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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41057 ***
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 41057-h.htm or 41057-h.zip:
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/41057/41057-h/41057-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/41057/41057-h.zip)
+
+
+      Images of the original pages are available through
+      Internet Archive. See
+      http://archive.org/details/ourpeople00keen
+
+
+Transcriber's note:
+
+      Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_).
+
+      Text enclosed by equal signs is in bold face (=bold=).
+
+      The oe ligature is shown as [oe].
+
+
+
+
+
+OUR PEOPLE
+
+Sketched by
+
+CHARLES KEENE.
+
+from the Collection of "Mr. Punch."
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+Boston,
+James R. Osgood & Co.
+1881.
+
+
+
+"Our People."
+Sketches from 'Punch' by
+'C. K.'
+
+Illustration
+
+
+  OUR PEOPLE. AT HOME.
+
+  OUR PEOPLE. STREET-LIFE.
+
+  OUR PEOPLE. IN THE COUNTRY.
+
+  OUR PEOPLE. TRAVELLING.
+
+  OUR PEOPLE. PROFESSIONAL.
+
+  OUR PEOPLE. OFFICIAL.
+
+  OUR PEOPLE. IN THE ARMY.
+
+  OUR PEOPLE. ART AND ARTISTS.
+
+  OUR PEOPLE. VOLUNTEERS.
+
+  OUR PEOPLE. AT BUSINESS.
+
+  OUR PEOPLE. DOMESTICS.
+
+  OUR PEOPLE. WORKING FOLK.
+
+  OUR PEOPLE. IN IRELAND.
+
+  OUR PEOPLE. IN SCOTLAND.
+
+  &c., &c.
+
+
+
+
+Illustration: Toots! theres no a Jok' i' th' 'hale beuk!
+
+
+                      COMPANION to "OUR PEOPLE,"
+
+                       ENGLISH SOCIETY AT HOME,
+
+                         Society Pictures By
+
+                          GEORGE DU MAURIER.
+
+                 JAMES R. OSGOOD & Co., PUBLISHERS.
+
+
+
+
+Illustration: Mens Conscia.
+
+=Inspector= (_who notices a backwardness in History_). "WHO SIGNED MAGNA
+CHARTA?" (_No answer._)
+
+=Inspector= (_more urgently_). "WHO SIGNED MAGNA CHARTA?" (_No answer._)
+
+=Inspector= (_angrily_). "WHO SIGNED MAGNA CHARTA!!?"
+
+=Scapegrace= (_Thinking matters are beginning to look serious_). "PLEASE,
+SIR, 'TWASN'T ME, SIR!!"
+
+Illustration: _Dignity._
+
+=Club "Buttons."= "I'M AT THE 'JUNIOR PENINSULAR' NOW."
+
+=Friend.= "WHAT! DID YOU 'GET THE SACK' FROM 'THE REYNOLDS'?"
+
+=Buttons= (_indignant_). "GO ALONG WITH YER! 'GET THE SACK!' I SENT IN MY
+RESI'NATION TO THE C'MMITTEE!"
+
+Illustration: _Family Pride._
+
+=First Boy.= "MY FATHER'S A ORFICER." =Second Boy.= "WHAT ORFICER?" =First
+Boy.= "WHY, A CORPORAL!" =Third Boy= (_evidently "comic"_). "SO'S MY
+FATHER--HE'S A ORFICER, TOO--A GENERAL, HE IS!" =Fourth Boy.= "GO ALONG
+WITH YER!" =Third Boy.= "SO HE IS--HE'S A _GENERAL DEALER_!!"
+
+Illustration: _Bad Customer._
+
+=Landlady.= "WHAT GENTLEMAN'S LUGGAGE IS THIS, SAM?"
+
+=Ancient Waiter.= "GE'TLEMAN'S LUGGAGE, 'M! 'OR' BLESHYER, NO, MUM! THAT'S
+_ARTIS'S TRAPS_, THAT IS. THEY'LL 'AVE TEA HERE TO-NIGHT, TAKE A LITTLE
+LODGIN' TO-MORROW, AND THERE THEY'LL BE A LOAFIN ABOUT THE PLACE FOR
+MONTHS, DOIN' NO GOOD TO NOBODY!"
+
+Illustration: "_March of Refinement._"
+
+=Brown= (_behind the Age, but hungry_). "GIVE ME THE BILL OF FARE,
+WAITER."
+
+=Head Waiter.= "BEG PARDON, SIR?"
+
+=Brown.= "THE BILL OF FARE."
+
+=Head Waiter.= "THE WHAT, SIR? O!--AH!--YES!"--(_to
+Subordinate_)--"CHAWLES, BRING THIS--THIS--A--GEN'LEMAN--THE _MENOO_!!"
+
+Illustration: _Refrigerated Tourists._
+
+=Provincial Waiter.= "ICE! GENTLEMEN! THERE AIN'T NO ICE IN AUTUMN TIME.
+BUT IT'S EASY TO SEE YOU ARE GENTS FROM LONDON, AS DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT
+NATURE, AND I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR IT, IN COURSE. BUT, ICE IN AUGUST!"
+_Exit, sniggering._
+
+Illustration: Intelligent Pet.
+
+"MA, DEAR, WHAT DO THEY PLAY THE ORGAN SO LOUD FOR, WHEN 'CHURCH' IS
+OVER? IS IT TO WAKE US UP?"
+
+Illustration: "Durance."
+
+=Little Daughter.= "WON'T THEY LET US OUT WITHOUT PAYING, MA'?"
+
+Illustration: _The Mystery Solved._
+
+=Effie= (_our Parson's little daughter: her first experience of "Church."
+Aloud--with intense surprise_). "PA AND ALL THE DEAR LITTLE BOYS, IN
+THEIR NIGHTGOWNS, GOING TO BYE-BYE!!"
+
+Illustration: _A Pledged M. P._
+
+=M. P.'s Bride= "OH! WILLIAM, DEAR--IF YOU ARE--A LIBERAL--DO BRING IN A
+BILL--NEXT SESSION--FOR THAT UNDERGROUND TUNNEL!!"
+
+Illustration: "_Perils of the Deep._"
+
+=Unprotected Female= (_awaking old Gent., who is not very well_). "O,
+MISTER, WOULD YOU FIND THE CAPTAIN? I'M SURE WE'RE IN DANGER! I'VE BEEN
+WATCHING THE MAN AT THE WHEEL; HE KEEPS TURNING IT ROUND FIRST ONE WAY
+AND THEN THE OTHER, AND EVIDENTLY DOESN'T KNOW HIS OWN MIND!!"
+
+Illustration: "_The Pink of Fashion._"
+
+"OUR FLOWER SHOW WAS A DECIDED SUCCESS THIS YEAR, AND LITTLE FIDKINS IN
+AN EMBROIDERED FLORAL WAISTCOAT WAS KILLING!"
+
+Illustration: _The Bird Show._
+
+=That Charming Gal= _with the blue feather_ (_to Prize Canary_). "SWEETY,
+DEAR!"
+
+=Comic Man= (_"Dolcissimo con Brio," from the other side of the
+pedestal_). "YES, DUCKY!"
+
+_Utterly ruining the hopes, and taking the wind out o' the sails of his
+tall friend (serious man), who had been spoonying about her all the
+afternoon, and thought he had made an impression!_
+
+Illustration: "_Trying._"
+
+=Happy Swain= (_she has "named the day"_). "AND NOW, DEAREST EDITH, THAT
+IS ALL SETTLED. WITH REGARD TO JEWELLERY, MY LOVE; WOULD YOU LIKE A SET
+IN PLAIN GOLD, OR----"
+
+=Edith= (_economical and courageous, and who suffers a good
+deal from toothache_). "OH, AUGUSTUS, NOW YOU ASK ME--DO YOU
+KNOW--I--REALLY--BUT--MR. CLINCH TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT HE COULD EXTRACT
+ALL I HAVE, AND PUT IN A BEAUTIFUL NEW SET FOR ONLY FIFTEEN GUINEAS!!"
+
+Illustration: Common Prudence.
+
+=Snob.= "OH, LET'S GET OUT O' THIS MOB, 'ARRY! THEY'LL THINK WE'RE A GOIN'
+TO _CHURCH_!"
+
+Illustration: The Triumphs of Temper.
+
+=Fare= (_out of patience at the fourth "jib" in a Mile_). "HI, THIS WON'T
+DO! I SHALL GET OUT!"
+
+=Cabby= (_through the trap, in a whisper_). "AH THIN, SOR, NIVER MIND HER!
+SIT STILL! DON'T GIVE HER THE SATISFACTION AV KNOWIN' SHE'S GOT RID AV
+YE!!"
+
+Illustration: "For Better for Worse."
+
+_Our friend Bagnidge (hasn't a rap) has just married the widow (rich) of
+old Harlesden the stockbroker._
+
+=Mrs. B.= (_Retiring_). "SHALL I SEND MY POPPET HIS SLIPPERS?"
+
+=Mr. B.= "N-N-N-N-O--NOT AT PRESENT, THANKS!" (_Sotto voce to his guest
+when the door was closed._) "NOT SO FOND OF HAVING THE MUZZLES ON MY
+FEET AT EIGHT O'CLOCK IN THE EVENING, YOU KNOW, BARNEY!!"
+
+Illustration: A Half Truth.
+
+=Guard= (_of the Fatuous Railway Company, that still forbids tobacco_).
+"STRONG SMELL OF SMOKE, SIR!"
+
+=Passenger= (_his cigar covered by his newspaper_). "YA-AS; THE PARTY WHO
+HAS JUST GOT OUT HAS BEEN SMOKING FURIOUSLY!!"
+
+Illustration: Poor Humanity!
+
+=Bride.= "I THINK--GEORGE, DEAR--I SHOULD--BE BETTER--IF WE WALKED
+ABOUT----"
+
+=Husband= (_one wouldn't have believed it of him_). "YOU CAN DO AS YOU
+LIKE, LOVE. I'M VERY WELL(!) AS I AM!!"
+
+Illustration: _Family Ties._
+
+(_Respec'fully dedicated to Mr. Punch's excellent friends at the
+Egyptian Hall--M. and C._)
+
+=Aunt.= "GRACIOUS GOODNESS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CUPBOARD, YOU NAUGHTY
+BOYS?"
+
+=Jacky.= "OH, AUNT, WE'RE PLAYING 'MASCULINE AND COOK'! I TIE HIM TO THE
+CHAIR, AND WHEN THE DOOR'S OPENED HIS HANDS ARE FREE. THEN HE DOES
+ME!!"
+
+Illustration: "_Prevention Better than Cure._"
+
+=Jeames= (_excitedly_). "HERE--HERE--HERE'S THE SHILLIN'!
+QUICK--QUICK--OFF WITH YOU!"
+
+=German Impostor= (_affecting concern_). "DERE IS SOME VUN ILL?"
+
+=Jeames.= "WELL, NOT JUST YET! BUT THERE PRECIOUS SOON WILL BE, IF YOU
+DON'T KNOCK OFF!"
+
+Illustration: The Roll-Call.
+
+=Sergeant.= "ALISTER MCALISTER!"
+
+=Answer.= "HAMISHO!"
+
+=Sergeant.= "DONAL' MCBEAN!"
+
+=Answer.= "HAMISHO!"
+
+=Sergeant.= "PETER MCKAY!"
+
+ANSWER. "HAMISHO!"
+
+=Sergeant.= "JOHN SMITH!"
+
+=Answer.= "HERE, SIR!"
+
+=Sergeant= (_with a Sniff_). "UGH! 'ENGLISH POCK-PUDDING'"!!
+
+Illustration: _Gentility in Greens._
+
+(_Mrs. Brown finds Sandymouth a very different place from what she
+remembers it years ago!_)
+
+=Greengrocer.= "CABBAGE, MUM!? WE DON'T KEEP NO SECOND-CLASS VEGETABLES,
+MUM. YOU'LL GET IT AT THE LOWER END O' THE TOWN!"
+
+Illustration: _Plain to Demonstration._
+
+=Customer= (_nervously_). "AH! THEY MUST BE VERY IRKSOME AT FIRST."
+
+=Dentist= (_exultantly_). "NOT A BIT OF IT, SIR! LOOK HERE, SIR!"
+(_Dexterously catching his entire set._) "HERE'S MY UPPERS, AND HERE'S
+MY UNDERS!"
+
+Illustration: Unprejudiced!
+
+=Swell= (_at the R. A. Exhibition_). "Haw! 've you any Idea--w what
+Fellaw's Pictu-ars we're to Admi-are this Ye-ar!!!?"
+
+Illustration: A Kind Son.
+
+=Paterfamilias= (_to his Eldest Son, who is at Bartholomew's_). "GEORGE,
+THESE ARE UNCOMMONLY GOOD CIGARS! I CAN'T AFFORD TO SMOKE SUCH EXPENSIVE
+CIGARS AS THESE."
+
+=George= (_grandly_). "FILL YOUR CASE--FILL YOUR CASE, GOV'NER!!"
+
+Illustration: Crass Ignorance.
+
+=First Swell.= "LET'S SEE--TO-MORROW'S----WHAT'S T'DAY, BYTH'BY?"
+
+=Second Swell.= "TUESDAY, ISN'T IT?--OR MONDAY?--WAS YEST'DAY SUNDAY? NE'
+MIND--(_yawns_)--MY MAN'LL BE HERE PWESENTLY--PWECIOUS SHWEWD
+FELLOW--'TELL US LIKE A SHOT!!"
+
+Illustration: A Change in the Weather.
+
+=Paterfamilias= (_with a sigh: his family have been to Boulogne for the
+holidays_). "IT'S ALL UP!"
+
+=Bachelor Friend= (_who has enjoyed these little Dinners_). "WHAT'S THE
+MATTER?"
+
+=Paterfamilias.= "TELEGRAM! SHE SAYS THEY'VE ARRIVED SAFE AT FOLKESTONE,
+AND WILL BE HOME ABOUT 10·30!"
+
+Illustration: "Res Angustæ Domi."
+
+=Family Man.= "WHERE DO YOU GO THIS YEAR, JINNINGS?"
+
+=Bachelor= (_in a sketchy manner_). "OH--BADEN FOR A FEW WEEKS, AND THE
+WHINE, BELGIUM--P'WAPS GET AS FAR'S VIENNAH! WHERE 'YOU OFF TO?"
+
+=Family Man.= "OH, I SUPPOSE I SHALL TAKE THE OLD WOMAN DOWN TO
+WORTHING--AS USUAL!"
+
+_And he says this in anything but a sprightly manner--which was weak
+and injudicious._
+
+Illustration: _Irish Ingenuity._
+
+=Saxon Tourist.= "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU LOWERING THE SHAFTS FOR?" (_He has
+just found out that this manoeuvre is gone through at every ascent._)
+
+=Car-Driver.= "SHURE, YER 'ONNER, WE'LL MAKE 'M B'LAVE HE'S GOIN' DOWN
+HILL!"
+
+Illustration: _Scrupulous._
+
+=Shepherd.= "O, JIMS, MUN! CAN YE NO GIE A WHUSTLE ON THA RAM'LIN' BRUTE
+O' MINE? I DAURNA MYSEL'; IT'S JUST FAST-DAY IN OOR PARISH!!"
+
+Illustration: A Game Two can Play at.
+
+=Guard= (_to Excited Passenger at the Edinburgh Station, just as the Train
+is Starting_). "YE'RE TOO LATE, SIR. YE CANNA ENTER."
+
+=Stalwart Aberdonian.= "A' MAUN!"
+
+=Guard= (_holding him back_). "YE CANNA!"
+
+=Aberdonian.= "TELL YE A' MAUN--A' WEEL!" (_Gripping Guard._) "IF A'
+MAUNNA, YE SANNA!!!"
+
+Illustration: Decimals on Deck.
+
+=Irish Mate.= "HOW MANNY IV YE DOWN THER-RE?!"
+
+=Voice from the Hold.= "THREE, SOR!"
+
+=Mate.= "THIN HALF IV YE COME UP HERE IMMADIATELY!!"
+
+Illustration: More "Revenge for the Union."
+
+=Saxon Tourist= (_at Irish Railway Station_). "WHAT TIME DOES THE
+HALF-PAST ELEVEN TRAIN START, PADDY?"
+
+=Porter.= "AT THRUTTY MINUTES TO TWILVE--SHARRUP, SOR!"
+
+_Tourist retires up, discomfited._
+
+Illustration: _The Ulster._
+
+=Schoolboy= (_to Brown, in his new great-coat_). "YAH! COME OUT OF IT!
+D'YOU THINK I DON'T SEE YER!!"
+
+Illustration: "_Silence is Golden._"
+
+=Chatty Old Gent.= "HAVE YOU LONG HOURS, HE-AR, PORTAR?"
+
+=Railway Porter= (_whose Temper has been spoilt_). "SAME AS ANYWHERES
+ELSE, I S'POSE--SIXTY MINUTES!"----(_Bell rings, Railway Porter touches
+up Old Gent's favourite corn, and rushes off!_)
+
+=Old Gent.= "PH--O--O--O--O--!"
+
+Illustration: _Barometrical._
+
+=Draper.= "LIGHT SUMMER DRESS? YES, M'M. SOLD A GREAT MANY THE LAST FEW
+DAYS, M'M, THE WEATHER HAVIN' RISEN FROM A FRENCH MERINO TO A
+GRENADINE!"
+
+Illustration: _A Family Man._
+
+=Cabby.= "VY, I'M A FATHER OF A FAM'LY MYSELF, MUM,--NOT SO 'ANDSOME AS
+YOUR LITTLE DEARS, MUM, I DON'T SAY,--AN' D'YOU THINK I'D GO FOR TO
+OVERCHARGE FOR 'EM? NOT I, MUM! NOT A SIXPENCE, BLESS THEIR LITTLE
+'EARTS!" &c., &c.
+
+_Claim allowed._
+
+Illustration: _Unconscionable._
+
+=Head of the Firm.= "WANT A HOLIDAY!? WHY, YOU'VE JUST BEEN AT HOME ILL
+FOR A MONTH!"
+
+Illustration: _A Narcotic._
+
+=Doctor.= "LOOK HERE, MRS. MCCAWDLE. DON'T GIVE HIM ANY MORE PHYSIC. A
+SOUND SLEEP WILL DO HIM MORE GOOD THAN ANYTHING."
+
+=Gudewife.= "E-H, DOCTHOR, IF WE COULD ONLY GET HIM TAE THE KIRK!!"
+
+Illustration: The Connoisseur.
+
+=Host= (_smacking his lips_). "THERE, MY BOY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? I
+THOUGHT I'D GIVE YOU A TREAT. THAT'S '34 PORT, SIR!"
+
+=Guest.= "AH! AND A VERY NICE, SOUND WINE, I SHOULD SAY! I BELIEVE IT'S
+QUITE AS GOOD AS SOME I GAVE 37S. FOR THE OTHER DAY."
+
+Illustration: Awful Warning!
+
+=Guest= (_at City Company Dinner._) "I'M UNCOMMONLY HUNGRY!"
+
+=Ancient Liveryman= (_with feeling_). "TAKE CARE, MY DEAR SIR, FOR
+GOODNESS' SAKE, TAKE CARE! D'YOU KNOW IT HAPPENED TO ME AT THE LAST LORD
+MAYOR'S DINNER TO BURN MY TONGUE WITH MY FIRST SPOONFUL OF CLEAR TURTLE;
+'CONSEQUENCE WAS--(_sighs_)--'COULDN'T TASTE AT ALL--ANYTHING--FOR THE
+REST OF THE EVENING!!"
+
+Illustration: _The Sausage Machine._
+
+=Cook= (_in a fluster_). "O 'F Y' PLEASE, 'M, NO WONDER THE FLAVIOUR O'
+THEM SASSENGERS WASN'T TO-RIGHTS, 'M, WHICH I'VE JEST NOW KETCHED MASTER
+ALFRED A CUTTIN' HIS 'CAVENDISH' IN THE MACHINE!"
+
+Illustration: Just in Time.
+
+=Veteran Piscator.= "HECH! BUT YON'S A MUCKLE FESH LOUPIN' AHINT
+ME!"----(_It was lucky he looked round!--his Friend from London had
+preferred Sketching on the Banks, had stumbled over a Boulder, and "Gone
+a Header" into a deep hole. He was gaffed at his last kick!_)
+
+Illustration: _Words and Weights._
+
+=Angler.= "DEUCED ODD, DONALD, I CAN'T GET A FISH OVER SEVEN POUNDS, WHEN
+THEY SAY MAJOR GRANT ABOVE US KILLED HALF A DOZEN LAST WEEK THAT TURNED
+TWENTY POUNDS APIECE!"
+
+=Donald.= "AWEEL, SIR, IT'S NO THAT MUCKLE ODDS I'TH' SAWMON,--BUT THAE
+FOWK UP THE WATTER IS BIGGER LEEARS THAN WE ARE DOON HERE!"
+
+Illustration: "_Mal Apropos._"
+
+=Rector's Wife.= "WELL, VENABLES, HOW DO YOU THINK WE SOLD THE JERSEY
+COW?"
+
+=Venables.= (_Factotum and Gardener_) "WELL, M'M, MASTER BYLES HAS GOT THE
+BETTER O' WE A MANY TIMES, BUT--(_proudly_)--I THINK AS WE A' DONE HE
+TO-RIGHTS THIS TURN!!" "_So awkward! and before the Archdeacon, too!_"
+
+Illustration: "_A Slip o' the Tongue._"
+
+=Yachting Biped.= "THEN YOU'LL LOOK US UP AT PRIMROSE 'ILL?"
+
+=New Acquaintance= (_gentlemanly man_). "OH, YES--NEAR THE 'ZOO,' ISN'T
+IT? WE OFTEN DROP IN AND HAVE A LOOK AT THE MONKEYS!"
+
+Illustration: _Confession in Confusion._
+
+=Priest.= "NOW, TELL ME, DOOLAN, TRUTHFULLY, HOW OFTEN DO YOU GO TO
+CHAPEL?"
+
+=Pat.= "WILL, NOW, SHURE OI'LL TILL YER RIV'RENCE THE TRUT'. FAIX, I GO AS
+OFTEN I CAN AVOID!"
+
+Illustration: _The New Running Drill._
+
+(_A respectful appeal to His Royal Highness the Commander-in-Chief._)
+
+CAPTAIN BLUARD, AS HE APPEARED IN COMMAND OF HIS COMPANY.
+
+Illustration: _Our Military Manoeuvres._
+
+=Irish Drill-Sergeant= (_to Squad of Militiamen_). "PR'S'NT
+'RRMS!"--(_Astonishing result._)--"HIV'NS! WHAT A 'PRISINT'! JIST STIP
+OUT HERE NOW, AN' LOOK AT YERSILVES!!"
+
+Illustration: The Race not yet Extinct.
+
+=Country Excursionist= (_just landed at G. W. Terminus_). "COULD YOU
+INFORM ME WHAT THESE 'ERE BUSSES CHARGE FROM PADDINGTON TO THE BANK?"
+
+=Dundreary= (_with an effort_). "AU-H, PO' M'SOUL, HAVEN'T AN IDEA-H!
+NEVER WODE 'N ONE IN M'LIFE! SHOULD SAY A MERE TWIFLE! P'WAPS A
+SHILLING, OR TWO SHILLINGS. 'DON'T THINK THE WASCALS COULD HAVE THE
+CONSCIENCE TO CHARGE YOU MORE THAN THWEE SHILLINGS! 'WOULDN'T PAY MORE
+THAN FOUR! I'D SEE 'EM AT THE D-D-DOO-OOCE!"
+
+Illustration: _A Dilemma._
+
+=Party= (_overcome by the heat of the Weather_). "HOY! CAB!"
+
+=Driver.= "ALL RIGHT, SIR, IF YOU'LL JUST WALK TO THE GATE."
+
+=Party.= "O, BOTHER! WALKING TO 'GATE!"
+
+=Driver.= "WELL, SIR, IF YOU CAN'T GET THROUGH, I DON'T SEE HOW I CAN GET
+OVER!"
+
+Illustration: Adjustment.
+
+=Bootmaker= (_who has a deal of trouble with this Customer_). "I THINK,
+SIR, IF YOU WERE TO CUT YOUR CORNS, I COULD MORE EASILY FIND YOU A
+PAIR----"
+
+=Choleric Old Gentleman=. "CUT MY CORNS, SIR!--I ASK YOU TO FIT ME A PAIR
+O' BOOTS TO MY FEET, SIR!--I'M NOT GOING TO PLANE MY FEET DOWN TO FIT
+YOUR BOOTS!!!"
+
+Illustration: A Mine of Speculation.
+
+=Dealer= (_to Wavering Customer_). "WELL, OF COURSE WE ALL KNOW THAT--HE'S
+GOT 'IS BAD POINTS AN' 'IS GOOD POINTS; BUT WHAT I SAY IS, THERE'S NO
+DECEPTION ABOUT 'IS BAD POINTS--WE CAN SEE 'EM. BUT WE CAN'T NONE OF US
+TELL 'OW MANY GOOD POINTS HE MAY 'AVE TILL WE COMES TO KNOW 'IM!!" _The
+"Party" took time to consider._
+
+Illustration: "Argumentum ad Hominem!"
+
+=Dealer.= "I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE HIS 'EAD, AND I ALLOW HE AIN'T GOT A
+PURTY 'EAD; BUT LOR'--NOW LOOK AT GLADSTONE, THE CLEVEREST MAN IN ALL
+ENGLAND!--AND LOOK AT 'IS 'EAD"!!!
+
+Illustration: Veneration.
+
+=Lodger.= "I SHALL NOT DINE AT HOME TO-DAY, MA'AM, BUT I'VE A FRIEND
+COMING THIS EVENING. IF YOU COULD GIVE US SOMETHING NICE FOR SUPPER----"
+
+=Landlady= (_Low Church_). "WOULD YOU LIKE THE REMAINDER OF THE COLD
+TURKEY--AH ('_feels a delicacy_')--HEM! _BEELZE-BUBBED_, SIR?"
+
+Illustration: A Soft Answer.
+
+=Irascible Old Gent.= "WAITER! THIS PLATE IS QUITE COLD!"
+
+=Waiter.= "YESSIR, BUT THE CHOP IS 'OT, SIR, WHICH I THINK YOU'LL FIND
+IT'LL WARM UP THE PLATE NICELY, SIR!"
+
+Illustration: Seasonable Luxury.
+
+=Old Gent= (_disgusted_). "HECK, WAITER! HERE'S A--HERE'S
+A--A--CATERPILLAR IN THIS CHOP!"
+
+=Waiter= (_flippantly_). "YESSIR. ABOUT THE TIME O' YEAR FOR 'EM JUST NOW,
+SIR!"
+
+Illustration: Education!
+
+=Papa= (_improving the occasion at Luncheon_). "NOW, LOOK, HARRY, THE
+CIRCUMFERENCE OF THIS CAKE IS EQUAL TO ABOUT THREE TIMES THE DIAMETER,
+AND----"
+
+=Harry.= "OH, THEN, PA', LET ME HAVE THE C'CUMF'RENCE FOR MY SHARE!!"
+
+Illustration: Cricket!
+
+=Uncle.= "WELL, TOM, AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE IN CRICKET THIS HALF?"
+
+=Tom.= "OH, BLESS YOU, UNCLE, WE'VE BEEN 'NOWHERE,' THIS SEASON; ALL OUR
+BEST 'MEN,' YOU KNOW, WERE DOWN WITH THE _MEASLES_!"
+
+Illustration: Treacherous Confederate.
+
+=Uncle George= (_who has been amusing the Young People with some clever
+Conjuring_). "NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU SAW ME BURN THE
+HANDKERCHIEF.--WOULD YOU BE SURPRISED TO FIND--(_Roars of Laughter_)--I
+SHALL PRODUCE THE ORANGE OUR YOUNG FRIEND HERE WAS SO OBLIGING AS TO
+OFFER TO TAKE CARE OF, AND INSIDE WHICH, I'VE NO DOUBT, WE SHALL FIND
+THE SHILLING?!"
+
+Illustration: Breaking the Ice.
+
+=Sprightly Lady.= "MR. DORMERS, WOULD YOU OBLIGE ME WITH----"
+
+=Bashful Curate= (_who had scarcely spoken to his Fair Neighbour_). "O,
+CERTAINLY. WHAT SHALL I HAVE THE PLEASURE TO OFFER?----"
+
+=Lady.= "----A REMARK!!"
+
+Illustration: The First Sermon.
+
+=Aunt.= "WELL, DAISY, HOW DID YOU LIKE 'CHURCH' YESTERDAY?"
+
+=Daisy.= "O, AUNTY, THEY WERE ALL SO QUIET AND LOOKED SO CROSS, I THOUGHT
+I MUST 'A' SCREAMED!!"
+
+Illustration: "Sweet is Revenge, Especially to Women!"
+
+CAPTAIN OGLEBY, WHO ANNOYS THE MISS LANKYSTERS SO MUCH ON THE PROMENADE
+BY HIS OBTRUSIVE ADMIRATION, IS DISCOVERED EARLY ONE MORNING, BY HIS
+EXULTANT VICTIMS, IN THE ACT OF HAVING AN "EASY SHAVE" IN THE SOMEWHAT
+LIMITED PREMISES OF THE VILLAGE FIGARO.
+
+Illustration: Desperate Case!
+
+=M. A.= (_endeavouring to instil Euclid into the mind of Private Pupil
+going into the Army_). "NOW, IF THE THREE SIDES OF THIS TRIANGLE ARE ALL
+EQUAL, WHAT WILL HAPPEN?"
+
+=Pupil= (_confidently_). "WELL, SIR, I SHOULD SAY THE FOURTH WOULD BE
+EQUAL, TOO!!"
+
+Illustration: Exchange!
+
+=Togswell= (_in the Washing Room at the Office, proceeding to dress for
+the De Browney's Dinner-Party_). "HULLO! WHAT THE DOOCE"--(_Pulling out,
+in dismay, from black bag, a pair of blue flannel Tights, a pink striped
+Jersey, and a spiked canvas Shoe._)--"CONFOUND IT! YES!--I MUST HAVE
+TAKEN THAT FELLOW'S BAG WHO SAID HE WAS GOING TO THE ATHLETIC SPORTS
+THIS AFTERNOON, AND HE'S GOT MINE WITH MY DRESS CLOTHES!!"
+
+Illustration: _A Degenerate Son._
+
+=The Governor= (_indignantly_). "GEORGE, I'M SURPRISED AT YOU! I SHOULD
+HAVE THOUGHT YOU KNEW BETTER! IT'S DISGRACEFUL! IS IT FOR THIS I'VE PAID
+HUNDREDS OF POUNDS TO GIVE YOU AN UNIVERSITY EDUCATION, THAT YOU
+SHOULD----"
+
+=Son and Heir= (_with cigar_). "WHY--WHAT HAVE I DONE, GOVERNOR?"
+
+=The Governor.= "DONE? DARED TO SMOKE, SIR, WHILE YOU ARE _DRINKING MY '34
+PORT_!!"
+
+Illustration: _Lucid!_
+
+=Irish Sergeant= (_to Squad at Judging-Distance Drill_). "NOW, YE'LL PAY
+THE GREATEST OF ATTINTION TO THE MAN AT EIGHT HUNDRED YAR-RDS: BECASE,
+IF YE CAN'T SEE 'M, YE'LL BE DECEIVED IN HIS 'APPARANCE!!"
+
+Illustration: _The Riding Lesson._
+
+=Riding Master= (_to Sub, who is qualifying himself for the Punjaub
+Cavalry_). "IF YER 'EAD WAS ONLY TURNED THE OTHER WAY, WHAT A SPLENDID
+CHEST YOU'D 'AVE, MR. BOWDRIB!"
+
+Illustration: _Look before you Leap._
+
+=Middle-Aged Uncle.= "NOT PROPOSED TO HER YET! WHY, WHAT A
+SHILLY-SHALLYING FELLOW YOU ARE, GEORGE! YOU'LL HAVE THAT LITTLE WIDOW
+SNAPPED UP FROM UNDER YOUR NOSE, AS SURE AS YOU'RE BORN! PRETTY GAL LIKE
+THAT--NICE LITTLE PROPERTY--EVIDENTLY LIKES YOU--WITH AN ESTATE IN THE
+HIGHLANDS, TOO, AND YOU A SPORTING MAN----"
+
+=Nephew.= "AH! THAT'S WHERE IT IS, UNCLE! HER FISHING'S GOOD, I KNOW; BUT
+I'M NOT SO SURE ABOUT HER _GROUSE_!"
+
+Illustration: _No Mistake, this Time._
+
+=Lodger.= "DEAR ME, MRS. CRIBBLES, YOUR CAT'S BEEN AT THIS MUTTON AGAIN!"
+
+=Landlady.= "OH NO, MUM, IT CAN'T BE THE CAT. MY 'USBAND SAYS HE B'LIEVES
+IT'S THE COLLERLARDA BEETLE!"
+
+Illustration: _State o' Trade._
+
+=Small Girl.= "PLEASE, MRS. GREENSTOUGH, MOTHER SAYS WILL YOU GIVE HER A
+LETTUCE?"
+
+=Mrs. G.= "GIVE?! TELL THEE MOTHER GIV'UM'S DEAD, AND LENDUM'S VERY BAD.
+NOTHINK FOR NOTHINK 'ERE, AND PRECIOUS LITTLE FOR SIX-PENCE!!"
+
+Illustration: "Let Well Alone!"
+
+=Swell.= "AH--WHAT'S YOUR FARE TO HAMPSTEAD BY THE--AH--NEW LAW?!"
+
+=Cabby.= "OH, I DON'T KNOW NOTHIN' 'BOUT NO NEW LAWS, SIR!--SAME OLD FARE,
+SIR--'LEAVE IT TO YOU,' SIR!"
+
+Illustration: "_Le Jeu ne Vaut pas la Chandelle._"
+
+=Old Gent= (_having had to pay twice_). "BUT I'M POSITIVE I HANDED YOU THE
+MONEY! IT MAY PROBABLY HAVE DROPPED DOWN THE SLIT IN THE DOOR!"
+
+=Conductor.= "SLIT IN THE DOOR!--WELL, 'TAIN'T LIKELY I'M GOIN' TO TURN
+THE BUS UPSIDE-DOWN FOR SIXPENCE!"
+
+Illustration: "Tho' Lost to Sight----"
+
+=Aunt Jemima= (_from the country--her first experience of a "Hansom"_).
+"HOY! HOY! STOP THE HORSE! WHERE'S THE COACHMAN!"
+
+Illustration: Precise.
+
+=Driver= (_impatient_). "NOW, BILL, WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT?"
+
+=Conductor.= "GE'TLEMAN WANTS TO BE PUT DOWN AT NO. 20 A IN CLARINGDON
+SQUARE, FUST PORTICO ON THE RIGHT AFTER YOU PASS THE 'RED LION,' PRIVATE
+ENTRANCE ROUND THE CORNER!"
+
+=Driver.= "O, CERTAINLY! ASK THE GE'TLEMAN IF WE SHALL DRIVE UP-STAIRS,
+AN' SET 'IM DOWN AT 'IS BED-ROOM DOOR IN THE THREE-PAIR BACK?"
+
+Illustration: _An Extensive Order._
+
+"O, PLEASE, MISS, WILL YOU GIVE US TWO 'A'PENNIES FOR A PENNY, AND GI'
+ME A DRINK O' WATER, AN' TELL US THE RIGHT TIME? AN' FATHER WANTS A
+PIPE; AND LEND MOTHER YESTERDAY'S _'TIZER_."!!!
+
+Illustration: "_No such Luck._"
+
+=Young Lady.= "IS IT HUNGRY, THEN? COME ALONG, LITTLE DARLING, IT SHALL
+HAVE ITS DINNER."
+
+=Street-Sweeper= (_overhearing, and misapplying_). "HERE Y'ARE, MISS!
+RIGHT YOU ARE! I JEST AM!" _Ah! but it was Fido she was speaking to!_
+
+Illustration: "_'Tis Better not to Know._"
+
+=Impudent Boy= (_generally_). "TRY YER WEIGHT--ONLY A PENNY!" (_To Lady of
+commanding proportions in particular._) "TELL YER 'XACT WEIGHT TO A
+HOUNCE, MUM!"
+
+Illustration: _Vested Interests._
+
+=Sweeper.= "IF YOU DON'T GET OFF MY CROSSIN', I'LL 'EV YOUR NUMBER!"
+
+Illustration: "_Chaff._"
+
+=Apple-Stall Keeper= (_to the Boys_). "NOW, THEN, WHAT ARE YOU GAPING AT?
+WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
+
+=Street Boy.= "NOTHIN'."
+
+=Apple-Stall Keeper.= "THEN TAKE IT, AND BE OFF!"
+
+=Street Boy.= "VERY WELL: WRAP IT UP FOR US IN A PIECE O' PAPER!"
+
+_Bolts._
+
+Illustration: "_Is It Possible?!_"
+
+=Swell= (_lecturing Juvenile Member of Manufacturing Centre_). "YOU SHOULD
+ALWAYS--AH--TOUCH YOUR HAT TO A GENTLEMAN----"
+
+=Factory Lad.= "PLEASE, SIR, I DIDN'T KNOW AS YER WAS ONE!!"
+
+Illustration: A Panic in the Kitchen.
+
+=Facetious Page.= "NOW, THEN, HERE'S THE CENSUS, AND MASTER'S ORDERED ME
+TO FILL IT UP. I'VE PUT DOWN YOUR AGES WITHIN A YEAR OR SO, AND YOU'RE
+TO 'RETURN' YOUR FOLLERERS, IF ANY, HOW MANY, AND STATE 'P'LICE OR
+MILITARY,' FEES AND TIPS FROM TRADESMEN AND WISITORS 'PER ANN.,' PRICE
+O' KITCHEN-STUFF, AVERAGE O' BREAKAGES, &C., &C."
+
+Illustration: _Proof Positive._
+
+=Mistress.= "YOUR CHARACTER IS SATISFACTORY, BUT I'M VERY PARTICULAR ABOUT
+ONE THING: I WISH MY SERVANTS TO HAVE PLENTY, BUT I DON'T ALLOW ANY
+WASTE."
+
+=Page.= "OH, NO, 'M, WHICH I'D EAT AND DRINK TILL I BUSTED, 'M, RATHER
+THAN WASTE ANYTHINK, 'M!!"
+
+Illustration: "_Qualifications._"
+
+=Painter= (_who has always been ambitious of "writing himself down an
+R. A._"). "THINK THEY MIGHT HAVE ELECTED ME, HAVING EXHIBITED AND HAD MY
+NAME DOWN ALL THESE YEARS! I MIGHT HAVE----"
+
+=Friend= (_Man o' the World_). "MY DEAR FELLOW, I'VE ALWAYS TOLD YOU, YOU
+DON'T GO THE RIGHT WAY TO WORK. YOU SEE THEY COULD ONLY ELECT YOU FOR
+YOUR PAINTING, FOR----WHY DO YOU WEAR SUCH THICK BOOTS?!!"
+
+Illustration: _Temptation._
+
+=Painter.= "YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY YOU WANT ME TO SIGN IT, WHEN I TELL YOU
+I DID NOT PAINT IT? AND A BEASTLY COPY IT IS, TOO!"
+
+=Picture-Dealer.= "VY NOT, GOOT SIR? VY NOT? TUT! TUT! TUT! I ONLY VISH
+YOU ARTIS'S VOS MEN OF BIS'NESS!"
+
+Illustration: "_Spoiling It._"
+
+=Lord Dabbley.= "WA-AL, STREAKY, WHY I'VE HEARD--AH--YOU'RE NOT GOING
+TO--(_yawns_)--HAVE A PICT-YAR AT THE EXHIBITION!"
+
+=Streaky, R. A.= "HAW, VERY PROBABLY NOT, M'LORD. WELL, I THINK IT
+ONLY--AH--GRACEFUL, M'LORD, WE SHOULD OCCASIONALLY FOREGO OUR PRIVILEGED
+SPACE FOR THE SAKE OF OUR YOUNGER PAINTERS--AH! BESIDES--I QUESTION IF I
+SHALL BE ABLE TO FINISH MY PUBLIC PORTRAITS IN TIME THIS YE-AR!"
+
+Illustration: "_Particular!_"
+
+=Young Mumford= (_airily, having learnt that the Lady comes from his part
+of the country_). "DESSAY YOU KNOW THE CADGEBYS OF BILCHESTER?--AWFULLY
+JOLLY PEOPLE! I----"
+
+=Haughty Beauty.= "OH NO, WE ONLY VISIT THE COUNTY FAMILIES AND WE _WEED_
+THEM!!"
+
+_Her partner wishes this "First Set" was "The Lancers."_
+
+Illustration: _Vivifying Treatment of a Partner._
+
+(_A Tragedy of the last Harrogate Season._)
+
+=Young Lady= (_to Partner, instantly on their taking their Places_).
+"NOW----I'VE BEEN TO FOUNTAINS ABBEY, AND TO BOLTON, AND I'VE SEEN THE
+BRIMHAM ROCKS, AND THE DROPPING WELL, AND THE VIEW FROM THE OBSERVATORY,
+AND WE HAD A MORNING IN YORK MINSTER, AND WE HAVE BEEN HERE A FORTNIGHT,
+AND WE ARE GOING TO STAY ANOTHER, AND PAPA TAKES THE CHALYBEATE WATERS,
+AND I AM VERY GLAD THE CAVALRY ARE COMING. NOW YOU MAY BEGIN
+CONVERSATION."
+
+_Utter Collapse of Partner._
+
+Illustration: _Arbiter Elegantiarum._
+
+=Housemaid.= "OH, PLEASE, 'M, COULD I GO OUT THIS EVENING? 'CAUSE COOK
+NEX' DOOR'S GOT A 'LANG'AGE O' FLOWERS BEE,' AND SHE_'s_ REQUESTED ME TO
+BE ONE O' THE JUDGES!"
+
+Illustration: "_The Servants._"
+
+=Cook.= "THEN, SHALL YOU GO AS 'OUSEMAID?"
+
+=Young Person.= "NO, INDEED! IF I GO AT ALL, I GO AS LADY 'ELP!"
+
+Illustration: "_Hard Lines._"
+
+=Mistress= (_to former Cook_). "WELL, ELIZA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?"
+
+=Ex-Cook.= "WELL, MUM, AS YOU WOULDN'T GIVE ME NO CHARACTER, I'VE BEEN
+OBLIGED TO MARRY A SOLDIER!"
+
+Illustration: "_Not to Put too Fine a Point on It._"
+
+_Transatlantic Party._ "LOOK 'ERE, WAITER! CHANGE THIS KNIFE FOR A
+PEA-EATER. STRANGER AND ME AIR ON DIFFERENT PLATFORMS, AND I MIGHT HURT
+HIM."
+
+Illustration: "_Never Say 'Die'_"
+
+=Nephew.= "SURE IT ISN'T GOUT, UNCLE?"
+
+=Uncle.= "GOUT! SHTUFF AN' NONSHENSH! NOT A BIT OF IT! NO, FACT
+IS--PHEW--(_winces_) THESE CON-FOUNDED BOOTMAKERS--THEY MAKE YOUR BOOTS
+SO _TIGHT_!!"
+
+Illustration: _"Ingenuas Didicisse" &c._
+
+=Urbane Foreigner.= "THE--AH--CONTEMPLATION OF THESE--AH--RELICS OF
+ANCIENT ART IN THE GALLERIES OF EUROPE, MUST BE MOST INT'R'STING TO
+THE--AH--EDUCATED AMERICAN!"
+
+=American Tourist.= "WA'AL, DON'T SEEM TO CARE MUCH FOR THESE _STONE GALS_
+SOMEHOW, STRANGER!"
+
+Illustration: A Plutocrat.
+
+=Swell.= "'D YOU OBLIGE ME--AH--BY SHUTTING YOUR WINDOW?--AH----"
+
+=Second Passenger= (_politely_). "REALLY, SIR, IF YOU WILL NOT PRESS IT,
+AS YOURS IS SHUT, THE AIR IS SO WARM I WOULD RATHER KEEP THIS OPEN. YOU
+SEEM TO TAKE GREAT CARE OF YOURSELF, SIR----"
+
+=Swell.= "CARE OF MYSELF! SHOULD WATHER THINK SO. SO WOULD YOU, MY DEAR
+FEL-LAH, IF YOU'D SIX THOUSAND A YE-AR!!"
+
+Illustration: "Matter!"
+
+=Portly Old Swell= (_on reading Professor Tyndall's Speech_). "DEAR ME! IS
+IT POSS'BLE! MOST 'XTR'ORD'NARY!--(_throws down the Review_)--THAT I
+SHOULD HAVE BEEN ORIGINALLY A 'PRIMORDIAL ATOMIC GLOBULE'!!"
+
+Illustration: A Final Appeal.
+
+"NOW, GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, I THROW MYSELF UPON YOUR IMPARTIAL
+JUDGEMENT AS HUSBANDS AND FATHERS, AND I CONFIDENTLY ASK, DOES THE
+PRISONER LOOK LIKE A MAN WHO WOULD KNOCK DOWN AND TRAMPLE UPON THE WIFE
+OF HIS BOSOM? GENTLEMEN, I HAVE DONE!"
+
+Illustration: _Division of Labor._
+
+=Facetious Volunteer Sub.= "LOOK HERE, CAPTAIN; I'M TIRED OF THIS FUN. DO
+YOU MIND LOOKING AFTER THE MEN WHILE I GO AND GET TAKEN PRISONER?"
+
+Illustration: "_Off._"
+
+=Sergeant O'Leary.= "DOUBLE! LEFT! RIGHT! WHAT THE BLAZES, PAT ROONEY,
+D'YE MANE BY NOT DOUBLIN' WID THE SQUAD!?"
+
+=Pat.= "SHURE, SERGEANT, 'TWASN'T A FAIR START!"
+
+Illustration: _"Where Ignorance is Bliss" &c._
+
+=Frugal Housewife= (_has a large Family_). "OH, MR. STICKINGS, I SEE BY
+THE DAILY PAPERS THAT THE PRICE OF MEAT HAS FALLEN TWOPENCE A POUND. I
+THINK YOU OUGHT TO MAKE SOME REDUCTION IN YOUR CHARGES!"
+
+=Country Butcher.= "WERRY SORRY, MUM, BUT WE DON'T TAKE IN NO DAILY
+PAPERS, MUM!!"
+
+Illustration: _Complimentary._
+
+=Collier= (_about the Dog_). "YES, SIR, AW GOT HIM IN MANCHESTER, YONDER,
+AN' DOCTOR AW'S GOING T' AX YE, HEY Y' ONY OBJECTION TIN US NAMIN' HIM
+EFTHER YE?!"
+
+=Young Medical Man= (_rather pleased_). "OH, DEAR NO, BY ALL MEANS--'DON'T
+KNOW ABOUT THE COMPLIMENT, THOUGH, HE'S NOT A BEAUTY TO LOOK AT!"
+
+=Collier.= "MEBBEES NOT, DOCTOR; BUT--SMASH!--MUN, HE'S A BEGGAR TO
+KILL!!"
+
+Illustration: "(_Not_) _Thankful for Small Mercies_"
+
+=Cat's-Meat Man.= "WHAT 'A YER GOT FOR DINNER TO-DAY, JOE?"
+
+=Crossing-Sweeper.= "OH, A BIT O' ROAST WEAL, SENT ME UP FROM NO. 6 IN
+THE CRESCENT 'ERE--AN' YER WOULDN'T B'LLEVE IT!--NOT A MOSSEL O'
+STUFFIN--AH, AN' NOT SO MUCH AS A SLICE O' LEMON!--AND (_with a sneer_)
+CALLS THEIRSELVES RESPECT'BLE PEOPLE, I'VE NO DOUBT!!"
+
+Illustration: _Delicacy._
+
+=Edwin= (_as the Servant is present_). "AH--J'ETTAY SEE--AH--DISAPPOINTAY
+DE NE PAS VOO VWORE A LA RINK CE MATTANG--POORQWAW ESKER----?"
+
+=Angelina.= "AH WEE, MAIS MOMMONG----"
+
+=Parlour-Maid.= "HEM! BEG YOUR PARDON, MISS; BUT I UNDERSTAND THE
+LANGVIDGE!!"
+
+Illustration: "The Servants."
+
+=Mistress.= "JANE, TELL COOK I'LL COME DOWN AND SEE WHAT SHE WANTS DONE TO
+THAT STOVE, AS THE BUILDER'S COMING TO-MORROW."
+
+=Jane.= "O, PLEASE, 'UM, I DON'T THINK WE CAN AST YOU INTO THE KITCHING TO
+DAY, MUM, AS COOK AND ME'S GOT A SMALL AND EARLY 'AT OME' THIS
+AFTERNOON, MUM!"
+
+Illustration: Retributive Justice.
+
+=Farmer= (_giving the Culprit a Box o' the Ear_). "HOW DARE YOU BEAT THOSE
+GOSLINS, YOU YOUNG RASCAL? I SAW YOU!"
+
+=Boy.= "BOO, OO, OO, WHAT FURR'D THEY GORS-CHICKS FEYTHER BOITE OI THEN
+FURR?!"
+
+Illustration: "By the Card."
+
+=Pedestrian.= "HOW FAR IS IT TO SLUDGECOMBE, BOY?"
+
+=Boy.= "WHY 'BOUT TWENTY 'UNDERD THEAUSAN' MILD 'F Y' GOO 'S Y'ARE AGOOIN'
+NOW, AN' 'BOUT HALF A MILD 'F YOU TURN RIGHT REAOUND AN' GOO T' OTHER
+WAY!!"
+
+Illustration: _In Jeopardy._
+
+THE NEW BOY WAS ENJOINED TO BE VERY CAREFUL HOW HE CARRIED THE
+FIDDLE-CASE--"BY THE HANDLE, AND TO MIND NOT TO KNOCK IT AGAINST
+ANYTHING!" IMAGINE THE HORROR OF MR. PITSEY CARTER, HIS MASTER, WHO WAS
+FOLLOWING, TO COME UPON THE RASCAL, WITH THE INVALUABLE "JOSEPH" ON HIS
+HEAD, EXECUTING A PAS-SEUL OVER A SKIPPING-ROPE!!
+
+Illustration: Heresy.
+
+=Mamma.= "YOU KNOW WHO BUILT THE ARK, GEORGE?"
+
+=George= (_promptly_). "NOAH, 'MA."
+
+=Mamma.= "AND WHAT DID HE BUILD IT FOR?"
+
+=George= (_dubiously_). "FOR LITTLE BOYS TO PLAY WITH, 'MA?!"
+
+Illustration: "Oh, the Mistletoe Bough!"
+
+=Greengrocer, Jun.= (_to whom our Little Friend in Velvet had applied for
+a piece of Mistletoe for his own private diversion_). "I'VE GOT YER A
+BIT, MASTER GEORGE. IT AIN'T A VERY BIG PIECE, BUT THERE'S LOTS O'
+BERRIES ON IT; _AN' IT'S THE BERRIES AS DOES IT_"!!!
+
+Illustration: Culture for the Working Classes.
+
+=Philanthropic Employer= (_who has paid his Workpeople's expenses to a
+neighbouring Fine-Art Exhibition_). "WELL, JOHNSON, WHAT DID YOU THINK
+OF IT? 'PICK UP AN IDEA OR TWO?"
+
+=Foreman.= "WELL, YER SEE, SIR, IT WERE A THIS WAY. WHEN US GOT THERE, WE
+WAS A CONSIDERIN' WHAT WAS BEST TO BE DONE, SO WE APP'INTED A
+DEPPERTATION O' THREE ON US TO SEE WHAT IT WERE LIKE; AN' WHEN THEY COME
+OUT AN' SAID IT WERE ONLY PICTURS AN' SUCH, WE THOUGHT IT A PITY TO
+SPEND OUR SHILLINS ON 'EM. SO WE WENT TO THE TEA-GARDENS, AND WERY
+PLEASANT IT WERE, TOO. THANK YER KINDLY, SIR!"
+
+Illustration: A Casual Acquaintance.
+
+=West-End Man= (_addressing, as he supposes, Intelligent Mechanic_). "CAN
+YOU DIRECT ME TO THE MOORGATE STREET STATION?"
+
+=Seedy Party.= "MO'RGATE STREET STATION, SIR? STRAIGHT ON, SIR, FUST
+TURNIN' T' THE RIGHT, AND IT'S JUST OPPOSYTE. AND NOW, YOU'VE
+INTERDOOCED THE SUBJECT, SIR, IF YOU COULD ASSIST ME WITH A TRIFLE, SIR,
+WHICH I'VE 'AD NOTHIN' TO EAT SINCE LAST FRIDAY----"
+
+_West-End Man not having an answer ready, forks out, and exit._
+
+Illustration: "Circumlocutory!"
+
+=Polite Coster= (_seeing Smoke issuing from Brown's coat-pocket_). "YOU'LL
+EXCUSE ME ADDRESSIN' O' YOU, SIR,--COMMON MAN IN A MANNER O'
+SPEAKIN'--GEN'LEMAN LIKE YOU, SIR--BEGGIN' PARDON FOR TAKIN' THE
+LIBERTY, WHICH I SHOULD NEVER A' THOUGHT O' DOIN' UNDER ORDINARY
+SUCCUMSTANCES, SIR, ON'Y YOU DIDN'T SEEM TO BE AWARE ON IT, BUT IT
+STRUCK ME AS I SEE YOU A GOIN' ALONG, AS YOU WERE A-FIRE, SIR!"
+
+_By this time Brown's right coat-tail was entirely consumed. His fuzees
+had ignited by private arrangement among themselves._
+
+Illustration: _Alarming._
+
+=Buttons= (_as he burst into his Master's room on the night of Wednesday,
+the 7th: he had just seen that wonderful shooting star_). "OH, PLEASE,
+SIR, THEM METEORS IS A GOIN' OFF AG'IN!!"
+
+=Scientific Old Gent= (_startled out of his first sleep, and
+misunderstanding the intelligence_). "OH!--EH!--WHAT!--TURN IT OFF AT
+THE _MAIN_!!"
+
+Illustration: _Weights and Measures._
+
+=Valetudinarian= (_in the course of Conversation with intelligent
+Passenger, whom he takes to be a Dignitary of the Church_). "NOW, WHAT
+SHOULD YOU THINK WAS MY WEIGHT?"
+
+=Gentleman in Black.= "WELL, SIR--LET ME SEE--YOU STAND ABOUT FIVE FEET
+ELEVEN, THIRTY INCHES ACROSS CHEST, AND WE'LL SAY ELEVEN INCHES
+DEEP--WELL, I SHOULD SAY, SPEAKING AT RANDOM, YOU WOULD 'LIFT' AT ABOUT
+ELEVEN STUN' AND THREE QUARTERS!"
+
+_Horror of Invalid--his fellow-passenger was an UNDERTAKER!_
+
+Illustration: "_Small Mercies._"
+
+=First Jolly Angler= (_with empty Creel_). "WELL, WE'VE HAD A VERY
+PLEASANT DAY! WHAT A DELIGHTFUL PURSUIT IT IS!"
+
+=Second Ditto= (_with ditto_). "GLORIOUS! I SHAN'T FORGET THAT NIBBLE WE
+HAD JUST AFTER LUNCH, AS LONG AS I LIVE!"
+
+=Both.= "AH!!"
+
+Illustration: Tyranny.
+
+=First Rough.= "WE'RE A GOIN' TO BE EDGICATED NOW, C'MPULSORY, OR ELSE GO
+TO THE TREADMILL!"
+
+=Second Rough.= "AH! NO VUNDER SO MANY POOR PEOPLE'S A EMIGRATIN'!"
+
+Illustration: A Perfect Cure.
+
+=Town Man.= "HOW JOLLY IT MUST BE, LIVING DOWN HERE IN THE COUNTRY!"
+
+=Country Gentleman.= "OH, I DON'T KNOW. IT'S RATHER TORPID SORT OF LIFE;
+TIME PASSES VERY SLOWLY."
+
+=Town Man.= "TIME PASSES SLOWLY? YOU SHOULD GET SOMEBODY TO DRAW ON YOU AT
+THREE MONTHS!!"
+
+Illustration: In Consequence of the Tailors' Strike.
+
+GEORGE AND THE GOVERNOR HAVE THEIR CLOTHES MADE AT HOME.
+
+=George.= "ARE YOU SURE YOU TOOK MY RIGHT MEASURE, CHARLOTTE?"
+
+=Charlotte.= "OH, GEORGE, I'M SURE IT FITS BEAUTIFULLY!!"
+
+Illustration: "As Well as Can be Expected."
+
+=Horsey Parish Doctor= (_late for the Meet_). "WELL, MOTHER, AND HOW'S
+YOUR DAUGHTER, AND THE BABBY--POORLY, EH? AH, WELL, GIVE HIM A PINCH O'
+BRIMSTONE IN HIS PAP, AND I'LL LOOK IN TO-MORROW."
+
+Illustration: Penny Wise.
+
+=National Schoolmaster= (_going round with Government Inspector_).
+"WILKINS, HOW DO YOU BRING SHILLINGS INTO PENCE?"
+
+=Pupil.= "PLEASE, SIR, 'TAKES IT ROUND TO THE PUBLIC-'OUSE, SIR!!"
+
+Illustration: Reminiscences.
+
+=Governess.= "SHOW MR. SMITHERS YOUR NEW DOLL, ADA."
+
+=Old Rustic.= "AH--LOR'--DEARY ME, MUM, IF IT AIN'T THE VERY MODAL OF MY
+OLD WOMAN WHEN SHE WAS IN HER PRIME!!"
+
+Illustration: "Hoist with His Own 'Pomade'!"
+
+=Customer= (_worried into it_). "WELL, I DON'T MIND TAKING A SMALL
+BOTTLE----"
+
+=Barber.= "BETTER 'AVE A TWO SHILLIN' ONE, SIR; IT 'OLDS FOUR TIMES AS
+MUCH AS THE OTHER----"
+
+=Customer= (_turning upon him_). "O, THEN IF I TAKE THIS SHILLING BOTTLE,
+I SHALL BE DONE OUT OF HALF MY MONEY'S WORTH! THEN I WON'T HAVE ANY!"
+_Escapes in triumph!_
+
+Illustration: Distracting.
+
+=Customer.= "WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE BISHOP'S SERMON ON SUNDAY, MR.
+WIGSBY?"
+
+=Hairdresser.= "WELL, REALLY, SIR, THERE WAS A GENT A-SETTIN' IN FRONT O'
+ME AS 'AD HIS 'AIR PARTED THAT CROOKED I COULDN'T 'EAR A WORD!"
+
+Illustration: A Compliment.
+
+=Hairdresser.= "ANY OFF THE BEARD, SIR?"
+
+=Customer.= "NO, THANK YOU. I'VE LATELY TRIMMED IT MYSELF."
+
+=Hairdresser.= "INDEED, SIR! I SHOULD NOT HAVE THOUGHT ANY GENTLEMAN OUT
+OF THE PROFESSION COULD HAVE DONE IT SO WELL!!"
+
+Illustration: XXX Cellent Reasons.
+
+=Free and Independent= (_to wavering_) =Elector=. "YOU DON'T ADMIRE HIS
+POLITICS? POLITICS BE BLOWED! LOOK AT HIS PRINCIPLES! THAT MAN ALLUS
+BREWS FIVE-AND-TWENTY BUSHELS TO THE HOGSHEAD!"
+
+Illustration: Sympathy.
+
+=Giles= (_ruefully_). "VILLIAM, I'VE BEEN AN' GONE AN' 'LISTED!"
+
+=William.= "LOR'! 'AVE YER, THOUGH? GOT THE SHILLIN'?"
+
+=Giles.= "YES."
+
+=William.= "WELL, THEN, LET'S GO AN' 'AVE A GLASS AT THE 'BARLEY-MOW.'
+DON'T LET'S BE DOWN'EARTED!"
+
+Illustration: Liberal to a Fault.
+
+=the missus= (_affably_). "MY 'USBAN'S OUT JUST NOW, SIR. CAN I GIVE HIM
+ANY MESSAGE?"
+
+=liberal candidate.= "AH--I HAVE CALLED WITH THE HOPE THAT--AH--HE'D
+PROMISE ME HIS VOTE AT THE APPROACH----"
+
+=the missus.= "OH, YES, SIR. YOU'RE CAP'M BILKE, THE 'YALLOW,' I S'POSE,
+SIR! YES, I'M SURE HE'LL BE MOST 'APPY, SIR!"
+
+=the captain= (_delighted_). "YA-AS--I SHALL BE MUCH OBLIGED TO
+HIM--AND--AH--HE MAY DEPEND UPON MY----"
+
+=the missus.= "YES, I'M SURE HE'D PROMISE YOU IF HE WAS AT HOME, SIR;
+'CAUSE WHEN THE TWO 'BLUE' GENTS CALLED AND AS'ED HIM THE OTHER DAY,
+SIR, HE PROMISED 'EM D'REC'LY, SIR!!"
+
+Illustration: Civil Service Miseries.
+
+=Mamma= (_who has been Shopping at the Co-Operative_). "GOOD GRACIOUS,
+DEARS, WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THESE PARCELS?"
+
+=Youngest Daughter.= "OH, PA' CAN TAKE THE LARGE ONE, MA', AND HE MIGHT
+CARRY SOME OF THE SMALL ONES IN HIS POCKETS!!" _Pa', who has been
+waiting outside, feels he's in for it._
+
+Illustration: "Men were Deceivers Ever."
+
+=Swell= (_at the Civil Service Co-Operative Store_). "HAW! I WANT TWO OR
+THWEE POUNDS--BACON--AND--AW--'BLIGE ME BY DOING IT UP LIKE BOX--GLOVES
+OR FLOWERS, OR SOMETHING O' THAT SORT!!"
+
+Illustration: A Sinister Slip.
+
+=Smith.= "HULLO, BROWN! 'BEEN FOR YOUR ANNUAL COLLIS----I MEAN YOUR ANNUAL
+EXCURSION, YET?"
+
+_Brown was highly nervous, and this malign suggestion quite upset him.
+He spent his holiday at home!_
+
+Illustration: Force of Habit.
+
+=City Merchant= (_blissfully dozing in his Country Church_). "SEASON
+TICKET!!"
+
+Illustration: "_Alma Mater._"
+
+_Young Puncheonby "cuts" the Army, and goes to Oxford to read for "the
+Church."_
+
+=Tutor.= "YOU ARE PREPARED IN SUBSCRIBE TO THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES----"
+
+=Puncheonby= (_with alacrity_). "AH 'TH PLEASH 'AH,--AH--HOW MU-CH--."
+
+Illustration: _Embarrassing._
+
+=Nervous Spinster= (_to wary Old Bachelor_). "OH, MR. MARIGOLD, I'M SO
+FRIGHTENED! MAY I TAKE HOLD OF YOUR HAND WHILE WE'RE GOING THROUGH THIS
+TUNNEL?"
+
+Illustration: A Straightforward View.
+
+=High Church Curate.= "AND WHAT DO YOU THINK, MR. SIMPSON, ABOUT A
+CLERGYMAN'S TURNING TO THE EAST?"
+
+=Literal Churchwarden.= "WELL, SIR, MY OPINION IS, THAT IF THE CLERGY MAN
+IS GOODLOOKIN', HE DON'T WANT TO TURN HIS BACK TO THE CONGREGATION!"
+
+Illustration: "The Better the Day." &c.
+
+=Rustic= (_to Curate who dabbles in Photography_). "I'D BE TURR'BLE MUCH
+OBLIGED, ZUR, IF YOU'D MAP OFF MY PICTUR', ZUR!"
+
+=Curate.= "WELL, MY MAN, I'LL TAKE YOUR LIKENESS FOR YOU. WHEN WILL YOU
+COME?"
+
+=Rustic.= "WELL, ZUR, IF YOU'VE NO 'BJECTIONS, I BE MOASTLY CLEANED UP AND
+HAS MOAST TIME O' ZUNDAY MARNINS, ZUR!!"
+
+Illustration: A Distinction.
+
+=The "Good Parson"= (_to Applicant for Instruction in the Night School_).
+"HAVE YOU BEEN CONFIRMED, MY BOY?"
+
+=Boy= (_hesitating_). "PLEASE, SIR--I--DON'T KNOW----"
+
+=Parson.= "YOU UNDERSTAND ME; HAS THE BISHOP LAID HIS HANDS ON YOU?"
+
+=Boy.= "OH, NO, SIR; BUT HIS KEEPER HAVE, SIR--VERY OFTEN, SIR!!"
+
+Illustration: Considerate.
+
+=Churchwarden.= "TELL YE WHAT 'TIS, SIR. THE CONGREGATION DO WISH YOU
+WOULDN'T PUT THAT 'ERE CURATE UP IN PULPIT--NOBODY CAN'T HEAR UN."
+
+=Old Sporting Rector.= "WELL, BLUNT, THE FACT IS, TWEEDLER'S SUCH A GOOD
+FELLOW FOR PARISH WORK, I'M OBLIGED TO GIVE HIM _A MOUNT_ SOMETIMES."
+
+Illustration: Rustic Recollections.
+
+=Boy.= "PLEASE, PA-ARSON, MOTHER WANTS SOME SOUP."
+
+=The Rector.= "BUT I TOLD YOUR MOTHER SHE MUST SEND SOMETHING TO PUT IT
+IN."
+
+=Boy.= "OH, PLEASE, SHE'VE SENT THIS YEAR PA-AIL VOR 'UN, PA-ARSON!!"
+
+Illustration: _Not a "Silver Lining" to a Cloud._
+
+=Adolphus= (_grandly; he is giving his future brother-in-law a little
+dinner down the river_). "WAITAR, YOU CAN--AH--LEAVE US!"
+
+=Old Waiter.= "HEM!--YESSIR--BUT--YOU'LL PARD'N ME, SIR--WE'VE SO MANY
+GENTS--'DON'T WISH TO IMPUTE NOTHINK, SIR--BUT MASTER--'FACT IS,
+SIR--(_evidently feels a delicacy about mentioning it_)--WE'RE--YOU SEE,
+SIR--_'SPONSIBLE FOR THE PLATE, SIR!!!_"
+
+Illustration: "_What's in a Name?_"
+
+=Waiter= (_to nervous invalid_). "THERE'S THE OLD CHURCH, SIR, CLOSE BY,
+BUT SOME VISITORS GOES TO ST. WOBBLEOE'S, SIR. THERE THE CLERGYMAN
+PREACHES _DISTEMPERY_!!"
+
+_Clearly not the place for him, the old gentleman thinks, with a
+shudder._
+
+Illustration: _A New Dish._
+
+=Sympathising Swell= (_waiting for some chicken_). "YOU'VE GOT NO SINECURE
+THERE, THOMAS!"
+
+=Perspiring Footman.= "VERY SORRY, SIR--JUST 'ELPED THE LAST OF IT AWAY,
+SIR!"
+
+Illustration: Our Artist
+
+IS NOT IN THE BEST OF TEMPERS. HE HAS BEEN DISTURBED OFTEN BY BARGES,
+AND BOTHERED BY THE BLUEBOTTLES, AND THEN HE'S ACCOSTED BY WHAT APPEARS
+TO HIM IN THIS IRRITABLE MOOD TO BE AN
+
+=Art-Critic= (_loq._) "THE PICTURE LOOKS BETTER A GOODISH BIT OFF,
+GOV'NOUR!"
+
+=Artist= (_maddened_). "CON--FOUND----SO DO YOU, SIR!" _Party makes off
+hastily, "not liking the looks of him."_
+
+Illustration: Hunting Idiot,
+
+RETURNING FROM THE CHASE, PROPOSES TO "CHAFF THAT ARTIST FELLER."
+
+=Huntsman.= "WHAT'LL YER TAKE ME FOR, GOV'NOUR?"
+
+=Painter= (_without the slightest hesitation_). A _SNOB_!
+
+Illustration: Boxing-Day.
+
+(_Mrs. Bustleton's favourite Cabman has called for his usual
+Christmas-Box in a state of----never mind._)
+
+=Mrs. B.= "OH, SAWYER, I'M SURPRISED--I THOUGHT YOU SUCH A STEADY MAN! I'M
+SORRY TO SEE YOU GIVEN TO DRINK!"
+
+=Sawyer.= "BEG Y' PAR'N MUM, NO S'H 'HING MUM (_hic_). DRINK 'ASH GI'N T'
+ME, MUM, 'SH MORN'N, MUM!!"
+
+Illustration: An Old Offender.
+
+=Country Gentleman= (_eyeing his Gardener suspiciously_). "DEAR, DEAR MR.
+JEFFRIES, THIS IS TOO BAD! AFTER WHAT I SAID TO YOU YESTERDAY, I DIDN'T
+THINK TO FIND YOU----"
+
+=Gardener.= "YOU CAN'T SHAY--(_hic_)--I WASH DRUNK YESHT'DAY, SH----!"
+
+=Country Gentleman= (_sternly_). "ARE YOU SOBER THIS MORNING, SIR?"
+
+=Gardener.= "I'M--SHLIGHTLY SHOBER, SHIR!!"
+
+Illustration: Irrevocable.
+
+=Customer= (_for the Royal Wedding photograph_). "CAN'T I HAVE THE LADY
+ONLY? I DON'T SO MUCH WANT THE GENTLEMAN!!"
+
+=Young Person= (_with decision_). "NO, SIR; WE CAN'T PART THEM, SIR,
+_NOW_!"
+
+Illustration: Mrs. Jingleton. Learning that Young M Skirlygy
+
+(FROM WHOSE FAMILY SHE RECEIVED SUCH POLITENESS WHEN SHE WAS IN THE
+HIGHLANDS) WAS IN TOWN, AND HAVING HEARD SO MUCH OF HIS PLAYING, ASKS
+HIM TO ONE OF HER LITTLE PARTIES FOR CLASSICAL MUSIC, AND HOPES HE WILL
+'OBLIGE' DURING THE EVENING.--HA! HA! SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HIS
+INSTRUMENT WAS!
+
+Illustration: Arcadian Amenities.
+
+=Little Rustic= (_after a "game" struggle, evidently overweighted_). "OH,
+PLEASE, HELP US ALONG 'ITH THIS LINEN UP TO MOTHER'S----"
+
+=Amiable Swell= (_aghast_). "EH! OH, RIDICULOUS--HOW CAN I?--LOOK HERE,
+I'VE GOT A BAG--HEAVY BAG--TO CARRY MYSELF----"
+
+=Little Rustic.= "I'LL CARRY YOUR BAG, SIR."
+
+=Swell.= "EH--BUT (_to gain time_) WH--WHAT'S YOUR MOTHER'S ABSURD NAME?"
+_This did not help him much. There was no escape; and ultimately----but
+we draw a veil over the humiliating sequel._
+
+Illustration: A Big Fish.
+
+=Artful Damsel= (_who has made a successful throw_). "O, LORD FEUBIGGIN,
+HOWEVER SHALL I MANAGE----."
+
+=Lord Feubiggin= (_caught, two_). "PRAY LET ME SHOW YOU! ALL DEPENDS ON
+HOW YOU PLAY YOUR FISH!" _We betray confidence for once. This Picture
+comes from a Letter sent by a newly-married Lady (now of title), to a
+particular Friend of hers, and is called a "Reminiscence of Scotland."
+Perhaps our Readers can guess at the Story--we cannot._
+
+Illustration: The Pic-Nic.
+
+=Playful Widow.= "JUMP ME DOWN, MR. FIGGINS!!"
+
+_The gallant little Man did his best, but fell--in her estimation for
+ever!_
+
+Illustration: Artful--Very!
+
+=Mary.= "DON'T KEEP A SCREOUGIN' O' ME, JOHN!"
+
+=John.= "WH'OI BEAN'T A SCREOUGIN' ON YER!"
+
+=Mary= (_ingenuously_). "WELL, Y' CAN I' Y' LIKE, JOHN!"
+
+Illustration: "_The Grey Mare!_"
+
+=Mrs. B.= (_taking the reins_). "NO, BROWN, I WILL NOT HAVE THE PONY
+BACKED! NO! THAT PERSON MUST HAVE SEEN US COME INTO THE LANE FIRST; AND
+IF THE MAN'S GOT COMMON POLITENESS----"
+
+=Mr. B.= "BUT, MY DEAR, WE'VE ONLY JUST TURNED THE----"
+
+=Mrs. B.= "I DON'T CARE, BROWN! NO! I WON'T GO BACK, IF I STAY HERE
+TILL----"
+
+=Farmer.= "ALL RIGHT, SIR!--I'LL BACK, SIR. I'VE GOT JUST SUCH ANOTHER
+_VIXEN_ AT HOME, SIR!"
+
+Illustration: _How We Arrange Our Little Dinners._
+
+=Mistress.= "OH, COOK, WE SHALL WANT DINNER FOR FOUR THIS EVENING. WHAT DO
+YOU THINK, BESIDES THE JOINT, OF OX-TAIL SOUP, LOBSTER PATÉS, AND AN
+ENTRÉE--SAY, BEEF?"
+
+=Cook.= "YES, 'M--FRESH, OR AUSTR----?"
+
+=Mistress.= "LET'S SEE! IT'S ONLY THE BROWNS--TINNED WILL DO!"
+
+Illustration: _Conclusive._
+
+=Lodger.= "I DETECT RATHER A DISAGREEABLE SMELL IN THE HOUSE, MRS. JONES.
+ARE YOU SURE THE DRAINS----"
+
+=Welsh Landlady.= "OH, IT CAN'T BE THE DRAINS, SIR, WHATEVER. THERE ARE
+NONE, SIR!!"
+
+Illustration: _Our Manoeuvres._
+
+=Captain of Skirmishers= (_rushing in to seize Picket Sentries of the
+Enemy_). "HULLO! HE-AR! YOU SURRENDER TO THIS COMPANY!"
+
+=Opposition Lance-Corporal.= "BEG PARDON, SIR! IT'S THE OTHER WAY, SIR.
+WE'RE A BRIGADE, SIR!!!"
+
+Illustration: "Our Reserves,"--The Battle of Amesbury.
+
+=Aide-de-Camp.= "GOOD GRACIOUS, SIR! WHY DON'T YOU ORDER YOUR MEN TO LIE
+DOWN UNDER THIS HILL? CAN'T YOU SEE THAT BATTERY PLAYING RIGHT ON THEM?"
+
+=Colonel of Volunteers.= "SO I DID, SIR. BUT THEY WON'T LIE DOWN. THEY SAY
+THEY WANT TO SEE THE REVIEW!!"
+
+Illustration: A Little Failing.
+
+=Nervous Old Lady.= "NOW, CABMAN, YOU'RE SURE YOUR HORSE IS QUIET? WHAT'S
+HE LAYING BACK HIS EARS LIKE THAT FOR? LOOK!"
+
+=Cabby.= "O THAT'S ONLY HER FEMI-NINE CUR'OSITY, MUM. SHE LIKES TO HEAR
+WHERE SHE'S A GOIN' TO!"
+
+Illustration: The Connoisseurs.
+
+=Groom.= "WHEW'S BEER DO YOU LIKE BEST--THIS 'ERE HOM'BREWED O' FISK'S, OR
+THAT THERE ALE THEY GIVES YER AT THE WHITE HO'S?"
+
+=Keeper= (_critically_). "WELL, O' THE TEW I PREFERS THIS 'ERE. THAT THERE
+O' WUM'OOD'S DON'T FARE TO ME TO TASTE O' NAWTHUN AT ALL. NOW THIS 'ERE
+DEW TASTE O' THE CASK!!"
+
+Illustration: "Io Bacche!"
+
+=Jeames.= "MORNIN', MR. JARVICE. WHAT'S THE NEWS?"
+
+=Mr. J.= (_the old Coachman_). "WELL, I'VE 'EARD THE BEST BIT O' NEWS THIS
+MORNING AS I'VE 'EARD FOR MANY A DAY, FROM OUR BUTLER. HE TELL ME THE
+WIN'YARDS IS 'A COMIN' ROUND,' AND THERE'S EVERY PROSPEC' OF OUR GETTIN'
+SOME MORE GOOD MADEIRY!!"
+
+Illustration: A Veteran.
+
+=Civil Service Captain.= "WILL--HE--AH--STAND POW-DAR?"
+
+=Dealer.= "'POWDER?' WHY HE WAS ALL THROUGH THE BATTLE O' WATERLOO THAT
+CHARGER WAS!!"
+
+Illustration: "What's the Odds?"
+
+=Purchaser.= "HE'S RATHER HEAVY ABOUT THE HEAD, ISN'T HE?"
+
+=Dealer= (_can't deny it_). "WELL, SIR! (_Happy thought._) BUT Y'SEE, SIR,
+HE'LL HEV TO CARRY IT HISSELF!"
+
+Illustration: _"There's Many a Slip" &c._
+
+WAGGLES SAW A SPLENDID THREE-POUND TROUT FEEDING IN A QUIET PLACE ON THE
+THAMES ONE EVENING LAST WEEK. DOWN HE COMES THE NEXT NIGHT, MAKING SURE
+OF HIM! BUT SOME OTHER PEOPLE HAD SEEN HIM TOO!!!
+
+Illustration: _Lingua "East Anglia."_
+
+=First Angler= (_to Country Boy_). "I SAY, MY LAD, JUST GO TO MY FRIEND ON
+THE BRIDGE THERE, AND SAY I SHOULD BE MUCH OBLIGED TO HIM IF HE'D SEND
+ME SOME BAIT."
+
+=Country Boy= (_to Second Angler, in the Eastern Counties language_).
+"THA' THERE BO' SAHY HE WANT A WURRUM!!"
+
+Illustration: _A Luxurious Habit._
+
+=Philanthropist= (_to Railway Porter_). "THEN WHAT TIME DO YOU GET TO
+BED?"
+
+=Porter.= "WELL, I SELDOM WHAT YER MAY CALL GETS TO BED MYSELF, 'CAUSE O'
+THE NIGHT TRAINS. BUT MY BROTHER, AS USED TO WORK THE P'INTS FURTHER
+DOWN THE LINE, WENT TO BED LAST CHRISTMAS AFTER THE ACCIDENT, AND
+NEVER----"
+
+_Train rushes in, and the Parties rush off._
+
+Illustration: _The Golden Age Restored._
+
+=Young Lady= (_Through Passenger, at West Riding Station_). "WHAT'S GOING
+ON HERE TO-DAY, PORTER? HAS THERE BEEN A FÊTE?"
+
+=Porter= (_astonished_). "BLESS THEE, LASS! THERE'S NEA FEIGHTIN'
+NOO-A-DAYS; 'T'S AGIN T' LA-AW!--NOBBUT A FLOOER-SHOW!"
+
+Illustration: "No Accounting for Taste."
+
+=Materfamilias= (_just arrived at Shrimpville--the Children had been down
+a Month before_). "WELL, JANE, HAVE YOU FOUND IT DULL?"
+
+=Nurse.= "IT WAS AT FUST, M'M. THERE WAS NOTHINK TO IMPROVE THE MIND, M'M,
+TILL THE NIGGERS COME DOWN!!"
+
+Illustration: Sold Cheap.
+
+=Little Brown= (_to "Nigger Minstrel," who always addresses his listeners
+as "My Lord"_). "AH, HOW DID YOU KNOW MY----AH--HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS A
+LORD?" _Sensation among the bystanders!_
+
+=Minstrel.= "BLESS YER, MY LORD, I NEVER LOSE SIGHT O' MY SCHOOLFELLERS!"
+
+_Roars of laughter. Little B. caves in, and bolts!_
+
+Illustration: Selling Him a Pennyworth.
+
+=Philanthropist.= "THERE'S A PENNY FOR YOU, MY LAD. WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH
+IT?"
+
+=Sweeper.= "WHAT ALL THIS AT ONCE! I'LL TOSS YER FOR IT, DOUBLE OR
+QUITS!"
+
+Illustration: A Change for the Better.
+
+=Greengrocer.= "WANT A PENN'ORTH O' COALS, DO YER? YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO
+'AVE A PENN'ORTH MUCH LONGER. THEY'RE A GOING UP. COALS IS COALS NOW, I
+CAN TELL YER!"
+
+=Boy.= "AH, WELL, MOTHER'LL BE GLAD O' THAT, 'CAUSE SHE SAYS THE LAST
+COALS SHE HAD O' YOU WAS ALL SLATES!!"
+
+Illustration: _Colloquial Equivalents._
+
+=Papa.= "NOW, MY DEAR GIRLS, YOUR BROTHER IS RECEIVING A MOST EXPENSIVE
+EDUCATION, AND I THINK THAT WHILE HE IS AT HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS YOU
+SHOULD TRY TO LEARN SOMETHING FROM HIM."
+
+=Emily.= "SO WE DO, 'PA. WE'VE LEARNT THAT A BOY WHO CRIES IS A 'BLUB,'
+THAT A BOY WHO WORKS HARD IS A 'SWOT'"----
+
+=Flora.= "YES, AND THAT ANYBODY YOU DON'T LIKE IS A 'CAD;' AND WE KNOW THE
+MEANING OF 'GRUB,' 'PROG,' AND A 'WAX'"
+
+Illustration: "The Meat Supply."
+
+=Bathing-Man.= "YES, MUM, HE'S A GOOD OLD 'ORSE YET. AND HE'S BEEN IN THE
+SALT WATER SO LONG, HE'LL MAKE CAPITAL BILED BEEF WHEN WE'RE DONE WITH
+HIM!!!"
+
+Illustration: "_Tracts._"
+
+=First Navvy.= "T' NEW MISSION-ARY GAVE ME THIS 'ERE TRACK JUST NOW,
+BILL."
+
+=Second Navvy.= "AIN'T SEEN HIM. WHAT LOIKE IS HE?"
+
+=First Navvy.= "LITTLE CHAP--PREACHES ABOUT EIGHT STUN TEN, I SHOULD
+GUESS!"
+
+Illustration: "_A Ticket of Leave_."
+
+=Swell= (_who won't be done_). "H'YARS MY KYARD IF YOU'D--AH--LIKE TO
+SUMMON ME."
+
+=Cabby= (_who has pulled up and heard the dispute_). "DON'T YOU TAKE IT,
+BILL. IT'S HIS TICKET O' LEAVE!"
+
+Illustration: A Pleasant Prospect.
+
+=Traveller= (_in Ireland_). "HI,--PULL HER UP, MAN! DON'T YOU SEE THE MARE
+IS RUNNING AWAY?"
+
+=Paddy.= "HOULD TIGHT, YER 'ONOR! FOR YER LIFE DON'T TOUCH THE
+REINS!--SURE THEY'RE AS ROTTEN AS PEARS! I'LL TURN HER INTO THE RIVER AT
+THE BRIDGE BELOW HERE. SURE THAT'LL STOP HER, THE BLAGYARD!"
+
+Illustration: Reassuring.
+
+=Traveller in Ireland= (_rheumatic, and very particular_). "NOW, I HOPE
+THE SHEETS ARE CLEAN!"
+
+=Kathleen= (_the Chambermaid_). "CLANE, SOR? SHURE THEY'RE JUST _DAMP_
+FROM THE MANGLE, SOR!!"
+
+Illustration: _Woman's Rights._
+
+=Scotch Lady= (_who has taken a House in the Highlands, her Servants
+suddenly giving "warning"_). "WHAT'S THE REASON OF THIS? HAVE YOU NOT
+ALL YOU WANT?--GOOD ROOMS, AND GOOD FRESH AIR AND FOOD, AND EASY WORK?"
+
+=Spokeswoman.= "YES, MEM--BUT--BUT THERE'S NO A DECENT LAAD WITHIN CRY O'
+US!"
+
+Illustration: "_Canny._"
+
+=Sportsman.= "THAT'S A TOUGH OLD FELLOW, JEMMY?"
+
+=Keeper.= "AY, SIR, A GRAND BIRD TO SEND TO YOUR FREENS!"
+
+Illustration: _Stern Pulpit Critics._
+
+=First Scot.= "FAT SORT O' MINISTER HAE YE GOTTEN, GEORDIE?"
+
+=Second Ditto.= "OH, WEEL, HE'S NO MUCKLE WORTH. WE SELDOM GET A GLINT O'
+HIM. SAX DAYS O' TH' WEEK HE'S ENVEES'BLE, AND ON THE SEVENTH HE'S
+ENCOMPREHENS'BLE!!"
+
+Illustration: The Commissariat.
+
+=Squire= (_to new Butler_). "I HAVE THREE OR FOUR CLERGYMEN COMING TO DINE
+WITH ME TO-MORROW, PRODGERS, AND----"
+
+=Mr. Prodgers.= "'IGH OR LOW, SIR?"
+
+=Squire.= "WELL--I HARDLY----BUT WHY DO YOU ASK, PRODGERS?"
+
+=Mr. Prodgers.= "WELL, YOU SEE, SIR, THE 'IGH' DRINKS MOST WINE, AND THE
+'LOW' EATS MOST VITTLES, AND I MUST PERWIDE ACCORDIN!!"
+
+Illustration: Duty and Pleasure.
+
+=Rural Butler= (_deferentially_). "AND WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUR COUNTRY
+QUALITY DOWN HERE, SIR?"
+
+=Town Gentleman= (_"in waiting" to Lord Marybone, who was visiting the
+Squire_). "WELL, 'F COURSE, YOU SEE, SMITHARS, I DON'T MIND WAITIN' ON
+'EM,--BUT--'CAN'T SAY I SHOULD CARE TO SIT DOWN WITH 'EM"!!!
+
+Illustration: "Business!"
+
+=Bath-Chairman.= "I S'POSE THE DUKE OF EDINBORO' AND HIS MISSIS WILL BE BY
+DIRECTLY?"
+
+=Policeman.= "NO, THEY WON'T. THEY AIN'T IN TOWN."
+
+=Bath-Chairman.= "AIN'T THEY?--I SAY, IF THAT OLD LADY IN MY CHAIR ASTS
+YOU, SAY 'YOU DON'T KNOW,' 'CAUSE SHE'S A WAITIN' TO SEE 'EM, AND I'M
+ENGAGED BY THE HOUR!"
+
+Illustration: _Sacrifice._
+
+=Good Templar.= "TUT--T--T--REALLY, SWIZZLE, IT'S DISGRACEFUL TO SEE A MAN
+IN YOUR POSITION IN THIS STATE, AFTER THE EXPENSE WE'VE INCURRED AND THE
+EXERTIONS WE'VE USED TO PUT DOWN THE LIQUOR TRAFFIC!"
+
+=Swizzle.= "Y' MAY PREASH AS MUSH AS Y' LIKE, GEN'L'M'N, BUR I CAN TELL Y'
+I'VE MADE MORE PERSH'NAL EFFORSH TO (_hic_) PURROWN LIQUOR THAN ANY OF
+YE!"
+
+Illustration: _Extenuating Circumstances._
+
+=Employer= (_on his way to business on Monday morning_). "AH, SAUNDERS!
+I'M SORRY TO SEE YOU IN THIS WAY. I THOUGHT YOU'D TURNED OVER A NEW
+LEAF!"
+
+=Saunders= (_repentant_). "SHO I'AD, SHIR, BUT (_hic_) 'TSH ALL ALONG O'
+THESH 'ERE WA'ER CO'PANIES--I 'SSHURE YOU, SHIR, 'ERE WASHN'T 'DROP O'
+WA'ER IN OUR SHISHT'RN ALL YESHT'RDAY!!!"
+
+Illustration: _A Definition._
+
+=Shoeblack= (_pointing to Unsteady Party by the lamp-post_). "TEA-TOTALLER
+ON 'THE STRIKE,' SIR!"
+
+Illustration: _Mystification._
+
+_Our young Landscape Painter's Preparations are Regarded with Intense
+Interest by the Village Juveniles, yet evidently expect a Gymnastic
+Entertainment_--(_he frames an Imaginary Picture with his Hands_).
+
+=Omnes.= "HE'S A GOIN' TO SAY HIS PRAYERS FUST!!"
+
+Illustration: _Obliging._
+
+=Excursionist= (_to himself_). "ULLO! 'ERE'S ONE O' THEM ARTISTS. 'DESSAY
+'E'LL WANT A GENTEEL FIGGER FOR 'IS FOREGROUND. I'LL _STAND FOR
+'IM_!!!"
+
+Illustration: Our Theatricals.
+
+=Brown= (_rehearsing his part as the "Vicomte de Cherisac"_). "YAS, MARIE!
+I'VE FONDLY LOVED YE. (_Sobs dramatically._) 'TIS WELL--BUT NO
+MAT-TAR-R!"
+
+=Housemaid= (_to Cook, outside the Door_). "LAUKS, 'LIZ'BETH, AIN'T MASTER
+A GIVIN' IT TO MISSIS!"
+
+Illustration: Flattering.
+
+=Housemaid= (_to Cook, behind the laurels_). "HE'S A HAFFABLE YOUNG MAN,
+THAT CAP'AIN LIMBER, MISSUS'S BROTHER. HOW BECOMIN' HE'D LOOK IN OUR
+LIVERY, WOULDN'T HE?!!"
+
+Illustration: _Comparisons._
+
+=Barber.= "'AIR'S EXTR'ORDINARY DRY, SIR. (_Customer explains he has been
+in the Country, and out o' doors a good deal._) AH! JUS' SO, SIR.
+RUINATION TO THE 'AIR, SIR! IF I WAS TO BE KNOCKIN' ABOUT 'UNTING AND
+FISHIN', LOR', SIR, MY 'AIR WOULDN'T BE IN NO BETTER STATE THAN YOURS,
+SIR!!"
+
+Illustration: _Delicately Put._
+
+=Customer.= "I'M AFRAID I'M GETTING A LITTLE BALD!"
+
+=Operator.= "WELL, SIR, I THINK, SIR, WHEN YOU ATTEND PUBLIC WUSHIP, IF I
+WAS YOU, I'D SIT IN THE GALLERY."
+
+Illustration: _A Rash Refusal._
+
+=Customer= (_flying from Importunate Tradesman_). "NO, THANK YOU, NOTHING
+MORE, REALLY! NOT ANOTHER ARTICLE, THANK YOU! GOOD MORNING!"
+
+_Escapes--ha! ha! refusing his own Umbrella!!_
+
+Illustration: _A Guilty Conscience._
+
+=Country Parson= (_to hard-drinking Old Pauper_). "WHY, SURELY, MUGGRIDGE,
+YOU WERE RELIEVED LAST WEEK FROM THE COMMUNION ALMS!"
+
+=Muggridge.= "COMMUNION ARMS, SIR! 'S TRUE'S I STAND HERE, NEVER VAS
+INSIDE THE 'OUSE IN ALL MY LIFE, SIR; NEVER HEERD OF IT, SIR!"
+
+Illustration: _Equal to the Situation._
+
+=The Parson.= "WELL, LIZZIE, YOUR MOTHER'S COME OUT OF PRISON, I HEAR. HOW
+IS SHE NOW?"
+
+=Lizzie.= "O, THANKY', SIR, SHE'S EV' SO MUCH BETTER. SHE'VE HAD CAPITAL
+TIMES IN THERE. FATHER'S OUT O' WORK, AND RATHER POORLY, SO HE GOT TOOK
+UP LAST NIGHT!!"
+
+Illustration: _The Convalescent._
+
+=New Curate= (_tenderly_). "MY GOOD MAN, WHAT INDUCED YOU TO SEND FOR ME?"
+
+=Oldest Inhabitant.= "WHAT DOES HE SAY, BETTY?"
+
+=Betty.= "'SAYS WHAT THE DEUCE DID YOU SEND FOR HIM, FOR!!"
+
+Illustration: Awkward!
+
+=Literal Servant Girl= (_to Brown, who was calling for the first time on
+the Dibsworths_). "PLEASE SIR, YOUR CABMAN SAY HE DON'T HALF LIKE THE
+LOOK OF THIS HERE HALF-CROWN YOU'VE GIVE HIM!!"
+
+Illustration: "Suit Your Talk to Your Company."
+
+=Mrs. Clovermead.= "AND, DAN, YOU'LL BRING THE TRAP--(_recollecting
+herself--her fashionable Cousin, from London, is on a Visit at the
+Farm_)--WE SHALL WANT THE CARRIAGE TO DRIVE INTO THE TOWN AFTER
+LUNCHEON, DANIEL."
+
+=Daniel.= "YES, MUM--(_hesitating--he had noticed the correction_)--BE
+I--(_in a loud whisper_)--BE I TO CHANGE MY TROWSE'S, MUM?"!!
+
+Illustration: _Silly Suffolk (?) Pastorals. Reciprocity._
+
+=Parson.= "I HAVE MISSED YOU FROM YOUR PEW OF LATE, MR. STUBBINGS----"
+
+=Farmer= (_apologetically_). "WELL, SIR, I HEV' BEEN TO MEET'N' LATELY.
+BUT--Y' SEE, SIR, THE REVEREND MR. SCOWLES O' THE CHAPEL, HE BOUGHT SOME
+PIGS O' ME, AND I THOUGHT I OUGHT TO GI' 'M A TARN!!"
+
+Illustration: Lapsus Linguæ.
+
+=Our Athletic Curate= (_who, with the young men of his parish, had been
+victorious in a great match the day before; please forgive him this
+once, only_). "HE-AR ENDETH THE FIRST INNINGS!!"
+
+Illustration: The Archery Meeting.
+
+=Curate= (_to Fair Stranger_). "I PERCEIVE YOU ARE NOT A TOXOPHILITE!"
+
+=Fair Stranger= (_promptly_). "OH DEAR NO! 'CHURCH OF ENGLAND,' I ASSURE
+YOU!"
+
+Illustration: _Grandiloquence_
+
+=Captain of Schooner.= "WHAT 'A' YOU GOT THERE, PAT?"
+
+=Pat.= (_who has been laying in some Firewood and Potatoes_). "TIMBER AND
+FRUIT, YER HONOUR!!"
+
+Illustration: _Levelling Up._
+
+=Sub.= (_just arrived by rail_). "HOW MUCH TO THE BARRACKS?"
+
+=Car-Driver.= "AH, SHURE THIN, CAPTIN, THE MANEST OV 'EM GIVES ME T'REE
+AND SIXPENCE!"
+
+Illustration: Rural Simplicity.
+
+"BEEN TO SCHOOL, LITTLE LASSIE?" "AY, SIR." "GOOD GIRL--THERE'S A PENNY
+FOR YOU." "THANK YOU, SIR. I'LL HAE TO BE STEPPIN'--BUT AWM GAUN TO
+SKEULL I' THE MORNIN'--WULL YE BE THIS WAY I' THE EFTERNEUN?!"
+
+Illustration: _Catechism under Difficulties._
+
+=Free Kirk Elder= (_preparatory to presenting a Tract_). "MY FRIEND, DO
+YOU KNOW THE CHIEF END OF MAN?"
+
+=Piper= (_innocently_). "NA, I DINNA MIND THE CHUNE! CAN YE NO WHUSTLE
+IT?"!!
+
+Illustration: _In Vino Memoria._
+
+=Major Portsoken= (_a pretty constant Guest_). "I SAY, BUCHANAN, THIS
+ISN'T--(_another sip_)--THE SAME CHAMPAGNE----!"
+
+=Scotch Butler.= "NA, THAT'S A' DUNE! THERE WAS THRUTTY DIZZEN; AND YE'VE
+HAD YERE SHARE O'T, MAJOR!!"
+
+Illustration: Mind and Matter.
+
+=Augustus= (_poetical_). "LOOK, EDITH! HOW LOVELY ARE THOSE FLEECY
+CLOUDLETS DAPPLED OVER THE----"
+
+=Edith= (_prosaic_). "YES. 'XACTLY LIKE GRAVY WHEN IT'S GETTING COLD.
+ISN'T IT?"!!
+
+Illustration: Perspective!
+
+IN CRITICISING AND CORRECTING HIS PRETTY COUSIN'S PERSPECTIVE, OF COURSE
+FREDERICK'S FACE MUST BE AS NEARLY AS POSSIBLE IN THE SAME PLACE AS
+HERS!--TABLEAU!--PA (IN THE BACKGROUND) IS EVIDENTLY MAKING UP HIS MIND
+TO SEE ABOUT THIS! _Note._ FRED _hasn't a rap!_
+
+Illustration: Those Dreadful Boys!
+
+=Algernon.= "AND, DEAREST, IF THE DEVOTION OF A LIFE----" (_At this moment
+his hat is knocked over his eyes by a common Starfish, or Five-fingers
+(Asterias rubens), thrown, with considerable force and precision, by one
+of those_ infern----_high-spirited little fellows her younger brothers_,
+TOMMY _and_ BERTIE!!!)
+
+Illustration: Profanation.
+
+=Gent.= "I LEFT A LOCK OF HAIR HERE A FEW DAYS AGO TO BE FITTED IN A
+LOCKET, IS IT--AH--READY?"
+
+=Artiste.= "VERY SORRY, SIR, IT HAS BEEN MISLAID. BUT IT'S OF NO
+CONSEQUENCE, SIR--WE CAN EASILY GET IT MATCHED, SIR."!!
+
+Illustration: "Turn About."
+
+=George.= "I SAY, TOM, DO TAKE CARE! YOU NEARLY SHOT MY FATHER THEN!"
+
+=Tom.= "'SH! DON'T SAY ANYTHING, THERE'S A GOOD FELLOW! TAKE A SHOT AT
+MINE!!"
+
+Illustration: Making Things Pleasant.
+
+=Irishman= (_to English Sportsman_). "IS IT THROUTS? BE JABERS, THE
+WATTHER'S STIFF WID 'EM!!!"
+
+"_Regardless of strict truth, in his love of hyperbole and generous
+desire to please," as our Friend recorded in his Diary after a blank
+day._
+
+Illustration: Angling Extraordinary.
+
+=Customer= (_in a great hurry_). "A SMALL BOX OF GENTLES, PLEASE. AND LOOK
+SHARP! I WANT TO CATCH A 'BUS'!!"
+
+Illustration: "Happy Thought."
+
+=Mistress= (_who had come down to see about the Bass Voice she had heard
+in the Kitchen--Guardsman discovered!_). "O, YOU DECEITFUL GIRL, TO SAY
+THERE WAS NOBODY HERE! AND AFTER I'D GIVEN YOU DISTINCTLY TO UNDERSTAND
+I DIDN'T ALLOW 'FOLLOWERS'; AND HERE, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE A WEEK----"
+
+=Cook.= "LAUKS, M'M, IT MUST BE ONE O' THE FOLLERERS AS THE LAST COOK LEFT
+BE'IND 'ER!!"
+
+Illustration: _Romance of the Kitchen._
+
+=Cook= (_from the Area_). "O, 'LIZA, GI' ME MY WINIGRETTE--I'VE 'AD
+A--OFFER--FROM THE DUSTMAN!!"
+
+Illustration: "_Compliments of the Season._"
+
+=Comely Housemaid.= "O, MR. JAMES, I'M SO FRIGHTENED IN THE RAILWAY!
+SUPPOSE THE BILER WAS TO BUST!"
+
+=Mr. James.= "THEN, MY DEAR, YOU'D BE A SINGIN' AMONG THE ANGELS IN ABOUT
+TEN MINUTES!!"
+
+Illustration: "Ready!"
+
+=Emily.= "WHAT'S CAPITAL PUNISHMENT, MAMMA?"
+
+=Master Harry.= "WHY, BEING LOCKED UP IN THE PANTRY! _I_ SHOULD CONSIDER
+IT SO!"
+
+Illustration: Dear, Dear Boy!
+
+=George.= "OH! SHOULDN'T I JUST LIKE TO SEE SOMEBODY IN THAT DEN, AUNT!"
+
+=Serious Aunt.= "YE-ES. DANIEL, I SUPPOSE, DEAR?"
+
+=George.= "OH NO, AUNT; I MEAN 'OLD TWIGSBY,' OUR HEAD-MASTER!!"
+
+Illustration: "Brother Brush."
+
+=Ship-Painter.= "NICE DRYIN' WEATHER FOR OUR BUSINESS, AIN'T IT, SIR?"
+
+=Amateur= (_disconcerted_). "YA-A-S!"----
+
+_Takes a dislike to the place._
+
+Illustration: "The Compliments of the (Sketching) Season."
+
+=Papa.= "THERE, HENRY! IF YOU COULD DO LIKE THAT, I'D HAVE YOU _TAUGHT
+DRAWING_, MY BOY!"
+
+Illustration: A Pleasant Prospect.
+
+=English Tourist.= "I SAY, LOOK HERE. HOW FAR IS IT TO THIS GLENSTARVIT?
+THEY TOLD US IT WAS ONLY----"
+
+=Native.= "ABOOT FOUR MILES."
+
+=Tourist= (_aghast_). "ALL BOG LIKE THIS?"
+
+=Native.= "EH--H--THIS IS JUST NAETHIN' TILL'T!!"
+
+Illustration: Compliments of the Season.
+
+=Squire= (_who interests himself with the Moral and Material Condition of
+his Peasantry_). "HULLO, WOODRUFF! WHAT AN EYE YOU'VE GOT! HOW DID YOU
+GET THAT?!"
+
+=Labourer.= "O, IT'S NAWTHIN' PARTIC'LAR, SIR. LAST NIGHT--AT THE WHITE
+'ART, SIR. BUT--(_in extenuation_)--CHRISHMASH TIME, SIR--ON'Y ONCE A
+YEAR!"
+
+Illustration: Two Sides to a Question.
+
+=Squire.= "YOUR NAME SMITH?"
+
+=Smith.= "YESSIR."
+
+=Squire.= "AH, I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE THE MAN WHO GIVES SO MUCH TROUBLE TO MY
+KEEPERS!"
+
+=Smith.= "AX YER PARDON, SQUIRE, YOUR KEEPERS IS MUCH MORE TROUBLE TO
+ME!"
+
+Illustration: Suspicion!
+
+=Stout Visitor= (_on discovering that, during his usual Nap after
+Luncheon, he has been subjected to a grossly personal Practical Joke_).
+"IT'S ONE O' THOSE DASHED ARTISTS THAT ARE STAYING AT THE 'LORD NELSON'
+'A' DONE THIS, I KNOW!"
+
+Illustration: Depression.
+
+SCENE--_The Exchange. Industrial Centre._
+
+=First Commercial Man= (_dryly_). "MORNIN'!"
+
+=Second ditto= (_coldly_). "MORNIN'!"
+
+=First C. M.= (_hopelessly_). "OWT?"
+
+=Second ditto= (_mournfully_). "NOWT!"
+
+=First C. M.= (_gloomily_). "MORNIN'!"
+
+=Second ditto= (_despairingly_). "MORNIN'!"
+
+_They part._
+
+Illustration: Reductio ad Absurdum.
+
+=Stout Party= (_the first time he went for his Dividends since his Aunt
+left him that Legacy_). "WHERE DO YOU GO FOR THESE DIVIDEND WARRANTS?"
+
+=Bank Beadle.= "WHAT STOCK, SIR?"
+
+=Stout Party.= "WELL, THREE PER CENT. SOMETHING "----(_The word stuck in
+his throat_).
+
+=Bank Beadle.= "AH!--(_giving him the Information, and saying the word for
+him_)--_REDOOCED,_ SIR!!"
+
+_Stout Party sighs, and exit._
+
+Illustration: "The More Haste the Less Speed."
+
+=Intelligent Peasant= (_who has been overlooking our Artists with much
+interest_). "YAR MATE'S A STAININ' O' HIS'N A'READY, SIR!"
+
+Illustration: The Point of View.
+
+=Tomkins= (_he has heard his friend Stodge talk so much about that lovely
+spot Wobbleswick, whither he was going sketching, that he was induced to
+accompany him. A day has elapsed, and he is awaking to the horror of his
+situation!_) "SEEMS TO ME AN INFERN----I CALL IT RATHER A DULL PLACE!"
+
+=Stodge.= "DULL, MY DEAR FELLOW! HOW CAN YOU SAY SO? LOOK AT THIS
+BEAUTIFUL, BREEZY COMMON! AND THE LINES OF THOSE OLD HOUSES ON THE
+BEACH, BREAKING THE HORIZON, AND THE COLOUR! AND THE JOLLY QUIET OF THE
+PLACE! NONE O' YOUR BEASTLY BARREL-ORGANS OR GAPING TOURISTS SWARMING
+ABOUT! I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE IT!!"
+
+Illustration: "Lucus a Non" &c.
+
+=Visitor.= "HOW LONG HAS YOUR MASTER BEEN AWAY?"
+
+=Irish Footman.= "WELL, SORR, IF HE'D COME HOME YISTHERDAY, HE'D A' BEEN
+GONE A WAKE TO-MORROW; BUT EV HE DOESN'T RETURN THE DAY AFTHER, SHURE
+HE'LL A' BEEN AWAY A FORTNIGHT NEXT THORSDAY!!"
+
+Illustration: Hyperbole.
+
+=Saxon Sportsman.= "ANY SNIPE ABOUT HERE, MY MAN?"
+
+=Pat.= "SNIPES, IS IT?! FAIX, THEY'RE GINERALLY JOSTLIN' 'ACH OTHER
+HEREABOUTS!"
+
+Illustration: Real Irish Grievance.
+
+=Irish Model= (_requested to put on rather a dilapidated costume_). "THE
+BLISSED SAINTS DIRICT ME INTO THIS COAT, SOR!"
+
+Illustration: Our Inspection.
+
+=Lieutenant-Colonel.= "HULLO! CONFOUND IT! THERE'S A MAN BLOWING HIS
+NOSE--AND WITH A POCKET-HANDKERCHIEF, TOO! TUT-T-T-T-T!"
+
+Illustration: Hunting Appointments.
+
+=Scientific Colonel.= "ARE YOU GOING TO THE 'KRIEGSPIEL' TO-MORROW?"
+
+=Cavalry Sub.= (_Hunting Man_). "AUGH! 'THINK NOT, SIR. AUGH! 'MEET
+THE-ARE, DO THEY? NEVAR HEARD OF THE PLACE! WHERWE ON EARTH IS I--T?"!!
+
+Illustration: Encouraging!
+
+=Riding-Master= (_to Sub. belonging to one of the new Mounted Batteries_).
+"WELL, SIR! YOU'RE ALL 'OF A HEAP' ON THE HORSE'S NECK--YOU'VE LOST YOUR
+SWORD AND YOUR FORAGE-CAP, AND YOU'VE LOST YOUR STIRRUPS--AND----YOU'LL
+LOSE YOURSELF NEXT!!"
+
+Illustration: "It's an Ill Wind" &c.
+
+=Sporting Sub.= "I SHOULD LIKE TO HAVE MY LEAVE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE,
+COLONEL, FOR I'VE JUST HEARD MY FATHER'S HAD A BAD FALL OUT HUNTING."
+
+=Colonel.= "DEAR ME! I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT! I HOPE HE'S NOT HURT!"
+
+=Sporting Sub.= "OH, IT ISN'T THAT!--ONLY I WANT TO HAVE HIS HORSE!!"
+
+Illustration: Particular!
+
+=Adjutant of Volunteers= (_to Recruit_). "WELL, SIR, AND WHAT COMPANY DO
+YOU WISH TO BE IN?"
+
+=Recruit.= "AUGH! I'VE BEEN--AH--USED TO THE CO'PANY OF--AH--GE'TLEMEN,
+SIR!!!!"
+
+Illustration: The Last Word.
+
+=Cabby= (_to stately Party, who has given him his legal Fare_). "MAKIN'
+YER FORTUNE, SIR, NO DOUBT!"
+
+=Swell= (_not exactly catching the Remark_). "EH?"
+
+=Cabby.= "YOU'RE A LAYIN' BY A GOOD BIT O' MONEY, SIR, I'LL BE BOUND!"
+
+=Swell= (_indignantly_). "What d'you mean, Sir?"
+
+Cabby. "WHY YOU DON'T SPEND MUCH, SEEMIN'LY!"
+
+_Drives off in triumph._
+
+Illustration: A Dilemma.
+
+=Cabby.= "ERE'S A GO, P'LICEMAN! WHAT AM I TO DO?--I VOS ORDERED TO TAKE
+THESE 'ERE GENTS AS 'A BEEN A DININ' YOU SEE, TO THEIR 'SPECTABLE 'OMES,
+VUN VOS FOR 'ANOVER SQUARE, ANOTHER FOR THE HALBANY, AND THE TOTHERS
+ELSEVERES----VELL, THEY VOS ALL CAREFULLY SORTED VEN I STARTED, AN' NOW
+THEY'VE BEEN AN' GONE AN' MIXED THE'RSELVES UP, AN' I DON'T KNOW VICH IS
+VICH!!"
+
+Illustration: Too True!
+
+=Mamma.= "MY DEAR CHILD, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT DREADFUL SCRATCH ON YOUR
+ARM?"
+
+=Little Ada.= "OH, 'MA, IT WAS 'LISBETH'S BIG BRASS BROOCH WITH THE GREEN
+GLASS IN IT, THAT THE TALL SOLDIER GAVE HER!"
+
+Illustration: "Once for All."
+
+=Mistress.= "BY THE WAY--ANNA--HANNAH--I'M NOT SURE. IS YOUR NAME ANNA, OR
+HANNAH?"
+
+=New Cook= (_tartly_). "WHICH MY NAME IS ANNA, MUM--HAICH, HA, HEN, HEN,
+HA, HAICH,--'ANNA'"----
+
+=Mistress= (_giving it up in despair_). "AH! THANK YOU."
+
+Illustration: Up and Down Stairs.
+
+=Young Mistress= (_at the Parlour Door_). "ELIZA, WHAT IS THAT BELL
+RINGING FOR SO VIOLENTLY?"
+
+=Cook= (_below_). "IT'S ON'Y ME, M'UM. I WANT YOU DOWN IN THE KITCHING A
+MINUTE!!"
+
+Illustration: Terms--Cash.
+
+=Lady Bountiful.= "HERE, MY GOOD MAN, HERE'S A TICKET FOR THE ORGANISING
+CHARITABLE RELIEF AND REPRESSING MENDI----"
+
+=Professional Beggar= (_with a sneer_). "O, THANKY FOR NOTHINK, MUM,
+_HOURS IS A READY MONEY BUSINESS_!"
+
+Illustration: Gratitude.
+
+=Fastidious Vagrant.= "AND THEY AIN'T 'ALF BUTTERED! I COULD 'A DONE AS
+WELL IF I'D GONE UP THE LANE TO THE 'UNION!'"
+
+Illustration: Music of the Future. Sensation Opera.
+
+=Manager= (_to his Primo Tenore, triumphantly_). "MY DEAR FELLOW, I'VE
+BROUGHT YOU THE SCORE OF THE NEW OPERA. WE'VE ARRANGED SUCH A SCENE FOR
+YOU IN THE THIRD ACT! O' BOARD OF THE PIRATE SCREW, AFTER THE
+KEELHAULING SCENE, YOU KNOW! HEAVY ROLLING SEA, EH?--YES, AND WE CAN
+HAVE SOME REAL SPRAY PUMPED ON TO YOU FROM THE FIRE-ENGINE! VOLUMES OF
+SMOKE FROM THE FUNNEL, CLOSE BEHIND YOUR HEAD--IN FACT, YOU'LL BE
+ENVELOPED AS YOU RUSH ON TO THE BRIDGE! AND THEN YOU'LL SING THAT LOVELY
+BARCAROLLE THROUGH THE SPEAKING-TRUMPET! AND MIND YOU HOLD TIGHT, AS THE
+SHIP BLOWS UP JUST AS YOU COME UPON YOUR HIGH D IN THE LAST BAR!!!"
+
+Illustration: Club Law.
+
+=Waiter.= "DID YOU RING, SIR?"
+
+=Member= (_trying to be calm_). "YES. WILL YOU WAKE THIS GENTLEMAN, AND
+SAY I SHOULD BE OBLIGED IF HE'D LET ME HAVE THE _SPECTATOR_, IF HE'S NOT
+READING IT."
+
+_Old Wacklethorpe has been asleep, with the Paper firmly clutched, for
+the last two hours._
+
+Illustration: "'High' Life Below Stairs!"
+
+=Master= (_sniffing_). "THERE'S A MOST EXTRAORDINARY SMELL, JAMES. I'VE
+NOTICED IT SEVERAL----"
+
+=Hall Porter.= "I DON'T WONDER AT IT, SIR. I'VE SPOKE ABOUT IT
+DOWN-STAIRS. THE BUTLER, SIR, YOU SEE IS ''IGH CHURCH,' WHICH HE 'AS FIT
+UP A HORATORY IN THE PANTRY, AND BURNS HINCENSE. WE COULD STAND THAT;
+BUT THE COOK IS THE 'LOW CHURCH' PERSUASION, AND SHE BURNS BROWN PAPER
+TO HOBVIATE THE HINCENSE. IT'S PERFECTLY HAWFUL ON SAINTS' DAYS,
+SIR!!!"
+
+Illustration: Wages and Wives.
+
+=Philanthropic Farmer.= "WELL, TOMKINS, AFTER THIS WEEK, INSTEAD OF PAYING
+YOU PARTLY IN CIDER, I SHALL GIVE YOU TWO SHILLINGS EXTRA WAGES."
+
+=Tomkins.= "NO, THANKY', MASTER; THAT WON'T DO FOR ME!"
+
+=Farmer.= "WHY, MAN, YOU'LL BE THE GAINER; FOR THE CIDER YOU HAD WASN'T
+WORTH TWO SHILLINGS!"
+
+=Tomkins. ="AH, BUT YOU SEE I DRINKS THE CIDER MYSELF; BUT THE OW'D OOMAN
+'LL 'EV THE TWO SHILLUN'!!"
+
+Illustration: Pursuit o' Knowledge!
+
+=First Agricultural= (_quite a Year after our Branch had been Opened_).
+"WHAT BE THEY POST-ES VUR, MAS'R SAM'L?"
+
+=Second Ditto= (_Wag of the Village_). "WHY, TO CARRY THE TELEGRAFT
+WOIRES, GEARGE!"
+
+=First Ditto.= "WHAT BE THE WOIRES VUR, THEN?"
+
+=Second Ditto.= "WHAT BE THE WOIRES FUR? WHY, TO HOOLD UP THE POST-ES,
+SART'N'Y, GEARGE."!!!
+
+Illustration: A Nice Prospect!
+
+=Traveller= (_benighted in the Black Country_). "NOT A BEDROOM DISENGAGED!
+TUT-T-T-T!"
+
+=Landlady= (_who is evidently in the Coal Business as well_). "OH, WE'LL
+ACCOMMODATE YOU SOMEHOW, SIR, IF ME AND MY 'USBAND GIVES YOU UP OUR OWN
+BED, SIR!"
+
+Illustration: Boon Companions!
+
+=Bargee.= "WHAT! GE-ARGE!"
+
+_Rustic grins in response._
+
+=Bargee.= "I'M ALLUS MAIN GLAD TO SEE THEE, GE-ARGE!"
+
+=Rustic.= "WHOY?"
+
+=Bargee.= "'CAUSE I KNOW THERE MUST BE A PUBLIC-'OUSE CLOSE BY!"
+
+Illustration: Bereaved.
+
+=First Pitman.= "THOU HESSENT BEEN AT THE TOUN LATELY, GEORDIE. HOO'S
+THAT, MAN?"
+
+=Second Pitman.= "THOU KNAWS THE DOG'S DEED, AND AW KENNET GETTEN ANOTHER;
+AN' A CHAP LECKS SA FOND WITOUT A DOG!"
+
+Illustration: Geology.
+
+=Scientific Pedestrian.= "DO YOU FIND ANY FOSSILS HERE?"
+
+=Excavator.= "DUNNO WHAT YUH CALLS 'VOSSULS.' WE FINDS NOWT HERE BUT MUCK
+AND 'ARD WORK!"
+
+Illustration: The Morning Concert.
+
+=Swell= (_doesn't care for music himself_). "MY DEAR, IS
+THIS--AH--(_yawns_)--TE-DIUM OVAR?"!!
+
+Illustration: A Cool Card.
+
+=Swell= (_handing "Sporting Life" to Clerical Party_). "AW--WOULD
+YOU--AW--DO ME THE FAVOUR TO WEAD THE LIST OF THE WACES TO ME WHILE
+WE'RE WUNNING DOWN?--I'VE--AW--FORGOTTEN MY EYEGLASS. DON'T MIND WAISING
+YOUR VOICE--I'M PWECIOUS DEAF!"
+
+Illustration: "Relapse."
+
+=Squire.= "WHY, PAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, STANDING BY THE WALL OF THE
+PUBLIC-HOUSE? I THOUGHT YOU WERE A TEETOTALLER!"
+
+=Pat.= "YES, YER HONNOR. I'M JUST LISTENIN' TO THEM IMPENITENT BOYS
+DRINKING INSIDE!"
+
+Illustration: "_In Confidence._"
+
+=Hungry Customer.= "'TAINT BAD."
+
+=Chef.= "GLAD YOU LIKE IT; FOR, TO TELL YER THE TRUTH, A'THOUGH I'VE BEEN
+A MAKIN' O' THIS SOUP FOR FIFTEEN YEAR, I AIN'T NEVER TASTED IT
+MYSELF!!"
+
+Illustration: "_The Struggle for Existence._"
+
+=Darwinian Coster= (_to thrifty Housewife_). "WELL, FISH IS DEAR, MUM; YOU
+SEE IT'S A-GETTIN' WERY SCA'CE IN CONSEKENCE O' THESE 'ERE AQUERIUNS!"
+
+Illustration: _A Satisfactory Character._
+
+Mrs. Brisket (_about the Squire's new Bride_). "OH, YES, MUM, SHE COME
+IN 'ERE YESTERDAY, MUM. BLESS YER! A PUFFECT LADY. MUM! DON'T KNOW ONE
+J'INT O' MEAT FROM ANOTHER, MUM!!"
+
+Illustration: _Hard Up on a Wet Day._
+
+=Richard.= "WHAT ARE YOU RINGING FOR, BOB?"
+
+=Robert.= "THE BEEF!"
+
+=Richard.= "YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO EAT BEEF AGAIN, BOB, ARE YOU? WHY IT
+ISN'T HALF-AN-HOUR SINCE BREAKFAST!"
+
+=Robert.= "WELL, I'M NOT EXACTLY HUNGRY, BUT ONE MUST DO SOMETHING!"
+
+Illustration: _Incombinable Elements._
+
+=First Medical Student.= "WHAT ARE YOU SIGHING FOR, JACK?"
+
+Second Ditto. "UGH! I WAS THINKING OF THAT INFERNAL CHEMISTRY CRAM
+TO-MORROW, AND WHAT A DEUCED PRETTY GIRL I SAW IN GOWER STREET JUST
+NOW!!"
+
+Illustration: A Desperate Case!
+
+=First Driver.= "HOW'S POOR BOB?"
+
+=Second Driver.= "OH, HE'S A GOOD DEAL BETTER--TAKES HIS _LOTIONS_ MORE
+REG'LAR----"
+
+=First Driver= (_reassured_). "AH!"
+
+Illustration: "Bon Voyage!"
+
+=Bus-Conductor= (_to Portly Female, who was indignant at having been
+carried a little beyond her destination_). "WELL, THERE Y'ARE, MUM, FUST
+TO YER LEFT. Y'AINT GOT SO VERY FAR TO GO, AND THE _WIND'S AT YER
+BACK_!!"
+
+Illustration: _Personal!_
+
+=Driver= (_impatient_). "NOW THEN, BILL!"
+
+=Conductor.= "O, LOOK ALIVE, PLEASE, M'M! (_To the Driver._) CAN'T HELP
+IT! ALL IN THE 'ANTIQUE' LINE THIS MORNIN'! 'ERE'S THREE MORE ON 'EM!"
+_"'Antique,' indeed! Odious Wretch!" thought one of the parties alluded
+to._
+
+Illustration: "_The Conscience Clause_"
+
+=Rector's Wife.= "AND WHAT'S YOUR FATHER, MY BOY?"
+
+=Boy.= "MY FATHER'S A 'HAGITATOR,' AN' HE SAYS HE WON'T HAVE ME LEARNT NO
+CATECHISM, 'R ELSE YOU'LL ALL OF YER EAR OV IT!"
+
+Illustration: _Education._
+
+=Squire.= "HOBSON, THEY TELL ME YOU'VE TAKEN YOUR BOY AWAY FROM THE
+NATIONAL SCHOOL. WHAT'S THAT FOR?"
+
+=Villager.= "'CAUSE THE MASTER AIN'T FIT TO TEACH UN!"
+
+=Squire.= "O, I'VE HEARD HE'S A VERY GOOD MASTER."
+
+=Villager.= "WELL, ALL I KNOWS IS, HE WANTED TO TEACH MY BOY TO SPELL
+'TATERS' WITH A 'P'!!!"
+
+Illustration: "Exempli Gratia."
+
+=Ancient Mariner= (_to credulous Yachtsman_). "A'MIRAL LORD NELSON! BLESS
+YER, I KNOWED HIM; SERVED UNDER HIM. MANY'S THE TIME I'VE AS'ED HIM FOR
+A BIT O' 'BACCO, AS I MIGHT BE A ASTIN' O' YOU; AND SAYS HE, 'WELL, I
+'AIN'T GOT NO 'BACCO,' JEST AS YOU MIGHT SAY TO ME; 'BUT HERE'S A
+SHILLIN' FOR YER,' SAYS HE"!!
+
+Illustration: Dignity.
+
+=Shipping Clerk.= "ARE YOU THE MATE O' THE '_MAGGIE LAUDER_,' OF
+STONEHAVEN?"
+
+=Mate= (_sternly_). "ASK IF I'M THE FIR-R-R-ST OFFICER, YOUNG MAN, AN'
+MAYBE I'LL GIE YE AN ANSWER!"
+
+Illustration: _A Woman-Hater._
+
+=Spiteful Old Party= (_who is tarring the Stays of the Flagstaff_).
+"STRIPED GOWNDS SEEM ALL THE 'GO' WITH 'EM, EH? (_Chuckles._) I'LL
+STRIPE 'EM! PUT A EXTRA STREAK O' ILE IN, O' PURPOSE--WON'T DRY FOR A
+MONTH! COME LOLLOPIN' ABOUT HERE WITH THEIR CRIN'LYNES AN' TR'INES, THEY
+MUST TAKE THE CONSEKENSES!!"
+
+Illustration: _When You are About it._
+
+=Magister Familias= (_parting with his Butler_). "HERE IS THE LETTER,
+FLANAGAN. I CAN CONSCIENTIOUSLY SAY YOU ARE HONEST AND ATTENTIVE, BUT I
+SHOULD HAVE TO STRETCH A POINT IF I WERE TO SAY YOU ARE SOBER."
+
+=Mr. Flanagan.= "THANK YOU, SOR. BUT WHEN YOU _ARE_ AFTHER STHRITCHIN' A
+POINT, SOR, WOULDN'T YOU, PLASE, STHRITCH IT A LITTLE FURTHER, AND SAY
+I'M _AFTEN_ SOBER!!"
+
+Illustration: _Sympathy._
+
+=Epicurus.= "PAH! O, GOOD GRACIOUS, MIVINS, THAT LAST OYSTER WAS--UGH!"
+
+=Butler= (_with feeling_). "T-T-T-T--DEAR ME! CORKED, SIR?!!"
+
+Illustration: _The Run of the House._
+
+=First Flunkey.= "WON'T YOU COME IN, JOHN, AND TAKE SOMETHING?"
+
+=Second Ditto.= "THANKS, NO; I'LL LOOK YOU UP NEXT WEEK. 'BE ON
+BOARD-WAGES THEN, YOU KNOW!"
+
+Illustration: "_What Next?_"
+
+=Mistress= (_to New Housemaid_). "JANE, I'M QUITE SURPRISED TO HEAR YOU
+CAN'T READ OR WRITE! I'M SURE ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS WOULD GLADLY UNDERTAKE
+TO TEACH YOU----"
+
+=Maid.= "O, LOR', MUM, IF THE YOUNG LADIES WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO LEARN ME
+ANYTHING, I SHOULD SO LIKE TO PLAY THE PIANNER."!!
+
+Illustration: "_The Servants._"
+
+=Cook.= "YES, SUSAN, I'M A WRITIN' TO MARY HANN MIGGS. SHE'VE APPLIED TO
+ME FOR THE CHARICTER OF MY LAST MISSUS, WHICH SHE'S THINKIN' OF TAKIN'
+THE SITIWATION----" =Susan.= "WILL YOU GIVE HER ONE?"
+
+=Cook.= "WELL, I'VE SAID THIS. (_Reads._) 'MRS. PERKSITS PRESENTS HER
+COMPLIMINKS TO MISS MIGGS, AND BEGS TO INFORM HER THAT I CONSIDER MRS.
+BROWN A RESPEK'ABLE YOUNG PERSON, AND ONE AS KNOWS HER DOOTIES; BUT SHE
+CAN'T CONSHESALY RECOMMEND HER TEMPER, WHICH I HAD TO PART WITH HER ON
+THAT ACCOUNT.' IT'S ALLUS BEST TO BE CANDIED, YOU KNOW, SUSAN!"
+
+Illustration: _Quite Superfluous._
+
+=Stout Passenger= (_obstreperously_). "HOY! HOY! HOY!!"
+
+=Bus-Driver.= "ALL RIGHT, SIR, WE CAN SEE YER, SIR; WE CAN SEE YER VITH
+THE NAKED EYE, SIR!"
+
+Illustration: "_Noblesse Oblige._"
+
+=Stodge= (_in answer to the reproachful look of his Cabman_). "WELL, IT'S
+YOUR RIGHT FARE; YOU KNOW THAT AS WELL AS I DO!"
+
+=Cabby.= "OH! WHICH I'M WELL AWARE O' THAT, SIR! BUT----("_more in sorrow
+than in anger_")--AN' YOU A ARTIS', SIR!!"
+
+_Gets another Shilling!_
+
+Illustration: _The Beard Movement._
+
+=Policeman= (_invidiously_). "IT'S PUFFECTLY HOPTIONAL VITH US, YOU KNOW!"
+
+(_"The Hairs them P'licemen give theirselves," John remarked afterwards,
+in the Servants' Hall._)
+
+Illustration: _Too Late._
+
+=Departing Guest.= "BUT MY HAT WAS A BRAN-NEW ONE!"
+
+=Greengrocer= (_Footman for the nonce_). "OH, SIR! THE SECOND-BEST 'ATS A'
+BEEN GONE 'ALF-AN-HOUR AGO, SIR!"
+
+Illustration: _Music in the Midlands._
+
+=Intelligent Youth of Country Town.= "AH SAY, BILL, ULL THAT BE T' ELIJAH
+GOIN' OOP I' THAT BIG BOX?!"
+
+Illustration: _A Perfect Excuse._
+
+=Rector= (_to his Keeper_). "'MORNING, WOODGATE. DIDN'T I SEE YOU AT
+CHURCH YESTERDAY?"
+
+=Keeper= (_apologetically_). "YES, SIR. BUT--I FELT I WAS A DOIN' WRONG
+ALL THE TIME, SIR!"
+
+Illustration: "_Fahrenheit._"
+
+=Rector.= "AH, WE SHALL BE COMFORTABLE THIS MORNING, GRUFFLES, I SEE
+YOU'VE GOT THE TEMPERATURE UP NICELY. SIXTY, I DECLARE!"
+
+=Clerk.= "YES, SIR, I ALLUS HEV A TROUBLE TO GET THAT THING UP. I TOOK AND
+WARMED IT JEST THIS MINUTE!"
+
+Illustration: _Pleasuring!_
+
+=Vicar= (_to Old Lady, who is returning from a Funeral_). "WELL, MARTHA,
+I'M AFRAID YOU'VE HAD A SAD AFTERNOON. IT HAS BEEN A LONG WALK, TOO, FOR
+YOU----"
+
+=Martha.= "SURE-LY, 'TIS, SIR! AH, SIR, 'TAIN'T MUCH PLEASURE NOW FOR ME
+TO GO TO FUNERALS; I BE TOO OLD AND FULL O' RHEUMATIZ. IT WAS VERY
+DIFFERENT WHEN WE WAS YOUNG--THAT 'TWER!!"
+
+Illustration: _Awkward!_
+
+FLITHERS SPENDS HIS CHRISTMAS AT A COUNTRY HOUSE, AND THE FIRST DAY, ON
+THE LADIES LEAVING THE TABLE AFTER DINNER, HE JUMPS UP, AND OPENS THE
+_WRONG DOOR_!!
+
+Illustration: _He Thought He was Safe_
+
+=Irascible Old Gentleman.= "BUY A COMB! WHAT THE DEVIL SHOULD I BUY A COMB
+FOR! YOU DON'T SEE ANY HAIR ON MY HEAD, DO YOU?"
+
+=Unlicensed Hawker.= "LOR' BLESS YER, SIR!--YER DON'T WANT NO 'AIR ON YER
+'EAD FOR A TOOTH-COMB!!"
+
+Illustration: _Hygiene._
+
+=Hearty Old Gentleman= (_to dyspeptic Friend_). "DOESN'T AGREE WITH YOU?!
+OH, I NEVER LET ANYTHING OF THAT SORT BOTHER ME! I ALWAYS EAT WHAT I
+LIKE, AND DRINK WHAT I LIKE, AND FINISH OFF WITH A GOOD STIFF GLASS O'
+GROG AT BED-TIME, AND GO FAST ASLEEP, _AN' LET 'M FIGHT 'T OUT 'MONG
+'MSELVES_!!!"
+
+Illustration: _Considerate Criticism._
+
+=Rustic= (_to his friend_). "WA--AT, THA'S BETTER THAN DOIN' O' NAWTH'N'.
+I S'POOS', GEARGE!!"
+
+Illustration: "_The Finishing Touch!_"
+
+=Farmer= (_who has been most Obliging, and taken great Interest in the
+Picture_). "GOOD MORN'N', SIR! BUT--(_aghast_)--I SAY, WHAT ARE YOU A
+DOIN' OF, MISTER?! A P'INTIN' ALL THEM BEASTLY POPPIES IN MY CORN!--'A
+BIT O' COLOUR?'--WHAT 'OULD MY LANDLORD SAY, D' YOU THINK?--AND AFTER
+I'D PUT OFF CUTTIN' CAUSE YOU HADN'T FINISHED, TO OBLIGE YER, I DIDN'T
+THINK YOU'D A DONE IT! YOU DON'T COME A P'INTIN' ON MY LAND ANY MORE!"
+_Exit, in great dudgeon._
+
+Illustration: _À Fortiori._
+
+=Ticket Collector.= "NOW, THEN, MAKE HASTE! WHERE'S YOUR TICKET?"
+
+=Bandsman= (_refreshed_). "AU'VE LOST IT!"
+
+=Ticket Collector.= "NONSENSE! FEEL IN YOUR POCKETS. YE CANNOT HEV LOST
+IT!"
+
+=Bandsman.= "AW CANNOT?! WHY, MAN, AU'VE LOST THE _BIG DRUM_!"
+
+Illustration: "_Nae That Fou!_"
+
+=Country Gentlemen= (_who thought he'd got such a treasure of a new
+Gardener_). "TUT, TUT, TUT! BLESS MY SOUL, SAUNDERS! HOW--WHAT'S ALL
+THIS? DISGRACEFULLY INTOXICATED AT THIS HOUR OF THE MORNING! AIN'T YOU
+ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?!"
+
+=Saunders.= "'SH-HAMED? (_Hic._) NA, NA, 'M NAE SAE DRUNK AS THAT COMES
+T'! AH KEN VARRA WEEL WHAT A'M ABOOT!!"
+
+Illustration: Hibernian Veracity.
+
+=Paterfamilias= (_with his Family in Ireland_). "HAVE YOU ANY WEST INDIA
+PICKLES, WAITER?"
+
+=Paddy.= "WE'VE NOT, SOR."
+
+=Paterfamilias.= "NO HOT PICKLES OF ANY DESCRIPTION?"
+
+=Paddy.= "NO; SHURE THEY'RE ALL COULD, SOR."
+
+Illustration: Quite Another Thing.
+
+=Paddy= (_the loser_). "ABRAM, G'ALONG! I SAID I'D LAY YOU FOIVE TO WAN,
+BUT I WASN'T GOIN' TO BET MY HA'F-CROWN AGIN YOUR TATH'RIN LITTLE
+SIXPENCE!"
+
+_Exeunt fighting._
+
+Illustration: A Fair Offer.
+
+=Athletic Barman.= "NOW, IF YOU DON'T TAKE YOURSELF OFF, I'LL PRECIOUS
+SOON TURN YOU OUT!"
+
+=Pat= (_with a yell_). "TUR-R-RN ME OUT? IS IT TUR-R-RN ME OUT? THIN,
+BEDAD! COME OUTSIDE, AN' TUR-R-RN ME OUT!!"
+
+Illustration: "The Way We Live Now."
+
+=Swell Coachman= (_with his eye on the Brougham's cockade_). "YOUR GUV'NER
+IN THE ARMY?"
+
+=Brougham= (_artlessly_). "NOT 'ZACTLY IN THE HARMY. BUT MISSIS SAY AS
+THEY SOLD MILINGTARY CUR'OSITIES WHEN THEY KEP' A SHOP IN 'OLBORN!!"
+
+Illustration: Re-Assuring.
+
+=Nervous Old Lady= (_Band in the Distance_). "OH, THERE ARE THOSE DREADFUL
+VOLUNTEERS, JOSEPH! I KNOW THE HORSE WILL TAKE FRIGHT! HADN'T YOU BETTER
+TURN HIM ROUND?!"
+
+=Coachman= (_who will have his own way_). "OH, LET 'IM ALONE, 'M; HE'LL
+TURN 'ISSELF ROUND, AND PRETTY QUICK, TOO, IF HE'S FRIGHTENED!!"
+
+Illustration: Well Meant.
+
+=Shoeblack= (_to daily Customer_). "SUCH A TREAT WE'VE GOT TO-NIGHT, SIR!
+TEA AN' BUNS, AN' SPEECHES AT EXETER 'ALL! WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO GO,
+SIR?"
+
+=City Magnate.= "OH, THEY WOULDN'T LET ME IN, MY BOY."
+
+=Shoeblack.= "UM!" (_Ponders._) "WELL--LOOK 'ERE. I THINK I COULD SMUG YER
+IN AS MY _FATHER_!!"
+
+Illustration: Nature and Art.
+
+=Pedestrian.= "THAT'S AN EXTRAORDINARY LOOKING DOG, MY BOY. WHAT DO YOU
+CALL HIM?"
+
+=Boy.= "FUST OF ALL HE WER' A GREY'OUND, SIR, AN' 'IS NAME WAS 'FLY,' AS'
+THEN THEY CUT 'IS EARS AN' TAIL OFF, AN' MADE A MASTI' DOG ON 'IM, AN'
+NOW 'IS NAME'S 'LION'!"
+
+Illustration: Natural Advantages.
+
+=Teacher.= "WHAT BIRD DID NOAH SEND OUT OF THE ARK?"
+
+=Smallest Boy In the Class= (_after a Pause_). "A DOVE, SIR."
+
+=Teacher.= "VERY WELL. BUT I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT SOME OF YOU BIG BOYS
+WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT!"
+
+=Tall Pupil.= "PLEASE, SIR, THAT BOY OUGHT TO KNOW, SIR, 'CAUSE HIS
+FATHER'S A BIRD-KETCHER, SIR!!!"
+
+Illustration: The Restraints of Society.
+
+=Juvenile Bohemian.= "HATE GOIN' OUT TO TEA! 'HAVE TO BE GOOD SUCH A
+PRECIOUS LONG TIME!!"
+
+Illustration: Simple Addition.
+
+=New Governess.= "WHY ARE YOU STARING SO INTENTLY, BLANCHE, DEAR?"
+
+=Blanche.= "I WAS TRYING TO COUNT THE FRECKLES ON YOUR FACE, MISS
+SANDYPOLE, BUT I CAN'T!"
+
+Illustration: Secrets.
+
+=Intelligent Housemaid.= "OH, PLEASE, MISS, THERE WAS A YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+CALLED WHEN YOU WAS OUT. HE DIDN'T LEAVE NO CARD, MISS; BUT I CAN SHOW
+YOU WHO HE IS, 'CAUSE THERE'S THREE OF HIS PHOTYGRAPHS IN YOUR ALBUM."
+
+Illustration: "A Parthian Shaft."
+
+=Cook.= "NOW, I'M A LEAVIN' OF YER, M'UM, I MAY AS WELL TELL YER AS THE
+KEY O' THE KITCHING-DOOR FITS YOUR STORE-ROOM!"
+
+Illustration: Sweet Simplicity.
+
+=Visitor.= "JANE, HAS YOUR MISTRESS GOT A BOOT-JACK?"
+
+=Maid-of-all-Work.= "NO, SIR; PLEASE, SIR, I CLEAN ALL THE BOOTS, SIR!"
+
+
+Illustration: Master of the Situation?!
+
+SCENE--_Mr. Tethershort's Sanctum._ ENTER _Mrs. T. and her Cook._
+
+=Cook= (_with her usual promptitude--SHE never kept anybody waiting_).
+"OH, IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, I WISH TO COMPLAIN OF MISSIS! WHICH SHE COME A
+DICTATERIN' AND A HINTERFERIN' IN YOUR KITCHING IN A WAY AS I'M SURE YOU
+WOULDN'T APPROVE ON," &C., &C., &C.!!
+
+_T. confesses he felt (for the first and last time) a delicious
+sensation of being apparently master in his own house. She was an
+admirable Cook, and altogether a most excell---- BUT HOWEVER SHE HAD TO
+GO_!
+
+Illustration: Manners!
+
+=Young Mistress.= "JANE, I'M SURPRISED THAT NONE OF YOU STOOD UP WHEN I
+WENT INTO THE KITCHEN JUST NOW!"
+
+=Jane.= "INDEED, MUM! WHICH WE WAS SU'PRISED OURSELVES AT YOUR A COMIN'
+INTO THE KITCHING WHILE WE WAS A 'AVIN' OUR _LUNCHEONS_!!"
+
+Illustration: A Regular Turk!
+
+=Adjutant.= "WELL, SERGEANT, HOW'S YOUR PRISONER GETTING ON?"
+
+=Sergeant of the Guard.= "BEDAD, SOR, HE'S THE VI'LENTEST BLAGGYARD I IVER
+HAD TO DO WID! WE'RE ALL IN TIRROR IV OUR LOIVES! SHURE WE'RE OBLIGED TO
+FEED HIM WID FIXED BAY'NITS!"
+
+Illustration: "Incidit in Scyllam," &c.
+
+=Ensign Muffles= (_alluding to his Moustache_). "YOU SEE, SOME SAY, 'WEAR
+IT,' YOU KNOW; AND SOME SAY, 'CUT IT OFF,' YOU KNOW; BUT IF I TOOK
+EVERYBODY'S ADVICE I SHOULD BE LIKE THE OLD MAN AND HIS DONKEY."
+
+=Sergeant O'Rourke.= "YOUR'R HON'RR WOULD--(BUT NOT WISHING TO BE PERSONAL
+ABOUT HIS OFFICER'S AGE) THAT IS--LASTE-WAYS,--BARRIN THE OULD MAN, YOUR
+HON-R-R-R!!!"
+
+Illustration: What H. M. Civil Servants have to Endure.
+
+(BESIDES THE RIDICULOUSLY LOW SALARIES.)
+
+=Mr. Registrar.= "WHAT'S THE NUMBER OF YOUR DEED, SIR?"
+
+=Attorney's Clerk.= "H-eight, H-ought H-eight, H-ought, Sevin, Sir!"
+
+=Mr. Registrar= (_faintly_). "OH DEAR! OH DEAR!--(NOTES DOWN THE
+NUMBER)--THAT WILL DO."
+
+_And is so upset that he takes a month's holiday on the spot._
+
+Illustration: Curious.
+
+=English Tourist= (_in Ireland_). "TELL ME, WAITER, AT WHAT HOUR DOES THE
+FIRST TRAIN LEAVE FOR CLONMEL?"
+
+=Waiter.= "IS IT THE FURRST THRAIN, SOR? I'M NOT RIGHTLY SHURE. THE NOINE
+THRAIN UP USED TO LAVE AT HA'F-PAST NOINE--BUT FAIX IT GOES AT TIN NOW,
+AND THERE'S NO FURRST THRAIN NOW AT ALL AT ALL. BUT I'LL AX AT THE BAR,
+SORR!!"
+
+Illustration: Anything for a Change.
+
+=Artist= (_to Old Fellow-Student_). "AND WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL
+THESE YEARS,--WHAT ARE YOU PAINTING?"
+
+=Swell.= "OH, I GAVE UP PAINTING, MY DEAR FELLOW--THEN I TOOK TO TEACHING!
+BUT YOU CAN'T FIND PUPILS IN GENIUS, YOU KNOW, SO NOW I GO IN FOR ART
+CRITICISM! I KNOW I'M STRONG IN THAT! DID YOU SEE MY ARTICLE IN THIS
+WEEK'S 'NOW A DAYS?'"
+
+Illustration: Appearances.
+
+=Plushington.= "I SAY, STODGE, SINGULAR THING--YOUR LANDLADY ADDRESSED ME
+'MY LORD' WHEN I ASKED IF YOU WERE WITHIN!"
+
+=Artist.= "NOT AT ALL, MY DEAR FELLOW. IT'S YOUR HAT AND PERSONAL
+APPEARANCE! IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE'LL ENCOURAGE THE IDEA. IT WILL GIVE
+HER CONFIDENCE IN ME, AND----EH?"
+
+_Plushington will be delighted._
+
+Illustration: From One Point of View.
+
+SCENE--_British Jury Room. All agreed on their Verdict except_----
+
+=Irish Juryman= (_who holds out_). "AH, THIN, ILIV'N MORE OBSTINIT' MEN I
+NIVIR MET IN ALL ME LOIFE!!"
+
+Illustration: Our Art-School Conversazione
+
+AT WHICH (IN CONSEQUENCE OF THE INCREASED SPACE ANTICIPATED AT THE R. A.
+EXHIBITION) THERE IS A GREATER CROWD THAN USUAL.
+
+=Model= (_who has charge of the Hats and Coats_). "NO. 97? YESSIR. THERE
+NOW! IF I DIDN'T SEE THAT 'AT--AH--NOT A QUARTER OF AN HOUR AGO!!"
+
+_Not a very satisfactory look-out for Bouncefield, who has barely time
+to catch his last train!_
+
+Illustration: Between Two Shoeblacks We Fall to, &c.
+
+=First Shoeblack.= "I COTCHED 'OLD ON 'IM FUST!"
+
+=Second Ditto.= "YOU'RE A ----!"
+
+_Old Gentleman is flung heavily._
+
+Illustration: Im-pertinent.
+
+=Stout Gent.= (_naturally suspicious of the Street Boy_). "GE' OUT O' MY
+WAY, YOU YOUNG RASCAL!"
+
+=Street Boy.= "VICH VAY ROUND, GOV'NOUR?"
+
+Illustration: Register! Register!!
+
+=Aunt Sophy.= "NOW SUPPOSE, GEORGE, AS A SINGLE WOMAN I SHOULD HAVE MY
+NAME PUT ON THE REGISTER, WHAT SHOULD I GET BY IT?"
+
+=Pet Nephew.= "OH, A GOOD DEAL. YOU'D BE ALLOWED TO SERVE ON CORONER
+JURIES, COMMON JURIES, ANNOYANCE JURIES, PAY POWDER TAX AND ARMORIAL
+BEARINGS, ACT AS PARISH BEADLE AND NIGHT CONSTABLE OF THE CASUAL WARD,
+AND INSPECTOR OF NUISANCES, REPORT ON FEVER DISTRICTS, AND ALL JOLLY
+THINGS OF THAT SORT."
+
+Illustration: "Not Proven."
+
+=Presbyterian Minister.= "DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S WICKED TO CATCH FISH ON THE
+SAWBATH!?"
+
+=Small Boy= (_not having had a rise all the Morning_). "WHA'S CATCHIN'
+FESH?!"
+
+Illustration: An Evening's Fishing (Behind the Distillery at Sligo).
+
+=First Factory Lad.= "DOM'NICK, DID YOU GET E'ER A BITE AT ALL?"
+
+=Second Ditto.= "SORRA WAN, PAT. ONLY WAN SMALL WAN!"
+
+=First Ditto.= "YERRAD! LAVE IT THERE, AN' COME HOME. SHURE
+YOU'LL GET MORE THAN THAT IN BED!"
+
+Illustration: "The Harp in the Air."
+
+=Irish Gentleman= (_who has vainly endeavoured to execute a Jig to the
+fitful Music of the Telegraph Wires_). "SHURE! WHOIVER Y'ARE YE CAN'T
+PLAY A BIT! HOW CAN A JINTLEMAN DANCE--(_hic!_)--IV YE DON'T KAPE
+THIME?"!!
+
+Illustration: Irish Ideal of Themis.
+
+=Biddy= (_to Pat in charge about a difficulty_). "NEVER FEAR, PAT! SHURE
+Y'AVE GOT AN UPRIGHT JIDGE TO THRY YE!"
+
+=Pat.= "AH, BIDDY DARLIN', THE DIVEL AN UPRIGHT JIDGE I WANT! 'TIS WONE
+THAT'LL _LANE_ A LITTLE!!"
+
+Illustration: "Canny."
+
+=First North Briton.= "'T'S A FINE DAY, THIS?"
+
+=Second Ditto.= "NO ILL, AVA."
+
+=First North Briton.= "YE'LL BE TRAVELLIN'?"
+
+=Second Ditto.= "WEEL, MAYBE I'M NO."
+
+=First North Briton.= "GAUN T'ABERDEEN, MAYBE?"
+
+=Second Ditto.= "YE'RE NO FAUR AFF'T!!"
+
+_Mutually satisfied, each goes his respective way._
+
+Illustration: _Irish Architecture._
+
+=Angler= (_in Ireland_). "HULLO, PAT, WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT NOW?"
+
+=Pat.= "SHURE, I'M RAISIN' ME ROOF A BIT, YER HONOUR-R!!"
+
+Illustration: _Thrift_.
+
+=Peebles Body= (_to Townsman who was supposed to be in London on a
+visit_). "E--EH, MAC! YE'RE SUNE HAME AGAIN!"
+
+=Mac.= "E--EH, IT'S JUST A RUINOUS PLACE, THAT! MUN, A HAD NA' BEEN
+THE-ERRE ABUNE TWA HOOURS WHEN--_BANG_--WENT _SAXPENCE_!!!"
+
+Illustration: _Scruples._
+
+=English Tourist= (_having arrived at Greenock on Sunday morning_). "MY
+MAN, WHAT'S YOUR CHARGE FOR ROWING ME ACROSS THE FRITH?"
+
+=Boatman.= "WEEL, SIR, I WAS JIST THINKIN' I CANNA BREAK THE SAWBATH-DAY
+FOR NO LESS THAN F'FTEEN SHULL'N'S!!"
+
+Illustration: A Bad Season.
+
+=Sportsman.= "I CAN ASSURE YOU, WHAT WITH THE RENT OF THE MOOR, AND MY
+EXPENSES, AND 'WHAT NOT,' THE BIRDS HAVE COST ME--AH--A SOVEREIGN
+APIECE!!"
+
+=Keeper.= "A' weel, Sir! 'Deed it's a Maircy ye didna Kill na mair o'
+'em!!"
+
+Illustration: "Familiarity breeds Contempt."
+
+=Keeper= (_who wants to drive the Pheasants to the Squire's corner_).
+"HOOO-O-O-SH! HERE, BILL, COME HERE! THEY 'ON'T GET UP FOR ME! THEY KNOW
+ME TOO WELL!"
+
+Illustration: Intelligent!
+
+=Artist= (_who thinks he has found a good Model for his TOUCHSTONE_.)
+"HAVE YOU ANY SENSE OF HUMOUR, MR. BINGLES?"
+
+=Model.= "THANK Y' SIR, NO, SIR, THANK Y'. I ENJ'YS PRETTY GOOD 'EALTH,
+SIR, THANK Y' SIR!"
+
+Illustration: The "Nimble Ninepence."
+
+=City Gent= (_after a critical Inspection_). "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR THAT
+MOONLIGHT?"
+
+=Picture-Dealer.= "I'LL SHELL YER THE TWO A BARGAIN, SHIR! CHEAP ASH DIRT,
+SHIR! SHEVENTY-FIVE GUINEASH APEICSHE, SHIR! I'LL WARRANT 'EM UNDOUBTED
+SMETHERS'S. SHEVENTY-FIVE----"
+
+=City Gent.= "O, COME, I DON'T MIND GIVING YOU--THIRTY SHILLINGS FOR THE
+PAIR."
+
+=Picture-Dealer= (_closing with alacrity_). "DONE! WITH YOU, SHIR!!"
+
+_City Gent is in for 'em!_
+
+Illustration: Menace.
+
+=Little Angler= (_to her refractory Bait_). "KEEP STILL, YOU TIRESOME
+LITTLE THING! IF YOU DON'T LEAVE OFF SKRIGGLING, I'LL THROW YOU AWAY,
+AND TAKE ANOTHER!"
+
+Illustration: "A Thing of Beauty."
+
+=Visitor.= "WELL, GEORGE, AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN TO BE, WHEN YOU HAVE GROWN
+UP?"
+
+=George= (_promptly_). "AN ARTIST!"
+
+=Visitor.= "WELL, THEN, YOU SHALL PAINT MY PORTRAIT."
+
+=George.= "AH! BUT I MEAN TO PAINT PRETTY THINGS!!"
+
+Illustration: Mixed Pickles.
+
+=Domestic= (_in terrified accents_). "O, MUM, HERE'S MASTER PLANTAG'N'T,
+'M, HAS BEEN AND BROKE HIS GRAN'PA'S INK-BOTTLE IN THE LIB'ARY, AND CUT
+HIS FINGER DREADFUL, 'M!!"
+
+=Grandmamma's Darling= (_gleefully alluding to his Nasal Organ_). "AND GOT
+A MARBLE UP BY DOZE, GRA'DBA'!!"
+
+Illustration: The Trials of a District Visitor.
+
+=The Honourable Miss Fuzbuz= (_loq._). "IS MRS. HIGGINS WITHIN?"
+
+=Mrs. Tomkins.= "I'LL CALL 'ER, M'UM." (_At the top of her Voice._) "MRS.
+'IG----GINS! ERE'S THE PERSON WITH THE TRAC'S!" (_To the Honourable
+Miss._) "THE LADY WILL BE DOWN PRESENTLY, M'UM!!"
+
+Illustration: Legitimate Criticism.
+
+=Aged Village Matron= (_to Sympathising Visitor_). "IT'S A 'COOKERY BOOK,'
+AS MRS. PENEWISE, OUR 'DISTRICT LADY,' GIVE ME THIS CHRISTMAS, MISS. I'D
+A DEAL SOONER A' HAD THE INGRIDDIMENTS, MISS!!"
+
+Illustration: "The Servants."
+
+=Old Lady.= "THEY'RE ALL ALIKE, MY DEAR. THERE'S OUR SUSAN (IT'S TRUE
+SHE'S A DISSENTER), BUT I'VE ALLOWED HER TO GO TO CHAPEL THREE TIMES
+EVERY SUNDAY SINCE SHE HAS LIVED WITH ME, AND I ASSURE YOU SHE DOESN'T
+COOK A BIT BETTER THAN SHE DID THE FIRST DAY!!"
+
+Illustration: Pleasant for Simpkins!
+
+=Photographer= (_to Mr. Simpkins_). "KEEP YOUR HEAD STEADY, PLEASE, SIR,
+AND LOOK IN THE DIRECTION OF THOSE YOUNG LADIES. STEADY NOW, SIR! DON'T
+WINK, SIR!"
+
+=Mrs. S.= (_by a look that Mr. S. quite understood_). "JUST LET ME SEE HIM
+WINK!!"
+
+Illustration: A Misnomer.
+
+=Country Valetudinarian.= "AH YES, MU'M, I'VE HAD THE 'LUMBAGER TURR'BLE
+BAD, MU'M! 'KETCHES ME IN THE _SMALL_ O' THE BACK 'ERE, MU'M!!"
+
+Illustration: "Winkles!"
+
+=Philanthropic Coster'= (_who has been crying "Perry-wink--wink--wink!"
+till he's hoarse--and no buyers_). "I WONDER WHAT THE P'OR UNFORT'NATE
+CREETERS IN THESE 'ERE LOW NEIGHB'R'OODS DO LIVE ON!!"
+
+Illustration: "The Last (Co-operative) Feather."
+
+'=My Lady.=' "JUST TAKE AND TIE UP A COUPLE OF THOSE SACKS BEHIND THE
+CARRIAGE, JAMES. THERE'LL BE ROOM, IF ONE OF YOU RIDES ON THE BOX!!"
+
+Illustration: Disaffection!
+
+=Adjutant.= "What's the Matter, Drum-Major?"
+
+=Drum-Major.= "Please, Sir, the Drums is in a state of Mutiny, and these
+are the Ringleaders!!"
+
+Illustration: Zoology.
+
+=Railway Porter= (_to Old Lady travelling with a Menagerie of Pets_).
+"'STATION MASTER SAY, MUM, AS CATS IS 'DOGS,' AND RABBITS IS 'DOGS,' AND
+SO'S PARROTS; BUT THIS ERE 'TORTIS' IS A INSECT, SO THERE AIN'T NO
+CHARGE FOR IT!"
+
+Illustration: Extortion.
+
+=Porter, S. E. R.= "TICKET FOR MUSICAL INSTRUMENT, PLEASE, SIR."
+
+=Amateur Violoncellist= (_who never travels without his bass,
+indignantly_). "WHAT! PAY FOR THIS? I'VE NEVER HAD TO PAY ON ANY OTHER
+LINE. THIS IS MY 'CELLO!"
+
+=Porter= (_calmly_). "NOT PERSONAL LUGGAGE, SIR. ALL THE SAME IF YOU'D A
+HURDY-GURDY, SIR!!"
+
+_Our Amateur's feelings are too much for him._
+
+Illustration: "Any Ornaments for your Fire-Stoves?"
+
+=Little Flora= (_in great distress_). "OH, MAMMA, LOOK HERE! JACK SAYS
+IT'S AUNT FANNY! SHE'S GOT ON HER BEAUTIFUL BALL-DRESS WITH THE ROSES ON
+IT, AND SHE'S _STUCK IN THE CHIMNEY_!"
+
+Illustration: Compliments of the Season.
+
+=Fond Parent.= "I HOPE YOU WILL BE VERY CAREFUL, MR. STIMPSON. I HAVE
+ALWAYS BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO CUT THEIR HAIR MYSELF."
+
+=Mr. Stimpson.= "SO I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT, MADAM!"
+
+Illustration: On the Face of It.
+
+=Pretty Teacher.= "NOW, JOHNNY WELLS, CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT IS MEANT BY A
+MIRACLE?"
+
+=Johnny.= "YES, TEACHER. MOTHER SAYS IF YOU DUN'T MARRY NEW PARSON, 'TWULL
+BE A MURRACLE!"
+
+Illustration: Obvious Initiative.
+
+(_A lively Native of the Deep Sea seizes hold of a Shepherd's Dog by the
+Tail, who makes off as fast as he can._)
+
+=Fishmonger= (_in a rage_). "WHUSTLE ON YER DOG, MUN!"
+
+=Highlander= (_coolly_). "WHUSTLE ON M' DOG? NA, NA, FRIEND! WHUSTLE YOU
+ON YOUR _PARTAN_!!"
+
+Illustration: Driving a Bargain.
+
+=Economical Drover.= "A TEECK'T TAE FAA'KIRK."
+
+=Polite Clerk.= "FIVE-AND-NINEPENCE, PLEASE."
+
+=Drover.= "AH'LL GIE YE FIVE SHILLINGS!"
+
+=Clerk= (_astonished_). "EH!"
+
+=Drover=. "WEEL, AH'LL GIE YE FIVE-AN'-THRIPPENCE, AN' DEIL A BAWBEE MAIR!
+IS'T A BARGAIN?!"
+
+Illustration: Candid.
+
+=Tam= (_very dry, at door of Country Inn, Sunday Morning_). "AYE, MAN, YE
+MICHT GIE ME A BIT GILL OOT IN A BOTTLE!"
+
+=Landlord= (_from within_). "WEEL, YE KEN, TAMMAS, I DAURNA SELL ONYTHING
+THE DAY. AND FORBYE YE GOT A HALF-MUTCHKIN AWA' WI' YE LAST NICHT (AFTER
+HOORS TAE); IT CANNA BE A' DUNE YET!"
+
+=Tam.= "DUNE! LOSH, MAN, D'YE THINK A' COULD SLEEP AN' WHUSKEY I' THE
+HOOSE?!"
+
+Illustration: An Irish Model.
+
+=Mrs. Magillicuddy= (_to her Daughter_). "WHY, WHY, ROSEEN! WHAT'S BEEN
+DELAYIN' YE? WHY! AND ME WAITIN' THIS HOUR PAST TO COME IN WID THE
+MILK!"
+
+=Rose.= "O, SURE, THIN, MOTHER DEAR, ON ME WAY BACK FROM THE MEADA' I MET
+SUCH A DARLIN' ENGLISH JINTLEMAN--A RALE ARTIST. WHY, AND HE AXED ME TO
+ALLOW HIM TO TAKE ME LANDSKIP; AND O, MOTHER MAVRONE, IT'S A WONDER HOW
+LIKE ME HE'S MED IT, GLORY BE TO THE SAINTS!"
+
+Illustration: A Benediction!
+
+=Irish Beggarwoman= (_to our friend, Dr. O'Gorman, whose Nose is of the
+shortest_). "WON'T YE GIVE ME A COPPER, DOCTHER DEAR? THEY, NOW, IF YE
+HAVEN'T WAN PENNY CONVANIENT!--AND MAY THE BLISSED SAINTS INCRASE YE!"
+
+=Dr. O'Gorman.= "STAND ASIDE, MY GOOD WOMAN. I'VE NOTHING FOR YOU."
+
+=Beggarwoman.= "O, THIN, THE LARD PRESARVE YER EYESIGHT, FOR THE DIVIL A
+NOSE YE HAVE TO MOUNT THE 'SPECS' UPON!!"
+
+Illustration: Mrs. Frummage's Birthday Dinner-Party.
+
+=Mrs. F.= ("_coming from behind the Screen, sneakin' just like her_").
+"THERE! OH YOU GOODFORNOTHING BOY, NOW I'VE FOUND YOU OUT. HOW DARE YOU
+TOUCH THE WINE, SIR?"
+
+=Robert.= "PLEASE 'M, I WAS--I WAS ONLY JUST A GOIN' TO WISH YOURS AN'
+MASTER'S WERY GOOD 'EALTH 'M!"
+
+Illustration: Confession.
+
+=Old Lady= (_who can't stand her Page's destructive carelessness any
+longer_). "NOW, ROBERT, I WANT YOU CLEARLY TO UNDERSTAND THE REASON I
+PART WITH YOU. CAN YOU TELL ME?"
+
+=Robert= (_affected to tears_). "YES, 'M."
+
+=Old Lady.= "WHAT, ROBERT?"
+
+=Robert.= "'CAUSE I'M--(_SNIFF_)--'CAUSE I'M--'CAUSE I'M _SO UGLY_!!"
+
+Illustration: A Stroke of Business.
+
+=Village Hampden= (_"who with dauntless breast" has undertaken, for
+sixpence, to keep off the other boys_). "IF ANY OF YER WANTS TO SEE WHAT
+WE'RE A PAINTIN' OF, IT'S A 'ALFPENNY A 'EAD, BUT YOU MARN'T MAKE NO
+REMARKS."
+
+Illustration: Proper Reproof.
+
+=Fussy Party.= "WHY DON'T YOU TOUCH YOUR HAT TO ME, BOY?"
+
+=Country Boy.= "SO I WUL I' YEAOU'LL HOWD THE CA-ALF!"
+
+Illustration: Little and Good.
+
+=Gentleman.= "WHO DO THESE PIGS BELONG TO, BOY?"
+
+'=Chaw.=' "WHY, THIS 'ERE OWD ZOW."
+
+=Gentleman.= "YES, YES; BUT I MEAN WHO'S THEIR MASTER?"
+
+'=Chaw.=' "WHY, THAT THERE LITTLE 'UN; HE'S A VARMUN TO FOIGHT!"
+
+Illustration: "Mistakes Will Happen."
+
+=Mamma= (_alarmed_). "WHAT IS IT, MY DARLING?"
+
+=Pet.= "YA--AH, BOO--OOH--AH!"
+
+=Mamma.= "WHAT'S THE MATTER, THEN? COME AND TELL ITS OWN----"
+
+=Pet.= "BA--H-OO-H--SHE--SHE DID--WASH ME ONCE--AN'--SAYS--SHE
+DIDN'T--AN'--SHE'S BEEN--AN' GONE AN' WASHED ME OVER AGAIN!!"
+
+Illustration: Brushing Pa's New Hat.
+
+=Edith.= "NOW, TOMMY, YOU KEEP TURNING SLOWLY, TILL WE'VE DONE IT ALL
+ROUND."
+
+Illustration: More Than One for His Nob.
+
+=Irritable Old Gentleman= (_who is rather particular about his
+appearance_). "I WISH YOU'D BE CAREFUL. THAT'S THE THIRD OR FOURTH TIME
+YOU'VE PRICKED ME WITH YOUR SCISSORS!"
+
+=Young Man= (_from "Round the Corner"_). "BEG YER PARDON, SIR, BUT THE
+FACT IS, SIR, I 'AVEN'T BEEN IN THE 'ABIT O' CUTTIN' 'AIR, SIR. WE'RE
+RATHER SHORT OF 'ANDS, SO----"
+
+_Old Gent explodes._
+
+Illustration: A Passage of Arms.
+
+=Hairdresser.= "'AIR'S VERY DRY, SIR!"
+
+=Customer= (_who knows what's coming_). "I LIKE IT DRY!"
+
+=Hairdresser= (_after awhile, again advancing to the attack_). "'EAD'S
+VERY SCURFY, SIR!"
+
+=Customer= (_still cautiously retiring_). "YA-AS, I PREFER IT SCURFY!"
+
+_Assailant gives in defeated_
+
+Illustration: Flunkeianum.
+
+=Master.= "THOMPSON, I BELIEVE THAT I HAVE REPEATEDLY EXPRESSED AN
+OBJECTION TO BEING SERVED WITH STALE BREAD AT DINNER. HOW IS IT MY
+WISHES HAVE NOT BEEN ATTENDED TO?"
+
+=Thompson.= "WELL, SIR, I REELY DON'T KNOW WHAT IS TO BE DONE! IT WON'T DO
+TO WASTE IT, AND WE _CAN'T_ EAT IT DOWN-STAIRS!!"
+
+Illustration: _A Dilemma._
+
+=Auxiliary Recruit= (_to himself_). "MURDER! MURDER! WHAT'LL I DO NOW?
+'DRILL-SARJINT TOULD ME ALWAYS TO SALUTE ME OFFICER WID THE FAR-OFF
+HAND, AND HERE'S TWO IV EM! FAIX, I'LL MAKE IT STRAIGHT FOR MESELF
+ANYHOW!"
+
+_Throws up both Hands._
+
+Illustration: _Lessons in the Vacation._
+
+=Public School-man.= "HE-AR, CABBY, WE'LL GIVE YOU EIGHTEEN-PENCE TO TAKE
+US TO BRIXTON."
+
+=Cabby.= "WELL, I GENERALLY DO CARRY CHILDREN 'ALF PRICE, BUT I'M ENGAGED
+THIS MORNING, GENTS!"
+
+Illustration: Wimbledon.
+
+=The Irrepressible 'Arry= (_to Swell--Small-bore Man--who has just
+fired_). "YA--AH! NEVER 'IT IT!!"
+
+Illustration: Wimbledon.
+
+=Volunteer Mounted Officer= (_Midnight_). "HULLO HERE! WHY DON'T YOU TURN
+OUT THE GUARD? I'M THE FIELD-OFFICER OF THE DAY!"
+
+=Volunteer Sentry.= "THEN WHAT THE DEUCE ARE YOU DOIN' OUT THIS TIME O'
+NIGHT?"
+
+Illustration: A Hardship.
+
+=Mistress.= "I THINK, ELIZABETH, I MUST ASK YOU TO GO TO CHURCH THIS
+AFTERNOON INSTEAD OF THIS MORNING, BECAUSE----"
+
+=Elizabeth= (_indignantly_). "WELL, MUM, WHICH IN MY LAST PLACE I WAS
+NEVER AS'ED TO GO AN' 'EAR A CURATE PREACH!"
+
+Illustration: "Like her Impudence."
+
+=Missis and the Young Ladies= (_together_). "GOODNESS GRACIOUS, J'MIMA!
+WHAT HAVE YOU----_WHERE'S_ YOUR CR'N'LIN?" (_This word snappishly._)
+
+=Jemima.= "OH 'M, PLEASE 'M, WHICH I UNDERSTOOD AS THEY WAS A GOIN' OUT,
+'M----"
+
+_Receives warning on the spot._
+
+Illustration: "Too Bad!"
+
+=Comic Man= (_in an audible Whisper, while his Friend is "obliging" with
+"Adelaide"_). "LOOK OUT! HE'S COMING TO THE PASSIONATE PART NOW. YOU'LL
+SEE HIM WAG HIS SHOULDERS!"
+
+Illustration: "It's the Pace that Kills."
+
+=Miss Rattleton= (_who means Waltzing_). "OH, I DID NOT SAY 'STOP,' MR.
+PLUMPLEY."
+
+=Mr. Plumpley= (_utterly blown, in gasps_). "'MSURE YOU--MUSTBETIRED----"
+
+_And joins the Card-players._
+
+Illustration: The Gamut.
+
+=Jack Bowbell= (_beginning his Song_). "'APPY LAND, 'APPY LAND----"
+
+=Tom Belgrave.= "ONE MOMENT--EXCUSE ME, MY DEAR FELLOW--BUT DON'T YOU
+THINK THE SONG WOULD GO BETTER IF YOU WERE TO SOUND YOUR _H_'S JUST A
+LITTLE?"
+
+=Jack Bowbell.= "EH? SOUND MY _H_'S?" (_Chuckles._) "SHOWS HOW MUCH YOU
+KNOW ABOUT MUSIC!--NO SUCH NOTE--ONLY GOES UP TO _G_!" (_Continues._)
+"'APPY LAND, 'APPY LAND----"
+
+Illustration: _Garrison Instruction._
+
+=Instructor= (_lecturing_). "GENTLEMEN, A THREE-LEGGED TRESTLE IS A
+TRESTLE WITH THREE LEGS. YOU HAD BETTER MAKE A NOTE OF THAT, GENTLEMEN."
+(_Intense scribbling._)
+
+=General in Embryo= (_but not at present noted for smartness_), _after a
+pause of some Minutes_. "I BEG YOUR PARDON, MAJOR, BUT HOW MANY LEGS DID
+YOU SAY THE TRESTLE HAD?" (_Left sitting._)
+
+Illustration: Cavalry Criticism.
+
+=Adjutant= (_to Riding-Master_). "AH, THERE'S MR. QUICKSTEP!" (_Who had
+just Exchanged into the Regiment from the Infantry_.) "HOW DOES HE GET
+ON?"
+
+=Riding-Master=. "WELL, SIR, I THINK HE'S THE HOSSIEST GEN'LEMAN AFUT--AND
+THE FUTTIEST GEN'LEMAN ON A HOS THAT EVER I'VE MET WITH SINCE I'VE BEEN
+IN THE REG'MENT!"
+
+Illustration: "_The Way we Had in the Army._"
+
+=Colonel= (_of the pre-Examination period--to studious Sub_). "I SAY,
+YOUNGSTER, YOU'LL NEVER MAKE A SOLDIER IF YOU DON'T MIND WHAT YOU'RE
+ABOUT!"
+
+=Sub= (_mildly_). "I SHOULD BE SORRY TO THINK THAT, SIR!"
+
+=Colonel.= "I SAW YOU SNEAKING UP THE HIGH STREET YESTERDAY, LOOKING LIKE
+A METHODIST PARSON IN REDUCED CIRCUMSTANCES!--HOLD UP YOUR HEAD, SIR!
+BUY A STICK, SIR! SLAP YOUR LEG, SIR! AND STARE AT THE GIRLS AT THE
+WINDOWS!"
+
+Illustration: "An Officer and a Gentleman!"
+
+=Volunteer Captain= (_bumptiously_). "OFFICER'S TICKET!"
+
+=Considerate Clerk=. "GOVER'MENT TARIFF'S HIGH ON THIS LINE, SIR. YOU'D
+BETTER GO AS A GENTLEMAN! CHEAPER!"
+
+_The Captain is shocked, loses his presence of mind, and takes advantage
+of the suggestion_.
+
+Illustration: "The Service going to, &c.!"
+
+ENSIGN BROWN SHARES A TENT AT WIMBLEDON WITH HIS FRIEND JONES, PRIVATE
+IN THE SAME COMPANY.
+
+=Ensign Brown=. "OH, I SAY, JO--MR. JONES, THERE'S ONE OF THOSE PEGS
+LOOSE. HEM--WILL YOU--I WISH--JUST JUMP OUT, AND MAKE IT FAST!"
+
+=Private Jones=. "OH, HANG IT, BR--MR. BROWN! COME, I DON'T MIND TOSSING
+YOU!!"
+
+Illustration: Presence of Mind.
+
+=Constables= (_in chorus_). "HOY! HULLO! STOP! TURN BACK THERE! CAN'T COME
+THROUGH THE PARK!"
+
+=Elderly Female= (_in a hurry to catch a train_). "P'LICEMAN, I'M THE
+_'OME SECRETARY_!!!"
+
+=Sergeant of Police= (_taken aback_). "OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON, I'M SURE,
+MUM! ALL RIGHT--DRIVE ON, CABBY!"
+
+_Old Lady saves the train._
+
+Illustration: "Bric à Brac."
+
+=Mamma=    }           {                     {SAM!"
+           }_together_ {"GOODNESS, GRACIOUS, {
+=Daughters=}           {                     {PA'!"
+
+=Papa= (_who has a passion for Antiques_). "MY DEARS, I THOUGHT IT WOULD
+DO SO NICELY FOR THE LANDING AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS, EH."
+
+Illustration: Encouraging.
+
+=First Bystander= (_evidently Village Schoolmaster--ignorant set of people
+generally!_). "DON'T SEEM TO BE MAKING MUCH OF IT, DO 'E?"
+
+=Second Bystander= (_you'd have thought him an intelligent Farmer, by the
+look of him_). "AMMY-TOOR, SEEMIN'LY!!"
+
+Illustration: "Fine Art."
+
+=Rural Connoisseur.= "HE'S A P'INTIN' TWO PICTUR'S AT ONCE, D' YER SEE?
+'BLEST IF I DON'T LIKE THAT THERE LITTLE 'UN AS HE'S GOT HIS THUMB
+THROUGH, THE BEST!"
+
+Illustration: _Our Reserves._
+
+(AUXILIARY FORCES, NORTH OF IRELAND.)
+
+=Last Joined Supernumerary.= "NOW, THEN, SENTRY, WHY DON'T YOU SALUTE YOUR
+OFFICER?"
+
+=Militia Sentry= (_old Yankee Irish Veteran, who has been through the
+"Secesh" War_). "SALUTE, IS IT? DIVEL A SALUTE YOU'LL GET ONTILL YE PAY
+YER FUTTIN'!!"
+
+Illustration: _Badinage._
+
+=Facetious 'Bus-Driver= (_offering to pull up_). "'ERE Y'ARE, SIR. LOOK
+SHARP, BILL AND 'ELP THE GEN'LEMAN IN WITH HIS LUGGAGE!"
+
+=Chimney-Sweep= (_whose self-respect is hurt_) _uses strong language!_
+
+='Bus-Driver.= "BEG PARD'N, SIR. GEN'LEMAN AIN'T FOR US, BILL. HE'S A
+LOOKIN' OUT FOR A 'HATLAS. GOIN' TO MADAM TOOSAWD'S, TO 'AVE HIS STATTY
+DONE IN WAX-WORK!!"
+
+Illustration: _Particular to a Hair._
+
+=Irate Major= (_to hairy Sub._). "WHEN NEXT YOU COME ON PARADE, SIR, HAVE
+THE GOODNESS TO LEAVE THOSE CONFOUNDED WEATHERCOCKS BEHIND YOU!"
+
+Illustration: _Chronology._
+
+='Bus-Driver.= "THEY TELL ME THERE'VE BEEN SOME COINS FOUND IN THESE 'ERE
+'EXKYVATIONS THAT 'A BEEN BURIED THERE A MATTER O' FOUR OR FIVE 'UNDRED
+YEAR!!"
+
+=Passenger Friend.= "OH, THAT'S NOTHIN'! WHY, THERE'S SOME IN THE BRI'SH
+MUSEUM--AH--MORE THAN TWO THOUSAND YEAR OLD!!"
+
+='Bus-Driver= (_after a pause_). "COME, GEORGE, THAT WON'T DO, YER KNOW!
+'CAUSE WE'RE ONLY IN EIGHT'N 'UNDRED AN' SIXTY-NINE NOW!!!"
+
+Illustration: "_Bus-Measure._"
+
+='Bus-Driver.= "NEVER SEE THE COMET?! WHY, WHEREVER COULD YOU 'A'----"
+(_Notices Shortness of "Ge'tleman's" hair, &c., and hesitates_).
+"HOWSOMEVER----"
+
+=Passenger= (_relieving his embarrassment_). "WHEREABOUTS WAS IT?"
+
+=Driver.= "WELL, I'LL TELL YER. IT WAS ABOUT THE LENGTH O' THIS YERE BUS
+FROM THE FORRARDEST LEADER IN THE GREAT BEAR!"
+
+Illustration: Tricks upon Travellers.
+
+=Bonsor= (_down upon little Stannery, who's a great boaster about his
+"Swell" acquaintance, and his extensive "Travel," and this year
+especially, down Palestine way_). "DID YOU SEE THE DARDANELLES?"
+
+=Stannery.= "EH! THE--EH? OH, YE'--YES! JOLLY FELLARS AS EVER I MET! DINED
+WITH 'EM AT VIENNAH!"
+
+_Little S. has left the Club._
+
+Illustration: Quantity not Quality.
+
+=Brown, Senior.= "WELL, FRED, WHAT DID YOU SEE DURING YOUR TRIP ABROAD?"
+
+=Brown, Junior.= "AW--'PON M'WORD, 'DON'T KNOW WHAT I SAW 'XACTLY, 'ONLY
+KNOW I DID MORE BY THREE COUNTRIES, EIGHT TOWNS, AND FOUR MOUNTAINS,
+THAN SMITH DID IN THE SAME TIME!"
+
+Illustration: "A Woman of Business."
+
+=Husband= (_who has been on the Continent, and left his Wife some Blank
+Cheques_). "MY DEAR LOUISA, I FIND YOU HAVE CONSIDERABLY OVERDRAWN AT
+THE BANK!"
+
+=Wife.= "O, NONSENSE, WILLY, HOW CAN THAT BE? WHY, I'VE TWO OF THOSE BLANK
+CHEQUES LEFT YET!!"
+
+Illustration: "Reason in Woman."
+
+=Young Wife.= "GEORGE, DEAR, I'VE HAD A TALK WITH THE SERVANTS THIS
+MORNING, AND I'VE AGREED TO RAISE THEIR WAGES. THEY SAID EVERYTHING WAS
+SO DEAR NOW--MEAT WAS SO HIGH, AND COALS HAD RISEN TO SUCH A PRICE, AND
+EVERYTHING----I THOUGHT THIS WAS REASONABLE, BECAUSE I'VE SO OFTEN HEARD
+YOU COMPLAIN OF THE SAME THING."
+
+Illustration: "Our Failures."
+
+=Husband.= "I SAY, LIZZIE, WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU MAKE THIS MINT-SAUCE OF?"
+
+=Young Wife= (_who has been "helping" Cook_). "PARSLEY, TO BE SURE!"
+
+Illustration: "_Where there's a Will there's a Way!_"
+
+=Cook.= "PLEASE, 'M, I WISHES TO GIVE WARNING----"
+
+=Mistress= (_surprised_). "WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?"
+
+=Cook.= "THE FACT IS, MUM, I'M GOING TO GET MARRIED!"
+
+=Mistress.= "WHY, COOK, I DID NOT KNOW YOU WERE ENGAGED!"
+
+=Cook.= "WHICH I HAM NOT AZACTLY ENGAGED AS YET, MUM; BUT I FEELS MYSELF
+TO BE OF THAT 'APPY DISPOSITION AS I COULD LOVE HANY MAN, MUM!"
+
+Illustration: "_Satisfactory!_"
+
+=Mistress.= "WELL, JESSIE, I'M GOING INTO NAIRNE, AND WILL SEE YOUR
+MOTHER. CAN I GIVE HER ANY MESSAGE FROM YOU?"
+
+=Jessie= (_her first "place"_). "OU, MEM, YE CAN JUST SAY I'M UNCO' WEEL
+PLEASED WI' YE!!"
+
+Illustration: "_Ha! Ha! The Wooin' O't!_"
+
+=Young Mistress= (_gravely; she had seen an affectionate parting at the
+garden-gate_). "I SEE YOU'VE GOT A YOUNG MAN, JANE!"
+
+=Jane= (_apologetically_). "ONLY WALKED OUT WITH HIM ONCE, M'UM!"
+
+=Mistress.= "O, BUT I THOUGHT I SAW--DIDN'T YOU--DIDN'T HE--TAKE A KISS,
+JANE?"
+
+=Jane.= "O, M'M, ONLY AS A FRIEND, M'M!!"
+
+Illustration: "_The Way we Build now._"
+
+=Indignant Houseowner= (_he had heard it was so much cheaper, in the end,
+to buy your House_). "WH' WHAT'S THE--WHAT AM I!--WHA'--WHAT DO YOU
+SUPPOSE IS THE MEANING OF THIS, MR. SCAMPLING!?"
+
+=Local Builder.= "T' TUT, TUT! WELL, SIR, I 'SPECTS SOME ONE'S BEEN
+A-LEANIN' AGIN IT!!"
+
+Illustration: "In the Long Run."
+
+=Town Gent.= "NOW DO YOU FIND KEEPING POULTRY ANSWERS?"
+
+=Country Gent= (_lately retired_). "O, 'ES, S'POSED TO ANSWER. Y' SEE
+THERE'S THE ORIGINAL COST OF THE FOWLS--'F COURSE THE FOOD GOES DOWN TO
+ME, Y' KNOW. WELL, THEN, I PURCHASE THE EGGS FROM THE CHILDREN, AND THEY
+EAT THEM!!!"
+
+Illustration: Rather too Literal.
+
+=Country Gentleman= (_in a rage_). "WHY, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO, YOU
+IDIOT! YOU'VE LET HIM DOWN, AND----"
+
+=New Groom.= "YES, YER HONNER, YE TOULD ME TO BREAK HIM; AN' BRUK HE IS,
+KNEES AN' ALL, WORSE LUCK!"
+
+Illustration: "Bon Voyage!"
+
+=Mossu= (_shot into a nice soft loam_) _exultingly_. "A--HA--A! I AM SAFE
+O-VÈRE! NOW IT IS YOUR TURN, MEESTER TIMBRE JOMPRE! COME ON, SABE!"
+
+Illustration: "Fiat Experimentum," &c.
+
+=The Rector.= "GOOD MORNING, MRS. SMITHERS. HOW'S THE BABY? ISN'T IT
+RATHER EARLY TO BRING HIM TO CHURCH? DON'T YOU THINK HE'LL BE RESTLESS?"
+
+=Mrs. Smithers.= "O, NO, SIR, HE'LL BE QUIET, SIR, WHICH WE TOOK HIM TO
+THE METHODIS' CHAPEL LAST SUNDAY O' PURPOSE TO TRY HIM, SIR!"
+
+Illustration: Irreverent.
+
+=Policeman= (_on the occasion of our "Confirmation"_). "STOP! STOP! GO
+BACK! YOU MUSTN'T COME IN HERE! WE'RE EXPECTIN' O' THE BISHOP EVERY
+MINUTE!"
+
+=Cabby= (_fortissimo_). "ALL RIGHT! WHY'VE GOT THE OLD BUFFER INSIDE!"
+
+Illustration: Wet and Dry.
+
+=Careful Wife.= "ARE YOU VERY WET, DEAR?"
+
+=Ardent Angler= (_turning up his flask_). "NO; DRY AS A LIME-KILN--HAVEN'T
+HAD A DROP THESE TWO HOURS!"
+
+Illustration: "_Not so Fast!_"
+
+=Old Gent.= (_soliloquising, in the Wilds of Glenmuchie_). "AH, WELL, THIS
+IS VERY JOLLY! WEALTH'S A GREAT BLESSING--NOT THAT I'M A RICH MAN--BUT
+AFTER THE TURMOIL AND WORRY OF BUSINESS, TO BE ABLE TO RETIRE TO THESE
+CHARMING SOLITUDES, THE SILENCE ONLY BROKEN BY THE GRATEFUL SOUNDS OF
+THE RIPPLING STREAM ('BURN,' I MEAN. AH! I NEARLY HAD HIM THEN!), AND
+THE HUM OF THE BEE! TO BE ABLE TO LEAVE LONDON AND ITS TIRESOME
+MILLIONS, AND FORGET ALL THE LOW----"
+
+=Voice from the Bridge= (_the ubiquitous "'Arry"_). "COULD YER 'BLIGE US
+WITH A WORM, GOV'NOUR?"!!
+
+Illustration: Banting in the Yeomanry.
+
+=Troop-Sergeant Major.= "IT COMES TO THIS, CAPTAIN, 'A MUN E'THER HEV' A
+NEW JACKET OR KNOCK OFF ONE O' MY MEALS!"
+
+Illustration: Something from the Provinces.
+
+=Excursionist= (_politely_). "CAN YOU KINDLY DIRECT ME THE NEAREST WAY TO
+SLAGLEY?"
+
+=Powerful Navvy.= "AH CAN POONCH TH' HEAD O' THEE!"
+
+_Excursionist retires hastily._
+
+Illustration: "Ways and Means."
+
+=First Country Gentleman.= "'MEAN HUNTING THIS WINTER, CHARLIE?"
+
+=Second Country Gentleman= (_doubtfully_). "'SHALL TRY AND 'WORK' IT."
+
+=First Country Gentleman.= "HOW?"
+
+=Second Country Gentleman.= "GIVE UP THE UNDER-NURSE, I THINK."
+
+Illustration: Blank Firing.
+
+=Ancient Sportsman= (_whose Sight is not what it used to be_). "PICK 'EM
+UP, JAMES, PICK 'EM UP! WHY DON'T YOU PICK 'EM UP?"
+
+=Veteran Keeper.= "'CAUSE THERE BEAN'T ANY DOWN, MY LORD!"
+
+
+                                CONTENTS.
+                                           PAGE
+
+  Adjustment                                25
+
+  A Fortiori                               110
+
+  Alarming                                  44
+
+  Alma Mater                                50
+
+  Angling Extraordinary                     81
+
+  Answer, a Soft                            22
+
+  Anything for a Change                    118
+
+  Appeal, a Final                           37
+
+  Appearances                              118
+
+  Arbiter Elegantiarum                      35
+
+  Arcadian Amenities                        56
+
+  Archery Meeting, the                      76
+
+  Architecture (Irish)                     123
+
+  Argumentum ad Hominem                     21
+
+  Artful--Very!                             57
+
+  Artist, Our                               54
+
+  Art-School Conversazione, Our            119
+
+  As Well as can be Expected                46
+
+  Awkward!                             75, 108
+
+
+  Badinage                                 146
+
+  Bagpipes and Classical Music              56
+
+  Banting in the Yeomanry                  155
+
+  Bargain, Driving a                       132
+
+  Barometrical                              14
+
+  Beard Movement, the                      106
+
+  Beauty, a Thing of                       126
+
+  Benediction! a                           133
+
+  Bereaved                                  96
+
+  Between two Shoeblacks
+  we fall, &c.                             120
+
+  Bird Show, the                             5
+
+  Birthday Dinner-Party,
+   Mrs. Frummage's                         134
+
+  Blank Firing                             155
+
+  Bon Voyage!                         100, 152
+
+  Boon Companions                           96
+
+  Boxing-Day                                55
+
+  Boys, those Dreadful                      80
+
+  Breaking the Ice                     24, 156
+
+  Bric à Brac                              144
+
+  Brother Brush                             84
+
+  Brushing Pa's New Hat                    136
+
+  Business!                                 69
+
+  "  a Stroke of                           135
+
+  Bus-Measure                              147
+
+  By the Card                               41
+
+
+  Candid                                   132
+
+  Canny                                68, 122
+
+  Casual Acquaintance, a                    43
+
+  Catechism under Difficulties              78
+
+  Cavalry Criticism                        142
+
+  Chaff                                     31
+
+  Change for the Better, a ,                65
+
+  Character, a Satisfactory                 98
+
+  Chronology                               147
+
+  Circumlocutory!                           43
+
+  Civil Servants, H. M., What
+   they have to Endure                     117
+
+  Civil Service Miseries                    49
+
+  Club Law                                  94
+
+  Colloquial Equivalents                    65
+
+  Commissariat, the                         69
+
+  Comparisons                               73
+
+  Compliment, a                             47
+
+  Complimentary                             39
+
+  Compliments of the Season        82, 85, 131
+
+  Compliments of the (Sketching) Season     84
+
+  Concert, the Morning                      97
+
+  Conclusive                                58
+
+  Confederate, a Treacherous                23
+
+  Confession                               134
+
+    " in Confusion                          18
+
+  Confidence, in                            93
+
+  Connoisseur, the                          16
+
+  Connoisseurs, the                         60
+
+  Conscience, a Guilty                      74
+
+  Conscience Clause, the                   101
+
+  Considerate                               52
+
+  Convalescent, the                         74
+
+  Cool Card, a                              97
+
+  Cricket                                   23
+
+  Criticism, Considerate                   109
+
+    " Legitimate                           127
+
+  Culture for the Working Classes           43
+
+  Cure, a Perfect                           45
+
+  Curious                                  118
+
+  Customer, Bad                              2
+
+
+  Dear, Dear Boy!                           83
+
+  Decimals on Deck                          13
+
+  Definition, a                             70
+
+  Degenerate Son, a                         25
+
+  Delicacy                                  40
+
+  Delicately Put                            73
+
+  Depression                                86
+
+  Desperate Case!                      25, 100
+
+  Dignity                               1, 102
+
+  Dilemma, a                       20, 91, 138
+
+  Dinners, Little, How we
+  arrange our                               58
+
+  Disaffection!                            125
+
+  Dish, a New                               53
+
+  Distinction, a                            51
+
+  Distracting                               47
+
+  District Visitor, Trials of a            127
+
+  Durance                                    3
+
+  Duty and Pleasure                         69
+
+
+  Education!                           23, 101
+
+  Embarrassing                              50
+
+  Encouraging!                         90, 145
+
+  Equal to the Situation                    74
+
+  Exchange!                                 25
+
+  Excuse, a Perfect                        107
+
+  Exempli Gratia                           102
+
+  Extenuating Circumstances                 70
+
+  Extortion                                130
+
+
+  Fahrenheit                               107
+
+  Failing, a Little                         60
+
+  Failures, Our                            149
+
+  Familiarity breeds Contempt
+                                           124
+
+  Family Man, a                             15
+
+  Family Pride                               1
+
+  Family Ties                                8
+
+  Feather, the last (Co-operative)         125
+
+  Fiat Experimentum                        153
+
+  Fine Art                                 145
+
+  Finishing Touch, the                     109
+
+  Fish, a Big                               56
+
+  Fishing, an Evening's (behind the
+    Distillery at Sligo)                   121
+
+  Flattering                                72
+
+  Flunkeianum                              137
+
+  For Better for Worse                       7
+
+
+  Game (a) Two can Play at                  13
+
+  Gamut, the                               141
+
+  Garrison Instruction                     142
+
+  Grandiloquence                            77
+
+  Gratitude                                 93
+
+  Grey Mare, the                            58
+
+  Gentility in Greens                        9
+
+  Geology                                   96
+
+  Golden Age Restored, the                  63
+
+
+  Habit, Force of                           50
+
+    "  a Luxurious                          63
+
+  Ha! Ha! the Wooin' o' it                 150
+
+  Happy Thought                             82
+
+  Hard Lines                                35
+
+  Hardship, a                              140
+
+  Hard-up on a Wet Day                      99
+
+  Harp in the Air, the                     122
+
+  Heresy                                    42
+
+  He thought he was Safe                   108
+
+  Hibernian Veracity                       111
+
+  High Life below Stairs!                   94
+
+  Hoist with his own Pomade                 47
+
+  Hunting Appointments                      89
+
+  Hunting Idiot                             54
+
+  Hygiene                                  108
+
+  Hyperbole                                 88
+
+
+  Ignorance, Crass                          10
+
+  Im-pertinent                             120
+
+  Incidit in Scyllam, &c.                  117
+
+  Incombinable Elements                     99
+
+  Ingenuas Didicisse, &c.                   36
+
+  Ingenuity, Irish                          12
+
+  In the Long Run                          151
+
+  Initiative, Obvious                      132
+
+  Inspection, Our                           89
+
+  Intelligent!                             129
+
+  In Vino Memoria                           78
+
+  Io Bacche!                                60
+
+  Irish Grievances, Real                    88
+
+  Irreverent                               153
+
+  Irrevocable                               55
+
+  Is it Pos-sible?!                         31
+
+  It's an Ill Wind, &c.                     90
+
+  It's the Pace that Kills                 141
+
+
+  Jeopardy, in                              41
+
+  Just in Time                              17
+
+
+  Knowledge, Pursuit of                     95
+
+
+  Labour, Division of                       38
+
+  Lapsus Linguæ                             76
+
+  Last Word, the                            91
+
+  Le Jeu ne vaut pas la Chandelle           28
+
+  Lessons in the Vacation                  138
+
+  Let Well alone!                           28
+
+  Levelling Up                              77
+
+  Liberal to a Fault                        48
+
+  Like her Impudence                       140
+
+  Lingua East Anglia                        62
+
+  Little and Good                          135
+
+  Look before you Leap                      27
+
+  Lucid!                                    26
+
+  Lucus a Non, &c.                          88
+
+  Luxury, Seasonable                        22
+
+
+  Making Things Pleasant                    81
+
+  Mal Apropos                               18
+
+  Manners!                                 116
+
+  Manoeuvres, Our                     19, 59
+
+  March of Refinement                        2
+
+  Master of the Situation?!                116
+
+  Matter!                                   37
+
+  Meat Supply, the                          66
+
+  Menace                                   126
+
+  Men were Deceivers ever                   49
+
+  Mens Conscia                               1
+
+  Mercies, Small, (not) Thankful for        39
+
+  Military Manoeuvres                     19
+
+  Mind and Matter                           79
+
+  Mine of Speculation, a                    21
+
+  Misnomer, a                              128
+
+  Mistakes will Happen                     136
+
+  Mistletoe Bough, Oh the                   42
+
+  Model, an Irish                          133
+
+  More than one for his Nob                137
+
+  M. P., a Pledged                            4
+
+  Music in the Midlands                    106
+
+  Music of the Future--Sensation Opera      94
+
+  Mystery solved, the                        3
+
+  Mystification                             71
+
+
+  Nae that Fou!                            110
+
+  Narcotic, a                               15
+
+  Natural Advantages                       113
+
+  Nature and Art                           113
+
+  Never say 'Die'                           36
+
+  Nimble Ninepence, the                    129
+
+  No accounting for Taste                   64
+
+  Noblesse oblige!                         105
+
+  No Mistake, this Time                     27
+
+  No such Luck                              30
+
+  Not Proven                               121
+
+  Not so Fast!                             154
+
+  Not to put too fine a Point on it         36
+
+
+  Obliging                                  71
+
+  Off!                                      38
+
+  Offender, an Old                          55
+
+  Offer, a Fair                            111
+
+  Officer (an) and a Gentleman!            143
+
+  Once for All                              92
+
+  On the Face of it                        131
+
+  Order, an Extensive                       30
+
+  Ornaments for your Fire-Stoves           131
+
+
+  Panic in the Kitchen, a                   32
+
+  Parthian Shaft, a                        115
+
+  Particular!                           34, 90
+
+      "  to a Hair                         147
+
+  Partner, Vivifying Treatment of a         34
+
+  Passage of Arms, a                       137
+
+  Penny Wise                                46
+
+  Perils of the Deep                         4
+
+  Personal!                                100
+
+  Perspective!                              79
+
+  Pet, Intelligent                           3
+
+  Pickles, Mixed                           126
+
+  Pic-nic, the                              57
+
+  Pink of Fashion, the                       5
+
+  Plain to Demonstration                     9
+
+  Pleasant for Simpkins!                   128
+
+  Pleasuring!                              107
+
+  Plutocrat, a                              37
+
+  Point of View, a                          87
+
+  Point of View, from one                  119
+
+  Poor Humanity!                             7
+
+  Precise                                   29
+
+  Presence of Mind                         144
+
+  Prevention's better than Cure              8
+
+  Profanation                               80
+
+  Proof Positive                            32
+
+  Prospect, a Pleasant                  67, 85
+
+  Prospect, a Nice                          95
+
+  Provinces, Something from the            155
+
+  Prudence, Common                           6
+
+  Pulpit-Critics, Stern                     68
+
+
+  Qualifications                            33
+
+  Quantity, not Quality                    148
+
+  Quite another Thing                      111
+
+  Quite Superfluous                        105
+
+
+  Races not yet Extinct                     20
+
+  Rather too Literal                       152
+
+  Ready!                                    83
+
+  Reason in Woman                          149
+
+  Reassuring                           67, 112
+
+  Reductio ad Absurdum                      86
+
+  Refrigerated Tourists                      2
+
+  Refusal, a Rash                           73
+
+  Register! Register!                      120
+
+  Relapse                                   97
+
+  Reminiscences                             46
+
+  Reproof, Proper                          135
+
+  Res Angustæ Domi                          11
+
+  Reserves, Our--the Battle of Amesbury     59
+
+    " Auxiliary Forces, North of Ireland   146
+
+  Restraints of Society                    114
+
+  Retributive Justice                       41
+
+  Revenge for the Union, More               13
+
+  Riding Lesson, the                        26
+
+  Roll-Call, the                             9
+
+  Romance of the Kitchen                    82
+
+  Run of the House, the                    103
+
+  Running Drill, the New                    19
+
+  Rural Simplicity                          78
+
+  Rustic Recollections                      52
+
+
+  Sacrifice                                 70
+
+  Satisfactory!                            150
+
+  Sausage Machine, the                      16
+
+  Scruples                                 123
+
+  Scrupulous                                12
+
+  Season, a Bad                            124
+
+  Secrets                                  115
+
+  Selling him a Pennyworth                  65
+
+  Sermon, the First                         24
+
+  Servants, the               35, 40, 104, 127
+
+  Service (the) going to, &c.              143
+
+  Shocking!                                156
+
+  Silence is Golden                         14
+
+  Silly Suffolk (?) Pastorals--Reciprocity  76
+
+  Silver Lining to a Cloud, not a           53
+
+  Simple Addition                          114
+
+  Simplicity, Sweet                        115
+
+  Sinister Slip, a                          49
+
+  Slip o' the Tongue, a                     18
+
+  Small Mercies                             44
+
+  Sold--Cheap                               64
+
+  Son, a Kind                               10
+
+   " a Degenerate                           25
+
+  Spoiling it                               33
+
+  Straightforward View, a                   51
+
+  Struggle for Existence, the               98
+
+  Suit your Talk to your Company            75
+
+  Suspicion!                                86
+
+  Sweet is Revenge--especially to Women!    24
+
+  Sympathy                             48, 103
+
+
+  Tailors' Strike, in consequence of the    45
+
+  Temper, the Triumphs of                    6
+
+  Temptation                                33
+
+  Terms, Cash                               93
+
+  Theatricals, Our                          72
+
+  The Better the Day, &c.                   51
+
+  The Way we Build now                     151
+
+  The Way we had in the Army               143
+
+  The Way we Live now                      112
+
+  The more Haste, the less Speed            87
+
+  Themis, Irish Ideal of                   122
+
+  There's many a Slip                       62
+
+  Tho' lost to Sight--                      29
+
+  Thrift                                   123
+
+  Ticket of Leave, a                        66
+
+  'Tis better not to Know                   30
+
+  Too Bad!                                 141
+
+  Too Late                                 106
+
+  Too True!                                 92
+
+  Tourists, Refrigerated                     2
+
+  Tracts!                                   66
+
+  Trade, State of                           27
+
+  Travellers, Tricks upon                  148
+
+  Truth, a Half                              7
+
+  Trying                                     5
+
+  Turk, a Regular                          117
+
+  Turn about                                81
+
+  Two Sides to a Question                   85
+
+  Tyranny                                   45
+
+
+  Ulster, the                               14
+
+  Unconscionable                            15
+
+  Unprejudiced!                             10
+
+  Up and Down Stairs                        92
+
+
+  Veneration                                22
+
+  Vested Interests                          31
+
+  Veteran, a                                61
+
+
+  Wages and Wives                           95
+
+  Warning, Awful                            16
+
+  Ways and Means                           155
+
+  Weather, a Change in the                  11
+
+  Weights and Measures                      44
+
+  Well Meant                               113
+
+  Wet and Dry                              154
+
+  What Next?                               104
+
+  What's in a Name?                         35
+
+  What's the Odds?                          61
+
+  When you are about it                    103
+
+  Where Ignorance is Bliss &c.              39
+
+  Where there's a Will there's a Way!      150
+
+  Wimbledon                                139
+
+  Winkles!                                 128
+
+  Woman-hater, a                           102
+
+  Woman of Business, a                     149
+
+  Woman's Rights                            68
+
+  Words and Weights                         17
+
+
+  XXX cellent Reasons                       48
+
+
+  Zoology                                  130
+
+
+
+
+      *      *      *      *      *      *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's note:
+
+The index has been moved from the beginning of the book to the
+end for the reader's convenience.
+
+The punctuation and spelling are as printed in the original
+publication.
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41057 ***