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diff --git a/41256-0.txt b/41256-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..295085f --- /dev/null +++ b/41256-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7638 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41256 *** + + MEMOIRS OF + EMMA COURTNEY + + + MARY HAYS + + + + +CONTENTS + + + Preface xvii + + Volume I 1 + + Chapter I 6 + Chapter II 8 + Chapter III 11 + Chapter IV 14 + Chapter V 16 + Chapter VI 18 + Chapter VII 20 + Chapter VIII 24 + Chapter IX 26 + Chapter X 28 + Chapter XI 31 + Chapter XII 33 + Chapter XIII 37 + Chapter XIV 41 + Chapter XV 46 + Chapter XVI 52 + Chapter XVII 55 + Chapter XVIII 59 + Chapter XIX 62 + Chapter XX 65 + Chapter XXI 68 + Chapter XXII 71 + Chapter XXIII 73 + Chapter XXIV 76 + Chapter XXV 79 + Chapter XXVI 84 + Chapter XXVII 88 + Chapter XXVIII 92 + + + Volume II 95 + + Chapter I 98 + Chapter II 102 + Chapter III 105 + Chapter IV 109 + Chapter V 112 + Chapter VI 118 + Chapter VII 121 + Chapter VIII 129 + Chapter IX 133 + Chapter X 137 + Chapter XI 141 + Chapter XII 144 + Chapter XIII 151 + Chapter XIV 154 + Chapter XV 157 + Chapter XVI 162 + Chapter XVII 164 + Chapter XVIII 167 + Chapter XIX 171 + Chapter XX 173 + Chapter XXI 176 + Chapter XXII 181 + Chapter XXIII 184 + Chapter XXIV 187 + Chapter XXV 190 + Chapter XXVI 192 + Chapter XXVII 196 + + + + +PREFACE + + +The most interesting, and the most useful, fictions, are, perhaps, such, +as delineating the progress, and tracing the consequences, of one +strong, indulged, passion, or prejudice, afford materials, by which the +philosopher may calculate the powers of the human mind, and learn the +springs which set it in motion--'Understanding, and talents,' says +Helvetius, 'being nothing more, in men, than the produce of their +desires, and particular situations.' Of the passion of terror Mrs +Radcliffe has made admirable use in her ingenious romances.--In the +novel of Caleb Williams, curiosity in the hero, and the love of +reputation in the soul-moving character of Falkland, fostered into +ruling passions, are drawn with a masterly hand. + +For the subject of these Memoirs, a more universal sentiment is chosen--a +sentiment hackneyed in this species of composition, consequently more +difficult to treat with any degree of originality;--yet, to accomplish +this, has been the aim of the author; with what success, the public +will, probably, determine. + +Every writer who advances principles, whether true or false, that have a +tendency to set the mind in motion, does good. Innumerable mistakes have +been made, both moral and philosophical:--while covered with a sacred and +mysterious veil, how are they to be detected? From various combinations +and multiplied experiments, truth, only, can result. Free thinking, and +free speaking, are the virtue and the characteristics of a rational +being:--there can be no argument which mitigates against them in +one instance, but what equally mitigates against them in all; every +principle must be doubted, before it will be examined and proved. + +It has commonly been the business of fiction to pourtray characters, not +as they really exist, but, as, we are told, they ought to be--a sort of +_ideal perfection_, in which nature and passion are melted away, and +jarring attributes wonderfully combined. + +In delineating the character of Emma Courtney, I had not in view these +fantastic models: I meant to represent her, as a human being, loving +virtue while enslaved by passion, liable to the mistakes and weaknesses +of our fragile nature.--Let those readers, who feel inclined to judge +with severity the extravagance and eccentricity of her conduct, look +into their own hearts; and should they there find no record, traced by +an accusing spirit, to soften the asperity of their censures--yet, let +them bear in mind, that the errors of my heroine were the offspring +of sensibility; and that the result of her hazardous experiment is +calculated to operate as a _warning_, rather than as an example.--The +philosopher--who is not ignorant, that light and shade are more +powerfully contrasted in minds rising above the common level; that, +as rank weeks take strong root in a fertile soil, vigorous powers not +unfrequently produce fatal mistakes and pernicious exertions; that +character is the produce of a lively and constant affection--may, +possibly, discover in these Memoirs traces of reflection, and of +some attention to the phænomena of the human mind. + +Whether the incidents, or the characters, are copied from life, is of +little importance--The only question is, if the _circumstances_, and +situations, are altogether improbable? If not--whether the consequences +_might_ not have followed from the circumstances?--This is a grand +question, applicable to all the purposes of education, morals, and +legislation--_and on this I rest my moral_--'Do men gather figs of +thorns, or grapes of thistles?' asked a moralist and a reformer. + +Every _possible_ incident, in works of this nature, might, perhaps, be +rendered _probable_, were a sufficient regard paid to the more minute, +delicate, and connecting links of the chain. Under this impression, I +chose, as the least arduous, a simple story--and, even in that, the +fear of repetition, of prolixity, added, it may be, to a portion of +indolence, made me, in some parts, neglectful of this rule:--yet, in +tracing the character of my heroine from her birth, I had it in view. +For the conduct of my hero, I consider myself less responsible--it was +not _his_ memoirs that I professed to write. + +I am not sanguine respecting the success of this little publication. It +is truly observed, by the writer of a late popular novel[1]--'That an +author, whether good or bad, or between both, is an animal whom every +body is privileged to attack; for, though all are not able to write +books, all conceive themselves able to judge them. A bad composition +carries with it its own punishment--contempt and ridicule:--a good one +excites envy, and (frequently) entails upon its author a thousand +mortifications.' + + [Footnote 21: The Monk.] + +To the feeling and the thinking few, this production of an active +mind, in a season of impression, rather than of leisure, is presented. + + + + +_Memoirs of Emma Courtney_ + + +VOLUME 1 + + + + +TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY + + +Rash young man!--why do you tear from my heart the affecting narrative, +which I had hoped no cruel necessity would ever have forced me to +review?--Why do you oblige me to recall the bitterness of my past life, +and to renew images, the remembrance of which, even at this distant +period, harrows up my soul with inconceivable misery?--But your happiness +is at stake, and every selfish consideration vanishes.--Dear and sacred +deposit of an adored and lost friend!--for whose sake I have consented +to hold down, with struggling, suffocating reluctance, the loathed +and bitter portion of existence;--shall I expose your ardent mind to +the incessant conflict between truth and error--shall I practise the +disingenuousness, by which my peace has been blasted--shall I suffer +you to run the wild career of passion--shall I keep back the recital, +written upon my own mind in characters of blood, which may preserve the +child of my affections from destruction? + +Ah! why have you deceived me?--Has a six months' absence obliterated from +your remembrance the precept I so earnestly and incessantly laboured to +inculcate--the value and importance of unequivocal sincerity? A precept, +which I now take shame to myself for not having more implicitly observed! +Had I supposed your affection for Joanna more than a boyish partiality; +had I not believed that a few months' absence would entirely erase it +from your remembrance; had I not been assured that her heart was devoted +to another object, a circumstance of which she had herself frankly +informed you; I should not now have distrusted your fortitude, when +obliged to wound your feelings with the intelligence--that the woman, +whom you have so wildly persecuted, was, yesterday, united to another. + + + + +TO THE SAME + +I resume my pen. Your letter, which Joanna a few days since put into my +hands, has cost me--Ah! my Augustus, my friend, my son--what has it not +cost me, and what impressions has it not renewed? I perceive the vigour +of your mind with terror and exultation. But you are mistaken! Were it +not for the insuperable barrier that separates you, for ever, from your +hopes, perseverance itself, however active, however incessant, may fail +in attaining its object. Your ardent reasoning, my interesting and +philosophic young friend, though not unconsequential, is a finely +proportioned structure, resting on an airy foundation. The science of +morals is not incapable of demonstration, but we want a more extensive +knowledge of particular facts, on which, in any given circumstance, +firmly to establish our data.--Yet, be not discouraged; exercise your +understanding, think freely, investigate every opinion, disdain the rust +of antiquity, raise systems, invent hypotheses, and, by the absurdities +they involve, seize on the clue of truth. Rouse the nobler energies of +your mind; be not the slave of your passions, neither dream of eradicating +them. Sensation generates interest, interest passion, passion forces +attention, attention supplies the powers, and affords the means of +attaining its end: in proportion to the degree of interest, will be that +of attention and power. Thus are talents produced. Every man is born +with sensation, with the aptitude of receiving impressions; the force of +those impressions depends on a thousand circumstances, over which he +has little power; these circumstances form the mind, and determine the +future character. We are all the creatures of education; but in that +education, what we call chance, or accident, has so great a share, that +the wisest preceptor, after all his cares, has reason to tremble: one +strong affection, one ardent incitement, will turn, in an instant, the +whole current of our thoughts, and introduce a new train of ideas and +associations. + +You may perceive that I admit the general truths of your reasoning; +but I would warn you to be careful in their particular application; a +long train of patient and laborious experiments must precede our +deductions and conclusions. The science of mind is not less demonstrative, +and far more important, than the science of Newton; but we must proceed +on similar principles. The term _metaphysics_ has been, perhaps, justly +defined--the first _principles of arts and sciences_.[2] Every discovery +of genius, resulting from a fortunate combination of circumstances, may +be resolved into simple facts; but in this investigation we must be +patient, attentive, indefatigable; we must be content to arrive at truth +through many painful mistakes and consequent sufferings.--Such appears +to be the constitution of man! + + [Footnote 2: Helvetius.] + +To shorten and meliorate your way, I have determined to sacrifice every +inferior consideration. I have studied your character: I perceive, with +joy, that its errors are the ardent excesses of a generous mind. I loved +your father with a fatal and unutterable tenderness: time has softened +the remembrance of his faults.--Our noblest qualities, without incessant +watchfulness, are liable insensibly to shade into vices--but his virtues +and _misfortunes_, in which my own were so intimately blended, are +indelibly engraven on my heart. + +A mystery has hitherto hung over your birth. The victim of my own ardent +passions, and the errors of one whose memory will ever be dear to me, I +prepare to withdraw the veil--a veil, spread by an importunate, but, I +fear, a mistaken tenderness. Learn, then, from the incidents of my life, +entangled with those of his to whom you owe your existence, a more +striking and affecting lesson than abstract philosophy can ever afford. + + + + +CHAPTER I + + +The events of my life have been few, and have in them nothing very +uncommon, but the effects which they have produced on my mind; yet, that +mind they have helped to form, and this in the eye of philosophy, or +affection, may render them not wholly uninteresting. While I trace them, +they convince me of the irresistible power of circumstances, modifying +and controuling our characters, and introducing, mechanically, those +associations and habits which make us what we are; for without outward +impressions we should be nothing. + +I know not how far to go back, nor where to begin; for in many cases, +it may be in all, a foundation is laid for the operations of our minds, +years--nay, ages--previous to our birth. I wish to be brief, yet to omit +no one connecting link in the chain of causes, however minute, that I +conceive had any important consequences in the formation of my mind, or +that may, probably, be useful to your's. + +My father was a man of some talents, and of a superior rank in life, but +dissipated, extravagant, and profligate. My mother, the daughter of a +rich trader, and the sole heiress of his fortunes, allured by the +specious address and fashionable manners of my father, sacrificed to +empty shew the prospect of rational and dignified happiness. My father +courted her hand to make himself master of her ample possessions: +dazzled by vanity, and misled by self-love, she married him;--found, +when too late, her error; bitterly repented, and died in child bed the +twelfth month of her marriage, after having given birth to a daughter, +and commended it, with her dying breath, to the care of a sister (the +daughter of her mother by a former marriage), an amiable, sensible, and +worthy woman, who had, a few days before, lost a lovely and promising +infant at the breast, and received the little Emma as a gift from +heaven, to supply its place. + +My father, plunged in expence and debauchery, was little moved by these +domestic distresses. He held the infant a moment in his arms, kissed it, +and willingly consigned it to the guardianship of its maternal aunt. + +It will here be necessary to give a sketch of the character, situation, +and family, of this excellent woman; each of which had an important +share in forming the mind of her charge to those dispositions, and +feelings, which irresistibly led to the subsequent events. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + +Mr and Mrs Melmoth, my uncle and aunt, married young, purely from +motives of affection. Mr Melmoth had an active, ardent mind, great +benevolence of heart, a sweet and chearful temper, and a liberal manner +of thinking, though with few advantages of education: he possessed, +also, a sanguine disposition, a warm heart, a generous spirit, and an +integrity which was never called in question. Mrs Melmoth's frame +was delicate and fragile; she had great sensibility, quickness of +perception, some anxiety of temper, and a refined and romantic manner +of thinking, acquired from the perusal of the old romances, a large +quantity of which, belonging to a relation, had, in the early periods of +her youth, been accidentally deposited in a spare room in her father's +house. These qualities were mingled with a devotional spirit, a little +bordering on fanatacism. My uncle did not exactly resemble an Orlando, +or an Oroondates, but he was fond of reading; and having the command of +a ship in the West India trade, had, during his voyages in fine weather, +time to indulge in this propensity; by which means he was a tolerable +proficient in the belles lettres, and could, on occasion, quote +Shakespeare, scribble poetry, and even philosophize with Pope and +Bolingbroke. + +Mr Melmoth was one-and-twenty, his bride nineteen, when they were +united. They possessed little property; but the one was enterprizing and +industrious, the other careful and oeconomical; and both, with hearts +glowing with affection for each other, saw cheering hope and fairy +prospects dancing before their eyes. Every thing succeeded beyond their +most sanguine expectations. My uncle's cheerful and social temper, with +the fairness and liberality of his dealings, conciliated the favour of +the merchants. His understanding was superior, and his manners more +courteous, than the generality of persons in his line of life: his +company was eagerly courted, and no vessel stood a chance of being +freighted till his had its full cargo. + +His voyages were not long, and frequent absences and meetings kept alive +between him and my aunt, the hopes, the fears, the anxieties, and the +transports of love. Their family soon increased, but this was a new +source of joy to Mr Melmoth's affectionate heart. A walk or a ride in +the country, with his wife and little ones, he accounted his highest +relaxation:--on these occasions he gave himself up to a sweet and lively +pleasure; would clasp them alternately to his breast, and with eyes +overflowing with tears of delight, repeat Thomson's charming description +of the joys of virtuous love-- + + 'Where nothing strikes the eye but sights of bliss, + All various nature pressing on the heart!' + +This was the first picture that struck my young imagination, for I was, +in all respects, considered as the adopted child of the family. + +This prosperity received little other interruption than from my uncle's +frequent absences, and the pains and cares of my aunt in bringing into +the world, and nursing, a family of children. Mr Melmoth's successful +voyages, at rather earlier than forty years of age, enabled him to leave +the sea, and to carry on an extensive mercantile employment in the +metropolis.--At this period his health began to be injured by the +progress of a threatening internal disorder; but it had little effect +either on his spirits or activity. His business every day became wider, +and his attention to it was unremitted, methodical, and indefatigable. +His hours of relaxation were devoted to his family and social enjoyment; +at these times he never suffered the cares of the counting-house to +intrude;--he was the life of every company, and the soul of every +pleasure. + +He at length assumed a more expensive style of living; took a house in +the country (for the charms of which he had ever a peculiar taste) as +a summer residence; set up an equipage, increased the number of his +servants, and kept an open and hospitable, though not a luxurious, +table. + +The hours fled on downy pinions; his wife rested on him, his children +caught sunshine from his smiles; his domestics adored him, and his +acquaintance vied with each other in paying him respect. His life, +he frequently repeated, had been a series of unbroken success. His +religion, for he laid no stress on forms, was a sentiment of grateful +and fervent love.--'_God is love_,' he would say, 'and the affectionate, +benevolent heart is his temple.' + + + + +CHAPTER III + + +It will now be necessary, for the development of my own particular +character, again to revert to earlier periods.--A few days before my +birth, my aunt had lost (as already related) a lovely female infant, +about four months old, and she received me, from the hands of my dying +mother, as a substitute.--From these tender and affecting circumstances +I was nursed and attended with peculiar care. My uncle's ship (it being +war time) was then waiting for a convoy at Portsmouth, where he was +joined by his wife: she carried me with her, and, tenderly watchful over +my safety, took me on all their little excursions, whether by sea or +land: I hung at her breast, or rested in her arms, and her husband, or +attendant, alternately relieved her.--Plump, smiling, placid, happy, I +never disturbed her rest, and the little Emma was the darling of her +kind guardians, and the plaything of the company. + +At the age at which it was thought necessary to wean me, I was sent +from my tender nurse for that purpose, and consigned to the care of a +stranger, with whom I quickly pined myself into a jaundice and bilious +fever. My aunt dare not visit me during this short separation, she was +unable to bear my piercing cries of anguish at her departure. If a +momentary sensation, at that infantine period, deserve the appellation, +I might call this my first affectionate sorrow. I have frequently +thought that the tenderness of this worthy woman generated in my infant +disposition that susceptibility, that lively propensity to attachment, +to which I have through life been a martyr. On my return to my friends, +I quickly regained my health and spirits; was active, blythsome, ran, +bounded, sported, romped; always light, gay, alert, and full of glee. +At church, (whither on Sunday I was accustomed to accompany the family) +I offended all the pious ladies in our vicinity by my gamesome tricks, +and avoided the reprimands of my indulgent guardians by the drollery and +good humour which accompanied them. + +When myself and my little cousins had wearied ourselves with play, their +mother, to keep us quiet in an evening, while her husband wrote letters in +an adjoining apartment, was accustomed to relate (for our entertainment) +stories from the Arabian Nights, Turkish Tales, and other works of +like marvellous import. She recited them circumstantially, and these I +listened to with ever new delight: the more they excited vivid emotions, +the more wonderful they were, the greater was my transport: they became +my favourite amusement, and produced, in my young mind, a strong desire +of learning to read the books which contained such enchanting stores of +entertainment. + +Thus stimulated, I learned to read quickly, and with facility. My uncle +took pleasure in assisting me; and, with parental partiality, thought +he discovered, in the ardour and promptitude with which I received his +instructions, the dawn of future talents. At six years old I read aloud +before company, with great applause, my uncle's favourite authors, Pope's +Homer, and Thomson's Seasons, little comprehending either. Emulation was +roused, and vanity fostered: I learned to recite verses, to modulate my +tones of voice, and began to think myself a wonderful scholar. + +Thus, in peace and gaiety, glided the days of my childhood. Caressed +by my aunt, flattered by her husband, I grew vain and self-willed; my +desires were impetuous, and brooked no delay; my affections were warm, +and my temper irascible; but it was the glow of a moment, instantly +subsiding on conviction, and when conscious of having committed +injustice, I was ever eager to repair it, by a profusion of caresses and +acknowledgements. Opposition would always make me vehement, and coercion +irritated me to violence; but a kind look, a gentle word, a cool +expostulation--softened, melted, arrested, me, in the full career of +passion. Never, but once, do I recollect having received a blow; but the +boiling rage, the cruel tempest, the deadly vengeance it excited, in my +mind, I now remember with shuddering. + +Every day I became more attached to my books; yet, not less fond of +active play; stories were still my passion, and I sighed for a romance +that would never end. In my sports with my companions, I acted over what +I had read: I was alternately the valiant knight--the gentle damsel--the +adventurous mariner--the daring robber--the courteous lover--and the +airy coquet. Ever inventive, my young friends took their tone from me. +I hated the needle:--my aunt was indulgent, and not an hour passed +unamused:--my resources were various, fantastic, and endless. Thus, for +the first twelve years of my life, fleeted my days in joy and innocence. +I ran like the hind, frisked like the kid, sang like the lark, was full +of vivacity, health, and animation; and, excepting some momentary bursts +of passion and impatience, awoke every day to new enjoyment, and retired +to rest fatigued with pleasure. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + +At this period, by the command of my father, I was sent to boarding +school.--Ah! never shall I forget the contrast I experienced. I was an +alien and a stranger;--no one loved, caressed, nor cared for me;--my +actions were all constrained;--I was obliged to sit poring over needle +work, and forbidden to prate;--my body was tortured into forms, my mind +coerced, and talks imposed upon me, grammar and French, mere words, that +conveyed to me no ideas. I loved my guardians with passion--my tastes +were all passions--they tore themselves from my embraces with difficulty. +I sat down, after their departure, and wept--bitter tears--sobbed +convulsively--my griefs were unheeded, and my sensibility ridiculed--I +neither gave nor received pleasure. After the rude stare of curiosity, +ever wounding to my feelings, was gratified, I was left to sob alone. + +At length, one young lady, with a fair face and a gentle demeanour, +came and seated herself beside me. She spoke, in a soft voice, words of +sympathy--my desolate heart fluttered at the sound. I looked at her--her +features were mild and sweet; I dried my tears, and determined that she +should be my friend.--My spirits became calmer, and for a short time I +indulged in this relief; but, on enquiry, I found my fair companion had +already a selected favourite, and that their amity was the admiration +of the school.--Proud, jealous, romantic--I could not submit to be the +second in her esteem--I shunned her, and returned her caresses with +coldness. + +The only mitigation I now felt to the anguish that had seized my +spirits, was in the hours of business. I was soon distinguished for +attention and capacity; but my governness being with-held, by an infirm +constitution, from the duties of her office, I was consigned, with my +companions, to ignorant, splenetic, teachers, who encouraged not my +emulation, and who sported with the acuteness of my sensations. In the +intervals from school hours I fought and procured books.--These were +often wantonly taken from me, as a punishment for the most trivial +offence; and, when my indignant spirit broke out into murmurs and +remonstrance, I was constrained to learn, by way of penance, chapters in +the Proverbs of Solomon, or verses from the French testament. To revenge +myself, I satirized my tyrants in doggrel rhymes: my writing master also +came in for a share of this little malice; and my productions, wretched +enough, were handed round the school with infinite applause. Sunk in +sullen melancholy, in the hours of play I crept into corners, and +disdained to be amused;--home appeared to me to be the Eden from which +I was driven, and there my heart and thoughts incessantly recurred. + +My uncle from time to time addressed to me--with little presents--kind, +pleasant, affectionate notes--and these I treasured up as sacred relics. +A visit of my guardians was a yet more tumultuous pleasure; but it +always left me in increased anguish. Some robberies had been committed +on the road to town.--After parting with my friends, I have laid awake +the whole night, conjuring up in my imagination all the tragic accidents +I had ever heard or read of, and persuading myself some of them must +have happened to these darling objects of my affection. + +Thus passed the first twelvemonth of my exile from all I loved; during +which time it was reported, by my school-fellows, that I had never been +seen to smile. After the vacations, I was carried back to my prison with +agonizing reluctance, to which in the second year I became, however, +from habit, better reconciled. I learned music, was praised and encouraged +by my master, and grew fond of it; I contracted friendships, and +regained my vivacity; from a forlorn, unsocial, being, I became, once +more, lively, active, enterprising,--the soul of all amusement, and the +leader of every innocently mischievous frolic. At the close of another +year I left school. I kept up a correspondence for some time with a few +of my young friends, and my effusions were improved and polished by my +paternal uncle. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + +This period, which I had anticipated with rapture, was soon clouded by +the gradual decay, and premature death, of my revered and excellent +guardian. He sustained a painful and tedious sickness with unshaken +fortitude;--with more, with chearfulness. I knelt by his bedside on the +day of his decease; and, while I bathed his hand with my tears, caught +hope from the sweet, the placid, serenity of his countenance, and could +not believe the terrors of dissolution near. + +'The last sentiment of my heart,' said he, 'is gratitude to the Being +who has given me so large a portion of good; and I resign my family into +his hands with confidence.' + +He awoke from a short slumber, a few minutes before his death.--'Emma,' +said he, in a faint voice, (as I grasped his cold hand between both +mine) turning upon me a mild, yet dying, eye, 'I have had a pleasant +sleep--Be a good girl, and comfort your aunt!'-- + +He expired without a groan, or a struggle--'His death was the serene +evening of a beautiful day!' I gazed on his lifeless remains, the day +before their interment, and the features still wore the same placid, +smiling benignity. I was then about fourteen years of age,--this first +emotion of real sorrow rent my heart asunder! + +The sensations of Mrs Melmoth were those of agonizing, suffocating +anguish:--the fair prospect of domestic felicity was veiled for ever! +This was the second strong impression which struck my opening mind. +Many losses occurred, in consequence of foreign connections, in the +settlement of Mr Melmoth's affairs.--The family found their fortunes +scanty, and their expectations limited:--their numerous fair-professing +acquaintance gradually deserted them, and they sunk into oeconomical +retirement; but they continued to be respectable, because they knew how +to contract their wants, and to preserve their independence. + +My aunt, oppressed with sorrow, could be roused only by settling the +necessary plans for the future provision of her family. Occupied with +these concerns, or absorbed in grief, we were left for some time to run +wild. Months revolved ere the tender sorrows of Mrs Melmoth admitted of +any mitigation: they at length yielded only to tender melancholy. My +wonted amusements were no more; a deep gloom was spread over our +once cheerful residence; my avidity for books daily increased; I +subscribed to a circulating library, and frequently read, or rather +devoured--little careful in the selection--from ten to fourteen novels +in a week. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + +My father satisfied himself, after the death of my beloved uncle, +with making a short and formal visit of condolence to the family, and +proposing either my return to school, or to pay an annual stipend (which +Mr and Mrs Melmoth had hitherto invariably refused) for defraying the +expences of my continuance and board with the amiable family by which I +had been so kindly nurtured. I shrunk from the cold and careless air +of a man whom I had never been able to teach my heart either to love +or honour; and throwing my arms round the neck of my maternal aunt, +murmured a supplication, mingled with convulsive sobs, that she would +not desert me. She returned my caresses affectionately, and entreated +my father to permit me to remain with her; adding, that it was her +determination to endeavour to rouse and strengthen her mind, for the +performance of those pressing duties--the education of her beloved +children, among whom she had ever accounted her Emma--which now devolved +wholly upon her. + +My father made no objection to this request; but observed, that +notwithstanding he had a very favourable opinion of her heart and +understanding, and considered himself indebted to her, and to her +deceased husband, for their goodness to Emma, he was nevertheless +apprehensive that the girl had been weakened and spoiled by their +indulgence;--that his own health was at present considerably +injured;--that it was probable he might not survive many years;--in +which case, he frankly confessed, he had enjoyed life too freely to be +able to make much provision for his daughter. It would therefore, he +conceived, be more judicious to prepare and strengthen my mind to +encounter, with fortitude, some hardships and rude shocks, to which +I might be exposed, than to foster a sensibility, which he already +perceived, with regret, was but too acute. For which purpose, he desired +I might spend one day in every week at his house in Berkley-square, when +he should put such books into my hands [he had been informed I had a +tolerable capacity] as he judged would be useful to me; and, in the +intervals of his various occupations and amusements, assist me himself +with occasional remarks and reflections. Any little accomplishments +which Mrs Melmoth might judge necessary for, and suitable to, a young +woman with a small fortune, and which required the assistance of a +master, he would be obliged to her if she would procure for me, and call +upon him to defray the additional expence. + +He then, looking on his watch, and declaring he had already missed an +appointment, took his leave, after naming Monday as the day on which he +should constantly expect my attendance in Berkley-square. + +Till he left the room I had not courage to raise my eyes from the +ground--my feelings were harrowed up--the tone of his voice was +discordant to my ears. The only idea that alleviated the horror of my +weekly punishment (for so I considered the visits to Berkley-square) +was the hope of reading new books, and of being suffered to range +uncountroled through an extensive and valuable library, for such I +had been assured was Mr Courtney's. I still retained my passion for +adventurous tales, which, even while at school, I was enabled to gratify +by means of one of the day-boarders, who procured for me romances from a +neighbouring library, which at every interval of leisure I perused with +inconceivable avidity. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + +The following Monday I prepared to attend Mr Courtney. On arriving at +his house, and announcing my name, a servant conducted me into his +master's dressing-room. I appeared before him with trembling steps, +downcast eyes, and an averted face. + +'Look up, child!' said my father, in an imperious tone. 'If you are +conscious of no crime, why all this ridiculous confusion?' + +I struggled with my feelings: the tone and manner in which I was +addressed gave me an indignant sensation:--a deeper suffusion than that +of modesty, the glow of wounded pride, burnt in my cheeks:--I turned +quick, gazed in the face of Mr Courtney with a steady eye, and spoke a +few words, in a firm voice, importing--that I attended by his desire, +and waited his direction. + +He regarded me with somewhat less _hauteur_, and, while he finished +dressing, interrogated me respecting the books I had read, and the +impression they had left on my mind. I replied with simplicity, and +without evasion. He soon discovered that my imagination had been left +to wander unrestrained in the fairy fields of fiction; but that, of +historical facts, and the science of the world, I was entirely ignorant. + +'It is as I apprehended,' said he:--'your fancy requires a _rein_ rather +than a _spur_. Your studies, for the future, must be of a soberer +nature, or I shall have you mistake my valet for a prince in disguise, +my house for a haunted castle, and my rational care for your future +welfare for barbarous tyranny.' + +I felt a poignant and suffocating sensation, too complicated to bear +analyzing, and followed Mr Courtney in silence to the library. My heart +bounded when, on entering a spacious room, I perceived on either side +a large and elegant assortment of books, regularly arranged in glass +cases, and I longed to be left alone, to expatiate freely in these +treasures of entertainment. But I soon discovered, to my inexpressible +mortification, that the cases were locked, and that in this intellectual +feast I was not to be my own purveyor. My father, after putting into +my hands the lives of Plutarch, left me to my meditations; informing +me, that he should probably dine at home with a few friends, at five +o'clock, when he should expect my attendance at the table. + +I opened my book languidly, after having examined through the glass +doors the titles of those which were with-held from me. I felt a kind +of disgust to what I considered as a task imposed, and read a few +pages carelessly, gazing at intervals through the windows into the +square.--But my attention, as I proceeded, was soon forcibly arrested, +my curiosity excited, and my enthusiasm awakened. The hours passed +rapidly--I perceived not their flight--and at five o'clock, when +summoned to dinner, I went down into the dining-room, my mind pervaded +with republican ardour, my sentiments elevated by a high-toned +philosophy, and my bosom glowing with the virtues of patriotism. + +I found with Mr Courtney company of both sexes, to whom he presented me +on my entrance. Their easy compliments disconcerted me, and I shrunk, +abashed, from the bold and curious eyes of the gentlemen. During the +repast I ate little, but listened in silence to every thing that passed. + +The theatres were the first topic of conversation, Venice Preserved had +been acted the preceding evening, and from discussing the play, the +conversation took a political turn. A gentleman that happened to be +seated next me, who spoke fluently, looking around him every moment for +approbation, with apparent self-applause, gave the discourse a tone of +gallantry, declaring--'Pierre to be a noble fellow, and that the loss +of a mistress was a sufficient excuse for treason and conspiracy, +even though the country had been deluged in blood and involved in +conflagration.' + +'And the mistresses of all his fellow citizens destroyed of course;'--said +a gentleman coolly, on the opposite side of the table. + +Oh! that was not a consideration, every thing must give place when put +in competition with certain feelings. 'What, young lady,' (suddenly +turning to me) 'do you think a lover would not risque, who was in fear +of losing you?' + +Good God! what a question to an admirer of the grecian heroes! I +started, and absolutely shuddered. I would have replied, but my words +died away upon my lips in inarticulate murmurs. My father observed and +enjoyed my distress. + +'The worthies of whom you have been reading, Emma, lived in ancient +times. Aristides the just, would have made but a poor figure among our +modern men of fashion!' + +'This lady reads, then,'--said our accomplished coxcomb--'Heavens, +Mr Courtney! you will spoil all her feminine graces; knowledge and +learning, are unsufferably masculine in a woman--born only for the soft +solace of man! The mind of a young lady should be clear and unsullied, +like a sheet of white paper, or her own fairer face: lines of thinking +destroy the dimples of beauty; aping the reason of man, they lose +the exquisite, _fascinating_ charm, in which consists their true +empire;--Then strongest, when most weak-- + + "Loveliest in their fears-- + And by this silent adulation, soft, + To their protection more engaging man." + +'Pshaw!' replied Mr Courtney, a little peevishly--'you will persuade +Emma, that the age of chivalry is not yet over; and that giants and +ravishers are as common now, as in the time of Charlemagne: a young +woman of sense and spirit needs no other protection; do not flatter the +girl into affectation and imbecility. If blank paper be your passion, +you can be at no loss; the town will supply quires and reams.' + +'There I differ from you,' said the gentleman on the opposite side of +the table; 'to preserve the mind a blank, we must be both deaf and +blind, for, while any inlet to perception remains, your paper will +infallibly contract characters of some kind, or be blotted and +scrawled!' + +'For God's sake! do not let us begin to philosophise,' retorted his +antagonist, who was not to be easily silenced. + +'I agree with you,'--rejoined the other--'_thinking_ is undoubtedly +very laborious, and _principle_ equally troublesome and impertinent.' + +I looked at him as he finished speaking, and caught his eye for a +moment; its expression methought was doubtful. The man of fashion +continued to expatiate in rhetorical periods--He informed us, that he +had fine feelings, but they never extended beyond selfish gratification. +For his part, he had as much humanity as any man, for which reason he +carefully avoided the scene or the tale of distress. He, likewise, had +his opinions, but their pliability rendered them convenient to himself, +and accommodating to his friends. He had courage to sustain fatigue and +hardship, when, not his country, but vanity demanded the exertion. It +was glorious to boast of having travelled two hundred miles in eight and +forty hours, and sat up three nights, to be present, on two succeeding +evenings, at a ball in distant counties. + +'This man,' I said to myself, while I regarded him with a look of +ineffable scorn--'takes a great deal of pains to render himself +ridiculous, he surely must have a vile heart, or a contemptible opinion +of mankind: if he be really the character he describes, he is a compound +of atrocity and folly, and a pest to the world; if he slanders himself, +what must be that state of society, the applause of which he persuades +himself is to be thus acquired?' I sighed deeply;--in either case the +reflection was melancholy;--my eyes enquired--'Am I to hate or to +despise you?' I know not whether he understood their language, but he +troubled me no more with his attentions. + +I reflected a little too seriously:--I have since seen many a prating, +superficial coxcomb, who talks to display his oratory--_mere words_ +--repeated by rote, to which few ideas are affixed, and which are +uttered and received with equal apathy. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + +During three years, I continued my weekly visits to Berkley square; I +was not always allowed to join the parties who assembled there, neither +indeed would it have been proper, for they were a motley groupe; when +permitted so to do, I collected materials for reflection. I had been +educated by my aunt, in strict principles of religion; many of Mr +Courtney's friends were men of wit and talents, who, occasionally, +discussed important subjects with freedom and ability: I never ventured +to mingle in the conversations, but I overcame my timidity sufficiently +to behave with propriety and composure; I listened attentively to all +that was said, and my curiosity was awakened to philosophic enquiries. + +Mr Courtney now entrusted me with the keys of the bookcases, through +which I ranged with ever new delight. I went through, by my father's +direction, a course of historical reading, but I could never acquire a +taste for this species of composition. Accounts of the early periods of +states and empires, of the Grecian and Roman republics, I pursued with +pleasure and enthusiasm: but when they became more complicated, grew +corrupt, luxurious, licentious, perfidious, mercenary, I turned from +them fatigued, and disgusted, and sought to recreate my spirits in the +fairer regions of poetry and fiction. + +My early associations rendered theology an interesting subject to me; I +read ecclesiastical history, a detail of errors and crimes, and entered +deeply into polemic divinity: my mind began to be emancipated, doubts +had been suggested to it, I reasoned freely, endeavoured to arrange and +methodize my opinions, and to trace them fearlessly through all their +consequences: while from exercising my thoughts with freedom, I seemed +to acquire new strength and dignity of character. I met with some of the +writings of Descartes, and was seized with a passion for metaphysical +enquiries. I began to think about the nature of the soul--whether it +was a composition of the elements, the result of organized matter, or +a subtle and etherial fire. + +In the course of my researches, the Heloise of Rousseau fell into my +hands.--Ah! with what transport, with what enthusiasm, did I peruse this +dangerous, enchanting, work!--How shall I paint the sensations that were +excited in my mind!--the pleasure I experienced approaches the limits of +pain--it was tumult--all the ardour of my character was excited.--Mr +Courtney, one day, surprised me weeping over the sorrows of the tender +St Preux. He hastily snatched the book from my hand, and, carefully +collecting the remaining volumes, carried them in silence to his chamber: +but the impression made on my mind was never to be effaced--it was even +productive of a long chain of consequences, that will continue to +operate till the day of my death. + +My time at this period passed rapidly and pleasantly. My father never +treated me with affection; but the austerity of his manner gradually +subsided. He gave me, occasionally, useful hints and instructions. +Without feeling for him any tenderness, he inspired me with a degree of +respect. The library was a source of lively and inexhaustible pleasure +to my mind; and, when admitted to the table of Mr Courtney, some new +character or sentiment frequently sharpened my attention, and afforded +me subjects for future enquiry and meditation. I delighted to expatiate, +when returning to the kind and hospitable mansion of my beloved aunt, +(which I still considered as my home) on the various topics which I had +collected in my little emigrations. I was listened to by my cousins with +a pleasure that flattered my vanity, and looked up to as a kind of +superior being;--a homage particularly gratifying to a young mind. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + +The excellent woman, who had been my more than mother, took infinite +pains to cure the foibles, which, like pernicious weeds, entangled +themselves with, and sometimes threatened to choak, the embryo blossoms +of my expanding mind. Ah! with what pleasure do I recall her beloved +idea to my memory! Fostered by her maternal love, and guided by her mild +reason, how placid, and how sweet, were my early days!--Why, my first, +my tenderest friend, did I lose you at that critical period of life, +when the harmless sports and occupations of childhood gave place to the +pursuits, the passions and the errors of youth?--With the eloquence of +affection, with gentle, yet impressive persuasion, thou mightest have +checked the wild career of energetic feeling, which thou hast so often +remarked with hope and terror. + +As I entered my eighteenth year, I lost, by a premature death, this +tender monitor. Never shall I forget her last emphatic, affectionate, +caution. + +'Beware, my dear Emma,' said this revered friend, 'beware of +strengthening, by indulgence, those ardent and impetuous sensations, +which, while they promise vigour of mind, fill me with apprehension +for the virtue, for the happiness of my child. I wish not that the +canker-worm, Distrust, should blast the fair fruit of your ripening +virtues. The world contains many benevolent, many disinterested, +spirits; but civilization is yet distempered and imperfect; the +inequalities of society, by fostering artificial wants, and provoking +jealous competitions, have generated selfish and hostile passions. +Nature has been vainly provident for her offspring, while man, with +mistaken avidity, grasping more than he has powers to enjoy, preys on +his fellow man:--departing from simple virtues, and simple pleasures, +in their stead, by common consent, has a wretched semblance been +substituted. Endeavour to contract your wants, and aspire only to +a rational independence; by exercising your faculties, still the +importunate suggestions of your sensibility; preserve your sincerity, +cherish the ingenuous warmth of unsophisticated feeling, but let +discernment precede confidence. I tremble even for the excess of those +virtues which I have laboured to cultivate in your lively and docile +mind. If I could form a wish for longer life, it is only for my children, +and that I might be to my Emma instead of reason, till her own stronger +mind matures. I dread, lest the illusions of imagination should +render those powers, which would give force to truth and virtue, the +auxiliaries of passion. Learn to distinguish, with accuracy, the good +and ill qualities of those with whom you may mingle: while you abhor the +latter, separate the being from his errors; and while you revere the +former, the moment that your reverence becomes personal, that moment, +suspect that your judgment is in danger of becoming the dupe of your +affections.' + +Would to God that I had impressed upon my mind--that I had recalled to +my remembrance more frequently--a lesson so important to a disposition +like mine!--a continual victim to the enthusiasm of my feelings; +incapable of approving, or disapproving, with moderation--the most +poignant sufferings, even the study of mankind, have been insufficient +to dissolve the powerful enchantment, to disentangle the close-twisted +associations!--But I check this train of overwhelming reflection, that +is every moment on the point of breaking the thread of my narration, and +obtruding itself to my pen. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + +Mr Courtney did not long survive the guardian of my infancy:--his +constitution had for some years been gradually impaired; and his death +was hastened by a continuance of habitual dissipation, which he had not +the resolution to relinquish, and to which his strength was no longer +equal. It was an event I had long anticipated, and which I contemplated +with a sensation of solemnity, rather than of grief. The ties of blood +are weak, if not the mere chimeras of prejudice, unless sanctioned by +reason, or cemented by habits of familiar and affectionate intercourse. +Mr Courtney refusing the title of father, from a conviction that his +conduct gave him no claim to this endearing appellation, had accustomed +me to feel for him only the respect due to some talents and good +qualities, which threw a veil over his faults. Courage and truth were +the principles with which he endeavoured to inspire me;--precepts, which +I gratefully acknowledge, and which forbid me to adopt the language of +affection, when no responsive sympathies exist in the heart. + +My eyes were yet moist with the tears that I had shed for the loss of my +maternal friend, when I received a hasty summons to Berkley-square. A +servant informed me, that his master was, at length, given over by his +physicians, and wished to speak to Miss Courtney, before his strength +and spirits were too much exhausted. + +I neither felt, nor affected, surprize at this intelligence, but threw +myself, without reply, into the carriage which had been dispatched for +my conveyance. + +On entering the house, a gloomy silence seemed to reign throughout the +late festive apartments; but, as I had seldom been a partaker of the +festivity, the contrast struck me less forcibly than it might otherwise +have done. My name was announced, and I was conducted, by the housekeeper, +to the chamber of her dying master, who, supported on pillows, breathed +with difficulty, but appeared to be free from pain, and tolerably +composed. I met the physician in the ante-chamber; who, on my requesting +earnestly to know the situation of his patient, informed me--That an +internal mortification had taken place, and that he could not survive +many hours. + +Approaching the bed, considerably shocked at the intelligence I had +received, Mr Courtney, in a low and faint voice, desired me to draw a +chair near him. I obeyed in silence. + +'Emma,' said he, 'I am about to quit a world, in which I have +experienced little sincere enjoyment; yet, I leave it reluctantly. Had I +been more temperate in my pleasures, perhaps, they might have been less +destructive, and more protracted. I begin to suspect, that I have made +some great mistakes; but it is now too late for retraction, and I will +not, in my last moments, contradict, by my example, the lesson of +fortitude, with which it has been a part of my plan to inspire you. +You have now, unprotected, the world to encounter; for, I will frankly +confess, that my affection for you has not been strong enough to induce +me to forego my own more immediate gratification: but I have never +deceived you. Your mother, when she married, reserved for her private +expences a thousand pounds, which, on her deathbed, she desired might +be invested in the funds on your account. This request I religiously +complied with, and there it has remained untouched; and, being purchased +in your name, you may claim it whenever you please. I have appointed +you no guardians; for, already in your nineteenth year and possessing +an understanding superior to your sex and age, I chose to leave you +unfettered, and at your own discretion. I spared from my pleasures what +money was requisite to complete your education; for having no fortune to +give you, and my health being precarious, I thought it just to afford +you every advantage for the improvement of those talents which you +evidently possess, and which must now enable you to make your way in the +world; for the scanty pittance, that the interest of your fortune will +produce, is, I doubt, insufficient for your support. Had I lived, it was +my intention to have established you by marriage; but that is a scheme, +to which, at present, I would not advise you to trust. Marriage, +generally speaking, in the existing state of things, must of necessity +be an affair of _finance_. My interest and introduction might have +availed you something; but mere merit, wit, or beauty, stand in need of +more powerful auxiliaries. My brother, Mr Morton[3], called on me this +morning:--he has agreed, for the present, to receive you into his +family, where you must endeavour to make yourself useful and agreeable, +till you can fix on a better and more independent plan. Finding me in so +low a state, your uncle would have waited a few days in town, to have +seen the result, and in case of the worst, to have taken you down with +him, but pressing business urged his departure. I would advise you, +immediately after my decease, to set out for Morton Park. Proper persons +are appointed to settle my affairs:--when every thing is turned into +money, there will, I trust, be sufficient to discharge my just debts; +but do not flatter yourself with the expectation of a surplus. Your +presence here, when I am no more, will be equally unnecessary and +improper.' + + [Footnote 3: Mr Courtney's brother had taken the name of + Morton, to qualify himself for the inheritance of an estate, + bequeathed to him by a distant relation.] + +This was said at intervals, and with difficulty; when, seeming quite +exhausted, he waved his hand for me to leave the room, and sunk into a +sort of dose, or rather stupor, which continued till within some minutes +of his decease. + +Mr Courtney had been, what is called, a man of pleasure:--he had passed +thro' life without ever loving any one but himself--intent, merely, +on gratifying the humour of the moment. A superior education, and +an attentive observance, not of rational, but, of social man, in an +extensive commerce with the world, had sharpened his sagacity; but he +was inaccessible to those kindlings of the affections--those glowings of +admiration--inspired by real, or fancied, excellence, which never fail +to expand and advance the minds of such as are capable of sketching, +with a daring hand, the dangerous picture:--or of those philosophic and +comprehensive views, which teach us to seek a reflected happiness in +benevolent exertions for the welfare of others. My mother, I suspected, +had been the victim of her husband's unkindness and neglect: wonder not, +then, that my heart revolted when I would have given him the tender +appellation of father! If he coldly acknowledged any little merits which +I possessed, he regarded them rather with jealousy than approbation; for +he felt that they tacitly reproached him. + +I will make no comment on the closing scene of his life. Among the +various emotions which had rapidly succeeded each other in my mind, +during his last address, surprize had no place; I had not then his +character to learn. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + +The small pittance bequeathed to me was insufficient to preserve me +from dependence.--_Dependence!_--I repeated to myself, and I felt my +heart die within me. I revolved in my mind various plans for my future +establishment.--I might, perhaps, be allowed to officiate, as an +assistant, in the school where I had been placed in my childhood, with +the mistress of which I still kept up an occasional correspondence; but +this was a species of servitude, and my mind panted for freedom, for +social intercourse, for scenes in motion, where the active curiosity of +my temper might find a scope wherein to range and speculate. What could +the interest of my little fortune afford? It would neither enable me +to live alone, nor even to board in a family of any respectability. My +beloved aunt was no more; her children were about to be dispersed, and +to form various connections. + +Cruel prejudices!--I exclaimed--hapless woman! Why was I not educated +for commerce, for a profession, for labour? Why have I been rendered +feeble and delicate by bodily constraint, and fastidious by artificial +refinement? Why are we bound, by the habits of society, as with an +adamantine chain? Why do we suffer ourselves to be confined within a +magic circle, without daring, by a magnanimous effort, to dissolve the +barbarous spell? + +A child in the drama of the world, I knew not which way to turn, nor on +what to determine. I wrote to Mr Morton, to enquire on what terms I was +to be received by his family. If merely as a visitor for a few weeks, +till I had time to digest my plans, I should meet, with pleasure, a +gentleman whose character I had been taught to respect; but I should not +consider myself as subject to controul. I ought, perhaps, to have been +satisfied with Mr Morton's answer to my interrogatories. + +He wished to embrace the daughter of his brother, his family would be +happy to render Morton Park agreeable to her, as long as she should +think proper to favour them by making it her residence. The young +ladies expected both pleasure and improvement from the society of +their accomplished kinswoman, &c. + +I believe I was unreasonable, the style of this letter was civil, nay +kind, and yet it appeared, to me, to want the vivifying principle--what +shall I say?--dictated merely by the head, it reached not the heart. + +The trials of my mind, I foreboded, were about to commence, I shrunk +from the world I had been so willing to enter, for the rude storms of +which I had been little fitted by the fostering tenderness of my early +guardians. Those ardent feelings and lively expectations, with all the +glowing landscapes which my mind had sketched of the varied pleasures +of society, while in a measure secluded from its enjoyments, gradually +melted into one deep, undistinguished shade. That sanguine ardour of +temper, which had hitherto appeared the predominant feature of my +character, now gave place to despondency. I wept, I suffered my tears +to flow unrestrained: the solemnity of the late events had seized my +spirits, and the approaching change filled me with solicitude. I +wandered over the scenes of my past pleasures, and recalled to my +remembrance, with a sad and tender luxury, a thousand little incidents, +that derived all their importance from the impossibility of their +renewal. I gazed on every object, _for the last time_--What is there in +these words that awakens our fanaticisms? I could have done homage to +these inanimate, and, till now, uninteresting objects; merely because I +should _see them no more_. + +How fantastic and how capricious are these sentiments! Ought I, or +ought I not, to blush while I acknowledge them? My young friends, also, +from whom I was about to separate myself!--how various might be our +destinies, and how unconscious were we of the future! Happy ignorance, +that by bringing the evils of life in succession, gradually inures us to +their endurance. + + 'Had I beheld the sum of ills, which one + By one, I have endured--my heart had broke.' + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + +The hour at length came, when, harrassed in body and in mind, I set out +for Morton Park. I travelled alone, and reached the end of my journey at +close of day. I entreated Mr Morton, who hastened to hand me from the +carriage, and welcome my arrival, that I might be permitted to retire +to my apartment, pleading fatigue, and wishing to wave the ceremony of +an introduction to the family till the next morning. My request was +obligingly granted, and a servant ordered to attend me to my chamber. + +Many years had elapsed since I had seen this family, and my judgment +was then so immature, that our meeting at the breakfast table had with +each of us, I believe, the force of a first impression. You know my +_fanaticism_ on these occasions. I will attempt an imperfect sketch of +the groupe, assembled in the saloon, to whom I was severally presented +on my entrance, by the lord of the domain. Mr Morton, himself, to whom +precedence is due, seemed to be about fifty years of age, was of the +middle stature, his features regular, and his countenance placid: he +spoke but little, but that little was always mild and often judicious. +He appeared not to be void of benevolent affections, and had the +character of a humane landlord, but his virtues were, in a great +measure, sunk in an habitual indolence of temper; he would sometimes +sacrifice his principles to his repose, though never to his interest. +His lady--no, I will not describe her; her character will, it may be, +unfold itself to you in future--Suffice it to say, that her person +was gross, her voice loud and discordant, and her features rugged: +she affected an air of openness and pleasantry; It may be prejudiced, +perhaps she did not _affect it_. Sarah Morton, the eldest of the +daughters, was about my age, she was under the middle height, fair, +plump, loquacious; there was a childish levity in her accent and +manners, which impressed strangers with an unfavourable opinion of her +understanding, but it was an acquired manner, for she was shrewd and +sensible. Ann, the second daughter was a little lively brunette, with +sharp features and sparkling black eyes; volatile, giddy, vain and +thoughtless, but good humoured and pretty. The other children were much +younger. + +Two gentlemen joined us at our repast, visitors at Morton park. Mr +Francis, the elder, was in his fortieth year, his figure slender and +delicate, his eye piercing, and his manner impressive. It occurred to +me, that I had somewhere seen him before, and, after a few minutes +recollection, I recognized in him a gentleman who had occasionally +visited at my father's, and whom I have already mentioned as the +antagonist of the man of fashion, whose sentiments and volubility +excited my youthful astonishment and indignation. Mr Montague the +younger, the son of a medical gentleman residing in a neighbouring +county, seemed about one and twenty, tall, elegantly formed, full of +fire and vivacity, with imperious manners, an impetuous temper, and +stubborn prejudices. + +The introduction of a stranger generally throws some kind of restraint +over a company; a break is made in their usual topics and associations, +till the disposition and habits of the intruder have, in some degree, +unfolded themselves. Mrs Morton took upon herself to entertain; she +exhibited her talents on various subjects, with apparent self-approbation, +till a few keen remarks from Mr Francis arrested the torrent of her +eloquence. The young ladies scrutinized me with attention; even the +lively Ann, while she minutely observed me, ceased to court play from +Mr Montague, who attended to me with the air, and addressed me in the +language of gallantry. I sometimes caught the penetrating eye of Mr +Francis, and his glance seemed to search the soul. + +After breakfast, Mr Morton having retired to his dressing-room, and the +younger part of the company strolling into the pleasure grounds, whither +I declined accompanying them, I took an opportunity, being ever desirous +of active and useful employment, of offering my assistance to Mrs Morton, +in the education of her younger children; proposing to instruct them +in the rudiments either of music, drawing, French, or any other +accomplishment, for which my own education had capacitated me. Mr +Francis remained standing in a window, his back towards us, with a book +in his hand, on which he seemed intent. + +'If,' replied Mrs Morton, 'it is your wish, Miss Courtney, to procure +the situation of governess in any gentleman's family, and it is +certainly a very laudable desire in a young woman of your _small +fortune_, Mr Morton will, I have no doubt, have it in his power +to recommend you: but in the education of my family, I desire no +interference; it is an important task, and I have my peculiar notions +on the subject: their expectations are not great, and your _elegant_ +accomplishments might unfit them for their future, probable, stations.' + +The manner in which this speech was uttered spoke yet more forcibly than +the words.--I felt my cheeks glow. + +'I was not asking favours, Madam, I was only desirous of being useful.' + +'It is a pity, then, that your discernment had not corrected your +vanity.' + +The housekeeper entering, to consult her mistress on some domestic +occasion, Mrs Morton quitted the room. Mr Francis closed his book, +turned round, and gazed earnestly in my face: before sufficiently +mortified, his observation, which I felt at this moment oppressive, did +not relieve me. I attempted to escape, but, seizing my hand, he detained +me by a kind of gentle violence. + +'And why this confusion, my dear Miss Courtney; do you blush for having +acted with propriety and spirit?' I burst into tears--I could not help +it--'How weak is this, how unworthy of the good sense you have just +manifested.' + +'I confess it, but I feel myself, at this moment, a poor, a friendless, +an unprotected being.' + +'What prejudices! poverty is neither criminal, nor disgraceful; you +will not want friends, while you continue to deserve them; and as for +protection,' (and he smiled) 'I had not expected from Emma Courtney's +spirited letter to Mr Morton, and equally proper retort to his lady's +impertinence, so plaintive, so feminine a complaint.--You have talents, +cultivate them, and learn to rest on your own powers.' + +'I thank you for your reproof, and solicit your future lessons.' + +'Can you bear the truth?' + +'Try me.' + +'Have you not cherished a false pride?' + +It is too true, thought I, and I sighed. + +'How shall I cure this foible?' + +'By self-examination, by resolution, and perseverance.' + +'Be to me instead of a conscience.' + +'What, then, is become of your own?' + +'Prejudice, I doubt, has blinded and warped it.' + +'I suspect so; but you have energy and candor, and are not, I hope, of a +temper to despond.' + +The return of the family terminated this singular conversation. +The young ladies rallied me, on being found _tête-à -tête_ with the +philosopher; Mr Montague, I thought looked displeased. I stole out; +while the party were dressing for dinner, and rambled into the gardens, +which were extensive, and laid out with taste. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + +I judged my visit here would not be very long. I scarcely knew whether I +was most inclined to like or to fear Mr Francis, but I determined, if +possible, to cultivate his friendship. I interrogated myself again and +again--From whence this restlessness, this languor, this disgust, with +all I hear and see?--Why do I feel wayward, querulous, fastidious? Mr +Morton's family had no hearts; they appeared to want a _sense_, that +preyed incessantly on mine; I could not love them, and my heart panted +to expand its sensations. + +Sarah and Ann became jealous of me, and of each other; the haughty, yet +susceptible, Montague addressed each in turn, with a homage equally +fervent for the moment, and equally transient. This young man was bold, +ardent, romantic, and enterprizing, but blown about by every gust of +passion, he appeared each succeeding moment a different character: with +a glowing and rapid imagination, he had never given himself time to +reason, to compare, to acquire principles: following the bent of a +raised, yet capricious fancy, he was ever in pursuit of meteors, that +led him into mischief, or phantoms, that dissolved at his approach. + +Had my mind been more assured and at ease, I could have amused myself +with the whimsical flights of this eccentric being--One hour, attracted +by the sportive graces of Ann, he played with and caressed her, while +the minutes flew rapidly on the light wing of amusement, and, till +reminded by the grave countenance of Mr Morton, seemed to forget +that any other person was present. The next minute, disgusted by her +frivolity, all his attention was absorbed by the less fascinating, but +more artful and ingenious, Sarah. Then, quitting them both, he would +pursue my steps, break in upon my meditations, and haunt my retreats, +from whence, when not disposed to be entertained by his caprice, I +found it not difficult to drive him, by attacking some of his various +prejudices:--accustomed to feel, and not to reason, his tastes and +opinions were vehement and uncontroulable. + +From this society, so uncongenial to my reflecting, reasoning, mind, +I found some resource in the conversation of Mr Francis. The pride of +Montague was evidently piqued by the decided preference which I gave to +the company of his friend; but his homage, or his resentment, were alike +indifferent to me: accustomed to speak and act from my convictions, +I was but little solicitous respecting the opinion of others. My +understanding was exercised by attending to the observations of Mr +Francis, and by discussing the questions to which they led; yet it +was exercised without being gratified: he opposed and bewildered me, +convicted me of error, and harrassed me with doubt. + +Mr Francis soon after prepared to return to town. I was affected at the +idea of his departure; and felt, that in losing his society, I should be +deprived of my only rational recreation, and should again be exposed to +Mrs Morton's illiberal attacks, who appeared to have marked me out for +her victim, though at present restrained by the presence of a man, who +had found means to inspire, even her, with some degree of respect. + +Mr Francis, on the evening preceding the day on which he purposed +leaving Morton Park, passing under the open window of my chamber, in +which I was sitting with a book to enjoy the refreshing breeze, invited +me to come down, and accompany him in a ramble. I immediately complied +with his request, and joined him in a few minutes, with a countenance +clouded with regret at the idea of his quitting us. + +'You are going,' said I, as I gave him my hand (which he passed under +his arm), 'and I lose my friend and counsellor.' + +'Your concern is obliging; but you are capable of standing alone, and +your mind, by so doing, will acquire strength.' + +'I feel as if this would not be the case: the world appears to me a +thorny and pathless wilderness; I step with caution, and look around me +with dread.--That I require protection and assistance is, I confess, a +proof of weakness, but it is nevertheless true.' + +'Mr Montague,' replied he, with some degree of archness in his tone and +manner, 'is a gallant knight, a pattern of chivalry, and appears to be +particularly calculated for the defender of distressed damsels!' + +'I have no inclination to trust myself to the guidance of one, who seems +himself entangled in an inextricable maze of error, and whose versatile +character affords little basis for confidence.' + +'Tell me what it is you fear;--are your apprehensions founded in +reason?' + +'Recollect my youth, my sex, and my precarious situation.' + +'I thought you contemned the plea of _sex_, as a sanction for weakness!' + +'Though I disallow it as a natural, I admit it as an artificial, plea.' + +'Explain yourself.' + +'The character, you tell me, is modified by circumstances: the customs +of society, then, have enslaved, enervated, and degraded woman.' + +'I understand you: there is truth in your remark, though you have given +it undue force.' + +I hesitated--my heart was full--I felt as if there were many things +which I wished to say; but, however paradoxical, the manners of Mr +Francis repressed, while they invited, confidence. I respected his +reason, but I doubted whether I could inspire him with sympathy, or +make him fully comprehend my feelings. I conceived I could express +myself with more freedom on paper; but I had not courage to request a +correspondence, when he was silent on the subject. That it would be a +source of improvement to me, I could not doubt, but prejudice with-held +me from making the proposal. He looked at me, and perceived my mind +struggling with a suggestion, to which it dared not give utterance: he +suspected the truth, but was unwilling to disturb the operations of my +understanding. We walked for some time in silence:--my companion struck +into a path that led towards the house--listened to the village clock as +it struck nine--and observed, the hour grew late. He had distinguished +me, and I was flattered by that distinction; he had supported me against +the arrogance of Mrs Morton, retorted the sly sarcasms of Sarah, and +even helped to keep the impetuous Montague in awe, and obliged him to +rein in his offensive spirit, every moment on the brink of outrage. My +heart, formed for grateful attachment, taking, in one instant, a hasty +retrospect of the past, and a rapid glance into futurity, experienced at +that moment so desolating a pang, that I endeavoured in vain to repress +its sensations, and burst into a flood of tears. Mr Francis suddenly +stopped, appeared moved, and, with a benevolent aspect and soothing +accents, enquired into the cause of an emotion so sudden and unexpected. +I wept a few minutes in silence, and my spirits seemed, in some measure, +relieved. + +'I weep,' (said I), 'because I am _friendless_; to be esteemed and +cherished is necessary to my existence; I am an alien in the family +where I at present reside, I cannot remain here much longer, and to +whom, and whither, shall I go?' + +He took my hand--'I will not, at present, say all that it might be +proper to say, because I perceive your mind is in a feeble state;--My +affairs call me to London;--yet, there is a method of conversing at a +distance.' + +I eagerly availed myself of this suggestion, which I had wished, without +having the courage to propose. + +'Will you, then, allow me, through the medium of pen and paper, to +address, to consult you, as I may see occasion?' + +'Will I? yes, most cheerfully! Propose your doubts and state your +difficulties, and we shall see,' (smiling) 'whether they admit of a +solution.' + +Thanking him, I engaged to avail myself of this permission, and we +proceeded slowly to the house, and joined the party in the supper room. +I never once thought of my red and swoln eyes, till Sarah, glancing a +look half curious, half sarcastic, towards me, exclaimed from +Shakespear, in an affected tone, + + 'Parting is such sweet sorrow!' + +Mr Francis looked at her sternly, she blushed and was silent; Mr +Montague was captious; Ann mortified, that she could not by her little +tricks gain his attention. Mrs Morton sat wrapped in mock dignity; while +Mr Morton, and his philosophic friend, canvassed the principles upon +which an horizontal mill was about to be constructed on the estate of +the former. After a short and scanty meal, I retired to my apartment, +determined to rise early the next morning, and make breakfast for my +friend before his departure. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + +Mr Francis had ordered his horse to be ready at five o'clock. I left +my chamber at four, to have the pleasure of preparing for him the last +friendly repast, and of saying _farewel_. He was serene and chearful as +usual, I somewhat more pensive; we parted with great cordiality, he +gave me his address in town, and engaged me to write to him shortly. +I accompanied him through the Park to the porter's lodge, where the +servant and horses waited his coming. My eyes glistened as I bade him +adieu, and reiterated my wishes for his safety and prosperity, while his +features softened into a more than usual benignity, as he returned my +salutation. + +I wandered thoughtfully back towards the house, but the rich purple +that began to illumine the east, the harbinger of the rising sun, the +freshness of the morning air, the soft dews which already glittered on +every fragrant plant and flower, the solemn stillness, so grateful to +the reflecting mind, that pervaded the scene, induced me to prolong my +walk. Every object appeared in unison with my feelings, my heart swelled +with devotional affections, it aspired to the Author of nature. After +having bewildered ourselves amid systems and theories, religion, in such +situations, returns to the susceptible mind as a _sentiment_ rather than +as a principle. A passing cloud let fall a gentle, drizzling shower; +sheltered beneath the leafy umbrage of a spreading oak, I rather heard +than felt it; yet, the coolness it diffused seemed to quench those +ardent emotions, which are but too congenial with my disposition, while +the tumult of the passions subsided into a delicious tranquillity. + +How mutable are human beings!--A very few hours converted this sublime +complacency into perturbation and tumult. Having extended my walk beyond +its accustomed limits, on my return, I retired, somewhat fatigued to my +apartment, and devoted the morning to my studies. At the dinner hour +I joined the family, each individual of which seemed wrapped up in +reserve, scarcely deigning to practise the common ceremonies of the +occasion. I was not sufficiently interested in the cause of these +appearances to make any enquiries, and willingly resigned myself, in +the intervals of the entertainment, to meditation. + +When the table was cleared, and the servants had withdrawn, perceiving +the party not sociably inclined, I was about to retire--when Mrs Morton +observed, with features full of a meaning which I did not comprehend, +that-- + +'Their guest, Mr Francis, had, no doubt, left Morton Park gratefully +impressed by the _kindness_ of Miss Courtney.' + +Montague reddened--bit his lips--got up--and sat down again. The young +ladies wore an air not perfectly good-humoured, and a little triumphant. +Mr Morton looked very solemn. + +'I hope so, Madam,' I replied, somewhat carelessly. 'I felt myself +indebted to Mr Francis for his civilities, and was solicitous to make +him all the return in my power--I wish that power had been enlarged.' + +She held up her hands and eyes with an affected, and ridiculous, +gesture. + +'Mr Francis,' said Montague, abruptly, 'is very happy in having inspired +you with sentiments _so partial_.' + +'I am not partial--I am merely just. Mr Francis appeared to me a +rational man, and my understanding was exercised and gratified by his +conversation.' + +I was about to proceed, but my uncle (who seemed to have been tutored +for the occasion) interrupted me with much gravity. + +'You are but little acquainted, Emma, with the customs of society; there +is great indecorum in a young lady's making these distinctions.' + +'What distinctions, my dear Sir!--in prefering a reasonable man to fools +and coxcombs.' + +'Forgive me, my dear--you have a quick wit, but you want experience. I +am informed, that you breakfasted with Mr Francis this morning, and +attended him through the Park:--this, with your late walk yesterday +evening, and evident emotion on your return, let me tell you, child, +wears an indecorous appearance:--the world is justly attentive to the +conduct of young women, and too apt to be censorious.' + +I looked round me with unaffected surprize--'Good God!--did I suppose, +in this family, it was necessary to be upon my guard against malicious +constructions?' + +'Pray,'--interrupted Sarah, pertly--'would you not have expressed some +surprize, had I shewed Mr Montague similar attentions?' + +I looked at her, I believe, a little too contemptuously.--'Whatever +sentiments might have been excited in my mind by the attentions of Miss +Morton to Mr Montague, _surprize_, assuredly, would not have been among +them.' + +She coloured, and Montague's passions began to rise. I stopped him at +the beginning of an impertinent harangue, by observing-- + +'That I did not think myself accountable to him for my conduct;--before +I should be solicitous respecting his opinions, he must give me better +reasons, than he had hitherto done, to respect his judgment.' + +Ann wept, and prattled something, to which nobody thought it worth while +to attend. + +'Well, Sir,' continued I, turning to Mr Morton, 'be pleased to give me, +in detail, what you have to alledge, that I may be enabled to justify +myself.' + +'Will you allow me to ask you a question?' + +'Most certainly.' + +'Has Mr Francis engaged you to correspond with him?' + +I was silent a few moments. + +'You hesitate!' + +'Only, Sir, _how_ to answer your question.--I certainly intend myself +the pleasure of addressing Mr Francis on paper; but I cannot strictly +say _he engaged_ me so to do, as it was a proposal he was led to make, +by conjecturing my wishes on the subject.' + +Again, Mrs Morton, with uplifted hands and eyes--'What effrontery!' + +I seemed not to hear her.--'Have you any thing more to say, my dear +uncle?' + +'You are a strange girl. It would not, perhaps, be proper before this +company to enquire'--and he stopped. + +'Any thing is proper, Sir, to enquire of me, and in any company--I have +no reserves, no secrets.' + +'Well, then, I think it necessary to inform you, that, though a +sensible, well educated, liberal-minded, man, Mr Francis has neither +estate nor fortune, nor does he practise any lucrative profession.' + +'I am sorry for it, on his own account; and for those whom his +generosity might benefit. But, what is it to me?' + +'You affect to misunderstand me.' + +'I _affect_ nothing.' + +'I will speak more plainly:--Has he made you any proposals?' + +The purport of this solemn, but ludicrous, preparation, at once flashed +upon my mind, the first time the thought had ever occurred. I laughed--I +could not help it. + +'I considered Mr Francis as a _philosopher_, and not as a _lover_. Does +this satisfy you, Sir?' + +My uncle's features, in spite of himself, relaxed into a half-smile. + +'Very platonic--sweet simplicity!'--drauled out Mrs Morton, in ironical +accents. + +'I will not be insulted, Mr Morton!' quitting my seat, and rising in +temper.--'I consider myself, merely, as your visitant, and not as +responsible to any one for my actions. Conscious of purity of intention, +and superior to all disguise or evasion, I was not aware of these +feminine, indelicate, unfriendly suggestions. If this behaviour be a +specimen of what I am to expect in the world--the world may do its +will--but I will never be its slave: while I have strength of mind +to form principles, and courage to act upon them, I am determined to +preserve my freedom, and trust to the general candour and good sense +of mankind to appreciate me justly. As the brother of my late father, +and as entitled to respect from your own kind intentions, I am +willing to enter into any explanations, which _you_, _Sir_, may think +necessary:--neither my motives, nor my actions, have ever yet shrunk +from investigation. Will you permit me to attend you in your library? It +is not my intention to intrude longer on your hospitality, and I could +wish to avail myself of your experience and counsels respecting my +future destination.' + +Mr Morton, at my request, withdrew with me into the library, where I +quickly removed from his mind those injurious suspicions with which Mrs +Morton had laboured to inspire him. He would not hear of my removal from +the Park--apologized for what had passed--assured me of his friendship +and protection--and entreated me to consider his house as my home. There +was an honest warmth and sincerity in his manner, that sensibly affected +me; I could have wept; and I engaged, at his repeated request, not to +think, at present, of withdrawing myself from his protection. Thus we +separated. + +How were the virtues of this really good man tarnished by an unsuitable +connection! In the giddy hours of youth, we thoughtlessly rush into +engagements, that fetter our minds, and affect our future characters, +without reflecting on the important consequences of our conduct. This is +a subject on which I have had occasion to reflect deeply; yet, alas! my +own boasted reason has been, but too often, the dupe of my imagination. + + + + +CHAPTER XV + + +Nothing, here, occupied my heart--a heart to which it was necessary to +love and admire. I had suffered myself to be irritated--the tumult of my +spirits did not easily subside--I was mortified at the reflection--I had +believed myself armed with patience and fortitude, but my philosophy was +swept before the impetuous emotions of my passions like chaff before the +whirlwind. I took up my pen to calm my spirits, and addressed myself to +the man who had been, unconsciously, the occasion of these vexations.--My +swelling heart needed the relief of communication. + + + TO MR FRANCIS + + 'I Sought earnestly for the privilege of addressing you on + paper. My mind seemed to overflow with a thousand + sentiments, that I had not the courage to express in words; + but now, when the period is arrived, that I can take up my + pen, unawed by your penetrating glance, unchecked by your + poignant reply, and pour out my spirit before you, I feel + as if its emotions were too wayward, too visionary, too + contradictory, to merit your attention. + + 'Every thing I see and hear is a disappointment to + me:--brought up in retirement--conversing only with + books--dwelling with ardour on the great characters, and + heroic actions, of antiquity, all my ideas of honour and + distinction were associated with those of virtue and + talents. I conceived, that the pursuit of truth, and the + advancement of reason, were the grand objects of universal + attention, and I panted to do homage to those superior + minds, who, teaching mankind to be wise, would at length + lead them to happiness. Accustomed to think, to feel, to + kindle into action, I am at a loss to understand the + distinction between theory and practice, which every one + seems eager to inculcate, as if the degrading and melancholy + intelligence, which fills my soul with despondency, and + pervades my understanding with gloom, was to them a subject + of exultation. + + 'Is virtue, then, a chimera--does it exist only in the + regions of romance?--Have we any interest in finding our + fellow creatures weak and miserable?--Is the Being who + formed them unjust, capricious, impotent, or tyrannical? + + 'Answer these questions, that press heavily on my mind, that + dart across it, in its brightest moments, clouding its + sun-shine with a thick and impenetrable darkness. Must the + benevolent emotions, which I have hitherto delighted to + cherish, turn into misanthropy--must the fervent and social + affections of my heart give place to inanity, to + apathy--must the activity of a curious and vigorous mind + sink into torpor and abhorred vacuity? + + 'While they teach me to distrust the existence of virtue, + they endeavour to impose on me, in its stead, a fictitious + semblance; and to substitute, for the pure gold of truth, a + paltry tinsel. It is in vain I ask--what have those to do + with "_seeming_," who still retain "that which _passeth + shew_?" However my actions may be corrupted by the + contagious example of the world, may I still hold fast my + integrity, and disdain to wear the _appearance_ of virtue, + when the substance shall no longer exist. + + 'To admire, to esteem, to love, are congenial to my + nature--I am unhappy, because these affections are not + called into exercise. To venerate abstract perfection, + requires too vigorous an exertion of the mental powers--I + would see virtue exemplified, I would love it in my fellow + creatures--I would catch the glorious enthusiasm, and rise + from created to uncreated excellence. + + 'I am perplexed with doubts; relieve the wanderings of my + mind, solve the difficulties by which it is agitated, + prepare me for the world which is before me. The prospect, + no longer beaming with light, no longer glowing with a + thousand vivid hues, is overspread with mists, which the + mind's eye vainly attempts to penetrate. I would feel, + again, the value of existence, the worth of rectitude, the + certainty of truth, the blessing of hope! Ah! tell me + not--that the gay expectations of youth have been the + meteors of fancy, the visions of a romantic and distempered + imagination! If I must not live to realize them, I would not + live at all. + + 'My harrassed mind turns to you! You will not ridicule its + scruples--you will, at least, deign to reason with me, and, + in the exercise of my understanding, I shall experience a + temporary relief from the sensations which devour me, the + suspicions that distress me, and which spread over futurity + a fearful veil. + + 'EMMA.' + + +I walked to the next market town, and left my letter at the post-house,--I +waited impatiently for a reply; my mind wanted _impression_, and sunk +into languor. The answer, which arrived in a few days, was kind, because +it was prompt, my sickly mind required a speedy remedy. + + + TO EMMA COURTNEY. + + 'Why will you thus take things in masses, and continually + dwell in extremes? You deceive yourself; instead of + cultivating your reason, you are fostering an excessive + sensibility, a fastidious delicacy. It is the business of + reason to compare, to separate, to discriminate. Is there no + medium--extraordinary exertions are only called forth by + extraordinary contingences;--because every human being is + not a hero, are we then to distrust the existence of virtue? + + 'The mind is modified by the circumstances in which it + is placed, by the accidents of birth and education; the + constitutions of society are all, as yet, imperfect; they + have generated, and perpetuated, many mistakes--the + consequences of those mistakes will, eventually, carry with + them their antidote, the seeds of reproduction are, even, + visible in their decay. The growth of reason is slow, + but not the less sure; the increase of knowledge must + necessarily prepare the way for the increase of virtue and + happiness. + + 'Look back upon the early periods of society, and, taking + a retrospective view of what has been done, amidst the + interruptions of barbarous inroads, falling empires, and + palsying despotism, calculate what yet may be achieved: + while the causes, which have hitherto impeded the progress + of civilization, must continue to decrease, in an + accelerated ration, with the wide, and still wider, + diffusion of truth. + + 'We may trace most of the faults, and the miseries of + mankind, to the vices and errors of political institutions, + their permanency having been their radical defect. Like + children, we have dreamt, that what gratifies our desires, + or contributes to our convenience, to-day, will prove + equally useful and satisfactory to-morrow, without + reflecting on the growth of the body, the change of humours, + the new objects, and the new situations, which every + succeeding hour brings in its train. That immutability, + which constitutes the perfection of what we (from the + poverty of language) term the _divine mind_, would + inevitably be the bane of creatures liable to error; it is + of the constancy, rather than of the fickleness, of human + beings, that we have reason to complain. + + 'Every improvement must be the result of successive + experiments, this has been found true in natural science, + and it must be universally applied to be universally + beneficial. Bigotry, whether religious, political, moral, or + commercial, is the canker-worm at the root of the tree of + knowledge and of virtue. The wildest speculations are less + mischievous than the torpid state of error: he, who tamely + resigns his understanding to the guidance of another, + sinks at once, from the dignity of a rational being, to a + mechanical puppet, moved at pleasure on the wires of the + artful operator.--_Imposition_ is the principle and support + of every varied description of tyranny, whether civil or + ecclesiastical, moral or mental; its baneful consequence is + to degrade both him who is imposed on, and him who imposes. + _Obedience_, is a word, which ought never to have had + existence: as we recede from conviction, and languidly + resign ourselves to any foreign authority, we quench the + principle of action, of virtue, of reason;--we bear about + the semblance of humanity, but the spirit is fled. + + 'These are truths, which will slowly, but ultimately, + prevail; in the splendour of which, the whole fabric of + superstition will gradually fade and melt away. The world, + like every individual, has its progress from infancy to + maturity--How many follies do we commit in childhood? how + many errors are we precipitated into by the fervour and + inexperience of youth! Is not every stable principle + acquired through innumerable mistakes--can you wonder, that + in society, amidst the aggregate of jarring interests and + passions, reformation is so tardy? Though civilization has + been impeded by innumerable obstacles, even these help to + carry on the great work: empires may be overturned, and the + arts scattered, but not lost. The hordes of barbarians, + which overwhelmed ancient Rome, adopted at length the + religion, the laws, and the improvements of the vanquished, + as Rome had before done those of Greece. As the stone, + which, thrown into the water, spreads circles still more + and more extended;--or (to adopt the gospel similitude) as + the grain of mustard seed, growing up into a large tree, + shelters the fowls of heaven in its branches--so will + knowledge, at length, diffuse itself, till it covers the + whole earth. + + 'When the minds of men are changed, the system of things + will also change; but these changes, though active and + incessant, must be gradual. Reason will fall softly, + and almost imperceptibly, like a gentle shower of dews, + fructifying the soil, and preparing it for future harvests. + Let us not resemble the ambitious shepherd, who, calling for + the accumulated waters of the Nile upon his lands, was, with + his flock, swept away in the impetuous torrent. + + 'You ask, whether--because human beings are still + imperfect--you are to resign your benevolence, and to + cherish misanthropy? What a question! Would you hate the + inhabitants of an hospital for being infected with a + pestilential disorder? Let us remember, that vice originates + in mistakes of the understanding, and that, he who seeks + happiness by means contradictory and destructive, _is + emphatically the sinner_. Our duties, then, are obvious--If + selfish and violent passions have been generated by the + inequalities of society, we must labour to counteract them, + by endeavouring to combat prejudice, to expand the mind, + to give comprehensive views, to teach mankind their true + interest, and to lead them to habits of goodness and + greatness. Every prejudice conquered, every mistake + rectified, every individual improved, is an advance upon the + great scale of virtue and happiness. + + 'Let it, then, be your noblest ambition to co-operate with, + to join your efforts, to those of philosophers and sages, + the benefactors of mankind. To waste our time in useless + repinings is equally weak and vain; every one in his sphere + may do something; each has a little circle where his + influence will be availing. Correct your own errors, which + are various--weeds in a luxuriant soil--and you will have + done something towards the general reformation. But you are + able to do more;--be vigilant, be active, beware of the + illusions of fancy! I suspect, that you will have much to + suffer--may you, at length, reap the fruits of a wholesome, + though it should be a bitter, experience. + + '---- FRANCIS.' + + +I perused the letter, I had received, again and again; it awakened a +train of interesting reflections, and my spirits became tranquillized. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + + +Early one fine morning, Ann tapped gently at the door of my chamber; I +had already risen, and invited her to enter. + +'Would I accompany her to breakfast, with a widow lady, who resided in a +village about two miles from Morton Park, an occasional visitant in the +family, a lady with whom, she was certain, I should be charmed.' + +I smiled at her ardour, thanked her for her kindness, and readily agreed +to her proposal. We strolled together through an adjacent wood, which, +by a shady and winding path, conducted us towards the residence of this +vaunted favourite of my little companion. + +On our way, she entertained me with a slight sketch of the history of +Mrs Harley and her family. She was the widow of a merchant, who was +supposed to possess great property; but, practising occasionally as an +underwriter, a considerable capture by the enemy (during war time) of +some rich ships, reduced his fortune; and, by the consequent anxiety, +completely destroyed a before debilitated constitution. He died in a few +weeks after the confirmation of his loss, and, having neglected to make +a will, a freehold estate of some value, which was all that remained of +his effects, devolved of course to his eldest son; his two younger sons +and three daughters being left wholly unprovided for. Augustus Harley, +the heir, immediately sold the estate, and divided the produce, in equal +shares, between each individual of the family. His brothers had been +educated for commerce, and were enabled, through the generous kindness +of Augustus, to carry on, with advantage and reputation, their +respective occupations; the sisters were, soon after, eligibly married. +Augustus, who had been educated for the law, disgusted with its +chicanery, relinquished the profession, content to restrain his expences +within the limits of a narrow income. This income had since received an +increase, by the bequest of a distant relation, a man of a whimsical +character, who had married, early in life, a beautiful woman, for love; +but his wife having eloped from him with an officer, and, in the course +of the intrigue, practised a variety of deceptions, he had retired +disgusted from society, cherishing a misanthropical spirit: and, on his +decease, bequeathed an annual sum of four hundred pounds to Augustus +Harley (to whom in his childhood he had been particularly attached) on +condition of his remaining unmarried. On his marriage, or death, this +legacy passed into another branch of the family. On this acquisition +Augustus determined on making the tour of Europe; and, after travelling +on the continent for three years, on his return to his native country, +alternately resided, either in the village of----, with his mother, or +in the metropolis, where he divided his time, between liberal studies, +and rational recreation. His visits to the country had, of late, +been shorter and less frequent: he was the idol of his mother, and +universally respected by his acquaintance, for his noble and generous +conduct.--'Ah!' (added the lively narrator) 'could you but see Augustus +Harley, you would, infallibly, lose your heart--so frank, so pleasant, +so ingenuous are his manners, so intrepid, and yet so humane! Montague +is a fine gentleman, but Augustus Harley is more--_he is a man!_' + +She began to grow eloquent on this, apparently, exhaustless theme, nor +did she cease her panegyric till we came in view of Mrs Harley's +mansion. + +'You will love the mother as well as the son,' continued this agreeable +prattler, 'when you come to know her; she is very good and very +sensible.' + +Drawing near the house, she tripped from me, to enquire if its mistress +had yet risen. + +A small white tenement, half obscured in shrubbery, on a verdant lawn, +of dimensions equally modest, situated on the side of a hill, and +commanding an extensive and variegated prospect, was too interesting +and picturesque an object, not to engage for some moments my attention. +The image of Augustus, also, which my lively companion had pourtrayed +with more than her usual vivacity, played in my fancy--my heart paid +involuntary homage to virtue, and I entered the mansion of Mrs Harley +with a swelling emotion, made up of complicated feelings--half +respectful, half tender--sentiments, too mingled to be distinctly +traced. I was introduced into a room that overlooked a pleasant garden, +and which the servant called a library. It was hung with green paper, +the carpet the same colour, green venetian blinds to the windows, a +sopha and chairs covered with white dimity; some drawings and engravings +hung on the walls, arranged with exact symmetry; on one side of the room +stood a grand piano-forte, opposite to which, was a handsome book-case, +filled with books, elegantly bound; in the middle of the apartment was +placed a table, covered with a green cloth, on which was a reading desk, +some books and pamphlets, with implements for writing and drawing. +Nothing seemed costly, yet neatness, order, and taste, appeared through +the whole apartment, bespeaking the elegant and cultivated mind of the +owner. + +After amusing myself for a short time, in this charming retirement, I +was summoned by Ann to the breakfast room, where Mrs Harley awaited +me. I was interested, at the first glance, in favour of this amiable +woman--she appeared to be near fifty, her person agreeable, her +countenance animated, her address engaging, and her manners polished. +Mutually pleased with each other, the hours passed rapidly; and, till +reminded by a significant look from my little friend, I was unconscious, +that I had made my visit of an unreasonable length. + +Mrs Harley spoke much of her son, he was the darling and the pride of +her heart; she lamented the distance that separated them, and wished, +that her health, and his tenderness, would allow of her residence with +him in London. When conversing on this favourite topic, a glow enlivened +her countenance, and her eyes sparkled with a humid brightness. I +was affected by her maternal love--tender remembrances, and painful +comparisons, crouded into my mind--a tear fell, that would not be +twinkled away--she observed it, and seemed to feel its meaning; she held +out her hand to me, I took it and pressed it to my lips. At parting, +she entreated me speedily to renew my visit, to come often without +ceremony--I should cheer her solitude--my sympathy, for she perceived I +had a feeling heart, would help to console her in the absence of her +Augustus. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + + +On our way home, Ann was in high spirits, congratulating herself upon +her sagacity. + +'Mrs Harley,' (said she, archly leering in my face) 'will console you +for the departure of Mr Francis.' + +I smiled without replying. At dinner our visit of the morning was +canvassed (Ann had wished me to conceal it, but this I positively +refused). Mr Morton spoke of Mrs Harley and her son with great respect, +Mrs Morton with a sarcastic sneer, accompanied with a reprimand to her +daughter, for the improper liberty she had taken. + +I quitted the table, immediately after the desert, to stifle my disgust, +and, taking a book, wandered into the pleasure grounds, but incapable of +fixing my attention, I presently shut my book, and, sauntering slowly +on, indulged in a reverie. My melancholy reflections again returned--How +could I remain in a house, where I was every day marked out for insult +by its mistress--and where was I to dispose of myself? My fortune was +insufficient to allow of my boarding in a respectable family. Mrs Harley +came across my mind--Amiable woman!--Would she, indeed, accept of my +society, and allow me to soften her solitude!--But her income was little +less limited than my own--it must not be thought of. I reflected on the +inequalities of society, the source of every misery and of every vice, +and on the peculiar disadvantages of my sex. I sighed bitterly; and, +clasping my hands together, exclaimed, unconsciously-- + +'Whither can I go--and where shall I find an asylum?' + +'Allow me to propose one,' said a voice, in a soft accent, suddenly, +behind me. + +I started, turned, and beheld Mr Montague. After some expressions of +sympathy for the distress which he had witnessed, apologies for his +intrusion, and incoherent expressions of respect and regard, he somewhat +abruptly offered his hand and heart to my acceptance, with the impetuosity +which accompanied all his sentiments and actions; yet, he expressed +himself with the air of a man who believes he is conferring an obligation. +I thanked him for his generous proposal-- + +But, as my heart spake not in his favour--'I must be allowed to decline +it.' + +'That heart,' said he, rudely, 'is already bestowed upon another.' + +'Certainly not, Mr Montague; if it were, I would frankly tell you.' + +He pronounced the name of Mr Francis-- + +'Mr Francis is a man for whom I feel a sincere respect and veneration--a +man whom I should be proud to call my friend; but a thought beyond that, +I dare venture to say, has never occurred to either of us.' + +He knew not how to conceive--that a woman in my situation, unprepossessed, +could reject so advantageous an establishment! + +This, I told him, was indelicate, both to me and to himself. Were my +situation yet more desolate, I would not marry any man, merely for an +_establishment_, for whom I did not feel an affection. + +Would I please to describe to him the model of perfection which I should +require in a husband? + +It was unnecessary; as I saw no probability of the portrait bearing any +resemblance to himself. + +He reddened, and turned pale, alternately; bit his lips, and muttered to +himself.--'Damned romantic affectation!' + +I assumed a firmer tone--methought he insulted me.--'I beg you will +leave me, Sir--I chuse to be alone--By what right do you intrude upon my +retirements?' + +My determined accent abashed him:--he tried, but with an ill grace, to +be humble; and entreated me to take time for consideration. + +'There is no need of it. It is a principle with me, not to inflict a +moment's suspence on any human being, when my own mind is decided.' + +'Then you absolutely refuse me, and prefer the being exposed to the mean +and envious insults of the vulgar mistress of this mansion!' + +'Of the two evils, I consider it as the least, because it involves no +permanent obligation.' + +His countenance was convulsed with passion. His love, he told me, was +converted into vengeance by my scorn: he was not to be contemned with +impunity; and he warned me to beware. + +I smiled, I believe, a little too contemptuously. 'You love me not, Sir; +I am glad, for your own sake, that you never loved me.' + +'My hatred may be more terrible!' + +'You cannot intimidate me--I am little accustomed to fear.' + +I turned from him somewhat disdainfully: but, instantly recollecting +myself, I stepped back, and apologized for the harsh manner into which I +had been betrayed by his abrupt address, vehement expostulation, and the +previous irritated state of my mind. + +'I acknowledge,' said I, 'the disinterestedness of your proposal, and +the _distinction_ which it implies. Will you allow my own wounded +feelings to be an excuse for the too little consideration with which I +have treated _your's_? Can you forgive me?' added I, in a conciliating +tone, holding out my hand. + +The strong emotions, which rapidly succeeded each other in his mind, +were painted in his countenance. After a moment's hesitation, he +snatched the hand I offered him, pressed it to his lips, and, murmuring +a few incoherent words, burst into tears. My spirits were already +depressed--affected by these marks of his sensibility, and still more +distressed by the recollection of the pain I had occasioned him by my +inconsiderate behaviour, I wept with him for some minutes in silence. + +'Let us no more,' resumed I, making an effort to recover myself, 'renew +these impressions. I thank you sincerely for the sympathy you have +manifested for my situation. I am sensible that I have yielded to weak +and wayward feelings.--I have youth, health, and activity--I ought +not--neither do I despair.--The mortifications I have experienced, since +my residence here, will afford me a useful lesson for the future--they +have already taught me, what I before merely conjectured, _the value of +independence_!' + +'Why, then,' interrupted he with quickness, 'do you reject an opportunity +of placing yourself out of the reach of insult?' + +'Stop, my good friend,' replied I, smilingly looking in his face; 'there +is a possibility of exchanging evils. You are yet too young, and too +unstable, maturely to have weighed the importance of the scheme you +propose. Remember, likewise, that you are, yourself, in a great measure, +dependent on the will of your father; and that much reflection is +requisite before we fetter ourselves with engagements, that, once +entered into, are not easily dissolved.' + +'You allow me, then, to hope!' + +'Indeed I meant not to imply any such thing. I wish to soften what I +have already expressed--but, there are a variety of reasons which oblige +me to assure you, that I see no probability of changing my sentiments on +the subject.' + +'Why, then, this cruel ostentation? I would either love or hate, bless +or curse you.' + +'You shall do neither, if I can prevent it. If my esteem is of any value +to you, you must learn to respect both me and yourself.' + +'Esteem!--Is that to be my frigid reward!' + +'If _mine_ be worthless, propose to yourself _your own_ as a +recompense.' + +'I have already forfeited it, by seeking to move a heart, that triumphs +in its cold inflexibility.' + +'Is this just--is it kind? Is it, indeed, _my welfare_ you seek, while +you can thus add to the vexations and embarrassment, which were before +sufficiently oppressive? I would preserve you from an act of precipitation +and imprudence;--in return, you load me with unmerited reproaches. But +it is time to put an end to a conversation, that can answer little other +purpose than vain recrimination.' + +He was about to speak--'Say no more--I feel myself, again, in danger +of losing my temper--my spirits are agitated--I would not give you +pain--Allow me to retire, and be assured of my best wishes.' + +Some of the family appearing in sight, as if advancing towards us, +favoured my retreat. I quitted the place with precipitation, and retired +to my chamber, where I sought, by employing myself, to calm the +perturbation of my heart. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + +In a few days I renewed my visit to Mrs Harley:--a strong sympathy +united us, and we became almost inseparable. Every day I discovered in +this admirable woman a new and indissoluble tie, that bound me to +her. Her cultivated understanding afforded an inexhaustible fund of +instruction and entertainment; and her affectionate heart spread a charm +over her most indifferent actions. We read, we walked, we conversed +together; but, with whatever subjects these conversations commenced, +some associated idea always led them to terminate in an eulogium on the +virtues and talents, or an expression of regret, for the absence of +Augustus. There was a portrait of him (drawn by a celebrated artist, +which he had lately sent from town as a present to his mother) hung up +in the library. I accustomed myself to gaze on this resemblance of a +man, in whose character I felt so lively an interest, till, I fancied, +I read in the features all the qualities imputed to the original by a +tender and partial parent. + +Cut off from the society of mankind, and unable to expound my +sensations, all the strong affections of my soul seemed concentrated to +a single point. Without being conscious of it, my grateful love for Mrs +Harley had, already, by a transition easy to be traced by a philosophic +mind, transferred itself to her son. He was the St Preux, the Emilius of +my sleeping and waking reveries. I now spent almost my whole time in the +cottage of my friend, returning to Morton Park late in the evening, and +quitting it early in the morning, and sometimes being wholly absent for +weeks together. + +Six months thus passed away in tranquillity, with but little variation. +Mr Montague, during this period, had several times left Mr Morton's, and +returned again abruptly: his manners became sullen, and even, at times, +ferocious. I carefully avoided encountering him, fearful of exasperating +a spirit, that appeared every moment on the verge of excess. + +Hastening one evening to my friend, after a longer separation than +common, (having been prevailed on by Mr Morton and his daughters to +accompany them on a distant visit, where business of Mr Morton's +detained us for some days) I ran into the library, as usual, and threw +myself into the arms of Mrs Harley, that opened spontaneously to receive +me. + +'Ah! you little truant,' said she, in a voice of kindness, 'where have +you been so long? My son has visited me in your absence; he passed +through this part of the country, in his way to the seat of a friend. +He staid with me two days, during which I sent half a dozen messages to +Morton Park, but you were flown away, it seems, nor could I learn any +tidings of you. Augustus,' continued she, without observing the emotions +she excited, 'had scarcely quitted the house an hour when you arrived.' + +I made no reply; an unaccountable sensation seized, and oppressed, my +heart--sinking on the sopha, I burst into a convulsive flood of tears. + +My friend was struck: all the indiscretion of her conduct (as she +has since told me) flashed suddenly into her mind; she felt that, in +indulging her own maternal sensations, she had, perhaps, done me an +irreparable injury, and she shuddered at the probable consequences. It +was some moments before either of us recovered;--our conversation was +that evening, for the first time, constrained, reserved, and painful; +and we retired at an early hour to our respective apartments. + +I spent the night in self-examination. I was compelled to acknowledge, +to myself, that solitude, the absence of other impressions, the previous +circumstances that had operated on my character, my friendship for Mrs +Harley, and her eloquent, affectionate, reiterated, praises of her son, +had combined to awaken all the exquisite, though dormant, sensibilities +of my nature; and, however romantic it might appear to others, and did +appear even to myself, I felt, that I loved an ideal object (for such +was Augustus Harley to me) with a tender and fervent excess; an excess, +perhaps, involving all my future usefulness and welfare. 'People, in +general,' says Rousseau, 'do not sufficiently consider the influence +which the first attachments, between man and woman, have over the +remainder of their lives; they do not perceive, that an impression so +strong, and so lively, as that of love, is productive of a long chain of +effects, which pass unobserved in a course of years, yet, nevertheless, +continue to operate till the day of their deaths.' It was in vain I +attempted to combat this illusion; my reason was but an auxiliary to +my passion, it persuaded me, that I was only doing justice to high +and uncommon worth; imagination lent her aid, and an importunate +sensibility, panting after good unalloyed, completed the seduction. + +From this period Mrs Harley was more guarded in her conduct; she +carefully avoided the mention of her son.--Under pretence of having an +alteration made in the frame, she removed his picture from the library; +but the constraint she put upon herself was too evident and painful; +we no longer sought, with equal ardour, an interchange of sentiment, +reserve took place of the tender confidence of friendship; a thousand +times, while I gazed upon her dear averted countenance, I yearned to +throw myself upon her bosom, to weep, to unfold to her the inmost +recesses of my mind--that ingenuous mind, which languished for +communication, and preyed upon itself! Dear and cruel friend, why did +you transfix my heart with the barbed and envenomed arrow, and then +refuse to administer the only healing balsam? + +My visits to Mrs Harley became less frequent; I shut myself up whole +days in my apartment, at Morton Park, or wandered through its now +leafless groves, absorbed in meditation--fostering the sickly +sensibility of my soul, and nursing wild, improbable, chimerical, +visions of felicity, that, touched by the sober wand of truth, would +have 'melted into thin air.' 'The more desires I have' (observes an +acute, and profound French Philosopher[4]) 'the less ardent they are. +The torrents that divide themselves into many branches are the least +dangerous in their course. A strong passion is a solitary passion, that +concentrates all our desires within one point.' + + [Footnote 4: Helvetius.] + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + + +I had not seen my friend for many days, when, on a dark and stormy +night, in the month of January, between nine and ten o'clock, the family +at Morton Park were alarmed, by a loud and violent knocking at the hall +door. + +On opening it, a servant appeared--and a chaise, the porter having +unbolted the great gates, drew up to the door. The man delivered a note +addressed to Miss Courtney. I was unacquainted with the handwriting, and +unfolded it with trepidation. It contained but a few lines, written in a +female character, and signed with the name of a lady, who resided about +twelve miles from Morton Park, at whose house Mrs Harley sometimes made +a visit of a few days. It stated-- + +'That my friend was seized at the mansion of this lady with an +apoplectic fit, from which she had been restored, after some hours +of insensibility: that the physicians were apprehensive of a relapse, +and that Mrs Harley had expressed a desire of seeing Miss Courtney--A +carriage and servants were sent for her conveyance.' + +Mr Morton was from home, his lady made no offer of any of her own +domestics to accompany me. Montague, who had been at the Park for some +days past, solicited permission to be my escort. I hesitated a moment, +and would willingly have declined this proposal, but he repeated and +enforced it with a vehemence, that, in the present hurried state of +my mind, I had not spirits to oppose. Shocked, alarmed, distressed, I +wrapped a shawl round me, and sprang into the chaise. Montague stepped +in after me, and seated himself by my side; the horses galloped, or +rather flew down the avenue, that led to the high road. + +We travelled with great swiftness, and in uninterrupted silence for +some miles: the darkness was so thick and profound, that I could not +discover the road we took, and I began to feel very impatient to arrive +at the place of our destination. I questioned my companion respecting +his knowledge of our situation, and expressed an apprehension, that we +might possibly have missed the way. He made no reply to my interrogation, +but, starting as if from a reverie, seized my hand, while his own +trembled with a visible agitation, and began once more to urge a suit, +which I had hoped the steadiness and consistency of my conduct had +induced him entirely to relinquish. + +'Is this a time, Mr Montague, for an address of this nature--do +you believe, that my favour is to be gained by these proofs of +inconsideration? Have some respect for the claims of humanity and +friendship, and, in seeking my affection, do not forfeit my esteem.' + +He was about to reply, and I could perceive by the few words which he +uttered, and by the tone of his voice, that he struggled, in vain, to +rein in his quick and irascible spirit; when, in turning a sharp angle +of the road, the horses took fright at some object, indistinctly seen, +and ran precipitately down a steep hill, with a velocity that threatened +immediate destruction. + +My companion, forcing open the door, seemed inclined to leap from the +carriage, but hesitated, as if unwilling to desert me in so imminent a +danger; I exhorted him to think only of providing for his own safety, +and, letting down the glasses on the side on which I sat, I resigned +myself to my fate. In springing from the chaise, by some means, Montague +entangled his coat in the step--he fell, without clearing it, and I +felt, with a horror that congealed my blood, the wheel go over him. In +a few minutes, I perceived a traveller, at the risque of his own life, +endeavouring to stop the horses--the pole of the chaise striking him +with great force, he was obliged to relinquish his humane efforts--but +this impediment occasioning the restive animals to turn out of the road, +they ran furiously up a bank, and overset the carriage. I felt it going, +and sitting, with my arms folded, close in the lower corner, fell with +it, without attempting to struggle, by which means I escaped unhurt. + +The stranger, once more, came to our assistance, and, the mettle of the +horses being now pretty well exhausted, my deliverer was enabled to cut +the traces, and then hastened to extricate me from my perilous situation. +It was some time before I recovered myself sufficiently to thank him for +his humanity, and to assure him, that I had received no other injury +than from my fears. I then mentioned to him, my apprehensions for the +fate of my fellow traveller, entreating that he would return with me in +search of him. With this request he immediately complied, leaving the +horses in the care of the servants, neither of which had received any +material hurt. + +We soon discovered the unfortunate Montague, lying in the road, in a +melancholy situation: the wheel had gone over one of his legs, the bone +of which was broken and splintered in a terrible manner, and, having +fainted from the pain, we were at first apprehensive that he was already +dead. Turning from this shocking spectacle, a faint sickness overspread +my heart, the stranger supported me in his arms, while a violent burst +of tears preserved me from swooning. My companion examining the body, +perceived signs of life, and, by our united efforts, sense and +recollection were soon restored. + +I remained with Montague while the stranger returned to the carriage, to +enquire what damages it had received, and whether it was in a condition +to proceed to the next village, which, the postilion informed him, was +near two miles from the spot where the accident had happened, and we were, +yet, five miles from the place whither we were going. The axle-tree and +one of the hind wheels, upon examination, were found broken, the traces +had been cut in pieces, and the horses, had the chaise been in a better +condition, were so unmanageable, in consequence of their late fright, +that it would have been dangerous to have attempted putting them again +into harness. + +With this intelligence, our kind friend came back to us--We held a short +consultation, on the means most proper to be adopted, and, at length it +was determined, that, after placing Montague in the carriage, where he +should be sheltered from the inclemency of the elements, and leaving him +in the charge of the servants, the traveller and myself should walk +onward to the village, and send a chaise, or litter, for the conveyance +of our unfortunate companion. + +To this proposal Montague assented, at the same time, declaring it to be +his intention, to proceed directly across the country, to the house of +his father, which could not, he conjectured, be at any great distance, +and where he should be assured of meeting with greater attention, and +more skilful assistance, than at a petty inn, in a paltry village. +Having thus adjusted our plan, and, with the help of the servants, +carefully placed Montague in the chaise, we proceeded towards the +village. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + + +The night was tempestuous, and, though the moon was now rising, her +light was every moment obscured by dark clouds, discharging frequent +and heavy showers of rain, accompanied by furious gusts of wind. After +walking near a mile we entered upon a wide heath, which afforded no +shelter from the weather. I perceived my companion's steps began to grow +feeble, and his voice faint. The moon suddenly emerging from a thick +cloud, I observed his countenance, and methought his features seemed +familiar to me; but they were overspread by a pallid and death-like hue. +He stopped suddenly-- + +'I am very ill,' said he, in a tone of voice that penetrated into my +soul, 'and can proceed no further.' + +He sunk upon the turf. Seating myself beside him, while his head fell +on my shoulder, I threw around him my supporting arms. His temples were +bedewed with a cold sweat, and he appeared to be in expiring agonies. A +violent sickness succeeded, followed by an hemorrhage. + +'Gracious God!' I exclaimed, 'you have broken a blood vessel!' + +'I fear so,' he replied. 'I have felt strangely disordered since the +blow I received from the pole of the carriage; but, till this moment, I +have not been at leisure to attend to my sensations.' + +'Do not talk,' cried I, wildly; 'do not exhaust yourself.' + +Again the clouds gathered; an impetuous gust of wind swept over the +heath, and the rain fell in torrents. Unconscious of what I did, I +clasped the stranger to my throbbing bosom,--the coldness of death +seemed upon him--I wrapped my shawl around him, vainly attempting +to screen him from the piercing blast. He spake not; my terrified +imagination already represented him as a lifeless corpse; I sat +motionless for some minutes, in the torpor of despair. + +From this horrible situation, I was, at length, roused, by the sound +of a distant team: breathless, I listened for a few moments; I again +distinctly heard it wafted upon the wind; when, gently reclining my +charge on the grass, I started from the ground, and ran swiftly towards +the highway. The sound approached, and the clouds once more breaking, +and discovering a watery moon-light gleam, I perceived, with joy, a +waggon loaded with hay. I bounded over a part of the turf that still +separated me from the road, and accosting the driver, explained to +him, in a few words, as much of my situation as was necessary; and, +entreating his assistance, allured him by the hope of a reward. + +We returned to my patient; he raised his head on my approach, and +attempted to speak; but, enjoining him silence, he took my hand, and, by +a gentle pressure, expressed his sense of my cares more eloquently than +by words. I assisted the countryman in supporting him to the road. We +prepared for him, in the waggon, a soft bed of hay, upon which we placed +him; and, resting his head on my lap, we proceeded gently to the nearest +village. On our arrival at an indifferent inn, I ordered a bed to be +immediately prepared for him, and sent a man and horse express, to the +next town, for medical assistance: at the same time, relating in brief +the accidents of the night, I dispatched a carriage for the relief of +Montague, who was conveyed, according to his wishes, to the house of his +father. + +Notwithstanding all my precautions, the moving brought on a relapse of +the alarming symptoms; the discharge of blood returned with aggravated +violence, and, when the physician arrived, there appeared in the +unfortunate sufferer but little signs of life; but by the application of +styptics and cordials he once more began to revive; and, about five in +the morning, I was prevailed on, by the joint efforts of the landlady +and the humane Dr----, to resign my seat at the bed's head to a careful +servant, and to recruit my exhausted strength by a few hours' repose. + +The vivid impressions, which had so rapidly succeeded each other in my +mind, for some time kept me waking, in a state of feverish agitation; +but my harrassed spirits were at length relieved by wearied nature's +kind restorer, and I slept for four hours profoundly. + +On waking, my first enquiry was after my companion, in whose state I +felt an unusual degree of interest; and I heard, with pleasure, that +the hemorrhage had not returned; that he had rested with apparent +tranquillity, and appeared revived. I dressed myself hastily, and +passed into his apartment: he faintly smiled on perceiving my approach, +and gave me his hand.--The physician had ordered him to be kept quiet, +and I would not suffer him to speak; but, contemplating more attentively +his countenance, which had the night before struck me with a confused +recollection--what were my emotions, on tracing the beloved features of +Augustus Harley! His resemblance, not only to the portrait, but to his +mother, could not, as I thought, be mistaken. A universal trembling +seized me--I hastened out of the apartment with tottering steps, and +shutting myself into my chamber, a tide of melancholy emotions gushed +upon my heart. I wept, without knowing wherefore, tears half delicious, +half agonizing! Quickly coming to myself, I returned to the chamber of +my patient, (now more tenderly endeared) which, officiating as a nurse +for five days, I never quitted, except to take necessary rest and +refreshment. + +I had written to Mr Morton a minute account of all that happened, merely +suppressing the name of my deliverer: to this letter I received no reply; +but had the pleasure of hearing, on the return of my messenger (who was +commissioned to make enquiries), that Mrs Harley had suffered no return +of her disorder, and was daily acquiring health and strength--I feared, +yet, to acquaint her with the situation of her son; not only on the +account of her own late critical situation, but, also, lest any sudden +agitation of spirits from the arrival of his mother, might, in his +present weak state, be fatal to Augustus. + +I now redoubled for him my cares and attentions: he grew hourly better; +and, when permitted to converse, expressed in lively terms his grateful +sense of my kindness. Ah! why did I misconstrue these emotions, so +natural in such circumstances--why did I flatter my heart with the +belief of a sympathy which did not, could not, exist! + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + + +As my patient began to acquire strength, I demanded of him his name +and family, that I might inform his friends of his situation. On his +answering 'Harley,' I enquired, smiling-- + +If he remembered hearing his mother speak of a little _Protegé_, Emma +Courtney, whom she favoured with her partial friendship? + +'Oh, yes!'--and his curiosity had been strongly awakened to procure a +sight of this lady. + +'Behold her, then, in your nurse!' + +'Is it possible!' he exclaimed, taking my hand, and pressing it with his +lips--'My sister!--my friend!--how shall I ever pay the debt I owe you?' + +'We will settle that matter another time; but it is now become proper +that I should inform your excellent mother of what has happened, which I +have hitherto delayed, lest surprise should be prejudicial to you, and +retard your recovery.' + +I then recounted to him the particulars of the late occurrences, of +which he had before but a confused notion; adding my surprise, that I +had neither seen, nor heard, any thing from Mr Morton. + +He informed me, in his turn, that, having received an express, informing +him of his mother's alarming situation, he immediately quitted the seat +of his friend, where he was on a visit, to hasten to her; that, for this +purpose, riding late, he by some means bewildered himself through the +darkness of the evening, by which mistake he encountered our chaise, and +he hoped was, in some measure, notwithstanding the accidents which ensued, +accessary to my preservation. + +I quitted him to write to my friend, whom I, at length, judged it +necessary to acquaint with his situation. On the receipt of my letter, +she flew to us on the wings of maternal tenderness--folded her beloved +Augustus, and myself, alternately to her affectionate bosom, calling us +'her children--her darling children!--I was her guardian angel--_the +preserver of her son!_--and _he_ only could repay my goodness!' I +ventured to raise my eyes to him--they met his--mine were humid with +tears of tenderness: a cloud passed over his brow--he entreated his +mother to restrain her transports--he was yet too enfeebled to bear +these emotions. She recollected herself in an instant; and, after again +embracing him, leaning on my arm, walked out into the air, to relieve +the tumultuous sensations that pressed upon her heart. + +Once more she made me recite, minutely, the late events--strained me in +her arms, repeatedly calling me-- + +'Her beloved daughter--the meritorious child of her affections--the +preserver of her Augustus!' + +Every word she uttered sunk deep into my soul, that greedily absorbed +the delicious poison, prepared for me by the cruel hand of more than +maternal fondness. + +I mentioned to her my having written to Mr Morton, and my astonishment +at his silence. + +He had not yet returned, she informed me, to Morton Park; and intimated, +that some malicious stories, respecting my sudden disappearance, had +been circulated by Mrs Morton through the neighbourhood. She had herself +been under extreme solicitude on my account. It was generally believed, +from the turn Mrs Morton's malice had given to the affair, that I had +eloped with Mr Montague:--the accident which had befallen him had been +rumoured; but the circumstances, and the occasion of it, had been +variously related. Confiding in my principles, she had waited with +anxiety for the elucidation of these mysterious accounts; lamenting +herself as the innocent occasion of them, yet assured they would, +eventually, prove to my honour. She commended the magnanimity, which her +partial friendship imputed to my behaviour, with all the enthusiasm of +affection, and execrated the baseness of Mrs Morton, who, having +received my letter, must have been acquainted with the real truth. + +Her narration gave me many complicated, and painful, sensations; but the +good opinion of the world, however desirable it may be, as connected +with our utility, has ever been with me but a secondary consideration. +Confiding in the rectitude of my own conduct, I composed my spirits; +depending on that rectitude, and time, for removing the malignant +aspersions which at present clouded my fame. The tale of slander, the +basis of which is falsehood, will quietly wear away; and should it +not--how unfounded, frequently, are the censures of the world--how +confused its judgments! I entreated my friend to say nothing, at +present, to her son on this subject; it was yet of importance that his +mind should be kept still and tranquil. + +We rejoined Augustus at the dinner hour, and spent the day together in +harmony and friendship. The physician calling in the evening, Mrs Harley +consulted him, whether it would be safe to remove her son, as she was +impatient to have him under her own roof. To this the doctor made no +objection, provided he was conveyed in an easy carriage, and by short +stages. On Mrs Harley's thanking him for his polite and humane attention +to his patient, smilingly pointing to me, he replied--'Her thanks were +misplaced.' His look was arch and significant; it called a glow into +my cheeks. I ventured, once more, to steal a glance at Augustus: his +features were again overspread with a more than usual seriousness, while +his eyes seemed designedly averted. Mrs Harley sighed, and, abruptly +changing the subject, asked the physician an indifferent question, who +soon after took his leave. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + +In a few days we returned to the peaceful mansion of my maternal friend. +Augustus seemed revived by the little journey, while every hour brought +with it an increase of health and spirits. Mrs Harley would not suffer +me to speak of going to Morton Park in the absence of its master; +neither could Augustus spare his kind nurse:--'I must stay,' he added, +and methought his accents were softened, 'and complete my charitable +purpose.' My appearance again in the village, the respectability, and +the testimony, of my friends, cleared my fame; and it was only at Morton +Park, that any injurious suspicions were affected to be entertained. + +The hours flew on downy pinions:--my new _brother_, for so he would +call himself, endeavoured to testify his gratitude, by encouraging and +assisting me in the pursuit of learning and science: he gave us lectures +on astronomy and philosophy-- + + 'While truths divine came mended from his tongue.' + +I applied myself to the languages, and aided by my preceptor, attained +a general knowledge of the principles, and philosophy, of criticism and +grammar, and of the rules of composition. Every day brought with it +the acquisition of some new truth; and our intervals from study were +employed in music, in drawing, in conversation, in reading the _belles +lettres_--in-- + + 'The feast of reason, and the flow of souls.' + +The spring was advancing:--we now made little excursions, either on +horseback, in a chaise, or in a boat on the river, through the adjacent +country. The fraternal relation, which Augustus had assumed, banished +restraint, and assisted me in deceiving myself. I drank in large and +intoxicating draughts of a delicious poison, that had circulated through +every vein to my heart, before I was aware of its progress. At length, +part of a conversation, which I accidentally overheard between Mrs Harley +and her son, recalled me to a temporary recollection. + +I was seeking them in the garden, towards the dusk of the evening, and a +filbert hedge separated us. I heard the voice of my friend, as speaking +earnestly, and I unconsciously stopped. + +'It would be a comfort to my declining years to see you the husband of +a woman of virtue and sensibility: domestic affections meliorate the +heart; no one ought to live wholly to himself.' + +'Certainly not, neither does any one; but, in the present state of +society, there are many difficulties and anxieties attending these +connections: they are a lottery, and the prizes are few. I think, +perhaps, nearly with you, but my situation is, _in many respects, +a peculiar one_,'--and he sighed deeply:--Need I enumerate these +peculiarities to you? Neither do I pretend to have lived so long in +the world without imbibing many of its prejudices, and catching the +contagion of its habits.' + +'They are unworthy of you.' + +'Perhaps so--but we will, if you please, change the subject; this to me +is not a pleasant one. What is become of my pupil? It is likely to be a +clear night; let us go in, and prepare for some astronomical +observations.' + +My heart reproved me for listening, I crept back to my chamber--shed +one tear--heaved a convulsive, struggling, sigh--breathed on my +handkerchief, applied it to my eyes, and joined my friends in the +library. + +Four months had rapidly passed--'the spot of azure in the cloudy +sky'--of my destiny. Mr Morton, I was informed, had returned to the +Park, and Augustus, whose health was now thoroughly restored, talked of +quitting the country. I advised with my friends, who agreed with me, +that it was now become proper for me to visit my uncle, and, explaining +to him the late events, justify my conduct. Mrs Harley and her son +offered to accompany me; but this, for many reasons, I declined; taking +my leave of them with a heavy heart, and promising, if I were not kindly +received, an immediate return. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + + +On my arrival at Mr Morton's, the porter informed me, he was ordered +by his lady, to deny my entrance. My swelling heart!--a sentiment of +indignation distended it almost to suffocation.--At this moment, Anne +tripped lightly through the court-yard, and, seeing me, ran to embrace +me. I returned her caresses with warmth. + +'Ah!' said she, 'you are not, you cannot be, guilty. I have been longing +to see you, and to hear all that has happened, but it was not permitted +me.' She added, in a whisper, 'I cannot love my mother, for she torments +and restrains me--my desire of liberty is stronger than my duty--but I +shall one day be able to outwit her.' + +'Will not your father, my love, allow me to speak with him? I have a +right to be heard, and I demand his attention.' + +'He is in his dressing-room,' said Ann, 'I will slide softly, to him, +and tell him you are here.' + +Away she flew, and one of the footmen presently returned, to conduct me +to his master. I found him alone, he received me with a grave and severe +aspect. I related to him, circumstantially, the occurrences which had +taken place during his absence. My words, my voice, my manner, were +emphatic--animated with the energy of truth--they extorted, they +commanded, they, irresistibly, compelled assent. His features softened, +his eyes glistened, he held out his hand, he was about to speak--he +hesitated a moment, and sighed. At this instant, Mrs Morton burst into +the room, with the aspect of a fury--her bloated countenance yet more +swelled and hideous--I shrunk back involuntarily--she poured forth a +torrent of abuse and invective. A momentary recollection reassured +me--waiting till she had exhausted her breath, I turned from her, and +to her husband, with calm dignity-- + +'I thank you, Sir, for all the kindness I have received from you--I am +convinced you do me justice--_for this I do not thank you_, it was a +duty to which I had a claim, and which you owed, not only to me, but, +to yourself. My longer continuance in this house, I feel, would be +improper. For the present, I return to Mrs Harley's, where I shall +respectfully receive, and maturely weigh, any counsels with which you +may in future think proper to favour me.' + +Mr Morton bowed his head; poor man! his mild spirit was overborne, he +dared not assert the dictates of his own reason. I hurried out of +the apartment, and hastily embracing Ann, who awaited me in the hall, +charging myself with a hundred kisses for Mrs Harley, I took the way to +the hospitable mansion of my friend. + +I had proceeded about half a mile, when I beheld Augustus, advancing +towards me; he observed my tremulous emotions, and pallid countenance; +he took my hand, holding it with a gentle pressure, and, throwing +his other arm round me, supported my faultering steps. His voice +was the voice of kindness--his words spake assurance, and breathed +hope--_fallacious hope!_--My heart melted within me--my tremor +encreased--I dissolved into tears. + +'A deserted outcast from society--a desolate orphan--what was to become +of me--to whom could I fly?' + +'Unjust girl! have I then forfeited all your confidence--have you not a +mother and a friend, who love you--' he stopped--paused--and added 'with +maternal, with _fraternal_, tenderness? to whom would you go?--remain +with us, your society will cheer my mother's declining years'--again +he hesitated,--'I am about to return to town, assure me, that you will +continue with Mrs Harley--it will soften the pain of separation.' + +I struggled for more fortitude--hinted at the narrowness of my fortune--at +my wish to exert my talents in some way, that should procure me a less +dependent situation--spoke of my active spirit--of my abhorrence of a +life of indolence and vacuity. + +He insisted on my waving these subjects for the present. 'There would +be time enough, in future, for their consideration. In the mean while, +I might go on improving myself, and whether present or absent, might +depend upon him, for every assistance in his power.' + +His soothing kindness, aided by the affectionate attentions of my +friend, gradually, lulled my mind into tranquillity. My bosom was +agitated, only, by a slight and sweet emotion--like the gentle +undulations of the ocean, when the winds, that swept over its ruffled +surface, are hushed into repose. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + + +Another month passed away--every hour, I imbibed, in large draughts, the +deceitful poison of hope. A few days before that appointed for the +departure of Augustus, I received a visit from Mr Montague, of whose +situation, during his confinement, I had made many enquiries, and it +was with unaffected pleasure that I beheld him perfectly restored to +health. I introduced him to my friends, who congratulated him upon his +recovery, and treated him with that polite and cordial hospitality which +characterized them. He was on his way to Morton Park, and was particular +in his enquiries respecting the late conduct of the lady of the mansion, +of which he had heard some confused reports. I could not conceal from +him our final separation, but, aware of his inflammable temper, I +endeavoured to soften my recital as far as was consistent with truth and +justice. It was with difficulty, that our united persuasions induced him +to restrain his fiery spirit, which broke out into menaces and +execrations. I represented to him-- + +'That every thing had been already explained; that the affair had now +subsided; that a reconciliation was neither probable nor desirable; that +any interference, on his part, would only tend to mutual exasperation, +from which I must eventually be the sufferer.' + +I extorted from him a promise--that, as he was necessitated to meet Mr +Morton on business, he would make no allusions to the past--I should be +mortified, (I added) by having it supposed, that I stood in need of a +_champion_.--Mr Morton had no doubts of the rectitude of my conduct, and +it would be barbarous to involve him in a perpetual domestic warfare. + +Mr Montague, at the request of Augustus, spent that day, and the next, +with us. I thought, I perceived, that he regarded Mr Harley with a +scrutinizing eye, and observed my respect for, and attention to, him, +with jealous apprehension. Before his departure, he requested half an +hour's conversation with me alone, with which request I immediately +complied, and withdrew with him into an adjoining compartment. He +informed me-- + +'That he was going to London to pursue his medical studies--that, on his +return, his father had proposed to establish him in his profession--that +his prospects were very favourable, and that he should esteem himself +completely happy if he might, yet, hope to soften my heart in his +favour, and to place me in a more assured and tranquil position.' + +I breathed a heavy sigh, and sunk into a melancholy reverie. + +'Speak to me, Emma,' said he, with impatience, 'and relieve the anxiety +I suffer.' + +'Alas! What can I say?' + +'Say, that you will try to love me, that you will reward my faith and +perseverance.' + +'Would to God, I could'--I hesitated--my eyes filled with tears--'Go to +London,' resumed I; 'a thousand new objects will there quickly obliterate +from your remembrance a romantic and ill-fated attachment, to which +retirement, and the want of other impression, has given birth, and which +owes its strength merely to opposition.' + +'As that opposition,' retorted he, 'is the offspring of pride and +insensibility--' + +I looked at him with a mournful air--'Do not reproach me, Montague, my +situation is far more pitiable than yours. _I am, indeed, unhappy_,' +--added I, after a pause; 'I, like you, am the victim of a raised, of, I +fear, a distempered imagination.' + +He eagerly entreated me to explain myself. + +'I will not attempt to deceive you--I should accuse myself, were I to +preserve any sentiment, however delicate its nature, that might tend +to remove your present illusion. It is, I confess, with extreme +reluctance--with real pain'--I trembled--my voice faultered, and I felt +my colour vary--'that I constrain myself to acknowledge a hopeless, an +extravagant'--I stopped, unable to proceed. + +Fire flashed from his eyes, he started from his seat, and took two or +three hasty strides across the room. + +'I understand you, but too well--Augustus Harley shall dispute with me a +prize'-- + +'Stop, Sir, be not unjust--make not an ungenerous return to the +confidence I have reposed in you. Respect the violence which, on your +account, I have done to my own feelings. I own, that I have not been +able to defend my heart against the accomplishments and high qualities +of Mr Harley--I respected his virtues and attainments, and, by a too +easy transition--at length--_loved his person_. But my tenderness is a +secret to all the world but yourself--It has not met with'--a burning +blush suffused my cheek--'It has little hope of meeting, a return. To +your _honor_ I have confided this cherished _secret_--dare you betray my +confidence? I know, you dare not!' + +He seemed affected--his mind appeared torn by a variety of conflicting +emotions, that struggled for victory--he walked towards me, and again to +the door, several times. I approached him--I gave him my hand-- + +'Adieu, Montague,' said I, in a softened accent--'Be assured of my +sympathy--of my esteem--of my best wishes! When you can meet me with +calmness, I shall rejoice to see you--_as a friend_. Amidst some excesses, +I perceive the seeds of real worth in your character, cultivate them, +they may yield a noble harvest. I shall not be forgetful of the +distinction you have shewn me, _when almost a deserted orphan_--Once +again--farewel, my friend, and--may God bless you!' + +I precipitately withdrew my hand from his, and rushed out of the room. I +retired to my chamber, and it was some hours before my spirits became +sufficiently composed to allow me to rejoin my friends. On meeting +them, Mrs Harley mentioned, with some surprize, the abrupt departure of +Montague, who had quitted the house, without taking leave of its owners, +by whom he had been so politely received. + +'He is a fine young man,' added she, 'but appears to be very eccentric.' + +Augustus was silent, but fixed his penetrating eyes on my face, with an +expression that covered me with confusion. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + + +The day fixed for the departure of Mr Harley, for London, now drew +near--I had anticipated this period with the most cruel inquietude. I +was going to lose, perhaps for ever, my preceptor, my friend! He, from +whom my mind had acquired knowledge, and in whose presence my heart had +rested satisfied. I had hitherto scarcely formed a wish beyond that of +daily beholding, and listening to him--I was now to gaze on that beloved +countenance, to listen to those soothing accents, no longer. He was +about to mix in the gay world--to lose in the hurry of business, or of +pleasure, the remembrance of those tender, rational, tranquil, moments, +sacred to virtue and friendship, that had left an indelible impression +on my heart. Could I, indeed, flatter myself, that the idea of the timid, +affectionate, Emma, would ever recur to his mind in the tumultuous +scenes of the crouded metropolis, it would doubtless quickly be effaced, +and lost in the multiplicity of engagements and avocations. How should +I, buried in solitude and silence, recall it to his recollection, how +contrive to mingle it with his thoughts, and entangle it with his +associations? Ah! did he but know my tenderness--_the desire of being +beloved_, of inspiring sympathy, is congenial to the human heart--why +should I hesitate to inform him of my affection--why do I blush and +tremble at the mere idea? It is a false shame! It is a pernicious system +of morals, which teaches us that hypocrisy can be virtue! He is well +acquainted with the purity, and with the sincerity, of my heart--he will +at least regard me with esteem and tender pity--and how often has 'pity +melted the soul to love!' The experiment is, surely, innocent, and +little hazardous. What I have to apprehend? Can I distrust, for a +moment, those principles of rectitude, of honour, of goodness, which +gave birth to my affection? Have I not witnessed his humanity, have I +not experienced his delicacy, in a thousand instances? Though he should +be obliged to wound, he is incapable of insulting, the heart that loves +him; and that, loving him, believed, alas! for a long time, _that it +loved only virtue_! + +The morning of our separation, at last, arrived. My friend, too much +indisposed to attend the breakfast table, took leave of her son in her +own apartment. I awaited him, in the library, with a beating heart, and, +on his departure, put into his hands a paper.-- + +'Read it not,' said I, in a low and almost inarticulate tone of voice, +'till arrived at the end of your journey; or, at least, till you are ten +miles from hence.' + +He received it in silence; but it was a silence more expressive than +words. + + + 'Suffer me,' it said, 'for a few moments, to solicit your + candour and attention. You are the only man in the world, to + whom I could venture to confide sentiments, that to many + would be inconceivable; and by those, who are unacquainted + with the human mind, and the variety of circumstances by + which characters are variously impressed and formed--who are + accustomed to consider mankind in masses--who have been used + to bend implicitly, to custom and prescription--the deviation + of a solitary individual from _rules_ sanctioned by usage, by + prejudice, by expediency, would be regarded as romantic. I + frankly avow, while my cheeks glow with the blushes of + _modesty_, not of shame, that your virtues and accomplishments + have excited in my bosom an affection, as pure as the motives + which gave it birth, and as animated as it is pure.--This + ingenuous avowal may perhaps affect, but will scarcely (I + suspect) surprise, you; for, incapable of dissimulation, + the emotions of my mind are ever but too apparent in my + expressions, and in my conduct, to deceive a less penetrating + eye than yours--neither have I been solicitous to disguise + them. + + 'It has been observed, that,' "the strength of an affection + is generally in the same proportion, as the character of the + species, in the object beloved, is lost in that of the + individual,"[5] and, that individuality of character is the + only fastener of the affections. It is certain, however + singular it may appear, that many months before we became + personally acquainted, the report of your worth and high + qualities had generated in my mind, an esteem and reverence, + which has gradually ripened into a tenderness, that has, at + length, mixed itself with all my associations, and is become + interwoven with every fibre of my heart. + + [Footnote 5: Wolstonecraft's Rights of Woman.] + + 'I have reflected, again and again, on the imprudence of + cherishing an attachment, which a variety of circumstances + combine to render so unpromising, and--What shall I say?--So + peculiar is the constitution of my mind, that those very + circumstances have had a tendency directly opposite to what + might reasonably have been expected; and have only served to + render the sentiment, I have delighted to foster, more + affecting and interesting.--Yes! I am aware of the tenure + upon which you retain your fortunes--of the cruel and + unnatural conditions imposed on you by the capricious + testator: neither can I require a sacrifice which I am unable + to recompence. But while these melancholy convictions + deprive me of hope, they encourage me, by proving the + disinterestedness of my attachment, to relieve my heart by + communication.--Mine is a whimsical pride, which dreads + nothing so much as the imputation of sordid, or sinister + motives. Remember, then--should we never meet again--if in + future periods you should find, that the friendship of the + world is--"a shade that follows wealth and fame;"--if, + where you have conferred obligations, you are repaid + with ingratitude--where you have placed confidence, with + treachery--and where you have a claim to zeal, with coldness! + Remember, _that you have once been beloved, for yourself + alone_, by one, who, in contributing to the comfort of your + life, would have found the happiness of her own. + + 'Is it possible that a mind like yours, neither hardened by + prosperity, nor debased by fashionable levity--which vice has + not corrupted, nor ignorance brutalized--can be wholly + insensible to the balmy sweetness, which natural, + unsophisticated, affections, shed through the human heart? + + "Shall those by heaven's own influence join'd, + By feeling, sympathy, and mind, + The sacred voice of truth deny, + And mock the mandate of the sky?" + +'But I check my pen:--I am no longer-- + + "The hope-flush'd enterer on the stage of life." + + 'The dreams of youth, chaced by premature reflection, have + given place to soberer, to sadder, conclusions; and while I + acknowledge, that it would be inexpressibly soothing to me + to believe, that in happier circumstances, my artless + affection might have awakened in your mind a sympathetic + tenderness:--this is the extent of my hopes!--I recollect you + once told me "It was our duty to make our reason conquer the + sensibility of our heart." Yet, why? Is, then, apathy the + perfection of our nature--and is not that nature refined and + harmonized by the gentle and social affections? The Being who + gave to the mind its reason, gave also to the heart its + sensibility. + + 'I make no apologies for, because I feel no consciousness of, + weakness. An attachment sanctioned by nature, reason, and + virtue, ennoble the mind capable of conceiving and cherishing + it: of such an attachment a corrupt heart is utterly + incapable. + + 'You may tell me, perhaps, "that the portrait on which my + fancy has dwelt enamoured, owes all its graces, its glowing + colouring--like the ideal beauty of the ancient artists--to + the imagination capable of sketching the dangerous + picture."--Allowing this, for a moment, _the sentiments it + inspires are not the less genuine_; and without some degree + of illusion, and enthusiasm, all that refines, exalts, + softens, embellishes, life--genius, virtue, love itself, + languishes. But, on this subject, my opinions have not been + lightly formed:--it is not to the personal graces, though + "the body charms, because the mind is seen," but to the + virtues and talents of the individual (for without intellect, + virtue is an empty name), that my heart does homage; and, + were I never again to behold you--were you even the husband + of another--my tenderness (a tenderness as innocent as it is + lively) would never cease! + + 'But, methinks, I hear you say,--"Whither does all this tend, + and what end does it propose?" Alas! this is a question I + scarcely dare to ask myself!--Yet, allow me to request, that + you will make me one promise, and resolve me one + question:--ah! do not evade this enquiry; for much it imports + me to have an explicit reply, lest, in indulging my own + feelings, I should, unconsciously, plant a thorn in the bosom + of another:--_Is your heart, at present, free?_ Or should + you, in future, form a tender engagement, tell me, that I + shall receive the first intimation of it from yourself; and, + in the assurance of your happiness, I will learn to forget my + own. + + 'I aspire to no higher title than that of the most faithful + of your friends, and the wish of becoming worthy of your + esteem and confidence shall afford me a motive for + improvement. I will learn of you moderation, equanimity, and + self-command, and you will, perhaps, continue to afford me + direction, and assistance, in the pursuit of knowledge and + truth. + + 'I have laid down my pen, again and again, and still taken it + up to add something more, from an anxiety, lest even you, of + whose delicacy I have experienced repeated proofs, should + misconstrue me.--"Oh! what a world is this!--into what false + habits has it fallen! Can hypocrisy be virtue? Can a desire + to call forth all the best affections of the heart, be + misconstrued into something too degrading for expression?"[6] + But I will banish these apprehensions; I am convinced they + are injurious. + + 'Yes!--I repeat it--I relinquish my pen with reluctance. A + melancholy satisfaction, from what source I can scarcely + define, diffuses itself through my heart while I unfold to + you its emotions.--Write to me; be _ingenuous_; I desire, I + call for, truth! + + 'EMMA.' + + + [Footnote 6: Holcroft's Anna St Ives.] + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + + +I had not courage to make my friend a confident of the step I had taken; +so wild, and so romantic, did it appear, even to myself--a false pride, +a false shame, with-held me. I brooded in silence over the sentiment, +that preyed on the bosom which cherished it. Every morning dawned with +expectation, and every evening closed in disappointment. I walked +daily to the post-office, with precipitate steps and a throbbing heart, +to enquire for letters, but in vain; and returned slow, dejected, +spiritless. _Hope_, one hour, animated my bosom and flushed my cheek; +the next, pale despair shed its torpid influence through my languid +frame. Inquietude, at length, gradually gave place to despondency, and +I sunk into lassitude. + +My studies no longer afforded me any pleasure. I turned over my books, +incapable of fixing my attention; took out my drawings, threw them +aside; moved, restless and dissatisfied, from seat to seat; sought, with +unconscious steps, the library, and, throwing myself on the sopha, with +folded arms, fixed my eyes on the picture of Augustus, which had lately +been replaced, and sunk into waking dreams of ideal perfection and +visionary bliss. I gazed on the lifeless features, engraven on my heart +in colours yet more true and vivid--but where was the benignant smile, +the intelligent glance, the varying expression? Where the pleasant +voice, whose accents had been melody in my ear; that had cheered me in +sadness, dispelled the vapours of distrust and melancholy, and awakened +my emulation for science and improvement? Starting from a train of +poignant and distressing emotions, I fled from an apartment once so +dear, presenting now but the ghosts of departed pleasures--fled into the +woods, and buried myself in their deepest recesses; or, shutting myself +in my chamber, avoided the sight of my friend, whose dejected +countenance but the more forcibly reminded me-- + + 'That such things were, and were most dear.' + +In this state of mind, looking one day over my papers, without any known +end in view, I accidentally opened a letter from Mr Francis (with whom I +still continued, occasionally, to correspond), which I had recently +received. I eagerly seized, and re-perused, it. My spirits were weakened; +the kindness which it expressed affected me--it touched my heart--it +excited my tears. I determined instantly to reply to it, and to +acknowledge my sense of his goodness. + +My mind was overwhelmed with the pressure of its own thoughts; a gleam +of joy darted through the thick mists that pervaded it; communication +would relieve the burthen. I took up my pen; and, though I dared not +betray the fatal secret concealed, as a sacred treasure, in the bottom +of my heart, I yet gave a loose to, I endeavoured to paint, its +sensations. + +After briefly sketching the events that had driven me from Morton Park +(of which I had not hitherto judged it necessary to inform him), without +hinting the name of my deliverer, or suffering myself to dwell on the +services he had rendered me, I mentioned my present temporary residence +at the house of a friend, and expressed an impatience at my solitary, +inactive, situation. + +I went on-- + + + 'To what purpose should I trouble you with a thousand + wayward, contradictory, ideas and emotions, that I am, + myself, unable to disentangle--which have, perhaps, floated + in every mind, that has had leisure for reflection--which + are distinguished by no originality, and which I may express + (though not feel) without force? I sought to cultivate my + understanding, and exercise my reason, that, by adding + variety to my resources, I might increase the number of my + enjoyments: for _happiness_ is, surely, the only desirable + _end_ of existence! But when I ask myself, Whether I am + yet nearer to the end proposed?--I dare not deceive + myself--sincerity obliges me to answer in the negative. I + daily perceive the gay and the frivolous, among my sex, + amused with every passing trifle; gratified by the insipid + _routine_ of heartless, mindless, intercourse; fully + occupied, alternately, by domestic employment, or the + childish vanity of varying external ornaments, and "hanging + drapery on a smooth block." I do not affect to despise, and + I regularly practise, the necessary avocations of my sex; + neither am I superior to their vanities. The habits acquired + by early precept and example adhere tenaciously; and are + never, perhaps, entirely eradicated. But all these are + insufficient to engross, to satisfy, the active, aspiring, + mind. Hemmed in on every side by the constitutions of + society, and not less so, it may be, by my own prejudices--I + perceive, indignantly perceive, the magic circle, without + knowing how to dissolve the powerful spell. While men pursue + interest, honor, pleasure, as accords with their several + dispositions, women, who have too much delicacy, sense, + and spirit, to degrade themselves by the vilest of all + interchanges, remain insulated beings, and must be content + tamely to look on, without taking any part in the great, + though often absurd and tragical, drama of life. Hence the + eccentricities of conduct, with which women of superior + minds have been accused--the struggles, the despairing + though generous struggles, of an ardent spirit, denied a + scope for its exertions! The strong feelings, and strong + energies, which properly directed, in a field sufficiently + wide, might--ah! what might they not have aided? forced + back, and pent up, ravage and destroy the mind which gave + them birth! + + 'Yes, I confess, _I am unhappy_, unhappy in proportion as I + believe myself (it may be, erringly) improved. Philosophy, + it is said, should regulate the feelings, but it has added + fervor to mine! What are passions, but another name for + powers? The mind capable of receiving the most forcible + impressions is the sublimely improveable mind! Yet, into + whatever trains such minds are accidentally directed, they + are prone to enthusiasm, while the vulgar stupidly wonder at + the effects of powers, to them wholly inconceivable: the + weak and the timid, easily discouraged, are induced, by the + first failure, to relinquish their pursuits. "They make the + impossibility they fear!" But the bold and the persevering, + from repeated disappointment, derive only new ardor and + activity. "They conquer difficulties, by daring to attempt + them." + + 'I feel, that I am writing in a desultory manner, that I am + unable to crowd my ideas into the compass of a letter, and, + that could I do so, I should perhaps only weary you. There + are but few persons to whom I would venture to complain, few + would understand, and still fewer sympathise with me. You + are in health, they would say, in the spring of life, have + every thing supplied you without labour (so much the worse) + nature, reason, open to you their treasures! All this is, + partly, true--but, with inexpressible yearnings, my soul + pants for something more, something higher! The morning + rises upon me with sadness, and the evening closes with + disgust--Imperfection, uncertainty, is impressed on every + object, on every pursuit! I am either restless or torpid, I + seek to-day, what to-morrow, wearies and offends me. + + 'I entered life, flushed with hope--I have proceeded but a + few steps, and the parterre of roses, viewed in distant + prospect, nearer seen, proves a brake of thorns. The few + worthy persons I have known appear, to me, to be struggling + with the same half suppressed emotions.--Whence is all this? + Why is intellect and virtue so far from conferring happiness? + Why is the active mind a prey to the incessant conflict + between truth and error? Shall I look beyond the disorders + which, _here_, appear to me so inexplicable?--shall I + expect, shall I demand, from the inscrutable Being to whom I + owe my existence, in future unconceived periods, the _end_ + of which I believe myself capable, and which capacity, like + a tormenting _ignis fatuus_, has hitherto served only to + torture and betray? The animal rises up to satisfy the + cravings of nature, and lies down to repose, undisturbed by + care--has man superior powers, only to make him pre-eminently + wretched?--wretched, it seems to me, in proportion as he + rises? Assist me, in disentangling my bewildered ideas--write + to me--reprove me--spare me not! + + 'EMMA.' + + +To this letter I quickly received a kind and consolatory reply, though +not unmingled with the reproof I called for. It afforded me but a +temporary relief, and I once more sunk into inanity; my faculties rusted +for want of exercise, my reason grew feeble, and my imagination morbid. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + + +A pacquet of letters, at length, arrived from London--Mrs Harley, with +a look that seemed to search the soul, put one into my hands--The +superscription bore the well known characters--yes, it was from +Augustus, and addressed to Emma--I ran, with it, into my chamber, locked +myself in, tore it almost asunder with a tremulous hand, perused its +contents with avidity--scarce daring to respire--I reperused it again +and again. + + + 'I had trusted my confessions' (it said) 'to one who had + made the human heart his study, who could not be affected + by them improperly. It spoke of the illusions of the + passions--of the false and flattering medium through which + they presented objects to our view. He had answered my + letter earlier, had it not involved him in too many thoughts + to do it with ease. There was a great part of it to which he + knew not how to reply--perhaps, on some subjects, it was not + necessary to be explicit. And now, it may be, he had better + be silent--he was dissatisfied with what he had written, + but, were he to write again, he doubted if he should please + himself any better.--He was highly flattered by the + favourable opinion I entertained of him, it was a grateful + proof, not of his merit, but of the warmth of my friendship, + &c. &c.' + + +This letter appeared to me vague, obscure, enigmatical. Unsatisfied, +disappointed, I felt, I had little to hope--and, yet, had no _distinct_ +ground of fear. I brooded over it, I tortured its meaning into a hundred +forms--I spake of it to my friend, but in general terms, in which she +seemed to acquiesce: she appeared to have made a determination, not to +enquire after what I was unwilling to disclose; she wholly confided +both in my principles, and in those of her son: I was wounded by what, +entangled in prejudice, I conceived to be a necessity for this reserve. + +Again I addressed the man, whose image, in the absence of all other +impressions, I had suffered to gain in my mind this dangerous +ascendency. + + + TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY. + + 'I, once more, take up my pen with a mind so full of + thought, that I foresee I am about to trespass on your time + and patience--yet, perhaps, to one who makes "the human + heart his study," it may not be wholly uninteresting to + trace a faithful delineation of the emotions and sentiments + of an ingenuous, uncorrupted, mind--a mind formed by + solitude, and habits of reflection, to some strength of + character. + + 'If to have been more guarded and reserved would have been + more discreet, I have already forfeited all claim to this + discretion--to affect it now, would be vain, and, by + pursuing a middle course, I should resign the only advantage + I may ever derive from my sincerity, the advantage of + expressing my thoughts and feelings with freedom. + + 'The conduct, which I have been led to adopt, has been the + result of a combination of peculiar circumstances, _and is + not what I would recommend to general imitation_--To say + nothing of the hazards it might involve, I am aware, + generally speaking, arguments might be adduced, to prove, + that certain customs, of which I, yet, think there is reason + to complain, may not have been unfounded in nature--I am led + to speak thus, because I am not willing to spare myself, but + would alledge all which you might have felt inclined to + hint, had you not been with-held by motives of delicate + consideration. + + 'Of what then, you may ask, do I complain?--Not of the laws + of nature! But when mind has given dignity to natural + affections; when reason, culture, taste, and delicacy, have + combined to chasten, to refine, to exalt (shall I say) to + sanctity them--Is there, then, no cause to complain of rigor + and severity, that such minds must either passively submit + to a vile traffic, or be content to relinquish all the + endearing sympathies of life? Nature has formed woman + peculiarly susceptible of the tender affections. "The voice + of nature is too strong to be silenced by artificial + precepts." To feel these affections in a supreme degree, + a mind enriched by literature and expanded by fancy + and reflection, is necessary--for it is intellect and + imagination only, that can give energy and interest to-- + + "The thousand soft sensations-- + Which vulgar souls want faculties to taste, + Who take their good and evil in the gross." + + 'I wish we were in the vehicular state, and that you + understood the sentient language;[7] you might then + comprehend the whole of what I mean to express, but find too + delicate for _words_. But I do you injustice. + + [Footnote 7: See Light of Nature pursued. An entertaining + philosophical work.] + + 'If the affections are, indeed, generated by sympathy, where + the principles, pursuits, and habits, are congenial--where + the _end_, sought to be attained, is-- + + "Something, than beauty dearer," + + 'You may, perhaps, agree with me, that it is almost + indifferent on which side the sentiment originates. Yet, I + confess, my frankness has involved me in many after thoughts + and inquietudes; inquietudes, which all my reasoning is, at + times, insufficient to allay. The shame of being singular, + it has been justly observed,[8] requires strong principles, + and much native firmness of temper, to surmount.--Those who + deviate from the beaten track must expect to be entangled in + the thicket, and wounded by many a thorn--my wandering feet + have already been deeply pierced. + + [Footnote 8: Aikin's Letters.] + + 'I should vainly attempt to describe the struggles, the + solicitudes, the doubts, the apprehensions, that alternately + rend my heart! I feel, that I have "put to sea upon a + shattered plank, and placed my trust in miracles for + safety." I dread, one moment, lest, in attempting to awaken + your tenderness, I may have forfeited your respect; the + next, that I have mistaken a delusive meteor for the sober + light of reason. In retirement, numberless contradictory + emotions revolve in my disturbed mind:--in company, I start + and shudder from accidental allusions, in which no one but + myself could trace any application. The end of doubt is the + beginning of repose. Say, then, to me, that it is a + principle in human nature, however ungenerous, to esteem + lightly what may be attained without difficulty.--Tell me to + make distinctions between love and friendship, of which I + have, hitherto, been able to form no idea.--Say, that the + former is the caprice of fancy, founded on external graces, + to which I have little pretension, and that it is vain to + pretend, that-- + + "Truth and good are one, + And beauty dwells with them." + + 'Tell me, that I have indulged too long the wild and + extravagant chimeras of a romantic imagination. Let us walk + together into the palace of Truth, where (it is fancifully + related by an ingenious writer,[9] that) every one was + compelled by an irresistible, controuling, power, to reveal + his inmost sentiments! All this I will bear, and will still + respect your integrity, and confide in your principles; but + I can no longer sustain a suspense that preys upon my + spirits. It is not the Book of Fate--it is your mind, only, + I desire to read. A sickly apprehension overspreads my + heart--I pause here, unable to proceed.' + + 'EMMA.' + + + [Footnote 9: Madame de Genlis's Tales of the Castle.] + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII + + +Week after week, month after month, passed away in the anguish of +vain expectation: my letter was not answered, and I again sunk into +despondency.--Winter drew near. I shuddered at the approach of this +dreary and desolate season, when I was roused by the receipt of a letter +from one of the daughters of the maternal aunt, under whose care I had +spent the happy, thoughtless, days of childhood. My cousin informed me-- + + + 'That she had married an officer in the East India service; + that soon after their union he was ordered abroad, and + stationed in Bengal for three years, during which period she + was to remain in a commodious and pleasant house, situated + in the vicinity of the metropolis. She had been informed of + my removal from Morton Park, and had no doubt but I should + be able to give a satisfactory account of the occasion of + that removal. She purposed, during the absence of her husband, + to let out a part of her house; and should I not be fixed + in my present residence, would be happy to accommodate me + with an apartment, on terms that should be rather dictated + by friendship than interest. She also hinted, that a + neighbouring lady, of respectable character, would be glad to + avail herself of the occasional assistance of an accomplished + woman in the education of her daughters; that she had + mentioned me to her in advantageous terms, conceiving that I + should have no objection, by such a means, to exercise my + talents, to render myself useful, and to augment my small + income.' + + +This intelligence filled me with delight: the idea of change, of +exertion, of new scenes--shall I add, _of breathing the same air with +Augustus_, rushed tumultuously through my imagination. Flying eagerly to +my friend, to impart these tidings, I was not aware of the ungrateful +and inconsiderate appearance which these exultations must give me in her +eyes, till I perceived the starting tear.--It touched, it electrified, +my heart; and, throwing myself into her arms, I caught the soft +contagion, and wept aloud. + +'Go, Emma--my daughter,' said this excellent woman; 'I banish the +selfish regret that would prompt me to detain you. I perceive this +solitude is destructive to thy ardent mind. Go, vary your impressions, +and expand your sensations; gladden me only from time to time with an +account of your progress and welfare.' + +I had but little preparation to make. I canvassed over, with my friend, +a thousand plans, and formed as many expectations and conjectures; but +they all secretly tended to one point, and concentrated in one object. I +gave my cousin notice that I should be with her in a few days--settled +a future correspondence with my friend--embraced her, at parting, with +unfeigned, and tender, sorrow--and, placing myself in a stage-coach, +that passed daily through the village, took the road, once more, with +a fluttering heart, to London. We travelled all night--it was cold and +dreary--but my fancy was busied with various images, and my bosom +throbbing with lively, though indistinct sensations. + +The next day, at noon, I arrived, without accident, at the residence of +my relation, Mrs Denbeigh. She received me with unaffected cordiality: +our former amity was renewed; we spent the evening together, recalling +past scenes; and, on retiring, I was shewn into a neat chamber, which +had been prepared for me, with a light closet adjoining. The next day, +I was introduced to the lady, mentioned to me by my kind hostess, and +agreed to devote three mornings in the week to the instruction of the +young ladies (her daughters), in various branches of education. + + + + +_Memoirs of Emma Courtney_ + + + + +VOLUME II + + + + +TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY + + + 'My friend, my son, it is for your benefit, that I have + determined on reviewing the sentiments, and the incidents, + of my past life. Cold declamation can avail but little + towards the reformation of our errors. It is by tracing, by + developing, the passions in the minds of others; tracing + them, from the seeds by which they have been generated, + through all their extended consequences, that we learn, the + more effectually, to regulate and to subdue our own. + + 'I repeat, it will cost me some pain to be ingenuous in the + recital which I have pledged myself to give you; even in the + moment when I resume my pen, prejudice continues to struggle + with principle, and I feel an inclination to retract. While + unfolding a series of error and mortification, I tremble, + lest, in warning you to shun the rocks and quicksands amidst + which my little bark has foundered, I should forfeit your + respect and esteem, the pride, and the comfort, of my + declining years. But you are deeply interested in my + narrative, you tell me, and you entreat me to proceed.' + + + + +CHAPTER I + + +Change of scene, regular employment, attention to my pupils, and the +conscious pride of independence, afforded a temporary relief to my +spirits. My first care, on my arrival in town, was to gladden the mind +of my dear benefactress, by a minute detail of the present comforts and +occupations. + +She had charged me with affectionate remembrance and letters to her son. +I enclosed these letters; and, after informing him (in the cover) of +the change of my situation, and the incident which had occasioned it, +complained of the silence he had observed towards my last letter. + + + --'If,' said I, 'from having observed the social and + sympathetic nature of our feelings and affections, I + suffered myself to yield, involuntarily, to the soothing + idea, that the ingenuous avowal of an attachment so tender, + so sincere, so artless, as mine, could not have been + unaffecting to a mind with which my own proudly claimed + kindred:--if I fondly believed, that simplicity, modesty, + truth--the eye beaming with sensibility, the cheek mantling + with the glow of affection, the features softened, the + accents modulated, by ineffable tenderness, might, in the + eyes of a virtuous man, have supplied the place of more + dazzling accomplishments, and more seductive charms: if I + over-rated my own merit, and my own powers--surely my + mistakes were sufficiently humiliating! You should not, + indeed you should not, have obliged me to arrive at the + conviction through a series of deductions so full of + mortification and anguish. You are too well acquainted with + the human heart not to be sensible, that no certainty can + equal the misery of conjecture, in a mind of ardour--the + agonizing images which _suspense_ forces upon the tender + and sensible heart! You should have written, in pity to the + situation of my mind. I would have thanked you for being + ingenuous, even though, like Hamlet, you had _spoke + daggers_. I expected it, from your character, and I had a + claim to your sincerity. + + 'But it is past!--the vision is dissolved! The barbed arrow + is not extracted with more pain, than the enchantments of + hope from the ardent and sanguine spirit! But why am I to + lose your friendship? My heart tells me, I have not deserved + this! Do not suspect, that I have so little justice, or so + little magnanimity, as to refuse you the privilege, the + enviable privilege, of being master of your own affections. + I am unhappy, I confess; the principal charm of my life is + fled, and the hopes that should enliven future prospects are + faint: melancholy too often obscures reason, and a heart, + perhaps too tender, preys on itself. + + 'I suspect I had formed some vain and extravagant + expectations. I could have loved you, had you permitted it, + with no mean, nor common attachment.--My words, my looks, my + actions, betrayed me, ere I suffered my feelings to dictate + to my pen. Would to God, I had buried this fatal secret in + the bottom of my soul! But repentance is, now, too late. Yet + the sensible heart yearns to disclose itself--and to whom + can it confide its sentiments, with equal propriety, as to + him who will know how to pity the errors, of which he feels + himself, however involuntarily, the cause? The world might + think my choice in a confident singular; it has been my + misfortune seldom to think with the world, and I ought, + perhaps, patiently to submit to the inconveniences to which + this singularity has exposed me. + + 'I know not how, without doing myself a painful violence, to + relinquish your society; and why, let me again ask, should + I? I now desire only that repose which is the end of doubt, + and this, I think, I should regain by one hour's frank + conversation with you; I would compose myself, listen to + you, and yield to the sovereignty of reason. After such an + interview, my mind--no longer harrassed by vague suspicion, + by a thousand nameless apprehensions and inquietudes--should + struggle to subdue itself--at least, I would not permit it + to dictate to my pen, not to bewilder my conduct. I am + exhausted by perturbation. I ask only certainty and rest. + + 'EMMA.' + + +A few days after I had written the preceding letter, Mr Harley called on +me. Mrs Denbeigh was with me on his entrance; I would have given worlds +to have received him alone, but had not courage to hint this to my +relation. Overwhelmed by a variety of emotions, I was unable for some +time to make any reply to his friendly enquiries after my health, and +congratulations on my amended prospects. My confusion and embarrassment +were but too apparent; perceiving my distress, he kindly contrived to +engage my hostess in discourse, that I might have time to rally my +spirits. By degrees, I commanded myself sufficiently to join in the +conversation--I spoke to him of his mother, expressed the lively sense +I felt of her goodness, and my unaffected regret at parting with her. +Animated by my subject, and encouraged by the delicacy of Augustus, I +became more assured: we retraced the amusements and studies of H----shire, +and two hours passed delightfully and insensibly away, when Mrs Denbeigh +was called out of the room to speak to a person who brought her letters +and intelligence from the India House. Mr Harley, rising at the same +time from his seat, seemed about to depart, but hesitating, stood a few +moments as if irresolute. + +'You leave me,' said I, in a low and tremulous tone, 'and you leave me +still in suspense?' + +'Could you,' replied he, visibly affected, 'but have seen me on the +receipt of your last letter, you would have perceived that my feelings +were not enviable--Your affecting expostulation, added to other +circumstances of a vexatious nature, oppressed my spirits with a burthen +more than they were able to sustain.' + +He resumed his seat, spoke of his situation, of the tenure on which +he held his fortune,--'I am neither a stoic nor a philosopher,' added +he,--'I knew not how--_I could not answer your letter_. What shall +I say?--I am with-held from explaining myself further, by reasons +--_obligations_--Who can look back on every action of his past life +with approbation? Mine has not been free from error! I am distressed, +perplexed--_Insuperable obstacles_ forbid what otherwise'-- + +'I feel,' said I, interrupting him, 'that I am the victim of my own +weakness and vanity--I feel, that I have been rushing headlong into +the misery which you kindly sought to spare me--I am sensible of your +delicacy--of your humanity!--And is it with the full impression of +your virtues on my heart that I must teach that heart to renounce +you--renounce, for ever, the man with whose pure and elevated mind my +own panted to mingle? My reason has been blinded by the illusions of my +self-love--and, while I severely suffer, I own my sufferings just--yet, +the sentiments you inspired were worthy of you! I understand little +of--I have violated common forms--seeking your tenderness, I have +perhaps forfeited your esteem!' + +'Far, _very far_, from it--I would, but cannot, say more.' + +'Must we, then, separate for ever--will you no longer assist me in the +pursuit of knowledge and truth--will you no more point out to me the +books I should read, and aid me in forming a just judgment of the +principles they contain--Must all your lessons be at an end--all my +studies be resigned? How, without your counsel and example, shall I +regain my strength of mind--to what _end_ shall I seek to improve +myself, when I dare no longer hope to be worthy of him--' + +A flood of tears checked my utterance; hiding my face with my hands, +I gave way to the kindly relief, but for which my heart had broken. +I heard footsteps in the passage, and the voice of Mrs Denbeigh as +speaking to her servant--covered with shame and grief, I dared not in +this situation appear before her, but, rushing out at an opposite door, +hid myself in my chamber. A train of confused recollections tortured +my mind, I concluded, that Augustus had another, a prior attachment. +I felt, with this conviction, that I had not the fortitude, and that +perhaps I ought not, to see him again. I wrote to him under this +impression; I poured out my soul in anguish, in sympathy, in fervent +aspirations for his happiness. These painful and protracted conflicts +affected my health, a deep and habitual depression preyed upon my +spirits, and, surveying every object through the medium of a distempered +imagination, I grew disgusted with life. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + +I began, at length, to think, that I had been too precipitate, and +too severe to myself.--Why was I to sacrifice a friend, from whose +conversation I had derived improvement and pleasure? I repeated this +question to myself, again and again; and I blushed and repented. But +I deceived myself. I had too frequently acted with precipitation, I +determined, now, to be more prudent--I waited three months, fortified +my mind with many reflections, and resumed my pen-- + + + TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY. + + 'Near three months have elapsed, since I last addressed you. + I remind you of this, not merely to suppress, as it arises, + any apprehension which you may entertain of further + embarrassment or importunity: for I can no longer afflict + myself with the idea, that my peace, or welfare, are + indifferent to you, but will rather adopt the sentiment of + Plato--who on being informed, that one of his disciples, + whom he had more particularly distinguished, had spoken ill + of him, replied, to the slanderer--"I do not believe you, + for it is impossible that I should not be esteemed by one + whom I so sincerely regard." + + 'My motive, for calling to your remembrance the date of my + last, is, that you should consider what I am now about to + say, as the result of calmer reflection, the decision of + judgment after having allowed the passions leisure to + subside. It is, perhaps, unnecessary to premise, that I am + not urged on by pride, from an obscure consciousness of + having been betrayed into indiscretion, to endeavour to + explain away, or to extenuate, any part of my former + expressions or conduct. To a mind like yours, such an + attempt would be impertinent; from one like mine, I hope, + superfluous. I am not ashamed of being a human being, nor + blush to own myself liable to "the shakes and agues of his + fragile nature." I have ever spoken, and acted, from the + genuine dictates of a mind swayed, at the time, by its own + views and propensities, nor have I hesitated, as those + views and propensities have changed, to avow my further + convictions--"Let not the coldly wise exult, that their + heads were never led astray by their hearts." I have all + along used, and shall continue to use, the unequivocal + language of sincerity. + + 'However _romantic_ (a vague term applied to every thing we + do not understand, or are unwilling to intimate) my views + and sentiments might appear to many, I dread not, from you, + this frigid censure. "The ideas, the associations, the + circumstances of each man are properly his own, and it is a + pernicious system, that would lead us to require all men, + however different their circumstances, to act in many of the + common affairs of life, by a precise, general rule."[10] + The genuine effusions of the heart and mind are easily + distinguished, by the penetrating eye, from the vain + ostentation of sentiment, lip deep, which, causing no + emotion, communicates none--Oh! how unlike the energetic + sympathies of truth and feeling--darting from mind to mind, + enlightening, warming, with electrical rapidity! + + [Footnote 10: Godwin's Political Justice.] + + 'My ideas have undergone, in the last three months, many + fluctuations. My _affection_ for you (why should I seek + for vague, inexpressive phrases?) has not ceased, has not + diminished, but it has, in some measure, changed its nature. + It was originally generated by the report, and cemented by + the knowledge, of your virtues and talents; and to virtue + and talents my mind had ever paid unfeigned, enthusiastic, + homage! It is somewhere said by Rousseau--"That there may + exist such a suitability of moral, mental, and personal, + qualifications, as should point out the propriety of an + union between a prince and the daughter of an executioner." + Vain girl that I was! I flattered myself that between us + this sympathy really existed. I dwelt on the union between + mind and mind--sentiments of nature gently insinuated + themselves--my sensibility grew more tender, more + affecting--and my imagination, ever lively, traced the + glowing picture, and dipped the pencil in rainbow tints! + Possessing one of those determined spirits, that is not + easily induced to relinquish its purposes--while I conceived + that I had only your pride, or your insensibility, to + combat, I wildly determined to persevere.--A further + recapitulation would, perhaps, be unnecessary:--my + situation, alas! is now changed. + + 'Having then examined my heart, attentively and + deliberately, I suspect that I have been unjust to + myself, in supposing it incapable of a disinterested + attachment.--Why am I to deprive you of a faithful friend, + and myself of all the benefits I may yet derive from your + conversation and kind offices? I ask, why? And I should, + indeed, have cause to blush, if, after having had time for + reflection, I could really think this necessary. Shall I, + then, sign the unjust decree, that women are incapable of + energy and fortitude? Have I exercised my understanding, + without ever intending to apply my principles to practice? + Do I mean always to deplore the prejudices which have, + systematically, weakened the female character, without + making any effort to rise above them? Is the example + you have given me, of a steady adherence to honour and + principle, to be merely respected, without exciting in my + bosom any emulation? Dare I to answer these questions in the + affirmative, and still ask your esteem--the esteem of the + wise and good?--I dare not! No longer weakened by alternate + hopes and fears, like the reed yielding to every breeze, I + believe myself capable of acting upon firmer principles; + and I request, with confidence, the restoration of your + friendship! Should I afterwards find, that I have over-rated + my own strength, I will frankly tell you so, and expect + from your humanity those allowances, which are but a poor + substitute for respect. + + 'Believe, then, my views and motives to be simply such as I + state them; at least, such, after severely scrutinizing my + heart, they appear to myself; and reply to me with similar + ingenuousness. My expectations are very moderate: answer me + with simplicity--my very soul sickens at evasion! You have + undoubtedly, a right to judge and to determine for yourself; + but it will be but just to state to me the reasons for, and + the result of, that judgment; in which case, if I cannot + obviate those reasons, I shall be bound, however reluctantly, + to acquiesce in them. Be assured, I will never complain of + any consequences which may ensue, even, from the utterance + of all truth. + + 'EMMA.' + + + + +CHAPTER III + + +This letter was succeeded by a renewal of our intercourse and studies. +Mrs Denbeigh, my kind hostess, was usually of our parties. We read +together, or conversed only on general topics, or upon subjects of +literature. I was introduced by Mr Harley to several respectable +families, friends of his own and of his mother's. I made many indirect +enquiries of our common acquaintance, with a view to discover the +supposed object of my friend's attachment, but without success. All that +he had, himself, said, respecting such an engagement, had been so vague, +that I began to doubt of the reality of its existence.--When, in any +subsequent letters (for we continued occasionally to correspond) I +ventured to allude to the subject, I was warned 'not to confound my own +conceptions with real existences.' When he spoke of a susceptibility +to the tender affections, it was always in the past time,--'I _have_ +felt,'--'I _have_ been--'Once he wrote--'His situation had been rendered +difficult, by a combination of _peculiar circumstances_; circumstances, +with which but few persons were acquainted.' Sometimes he would affect +to reflect upon his past conduct, and warn me against appreciating him +too highly. In fine, he was a perfect enigma, and every thing which he +said or wrote tended to increase the mystery. + +A restless, an insatiable, curiosity, devoured me, heightened by +feelings that every hour became more imperious, more uncontroulable. +I proposed to myself, in the gratification of this curiosity, a +satisfaction that should compensate for all the injuries I might suffer +in the career. This inquietude prevented my mind from resting; and, by +leaving room for conjecture, left room for the illusions of fancy, and +of hope. Had I never expressed this, he might have affected ignorance of +my sensations; he might have pleaded guiltless, when, in the agony of +my soul, I accused him of having sacrificed my peace to his +disingenuousness--but vain were all my expostulations! + +'If,' said I, 'I have sought, too earnestly, to learn the state of your +affections, it has been with a view to the more effectually disciplining +of my own--of stifling every _ignis fatuus_ of false hope, that making, +even, impossibilities possible, will still, at times, continue to mislead +me. Objects seen through obscurity, imperfectly discerned, allow to the +fancy but too free a scope; the mind grows debilitated, by brooding over +its apprehensions; and those apprehensions, whether real or imaginary, +are carried with accumulated pain to the heart. I have said, on this +subject, you have a right to be free; but I am, now, doubtful of this +right: the health of my mind being involved in the question, has +rendered it a question of _utility_--and on what other basis can morals +rest?' + +I frequently reiterated these reasonings, always with encreased fervor +and earnestness: represented--'that every step I took in advance would +be miles in return--every minute that the blow was suspended, prepared +it to descend with accumulated force.' I required no particulars, but +merely requested to be assured of _a present, existing, engagement_. I +continued, from time to time, to urge this subject. + + + 'Much,' said I, 'as I esteem you, and deeply as a thousand + associations have fixed your idea in my heart--in true + candour of soul, I, yet, feel myself your superior.--I + recollect a sentiment of Richardson's Clarissa that always + pleased me, and that may afford a test, by which each of us + may judge of the integrity of our own minds--"I should be + glad that you, and all the world, knew my heart; let my + enemies sit in judgment upon my actions; fairly scanned, + I fear not the result. Let them ask me my most secret + thoughts; and, whether they make for me, or against me, I + will reveal them." + + 'This is the principle, my friend, upon which I have acted + towards you. I have said many things, I doubt not, which + make against me; but I trusted them to one, who told me, + that he had made the human heart his study: and it is only + in compliance with the prejudices of others, if I have taken + any pains to conceal all I have thought and felt on this, + or on any other, subject, from the rest of the world. Had I + not, in the wild career of fervent feeling, had sufficient + strength of mind to stop short, and to reason calmly, how + often, in the bitterness of my spirit, should I have accused + you of sporting with my feelings, by involving me in a + hopeless maze of conjecture--by leaving me a prey to the + constant, oppressive, apprehension of hearing something, + which I should not have had the fortitude to support with + dignity; which, in proportion as it is delayed, still + contributes to harrass, to weaken, to incapacitate, my mind + from bearing its disclosure. + + 'I know you might reply--and more than nine-tenths of the + world would justify you in this reply--"That you had already + said, what ought to have been sufficient, and would have + been so to any other human being;--that you had not sought + the confidence I boast of having reposed in you;--and + that so far from affording you any satisfaction, it has + occasioned you only perplexity. If my own destiny was not + equivocal, of what importance could it be to me, and what + right had I to enquire after circumstances, in which, + however affecting, I could have no real concern." + + 'You may think all this, perhaps--I will not spare + myself--and it may be reasonable. _But could you say + it_--and have you, indeed, studied the human heart--_have + you, indeed, ever felt the affections?_--Whatever may be the + event--and it is in the mind of powers only that passions + are likely to become fatal--and however irreproachable every + other part of your conduct may have been, I shall, _here_, + always say, you were culpable!' + + +I changed my style. + + + 'I know not,' said I, 'the nature of those stern duties, + which oblige you to with-hold from me your tenderness; + neither do I any longer enquire. I dread, only, lest I + should acquire this knowledge when I am the least able to + support it. Ignorant, then, of any reasons which should + prevent me from giving up my heart to an attachment, now + become interwoven with my existence, I yield myself up to + these sweet and affecting emotions, so necessary to my + disposition--to which apathy is abhorrent. "The affections + (truly says Sterne) must be exercised on something; for, not + to love, is to be miserable. Were I in a desart, I would + find out wherewith in it to call forth my affections. If I + could do no better, I would fasten them upon some sweet + myrtle, or seek some melancholy cypress to connect myself + to--I would court their shade, and greet them kindly for + their protection. I would cut my name upon them, and swear + they were the loveliest trees throughout the desart. If + their leaves withered, I would teach myself to mourn; and, + when they rejoiced, I would rejoice with them." + + 'An attachment, founded upon a full conviction of worth, + must be both safe and salutary. My mind has not sufficient + strength to form an abstract idea of perfection. I have ever + found it stimulated, improved, advanced, by its affections. + I will, then, continue to love you with fervor and purity; I + will see you with joy, part from you with regret, grieve in + your griefs, enter with zeal into your concerns, interest + myself in your honour and welfare, and endeavour, with + all my little power, to contribute to your comfort and + satisfaction.--Is your heart so differently constituted from + every other human heart, that an affection, thus ardent and + sincere, excites in it no grateful, and soothing, emotions? + Why, then, withdraw yourself from me, and by that means + afflict, and sink into despondency, a mind that entrusts its + peace to your keeping. + + 'EMMA.' + + +We met the next day at the house of a common friend. My accents, +involuntarily, were softened, my attentions pointed.--Manifestly +agitated, embarrassed, even distressed, Augustus quitted the company +at an early hour. + +It would be endless to enumerate all the little incidents that occurred; +which, however trifling they might appear in the recital, continued to +operate in one direction. Many letters passed to the same purport. My +curiosity was a consuming passion; but this inflexible, impenetrable, +man, was still silent, or alternately evaded, and resented, my +enquiries. We continued, occasionally, to meet, but generally in +company. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + +During the ensuing summer, Mr Harley proposed making a visit to his +mother, and, calling to take his leave of me, on the evening preceding +his journey, accidentally found me alone.--We entered into conversation +on various subjects: twilight stole upon us unperceived. The obscure +light inspired me with courage: I ventured to resume a subject, so often +discussed; I complained, gently, of his reserve. + +'Could I suppose,' he asked, 'that he had been without _his share_ of +suffering?' + +I replied something, I scarce know what, adverting to his stronger mind. + +'Strength!' said he, turning from me with emotion, 'rather say, +weakness!' + +I reiterated the important, the so often proposed, enquiry--'Had he, or +had he not, a _present, existing, engagement_?' + +He endeavoured to evade my question--I repeated it--He answered, with +a degree of impatience, '_I cannot tell you_; if I could, do you think +I would have been silent so long?'--as once, before, he spoke of the +circumstances of his past life, as being of '_a singular, a peculiar, +nature_.' + +At our separation, I asked, if he would write to me during his absence. +'Certainly, he would.' The next morning, having some little commissions +to execute for Mrs Harley, I sent them, accompanied by a few lines, to +her son. + +'Why is it,' said I, 'that our sagacity, and penetration, frequently +desert us on the most interesting occasions? I can read any mind with +greater facility than I can read your's; and, yet, what other have I +so attentively studied? This is a problem I know not how to solve. One +conclusion will force itself upon me--if a mistaken one, whom have you +to blame?--That an _honourable_, suitable, engagement, could have given +no occasion for mystery.' I added, 'I should depend on hearing from him, +according to his promise.' + +Week after week, month after month, wore away, and no letter arrived. +Perturbation was succeeded by anxiety and apprehension; but hearing, +through my maternal friend, Mrs Harley, of the welfare of this object +of our too tender cares, my solicitude subsided into despondency. The +pressure of one corroding train of ideas preyed, like a canker-worm, +upon my heart, and destroyed all its tranquillity. + +In the beginning of the winter, this mysterious, inexplicable, being, +again returned to town. I had undertaken a little business, to serve +him, during his absence--I transmitted to him an account of my +proceedings; subjoining a gentle reproach for his unkind silence. + +'You promised you would write to me,' said I, 'during your residence +in ----shire. I therefore depended upon hearing from you; and, yet, I +was disappointed. You should not, indeed you should not, make these +experiments upon my mind. My sensibility, originally acute, from having +been too much exercised, has become nearly morbid, and has almost +unfitted me for an inhabitant of this world. I am willing to believe, +that your conduct towards me has originated in good motives, nevertheless, +you have made some sad mistakes--you have _deeply_, though undesignedly, +wounded me: I have been harrassed, distressed, mortified. You know not, +neither will I attempt to describe, all I have suffered! language would +be inadequate to paint the struggles of a delicate, susceptible, mind, +in some peculiar and interesting situations. + +'You may suspect me of wanting resolution, but strong, persevering +affections, are no mark of a weak mind. To have been the wife of a man +of virtue and talents was my dearest ambition, and would have been my +glory: I judged myself worthy of the confidence and affection of such a +man--I felt, that I could have united in his pursuits, and shared his +principles--aided the virtuous energies of his mind, and assured his +domestic comforts. I earnestly sought to inspire you with tenderness, +from the conviction, that I could contribute to your happiness, and to +the worth of your character. And if, from innumerable associations, I +at length loved your person, it was the magnanimity of your conduct, it +was your virtues, that first excited my admiration and esteem. But you +have rejected an attachment originating in the highest, the purest, +principles--you have thrown from you a heart of exquisite sensibility, +and you leave me in doubt, whether you have not sacrificed that heart +to prejudice. Yet, contemned affection has excited in my mind no +resentment; true tenderness is made up of gentle and amiable emotions; +nothing hostile, nothing severe, can mix with it: it may gradually +subside, but it will continue to soften the mind it has once subdued. + +'I see much to respect in your conduct, and though, it is probable, some +parts of it may have originated in mistaken principles, I trust, that +their source was pure! I, also, have made many mistakes--have been +guilty of many extravagances. Yet, distrust the morality, that sternly +commands you to pierce the bosom that most reveres you, and then to call +it virtue--_Yes! distrust and suspect its origin!_' I concluded with +expressing a wish to see him--'_merely as a friend_'--requesting a line +in reply. + +He wrote not, but came, unexpectedly came, the next evening. I expressed, +in lively terms, the pleasure I felt in seeing him. We conversed on +various subjects, he spoke affectionately of his mother, and of the +tender interest she had expressed for my welfare. He enquired after my +pursuits and acquirements during his absence, commending the progress I +had made. Just before he quitted me, he adverted to the reproach I had +made him, for not having written to me, according to his engagement. + +'Recollect,' said he, 'in the last letter I received from you, before I +left London, you hinted some suspicions--' I looked at him, 'and what,' +added he, 'could I reply?' + +I was disconcerted, I changed colour, and had no power to pursue the +subject. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + +From this period, he continued to visit me (I confess at my solicitation) +more frequently. We occasionally resumed our scientific pursuits, read +together, or entered into discussion on various topics. At length he +grew captious, disputatious, gloomy, and imperious--the more I studied +to please him, the less I succeeded. He disapproved my conduct, my +opinions, my sentiments; my frankness offended him. This change +considerably affected me. In company, his manners were studiously cold +and distant; in private capricious, yet reserved and guarded. He seemed +to overlook all my efforts to please, and, with a severe and penetrating +eye, to search only for my errors--errors, into which I was but too +easily betrayed, by the painful, and delicate, situation, in which I had +placed myself. + +We, one day, accompanied Mrs Denbeigh on a visit of congratulation to +her brother (eldest son of my deceased uncle Mr Melmoth), who had, when +a youth, been placed by his father in a commercial house in the West +Indies, and who had just returned to his native country with an ample +fortune. His sister and myself anticipated the pleasure of renewing our +early, fraternal, affection and intimacy, while I felt a secret pride in +introducing to his acquaintance a man so accomplished and respectable as +Mr Harley. We were little aware of the changes which time and different +situations produce on the character, and, with hearts and minds full of +the frank, lively, affectionate, youth, from whom we had parted, seven +years since, with mutual tears and embraces, shrunk spontaneously, +on our arrival at Mr Melmoth's elegant house in Bedford square, from +the cold salutation, of the haughty, opulent, purse-proud, Planter, +surrounded by ostentatious luxuries, and evidently valuing himself upon +the consequence which he imagined they must give him in our eyes. + +Mr Harley received the formal compliments of this favourite of fortune +with the easy politeness which distinguishes the gentleman and the man +of letters, and the dignified composure which the consciousness of worth +and talents seldom fails to inspire. Mr Melmoth, by his awkward and +embarrassed manner, tacitly acknowledged the impotence of wealth and +the real superiority of his guest. We were introduced by our stately +relation to his wife, the lady of the mansion, a young woman whom he had +accidentally met with in a party of pleasure at Jamaica, whither she had +attended a family in the humble office of companion or chief attendant +to the lady. Fascinated by her beauty and lively manner, our trader had +overlooked an empty mind, a low education, and a doubtful character, +and, after a very few interviews, tendered to her acceptance his hand +and fortune; which, though not without some affectation of doubt and +delay, were in a short time joyfully accepted. + +A gentleman joined our party in the dining-room, whom the servant +announced by the name of Pemberton, in whom I presently recognized, +notwithstanding some years had elapsed since our former meeting, the man +of fashon and gallantry who had been the antagonist of Mr Francis, at +the table of my father. He had lately (we were informed by our host) +been to Jamaica, to take possession of an estate bequeathed to him, and +had returned to England in the same vessel with Mr and Mrs Melmoth. +After an elegant dinner of several courses had been served up and +removed for the desert, a desultory conversation took place. + +Mr Pemberton, it appeared, held a commission in the militia, and +earnestly solicited Mrs Melmoth, on whom he lavished a profusion of +compliments, to grace their encampment, which was to be stationed in the +ensuing season near one of the fashionable watering places, with her +presence. + +This request the lady readily promised to comply with, expressing, in +tones of affected softness, her admiration of military men, and of the + + 'Pride, pomp and circumstance of glorious war!' + +'Do you not think, Miss Courtney,' said she, turning to me, 'that +soldiers are the most agreeable and charming men in the world?' + +'Indeed I do not, Madam; their trade is _murder_, and their trappings, +in my eyes, appear but as the gaudy pomp of sacrifice.' + +'_Murder_, indeed! What a harsh word--I declare you are a shocking +creature--There have always been wars in the world, and there always +must be: but surely you would not confound the brave fellows, who +fight to protect their King and Country, and _the ladies_, with common +ruffians and housebreakers!' + +'All the difference between them is, that the one, rendered desperate +by passion, poverty, or injustice, endeavours by _wrong_ means to do +himself _right_, and through this terrible and pitiable mistake destroys +the life or the property of a fellow being--The others, wantonly and in +cold blood, cut down millions of their species, ravage whole towns and +cities, and carry devastation through a country.' + +'What _odd notions_! Dear, Mr Pemberton, did you ever hear a lady talk +so strangely?' + +Thus called upon, Mr Pemberton thought it incumbent upon him to +interfere--'_Courtney_, I think, Madam, your name is! The daughter of an +old friend of mine, if I am not mistaken, and who, I remember, was, when +a very young lady, a great admirer of _Roman virtues_.' + +'Not of _Roman virtues_, I believe, Sir; they had in them too much of +the destructive spirit which Mrs Melmoth thinks so admirable.' + +'Indeed, I said nothing about _Roman virtues_, nor do I trouble myself +with such subjects--I merely admired the soldiers because they are so +brave and so polite; besides, the military dress is so elegant and +becoming--Dear, Mr Pemberton, how charmingly you must look in your +regimentals!' + +Mr Pemberton, bowing in return to the compliment, made an animated +eulogium on the taste and beauty of the speaker. + +'Pray, Sir,' resumed she, addressing herself to Mr Harley, whose +inattention seemed to pique her, and whose notice she was determined to +attract, 'are you of Miss Courtney's opinion--do you think it right to +call soldiers _murderers_?' + +'Upon my word, Madam,' with an air of irony, 'you must excuse me from +entering into such _nice distinctions_--when _ladies_ differ, who shall +presume to decide?' + +Mr Melmoth interposed, by wishing, 'that they had some thousands +more of these _murderers_ in the West Indies, to keep the slaves in +subordination, who, since absurd notions of liberty had been put into +their heads, were grown very troublesome and refractory, and, in a short +time, he supposed, would become as insolent as the English servants.' + +'Would you believe it, Mrs Denbeigh,' said the Planter's lady, +addressing the sister of her husband, 'Mr Melmoth and I have been in +England but a month, and have been obliged three times to change our +whole suit of servants?' + +'This is a land of freedom, my dear sister; servants, here, will not +submit to be treated like the slaves of Jamaica.' + +'Well, I am sure it is very provoking to have one's will disputed by +such low, ignorant, creatures. How should they know what is right? It +is enough for them to obey the orders of their superiors.' + +'But suppose,' replied Mrs Denbeigh, 'they should happen to think their +superiors unreasonable!' + +'_Think!_ sister,' said the lordly Mr Melmoth, with an exulting laugh, +'what have _servants_, or _women_, to do with _thinking_?' + +'Nay, now,' interrupted Mr Pemberton, 'you are too severe upon the +ladies--how would the elegant and tasteful arrangement of Mrs Melmoth's +ornaments have been produced without thinking?' + +'Oh, you flatterer!' said the lady. 'Let them think only about their +dress, and I have no objection, but don't let them plague us with +_sermonizing_.' + +'Mrs Melmoth,' said I, coolly, 'does not often, I dare say, offend +_in this way_. That some of the gentlemen, present, should object to a +woman's exercising her discriminating powers, is not wonderful, since +it might operate greatly to their disadvantage.' + +'A blow on the right cheek, from so fair a hand,' replied Mr Pemberton, +affectedly bending his body, 'would almost induce one to adopt the +christian maxim, and turn the left, also. What say you, Mr Harley?' + +'Mr Harley, I believe, Sir, does not feel himself included in the +reflection.' + +'He is a happy man then.' + +'No, Sir, merely a _rational one_!' + +'You are pleased to be severe; of all things I dread a female wit.' + +'It is an instinctive feeling of self-preservation--nature provides weak +animals with timidity as a guard.' + +Mr Pemberton reddened, and, affecting a careless air, hummed a tune. Mr +Melmoth again reverted to the subject of English servants, which gave +rise to a discussion on the Slave Trade. Mr Harley pleaded the cause of +freedom and humanity with a bold and manly eloquence, expatiating warmly +on the iniquity as well as impolicy of so accursed a traffic. Melmoth +was awed into silence. Mr Pemberton advanced some trite arguments in +opposition, respecting the temporary mischiefs which might ensue, in case +of an abolition, to the planters, landholders, traders, &c. Augustus +explained, by contending only for the gradual emancipation, after their +minds had been previously prepared, of the oppressed Africans. The +conversation grew interesting. Pemberton was not devoid of talents when +he laid aside his affectation; the subject was examined both in a moral +and a political point of view. I listened with delight, while Augustus +exposed and confuted the specious reasoning and sophistry of his +antagonist: exulting in the triumph of truth and justice, I secretly +gloried--'with more than selfish vanity'--in the virtues and abilities +of my friend. Though driven from all his resources, Mr Pemberton was too +much the courtier to be easily disconcerted, but complimenting his +adversary on his eloquence, declared he should be happy to hear of his +having a seat in Parliament. + +Mrs Melmoth, who had yawned and betrayed various symptoms of weariness +during the discussion, now proposed the adjournment of the ladies into +the drawing-room, whither I was compelled, by a barbarous and odious +custom, reluctantly to follow, and to submit to be entertained with a +torrent of folly and impertinence. + +'I was ill-natured,' she told me.--'How could I be so severe upon the +_charming_ and _elegant_ Mr Pemberton?' + +It was in vain I laboured to convince her, that to be treated like +ideots was no real compliment, and that the men who condescend to +flatter our foibles, despised the weak beings they helped to form. + +My remonstrances were as fatiguing, and as little to be comprehended +by this _fine lady_, as the arguments respecting the Slave Trade:--she +sought refuge from them in interrogating Mrs Denbeigh respecting the +last new fashions, and in consulting her taste on the important +question--whether blue or violet colour was the most becoming to a +brunette complexion? The gentlemen joined us, to our great relief, at +the tea-table:--other company dropped in, and the evening was beguiled +with cards and the chess-board;--at the latter Mr Melmoth and Mr Harley +were antagonists;--the former was no match for Augustus. I amused myself +by observing their moves, and overlooking the game. + +During our return from this visit, some conversation occurred between Mr +Harley, my cousin, and myself, respecting the company we had quitted. I +expressed my disappointment, disgust, and contempt, in terms, it may be, +a little too strong. + +'I was _fastidious_,' Augustus told me, 'I wanted a world made on +purpose for me, and beings formed after one model. It was both amusing, +and instructive, to contemplate varieties of character. I was a romantic +enthusiast--and should endeavour to become more like an inhabitant of +the world.' + +Piqued at these remarks, and at the tone and manner in which they were +uttered, I felt my temper rising, and replied with warmth; but it was +the glow of a moment; for, to say truth, vexation and disappointment, +rather than reason, had broken and subdued my spirit. Mrs Denbeigh, +perceiving I was pained, kindly endeavoured to give a turn to the +conversation; yet she could not help expressing her regret, on observing +the folly, levity, and extravagance, of the woman whom her brother had +chosen for a wife. + +'No doubt,' said Augustus, a little peevishly, 'he is fond of her--she +is a fine woman--there is no accounting for the _caprices_ of the +affections.' + +I sighed, and my eyes filled with tears--'Is, then, affection so +_capricious_ a sentiment--is it possible to love what we despise?' + +'I cannot tell,' retorted Mr Harley, with quickness. 'Triflers can give +no _serious_ occasion for uneasiness:--the humours of superior women are +sometimes still less tolerable.' + +'Ah! how unjust. If gentleness be not _the perfection of reason_, it is +a quality which I have never, yet, properly understood.' + +He made no reply, but sunk into silence, reserve, and reverie. On our +arrival at my apartments, I ventured (my cousin having left us) to +expostulate with him on his unkind behaviour; but was answered with +severity. Some retrospection ensued, which gradually led to the subject +ever present to my thoughts.--Again I expressed a solicitude to be +informed of the real state of his heart, of the nature of those +mysterious obstacles, to which, when clearly ascertained, I was ready +to submit.--'Had he, or had he not, an attachment, that looked to, as +its _end_, a serious and legal engagement?' He appeared ruffled and +discomposed.--'I ought not to be so urgent--he had already sufficiently +explained himself.' He then repeated to me some particulars, apparently +adverse to such a supposition--asking me, in his turn, 'If these +circumstances bespoke his having any such event in view?' + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + +For some time after this he absented himself from me; and, when he +returned, his manners were still more unequal; even his sentiments, and +principles, at times, appeared to me equivocal, and his character seemed +wholly changed. I tried, in vain, to accommodate myself to a disposition +so various. My affection, my sensibility, my fear of offending--a +thousand conflicting, torturing, emotions, threw a constraint over my +behaviour.--My situation became absolutely intolerable--time was murdered, +activity vain, virtue inefficient: yet, a secret hope inspired me, that +_indifference_ could not have produced the irritations, the inequalities, +that thus harrassed me. I thought, I observed a conflict in his mind; +his fits of absence, and reflection, were unusual, deep, and frequent: +I watched them with anxiety, with terror, with breathless expectation. +My health became affected, and my mind disordered. I perceived that it +was impossible to proceed, in the manner we had hitherto done, much +longer--I felt that it would, inevitably, destroy me. + +I reflected, meditated, reasoned, with myself--'That one channel, into +which my thoughts were incessantly impelled, was destructive of all +order, of all connection.' New projects occurred to me, which I had +never before ventured to encourage--I revolved them in my mind, examined +them in every point of view, weighed their advantages and disadvantages, +in a moral, in a prudential, scale.--Threatening evils appeared on all +sides--I endeavoured, at once, to free my mind from prejudice, and from +passion; and, in the critical and _singular_ circumstances in which I +had placed myself, coolly to survey the several arguments of the case, +and nicely to calculate their force and importance. + +'If, as we are taught to believe, the benevolent Author of nature be, +indeed, benevolent,' said I, to myself, 'he surely must have intended +the _happiness_ of his creatures. Our morality cannot extend to him, but +must consist in the knowledge, and practice, of those duties which we +owe to ourselves and to each other.--Individual happiness constitutes +the general good:--_happiness_ is the only true _end_ of existence; +--all notions of morals, founded on any other principle, involve in +themselves a contradiction, and must be erroneous. Man does right, +when pursuing interest and pleasure--it argues no depravity--this is +the fable of superstition: he ought to only be careful, that, in seeking +his own good, he does not render it incompatible with the good of +others--that he does not consider himself as standing alone in the +universe. The infraction of established _rules_ may, it is possible, in +some cases, be productive of mischief; yet, it is difficult to state any +_rule_ so precise and determinate, as to be alike applicable to every +situation: what, in one instance, might be a _vice_, in another may +possibly become a _virtue_:--a thousand imperceptible, evanescent, +shadings, modify every thought, every motive, every action, of our +lives--no one can estimate the sensations of, can form an exact +judgment for, another. + +'I have sometimes suspected, that all mankind are pursuing phantoms, +however dignified by different appellations.--The healing operations of +time, had I patience to wait the experiment, might, perhaps, recover my +mind from its present distempered state; but, in the meanwhile, the bloom +of youth is fading, and the vigour of life running to waste.--Should I, +at length, awake from a delusive vision, it would be only to find myself +a comfortless, solitary, shivering, wanderer, in the dreary wilderness +of human society. I feel in myself the capacities for increasing the +happiness, and the improvement, of a few individuals--and this circle, +spreading wider and wider, would operate towards the grand end of +life--_general utility_.' + +Again I repeated to myself--'Ascetic virtues are equally barbarous as +vain:--the only just morals, are those which have a tendency to increase +the bulk of enjoyment. My plan tends to this. The good which I seek +does not appear to me to involve injury to any one--it is of a nature, +adapted to the disposition of my mind, for which every event of my life, +the education both of design and accident, have fitted me. If I am now +put out, I may, perhaps, do mischief:--the placid stream, forced from +its channel, lays waste the meadow. I seem to stand as upon a wide +plain, bounded on all sides by the horizon:--among the objects which I +perceive within these limits, some are so lofty, my eyes ache to look +up to them; others so low, I disdain to stoop for them. _One_, only, +seems fitted to my powers, and to my wishes--_one, alone_, engages my +attention! Is not its possession worthy an arduous effort: _Perseverance_ +can turn the course of rivers, and level mountains! Shall I, then, +relinquish my efforts, when, perhaps, on the very verge of success? + +'The mind must have an object:--should I desist from my present pursuit, +after all it has cost me, for what can I change it? I feel, that I am +neither a philosopher, nor a heroine--but a _woman, to whom education +has given a sexual character_. It is true, I have risen superior to the +generality of my _oppressed sex_; yet, I have neither the talents for a +legislator, nor for a reformer, of the world. I have still many female +foibles, and shrinking delicacies, that unfit me for rising to arduous +heights. Ambition cannot stimulate me, and to accumulate wealth, I am +still less fitted. Should I, then, do violence to my heart, and compel +it to resign its hopes and expectations, what can preserve me from +sinking into, the most abhorred of all states, _languor and inanity_? +--Alas! that tender and faithful heart refuses to change its object--it +can never love another. Like Rousseau's Julia, my strong individual +attachment has annihilated every man in the creation:--him I love +appears, in my eyes, something more--every other, something less. + +'I have laboured to improve myself, that I might be worthy of the +situation I have chosen. I would unite myself to a man of worth--I would +have our mingled virtues and talents perpetuated in our offspring--I +would experience those sweet sensations, of which nature has formed my +heart so exquisitely susceptible. My ardent sensibilities incite me to +love--to seek to inspire sympathy--to be beloved! My heart obstinately +refuses to renounce the man, to whose mind my own seems akin! From the +centre of private affections, it will at length embrace--like spreading +circles on the peaceful bosom of the smooth and expanded lake--the whole +sensitive and rational creation. Is it virtue, then, to combat, or to +yield to, my passions?' + +I considered, and reconsidered, these reasonings, so specious, so +flattering, to which passion lent its force. One moment, my mind seemed +firmly made up on the part I had to act;--I persuaded myself, that I had +gone too far to recede, and that there remained for me no alternative:--the +next instant, I shrunk, gasping, from my own resolves, and shuddered at +the important consequences which they involved. Amidst a variety of +perturbations, of conflicting emotions, I, at length, once more, took up +my pen. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + + TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY. + + 'I blush, when I reflect what a weak, wavering, inconsistent + being, I must lately have appeared to you. I write to you on + important subjects--I forbid you to answer me on paper; and, + when you seem inclined to put that period to the present, + painful, high-wrought, and trying, state of my feelings, + which is now become so necessary, I appear neither to hear, + nor to comprehend you. I fly from the subject, and thicken + the cloud of mystery, of which I have so often, and, I still + think, so justly complained.--These are some of the effects + of the contradictory systems, that have so long bewildered + our principles and conduct. A combination of causes, added + to the conflict between a thousand delicate and nameless + emotions, have lately conspired to confuse, to weaken, + my spirits. You can conceive, that these acute, mental, + sensations, must have had a temporary effect on the state + of my health. To say truth (and, had I not said it, my + countenance would have betrayed me), I have not, for some + time past, been so thoroughly disordered. + + 'Once more, I have determined to rally my strength; for I + feel, that a much longer continuance in the situation, + in which my mind has been lately involved, would be + insupportable:--and I call upon you, _now_, with a + resolution to summon all my fortitude to bear the result, + for the _written_ state of your mind, on the topic become so + important to my future welfare and usefulness. + + 'You may suppose, that a mind like mine must have, + repeatedly, set itself to examine, on every side, all that + could possibly have a relation to a subject affecting it so + materially. You have hinted at _mysterious_ obstacles to the + wish, in which every faculty of my soul has been so long + absorbed--the wish of forming with you, a connection, + nearer, _and more tender_, than that of friendship. This + mystery, by leaving room for conjecture (and how frequently + have I warned you of this!), left room for the illusions of + imagination, and of hope--left room for the suspicion, that + you might, possibly, be sacrificing _your own feelings_ as + well as mine, to a mistaken principle. Is it possible that + you were not aware of this--you, who are not unacquainted + with the nature of the mind! Still less were you ignorant + of the nature of my mind--which I had so explicitly, so + unreservedly, laid open! I had a double claim upon your + confidence--a confidence, that I was utterly incapable of + abusing, or betraying--a confidence, which must have stopped + my mind in its career--which would have saved me the bitter, + agonizing, pangs I have sustained. Mine were not common + feelings--it is _obscurity_ and _mystery_ which has wrought + them up to frenzy--_truth_ and _certainty_ would, long ere + this, have caused them temporarily to subside into their + accustomed channels. You understand little of the human + heart, if you cannot conceive this--"Where the imagination + is vivid, the feelings strong, the views and desires not + bounded by common rules;--in such minds, passions, if not + subdued, become ungovernable and fatal: where there is much + warmth, much enthusiasm, there is much danger.--My mind is + no less ardent than yours, though education and habit may + have given it a different turn--it glows with equal zeal to + attain its end."[11] Yes, I must continue to repeat, there + has been in your conduct _one grand mistake_; and the train + of consequences which may, yet, ensue, are uncertain, and + threatening.--But, I mean no reproach--we are all liable to + errors; and my own, I feel, are many, and various. But to + return-- + + [Footnote 11: Holcraft's Anna St Ives.] + + 'You may suppose I have revolved, in my thoughts, every + possible difficulty on the subject alluded to; balancing + their degrees of probability and force:--and, I will frankly + confess, such is the sanguine ardour of my temper, that I + can conceive but one obstacle, that would be _absolutely + invincible_; which is, supposing that you have already + contracted a _legal, irrecoverable_, engagement. Yet, this I + do not suppose. I will arrange, under five heads, (on all + occasions, I love to class and methodize) every other + possible species of objection, and subjoin all the + reasonings which have occurred to me on the subjects. + + 'And, first, I will imagine, as the most serious and + threatening difficulty, that you love another. I would, + then, ask--Is she capable of estimating your worth--does she + love you--has she the magnanimity to tell you so--would she + sacrifice to that affection every meaner consideration--has + she the merit to secure, as well as accomplishments to + attract, your regard?--You are too well acquainted with the + human heart, not to be aware, that what is commonly called + love is of a fleeting nature, kept alive only by hopes and + fears, if the qualities upon which it is founded afford no + basis for its subsiding into tender confidence, and rational + esteem. Beauty may inspire a transient desire, vivacity + amuse, for a time, by its sportive graces; but the first + will quickly fade and grow familiar--the last degenerate + into impertinence and insipidity. Interrogate your own + heart--Would you not, when the ardour of the passions, and + the fervor of the imagination, subsided, wish to find the + sensible, intelligent, friend, take place of the engaging + mistress?--Would you not expect the economical manager of + your affairs, the rational and judicious mother to your + offspring, the faithful sharer of your cares, the firm + friend to your interest, the tender consoler of your + sorrows, the companion in whom you could wholly confide, the + discerning participator of your nobler pursuits, the friend + of your virtues, your talents, your reputation--who could + understand you, who was formed to pass the ordeal of honour, + virtue, friendship?--Ask yourself these questions--ask them + closely, without sophistry, and without evasion. You are + not, now, an infatuated boy! Supposing, then, that you are, + at present, entangled in an engagement which answers not + this description--Is it virtue to fulfil, or to renounce, + it? Contrast it with my affection, with its probable + consequences, and weigh our different claims! _Would you + have been the selected choice, of this woman, from all + mankind_--would no other be capable of making her equally + happy--would nothing compensate to her for your loss--are + you the only object that she beholds in creation--might not + another engagement suit her equally well, or better--is her + whole soul absorbed but by one sentiment, that of fervent + love for you--is her future usefulness, as well as peace, at + stake--does she understand your high qualities better than + myself--will she emulate them more?--Does the engagement + promise a favourable issue, or does it threaten to wear + away the best period of life in protracted and uncertain + feeling--_the most pernicious, and destructive, of all state + of mind?_ Remember, also, that the summer of life will + quickly fade; and that he who has reached the summit of the + hill, has no time to lose--if he seize not the present + moment, age is approaching, and life melting fast away.--I + quit this, to state my second hypothesis-- + + 'That you esteem and respect me, but that your heart has + hitherto refused the sympathies I have sought to awaken + in it. If this be the case, it remains to search for the + reason; and, I own, I am at a loss to find it, either in + moral, or physical, causes. Our principles are in unison, + our tastes and habits not dissimilar, our knowledge of, and + confidence in, each other's virtues is reciprocal, tried, + and established--our ages, personal accomplishments, and + mental acquirements do not materially differ. From such an + union, I conceive, mutual advantages would result. I have + found myself distinguished, esteemed, beloved by, others, + where I have not sought for this distinction. How, then, can + I believe it compatible with the nature of mind, that so + many strong efforts, and reiterated impressions, can have + produced no effect upon yours? Is your heart constituted + differently from every other human heart?--I have lately + observed an inequality in your behaviour, that has whispered + something flattering to my heart. Examine yourself--Have you + felt no peculiar interest in what concerns me--would the + idea of our separation affect you with no more than a slight + and common emotion?--One more question propose to yourself, + as a test--Could you see me form a new, and more fortunate, + attachment, with indifference? If you cannot, without + hesitation, answer these questions, I have still a powerful + pleader in your bosom, though unconscious of it yourself, + that will, ultimately, prevail. If I have, yet, failed of + producing an unequivocal effect, it must arise from having + mistaken the _means_ proper to produce the desired _end_. + My own sensibility, and my imperfect knowledge of your + character may, here, have combined to mislead me. The first, + by its suffocating and depressing powers, clouding my + vivacity, incapacitating me from appearing to you with + my natural advantages--these effects would diminish as + assurance took the place of doubt. The last, every day would + contribute to correct. Permit me, then, _to hope for_, as + well as to seek your affections, and if I do not, at length, + gain and secure them, it will be a phenomenon in the history + of mind! + + 'But to proceed to my third supposition--The peculiar, + pecuniary, embarrassments of your situation--Good God! + did this barbarous, insidious, relation, allow himself + to consider the pernicious consequences of his absurd + bequest?--threatening to undermine every manly principle, to + blast every social virtue? Oh! that I had the eloquence to + rouse you from this tame and unworthy acquiescence--to + stimulate you to exercise your talents, to trust to the + independent energies of your mind, to exert yourself to + procure the honest rewards of virtuous industry. In + proportion as we lean for support on foreign aid, we lose + the dignity of our nature, and palsey those powers which + constitute that nature's worth. Yet, I will allow, from my + knowledge of your habits and associations, this obstacle its + full force. But there remains one method of obviating, even + this! I will frankly confess, that could I hope to gain + the interest in your heart, which I have so long and + so earnestly sought--my confidence in your honour and + integrity, my tenderness for you, added to the wish of + contributing to your happiness, would effect, what no lesser + considerations could have effected--would triumph, not over + my principles, (_for the individuality of an affection + constitutes its chastity_) but over my prudence. I repeat, I + am willing to sacrifice every inferior consideration--retain + your legacy, so capriciously bequeathed--retain your present + situation, and I will retain mine. This proposition, though + not a violation of modesty, certainly involves in it very + serious hazards--_It is, wholly, the triumph of affection!_ + You cannot suppose, that a transient engagement would + satisfy a mind like mine; I should require a reciprocal + faith plighted and returned--an after separation, otherwise + than by mutual consent, would be my destruction--I should + not survive your desertion. My existence, then, would be in + your hands. Yet, having once confided, your affection should + be my recompence--my sacrifice should be a cheerful and a + voluntary one; I would determine not to harrass you with + doubts nor jealousies, I would neither reflect upon the + past, nor distrust the future: I would rest upon you, I + would confide in you fearlessly and entirely! but, though I + would not enquire after the past, my delicacy would require + the assurance of your present, undivided, affection. + + 'The fourth idea that has occurred to me, is the probability + of your having formed a plan of seeking some agreeable woman + of fortune, who should be willing to reward a man of merit + for the injustice of society. Whether you may already have + experienced some disappointments of this nature, I will not + pretend to determine. I can conceive, that, by many women, + a coxcomb might be preferred to you--however this may be, + the plan is not unattended with risque, nor with some + possible degrading circumstances--and you may succeed, and + yet be miserable: happiness depends not upon the abundance + of our possessions. + + 'The last case which I shall state, and on which I shall + lay little comparative stress, is the possibility of an + engagement of a very inferior nature--a mere affair of the + senses. The arguments which might here be adduced are too + obvious to be repeated. Besides, I think highly of your + refinement and delicacy--Having therefore just hinted, I + leave it with you. + + 'And now to conclude--After considering all I have urged, + you may, perhaps, reply--That the subject is too nice and + too subtle for reasoning, and that the heart is not to + be compelled. These, I think, are mistakes. There is no + subject, in fact, that may not be subjected to the laws + of investigation and reasoning. What is it that we + desire--_pleasure_--_happiness_? I allow, pleasure is the + supreme good: but it may be analyzed--it must have a stable + foundation--to this analysis I now call you! This is + the critical moment, upon which hangs a long chain of + events--This moment may decide your future destiny and + mine--it may, even, affect that of unborn myriads! My spirit + is pervaded with these important ideas--my heart flutters--I + breathe with difficulty--_My friend_--_I would give myself + to you_--the gift is not worthless. Pause a moment, ere you + rudely throw from you an affection so tried, so respectable, + so worthy of you! The heart may be compelled--compelled + by the touching sympathies which bind, with sacred, + indissoluble ties, mind to mind! Do not prepare for yourself + future remorse--when lost, you may recollect my worth, and + my affection, and remember them with regret--Yet mistake me + not, I have no intention to intimidate--I think it my duty + to live, while I may possibly be useful to others, however + bitter and oppressive may be that existence. I will live + _for duty_, though peace and enjoyment should be for ever + fled. You may rob me of my happiness, you may rob me of my + strength, but, even, you cannot destroy my principles. And, + if no other motive with-held me from rash determinations, my + tenderness for you (it is not a selfish tenderness), would + prevent me from adding, to the anxieties I have already + given you, the cruel pang, of feeling yourself the occasion, + however unintentionally, of the destruction of a fellow + creature. + + 'While I await your answer, I summon to my heart all its + remaining strength and spirits. Say to me, in clear and + decisive terms, that the obstacles which oppose my affection + _are absolutely, and altogether, insuperable_--Or that + there is a possibility of their removal, but that time and + patience are, yet, necessary to determine their force. In + this case, I will not disturb the future operations of your + mind, assuring myself, that you will continue my suspence no + longer than is proper and requisite--or frankly accept, and + return, the faith of her to whom you are infinitely dearer + than life itself! + + 'Early to-morrow morning, a messenger shall call for the + paper, which is to decide the colour of my future destiny. + Every moment, that the blow has been suspended, it has + acquired additional force--since it must, at length, + descend, it would be weakness still to desire its + protraction--We have, already, refined too much--_I promise + to live--more, alas! I cannot promise_. + + '_Farewel!_ dearest and most beloved of men--whatever may be + my fate--_be happiness yours!_ Once more, my lingering, + foreboding heart, repeats _farewel!_ + + 'EMMA.' + + +It would be unnecessary to paint my feelings during the interval in +which I waited a reply to this letter--I struggled to repress hope, and +to prepare my mind for the dissolution of a thousand air-built fabrics. +The day wore tediously away in strong emotion, and strong exertion. On +the subsequent morning, I sat, waiting the return of my messenger, +in a state of mind, difficult even to be conceived--I heard him +enter--breathless, I flew to meet him--I held out my hand--I could not +speak. + +'Mr Harley desired me to tell you, _he had not had time to write_.' + +Gracious God! I shudder, even now, to recall the convulsive sensation! I +sunk into a chair--I sat for some time motionless, every faculty seemed +suspended. At length, returning to recollection, I wrote a short +incoherent note, entreating-- + +'To be spared another day, another night, like the preceding--I asked +only _one single line_! In the morning I had made up my mind to +fortitude--it was now sinking--another day, I could not answer for the +consequences.' + +Again an interval of suspense--again my messenger returned with +a verbal reply--'_He would write to-morrow._' Unconsciously, I +exclaimed--'_Barbarous, unfeeling, unpitying, man!_' A burst of tears +relieved--no--_it did not relieve me_. The day passed--I know not +how--I dare not recollect. + +The next morning, I arose, somewhat refreshed; my exhausted strength and +spirits had procured me a few hours of profound slumber. A degree of +resentment gave a temporary firmness to my nerves. 'What happiness (I +repeated to myself) could I have expected with a man, thus regardless of +my feelings?' I composed my spirits--_hope was at an end_--into a sort +of sullen resignation to my fate--a half stupor! + +At noon the letter arrived, coldly, confusedly written; methought there +appeared even a degree of irritation in it. + +'_Another, a prior attachment_--His behaviour had been such, as +necessarily resulted from such an engagement--unavoidable circumstances +had prevented an earlier reply.' My swollen heart--but it is enough--'He +blamed my impatience--he would, in future, perhaps, when my mind had +attained more composure, make some remarks on my letter.' + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + +To write had always afforded a temporary relief to my spirits--The next +day I resumed my pen. + + + TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY. + + 'If, after reflecting upon, and comparing, many parts of + your past conduct, you can acquit yourself, at the sacred + bar of humanity--it is well! How often have I called + for--urged, with all the energy of truth and feeling--but in + vain--such a letter as you have at length written--and, + _even now_, though somewhat late, I thank you for it. Yet, + what could have been easier, than to repeat so plain and so + simple a tale? The vague hints, you had before given, I had + repeatedly declared to be insufficient. Remember, all my + earnestness, and all my simplicity, and _learn the value of + sincerity_! "Oh! with what difficulty is an active mind, + once forced into any particular train, persuaded to desert + it as hopeless!"[12] + + [Footnote 12: Godwin's Caleb Williams.] + + 'This recital, then, was not to be confirmed, till the whole + moral conformation of my mind was affected--till the barbed + arrow had fixed, and rankled in, and poisoned, with its + envenomed point, every vein, every fibre, of my heart. This, + I confess, is now the case--Reason and self-respect sustain + me--but the wound you have inflicted _is indelible_--it will + continue to be the corroding canker at the root of my peace. + My youth has been worn in anguish--and the summer of life + will probably be overshadowed by a still thicker and darker + cloud. But I mean not to reproach you--it is not given me to + contribute to your happiness--the dearest and most ardent + wish of my soul--I would not then inflict unnecessary + pain--yet, I would fix upon your mind, the value of + _unequivocal sincerity_. + + 'Had the happiness of any human being, the meanest, the + vilest, depended as much upon me, as mine has done on you, I + would have sacrificed, for their relief, the dearest secret + of my heart--the secret, even upon which my very existence + had depended. It is true, you did not directly deceive + me--but is that enough for the delicacy of humanity? May the + past be an affecting lesson to us both--it is written upon + my mind in characters of blood. I feel, and acknowledge, my + own errors, in yielding to the illusion of vague, visionary, + expectation; but my faults have originated in a generous + source--they have been the wild, ardent, fervent, excesses, + of a vigorous and an exalted mind! + + 'I checked my tears, as they flowed, and they are already + dried--uncalled, unwished, for--why do they, thus, struggle + to force their way? my mind has, I hope, too much energy, + utterly to sink--I know what it is to suffer, and to combat + with, if not to subdue, my feelings--and _certainty_, + itself, is some relief. I am, also, supported by the + retrospect of my conduct; with all its mistakes, and all its + extravagances, it has been that of a virtuous, ingenuous, + uncorrupted, mind. You have contemned a heart of no common + value, you have sported with its exquisite sensibilities--but + it will, still, know how to separate your virtues from + your errors. + + 'You reprove, perhaps justly, my impatience--I can only say, + that circumstanced as you were, I should have stolen an hour + from rest, from company, from business, however, important, + to have relieved and soothed a fellow-creature in a + situation, so full of pain and peril. Every thought, during + a day scarcely to be recollected without agony, _was a + two-edged sword_--but some hours of profound and refreshing + slumber recruited my exhausted spirits, and enabled me, + yesterday, to receive my fate, with a fortitude but little + hoped for. + + 'You would oblige me exceedingly by the remarks you allow me + to hope for, on my letter of the ----th. You know, I will + not shrink from reproof--that letter afforded you the last + proof of my affection, and I repent not of it. I loved you, + first, for what, I conceived, high qualities of mind--from + nature and association, my tenderness became personal--till + at length, I loved you, not only rationally and + tenderly--_but passionately_--it became a pervading and a + devouring fire! And, yet, I do not blush--my affection + was modest, if intemperate, _for it was individual_--it + annihilated in my eyes every other man in the creation. I + regret these natural sensations and affections, their + forcible suppression injures the mind--it converts the mild + current of gentle, and genial sympathies, into a destructive + torrent. This, I have the courage to avow it, has been one + of the miserable mistakes in morals, and, like all other + partial remedies, has increased the evil, it was intended + to correct. From monastic institutions and principles have + flowed, as from a polluted source, streams, that have + at once spread through society a mingled contagion of + dissoluteness and hypocrisy. + + 'You have suddenly arrested my affections in their full + career--in all their glowing effervescence--you have taken + + "The rose + From the fair forehead of an innocent love, + And placed a blister there." + + 'And, yet, I survive the shock, and determine to live, not + for future enjoyment--that is now, for ever, past--_but for + future usefulness_--Is not this virtue? + + 'I am sorry your attachment has been and I fear is likely + to be, protracted--I know, too well, the misery of + these situations, and I should, now, feel a melancholy + satisfaction in hearing of its completion--In that + completion, may you experience no disappointment! I do not + wish you to be beloved, as I have loved you; this, perhaps, + is unnecessary; such an affection, infallibly, enslaves the + heart that cherishes it; and slavery is the tomb of virtue + and of peace. + + 'I believe it would not be proper for us to meet again--at + least at present--should I hear of sickness, or calamity, + befalling you, I shall, I suspect, be impelled, by an + irresistible impulse to seek you--but I will no more + interrupt your repose--Though you have contemned my + affection, my friendship will still follow you. + + 'If you really _love_, I think you ought to make some + sacrifices, and not render yourself, and the happy + object of your tenderness, the victims of factitious + notions.--Remember--youth and life will quickly + fade. Relinquish, call upon her to relinquish, her + prejudices--should she refuse, she is unworthy of you, and + you will regret, too late, the tender, faithful, ingenuous + heart, that you have pierced through and through--_that + you have almost broken_! Should she make you happy, I will + esteem, though I may never have an opportunity of thanking, + her--Were she informed of my conduct, she might rejoice in + the trial of your affection--though I should not. + + 'The spirits, that had crouded round my heart, are already + subsiding--a flood of softness, a tide of overwhelming + affection, gushes upon it--and I feel sinking into helpless, + infantine, distress! Hasten to me your promised remarks--they + will rouse, they will strengthen, me--_Truth_ I will never + call indelicate or inhuman--it is only the virtuous mind + can dare to practise, to challenge, it:--simplicity is true + refinement. + + 'Let us reap from the past all the good we can--a close, and + searching, knowledge of the secret springs and foldings of + our hearts. Methinks, I could wish you justified, _even at + my own expence_.--I ask, unshrinkingly, a frank return. + + 'A heart-rending sigh accompanies my _farewel_--the last + struggles of expiring nature will be far less painful--but + my philosophy, now, _sternly_ calls upon me to put its + precepts in practice--trembling--shuddering--I obey! + + '_Farewel!_ + 'EMMA.' + + +Perhaps it cost me some effort to make the preceding letter so +moderate--yet, every victory gained over ourselves is attended with +advantages. But this apparent calm was the lethargy of despair--it was +succeeded by severer conflicts, by keener anguish. A week passed, and +near a second--I received no answer. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + +A letter from the country made it necessary for me, again, to address Mr +Harley, to make some enquiries which respected business of his mother's. +It may be, that I felt a mixture of other motives;--it is certain, that +when I wrote, I spoke of more than business. + + + 'I had hoped,' I told him, 'ere this, to have received the + promised letter--Yet, I do not take up my pen,' said I, + 'either to complain of, or to importune, you. If I have + already expressed myself with bitterness, let the harrassed + state of my mind be my excuse. My own conduct has been too + erroneous, too eccentric, to enable me to judge impartially + of your's. Forgive me, if by placing you in an embarrassing + situation, I have exposed you to consequent mistake or + uneasiness. I feel, that whatever errors we may either of + us have committed, _originated only with myself_, and I am + content to suffer all the consequences. It is true, had you + reposed in me an early, generous, confidence, much misery + would have been avoided--I had not been wounded + + "There, where the human heart most exquisitely + feels!" + + 'You had been still my friend, and I had been comparatively + happy. Every passion is, in a great measure, the growth of + indulgence: all our desires are, in their commencement, + easily suppressed, when there appears no probability of + attaining their object; but when strengthened, by time and + reflection, into habit, in endeavouring to eradicate them, + we tear away part of the mind. In my attachments there is a + kind of savage tenacity--they are of an elastic nature, + and, being forced back, return with additional violence. + + 'My affection for you has not been, altogether, irrational + or selfish. While I felt that I loved you, as no other + woman, I was convinced, would love you--I conceived, could I + once engage your heart, I could satisfy, and even, purify + it. While I loved your virtues, I thought I saw, and I + lamented, the foibles which sullied them. I suspected you, + perhaps erroneously, of pride, ambition, the love of + distinction; yet your ambition could not, I thought, be of + an ignoble nature--I feared that the gratifications you + sought, if, indeed, attainable, were factitious--I even + fancied I perceived you, against your better judgment, + labouring to seduce yourself!' "He is under a delusion," + said I, to myself;--"reason may be stunned, or blinded, for + awhile; but it will revive in the heart, and do its office, + when sophistry will be of no avail." I saw you struggling + with vexations, that I was assured might be meliorated by + tender confidence--I longed to pour its balms into your + bosom. My sensibility disquieted you, and myself, only + _because it was constrained_. I thought I perceived a + conflict in your mind--I watched its progress with attention + and solicitude. A thousand times has my fluttering heart + yearned to break the cruel chains that fettered it, and to + chase the cloud, which stole over your brow, by the tender, + yet chaste, caresses and endearments of ineffable affection! + My feelings became too highly wrought, and altogether + insupportable. Sympathy for your situation, zeal for your + virtues, love for your mind, tenderness for your person--a + complication of generous, affecting, exquisite, emotions, + impelled me to make one great effort.--"[13] The world might + call my plans absurd, my views romantic, my pretensions + extravagant--Was I, or was I not, guilty of any crime, when, + in the very acme of the passions, I so totally disregarded + the customs of the world?" Ah! what were my sensations--what + did I not suffer, in the interval?--and you prolonged that + cruel interval--and still you suffer me to doubt, whether, + at the moment in my life when I was actuated by the highest, + the most fervent, the most magnanimous, principles--whether, + at that moment, when I most deserved your respect, I did not + for ever forfeit it. + + [Footnote 13: Holcroft's Anna St Ives.] + + 'I seek not to extenuate any part of my conduct--I confess + that it has been wild, extravagant, romantic--I confess, + that, even for your errors, I am justly blameable--and yet + I am unable to bear, because I feel they would be unjust, + your hatred and contempt. I cherish no resentment--my spirit + is subdued and broken--your unkindness sinks into my soul. + + 'EMMA.' + + +Another fortnight wore away in fruitless expectation--the morning +rose, the evening closed, upon me, in sadness. I could not, yet, think +the mystery developed: on a concentrated view of the circumstances, +they appeared to me contradictory, and irreconcileable. A solitary +enthusiast, a child in the drama of the world, I had yet to learn, that +those who have courage to act upon advanced principles, must be content +to suffer moral martyrdom.[14] In subduing our own prejudices, we have +done little, while assailed on every side by the prejudices of others. +My own heart acquitted me; but I dreaded that distortion of mind, that +should wrest guilt out of the most sublime of its emanations. + + [Footnote 14: This sentiment may be just in some particular + cases, but it is by no means of general application, and + must be understood with great limitations.] + +I ruminated in gloomy silence, on my forlorn, and hopeless, situation. +'If there be not a future state of being,' said I to myself, 'what is +this!--Tortured in every stage of it, "Man cometh forth like a flower, +and is cut down--he fleeth, as a shadow, and continueth not!"--I looked +backward on my past life, and my heart sickened--its confidence in +humanity was shaken--I looked forward, and all was cheerless. I had +certainly committed many errors!--Who has not--who, with a fancy as +lively, feelings as acute, and a character as sanguine, as mine? "What, +in fact," says a philosophic writer,[15] "is character?--the production +of a lively and constant affection, and consequently, of a strong +passion:"--eradicate that passion, that ferment, that leaven, that +exuberance, which raises and makes the mind what it is, and what +remains? Yet, let us beware how we wantonly expend this divine, this +invigorating, power. Every grand error, in a mind of energy, in its +operations and consequences, carries us years forward--_precious years, +never to be recalled_!' I could find no substitute for the sentiments +I regretted--for that sentiment formed my character; and, but for the +obstacles which gave it force, though I might have suffered less +misery, I should, I suspect, have gained less improvement; still +adversity _is a real evil_; and I foreboded that this improvement had +been purchased too dear. + + [Footnote 15: Helvetius.] + + + + +CHAPTER X + + +Weeks elapsed ere the promised letter arrived--a letter still colder, +and more severe, than the former. I wept over it, bitter tears! +It accused me 'of adding to the vexations of a situation, before +sufficiency oppressive.'--Alas! had I known the nature of those +vexations, could I have merited such a reproof? The Augustus, I had so +long and so tenderly loved, no longer seemed to exist. Some one had, +surely, usurped his signature, and imitated those characters, I had been +accustomed to trace with delight. He tore himself from me, _nor would +he deign to soften the pang of separation_. Anguish overwhelmed me--my +heart was pierced. Reclining my head on my folded arms, I yielded myself +up to silent grief. Alone, sad, desolate, no one heeded my sorrows--no +eye pitied me--no friendly voice cheered my wounded spirit! The social +propensities of a mind forbidden to expand itself, forced back, preyed +incessantly upon that mind, secretly consuming its powers. + +I was one day roused from these melancholy reflections by the entrance +of my cousin, Mrs Denbeigh. She held in her hand a letter, from my only +remaining friend, Mrs Harley. I snatched it hastily; my heart, lacerated +by the seeming unkindness of him in whom it had confided, yearned to +imbibe the consolation, which the gentle tenderness of this dear, +maternal, friend, had never failed to administer. The first paragraph +informed me-- + + + 'That she had, a few days since, received a letter from the + person to whom the legacy of her son devolved, should he + fail in observing the prescribed conditions of the testator: + that this letter gave her notice, that those conditions had + already been infringed, Mr Harley having contracted a + marriage, three years before, with a foreigner, with whom + he had become acquainted during his travels; that this + marriage had been kept a secret, and, but very lately, by an + accidental concurrence of circumstances, revealed to the + person most concerned in the detection. Undoubted proofs of + the truth of this information could be produced; it would + therefore be most prudent in her son to resign his claims, + without putting himself, and the legal heir, to unnecessary + expence and litigation. Ignorant of the residence of Mr + Harley, the writer troubled his mother to convey to him + these particulars.' + + +The paper dropped from my hand, the colour forsook my lips and +cheeks;--yet I neither wept, nor fainted. Mrs Denbeigh took my +hands--they were frozen--the blood seemed congealed in my veins--and I +sat motionless--my faculties suspended, stunned, locked up! My friend +spake to me--embraced, shed tears over, me--but she could not excite +mine;--my mind was pervaded by a sense of confused misery. I remained +many days in this situation--it was a state, of which I have but a +feeble remembrance; and I, at length, awoke from it, as from a +troublesome dream. + +With returning reason, the tide of recollection also returned. Oh! +how complicated appeared to me the guilt of Augustus! Ignorant of his +situation, I had been unconsciously, and perseveringly, exerting myself +to seduce the affections of a _husband_ from his _wife_. He had made +me almost criminal in my own eyes--he had risqued, at once, by a +disingenuous and cruel reserve, the virtue and the happiness of three +beings. What is virtue, but a calculation of _the consequences of our +actions_? Did we allow ourselves to reason on this principle, to reflect +on its truth and importance, we should be compelled to shudder at many +parts of our conduct, which, _taken unconnectedly_, we have habituated +ourselves to consider as almost indifferent. Virtue can exist only in a +mind capable of taking comprehensive views. How criminal, then, is +ignorance! + +During this sickness of the soul, Mr Francis, who had occasionally +visited me since my residence in town, called, repeatedly, to enquire +after my welfare; expressing a friendly concern for my indisposition. I +saw him not--I was incapable of seeing any one--but, informed by my kind +hostess of his humane attentions, soothed by the idea of having yet +a friend who seemed to interest himself in my concerns, I once more +had recourse to my pen (Mrs Denbeigh having officiously placed the +implements of writing in my way), and addressed him in the wild and +incoherent language of despair. + + + TO MR FRANCIS. + + 'You once told me, that I was incapable of heroism; and you + were right--yet, I am called to great exertions! a blow that + has been suspended over my head, days, weeks, months, years, + has at length fallen--still I live! My tears flow--I + struggle, in vain, to suppress them, but they are not tears + of blood!--My heart, though pierced through and through, is + not broken! + + 'My friend, come and teach me how to acquire fortitude--I + am wearied with misery--All nature is to me a blank--an + envenomed shaft rankles in my bosom--philosophy will not + heal the festering wound--_I am exquisitely wretched!_ + + 'Do not chide me till I get more strength--I speak to you of + my sorrows, for your kindness, while I was yet a stranger to + you, inspired me with confidence, and my desolate heart + looks round for support. + + 'I am indebted to you--how shall I repay your goodness? Do + you, indeed, interest yourself in my fate? Call upon me, + then, for the few incidents of my life--I will relate them + simply, and without disguise. There is nothing uncommon in + them, but the effect which they have produced upon my + mind--yet, that mind they formed. + + 'After all, my friend, what a wretched farce is life! Why + cannot I sleep, and, close my eyes upon it for ever? But + something whispers, "_this would be wrong_."--How shall + I tear from my heart all its darling, close twisted, + associations?--And must I live--_live for what?_ God only + knows! Yet, how am I sure that there is a God--is he + wise--is he powerful--is he benevolent? If he be, can + he sport himself in the miseries of poor, feeble, + impotent, beings, forced into existence, without their + choice--impelled, by the iron hand of necessity, through + mistake, into calamity?--Ah! my friend, who will condemn the + poor solitary wanderer, whose feet are pierced with many a + thorn, should he turn suddenly out of the rugged path, seek + an obscure shade to shrowd his wounds, his sorrows, and + his indignation, from the scorn of a pitiless world, and + accelerate the hour of repose.[16] Who would be born if they + could help it? You would perhaps--_you may do good_--But on + me, the sun shines only to mock my woes--Oh! that I had + never seen the light. + + [Footnote 16: This is the reasoning of a mind distorted by + passion. Even in the moment of disappointment, our heroine + judged better. See page 38.] + + 'Torn by conflicting passions--wasted in anguish--life is + melting fast away--A burthen to myself, a grief to those + who love me, and worthless to every one. Weakened by long + suspence--preyed upon, by a combination of imperious + feelings--I fear, I greatly fear, the _irrecoverable blow + is struck_! But I blame no one--I have been entangled in + error--_who is faultless?_ + + 'While pouring itself out on paper, my tortured mind has + experienced a momentary relief: If your heart be inaccessible + to tender sympathies, I have only been adding one more to my + numberless mistakes! + 'EMMA.' + + +Mr Francis visited me, and evinced for my situation the most humane and +delicate consideration. He reminded me of the offer I had made him, and +requested the performance of my engagement. In compliance with this +request, and to beguile my melancholy thoughts, I drew up a sketch of +the events of my past life, and unfolded a history of the sentiments of +my mind (from which I have extracted the preceding materials) reserving +only any circumstance which might lead to a detection of the name and +family of the man with whom they were so intimately blended. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + +After having perused my manuscript, Mr Francis returned it, at my +desire, accompanied by the following letter. + + + TO EMMA COURTNEY. + + 'Your narrative leaves me full of admiration for your + qualities, and compassion for your insanity. + + 'I entreat however your attention to the following passage, + extracted from your papers. "After considering all I have + urged, you may perhaps reply, that the subject is too nice, + and too subtle, for reasoning, and that the heart is not + to be compelled. This, I think, is a mistake. There is no + topic, in fact, that may not be subjected to the laws of + investigation and reasoning. What is it we desire? pleasure, + happiness. What! the pleasure of an instant, only; or that + which is more solid and permanent? I allow, pleasure is the + supreme good! but it may be analysed. To this analysis I now + call you." + + 'Could I, if I had studied for years, invent a comment on + your story, more salutary to your sorrows, more immoveable + in its foundation, more clearly expressed, or more + irresistibly convincing to every rational mind? + + 'How few real, substantial, misfortunes there are in the + world! how few calamities, the sting of which does not + depend upon our cherishing the viper in our bosom, and + applying the aspic to our veins! The general pursuit of all + men, we are frequently told, is happiness. I have often been + tempted to think, on the contrary, that the general pursuit + is misery. It is true, men do not recognize it by its + genuine appellation; they content themselves with the + pitiful expedient of assigning it a new denomination. But, + if their professed purpose were misery, could they be more + skilful and ingenious in the pursuit? + + 'Look through your whole life. To speak from your own + description, was there ever a life, in its present period, + less chequered with substantial _bona fide_ misfortune? The + whole force of every thing which looks like a misfortune + was assiduously, unintermittedly, provided by yourself. You + nursed in yourself a passion, which, taken in the degree + in which you experienced it, is the unnatural and odious + invention of a distempered civilization, and which in + almost all instances generates an immense overbalance of + excruciating misery. Your conduct will scarcely admit of any + other denomination than moon-struck madness, hunting after + torture. You addressed a man impenetrable as a rock, and + the smallest glimpse of sober reflection, and common sense, + would have taught you instantly to have given up the + pursuit. + + 'I know you will tell me, and you will tell yourself, a + great deal about constitution, early association, and the + indissoluble chain of habits and sentiments. But I answer + with small fear of being erroneous, "It is a mistake to + suppose, that the heart is not to be compelled. There is no + topic, in fact, that may not be subjected to the laws of + investigation and reasoning. Pleasure, happiness, is the + supreme good; and happiness is susceptible of being + analysed." I grant, that the state of a human mind cannot be + changed at once; but, had you worshipped at the altar of + reason but half as assiduously as you have sacrificed at + the shrine of illusion, your present happiness would have + been as enviable, as your present distress is worthy of + compassion. If men would but take the trouble to ask + themselves, once every day, Why should I be miserable? how + many, to whom life is a burthen, would become chearful and + contented. + + 'Make a catalogue of all the real evils of human life; + bodily pain, compulsory solitude, severe corporal labour, + in a word, all those causes which deprive us of health, or + the means of spending our time in animated, various, and + rational pursuits. Aye, these are real evils! But I should + be ashamed of putting disappointed love into my enumeration. + Evils of this sort are the brood of folly begotten upon + fastidious indolence. They shrink into non-entity, when + touched by the wand of truth. + + 'The first lesson of enlightened reason, the great fountain + of heroism and virtue, the principle by which alone man can + become what man is capable of being, is _independence_. May + every power that is favourable to integrity, to honour, + defend me from leaning upon another for support! I will use + the word, I will use my fellow men, but I will not abuse + these invaluable benefits of the system of nature. I will + not be weak and criminal enough, to make my peace depend + upon the precarious thread of another's life or another's + pleasure. I will judge for myself; I will draw my support + from myself--the support of my existence and the support + of my happiness. The system of nature has perhaps made me + dependent for the means of existence and happiness upon my + fellow men taken collectively; but nothing but my own + folly can make me dependent upon individuals. Will these + principles prevent me from admiring, esteeming, and loving + such as are worthy to excite these emotions? Can I not have + a mind to understand, and a heart to feel excellence, + without first parting with the fairest attribute of my + nature? + + 'You boast of your sincerity and frankness. You have + doubtless some reason for your boast--Yet all your + misfortunes seem to have arisen from concealment. You + brooded over your emotions, and considered them as a sacred + deposit--You have written to me, I have seen you frequently, + during the whole of this transaction, without ever having + received the slightest hint of it, yet, if I be a fit + counsellor now, I was a fit counsellor then; your folly was + so gross, that, if it had been exposed to the light of day, + it could not have subsisted for a moment. Even now you + suppress the name of your hero: yet, unless I know how much + of a hero and a model of excellence he would appear in my + eyes, I can be but a very imperfect judge of the affair. + + '---- FRANCIS.' + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + +To the remonstrance of my friend, which roused me from the languor into +which I was sinking, I immediately replied-- + + + TO MR FRANCIS. + + 'You retort upon me my own arguments, and you have cause. I + felt a ray of conviction dart upon my mind, even, while I + wrote them. But what then?--"I seemed to be in a state, in + which reason had no power; I felt as if I could coolly + survey the several arguments of the case--perceive, that + they had prudence, truth, and common sense on their + side--And then answer--I am under the guidance of a director + more energetic than you!"[17] I am affected by your + kindness--I am affected by your letter. I could weep over + it, bitter tears of conviction and remorse. But argue with + the wretch infected with the plague--will it stop the tide + of blood, that is rapidly carrying its contagion to the + heart? I blush! I shed burning tears! But I am still + desolate and wretched! And how am I to stop it? The force + which you impute to my reasoning was the powerful frenzy of + a high delirium. + + [Footnote 17: Godwin's Caleb Williams.] + + 'What does it signify whether, abstractedly considered, a + misfortune be worthy of the names real and substantial, if + the consequences produced are the same? That which embitters + all my life, that which stops the genial current of health + and peace is, whatever be its nature, a real calamity to me. + There is no end to this reasoning--what individual can limit + the desires of another? The necessaries of the civilized man + are whimsical superfluities in the eye of the savage. Are + we, or are we not (as you have taught me) the creatures of + sensation and circumstance? + + 'I agree with you--and the more I look into society, the + deeper I feel the soul-sickening conviction--"The general + pursuit is misery"--necessarily--excruciating misery, from + the source to which you justly ascribe it--"_The unnatural + and odious inventions of a distempered civilization._" I am + content, you may perceive, to recognize things by their + genuine appellation. I am, at least, a reasoning maniac: + perhaps the most dangerous species of insanity. But while + the source continues troubled, why expect the streams to run + pure? + + 'You know I will tell you--"about the indissoluble chains of + association and habit:" and you attack me again with my own + weapons! Alas! while I confess their impotence, with what + consistency do I accuse the flinty, impenetrable, heart, I + so earnestly sought, in vain, to move? What materials does + this stubborn mechanism of the mind offer to the wise and + benevolent legislator! + + 'Had I, you tell me, "worshipped at the altar of reason, but + half as assiduously as I have sacrificed at the shrine of + illusion, my happiness might have been enviable." But do + you not perceive, that my reason was the auxiliary of my + passion, or rather my passion the generative principle of my + reason? Had not these contradictions, these oppositions, + roused the energy of my mind, I might have domesticated, + tamely, in the lap of indolence and apathy. + + 'I do ask myself, every day--"Why should I be miserable?"--and + I answer, "Because the strong, predominant, sentiment of my + soul, close twisted with all its cherished associations, has + been rudely torn away, and the blood flows from the lacerated + wound. You would be ashamed of placing disappointed love in + your enumeration of evils! Gray was not ashamed of this-- + + 'And pining love shall waste their youth, + And jealousy, with rankling tooth, + That inly gnaws the secret heart!' + + * * * * * + + 'These shall the stings of falsehood try, + And hard unkindness' alter'd eye, + That mocks the tear it forc'd to flow.'" + + 'Is it possible that you can be insensible of all the mighty + mischiefs which have been caused by this passion--of the + great events and changes of society, to which it has + operated as a powerful, though secret, spring? That Jupiter + shrouded his glories beneath a mortal form; that he + descended yet lower, and crawled as a reptile--that Hercules + took the distaff, and Sampson was shorn of his strength, are + in their spirit, no fables. Yet, these were the legends of + ages less degenerate than this, and states of society less + corrupt. Ask your own heart--whether some of its most + exquisite sensations have not arisen from sources, which, to + nine-tenths of the world, would be equally inconceivable: + Mine, I believe, is a _solitary madness in the eighteenth + century: it is not on the altars of love, but of gold, that + men, now, come to pay their offerings_. + + 'Why call woman, miserable, oppressed, and impotent, + woman--_crushed, and then insulted_--why call her to + _independence_--which not nature, but the barbarous and + accursed laws of society, have denied her? _This is + mockery!_ Even you, wise and benevolent as you are, can mock + the child of slavery and sorrow! "Excluded, as it were, by + the pride, luxury, and caprice, of the world, from expanding + my sensations, and wedding my soul to society, I was + constrained to bestow the strong affections, that glowed + consciously within me, upon a few."[18] Love, in minds of + any elevation, cannot be generated but upon a real, or + fancied, foundation of excellence. But what would be a + miracle in architecture, is true in morals--the fabric can + exist when the foundation has mouldered away. _Habit_ daily + produces this wonderful effect upon every feeling, and every + principle. Is not this the theory which you have taught me? + + [Footnote 18: Godwin's Caleb Williams.] + + 'Am I not sufficiently ingenuous?--I will give you a + new proof of my frankness (though not the proof you + require).--From the miserable consequences of wretched moral + distinctions, from chastity having been considered as a + sexual virtue, all these calamities have flowed. Men are + thus rendered sordid and dissolute in their pleasures; their + affections vitiated, and their feelings petrified; the + simplicity of modest tenderness loses its charm; they become + incapable of satisfying the heart of a woman of sensibility + and virtue.--Half the sex, then, are the wretched, degraded, + victims of brutal instinct: the remainder, if they sink not + into mere frivolity and insipidity, are sublimed into a + sort of--[what shall I call them?]--refined, romantic, + factitious, unfortunate, beings; who, for the sake of the + present moment, dare not expose themselves to complicated, + inevitable, evils; evils, that will infallibly overwhelm + them with misery and regret! Woe be, more especially, to + those who, possessing the dangerous gifts of fancy and + feeling, find it as difficult to discover a substitute for + the object as for the sentiment! You, who are a philosopher, + will you still controvert the principles founded in truth + and nature? "Gross as is my folly," (and I do not deny it) + "you may perceive I was not wholly wandering in darkness. + But while the wintry sun of hope illumined the fairy + frost-work with a single, slanting ray--dazzled by the + transient brightness, I dreaded the meridian fervors + that should dissolve the glittering charm." Yes! it was + madness--but it was the pleasurable madness which none but + madmen know. + + 'I cannot answer your question--Pain me not by its + repetition; neither seek to ensnare me to the disclosure. + Unkindly, severely, as I have been treated, I will not + risque, even, the possibility of injuring the man, whom I + have so tenderly loved, in the esteem of any one. Were I to + name him, you know him not; you could not judge of his + qualities. He is not "a model of excellence." I perceive it, + with pain--and if obliged to retract my judgment on some + parts of his character--I retract it with agonizing + reluctance! But I could trace the sources of his errors, and + candour and self-abasement imperiously compel me to a mild + judgment, to stifle the petulant suggestions of a wounded + spirit. + + 'Ought not our principles, my friend, to soften the asperity + of our censures?--Could I have won him to my arms, I thought + I could soften, and even elevate, his mind--a mind, in which + I still perceive a great proportion of good. I weep for him, + as well as for myself. He will, one day, know my value, + and feel my loss. Still, I am sensible, that, by my + extravagance, I have given a great deal of vexation + (possibly some degradation), to a being, whom I had no right + to persecute, or to compel to chuse happiness through a + medium of my creation. I cannot exactly tell the extent of + the injury I may have done him. A long train of consequences + succeed, even, our most indifferent actions.--Strong + energies, though they answer not the end proposed, must yet + produce correspondent effects. Morals and mechanics are here + analogous. No longer, then, distress me by the repetition of + a question I ought not to answer. I am content to be the + victim--Oh! may I be the only victim--of my folly! + + 'One more observation allow me to make, before I conclude. + That we can "admire, esteem, and love," an individual--(for + love in the abstract, loving mankind collectively, conveys + to me no idea)--which must be, in fact, depending upon that + individual for a large share of our felicity, and not lament + his loss, in proportion to our apprehension of his worth, + appears to me a proposition, involving in itself an + absurdity; therefore demonstrably false. + + 'Let me, my friend, see you ere long--your remonstrance has + affected me--save me from myself!' + + +TO THE SAME. + +[In continuation.] + + + 'My letter having been delayed a few days, through a + mistake--I resume my pen; for, running my eye over what I + had written, I perceive (confounded by the force of your + expressions) I have granted you too much. My conduct was + not, altogether, so insane as I have been willing to allow. + It is certain, that could I have attained the end proposed, + my happiness had been encreased. "It is necessary for me to + love and admire, or I sink into sadness." The behaviour + of the man, whom I sought to move, appeared to me too + inconsistent to be the result of _indifference_. To be + roused and stimulated by obstacles--obstacles admitting + hope, because obscurely seen--is no mark of weakness. + Could I have subdued, what I, _then_, conceived to be the + _prejudices_ of a worthy man, I could have increased + both his happiness and my own. I deeply reasoned, and + philosophized, upon the subject. Perseverance, with little + ability, has effected wonders;--with perseverance, I felt, + that, I had the power of uniting ability--confiding in that + power, I was the dupe of my own reason. No other man, + perhaps, could have acted the part which this man has + acted:--how, then, was I to take such a part into my + calculations? + + 'Do not misconceive me--it is no miracle that I did not + inspire affection. On this subject, the mortification I have + suffered has humbled me, it may be, even, unduly in my own + eyes--but to the emotions of my pride, I would disdain to + give words. Whatever may have been my feelings, I am too + proud to express the rage of slighted love!--Yet, I am + sensible to all the powers of those charming lines of + Pope-- + + "Unequal talk, a passion to resign, + For hearts so touch'd, so pierc'd, so lost, as mine! + Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state, + How often must it love, how often hate; + How often hope, despair, resent, regret, + Conceal, disdain, _do all things but forget_!" + + 'But to return. I pursued, comparatively, (as I thought) a + certain good; and when, at times, discouraged, I have + repeated to myself--What! after all these pains, shall I + relinquish my efforts, when, perhaps, on the very verge of + success?--To say nothing of the difficulty of forcing an + active mind out of its trains--if I desisted, what was to be + the result? The sensations I now feel--apathy, stagnation, + abhorred vacuity! + + 'You cannot resist the force of my reasoning--you, who are + acquainted with, who know how to paint, in colours true to + nature, the human heart--you, who admire, as a proof of + power, the destructive courage of an Alexander, even the + fanatic fury of a Ravaillac--you, who honour the pernicious + ambition of an Augustus Cæsar, as bespeaking the potent, + energetic, mind!--why should _you_ affect to be intolerant + to a passion, though differing in nature, generated on the + same principles, and by a parallel process. The capacity of + perception, or of receiving sensation, is (or generates) the + power; into what channel that power shall be directed, + depends not on ourselves. Are we not the creatures of + outward impressions? Without such impressions, should we be + any thing? Are not passions and powers synonimous--or can + the latter be produced without the lively interest that + constitutes the former? Do you dream of annihilating the + one--and will not the other be extinguished? With the + apostle, Paul, permit me to say--"I am not mad, but speak + the words of truth and soberness." + + 'To what purpose did you read my confessions, but to trace + in them a character formed, like every other human + character, by the result of unavoidable impressions, and the + chain of necessary events. I feel, that my arguments are + incontrovertible:--I suspect that, by affecting to deny + their force, you will endeavour to deceive either me or + yourself.--I have acquired the power of reasoning on this + subject at a dear rate--at the expence of inconceivable + suffering. Attempt not to deny me the miserable, expensive, + victory. I am ready to say--(ungrateful that I am)--Why did + you put me upon calling forth my strong reason? + + 'I perceive there is no cure for me--(apathy is, not the + restoration to health, but, the morbid lethargy of the soul) + but by a new train of impressions, of whatever nature, + equally forcible with the past.--You will tell me, It + remains with myself whether I will predetermine to resist + such impressions. Is this true? Is it philosophical? Ask + yourself. What!--can _even you_ shrink from the consequences + of your own principles? + + 'One word more--You accuse me of brooding in silence over my + sensations--of considering them as a "sacred deposit." + Concealment is particularly repugnant to my disposition--yet + a thousand delicacies--a thousand nameless solicitudes, and + apprehensions, sealed my lips!--He who inspired them was, + alone, the depositary of my most secret thoughts!--my heart + was unreservedly open before him--I covered my paper with + its emotions, and transmitted it to him--like him who + whispered his secret into the earth, to relieve the burden + of uncommunicated thought. My secret was equally safe, and + received in equal silence! Alas! he was not then ignorant of + the effects it was likely to produce! + + 'EMMA.' + + +Mr Francis continued his humane and friendly attentions; and, while he +opposed my sentiments, as conceiving them destructive of my tranquillity, +mingled with his opposition a gentle and delicate consideration for my +feelings, that sensibly affected me, and excited my grateful attachment. +He judged right, that, by stimulating my mind into action, the sensations, +which so heavily oppressed it, might be, in some measure, mitigated--by +diverting the course of my ideas into different channels, and by that +means abating their force. His kindness soothed and flattered me, and +communications relieved my thoughts. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + +The period which succeeded these events, though tedious in wearing away, +marked by no vicissitude, has left little impression behind. The tenor +of my days resembled the still surface of a stagnant lake, embosomed +in a deep cavern, over which the refreshing breezes never sweep. Sad, +vacant, inactive--the faculties both of mind and body seemed almost +suspended. I became weak, languid, enervated--my disorder was a lethargy +of soul. This was gradually succeeded by disease of body:--an inactivity, +so contrary to all the habits of my past life, generated morbid humours, +and brought on a slow, remitting, fever. I recovered, by degrees, +from this attack, but remained for some time in a debilitated, though +convalescent, state. A few weeks after my disorder returned, lasted +longer, and left me still more weakened and depressed. A third time it +assailed me, at a shorter interval; and, though less violent, was more +protracted, and more exhausting. + +Mrs Denbeigh, alarmed by my situation, wrote to Mrs Harley, expressing +the apprehensions which she entertained. From this dear friend, who was +herself in a declining state of health, I received a pressing invitation +to visit, once more, the village of F----; and to seek, from change of +air, change of scene, and the cordial endearments of friendship, a +restoration for my debilitated frame, and a balm for my wounded mind. + +My relation, at this period, had letters from her husband, informing +her, that the term of his residence in India was prolonged; pressing her +to join him there, and to come over in the next ship. To this request +she joyfully acceded; and, hearing that a packet was about to sail for +Bengal, secured her passage, and began immediately to make preparations +for her departure. I no longer hesitated to comply with the entreaties +of my friend; besides the tie of strong affection, which drew me to her, +I had, at present, little other resource. + +After affectionately embracing Mrs Denbeigh, wishing a happy issue to +her voyage, thanking her for all her kindness, and leaving a letter of +grateful acknowledgement for Mr Francis, I quitted the metropolis, with +an aching heart, and a wasted frame. My cousin accompanied me to the +inn, from whence the vehicle set out that was to convey me to Mrs +Harley. We parted in silence--a crowd of retrospective ideas of the +past, and solicitudes respecting the future, occupied our thoughts--our +sensations were too affecting for words. + +The carriage quitted London at the close of the evening, and travelled +all night:--it was towards the end of the year. At midnight we passed +over Hounslow and Bagshot heaths. 'The moon,' to adopt the language of +Ossian, 'looked through broken clouds, and brightened their dark-brown +sides.' A loud November blast howled over the heath, and whistled +through the fern.--There was a melancholy desolation in the scene, that +was in unison with my feelings, and which overwhelmed my spirits with a +tide of tender recollections. I recalled to my imagination a thousand +interesting images--I indulged in all the wild enthusiasm of my character. +My fellow-travellers slept tranquilly, while my soul was awake to +agonizing sorrow. I adopted the language of the tender Eloisa--'Why,' +said I, 'am I indebted for life to his care, whose cruelty has rendered +it insupportable? Inhuman, as he is, let him fly from me for ever, +and deny himself the savage pleasure of being an eye-witness to my +sorrows!--But why do I rave thus?--He is not to be blamed--_I, alone, +am guilty_--I, alone, am the author of my own misfortunes, and should, +therefore, be the only object of anger and resentment.'[19] + + [Footnote 19: Rousseau.] + +Weakened by my late indisposition, fatigued by the rough motion of the +carriage, and exhausted by strong emotion, when arrived at the end of my +journey, I was obliged to be lifted from the coach, and carried into the +cottage of my friend. The servant led the way to the library--the door +opened--Mrs Harley advanced, to receive me, with tottering steps. The +ravages of grief, and the traces of sickness, were visible in her dear, +affectionate, countenance. I clasped my hands, and, lifting up my +eyes, beheld the portrait of Augustus--beheld again the resemblance +of those features so deeply engraven on my heart! My imagination was +raised--methought the lively colours of the complexion had faded, the +benignant smile had vanished, and an expression of perplexity and +sternness usurped its place. I uttered a faint shriek, and fell lifeless +into the arms of my friend. It was some time before I returned to sense +and recollection, when I found myself on the bed, in the little chamber +which had formerly been appropriated to my use. My friend sat beside me, +holding my hand in her's, which she bathed with her tears. 'Thank God!' +she exclaimed, in a rapturous accent, (as, with a deep sigh, I raised my +languid eyes, and turned them mournfully towards her)--'she lives!--My +Emma!--child of my affections!'--sobs suppressed her utterance. I drew +the hand, which held mine, towards me--I pressed it to my bosom--'_My +mother!_'--I would have said; but the tender appellation died away upon +my lips, in inarticulate murmurs. + +These severe struggles were followed by a return of my disorder. Mrs +Harley would scarcely be persuaded to quit my chamber for a moment--her +tenderness seemed to afford her new strength;--but these exertions +accelerated the progress of an internal malady, which had for some time +past been gaining ground, and gradually undermining her health. + +Youth, and a good constitution, aided by the kind solicitudes of +friendship, restored me, in a few weeks, to a state of convalescence. +I observed the declining strength of my friend with terror--I accused +myself of having, though involuntarily, added to these alarming symptoms, +by the new fatigues and anxieties which I had occasioned her. Affection +inspired me with those energies, that reason had vainly dictated. I +struggled to subdue myself--I stifled the impetuous suggestions of my +feelings, in exerting myself to fulfil the duties of humanity. My mind +assumed a firmer tone--I became, once more, the cheerful companion, the +tender consoler, the attentive nurse, of this excellent woman, to whose +kindness I was so much indebted--and, if I stole a few moments in the +day, while my friend reposed, to gaze on the resemblance of Augustus, +to weep over the testimonies of his former respect and friendship, +I quickly chased from my bosom, and my countenance, every trace of +sadness, when summoned to attend my friend. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + +The winter came on severe and cold. Mrs Harley was forbidden to expose +herself to the frosty air, which seemed to invigorate my languid frame. +I was constituted her almoner, to distribute to the neighbouring poor +the scanty portion, which she was enabled, by a rigid oeconomy, to spare +from her little income: yet the value of this distribution had been +more than redoubled, by the gentler charities of kind accents, tender +sympathy, and wholesome counsels. To these indigent, but industrious, +cottagers, I studied to be the worthy representative of their amiable +benefactress, and found my reward in their grateful attachment, and the +approving smiles of my friend. + +By degrees, she ventured to converse with me on the subject nearest her +heart--the situation of her son. He had been obliged to yield to the +proofs produced of his marriage, which he had, at first, seemed desirous +of evading. He had written, with reserve, upon the subject to his +mother; but, from the enquiries of a common friend, she had reason to +apprehend, that his engagement had been of an imprudent nature. Two +children, were, already the fruits of it: the mother, with a feminine +helplessness of character, had a feeble constitution. The small fortune, +which Augustus had originally shared with his family, was greatly +reduced. His education and habits had unfitted him for those exertions +which the support of an encreasing family necessarily required:--his +spirits (her friend had informed her) seemed broken, and his temper +soured. Some efforts had been made to serve him, which his lofty spirit +had repelled with disdain. + +This narration deeply affected my heart--I had resigned myself to his +loss--but the idea of his suffering, I felt, was an evil infinitely +severer. It was this conviction that preyed incessantly on the peace +and health of his mother. My fortitude failed, when I would have tried +to sustain her; and I could only afford the melancholy satisfaction of +mingling my sorrows with her's. + +The disorder of my friend rapidly increased--her mind became weakened, +and her feelings wayward and irritable. I watched her incessantly--I +strove, by every alleviating care, to soften her pains. Towards the +approach of spring the symptoms grew more threatening; and it was judged, +by her physician, necessary to apprize her family of her immediate +danger. What a trial for my exhausted heart! I traced, with a trembling +hand, a line to this melancholy purpose--addressed it to Mr Harley, and +through him to his younger brothers and sisters. + +In a few days they arrived in the village--sending from the inn a +servant, to prepare their mother for their approach. I gently intimated +to her the visitants we might expect. The previous evening, a change had +taken place, which indicated approaching dissolution; and her mind (not +uncommon in similar cases) seemed, almost instantaneously, to have +recovered a portion of its original strength. She sighed deeply, while +her eyes, which were fixed wistfully on my face, were lighted with a +bright, but transient, lustre. + +'My dear Emma,' said she, 'this is a trying moment for us both. I shall +soon close my eyes, for ever, upon all worldly cares.--Still cherish, in +your pure and ingenuous mind, a friendship for my Augustus--the darling +of my soul! He may, in future, stand in need of consolation. I had +formed hopes--vain hopes!--in which you and he were equally concerned. +In the happiness of this partially-favoured child--this idol of my +affections--all mine was concentrated. He has disappointed me, and I +have lost the desire of living--Yet, he has noble qualities!--Who, alas! +is perfect? Summon your fortitude, collect your powers, my child, for +this interview!' + +She sunk on her pillow--I answered her only with my tears. A servant +entered--but spoke not--her look announced her tidings--It caught the +eye of Mrs Harley-- + +'Let them enter,' said she; and she raised herself, to receive them, and +assumed an aspect of composure. + +I covered my face with my handkerchief--I heard the sound of footsteps +approaching the bed--I heard the murmurs of filial sorrow--The voice +of Augustus, in low and interrupted accents, struck upon my ear--it +thrilled through my nerves--I shuddered, involuntarily--What a moment! +My friend spoke a few words, in a faint tone. + +'My children,' she added, 'repay to this dear girl,' laying her hand +upon mine, 'the debt of kindness I owe her--she has smoothed the pillow +of death--she is an orphan--she is tender and unfortunate.' + +I ventured to remove for a moment the handkerchief from my eyes--they +met those of Augustus--he was kneeling by the bed-side--his countenance +was wan, and every feature sunk in dejection; a shivering crept through +my veins, and chilled my heart with a sensation of icy coldness--he +removed his eyes, fixing them on his dying mother. + +'My son,' she resumed, in still fainter accents, 'behold in Emma, +your sister--_your friend!_--confide in her--she is worthy of your +confidence!'--'Will you not love him, my child,'--(gazing upon +me,)--'with a sisterly affection?' + +I hid my face upon the pillow of my friend--I threw my arms around +her--'Your request is superfluous, my friend, my more than parent, _ah, +how superfluous_!' + +'Forgive me, I know the tenderness of your nature--yielding, in these +parting moments, to the predominant affection of my heart--I fear, I +have wounded that tender nature.' 'Farewell, my children! Love and +assist each other--Augustus, where is your hand?--my sight fails me--God +bless you and your little ones--_God bless you all_!--My last sigh--my +last prayer--is yours.' + +Exhausted by these efforts, she fainted--Augustus uttered a deep groan, +and raised her in his arms--but life was fled. + +At the remembrance of these scenes, even at this period, my heart is +melted within me. + +What is there of mournful magic in the emotions of virtuous sorrow, that +in retracing, in dwelling upon them, mingles with our tears a sad and +sublime rapture? Nature, that has infused so much misery into the cup of +human life, has kindly mixed this strange and mysterious ingredient to +qualify the bitter draught. + + + + +CHAPTER XV + + +After the performance of the last melancholy duties, this afflicted +family prepared to separate. I received from them, individually, +friendly offers of service, and expressions of acknowledgment, for my +tender attentions to their deceased parent. I declined, for the present, +their invitations, and profferred kindness, though uncertain how to +dispose of myself, or which way to direct my course. Augustus behaved +towards me with distant, cold, respect. I observed in his features, +under a constrained appearance of composure, marks of deep and strong +emotion. I recalled to my mind the injunctions of my deceased friend--I +yearned to pour into his bosom the balm of sympathy, but, with an aspect +bordering on severity, he repressed the expression of those ingenuous +feelings which formed my character, and shunned the confidence I so +earnestly sought. Unfortunate love had, in my subdued and softened mind, +laid the foundation of a fervent and durable friendship--But my love, my +friendship, were equally contemned! I relinquished my efforts--I shut +myself in my chamber--and, in secret, indulged my sorrows. + +The house of my deceased friend was sold, and the effects disposed of. +On the day previous to their removal, and the departure of the family +for London, I stole into the library, at the close of the evening, to +view, for _the last time_, the scene of so many delightful, so many +afflicting emotions. A mysterious and sacred enchantment is spread over +every circumstance, even every inanimate object, connected with the +affections. To those who are strangers to these delicate, yet powerful +sympathies, this may appear ridiculous--but the sensations are not the +less genuine, nor the less in nature. I will not attempt to analyse +them, it is a subject upon which the language of philosophy would +appear frigid, and on which I feel myself every moment on the verge of +fanaticism. Yet, affections like these are not so much weakness, as +strength perhaps badly exerted. Rousseau was, right, when he asserted, +that, 'Common men know nothing of violent sorrows, nor do great passions +ever break out in weak minds. Energy of sentiment is the characteristic +of a noble soul.' + +I gazed from the windows on the shrubbery, where I had so often wandered +with my friends--where I had fondly cherished so many flattering, so +many visionary, prospects. Every spot, every tree, was associated with +some past pleasure, some tender recollection. The last rays of the +setting sun, struggling from beneath a louring cloud, streamed through +its dark bosom, illumined its edges, played on the window in which I was +standing, and gilding the opposite side of the wainscot, against which +the picture of Augustus still hung, shed a soft and mellow lustre over +the features. I turned almost unconsciously, and contemplated it with a +long and deep regard. It seemed to smile benignly--it wore no traces of +the cold austerity, the gloomy and inflexible reserve, which now clouded +the aspect of the original. I called to my remembrance a thousand +interesting conversations--when + + 'Tuned to happy unison of soul, a fairer world of which the + vulgar never had a glimpse, displayed, its charms.' + +Absorbed in thought, the crimson reflection from the western clouds +gradually faded, while the deep shades of the evening, thickened by the +appearance of a gathering tempest, involved in obscurity the object on +which, without distinctly perceiving it, I still continued to gaze. + +I was roused from this reverie by the sudden opening of the door. Some +person, whom the uncertain light prevented me from distinguishing, +walked across the room, with a slow and solemn pace, and, after taking +several turns backwards and forwards, reclined on the sopha, remaining +for some time perfectly still. A tremor shook my nerves--unable either +to speak, or to move, I continued silent and trembling--my heart felt +oppressed, almost to suffocation--at length, a deep, convulsive sigh, +forced its way. + +'My God!' exclaimed the person, whose meditations I had interrupted, +'what is that?' + +It was the voice of Mr Harley, he spoke in a stern tone, though with +some degree of trepidation, and advanced hastily towards the window +against which I leaned. + +The clouds had for some hours been gathering dark and gloomy. Just as +Augustus had reached the place where I stood, a flash of lightning, +pale, yet vivid, glanced suddenly across my startled sight, and +discovered to him the object which had alarmed him. + +'Emma,' said he, in a softened accent, taking my trembling and almost +lifeless hand, 'how came you here, which way did you enter?' + +I answered not--Another flash of lightning, still brighter, blue and +sulphurous, illuminated the room, succeeded by a loud and long peal of +thunder. Again the heavens seemed to rend asunder and discover a sheet +of livid flame--a crash of thunder, sudden, loud, short, immediately +followed, bespeaking the tempest near. I started with a kind of +convulsive terror. Augustus led me from the window, and endeavoured, in +vain, to find the door of the library--the temporary flashes, and total +darkness by which they were succeeded, dazzled and confounded the sight. +I stumbled over some furniture, which stood in the middle of the room, +and unable to recover my feet, which refused any longer to sustain me, +sunk into the arms of Augustus, suffering him to lift me to the sopha. +He seated himself beside me, the storm continued; the clouds, every +moment parting with a horrible noise, discovered an abyss of fire, while +the rain descended in a deluge. We silently contemplated this sublime +and terrible scene. Augustus supported me with one arm, while my +trembling hand remained in his. The tempest soon exhausted itself by its +violence--the lightning became less fierce, gleaming at intervals--the +thunder rolled off to a distance--its protracted sound, lengthened by +the echoes, faintly died away; while the rain continued to fall in a +still, though copious, shower. + +My spirits grew calmer, I gently withdrew my hand from that of Mr +Harley. He once more enquired, but in a tone of greater reserve, how I +had entered the room without his knowledge? I explained, briefly and +frankly, my situation, and the tender motives by which I had been +influenced. + +'It was not possible,' added I, 'to take leave of this house _for ever_, +without recalling a variety of affecting and melancholy ideas--I feel, +that I have lost _my only friend_.' + +'This world,' said he, 'may not unaptly be compared to the rapids on the +American rivers--We are hurried, in a frail bark, down the stream--It is +in vain to resist its course--happy are those whose voyage is ended!' + +'My friend,' replied I in a faultering voice, 'I could teach my heart +to bear your loss--though, God knows, the lesson has been sufficiently +severe--but I know not how, with fortitude, to see you suffer.' + +'Suffering is the common lot of humanity--but, pardon me, when I say, +your conduct has not tended to lessen my vexations!' + +'My errors have been the errors of _affection_--Do they deserve this +rigor?' + +'Their source is not important, their consequences have been the +same--you make not the allowances you claim.' + +'Dear, and severe, friend!--Be not unjust--the confidence which I +sought, and merited, would have been obviated'-- + +'I know what you would alledge--that confidence, you had reason to +judge, was of a painful nature--it ought not to have been extorted.' + +'If I have been wrong, my faults have been severely expiated--if +the error has been _only mine_, surely my sufferings have been in +proportion; seduced by the fervor of my feelings; ignorant of your +situation, if I wildly sought to oblige you to chuse happiness through a +medium of my creation--yet, to have assured _yours_, was I not willing +to risque all my own? I perceive my extravagance, my views were equally +false and romantic--dare I to say--they were the ardent excesses of a +generous mind? Yes! my wildest mistakes had in them a dignified mixture +of virtue. While the institutions of society war against nature and +happiness, the mind of energy, struggling to emancipate itself, will +entangle itself in error'-- + +'Permit me to ask you,' interrupted Augustus, 'whether, absorbed in your +own sensations, you allowed yourself to remember, and to respect, the +feelings of others?' + +I could no longer restrain my tears, I wept for some moments in +silence--Augustus breathed a half-suppressed sigh, and turned from me +his face. + +'The pangs which have rent my heart,' resumed I, in low and broken +accents, 'have, I confess, been but too poignant! That lacerated +heart still bleeds--we have neither of us been guiltless--_Alas! +who is?_ Yet in my bosom, severe feelings are not more painful than +transient--already have I lost sight of your unkindness, (God knows how +little I merited it!) in stronger sympathy for your sorrows--whatever +be their nature! We have both erred--why should we not exchange mutual +forgiveness? Why should we afflict each other? Friendship, like charity, +should suffer all things and be kind!' + +'My mind,' replied he coldly, 'is differently constituted.' + +'_Unpitying man!_ It would be hard for us, if we were all to be judged +at so severe a tribunal--you have been a _lover_,' added I, in a softer +tone, 'and can you not forgive the faults of _love_?' + +He arose, visibly agitated--I also stood up--my bosom deeply wounded, +and, unknowing what I did, took his hand, and pressed it to my lips. + +'You have rudely thrown from you a heart of exquisite sensibility--you +have contemned my love, and you disdain my friendship--is it brave, is +it manly,' added I wildly--almost unconscious of what I said--forgetting +at the moment his situation and my own--'thus to triumph over a spirit, +subdued by its affections into unresisting meekness?' + +He broke from me, and precipitately quitted the room. + +I threw myself upon the floor, and, resting my head on the seat which +Augustus had so lately occupied, passed the night in cruel conflict--a +tempest more terrible than that which had recently spent its force, +shook my soul! The morning dawned, ere I had power to remove myself +from the fatal spot, where the measure of my afflictions seemed filled +up.--Virtue may conquer weakness, but who can bear to be despised +by those they love. The sun darted its beams full upon me, but its +splendour appeared mockery--hope and joy were for ever excluded from my +benighted spirit. The contempt of the world, the scoffs of ignorance, +the contumely of the proud, I could have borne without shrinking--but to +find myself rejected, contemned, scorned, by him with whom, of all +mankind, my heart claimed kindred; by him for whom my youth, my health, +my powers, were consuming in silent anguish--who, instead of pouring +balm into the wound he had inflicted, administered only corrosives!--_It +was too painful!_ I felt, that I had been a lavish prodigal--that I had +become a wretched bankrupt; that there was but _one way_ to make me +happy and _a thousand_ to make me miserable! Enfeebled and exhausted, I +crawled to my apartment, and, throwing myself on the bed, gave a loose +to the agony of my soul. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + + +Under pretence of indisposition, I refused to meet the family. I heard +them depart. Too proud to accept of obligation, I had not confided to +them my plans, if plans they could be called, where no distinct end was +in view. + +A few hours after their departure, I once more seated myself in a stage +coach, in which I had previously secured a place, and took the road to +London. I perceived, on entering the carriage, only one passenger, who +had placed himself in the opposite corner, and in whom, to my great +surprize, I immediately recognized Mr Montague. We had not met since the +visit he had paid me at Mrs Harley's, the result of which I have already +related: since that period, it had been reported in the village, that he +addressed Sarah Morton, and that they were about to be united. Montague +manifested equal surprize at our meeting: the intelligence of my +friend's death (at which he expressed real concern) had not reached him, +neither was he acquainted with my being in that part of the country. He +had not lately been at Mr Morton's, he informed me, but had just left +his father's, and was going to London to complete his medical studies. + +After these explanations, absorbed in painful contemplation, I for some +time made little other return to his repeated civilities, than by cold +monosyllables: till at length, his cordial sympathy, his gentle accents, +and humane attentions, awakened me from my reverie. Ever accessible +to the soothings of kindness, I endeavoured to exert myself, to prove +the sense I felt of his humanity. Gratified by having succeeded in +attracting my attention, he redoubled his efforts to cheer and amuse +me. My dejected and languid appearance had touched his feelings, and, +towards the end of our journey, his unaffected zeal to alleviate the +anxiety under which I evidently appeared to labour, soothed my mind and +inspired me with confidence. + +He respectfully requested to know in what part of the town I resided, +and hoped to be permitted to pay his respects to me, and to enquire +after my welfare? This question awakened in my bosom so many complicated +and painful sensations, that, after remaining silent for a few minutes, +I burst into a flood of tears. + +'I have no home;' said I, in a voice choaked with sobs--'I am an alien +in the world--and alone in the universe.' + +His eyes glistened, his countenance expressed the most lively, and +tender, commiseration, while, in a timid and respectful voice, he made +me offers of service, and entreated me to permit him to be useful to me. + +'I then mentioned, in brief, my present unprotected situation, and +hinted, that as my fortune was small, I could wish to procure a humble, +but decent, apartment in a reputable family, till I had consulted one +friend, who, I yet flattered myself, was interested in my concerns, or +till I could fix on a more eligible method of providing for myself.' + +He informed me--'That he had a distant relation in town, a decent, +careful, woman, who kept a boarding house, and whose terms were very +reasonable. He was assured, would I permit him to introduce me to her, +she would be happy, should her accommodation suit me, to pay me every +attention in her power.' + +In my forlorn situation, I confided, without hesitation, in his +recommendation, and gratefully acceded to the proposal. + +Mr Montague introduced me to this lady in the most flattering terms, she +received me with civility, but, I fancied, not without a slight mixture +of distrust. I agreed with her for a neat chamber, with a sitting room +adjoining, on the second floor, and settled for the terms of my board, +more than the whole amount of the interest of my little fortune. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + + +I took an early opportunity of addressing a few lines to Mr Francis, +informing him of my situation, and entreating his counsel. I waited a +week, impatiently, for his reply, but in vain: well acquainted with his +punctuality, and alarmed by this silence, I mentioned the step I had +taken, and my apprehensions, to Montague, who immediately repaired, +himself, to the house of Mr Francis; and, finding it shut up, was +informed by the neighbours, that Mr Francis had quitted England, a +short time before, in company with a friend, intending to make a +continental tour. + +This intelligence was a new shock to me. I called on some of my former +acquaintance, mentioning to them my wish of procuring pupils, or of +engaging in any other occupation fitted to my talents. I was received by +some with civility, by others with coldness, but every one appeared too +much engrossed by his own affairs to give himself the trouble of making +any great exertion for others. + +I returned dispirited--I walked through the crowded city, and observed +the anxious and busy faces of all around me. In the midst of my fellow +beings, occupied in various pursuits, I seemed, as if in an immense +desart, a solitary outcast from society. Active, industrious, willing +to employ my faculties in any way, by which I might procure an honest +independence, I beheld no path open to me, but that to which my spirit +could not submit--the degradation of servitude. Hapless woman!--crushed +by the iron hand of barbarous despotism, pampered into weakness, and +trained the slave of meretricious folly!--what wonder, that, shrinking +from the chill blasts of penury (which the pernicious habits of thy +education have little fitted thy tender frame to encounter) thou +listenest to the honied accents of the spoiler; and, to escape the +galling chain of servile dependence, rushest into the career of infamy, +from whence the false and cruel morality of the world forbids thy +return, and perpetuates thy disgrace and misery! When will mankind +be aware of the uniformity, of the importance, of truth? When will +they cease to confound, by sexual, by political, by theological, +distinctions, those immutable principles, which form the true basis of +virtue and happiness? The paltry expedients of combating error with +error, and prejudice with prejudice, in one invariable and melancholy +circle, have already been sufficiently tried, have already been +demonstrated futile:--they have armed man against man, and filled the +world with crimes, and with blood.--How has the benign and gentle nature +of Reform been mistated! 'One false idea,' justly says an acute and +philosophic writer,[20] 'united with others, produces such as are +necessarily false; which, combining again with all those the memory +retains, give to all a tinge of falsehood. One error, alone, is +sufficient to infect the whole mass of the mind, and produce an infinity +of capricious, monstrous, notions.--Every vice is the error of the +understanding; crimes and prejudices are brothers; truth and virtue +sisters. These things, known to the wise, are hid from fools!' + + [Footnote 20: Helvetius.] + +Without a sufficiently interesting pursuit, a fatal torpor stole over my +spirits--my blood circulated languidly through my veins. Montague, in +the intervals from business and amusement, continued to visit me. He +brought me books, read to me, chatted with me, pressed me to accompany +him to places of public entertainment, which (determined to incur no +pecuniary obligation) I invariably refused. + +I received his civilities with the less scruple, from the information +I had received of his engagement with Miss Morton; which, with his +knowledge of my unhappy attachment, I thought, precluded every idea +of a renewal of those sentiments he had formerly professed for me. + +In return for his friendship, I tried to smile, and exerted my spirits, +to prove my grateful sensibility of his kindness: but, while he appeared +to take a lively interest in my sorrows, he carefully avoided a +repetition of the language in which he had once addressed me; yet, at +times, his tender concern seemed sliding into a sentiment still softer, +which obliged me to practise more reserve: he was not insensible of +this, and was frequently betrayed into transient bursts of passion and +resentment, which, on my repelling with firmness, he would struggle to +repress, and afterwards absent himself for a time. + +Unable to devise any method of increasing my income, and experiencing +the pressure of some daily wants and inconveniencies, I determined, at +length, on selling the sum invested, in my name, in the funds, and +purchasing a life annuity. + +Recollecting the name of a banker, with whom my uncle, the friend of my +infancy, had formerly kept cash, I learned his residence, and, waiting +upon him, made myself known as the niece of an old and worthy friend; +at the same time acquainting him with my intentions.--He offered to +transact the affair for me immediately, the funds being, then, in a +very favourable position; and to preserve the money in his hands till +an opportunity should offer of laying it out to advantage. I gave him +proper credentials for the accomplishing of this business, and returned +to my apartment with a heart somewhat lightened. This scheme had +never before occurred to me. The banker, who was a man of commercial +reputation, had assured me, that my fortune might now be sold out with +little loss; and that, by purchasing an annuity, on proper security, at +seven or eight per cent, I might, with oeconomy, be enabled to support +myself decently, with comfort and independence. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + +Some weeks elapsed, and I heard no more from my banker. A slight +indisposition confined me to the house. One evening, Mr Montague, coming +to my apartment to enquire after my health, brought with him a newspaper +(as was his frequent custom), and, finding me unwell, and dispirited, +began to read some parts from it aloud, in the hope of amusing me. Among +the articles of home intelligence, a paragraph stated--'The failure of +a considerable mercantile house, which had created an alarm upon the +Exchange, as, it was apprehended, some important consequences would +follow in the commercial world. A great banking-house, it was hinted, +not many miles from ----, was likely to be affected, by some rumours, in +connection with this business, which had occasioned a considerable run +upon it for the last two or three days.' + +My attention was roused--I eagerly held out my hand for the paper, and +perused this alarming paragraph again and again, without observing the +surprize expressed in the countenance of Montague, who was at a loss to +conceive why this intelligence should be affecting to me.--I sat, for some +minutes, involved in thought, till a question from my companion, several +times repeated, occasioned me to start. I immediately recollected myself, +and tried to reason away my fears, as vague and groundless. I was about +to explain the nature of them to my friend--secretly accusing myself for +not having done so sooner, and availed myself of his advice, when a +servant, entering, put a letter into his hand. + +Looking upon the seal and superscription, he changed colour, and opened +it hastily. Strong emotion was painted in his features while he perused +it. I regarded him with anxiety. He rose from his seat, walked up and +down the room with a disordered pace--opened the door, as if with an +intention of going out--shut it--returned back again--threw himself +into a chair--covered his face with his handkerchief--appeared in great +agitation--and burst into tears. I arose, went to him, and took his +hand--'_My friend!_' said I--I would have added something more--but, +unable to proceed, I sunk into a seat beside him, and wept in sympathy. +He pressed my hand to his lips--folded me wildly in his arms, and +attempted to speak--but his voice was lost in convulsive sobs. I gently +withdrew myself, and waited, in silence, till the violence of his +emotions should subside. He held out to me the letter he had received. I +perused it. It contained an account of the sudden death of his father, +and a summons for his immediate return to the country, to settle the +affairs, and to take upon him his father's professional employment. + +'You leave me, then!' said I--'I lose my only remaining friend!' + +'_Never!_'--he replied, emphatically. + +I blushed for having uttered so improper, so selfish, a remark; +and endeavoured to atone for it by forgetting the perils of my own +situation, in attention to that of this ardent, but affectionate, young +man.--His sufferings were acute and violent for some days, during which +he quitted me only at the hours of repose--I devoted myself to sooth and +console him. I felt, that I had been greatly indebted to his friendship +and kindness, and I endeavoured to repay the obligation. He appeared +fully sensible of my cares, and, mingled with his acknowledgments +expressions of a tenderness, so lively, and unequivocal, as obliged me, +once more, to be more guarded in my behaviour. + +In consideration for the situation of Mr Montague--I had forgotten +the paragraph in the paper, till an accidental intelligence of the +bankruptcy of the house, in which my little fortune was entrusted, +confirmed to me the certainty of this terrible blow. Montague was +sitting with me when I received the unwelcome news. + +'Gracious God!' I exclaimed, clasping my hands, and raising my eyes to +heaven--'What is to become of me now?--The measure of my sorrows is +filled up!' + +It was some time before I had power to explain the circumstances to my +companion. + +'Do not distress yourself, my lovely Emma,' said he; 'I will be your +friend--your guardian--' (and he added, in a low, yet fervent, accent) +--'_your husband_!' + +'No--no--no!' answered I, shaking my head, 'that must not, cannot, be! +I would perish, rather than take advantage of a generosity like yours. I +will go to service--I will work for my bread--and, if I cannot procure +a wretched sustenance--_I can but die_! Life, to me, has long been +worthless!' + +My countenance, my voice, my manner, but too forcibly expressed the +keen anguish of my soul. I seemed to be marked out for the victim of a +merciless destiny--_for the child of sorrow_! The susceptible temper of +Montague, softened by his own affliction, was moved by my distress. He +repeated, and enforced, his proposal, with all the ardour of a youthful, +a warm, an uncorrupted, mind. + +'You add to my distress,' replied I. 'I have not a heart to bestow--I +lavished mine upon one, who scorned and contemned it. Its sensibility is +now exhausted. Shall I reward a faithful and generous tenderness, like +yours, with a cold, a worthless, an alienated, mind? No, no!--Seek an +object more worthy of you, and leave me to my fate.' + +At that moment, I had forgotten the report of his engagement with +Miss Morton; but, on his persisting, vehemently, to urge his suit, I +recollected, and immediately mentioned, it, to him. He confessed-- + +'That, stung by my rejection, and preference of Mr Harley, he had, at +one period, entertained a thought of that nature; but that he had fallen +out with the family, in adjusting the settlements. Mrs Morton had +persuaded her husband to make, what he conceived to be, ungenerous +requisitions. Miss Morton had discovered much artifice, but little +sensibility, on the occasion. Disgusted with the apathy of the father, +the insolence of the mother and the low cunning of the daughter, he had +abruptly quitted them, and broken off all intercourse with the family.' + +It is not necessary to enlarge on this part of my narrative. Suffice it +to say, that, after a long contest, my desolate situation, added to the +persevering affection of this enthusiastic young man, prevailed over my +objections. His happiness, he told me, entirely depended on my decision. +I would not deceive him:--I related to him, with simplicity and truth, +all the circumstances of my past conduct towards Mr Harley. He listened +to me with evident emotion--interrupted me, at times, with execrations; +and, once or twice, vowing vengeance on Augustus, appeared on the verge +of outrage. But I at length reasoned him into greater moderation, and +obliged him to do justice to the merit and honour of Mr Harley. He +acquiesced reluctantly, and with an ill grace, yet, with a lover-like +partiality, attributed his conduct to causes, of which I had discerned +no traces. He assured himself that the affections of a heart, tender as +mine, would be secured by kindness and assiduity--and I at last yielded +to his importunity. We were united in a short time, and I accompanied my +husband to the town of ----, in the county of ----, the residence of his +late father. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + + +Mr Montague presented me to his relations and friends, by whom I was +received with a flattering distinction. My wearied spirits began now +to find repose. My husband was much occupied in the duties of his +profession. We had a respectable circle of acquaintance: In the +intervals of social engagement, and domestic employment, ever thirsting +after knowledge, I occasionally applied myself to the study of physic, +anatomy, and surgery, with the various branches of science connected +with them; by which means I frequently rendered myself essentially +serviceable to my friend; and, by exercising my understanding and +humanity, strengthened my mind, and stilled the importunate suggestions +of a heart too exquisitely sensible. + +The manners of Mr Montague were kind and affectionate, though subject, +at times, to inequalities and starts of passion; he confided in me, +as his best and truest friend--and I deserved his confidence:--yet, I +frequently observed the restlessness and impetuosity of his disposition +with apprehension. + +I felt for my husband a rational esteem, and a grateful affection:--but +those romantic, high-wrought, frenzied, emotions, that had rent my heart +during its first attachment--that enthusiasm, that fanaticism, to which +opposition had given force, the bare recollection of which still shook +my soul with anguish, no longer existed. Montague was but too sensible +of this difference, which naturally resulted from the change of +circumstances, and was unreasonable enough to complain of what secured +our tranquillity. If a cloud, sometimes, hung over my brow--if I +relapsed, for a short period, into a too habitual melancholy, he would +grow captious, and complain. + +'You esteem me, Emma: I confide in your principles, and I glory in your +friendship--but, you have never _loved_ me!' + +'Why will you be so unjust, both to me, and to yourself?' + +'Tell me, then, sincerely--I know you will not deceive me--Have you ever +felt for me those sentiments with which Augustus Harley inspired you?' + +'Certainly not--I do not pretend to it--neither ought you to wish it. +My first attachment was the morbid excess of a distempered imagination. +Liberty, reason, virtue, usefulness, were the offerings I carried to +its shrine. It preyed incessantly upon my heart, I drank up its vital +spirit, it became a vice from its excess--it was a pernicious, though a +sublime, enthusiasm--its ravages are scarcely to be remembered without +shuddering--all the strength, the dignity, the powers, of my mind, melted +before it! Do you wish again to see me the slave of my passions--do you +regret, that I am restored to reason? To you I owe every thing--life, +and its comforts, rational enjoyments, and the opportunity of usefulness. +I feel for you all the affection that a reasonable and a virtuous mind +ought to feel--that affection which is compatible with the fulfilling +of other duties. We are guilty of vice and selfishness when we yield +ourselves up to unbounded desires, and suffer our hearts to be wholly +absorbed by one object, however meritorious that object may be.' + +'Ah! how calmly you reason,--while I listen to you I cannot help loving +and admiring you, but I must ever hate that accursed Harley--No! _I am +not satisfied_--and I sometimes regret that I ever beheld you.' + +Many months glided away with but little interruptions to our +tranquillity.--A remembrance of the past would at times obtrude itself, +like the broken recollections of a feverish vision. To banish these +painful retrospections, I hastened to employ myself; every hour was +devoted to active usefulness, or to social and rational recreation. + +I became a mother; in performing the duties of a nurse, my affections +were awakened to new and sweet emotions.--The father of my child +appeared more respectable in my eyes, became more dear to me: the +engaging smiles of my little Emma repayed me for every pain and every +anxiety. While I beheld my husband caress his infant, I tasted a pure, a +chaste, an ineffable pleasure. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + + +About six weeks after my recovery from childbed, some affairs of +importance called Mr Montague to London. Three days after he had quitted +me, as, bending over the cradle of my babe, I contemplated in silence +its tranquil slumbers, I was alarmed by an uncommon confusion in the +lower part of the house. Hastening down stairs, to enquire into the +cause, I was informed--that a gentleman, in passing through the town, +had been thrown from his horse, that he was taken up senseless, and, as +was customary in cases of accident, had been brought into our house, +that he might receive assistance. + +Mr Montague was from home, a young gentleman who resided with us, and +assisted my husband in his profession, was also absent, visiting a +patient. Having myself acquired some knowledge of surgery, I went +immediately into the hall to give the necessary directions on the +occasion. The gentleman was lying on the floor, without any signs of +life. I desired the people to withdraw, who, crowding round with +sincere, but useless sympathy, obstructed the circulation of air. +Approaching the unfortunate man, I instantly recognised the well-known +features, though much altered, wan and sunk, of _Augustus Harley_. +Staggering a few paces backward--a death-like sickness overspread my +heart--a crowd of confused and terrible emotions rushed through my +mind.--But a momentary reflection recalled my scattered thoughts. Once +before, I had saved from death an object so fatal to my repose. I +exerted all my powers, his hair was clotted, and his face disfigured +with blood; I ordered the servants to raise and carry him to an +adjoining apartment, wherein was a large, low sopha, on which they laid +him. Carefully washing the blood from the wound, I found he had received +a dangerous contusion in his head, but that the scull, as I had at first +apprehended, was not fractured. I cut the hair from the wounded part, +and applied a proper bandage. I did more--no other assistance being at +hand, I ventured to open a vein: the blood presently flowed freely, and +he began to revive. I bathed his temples, and sprinkled the room with +vinegar, opened the windows to let the air pass freely through, raised +his head with the pillows of the sopha, and sprinkled his face and +breast with cold water. I held his hand in mine--I felt the languid and +wavering pulse quicken--I fixed my eyes upon his face--at that moment +every thing else was forgotten, and my nerves seemed firmly braced by my +exertions. + +He at length opened his eyes, gazed upon me with a vacant look, and +vainly attempted, for some time, to speak. At last, he uttered a few +incoherent words, but I perceived his senses were wandering, and I +conjectured, too truly, that his brain had received a concussion. He +made an effort to rise, but sunk down again. + +'Where am I,' said he, 'every object appears to me double.' + +He shut his eyes, and remained silent. I mixed for him a cordial and +composing medicine, and entreating him to take it, he once more raised +himself, and looked up.--Our eyes met, his were wild and unsettled. + +'That voice,'--said he, in a low tone, 'that countenance--Oh God! where +am I?' + +A strong, but transient, emotion passed over his features. With a +trembling hand he seized and swallowed the medicine I had offered, and +again relapsed into a kind of lethargic stupor. I then gave orders for a +bed to be prepared, into which I had him conveyed. I darkened the room, +and desired, that he might be kept perfectly quiet. + +I retired to my apartment, my confinement was yet but recent, and I had +not perfectly recovered my strength. Exhausted by the strong efforts I +had made, and the stronger agitation of my mind, I sunk into a fainting +fit, (to which I was by no means subject) and remained for some time +in a state of perfect insensibility. On my recovery, I learnt that Mr +Lucas, the assistant of my husband, had returned, and was in the chamber +of the stranger; I sent for him on his quitting the apartment, and +eagerly interrogated him respecting the state of the patient. He shook +his head--I related to him the methods I had taken, and enquired whether +I had erred? He smiled-- + +'You are an excellent surgeon,' said he, 'you acted very properly, but,' +observing my pallid looks, 'I wish your little nursery may not suffer +from your humanity'-- + +'I lay no claim,' replied I with emotion--'to extraordinary humanity--I +would have done the same for the poorest of my fellow creatures--but +this gentleman is an old acquaintance, _a friend_, whom, in the early +periods of my life, I greatly respected.' + +'I am sorry for it, for I dare not conceal from you, that I think him in +a dangerous condition.' + +I changed countenance--'There is no fracture, no bones are broken.'-- + +'No, but the brain has received an alarming concussion--he is also, +otherwise, much bruised, and, I fear, has suffered some internal +injury.' + +'You distress and terrify me,' said I, gasping for breath--'What is to +be done--shall we call in further advice?' + +'I think so; in the mean time, if you are acquainted with his friends, +you would do well to apprize them of what has happened.' + +'I know little of them, I know not where to address them--Oh! save him,' +continued I, clasping my hands with encreased emotion, unconscious of +what I did, 'for God's sake save him, if you would preserve me from +dis--' + +A look penetrating and curious from Lucas, recalled me to reason. +Commending his patient to my care, he quitted me, and rode to the next +town to procure the aid of a skilful and experienced Physician. I walked +up and down the room for some time in a state of distraction. + +'He will die'--exclaimed I--'die in my house--fatal accident! Oh, +Augustus! _too tenderly beloved_, thou wert fated to be the ruin of my +peace! But, whatever may be the consequences, I will perform, for thee, +the last tender offices.--I will not desert my duty!' + +The nurse brought to me my infant, it smiled in my face--I pressed it to +my bosom--I wept over it.--How could I, from that agitated bosom, give +it a pernicious sustenance? + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + + +In the evening, I repaired to the chamber of Mr Harley, I sat by his +bed-side, I gazed mournfully on his flushed, but vacant countenance--I +took his hand--it was dry and burning--the pulse beat rapidly, but +irregularly, beneath my trembling fingers. His lips moved, he seemed to +speak, though inarticulately--but sometimes raising his voice, I could +distinguish a few incoherent sentences. In casting my eyes round the +room, I observed the scattered articles of his dress, his cloaths were +black, and in his hat, which lay on the ground, I discovered a crape +hatband. I continued to hold his burning hand in mine. + +'She died,'--said he--'and my unkindness killed her--unhappy Emma--thy +heart was too tender!'--I shuddered--'No, no,'--continued he, after a +few minutes pause, 'she is not married--she dared not give her hand +without her heart, _and that heart was only mine_!' he added something +more, in a lower tone, which I was unable to distinguish. + +Overcome by a variety of sensations, I sunk into a chair, and, throwing +my handkerchief over my face, indulged my tears. + +Sometimes he mentioned his wife, sometimes his mother.--At length, +speaking rapidly, in a raised voice--'My son,'--said he, 'thou hast no +mother--but Emma will be a mother to thee--she will love thee--_she +loved thy father_--her heart was the residence of gentle +affections--yet, I pierced that heart!' + +I suspected, that a confused recollection of having seen me on +recovering from the state of insensibility, in which he had been +brought, after the accident, into our house, had probably recalled the +associations formerly connected with this idea. The scene became too +affecting: I rushed from the apartment. All the past impressions seemed +to revive in my mind--my thoughts, with fatal mechanism, ran back into +their old and accustomed channels.--For a moment, conjugal, maternal, +duties, every consideration _but for one object_ faded from before me! + +In a few hours, Mr Lucas returned with the physician;--I attended +them to the chamber, heedfully watching their looks. The fever still +continued very high, accompanied with a labouring, unsteady pulse, a +difficult respiration, and strong palpitations of the heart. The doctor +said little, but I discovered his apprehensions in his countenance. The +patient appeared particularly restless and uneasy, and the delirium +still continued. On quitting the apartment, I earnestly conjured the +gentlemen to tell me their opinion of the case. They both expressed an +apprehension of internal injury. + +'But a short time,' they added, 'would determine it; in the mean while +he must be kept perfectly still.' + +I turned from them, and walked to the window--I raised my eyes to +heaven--I breathed an involuntary ejaculation--I felt that the crisis +of my fate was approaching, and I endeavoured to steel my nerves--to +prepare my mind for the arduous duties which awaited me. + +Mr Lucas approached me, the physician having quitted the room. '_Mrs +Montague_,' said he, in an emphatic tone--'in your sympathy for a +_stranger_, do not forget other relations.' + +'I do not need, sir, to be reminded by you of my duties; were not the +sufferings of a fellow being a sufficient claim upon our humanity, this +gentleman has _more affecting claims_--I am neither a stranger to him, +nor to his virtues.' + +'So I perceive, madam,' said he, with an air a little sarcastic, 'I +wish, Mr Montague were here to participate your cares.' + +'I wish he were, sir, his generous nature would not disallow them.' I +spoke haughtily, and abruptly left him. + +I took a turn in the garden, endeavouring to compose my spirits, and, +after visiting the nursery, returned to the chamber of Mr Harley. I +there found Mr Lucas, and in a steady tone, declared my intention of +watching his patient through the night. + +'As you please, madam,' said he coldly. + +I seated myself in an easy chair, reclining my head on my hand. The bed +curtains were undrawn on the side next me. Augustus frequently started, +as from broken slumbers; his respiration grew, every moment, more +difficult and laborious, and, sometimes, he groaned heavily, as if in +great pain. Once he suddenly raised himself in the bed, and, gazing +wildly round the room, exclaimed in a distinct, but hurried tone-- + +'Why dost thou persecute me with thy ill-fated tenderness? A fathomless +gulf separates us!--Emma!' added he, in a plaintive voice, '_dost thou, +indeed, still love me?_' and, heaving a convulsive sigh, sunk again on +his pillow. + +Mr Lucas, who stood at the feet of the bed, turned his eye on me. I +met his glance with the steady aspect of conscious rectitude. About +midnight, our patient grew worse, and, after strong agonies, was seized +with a vomiting of blood. The fears of the physician were but too well +verified, he had again ruptured the blood-vessel, once before broken. + +Mr Lucas had but just retired, I ordered him to be instantly recalled, +and, stifling every feeling, that might incapacitate me for active +exertion, I rendered him all the assistance in my power--I neither +trembled, nor shed a tear--I banished the _woman_ from my heart--I +acquitted myself with a firmness that would not have disgraced the most +experienced, and veteran surgeon. My services were materially useful, +my solicitude vanquished every shrinking sensibility, _affection had +converted me into a heroine_! The hæmorrhage continued, at intervals, +all the next day: I passed once or twice from the chamber to the +nursery, and immediately returned. We called in a consultation, but +little hope was afforded. + +The next night, Mr Lucas and myself continued to watch--towards morning +our exhausted patient sunk into an apparently tranquil slumber. Mr Lucas +intreated me to retire, and take some repose, on my refusal, he availed +himself of the opportunity, and went to his apartment, desiring to be +called if any change should take place. The nurse slept soundly in her +chair, I alone remained watching--I felt neither fatigue nor languor--my +strength seemed preserved as by a miracle, so omnipotent is the +operation of moral causes! + +Silence reigned throughout the house; I hung over the object of my +tender cares--his features were serene--but his cheeks and lips were +pale and bloodless. From time to time I took his lifeless hand--a low, +fluttering, pulse, sometimes seeming to stop, and then to vibrate with a +tremulous motion, but too plainly justified my fears--his breath, though +less laborious, was quick and short--a cold dew hung upon his temples--I +gently wiped them with my handkerchief, and pressed my lips to his +forehead. Yet, at that moment, that solemn moment--while I beheld the +object of my virgin affections--whom I had loved with a tenderness, +'passing the love of woman'--expiring before my eyes--I forgot not that +I was a wife and a mother.--The purity of my feelings sanctified their +enthusiasm! + +The day had far advanced, though the house still remained quiet, when +Augustus, after a deep drawn sigh, opened his eyes. The loss of blood +had calmed the delirium, and though he regarded me attentively, and with +evident surprize, the wildness of his eyes and countenance had given +place to their accustomed steady expression. He spoke in a faint voice. + +'Where am I, how came I here?' + +I drew nearer to him--'An unfortunate accident has thrown you into the +care of kind friends--you have been very ill--it is not proper that you +should exert yourself--rely on those to whom your safety is precious.' + +He looked at me as I spoke--his eyes glistened--he breathed a half +smothered sigh, but attempted not to reply. He continued to doze at +intervals throughout the day, but evidently grew weaker every hour--I +quitted him not for a moment, even my nursery was forgotten. I sat, or +knelt, at the bed's head, and, between his short and broken slumbers, +administered cordial medicines. He seemed to take them with pleasure +from my hand, and a mournful tenderness at times beamed in his eyes. I +neither spake nor wept--my strength appeared equal to every trial. + +In the evening, starting from a troubled sleep, he fell into +convulsions--I kept my station--our efforts were successful--he again +revived. I supported the pillows on which his head reclined, sprinkled +the bed cloaths, and bathed his temples, with hungary water, while I +wiped from them the damps of death. A few tears at length forced their +way, they fell upon his hand, which rested on the pillow--he kissed them +off, and raised to mine his languid eyes, in which death was already +painted. + +The blood forsaking the extremities, rushed wildly to my heart, a strong +palpitation seized it, my fortitude had well nigh forsaken me. But I +had been habituated to subdue my feelings, and should I suffer them +to disturb the last moments of him, _who had taught me this painful +lesson_? He made a sign for a cordial, an attendant offering one--he +waved his hand and turned from her his face--I took it--held it to +his lips, and he instantly drank it. Another strong emotion shook my +nerves--once more I struggled and gained the victory. He spoke in feeble +and interrupted periods--kneeling down, scarce daring to breathe, I +listened. + +'I have a son,' said he,--'I am dying--he will have no longer a +parent--transfer to him a portion of--' + +'I comprehend you--say no more--_he is mine_--I adopt him--where shall I +find--?' + +He pointed to his cloaths;--'a pocket book'--said he, in accents still +fainter. + +'Enough!--I swear, in this awful moment, never to forsake him.' + +He raised my hand to his lips--a tender smile illumined his countenance +--'Surely,' said he, 'I have sufficiently fulfilled the dictates of +a rigid honour!--In these last moments--when every earthly tie is +dissolving--when human institutions fade before my sight--I may, +without a crime, tell you--_that I have loved you_.--Your tenderness +early penetrated my heart--aware of its weakness--I sought to shun +you--I imposed on myself those severe laws of which you causelessly +complained.--Had my conduct been less rigid, I had been lost--I had been +unjust to the bonds which I had voluntarily contracted; and which, +therefore, had on me indispensible claims. I acted from good motives, +but no doubt, was guilty of some errors--yet, my conflicts were, +even, more cruel than yours--I had not only to contend against my own +sensibility, but against yours also.--The fire which is pent up burns +the fiercest!'-- + +He ceased to speak--a transient glow, which had lighted up his +countenance, faded--exhausted, by the strong effort he had made, he sunk +back--his eyes grew dim--they closed--_their last light beamed on +me_!--I caught him in my arms--and--_he awoke no more_. The spirits, +that had hitherto supported me, suddenly subsided. I uttered a piercing +shriek, and sunk upon the body. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + +Many weeks passed of which I have no remembrance, they were a blank in +my life--a long life of sorrow! When restored to recollection, I found +myself in my own chamber, my husband attending me. It was a long time +before I could clearly retrace the images of the past. I learned-- + +'That I had been seized with a nervous fever, in consequence of having +exerted myself beyond my strength; that my head had been disordered; +that Mr Montague on his return, finding me in this situation, of which +Mr Lucas had explained the causes, had been absorbed in deep affliction; +that, inattentive to every other concern, he had scarcely quitted my +apartment; that my child had been sent out to nurse; and that my +recovery had been despaired of.' + +My constitution was impaired by these repeated shocks. I continued +several months in a low and debilitated state.--With returning reason, +I recalled to my remembrance the charge which Augustus had consigned to +me in his last moments. I enquired earnestly for the pocket-book he had +mentioned, and was informed, that, after his decease, it had been found, +and its contents examined, which were a bank note of fifty pounds, some +letters, and memorandums. Among the letters was one from his brother, +by which means they had learned his address, and had been enabled to +transmit to him an account of the melancholy catastrophe, and to request +his orders respecting the disposal of the body. On the receipt of this +intelligence, the younger Mr Harley had come immediately into ----shire, +had received his brother's effects, and had his remains decently and +respectfully interred in the town where the fatal accident had taken +place, through which he was passing in his way to visit a friend. + +As soon as I had strength to hold a pen, I wrote to this gentleman, +mentioning the tender office which had been consigned to me; and +requesting that the child, or children, of Mr Augustus Harley, might be +consigned to my care. To this letter I received an answer, in a few +days, hinting-- + +'That the marriage of my deceased friend had not been more imprudent +than unfortunate; that he had struggled with great difficulties and many +sorrows; that his wife had been dead near a twelve-month; that he had +lost two of his children, about the same period, with the small-pox, one +only surviving, the younger, a son, a year and a half old; that it was, +at present, at nurse, under his (his brother's) protection; that his +respect for me, and knowledge of my friendship for their family, added +to his wish of complying with every request of his deceased brother, +prevented him from hesitating a moment respecting the propriety of +yielding the child to my care; that it should be delivered to any person +whom I should commission for the purpose; and that I might draw upon him +for the necessary charges towards the support and education of his +nephew.' + +I mentioned to Mr Montague these particulars, with a desire of availing +myself of his counsel and assistance on the occasion. + +'You are free, madam,' he replied, with a cold and distant air, 'to act +as you shall think proper; but you must excuse me from making myself +responsible in this affair.' + +I sighed deeply. I perceived, but too plainly, that _a mortal blow was +given to my tranquillity_; but I determined to persevere in what I +considered to be my duty. On the retrospect of my conduct, my heart +acquitted me; and I endeavoured to submit, without repining, to my fate. + +I was, at this period, informed by a faithful servant, who attended me +during my illness, of what I had before but too truly conjectured--That +in my delirium I had incessantly called upon the name of Augustus Harley, +and repeated, at intervals, in broken language, the circumstances of our +last tender and fatal interview: this, with some particulars related +by Mr Lucas to Mr Montague on his return, had, it seems, at the time, +inflamed the irascible passions of my husband, almost to madness. His +transports had subsided, by degrees, into gloomy reserve: he had watched +me, till my recovery, with unremitting attention; since which his +confidence and affection became, every day, more visibly alienated. +Self-respect suppressed my complaints--conscious of deserving, even more +than ever, his esteem, I bore his caprice with patience, trusting that +time, and my conduct, would restore him to reason, and awaken in his +heart a sense of justice. + +I sent for my babe from the house of the nurse, to whose care it had +been confided during my illness, and placed the little Augustus in its +stead. 'It is unnecessary, my friend, to say, that you were that lovely +and interesting child.--Oh! with what emotion did I receive, and press, +you to my care-worn bosom; retracing in your smiling countenance the +features of your unfortunate father! Adopting you for my own, I divided +my affection between you and my Emma. Scarce a day passed that I did +not visit the cottage of your nurse. I taught you to call me by the +endearing name of _mother_! I delighted to see you caress my infant with +fraternal tenderness--I endeavoured to cherish this growing affection, +and found a sweet relief from my sorrows in these tender, maternal, +cares.' + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + + +My health being considerably injured, I had taken a young woman into my +house, to assist me in the nursery, and in other domestic offices. She +was in her eighteenth year--simple, modest, and innocent. This girl had +resided with me for some months. I had been kind to her, and she +seemed attached to me. One morning, going suddenly into Mr Montague's +dressing-room, I surprised Rachel sitting on a sopha with her master:--he +held her hand in his, while his arm was thrown round her waist; and they +appeared to be engaged in earnest conversation. They both started, on my +entrance:--Unwilling to encrease their confusion, I quitted the room. + +Montague, on our meeting at dinner, affected an air of unconcern; but +there was an apparent constraint in his behaviour. I preserved towards +him my accustomed manner, till the servants had withdrawn. I then mildly +expostulated with him on the impropriety of his behaviour. His replies +were not more unkind than ungenerous--they pierced my heart. + +'It is well, sir, I am inured to suffering; but it is not of _myself_ +that I would speak. I have not deserved to lose your confidence--this +is my consolation;--yet, I submit to it:--but I cannot see you act in a +manner, that will probably involve you in vexation, and intail upon you +remorse, without warning you of your danger. Should you corrupt the +innocence of this girl, she is emphatically _ruined_. It is the strong +mind only, that, firmly resting on its own powers, can sustain and +recover itself amidst the world's scorn and injustice. The morality of +an uncultivated understanding, is that of _custom_, not of reason: break +down the feeble barrier, and there is nothing to supply its place--you +open the flood-gates of infamy and wretchedness. Who can say where the +evil may stop?' + +'You are at liberty to discharge your servant, when you please, madam.' + +'I think it my duty to do so, Mr Montague--not on my own, but on _her_, +account. If I have no claim upon your affection and principles, I would +disdain to watch your conduct. But I feel myself attached to this young +woman, and would wish to preserve her from destruction!' + +'You are very generous, but as you thought fit to bestow on me your +_hand_, when your _heart_ was devoted to another--' + +'It is enough, sir!--To your justice, only, in your cooler moments, +would I appeal!' + +I procured for Rachel a reputable place, in a distant part of the +county.--Before she quitted me, I seriously, and affectionately, +remonstrated with her on the consequences of her behaviour. She answered +me only with tears and blushes. + +In vain I tried to rectify the principles, and subdue the cruel +prejudices, of my husband. I endeavoured to shew him every mark of +affection and confidence. I frequently expostulated with him, upon +his conduct, with tears--urged him to respect himself and me--strove +to convince him of the false principles upon which he acted--of the +senseless and barbarous manner in which he was sacrificing my peace, and +his own, to a romantic chimera. Sometimes he would appear, for a moment, +melted with my tender and fervent entreaties. + +'Would to God!' he would say, with emotion, 'the last six months of my +life could be obliterated for ever from my remembrance!' + +He was no longer active, and chearful: he would sit, for hours, involved +in deep and gloomy silence. When I brought the little Emma, to soften, +by her engaging caresses, the anxieties by which his spirits appeared +to be overwhelmed, he would gaze wildly upon her--snatch her to his +breast--and then, suddenly throwing her from him, rush out of the house; +and, inattentive to the duties of his profession, absent himself for +days and nights together:--his temper grew, every hour, more furious and +unequal. + +He by accident, one evening, met the little Augustus, as his nurse was +carrying him from my apartment; and, breaking rudely into the room, +overwhelmed me with a torrent of abuse and reproaches. I submitted +to his injustice with silent grief--my spirits were utterly broken. +At times, he would seem to be sensible of the impropriety of his +conduct--would execrate himself and entreat my forgiveness;--but +quickly relapsed into his accustomed paroxysms, which, from having +been indulged, were now become habitual, and uncontroulable. These +agitations seemed daily to encrease--all my efforts to regain his +confidence--my patient, unremitted, attentions--were fruitless. He +shunned me--he appeared, even, to regard me with horror. I wept in +silence. The hours which I passed with my children afforded me my only +consolation--they became painfully dear to me. Attending to their little +sports, and innocent gambols, I forgot, for a moment, my griefs. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + + +Some months thus passed away, with little variation in my situation. +Returning home one morning, early, from the nurse's, where I had left my +Emma with Augustus (whom I never, now, permitted to be brought to my own +house) as I entered, Mr Montague shot suddenly by me, and rushed up +stairs towards his apartment. I saw him but transiently, as he passed; +but his haggard countenance, and furious gestures, filled me with +dismay. He had been from home the preceding night; but to these absences +I had lately been too much accustomed to regard them as any thing +extraordinary. I hesitated a few moments, whether I should follow him. +I feared, lest I might exasperate him by so doing; yet, the unusual +disorder of his appearance gave me a thousand terrible and nameless +apprehensions. I crept toward the door of his apartment--listened +attentively, and heard him walking up and down the room, with hasty +steps--sometimes he appeared to stop, and groaned heavily:--once I +heard him throw up the sash, and shut it again with violence. + +I attempted to open the door, but, finding it locked, my terror +increased.--I knocked gently, but could not attract his attention. At +length I recollected another door, that led to this apartment, through +my own chamber, which was fastened on the outside, and seldom opened. +With trembling steps I hurried round, and, on entering the room, +beheld him sitting at a table, a pen in his hand, and paper before +him. On the table lay his pistols--his hair was dishevelled--his +dress disordered--his features distorted with emotion--while in his +countenance was painted the extreme of horror and despair. + +I uttered a faint shriek, and sunk into a chair. He started from his +seat, and, advancing towards me with hurried and tremulous steps, +sternly demanded, Why I intruded on his retirement? I threw myself +at his feet,--I folded my arms round him--I wept--I deprecated his +anger--I entreated to be heard--I said all that humanity, all that the +most tender and lively sympathy could suggest, to inspire him with +confidence--to induce him to relieve, by communication, the burthen +which oppressed his heart.--He struggled to free himself from me--my +apprehensions gave me strength--I held him with a strenuous grasp--he +raved--he stamped--he tore his hair--his passion became frenzy! At +length, forcibly bursting from him, I fell on the floor, and the blood +gushed from my nose and lips. He shuddered convulsively--stood a few +moments, as if irresolute--and, then, throwing himself beside me, raised +me from the ground; and, clasping me to his heart, which throbbed +tumultuously, burst into a flood of tears. + +'I will not be thy _murderer_, Emma!' said he, in a voice of agony, +interrupted by heart-rending sobs--'I have had enough of blood!' + +I tried to sooth him--I assured him I was not hurt--I besought him to +confide his sorrows to the faithful bosom of his wife! He appeared +softened--his tears flowed without controul. + +'Unhappy woman!--you know not what you ask! To be ingenuous, belongs +to purity like yours!--Guilt, black as hell!--conscious, aggravated, +damnable, guilt!--_Your fatal attachment_--my accursed jealousy!--Ah! +Emma! I have injured you--but you are, indeed, revenged!' + +Every feature seemed to work--seemed pregnant with dreadful meaning--he +was relapsing into frenzy. + +'Be calm, my friend--be not unjust to yourself--you can have committed +no injury that I shall not willingly forgive--you are incapable of +persisting in guilt. The ingenuous mind, that avows, has already made +half the reparation. Suffer me to learn the source of your inquietude! I +may find much to extenuate--I may be able to convince you, that you are +too severe to yourself.' + +'Never, never, never!--nothing can extenuate--_the expiation must be +made_!--Excellent, admirable, woman!--Remember, without hating, the +wretch who has been unworthy of you--who could not conceive, who knew +not how to estimate, your virtues!--Oh!--do not--do not'--straining me +to his bosom--'curse my memory!' + +He started from the ground, and, in a moment, was out of sight. + +I raised myself with difficulty--faint, tottering, gasping for breath, I +attempted to descend the stairs. I had scarcely reached the landing-place, +when a violent knocking at the door shook my whole frame. I stood still, +clinging to the balustrade, unable to proceed. I heard a chaise draw +up--a servant opening the door--a plain-looking countryman alighted, and +desired instantly to speak to the lady of the house--his business was, +he said, of life and death! I advanced towards him, pale and trembling! + +'What is the matter, my friend--whence came you?' + +'I cannot stop, lady, to explain myself--you must come with me--I will +tell you more as we go along.' + +'Do you come,' enquired I, in a voice scarcely articulate, 'from my +husband?' + +'No--no--I come from a person who is dying, who has somewhat of +consequence to impart to you--Hasten, lady--there is no time to lose!' + +'Lead, then, I follow you.' + +He helped me into the chaise, and we drove off with the rapidity of +lightning. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + + +I asked no more questions on the road, but attempted to fortify my mind +for the scenes which, I foreboded, were approaching. After about an +hour's ride, we stopped at a small, neat, cottage, embosomed in trees, +standing alone, at a considerable distance from the high-road. A +decent-looking, elderly, woman, came to the door, at the sound of the +carriage, and assisted me to alight. In her countenance were evident +marks of perturbation and horror. I asked for a glass of water; and, +having drank it, followed the woman, at her request, up stairs. She +seemed inclined to talk, but I gave her no encouragement--I knew not +what awaited me, nor what exertions might be requisite--I determined not +to exhaust my spirits unnecessarily. + +On entering a small chamber, I observed a bed, with the curtains closely +drawn. I advanced towards it, and, unfolding them, beheld the unhappy +Rachel lying in a state of apparent insensibility. + +'She is dying,' whispered the woman, 'she has been in strong +convulsions; but she could not die in peace without seeing Madam +Montague, and obtaining her forgiveness.' + +I approached the unfortunate girl, and took her lifeless hand.--A +feeble pulse still trembled--I gazed upon her, for some moments, in +silence.--She heaved a deep sigh--her lips moved, inarticulately. She, +at length, opened her eyes, and, fixing them upon me, the blood seemed +to rush through her languid frame--reanimating it. She sprung up in the +bed, and, clasping her hands together, uttered a few incoherent words. + +'Be pacified, my dear--I am not angry with you--I feel only pity.' + +She looked wildly. 'Ah! my dear lady, I am a wicked girl--but not--Oh, +no!--_not a murderer!_ I did not--indeed, I did not--murder my child!' + +A cold tremor seized me--I turned heart-sick--a sensation of horror +thrilled through my veins! + +'My dear, my kind mistress,' resumed the wretched girl, 'can you forgive +me?--Oh! that cruel, barbarous, man!--It was _he_ who did it--indeed, it +was _he_ who did it!' Distraction glared in her eyes. + +'I do forgive you,' said I, in broken accents. 'I will take care of +you--but you must be calm.' + +'I will--I will'--replied she, in a rapid tone of voice--'but do not +send me to prison--_I did not murder it!_--Oh! my child, my child!' +continued she, in a screaming tone of frantic violence, and was again +seized with strong convulsions. + +We administered all the assistance in our power. I endeavoured, with +success, to stifle my emotions in the active duties of humanity. Rachel +once more revived. After earnestly commending her to the care of the +good woman of the house, and promising to send medicines and nourishment +proper for her situation, and to reward their attentions--desiring +that she might be kept perfectly still, and not be suffered to talk on +subjects that agitated her--I quitted the place, presaging but too much, +and not having, at that time, the courage to make further enquiries. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + + +On entering my own house my heart misgave me. I enquired, with +trepidation, for my husband, and was informed--'That he had returned +soon after my departure, and had shut himself in his apartment; that, on +being followed by Mr Lucas, he had turned fiercely upon him, commanding +him, in an imperious tone, instantly to leave him; adding, he had affairs +of importance to transact; and should any one dare to intrude on him, +it would be at the peril of their lives.' All the family appeared in +consternation, but no one had presumed to disobey the orders of their +master.--They expressed their satisfaction at my return--Alas! I was +impotent to relieve the apprehensions which, I too plainly perceived, +had taken possession of their minds. + +I retired to my chamber, and, with a trembling hand, traced, and +addressed to my husband, a few incoherent lines--briefly hinting my +suspicions respecting the late transactions--exhorting him to provide +for his safety, and offering to be the companion of his flight. I +added--'Let us reap wisdom from these tragical consequences of _indulged +passion_! It is not to atone for the past error, by cutting off the +prospect of future usefulness--Repentance for what can never be +recalled, is absurd and vain, but as it affords a lesson for the time +to come--do not let us wilfully forfeit the fruits of our dear-bought +experience! I will never reproach you! Virtuous resolution, and time, +may yet heal these aggravated wounds. Dear Montague, be no longer +the slave of error; inflict not on my tortured mind new, and more +insupportable, terrors! I await your directions--let us fly--let us +summon our fortitude--let us, at length, bravely stem the tide of +passion--let us beware of the criminal pusillanimity of despair!' + +With faultering steps, I sought the apartment of my husband. I listened +a moment at the door--and hearing him in motion, while profound sighs +burst every instant from his bosom, I slid my paper under the door, +unfolded, that it might be the more likely to attract his attention. +Presently, I had the satisfaction of hearing him take it up. After some +minutes, a slip of paper was returned, by the same method which I had +adopted, in which was written, in characters blotted, and scarcely +legible, the following words-- + +'Leave me, one half hour, to my reflections: at the end of that period, +be assured, I will see, or write, to you.' + +I knew him to be incapable of falsehood--my heart palpitated with hope. +I went to my chamber, and passed the interval in a thousand cruel +reflections, and vague plans for our sudden departure. Near an hour +had elapsed, when the bell rang. I started, breathless, from my seat. +A servant passed my door, to take his master's orders. He returned +instantly, and, meeting me in the passage, delivered to me a letter. +I heard Montague again lock the door.--Disappointed, I re-entered my +chamber. In my haste to get at the contents of the paper, I almost tore +it in pieces--the words swam before my sight. I held it for some moments +in my hand, incapable of decyphering the fatal characters. I breathed +with difficulty--all the powers of life seemed suspended--when the +report of a pistol roused me to a sense of confused horror.--Rushing +forward, I burst, with preternatural strength, into the apartment of my +husband--What a spectacle!--Assistance was vain!--Montague--the impetuous, +ill-fated, Montague--_was no more--was a mangled corpse_!--Rash, +unfortunate, young, man! + +But, why should I harrow up your susceptible mind, by dwelling on +these cruel scenes? _Ah! suffer me to spread a veil over this fearful +catastrophe!_ Some time elapsed ere I had fortitude to examine the paper +addressed to me by my unfortunate husband. Its contents, which were as +follows, affected me with deep and mingled emotions. + + + TO MRS MONTAGUE. + + 'Amidst the reflections which press, by turns, upon my + burning brain, an obscure consciousness of the prejudices + upon which my character has been formed, is not the least + torturing--because I feel the _inveterate force of habit_--I + feel, that my convictions come too late! + + 'I have destroyed myself, and you, dearest, most generous, + and most unfortunate, of women! I am a monster!--I have + seduced innocence, and embrued my hands in blood!--Oh, + God!--Oh, God!--_'Tis there distraction lies!_--I would, + circumstantially, retrace my errors; but my disordered mind, + and quivering hand, refuse the cruel task--yet, it is + necessary that I should attempt a brief sketch. + + 'After the cruel accident, which destroyed our tranquillity, + I nourished my senseless jealousies (the sources of + which I need not, now, recapitulate), till I persuaded + myself--injurious wretch that I was!--that I had been + perfidiously and ungenerously treated. Stung by false pride, + I tried to harden my heart, and foolishly thirsted for + revenge. Your meekness, and magnanimity, disappointed me.--I + would willingly have seen you, not only suffer the PANGS, + but express the _rage_, of a slighted wife. The simple + victim of my baseness, by the artless affection she + expressed for me, gained an ascendency over my mind; and, + when you removed her from your house, we still contrived, at + times, to meet. The consequences of our intercourse could + not long be concealed. It was, then, that I first began + to open my eyes on my conduct, and to be seized with + remorse!--Rachel, now, wept incessantly. Her father, she + told me, was a stern and severe man; and should he hear of + her misconduct, would, she was certain, be her destruction. + I procured for her an obscure retreat, to which I removed + the unhappy girl [Oh, how degrading is vice!], under false + pretences. I exhorted her to conceal her situation--to + pretend, that her health was in a declining state--and I + visited her, from time to time, as in my profession. + + 'This poor young creature continued to bewail the disgrace + she anticipated--her lamentations pierced my soul! I + recalled to my remembrance your emphatic caution. I foresaw + that, with the loss of her character, this simple girl's + misfortune and degradation would be irretrievable; and I + could, now, plainly distinguish the morality of _rule_ from + that of _principle_. Pursuing this train of reasoning, I + entangled myself, for my views were not yet sufficiently + clear and comprehensible! Bewildered, amidst contending + principles--distracted by a variety of emotions--in seeking + a remedy for one vice, I plunged (as is but too common), + into others of a more scarlet dye. With shame and horror, I + confess, I repeatedly tried, by medical drugs, to procure + an abortive birth: the strength and vigour of Rachel's + constitution defeated this diabolical purpose. Foiled in + these attempts, I became hardened, desperate, and + barbarous! + + 'Six weeks before the allotted period, the infant saw the + light--for a moment--to close its eyes on it for ever! + I, only, was with the unhappy mother. I had formed no + deliberate purpose--I had not yet arrived at the acme of + guilt--but, perceiving, from the babe's premature birth, and + the consequences of the pernicious potions which had been + administered to the mother, that the vital flame played + but feebly--that life was but as a quivering, uncertain, + spark--a sudden and terrible thought darted through my mind. + I know not whether my emotion betrayed me to the ear of + Rachel--but, suddenly throwing back the curtain of the bed, + she beheld me grasp--with savage ferocity--_with murderous + hands_!--Springing from the bed, and throwing herself upon + me--her piercing shrieks-- + + '_I can no more_--of the rest you seem, from whatever means, + but too well informed! + + I need not say--protect, if she survive, the miserable + mother!--To you, whose heavenly goodness I have so ill + requited, it would be injurious as unnecessary! I read, too + late, the heart I have insulted! + + 'I have settled the disposal of my effects--I have commanded + my feelings to give you this last, sad, proof of my + confidence.--_Kneeling_, I entreat your forgiveness for the + sufferings I have caused you! I found your heart wounded--and + into those festering wounds I infused a deadly venom--curse + not my memory--_We meet no more_. + + 'Farewel! first, and last, and only, beloved of women!--a + long--a long farewel! + 'MONTAGUE.' + + +These are the consequences of confused systems of morals--and thus it +is, that minds of the highest hope, and fairest prospect, are blasted! + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + + +The unhappy Rachel recovered her health by slow degrees. I had +determined, when my affairs were settled, to leave a spot, that had been +the scene of so many tragical events. I proposed to the poor girl to +take her again into my family, to which she acceded with rapture. She +has never since quitted me, and her faithful services, and humble, +grateful attachment, have repaid my protection an hundred fold. + +Mr Montague left ten thousand pounds, the half of which was settled on +his daughter, the remainder left to my disposal. This determined me to +adopt you wholly for my son. I wrote to your uncle to that purport, +taking upon myself the entire charge of your education, and entreating, +that you might never know, unless informed by myself, to whom you +owed your birth. That you should continue to think me _your mother_, +flattered my tenderness, nor was my Emma, herself, more dear to me. + +I retired in a few months to my present residence, sharing my heart and +my attentions between my children, who grew up under my fostering care, +lovely and beloved. + + 'While every day, soft as it roll'd along, + Shew'd some new charm.' + +I observed your affection for each other with a flattering presage. +With the features of your father, you inherited his intrepidity, and +manly virtues--even, at times, I thought I perceived the seeds of his +inflexible spirit; but the caresses of my Emma, more fortunate than her +mother--yet, with all her mother's sensibility--could, in an instant, +soften you to tenderness, and melt you into infantine sweetness. + +I endeavoured to form your young minds to every active virtue, to every +generous sentiment.--You received, from the same masters, the same +lessons, till you attained your twelfth year; and my Emma emulated, and +sometimes outstripped your progress. I observed, with a mixture of hope +and solicitude, her lively capacity--her enthusiastic affections; while +I laboured to moderate and regulate them. + +It now became necessary that your educations should take a somewhat +different direction; I wished to fit you for a commercial line of life; +but the ardor you discovered for science and literature occasioned me +some perplexity, as I feared it might unfit you for application to +trade, in the pursuit of which so many talents are swallowed up, and +powers wasted. Yet, as to the professions my objections were still more +serious.--The study of law, is the study of chicanery.--The church, the +school of hypocrisy and usurpation! You could only enter the universities +by a moral degradation, that must check the freedom, and contaminate the +purity, of the mind, and, entangling it in an inexplicable maze of error +and contradiction, _poison virtue at its source_, and lay the foundation +for a duplicity of character and a perversion of reason, destructive +of every manly principle of integrity. For the science of physic you +expressed a disinclination. A neighbouring gentleman, a surveyor, a man +high in his profession, and of liberal manners, to whose friendship +I was indebted, offered to take you. You were delighted with this +proposal, (to which I had no particular objection) as you had a taste +for drawing and architecture. + +Our separation, though you were to reside in the same town, cost us many +tears--I loved you with more than a mother's fondness--and my Emma clung +round the neck of her beloved brother, her Augustus, her playfellow, and +sobbed on his bosom. It was with difficulty that you could disentangle +yourself from our embraces. Every moment of leisure you flew to us--my +Emma learned from you to draw plans, and to study the laws of proportion. +Every little exuberance in your disposition, which, generated by a noble +pride, sometimes wore the features of asperity, was soothed into peace +by her gentleness and affection: while she delighted to emulate your +fortitude, and to rise superior to the feebleness fostered in her sex, +under the specious name of delicacy. Your mutual attachment encreased +with your years, I renewed my existence in my children, and anticipated +their more perfect union. + +Ah! my son, need I proceed? Must I continually blot the page with the +tale of sorrow? Can I tear open again, can I cause to bleed afresh, in +your heart and my own, wounds scarcely closed? In her fourteenth year, +in the spring of life, your Emma and mine, lovely and fragile blossom, +was blighted by a killing frost--After a few days illness, she drooped, +faded, languished, and died! + +It was now that I felt--'That no agonies were like the agonies of a +mother.' My broken spirits, from these repeated sorrows, sunk into +habitual, hopeless, dejection. Prospects, that I had meditated with +ineffable delight, were for ever veiled in darkness. Every earthly tie +was broken, except that which bound you to my desolated heart with a +still stronger cord of affection. You wept, in my arms, the loss of her +whom you, yet, fondly believed your sister.--I cherished the illusion +lest, by dissolving it, I should weaken your confidence in my maternal +love, weaken that tenderness which was now my only consolation. + + + TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY. + + My Augustus, _my more than son_, around whom my spirit, + longing for dissolution, still continues to flutter! I have + unfolded the errors of my past life--I have traced them to + their source--I have laid bare my mind before you, that the + experiments which have been made upon it may be beneficial + to yours! It has been a painful, and a humiliating + recital--the retrospection has been marked with anguish. As + the enthusiasm--as the passions of my youth--have passed in + review before me, long forgotten emotions have been revived + in my lacerated heart--it has been again torn with _the + pangs of contemned love_--the disappointment of rational + plans of usefulness--the dissolution of the darling hopes of + maternal pride and fondness. The frost of a premature age + sheds its snows upon my temples, the ravages of a sickly + mind shake my tottering frame. The morning dawns, the + evening closes upon me, the seasons revolve, without hope; + the sun shines, the spring returns, but, to me, it is + mockery. + + And is this all of human life--this, that passes like a tale + that is told? Alas! it is a tragical tale! Friendship was + the star, whose cheering influence I courted to beam upon my + benighted course. The social affections were necessary to my + existence, but they have been only inlets to sorrow--_yet, + still, I bind them to my heart_! + + Hitherto there seems to have been something strangely wrong + in the constitutions of society--a lurking poison that + spreads its contagion far and wide--a canker at the root + of private virtue and private happiness--a principle of + deception, that sanctifies error--a Circean cup that lulls + into a fatal intoxication. But men begin to think and + reason; reformation dawns, though the advance is tardy. + Moral martyrdom may possibly be the fate of those who + press forward, yet, their generous efforts will not be + lost.--Posterity will plant the olive and the laurel, and + consecrate their mingled branches to the memory of such, + who, daring to trace, to their springs, errors the most + hoary, and prejudices the most venerated, emancipate the + human mind from the trammels of superstition, and teach it, + _that its true dignity and virtue, consist in being free_. + + Ere I sink into the grave, let me behold the _son of my + affections_, the living image of him, whose destiny involved + mine, who gave an early, but a mortal blow, to all my + worldly expectations--let me behold my Augustus, escaped + from the tyranny of the passions, restored to reason, to + the vigor of his mind, to self controul, to the dignity of + active, intrepid virtue! + + The dawn of my life glowed with the promise of a fair and + bright day; before its noon, thick clouds gathered; its + mid-day was gloomy and tempestuous.--It remains with thee, + my friend, to gild with a mild radiance the closing evening; + before the scene shuts, and veils the prospect in + impenetrable darkness. + + + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE + + +Punctuation, hyphenation and period spellings have been retained even +where not consistent. The latter includes the name Anne, which also +occurs without the final e. + +The changes listed below have been made to the text (corrected version +follows original): + + + but in this investigatation we must be patient + but in this investigation we must be patient + + Arisides the just, + Aristides the just + + knowledge and learning, are unsufferably masculine in a women + knowledge and learning, are unsufferably masculine in a woman + + Why do we suffer ourselve to be confined + Why do we suffer ourselves to be confined + + gratified by his covnersation + gratified by his conversation + + at his repeated requst + at his repeated request + + the degrading and melancholy intelligence, with fills my soul + the degrading and melancholy intelligence, which fills my soul + + the acitivity of a curious and vigorous mind + the activity of a curious and vigorous mind + + a temporary reflief + a temporary relief + + Would she, inded, accept of my society, + Would she, indeed, accept of my society, + + qutting it early in the morning + quitting it early in the morning + + any suddent agitation of spirits + any sudden agitation of spirits + + the distinction yo have shewn me + the distinction you have shewn me + + so sincere, so artless, as mind + so sincere, so artless, as mine + + such an attempt would be impertiment; + such an attempt would be impertinent; + + their heads were never led astray by thir hearts. + their heads were never led astray by their hearts. + + though peace and enjoymment should be for ever fled + though peace and enjoyment should be for ever fled + + attended wtih advantages + attended with advantages + + Persevervance, with little ability, has effected wonders; + Perseverance, with little ability, has effected wonders; + + wtih the various branches of science + with the various branches of science + + you have been very will + you have been very ill + + the fruits of our dear-bought exerience + the fruits of our dear-bought experience + + I would willing have seen you + I would willingly have seen you + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Memoirs of Emma Courtney, by Mary Hays + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41256 *** |