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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41256 ***
+
+  MEMOIRS OF
+  EMMA COURTNEY
+
+
+  MARY HAYS
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+  Preface xvii
+
+  Volume I           1
+
+  Chapter I          6
+  Chapter II         8
+  Chapter III       11
+  Chapter IV        14
+  Chapter V         16
+  Chapter VI        18
+  Chapter VII       20
+  Chapter VIII      24
+  Chapter IX        26
+  Chapter X         28
+  Chapter XI        31
+  Chapter XII       33
+  Chapter XIII      37
+  Chapter XIV       41
+  Chapter XV        46
+  Chapter XVI       52
+  Chapter XVII      55
+  Chapter XVIII     59
+  Chapter XIX       62
+  Chapter XX        65
+  Chapter XXI       68
+  Chapter XXII      71
+  Chapter XXIII     73
+  Chapter XXIV      76
+  Chapter XXV       79
+  Chapter XXVI      84
+  Chapter XXVII     88
+  Chapter XXVIII    92
+
+
+  Volume II         95
+
+  Chapter I         98
+  Chapter II       102
+  Chapter III      105
+  Chapter IV       109
+  Chapter V        112
+  Chapter VI       118
+  Chapter VII      121
+  Chapter VIII     129
+  Chapter IX       133
+  Chapter X        137
+  Chapter XI       141
+  Chapter XII      144
+  Chapter XIII     151
+  Chapter XIV      154
+  Chapter XV       157
+  Chapter XVI      162
+  Chapter XVII     164
+  Chapter XVIII    167
+  Chapter XIX      171
+  Chapter XX       173
+  Chapter XXI      176
+  Chapter XXII     181
+  Chapter XXIII    184
+  Chapter XXIV     187
+  Chapter XXV      190
+  Chapter XXVI     192
+  Chapter XXVII    196
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+The most interesting, and the most useful, fictions, are, perhaps, such,
+as delineating the progress, and tracing the consequences, of one
+strong, indulged, passion, or prejudice, afford materials, by which the
+philosopher may calculate the powers of the human mind, and learn the
+springs which set it in motion--'Understanding, and talents,' says
+Helvetius, 'being nothing more, in men, than the produce of their
+desires, and particular situations.' Of the passion of terror Mrs
+Radcliffe has made admirable use in her ingenious romances.--In the
+novel of Caleb Williams, curiosity in the hero, and the love of
+reputation in the soul-moving character of Falkland, fostered into
+ruling passions, are drawn with a masterly hand.
+
+For the subject of these Memoirs, a more universal sentiment is chosen--a
+sentiment hackneyed in this species of composition, consequently more
+difficult to treat with any degree of originality;--yet, to accomplish
+this, has been the aim of the author; with what success, the public
+will, probably, determine.
+
+Every writer who advances principles, whether true or false, that have a
+tendency to set the mind in motion, does good. Innumerable mistakes have
+been made, both moral and philosophical:--while covered with a sacred and
+mysterious veil, how are they to be detected? From various combinations
+and multiplied experiments, truth, only, can result. Free thinking, and
+free speaking, are the virtue and the characteristics of a rational
+being:--there can be no argument which mitigates against them in
+one instance, but what equally mitigates against them in all; every
+principle must be doubted, before it will be examined and proved.
+
+It has commonly been the business of fiction to pourtray characters, not
+as they really exist, but, as, we are told, they ought to be--a sort of
+_ideal perfection_, in which nature and passion are melted away, and
+jarring attributes wonderfully combined.
+
+In delineating the character of Emma Courtney, I had not in view these
+fantastic models: I meant to represent her, as a human being, loving
+virtue while enslaved by passion, liable to the mistakes and weaknesses
+of our fragile nature.--Let those readers, who feel inclined to judge
+with severity the extravagance and eccentricity of her conduct, look
+into their own hearts; and should they there find no record, traced by
+an accusing spirit, to soften the asperity of their censures--yet, let
+them bear in mind, that the errors of my heroine were the offspring
+of sensibility; and that the result of her hazardous experiment is
+calculated to operate as a _warning_, rather than as an example.--The
+philosopher--who is not ignorant, that light and shade are more
+powerfully contrasted in minds rising above the common level; that,
+as rank weeks take strong root in a fertile soil, vigorous powers not
+unfrequently produce fatal mistakes and pernicious exertions; that
+character is the produce of a lively and constant affection--may,
+possibly, discover in these Memoirs traces of reflection, and of
+some attention to the phænomena of the human mind.
+
+Whether the incidents, or the characters, are copied from life, is of
+little importance--The only question is, if the _circumstances_, and
+situations, are altogether improbable? If not--whether the consequences
+_might_ not have followed from the circumstances?--This is a grand
+question, applicable to all the purposes of education, morals, and
+legislation--_and on this I rest my moral_--'Do men gather figs of
+thorns, or grapes of thistles?' asked a moralist and a reformer.
+
+Every _possible_ incident, in works of this nature, might, perhaps, be
+rendered _probable_, were a sufficient regard paid to the more minute,
+delicate, and connecting links of the chain. Under this impression, I
+chose, as the least arduous, a simple story--and, even in that, the
+fear of repetition, of prolixity, added, it may be, to a portion of
+indolence, made me, in some parts, neglectful of this rule:--yet, in
+tracing the character of my heroine from her birth, I had it in view.
+For the conduct of my hero, I consider myself less responsible--it was
+not _his_ memoirs that I professed to write.
+
+I am not sanguine respecting the success of this little publication. It
+is truly observed, by the writer of a late popular novel[1]--'That an
+author, whether good or bad, or between both, is an animal whom every
+body is privileged to attack; for, though all are not able to write
+books, all conceive themselves able to judge them. A bad composition
+carries with it its own punishment--contempt and ridicule:--a good one
+excites envy, and (frequently) entails upon its author a thousand
+mortifications.'
+
+      [Footnote 21: The Monk.]
+
+To the feeling and the thinking few, this production of an active
+mind, in a season of impression, rather than of leisure, is presented.
+
+
+
+
+_Memoirs of Emma Courtney_
+
+
+VOLUME 1
+
+
+
+
+TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY
+
+
+Rash young man!--why do you tear from my heart the affecting narrative,
+which I had hoped no cruel necessity would ever have forced me to
+review?--Why do you oblige me to recall the bitterness of my past life,
+and to renew images, the remembrance of which, even at this distant
+period, harrows up my soul with inconceivable misery?--But your happiness
+is at stake, and every selfish consideration vanishes.--Dear and sacred
+deposit of an adored and lost friend!--for whose sake I have consented
+to hold down, with struggling, suffocating reluctance, the loathed
+and bitter portion of existence;--shall I expose your ardent mind to
+the incessant conflict between truth and error--shall I practise the
+disingenuousness, by which my peace has been blasted--shall I suffer
+you to run the wild career of passion--shall I keep back the recital,
+written upon my own mind in characters of blood, which may preserve the
+child of my affections from destruction?
+
+Ah! why have you deceived me?--Has a six months' absence obliterated from
+your remembrance the precept I so earnestly and incessantly laboured to
+inculcate--the value and importance of unequivocal sincerity? A precept,
+which I now take shame to myself for not having more implicitly observed!
+Had I supposed your affection for Joanna more than a boyish partiality;
+had I not believed that a few months' absence would entirely erase it
+from your remembrance; had I not been assured that her heart was devoted
+to another object, a circumstance of which she had herself frankly
+informed you; I should not now have distrusted your fortitude, when
+obliged to wound your feelings with the intelligence--that the woman,
+whom you have so wildly persecuted, was, yesterday, united to another.
+
+
+
+
+TO THE SAME
+
+I resume my pen. Your letter, which Joanna a few days since put into my
+hands, has cost me--Ah! my Augustus, my friend, my son--what has it not
+cost me, and what impressions has it not renewed? I perceive the vigour
+of your mind with terror and exultation. But you are mistaken! Were it
+not for the insuperable barrier that separates you, for ever, from your
+hopes, perseverance itself, however active, however incessant, may fail
+in attaining its object. Your ardent reasoning, my interesting and
+philosophic young friend, though not unconsequential, is a finely
+proportioned structure, resting on an airy foundation. The science of
+morals is not incapable of demonstration, but we want a more extensive
+knowledge of particular facts, on which, in any given circumstance,
+firmly to establish our data.--Yet, be not discouraged; exercise your
+understanding, think freely, investigate every opinion, disdain the rust
+of antiquity, raise systems, invent hypotheses, and, by the absurdities
+they involve, seize on the clue of truth. Rouse the nobler energies of
+your mind; be not the slave of your passions, neither dream of eradicating
+them. Sensation generates interest, interest passion, passion forces
+attention, attention supplies the powers, and affords the means of
+attaining its end: in proportion to the degree of interest, will be that
+of attention and power. Thus are talents produced. Every man is born
+with sensation, with the aptitude of receiving impressions; the force of
+those impressions depends on a thousand circumstances, over which he
+has little power; these circumstances form the mind, and determine the
+future character. We are all the creatures of education; but in that
+education, what we call chance, or accident, has so great a share, that
+the wisest preceptor, after all his cares, has reason to tremble: one
+strong affection, one ardent incitement, will turn, in an instant, the
+whole current of our thoughts, and introduce a new train of ideas and
+associations.
+
+You may perceive that I admit the general truths of your reasoning;
+but I would warn you to be careful in their particular application; a
+long train of patient and laborious experiments must precede our
+deductions and conclusions. The science of mind is not less demonstrative,
+and far more important, than the science of Newton; but we must proceed
+on similar principles. The term _metaphysics_ has been, perhaps, justly
+defined--the first _principles of arts and sciences_.[2] Every discovery
+of genius, resulting from a fortunate combination of circumstances, may
+be resolved into simple facts; but in this investigation we must be
+patient, attentive, indefatigable; we must be content to arrive at truth
+through many painful mistakes and consequent sufferings.--Such appears
+to be the constitution of man!
+
+      [Footnote 2: Helvetius.]
+
+To shorten and meliorate your way, I have determined to sacrifice every
+inferior consideration. I have studied your character: I perceive, with
+joy, that its errors are the ardent excesses of a generous mind. I loved
+your father with a fatal and unutterable tenderness: time has softened
+the remembrance of his faults.--Our noblest qualities, without incessant
+watchfulness, are liable insensibly to shade into vices--but his virtues
+and _misfortunes_, in which my own were so intimately blended, are
+indelibly engraven on my heart.
+
+A mystery has hitherto hung over your birth. The victim of my own ardent
+passions, and the errors of one whose memory will ever be dear to me, I
+prepare to withdraw the veil--a veil, spread by an importunate, but, I
+fear, a mistaken tenderness. Learn, then, from the incidents of my life,
+entangled with those of his to whom you owe your existence, a more
+striking and affecting lesson than abstract philosophy can ever afford.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+
+The events of my life have been few, and have in them nothing very
+uncommon, but the effects which they have produced on my mind; yet, that
+mind they have helped to form, and this in the eye of philosophy, or
+affection, may render them not wholly uninteresting. While I trace them,
+they convince me of the irresistible power of circumstances, modifying
+and controuling our characters, and introducing, mechanically, those
+associations and habits which make us what we are; for without outward
+impressions we should be nothing.
+
+I know not how far to go back, nor where to begin; for in many cases,
+it may be in all, a foundation is laid for the operations of our minds,
+years--nay, ages--previous to our birth. I wish to be brief, yet to omit
+no one connecting link in the chain of causes, however minute, that I
+conceive had any important consequences in the formation of my mind, or
+that may, probably, be useful to your's.
+
+My father was a man of some talents, and of a superior rank in life, but
+dissipated, extravagant, and profligate. My mother, the daughter of a
+rich trader, and the sole heiress of his fortunes, allured by the
+specious address and fashionable manners of my father, sacrificed to
+empty shew the prospect of rational and dignified happiness. My father
+courted her hand to make himself master of her ample possessions:
+dazzled by vanity, and misled by self-love, she married him;--found,
+when too late, her error; bitterly repented, and died in child bed the
+twelfth month of her marriage, after having given birth to a daughter,
+and commended it, with her dying breath, to the care of a sister (the
+daughter of her mother by a former marriage), an amiable, sensible, and
+worthy woman, who had, a few days before, lost a lovely and promising
+infant at the breast, and received the little Emma as a gift from
+heaven, to supply its place.
+
+My father, plunged in expence and debauchery, was little moved by these
+domestic distresses. He held the infant a moment in his arms, kissed it,
+and willingly consigned it to the guardianship of its maternal aunt.
+
+It will here be necessary to give a sketch of the character, situation,
+and family, of this excellent woman; each of which had an important
+share in forming the mind of her charge to those dispositions, and
+feelings, which irresistibly led to the subsequent events.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+
+Mr and Mrs Melmoth, my uncle and aunt, married young, purely from
+motives of affection. Mr Melmoth had an active, ardent mind, great
+benevolence of heart, a sweet and chearful temper, and a liberal manner
+of thinking, though with few advantages of education: he possessed,
+also, a sanguine disposition, a warm heart, a generous spirit, and an
+integrity which was never called in question. Mrs Melmoth's frame
+was delicate and fragile; she had great sensibility, quickness of
+perception, some anxiety of temper, and a refined and romantic manner
+of thinking, acquired from the perusal of the old romances, a large
+quantity of which, belonging to a relation, had, in the early periods of
+her youth, been accidentally deposited in a spare room in her father's
+house. These qualities were mingled with a devotional spirit, a little
+bordering on fanatacism. My uncle did not exactly resemble an Orlando,
+or an Oroondates, but he was fond of reading; and having the command of
+a ship in the West India trade, had, during his voyages in fine weather,
+time to indulge in this propensity; by which means he was a tolerable
+proficient in the belles lettres, and could, on occasion, quote
+Shakespeare, scribble poetry, and even philosophize with Pope and
+Bolingbroke.
+
+Mr Melmoth was one-and-twenty, his bride nineteen, when they were
+united. They possessed little property; but the one was enterprizing and
+industrious, the other careful and oeconomical; and both, with hearts
+glowing with affection for each other, saw cheering hope and fairy
+prospects dancing before their eyes. Every thing succeeded beyond their
+most sanguine expectations. My uncle's cheerful and social temper, with
+the fairness and liberality of his dealings, conciliated the favour of
+the merchants. His understanding was superior, and his manners more
+courteous, than the generality of persons in his line of life: his
+company was eagerly courted, and no vessel stood a chance of being
+freighted till his had its full cargo.
+
+His voyages were not long, and frequent absences and meetings kept alive
+between him and my aunt, the hopes, the fears, the anxieties, and the
+transports of love. Their family soon increased, but this was a new
+source of joy to Mr Melmoth's affectionate heart. A walk or a ride in
+the country, with his wife and little ones, he accounted his highest
+relaxation:--on these occasions he gave himself up to a sweet and lively
+pleasure; would clasp them alternately to his breast, and with eyes
+overflowing with tears of delight, repeat Thomson's charming description
+of the joys of virtuous love--
+
+  'Where nothing strikes the eye but sights of bliss,
+   All various nature pressing on the heart!'
+
+This was the first picture that struck my young imagination, for I was,
+in all respects, considered as the adopted child of the family.
+
+This prosperity received little other interruption than from my uncle's
+frequent absences, and the pains and cares of my aunt in bringing into
+the world, and nursing, a family of children. Mr Melmoth's successful
+voyages, at rather earlier than forty years of age, enabled him to leave
+the sea, and to carry on an extensive mercantile employment in the
+metropolis.--At this period his health began to be injured by the
+progress of a threatening internal disorder; but it had little effect
+either on his spirits or activity. His business every day became wider,
+and his attention to it was unremitted, methodical, and indefatigable.
+His hours of relaxation were devoted to his family and social enjoyment;
+at these times he never suffered the cares of the counting-house to
+intrude;--he was the life of every company, and the soul of every
+pleasure.
+
+He at length assumed a more expensive style of living; took a house in
+the country (for the charms of which he had ever a peculiar taste) as
+a summer residence; set up an equipage, increased the number of his
+servants, and kept an open and hospitable, though not a luxurious,
+table.
+
+The hours fled on downy pinions; his wife rested on him, his children
+caught sunshine from his smiles; his domestics adored him, and his
+acquaintance vied with each other in paying him respect. His life,
+he frequently repeated, had been a series of unbroken success. His
+religion, for he laid no stress on forms, was a sentiment of grateful
+and fervent love.--'_God is love_,' he would say, 'and the affectionate,
+benevolent heart is his temple.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+
+It will now be necessary, for the development of my own particular
+character, again to revert to earlier periods.--A few days before my
+birth, my aunt had lost (as already related) a lovely female infant,
+about four months old, and she received me, from the hands of my dying
+mother, as a substitute.--From these tender and affecting circumstances
+I was nursed and attended with peculiar care. My uncle's ship (it being
+war time) was then waiting for a convoy at Portsmouth, where he was
+joined by his wife: she carried me with her, and, tenderly watchful over
+my safety, took me on all their little excursions, whether by sea or
+land: I hung at her breast, or rested in her arms, and her husband, or
+attendant, alternately relieved her.--Plump, smiling, placid, happy, I
+never disturbed her rest, and the little Emma was the darling of her
+kind guardians, and the plaything of the company.
+
+At the age at which it was thought necessary to wean me, I was sent
+from my tender nurse for that purpose, and consigned to the care of a
+stranger, with whom I quickly pined myself into a jaundice and bilious
+fever. My aunt dare not visit me during this short separation, she was
+unable to bear my piercing cries of anguish at her departure. If a
+momentary sensation, at that infantine period, deserve the appellation,
+I might call this my first affectionate sorrow. I have frequently
+thought that the tenderness of this worthy woman generated in my infant
+disposition that susceptibility, that lively propensity to attachment,
+to which I have through life been a martyr. On my return to my friends,
+I quickly regained my health and spirits; was active, blythsome, ran,
+bounded, sported, romped; always light, gay, alert, and full of glee.
+At church, (whither on Sunday I was accustomed to accompany the family)
+I offended all the pious ladies in our vicinity by my gamesome tricks,
+and avoided the reprimands of my indulgent guardians by the drollery and
+good humour which accompanied them.
+
+When myself and my little cousins had wearied ourselves with play, their
+mother, to keep us quiet in an evening, while her husband wrote letters in
+an adjoining apartment, was accustomed to relate (for our entertainment)
+stories from the Arabian Nights, Turkish Tales, and other works of
+like marvellous import. She recited them circumstantially, and these I
+listened to with ever new delight: the more they excited vivid emotions,
+the more wonderful they were, the greater was my transport: they became
+my favourite amusement, and produced, in my young mind, a strong desire
+of learning to read the books which contained such enchanting stores of
+entertainment.
+
+Thus stimulated, I learned to read quickly, and with facility. My uncle
+took pleasure in assisting me; and, with parental partiality, thought
+he discovered, in the ardour and promptitude with which I received his
+instructions, the dawn of future talents. At six years old I read aloud
+before company, with great applause, my uncle's favourite authors, Pope's
+Homer, and Thomson's Seasons, little comprehending either. Emulation was
+roused, and vanity fostered: I learned to recite verses, to modulate my
+tones of voice, and began to think myself a wonderful scholar.
+
+Thus, in peace and gaiety, glided the days of my childhood. Caressed
+by my aunt, flattered by her husband, I grew vain and self-willed; my
+desires were impetuous, and brooked no delay; my affections were warm,
+and my temper irascible; but it was the glow of a moment, instantly
+subsiding on conviction, and when conscious of having committed
+injustice, I was ever eager to repair it, by a profusion of caresses and
+acknowledgements. Opposition would always make me vehement, and coercion
+irritated me to violence; but a kind look, a gentle word, a cool
+expostulation--softened, melted, arrested, me, in the full career of
+passion. Never, but once, do I recollect having received a blow; but the
+boiling rage, the cruel tempest, the deadly vengeance it excited, in my
+mind, I now remember with shuddering.
+
+Every day I became more attached to my books; yet, not less fond of
+active play; stories were still my passion, and I sighed for a romance
+that would never end. In my sports with my companions, I acted over what
+I had read: I was alternately the valiant knight--the gentle damsel--the
+adventurous mariner--the daring robber--the courteous lover--and the
+airy coquet. Ever inventive, my young friends took their tone from me.
+I hated the needle:--my aunt was indulgent, and not an hour passed
+unamused:--my resources were various, fantastic, and endless. Thus, for
+the first twelve years of my life, fleeted my days in joy and innocence.
+I ran like the hind, frisked like the kid, sang like the lark, was full
+of vivacity, health, and animation; and, excepting some momentary bursts
+of passion and impatience, awoke every day to new enjoyment, and retired
+to rest fatigued with pleasure.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+
+At this period, by the command of my father, I was sent to boarding
+school.--Ah! never shall I forget the contrast I experienced. I was an
+alien and a stranger;--no one loved, caressed, nor cared for me;--my
+actions were all constrained;--I was obliged to sit poring over needle
+work, and forbidden to prate;--my body was tortured into forms, my mind
+coerced, and talks imposed upon me, grammar and French, mere words, that
+conveyed to me no ideas. I loved my guardians with passion--my tastes
+were all passions--they tore themselves from my embraces with difficulty.
+I sat down, after their departure, and wept--bitter tears--sobbed
+convulsively--my griefs were unheeded, and my sensibility ridiculed--I
+neither gave nor received pleasure. After the rude stare of curiosity,
+ever wounding to my feelings, was gratified, I was left to sob alone.
+
+At length, one young lady, with a fair face and a gentle demeanour,
+came and seated herself beside me. She spoke, in a soft voice, words of
+sympathy--my desolate heart fluttered at the sound. I looked at her--her
+features were mild and sweet; I dried my tears, and determined that she
+should be my friend.--My spirits became calmer, and for a short time I
+indulged in this relief; but, on enquiry, I found my fair companion had
+already a selected favourite, and that their amity was the admiration
+of the school.--Proud, jealous, romantic--I could not submit to be the
+second in her esteem--I shunned her, and returned her caresses with
+coldness.
+
+The only mitigation I now felt to the anguish that had seized my
+spirits, was in the hours of business. I was soon distinguished for
+attention and capacity; but my governness being with-held, by an infirm
+constitution, from the duties of her office, I was consigned, with my
+companions, to ignorant, splenetic, teachers, who encouraged not my
+emulation, and who sported with the acuteness of my sensations. In the
+intervals from school hours I fought and procured books.--These were
+often wantonly taken from me, as a punishment for the most trivial
+offence; and, when my indignant spirit broke out into murmurs and
+remonstrance, I was constrained to learn, by way of penance, chapters in
+the Proverbs of Solomon, or verses from the French testament. To revenge
+myself, I satirized my tyrants in doggrel rhymes: my writing master also
+came in for a share of this little malice; and my productions, wretched
+enough, were handed round the school with infinite applause. Sunk in
+sullen melancholy, in the hours of play I crept into corners, and
+disdained to be amused;--home appeared to me to be the Eden from which
+I was driven, and there my heart and thoughts incessantly recurred.
+
+My uncle from time to time addressed to me--with little presents--kind,
+pleasant, affectionate notes--and these I treasured up as sacred relics.
+A visit of my guardians was a yet more tumultuous pleasure; but it
+always left me in increased anguish. Some robberies had been committed
+on the road to town.--After parting with my friends, I have laid awake
+the whole night, conjuring up in my imagination all the tragic accidents
+I had ever heard or read of, and persuading myself some of them must
+have happened to these darling objects of my affection.
+
+Thus passed the first twelvemonth of my exile from all I loved; during
+which time it was reported, by my school-fellows, that I had never been
+seen to smile. After the vacations, I was carried back to my prison with
+agonizing reluctance, to which in the second year I became, however,
+from habit, better reconciled. I learned music, was praised and encouraged
+by my master, and grew fond of it; I contracted friendships, and
+regained my vivacity; from a forlorn, unsocial, being, I became, once
+more, lively, active, enterprising,--the soul of all amusement, and the
+leader of every innocently mischievous frolic. At the close of another
+year I left school. I kept up a correspondence for some time with a few
+of my young friends, and my effusions were improved and polished by my
+paternal uncle.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+
+This period, which I had anticipated with rapture, was soon clouded by
+the gradual decay, and premature death, of my revered and excellent
+guardian. He sustained a painful and tedious sickness with unshaken
+fortitude;--with more, with chearfulness. I knelt by his bedside on the
+day of his decease; and, while I bathed his hand with my tears, caught
+hope from the sweet, the placid, serenity of his countenance, and could
+not believe the terrors of dissolution near.
+
+'The last sentiment of my heart,' said he, 'is gratitude to the Being
+who has given me so large a portion of good; and I resign my family into
+his hands with confidence.'
+
+He awoke from a short slumber, a few minutes before his death.--'Emma,'
+said he, in a faint voice, (as I grasped his cold hand between both
+mine) turning upon me a mild, yet dying, eye, 'I have had a pleasant
+sleep--Be a good girl, and comfort your aunt!'--
+
+He expired without a groan, or a struggle--'His death was the serene
+evening of a beautiful day!' I gazed on his lifeless remains, the day
+before their interment, and the features still wore the same placid,
+smiling benignity. I was then about fourteen years of age,--this first
+emotion of real sorrow rent my heart asunder!
+
+The sensations of Mrs Melmoth were those of agonizing, suffocating
+anguish:--the fair prospect of domestic felicity was veiled for ever!
+This was the second strong impression which struck my opening mind.
+Many losses occurred, in consequence of foreign connections, in the
+settlement of Mr Melmoth's affairs.--The family found their fortunes
+scanty, and their expectations limited:--their numerous fair-professing
+acquaintance gradually deserted them, and they sunk into oeconomical
+retirement; but they continued to be respectable, because they knew how
+to contract their wants, and to preserve their independence.
+
+My aunt, oppressed with sorrow, could be roused only by settling the
+necessary plans for the future provision of her family. Occupied with
+these concerns, or absorbed in grief, we were left for some time to run
+wild. Months revolved ere the tender sorrows of Mrs Melmoth admitted of
+any mitigation: they at length yielded only to tender melancholy. My
+wonted amusements were no more; a deep gloom was spread over our
+once cheerful residence; my avidity for books daily increased; I
+subscribed to a circulating library, and frequently read, or rather
+devoured--little careful in the selection--from ten to fourteen novels
+in a week.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+
+My father satisfied himself, after the death of my beloved uncle,
+with making a short and formal visit of condolence to the family, and
+proposing either my return to school, or to pay an annual stipend (which
+Mr and Mrs Melmoth had hitherto invariably refused) for defraying the
+expences of my continuance and board with the amiable family by which I
+had been so kindly nurtured. I shrunk from the cold and careless air
+of a man whom I had never been able to teach my heart either to love
+or honour; and throwing my arms round the neck of my maternal aunt,
+murmured a supplication, mingled with convulsive sobs, that she would
+not desert me. She returned my caresses affectionately, and entreated
+my father to permit me to remain with her; adding, that it was her
+determination to endeavour to rouse and strengthen her mind, for the
+performance of those pressing duties--the education of her beloved
+children, among whom she had ever accounted her Emma--which now devolved
+wholly upon her.
+
+My father made no objection to this request; but observed, that
+notwithstanding he had a very favourable opinion of her heart and
+understanding, and considered himself indebted to her, and to her
+deceased husband, for their goodness to Emma, he was nevertheless
+apprehensive that the girl had been weakened and spoiled by their
+indulgence;--that his own health was at present considerably
+injured;--that it was probable he might not survive many years;--in
+which case, he frankly confessed, he had enjoyed life too freely to be
+able to make much provision for his daughter. It would therefore, he
+conceived, be more judicious to prepare and strengthen my mind to
+encounter, with fortitude, some hardships and rude shocks, to which
+I might be exposed, than to foster a sensibility, which he already
+perceived, with regret, was but too acute. For which purpose, he desired
+I might spend one day in every week at his house in Berkley-square, when
+he should put such books into my hands [he had been informed I had a
+tolerable capacity] as he judged would be useful to me; and, in the
+intervals of his various occupations and amusements, assist me himself
+with occasional remarks and reflections. Any little accomplishments
+which Mrs Melmoth might judge necessary for, and suitable to, a young
+woman with a small fortune, and which required the assistance of a
+master, he would be obliged to her if she would procure for me, and call
+upon him to defray the additional expence.
+
+He then, looking on his watch, and declaring he had already missed an
+appointment, took his leave, after naming Monday as the day on which he
+should constantly expect my attendance in Berkley-square.
+
+Till he left the room I had not courage to raise my eyes from the
+ground--my feelings were harrowed up--the tone of his voice was
+discordant to my ears. The only idea that alleviated the horror of my
+weekly punishment (for so I considered the visits to Berkley-square)
+was the hope of reading new books, and of being suffered to range
+uncountroled through an extensive and valuable library, for such I
+had been assured was Mr Courtney's. I still retained my passion for
+adventurous tales, which, even while at school, I was enabled to gratify
+by means of one of the day-boarders, who procured for me romances from a
+neighbouring library, which at every interval of leisure I perused with
+inconceivable avidity.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+
+The following Monday I prepared to attend Mr Courtney. On arriving at
+his house, and announcing my name, a servant conducted me into his
+master's dressing-room. I appeared before him with trembling steps,
+downcast eyes, and an averted face.
+
+'Look up, child!' said my father, in an imperious tone. 'If you are
+conscious of no crime, why all this ridiculous confusion?'
+
+I struggled with my feelings: the tone and manner in which I was
+addressed gave me an indignant sensation:--a deeper suffusion than that
+of modesty, the glow of wounded pride, burnt in my cheeks:--I turned
+quick, gazed in the face of Mr Courtney with a steady eye, and spoke a
+few words, in a firm voice, importing--that I attended by his desire,
+and waited his direction.
+
+He regarded me with somewhat less _hauteur_, and, while he finished
+dressing, interrogated me respecting the books I had read, and the
+impression they had left on my mind. I replied with simplicity, and
+without evasion. He soon discovered that my imagination had been left
+to wander unrestrained in the fairy fields of fiction; but that, of
+historical facts, and the science of the world, I was entirely ignorant.
+
+'It is as I apprehended,' said he:--'your fancy requires a _rein_ rather
+than a _spur_. Your studies, for the future, must be of a soberer
+nature, or I shall have you mistake my valet for a prince in disguise,
+my house for a haunted castle, and my rational care for your future
+welfare for barbarous tyranny.'
+
+I felt a poignant and suffocating sensation, too complicated to bear
+analyzing, and followed Mr Courtney in silence to the library. My heart
+bounded when, on entering a spacious room, I perceived on either side
+a large and elegant assortment of books, regularly arranged in glass
+cases, and I longed to be left alone, to expatiate freely in these
+treasures of entertainment. But I soon discovered, to my inexpressible
+mortification, that the cases were locked, and that in this intellectual
+feast I was not to be my own purveyor. My father, after putting into
+my hands the lives of Plutarch, left me to my meditations; informing
+me, that he should probably dine at home with a few friends, at five
+o'clock, when he should expect my attendance at the table.
+
+I opened my book languidly, after having examined through the glass
+doors the titles of those which were with-held from me. I felt a kind
+of disgust to what I considered as a task imposed, and read a few
+pages carelessly, gazing at intervals through the windows into the
+square.--But my attention, as I proceeded, was soon forcibly arrested,
+my curiosity excited, and my enthusiasm awakened. The hours passed
+rapidly--I perceived not their flight--and at five o'clock, when
+summoned to dinner, I went down into the dining-room, my mind pervaded
+with republican ardour, my sentiments elevated by a high-toned
+philosophy, and my bosom glowing with the virtues of patriotism.
+
+I found with Mr Courtney company of both sexes, to whom he presented me
+on my entrance. Their easy compliments disconcerted me, and I shrunk,
+abashed, from the bold and curious eyes of the gentlemen. During the
+repast I ate little, but listened in silence to every thing that passed.
+
+The theatres were the first topic of conversation, Venice Preserved had
+been acted the preceding evening, and from discussing the play, the
+conversation took a political turn. A gentleman that happened to be
+seated next me, who spoke fluently, looking around him every moment for
+approbation, with apparent self-applause, gave the discourse a tone of
+gallantry, declaring--'Pierre to be a noble fellow, and that the loss
+of a mistress was a sufficient excuse for treason and conspiracy,
+even though the country had been deluged in blood and involved in
+conflagration.'
+
+'And the mistresses of all his fellow citizens destroyed of course;'--said
+a gentleman coolly, on the opposite side of the table.
+
+Oh! that was not a consideration, every thing must give place when put
+in competition with certain feelings. 'What, young lady,' (suddenly
+turning to me) 'do you think a lover would not risque, who was in fear
+of losing you?'
+
+Good God! what a question to an admirer of the grecian heroes! I
+started, and absolutely shuddered. I would have replied, but my words
+died away upon my lips in inarticulate murmurs. My father observed and
+enjoyed my distress.
+
+'The worthies of whom you have been reading, Emma, lived in ancient
+times. Aristides the just, would have made but a poor figure among our
+modern men of fashion!'
+
+'This lady reads, then,'--said our accomplished coxcomb--'Heavens,
+Mr Courtney! you will spoil all her feminine graces; knowledge and
+learning, are unsufferably masculine in a woman--born only for the soft
+solace of man! The mind of a young lady should be clear and unsullied,
+like a sheet of white paper, or her own fairer face: lines of thinking
+destroy the dimples of beauty; aping the reason of man, they lose
+the exquisite, _fascinating_ charm, in which consists their true
+empire;--Then strongest, when most weak--
+
+                  "Loveliest in their fears--
+  And by this silent adulation, soft,
+  To their protection more engaging man."
+
+'Pshaw!' replied Mr Courtney, a little peevishly--'you will persuade
+Emma, that the age of chivalry is not yet over; and that giants and
+ravishers are as common now, as in the time of Charlemagne: a young
+woman of sense and spirit needs no other protection; do not flatter the
+girl into affectation and imbecility. If blank paper be your passion,
+you can be at no loss; the town will supply quires and reams.'
+
+'There I differ from you,' said the gentleman on the opposite side of
+the table; 'to preserve the mind a blank, we must be both deaf and
+blind, for, while any inlet to perception remains, your paper will
+infallibly contract characters of some kind, or be blotted and
+scrawled!'
+
+'For God's sake! do not let us begin to philosophise,' retorted his
+antagonist, who was not to be easily silenced.
+
+'I agree with you,'--rejoined the other--'_thinking_ is undoubtedly
+very laborious, and _principle_ equally troublesome and impertinent.'
+
+I looked at him as he finished speaking, and caught his eye for a
+moment; its expression methought was doubtful. The man of fashion
+continued to expatiate in rhetorical periods--He informed us, that he
+had fine feelings, but they never extended beyond selfish gratification.
+For his part, he had as much humanity as any man, for which reason he
+carefully avoided the scene or the tale of distress. He, likewise, had
+his opinions, but their pliability rendered them convenient to himself,
+and accommodating to his friends. He had courage to sustain fatigue and
+hardship, when, not his country, but vanity demanded the exertion. It
+was glorious to boast of having travelled two hundred miles in eight and
+forty hours, and sat up three nights, to be present, on two succeeding
+evenings, at a ball in distant counties.
+
+'This man,' I said to myself, while I regarded him with a look of
+ineffable scorn--'takes a great deal of pains to render himself
+ridiculous, he surely must have a vile heart, or a contemptible opinion
+of mankind: if he be really the character he describes, he is a compound
+of atrocity and folly, and a pest to the world; if he slanders himself,
+what must be that state of society, the applause of which he persuades
+himself is to be thus acquired?' I sighed deeply;--in either case the
+reflection was melancholy;--my eyes enquired--'Am I to hate or to
+despise you?' I know not whether he understood their language, but he
+troubled me no more with his attentions.
+
+I reflected a little too seriously:--I have since seen many a prating,
+superficial coxcomb, who talks to display his oratory--_mere words_
+--repeated by rote, to which few ideas are affixed, and which are
+uttered and received with equal apathy.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+
+During three years, I continued my weekly visits to Berkley square; I
+was not always allowed to join the parties who assembled there, neither
+indeed would it have been proper, for they were a motley groupe; when
+permitted so to do, I collected materials for reflection. I had been
+educated by my aunt, in strict principles of religion; many of Mr
+Courtney's friends were men of wit and talents, who, occasionally,
+discussed important subjects with freedom and ability: I never ventured
+to mingle in the conversations, but I overcame my timidity sufficiently
+to behave with propriety and composure; I listened attentively to all
+that was said, and my curiosity was awakened to philosophic enquiries.
+
+Mr Courtney now entrusted me with the keys of the bookcases, through
+which I ranged with ever new delight. I went through, by my father's
+direction, a course of historical reading, but I could never acquire a
+taste for this species of composition. Accounts of the early periods of
+states and empires, of the Grecian and Roman republics, I pursued with
+pleasure and enthusiasm: but when they became more complicated, grew
+corrupt, luxurious, licentious, perfidious, mercenary, I turned from
+them fatigued, and disgusted, and sought to recreate my spirits in the
+fairer regions of poetry and fiction.
+
+My early associations rendered theology an interesting subject to me; I
+read ecclesiastical history, a detail of errors and crimes, and entered
+deeply into polemic divinity: my mind began to be emancipated, doubts
+had been suggested to it, I reasoned freely, endeavoured to arrange and
+methodize my opinions, and to trace them fearlessly through all their
+consequences: while from exercising my thoughts with freedom, I seemed
+to acquire new strength and dignity of character. I met with some of the
+writings of Descartes, and was seized with a passion for metaphysical
+enquiries. I began to think about the nature of the soul--whether it
+was a composition of the elements, the result of organized matter, or
+a subtle and etherial fire.
+
+In the course of my researches, the Heloise of Rousseau fell into my
+hands.--Ah! with what transport, with what enthusiasm, did I peruse this
+dangerous, enchanting, work!--How shall I paint the sensations that were
+excited in my mind!--the pleasure I experienced approaches the limits of
+pain--it was tumult--all the ardour of my character was excited.--Mr
+Courtney, one day, surprised me weeping over the sorrows of the tender
+St Preux. He hastily snatched the book from my hand, and, carefully
+collecting the remaining volumes, carried them in silence to his chamber:
+but the impression made on my mind was never to be effaced--it was even
+productive of a long chain of consequences, that will continue to
+operate till the day of my death.
+
+My time at this period passed rapidly and pleasantly. My father never
+treated me with affection; but the austerity of his manner gradually
+subsided. He gave me, occasionally, useful hints and instructions.
+Without feeling for him any tenderness, he inspired me with a degree of
+respect. The library was a source of lively and inexhaustible pleasure
+to my mind; and, when admitted to the table of Mr Courtney, some new
+character or sentiment frequently sharpened my attention, and afforded
+me subjects for future enquiry and meditation. I delighted to expatiate,
+when returning to the kind and hospitable mansion of my beloved aunt,
+(which I still considered as my home) on the various topics which I had
+collected in my little emigrations. I was listened to by my cousins with
+a pleasure that flattered my vanity, and looked up to as a kind of
+superior being;--a homage particularly gratifying to a young mind.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+
+The excellent woman, who had been my more than mother, took infinite
+pains to cure the foibles, which, like pernicious weeds, entangled
+themselves with, and sometimes threatened to choak, the embryo blossoms
+of my expanding mind. Ah! with what pleasure do I recall her beloved
+idea to my memory! Fostered by her maternal love, and guided by her mild
+reason, how placid, and how sweet, were my early days!--Why, my first,
+my tenderest friend, did I lose you at that critical period of life,
+when the harmless sports and occupations of childhood gave place to the
+pursuits, the passions and the errors of youth?--With the eloquence of
+affection, with gentle, yet impressive persuasion, thou mightest have
+checked the wild career of energetic feeling, which thou hast so often
+remarked with hope and terror.
+
+As I entered my eighteenth year, I lost, by a premature death, this
+tender monitor. Never shall I forget her last emphatic, affectionate,
+caution.
+
+'Beware, my dear Emma,' said this revered friend, 'beware of
+strengthening, by indulgence, those ardent and impetuous sensations,
+which, while they promise vigour of mind, fill me with apprehension
+for the virtue, for the happiness of my child. I wish not that the
+canker-worm, Distrust, should blast the fair fruit of your ripening
+virtues. The world contains many benevolent, many disinterested,
+spirits; but civilization is yet distempered and imperfect; the
+inequalities of society, by fostering artificial wants, and provoking
+jealous competitions, have generated selfish and hostile passions.
+Nature has been vainly provident for her offspring, while man, with
+mistaken avidity, grasping more than he has powers to enjoy, preys on
+his fellow man:--departing from simple virtues, and simple pleasures,
+in their stead, by common consent, has a wretched semblance been
+substituted. Endeavour to contract your wants, and aspire only to
+a rational independence; by exercising your faculties, still the
+importunate suggestions of your sensibility; preserve your sincerity,
+cherish the ingenuous warmth of unsophisticated feeling, but let
+discernment precede confidence. I tremble even for the excess of those
+virtues which I have laboured to cultivate in your lively and docile
+mind. If I could form a wish for longer life, it is only for my children,
+and that I might be to my Emma instead of reason, till her own stronger
+mind matures. I dread, lest the illusions of imagination should
+render those powers, which would give force to truth and virtue, the
+auxiliaries of passion. Learn to distinguish, with accuracy, the good
+and ill qualities of those with whom you may mingle: while you abhor the
+latter, separate the being from his errors; and while you revere the
+former, the moment that your reverence becomes personal, that moment,
+suspect that your judgment is in danger of becoming the dupe of your
+affections.'
+
+Would to God that I had impressed upon my mind--that I had recalled to
+my remembrance more frequently--a lesson so important to a disposition
+like mine!--a continual victim to the enthusiasm of my feelings;
+incapable of approving, or disapproving, with moderation--the most
+poignant sufferings, even the study of mankind, have been insufficient
+to dissolve the powerful enchantment, to disentangle the close-twisted
+associations!--But I check this train of overwhelming reflection, that
+is every moment on the point of breaking the thread of my narration, and
+obtruding itself to my pen.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+
+Mr Courtney did not long survive the guardian of my infancy:--his
+constitution had for some years been gradually impaired; and his death
+was hastened by a continuance of habitual dissipation, which he had not
+the resolution to relinquish, and to which his strength was no longer
+equal. It was an event I had long anticipated, and which I contemplated
+with a sensation of solemnity, rather than of grief. The ties of blood
+are weak, if not the mere chimeras of prejudice, unless sanctioned by
+reason, or cemented by habits of familiar and affectionate intercourse.
+Mr Courtney refusing the title of father, from a conviction that his
+conduct gave him no claim to this endearing appellation, had accustomed
+me to feel for him only the respect due to some talents and good
+qualities, which threw a veil over his faults. Courage and truth were
+the principles with which he endeavoured to inspire me;--precepts, which
+I gratefully acknowledge, and which forbid me to adopt the language of
+affection, when no responsive sympathies exist in the heart.
+
+My eyes were yet moist with the tears that I had shed for the loss of my
+maternal friend, when I received a hasty summons to Berkley-square. A
+servant informed me, that his master was, at length, given over by his
+physicians, and wished to speak to Miss Courtney, before his strength
+and spirits were too much exhausted.
+
+I neither felt, nor affected, surprize at this intelligence, but threw
+myself, without reply, into the carriage which had been dispatched for
+my conveyance.
+
+On entering the house, a gloomy silence seemed to reign throughout the
+late festive apartments; but, as I had seldom been a partaker of the
+festivity, the contrast struck me less forcibly than it might otherwise
+have done. My name was announced, and I was conducted, by the housekeeper,
+to the chamber of her dying master, who, supported on pillows, breathed
+with difficulty, but appeared to be free from pain, and tolerably
+composed. I met the physician in the ante-chamber; who, on my requesting
+earnestly to know the situation of his patient, informed me--That an
+internal mortification had taken place, and that he could not survive
+many hours.
+
+Approaching the bed, considerably shocked at the intelligence I had
+received, Mr Courtney, in a low and faint voice, desired me to draw a
+chair near him. I obeyed in silence.
+
+'Emma,' said he, 'I am about to quit a world, in which I have
+experienced little sincere enjoyment; yet, I leave it reluctantly. Had I
+been more temperate in my pleasures, perhaps, they might have been less
+destructive, and more protracted. I begin to suspect, that I have made
+some great mistakes; but it is now too late for retraction, and I will
+not, in my last moments, contradict, by my example, the lesson of
+fortitude, with which it has been a part of my plan to inspire you.
+You have now, unprotected, the world to encounter; for, I will frankly
+confess, that my affection for you has not been strong enough to induce
+me to forego my own more immediate gratification: but I have never
+deceived you. Your mother, when she married, reserved for her private
+expences a thousand pounds, which, on her deathbed, she desired might
+be invested in the funds on your account. This request I religiously
+complied with, and there it has remained untouched; and, being purchased
+in your name, you may claim it whenever you please. I have appointed
+you no guardians; for, already in your nineteenth year and possessing
+an understanding superior to your sex and age, I chose to leave you
+unfettered, and at your own discretion. I spared from my pleasures what
+money was requisite to complete your education; for having no fortune to
+give you, and my health being precarious, I thought it just to afford
+you every advantage for the improvement of those talents which you
+evidently possess, and which must now enable you to make your way in the
+world; for the scanty pittance, that the interest of your fortune will
+produce, is, I doubt, insufficient for your support. Had I lived, it was
+my intention to have established you by marriage; but that is a scheme,
+to which, at present, I would not advise you to trust. Marriage,
+generally speaking, in the existing state of things, must of necessity
+be an affair of _finance_. My interest and introduction might have
+availed you something; but mere merit, wit, or beauty, stand in need of
+more powerful auxiliaries. My brother, Mr Morton[3], called on me this
+morning:--he has agreed, for the present, to receive you into his
+family, where you must endeavour to make yourself useful and agreeable,
+till you can fix on a better and more independent plan. Finding me in so
+low a state, your uncle would have waited a few days in town, to have
+seen the result, and in case of the worst, to have taken you down with
+him, but pressing business urged his departure. I would advise you,
+immediately after my decease, to set out for Morton Park. Proper persons
+are appointed to settle my affairs:--when every thing is turned into
+money, there will, I trust, be sufficient to discharge my just debts;
+but do not flatter yourself with the expectation of a surplus. Your
+presence here, when I am no more, will be equally unnecessary and
+improper.'
+
+      [Footnote 3: Mr Courtney's brother had taken the name of
+      Morton, to qualify himself for the inheritance of an estate,
+      bequeathed to him by a distant relation.]
+
+This was said at intervals, and with difficulty; when, seeming quite
+exhausted, he waved his hand for me to leave the room, and sunk into a
+sort of dose, or rather stupor, which continued till within some minutes
+of his decease.
+
+Mr Courtney had been, what is called, a man of pleasure:--he had passed
+thro' life without ever loving any one but himself--intent, merely,
+on gratifying the humour of the moment. A superior education, and
+an attentive observance, not of rational, but, of social man, in an
+extensive commerce with the world, had sharpened his sagacity; but he
+was inaccessible to those kindlings of the affections--those glowings of
+admiration--inspired by real, or fancied, excellence, which never fail
+to expand and advance the minds of such as are capable of sketching,
+with a daring hand, the dangerous picture:--or of those philosophic and
+comprehensive views, which teach us to seek a reflected happiness in
+benevolent exertions for the welfare of others. My mother, I suspected,
+had been the victim of her husband's unkindness and neglect: wonder not,
+then, that my heart revolted when I would have given him the tender
+appellation of father! If he coldly acknowledged any little merits which
+I possessed, he regarded them rather with jealousy than approbation; for
+he felt that they tacitly reproached him.
+
+I will make no comment on the closing scene of his life. Among the
+various emotions which had rapidly succeeded each other in my mind,
+during his last address, surprize had no place; I had not then his
+character to learn.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+
+The small pittance bequeathed to me was insufficient to preserve me
+from dependence.--_Dependence!_--I repeated to myself, and I felt my
+heart die within me. I revolved in my mind various plans for my future
+establishment.--I might, perhaps, be allowed to officiate, as an
+assistant, in the school where I had been placed in my childhood, with
+the mistress of which I still kept up an occasional correspondence; but
+this was a species of servitude, and my mind panted for freedom, for
+social intercourse, for scenes in motion, where the active curiosity of
+my temper might find a scope wherein to range and speculate. What could
+the interest of my little fortune afford? It would neither enable me
+to live alone, nor even to board in a family of any respectability. My
+beloved aunt was no more; her children were about to be dispersed, and
+to form various connections.
+
+Cruel prejudices!--I exclaimed--hapless woman! Why was I not educated
+for commerce, for a profession, for labour? Why have I been rendered
+feeble and delicate by bodily constraint, and fastidious by artificial
+refinement? Why are we bound, by the habits of society, as with an
+adamantine chain? Why do we suffer ourselves to be confined within a
+magic circle, without daring, by a magnanimous effort, to dissolve the
+barbarous spell?
+
+A child in the drama of the world, I knew not which way to turn, nor on
+what to determine. I wrote to Mr Morton, to enquire on what terms I was
+to be received by his family. If merely as a visitor for a few weeks,
+till I had time to digest my plans, I should meet, with pleasure, a
+gentleman whose character I had been taught to respect; but I should not
+consider myself as subject to controul. I ought, perhaps, to have been
+satisfied with Mr Morton's answer to my interrogatories.
+
+He wished to embrace the daughter of his brother, his family would be
+happy to render Morton Park agreeable to her, as long as she should
+think proper to favour them by making it her residence. The young
+ladies expected both pleasure and improvement from the society of
+their accomplished kinswoman, &c.
+
+I believe I was unreasonable, the style of this letter was civil, nay
+kind, and yet it appeared, to me, to want the vivifying principle--what
+shall I say?--dictated merely by the head, it reached not the heart.
+
+The trials of my mind, I foreboded, were about to commence, I shrunk
+from the world I had been so willing to enter, for the rude storms of
+which I had been little fitted by the fostering tenderness of my early
+guardians. Those ardent feelings and lively expectations, with all the
+glowing landscapes which my mind had sketched of the varied pleasures
+of society, while in a measure secluded from its enjoyments, gradually
+melted into one deep, undistinguished shade. That sanguine ardour of
+temper, which had hitherto appeared the predominant feature of my
+character, now gave place to despondency. I wept, I suffered my tears
+to flow unrestrained: the solemnity of the late events had seized my
+spirits, and the approaching change filled me with solicitude. I
+wandered over the scenes of my past pleasures, and recalled to my
+remembrance, with a sad and tender luxury, a thousand little incidents,
+that derived all their importance from the impossibility of their
+renewal. I gazed on every object, _for the last time_--What is there in
+these words that awakens our fanaticisms? I could have done homage to
+these inanimate, and, till now, uninteresting objects; merely because I
+should _see them no more_.
+
+How fantastic and how capricious are these sentiments! Ought I, or
+ought I not, to blush while I acknowledge them? My young friends, also,
+from whom I was about to separate myself!--how various might be our
+destinies, and how unconscious were we of the future! Happy ignorance,
+that by bringing the evils of life in succession, gradually inures us to
+their endurance.
+
+  'Had I beheld the sum of ills, which one
+   By one, I have endured--my heart had broke.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+
+The hour at length came, when, harrassed in body and in mind, I set out
+for Morton Park. I travelled alone, and reached the end of my journey at
+close of day. I entreated Mr Morton, who hastened to hand me from the
+carriage, and welcome my arrival, that I might be permitted to retire
+to my apartment, pleading fatigue, and wishing to wave the ceremony of
+an introduction to the family till the next morning. My request was
+obligingly granted, and a servant ordered to attend me to my chamber.
+
+Many years had elapsed since I had seen this family, and my judgment
+was then so immature, that our meeting at the breakfast table had with
+each of us, I believe, the force of a first impression. You know my
+_fanaticism_ on these occasions. I will attempt an imperfect sketch of
+the groupe, assembled in the saloon, to whom I was severally presented
+on my entrance, by the lord of the domain. Mr Morton, himself, to whom
+precedence is due, seemed to be about fifty years of age, was of the
+middle stature, his features regular, and his countenance placid: he
+spoke but little, but that little was always mild and often judicious.
+He appeared not to be void of benevolent affections, and had the
+character of a humane landlord, but his virtues were, in a great
+measure, sunk in an habitual indolence of temper; he would sometimes
+sacrifice his principles to his repose, though never to his interest.
+His lady--no, I will not describe her; her character will, it may be,
+unfold itself to you in future--Suffice it to say, that her person
+was gross, her voice loud and discordant, and her features rugged:
+she affected an air of openness and pleasantry; It may be prejudiced,
+perhaps she did not _affect it_. Sarah Morton, the eldest of the
+daughters, was about my age, she was under the middle height, fair,
+plump, loquacious; there was a childish levity in her accent and
+manners, which impressed strangers with an unfavourable opinion of her
+understanding, but it was an acquired manner, for she was shrewd and
+sensible. Ann, the second daughter was a little lively brunette, with
+sharp features and sparkling black eyes; volatile, giddy, vain and
+thoughtless, but good humoured and pretty. The other children were much
+younger.
+
+Two gentlemen joined us at our repast, visitors at Morton park. Mr
+Francis, the elder, was in his fortieth year, his figure slender and
+delicate, his eye piercing, and his manner impressive. It occurred to
+me, that I had somewhere seen him before, and, after a few minutes
+recollection, I recognized in him a gentleman who had occasionally
+visited at my father's, and whom I have already mentioned as the
+antagonist of the man of fashion, whose sentiments and volubility
+excited my youthful astonishment and indignation. Mr Montague the
+younger, the son of a medical gentleman residing in a neighbouring
+county, seemed about one and twenty, tall, elegantly formed, full of
+fire and vivacity, with imperious manners, an impetuous temper, and
+stubborn prejudices.
+
+The introduction of a stranger generally throws some kind of restraint
+over a company; a break is made in their usual topics and associations,
+till the disposition and habits of the intruder have, in some degree,
+unfolded themselves. Mrs Morton took upon herself to entertain; she
+exhibited her talents on various subjects, with apparent self-approbation,
+till a few keen remarks from Mr Francis arrested the torrent of her
+eloquence. The young ladies scrutinized me with attention; even the
+lively Ann, while she minutely observed me, ceased to court play from
+Mr Montague, who attended to me with the air, and addressed me in the
+language of gallantry. I sometimes caught the penetrating eye of Mr
+Francis, and his glance seemed to search the soul.
+
+After breakfast, Mr Morton having retired to his dressing-room, and the
+younger part of the company strolling into the pleasure grounds, whither
+I declined accompanying them, I took an opportunity, being ever desirous
+of active and useful employment, of offering my assistance to Mrs Morton,
+in the education of her younger children; proposing to instruct them
+in the rudiments either of music, drawing, French, or any other
+accomplishment, for which my own education had capacitated me. Mr
+Francis remained standing in a window, his back towards us, with a book
+in his hand, on which he seemed intent.
+
+'If,' replied Mrs Morton, 'it is your wish, Miss Courtney, to procure
+the situation of governess in any gentleman's family, and it is
+certainly a very laudable desire in a young woman of your _small
+fortune_, Mr Morton will, I have no doubt, have it in his power
+to recommend you: but in the education of my family, I desire no
+interference; it is an important task, and I have my peculiar notions
+on the subject: their expectations are not great, and your _elegant_
+accomplishments might unfit them for their future, probable, stations.'
+
+The manner in which this speech was uttered spoke yet more forcibly than
+the words.--I felt my cheeks glow.
+
+'I was not asking favours, Madam, I was only desirous of being useful.'
+
+'It is a pity, then, that your discernment had not corrected your
+vanity.'
+
+The housekeeper entering, to consult her mistress on some domestic
+occasion, Mrs Morton quitted the room. Mr Francis closed his book,
+turned round, and gazed earnestly in my face: before sufficiently
+mortified, his observation, which I felt at this moment oppressive, did
+not relieve me. I attempted to escape, but, seizing my hand, he detained
+me by a kind of gentle violence.
+
+'And why this confusion, my dear Miss Courtney; do you blush for having
+acted with propriety and spirit?' I burst into tears--I could not help
+it--'How weak is this, how unworthy of the good sense you have just
+manifested.'
+
+'I confess it, but I feel myself, at this moment, a poor, a friendless,
+an unprotected being.'
+
+'What prejudices! poverty is neither criminal, nor disgraceful; you
+will not want friends, while you continue to deserve them; and as for
+protection,' (and he smiled) 'I had not expected from Emma Courtney's
+spirited letter to Mr Morton, and equally proper retort to his lady's
+impertinence, so plaintive, so feminine a complaint.--You have talents,
+cultivate them, and learn to rest on your own powers.'
+
+'I thank you for your reproof, and solicit your future lessons.'
+
+'Can you bear the truth?'
+
+'Try me.'
+
+'Have you not cherished a false pride?'
+
+It is too true, thought I, and I sighed.
+
+'How shall I cure this foible?'
+
+'By self-examination, by resolution, and perseverance.'
+
+'Be to me instead of a conscience.'
+
+'What, then, is become of your own?'
+
+'Prejudice, I doubt, has blinded and warped it.'
+
+'I suspect so; but you have energy and candor, and are not, I hope, of a
+temper to despond.'
+
+The return of the family terminated this singular conversation.
+The young ladies rallied me, on being found _tête-à-tête_ with the
+philosopher; Mr Montague, I thought looked displeased. I stole out;
+while the party were dressing for dinner, and rambled into the gardens,
+which were extensive, and laid out with taste.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+
+I judged my visit here would not be very long. I scarcely knew whether I
+was most inclined to like or to fear Mr Francis, but I determined, if
+possible, to cultivate his friendship. I interrogated myself again and
+again--From whence this restlessness, this languor, this disgust, with
+all I hear and see?--Why do I feel wayward, querulous, fastidious? Mr
+Morton's family had no hearts; they appeared to want a _sense_, that
+preyed incessantly on mine; I could not love them, and my heart panted
+to expand its sensations.
+
+Sarah and Ann became jealous of me, and of each other; the haughty, yet
+susceptible, Montague addressed each in turn, with a homage equally
+fervent for the moment, and equally transient. This young man was bold,
+ardent, romantic, and enterprizing, but blown about by every gust of
+passion, he appeared each succeeding moment a different character: with
+a glowing and rapid imagination, he had never given himself time to
+reason, to compare, to acquire principles: following the bent of a
+raised, yet capricious fancy, he was ever in pursuit of meteors, that
+led him into mischief, or phantoms, that dissolved at his approach.
+
+Had my mind been more assured and at ease, I could have amused myself
+with the whimsical flights of this eccentric being--One hour, attracted
+by the sportive graces of Ann, he played with and caressed her, while
+the minutes flew rapidly on the light wing of amusement, and, till
+reminded by the grave countenance of Mr Morton, seemed to forget
+that any other person was present. The next minute, disgusted by her
+frivolity, all his attention was absorbed by the less fascinating, but
+more artful and ingenious, Sarah. Then, quitting them both, he would
+pursue my steps, break in upon my meditations, and haunt my retreats,
+from whence, when not disposed to be entertained by his caprice, I
+found it not difficult to drive him, by attacking some of his various
+prejudices:--accustomed to feel, and not to reason, his tastes and
+opinions were vehement and uncontroulable.
+
+From this society, so uncongenial to my reflecting, reasoning, mind,
+I found some resource in the conversation of Mr Francis. The pride of
+Montague was evidently piqued by the decided preference which I gave to
+the company of his friend; but his homage, or his resentment, were alike
+indifferent to me: accustomed to speak and act from my convictions,
+I was but little solicitous respecting the opinion of others. My
+understanding was exercised by attending to the observations of Mr
+Francis, and by discussing the questions to which they led; yet it
+was exercised without being gratified: he opposed and bewildered me,
+convicted me of error, and harrassed me with doubt.
+
+Mr Francis soon after prepared to return to town. I was affected at the
+idea of his departure; and felt, that in losing his society, I should be
+deprived of my only rational recreation, and should again be exposed to
+Mrs Morton's illiberal attacks, who appeared to have marked me out for
+her victim, though at present restrained by the presence of a man, who
+had found means to inspire, even her, with some degree of respect.
+
+Mr Francis, on the evening preceding the day on which he purposed
+leaving Morton Park, passing under the open window of my chamber, in
+which I was sitting with a book to enjoy the refreshing breeze, invited
+me to come down, and accompany him in a ramble. I immediately complied
+with his request, and joined him in a few minutes, with a countenance
+clouded with regret at the idea of his quitting us.
+
+'You are going,' said I, as I gave him my hand (which he passed under
+his arm), 'and I lose my friend and counsellor.'
+
+'Your concern is obliging; but you are capable of standing alone, and
+your mind, by so doing, will acquire strength.'
+
+'I feel as if this would not be the case: the world appears to me a
+thorny and pathless wilderness; I step with caution, and look around me
+with dread.--That I require protection and assistance is, I confess, a
+proof of weakness, but it is nevertheless true.'
+
+'Mr Montague,' replied he, with some degree of archness in his tone and
+manner, 'is a gallant knight, a pattern of chivalry, and appears to be
+particularly calculated for the defender of distressed damsels!'
+
+'I have no inclination to trust myself to the guidance of one, who seems
+himself entangled in an inextricable maze of error, and whose versatile
+character affords little basis for confidence.'
+
+'Tell me what it is you fear;--are your apprehensions founded in
+reason?'
+
+'Recollect my youth, my sex, and my precarious situation.'
+
+'I thought you contemned the plea of _sex_, as a sanction for weakness!'
+
+'Though I disallow it as a natural, I admit it as an artificial, plea.'
+
+'Explain yourself.'
+
+'The character, you tell me, is modified by circumstances: the customs
+of society, then, have enslaved, enervated, and degraded woman.'
+
+'I understand you: there is truth in your remark, though you have given
+it undue force.'
+
+I hesitated--my heart was full--I felt as if there were many things
+which I wished to say; but, however paradoxical, the manners of Mr
+Francis repressed, while they invited, confidence. I respected his
+reason, but I doubted whether I could inspire him with sympathy, or
+make him fully comprehend my feelings. I conceived I could express
+myself with more freedom on paper; but I had not courage to request a
+correspondence, when he was silent on the subject. That it would be a
+source of improvement to me, I could not doubt, but prejudice with-held
+me from making the proposal. He looked at me, and perceived my mind
+struggling with a suggestion, to which it dared not give utterance: he
+suspected the truth, but was unwilling to disturb the operations of my
+understanding. We walked for some time in silence:--my companion struck
+into a path that led towards the house--listened to the village clock as
+it struck nine--and observed, the hour grew late. He had distinguished
+me, and I was flattered by that distinction; he had supported me against
+the arrogance of Mrs Morton, retorted the sly sarcasms of Sarah, and
+even helped to keep the impetuous Montague in awe, and obliged him to
+rein in his offensive spirit, every moment on the brink of outrage. My
+heart, formed for grateful attachment, taking, in one instant, a hasty
+retrospect of the past, and a rapid glance into futurity, experienced at
+that moment so desolating a pang, that I endeavoured in vain to repress
+its sensations, and burst into a flood of tears. Mr Francis suddenly
+stopped, appeared moved, and, with a benevolent aspect and soothing
+accents, enquired into the cause of an emotion so sudden and unexpected.
+I wept a few minutes in silence, and my spirits seemed, in some measure,
+relieved.
+
+'I weep,' (said I), 'because I am _friendless_; to be esteemed and
+cherished is necessary to my existence; I am an alien in the family
+where I at present reside, I cannot remain here much longer, and to
+whom, and whither, shall I go?'
+
+He took my hand--'I will not, at present, say all that it might be
+proper to say, because I perceive your mind is in a feeble state;--My
+affairs call me to London;--yet, there is a method of conversing at a
+distance.'
+
+I eagerly availed myself of this suggestion, which I had wished, without
+having the courage to propose.
+
+'Will you, then, allow me, through the medium of pen and paper, to
+address, to consult you, as I may see occasion?'
+
+'Will I? yes, most cheerfully! Propose your doubts and state your
+difficulties, and we shall see,' (smiling) 'whether they admit of a
+solution.'
+
+Thanking him, I engaged to avail myself of this permission, and we
+proceeded slowly to the house, and joined the party in the supper room.
+I never once thought of my red and swoln eyes, till Sarah, glancing a
+look half curious, half sarcastic, towards me, exclaimed from
+Shakespear, in an affected tone,
+
+  'Parting is such sweet sorrow!'
+
+Mr Francis looked at her sternly, she blushed and was silent; Mr
+Montague was captious; Ann mortified, that she could not by her little
+tricks gain his attention. Mrs Morton sat wrapped in mock dignity; while
+Mr Morton, and his philosophic friend, canvassed the principles upon
+which an horizontal mill was about to be constructed on the estate of
+the former. After a short and scanty meal, I retired to my apartment,
+determined to rise early the next morning, and make breakfast for my
+friend before his departure.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+
+Mr Francis had ordered his horse to be ready at five o'clock. I left
+my chamber at four, to have the pleasure of preparing for him the last
+friendly repast, and of saying _farewel_. He was serene and chearful as
+usual, I somewhat more pensive; we parted with great cordiality, he
+gave me his address in town, and engaged me to write to him shortly.
+I accompanied him through the Park to the porter's lodge, where the
+servant and horses waited his coming. My eyes glistened as I bade him
+adieu, and reiterated my wishes for his safety and prosperity, while his
+features softened into a more than usual benignity, as he returned my
+salutation.
+
+I wandered thoughtfully back towards the house, but the rich purple
+that began to illumine the east, the harbinger of the rising sun, the
+freshness of the morning air, the soft dews which already glittered on
+every fragrant plant and flower, the solemn stillness, so grateful to
+the reflecting mind, that pervaded the scene, induced me to prolong my
+walk. Every object appeared in unison with my feelings, my heart swelled
+with devotional affections, it aspired to the Author of nature. After
+having bewildered ourselves amid systems and theories, religion, in such
+situations, returns to the susceptible mind as a _sentiment_ rather than
+as a principle. A passing cloud let fall a gentle, drizzling shower;
+sheltered beneath the leafy umbrage of a spreading oak, I rather heard
+than felt it; yet, the coolness it diffused seemed to quench those
+ardent emotions, which are but too congenial with my disposition, while
+the tumult of the passions subsided into a delicious tranquillity.
+
+How mutable are human beings!--A very few hours converted this sublime
+complacency into perturbation and tumult. Having extended my walk beyond
+its accustomed limits, on my return, I retired, somewhat fatigued to my
+apartment, and devoted the morning to my studies. At the dinner hour
+I joined the family, each individual of which seemed wrapped up in
+reserve, scarcely deigning to practise the common ceremonies of the
+occasion. I was not sufficiently interested in the cause of these
+appearances to make any enquiries, and willingly resigned myself, in
+the intervals of the entertainment, to meditation.
+
+When the table was cleared, and the servants had withdrawn, perceiving
+the party not sociably inclined, I was about to retire--when Mrs Morton
+observed, with features full of a meaning which I did not comprehend,
+that--
+
+'Their guest, Mr Francis, had, no doubt, left Morton Park gratefully
+impressed by the _kindness_ of Miss Courtney.'
+
+Montague reddened--bit his lips--got up--and sat down again. The young
+ladies wore an air not perfectly good-humoured, and a little triumphant.
+Mr Morton looked very solemn.
+
+'I hope so, Madam,' I replied, somewhat carelessly. 'I felt myself
+indebted to Mr Francis for his civilities, and was solicitous to make
+him all the return in my power--I wish that power had been enlarged.'
+
+She held up her hands and eyes with an affected, and ridiculous,
+gesture.
+
+'Mr Francis,' said Montague, abruptly, 'is very happy in having inspired
+you with sentiments _so partial_.'
+
+'I am not partial--I am merely just. Mr Francis appeared to me a
+rational man, and my understanding was exercised and gratified by his
+conversation.'
+
+I was about to proceed, but my uncle (who seemed to have been tutored
+for the occasion) interrupted me with much gravity.
+
+'You are but little acquainted, Emma, with the customs of society; there
+is great indecorum in a young lady's making these distinctions.'
+
+'What distinctions, my dear Sir!--in prefering a reasonable man to fools
+and coxcombs.'
+
+'Forgive me, my dear--you have a quick wit, but you want experience. I
+am informed, that you breakfasted with Mr Francis this morning, and
+attended him through the Park:--this, with your late walk yesterday
+evening, and evident emotion on your return, let me tell you, child,
+wears an indecorous appearance:--the world is justly attentive to the
+conduct of young women, and too apt to be censorious.'
+
+I looked round me with unaffected surprize--'Good God!--did I suppose,
+in this family, it was necessary to be upon my guard against malicious
+constructions?'
+
+'Pray,'--interrupted Sarah, pertly--'would you not have expressed some
+surprize, had I shewed Mr Montague similar attentions?'
+
+I looked at her, I believe, a little too contemptuously.--'Whatever
+sentiments might have been excited in my mind by the attentions of Miss
+Morton to Mr Montague, _surprize_, assuredly, would not have been among
+them.'
+
+She coloured, and Montague's passions began to rise. I stopped him at
+the beginning of an impertinent harangue, by observing--
+
+'That I did not think myself accountable to him for my conduct;--before
+I should be solicitous respecting his opinions, he must give me better
+reasons, than he had hitherto done, to respect his judgment.'
+
+Ann wept, and prattled something, to which nobody thought it worth while
+to attend.
+
+'Well, Sir,' continued I, turning to Mr Morton, 'be pleased to give me,
+in detail, what you have to alledge, that I may be enabled to justify
+myself.'
+
+'Will you allow me to ask you a question?'
+
+'Most certainly.'
+
+'Has Mr Francis engaged you to correspond with him?'
+
+I was silent a few moments.
+
+'You hesitate!'
+
+'Only, Sir, _how_ to answer your question.--I certainly intend myself
+the pleasure of addressing Mr Francis on paper; but I cannot strictly
+say _he engaged_ me so to do, as it was a proposal he was led to make,
+by conjecturing my wishes on the subject.'
+
+Again, Mrs Morton, with uplifted hands and eyes--'What effrontery!'
+
+I seemed not to hear her.--'Have you any thing more to say, my dear
+uncle?'
+
+'You are a strange girl. It would not, perhaps, be proper before this
+company to enquire'--and he stopped.
+
+'Any thing is proper, Sir, to enquire of me, and in any company--I have
+no reserves, no secrets.'
+
+'Well, then, I think it necessary to inform you, that, though a
+sensible, well educated, liberal-minded, man, Mr Francis has neither
+estate nor fortune, nor does he practise any lucrative profession.'
+
+'I am sorry for it, on his own account; and for those whom his
+generosity might benefit. But, what is it to me?'
+
+'You affect to misunderstand me.'
+
+'I _affect_ nothing.'
+
+'I will speak more plainly:--Has he made you any proposals?'
+
+The purport of this solemn, but ludicrous, preparation, at once flashed
+upon my mind, the first time the thought had ever occurred. I laughed--I
+could not help it.
+
+'I considered Mr Francis as a _philosopher_, and not as a _lover_. Does
+this satisfy you, Sir?'
+
+My uncle's features, in spite of himself, relaxed into a half-smile.
+
+'Very platonic--sweet simplicity!'--drauled out Mrs Morton, in ironical
+accents.
+
+'I will not be insulted, Mr Morton!' quitting my seat, and rising in
+temper.--'I consider myself, merely, as your visitant, and not as
+responsible to any one for my actions. Conscious of purity of intention,
+and superior to all disguise or evasion, I was not aware of these
+feminine, indelicate, unfriendly suggestions. If this behaviour be a
+specimen of what I am to expect in the world--the world may do its
+will--but I will never be its slave: while I have strength of mind
+to form principles, and courage to act upon them, I am determined to
+preserve my freedom, and trust to the general candour and good sense
+of mankind to appreciate me justly. As the brother of my late father,
+and as entitled to respect from your own kind intentions, I am
+willing to enter into any explanations, which _you_, _Sir_, may think
+necessary:--neither my motives, nor my actions, have ever yet shrunk
+from investigation. Will you permit me to attend you in your library? It
+is not my intention to intrude longer on your hospitality, and I could
+wish to avail myself of your experience and counsels respecting my
+future destination.'
+
+Mr Morton, at my request, withdrew with me into the library, where I
+quickly removed from his mind those injurious suspicions with which Mrs
+Morton had laboured to inspire him. He would not hear of my removal from
+the Park--apologized for what had passed--assured me of his friendship
+and protection--and entreated me to consider his house as my home. There
+was an honest warmth and sincerity in his manner, that sensibly affected
+me; I could have wept; and I engaged, at his repeated request, not to
+think, at present, of withdrawing myself from his protection. Thus we
+separated.
+
+How were the virtues of this really good man tarnished by an unsuitable
+connection! In the giddy hours of youth, we thoughtlessly rush into
+engagements, that fetter our minds, and affect our future characters,
+without reflecting on the important consequences of our conduct. This is
+a subject on which I have had occasion to reflect deeply; yet, alas! my
+own boasted reason has been, but too often, the dupe of my imagination.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+
+Nothing, here, occupied my heart--a heart to which it was necessary to
+love and admire. I had suffered myself to be irritated--the tumult of my
+spirits did not easily subside--I was mortified at the reflection--I had
+believed myself armed with patience and fortitude, but my philosophy was
+swept before the impetuous emotions of my passions like chaff before the
+whirlwind. I took up my pen to calm my spirits, and addressed myself to
+the man who had been, unconsciously, the occasion of these vexations.--My
+swelling heart needed the relief of communication.
+
+
+      TO MR FRANCIS
+
+      'I Sought earnestly for the privilege of addressing you on
+      paper. My mind seemed to overflow with a thousand
+      sentiments, that I had not the courage to express in words;
+      but now, when the period is arrived, that I can take up my
+      pen, unawed by your penetrating glance, unchecked by your
+      poignant reply, and pour out my spirit before you, I feel
+      as if its emotions were too wayward, too visionary, too
+      contradictory, to merit your attention.
+
+      'Every thing I see and hear is a disappointment to
+      me:--brought up in retirement--conversing only with
+      books--dwelling with ardour on the great characters, and
+      heroic actions, of antiquity, all my ideas of honour and
+      distinction were associated with those of virtue and
+      talents. I conceived, that the pursuit of truth, and the
+      advancement of reason, were the grand objects of universal
+      attention, and I panted to do homage to those superior
+      minds, who, teaching mankind to be wise, would at length
+      lead them to happiness. Accustomed to think, to feel, to
+      kindle into action, I am at a loss to understand the
+      distinction between theory and practice, which every one
+      seems eager to inculcate, as if the degrading and melancholy
+      intelligence, which fills my soul with despondency, and
+      pervades my understanding with gloom, was to them a subject
+      of exultation.
+
+      'Is virtue, then, a chimera--does it exist only in the
+      regions of romance?--Have we any interest in finding our
+      fellow creatures weak and miserable?--Is the Being who
+      formed them unjust, capricious, impotent, or tyrannical?
+
+      'Answer these questions, that press heavily on my mind, that
+      dart across it, in its brightest moments, clouding its
+      sun-shine with a thick and impenetrable darkness. Must the
+      benevolent emotions, which I have hitherto delighted to
+      cherish, turn into misanthropy--must the fervent and social
+      affections of my heart give place to inanity, to
+      apathy--must the activity of a curious and vigorous mind
+      sink into torpor and abhorred vacuity?
+
+      'While they teach me to distrust the existence of virtue,
+      they endeavour to impose on me, in its stead, a fictitious
+      semblance; and to substitute, for the pure gold of truth, a
+      paltry tinsel. It is in vain I ask--what have those to do
+      with "_seeming_," who still retain "that which _passeth
+      shew_?" However my actions may be corrupted by the
+      contagious example of the world, may I still hold fast my
+      integrity, and disdain to wear the _appearance_ of virtue,
+      when the substance shall no longer exist.
+
+      'To admire, to esteem, to love, are congenial to my
+      nature--I am unhappy, because these affections are not
+      called into exercise. To venerate abstract perfection,
+      requires too vigorous an exertion of the mental powers--I
+      would see virtue exemplified, I would love it in my fellow
+      creatures--I would catch the glorious enthusiasm, and rise
+      from created to uncreated excellence.
+
+      'I am perplexed with doubts; relieve the wanderings of my
+      mind, solve the difficulties by which it is agitated,
+      prepare me for the world which is before me. The prospect,
+      no longer beaming with light, no longer glowing with a
+      thousand vivid hues, is overspread with mists, which the
+      mind's eye vainly attempts to penetrate. I would feel,
+      again, the value of existence, the worth of rectitude, the
+      certainty of truth, the blessing of hope! Ah! tell me
+      not--that the gay expectations of youth have been the
+      meteors of fancy, the visions of a romantic and distempered
+      imagination! If I must not live to realize them, I would not
+      live at all.
+
+      'My harrassed mind turns to you! You will not ridicule its
+      scruples--you will, at least, deign to reason with me, and,
+      in the exercise of my understanding, I shall experience a
+      temporary relief from the sensations which devour me, the
+      suspicions that distress me, and which spread over futurity
+      a fearful veil.
+
+                                                          'EMMA.'
+
+
+I walked to the next market town, and left my letter at the post-house,--I
+waited impatiently for a reply; my mind wanted _impression_, and sunk
+into languor. The answer, which arrived in a few days, was kind, because
+it was prompt, my sickly mind required a speedy remedy.
+
+
+      TO EMMA COURTNEY.
+
+      'Why will you thus take things in masses, and continually
+      dwell in extremes? You deceive yourself; instead of
+      cultivating your reason, you are fostering an excessive
+      sensibility, a fastidious delicacy. It is the business of
+      reason to compare, to separate, to discriminate. Is there no
+      medium--extraordinary exertions are only called forth by
+      extraordinary contingences;--because every human being is
+      not a hero, are we then to distrust the existence of virtue?
+
+      'The mind is modified by the circumstances in which it
+      is placed, by the accidents of birth and education; the
+      constitutions of society are all, as yet, imperfect; they
+      have generated, and perpetuated, many mistakes--the
+      consequences of those mistakes will, eventually, carry with
+      them their antidote, the seeds of reproduction are, even,
+      visible in their decay. The growth of reason is slow,
+      but not the less sure; the increase of knowledge must
+      necessarily prepare the way for the increase of virtue and
+      happiness.
+
+      'Look back upon the early periods of society, and, taking
+      a retrospective view of what has been done, amidst the
+      interruptions of barbarous inroads, falling empires, and
+      palsying despotism, calculate what yet may be achieved:
+      while the causes, which have hitherto impeded the progress
+      of civilization, must continue to decrease, in an
+      accelerated ration, with the wide, and still wider,
+      diffusion of truth.
+
+      'We may trace most of the faults, and the miseries of
+      mankind, to the vices and errors of political institutions,
+      their permanency having been their radical defect. Like
+      children, we have dreamt, that what gratifies our desires,
+      or contributes to our convenience, to-day, will prove
+      equally useful and satisfactory to-morrow, without
+      reflecting on the growth of the body, the change of humours,
+      the new objects, and the new situations, which every
+      succeeding hour brings in its train. That immutability,
+      which constitutes the perfection of what we (from the
+      poverty of language) term the _divine mind_, would
+      inevitably be the bane of creatures liable to error; it is
+      of the constancy, rather than of the fickleness, of human
+      beings, that we have reason to complain.
+
+      'Every improvement must be the result of successive
+      experiments, this has been found true in natural science,
+      and it must be universally applied to be universally
+      beneficial. Bigotry, whether religious, political, moral, or
+      commercial, is the canker-worm at the root of the tree of
+      knowledge and of virtue. The wildest speculations are less
+      mischievous than the torpid state of error: he, who tamely
+      resigns his understanding to the guidance of another,
+      sinks at once, from the dignity of a rational being, to a
+      mechanical puppet, moved at pleasure on the wires of the
+      artful operator.--_Imposition_ is the principle and support
+      of every varied description of tyranny, whether civil or
+      ecclesiastical, moral or mental; its baneful consequence is
+      to degrade both him who is imposed on, and him who imposes.
+      _Obedience_, is a word, which ought never to have had
+      existence: as we recede from conviction, and languidly
+      resign ourselves to any foreign authority, we quench the
+      principle of action, of virtue, of reason;--we bear about
+      the semblance of humanity, but the spirit is fled.
+
+      'These are truths, which will slowly, but ultimately,
+      prevail; in the splendour of which, the whole fabric of
+      superstition will gradually fade and melt away. The world,
+      like every individual, has its progress from infancy to
+      maturity--How many follies do we commit in childhood? how
+      many errors are we precipitated into by the fervour and
+      inexperience of youth! Is not every stable principle
+      acquired through innumerable mistakes--can you wonder, that
+      in society, amidst the aggregate of jarring interests and
+      passions, reformation is so tardy? Though civilization has
+      been impeded by innumerable obstacles, even these help to
+      carry on the great work: empires may be overturned, and the
+      arts scattered, but not lost. The hordes of barbarians,
+      which overwhelmed ancient Rome, adopted at length the
+      religion, the laws, and the improvements of the vanquished,
+      as Rome had before done those of Greece. As the stone,
+      which, thrown into the water, spreads circles still more
+      and more extended;--or (to adopt the gospel similitude) as
+      the grain of mustard seed, growing up into a large tree,
+      shelters the fowls of heaven in its branches--so will
+      knowledge, at length, diffuse itself, till it covers the
+      whole earth.
+
+      'When the minds of men are changed, the system of things
+      will also change; but these changes, though active and
+      incessant, must be gradual. Reason will fall softly,
+      and almost imperceptibly, like a gentle shower of dews,
+      fructifying the soil, and preparing it for future harvests.
+      Let us not resemble the ambitious shepherd, who, calling for
+      the accumulated waters of the Nile upon his lands, was, with
+      his flock, swept away in the impetuous torrent.
+
+      'You ask, whether--because human beings are still
+      imperfect--you are to resign your benevolence, and to
+      cherish misanthropy? What a question! Would you hate the
+      inhabitants of an hospital for being infected with a
+      pestilential disorder? Let us remember, that vice originates
+      in mistakes of the understanding, and that, he who seeks
+      happiness by means contradictory and destructive, _is
+      emphatically the sinner_. Our duties, then, are obvious--If
+      selfish and violent passions have been generated by the
+      inequalities of society, we must labour to counteract them,
+      by endeavouring to combat prejudice, to expand the mind,
+      to give comprehensive views, to teach mankind their true
+      interest, and to lead them to habits of goodness and
+      greatness. Every prejudice conquered, every mistake
+      rectified, every individual improved, is an advance upon the
+      great scale of virtue and happiness.
+
+      'Let it, then, be your noblest ambition to co-operate with,
+      to join your efforts, to those of philosophers and sages,
+      the benefactors of mankind. To waste our time in useless
+      repinings is equally weak and vain; every one in his sphere
+      may do something; each has a little circle where his
+      influence will be availing. Correct your own errors, which
+      are various--weeds in a luxuriant soil--and you will have
+      done something towards the general reformation. But you are
+      able to do more;--be vigilant, be active, beware of the
+      illusions of fancy! I suspect, that you will have much to
+      suffer--may you, at length, reap the fruits of a wholesome,
+      though it should be a bitter, experience.
+
+                                                  '---- FRANCIS.'
+
+
+I perused the letter, I had received, again and again; it awakened a
+train of interesting reflections, and my spirits became tranquillized.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+
+Early one fine morning, Ann tapped gently at the door of my chamber; I
+had already risen, and invited her to enter.
+
+'Would I accompany her to breakfast, with a widow lady, who resided in a
+village about two miles from Morton Park, an occasional visitant in the
+family, a lady with whom, she was certain, I should be charmed.'
+
+I smiled at her ardour, thanked her for her kindness, and readily agreed
+to her proposal. We strolled together through an adjacent wood, which,
+by a shady and winding path, conducted us towards the residence of this
+vaunted favourite of my little companion.
+
+On our way, she entertained me with a slight sketch of the history of
+Mrs Harley and her family. She was the widow of a merchant, who was
+supposed to possess great property; but, practising occasionally as an
+underwriter, a considerable capture by the enemy (during war time) of
+some rich ships, reduced his fortune; and, by the consequent anxiety,
+completely destroyed a before debilitated constitution. He died in a few
+weeks after the confirmation of his loss, and, having neglected to make
+a will, a freehold estate of some value, which was all that remained of
+his effects, devolved of course to his eldest son; his two younger sons
+and three daughters being left wholly unprovided for. Augustus Harley,
+the heir, immediately sold the estate, and divided the produce, in equal
+shares, between each individual of the family. His brothers had been
+educated for commerce, and were enabled, through the generous kindness
+of Augustus, to carry on, with advantage and reputation, their
+respective occupations; the sisters were, soon after, eligibly married.
+Augustus, who had been educated for the law, disgusted with its
+chicanery, relinquished the profession, content to restrain his expences
+within the limits of a narrow income. This income had since received an
+increase, by the bequest of a distant relation, a man of a whimsical
+character, who had married, early in life, a beautiful woman, for love;
+but his wife having eloped from him with an officer, and, in the course
+of the intrigue, practised a variety of deceptions, he had retired
+disgusted from society, cherishing a misanthropical spirit: and, on his
+decease, bequeathed an annual sum of four hundred pounds to Augustus
+Harley (to whom in his childhood he had been particularly attached) on
+condition of his remaining unmarried. On his marriage, or death, this
+legacy passed into another branch of the family. On this acquisition
+Augustus determined on making the tour of Europe; and, after travelling
+on the continent for three years, on his return to his native country,
+alternately resided, either in the village of----, with his mother, or
+in the metropolis, where he divided his time, between liberal studies,
+and rational recreation. His visits to the country had, of late,
+been shorter and less frequent: he was the idol of his mother, and
+universally respected by his acquaintance, for his noble and generous
+conduct.--'Ah!' (added the lively narrator) 'could you but see Augustus
+Harley, you would, infallibly, lose your heart--so frank, so pleasant,
+so ingenuous are his manners, so intrepid, and yet so humane! Montague
+is a fine gentleman, but Augustus Harley is more--_he is a man!_'
+
+She began to grow eloquent on this, apparently, exhaustless theme, nor
+did she cease her panegyric till we came in view of Mrs Harley's
+mansion.
+
+'You will love the mother as well as the son,' continued this agreeable
+prattler, 'when you come to know her; she is very good and very
+sensible.'
+
+Drawing near the house, she tripped from me, to enquire if its mistress
+had yet risen.
+
+A small white tenement, half obscured in shrubbery, on a verdant lawn,
+of dimensions equally modest, situated on the side of a hill, and
+commanding an extensive and variegated prospect, was too interesting
+and picturesque an object, not to engage for some moments my attention.
+The image of Augustus, also, which my lively companion had pourtrayed
+with more than her usual vivacity, played in my fancy--my heart paid
+involuntary homage to virtue, and I entered the mansion of Mrs Harley
+with a swelling emotion, made up of complicated feelings--half
+respectful, half tender--sentiments, too mingled to be distinctly
+traced. I was introduced into a room that overlooked a pleasant garden,
+and which the servant called a library. It was hung with green paper,
+the carpet the same colour, green venetian blinds to the windows, a
+sopha and chairs covered with white dimity; some drawings and engravings
+hung on the walls, arranged with exact symmetry; on one side of the room
+stood a grand piano-forte, opposite to which, was a handsome book-case,
+filled with books, elegantly bound; in the middle of the apartment was
+placed a table, covered with a green cloth, on which was a reading desk,
+some books and pamphlets, with implements for writing and drawing.
+Nothing seemed costly, yet neatness, order, and taste, appeared through
+the whole apartment, bespeaking the elegant and cultivated mind of the
+owner.
+
+After amusing myself for a short time, in this charming retirement, I
+was summoned by Ann to the breakfast room, where Mrs Harley awaited
+me. I was interested, at the first glance, in favour of this amiable
+woman--she appeared to be near fifty, her person agreeable, her
+countenance animated, her address engaging, and her manners polished.
+Mutually pleased with each other, the hours passed rapidly; and, till
+reminded by a significant look from my little friend, I was unconscious,
+that I had made my visit of an unreasonable length.
+
+Mrs Harley spoke much of her son, he was the darling and the pride of
+her heart; she lamented the distance that separated them, and wished,
+that her health, and his tenderness, would allow of her residence with
+him in London. When conversing on this favourite topic, a glow enlivened
+her countenance, and her eyes sparkled with a humid brightness. I
+was affected by her maternal love--tender remembrances, and painful
+comparisons, crouded into my mind--a tear fell, that would not be
+twinkled away--she observed it, and seemed to feel its meaning; she held
+out her hand to me, I took it and pressed it to my lips. At parting,
+she entreated me speedily to renew my visit, to come often without
+ceremony--I should cheer her solitude--my sympathy, for she perceived I
+had a feeling heart, would help to console her in the absence of her
+Augustus.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+
+On our way home, Ann was in high spirits, congratulating herself upon
+her sagacity.
+
+'Mrs Harley,' (said she, archly leering in my face) 'will console you
+for the departure of Mr Francis.'
+
+I smiled without replying. At dinner our visit of the morning was
+canvassed (Ann had wished me to conceal it, but this I positively
+refused). Mr Morton spoke of Mrs Harley and her son with great respect,
+Mrs Morton with a sarcastic sneer, accompanied with a reprimand to her
+daughter, for the improper liberty she had taken.
+
+I quitted the table, immediately after the desert, to stifle my disgust,
+and, taking a book, wandered into the pleasure grounds, but incapable of
+fixing my attention, I presently shut my book, and, sauntering slowly
+on, indulged in a reverie. My melancholy reflections again returned--How
+could I remain in a house, where I was every day marked out for insult
+by its mistress--and where was I to dispose of myself? My fortune was
+insufficient to allow of my boarding in a respectable family. Mrs Harley
+came across my mind--Amiable woman!--Would she, indeed, accept of my
+society, and allow me to soften her solitude!--But her income was little
+less limited than my own--it must not be thought of. I reflected on the
+inequalities of society, the source of every misery and of every vice,
+and on the peculiar disadvantages of my sex. I sighed bitterly; and,
+clasping my hands together, exclaimed, unconsciously--
+
+'Whither can I go--and where shall I find an asylum?'
+
+'Allow me to propose one,' said a voice, in a soft accent, suddenly,
+behind me.
+
+I started, turned, and beheld Mr Montague. After some expressions of
+sympathy for the distress which he had witnessed, apologies for his
+intrusion, and incoherent expressions of respect and regard, he somewhat
+abruptly offered his hand and heart to my acceptance, with the impetuosity
+which accompanied all his sentiments and actions; yet, he expressed
+himself with the air of a man who believes he is conferring an obligation.
+I thanked him for his generous proposal--
+
+But, as my heart spake not in his favour--'I must be allowed to decline
+it.'
+
+'That heart,' said he, rudely, 'is already bestowed upon another.'
+
+'Certainly not, Mr Montague; if it were, I would frankly tell you.'
+
+He pronounced the name of Mr Francis--
+
+'Mr Francis is a man for whom I feel a sincere respect and veneration--a
+man whom I should be proud to call my friend; but a thought beyond that,
+I dare venture to say, has never occurred to either of us.'
+
+He knew not how to conceive--that a woman in my situation, unprepossessed,
+could reject so advantageous an establishment!
+
+This, I told him, was indelicate, both to me and to himself. Were my
+situation yet more desolate, I would not marry any man, merely for an
+_establishment_, for whom I did not feel an affection.
+
+Would I please to describe to him the model of perfection which I should
+require in a husband?
+
+It was unnecessary; as I saw no probability of the portrait bearing any
+resemblance to himself.
+
+He reddened, and turned pale, alternately; bit his lips, and muttered to
+himself.--'Damned romantic affectation!'
+
+I assumed a firmer tone--methought he insulted me.--'I beg you will
+leave me, Sir--I chuse to be alone--By what right do you intrude upon my
+retirements?'
+
+My determined accent abashed him:--he tried, but with an ill grace, to
+be humble; and entreated me to take time for consideration.
+
+'There is no need of it. It is a principle with me, not to inflict a
+moment's suspence on any human being, when my own mind is decided.'
+
+'Then you absolutely refuse me, and prefer the being exposed to the mean
+and envious insults of the vulgar mistress of this mansion!'
+
+'Of the two evils, I consider it as the least, because it involves no
+permanent obligation.'
+
+His countenance was convulsed with passion. His love, he told me, was
+converted into vengeance by my scorn: he was not to be contemned with
+impunity; and he warned me to beware.
+
+I smiled, I believe, a little too contemptuously. 'You love me not, Sir;
+I am glad, for your own sake, that you never loved me.'
+
+'My hatred may be more terrible!'
+
+'You cannot intimidate me--I am little accustomed to fear.'
+
+I turned from him somewhat disdainfully: but, instantly recollecting
+myself, I stepped back, and apologized for the harsh manner into which I
+had been betrayed by his abrupt address, vehement expostulation, and the
+previous irritated state of my mind.
+
+'I acknowledge,' said I, 'the disinterestedness of your proposal, and
+the _distinction_ which it implies. Will you allow my own wounded
+feelings to be an excuse for the too little consideration with which I
+have treated _your's_? Can you forgive me?' added I, in a conciliating
+tone, holding out my hand.
+
+The strong emotions, which rapidly succeeded each other in his mind,
+were painted in his countenance. After a moment's hesitation, he
+snatched the hand I offered him, pressed it to his lips, and, murmuring
+a few incoherent words, burst into tears. My spirits were already
+depressed--affected by these marks of his sensibility, and still more
+distressed by the recollection of the pain I had occasioned him by my
+inconsiderate behaviour, I wept with him for some minutes in silence.
+
+'Let us no more,' resumed I, making an effort to recover myself, 'renew
+these impressions. I thank you sincerely for the sympathy you have
+manifested for my situation. I am sensible that I have yielded to weak
+and wayward feelings.--I have youth, health, and activity--I ought
+not--neither do I despair.--The mortifications I have experienced, since
+my residence here, will afford me a useful lesson for the future--they
+have already taught me, what I before merely conjectured, _the value of
+independence_!'
+
+'Why, then,' interrupted he with quickness, 'do you reject an opportunity
+of placing yourself out of the reach of insult?'
+
+'Stop, my good friend,' replied I, smilingly looking in his face; 'there
+is a possibility of exchanging evils. You are yet too young, and too
+unstable, maturely to have weighed the importance of the scheme you
+propose. Remember, likewise, that you are, yourself, in a great measure,
+dependent on the will of your father; and that much reflection is
+requisite before we fetter ourselves with engagements, that, once
+entered into, are not easily dissolved.'
+
+'You allow me, then, to hope!'
+
+'Indeed I meant not to imply any such thing. I wish to soften what I
+have already expressed--but, there are a variety of reasons which oblige
+me to assure you, that I see no probability of changing my sentiments on
+the subject.'
+
+'Why, then, this cruel ostentation? I would either love or hate, bless
+or curse you.'
+
+'You shall do neither, if I can prevent it. If my esteem is of any value
+to you, you must learn to respect both me and yourself.'
+
+'Esteem!--Is that to be my frigid reward!'
+
+'If _mine_ be worthless, propose to yourself _your own_ as a
+recompense.'
+
+'I have already forfeited it, by seeking to move a heart, that triumphs
+in its cold inflexibility.'
+
+'Is this just--is it kind? Is it, indeed, _my welfare_ you seek, while
+you can thus add to the vexations and embarrassment, which were before
+sufficiently oppressive? I would preserve you from an act of precipitation
+and imprudence;--in return, you load me with unmerited reproaches. But
+it is time to put an end to a conversation, that can answer little other
+purpose than vain recrimination.'
+
+He was about to speak--'Say no more--I feel myself, again, in danger
+of losing my temper--my spirits are agitated--I would not give you
+pain--Allow me to retire, and be assured of my best wishes.'
+
+Some of the family appearing in sight, as if advancing towards us,
+favoured my retreat. I quitted the place with precipitation, and retired
+to my chamber, where I sought, by employing myself, to calm the
+perturbation of my heart.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+
+In a few days I renewed my visit to Mrs Harley:--a strong sympathy
+united us, and we became almost inseparable. Every day I discovered in
+this admirable woman a new and indissoluble tie, that bound me to
+her. Her cultivated understanding afforded an inexhaustible fund of
+instruction and entertainment; and her affectionate heart spread a charm
+over her most indifferent actions. We read, we walked, we conversed
+together; but, with whatever subjects these conversations commenced,
+some associated idea always led them to terminate in an eulogium on the
+virtues and talents, or an expression of regret, for the absence of
+Augustus. There was a portrait of him (drawn by a celebrated artist,
+which he had lately sent from town as a present to his mother) hung up
+in the library. I accustomed myself to gaze on this resemblance of a
+man, in whose character I felt so lively an interest, till, I fancied,
+I read in the features all the qualities imputed to the original by a
+tender and partial parent.
+
+Cut off from the society of mankind, and unable to expound my
+sensations, all the strong affections of my soul seemed concentrated to
+a single point. Without being conscious of it, my grateful love for Mrs
+Harley had, already, by a transition easy to be traced by a philosophic
+mind, transferred itself to her son. He was the St Preux, the Emilius of
+my sleeping and waking reveries. I now spent almost my whole time in the
+cottage of my friend, returning to Morton Park late in the evening, and
+quitting it early in the morning, and sometimes being wholly absent for
+weeks together.
+
+Six months thus passed away in tranquillity, with but little variation.
+Mr Montague, during this period, had several times left Mr Morton's, and
+returned again abruptly: his manners became sullen, and even, at times,
+ferocious. I carefully avoided encountering him, fearful of exasperating
+a spirit, that appeared every moment on the verge of excess.
+
+Hastening one evening to my friend, after a longer separation than
+common, (having been prevailed on by Mr Morton and his daughters to
+accompany them on a distant visit, where business of Mr Morton's
+detained us for some days) I ran into the library, as usual, and threw
+myself into the arms of Mrs Harley, that opened spontaneously to receive
+me.
+
+'Ah! you little truant,' said she, in a voice of kindness, 'where have
+you been so long? My son has visited me in your absence; he passed
+through this part of the country, in his way to the seat of a friend.
+He staid with me two days, during which I sent half a dozen messages to
+Morton Park, but you were flown away, it seems, nor could I learn any
+tidings of you. Augustus,' continued she, without observing the emotions
+she excited, 'had scarcely quitted the house an hour when you arrived.'
+
+I made no reply; an unaccountable sensation seized, and oppressed, my
+heart--sinking on the sopha, I burst into a convulsive flood of tears.
+
+My friend was struck: all the indiscretion of her conduct (as she
+has since told me) flashed suddenly into her mind; she felt that, in
+indulging her own maternal sensations, she had, perhaps, done me an
+irreparable injury, and she shuddered at the probable consequences. It
+was some moments before either of us recovered;--our conversation was
+that evening, for the first time, constrained, reserved, and painful;
+and we retired at an early hour to our respective apartments.
+
+I spent the night in self-examination. I was compelled to acknowledge,
+to myself, that solitude, the absence of other impressions, the previous
+circumstances that had operated on my character, my friendship for Mrs
+Harley, and her eloquent, affectionate, reiterated, praises of her son,
+had combined to awaken all the exquisite, though dormant, sensibilities
+of my nature; and, however romantic it might appear to others, and did
+appear even to myself, I felt, that I loved an ideal object (for such
+was Augustus Harley to me) with a tender and fervent excess; an excess,
+perhaps, involving all my future usefulness and welfare. 'People, in
+general,' says Rousseau, 'do not sufficiently consider the influence
+which the first attachments, between man and woman, have over the
+remainder of their lives; they do not perceive, that an impression so
+strong, and so lively, as that of love, is productive of a long chain of
+effects, which pass unobserved in a course of years, yet, nevertheless,
+continue to operate till the day of their deaths.' It was in vain I
+attempted to combat this illusion; my reason was but an auxiliary to
+my passion, it persuaded me, that I was only doing justice to high
+and uncommon worth; imagination lent her aid, and an importunate
+sensibility, panting after good unalloyed, completed the seduction.
+
+From this period Mrs Harley was more guarded in her conduct; she
+carefully avoided the mention of her son.--Under pretence of having an
+alteration made in the frame, she removed his picture from the library;
+but the constraint she put upon herself was too evident and painful;
+we no longer sought, with equal ardour, an interchange of sentiment,
+reserve took place of the tender confidence of friendship; a thousand
+times, while I gazed upon her dear averted countenance, I yearned to
+throw myself upon her bosom, to weep, to unfold to her the inmost
+recesses of my mind--that ingenuous mind, which languished for
+communication, and preyed upon itself! Dear and cruel friend, why did
+you transfix my heart with the barbed and envenomed arrow, and then
+refuse to administer the only healing balsam?
+
+My visits to Mrs Harley became less frequent; I shut myself up whole
+days in my apartment, at Morton Park, or wandered through its now
+leafless groves, absorbed in meditation--fostering the sickly
+sensibility of my soul, and nursing wild, improbable, chimerical,
+visions of felicity, that, touched by the sober wand of truth, would
+have 'melted into thin air.' 'The more desires I have' (observes an
+acute, and profound French Philosopher[4]) 'the less ardent they are.
+The torrents that divide themselves into many branches are the least
+dangerous in their course. A strong passion is a solitary passion, that
+concentrates all our desires within one point.'
+
+      [Footnote 4: Helvetius.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+
+I had not seen my friend for many days, when, on a dark and stormy
+night, in the month of January, between nine and ten o'clock, the family
+at Morton Park were alarmed, by a loud and violent knocking at the hall
+door.
+
+On opening it, a servant appeared--and a chaise, the porter having
+unbolted the great gates, drew up to the door. The man delivered a note
+addressed to Miss Courtney. I was unacquainted with the handwriting, and
+unfolded it with trepidation. It contained but a few lines, written in a
+female character, and signed with the name of a lady, who resided about
+twelve miles from Morton Park, at whose house Mrs Harley sometimes made
+a visit of a few days. It stated--
+
+'That my friend was seized at the mansion of this lady with an
+apoplectic fit, from which she had been restored, after some hours
+of insensibility: that the physicians were apprehensive of a relapse,
+and that Mrs Harley had expressed a desire of seeing Miss Courtney--A
+carriage and servants were sent for her conveyance.'
+
+Mr Morton was from home, his lady made no offer of any of her own
+domestics to accompany me. Montague, who had been at the Park for some
+days past, solicited permission to be my escort. I hesitated a moment,
+and would willingly have declined this proposal, but he repeated and
+enforced it with a vehemence, that, in the present hurried state of
+my mind, I had not spirits to oppose. Shocked, alarmed, distressed, I
+wrapped a shawl round me, and sprang into the chaise. Montague stepped
+in after me, and seated himself by my side; the horses galloped, or
+rather flew down the avenue, that led to the high road.
+
+We travelled with great swiftness, and in uninterrupted silence for
+some miles: the darkness was so thick and profound, that I could not
+discover the road we took, and I began to feel very impatient to arrive
+at the place of our destination. I questioned my companion respecting
+his knowledge of our situation, and expressed an apprehension, that we
+might possibly have missed the way. He made no reply to my interrogation,
+but, starting as if from a reverie, seized my hand, while his own
+trembled with a visible agitation, and began once more to urge a suit,
+which I had hoped the steadiness and consistency of my conduct had
+induced him entirely to relinquish.
+
+'Is this a time, Mr Montague, for an address of this nature--do
+you believe, that my favour is to be gained by these proofs of
+inconsideration? Have some respect for the claims of humanity and
+friendship, and, in seeking my affection, do not forfeit my esteem.'
+
+He was about to reply, and I could perceive by the few words which he
+uttered, and by the tone of his voice, that he struggled, in vain, to
+rein in his quick and irascible spirit; when, in turning a sharp angle
+of the road, the horses took fright at some object, indistinctly seen,
+and ran precipitately down a steep hill, with a velocity that threatened
+immediate destruction.
+
+My companion, forcing open the door, seemed inclined to leap from the
+carriage, but hesitated, as if unwilling to desert me in so imminent a
+danger; I exhorted him to think only of providing for his own safety,
+and, letting down the glasses on the side on which I sat, I resigned
+myself to my fate. In springing from the chaise, by some means, Montague
+entangled his coat in the step--he fell, without clearing it, and I
+felt, with a horror that congealed my blood, the wheel go over him. In
+a few minutes, I perceived a traveller, at the risque of his own life,
+endeavouring to stop the horses--the pole of the chaise striking him
+with great force, he was obliged to relinquish his humane efforts--but
+this impediment occasioning the restive animals to turn out of the road,
+they ran furiously up a bank, and overset the carriage. I felt it going,
+and sitting, with my arms folded, close in the lower corner, fell with
+it, without attempting to struggle, by which means I escaped unhurt.
+
+The stranger, once more, came to our assistance, and, the mettle of the
+horses being now pretty well exhausted, my deliverer was enabled to cut
+the traces, and then hastened to extricate me from my perilous situation.
+It was some time before I recovered myself sufficiently to thank him for
+his humanity, and to assure him, that I had received no other injury
+than from my fears. I then mentioned to him, my apprehensions for the
+fate of my fellow traveller, entreating that he would return with me in
+search of him. With this request he immediately complied, leaving the
+horses in the care of the servants, neither of which had received any
+material hurt.
+
+We soon discovered the unfortunate Montague, lying in the road, in a
+melancholy situation: the wheel had gone over one of his legs, the bone
+of which was broken and splintered in a terrible manner, and, having
+fainted from the pain, we were at first apprehensive that he was already
+dead. Turning from this shocking spectacle, a faint sickness overspread
+my heart, the stranger supported me in his arms, while a violent burst
+of tears preserved me from swooning. My companion examining the body,
+perceived signs of life, and, by our united efforts, sense and
+recollection were soon restored.
+
+I remained with Montague while the stranger returned to the carriage, to
+enquire what damages it had received, and whether it was in a condition
+to proceed to the next village, which, the postilion informed him, was
+near two miles from the spot where the accident had happened, and we were,
+yet, five miles from the place whither we were going. The axle-tree and
+one of the hind wheels, upon examination, were found broken, the traces
+had been cut in pieces, and the horses, had the chaise been in a better
+condition, were so unmanageable, in consequence of their late fright,
+that it would have been dangerous to have attempted putting them again
+into harness.
+
+With this intelligence, our kind friend came back to us--We held a short
+consultation, on the means most proper to be adopted, and, at length it
+was determined, that, after placing Montague in the carriage, where he
+should be sheltered from the inclemency of the elements, and leaving him
+in the charge of the servants, the traveller and myself should walk
+onward to the village, and send a chaise, or litter, for the conveyance
+of our unfortunate companion.
+
+To this proposal Montague assented, at the same time, declaring it to be
+his intention, to proceed directly across the country, to the house of
+his father, which could not, he conjectured, be at any great distance,
+and where he should be assured of meeting with greater attention, and
+more skilful assistance, than at a petty inn, in a paltry village.
+Having thus adjusted our plan, and, with the help of the servants,
+carefully placed Montague in the chaise, we proceeded towards the
+village.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+
+The night was tempestuous, and, though the moon was now rising, her
+light was every moment obscured by dark clouds, discharging frequent
+and heavy showers of rain, accompanied by furious gusts of wind. After
+walking near a mile we entered upon a wide heath, which afforded no
+shelter from the weather. I perceived my companion's steps began to grow
+feeble, and his voice faint. The moon suddenly emerging from a thick
+cloud, I observed his countenance, and methought his features seemed
+familiar to me; but they were overspread by a pallid and death-like hue.
+He stopped suddenly--
+
+'I am very ill,' said he, in a tone of voice that penetrated into my
+soul, 'and can proceed no further.'
+
+He sunk upon the turf. Seating myself beside him, while his head fell
+on my shoulder, I threw around him my supporting arms. His temples were
+bedewed with a cold sweat, and he appeared to be in expiring agonies. A
+violent sickness succeeded, followed by an hemorrhage.
+
+'Gracious God!' I exclaimed, 'you have broken a blood vessel!'
+
+'I fear so,' he replied. 'I have felt strangely disordered since the
+blow I received from the pole of the carriage; but, till this moment, I
+have not been at leisure to attend to my sensations.'
+
+'Do not talk,' cried I, wildly; 'do not exhaust yourself.'
+
+Again the clouds gathered; an impetuous gust of wind swept over the
+heath, and the rain fell in torrents. Unconscious of what I did, I
+clasped the stranger to my throbbing bosom,--the coldness of death
+seemed upon him--I wrapped my shawl around him, vainly attempting
+to screen him from the piercing blast. He spake not; my terrified
+imagination already represented him as a lifeless corpse; I sat
+motionless for some minutes, in the torpor of despair.
+
+From this horrible situation, I was, at length, roused, by the sound
+of a distant team: breathless, I listened for a few moments; I again
+distinctly heard it wafted upon the wind; when, gently reclining my
+charge on the grass, I started from the ground, and ran swiftly towards
+the highway. The sound approached, and the clouds once more breaking,
+and discovering a watery moon-light gleam, I perceived, with joy, a
+waggon loaded with hay. I bounded over a part of the turf that still
+separated me from the road, and accosting the driver, explained to
+him, in a few words, as much of my situation as was necessary; and,
+entreating his assistance, allured him by the hope of a reward.
+
+We returned to my patient; he raised his head on my approach, and
+attempted to speak; but, enjoining him silence, he took my hand, and, by
+a gentle pressure, expressed his sense of my cares more eloquently than
+by words. I assisted the countryman in supporting him to the road. We
+prepared for him, in the waggon, a soft bed of hay, upon which we placed
+him; and, resting his head on my lap, we proceeded gently to the nearest
+village. On our arrival at an indifferent inn, I ordered a bed to be
+immediately prepared for him, and sent a man and horse express, to the
+next town, for medical assistance: at the same time, relating in brief
+the accidents of the night, I dispatched a carriage for the relief of
+Montague, who was conveyed, according to his wishes, to the house of his
+father.
+
+Notwithstanding all my precautions, the moving brought on a relapse of
+the alarming symptoms; the discharge of blood returned with aggravated
+violence, and, when the physician arrived, there appeared in the
+unfortunate sufferer but little signs of life; but by the application of
+styptics and cordials he once more began to revive; and, about five in
+the morning, I was prevailed on, by the joint efforts of the landlady
+and the humane Dr----, to resign my seat at the bed's head to a careful
+servant, and to recruit my exhausted strength by a few hours' repose.
+
+The vivid impressions, which had so rapidly succeeded each other in my
+mind, for some time kept me waking, in a state of feverish agitation;
+but my harrassed spirits were at length relieved by wearied nature's
+kind restorer, and I slept for four hours profoundly.
+
+On waking, my first enquiry was after my companion, in whose state I
+felt an unusual degree of interest; and I heard, with pleasure, that
+the hemorrhage had not returned; that he had rested with apparent
+tranquillity, and appeared revived. I dressed myself hastily, and
+passed into his apartment: he faintly smiled on perceiving my approach,
+and gave me his hand.--The physician had ordered him to be kept quiet,
+and I would not suffer him to speak; but, contemplating more attentively
+his countenance, which had the night before struck me with a confused
+recollection--what were my emotions, on tracing the beloved features of
+Augustus Harley! His resemblance, not only to the portrait, but to his
+mother, could not, as I thought, be mistaken. A universal trembling
+seized me--I hastened out of the apartment with tottering steps, and
+shutting myself into my chamber, a tide of melancholy emotions gushed
+upon my heart. I wept, without knowing wherefore, tears half delicious,
+half agonizing! Quickly coming to myself, I returned to the chamber of
+my patient, (now more tenderly endeared) which, officiating as a nurse
+for five days, I never quitted, except to take necessary rest and
+refreshment.
+
+I had written to Mr Morton a minute account of all that happened, merely
+suppressing the name of my deliverer: to this letter I received no reply;
+but had the pleasure of hearing, on the return of my messenger (who was
+commissioned to make enquiries), that Mrs Harley had suffered no return
+of her disorder, and was daily acquiring health and strength--I feared,
+yet, to acquaint her with the situation of her son; not only on the
+account of her own late critical situation, but, also, lest any sudden
+agitation of spirits from the arrival of his mother, might, in his
+present weak state, be fatal to Augustus.
+
+I now redoubled for him my cares and attentions: he grew hourly better;
+and, when permitted to converse, expressed in lively terms his grateful
+sense of my kindness. Ah! why did I misconstrue these emotions, so
+natural in such circumstances--why did I flatter my heart with the
+belief of a sympathy which did not, could not, exist!
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+
+As my patient began to acquire strength, I demanded of him his name
+and family, that I might inform his friends of his situation. On his
+answering 'Harley,' I enquired, smiling--
+
+If he remembered hearing his mother speak of a little _Protegé_, Emma
+Courtney, whom she favoured with her partial friendship?
+
+'Oh, yes!'--and his curiosity had been strongly awakened to procure a
+sight of this lady.
+
+'Behold her, then, in your nurse!'
+
+'Is it possible!' he exclaimed, taking my hand, and pressing it with his
+lips--'My sister!--my friend!--how shall I ever pay the debt I owe you?'
+
+'We will settle that matter another time; but it is now become proper
+that I should inform your excellent mother of what has happened, which I
+have hitherto delayed, lest surprise should be prejudicial to you, and
+retard your recovery.'
+
+I then recounted to him the particulars of the late occurrences, of
+which he had before but a confused notion; adding my surprise, that I
+had neither seen, nor heard, any thing from Mr Morton.
+
+He informed me, in his turn, that, having received an express, informing
+him of his mother's alarming situation, he immediately quitted the seat
+of his friend, where he was on a visit, to hasten to her; that, for this
+purpose, riding late, he by some means bewildered himself through the
+darkness of the evening, by which mistake he encountered our chaise, and
+he hoped was, in some measure, notwithstanding the accidents which ensued,
+accessary to my preservation.
+
+I quitted him to write to my friend, whom I, at length, judged it
+necessary to acquaint with his situation. On the receipt of my letter,
+she flew to us on the wings of maternal tenderness--folded her beloved
+Augustus, and myself, alternately to her affectionate bosom, calling us
+'her children--her darling children!--I was her guardian angel--_the
+preserver of her son!_--and _he_ only could repay my goodness!' I
+ventured to raise my eyes to him--they met his--mine were humid with
+tears of tenderness: a cloud passed over his brow--he entreated his
+mother to restrain her transports--he was yet too enfeebled to bear
+these emotions. She recollected herself in an instant; and, after again
+embracing him, leaning on my arm, walked out into the air, to relieve
+the tumultuous sensations that pressed upon her heart.
+
+Once more she made me recite, minutely, the late events--strained me in
+her arms, repeatedly calling me--
+
+'Her beloved daughter--the meritorious child of her affections--the
+preserver of her Augustus!'
+
+Every word she uttered sunk deep into my soul, that greedily absorbed
+the delicious poison, prepared for me by the cruel hand of more than
+maternal fondness.
+
+I mentioned to her my having written to Mr Morton, and my astonishment
+at his silence.
+
+He had not yet returned, she informed me, to Morton Park; and intimated,
+that some malicious stories, respecting my sudden disappearance, had
+been circulated by Mrs Morton through the neighbourhood. She had herself
+been under extreme solicitude on my account. It was generally believed,
+from the turn Mrs Morton's malice had given to the affair, that I had
+eloped with Mr Montague:--the accident which had befallen him had been
+rumoured; but the circumstances, and the occasion of it, had been
+variously related. Confiding in my principles, she had waited with
+anxiety for the elucidation of these mysterious accounts; lamenting
+herself as the innocent occasion of them, yet assured they would,
+eventually, prove to my honour. She commended the magnanimity, which her
+partial friendship imputed to my behaviour, with all the enthusiasm of
+affection, and execrated the baseness of Mrs Morton, who, having
+received my letter, must have been acquainted with the real truth.
+
+Her narration gave me many complicated, and painful, sensations; but the
+good opinion of the world, however desirable it may be, as connected
+with our utility, has ever been with me but a secondary consideration.
+Confiding in the rectitude of my own conduct, I composed my spirits;
+depending on that rectitude, and time, for removing the malignant
+aspersions which at present clouded my fame. The tale of slander, the
+basis of which is falsehood, will quietly wear away; and should it
+not--how unfounded, frequently, are the censures of the world--how
+confused its judgments! I entreated my friend to say nothing, at
+present, to her son on this subject; it was yet of importance that his
+mind should be kept still and tranquil.
+
+We rejoined Augustus at the dinner hour, and spent the day together in
+harmony and friendship. The physician calling in the evening, Mrs Harley
+consulted him, whether it would be safe to remove her son, as she was
+impatient to have him under her own roof. To this the doctor made no
+objection, provided he was conveyed in an easy carriage, and by short
+stages. On Mrs Harley's thanking him for his polite and humane attention
+to his patient, smilingly pointing to me, he replied--'Her thanks were
+misplaced.' His look was arch and significant; it called a glow into
+my cheeks. I ventured, once more, to steal a glance at Augustus: his
+features were again overspread with a more than usual seriousness, while
+his eyes seemed designedly averted. Mrs Harley sighed, and, abruptly
+changing the subject, asked the physician an indifferent question, who
+soon after took his leave.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+
+In a few days we returned to the peaceful mansion of my maternal friend.
+Augustus seemed revived by the little journey, while every hour brought
+with it an increase of health and spirits. Mrs Harley would not suffer
+me to speak of going to Morton Park in the absence of its master;
+neither could Augustus spare his kind nurse:--'I must stay,' he added,
+and methought his accents were softened, 'and complete my charitable
+purpose.' My appearance again in the village, the respectability, and
+the testimony, of my friends, cleared my fame; and it was only at Morton
+Park, that any injurious suspicions were affected to be entertained.
+
+The hours flew on downy pinions:--my new _brother_, for so he would
+call himself, endeavoured to testify his gratitude, by encouraging and
+assisting me in the pursuit of learning and science: he gave us lectures
+on astronomy and philosophy--
+
+      'While truths divine came mended from his tongue.'
+
+I applied myself to the languages, and aided by my preceptor, attained
+a general knowledge of the principles, and philosophy, of criticism and
+grammar, and of the rules of composition. Every day brought with it
+the acquisition of some new truth; and our intervals from study were
+employed in music, in drawing, in conversation, in reading the _belles
+lettres_--in--
+
+      'The feast of reason, and the flow of souls.'
+
+The spring was advancing:--we now made little excursions, either on
+horseback, in a chaise, or in a boat on the river, through the adjacent
+country. The fraternal relation, which Augustus had assumed, banished
+restraint, and assisted me in deceiving myself. I drank in large and
+intoxicating draughts of a delicious poison, that had circulated through
+every vein to my heart, before I was aware of its progress. At length,
+part of a conversation, which I accidentally overheard between Mrs Harley
+and her son, recalled me to a temporary recollection.
+
+I was seeking them in the garden, towards the dusk of the evening, and a
+filbert hedge separated us. I heard the voice of my friend, as speaking
+earnestly, and I unconsciously stopped.
+
+'It would be a comfort to my declining years to see you the husband of
+a woman of virtue and sensibility: domestic affections meliorate the
+heart; no one ought to live wholly to himself.'
+
+'Certainly not, neither does any one; but, in the present state of
+society, there are many difficulties and anxieties attending these
+connections: they are a lottery, and the prizes are few. I think,
+perhaps, nearly with you, but my situation is, _in many respects,
+a peculiar one_,'--and he sighed deeply:--Need I enumerate these
+peculiarities to you? Neither do I pretend to have lived so long in
+the world without imbibing many of its prejudices, and catching the
+contagion of its habits.'
+
+'They are unworthy of you.'
+
+'Perhaps so--but we will, if you please, change the subject; this to me
+is not a pleasant one. What is become of my pupil? It is likely to be a
+clear night; let us go in, and prepare for some astronomical
+observations.'
+
+My heart reproved me for listening, I crept back to my chamber--shed
+one tear--heaved a convulsive, struggling, sigh--breathed on my
+handkerchief, applied it to my eyes, and joined my friends in the
+library.
+
+Four months had rapidly passed--'the spot of azure in the cloudy
+sky'--of my destiny. Mr Morton, I was informed, had returned to the
+Park, and Augustus, whose health was now thoroughly restored, talked of
+quitting the country. I advised with my friends, who agreed with me,
+that it was now become proper for me to visit my uncle, and, explaining
+to him the late events, justify my conduct. Mrs Harley and her son
+offered to accompany me; but this, for many reasons, I declined; taking
+my leave of them with a heavy heart, and promising, if I were not kindly
+received, an immediate return.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+
+On my arrival at Mr Morton's, the porter informed me, he was ordered
+by his lady, to deny my entrance. My swelling heart!--a sentiment of
+indignation distended it almost to suffocation.--At this moment, Anne
+tripped lightly through the court-yard, and, seeing me, ran to embrace
+me. I returned her caresses with warmth.
+
+'Ah!' said she, 'you are not, you cannot be, guilty. I have been longing
+to see you, and to hear all that has happened, but it was not permitted
+me.' She added, in a whisper, 'I cannot love my mother, for she torments
+and restrains me--my desire of liberty is stronger than my duty--but I
+shall one day be able to outwit her.'
+
+'Will not your father, my love, allow me to speak with him? I have a
+right to be heard, and I demand his attention.'
+
+'He is in his dressing-room,' said Ann, 'I will slide softly, to him,
+and tell him you are here.'
+
+Away she flew, and one of the footmen presently returned, to conduct me
+to his master. I found him alone, he received me with a grave and severe
+aspect. I related to him, circumstantially, the occurrences which had
+taken place during his absence. My words, my voice, my manner, were
+emphatic--animated with the energy of truth--they extorted, they
+commanded, they, irresistibly, compelled assent. His features softened,
+his eyes glistened, he held out his hand, he was about to speak--he
+hesitated a moment, and sighed. At this instant, Mrs Morton burst into
+the room, with the aspect of a fury--her bloated countenance yet more
+swelled and hideous--I shrunk back involuntarily--she poured forth a
+torrent of abuse and invective. A momentary recollection reassured
+me--waiting till she had exhausted her breath, I turned from her, and
+to her husband, with calm dignity--
+
+'I thank you, Sir, for all the kindness I have received from you--I am
+convinced you do me justice--_for this I do not thank you_, it was a
+duty to which I had a claim, and which you owed, not only to me, but,
+to yourself. My longer continuance in this house, I feel, would be
+improper. For the present, I return to Mrs Harley's, where I shall
+respectfully receive, and maturely weigh, any counsels with which you
+may in future think proper to favour me.'
+
+Mr Morton bowed his head; poor man! his mild spirit was overborne, he
+dared not assert the dictates of his own reason. I hurried out of
+the apartment, and hastily embracing Ann, who awaited me in the hall,
+charging myself with a hundred kisses for Mrs Harley, I took the way to
+the hospitable mansion of my friend.
+
+I had proceeded about half a mile, when I beheld Augustus, advancing
+towards me; he observed my tremulous emotions, and pallid countenance;
+he took my hand, holding it with a gentle pressure, and, throwing
+his other arm round me, supported my faultering steps. His voice
+was the voice of kindness--his words spake assurance, and breathed
+hope--_fallacious hope!_--My heart melted within me--my tremor
+encreased--I dissolved into tears.
+
+'A deserted outcast from society--a desolate orphan--what was to become
+of me--to whom could I fly?'
+
+'Unjust girl! have I then forfeited all your confidence--have you not a
+mother and a friend, who love you--' he stopped--paused--and added 'with
+maternal, with _fraternal_, tenderness? to whom would you go?--remain
+with us, your society will cheer my mother's declining years'--again
+he hesitated,--'I am about to return to town, assure me, that you will
+continue with Mrs Harley--it will soften the pain of separation.'
+
+I struggled for more fortitude--hinted at the narrowness of my fortune--at
+my wish to exert my talents in some way, that should procure me a less
+dependent situation--spoke of my active spirit--of my abhorrence of a
+life of indolence and vacuity.
+
+He insisted on my waving these subjects for the present. 'There would
+be time enough, in future, for their consideration. In the mean while,
+I might go on improving myself, and whether present or absent, might
+depend upon him, for every assistance in his power.'
+
+His soothing kindness, aided by the affectionate attentions of my
+friend, gradually, lulled my mind into tranquillity. My bosom was
+agitated, only, by a slight and sweet emotion--like the gentle
+undulations of the ocean, when the winds, that swept over its ruffled
+surface, are hushed into repose.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+
+
+Another month passed away--every hour, I imbibed, in large draughts, the
+deceitful poison of hope. A few days before that appointed for the
+departure of Augustus, I received a visit from Mr Montague, of whose
+situation, during his confinement, I had made many enquiries, and it
+was with unaffected pleasure that I beheld him perfectly restored to
+health. I introduced him to my friends, who congratulated him upon his
+recovery, and treated him with that polite and cordial hospitality which
+characterized them. He was on his way to Morton Park, and was particular
+in his enquiries respecting the late conduct of the lady of the mansion,
+of which he had heard some confused reports. I could not conceal from
+him our final separation, but, aware of his inflammable temper, I
+endeavoured to soften my recital as far as was consistent with truth and
+justice. It was with difficulty, that our united persuasions induced him
+to restrain his fiery spirit, which broke out into menaces and
+execrations. I represented to him--
+
+'That every thing had been already explained; that the affair had now
+subsided; that a reconciliation was neither probable nor desirable; that
+any interference, on his part, would only tend to mutual exasperation,
+from which I must eventually be the sufferer.'
+
+I extorted from him a promise--that, as he was necessitated to meet Mr
+Morton on business, he would make no allusions to the past--I should be
+mortified, (I added) by having it supposed, that I stood in need of a
+_champion_.--Mr Morton had no doubts of the rectitude of my conduct, and
+it would be barbarous to involve him in a perpetual domestic warfare.
+
+Mr Montague, at the request of Augustus, spent that day, and the next,
+with us. I thought, I perceived, that he regarded Mr Harley with a
+scrutinizing eye, and observed my respect for, and attention to, him,
+with jealous apprehension. Before his departure, he requested half an
+hour's conversation with me alone, with which request I immediately
+complied, and withdrew with him into an adjoining compartment. He
+informed me--
+
+'That he was going to London to pursue his medical studies--that, on his
+return, his father had proposed to establish him in his profession--that
+his prospects were very favourable, and that he should esteem himself
+completely happy if he might, yet, hope to soften my heart in his
+favour, and to place me in a more assured and tranquil position.'
+
+I breathed a heavy sigh, and sunk into a melancholy reverie.
+
+'Speak to me, Emma,' said he, with impatience, 'and relieve the anxiety
+I suffer.'
+
+'Alas! What can I say?'
+
+'Say, that you will try to love me, that you will reward my faith and
+perseverance.'
+
+'Would to God, I could'--I hesitated--my eyes filled with tears--'Go to
+London,' resumed I; 'a thousand new objects will there quickly obliterate
+from your remembrance a romantic and ill-fated attachment, to which
+retirement, and the want of other impression, has given birth, and which
+owes its strength merely to opposition.'
+
+'As that opposition,' retorted he, 'is the offspring of pride and
+insensibility--'
+
+I looked at him with a mournful air--'Do not reproach me, Montague, my
+situation is far more pitiable than yours. _I am, indeed, unhappy_,'
+--added I, after a pause; 'I, like you, am the victim of a raised, of, I
+fear, a distempered imagination.'
+
+He eagerly entreated me to explain myself.
+
+'I will not attempt to deceive you--I should accuse myself, were I to
+preserve any sentiment, however delicate its nature, that might tend
+to remove your present illusion. It is, I confess, with extreme
+reluctance--with real pain'--I trembled--my voice faultered, and I felt
+my colour vary--'that I constrain myself to acknowledge a hopeless, an
+extravagant'--I stopped, unable to proceed.
+
+Fire flashed from his eyes, he started from his seat, and took two or
+three hasty strides across the room.
+
+'I understand you, but too well--Augustus Harley shall dispute with me a
+prize'--
+
+'Stop, Sir, be not unjust--make not an ungenerous return to the
+confidence I have reposed in you. Respect the violence which, on your
+account, I have done to my own feelings. I own, that I have not been
+able to defend my heart against the accomplishments and high qualities
+of Mr Harley--I respected his virtues and attainments, and, by a too
+easy transition--at length--_loved his person_. But my tenderness is a
+secret to all the world but yourself--It has not met with'--a burning
+blush suffused my cheek--'It has little hope of meeting, a return. To
+your _honor_ I have confided this cherished _secret_--dare you betray my
+confidence? I know, you dare not!'
+
+He seemed affected--his mind appeared torn by a variety of conflicting
+emotions, that struggled for victory--he walked towards me, and again to
+the door, several times. I approached him--I gave him my hand--
+
+'Adieu, Montague,' said I, in a softened accent--'Be assured of my
+sympathy--of my esteem--of my best wishes! When you can meet me with
+calmness, I shall rejoice to see you--_as a friend_. Amidst some excesses,
+I perceive the seeds of real worth in your character, cultivate them,
+they may yield a noble harvest. I shall not be forgetful of the
+distinction you have shewn me, _when almost a deserted orphan_--Once
+again--farewel, my friend, and--may God bless you!'
+
+I precipitately withdrew my hand from his, and rushed out of the room. I
+retired to my chamber, and it was some hours before my spirits became
+sufficiently composed to allow me to rejoin my friends. On meeting
+them, Mrs Harley mentioned, with some surprize, the abrupt departure of
+Montague, who had quitted the house, without taking leave of its owners,
+by whom he had been so politely received.
+
+'He is a fine young man,' added she, 'but appears to be very eccentric.'
+
+Augustus was silent, but fixed his penetrating eyes on my face, with an
+expression that covered me with confusion.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+
+The day fixed for the departure of Mr Harley, for London, now drew
+near--I had anticipated this period with the most cruel inquietude. I
+was going to lose, perhaps for ever, my preceptor, my friend! He, from
+whom my mind had acquired knowledge, and in whose presence my heart had
+rested satisfied. I had hitherto scarcely formed a wish beyond that of
+daily beholding, and listening to him--I was now to gaze on that beloved
+countenance, to listen to those soothing accents, no longer. He was
+about to mix in the gay world--to lose in the hurry of business, or of
+pleasure, the remembrance of those tender, rational, tranquil, moments,
+sacred to virtue and friendship, that had left an indelible impression
+on my heart. Could I, indeed, flatter myself, that the idea of the timid,
+affectionate, Emma, would ever recur to his mind in the tumultuous
+scenes of the crouded metropolis, it would doubtless quickly be effaced,
+and lost in the multiplicity of engagements and avocations. How should
+I, buried in solitude and silence, recall it to his recollection, how
+contrive to mingle it with his thoughts, and entangle it with his
+associations? Ah! did he but know my tenderness--_the desire of being
+beloved_, of inspiring sympathy, is congenial to the human heart--why
+should I hesitate to inform him of my affection--why do I blush and
+tremble at the mere idea? It is a false shame! It is a pernicious system
+of morals, which teaches us that hypocrisy can be virtue! He is well
+acquainted with the purity, and with the sincerity, of my heart--he will
+at least regard me with esteem and tender pity--and how often has 'pity
+melted the soul to love!' The experiment is, surely, innocent, and
+little hazardous. What I have to apprehend? Can I distrust, for a
+moment, those principles of rectitude, of honour, of goodness, which
+gave birth to my affection? Have I not witnessed his humanity, have I
+not experienced his delicacy, in a thousand instances? Though he should
+be obliged to wound, he is incapable of insulting, the heart that loves
+him; and that, loving him, believed, alas! for a long time, _that it
+loved only virtue_!
+
+The morning of our separation, at last, arrived. My friend, too much
+indisposed to attend the breakfast table, took leave of her son in her
+own apartment. I awaited him, in the library, with a beating heart, and,
+on his departure, put into his hands a paper.--
+
+'Read it not,' said I, in a low and almost inarticulate tone of voice,
+'till arrived at the end of your journey; or, at least, till you are ten
+miles from hence.'
+
+He received it in silence; but it was a silence more expressive than
+words.
+
+
+      'Suffer me,' it said, 'for a few moments, to solicit your
+      candour and attention. You are the only man in the world, to
+      whom I could venture to confide sentiments, that to many
+      would be inconceivable; and by those, who are unacquainted
+      with the human mind, and the variety of circumstances by
+      which characters are variously impressed and formed--who are
+      accustomed to consider mankind in masses--who have been used
+      to bend implicitly, to custom and prescription--the deviation
+      of a solitary individual from _rules_ sanctioned by usage, by
+      prejudice, by expediency, would be regarded as romantic. I
+      frankly avow, while my cheeks glow with the blushes of
+      _modesty_, not of shame, that your virtues and accomplishments
+      have excited in my bosom an affection, as pure as the motives
+      which gave it birth, and as animated as it is pure.--This
+      ingenuous avowal may perhaps affect, but will scarcely (I
+      suspect) surprise, you; for, incapable of dissimulation,
+      the emotions of my mind are ever but too apparent in my
+      expressions, and in my conduct, to deceive a less penetrating
+      eye than yours--neither have I been solicitous to disguise
+      them.
+
+      'It has been observed, that,' "the strength of an affection
+      is generally in the same proportion, as the character of the
+      species, in the object beloved, is lost in that of the
+      individual,"[5] and, that individuality of character is the
+      only fastener of the affections. It is certain, however
+      singular it may appear, that many months before we became
+      personally acquainted, the report of your worth and high
+      qualities had generated in my mind, an esteem and reverence,
+      which has gradually ripened into a tenderness, that has, at
+      length, mixed itself with all my associations, and is become
+      interwoven with every fibre of my heart.
+
+         [Footnote 5: Wolstonecraft's Rights of Woman.]
+
+      'I have reflected, again and again, on the imprudence of
+      cherishing an attachment, which a variety of circumstances
+      combine to render so unpromising, and--What shall I say?--So
+      peculiar is the constitution of my mind, that those very
+      circumstances have had a tendency directly opposite to what
+      might reasonably have been expected; and have only served to
+      render the sentiment, I have delighted to foster, more
+      affecting and interesting.--Yes! I am aware of the tenure
+      upon which you retain your fortunes--of the cruel and
+      unnatural conditions imposed on you by the capricious
+      testator: neither can I require a sacrifice which I am unable
+      to recompence. But while these melancholy convictions
+      deprive me of hope, they encourage me, by proving the
+      disinterestedness of my attachment, to relieve my heart by
+      communication.--Mine is a whimsical pride, which dreads
+      nothing so much as the imputation of sordid, or sinister
+      motives. Remember, then--should we never meet again--if in
+      future periods you should find, that the friendship of the
+      world is--"a shade that follows wealth and fame;"--if,
+      where you have conferred obligations, you are repaid
+      with ingratitude--where you have placed confidence, with
+      treachery--and where you have a claim to zeal, with coldness!
+      Remember, _that you have once been beloved, for yourself
+      alone_, by one, who, in contributing to the comfort of your
+      life, would have found the happiness of her own.
+
+      'Is it possible that a mind like yours, neither hardened by
+      prosperity, nor debased by fashionable levity--which vice has
+      not corrupted, nor ignorance brutalized--can be wholly
+      insensible to the balmy sweetness, which natural,
+      unsophisticated, affections, shed through the human heart?
+
+       "Shall those by heaven's own influence join'd,
+        By feeling, sympathy, and mind,
+        The sacred voice of truth deny,
+        And mock the mandate of the sky?"
+
+'But I check my pen:--I am no longer--
+
+        "The hope-flush'd enterer on the stage of life."
+
+      'The dreams of youth, chaced by premature reflection, have
+      given place to soberer, to sadder, conclusions; and while I
+      acknowledge, that it would be inexpressibly soothing to me
+      to believe, that in happier circumstances, my artless
+      affection might have awakened in your mind a sympathetic
+      tenderness:--this is the extent of my hopes!--I recollect you
+      once told me "It was our duty to make our reason conquer the
+      sensibility of our heart." Yet, why? Is, then, apathy the
+      perfection of our nature--and is not that nature refined and
+      harmonized by the gentle and social affections? The Being who
+      gave to the mind its reason, gave also to the heart its
+      sensibility.
+
+      'I make no apologies for, because I feel no consciousness of,
+      weakness. An attachment sanctioned by nature, reason, and
+      virtue, ennoble the mind capable of conceiving and cherishing
+      it: of such an attachment a corrupt heart is utterly
+      incapable.
+
+      'You may tell me, perhaps, "that the portrait on which my
+      fancy has dwelt enamoured, owes all its graces, its glowing
+      colouring--like the ideal beauty of the ancient artists--to
+      the imagination capable of sketching the dangerous
+      picture."--Allowing this, for a moment, _the sentiments it
+      inspires are not the less genuine_; and without some degree
+      of illusion, and enthusiasm, all that refines, exalts,
+      softens, embellishes, life--genius, virtue, love itself,
+      languishes. But, on this subject, my opinions have not been
+      lightly formed:--it is not to the personal graces, though
+      "the body charms, because the mind is seen," but to the
+      virtues and talents of the individual (for without intellect,
+      virtue is an empty name), that my heart does homage; and,
+      were I never again to behold you--were you even the husband
+      of another--my tenderness (a tenderness as innocent as it is
+      lively) would never cease!
+
+      'But, methinks, I hear you say,--"Whither does all this tend,
+      and what end does it propose?" Alas! this is a question I
+      scarcely dare to ask myself!--Yet, allow me to request, that
+      you will make me one promise, and resolve me one
+      question:--ah! do not evade this enquiry; for much it imports
+      me to have an explicit reply, lest, in indulging my own
+      feelings, I should, unconsciously, plant a thorn in the bosom
+      of another:--_Is your heart, at present, free?_ Or should
+      you, in future, form a tender engagement, tell me, that I
+      shall receive the first intimation of it from yourself; and,
+      in the assurance of your happiness, I will learn to forget my
+      own.
+
+      'I aspire to no higher title than that of the most faithful
+      of your friends, and the wish of becoming worthy of your
+      esteem and confidence shall afford me a motive for
+      improvement. I will learn of you moderation, equanimity, and
+      self-command, and you will, perhaps, continue to afford me
+      direction, and assistance, in the pursuit of knowledge and
+      truth.
+
+      'I have laid down my pen, again and again, and still taken it
+      up to add something more, from an anxiety, lest even you, of
+      whose delicacy I have experienced repeated proofs, should
+      misconstrue me.--"Oh! what a world is this!--into what false
+      habits has it fallen! Can hypocrisy be virtue? Can a desire
+      to call forth all the best affections of the heart, be
+      misconstrued into something too degrading for expression?"[6]
+      But I will banish these apprehensions; I am convinced they
+      are injurious.
+
+      'Yes!--I repeat it--I relinquish my pen with reluctance. A
+      melancholy satisfaction, from what source I can scarcely
+      define, diffuses itself through my heart while I unfold to
+      you its emotions.--Write to me; be _ingenuous_; I desire, I
+      call for, truth!
+
+                                                        'EMMA.'
+
+
+         [Footnote 6: Holcroft's Anna St Ives.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+
+
+I had not courage to make my friend a confident of the step I had taken;
+so wild, and so romantic, did it appear, even to myself--a false pride,
+a false shame, with-held me. I brooded in silence over the sentiment,
+that preyed on the bosom which cherished it. Every morning dawned with
+expectation, and every evening closed in disappointment. I walked
+daily to the post-office, with precipitate steps and a throbbing heart,
+to enquire for letters, but in vain; and returned slow, dejected,
+spiritless. _Hope_, one hour, animated my bosom and flushed my cheek;
+the next, pale despair shed its torpid influence through my languid
+frame. Inquietude, at length, gradually gave place to despondency, and
+I sunk into lassitude.
+
+My studies no longer afforded me any pleasure. I turned over my books,
+incapable of fixing my attention; took out my drawings, threw them
+aside; moved, restless and dissatisfied, from seat to seat; sought, with
+unconscious steps, the library, and, throwing myself on the sopha, with
+folded arms, fixed my eyes on the picture of Augustus, which had lately
+been replaced, and sunk into waking dreams of ideal perfection and
+visionary bliss. I gazed on the lifeless features, engraven on my heart
+in colours yet more true and vivid--but where was the benignant smile,
+the intelligent glance, the varying expression? Where the pleasant
+voice, whose accents had been melody in my ear; that had cheered me in
+sadness, dispelled the vapours of distrust and melancholy, and awakened
+my emulation for science and improvement? Starting from a train of
+poignant and distressing emotions, I fled from an apartment once so
+dear, presenting now but the ghosts of departed pleasures--fled into the
+woods, and buried myself in their deepest recesses; or, shutting myself
+in my chamber, avoided the sight of my friend, whose dejected
+countenance but the more forcibly reminded me--
+
+  'That such things were, and were most dear.'
+
+In this state of mind, looking one day over my papers, without any known
+end in view, I accidentally opened a letter from Mr Francis (with whom I
+still continued, occasionally, to correspond), which I had recently
+received. I eagerly seized, and re-perused, it. My spirits were weakened;
+the kindness which it expressed affected me--it touched my heart--it
+excited my tears. I determined instantly to reply to it, and to
+acknowledge my sense of his goodness.
+
+My mind was overwhelmed with the pressure of its own thoughts; a gleam
+of joy darted through the thick mists that pervaded it; communication
+would relieve the burthen. I took up my pen; and, though I dared not
+betray the fatal secret concealed, as a sacred treasure, in the bottom
+of my heart, I yet gave a loose to, I endeavoured to paint, its
+sensations.
+
+After briefly sketching the events that had driven me from Morton Park
+(of which I had not hitherto judged it necessary to inform him), without
+hinting the name of my deliverer, or suffering myself to dwell on the
+services he had rendered me, I mentioned my present temporary residence
+at the house of a friend, and expressed an impatience at my solitary,
+inactive, situation.
+
+I went on--
+
+
+      'To what purpose should I trouble you with a thousand
+      wayward, contradictory, ideas and emotions, that I am,
+      myself, unable to disentangle--which have, perhaps, floated
+      in every mind, that has had leisure for reflection--which
+      are distinguished by no originality, and which I may express
+      (though not feel) without force? I sought to cultivate my
+      understanding, and exercise my reason, that, by adding
+      variety to my resources, I might increase the number of my
+      enjoyments: for _happiness_ is, surely, the only desirable
+      _end_ of existence! But when I ask myself, Whether I am
+      yet nearer to the end proposed?--I dare not deceive
+      myself--sincerity obliges me to answer in the negative. I
+      daily perceive the gay and the frivolous, among my sex,
+      amused with every passing trifle; gratified by the insipid
+      _routine_ of heartless, mindless, intercourse; fully
+      occupied, alternately, by domestic employment, or the
+      childish vanity of varying external ornaments, and "hanging
+      drapery on a smooth block." I do not affect to despise, and
+      I regularly practise, the necessary avocations of my sex;
+      neither am I superior to their vanities. The habits acquired
+      by early precept and example adhere tenaciously; and are
+      never, perhaps, entirely eradicated. But all these are
+      insufficient to engross, to satisfy, the active, aspiring,
+      mind. Hemmed in on every side by the constitutions of
+      society, and not less so, it may be, by my own prejudices--I
+      perceive, indignantly perceive, the magic circle, without
+      knowing how to dissolve the powerful spell. While men pursue
+      interest, honor, pleasure, as accords with their several
+      dispositions, women, who have too much delicacy, sense,
+      and spirit, to degrade themselves by the vilest of all
+      interchanges, remain insulated beings, and must be content
+      tamely to look on, without taking any part in the great,
+      though often absurd and tragical, drama of life. Hence the
+      eccentricities of conduct, with which women of superior
+      minds have been accused--the struggles, the despairing
+      though generous struggles, of an ardent spirit, denied a
+      scope for its exertions! The strong feelings, and strong
+      energies, which properly directed, in a field sufficiently
+      wide, might--ah! what might they not have aided? forced
+      back, and pent up, ravage and destroy the mind which gave
+      them birth!
+
+      'Yes, I confess, _I am unhappy_, unhappy in proportion as I
+      believe myself (it may be, erringly) improved. Philosophy,
+      it is said, should regulate the feelings, but it has added
+      fervor to mine! What are passions, but another name for
+      powers? The mind capable of receiving the most forcible
+      impressions is the sublimely improveable mind! Yet, into
+      whatever trains such minds are accidentally directed, they
+      are prone to enthusiasm, while the vulgar stupidly wonder at
+      the effects of powers, to them wholly inconceivable: the
+      weak and the timid, easily discouraged, are induced, by the
+      first failure, to relinquish their pursuits. "They make the
+      impossibility they fear!" But the bold and the persevering,
+      from repeated disappointment, derive only new ardor and
+      activity. "They conquer difficulties, by daring to attempt
+      them."
+
+      'I feel, that I am writing in a desultory manner, that I am
+      unable to crowd my ideas into the compass of a letter, and,
+      that could I do so, I should perhaps only weary you. There
+      are but few persons to whom I would venture to complain, few
+      would understand, and still fewer sympathise with me. You
+      are in health, they would say, in the spring of life, have
+      every thing supplied you without labour (so much the worse)
+      nature, reason, open to you their treasures! All this is,
+      partly, true--but, with inexpressible yearnings, my soul
+      pants for something more, something higher! The morning
+      rises upon me with sadness, and the evening closes with
+      disgust--Imperfection, uncertainty, is impressed on every
+      object, on every pursuit! I am either restless or torpid, I
+      seek to-day, what to-morrow, wearies and offends me.
+
+      'I entered life, flushed with hope--I have proceeded but a
+      few steps, and the parterre of roses, viewed in distant
+      prospect, nearer seen, proves a brake of thorns. The few
+      worthy persons I have known appear, to me, to be struggling
+      with the same half suppressed emotions.--Whence is all this?
+      Why is intellect and virtue so far from conferring happiness?
+      Why is the active mind a prey to the incessant conflict
+      between truth and error? Shall I look beyond the disorders
+      which, _here_, appear to me so inexplicable?--shall I
+      expect, shall I demand, from the inscrutable Being to whom I
+      owe my existence, in future unconceived periods, the _end_
+      of which I believe myself capable, and which capacity, like
+      a tormenting _ignis fatuus_, has hitherto served only to
+      torture and betray? The animal rises up to satisfy the
+      cravings of nature, and lies down to repose, undisturbed by
+      care--has man superior powers, only to make him pre-eminently
+      wretched?--wretched, it seems to me, in proportion as he
+      rises? Assist me, in disentangling my bewildered ideas--write
+      to me--reprove me--spare me not!
+
+                                                         'EMMA.'
+
+
+To this letter I quickly received a kind and consolatory reply, though
+not unmingled with the reproof I called for. It afforded me but a
+temporary relief, and I once more sunk into inanity; my faculties rusted
+for want of exercise, my reason grew feeble, and my imagination morbid.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+
+
+A pacquet of letters, at length, arrived from London--Mrs Harley, with
+a look that seemed to search the soul, put one into my hands--The
+superscription bore the well known characters--yes, it was from
+Augustus, and addressed to Emma--I ran, with it, into my chamber, locked
+myself in, tore it almost asunder with a tremulous hand, perused its
+contents with avidity--scarce daring to respire--I reperused it again
+and again.
+
+
+      'I had trusted my confessions' (it said) 'to one who had
+      made the human heart his study, who could not be affected
+      by them improperly. It spoke of the illusions of the
+      passions--of the false and flattering medium through which
+      they presented objects to our view. He had answered my
+      letter earlier, had it not involved him in too many thoughts
+      to do it with ease. There was a great part of it to which he
+      knew not how to reply--perhaps, on some subjects, it was not
+      necessary to be explicit. And now, it may be, he had better
+      be silent--he was dissatisfied with what he had written,
+      but, were he to write again, he doubted if he should please
+      himself any better.--He was highly flattered by the
+      favourable opinion I entertained of him, it was a grateful
+      proof, not of his merit, but of the warmth of my friendship,
+      &c. &c.'
+
+
+This letter appeared to me vague, obscure, enigmatical. Unsatisfied,
+disappointed, I felt, I had little to hope--and, yet, had no _distinct_
+ground of fear. I brooded over it, I tortured its meaning into a hundred
+forms--I spake of it to my friend, but in general terms, in which she
+seemed to acquiesce: she appeared to have made a determination, not to
+enquire after what I was unwilling to disclose; she wholly confided
+both in my principles, and in those of her son: I was wounded by what,
+entangled in prejudice, I conceived to be a necessity for this reserve.
+
+Again I addressed the man, whose image, in the absence of all other
+impressions, I had suffered to gain in my mind this dangerous
+ascendency.
+
+
+      TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY.
+
+      'I, once more, take up my pen with a mind so full of
+      thought, that I foresee I am about to trespass on your time
+      and patience--yet, perhaps, to one who makes "the human
+      heart his study," it may not be wholly uninteresting to
+      trace a faithful delineation of the emotions and sentiments
+      of an ingenuous, uncorrupted, mind--a mind formed by
+      solitude, and habits of reflection, to some strength of
+      character.
+
+      'If to have been more guarded and reserved would have been
+      more discreet, I have already forfeited all claim to this
+      discretion--to affect it now, would be vain, and, by
+      pursuing a middle course, I should resign the only advantage
+      I may ever derive from my sincerity, the advantage of
+      expressing my thoughts and feelings with freedom.
+
+      'The conduct, which I have been led to adopt, has been the
+      result of a combination of peculiar circumstances, _and is
+      not what I would recommend to general imitation_--To say
+      nothing of the hazards it might involve, I am aware,
+      generally speaking, arguments might be adduced, to prove,
+      that certain customs, of which I, yet, think there is reason
+      to complain, may not have been unfounded in nature--I am led
+      to speak thus, because I am not willing to spare myself, but
+      would alledge all which you might have felt inclined to
+      hint, had you not been with-held by motives of delicate
+      consideration.
+
+      'Of what then, you may ask, do I complain?--Not of the laws
+      of nature! But when mind has given dignity to natural
+      affections; when reason, culture, taste, and delicacy, have
+      combined to chasten, to refine, to exalt (shall I say) to
+      sanctity them--Is there, then, no cause to complain of rigor
+      and severity, that such minds must either passively submit
+      to a vile traffic, or be content to relinquish all the
+      endearing sympathies of life? Nature has formed woman
+      peculiarly susceptible of the tender affections. "The voice
+      of nature is too strong to be silenced by artificial
+      precepts." To feel these affections in a supreme degree,
+      a mind enriched by literature and expanded by fancy
+      and reflection, is necessary--for it is intellect and
+      imagination only, that can give energy and interest to--
+
+        "The thousand soft sensations--
+         Which vulgar souls want faculties to taste,
+         Who take their good and evil in the gross."
+
+      'I wish we were in the vehicular state, and that you
+      understood the sentient language;[7] you might then
+      comprehend the whole of what I mean to express, but find too
+      delicate for _words_. But I do you injustice.
+
+         [Footnote 7: See Light of Nature pursued. An entertaining
+         philosophical work.]
+
+      'If the affections are, indeed, generated by sympathy, where
+      the principles, pursuits, and habits, are congenial--where
+      the _end_, sought to be attained, is--
+
+        "Something, than beauty dearer,"
+
+      'You may, perhaps, agree with me, that it is almost
+      indifferent on which side the sentiment originates. Yet, I
+      confess, my frankness has involved me in many after thoughts
+      and inquietudes; inquietudes, which all my reasoning is, at
+      times, insufficient to allay. The shame of being singular,
+      it has been justly observed,[8] requires strong principles,
+      and much native firmness of temper, to surmount.--Those who
+      deviate from the beaten track must expect to be entangled in
+      the thicket, and wounded by many a thorn--my wandering feet
+      have already been deeply pierced.
+
+         [Footnote 8: Aikin's Letters.]
+
+      'I should vainly attempt to describe the struggles, the
+      solicitudes, the doubts, the apprehensions, that alternately
+      rend my heart! I feel, that I have "put to sea upon a
+      shattered plank, and placed my trust in miracles for
+      safety." I dread, one moment, lest, in attempting to awaken
+      your tenderness, I may have forfeited your respect; the
+      next, that I have mistaken a delusive meteor for the sober
+      light of reason. In retirement, numberless contradictory
+      emotions revolve in my disturbed mind:--in company, I start
+      and shudder from accidental allusions, in which no one but
+      myself could trace any application. The end of doubt is the
+      beginning of repose. Say, then, to me, that it is a
+      principle in human nature, however ungenerous, to esteem
+      lightly what may be attained without difficulty.--Tell me to
+      make distinctions between love and friendship, of which I
+      have, hitherto, been able to form no idea.--Say, that the
+      former is the caprice of fancy, founded on external graces,
+      to which I have little pretension, and that it is vain to
+      pretend, that--
+
+        "Truth and good are one,
+         And beauty dwells with them."
+
+      'Tell me, that I have indulged too long the wild and
+      extravagant chimeras of a romantic imagination. Let us walk
+      together into the palace of Truth, where (it is fancifully
+      related by an ingenious writer,[9] that) every one was
+      compelled by an irresistible, controuling, power, to reveal
+      his inmost sentiments! All this I will bear, and will still
+      respect your integrity, and confide in your principles; but
+      I can no longer sustain a suspense that preys upon my
+      spirits. It is not the Book of Fate--it is your mind, only,
+      I desire to read. A sickly apprehension overspreads my
+      heart--I pause here, unable to proceed.'
+
+                                                         'EMMA.'
+
+
+         [Footnote 9: Madame de Genlis's Tales of the Castle.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+
+
+Week after week, month after month, passed away in the anguish of
+vain expectation: my letter was not answered, and I again sunk into
+despondency.--Winter drew near. I shuddered at the approach of this
+dreary and desolate season, when I was roused by the receipt of a letter
+from one of the daughters of the maternal aunt, under whose care I had
+spent the happy, thoughtless, days of childhood. My cousin informed me--
+
+
+      'That she had married an officer in the East India service;
+      that soon after their union he was ordered abroad, and
+      stationed in Bengal for three years, during which period she
+      was to remain in a commodious and pleasant house, situated
+      in the vicinity of the metropolis. She had been informed of
+      my removal from Morton Park, and had no doubt but I should
+      be able to give a satisfactory account of the occasion of
+      that removal. She purposed, during the absence of her husband,
+      to let out a part of her house; and should I not be fixed
+      in my present residence, would be happy to accommodate me
+      with an apartment, on terms that should be rather dictated
+      by friendship than interest. She also hinted, that a
+      neighbouring lady, of respectable character, would be glad to
+      avail herself of the occasional assistance of an accomplished
+      woman in the education of her daughters; that she had
+      mentioned me to her in advantageous terms, conceiving that I
+      should have no objection, by such a means, to exercise my
+      talents, to render myself useful, and to augment my small
+      income.'
+
+
+This intelligence filled me with delight: the idea of change, of
+exertion, of new scenes--shall I add, _of breathing the same air with
+Augustus_, rushed tumultuously through my imagination. Flying eagerly to
+my friend, to impart these tidings, I was not aware of the ungrateful
+and inconsiderate appearance which these exultations must give me in her
+eyes, till I perceived the starting tear.--It touched, it electrified,
+my heart; and, throwing myself into her arms, I caught the soft
+contagion, and wept aloud.
+
+'Go, Emma--my daughter,' said this excellent woman; 'I banish the
+selfish regret that would prompt me to detain you. I perceive this
+solitude is destructive to thy ardent mind. Go, vary your impressions,
+and expand your sensations; gladden me only from time to time with an
+account of your progress and welfare.'
+
+I had but little preparation to make. I canvassed over, with my friend,
+a thousand plans, and formed as many expectations and conjectures; but
+they all secretly tended to one point, and concentrated in one object. I
+gave my cousin notice that I should be with her in a few days--settled
+a future correspondence with my friend--embraced her, at parting, with
+unfeigned, and tender, sorrow--and, placing myself in a stage-coach,
+that passed daily through the village, took the road, once more, with
+a fluttering heart, to London. We travelled all night--it was cold and
+dreary--but my fancy was busied with various images, and my bosom
+throbbing with lively, though indistinct sensations.
+
+The next day, at noon, I arrived, without accident, at the residence of
+my relation, Mrs Denbeigh. She received me with unaffected cordiality:
+our former amity was renewed; we spent the evening together, recalling
+past scenes; and, on retiring, I was shewn into a neat chamber, which
+had been prepared for me, with a light closet adjoining. The next day,
+I was introduced to the lady, mentioned to me by my kind hostess, and
+agreed to devote three mornings in the week to the instruction of the
+young ladies (her daughters), in various branches of education.
+
+
+
+
+_Memoirs of Emma Courtney_
+
+
+
+
+VOLUME II
+
+
+
+
+TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY
+
+
+      'My friend, my son, it is for your benefit, that I have
+      determined on reviewing the sentiments, and the incidents,
+      of my past life. Cold declamation can avail but little
+      towards the reformation of our errors. It is by tracing, by
+      developing, the passions in the minds of others; tracing
+      them, from the seeds by which they have been generated,
+      through all their extended consequences, that we learn, the
+      more effectually, to regulate and to subdue our own.
+
+      'I repeat, it will cost me some pain to be ingenuous in the
+      recital which I have pledged myself to give you; even in the
+      moment when I resume my pen, prejudice continues to struggle
+      with principle, and I feel an inclination to retract. While
+      unfolding a series of error and mortification, I tremble,
+      lest, in warning you to shun the rocks and quicksands amidst
+      which my little bark has foundered, I should forfeit your
+      respect and esteem, the pride, and the comfort, of my
+      declining years. But you are deeply interested in my
+      narrative, you tell me, and you entreat me to proceed.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+
+Change of scene, regular employment, attention to my pupils, and the
+conscious pride of independence, afforded a temporary relief to my
+spirits. My first care, on my arrival in town, was to gladden the mind
+of my dear benefactress, by a minute detail of the present comforts and
+occupations.
+
+She had charged me with affectionate remembrance and letters to her son.
+I enclosed these letters; and, after informing him (in the cover) of
+the change of my situation, and the incident which had occasioned it,
+complained of the silence he had observed towards my last letter.
+
+
+      --'If,' said I, 'from having observed the social and
+      sympathetic nature of our feelings and affections, I
+      suffered myself to yield, involuntarily, to the soothing
+      idea, that the ingenuous avowal of an attachment so tender,
+      so sincere, so artless, as mine, could not have been
+      unaffecting to a mind with which my own proudly claimed
+      kindred:--if I fondly believed, that simplicity, modesty,
+      truth--the eye beaming with sensibility, the cheek mantling
+      with the glow of affection, the features softened, the
+      accents modulated, by ineffable tenderness, might, in the
+      eyes of a virtuous man, have supplied the place of more
+      dazzling accomplishments, and more seductive charms: if I
+      over-rated my own merit, and my own powers--surely my
+      mistakes were sufficiently humiliating! You should not,
+      indeed you should not, have obliged me to arrive at the
+      conviction through a series of deductions so full of
+      mortification and anguish. You are too well acquainted with
+      the human heart not to be sensible, that no certainty can
+      equal the misery of conjecture, in a mind of ardour--the
+      agonizing images which _suspense_ forces upon the tender
+      and sensible heart! You should have written, in pity to the
+      situation of my mind. I would have thanked you for being
+      ingenuous, even though, like Hamlet, you had _spoke
+      daggers_. I expected it, from your character, and I had a
+      claim to your sincerity.
+
+      'But it is past!--the vision is dissolved! The barbed arrow
+      is not extracted with more pain, than the enchantments of
+      hope from the ardent and sanguine spirit! But why am I to
+      lose your friendship? My heart tells me, I have not deserved
+      this! Do not suspect, that I have so little justice, or so
+      little magnanimity, as to refuse you the privilege, the
+      enviable privilege, of being master of your own affections.
+      I am unhappy, I confess; the principal charm of my life is
+      fled, and the hopes that should enliven future prospects are
+      faint: melancholy too often obscures reason, and a heart,
+      perhaps too tender, preys on itself.
+
+      'I suspect I had formed some vain and extravagant
+      expectations. I could have loved you, had you permitted it,
+      with no mean, nor common attachment.--My words, my looks, my
+      actions, betrayed me, ere I suffered my feelings to dictate
+      to my pen. Would to God, I had buried this fatal secret in
+      the bottom of my soul! But repentance is, now, too late. Yet
+      the sensible heart yearns to disclose itself--and to whom
+      can it confide its sentiments, with equal propriety, as to
+      him who will know how to pity the errors, of which he feels
+      himself, however involuntarily, the cause? The world might
+      think my choice in a confident singular; it has been my
+      misfortune seldom to think with the world, and I ought,
+      perhaps, patiently to submit to the inconveniences to which
+      this singularity has exposed me.
+
+      'I know not how, without doing myself a painful violence, to
+      relinquish your society; and why, let me again ask, should
+      I? I now desire only that repose which is the end of doubt,
+      and this, I think, I should regain by one hour's frank
+      conversation with you; I would compose myself, listen to
+      you, and yield to the sovereignty of reason. After such an
+      interview, my mind--no longer harrassed by vague suspicion,
+      by a thousand nameless apprehensions and inquietudes--should
+      struggle to subdue itself--at least, I would not permit it
+      to dictate to my pen, not to bewilder my conduct. I am
+      exhausted by perturbation. I ask only certainty and rest.
+
+                                                           'EMMA.'
+
+
+A few days after I had written the preceding letter, Mr Harley called on
+me. Mrs Denbeigh was with me on his entrance; I would have given worlds
+to have received him alone, but had not courage to hint this to my
+relation. Overwhelmed by a variety of emotions, I was unable for some
+time to make any reply to his friendly enquiries after my health, and
+congratulations on my amended prospects. My confusion and embarrassment
+were but too apparent; perceiving my distress, he kindly contrived to
+engage my hostess in discourse, that I might have time to rally my
+spirits. By degrees, I commanded myself sufficiently to join in the
+conversation--I spoke to him of his mother, expressed the lively sense
+I felt of her goodness, and my unaffected regret at parting with her.
+Animated by my subject, and encouraged by the delicacy of Augustus, I
+became more assured: we retraced the amusements and studies of H----shire,
+and two hours passed delightfully and insensibly away, when Mrs Denbeigh
+was called out of the room to speak to a person who brought her letters
+and intelligence from the India House. Mr Harley, rising at the same
+time from his seat, seemed about to depart, but hesitating, stood a few
+moments as if irresolute.
+
+'You leave me,' said I, in a low and tremulous tone, 'and you leave me
+still in suspense?'
+
+'Could you,' replied he, visibly affected, 'but have seen me on the
+receipt of your last letter, you would have perceived that my feelings
+were not enviable--Your affecting expostulation, added to other
+circumstances of a vexatious nature, oppressed my spirits with a burthen
+more than they were able to sustain.'
+
+He resumed his seat, spoke of his situation, of the tenure on which
+he held his fortune,--'I am neither a stoic nor a philosopher,' added
+he,--'I knew not how--_I could not answer your letter_. What shall
+I say?--I am with-held from explaining myself further, by reasons
+--_obligations_--Who can look back on every action of his past life
+with approbation? Mine has not been free from error! I am distressed,
+perplexed--_Insuperable obstacles_ forbid what otherwise'--
+
+'I feel,' said I, interrupting him, 'that I am the victim of my own
+weakness and vanity--I feel, that I have been rushing headlong into
+the misery which you kindly sought to spare me--I am sensible of your
+delicacy--of your humanity!--And is it with the full impression of
+your virtues on my heart that I must teach that heart to renounce
+you--renounce, for ever, the man with whose pure and elevated mind my
+own panted to mingle? My reason has been blinded by the illusions of my
+self-love--and, while I severely suffer, I own my sufferings just--yet,
+the sentiments you inspired were worthy of you! I understand little
+of--I have violated common forms--seeking your tenderness, I have
+perhaps forfeited your esteem!'
+
+'Far, _very far_, from it--I would, but cannot, say more.'
+
+'Must we, then, separate for ever--will you no longer assist me in the
+pursuit of knowledge and truth--will you no more point out to me the
+books I should read, and aid me in forming a just judgment of the
+principles they contain--Must all your lessons be at an end--all my
+studies be resigned? How, without your counsel and example, shall I
+regain my strength of mind--to what _end_ shall I seek to improve
+myself, when I dare no longer hope to be worthy of him--'
+
+A flood of tears checked my utterance; hiding my face with my hands,
+I gave way to the kindly relief, but for which my heart had broken.
+I heard footsteps in the passage, and the voice of Mrs Denbeigh as
+speaking to her servant--covered with shame and grief, I dared not in
+this situation appear before her, but, rushing out at an opposite door,
+hid myself in my chamber. A train of confused recollections tortured
+my mind, I concluded, that Augustus had another, a prior attachment.
+I felt, with this conviction, that I had not the fortitude, and that
+perhaps I ought not, to see him again. I wrote to him under this
+impression; I poured out my soul in anguish, in sympathy, in fervent
+aspirations for his happiness. These painful and protracted conflicts
+affected my health, a deep and habitual depression preyed upon my
+spirits, and, surveying every object through the medium of a distempered
+imagination, I grew disgusted with life.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+
+I began, at length, to think, that I had been too precipitate, and
+too severe to myself.--Why was I to sacrifice a friend, from whose
+conversation I had derived improvement and pleasure? I repeated this
+question to myself, again and again; and I blushed and repented. But
+I deceived myself. I had too frequently acted with precipitation, I
+determined, now, to be more prudent--I waited three months, fortified
+my mind with many reflections, and resumed my pen--
+
+
+      TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY.
+
+      'Near three months have elapsed, since I last addressed you.
+      I remind you of this, not merely to suppress, as it arises,
+      any apprehension which you may entertain of further
+      embarrassment or importunity: for I can no longer afflict
+      myself with the idea, that my peace, or welfare, are
+      indifferent to you, but will rather adopt the sentiment of
+      Plato--who on being informed, that one of his disciples,
+      whom he had more particularly distinguished, had spoken ill
+      of him, replied, to the slanderer--"I do not believe you,
+      for it is impossible that I should not be esteemed by one
+      whom I so sincerely regard."
+
+      'My motive, for calling to your remembrance the date of my
+      last, is, that you should consider what I am now about to
+      say, as the result of calmer reflection, the decision of
+      judgment after having allowed the passions leisure to
+      subside. It is, perhaps, unnecessary to premise, that I am
+      not urged on by pride, from an obscure consciousness of
+      having been betrayed into indiscretion, to endeavour to
+      explain away, or to extenuate, any part of my former
+      expressions or conduct. To a mind like yours, such an
+      attempt would be impertinent; from one like mine, I hope,
+      superfluous. I am not ashamed of being a human being, nor
+      blush to own myself liable to "the shakes and agues of his
+      fragile nature." I have ever spoken, and acted, from the
+      genuine dictates of a mind swayed, at the time, by its own
+      views and propensities, nor have I hesitated, as those
+      views and propensities have changed, to avow my further
+      convictions--"Let not the coldly wise exult, that their
+      heads were never led astray by their hearts." I have all
+      along used, and shall continue to use, the unequivocal
+      language of sincerity.
+
+      'However _romantic_ (a vague term applied to every thing we
+      do not understand, or are unwilling to intimate) my views
+      and sentiments might appear to many, I dread not, from you,
+      this frigid censure. "The ideas, the associations, the
+      circumstances of each man are properly his own, and it is a
+      pernicious system, that would lead us to require all men,
+      however different their circumstances, to act in many of the
+      common affairs of life, by a precise, general rule."[10]
+      The genuine effusions of the heart and mind are easily
+      distinguished, by the penetrating eye, from the vain
+      ostentation of sentiment, lip deep, which, causing no
+      emotion, communicates none--Oh! how unlike the energetic
+      sympathies of truth and feeling--darting from mind to mind,
+      enlightening, warming, with electrical rapidity!
+
+         [Footnote 10: Godwin's Political Justice.]
+
+      'My ideas have undergone, in the last three months, many
+      fluctuations. My _affection_ for you (why should I seek
+      for vague, inexpressive phrases?) has not ceased, has not
+      diminished, but it has, in some measure, changed its nature.
+      It was originally generated by the report, and cemented by
+      the knowledge, of your virtues and talents; and to virtue
+      and talents my mind had ever paid unfeigned, enthusiastic,
+      homage! It is somewhere said by Rousseau--"That there may
+      exist such a suitability of moral, mental, and personal,
+      qualifications, as should point out the propriety of an
+      union between a prince and the daughter of an executioner."
+      Vain girl that I was! I flattered myself that between us
+      this sympathy really existed. I dwelt on the union between
+      mind and mind--sentiments of nature gently insinuated
+      themselves--my sensibility grew more tender, more
+      affecting--and my imagination, ever lively, traced the
+      glowing picture, and dipped the pencil in rainbow tints!
+      Possessing one of those determined spirits, that is not
+      easily induced to relinquish its purposes--while I conceived
+      that I had only your pride, or your insensibility, to
+      combat, I wildly determined to persevere.--A further
+      recapitulation would, perhaps, be unnecessary:--my
+      situation, alas! is now changed.
+
+      'Having then examined my heart, attentively and
+      deliberately, I suspect that I have been unjust to
+      myself, in supposing it incapable of a disinterested
+      attachment.--Why am I to deprive you of a faithful friend,
+      and myself of all the benefits I may yet derive from your
+      conversation and kind offices? I ask, why? And I should,
+      indeed, have cause to blush, if, after having had time for
+      reflection, I could really think this necessary. Shall I,
+      then, sign the unjust decree, that women are incapable of
+      energy and fortitude? Have I exercised my understanding,
+      without ever intending to apply my principles to practice?
+      Do I mean always to deplore the prejudices which have,
+      systematically, weakened the female character, without
+      making any effort to rise above them? Is the example
+      you have given me, of a steady adherence to honour and
+      principle, to be merely respected, without exciting in my
+      bosom any emulation? Dare I to answer these questions in the
+      affirmative, and still ask your esteem--the esteem of the
+      wise and good?--I dare not! No longer weakened by alternate
+      hopes and fears, like the reed yielding to every breeze, I
+      believe myself capable of acting upon firmer principles;
+      and I request, with confidence, the restoration of your
+      friendship! Should I afterwards find, that I have over-rated
+      my own strength, I will frankly tell you so, and expect
+      from your humanity those allowances, which are but a poor
+      substitute for respect.
+
+      'Believe, then, my views and motives to be simply such as I
+      state them; at least, such, after severely scrutinizing my
+      heart, they appear to myself; and reply to me with similar
+      ingenuousness. My expectations are very moderate: answer me
+      with simplicity--my very soul sickens at evasion! You have
+      undoubtedly, a right to judge and to determine for yourself;
+      but it will be but just to state to me the reasons for, and
+      the result of, that judgment; in which case, if I cannot
+      obviate those reasons, I shall be bound, however reluctantly,
+      to acquiesce in them. Be assured, I will never complain of
+      any consequences which may ensue, even, from the utterance
+      of all truth.
+
+                                                          'EMMA.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+
+This letter was succeeded by a renewal of our intercourse and studies.
+Mrs Denbeigh, my kind hostess, was usually of our parties. We read
+together, or conversed only on general topics, or upon subjects of
+literature. I was introduced by Mr Harley to several respectable
+families, friends of his own and of his mother's. I made many indirect
+enquiries of our common acquaintance, with a view to discover the
+supposed object of my friend's attachment, but without success. All that
+he had, himself, said, respecting such an engagement, had been so vague,
+that I began to doubt of the reality of its existence.--When, in any
+subsequent letters (for we continued occasionally to correspond) I
+ventured to allude to the subject, I was warned 'not to confound my own
+conceptions with real existences.' When he spoke of a susceptibility
+to the tender affections, it was always in the past time,--'I _have_
+felt,'--'I _have_ been--'Once he wrote--'His situation had been rendered
+difficult, by a combination of _peculiar circumstances_; circumstances,
+with which but few persons were acquainted.' Sometimes he would affect
+to reflect upon his past conduct, and warn me against appreciating him
+too highly. In fine, he was a perfect enigma, and every thing which he
+said or wrote tended to increase the mystery.
+
+A restless, an insatiable, curiosity, devoured me, heightened by
+feelings that every hour became more imperious, more uncontroulable.
+I proposed to myself, in the gratification of this curiosity, a
+satisfaction that should compensate for all the injuries I might suffer
+in the career. This inquietude prevented my mind from resting; and, by
+leaving room for conjecture, left room for the illusions of fancy, and
+of hope. Had I never expressed this, he might have affected ignorance of
+my sensations; he might have pleaded guiltless, when, in the agony of
+my soul, I accused him of having sacrificed my peace to his
+disingenuousness--but vain were all my expostulations!
+
+'If,' said I, 'I have sought, too earnestly, to learn the state of your
+affections, it has been with a view to the more effectually disciplining
+of my own--of stifling every _ignis fatuus_ of false hope, that making,
+even, impossibilities possible, will still, at times, continue to mislead
+me. Objects seen through obscurity, imperfectly discerned, allow to the
+fancy but too free a scope; the mind grows debilitated, by brooding over
+its apprehensions; and those apprehensions, whether real or imaginary,
+are carried with accumulated pain to the heart. I have said, on this
+subject, you have a right to be free; but I am, now, doubtful of this
+right: the health of my mind being involved in the question, has
+rendered it a question of _utility_--and on what other basis can morals
+rest?'
+
+I frequently reiterated these reasonings, always with encreased fervor
+and earnestness: represented--'that every step I took in advance would
+be miles in return--every minute that the blow was suspended, prepared
+it to descend with accumulated force.' I required no particulars, but
+merely requested to be assured of _a present, existing, engagement_. I
+continued, from time to time, to urge this subject.
+
+
+      'Much,' said I, 'as I esteem you, and deeply as a thousand
+      associations have fixed your idea in my heart--in true
+      candour of soul, I, yet, feel myself your superior.--I
+      recollect a sentiment of Richardson's Clarissa that always
+      pleased me, and that may afford a test, by which each of us
+      may judge of the integrity of our own minds--"I should be
+      glad that you, and all the world, knew my heart; let my
+      enemies sit in judgment upon my actions; fairly scanned,
+      I fear not the result. Let them ask me my most secret
+      thoughts; and, whether they make for me, or against me, I
+      will reveal them."
+
+      'This is the principle, my friend, upon which I have acted
+      towards you. I have said many things, I doubt not, which
+      make against me; but I trusted them to one, who told me,
+      that he had made the human heart his study: and it is only
+      in compliance with the prejudices of others, if I have taken
+      any pains to conceal all I have thought and felt on this,
+      or on any other, subject, from the rest of the world. Had I
+      not, in the wild career of fervent feeling, had sufficient
+      strength of mind to stop short, and to reason calmly, how
+      often, in the bitterness of my spirit, should I have accused
+      you of sporting with my feelings, by involving me in a
+      hopeless maze of conjecture--by leaving me a prey to the
+      constant, oppressive, apprehension of hearing something,
+      which I should not have had the fortitude to support with
+      dignity; which, in proportion as it is delayed, still
+      contributes to harrass, to weaken, to incapacitate, my mind
+      from bearing its disclosure.
+
+      'I know you might reply--and more than nine-tenths of the
+      world would justify you in this reply--"That you had already
+      said, what ought to have been sufficient, and would have
+      been so to any other human being;--that you had not sought
+      the confidence I boast of having reposed in you;--and
+      that so far from affording you any satisfaction, it has
+      occasioned you only perplexity. If my own destiny was not
+      equivocal, of what importance could it be to me, and what
+      right had I to enquire after circumstances, in which,
+      however affecting, I could have no real concern."
+
+      'You may think all this, perhaps--I will not spare
+      myself--and it may be reasonable. _But could you say
+      it_--and have you, indeed, studied the human heart--_have
+      you, indeed, ever felt the affections?_--Whatever may be the
+      event--and it is in the mind of powers only that passions
+      are likely to become fatal--and however irreproachable every
+      other part of your conduct may have been, I shall, _here_,
+      always say, you were culpable!'
+
+
+I changed my style.
+
+
+      'I know not,' said I, 'the nature of those stern duties,
+      which oblige you to with-hold from me your tenderness;
+      neither do I any longer enquire. I dread, only, lest I
+      should acquire this knowledge when I am the least able to
+      support it. Ignorant, then, of any reasons which should
+      prevent me from giving up my heart to an attachment, now
+      become interwoven with my existence, I yield myself up to
+      these sweet and affecting emotions, so necessary to my
+      disposition--to which apathy is abhorrent. "The affections
+      (truly says Sterne) must be exercised on something; for, not
+      to love, is to be miserable. Were I in a desart, I would
+      find out wherewith in it to call forth my affections. If I
+      could do no better, I would fasten them upon some sweet
+      myrtle, or seek some melancholy cypress to connect myself
+      to--I would court their shade, and greet them kindly for
+      their protection. I would cut my name upon them, and swear
+      they were the loveliest trees throughout the desart. If
+      their leaves withered, I would teach myself to mourn; and,
+      when they rejoiced, I would rejoice with them."
+
+      'An attachment, founded upon a full conviction of worth,
+      must be both safe and salutary. My mind has not sufficient
+      strength to form an abstract idea of perfection. I have ever
+      found it stimulated, improved, advanced, by its affections.
+      I will, then, continue to love you with fervor and purity; I
+      will see you with joy, part from you with regret, grieve in
+      your griefs, enter with zeal into your concerns, interest
+      myself in your honour and welfare, and endeavour, with
+      all my little power, to contribute to your comfort and
+      satisfaction.--Is your heart so differently constituted from
+      every other human heart, that an affection, thus ardent and
+      sincere, excites in it no grateful, and soothing, emotions?
+      Why, then, withdraw yourself from me, and by that means
+      afflict, and sink into despondency, a mind that entrusts its
+      peace to your keeping.
+
+                                                           'EMMA.'
+
+
+We met the next day at the house of a common friend. My accents,
+involuntarily, were softened, my attentions pointed.--Manifestly
+agitated, embarrassed, even distressed, Augustus quitted the company
+at an early hour.
+
+It would be endless to enumerate all the little incidents that occurred;
+which, however trifling they might appear in the recital, continued to
+operate in one direction. Many letters passed to the same purport. My
+curiosity was a consuming passion; but this inflexible, impenetrable,
+man, was still silent, or alternately evaded, and resented, my
+enquiries. We continued, occasionally, to meet, but generally in
+company.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+
+During the ensuing summer, Mr Harley proposed making a visit to his
+mother, and, calling to take his leave of me, on the evening preceding
+his journey, accidentally found me alone.--We entered into conversation
+on various subjects: twilight stole upon us unperceived. The obscure
+light inspired me with courage: I ventured to resume a subject, so often
+discussed; I complained, gently, of his reserve.
+
+'Could I suppose,' he asked, 'that he had been without _his share_ of
+suffering?'
+
+I replied something, I scarce know what, adverting to his stronger mind.
+
+'Strength!' said he, turning from me with emotion, 'rather say,
+weakness!'
+
+I reiterated the important, the so often proposed, enquiry--'Had he, or
+had he not, a _present, existing, engagement_?'
+
+He endeavoured to evade my question--I repeated it--He answered, with
+a degree of impatience, '_I cannot tell you_; if I could, do you think
+I would have been silent so long?'--as once, before, he spoke of the
+circumstances of his past life, as being of '_a singular, a peculiar,
+nature_.'
+
+At our separation, I asked, if he would write to me during his absence.
+'Certainly, he would.' The next morning, having some little commissions
+to execute for Mrs Harley, I sent them, accompanied by a few lines, to
+her son.
+
+'Why is it,' said I, 'that our sagacity, and penetration, frequently
+desert us on the most interesting occasions? I can read any mind with
+greater facility than I can read your's; and, yet, what other have I
+so attentively studied? This is a problem I know not how to solve. One
+conclusion will force itself upon me--if a mistaken one, whom have you
+to blame?--That an _honourable_, suitable, engagement, could have given
+no occasion for mystery.' I added, 'I should depend on hearing from him,
+according to his promise.'
+
+Week after week, month after month, wore away, and no letter arrived.
+Perturbation was succeeded by anxiety and apprehension; but hearing,
+through my maternal friend, Mrs Harley, of the welfare of this object
+of our too tender cares, my solicitude subsided into despondency. The
+pressure of one corroding train of ideas preyed, like a canker-worm,
+upon my heart, and destroyed all its tranquillity.
+
+In the beginning of the winter, this mysterious, inexplicable, being,
+again returned to town. I had undertaken a little business, to serve
+him, during his absence--I transmitted to him an account of my
+proceedings; subjoining a gentle reproach for his unkind silence.
+
+'You promised you would write to me,' said I, 'during your residence
+in ----shire. I therefore depended upon hearing from you; and, yet, I
+was disappointed. You should not, indeed you should not, make these
+experiments upon my mind. My sensibility, originally acute, from having
+been too much exercised, has become nearly morbid, and has almost
+unfitted me for an inhabitant of this world. I am willing to believe,
+that your conduct towards me has originated in good motives, nevertheless,
+you have made some sad mistakes--you have _deeply_, though undesignedly,
+wounded me: I have been harrassed, distressed, mortified. You know not,
+neither will I attempt to describe, all I have suffered! language would
+be inadequate to paint the struggles of a delicate, susceptible, mind,
+in some peculiar and interesting situations.
+
+'You may suspect me of wanting resolution, but strong, persevering
+affections, are no mark of a weak mind. To have been the wife of a man
+of virtue and talents was my dearest ambition, and would have been my
+glory: I judged myself worthy of the confidence and affection of such a
+man--I felt, that I could have united in his pursuits, and shared his
+principles--aided the virtuous energies of his mind, and assured his
+domestic comforts. I earnestly sought to inspire you with tenderness,
+from the conviction, that I could contribute to your happiness, and to
+the worth of your character. And if, from innumerable associations, I
+at length loved your person, it was the magnanimity of your conduct, it
+was your virtues, that first excited my admiration and esteem. But you
+have rejected an attachment originating in the highest, the purest,
+principles--you have thrown from you a heart of exquisite sensibility,
+and you leave me in doubt, whether you have not sacrificed that heart
+to prejudice. Yet, contemned affection has excited in my mind no
+resentment; true tenderness is made up of gentle and amiable emotions;
+nothing hostile, nothing severe, can mix with it: it may gradually
+subside, but it will continue to soften the mind it has once subdued.
+
+'I see much to respect in your conduct, and though, it is probable, some
+parts of it may have originated in mistaken principles, I trust, that
+their source was pure! I, also, have made many mistakes--have been
+guilty of many extravagances. Yet, distrust the morality, that sternly
+commands you to pierce the bosom that most reveres you, and then to call
+it virtue--_Yes! distrust and suspect its origin!_' I concluded with
+expressing a wish to see him--'_merely as a friend_'--requesting a line
+in reply.
+
+He wrote not, but came, unexpectedly came, the next evening. I expressed,
+in lively terms, the pleasure I felt in seeing him. We conversed on
+various subjects, he spoke affectionately of his mother, and of the
+tender interest she had expressed for my welfare. He enquired after my
+pursuits and acquirements during his absence, commending the progress I
+had made. Just before he quitted me, he adverted to the reproach I had
+made him, for not having written to me, according to his engagement.
+
+'Recollect,' said he, 'in the last letter I received from you, before I
+left London, you hinted some suspicions--' I looked at him, 'and what,'
+added he, 'could I reply?'
+
+I was disconcerted, I changed colour, and had no power to pursue the
+subject.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+
+From this period, he continued to visit me (I confess at my solicitation)
+more frequently. We occasionally resumed our scientific pursuits, read
+together, or entered into discussion on various topics. At length he
+grew captious, disputatious, gloomy, and imperious--the more I studied
+to please him, the less I succeeded. He disapproved my conduct, my
+opinions, my sentiments; my frankness offended him. This change
+considerably affected me. In company, his manners were studiously cold
+and distant; in private capricious, yet reserved and guarded. He seemed
+to overlook all my efforts to please, and, with a severe and penetrating
+eye, to search only for my errors--errors, into which I was but too
+easily betrayed, by the painful, and delicate, situation, in which I had
+placed myself.
+
+We, one day, accompanied Mrs Denbeigh on a visit of congratulation to
+her brother (eldest son of my deceased uncle Mr Melmoth), who had, when
+a youth, been placed by his father in a commercial house in the West
+Indies, and who had just returned to his native country with an ample
+fortune. His sister and myself anticipated the pleasure of renewing our
+early, fraternal, affection and intimacy, while I felt a secret pride in
+introducing to his acquaintance a man so accomplished and respectable as
+Mr Harley. We were little aware of the changes which time and different
+situations produce on the character, and, with hearts and minds full of
+the frank, lively, affectionate, youth, from whom we had parted, seven
+years since, with mutual tears and embraces, shrunk spontaneously,
+on our arrival at Mr Melmoth's elegant house in Bedford square, from
+the cold salutation, of the haughty, opulent, purse-proud, Planter,
+surrounded by ostentatious luxuries, and evidently valuing himself upon
+the consequence which he imagined they must give him in our eyes.
+
+Mr Harley received the formal compliments of this favourite of fortune
+with the easy politeness which distinguishes the gentleman and the man
+of letters, and the dignified composure which the consciousness of worth
+and talents seldom fails to inspire. Mr Melmoth, by his awkward and
+embarrassed manner, tacitly acknowledged the impotence of wealth and
+the real superiority of his guest. We were introduced by our stately
+relation to his wife, the lady of the mansion, a young woman whom he had
+accidentally met with in a party of pleasure at Jamaica, whither she had
+attended a family in the humble office of companion or chief attendant
+to the lady. Fascinated by her beauty and lively manner, our trader had
+overlooked an empty mind, a low education, and a doubtful character,
+and, after a very few interviews, tendered to her acceptance his hand
+and fortune; which, though not without some affectation of doubt and
+delay, were in a short time joyfully accepted.
+
+A gentleman joined our party in the dining-room, whom the servant
+announced by the name of Pemberton, in whom I presently recognized,
+notwithstanding some years had elapsed since our former meeting, the man
+of fashon and gallantry who had been the antagonist of Mr Francis, at
+the table of my father. He had lately (we were informed by our host)
+been to Jamaica, to take possession of an estate bequeathed to him, and
+had returned to England in the same vessel with Mr and Mrs Melmoth.
+After an elegant dinner of several courses had been served up and
+removed for the desert, a desultory conversation took place.
+
+Mr Pemberton, it appeared, held a commission in the militia, and
+earnestly solicited Mrs Melmoth, on whom he lavished a profusion of
+compliments, to grace their encampment, which was to be stationed in the
+ensuing season near one of the fashionable watering places, with her
+presence.
+
+This request the lady readily promised to comply with, expressing, in
+tones of affected softness, her admiration of military men, and of the
+
+  'Pride, pomp and circumstance of glorious war!'
+
+'Do you not think, Miss Courtney,' said she, turning to me, 'that
+soldiers are the most agreeable and charming men in the world?'
+
+'Indeed I do not, Madam; their trade is _murder_, and their trappings,
+in my eyes, appear but as the gaudy pomp of sacrifice.'
+
+'_Murder_, indeed! What a harsh word--I declare you are a shocking
+creature--There have always been wars in the world, and there always
+must be: but surely you would not confound the brave fellows, who
+fight to protect their King and Country, and _the ladies_, with common
+ruffians and housebreakers!'
+
+'All the difference between them is, that the one, rendered desperate
+by passion, poverty, or injustice, endeavours by _wrong_ means to do
+himself _right_, and through this terrible and pitiable mistake destroys
+the life or the property of a fellow being--The others, wantonly and in
+cold blood, cut down millions of their species, ravage whole towns and
+cities, and carry devastation through a country.'
+
+'What _odd notions_! Dear, Mr Pemberton, did you ever hear a lady talk
+so strangely?'
+
+Thus called upon, Mr Pemberton thought it incumbent upon him to
+interfere--'_Courtney_, I think, Madam, your name is! The daughter of an
+old friend of mine, if I am not mistaken, and who, I remember, was, when
+a very young lady, a great admirer of _Roman virtues_.'
+
+'Not of _Roman virtues_, I believe, Sir; they had in them too much of
+the destructive spirit which Mrs Melmoth thinks so admirable.'
+
+'Indeed, I said nothing about _Roman virtues_, nor do I trouble myself
+with such subjects--I merely admired the soldiers because they are so
+brave and so polite; besides, the military dress is so elegant and
+becoming--Dear, Mr Pemberton, how charmingly you must look in your
+regimentals!'
+
+Mr Pemberton, bowing in return to the compliment, made an animated
+eulogium on the taste and beauty of the speaker.
+
+'Pray, Sir,' resumed she, addressing herself to Mr Harley, whose
+inattention seemed to pique her, and whose notice she was determined to
+attract, 'are you of Miss Courtney's opinion--do you think it right to
+call soldiers _murderers_?'
+
+'Upon my word, Madam,' with an air of irony, 'you must excuse me from
+entering into such _nice distinctions_--when _ladies_ differ, who shall
+presume to decide?'
+
+Mr Melmoth interposed, by wishing, 'that they had some thousands
+more of these _murderers_ in the West Indies, to keep the slaves in
+subordination, who, since absurd notions of liberty had been put into
+their heads, were grown very troublesome and refractory, and, in a short
+time, he supposed, would become as insolent as the English servants.'
+
+'Would you believe it, Mrs Denbeigh,' said the Planter's lady,
+addressing the sister of her husband, 'Mr Melmoth and I have been in
+England but a month, and have been obliged three times to change our
+whole suit of servants?'
+
+'This is a land of freedom, my dear sister; servants, here, will not
+submit to be treated like the slaves of Jamaica.'
+
+'Well, I am sure it is very provoking to have one's will disputed by
+such low, ignorant, creatures. How should they know what is right? It
+is enough for them to obey the orders of their superiors.'
+
+'But suppose,' replied Mrs Denbeigh, 'they should happen to think their
+superiors unreasonable!'
+
+'_Think!_ sister,' said the lordly Mr Melmoth, with an exulting laugh,
+'what have _servants_, or _women_, to do with _thinking_?'
+
+'Nay, now,' interrupted Mr Pemberton, 'you are too severe upon the
+ladies--how would the elegant and tasteful arrangement of Mrs Melmoth's
+ornaments have been produced without thinking?'
+
+'Oh, you flatterer!' said the lady. 'Let them think only about their
+dress, and I have no objection, but don't let them plague us with
+_sermonizing_.'
+
+'Mrs Melmoth,' said I, coolly, 'does not often, I dare say, offend
+_in this way_. That some of the gentlemen, present, should object to a
+woman's exercising her discriminating powers, is not wonderful, since
+it might operate greatly to their disadvantage.'
+
+'A blow on the right cheek, from so fair a hand,' replied Mr Pemberton,
+affectedly bending his body, 'would almost induce one to adopt the
+christian maxim, and turn the left, also. What say you, Mr Harley?'
+
+'Mr Harley, I believe, Sir, does not feel himself included in the
+reflection.'
+
+'He is a happy man then.'
+
+'No, Sir, merely a _rational one_!'
+
+'You are pleased to be severe; of all things I dread a female wit.'
+
+'It is an instinctive feeling of self-preservation--nature provides weak
+animals with timidity as a guard.'
+
+Mr Pemberton reddened, and, affecting a careless air, hummed a tune. Mr
+Melmoth again reverted to the subject of English servants, which gave
+rise to a discussion on the Slave Trade. Mr Harley pleaded the cause of
+freedom and humanity with a bold and manly eloquence, expatiating warmly
+on the iniquity as well as impolicy of so accursed a traffic. Melmoth
+was awed into silence. Mr Pemberton advanced some trite arguments in
+opposition, respecting the temporary mischiefs which might ensue, in case
+of an abolition, to the planters, landholders, traders, &c. Augustus
+explained, by contending only for the gradual emancipation, after their
+minds had been previously prepared, of the oppressed Africans. The
+conversation grew interesting. Pemberton was not devoid of talents when
+he laid aside his affectation; the subject was examined both in a moral
+and a political point of view. I listened with delight, while Augustus
+exposed and confuted the specious reasoning and sophistry of his
+antagonist: exulting in the triumph of truth and justice, I secretly
+gloried--'with more than selfish vanity'--in the virtues and abilities
+of my friend. Though driven from all his resources, Mr Pemberton was too
+much the courtier to be easily disconcerted, but complimenting his
+adversary on his eloquence, declared he should be happy to hear of his
+having a seat in Parliament.
+
+Mrs Melmoth, who had yawned and betrayed various symptoms of weariness
+during the discussion, now proposed the adjournment of the ladies into
+the drawing-room, whither I was compelled, by a barbarous and odious
+custom, reluctantly to follow, and to submit to be entertained with a
+torrent of folly and impertinence.
+
+'I was ill-natured,' she told me.--'How could I be so severe upon the
+_charming_ and _elegant_ Mr Pemberton?'
+
+It was in vain I laboured to convince her, that to be treated like
+ideots was no real compliment, and that the men who condescend to
+flatter our foibles, despised the weak beings they helped to form.
+
+My remonstrances were as fatiguing, and as little to be comprehended
+by this _fine lady_, as the arguments respecting the Slave Trade:--she
+sought refuge from them in interrogating Mrs Denbeigh respecting the
+last new fashions, and in consulting her taste on the important
+question--whether blue or violet colour was the most becoming to a
+brunette complexion? The gentlemen joined us, to our great relief, at
+the tea-table:--other company dropped in, and the evening was beguiled
+with cards and the chess-board;--at the latter Mr Melmoth and Mr Harley
+were antagonists;--the former was no match for Augustus. I amused myself
+by observing their moves, and overlooking the game.
+
+During our return from this visit, some conversation occurred between Mr
+Harley, my cousin, and myself, respecting the company we had quitted. I
+expressed my disappointment, disgust, and contempt, in terms, it may be,
+a little too strong.
+
+'I was _fastidious_,' Augustus told me, 'I wanted a world made on
+purpose for me, and beings formed after one model. It was both amusing,
+and instructive, to contemplate varieties of character. I was a romantic
+enthusiast--and should endeavour to become more like an inhabitant of
+the world.'
+
+Piqued at these remarks, and at the tone and manner in which they were
+uttered, I felt my temper rising, and replied with warmth; but it was
+the glow of a moment; for, to say truth, vexation and disappointment,
+rather than reason, had broken and subdued my spirit. Mrs Denbeigh,
+perceiving I was pained, kindly endeavoured to give a turn to the
+conversation; yet she could not help expressing her regret, on observing
+the folly, levity, and extravagance, of the woman whom her brother had
+chosen for a wife.
+
+'No doubt,' said Augustus, a little peevishly, 'he is fond of her--she
+is a fine woman--there is no accounting for the _caprices_ of the
+affections.'
+
+I sighed, and my eyes filled with tears--'Is, then, affection so
+_capricious_ a sentiment--is it possible to love what we despise?'
+
+'I cannot tell,' retorted Mr Harley, with quickness. 'Triflers can give
+no _serious_ occasion for uneasiness:--the humours of superior women are
+sometimes still less tolerable.'
+
+'Ah! how unjust. If gentleness be not _the perfection of reason_, it is
+a quality which I have never, yet, properly understood.'
+
+He made no reply, but sunk into silence, reserve, and reverie. On our
+arrival at my apartments, I ventured (my cousin having left us) to
+expostulate with him on his unkind behaviour; but was answered with
+severity. Some retrospection ensued, which gradually led to the subject
+ever present to my thoughts.--Again I expressed a solicitude to be
+informed of the real state of his heart, of the nature of those
+mysterious obstacles, to which, when clearly ascertained, I was ready
+to submit.--'Had he, or had he not, an attachment, that looked to, as
+its _end_, a serious and legal engagement?' He appeared ruffled and
+discomposed.--'I ought not to be so urgent--he had already sufficiently
+explained himself.' He then repeated to me some particulars, apparently
+adverse to such a supposition--asking me, in his turn, 'If these
+circumstances bespoke his having any such event in view?'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+
+For some time after this he absented himself from me; and, when he
+returned, his manners were still more unequal; even his sentiments, and
+principles, at times, appeared to me equivocal, and his character seemed
+wholly changed. I tried, in vain, to accommodate myself to a disposition
+so various. My affection, my sensibility, my fear of offending--a
+thousand conflicting, torturing, emotions, threw a constraint over my
+behaviour.--My situation became absolutely intolerable--time was murdered,
+activity vain, virtue inefficient: yet, a secret hope inspired me, that
+_indifference_ could not have produced the irritations, the inequalities,
+that thus harrassed me. I thought, I observed a conflict in his mind;
+his fits of absence, and reflection, were unusual, deep, and frequent:
+I watched them with anxiety, with terror, with breathless expectation.
+My health became affected, and my mind disordered. I perceived that it
+was impossible to proceed, in the manner we had hitherto done, much
+longer--I felt that it would, inevitably, destroy me.
+
+I reflected, meditated, reasoned, with myself--'That one channel, into
+which my thoughts were incessantly impelled, was destructive of all
+order, of all connection.' New projects occurred to me, which I had
+never before ventured to encourage--I revolved them in my mind, examined
+them in every point of view, weighed their advantages and disadvantages,
+in a moral, in a prudential, scale.--Threatening evils appeared on all
+sides--I endeavoured, at once, to free my mind from prejudice, and from
+passion; and, in the critical and _singular_ circumstances in which I
+had placed myself, coolly to survey the several arguments of the case,
+and nicely to calculate their force and importance.
+
+'If, as we are taught to believe, the benevolent Author of nature be,
+indeed, benevolent,' said I, to myself, 'he surely must have intended
+the _happiness_ of his creatures. Our morality cannot extend to him, but
+must consist in the knowledge, and practice, of those duties which we
+owe to ourselves and to each other.--Individual happiness constitutes
+the general good:--_happiness_ is the only true _end_ of existence;
+--all notions of morals, founded on any other principle, involve in
+themselves a contradiction, and must be erroneous. Man does right,
+when pursuing interest and pleasure--it argues no depravity--this is
+the fable of superstition: he ought to only be careful, that, in seeking
+his own good, he does not render it incompatible with the good of
+others--that he does not consider himself as standing alone in the
+universe. The infraction of established _rules_ may, it is possible, in
+some cases, be productive of mischief; yet, it is difficult to state any
+_rule_ so precise and determinate, as to be alike applicable to every
+situation: what, in one instance, might be a _vice_, in another may
+possibly become a _virtue_:--a thousand imperceptible, evanescent,
+shadings, modify every thought, every motive, every action, of our
+lives--no one can estimate the sensations of, can form an exact
+judgment for, another.
+
+'I have sometimes suspected, that all mankind are pursuing phantoms,
+however dignified by different appellations.--The healing operations of
+time, had I patience to wait the experiment, might, perhaps, recover my
+mind from its present distempered state; but, in the meanwhile, the bloom
+of youth is fading, and the vigour of life running to waste.--Should I,
+at length, awake from a delusive vision, it would be only to find myself
+a comfortless, solitary, shivering, wanderer, in the dreary wilderness
+of human society. I feel in myself the capacities for increasing the
+happiness, and the improvement, of a few individuals--and this circle,
+spreading wider and wider, would operate towards the grand end of
+life--_general utility_.'
+
+Again I repeated to myself--'Ascetic virtues are equally barbarous as
+vain:--the only just morals, are those which have a tendency to increase
+the bulk of enjoyment. My plan tends to this. The good which I seek
+does not appear to me to involve injury to any one--it is of a nature,
+adapted to the disposition of my mind, for which every event of my life,
+the education both of design and accident, have fitted me. If I am now
+put out, I may, perhaps, do mischief:--the placid stream, forced from
+its channel, lays waste the meadow. I seem to stand as upon a wide
+plain, bounded on all sides by the horizon:--among the objects which I
+perceive within these limits, some are so lofty, my eyes ache to look
+up to them; others so low, I disdain to stoop for them. _One_, only,
+seems fitted to my powers, and to my wishes--_one, alone_, engages my
+attention! Is not its possession worthy an arduous effort: _Perseverance_
+can turn the course of rivers, and level mountains! Shall I, then,
+relinquish my efforts, when, perhaps, on the very verge of success?
+
+'The mind must have an object:--should I desist from my present pursuit,
+after all it has cost me, for what can I change it? I feel, that I am
+neither a philosopher, nor a heroine--but a _woman, to whom education
+has given a sexual character_. It is true, I have risen superior to the
+generality of my _oppressed sex_; yet, I have neither the talents for a
+legislator, nor for a reformer, of the world. I have still many female
+foibles, and shrinking delicacies, that unfit me for rising to arduous
+heights. Ambition cannot stimulate me, and to accumulate wealth, I am
+still less fitted. Should I, then, do violence to my heart, and compel
+it to resign its hopes and expectations, what can preserve me from
+sinking into, the most abhorred of all states, _languor and inanity_?
+--Alas! that tender and faithful heart refuses to change its object--it
+can never love another. Like Rousseau's Julia, my strong individual
+attachment has annihilated every man in the creation:--him I love
+appears, in my eyes, something more--every other, something less.
+
+'I have laboured to improve myself, that I might be worthy of the
+situation I have chosen. I would unite myself to a man of worth--I would
+have our mingled virtues and talents perpetuated in our offspring--I
+would experience those sweet sensations, of which nature has formed my
+heart so exquisitely susceptible. My ardent sensibilities incite me to
+love--to seek to inspire sympathy--to be beloved! My heart obstinately
+refuses to renounce the man, to whose mind my own seems akin! From the
+centre of private affections, it will at length embrace--like spreading
+circles on the peaceful bosom of the smooth and expanded lake--the whole
+sensitive and rational creation. Is it virtue, then, to combat, or to
+yield to, my passions?'
+
+I considered, and reconsidered, these reasonings, so specious, so
+flattering, to which passion lent its force. One moment, my mind seemed
+firmly made up on the part I had to act;--I persuaded myself, that I had
+gone too far to recede, and that there remained for me no alternative:--the
+next instant, I shrunk, gasping, from my own resolves, and shuddered at
+the important consequences which they involved. Amidst a variety of
+perturbations, of conflicting emotions, I, at length, once more, took up
+my pen.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+
+      TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY.
+
+      'I blush, when I reflect what a weak, wavering, inconsistent
+      being, I must lately have appeared to you. I write to you on
+      important subjects--I forbid you to answer me on paper; and,
+      when you seem inclined to put that period to the present,
+      painful, high-wrought, and trying, state of my feelings,
+      which is now become so necessary, I appear neither to hear,
+      nor to comprehend you. I fly from the subject, and thicken
+      the cloud of mystery, of which I have so often, and, I still
+      think, so justly complained.--These are some of the effects
+      of the contradictory systems, that have so long bewildered
+      our principles and conduct. A combination of causes, added
+      to the conflict between a thousand delicate and nameless
+      emotions, have lately conspired to confuse, to weaken,
+      my spirits. You can conceive, that these acute, mental,
+      sensations, must have had a temporary effect on the state
+      of my health. To say truth (and, had I not said it, my
+      countenance would have betrayed me), I have not, for some
+      time past, been so thoroughly disordered.
+
+      'Once more, I have determined to rally my strength; for I
+      feel, that a much longer continuance in the situation,
+      in which my mind has been lately involved, would be
+      insupportable:--and I call upon you, _now_, with a
+      resolution to summon all my fortitude to bear the result,
+      for the _written_ state of your mind, on the topic become so
+      important to my future welfare and usefulness.
+
+      'You may suppose, that a mind like mine must have,
+      repeatedly, set itself to examine, on every side, all that
+      could possibly have a relation to a subject affecting it so
+      materially. You have hinted at _mysterious_ obstacles to the
+      wish, in which every faculty of my soul has been so long
+      absorbed--the wish of forming with you, a connection,
+      nearer, _and more tender_, than that of friendship. This
+      mystery, by leaving room for conjecture (and how frequently
+      have I warned you of this!), left room for the illusions of
+      imagination, and of hope--left room for the suspicion, that
+      you might, possibly, be sacrificing _your own feelings_ as
+      well as mine, to a mistaken principle. Is it possible that
+      you were not aware of this--you, who are not unacquainted
+      with the nature of the mind! Still less were you ignorant
+      of the nature of my mind--which I had so explicitly, so
+      unreservedly, laid open! I had a double claim upon your
+      confidence--a confidence, that I was utterly incapable of
+      abusing, or betraying--a confidence, which must have stopped
+      my mind in its career--which would have saved me the bitter,
+      agonizing, pangs I have sustained. Mine were not common
+      feelings--it is _obscurity_ and _mystery_ which has wrought
+      them up to frenzy--_truth_ and _certainty_ would, long ere
+      this, have caused them temporarily to subside into their
+      accustomed channels. You understand little of the human
+      heart, if you cannot conceive this--"Where the imagination
+      is vivid, the feelings strong, the views and desires not
+      bounded by common rules;--in such minds, passions, if not
+      subdued, become ungovernable and fatal: where there is much
+      warmth, much enthusiasm, there is much danger.--My mind is
+      no less ardent than yours, though education and habit may
+      have given it a different turn--it glows with equal zeal to
+      attain its end."[11] Yes, I must continue to repeat, there
+      has been in your conduct _one grand mistake_; and the train
+      of consequences which may, yet, ensue, are uncertain, and
+      threatening.--But, I mean no reproach--we are all liable to
+      errors; and my own, I feel, are many, and various. But to
+      return--
+
+         [Footnote 11: Holcraft's Anna St Ives.]
+
+      'You may suppose I have revolved, in my thoughts, every
+      possible difficulty on the subject alluded to; balancing
+      their degrees of probability and force:--and, I will frankly
+      confess, such is the sanguine ardour of my temper, that I
+      can conceive but one obstacle, that would be _absolutely
+      invincible_; which is, supposing that you have already
+      contracted a _legal, irrecoverable_, engagement. Yet, this I
+      do not suppose. I will arrange, under five heads, (on all
+      occasions, I love to class and methodize) every other
+      possible species of objection, and subjoin all the
+      reasonings which have occurred to me on the subjects.
+
+      'And, first, I will imagine, as the most serious and
+      threatening difficulty, that you love another. I would,
+      then, ask--Is she capable of estimating your worth--does she
+      love you--has she the magnanimity to tell you so--would she
+      sacrifice to that affection every meaner consideration--has
+      she the merit to secure, as well as accomplishments to
+      attract, your regard?--You are too well acquainted with the
+      human heart, not to be aware, that what is commonly called
+      love is of a fleeting nature, kept alive only by hopes and
+      fears, if the qualities upon which it is founded afford no
+      basis for its subsiding into tender confidence, and rational
+      esteem. Beauty may inspire a transient desire, vivacity
+      amuse, for a time, by its sportive graces; but the first
+      will quickly fade and grow familiar--the last degenerate
+      into impertinence and insipidity. Interrogate your own
+      heart--Would you not, when the ardour of the passions, and
+      the fervor of the imagination, subsided, wish to find the
+      sensible, intelligent, friend, take place of the engaging
+      mistress?--Would you not expect the economical manager of
+      your affairs, the rational and judicious mother to your
+      offspring, the faithful sharer of your cares, the firm
+      friend to your interest, the tender consoler of your
+      sorrows, the companion in whom you could wholly confide, the
+      discerning participator of your nobler pursuits, the friend
+      of your virtues, your talents, your reputation--who could
+      understand you, who was formed to pass the ordeal of honour,
+      virtue, friendship?--Ask yourself these questions--ask them
+      closely, without sophistry, and without evasion. You are
+      not, now, an infatuated boy! Supposing, then, that you are,
+      at present, entangled in an engagement which answers not
+      this description--Is it virtue to fulfil, or to renounce,
+      it? Contrast it with my affection, with its probable
+      consequences, and weigh our different claims! _Would you
+      have been the selected choice, of this woman, from all
+      mankind_--would no other be capable of making her equally
+      happy--would nothing compensate to her for your loss--are
+      you the only object that she beholds in creation--might not
+      another engagement suit her equally well, or better--is her
+      whole soul absorbed but by one sentiment, that of fervent
+      love for you--is her future usefulness, as well as peace, at
+      stake--does she understand your high qualities better than
+      myself--will she emulate them more?--Does the engagement
+      promise a favourable issue, or does it threaten to wear
+      away the best period of life in protracted and uncertain
+      feeling--_the most pernicious, and destructive, of all state
+      of mind?_ Remember, also, that the summer of life will
+      quickly fade; and that he who has reached the summit of the
+      hill, has no time to lose--if he seize not the present
+      moment, age is approaching, and life melting fast away.--I
+      quit this, to state my second hypothesis--
+
+      'That you esteem and respect me, but that your heart has
+      hitherto refused the sympathies I have sought to awaken
+      in it. If this be the case, it remains to search for the
+      reason; and, I own, I am at a loss to find it, either in
+      moral, or physical, causes. Our principles are in unison,
+      our tastes and habits not dissimilar, our knowledge of, and
+      confidence in, each other's virtues is reciprocal, tried,
+      and established--our ages, personal accomplishments, and
+      mental acquirements do not materially differ. From such an
+      union, I conceive, mutual advantages would result. I have
+      found myself distinguished, esteemed, beloved by, others,
+      where I have not sought for this distinction. How, then, can
+      I believe it compatible with the nature of mind, that so
+      many strong efforts, and reiterated impressions, can have
+      produced no effect upon yours? Is your heart constituted
+      differently from every other human heart?--I have lately
+      observed an inequality in your behaviour, that has whispered
+      something flattering to my heart. Examine yourself--Have you
+      felt no peculiar interest in what concerns me--would the
+      idea of our separation affect you with no more than a slight
+      and common emotion?--One more question propose to yourself,
+      as a test--Could you see me form a new, and more fortunate,
+      attachment, with indifference? If you cannot, without
+      hesitation, answer these questions, I have still a powerful
+      pleader in your bosom, though unconscious of it yourself,
+      that will, ultimately, prevail. If I have, yet, failed of
+      producing an unequivocal effect, it must arise from having
+      mistaken the _means_ proper to produce the desired _end_.
+      My own sensibility, and my imperfect knowledge of your
+      character may, here, have combined to mislead me. The first,
+      by its suffocating and depressing powers, clouding my
+      vivacity, incapacitating me from appearing to you with
+      my natural advantages--these effects would diminish as
+      assurance took the place of doubt. The last, every day would
+      contribute to correct. Permit me, then, _to hope for_, as
+      well as to seek your affections, and if I do not, at length,
+      gain and secure them, it will be a phenomenon in the history
+      of mind!
+
+      'But to proceed to my third supposition--The peculiar,
+      pecuniary, embarrassments of your situation--Good God!
+      did this barbarous, insidious, relation, allow himself
+      to consider the pernicious consequences of his absurd
+      bequest?--threatening to undermine every manly principle, to
+      blast every social virtue? Oh! that I had the eloquence to
+      rouse you from this tame and unworthy acquiescence--to
+      stimulate you to exercise your talents, to trust to the
+      independent energies of your mind, to exert yourself to
+      procure the honest rewards of virtuous industry. In
+      proportion as we lean for support on foreign aid, we lose
+      the dignity of our nature, and palsey those powers which
+      constitute that nature's worth. Yet, I will allow, from my
+      knowledge of your habits and associations, this obstacle its
+      full force. But there remains one method of obviating, even
+      this! I will frankly confess, that could I hope to gain
+      the interest in your heart, which I have so long and
+      so earnestly sought--my confidence in your honour and
+      integrity, my tenderness for you, added to the wish of
+      contributing to your happiness, would effect, what no lesser
+      considerations could have effected--would triumph, not over
+      my principles, (_for the individuality of an affection
+      constitutes its chastity_) but over my prudence. I repeat, I
+      am willing to sacrifice every inferior consideration--retain
+      your legacy, so capriciously bequeathed--retain your present
+      situation, and I will retain mine. This proposition, though
+      not a violation of modesty, certainly involves in it very
+      serious hazards--_It is, wholly, the triumph of affection!_
+      You cannot suppose, that a transient engagement would
+      satisfy a mind like mine; I should require a reciprocal
+      faith plighted and returned--an after separation, otherwise
+      than by mutual consent, would be my destruction--I should
+      not survive your desertion. My existence, then, would be in
+      your hands. Yet, having once confided, your affection should
+      be my recompence--my sacrifice should be a cheerful and a
+      voluntary one; I would determine not to harrass you with
+      doubts nor jealousies, I would neither reflect upon the
+      past, nor distrust the future: I would rest upon you, I
+      would confide in you fearlessly and entirely! but, though I
+      would not enquire after the past, my delicacy would require
+      the assurance of your present, undivided, affection.
+
+      'The fourth idea that has occurred to me, is the probability
+      of your having formed a plan of seeking some agreeable woman
+      of fortune, who should be willing to reward a man of merit
+      for the injustice of society. Whether you may already have
+      experienced some disappointments of this nature, I will not
+      pretend to determine. I can conceive, that, by many women,
+      a coxcomb might be preferred to you--however this may be,
+      the plan is not unattended with risque, nor with some
+      possible degrading circumstances--and you may succeed, and
+      yet be miserable: happiness depends not upon the abundance
+      of our possessions.
+
+      'The last case which I shall state, and on which I shall
+      lay little comparative stress, is the possibility of an
+      engagement of a very inferior nature--a mere affair of the
+      senses. The arguments which might here be adduced are too
+      obvious to be repeated. Besides, I think highly of your
+      refinement and delicacy--Having therefore just hinted, I
+      leave it with you.
+
+      'And now to conclude--After considering all I have urged,
+      you may, perhaps, reply--That the subject is too nice and
+      too subtle for reasoning, and that the heart is not to
+      be compelled. These, I think, are mistakes. There is no
+      subject, in fact, that may not be subjected to the laws
+      of investigation and reasoning. What is it that we
+      desire--_pleasure_--_happiness_? I allow, pleasure is the
+      supreme good: but it may be analyzed--it must have a stable
+      foundation--to this analysis I now call you! This is
+      the critical moment, upon which hangs a long chain of
+      events--This moment may decide your future destiny and
+      mine--it may, even, affect that of unborn myriads! My spirit
+      is pervaded with these important ideas--my heart flutters--I
+      breathe with difficulty--_My friend_--_I would give myself
+      to you_--the gift is not worthless. Pause a moment, ere you
+      rudely throw from you an affection so tried, so respectable,
+      so worthy of you! The heart may be compelled--compelled
+      by the touching sympathies which bind, with sacred,
+      indissoluble ties, mind to mind! Do not prepare for yourself
+      future remorse--when lost, you may recollect my worth, and
+      my affection, and remember them with regret--Yet mistake me
+      not, I have no intention to intimidate--I think it my duty
+      to live, while I may possibly be useful to others, however
+      bitter and oppressive may be that existence. I will live
+      _for duty_, though peace and enjoyment should be for ever
+      fled. You may rob me of my happiness, you may rob me of my
+      strength, but, even, you cannot destroy my principles. And,
+      if no other motive with-held me from rash determinations, my
+      tenderness for you (it is not a selfish tenderness), would
+      prevent me from adding, to the anxieties I have already
+      given you, the cruel pang, of feeling yourself the occasion,
+      however unintentionally, of the destruction of a fellow
+      creature.
+
+      'While I await your answer, I summon to my heart all its
+      remaining strength and spirits. Say to me, in clear and
+      decisive terms, that the obstacles which oppose my affection
+      _are absolutely, and altogether, insuperable_--Or that
+      there is a possibility of their removal, but that time and
+      patience are, yet, necessary to determine their force. In
+      this case, I will not disturb the future operations of your
+      mind, assuring myself, that you will continue my suspence no
+      longer than is proper and requisite--or frankly accept, and
+      return, the faith of her to whom you are infinitely dearer
+      than life itself!
+
+      'Early to-morrow morning, a messenger shall call for the
+      paper, which is to decide the colour of my future destiny.
+      Every moment, that the blow has been suspended, it has
+      acquired additional force--since it must, at length,
+      descend, it would be weakness still to desire its
+      protraction--We have, already, refined too much--_I promise
+      to live--more, alas! I cannot promise_.
+
+      '_Farewel!_ dearest and most beloved of men--whatever may be
+      my fate--_be happiness yours!_ Once more, my lingering,
+      foreboding heart, repeats _farewel!_
+
+                                                         'EMMA.'
+
+
+It would be unnecessary to paint my feelings during the interval in
+which I waited a reply to this letter--I struggled to repress hope, and
+to prepare my mind for the dissolution of a thousand air-built fabrics.
+The day wore tediously away in strong emotion, and strong exertion. On
+the subsequent morning, I sat, waiting the return of my messenger,
+in a state of mind, difficult even to be conceived--I heard him
+enter--breathless, I flew to meet him--I held out my hand--I could not
+speak.
+
+'Mr Harley desired me to tell you, _he had not had time to write_.'
+
+Gracious God! I shudder, even now, to recall the convulsive sensation! I
+sunk into a chair--I sat for some time motionless, every faculty seemed
+suspended. At length, returning to recollection, I wrote a short
+incoherent note, entreating--
+
+'To be spared another day, another night, like the preceding--I asked
+only _one single line_! In the morning I had made up my mind to
+fortitude--it was now sinking--another day, I could not answer for the
+consequences.'
+
+Again an interval of suspense--again my messenger returned with
+a verbal reply--'_He would write to-morrow._' Unconsciously, I
+exclaimed--'_Barbarous, unfeeling, unpitying, man!_' A burst of tears
+relieved--no--_it did not relieve me_. The day passed--I know not
+how--I dare not recollect.
+
+The next morning, I arose, somewhat refreshed; my exhausted strength and
+spirits had procured me a few hours of profound slumber. A degree of
+resentment gave a temporary firmness to my nerves. 'What happiness (I
+repeated to myself) could I have expected with a man, thus regardless of
+my feelings?' I composed my spirits--_hope was at an end_--into a sort
+of sullen resignation to my fate--a half stupor!
+
+At noon the letter arrived, coldly, confusedly written; methought there
+appeared even a degree of irritation in it.
+
+'_Another, a prior attachment_--His behaviour had been such, as
+necessarily resulted from such an engagement--unavoidable circumstances
+had prevented an earlier reply.' My swollen heart--but it is enough--'He
+blamed my impatience--he would, in future, perhaps, when my mind had
+attained more composure, make some remarks on my letter.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+
+To write had always afforded a temporary relief to my spirits--The next
+day I resumed my pen.
+
+
+      TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY.
+
+      'If, after reflecting upon, and comparing, many parts of
+      your past conduct, you can acquit yourself, at the sacred
+      bar of humanity--it is well! How often have I called
+      for--urged, with all the energy of truth and feeling--but in
+      vain--such a letter as you have at length written--and,
+      _even now_, though somewhat late, I thank you for it. Yet,
+      what could have been easier, than to repeat so plain and so
+      simple a tale? The vague hints, you had before given, I had
+      repeatedly declared to be insufficient. Remember, all my
+      earnestness, and all my simplicity, and _learn the value of
+      sincerity_! "Oh! with what difficulty is an active mind,
+      once forced into any particular train, persuaded to desert
+      it as hopeless!"[12]
+
+         [Footnote 12: Godwin's Caleb Williams.]
+
+      'This recital, then, was not to be confirmed, till the whole
+      moral conformation of my mind was affected--till the barbed
+      arrow had fixed, and rankled in, and poisoned, with its
+      envenomed point, every vein, every fibre, of my heart. This,
+      I confess, is now the case--Reason and self-respect sustain
+      me--but the wound you have inflicted _is indelible_--it will
+      continue to be the corroding canker at the root of my peace.
+      My youth has been worn in anguish--and the summer of life
+      will probably be overshadowed by a still thicker and darker
+      cloud. But I mean not to reproach you--it is not given me to
+      contribute to your happiness--the dearest and most ardent
+      wish of my soul--I would not then inflict unnecessary
+      pain--yet, I would fix upon your mind, the value of
+      _unequivocal sincerity_.
+
+      'Had the happiness of any human being, the meanest, the
+      vilest, depended as much upon me, as mine has done on you, I
+      would have sacrificed, for their relief, the dearest secret
+      of my heart--the secret, even upon which my very existence
+      had depended. It is true, you did not directly deceive
+      me--but is that enough for the delicacy of humanity? May the
+      past be an affecting lesson to us both--it is written upon
+      my mind in characters of blood. I feel, and acknowledge, my
+      own errors, in yielding to the illusion of vague, visionary,
+      expectation; but my faults have originated in a generous
+      source--they have been the wild, ardent, fervent, excesses,
+      of a vigorous and an exalted mind!
+
+      'I checked my tears, as they flowed, and they are already
+      dried--uncalled, unwished, for--why do they, thus, struggle
+      to force their way? my mind has, I hope, too much energy,
+      utterly to sink--I know what it is to suffer, and to combat
+      with, if not to subdue, my feelings--and _certainty_,
+      itself, is some relief. I am, also, supported by the
+      retrospect of my conduct; with all its mistakes, and all its
+      extravagances, it has been that of a virtuous, ingenuous,
+      uncorrupted, mind. You have contemned a heart of no common
+      value, you have sported with its exquisite sensibilities--but
+      it will, still, know how to separate your virtues from
+      your errors.
+
+      'You reprove, perhaps justly, my impatience--I can only say,
+      that circumstanced as you were, I should have stolen an hour
+      from rest, from company, from business, however, important,
+      to have relieved and soothed a fellow-creature in a
+      situation, so full of pain and peril. Every thought, during
+      a day scarcely to be recollected without agony, _was a
+      two-edged sword_--but some hours of profound and refreshing
+      slumber recruited my exhausted spirits, and enabled me,
+      yesterday, to receive my fate, with a fortitude but little
+      hoped for.
+
+      'You would oblige me exceedingly by the remarks you allow me
+      to hope for, on my letter of the ----th. You know, I will
+      not shrink from reproof--that letter afforded you the last
+      proof of my affection, and I repent not of it. I loved you,
+      first, for what, I conceived, high qualities of mind--from
+      nature and association, my tenderness became personal--till
+      at length, I loved you, not only rationally and
+      tenderly--_but passionately_--it became a pervading and a
+      devouring fire! And, yet, I do not blush--my affection
+      was modest, if intemperate, _for it was individual_--it
+      annihilated in my eyes every other man in the creation. I
+      regret these natural sensations and affections, their
+      forcible suppression injures the mind--it converts the mild
+      current of gentle, and genial sympathies, into a destructive
+      torrent. This, I have the courage to avow it, has been one
+      of the miserable mistakes in morals, and, like all other
+      partial remedies, has increased the evil, it was intended
+      to correct. From monastic institutions and principles have
+      flowed, as from a polluted source, streams, that have
+      at once spread through society a mingled contagion of
+      dissoluteness and hypocrisy.
+
+      'You have suddenly arrested my affections in their full
+      career--in all their glowing effervescence--you have taken
+
+                                      "The rose
+        From the fair forehead of an innocent love,
+        And placed a blister there."
+
+      'And, yet, I survive the shock, and determine to live, not
+      for future enjoyment--that is now, for ever, past--_but for
+      future usefulness_--Is not this virtue?
+
+      'I am sorry your attachment has been and I fear is likely
+      to be, protracted--I know, too well, the misery of
+      these situations, and I should, now, feel a melancholy
+      satisfaction in hearing of its completion--In that
+      completion, may you experience no disappointment! I do not
+      wish you to be beloved, as I have loved you; this, perhaps,
+      is unnecessary; such an affection, infallibly, enslaves the
+      heart that cherishes it; and slavery is the tomb of virtue
+      and of peace.
+
+      'I believe it would not be proper for us to meet again--at
+      least at present--should I hear of sickness, or calamity,
+      befalling you, I shall, I suspect, be impelled, by an
+      irresistible impulse to seek you--but I will no more
+      interrupt your repose--Though you have contemned my
+      affection, my friendship will still follow you.
+
+      'If you really _love_, I think you ought to make some
+      sacrifices, and not render yourself, and the happy
+      object of your tenderness, the victims of factitious
+      notions.--Remember--youth and life will quickly
+      fade. Relinquish, call upon her to relinquish, her
+      prejudices--should she refuse, she is unworthy of you, and
+      you will regret, too late, the tender, faithful, ingenuous
+      heart, that you have pierced through and through--_that
+      you have almost broken_! Should she make you happy, I will
+      esteem, though I may never have an opportunity of thanking,
+      her--Were she informed of my conduct, she might rejoice in
+      the trial of your affection--though I should not.
+
+      'The spirits, that had crouded round my heart, are already
+      subsiding--a flood of softness, a tide of overwhelming
+      affection, gushes upon it--and I feel sinking into helpless,
+      infantine, distress! Hasten to me your promised remarks--they
+      will rouse, they will strengthen, me--_Truth_ I will never
+      call indelicate or inhuman--it is only the virtuous mind
+      can dare to practise, to challenge, it:--simplicity is true
+      refinement.
+
+      'Let us reap from the past all the good we can--a close, and
+      searching, knowledge of the secret springs and foldings of
+      our hearts. Methinks, I could wish you justified, _even at
+      my own expence_.--I ask, unshrinkingly, a frank return.
+
+      'A heart-rending sigh accompanies my _farewel_--the last
+      struggles of expiring nature will be far less painful--but
+      my philosophy, now, _sternly_ calls upon me to put its
+      precepts in practice--trembling--shuddering--I obey!
+
+                                '_Farewel!_
+                                                         'EMMA.'
+
+
+Perhaps it cost me some effort to make the preceding letter so
+moderate--yet, every victory gained over ourselves is attended with
+advantages. But this apparent calm was the lethargy of despair--it was
+succeeded by severer conflicts, by keener anguish. A week passed, and
+near a second--I received no answer.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+
+A letter from the country made it necessary for me, again, to address Mr
+Harley, to make some enquiries which respected business of his mother's.
+It may be, that I felt a mixture of other motives;--it is certain, that
+when I wrote, I spoke of more than business.
+
+
+      'I had hoped,' I told him, 'ere this, to have received the
+      promised letter--Yet, I do not take up my pen,' said I,
+      'either to complain of, or to importune, you. If I have
+      already expressed myself with bitterness, let the harrassed
+      state of my mind be my excuse. My own conduct has been too
+      erroneous, too eccentric, to enable me to judge impartially
+      of your's. Forgive me, if by placing you in an embarrassing
+      situation, I have exposed you to consequent mistake or
+      uneasiness. I feel, that whatever errors we may either of
+      us have committed, _originated only with myself_, and I am
+      content to suffer all the consequences. It is true, had you
+      reposed in me an early, generous, confidence, much misery
+      would have been avoided--I had not been wounded
+
+         "There, where the human heart most exquisitely
+           feels!"
+
+      'You had been still my friend, and I had been comparatively
+      happy. Every passion is, in a great measure, the growth of
+      indulgence: all our desires are, in their commencement,
+      easily suppressed, when there appears no probability of
+      attaining their object; but when strengthened, by time and
+      reflection, into habit, in endeavouring to eradicate them,
+      we tear away part of the mind. In my attachments there is a
+      kind of savage tenacity--they are of an elastic nature,
+      and, being forced back, return with additional violence.
+
+      'My affection for you has not been, altogether, irrational
+      or selfish. While I felt that I loved you, as no other
+      woman, I was convinced, would love you--I conceived, could I
+      once engage your heart, I could satisfy, and even, purify
+      it. While I loved your virtues, I thought I saw, and I
+      lamented, the foibles which sullied them. I suspected you,
+      perhaps erroneously, of pride, ambition, the love of
+      distinction; yet your ambition could not, I thought, be of
+      an ignoble nature--I feared that the gratifications you
+      sought, if, indeed, attainable, were factitious--I even
+      fancied I perceived you, against your better judgment,
+      labouring to seduce yourself!' "He is under a delusion,"
+      said I, to myself;--"reason may be stunned, or blinded, for
+      awhile; but it will revive in the heart, and do its office,
+      when sophistry will be of no avail." I saw you struggling
+      with vexations, that I was assured might be meliorated by
+      tender confidence--I longed to pour its balms into your
+      bosom. My sensibility disquieted you, and myself, only
+      _because it was constrained_. I thought I perceived a
+      conflict in your mind--I watched its progress with attention
+      and solicitude. A thousand times has my fluttering heart
+      yearned to break the cruel chains that fettered it, and to
+      chase the cloud, which stole over your brow, by the tender,
+      yet chaste, caresses and endearments of ineffable affection!
+      My feelings became too highly wrought, and altogether
+      insupportable. Sympathy for your situation, zeal for your
+      virtues, love for your mind, tenderness for your person--a
+      complication of generous, affecting, exquisite, emotions,
+      impelled me to make one great effort.--"[13] The world might
+      call my plans absurd, my views romantic, my pretensions
+      extravagant--Was I, or was I not, guilty of any crime, when,
+      in the very acme of the passions, I so totally disregarded
+      the customs of the world?" Ah! what were my sensations--what
+      did I not suffer, in the interval?--and you prolonged that
+      cruel interval--and still you suffer me to doubt, whether,
+      at the moment in my life when I was actuated by the highest,
+      the most fervent, the most magnanimous, principles--whether,
+      at that moment, when I most deserved your respect, I did not
+      for ever forfeit it.
+
+         [Footnote 13: Holcroft's Anna St Ives.]
+
+      'I seek not to extenuate any part of my conduct--I confess
+      that it has been wild, extravagant, romantic--I confess,
+      that, even for your errors, I am justly blameable--and yet
+      I am unable to bear, because I feel they would be unjust,
+      your hatred and contempt. I cherish no resentment--my spirit
+      is subdued and broken--your unkindness sinks into my soul.
+
+                                                           'EMMA.'
+
+
+Another fortnight wore away in fruitless expectation--the morning
+rose, the evening closed, upon me, in sadness. I could not, yet, think
+the mystery developed: on a concentrated view of the circumstances,
+they appeared to me contradictory, and irreconcileable. A solitary
+enthusiast, a child in the drama of the world, I had yet to learn, that
+those who have courage to act upon advanced principles, must be content
+to suffer moral martyrdom.[14] In subduing our own prejudices, we have
+done little, while assailed on every side by the prejudices of others.
+My own heart acquitted me; but I dreaded that distortion of mind, that
+should wrest guilt out of the most sublime of its emanations.
+
+      [Footnote 14: This sentiment may be just in some particular
+      cases, but it is by no means of general application, and
+      must be understood with great limitations.]
+
+I ruminated in gloomy silence, on my forlorn, and hopeless, situation.
+'If there be not a future state of being,' said I to myself, 'what is
+this!--Tortured in every stage of it, "Man cometh forth like a flower,
+and is cut down--he fleeth, as a shadow, and continueth not!"--I looked
+backward on my past life, and my heart sickened--its confidence in
+humanity was shaken--I looked forward, and all was cheerless. I had
+certainly committed many errors!--Who has not--who, with a fancy as
+lively, feelings as acute, and a character as sanguine, as mine? "What,
+in fact," says a philosophic writer,[15] "is character?--the production
+of a lively and constant affection, and consequently, of a strong
+passion:"--eradicate that passion, that ferment, that leaven, that
+exuberance, which raises and makes the mind what it is, and what
+remains? Yet, let us beware how we wantonly expend this divine, this
+invigorating, power. Every grand error, in a mind of energy, in its
+operations and consequences, carries us years forward--_precious years,
+never to be recalled_!' I could find no substitute for the sentiments
+I regretted--for that sentiment formed my character; and, but for the
+obstacles which gave it force, though I might have suffered less
+misery, I should, I suspect, have gained less improvement; still
+adversity _is a real evil_; and I foreboded that this improvement had
+been purchased too dear.
+
+      [Footnote 15: Helvetius.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+
+Weeks elapsed ere the promised letter arrived--a letter still colder,
+and more severe, than the former. I wept over it, bitter tears!
+It accused me 'of adding to the vexations of a situation, before
+sufficiency oppressive.'--Alas! had I known the nature of those
+vexations, could I have merited such a reproof? The Augustus, I had so
+long and so tenderly loved, no longer seemed to exist. Some one had,
+surely, usurped his signature, and imitated those characters, I had been
+accustomed to trace with delight. He tore himself from me, _nor would
+he deign to soften the pang of separation_. Anguish overwhelmed me--my
+heart was pierced. Reclining my head on my folded arms, I yielded myself
+up to silent grief. Alone, sad, desolate, no one heeded my sorrows--no
+eye pitied me--no friendly voice cheered my wounded spirit! The social
+propensities of a mind forbidden to expand itself, forced back, preyed
+incessantly upon that mind, secretly consuming its powers.
+
+I was one day roused from these melancholy reflections by the entrance
+of my cousin, Mrs Denbeigh. She held in her hand a letter, from my only
+remaining friend, Mrs Harley. I snatched it hastily; my heart, lacerated
+by the seeming unkindness of him in whom it had confided, yearned to
+imbibe the consolation, which the gentle tenderness of this dear,
+maternal, friend, had never failed to administer. The first paragraph
+informed me--
+
+
+      'That she had, a few days since, received a letter from the
+      person to whom the legacy of her son devolved, should he
+      fail in observing the prescribed conditions of the testator:
+      that this letter gave her notice, that those conditions had
+      already been infringed, Mr Harley having contracted a
+      marriage, three years before, with a foreigner, with whom
+      he had become acquainted during his travels; that this
+      marriage had been kept a secret, and, but very lately, by an
+      accidental concurrence of circumstances, revealed to the
+      person most concerned in the detection. Undoubted proofs of
+      the truth of this information could be produced; it would
+      therefore be most prudent in her son to resign his claims,
+      without putting himself, and the legal heir, to unnecessary
+      expence and litigation. Ignorant of the residence of Mr
+      Harley, the writer troubled his mother to convey to him
+      these particulars.'
+
+
+The paper dropped from my hand, the colour forsook my lips and
+cheeks;--yet I neither wept, nor fainted. Mrs Denbeigh took my
+hands--they were frozen--the blood seemed congealed in my veins--and I
+sat motionless--my faculties suspended, stunned, locked up! My friend
+spake to me--embraced, shed tears over, me--but she could not excite
+mine;--my mind was pervaded by a sense of confused misery. I remained
+many days in this situation--it was a state, of which I have but a
+feeble remembrance; and I, at length, awoke from it, as from a
+troublesome dream.
+
+With returning reason, the tide of recollection also returned. Oh!
+how complicated appeared to me the guilt of Augustus! Ignorant of his
+situation, I had been unconsciously, and perseveringly, exerting myself
+to seduce the affections of a _husband_ from his _wife_. He had made
+me almost criminal in my own eyes--he had risqued, at once, by a
+disingenuous and cruel reserve, the virtue and the happiness of three
+beings. What is virtue, but a calculation of _the consequences of our
+actions_? Did we allow ourselves to reason on this principle, to reflect
+on its truth and importance, we should be compelled to shudder at many
+parts of our conduct, which, _taken unconnectedly_, we have habituated
+ourselves to consider as almost indifferent. Virtue can exist only in a
+mind capable of taking comprehensive views. How criminal, then, is
+ignorance!
+
+During this sickness of the soul, Mr Francis, who had occasionally
+visited me since my residence in town, called, repeatedly, to enquire
+after my welfare; expressing a friendly concern for my indisposition. I
+saw him not--I was incapable of seeing any one--but, informed by my kind
+hostess of his humane attentions, soothed by the idea of having yet
+a friend who seemed to interest himself in my concerns, I once more
+had recourse to my pen (Mrs Denbeigh having officiously placed the
+implements of writing in my way), and addressed him in the wild and
+incoherent language of despair.
+
+
+      TO MR FRANCIS.
+
+      'You once told me, that I was incapable of heroism; and you
+      were right--yet, I am called to great exertions! a blow that
+      has been suspended over my head, days, weeks, months, years,
+      has at length fallen--still I live! My tears flow--I
+      struggle, in vain, to suppress them, but they are not tears
+      of blood!--My heart, though pierced through and through, is
+      not broken!
+
+      'My friend, come and teach me how to acquire fortitude--I
+      am wearied with misery--All nature is to me a blank--an
+      envenomed shaft rankles in my bosom--philosophy will not
+      heal the festering wound--_I am exquisitely wretched!_
+
+      'Do not chide me till I get more strength--I speak to you of
+      my sorrows, for your kindness, while I was yet a stranger to
+      you, inspired me with confidence, and my desolate heart
+      looks round for support.
+
+      'I am indebted to you--how shall I repay your goodness? Do
+      you, indeed, interest yourself in my fate? Call upon me,
+      then, for the few incidents of my life--I will relate them
+      simply, and without disguise. There is nothing uncommon in
+      them, but the effect which they have produced upon my
+      mind--yet, that mind they formed.
+
+      'After all, my friend, what a wretched farce is life! Why
+      cannot I sleep, and, close my eyes upon it for ever? But
+      something whispers, "_this would be wrong_."--How shall
+      I tear from my heart all its darling, close twisted,
+      associations?--And must I live--_live for what?_ God only
+      knows! Yet, how am I sure that there is a God--is he
+      wise--is he powerful--is he benevolent? If he be, can
+      he sport himself in the miseries of poor, feeble,
+      impotent, beings, forced into existence, without their
+      choice--impelled, by the iron hand of necessity, through
+      mistake, into calamity?--Ah! my friend, who will condemn the
+      poor solitary wanderer, whose feet are pierced with many a
+      thorn, should he turn suddenly out of the rugged path, seek
+      an obscure shade to shrowd his wounds, his sorrows, and
+      his indignation, from the scorn of a pitiless world, and
+      accelerate the hour of repose.[16] Who would be born if they
+      could help it? You would perhaps--_you may do good_--But on
+      me, the sun shines only to mock my woes--Oh! that I had
+      never seen the light.
+
+      [Footnote 16: This is the reasoning of a mind distorted by
+      passion. Even in the moment of disappointment, our heroine
+      judged better. See page 38.]
+
+      'Torn by conflicting passions--wasted in anguish--life is
+      melting fast away--A burthen to myself, a grief to those
+      who love me, and worthless to every one. Weakened by long
+      suspence--preyed upon, by a combination of imperious
+      feelings--I fear, I greatly fear, the _irrecoverable blow
+      is struck_! But I blame no one--I have been entangled in
+      error--_who is faultless?_
+
+      'While pouring itself out on paper, my tortured mind has
+      experienced a momentary relief: If your heart be inaccessible
+      to tender sympathies, I have only been adding one more to my
+      numberless mistakes!
+                                                           'EMMA.'
+
+
+Mr Francis visited me, and evinced for my situation the most humane and
+delicate consideration. He reminded me of the offer I had made him, and
+requested the performance of my engagement. In compliance with this
+request, and to beguile my melancholy thoughts, I drew up a sketch of
+the events of my past life, and unfolded a history of the sentiments of
+my mind (from which I have extracted the preceding materials) reserving
+only any circumstance which might lead to a detection of the name and
+family of the man with whom they were so intimately blended.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+
+After having perused my manuscript, Mr Francis returned it, at my
+desire, accompanied by the following letter.
+
+
+      TO EMMA COURTNEY.
+
+      'Your narrative leaves me full of admiration for your
+      qualities, and compassion for your insanity.
+
+      'I entreat however your attention to the following passage,
+      extracted from your papers. "After considering all I have
+      urged, you may perhaps reply, that the subject is too nice,
+      and too subtle, for reasoning, and that the heart is not
+      to be compelled. This, I think, is a mistake. There is no
+      topic, in fact, that may not be subjected to the laws of
+      investigation and reasoning. What is it we desire? pleasure,
+      happiness. What! the pleasure of an instant, only; or that
+      which is more solid and permanent? I allow, pleasure is the
+      supreme good! but it may be analysed. To this analysis I now
+      call you."
+
+      'Could I, if I had studied for years, invent a comment on
+      your story, more salutary to your sorrows, more immoveable
+      in its foundation, more clearly expressed, or more
+      irresistibly convincing to every rational mind?
+
+      'How few real, substantial, misfortunes there are in the
+      world! how few calamities, the sting of which does not
+      depend upon our cherishing the viper in our bosom, and
+      applying the aspic to our veins! The general pursuit of all
+      men, we are frequently told, is happiness. I have often been
+      tempted to think, on the contrary, that the general pursuit
+      is misery. It is true, men do not recognize it by its
+      genuine appellation; they content themselves with the
+      pitiful expedient of assigning it a new denomination. But,
+      if their professed purpose were misery, could they be more
+      skilful and ingenious in the pursuit?
+
+      'Look through your whole life. To speak from your own
+      description, was there ever a life, in its present period,
+      less chequered with substantial _bona fide_ misfortune? The
+      whole force of every thing which looks like a misfortune
+      was assiduously, unintermittedly, provided by yourself. You
+      nursed in yourself a passion, which, taken in the degree
+      in which you experienced it, is the unnatural and odious
+      invention of a distempered civilization, and which in
+      almost all instances generates an immense overbalance of
+      excruciating misery. Your conduct will scarcely admit of any
+      other denomination than moon-struck madness, hunting after
+      torture. You addressed a man impenetrable as a rock, and
+      the smallest glimpse of sober reflection, and common sense,
+      would have taught you instantly to have given up the
+      pursuit.
+
+      'I know you will tell me, and you will tell yourself, a
+      great deal about constitution, early association, and the
+      indissoluble chain of habits and sentiments. But I answer
+      with small fear of being erroneous, "It is a mistake to
+      suppose, that the heart is not to be compelled. There is no
+      topic, in fact, that may not be subjected to the laws of
+      investigation and reasoning. Pleasure, happiness, is the
+      supreme good; and happiness is susceptible of being
+      analysed." I grant, that the state of a human mind cannot be
+      changed at once; but, had you worshipped at the altar of
+      reason but half as assiduously as you have sacrificed at
+      the shrine of illusion, your present happiness would have
+      been as enviable, as your present distress is worthy of
+      compassion. If men would but take the trouble to ask
+      themselves, once every day, Why should I be miserable? how
+      many, to whom life is a burthen, would become chearful and
+      contented.
+
+      'Make a catalogue of all the real evils of human life;
+      bodily pain, compulsory solitude, severe corporal labour,
+      in a word, all those causes which deprive us of health, or
+      the means of spending our time in animated, various, and
+      rational pursuits. Aye, these are real evils! But I should
+      be ashamed of putting disappointed love into my enumeration.
+      Evils of this sort are the brood of folly begotten upon
+      fastidious indolence. They shrink into non-entity, when
+      touched by the wand of truth.
+
+      'The first lesson of enlightened reason, the great fountain
+      of heroism and virtue, the principle by which alone man can
+      become what man is capable of being, is _independence_. May
+      every power that is favourable to integrity, to honour,
+      defend me from leaning upon another for support! I will use
+      the word, I will use my fellow men, but I will not abuse
+      these invaluable benefits of the system of nature. I will
+      not be weak and criminal enough, to make my peace depend
+      upon the precarious thread of another's life or another's
+      pleasure. I will judge for myself; I will draw my support
+      from myself--the support of my existence and the support
+      of my happiness. The system of nature has perhaps made me
+      dependent for the means of existence and happiness upon my
+      fellow men taken collectively; but nothing but my own
+      folly can make me dependent upon individuals. Will these
+      principles prevent me from admiring, esteeming, and loving
+      such as are worthy to excite these emotions? Can I not have
+      a mind to understand, and a heart to feel excellence,
+      without first parting with the fairest attribute of my
+      nature?
+
+      'You boast of your sincerity and frankness. You have
+      doubtless some reason for your boast--Yet all your
+      misfortunes seem to have arisen from concealment. You
+      brooded over your emotions, and considered them as a sacred
+      deposit--You have written to me, I have seen you frequently,
+      during the whole of this transaction, without ever having
+      received the slightest hint of it, yet, if I be a fit
+      counsellor now, I was a fit counsellor then; your folly was
+      so gross, that, if it had been exposed to the light of day,
+      it could not have subsisted for a moment. Even now you
+      suppress the name of your hero: yet, unless I know how much
+      of a hero and a model of excellence he would appear in my
+      eyes, I can be but a very imperfect judge of the affair.
+
+                                                  '---- FRANCIS.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+
+To the remonstrance of my friend, which roused me from the languor into
+which I was sinking, I immediately replied--
+
+
+      TO MR FRANCIS.
+
+      'You retort upon me my own arguments, and you have cause. I
+      felt a ray of conviction dart upon my mind, even, while I
+      wrote them. But what then?--"I seemed to be in a state, in
+      which reason had no power; I felt as if I could coolly
+      survey the several arguments of the case--perceive, that
+      they had prudence, truth, and common sense on their
+      side--And then answer--I am under the guidance of a director
+      more energetic than you!"[17] I am affected by your
+      kindness--I am affected by your letter. I could weep over
+      it, bitter tears of conviction and remorse. But argue with
+      the wretch infected with the plague--will it stop the tide
+      of blood, that is rapidly carrying its contagion to the
+      heart? I blush! I shed burning tears! But I am still
+      desolate and wretched! And how am I to stop it? The force
+      which you impute to my reasoning was the powerful frenzy of
+      a high delirium.
+
+         [Footnote 17: Godwin's Caleb Williams.]
+
+      'What does it signify whether, abstractedly considered, a
+      misfortune be worthy of the names real and substantial, if
+      the consequences produced are the same? That which embitters
+      all my life, that which stops the genial current of health
+      and peace is, whatever be its nature, a real calamity to me.
+      There is no end to this reasoning--what individual can limit
+      the desires of another? The necessaries of the civilized man
+      are whimsical superfluities in the eye of the savage. Are
+      we, or are we not (as you have taught me) the creatures of
+      sensation and circumstance?
+
+      'I agree with you--and the more I look into society, the
+      deeper I feel the soul-sickening conviction--"The general
+      pursuit is misery"--necessarily--excruciating misery, from
+      the source to which you justly ascribe it--"_The unnatural
+      and odious inventions of a distempered civilization._" I am
+      content, you may perceive, to recognize things by their
+      genuine appellation. I am, at least, a reasoning maniac:
+      perhaps the most dangerous species of insanity. But while
+      the source continues troubled, why expect the streams to run
+      pure?
+
+      'You know I will tell you--"about the indissoluble chains of
+      association and habit:" and you attack me again with my own
+      weapons! Alas! while I confess their impotence, with what
+      consistency do I accuse the flinty, impenetrable, heart, I
+      so earnestly sought, in vain, to move? What materials does
+      this stubborn mechanism of the mind offer to the wise and
+      benevolent legislator!
+
+      'Had I, you tell me, "worshipped at the altar of reason, but
+      half as assiduously as I have sacrificed at the shrine of
+      illusion, my happiness might have been enviable." But do
+      you not perceive, that my reason was the auxiliary of my
+      passion, or rather my passion the generative principle of my
+      reason? Had not these contradictions, these oppositions,
+      roused the energy of my mind, I might have domesticated,
+      tamely, in the lap of indolence and apathy.
+
+      'I do ask myself, every day--"Why should I be  miserable?"--and
+      I answer, "Because the strong, predominant, sentiment of my
+      soul, close twisted with all its cherished associations, has
+      been rudely torn away, and the blood flows from the lacerated
+      wound. You would be ashamed of placing disappointed love in
+      your enumeration of evils! Gray was not ashamed of this--
+
+        'And pining love shall waste their youth,
+         And jealousy, with rankling tooth,
+         That inly gnaws the secret heart!'
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+        'These shall the stings of falsehood try,
+         And hard unkindness' alter'd eye,
+         That mocks the tear it forc'd to flow.'"
+
+      'Is it possible that you can be insensible of all the mighty
+      mischiefs which have been caused by this passion--of the
+      great events and changes of society, to which it has
+      operated as a powerful, though secret, spring? That Jupiter
+      shrouded his glories beneath a mortal form; that he
+      descended yet lower, and crawled as a reptile--that Hercules
+      took the distaff, and Sampson was shorn of his strength, are
+      in their spirit, no fables. Yet, these were the legends of
+      ages less degenerate than this, and states of society less
+      corrupt. Ask your own heart--whether some of its most
+      exquisite sensations have not arisen from sources, which, to
+      nine-tenths of the world, would be equally inconceivable:
+      Mine, I believe, is a _solitary madness in the eighteenth
+      century: it is not on the altars of love, but of gold, that
+      men, now, come to pay their offerings_.
+
+      'Why call woman, miserable, oppressed, and impotent,
+      woman--_crushed, and then insulted_--why call her to
+      _independence_--which not nature, but the barbarous and
+      accursed laws of society, have denied her? _This is
+      mockery!_ Even you, wise and benevolent as you are, can mock
+      the child of slavery and sorrow! "Excluded, as it were, by
+      the pride, luxury, and caprice, of the world, from expanding
+      my sensations, and wedding my soul to society, I was
+      constrained to bestow the strong affections, that glowed
+      consciously within me, upon a few."[18] Love, in minds of
+      any elevation, cannot be generated but upon a real, or
+      fancied, foundation of excellence. But what would be a
+      miracle in architecture, is true in morals--the fabric can
+      exist when the foundation has mouldered away. _Habit_ daily
+      produces this wonderful effect upon every feeling, and every
+      principle. Is not this the theory which you have taught me?
+
+         [Footnote 18: Godwin's Caleb Williams.]
+
+      'Am I not sufficiently ingenuous?--I will give you a
+      new proof of my frankness (though not the proof you
+      require).--From the miserable consequences of wretched moral
+      distinctions, from chastity having been considered as a
+      sexual virtue, all these calamities have flowed. Men are
+      thus rendered sordid and dissolute in their pleasures; their
+      affections vitiated, and their feelings petrified; the
+      simplicity of modest tenderness loses its charm; they become
+      incapable of satisfying the heart of a woman of sensibility
+      and virtue.--Half the sex, then, are the wretched, degraded,
+      victims of brutal instinct: the remainder, if they sink not
+      into mere frivolity and insipidity, are sublimed into a
+      sort of--[what shall I call them?]--refined, romantic,
+      factitious, unfortunate, beings; who, for the sake of the
+      present moment, dare not expose themselves to complicated,
+      inevitable, evils; evils, that will infallibly overwhelm
+      them with misery and regret! Woe be, more especially, to
+      those who, possessing the dangerous gifts of fancy and
+      feeling, find it as difficult to discover a substitute for
+      the object as for the sentiment! You, who are a philosopher,
+      will you still controvert the principles founded in truth
+      and nature? "Gross as is my folly," (and I do not deny it)
+      "you may perceive I was not wholly wandering in darkness.
+      But while the wintry sun of hope illumined the fairy
+      frost-work with a single, slanting ray--dazzled by the
+      transient brightness, I dreaded the meridian fervors
+      that should dissolve the glittering charm." Yes! it was
+      madness--but it was the pleasurable madness which none but
+      madmen know.
+
+      'I cannot answer your question--Pain me not by its
+      repetition; neither seek to ensnare me to the disclosure.
+      Unkindly, severely, as I have been treated, I will not
+      risque, even, the possibility of injuring the man, whom I
+      have so tenderly loved, in the esteem of any one. Were I to
+      name him, you know him not; you could not judge of his
+      qualities. He is not "a model of excellence." I perceive it,
+      with pain--and if obliged to retract my judgment on some
+      parts of his character--I retract it with agonizing
+      reluctance! But I could trace the sources of his errors, and
+      candour and self-abasement imperiously compel me to a mild
+      judgment, to stifle the petulant suggestions of a wounded
+      spirit.
+
+      'Ought not our principles, my friend, to soften the asperity
+      of our censures?--Could I have won him to my arms, I thought
+      I could soften, and even elevate, his mind--a mind, in which
+      I still perceive a great proportion of good. I weep for him,
+      as well as for myself. He will, one day, know my value,
+      and feel my loss. Still, I am sensible, that, by my
+      extravagance, I have given a great deal of vexation
+      (possibly some degradation), to a being, whom I had no right
+      to persecute, or to compel to chuse happiness through a
+      medium of my creation. I cannot exactly tell the extent of
+      the injury I may have done him. A long train of consequences
+      succeed, even, our most indifferent actions.--Strong
+      energies, though they answer not the end proposed, must yet
+      produce correspondent effects. Morals and mechanics are here
+      analogous. No longer, then, distress me by the repetition of
+      a question I ought not to answer. I am content to be the
+      victim--Oh! may I be the only victim--of my folly!
+
+      'One more observation allow me to make, before I conclude.
+      That we can "admire, esteem, and love," an individual--(for
+      love in the abstract, loving mankind collectively, conveys
+      to me no idea)--which must be, in fact, depending upon that
+      individual for a large share of our felicity, and not lament
+      his loss, in proportion to our apprehension of his worth,
+      appears to me a proposition, involving in itself an
+      absurdity; therefore demonstrably false.
+
+      'Let me, my friend, see you ere long--your remonstrance has
+      affected me--save me from myself!'
+
+
+TO THE SAME.
+
+[In continuation.]
+
+
+      'My letter having been delayed a few days, through a
+      mistake--I resume my pen; for, running my eye over what I
+      had written, I perceive (confounded by the force of your
+      expressions) I have granted you too much. My conduct was
+      not, altogether, so insane as I have been willing to allow.
+      It is certain, that could I have attained the end proposed,
+      my happiness had been encreased. "It is necessary for me to
+      love and admire, or I sink into sadness." The behaviour
+      of the man, whom I sought to move, appeared to me too
+      inconsistent to be the result of _indifference_. To be
+      roused and stimulated by obstacles--obstacles admitting
+      hope, because obscurely seen--is no mark of weakness.
+      Could I have subdued, what I, _then_, conceived to be the
+      _prejudices_ of a worthy man, I could have increased
+      both his happiness and my own. I deeply reasoned, and
+      philosophized, upon the subject. Perseverance, with little
+      ability, has effected wonders;--with perseverance, I felt,
+      that, I had the power of uniting ability--confiding in that
+      power, I was the dupe of my own reason. No other man,
+      perhaps, could have acted the part which this man has
+      acted:--how, then, was I to take such a part into my
+      calculations?
+
+      'Do not misconceive me--it is no miracle that I did not
+      inspire affection. On this subject, the mortification I have
+      suffered has humbled me, it may be, even, unduly in my own
+      eyes--but to the emotions of my pride, I would disdain to
+      give words. Whatever may have been my feelings, I am too
+      proud to express the rage of slighted love!--Yet, I am
+      sensible to all the powers of those charming lines of
+      Pope--
+
+        "Unequal talk, a passion to resign,
+         For hearts so touch'd, so pierc'd, so lost, as mine!
+         Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state,
+         How often must it love, how often hate;
+         How often hope, despair, resent, regret,
+         Conceal, disdain, _do all things but forget_!"
+
+      'But to return. I pursued, comparatively, (as I thought) a
+      certain good; and when, at times, discouraged, I have
+      repeated to myself--What! after all these pains, shall I
+      relinquish my efforts, when, perhaps, on the very verge of
+      success?--To say nothing of the difficulty of forcing an
+      active mind out of its trains--if I desisted, what was to be
+      the result? The sensations I now feel--apathy, stagnation,
+      abhorred vacuity!
+
+      'You cannot resist the force of my reasoning--you, who are
+      acquainted with, who know how to paint, in colours true to
+      nature, the human heart--you, who admire, as a proof of
+      power, the destructive courage of an Alexander, even the
+      fanatic fury of a Ravaillac--you, who honour the pernicious
+      ambition of an Augustus Cæsar, as bespeaking the potent,
+      energetic, mind!--why should _you_ affect to be intolerant
+      to a passion, though differing in nature, generated on the
+      same principles, and by a parallel process. The capacity of
+      perception, or of receiving sensation, is (or generates) the
+      power; into what channel that power shall be directed,
+      depends not on ourselves. Are we not the creatures of
+      outward impressions? Without such impressions, should we be
+      any thing? Are not passions and powers synonimous--or can
+      the latter be produced without the lively interest that
+      constitutes the former? Do you dream of annihilating the
+      one--and will not the other be extinguished? With the
+      apostle, Paul, permit me to say--"I am not mad, but speak
+      the words of truth and soberness."
+
+      'To what purpose did you read my confessions, but to trace
+      in them a character formed, like every other human
+      character, by the result of unavoidable impressions, and the
+      chain of necessary events. I feel, that my arguments are
+      incontrovertible:--I suspect that, by affecting to deny
+      their force, you will endeavour to deceive either me or
+      yourself.--I have acquired the power of reasoning on this
+      subject at a dear rate--at the expence of inconceivable
+      suffering. Attempt not to deny me the miserable, expensive,
+      victory. I am ready to say--(ungrateful that I am)--Why did
+      you put me upon calling forth my strong reason?
+
+      'I perceive there is no cure for me--(apathy is, not the
+      restoration to health, but, the morbid lethargy of the soul)
+      but by a new train of impressions, of whatever nature,
+      equally forcible with the past.--You will tell me, It
+      remains with myself whether I will predetermine to resist
+      such impressions. Is this true? Is it philosophical? Ask
+      yourself. What!--can _even you_ shrink from the consequences
+      of your own principles?
+
+      'One word more--You accuse me of brooding in silence over my
+      sensations--of considering them as a "sacred deposit."
+      Concealment is particularly repugnant to my disposition--yet
+      a thousand delicacies--a thousand nameless solicitudes, and
+      apprehensions, sealed my lips!--He who inspired them was,
+      alone, the depositary of my most secret thoughts!--my heart
+      was unreservedly open before him--I covered my paper with
+      its emotions, and transmitted it to him--like him who
+      whispered his secret into the earth, to relieve the burden
+      of uncommunicated thought. My secret was equally safe, and
+      received in equal silence! Alas! he was not then ignorant of
+      the effects it was likely to produce!
+
+                                                            'EMMA.'
+
+
+Mr Francis continued his humane and friendly attentions; and, while he
+opposed my sentiments, as conceiving them destructive of my tranquillity,
+mingled with his opposition a gentle and delicate consideration for my
+feelings, that sensibly affected me, and excited my grateful attachment.
+He judged right, that, by stimulating my mind into action, the sensations,
+which so heavily oppressed it, might be, in some measure, mitigated--by
+diverting the course of my ideas into different channels, and by that
+means abating their force. His kindness soothed and flattered me, and
+communications relieved my thoughts.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+
+The period which succeeded these events, though tedious in wearing away,
+marked by no vicissitude, has left little impression behind. The tenor
+of my days resembled the still surface of a stagnant lake, embosomed
+in a deep cavern, over which the refreshing breezes never sweep. Sad,
+vacant, inactive--the faculties both of mind and body seemed almost
+suspended. I became weak, languid, enervated--my disorder was a lethargy
+of soul. This was gradually succeeded by disease of body:--an inactivity,
+so contrary to all the habits of my past life, generated morbid humours,
+and brought on a slow, remitting, fever. I recovered, by degrees,
+from this attack, but remained for some time in a debilitated, though
+convalescent, state. A few weeks after my disorder returned, lasted
+longer, and left me still more weakened and depressed. A third time it
+assailed me, at a shorter interval; and, though less violent, was more
+protracted, and more exhausting.
+
+Mrs Denbeigh, alarmed by my situation, wrote to Mrs Harley, expressing
+the apprehensions which she entertained. From this dear friend, who was
+herself in a declining state of health, I received a pressing invitation
+to visit, once more, the village of F----; and to seek, from change of
+air, change of scene, and the cordial endearments of friendship, a
+restoration for my debilitated frame, and a balm for my wounded mind.
+
+My relation, at this period, had letters from her husband, informing
+her, that the term of his residence in India was prolonged; pressing her
+to join him there, and to come over in the next ship. To this request
+she joyfully acceded; and, hearing that a packet was about to sail for
+Bengal, secured her passage, and began immediately to make preparations
+for her departure. I no longer hesitated to comply with the entreaties
+of my friend; besides the tie of strong affection, which drew me to her,
+I had, at present, little other resource.
+
+After affectionately embracing Mrs Denbeigh, wishing a happy issue to
+her voyage, thanking her for all her kindness, and leaving a letter of
+grateful acknowledgement for Mr Francis, I quitted the metropolis, with
+an aching heart, and a wasted frame. My cousin accompanied me to the
+inn, from whence the vehicle set out that was to convey me to Mrs
+Harley. We parted in silence--a crowd of retrospective ideas of the
+past, and solicitudes respecting the future, occupied our thoughts--our
+sensations were too affecting for words.
+
+The carriage quitted London at the close of the evening, and travelled
+all night:--it was towards the end of the year. At midnight we passed
+over Hounslow and Bagshot heaths. 'The moon,' to adopt the language of
+Ossian, 'looked through broken clouds, and brightened their dark-brown
+sides.' A loud November blast howled over the heath, and whistled
+through the fern.--There was a melancholy desolation in the scene, that
+was in unison with my feelings, and which overwhelmed my spirits with a
+tide of tender recollections. I recalled to my imagination a thousand
+interesting images--I indulged in all the wild enthusiasm of my character.
+My fellow-travellers slept tranquilly, while my soul was awake to
+agonizing sorrow. I adopted the language of the tender Eloisa--'Why,'
+said I, 'am I indebted for life to his care, whose cruelty has rendered
+it insupportable? Inhuman, as he is, let him fly from me for ever,
+and deny himself the savage pleasure of being an eye-witness to my
+sorrows!--But why do I rave thus?--He is not to be blamed--_I, alone,
+am guilty_--I, alone, am the author of my own misfortunes, and should,
+therefore, be the only object of anger and resentment.'[19]
+
+      [Footnote 19: Rousseau.]
+
+Weakened by my late indisposition, fatigued by the rough motion of the
+carriage, and exhausted by strong emotion, when arrived at the end of my
+journey, I was obliged to be lifted from the coach, and carried into the
+cottage of my friend. The servant led the way to the library--the door
+opened--Mrs Harley advanced, to receive me, with tottering steps. The
+ravages of grief, and the traces of sickness, were visible in her dear,
+affectionate, countenance. I clasped my hands, and, lifting up my
+eyes, beheld the portrait of Augustus--beheld again the resemblance
+of those features so deeply engraven on my heart! My imagination was
+raised--methought the lively colours of the complexion had faded, the
+benignant smile had vanished, and an expression of perplexity and
+sternness usurped its place. I uttered a faint shriek, and fell lifeless
+into the arms of my friend. It was some time before I returned to sense
+and recollection, when I found myself on the bed, in the little chamber
+which had formerly been appropriated to my use. My friend sat beside me,
+holding my hand in her's, which she bathed with her tears. 'Thank God!'
+she exclaimed, in a rapturous accent, (as, with a deep sigh, I raised my
+languid eyes, and turned them mournfully towards her)--'she lives!--My
+Emma!--child of my affections!'--sobs suppressed her utterance. I drew
+the hand, which held mine, towards me--I pressed it to my bosom--'_My
+mother!_'--I would have said; but the tender appellation died away upon
+my lips, in inarticulate murmurs.
+
+These severe struggles were followed by a return of my disorder. Mrs
+Harley would scarcely be persuaded to quit my chamber for a moment--her
+tenderness seemed to afford her new strength;--but these exertions
+accelerated the progress of an internal malady, which had for some time
+past been gaining ground, and gradually undermining her health.
+
+Youth, and a good constitution, aided by the kind solicitudes of
+friendship, restored me, in a few weeks, to a state of convalescence.
+I observed the declining strength of my friend with terror--I accused
+myself of having, though involuntarily, added to these alarming symptoms,
+by the new fatigues and anxieties which I had occasioned her. Affection
+inspired me with those energies, that reason had vainly dictated. I
+struggled to subdue myself--I stifled the impetuous suggestions of my
+feelings, in exerting myself to fulfil the duties of humanity. My mind
+assumed a firmer tone--I became, once more, the cheerful companion, the
+tender consoler, the attentive nurse, of this excellent woman, to whose
+kindness I was so much indebted--and, if I stole a few moments in the
+day, while my friend reposed, to gaze on the resemblance of Augustus,
+to weep over the testimonies of his former respect and friendship,
+I quickly chased from my bosom, and my countenance, every trace of
+sadness, when summoned to attend my friend.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+
+The winter came on severe and cold. Mrs Harley was forbidden to expose
+herself to the frosty air, which seemed to invigorate my languid frame.
+I was constituted her almoner, to distribute to the neighbouring poor
+the scanty portion, which she was enabled, by a rigid oeconomy, to spare
+from her little income: yet the value of this distribution had been
+more than redoubled, by the gentler charities of kind accents, tender
+sympathy, and wholesome counsels. To these indigent, but industrious,
+cottagers, I studied to be the worthy representative of their amiable
+benefactress, and found my reward in their grateful attachment, and the
+approving smiles of my friend.
+
+By degrees, she ventured to converse with me on the subject nearest her
+heart--the situation of her son. He had been obliged to yield to the
+proofs produced of his marriage, which he had, at first, seemed desirous
+of evading. He had written, with reserve, upon the subject to his
+mother; but, from the enquiries of a common friend, she had reason to
+apprehend, that his engagement had been of an imprudent nature. Two
+children, were, already the fruits of it: the mother, with a feminine
+helplessness of character, had a feeble constitution. The small fortune,
+which Augustus had originally shared with his family, was greatly
+reduced. His education and habits had unfitted him for those exertions
+which the support of an encreasing family necessarily required:--his
+spirits (her friend had informed her) seemed broken, and his temper
+soured. Some efforts had been made to serve him, which his lofty spirit
+had repelled with disdain.
+
+This narration deeply affected my heart--I had resigned myself to his
+loss--but the idea of his suffering, I felt, was an evil infinitely
+severer. It was this conviction that preyed incessantly on the peace
+and health of his mother. My fortitude failed, when I would have tried
+to sustain her; and I could only afford the melancholy satisfaction of
+mingling my sorrows with her's.
+
+The disorder of my friend rapidly increased--her mind became weakened,
+and her feelings wayward and irritable. I watched her incessantly--I
+strove, by every alleviating care, to soften her pains. Towards the
+approach of spring the symptoms grew more threatening; and it was judged,
+by her physician, necessary to apprize her family of her immediate
+danger. What a trial for my exhausted heart! I traced, with a trembling
+hand, a line to this melancholy purpose--addressed it to Mr Harley, and
+through him to his younger brothers and sisters.
+
+In a few days they arrived in the village--sending from the inn a
+servant, to prepare their mother for their approach. I gently intimated
+to her the visitants we might expect. The previous evening, a change had
+taken place, which indicated approaching dissolution; and her mind (not
+uncommon in similar cases) seemed, almost instantaneously, to have
+recovered a portion of its original strength. She sighed deeply, while
+her eyes, which were fixed wistfully on my face, were lighted with a
+bright, but transient, lustre.
+
+'My dear Emma,' said she, 'this is a trying moment for us both. I shall
+soon close my eyes, for ever, upon all worldly cares.--Still cherish, in
+your pure and ingenuous mind, a friendship for my Augustus--the darling
+of my soul! He may, in future, stand in need of consolation. I had
+formed hopes--vain hopes!--in which you and he were equally concerned.
+In the happiness of this partially-favoured child--this idol of my
+affections--all mine was concentrated. He has disappointed me, and I
+have lost the desire of living--Yet, he has noble qualities!--Who, alas!
+is perfect? Summon your fortitude, collect your powers, my child, for
+this interview!'
+
+She sunk on her pillow--I answered her only with my tears. A servant
+entered--but spoke not--her look announced her tidings--It caught the
+eye of Mrs Harley--
+
+'Let them enter,' said she; and she raised herself, to receive them, and
+assumed an aspect of composure.
+
+I covered my face with my handkerchief--I heard the sound of footsteps
+approaching the bed--I heard the murmurs of filial sorrow--The voice
+of Augustus, in low and interrupted accents, struck upon my ear--it
+thrilled through my nerves--I shuddered, involuntarily--What a moment!
+My friend spoke a few words, in a faint tone.
+
+'My children,' she added, 'repay to this dear girl,' laying her hand
+upon mine, 'the debt of kindness I owe her--she has smoothed the pillow
+of death--she is an orphan--she is tender and unfortunate.'
+
+I ventured to remove for a moment the handkerchief from my eyes--they
+met those of Augustus--he was kneeling by the bed-side--his countenance
+was wan, and every feature sunk in dejection; a shivering crept through
+my veins, and chilled my heart with a sensation of icy coldness--he
+removed his eyes, fixing them on his dying mother.
+
+'My son,' she resumed, in still fainter accents, 'behold in Emma,
+your sister--_your friend!_--confide in her--she is worthy of your
+confidence!'--'Will you not love him, my child,'--(gazing upon
+me,)--'with a sisterly affection?'
+
+I hid my face upon the pillow of my friend--I threw my arms around
+her--'Your request is superfluous, my friend, my more than parent, _ah,
+how superfluous_!'
+
+'Forgive me, I know the tenderness of your nature--yielding, in these
+parting moments, to the predominant affection of my heart--I fear, I
+have wounded that tender nature.' 'Farewell, my children! Love and
+assist each other--Augustus, where is your hand?--my sight fails me--God
+bless you and your little ones--_God bless you all_!--My last sigh--my
+last prayer--is yours.'
+
+Exhausted by these efforts, she fainted--Augustus uttered a deep groan,
+and raised her in his arms--but life was fled.
+
+At the remembrance of these scenes, even at this period, my heart is
+melted within me.
+
+What is there of mournful magic in the emotions of virtuous sorrow, that
+in retracing, in dwelling upon them, mingles with our tears a sad and
+sublime rapture? Nature, that has infused so much misery into the cup of
+human life, has kindly mixed this strange and mysterious ingredient to
+qualify the bitter draught.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+
+After the performance of the last melancholy duties, this afflicted
+family prepared to separate. I received from them, individually,
+friendly offers of service, and expressions of acknowledgment, for my
+tender attentions to their deceased parent. I declined, for the present,
+their invitations, and profferred kindness, though uncertain how to
+dispose of myself, or which way to direct my course. Augustus behaved
+towards me with distant, cold, respect. I observed in his features,
+under a constrained appearance of composure, marks of deep and strong
+emotion. I recalled to my mind the injunctions of my deceased friend--I
+yearned to pour into his bosom the balm of sympathy, but, with an aspect
+bordering on severity, he repressed the expression of those ingenuous
+feelings which formed my character, and shunned the confidence I so
+earnestly sought. Unfortunate love had, in my subdued and softened mind,
+laid the foundation of a fervent and durable friendship--But my love, my
+friendship, were equally contemned! I relinquished my efforts--I shut
+myself in my chamber--and, in secret, indulged my sorrows.
+
+The house of my deceased friend was sold, and the effects disposed of.
+On the day previous to their removal, and the departure of the family
+for London, I stole into the library, at the close of the evening, to
+view, for _the last time_, the scene of so many delightful, so many
+afflicting emotions. A mysterious and sacred enchantment is spread over
+every circumstance, even every inanimate object, connected with the
+affections. To those who are strangers to these delicate, yet powerful
+sympathies, this may appear ridiculous--but the sensations are not the
+less genuine, nor the less in nature. I will not attempt to analyse
+them, it is a subject upon which the language of philosophy would
+appear frigid, and on which I feel myself every moment on the verge of
+fanaticism. Yet, affections like these are not so much weakness, as
+strength perhaps badly exerted. Rousseau was, right, when he asserted,
+that, 'Common men know nothing of violent sorrows, nor do great passions
+ever break out in weak minds. Energy of sentiment is the characteristic
+of a noble soul.'
+
+I gazed from the windows on the shrubbery, where I had so often wandered
+with my friends--where I had fondly cherished so many flattering, so
+many visionary, prospects. Every spot, every tree, was associated with
+some past pleasure, some tender recollection. The last rays of the
+setting sun, struggling from beneath a louring cloud, streamed through
+its dark bosom, illumined its edges, played on the window in which I was
+standing, and gilding the opposite side of the wainscot, against which
+the picture of Augustus still hung, shed a soft and mellow lustre over
+the features. I turned almost unconsciously, and contemplated it with a
+long and deep regard. It seemed to smile benignly--it wore no traces of
+the cold austerity, the gloomy and inflexible reserve, which now clouded
+the aspect of the original. I called to my remembrance a thousand
+interesting conversations--when
+
+      'Tuned to happy unison of soul, a fairer world of which the
+       vulgar never had a glimpse, displayed, its charms.'
+
+Absorbed in thought, the crimson reflection from the western clouds
+gradually faded, while the deep shades of the evening, thickened by the
+appearance of a gathering tempest, involved in obscurity the object on
+which, without distinctly perceiving it, I still continued to gaze.
+
+I was roused from this reverie by the sudden opening of the door. Some
+person, whom the uncertain light prevented me from distinguishing,
+walked across the room, with a slow and solemn pace, and, after taking
+several turns backwards and forwards, reclined on the sopha, remaining
+for some time perfectly still. A tremor shook my nerves--unable either
+to speak, or to move, I continued silent and trembling--my heart felt
+oppressed, almost to suffocation--at length, a deep, convulsive sigh,
+forced its way.
+
+'My God!' exclaimed the person, whose meditations I had interrupted,
+'what is that?'
+
+It was the voice of Mr Harley, he spoke in a stern tone, though with
+some degree of trepidation, and advanced hastily towards the window
+against which I leaned.
+
+The clouds had for some hours been gathering dark and gloomy. Just as
+Augustus had reached the place where I stood, a flash of lightning,
+pale, yet vivid, glanced suddenly across my startled sight, and
+discovered to him the object which had alarmed him.
+
+'Emma,' said he, in a softened accent, taking my trembling and almost
+lifeless hand, 'how came you here, which way did you enter?'
+
+I answered not--Another flash of lightning, still brighter, blue and
+sulphurous, illuminated the room, succeeded by a loud and long peal of
+thunder. Again the heavens seemed to rend asunder and discover a sheet
+of livid flame--a crash of thunder, sudden, loud, short, immediately
+followed, bespeaking the tempest near. I started with a kind of
+convulsive terror. Augustus led me from the window, and endeavoured, in
+vain, to find the door of the library--the temporary flashes, and total
+darkness by which they were succeeded, dazzled and confounded the sight.
+I stumbled over some furniture, which stood in the middle of the room,
+and unable to recover my feet, which refused any longer to sustain me,
+sunk into the arms of Augustus, suffering him to lift me to the sopha.
+He seated himself beside me, the storm continued; the clouds, every
+moment parting with a horrible noise, discovered an abyss of fire, while
+the rain descended in a deluge. We silently contemplated this sublime
+and terrible scene. Augustus supported me with one arm, while my
+trembling hand remained in his. The tempest soon exhausted itself by its
+violence--the lightning became less fierce, gleaming at intervals--the
+thunder rolled off to a distance--its protracted sound, lengthened by
+the echoes, faintly died away; while the rain continued to fall in a
+still, though copious, shower.
+
+My spirits grew calmer, I gently withdrew my hand from that of Mr
+Harley. He once more enquired, but in a tone of greater reserve, how I
+had entered the room without his knowledge? I explained, briefly and
+frankly, my situation, and the tender motives by which I had been
+influenced.
+
+'It was not possible,' added I, 'to take leave of this house _for ever_,
+without recalling a variety of affecting and melancholy ideas--I feel,
+that I have lost _my only friend_.'
+
+'This world,' said he, 'may not unaptly be compared to the rapids on the
+American rivers--We are hurried, in a frail bark, down the stream--It is
+in vain to resist its course--happy are those whose voyage is ended!'
+
+'My friend,' replied I in a faultering voice, 'I could teach my heart
+to bear your loss--though, God knows, the lesson has been sufficiently
+severe--but I know not how, with fortitude, to see you suffer.'
+
+'Suffering is the common lot of humanity--but, pardon me, when I say,
+your conduct has not tended to lessen my vexations!'
+
+'My errors have been the errors of _affection_--Do they deserve this
+rigor?'
+
+'Their source is not important, their consequences have been the
+same--you make not the allowances you claim.'
+
+'Dear, and severe, friend!--Be not unjust--the confidence which I
+sought, and merited, would have been obviated'--
+
+'I know what you would alledge--that confidence, you had reason to
+judge, was of a painful nature--it ought not to have been extorted.'
+
+'If I have been wrong, my faults have been severely expiated--if
+the error has been _only mine_, surely my sufferings have been in
+proportion; seduced by the fervor of my feelings; ignorant of your
+situation, if I wildly sought to oblige you to chuse happiness through a
+medium of my creation--yet, to have assured _yours_, was I not willing
+to risque all my own? I perceive my extravagance, my views were equally
+false and romantic--dare I to say--they were the ardent excesses of a
+generous mind? Yes! my wildest mistakes had in them a dignified mixture
+of virtue. While the institutions of society war against nature and
+happiness, the mind of energy, struggling to emancipate itself, will
+entangle itself in error'--
+
+'Permit me to ask you,' interrupted Augustus, 'whether, absorbed in your
+own sensations, you allowed yourself to remember, and to respect, the
+feelings of others?'
+
+I could no longer restrain my tears, I wept for some moments in
+silence--Augustus breathed a half-suppressed sigh, and turned from me
+his face.
+
+'The pangs which have rent my heart,' resumed I, in low and broken
+accents, 'have, I confess, been but too poignant! That lacerated
+heart still bleeds--we have neither of us been guiltless--_Alas!
+who is?_ Yet in my bosom, severe feelings are not more painful than
+transient--already have I lost sight of your unkindness, (God knows how
+little I merited it!) in stronger sympathy for your sorrows--whatever
+be their nature! We have both erred--why should we not exchange mutual
+forgiveness? Why should we afflict each other? Friendship, like charity,
+should suffer all things and be kind!'
+
+'My mind,' replied he coldly, 'is differently constituted.'
+
+'_Unpitying man!_ It would be hard for us, if we were all to be judged
+at so severe a tribunal--you have been a _lover_,' added I, in a softer
+tone, 'and can you not forgive the faults of _love_?'
+
+He arose, visibly agitated--I also stood up--my bosom deeply wounded,
+and, unknowing what I did, took his hand, and pressed it to my lips.
+
+'You have rudely thrown from you a heart of exquisite sensibility--you
+have contemned my love, and you disdain my friendship--is it brave, is
+it manly,' added I wildly--almost unconscious of what I said--forgetting
+at the moment his situation and my own--'thus to triumph over a spirit,
+subdued by its affections into unresisting meekness?'
+
+He broke from me, and precipitately quitted the room.
+
+I threw myself upon the floor, and, resting my head on the seat which
+Augustus had so lately occupied, passed the night in cruel conflict--a
+tempest more terrible than that which had recently spent its force,
+shook my soul! The morning dawned, ere I had power to remove myself
+from the fatal spot, where the measure of my afflictions seemed filled
+up.--Virtue may conquer weakness, but who can bear to be despised
+by those they love. The sun darted its beams full upon me, but its
+splendour appeared mockery--hope and joy were for ever excluded from my
+benighted spirit. The contempt of the world, the scoffs of ignorance,
+the contumely of the proud, I could have borne without shrinking--but to
+find myself rejected, contemned, scorned, by him with whom, of all
+mankind, my heart claimed kindred; by him for whom my youth, my health,
+my powers, were consuming in silent anguish--who, instead of pouring
+balm into the wound he had inflicted, administered only corrosives!--_It
+was too painful!_ I felt, that I had been a lavish prodigal--that I had
+become a wretched bankrupt; that there was but _one way_ to make me
+happy and _a thousand_ to make me miserable! Enfeebled and exhausted, I
+crawled to my apartment, and, throwing myself on the bed, gave a loose
+to the agony of my soul.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+
+Under pretence of indisposition, I refused to meet the family. I heard
+them depart. Too proud to accept of obligation, I had not confided to
+them my plans, if plans they could be called, where no distinct end was
+in view.
+
+A few hours after their departure, I once more seated myself in a stage
+coach, in which I had previously secured a place, and took the road to
+London. I perceived, on entering the carriage, only one passenger, who
+had placed himself in the opposite corner, and in whom, to my great
+surprize, I immediately recognized Mr Montague. We had not met since the
+visit he had paid me at Mrs Harley's, the result of which I have already
+related: since that period, it had been reported in the village, that he
+addressed Sarah Morton, and that they were about to be united. Montague
+manifested equal surprize at our meeting: the intelligence of my
+friend's death (at which he expressed real concern) had not reached him,
+neither was he acquainted with my being in that part of the country. He
+had not lately been at Mr Morton's, he informed me, but had just left
+his father's, and was going to London to complete his medical studies.
+
+After these explanations, absorbed in painful contemplation, I for some
+time made little other return to his repeated civilities, than by cold
+monosyllables: till at length, his cordial sympathy, his gentle accents,
+and humane attentions, awakened me from my reverie. Ever accessible
+to the soothings of kindness, I endeavoured to exert myself, to prove
+the sense I felt of his humanity. Gratified by having succeeded in
+attracting my attention, he redoubled his efforts to cheer and amuse
+me. My dejected and languid appearance had touched his feelings, and,
+towards the end of our journey, his unaffected zeal to alleviate the
+anxiety under which I evidently appeared to labour, soothed my mind and
+inspired me with confidence.
+
+He respectfully requested to know in what part of the town I resided,
+and hoped to be permitted to pay his respects to me, and to enquire
+after my welfare? This question awakened in my bosom so many complicated
+and painful sensations, that, after remaining silent for a few minutes,
+I burst into a flood of tears.
+
+'I have no home;' said I, in a voice choaked with sobs--'I am an alien
+in the world--and alone in the universe.'
+
+His eyes glistened, his countenance expressed the most lively, and
+tender, commiseration, while, in a timid and respectful voice, he made
+me offers of service, and entreated me to permit him to be useful to me.
+
+'I then mentioned, in brief, my present unprotected situation, and
+hinted, that as my fortune was small, I could wish to procure a humble,
+but decent, apartment in a reputable family, till I had consulted one
+friend, who, I yet flattered myself, was interested in my concerns, or
+till I could fix on a more eligible method of providing for myself.'
+
+He informed me--'That he had a distant relation in town, a decent,
+careful, woman, who kept a boarding house, and whose terms were very
+reasonable. He was assured, would I permit him to introduce me to her,
+she would be happy, should her accommodation suit me, to pay me every
+attention in her power.'
+
+In my forlorn situation, I confided, without hesitation, in his
+recommendation, and gratefully acceded to the proposal.
+
+Mr Montague introduced me to this lady in the most flattering terms, she
+received me with civility, but, I fancied, not without a slight mixture
+of distrust. I agreed with her for a neat chamber, with a sitting room
+adjoining, on the second floor, and settled for the terms of my board,
+more than the whole amount of the interest of my little fortune.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+
+I took an early opportunity of addressing a few lines to Mr Francis,
+informing him of my situation, and entreating his counsel. I waited a
+week, impatiently, for his reply, but in vain: well acquainted with his
+punctuality, and alarmed by this silence, I mentioned the step I had
+taken, and my apprehensions, to Montague, who immediately repaired,
+himself, to the house of Mr Francis; and, finding it shut up, was
+informed by the neighbours, that Mr Francis had quitted England, a
+short time before, in company with a friend, intending to make a
+continental tour.
+
+This intelligence was a new shock to me. I called on some of my former
+acquaintance, mentioning to them my wish of procuring pupils, or of
+engaging in any other occupation fitted to my talents. I was received by
+some with civility, by others with coldness, but every one appeared too
+much engrossed by his own affairs to give himself the trouble of making
+any great exertion for others.
+
+I returned dispirited--I walked through the crowded city, and observed
+the anxious and busy faces of all around me. In the midst of my fellow
+beings, occupied in various pursuits, I seemed, as if in an immense
+desart, a solitary outcast from society. Active, industrious, willing
+to employ my faculties in any way, by which I might procure an honest
+independence, I beheld no path open to me, but that to which my spirit
+could not submit--the degradation of servitude. Hapless woman!--crushed
+by the iron hand of barbarous despotism, pampered into weakness, and
+trained the slave of meretricious folly!--what wonder, that, shrinking
+from the chill blasts of penury (which the pernicious habits of thy
+education have little fitted thy tender frame to encounter) thou
+listenest to the honied accents of the spoiler; and, to escape the
+galling chain of servile dependence, rushest into the career of infamy,
+from whence the false and cruel morality of the world forbids thy
+return, and perpetuates thy disgrace and misery! When will mankind
+be aware of the uniformity, of the importance, of truth? When will
+they cease to confound, by sexual, by political, by theological,
+distinctions, those immutable principles, which form the true basis of
+virtue and happiness? The paltry expedients of combating error with
+error, and prejudice with prejudice, in one invariable and melancholy
+circle, have already been sufficiently tried, have already been
+demonstrated futile:--they have armed man against man, and filled the
+world with crimes, and with blood.--How has the benign and gentle nature
+of Reform been mistated! 'One false idea,' justly says an acute and
+philosophic writer,[20] 'united with others, produces such as are
+necessarily false; which, combining again with all those the memory
+retains, give to all a tinge of falsehood. One error, alone, is
+sufficient to infect the whole mass of the mind, and produce an infinity
+of capricious, monstrous, notions.--Every vice is the error of the
+understanding; crimes and prejudices are brothers; truth and virtue
+sisters. These things, known to the wise, are hid from fools!'
+
+      [Footnote 20: Helvetius.]
+
+Without a sufficiently interesting pursuit, a fatal torpor stole over my
+spirits--my blood circulated languidly through my veins. Montague, in
+the intervals from business and amusement, continued to visit me. He
+brought me books, read to me, chatted with me, pressed me to accompany
+him to places of public entertainment, which (determined to incur no
+pecuniary obligation) I invariably refused.
+
+I received his civilities with the less scruple, from the information
+I had received of his engagement with Miss Morton; which, with his
+knowledge of my unhappy attachment, I thought, precluded every idea
+of a renewal of those sentiments he had formerly professed for me.
+
+In return for his friendship, I tried to smile, and exerted my spirits,
+to prove my grateful sensibility of his kindness: but, while he appeared
+to take a lively interest in my sorrows, he carefully avoided a
+repetition of the language in which he had once addressed me; yet, at
+times, his tender concern seemed sliding into a sentiment still softer,
+which obliged me to practise more reserve: he was not insensible of
+this, and was frequently betrayed into transient bursts of passion and
+resentment, which, on my repelling with firmness, he would struggle to
+repress, and afterwards absent himself for a time.
+
+Unable to devise any method of increasing my income, and experiencing
+the pressure of some daily wants and inconveniencies, I determined, at
+length, on selling the sum invested, in my name, in the funds, and
+purchasing a life annuity.
+
+Recollecting the name of a banker, with whom my uncle, the friend of my
+infancy, had formerly kept cash, I learned his residence, and, waiting
+upon him, made myself known as the niece of an old and worthy friend;
+at the same time acquainting him with my intentions.--He offered to
+transact the affair for me immediately, the funds being, then, in a
+very favourable position; and to preserve the money in his hands till
+an opportunity should offer of laying it out to advantage. I gave him
+proper credentials for the accomplishing of this business, and returned
+to my apartment with a heart somewhat lightened. This scheme had
+never before occurred to me. The banker, who was a man of commercial
+reputation, had assured me, that my fortune might now be sold out with
+little loss; and that, by purchasing an annuity, on proper security, at
+seven or eight per cent, I might, with oeconomy, be enabled to support
+myself decently, with comfort and independence.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+
+Some weeks elapsed, and I heard no more from my banker. A slight
+indisposition confined me to the house. One evening, Mr Montague, coming
+to my apartment to enquire after my health, brought with him a newspaper
+(as was his frequent custom), and, finding me unwell, and dispirited,
+began to read some parts from it aloud, in the hope of amusing me. Among
+the articles of home intelligence, a paragraph stated--'The failure of
+a considerable mercantile house, which had created an alarm upon the
+Exchange, as, it was apprehended, some important consequences would
+follow in the commercial world. A great banking-house, it was hinted,
+not many miles from ----, was likely to be affected, by some rumours, in
+connection with this business, which had occasioned a considerable run
+upon it for the last two or three days.'
+
+My attention was roused--I eagerly held out my hand for the paper, and
+perused this alarming paragraph again and again, without observing the
+surprize expressed in the countenance of Montague, who was at a loss to
+conceive why this intelligence should be affecting to me.--I sat, for some
+minutes, involved in thought, till a question from my companion, several
+times repeated, occasioned me to start. I immediately recollected myself,
+and tried to reason away my fears, as vague and groundless. I was about
+to explain the nature of them to my friend--secretly accusing myself for
+not having done so sooner, and availed myself of his advice, when a
+servant, entering, put a letter into his hand.
+
+Looking upon the seal and superscription, he changed colour, and opened
+it hastily. Strong emotion was painted in his features while he perused
+it. I regarded him with anxiety. He rose from his seat, walked up and
+down the room with a disordered pace--opened the door, as if with an
+intention of going out--shut it--returned back again--threw himself
+into a chair--covered his face with his handkerchief--appeared in great
+agitation--and burst into tears. I arose, went to him, and took his
+hand--'_My friend!_' said I--I would have added something more--but,
+unable to proceed, I sunk into a seat beside him, and wept in sympathy.
+He pressed my hand to his lips--folded me wildly in his arms, and
+attempted to speak--but his voice was lost in convulsive sobs. I gently
+withdrew myself, and waited, in silence, till the violence of his
+emotions should subside. He held out to me the letter he had received. I
+perused it. It contained an account of the sudden death of his father,
+and a summons for his immediate return to the country, to settle the
+affairs, and to take upon him his father's professional employment.
+
+'You leave me, then!' said I--'I lose my only remaining friend!'
+
+'_Never!_'--he replied, emphatically.
+
+I blushed for having uttered so improper, so selfish, a remark;
+and endeavoured to atone for it by forgetting the perils of my own
+situation, in attention to that of this ardent, but affectionate, young
+man.--His sufferings were acute and violent for some days, during which
+he quitted me only at the hours of repose--I devoted myself to sooth and
+console him. I felt, that I had been greatly indebted to his friendship
+and kindness, and I endeavoured to repay the obligation. He appeared
+fully sensible of my cares, and, mingled with his acknowledgments
+expressions of a tenderness, so lively, and unequivocal, as obliged me,
+once more, to be more guarded in my behaviour.
+
+In consideration for the situation of Mr Montague--I had forgotten
+the paragraph in the paper, till an accidental intelligence of the
+bankruptcy of the house, in which my little fortune was entrusted,
+confirmed to me the certainty of this terrible blow. Montague was
+sitting with me when I received the unwelcome news.
+
+'Gracious God!' I exclaimed, clasping my hands, and raising my eyes to
+heaven--'What is to become of me now?--The measure of my sorrows is
+filled up!'
+
+It was some time before I had power to explain the circumstances to my
+companion.
+
+'Do not distress yourself, my lovely Emma,' said he; 'I will be your
+friend--your guardian--' (and he added, in a low, yet fervent, accent)
+--'_your husband_!'
+
+'No--no--no!' answered I, shaking my head, 'that must not, cannot, be!
+I would perish, rather than take advantage of a generosity like yours. I
+will go to service--I will work for my bread--and, if I cannot procure
+a wretched sustenance--_I can but die_! Life, to me, has long been
+worthless!'
+
+My countenance, my voice, my manner, but too forcibly expressed the
+keen anguish of my soul. I seemed to be marked out for the victim of a
+merciless destiny--_for the child of sorrow_! The susceptible temper of
+Montague, softened by his own affliction, was moved by my distress. He
+repeated, and enforced, his proposal, with all the ardour of a youthful,
+a warm, an uncorrupted, mind.
+
+'You add to my distress,' replied I. 'I have not a heart to bestow--I
+lavished mine upon one, who scorned and contemned it. Its sensibility is
+now exhausted. Shall I reward a faithful and generous tenderness, like
+yours, with a cold, a worthless, an alienated, mind? No, no!--Seek an
+object more worthy of you, and leave me to my fate.'
+
+At that moment, I had forgotten the report of his engagement with
+Miss Morton; but, on his persisting, vehemently, to urge his suit, I
+recollected, and immediately mentioned, it, to him. He confessed--
+
+'That, stung by my rejection, and preference of Mr Harley, he had, at
+one period, entertained a thought of that nature; but that he had fallen
+out with the family, in adjusting the settlements. Mrs Morton had
+persuaded her husband to make, what he conceived to be, ungenerous
+requisitions. Miss Morton had discovered much artifice, but little
+sensibility, on the occasion. Disgusted with the apathy of the father,
+the insolence of the mother and the low cunning of the daughter, he had
+abruptly quitted them, and broken off all intercourse with the family.'
+
+It is not necessary to enlarge on this part of my narrative. Suffice it
+to say, that, after a long contest, my desolate situation, added to the
+persevering affection of this enthusiastic young man, prevailed over my
+objections. His happiness, he told me, entirely depended on my decision.
+I would not deceive him:--I related to him, with simplicity and truth,
+all the circumstances of my past conduct towards Mr Harley. He listened
+to me with evident emotion--interrupted me, at times, with execrations;
+and, once or twice, vowing vengeance on Augustus, appeared on the verge
+of outrage. But I at length reasoned him into greater moderation, and
+obliged him to do justice to the merit and honour of Mr Harley. He
+acquiesced reluctantly, and with an ill grace, yet, with a lover-like
+partiality, attributed his conduct to causes, of which I had discerned
+no traces. He assured himself that the affections of a heart, tender as
+mine, would be secured by kindness and assiduity--and I at last yielded
+to his importunity. We were united in a short time, and I accompanied my
+husband to the town of ----, in the county of ----, the residence of his
+late father.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+
+Mr Montague presented me to his relations and friends, by whom I was
+received with a flattering distinction. My wearied spirits began now
+to find repose. My husband was much occupied in the duties of his
+profession. We had a respectable circle of acquaintance: In the
+intervals of social engagement, and domestic employment, ever thirsting
+after knowledge, I occasionally applied myself to the study of physic,
+anatomy, and surgery, with the various branches of science connected
+with them; by which means I frequently rendered myself essentially
+serviceable to my friend; and, by exercising my understanding and
+humanity, strengthened my mind, and stilled the importunate suggestions
+of a heart too exquisitely sensible.
+
+The manners of Mr Montague were kind and affectionate, though subject,
+at times, to inequalities and starts of passion; he confided in me,
+as his best and truest friend--and I deserved his confidence:--yet, I
+frequently observed the restlessness and impetuosity of his disposition
+with apprehension.
+
+I felt for my husband a rational esteem, and a grateful affection:--but
+those romantic, high-wrought, frenzied, emotions, that had rent my heart
+during its first attachment--that enthusiasm, that fanaticism, to which
+opposition had given force, the bare recollection of which still shook
+my soul with anguish, no longer existed. Montague was but too sensible
+of this difference, which naturally resulted from the change of
+circumstances, and was unreasonable enough to complain of what secured
+our tranquillity. If a cloud, sometimes, hung over my brow--if I
+relapsed, for a short period, into a too habitual melancholy, he would
+grow captious, and complain.
+
+'You esteem me, Emma: I confide in your principles, and I glory in your
+friendship--but, you have never _loved_ me!'
+
+'Why will you be so unjust, both to me, and to yourself?'
+
+'Tell me, then, sincerely--I know you will not deceive me--Have you ever
+felt for me those sentiments with which Augustus Harley inspired you?'
+
+'Certainly not--I do not pretend to it--neither ought you to wish it.
+My first attachment was the morbid excess of a distempered imagination.
+Liberty, reason, virtue, usefulness, were the offerings I carried to
+its shrine. It preyed incessantly upon my heart, I drank up its vital
+spirit, it became a vice from its excess--it was a pernicious, though a
+sublime, enthusiasm--its ravages are scarcely to be remembered without
+shuddering--all the strength, the dignity, the powers, of my mind, melted
+before it! Do you wish again to see me the slave of my passions--do you
+regret, that I am restored to reason? To you I owe every thing--life,
+and its comforts, rational enjoyments, and the opportunity of usefulness.
+I feel for you all the affection that a reasonable and a virtuous mind
+ought to feel--that affection which is compatible with the fulfilling
+of other duties. We are guilty of vice and selfishness when we yield
+ourselves up to unbounded desires, and suffer our hearts to be wholly
+absorbed by one object, however meritorious that object may be.'
+
+'Ah! how calmly you reason,--while I listen to you I cannot help loving
+and admiring you, but I must ever hate that accursed Harley--No! _I am
+not satisfied_--and I sometimes regret that I ever beheld you.'
+
+Many months glided away with but little interruptions to our
+tranquillity.--A remembrance of the past would at times obtrude itself,
+like the broken recollections of a feverish vision. To banish these
+painful retrospections, I hastened to employ myself; every hour was
+devoted to active usefulness, or to social and rational recreation.
+
+I became a mother; in performing the duties of a nurse, my affections
+were awakened to new and sweet emotions.--The father of my child
+appeared more respectable in my eyes, became more dear to me: the
+engaging smiles of my little Emma repayed me for every pain and every
+anxiety. While I beheld my husband caress his infant, I tasted a pure, a
+chaste, an ineffable pleasure.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+
+About six weeks after my recovery from childbed, some affairs of
+importance called Mr Montague to London. Three days after he had quitted
+me, as, bending over the cradle of my babe, I contemplated in silence
+its tranquil slumbers, I was alarmed by an uncommon confusion in the
+lower part of the house. Hastening down stairs, to enquire into the
+cause, I was informed--that a gentleman, in passing through the town,
+had been thrown from his horse, that he was taken up senseless, and, as
+was customary in cases of accident, had been brought into our house,
+that he might receive assistance.
+
+Mr Montague was from home, a young gentleman who resided with us, and
+assisted my husband in his profession, was also absent, visiting a
+patient. Having myself acquired some knowledge of surgery, I went
+immediately into the hall to give the necessary directions on the
+occasion. The gentleman was lying on the floor, without any signs of
+life. I desired the people to withdraw, who, crowding round with
+sincere, but useless sympathy, obstructed the circulation of air.
+Approaching the unfortunate man, I instantly recognised the well-known
+features, though much altered, wan and sunk, of _Augustus Harley_.
+Staggering a few paces backward--a death-like sickness overspread my
+heart--a crowd of confused and terrible emotions rushed through my
+mind.--But a momentary reflection recalled my scattered thoughts. Once
+before, I had saved from death an object so fatal to my repose. I
+exerted all my powers, his hair was clotted, and his face disfigured
+with blood; I ordered the servants to raise and carry him to an
+adjoining apartment, wherein was a large, low sopha, on which they laid
+him. Carefully washing the blood from the wound, I found he had received
+a dangerous contusion in his head, but that the scull, as I had at first
+apprehended, was not fractured. I cut the hair from the wounded part,
+and applied a proper bandage. I did more--no other assistance being at
+hand, I ventured to open a vein: the blood presently flowed freely, and
+he began to revive. I bathed his temples, and sprinkled the room with
+vinegar, opened the windows to let the air pass freely through, raised
+his head with the pillows of the sopha, and sprinkled his face and
+breast with cold water. I held his hand in mine--I felt the languid and
+wavering pulse quicken--I fixed my eyes upon his face--at that moment
+every thing else was forgotten, and my nerves seemed firmly braced by my
+exertions.
+
+He at length opened his eyes, gazed upon me with a vacant look, and
+vainly attempted, for some time, to speak. At last, he uttered a few
+incoherent words, but I perceived his senses were wandering, and I
+conjectured, too truly, that his brain had received a concussion. He
+made an effort to rise, but sunk down again.
+
+'Where am I,' said he, 'every object appears to me double.'
+
+He shut his eyes, and remained silent. I mixed for him a cordial and
+composing medicine, and entreating him to take it, he once more raised
+himself, and looked up.--Our eyes met, his were wild and unsettled.
+
+'That voice,'--said he, in a low tone, 'that countenance--Oh God! where
+am I?'
+
+A strong, but transient, emotion passed over his features. With a
+trembling hand he seized and swallowed the medicine I had offered, and
+again relapsed into a kind of lethargic stupor. I then gave orders for a
+bed to be prepared, into which I had him conveyed. I darkened the room,
+and desired, that he might be kept perfectly quiet.
+
+I retired to my apartment, my confinement was yet but recent, and I had
+not perfectly recovered my strength. Exhausted by the strong efforts I
+had made, and the stronger agitation of my mind, I sunk into a fainting
+fit, (to which I was by no means subject) and remained for some time
+in a state of perfect insensibility. On my recovery, I learnt that Mr
+Lucas, the assistant of my husband, had returned, and was in the chamber
+of the stranger; I sent for him on his quitting the apartment, and
+eagerly interrogated him respecting the state of the patient. He shook
+his head--I related to him the methods I had taken, and enquired whether
+I had erred? He smiled--
+
+'You are an excellent surgeon,' said he, 'you acted very properly, but,'
+observing my pallid looks, 'I wish your little nursery may not suffer
+from your humanity'--
+
+'I lay no claim,' replied I with emotion--'to extraordinary humanity--I
+would have done the same for the poorest of my fellow creatures--but
+this gentleman is an old acquaintance, _a friend_, whom, in the early
+periods of my life, I greatly respected.'
+
+'I am sorry for it, for I dare not conceal from you, that I think him in
+a dangerous condition.'
+
+I changed countenance--'There is no fracture, no bones are broken.'--
+
+'No, but the brain has received an alarming concussion--he is also,
+otherwise, much bruised, and, I fear, has suffered some internal
+injury.'
+
+'You distress and terrify me,' said I, gasping for breath--'What is to
+be done--shall we call in further advice?'
+
+'I think so; in the mean time, if you are acquainted with his friends,
+you would do well to apprize them of what has happened.'
+
+'I know little of them, I know not where to address them--Oh! save him,'
+continued I, clasping my hands with encreased emotion, unconscious of
+what I did, 'for God's sake save him, if you would preserve me from
+dis--'
+
+A look penetrating and curious from Lucas, recalled me to reason.
+Commending his patient to my care, he quitted me, and rode to the next
+town to procure the aid of a skilful and experienced Physician. I walked
+up and down the room for some time in a state of distraction.
+
+'He will die'--exclaimed I--'die in my house--fatal accident! Oh,
+Augustus! _too tenderly beloved_, thou wert fated to be the ruin of my
+peace! But, whatever may be the consequences, I will perform, for thee,
+the last tender offices.--I will not desert my duty!'
+
+The nurse brought to me my infant, it smiled in my face--I pressed it to
+my bosom--I wept over it.--How could I, from that agitated bosom, give
+it a pernicious sustenance?
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+
+In the evening, I repaired to the chamber of Mr Harley, I sat by his
+bed-side, I gazed mournfully on his flushed, but vacant countenance--I
+took his hand--it was dry and burning--the pulse beat rapidly, but
+irregularly, beneath my trembling fingers. His lips moved, he seemed to
+speak, though inarticulately--but sometimes raising his voice, I could
+distinguish a few incoherent sentences. In casting my eyes round the
+room, I observed the scattered articles of his dress, his cloaths were
+black, and in his hat, which lay on the ground, I discovered a crape
+hatband. I continued to hold his burning hand in mine.
+
+'She died,'--said he--'and my unkindness killed her--unhappy Emma--thy
+heart was too tender!'--I shuddered--'No, no,'--continued he, after a
+few minutes pause, 'she is not married--she dared not give her hand
+without her heart, _and that heart was only mine_!' he added something
+more, in a lower tone, which I was unable to distinguish.
+
+Overcome by a variety of sensations, I sunk into a chair, and, throwing
+my handkerchief over my face, indulged my tears.
+
+Sometimes he mentioned his wife, sometimes his mother.--At length,
+speaking rapidly, in a raised voice--'My son,'--said he, 'thou hast no
+mother--but Emma will be a mother to thee--she will love thee--_she
+loved thy father_--her heart was the residence of gentle
+affections--yet, I pierced that heart!'
+
+I suspected, that a confused recollection of having seen me on
+recovering from the state of insensibility, in which he had been
+brought, after the accident, into our house, had probably recalled the
+associations formerly connected with this idea. The scene became too
+affecting: I rushed from the apartment. All the past impressions seemed
+to revive in my mind--my thoughts, with fatal mechanism, ran back into
+their old and accustomed channels.--For a moment, conjugal, maternal,
+duties, every consideration _but for one object_ faded from before me!
+
+In a few hours, Mr Lucas returned with the physician;--I attended
+them to the chamber, heedfully watching their looks. The fever still
+continued very high, accompanied with a labouring, unsteady pulse, a
+difficult respiration, and strong palpitations of the heart. The doctor
+said little, but I discovered his apprehensions in his countenance. The
+patient appeared particularly restless and uneasy, and the delirium
+still continued. On quitting the apartment, I earnestly conjured the
+gentlemen to tell me their opinion of the case. They both expressed an
+apprehension of internal injury.
+
+'But a short time,' they added, 'would determine it; in the mean while
+he must be kept perfectly still.'
+
+I turned from them, and walked to the window--I raised my eyes to
+heaven--I breathed an involuntary ejaculation--I felt that the crisis
+of my fate was approaching, and I endeavoured to steel my nerves--to
+prepare my mind for the arduous duties which awaited me.
+
+Mr Lucas approached me, the physician having quitted the room. '_Mrs
+Montague_,' said he, in an emphatic tone--'in your sympathy for a
+_stranger_, do not forget other relations.'
+
+'I do not need, sir, to be reminded by you of my duties; were not the
+sufferings of a fellow being a sufficient claim upon our humanity, this
+gentleman has _more affecting claims_--I am neither a stranger to him,
+nor to his virtues.'
+
+'So I perceive, madam,' said he, with an air a little sarcastic, 'I
+wish, Mr Montague were here to participate your cares.'
+
+'I wish he were, sir, his generous nature would not disallow them.' I
+spoke haughtily, and abruptly left him.
+
+I took a turn in the garden, endeavouring to compose my spirits, and,
+after visiting the nursery, returned to the chamber of Mr Harley. I
+there found Mr Lucas, and in a steady tone, declared my intention of
+watching his patient through the night.
+
+'As you please, madam,' said he coldly.
+
+I seated myself in an easy chair, reclining my head on my hand. The bed
+curtains were undrawn on the side next me. Augustus frequently started,
+as from broken slumbers; his respiration grew, every moment, more
+difficult and laborious, and, sometimes, he groaned heavily, as if in
+great pain. Once he suddenly raised himself in the bed, and, gazing
+wildly round the room, exclaimed in a distinct, but hurried tone--
+
+'Why dost thou persecute me with thy ill-fated tenderness? A fathomless
+gulf separates us!--Emma!' added he, in a plaintive voice, '_dost thou,
+indeed, still love me?_' and, heaving a convulsive sigh, sunk again on
+his pillow.
+
+Mr Lucas, who stood at the feet of the bed, turned his eye on me. I
+met his glance with the steady aspect of conscious rectitude. About
+midnight, our patient grew worse, and, after strong agonies, was seized
+with a vomiting of blood. The fears of the physician were but too well
+verified, he had again ruptured the blood-vessel, once before broken.
+
+Mr Lucas had but just retired, I ordered him to be instantly recalled,
+and, stifling every feeling, that might incapacitate me for active
+exertion, I rendered him all the assistance in my power--I neither
+trembled, nor shed a tear--I banished the _woman_ from my heart--I
+acquitted myself with a firmness that would not have disgraced the most
+experienced, and veteran surgeon. My services were materially useful,
+my solicitude vanquished every shrinking sensibility, _affection had
+converted me into a heroine_! The hæmorrhage continued, at intervals,
+all the next day: I passed once or twice from the chamber to the
+nursery, and immediately returned. We called in a consultation, but
+little hope was afforded.
+
+The next night, Mr Lucas and myself continued to watch--towards morning
+our exhausted patient sunk into an apparently tranquil slumber. Mr Lucas
+intreated me to retire, and take some repose, on my refusal, he availed
+himself of the opportunity, and went to his apartment, desiring to be
+called if any change should take place. The nurse slept soundly in her
+chair, I alone remained watching--I felt neither fatigue nor languor--my
+strength seemed preserved as by a miracle, so omnipotent is the
+operation of moral causes!
+
+Silence reigned throughout the house; I hung over the object of my
+tender cares--his features were serene--but his cheeks and lips were
+pale and bloodless. From time to time I took his lifeless hand--a low,
+fluttering, pulse, sometimes seeming to stop, and then to vibrate with a
+tremulous motion, but too plainly justified my fears--his breath, though
+less laborious, was quick and short--a cold dew hung upon his temples--I
+gently wiped them with my handkerchief, and pressed my lips to his
+forehead. Yet, at that moment, that solemn moment--while I beheld the
+object of my virgin affections--whom I had loved with a tenderness,
+'passing the love of woman'--expiring before my eyes--I forgot not that
+I was a wife and a mother.--The purity of my feelings sanctified their
+enthusiasm!
+
+The day had far advanced, though the house still remained quiet, when
+Augustus, after a deep drawn sigh, opened his eyes. The loss of blood
+had calmed the delirium, and though he regarded me attentively, and with
+evident surprize, the wildness of his eyes and countenance had given
+place to their accustomed steady expression. He spoke in a faint voice.
+
+'Where am I, how came I here?'
+
+I drew nearer to him--'An unfortunate accident has thrown you into the
+care of kind friends--you have been very ill--it is not proper that you
+should exert yourself--rely on those to whom your safety is precious.'
+
+He looked at me as I spoke--his eyes glistened--he breathed a half
+smothered sigh, but attempted not to reply. He continued to doze at
+intervals throughout the day, but evidently grew weaker every hour--I
+quitted him not for a moment, even my nursery was forgotten. I sat, or
+knelt, at the bed's head, and, between his short and broken slumbers,
+administered cordial medicines. He seemed to take them with pleasure
+from my hand, and a mournful tenderness at times beamed in his eyes. I
+neither spake nor wept--my strength appeared equal to every trial.
+
+In the evening, starting from a troubled sleep, he fell into
+convulsions--I kept my station--our efforts were successful--he again
+revived. I supported the pillows on which his head reclined, sprinkled
+the bed cloaths, and bathed his temples, with hungary water, while I
+wiped from them the damps of death. A few tears at length forced their
+way, they fell upon his hand, which rested on the pillow--he kissed them
+off, and raised to mine his languid eyes, in which death was already
+painted.
+
+The blood forsaking the extremities, rushed wildly to my heart, a strong
+palpitation seized it, my fortitude had well nigh forsaken me. But I
+had been habituated to subdue my feelings, and should I suffer them
+to disturb the last moments of him, _who had taught me this painful
+lesson_? He made a sign for a cordial, an attendant offering one--he
+waved his hand and turned from her his face--I took it--held it to
+his lips, and he instantly drank it. Another strong emotion shook my
+nerves--once more I struggled and gained the victory. He spoke in feeble
+and interrupted periods--kneeling down, scarce daring to breathe, I
+listened.
+
+'I have a son,' said he,--'I am dying--he will have no longer a
+parent--transfer to him a portion of--'
+
+'I comprehend you--say no more--_he is mine_--I adopt him--where shall I
+find--?'
+
+He pointed to his cloaths;--'a pocket book'--said he, in accents still
+fainter.
+
+'Enough!--I swear, in this awful moment, never to forsake him.'
+
+He raised my hand to his lips--a tender smile illumined his countenance
+--'Surely,' said he, 'I have sufficiently fulfilled the dictates of
+a rigid honour!--In these last moments--when every earthly tie is
+dissolving--when human institutions fade before my sight--I may,
+without a crime, tell you--_that I have loved you_.--Your tenderness
+early penetrated my heart--aware of its weakness--I sought to shun
+you--I imposed on myself those severe laws of which you causelessly
+complained.--Had my conduct been less rigid, I had been lost--I had been
+unjust to the bonds which I had voluntarily contracted; and which,
+therefore, had on me indispensible claims. I acted from good motives,
+but no doubt, was guilty of some errors--yet, my conflicts were,
+even, more cruel than yours--I had not only to contend against my own
+sensibility, but against yours also.--The fire which is pent up burns
+the fiercest!'--
+
+He ceased to speak--a transient glow, which had lighted up his
+countenance, faded--exhausted, by the strong effort he had made, he sunk
+back--his eyes grew dim--they closed--_their last light beamed on
+me_!--I caught him in my arms--and--_he awoke no more_. The spirits,
+that had hitherto supported me, suddenly subsided. I uttered a piercing
+shriek, and sunk upon the body.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+
+Many weeks passed of which I have no remembrance, they were a blank in
+my life--a long life of sorrow! When restored to recollection, I found
+myself in my own chamber, my husband attending me. It was a long time
+before I could clearly retrace the images of the past. I learned--
+
+'That I had been seized with a nervous fever, in consequence of having
+exerted myself beyond my strength; that my head had been disordered;
+that Mr Montague on his return, finding me in this situation, of which
+Mr Lucas had explained the causes, had been absorbed in deep affliction;
+that, inattentive to every other concern, he had scarcely quitted my
+apartment; that my child had been sent out to nurse; and that my
+recovery had been despaired of.'
+
+My constitution was impaired by these repeated shocks. I continued
+several months in a low and debilitated state.--With returning reason,
+I recalled to my remembrance the charge which Augustus had consigned to
+me in his last moments. I enquired earnestly for the pocket-book he had
+mentioned, and was informed, that, after his decease, it had been found,
+and its contents examined, which were a bank note of fifty pounds, some
+letters, and memorandums. Among the letters was one from his brother,
+by which means they had learned his address, and had been enabled to
+transmit to him an account of the melancholy catastrophe, and to request
+his orders respecting the disposal of the body. On the receipt of this
+intelligence, the younger Mr Harley had come immediately into ----shire,
+had received his brother's effects, and had his remains decently and
+respectfully interred in the town where the fatal accident had taken
+place, through which he was passing in his way to visit a friend.
+
+As soon as I had strength to hold a pen, I wrote to this gentleman,
+mentioning the tender office which had been consigned to me; and
+requesting that the child, or children, of Mr Augustus Harley, might be
+consigned to my care. To this letter I received an answer, in a few
+days, hinting--
+
+'That the marriage of my deceased friend had not been more imprudent
+than unfortunate; that he had struggled with great difficulties and many
+sorrows; that his wife had been dead near a twelve-month; that he had
+lost two of his children, about the same period, with the small-pox, one
+only surviving, the younger, a son, a year and a half old; that it was,
+at present, at nurse, under his (his brother's) protection; that his
+respect for me, and knowledge of my friendship for their family, added
+to his wish of complying with every request of his deceased brother,
+prevented him from hesitating a moment respecting the propriety of
+yielding the child to my care; that it should be delivered to any person
+whom I should commission for the purpose; and that I might draw upon him
+for the necessary charges towards the support and education of his
+nephew.'
+
+I mentioned to Mr Montague these particulars, with a desire of availing
+myself of his counsel and assistance on the occasion.
+
+'You are free, madam,' he replied, with a cold and distant air, 'to act
+as you shall think proper; but you must excuse me from making myself
+responsible in this affair.'
+
+I sighed deeply. I perceived, but too plainly, that _a mortal blow was
+given to my tranquillity_; but I determined to persevere in what I
+considered to be my duty. On the retrospect of my conduct, my heart
+acquitted me; and I endeavoured to submit, without repining, to my fate.
+
+I was, at this period, informed by a faithful servant, who attended me
+during my illness, of what I had before but too truly conjectured--That
+in my delirium I had incessantly called upon the name of Augustus Harley,
+and repeated, at intervals, in broken language, the circumstances of our
+last tender and fatal interview: this, with some particulars related
+by Mr Lucas to Mr Montague on his return, had, it seems, at the time,
+inflamed the irascible passions of my husband, almost to madness. His
+transports had subsided, by degrees, into gloomy reserve: he had watched
+me, till my recovery, with unremitting attention; since which his
+confidence and affection became, every day, more visibly alienated.
+Self-respect suppressed my complaints--conscious of deserving, even more
+than ever, his esteem, I bore his caprice with patience, trusting that
+time, and my conduct, would restore him to reason, and awaken in his
+heart a sense of justice.
+
+I sent for my babe from the house of the nurse, to whose care it had
+been confided during my illness, and placed the little Augustus in its
+stead. 'It is unnecessary, my friend, to say, that you were that lovely
+and interesting child.--Oh! with what emotion did I receive, and press,
+you to my care-worn bosom; retracing in your smiling countenance the
+features of your unfortunate father! Adopting you for my own, I divided
+my affection between you and my Emma. Scarce a day passed that I did
+not visit the cottage of your nurse. I taught you to call me by the
+endearing name of _mother_! I delighted to see you caress my infant with
+fraternal tenderness--I endeavoured to cherish this growing affection,
+and found a sweet relief from my sorrows in these tender, maternal,
+cares.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+
+My health being considerably injured, I had taken a young woman into my
+house, to assist me in the nursery, and in other domestic offices. She
+was in her eighteenth year--simple, modest, and innocent. This girl had
+resided with me for some months. I had been kind to her, and she
+seemed attached to me. One morning, going suddenly into Mr Montague's
+dressing-room, I surprised Rachel sitting on a sopha with her master:--he
+held her hand in his, while his arm was thrown round her waist; and they
+appeared to be engaged in earnest conversation. They both started, on my
+entrance:--Unwilling to encrease their confusion, I quitted the room.
+
+Montague, on our meeting at dinner, affected an air of unconcern; but
+there was an apparent constraint in his behaviour. I preserved towards
+him my accustomed manner, till the servants had withdrawn. I then mildly
+expostulated with him on the impropriety of his behaviour. His replies
+were not more unkind than ungenerous--they pierced my heart.
+
+'It is well, sir, I am inured to suffering; but it is not of _myself_
+that I would speak. I have not deserved to lose your confidence--this
+is my consolation;--yet, I submit to it:--but I cannot see you act in a
+manner, that will probably involve you in vexation, and intail upon you
+remorse, without warning you of your danger. Should you corrupt the
+innocence of this girl, she is emphatically _ruined_. It is the strong
+mind only, that, firmly resting on its own powers, can sustain and
+recover itself amidst the world's scorn and injustice. The morality of
+an uncultivated understanding, is that of _custom_, not of reason: break
+down the feeble barrier, and there is nothing to supply its place--you
+open the flood-gates of infamy and wretchedness. Who can say where the
+evil may stop?'
+
+'You are at liberty to discharge your servant, when you please, madam.'
+
+'I think it my duty to do so, Mr Montague--not on my own, but on _her_,
+account. If I have no claim upon your affection and principles, I would
+disdain to watch your conduct. But I feel myself attached to this young
+woman, and would wish to preserve her from destruction!'
+
+'You are very generous, but as you thought fit to bestow on me your
+_hand_, when your _heart_ was devoted to another--'
+
+'It is enough, sir!--To your justice, only, in your cooler moments,
+would I appeal!'
+
+I procured for Rachel a reputable place, in a distant part of the
+county.--Before she quitted me, I seriously, and affectionately,
+remonstrated with her on the consequences of her behaviour. She answered
+me only with tears and blushes.
+
+In vain I tried to rectify the principles, and subdue the cruel
+prejudices, of my husband. I endeavoured to shew him every mark of
+affection and confidence. I frequently expostulated with him, upon
+his conduct, with tears--urged him to respect himself and me--strove
+to convince him of the false principles upon which he acted--of the
+senseless and barbarous manner in which he was sacrificing my peace, and
+his own, to a romantic chimera. Sometimes he would appear, for a moment,
+melted with my tender and fervent entreaties.
+
+'Would to God!' he would say, with emotion, 'the last six months of my
+life could be obliterated for ever from my remembrance!'
+
+He was no longer active, and chearful: he would sit, for hours, involved
+in deep and gloomy silence. When I brought the little Emma, to soften,
+by her engaging caresses, the anxieties by which his spirits appeared
+to be overwhelmed, he would gaze wildly upon her--snatch her to his
+breast--and then, suddenly throwing her from him, rush out of the house;
+and, inattentive to the duties of his profession, absent himself for
+days and nights together:--his temper grew, every hour, more furious and
+unequal.
+
+He by accident, one evening, met the little Augustus, as his nurse was
+carrying him from my apartment; and, breaking rudely into the room,
+overwhelmed me with a torrent of abuse and reproaches. I submitted
+to his injustice with silent grief--my spirits were utterly broken.
+At times, he would seem to be sensible of the impropriety of his
+conduct--would execrate himself and entreat my forgiveness;--but
+quickly relapsed into his accustomed paroxysms, which, from having
+been indulged, were now become habitual, and uncontroulable. These
+agitations seemed daily to encrease--all my efforts to regain his
+confidence--my patient, unremitted, attentions--were fruitless. He
+shunned me--he appeared, even, to regard me with horror. I wept in
+silence. The hours which I passed with my children afforded me my only
+consolation--they became painfully dear to me. Attending to their little
+sports, and innocent gambols, I forgot, for a moment, my griefs.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+
+
+Some months thus passed away, with little variation in my situation.
+Returning home one morning, early, from the nurse's, where I had left my
+Emma with Augustus (whom I never, now, permitted to be brought to my own
+house) as I entered, Mr Montague shot suddenly by me, and rushed up
+stairs towards his apartment. I saw him but transiently, as he passed;
+but his haggard countenance, and furious gestures, filled me with
+dismay. He had been from home the preceding night; but to these absences
+I had lately been too much accustomed to regard them as any thing
+extraordinary. I hesitated a few moments, whether I should follow him.
+I feared, lest I might exasperate him by so doing; yet, the unusual
+disorder of his appearance gave me a thousand terrible and nameless
+apprehensions. I crept toward the door of his apartment--listened
+attentively, and heard him walking up and down the room, with hasty
+steps--sometimes he appeared to stop, and groaned heavily:--once I
+heard him throw up the sash, and shut it again with violence.
+
+I attempted to open the door, but, finding it locked, my terror
+increased.--I knocked gently, but could not attract his attention. At
+length I recollected another door, that led to this apartment, through
+my own chamber, which was fastened on the outside, and seldom opened.
+With trembling steps I hurried round, and, on entering the room,
+beheld him sitting at a table, a pen in his hand, and paper before
+him. On the table lay his pistols--his hair was dishevelled--his
+dress disordered--his features distorted with emotion--while in his
+countenance was painted the extreme of horror and despair.
+
+I uttered a faint shriek, and sunk into a chair. He started from his
+seat, and, advancing towards me with hurried and tremulous steps,
+sternly demanded, Why I intruded on his retirement? I threw myself
+at his feet,--I folded my arms round him--I wept--I deprecated his
+anger--I entreated to be heard--I said all that humanity, all that the
+most tender and lively sympathy could suggest, to inspire him with
+confidence--to induce him to relieve, by communication, the burthen
+which oppressed his heart.--He struggled to free himself from me--my
+apprehensions gave me strength--I held him with a strenuous grasp--he
+raved--he stamped--he tore his hair--his passion became frenzy! At
+length, forcibly bursting from him, I fell on the floor, and the blood
+gushed from my nose and lips. He shuddered convulsively--stood a few
+moments, as if irresolute--and, then, throwing himself beside me, raised
+me from the ground; and, clasping me to his heart, which throbbed
+tumultuously, burst into a flood of tears.
+
+'I will not be thy _murderer_, Emma!' said he, in a voice of agony,
+interrupted by heart-rending sobs--'I have had enough of blood!'
+
+I tried to sooth him--I assured him I was not hurt--I besought him to
+confide his sorrows to the faithful bosom of his wife! He appeared
+softened--his tears flowed without controul.
+
+'Unhappy woman!--you know not what you ask! To be ingenuous, belongs
+to purity like yours!--Guilt, black as hell!--conscious, aggravated,
+damnable, guilt!--_Your fatal attachment_--my accursed jealousy!--Ah!
+Emma! I have injured you--but you are, indeed, revenged!'
+
+Every feature seemed to work--seemed pregnant with dreadful meaning--he
+was relapsing into frenzy.
+
+'Be calm, my friend--be not unjust to yourself--you can have committed
+no injury that I shall not willingly forgive--you are incapable of
+persisting in guilt. The ingenuous mind, that avows, has already made
+half the reparation. Suffer me to learn the source of your inquietude! I
+may find much to extenuate--I may be able to convince you, that you are
+too severe to yourself.'
+
+'Never, never, never!--nothing can extenuate--_the expiation must be
+made_!--Excellent, admirable, woman!--Remember, without hating, the
+wretch who has been unworthy of you--who could not conceive, who knew
+not how to estimate, your virtues!--Oh!--do not--do not'--straining me
+to his bosom--'curse my memory!'
+
+He started from the ground, and, in a moment, was out of sight.
+
+I raised myself with difficulty--faint, tottering, gasping for breath, I
+attempted to descend the stairs. I had scarcely reached the landing-place,
+when a violent knocking at the door shook my whole frame. I stood still,
+clinging to the balustrade, unable to proceed. I heard a chaise draw
+up--a servant opening the door--a plain-looking countryman alighted, and
+desired instantly to speak to the lady of the house--his business was,
+he said, of life and death! I advanced towards him, pale and trembling!
+
+'What is the matter, my friend--whence came you?'
+
+'I cannot stop, lady, to explain myself--you must come with me--I will
+tell you more as we go along.'
+
+'Do you come,' enquired I, in a voice scarcely articulate, 'from my
+husband?'
+
+'No--no--I come from a person who is dying, who has somewhat of
+consequence to impart to you--Hasten, lady--there is no time to lose!'
+
+'Lead, then, I follow you.'
+
+He helped me into the chaise, and we drove off with the rapidity of
+lightning.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+
+I asked no more questions on the road, but attempted to fortify my mind
+for the scenes which, I foreboded, were approaching. After about an
+hour's ride, we stopped at a small, neat, cottage, embosomed in trees,
+standing alone, at a considerable distance from the high-road. A
+decent-looking, elderly, woman, came to the door, at the sound of the
+carriage, and assisted me to alight. In her countenance were evident
+marks of perturbation and horror. I asked for a glass of water; and,
+having drank it, followed the woman, at her request, up stairs. She
+seemed inclined to talk, but I gave her no encouragement--I knew not
+what awaited me, nor what exertions might be requisite--I determined not
+to exhaust my spirits unnecessarily.
+
+On entering a small chamber, I observed a bed, with the curtains closely
+drawn. I advanced towards it, and, unfolding them, beheld the unhappy
+Rachel lying in a state of apparent insensibility.
+
+'She is dying,' whispered the woman, 'she has been in strong
+convulsions; but she could not die in peace without seeing Madam
+Montague, and obtaining her forgiveness.'
+
+I approached the unfortunate girl, and took her lifeless hand.--A
+feeble pulse still trembled--I gazed upon her, for some moments, in
+silence.--She heaved a deep sigh--her lips moved, inarticulately. She,
+at length, opened her eyes, and, fixing them upon me, the blood seemed
+to rush through her languid frame--reanimating it. She sprung up in the
+bed, and, clasping her hands together, uttered a few incoherent words.
+
+'Be pacified, my dear--I am not angry with you--I feel only pity.'
+
+She looked wildly. 'Ah! my dear lady, I am a wicked girl--but not--Oh,
+no!--_not a murderer!_ I did not--indeed, I did not--murder my child!'
+
+A cold tremor seized me--I turned heart-sick--a sensation of horror
+thrilled through my veins!
+
+'My dear, my kind mistress,' resumed the wretched girl, 'can you forgive
+me?--Oh! that cruel, barbarous, man!--It was _he_ who did it--indeed, it
+was _he_ who did it!' Distraction glared in her eyes.
+
+'I do forgive you,' said I, in broken accents. 'I will take care of
+you--but you must be calm.'
+
+'I will--I will'--replied she, in a rapid tone of voice--'but do not
+send me to prison--_I did not murder it!_--Oh! my child, my child!'
+continued she, in a screaming tone of frantic violence, and was again
+seized with strong convulsions.
+
+We administered all the assistance in our power. I endeavoured, with
+success, to stifle my emotions in the active duties of humanity. Rachel
+once more revived. After earnestly commending her to the care of the
+good woman of the house, and promising to send medicines and nourishment
+proper for her situation, and to reward their attentions--desiring
+that she might be kept perfectly still, and not be suffered to talk on
+subjects that agitated her--I quitted the place, presaging but too much,
+and not having, at that time, the courage to make further enquiries.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+
+
+On entering my own house my heart misgave me. I enquired, with
+trepidation, for my husband, and was informed--'That he had returned
+soon after my departure, and had shut himself in his apartment; that, on
+being followed by Mr Lucas, he had turned fiercely upon him, commanding
+him, in an imperious tone, instantly to leave him; adding, he had affairs
+of importance to transact; and should any one dare to intrude on him,
+it would be at the peril of their lives.' All the family appeared in
+consternation, but no one had presumed to disobey the orders of their
+master.--They expressed their satisfaction at my return--Alas! I was
+impotent to relieve the apprehensions which, I too plainly perceived,
+had taken possession of their minds.
+
+I retired to my chamber, and, with a trembling hand, traced, and
+addressed to my husband, a few incoherent lines--briefly hinting my
+suspicions respecting the late transactions--exhorting him to provide
+for his safety, and offering to be the companion of his flight. I
+added--'Let us reap wisdom from these tragical consequences of _indulged
+passion_! It is not to atone for the past error, by cutting off the
+prospect of future usefulness--Repentance for what can never be
+recalled, is absurd and vain, but as it affords a lesson for the time
+to come--do not let us wilfully forfeit the fruits of our dear-bought
+experience! I will never reproach you! Virtuous resolution, and time,
+may yet heal these aggravated wounds. Dear Montague, be no longer
+the slave of error; inflict not on my tortured mind new, and more
+insupportable, terrors! I await your directions--let us fly--let us
+summon our fortitude--let us, at length, bravely stem the tide of
+passion--let us beware of the criminal pusillanimity of despair!'
+
+With faultering steps, I sought the apartment of my husband. I listened
+a moment at the door--and hearing him in motion, while profound sighs
+burst every instant from his bosom, I slid my paper under the door,
+unfolded, that it might be the more likely to attract his attention.
+Presently, I had the satisfaction of hearing him take it up. After some
+minutes, a slip of paper was returned, by the same method which I had
+adopted, in which was written, in characters blotted, and scarcely
+legible, the following words--
+
+'Leave me, one half hour, to my reflections: at the end of that period,
+be assured, I will see, or write, to you.'
+
+I knew him to be incapable of falsehood--my heart palpitated with hope.
+I went to my chamber, and passed the interval in a thousand cruel
+reflections, and vague plans for our sudden departure. Near an hour
+had elapsed, when the bell rang. I started, breathless, from my seat.
+A servant passed my door, to take his master's orders. He returned
+instantly, and, meeting me in the passage, delivered to me a letter.
+I heard Montague again lock the door.--Disappointed, I re-entered my
+chamber. In my haste to get at the contents of the paper, I almost tore
+it in pieces--the words swam before my sight. I held it for some moments
+in my hand, incapable of decyphering the fatal characters. I breathed
+with difficulty--all the powers of life seemed suspended--when the
+report of a pistol roused me to a sense of confused horror.--Rushing
+forward, I burst, with preternatural strength, into the apartment of my
+husband--What a spectacle!--Assistance was vain!--Montague--the impetuous,
+ill-fated, Montague--_was no more--was a mangled corpse_!--Rash,
+unfortunate, young, man!
+
+But, why should I harrow up your susceptible mind, by dwelling on
+these cruel scenes? _Ah! suffer me to spread a veil over this fearful
+catastrophe!_ Some time elapsed ere I had fortitude to examine the paper
+addressed to me by my unfortunate husband. Its contents, which were as
+follows, affected me with deep and mingled emotions.
+
+
+      TO MRS MONTAGUE.
+
+      'Amidst the reflections which press, by turns, upon my
+      burning brain, an obscure consciousness of the prejudices
+      upon which my character has been formed, is not the least
+      torturing--because I feel the _inveterate force of habit_--I
+      feel, that my convictions come too late!
+
+      'I have destroyed myself, and you, dearest, most generous,
+      and most unfortunate, of women! I am a monster!--I have
+      seduced innocence, and embrued my hands in blood!--Oh,
+      God!--Oh, God!--_'Tis there distraction lies!_--I would,
+      circumstantially, retrace my errors; but my disordered mind,
+      and quivering hand, refuse the cruel task--yet, it is
+      necessary that I should attempt a brief sketch.
+
+      'After the cruel accident, which destroyed our tranquillity,
+      I nourished my senseless jealousies (the sources of
+      which I need not, now, recapitulate), till I persuaded
+      myself--injurious wretch that I was!--that I had been
+      perfidiously and ungenerously treated. Stung by false pride,
+      I tried to harden my heart, and foolishly thirsted for
+      revenge. Your meekness, and magnanimity, disappointed me.--I
+      would willingly have seen you, not only suffer the PANGS,
+      but express the _rage_, of a slighted wife. The simple
+      victim of my baseness, by the artless affection she
+      expressed for me, gained an ascendency over my mind; and,
+      when you removed her from your house, we still contrived, at
+      times, to meet. The consequences of our intercourse could
+      not long be concealed. It was, then, that I first began
+      to open my eyes on my conduct, and to be seized with
+      remorse!--Rachel, now, wept incessantly. Her father, she
+      told me, was a stern and severe man; and should he hear of
+      her misconduct, would, she was certain, be her destruction.
+      I procured for her an obscure retreat, to which I removed
+      the unhappy girl [Oh, how degrading is vice!], under false
+      pretences. I exhorted her to conceal her situation--to
+      pretend, that her health was in a declining state--and I
+      visited her, from time to time, as in my profession.
+
+      'This poor young creature continued to bewail the disgrace
+      she anticipated--her lamentations pierced my soul! I
+      recalled to my remembrance your emphatic caution. I foresaw
+      that, with the loss of her character, this simple girl's
+      misfortune and degradation would be irretrievable; and I
+      could, now, plainly distinguish the morality of _rule_ from
+      that of _principle_. Pursuing this train of reasoning, I
+      entangled myself, for my views were not yet sufficiently
+      clear and comprehensible! Bewildered, amidst contending
+      principles--distracted by a variety of emotions--in seeking
+      a remedy for one vice, I plunged (as is but too common),
+      into others of a more scarlet dye. With shame and horror, I
+      confess, I repeatedly tried, by medical drugs, to procure
+      an abortive birth: the strength and vigour of Rachel's
+      constitution defeated this diabolical purpose. Foiled in
+      these attempts, I became hardened, desperate, and
+      barbarous!
+
+      'Six weeks before the allotted period, the infant saw the
+      light--for a moment--to close its eyes on it for ever!
+      I, only, was with the unhappy mother. I had formed no
+      deliberate purpose--I had not yet arrived at the acme of
+      guilt--but, perceiving, from the babe's premature birth, and
+      the consequences of the pernicious potions which had been
+      administered to the mother, that the vital flame played
+      but feebly--that life was but as a quivering, uncertain,
+      spark--a sudden and terrible thought darted through my mind.
+      I know not whether my emotion betrayed me to the ear of
+      Rachel--but, suddenly throwing back the curtain of the bed,
+      she beheld me grasp--with savage ferocity--_with murderous
+      hands_!--Springing from the bed, and throwing herself upon
+      me--her piercing shrieks--
+
+      '_I can no more_--of the rest you seem, from whatever means,
+      but too well informed!
+
+      I need not say--protect, if she survive, the miserable
+      mother!--To you, whose heavenly goodness I have so ill
+      requited, it would be injurious as unnecessary! I read, too
+      late, the heart I have insulted!
+
+      'I have settled the disposal of my effects--I have commanded
+      my feelings to give you this last, sad, proof of my
+      confidence.--_Kneeling_, I entreat your forgiveness for the
+      sufferings I have caused you! I found your heart wounded--and
+      into those festering wounds I infused a deadly venom--curse
+      not my memory--_We meet no more_.
+
+      'Farewel! first, and last, and only, beloved of women!--a
+      long--a long farewel!
+                                                        'MONTAGUE.'
+
+
+These are the consequences of confused systems of morals--and thus it
+is, that minds of the highest hope, and fairest prospect, are blasted!
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+
+
+The unhappy Rachel recovered her health by slow degrees. I had
+determined, when my affairs were settled, to leave a spot, that had been
+the scene of so many tragical events. I proposed to the poor girl to
+take her again into my family, to which she acceded with rapture. She
+has never since quitted me, and her faithful services, and humble,
+grateful attachment, have repaid my protection an hundred fold.
+
+Mr Montague left ten thousand pounds, the half of which was settled on
+his daughter, the remainder left to my disposal. This determined me to
+adopt you wholly for my son. I wrote to your uncle to that purport,
+taking upon myself the entire charge of your education, and entreating,
+that you might never know, unless informed by myself, to whom you
+owed your birth. That you should continue to think me _your mother_,
+flattered my tenderness, nor was my Emma, herself, more dear to me.
+
+I retired in a few months to my present residence, sharing my heart and
+my attentions between my children, who grew up under my fostering care,
+lovely and beloved.
+
+  'While every day, soft as it roll'd along,
+   Shew'd some new charm.'
+
+I observed your affection for each other with a flattering presage.
+With the features of your father, you inherited his intrepidity, and
+manly virtues--even, at times, I thought I perceived the seeds of his
+inflexible spirit; but the caresses of my Emma, more fortunate than her
+mother--yet, with all her mother's sensibility--could, in an instant,
+soften you to tenderness, and melt you into infantine sweetness.
+
+I endeavoured to form your young minds to every active virtue, to every
+generous sentiment.--You received, from the same masters, the same
+lessons, till you attained your twelfth year; and my Emma emulated, and
+sometimes outstripped your progress. I observed, with a mixture of hope
+and solicitude, her lively capacity--her enthusiastic affections; while
+I laboured to moderate and regulate them.
+
+It now became necessary that your educations should take a somewhat
+different direction; I wished to fit you for a commercial line of life;
+but the ardor you discovered for science and literature occasioned me
+some perplexity, as I feared it might unfit you for application to
+trade, in the pursuit of which so many talents are swallowed up, and
+powers wasted. Yet, as to the professions my objections were still more
+serious.--The study of law, is the study of chicanery.--The church, the
+school of hypocrisy and usurpation! You could only enter the universities
+by a moral degradation, that must check the freedom, and contaminate the
+purity, of the mind, and, entangling it in an inexplicable maze of error
+and contradiction, _poison virtue at its source_, and lay the foundation
+for a duplicity of character and a perversion of reason, destructive
+of every manly principle of integrity. For the science of physic you
+expressed a disinclination. A neighbouring gentleman, a surveyor, a man
+high in his profession, and of liberal manners, to whose friendship
+I was indebted, offered to take you. You were delighted with this
+proposal, (to which I had no particular objection) as you had a taste
+for drawing and architecture.
+
+Our separation, though you were to reside in the same town, cost us many
+tears--I loved you with more than a mother's fondness--and my Emma clung
+round the neck of her beloved brother, her Augustus, her playfellow, and
+sobbed on his bosom. It was with difficulty that you could disentangle
+yourself from our embraces. Every moment of leisure you flew to us--my
+Emma learned from you to draw plans, and to study the laws of proportion.
+Every little exuberance in your disposition, which, generated by a noble
+pride, sometimes wore the features of asperity, was soothed into peace
+by her gentleness and affection: while she delighted to emulate your
+fortitude, and to rise superior to the feebleness fostered in her sex,
+under the specious name of delicacy. Your mutual attachment encreased
+with your years, I renewed my existence in my children, and anticipated
+their more perfect union.
+
+Ah! my son, need I proceed? Must I continually blot the page with the
+tale of sorrow? Can I tear open again, can I cause to bleed afresh, in
+your heart and my own, wounds scarcely closed? In her fourteenth year,
+in the spring of life, your Emma and mine, lovely and fragile blossom,
+was blighted by a killing frost--After a few days illness, she drooped,
+faded, languished, and died!
+
+It was now that I felt--'That no agonies were like the agonies of a
+mother.' My broken spirits, from these repeated sorrows, sunk into
+habitual, hopeless, dejection. Prospects, that I had meditated with
+ineffable delight, were for ever veiled in darkness. Every earthly tie
+was broken, except that which bound you to my desolated heart with a
+still stronger cord of affection. You wept, in my arms, the loss of her
+whom you, yet, fondly believed your sister.--I cherished the illusion
+lest, by dissolving it, I should weaken your confidence in my maternal
+love, weaken that tenderness which was now my only consolation.
+
+
+      TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY.
+
+      My Augustus, _my more than son_, around whom my spirit,
+      longing for dissolution, still continues to flutter! I have
+      unfolded the errors of my past life--I have traced them to
+      their source--I have laid bare my mind before you, that the
+      experiments which have been made upon it may be beneficial
+      to yours! It has been a painful, and a humiliating
+      recital--the retrospection has been marked with anguish. As
+      the enthusiasm--as the passions of my youth--have passed in
+      review before me, long forgotten emotions have been revived
+      in my lacerated heart--it has been again torn with _the
+      pangs of contemned love_--the disappointment of rational
+      plans of usefulness--the dissolution of the darling hopes of
+      maternal pride and fondness. The frost of a premature age
+      sheds its snows upon my temples, the ravages of a sickly
+      mind shake my tottering frame. The morning dawns, the
+      evening closes upon me, the seasons revolve, without hope;
+      the sun shines, the spring returns, but, to me, it is
+      mockery.
+
+      And is this all of human life--this, that passes like a tale
+      that is told? Alas! it is a tragical tale! Friendship was
+      the star, whose cheering influence I courted to beam upon my
+      benighted course. The social affections were necessary to my
+      existence, but they have been only inlets to sorrow--_yet,
+      still, I bind them to my heart_!
+
+      Hitherto there seems to have been something strangely wrong
+      in the constitutions of society--a lurking poison that
+      spreads its contagion far and wide--a canker at the root
+      of private virtue and private happiness--a principle of
+      deception, that sanctifies error--a Circean cup that lulls
+      into a fatal intoxication. But men begin to think and
+      reason; reformation dawns, though the advance is tardy.
+      Moral martyrdom may possibly be the fate of those who
+      press forward, yet, their generous efforts will not be
+      lost.--Posterity will plant the olive and the laurel, and
+      consecrate their mingled branches to the memory of such,
+      who, daring to trace, to their springs, errors the most
+      hoary, and prejudices the most venerated, emancipate the
+      human mind from the trammels of superstition, and teach it,
+      _that its true dignity and virtue, consist in being free_.
+
+      Ere I sink into the grave, let me behold the _son of my
+      affections_, the living image of him, whose destiny involved
+      mine, who gave an early, but a mortal blow, to all my
+      worldly expectations--let me behold my Augustus, escaped
+      from the tyranny of the passions, restored to reason, to
+      the vigor of his mind, to self controul, to the dignity of
+      active, intrepid virtue!
+
+      The dawn of my life glowed with the promise of a fair and
+      bright day; before its noon, thick clouds gathered; its
+      mid-day was gloomy and tempestuous.--It remains with thee,
+      my friend, to gild with a mild radiance the closing evening;
+      before the scene shuts, and veils the prospect in
+      impenetrable darkness.
+
+
+
+
+TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE
+
+
+Punctuation, hyphenation and period spellings have been retained even
+where not consistent. The latter includes the name Anne, which also
+occurs without the final e.
+
+The changes listed below have been made to the text (corrected version
+follows original):
+
+
+     but in this investigatation we must be patient
+     but in this investigation we must be patient
+
+     Arisides the just,
+     Aristides the just
+
+     knowledge and learning, are unsufferably masculine in a women
+     knowledge and learning, are unsufferably masculine in a woman
+
+     Why do we suffer ourselve to be confined
+     Why do we suffer ourselves to be confined
+
+     gratified by his covnersation
+     gratified by his conversation
+
+     at his repeated requst
+     at his repeated request
+
+     the degrading and melancholy intelligence, with fills my soul
+     the degrading and melancholy intelligence, which fills my soul
+
+     the acitivity of a curious and vigorous mind
+     the activity of a curious and vigorous mind
+
+     a temporary reflief
+     a temporary relief
+
+     Would she, inded, accept of my society,
+     Would she, indeed, accept of my society,
+
+     qutting it early in the morning
+     quitting it early in the morning
+
+     any suddent agitation of spirits
+     any sudden agitation of spirits
+
+     the distinction yo have shewn me
+     the distinction you have shewn me
+
+     so sincere, so artless, as mind
+     so sincere, so artless, as mine
+
+     such an attempt would be impertiment;
+     such an attempt would be impertinent;
+
+     their heads were never led astray by thir hearts.
+     their heads were never led astray by their hearts.
+
+     though peace and enjoymment should be for ever fled
+     though peace and enjoyment should be for ever fled
+
+     attended wtih advantages
+     attended with advantages
+
+     Persevervance, with little ability, has effected wonders;
+     Perseverance, with little ability, has effected wonders;
+
+     wtih the various branches of science
+     with the various branches of science
+
+     you have been very will
+     you have been very ill
+
+     the fruits of our dear-bought exerience
+     the fruits of our dear-bought experience
+
+     I would willing have seen you
+     I would willingly have seen you
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Memoirs of Emma Courtney, by Mary Hays
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41256 ***