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diff --git a/41713-8.txt b/41713-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 8ad1cde..0000000 --- a/41713-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,12010 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg's Quips and Quiddities, by William Davenport Adams - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Quips and Quiddities - A Quintessence of Quirks Quaint, Quizzical and Quotable - -Author: William Davenport Adams - -Release Date: December 27, 2012 [EBook #41713] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES *** - - - - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Eric Skeet and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -Transcriber's Notes: - - Italic text is denoted by _underscores_. - - No attempt at consistency of spelling or punctuation has been made, - as the entire text consists of direct quotations from other sources. - - A few minor corrections have been made to the index or where the - original source has clearly been misprinted. - - * * * * * - - - - -QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES - -_Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2s. 6d. per volume._ - -THE MAYFAIR LIBRARY. - - -THE NEW REPUBLIC. By W. H. MALLOCK. - -THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA. By W. H. MALLOCK. - -THE TRUE HISTORY OF JOSHUA DAVIDSON. By E. -LYNN LINTON. - -OLD STORIES RE-TOLD. By WALTER THORNBURY. - -PUNIANA. By the Hon. HUGH ROWLEY. - -MORE PUNIANA. By the Hon. HUGH ROWLEY. - -THOREAU: HIS LIFE AND AIMS. By H. A. PAGE. - -BY STREAM AND SEA. By WILLIAM SENIOR. - -JEUX D'ESPRIT. Collected and Edited by HENRY S. LEIGH. - -GASTRONOMY AS A FINE ART. By BRILLAT-SAVARIN. - -THE MUSES OF MAYFAIR. Edited by H. CHOLMONDELEY -PENNELL. - -PUCK ON PEGASUS. By H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL. - -ORIGINAL PLAYS by W. S. GILBERT. FIRST SERIES. -Containing--The Wicked World, Pygmalion and Galatea, Charity, -The Princess, The Palace of Truth, Trial by Jury. - -ORIGINAL PLAYS by W. S. GILBERT. SECOND SERIES. -Containing--Broken Hearts, Engaged, Sweethearts, Dan'l Druce, -Gretchen, Tom Cobb, The Sorcerer, H.M.S. Pinafore, -The Pirates of Penzance. - -CAROLS OF COCKAYNE. By HENRY S. LEIGH. - -LITERARY FRIVOLITIES, FANCIES, FOLLIES, AND -FROLICS. By W. T. DOBSON. - -PENCIL AND PALETTE. By ROBERT KEMPT. - -THE BOOK OF CLERICAL ANECDOTES. By JACOB -LARWOOD. - -THE SPEECHES OF CHARLES DICKENS. - -THE CUPBOARD PAPERS. By FIN-BEC. - -QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES. Selected by W. DAVENPORT ADAMS. - -MELANCHOLY ANATOMISED: a Popular Abridgment of "Burton's Anatomy of -Melancholy." - -THE AGONY COLUMN OF "THE TIMES," FROM 1800 TO 1870. -Edited by ALICE CLAY. - -PASTIMES AND PLAYERS. By ROBERT MACGREGOR. - -CURIOSITIES OF CRITICISM. By HENRY J. JENNINGS. - -THE PHILOSOPHY OF HANDWRITING. By DON FELIX -DE SALAMANCA. - -LATTER-DAY LYRICS. Edited by W. DAVENPORT ADAMS. - -BALZAC'S COMÉDIE HUMAINE AND ITS AUTHOR. -With Translations by H. H. WALKER. - -_Other Volumes are in preparation._ - -CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY, W. - - - - -QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES - -_A QUINTESSENCE OF QUIRKS -QUAINT, QUIZZICAL, AND -QUOTABLE_ - - -SELECTED AND EDITED BY -W. DAVENPORT ADAMS - -AUTHOR OF THE "DICTIONARY OF ENGLISH LITERATURE," ETC. - -[Illustration] - -"How now, how now, mad wag? what, in thy Quips and thy Quiddities?" - -I _Henry IV._, i. 2 - -London -CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY -1881 - -[_All rights reserved._] - - - - -PREFACE. - - -This is a modest little volume. It consists but -of selections from the Editor's note-book, and its -object is but to amuse. It does not even aspire -to be read consecutively. The Compiler's hope -is only that it may be found a pleasant companion -at spare moments--that it may be considered -handy for the pocket, and be thought agreeable to -dip into. - -To that end, two things have been aimed at in -selecting--brevity and variety. There is scarcely -anything in the volume that cannot be read -almost at a glance, and the matter ranges over -a wide extent of literary effort--over play and -poem, over essay and novel, over maxim and epigram, -over memoir and diary. There is pun, and -there is parody; there is satire, and there is sarcasm. -In a word, the little book may say, with -Lafontaine, "Diversité c'est ma devise." There is -diversity even in the arrangement, which consists -merely of a general alternation of the prose and -verse. For the rest, the quips and quiddities are -in intentional disorder. - -Let it be added that, though there are a few -anonymous passages, most are duly attributed to -their writers, together with references to the -volumes from which they have been taken. In -this, every care has been exercised to arrive at -accuracy. The idea of completeness is, of course, -foreign to a selection of this sort, and it may be -mentioned that the Editor has been specially -anxious to avoid as much as possible the ground -covered by Mr. Leigh in his "Jeux d'Esprit," and -by Mr. Dobson in his "Literary Frivolities." His -aim, indeed, has been to take the freshest and least -hackneyed of the passages in his collection, though -he has not hesitated to include a venerable saying -when it has seemed to him as good as it is venerable. - -In conclusion, the Compiler desires to express -in the most hearty manner his indebtedness to -those numerous living writers whose bright and -airy fancies form, in his opinion, one of the chief -attractions of the book. He ought, perhaps, to -apologize to those writers for presenting their -fancies in a manner so generally fragmentary and -disconnected. But that the contents of the book -should be thus disconnected and fragmentary was -part and parcel of its plan and origin, and, that -being the case, the Editor hopes to be excused. -He may state that, in those few cases where a -piece of verse is given entire, it is distinguished -by the presence of a heading. The epigrams, -maxims, and anecdotes are, of course, reproduced -as written--being, in their very nature, of the -brevity essential to a quip. - -Further: on the principle that no book, however -unpretending, should be without an Index, the -Compiler has supplied one for the present volume. - -W.D.A. - - - - - "Shall I tell thee one thing, Poins?" - "Yes, faith; and let it be an excellent good thing." - - I _Henry IV._, ii. 2. - - - - - QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES. - - - When Miss Callender, afterwards Mrs. Sheridan, - published a novel, the hero of which commits - forgery, that wicked wit, Sydney Smith, said he - knew she was a Callender, but did not know till then - that she was a Newgate Calendar. - - FANNY KEMBLE, _Record of a Girlhood_. - - - An estate and beauty joined, are of an unlimited, nay, a power - pontifical; make one not only absolute, but infallible. A fine - woman's never in the wrong. - - _Lady Betty_, in CIBBER's _Careless Husband_. - - - _THEOPHILUS._ - - When I'm drinking my tea - I think of my _The_; - When I'm drinking my coffee - I think of my _Offee_; - So, whether I'm drinking my tea or my coffee, - I'm always a-thinking of thee, my Theoffy. - - ROGERS, _apud_ MOORE. - - - Bobus was very amusing. He is a great authority - on Indian matters. We talked of the insects - and the snakes, and he said a thing which - reminded me of his brother Sydney: "Always, sir, - manage to have at your table some fleshy blooming - young writer or cadet, just come out, that the mosquitoes - may stick to him, and leave the rest of the company - alone." - - LORD MACAULAY, _Life_. - - - Lady Greenwich, in a conversation with - Lady Tweeddale, named the Saxons. "The - Saxons, my dear," cried the Marchioness; "who - were they?" "Lord, madam, did your ladyship never - read the History of England?" "No, my dear; pray, - who wrote it?" - - HORACE WALPOLE, _Correspondence_. - - - _ON THE MARRIAGE OF A MR. LOT AND A MISS SALTER._ - - Because on her way she chose to halt, - Lot's wife, in the Scriptures, was turned into salt; - But though in her course she ne'er did falter, - This young Lot's wife, strange to say, was Salter. - - HICKS, _apud_ J. C. YOUNG. - - - Hook was dining at Powell's one day, and the talk - fell upon _feu_ Jack Reeve. "Yes," said Theodore, - when they were speaking of his funeral, - "I met him in his private box, going to the pit." - - H. F. CHORLEY, _Life and Letters_. - - - _TO A BAD FIDDLER._ - - Old Orpheus played so well, he moved old Nick, - While thou mov'st nothing but thy fiddlestick! - - _A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727). - - - A lady from China who was dining with the - Archbishop [Whately] told him that English - flowers reared in that country lose their perfume - in two or three years. "Indeed!" was the immediate - remark, "I had no idea that the Chinese were such - de-scent-ers." - - E. J. WHATELY's _Life of Whately_. - - - _ON THE ART UNIONS._ - - That Picture-Raffles will conduce to nourish - Design, or cause good colouring to flourish, - Admits of logic-chopping and wise-sawing: - But surely Lotteries encourage Drawing? - - THOMAS HOOD, _Whims and Oddities_. - - - Robert Smith (brother of Sydney, and familiarly - called "Bobus") was a lawyer and an - ex-Advocate-General, and happened on one - occasion to be engaged in argument with an excellent - physician touching the merits of their respective professions. - "You must admit," urged Dr. ----, "that - your profession does not make angels of men." "No," - was the retort, "there you have the best of it; yours - certainly gives them the first chance." - - ABRAHAM HAYWARD, _Essays_. - - - In London I never know what I'd be at, - Enraptured with this, and enchanted by that; - I'm wild with the sweets of variety's plan, - And Life seems a blessing too happy for man. - - But the Country, Lord help me! sets all matters right; - So calm and composing from morning to night; - Oh! it settles the spirits when nothing is seen - But an ass on a common, a goose on a green. - - CHARLES MORRIS, _Lyra Urbanica_. - - - Parler d'amour, c'est faire amour. - - BALZAC, _Physiologie du Mariage_. - - - At the Polish ball, the Lord Mayor said to Lady - Douglas, who squints, "Which do you prefer, - my lady, Gog or Magog?" "Of the _three_," - said Lady Douglas, "I prefer your lordship!" - - B. R. HAYDON, _Diary_. - - - _ON THE CAPPADOCIANS._ - - A viper bit a Cappadocian's hide; - But 'twas the viper, not the man, that died. - - ANON., _from the Greek_. - - - The merits of a certain American diplomatist being - on the _tapis_, [Washington Irving] said, in allusion - to his pomposity, "Ah, he is a great man; - and, in his own estimation, a very great man--a man of - great weight. When he goes to the West, the East - tips up." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - When a rapt audience has encored "Fra Poco" - Or "Casta Diva," I have heard that then - The Prima Donna, smiling herself out, - Recruits her flagging powers with bottled stout. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_. - - - I believe everything. It saves one such a world - of bore from intelligent people who are anxious - to explain things you doubt about. - - _Lucy Forrester_, in BROOKS' _Aspen Court_. - - - Rank so friendly now with trade is, - Bill discounters titled ladies - Stoop to raise. - Manners used to make the man, - It is only money can - Nowadays. - - J. JEMMETT BROWNE, _Songs of Many Seasons_. - - - Black is a great fact. Want of fashion in the cut; - want of richness in the material; want of _chic_ - in the wearer--all these it covers, like charity. - There's a sentiment about it which appeals to the feelings, - and it is becoming to the skin. - - ANNA C. STEELE. - - - Are you quite sure that Pygmalion is the only - person who ever fell in love with his own - handiwork? - - _Guesses at Truth._ - - - Duty,--that's to say the complying - With whate'er's expected here, - On your unknown cousin's dying, - Straight be ready with the tear; - Upon etiquette relying, - Unto usage nought denying, - Lend your waist to be embraced, - Blush not even, never fear. - - A. H. CLOUGH, _Poems_. - - - What Jenner said on hearing in Elysium that - complaints had been made of his having a statue - in Trafalgar Square:-- - - England, ingratitude still blots - The escutcheon of the brave and free: - I saved you many million spots, - And now you grudge one spot to me. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - Deh! what are we sinners doing all our lives? - Making soup in a basket, and getting nothing - but the scum for our stomachs. - - _Machiavelli_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Romola_. - - - My idea of an agreeable person is a person who - agrees with me. - - _Hugo Bohun_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Lothair_. - - - "Will you walk a little faster?" said a whiting to a snail, - "There's the porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail. - See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance! - They are waiting on the shingle--will you come and join the dance? - - "You can really have no notion how delightful it will be - When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!" - But the snail replied, "Too far, too far!" and gave a look askance, - Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - I could draw on wood at a very tender age. - When a mere child I once drew a small cartload - of turnips over a wooden bridge. The people - of the village noticed me. I drew their attention. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - That all-softening over-powering knell, - The tocsin of the soul--the dinner-bell. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - Now Darwin proves as clear as mud, - That, endless ages ere the Flood, - The Coming Man's primeval form - Was simply an Ascidian worm: - And having then the habit got - Of passing liquor down his throat, - He keeps it still, and shows full well - That Man--was--once----a leather bottèl. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - "The ancients," quoth Paul, "were very great - men, Mr. MacGrawler." - "They were so, sir," returned the critic; - "we make it a rule in our profession to assert that fact." - "But, sir," said Paul, "they are wrong now and then." - "Never, Ignoramus, never." - "They praised poverty, Mr. MacGrawler," said Paul, - with a sigh. - "Hem," quoth the critic, a little staggered; but presently - recovering his characteristic acumen, he observed, - "It is true, Paul, but that was the poverty of other - people." - - LORD LYTTON, _Paul Clifford_. - - - Yes, Fortune deserves to be chidden, - It is a coincidence queer-- - Whenever one wants to be hidden - Some blockhead is sure to appear! - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - One day in the country [Sheridan Knowles] said to - Abbot, with whom he had been acting there, - "My dear fellow, I'm off to-morrow. Can I - take any letters for you?" "You're very kind," answered - Abbot; "but where are you going to?" "_I haven't - made up my mind._" - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - _BLUE STOCKINGS._ - - The newspapers lately have taught us to know - How some strong-minded hens are beginning to crow. - But, dear ladies, beware: take the word of a friend, - That when rivalry comes, all affection must end. - With the brightest of _spoons_ would be war to the _knife_ - In political contests 'twixt husband and wife; - And the sentence of doom might be sudden and brief - If a feminine subaltern jilted her chief. - We men take a pride in concealing our chains, - And would like to be thought to monopolize brains; - So I'll give you this maxim, my counsels to crown-- - _If the stockings are blue, keep the petticoats down._ - - _Once a Week._ - - - Talking of Kean, I mentioned his having told - me that he had eked out his means of living, - before he emerged from obscurity, by teaching - dancing, fencing, elocution, and boxing. "Elocution - and boxing!" (repeated Bobus Smith)--"a word and a - blow." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - _MILITARY._ - - Smart soldiers like to be well tightened in: - Loose habits would destroy all discipline. - - H. J. BYRON, in _English Epigrams_. - - - Fontaine, the architect, who built the triumphal - arch in the Carrousel, placed upon it an empty - car, drawn by the famous bronze Venetian - horses. Talleyrand asked him, "_Qui avez vous l'intention - de mettre dans le char?_" The answer was, "_L'Empereur - Napoléon, comme de raison_." Upon which Talleyrand - said, "_Le char l'attend_." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - 'Tis doubtless well to be sometimes awake-- - Awake to duty, and awake to truth,-- - But when, alas! a nice review we take - Of our best deeds and days, we find, in sooth, - The hours that leave the slightest cause to weep - Are those we passed in childhood or asleep! - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. - - - _Sir Toby._ "Does not our life consist of the four - elements?" - _Sir Andrew._ "Faith, so they say; but I think - it rather consists of eating and drinking." - - _Twelfth Night_, Act II., Scene 3. - - - She thought "Wives and Daughters" "_so_ jolly;" - "Had I read it?" She knew that I had: - Like the rest, I should dote upon "Molly;" - And "poor Mrs. Gaskell--how sad!" - "Like Browning?" "But so-so." His proof lay - Too deep for her frivolous mood, - That preferred your mere metrical _soufflé_ - To the stronger poetical food; - Yet at times he was good--"as a tonic:" - Was Tennyson writing just now? - And was this new poet Byronic, - And clever, and naughty, or how? - - AUSTIN DOBSON, _Vignettes in Rhyme_. - - - Old friends are best. King James used to call for - his old shoes; they were easiest for his feet. - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - Let a coach be called, - And let the man who called it be the caller; - And in his calling let him nothing call, - But coach, coach, coach! Oh for a coach, ye gods! - - CAREY, _Chrononhotonthologos_. - - - If you could make a pudding wi' thinking o' the - batter, it 'ud be easy getting dinner. - - _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - There's somewhat on my breast, father, - There's somewhat on my breast; - The livelong day I sigh, father, - And at night I cannot rest. - 'Tis not the lack of gold, father, - Nor want of worldly gear; - My lands are broad, and fair to see, - My friends are kind and dear. - - 'Tis not that Janet's false, father, - 'Tis not that she's unkind; - Though busy flatterers swarm around, - I know her constant mind. - 'Tis not her coldness, father, - That chills my labouring breast: - It's that confounded cucumber - I've eat and can't digest. - - R. H. BARHAM, _Ingoldsby Lyrics_. - - - Insolence is a charming quality, when, like - mercy, it is not strained. - - _Once a Week._ - - - Ancient Phillis has young graces, - 'Tis a strange thing, but a true one! - Shall I tell you how? - She, herself, makes her own faces, - And each morning wears a new one; - Where's the wonder now? - - _Lord Froth_, in CONGREVE's _Double Dealer_. - - - Célébrité--l'avantage d'être connu de ceux que - vous ne connaissez pas. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - 'Tis past all bearing, when a husband slights his bride, - Who last Christmas still was blushing at her elder sister's side; - Still on some minute allowance finding collars, boots, and gloves, - Still to cousinly flirtations limiting her list of loves, - Still by stern domestic edict charged on no account to read - Any of Miss Brontë's novels, or to finish _Adam Bede_. - - _First Lady_, in TREVELYAN's _Ladies in Parliament_. - - - I differ from all the ordinary biographers of - that independent gentleman Don't Care. I - believe Don't Care came to a good end. At any - rate he came to some end. Whereas numbers of people - never have beginning, or ending, of their own. - - _Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_. - - - _DISTICH._ - - Wisely a woman prefers to a lover a man who neglects her. - This one may love her some day; some day the lover will not. - - JOHN HAY, _Poems_. - - - One morning [Jerrold and Compton] proceeded - together to view the pictures in the Gallery of - Illustration. On entering the ante-room, they - found themselves opposite to a number of very long - looking-glasses. Pausing before one of these, [Compton] - remarked to Jerrold, "You've come here to admire - works of art! Very well, first feast your eyes on that - work of nature!"--pointing to his own figure reflected - in the glass; "look at it, there's a picture for you!" - "Yes," said Jerrold, regarding it intently, "very fine, - very fine indeed!" Then, turning to his friend: "Wants - hanging, though!" - - _Memoir of Henry Compton._ - - - Sing for the garish eye, - When moonless brandlings cling! - Let the froddering crooner cry, - And the braddled sapster sing. - For never, and never again, - Will the tottering beechlings play, - For bratticed wrackers are singing aloud, - And the throngers croon in May! - - W. S. GILBERT. - - - Sydney Smith said of a certain quarrelsome - person that his very face was a breach of the - peace. - - J. T. FIELDS, _Yesterdays with Authors_. - - - Kerchief in hand I saw them stand; - In every kerchief lurked a lunch; - When they unfurl'd them it was grand - To watch bronzed men and maidens crunch - The sounding celery-stick, or ram - The knife into the blushing ham. - - Dash'd the bold fork through pies of pork; - O'er hard-boil'd eggs the saltspoon shook; - Leapt from its lair the playful cork: - Yet some there were, to whom the brook - Seemed sweetest beverage, and for meat - They chose the red root of the beet. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - Of all virtues, magnanimity is the rarest. There - are a hundred persons of merit for one who - willingly acknowledges it in another. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - Bisness first, pleasure artervards, as King Richard - the Third said ven he stabbed the tother king in - the Tower, afore he murdered the babbies. - - CHARLES DICKENS, _apud_ J. T. FIELDS. - - - We are all of us liable to this error of imagining - that we are grieved at a fault, when we are only - grieved at having done something to lower ourselves - in our own estimation. - - E. M. SEWELL, _Margaret Percival_. - - - I trembled once beneath her spell - Whose spelling was extremely so-so. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - It's easy finding reasons why other folks should be - patient. - - _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - _OUR TRAVELLER._ - - If thou wouldst stand on Etna's burning brow, - With smoke above, and roaring flames below; - And gaze adown that molten gulf reveal'd - Till thy soul shudder'd, and thy senses reel'd;-- - If thou wouldst beard Niagara in his pride, - Or stem the billows of Propontic tide; - Scale all alone some dizzy Alpine _haut_, - And shriek "Excelsior!" amidst the snow;-- - Wouldst tempt all deaths, all dangers that may be, - Perils by land, and perils on the sea,-- - This vast round world, I say, if thou wouldst view it, - Then why the dickens don't you go and do it? - - H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Puck on Pegasus_. - - - I am saddest when I sing; so are those who hear - me. They are sadder even than I am. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - An ape with a pliable thumb and big brain, - When the gift of the gab he had managed to gain, - As a lord of creation established his reign, - Which nobody can deny. - - But I'm sadly afraid, if we do not take care, - A relapse to low life may our prospects impair, - So of beastly propensities let us beware, - Which nobody can deny. - - Their lofty position our children may lose, - And, reduced to all-fours, must then narrow their views, - Which would shortly unfit them for wearing our shoes, - Which nobody can deny. - - Their vertebræ next might be taken away, - When they'd sink to an oyster, or insect, some day, - Or the pitiful part of a polypus play, - Which nobody can deny. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - It's dreadful to think on, people playing with their - own insides in that way! And it's flying i' the - face o' Providence; for what are the doctors for, - if we aren't to call 'em in? - - _Mrs. Pullet_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Mill on the Floss_. - - - Brief, in two rules he summed the ends of man-- - Keep all you have, and try for all you can! - - LORD LYTTON, _King Arthur_. - - - _LOVE SONG._ - - What mistress half so dear as mine, - Half so well dressed, so pungent, fragrant, - Who can such attributes combine, - To charm the constant, fix the vagrant? - Who can display such varied arts, - To suit the taste of saint and sinner, - Who go so near to touch their hearts, - As thou, my darling dainty dinner? - - Still my breast holds a rival queen, - A bright-eyed nymph of sloping shoulders, - Whose ruddy cheeks and graceful mien - Entrance the sense of all beholders. - Oh! when thy lips to mine are pressed, - What transports titillate my throttle! - My love can find new life and zest, - In thee, and thee alone, my bottle! - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - Fashion with us is like the man in one of Le - Sage's novels, who was constantly changing his - servants, and yet had but one suit of livery, - which every newcomer, whether he was tall or short, fat - or thin, was obliged to wear. - - _Wormwood_, in LORD LYTTON's _Pelham_. - - - Unmarketable maidens of the mart, - Who, plumpness gone, fine delicacy feint, - And hide your sins in piety and paint. - - ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. - - - Seeing O. Smith, the popular melodramatic actor, - on the opposite side of the Strand, Knowles - rushed across the road, seized him by the hand, - and inquired eagerly after his health. Smith, who only - knew him by sight, said, "I think, Mr. Knowles, you - are mistaken; I am O. Smith." "My dear fellow," cried - Knowles, "I beg you ten thousand pardons: I took - you for your _namesake_, T. P. Cooke!" - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - _A PRACTICAL ANSWER._ - - _Says Hyam to Moses, - "Let's cut off our noses," - Says Moses to Hyam, - "Ma tear, who would buy 'em?"_ - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - Turnips should never be pulled: it injures them. - It is much better to send a boy up and let him - shake the tree. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - He lived in a cave by the seas, - He lived upon oysters and foes, - But his list of forbidden degrees - An extensive morality shows; - Geological evidence goes - To prove he had never a pan, - But he shaved with a shell when he chose,-- - 'Twas the manner of Primitive Man. - - He worshipped the rain and the breeze, - He worshipped the river that flows, - And the dawn, and the moon, and the trees, - And bogies, and serpents, and crows; - He buried his dead with their toes - Tucked-up, an original plan, - Till their knees came right under their nose,-- - 'Twas the manner of Primitive Man. - - ANDREW LANG, _Ballades in Blue China_. - - - On ne loue d'ordinaire que pour être loué. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - Would you adopt a strong logical attitude, - Bear this in mind, and, whatever you do, - Always allow your opponent full latitude, - Whether or not his assumption be true. - Then, when he manifests feelings of gratitude - Merely because you've not shut him up flat, - Turn his pet paradox into a platitude - With the remark, "Oh, of _course_, we know that!" - - GODFREY TURNER. - - - The gentle reader, who may wax unkind, - And, caring little for the author's ease, - Insist on knowing what he means--a hard - And hapless situation for a bard. - - LORD BYRON, _Beppo_. - - - My dear, when you have a clergyman in your - family you must accommodate your tastes: I - did that very early. When I married Humphrey, - I made up my mind to like sermons, and I set out by - liking the end very much. That soon spread to the - middle and the beginning, because I couldn't have the - end without them. - - _Mrs. Cadwallader_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Middlemarch_. - - - Great theologians, talk not of Trinity: - Heretics, plague us no more with your fibs; - One question only, Which is the Divinity,-- - Willcox or Gibbs? - - MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_. - - - "Is that the contents you are looking at?" inquired - an anxious author, who saw Rogers's eye - fixed on a table or list at the commencement - of a presentation copy of a new work. "No," said - Rogers, pointing to the list of subscribers, "the _dis_-contents." - - A. HAYWARD, _Essays_. - - - The river's like glass-- - As slowly I pass, - This sweet little lass - Raises two - Forget-me-not eyes - In laughing surprise-- - From canoe. - And as I float by, - Said I, "Miss, O why? - O why may not I - Drift with you?" - Said she, with a start, - "I've no room in my heart-- - Or canoe!" - - J. ASHBY STERRY, _Boudoir Ballads_. - - - Kenny one day mentioned Charles Lamb's being - once bored by a lady praising to him "such a - charming man!" etc., etc.; ending with, "I know - him, bless him!" On which Lamb said, "Well, I don't, - but d---- him at a hazard." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - They sought it with thimbles, they sought it with care; - They pursued it with forks and hope; - They threatened its life with a railway share; - They charmed it with smiles and soap. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Hunting of the Snark_. - - - I remember being present at a dinner in - London, when a very severe and saturnine - Scotch Presbyterian was abusing Sunday newspapers, - and concluded a violent tirade by saying, "I - am determined to set my face against them." "So am I," - said Theodore Hook, "every Sunday morning." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - _ON A RADICAL REFORMER._ - - Tomkins will clear the land, they say, - From every foul abuse; - So chimneys in the olden time - Were cleansèd by a goose. - - JAMES HANNAY, _Sketches and Characters_. - - - I was mentioning that some one had said of - Sharpe's very dark complexion that he looked - as if the dye of his old trade (hat making) had - got engrained into his face. "Yes," said Luttrell, "darkness - that may be _felt_!" - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - It seems that poor Bruin has never had peace - 'Twixt bald men in Bethel, and wise men in grease. - - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - The term _sound divine_ being used, I said, "I do - not know what is a sound divine," quoting Pope-- - "'Dulness is sacred in a sound divine.'" - "But I do," said Donaldson. "It is a divine who is - _vox et præterea nihil_." - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - Plain food is quite enough for me; - Three courses are as good as ten; - If Nature can subsist on three, - Thank heaven for three--Amen! - I always thought cold victual nice-- - My _choice_ should be vanilla-ice. - - I care not much for gold or land; - Give me a mortgage here or there; - Some good bank-stock, some note of hand, - Or trifling railroad share:-- - I only ask that fortune send - A _little_ more than I shall spend. - - OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. - - - Some one saying to Sir F. Gould, "I am told you - eat three eggs _every day at breakfast_,"--"No," - answered Gould, "on the contrary." Some of - those present asked, "What was the contrary of eating - three eggs?" "Laying three eggs, I suppose," said - Luttrell. - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - Blossom of hawthorn whitens in May: - Never an end to true love's sway! - Blossom of hawthorn fades in June: - I shall be tired of my true love soon! - Blossom of hawthorn's gone in July: - Darling, I must be off,--good-bye! - - ANON. - - - The late Mr. Nightingale was telling Horace Smith - of his having given a late royal duke an account - of an accident he had met with when he had been - run away with, and of the duke's exclaiming aloud to himself, - when he heard he had jumped out of the carriage, - "Fool! fool!" "Now," said the narrator to his auditor, - "it's all very well for him to call me a fool, but I can't - conceive why he should. Can you?" "No," replied - the wag, as if reflecting, "because he could not suppose - you ignorant of the fact." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - Such are the sylvan scenes that thrill - This heart! The lawns, the happy shade - Where matrons, whom the sunbeams grill, - Stir with slow spoon their lemonade; - And maidens flirt (no extra charge) - In comfort at the fountain's marge! - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - The crow!--the crow!--the great black crow! - He loves the fat meadow--his taste is low; - He loves the fat worms, and he dines in a row - With fifty fine cousins all black as a sloe. - Sloe--sloe! you great black crow! - But it is jolly to fare like a great black crow! - - P. J. BAILEY, _Festus_. - - - If a man's got a bit of property, a stake in the - country, he'll want to keep things square. - Where Jack isn't safe, Tom's in danger. - - _Mr. Wace_, in GEORGE ELIOT'S _Felix Holt_. - - - Turn not from poor pussy in disdain, - Whose pride of ancestry may equal thine; - For is she not a blood descendant of - The ancient Catty line? - - R. H. NEWELL, _Orpheus C. Kerr Papers_. - - - I heard the other day of Jekyll making the - following pun. He said, "Erskine used to - hesitate very much, and could not speak very - well after dinner. I dined with him once at the Fishmongers' - Company. He made such a sad work of - speechifying that I asked him whether it was in honour - of the Company that he _floundered_ so?" - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - Who knows if what Adam might speak - Was mono- or poly-syllabic; - Was Gothic, or Gaelic, or Greek, - Tartàric, Chinese, or Aràbic? - It may have been Sanskrit or Zend-- - It must have been something or other; - But thus far I'll stoutly contend,-- - It wasn't the tongue of his mother. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - Men's natures are neither black nor white, but - _brown_. - - CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. - - - Oh, Love's but a dance, - Where Time plays the fiddle! - See the couples advance,-- - Oh, Love's but a dance! - A whisper, a glance,-- - "Shall we twirl down the middle?" - Oh, Love's but a dance, - Where Time plays the fiddle! - - AUSTIN DOBSON, _Proverbs in Porcelain_. - - - I met a man in Oregon who hadn't any teeth--not - a tooth in his head--yet that man could play on - the bass drum better than any man I ever met. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - The Duke of Rutland, at one of his levées, - being at a loss for something to say to every - person he was bound in etiquette to notice, - remarked to Sir John Hamilton that there was a prospect - of an excellent crop. "The timely rain," observed - the duke, "will bring everything above ground." "God - forbid, your excellency!" exclaimed the courtier. His - excellency stared, whilst Sir John continued, sighing - heavily as he spoke, "Yes, God forbid! for I have - _three wives_ under it!" - - SIR JONAH BARRINGTON, _Memoirs_. - - - "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak - For anything tougher than suet; - Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak,-- - Pray, how did you manage to do it?" - - "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, - And argued each case with my wife; - And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw - Has lasted the rest of my life." - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - Le monde récompense plus souvent les apparances - du mérite que le mérite même. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - Curran told an anecdote of an Irish parliament - man, who was boasting in the House of Commons - of his attachment to trial by jury. "Mr. - Speaker, by the trial by jury I have lived, and by the - blessing of God, with the trial by jury I will die!" - Curran sat near him, and whispered audibly, "What, - Jack! do you mean to be hanged?" - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - They roused him with muffins--they roused him with ice-- - They roused him with mustard and cress-- - They roused him with jam and judicious advice-- - They set him conundrums to guess. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Hunting of the Snark_. - - - My old friend Maltby, the brother of the bishop, was - a very absent man. One day at Paris, in the - Louvre, we were looking at the pictures, when a - lady entered who spoke to me, and kept me some minutes - in conversation. On rejoining Maltby, I said, "That - was Mrs. ----. We have not met so long, she had - almost forgotten me, and asked me if my name was - Rogers." Maltby, still looking at the pictures, "And - was it?" - - ROGERS, _apud_ J. R. PLANCHÉ. - - - No one likes to be disturbed at meals - Or love. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - What is man's end? To know and to be free. - Think you to compass it by tracts and tea? - - ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. - - - To preach long, loud, and damnation, is the way to - be cried up. We love a man that damns us, and - we run after him again to save us. - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - It's such a very serious thing - To be a funny man! - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. - - - A bore cannot be a good man: for the better he - is, the greater bore he will be, and the more - hateful he will make goodness. - - LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. - - - Parson Wilbur sez he never heerd in his life - Thet th' Apostles rigged out in their swaller-tail coats, - An' marched round in front of a drum and a fife, - To get some on 'em office, an' some on 'em votes; - But John P. - Robinson he - Sez they didn't know everythin' down in Judee. - - J. R. LOWELL, _Biglow Papers_. - - - I could resign that eye of blue, - Howe'er its splendour used to thrill me; - And e'en that cheek of roseate hue-- - To lose it, Chloe, would not kill me. - - That sunny neck I ne'er should miss, - However much I raved about it; - And sweetly as that lip can kiss, - I think I could exist without it. - - In short, so well I've learned to fast, - That, sooth, my love, I know not whether - I might not bring myself at last - To do without you altogether. - - THOMAS MOORE. - - - L'art de plaire est l'art de tromper. - - VAUVENARGUES, _Réflexions_. - - - We don't marry beggars, said she: why, no: - It seems that to make 'em is what you do; - And as I can cook, and scour, and sew, - I needn't pay half my victuals for you. - A man for himself should be able to scratch, - But tickling's a luxury:--love, indeed! - Love burns as long as a lucifer-match, - Wedlock's the candle! Now that's my creed. - - GEORGE MEREDITH, _Modern Love_. - - - And while my schoolmates studied less, - I resolutely studied _Moore_. - - _Songs of Singularity._ - - - "One of my aides-de-camp," said Lord Wellesley - to Plunket on one occasion, "has written a - personal narrative of his travels,--pray, Chief - Justice, what is your definition of 'personal'?" "My - lord," replied Plunket, "we lawyers always consider - _personal_ as opposed to _real_." - - LORD ALBEMARLE, _Fifty Years of my Life_. - - - I make the butter fly, all in an hour: - I put aside the preserves and cold meats, - Telling my master his cream has turned sour, - Hiding his pickles, purloining his sweets. - I never languish for husband or dower, - I never sigh to see gyps at my feet: - I make the butter fly, all in an hour, - Taking it home for my Saturday treat. - - _Lydia_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Horace at Athens_. - - - English is an expressive language, but not - difficult to master. Its range is limited. It - consists, so far as I can observe, of four words: - "nice," "jolly," "charming," and "bore;" and some - grammarians add "fond." - - _Pinto_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Lothair_. - - - When Sir George Rose was appointed one of the - four judges of the now extinct Court of Review, - he came to Lincoln's Inn with his colleagues to - be sworn in. Some friend congratulating him on his - access of dignity, he observed, "Yes! here we are, you - see--_four by honours_!" - - _Macmillan's Magazine._ - - - Ah! who has seen the mailèd lobster rise, - Clap her broad wings, and, soaring, claim the skies? - When did the owl, descending from her bower, - Crop, 'midst the fleecy flocks, the tender flower; - Or the young heifer plunge, with pliant limb, - In the salt wave, and fish-like strive to swim? - The same with plants--potatoes 'tatoes breed, - The costly cabbage springs from cabbage-seed; - Lettuce to lettuce, leeks to leeks, succeed; - Nor e'er did cooling cucumbers presume - To flower like myrtle, or like violets bloom. - - _The Anti-Jacobin._ - - - Une femme d'esprit m'a dit un jour un mot qui - pourrait bien être le secret de son sexe; c'est - que toute femme, en prenant un amant, tient - plus de compte de la manière dont les autres femmes - voient cet homme que de la manière dont elle le voit - elle-même. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - Here, waiter, I'll dine in this box; - I've looked at your long bill of fare: - A Pythagorean it shocks - To view all the rarities there. - - I'm not o'erburdened with cash, - Roast beef is the dinner for me; - Then why should I eat _calipash_, - Or why should I eat _calipee_? - - Your trifle's no trifle, I ween, - To customers prudent as I am; - Your peas in December are green, - But I'm not so green as to buy 'em. - - With ven'son I seldom am fed-- - Go, bring me a sirloin, you ninny; - Who dines at a guinea a head - Will ne'er by his head get a guinea. - - JAMES SMITH, _Horace in London_. - - - One of Lord Dudley's eccentric habits was that of - speaking to himself or thinking aloud. Soon - after he succeeded to the title of Dudley and - Ward, a lady asked Lord Castlereagh how he accounted - for the custom. "It is only Dudley speaking to Ward," - was the ready answer to her inquiry. - - SINCLAIR, _Old Times and Distant Places_. - - - Le secret d'ennuyer est celui de tout dire. - - VOLTAIRE, _Discours_, vi. - - - I never heard Rogers volunteer an opinion upon - Campbell, except after his death, when he had - been to see the poet's statue. "It is the first - time," said he, "that I have seen him stand straight for - many years." - - BRYAN WALLER PROCTER. - - - "Vexation of spirit"--that is the part that - belongs to us; we leave the "vanity" to the - women. - - _Vanecourt_, in L. OLIPHANT's _Piccadilly_. - - - I watched her as she stoop'd to pluck - A wild flower in her hair to twine; - And wish'd that it had been my luck - To call her mine. - - Anon I heard her rate, with mad - Mad words, her babe within its cot; - And felt particularly glad - That it had not. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - Practice does not always make perfect. Curran, - when told by his physician that he seemed - to cough with more difficulty, replied, "That - is odd enough, for I have been practising all night." - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - We talk little if we do not talk about ourselves. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - And how was the Devil drest? - O, he was in his Sunday's best; - His jacket was red and his breeches were blue, - And there was a hole where the tail came through. - - _The Devil's Walk._ - - - A closed glass bookcase provoked from Dr. Drake - the remark that he never could stand "Locke - on the Human Understanding." - - LORD TEIGNMOUTH, _Reminiscences_. - - - There was a time, ere Trollope learned to spell, - When S. G. O. wrote seldom or wrote well; - When Swinburne only lusted after tarts, - When Beales was yet a Bachelor of Arts; - Ere Broad Church rose to make logicians stare, - That medley of St. Paul and St. Voltaire. - - RICHARD CRAWLEY, _Horse and Foot_. - - - [Redmond Barry] said once to Corry, who - was praising Crompton's performance of some - particular character a night or two before, - "Yes, he played the part pretty well; he hadn't time to - study it!" - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - If a daughter you have, she's the plague of your life, - No peace shall you know, though you've buried your wife! - At twenty she mocks at the duty you've taught her-- - O, what a plague is an obstinate daughter! - Sighing and whining, - Dying and pining, - O, what a plague is an obstinate daughter! - - When scarce in their teens, they have wit to perplex us, - With letters and lovers for ever they vex us; - While each still rejects the fair suitor you've brought her; - O, what a plague is an obstinate daughter! - Wrangling and jangling, - Flouting and pouting, - O, what a plague is an obstinate daughter! - - R. B. SHERIDAN, _The Duenna_. - - - _Kitty_: What is your ladyship so fond of? - _Lady Bab's Servant_: Shickspur. Did you - never read Shickspur? - _Kitty_: Shickspur! Shickspur! Who wrote it? No, - I never read Shickspur. - - _High Life Below Stairs_, Act II. Scene 1. - - - Nul n'est content de sa fortune - Ni mécontent de son esprit. - - MADAME DESHOULIÈRES, _Réflexions_. - - - In courtship suppose you can't sing - Your Cara, your Liebe, your Zoë, - A kiss and a sight of the ring - Will more quickly prevail with your Chloe. - - Or if you in twenty strange tongues - Could call for a beef-steak and bottle, - A purse with less learning and lungs - Would bring them much nearer your throttle. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - The father of C----, a distinguished artist, was - complimented by a friend on the talents and - reputation of his son, and on the comfort he - must be to his father. "Yes," was the reply, "he is a - very good son--a very good son, if he did not swear at - his mother so." - - W. H. HARRISON, _University Magazine_. - - - The old, old tale! ay, there's the smart; - Her heart, or what she call'd her heart, - Was hard as granite: - Who breaks a heart, and then omits - To gather up the broken bits - Is heartless, Janet. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - The French don't know what they want, and will - never be satisfied till they get it. - - WILLIAM HARNESS, _Life_. - - - She played the accordion divinely--accordionly I - praised her. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - Should yours (kind heaven, avert the omen!) - Like the cravats of vulgar, low men, - Asunder start--and, yawning wide, - Disclose a chasm on either side; - Or should it stubbornly persist - To take some awkward tasteless twist, - Some crease, indelible, and look - Just like a dunce's dog-eared book, - How would you parry the disgrace? - In what assembly show your face? - How brook your rival's scornful glance, - Or partners' titter in the dance? - How in the morning dare to meet - The quizzers of the park and street? - Your occupation's gone; in vain - Hope to dine out, or flirt again. - The ladies from their lists would put you, - And even _I_, my friend, must cut you! - - H. LUTTRELL, _Letters to Julia_. - - - A man can never manage a woman. Till a woman - marries, a prudent man leaves her to women; - when she does marry, she manages her husband, - and there's an end of it. - - _Kenelm Chillingly_, in LORD LYTTON's novel. - - - _HOMAGE TO THE SCOTCH RIFLES, BY A SPITEFUL - COMPETITOR._ - - It seems that the Scots - Turn out much better shots - At long distance, than most of the Englishmen are: - But this we all knew - That a Scotchman could do-- - Make a small piece of metal go awfully far. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - Some one peevishly complaining, "You take the - words out of my mouth," Donaldson replied, - "You are very hard to please; would you have - liked it better if I had made you swallow them?" - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - I am lying, we'll say, in the nook I love, - Screened from the sunlight's scorching glow, - Watching the big clouds up above, - And blowing a lazy cloud below; - - Blowing a cloud from my meerschaum black, - And thinking or not as I feel inclined, - With a light alpaca coat on my back, - And nothing particular on my mind. - - _Once a Week._ - - - There was a Presbyterian minister who married a - couple of his rustic parishioners, and had felt - exceedingly disconcerted, on his asking the - bridegroom if he were willing to take the woman for his - wedded wife, by his scratching his head and saying, - "Ay, I'm wullin'; but I'd rather hae her sister." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - The prospect's always fine in the Prospectus! - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. - - - Animals are such agreeable friends--they ask no - questions, they pass no criticisms. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Mr. Gilfil's Love Story_. - - - There is a _tact_, - Which keeps, when pushed by questions rather rough, - A lady always distant from the fact: - The charming creatures lie with such a grace, - There's nothing so becoming to the face. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - Walked Corry over to Bowood. In looking at - the cascade, he mentioned what Plunket said, - when some one, praising his waterfall, exclaimed, - "Why, it's quite a cataract." "Oh, that's all - my eye," said Plunket. - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - These panting damsels, dancing for their lives, - Are only maidens waltzing into wives. - - - ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. - - - Another friend assured me it was policy to - "feed a cold and starve a fever." I had both. - So I thought it best to feed myself up for the - cold, and then keep dark and let the fever starve awhile. - In a case of this kind, I seldom do things by halves. - I ate pretty heartily. I conferred my custom upon a - stranger who had just opened his restaurant that morning. - He waited near me in respectful silence, until I had - finished feeding my cold, when he inquired if the people - about Virginia were much afflicted with colds? I told - him I thought they were. He then went out and took in - his sign. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - A fine lady is like a cat; when young, the most - gamesome and lively of all creatures--when old, - the most melancholy. - - ALEXANDER POPE, in LOCKER's _Patchwork_. - - - 'Tis the voice of the lobster; I heard him declare - "You have baked me quite brown, I must sugar my hair." - As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his nose - Trims his belt and his buttons, and turns out his toes. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - Poor relations are undeniably irritating--their - existence is so entirely uncalled for on our part, - and they are almost always very faulty people. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Mill on the Floss_. - - - There was an APE in the days that were earlier; - Centuries passed, and his hair became curlier: - Centuries more gave a thumb to his wrist-- - Then he was MAN, and a Positivist. - - - MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_. - - - It was observed he never gave an opinion on any - subject, and never told an anecdote. Indeed, - he would sometimes remark, when a man fell - into his anecdotage it was a sign for him to retire from - the world. - - LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Lothair_. - - - You cannot eat breakfast all day, - Nor is it the act of a sinner, - When breakfast is taken away, - To turn your attention to dinner; - And it's not in the range of belief, - That you could hold him as a glutton, - Who, when he is tired of beef, - Determines to tackle the mutton. - - _Defendant_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Trial by Jury_. - - - Had the Romans public dinners? Answer me - that. Imagine a Roman--whose theory at least - of a dinner was that it was a thing for enjoyment, - whereas we often look on it as a continuation of the - business of the day,--I say, imagine a Roman girding - himself up, literally girding himself up, to make an after - dinner speech. - - _Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_. - - - Folks will teach you when at school-- - "Never tell a lie!" - Nonsense: if you're not a fool - You may always break the rule, - But you must be sly; - For they'll whip you, past a doubt, - If they ever find you out. - - Folks say, "Children should not let - Angry passions rise." - Humbug! When you're in a pet - Why on earth should you regret - Blacking some one's eyes? - Children's eyes are made, in fact, - Just on purpose to be black'd. - - H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_. - - - It is not now "We have seen his star in the East," - but "We have seen the star on his breast, and - are come to worship him." - - SHENSTONE, _Essays_. - - - _A FAITHFUL PAGE._ - - Nearly one hundred years ago, my grandfather, - Captain William Locker, was at dinner, and a - servant-boy, lately engaged, was handing him a - tray of liqueurs, in different-sized glasses. Being in the - middle of an anecdote to his neighbour, he mechanically - held out his hand towards the tray, but, as people often - do when they are thinking of something else, he did not - take a glass. The boy thought he was hesitating which - liqueur he would have, and, like a good fellow, wishing - to help his master, he pointed to one particular glass, - and whispered, "That's the biggest, sir." - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. - - - All men are equal, the Frenchman says; - Most men will gladly receive - What a fervid fool, with a flattering phrase, - Tricks out for fools to believe; - But these men have less brains than a wren! - When a larch is a lily, - And Bessy like Billy - A beard shall achieve, - Then I will believe - That equality reigns among men! - - J. S. BLACKIE, _Musa Burschicosa_. - - - I'm not one o' those who can see the cat i' the - dairy, an' wonder what she's come after. - - _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - I called him Selim, to express - The marked s(e)limness of his form. - - _Songs of Singularity._ - - - "Yes," he exclaimed, "as the sublime Tyndall tells - us, let us struggle to attain to a deeper knowledge - of matter, and a more faithful conformity - to its laws!" - - The professor would have proceeded, but the weather - had been rapidly growing rough, and he here became - violently sea-sick. - - "Let us," he exclaimed hurriedly, "conform to the - laws of matter and go below." - - W. H. MALLOCK, _The New Paul and Virginia_. - - - What can Tommy Onslow do? - He can drive a curricle and two. - Can Tommy Onslow do no more? - Yes, he can drive a phaeton and four. - - ANON., in GRONOW's _Recollections_. - - - Hicks and Thackeray, walking together, stopped - opposite a doorway, over which was inscribed in - gold letters these words: "Mutual Loan Office." - They both seemed equally puzzled. "What on earth can - that mean?" asked Hicks. "I don't know," answered - Thackeray, "unless it means, that two men, who have - nothing, agree to lend it to one another." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - A clod--a piece of orange-peel-- - An end of a cigar,-- - Once trod on by a princely heel, - How beautiful they are! - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - In the onion is the hope of universal brotherhood. - Look at Italy. In the churches all are alike; - there is one faith, one smell. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - He was "free to confess" (whence comes this phrase? - Is't English? No--'tis only parliamentary). - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - "Ah!" says my languid Oxford gentleman, "nothing - new, and nothing true, and no matter." - - R. W. EMERSON. - - - He dropt a tear on Susan's bier, - He seem'd a most despairing swain; - Yet bluer sky brought newer tie, - And would he wish her back again? - The moments fly, and when we die - Will Philly Thistletop complain? - She'll cry and sigh, and--dry her eye, - And let herself be woo'd again. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - One 'ud think, an hear some folks talk, as the - men war 'cute enough to count the corns in a - bag o' wheat wi' only smelling at it. They can - see through a barn door, they can. Perhaps that's the - reason they see so little o' this side on't. - - _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - Thy flattering picture, Phryne, 's like to thee - Only in this--that you both painted be. - - JOHN DONNE. - - - Without black velvet breeches, what is man? - - JOHN BRAMSTON, _Man of Taste_. - - - _A KISS._ - - Rose kissed me to-day,-- - Will she kiss me to-morrow? - Let it be as it may, - Rose kissed me to-day. - But the pleasure gives way - To a savour of sorrow;-- - Rose kissed me to-day,-- - _Will_ she kiss me to-morrow? - - AUSTIN DOBSON, _Proverbs in Porcelain_. - - - Humility is a virtue all preach, none practise, - and yet everybody is content to hear. - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - Some say that the primitive tongue - Expressed but the simplest affections; - And swear that the words said or sung - Were nothing but mere interjections. - _Oh! Oh!_ was the signal of pain; - _Ha! Ha!_ was the symptom of laughter; - _Pooh! Pooh!_ was the sign of disdain, - And _Hillo!_ came following after. - - Some, taking a different view, - Maintain the old language was fitted - To mark out the objects we knew, - By mimicking sounds they emitted. - _Bow, wow_, was the name of a dog, - _Quack, quack_, was the word for a duckling, - _Hunc, hunc_, would designate a hog, - And _wee, wee_, a pig and a suckling. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - _A PRACTICAL MAN._--One whose judgment is - not distracted by the power of seeing far before - him. - - ANNE EVANS, _Poems and Music_. - - - For conversation well endued, - She thinks it witty to be rude, - And, placing raillery in railing, - Proclaims aloud your greatest failing. - - SWIFT, _A Woman's Mind_. - - - I have always been more or less mixed up with - Art. I have an uncle who takes photographs--and - I have a servant who takes anything he can - get his hands on. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - If a man who turnips cries - Cry not when his father dies, - 'Tis a proof that he would rather - Have a turnip than a father. - - DR. JOHNSON. - - - The greatest happiness of the greatest number is - best secured by a prudent consideration for - Number One. - - _Kenelm Chillingly_, in LORD LYTTON's novel. - - - "You are old, Father William," the young man said, - "And your hair has become very white; - And yet you incessantly stand on your head-- - Do you think, at your age, it is right?" - - "In my youth," Father William replied to his son, - "I feared it might injure my brain; - But now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, - Why, I do it again and again." - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - When the question arose how the title of Herold's - charming opera, "Le Pré aux Clercs," should be - rendered into English, [Beazley] quietly suggested - "Parson's Green." - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - When I left the man in gaiters, - He was grumbling, o'er his gin, - At the charges of the hostess - Of that famous Flemish inn; - And he looked a very Briton - (So, methinks, I see him still) - As he pocketed the candle - That was mentioned in the bill! - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. - - - Morality--keeping up appearances in this world, - or becoming suddenly devout when we imagine - that we may be shortly summoned to appear in - the next. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - _ON PATRONS' PROMISES._ - - A minister's answer is always so kind! - I starve, and he tells me he'll keep me in mind. - Half his promise, God knows, would my spirits restore-- - Let him keep me, and, faith, I will ask for no more. - - LORD HOLLAND, in MOORE's _Diary_. - - - I know there's a stage of speculation in which a - man may doubt whether a pickpocket is blameworthy--but - I'm not one of your subtle fellows - who keep looking at the world through their own legs. - - _Felix Holt_, in GEORGE ELIOT's novel. - - - "A knock-me-down sermon, and worthy of Birch," - Says I to my wife, as we toddle from church. - "Convincing, indeed!" is the lady's remark; - "How logical, too, on the size of the Ark!" - Then Blossom cut in, without begging our pardons, - "Pa, was it as big as the 'Logical Gardens?" - - "Miss Blossom," says I, to my dearest of dearies, - "Papa disapproves of nonsensical queries; - The Ark was an Ark, and had people to build it, - Enough we are told Noah built it and fill'd it: - Mamma does not ask how he caught his opossums." - --Said she, "That remark is as foolish as Blossom's!" - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Books are fatal: they are the curse of the human - race. Nine-tenths of existing books are nonsense, - and the clever books are the refutation of - that nonsense. The greatest misfortune that ever befell - man was the invention of printing. - - Phoebus, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Lothair_. - - - We can't assume, so Comte declares, a first or final cause, sir; - Phenomena are all we know, their order and their laws, sir; - While Hegel's modest formula, a single line to sum in, - Is "Nothing is, and nothing's not, but everything's becomin'." - - F. D., in _Pall Mall Gazette_. - - - If you wish particularly to gain the good graces and - affection of certain people, men or women, try - to discover their most striking merit, if they have - one, and their dominant weakness, for every one has his - own. Then do justice to the one, and a little more than - justice to the other. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - Tender ten may dote on toys, - While for twelve jam tarts have joys, - Feat fourteen's in love with boys-- - Not a few. - - J. ASHBY STERRY, _Boudoir Ballads_. - - - Juliet was a fool to kill herself. In three - months she'd have married again, and been glad - to be quit of Romeo. - - CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. - - - A cornet waltzes, but a colonel weds. - - ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. - - - In the days when Pam retained the wheel, - We knew the men with whom we had to deal; - Then sucking statesmen seldom failed in seeing - The final cause and import of their being. - They dressed; they drove a drag; nor sought to shirk - Their portion of the matrimonial work. - They flocked to rout and drum by tens and twelves; - Danced every dance, and left their cards themselves, - While some obliging senatorial fag - Slipped their petitions in the Speaker's bag. - - _Lady Matilda_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Ladies in Parliament_. - - - Monk Lewis was a great favourite at Oatlands. - One day after dinner, as the duchess was leaving - the room, she whispered something in Lewis's - ear. He was much affected, his eyes filling with tears. - We asked him what was the matter. "Oh," replied - Lewis, "the duchess spoke so _very_ kindly to me!" - "My dear fellow," said Colonel Armstrong, "pray don't - cry; I dare say she didn't mean it." - - ROGERS, _Table Talk_. - - - Sweet is revenge--especially to women. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - A plain leg of mutton, my Lucy, - I prithee get ready at three; - Have it smoking and tender and juicy, - And what better meat can there be? - - And when it has feasted the master, - 'Twill amply suffice for the maid; - Meanwhile, I will smoke my canaster, - And tipple my ale in the shade. - - W. M. THACKERAY. - - - L'amour est comme les maladies épidémiques; - plus on les craint, plus on y est exposé. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - _MARRY_ (_AND_ DON'T) _COME UP_. - - A fellow that's single, a fine fellow's he; - But a fellow that's married's a _felo de se_. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - A brother actor, who had not exactly "taken - the house by storm" at his first appearance in - London, very stupidly asked Compton: "Was - my acting good?" "Well," was the reply, delivered - in his inimitable style, "hum! ha! _Good_ is not the - word!" - - H. HOWE, in _Memoir of Henry Compton_. - - - So when two dogs are fighting in the streets, - When a third dog one of the two dogs meets, - With angry tooth he bites him to the bone, - And this dog smarts for what that dog has done. - - FIELDING, _Tom Thumb_. - - - I recollect a humorous M.P. pointing out to - me a retired West Indian judge not very remarkable - for sagacity on the bench. There was a - ball at Government House, and the judge began to criticise - the dancing of a witty member of the Indian bar. - "Ah, my friend, you are a bad waltzer!" "Ah, but you - are a bad judge." - - MARK BOYD, _Reminiscences_. - - - _Mrs. Cripps_: Things are seldom what they seem: - Skim milk masquerades as cream; - Highlows pass as patent leathers; - Jackdaws strut in peacocks' feathers. - - _Captain_: Very true, - So they do. - - _Mrs. Cripps_: Black sheep dwell in every fold; - All that glitters is not gold; - Storks turn out to be but logs; - Bulls are but inflated frogs. - - _Captain_: So they be, - Frequentlee. - - W. S. GILBERT, _H.M.S. Pinafore_. - - - A friend meeting Sir George Rose one day in - Lincoln's Inn Fields, with his left eye greatly - swollen and inflamed, remonstrated with him, - adding that he was surprised Lady Rose should have let - him go out of doors in such a condition. "Ah," replied - Sir George, "I am out _jure mariti_" (my right eye). - - _Macmillan's Magazine._ - - - It is no comfort to the _short_ - To know you cannot love _at all_! - - ROBERT REECE, in _Comic Poets_. - - - "Edwin and Morcar, the Earls of Mercia and - Northumbria, declared for him; and even - Stigand, the patriotic Archbishop of Canterbury, - found it advisable----" - "Found _what?_" said the Duck. - "Found _it_," the Mouse replied, rather crossly; "of - course you know what 'it' means." - "I know what 'it' means well enough, when _I_ find a - thing," said the Duck; "it's generally a frog or a worm. - The question is, what did the archbishop find?" - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - I've read in many a novel, that, unless they've - souls that grovel, - Folks _prefer_, in fact, a hovel - to your dreary marble halls. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - Marriage is a Bishop, choral service, Messrs. - Hancock, and Brussels lace. - - ANNA C. STEELE. - - - How beautifully blue the sky, - The glass is rising very high, - Continue fine I hope it may, - And yet it rained but yesterday; - To-morrow it may pour again - (I hear the country wants some rain); - Yet people say, I know not why, - That we shall have a warm July. - - W. S. GILBERT, _Pirates of Penzance_. - - - The Dowager-Duchess of Richmond went one Sunday - with her daughter to the Chapel Royal at - St. James's, but, being late, they could find no - places. After looking about some time, and seeing the - case was hopeless, she said to her daughter, "Come - away, Louisa; at any rate we have done the civil thing." - - R. R. HAYDON, _Diary_. - - - _ON NORTHERN LIGHTS._ - - To roar and bore of Northern wights - The tendency so frail is, - That men do call those Northern Lights - Au-ror-a Bor-ealis. - - JEKYLL, in MISS MITFORD's _Letters_. - - - I'm forced to wink a good deal, for fear of seeing - too much, for a neighbourly man must let himself - be cheated a little. - - _Parson Lingon_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Felix Holt_. - - - _Dulce_ it is, and _decorum_, no doubt, for the country to fall,--to - Offer one's blood an oblation to Freedom, and die for the Cause; yet - Still, individual culture is also something, and no man - Finds quite distinct the assurance that he of all others is called on, - Or would be justified even, in taking away from the world that - Precious creature himself. - - _Claude_, in CLOUGH's _Amours de Voyage_. - - - Notre repentir n'est pas tant un regret du mal - que nous avons fait, qu'une crainte de celui qui - nous en peut arriver. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - _ON AN INANIMATE ACTRESS._ - - Thou hast a score of parts not good, - But two divinely shown: - Thy Daphne a true piece of wood, - Thy Niobe a stone. - - PALLADAS, trans. by R. GARNETT. - - - We as often repent the good we have done as the - ill. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - The speech of Old England for me; - It serves us on every occasion; - Henceforth, like our soil, let it be - Exempted from foreign invasion. - It answers for friendship and love, - For all sorts of feeling and thinking, - And lastly, all doubt to remove-- - It answers for singing and drinking. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - A compliment is usually accompanied with a - bow, as if to beg pardon for paying it. - - _Guesses at Truth._ - - - _THE TRAVELLER AND THE GORILLA._ - - The gifts by Nature boon supplied - This pair unequally divide: - The traveller's tale is far from small, - The monkey has no tail at all. - - R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_. - - - The more a man's worth, the worthier man he - must be. - - _Dudley Smooth_, in LORD LYTTON's _Money_. - - - Now to the banquet we press, - Now for the eggs and the ham! - Now for the mustard and cress, - Now for the strawberry jam! - Now for the tea of our host, - Now for the rollicking bun, - Now for the muffin and toast, - And now for the gay Sally Lunn! - - W. S. GILBERT, _The Sorcerer_. - - - It was in my schoolboy days that I failed as an - actor. The play was the "Ruins of Pompeii." - I played the Ruins. It was not a very successful - performance, but it was better than the "Burning Mountains." - He was not good. He was a bad Vesuvius. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - He cannot be complete in aught - Who is not humorously prone,-- - A man without a merry thought - Can hardly have a funny bone. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - An actor named Priest was playing at one of the - principal theatres. Some one remarked at the - Garrick Club that there were a great many more - in the pit--"Probably clerks who have taken Priest's - orders." - - ABRAHAM HAYWARD, _Essays_. - - - And she? she marries money and a man. - - ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. - - - A lady of my acquaintance, a brunette, happened - to show her maid one of those little sticking-plaster - profiles which they used to call _silhouettes_. - It was the portrait of the lady's aunt, whom the girl had - never seen, and she said quite innocently, "La, ma'am, - I always thought as how you had some black relations, - you are so dark-like yourself, you know!" - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. - - - He pored upon the leaves, and on the flowers, - And heard a voice in all the winds; and then, - He thought of wood nymphs and immortal bowers, - And how the goddesses came down to men: - He miss'd the pathway, he forgot the hours, - And when he look'd upon his watch again, - He found how much old Time had been a winner-- - He also found that he had lost his dinner. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - Ward had been a Whig, and became ministerial. - "I wonder what could make me turn Whig - again," said Ward. "That I can tell you," said - [Lord] Byron. "They have only to _re-Ward_ you." - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - _DISTICH._ - - As the meek beasts in the Garden came flocking for Adam to name them, - Men for a title to-day crawl to the feet of a king. - - JOHN HAY, _Poems_. - - - You cannot have everything, as the man said when - he was down with small-pox and cholera, and - the yellow fever came into the neighbourhood. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - Whene'er I take my walks abroad, - How many _rich_ I see! - There's A. and B. and C. and D. - All better off than me! - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - At one period of his boyhood, Macaulay's fancy - was much exercised by the threats and terrors of - the law. He had a little plot of ground at the - back of the house, marked out as his own by a row of - oyster-shells, which a maid one day threw away as rubbish. - He went straight to the drawing-room, where his - mother was entertaining some visitors, walked into the - circle, and said very solemnly: "Cursed be Sally; for it - is written, 'Cursed is he that removeth his neighbour's - landmark.'" - - G. O. TREVELYAN, _Life of Macaulay_. - - - If care were not the waiter - Behind a fellow's chair, - When easy-going sinners - Sit down to Richmond dinners, - And life's swift stream flows straighter-- - By Jove, it would be rare, - If care were not the waiter - Behind a fellow's chair. - - If wit were always radiant, - And wine were always iced, - And bores were kicked out straightway - Through a convenient gateway; - Then down the years' long gradient - 'Twere sad to be enticed, - If wit were always radiant, - And wine were always iced. - - MORTIMER COLLINS, in _The Owl_. - - - Building a staircase for Sir Henry Meux, [Beazley] - called it making a new "Gradus ad Parnassum," - because it was steps for the _muses_. - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - I cannot clear the five-bar gate, - But, trying first its timber's state, - Climb stiffly up, take breath, and wait - To trundle over. - - WALTER SAVAGE LANDOR. - - - La constance est la chimère de l'amour. - - VAUVENARGUES, _Réflexions_. - - - _ON AN INTEMPERATE HUSBAND._ - - Whence comes it that in Clara's face - The lily only has a place? - Is it because the absent rose - Has gone to paint her husband's nose? - - _A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727). - - - [Charles] Sheridan told me that his father, - being a good deal plagued by an old maiden - relation of his always going out to walk with - him, said one day that the weather was bad and rainy; - to which the old lady answered that, on the contrary, it - had cleared up. "Yes," said Sheridan, "it has cleared - enough for _one_, but not for _two_." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - To Urn, or not to Urn? that is the question: - Whether 'tis nobler for our frames to suffer - The shows and follies of outrageous custom, - Or to take fire--against a sea of zealots-- - And, by consuming, end them? To Urn--to keep-- - No more: and while we keep, to say we end - Contagion and the thousand graveyard ills - That flesh is heir to--'tis a consume-ation - Devoutly to be wished! - - WILLIAM SAWYER. - - - _ANSWER TO AN INQUIRY._ - - "_Young author._"--Yes, Agassiz _does_ recommend - authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus - in it makes brains. So far you are - correct. But I cannot help you to a decision about the - amount you need to eat--at least, not with certainty. If - the specimen composition you send is about your fair - usual average, I should judge that perhaps a couple of - whales would be all you would want for the present. - Not the largest kind, but simply good, middling-sized - whales. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - The firm of Baxter, Rose, and Norton, - Deny the plaintiffs Arthur Orton; - But can't deny, what's more important, - That he has done what Arthur oughtn't. - - ANON. - - - Hume and his wife and several of their children - were with me. Hume repeated the old saying, - "One fool makes many." "Ay, Mr. Hume," - said I, pointing to the company, "you have a fine - family." - - CHARLES LAMB, _apud_ CRABB ROBINSON. - - - Plus on juge, moins on aime. - - BALZAC, _Physiologie du Mariage_. - - - George the Third scolded Lord North for - never going to the concert of antient music: - "Your brother, the bishop," said the king, - "never misses them, my lord." "Sir," answered the - premier, "if I were as deaf as my brother, the bishop, I - would never miss them either!" - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - _ON A MODERN ACTRESS._ - - "Miss Neilson's 'benefit'," one says; - I ask to what the phrase refers; - For, sure, when such an artist plays, - The "benefit" is ours, not hers. - - W. D. A. - - - Our king [William IV.] is _ultra_-popular. Have - you heard Lord Alvanley's _bon mot_ concerning - him? He was standing at the window at White's, - when the king, with a thousand of his loving subjects at - his heels, was walking up St. James's Street. A friend - said to him, "What are you staring at, Alvanley?" "I - am waiting to see his Majesty's pocket picked," was the - reply. - - MISS MITFORD, _Life and Letters_. - - - Methinks the lays of now-a-days - Are painfully in earnest. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Hicks was talking to Thackeray of a certain - gentleman's strange addiction to beer. "It's a - great pity," said Hicks, "that he does not keep a - check-rein on himself, for he is a marvellous fellow otherwise--I - mean, for talent I hardly know his equal." - "No," retorted Thackeray, "he is a remarkable man. - Take him for half-and-half, we ne'er shall look upon his - like again." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - Pro conibus calidis, conibus frigidis, - Pro conibus mollibus, conibus rigidis, - Pro conibus senibus - Atque juvenibus, - Gratias agimus fatis, - Habuimus satis. - - ANON. - - - One of the "Hooks and Eyes" was expatiating on - the fact that he had dined three times at the - Duke of Devonshire's, and that on neither occasion - had there been any fish at table. "I cannot account - for it," he added. "I can," said Jerrold: "they ate it all - upstairs." - - CHARLES MACKAY, _Recollections_. - - - Veracity is a plant of paradise, and its seeds - have never flourished beyond the walls. - - _Machiavelli_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Romola_. - - - I know not why my soul is rack'd: - Why I ne'er smile as was my wont: - I only know that, as a fact, - I don't. - - I used to roam o'er glen and glade, - Buoyant and blithe as other folk: - And not unfrequently I made - A joke. - - All day I sang; of love, of fame, - Of fights our fathers fought of yore, - Until the thing almost became - A bore. - - I cannot sing the old songs now - It is not that I deem them low; - 'Tis that I can't remember how - They go. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - During [a] drive, Lord William L----, a man - of fashion, but, like other of the great men of - the day, an issuer of paper money discounted at - high rates by the usurers, was thrown off his horse. - Mr. and Mrs. King immediately quitted the carriage, and - placed the noble lord within. On this circumstance - being mentioned in the clubs, Brummell observed it was - only "a Bill _Jewly_ (duly) taken up and honoured." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - She made the cleverest people quite ashamed, - And even the good with inward envy groaned, - Finding themselves so very much exceeded - In their own way by all the things that she did. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - On the elevation of some childless person to the - peerage, [Lady Charlotte Lindsay] remarked - that he was "of the new Order, which seemed - the popular one, not of the Barons, but the Barrens." - - LORD HOUGHTON, _Monographs_. - - - Oft when petty annoyances ruffle the soul, - And the temper defies philosophic control, - The emotion is quelled, and a calm will succeed, - Through the simple device of inhaling the Weed: - Such magical power has the soothing Canaster - To bring balmy content and good humour to Gaster. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - Morgan John O'Connell had the ready - wit of his country in a remarkable degree. We - were walking by the Wey one day, when an - Oxford graduate, who had a taste for botany, plucked a - flower (_Balsamum impatiens_) from the river, remarking - that it was a very rare plant. "It is an out-of-the-_Wey_ - one, at any rate," was the instantaneous reply. - - W. H. HARRISON, _University Magazine_. - - - Oh! 'tis the most tremendous bore - Of all the bores I know, - To have a friend who's lost his heart - A short time ago. - - _Bon Gaultier Ballads._ - - - I never on any account allow my business to - interfere with my drinking. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - _NURSERY RHYME._ - - What is an Englishman made of? - Roast beef and jam tart, - And a pint of good Clar't, - And that's what an Englishman's made of. - - What is a Frenchman, pray, made of? - Horse steak, and frog fritter, - And absinthe so bitter, - And that's what a Frenchman is made of. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - Marriage is a desperate thing. The frogs in - Æsop were extreme wise; they had a great mind - to some water, but they would not leap into the - well, because they could not get out again. - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - ("Don't speak so hard of ----; he lives on your - good graces.") That accounts for his being - so thin. - - LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. - - - We are wise--and we make ourselves hazy; - We are foolish--and so, go to church; - While Sambo but laughs, and is lazy - (Vile discipline! lend me thy birch); - He dreams of no life save the present, - His virtue is but when it suits; - Sometimes, which is not quite so pleasant, - I miss coat or boots. - - _Once a Week._ - - - You remember Thurlow's answer to some one complaining - of the injustice of a company, "Why, - you never expected justice from a company, did - you? They have neither a soul to save, nor a body to - kick." - - SYDNEY SMITH, _Life and Letters_. - - - Elliston, the actor, a self-educated man, was - playing cribbage one evening, with Lamb, and - on drawing out his first card, exclaimed, "When - Greek meets Greek, then comes the tug of war." "Yes," - replied Lamb, "and when _you_ meet Greek, you don't - understand it." - - _Life of Rev. W Harness._ - - - To Justice Park's brother, who was a great church-goer, - some one applied the words, "_Parcus_ - deorum cultor." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - "You'll soon get used to her looks," said he, - "And a very nice girl you'll find her; - She may very well pass for forty-three, - In the dusk, with a light behind her!" - - _Judge_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Trial by Jury_. - - - "My brethren," said Swift in a sermon, "there are - three sorts of pride--of birth, of riches, and of - talents. I shall not now speak of the latter, - none of you being liable to that abominable vice." - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - No doubt this patience, when the world is damning us, - Is philosophic in our former friends; - It is also pleasant to be deem'd magnanimous, - The more so in obtaining our own ends. - Revenge in person's certainly no virtue, - But then 'tis not _my_ fault if _others_ hurt you. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - He was not an intellectual Croesus, but his pockets - were full of sixpences. - - LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Lothair_. - - - It's after a dinner at Freemason's Hall - That the orator's talent shines brightest of all; - When his eye becomes glazed, and his voice becomes thick, - And he's had so much hock he can only say _hic_. - So the company leave him to slumber and snore - Till he's put in a hat and conveyed to the door; - And he finds, upon reaching his home in a cab, - That his wife rather shines in the gift of the gab. - - H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_. - - - One of our countrymen having been introduced by - M. de la Rochefoucauld to Mademoiselle Bigottini, - the beautiful and graceful dancer, in the - course of conversation with this gentleman, asked him in - what part of the theatre he was placed; upon which he - replied, "Mademoiselle, _dans un loge róti_," instead of - "_grillé_." The lady could not understand what he meant, - until his introducer explained the mistake, observing, - "_Ces diables d'Anglais pensent toujours à leur Rosbif_." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - The sea was wet as wet could be, - The sands were dry as dry, - You could not see a cloud, because - No cloud was in the sky: - No birds were flying overhead-- - There were no birds to fly. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Through the Looking-Glass_. - - - A man of business should always have his eyes - open, but must often seem to have them shut. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Maxims_. - - - Next morning twelve citizens came - ('Twas the coroner bade them attend) - To the end that it might be determined - How the man had determined his end! - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. - - - I remember on one occasion acting in "Venice - Preserved." A long and rather drowsy dying - speech of my poor friend Jaffier was "dragging - its slow length along," when one of the gallery, in a tone - of great impatience, called out very loudly, "Ah now, die - at once;" to which another from the other side immediately - replied, "Be quiet, you blackguard," then, turning - with a patronizing tone to the lingering Jaffier, "Take - your time!" - - W. C. MACREADY, _Diary_. - - - The days they grow shorter and shorter, - The town's worse than ever for smoke, - Invention, Necessity's daughter! - How long must we blacken and choke? - Much longer we ne'er can endure it, - The smother each resident damns; - Unless something's done to cure it, - 'Twill cure _us_ like so many hams. - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. - - - A kind Providence furnishes the limpest personality - with a little gum or starch in the form of - tradition. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Middlemarch_. - - - Oil and water--woman and a secret-- - Are hostile properties. - - _Baradas_, in LORD LYTTON's _Richelieu_. - - - At a musical _soirée_ in Paris, a lady, possessing a - magnificent soprano voice and remarkable facility - of execution, sang the great Maestro's well-known - aria, "Una Voce," with great effect, but overladen - with fiorituri of the most elaborate description. Rossini, - at its conclusion, advanced to the piano and complimented - the lady most highly upon her vocal powers, terminating - his encomiums with the cruel inquiry: "Mais - de qui est la musique?" - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - _ON A BAD SINGER._ - - Swans sing before they die; 'twere no bad thing - Did certain persons die before they sing. - - S. T. COLERIDGE. - - - "Is life worth living?" That depends upon the - liver. - - _The World._ - - - _OLD LOVES._ - - "Then, you liked little Bowes."-- - "And you liked Jane Raby!" - "But you like _me_ now, Rose?"-- - "As I liked 'little Bowes'!" - "Am I then to suppose----" - "_Hush!--you mustn't wake baby!_" - "_Did_ you like little Bowes?"-- - "If you liked Jane Raby!" - - AUSTIN DOBSON, _Proverbs in Porcelain_. - - - Women, when left to themselves, talk chiefly about - their dress; they think more about their lovers - than they talk about them. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - O if billows and pillows, and bowers and flowers, - And all the brave rhymes of an elder day, - Could be furled together, this genial weather, - And carted, or carried on "wafts" away, - Nor ever again trotted out--ah me! - How much fewer volumes of verse there'd be! - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - _Miss Prue._ Must I tell a lie, then? - _Tattle._ Yes, if you'd be well-bred. All well-bred - persons lie. - - CONGREVE, _Love for Love_. - - - Some attacks on the lungs, that of woe would be full, - Are repelled by a filter of loose Cotton Wool; - But a barrier of brass, or a _chevaux-de-frise_, - Won't exclude some descriptions of Dust and Disease. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - When an acquaintance came up to him and said, - "Why, Jerrold, I hear you said my nose was like - the ace of clubs!" Jerrold returned, "No, I - didn't; but now I look at it, I see it is very like." - - MRS. COWDEN CLARKE. - - - _WUS, EVER WUS._ - - Wus, ever wus! By freak of Puck's - My most exciting hopes are dashed; - I never wore my spotless ducks - But madly--wildly!--they were splashed. - - I never roved by Cynthia's beam, - To gaze upon the starry sky, - But some old stiff-backed beetle came, - And charged into my pensive eye. - - And oh! I never did the swell - In Regent Street, amongst the beaus, - But smuts the most prodigious fell, - And always settled on my nose! - - H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Puck on Pegasus_. - - - L'hymen vient après l'amour, comme la fumée - après la flamme. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - It may be so--perhaps thou hast - A warm and loving heart; - I will not blame thee for thy face, - Poor devil as thou art. - That thing thou fondly deem'st a nose, - Unsightly though it be-- - In spite of all the cold world's scorn, - It may be much to thee. - - Those eyes--among thine elder friends - Perhaps they pass for blue; - No matter--if a man can see, - What more have eyes to do? - Thy mouth--that fissure in thy face, - By something like a chin, - May be a very useful place - To put thy victuals in. - - OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. - - - Nothing shows one who his friends are, like - prosperity and ripe fruit. I had a good friend - in the country whom I almost never visited - except in cherry time. By your fruits you shall know - them. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - _AN EPITAPH._ - - A lovely young lady I mourn in my rhymes: - She was pleasant, good-natured, and civil sometimes. - Her figure was good: she had very fine eyes, - And her talk was a mixture of foolish and wise. - Her adorers were many, and one of them said, - "She waltzed rather well! It's a pity she's dead!" - - G. J. CAYLEY, in _Comic Poets_. - - - Anybody amuses me for once. A new acquaintance - is like a new book. I prefer it, even if - bad, to a classic. - - _Lady Montfort_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Endymion_. - - - Now I hold it is not decent for a scientific gent - To say another is an ass,--at least, to all intent; - Nor should the individual who happens to be meant - Reply by heaving rocks at him to any great extent. - - BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. - - - Story of Edward Walpole, who, being told, one - day at the "Garrick," that the confectioners had - a way of discharging the ink from old parchment - by a chemical process, and then making the parchment - into isinglass for their jellies, said, "Then I find a man - may now eat his deeds as well as his words." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - What is the spell that 'twixt a saint and sinner - The diff'rence makes?--a sermon? Bah! a dinner. - - ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. - - - "I vent to the club this mornin', sir. There - vorn't no letters, sir." "Very good, Topping." - "How's missus, sir?" "Pretty well, Topping." - "Glad to hear it, sir. _My_ missus ain't very well, - sir." "No!" "No, sir, she's agoin', sir, to have a hincrease - werry soon, and it makes her nervous, sir; and - ven a young voman gets down at sich a time, sir, she - goes down werry deep, sir." To this sentiment I reply - affirmatively, and then he adds, as he stirs the fire (as if - he were thinking out loud), "Wot a mystery it is! Wot - a go is natur'!" - - CHARLES DICKENS, _apud_ J. T. FIELDS. - - - The most forlorn--what worms we are!-- - Would wish to finish this cigar - Before departing. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Mrs. Cadwallader says it is nonsense, people - going a long journey when they are married. - She says they get tired to death of each other, - and can't quarrel comfortably, as they would at home. - - _Celia Brooke_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Middlemarch_. - - - Some think that man from a monkey grew - By steps of long generation, - When, after many blunders, a few - Good hits were made in creation; - But I can't comprehend this at all; - Of blind groping forces - Though Darwin discourses, - I rather incline - To believe in design - With Plato, and Peter, and Paul. - - J. S. BLACKIE, _Musa Burschicosa_. - - - In a trial, where a German and his wife were giving - evidence, the former was asked by the counsel, - "How old are you?" "I am _dirty_." "And - what is your wife?" "Mine wife is _dirty-two_." "Then, - sir, you are a very nasty couple, and I wish to have - nothing further to say to either of you." - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - He'd better be apt with his pen - Than well-dressed, and well-booted and gloved, - Who likes to be liked by the men, - By the women who loves to be loved: - And Fashion full often has paid - Her good word in return for a gay word, - For a song in the manner of Praed, - Or an anecdote worthy of Hayward. - - G. O. TREVELYAN, _Ladies in Parliament_. - - - Oh, my Maria! Alas! she married another. They - frequently do. I hope she is happy--because I - am. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - Rise up, cold reverend, to a see; - Confound the unbeliever! - Yet ne'er 'neath thee my seat shall be - For ever and for ever. - - Preach, softly preach, in lawn and be - A comely, model liver, - But ne'er 'neath thee my seat shall be - For ever and for ever. - - And here shall sleep thy Alderman, - And here thy pauper shiver, - And here by thee shall buzz the "she," - For ever and for ever. - - A thousand men shall sneer at thee, - A thousand women quiver, - But ne'er 'neath thee my seat shall be - For ever and for ever. - - _The Shotover Papers._ - - - For people to live happily together, the real secret - is, that they should not live too much together. - - _Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_. - - - Lord Ellenborough's saying to a witness; - "Why, you are an industrious fellow; you must - have taken pains with yourself; no man was - ever _naturally_ so stupid." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - If you've a thousand a year or a minute; - If you're a D'Orsay, whom every one follows; - If you've a head (it don't matter what's in it) - Fair as Apollo's; - If you approve of flirtations, good dinners, - Seascapes divine which the merry winds whiten, - Nice little saints and still nicer young sinners,-- - Winter in Brighton! - - MORTIMER COLLINS. - - - He [Bagehot] used to say, banteringly, to his mother, - by way of putting her off at a time when she was - anxious for him to marry, "A man's mother is - his misfortune, but his wife is his fault!" - - R. H. HUTTON, _Memoir of W. Bagehot_. - - - _A LADY ON THE PRINCESSE DRESS._ - - My dress, you'll aver, is Economy's own, - Designed with most exquisite taste; - From zone unto hem, and from tucker to zone, - You can't find a vestige of _waist_! - - J. ASHBY STERRY, in _English Epigrams_. - - - Lord Palmerston, during his last attack of - gout, exclaimed, playfully, "_Die_, my dear - doctor! That's the _last_ thing I think of doing." - - J. C. JEAFFRESON, _About Lawyers_. - - - _ON POVERTY._ - - He who in his pocket has no money - Should, in his mouth, be never without honey. - - _Epigrams in Distich._ - - - Tavern--a house kept for those who are not - housekeepers. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - When the breakfast is spread, - When the topers are mellow, - When the foam of the bride-cake is white, and - the fierce orange-blossoms are yellow. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Phantasmagoria_. - - - On [one] occasion, at a concert, a very indifferent - tenor, who sang repeatedly out of tune, was indiscreet - enough to express his regret to Rossini - that he should have heard him for the first time in that - room, as, he complained, "Le plafond est si sourd." - Rossini raised his eyes to the abused ceiling, and simply - ejaculated, "Heureux plafond!" - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - If, sick of home and luxuries, - You want a new sensation, - And sigh for the unwonted ease - Of _un_accommodation,-- - If you would taste, as amateur, - And vagabond beginner, - The painful pleasures of the poor-- - Get up a picnic dinner. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - A country rector, coming up to preach at - Oxford in his turn, complained to Dr. Routh, - the venerable Principal of Maudlin, that the - remuneration was very inadequate, considering the - travelling expenses and the labour necessary for the - composition of the discourse. "How much did they - give you?" inquired Dr. Routh. "Only five pounds," - was the reply. "Only five pounds?" repeated the - doctor; "why, I would not have preached that sermon - for fifty!" - - _Life of Rev. W. Harness._ - - - Dey vented to de Voman's Righds, - Vere laties all agrees, - De gals should pe de voters, - And deir beaux all de votées. - "For efery man dat nefer vorks, - Von frau should vranchised pe: - Dat ish de vay I solf dis ding," - Said Breitmann, said he. - - C. G. LELAND, _Breitmann Ballads_. - - - There is nothing more universally commended - than a fine day; the reason is, that people can - commend it without envy. - - SHENSTONE, _Essays_. - - - Let the singing singers, - With vocal voices, most vociferous, - In sweet vociferation out-vociferize - Even sound itself. - - _Chrononhotonthologos_, in CAREY's farce. - - - Giving advice is, many times, only the privilege - of saying a foolish thing one's self, under pretence - of hindering another from doing one. - - POPE, _Thoughts on Various Subjects_. - - - Of pay or play may preach this knot-- - Of death or duns or love's devotion-- - I tied it yesterday, but what - It means, I've not the faintest notion. - - H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Pegasus Resaddled_. - - - _René._ Qu'est ce que c'est donc que les affaires, - Monsieur Giraud? - _Giraud._ Les affaires? c'est bien simple; c'est - l'argent des autres. - - DUMAS fils, _La Question d'Argent_. - - - Tous les méchants sont buveurs d'eau. - - COMTE DE SÉGUR. - - - Miss Pellingle commences "Rousseau's - Dream," with variations. Beautiful melody, by - itself first, clear and distinct. - - Now the air tries to break out between alternate notes, - like a prisoner behind bars. Then we have a variation - entirely bass. - - _Happy thought._--Rousseau snoring. - - Then a scampering up, a meeting with the right - hand, a scampering down, and a leap off one note into - space. Then both in the middle, wobbling; then down - into the bass again. - - _Happy thought._--Rousseau after a heavy supper. - - A plaintive variation.--Rousseau in pain. - - Light strain: Mazurka time.--Rousseau kicking in his - sleep. - - F. C. BURNAND, _Happy Thoughts_. - - - Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year, - Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear, - When Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs, - Impatiently begins to "dim her eyes!" - Compelled at last, in life's uncertain gloamings, - To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well-saved "combings," - Reduced with rouge, lip-salve, and pearly gray, - To "make up" for lost time, as best she may! - - _Lady Jane_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Patience_. - - - No coinage in circulation so fluctuates in value as - the worth of a marriageable man. - - LORD LYTTON, _What will he do with it?_ - - - _ANATHEMA IN EXCELSIS._ - - Creed of St. Anathasius? No, indeed. - Call it, good priests, the Anathemasian Creed. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - Mistrust all those who love you extremely upon - a very slight acquaintance, and without any - visible reason. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Maxims_. - - - _BENEVOLENT NEUTRALITY._ - - When man and wife at odds fall out, - Let Syntax be your tutor; - 'Twixt masculine and feminine, - What should one be but neuter? - - ANON. - - - MY friend the late Sam Phillips one day met Douglas - Jerrold, and told him he had seen, the day before, - Payne Collier looking wonderfully gay and - well--quite an evergreen. "Ah," said Jerrold, "he may - be evergreen, but he's never _read_." On my repeating - this to Hicks, he smiled and said, "Now that's what I - call 'ready wit.'" - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - One day, when conversing with [a] friend, something - was said on the subject of religious persecution, - on which [Whately] remarked, "It is no wonder - that some English people have a taste for persecuting on - account of religion, since it is the first lesson that most - are taught in their nurseries." His friend expressed his - incredulity, and denied that _he_, at least, had been taught - it. "Are you sure?" replied Dr. Whately. "What - think you of this-- - 'Old Daddy Longlegs _won't say his prayers_, - Take him by the left leg, and throw him downstairs'? - - If that is not religious persecution, what is?" - - E. J. WHATELY, _Life of Whately_. - - - _ON A PUBLIC-HOUSE._ - - Of this establishment how can we speak? - Its cheese is mity, and its ale is weak. - - ANON. - - - At a fête at Hatfield House, _tableaux vivants_ were - among the chief amusements, and scenes from - _Ivanhoe_ were among the selections. All the - parts were filled up but that of _Isaac of York_. Lady - Salisbury begged Lord Alvanley "to make the set complete, - by doing the Jew." "Anything in my power your - ladyship may demand," replied Alvanley; "but though - no man in England has tried oftener, I never could _do a - Jew_ in my life." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - There's nothing we read of in torture's inventions, - Like a well-meaning dunce with the best of intentions. - - J. R. LOWELL, _A Fable for Critics_. - - - _THE POPE._ - - Miss D., on her return to the Highlands of Scotland, - from Rome, went to see an auld Scottish - wife, and said, to interest the old woman, "I - have been to Rome since I saw you--I have seen all - sorts of great people--I have seen the Pope." The sympathetic - old dame replied with animation, "The Pope of - Rome!--Honest marn!--haze he ony family?" - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. - - - Nay, tempt me not, Arab, again to stay; - Since I crave neither _Echo_ nor _Fun_ to-day, - For thy _hand_ is not Echoless--there they are, - _Fun_, _Glowworm_, and _Echo_, and _Evening Star_: - And thou hintest withal that thou fain wouldst shine, - As I con them, these bulgy old boots of mine. - But I shrink from thee, Arab! Thou eat'st eel-pie, - Thou evermore hast at least one black eye; - There is brass on thy brow, and thy swarthy hues - Are due not to nature but handling shoes; - And the bit in thy mouth, I regret to see, - Is a bit of tobacco-pipe--Flee, child, flee! - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - The bulk of men in our days are just as immoral as - they were in Charles the Second's; the only - difference is that they are incomparably more - stupid, and that instead of decking their immorality with - the jewels of wit, they clumsily try to cover it with the - tarpaulin of respectability. - - _Mr. Luke_, in MALLOCK's _New Republic_. - - - _WHY WIVES MAKE NO WILLS._ - - Men dying make their wills, why cannot wives? - Because wives have their wills during their lives. - - R. HUGMAN (_circa_ 1628). - - - What the mischief do you suppose you want with a - post-office at Baldwin's Ranch? It would not - do you any good. If any letters came there, - you couldn't read them, you know; and besides, such - letters as ought to pass through, with money in them, for - other localities, would not be likely to _get_ through, you - must perceive at once; and that would make trouble for - us all. No; don't bother about a post-office at your - camp. What you want is a nice jail, you know--a nice, - substantial jail, and a free school. These will be a - lasting benefit to you. These will make you really contented - and happy. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - Nous avons tous assez de force pour supporter les - maux d'autrui. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - Rogers happened to ask Macaulay what he - thought of Miss Harriet Martineau's wonderful - cures by mesmerism. He said, with one of his - rare smiles, "Oh, it's all my eye, and Hetty Martineau!" - - LADY CHATTERTON, _Life_. - - - Tame is Virtue's school; - Paint, as more effective, - Villain, knave, and fool, - With always a Detective. - Hate for Love may sit; - Gloom will do for Gladness; - Banish Sense and Wit, - And dash in lots of Madness. - - Stir the broth about; - Keep the furnace glowing; - Soon we'll pour it out - In three bright volumes flowing. - Some may jeer and jibe: - _We_ know where the shop is, - Ready to subscribe - For a thousand copies! - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - Th' young men noo-a-days, they're poor squashy - things--the' looke well anoof, but the' woon't - wear, the' woon't wear. - - _"Mester" Ford_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Mr. Gilfil_. - - - "Where are the boys of my youth?" I assure you - this is not a conundrum. Some are amongst - you here--some in America--some are in - gaol. - - Hence arises a most touching question: "Where are - the girls of my youth?" Some are married--some - would like to be. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - Mark how the lorgnettes cautiously they raise - Lest points, no pose so thoughtless but displays, - A too quick curiosity should hide-- - For they who gaze must gazed-at be beside. - - ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. - - - I sent the book down to the Dean, from Saunders - and Otley's. Speaking of that firm, I don't know - whether I told you of young Sutton, Lord - Canterbury's son, calling there one day very angry, - because they had not sent him some books he had - ordered. He was, as usual, pretty warm, and so much - so that one of the partners could bear it no longer, and - told him as much. "I don't know who you are," was - the answer, "but I don't want to annoy you _personally_, - as you may not be the one in fault: it's your confounded - house that I blame. You may be Otley, or you may be - Saunders; if you are Saunders, d---- Otley; if you are - Otley, d---- Saunders. I mean nothing personal _to you_." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - Of all actions of a man's life, his marriage does - least concern other people, yet of all actions of - our life 'tis most meddled with by other people. - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - A grave and quiet man was he, - Who loved his book and rod,-- - So even ran his line of life - His neighbours thought it odd. - - He ne'er aspired to rank or wealth, - Nor cared about a name, - For though much famed for fish was he, - He never fished for fame! - - Let others bend their necks at sight - Of Fashion's gilded wheels, - He ne'er had learned the art to "bob" - For anything but eels! - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. - - - A little knowledge of the world is a very - dangerous thing, especially in literature. - - _Lord Montfort_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Endymion_. - - - Si les hommes ne se flattaient pas les uns les autres, - il n'y aurait guère de société. - - VAUVENARGUES, _Réflexions_. - - - The gravest aversion exists among bears - From rude forward persons who give themselves airs,-- - We know how some graceless young people were maul'd - For plaguing a Prophet, and calling him _bald_. - - Strange ursine devotion! their dancing-days ended, - Bears die to "remove" what, in life, they defended: - They succour'd the Prophet, and, since that affair, - The bald have a painful regard for the bear. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Heaven knows what would become of our sociality - if we never visited people we speak ill of; we - should live, like Egyptian hermits, in crowded - solitude. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Janet's Repentance_. - - - Methinks the older that one grows - Inclines us more to laugh than scold, though laughter - Leaves us so doubly serious shortly after. - - LORD BYRON, _Beppo_. - - - We ought never to contend for what we are not - likely to obtain. - - CARDINAL DE RETZ, _Memoirs_. - - - "I will never marry a woman who cannot carve," - said M----. "Why?" "Because she would - not be a help-meat for me." - - _Literary Gazette._ - - - Twinkle, twinkle, little bat! - How I wonder what you're at! - Up above the world you fly, - Like a tea-tray in the sky. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - We had for dinner, among other things, a ham which - was not well flavoured; and Mrs. Frederick - Mackenzie, who was annoyed about it, began - apologizing, and saying that Ellerton, the local grocer, - had sold it to her as something very excellent, and as a - genuine Westphalia. "Ah!" said Compton, "I cannot - determine precisely whether it is east or west, but it is a - _failure_ of some sort." - - R. B. CARTER, in _Memoir of H. Compton_. - - - One of the company asserting that he had seen a - pike caught, which weighed thirty-six pounds, - and was four feet in length,--"Had it been a - sole," said Harry [Sandford], "it would have surprised - me less, as Shakespeare tells us, 'All the _souls_ that are, - were _four feet_ (forfeit) once.'" - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - There is safety in numbers, especially in odd - numbers. The Three Graces never married, - neither did the Nine Muses. - - _Kenelm Chillingly_, in LORD LYTTON's novel. - - - _DISTICH._ - - There are three species of creatures who when - they seem coming are going, - When they seem going they come: Diplomats, - women, and crabs. - - JOHN HAY, _Poems_. - - - If a man might know - The ill he must undergo, - And shun it so, - Then were it good to know. - But if he undergo it, - Though he know it, - What boots him know it? - He must undergo it. - - SIR JOHN SUCKLING. - - - Barry Cornwall told me that when he and - Charles Lamb were once making up a dinner-party - together, Charles asked him not to invite - a certain lugubrious friend of theirs. "Because," said - Lamb, "he would cast a damper even over a funeral." - - J. T. FIELDS, _Yesterdays with Authors_. - - - L'amour plaît plus que le mariage, par la - raison que les romans sont plus amusants que - l'histoire. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - The farmers daughter hath frank blue eyes; - (_Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese_) - She hears the rooks caw in the windy skies, - As she sits at her lattice and shells her peas. - - The farmer's daughter hath ripe red lips; - (_Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese_) - If you try to approach her, away she skips - Over tables and chairs with apparent ease. - - The farmer's daughter hath soft brown hair; - (_Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese_) - And I met with a ballad, I can't say where, - Which wholly consisted of lines like these. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - Macready told a story of George B----, the - actor, who, it seems, was not popular in the profession, - being considered a sort of time-server: - "There goes Georgius," said some one. "Not Georgium - Sidus?" replied Keeley. "Yes," added Power, "Georgium - _Any_-sidus." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - I'm weary, and sick, and disgusted - With Britain's mechanical din; - Where I'm much too well known to be trusted, - And plaguily pestered for tin; - Where love has two eyes for your banker, - And one chilly flame for yourself; - Where souls can afford to be franker, - But where they're well garnished with pelf. - - I'm sick of the whole race of poets, - Emasculate, misty, and fine; - They brew their small beer, and don't know its - Distinction from full-bodied wine. - I'm sick of the prosers, that house up - At drowsy St. Stephen's--ain't you? - I want some strong spirits to rouse up - A good resolution or two! - - _Bon Gaultier Ballads_. - - - "On one occasion," said Brummell, "I called to - inquire after a young lady who had sprained - her ankle. Lewis, on being asked how she - was, had said in the black's presence, 'The doctor has - seen her, put her legs straight, and the poor chicken is - doing well.' The servant, therefore, told me, with a very - mysterious and knowing look, 'Oh, sir, the doctor has - been here; she has laid eggs, and she and the chickens - are doing well.'" - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - A Scottish clergyman had some years since - been cited before the Ecclesiastical Assembly - at Edinburgh, to answer to a charge brought - against him of great irreverence in religious matters, and - Sir Walter [Scott] was employed by him to arrange his - defence. The principal fact alleged against him was his - having asserted, in a letter which was produced, that "he - considered Pontius Pilate to be a very ill-used man, as - he had done more for Christianity than all the other _nine - Apostles_ put together." The fact was proved, and suspension - followed. - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - _ON DIDACTICS IN POETRY._ - - Parnassus' peaks still catch the sun; - But why--O lyric brother!-- - Why build a Pulpit on the one, - A Platform on the other? - - AUSTIN DOBSON, in _Latter-Day Lyrics_. - - - My old fellow-traveller in Germany, himself an Irishman, - being on the box of an Irish mail-coach on - a very cold day, and observing the driver enveloping - his neck in the voluminous folds of an ample - "comforter," remarked, "You seem to be taking very - good care of yourself, my friend." "Och, to be shure I - am, sir," answered the driver; "what's all the world to a - man when his wife's a widdy?" - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - ---- has nothing truly human about him; he can't - even yawn like a man. - - LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. - - - We are apt to be kinder to the brutes that love us - than to the women that love us. Is it because - the brutes are dumb? - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Adam Bede_. - - - A frontispiece of a new magazine, - With all the fashions which the last month wore, - Colour'd, and silver-paper leaved between - That and the title page, for fear the press - Should soil with parts of speech the parts of dress. - - LORD BYRON, _Beppo_. - - - "I wish to consult you upon a little project I - have formed," said a noodle to his friend. "I - have an idea in my head----" "Have you?" - interposed the friend, with a look of great surprise; - "then you shall have my opinion at once: _keep it there_!--it - may be some time before you get another." - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - On aime mieux dire du mal de soi-même que de - n'en point parler. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - And I said, "Why is this thus? What is the reason - of this thusness?" - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - _THEOLOGICAL HOROLOGY._ - - There's this to say about the Scotch, - So bother bannocks, braes, and birks, - They can't produce a decent watch, - For Calvinists despise good works. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - Dawson told a good story about the Irish landlord - counting out the change of a guinea. "12, - 13, 14" (a shot heard); "Bob, go and see who's - that that's killed; 15, 16, 17" (enter Bob). "It's Kelly, - sir." "Poor Captain Kelly, a very good customer of - mine; 18, 19, 20--there's your change, sir." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - Can this be Balbus, household word for all, - Whose earliest exploit was to build a wall: - Who, with a frankness that I'm sure must charm ye, - Declared it was all over with the army? - Can this be he who feasted, as 'twas said, - The town at forty sesterces a head? - But, while the thankless mob his bounty quaffed, - Historians add--that there were some who laughed. - - _Horace_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Horace at Athens_. - - - I should never like scolding any one else so - well; and that is a point to be thought of in a - husband. - - _Mary Garth_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Middlemarch_. - - - In Logic a woman may seldom excel; - But in Rhetoric always she bears off the bell. - Fair Portia will show woman's talent for law, - When in old Shylock's bond she could prove such a flaw. - She would blunder in physic no worse than the rest, - She could leave things to Nature as well as the best, - She could feel at your wrist, she could finger your fee; - Then why should a woman not get a degree? - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - _Quam parvâ sapientiâ regitur mundus._ Say rather, - _quam magnâ stultitiâ_. - - CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. - - - The padded corsage and the well-matched hair, - Judicious jupon spreading out the spare, - Sleeves well designed soft plumpness to impart, - Leave vacant still the hollows of the heart. - - ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. - - - A Tailor is partly an alchemist, for he extracteth - his own apparel out of other men's clothes. - - SIR THOMAS OVERBURY, _Characters_. - - - I am quite ashamed to take people into my garden, - and have them notice the absence of onions. In - onion is strength; and a garden without it lacks - flavour. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - Torbay had incurred a good deal of expense - To make him a Scotchman in every sense - But this is a matter, you'll readily own, - That isn't a question of tailors alone. - - A Sassenach chief may be bonily built, - He may purchase a sporran, a bonnet, and kilt, - Stick a skean in his hose--wear an acre of stripes-- - But he cannot assume an affection for pipes. - - W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_. - - - When you have found the master-passion of a man, - remember never to trust him where that passion - is concerned. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - _ON ONE WHO SPOKE LITTLE._ - - "I hardly ever ope my lips," one cries: - "Simonides, what think you of my rule?" - "If you're a fool, I think you're very wise; - If you are wise, I think you are a fool." - - R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_. - - - Nous aimons mieux voir ceux à qui nous faisons - du bien que ceux qui nous en font. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - _ALL SAINTS'_. - - In a church which is furnish'd with mullion and gable, - With altar and reredos, with gargoyle and groin, - The penitents' dresses are sealskin and sable, - The odour of sanctity's eau-de-Cologne. - But only could Lucifer, flying from Hades, - Gaze down on this crowd with its panniers and paints, - He would say, as he look'd at the lords and the ladies, - "Oh, where is All Sinners', if this is All Saints'?" - - EDMUND YATES. - - - If we are long absent from our friends, we forget - them; if we are constantly with them, we despise - them. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - A well-known _litterateur_, on seeing [Lady - Ruthven], after breakfast, feeding her pheasants - with crumbs and milk, exclaimed, "Ah! I see - your ladyship is preparing them _here_, for bread-sauce - _hereafter_." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - The second canto of the "Pleasures of Memory," - as published in the first edition, commenced - with the lines-- - "Sweet memory, wafted by thy gentle gale, - Oft up the tide of Time I turn my sail." - - [A] critic remarked on this passage that it suggested the - alliteration-- - "Oft up the tide of Time I turn my _tail_." - - ROGERS, _Table Talk_. - - - I like the man who makes a pun, - Or drops a deep remark; - I like philosophy or fun-- - A lecture or a lark; - But I despise the men who gloat - Inanely over anecdote. - - Ah me! I'd rather live alone - Upon a desert isle, - Without a voice except my own - To cheer me all the while, - Than dwell with men who learn by rote - Their paltry funds of anecdote. - - H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_. - - - No woman is too silly not to have a genius for - spite. - - ANNA C. STEELE. - - - That's what a man wants in a wife mostly; he - wants to make sure o' one fool as 'ull tell him - he's wise. - - _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - The characters of great and small - Come ready-made, we can't bespeak one; - Their sides are many, too,--and all - (Except ourselves) have got a weak one. - Some sanguine people love for life, - Some love their hobby till it flings them.-- - How many love a pretty wife - For love of the _éclat_ she brings them! - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Conscience, in most souls, is like an English - Sovereign--it reigns, but it does not govern. - Its function is merely to give a formal assent to - the Bills passed by the passions; and it knows, if it - opposes what those are really bent upon, that ten to one - it will be obliged to abdicate. - - _Leslie_, in MALLOCK's _New Republic_. - - - If you are pious (mild form of insanity), - Bow down and worship the mass of humanity. - Other religions are buried in mists; - We're our own Gods, say the Positivists. - - MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_. - - - We were sitting in the green-room one evening - during the performance, chatting and laughing, - she [Mrs. Nesbitt] having a book in her hand - which she had to take on the stage with her in the next - scene, when Brindal, a useful member of the company, - but not particularly remarkable for wit or humour, came - to the door, and, leaning against it, in a sentimental - manner drawled out,-- - "If to her share some female errors fall, - Look in her face----" - - He paused. She raised her beautiful eyes to him, and - consciously smiled--_her_ smile--in anticipation of the - well-known complimentary termination of the couplet, - when, with a deep sigh, he added-- - "----and you'll _believe_ them all!" - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - _THE MAIDENS._ - - Perhaps, O lovers, if we did our hair - _A la_ Medea, and if our garments were - Draped classically, we should seem more fair. - - - _THE YOUTHS._ - - By doing this ye would not us befool; - Medea! the idea makes our blood run cool; - Besides, of classics we'd enough at school. - - _Once a Week_. - - - Pledge me round, I bid ye declare, - All good fellows whose beards are grey, - Did not the fairest of the fair - Common grow and wearisome ere - Ever a month was passed away? - - The reddest lips that ever have kissed, - The brightest eyes that ever have shone, - May pray and whisper, and we not list, - Or look away, and never be missed, - Ere yet ever a month is gone. - - W. M. THACKERAY. - - - It was known that Lord St. Jerome gave at his - ball suppers the same champagne that he gave - at his dinners, and that was of the highest class: - in short, a patriot. We talk with wondering execration - of the great poisoners of past ages, the Borgias, the - inventor of Aqua tofana, and the amiable Marchioness - de Brinvilliers; but Pinto was of opinion that there - were more social poisoners about in the present day than - in the darkest and most demoralized periods, and then - none of them are punished; which is so strange, he - would add, as they are all found out. - - LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Lothair_. - - - Seared is, of course, my heart:--but unsubdued - Is, and shall be, my appetite for food. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_. - - - Sheil had learnt and forgotten the exordium of a - speech which began with the word "Necessity." - This word he had repeated three times, when - Sir Robert Peel broke in--"is not _always_ the mother of - invention." - - ABRAHAM HAYWARD, _Essays_. - - - _ON MR. FROUDE AND CANON KINGSLEY._ - - Froude informs the Scottish youth - Parsons have small regard for truth; - The Reverend Canon Kingsley cries - That History is a pack of lies. - What cause for judgment so malign? - A brief reflection solves the mystery: - Froude believes Kingsley a divine, - And Kingsley goes to Froude for history. - - ANON. - - - Dined with Sydney Smith. He said that his brother - Robert had, in King George III.'s time, translated - the motto, "_Libertas sub rege pio_," "The - pious king has got liberty under." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - _Landlord_: He's only a genus. - _Glavis_: A what? - _Landlord_: A genus!--a man who can do everything - in life except anything that's useful--that's a genus. - - LORD LYTTON, _The Lady of Lyons_. - - - First love is a pretty romance, - But not half so sweet as 'tis reckoned; - And when one wakes from the trance, - There's a vast stock of bliss in the second. - - And e'en should a second subside, - A lover should never despair; - The world is uncommonly wide, - And the women uncommonly fair. - - The poets their raptures may tell, - Who have never been put to the test; - A first love is all very well, - But, believe me, the last love's the best. - - MR. BERNAL. - - - I've nothing to say again' her piety, my dear; but - I know very well I shouldn't like her to cook - my victual. When a man comes in hungry an' - tired, piety won't feed him, I reckon. Hard carrots - 'ull lie heavy on his stomach, piety or no piety. It's - right enough to be speritial--I'm no enemy to that; but - I like my potatoes mealy. - - _Mrs. Linnet_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Janet's Repentance_. - - - Somehow, sitting cosily here, - I think of the sunny summertide hours, - When the what-do-you-call-'em warbles clear, - And the breezes blow--likewise the flowers. - - _Once a Week._ - - - A lawyer's brief will be brief, before a freethinker - thinks freely. - - _Guesses at Truth._ - - - Juxtaposition, in fine; and what is juxtaposition? - Look you, we travel along in the railway, carriage or steamer, - And, _pour passer le temps_, till the tedious journey be ended, - Lay aside paper or book, to talk to the girl who is next one; - And, _pour passer le temps_, with the terminus all but in prospect, - Talk of eternal ties and marriages made in heaven. - - _Claude_, in CLOUGH's _Amours de Voyage_. - - - We measure the excellency of other men by some - excellency we conceive to be in ourselves. - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - Oh! spare those Gardens where the leafy glade - Prompts the proposal dalliance delayed; - Where tear-dewed lids, choked utterance, sobs suppressed, - Tear the confession from a doubting breast; - Whence they, who vainly haunted rout and ride, - Emerge triumphant from a suitor's side. - - ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_. - - - They have queer hotels in Oregon. I remember - one where they gave me a bag of oats for a - pillow. I had night mares, of course. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - The man who would Charybdis shun - Must make a cautious movement, - Or else he'll into Scylla run-- - Which would be no improvement. - The fish that left the frying-pan, - On feeling that desire, sir, - Took little by their change of plan, - When floundering in the fire, sir. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - The flattery which is most pleasing to really beautiful - or decidedly ugly women is that which is - addressed to the intellect. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - Johnson's folly--to be candid--was a wild desire to treat - Every able male white citizen he met upon the street; - And there being several thousand--but this subject why pursue? - 'Tis with Perkins, and not Johnson, that to-day we have to do. - - BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. - - - Good little girls ought not to make mouths at - their teachers for every trifling offence. This - kind of retaliation should only be resorted to - under peculiarly aggravating circumstances. - - If you have nothing but a rag-doll stuffed with sawdust, - while one of your more fortunate little playmates - has a costly china one, you should treat her with a show - of kindness nevertheless. And you ought not to attempt - to make a forcible swap with her, unless your conscience - would justify you in it, and you know you are able to - do it. - - If your mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to - reply that you won't. It is better and more becoming - to intimate that you will do as she bids you, and then - afterwards act quietly in the matter according to the - dictates of your better judgment. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - We count mankind, and keep our census still, - We count the stars that populate the night; - But who, with all his computation, can - Con catty nations right? - - R. H. NEWELL, _Orpheus C. Kerr Papers_. - - - I think it was Jekyll who used to say that "the - further he went West, the more convinced he - was that the wise men did come from the East." - - SYDNEY SMITH, _Life and Letters_. - - - Ce qui nous empêche souvent de nous abandonner - à un seul vice est que nous en avons plusieurs. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - I have observed that if people's vanity is pleased, - they live well enough together. Offended vanity - is the great separator. - - _Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_. - - - _ON EDINBURGH._ - - Pompous the boast, and yet a truth it speaks: - A "Modern Athens"--fit for modern Greeks. - - JAMES HANNAY, _Sketches and Characters_. - - - Lord Andover, a very fat man, was greatly - plagued at a fancy bazaar to buy some trifle or - other from the ladies' stalls. At length he rather - rudely said, "I am like the Prodigal Son, persecuted by - ladies." "No, no," retorted Mrs. ----, "say, rather, the - fatted calf." - - B. R. HAYDON, _Diary_. - - - A quiet conscience makes one so serene! - Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded, - That all the Apostles would have done as they did. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - "Were you born in wedlock?" asked a counsel of - a witness. "No, sir, in Devonshire," was the - reply. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - Evanson, in his "Dissonance of the Gospels," - thinks Luke is most worthy of credence. P---- - said that Evanson was a _luke_-warm Christian. - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - _ONE FOR HIM._ - - Reading the paper Laura sat, - "Greenwich _mean_ time, mamma, what's that?" - "My love, it's when your stingy Pa - Won't take us to the Trafalgàr." - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - I was once as desperately in love as you are now. - I adored, and was rejected. "You are in love - with certain attributes," said the lady. "Damn - your attributes, madam," said I; "I know nothing of - attributes." "Sir," she said, with dignity, "you have - been drinking." So we parted. She was married afterwards - to another, who knew something about attributes, - I suppose. I have seen her once, and only once. She - had a baby in a yellow gown. I hate a baby in a yellow - gown! - - _Berkley_, in LONGFELLOW's _Hyperion_. - - - A man has generally the good or ill qualities which - he attributes to mankind. - - SHENSTONE, _Essays_. - - - How doth the little crocodile - Improve his shining tail, - And pour the waters of the Nile - On every shining scale! - - How cheerfully he seems to grin, - How neatly spreads his claws, - And welcomes little fishes in - With gently smiling jaws! - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - _Apropos_ of cutlets, I once called upon an old - lady, who pressed me so urgently to stay and - dine with her that, as I had no engagement, I - could not refuse. On sitting down, the servant uncovered - a dish which contained two mutton chops; and - my old friend said, "Mr. Hook, you see your dinner." - "Thank you, ma'am," said I; "but where is yours?" - - THEODORE HOOK, _apud_ PLANCHÉ. - - - In all distresses of our friends, - We first consult our private ends; - While nature, kindly bent to ease us, - Points out some circumstance to please us. - - SWIFT, _Verses on his own Death_. - - - On ne donne rien si libéralement que ses conseils. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions._ - - - _A NUTSHELL NOVEL._ - - FOR A MINIATURE MUDIE. - - VOL. I. - - A winning wile, - A sunny smile, - A feather: - A tiny talk, - A pleasant walk, - Together! - - VOL. II. - - A little doubt, - A playful pout, - Capricious: - A merry miss, - A stolen kiss, - Delicious!! - - VOL. III. - - You ask mamma, - Consult papa, - With pleasure: - And both repent - This rash event, - At leisure!!! - - J. ASHBY STERRY, _Boudoir Ballads_. - - - Woman consoles us, it is true, while we are young - and handsome! When we are old and ugly, - woman snubs and scolds us. - - LORD LYTTON, _What will he do with it?_ - - - La société est composée de deux grandes classes: - ceux qui ont plus de dîners que d'appétit, et - ceux qui ont plus d'appétit que de dîners. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - Has she wedded some gigantic shrimper, - That sweet mite with whom I loved to play? - Is she girt with babes that whine and whimper, - That bright being who was always gay? - - Yes--she has at least a dozen wee things! - Yes--I see her darning corduroys, - Scouring floors, and setting out the tea-things, - For a howling herd of hungry boys. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - "You may report to your Government that the - British youth of the present day, hot from the - University, are very often prigs." - - "Most certainly I will," said Mr. Wog; "the last - word, however, is one with which I am not acquainted." - - "It is an old English term for profound thinker," I - replied. - - L. OLIPHANT, _Piccadilly_. - - - Woman takes the lead in all the departments, - leaving us politics only. While we are being - amused by the ballot, woman is quietly taking - things into her own hands. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - Would it were wind and wave alone! - The terrors of the torrid zone, - The indiscriminate cyclone, - A man might parry; - But only faith, or "triple brass," - Can help the "outward-bound" to pass - Safe through that eastward-faring class - Who sail to marry. - - For him fond mothers, stout and fair, - Ascend the tortuous cabin stair - Only to hold around his chair - Insidious sessions; - For him the eyes of daughters droop - Across the plate of handed soup, - Suggesting seats upon the poop, - And soft confessions. - - AUSTIN DOBSON, _Vignettes in Rhyme_. - - - It's poor work allays settin' the dead above the - livin'. It 'ud be better if folks 'ud make much - of us beforehand, isted o' beginnin' when we're - gone. - - _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - The authoress of the "Wild Irish Girl," Lady - Morgan, justly proud of her gifted sister Olivia, - was in the habit of addressing every new-comer - with, "I must make you acquainted with my Livy." She - once used this form of words to a gentleman who had - just been worsted in an encounter of wits with the lady - in question. "Yes, ma'am," was the reply; "I happen - to know your _Livy_, and I would to Heaven your _Livy_ - was _Tacitus_." - - LORD ALBEMARLE, _Fifty Years of my Life._ - - - "Rise with the lark, and with the lark to bed," - Observes some solemn, sentimental owl; - Maxims like these are very cheaply said; - But e'er you make yourself a fool or fowl, - Pray just inquire about his rise and fall, - And whether larks have any bed at all! - - The "time for honest folks to be in bed" - Is in the morning, if I reason right; - And he who cannot keep his precious head - Upon its pillow till it's fairly light, - And so enjoy his forty morning winks, - Is up to knavery; or else--he drinks! - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems._ - - - _A Popular Man._--One who is so boldly vulgar - that the timidly vulgar admire him. - - ANNE EVANS, _Poems and Music._ - - - We can't for a certainty tell - What mirth may molest us on Monday; - But, at least, to begin the week well, - Let us all be unhappy on Sunday. - - These gardens, their walks and green bowers, - Might be free to the poor man for one day; - But no, the glad plants and gay flowers - Mustn't bloom or smell sweetly on Sunday. - - Abroad we forbid folks to roam - For fear they get social or frisky; - But of course they can sit still at home, - And get dismally drunk upon whiskey. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - La haine des faibles n'est pas si dangereuse que - leur amitié. - - VAUVENARGUES, _Réflexions_. - - - To Matthew Arnold we must go to put us in the right, sir, - About his elevating scheme of "sweetness" and of "light," sir, - Which some folks say will one fine day achieve a marked ascendancy, - Though "Providence" it waters down into a "stream of tendency." - - F. D., in _Pall Mall Gazette_. - - - Chambermaids use up more hair-oil than any - six men. If charged with purloining the same, - they lie about it. What do they care about a - hereafter? Absolutely nothing. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - When sorely tempted to purloin - Your _pietà_ of Marc Antoine, - Fair virtue doth fair play enjoin, - Fair Virtuoso! - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - No man can be wise on an empty stomach. - - _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - All tragedies are finished by a death, - All comedies are ended by a marriage; - The future states of both are left to faith, - For authors fear description might disparage - The worlds to come of both, or fall beneath. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - The Bailli de Ferrette was always dressed in knee-breeches, - with a cocked hat and sword, the - slender proportions of which greatly resembled - those of his legs. "Do tell me, my dear Bailli," said - Montrond one day, "have you got three legs or three - swords?" - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - A Mexican lady's hair never curls--it's as straight - as an Indian's. Some people's hair won't curl - under any circumstances. My hair won't curl - under two shillings. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - I've read the poets of our land, - Who sing of beauty and of love, - Who rave about a dimpled hand, - And write sweet sonnets on a glove. - But sweeter far than maiden's kiss, - And fairer far than Jouvin's best, - Is one red-labelled quart, I wis, - With Bass's well-known mark imprest. - - And years may come, and years may go, - And fortune change as fortune will, - But may my Burton fountain flow, - In shade and sunshine clearly still, - And till life's night is closing grey, - My heart shall ever hold most dear - The liquor that I sing to-day-- - My childhood's friend! my Bass's beer! - - H. SAVILE CLARKE. - - - Women are much more like each other than men; - they have, in truth, but two passions: vanity and - love: these are their universal characteristics. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - "After all, are not women necessary to your - happiness?" - - "Alas!" sighed Maximilian, "it is but too - true. But women have unfortunately only one way of - making us happy, whilst they have thirty thousand - different modes of rendering us miserable." - - HEINRICH HEINE, _The Florentine Nights_. - - - I love you! ay! it seems absurd, - Altho' to prove it I was sedulous; - The _ink_ is _black_ that writes the word, - Yet you will read it all _inc-red_-ulous. - Where was my sense, once so acute, - To dream myself a hopeful suitor? - I should have been much more _astute_; - I came to you, you know, _as tutor_! - My passion on an instant grew-- - (Spontaneous love is scarce a crime!). - How swift those early minutes flew! - And, _odd_ to say, 'twas _even_-time! - Maddened with love, I penned a note, - And placed it where 'twould catch your sight; - Alas for me! but when I _wrote_, - Of course I thought that I _did right_! - - ROBERT REECE, in _Comic Poets_. - - - The most dreadful thing against women is the - character of the men that praise them. - - LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. - - - There's one Thomas Buckle, a London youth, - Who taught that the world was blind - Till he was born to proclaim the truth, - That matter is moulder of mind; - But I really can't fancy at all - How wheat, rice, and barley, - Made Dick, Tom, and Charlie - So tidy and trim, - Without help from Him - Who was preached both by Plato and Paul. - - J. S. BLACKIE, _Musa Burschicosa_. - - - Sheridan's answer to Lord Lauderdale was excellent, - on the latter saying he would repeat - some good thing I had mentioned to him: - "Pray don't, my dear Lauderdale; a joke in your mouth - is no laughing matter." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - Do you know why the rabbits are caught in the snare, - Or the tabby cat's shot on the tiles? - Why the tigers and lions creep out of their lair? - Why an ostrich will travel for miles? - Do you know why a sane man will whimper and cry, - And weep o'er a ribbon or glove? - Why a cook will put sugar for salt in a pie? - Do you know? Well, I'll tell you--it's Love. - - _Flapper_, in H. P. STEPHENS's _Billee Taylor_. - - - I remember Curran once--in an action for - breach of promise of marriage, in which he was - counsel for the defendant, a young clergyman--thus - appealing to the jury: "Gentlemen, I entreat of - you not to ruin this young man by a vindictive verdict, - for though he has talents, and is in the Church, he may - rise!" - - PHILLIPS, _Life of Curran_. - - - There are female women, and there are male - women. - - CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. - - - I own fair faces not more fair - In Ettrick than in Portman Square, - And silly danglers just as silly - In Sherwood, as in Piccadilly. - - W. M. PRAED. - - - I heard an anecdote at Oxford, of a porter encountering - on his rounds two undergraduates, - who were without their gowns, or out of bounds, - or out of hours. He challenged one: "Your name and - college?" They were given. Turning to the other: "And - pray, sir, what might your name be?" "Julius Cæsar," - was the reply. "What, sir, do you mean to say your - name is Julius Cæsar?" "Sir, you did not ask me what - it is, but what it _might_ be." - - W. H. HARRISON, _Reminiscences_. - - - I always can tell a - Preoccupied man by his tumbled umbrella. - - _Lady Matilda_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Ladies in Parliament_. - - - Talking of Doctor [Parr's] illegible manuscript, - "Ay," said [Basil Montagu], "his letters are - illegible, except they contain a commission or an - announcement that he is coming to see you, and then no - man can write plainer." - - MISS MITFORD, _Life and Letters_. - - - I never nursed a dear gazelle; - But I was given a parroquet-- - (How I did nurse him if unwell!) - He's imbecile, but lingers yet. - He's green, with an enchanting tuft; - He melts me with his small black eye; - He'd look inimitable stuff'd, - And knows it--but he will not die! - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - Some reformer was clamouring for the expulsion - of the Bishops from the House of Lords, but - said he would not have them all go; he would - leave two. "To keep up the breed, I suppose," said - Alvanley. - - CHARLES GREVILLE, _Diary_. - - - You women regard men just as you buy books--you - never care about what is in them, but how - they are bound and lettered. - - _Damas_, in LORD LYTTON's _Lady of Lyons_. - - - _EPITAPH ON LORD L----._ - - Here lies L.'s body, from his soul asunder: - He once was on the turf, and now is _under_. - - SCROPE DAVIES, _apud_ MOORE. - - - _A SUITABLE BRIDE._ - - My friend Admiral E. E., shortly after his return - from a cruise, met an old acquaintance in the - streets of ----, who said, after the usual salutations - had passed, "They telt me, Admiral, that ye had - got married." The Admiral, hoping for a compliment, - replied, "Why, Bailie, I am getting on; I'm not so young - as I was, you see, and none of the girls will have me." - On which the Bailie, with perfect good faith and simplicity, - replied, "'Deed, Admiral, I was na evenin' yer to - a lassie, but there's mony a fine, respeckit, _half-worn_ - wumman wad be glad to tak ye." - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. - - - _ON THE WORKS OF THE LAKE POETS._ - - They come from the Lakes--an appropriate quarter - For poems diluted with plenty of water. - - REV. HENRY TOWNSHEND. - - - And I whispered, "I guess - The sweet secret thou keepest, - And the dainty distress - That thou wistfully weepest; - And the question is, 'Licence or banns?' though undoubtedly - banns are the cheapest." - - Then her white hand I clasped, - And with kisses I crowned it. - But she glared and she gasped, - And she muttered, "Confound it!" - Or at least it was something like that, but the noise of - the omnibus drowned it. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Phantasmagoria_. - - - It was Lady Cork who had originated the idea that, - after all, heaven would perhaps turn out very - dull to her _when she got there; sitting on damp - clouds_, and _singing "God save the King,"_ being her idea - of the principal amusements there. - - FANNY KEMBLE, _Record of a Girlhood_. - - - _ON FEMININE TALKATIVENESS._ - - How wisely Nature, ordering all below, - Forbade a beard on woman's chin to grow! - For how could she be shaved, whate'er the skill, - Whose tongue would never let her chin be still? - - ANON. - - - When Tennyson entered the Oxford Theatre to - receive his honorary degree of D.C.L., his locks - hanging in admired disorder on his shoulders, - dishevelled and unkempt, a voice from the gallery was - heard crying out to him, "Did your mother call you - early, dear?" - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - "Ha! ha!" he said, "you loathe your ways, - You writhe at these my words of warning, - In agony your hands you raise!" - (And so they did, for they were yawning.) - - "Ho! ho!" he cries, "you bow your crests-- - My eloquence has set you weeping; - In shame you bend upon your breasts!" - (And so they did, for they were sleeping.) - - W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_. - - - You may safely flatter any woman, from her understanding - down to the exquisite taste of her fan. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - _ON LADIES' ACCOMPLISHMENTS._ - - Your dressing, dancing, gadding, where's the good in? - Sweet lady, tell me--can you make a pudding? - - _Epigrams in Distich._ - - - Lord Braxfield, at whist, exclaimed to a lady - with whom he was playing, "What are ye doing, - ye damned auld ----?" and then, recollecting - himself, "Your pardon's begged, madam; I took ye for - my ain wife." - - LORD MACAULAY, _Life_. - - - Then life was thornless to our ken, - And, Bramble-Rise, thy hills were then - A rise without a bramble. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - John Hamilton Reynolds was specially - distinguished for the aptness of his quotations. - Finding him one day lunching at the Garrick, - I asked him if the beef he was eating was good. "It - would have been," he answered, "if damned custom had - not _brazed_ it so." - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - While spending an evening at [Mendelssohn's] - house, a note, with a ticket enclosed, was put in - my hands. The note ran thus: "The Directors - of the Leipzig Concerts beg leave to present to Mr. - _Shurely_ a ticket of the concert of to-morrow." Whereupon - Mendelssohn ran to the pianoforte, and immediately - began to play the subject from the chorus of the "Messiah," - "_Surely_ he hath borne," etc. - - H. F. CHORLEY, _Life_. - - - Fhairshon had a son, - Who married Noah's daughter, - And nearly spoilt ta flood, - By trinking up ta water: - Which he would have done, - I at least believe it, - Had ta mixture peen - Only half Glenlivet. - - _Bon Gaultier Ballads._ - - - After the execution of the eighteen malefactors - [in 1787], a female was bawling an account of - them, but called them nineteen. A gentleman - said to her, "Why do you say nineteen? There were - but eighteen hanged." She replied, "Sir, I did not know - you had been reprieved." - - HORACE WALPOLE, _Correspondence_. - - - _ON THE MARRIAGE OF JOB WALL AND MARY BEST._ - - Job, wanting a partner, thought he'd be blest, - If, of all womankind, he selected the Best; - For, said he, of all evils that compass the globe, - A bad wife would most try the patience of Job. - The Best, then, he chose, and made bone of his bone, - Though 'twas clear to his friends she'd be Best left alone; - For, though Best of her sex, she's the weakest of all, - If it's true that the weakest must go to the Wall. - - HICKS, _apud_ J. C. YOUNG. - - - La vertu des femmes est peut-être une question du - tempérament. - - BALZAC, _Physiologie du Mariage_. - - - _ON ONE STEALING A POUND OF CANDLES._ - - Light-fingered Catch, to keep his hands in ure, - Stole anything,--of this you may be sure, - That he thinks all his own that once he handles,-- - For practice' sake did steal a pound of candles; - Was taken in the act:--oh, foolish wight! - To steal such things as needs must come to light! - - _A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727). - - - At Hook's, one day the conversation turned on the - Duke of Cumberland, and a question asked who - he married. "Don't you know?" said Cannon; - "the Princess de _Psalms_ (Salms),--good enough for - _Hymn_ (him)." - - W. JERDAN, _Memoirs_. - - - For me, I neither know nor care - Whether a parson ought to wear - A black dress or a white dress; - Fill'd with a trouble of my own-- - A wife who preaches in her gown, - And lectures in her night-dress! - - THOMAS HOOD. - - - Madame de ---- having said, in her intense - style, "I should like to be married in _English_, - in a language in which vows are so faithfully - kept," some one asked Frere, "What language, I wonder, - was _she_ married in?" "_Broken_ English, I suppose," answered - Frere. - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - Your magpies and stock-doves may flirt among trees, - And chatter their transports in groves, if they please; - But a house is much more to my taste than a tree, - And for groves, O! a good grove of chimneys for me. - - CHARLES MORRIS, _Lyra Urbanica_. - - - Again they asked me to marry them, and again I - declined, when they cried,--"Oh, cruel man! - This is too much--too much!" I told them - that it was on account of the muchness that I declined. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - On one of the country gentlemen saying in Parliament, - "We must return to the food of our ancestors," - somebody asked, "What food does he - mean?" "Thistles, I suppose," said Tierney. - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - Maidens then were innocent, - Blushing at a compliment, - Or a gaze. - But a blush a vanish'd grace is, - For young ladies paint their faces - Now-a-days, - - Black their eyelids till they stare, - Wash with soda, till their hair - Looks like maize; - 'Tis the fashion to be blonde - _À la mode du demi-monde_ - Now-a-days. - - J. JEMMETT BROWNE, _Songs of Many Seasons_. - - - [Lady Charlotte Lindsay] said she had - "sprained her ankle so often, and been told - that it was worse than breaking her leg, that - she said she had come to look upon a broken leg as a - positive advantage." - - LORD HOUGHTON, _Monographs_. - - - Blows are sarcasms turned stupid. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Felix Holt_. - - - They grieved for those who perished with the cutter, - And also for the biscuit-casks and butter. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - Social arrangements are awful miscarriages; - Cause of all crime is our system of marriages. - Poets with sonnets, and lovers with trysts, - Kindle the ire of the Positivists. - - Husbands and wives should be all one community: - Exquisite freedom with absolute unity. - Wedding-rings worse are than manacled wrists-- - Such is the creed of the Positivists. - - MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_. - - - Fox, whose pecuniary embarrassments were universally - recognized, being attacked by a severe - indisposition, which confined him to his apartment, - Dudley frequently visited him. In the course of - conversation, Fox, alluding to his complaints, remarked - that he was compelled to observe much regularity in his - diet and hours; adding, "I live by rule, like clockwork." - "Yes," replied Dudley; "I suppose you mean you go - by _tick, tick, tick_." - - SIR NATHANIEL WRAXALL, _Memoirs_. - - - _PROBATUM EST._ - - One loss has a companion always. _Semper_, - When people lose their train, they lose their temper. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - Working by the hour tends to make one moral. - A plumber working by the job, trying to unscrew - a rusty, refractory nut, in a cramped position, where - the tongs continually slipped off, would swear; but I - never heard one of them swear, or exhibit the least - impatience at such a vexation, working by the hour. - Nothing can move a man who is paid by the hour. How - sweet the flight of time seems to his calm mind! - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - It greets me in my festal hours, - It brings my gloom relief; - It sprinkles life with loveliest flowers - And plucks the sting from grief. - I'd smile at poverty and pain; - I'd welcome death with glee-- - If to the last I might retain - My own--my upper G! - - H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_. - - - "Milton Perkins," said the Siren, "not thy wealth do I admire, - But the intellect that flashes from those eyes of opal fire; - And methinks the name thou bearest cannot surely be misplaced; - And--embrace me, Mister Perkins!" Milton Perkins her embraced. - - BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. - - - Truth-vendors and medicine-vendors usually - recommend swallowing. When a man sees his - livelihood in a pill or a proposition, he likes to - have orders for the dose, and not curious inquiries. - - _Felix Holt_, in GEORGE ELIOT's novel. - - - Stuart Mill on Mind and Matter - All our old Beliefs would scatter: - Stuart Mill exerts his skill - To make an end of Mind and Matter. - - But had I skill, like Stuart Mill, - His own position I could shatter: - The weight of Mill I count as Nil-- - If Mill has neither Mind nor Matter. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - "And how many hours a day did you do lessons?" - said Alice. - "Ten hours the first day," said the Mock - Turtle; "nine the next, and so on." - "What a curious plan!" exclaimed Alice. - "That's the reason they're called lessons," the Gryphon - remarked "because they lessen from day to day." - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - Quiconque n'a pas de caractère n'est pas un - homme: c'est une chose. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - It's hard work to tell which is Old Harry when - everybody's got boots on. - - _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - I want you to come and pass sentence - On two or three books with a plot; - Of course you know "Janet's Repentance"? - I'm reading Sir _Waverley_ Scott, - The story of Edgar and Lucy, - How thrilling, romantic, and true! - The Master (his bride was a _goosey_!) - Reminds me of you. - - They tell me Cockayne has been crowning - A poet whose garland endures: - It was you who first spouted me Browning-- - That stupid old Browning of yours! - His vogue and his verve are alarming; - I'm anxious to give him his due, - But, Fred, he's not nearly so charming - A poet as you! - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Joseph Gillon was a Writer to the Signet. Calling - on him one day in his writing office, Sir Walter - Scott said, "Why, Joseph, this place is as hot as - an oven." "Well," quoth Gillon, "and isn't it here that - I make my bread?" - - LOCKHART, _Life of Scott_. - - - Forever! 'tis a single word! - Our rude forefathers deem'd it two; - Can you imagine so absurd - A view? - Forever! what abysms of woe - The word reveals, what frenzy, what - Despair! For ever (printed so) - Did not. - And nevermore must printer do - As men did longago; but run - "For" into "ever," bidding two - Be one. - Forever! passion-fraught, it throws - O'er the dim page a gloom, a glamour: - It's sweet, it's strange, and I suppose - It's grammar. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - Walking down St. James's Street, Lord Chelmsford - was accosted by a stranger, who exclaimed, - "Mr. Birch, I believe?" "If you believe that, - sir, you'll believe anything," replied the ex-chancellor, as - he passed on. - - BERKELEY, _Life and Recollections_. - - - You snared me, Rose, with ribbons, - Your rose-mouth made me thrall. - Brief--briefer far than Gibbon's, - Was my "Decline and Fall." - - AUSTIN DOBSON, _Vignettes in Rhyme_. - - - The reason we dislike vanity in others is because - it is perpetually hurting our own. - - LORD LYTTON's _Pelham_. - - - Then nymphs had bluer eyes than hose, - England then measured men by blows, - And measured time by candles. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - A woman's choice usually means taking the only - man she can get. - - _Mrs. Cadwallader_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Middlemarch_. - - - To charm the girls he never spoke-- - Although his voice was fine; - He found the most convenient way - Was just to drop a line. - - And many a gudgeon of the pond, - If they could speak to-day, - Would own, with grief, this angler had - A mighty "taking" way. - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. - - - I am always afraid of a fool: one cannot be sure - that he is not a knave as well. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - The people is much given to stoning its prophets - that it may worship their reliques with the greater - fervency: dogs that bark at us to-day lick our - bones to-morrow with true canine fidelity. - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Ludwig Beorne_. - - - Money makes a man laugh. A blind fiddler - playing to a company, and playing but scurvily, - the company laughed at him. His boy that led - him, perceiving it, cried, "Father, let us begone; they - do nothing but laugh at you." "Hold peace, boy," said - the fiddler; "we shall have their money presently, and - then we will laugh at them." - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - In candent ire the solar splendour flames; - The foles, languescent, pend from arid rames; - His humid front the cive, anheling, wipes, - And dreams of erring on ventiferous ripes. - - How dulce to vive occult from mortal eyes, - Dorm on the herb with none to supervise, - Carp the suave berries from the crescent vine, - And bibe the flow from longicaudate kine! - - Me wretched! Let me curr to quercine shades! - Effund your albid hausts, lactiferous maids! - Oh, might I vole to some umbrageous clump,-- - Depart--be off--exude--evade--erump! - - OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. - - - He slaps me gently on the back. He's stopped too - long in the wine-cellar. A little tasting is a - dangerous thing. - - F. C. BURNAND, _Happy Thoughts_. - - - _THE MAIDENS._ - - Lovers, we pray you, gaining our consents, - Let us, too, have _our_ mediæval bents; - Give us, for cricket matches, tournaments. - - - _THE WIDOWERS._ - - We are stout, nor will uncomfortably truss - Our arms and legs, like fowls; no jousts for us; - In armour we should look ridiculous. - - - _THE FATHERS._ - - Of money, tournaments would cost a heap; - Humour your sweethearts, sons, with something cheap; - But look to settlements before you leap. - - _Once a Week._ - - - He [Samuel Beazley] suffered considerably a short - time before his decease, and, his usual spirits - occasionally forsaking him, he one day wrote - so melancholy a letter that the friend to whom it was - addressed, observed, in his reply, that it was "like the - first chapter of Jeremiah." "You are mistaken, my - dear fellow," retorted the wit; "it is the last chapter of - Samuel." - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - No one can perceive, as I'm a sinner, - A very marked improvement in the dinner. - We still consume, with mingled shame and grief, - Veal that is tottering on the verge of beef, - Veal void of stuffing, widowed of its ham, - Or the roast shoulder of an ancient ram. - - _Decius Mus_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Horace at Athens_. - - - "As for that," said Waldershare, "sensible men are - all of the same religion." - "And pray what is that?" inquired the - prince. - "Sensible men never tell." - - LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Endymion_. - - - _ON AN OLD LOVE._ - - Upon the cabin stairs we met, the voyage nearly over; - You leant upon his arm, my pet, from Calais unto Dover! - And _he_ is looking very glad, tho' I am feeling sadder, - That _I'm_ not your companion-lad on that companion-ladder! - - J. ASHBY STERRY, in _English Epigrams_. - - - It strikes me that one mother-in-law is about - enough to have in a family--unless you're very - fond of excitement. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - "Come here, my boy, hould up your head, - And look like a jintleman, sir; - Jist tell me who King Jonah was; - Now tell me, if you can, sir." - "King Jonah was the strongest man - That ever wore a crown, sir; - For though the whale did swallow him, - It couldn't keep him down, sir." - - "You're right, my boy, hould up your head, - And look like a jintleman, sir; - Just tell me who that Moses was; - Now tell me, if you can, sir." - "Shure Moses was the Christian name - Of good King Pharaoh's daughter; - She was a milkmaid, and she took - A _profit_ from the water." - - J. A. SIDEY, _Mistura Curiosa_. - - - A little incident Charlotte Cushman once related - to me. She said a man in the gallery of - a theatre made such a disturbance that the play - could not proceed. Cries of "Throw him over" arose - from all parts of the house, and the noise became furious. - All was tumultuous above until a sweet and gentle female - voice was heard in the pit, exclaiming, "No! I pray - you, don't throw him over! I beg of you, dear friends, - don't throw him over, but--_kill him where he is_." - - J. T. FIELDS, _Yesterdays with Authors_. - - - With all his conscience and one eye askew, - So false, he partly took himself for true; - Whose pious talk, when most his heart was dry, - Made wet the crafty crowsfoot round his eye; - Who, never naming God except for gain, - So never took that useful name in vain; - Made Him his catspaw and the Cross his tool, - And Christ the bait to trap his dupe and fool; - Nor deeds of gift, but deeds of grace he forged, - And snake-like slimed his victim ere he gorged; - And oft at Bible meetings, o'er the rest - Arising, did his holy oily best, - Dropping the too rough H in Hell and Heaven, - To spread the Word by which himself had thriven. - - ALFRED TENNYSON, _Sea Dreams_. - - - Please the eyes and the ears, they will introduce - you to the heart, and, nine times in ten, - the heart governs the understanding. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - The cup with trembling hands he grasps, - Close to his thirsty lips he clasps, - Ringed with its pewter rim--he gasps. - - The eddying floor beneath him crawls, - He clutches at the flying walls, - Then like a lump of lead he falls. - - _The Shotover Papers._ - - - On fait souvent du bien pour pouvoir impunément - faire du mal. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - There's a joy without canker or cark, - There's a pleasure eternally new, - 'Tis to gloat on the glaze and the mark - Of china that's ancient and blue; - Unchipp'd all the centuries through - It has pass'd, since the chime of it rang, - And they fashion'd it, figure and hue, - In the reign of the Emperor Hwang. - - ANDREW LANG, _Ballades in Blue China_. - - - Ceremony.--All that is considered necessary by - many in religion and friendship. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - Rogues meet their due when out they fall, - And each the other blames, sir, - The pot should not the kettle call - Opprobrious sorts of names, sir. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - I have nothing to say again' Craig, on'y it is a - pity he couldna be hatched o'er again, an' - hatched different. - - _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - Let us have wine and women, mirth and laughter, - Sermons and soda-water the day after. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - [Dr. Busby] was once invited, during a residence at - Deal, by an old Westminster--who, from being - a very idle, well-flogged boy, had, after a course - of distinguished service, been named to the command - of a fine frigate in the Downs--to visit him on board - his ship. The doctor accepted the invitation; and, - after he had got up the ship's side, the captain piped all - hands for punishment, and said to the astonished doctor, - "You d--d old scoundrel, I am delighted to have the - opportunity of paying you off at last. Here, boatswain, - give him three dozen." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - _GOOD AND BAD LUCK._ - - Good Luck is the gayest of all gay girls; - Long in one place she will not stay: - Back from your brow she strokes the curls, - Kisses you quick and flies away. - - But Madame Bad Luck soberly comes - And stays--no fancy has she for flitting-- - Snatches of true-love songs she hums, - And sits by your bed, and brings her knitting. - - JOHN HAY, _Poems_. - - - I wish nine-tenths of the pictures that have been - painted had never been preserved; it is such a - nuisance having to go and see them. - - _Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_. - - - Victor Hugo is an Egoist, or, to use a stronger - term, he is a Hugoist. - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Musical Notes from Paris_. - - - _ON WOMEN AS UNIONISTS._ - - Among the men, what dire divisions rise-- - For "Union" one, "No Union" t'other cries. - Shame on the sex that such dispute began-- - Ladies are all for union--to a man! - - ANON. - - - Si c'est un crime de l'aimer, - On n'en doit justement blâmer - Que les beautés qui sont en elle; - La faute en est au dieux - Qui la firent si belle, - Et non pas à mes yeux. - - JEAN DE LINGENDES. - - - "Was not ---- very disagreeable?" "Why, he was - as disagreeable as the occasion would permit," - Luttrell said. - - SYDNEY SMITH, _Life and Letters_. - - - "I believe that nothing in the newspapers is - ever true," said Madame Phoebus. - - "And that is why they are so popular," - added Euphrosyne; "the taste of the age being so - decidedly for fiction." - - LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Lothair_. - - - He that would shine, and petrify his tutor, - Should drink draught Allsopp in its "native pewter." - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_. - - - Lauk, sir! Love's all in the fancy. One does - not eat it, nor drink it: and as for the rest--why, - it's a bother. - - _Corporal Bunting_, in LYTTON's _Eugene Aram_. - - - "Mr. O----'s affairs turn out so sadly that he - cannot have the pleasure of waiting upon his - lordship at his agreeable house on Monday - next.--N.B. His wife is dead." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - Why, the Scotch tunes are just like a scolding, - nagging woman. They go on with the same - thing over and over again, and never come to a - reasonable end. Anybody 'ud think the Scotch tunes - had always been asking a question of somebody as deaf - as old Taft, and had never got an answer yet. - - _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - _SOUL OF LADY._ - - Tell me, in this night of snow, - Of happy Almack's, or the Row! - Say in what carriages what fair - Consume the ice in Berkeley Square; - Or who in shops, with doubtful eye, - Explore the silks they never buy; - And how the hair is dressed in town, - And what the shape of boot and gown? - - - _WINDBAG._ - - Snow-mantled shadow, would you know - The fashions of the world below? - Still the coiled chignon starward towers, - Still false back-hair falls down in showers; - But now all subtle souls revert - To the abbreviated skirt, - Whose velvet _paniers_ just denote - The gown, that else were petticoat. - Nor is such _naïve_ attire enough: - Elizabeth's archaic ruff - Rings every neck; besides, they rival, - With a High-Gothic-Hat-Revival, - Old Mother Hubbard, and renew - Arcadianly the buckled shoe, - To show, what's just a trifle shocking, - The dimple of a snowy stocking. - - W. J. COURTHOPE, _The Paradise of Birds_. - - - Be virtuous, and you will be eccentric. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - _DON'T WE?_ - - We're informed that, in Happy Japan, - Folks are free to believe what they can; - But if they come teaching, - And preaching and screeching, - They go off to gaol in a van. - Don't you wish _this_ was Happy Japan? - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - I hope I appreciate the value of children. We - should soon come to nothing without them. - Without them the common school would languish. - But the problem is, what to do with them in a - garden. For they are not good to eat, and there is a law - against making away with them. The law is not very - well enforced, it is true; for people do thin them out - with constant dosing, paregoric, and soothing-syrups, and - scanty clothing. But I, for one, feel it would not be - right, aside from the law, to take the life, even of the - smallest child, for the sake of a little fruit, more or less, - in the garden. I may be wrong; but these are my sentiments, - and I am not ashamed of them. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - _ON DR. TRAPP'S TRANSLATION OF VIRGIL._ - - Mind but thy preaching, Trapp; translate no further: - Is it not written, "Thou shall do no murder"? - - _The Poetical Farrago_ (1794). - - - Shortly before his death, being visited by a - clergyman whose features as well as language - were more lugubrious than consoling, Hood - looked up at him compassionately, and said, "My dear - sir! I'm afraid your religion doesn't agree with you." - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - _ON GRAPES AND GRIPES._ - - In Spain, that land of monks and apes, - The thing called wine doth come from grapes; - But, on the noble river Rhine, - The thing called gripes doth come from wine. - - S. T. COLERIDGE, _apud_ J. C. YOUNG. - - - Of Diggle, Barham used to tell many absurd stories. - The most amusing of his practical jokes was one - in which Barham had a share. The two boys - having, in the course of one of their walks, discovered a - Quakers' meeting-house, forthwith procured a penny tart - of a neighbouring pastry-cook; furnished with this, - Diggle marched boldly into the building, and, holding up - the delicacy in the midst of the grave assembly, said with - perfect solemnity, "Whoever speaks first shall have this - pie." "Friend, go thy way," commenced a drab-coloured - gentleman, rising, "go thy way, and----" "The pie's - yours, sir!" exclaimed Master Diggle, politely, and - placing it before the astounded speaker, hastily effected - his escape. - - R. H. D. BARHAM, _Life of Barham_. - - - Talking of some poor relations who had been - recipients of his bounty for years, Compton - said, "Yes, sir, the whole tribe of them leaned - on me for years;" and then added, in his own peculiar - manner, "Forty years long was I grieved with this generation." - - _Memoir of Henry Compton._ - - - _THE ORANGE._ - - It ripen'd by the river banks, - Where, mask and moonlight aiding, - Dons Blas and Juan play their pranks, - Dark Donnas serenading. - - By Moorish damsel it was pluck'd, - Beneath the golden day there; - By swain 'twas then in London suck'd-- - Who flung the peel away there. - - He could not know in Pimlico, - As little she in Seville, - That _I_ should reel upon that peel, - And--wish them at the devil. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Kenny said that Anthony Pasquin (who was a - very dirty fellow) "died of a cold caught by - washing his face." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - _ON THE PRINCE REGENT'S ILLNESS._ - - The Regent, sir, is taken ill; - And all depends on Halford's skill; - "Pray what," inquired the sage physician, - "Has brought him to this sad condition?" - When Bloomfield ventured to pronounce, - "A little too much Cherry Bounce," - The Regent, hearing what was said, - Raised from his couch his aching head, - And cried, "No, Halford, 'tis not so! - _Cure us, O_ doctor,--_Curaçoa!_" - - H. LUTTRELL, _apud_ BARHAM. - - - Brigham Young has two hundred wives. He - loves not wisely, but two hundred well. He's - dreadfully married. He's the most married man - I ever saw in my life. He says that all he wants now is - to live in peace for the remainder of his days, and have - his dying pillow soothed by the loving hands of his - family. Well, that's all right, I suppose; but if all his - family soothe his dying pillow, he'll have to go out-doors - to die. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - And I said, "What is written, sweet sister, - At the opposite end of the room?" - She sobbed, as she answered, "All liquors - Must be paid for ere leaving the room." - - BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. - - - Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not - tell them so. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - The Walrus and the Carpenter - Were walking close at hand; - They wept like anything to see - Such quantities of sand: - "If this were only cleared away," - They said, "It _would_ be grand!" - - "If seven maids, with seven mops, - Swept it for half a year, - Do you suppose," the Walrus said, - "That they could get it clear?" - "I doubt it;" said the Carpenter, - And shed a bitter tear. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Through the Looking-Glass_. - - - We easily convert our own vices into other people's - virtues, the virtues of others into vices. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - You'd better keep clear of love-letters, - Or write them with caution and care; - In faith, they may fasten your fetters, - If wearing a conjugal air. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - Against stupidity the gods themselves combat in - vain. - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Art Notes from Paris_. - - - _ON LOVE AND MARRIAGE._ - - 'Tis highly rational, we can't dispute, - That Love, being naked, should promote a suit; - But doth not oddity to him attach - Whose fire's so oft extinguished by a match? - - R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_. - - - Lord Shelburne could say the most provoking - things, and yet appear unconscious of - their being so. In one of his speeches, alluding - to Lord Carlisle, he said, "The noble lord has written - a comedy." "No, a tragedy." "Oh, I beg pardon, I - thought it was a comedy." - - ROGERS, _Table Talk_. - - - There's nought, no doubt, so much the spirit calms - As rum and true religion. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - She never speaks to any one, which is of course a - great advantage to any one. - - LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. - - - I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty - made 'em to match the men. - - _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - "You didn't know I drew? I learnt at school." - "Perhaps you only learnt to draw your sword?" - "Why, that I can, of course--and also corks-- - And covers--haw! haw! haw! But what I mean, - Fortification--haw!--in Indian ink, - That sort of thing--and though I draw it mild, - Yet that--haw! haw!--that may be called my _forte_." - "Oh fie! for shame! where do you think you'll go - For making such a heap of foolish puns?" - "Why, to the Punjaub, I should think--haw! haw! - That sort of job, you know, would suit me best." - - C. J. CAYLEY, _Las Alforgas_. - - - Tout le monde se plaint de sa mémoire, et - personne ne se plaint de son jugement. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - _ON THE HOUSE OF COMMONS_. - - When lately Pym descended into Hell, - Ere he the cups of Lethè did carouse, - What place that was, he callèd loud to tell; - To whom a Devil--"This is the Lower House." - - WILLIAM DRUMMOND (1585-1649). - - - The working-man is a noble creature--when he is - quite sober. - - _Alexis_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Sorcerer_. - - - _DEFENDANT'S SONG._ - - When first my old, old love I knew, - My bosom swelled with joy; - My riches at her feet I threw,-- - I was a love-sick boy! - No terms seemed too extravagant - Upon her to employ-- - I used to mope, and sigh, and pant, - Just like a love-sick boy! - - But joy incessant palls the sense, - And love, unchanged, will cloy, - And she became a bore intense - Unto her love-sick boy! - With fitful glimmer burnt my flame, - And I grew cold and coy, - At last, one morning, I became - Another's love-sick boy! - - W. S. GILBERT, _Trial by Jury_. - - - Dining one day where the host became exceedingly - excited and angry at not being able to - find any stuffing in a roasted leg of pork, Poole - quietly suggested, "Perhaps it is in the other leg?" - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - In 1848, Feargus O'Connor was charged in the - House with being a republican. He denied it, - and said he did not care whether the Queen or - the Devil was on the throne. Peel replied: "When the - honourable gentleman sees the sovereign of his choice on - the throne of these realms, I hope he'll enjoy, and I'm - sure he'll deserve, the confidence of the Crown." - - ABRAHAM HAYWARD, _Essays_. - - - I loiter down by thorp and town; - For any job I'm willing; - Take here and there a dusty brown, - And here and there a shilling. - - I deal in every ware in turn, - I've rings for buddin' Sally, - That sparkle like those eyes of her'n; - I've liquor for the valet. - - The things I've done 'neath moon and stars - Have got me into messes; - I've seen the sky through prison bars, - I've torn up prison dresses. - - But out again I come, and show - My face, nor care a stiver; - For trades are brisk and trades are slow, - But mine goes on for ever. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - They may talk of the devotion of the sex, but the - most faithful attachment in life is that of a - woman in love--with herself. - - _Damas_, in LORD LYTTON's _Lady of Lyons_. - - - They may talk as they please about what they call pelf, - And how one ought never to think of one's self, - And how pleasures of thought surpass eating and drinking-- - My pleasure of thought is the pleasure of thinking - How pleasant it is to have money, heigh ho! - How pleasant it is to have money! - - _Spirit_, in A. H. CLOUGH's _Dipsychus_. - - - Women are generally consistent in their insincerity, - if in nothing else. - - ANNA C. STEELE. - - - La plus perdue de toutes les journées est celle où - l'on n'a pas ri. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - Oh, how can a modest young man - E'er hope for the smallest progression-- - The profession's already so full - Of lawyers so full of profession? - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. - - - I was speaking [to Charles Lamb] of my first brief, - when he asked, "Did you not exclaim-- - 'Thou great first cause, least understood'?" - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - Eye-glass--a toy which enables a coxcomb to - see others, and others to see that he is a - coxcomb. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - Some brag of telegraphs and rails, - Coals, steam, and gas, and a' that, - But rattling mails and cotton bales - Ne'er made a man for a' that; - For a' that, and a' that, - Their figures, facts, and a' that, - The first of facts is Thought, and what - High Thought begets, for a' that! - - J. S. BLACKIE, _Musa Burschicosa_. - - - Virginia city--the wild young metropolis of the - new Silver State. Fortunes are made there in - a day. There are instances on record of young - men going to this place without a shilling--poor and - friendless--yet by energy, intelligence, and a careful - disregard to business, they have been enabled to leave - there, owing hundreds of pounds. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - Nothing is accounted so proper in England as - property. - - _Guesses at Truth._ - - - As the husband is, the wife is,--he is stomach-plagued and old; - And his curry soups will make thy cheek the colour of his gold. - - When his feeble love is sated, he will hold thee surely then - Something lower than his hookah,--something less than his cayenne. - - What is this? His eyes are pinky. Was't the claret? Oh, no, no-- - Bless your soul! it was the salmon--salmon always makes him so. - - _Bon Gaultier Ballads._ - - - A clergyman had commenced an able discourse, - when one of the hearers exclaimed, - "That's Tillotson!" This was allowed to pass; - but very soon another exclamation followed, "That's - Paley." The preacher then addressed the disturber: "I - tell you, sir, if there is to be a repetition of such conduct, - I shall call on the churchwarden to have you removed - from the church." "That's your own," was the ready - reply. - - MARK BOYD, _Reminiscences_. - - - College mostly makes people like bladders--just - good for nothing but t' hold the stuff as is poured - into 'em. - - _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - Werther had a love for Charlotte - Such as words could never utter; - Would you know how first he met her? - She was cutting bread and butter. - - So he sighed and pined and ogled, - And his passion boiled and bubbled, - Till he blew his silly brains out, - And no more was by it troubled. - - Charlotte, having seen his body - Borne before her on a shutter, - Like a well-conducted person, - Went on cutting bread and butter. - - W. M. THACKERAY. - - - Perhaps the best illustration I can give of - [Bagehot's] more sardonic humour, was his - remark to a friend who had a church on the - grounds near his house:--"Ah, you've got the church - in the grounds! I like that. It's well the tenants - shouldn't be _quite_ sure that the landlord's power stops - with this world." - - R. H. HUTTON, _Memoir of W. Bagehot_. - - - _ON WIVES._ - - All wives are bad,--yet two blest hours they give, - When first they wed, and when they cease to live. - - PALLADAS, trans. by J. H. MERIVALE. - - - "Yes, my dear curate," said the Professor, "what - I am enjoying is the champagne that you - drink, and what you are enjoying is the champagne - that I drink. This is altruism; this is benevolence; - this is the sublime outcome of enlightened - modern thought. The pleasures of the table, in themselves, - are low and beastly ones; but if we each of us - are only glad because the others are enjoying them, they - become holy and glorious beyond description." - - "They do," cried the curate rapturously, "indeed they - do. I will drink another bottle for your sake." - - W. H. MALLOCK, _The New Paul and Virginia_. - - - Some d--d people have come in, and I must stop. - By d--d, I mean deuced. - - LAMB to WORDSWORTH. - - - Ours is so far-advanced an age! - Sensation-tales, a classic stage, - Commodious villas! - We boast high art, an Albert Hall, - Australian meats, and men who call - Their sires gorillas! - - AUSTIN DOBSON, _Vignettes in Rhyme_. - - - It being asked at Paris whom they would have as - godfather for Rothschild's baby--"Talleyrand," - said a Frenchman. "Pourquoi, monsieur?" - "Parcequ'il est le moins chrétien possible." - - B. R. HAYDON, _Diary_. - - - Before the blast are driven the flying clouds-- - (And I should like to blow a cloud as well,) - The vapours wrap the mountain-tops in shrouds-- - (I left my mild cheroots at the hotel.) - Dotting the glassy surface of the stream, - (Oh, here's a cigarette--my mind's at ease.) - The boats move silently, as in a dream-- - (Confound it! where on earth are my fusees?) - - H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_. - - - Emile de Girardin, the famous political writer, a - natural son of Alexandre de Girardin, becoming - celebrated, Montrond said to his father, - "Dépêchez-vous de le reconnaître, ou bientôt il ne - vous reconnaîtra pas." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - Marriage from love, like vinegar from wine-- - A sad, sour, sober beverage,--by time - Is sharpen'd from its high celestial flavour, - Down to a very homely household savour. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - Lettuce is like conversation; it must be fresh, - and crisp, so sparkling that you scarcely notice - the bitter in it. Lettuce, like conversation, - requires a good deal of oil, to avoid friction, and - keep the company smooth; a pinch of attic salt; a - dash of pepper; a quantity of mustard and vinegar, by - all means, but so mixed that you will notice no sharp - contrasts; and a trifle of sugar. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - _MARTIAL IN LONDON._ - - Exquisite wine and comestibles - From Slater, and Fortnum and Mason; - Billiards, écarté, and chess-tables; - Water in vast marble basin; - Luminous books (not voluminous) - To read under beech-trees cacuminous; - One friend, who is fond of a distich, - And doesn't get too syllogistic; - A valet who knows the complete art - Of service--a maiden, his sweetheart;-- - Give me these, in some rural pavilion, - And I'll envy no Rothschild his million. - - MORTIMER COLLINS, in _The Owl_. - - - He was much too disliked not to be sought after. - Whatever is once notorious, even for being - disagreeable, is sure to be coveted. - - LORD LYTTON's _Pelham_. - - - _TO GIBBS, CONCERNING HIS POEMS._ - - You ask me if I think your poems good; - If I could praise your poems, Gibbs,--I would. - - EGERTON WEBBE, _apud_ LEIGH HUNT. - - - What I admire in the order to which you belong - [the aristocracy], is that they do live in the air, - that they excel in athletic sports; that they can - only speak one language; and that they never read. - This is not a complete education, but it is the highest - education since the Greek. - - _Phoebus_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Lothair_. - - - _RELIABLE._ - - (A MILD PROTEST.) - - Shut up a party who uses "Reliable" - When he means "Trustworthy;" 'tis undeniable - That his excuses are flimsy and friable, - And his conceptions of grammar most pliable. - No doubt he'd pronounce this line's last word "enviable:" - Invent, for bad fish (which he'd sell) the word "criable," - Say that his faded silk hat might be dyeable, - And accent French vilely--allude to _le diable_. - If his name's William, 'twould be most enj'yable - To see Mr. Calcraft preparing to tie a Bill. - Now let Punch hope he has stamped out "Reliable." - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - "I see," said my clerical neighbour, addressing - myself, "you stick to port." "Yes," I said, - "and so am safe from being half-seas over." - - W. H. HARRISON, _Reminiscences_. - - - All tradesmen cry up their own wares: - In this they agree well together: - The Mason by stone and lime swears; - The Tanner is always for leather; - The Smith still for iron would go; - The Schoolmaster stands up for teaching; - And the Parson would have you to know - There's nothing on earth like his preaching. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - Matrimony--the high sea for which no compass - has yet been invented. - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Musical Notes from Paris_. - - - O daughters! make your markets while you can, - For bloom soon groweth as the water wan; - The early bird picks up the marrying man. - - _Once a Week._ - - - He was the most even-tempered man I ever knew: - he was always cross. - - MRS. JENKINS, _Within an Ace_. - - - I have a horse--a ryghte good horse-- - Ne doe I envie those - Who scour ye plaine in headie course, - Tyll soddaine on theyre nose - They lyghte wyth unexpected force-- - It ys--a horse of clothes. - - I have a saddel--"Sayst thou soe? - With styrruppes, knyghte, to boote?" - I sayde not that--I answere "Noe,"-- - Yt lacketh such, I woot-- - It ys a mutton-saddel, loe! - Parte of ye fleecie brute. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Phantasmagoria_. - - - Story of Lord Middleton, out hunting, calling to - Gunter the confectioner to "Hold hard," and - not ride over the hounds. "My horse is so hot, - my Lord, that I don't know what to do with him." "Ice - him, Gunter, ice him." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - She's rising now, and taking off her bonnet, - And probably will end by sitting on it; - For oft, as sad experiences teach, - The novice, trembling from his maiden speech, - Drops flustered in his place, and crushes flat - His innocent and all-unconscious hat. - - _2nd Lady_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Ladies in Parliament_. - - - _ON A LEFT-HANDED WRITING-MASTER._ - - Though Nature thee of thy right hand bereft, - Right well thou writest with the hand that's left. - - FRANCIS FULLER, _apud_ NICHOLLS. - - - We are never so much disposed to quarrel with - others, as when we are dissatisfied with ourselves. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - The cockney, met in Middlesex, or Surrey, - Is often cold, and always in a hurry. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Speaking one day of a newly risen sect of religionists - who proscribed the use of animal food, - the Archbishop [Whately] said to Dr. Wilson, - "Do you know anything, Wilson, of this new sect?" - "Yes, my Lord; I have seen their confession of faith, - which is a book of cookery." - - E. J. WHATELY's _Life of Whately_. - - - And I do think the amateur cornopean - Should be put down by law--but that's perhaps Utopian. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_. - - - Le premier soupir de l'amour est le dernier de la - sagesse. - - CHARRON, _La Sagesse_. - - - For he himself has said it, - And it's greatly to his credit, - That he is an Englishman! - For he might have been a Roosian, - A French, or Turk, or Proosian, - Or perhaps Italian! - But in spite of all temptations - To belong to other nations, - He remains an Englishman! - - W. S. GILBERT, _H.M.S. Pinafore_. - - - Baron Alderson being asked by the chaplain - of the High Sheriff at the assizes over which he - was to preside, how long he would like him to - preach, replied, "About half an hour, with a leaning to - mercy." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - _ON EVENING DRESS._ - - When dress'd for the evening, girls, nowadays, - Scarce an atom of dress on them leave; - Nor blame them--for what is an Evening Dress, - But a dress that is suited to Eve? - - ANON. - - - It's the silliest lie a sensible man like you ever - believed, to say a woman makes a house comfortable. - It's a story got up, because the women - are there, and something must be found for 'em to do. - I tell you there isn't a thing under the sun that needs to - be done at all, but what a man can do better than a - woman, unless it's bearing children, and they do that in - a poor make-shift way. It had better ha' been left to - the men. - - _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - To sniggle or to dibble, that's the question! - Whether to bait a hook with worm or bumble, - Or to take up arms of any sea, some trouble - To fish, and then home send 'em. To fly--to whip-- - To moor and tie my boat up by the end - To any wooden post, or natural rock - We may be near to, on a Preservation - Devoutly to be fished. To fly--to whip-- - To whip! perchance two bream;--and there's the chub! - - F. C. BURNAND, _Happy Thoughts_. - - - Anecdote of Phil Stone, the property-man of - Drury Lane:--"Will you be so good, sir, as to - stand a little backer?" said Phil to a gentleman - behind the scenes, who had placed himself so forward as - to be seen by the audience. "No, my fine fellow," returned - the exquisite, who quite mistook his meaning; - "but here is a pinch of snuff at your service." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - At a friend's house Charles Lamb was presented - with a cheese; it was a very ripe, not to say a - lively cheese, and, as Lamb was leaving, his - friend offered him a piece of paper in which to wrap it, - so that he might convey it more conveniently. "Thank - you," said Charles, "but would not several yards of - twine be better, and then, you know, I could _lead_ it - home?" - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. - - - "A loaf of bread," the Walrus said, - "Is what we chiefly need; - Pepper and vinegar besides - Are very good indeed-- - Now, if you're ready, Oysters dear, - We can begin to feed." - - "But not on us," the Oysters cried, - Turning a little blue. - "After such kindness, that would be - A dismal thing to do!" - "The night is fine," the Walrus said; - "Do you admire the view?" - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Through the Looking-Glass_. - - - Religion is like the fashion. One man wears - his doublet slashed, another laced, another plain; - but every man has a doublet: so every man has - his religion. We differ about the trimming. - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - Romances paint at full length people's wooings, - But only give a bust of marriages; - For no one cares for matrimonial cooings, - There's nothing wrong in a connubial kiss. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - A young lady decorously brought up should only - have two considerations in her choice of a - husband: first, is his birth honourable? secondly, - will his death be advantageous? All other trifling details - should be left to parental anxiety. - - _Madame Deschappelles_, in LORD LYTTON's _Lady of Lyons_. - - - "The doctor's as drunk as the d----," we said, - And we managed a shutter to borrow; - We rais'd him, and sigh'd at the thought that his head - Would consumedly ache on the morrow. - - We bore him home and we put him to bed, - And we told his wife and his daughter - To give him next morning a couple of red- - Herrings with soda-water. - - Slowly and sadly we all walked down - From his room in the uppermost story; - A rush-light we placed on the cold hearth-stone, - And left him alone in his glory. - - R. H. BARHAM, _Ingoldsby Lyrics_. - - - Benjamin Franklin was always proud of - telling how he entered Philadelphia, for the first - time, with nothing in the world but two shillings - in his pocket and four rolls of bread under his arm. But - really, when you come to examine it critically, it was - nothing. Anybody could have done it. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - I've thought very often 'twould be a good thing - In all public collections of books, if a wing - Were set off by itself, like the seas from the dry lands, - Marked "_Literature suited to desolate islands_",14113 - And filled with such books as could never be read - Save by readers of proofs, forced to do it for bread,-- - Such books as one's wrecked on in small country taverns, - Such as hermits might mortify over in caverns, - Such as Satan, if printing had then been invented, - As a climax of woe, would to Jove have presented, - Such as Crusoe might dip in, although there are few so - Outrageously cornered by fate as poor Crusoe. - - J. R. LOWELL, _A Fable for Critics_. - - - _Bellmour._ Ah! courtship to marriage is but - as the music in the play-house till the curtain's - drawn; but that once up, then opens the scene - of pleasure. - _Belinda._ Oh, foh--no; rather, courtship to marriage - is a very witty prologue to a very dull play. - - CONGREVE, _The Old Bachelor_. - - - _ON HEARING A LADY PRAISE A CERTAIN - REV. DOCTOR'S EYES._ - - I cannot praise the Doctor's eyes; - I never saw his glance divine; - He always shuts them when he prays, - And when he preaches he shuts mine. - - G. OUTRAM, _Lyrics: Legal, etc._ - - - This picture is a great work of art. It is an oil - painting--done in petroleum. It is by the Old - Masters. It was the last thing they did before - dying. They did this and then they expired. - - Some of the greatest artists in London come here - every morning before daylight with lanterns to look at it. - They say they never saw anything like it before--and - they hope they never shall again. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - _THE WORLD._ - - The world is like a rink, you know: - You lose your _wheel_, and come to woe! - - J. ASHBY STERRY, in _English Epigrams_. - - - Men will sooner forgive an injury than an insult. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - Why is it that stupid people are always so much - more anxious to talk to one, than clever people? - - CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. - - - And Darwin, too, who leads the throng "in vulgum voces spargere," - Maintains Humanity is nought except a big menagerie, - The progeny of tailless apes, sharp-eared but puggy-nosed, sir, - Who nightly climbed their "family trees," and on the top reposed, sir. - - There's Carlyle, on the other hand, whose first and last concern it is - To preach up the "immensities" and muse on the "eternities"; - But if one credits what one hears, the gist of all his brag is, sir, - That "Erbwürst," rightly understood, is transcendental haggis, sir. - - F. D., in _Pall Mall Gazette_. - - - _DUNSFORD._ Travelling is a great trial of people's - inability to live together. - _Ellesmere._ Yes. Lavater says that you do - not know a man until you have divided an inheritance - with him; but I think a long journey with him will do. - - ARTHUR HELPS, _Friends in Council_. - - _ON AN ALDERMAN._ - - That he was born it cannot be denied; - He ate, drank, slept, talk'd politics, and died. - - JOHN CUNNINGHAM (1729-1773). - - - At a large dinner party at Jerdan's, one of the - guests indulged in some wonderful accounts of - his shooting. The number of birds he had - killed, and the distances at which he had brought them - down, were extraordinary. Hood quietly remarked,-- - "What he hit is history, - What he missed is mystery." - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - I'm very fond of water: - It ever must delight - Each mother's son or daughter-- - When qualified aright. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - An epicure, while eating oysters, swallowed one that - was not fresh. "Zounds, waiter!" he ejaculated, - making a wry face; "what sort of an oyster do - you call this?" "A native, sir," replied the wielder of the - knife. "A native!--I call it a _settler_, so you need not - open any more." - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - Once Uncle went astray, - Smoked, joked, and swore away-- - Sworn by he's now, by a - Large congregation. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - You've heard what a lady in Italy did-- - How to vex a cross husband she buried a "kid!" - Sam swears she'd have managed things better by half - If, instead of the "kid," she had buried the calf! - - R. H. BARHAM, _Ingoldsby Lyrics_. - - - Il est plus facile de légaliser certaines choses que - de les légitimer. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - Wilt thou love me, fairest? - Though thou art not fair, - And I think thou wearest - Some one else's hair. - Thou couldst love, though, dearly: - And, as I am told, - Thou art very nearly - Worth thy weight, in gold. - - Dost thou love, sweet one? - Tell me if thou dost! - Women fairly beat one, - But I think thou must. - Thou art loved so dearly: - I am plain, but then - Thou (to speak sincerely) - Art as plain again. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - "Certainly, my Lord," said the attendant. - "He knows me," thought Lothair; but it - was not so. When the British nation is at - once grateful and enthusiastic, they always call you "my - Lord." - - LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Lothair_. - - - _THE RECOGNITION._ - - Home they brought her sailor son, - Grown a man across the sea, - Tall and broad and black of beard, - And hoarse of voice as man may be. - - Hand to shake and mouth to kiss, - Both he offered ere he spoke; - And she said--"What man is this - Comes to play a sorry joke?" - - Then they praised him--call'd him "smart," - "Tightest lad that ever stept;" - But her son she did not know, - And she neither smiled nor wept. - - Rose, a nurse of ninety years, - Set a pigeon-pie in sight; - She saw him eat--"'Tis he! 'tis he!" - She knew him--by his appetite! - - WILLAM SAWYER. - - - Lord Allen, being rather the worse for drinking - too much wine at dinner, teased Count D'Orsay, - and said some very disagreeable things, which - irritated him; when suddenly John Bush entered the - club and shook hands with the Count, who exclaimed, - "Voilà, la différence entre une bonne _bouche_ et une mauvaise - _haleine_." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - _ANOTHER WAY._ - - When lovely woman, Lump of Folly, - Would show the world her vainest trait; - Would treat herself as child her dolly, - And warn each man of sense away; - The surest method she'll discover - To prompt a wink from every eye, - Degrade a spouse, disgust a lover, - And spoil a scalp-skin, is--to dye. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - The bean is a graceful, confiding, engaging vine; - but you can never put beans into poetry, nor - into the highest sort of prose. Corn is the child - of song. It waves in all literature. But mix it with - beans, and its high tone is gone. The bean is a vulgar - vegetable, without culture, or any flavour of high society - among vegetables. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - Then Abner Dean of Angel's raised a point of order, when - A church of old red sandstone took him in the abdomen, - And he smiled a kind of sickly smile, and curled up on the floor, - And the subsequent proceedings interested him no more. - - BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. - - - "I was born, Signora, on New Year's Night, - 1800." "Did I not tell you," said the Marquis, - "that he is one of the first men of our century?" - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Travel Pictures_. - - - When dinner has opprest one, - I think it is perhaps the gloomiest hour - Which turns up out of the sad twenty-four. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - As a boy, George Washington gave no promise of - the greatness he was one day to achieve. He - was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments - of youth. He could not even lie. But then he - never had any of those precious advantages which are - within the reach of the humblest of the boys of the - present day. Any boy can lie now. I could lie before - I could stand. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - By the way, Shakespeare endorses polygamy. He - speaks of the Merry Wives of Windsor. How - many wives did Mr. Windsor have? - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - I dare say she's like the rest o' the women-- - thinks two and two'll come to make five, if she - cries and bothers enough about it. - - _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - Don't you see a hint of marriage - In his sober-sided face, - In his rather careless carriage - And extremely rapid pace? - - If he's not committed treason, - Or some wicked action done, - Can you see the faintest reason - Why a bachelor should run? - - Why should he be in a flurry? - But a loving wife to greet, - Is a circumstance to hurry - The most dignified of feet! - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. - - - Mr. Luttrell once said to me, "Sir, the man - who says he does not like a good dinner, is - either a fool or a liar." - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - _TO PHOEBE._ - - "Gentle, modest little flower, - Sweet epitome of May, - Love me but for half an hour, - Love me, love me, little fay." - Sentences so swiftly flaming - In your tiny shell-like ear, - I should always be exclaiming - If I loved you, Phoebe dear: - - "Smiles that thrill from any distance - Shed upon me while I sing! - Please ecstaticize existence, - Love me, oh thou, fairy thing!" - Words like these outpouring sadly - You'd perpetually hear, - If I loved you fondly, madly;-- - But I do not, Phoebe dear. - - W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_. - - - On one occasion, when Power the actor was - present, Hood was asked to propose his health. - After enumerating the various talents that popular - comedian possessed, he requested the company to - observe that such a combination was a remarkable - illustration of the old proverb, "It never rains but it - _powers_." - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - I dreamed that somebody was dead. It was a - private gentleman, and a particular friend; and - I was greatly overcome when the news was - broken to me (very delicately) by a gentleman in a - cocked hat, top boots, and a sheet. Nothing else. - "Good God!" I said, "is he dead?" "He is as dead, - sir," rejoined the gentleman, "as a door nail. But we - must all die, Mr. Dickens, sooner or later, my dear sir." - "Ah!" I said; "yes, to be sure. Very true. But - what did he die of?" The gentleman burst into a flood - of tears, and said, in a voice broken by emotion, "He - christened his youngest child, sir, with a toasting fork!" - - CHARLES DICKENS, _apud_ J. T. FIELDS. - - - I suppose all phrases of mere compliment have - their turn to be true. A man is occasionally - thankful when he says "thank you." - - _Stephen Guest_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Mill on the Floss_. - - - _ON ATALANTA._ - - When the young Greek for Atalanta sigh'd, - He might have fool'd and follow'd till he died! - He learn'd the sex, the bribe before her roll'd, - And found, the short way to the heart, is--Gold. - - GEORGE CROLY (1780-1860). - - - _De mortuis nil nisi bene_: of the living speak nothing - but evil. - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Thoughts and Fancies_. - - - I once met a man who had forgiven an injury. - I hope some day to meet the man who has forgiven - an insult. - - CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. - - - Walk in the Park--you'll seldom fail - To find a Sybaris on the rail - By Lydia's ponies, - Or hap on Barrus, wigged, and stayed, - Ogling some unsuspecting maid. - - The great Gargilius, then, behold! - His "long-bow" hunting tales of old - Are now but duller; - Fair Neobule too! Is not - One Hebrus here--from Aldershot? - Aha, you colour! - Be wise. There old Canidia sits; - No doubt she's tearing you to bits. - - Here's Pyrrha, "golden-haired" at will; - Prig Damasippus, preaching still; - Asterie flirting,-- - Radiant, of course. We'll make her black,-- - Ask her when Gyges' ship comes back. - - AUSTIN DOBSON, _Vignettes in Rhyme_. - - - La reconnaissance de la plupart des hommes n'est - qu'une secrète envie de recevoir de plus grands - bienfaits. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - The surest way to make ourselves agreeable to - others is by seeming to think them so. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - _SELF-EVIDENT._ - - When other lips and other eyes - Their tales of love shall tell, - Which means the usual sort of lies - You've heard from many a swell; - When, bored with what you feel is bosh, - You'd give the world to see - A friend whose love you know will wash, - Oh, then remember me! - - When Signor Solo goes his tours, - And Captain Craft's at Ryde, - And Lord Fitzpop is on the moors, - And Lord knows who beside; - When to exist you feel a task - Without a friend at tea, - At such a moment I but ask - That you'll remember me. - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. - - - When a man is called stingy, it is as much as calling - him rich; and when a man's called rich, why - he's a man universally respected. - - _Sir John Vesey_, in LORD LYTTON's _Money_. - - - Cursed be the Bank of England notes, that tempt the soul to sin! - Cursed be the want of acres,--doubly cursed the want of tin! - - Cursed be the marriage-contract, that enslaved thy soul to greed! - Cursed be the sallow lawyer, that prepared and drew the deed! - - Cursed be his foul apprentice, who the loathsome fees did earn! - Cursed be the clerk and parson--cursed be the whole concern! - - _Bon Gaultier Ballads._ - - - Never hold anybody by the button, or the hand, - in order to be heard out; for, if people are not - willing to hear you, you had much better hold - your tongue than them. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - I have learned to love Lucy, though faded she be; - If my next love be lovely, the better for me; - By the end of next summer, I'll give you my oath, - It was best, after all, to have flirted with both. - - CHARLES GODFREY LELAND. - - - General Ornano, observing a certain nobleman--who, - by some misfortune in his youth, - lost the use of his legs--in a Bath chair, which - he wheeled about, and inquiring the name of the - English peer, D'Orsay answered, "Père la Chaise." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - Poet-professor! Now my brain thou kindlest: - I am become a most determined Tyndallist. - If it is known a fellow can make skies, - Why not make bright blue eyes? - - This to deny the folly of a dunce it is: - Surely a girl as easy as a sunset is? - If you can make a halo or eclipse, - Why not two laughing lips? - - Why should an author scribble rhymes or articles? - Bring me a dozen tiny Tyndall-particles: - Therefrom I'll coin a dinner, Nash's wine, - And a nice girl to dine. - - MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_. - - - They now speak of the peculiar difficulties and - restrictions of the Episcopal Office. I only - read in Scripture of two inhibitions--boxing and - polygamy. - - SYDNEY SMITH, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. - - - _ON AN OFFERING MADE BY KING JAMES I. AT - A GRAVE COMEDY CALLED "THE MARRIAGE - OF ARTS."_ - - At Christ Church "Marriage," play'd before the King, - Lest these learn'd mates should want an offering, - The King himself did offer--what, I pray? - He offer'd, once or twice--to go away. - - _A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727). - - - ---- has only two ideas, and they are his legs, and - they are spindle-shanked. - - LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. - - - Dry as Compton's fun, - Dry as author's pocket; - Bright as that loved one - Whose face adorns my locket; - At the beaker's brim - Beading brittle bubbles, - Sea in which to swim, - And cast away all troubles; - Sea where sorrow sinks, - Ne'er to rise again--oh, - Blessedest of drinks, - Welcome, "Pommery Gréno!" - - EDMUND YATES. - - - _ON CLOSE-FIST'S SUBSCRIPTION._ - - The charity of Close-Fist, give to fame:-- - He has at last subscrib'd--how much?--his name. - - ANON. - - - The late Bishop of Exeter and Baron Alderson - were sitting next each other at a public dinner. - After the usual toasts had been drunk, the - health of "The Navy" was proposed. Lord Campbell, - expecting to have to return thanks for "The Bar," - and not having heard the toast distinctly, got up. On - which the late bishop whispered to Baron Alderson, - "What is Campbell about? What is he returning thanks - for the Navy for?" "Oh," answered the witty judge, - "he has made a mistake. He thinks the word is - spelt with a K." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - Song-birds darted about, some inky - As coal, some snowy (I ween) as curds; - Or rosy as pinks, or as roses pinky-- - They reck of no eerie To-come, these birds! - - But they skim over bents which the mill-stream washes, - Or hang in the lift 'neath a white cloud's hem; - They need no parasols, no goloshes; - And good Mrs. Trimmer she feedeth them. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - The man who's fond precociously of stirring - Must be a spoon. - - THOMAS HOOD. - - - _ON ONE PETER AND HIS WIFE._ - - Outrageous hourly with his wife was Peter; - Some do aver he has been known to beat her. - "She seems unhappy," said a friend one day; - Peter turn'd sharply: "What is that you say? - Her temper you have there misunderstood: - She dares not be unhappy if she would." - - WALTER SAVAGE LANDOR. - - - A man who puts a non-natural strained sense on a - promise is no better than a robber. - - _Rev. A. Debarry_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Felix Holt_. - - - _DISTICH._ - - What is a first love worth except to prepare for a second? - What does the second love bring? Only regret for the first. - - JOHN HAY, _Poems_. - - - In [Lady Charlotte Lindsay's] later days, when once - complimented on looking very well, she replied, - "I dare say it's true--the bloom of ugliness is - past." - - LORD HOUGHTON, _Monographs_. - - - _IN VIRTUTEM._ - - Virtue we praise, yet practise not her good. - (Athenian-like) we act not what we know. - So many men do talk of Robin Hood - Who never yet shot arrow from his bow. - - THOMAS FREEMAN (_circa_ 1591-1614). - - - Scandal--what one half the world takes a - pleasure in inventing, and the other half in - believing. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - _All's for the best_, indeed - Such is My simple creed; - Still I must go and weed - Hard in my garden. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Where's the use of talking to a woman with - babbies? She's got no conscience--no conscience--it's - all run to milk. - - _Bartle Massey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - Together must we seek - That undiscovered country, from whose bourn - No uncommercial travellers return. - - _Brutus_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Horace at Athens_. - - - The Mormon's religion is singular, and his wives - are plural. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - At morning's call - The small-voiced pug-dog welcomes in the sun, - And flea-bit mongrels, wakening one by one, - Give answer all. - - When evening dim - Draws round us, then the lovely caterwaul, - Tart solo, sour duet, and general squall, - These are our hymn. - - OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. - - - Charles Lamb was sitting next some chattering - woman at dinner. Observing he didn't attend - to her, "You don't seem," said the lady, "to be - at all the better for what I have been saying to you." - "No, ma'am," he answered, "but this gentleman on the - other side of me must, for it all came in at one ear and - went out at the other." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - Forty times over let Michaelmas pass, - Grizzling hair the brain doth clear-- - Then you know a boy is an ass, - Then you know the worth of a lass, - Once you have come to Forty Year. - - W. M. THACKERAY. - - - Men are not troubled to hear a man dispraised, - because they know, though he be naught, - there's worth in others. But women are mightily - troubled to hear any one of them spoken against, as if - the sex itself were guilty of some untrustworthiness. - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - _'TWAS EVER THUS._ - - I never rear'd a young gazelle, - (Because, you see, I never tried); - But, had it known and loved me well, - No doubt the creature would have died. - My rich and aged uncle John - Has known me long and loves me well, - But still persists in living on-- - I would he were a young gazelle. - - I never loved a tree or flower; - But, if I _had_, I beg to say - The blight, the wind, the sun, or shower, - Would soon have wither'd it away. - I've dearly loved my uncle John, - From childhood till the present hour, - And yet he will go living on,-- - I would he were a tree or flower! - - H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_. - - - A domestic woman.--A woman like a - domestic. - - ANNE EVANS, _Poems and Music_. - - - "The time has come," the Walrus said, - "To talk of many things; - Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax-- - Of cabbages--and kings-- - And why the sea is boiling hot-- - And whether pigs have wings." - - "But wait a bit," the Oysters cried, - "Before we have our chat; - For some of us are out of breath, - And all of us are fat!" - "No hurry!" said the Carpenter: - They thanked him much for that. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Through the Looking-Glass_. - - - Ignorance is not so damnable as humbug, but - when it prescribes pills it may happen to do - more harm. - - _Felix Holt_, in GEORGE ELIOT's novel. - - - I push aside the blinding books; - The reverend pages seem to wink; - Each _letter_ like a _dozen_ looks, - Which _doesn't let a_ student think. - Within my ears I hear a "thrum;" - Before my eyes there floats a haze; - And mocking shadows flit and come, - And make my _nights_ a constant _daze_! - - ROBERT REECE, in _Comic Poets_. - - - Orthodoxy is at a low ebb. Only two clergymen - accepted my offer to come and help hoe - my potatoes for the privilege of using my - vegetable total-depravity figure about the snake-grass, - or quash-grass, as some call it; and these two did not - bring hoes. There seems to be a lack of disposition to - hoe among our educated clergy. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - _HOME THEY BROUGHT._ - - Home they brought her lap-dog dead, - Just run over by a fly; - Jeames to Buttons, winking, said, - "Won't there be a row? oh my!" - - Then they called the flyman low, - Said his baseness could be proved, - How she to the Beak should go,-- - Yet she neither spoke nor moved. - - Said her maid (and risked her place) - "In the 'ouse it should have kept, - Flymen drives at such a pace"-- - Still the lady's anger slept. - - Rose her husband, best of dears, - Laid a bracelet on her knee, - Like a playful child she boxed his ears,-- - "Sweet old pet!--let's have some tea!" - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - _ON BLESSED IGNORANCE._ - - He is most happy, sure, that knoweth nought, - Because he knows not that he knoweth not. - - ROBERT HEATH (_circa_ 1585-1607). - - - Alone amid the festive throng - One infant brow is sad! - One cherub face is wet with grief,-- - What ails you, little lad? - - Why still with scarifying sleeve - That woful visage scrub? - Ah, much I fear, my gentle boy, - You don't enjoy your grub. - - Here, on a sympathetic heart, - Your tale of suffering pour. - Come, darling! Tell me all. "_Boo--boo-- - I can't eat any more!_" - - H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Puck on Pegasus_. - - - Never take a sheet-bath--never. Next to meeting - a lady acquaintance who, for reasons best known - to herself, don't see you when she looks at you, - and don't know you when she sees you, it is about the - most uncomfortable thing in the world. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - The critic's lot is passing hard-- - Between ourselves, I think reviewers, - When call'd to truss a crowing bard, - Should not be sparing of the skewers. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - To-morrow the critics will commence. You - know who the critics are? The men who have - failed in literature and art. - - _Phoebus_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Lothair_. - - - That climax of all human ills-- - The inflammation of his weekly bills. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - On n'a guère de défauts qui ne soient plus pardonnables - que les moyens dont on se sert pour les - cacher. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - Meeting a friend one day, when the weather had - taken a most sudden and unaccountable turn - from cold to warmth, the subject was mooted - as usual, and characterized by the gentleman as being - "most extraordinary." "Yes," replied [Compton], "it - is a most unheard of thing; we've jumped from winter - into summer without a spring." - - _Memoir of Henry Compton._ - - - "Pray what is this Permissive Bill, - That some folks rave about? - I can't with all my pains and skill, - Its meaning quite make out?" - O! it's a little simple Bill, - That seeks to pass _incog._, - To _permit_ ME--to _prevent_ YOU-- - From having a glass of grog. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - Quelque mal qu'un homme puisse penser des - femmes, il n'y a pas de femme qui n'en pense - encore plus mal que lui. - - CHAMFORT, _Maximes_. - - - With thy fogs, all so thick and so yellow, - The most approved tint for _ennui_, - Oh, when shall a man see thy fellow, - November, for _felo-de-se_? - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. - - - "Life," continued Mr. Rose, "is a series of - moments and emotions." - "And a series of absurdities, too, very - often," said Dr. Jenkinson. - "Life is a solemn mystery," said Mr. Stocks, severely. - "Life is a damned nuisance," muttered Leslie to himself. - - W. H. MALLOCK, _The New Republic_. - - - The world's an ugly world. Offend - Good people, how they wrangle! - Their manners that they never mend,-- - The characters they mangle! - They eat, and drink, and scheme, and plod,-- - They go to church on Sunday; - And many are afraid of God-- - And more of _Mrs. Grundy_. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - I went away the first, in order to give the men an - opportunity of abusing me; for whenever the - men abuse, the women, to support alike their - coquetry and the conversation, think themselves called - upon to defend. - - _Pelham_, in LORD LYTTON's novel. - - - There's one John Bright, a Manchester man, - Who taught the Tories to rule, - By setting their stamp on his patent plan - For renewing the youth of John Bull; - But I say that it won't do at all. - To seek for salvation - By mere numeration - Of polls would surprise, - If they were to rise, - Not a little both Plato and Paul. - - J. S. BLACKIE, _Musa Burschicosa_. - - - Une femme vertueuse a dans le coeur une fibre du - moins ou de plus que les autres femmes; elle est - stupide ou sublime. - - BALZAC, _Physiologie du Mariage_. - - - _ON SCOTCH WEATHER._ - - Scotland! thy weather's like a modish wife; - Thy winds and rains for ever are at strife; - Like thee the termagants their blustering try, - And, when they can no longer scold, they cry. - - AARON HILL (1685-1750). - - - Went with Lamb to Richman's. Richman produced - one of Chatterton's forgeries. In one - manuscript there were seventeen different kinds - of e's. "Oh," said Lamb, "that must have been written - by one of the-- - 'Mob of gentlemen who write with _ease_.'" - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - _SCIRE TUUM NIHIL FIT._ - - To have a thing is little, if you're not allowed to show it, - And to know a thing is nothing, unless others know you know it. - - LORD NEAVES. - - - You're at an evening party, with - A group of pleasant folks,-- - You venture quietly to crack - The least of little jokes,-- - A lady doesn't catch the point, - And begs you to explain,-- - Alas! for one who drops a jest - And takes it up again! - - You drop a pretty _jeu-de-mot_ - Into a neighbour's ears, - Who likes to give you credit for - The clever things he hears; - And so he hawks your jest about, - The old, authentic one, - Just breaking off the point of it, - And leaving out the pun! - - JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_. - - - [Montrond's] death was a very wretched one. - Left alone to the tender mercies of a well-known - "lorette" of those days, Desirée R----, - as he lay upon his bed, between fits of pain and drowsiness, - he could see his fair friend picking from his shelves - the choicest specimens of his old Sèvres china, or other - articles of _vertu_. Turning to his doctor, he said, with a - gleam of his old fun, "Qu'elle est attachante, cette - femme-là!" - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - We love thee, Ann Maria Smith, - And in thy condescension - We see a future full of joys - Too numerous to mention. - - There's Cupid's arrow in thy glance, - That by thy love's coercion - Has reached our melting heart of hearts, - And asked for one insertion. - - There's music in thy honest tone, - And silver in thy laughter; - And truth--but we will give the full - Particulars hereafter. - - R. H. NEWELL, _Orpheus C. Kerr Papers_. - - - "Of course you know the three reasons which take - men into society in London?" I said, after a - pause. - - "No, I don't. What are they?" - - "Either to find a wife, or to look after one's wife, or - to look after somebody else's." - - L. OLIPHANT, _Piccadilly_. - - - _ON ONE WHO HAD A LARGE NOSE AND SQUINTED._ - - The reason why Doctor Dash squints, I suppose, - Is because his two eyes are afraid of his nose. - - ANON., in MOORE's _Diary_. - - - Never attack whole bodies of any kind. Individuals - forgive sometimes; but bodies and - societies never do. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - _ON THE RIGHTS OF MINORITIES._ - - Sturdy Tom Paine, biographers relate, - Once with his friends engaged in warm debate. - Said they, "Minorities are always right;" - Said he, "The truth is just the opposite." - Finding them stubborn, "Frankly, now," said he, - "In this opinion do ye all agree; - All, every one, without exception?" When - They thus affirmed unanimously, "Then, - Correct," said he, "my sentiment must be, - For I myself am the minority." - - R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_. - - - The Indians on the Overland Route live on route - and herbs. They are an intemperate people. - They drink with impunity, or anybody who - invites them. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - _ON ONE WEARING FALSE HAIR._ - - They say that thou dost tinge (O monstrous lie!) - The hair that thou so raven-black dost buy. - - LUCILIUS, trans. by R. GARNETT. - - - A nation does wisely if not well, in starving her - men of genius. Fatten them, and they are done - for. - - CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. - - - When the enterprising burglar's not a-burgling, - When the cut-throat isn't occupied with crime - He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling, - And listen to the merry village chime. - When the coster's finished jumping on his mother, - He loves to lie a-basking in the sun-- - Oh! take one consideration with another, - The policeman's lot is not a happy one! - - W. S. GILBERT, _Pirates of Penzance_. - - - The young girl said: "The gentleman must be very - rich, for he is very ugly." The public judges in - a similar manner: "The man must be very - learned, for he is very tiresome." - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Thoughts and Fancies_. - - - And he chirped and sang, and skipped about, and - laughed with laughter hearty, - He was so wonderfully active for so very stout - a party. - - And I said, "O gentle pie-man, why so very, very merry? - Is it purity of conscience, or your one-and-seven sherry?" - - W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_. - - - Speculation--a word that sometimes begins - with its second letter. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - He remembers the ball at the Ferry, - And the ride, and the gate, and the vow, - And the rose that you gave him--that very - Same rose he is treasuring now - (Which his blanket he's kicked on his trunk, Miss, - And insists on his legs being free; - And his language to me from his bunk, Miss, - Is frequent and painful and free). - - BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. - - - Nous ne trouvons guère de gens de bons sens que - ceux qui sont de notre avis. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - _FRENCH AND ENGLISH._ - - The French excel us very much in millinery; - They also bear the bell in matters culinary. - The reason's plain: French beauty and French meat - With English cannot of themselves compete. - Thus, an inferior article possessing, - Our neighbours help it by superior dressing; - They dress their dishes, and they dress their dames, - Till Art, almost, can rival Nature's claims. - - LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_. - - - Priority is a poor recommendation in a husband - if he has got no other. - - _Mrs. Cadwallader_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Middlemarch_. - - - If spirits you would lighten - Consult good Doctor Brighton, - And swallow his prescriptions and abide by his decree: - If nerves be weak or shaken - Just try a week with Bacon, - His physic soon is taken-- - At our London-by-the-Sea. - - J. ASHBY STERRY, _Boudoir Ballads_. - - - The then Duke of Cumberland (the foolish Duke, - as he was called) came one night into Foote's - green-room at the Haymarket Theatre. "Well, - Foote," said he, "here I am, ready, as usual, to swallow - your good things." "Upon my soul," replied Foote, - "your Royal Highness must have an excellent digestion, - for you never bring any up again." - - ROGERS, _Table Talk_. - - - There's folks born to property, and there's folks - catch hold on it; and the law's made for them - as catch hold. - - _Tommy Trounsem_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Felix Holt_. - - - Examining one of the Sunday school boys at - Addington, I asked him what a prophet was. - He did not know. "If I were to tell you what - would happen to you this day twelve month, and it should - come to pass, what would you call me then, my little - man?" "A fortune-teller, sir." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Diary_. - - - Some take a lover, some take drams or prayers; - Some play the devil, and then write a novel. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - Being one day at Trinity College, at dinner, - [Donne] was asked to write a motto for the - College snuff-box, which was always circulating - on the dinner-table. "Considering where we are," said - Donne, "there could be nothing better than 'Quicunque - vult.'" - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - Critics tell me, soon - There'll be no singing in a song, - No melody in tune. - But birds will warble in the trees, - Nor for the critics care; - And in the murmur of the breeze - We yet may find some air. - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. - - - Mr. Bentley proposed to establish a periodical - publication, to be called "The Wits' Miscellany." - [James] Smith objected that the title promised - too much. Shortly afterwards the publisher came to - tell him he had profited by the hint, and resolved to call - it "Bentley's Miscellany." "Isn't that going a little too - far the other way?" was the remark. - - ABRAHAM HAYWARD, _Essays_. - - - Break, break, break! - My cups and saucers, O scout; - And I'm glad that my tongue can't utter - The oaths that my soul points out. - - It is well for the china-shop man - Who gets a fresh order each day; - And it's deucedly well for yourself, - Who are in the said china-man's pay. - - And my stately vases go - To your uncle's, I ween, to be cashed; - And it's oh for the light of my broken lamp, - And the tick of my clock that is smashed. - - Break, break, break! - At the foot of my stairs in glee; - But the coin I have spent in glass that is cracked - Will never come back to me. - - _The Shotover Papers._ - - - Croly said very smart things, and with surprising - readiness. I was at his table one day when one - of the guests inquired the name of a pyramidal - dish of barley-sugar. Some one replied, "A pyramid - _à Macédoine_." "For what use?" rejoined the other. - "To give a _Philip_ to the appetite," said Croly. - - W. H. HARRISON, _Reminiscences_. - - - _ON SOME VERSES CALLED TRIFLES._ - - Paul, I have read your book, and though you write ill, - I needs must praise your most judicious title. - - ANON. - - - Mrs. Posh was one of those incomparable wives - who have a proper command of tongue, who - never reply to angry words at the moment, and - who always, with exquisite calm and self-posession, pay - off every angry word by an amiable sting at the right - moment. - - LORD LYTTON, _What will he do with it?_ - - - _TO LADY BROWN._ - - When I was young and _débonnaire_, - The brownest nymph to me was fair; - But now I'm old, and wiser grown, - The fairest nymph to me is Brown. - - GEORGE, LORD LYTTLETON. - - - When last the Queen was about to be confined, - the Prince Consort said to one of his little boys, - "I think it very likely, my dear, that the Queen - will present you with a little brother or sister; which of - the two would you prefer?" The child, pausing--"Well, - I think, if it is all the same to mamma, I should - prefer a pony." - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - Some ladies now make pretty songs, - And some make pretty nurses: - Some men are great at righting wrongs,-- - And some at writing verses. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Follow the light of the old-fashioned Presbyterians - that I've heard sing at Glasgow. The - preacher gives out the Psalm, and then everybody - sings a different tune, as it happens to turn up in - their throats. It's a domineering thing to set a tune - and expect everybody else to follow it. It's a denial of - private judgment. - - _Felix Holt_, in GEORGE ELIOT's novel. - - - _ON A CERTAIN RADICAL._ - - Bloggs rails against high birth. Yes, Bloggs--you see - Your ears are longer than your pedigree. - - JAMES HANNAY, _Sketches and Characters_. - - - I like neighbours, and I like chickens; but I do - not think they ought to be united near a garden. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - Lady, very fair are you, - And your eyes are very blue, - And your hose; - And your brow is like the snow, - And the various things you know - Goodness knows. - - MORTIMER COLLINS, _Ad Chloen, M.A._ - - - The Jacobins, in realizing their systems of fraternization, - always contrived to be the elder - brothers. - - _Guesses at Truth._ - - - Careless rhymer, it is true - That my favourite colour's blue; - But am I - To be made a victim, sir, - If to puddings I prefer - Cambridge [Greek: p]? - - MORTIMER COLLINS, _Chloe, M.A._ - - - Candide - Found life most tolerable after meals. - - LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_. - - - Women, and men who are like women, mind the - binding more than the book. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_. - - - There was gorging Jack and guzzling Jimmy, - And the youngest he was little Billee. - Now when they got as far as the Equator - They'd nothing left but one split pea. - - Says gorging Jack to guzzling Jimmy, - "I am extremely hungaree." - To gorging Jack says guzzling Jimmy, - "We've nothing left, us must eat we." - - Says gorging Jack to guzzling Jimmy, - "With one another we shouldn't agree! - There's little Bill he's young and tender, - We're old and tough, so let's eat he." - - W. M. THACKERAY. - - - "_WHAT AILS HIM AT THE LASSIE?_" - - A friend tells me a funny little story of Mrs. ---- - (the grandmother of Colonel M----), who was - shown a picture of Joseph and Potiphar's wife, - in which of course the patriarch showed his usual desire - to withdraw himself from her society. Mrs. ---- looked - at it for a little while, and then said, "Eh, now, and what - ails him at the lassie?" - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. - - - In his last illness, reduced as he was to a skeleton, - [Hood] noticed a very large mustard poultice - which Mrs. Hood was making for him, and exclaimed, - "O Mary! Mary! that will be a great deal of - mustard to a very little meat!" - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - _THE LATEST DECALOGUE._ - - Thou shalt have one God only: who - Would be at the expense of two? - No graven images may be - Worshipped, except the currency: - Swear not at all; for, for thy curse, - Thine enemy is none the worse: - At church on Sunday to attend - Will serve to keep the world thy friend: - Honour thy parents; that is, all - From whom advancement may befall: - Thou shalt not kill; but needst not strive - Officiously to keep alive: - Do not adultery commit; - Advantage rarely comes of it: - Thou shalt not steal; an empty feat, - When it's so lucrative to cheat: - Bear not false witness; let the lie - Have time on its own wings to fly: - Thou shalt not covet, but tradition - Approves all forms of competition. - - A. H. CLOUGH, _Poems_. - - - Mr. MacCulloch, the eminent political - economist, in dining with us, a few days after - [an aeronautical friend had made an ascent], - was most anxious to learn where he had descended - on this occasion. The answer was, "Amongst the flats - of Essex." "A most appropriate locality," said my - distinguished countryman, "and one which shows how - true it is that 'birds of a feather flock together.'" - - MARK BOYD, _Reminiscences._ - - - He said that I was proud, mother,--that I looked for rank and gold; - He said I did not love him,--he said my words were cold; - He said I kept him off and on, in hopes of higher game,-- - And it may be that I did, mother; but who hasn't done the same? - - You may lay me in my bed, mother,--my head is throbbing sore; - And, mother, prithee, let the sheets be duly aired before; - And if you'd do a kindness to your poor desponding child, - Draw me a pot of beer, mother--and, mother, draw it mild! - - _Bon Gaultier Ballads._ - - - Voltaire was a very good Jesus Christ--for the - French. - - CHARLES LAMB, _apud_ LEIGH HUNT. - - - _ON A THEATRICAL NUISANCE:_ - - Perched in a box which cost her not a _sou_, - Giglina chatters all the evening through, - Fidgets with opera-glass, and flowers, and shawls, - Annoys the actors, irritates the stalls. - Forgive her harmless pride--the cause is plain-- - She wants us all to know she's had champagne. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - O, I know the way o' wives; they set one on - to abuse their husbands, and then they turn - round on one and praise 'em as if they wanted - to sell 'em. - - _Priscilla Lammeter_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Mill on the Floss_. - - - "And hast thou slain the Jabberwock? - Come to my arms, my beamish boy! - O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!" - He chortled in his joy. - - 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves - Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; - All mimsy were the borogroves, - And the mome raths outgrabe. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Through the Looking-Glass_. - - - Mrs. Wordsworth and a lady were walking - once in a wood where the stock-dove was - cooing. A farmer's wife coming by, said, "Oh, - I do like stock-doves!" Mrs. Wordsworth, in all her - enthusiasm for Wordsworth's beautiful address to the - stock-dove, took the old woman to her heart. "But," - continued the old woman, "some like 'em in a pie; for - my part there's nothing like 'em stewed in onions!" - - B. R. HAYDON, _Diary_. - - - _TO AN AUTHOR._ - - In spite of hints, in spite of looks, - Titus, I send thee not my books. - The reason, Titus, canst divine? - I fear lest thou shouldst send me thine. - - MARTIAL, trans. by R. GARNETT. - - - A friend, who was about to marry the natural - daughter of the Duke de ----, was expatiating - at great length on the virtues, good qualities, - and talents of his future wife, but without making allusion - to her birth. "A t'entendre," observed Montrond, "on - dirait que tu épouses une fille surnaturelle." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - Reading new books is like eating new bread: - One can bear it at first, but by gradual steps he - Is brought to death's door of a mental dyspepsy. - - J. R. LOWELL, _A Fable for Critics_. - - - Casey mentioned to me a parody of his on two - lines in the "Veiled Prophet":-- - "He knew no more of fear than one who dwells - Beneath the tropics knows of icicles." - - The following is his parody, which, bless my stars, none - of my critics were lively enough to hit upon, for it would - have stuck by me:-- - "He knew no more of fear than one who dwells - On Scotia's mountains knows of shoe-buckles." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - Why mourns my Eugene? In his dark eye of blue - Why trembles the tear-drop to sympathy due? - Ah, why must a bosom so pure and refin'd - Thus vibrate, all nerve, at the woes of mankind? - - Like a sunbeam the clouds of the tempest between, - A smile lights the eye of the pensive Eugene; - And thus, in soft accents, the mourner replies, - "Hang your mustard! it brings the tears in my eyes!" - - R. H. BARHAM, _Ingoldsby Lyrics_. - - - Dress does not make a man, but it often makes a - successful one. What all men should avoid is - the "shabby genteel." No man ever gets over - it. You had better be in rags. - - _Vigo_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Endymion_. - - - In moss-prankt dells which the sunbeams flatter - (And Heaven it knoweth what that may mean; - Meaning, however, is no great matter) - Where woods are a-tremble, with rifts atween; - - Thro' God's own heather we wonn'd together, - I and my Willie (O love, my love!): - I need hardly remark it was glorious weather, - And flitter-bats waver'd alow, above. - - Boats were curtsying, rising, bowing - (Boats in that climate are so polite), - And sands were a ribbon of green endowing, - And O the sun-dazzle on bark and bight. - - Thro' the rare red heather we danced together, - (O love, my Willie!) and smelt for flowers: - I must mention again it was glorious weather, - Rhymes are so scarce in this world of ours. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_. - - - 'Tis ridiculous for a lord to print verses. It is well - enough to make them to please himself, but to - make them public is foolish. If a man in his - private chamber twirls his bandstrings, or plays with a - rush to please himself, 'tis well enough, but if he should - go into Fleet Street, and sit upon a stall, and twirl - a bandstring, or play with a rush, then all the boys in - the street would laugh at him. - - SELDEN, _Table Talk_. - - - Here, in the grassy hollow, would be spread - The snowy cloth--dimpled with various viands. - Ah! cleanly damask of our native land! - Ah! pleasant memory of pigeon-pie, - Short-crusted--savoury-jellied--flow'ry-yolked! - Ah! fair white-bosomed fowl with tawny tongue - Well married! lobster-salad, crisp and cool, - With polished silver from clean crockery - Forked up--washed down with drinks that make me now - Thirsty to think of. - Yes, with ginger-pop - These crags should echo. - Ah! rare golden gleam - Of sack in silver goblets gilt within!-- - Bright evanescent raptures of champagne-- - Brisk bottled stout in pewters creamy-crowned! - - G. J. CAYLEY, _Las Alforgas_. - - - Say, as the witty Duke of Buckingham did to the - dog that bit him, "I wish you were married, and - went to live in the country." - - _Ellesmere_, in HELPS' _Friends in Council_. - - - Croquet-- - A dainty and difficult sport in its way. - Thus I counsel the sage, who to play at it stoops, - _Belabour thy neighbour and spoon through thy hoops_. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - We are never so thoroughly tired of the company of - any one else as we are sometimes of our own. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - _ON A VERY TRIFLING FELLOW BEING KNIGHTED._ - - What! Dares made a knight! No, don't be frighted; - He only lost his way, and was be-nighted. - - RICHARD GRAVES (1715-1804). - - - Satan was a blunderer, an introducer of _novità_, - who made a stupendous failure. If he had succeeded, - we should all have been worshipping - him, and his portrait would have been more flattered. - - _Machiavelli_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Romola_. - - - You see the goodly hair that Galla wears; - 'Tis certain her own hair: who would have thought it? - She swears it is her own, and true she swears, - For hard by Temple Bar last day she bought it. - - SIR JOHN HARYNGTON (1561-1612). - - - The worst of human maladies are the most transient - also--love that is half despairing, and seasickness - that is quite so. - - _Leslie_, in MALLOCK's _New Republic_. - - - _ON A SMALL EATER._ - - Simplicity is best, 'tis true, - But not in every mortal's power: - If thou, O maid, canst live on dew, - 'Tis proof thou art indeed a flower. - - R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_. - - - On Walpole's remarking that, of two pictures mentioned, - one was "a shade above the other in - point of merit," [Hook] replied: "I presume you - mean to say it was a _shade over_ (_chef d'oeuvre_)." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Diary_. - - - The nightingales are all about-- - Their song is everywhere-- - Their notes are lovely (though they're out - So often in the air). - - The zephyr, dancing through the tops - Of ash and poplar, weaves - Low melodies, and scarcely stops - To murmur "By your leaves!" - - Night steeps the passions of the day - In quiet, peace, and love. - Pale Dian, in her tranquil way, - Kicks up a shine above. - - H. S. LEIGH, CAROLS OF COCKAYNE. - - - Tinder--a thin rag; such, for instance, as the - dresses of modern females, intended to catch the - sparks, raise a flame, and light up a match. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - _ON DRESS._ - - He who a gold-finch strives to make his wife - Makes her, perhaps, a wag-tail all her life. - - _A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727). - - - [Of Lafayette]: The world is surprised that there - was once an honest man: the situation remains - vacant. - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Thoughts and Fancies_. - - - _ON AILING AND ALE-ING._ - - Come, come, for trifles never stick: - Most servants have a failing; - Yours, it is true, are sometimes sick, - But mine are always ale-ing. - - HENRY LUTTRELL. - - - Sir George Rose, being introduced one day - to two charming young ladies, whose names were - Mary and Louisa, instantly added, with a bow, - "Ah, yes! _Marie-Louise_--the sweetest _pear_ I know!" - - _Macmillan's Magazine._ - - - _TO A CRUEL FAIR ONE._ - - 'Tis done; I yield; adieu, thou cruel fair! - Adieu, th' averted face, th' ungracious cheek! - I go to die, to finish all my care, - To hang--to hang?--yes, round another's neck. - - LEIGH HUNT (from the French). - - - _Bishop (reproving delinquent Page)._ "Wretched - boy! _Who_ is it that sees and hears all we do, - and before whom _even I_ am but as a crushed - worm?" - _Page._ "The Missus, my Lord!" - - _Punch._ - - - _ON DRUNKEN COURAGE._ - - Who only in his cups will fight is like - A clock that must be oil'd well ere it strikes. - - THOMAS BANCROFT (_circa_ 1600). - - - Talking to ---- is like playing long whist. - - LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. - - - _CERBERUS._ - - My dog, who picks up everything one teaches, - Has got "three heads," like Mr. Gladstone's speeches, - But, as might naturally be expected, - His are considerably more connected. - - H. J. BYRON, in _English Epigrams_. - - - Blessed be the word "nice"!--it is the copper - coin of commendation. Without it, we should - have to praise more handsomely. - - CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_. - - - _ON NEWGATE WINDOWS._ - - All Newgate windows bay windows they be; - All lookers out there stand at bay we see. - - JOHN HEYWOOD (1506-1565). - - - It was a grand scene, Mr. Artemus Ward standing - on the platform; many of the audience sleeping - tranquilly in their seats; others leaving the - room and not returning; others crying like a child at - some of the jokes,--all, all formed a most impressive scene, - and showed the powers of this remarkable orator. And - when he announced that he should never lecture in that - town again, the applause was absolutely deafening. - - C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_. - - - _THE REASONS FOR DRINKING._ - - If all be true that I do think, - There are five reasons we should drink: - Good wine; a friend; or being dry; - Or lest we should be by-and-by; - Or any other reason why. - - HENRY ALDRICH. - - - [Barham] having expressed himself in terms of - abhorrence of a piece of baseness and treachery - which came under his notice, he was addressed - by the delinquent with--"Well, sir, perhaps some day - you may come to change your opinion of me!" "Perhaps - I may, sir," was the reply; "for if I should find - any one who holds a more contemptible opinion of you - than I do myself, I should lay down my own and take up - his." - - R. H. D. BARHAM, _Life of Barham_. - - - _FALSE LOVE'S QUIRK._ - - "Oh, sweet one!" sighs the lover, - "Could I but this discover,-- - Thy breast so softly moving, - Will it ever cease from loving?" - - Says she, her eyes upturning, - "The love within me burning - No time can ever smother"-- - For some one or another! - - LORD SOUTHESK, _Greenwood's Farewell_. - - - Benjamin Constant, on some one asking - (with reference to his book on religion) how he - managed to reconcile the statements of his - latter volumes with those of his first, published so long - ago, answered, "Il n'y a rien qui s'arrange aussi facilement - que les faits." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - I'm told that virgins augur some - Misfortune if their shoe-strings come - To grief on Friday: - And so did Di, and then her pride - Decreed that shoe-strings so untied - Are "so untidy!" - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - On one occasion the late Lady Holland took - [Luttrell] a drive in her carriage over a rough - road; and as she was very nervous, she insisted - on being driven at a foot's pace. This ordeal lasted - some hours, and when he was at last released, poor - Luttrell, perfectly exasperated, rushed into the nearest - club-house, and exclaimed, clenching his teeth and - hands, "The very funerals passed us!" - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - _TO A YOUNG LADY._ - - An original something dear maid, you would win me - To write, but how shall I begin? - For I fear I have nothing original in me-- - Excepting Original Sin. - - THOMAS CAMPBELL. - - - La société est un état de guerre, réglé par les lois. - - _L'Art de Parvenir._ - - - Perchance it was her eyes of blue, - Her cheeks that might the rose have shamed, - Her figure in proportion true - To all the rules by artists framed; - Perhaps it was her mental worth - That made her lover love her so, - Perhaps her name, or wealth, or birth,-- - I cannot tell--I do not know. - - He may have had a rival, who - Did fiercely gage him to a duel, - And being the luckiest of the two - Defeated him with triumph cruel; - Then _she_ may have proved false, and turned - To welcome to her arms his foe, - Left _him_ despairing, conquer'd, spurned,-- - I cannot tell--I do not know. - - _Songs of Singularity._ - - - It is of no use to tell a neighbour that his hens - eat your tomatoes: it makes no impression on - him, for the tomatoes are not his. The best - way is to casually remark to him that he has a fine lot of - chickens, pretty well grown, and that you like spring - chickens broiled. He will take them away at once. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - One persuaded his friend to marry a little woman, - because of evils the least was to be chosen. - - _Conceits, Clinches_, etc. (1639). - - - Charles Kemble used to tell a story about - some poor foreigner, dancer or pantomimist in - the country, who, after many annual attempts - to clear his expenses, came forward one evening with a - face beaming with pleasure and gratitude, and addressed - the audience in these words:--"Dear Public! moche - oblige. Ver good benefice--only lose half-a-crown. I - come again!" - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_. - - - "Let's show," said M'Clan, "to this Sassenach loon - That the bag-pipes _can_ play him a regular tune. - Let's see," said M'Clan, as he thoughtfully sat, - "'In my Cottage' is easy--I'll practise at that." - - He blew at his "Cottage," and blew with a will, - For a year, seven months, and a fortnight, until - (You'll hardly believe it) M'Clan, I declare, - Elicited something resembling an air. - - It was wild--it was fitful--as wild as the breeze-- - It wandered about into several keys; - It was jerky, spasmodic, and harsh, I'm aware; - But still it distinctly suggested an air. - - W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_. - - - All men are brothers--Cains and Abels. - - ANON. - - - The blameless king - Rising again (to Lancelot's discontent, - Who held all speeches a tremendous bore), - Said, "If one duty to be done remains, - And 'tis neglected, all the rest is nought - But Dead Sea apples and the acts of Apes." - - Smiled Guinevere, and begged him not to preach; - She knew that duty, and it should be done; - So what of pudding on that festal night - Was not consumed by Arthur and his guests, - The queen upon the following morning fried. - - SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_. - - - One way of getting an idea of our fellow-countrymen's - miseries is to go and look at their - pleasures. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Felix Holt_. - - - _TO A RICH LADY._ - - I will not ask if thou canst touch - The tuneful ivory key,-- - Those silent notes of thine are such - As quite suffice for me. - - I'll make no question if thy skill - The pencil comprehends;-- - Enough for me, love, if thou still - Canst draw--thy dividends. - - _Punch._ - - - At the Duke of Wellington's funeral, the little child - of a friend of mine was standing with her mother - at Lord Ashburton's window to see the mournful - pageant. During the passage of the procession, she - made no remark until the duke's horse was led by, its - saddle empty, and his boots reversed in the stirrups, - when she looked up in her mother's face and said, - "Mamma, when we die, will there be nothing left of us - but boots?" - - J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_. - - - Such power hath Beer. The heart which Grief hath canker'd - Hath one unfailing remedy--the tankard. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_. - - - Dined with Mr. (Sydney) Smith. He told me of - the motto he had proposed for Bishop Burgess's - arms, in allusion to his brother, the well-known - fish-sauce projector: - - "_Gravi_ jamdudum _saucia_ curâ." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - One's self-satisfaction is an untaxed kind of - property which it is very unpleasant to find - depreciated. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Middlemarch_. - - - "My lord cannot stand Treeby more than two days, - and Treeby cannot stand my lord for a longer - period, and that is why they are such friends." - "A sound basis of agreement," said Lord Roehampton. - "I believe absence is a great element of charm." - - LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Endymion_. - - - _SALAD._ - - O cool in the summer is salad, - And warm in the winter is love; - And a poet shall sing you a ballad - Delicious thereon and thereof. - A singer I am, if no sinner, - My muse has a marvellous wing, - And I willingly worship at dinner - The Sirens of Spring. - - Take Endive--like love it is bitter, - Take beet--for like love it is red, - Crisp leaf of the lettuce shall glitter, - And cress from the rivulet's bed: - Anchovies, foam-born, like the lady - Whose beauty has maddened this bard; - And olives, from groves that are shady; - And eggs--boil 'em hard. - - MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_. - - - Query, whether churches are not dormitories of - the living as well as of the dead? - - SWIFT, _Thoughts_. - - - The Mock Turtle said, "No wise fish would go - anywhere without a porpoise." - - "Wouldn't it, really?" said Alice, in a tone of - great surprise. - - "Of course not," said the Mock Turtle; "why, if a - fish came to _me_, and told me he was going a journey, I - should say, 'With what porpoise?'" - - "Don't you mean 'purpose?'" said Alice. - - "I mean what I say," the Mock Turtle replied, in an - offended tone. - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - Vill'st dou learn de Deutsche Sprache? - If a shendleman dou art, - Denn strike right indo Deutschland, - Und get a schveetes-heart. - From Schwabenland or Sachsen, - Vhere now dis writer pees; - Und de bretty girls all wachsen - Shoost like aepples on de drees. - - Boot if dou bee'st a laty, - Denn, on de oder hand, - Take a blonde moustachioed lofer - In de vine green Sherman land. - Und if you shoost kit married - (Vood mit vood soon makes a vire), - You'll learn to sprechen Deutsch, mein kind, - Ash fast ash you tesire. - - C. G. LELAND, _Breitmann Ballads_. - - - The Bishop of St. David's has been studying Welsh - all the summer; it is a difficult language, and I - hope he will be careful,--it is so easy for him to - take up the Funeral Service and read it over the next - wedding-party, or to make a mistake in a tense in a - Confirmation, and the children will have renounced their - godfathers and godmothers and got nothing in their - place. - - SYDNEY SMITH, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON. - - - Beautiful soup, so rich and green, - Waiting in a hot tureen! - Who for such dainties would not stoop? - Soup of the evening, beautiful soup! - Soup of the evening, beautiful soup! - - Beautiful soup! Who cares for fish, - Game, or any other dish? - Who would not give all else for two p - Ennyworth only of beautiful soup? - Pennyworth only of beautiful soup? - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - Writing to Manning, Charles Lamb says: "---- - says he could write like Shakespeare if he had a - _mind_--so you see nothing is wanting but the - _mind_." - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - _ON BALLS AND OPERAS._ - - If by their names we things should call, - It surely would be properer - To term a singing-piece a _bawl_, - A dancing-piece a _hopperer_! - - ANON. - - - Among all forms of mistake, prophecy is the most - gratuitous. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Middlemarch_. - - - _ON LOVE._ - - Love levels all--it elevates the clown, - And often brings the fattest people down. - - H. J. BYRON, in _English Epigrams_. - - - The Hanoverian squires are asses who can talk of - nothing but horses. - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Thoughts and Fancies_. - - - Sir George Warrender was once obliged to put off - a dinner-party in consequence of the death of - a relative, and sat down to a haunch of venison - by himself. While eating, he said to his butler, "John, - this will make a capital hash to-morrow." "Yes, Sir - George, if you leave off _now_!" - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - _TO CHLORIS._ - - Chloris, I swear, by all I ever swore, - That from this hour I shall not love thee more. - "What! love no more? oh, why this altered vow?" - Because I _cannot_ love thee _more_--than _now_. - - THOMAS MOORE. - - - You close your petition with the words: "And we - will ever pray." I think you had better--you - need to do it. - - MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_. - - - Husbands, more covetous than sage, - Condemn this china-buying rage; - They count that woman's prudence little - Who sets her heart on things so brittle. - - JOHN GAY, _Poems_. - - - Umbrella--an article which, by the morality of - society, you may steal from friend or foe, and - which, for the same reason, you should not lend - to either. - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - La curiosité n'est que la vanité. Le plus souvent - on ne veut savoir que pour en parler. - - PASCAL, _Pensées_. - - - O how unlike our shores, - Where with ten thousand tongues each city roars! - There to all men, whate'er their age or walk, - Life's one great solemn business is to talk. - There what the penny press by morning write - Is echoed for a halfpenny at night: - There stump young Ministers; old Maids debate; - There loud Professors scold like Billingsgate: - There, as the World into the Church expands, - A moral Atheist spouts in parson's bands; - And poets, doubtful of the parts of speech, - Desperate of rhyme, acquire the art to preach. - - _Windbag_, in COURTHOPE's _Paradise of Birds_. - - - Prince Metternich said to Lord Dudley, - "You are the only Englishman I know who - speaks good French. It is remarked, the - common people in Vienna speak better than the educated - men in London." "That may well be," replied - Lord Dudley. "Your Highness should recollect that - Buonaparte has not been twice in London to teach - them." - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - When a felon's not engaged in his employment, - Or maturing his felonious little plans, - His capacity for innocent enjoyment - Is just as great as any honest man's. - - W. S. GILBERT, _Pirates of Penzance_. - - - She's an angel in a frock - With a fascinating cock - To her nose. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - To speak highly of one with whom we are intimate - is a species of egotism. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - The annals of our native land were lapsed in doubt and mystery, - Till Mr. Freeman t'other day discovered English History, - And now admonishes the world it is his fixed intention - To make it a monopoly and patent the invention. - - F. D., in _Pall Mall Gazette_. - - - "It is rather sad," sighed Virginia, as she dived - into a box of French chocolate-creams, "to - think that all the poor people are drowned - that these things belonged to." - - "They are not dead," said the Professor: "they still - live on this holy and stupendous earth. They live in - the use we are making of all they had got together. The - owner of those chocolate-creams is immortal because you - are eating them." - - Virginia licked her lips, and said, "Nonsense!" - - "It is not nonsense," said the Professor. "It is the - religion of Humanity." - - W. H. MALLOCK, _The New Paul and Virginia_. - - - The sort of fun - I witnessed there _was_ "awful;" - Buffoonery devoid of all - That makes an art of folly, - Music that was "most music-hall," - To hear "most melancholy." - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. - - - You are a woman; you must never speak what - you think: your words must contradict your - thoughts: but your actions may contradict your - words. So, when I ask you if you can love me, you - must say no; but you must love me too. If I tell you - you are handsome, you must deny it, and say I flatter - you; and you must think yourself more charming than - I speak you, and like me for the beauty I say you have, - as much as if I had it myself. - - _Tattle_, in CONGREVE's _Love for Love_. - - - Dear Poet, do not rhyme at all! - But if you must, don't tell your neighbour, - Or five in six, who cannot scrawl, - Will dub you donkey for your labour. - Be patient, but be sure you won't - Win vogue without extreme vexation; - Yet hope for sympathy,--but don't - Expect it from a near relation. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - Nous pardonnons souvent à ceux qui nous ennuient; - mais nous ne pouvons pardonner à ceux qui - nous ennuyons. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - There is a phrase we oft have seen - On bottle-labels writ, - And those who invalids have been - Best know the drift of it; - It may embody in a line - A world of chemic lore, - And skill to portion and combine-- - _The mixture as before_. - - This will apply to many things, - To oratory most, - Addresses made to kings and queens, - And wedding speech and toast; - For commonplace and compliment - Are mingled o'er and o'er; - _This_ saves the trouble to invent-- - _The mixture as before_. - - _Songs of Singularity._ - - - I had forgotten to mention that essay, Miss - Daylmer; that is our essay on cookery,--the - one we always begin with in reading to ladies; - as Milverton said, "entirely within their province." I - wish they paid more attention to it; but people seldom - do attend to things within their province. - - _Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_. - - - There was an old waiter at Wapping - Drew corks for a week without stopping; - Cried he, "It's too bad! - The practice I've had! - Yet cannot prevent them from popping!" - - There was an old priest of Peru, - Who dreamt he converted a Jew; - He woke in the night - In a deuce of a fright, - And found it was perfectly true. - - There was an old witch of Malacca, - Who smoked such atrocious tob_acca_, - When tigers came near, - They trembled with fear, - And didn't attempt to att_acca_. - - _Songs of Singularity._ - - - A woman dictates before marriage in order that - she may have an appetite for submission afterwards. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Middlemarch_. - - - Sydney Smith, speaking of his being shampooed - at Mahomet's Baths at Brighton in 1840, - said they "squeezed enough out of him to make - a lean curate." - - R. H. BARHAM, _Life_. - - - Now brim your glass, and plant it well - Beneath your nose on the table, - And you will find what philosophers tell - Of I and non-I is no fable. - Now listen to wisdom, my son! - Myself am the subject, - This wine is the object: - These things are two, - But I'll prove to you - That subject and object are one. - - I take this glass in my hand, and stand - Upon my legs, if I can, - And look and smile benign and bland, - And feel that I am a man. - Now stretch all the strength of your brains! - I drink--and the object - Is lost in the subject, - Making one entity - In the identity - Of me, and the wine in my veins! - - J. S. BLACKIE, _Musa Burschicosa_. - - - Punsters being abused, and the old joke - repeated that "He who puns will pick a pocket," - some one said, "Punsters themselves have no - pockets." "No," said Lamb, "they carry only a - _ridicule_." - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - It is always a pleasure to me when two of my - friends like each other, just as I am always glad - when two of my enemies take to fighting with each - other. - - HEINRICH HEINE, _Preface to Don Quixote_. - - - He stood on his head on the wild sea-shore, - And joy was the cause of the act, - For he felt as he never had felt before, - Insanely glad, in fact. - - And why? In that vessel that left the bay - His mother-in-law had sail'd - To a tropical country far away, - Where tigers and snakes prevail'd. - - _Songs of Singularity._ - - - [Berkeley] had no ear for music himself, but - music was an enthusiasm in the family, and he - retained the well-known Signor Pasquilino for - years to teach his children. It was then that the Signor, - who had been learning English from a dictionary, exclaimed - in an outbreak of gratitude, "May God _pickle_ - your lordship!" - - A. C. FRASER, _Berkeley_. - - - Women always did, from the first, make a muss in - a garden. - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - _GOOD ADVICE._ - - This gardener's rule applies to youth and age: - When young "sow wild oats," but when old "grow sage." - - H. J. BYRON, in _English Epigrams_. - - - The sacred slow harmonium bring, - The gentler pianette, - The cymbals, with sonorous ring, - The dulcet flageolet. - - Nor be the voice of glory dumb, - Of conquest and of strife, - Bring forth the stirring trump and drum, - The shrill and piercing fife. - - Ay, bring them all, my soul with glee - To music I'll devote; - Bring all--for all are one to me,-- - I cannot play a note! - - _Songs of Singularity._ - - - We sometimes hate those who differ from us in - opinion worse than we should for an attempt to - injure us in the most serious point. A favourite - theory is a possession for life; and we resent any attack - upon it proportionably. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - When Mrs. M'Gibbon was preparing to act Jane - Shore, at Liverpool, her dresser, an ignorant - country girl, informed her that a woman had - called to request two box orders, because she and her - daughter had walked four miles on purpose to see the - play. "Does she know me?" inquired the mistress. - "Not at all," was the reply. "What a very odd request!" - exclaimed Mrs. M'G. "Has the good woman got her - faculties about her?" "I think she have, ma'am, for I - see she ha' got summut tied up in a red silk handkercher." - - HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_. - - - A clerke ther was, a puissant wight was hee, - Who of ye Wethere hadde ye maisterie; - Alway it was his mirthe and his solace - To put eche seson's wethere out of place. - - Whaune that Aprille shoures wer our desyre, - He gaf us Julye sonnes as hotte as fyre; - But sith ye summere togges we donned agayne, - Eftsoons ye wethere chaunged to colde and rayne. - - _Songs of Singularity._ - - - I shouldn't like to be a man--to cough so - loud, and stand straddling about on a wet day, - and be so wasteful with meat and drink. They're - a coarse lot, I think. - - _Denner_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Felix Holt_. - - - Once the mastodon was: pterodactyls were common as cocks: - Then the Mammoth was God: now is He a prize ox. - - Parallels all things are: yet many of these are askew: - You are certainly I: but certainly I am not you. - - Springs the rock from the plain, shoots the stream from the rock: - Cocks exist for the hen: but hens exist for the cock. - - God, whom we see not, is: and God, who is not, we see: - Fiddle, we know, is diddle: and diddle, we take it, is dee. - - _The Heptalogia._ - - - _A privileged person._--One who is so - much of a savage when thwarted that civilized - persons avoid thwarting him. - - ANNE EVANS, _Poems and Music_. - - - I've studied human nature, and I know a thing or two; - Though a girl may fondly love a living gent, as many do: - A feeling of disgust upon her senses there will fall - When she looks upon his body chopped particularly small. - - W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_. - - - The Bishop of Exeter, in the course of conversation - at a dinner-party, mentioned that many - years since, while trout-fishing, he lost his watch - and chain, which he supposed had been pulled from his - pocket by the bough of a tree. Some time afterwards, - when staying in the same neighbourhood, he took a - stroll by the side of the river, and came to the secluded - spot where he supposed he had lost his valuables, and - there, to his surprise and delight, he found them under a - bush. The anecdote, vouched for by the word of a - bishop, astonished the company; but this was changed - to amusement by his son's inquiring whether the watch, - when found, was going. "No," replied the bishop; - "the wonder was that it was not gone." - - GRONOW, _Recollections_. - - - _ON FORTUNE._ - - Fortune, they say, doth give too much to many: - And yet she never gave enough to any. - - SIR JOHN HARYNGTON (1561-1612). - - - I do not speak of this mole in any tone of complaint. - I desire to write nothing against him - which I should wish to recall at the last,--nothing - foreign to the spirit of that beautiful saying of - the dying boy, "He had no copybook, which, dying, he - was sorry he had blotted." - - C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_. - - - Know, then, that when that touching scene - Had reached its tenderest pitch, - When all was pathos, calm, serene, - _His nose began to itch_. - - 'Twas sad, but so it came to pass, - The knight might chafe and frown, - But could not reach it, for alas! - _He wore his vizor down_. - - _Songs of Singularity._ - - - I remember asking [Bagehot] if he had enjoyed - a particular dinner which he had rather expected - to enjoy, but he replied, "No, the sherry was - bad; tasted as if L---- had dropped his h's into it." - - R. H. HUTTON, _Memoir of W. Bagehot_. - - - When Beings of the fairer sex - Arrange their white arms round our necks, - We are, we ought to be, enraptured. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_. - - - "Pray, Mr. Foote, do you ever go to church?" - "No, madam; not that I see any harm in it." - - THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_. - - - _ON AN INCAPABLE PERSON._ - - Fortune advanced thee that all might aver - That nothing is impossible to her. - - R. GARNETT (from the Greek). - - - I remember a Trinity College (Dublin) story of - a student who, having to translate Cæsar, rendered - the first sentence, "Omnis Gallia divisa est - in tres partes,"--"All Gaul is quartered into three - halves." - - W. H. HARRISON, _University Magazine_. - - - Always seem to be modest and bashful, yet wise; - Remember the value of using your eyes; - Recollect, too, that money's not easily met, - And always accept every offer you get; - Be polite to all--grandmammas, sisters, and mothers, - For they've all of them grandsons, or own sons or brothers; - And never forget the chief object in life - Is to quickly be settled--a well-to-do wife. - - _Phoebe_, in H. P. STEPHENS's _Billee Taylor_. - - - One asked what herb that was that cured all - diseases. It was answered, "Time." - - _Conceits, Clinches_, etc. (1639). - - - In his sleeves, which were long, - He had twenty-four packs-- - Which was coming it strong, - Yet I state but the facts; - And we found on his nails, which were taper, - What is frequent in tapers--that's wax. - - BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_. - - - In a conversation which happened to turn on railway - accidents and the variety of human sufferings, - a bank director observed that he always - felt great interest in the case of a broken limb. "Then, - I suppose," said ----, "for a compound fracture you feel - compound interest." - - W. JERDAN, _Memoirs_. - - - _ON A CERTAIN POET._ - - Thy verses are eternal, O my friend, - For he who reads them reads them to no end. - - _A Collection of Epigrams_ (1727). - - - One day, coming late to dinner in the country, - [Lady Charlotte Lindsay] excused herself by - the "macadamnable" state of the roads. - - LORD HOUGHTON, _Monographs_. - - - I wish some girls that I could name - Were half as silent as their pictures! - - W. M. PRAED. - - - The other day I heard that whimsical fellow G---- - make a rather foolish remark, to the effect that - the pleasure of _not_ going to church was a - pleasure that _never_ palled. - - FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_. - - - And day again declines; - In shadow sleep the vines, - And the last ray thro' the pines - Feebly glows, - Then sinks behind yon ridge; - And the usual evening midge - Is settling on the bridge - Of my nose. - - And keen's the air and cold, - And the sheep are in the fold, - And Night walks stable-stoled - Thro' the trees; - And on the silent river - The floating star-beams quiver;-- - And now, the saints deliver - Us from fleas. - - C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_. - - - Tommy Townshend, a violent, foolish fellow, - who was always talking strong language, said in - some debate, "Nothing will satisfy me but to - have the noble Lord [North]'s head; I will have his - head." Lord North said, "The honourable gentleman - says he will have my head. I bear him no malice in - return, for though the honourable gentleman says he will - have my head, I can assure him I would on no account - have his." - - CHARLES GREVILLE, _Diary_. - - - With undissembled grief I tell,-- - For sorrow never comes too late,-- - The simplest bonnet in Pall Mall - Is sold for £1 8_s._ - - CATHARINE M. FANSHAWE. - - - Said the Gryphon, "Do you know why it's called - a whiting?" - - "I never thought about it," said Alice. - "Why?" - - "_It does the boots and shoes_," the Gryphon replied - very solemnly. - - Alice was thoroughly puzzled. "Does the boots and - shoes?" she repeated in a wondering tone. - - "Why, what are _your_ shoes done with?" said the - Gryphon. "I mean, what makes them so shiny?" - - Alice looked down at them, and considered a little - before she gave her answer. "They're done with blacking, - I believe." - - "Boots and shoes under the sea," the Gryphon went - on in a deep voice, "are done with whiting. Now you - know." - - LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_. - - - I'm always dull on Christmas Day, - It lets a flood of ills in, - For that's the time those birds of prey - Bring all their horrid bills in! - - J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Songs and Poems_. - - - The wit of a family is usually best received among - strangers. - - GEORGE ELIOT, _Middlemarch_. - - - Sweet maids in wimples fair y-wrought, - Shall smile upon thee. Thou shalt say, - Oft, by thy halidame, there's nought - So gracious and so fair as they, - But what thy halidame may be, - I trow 'tis useless asking me. - - H. SAVILE CLARKE. - - - Le vrai honnête homme est celui qui ne se pique de - rien. - - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_. - - - O memory! thou art but a sigh - For friendships dead and loves forgot, - And many a cold and altered eye - That once did say--Forget me not! - - And I must bow me to thy laws, - For--odd although it may be thought-- - I can't tell who the deuce it was - That gave me this Forget-me-not! - - _Bon Gaultier Ballads._ - - - What is Truth? "Bring me the wash-hand basin," - is the reply of Pontius Pilate. - - HEINRICH HEINE, _The Denunciator_. - - - _ON A RECENT ROBBERY._ - - They came and stole my garments, - My stockings, all my store, - But they could not steal my sermons, - For they were stolen before. - - REV. HENRY TOWNSHEND. - - - Some folk's tongues are like the clocks as run on - strikin', not to tell you the time o' day, but - because there's summat wrong i' their own - inside. - - _Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_. - - - 'Tis said that he lived upon bacon and beans, - And that sometimes he dined upon salt pork and greens; - But he thought that such feeding was rather humdrum,-- - "I've gone the whole hog," said little Tom Thumb. - - As Tom once was crossing a river close by, - A salmon snapped up, as it would at a fly; - But as it was dark Tom did sing rather mum-- - "I'm down in the mouth," said little Tom Thumb. - - Next day a black raven poor Tom did espy, - Which carried him up to the heaven so high; - If the bird let him go, to the ground would he come-- - "I'll be dashed if I do," said little Tom Thumb. - - J. A. SIDEY, _Mistura Curiosa_. - - - It is often harder to praise a friend than an enemy. - - W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_. - - - _ON A CERTAIN PARSON._ - - By purchase a man's property is known: - Scarf's sermons and his livings are his own. - - _Epigrams in Distich_ (1740). - - - I measure men's dullness by the devices they - trust in for deceiving others. Your dullest - animal is he who grins and says he doesn't mind - just after he has had his shins kicked. - - MACHIAVELLI, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Romola_. - - - _GRAMMATICAL._ - - The least drop in the world I do not mind: - "Cognac" 's a noun I never yet declined. - - H. J. BYRON, in _English Epigrams_. - - - "There is no middle course," said Charles X. to - Talleyrand, "between the throne and the - scaffold!" "Your Majesty forgets the post-chaise!" - - CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_. - - - I could not, while you shone, - Run all that heartless _babble off_ - That marks the modern _Babylon_. - - ROBERT REECE, in _Comic Poets_. - - - _TO AN IMPORTUNATE HOST - DURING DINNER AND AFTER TENNYSON._ - - Ask me no more: I've had enough Chablis; - The wine may come again, and take the shape, - From glass to glass, of "Mountain" or of "Cape;" - But, my dear boy, when I have answered thee, - Ask me no more. - - Ask me no more: what answer should I give? - I love not pickled pork nor partridge pie; - I feel if I took whisky I should die; - Ask me no more--for I prefer to live: - Ask me no more. - - Ask me no more: unless my fate is sealed, - And I have striven against you all in vain: - Let your good butler bring me Hock again: - Then rest, dear boy. If for this once I yield, - Ask me no more. - - W. D. A. - - - Sir Robert Grant told a story well, and - could pun successfully without boring. By way - of instance, on the beach at Sidmouth he pronounced - the six beautiful Miss Twopennys to be the - "Splendid shilling." - - LORD TEIGNMOUTH, _Reminiscences_. - - - Oh to be wafted away - From this black Aceldama of sorrow, - Where the dust of an earthy to-day, - Is the earth of a dusty to-morrow! - - _Bunthorne_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Patience_. - - - One said, painters were cunning fellows, for they - had a colour for everything they did. - - _Conceits, Clinches_, etc. (1639). - - - Dey vent to hear a breecher of - De last sensadion shtyle, - 'Twas 'nough to make der tyfel weep - To see his "awful shmile." - "Vot bities dat der Fechter ne'er - Vos in Theologie. - Dey'd make him pishop in dis shoorsh," - Said Breitmann, said he. - - C. G. LELAND, _Breitmann Ballads_. - - - "Oh! Pat; and what do you think will be your - feelings on the day of judgment when you - meet Mrs. Mahoney, and the pig you stole from - her, face to face?" "Does your reverence think the pig - will be there?" "Ay, indeed, will he; and what will ye - say then?" "I shall say, your reverence, 'Mrs. Mahoney, - dear, here's the pig that I borrowed of ye, and I'm - mighty glad to have this opportunity of restoring him!'" - - _Life of Rev. W. Harness._ - - - _In vino veritas!_--which means - A man's a very ass in liquor; - The "thief that slowly steals our brains" - Makes nothing but the temper quicker. - Next morning brings a train of woes, - But finds the passions much sedater-- - Who was it, now, that pulled my nose?-- - I'd better go and ask the waiter. - - H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Pegasus Resaddled_. - - - Jones, the tailor, was asked by a customer, who - thought much of his cut, to go down and have - some shooting with him in the country. Among - the party was the Duke of Northumberland. "Well, - Mr. Jones," observed his Grace, "I'm glad to see that - you are becoming a sportsman. What sort of gun do - you shoot with?" "Oh, with a double-breasted one, - your Grace," was the reply. - - _Life of Rev. W. Harness._ - - - Now wedlock is a sober thing, - No more of chains or forges! - A plain young man, a plain gold ring, - The curate, and St. George's. - - EDWARD FITZGERALD. - - - The greatest advantage I know of being thought - a wit by the world, is, that it gives one the - greater freedom of playing the fool. - - POPE, _Thoughts on Various Subjects_. - - - Conceive me, if you can, - An every-day young man: - A common-place type, - With a stick and a pipe, - And a half-bred black-and-tan; - Who thinks suburban "hops" - More fun than "Monday Pops"; - Who's fond of his dinner, - And doesn't get thinner, - On bottled beer and chops;-- - A common-place young man-- - A matter-of-fact young man-- - A steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank-holiday - Every-day young man! - - _Grosvenor_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Patience_. - - - I do not so much want to avoid being cheated, as - to afford the expense of being so; the generality - of mankind being seldom in good humour but - whilst they are imposing upon you in some shape or - other. - - SHENSTONE, _Essays_. - - - Only think, to have lords overrunning the nation, - As plenty as frogs in a Dutch inundation; - No shelter from barons, from earls no protection, - And tadpole young lords, too, in every direction,-- - Things created in haste, just to make a court list of, - Two legs and a coronet all they consist of! - - THOMAS MOORE. - - - Lo! the king, his footsteps this way bending, - His cogitative faculties immersed - In cogibundity of cogitation. - - _Aldiborontiphoscophornio_, in CAREY's _Chrononhotonthologos_. - - - It is with narrow-souled people, as with narrow-necked - bottles: the less they have in them, the - more noise they make in pouring out. - - POPE, _Thoughts on Various Subjects_. - - - One privilege to man is left-- - The privilege of earning - The doss that pays the weekly bills. - - H. CHOLMONDELEY PENNELL, _Pegasus Resaddled_. - - - _Happy thought._--"Fridoline!" I have her - permission to call her Fridoline. - - Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts!! Happy - thoughts!!! - - I think I am speaking: she speaks: we speak - together. A pause. Oh, for one happy thought, now. - - "May I?" Her head is turned away from me: - slightly. She does not move. "I may?" - - _Happy Thought._--I do. - - F. C. BURNAND, _Happy Thoughts_. - - - - - INDEX. - - - A. - - Absence an element of charm, 236 - - Actress, an inanimate, 59 - - _Adam Bede_, quoted, 11, _et seq._ - - Adam's language, 27 - - Advice, Pope on giving, 87 - - Agreeable person, an, 6 - - Ailing and ale-ing, 227 - - Albemarle, Lord, quoted, 32, _et seq._ - - Alderman, on an, 180 - - Alderson, Baron, on Lord Campbell, 194 - - Aldrich, Dean, quoted, 229 - - _Alice in Wonderland_, quoted, 7, _et seq._ - - "A little backer," 175 - - "All Gaul is quartered," 253 - - "All my eye," 41, 93 - - All Saints, 106 - - Allsopp's ale, 152 - - "All the souls that were," 97 - - Altruism, Mallock on, 167 - - Alvanley, Lord, _mot_ by, 67 - - "Always seem to be modest," 253 - - _Amours de Voyage_, quoted, 59 - - "Anecdotage," 43, 107 - - Animals, George Eliot on, 41, 102 - - _Anti-Jacobin, the_, quoted, 33 - - "Ape in the days that were earlier," 43 - - "Ape with pliable thumb," 17 - - Aristocracy, the, Phoebus on, 170 - - Aristocratic poets, 223 - - Arnold, Matthew, on, 123 - - _Art de Parvenir, L'_, quoted, 231 - - Art-Unions, Hood on, 3 - - Ashburton, Lady, _mots_ by, 30, _et seq._ - - Ashby-Sterry, J., quoted, 22, _et seq._ - - _Aspen Court_, quoted, 5 - - Atalanta, on, 188 - - Athanasian Creed, the, 89 - - Austin, Alfred, quoted, 19, _et seq._ - - - B. - - _Bab Ballads_, quoted, 105, _et seq._ - - Bagehot, Walter, _mots_ by, 84, _et seq._ - - Bailey, Philip James, quoted, 26 - - Balbus, 103 - - _Ballades in Blue China_, quoted, 20, _et seq._ - - Balls and operas, on, 239 - - Balzac, quoted, 4, _et seq._ - - Bancroft, Thomas, quoted, 228 - - Barham, R. H., quoted, 12, _et seq._ - - Barrington, Sir Jonah, quoted, 28 - - Barry, Redmond, _mot_ by, 36 - - Bass's beer, 125 - - Baxter, Rose, and Norton, 66 - - Beaconsfield, Lord, quoted, 6, _et seq._ - - Bean, the, Warner on, 184 - - Bears, Locker on, 23 - - "Beautiful soup," 238 - - Beazley, Samuel, _mots_ by, 51, _et seq._ - - "Beer, such power hath," 235 - - _Beppo_, quoted, 21 - - Berkeley, Grantley, quoted, 142 - - _Biglow Papers, the_, quoted, 30, _et seq._ - - _Billee Taylor_, quoted, 127, _et seq._ - - Bills, Christmas, 256 - - ----, weekly, 202, 264 - - Bishops, Alvanley on, 129 - - "Bisness first," 15 - - Black, a great fact, 5 - - Blackie, Professor, quoted, 45, _et seq._ - - "Bloom of ugliness, the," 195 - - "Blossom of hawthorn," 25 - - Blows, George Eliot on, 137 - - Blue-stockings, on, 9 - - _Bon Gaultier Ballads_, quoted, 71, _et seq._ - - "Books are fatal," 52 - - Books, reading new, 221 - - Boredom, the secret of, 34 - - Bores, Lady Ashburton on, 30 - - _Boudoir Ballads_, quoted, 22, _et seq._ - - Boyd, Mark, quoted, 56, _et seq._ - - Bramston, John, quoted, 48 - - Braxfield, Lord, anecdote of, 133 - - "Break, break, break!" 213 - - _Breitmann Ballads_, quoted, 86, _et seq._ - - Bright, John, Professor Blackie on, 204 - - Brighton, Collins on, 84; - Ashby Sterry on, 211 - - _British Birds, the_, quoted, 21, _et seq._ - - Broad church, the, 36 - - "Broken English," 136 - - Brooks, Shirley, quoted, 5, _et seq._ - - Brown, to Lady, 214 - - Browne, C. F. _See_ Ward, Artemus. - - ----, J. Jemmett, quoted, 5, _et seq._ - - Brummell, _mot_ by, 69 - - Buckle, Professor Blackie on, 127 - - Burnand, F. C., quoted, 88, _et seq._ - - Busby, Dr., anecdote of, 150 - - Business, described, 8 - - Buxton, Charles, quoted, 27, _et seq._ - - Byron, H. J., quoted, 10, _et seq._ - - ----, Lord, quoted, 7, _et seq._; - _mot_ by, 62 - - - C. - - Callender, Miss, _mot_ on, 1 - - Calverley, C. S., quoted, 5, _et seq._ - - Campbell, Thomas, quoted, 231; - Rogers on, 35 - - Candide, Byron on, 216 - - Cannon, _mot_ by, 135 - - "Cannot have everything," 63 - - Cappadocians, on the, 4 - - _Careless Husband, the_, quoted, 1 - - Carey, Henry, quoted, 11, _et seq._ - - Carlyle, on, 180 - - _Carols of Cockayne_, quoted, 44, _et seq._ - - Carroll, Lewis, quoted, 7, _et seq._ - - Castlereagh, Lord, _mot_ by, 34 - - Catch, light-fingered, 135 - - Cayley, G. J., quoted, 80, _et seq._ - - Celebrity, Chamfort on, 13 - - Cerberus, H. J. Byron on, 228 - - Ceremony, 149 - - Chambermaids, Mark Twain on, 124 - - Chamfort, quoted, 13, _et seq._ - - Character, on, 140 - - _Characteristics_, Hazlitt's, quoted, 15, _et seq._ - - Charron, quoted, 174 - - Chatterton, Lady, quoted, 93 - - Chelmsford, Lord, _mot_ by, 142 - - Chesterfield, Lord, quoted, 53, _et seq._ - - Children, Dudley Warner on, 154 - - China, blue, 149 - - China-buying, 240 - - Chloe, Mortimer Collins's, 216 - - Chloris, to, 240 - - Chorley, H. F., quoted, 2, _et seq._ - - Christ Church "Marriage," 193 - - _Chrononhotonthologos_, quoted, 11, _et seq._ - - Churches as dormitories, 236 - - Cibber, Colley, quoted, 1 - - Clergy, the, and hoeing, 200 - - Close-fist's subscription, 194 - - Clough, A. H., quoted, 6, _et seq._ - - "Coach, coach, coach!" 11 - - Cockney, the, 173 - - "Cognac," Byron on, 259 - - Coleridge, S. T., quoted, 76, _et seq._ - - _Collection of Epigrams_, quoted, 3, _et seq._ - - College life, 166 - - Collins, Mortimer, quoted, 21, _et seq._ - - _Comic Poets_, quoted, 57, _et seq._ - - Companies, Thurlow on, 72 - - Company, our own, 225 - - Compliments, 60, 188 - - Compton's _Life_, quoted, 14, _et seq._; - _mots_ by, 55, _et seq._ - - _Conceits, Clinches_, etc., quoted, 232, _et seq._ - - Congreve, William, quoted, 12, _et seq._ - - Conscience, Mallock on, 108; - Byron on, 116 - - Constancy, Vauvenargues on, 65 - - Constant, Benjamin, _mot_ by, 230 - - Contentment, Holmes on, 24 - - Cork, Lady, anecdote of, 131 - - "Cornet waltzes, a," 54 - - Cornopean, the amateur, 173 - - Courage, drunken, on, 228 - - Courthope, W. J., quoted, 153 - - Courtship and marriage, 178 - - Cowden Clarke, Mrs., quoted, 78 - - Crawley, Richard, quoted, 36 - - Critics, the, 202 - - Croly, George, quoted, 188 - - Croquet, advice on, 224 - - Cunningham, John, quoted, 180 - - Curiosity only vanity, 240 - - Curran, _mots_ by, 29, _et seq._ - - "Cursed be the whole concern," 191 - - - D. - - Daddy Longlegs, Whately on, 90 - - Damnation, preaching, 30 - - Darwin, on, 8, 180 - - Daughter, an obstinate, 37 - - Davies, Scrope, quoted, 130 - - Deshoulières, Madame, quoted, 37 - - _Devil's Walk, the_, quoted, 36 - - _Diary_, Crabb Robinson's, quoted, 24, _et seq._ - - ---- Greville's, quoted, 129 - - ----, Moore's, quoted, 9, _et seq._ - - ----, W. C. Macready's, quoted, 75, _et seq._ - - ----, Young's, quoted, 4, _et seq._ - - Dickens, Charles, quoted, 15, _et seq._ - - Dinner, after, 185 - - Dinner-bell, Lord Byron on the, 7 - - _Dipsychus_, quoted, 163 - - "Dirty-two," 82 - - "_Dis_contents, the," 21 - - Dobson, Austin, quoted, 11, _et seq._ - - Domestic woman, a, 198 - - Donaldson, Dr., _mots_ by, 24, _et seq._ - - _Don Juan_, quoted, 7, _et seq._ - - Donne, Dr., quoted, 48; - _mot_ by, 212 - - "Don't Care," Helps on, 13 - - D'Orsay, Count, _mots_ by, 184, _et seq._ - - _Double Dealer, the_, quoted, 12 - - Drake, Dr., _mot_ by, 36 - - "Draw it mild," 219 - - Drawing on wood, 7 - - Dress, Vigo on, 222 - - Drinking, reasons for, 229 - - Dudley, Lord, Castlereagh on, 34; - _mot_ by, 241 - - _Duenna, the_, quoted, 37 - - Dumas _fils_, quoted, 87 - - Dust and disease, 78 - - "Dust of an earthy to-day, the," 261 - - Duty, Clough on, 6 - - Dying boy, the, 251 - - - E. - - Early rising, Saxe on, 122; - Hood on, 195 - - Eater, on a small, 226 - - Edinburgh, Hannay on, 116 - - Eliot, George, quoted, 6, _et seq._ - - Ellenborough, Lord, _mot_ by, 84 - - Emerson, R. W., quoted, 47 - - _Endymion_, Lord Beaconsfield's, 80, _et seq._ - - _English Epigrams_, quoted, 10, _et seq._ - - ---- language, the, 32, 60 - - "Entirely within their province," 244 - - _Epigram in Distich_, quoted, 85 - - Episcopal office, Sydney Smith on, 192 - - Equality, on, 45 - - _Eugene Aram_, quoted, 152 - - Evans, Anne, quoted, 49, _et seq._ - - Evening dress, on ladies', 174 - - ---- newspapers, 241 - - "Every-day young man, an," 263 - - Eye-glass, on the, 164 - - - F. - - _Fable for critics, a_, quoted, 178 - - False love's quirk, 230 - - Fanshawe, Catherine M., quoted, 256 - - Fashion, Lytton on, 18 - - Feeding a cold, 42 - - _Felix Holt_, quoted, 26 - - Felons and their "innocent enjoyment," 241 - - _Festus_, quoted, 26 - - Fiddler, on a bad, 3 - - Fielding, Henry, quoted, 56 - - Fields, J. T., quoted, 14, _et seq._ - - _Fifty years of my life_, quoted, 32, _et seq._ - - Fine lady, a, Pope on, 42 - - "First men of the century," 185 - - Fitzgerald, Edward, quoted, 262 - - Flattery, Vauvenargues on, 95 - - _Fly-leaves_, quoted, 15, _et seq._ - - Fools, Hazlitt on, 143 - - Foote, _mots_ by, 211, _et seq._ - - "Forever," 142 - - Fortune, on, 251 - - Forty year, 197 - - "Forty years long," 156 - - "Found it advisable," 57 - - "Four by honours," 33 - - Franklin, Mark Twain on, 178 - - Fraser, Professor, quoted, 247 - - Free-thinking, 113 - - "Free to confess," 47 - - Freeman, Mr., on, 242 - - ----, Thomas, quoted, 196 - - "Friend, go thy way," 155 - - Friends and ripe fruit, 79 - - ----, Hazlitt on, 106 - - _---- in Council_, quoted, 13, _et seq._ - - ----, Old, Selden on, 11 - - French, the, Harness on, 38 - - ---- and English, 210 - - Froude and Kingsley, 111 - - Fuller, Francis, quoted, 173 - - Funny man, a, 30 - - - G. - - Galla, Haryngton on, 225 - - "Gardener's rule, this," 248 - - Garnett, Richard, quoted, 60, _et seq._ - - Gay, John, quoted, 240 - - Genus, 111 - - "Georgium Any-sidus," 99 - - German language, the, 237 - - "Gift of the gab," 74 - - Gilbert, W. S., quoted, 14, _et seq._ - - _Gilfil's love story_, quoted, 41 - - Gillon, Joseph, _mot_ by, 141 - - Good little girls, 115 - - "Good not the word," 55 - - Good people, Locker on, 204 - - Grapes and gripes, on, 155 - - Gratitude, popular, 189 - - Graves, Richard, quoted, 225 - - Greville, Charles, quoted, 129 - - Gronow's _Recollections_, quoted, 10, _et seq._ - - _Guesses at Truth_, quoted, 5, _et seq._ - - - H. - - "Halidame, by thy," 257 - - Hamilton, Sir John, _mot_ by, 28 - - Hannay, James, quoted, 23, _et seq._ - - _Happy Thoughts_, quoted, 88, _et seq._ - - Harness, William, _mot_ by, 38 - - Harrison, W. H., quoted, 38, _et seq._ - - Harte, Bret, quoted, 80, _et seq._ - - Haryngton, Sir John, quoted, 225 - - Hay, John, quoted, 13, _et seq._ - - Haydon, B. R., quoted, 4, _et seq._ - - Hayward, Abraham, quoted, 3, _et seq._ - - Hazlitt, William, quoted, 15, _et seq._ - - Heath, Robert, quoted, 201 - - "Hegel's modest formula," 53 - - Heine, Heinrich, quoted, 126, _et seq._ - - Helps, Sir Arthur, quoted, 13, _et seq._ - - _Heptalogia, the_, quoted, 250 - - "Heureux plafond," 85 - - Hicks, epigrams by, 2, _et seq._ - - _High Life Below Stairs_, quoted, 37 - - Hill, Aaron, quoted, 205 - - _H.M.S. Pinafore_, quoted, 56 - - Holmes, Oliver Wendell, quoted, 24, _et seq._ - - Holland, Lord, epigram by, 51 - - "Home they brought," 200 - - Hood, Thomas, quoted, 3, _et seq._; - anecdotes of, 155, _et seq._ - - Hook, Theodore, _mots_ by, 2, _et seq._ - - _Horace at Athens_, quoted, 32, _et seq._ - - _---- in London_, quoted, 34 - - _Horse and Foot_, quoted, 36 - - House of Commons, on, 160 - - "How doth the little crocodile," 118 - - Hugman, R., quoted, 92 - - Hugo, Victor, Heine on, 151 - - Humility, Selden on, 48 - - Hunt, Leigh, quoted, 228 - - _Hunting of the Snark, the_, quoted, 22, _et seq._ - - Husband, an intemperate, 65 - - ----, the desire of a, 177 - - "Hyam to Moses," 19 - - _Hyperion_, quoted, 117 - - Hypocrite, a, 148 - - - I. - - "I and non-I," 246 - - "I loiter down," 162 - - "I make the butter fly," 32 - - _Idylls and Epigrams_, quoted, 60, _et seq._ - - Ignorance, blessed, 201 - - ----, Felix Holt on, 199 - - Immorality, present day, 92 - - Impositions of mankind, 263 - - Incapable person, on an, 252 - - _Ingoldsby Lyrics_, quoted, 12, _et seq._ - - Insolence, 12 - - Intentions, good, 91 - - Irving, Washington, _mot_ by, 4 - - - J. - - Jabberwock, The, 220 - - _Janet's Repentance_, quoted, 96 - - Jeaffreson, J. C., quoted, 85 - - Jekyll, _mot_ by, 26 - - Jenkins, Mrs., quoted, 171 - - Jenner, lines on, 6 - - Jerdan, William, quoted, 135 - - Jerrold, Douglas, _mot_ by, 14 - - "John P. Robinson, he," 30 - - Johnson, Dr., quoted, 50 - - "Juliet was a fool," 53 - - "Jure mariti," 57 - - Juxtaposition, Clough on, 113 - - - K. - - Kean, B. Smith and, 9 - - "Keep all you have," 17 - - Kemble, Fanny, quoted, 1, _et seq._ - - _Kenelm Chillingly_, quoted, 39 - - Kenny, _mot_ by, 156 - - "Kill him where he is," 147 - - _King Arthur_, quoted, 17 - - Kingsley and Froude, 111 - - Knowles, Sheridan, anecdotes of, 9, _et seq._ - - - L. - - _Ladies in Parliament_, quoted, 13, _et seq._ - - Ladies' accomplishments, on, 132 - - _Lady of Lyons, the_, quoted, 130 - - Lafayette, Heine on, 227 - - Lake poets, the, 130 - - Lamb, Charles, _mots_ by, 22, _et seq._ - - Landor, Walter Savage, quoted, 64, _et seq._ - - Lang, Andrew, quoted, 20, _et seq._ - - La Rochefoucauld, quoted, 20, _et seq._ - - _Las Alforgas_, quoted, 160 - - Latest Decalogue, the, 218 - - _Latter-Day Lyrics_, quoted, 101 - - Laughter, Byron on, 96 - - "Lays of now-a-days," 67 - - Leigh, H. S., quoted, 44, _et seq._ - - Leland, C. G., quoted, 86, _et seq._ - - _Letters to Julia_, quoted, 39 - - Lettuce and conversation, 169 - - Life described, 203 - - Lindsay, Lady Charlotte, _mots_ by, 70, _et seq._ - - Lingendes, Jean de, quoted, 151 - - _Literary Gazette, the_, quoted, 97 - - "Literature suited to desolate islands", 178 - - "Little Billee," quoted, 217 - - "Little knowledge, a," 95 - - "Livy was Tacitus," 122 - - Locker, Frederick, quoted, 8, _et seq._ - - Lockhart, J. G., quoted, 141 - - London, Morris on, 4 - - _---- Lyrics_, quoted, 8, _et seq._ - - Longfellow, quoted, 117 - - "Look to settlements," 145 - - _Lothair_, quoted, 6, _et seq._ - - Lot's wife, Hicks on, 2 - - Love and marriage, 31, 99, 159, 168 - - ---- and wisdom, 174 - - ----, Chamfort on, 55 - - ----, Corporal Bunting on, 152 - - ----, first and second, 195 - - ----, first, Bernal on, 112 - - _---- for Love_, quoted, 77 - - ---- -letters, 158 - - "---- levels all," 239 - - ---- -making, Balzac on, 4 - - ----, manifestations of, 127 - - ---- song, by H. Smith, 18 - - "Lovely woman, lump of folly," 184 - - "Love's but a dance," 27 - - Lowell, J. R., quoted, 30, _et seq._ - - Lucilius, quoted, 208 - - Luck, good and bad, 150 - - "Luke-warm," 117 - - Luttrell, Henry, _mots_ by, 23, _et seq._; - quoted, 39 - - Lying and good breeding, 77 - - _Lyra Urbanica_, quoted, 4, _et seq._ - - Lytton, Lord, quoted, 8, _et seq._ - - - M. - - "Macadamnable," 254 - - Macaulay, Lord, quoted, 2, _et seq._ - - MacCulloch, _mot_ by, 219 - - Mackay, Charles, quoted, 68 - - _Macmillan's Magazine_, quoted, 33, _et seq._ - - Macready, W. C., quoted, 75 - - Magnanimity, Hazlitt on, 15 - - "Maidens of the mart," 19 - - Mallock, W. H., quoted, 46, _et seq._ - - Man of business, the, 75 - - _---- of Taste, the_, quoted, 48 - - Man's end, 30 - - _Margaret Percival_, quoted, 15 - - Marie-Louise, 227 - - Marriage, Shirley Brooks on, 55; - Mrs. Steele on, 58; - Selden on, 71, 95; - Chamfort on, 79 - - Martial, in London, 169; - quoted, 221 - - Matrimony, Heine on, 171 - - Matter, the laws of, 46 - - _Maximes_, Chamfort's, quoted, 13, _et seq._ - - Men, George Eliot on, 249 - - Men's nature, Buxton on, 27 - - Mendelssohn, anecdote of, 133 - - Meredith, George, quoted, 31 - - Merit, how treated, 28 - - Merry Wives of Windsor, the, 186 - - _Middlemarch_, quoted, 21, _et seq._ - - Middleton, Lord, anecdote of, 172 - - _Mill on the Floss, the_, quoted, 17, _et seq._ - - Mind and Matter, Neaves on, 140 - - Minorities, the rights of, 208 - - _Mistura Curiosa_, quoted, 147, _et seq._ - - Mitford, Miss, quoted, 67, _et seq._ - - "Mixture as before, the," 244 - - _Modern Love_, quoted, 31 - - _Money_, quoted, 60 - - ----, Clough on, 163 - - Monk Lewis, anecdote of, 54 - - Montrond, _mots_ by, 168, _et seq._ - - Moore, Thomas, quoted, 9, _et seq._ - - Morality, H. Smith on, 51 - - Mormons, on the, 197 - - Morris, Charles, quoted, 4, _et seq._ - - "Most music-hall," 243 - - Mothers-in-law, 146, 247 - - _Musa Burschicosa_, quoted, 45, _et seq._ - - "My Lord," 183 - - _My Summer in a Garden_, quoted, 47, _et seq._ - - - N. - - Narrow-souled people, 264 - - Neaves, Lord, quoted, 8, _et seq._ - - Neilson, Miss, on, 67 - - "Never read," 89 - - Newell, R. H., quoted, 26, _et seq._ - - Newgate Windows, on, 229 - - _New Paul and Virginia_, quoted, 46, _et seq._ - - _---- Republic, the_, quoted, 92, _et seq._ - - Newspapers, Lord Beaconsfield on, 152 - - Nice, on the word, 229 - - North, Lord, _mot_ by, 67 - - Northern lights, on, 58 - - _Notes of thought_, quoted, 27, _et seq._ - - "Nothing is, and nothing's not," 53 - - "---- new," 47 - - "---- particular on my mind," 40 - - Novel, A Nutshell, 119 - - ----, a sensation, described, 93 - - November, Planché on, 203 - - Number One, Lytton on, 50 - - - O. - - O'Connell, Morgan John, _mot_ by, 70 - - _Old Bachelor, the_, quoted, 178 - - _Old Times and Distant Places_, quoted, 34 - - Oliphant, Lawrence, quoted. 35, _et seq._ - - _Once a Week_, quoted, 9, _et seq._ - - Onion, the, 47 - - "---- is strength," 105 - - Orange, the, 156 - - _Orpheus C. Kerr Papers_, quoted, 26, _et seq._ - - Original sin, 231 - - Outram, George, quoted, 179 - - Overbury, Sir Thomas, quoted, 104 - - _Owl, the_, quoted, 64 - - - P. - - Palladas, quoted, 59, _et seq._ - - _Pall Mall Gazette, the_, quoted, 53, _et seq._ - - Palmerston, Lord, _mot_ by, 85 - - _Paradise of Birds, the_, quoted, 153 - - "_Parcus_ deorum cultor," 73 - - Parr, Dr., Basil Montague on, 129 - - Pascal, quoted, 240 - - _Patchwork_, quoted, 45, _et seq._ - - _Patience_, quoted, 88, _et seq._ - - Patrons' promises, Lord Holland on, 51 - - _Paul Clifford_, quoted, 8 - - Peel, Sir Robert, _mot_ by, 111 - - _Pelham_, quoted, 18 - - Pennell, H. Cholmondeley, quoted, 16, _et seq._ - - _Pensées_, Pascal's, quoted, 240 - - Permissive Bill, the, 203 - - "Personal" and "real," 32 - - _Phantasmagoria_, quoted, 85, _et seq._ - - Phoebe, to, 187 - - Phryne, Donne on, 48 - - _Physiologie du Mariage_, quoted, 4, _et seq._ - - _Piccadilly_, quoted, 35, _et seq._ - - "Pickle your lordship!" 247 - - Picnic party, a, 15, 86 - - Pictures, seeing, 151 - - Piety and cooking, 112 - - _Pirates of Penzance, the_, quoted, 58 - - "Plain leg of mutton," 55 - - Planché, J. R., quoted, 9, _et seq._ - - Pleasing, the art of, 31 - - Pleasure of not going to church, the, 254 - - Pleasures of the people, the, 234 - - Plunket, _mots_ by, 32, _et seq._ - - _Poems and Music_, quoted, 49, _et seq._ - - _Poetical Farrago, the_, quoted, 154 - - Poets' meaning, Byron on, 21 - - Poisoners, social, 110 - - "Policeman's lot, the," 209 - - Pommery Gréno, 193 - - Poole, _mot_ by, 161 - - Poor relations, George Eliot on, 43 - - Pope, Alexander, quoted, 42, _et seq._ - - Popular man, a, 122 - - Positivists, the, Collins on, 108, 138 - - Poverty, on, 85; - the ancients on, 8 - - Practical man, a, 49 - - "Practising all night," 35 - - Praed, W. M., quoted, 128 - - Praise, La Rochefoucauld on, 20 - - Preaching, Baron Alderson on, 174 - - Preoccupied man, a, 129 - - Presbyterian singing, 215 - - Pride of talent, 73 - - "Priest's orders," 61 - - Prigs, 120 - - Prima donna, the, and stout, 5 - - Primitive man, Lang on, 20 - - ---- tongue, the, 49 - - Princess-robe, the, 84 - - Privileged person, a, 250 - - "Pro conibus calidis," 68 - - Procter, Bryan Waller, quoted, 35 - - Property in England, 165 - - Prophecy, a mistake, 239 - - Prospectus, 41 - - _Proverbs in Porcelain_, quoted, 27, _et seq._ - - Public dinners, Helps on, 44 - - Public-house, on a, 90 - - _Puck on Pegasus_, quoted, 16, _et seq._ - - _Punch_, quoted, 228, _et seq._ - - Punsters, Lamb on, 246 - - Pygmalion, on, 5 - - - Q. - - _Question d'Argent, la_, quoted, 87 - - - R. - - Radical, on a certain, 215 - - ---- reformer, on a, 23 - - Rank and trade, on, 5 - - Recognition, the, 183 - - _Recollections_, Berkeley's, quoted, 142 - - ----, Gronow's, quoted, 10, _et seq._ - - ----, Mackay's, quoted, 68, _et seq._ - - ----, Planché's, quoted, 9, _et seq._ - - _Record of a Girlhood_, quoted, 1, _et seq._ - - Reece, Robert, quoted, 57, _et seq._ - - _Réflexions_, Deshoulières', quoted, 37 - - ----, La Rochefoucauld's, 20, _et seq._ - - ----, Vauvenargues', quoted, 65, _et seq._ - - Reliable, on the word, 170 - - Religion, Selden on, 176 - - ---- of humanity, the, 242 - - _Reminiscences_, Boyd's, quoted, 56, _et seq._ - - ----, Teignmouth's, 36, _et seq._ - - Repentance, La Rochefoucauld on, 59; - Hazlitt on, 60 - - Retz, Cardinal de, quoted, 96 - - Reynolds, Hamilton, _mot_ by, 133 - - _Richelieu_, quoted, 76 - - "Rise up, cold reverend," 83 - - Robinson, Crabb, quoted, 24, _et seq._ - - Rogers, Samuel, quoted, 1, _et seq._; - _mots_ by, 21, _et seq._ - - Romances, Byron on, 177 - - _Romola_, quoted, 6, _et seq._ - - "Rose kissed me to-day," 48 - - Rose, Sir George, _mots_ by, 33, _et seq._ - - Rossini, anecdotes of, 76, _et seq._ - - Routh, Dr., _mot_ by, 86 - - "Rum and true religion," 159 - - - S. - - "Saddest when I sing," 16 - - Safety in numbers, 98 - - Saints and sinners, 81 - - Salad, Mortimer Collins on, 236 - - Satan a blunderer, 225 - - Saunders and Otley, 94 - - Savile Clarke, H., quoted, 125, _et seq._ - - Sawyer, William, quoted, 65, _et seq._ - - Saxe, John Godfrey, quoted, 10, _et seq._ - - Scandal, on, 196 - - Scotch economy, 40 - - Scotch tunes, 152 - - Scotch weather, on, 205 - - _Season, the_, quoted, 19, _et seq._ - - Sègur, Comte de, quoted, 87 - - Selden, John, quoted, 11, _et seq._ - - Self-satisfaction, 235 - - Sensible men, the religion of, 146 - - Sermons, stolen, 258, 259 - - "Sermons and soda-water," 150 - - Sewell, Miss, quoted, 15 - - "Shade over, a," 226 - - Shakespeare, quoted, 10 - - Shelburne, Lord, _mot_ by, 159 - - Shenstone, William, quoted, 44, _et seq._ - - Sheridan, R. B., quoted, 37; - _mot_ by, 65 - - "Shickspur," 37 - - _Shotover Papers, the_, quoted, 83, _et seq._ - - Sidey, J. A., quoted, 147 - - Sinclair, Archdeacon, quoted, 34 - - "Sing for the garish eye," 14 - - Singer, on a bad, 76 - - "Singing singers, the," 87 - - _Sketches and Characters_, quoted, 23, _et seq._ - - Smith, Horace, quoted, 18, _et seq._; - _mot_ by, 25 - - ----, James, _mot_ by, 213; - quoted, 34, _et seq._ - - ----, Robert, _mots_ by, 2, _et seq._ - - ----, Sydney, _mots_ by, 1, _et seq._ - - Societies, Chesterfield on, 208 - - Society, a state of war, 231 - - Society, two classes in, 120 - - _Songs and Poems_, Planché's, quoted, 75, _et seq._ - - _Songs and Verses_, Neaves's, quoted, 8, _et seq._ - - _---- of many Seasons_, quoted, 5, _et seq._ - - _---- of Singularity_, quoted, 32, _et seq._ - - _Sorcerer, the_, quoted, 61 - - Southesk, Lord, quoted, 230 - - Speculation, George Eliot on, 52 - - ---- and peculation, 210 - - "Splendid shilling, the," 260 - - Squinted, on one who, 207 - - Steele, Mrs. A. C., quoted, 5, _et seq._ - - Stephens, H. P., quoted, 127, _et seq._ - - Stuart Mill on Mind and Matter, 140 - - Stupid people, on, 179 - - Stupidity, Heine on, 159 - - Suckling, Sir John, quoted, 98 - - Sunday dismality, 123 - - Swift, Jonathan, quoted, 49, _et seq._ - - - T. - - _Table Talk_, Selden's, quoted, 11, _et seq._ - - Tailors, Overbury on, 104 - - "Take him for half and half," 68 - - Talleyrand, _mot_ by, 10 - - Teignmouth, Lord, quoted, 36, _et seq._ - - Temper, on losing, 138 - - "Tender ten," 53 - - Tennyson, Alfred, quoted, 148; - anecdote of, 132 - - ----, after, 260 - - Thackeray, _mots_ by, 46, _et seq._; - quoted, 55 - - Theatrical nuisance, on a, 220 - - Theophilus, Rogers on, 1 - - Theory, a favourite, 248 - - Thurlow, Lord, _mot_ by, 72 - - "Tide of time, the," 107 - - Tierney, _mot_ by, 136 - - Time, on, 253 - - _Tin Trumpet, the_, quoted, 18, _et seq._ - - "Tommy Onslow", 46 - - Tom Thumb, 258 - - _Tom Thumb_, quoted, 56 - - "Too much--too much," 136 - - "To sniggle or to dibble," 175 - - "To urn or not to urn," 65 - - Town and country, 128 - - Townshend, Henry, quoted, 130 - - Tradition, George Eliot on, 76 - - Tragedies and comedies, 124 - - Trapp, Dr., epigram on, 154 - - Traveller, the, and the gorilla, 60 - - Travelling, on, 180 - - Trevelyan, G. O., quoted, 13, _et seq._ - - _Trial by Jury_, quoted, 43 - - "Trifles," on, 214 - - Turner, Godfrey, quoted, 20 - - Turnips, Mark Twain on, 19 - - Twain, Mark, quoted, 19, _et seq._ - - 'Twas ever thus, 198 - - Tweeddale, Lady, story of, 2 - - _Twelfth Night_, quoted, 10 - - "Twinkle, twinkle, little bat," 97 - - Tyndall, Professor, Collins on, 192 - - - U. - - Umbrellas, on, 240 - - _University Magazine, the_, quoted, 38 - - "Upper G., my," 139 - - - V. - - Vanity, 143, 116 - - Vauvenargues, quoted, 65, _et seq._ - - _Veiled Prophet, the_, parody on, 222 - - Veracity, George Eliot on, 68 - - _Verses and Translations_, quoted, 5, _et seq._ - - "Vexation of spirit," 35 - - _Vignettes in Rhyme_, quoted, 11, _et seq._ - - Virtutem, in, 196 - - "Voice of the lobster," 42 - - Voltaire, quoted, 34; - Charles Lamb on, 220 - - - W. - - Walpole, Horace, quoted, 2, _et seq._ - - Walrus and the Carpenter, the, 158 - - Ward, Artemus, quoted, 7, _et seq._ - - Warner, Charles Dudley, quoted, 47, _et seq._ - - Warrender, Sir George, story of, 239 - - Washington, George, Mark Twain on, 185 - - Water, Lord Neaves on, 181 - - Weather, the clerk of the, 249 - - Webbe, Egerton, quoted, 170 - - "Wedlock is a sober thing," 262 - - "Weed, the," Neaves on, 70 - - Welsh language, the, 238 - - Werther and Charlotte, 166 - - Whiting and the snail, the, 7 - - Whately, anecdotes of, 3, _et seq._ - - _What will he do with it?_ quoted, 89, _et seq._ - - "When other lips," 190 - - "Whims and oddities," 3, _et seq._ - - Whitings or shoeblacks, 256 - - "Why the Dickens," 16 - - Wife, a, 108 - - "Wife who preaches, a," 135 - - Wife's dress, a, 227 - - "Wife's a widdy, his," 101 - - "Wilcox or Gibbs?" 21 - - _Wit and Humour_, Brooks's, quoted, 6, _et seq._ - - Wit of a family, the, 257 - - _Within an Ace_, quoted, 171 - - Wives, on, 167 - - Woman, a, with babbies, 196 - - ---- before marriage, 245 - - Woman's choice, 143 - - ---- self-love, 163 - - Women and a secret, 76 - - ---- and books, 217, 130 - - ---- and degrees, 104 - - ---- and fact, 41 - - ---- and flattery, 114, 132 - - ---- and insincerity, 163 - - ----, and men's happiness, 126 - - ----, and men's praise, 126 - - ---- and revenge, 54 - - ---- and spite, 107 - - ---- and their lovers, 13, 77 - - ---- and wills, 92 - - ----, and young and old, 120 - - ---- as unionists, 151 - - ----, Bartle Massey on, 175 - - ----, Congreve on, 243 - - ---- in a garden, 247 - - ----, management of, 39 - - ---- matched with men, 160 - - ----, talkativeness of, 131 - - ----, the two passions of, 125 - - Women's conversation, 49 - - ---- rights, 86 - - ---- virtue, 135, 205 - - Working by the hour, 139 - - Working-man, the, 161 - - _World, the_, quoted, 76 - - Wraxall, Sir Nathaniel, quoted, 138 - - Writing-master, on a left-handed, 173 - - "Wus, ever wus," 78 - - - Y. - - Yates, Edmund, quoted, 106, _et seq._ - - _Yesterdays with authors_, quoted, 14, _et seq._ - - Young, Brigham, 157 - - ----, J. C., quoted, 4, _et seq._ - - ---- ladies of to-day, 137 - - ---- men of to-day, 93 - - -PRINTED BY WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED, LONDON AND BECCLES. - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Quips and Quiddities, by William Davenport Adams - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES *** - -***** This file should be named 41713-8.txt or 41713-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/1/7/1/41713/ - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Eric Skeet and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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