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diff --git a/41057-8.txt b/41057-0.txt index dbe267b..53a7478 100644 --- a/41057-8.txt +++ b/41057-0.txt @@ -1,38 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook, Our People, by Charles Samuel Keene - - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - - - - -Title: Our People - From the Collection of "Mr. Punch" - - -Author: Charles Samuel Keene - - - -Release Date: October 14, 2012 [eBook #41057] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - - -***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OUR PEOPLE*** - - -E-text prepared by Chris Curnow, Sue Fleming, and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made -available by Internet Archive (http://archive.org) - - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41057 *** Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file which includes the original illustrations. @@ -375,9 +341,9 @@ holidays_). "IT'S ALL UP!" MATTER?" =Paterfamilias.= "TELEGRAM! SHE SAYS THEY'VE ARRIVED SAFE AT FOLKESTONE, -AND WILL BE HOME ABOUT 10·30!" +AND WILL BE HOME ABOUT 10·30!" -Illustration: "Res Angustæ Domi." +Illustration: "Res Angustæ Domi." =Family Man.= "WHERE DO YOU GO THIS YEAR, JINNINGS?" @@ -1459,8 +1425,8 @@ _VIXEN_ AT HOME, SIR!" Illustration: _How We Arrange Our Little Dinners._ =Mistress.= "OH, COOK, WE SHALL WANT DINNER FOR FOUR THIS EVENING. WHAT DO -YOU THINK, BESIDES THE JOINT, OF OX-TAIL SOUP, LOBSTER PATÉS, AND AN -ENTRÉE--SAY, BEEF?" +YOU THINK, BESIDES THE JOINT, OF OX-TAIL SOUP, LOBSTER PATÉS, AND AN +ENTRÉE--SAY, BEEF?" =Cook.= "YES, 'M--FRESH, OR AUSTR----?" @@ -1560,7 +1526,7 @@ _Train rushes in, and the Parties rush off._ Illustration: _The Golden Age Restored._ =Young Lady= (_Through Passenger, at West Riding Station_). "WHAT'S GOING -ON HERE TO-DAY, PORTER? HAS THERE BEEN A FÊTE?" +ON HERE TO-DAY, PORTER? HAS THERE BEEN A FÊTE?" =Porter= (_astonished_). "BLESS THEE, LASS! THERE'S NEA FEIGHTIN' NOO-A-DAYS; 'T'S AGIN T' LA-AW!--NOBBUT A FLOOER-SHOW!" @@ -1833,7 +1799,7 @@ Illustration: _Silly Suffolk (?) Pastorals. Reciprocity._ BUT--Y' SEE, SIR, THE REVEREND MR. SCOWLES O' THE CHAPEL, HE BOUGHT SOME PIGS O' ME, AND I THOUGHT I OUGHT TO GI' 'M A TARN!!" -Illustration: Lapsus Linguæ. +Illustration: Lapsus Linguæ. =Our Athletic Curate= (_who, with the young men of his parish, had been victorious in a great match the day before; please forgive him this @@ -2561,7 +2527,7 @@ I'D PUT OFF CUTTIN' CAUSE YOU HADN'T FINISHED, TO OBLIGE YER, I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D A DONE IT! YOU DON'T COME A P'INTIN' ON MY LAND ANY MORE!" _Exit, in great dudgeon._ -Illustration: _À Fortiori._ +Illustration: _À Fortiori._ =Ticket Collector.= "NOW, THEN, MAKE HASTE! WHERE'S YOUR TICKET?" @@ -3338,7 +3304,7 @@ MUM! ALL RIGHT--DRIVE ON, CABBY!" _Old Lady saves the train._ -Illustration: "Bric à Brac." +Illustration: "Bric à Brac." =Mamma= } { {SAM!" }_together_ {"GOODNESS, GRACIOUS, { @@ -3515,7 +3481,7 @@ KNEES AN' ALL, WORSE LUCK!" Illustration: "Bon Voyage!" =Mossu= (_shot into a nice soft loam_) _exultingly_. "A--HA--A! I AM SAFE -O-VÈRE! NOW IT IS YOUR TURN, MEESTER TIMBRE JOMPRE! COME ON, SABE!" +O-VÈRE! NOW IT IS YOUR TURN, MEESTER TIMBRE JOMPRE! COME ON, SABE!" Illustration: "Fiat Experimentum," &c. @@ -3665,7 +3631,7 @@ UP, JAMES, PICK 'EM UP! WHY DON'T YOU PICK 'EM UP?" Breaking the Ice 24, 156 - Bric à Brac 144 + Bric à Brac 144 Brother Brush 84 @@ -3955,7 +3921,7 @@ UP, JAMES, PICK 'EM UP! WHY DON'T YOU PICK 'EM UP?" Labour, Division of 38 - Lapsus Linguæ 76 + Lapsus Linguæ 76 Last Word, the 91 @@ -4177,7 +4143,7 @@ UP, JAMES, PICK 'EM UP! WHY DON'T YOU PICK 'EM UP?" Reproof, Proper 135 - Res Angustæ Domi 11 + Res Angustæ Domi 11 Reserves, Our--the Battle of Amesbury 59 @@ -4400,362 +4366,4 @@ end for the reader's convenience. The punctuation and spelling are as printed in the original publication. - - -***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OUR PEOPLE*** - - -******* This file should be named 41057-8.txt or 41057-8.zip ******* - - -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: -http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/4/1/0/5/41057 - - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at <a -href="http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></p> -<p>Title: Our People</p> -<p> From the Collection of "Mr. Punch"</p> -<p>Author: Charles Samuel Keene</p> -<p>Release Date: October 14, 2012 [eBook #41057]</p> -<p>Language: English</p> -<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> -<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OUR PEOPLE***</p> <p> </p> -<h4>E-text prepared by Chris Curnow, Sue Fleming,<br /> - and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> - (<a href="http://www.pgdp.net">http://www.pgdp.net</a>)<br /> - from page images generously made available by<br /> - Internet Archive<br /> - (<a href="http://archive.org">http://archive.org</a>)</h4> <p> </p> <table border="0" style="background-color: #ccccff;margin: 0 auto;" cellpadding="10"> <tr> @@ -568,7 +551,7 @@ and will be Home about 10·30!</span>"</div></div> <p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11b" id="Page_11b">[Pg 11b]</a></span></p> <div class="figcenter"><a name="illo11b" id="illo11b"></a> <img src="images/i_020b.jpg" width="600" height="400" alt="" /> -<div class="caption"><p class="center"> "Res Angustæ Domi."</p> +<div class="caption"><p class="center"> "Res Angustæ Domi."</p> <b>Family Man.</b> "<span class="smcap">Where do you go this Year, Jinnings?</span>"<br /> @@ -2880,7 +2863,7 @@ Pigs o' me, and I thought I ought to gi' 'm a Tarn!!</span>"</div></div> <p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76b" id="Page_76b">[Pg 76b]</a></span></p> <div class="figcenter"><a name="illo76b" id="illo76b"></a> <img src="images/i_085b.jpg" width="339" height="400" alt="" /> -<div class="caption"><p class="center">Lapsus Linguæ.</p> +<div class="caption"><p class="center">Lapsus Linguæ.</p> <b>Our Athletic Curate</b> (<i>who, with the young men of his parish, had been victorious in a great match the day before; please forgive him this @@ -6523,7 +6506,7 @@ up, James, pick 'em up! Why don't you pick 'em up?</span>"<br /> <td align="right">38</td> </tr> <tr> - <td align="left"><a href="#illo76b">Lapsus Linguæ</a></td> + <td align="left"><a href="#illo76b">Lapsus Linguæ</a></td> <td align="left"> </td> <td align="right">76</td> </tr> @@ -7073,7 +7056,7 @@ up, James, pick 'em up! Why don't you pick 'em up?</span>"<br /> <td align="right">135</td> </tr> <tr> - <td align="left"><a href="#illo11b">Res Angustæ Domi</a></td> + <td align="left"><a href="#illo11b">Res Angustæ Domi</a></td> <td align="left"> </td> <td align="right">11</td> </tr> @@ -7607,360 +7590,6 @@ publication.</div> <p> </p> <p> </p> -<hr class="pg" /> -<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OUR PEOPLE***</p> -<p>******* This file should be named 41057-h.txt or 41057-h.zip *******</p> -<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> -<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/4/1/0/5/41057">http://www.gutenberg.org/4/1/0/5/41057</a></p> -<p> -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed.</p> - -<p> -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - - - - -Title: Our People - From the Collection of "Mr. Punch" - - -Author: Charles Samuel Keene - - - -Release Date: October 14, 2012 [eBook #41057] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) - - -***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OUR PEOPLE*** - - -E-text prepared by Chris Curnow, Sue Fleming, and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made -available by Internet Archive (http://archive.org) - - - -Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this - file which includes the original illustrations. - See 41057-h.htm or 41057-h.zip: - (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/41057/41057-h/41057-h.htm) - or - (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/41057/41057-h.zip) - - - Images of the original pages are available through - Internet Archive. See - http://archive.org/details/ourpeople00keen - - -Transcriber's note: - - Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_). - - Text enclosed by equal signs is in bold face (=bold=). - - The oe ligature is shown as [oe]. - - - - - -OUR PEOPLE - -Sketched by - -CHARLES KEENE. - -from the Collection of "Mr. Punch." - - - - - - - -Boston, -James R. Osgood & Co. -1881. - - - -"Our People." -Sketches from 'Punch' by -'C. K.' - -Illustration - - - OUR PEOPLE. AT HOME. - - OUR PEOPLE. STREET-LIFE. - - OUR PEOPLE. IN THE COUNTRY. - - OUR PEOPLE. TRAVELLING. - - OUR PEOPLE. PROFESSIONAL. - - OUR PEOPLE. OFFICIAL. - - OUR PEOPLE. IN THE ARMY. - - OUR PEOPLE. ART AND ARTISTS. - - OUR PEOPLE. VOLUNTEERS. - - OUR PEOPLE. AT BUSINESS. - - OUR PEOPLE. DOMESTICS. - - OUR PEOPLE. WORKING FOLK. - - OUR PEOPLE. IN IRELAND. - - OUR PEOPLE. IN SCOTLAND. - - &c., &c. - - - - -Illustration: Toots! theres no a Jok' i' th' 'hale beuk! - - - COMPANION to "OUR PEOPLE," - - ENGLISH SOCIETY AT HOME, - - Society Pictures By - - GEORGE DU MAURIER. - - JAMES R. OSGOOD & Co., PUBLISHERS. - - - - -Illustration: Mens Conscia. - -=Inspector= (_who notices a backwardness in History_). "WHO SIGNED MAGNA -CHARTA?" (_No answer._) - -=Inspector= (_more urgently_). "WHO SIGNED MAGNA CHARTA?" (_No answer._) - -=Inspector= (_angrily_). "WHO SIGNED MAGNA CHARTA!!?" - -=Scapegrace= (_Thinking matters are beginning to look serious_). "PLEASE, -SIR, 'TWASN'T ME, SIR!!" - -Illustration: _Dignity._ - -=Club "Buttons."= "I'M AT THE 'JUNIOR PENINSULAR' NOW." - -=Friend.= "WHAT! DID YOU 'GET THE SACK' FROM 'THE REYNOLDS'?" - -=Buttons= (_indignant_). "GO ALONG WITH YER! 'GET THE SACK!' I SENT IN MY -RESI'NATION TO THE C'MMITTEE!" - -Illustration: _Family Pride._ - -=First Boy.= "MY FATHER'S A ORFICER." =Second Boy.= "WHAT ORFICER?" =First -Boy.= "WHY, A CORPORAL!" =Third Boy= (_evidently "comic"_). "SO'S MY -FATHER--HE'S A ORFICER, TOO--A GENERAL, HE IS!" =Fourth Boy.= "GO ALONG -WITH YER!" =Third Boy.= "SO HE IS--HE'S A _GENERAL DEALER_!!" - -Illustration: _Bad Customer._ - -=Landlady.= "WHAT GENTLEMAN'S LUGGAGE IS THIS, SAM?" - -=Ancient Waiter.= "GE'TLEMAN'S LUGGAGE, 'M! 'OR' BLESHYER, NO, MUM! THAT'S -_ARTIS'S TRAPS_, THAT IS. THEY'LL 'AVE TEA HERE TO-NIGHT, TAKE A LITTLE -LODGIN' TO-MORROW, AND THERE THEY'LL BE A LOAFIN ABOUT THE PLACE FOR -MONTHS, DOIN' NO GOOD TO NOBODY!" - -Illustration: "_March of Refinement._" - -=Brown= (_behind the Age, but hungry_). "GIVE ME THE BILL OF FARE, -WAITER." - -=Head Waiter.= "BEG PARDON, SIR?" - -=Brown.= "THE BILL OF FARE." - -=Head Waiter.= "THE WHAT, SIR? O!--AH!--YES!"--(_to -Subordinate_)--"CHAWLES, BRING THIS--THIS--A--GEN'LEMAN--THE _MENOO_!!" - -Illustration: _Refrigerated Tourists._ - -=Provincial Waiter.= "ICE! GENTLEMEN! THERE AIN'T NO ICE IN AUTUMN TIME. -BUT IT'S EASY TO SEE YOU ARE GENTS FROM LONDON, AS DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT -NATURE, AND I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR IT, IN COURSE. BUT, ICE IN AUGUST!" -_Exit, sniggering._ - -Illustration: Intelligent Pet. - -"MA, DEAR, WHAT DO THEY PLAY THE ORGAN SO LOUD FOR, WHEN 'CHURCH' IS -OVER? IS IT TO WAKE US UP?" - -Illustration: "Durance." - -=Little Daughter.= "WON'T THEY LET US OUT WITHOUT PAYING, MA'?" - -Illustration: _The Mystery Solved._ - -=Effie= (_our Parson's little daughter: her first experience of "Church." -Aloud--with intense surprise_). "PA AND ALL THE DEAR LITTLE BOYS, IN -THEIR NIGHTGOWNS, GOING TO BYE-BYE!!" - -Illustration: _A Pledged M. P._ - -=M. P.'s Bride= "OH! WILLIAM, DEAR--IF YOU ARE--A LIBERAL--DO BRING IN A -BILL--NEXT SESSION--FOR THAT UNDERGROUND TUNNEL!!" - -Illustration: "_Perils of the Deep._" - -=Unprotected Female= (_awaking old Gent., who is not very well_). "O, -MISTER, WOULD YOU FIND THE CAPTAIN? I'M SURE WE'RE IN DANGER! I'VE BEEN -WATCHING THE MAN AT THE WHEEL; HE KEEPS TURNING IT ROUND FIRST ONE WAY -AND THEN THE OTHER, AND EVIDENTLY DOESN'T KNOW HIS OWN MIND!!" - -Illustration: "_The Pink of Fashion._" - -"OUR FLOWER SHOW WAS A DECIDED SUCCESS THIS YEAR, AND LITTLE FIDKINS IN -AN EMBROIDERED FLORAL WAISTCOAT WAS KILLING!" - -Illustration: _The Bird Show._ - -=That Charming Gal= _with the blue feather_ (_to Prize Canary_). "SWEETY, -DEAR!" - -=Comic Man= (_"Dolcissimo con Brio," from the other side of the -pedestal_). "YES, DUCKY!" - -_Utterly ruining the hopes, and taking the wind out o' the sails of his -tall friend (serious man), who had been spoonying about her all the -afternoon, and thought he had made an impression!_ - -Illustration: "_Trying._" - -=Happy Swain= (_she has "named the day"_). "AND NOW, DEAREST EDITH, THAT -IS ALL SETTLED. WITH REGARD TO JEWELLERY, MY LOVE; WOULD YOU LIKE A SET -IN PLAIN GOLD, OR----" - -=Edith= (_economical and courageous, and who suffers a good -deal from toothache_). "OH, AUGUSTUS, NOW YOU ASK ME--DO YOU -KNOW--I--REALLY--BUT--MR. CLINCH TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT HE COULD EXTRACT -ALL I HAVE, AND PUT IN A BEAUTIFUL NEW SET FOR ONLY FIFTEEN GUINEAS!!" - -Illustration: Common Prudence. - -=Snob.= "OH, LET'S GET OUT O' THIS MOB, 'ARRY! THEY'LL THINK WE'RE A GOIN' -TO _CHURCH_!" - -Illustration: The Triumphs of Temper. - -=Fare= (_out of patience at the fourth "jib" in a Mile_). "HI, THIS WON'T -DO! I SHALL GET OUT!" - -=Cabby= (_through the trap, in a whisper_). "AH THIN, SOR, NIVER MIND HER! -SIT STILL! DON'T GIVE HER THE SATISFACTION AV KNOWIN' SHE'S GOT RID AV -YE!!" - -Illustration: "For Better for Worse." - -_Our friend Bagnidge (hasn't a rap) has just married the widow (rich) of -old Harlesden the stockbroker._ - -=Mrs. B.= (_Retiring_). "SHALL I SEND MY POPPET HIS SLIPPERS?" - -=Mr. B.= "N-N-N-N-O--NOT AT PRESENT, THANKS!" (_Sotto voce to his guest -when the door was closed._) "NOT SO FOND OF HAVING THE MUZZLES ON MY -FEET AT EIGHT O'CLOCK IN THE EVENING, YOU KNOW, BARNEY!!" - -Illustration: A Half Truth. - -=Guard= (_of the Fatuous Railway Company, that still forbids tobacco_). -"STRONG SMELL OF SMOKE, SIR!" - -=Passenger= (_his cigar covered by his newspaper_). "YA-AS; THE PARTY WHO -HAS JUST GOT OUT HAS BEEN SMOKING FURIOUSLY!!" - -Illustration: Poor Humanity! - -=Bride.= "I THINK--GEORGE, DEAR--I SHOULD--BE BETTER--IF WE WALKED -ABOUT----" - -=Husband= (_one wouldn't have believed it of him_). "YOU CAN DO AS YOU -LIKE, LOVE. I'M VERY WELL(!) AS I AM!!" - -Illustration: _Family Ties._ - -(_Respec'fully dedicated to Mr. Punch's excellent friends at the -Egyptian Hall--M. and C._) - -=Aunt.= "GRACIOUS GOODNESS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CUPBOARD, YOU NAUGHTY -BOYS?" - -=Jacky.= "OH, AUNT, WE'RE PLAYING 'MASCULINE AND COOK'! I TIE HIM TO THE -CHAIR, AND WHEN THE DOOR'S OPENED HIS HANDS ARE FREE. THEN HE DOES -ME!!" - -Illustration: "_Prevention Better than Cure._" - -=Jeames= (_excitedly_). "HERE--HERE--HERE'S THE SHILLIN'! -QUICK--QUICK--OFF WITH YOU!" - -=German Impostor= (_affecting concern_). "DERE IS SOME VUN ILL?" - -=Jeames.= "WELL, NOT JUST YET! BUT THERE PRECIOUS SOON WILL BE, IF YOU -DON'T KNOCK OFF!" - -Illustration: The Roll-Call. - -=Sergeant.= "ALISTER MCALISTER!" - -=Answer.= "HAMISHO!" - -=Sergeant.= "DONAL' MCBEAN!" - -=Answer.= "HAMISHO!" - -=Sergeant.= "PETER MCKAY!" - -ANSWER. "HAMISHO!" - -=Sergeant.= "JOHN SMITH!" - -=Answer.= "HERE, SIR!" - -=Sergeant= (_with a Sniff_). "UGH! 'ENGLISH POCK-PUDDING'"!! - -Illustration: _Gentility in Greens._ - -(_Mrs. Brown finds Sandymouth a very different place from what she -remembers it years ago!_) - -=Greengrocer.= "CABBAGE, MUM!? WE DON'T KEEP NO SECOND-CLASS VEGETABLES, -MUM. YOU'LL GET IT AT THE LOWER END O' THE TOWN!" - -Illustration: _Plain to Demonstration._ - -=Customer= (_nervously_). "AH! THEY MUST BE VERY IRKSOME AT FIRST." - -=Dentist= (_exultantly_). "NOT A BIT OF IT, SIR! LOOK HERE, SIR!" -(_Dexterously catching his entire set._) "HERE'S MY UPPERS, AND HERE'S -MY UNDERS!" - -Illustration: Unprejudiced! - -=Swell= (_at the R. A. Exhibition_). "Haw! 've you any Idea--w what -Fellaw's Pictu-ars we're to Admi-are this Ye-ar!!!?" - -Illustration: A Kind Son. - -=Paterfamilias= (_to his Eldest Son, who is at Bartholomew's_). "GEORGE, -THESE ARE UNCOMMONLY GOOD CIGARS! I CAN'T AFFORD TO SMOKE SUCH EXPENSIVE -CIGARS AS THESE." - -=George= (_grandly_). "FILL YOUR CASE--FILL YOUR CASE, GOV'NER!!" - -Illustration: Crass Ignorance. - -=First Swell.= "LET'S SEE--TO-MORROW'S----WHAT'S T'DAY, BYTH'BY?" - -=Second Swell.= "TUESDAY, ISN'T IT?--OR MONDAY?--WAS YEST'DAY SUNDAY? NE' -MIND--(_yawns_)--MY MAN'LL BE HERE PWESENTLY--PWECIOUS SHWEWD -FELLOW--'TELL US LIKE A SHOT!!" - -Illustration: A Change in the Weather. - -=Paterfamilias= (_with a sigh: his family have been to Boulogne for the -holidays_). "IT'S ALL UP!" - -=Bachelor Friend= (_who has enjoyed these little Dinners_). "WHAT'S THE -MATTER?" - -=Paterfamilias.= "TELEGRAM! SHE SAYS THEY'VE ARRIVED SAFE AT FOLKESTONE, -AND WILL BE HOME ABOUT 10.30!" - -Illustration: "Res Angustae Domi." - -=Family Man.= "WHERE DO YOU GO THIS YEAR, JINNINGS?" - -=Bachelor= (_in a sketchy manner_). "OH--BADEN FOR A FEW WEEKS, AND THE -WHINE, BELGIUM--P'WAPS GET AS FAR'S VIENNAH! WHERE 'YOU OFF TO?" - -=Family Man.= "OH, I SUPPOSE I SHALL TAKE THE OLD WOMAN DOWN TO -WORTHING--AS USUAL!" - -_And he says this in anything but a sprightly manner--which was weak -and injudicious._ - -Illustration: _Irish Ingenuity._ - -=Saxon Tourist.= "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU LOWERING THE SHAFTS FOR?" (_He has -just found out that this manoeuvre is gone through at every ascent._) - -=Car-Driver.= "SHURE, YER 'ONNER, WE'LL MAKE 'M B'LAVE HE'S GOIN' DOWN -HILL!" - -Illustration: _Scrupulous._ - -=Shepherd.= "O, JIMS, MUN! CAN YE NO GIE A WHUSTLE ON THA RAM'LIN' BRUTE -O' MINE? I DAURNA MYSEL'; IT'S JUST FAST-DAY IN OOR PARISH!!" - -Illustration: A Game Two can Play at. - -=Guard= (_to Excited Passenger at the Edinburgh Station, just as the Train -is Starting_). "YE'RE TOO LATE, SIR. YE CANNA ENTER." - -=Stalwart Aberdonian.= "A' MAUN!" - -=Guard= (_holding him back_). "YE CANNA!" - -=Aberdonian.= "TELL YE A' MAUN--A' WEEL!" (_Gripping Guard._) "IF A' -MAUNNA, YE SANNA!!!" - -Illustration: Decimals on Deck. - -=Irish Mate.= "HOW MANNY IV YE DOWN THER-RE?!" - -=Voice from the Hold.= "THREE, SOR!" - -=Mate.= "THIN HALF IV YE COME UP HERE IMMADIATELY!!" - -Illustration: More "Revenge for the Union." - -=Saxon Tourist= (_at Irish Railway Station_). "WHAT TIME DOES THE -HALF-PAST ELEVEN TRAIN START, PADDY?" - -=Porter.= "AT THRUTTY MINUTES TO TWILVE--SHARRUP, SOR!" - -_Tourist retires up, discomfited._ - -Illustration: _The Ulster._ - -=Schoolboy= (_to Brown, in his new great-coat_). "YAH! COME OUT OF IT! -D'YOU THINK I DON'T SEE YER!!" - -Illustration: "_Silence is Golden._" - -=Chatty Old Gent.= "HAVE YOU LONG HOURS, HE-AR, PORTAR?" - -=Railway Porter= (_whose Temper has been spoilt_). "SAME AS ANYWHERES -ELSE, I S'POSE--SIXTY MINUTES!"----(_Bell rings, Railway Porter touches -up Old Gent's favourite corn, and rushes off!_) - -=Old Gent.= "PH--O--O--O--O--!" - -Illustration: _Barometrical._ - -=Draper.= "LIGHT SUMMER DRESS? YES, M'M. SOLD A GREAT MANY THE LAST FEW -DAYS, M'M, THE WEATHER HAVIN' RISEN FROM A FRENCH MERINO TO A -GRENADINE!" - -Illustration: _A Family Man._ - -=Cabby.= "VY, I'M A FATHER OF A FAM'LY MYSELF, MUM,--NOT SO 'ANDSOME AS -YOUR LITTLE DEARS, MUM, I DON'T SAY,--AN' D'YOU THINK I'D GO FOR TO -OVERCHARGE FOR 'EM? NOT I, MUM! NOT A SIXPENCE, BLESS THEIR LITTLE -'EARTS!" &c., &c. - -_Claim allowed._ - -Illustration: _Unconscionable._ - -=Head of the Firm.= "WANT A HOLIDAY!? WHY, YOU'VE JUST BEEN AT HOME ILL -FOR A MONTH!" - -Illustration: _A Narcotic._ - -=Doctor.= "LOOK HERE, MRS. MCCAWDLE. DON'T GIVE HIM ANY MORE PHYSIC. A -SOUND SLEEP WILL DO HIM MORE GOOD THAN ANYTHING." - -=Gudewife.= "E-H, DOCTHOR, IF WE COULD ONLY GET HIM TAE THE KIRK!!" - -Illustration: The Connoisseur. - -=Host= (_smacking his lips_). "THERE, MY BOY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? I -THOUGHT I'D GIVE YOU A TREAT. THAT'S '34 PORT, SIR!" - -=Guest.= "AH! AND A VERY NICE, SOUND WINE, I SHOULD SAY! I BELIEVE IT'S -QUITE AS GOOD AS SOME I GAVE 37S. FOR THE OTHER DAY." - -Illustration: Awful Warning! - -=Guest= (_at City Company Dinner._) "I'M UNCOMMONLY HUNGRY!" - -=Ancient Liveryman= (_with feeling_). "TAKE CARE, MY DEAR SIR, FOR -GOODNESS' SAKE, TAKE CARE! D'YOU KNOW IT HAPPENED TO ME AT THE LAST LORD -MAYOR'S DINNER TO BURN MY TONGUE WITH MY FIRST SPOONFUL OF CLEAR TURTLE; -'CONSEQUENCE WAS--(_sighs_)--'COULDN'T TASTE AT ALL--ANYTHING--FOR THE -REST OF THE EVENING!!" - -Illustration: _The Sausage Machine._ - -=Cook= (_in a fluster_). "O 'F Y' PLEASE, 'M, NO WONDER THE FLAVIOUR O' -THEM SASSENGERS WASN'T TO-RIGHTS, 'M, WHICH I'VE JEST NOW KETCHED MASTER -ALFRED A CUTTIN' HIS 'CAVENDISH' IN THE MACHINE!" - -Illustration: Just in Time. - -=Veteran Piscator.= "HECH! BUT YON'S A MUCKLE FESH LOUPIN' AHINT -ME!"----(_It was lucky he looked round!--his Friend from London had -preferred Sketching on the Banks, had stumbled over a Boulder, and "Gone -a Header" into a deep hole. He was gaffed at his last kick!_) - -Illustration: _Words and Weights._ - -=Angler.= "DEUCED ODD, DONALD, I CAN'T GET A FISH OVER SEVEN POUNDS, WHEN -THEY SAY MAJOR GRANT ABOVE US KILLED HALF A DOZEN LAST WEEK THAT TURNED -TWENTY POUNDS APIECE!" - -=Donald.= "AWEEL, SIR, IT'S NO THAT MUCKLE ODDS I'TH' SAWMON,--BUT THAE -FOWK UP THE WATTER IS BIGGER LEEARS THAN WE ARE DOON HERE!" - -Illustration: "_Mal Apropos._" - -=Rector's Wife.= "WELL, VENABLES, HOW DO YOU THINK WE SOLD THE JERSEY -COW?" - -=Venables.= (_Factotum and Gardener_) "WELL, M'M, MASTER BYLES HAS GOT THE -BETTER O' WE A MANY TIMES, BUT--(_proudly_)--I THINK AS WE A' DONE HE -TO-RIGHTS THIS TURN!!" "_So awkward! and before the Archdeacon, too!_" - -Illustration: "_A Slip o' the Tongue._" - -=Yachting Biped.= "THEN YOU'LL LOOK US UP AT PRIMROSE 'ILL?" - -=New Acquaintance= (_gentlemanly man_). "OH, YES--NEAR THE 'ZOO,' ISN'T -IT? WE OFTEN DROP IN AND HAVE A LOOK AT THE MONKEYS!" - -Illustration: _Confession in Confusion._ - -=Priest.= "NOW, TELL ME, DOOLAN, TRUTHFULLY, HOW OFTEN DO YOU GO TO -CHAPEL?" - -=Pat.= "WILL, NOW, SHURE OI'LL TILL YER RIV'RENCE THE TRUT'. FAIX, I GO AS -OFTEN I CAN AVOID!" - -Illustration: _The New Running Drill._ - -(_A respectful appeal to His Royal Highness the Commander-in-Chief._) - -CAPTAIN BLUARD, AS HE APPEARED IN COMMAND OF HIS COMPANY. - -Illustration: _Our Military Manoeuvres._ - -=Irish Drill-Sergeant= (_to Squad of Militiamen_). "PR'S'NT -'RRMS!"--(_Astonishing result._)--"HIV'NS! WHAT A 'PRISINT'! JIST STIP -OUT HERE NOW, AN' LOOK AT YERSILVES!!" - -Illustration: The Race not yet Extinct. - -=Country Excursionist= (_just landed at G. W. Terminus_). "COULD YOU -INFORM ME WHAT THESE 'ERE BUSSES CHARGE FROM PADDINGTON TO THE BANK?" - -=Dundreary= (_with an effort_). "AU-H, PO' M'SOUL, HAVEN'T AN IDEA-H! -NEVER WODE 'N ONE IN M'LIFE! SHOULD SAY A MERE TWIFLE! P'WAPS A -SHILLING, OR TWO SHILLINGS. 'DON'T THINK THE WASCALS COULD HAVE THE -CONSCIENCE TO CHARGE YOU MORE THAN THWEE SHILLINGS! 'WOULDN'T PAY MORE -THAN FOUR! I'D SEE 'EM AT THE D-D-DOO-OOCE!" - -Illustration: _A Dilemma._ - -=Party= (_overcome by the heat of the Weather_). "HOY! CAB!" - -=Driver.= "ALL RIGHT, SIR, IF YOU'LL JUST WALK TO THE GATE." - -=Party.= "O, BOTHER! WALKING TO 'GATE!" - -=Driver.= "WELL, SIR, IF YOU CAN'T GET THROUGH, I DON'T SEE HOW I CAN GET -OVER!" - -Illustration: Adjustment. - -=Bootmaker= (_who has a deal of trouble with this Customer_). "I THINK, -SIR, IF YOU WERE TO CUT YOUR CORNS, I COULD MORE EASILY FIND YOU A -PAIR----" - -=Choleric Old Gentleman=. "CUT MY CORNS, SIR!--I ASK YOU TO FIT ME A PAIR -O' BOOTS TO MY FEET, SIR!--I'M NOT GOING TO PLANE MY FEET DOWN TO FIT -YOUR BOOTS!!!" - -Illustration: A Mine of Speculation. - -=Dealer= (_to Wavering Customer_). "WELL, OF COURSE WE ALL KNOW THAT--HE'S -GOT 'IS BAD POINTS AN' 'IS GOOD POINTS; BUT WHAT I SAY IS, THERE'S NO -DECEPTION ABOUT 'IS BAD POINTS--WE CAN SEE 'EM. BUT WE CAN'T NONE OF US -TELL 'OW MANY GOOD POINTS HE MAY 'AVE TILL WE COMES TO KNOW 'IM!!" _The -"Party" took time to consider._ - -Illustration: "Argumentum ad Hominem!" - -=Dealer.= "I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE HIS 'EAD, AND I ALLOW HE AIN'T GOT A -PURTY 'EAD; BUT LOR'--NOW LOOK AT GLADSTONE, THE CLEVEREST MAN IN ALL -ENGLAND!--AND LOOK AT 'IS 'EAD"!!! - -Illustration: Veneration. - -=Lodger.= "I SHALL NOT DINE AT HOME TO-DAY, MA'AM, BUT I'VE A FRIEND -COMING THIS EVENING. IF YOU COULD GIVE US SOMETHING NICE FOR SUPPER----" - -=Landlady= (_Low Church_). "WOULD YOU LIKE THE REMAINDER OF THE COLD -TURKEY--AH ('_feels a delicacy_')--HEM! _BEELZE-BUBBED_, SIR?" - -Illustration: A Soft Answer. - -=Irascible Old Gent.= "WAITER! THIS PLATE IS QUITE COLD!" - -=Waiter.= "YESSIR, BUT THE CHOP IS 'OT, SIR, WHICH I THINK YOU'LL FIND -IT'LL WARM UP THE PLATE NICELY, SIR!" - -Illustration: Seasonable Luxury. - -=Old Gent= (_disgusted_). "HECK, WAITER! HERE'S A--HERE'S -A--A--CATERPILLAR IN THIS CHOP!" - -=Waiter= (_flippantly_). "YESSIR. ABOUT THE TIME O' YEAR FOR 'EM JUST NOW, -SIR!" - -Illustration: Education! - -=Papa= (_improving the occasion at Luncheon_). "NOW, LOOK, HARRY, THE -CIRCUMFERENCE OF THIS CAKE IS EQUAL TO ABOUT THREE TIMES THE DIAMETER, -AND----" - -=Harry.= "OH, THEN, PA', LET ME HAVE THE C'CUMF'RENCE FOR MY SHARE!!" - -Illustration: Cricket! - -=Uncle.= "WELL, TOM, AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE IN CRICKET THIS HALF?" - -=Tom.= "OH, BLESS YOU, UNCLE, WE'VE BEEN 'NOWHERE,' THIS SEASON; ALL OUR -BEST 'MEN,' YOU KNOW, WERE DOWN WITH THE _MEASLES_!" - -Illustration: Treacherous Confederate. - -=Uncle George= (_who has been amusing the Young People with some clever -Conjuring_). "NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU SAW ME BURN THE -HANDKERCHIEF.--WOULD YOU BE SURPRISED TO FIND--(_Roars of Laughter_)--I -SHALL PRODUCE THE ORANGE OUR YOUNG FRIEND HERE WAS SO OBLIGING AS TO -OFFER TO TAKE CARE OF, AND INSIDE WHICH, I'VE NO DOUBT, WE SHALL FIND -THE SHILLING?!" - -Illustration: Breaking the Ice. - -=Sprightly Lady.= "MR. DORMERS, WOULD YOU OBLIGE ME WITH----" - -=Bashful Curate= (_who had scarcely spoken to his Fair Neighbour_). "O, -CERTAINLY. WHAT SHALL I HAVE THE PLEASURE TO OFFER?----" - -=Lady.= "----A REMARK!!" - -Illustration: The First Sermon. - -=Aunt.= "WELL, DAISY, HOW DID YOU LIKE 'CHURCH' YESTERDAY?" - -=Daisy.= "O, AUNTY, THEY WERE ALL SO QUIET AND LOOKED SO CROSS, I THOUGHT -I MUST 'A' SCREAMED!!" - -Illustration: "Sweet is Revenge, Especially to Women!" - -CAPTAIN OGLEBY, WHO ANNOYS THE MISS LANKYSTERS SO MUCH ON THE PROMENADE -BY HIS OBTRUSIVE ADMIRATION, IS DISCOVERED EARLY ONE MORNING, BY HIS -EXULTANT VICTIMS, IN THE ACT OF HAVING AN "EASY SHAVE" IN THE SOMEWHAT -LIMITED PREMISES OF THE VILLAGE FIGARO. - -Illustration: Desperate Case! - -=M. A.= (_endeavouring to instil Euclid into the mind of Private Pupil -going into the Army_). "NOW, IF THE THREE SIDES OF THIS TRIANGLE ARE ALL -EQUAL, WHAT WILL HAPPEN?" - -=Pupil= (_confidently_). "WELL, SIR, I SHOULD SAY THE FOURTH WOULD BE -EQUAL, TOO!!" - -Illustration: Exchange! - -=Togswell= (_in the Washing Room at the Office, proceeding to dress for -the De Browney's Dinner-Party_). "HULLO! WHAT THE DOOCE"--(_Pulling out, -in dismay, from black bag, a pair of blue flannel Tights, a pink striped -Jersey, and a spiked canvas Shoe._)--"CONFOUND IT! YES!--I MUST HAVE -TAKEN THAT FELLOW'S BAG WHO SAID HE WAS GOING TO THE ATHLETIC SPORTS -THIS AFTERNOON, AND HE'S GOT MINE WITH MY DRESS CLOTHES!!" - -Illustration: _A Degenerate Son._ - -=The Governor= (_indignantly_). "GEORGE, I'M SURPRISED AT YOU! I SHOULD -HAVE THOUGHT YOU KNEW BETTER! IT'S DISGRACEFUL! IS IT FOR THIS I'VE PAID -HUNDREDS OF POUNDS TO GIVE YOU AN UNIVERSITY EDUCATION, THAT YOU -SHOULD----" - -=Son and Heir= (_with cigar_). "WHY--WHAT HAVE I DONE, GOVERNOR?" - -=The Governor.= "DONE? DARED TO SMOKE, SIR, WHILE YOU ARE _DRINKING MY '34 -PORT_!!" - -Illustration: _Lucid!_ - -=Irish Sergeant= (_to Squad at Judging-Distance Drill_). "NOW, YE'LL PAY -THE GREATEST OF ATTINTION TO THE MAN AT EIGHT HUNDRED YAR-RDS: BECASE, -IF YE CAN'T SEE 'M, YE'LL BE DECEIVED IN HIS 'APPARANCE!!" - -Illustration: _The Riding Lesson._ - -=Riding Master= (_to Sub, who is qualifying himself for the Punjaub -Cavalry_). "IF YER 'EAD WAS ONLY TURNED THE OTHER WAY, WHAT A SPLENDID -CHEST YOU'D 'AVE, MR. BOWDRIB!" - -Illustration: _Look before you Leap._ - -=Middle-Aged Uncle.= "NOT PROPOSED TO HER YET! WHY, WHAT A -SHILLY-SHALLYING FELLOW YOU ARE, GEORGE! YOU'LL HAVE THAT LITTLE WIDOW -SNAPPED UP FROM UNDER YOUR NOSE, AS SURE AS YOU'RE BORN! PRETTY GAL LIKE -THAT--NICE LITTLE PROPERTY--EVIDENTLY LIKES YOU--WITH AN ESTATE IN THE -HIGHLANDS, TOO, AND YOU A SPORTING MAN----" - -=Nephew.= "AH! THAT'S WHERE IT IS, UNCLE! HER FISHING'S GOOD, I KNOW; BUT -I'M NOT SO SURE ABOUT HER _GROUSE_!" - -Illustration: _No Mistake, this Time._ - -=Lodger.= "DEAR ME, MRS. CRIBBLES, YOUR CAT'S BEEN AT THIS MUTTON AGAIN!" - -=Landlady.= "OH NO, MUM, IT CAN'T BE THE CAT. MY 'USBAND SAYS HE B'LIEVES -IT'S THE COLLERLARDA BEETLE!" - -Illustration: _State o' Trade._ - -=Small Girl.= "PLEASE, MRS. GREENSTOUGH, MOTHER SAYS WILL YOU GIVE HER A -LETTUCE?" - -=Mrs. G.= "GIVE?! TELL THEE MOTHER GIV'UM'S DEAD, AND LENDUM'S VERY BAD. -NOTHINK FOR NOTHINK 'ERE, AND PRECIOUS LITTLE FOR SIX-PENCE!!" - -Illustration: "Let Well Alone!" - -=Swell.= "AH--WHAT'S YOUR FARE TO HAMPSTEAD BY THE--AH--NEW LAW?!" - -=Cabby.= "OH, I DON'T KNOW NOTHIN' 'BOUT NO NEW LAWS, SIR!--SAME OLD FARE, -SIR--'LEAVE IT TO YOU,' SIR!" - -Illustration: "_Le Jeu ne Vaut pas la Chandelle._" - -=Old Gent= (_having had to pay twice_). "BUT I'M POSITIVE I HANDED YOU THE -MONEY! IT MAY PROBABLY HAVE DROPPED DOWN THE SLIT IN THE DOOR!" - -=Conductor.= "SLIT IN THE DOOR!--WELL, 'TAIN'T LIKELY I'M GOIN' TO TURN -THE BUS UPSIDE-DOWN FOR SIXPENCE!" - -Illustration: "Tho' Lost to Sight----" - -=Aunt Jemima= (_from the country--her first experience of a "Hansom"_). -"HOY! HOY! STOP THE HORSE! WHERE'S THE COACHMAN!" - -Illustration: Precise. - -=Driver= (_impatient_). "NOW, BILL, WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT?" - -=Conductor.= "GE'TLEMAN WANTS TO BE PUT DOWN AT NO. 20 A IN CLARINGDON -SQUARE, FUST PORTICO ON THE RIGHT AFTER YOU PASS THE 'RED LION,' PRIVATE -ENTRANCE ROUND THE CORNER!" - -=Driver.= "O, CERTAINLY! ASK THE GE'TLEMAN IF WE SHALL DRIVE UP-STAIRS, -AN' SET 'IM DOWN AT 'IS BED-ROOM DOOR IN THE THREE-PAIR BACK?" - -Illustration: _An Extensive Order._ - -"O, PLEASE, MISS, WILL YOU GIVE US TWO 'A'PENNIES FOR A PENNY, AND GI' -ME A DRINK O' WATER, AN' TELL US THE RIGHT TIME? AN' FATHER WANTS A -PIPE; AND LEND MOTHER YESTERDAY'S _'TIZER_."!!! - -Illustration: "_No such Luck._" - -=Young Lady.= "IS IT HUNGRY, THEN? COME ALONG, LITTLE DARLING, IT SHALL -HAVE ITS DINNER." - -=Street-Sweeper= (_overhearing, and misapplying_). "HERE Y'ARE, MISS! -RIGHT YOU ARE! I JEST AM!" _Ah! but it was Fido she was speaking to!_ - -Illustration: "_'Tis Better not to Know._" - -=Impudent Boy= (_generally_). "TRY YER WEIGHT--ONLY A PENNY!" (_To Lady of -commanding proportions in particular._) "TELL YER 'XACT WEIGHT TO A -HOUNCE, MUM!" - -Illustration: _Vested Interests._ - -=Sweeper.= "IF YOU DON'T GET OFF MY CROSSIN', I'LL 'EV YOUR NUMBER!" - -Illustration: "_Chaff._" - -=Apple-Stall Keeper= (_to the Boys_). "NOW, THEN, WHAT ARE YOU GAPING AT? -WHAT DO YOU WANT?" - -=Street Boy.= "NOTHIN'." - -=Apple-Stall Keeper.= "THEN TAKE IT, AND BE OFF!" - -=Street Boy.= "VERY WELL: WRAP IT UP FOR US IN A PIECE O' PAPER!" - -_Bolts._ - -Illustration: "_Is It Possible?!_" - -=Swell= (_lecturing Juvenile Member of Manufacturing Centre_). "YOU SHOULD -ALWAYS--AH--TOUCH YOUR HAT TO A GENTLEMAN----" - -=Factory Lad.= "PLEASE, SIR, I DIDN'T KNOW AS YER WAS ONE!!" - -Illustration: A Panic in the Kitchen. - -=Facetious Page.= "NOW, THEN, HERE'S THE CENSUS, AND MASTER'S ORDERED ME -TO FILL IT UP. I'VE PUT DOWN YOUR AGES WITHIN A YEAR OR SO, AND YOU'RE -TO 'RETURN' YOUR FOLLERERS, IF ANY, HOW MANY, AND STATE 'P'LICE OR -MILITARY,' FEES AND TIPS FROM TRADESMEN AND WISITORS 'PER ANN.,' PRICE -O' KITCHEN-STUFF, AVERAGE O' BREAKAGES, &C., &C." - -Illustration: _Proof Positive._ - -=Mistress.= "YOUR CHARACTER IS SATISFACTORY, BUT I'M VERY PARTICULAR ABOUT -ONE THING: I WISH MY SERVANTS TO HAVE PLENTY, BUT I DON'T ALLOW ANY -WASTE." - -=Page.= "OH, NO, 'M, WHICH I'D EAT AND DRINK TILL I BUSTED, 'M, RATHER -THAN WASTE ANYTHINK, 'M!!" - -Illustration: "_Qualifications._" - -=Painter= (_who has always been ambitious of "writing himself down an -R. A._"). "THINK THEY MIGHT HAVE ELECTED ME, HAVING EXHIBITED AND HAD MY -NAME DOWN ALL THESE YEARS! I MIGHT HAVE----" - -=Friend= (_Man o' the World_). "MY DEAR FELLOW, I'VE ALWAYS TOLD YOU, YOU -DON'T GO THE RIGHT WAY TO WORK. YOU SEE THEY COULD ONLY ELECT YOU FOR -YOUR PAINTING, FOR----WHY DO YOU WEAR SUCH THICK BOOTS?!!" - -Illustration: _Temptation._ - -=Painter.= "YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY YOU WANT ME TO SIGN IT, WHEN I TELL YOU -I DID NOT PAINT IT? AND A BEASTLY COPY IT IS, TOO!" - -=Picture-Dealer.= "VY NOT, GOOT SIR? VY NOT? TUT! TUT! TUT! I ONLY VISH -YOU ARTIS'S VOS MEN OF BIS'NESS!" - -Illustration: "_Spoiling It._" - -=Lord Dabbley.= "WA-AL, STREAKY, WHY I'VE HEARD--AH--YOU'RE NOT GOING -TO--(_yawns_)--HAVE A PICT-YAR AT THE EXHIBITION!" - -=Streaky, R. A.= "HAW, VERY PROBABLY NOT, M'LORD. WELL, I THINK IT -ONLY--AH--GRACEFUL, M'LORD, WE SHOULD OCCASIONALLY FOREGO OUR PRIVILEGED -SPACE FOR THE SAKE OF OUR YOUNGER PAINTERS--AH! BESIDES--I QUESTION IF I -SHALL BE ABLE TO FINISH MY PUBLIC PORTRAITS IN TIME THIS YE-AR!" - -Illustration: "_Particular!_" - -=Young Mumford= (_airily, having learnt that the Lady comes from his part -of the country_). "DESSAY YOU KNOW THE CADGEBYS OF BILCHESTER?--AWFULLY -JOLLY PEOPLE! I----" - -=Haughty Beauty.= "OH NO, WE ONLY VISIT THE COUNTY FAMILIES AND WE _WEED_ -THEM!!" - -_Her partner wishes this "First Set" was "The Lancers."_ - -Illustration: _Vivifying Treatment of a Partner._ - -(_A Tragedy of the last Harrogate Season._) - -=Young Lady= (_to Partner, instantly on their taking their Places_). -"NOW----I'VE BEEN TO FOUNTAINS ABBEY, AND TO BOLTON, AND I'VE SEEN THE -BRIMHAM ROCKS, AND THE DROPPING WELL, AND THE VIEW FROM THE OBSERVATORY, -AND WE HAD A MORNING IN YORK MINSTER, AND WE HAVE BEEN HERE A FORTNIGHT, -AND WE ARE GOING TO STAY ANOTHER, AND PAPA TAKES THE CHALYBEATE WATERS, -AND I AM VERY GLAD THE CAVALRY ARE COMING. NOW YOU MAY BEGIN -CONVERSATION." - -_Utter Collapse of Partner._ - -Illustration: _Arbiter Elegantiarum._ - -=Housemaid.= "OH, PLEASE, 'M, COULD I GO OUT THIS EVENING? 'CAUSE COOK -NEX' DOOR'S GOT A 'LANG'AGE O' FLOWERS BEE,' AND SHE_'s_ REQUESTED ME TO -BE ONE O' THE JUDGES!" - -Illustration: "_The Servants._" - -=Cook.= "THEN, SHALL YOU GO AS 'OUSEMAID?" - -=Young Person.= "NO, INDEED! IF I GO AT ALL, I GO AS LADY 'ELP!" - -Illustration: "_Hard Lines._" - -=Mistress= (_to former Cook_). "WELL, ELIZA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?" - -=Ex-Cook.= "WELL, MUM, AS YOU WOULDN'T GIVE ME NO CHARACTER, I'VE BEEN -OBLIGED TO MARRY A SOLDIER!" - -Illustration: "_Not to Put too Fine a Point on It._" - -_Transatlantic Party._ "LOOK 'ERE, WAITER! CHANGE THIS KNIFE FOR A -PEA-EATER. STRANGER AND ME AIR ON DIFFERENT PLATFORMS, AND I MIGHT HURT -HIM." - -Illustration: "_Never Say 'Die'_" - -=Nephew.= "SURE IT ISN'T GOUT, UNCLE?" - -=Uncle.= "GOUT! SHTUFF AN' NONSHENSH! NOT A BIT OF IT! NO, FACT -IS--PHEW--(_winces_) THESE CON-FOUNDED BOOTMAKERS--THEY MAKE YOUR BOOTS -SO _TIGHT_!!" - -Illustration: _"Ingenuas Didicisse" &c._ - -=Urbane Foreigner.= "THE--AH--CONTEMPLATION OF THESE--AH--RELICS OF -ANCIENT ART IN THE GALLERIES OF EUROPE, MUST BE MOST INT'R'STING TO -THE--AH--EDUCATED AMERICAN!" - -=American Tourist.= "WA'AL, DON'T SEEM TO CARE MUCH FOR THESE _STONE GALS_ -SOMEHOW, STRANGER!" - -Illustration: A Plutocrat. - -=Swell.= "'D YOU OBLIGE ME--AH--BY SHUTTING YOUR WINDOW?--AH----" - -=Second Passenger= (_politely_). "REALLY, SIR, IF YOU WILL NOT PRESS IT, -AS YOURS IS SHUT, THE AIR IS SO WARM I WOULD RATHER KEEP THIS OPEN. YOU -SEEM TO TAKE GREAT CARE OF YOURSELF, SIR----" - -=Swell.= "CARE OF MYSELF! SHOULD WATHER THINK SO. SO WOULD YOU, MY DEAR -FEL-LAH, IF YOU'D SIX THOUSAND A YE-AR!!" - -Illustration: "Matter!" - -=Portly Old Swell= (_on reading Professor Tyndall's Speech_). "DEAR ME! IS -IT POSS'BLE! MOST 'XTR'ORD'NARY!--(_throws down the Review_)--THAT I -SHOULD HAVE BEEN ORIGINALLY A 'PRIMORDIAL ATOMIC GLOBULE'!!" - -Illustration: A Final Appeal. - -"NOW, GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, I THROW MYSELF UPON YOUR IMPARTIAL -JUDGEMENT AS HUSBANDS AND FATHERS, AND I CONFIDENTLY ASK, DOES THE -PRISONER LOOK LIKE A MAN WHO WOULD KNOCK DOWN AND TRAMPLE UPON THE WIFE -OF HIS BOSOM? GENTLEMEN, I HAVE DONE!" - -Illustration: _Division of Labor._ - -=Facetious Volunteer Sub.= "LOOK HERE, CAPTAIN; I'M TIRED OF THIS FUN. DO -YOU MIND LOOKING AFTER THE MEN WHILE I GO AND GET TAKEN PRISONER?" - -Illustration: "_Off._" - -=Sergeant O'Leary.= "DOUBLE! LEFT! RIGHT! WHAT THE BLAZES, PAT ROONEY, -D'YE MANE BY NOT DOUBLIN' WID THE SQUAD!?" - -=Pat.= "SHURE, SERGEANT, 'TWASN'T A FAIR START!" - -Illustration: _"Where Ignorance is Bliss" &c._ - -=Frugal Housewife= (_has a large Family_). "OH, MR. STICKINGS, I SEE BY -THE DAILY PAPERS THAT THE PRICE OF MEAT HAS FALLEN TWOPENCE A POUND. I -THINK YOU OUGHT TO MAKE SOME REDUCTION IN YOUR CHARGES!" - -=Country Butcher.= "WERRY SORRY, MUM, BUT WE DON'T TAKE IN NO DAILY -PAPERS, MUM!!" - -Illustration: _Complimentary._ - -=Collier= (_about the Dog_). "YES, SIR, AW GOT HIM IN MANCHESTER, YONDER, -AN' DOCTOR AW'S GOING T' AX YE, HEY Y' ONY OBJECTION TIN US NAMIN' HIM -EFTHER YE?!" - -=Young Medical Man= (_rather pleased_). "OH, DEAR NO, BY ALL MEANS--'DON'T -KNOW ABOUT THE COMPLIMENT, THOUGH, HE'S NOT A BEAUTY TO LOOK AT!" - -=Collier.= "MEBBEES NOT, DOCTOR; BUT--SMASH!--MUN, HE'S A BEGGAR TO -KILL!!" - -Illustration: "(_Not_) _Thankful for Small Mercies_" - -=Cat's-Meat Man.= "WHAT 'A YER GOT FOR DINNER TO-DAY, JOE?" - -=Crossing-Sweeper.= "OH, A BIT O' ROAST WEAL, SENT ME UP FROM NO. 6 IN -THE CRESCENT 'ERE--AN' YER WOULDN'T B'LLEVE IT!--NOT A MOSSEL O' -STUFFIN--AH, AN' NOT SO MUCH AS A SLICE O' LEMON!--AND (_with a sneer_) -CALLS THEIRSELVES RESPECT'BLE PEOPLE, I'VE NO DOUBT!!" - -Illustration: _Delicacy._ - -=Edwin= (_as the Servant is present_). "AH--J'ETTAY SEE--AH--DISAPPOINTAY -DE NE PAS VOO VWORE A LA RINK CE MATTANG--POORQWAW ESKER----?" - -=Angelina.= "AH WEE, MAIS MOMMONG----" - -=Parlour-Maid.= "HEM! BEG YOUR PARDON, MISS; BUT I UNDERSTAND THE -LANGVIDGE!!" - -Illustration: "The Servants." - -=Mistress.= "JANE, TELL COOK I'LL COME DOWN AND SEE WHAT SHE WANTS DONE TO -THAT STOVE, AS THE BUILDER'S COMING TO-MORROW." - -=Jane.= "O, PLEASE, 'UM, I DON'T THINK WE CAN AST YOU INTO THE KITCHING TO -DAY, MUM, AS COOK AND ME'S GOT A SMALL AND EARLY 'AT OME' THIS -AFTERNOON, MUM!" - -Illustration: Retributive Justice. - -=Farmer= (_giving the Culprit a Box o' the Ear_). "HOW DARE YOU BEAT THOSE -GOSLINS, YOU YOUNG RASCAL? I SAW YOU!" - -=Boy.= "BOO, OO, OO, WHAT FURR'D THEY GORS-CHICKS FEYTHER BOITE OI THEN -FURR?!" - -Illustration: "By the Card." - -=Pedestrian.= "HOW FAR IS IT TO SLUDGECOMBE, BOY?" - -=Boy.= "WHY 'BOUT TWENTY 'UNDERD THEAUSAN' MILD 'F Y' GOO 'S Y'ARE AGOOIN' -NOW, AN' 'BOUT HALF A MILD 'F YOU TURN RIGHT REAOUND AN' GOO T' OTHER -WAY!!" - -Illustration: _In Jeopardy._ - -THE NEW BOY WAS ENJOINED TO BE VERY CAREFUL HOW HE CARRIED THE -FIDDLE-CASE--"BY THE HANDLE, AND TO MIND NOT TO KNOCK IT AGAINST -ANYTHING!" IMAGINE THE HORROR OF MR. PITSEY CARTER, HIS MASTER, WHO WAS -FOLLOWING, TO COME UPON THE RASCAL, WITH THE INVALUABLE "JOSEPH" ON HIS -HEAD, EXECUTING A PAS-SEUL OVER A SKIPPING-ROPE!! - -Illustration: Heresy. - -=Mamma.= "YOU KNOW WHO BUILT THE ARK, GEORGE?" - -=George= (_promptly_). "NOAH, 'MA." - -=Mamma.= "AND WHAT DID HE BUILD IT FOR?" - -=George= (_dubiously_). "FOR LITTLE BOYS TO PLAY WITH, 'MA?!" - -Illustration: "Oh, the Mistletoe Bough!" - -=Greengrocer, Jun.= (_to whom our Little Friend in Velvet had applied for -a piece of Mistletoe for his own private diversion_). "I'VE GOT YER A -BIT, MASTER GEORGE. IT AIN'T A VERY BIG PIECE, BUT THERE'S LOTS O' -BERRIES ON IT; _AN' IT'S THE BERRIES AS DOES IT_"!!! - -Illustration: Culture for the Working Classes. - -=Philanthropic Employer= (_who has paid his Workpeople's expenses to a -neighbouring Fine-Art Exhibition_). "WELL, JOHNSON, WHAT DID YOU THINK -OF IT? 'PICK UP AN IDEA OR TWO?" - -=Foreman.= "WELL, YER SEE, SIR, IT WERE A THIS WAY. WHEN US GOT THERE, WE -WAS A CONSIDERIN' WHAT WAS BEST TO BE DONE, SO WE APP'INTED A -DEPPERTATION O' THREE ON US TO SEE WHAT IT WERE LIKE; AN' WHEN THEY COME -OUT AN' SAID IT WERE ONLY PICTURS AN' SUCH, WE THOUGHT IT A PITY TO -SPEND OUR SHILLINS ON 'EM. SO WE WENT TO THE TEA-GARDENS, AND WERY -PLEASANT IT WERE, TOO. THANK YER KINDLY, SIR!" - -Illustration: A Casual Acquaintance. - -=West-End Man= (_addressing, as he supposes, Intelligent Mechanic_). "CAN -YOU DIRECT ME TO THE MOORGATE STREET STATION?" - -=Seedy Party.= "MO'RGATE STREET STATION, SIR? STRAIGHT ON, SIR, FUST -TURNIN' T' THE RIGHT, AND IT'S JUST OPPOSYTE. AND NOW, YOU'VE -INTERDOOCED THE SUBJECT, SIR, IF YOU COULD ASSIST ME WITH A TRIFLE, SIR, -WHICH I'VE 'AD NOTHIN' TO EAT SINCE LAST FRIDAY----" - -_West-End Man not having an answer ready, forks out, and exit._ - -Illustration: "Circumlocutory!" - -=Polite Coster= (_seeing Smoke issuing from Brown's coat-pocket_). "YOU'LL -EXCUSE ME ADDRESSIN' O' YOU, SIR,--COMMON MAN IN A MANNER O' -SPEAKIN'--GEN'LEMAN LIKE YOU, SIR--BEGGIN' PARDON FOR TAKIN' THE -LIBERTY, WHICH I SHOULD NEVER A' THOUGHT O' DOIN' UNDER ORDINARY -SUCCUMSTANCES, SIR, ON'Y YOU DIDN'T SEEM TO BE AWARE ON IT, BUT IT -STRUCK ME AS I SEE YOU A GOIN' ALONG, AS YOU WERE A-FIRE, SIR!" - -_By this time Brown's right coat-tail was entirely consumed. His fuzees -had ignited by private arrangement among themselves._ - -Illustration: _Alarming._ - -=Buttons= (_as he burst into his Master's room on the night of Wednesday, -the 7th: he had just seen that wonderful shooting star_). "OH, PLEASE, -SIR, THEM METEORS IS A GOIN' OFF AG'IN!!" - -=Scientific Old Gent= (_startled out of his first sleep, and -misunderstanding the intelligence_). "OH!--EH!--WHAT!--TURN IT OFF AT -THE _MAIN_!!" - -Illustration: _Weights and Measures._ - -=Valetudinarian= (_in the course of Conversation with intelligent -Passenger, whom he takes to be a Dignitary of the Church_). "NOW, WHAT -SHOULD YOU THINK WAS MY WEIGHT?" - -=Gentleman in Black.= "WELL, SIR--LET ME SEE--YOU STAND ABOUT FIVE FEET -ELEVEN, THIRTY INCHES ACROSS CHEST, AND WE'LL SAY ELEVEN INCHES -DEEP--WELL, I SHOULD SAY, SPEAKING AT RANDOM, YOU WOULD 'LIFT' AT ABOUT -ELEVEN STUN' AND THREE QUARTERS!" - -_Horror of Invalid--his fellow-passenger was an UNDERTAKER!_ - -Illustration: "_Small Mercies._" - -=First Jolly Angler= (_with empty Creel_). "WELL, WE'VE HAD A VERY -PLEASANT DAY! WHAT A DELIGHTFUL PURSUIT IT IS!" - -=Second Ditto= (_with ditto_). "GLORIOUS! I SHAN'T FORGET THAT NIBBLE WE -HAD JUST AFTER LUNCH, AS LONG AS I LIVE!" - -=Both.= "AH!!" - -Illustration: Tyranny. - -=First Rough.= "WE'RE A GOIN' TO BE EDGICATED NOW, C'MPULSORY, OR ELSE GO -TO THE TREADMILL!" - -=Second Rough.= "AH! NO VUNDER SO MANY POOR PEOPLE'S A EMIGRATIN'!" - -Illustration: A Perfect Cure. - -=Town Man.= "HOW JOLLY IT MUST BE, LIVING DOWN HERE IN THE COUNTRY!" - -=Country Gentleman.= "OH, I DON'T KNOW. IT'S RATHER TORPID SORT OF LIFE; -TIME PASSES VERY SLOWLY." - -=Town Man.= "TIME PASSES SLOWLY? YOU SHOULD GET SOMEBODY TO DRAW ON YOU AT -THREE MONTHS!!" - -Illustration: In Consequence of the Tailors' Strike. - -GEORGE AND THE GOVERNOR HAVE THEIR CLOTHES MADE AT HOME. - -=George.= "ARE YOU SURE YOU TOOK MY RIGHT MEASURE, CHARLOTTE?" - -=Charlotte.= "OH, GEORGE, I'M SURE IT FITS BEAUTIFULLY!!" - -Illustration: "As Well as Can be Expected." - -=Horsey Parish Doctor= (_late for the Meet_). "WELL, MOTHER, AND HOW'S -YOUR DAUGHTER, AND THE BABBY--POORLY, EH? AH, WELL, GIVE HIM A PINCH O' -BRIMSTONE IN HIS PAP, AND I'LL LOOK IN TO-MORROW." - -Illustration: Penny Wise. - -=National Schoolmaster= (_going round with Government Inspector_). -"WILKINS, HOW DO YOU BRING SHILLINGS INTO PENCE?" - -=Pupil.= "PLEASE, SIR, 'TAKES IT ROUND TO THE PUBLIC-'OUSE, SIR!!" - -Illustration: Reminiscences. - -=Governess.= "SHOW MR. SMITHERS YOUR NEW DOLL, ADA." - -=Old Rustic.= "AH--LOR'--DEARY ME, MUM, IF IT AIN'T THE VERY MODAL OF MY -OLD WOMAN WHEN SHE WAS IN HER PRIME!!" - -Illustration: "Hoist with His Own 'Pomade'!" - -=Customer= (_worried into it_). "WELL, I DON'T MIND TAKING A SMALL -BOTTLE----" - -=Barber.= "BETTER 'AVE A TWO SHILLIN' ONE, SIR; IT 'OLDS FOUR TIMES AS -MUCH AS THE OTHER----" - -=Customer= (_turning upon him_). "O, THEN IF I TAKE THIS SHILLING BOTTLE, -I SHALL BE DONE OUT OF HALF MY MONEY'S WORTH! THEN I WON'T HAVE ANY!" -_Escapes in triumph!_ - -Illustration: Distracting. - -=Customer.= "WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE BISHOP'S SERMON ON SUNDAY, MR. -WIGSBY?" - -=Hairdresser.= "WELL, REALLY, SIR, THERE WAS A GENT A-SETTIN' IN FRONT O' -ME AS 'AD HIS 'AIR PARTED THAT CROOKED I COULDN'T 'EAR A WORD!" - -Illustration: A Compliment. - -=Hairdresser.= "ANY OFF THE BEARD, SIR?" - -=Customer.= "NO, THANK YOU. I'VE LATELY TRIMMED IT MYSELF." - -=Hairdresser.= "INDEED, SIR! I SHOULD NOT HAVE THOUGHT ANY GENTLEMAN OUT -OF THE PROFESSION COULD HAVE DONE IT SO WELL!!" - -Illustration: XXX Cellent Reasons. - -=Free and Independent= (_to wavering_) =Elector=. "YOU DON'T ADMIRE HIS -POLITICS? POLITICS BE BLOWED! LOOK AT HIS PRINCIPLES! THAT MAN ALLUS -BREWS FIVE-AND-TWENTY BUSHELS TO THE HOGSHEAD!" - -Illustration: Sympathy. - -=Giles= (_ruefully_). "VILLIAM, I'VE BEEN AN' GONE AN' 'LISTED!" - -=William.= "LOR'! 'AVE YER, THOUGH? GOT THE SHILLIN'?" - -=Giles.= "YES." - -=William.= "WELL, THEN, LET'S GO AN' 'AVE A GLASS AT THE 'BARLEY-MOW.' -DON'T LET'S BE DOWN'EARTED!" - -Illustration: Liberal to a Fault. - -=the missus= (_affably_). "MY 'USBAN'S OUT JUST NOW, SIR. CAN I GIVE HIM -ANY MESSAGE?" - -=liberal candidate.= "AH--I HAVE CALLED WITH THE HOPE THAT--AH--HE'D -PROMISE ME HIS VOTE AT THE APPROACH----" - -=the missus.= "OH, YES, SIR. YOU'RE CAP'M BILKE, THE 'YALLOW,' I S'POSE, -SIR! YES, I'M SURE HE'LL BE MOST 'APPY, SIR!" - -=the captain= (_delighted_). "YA-AS--I SHALL BE MUCH OBLIGED TO -HIM--AND--AH--HE MAY DEPEND UPON MY----" - -=the missus.= "YES, I'M SURE HE'D PROMISE YOU IF HE WAS AT HOME, SIR; -'CAUSE WHEN THE TWO 'BLUE' GENTS CALLED AND AS'ED HIM THE OTHER DAY, -SIR, HE PROMISED 'EM D'REC'LY, SIR!!" - -Illustration: Civil Service Miseries. - -=Mamma= (_who has been Shopping at the Co-Operative_). "GOOD GRACIOUS, -DEARS, WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THESE PARCELS?" - -=Youngest Daughter.= "OH, PA' CAN TAKE THE LARGE ONE, MA', AND HE MIGHT -CARRY SOME OF THE SMALL ONES IN HIS POCKETS!!" _Pa', who has been -waiting outside, feels he's in for it._ - -Illustration: "Men were Deceivers Ever." - -=Swell= (_at the Civil Service Co-Operative Store_). "HAW! I WANT TWO OR -THWEE POUNDS--BACON--AND--AW--'BLIGE ME BY DOING IT UP LIKE BOX--GLOVES -OR FLOWERS, OR SOMETHING O' THAT SORT!!" - -Illustration: A Sinister Slip. - -=Smith.= "HULLO, BROWN! 'BEEN FOR YOUR ANNUAL COLLIS----I MEAN YOUR ANNUAL -EXCURSION, YET?" - -_Brown was highly nervous, and this malign suggestion quite upset him. -He spent his holiday at home!_ - -Illustration: Force of Habit. - -=City Merchant= (_blissfully dozing in his Country Church_). "SEASON -TICKET!!" - -Illustration: "_Alma Mater._" - -_Young Puncheonby "cuts" the Army, and goes to Oxford to read for "the -Church."_ - -=Tutor.= "YOU ARE PREPARED IN SUBSCRIBE TO THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES----" - -=Puncheonby= (_with alacrity_). "AH 'TH PLEASH 'AH,--AH--HOW MU-CH--." - -Illustration: _Embarrassing._ - -=Nervous Spinster= (_to wary Old Bachelor_). "OH, MR. MARIGOLD, I'M SO -FRIGHTENED! MAY I TAKE HOLD OF YOUR HAND WHILE WE'RE GOING THROUGH THIS -TUNNEL?" - -Illustration: A Straightforward View. - -=High Church Curate.= "AND WHAT DO YOU THINK, MR. SIMPSON, ABOUT A -CLERGYMAN'S TURNING TO THE EAST?" - -=Literal Churchwarden.= "WELL, SIR, MY OPINION IS, THAT IF THE CLERGY MAN -IS GOODLOOKIN', HE DON'T WANT TO TURN HIS BACK TO THE CONGREGATION!" - -Illustration: "The Better the Day." &c. - -=Rustic= (_to Curate who dabbles in Photography_). "I'D BE TURR'BLE MUCH -OBLIGED, ZUR, IF YOU'D MAP OFF MY PICTUR', ZUR!" - -=Curate.= "WELL, MY MAN, I'LL TAKE YOUR LIKENESS FOR YOU. WHEN WILL YOU -COME?" - -=Rustic.= "WELL, ZUR, IF YOU'VE NO 'BJECTIONS, I BE MOASTLY CLEANED UP AND -HAS MOAST TIME O' ZUNDAY MARNINS, ZUR!!" - -Illustration: A Distinction. - -=The "Good Parson"= (_to Applicant for Instruction in the Night School_). -"HAVE YOU BEEN CONFIRMED, MY BOY?" - -=Boy= (_hesitating_). "PLEASE, SIR--I--DON'T KNOW----" - -=Parson.= "YOU UNDERSTAND ME; HAS THE BISHOP LAID HIS HANDS ON YOU?" - -=Boy.= "OH, NO, SIR; BUT HIS KEEPER HAVE, SIR--VERY OFTEN, SIR!!" - -Illustration: Considerate. - -=Churchwarden.= "TELL YE WHAT 'TIS, SIR. THE CONGREGATION DO WISH YOU -WOULDN'T PUT THAT 'ERE CURATE UP IN PULPIT--NOBODY CAN'T HEAR UN." - -=Old Sporting Rector.= "WELL, BLUNT, THE FACT IS, TWEEDLER'S SUCH A GOOD -FELLOW FOR PARISH WORK, I'M OBLIGED TO GIVE HIM _A MOUNT_ SOMETIMES." - -Illustration: Rustic Recollections. - -=Boy.= "PLEASE, PA-ARSON, MOTHER WANTS SOME SOUP." - -=The Rector.= "BUT I TOLD YOUR MOTHER SHE MUST SEND SOMETHING TO PUT IT -IN." - -=Boy.= "OH, PLEASE, SHE'VE SENT THIS YEAR PA-AIL VOR 'UN, PA-ARSON!!" - -Illustration: _Not a "Silver Lining" to a Cloud._ - -=Adolphus= (_grandly; he is giving his future brother-in-law a little -dinner down the river_). "WAITAR, YOU CAN--AH--LEAVE US!" - -=Old Waiter.= "HEM!--YESSIR--BUT--YOU'LL PARD'N ME, SIR--WE'VE SO MANY -GENTS--'DON'T WISH TO IMPUTE NOTHINK, SIR--BUT MASTER--'FACT IS, -SIR--(_evidently feels a delicacy about mentioning it_)--WE'RE--YOU SEE, -SIR--_'SPONSIBLE FOR THE PLATE, SIR!!!_" - -Illustration: "_What's in a Name?_" - -=Waiter= (_to nervous invalid_). "THERE'S THE OLD CHURCH, SIR, CLOSE BY, -BUT SOME VISITORS GOES TO ST. WOBBLEOE'S, SIR. THERE THE CLERGYMAN -PREACHES _DISTEMPERY_!!" - -_Clearly not the place for him, the old gentleman thinks, with a -shudder._ - -Illustration: _A New Dish._ - -=Sympathising Swell= (_waiting for some chicken_). "YOU'VE GOT NO SINECURE -THERE, THOMAS!" - -=Perspiring Footman.= "VERY SORRY, SIR--JUST 'ELPED THE LAST OF IT AWAY, -SIR!" - -Illustration: Our Artist - -IS NOT IN THE BEST OF TEMPERS. HE HAS BEEN DISTURBED OFTEN BY BARGES, -AND BOTHERED BY THE BLUEBOTTLES, AND THEN HE'S ACCOSTED BY WHAT APPEARS -TO HIM IN THIS IRRITABLE MOOD TO BE AN - -=Art-Critic= (_loq._) "THE PICTURE LOOKS BETTER A GOODISH BIT OFF, -GOV'NOUR!" - -=Artist= (_maddened_). "CON--FOUND----SO DO YOU, SIR!" _Party makes off -hastily, "not liking the looks of him."_ - -Illustration: Hunting Idiot, - -RETURNING FROM THE CHASE, PROPOSES TO "CHAFF THAT ARTIST FELLER." - -=Huntsman.= "WHAT'LL YER TAKE ME FOR, GOV'NOUR?" - -=Painter= (_without the slightest hesitation_). A _SNOB_! - -Illustration: Boxing-Day. - -(_Mrs. Bustleton's favourite Cabman has called for his usual -Christmas-Box in a state of----never mind._) - -=Mrs. B.= "OH, SAWYER, I'M SURPRISED--I THOUGHT YOU SUCH A STEADY MAN! I'M -SORRY TO SEE YOU GIVEN TO DRINK!" - -=Sawyer.= "BEG Y' PAR'N MUM, NO S'H 'HING MUM (_hic_). DRINK 'ASH GI'N T' -ME, MUM, 'SH MORN'N, MUM!!" - -Illustration: An Old Offender. - -=Country Gentleman= (_eyeing his Gardener suspiciously_). "DEAR, DEAR MR. -JEFFRIES, THIS IS TOO BAD! AFTER WHAT I SAID TO YOU YESTERDAY, I DIDN'T -THINK TO FIND YOU----" - -=Gardener.= "YOU CAN'T SHAY--(_hic_)--I WASH DRUNK YESHT'DAY, SH----!" - -=Country Gentleman= (_sternly_). "ARE YOU SOBER THIS MORNING, SIR?" - -=Gardener.= "I'M--SHLIGHTLY SHOBER, SHIR!!" - -Illustration: Irrevocable. - -=Customer= (_for the Royal Wedding photograph_). "CAN'T I HAVE THE LADY -ONLY? I DON'T SO MUCH WANT THE GENTLEMAN!!" - -=Young Person= (_with decision_). "NO, SIR; WE CAN'T PART THEM, SIR, -_NOW_!" - -Illustration: Mrs. Jingleton. Learning that Young M Skirlygy - -(FROM WHOSE FAMILY SHE RECEIVED SUCH POLITENESS WHEN SHE WAS IN THE -HIGHLANDS) WAS IN TOWN, AND HAVING HEARD SO MUCH OF HIS PLAYING, ASKS -HIM TO ONE OF HER LITTLE PARTIES FOR CLASSICAL MUSIC, AND HOPES HE WILL -'OBLIGE' DURING THE EVENING.--HA! HA! SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HIS -INSTRUMENT WAS! - -Illustration: Arcadian Amenities. - -=Little Rustic= (_after a "game" struggle, evidently overweighted_). "OH, -PLEASE, HELP US ALONG 'ITH THIS LINEN UP TO MOTHER'S----" - -=Amiable Swell= (_aghast_). "EH! OH, RIDICULOUS--HOW CAN I?--LOOK HERE, -I'VE GOT A BAG--HEAVY BAG--TO CARRY MYSELF----" - -=Little Rustic.= "I'LL CARRY YOUR BAG, SIR." - -=Swell.= "EH--BUT (_to gain time_) WH--WHAT'S YOUR MOTHER'S ABSURD NAME?" -_This did not help him much. There was no escape; and ultimately----but -we draw a veil over the humiliating sequel._ - -Illustration: A Big Fish. - -=Artful Damsel= (_who has made a successful throw_). "O, LORD FEUBIGGIN, -HOWEVER SHALL I MANAGE----." - -=Lord Feubiggin= (_caught, two_). "PRAY LET ME SHOW YOU! ALL DEPENDS ON -HOW YOU PLAY YOUR FISH!" _We betray confidence for once. This Picture -comes from a Letter sent by a newly-married Lady (now of title), to a -particular Friend of hers, and is called a "Reminiscence of Scotland." -Perhaps our Readers can guess at the Story--we cannot._ - -Illustration: The Pic-Nic. - -=Playful Widow.= "JUMP ME DOWN, MR. FIGGINS!!" - -_The gallant little Man did his best, but fell--in her estimation for -ever!_ - -Illustration: Artful--Very! - -=Mary.= "DON'T KEEP A SCREOUGIN' O' ME, JOHN!" - -=John.= "WH'OI BEAN'T A SCREOUGIN' ON YER!" - -=Mary= (_ingenuously_). "WELL, Y' CAN I' Y' LIKE, JOHN!" - -Illustration: "_The Grey Mare!_" - -=Mrs. B.= (_taking the reins_). "NO, BROWN, I WILL NOT HAVE THE PONY -BACKED! NO! THAT PERSON MUST HAVE SEEN US COME INTO THE LANE FIRST; AND -IF THE MAN'S GOT COMMON POLITENESS----" - -=Mr. B.= "BUT, MY DEAR, WE'VE ONLY JUST TURNED THE----" - -=Mrs. B.= "I DON'T CARE, BROWN! NO! I WON'T GO BACK, IF I STAY HERE -TILL----" - -=Farmer.= "ALL RIGHT, SIR!--I'LL BACK, SIR. I'VE GOT JUST SUCH ANOTHER -_VIXEN_ AT HOME, SIR!" - -Illustration: _How We Arrange Our Little Dinners._ - -=Mistress.= "OH, COOK, WE SHALL WANT DINNER FOR FOUR THIS EVENING. WHAT DO -YOU THINK, BESIDES THE JOINT, OF OX-TAIL SOUP, LOBSTER PATES, AND AN -ENTREE--SAY, BEEF?" - -=Cook.= "YES, 'M--FRESH, OR AUSTR----?" - -=Mistress.= "LET'S SEE! IT'S ONLY THE BROWNS--TINNED WILL DO!" - -Illustration: _Conclusive._ - -=Lodger.= "I DETECT RATHER A DISAGREEABLE SMELL IN THE HOUSE, MRS. JONES. -ARE YOU SURE THE DRAINS----" - -=Welsh Landlady.= "OH, IT CAN'T BE THE DRAINS, SIR, WHATEVER. THERE ARE -NONE, SIR!!" - -Illustration: _Our Manoeuvres._ - -=Captain of Skirmishers= (_rushing in to seize Picket Sentries of the -Enemy_). "HULLO! HE-AR! YOU SURRENDER TO THIS COMPANY!" - -=Opposition Lance-Corporal.= "BEG PARDON, SIR! IT'S THE OTHER WAY, SIR. -WE'RE A BRIGADE, SIR!!!" - -Illustration: "Our Reserves,"--The Battle of Amesbury. - -=Aide-de-Camp.= "GOOD GRACIOUS, SIR! WHY DON'T YOU ORDER YOUR MEN TO LIE -DOWN UNDER THIS HILL? CAN'T YOU SEE THAT BATTERY PLAYING RIGHT ON THEM?" - -=Colonel of Volunteers.= "SO I DID, SIR. BUT THEY WON'T LIE DOWN. THEY SAY -THEY WANT TO SEE THE REVIEW!!" - -Illustration: A Little Failing. - -=Nervous Old Lady.= "NOW, CABMAN, YOU'RE SURE YOUR HORSE IS QUIET? WHAT'S -HE LAYING BACK HIS EARS LIKE THAT FOR? LOOK!" - -=Cabby.= "O THAT'S ONLY HER FEMI-NINE CUR'OSITY, MUM. SHE LIKES TO HEAR -WHERE SHE'S A GOIN' TO!" - -Illustration: The Connoisseurs. - -=Groom.= "WHEW'S BEER DO YOU LIKE BEST--THIS 'ERE HOM'BREWED O' FISK'S, OR -THAT THERE ALE THEY GIVES YER AT THE WHITE HO'S?" - -=Keeper= (_critically_). "WELL, O' THE TEW I PREFERS THIS 'ERE. THAT THERE -O' WUM'OOD'S DON'T FARE TO ME TO TASTE O' NAWTHUN AT ALL. NOW THIS 'ERE -DEW TASTE O' THE CASK!!" - -Illustration: "Io Bacche!" - -=Jeames.= "MORNIN', MR. JARVICE. WHAT'S THE NEWS?" - -=Mr. J.= (_the old Coachman_). "WELL, I'VE 'EARD THE BEST BIT O' NEWS THIS -MORNING AS I'VE 'EARD FOR MANY A DAY, FROM OUR BUTLER. HE TELL ME THE -WIN'YARDS IS 'A COMIN' ROUND,' AND THERE'S EVERY PROSPEC' OF OUR GETTIN' -SOME MORE GOOD MADEIRY!!" - -Illustration: A Veteran. - -=Civil Service Captain.= "WILL--HE--AH--STAND POW-DAR?" - -=Dealer.= "'POWDER?' WHY HE WAS ALL THROUGH THE BATTLE O' WATERLOO THAT -CHARGER WAS!!" - -Illustration: "What's the Odds?" - -=Purchaser.= "HE'S RATHER HEAVY ABOUT THE HEAD, ISN'T HE?" - -=Dealer= (_can't deny it_). "WELL, SIR! (_Happy thought._) BUT Y'SEE, SIR, -HE'LL HEV TO CARRY IT HISSELF!" - -Illustration: _"There's Many a Slip" &c._ - -WAGGLES SAW A SPLENDID THREE-POUND TROUT FEEDING IN A QUIET PLACE ON THE -THAMES ONE EVENING LAST WEEK. DOWN HE COMES THE NEXT NIGHT, MAKING SURE -OF HIM! BUT SOME OTHER PEOPLE HAD SEEN HIM TOO!!! - -Illustration: _Lingua "East Anglia."_ - -=First Angler= (_to Country Boy_). "I SAY, MY LAD, JUST GO TO MY FRIEND ON -THE BRIDGE THERE, AND SAY I SHOULD BE MUCH OBLIGED TO HIM IF HE'D SEND -ME SOME BAIT." - -=Country Boy= (_to Second Angler, in the Eastern Counties language_). -"THA' THERE BO' SAHY HE WANT A WURRUM!!" - -Illustration: _A Luxurious Habit._ - -=Philanthropist= (_to Railway Porter_). "THEN WHAT TIME DO YOU GET TO -BED?" - -=Porter.= "WELL, I SELDOM WHAT YER MAY CALL GETS TO BED MYSELF, 'CAUSE O' -THE NIGHT TRAINS. BUT MY BROTHER, AS USED TO WORK THE P'INTS FURTHER -DOWN THE LINE, WENT TO BED LAST CHRISTMAS AFTER THE ACCIDENT, AND -NEVER----" - -_Train rushes in, and the Parties rush off._ - -Illustration: _The Golden Age Restored._ - -=Young Lady= (_Through Passenger, at West Riding Station_). "WHAT'S GOING -ON HERE TO-DAY, PORTER? HAS THERE BEEN A FETE?" - -=Porter= (_astonished_). "BLESS THEE, LASS! THERE'S NEA FEIGHTIN' -NOO-A-DAYS; 'T'S AGIN T' LA-AW!--NOBBUT A FLOOER-SHOW!" - -Illustration: "No Accounting for Taste." - -=Materfamilias= (_just arrived at Shrimpville--the Children had been down -a Month before_). "WELL, JANE, HAVE YOU FOUND IT DULL?" - -=Nurse.= "IT WAS AT FUST, M'M. THERE WAS NOTHINK TO IMPROVE THE MIND, M'M, -TILL THE NIGGERS COME DOWN!!" - -Illustration: Sold Cheap. - -=Little Brown= (_to "Nigger Minstrel," who always addresses his listeners -as "My Lord"_). "AH, HOW DID YOU KNOW MY----AH--HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS A -LORD?" _Sensation among the bystanders!_ - -=Minstrel.= "BLESS YER, MY LORD, I NEVER LOSE SIGHT O' MY SCHOOLFELLERS!" - -_Roars of laughter. Little B. caves in, and bolts!_ - -Illustration: Selling Him a Pennyworth. - -=Philanthropist.= "THERE'S A PENNY FOR YOU, MY LAD. WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH -IT?" - -=Sweeper.= "WHAT ALL THIS AT ONCE! I'LL TOSS YER FOR IT, DOUBLE OR -QUITS!" - -Illustration: A Change for the Better. - -=Greengrocer.= "WANT A PENN'ORTH O' COALS, DO YER? YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO -'AVE A PENN'ORTH MUCH LONGER. THEY'RE A GOING UP. COALS IS COALS NOW, I -CAN TELL YER!" - -=Boy.= "AH, WELL, MOTHER'LL BE GLAD O' THAT, 'CAUSE SHE SAYS THE LAST -COALS SHE HAD O' YOU WAS ALL SLATES!!" - -Illustration: _Colloquial Equivalents._ - -=Papa.= "NOW, MY DEAR GIRLS, YOUR BROTHER IS RECEIVING A MOST EXPENSIVE -EDUCATION, AND I THINK THAT WHILE HE IS AT HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS YOU -SHOULD TRY TO LEARN SOMETHING FROM HIM." - -=Emily.= "SO WE DO, 'PA. WE'VE LEARNT THAT A BOY WHO CRIES IS A 'BLUB,' -THAT A BOY WHO WORKS HARD IS A 'SWOT'"---- - -=Flora.= "YES, AND THAT ANYBODY YOU DON'T LIKE IS A 'CAD;' AND WE KNOW THE -MEANING OF 'GRUB,' 'PROG,' AND A 'WAX'" - -Illustration: "The Meat Supply." - -=Bathing-Man.= "YES, MUM, HE'S A GOOD OLD 'ORSE YET. AND HE'S BEEN IN THE -SALT WATER SO LONG, HE'LL MAKE CAPITAL BILED BEEF WHEN WE'RE DONE WITH -HIM!!!" - -Illustration: "_Tracts._" - -=First Navvy.= "T' NEW MISSION-ARY GAVE ME THIS 'ERE TRACK JUST NOW, -BILL." - -=Second Navvy.= "AIN'T SEEN HIM. WHAT LOIKE IS HE?" - -=First Navvy.= "LITTLE CHAP--PREACHES ABOUT EIGHT STUN TEN, I SHOULD -GUESS!" - -Illustration: "_A Ticket of Leave_." - -=Swell= (_who won't be done_). "H'YARS MY KYARD IF YOU'D--AH--LIKE TO -SUMMON ME." - -=Cabby= (_who has pulled up and heard the dispute_). "DON'T YOU TAKE IT, -BILL. IT'S HIS TICKET O' LEAVE!" - -Illustration: A Pleasant Prospect. - -=Traveller= (_in Ireland_). "HI,--PULL HER UP, MAN! DON'T YOU SEE THE MARE -IS RUNNING AWAY?" - -=Paddy.= "HOULD TIGHT, YER 'ONOR! FOR YER LIFE DON'T TOUCH THE -REINS!--SURE THEY'RE AS ROTTEN AS PEARS! I'LL TURN HER INTO THE RIVER AT -THE BRIDGE BELOW HERE. SURE THAT'LL STOP HER, THE BLAGYARD!" - -Illustration: Reassuring. - -=Traveller in Ireland= (_rheumatic, and very particular_). "NOW, I HOPE -THE SHEETS ARE CLEAN!" - -=Kathleen= (_the Chambermaid_). "CLANE, SOR? SHURE THEY'RE JUST _DAMP_ -FROM THE MANGLE, SOR!!" - -Illustration: _Woman's Rights._ - -=Scotch Lady= (_who has taken a House in the Highlands, her Servants -suddenly giving "warning"_). "WHAT'S THE REASON OF THIS? HAVE YOU NOT -ALL YOU WANT?--GOOD ROOMS, AND GOOD FRESH AIR AND FOOD, AND EASY WORK?" - -=Spokeswoman.= "YES, MEM--BUT--BUT THERE'S NO A DECENT LAAD WITHIN CRY O' -US!" - -Illustration: "_Canny._" - -=Sportsman.= "THAT'S A TOUGH OLD FELLOW, JEMMY?" - -=Keeper.= "AY, SIR, A GRAND BIRD TO SEND TO YOUR FREENS!" - -Illustration: _Stern Pulpit Critics._ - -=First Scot.= "FAT SORT O' MINISTER HAE YE GOTTEN, GEORDIE?" - -=Second Ditto.= "OH, WEEL, HE'S NO MUCKLE WORTH. WE SELDOM GET A GLINT O' -HIM. SAX DAYS O' TH' WEEK HE'S ENVEES'BLE, AND ON THE SEVENTH HE'S -ENCOMPREHENS'BLE!!" - -Illustration: The Commissariat. - -=Squire= (_to new Butler_). "I HAVE THREE OR FOUR CLERGYMEN COMING TO DINE -WITH ME TO-MORROW, PRODGERS, AND----" - -=Mr. Prodgers.= "'IGH OR LOW, SIR?" - -=Squire.= "WELL--I HARDLY----BUT WHY DO YOU ASK, PRODGERS?" - -=Mr. Prodgers.= "WELL, YOU SEE, SIR, THE 'IGH' DRINKS MOST WINE, AND THE -'LOW' EATS MOST VITTLES, AND I MUST PERWIDE ACCORDIN!!" - -Illustration: Duty and Pleasure. - -=Rural Butler= (_deferentially_). "AND WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUR COUNTRY -QUALITY DOWN HERE, SIR?" - -=Town Gentleman= (_"in waiting" to Lord Marybone, who was visiting the -Squire_). "WELL, 'F COURSE, YOU SEE, SMITHARS, I DON'T MIND WAITIN' ON -'EM,--BUT--'CAN'T SAY I SHOULD CARE TO SIT DOWN WITH 'EM"!!! - -Illustration: "Business!" - -=Bath-Chairman.= "I S'POSE THE DUKE OF EDINBORO' AND HIS MISSIS WILL BE BY -DIRECTLY?" - -=Policeman.= "NO, THEY WON'T. THEY AIN'T IN TOWN." - -=Bath-Chairman.= "AIN'T THEY?--I SAY, IF THAT OLD LADY IN MY CHAIR ASTS -YOU, SAY 'YOU DON'T KNOW,' 'CAUSE SHE'S A WAITIN' TO SEE 'EM, AND I'M -ENGAGED BY THE HOUR!" - -Illustration: _Sacrifice._ - -=Good Templar.= "TUT--T--T--REALLY, SWIZZLE, IT'S DISGRACEFUL TO SEE A MAN -IN YOUR POSITION IN THIS STATE, AFTER THE EXPENSE WE'VE INCURRED AND THE -EXERTIONS WE'VE USED TO PUT DOWN THE LIQUOR TRAFFIC!" - -=Swizzle.= "Y' MAY PREASH AS MUSH AS Y' LIKE, GEN'L'M'N, BUR I CAN TELL Y' -I'VE MADE MORE PERSH'NAL EFFORSH TO (_hic_) PURROWN LIQUOR THAN ANY OF -YE!" - -Illustration: _Extenuating Circumstances._ - -=Employer= (_on his way to business on Monday morning_). "AH, SAUNDERS! -I'M SORRY TO SEE YOU IN THIS WAY. I THOUGHT YOU'D TURNED OVER A NEW -LEAF!" - -=Saunders= (_repentant_). "SHO I'AD, SHIR, BUT (_hic_) 'TSH ALL ALONG O' -THESH 'ERE WA'ER CO'PANIES--I 'SSHURE YOU, SHIR, 'ERE WASHN'T 'DROP O' -WA'ER IN OUR SHISHT'RN ALL YESHT'RDAY!!!" - -Illustration: _A Definition._ - -=Shoeblack= (_pointing to Unsteady Party by the lamp-post_). "TEA-TOTALLER -ON 'THE STRIKE,' SIR!" - -Illustration: _Mystification._ - -_Our young Landscape Painter's Preparations are Regarded with Intense -Interest by the Village Juveniles, yet evidently expect a Gymnastic -Entertainment_--(_he frames an Imaginary Picture with his Hands_). - -=Omnes.= "HE'S A GOIN' TO SAY HIS PRAYERS FUST!!" - -Illustration: _Obliging._ - -=Excursionist= (_to himself_). "ULLO! 'ERE'S ONE O' THEM ARTISTS. 'DESSAY -'E'LL WANT A GENTEEL FIGGER FOR 'IS FOREGROUND. I'LL _STAND FOR -'IM_!!!" - -Illustration: Our Theatricals. - -=Brown= (_rehearsing his part as the "Vicomte de Cherisac"_). "YAS, MARIE! -I'VE FONDLY LOVED YE. (_Sobs dramatically._) 'TIS WELL--BUT NO -MAT-TAR-R!" - -=Housemaid= (_to Cook, outside the Door_). "LAUKS, 'LIZ'BETH, AIN'T MASTER -A GIVIN' IT TO MISSIS!" - -Illustration: Flattering. - -=Housemaid= (_to Cook, behind the laurels_). "HE'S A HAFFABLE YOUNG MAN, -THAT CAP'AIN LIMBER, MISSUS'S BROTHER. HOW BECOMIN' HE'D LOOK IN OUR -LIVERY, WOULDN'T HE?!!" - -Illustration: _Comparisons._ - -=Barber.= "'AIR'S EXTR'ORDINARY DRY, SIR. (_Customer explains he has been -in the Country, and out o' doors a good deal._) AH! JUS' SO, SIR. -RUINATION TO THE 'AIR, SIR! IF I WAS TO BE KNOCKIN' ABOUT 'UNTING AND -FISHIN', LOR', SIR, MY 'AIR WOULDN'T BE IN NO BETTER STATE THAN YOURS, -SIR!!" - -Illustration: _Delicately Put._ - -=Customer.= "I'M AFRAID I'M GETTING A LITTLE BALD!" - -=Operator.= "WELL, SIR, I THINK, SIR, WHEN YOU ATTEND PUBLIC WUSHIP, IF I -WAS YOU, I'D SIT IN THE GALLERY." - -Illustration: _A Rash Refusal._ - -=Customer= (_flying from Importunate Tradesman_). "NO, THANK YOU, NOTHING -MORE, REALLY! NOT ANOTHER ARTICLE, THANK YOU! GOOD MORNING!" - -_Escapes--ha! ha! refusing his own Umbrella!!_ - -Illustration: _A Guilty Conscience._ - -=Country Parson= (_to hard-drinking Old Pauper_). "WHY, SURELY, MUGGRIDGE, -YOU WERE RELIEVED LAST WEEK FROM THE COMMUNION ALMS!" - -=Muggridge.= "COMMUNION ARMS, SIR! 'S TRUE'S I STAND HERE, NEVER VAS -INSIDE THE 'OUSE IN ALL MY LIFE, SIR; NEVER HEERD OF IT, SIR!" - -Illustration: _Equal to the Situation._ - -=The Parson.= "WELL, LIZZIE, YOUR MOTHER'S COME OUT OF PRISON, I HEAR. HOW -IS SHE NOW?" - -=Lizzie.= "O, THANKY', SIR, SHE'S EV' SO MUCH BETTER. SHE'VE HAD CAPITAL -TIMES IN THERE. FATHER'S OUT O' WORK, AND RATHER POORLY, SO HE GOT TOOK -UP LAST NIGHT!!" - -Illustration: _The Convalescent._ - -=New Curate= (_tenderly_). "MY GOOD MAN, WHAT INDUCED YOU TO SEND FOR ME?" - -=Oldest Inhabitant.= "WHAT DOES HE SAY, BETTY?" - -=Betty.= "'SAYS WHAT THE DEUCE DID YOU SEND FOR HIM, FOR!!" - -Illustration: Awkward! - -=Literal Servant Girl= (_to Brown, who was calling for the first time on -the Dibsworths_). "PLEASE SIR, YOUR CABMAN SAY HE DON'T HALF LIKE THE -LOOK OF THIS HERE HALF-CROWN YOU'VE GIVE HIM!!" - -Illustration: "Suit Your Talk to Your Company." - -=Mrs. Clovermead.= "AND, DAN, YOU'LL BRING THE TRAP--(_recollecting -herself--her fashionable Cousin, from London, is on a Visit at the -Farm_)--WE SHALL WANT THE CARRIAGE TO DRIVE INTO THE TOWN AFTER -LUNCHEON, DANIEL." - -=Daniel.= "YES, MUM--(_hesitating--he had noticed the correction_)--BE -I--(_in a loud whisper_)--BE I TO CHANGE MY TROWSE'S, MUM?"!! - -Illustration: _Silly Suffolk (?) Pastorals. Reciprocity._ - -=Parson.= "I HAVE MISSED YOU FROM YOUR PEW OF LATE, MR. STUBBINGS----" - -=Farmer= (_apologetically_). "WELL, SIR, I HEV' BEEN TO MEET'N' LATELY. -BUT--Y' SEE, SIR, THE REVEREND MR. SCOWLES O' THE CHAPEL, HE BOUGHT SOME -PIGS O' ME, AND I THOUGHT I OUGHT TO GI' 'M A TARN!!" - -Illustration: Lapsus Linguae. - -=Our Athletic Curate= (_who, with the young men of his parish, had been -victorious in a great match the day before; please forgive him this -once, only_). "HE-AR ENDETH THE FIRST INNINGS!!" - -Illustration: The Archery Meeting. - -=Curate= (_to Fair Stranger_). "I PERCEIVE YOU ARE NOT A TOXOPHILITE!" - -=Fair Stranger= (_promptly_). "OH DEAR NO! 'CHURCH OF ENGLAND,' I ASSURE -YOU!" - -Illustration: _Grandiloquence_ - -=Captain of Schooner.= "WHAT 'A' YOU GOT THERE, PAT?" - -=Pat.= (_who has been laying in some Firewood and Potatoes_). "TIMBER AND -FRUIT, YER HONOUR!!" - -Illustration: _Levelling Up._ - -=Sub.= (_just arrived by rail_). "HOW MUCH TO THE BARRACKS?" - -=Car-Driver.= "AH, SHURE THIN, CAPTIN, THE MANEST OV 'EM GIVES ME T'REE -AND SIXPENCE!" - -Illustration: Rural Simplicity. - -"BEEN TO SCHOOL, LITTLE LASSIE?" "AY, SIR." "GOOD GIRL--THERE'S A PENNY -FOR YOU." "THANK YOU, SIR. I'LL HAE TO BE STEPPIN'--BUT AWM GAUN TO -SKEULL I' THE MORNIN'--WULL YE BE THIS WAY I' THE EFTERNEUN?!" - -Illustration: _Catechism under Difficulties._ - -=Free Kirk Elder= (_preparatory to presenting a Tract_). "MY FRIEND, DO -YOU KNOW THE CHIEF END OF MAN?" - -=Piper= (_innocently_). "NA, I DINNA MIND THE CHUNE! CAN YE NO WHUSTLE -IT?"!! - -Illustration: _In Vino Memoria._ - -=Major Portsoken= (_a pretty constant Guest_). "I SAY, BUCHANAN, THIS -ISN'T--(_another sip_)--THE SAME CHAMPAGNE----!" - -=Scotch Butler.= "NA, THAT'S A' DUNE! THERE WAS THRUTTY DIZZEN; AND YE'VE -HAD YERE SHARE O'T, MAJOR!!" - -Illustration: Mind and Matter. - -=Augustus= (_poetical_). "LOOK, EDITH! HOW LOVELY ARE THOSE FLEECY -CLOUDLETS DAPPLED OVER THE----" - -=Edith= (_prosaic_). "YES. 'XACTLY LIKE GRAVY WHEN IT'S GETTING COLD. -ISN'T IT?"!! - -Illustration: Perspective! - -IN CRITICISING AND CORRECTING HIS PRETTY COUSIN'S PERSPECTIVE, OF COURSE -FREDERICK'S FACE MUST BE AS NEARLY AS POSSIBLE IN THE SAME PLACE AS -HERS!--TABLEAU!--PA (IN THE BACKGROUND) IS EVIDENTLY MAKING UP HIS MIND -TO SEE ABOUT THIS! _Note._ FRED _hasn't a rap!_ - -Illustration: Those Dreadful Boys! - -=Algernon.= "AND, DEAREST, IF THE DEVOTION OF A LIFE----" (_At this moment -his hat is knocked over his eyes by a common Starfish, or Five-fingers -(Asterias rubens), thrown, with considerable force and precision, by one -of those_ infern----_high-spirited little fellows her younger brothers_, -TOMMY _and_ BERTIE!!!) - -Illustration: Profanation. - -=Gent.= "I LEFT A LOCK OF HAIR HERE A FEW DAYS AGO TO BE FITTED IN A -LOCKET, IS IT--AH--READY?" - -=Artiste.= "VERY SORRY, SIR, IT HAS BEEN MISLAID. BUT IT'S OF NO -CONSEQUENCE, SIR--WE CAN EASILY GET IT MATCHED, SIR."!! - -Illustration: "Turn About." - -=George.= "I SAY, TOM, DO TAKE CARE! YOU NEARLY SHOT MY FATHER THEN!" - -=Tom.= "'SH! DON'T SAY ANYTHING, THERE'S A GOOD FELLOW! TAKE A SHOT AT -MINE!!" - -Illustration: Making Things Pleasant. - -=Irishman= (_to English Sportsman_). "IS IT THROUTS? BE JABERS, THE -WATTHER'S STIFF WID 'EM!!!" - -"_Regardless of strict truth, in his love of hyperbole and generous -desire to please," as our Friend recorded in his Diary after a blank -day._ - -Illustration: Angling Extraordinary. - -=Customer= (_in a great hurry_). "A SMALL BOX OF GENTLES, PLEASE. AND LOOK -SHARP! I WANT TO CATCH A 'BUS'!!" - -Illustration: "Happy Thought." - -=Mistress= (_who had come down to see about the Bass Voice she had heard -in the Kitchen--Guardsman discovered!_). "O, YOU DECEITFUL GIRL, TO SAY -THERE WAS NOBODY HERE! AND AFTER I'D GIVEN YOU DISTINCTLY TO UNDERSTAND -I DIDN'T ALLOW 'FOLLOWERS'; AND HERE, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE A WEEK----" - -=Cook.= "LAUKS, M'M, IT MUST BE ONE O' THE FOLLERERS AS THE LAST COOK LEFT -BE'IND 'ER!!" - -Illustration: _Romance of the Kitchen._ - -=Cook= (_from the Area_). "O, 'LIZA, GI' ME MY WINIGRETTE--I'VE 'AD -A--OFFER--FROM THE DUSTMAN!!" - -Illustration: "_Compliments of the Season._" - -=Comely Housemaid.= "O, MR. JAMES, I'M SO FRIGHTENED IN THE RAILWAY! -SUPPOSE THE BILER WAS TO BUST!" - -=Mr. James.= "THEN, MY DEAR, YOU'D BE A SINGIN' AMONG THE ANGELS IN ABOUT -TEN MINUTES!!" - -Illustration: "Ready!" - -=Emily.= "WHAT'S CAPITAL PUNISHMENT, MAMMA?" - -=Master Harry.= "WHY, BEING LOCKED UP IN THE PANTRY! _I_ SHOULD CONSIDER -IT SO!" - -Illustration: Dear, Dear Boy! - -=George.= "OH! SHOULDN'T I JUST LIKE TO SEE SOMEBODY IN THAT DEN, AUNT!" - -=Serious Aunt.= "YE-ES. DANIEL, I SUPPOSE, DEAR?" - -=George.= "OH NO, AUNT; I MEAN 'OLD TWIGSBY,' OUR HEAD-MASTER!!" - -Illustration: "Brother Brush." - -=Ship-Painter.= "NICE DRYIN' WEATHER FOR OUR BUSINESS, AIN'T IT, SIR?" - -=Amateur= (_disconcerted_). "YA-A-S!"---- - -_Takes a dislike to the place._ - -Illustration: "The Compliments of the (Sketching) Season." - -=Papa.= "THERE, HENRY! IF YOU COULD DO LIKE THAT, I'D HAVE YOU _TAUGHT -DRAWING_, MY BOY!" - -Illustration: A Pleasant Prospect. - -=English Tourist.= "I SAY, LOOK HERE. HOW FAR IS IT TO THIS GLENSTARVIT? -THEY TOLD US IT WAS ONLY----" - -=Native.= "ABOOT FOUR MILES." - -=Tourist= (_aghast_). "ALL BOG LIKE THIS?" - -=Native.= "EH--H--THIS IS JUST NAETHIN' TILL'T!!" - -Illustration: Compliments of the Season. - -=Squire= (_who interests himself with the Moral and Material Condition of -his Peasantry_). "HULLO, WOODRUFF! WHAT AN EYE YOU'VE GOT! HOW DID YOU -GET THAT?!" - -=Labourer.= "O, IT'S NAWTHIN' PARTIC'LAR, SIR. LAST NIGHT--AT THE WHITE -'ART, SIR. BUT--(_in extenuation_)--CHRISHMASH TIME, SIR--ON'Y ONCE A -YEAR!" - -Illustration: Two Sides to a Question. - -=Squire.= "YOUR NAME SMITH?" - -=Smith.= "YESSIR." - -=Squire.= "AH, I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE THE MAN WHO GIVES SO MUCH TROUBLE TO MY -KEEPERS!" - -=Smith.= "AX YER PARDON, SQUIRE, YOUR KEEPERS IS MUCH MORE TROUBLE TO -ME!" - -Illustration: Suspicion! - -=Stout Visitor= (_on discovering that, during his usual Nap after -Luncheon, he has been subjected to a grossly personal Practical Joke_). -"IT'S ONE O' THOSE DASHED ARTISTS THAT ARE STAYING AT THE 'LORD NELSON' -'A' DONE THIS, I KNOW!" - -Illustration: Depression. - -SCENE--_The Exchange. Industrial Centre._ - -=First Commercial Man= (_dryly_). "MORNIN'!" - -=Second ditto= (_coldly_). "MORNIN'!" - -=First C. M.= (_hopelessly_). "OWT?" - -=Second ditto= (_mournfully_). "NOWT!" - -=First C. M.= (_gloomily_). "MORNIN'!" - -=Second ditto= (_despairingly_). "MORNIN'!" - -_They part._ - -Illustration: Reductio ad Absurdum. - -=Stout Party= (_the first time he went for his Dividends since his Aunt -left him that Legacy_). "WHERE DO YOU GO FOR THESE DIVIDEND WARRANTS?" - -=Bank Beadle.= "WHAT STOCK, SIR?" - -=Stout Party.= "WELL, THREE PER CENT. SOMETHING "----(_The word stuck in -his throat_). - -=Bank Beadle.= "AH!--(_giving him the Information, and saying the word for -him_)--_REDOOCED,_ SIR!!" - -_Stout Party sighs, and exit._ - -Illustration: "The More Haste the Less Speed." - -=Intelligent Peasant= (_who has been overlooking our Artists with much -interest_). "YAR MATE'S A STAININ' O' HIS'N A'READY, SIR!" - -Illustration: The Point of View. - -=Tomkins= (_he has heard his friend Stodge talk so much about that lovely -spot Wobbleswick, whither he was going sketching, that he was induced to -accompany him. A day has elapsed, and he is awaking to the horror of his -situation!_) "SEEMS TO ME AN INFERN----I CALL IT RATHER A DULL PLACE!" - -=Stodge.= "DULL, MY DEAR FELLOW! HOW CAN YOU SAY SO? LOOK AT THIS -BEAUTIFUL, BREEZY COMMON! AND THE LINES OF THOSE OLD HOUSES ON THE -BEACH, BREAKING THE HORIZON, AND THE COLOUR! AND THE JOLLY QUIET OF THE -PLACE! NONE O' YOUR BEASTLY BARREL-ORGANS OR GAPING TOURISTS SWARMING -ABOUT! I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE IT!!" - -Illustration: "Lucus a Non" &c. - -=Visitor.= "HOW LONG HAS YOUR MASTER BEEN AWAY?" - -=Irish Footman.= "WELL, SORR, IF HE'D COME HOME YISTHERDAY, HE'D A' BEEN -GONE A WAKE TO-MORROW; BUT EV HE DOESN'T RETURN THE DAY AFTHER, SHURE -HE'LL A' BEEN AWAY A FORTNIGHT NEXT THORSDAY!!" - -Illustration: Hyperbole. - -=Saxon Sportsman.= "ANY SNIPE ABOUT HERE, MY MAN?" - -=Pat.= "SNIPES, IS IT?! FAIX, THEY'RE GINERALLY JOSTLIN' 'ACH OTHER -HEREABOUTS!" - -Illustration: Real Irish Grievance. - -=Irish Model= (_requested to put on rather a dilapidated costume_). "THE -BLISSED SAINTS DIRICT ME INTO THIS COAT, SOR!" - -Illustration: Our Inspection. - -=Lieutenant-Colonel.= "HULLO! CONFOUND IT! THERE'S A MAN BLOWING HIS -NOSE--AND WITH A POCKET-HANDKERCHIEF, TOO! TUT-T-T-T-T!" - -Illustration: Hunting Appointments. - -=Scientific Colonel.= "ARE YOU GOING TO THE 'KRIEGSPIEL' TO-MORROW?" - -=Cavalry Sub.= (_Hunting Man_). "AUGH! 'THINK NOT, SIR. AUGH! 'MEET -THE-ARE, DO THEY? NEVAR HEARD OF THE PLACE! WHERWE ON EARTH IS I--T?"!! - -Illustration: Encouraging! - -=Riding-Master= (_to Sub. belonging to one of the new Mounted Batteries_). -"WELL, SIR! YOU'RE ALL 'OF A HEAP' ON THE HORSE'S NECK--YOU'VE LOST YOUR -SWORD AND YOUR FORAGE-CAP, AND YOU'VE LOST YOUR STIRRUPS--AND----YOU'LL -LOSE YOURSELF NEXT!!" - -Illustration: "It's an Ill Wind" &c. - -=Sporting Sub.= "I SHOULD LIKE TO HAVE MY LEAVE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, -COLONEL, FOR I'VE JUST HEARD MY FATHER'S HAD A BAD FALL OUT HUNTING." - -=Colonel.= "DEAR ME! I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT! I HOPE HE'S NOT HURT!" - -=Sporting Sub.= "OH, IT ISN'T THAT!--ONLY I WANT TO HAVE HIS HORSE!!" - -Illustration: Particular! - -=Adjutant of Volunteers= (_to Recruit_). "WELL, SIR, AND WHAT COMPANY DO -YOU WISH TO BE IN?" - -=Recruit.= "AUGH! I'VE BEEN--AH--USED TO THE CO'PANY OF--AH--GE'TLEMEN, -SIR!!!!" - -Illustration: The Last Word. - -=Cabby= (_to stately Party, who has given him his legal Fare_). "MAKIN' -YER FORTUNE, SIR, NO DOUBT!" - -=Swell= (_not exactly catching the Remark_). "EH?" - -=Cabby.= "YOU'RE A LAYIN' BY A GOOD BIT O' MONEY, SIR, I'LL BE BOUND!" - -=Swell= (_indignantly_). "What d'you mean, Sir?" - -Cabby. "WHY YOU DON'T SPEND MUCH, SEEMIN'LY!" - -_Drives off in triumph._ - -Illustration: A Dilemma. - -=Cabby.= "ERE'S A GO, P'LICEMAN! WHAT AM I TO DO?--I VOS ORDERED TO TAKE -THESE 'ERE GENTS AS 'A BEEN A DININ' YOU SEE, TO THEIR 'SPECTABLE 'OMES, -VUN VOS FOR 'ANOVER SQUARE, ANOTHER FOR THE HALBANY, AND THE TOTHERS -ELSEVERES----VELL, THEY VOS ALL CAREFULLY SORTED VEN I STARTED, AN' NOW -THEY'VE BEEN AN' GONE AN' MIXED THE'RSELVES UP, AN' I DON'T KNOW VICH IS -VICH!!" - -Illustration: Too True! - -=Mamma.= "MY DEAR CHILD, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT DREADFUL SCRATCH ON YOUR -ARM?" - -=Little Ada.= "OH, 'MA, IT WAS 'LISBETH'S BIG BRASS BROOCH WITH THE GREEN -GLASS IN IT, THAT THE TALL SOLDIER GAVE HER!" - -Illustration: "Once for All." - -=Mistress.= "BY THE WAY--ANNA--HANNAH--I'M NOT SURE. IS YOUR NAME ANNA, OR -HANNAH?" - -=New Cook= (_tartly_). "WHICH MY NAME IS ANNA, MUM--HAICH, HA, HEN, HEN, -HA, HAICH,--'ANNA'"---- - -=Mistress= (_giving it up in despair_). "AH! THANK YOU." - -Illustration: Up and Down Stairs. - -=Young Mistress= (_at the Parlour Door_). "ELIZA, WHAT IS THAT BELL -RINGING FOR SO VIOLENTLY?" - -=Cook= (_below_). "IT'S ON'Y ME, M'UM. I WANT YOU DOWN IN THE KITCHING A -MINUTE!!" - -Illustration: Terms--Cash. - -=Lady Bountiful.= "HERE, MY GOOD MAN, HERE'S A TICKET FOR THE ORGANISING -CHARITABLE RELIEF AND REPRESSING MENDI----" - -=Professional Beggar= (_with a sneer_). "O, THANKY FOR NOTHINK, MUM, -_HOURS IS A READY MONEY BUSINESS_!" - -Illustration: Gratitude. - -=Fastidious Vagrant.= "AND THEY AIN'T 'ALF BUTTERED! I COULD 'A DONE AS -WELL IF I'D GONE UP THE LANE TO THE 'UNION!'" - -Illustration: Music of the Future. Sensation Opera. - -=Manager= (_to his Primo Tenore, triumphantly_). "MY DEAR FELLOW, I'VE -BROUGHT YOU THE SCORE OF THE NEW OPERA. WE'VE ARRANGED SUCH A SCENE FOR -YOU IN THE THIRD ACT! O' BOARD OF THE PIRATE SCREW, AFTER THE -KEELHAULING SCENE, YOU KNOW! HEAVY ROLLING SEA, EH?--YES, AND WE CAN -HAVE SOME REAL SPRAY PUMPED ON TO YOU FROM THE FIRE-ENGINE! VOLUMES OF -SMOKE FROM THE FUNNEL, CLOSE BEHIND YOUR HEAD--IN FACT, YOU'LL BE -ENVELOPED AS YOU RUSH ON TO THE BRIDGE! AND THEN YOU'LL SING THAT LOVELY -BARCAROLLE THROUGH THE SPEAKING-TRUMPET! AND MIND YOU HOLD TIGHT, AS THE -SHIP BLOWS UP JUST AS YOU COME UPON YOUR HIGH D IN THE LAST BAR!!!" - -Illustration: Club Law. - -=Waiter.= "DID YOU RING, SIR?" - -=Member= (_trying to be calm_). "YES. WILL YOU WAKE THIS GENTLEMAN, AND -SAY I SHOULD BE OBLIGED IF HE'D LET ME HAVE THE _SPECTATOR_, IF HE'S NOT -READING IT." - -_Old Wacklethorpe has been asleep, with the Paper firmly clutched, for -the last two hours._ - -Illustration: "'High' Life Below Stairs!" - -=Master= (_sniffing_). "THERE'S A MOST EXTRAORDINARY SMELL, JAMES. I'VE -NOTICED IT SEVERAL----" - -=Hall Porter.= "I DON'T WONDER AT IT, SIR. I'VE SPOKE ABOUT IT -DOWN-STAIRS. THE BUTLER, SIR, YOU SEE IS ''IGH CHURCH,' WHICH HE 'AS FIT -UP A HORATORY IN THE PANTRY, AND BURNS HINCENSE. WE COULD STAND THAT; -BUT THE COOK IS THE 'LOW CHURCH' PERSUASION, AND SHE BURNS BROWN PAPER -TO HOBVIATE THE HINCENSE. IT'S PERFECTLY HAWFUL ON SAINTS' DAYS, -SIR!!!" - -Illustration: Wages and Wives. - -=Philanthropic Farmer.= "WELL, TOMKINS, AFTER THIS WEEK, INSTEAD OF PAYING -YOU PARTLY IN CIDER, I SHALL GIVE YOU TWO SHILLINGS EXTRA WAGES." - -=Tomkins.= "NO, THANKY', MASTER; THAT WON'T DO FOR ME!" - -=Farmer.= "WHY, MAN, YOU'LL BE THE GAINER; FOR THE CIDER YOU HAD WASN'T -WORTH TWO SHILLINGS!" - -=Tomkins. ="AH, BUT YOU SEE I DRINKS THE CIDER MYSELF; BUT THE OW'D OOMAN -'LL 'EV THE TWO SHILLUN'!!" - -Illustration: Pursuit o' Knowledge! - -=First Agricultural= (_quite a Year after our Branch had been Opened_). -"WHAT BE THEY POST-ES VUR, MAS'R SAM'L?" - -=Second Ditto= (_Wag of the Village_). "WHY, TO CARRY THE TELEGRAFT -WOIRES, GEARGE!" - -=First Ditto.= "WHAT BE THE WOIRES VUR, THEN?" - -=Second Ditto.= "WHAT BE THE WOIRES FUR? WHY, TO HOOLD UP THE POST-ES, -SART'N'Y, GEARGE."!!! - -Illustration: A Nice Prospect! - -=Traveller= (_benighted in the Black Country_). "NOT A BEDROOM DISENGAGED! -TUT-T-T-T!" - -=Landlady= (_who is evidently in the Coal Business as well_). "OH, WE'LL -ACCOMMODATE YOU SOMEHOW, SIR, IF ME AND MY 'USBAND GIVES YOU UP OUR OWN -BED, SIR!" - -Illustration: Boon Companions! - -=Bargee.= "WHAT! GE-ARGE!" - -_Rustic grins in response._ - -=Bargee.= "I'M ALLUS MAIN GLAD TO SEE THEE, GE-ARGE!" - -=Rustic.= "WHOY?" - -=Bargee.= "'CAUSE I KNOW THERE MUST BE A PUBLIC-'OUSE CLOSE BY!" - -Illustration: Bereaved. - -=First Pitman.= "THOU HESSENT BEEN AT THE TOUN LATELY, GEORDIE. HOO'S -THAT, MAN?" - -=Second Pitman.= "THOU KNAWS THE DOG'S DEED, AND AW KENNET GETTEN ANOTHER; -AN' A CHAP LECKS SA FOND WITOUT A DOG!" - -Illustration: Geology. - -=Scientific Pedestrian.= "DO YOU FIND ANY FOSSILS HERE?" - -=Excavator.= "DUNNO WHAT YUH CALLS 'VOSSULS.' WE FINDS NOWT HERE BUT MUCK -AND 'ARD WORK!" - -Illustration: The Morning Concert. - -=Swell= (_doesn't care for music himself_). "MY DEAR, IS -THIS--AH--(_yawns_)--TE-DIUM OVAR?"!! - -Illustration: A Cool Card. - -=Swell= (_handing "Sporting Life" to Clerical Party_). "AW--WOULD -YOU--AW--DO ME THE FAVOUR TO WEAD THE LIST OF THE WACES TO ME WHILE -WE'RE WUNNING DOWN?--I'VE--AW--FORGOTTEN MY EYEGLASS. DON'T MIND WAISING -YOUR VOICE--I'M PWECIOUS DEAF!" - -Illustration: "Relapse." - -=Squire.= "WHY, PAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, STANDING BY THE WALL OF THE -PUBLIC-HOUSE? I THOUGHT YOU WERE A TEETOTALLER!" - -=Pat.= "YES, YER HONNOR. I'M JUST LISTENIN' TO THEM IMPENITENT BOYS -DRINKING INSIDE!" - -Illustration: "_In Confidence._" - -=Hungry Customer.= "'TAINT BAD." - -=Chef.= "GLAD YOU LIKE IT; FOR, TO TELL YER THE TRUTH, A'THOUGH I'VE BEEN -A MAKIN' O' THIS SOUP FOR FIFTEEN YEAR, I AIN'T NEVER TASTED IT -MYSELF!!" - -Illustration: "_The Struggle for Existence._" - -=Darwinian Coster= (_to thrifty Housewife_). "WELL, FISH IS DEAR, MUM; YOU -SEE IT'S A-GETTIN' WERY SCA'CE IN CONSEKENCE O' THESE 'ERE AQUERIUNS!" - -Illustration: _A Satisfactory Character._ - -Mrs. Brisket (_about the Squire's new Bride_). "OH, YES, MUM, SHE COME -IN 'ERE YESTERDAY, MUM. BLESS YER! A PUFFECT LADY. MUM! DON'T KNOW ONE -J'INT O' MEAT FROM ANOTHER, MUM!!" - -Illustration: _Hard Up on a Wet Day._ - -=Richard.= "WHAT ARE YOU RINGING FOR, BOB?" - -=Robert.= "THE BEEF!" - -=Richard.= "YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO EAT BEEF AGAIN, BOB, ARE YOU? WHY IT -ISN'T HALF-AN-HOUR SINCE BREAKFAST!" - -=Robert.= "WELL, I'M NOT EXACTLY HUNGRY, BUT ONE MUST DO SOMETHING!" - -Illustration: _Incombinable Elements._ - -=First Medical Student.= "WHAT ARE YOU SIGHING FOR, JACK?" - -Second Ditto. "UGH! I WAS THINKING OF THAT INFERNAL CHEMISTRY CRAM -TO-MORROW, AND WHAT A DEUCED PRETTY GIRL I SAW IN GOWER STREET JUST -NOW!!" - -Illustration: A Desperate Case! - -=First Driver.= "HOW'S POOR BOB?" - -=Second Driver.= "OH, HE'S A GOOD DEAL BETTER--TAKES HIS _LOTIONS_ MORE -REG'LAR----" - -=First Driver= (_reassured_). "AH!" - -Illustration: "Bon Voyage!" - -=Bus-Conductor= (_to Portly Female, who was indignant at having been -carried a little beyond her destination_). "WELL, THERE Y'ARE, MUM, FUST -TO YER LEFT. Y'AINT GOT SO VERY FAR TO GO, AND THE _WIND'S AT YER -BACK_!!" - -Illustration: _Personal!_ - -=Driver= (_impatient_). "NOW THEN, BILL!" - -=Conductor.= "O, LOOK ALIVE, PLEASE, M'M! (_To the Driver._) CAN'T HELP -IT! ALL IN THE 'ANTIQUE' LINE THIS MORNIN'! 'ERE'S THREE MORE ON 'EM!" -_"'Antique,' indeed! Odious Wretch!" thought one of the parties alluded -to._ - -Illustration: "_The Conscience Clause_" - -=Rector's Wife.= "AND WHAT'S YOUR FATHER, MY BOY?" - -=Boy.= "MY FATHER'S A 'HAGITATOR,' AN' HE SAYS HE WON'T HAVE ME LEARNT NO -CATECHISM, 'R ELSE YOU'LL ALL OF YER EAR OV IT!" - -Illustration: _Education._ - -=Squire.= "HOBSON, THEY TELL ME YOU'VE TAKEN YOUR BOY AWAY FROM THE -NATIONAL SCHOOL. WHAT'S THAT FOR?" - -=Villager.= "'CAUSE THE MASTER AIN'T FIT TO TEACH UN!" - -=Squire.= "O, I'VE HEARD HE'S A VERY GOOD MASTER." - -=Villager.= "WELL, ALL I KNOWS IS, HE WANTED TO TEACH MY BOY TO SPELL -'TATERS' WITH A 'P'!!!" - -Illustration: "Exempli Gratia." - -=Ancient Mariner= (_to credulous Yachtsman_). "A'MIRAL LORD NELSON! BLESS -YER, I KNOWED HIM; SERVED UNDER HIM. MANY'S THE TIME I'VE AS'ED HIM FOR -A BIT O' 'BACCO, AS I MIGHT BE A ASTIN' O' YOU; AND SAYS HE, 'WELL, I -'AIN'T GOT NO 'BACCO,' JEST AS YOU MIGHT SAY TO ME; 'BUT HERE'S A -SHILLIN' FOR YER,' SAYS HE"!! - -Illustration: Dignity. - -=Shipping Clerk.= "ARE YOU THE MATE O' THE '_MAGGIE LAUDER_,' OF -STONEHAVEN?" - -=Mate= (_sternly_). "ASK IF I'M THE FIR-R-R-ST OFFICER, YOUNG MAN, AN' -MAYBE I'LL GIE YE AN ANSWER!" - -Illustration: _A Woman-Hater._ - -=Spiteful Old Party= (_who is tarring the Stays of the Flagstaff_). -"STRIPED GOWNDS SEEM ALL THE 'GO' WITH 'EM, EH? (_Chuckles._) I'LL -STRIPE 'EM! PUT A EXTRA STREAK O' ILE IN, O' PURPOSE--WON'T DRY FOR A -MONTH! COME LOLLOPIN' ABOUT HERE WITH THEIR CRIN'LYNES AN' TR'INES, THEY -MUST TAKE THE CONSEKENSES!!" - -Illustration: _When You are About it._ - -=Magister Familias= (_parting with his Butler_). "HERE IS THE LETTER, -FLANAGAN. I CAN CONSCIENTIOUSLY SAY YOU ARE HONEST AND ATTENTIVE, BUT I -SHOULD HAVE TO STRETCH A POINT IF I WERE TO SAY YOU ARE SOBER." - -=Mr. Flanagan.= "THANK YOU, SOR. BUT WHEN YOU _ARE_ AFTHER STHRITCHIN' A -POINT, SOR, WOULDN'T YOU, PLASE, STHRITCH IT A LITTLE FURTHER, AND SAY -I'M _AFTEN_ SOBER!!" - -Illustration: _Sympathy._ - -=Epicurus.= "PAH! O, GOOD GRACIOUS, MIVINS, THAT LAST OYSTER WAS--UGH!" - -=Butler= (_with feeling_). "T-T-T-T--DEAR ME! CORKED, SIR?!!" - -Illustration: _The Run of the House._ - -=First Flunkey.= "WON'T YOU COME IN, JOHN, AND TAKE SOMETHING?" - -=Second Ditto.= "THANKS, NO; I'LL LOOK YOU UP NEXT WEEK. 'BE ON -BOARD-WAGES THEN, YOU KNOW!" - -Illustration: "_What Next?_" - -=Mistress= (_to New Housemaid_). "JANE, I'M QUITE SURPRISED TO HEAR YOU -CAN'T READ OR WRITE! I'M SURE ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS WOULD GLADLY UNDERTAKE -TO TEACH YOU----" - -=Maid.= "O, LOR', MUM, IF THE YOUNG LADIES WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO LEARN ME -ANYTHING, I SHOULD SO LIKE TO PLAY THE PIANNER."!! - -Illustration: "_The Servants._" - -=Cook.= "YES, SUSAN, I'M A WRITIN' TO MARY HANN MIGGS. SHE'VE APPLIED TO -ME FOR THE CHARICTER OF MY LAST MISSUS, WHICH SHE'S THINKIN' OF TAKIN' -THE SITIWATION----" =Susan.= "WILL YOU GIVE HER ONE?" - -=Cook.= "WELL, I'VE SAID THIS. (_Reads._) 'MRS. PERKSITS PRESENTS HER -COMPLIMINKS TO MISS MIGGS, AND BEGS TO INFORM HER THAT I CONSIDER MRS. -BROWN A RESPEK'ABLE YOUNG PERSON, AND ONE AS KNOWS HER DOOTIES; BUT SHE -CAN'T CONSHESALY RECOMMEND HER TEMPER, WHICH I HAD TO PART WITH HER ON -THAT ACCOUNT.' IT'S ALLUS BEST TO BE CANDIED, YOU KNOW, SUSAN!" - -Illustration: _Quite Superfluous._ - -=Stout Passenger= (_obstreperously_). "HOY! HOY! HOY!!" - -=Bus-Driver.= "ALL RIGHT, SIR, WE CAN SEE YER, SIR; WE CAN SEE YER VITH -THE NAKED EYE, SIR!" - -Illustration: "_Noblesse Oblige._" - -=Stodge= (_in answer to the reproachful look of his Cabman_). "WELL, IT'S -YOUR RIGHT FARE; YOU KNOW THAT AS WELL AS I DO!" - -=Cabby.= "OH! WHICH I'M WELL AWARE O' THAT, SIR! BUT----("_more in sorrow -than in anger_")--AN' YOU A ARTIS', SIR!!" - -_Gets another Shilling!_ - -Illustration: _The Beard Movement._ - -=Policeman= (_invidiously_). "IT'S PUFFECTLY HOPTIONAL VITH US, YOU KNOW!" - -(_"The Hairs them P'licemen give theirselves," John remarked afterwards, -in the Servants' Hall._) - -Illustration: _Too Late._ - -=Departing Guest.= "BUT MY HAT WAS A BRAN-NEW ONE!" - -=Greengrocer= (_Footman for the nonce_). "OH, SIR! THE SECOND-BEST 'ATS A' -BEEN GONE 'ALF-AN-HOUR AGO, SIR!" - -Illustration: _Music in the Midlands._ - -=Intelligent Youth of Country Town.= "AH SAY, BILL, ULL THAT BE T' ELIJAH -GOIN' OOP I' THAT BIG BOX?!" - -Illustration: _A Perfect Excuse._ - -=Rector= (_to his Keeper_). "'MORNING, WOODGATE. DIDN'T I SEE YOU AT -CHURCH YESTERDAY?" - -=Keeper= (_apologetically_). "YES, SIR. BUT--I FELT I WAS A DOIN' WRONG -ALL THE TIME, SIR!" - -Illustration: "_Fahrenheit._" - -=Rector.= "AH, WE SHALL BE COMFORTABLE THIS MORNING, GRUFFLES, I SEE -YOU'VE GOT THE TEMPERATURE UP NICELY. SIXTY, I DECLARE!" - -=Clerk.= "YES, SIR, I ALLUS HEV A TROUBLE TO GET THAT THING UP. I TOOK AND -WARMED IT JEST THIS MINUTE!" - -Illustration: _Pleasuring!_ - -=Vicar= (_to Old Lady, who is returning from a Funeral_). "WELL, MARTHA, -I'M AFRAID YOU'VE HAD A SAD AFTERNOON. IT HAS BEEN A LONG WALK, TOO, FOR -YOU----" - -=Martha.= "SURE-LY, 'TIS, SIR! AH, SIR, 'TAIN'T MUCH PLEASURE NOW FOR ME -TO GO TO FUNERALS; I BE TOO OLD AND FULL O' RHEUMATIZ. IT WAS VERY -DIFFERENT WHEN WE WAS YOUNG--THAT 'TWER!!" - -Illustration: _Awkward!_ - -FLITHERS SPENDS HIS CHRISTMAS AT A COUNTRY HOUSE, AND THE FIRST DAY, ON -THE LADIES LEAVING THE TABLE AFTER DINNER, HE JUMPS UP, AND OPENS THE -_WRONG DOOR_!! - -Illustration: _He Thought He was Safe_ - -=Irascible Old Gentleman.= "BUY A COMB! WHAT THE DEVIL SHOULD I BUY A COMB -FOR! YOU DON'T SEE ANY HAIR ON MY HEAD, DO YOU?" - -=Unlicensed Hawker.= "LOR' BLESS YER, SIR!--YER DON'T WANT NO 'AIR ON YER -'EAD FOR A TOOTH-COMB!!" - -Illustration: _Hygiene._ - -=Hearty Old Gentleman= (_to dyspeptic Friend_). "DOESN'T AGREE WITH YOU?! -OH, I NEVER LET ANYTHING OF THAT SORT BOTHER ME! I ALWAYS EAT WHAT I -LIKE, AND DRINK WHAT I LIKE, AND FINISH OFF WITH A GOOD STIFF GLASS O' -GROG AT BED-TIME, AND GO FAST ASLEEP, _AN' LET 'M FIGHT 'T OUT 'MONG -'MSELVES_!!!" - -Illustration: _Considerate Criticism._ - -=Rustic= (_to his friend_). "WA--AT, THA'S BETTER THAN DOIN' O' NAWTH'N'. -I S'POOS', GEARGE!!" - -Illustration: "_The Finishing Touch!_" - -=Farmer= (_who has been most Obliging, and taken great Interest in the -Picture_). "GOOD MORN'N', SIR! BUT--(_aghast_)--I SAY, WHAT ARE YOU A -DOIN' OF, MISTER?! A P'INTIN' ALL THEM BEASTLY POPPIES IN MY CORN!--'A -BIT O' COLOUR?'--WHAT 'OULD MY LANDLORD SAY, D' YOU THINK?--AND AFTER -I'D PUT OFF CUTTIN' CAUSE YOU HADN'T FINISHED, TO OBLIGE YER, I DIDN'T -THINK YOU'D A DONE IT! YOU DON'T COME A P'INTIN' ON MY LAND ANY MORE!" -_Exit, in great dudgeon._ - -Illustration: _A Fortiori._ - -=Ticket Collector.= "NOW, THEN, MAKE HASTE! WHERE'S YOUR TICKET?" - -=Bandsman= (_refreshed_). "AU'VE LOST IT!" - -=Ticket Collector.= "NONSENSE! FEEL IN YOUR POCKETS. YE CANNOT HEV LOST -IT!" - -=Bandsman.= "AW CANNOT?! WHY, MAN, AU'VE LOST THE _BIG DRUM_!" - -Illustration: "_Nae That Fou!_" - -=Country Gentlemen= (_who thought he'd got such a treasure of a new -Gardener_). "TUT, TUT, TUT! BLESS MY SOUL, SAUNDERS! HOW--WHAT'S ALL -THIS? DISGRACEFULLY INTOXICATED AT THIS HOUR OF THE MORNING! AIN'T YOU -ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?!" - -=Saunders.= "'SH-HAMED? (_Hic._) NA, NA, 'M NAE SAE DRUNK AS THAT COMES -T'! AH KEN VARRA WEEL WHAT A'M ABOOT!!" - -Illustration: Hibernian Veracity. - -=Paterfamilias= (_with his Family in Ireland_). "HAVE YOU ANY WEST INDIA -PICKLES, WAITER?" - -=Paddy.= "WE'VE NOT, SOR." - -=Paterfamilias.= "NO HOT PICKLES OF ANY DESCRIPTION?" - -=Paddy.= "NO; SHURE THEY'RE ALL COULD, SOR." - -Illustration: Quite Another Thing. - -=Paddy= (_the loser_). "ABRAM, G'ALONG! I SAID I'D LAY YOU FOIVE TO WAN, -BUT I WASN'T GOIN' TO BET MY HA'F-CROWN AGIN YOUR TATH'RIN LITTLE -SIXPENCE!" - -_Exeunt fighting._ - -Illustration: A Fair Offer. - -=Athletic Barman.= "NOW, IF YOU DON'T TAKE YOURSELF OFF, I'LL PRECIOUS -SOON TURN YOU OUT!" - -=Pat= (_with a yell_). "TUR-R-RN ME OUT? IS IT TUR-R-RN ME OUT? THIN, -BEDAD! COME OUTSIDE, AN' TUR-R-RN ME OUT!!" - -Illustration: "The Way We Live Now." - -=Swell Coachman= (_with his eye on the Brougham's cockade_). "YOUR GUV'NER -IN THE ARMY?" - -=Brougham= (_artlessly_). "NOT 'ZACTLY IN THE HARMY. BUT MISSIS SAY AS -THEY SOLD MILINGTARY CUR'OSITIES WHEN THEY KEP' A SHOP IN 'OLBORN!!" - -Illustration: Re-Assuring. - -=Nervous Old Lady= (_Band in the Distance_). "OH, THERE ARE THOSE DREADFUL -VOLUNTEERS, JOSEPH! I KNOW THE HORSE WILL TAKE FRIGHT! HADN'T YOU BETTER -TURN HIM ROUND?!" - -=Coachman= (_who will have his own way_). "OH, LET 'IM ALONE, 'M; HE'LL -TURN 'ISSELF ROUND, AND PRETTY QUICK, TOO, IF HE'S FRIGHTENED!!" - -Illustration: Well Meant. - -=Shoeblack= (_to daily Customer_). "SUCH A TREAT WE'VE GOT TO-NIGHT, SIR! -TEA AN' BUNS, AN' SPEECHES AT EXETER 'ALL! WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO GO, -SIR?" - -=City Magnate.= "OH, THEY WOULDN'T LET ME IN, MY BOY." - -=Shoeblack.= "UM!" (_Ponders._) "WELL--LOOK 'ERE. I THINK I COULD SMUG YER -IN AS MY _FATHER_!!" - -Illustration: Nature and Art. - -=Pedestrian.= "THAT'S AN EXTRAORDINARY LOOKING DOG, MY BOY. WHAT DO YOU -CALL HIM?" - -=Boy.= "FUST OF ALL HE WER' A GREY'OUND, SIR, AN' 'IS NAME WAS 'FLY,' AS' -THEN THEY CUT 'IS EARS AN' TAIL OFF, AN' MADE A MASTI' DOG ON 'IM, AN' -NOW 'IS NAME'S 'LION'!" - -Illustration: Natural Advantages. - -=Teacher.= "WHAT BIRD DID NOAH SEND OUT OF THE ARK?" - -=Smallest Boy In the Class= (_after a Pause_). "A DOVE, SIR." - -=Teacher.= "VERY WELL. BUT I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT SOME OF YOU BIG BOYS -WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT!" - -=Tall Pupil.= "PLEASE, SIR, THAT BOY OUGHT TO KNOW, SIR, 'CAUSE HIS -FATHER'S A BIRD-KETCHER, SIR!!!" - -Illustration: The Restraints of Society. - -=Juvenile Bohemian.= "HATE GOIN' OUT TO TEA! 'HAVE TO BE GOOD SUCH A -PRECIOUS LONG TIME!!" - -Illustration: Simple Addition. - -=New Governess.= "WHY ARE YOU STARING SO INTENTLY, BLANCHE, DEAR?" - -=Blanche.= "I WAS TRYING TO COUNT THE FRECKLES ON YOUR FACE, MISS -SANDYPOLE, BUT I CAN'T!" - -Illustration: Secrets. - -=Intelligent Housemaid.= "OH, PLEASE, MISS, THERE WAS A YOUNG GENTLEMAN -CALLED WHEN YOU WAS OUT. HE DIDN'T LEAVE NO CARD, MISS; BUT I CAN SHOW -YOU WHO HE IS, 'CAUSE THERE'S THREE OF HIS PHOTYGRAPHS IN YOUR ALBUM." - -Illustration: "A Parthian Shaft." - -=Cook.= "NOW, I'M A LEAVIN' OF YER, M'UM, I MAY AS WELL TELL YER AS THE -KEY O' THE KITCHING-DOOR FITS YOUR STORE-ROOM!" - -Illustration: Sweet Simplicity. - -=Visitor.= "JANE, HAS YOUR MISTRESS GOT A BOOT-JACK?" - -=Maid-of-all-Work.= "NO, SIR; PLEASE, SIR, I CLEAN ALL THE BOOTS, SIR!" - - -Illustration: Master of the Situation?! - -SCENE--_Mr. Tethershort's Sanctum._ ENTER _Mrs. T. and her Cook._ - -=Cook= (_with her usual promptitude--SHE never kept anybody waiting_). -"OH, IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, I WISH TO COMPLAIN OF MISSIS! WHICH SHE COME A -DICTATERIN' AND A HINTERFERIN' IN YOUR KITCHING IN A WAY AS I'M SURE YOU -WOULDN'T APPROVE ON," &C., &C., &C.!! - -_T. confesses he felt (for the first and last time) a delicious -sensation of being apparently master in his own house. She was an -admirable Cook, and altogether a most excell---- BUT HOWEVER SHE HAD TO -GO_! - -Illustration: Manners! - -=Young Mistress.= "JANE, I'M SURPRISED THAT NONE OF YOU STOOD UP WHEN I -WENT INTO THE KITCHEN JUST NOW!" - -=Jane.= "INDEED, MUM! WHICH WE WAS SU'PRISED OURSELVES AT YOUR A COMIN' -INTO THE KITCHING WHILE WE WAS A 'AVIN' OUR _LUNCHEONS_!!" - -Illustration: A Regular Turk! - -=Adjutant.= "WELL, SERGEANT, HOW'S YOUR PRISONER GETTING ON?" - -=Sergeant of the Guard.= "BEDAD, SOR, HE'S THE VI'LENTEST BLAGGYARD I IVER -HAD TO DO WID! WE'RE ALL IN TIRROR IV OUR LOIVES! SHURE WE'RE OBLIGED TO -FEED HIM WID FIXED BAY'NITS!" - -Illustration: "Incidit in Scyllam," &c. - -=Ensign Muffles= (_alluding to his Moustache_). "YOU SEE, SOME SAY, 'WEAR -IT,' YOU KNOW; AND SOME SAY, 'CUT IT OFF,' YOU KNOW; BUT IF I TOOK -EVERYBODY'S ADVICE I SHOULD BE LIKE THE OLD MAN AND HIS DONKEY." - -=Sergeant O'Rourke.= "YOUR'R HON'RR WOULD--(BUT NOT WISHING TO BE PERSONAL -ABOUT HIS OFFICER'S AGE) THAT IS--LASTE-WAYS,--BARRIN THE OULD MAN, YOUR -HON-R-R-R!!!" - -Illustration: What H. M. Civil Servants have to Endure. - -(BESIDES THE RIDICULOUSLY LOW SALARIES.) - -=Mr. Registrar.= "WHAT'S THE NUMBER OF YOUR DEED, SIR?" - -=Attorney's Clerk.= "H-eight, H-ought H-eight, H-ought, Sevin, Sir!" - -=Mr. Registrar= (_faintly_). "OH DEAR! OH DEAR!--(NOTES DOWN THE -NUMBER)--THAT WILL DO." - -_And is so upset that he takes a month's holiday on the spot._ - -Illustration: Curious. - -=English Tourist= (_in Ireland_). "TELL ME, WAITER, AT WHAT HOUR DOES THE -FIRST TRAIN LEAVE FOR CLONMEL?" - -=Waiter.= "IS IT THE FURRST THRAIN, SOR? I'M NOT RIGHTLY SHURE. THE NOINE -THRAIN UP USED TO LAVE AT HA'F-PAST NOINE--BUT FAIX IT GOES AT TIN NOW, -AND THERE'S NO FURRST THRAIN NOW AT ALL AT ALL. BUT I'LL AX AT THE BAR, -SORR!!" - -Illustration: Anything for a Change. - -=Artist= (_to Old Fellow-Student_). "AND WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL -THESE YEARS,--WHAT ARE YOU PAINTING?" - -=Swell.= "OH, I GAVE UP PAINTING, MY DEAR FELLOW--THEN I TOOK TO TEACHING! -BUT YOU CAN'T FIND PUPILS IN GENIUS, YOU KNOW, SO NOW I GO IN FOR ART -CRITICISM! I KNOW I'M STRONG IN THAT! DID YOU SEE MY ARTICLE IN THIS -WEEK'S 'NOW A DAYS?'" - -Illustration: Appearances. - -=Plushington.= "I SAY, STODGE, SINGULAR THING--YOUR LANDLADY ADDRESSED ME -'MY LORD' WHEN I ASKED IF YOU WERE WITHIN!" - -=Artist.= "NOT AT ALL, MY DEAR FELLOW. IT'S YOUR HAT AND PERSONAL -APPEARANCE! IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE'LL ENCOURAGE THE IDEA. IT WILL GIVE -HER CONFIDENCE IN ME, AND----EH?" - -_Plushington will be delighted._ - -Illustration: From One Point of View. - -SCENE--_British Jury Room. All agreed on their Verdict except_---- - -=Irish Juryman= (_who holds out_). "AH, THIN, ILIV'N MORE OBSTINIT' MEN I -NIVIR MET IN ALL ME LOIFE!!" - -Illustration: Our Art-School Conversazione - -AT WHICH (IN CONSEQUENCE OF THE INCREASED SPACE ANTICIPATED AT THE R. A. -EXHIBITION) THERE IS A GREATER CROWD THAN USUAL. - -=Model= (_who has charge of the Hats and Coats_). "NO. 97? YESSIR. THERE -NOW! IF I DIDN'T SEE THAT 'AT--AH--NOT A QUARTER OF AN HOUR AGO!!" - -_Not a very satisfactory look-out for Bouncefield, who has barely time -to catch his last train!_ - -Illustration: Between Two Shoeblacks We Fall to, &c. - -=First Shoeblack.= "I COTCHED 'OLD ON 'IM FUST!" - -=Second Ditto.= "YOU'RE A ----!" - -_Old Gentleman is flung heavily._ - -Illustration: Im-pertinent. - -=Stout Gent.= (_naturally suspicious of the Street Boy_). "GE' OUT O' MY -WAY, YOU YOUNG RASCAL!" - -=Street Boy.= "VICH VAY ROUND, GOV'NOUR?" - -Illustration: Register! Register!! - -=Aunt Sophy.= "NOW SUPPOSE, GEORGE, AS A SINGLE WOMAN I SHOULD HAVE MY -NAME PUT ON THE REGISTER, WHAT SHOULD I GET BY IT?" - -=Pet Nephew.= "OH, A GOOD DEAL. YOU'D BE ALLOWED TO SERVE ON CORONER -JURIES, COMMON JURIES, ANNOYANCE JURIES, PAY POWDER TAX AND ARMORIAL -BEARINGS, ACT AS PARISH BEADLE AND NIGHT CONSTABLE OF THE CASUAL WARD, -AND INSPECTOR OF NUISANCES, REPORT ON FEVER DISTRICTS, AND ALL JOLLY -THINGS OF THAT SORT." - -Illustration: "Not Proven." - -=Presbyterian Minister.= "DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S WICKED TO CATCH FISH ON THE -SAWBATH!?" - -=Small Boy= (_not having had a rise all the Morning_). "WHA'S CATCHIN' -FESH?!" - -Illustration: An Evening's Fishing (Behind the Distillery at Sligo). - -=First Factory Lad.= "DOM'NICK, DID YOU GET E'ER A BITE AT ALL?" - -=Second Ditto.= "SORRA WAN, PAT. ONLY WAN SMALL WAN!" - -=First Ditto.= "YERRAD! LAVE IT THERE, AN' COME HOME. SHURE -YOU'LL GET MORE THAN THAT IN BED!" - -Illustration: "The Harp in the Air." - -=Irish Gentleman= (_who has vainly endeavoured to execute a Jig to the -fitful Music of the Telegraph Wires_). "SHURE! WHOIVER Y'ARE YE CAN'T -PLAY A BIT! HOW CAN A JINTLEMAN DANCE--(_hic!_)--IV YE DON'T KAPE -THIME?"!! - -Illustration: Irish Ideal of Themis. - -=Biddy= (_to Pat in charge about a difficulty_). "NEVER FEAR, PAT! SHURE -Y'AVE GOT AN UPRIGHT JIDGE TO THRY YE!" - -=Pat.= "AH, BIDDY DARLIN', THE DIVEL AN UPRIGHT JIDGE I WANT! 'TIS WONE -THAT'LL _LANE_ A LITTLE!!" - -Illustration: "Canny." - -=First North Briton.= "'T'S A FINE DAY, THIS?" - -=Second Ditto.= "NO ILL, AVA." - -=First North Briton.= "YE'LL BE TRAVELLIN'?" - -=Second Ditto.= "WEEL, MAYBE I'M NO." - -=First North Briton.= "GAUN T'ABERDEEN, MAYBE?" - -=Second Ditto.= "YE'RE NO FAUR AFF'T!!" - -_Mutually satisfied, each goes his respective way._ - -Illustration: _Irish Architecture._ - -=Angler= (_in Ireland_). "HULLO, PAT, WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT NOW?" - -=Pat.= "SHURE, I'M RAISIN' ME ROOF A BIT, YER HONOUR-R!!" - -Illustration: _Thrift_. - -=Peebles Body= (_to Townsman who was supposed to be in London on a -visit_). "E--EH, MAC! YE'RE SUNE HAME AGAIN!" - -=Mac.= "E--EH, IT'S JUST A RUINOUS PLACE, THAT! MUN, A HAD NA' BEEN -THE-ERRE ABUNE TWA HOOURS WHEN--_BANG_--WENT _SAXPENCE_!!!" - -Illustration: _Scruples._ - -=English Tourist= (_having arrived at Greenock on Sunday morning_). "MY -MAN, WHAT'S YOUR CHARGE FOR ROWING ME ACROSS THE FRITH?" - -=Boatman.= "WEEL, SIR, I WAS JIST THINKIN' I CANNA BREAK THE SAWBATH-DAY -FOR NO LESS THAN F'FTEEN SHULL'N'S!!" - -Illustration: A Bad Season. - -=Sportsman.= "I CAN ASSURE YOU, WHAT WITH THE RENT OF THE MOOR, AND MY -EXPENSES, AND 'WHAT NOT,' THE BIRDS HAVE COST ME--AH--A SOVEREIGN -APIECE!!" - -=Keeper.= "A' weel, Sir! 'Deed it's a Maircy ye didna Kill na mair o' -'em!!" - -Illustration: "Familiarity breeds Contempt." - -=Keeper= (_who wants to drive the Pheasants to the Squire's corner_). -"HOOO-O-O-SH! HERE, BILL, COME HERE! THEY 'ON'T GET UP FOR ME! THEY KNOW -ME TOO WELL!" - -Illustration: Intelligent! - -=Artist= (_who thinks he has found a good Model for his TOUCHSTONE_.) -"HAVE YOU ANY SENSE OF HUMOUR, MR. BINGLES?" - -=Model.= "THANK Y' SIR, NO, SIR, THANK Y'. I ENJ'YS PRETTY GOOD 'EALTH, -SIR, THANK Y' SIR!" - -Illustration: The "Nimble Ninepence." - -=City Gent= (_after a critical Inspection_). "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR THAT -MOONLIGHT?" - -=Picture-Dealer.= "I'LL SHELL YER THE TWO A BARGAIN, SHIR! CHEAP ASH DIRT, -SHIR! SHEVENTY-FIVE GUINEASH APEICSHE, SHIR! I'LL WARRANT 'EM UNDOUBTED -SMETHERS'S. SHEVENTY-FIVE----" - -=City Gent.= "O, COME, I DON'T MIND GIVING YOU--THIRTY SHILLINGS FOR THE -PAIR." - -=Picture-Dealer= (_closing with alacrity_). "DONE! WITH YOU, SHIR!!" - -_City Gent is in for 'em!_ - -Illustration: Menace. - -=Little Angler= (_to her refractory Bait_). "KEEP STILL, YOU TIRESOME -LITTLE THING! IF YOU DON'T LEAVE OFF SKRIGGLING, I'LL THROW YOU AWAY, -AND TAKE ANOTHER!" - -Illustration: "A Thing of Beauty." - -=Visitor.= "WELL, GEORGE, AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN TO BE, WHEN YOU HAVE GROWN -UP?" - -=George= (_promptly_). "AN ARTIST!" - -=Visitor.= "WELL, THEN, YOU SHALL PAINT MY PORTRAIT." - -=George.= "AH! BUT I MEAN TO PAINT PRETTY THINGS!!" - -Illustration: Mixed Pickles. - -=Domestic= (_in terrified accents_). "O, MUM, HERE'S MASTER PLANTAG'N'T, -'M, HAS BEEN AND BROKE HIS GRAN'PA'S INK-BOTTLE IN THE LIB'ARY, AND CUT -HIS FINGER DREADFUL, 'M!!" - -=Grandmamma's Darling= (_gleefully alluding to his Nasal Organ_). "AND GOT -A MARBLE UP BY DOZE, GRA'DBA'!!" - -Illustration: The Trials of a District Visitor. - -=The Honourable Miss Fuzbuz= (_loq._). "IS MRS. HIGGINS WITHIN?" - -=Mrs. Tomkins.= "I'LL CALL 'ER, M'UM." (_At the top of her Voice._) "MRS. -'IG----GINS! ERE'S THE PERSON WITH THE TRAC'S!" (_To the Honourable -Miss._) "THE LADY WILL BE DOWN PRESENTLY, M'UM!!" - -Illustration: Legitimate Criticism. - -=Aged Village Matron= (_to Sympathising Visitor_). "IT'S A 'COOKERY BOOK,' -AS MRS. PENEWISE, OUR 'DISTRICT LADY,' GIVE ME THIS CHRISTMAS, MISS. I'D -A DEAL SOONER A' HAD THE INGRIDDIMENTS, MISS!!" - -Illustration: "The Servants." - -=Old Lady.= "THEY'RE ALL ALIKE, MY DEAR. THERE'S OUR SUSAN (IT'S TRUE -SHE'S A DISSENTER), BUT I'VE ALLOWED HER TO GO TO CHAPEL THREE TIMES -EVERY SUNDAY SINCE SHE HAS LIVED WITH ME, AND I ASSURE YOU SHE DOESN'T -COOK A BIT BETTER THAN SHE DID THE FIRST DAY!!" - -Illustration: Pleasant for Simpkins! - -=Photographer= (_to Mr. Simpkins_). "KEEP YOUR HEAD STEADY, PLEASE, SIR, -AND LOOK IN THE DIRECTION OF THOSE YOUNG LADIES. STEADY NOW, SIR! DON'T -WINK, SIR!" - -=Mrs. S.= (_by a look that Mr. S. quite understood_). "JUST LET ME SEE HIM -WINK!!" - -Illustration: A Misnomer. - -=Country Valetudinarian.= "AH YES, MU'M, I'VE HAD THE 'LUMBAGER TURR'BLE -BAD, MU'M! 'KETCHES ME IN THE _SMALL_ O' THE BACK 'ERE, MU'M!!" - -Illustration: "Winkles!" - -=Philanthropic Coster'= (_who has been crying "Perry-wink--wink--wink!" -till he's hoarse--and no buyers_). "I WONDER WHAT THE P'OR UNFORT'NATE -CREETERS IN THESE 'ERE LOW NEIGHB'R'OODS DO LIVE ON!!" - -Illustration: "The Last (Co-operative) Feather." - -'=My Lady.=' "JUST TAKE AND TIE UP A COUPLE OF THOSE SACKS BEHIND THE -CARRIAGE, JAMES. THERE'LL BE ROOM, IF ONE OF YOU RIDES ON THE BOX!!" - -Illustration: Disaffection! - -=Adjutant.= "What's the Matter, Drum-Major?" - -=Drum-Major.= "Please, Sir, the Drums is in a state of Mutiny, and these -are the Ringleaders!!" - -Illustration: Zoology. - -=Railway Porter= (_to Old Lady travelling with a Menagerie of Pets_). -"'STATION MASTER SAY, MUM, AS CATS IS 'DOGS,' AND RABBITS IS 'DOGS,' AND -SO'S PARROTS; BUT THIS ERE 'TORTIS' IS A INSECT, SO THERE AIN'T NO -CHARGE FOR IT!" - -Illustration: Extortion. - -=Porter, S. E. R.= "TICKET FOR MUSICAL INSTRUMENT, PLEASE, SIR." - -=Amateur Violoncellist= (_who never travels without his bass, -indignantly_). "WHAT! PAY FOR THIS? I'VE NEVER HAD TO PAY ON ANY OTHER -LINE. THIS IS MY 'CELLO!" - -=Porter= (_calmly_). "NOT PERSONAL LUGGAGE, SIR. ALL THE SAME IF YOU'D A -HURDY-GURDY, SIR!!" - -_Our Amateur's feelings are too much for him._ - -Illustration: "Any Ornaments for your Fire-Stoves?" - -=Little Flora= (_in great distress_). "OH, MAMMA, LOOK HERE! JACK SAYS -IT'S AUNT FANNY! SHE'S GOT ON HER BEAUTIFUL BALL-DRESS WITH THE ROSES ON -IT, AND SHE'S _STUCK IN THE CHIMNEY_!" - -Illustration: Compliments of the Season. - -=Fond Parent.= "I HOPE YOU WILL BE VERY CAREFUL, MR. STIMPSON. I HAVE -ALWAYS BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO CUT THEIR HAIR MYSELF." - -=Mr. Stimpson.= "SO I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT, MADAM!" - -Illustration: On the Face of It. - -=Pretty Teacher.= "NOW, JOHNNY WELLS, CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT IS MEANT BY A -MIRACLE?" - -=Johnny.= "YES, TEACHER. MOTHER SAYS IF YOU DUN'T MARRY NEW PARSON, 'TWULL -BE A MURRACLE!" - -Illustration: Obvious Initiative. - -(_A lively Native of the Deep Sea seizes hold of a Shepherd's Dog by the -Tail, who makes off as fast as he can._) - -=Fishmonger= (_in a rage_). "WHUSTLE ON YER DOG, MUN!" - -=Highlander= (_coolly_). "WHUSTLE ON M' DOG? NA, NA, FRIEND! WHUSTLE YOU -ON YOUR _PARTAN_!!" - -Illustration: Driving a Bargain. - -=Economical Drover.= "A TEECK'T TAE FAA'KIRK." - -=Polite Clerk.= "FIVE-AND-NINEPENCE, PLEASE." - -=Drover.= "AH'LL GIE YE FIVE SHILLINGS!" - -=Clerk= (_astonished_). "EH!" - -=Drover=. "WEEL, AH'LL GIE YE FIVE-AN'-THRIPPENCE, AN' DEIL A BAWBEE MAIR! -IS'T A BARGAIN?!" - -Illustration: Candid. - -=Tam= (_very dry, at door of Country Inn, Sunday Morning_). "AYE, MAN, YE -MICHT GIE ME A BIT GILL OOT IN A BOTTLE!" - -=Landlord= (_from within_). "WEEL, YE KEN, TAMMAS, I DAURNA SELL ONYTHING -THE DAY. AND FORBYE YE GOT A HALF-MUTCHKIN AWA' WI' YE LAST NICHT (AFTER -HOORS TAE); IT CANNA BE A' DUNE YET!" - -=Tam.= "DUNE! LOSH, MAN, D'YE THINK A' COULD SLEEP AN' WHUSKEY I' THE -HOOSE?!" - -Illustration: An Irish Model. - -=Mrs. Magillicuddy= (_to her Daughter_). "WHY, WHY, ROSEEN! WHAT'S BEEN -DELAYIN' YE? WHY! AND ME WAITIN' THIS HOUR PAST TO COME IN WID THE -MILK!" - -=Rose.= "O, SURE, THIN, MOTHER DEAR, ON ME WAY BACK FROM THE MEADA' I MET -SUCH A DARLIN' ENGLISH JINTLEMAN--A RALE ARTIST. WHY, AND HE AXED ME TO -ALLOW HIM TO TAKE ME LANDSKIP; AND O, MOTHER MAVRONE, IT'S A WONDER HOW -LIKE ME HE'S MED IT, GLORY BE TO THE SAINTS!" - -Illustration: A Benediction! - -=Irish Beggarwoman= (_to our friend, Dr. O'Gorman, whose Nose is of the -shortest_). "WON'T YE GIVE ME A COPPER, DOCTHER DEAR? THEY, NOW, IF YE -HAVEN'T WAN PENNY CONVANIENT!--AND MAY THE BLISSED SAINTS INCRASE YE!" - -=Dr. O'Gorman.= "STAND ASIDE, MY GOOD WOMAN. I'VE NOTHING FOR YOU." - -=Beggarwoman.= "O, THIN, THE LARD PRESARVE YER EYESIGHT, FOR THE DIVIL A -NOSE YE HAVE TO MOUNT THE 'SPECS' UPON!!" - -Illustration: Mrs. Frummage's Birthday Dinner-Party. - -=Mrs. F.= ("_coming from behind the Screen, sneakin' just like her_"). -"THERE! OH YOU GOODFORNOTHING BOY, NOW I'VE FOUND YOU OUT. HOW DARE YOU -TOUCH THE WINE, SIR?" - -=Robert.= "PLEASE 'M, I WAS--I WAS ONLY JUST A GOIN' TO WISH YOURS AN' -MASTER'S WERY GOOD 'EALTH 'M!" - -Illustration: Confession. - -=Old Lady= (_who can't stand her Page's destructive carelessness any -longer_). "NOW, ROBERT, I WANT YOU CLEARLY TO UNDERSTAND THE REASON I -PART WITH YOU. CAN YOU TELL ME?" - -=Robert= (_affected to tears_). "YES, 'M." - -=Old Lady.= "WHAT, ROBERT?" - -=Robert.= "'CAUSE I'M--(_SNIFF_)--'CAUSE I'M--'CAUSE I'M _SO UGLY_!!" - -Illustration: A Stroke of Business. - -=Village Hampden= (_"who with dauntless breast" has undertaken, for -sixpence, to keep off the other boys_). "IF ANY OF YER WANTS TO SEE WHAT -WE'RE A PAINTIN' OF, IT'S A 'ALFPENNY A 'EAD, BUT YOU MARN'T MAKE NO -REMARKS." - -Illustration: Proper Reproof. - -=Fussy Party.= "WHY DON'T YOU TOUCH YOUR HAT TO ME, BOY?" - -=Country Boy.= "SO I WUL I' YEAOU'LL HOWD THE CA-ALF!" - -Illustration: Little and Good. - -=Gentleman.= "WHO DO THESE PIGS BELONG TO, BOY?" - -'=Chaw.=' "WHY, THIS 'ERE OWD ZOW." - -=Gentleman.= "YES, YES; BUT I MEAN WHO'S THEIR MASTER?" - -'=Chaw.=' "WHY, THAT THERE LITTLE 'UN; HE'S A VARMUN TO FOIGHT!" - -Illustration: "Mistakes Will Happen." - -=Mamma= (_alarmed_). "WHAT IS IT, MY DARLING?" - -=Pet.= "YA--AH, BOO--OOH--AH!" - -=Mamma.= "WHAT'S THE MATTER, THEN? COME AND TELL ITS OWN----" - -=Pet.= "BA--H-OO-H--SHE--SHE DID--WASH ME ONCE--AN'--SAYS--SHE -DIDN'T--AN'--SHE'S BEEN--AN' GONE AN' WASHED ME OVER AGAIN!!" - -Illustration: Brushing Pa's New Hat. - -=Edith.= "NOW, TOMMY, YOU KEEP TURNING SLOWLY, TILL WE'VE DONE IT ALL -ROUND." - -Illustration: More Than One for His Nob. - -=Irritable Old Gentleman= (_who is rather particular about his -appearance_). "I WISH YOU'D BE CAREFUL. THAT'S THE THIRD OR FOURTH TIME -YOU'VE PRICKED ME WITH YOUR SCISSORS!" - -=Young Man= (_from "Round the Corner"_). "BEG YER PARDON, SIR, BUT THE -FACT IS, SIR, I 'AVEN'T BEEN IN THE 'ABIT O' CUTTIN' 'AIR, SIR. WE'RE -RATHER SHORT OF 'ANDS, SO----" - -_Old Gent explodes._ - -Illustration: A Passage of Arms. - -=Hairdresser.= "'AIR'S VERY DRY, SIR!" - -=Customer= (_who knows what's coming_). "I LIKE IT DRY!" - -=Hairdresser= (_after awhile, again advancing to the attack_). "'EAD'S -VERY SCURFY, SIR!" - -=Customer= (_still cautiously retiring_). "YA-AS, I PREFER IT SCURFY!" - -_Assailant gives in defeated_ - -Illustration: Flunkeianum. - -=Master.= "THOMPSON, I BELIEVE THAT I HAVE REPEATEDLY EXPRESSED AN -OBJECTION TO BEING SERVED WITH STALE BREAD AT DINNER. HOW IS IT MY -WISHES HAVE NOT BEEN ATTENDED TO?" - -=Thompson.= "WELL, SIR, I REELY DON'T KNOW WHAT IS TO BE DONE! IT WON'T DO -TO WASTE IT, AND WE _CAN'T_ EAT IT DOWN-STAIRS!!" - -Illustration: _A Dilemma._ - -=Auxiliary Recruit= (_to himself_). "MURDER! MURDER! WHAT'LL I DO NOW? -'DRILL-SARJINT TOULD ME ALWAYS TO SALUTE ME OFFICER WID THE FAR-OFF -HAND, AND HERE'S TWO IV EM! FAIX, I'LL MAKE IT STRAIGHT FOR MESELF -ANYHOW!" - -_Throws up both Hands._ - -Illustration: _Lessons in the Vacation._ - -=Public School-man.= "HE-AR, CABBY, WE'LL GIVE YOU EIGHTEEN-PENCE TO TAKE -US TO BRIXTON." - -=Cabby.= "WELL, I GENERALLY DO CARRY CHILDREN 'ALF PRICE, BUT I'M ENGAGED -THIS MORNING, GENTS!" - -Illustration: Wimbledon. - -=The Irrepressible 'Arry= (_to Swell--Small-bore Man--who has just -fired_). "YA--AH! NEVER 'IT IT!!" - -Illustration: Wimbledon. - -=Volunteer Mounted Officer= (_Midnight_). "HULLO HERE! WHY DON'T YOU TURN -OUT THE GUARD? I'M THE FIELD-OFFICER OF THE DAY!" - -=Volunteer Sentry.= "THEN WHAT THE DEUCE ARE YOU DOIN' OUT THIS TIME O' -NIGHT?" - -Illustration: A Hardship. - -=Mistress.= "I THINK, ELIZABETH, I MUST ASK YOU TO GO TO CHURCH THIS -AFTERNOON INSTEAD OF THIS MORNING, BECAUSE----" - -=Elizabeth= (_indignantly_). "WELL, MUM, WHICH IN MY LAST PLACE I WAS -NEVER AS'ED TO GO AN' 'EAR A CURATE PREACH!" - -Illustration: "Like her Impudence." - -=Missis and the Young Ladies= (_together_). "GOODNESS GRACIOUS, J'MIMA! -WHAT HAVE YOU----_WHERE'S_ YOUR CR'N'LIN?" (_This word snappishly._) - -=Jemima.= "OH 'M, PLEASE 'M, WHICH I UNDERSTOOD AS THEY WAS A GOIN' OUT, -'M----" - -_Receives warning on the spot._ - -Illustration: "Too Bad!" - -=Comic Man= (_in an audible Whisper, while his Friend is "obliging" with -"Adelaide"_). "LOOK OUT! HE'S COMING TO THE PASSIONATE PART NOW. YOU'LL -SEE HIM WAG HIS SHOULDERS!" - -Illustration: "It's the Pace that Kills." - -=Miss Rattleton= (_who means Waltzing_). "OH, I DID NOT SAY 'STOP,' MR. -PLUMPLEY." - -=Mr. Plumpley= (_utterly blown, in gasps_). "'MSURE YOU--MUSTBETIRED----" - -_And joins the Card-players._ - -Illustration: The Gamut. - -=Jack Bowbell= (_beginning his Song_). "'APPY LAND, 'APPY LAND----" - -=Tom Belgrave.= "ONE MOMENT--EXCUSE ME, MY DEAR FELLOW--BUT DON'T YOU -THINK THE SONG WOULD GO BETTER IF YOU WERE TO SOUND YOUR _H_'S JUST A -LITTLE?" - -=Jack Bowbell.= "EH? SOUND MY _H_'S?" (_Chuckles._) "SHOWS HOW MUCH YOU -KNOW ABOUT MUSIC!--NO SUCH NOTE--ONLY GOES UP TO _G_!" (_Continues._) -"'APPY LAND, 'APPY LAND----" - -Illustration: _Garrison Instruction._ - -=Instructor= (_lecturing_). "GENTLEMEN, A THREE-LEGGED TRESTLE IS A -TRESTLE WITH THREE LEGS. YOU HAD BETTER MAKE A NOTE OF THAT, GENTLEMEN." -(_Intense scribbling._) - -=General in Embryo= (_but not at present noted for smartness_), _after a -pause of some Minutes_. "I BEG YOUR PARDON, MAJOR, BUT HOW MANY LEGS DID -YOU SAY THE TRESTLE HAD?" (_Left sitting._) - -Illustration: Cavalry Criticism. - -=Adjutant= (_to Riding-Master_). "AH, THERE'S MR. QUICKSTEP!" (_Who had -just Exchanged into the Regiment from the Infantry_.) "HOW DOES HE GET -ON?" - -=Riding-Master=. "WELL, SIR, I THINK HE'S THE HOSSIEST GEN'LEMAN AFUT--AND -THE FUTTIEST GEN'LEMAN ON A HOS THAT EVER I'VE MET WITH SINCE I'VE BEEN -IN THE REG'MENT!" - -Illustration: "_The Way we Had in the Army._" - -=Colonel= (_of the pre-Examination period--to studious Sub_). "I SAY, -YOUNGSTER, YOU'LL NEVER MAKE A SOLDIER IF YOU DON'T MIND WHAT YOU'RE -ABOUT!" - -=Sub= (_mildly_). "I SHOULD BE SORRY TO THINK THAT, SIR!" - -=Colonel.= "I SAW YOU SNEAKING UP THE HIGH STREET YESTERDAY, LOOKING LIKE -A METHODIST PARSON IN REDUCED CIRCUMSTANCES!--HOLD UP YOUR HEAD, SIR! -BUY A STICK, SIR! SLAP YOUR LEG, SIR! AND STARE AT THE GIRLS AT THE -WINDOWS!" - -Illustration: "An Officer and a Gentleman!" - -=Volunteer Captain= (_bumptiously_). "OFFICER'S TICKET!" - -=Considerate Clerk=. "GOVER'MENT TARIFF'S HIGH ON THIS LINE, SIR. YOU'D -BETTER GO AS A GENTLEMAN! CHEAPER!" - -_The Captain is shocked, loses his presence of mind, and takes advantage -of the suggestion_. - -Illustration: "The Service going to, &c.!" - -ENSIGN BROWN SHARES A TENT AT WIMBLEDON WITH HIS FRIEND JONES, PRIVATE -IN THE SAME COMPANY. - -=Ensign Brown=. "OH, I SAY, JO--MR. JONES, THERE'S ONE OF THOSE PEGS -LOOSE. HEM--WILL YOU--I WISH--JUST JUMP OUT, AND MAKE IT FAST!" - -=Private Jones=. "OH, HANG IT, BR--MR. BROWN! COME, I DON'T MIND TOSSING -YOU!!" - -Illustration: Presence of Mind. - -=Constables= (_in chorus_). "HOY! HULLO! STOP! TURN BACK THERE! CAN'T COME -THROUGH THE PARK!" - -=Elderly Female= (_in a hurry to catch a train_). "P'LICEMAN, I'M THE -_'OME SECRETARY_!!!" - -=Sergeant of Police= (_taken aback_). "OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON, I'M SURE, -MUM! ALL RIGHT--DRIVE ON, CABBY!" - -_Old Lady saves the train._ - -Illustration: "Bric a Brac." - -=Mamma= } { {SAM!" - }_together_ {"GOODNESS, GRACIOUS, { -=Daughters=} { {PA'!" - -=Papa= (_who has a passion for Antiques_). "MY DEARS, I THOUGHT IT WOULD -DO SO NICELY FOR THE LANDING AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS, EH." - -Illustration: Encouraging. - -=First Bystander= (_evidently Village Schoolmaster--ignorant set of people -generally!_). "DON'T SEEM TO BE MAKING MUCH OF IT, DO 'E?" - -=Second Bystander= (_you'd have thought him an intelligent Farmer, by the -look of him_). "AMMY-TOOR, SEEMIN'LY!!" - -Illustration: "Fine Art." - -=Rural Connoisseur.= "HE'S A P'INTIN' TWO PICTUR'S AT ONCE, D' YER SEE? -'BLEST IF I DON'T LIKE THAT THERE LITTLE 'UN AS HE'S GOT HIS THUMB -THROUGH, THE BEST!" - -Illustration: _Our Reserves._ - -(AUXILIARY FORCES, NORTH OF IRELAND.) - -=Last Joined Supernumerary.= "NOW, THEN, SENTRY, WHY DON'T YOU SALUTE YOUR -OFFICER?" - -=Militia Sentry= (_old Yankee Irish Veteran, who has been through the -"Secesh" War_). "SALUTE, IS IT? DIVEL A SALUTE YOU'LL GET ONTILL YE PAY -YER FUTTIN'!!" - -Illustration: _Badinage._ - -=Facetious 'Bus-Driver= (_offering to pull up_). "'ERE Y'ARE, SIR. LOOK -SHARP, BILL AND 'ELP THE GEN'LEMAN IN WITH HIS LUGGAGE!" - -=Chimney-Sweep= (_whose self-respect is hurt_) _uses strong language!_ - -='Bus-Driver.= "BEG PARD'N, SIR. GEN'LEMAN AIN'T FOR US, BILL. HE'S A -LOOKIN' OUT FOR A 'HATLAS. GOIN' TO MADAM TOOSAWD'S, TO 'AVE HIS STATTY -DONE IN WAX-WORK!!" - -Illustration: _Particular to a Hair._ - -=Irate Major= (_to hairy Sub._). "WHEN NEXT YOU COME ON PARADE, SIR, HAVE -THE GOODNESS TO LEAVE THOSE CONFOUNDED WEATHERCOCKS BEHIND YOU!" - -Illustration: _Chronology._ - -='Bus-Driver.= "THEY TELL ME THERE'VE BEEN SOME COINS FOUND IN THESE 'ERE -'EXKYVATIONS THAT 'A BEEN BURIED THERE A MATTER O' FOUR OR FIVE 'UNDRED -YEAR!!" - -=Passenger Friend.= "OH, THAT'S NOTHIN'! WHY, THERE'S SOME IN THE BRI'SH -MUSEUM--AH--MORE THAN TWO THOUSAND YEAR OLD!!" - -='Bus-Driver= (_after a pause_). "COME, GEORGE, THAT WON'T DO, YER KNOW! -'CAUSE WE'RE ONLY IN EIGHT'N 'UNDRED AN' SIXTY-NINE NOW!!!" - -Illustration: "_Bus-Measure._" - -='Bus-Driver.= "NEVER SEE THE COMET?! WHY, WHEREVER COULD YOU 'A'----" -(_Notices Shortness of "Ge'tleman's" hair, &c., and hesitates_). -"HOWSOMEVER----" - -=Passenger= (_relieving his embarrassment_). "WHEREABOUTS WAS IT?" - -=Driver.= "WELL, I'LL TELL YER. IT WAS ABOUT THE LENGTH O' THIS YERE BUS -FROM THE FORRARDEST LEADER IN THE GREAT BEAR!" - -Illustration: Tricks upon Travellers. - -=Bonsor= (_down upon little Stannery, who's a great boaster about his -"Swell" acquaintance, and his extensive "Travel," and this year -especially, down Palestine way_). "DID YOU SEE THE DARDANELLES?" - -=Stannery.= "EH! THE--EH? OH, YE'--YES! JOLLY FELLARS AS EVER I MET! DINED -WITH 'EM AT VIENNAH!" - -_Little S. has left the Club._ - -Illustration: Quantity not Quality. - -=Brown, Senior.= "WELL, FRED, WHAT DID YOU SEE DURING YOUR TRIP ABROAD?" - -=Brown, Junior.= "AW--'PON M'WORD, 'DON'T KNOW WHAT I SAW 'XACTLY, 'ONLY -KNOW I DID MORE BY THREE COUNTRIES, EIGHT TOWNS, AND FOUR MOUNTAINS, -THAN SMITH DID IN THE SAME TIME!" - -Illustration: "A Woman of Business." - -=Husband= (_who has been on the Continent, and left his Wife some Blank -Cheques_). "MY DEAR LOUISA, I FIND YOU HAVE CONSIDERABLY OVERDRAWN AT -THE BANK!" - -=Wife.= "O, NONSENSE, WILLY, HOW CAN THAT BE? WHY, I'VE TWO OF THOSE BLANK -CHEQUES LEFT YET!!" - -Illustration: "Reason in Woman." - -=Young Wife.= "GEORGE, DEAR, I'VE HAD A TALK WITH THE SERVANTS THIS -MORNING, AND I'VE AGREED TO RAISE THEIR WAGES. THEY SAID EVERYTHING WAS -SO DEAR NOW--MEAT WAS SO HIGH, AND COALS HAD RISEN TO SUCH A PRICE, AND -EVERYTHING----I THOUGHT THIS WAS REASONABLE, BECAUSE I'VE SO OFTEN HEARD -YOU COMPLAIN OF THE SAME THING." - -Illustration: "Our Failures." - -=Husband.= "I SAY, LIZZIE, WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU MAKE THIS MINT-SAUCE OF?" - -=Young Wife= (_who has been "helping" Cook_). "PARSLEY, TO BE SURE!" - -Illustration: "_Where there's a Will there's a Way!_" - -=Cook.= "PLEASE, 'M, I WISHES TO GIVE WARNING----" - -=Mistress= (_surprised_). "WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?" - -=Cook.= "THE FACT IS, MUM, I'M GOING TO GET MARRIED!" - -=Mistress.= "WHY, COOK, I DID NOT KNOW YOU WERE ENGAGED!" - -=Cook.= "WHICH I HAM NOT AZACTLY ENGAGED AS YET, MUM; BUT I FEELS MYSELF -TO BE OF THAT 'APPY DISPOSITION AS I COULD LOVE HANY MAN, MUM!" - -Illustration: "_Satisfactory!_" - -=Mistress.= "WELL, JESSIE, I'M GOING INTO NAIRNE, AND WILL SEE YOUR -MOTHER. CAN I GIVE HER ANY MESSAGE FROM YOU?" - -=Jessie= (_her first "place"_). "OU, MEM, YE CAN JUST SAY I'M UNCO' WEEL -PLEASED WI' YE!!" - -Illustration: "_Ha! Ha! The Wooin' O't!_" - -=Young Mistress= (_gravely; she had seen an affectionate parting at the -garden-gate_). "I SEE YOU'VE GOT A YOUNG MAN, JANE!" - -=Jane= (_apologetically_). "ONLY WALKED OUT WITH HIM ONCE, M'UM!" - -=Mistress.= "O, BUT I THOUGHT I SAW--DIDN'T YOU--DIDN'T HE--TAKE A KISS, -JANE?" - -=Jane.= "O, M'M, ONLY AS A FRIEND, M'M!!" - -Illustration: "_The Way we Build now._" - -=Indignant Houseowner= (_he had heard it was so much cheaper, in the end, -to buy your House_). "WH' WHAT'S THE--WHAT AM I!--WHA'--WHAT DO YOU -SUPPOSE IS THE MEANING OF THIS, MR. SCAMPLING!?" - -=Local Builder.= "T' TUT, TUT! WELL, SIR, I 'SPECTS SOME ONE'S BEEN -A-LEANIN' AGIN IT!!" - -Illustration: "In the Long Run." - -=Town Gent.= "NOW DO YOU FIND KEEPING POULTRY ANSWERS?" - -=Country Gent= (_lately retired_). "O, 'ES, S'POSED TO ANSWER. Y' SEE -THERE'S THE ORIGINAL COST OF THE FOWLS--'F COURSE THE FOOD GOES DOWN TO -ME, Y' KNOW. WELL, THEN, I PURCHASE THE EGGS FROM THE CHILDREN, AND THEY -EAT THEM!!!" - -Illustration: Rather too Literal. - -=Country Gentleman= (_in a rage_). "WHY, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO, YOU -IDIOT! YOU'VE LET HIM DOWN, AND----" - -=New Groom.= "YES, YER HONNER, YE TOULD ME TO BREAK HIM; AN' BRUK HE IS, -KNEES AN' ALL, WORSE LUCK!" - -Illustration: "Bon Voyage!" - -=Mossu= (_shot into a nice soft loam_) _exultingly_. "A--HA--A! I AM SAFE -O-VERE! NOW IT IS YOUR TURN, MEESTER TIMBRE JOMPRE! COME ON, SABE!" - -Illustration: "Fiat Experimentum," &c. - -=The Rector.= "GOOD MORNING, MRS. SMITHERS. HOW'S THE BABY? ISN'T IT -RATHER EARLY TO BRING HIM TO CHURCH? DON'T YOU THINK HE'LL BE RESTLESS?" - -=Mrs. Smithers.= "O, NO, SIR, HE'LL BE QUIET, SIR, WHICH WE TOOK HIM TO -THE METHODIS' CHAPEL LAST SUNDAY O' PURPOSE TO TRY HIM, SIR!" - -Illustration: Irreverent. - -=Policeman= (_on the occasion of our "Confirmation"_). "STOP! STOP! GO -BACK! YOU MUSTN'T COME IN HERE! WE'RE EXPECTIN' O' THE BISHOP EVERY -MINUTE!" - -=Cabby= (_fortissimo_). "ALL RIGHT! WHY'VE GOT THE OLD BUFFER INSIDE!" - -Illustration: Wet and Dry. - -=Careful Wife.= "ARE YOU VERY WET, DEAR?" - -=Ardent Angler= (_turning up his flask_). "NO; DRY AS A LIME-KILN--HAVEN'T -HAD A DROP THESE TWO HOURS!" - -Illustration: "_Not so Fast!_" - -=Old Gent.= (_soliloquising, in the Wilds of Glenmuchie_). "AH, WELL, THIS -IS VERY JOLLY! WEALTH'S A GREAT BLESSING--NOT THAT I'M A RICH MAN--BUT -AFTER THE TURMOIL AND WORRY OF BUSINESS, TO BE ABLE TO RETIRE TO THESE -CHARMING SOLITUDES, THE SILENCE ONLY BROKEN BY THE GRATEFUL SOUNDS OF -THE RIPPLING STREAM ('BURN,' I MEAN. AH! I NEARLY HAD HIM THEN!), AND -THE HUM OF THE BEE! TO BE ABLE TO LEAVE LONDON AND ITS TIRESOME -MILLIONS, AND FORGET ALL THE LOW----" - -=Voice from the Bridge= (_the ubiquitous "'Arry"_). "COULD YER 'BLIGE US -WITH A WORM, GOV'NOUR?"!! - -Illustration: Banting in the Yeomanry. - -=Troop-Sergeant Major.= "IT COMES TO THIS, CAPTAIN, 'A MUN E'THER HEV' A -NEW JACKET OR KNOCK OFF ONE O' MY MEALS!" - -Illustration: Something from the Provinces. - -=Excursionist= (_politely_). "CAN YOU KINDLY DIRECT ME THE NEAREST WAY TO -SLAGLEY?" - -=Powerful Navvy.= "AH CAN POONCH TH' HEAD O' THEE!" - -_Excursionist retires hastily._ - -Illustration: "Ways and Means." - -=First Country Gentleman.= "'MEAN HUNTING THIS WINTER, CHARLIE?" - -=Second Country Gentleman= (_doubtfully_). "'SHALL TRY AND 'WORK' IT." - -=First Country Gentleman.= "HOW?" - -=Second Country Gentleman.= "GIVE UP THE UNDER-NURSE, I THINK." - -Illustration: Blank Firing. - -=Ancient Sportsman= (_whose Sight is not what it used to be_). "PICK 'EM -UP, JAMES, PICK 'EM UP! WHY DON'T YOU PICK 'EM UP?" - -=Veteran Keeper.= "'CAUSE THERE BEAN'T ANY DOWN, MY LORD!" - - - CONTENTS. - PAGE - - Adjustment 25 - - A Fortiori 110 - - Alarming 44 - - Alma Mater 50 - - Angling Extraordinary 81 - - Answer, a Soft 22 - - Anything for a Change 118 - - Appeal, a Final 37 - - Appearances 118 - - Arbiter Elegantiarum 35 - - Arcadian Amenities 56 - - Archery Meeting, the 76 - - Architecture (Irish) 123 - - Argumentum ad Hominem 21 - - Artful--Very! 57 - - Artist, Our 54 - - Art-School Conversazione, Our 119 - - As Well as can be Expected 46 - - Awkward! 75, 108 - - - Badinage 146 - - Bagpipes and Classical Music 56 - - Banting in the Yeomanry 155 - - Bargain, Driving a 132 - - Barometrical 14 - - Beard Movement, the 106 - - Beauty, a Thing of 126 - - Benediction! a 133 - - Bereaved 96 - - Between two Shoeblacks - we fall, &c. 120 - - Bird Show, the 5 - - Birthday Dinner-Party, - Mrs. Frummage's 134 - - Blank Firing 155 - - Bon Voyage! 100, 152 - - Boon Companions 96 - - Boxing-Day 55 - - Boys, those Dreadful 80 - - Breaking the Ice 24, 156 - - Bric a Brac 144 - - Brother Brush 84 - - Brushing Pa's New Hat 136 - - Business! 69 - - " a Stroke of 135 - - Bus-Measure 147 - - By the Card 41 - - - Candid 132 - - Canny 68, 122 - - Casual Acquaintance, a 43 - - Catechism under Difficulties 78 - - Cavalry Criticism 142 - - Chaff 31 - - Change for the Better, a , 65 - - Character, a Satisfactory 98 - - Chronology 147 - - Circumlocutory! 43 - - Civil Servants, H. M., What - they have to Endure 117 - - Civil Service Miseries 49 - - Club Law 94 - - Colloquial Equivalents 65 - - Commissariat, the 69 - - Comparisons 73 - - Compliment, a 47 - - Complimentary 39 - - Compliments of the Season 82, 85, 131 - - Compliments of the (Sketching) Season 84 - - Concert, the Morning 97 - - Conclusive 58 - - Confederate, a Treacherous 23 - - Confession 134 - - " in Confusion 18 - - Confidence, in 93 - - Connoisseur, the 16 - - Connoisseurs, the 60 - - Conscience, a Guilty 74 - - Conscience Clause, the 101 - - Considerate 52 - - Convalescent, the 74 - - Cool Card, a 97 - - Cricket 23 - - Criticism, Considerate 109 - - " Legitimate 127 - - Culture for the Working Classes 43 - - Cure, a Perfect 45 - - Curious 118 - - Customer, Bad 2 - - - Dear, Dear Boy! 83 - - Decimals on Deck 13 - - Definition, a 70 - - Degenerate Son, a 25 - - Delicacy 40 - - Delicately Put 73 - - Depression 86 - - Desperate Case! 25, 100 - - Dignity 1, 102 - - Dilemma, a 20, 91, 138 - - Dinners, Little, How we - arrange our 58 - - Disaffection! 125 - - Dish, a New 53 - - Distinction, a 51 - - Distracting 47 - - District Visitor, Trials of a 127 - - Durance 3 - - Duty and Pleasure 69 - - - Education! 23, 101 - - Embarrassing 50 - - Encouraging! 90, 145 - - Equal to the Situation 74 - - Exchange! 25 - - Excuse, a Perfect 107 - - Exempli Gratia 102 - - Extenuating Circumstances 70 - - Extortion 130 - - - Fahrenheit 107 - - Failing, a Little 60 - - Failures, Our 149 - - Familiarity breeds Contempt - 124 - - Family Man, a 15 - - Family Pride 1 - - Family Ties 8 - - Feather, the last (Co-operative) 125 - - Fiat Experimentum 153 - - Fine Art 145 - - Finishing Touch, the 109 - - Fish, a Big 56 - - Fishing, an Evening's (behind the - Distillery at Sligo) 121 - - Flattering 72 - - Flunkeianum 137 - - For Better for Worse 7 - - - Game (a) Two can Play at 13 - - Gamut, the 141 - - Garrison Instruction 142 - - Grandiloquence 77 - - Gratitude 93 - - Grey Mare, the 58 - - Gentility in Greens 9 - - Geology 96 - - Golden Age Restored, the 63 - - - Habit, Force of 50 - - " a Luxurious 63 - - Ha! Ha! the Wooin' o' it 150 - - Happy Thought 82 - - Hard Lines 35 - - Hardship, a 140 - - Hard-up on a Wet Day 99 - - Harp in the Air, the 122 - - Heresy 42 - - He thought he was Safe 108 - - Hibernian Veracity 111 - - High Life below Stairs! 94 - - Hoist with his own Pomade 47 - - Hunting Appointments 89 - - Hunting Idiot 54 - - Hygiene 108 - - Hyperbole 88 - - - Ignorance, Crass 10 - - Im-pertinent 120 - - Incidit in Scyllam, &c. 117 - - Incombinable Elements 99 - - Ingenuas Didicisse, &c. 36 - - Ingenuity, Irish 12 - - In the Long Run 151 - - Initiative, Obvious 132 - - Inspection, Our 89 - - Intelligent! 129 - - In Vino Memoria 78 - - Io Bacche! 60 - - Irish Grievances, Real 88 - - Irreverent 153 - - Irrevocable 55 - - Is it Pos-sible?! 31 - - It's an Ill Wind, &c. 90 - - It's the Pace that Kills 141 - - - Jeopardy, in 41 - - Just in Time 17 - - - Knowledge, Pursuit of 95 - - - Labour, Division of 38 - - Lapsus Linguae 76 - - Last Word, the 91 - - Le Jeu ne vaut pas la Chandelle 28 - - Lessons in the Vacation 138 - - Let Well alone! 28 - - Levelling Up 77 - - Liberal to a Fault 48 - - Like her Impudence 140 - - Lingua East Anglia 62 - - Little and Good 135 - - Look before you Leap 27 - - Lucid! 26 - - Lucus a Non, &c. 88 - - Luxury, Seasonable 22 - - - Making Things Pleasant 81 - - Mal Apropos 18 - - Manners! 116 - - Manoeuvres, Our 19, 59 - - March of Refinement 2 - - Master of the Situation?! 116 - - Matter! 37 - - Meat Supply, the 66 - - Menace 126 - - Men were Deceivers ever 49 - - Mens Conscia 1 - - Mercies, Small, (not) Thankful for 39 - - Military Manoeuvres 19 - - Mind and Matter 79 - - Mine of Speculation, a 21 - - Misnomer, a 128 - - Mistakes will Happen 136 - - Mistletoe Bough, Oh the 42 - - Model, an Irish 133 - - More than one for his Nob 137 - - M. P., a Pledged 4 - - Music in the Midlands 106 - - Music of the Future--Sensation Opera 94 - - Mystery solved, the 3 - - Mystification 71 - - - Nae that Fou! 110 - - Narcotic, a 15 - - Natural Advantages 113 - - Nature and Art 113 - - Never say 'Die' 36 - - Nimble Ninepence, the 129 - - No accounting for Taste 64 - - Noblesse oblige! 105 - - No Mistake, this Time 27 - - No such Luck 30 - - Not Proven 121 - - Not so Fast! 154 - - Not to put too fine a Point on it 36 - - - Obliging 71 - - Off! 38 - - Offender, an Old 55 - - Offer, a Fair 111 - - Officer (an) and a Gentleman! 143 - - Once for All 92 - - On the Face of it 131 - - Order, an Extensive 30 - - Ornaments for your Fire-Stoves 131 - - - Panic in the Kitchen, a 32 - - Parthian Shaft, a 115 - - Particular! 34, 90 - - " to a Hair 147 - - Partner, Vivifying Treatment of a 34 - - Passage of Arms, a 137 - - Penny Wise 46 - - Perils of the Deep 4 - - Personal! 100 - - Perspective! 79 - - Pet, Intelligent 3 - - Pickles, Mixed 126 - - Pic-nic, the 57 - - Pink of Fashion, the 5 - - Plain to Demonstration 9 - - Pleasant for Simpkins! 128 - - Pleasuring! 107 - - Plutocrat, a 37 - - Point of View, a 87 - - Point of View, from one 119 - - Poor Humanity! 7 - - Precise 29 - - Presence of Mind 144 - - Prevention's better than Cure 8 - - Profanation 80 - - Proof Positive 32 - - Prospect, a Pleasant 67, 85 - - Prospect, a Nice 95 - - Provinces, Something from the 155 - - Prudence, Common 6 - - Pulpit-Critics, Stern 68 - - - Qualifications 33 - - Quantity, not Quality 148 - - Quite another Thing 111 - - Quite Superfluous 105 - - - Races not yet Extinct 20 - - Rather too Literal 152 - - Ready! 83 - - Reason in Woman 149 - - Reassuring 67, 112 - - Reductio ad Absurdum 86 - - Refrigerated Tourists 2 - - Refusal, a Rash 73 - - Register! Register! 120 - - Relapse 97 - - Reminiscences 46 - - Reproof, Proper 135 - - Res Angustae Domi 11 - - Reserves, Our--the Battle of Amesbury 59 - - " Auxiliary Forces, North of Ireland 146 - - Restraints of Society 114 - - Retributive Justice 41 - - Revenge for the Union, More 13 - - Riding Lesson, the 26 - - Roll-Call, the 9 - - Romance of the Kitchen 82 - - Run of the House, the 103 - - Running Drill, the New 19 - - Rural Simplicity 78 - - Rustic Recollections 52 - - - Sacrifice 70 - - Satisfactory! 150 - - Sausage Machine, the 16 - - Scruples 123 - - Scrupulous 12 - - Season, a Bad 124 - - Secrets 115 - - Selling him a Pennyworth 65 - - Sermon, the First 24 - - Servants, the 35, 40, 104, 127 - - Service (the) going to, &c. 143 - - Shocking! 156 - - Silence is Golden 14 - - Silly Suffolk (?) Pastorals--Reciprocity 76 - - Silver Lining to a Cloud, not a 53 - - Simple Addition 114 - - Simplicity, Sweet 115 - - Sinister Slip, a 49 - - Slip o' the Tongue, a 18 - - Small Mercies 44 - - Sold--Cheap 64 - - Son, a Kind 10 - - " a Degenerate 25 - - Spoiling it 33 - - Straightforward View, a 51 - - Struggle for Existence, the 98 - - Suit your Talk to your Company 75 - - Suspicion! 86 - - Sweet is Revenge--especially to Women! 24 - - Sympathy 48, 103 - - - Tailors' Strike, in consequence of the 45 - - Temper, the Triumphs of 6 - - Temptation 33 - - Terms, Cash 93 - - Theatricals, Our 72 - - The Better the Day, &c. 51 - - The Way we Build now 151 - - The Way we had in the Army 143 - - The Way we Live now 112 - - The more Haste, the less Speed 87 - - Themis, Irish Ideal of 122 - - There's many a Slip 62 - - Tho' lost to Sight-- 29 - - Thrift 123 - - Ticket of Leave, a 66 - - 'Tis better not to Know 30 - - Too Bad! 141 - - Too Late 106 - - Too True! 92 - - Tourists, Refrigerated 2 - - Tracts! 66 - - Trade, State of 27 - - Travellers, Tricks upon 148 - - Truth, a Half 7 - - Trying 5 - - Turk, a Regular 117 - - Turn about 81 - - Two Sides to a Question 85 - - Tyranny 45 - - - Ulster, the 14 - - Unconscionable 15 - - Unprejudiced! 10 - - Up and Down Stairs 92 - - - Veneration 22 - - Vested Interests 31 - - Veteran, a 61 - - - Wages and Wives 95 - - Warning, Awful 16 - - Ways and Means 155 - - Weather, a Change in the 11 - - Weights and Measures 44 - - Well Meant 113 - - Wet and Dry 154 - - What Next? 104 - - What's in a Name? 35 - - What's the Odds? 61 - - When you are about it 103 - - Where Ignorance is Bliss &c. 39 - - Where there's a Will there's a Way! 150 - - Wimbledon 139 - - Winkles! 128 - - Woman-hater, a 102 - - Woman of Business, a 149 - - Woman's Rights 68 - - Words and Weights 17 - - - XXX cellent Reasons 48 - - - Zoology 130 - - - - - * * * * * * - - - - -Transcriber's note: - -The index has been moved from the beginning of the book to the -end for the reader's convenience. - -The punctuation and spelling are as printed in the original -publication. - - - -***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OUR PEOPLE*** - - -******* This file should be named 41057.txt or 41057.zip ******* - - -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: -http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/4/1/0/5/41057 - - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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