjugal air. + + LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. + + + Against stupidity the gods themselves combat in + vain. + + HEINRICH HEINE, _Art Notes from Paris_. + + + _ON LOVE AND MARRIAGE._ + + 'Tis highly rational, we can't dispute, + That Love, being naked, should promote a suit; + But doth not oddity to him attach + Whose fire's so oft extinguished by a match? + + R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_. + + + Lord Shelburne could say the most provoking + things, and yet appear unconscious of + their being so. In one of his speeches, alluding + to Lord Carlisle, he said, "The noble lord has written + a comedy." "No, a tragedy." "Oh, I beg pardon, I + thought it was a comedy." + + ROGERS, _Table Talk_. + + + There's nought, no doubt, so much the spirit calms + As rum and true religion. + + LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. + + + She never speaks to any one, which is of course a + great advantage to any one. + + LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. + + + I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty + made 'em to match the men. + + _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. + + + "You didn't know I drew? I learnt at school." + "Perhaps you only learnt to draw your sword?" + "Why, that I can, of course--and also corks-- + And covers--haw! haw! haw! But what I mean, + Fortification--haw!--in Indian ink, + That sort of thing--and though I draw it mild, + Yet that--haw! haw!--that may be called my _forte_." + "Oh fie! for shame! where do you think you'll go + For making such a heap of foolish puns?" + "Why, to the Punjaub, I should think--haw! haw! + That sort of job, you know, would suit me best." + + C. J. CAYLEY, _Las Alforgas_. + + + Tout le monde se plaint de sa mémoire, et + personne ne se plaint de son jugement. + + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. + + + _ON THE HOUSE OF COMMONS_. + + When lately Pym descended into Hell, + Ere he the cups of Lethè did carouse, + What place that was, he callèd loud to tell; + To whom a Devil--"This is the Lower House." + + WILLIAM DRUMMOND (1585-1649). + + + The working-man is a noble creature--when he is + quite sober. + + _Alexis_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Sorcerer_. + + + _DEFENDANT'S SONG._ + + When first my old, old love I knew, + My bosom swelled with joy; + My riches at her feet I threw,-- + I was a love-sick boy! + No terms seemed too extravagant + Upon her to employ-- + I used to mope, and sigh, and pant, + Just like a love-sick boy! + + But joy incessant palls the sense, + And love, unchanged, will cloy, + And she became a bore intense + Unto her love-sick boy! + With fitful glimmer burnt my flame, + And I grew cold and coy, + At last, one morning, I became + Another's love-sick boy! + + W. S. GILBERT, _Trial by Jury_. + + + Dining one day where the host became exceedingly + excited and angry at not being able to + find any stuffing in a roasted leg of pork, Poole + quietly suggested, "Perhaps it is in the other leg?" + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. + + + In 1848, Feargus O'Connor was charged in the + House with being a republican. He denied it, + and said he did not care whether the Queen or + the Devil was on the throne. Peel replied: "When the + honourable gentleman sees the sovereign of his choice on + the throne of these realms, I hope he'll enjoy, and I'm + sure he'll deserve, the confidence of the Crown." + + ABRAHAM HAYWARD, _Essays_. + + + I loiter down by thorp and town; + For any job I'm willing; + Take here and there a dusty brown, + And here and there a shilling. + + I deal in every ware in turn, + I've rings for buddin' Sally, + That sparkle like those eyes of her'n; + I've liquor for the valet. + + The things I've done 'neath moon and stars + Have got me into messes; + I've seen the sky through prison bars, + I've torn up prison dresses. + + But out again I come, and show + My face, nor care a stiver; + For trades are brisk and trades are slow, + But mine goes on for ever. + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. + + + They may talk of the devotion of the sex, but the + most faithful attachment in life is that of a + woman in love--with herself. + + _Damas_, in LORD LYTTON's _Lady of Lyons_. + + + They may talk as they please about what they call pelf, + And how one ought never to think of one's self, + And how pleasures of thought surpass eating and drinking-- + My pleasure of thought is the pleasure of thinking + How pleasant it is to have money, heigh ho! + How pleasant it is to have money! + + _Spirit_, in A. H. CLOUGH's _Dipsychus_. + + + Women are generally consistent in their insincerity, + if in nothing else. + + ANNA C. STEELE. + + + La plus perdue de toutes les journées est celle où + l'on n'a pas ri. + + CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. + + + Oh, how can a modest young man + E'er hope for the smallest progression-- + The profession's already so full + Of lawyers so full of profession? + + JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. + + + I was speaking [to Charles Lamb] of my first brief, + when he asked, "Did you not exclaim-- + 'Thou great first cause, least understood'?" + + CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. + + + Eye-glass--a toy which enables a coxcomb to + see others, and others to see that he is a + coxcomb. + + HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. + + + Some brag of telegraphs and rails, + Coals, steam, and gas, and a' that, + But rattling mails and cotton bales + Ne'er made a man for a' that; + For a' that, and a' that, + Their figures, facts, and a' that, + The first of facts is Thought, and what + High Thought begets, for a' that! + + J. S. BLACKIE, _Musa Burschicosa_. + + + Virginia city--the wild young metropolis of the + new Silver State. Fortunes are made there in + a day. There are instances on record of young + men going to this place without a shilling--poor and + friendless--yet by energy, intelligence, and a careful + disregard to business, they have been enabled to leave + there, owing hundreds of pounds. + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + Nothing is accounted so proper in England as + property. + + _Guesses at Truth._ + + + As the husband is, the wife is,--he is stomach-plagued and old; + And his curry soups will make thy cheek the colour of his gold. + + When his feeble love is sated, he will hold thee surely then + Something lower than his hookah,--something less than his cayenne. + + What is this? His eyes are pinky. Was't the claret? Oh, no, no-- + Bless your soul! it was the salmon--salmon always makes him so. + + _Bon Gaultier Ballads._ + + + A clergyman had commenced an able discourse, + when one of the hearers exclaimed, + "That's Tillotson!" This was allowed to pass; + but very soon another exclamation followed, "That's + Paley." The preacher then addressed the disturber: "I + tell you, sir, if there is to be a repetition of such conduct, + I shall call on the churchwarden to have you removed + from the church." "That's your own," was the ready + reply. + + MARK BOYD, _Reminiscences_. + + + College mostly makes people like bladders--just + good for nothing but t' hold the stuff as is poured + into 'em. + + _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. + + + Werther had a love for Charlotte + Such as words could never utter; + Would you know how first he met her? + She was cutting bread and butter. + + So he sighed and pined and ogled, + And his passion boiled and bubbled, + Till he blew his silly brains out, + And no more was by it troubled. + + Charlotte, having seen his body + Borne before her on a shutter, + Like a well-conducted person, + Went on cutting bread and butter. + + W. M. THACKERAY. + + + Perhaps the best illustration I can give of + [Bagehot's] more sardonic humour, was his + remark to a friend who had a church on the + grounds near his house:--"Ah, you've got the church + in the grounds! I like that. It's well the tenants + shouldn't be _quite_ sure that the landlord's power stops + with this world." + + R. H. HUTTON, _Memoir of W. Bagehot_. + + + _ON WIVES._ + + All wives are bad,--yet two blest hours they give, + When first they wed, and when they cease to live. + + PALLADAS, trans. by J. H. MERIVALE. + + + "Yes, my dear curate," said the Professor, "what + I am enjoying is the champagne that you + drink, and what you are enjoying is the champagne + that I drink. This is altruism; this is benevolence; + this is the sublime outcome of enlightened + modern thought. The pleasures of the table, in themselves, + are low and beastly ones; but if we each of us + are only glad because the others are enjoying them, they + become holy and glorious beyond description." + + "They do," cried the curate rapturously, "indeed they + do. I will drink another bottle for your sake." + + W. H. MALLOCK, _The New Paul and Virginia_. + + + Some d--d people have come in, and I must stop. + By d--d, I mean deuced. + + LAMB to WORDSWORTH. + + + Ours is so far-advanced an age! + Sensation-tales, a classic stage, + Commodious villas! + We boast high art, an Albert Hall, + Australian meats, and men who call + Their sires gorillas! + + AUSTIN DOBSON, _Vignettes in Rhyme_. + + + It being asked at Paris whom they would have as + godfather for Rothschild's baby--"Talleyrand," + said a Frenchman. "Pourquoi, monsieur?" + "Parcequ'il est le moins chrétien possible." + + B. R. HAYDON, _Diary_. + + + Before the blast are driven the flying clouds-- + (And I should like to blow a cloud as well,) + The vapours wrap the mountain-tops in shrouds-- + (I left my mild cheroots at the hotel.) + Dotting the glassy surface of the stream, + (Oh, here's a cigarette--my mind's at ease.) + The boats move silently, as in a dream-- + (Confound it! where on earth are my fusees?) + + H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_. + + + Emile de Girardin, the famous political writer, a + natural son of Alexandre de Girardin, becoming + celebrated, Montrond said to his father, + "Dépêchez-vous de le reconnaître, ou bientôt il ne + vous reconnaîtra pas." + + GRONOW, _Recollections_. + + + Marriage from love, like vinegar from wine-- + A sad, sour, sober beverage,--by time + Is sharpen'd from its high celestial flavour, + Down to a very homely household savour. + + LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. + + + Lettuce is like conversation; it must be fresh, + and crisp, so sparkling that you scarcely notice + the bitter in it. Lettuce, like conversation, + requires a good deal of oil, to avoid friction, and + keep the company smooth; a pinch of attic salt; a + dash of pepper; a quantity of mustard and vinegar, by + all means, but so mixed that you will notice no sharp + contrasts; and a trifle of sugar. + + C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. + + + _MARTIAL IN LONDON._ + + Exquisite wine and comestibles + From Slater, and Fortnum and Mason; + Billiards, écarté, and chess-tables; + Water in vast marble basin; + Luminous books (not voluminous) + To read under beech-trees cacuminous; + One friend, who is fond of a distich, + And doesn't get too syllogistic; + A valet who knows the complete art + Of service--a maiden, his sweetheart;-- + Give me these, in some rural pavilion, + And I'll envy no Rothschild his million. + + MORTIMER COLLINS, in _The Owl_. + + + He was much too disliked not to be sought after. + Whatever is once notorious, even for being + disagreeable, is sure to be coveted. + + LORD LYTTON's _Pelham_. + + + _TO GIBBS, CONCERNING HIS POEMS._ + + You ask me if I think your poems good; + If I could praise your poems, Gibbs,--I would. + + EGERTON WEBBE, _apud_ LEIGH HUNT. + + + What I admire in the order to which you belong + [the aristocracy], is that they do live in the air, + that they excel in athletic sports; that they can + only speak one language; and that they never read. + This is not a complete education, but it is the highest + education since the Greek. + + _Phoebus_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Lothair_. + + + _RELIABLE._ + + (A MILD PROTEST.) + + Shut up a party who uses "Reliable" + When he means "Trustworthy;" 'tis undeniable + That his excuses are flimsy and friable, + And his conceptions of grammar most pliable. + No doubt he'd pronounce this line's last word "enviable:" + Invent, for bad fish (which he'd sell) the word "criable," + Say that his faded silk hat might be dyeable, + And accent French vilely--allude to _le diable_. + If his name's William, 'twould be most enj'yable + To see Mr. Calcraft preparing to tie a Bill. + Now let Punch hope he has stamped out "Reliable." + + SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. + + + "I see," said my clerical neighbour, addressing + myself, "you stick to port." "Yes," I said, + "and so am safe from being half-seas over." + + W. H. HARRISON, _Reminiscences_. + + + All tradesmen cry up their own wares: + In this they agree well together: + The Mason by stone and lime swears; + The Tanner is always for leather; + The Smith still for iron would go; + The Schoolmaster stands up for teaching; + And the Parson would have you to know + There's nothing on earth like his preaching. + + LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. + + + Matrimony--the high sea for which no compass + has yet been invented. + + HEINRICH HEINE, _Musical Notes from Paris_. + + + O daughters! make your markets while you can, + For bloom soon groweth as the water wan; + The early bird picks up the marrying man. + + _Once a Week._ + + + He was the most even-tempered man I ever knew: + he was always cross. + + MRS. JENKINS, _Within an Ace_. + + + I have a horse--a ryghte good horse-- + Ne doe I envie those + Who scour ye plaine in headie course, + Tyll soddaine on theyre nose + They lyghte wyth unexpected force-- + It ys--a horse of clothes. + + I have a saddel--"Sayst thou soe? + With styrruppes, knyghte, to boote?" + I sayde not that--I answere "Noe,"-- + Yt lacketh such, I woot-- + It ys a mutton-saddel, loe! + Parte of ye fleecie brute. + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Phantasmagoria_. + + + Story of Lord Middleton, out hunting, calling to + Gunter the confectioner to "Hold hard," and + not ride over the hounds. "My horse is so hot, + my Lord, that I don't know what to do with him." "Ice + him, Gunter, ice him." + + R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. + + + She's rising now, and taking off her bonnet, + And probably will end by sitting on it; + For oft, as sad experiences teach, + The novice, trembling from his maiden speech, + Drops flustered in his place, and crushes flat + His innocent and all-unconscious hat. + + _2nd Lady_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Ladies in Parliament_. + + + _ON A LEFT-HANDED WRITING-MASTER._ + + Though Nature thee of thy right hand bereft, + Right well thou writest with the hand that's left. + + FRANCIS FULLER, _apud_ NICHOLLS. + + + We are never so much disposed to quarrel with + others, as when we are dissatisfied with ourselves. + + W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. + + + The cockney, met in Middlesex, or Surrey, + Is often cold, and always in a hurry. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + Speaking one day of a newly risen sect of religionists + who proscribed the use of animal food, + the Archbishop [Whately] said to Dr. Wilson, + "Do you know anything, Wilson, of this new sect?" + "Yes, my Lord; I have seen their confession of faith, + which is a book of cookery." + + E. J. WHATELY's _Life of Whately_. + + + And I do think the amateur cornopean + Should be put down by law--but that's perhaps Utopian. + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_. + + + Le premier soupir de l'amour est le dernier de la + sagesse. + + CHARRON, _La Sagesse_. + + + For he himself has said it, + And it's greatly to his credit, + That he is an Englishman! + For he might have been a Roosian, + A French, or Turk, or Proosian, + Or perhaps Italian! + But in spite of all temptations + To belong to other nations, + He remains an Englishman! + + W. S. GILBERT, _H.M.S. Pinafore_. + + + Baron Alderson being asked by the chaplain + of the High Sheriff at the assizes over which he + was to preside, how long he would like him to + preach, replied, "About half an hour, with a leaning to + mercy." + + J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. + + + _ON EVENING DRESS._ + + When dress'd for the evening, girls, nowadays, + Scarce an atom of dress on them leave; + Nor blame them--for what is an Evening Dress, + But a dress that is suited to Eve? + + ANON. + + + It's the silliest lie a sensible man like you ever + believed, to say a woman makes a house comfortable. + It's a story got up, because the women + are there, and something must be found for 'em to do. + I tell you there isn't a thing under the sun that needs to + be done at all, but what a man can do better than a + woman, unless it's bearing children, and they do that in + a poor make-shift way. It had better ha' been left to + the men. + + _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. + + + To sniggle or to dibble, that's the question! + Whether to bait a hook with worm or bumble, + Or to take up arms of any sea, some trouble + To fish, and then home send 'em. To fly--to whip-- + To moor and tie my boat up by the end + To any wooden post, or natural rock + We may be near to, on a Preservation + Devoutly to be fished. To fly--to whip-- + To whip! perchance two bream;--and there's the chub! + + F. C. BURNAND, _Happy Thoughts_. + + + Anecdote of Phil Stone, the property-man of + Drury Lane:--"Will you be so good, sir, as to + stand a little backer?" said Phil to a gentleman + behind the scenes, who had placed himself so forward as + to be seen by the audience. "No, my fine fellow," returned + the exquisite, who quite mistook his meaning; + "but here is a pinch of snuff at your service." + + R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. + + + At a friend's house Charles Lamb was presented + with a cheese; it was a very ripe, not to say a + lively cheese, and, as Lamb was leaving, his + friend offered him a piece of paper in which to wrap it, + so that he might convey it more conveniently. "Thank + you," said Charles, "but would not several yards of + twine be better, and then, you know, I could _lead_ it + home?" + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. + + + "A loaf of bread," the Walrus said, + "Is what we chiefly need; + Pepper and vinegar besides + Are very good indeed-- + Now, if you're ready, Oysters dear, + We can begin to feed." + + "But not on us," the Oysters cried, + Turning a little blue. + "After such kindness, that would be + A dismal thing to do!" + "The night is fine," the Walrus said; + "Do you admire the view?" + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Through the Looking-Glass_. + + + Religion is like the fashion. One man wears + his doublet slashed, another laced, another plain; + but every man has a doublet: so every man has + his religion. We differ about the trimming. + + SELDEN, _Table Talk_. + + + Romances paint at full length people's wooings, + But only give a bust of marriages; + For no one cares for matrimonial cooings, + There's nothing wrong in a connubial kiss. + + LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. + + + A young lady decorously brought up should only + have two considerations in her choice of a + husband: first, is his birth honourable? secondly, + will his death be advantageous? All other trifling details + should be left to parental anxiety. + + _Madame Deschappelles_, in LORD LYTTON's _Lady of Lyons_. + + + "The doctor's as drunk as the d----," we said, + And we managed a shutter to borrow; + We rais'd him, and sigh'd at the thought that his head + Would consumedly ache on the morrow. + + We bore him home and we put him to bed, + And we told his wife and his daughter + To give him next morning a couple of red- + Herrings with soda-water. + + Slowly and sadly we all walked down + From his room in the uppermost story; + A rush-light we placed on the cold hearth-stone, + And left him alone in his glory. + + R. H. BARHAM, _Ingoldsby Lyrics_. + + + Benjamin Franklin was always proud of + telling how he entered Philadelphia, for the first + time, with nothing in the world but two shillings + in his pocket and four rolls of bread under his arm. But + really, when you come to examine it critically, it was + nothing. Anybody could have done it. + + MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. + + + I've thought very often 'twould be a good thing + In all public collections of books, if a wing + Were set off by itself, like the seas from the dry lands, + Marked "_Literature suited to desolate islands_",14113 + And filled with such books as could never be read + Save by readers of proofs, forced to do it for bread,-- + Such books as one's wrecked on in small country taverns, + Such as hermits might mortify over in caverns, + Such as Satan, if printing had then been invented, + As a climax of woe, would to Jove have presented, + Such as Crusoe might dip in, although there are few so + Outrageously cornered by fate as poor Crusoe. + + J. R. LOWELL, _A Fable for Critics_. + + + _Bellmour._ Ah! courtship to marriage is but + as the music in the play-house till the curtain's + drawn; but that once up, then opens the scene + of pleasure. + _Belinda._ Oh, foh--no; rather, courtship to marriage + is a very witty prologue to a very dull play. + + CONGREVE, _The Old Bachelor_. + + + _ON HEARING A LADY PRAISE A CERTAIN + REV. DOCTOR'S EYES._ + + I cannot praise the Doctor's eyes; + I never saw his glance divine; + He always shuts them when he prays, + And when he preaches he shuts mine. + + G. OUTRAM, _Lyrics: Legal, etc._ + + + This picture is a great work of art. It is an oil + painting--done in petroleum. It is by the Old + Masters. It was the last thing they did before + dying. They did this and then they expired. + + Some of the greatest artists in London come here + every morning before daylight with lanterns to look at it. + They say they never saw anything like it before--and + they hope they never shall again. + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + _THE WORLD._ + + The world is like a rink, you know: + You lose your _wheel_, and come to woe! + + J. ASHBY STERRY, in _English Epigrams_. + + + Men will sooner forgive an injury than an insult. + + LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. + + + Why is it that stupid people are always so much + more anxious to talk to one, than clever people? + + CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. + + + And Darwin, too, who leads the throng "in vulgum voces spargere," + Maintains Humanity is nought except a big menagerie, + The progeny of tailless apes, sharp-eared but puggy-nosed, sir, + Who nightly climbed their "family trees," and on the top reposed, sir. + + There's Carlyle, on the other hand, whose first and last concern it is + To preach up the "immensities" and muse on the "eternities"; + But if one credits what one hears, the gist of all his brag is, sir, + That "Erbwürst," rightly understood, is transcendental haggis, sir. + + F. D., in _Pall Mall Gazette_. + + + _DUNSFORD._ Travelling is a great trial of people's + inability to live together. + _Ellesmere._ Yes. Lavater says that you do + not know a man until you have divided an inheritance + with him; but I think a long journey with him will do. + + ARTHUR HELPS, _Friends in Council_. + + _ON AN ALDERMAN._ + + That he was born it cannot be denied; + He ate, drank, slept, talk'd politics, and died. + + JOHN CUNNINGHAM (1729-1773). + + + At a large dinner party at Jerdan's, one of the + guests indulged in some wonderful accounts of + his shooting. The number of birds he had + killed, and the distances at which he had brought them + down, were extraordinary. Hood quietly remarked,-- + "What he hit is history, + What he missed is mystery." + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. + + + I'm very fond of water: + It ever must delight + Each mother's son or daughter-- + When qualified aright. + + LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. + + + An epicure, while eating oysters, swallowed one that + was not fresh. "Zounds, waiter!" he ejaculated, + making a wry face; "what sort of an oyster do + you call this?" "A native, sir," replied the wielder of the + knife. "A native!--I call it a _settler_, so you need not + open any more." + + HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. + + + Once Uncle went astray, + Smoked, joked, and swore away-- + Sworn by he's now, by a + Large congregation. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + You've heard what a lady in Italy did-- + How to vex a cross husband she buried a "kid!" + Sam swears she'd have managed things better by half + If, instead of the "kid," she had buried the calf! + + R. H. BARHAM, _Ingoldsby Lyrics_. + + + Il est plus facile de légaliser certaines choses que + de les légitimer. + + CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. + + + Wilt thou love me, fairest? + Though thou art not fair, + And I think thou wearest + Some one else's hair. + Thou couldst love, though, dearly: + And, as I am told, + Thou art very nearly + Worth thy weight, in gold. + + Dost thou love, sweet one? + Tell me if thou dost! + Women fairly beat one, + But I think thou must. + Thou art loved so dearly: + I am plain, but then + Thou (to speak sincerely) + Art as plain again. + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. + + + "Certainly, my Lord," said the attendant. + "He knows me," thought Lothair; but it + was not so. When the British nation is at + once grateful and enthusiastic, they always call you "my + Lord." + + LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Lothair_. + + + _THE RECOGNITION._ + + Home they brought her sailor son, + Grown a man across the sea, + Tall and broad and black of beard, + And hoarse of voice as man may be. + + Hand to shake and mouth to kiss, + Both he offered ere he spoke; + And she said--"What man is this + Comes to play a sorry joke?" + + Then they praised him--call'd him "smart," + "Tightest lad that ever stept;" + But her son she did not know, + And she neither smiled nor wept. + + Rose, a nurse of ninety years, + Set a pigeon-pie in sight; + She saw him eat--"'Tis he! 'tis he!" + She knew him--by his appetite! + + WILLAM SAWYER. + + + Lord Allen, being rather the worse for drinking + too much wine at dinner, teased Count D'Orsay, + and said some very disagreeable things, which + irritated him; when suddenly John Bush entered the + club and shook hands with the Count, who exclaimed, + "Voilà, la différence entre une bonne _bouche_ et une mauvaise + _haleine_." + + GRONOW, _Recollections_. + + + _ANOTHER WAY._ + + When lovely woman, Lump of Folly, + Would show the world her vainest trait; + Would treat herself as child her dolly, + And warn each man of sense away; + The surest method she'll discover + To prompt a wink from every eye, + Degrade a spouse, disgust a lover, + And spoil a scalp-skin, is--to dye. + + SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. + + + The bean is a graceful, confiding, engaging vine; + but you can never put beans into poetry, nor + into the highest sort of prose. Corn is the child + of song. It waves in all literature. But mix it with + beans, and its high tone is gone. The bean is a vulgar + vegetable, without culture, or any flavour of high society + among vegetables. + + C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. + + + Then Abner Dean of Angel's raised a point of order, when + A church of old red sandstone took him in the abdomen, + And he smiled a kind of sickly smile, and curled up on the floor, + And the subsequent proceedings interested him no more. + + BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. + + + "I was born, Signora, on New Year's Night, + 1800." "Did I not tell you," said the Marquis, + "that he is one of the first men of our century?" + + HEINRICH HEINE, _Travel Pictures_. + + + When dinner has opprest one, + I think it is perhaps the gloomiest hour + Which turns up out of the sad twenty-four. + + LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. + + + As a boy, George Washington gave no promise of + the greatness he was one day to achieve. He + was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments + of youth. He could not even lie. But then he + never had any of those precious advantages which are + within the reach of the humblest of the boys of the + present day. Any boy can lie now. I could lie before + I could stand. + + MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. + + + By the way, Shakespeare endorses polygamy. He + speaks of the Merry Wives of Windsor. How + many wives did Mr. Windsor have? + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + I dare say she's like the rest o' the women-- + thinks two and two'll come to make five, if she + cries and bothers enough about it. + + _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. + + + Don't you see a hint of marriage + In his sober-sided face, + In his rather careless carriage + And extremely rapid pace? + + If he's not committed treason, + Or some wicked action done, + Can you see the faintest reason + Why a bachelor should run? + + Why should he be in a flurry? + But a loving wife to greet, + Is a circumstance to hurry + The most dignified of feet! + + JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. + + + Mr. Luttrell once said to me, "Sir, the man + who says he does not like a good dinner, is + either a fool or a liar." + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. + + + _TO PHOEBE._ + + "Gentle, modest little flower, + Sweet epitome of May, + Love me but for half an hour, + Love me, love me, little fay." + Sentences so swiftly flaming + In your tiny shell-like ear, + I should always be exclaiming + If I loved you, Phoebe dear: + + "Smiles that thrill from any distance + Shed upon me while I sing! + Please ecstaticize existence, + Love me, oh thou, fairy thing!" + Words like these outpouring sadly + You'd perpetually hear, + If I loved you fondly, madly;-- + But I do not, Phoebe dear. + + W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_. + + + On one occasion, when Power the actor was + present, Hood was asked to propose his health. + After enumerating the various talents that popular + comedian possessed, he requested the company to + observe that such a combination was a remarkable + illustration of the old proverb, "It never rains but it + _powers_." + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. + + + I dreamed that somebody was dead. It was a + private gentleman, and a particular friend; and + I was greatly overcome when the news was + broken to me (very delicately) by a gentleman in a + cocked hat, top boots, and a sheet. Nothing else. + "Good God!" I said, "is he dead?" "He is as dead, + sir," rejoined the gentleman, "as a door nail. But we + must all die, Mr. Dickens, sooner or later, my dear sir." + "Ah!" I said; "yes, to be sure. Very true. But + what did he die of?" The gentleman burst into a flood + of tears, and said, in a voice broken by emotion, "He + christened his youngest child, sir, with a toasting fork!" + + CHARLES DICKENS, _apud_ J. T. FIELDS. + + + I suppose all phrases of mere compliment have + their turn to be true. A man is occasionally + thankful when he says "thank you." + + _Stephen Guest_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Mill on the Floss_. + + + _ON ATALANTA._ + + When the young Greek for Atalanta sigh'd, + He might have fool'd and follow'd till he died! + He learn'd the sex, the bribe before her roll'd, + And found, the short way to the heart, is--Gold. + + GEORGE CROLY (1780-1860). + + + _De mortuis nil nisi bene_: of the living speak nothing + but evil. + + HEINRICH HEINE, _Thoughts and Fancies_. + + + I once met a man who had forgiven an injury. + I hope some day to meet the man who has forgiven + an insult. + + CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. + + + Walk in the Park--you'll seldom fail + To find a Sybaris on the rail + By Lydia's ponies, + Or hap on Barrus, wigged, and stayed, + Ogling some unsuspecting maid. + + The great Gargilius, then, behold! + His "long-bow" hunting tales of old + Are now but duller; + Fair Neobule too! Is not + One Hebrus here--from Aldershot? + Aha, you colour! + Be wise. There old Canidia sits; + No doubt she's tearing you to bits. + + Here's Pyrrha, "golden-haired" at will; + Prig Damasippus, preaching still; + Asterie flirting,-- + Radiant, of course. We'll make her black,-- + Ask her when Gyges' ship comes back. + + AUSTIN DOBSON, _Vignettes in Rhyme_. + + + La reconnaissance de la plupart des hommes n'est + qu'une secrète envie de recevoir de plus grands + bienfaits. + + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. + + + The surest way to make ourselves agreeable to + others is by seeming to think them so. + + W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. + + + _SELF-EVIDENT._ + + When other lips and other eyes + Their tales of love shall tell, + Which means the usual sort of lies + You've heard from many a swell; + When, bored with what you feel is bosh, + You'd give the world to see + A friend whose love you know will wash, + Oh, then remember me! + + When Signor Solo goes his tours, + And Captain Craft's at Ryde, + And Lord Fitzpop is on the moors, + And Lord knows who beside; + When to exist you feel a task + Without a friend at tea, + At such a moment I but ask + That you'll remember me. + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. + + + When a man is called stingy, it is as much as calling + him rich; and when a man's called rich, why + he's a man universally respected. + + _Sir John Vesey_, in LORD LYTTON's _Money_. + + + Cursed be the Bank of England notes, that tempt the soul to sin! + Cursed be the want of acres,--doubly cursed the want of tin! + + Cursed be the marriage-contract, that enslaved thy soul to greed! + Cursed be the sallow lawyer, that prepared and drew the deed! + + Cursed be his foul apprentice, who the loathsome fees did earn! + Cursed be the clerk and parson--cursed be the whole concern! + + _Bon Gaultier Ballads._ + + + Never hold anybody by the button, or the hand, + in order to be heard out; for, if people are not + willing to hear you, you had much better hold + your tongue than them. + + LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. + + + I have learned to love Lucy, though faded she be; + If my next love be lovely, the better for me; + By the end of next summer, I'll give you my oath, + It was best, after all, to have flirted with both. + + CHARLES GODFREY LELAND. + + + General Ornano, observing a certain nobleman--who, + by some misfortune in his youth, + lost the use of his legs--in a Bath chair, which + he wheeled about, and inquiring the name of the + English peer, D'Orsay answered, "Père la Chaise." + + GRONOW, _Recollections_. + + + Poet-professor! Now my brain thou kindlest: + I am become a most determined Tyndallist. + If it is known a fellow can make skies, + Why not make bright blue eyes? + + This to deny the folly of a dunce it is: + Surely a girl as easy as a sunset is? + If you can make a halo or eclipse, + Why not two laughing lips? + + Why should an author scribble rhymes or articles? + Bring me a dozen tiny Tyndall-particles: + Therefrom I'll coin a dinner, Nash's wine, + And a nice girl to dine. + + MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_. + + + They now speak of the peculiar difficulties and + restrictions of the Episcopal Office. I only + read in Scripture of two inhibitions--boxing and + polygamy. + + SYDNEY SMITH, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. + + + _ON AN OFFERING MADE BY KING JAMES I. AT + A GRAVE COMEDY CALLED "THE MARRIAGE + OF ARTS."_ + + At Christ Church "Marriage," play'd before the King, + Lest these learn'd mates should want an offering, + The King himself did offer--what, I pray? + He offer'd, once or twice--to go away. + + _A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727). + + + ---- has only two ideas, and they are his legs, and + they are spindle-shanked. + + LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. + + + Dry as Compton's fun, + Dry as author's pocket; + Bright as that loved one + Whose face adorns my locket; + At the beaker's brim + Beading brittle bubbles, + Sea in which to swim, + And cast away all troubles; + Sea where sorrow sinks, + Ne'er to rise again--oh, + Blessedest of drinks, + Welcome, "Pommery Gréno!" + + EDMUND YATES. + + + _ON CLOSE-FIST'S SUBSCRIPTION._ + + The charity of Close-Fist, give to fame:-- + He has at last subscrib'd--how much?--his name. + + ANON. + + + The late Bishop of Exeter and Baron Alderson + were sitting next each other at a public dinner. + After the usual toasts had been drunk, the + health of "The Navy" was proposed. Lord Campbell, + expecting to have to return thanks for "The Bar," + and not having heard the toast distinctly, got up. On + which the late bishop whispered to Baron Alderson, + "What is Campbell about? What is he returning thanks + for the Navy for?" "Oh," answered the witty judge, + "he has made a mistake. He thinks the word is + spelt with a K." + + J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. + + + Song-birds darted about, some inky + As coal, some snowy (I ween) as curds; + Or rosy as pinks, or as roses pinky-- + They reck of no eerie To-come, these birds! + + But they skim over bents which the mill-stream washes, + Or hang in the lift 'neath a white cloud's hem; + They need no parasols, no goloshes; + And good Mrs. Trimmer she feedeth them. + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. + + + The man who's fond precociously of stirring + Must be a spoon. + + THOMAS HOOD. + + + _ON ONE PETER AND HIS WIFE._ + + Outrageous hourly with his wife was Peter; + Some do aver he has been known to beat her. + "She seems unhappy," said a friend one day; + Peter turn'd sharply: "What is that you say? + Her temper you have there misunderstood: + She dares not be unhappy if she would." + + WALTER SAVAGE LANDOR. + + + A man who puts a non-natural strained sense on a + promise is no better than a robber. + + _Rev. A. Debarry_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Felix Holt_. + + + _DISTICH._ + + What is a first love worth except to prepare for a second? + What does the second love bring? Only regret for the first. + + JOHN HAY, _Poems_. + + + In [Lady Charlotte Lindsay's] later days, when once + complimented on looking very well, she replied, + "I dare say it's true--the bloom of ugliness is + past." + + LORD HOUGHTON, _Monographs_. + + + _IN VIRTUTEM._ + + Virtue we praise, yet practise not her good. + (Athenian-like) we act not what we know. + So many men do talk of Robin Hood + Who never yet shot arrow from his bow. + + THOMAS FREEMAN (_circa_ 1591-1614). + + + Scandal--what one half the world takes a + pleasure in inventing, and the other half in + believing. + + HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. + + + _All's for the best_, indeed + Such is My simple creed; + Still I must go and weed + Hard in my garden. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + Where's the use of talking to a woman with + babbies? She's got no conscience--no conscience--it's + all run to milk. + + _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. + + + Together must we seek + That undiscovered country, from whose bourn + No uncommercial travellers return. + + _Brutus_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Horace at Athens_. + + + The Mormon's religion is singular, and his wives + are plural. + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + At morning's call + The small-voiced pug-dog welcomes in the sun, + And flea-bit mongrels, wakening one by one, + Give answer all. + + When evening dim + Draws round us, then the lovely caterwaul, + Tart solo, sour duet, and general squall, + These are our hymn. + + OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. + + + Charles Lamb was sitting next some chattering + woman at dinner. Observing he didn't attend + to her, "You don't seem," said the lady, "to be + at all the better for what I have been saying to you." + "No, ma'am," he answered, "but this gentleman on the + other side of me must, for it all came in at one ear and + went out at the other." + + THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. + + + Forty times over let Michaelmas pass, + Grizzling hair the brain doth clear-- + Then you know a boy is an ass, + Then you know the worth of a lass, + Once you have come to Forty Year. + + W. M. THACKERAY. + + + Men are not troubled to hear a man dispraised, + because they know, though he be naught, + there's worth in others. But women are mightily + troubled to hear any one of them spoken against, as if + the sex itself were guilty of some untrustworthiness. + + SELDEN, _Table Talk_. + + + _'TWAS EVER THUS._ + + I never rear'd a young gazelle, + (Because, you see, I never tried); + But, had it known and loved me well, + No doubt the creature would have died. + My rich and aged uncle John + Has known me long and loves me well, + But still persists in living on-- + I would he were a young gazelle. + + I never loved a tree or flower; + But, if I _had_, I beg to say + The blight, the wind, the sun, or shower, + Would soon have wither'd it away. + I've dearly loved my uncle John, + From childhood till the present hour, + And yet he will go living on,-- + I would he were a tree or flower! + + H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_. + + + A domestic woman.--A woman like a + domestic. + + ANNE EVANS, _Poems and Music_. + + + "The time has come," the Walrus said, + "To talk of many things; + Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax-- + Of cabbages--and kings-- + And why the sea is boiling hot-- + And whether pigs have wings." + + "But wait a bit," the Oysters cried, + "Before we have our chat; + For some of us are out of breath, + And all of us are fat!" + "No hurry!" said the Carpenter: + They thanked him much for that. + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Through the Looking-Glass_. + + + Ignorance is not so damnable as humbug, but + when it prescribes pills it may happen to do + more harm. + + _Felix Holt_, in GEORGE ELIOT's novel. + + + I push aside the blinding books; + The reverend pages seem to wink; + Each _letter_ like a _dozen_ looks, + Which _doesn't let a_ student think. + Within my ears I hear a "thrum;" + Before my eyes there floats a haze; + And mocking shadows flit and come, + And make my _nights_ a constant _daze_! + + ROBERT REECE, in _Comic Poets_. + + + Orthodoxy is at a low ebb. Only two clergymen + accepted my offer to come and help hoe + my potatoes for the privilege of using my + vegetable total-depravity figure about the snake-grass, + or quash-grass, as some call it; and these two did not + bring hoes. There seems to be a lack of disposition to + hoe among our educated clergy. + + C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. + + + _HOME THEY BROUGHT._ + + Home they brought her lap-dog dead, + Just run over by a fly; + Jeames to Buttons, winking, said, + "Won't there be a row? oh my!" + + Then they called the flyman low, + Said his baseness could be proved, + How she to the Beak should go,-- + Yet she neither spoke nor moved. + + Said her maid (and risked her place) + "In the 'ouse it should have kept, + Flymen drives at such a pace"-- + Still the lady's anger slept. + + Rose her husband, best of dears, + Laid a bracelet on her knee, + Like a playful child she boxed his ears,-- + "Sweet old pet!--let's have some tea!" + + SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. + + + _ON BLESSED IGNORANCE._ + + He is most happy, sure, that knoweth nought, + Because he knows not that he knoweth not. + + ROBERT HEATH (_circa_ 1585-1607). + + + Alone amid the festive throng + One infant brow is sad! + One cherub face is wet with grief,-- + What ails you, little lad? + + Why still with scarifying sleeve + That woful visage scrub? + Ah, much I fear, my gentle boy, + You don't enjoy your grub. + + Here, on a sympathetic heart, + Your tale of suffering pour. + Come, darling! Tell me all. "_Boo--boo-- + I can't eat any more!_" + + H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Puck on Pegasus_. + + + Never take a sheet-bath--never. Next to meeting + a lady acquaintance who, for reasons best known + to herself, don't see you when she looks at you, + and don't know you when she sees you, it is about the + most uncomfortable thing in the world. + + MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. + + + The critic's lot is passing hard-- + Between ourselves, I think reviewers, + When call'd to truss a crowing bard, + Should not be sparing of the skewers. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + To-morrow the critics will commence. You + know who the critics are? The men who have + failed in literature and art. + + _Phoebus_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Lothair_. + + + That climax of all human ills-- + The inflammation of his weekly bills. + + LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. + + + On n'a guère de défauts qui ne soient plus pardonnables + que les moyens dont on se sert pour les + cacher. + + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. + + + Meeting a friend one day, when the weather had + taken a most sudden and unaccountable turn + from cold to warmth, the subject was mooted + as usual, and characterized by the gentleman as being + "most extraordinary." "Yes," replied [Compton], "it + is a most unheard of thing; we've jumped from winter + into summer without a spring." + + _Memoir of Henry Compton._ + + + "Pray what is this Permissive Bill, + That some folks rave about? + I can't with all my pains and skill, + Its meaning quite make out?" + O! it's a little simple Bill, + That seeks to pass _incog._, + To _permit_ ME--to _prevent_ YOU-- + From having a glass of grog. + + LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. + + + Quelque mal qu'un homme puisse penser des + femmes, il n'y a pas de femme qui n'en pense + encore plus mal que lui. + + CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. + + + With thy fogs, all so thick and so yellow, + The most approved tint for _ennui_, + Oh, when shall a man see thy fellow, + November, for _felo-de-se_? + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. + + + "Life," continued Mr. Rose, "is a series of + moments and emotions." + "And a series of absurdities, too, very + often," said Dr. Jenkinson. + "Life is a solemn mystery," said Mr. Stocks, severely. + "Life is a damned nuisance," muttered Leslie to himself. + + W. H. MALLOCK, _The New Republic_. + + + The world's an ugly world. Offend + Good people, how they wrangle! + Their manners that they never mend,-- + The characters they mangle! + They eat, and drink, and scheme, and plod,-- + They go to church on Sunday; + And many are afraid of God-- + And more of _Mrs. Grundy_. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + I went away the first, in order to give the men an + opportunity of abusing me; for whenever the + men abuse, the women, to support alike their + coquetry and the conversation, think themselves called + upon to defend. + + _Pelham_, in LORD LYTTON's novel. + + + There's one John Bright, a Manchester man, + Who taught the Tories to rule, + By setting their stamp on his patent plan + For renewing the youth of John Bull; + But I say that it won't do at all. + To seek for salvation + By mere numeration + Of polls would surprise, + If they were to rise, + Not a little both Plato and Paul. + + J. S. BLACKIE, _Musa Burschicosa_. + + + Une femme vertueuse a dans le coeur une fibre du + moins ou de plus que les autres femmes; elle est + stupide ou sublime. + + BALZAC, _Physiologie du Mariage_. + + + _ON SCOTCH WEATHER._ + + Scotland! thy weather's like a modish wife; + Thy winds and rains for ever are at strife; + Like thee the termagants their blustering try, + And, when they can no longer scold, they cry. + + AARON HILL (1685-1750). + + + Went with Lamb to Richman's. Richman produced + one of Chatterton's forgeries. In one + manuscript there were seventeen different kinds + of e's. "Oh," said Lamb, "that must have been written + by one of the-- + 'Mob of gentlemen who write with _ease_.'" + + CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. + + + _SCIRE TUUM NIHIL FIT._ + + To have a thing is little, if you're not allowed to show it, + And to know a thing is nothing, unless others know you know it. + + LORD NEAVES. + + + You're at an evening party, with + A group of pleasant folks,-- + You venture quietly to crack + The least of little jokes,-- + A lady doesn't catch the point, + And begs you to explain,-- + Alas! for one who drops a jest + And takes it up again! + + You drop a pretty _jeu-de-mot_ + Into a neighbour's ears, + Who likes to give you credit for + The clever things he hears; + And so he hawks your jest about, + The old, authentic one, + Just breaking off the point of it, + And leaving out the pun! + + JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. + + + [Montrond's] death was a very wretched one. + Left alone to the tender mercies of a well-known + "lorette" of those days, Desirée R----, + as he lay upon his bed, between fits of pain and drowsiness, + he could see his fair friend picking from his shelves + the choicest specimens of his old Sèvres china, or other + articles of _vertu_. Turning to his doctor, he said, with a + gleam of his old fun, "Qu'elle est attachante, cette + femme-là!" + + GRONOW, _Recollections_. + + + We love thee, Ann Maria Smith, + And in thy condescension + We see a future full of joys + Too numerous to mention. + + There's Cupid's arrow in thy glance, + That by thy love's coercion + Has reached our melting heart of hearts, + And asked for one insertion. + + There's music in thy honest tone, + And silver in thy laughter; + And truth--but we will give the full + Particulars hereafter. + + R. H. NEWELL, _Orpheus C. Kerr Papers_. + + + "Of course you know the three reasons which take + men into society in London?" I said, after a + pause. + + "No, I don't. What are they?" + + "Either to find a wife, or to look after one's wife, or + to look after somebody else's." + + L. OLIPHANT, _Piccadilly_. + + + _ON ONE WHO HAD A LARGE NOSE AND SQUINTED._ + + The reason why Doctor Dash squints, I suppose, + Is because his two eyes are afraid of his nose. + + ANON., in MOORE's _Diary_. + + + Never attack whole bodies of any kind. Individuals + forgive sometimes; but bodies and + societies never do. + + LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. + + + _ON THE RIGHTS OF MINORITIES._ + + Sturdy Tom Paine, biographers relate, + Once with his friends engaged in warm debate. + Said they, "Minorities are always right;" + Said he, "The truth is just the opposite." + Finding them stubborn, "Frankly, now," said he, + "In this opinion do ye all agree; + All, every one, without exception?" When + They thus affirmed unanimously, "Then, + Correct," said he, "my sentiment must be, + For I myself am the minority." + + R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_. + + + The Indians on the Overland Route live on route + and herbs. They are an intemperate people. + They drink with impunity, or anybody who + invites them. + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + _ON ONE WEARING FALSE HAIR._ + + They say that thou dost tinge (O monstrous lie!) + The hair that thou so raven-black dost buy. + + LUCILIUS, trans. by R. GARNETT. + + + A nation does wisely if not well, in starving her + men of genius. Fatten them, and they are done + for. + + CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. + + + When the enterprising burglar's not a-burgling, + When the cut-throat isn't occupied with crime + He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling, + And listen to the merry village chime. + When the coster's finished jumping on his mother, + He loves to lie a-basking in the sun-- + Oh! take one consideration with another, + The policeman's lot is not a happy one! + + W. S. GILBERT, _Pirates of Penzance_. + + + The young girl said: "The gentleman must be very + rich, for he is very ugly." The public judges in + a similar manner: "The man must be very + learned, for he is very tiresome." + + HEINRICH HEINE, _Thoughts and Fancies_. + + + And he chirped and sang, and skipped about, and + laughed with laughter hearty, + He was so wonderfully active for so very stout + a party. + + And I said, "O gentle pie-man, why so very, very merry? + Is it purity of conscience, or your one-and-seven sherry?" + + W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_. + + + Speculation--a word that sometimes begins + with its second letter. + + HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. + + + He remembers the ball at the Ferry, + And the ride, and the gate, and the vow, + And the rose that you gave him--that very + Same rose he is treasuring now + (Which his blanket he's kicked on his trunk, Miss, + And insists on his legs being free; + And his language to me from his bunk, Miss, + Is frequent and painful and free). + + BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. + + + Nous ne trouvons guère de gens de bons sens que + ceux qui sont de notre avis. + + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. + + + _FRENCH AND ENGLISH._ + + The French excel us very much in millinery; + They also bear the bell in matters culinary. + The reason's plain: French beauty and French meat + With English cannot of themselves compete. + Thus, an inferior article possessing, + Our neighbours help it by superior dressing; + They dress their dishes, and they dress their dames, + Till Art, almost, can rival Nature's claims. + + LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. + + + Priority is a poor recommendation in a husband + if he has got no other. + + _Mrs. Cadwallader_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Middlemarch_. + + + If spirits you would lighten + Consult good Doctor Brighton, + And swallow his prescriptions and abide by his decree: + If nerves be weak or shaken + Just try a week with Bacon, + His physic soon is taken-- + At our London-by-the-Sea. + + J. ASHBY STERRY, _Boudoir Ballads_. + + + The then Duke of Cumberland (the foolish Duke, + as he was called) came one night into Foote's + green-room at the Haymarket Theatre. "Well, + Foote," said he, "here I am, ready, as usual, to swallow + your good things." "Upon my soul," replied Foote, + "your Royal Highness must have an excellent digestion, + for you never bring any up again." + + ROGERS, _Table Talk_. + + + There's folks born to property, and there's folks + catch hold on it; and the law's made for them + as catch hold. + + _Tommy Trounsem_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Felix Holt_. + + + Examining one of the Sunday school boys at + Addington, I asked him what a prophet was. + He did not know. "If I were to tell you what + would happen to you this day twelve month, and it should + come to pass, what would you call me then, my little + man?" "A fortune-teller, sir." + + R. H. BARHAM, _Diary_. + + + Some take a lover, some take drams or prayers; + Some play the devil, and then write a novel. + + LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. + + + Being one day at Trinity College, at dinner, + [Donne] was asked to write a motto for the + College snuff-box, which was always circulating + on the dinner-table. "Considering where we are," said + Donne, "there could be nothing better than 'Quicunque + vult.'" + + CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. + + + Critics tell me, soon + There'll be no singing in a song, + No melody in tune. + But birds will warble in the trees, + Nor for the critics care; + And in the murmur of the breeze + We yet may find some air. + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. + + + Mr. Bentley proposed to establish a periodical + publication, to be called "The Wits' Miscellany." + [James] Smith objected that the title promised + too much. Shortly afterwards the publisher came to + tell him he had profited by the hint, and resolved to call + it "Bentley's Miscellany." "Isn't that going a little too + far the other way?" was the remark. + + ABRAHAM HAYWARD, _Essays_. + + + Break, break, break! + My cups and saucers, O scout; + And I'm glad that my tongue can't utter + The oaths that my soul points out. + + It is well for the china-shop man + Who gets a fresh order each day; + And it's deucedly well for yourself, + Who are in the said china-man's pay. + + And my stately vases go + To your uncle's, I ween, to be cashed; + And it's oh for the light of my broken lamp, + And the tick of my clock that is smashed. + + Break, break, break! + At the foot of my stairs in glee; + But the coin I have spent in glass that is cracked + Will never come back to me. + + _The Shotover Papers._ + + + Croly said very smart things, and with surprising + readiness. I was at his table one day when one + of the guests inquired the name of a pyramidal + dish of barley-sugar. Some one replied, "A pyramid + _à Macédoine_." "For what use?" rejoined the other. + "To give a _Philip_ to the appetite," said Croly. + + W. H. HARRISON, _Reminiscences_. + + + _ON SOME VERSES CALLED TRIFLES._ + + Paul, I have read your book, and though you write ill, + I needs must praise your most judicious title. + + ANON. + + + Mrs. Posh was one of those incomparable wives + who have a proper command of tongue, who + never reply to angry words at the moment, and + who always, with exquisite calm and self-posession, pay + off every angry word by an amiable sting at the right + moment. + + LORD LYTTON, _What will he do with it?_ + + + _TO LADY BROWN._ + + When I was young and _débonnaire_, + The brownest nymph to me was fair; + But now I'm old, and wiser grown, + The fairest nymph to me is Brown. + + GEORGE, LORD LYTTLETON. + + + When last the Queen was about to be confined, + the Prince Consort said to one of his little boys, + "I think it very likely, my dear, that the Queen + will present you with a little brother or sister; which of + the two would you prefer?" The child, pausing--"Well, + I think, if it is all the same to mamma, I should + prefer a pony." + + J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. + + + Some ladies now make pretty songs, + And some make pretty nurses: + Some men are great at righting wrongs,-- + And some at writing verses. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + Follow the light of the old-fashioned Presbyterians + that I've heard sing at Glasgow. The + preacher gives out the Psalm, and then everybody + sings a different tune, as it happens to turn up in + their throats. It's a domineering thing to set a tune + and expect everybody else to follow it. It's a denial of + private judgment. + + _Felix Holt_, in GEORGE ELIOT's novel. + + + _ON A CERTAIN RADICAL._ + + Bloggs rails against high birth. Yes, Bloggs--you see + Your ears are longer than your pedigree. + + JAMES HANNAY, _Sketches and Characters_. + + + I like neighbours, and I like chickens; but I do + not think they ought to be united near a garden. + + C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. + + + Lady, very fair are you, + And your eyes are very blue, + And your hose; + And your brow is like the snow, + And the various things you know + Goodness knows. + + MORTIMER COLLINS, _Ad Chloen, M.A._ + + + The Jacobins, in realizing their systems of fraternization, + always contrived to be the elder + brothers. + + _Guesses at Truth._ + + + Careless rhymer, it is true + That my favourite colour's blue; + But am I + To be made a victim, sir, + If to puddings I prefer + Cambridge [Greek: p]? + + MORTIMER COLLINS, _Chloe, M.A._ + + + Candide + Found life most tolerable after meals. + + LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. + + + Women, and men who are like women, mind the + binding more than the book. + + LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. + + + There was gorging Jack and guzzling Jimmy, + And the youngest he was little Billee. + Now when they got as far as the Equator + They'd nothing left but one split pea. + + Says gorging Jack to guzzling Jimmy, + "I am extremely hungaree." + To gorging Jack says guzzling Jimmy, + "We've nothing left, us must eat we." + + Says gorging Jack to guzzling Jimmy, + "With one another we shouldn't agree! + There's little Bill he's young and tender, + We're old and tough, so let's eat he." + + W. M. THACKERAY. + + + "_WHAT AILS HIM AT THE LASSIE?_" + + A friend tells me a funny little story of Mrs. ---- + (the grandmother of Colonel M----), who was + shown a picture of Joseph and Potiphar's wife, + in which of course the patriarch showed his usual desire + to withdraw himself from her society. Mrs. ---- looked + at it for a little while, and then said, "Eh, now, and what + ails him at the lassie?" + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. + + + In his last illness, reduced as he was to a skeleton, + [Hood] noticed a very large mustard poultice + which Mrs. Hood was making for him, and exclaimed, + "O Mary! Mary! that will be a great deal of + mustard to a very little meat!" + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. + + + _THE LATEST DECALOGUE._ + + Thou shalt have one God only: who + Would be at the expense of two? + No graven images may be + Worshipped, except the currency: + Swear not at all; for, for thy curse, + Thine enemy is none the worse: + At church on Sunday to attend + Will serve to keep the world thy friend: + Honour thy parents; that is, all + From whom advancement may befall: + Thou shalt not kill; but needst not strive + Officiously to keep alive: + Do not adultery commit; + Advantage rarely comes of it: + Thou shalt not steal; an empty feat, + When it's so lucrative to cheat: + Bear not false witness; let the lie + Have time on its own wings to fly: + Thou shalt not covet, but tradition + Approves all forms of competition. + + A. H. CLOUGH, _Poems_. + + + Mr. MacCulloch, the eminent political + economist, in dining with us, a few days after + [an aeronautical friend had made an ascent], + was most anxious to learn where he had descended + on this occasion. The answer was, "Amongst the flats + of Essex." "A most appropriate locality," said my + distinguished countryman, "and one which shows how + true it is that 'birds of a feather flock together.'" + + MARK BOYD, _Reminiscences._ + + + He said that I was proud, mother,--that I looked for rank and gold; + He said I did not love him,--he said my words were cold; + He said I kept him off and on, in hopes of higher game,-- + And it may be that I did, mother; but who hasn't done the same? + + You may lay me in my bed, mother,--my head is throbbing sore; + And, mother, prithee, let the sheets be duly aired before; + And if you'd do a kindness to your poor desponding child, + Draw me a pot of beer, mother--and, mother, draw it mild! + + _Bon Gaultier Ballads._ + + + Voltaire was a very good Jesus Christ--for the + French. + + CHARLES LAMB, _apud_ LEIGH HUNT. + + + _ON A THEATRICAL NUISANCE:_ + + Perched in a box which cost her not a _sou_, + Giglina chatters all the evening through, + Fidgets with opera-glass, and flowers, and shawls, + Annoys the actors, irritates the stalls. + Forgive her harmless pride--the cause is plain-- + She wants us all to know she's had champagne. + + SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. + + + O, I know the way o' wives; they set one on + to abuse their husbands, and then they turn + round on one and praise 'em as if they wanted + to sell 'em. + + _Priscilla Lammeter_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Mill on the Floss_. + + + "And hast thou slain the Jabberwock? + Come to my arms, my beamish boy! + O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!" + He chortled in his joy. + + 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves + Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; + All mimsy were the borogroves, + And the mome raths outgrabe. + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Through the Looking-Glass_. + + + Mrs. Wordsworth and a lady were walking + once in a wood where the stock-dove was + cooing. A farmer's wife coming by, said, "Oh, + I do like stock-doves!" Mrs. Wordsworth, in all her + enthusiasm for Wordsworth's beautiful address to the + stock-dove, took the old woman to her heart. "But," + continued the old woman, "some like 'em in a pie; for + my part there's nothing like 'em stewed in onions!" + + B. R. HAYDON, _Diary_. + + + _TO AN AUTHOR._ + + In spite of hints, in spite of looks, + Titus, I send thee not my books. + The reason, Titus, canst divine? + I fear lest thou shouldst send me thine. + + MARTIAL, trans. by R. GARNETT. + + + A friend, who was about to marry the natural + daughter of the Duke de ----, was expatiating + at great length on the virtues, good qualities, + and talents of his future wife, but without making allusion + to her birth. "A t'entendre," observed Montrond, "on + dirait que tu épouses une fille surnaturelle." + + GRONOW, _Recollections_. + + + Reading new books is like eating new bread: + One can bear it at first, but by gradual steps he + Is brought to death's door of a mental dyspepsy. + + J. R. LOWELL, _A Fable for Critics_. + + + Casey mentioned to me a parody of his on two + lines in the "Veiled Prophet":-- + "He knew no more of fear than one who dwells + Beneath the tropics knows of icicles." + + The following is his parody, which, bless my stars, none + of my critics were lively enough to hit upon, for it would + have stuck by me:-- + "He knew no more of fear than one who dwells + On Scotia's mountains knows of shoe-buckles." + + THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. + + + Why mourns my Eugene? In his dark eye of blue + Why trembles the tear-drop to sympathy due? + Ah, why must a bosom so pure and refin'd + Thus vibrate, all nerve, at the woes of mankind? + + Like a sunbeam the clouds of the tempest between, + A smile lights the eye of the pensive Eugene; + And thus, in soft accents, the mourner replies, + "Hang your mustard! it brings the tears in my eyes!" + + R. H. BARHAM, _Ingoldsby Lyrics_. + + + Dress does not make a man, but it often makes a + successful one. What all men should avoid is + the "shabby genteel." No man ever gets over + it. You had better be in rags. + + _Vigo_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Endymion_. + + + In moss-prankt dells which the sunbeams flatter + (And Heaven it knoweth what that may mean; + Meaning, however, is no great matter) + Where woods are a-tremble, with rifts atween; + + Thro' God's own heather we wonn'd together, + I and my Willie (O love, my love!): + I need hardly remark it was glorious weather, + And flitter-bats waver'd alow, above. + + Boats were curtsying, rising, bowing + (Boats in that climate are so polite), + And sands were a ribbon of green endowing, + And O the sun-dazzle on bark and bight. + + Thro' the rare red heather we danced together, + (O love, my Willie!) and smelt for flowers: + I must mention again it was glorious weather, + Rhymes are so scarce in this world of ours. + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. + + + 'Tis ridiculous for a lord to print verses. It is well + enough to make them to please himself, but to + make them public is foolish. If a man in his + private chamber twirls his bandstrings, or plays with a + rush to please himself, 'tis well enough, but if he should + go into Fleet Street, and sit upon a stall, and twirl + a bandstring, or play with a rush, then all the boys in + the street would laugh at him. + + SELDEN, _Table Talk_. + + + Here, in the grassy hollow, would be spread + The snowy cloth--dimpled with various viands. + Ah! cleanly damask of our native land! + Ah! pleasant memory of pigeon-pie, + Short-crusted--savoury-jellied--flow'ry-yolked! + Ah! fair white-bosomed fowl with tawny tongue + Well married! lobster-salad, crisp and cool, + With polished silver from clean crockery + Forked up--washed down with drinks that make me now + Thirsty to think of. + Yes, with ginger-pop + These crags should echo. + Ah! rare golden gleam + Of sack in silver goblets gilt within!-- + Bright evanescent raptures of champagne-- + Brisk bottled stout in pewters creamy-crowned! + + G. J. CAYLEY, _Las Alforgas_. + + + Say, as the witty Duke of Buckingham did to the + dog that bit him, "I wish you were married, and + went to live in the country." + + _Ellesmere_, in HELPS' _Friends in Council_. + + + Croquet-- + A dainty and difficult sport in its way. + Thus I counsel the sage, who to play at it stoops, + _Belabour thy neighbour and spoon through thy hoops_. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + We are never so thoroughly tired of the company of + any one else as we are sometimes of our own. + + W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. + + + _ON A VERY TRIFLING FELLOW BEING KNIGHTED._ + + What! Dares made a knight! No, don't be frighted; + He only lost his way, and was be-nighted. + + RICHARD GRAVES (1715-1804). + + + Satan was a blunderer, an introducer of _novità_, + who made a stupendous failure. If he had succeeded, + we should all have been worshipping + him, and his portrait would have been more flattered. + + _Machiavelli_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Romola_. + + + You see the goodly hair that Galla wears; + 'Tis certain her own hair: who would have thought it? + She swears it is her own, and true she swears, + For hard by Temple Bar last day she bought it. + + SIR JOHN HARYNGTON (1561-1612). + + + The worst of human maladies are the most transient + also--love that is half despairing, and seasickness + that is quite so. + + _Leslie_, in MALLOCK's _New Republic_. + + + _ON A SMALL EATER._ + + Simplicity is best, 'tis true, + But not in every mortal's power: + If thou, O maid, canst live on dew, + 'Tis proof thou art indeed a flower. + + R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_. + + + On Walpole's remarking that, of two pictures mentioned, + one was "a shade above the other in + point of merit," [Hook] replied: "I presume you + mean to say it was a _shade over_ (_chef d'oeuvre_)." + + R. H. BARHAM, _Diary_. + + + The nightingales are all about-- + Their song is everywhere-- + Their notes are lovely (though they're out + So often in the air). + + The zephyr, dancing through the tops + Of ash and poplar, weaves + Low melodies, and scarcely stops + To murmur "By your leaves!" + + Night steeps the passions of the day + In quiet, peace, and love. + Pale Dian, in her tranquil way, + Kicks up a shine above. + + H. S. LEIGH, CAROLS OF COCKAYNE. + + + Tinder--a thin rag; such, for instance, as the + dresses of modern females, intended to catch the + sparks, raise a flame, and light up a match. + + HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. + + + _ON DRESS._ + + He who a gold-finch strives to make his wife + Makes her, perhaps, a wag-tail all her life. + + _A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727). + + + [Of Lafayette]: The world is surprised that there + was once an honest man: the situation remains + vacant. + + HEINRICH HEINE, _Thoughts and Fancies_. + + + _ON AILING AND ALE-ING._ + + Come, come, for trifles never stick: + Most servants have a failing; + Yours, it is true, are sometimes sick, + But mine are always ale-ing. + + HENRY LUTTRELL. + + + Sir George Rose, being introduced one day + to two charming young ladies, whose names were + Mary and Louisa, instantly added, with a bow, + "Ah, yes! _Marie-Louise_--the sweetest _pear_ I know!" + + _Macmillan's Magazine._ + + + _TO A CRUEL FAIR ONE._ + + 'Tis done; I yield; adieu, thou cruel fair! + Adieu, th' averted face, th' ungracious cheek! + I go to die, to finish all my care, + To hang--to hang?--yes, round another's neck. + + LEIGH HUNT (from the French). + + + _Bishop (reproving delinquent Page)._ "Wretched + boy! _Who_ is it that sees and hears all we do, + and before whom _even I_ am but as a crushed + worm?" + _Page._ "The Missus, my Lord!" + + _Punch._ + + + _ON DRUNKEN COURAGE._ + + Who only in his cups will fight is like + A clock that must be oil'd well ere it strikes. + + THOMAS BANCROFT (_circa_ 1600). + + + Talking to ---- is like playing long whist. + + LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. + + + _CERBERUS._ + + My dog, who picks up everything one teaches, + Has got "three heads," like Mr. Gladstone's speeches, + But, as might naturally be expected, + His are considerably more connected. + + H. J. BYRON, in _English Epigrams_. + + + Blessed be the word "nice"!--it is the copper + coin of commendation. Without it, we should + have to praise more handsomely. + + CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. + + + _ON NEWGATE WINDOWS._ + + All Newgate windows bay windows they be; + All lookers out there stand at bay we see. + + JOHN HEYWOOD (1506-1565). + + + It was a grand scene, Mr. Artemus Ward standing + on the platform; many of the audience sleeping + tranquilly in their seats; others leaving the + room and not returning; others crying like a child at + some of the jokes,--all, all formed a most impressive scene, + and showed the powers of this remarkable orator. And + when he announced that he should never lecture in that + town again, the applause was absolutely deafening. + + C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. + + + _THE REASONS FOR DRINKING._ + + If all be true that I do think, + There are five reasons we should drink: + Good wine; a friend; or being dry; + Or lest we should be by-and-by; + Or any other reason why. + + HENRY ALDRICH. + + + [Barham] having expressed himself in terms of + abhorrence of a piece of baseness and treachery + which came under his notice, he was addressed + by the delinquent with--"Well, sir, perhaps some day + you may come to change your opinion of me!" "Perhaps + I may, sir," was the reply; "for if I should find + any one who holds a more contemptible opinion of you + than I do myself, I should lay down my own and take up + his." + + R. H. D. BARHAM, _Life of Barham_. + + + _FALSE LOVE'S QUIRK._ + + "Oh, sweet one!" sighs the lover, + "Could I but this discover,-- + Thy breast so softly moving, + Will it ever cease from loving?" + + Says she, her eyes upturning, + "The love within me burning + No time can ever smother"-- + For some one or another! + + LORD SOUTHESK, _Greenwood's Farewell_. + + + Benjamin Constant, on some one asking + (with reference to his book on religion) how he + managed to reconcile the statements of his + latter volumes with those of his first, published so long + ago, answered, "Il n'y a rien qui s'arrange aussi facilement + que les faits." + + THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. + + + I'm told that virgins augur some + Misfortune if their shoe-strings come + To grief on Friday: + And so did Di, and then her pride + Decreed that shoe-strings so untied + Are "so untidy!" + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + On one occasion the late Lady Holland took + [Luttrell] a drive in her carriage over a rough + road; and as she was very nervous, she insisted + on being driven at a foot's pace. This ordeal lasted + some hours, and when he was at last released, poor + Luttrell, perfectly exasperated, rushed into the nearest + club-house, and exclaimed, clenching his teeth and + hands, "The very funerals passed us!" + + GRONOW, _Recollections_. + + + _TO A YOUNG LADY._ + + An original something dear maid, you would win me + To write, but how shall I begin? + For I fear I have nothing original in me-- + Excepting Original Sin. + + THOMAS CAMPBELL. + + + La société est un état de guerre, réglé par les lois. + + _L'Art de Parvenir._ + + + Perchance it was her eyes of blue, + Her cheeks that might the rose have shamed, + Her figure in proportion true + To all the rules by artists framed; + Perhaps it was her mental worth + That made her lover love her so, + Perhaps her name, or wealth, or birth,-- + I cannot tell--I do not know. + + He may have had a rival, who + Did fiercely gage him to a duel, + And being the luckiest of the two + Defeated him with triumph cruel; + Then _she_ may have proved false, and turned + To welcome to her arms his foe, + Left _him_ despairing, conquer'd, spurned,-- + I cannot tell--I do not know. + + _Songs of Singularity._ + + + It is of no use to tell a neighbour that his hens + eat your tomatoes: it makes no impression on + him, for the tomatoes are not his. The best + way is to casually remark to him that he has a fine lot of + chickens, pretty well grown, and that you like spring + chickens broiled. He will take them away at once. + + C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. + + + One persuaded his friend to marry a little woman, + because of evils the least was to be chosen. + + _Conceits, Clinches_, etc. (1639). + + + Charles Kemble used to tell a story about + some poor foreigner, dancer or pantomimist in + the country, who, after many annual attempts + to clear his expenses, came forward one evening with a + face beaming with pleasure and gratitude, and addressed + the audience in these words:--"Dear Public! moche + oblige. Ver good benefice--only lose half-a-crown. I + come again!" + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. + + + "Let's show," said M'Clan, "to this Sassenach loon + That the bag-pipes _can_ play him a regular tune. + Let's see," said M'Clan, as he thoughtfully sat, + "'In my Cottage' is easy--I'll practise at that." + + He blew at his "Cottage," and blew with a will, + For a year, seven months, and a fortnight, until + (You'll hardly believe it) M'Clan, I declare, + Elicited something resembling an air. + + It was wild--it was fitful--as wild as the breeze-- + It wandered about into several keys; + It was jerky, spasmodic, and harsh, I'm aware; + But still it distinctly suggested an air. + + W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_. + + + All men are brothers--Cains and Abels. + + ANON. + + + The blameless king + Rising again (to Lancelot's discontent, + Who held all speeches a tremendous bore), + Said, "If one duty to be done remains, + And 'tis neglected, all the rest is nought + But Dead Sea apples and the acts of Apes." + + Smiled Guinevere, and begged him not to preach; + She knew that duty, and it should be done; + So what of pudding on that festal night + Was not consumed by Arthur and his guests, + The queen upon the following morning fried. + + SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. + + + One way of getting an idea of our fellow-countrymen's + miseries is to go and look at their + pleasures. + + GEORGE ELIOT, _Felix Holt_. + + + _TO A RICH LADY._ + + I will not ask if thou canst touch + The tuneful ivory key,-- + Those silent notes of thine are such + As quite suffice for me. + + I'll make no question if thy skill + The pencil comprehends;-- + Enough for me, love, if thou still + Canst draw--thy dividends. + + _Punch._ + + + At the Duke of Wellington's funeral, the little child + of a friend of mine was standing with her mother + at Lord Ashburton's window to see the mournful + pageant. During the passage of the procession, she + made no remark until the duke's horse was led by, its + saddle empty, and his boots reversed in the stirrups, + when she looked up in her mother's face and said, + "Mamma, when we die, will there be nothing left of us + but boots?" + + J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. + + + Such power hath Beer. The heart which Grief hath canker'd + Hath one unfailing remedy--the tankard. + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_. + + + Dined with Mr. (Sydney) Smith. He told me of + the motto he had proposed for Bishop Burgess's + arms, in allusion to his brother, the well-known + fish-sauce projector: + + "_Gravi_ jamdudum _saucia_ curâ." + + R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. + + + One's self-satisfaction is an untaxed kind of + property which it is very unpleasant to find + depreciated. + + GEORGE ELIOT, _Middlemarch_. + + + "My lord cannot stand Treeby more than two days, + and Treeby cannot stand my lord for a longer + period, and that is why they are such friends." + "A sound basis of agreement," said Lord Roehampton. + "I believe absence is a great element of charm." + + LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Endymion_. + + + _SALAD._ + + O cool in the summer is salad, + And warm in the winter is love; + And a poet shall sing you a ballad + Delicious thereon and thereof. + A singer I am, if no sinner, + My muse has a marvellous wing, + And I willingly worship at dinner + The Sirens of Spring. + + Take Endive--like love it is bitter, + Take beet--for like love it is red, + Crisp leaf of the lettuce shall glitter, + And cress from the rivulet's bed: + Anchovies, foam-born, like the lady + Whose beauty has maddened this bard; + And olives, from groves that are shady; + And eggs--boil 'em hard. + + MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_. + + + Query, whether churches are not dormitories of + the living as well as of the dead? + + SWIFT, _Thoughts_. + + + The Mock Turtle said, "No wise fish would go + anywhere without a porpoise." + + "Wouldn't it, really?" said Alice, in a tone of + great surprise. + + "Of course not," said the Mock Turtle; "why, if a + fish came to _me_, and told me he was going a journey, I + should say, 'With what porpoise?'" + + "Don't you mean 'purpose?'" said Alice. + + "I mean what I say," the Mock Turtle replied, in an + offended tone. + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. + + + Vill'st dou learn de Deutsche Sprache? + If a shendleman dou art, + Denn strike right indo Deutschland, + Und get a schveetes-heart. + From Schwabenland or Sachsen, + Vhere now dis writer pees; + Und de bretty girls all wachsen + Shoost like aepples on de drees. + + Boot if dou bee'st a laty, + Denn, on de oder hand, + Take a blonde moustachioed lofer + In de vine green Sherman land. + Und if you shoost kit married + (Vood mit vood soon makes a vire), + You'll learn to sprechen Deutsch, mein kind, + Ash fast ash you tesire. + + C. G. LELAND, _Breitmann Ballads_. + + + The Bishop of St. David's has been studying Welsh + all the summer; it is a difficult language, and I + hope he will be careful,--it is so easy for him to + take up the Funeral Service and read it over the next + wedding-party, or to make a mistake in a tense in a + Confirmation, and the children will have renounced their + godfathers and godmothers and got nothing in their + place. + + SYDNEY SMITH, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. + + + Beautiful soup, so rich and green, + Waiting in a hot tureen! + Who for such dainties would not stoop? + Soup of the evening, beautiful soup! + Soup of the evening, beautiful soup! + + Beautiful soup! Who cares for fish, + Game, or any other dish? + Who would not give all else for two p + Ennyworth only of beautiful soup? + Pennyworth only of beautiful soup? + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. + + + Writing to Manning, Charles Lamb says: "---- + says he could write like Shakespeare if he had a + _mind_--so you see nothing is wanting but the + _mind_." + + CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. + + + _ON BALLS AND OPERAS._ + + If by their names we things should call, + It surely would be properer + To term a singing-piece a _bawl_, + A dancing-piece a _hopperer_! + + ANON. + + + Among all forms of mistake, prophecy is the most + gratuitous. + + GEORGE ELIOT, _Middlemarch_. + + + _ON LOVE._ + + Love levels all--it elevates the clown, + And often brings the fattest people down. + + H. J. BYRON, in _English Epigrams_. + + + The Hanoverian squires are asses who can talk of + nothing but horses. + + HEINRICH HEINE, _Thoughts and Fancies_. + + + Sir George Warrender was once obliged to put off + a dinner-party in consequence of the death of + a relative, and sat down to a haunch of venison + by himself. While eating, he said to his butler, "John, + this will make a capital hash to-morrow." "Yes, Sir + George, if you leave off _now_!" + + R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. + + + _TO CHLORIS._ + + Chloris, I swear, by all I ever swore, + That from this hour I shall not love thee more. + "What! love no more? oh, why this altered vow?" + Because I _cannot_ love thee _more_--than _now_. + + THOMAS MOORE. + + + You close your petition with the words: "And we + will ever pray." I think you had better--you + need to do it. + + MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. + + + Husbands, more covetous than sage, + Condemn this china-buying rage; + They count that woman's prudence little + Who sets her heart on things so brittle. + + JOHN GAY, _Poems_. + + + Umbrella--an article which, by the morality of + society, you may steal from friend or foe, and + which, for the same reason, you should not lend + to either. + + HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. + + + La curiosité n'est que la vanité. Le plus souvent + on ne veut savoir que pour en parler. + + PASCAL, _Pensées_. + + + O how unlike our shores, + Where with ten thousand tongues each city roars! + There to all men, whate'er their age or walk, + Life's one great solemn business is to talk. + There what the penny press by morning write + Is echoed for a halfpenny at night: + There stump young Ministers; old Maids debate; + There loud Professors scold like Billingsgate: + There, as the World into the Church expands, + A moral Atheist spouts in parson's bands; + And poets, doubtful of the parts of speech, + Desperate of rhyme, acquire the art to preach. + + _Windbag_, in COURTHOPE's _Paradise of Birds_. + + + Prince Metternich said to Lord Dudley, + "You are the only Englishman I know who + speaks good French. It is remarked, the + common people in Vienna speak better than the educated + men in London." "That may well be," replied + Lord Dudley. "Your Highness should recollect that + Buonaparte has not been twice in London to teach + them." + + CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. + + + When a felon's not engaged in his employment, + Or maturing his felonious little plans, + His capacity for innocent enjoyment + Is just as great as any honest man's. + + W. S. GILBERT, _Pirates of Penzance_. + + + She's an angel in a frock + With a fascinating cock + To her nose. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + To speak highly of one with whom we are intimate + is a species of egotism. + + W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. + + + The annals of our native land were lapsed in doubt and mystery, + Till Mr. Freeman t'other day discovered English History, + And now admonishes the world it is his fixed intention + To make it a monopoly and patent the invention. + + F. D., in _Pall Mall Gazette_. + + + "It is rather sad," sighed Virginia, as she dived + into a box of French chocolate-creams, "to + think that all the poor people are drowned + that these things belonged to." + + "They are not dead," said the Professor: "they still + live on this holy and stupendous earth. They live in + the use we are making of all they had got together. The + owner of those chocolate-creams is immortal because you + are eating them." + + Virginia licked her lips, and said, "Nonsense!" + + "It is not nonsense," said the Professor. "It is the + religion of Humanity." + + W. H. MALLOCK, _The New Paul and Virginia_. + + + The sort of fun + I witnessed there _was_ "awful;" + Buffoonery devoid of all + That makes an art of folly, + Music that was "most music-hall," + To hear "most melancholy." + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. + + + You are a woman; you must never speak what + you think: your words must contradict your + thoughts: but your actions may contradict your + words. So, when I ask you if you can love me, you + must say no; but you must love me too. If I tell you + you are handsome, you must deny it, and say I flatter + you; and you must think yourself more charming than + I speak you, and like me for the beauty I say you have, + as much as if I had it myself. + + _Tattle_, in CONGREVE's _Love for Love_. + + + Dear Poet, do not rhyme at all! + But if you must, don't tell your neighbour, + Or five in six, who cannot scrawl, + Will dub you donkey for your labour. + Be patient, but be sure you won't + Win vogue without extreme vexation; + Yet hope for sympathy,--but don't + Expect it from a near relation. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + Nous pardonnons souvent à ceux qui nous ennuient; + mais nous ne pouvons pardonner à ceux qui + nous ennuyons. + + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. + + + There is a phrase we oft have seen + On bottle-labels writ, + And those who invalids have been + Best know the drift of it; + It may embody in a line + A world of chemic lore, + And skill to portion and combine-- + _The mixture as before_. + + This will apply to many things, + To oratory most, + Addresses made to kings and queens, + And wedding speech and toast; + For commonplace and compliment + Are mingled o'er and o'er; + _This_ saves the trouble to invent-- + _The mixture as before_. + + _Songs of Singularity._ + + + I had forgotten to mention that essay, Miss + Daylmer; that is our essay on cookery,--the + one we always begin with in reading to ladies; + as Milverton said, "entirely within their province." I + wish they paid more attention to it; but people seldom + do attend to things within their province. + + _Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_. + + + There was an old waiter at Wapping + Drew corks for a week without stopping; + Cried he, "It's too bad! + The practice I've had! + Yet cannot prevent them from popping!" + + There was an old priest of Peru, + Who dreamt he converted a Jew; + He woke in the night + In a deuce of a fright, + And found it was perfectly true. + + There was an old witch of Malacca, + Who smoked such atrocious tob_acca_, + When tigers came near, + They trembled with fear, + And didn't attempt to att_acca_. + + _Songs of Singularity._ + + + A woman dictates before marriage in order that + she may have an appetite for submission afterwards. + + GEORGE ELIOT, _Middlemarch_. + + + Sydney Smith, speaking of his being shampooed + at Mahomet's Baths at Brighton in 1840, + said they "squeezed enough out of him to make + a lean curate." + + R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. + + + Now brim your glass, and plant it well + Beneath your nose on the table, + And you will find what philosophers tell + Of I and non-I is no fable. + Now listen to wisdom, my son! + Myself am the subject, + This wine is the object: + These things are two, + But I'll prove to you + That subject and object are one. + + I take this glass in my hand, and stand + Upon my legs, if I can, + And look and smile benign and bland, + And feel that I am a man. + Now stretch all the strength of your brains! + I drink--and the object + Is lost in the subject, + Making one entity + In the identity + Of me, and the wine in my veins! + + J. S. BLACKIE, _Musa Burschicosa_. + + + Punsters being abused, and the old joke + repeated that "He who puns will pick a pocket," + some one said, "Punsters themselves have no + pockets." "No," said Lamb, "they carry only a + _ridicule_." + + CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. + + + It is always a pleasure to me when two of my + friends like each other, just as I am always glad + when two of my enemies take to fighting with each + other. + + HEINRICH HEINE, _Preface to Don Quixote_. + + + He stood on his head on the wild sea-shore, + And joy was the cause of the act, + For he felt as he never had felt before, + Insanely glad, in fact. + + And why? In that vessel that left the bay + His mother-in-law had sail'd + To a tropical country far away, + Where tigers and snakes prevail'd. + + _Songs of Singularity._ + + + [Berkeley] had no ear for music himself, but + music was an enthusiasm in the family, and he + retained the well-known Signor Pasquilino for + years to teach his children. It was then that the Signor, + who had been learning English from a dictionary, exclaimed + in an outbreak of gratitude, "May God _pickle_ + your lordship!" + + A. C. FRASER, _Berkeley_. + + + Women always did, from the first, make a muss in + a garden. + + C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. + + + _GOOD ADVICE._ + + This gardener's rule applies to youth and age: + When young "sow wild oats," but when old "grow sage." + + H. J. BYRON, in _English Epigrams_. + + + The sacred slow harmonium bring, + The gentler pianette, + The cymbals, with sonorous ring, + The dulcet flageolet. + + Nor be the voice of glory dumb, + Of conquest and of strife, + Bring forth the stirring trump and drum, + The shrill and piercing fife. + + Ay, bring them all, my soul with glee + To music I'll devote; + Bring all--for all are one to me,-- + I cannot play a note! + + _Songs of Singularity._ + + + We sometimes hate those who differ from us in + opinion worse than we should for an attempt to + injure us in the most serious point. A favourite + theory is a possession for life; and we resent any attack + upon it proportionably. + + W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. + + + When Mrs. M'Gibbon was preparing to act Jane + Shore, at Liverpool, her dresser, an ignorant + country girl, informed her that a woman had + called to request two box orders, because she and her + daughter had walked four miles on purpose to see the + play. "Does she know me?" inquired the mistress. + "Not at all," was the reply. "What a very odd request!" + exclaimed Mrs. M'G. "Has the good woman got her + faculties about her?" "I think she have, ma'am, for I + see she ha' got summut tied up in a red silk handkercher." + + HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. + + + A clerke ther was, a puissant wight was hee, + Who of ye Wethere hadde ye maisterie; + Alway it was his mirthe and his solace + To put eche seson's wethere out of place. + + Whaune that Aprille shoures wer our desyre, + He gaf us Julye sonnes as hotte as fyre; + But sith ye summere togges we donned agayne, + Eftsoons ye wethere chaunged to colde and rayne. + + _Songs of Singularity._ + + + I shouldn't like to be a man--to cough so + loud, and stand straddling about on a wet day, + and be so wasteful with meat and drink. They're + a coarse lot, I think. + + _Denner_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Felix Holt_. + + + Once the mastodon was: pterodactyls were common as cocks: + Then the Mammoth was God: now is He a prize ox. + + Parallels all things are: yet many of these are askew: + You are certainly I: but certainly I am not you. + + Springs the rock from the plain, shoots the stream from the rock: + Cocks exist for the hen: but hens exist for the cock. + + God, whom we see not, is: and God, who is not, we see: + Fiddle, we know, is diddle: and diddle, we take it, is dee. + + _The Heptalogia._ + + + _A privileged person._--One who is so + much of a savage when thwarted that civilized + persons avoid thwarting him. + + ANNE EVANS, _Poems and Music_. + + + I've studied human nature, and I know a thing or two; + Though a girl may fondly love a living gent, as many do: + A feeling of disgust upon her senses there will fall + When she looks upon his body chopped particularly small. + + W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_. + + + The Bishop of Exeter, in the course of conversation + at a dinner-party, mentioned that many + years since, while trout-fishing, he lost his watch + and chain, which he supposed had been pulled from his + pocket by the bough of a tree. Some time afterwards, + when staying in the same neighbourhood, he took a + stroll by the side of the river, and came to the secluded + spot where he supposed he had lost his valuables, and + there, to his surprise and delight, he found them under a + bush. The anecdote, vouched for by the word of a + bishop, astonished the company; but this was changed + to amusement by his son's inquiring whether the watch, + when found, was going. "No," replied the bishop; + "the wonder was that it was not gone." + + GRONOW, _Recollections_. + + + _ON FORTUNE._ + + Fortune, they say, doth give too much to many: + And yet she never gave enough to any. + + SIR JOHN HARYNGTON (1561-1612). + + + I do not speak of this mole in any tone of complaint. + I desire to write nothing against him + which I should wish to recall at the last,--nothing + foreign to the spirit of that beautiful saying of + the dying boy, "He had no copybook, which, dying, he + was sorry he had blotted." + + C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. + + + Know, then, that when that touching scene + Had reached its tenderest pitch, + When all was pathos, calm, serene, + _His nose began to itch_. + + 'Twas sad, but so it came to pass, + The knight might chafe and frown, + But could not reach it, for alas! + _He wore his vizor down_. + + _Songs of Singularity._ + + + I remember asking [Bagehot] if he had enjoyed + a particular dinner which he had rather expected + to enjoy, but he replied, "No, the sherry was + bad; tasted as if L---- had dropped his h's into it." + + R. H. HUTTON, _Memoir of W. Bagehot_. + + + When Beings of the fairer sex + Arrange their white arms round our necks, + We are, we ought to be, enraptured. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. + + + "Pray, Mr. Foote, do you ever go to church?" + "No, madam; not that I see any harm in it." + + THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. + + + _ON AN INCAPABLE PERSON._ + + Fortune advanced thee that all might aver + That nothing is impossible to her. + + R. GARNETT (from the Greek). + + + I remember a Trinity College (Dublin) story of + a student who, having to translate Cæsar, rendered + the first sentence, "Omnis Gallia divisa est + in tres partes,"--"All Gaul is quartered into three + halves." + + W. H. HARRISON, _University Magazine_. + + + Always seem to be modest and bashful, yet wise; + Remember the value of using your eyes; + Recollect, too, that money's not easily met, + And always accept every offer you get; + Be polite to all--grandmammas, sisters, and mothers, + For they've all of them grandsons, or own sons or brothers; + And never forget the chief object in life + Is to quickly be settled--a well-to-do wife. + + _Phoebe_, in H. P. STEPHENS's _Billee Taylor_. + + + One asked what herb that was that cured all + diseases. It was answered, "Time." + + _Conceits, Clinches_, etc. (1639). + + + In his sleeves, which were long, + He had twenty-four packs-- + Which was coming it strong, + Yet I state but the facts; + And we found on his nails, which were taper, + What is frequent in tapers--that's wax. + + BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. + + + In a conversation which happened to turn on railway + accidents and the variety of human sufferings, + a bank director observed that he always + felt great interest in the case of a broken limb. "Then, + I suppose," said ----, "for a compound fracture you feel + compound interest." + + W. JERDAN, _Memoirs_. + + + _ON A CERTAIN POET._ + + Thy verses are eternal, O my friend, + For he who reads them reads them to no end. + + _A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727). + + + One day, coming late to dinner in the country, + [Lady Charlotte Lindsay] excused herself by + the "macadamnable" state of the roads. + + LORD HOUGHTON, _Monographs_. + + + I wish some girls that I could name + Were half as silent as their pictures! + + W. M. PRAED. + + + The other day I heard that whimsical fellow G---- + make a rather foolish remark, to the effect that + the pleasure of _not_ going to church was a + pleasure that _never_ palled. + + FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. + + + And day again declines; + In shadow sleep the vines, + And the last ray thro' the pines + Feebly glows, + Then sinks behind yon ridge; + And the usual evening midge + Is settling on the bridge + Of my nose. + + And keen's the air and cold, + And the sheep are in the fold, + And Night walks stable-stoled + Thro' the trees; + And on the silent river + The floating star-beams quiver;-- + And now, the saints deliver + Us from fleas. + + C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_. + + + Tommy Townshend, a violent, foolish fellow, + who was always talking strong language, said in + some debate, "Nothing will satisfy me but to + have the noble Lord [North]'s head; I will have his + head." Lord North said, "The honourable gentleman + says he will have my head. I bear him no malice in + return, for though the honourable gentleman says he will + have my head, I can assure him I would on no account + have his." + + CHARLES GREVILLE, _Diary_. + + + With undissembled grief I tell,-- + For sorrow never comes too late,-- + The simplest bonnet in Pall Mall + Is sold for £1 8_s._ + + CATHARINE M. FANSHAWE. + + + Said the Gryphon, "Do you know why it's called + a whiting?" + + "I never thought about it," said Alice. + "Why?" + + "_It does the boots and shoes_," the Gryphon replied + very solemnly. + + Alice was thoroughly puzzled. "Does the boots and + shoes?" she repeated in a wondering tone. + + "Why, what are _your_ shoes done with?" said the + Gryphon. "I mean, what makes them so shiny?" + + Alice looked down at them, and considered a little + before she gave her answer. "They're done with blacking, + I believe." + + "Boots and shoes under the sea," the Gryphon went + on in a deep voice, "are done with whiting. Now you + know." + + LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. + + + I'm always dull on Christmas Day, + It lets a flood of ills in, + For that's the time those birds of prey + Bring all their horrid bills in! + + J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. + + + The wit of a family is usually best received among + strangers. + + GEORGE ELIOT, _Middlemarch_. + + + Sweet maids in wimples fair y-wrought, + Shall smile upon thee. Thou shalt say, + Oft, by thy halidame, there's nought + So gracious and so fair as they, + But what thy halidame may be, + I trow 'tis useless asking me. + + H. SAVILE CLARKE. + + + Le vrai honnête homme est celui qui ne se pique de + rien. + + LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. + + + O memory! thou art but a sigh + For friendships dead and loves forgot, + And many a cold and altered eye + That once did say--Forget me not! + + And I must bow me to thy laws, + For--odd although it may be thought-- + I can't tell who the deuce it was + That gave me this Forget-me-not! + + _Bon Gaultier Ballads._ + + + What is Truth? "Bring me the wash-hand basin," + is the reply of Pontius Pilate. + + HEINRICH HEINE, _The Denunciator_. + + + _ON A RECENT ROBBERY._ + + They came and stole my garments, + My stockings, all my store, + But they could not steal my sermons, + For they were stolen before. + + REV. HENRY TOWNSHEND. + + + Some folk's tongues are like the clocks as run on + strikin', not to tell you the time o' day, but + because there's summat wrong i' their own + inside. + + _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. + + + 'Tis said that he lived upon bacon and beans, + And that sometimes he dined upon salt pork and greens; + But he thought that such feeding was rather humdrum,-- + "I've gone the whole hog," said little Tom Thumb. + + As Tom once was crossing a river close by, + A salmon snapped up, as it would at a fly; + But as it was dark Tom did sing rather mum-- + "I'm down in the mouth," said little Tom Thumb. + + Next day a black raven poor Tom did espy, + Which carried him up to the heaven so high; + If the bird let him go, to the ground would he come-- + "I'll be dashed if I do," said little Tom Thumb. + + J. A. SIDEY, _Mistura Curiosa_. + + + It is often harder to praise a friend than an enemy. + + W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. + + + _ON A CERTAIN PARSON._ + + By purchase a man's property is known: + Scarf's sermons and his livings are his own. + + _Epigrams in Distich_ (1740). + + + I measure men's dullness by the devices they + trust in for deceiving others. Your dullest + animal is he who grins and says he doesn't mind + just after he has had his shins kicked. + + MACHIAVELLI, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Romola_. + + + _GRAMMATICAL._ + + The least drop in the world I do not mind: + "Cognac" 's a noun I never yet declined. + + H. J. BYRON, in _English Epigrams_. + + + "There is no middle course," said Charles X. to + Talleyrand, "between the throne and the + scaffold!" "Your Majesty forgets the post-chaise!" + + CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. + + + I could not, while you shone, + Run all that heartless _babble off_ + That marks the modern _Babylon_. + + ROBERT REECE, in _Comic Poets_. + + + _TO AN IMPORTUNATE HOST + DURING DINNER AND AFTER TENNYSON._ + + Ask me no more: I've had enough Chablis; + The wine may come again, and take the shape, + From glass to glass, of "Mountain" or of "Cape;" + But, my dear boy, when I have answered thee, + Ask me no more. + + Ask me no more: what answer should I give? + I love not pickled pork nor partridge pie; + I feel if I took whisky I should die; + Ask me no more--for I prefer to live: + Ask me no more. + + Ask me no more: unless my fate is sealed, + And I have striven against you all in vain: + Let your good butler bring me Hock again: + Then rest, dear boy. If for this once I yield, + Ask me no more. + + W. D. A. + + + Sir Robert Grant told a story well, and + could pun successfully without boring. By way + of instance, on the beach at Sidmouth he pronounced + the six beautiful Miss Twopennys to be the + "Splendid shilling." + + LORD TEIGNMOUTH, _Reminiscences_. + + + Oh to be wafted away + From this black Aceldama of sorrow, + Where the dust of an earthy to-day, + Is the earth of a dusty to-morrow! + + _Bunthorne_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Patience_. + + + One said, painters were cunning fellows, for they + had a colour for everything they did. + + _Conceits, Clinches_, etc. (1639). + + + Dey vent to hear a breecher of + De last sensadion shtyle, + 'Twas 'nough to make der tyfel weep + To see his "awful shmile." + "Vot bities dat der Fechter ne'er + Vos in Theologie. + Dey'd make him pishop in dis shoorsh," + Said Breitmann, said he. + + C. G. LELAND, _Breitmann Ballads_. + + + "Oh! Pat; and what do you think will be your + feelings on the day of judgment when you + meet Mrs. Mahoney, and the pig you stole from + her, face to face?" "Does your reverence think the pig + will be there?" "Ay, indeed, will he; and what will ye + say then?" "I shall say, your reverence, 'Mrs. Mahoney, + dear, here's the pig that I borrowed of ye, and I'm + mighty glad to have this opportunity of restoring him!'" + + _Life of Rev. W. Harness._ + + + _In vino veritas!_--which means + A man's a very ass in liquor; + The "thief that slowly steals our brains" + Makes nothing but the temper quicker. + Next morning brings a train of woes, + But finds the passions much sedater-- + Who was it, now, that pulled my nose?-- + I'd better go and ask the waiter. + + H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Pegasus Resaddled_. + + + Jones, the tailor, was asked by a customer, who + thought much of his cut, to go down and have + some shooting with him in the country. Among + the party was the Duke of Northumberland. "Well, + Mr. Jones," observed his Grace, "I'm glad to see that + you are becoming a sportsman. What sort of gun do + you shoot with?" "Oh, with a double-breasted one, + your Grace," was the reply. + + _Life of Rev. W. Harness._ + + + Now wedlock is a sober thing, + No more of chains or forges! + A plain young man, a plain gold ring, + The curate, and St. George's. + + EDWARD FITZGERALD. + + + The greatest advantage I know of being thought + a wit by the world, is, that it gives one the + greater freedom of playing the fool. + + POPE, _Thoughts on Various Subjects_. + + + Conceive me, if you can, + An every-day young man: + A common-place type, + With a stick and a pipe, + And a half-bred black-and-tan; + Who thinks suburban "hops" + More fun than "Monday Pops"; + Who's fond of his dinner, + And doesn't get thinner, + On bottled beer and chops;-- + A common-place young man-- + A matter-of-fact young man-- + A steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank-holiday + Every-day young man! + + _Grosvenor_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Patience_. + + + I do not so much want to avoid being cheated, as + to afford the expense of being so; the generality + of mankind being seldom in good humour but + whilst they are imposing upon you in some shape or + other. + + SHENSTONE, _Essays_. + + + Only think, to have lords overrunning the nation, + As plenty as frogs in a Dutch inundation; + No shelter from barons, from earls no protection, + And tadpole young lords, too, in every direction,-- + Things created in haste, just to make a court list of, + Two legs and a coronet all they consist of! + + THOMAS MOORE. + + + Lo! the king, his footsteps this way bending, + His cogitative faculties immersed + In cogibundity of cogitation. + + _Aldiborontiphoscophornio_, in CAREY's _Chrononhotonthologos_. + + + It is with narrow-souled people, as with narrow-necked + bottles: the less they have in them, the + more noise they make in pouring out. + + POPE, _Thoughts on Various Subjects_. + + + One privilege to man is left-- + The privilege of earning + The doss that pays the weekly bills. + + H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Pegasus Resaddled_. + + + _Happy thought._--"Fridoline!" I have her + permission to call her Fridoline. + + Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts!! Happy + thoughts!!! + + I think I am speaking: she speaks: we speak + together. A pause. Oh, for one happy thought, now. + + "May I?" Her head is turned away from me: + slightly. She does not move. "I may?" + + _Happy Thought._--I do. + + F. C. BURNAND, _Happy Thoughts_. + + + + + INDEX. + + + A. + + Absence an element of charm, 236 + + Actress, an inanimate, 59 + + _Adam Bede_, quoted, 11, _et seq._ + + Adam's language, 27 + + Advice, Pope on giving, 87 + + Agreeable person, an, 6 + + Ailing and ale-ing, 227 + + Albemarle, Lord, quoted, 32, _et seq._ + + Alderman, on an, 180 + + Alderson, Baron, on Lord Campbell, 194 + + Aldrich, Dean, quoted, 229 + + _Alice in Wonderland_, quoted, 7, _et seq._ + + "A little backer," 175 + + "All Gaul is quartered," 253 + + "All my eye," 41, 93 + + All Saints, 106 + + Allsopp's ale, 152 + + "All the souls that were," 97 + + Altruism, Mallock on, 167 + + Alvanley, Lord, _mot_ by, 67 + + "Always seem to be modest," 253 + + _Amours de Voyage_, quoted, 59 + + "Anecdotage," 43, 107 + + Animals, George Eliot on, 41, 102 + + _Anti-Jacobin, the_, quoted, 33 + + "Ape in the days that were earlier," 43 + + "Ape with pliable thumb," 17 + + Aristocracy, the, Phoebus on, 170 + + Aristocratic poets, 223 + + Arnold, Matthew, on, 123 + + _Art de Parvenir, L'_, quoted, 231 + + Art-Unions, Hood on, 3 + + Ashburton, Lady, _mots_ by, 30, _et seq._ + + Ashby-Sterry, J., quoted, 22, _et seq._ + + _Aspen Court_, quoted, 5 + + Atalanta, on, 188 + + Athanasian Creed, the, 89 + + Austin, Alfred, quoted, 19, _et seq._ + + + B. + + _Bab Ballads_, quoted, 105, _et seq._ + + Bagehot, Walter, _mots_ by, 84, _et seq._ + + Bailey, Philip James, quoted, 26 + + Balbus, 103 + + _Ballades in Blue China_, quoted, 20, _et seq._ + + Balls and operas, on, 239 + + Balzac, quoted, 4, _et seq._ + + Bancroft, Thomas, quoted, 228 + + Barham, R. H., quoted, 12, _et seq._ + + Barrington, Sir Jonah, quoted, 28 + + Barry, Redmond, _mot_ by, 36 + + Bass's beer, 125 + + Baxter, Rose, and Norton, 66 + + Beaconsfield, Lord, quoted, 6, _et seq._ + + Bean, the, Warner on, 184 + + Bears, Locker on, 23 + + "Beautiful soup," 238 + + Beazley, Samuel, _mots_ by, 51, _et seq._ + + "Beer, such power hath," 235 + + _Beppo_, quoted, 21 + + Berkeley, Grantley, quoted, 142 + + _Biglow Papers, the_, quoted, 30, _et seq._ + + _Billee Taylor_, quoted, 127, _et seq._ + + Bills, Christmas, 256 + + ----, weekly, 202, 264 + + Bishops, Alvanley on, 129 + + "Bisness first," 15 + + Black, a great fact, 5 + + Blackie, Professor, quoted, 45, _et seq._ + + "Bloom of ugliness, the," 195 + + "Blossom of hawthorn," 25 + + Blows, George Eliot on, 137 + + Blue-stockings, on, 9 + + _Bon Gaultier Ballads_, quoted, 71, _et seq._ + + "Books are fatal," 52 + + Books, reading new, 221 + + Boredom, the secret of, 34 + + Bores, Lady Ashburton on, 30 + + _Boudoir Ballads_, quoted, 22, _et seq._ + + Boyd, Mark, quoted, 56, _et seq._ + + Bramston, John, quoted, 48 + + Braxfield, Lord, anecdote of, 133 + + "Break, break, break!" 213 + + _Breitmann Ballads_, quoted, 86, _et seq._ + + Bright, John, Professor Blackie on, 204 + + Brighton, Collins on, 84; + Ashby Sterry on, 211 + + _British Birds, the_, quoted, 21, _et seq._ + + Broad church, the, 36 + + "Broken English," 136 + + Brooks, Shirley, quoted, 5, _et seq._ + + Brown, to Lady, 214 + + Browne, C. F. _See_ Ward, Artemus. + + ----, J. Jemmett, quoted, 5, _et seq._ + + Brummell, _mot_ by, 69 + + Buckle, Professor Blackie on, 127 + + Burnand, F. C., quoted, 88, _et seq._ + + Busby, Dr., anecdote of, 150 + + Business, described, 8 + + Buxton, Charles, quoted, 27, _et seq._ + + Byron, H. J., quoted, 10, _et seq._ + + ----, Lord, quoted, 7, _et seq._; + _mot_ by, 62 + + + C. + + Callender, Miss, _mot_ on, 1 + + Calverley, C. S., quoted, 5, _et seq._ + + Campbell, Thomas, quoted, 231; + Rogers on, 35 + + Candide, Byron on, 216 + + Cannon, _mot_ by, 135 + + "Cannot have everything," 63 + + Cappadocians, on the, 4 + + _Careless Husband, the_, quoted, 1 + + Carey, Henry, quoted, 11, _et seq._ + + Carlyle, on, 180 + + _Carols of Cockayne_, quoted, 44, _et seq._ + + Carroll, Lewis, quoted, 7, _et seq._ + + Castlereagh, Lord, _mot_ by, 34 + + Catch, light-fingered, 135 + + Cayley, G. J., quoted, 80, _et seq._ + + Celebrity, Chamfort on, 13 + + Cerberus, H. J. Byron on, 228 + + Ceremony, 149 + + Chambermaids, Mark Twain on, 124 + + Chamfort, quoted, 13, _et seq._ + + Character, on, 140 + + _Characteristics_, Hazlitt's, quoted, 15, _et seq._ + + Charron, quoted, 174 + + Chatterton, Lady, quoted, 93 + + Chelmsford, Lord, _mot_ by, 142 + + Chesterfield, Lord, quoted, 53, _et seq._ + + Children, Dudley Warner on, 154 + + China, blue, 149 + + China-buying, 240 + + Chloe, Mortimer Collins's, 216 + + Chloris, to, 240 + + Chorley, H. F., quoted, 2, _et seq._ + + Christ Church "Marriage," 193 + + _Chrononhotonthologos_, quoted, 11, _et seq._ + + Churches as dormitories, 236 + + Cibber, Colley, quoted, 1 + + Clergy, the, and hoeing, 200 + + Close-fist's subscription, 194 + + Clough, A. H., quoted, 6, _et seq._ + + "Coach, coach, coach!" 11 + + Cockney, the, 173 + + "Cognac," Byron on, 259 + + Coleridge, S. T., quoted, 76, _et seq._ + + _Collection of Epigrams_, quoted, 3, _et seq._ + + College life, 166 + + Collins, Mortimer, quoted, 21, _et seq._ + + _Comic Poets_, quoted, 57, _et seq._ + + Companies, Thurlow on, 72 + + Company, our own, 225 + + Compliments, 60, 188 + + Compton's _Life_, quoted, 14, _et seq._; + _mots_ by, 55, _et seq._ + + _Conceits, Clinches_, etc., quoted, 232, _et seq._ + + Congreve, William, quoted, 12, _et seq._ + + Conscience, Mallock on, 108; + Byron on, 116 + + Constancy, Vauvenargues on, 65 + + Constant, Benjamin, _mot_ by, 230 + + Contentment, Holmes on, 24 + + Cork, Lady, anecdote of, 131 + + "Cornet waltzes, a," 54 + + Cornopean, the amateur, 173 + + Courage, drunken, on, 228 + + Courthope, W. J., quoted, 153 + + Courtship and marriage, 178 + + Cowden Clarke, Mrs., quoted, 78 + + Crawley, Richard, quoted, 36 + + Critics, the, 202 + + Croly, George, quoted, 188 + + Croquet, advice on, 224 + + Cunningham, John, quoted, 180 + + Curiosity only vanity, 240 + + Curran, _mots_ by, 29, _et seq._ + + "Cursed be the whole concern," 191 + + + D. + + Daddy Longlegs, Whately on, 90 + + Damnation, preaching, 30 + + Darwin, on, 8, 180 + + Daughter, an obstinate, 37 + + Davies, Scrope, quoted, 130 + + Deshoulières, Madame, quoted, 37 + + _Devil's Walk, the_, quoted, 36 + + _Diary_, Crabb Robinson's, quoted, 24, _et seq._ + + ---- Greville's, quoted, 129 + + ----, Moore's, quoted, 9, _et seq._ + + ----, W. C. Macready's, quoted, 75, _et seq._ + + ----, Young's, quoted, 4, _et seq._ + + Dickens, Charles, quoted, 15, _et seq._ + + Dinner, after, 185 + + Dinner-bell, Lord Byron on the, 7 + + _Dipsychus_, quoted, 163 + + "Dirty-two," 82 + + "_Dis_contents, the," 21 + + Dobson, Austin, quoted, 11, _et seq._ + + Domestic woman, a, 198 + + Donaldson, Dr., _mots_ by, 24, _et seq._ + + _Don Juan_, quoted, 7, _et seq._ + + Donne, Dr., quoted, 48; + _mot_ by, 212 + + "Don't Care," Helps on, 13 + + D'Orsay, Count, _mots_ by, 184, _et seq._ + + _Double Dealer, the_, quoted, 12 + + Drake, Dr., _mot_ by, 36 + + "Draw it mild," 219 + + Drawing on wood, 7 + + Dress, Vigo on, 222 + + Drinking, reasons for, 229 + + Dudley, Lord, Castlereagh on, 34; + _mot_ by, 241 + + _Duenna, the_, quoted, 37 + + Dumas _fils_, quoted, 87 + + Dust and disease, 78 + + "Dust of an earthy to-day, the," 261 + + Duty, Clough on, 6 + + Dying boy, the, 251 + + + E. + + Early rising, Saxe on, 122; + Hood on, 195 + + Eater, on a small, 226 + + Edinburgh, Hannay on, 116 + + Eliot, George, quoted, 6, _et seq._ + + Ellenborough, Lord, _mot_ by, 84 + + Emerson, R. W., quoted, 47 + + _Endymion_, Lord Beaconsfield's, 80, _et seq._ + + _English Epigrams_, quoted, 10, _et seq._ + + ---- language, the, 32, 60 + + "Entirely within their province," 244 + + _Epigram in Distich_, quoted, 85 + + Episcopal office, Sydney Smith on, 192 + + Equality, on, 45 + + _Eugene Aram_, quoted, 152 + + Evans, Anne, quoted, 49, _et seq._ + + Evening dress, on ladies', 174 + + ---- newspapers, 241 + + "Every-day young man, an," 263 + + Eye-glass, on the, 164 + + + F. + + _Fable for critics, a_, quoted, 178 + + False love's quirk, 230 + + Fanshawe, Catherine M., quoted, 256 + + Fashion, Lytton on, 18 + + Feeding a cold, 42 + + _Felix Holt_, quoted, 26 + + Felons and their "innocent enjoyment," 241 + + _Festus_, quoted, 26 + + Fiddler, on a bad, 3 + + Fielding, Henry, quoted, 56 + + Fields, J. T., quoted, 14, _et seq._ + + _Fifty years of my life_, quoted, 32, _et seq._ + + Fine lady, a, Pope on, 42 + + "First men of the century," 185 + + Fitzgerald, Edward, quoted, 262 + + Flattery, Vauvenargues on, 95 + + _Fly-leaves_, quoted, 15, _et seq._ + + Fools, Hazlitt on, 143 + + Foote, _mots_ by, 211, _et seq._ + + "Forever," 142 + + Fortune, on, 251 + + Forty year, 197 + + "Forty years long," 156 + + "Found it advisable," 57 + + "Four by honours," 33 + + Franklin, Mark Twain on, 178 + + Fraser, Professor, quoted, 247 + + Free-thinking, 113 + + "Free to confess," 47 + + Freeman, Mr., on, 242 + + ----, Thomas, quoted, 196 + + "Friend, go thy way," 155 + + Friends and ripe fruit, 79 + + ----, Hazlitt on, 106 + + _---- in Council_, quoted, 13, _et seq._ + + ----, Old, Selden on, 11 + + French, the, Harness on, 38 + + ---- and English, 210 + + Froude and Kingsley, 111 + + Fuller, Francis, quoted, 173 + + Funny man, a, 30 + + + G. + + Galla, Haryngton on, 225 + + "Gardener's rule, this," 248 + + Garnett, Richard, quoted, 60, _et seq._ + + Gay, John, quoted, 240 + + Genus, 111 + + "Georgium Any-sidus," 99 + + German language, the, 237 + + "Gift of the gab," 74 + + Gilbert, W. S., quoted, 14, _et seq._ + + _Gilfil's love story_, quoted, 41 + + Gillon, Joseph, _mot_ by, 141 + + Good little girls, 115 + + "Good not the word," 55 + + Good people, Locker on, 204 + + Grapes and gripes, on, 155 + + Gratitude, popular, 189 + + Graves, Richard, quoted, 225 + + Greville, Charles, quoted, 129 + + Gronow's _Recollections_, quoted, 10, _et seq._ + + _Guesses at Truth_, quoted, 5, _et seq._ + + + H. + + "Halidame, by thy," 257 + + Hamilton, Sir John, _mot_ by, 28 + + Hannay, James, quoted, 23, _et seq._ + + _Happy Thoughts_, quoted, 88, _et seq._ + + Harness, William, _mot_ by, 38 + + Harrison, W. H., quoted, 38, _et seq._ + + Harte, Bret, quoted, 80, _et seq._ + + Haryngton, Sir John, quoted, 225 + + Hay, John, quoted, 13, _et seq._ + + Haydon, B. R., quoted, 4, _et seq._ + + Hayward, Abraham, quoted, 3, _et seq._ + + Hazlitt, William, quoted, 15, _et seq._ + + Heath, Robert, quoted, 201 + + "Hegel's modest formula," 53 + + Heine, Heinrich, quoted, 126, _et seq._ + + Helps, Sir Arthur, quoted, 13, _et seq._ + + _Heptalogia, the_, quoted, 250 + + "Heureux plafond," 85 + + Hicks, epigrams by, 2, _et seq._ + + _High Life Below Stairs_, quoted, 37 + + Hill, Aaron, quoted, 205 + + _H.M.S. Pinafore_, quoted, 56 + + Holmes, Oliver Wendell, quoted, 24, _et seq._ + + Holland, Lord, epigram by, 51 + + "Home they brought," 200 + + Hood, Thomas, quoted, 3, _et seq._; + anecdotes of, 155, _et seq._ + + Hook, Theodore, _mots_ by, 2, _et seq._ + + _Horace at Athens_, quoted, 32, _et seq._ + + _---- in London_, quoted, 34 + + _Horse and Foot_, quoted, 36 + + House of Commons, on, 160 + + "How doth the little crocodile," 118 + + Hugman, R., quoted, 92 + + Hugo, Victor, Heine on, 151 + + Humility, Selden on, 48 + + Hunt, Leigh, quoted, 228 + + _Hunting of the Snark, the_, quoted, 22, _et seq._ + + Husband, an intemperate, 65 + + ----, the desire of a, 177 + + "Hyam to Moses," 19 + + _Hyperion_, quoted, 117 + + Hypocrite, a, 148 + + + I. + + "I and non-I," 246 + + "I loiter down," 162 + + "I make the butter fly," 32 + + _Idylls and Epigrams_, quoted, 60, _et seq._ + + Ignorance, blessed, 201 + + ----, Felix Holt on, 199 + + Immorality, present day, 92 + + Impositions of mankind, 263 + + Incapable person, on an, 252 + + _Ingoldsby Lyrics_, quoted, 12, _et seq._ + + Insolence, 12 + + Intentions, good, 91 + + Irving, Washington, _mot_ by, 4 + + + J. + + Jabberwock, The, 220 + + _Janet's Repentance_, quoted, 96 + + Jeaffreson, J. C., quoted, 85 + + Jekyll, _mot_ by, 26 + + Jenkins, Mrs., quoted, 171 + + Jenner, lines on, 6 + + Jerdan, William, quoted, 135 + + Jerrold, Douglas, _mot_ by, 14 + + "John P. Robinson, he," 30 + + Johnson, Dr., quoted, 50 + + "Juliet was a fool," 53 + + "Jure mariti," 57 + + Juxtaposition, Clough on, 113 + + + K. + + Kean, B. Smith and, 9 + + "Keep all you have," 17 + + Kemble, Fanny, quoted, 1, _et seq._ + + _Kenelm Chillingly_, quoted, 39 + + Kenny, _mot_ by, 156 + + "Kill him where he is," 147 + + _King Arthur_, quoted, 17 + + Kingsley and Froude, 111 + + Knowles, Sheridan, anecdotes of, 9, _et seq._ + + + L. + + _Ladies in Parliament_, quoted, 13, _et seq._ + + Ladies' accomplishments, on, 132 + + _Lady of Lyons, the_, quoted, 130 + + Lafayette, Heine on, 227 + + Lake poets, the, 130 + + Lamb, Charles, _mots_ by, 22, _et seq._ + + Landor, Walter Savage, quoted, 64, _et seq._ + + Lang, Andrew, quoted, 20, _et seq._ + + La Rochefoucauld, quoted, 20, _et seq._ + + _Las Alforgas_, quoted, 160 + + Latest Decalogue, the, 218 + + _Latter-Day Lyrics_, quoted, 101 + + Laughter, Byron on, 96 + + "Lays of now-a-days," 67 + + Leigh, H. S., quoted, 44, _et seq._ + + Leland, C. G., quoted, 86, _et seq._ + + _Letters to Julia_, quoted, 39 + + Lettuce and conversation, 169 + + Life described, 203 + + Lindsay, Lady Charlotte, _mots_ by, 70, _et seq._ + + Lingendes, Jean de, quoted, 151 + + _Literary Gazette, the_, quoted, 97 + + "Literature suited to desolate islands", 178 + + "Little Billee," quoted, 217 + + "Little knowledge, a," 95 + + "Livy was Tacitus," 122 + + Locker, Frederick, quoted, 8, _et seq._ + + Lockhart, J. G., quoted, 141 + + London, Morris on, 4 + + _---- Lyrics_, quoted, 8, _et seq._ + + Longfellow, quoted, 117 + + "Look to settlements," 145 + + _Lothair_, quoted, 6, _et seq._ + + Lot's wife, Hicks on, 2 + + Love and marriage, 31, 99, 159, 168 + + ---- and wisdom, 174 + + ----, Chamfort on, 55 + + ----, Corporal Bunting on, 152 + + ----, first and second, 195 + + ----, first, Bernal on, 112 + + _---- for Love_, quoted, 77 + + ---- -letters, 158 + + "---- levels all," 239 + + ---- -making, Balzac on, 4 + + ----, manifestations of, 127 + + ---- song, by H. Smith, 18 + + "Lovely woman, lump of folly," 184 + + "Love's but a dance," 27 + + Lowell, J. R., quoted, 30, _et seq._ + + Lucilius, quoted, 208 + + Luck, good and bad, 150 + + "Luke-warm," 117 + + Luttrell, Henry, _mots_ by, 23, _et seq._; + quoted, 39 + + Lying and good breeding, 77 + + _Lyra Urbanica_, quoted, 4, _et seq._ + + Lytton, Lord, quoted, 8, _et seq._ + + + M. + + "Macadamnable," 254 + + Macaulay, Lord, quoted, 2, _et seq._ + + MacCulloch, _mot_ by, 219 + + Mackay, Charles, quoted, 68 + + _Macmillan's Magazine_, quoted, 33, _et seq._ + + Macready, W. C., quoted, 75 + + Magnanimity, Hazlitt on, 15 + + "Maidens of the mart," 19 + + Mallock, W. H., quoted, 46, _et seq._ + + Man of business, the, 75 + + _---- of Taste, the_, quoted, 48 + + Man's end, 30 + + _Margaret Percival_, quoted, 15 + + Marie-Louise, 227 + + Marriage, Shirley Brooks on, 55; + Mrs. Steele on, 58; + Selden on, 71, 95; + Chamfort on, 79 + + Martial, in London, 169; + quoted, 221 + + Matrimony, Heine on, 171 + + Matter, the laws of, 46 + + _Maximes_, Chamfort's, quoted, 13, _et seq._ + + Men, George Eliot on, 249 + + Men's nature, Buxton on, 27 + + Mendelssohn, anecdote of, 133 + + Meredith, George, quoted, 31 + + Merit, how treated, 28 + + Merry Wives of Windsor, the, 186 + + _Middlemarch_, quoted, 21, _et seq._ + + Middleton, Lord, anecdote of, 172 + + _Mill on the Floss, the_, quoted, 17, _et seq._ + + Mind and Matter, Neaves on, 140 + + Minorities, the rights of, 208 + + _Mistura Curiosa_, quoted, 147, _et seq._ + + Mitford, Miss, quoted, 67, _et seq._ + + "Mixture as before, the," 244 + + _Modern Love_, quoted, 31 + + _Money_, quoted, 60 + + ----, Clough on, 163 + + Monk Lewis, anecdote of, 54 + + Montrond, _mots_ by, 168, _et seq._ + + Moore, Thomas, quoted, 9, _et seq._ + + Morality, H. Smith on, 51 + + Mormons, on the, 197 + + Morris, Charles, quoted, 4, _et seq._ + + "Most music-hall," 243 + + Mothers-in-law, 146, 247 + + _Musa Burschicosa_, quoted, 45, _et seq._ + + "My Lord," 183 + + _My Summer in a Garden_, quoted, 47, _et seq._ + + + N. + + Narrow-souled people, 264 + + Neaves, Lord, quoted, 8, _et seq._ + + Neilson, Miss, on, 67 + + "Never read," 89 + + Newell, R. H., quoted, 26, _et seq._ + + Newgate Windows, on, 229 + + _New Paul and Virginia_, quoted, 46, _et seq._ + + _---- Republic, the_, quoted, 92, _et seq._ + + Newspapers, Lord Beaconsfield on, 152 + + Nice, on the word, 229 + + North, Lord, _mot_ by, 67 + + Northern lights, on, 58 + + _Notes of thought_, quoted, 27, _et seq._ + + "Nothing is, and nothing's not," 53 + + "---- new," 47 + + "---- particular on my mind," 40 + + Novel, A Nutshell, 119 + + ----, a sensation, described, 93 + + November, Planché on, 203 + + Number One, Lytton on, 50 + + + O. + + O'Connell, Morgan John, _mot_ by, 70 + + _Old Bachelor, the_, quoted, 178 + + _Old Times and Distant Places_, quoted, 34 + + Oliphant, Lawrence, quoted. 35, _et seq._ + + _Once a Week_, quoted, 9, _et seq._ + + Onion, the, 47 + + "---- is strength," 105 + + Orange, the, 156 + + _Orpheus C. Kerr Papers_, quoted, 26, _et seq._ + + Original sin, 231 + + Outram, George, quoted, 179 + + Overbury, Sir Thomas, quoted, 104 + + _Owl, the_, quoted, 64 + + + P. + + Palladas, quoted, 59, _et seq._ + + _Pall Mall Gazette, the_, quoted, 53, _et seq._ + + Palmerston, Lord, _mot_ by, 85 + + _Paradise of Birds, the_, quoted, 153 + + "_Parcus_ deorum cultor," 73 + + Parr, Dr., Basil Montague on, 129 + + Pascal, quoted, 240 + + _Patchwork_, quoted, 45, _et seq._ + + _Patience_, quoted, 88, _et seq._ + + Patrons' promises, Lord Holland on, 51 + + _Paul Clifford_, quoted, 8 + + Peel, Sir Robert, _mot_ by, 111 + + _Pelham_, quoted, 18 + + Pennell, H. Cholmondeley, quoted, 16, _et seq._ + + _Pensées_, Pascal's, quoted, 240 + + Permissive Bill, the, 203 + + "Personal" and "real," 32 + + _Phantasmagoria_, quoted, 85, _et seq._ + + Phoebe, to, 187 + + Phryne, Donne on, 48 + + _Physiologie du Mariage_, quoted, 4, _et seq._ + + _Piccadilly_, quoted, 35, _et seq._ + + "Pickle your lordship!" 247 + + Picnic party, a, 15, 86 + + Pictures, seeing, 151 + + Piety and cooking, 112 + + _Pirates of Penzance, the_, quoted, 58 + + "Plain leg of mutton," 55 + + Planché, J. R., quoted, 9, _et seq._ + + Pleasing, the art of, 31 + + Pleasure of not going to church, the, 254 + + Pleasures of the people, the, 234 + + Plunket, _mots_ by, 32, _et seq._ + + _Poems and Music_, quoted, 49, _et seq._ + + _Poetical Farrago, the_, quoted, 154 + + Poets' meaning, Byron on, 21 + + Poisoners, social, 110 + + "Policeman's lot, the," 209 + + Pommery Gréno, 193 + + Poole, _mot_ by, 161 + + Poor relations, George Eliot on, 43 + + Pope, Alexander, quoted, 42, _et seq._ + + Popular man, a, 122 + + Positivists, the, Collins on, 108, 138 + + Poverty, on, 85; + the ancients on, 8 + + Practical man, a, 49 + + "Practising all night," 35 + + Praed, W. M., quoted, 128 + + Praise, La Rochefoucauld on, 20 + + Preaching, Baron Alderson on, 174 + + Preoccupied man, a, 129 + + Presbyterian singing, 215 + + Pride of talent, 73 + + "Priest's orders," 61 + + Prigs, 120 + + Prima donna, the, and stout, 5 + + Primitive man, Lang on, 20 + + ---- tongue, the, 49 + + Princess-robe, the, 84 + + Privileged person, a, 250 + + "Pro conibus calidis," 68 + + Procter, Bryan Waller, quoted, 35 + + Property in England, 165 + + Prophecy, a mistake, 239 + + Prospectus, 41 + + _Proverbs in Porcelain_, quoted, 27, _et seq._ + + Public dinners, Helps on, 44 + + Public-house, on a, 90 + + _Puck on Pegasus_, quoted, 16, _et seq._ + + _Punch_, quoted, 228, _et seq._ + + Punsters, Lamb on, 246 + + Pygmalion, on, 5 + + + Q. + + _Question d'Argent, la_, quoted, 87 + + + R. + + Radical, on a certain, 215 + + ---- reformer, on a, 23 + + Rank and trade, on, 5 + + Recognition, the, 183 + + _Recollections_, Berkeley's, quoted, 142 + + ----, Gronow's, quoted, 10, _et seq._ + + ----, Mackay's, quoted, 68, _et seq._ + + ----, Planché's, quoted, 9, _et seq._ + + _Record of a Girlhood_, quoted, 1, _et seq._ + + Reece, Robert, quoted, 57, _et seq._ + + _Réflexions_, Deshoulières', quoted, 37 + + ----, La Rochefoucauld's, 20, _et seq._ + + ----, Vauvenargues', quoted, 65, _et seq._ + + Reliable, on the word, 170 + + Religion, Selden on, 176 + + ---- of humanity, the, 242 + + _Reminiscences_, Boyd's, quoted, 56, _et seq._ + + ----, Teignmouth's, 36, _et seq._ + + Repentance, La Rochefoucauld on, 59; + Hazlitt on, 60 + + Retz, Cardinal de, quoted, 96 + + Reynolds, Hamilton, _mot_ by, 133 + + _Richelieu_, quoted, 76 + + "Rise up, cold reverend," 83 + + Robinson, Crabb, quoted, 24, _et seq._ + + Rogers, Samuel, quoted, 1, _et seq._; + _mots_ by, 21, _et seq._ + + Romances, Byron on, 177 + + _Romola_, quoted, 6, _et seq._ + + "Rose kissed me to-day," 48 + + Rose, Sir George, _mots_ by, 33, _et seq._ + + Rossini, anecdotes of, 76, _et seq._ + + Routh, Dr., _mot_ by, 86 + + "Rum and true religion," 159 + + + S. + + "Saddest when I sing," 16 + + Safety in numbers, 98 + + Saints and sinners, 81 + + Salad, Mortimer Collins on, 236 + + Satan a blunderer, 225 + + Saunders and Otley, 94 + + Savile Clarke, H., quoted, 125, _et seq._ + + Sawyer, William, quoted, 65, _et seq._ + + Saxe, John Godfrey, quoted, 10, _et seq._ + + Scandal, on, 196 + + Scotch economy, 40 + + Scotch tunes, 152 + + Scotch weather, on, 205 + + _Season, the_, quoted, 19, _et seq._ + + Sègur, Comte de, quoted, 87 + + Selden, John, quoted, 11, _et seq._ + + Self-satisfaction, 235 + + Sensible men, the religion of, 146 + + Sermons, stolen, 258, 259 + + "Sermons and soda-water," 150 + + Sewell, Miss, quoted, 15 + + "Shade over, a," 226 + + Shakespeare, quoted, 10 + + Shelburne, Lord, _mot_ by, 159 + + Shenstone, William, quoted, 44, _et seq._ + + Sheridan, R. B., quoted, 37; + _mot_ by, 65 + + "Shickspur," 37 + + _Shotover Papers, the_, quoted, 83, _et seq._ + + Sidey, J. A., quoted, 147 + + Sinclair, Archdeacon, quoted, 34 + + "Sing for the garish eye," 14 + + Singer, on a bad, 76 + + "Singing singers, the," 87 + + _Sketches and Characters_, quoted, 23, _et seq._ + + Smith, Horace, quoted, 18, _et seq._; + _mot_ by, 25 + + ----, James, _mot_ by, 213; + quoted, 34, _et seq._ + + ----, Robert, _mots_ by, 2, _et seq._ + + ----, Sydney, _mots_ by, 1, _et seq._ + + Societies, Chesterfield on, 208 + + Society, a state of war, 231 + + Society, two classes in, 120 + + _Songs and Poems_, Planché's, quoted, 75, _et seq._ + + _Songs and Verses_, Neaves's, quoted, 8, _et seq._ + + _---- of many Seasons_, quoted, 5, _et seq._ + + _---- of Singularity_, quoted, 32, _et seq._ + + _Sorcerer, the_, quoted, 61 + + Southesk, Lord, quoted, 230 + + Speculation, George Eliot on, 52 + + ---- and peculation, 210 + + "Splendid shilling, the," 260 + + Squinted, on one who, 207 + + Steele, Mrs. A. C., quoted, 5, _et seq._ + + Stephens, H. P., quoted, 127, _et seq._ + + Stuart Mill on Mind and Matter, 140 + + Stupid people, on, 179 + + Stupidity, Heine on, 159 + + Suckling, Sir John, quoted, 98 + + Sunday dismality, 123 + + Swift, Jonathan, quoted, 49, _et seq._ + + + T. + + _Table Talk_, Selden's, quoted, 11, _et seq._ + + Tailors, Overbury on, 104 + + "Take him for half and half," 68 + + Talleyrand, _mot_ by, 10 + + Teignmouth, Lord, quoted, 36, _et seq._ + + Temper, on losing, 138 + + "Tender ten," 53 + + Tennyson, Alfred, quoted, 148; + anecdote of, 132 + + ----, after, 260 + + Thackeray, _mots_ by, 46, _et seq._; + quoted, 55 + + Theatrical nuisance, on a, 220 + + Theophilus, Rogers on, 1 + + Theory, a favourite, 248 + + Thurlow, Lord, _mot_ by, 72 + + "Tide of time, the," 107 + + Tierney, _mot_ by, 136 + + Time, on, 253 + + _Tin Trumpet, the_, quoted, 18, _et seq._ + + "Tommy Onslow", 46 + + Tom Thumb, 258 + + _Tom Thumb_, quoted, 56 + + "Too much--too much," 136 + + "To sniggle or to dibble," 175 + + "To urn or not to urn," 65 + + Town and country, 128 + + Townshend, Henry, quoted, 130 + + Tradition, George Eliot on, 76 + + Tragedies and comedies, 124 + + Trapp, Dr., epigram on, 154 + + Traveller, the, and the gorilla, 60 + + Travelling, on, 180 + + Trevelyan, G. O., quoted, 13, _et seq._ + + _Trial by Jury_, quoted, 43 + + "Trifles," on, 214 + + Turner, Godfrey, quoted, 20 + + Turnips, Mark Twain on, 19 + + Twain, Mark, quoted, 19, _et seq._ + + 'Twas ever thus, 198 + + Tweeddale, Lady, story of, 2 + + _Twelfth Night_, quoted, 10 + + "Twinkle, twinkle, little bat," 97 + + Tyndall, Professor, Collins on, 192 + + + U. + + Umbrellas, on, 240 + + _University Magazine, the_, quoted, 38 + + "Upper G., my," 139 + + + V. + + Vanity, 143, 116 + + Vauvenargues, quoted, 65, _et seq._ + + _Veiled Prophet, the_, parody on, 222 + + Veracity, George Eliot on, 68 + + _Verses and Translations_, quoted, 5, _et seq._ + + "Vexation of spirit," 35 + + _Vignettes in Rhyme_, quoted, 11, _et seq._ + + Virtutem, in, 196 + + "Voice of the lobster," 42 + + Voltaire, quoted, 34; + Charles Lamb on, 220 + + + W. + + Walpole, Horace, quoted, 2, _et seq._ + + Walrus and the Carpenter, the, 158 + + Ward, Artemus, quoted, 7, _et seq._ + + Warner, Charles Dudley, quoted, 47, _et seq._ + + Warrender, Sir George, story of, 239 + + Washington, George, Mark Twain on, 185 + + Water, Lord Neaves on, 181 + + Weather, the clerk of the, 249 + + Webbe, Egerton, quoted, 170 + + "Wedlock is a sober thing," 262 + + "Weed, the," Neaves on, 70 + + Welsh language, the, 238 + + Werther and Charlotte, 166 + + Whiting and the snail, the, 7 + + Whately, anecdotes of, 3, _et seq._ + + _What will he do with it?_ quoted, 89, _et seq._ + + "When other lips," 190 + + "Whims and oddities," 3, _et seq._ + + Whitings or shoeblacks, 256 + + "Why the Dickens," 16 + + Wife, a, 108 + + "Wife who preaches, a," 135 + + Wife's dress, a, 227 + + "Wife's a widdy, his," 101 + + "Wilcox or Gibbs?" 21 + + _Wit and Humour_, Brooks's, quoted, 6, _et seq._ + + Wit of a family, the, 257 + + _Within an Ace_, quoted, 171 + + Wives, on, 167 + + Woman, a, with babbies, 196 + + ---- before marriage, 245 + + Woman's choice, 143 + + ---- self-love, 163 + + Women and a secret, 76 + + ---- and books, 217, 130 + + ---- and degrees, 104 + + ---- and fact, 41 + + ---- and flattery, 114, 132 + + ---- and insincerity, 163 + + ----, and men's happiness, 126 + + ----, and men's praise, 126 + + ---- and revenge, 54 + + ---- and spite, 107 + + ---- and their lovers, 13, 77 + + ---- and wills, 92 + + ----, and young and old, 120 + + ---- as unionists, 151 + + ----, Bartle Massey on, 175 + + ----, Congreve on, 243 + + ---- in a garden, 247 + + ----, management of, 39 + + ---- matched with men, 160 + + ----, talkativeness of, 131 + + ----, the two passions of, 125 + + Women's conversation, 49 + + ---- rights, 86 + + ---- virtue, 135, 205 + + Working by the hour, 139 + + Working-man, the, 161 + + _World, the_, quoted, 76 + + Wraxall, Sir Nathaniel, quoted, 138 + + Writing-master, on a left-handed, 173 + + "Wus, ever wus," 78 + + + Y. + + Yates, Edmund, quoted, 106, _et seq._ + + _Yesterdays with authors_, quoted, 14, _et seq._ + + Young, Brigham, 157 + + ----, J. C., quoted, 4, _et seq._ + + ---- ladies of to-day, 137 + + ---- men of to-day, 93 + + +PRINTED BY WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED, LONDON AND BECCLES. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Quips and Quiddities, by William Davenport Adams + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41713 *** |