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diff --git a/41025-0.txt b/41025-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2c372ce --- /dev/null +++ b/41025-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6495 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41025 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 41025-h.htm or 41025-h.zip: + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/41025/41025-h/41025-h.htm) + or + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/41025/41025-h.zip) + + + Images of the original pages are available through + Internet Archive. See + http://archive.org/details/joshbillingsonic00bill + + + + + +JOSH BILLINGS ON ICE, + +And Other Things. + + * * * * * + +_A NEW COMIC WORK_ + +JUST PUBLISHED, UNIFORM WITH THIS VOLUME, ENTITLED + +Josh Billings, His Book. + +WITH TWELVE COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS. + +[Symbol: Asterism] Copies sent by mail free +of postage, on receipt of price, $1.50 by + +G. W. CARLETON & CO., Publishers. +New York. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: Josh Billings visits the new Skating Pond, and witnesses +a rather interesting accident, which he describes as "a living lovely +mass ov disastrous skirt and tapring ankle."--_See page 12._] + + +JOSH BILLINGS ON ICE, + +And Other Things. + +With Comic Illustrations by J. H. Howard. + + + + + + + +NEW YORK: +Carleton, Publisher, Madison Square. +London: S. Low, Son & Co. +M DCCC LXX. + +Entered according to act of Congress in the year 1868, by +G. W. Carleton & Co., +In the Clerk's office of the District Court of the United States, for +the Southern District of New York. + + + + +THIS BOOK + +IZ DEDICATED TO + +AMAZI BARBOUR, + +TEW LIQUIDATE A DET OV $17-50/100 THAT I OWED HIM. + + JOSH BILLINGS. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + PAGE + + I.--JOSH ON ICE 11 + + II.--SUM NATRAL HISTORY 14 + + III.--LIVE YANKEES 20 + + IV.--LINCH PINS 23 + + V.--GOOSE TALK 26 + + VI.--JOSH BILLINGS: HIZ SHADE TREE 28 + + VII.--JOSH CORRESPONDS FREELY WITH 3 FELLOWS 31 + + VIII.--MONOGRAFFS 36 + + IX.--HONESTA IS THE BEST POLICY 39 + + X.--GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT 42 + + XI.--JOSH BILLINGS DEFINES HIS POSITION 46 + + XII.--COLD PIECES 47 + + XIII.--LETTER FROM JOSH BILLINGS 50 + + XIV.--WISDOM CHUNKS 54 + + XV.--BILLIARDS 58 + + XVI.--JOSH BILLINGS "RIZES" 60 + + XVII.--BILLINGS ON PILLS 63 + + XVIII.--JOSH IN SARATOGA 66 + + XIX.--SUM VEGETABLE HISTORY 72 + + XX.--JOSH REPLIES TO CORRESPONDENTS 77 + + XXI.--LIST OF HOUSEN TEW LET 80 + + XXII.--LAUGHING 83 + + XXIII.--LYING 85 + + XXIV.--PERKUSSION CAPS 87 + + XXV.--ONE WEEK FROM MY DIARY 91 + + XXVI.--AMERICAN ARISTOCRACY 94 + + XXVII.--LOVE 96 + + XXVIII.--THE GAME OF YEWKER 98 + + XXIX.--NOW AND THEN 100 + + XXX.--OATS 103 + + XXXI.--WATERFALLS 106 + + XXXII.--POLITENESS 109 + + XXXIII.--DREAMS 111 + + XXXIV.--JOSH CORRESPONDS 113 + + XXXV.--NEWS CUT FROM OUR EXCHANGES 118 + + XXXVI.--DEAD BEATS 122 + + XXXVII.--SPRING--MAY, 1868 125 + +XXXVIII.--HARTES 127 + + XXXIX.--MONOGRAFFS 128 + + XL.--JOSH BILLINGS AND THE LEKTUR COMMITTY 133 + + XLI.--ORPHAN CHILDREN 137 + + XLII.--BILLINGS REPLIZE TEW CORRESPONDENTS 140 + + XLIII.--CHIPS FROM THE BUTT CUT OF WISDUM 143 + + XLIV.--ESSA ON SWINE 146 + + XLV.--ON SEWING MACHINES 148 + + XLVI.--SUM ADVISE 150 + + XLVII.--TAKE IT EASY 153 + + XLVIII.--JOSH CORRESPONDS 155 + + XLIX.--THEM GOOD OLD DAZE 159 + + L.--A HUM TRANSACTION 161 + + LI.--MILK, WHISKEE AND BEER 164 + + LII.--PLUCK 170 + + LIII.--FREE LOVE 171 + + LIV.--FAST MEN 173 + + LV.--JOSH REPLIZE TO ONE OF HIZ CORRESPONDENTS 175 + + LVI.--HUMAN HAPPINESS 177 + + LVII.--PHILOSOPHEE OV THE BILLINGS FAMILEE 180 + + LVIII.--AMERIKANS 183 + + LIX.--JOSH CLEANS OUT HIS PIGEON-HOLE OF CORRESPONDENTS 186 + + LX.--JOSH CHAWS HIS CUD 190 + + LXI.--MONOGRAFFS 193 + + LXII.--JOSH TALKS 198 + + LXIII.--GIMBLETS 203 + + LXIV.--MORE CORRESPONDENTS 205 + + LXV.--SOME NATRAL HISTORY 210 + + LXVI.--SLIVVERS OF THOUGHT 216 + + LXVII.--THE BUZZERS 219 + + LXVIII.--MONOGRAFFS 223 + + LXIX.--PHILOSOPHEE ON THE HALF-SHELL 227 + + LXX.--JOSH EPISTOLATES 229 + + LXXI.--ALMINAK FOR 1869 234 + + LXXII.--SUM NATRAL HISTRY 239 + + LXXIII.--MONOGRAFFS 242 + + LXXIV.--JOSH DOES UP HIS CORRESPONDENTS 247 + + LXXV.--CUPID ON A RAISE 251 + + LXXVI.--JOSH COMMENCES WITH HIS FRIEND 255 + + LXXVII.--JAW BONES 259 + +LXXVIII.--MORE PHILOSOPHY 260 + + + + +I. + +JOSH ON ICE. + + +Having herd mutch sed about skating parks, and the grate amount ov +helth and muscle they woz imparting tew the present generashun at a +slite advanse from fust cost, i bought a ticket and went within the +fense. + +I found the ice in a slippery condishun, covering about 5 akers ov +artyfishall water, which waz owned bi a stock company, and froze tew +order. + +Upon one side ov the pond waz erekted little grosery buildings, where +the wimmin sot on benches while the fellers (kivvered with blushes) +hitched the magick iron tew their feet. + +It waz a most exsiting scene: the sun waz in the skey--and the wind waz +in the air--and the birds were in the South--and the snow waz on the +ground--and the ice lay shivering with a bad kold--and angells (ov both +genders) flucktuated past me pro and con, 2 and fro, here a littl and +thare a good deal. + +It waz a most exsiting scene; I wanted tew holler "Bully" or lay down +and rool over. + +But i kept in, and aked with glory. + +Helth waz piktured on menny a nobell brow. Az the femail angells put +out ov the pond, side by side with the male angells, it waz the most +powerfull scene i ever stood behind. + +The long red tape from their necks swum in the breeze, and the feathers +in their jockeys fluttered in the breeze, and other things (tew muteh +to menshun) fluttered in the breeze. + +I don't think i ever waz more crazy before in mi life--on ice. + +For 2 long hours i stood and gazed with dum exsitement. + +I felt like a kanall hoss turned suddinly out to grass. + +I didn't kno how tew proceed. + +Az one ov the angells, more sudden than all the rest, cum flying down +the trak, 3 lengths ahed ov her male angell, awl eyes ware gorging with +her heavenly bust ov speed; she seemed tew hav cut luce from earth, and +waz bound South, for the Cape ov Good Hope, when awl tew onst, with +gorgous swoop terriffick, down-crumbling into a limpid heap she went +with squeak terriffick, a living lovely mass ov disastrous skirt and +tapring ankle. + +Awl gathered around the bursted angell; but lo! in a minnitt's space, +her wings agin was plumed, and evry feather waz in its lawfal plase; +and on she fled laffing like wine thru its buteous blushes. + +I had saw enuff--more happyness than belonged tew me--and az i sloly +wended back tew mi home at the tavern i felt--good. + + + + +II. + +SUM NATRAL HISTORY. + + +Thare iz no tuition so cheap and so handy az natral history. + +It prevails evrywhare; the cockroach and the behomath are built out ov +it, the lizard and the elephant are full ov it, it is the monkey's +right bower, and the kangaroo's best jump. + +The grass, the dandelion and the spinnage are its children; it is the +language ov creeping things, the majesta ov the mountin, the soul ov +the talking brook, and the inspiration ov the lambkin's tail. + +Natral history iz dogg cheap. + +To open our eyes, and think while we are looking iz aul the capital +necessary for the naturalizing bizzness. + +Who wouldn't be a naturalizer, when natur makes such cheap sacrifices +upon aul her alters, and holds the insense under our very nozes? + +This iz what ails me this morning, tew study the light-hearted +grasshopper, the relentless bed-bugger, and the elastick flea. + +The Bible sez, "The grasshopper is a burden," and i never knu the Bible +tew say anything that warnt so. + +When the grasshop begins tew liv they are verry small, but in a little +while thare gits tew be plenty ov them. + +They only liv one year at once, and then go back, and begin agin. + +Their best gait iz a hop, and with the wind on their quarters they can +make sum good time. + +They are a sure krop to raize, but sum years they raize more than +others. I hav seen sum fields so full ov them that you couldn't stick +another grasshopper in, unless you sharpened him off tew a pint. + +When they git so very plenty, they are very apt tew want tew start, and +then they bekum a traveling famine, and leave the road they take az +barren az the inside ov a country church during a week day. + +Grasshoppers don't seem tew be acktually necesary for our happiness, +but they may be; we don't even know what we want most. + +I don't want grasshops tew giv entirely out, not if they are a +blessing, but i hav thought (to myself) if they would let the grass and +cornstalks be, and pitch onto the burdoks and Canada thissells, i would +bet a few dollars on the thissells, jist tew encourage the fight, and +wouldn't care a cuss if they both got finally licked. + +But mi best judgment would be tew bet on the grasshops. + + * * * * * + +I never see ennybody yet but what despised _Bed Bugs_. They are the +meanest ov aul crawling, creeping, hopping, or biteing things. + +They dassent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak in, after dark, and chaw +him while he iz fast asleep. + +A musketo will fight you in broad dalite, at short range, and giv you a +chance tew knock in hiz sides--the flea iz a game bugg, and will make a +dash at you even in Broadway--but the bed-bugg iz a garroter, who waits +till you strip, and then picks out a mellow place tew eat you. + +If i was ever in the habit ov swearing, i wouldn't hesitate to damn a +bed bugg right tew hiz face. + +Bed bugs are uncommon smart in a _small_ way; one pair ov them will +stock a hair mattrass in 2 weeks, with bugs enuff tew last a small +family a whole year. + +It don't do enny good to pray when bed bugs are in season; the only way +tew git rid ov them iz tew bile up the whole bed in aqua fortis, and +then heave it away and buy a new one. + +Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend to, are about the size +ov a bluejay's eye, and hav a brown complexion, and when they start out +to garrote are az thin az a grease spot, but when they git thru +garroting they are swelled up like a blister. + +It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov them. + +If bed buggs have enny destiny to fill, it must be their stummuks; but +it seems tew me that they must hav bin made by acksident, jist az +slivvers are, tew stick into sumboddy. + +If they waz got up for sum wise purpose, they must hav took the wrong +road, for there kant be enny wisdum in chawing a man aul night long, +and raising a family, besides, tew foller the same trade. + +If thare iz sum wisdum in aul this, I hope the bed buggs will chaw them +folks who kan see it, and leave me be, bekause i am one ov the +hereticks. + + * * * * * + +The smallest animal ov the brute creashun, and the most pesky, iz the +_Flea_. + +They are about the bigness ov an onion seed, and shine like a bran new +shot. + +They spring from low places, and kan spring further and faster than +enny ov the bug-brutes. + +They bite wuss than the musketoze, for they bite on a run; one flea +will go aul over a man's subburbs in 2 minnits, and leave him az +freckled az the meazels. + +It iz impossible to do ennything well with a flea on you, except sware, +and fleas aint afraid ov that; the only way iz tew quit bizzness ov aul +kinds and hunt for the flea, and when you have found him, he ain't +thare. Thiz iz one ov the flea mysterys, the fackulty they hav ov being +entirely lost jist as soon as you hav found them. + +I don't suppose thare iz ever killed, on an average, during enny one +year, more than 16 fleas, in the whole ov the United States ov America, +unless thare iz a cazualty ov sum kind. Once in a while thare iz a dogg +gits drowned sudden, and then thare may be a few fleas lost. + +They are about az hard to kill az a flaxseed iz, and if you don't mash +them up az fine az ground pepper they will start bizzness agin, on a +smaller kapital, jist az pestiverous az ever. + +Thare iz lots ov people who have never seen a flea, and it takes a +pretty smart man tew see one ennyhow; they don't stay long in a place. + +If you ever ketch a flea, kill him before you do ennything else; for if +you put it oph 2 minnits, it may be too late. + +Menny a flea haz past away forever in less than 2 minnits. + + + + +III. + +LIVE YANKEES. + + +Live Yankees are chuck full of karakter and sissing hot with enterprize +and curiosty. + +In bild we find them az lean az a hunter's dorg, with a parched +countenance, reddy for a grin, or for a sorrow; ov elaastick step: +thortful, but not abstrakted; pashunt, bekauze cunnin; ever watchful; +slo to anger; avoiding a fight; but rezolute at bay. + +In dress alwuz slik, but not stuck up; their harness alwuz betrays them +wherever they go. + +The oil ov their langwidge iz their dezire tew pleze, and their greezy +words foreshadder a proffit. + +They are natral mechanicks; the histry ov man's necessitys iz the +histry ov their invenshuns. + +The Live Yankee haz no hum; hiz luv ov invenshun breeds a luv ov +change, and wharever a human trail shows itself we find him pantin on +the trak. + +He never gits sick at the stummuk in a furrin land, or grows +sentermental; the buty ov a river tew him iz its capacity for a +steambote; its sloping banks checker into bildin lots, and its poetry +waters might do the drudgery ov a cottin mill. + +He looks at a marble pyramid, guesses at its height, calkulates the +stone by the perch, and sells the magnifisent relick in Boston at a +proffit. + +He climbs the Alpin hights, crossed by conkerin heroes, and iz struk +with the proprierty ov tunneling it. + +He sits, cross-legged, beneath the sheltring vine and listens to the +oneazy sea, sees the warm promise ov the grape, and forgettin the holy +memrys ov the land ov song, grinds the smilin vintage into wine and +maiks a happy bargin. + +You can meet him in Constanternopel, makin up in grimace what he lacks +in langwidge, spreadin a plaster with hiz tounge, for the man ov +Mahomet. + +Go where you will, from the numb palsied North tew the swetting +limberness ov the South, from the top ov earth's mornin tew half past +eleven at night, and the everlastin Yankee you will find, either +vehement in an argue, or purswazive in a swop. + +Hiz religion iz praktikal; he mourns over the heathen, and iz reddy tew +save them by the job. + +He luvs liberty with a red pepper enthuziasm, and fully beleafs Nu +England kan whip the universe. + +If the phlegmatick Englishman brags about roast beef and hiz ansesters, +Jonathan haz a pumkin pie and a grandpop tew match them. + +If the Frenchman grows crazy over a frigazee ov frog's hind legs, +Jonathan pulls out a donut and a Rhode Island greening. + +If the dusky Italian talks about the mad vomits ov Vgesuvius, Jonathan +turns in the water power ov Niagara. + +In argument alwuz ernest, and in reazoning alwuz specius, this +progressive phenomena tramps the world with the skeleton ov a pattent +right in hiz carpet bag, and, in his ever open hand and face a pleasant +"Heow air yer?" + +If you would save your pride from bein sandpapered, risk it not in a +dicker with Jonathan. + +Hiz razor is the true Damascus, strapped on the wand ov Midas for a +golden harvest; hiz sanctity iz often shrewdness, and hiz sweet savor +iz often the reflekted halo ov the comin shillin. + +Constitushunaly and by edukashun honest, he iz alwuz reddy tew cry for +the deeds dun in the boddy; hiz hospitalitys and charities are +cerimonial dutys, and if hiz religion iz sometimes only the severitys +ov a sabbath, it iz bekauze hiz bias iz the thursting impulse ov a +creatin genius chained tew the more sordid pashun for lucre. + + + + +IV. + +LINCH-PINS. + + +I want to bet 3 Dollars, that no man ever matched himself agin the +Devil, but what he got beat. + +And I want to bet one dollar and seventy-five cents more, that thare is +no villin on airth so grately mean az he who reccommends a vice that he +has too mutch prudence to indulge in himself. + +I hav held, that if a man iz virtuous, he kan't be ignorant; and i +still hold it. + +Aim hi, if you strike low. The man who undertakes tew jump 375 feet +ahed, will sertinly make a good try. + +I never knu a man who was alwus anxious tew repent uv his sins before +he had committed them, who didn't want the sharpest kind ov watching. + +"Don't put oph till to-morrow what kan be did to-day." It is better +even to do a foolish thing at onst, if you have positiffly made up yure +mind to do it. + +I never bet enny stamps on the man who iz always telling what he would +have did if he had bin _thare_; I hav notised that this kind never git +_thare_. + +Faith don't appear to me tew be ennything more than tip top good sense; +all the faith thare is in this world now wont keep a man from falling +to the bottom of a well if he lets go ov the curb to spit on hiz hands. + +When i git to not having enny good luck, it duz seem to me that i kan +hav more ov it than enny man i ever knu, and not half try; i suppose it +seems jist so to you, my friend, don't it? + +I kant think ov enny talent now, that iz so apt to descend from father +to son, untarnished, as the gift ov exaggeration. + +"Thare aint ennything nu under the sun." The old feller in Connekticut, +who carried the same old jack-knife for 43 years, and wore out 9 new +handles, and 12 setts ov blades, sez so. + +Thare aint, after all, but one right way to dew things. I hav seen kows +that you could milk on both sides, but they wan't more than haff broke. + +A man may hav a perfek right to be born single, but I dought whether he +haz a right tew continny on so. + +I take it, that the excellence of human natur consists in lifting the +greatest amount ov sorrow with the least amount ov grin. + +Them who make the most blow, hav the least fragranse--it iz jess so +with the hollerhauk. + +The best edukashun a man receives in this life, he gits just before he +dize, and it mostly consists in forgetting what he haz larnt before. + +The world looks with kold respek upon an ackt ov justiss, but heave up +their hats at a display ov mersy. Yet the one iz the strength ov +virtue, while the other iz most often its gratest weakness. + +A mind that haz more imaginashun than sense iz like a goose--fust rate +tew fli down hill. + +I don't think the world haz enny Civilizashun tew spare, but i think +she haz more than she kan manage well. + +Poetri, tew be excellent, wants tew be like natur, but about 4 times az +big. + + + + +V. + +GOOSE TALK. + + +The goose is a grass-animal but don't chaw her cud. + +They are good livers; about one aker to a goose iz enuff, altho there +iz sum folks who thinks one goose tew 175 akers, is nearer right. + +These two calculations are so fur apart, it iz difficult tew tell now, +which will finally win. + +But i don't think, if i had a farm ov 175 akers, awl paid for, that i +would sell it for half what it was worth, just bekauze it didn't hav +but one goose on it. Geese stay well; sum ov our best biographers say, +70 years, and grow tuff tew the last. + +They lay one egg at once, about the size of a goose egg, in which the +gosling lies hidd. + +The gosling iz the goose's babe. + +The goose don't suckle hiz young, but turns him out tew pasture on +sumboddy's vacant lot. + +They seem tew lack wisdum, but are considered generally sound on the +goose. + +They are good eating, but not good chawing; the reason ov this remains +a profound sekret to this day. + +When the femail goose iz at work hatching, she iz a hard bird tew +pleaze; she riles clear up from the bottom in a minnit, and will fight +a yoke ov oxen, if they show her the least bit ov sass. The geese iz +excellent for feathers, which she sheds every year by the handful. + +They are also amphibicuss, besides several other kinds ov cuss. + +But they are mostly cureiss about one thing: they kan haul one leg up +into their body, and stand on tuther, awl day, and not tutch ennything +with their hands. + +I take notis, thare ain't but darn few men kan dew this. + + + + +VI. + +JOSH BILLINGS: + +HIZ SHADE TREE. + + +Sum fu years ago, when i want so old nor near so hansum az i am now, i +waz a feller citizen in one ov the sudden towns, which during the past +25 years, hav fairly sprung up, az it were, by necromancy, in the +western country. At that time I waz verry ritch and owned a house, and +lot. At one corner, on mi lot, stood, or rather leaned, a tree, az +awkward az a shanghi rusetor; it bent at least 3 different ways, and +its limbs were az sprawling az tho it had bin born in a nort-west +storm. I had sum pride in them days, and longed to put that shade tree +out ov misery. + +The tree was a nondescribe, but seemed tew be a mingling ov the silver +popular, which haz sich uneazy leaves, and a species ov soft maple. I +would hav cut it down if mi heart had bin sharp enuff; but altho i hav +lived on the edge ov the wilderness for more than half ov mi life, i +never yet saw a tree fall before the choppers, but a shudder crept out +ov me, it seemed so mutch like a wanton cruelty. + +But i had manned mi guns fur one thing, and that waz, the tree had got +tew be trimmed. I had four nabors near at hand; two lived upon the same +side ov the street that I did, and the other two didn't. + +They were mi Apollos, and when i wanted enny soothsaying done, i went +tu them. + +I will say one thing for these nabors, they waz always willing tew give +_advice_. + +Accordingly i asked each one ov them, az opportunity offered, how the +tree should be clipped. + +The first one suggested to leave the lower branches intact, and take +oph the head ov the tree, and then it would soon form a cone, compact +and graceful, like an umbreller on duty. + +This plan pleased me, bekauze it had bin mi plan. + +The next one picked out certain limbs, that positively must cum off. + +The third one had hiz noshun, which he knu waz right; and the fourth +one never saw a tree ov that kind trimmed but one way, which he +suggested in sich an unmistakabel manner, that I felt like a pashunt in +the hands ov a root dokter, willing tew take enny thing. + +After fully elaborating each one ov the four diagnosiss ov the kase, i +went tew work like a humbel christshun tew carry the whole ov them out. + +I had no trouble in doing this. But the tree (the Lord watch over mi +poor shade tree!) was nothing but a gaunt stick about 10 feet hi, too +crooked to fall, not a limb nor a leaf on it, and too frightful even +for a hitching post. + +1st Moral--Advice iz good only az corroborating testimony. + +2nd Moral--If yu put yureself into the hands ov yure frends, yu must +expekt that the kindness ov their hearts iz no protekshun aginst the +willfullness ov their judgments. + +3rd Moral--Advice iz like a doktor's pills: it iz often advisabel tew +_receive_ them without _taking_ them. + +4th Moral--One man kan alwus milk a cow better than 4 kan. + + + + +VII. + +JOSH CORRESPONDS FREELY WITH 3 FELLOWS. + + +_Shortfellow._--Yure views are correkt; thare iz no telling what hosses +will trot by looking at them. Lady Thorne and Dexter are no more bilt +alike than the Black Crook and Flying Scud. Neither do i think that +pedigree ever makes a hoss fast enny more than it makes a man smart. +Hambletonian and sum ov the kings ov England hav both sired lunkheads. +If a hoss iz made right, he can proceed fast, i don't kare who made +him. Flying Dutchman lived and died, and left a two-mile heat on the +books that haint bin duplikated yet, and about aul that iz known ov him +iz that he waz got in a brickyard in Pensilvany. Tom Thum went the fust +100 miles in 10 hours that waz ever did, and he had no more pedigree +than a prary dorg, or a Digger injun. Who ever heard ov Flory Temple +having enny pedigree? + +If she ever gits one, it will be like menny ov the epitaffs we read in +the graveyards--courteous libels. + +I hav seen French ponys go on the ice faster than you could telegraff, +bilt like a pumpkin seed, and with a pedigree just about as pure as a +dock rat's. + +Still, if you or i should talk these things among the literati ov the +hoss stabel, we should probably git our front teeth knocked out. If i +waz going tew buy a trottin hoss i would't ask about his pedigree enny +more than i would ask who made a mint julep. If the hoss didn't suit +me, i am dredful sertain the pedigree wouldn't. Old Eclipse never waz +beaten in hiz day, and his full brother wasn't fast enuff for a modern +hearse hoss. + +_Bigfellow._--Trout fishing iz a good deal like painting picktures--you +have got to be born how; you kant learn how. It don't require the +genius ov a statesman tew know how tew ketch a trout; but the two best +trout fishers I ever knu waz Daniel Webster and old Ishmael. Both were +natiffs ov Nu England; one ov them everyboddy iz proud to remember, and +the other waz a simple old nigger; but i think the old dark waz the +best fisher ov the two. + +He would walk up tew a hole in the brook, whare a big trout lay az +careless and yet az still az a hen turkey, and stand thare till the +fish mistook him for the stub ov a tree, then would drop his worm, or +hiz grasshopper, or (if the seazon waz right) would danse hiz flie +above the trout's head so literal that the fish would bite merely from +the force ov habit, whether he waz hungry or not. + +This old Afrikan alwus started out for trout just as a dorg duz for +mischief, the other way from whare he waz going, and never cum back +without a trophy. The best kind of a trout pole for brook-fishing grows +along side ov the brook. They are black alder, and have the same kind +ov a taper that a rat tarrier's tale duz. Twelve foot is long enuff for +the pole, and the brook that don't raize them somewhare on its banks iz +not a good trout stream. But thare aint room enuff in a letter for me +tew talk trout. Go with me sumtime next May among the mountains, and i +will show yu how tew win theze little spotted morsels from their wet +and noisy homes. But--though I like company generally--tew be honest +about it, trout fishing iz a good deal like sparking--one feller at a +time iz enuff. + +_Littlefellow._--Yu tell me in your letter "that musik iz yure +egstatick bliss; that yure soul iz sot tew musick, and feeds on its +gorgous viands." I am glad tew hear yu say so, for now i know yu won't +never du enny big mischief in this world. Ennyboddy who loves musick az +much az yu say you do, don't want enny other kind ov oats. I am +unfortunate in this direkshun. I don't kno one note from another, +unless it iz a bank-note, and i never had enny ear for musick since i +waz a boy. Once in a while, in them daze, the schoolmarm, in lifting me +up off from the bench by the ears tew see how heavy i waz, would start +the musick out of me. I never tended but one gorgous opera in my life, +and it won't never be convenient for me tew tend another. A forrin +woman sung sum ov the "gorgous viands" yu speak ov. She was very fat +herself, and want very thoroughly drest about the neck and naber hood. +She threw her head back like a sled runner, and yelled az tho she had a +rat on her. I expekted every minnit tew see her arrested for breaking +the piece. I suppose if i had the right kind ov taste for gorgous +vittles, this kind ov musick would eat me good. I heard a milkmaid once +sing, in a cow-yard, as she sot by the side ov a heifer just as the sun +waz setting. It waz a love story song. Perhaps there was no gorge in +it; but there waz sumthing in it that made me feel sorry aul over. This +iz aul i kno about musick. I could listen aul day tew that kind ov soft +sadness she sung about, and feel lonesum and lonesummer aul the time. + + + + +VIII. + +MONOGRAFFS. + + +The _Jealous Man_ iz alwus a-hunting. + +He is alwus a-hunting for sumthing that he don't expeckt tew find, and +after he haz found it then he iz mad bekauze he haz. + +Theze fellers don't beleaf in spooks, and yet they are about the only +folks who ever see enny. A jealous man iz alwus happy, jist in +perposhun az he iz mizerable. + +Jelosy iz a disseaze, and it iz a good deal like sea sickness--dreadful +sick, and kan't vomit. + +The _Anonymous Man_ boards at a red tavern, and pays for hiz board bi +tending bar occasionly. He hain't got any more karakter than the jack +ov spades haz, when it ain't trumps. + +He iz a loafer bi profession, without enny vices. + +He rides on the box, once in a while, with the driver, and noboddy +thinks ov asking him for hiz stage fare. + +He iz az useless az an extra pump would be in the desert ov Sarah. + +He sprung from a respektable family; his great grandfather woz a +justiss ov the peace; but he has not got vanity enuff tew brag on it. + +He ain't necessarily a phool, enny more than a bull's eye watch iz; if +enny boddy will wind him up, he will sett still, and run quietly down. + +The _Stiff Man_ looks down, when he walks, upon folks. He don't seem +tew hav but one limber jinte in him, and that iz lokated in hiz noze. + +He is a kind of maskuline turkey, on parade in a barn-yard. + +He iz generally loaded with wisdum clear up tew the muzzell, and when +he goes oph, makes a noize like a cannon, but don't dew enny dammage. + +I hav seen him fire into a crowd, and miss evry man. + +This kind ov _stiff man_ iz verry handy tew flatter. They seem tew know +they ain't entitled tu a good artikle, and, tharefore, are satisfied +with hard soap. + +Thare ain't but fu men who git stiff on what they acktually know, but +most aul ov them git stiff on what they acktually feel. + +Stiff men are called aristokrats, but this ain't so. Thare ain't no +such thing as aristokrats in this country. + +The country ain't long enuff yet, unless a man haz got sum Indian in +him. + +Az a gen'ral thing, stiff men git mad dredful eazy, and have tew git +over it dredful eazy, bekauze folks ain't apt tew git a big skare at +what they ain't afraid ov. + +_Stiff man_ had a grandfather once, who went tew Congress from our +distrikt, and thare ain't one in the whole family that hav been able +tew git limber sinse. + +The _Model Man_ never disturbs a hen when she iz setting; never speaks +cross tew a lost dogg; always puts a five cent shinplaster in hiz vest +pockett late Saturday night, tew hav it ready Sunday morning for the +church platter; rizes whenever a lady enters the street kars; remembers +your uncle plainly, and asks after all the family. If he steps on a +kat's tail, is sure to do it light, and immegiately asks her pardon; +reads the PHUNNY PHELLOW, and laffs bekause he kan't help it; hooks up +hiz wife's dress, and plays hoss with the children. Never meddles with +the cream on the milk-pans; goes eazily of errands and cums back in +seazon; attends every boddy's phuneral; kan always tell when the moon +changes; thinks just az yu do, or the other way if you want him to; +follows evry boddy's advice but hiz own; praktices most ov the virtews +without knowing it; leads the life ov a shorn lamb; gits sick after a +while, and dies az soon az he kan, tew save making enny further +trubble. + +The model man's vices are not feared, nor hiz virtews respekted. He +lives in the memory of the world just about az long az a pleasant day +duz. + +He may be called a "clever feller," and that iz only a libel; but he +will git hiz reward herafter--when the birds get theirs. + + + + +IX. + +HONESTA IZ THE BEST POLISY. + + +The author ov this proverb waz either a very shrude man, or he +acksidentily spoke what he didn't think. + +Honesta iz, in mi opinyun, a mere matter ov polisy. + +Man iz, waz, and alwus will be, a dishonest critter by natur. + +It iz az natral for him tew steal when he wants tew, az it iz tew blo +hiz noze. + +In order tew git sosiety into decent shape, so that the masheen could +be run without a continual bust, it waz absolutely necessary that man +should make himself honest. + +If that hadn't hav bin did, it wouldn't hav bin safe tew leave a +saw-mill out of doors after dark. Hence honesta bekum a matter ov +polisy, and it works well. + +The fear ov the law here, and the law hereafter, haz furnished us sum +very clever specimens of Christianity. + +Serpoze thare waz no law agin 2 wives, how menny men iz thare in yure +naberhood, that wouldn't sustain the law? + +I hav thought that aul the virtues, and aul the affekskuns, (except the +few which are instinkts, and which we and the dogs have just about +alike,) are mere opprashuns of polisy. + +Ov course the virtews improve by hoeing, and mankind haz bekum better, +just az they hav bekum richer, by keeping their munny and morals at 10 +per cent. interest. + +Menny folks are down on luxurys, and plum puddin, but i aint; the more +puddin folks hav, the more they will develop. + +Stop the hanker in human natur for any more plum puddin, and nu +bonnets, and in about 450 years, men and wimmin would all go tew grass, +az Nebucunesser did. + +Once more, honesta and virtew, in the lump, are not natral, but matters +ov polisy; i may be wrong about this, but if i am, enny boddy else kan +git wrong the same way i hav, by asking himself about hiz own human +natur. + +Human natur iz the same aul over north amerika, except in those places +whare they subsist by playing poker, and thare it depends a good deal +upon the number of aces in a pack; i hav seen sum packs that had 9 aces +in them, upon the principle that 5 aces will beat 4 aces and a king. + + + + +X. + +GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT. + +AT BILLINGSVILLE. + +_Oct. 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, & 20th._ + +JOSH BILLINGS, REPORTER. + + +Agrikultur iz the mother ov provisions; she iz also the grandmother. + +If it want for agricultur, thare wouldn't be enny beans, and if it want +for enny beans, thare wouldn't be enny suckertash. + +Agrikultur waz fust diskovered by Cain, and has been diskovered since +to be an honest way to get a hard living. + +Pumpkins owes aul her success tew agrikultur, so duz lettis, and +bukwheat. + +The Billingsville agrikultural society opened Oct. ten, and waz a +powerful success. + +The reciepts ov the Agrikultural Fair waz upwards ov $30,000 (if mi +memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.) + +The Hon. Virgil Bickerstaff, the next agrikultural member ov Congress +from our district, sold the agrikultur pools. + + +FUST DAY. + +A puss ov ten dollars was trotted for by sucking colts, that had never +trotted before for munny. + +Thare waz thirteen entries. + +Thare waz 60,000 people on the track to witness the rase, (if mi memry +serves me rite, and i think she duz.) + +The puss was won amid vociferous exclamashuns by a red colt, and the +waving ov handkerchiefs, with a strip in his face, and the fainting ov +several fust-class females, and one white foot behind. + + +SEKOND DAY. + +It rained like a perpendikular aul day, and no trotting could be had, +so the audience aul went hum, cussing and swaring, and offering tew bet +four tew six on the Pete Tucker colt. + + +THIRD DAY. + +The sun highsted up in the east more butyfuller than i ever saw her +before, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she does.) + +It waz a fust rate day for agrikultur, or enny other man. + +A puss ov 30 dollars waz trotted for, by sum 2 year old colts. + +This rase did not attract much affection, on account ov the time being +so slow. + +Time, 2 minnits and 38 seconds. + + +FOURTH DAY. + +This waz fur 3 or 4 years old, who hadn't never beat 2.25. + +Thare waz 26 entrys; they couldn't aul trot tew once, so they took +turns. + +This rase waz won after a bitter contest, by Pete Tucker's colt. + +He waz immediately offered a thousand dollars and a fust-rate farm, +well-stocked, for the colt, by three different agrikultural men, but +with a grate deal ov indignant good sense, he skorned to stoop so low. + +Pete Tucker, and his whole family, are aul hoss. + + +FIFTH DAY. + +It rained agin like thunder and lightning, and the day waz spent in +betting on the weight ov hosses. + +Sevral good hoss-swops waz also did. + +One man swopped two hosses fur one; this struck me as a devilish good +thing, but everyboddy else said it waz soft. + +At the end ov the fifth day i cum away. + +I got so full ov hoss, that ever since when i laff i kant keep from +whinnering. + +The fare waz kept up for 10 daze, and sum red hot time waz made. + +I think 2 minnits and 10 sekunds waz made, (if my memry serves me rite, +and i think she duz.) + +I forgot tew say that thare was two yoke ov oxens on the ground, beside +sevral yokes ov sheep and a pile ov carrots, and some worsted work, but +they didn't seem to attrakt enny simpathy. + +The people hanker fur pure agrikultural hoss-trots. + + + + +XI. + +JOSH BILLINGS DEFINES HIS POSITION. + + +DEAR WORLD:-- + +I got yure letter by acksident, and reply verry mutch az follers: + +I am a black Republican, with white antycedents. + +I alwus waz agin slavery ov enny kind; not bekause it was +constitutional, but bekause it waz ungodly. + +I don't beleave the best judges ov color kan pick out a negro's soul in +the Kingdom ov Heaven. + +I believe in the doktrine ov secession--if i don't like my home, and am +21, i have a rite tew go oph, but i haint got enny rite tew take the +old man's farm or hiz tin-ware with me. + +I am in favor ov being made Post-master in our city, but i am about the +only man that iz, which speaks well for the disinterestedness ov our +citizens. + +I am also in favor ov short stories, when a man haint got mutch tew +say. + +Yours, tenderly, + +JOSH BILLINGS. + + + + +XII. + +COLD PIECES. + + +It don't appear tew me that envy kan pay well, for those whom we envy +most are alwus envying somebody else. + +Hope often cheats us, but yet how eazy it is tew forgiv the sassy jade. + +Men ov talents kan be criticised, but a genius kant,--criticism is a +mere string and plummet,--the eagle roosts too hi for tape lines. + +Mi idee ov fust-rate poetry iz that kind that reads just exactly az I +should have wrote it. + +Yu kant phool a wise man with praise that aint true. + +Persekution will make even kanada thissells grow. + +If you trade with a Yankee, steal hiz jack-knife fust; for if he gits +tew whitling, yu are gone in spite of thunder. + +Passion makes more mistakes than ignorance duz. + +Fools don't kno their strength; if they did, they would keep still. + +Buty iz a dangerous gift; for it is seldum accompanied with much +virtue, energy, or wisdum. + +Most ennyboddy kan slide down hill: thare iz only now and then one who +can slide up hill. + +A man may be a very good judge ov a county court, and yet be a very +poor judge ov himself. + +What a cumfort it iz tew be pittyed by a 200-thousand-dollar friend! +tew be told that better daze are coming! that perseverance will overkum +all obstakles! such a warm friend iz just about az much use to you az a +painted sun, on a garden wall, would be to ripen sass with, in a cloudy +day. + +One ov mi ideas ov a perfect gentleman iz, the man who is eazy to +please. + +I kno ov no love, that is so much love, and nothing else, az the love +ov a father for a daughter. + +I love the old primeval forests. I love them bekause they kant be cut +up tew enny advantage into village lots. + +I hav got a dreadful poor memory, and think I aint sorry for it, for mi +experiences in life, thus far have 2 thirds ov them been more pleasant +tew forgit than tew remember. + +Tru happiness seems tew consist in wanting awl that we kan enjoy, and +then gitting awl we want. + +I don't belief in total abstinence, enny more than I belief in total +blindness, but I do belief in the reasonable gratification ov awl the +desires that God haz given us. + +Politeness iz dreadful simple if yu take the ceremony out ov it, but, +in sifting out the ceremony, yu will often sift out the politeness. + +The most selfish persons I hav ever known hav been those who are alwus +professing grate luv for others. + +Prudery iz virtue, always willing to be tempted. + +Thare iz nothing that will hu a man tew a sharp point like +adversity,--adversity iz the hunger ov the soul. + +Gold iz the standard ov value, but wisdum iz the standard ov +perfekshun; united, they are the standard-bearers ov the world. + + + + +XIII. + +LETTER FROM JOSH BILLINGS. + + +MY DEAR PRESS: + +Yu ask me "how i like the lekturing bizzness," and "what success i hav +met with," and "what iz the tru natur ov the lektur i hav bin +dispensing?" + +Briefly thus i reply: + +Two years ago I jined the band ov lekturin marters, and hav +"tramp'd--tramp'd!" ever sinse, and az near az i kan rekolekt now, i +think i kant tell. + +Mi lektur iz an attempt tew be comick. + +Humor iz hybrid, and iz a nice cross between sense and nonsense. + +I don't think it haz ever bin well defined: it iz like the smell ov a +flower, hard tew diskribe. + +Thare iz just about az mutch real humor in the best ov geniuses az +thare iz juise in a lemmon: one good squeeze takes it out, and thare iz +nothing but seeds and skin left. + +It soon bekums hackney'd, and its authors live prekariously for about 3 +years on the fust 6 months ov their reputashun, and then go in their +holes and only cum out onst in a while to sun themselfs and be stupid. + +I hav known men tew tell 4 good storys, and then spile them awl bi +telling one poor one. + +Thare iz nothing the world iz so slow to applaud az success, and +nothing they are so smart at diskovering az a failure. + +Mutch ov a humorist's success depends upon the physick ov hiz aujence: +a man who haz the dispepshee fust rate laffs under protest, but if hiz +dinner rides easy you kan tickle him with a skoop-shovel. + +Humor sometimes lurks in the way a thing iz ced, and i hav seen men who +earned their fun in the wrinkles ov their face. + +Nonsense ain't humor, it iz only a jest. + +Humor must hav sum truth in it, and a good deal don't hurt it. + +I have seen a fust rait story spilte in being told, and i hav seen a +poor story so well told, that if the man had applied for it he could +hav had it pattented and no questions asked. + +If an aujence refuse tew be tickled, yu might az well talk tew a +grave-yard in the ded ov winter; but if yu git them onst mellow yu kan +then stick yure thum into them anywhare. + +But mi opinyun now iz that thare ain't no rule for success with a +comick lektur. + +A cold-blooded philosphick lektur is just az eazy az turning a +grinstone: the aujence are obliged tew hold their hatchets on, and they +are sure tew git ground out after a while: but you kant tell a man when +tew laff; he knows what pleazes him, just az well az he knows what eats +good; yu kant play a burnt slapjack, nor one that ain't well dun, onto +him. + +Thar ain't nothing more straining tew a humorist than tew have tew stop +and explane a joke. + +I hav just got hum from Boston: i put 2 spokes into the hub at Tremont +Temple the two fust nights in Febuary: I lektured 15 nights in +Massachewsetts. + +I don't kno whether it waz a success or not: awl i kno iz i felt good +myself. + +Humurous lekturs, without the aid ov canvass or pantomime, are tuff tew +do. + +I think now i shall either git up a philosophicall lektur on the culler +ov the Red Sea, or the hump ov the cammel's back, or quit lekturing. + +I kan steal a good philosophicall lektur out ov sum library; but these +cussed humurous lekturs hav so mutch original in them (or ought to hav) +that yu kant kalkulate on them for certain--they are like twins, they +kant be had nor they kant be stopped. + +Upon the whole, az near az i kan guess, mi opinyun iz that humor iz a +natral dissease, that a man kant ketch nor kant giv tew ennyboddy else. + + + + +XIV. + +WISDUM CHUNCKS. + + +The best time ov the moon to plant beans iz when--the grownd iz aul +rite. + +Slovens are always the fust tew caul our attenshun tew their +slovenness, by their exkewses for it. + +Don't tawk so mutch, my friend! Yu don't kno but little, and ort tew be +saving ov it. + +Book critiks shood be treeted az the farmers do their swine--rung, and +then turned out to critysize. + +The man with little branes, and the man with little ammunishun, shood +hunt alike; they shood take ame a good while, and then always shut, +into a flock. Avoyd single burds. + +Deer reeder, don't find fawlt with an awthur who makes yu laff; it is +no more an evidence of weekness to laff than it iz ov strength tew look +mad. + +Menny ov the enormittys ov life have bin committed in the name ov +religun--enormittys that make h--l blossom like the rose. + +Bewty never dies; it iz like truth; they both hav an immortality +sumwhare. + +I hav got a fust rate opinyun ov resignashun, but i don't think enny +man iz in dewty bound to thank the Lord every time sum careless cuss +steps on hiz soar tow. + +We hear a grate deel about progresshun, and the importunse ov it, but i +am just big phool enuff to think that 8 or 10 ov the new things are +either false, or are old things spiled bi altering. + +What mankind stand most in need ov, just now, is simplissity. + +Men judge each other bi their suksess, not bi their undertakings; but +the Lord judges bi the undertaking, not bi the suksess. + +Thare iz a grate deel more timidity among men than thare iz temerity; +one iz the attribute ov littleness, and the other ov grateness. + +The best kind ov purfewm for the person, that i know ov, iz cleenness. + +Truth iz radicul; fickshun iz consurvativ. + +What a man must hav, he kan most ginnerally git. + +Thare iz no such thing az clozing our ize to the fakt that tilting +skirts enable us to see a good deel more ov fashunable sosiety. + +Sudden ritches don't often improve ennybody. + +Vertchew walks without help, but vice goes on crutches. + +Thare iz one advantage in being poor: thare ain't no danger ov +mistaking flattery for praze. + +Bobtaled peekox don't travel mutch on their pride. + +Take the axidents out ov this life, and how menny men iz thare who wood +sukseed or fale? + +Friendship iz a mirror which we hold up tew uthers, tew see ourselfs +in. + +Deep thinkers laff with their mowth. + +A man iz a phool just in proporshun az he iz known better bi sumboddy +else than he knows himself. + +Novelty iz a good deel like a kitten's tale, soon played out. + +The world owes most ov its refinement tu 2 verry difrunt things--the +Bible, and the looking-glass. + +Trew critysism consists in giving a man credit for the good things he +sez, and not cussin him for the good things he don't say. + + + + +XV. + +BILLIARDS. + + +Evryboddy seems tew be gitting crazy over a new game, which haz jist +bin diskovered, called billyards. + +It iz played on the top ov a tabel which iz a little longer than it iz +square, and the game seems tew konsist in pushing sum round red bawls +agin sum round white bawls, until they drop into sum little pudding +bags which are hung unto the outside ov the tabel. + +It takes 2 men tew play the game, but 4 or 5 can look on. + +They take oph their coats, and stand clus up to the tabel, with a short +piece ov a fishpole in their hands, which has a chalk mark onto the end +ov it. + +Then one begins, by giving one ov the bawls a punch in the belly, which +sends it agin the next one's belly, and so on, till the other fellow's +turn fur punching comes on. + +But yu ought tew see the game; it kant be delineated bi words. + +One feller generally beats the other feller, and then he pays the +landlord ov the consarn 25 cents fur the privilege ov gitting beat, and +buys sum gin, with lemonade in it, and aul hands drink. + +Then 2 more takes holt ov the fishpoles, and they punch fur a spell, +and so it goes on till 2 o'clock in the morning; then each goes hum, +having enjoyed fine exercise, a little drunk perhaps; but the muscles +in their breast are so expanded that they can't ketch the consumption +nor the smaul pox. + +_This iz billyards._ + + + + +XVI. + +JOSH BILLINGS "RIZES." + + +GENTLEMEN AND MISTER CHAIRMAN:-- + +I rise with grate diffidence fur the fust time in mi life, tew address +an impromptew assemblage. What i can say iz instant, and i kant alter +it; i kant sit doun, or stand up, and studdy a thing out, enny more +than i kan sit doun and think how tew lift a ton. We have met here just +fur fun; and i beleaf that aul things, including truth, hav a fun +redikilous side tew them, and i fully beleaf, that while Satan, with +consumate skill, fills hiz ranks bi the arts ov seduction, virtue +should resort tew the same means. I beleaf in sugar-coated pills, and i +beleaf that virtue and wisdom kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a +good natured proverb, better and deeper than to be morticed into it +with a wormwood mallet and chisel. We hav met tew celebrate the +birth-day ov a Sunday newspaper; the child iz a year old and iz growing +nicely. Sum people doubt the propriety ov Sunday newspapers; they seem +tew think that the Sabbath waz made only fur the acts ov sectarian +worship, but i beleaf that religion was never designed az a bizness, +but only tew regulate and correct bizzness with,--I should az soon +think ov tunelling Hoosick Mounting bi prayer,--when a people devote +aul their time tew religion, superstition and bigotry are sure tew +prevale. + +[Illustration: Josh Billings makes a few miscellaneous remarks about +"virtew and wisdom," before a literary association of the citizens of a +neighboring town.--_See page 60._] + +Man iz the only thing created with power tew laff; birds and flowers +can almost dew it, and dogs would like tew. Mules smile with their +heels. + +Fun waz made fur the million, ethicks fur the few, and the man who kan +invent a generous and healthy sauce tew enliven a dish ov biled greens +with, iz a Christian. Fun may never have furnished a splendid dinner, +but it has helped swaller menny a poor one. + +"Six days shalt thou laber, and on the seventh rest,"--thare iz no +laber in fun, and a Sunday newspaper does aul its work on Saturday. + +I had rather tend one wedding than a dozen funerals; and a birth, even +if it aint ennything more than the hatching ov a duck's eg, iz alwus +another suckcess. + +Life iz short, and that iz one grate reason whi it ought alwus tew be +cheerful, and i fully beleaf, that when Gabrel blows hiz horn, the +first ones that will rise, will ware a smile on their faces. + +Judas betrayed with a laff, and a kiss, but the fun ov the thing waz, +he went oph and hung hisself. + +He that kant laff iz tew be pityed, and him that wont laff iz tew be +feared. + +I am clean thru. This iz my maiden speech, and i will bet 10 dollars +that i won't never run the risk ov doing it agin. Adew. + + + + +XVII. + +BILLINGS ON PILLS. + + +P'OKEEPSIE, Jan. 1st, 1867. + +DEAR DOKTER BONESETT: + +Thru the politeness ov Mr. John Smith, i cum in possession ov yure +valuabel letter, at about 9 o'clock night before last, in which yu +offer me 10 dollars for a poultiss. + +I hay had a fair chance to use yure pills upon several important +occasions, and can sware posatively that they kan beat enny pills ov +their size i ever contended with. + +Underneath this letter yu will find a poultiss which i think will draw. + +If yu see fit to use it, yu kan emit the 10 dollars by mail, at our +risk. + +In the mean time, bet freely than i am yure humble servant, + +JOSH BILLINGS. + + * * * * * + +POULTISS. + +Barnabass Bonesett, M.D., (mutch dokter,) chuck full ov faith, bloze +his horn, and bi these presents duz blo hiz horn about hiz "Lightning +Express and Serio-Sensation pills" a cumfert and a joy to man. + +Theze pills are of rutes--rutey, and kost the Author 4 years in the +wilderness, besides sleepless nights, and anxious days, tew git them +down to a spot, without blemish and filled with fun. + +These pills will kure deffness, dipthery and dandruff--are good +for baldness, bronkreeters and baksliding--are sertin tew heal +hedake, hifalutin, and hangnails--will remove warts, windgauls and +wens--destroy awl longings, lassitudes, laziness--will soothe the +sorrowful, cam the crazy, and kure a common sized fit in 2 minnits. + +They are closs packed in little round boxes, and each little box +kontains 2 dozen and 2, or no sail. + +Each box iz dun up in a trakt, which sez that they are az sure to cure, +az lightning iz tew strike what it starts for. + +On the top ov the box iz a full sized painting ov the Author, with a +grub hoe in one hand, and a whole parsell ov roots in the other--with a +napsack on hiz back, and mountains in the distance, tew which he iz +pinting with the grub hoe--them iz the mountains whare he gits the +rutes. + +On the top ov each little round box, iz these words, in a forrin tung, +"_Hocus pocus, quod constallus_," which being biled down means, +"_purely vegetabels_." + +For sum more partikulars, cummune with the author. + +(Signed) BARNABASS BONESETT, M.D. + + + + +XVIII. + +JOSH IN SARATOGA. + + +SARATOGA, _Sept. 8, 1867_. + +DEAR WEEKLY:--Don't think I am going to ruin, don't think i am totaly +spilte, bekauze yu happen to hear from me at this grate drinking place. +I am here on urgent and melankolly bizzness, looking for mi +Newfoundland pup, not quite 5 months old yet, that I lost lately. + +Saratogy never appeared tew me so free from _white swellings_ az it duz +now. I haint seen a dozen people ov the ballon purswashion, but almost +evry one i meets ackts just az tho they had sum good common sense, and +had brought enuff along with them to last while they staid. + +Shoddy & Petroleus hav gone tew Europe, to astonish Paris with their +paste diamonds and fire gilt familys. + +Thare is about 4 thousand strangers here just now, and the liberal way +that they invest in the katharticks ov the situation iz suggestive. + +Yesterday i saw a bride and her new feller at Congress Spring. She waz +a rosy and a roomy bride. He waz bilt to run in shallow water, rather a +light draft chap, i thought; but he took 9 consekutiff glasses without +flinching, and, i think, would have held one more. + +He looked a hundred pounds bigger. I waz filled with horror at the +sight, but soon had aul mi fears soothed, when i saw almost everybody +present wash themsels internally with five or six tumblers full ov this +liquid salts and perilash. + +Congress Hall iz being rebuilt with bricks on the old ground, and iz at +least 15 rods front on Broadway, with 2 wings az menny rods deep, and +will cost 400 thousand dollars, and will feed, sleep, and physick one +thousand festive sons and daughters at onst. + +Evry house here, except the churches, iz a boarding house; aul the +femail seminiaries, and akademys of the arts and sciences, fill up +their summer vakations with spring-water pupils. + +The great tiger ov the place iz the hi rock spring; this now flows over +its conical summit, something that it haz not done before for 300 +years, and besides being a good artickle ov physick, is probably the +greatest natral curiousness this side ov the temple of Solomon, his 500 +wives and 300 good-looking collaterals inkluded. + +Take the kathartics out ov Saratogy, and thare wouldn't be ennything +left ov deep interest, but a pale yeller, sandy sile, that haint got +moral strength enuff in it tew hold a fense-post up straight, unless +the hole waz well manured first. + +But, with some 10 or 15 ov theze mineral springs that will kure +ennything, from a broken heart tew the spring halt--water the most +sparkling--water that biles and bubbles, without money, and without +even stamps, and has biled ever since Cain waz a babe--I say, with such +a legacy, Saratogy iz today the surest place on the breast ov the earth +to git a good loose drink. + +My stay here will necessarily be small; i kant git no track ov mi +Newfoundland pup, with one white foot and a star in his forehead; and +bizzness before drinking being one ov mi best holts, i shall leave here +before long for Montreal or Saint Lewis, in search ov the dogg. + +The annual races passed oph with the usual amount ov burglarys, and +pocket-book thieveries, but I was told yesterday, by one ov the first +citizens, that yu kan leave a roll ov bank bills (since the races) +lying on the sidewalk, and noboddy would pick it up for the fust two +days. + +I haven't tried this myself, nor don't intend to, for fear thare might +be just one slippery cuss left in the place, and one man could raize up +a rowl ov bills for me, just as eazy az 40 could. + +I havn't got munny, nor grit enuff, to indulge in sich moral +experiments. + +The ground, whare the old United States Hotel stood, remains kivered +with the debris ov that melankolly and hot fire, which reduced tew +ashes and old bricks, the most popular and fashionable dry goods +emporium in the universe ov America. + +I have it from _Jenkins_, (who is here now gitting himself pliable,) +that az soon az one or two objectionable partners can be smoked out ov +the ring, then the balance ov them will build on the grounds a hotel +that will make--Rome howl. + +The Union and the Clarendon are the two champions now, and both ov them +hav a full stummuk ov clean looking, and very decent ackting +passengers. + +Thare iz sum very elaborate rigs here; one that I saw yesterday waz +quite "_uneak_." (I don't know whether this word iz just the thing tew +use in this spot, but it sounds big, and strange, and that iz awl that +I care for.) + +The rig consisted ov a yello buggy, with a black bugger driving, +clothed in drab broadcloth, with bras buttons, and cockade on a plug +hat with a velvet belly band around it, and salmon colored gloves, and +a 10 foot whip-stork, with a spotted dogg under the front axletree, and +3 hosses in injun file, two blacks, and the one on the lead the color +ov cream. + +_Jenkins_ told me, that they were the only shoddy team here, and +belonged tew a young fellow from Melankton 4 corners, in the state ov +Conneckticut, whose father has raked in 2 millions, by making beeswax +out ov a very little mutton tallow, and a good deal ov injun meal. + +But it won't do to believe awl that _Jenkins_ sez; he has lied so +consekutive for the last 15 years, that hiz front teeth hav awl decayed +out. + +One ov the perennial feeters ov Sarotogy, iz a drove ov tame injuns, +with their squaws, and young porpoises, who cum here each drinking +season, from the outlines ov Kanada, laiden with braided baskets, bags +ov beads, and harmless bows and arrows. + +Theze people might hav bin good injuns onst, but each successive +porpoise grows paler, and meaner, and if it want for their nastyness, +there aint 3 boarding-school misses in the whole land, with poetry +enuff in their bild tew call them "the noble red men ov the forest." + +The fact ov it iz, thare iz more truth than poetry in injuns, and the +_truth_ iz, that keyenne whiskey, and other kinds ov civilization, has +outflanked them. + +It requires a grate deal ov good sense tew stand whiskey and +civilization. + +A wild injun iz a most magnificent cuss without doubt, but a tame +injun, one with more milk than molasses in hiz face, iz almost az near +good for nothing, az a counterfit bill, on the bank ov Newfoundland. + +Injuns, tew be good and profitable, must live at least 2 thousand miles +from ennyboddy else, and always stay at home, and never see a +missionary. + +P.S.--I hav just this minnit received a dispatch that thare iz one more +nufoundland pupp in Freehold, New Jersey, this morning than thare waz +yesterday at this time, with a fu white hairs on the end ov his tail. + +I shall start immegiately, and if i kan only rescue mi pup before he +gits contaminated, I shall be az proud az a rooster. In haste, good +bye. + +JOSH BILLINGS. + + + + +XIX. + +SUM VEGETABEL HISTORY. + + +The strawberry is one ov natur's sweet pets. + +She makes them worth fifty cents, the fust she makes, and never allows +them tew be sold at a mean price. + +The culler ov the strawberry iz like the setting sun under a thin +cloud, with a delicate dash of the rain bo in it; its fragrance iz like +the breath ov a baby, when it fust begins tew eat wintergreen +lossingers; its flavor is like the nektar which an old-fashioned +goddess used tew leave in the bottom ov her tumbler, when Jupiter stood +treat on Mount Ida. + +There iz menny breeds ov this delightful vegetable, but not a mean one +in the whole lot. + +I think i have stole them, laying around loose, without enny pedigree, +in sumboddy's tall grass, when I waz a lazy schoolboy, that eat dredful +easy, without enny white sugar on them, and even a bug occasionally +mixed with them in the hurry of the moment. Cherrys are good, but they +are too mutch like sucking a marble, with a handle tew it. Peaches are +good, if yu don't git enny ov the pin-feathers into yure lips. +Watermelons will suit ennyboddy who iz satisfied with half-sweetened +drink; but the man who can eat strawberrys, besprinkled with crushed +shuggar, and besmattered with sweet cream (at sumboddy else's expense), +and not lay hiz hand on hiz stummuk, and thank the author ov +strawberrys and stummuks, and the phellow who pays for the strawberrys, +iz a man with a worn-out conscience--a man whose mouth tastes like a +hole in the ground, that don't care what goes down it. + + * * * * * + +Kokernuts grow up in the air, in a hot climate way over the ocean, +about 80 feet from the ground--on the top ov a tree. + +They are generally picked bi the monkeys in that naborhood, who throw +them at the natives, in exchange for the stones that the natives heave +at the monkeys. + +They grow az a negro's head duz, with a good deal ov skull tew them. + +A kokernut, after it haz bin scalpt, resembles an old ten pin ball, +only a little more round one way than tuther. + +On the end ov the nut toward you iz 2 eyes, fast asleep. The kokernut +iz opened bi breaking the skull and this brings them tew their milk. + +The milk in the kokernut haz never bin explained yet, and the reazon +iz, becauze noboddy has ever asked me tew do it. + +Whenever the philosophers "giv it up," i shall reply tew the konundrum. + +Az an artikle ov diet, the koker iz about on a level with the french +raw turnip, and iz az hard tew digest az one ov Secretary Seward's +letters ov State. + +Biled koker might possibly be good, if it warnt a grate deal better +when it waz raw; and raw kokernuts iz only good for children and young +greyhounds tew eat, whose stummuks are like a nutmeg grater. + +The only real good thing about this forrin nut iz its skull; they kan +be cut into 2, and made into drinking kups, and i must konfess, they do +look kind, when laid on a clean flatt stun in the side ov a meadow +spring; but i kant drink out ov them myself, without thinking that if +they hadn't been cut in 2, what a kapital thing they would be tew bild +a young darkey to. + +But this iz only a phoolish noshun ov mine, and probably it couldn't be +did enny how. + + * * * * * + +It iz now about 8 or eleven years, since folks begun tew hanker after +the Tomater. About that time, sum doktor ov pills, dissekted one ov +theze vagrant vegetabels, and diskovered sum doktor stuff in them. + +Az soon az folks found out they waz fisick, they begun tew be verry +sweet on the tomater. + +At that time they waz in the habit ov growing in sly places, whare they +want afraid, over behind stone walls, amung broken jugs, ded kats, and +old injun-rubber boots, for peopel wouldn't let them grow in gardins +enny more than they would a kanaday thissell. + +They were vagabond weeds, and even a woods hogg wouldn't eat one ov the +berrys that grew on them, enny quicker than he would a bawl ov red +stocking yarn. + +But it waz decided that there waz sum pills in them, and they were putt +tu nuss, in pots, and vases, and lived on the phatt ov the land, in +hott houses, along side ov tiger lilys, and rozes ov Sharon. + +It took most folks about 18 months ov perseverance and sea sickness, +tew git the tomater to go quietly down, and now, from a vile weed, more +smelly than a deseased klam, the tomatow haz actually got to be more +honorabel than a bukwheat slapjack, or even a punkin pie. + +This shows what love and affekshun will do. + +I haven't enny doubt that if Professor Ratsbane would say +profeshionally, that wasps nests waz good to make a mustash grow black, +half the men in the kuntry would git a wasp and go into the nest +bizzness. + +I don't beleave a tomater will keep a man enny more helthy than red +clover will, but i am just like evry body else, i wanted tew git sum +better than i waz, and i went to skool to the tomato, and have got +learnt how tew eat them, if they are filled with salt and pepper, and +soaked well in good sider vinegar. + +I hav seen folks pick them oph from the vines in the gardin, and eat +them right down alive; i would az soon undertake tew eat a handful ov +putty. + +But tomatoze hav worked themselfs up to a necessary, and i am the last +man to injure their reputashun, for i beleave an innocent humbugg iz +just az mutch right tew win, (if they kan) az any other man. + +There iz one thing I do hope, and that iz that nobody will undertake +tew make kastor ile one ov the luxurys until after i am dead, for +kastor ile and bed buggs iz 2 things that i solemly sware i won't hav, +if they git to be ever so fashinable. + + + + +XX. + +JOSH REPLIZE TEW CORRESPONDENTS. + + +_Mastiff._--I kant tell yu the best kind ov a dogg tew buy; but for a +man of limited means, i think the wodden dogg iz the most cheapest. +They are the less liabel tew git out ov repare, and ain't awl the time +following folks oph. They kant wag their tales, but that kan be +remydied by having them made without enny. They are not apt tew be +noizy in the night; but if yu want one tew frighten away the robbers, +awl yu hav got tew dew iz tew hav one made with the bark on. + +_Walton._--Yu are right about it; the bull-head aint a game fish, +although they die hard. I kant giv yu enny posatiff rule to be a game +fisher. Pashunce iz a good thing tew hav. I would advise yu to +practiss, for the fust year, in a tan vat, with a leather line, and a +skillet handle for a fish hook; yu may not ketch mutch fish, but yu +will learn how tew twitch butifully. + +_Davenport._--I beleave in the doktrin ov spiritualism--that iz, i +beleave it iz a smart doktrin. A man haz tew hav a United States +juggler's license now before he kan beleave in the doktrin. I beleave +in raps on the table, but when i hear them cum pretty loud and fast i +make up mi mind that sumboddy iz gitting badly eukered. I don't +rekolekt ov but one communikashun between spirits that iz menshuned in +the Bible, and that took place between Lazarus and another gentleman. +It iz pleasant to know that one ov these spirits waz a pure one, and +that he had awl the advantage (ov the other gentleman) in the argument, +and in the posishun. + +_Eazell._--I kant tell yu who painted the Greek Slave; she aint on +exhibishun. They are gitting the fine arts almost perfeck now-a-days. +One feller in Pittsburg haz painted a sorrell hors so perfekly that the +hair awl cum oph from the hors. And another fellar haz just _finished_ +a Durham cow that he had _salted down_ last fall for family use. And +another artiss haz got a Nufoundland pupp in hiz studio reddy--that he +haz bin offered 10 dollars for bi the owner, and no questions asked. + +_Parent._--I kant tell yu the best way tew bring up a boy; but, if i +had one that didn't lie well enuff tew suit me, i think now i would set +him tew tending a dri goods store. Probably, one ov the best ways to +bring up a boy in the way he should go, iz tew travel that woy +ourselfs, once in a while. Still thare aint no sure thing; I have seen +them brought up az kerful az a lappdog, and then go tew the devil jist +az soon az they could strike the right track. And then agin, i hav saw +them cum out ov sumboddy's gutter and wash up like a dimond. Raising +boys iz a good deal like raising colts; if yu don't git more than one +out ov ten that iz a fast one, yu are dewing fust rate. A grate menny +men hanker for a boy tew transmit their reputashun to! i konsider this +about az risky az the hen's egg bizzness; thare iz always sum chances +agin it--one iz, that the eggs may be spilte before they start for +market, and another iz, they may git busted in carrying. + + + + +XXI. + +LIST OF HOUSEN TEW LET. + +FURNISHED AND UNFURNISHED. + +BI * * * * *. + +_Real Estate Agent and Property Broker._ + + +_Number One_--Gothick cottage, (with chimbleys, and windo blinds +attached,) and water, (in the suller,) lokated for the present on the +south-east angle ov Soap and Myrtle streets; house kontains a bay +windo; would suit a lawyer or a blacksmith. Rent, for the summer +months, (including the good will ov the naberhood,) $4,500. No children +and doggs aloud on the premises. Cards, tew view the hous, kan be +obtained ov the agent (admitting a gentleman and 2 ladys) for the +trifling sum ov 5 dollars. N.B.--This hous waz taken yesterday, and +customers are forbid tew bother the agent bi inquiring about it. + +_Number Two_--Will be tew rent in a fu daze; the hous iz being put in +perfeck order bi being whitewashed, and the floor sprinkled with sum +sand. This hous is a cross ov the Ionian & Dorick style, waz built when +lumber waz skarse, and iz almitey hard finished throughout, rat-holes +awl plugged up, and a bottle ov bed bugg pizen, neatly labeled, and +hung up in each room. To a tenant who kan bring testimony, and a good +pedigree, this hous would be leased for a term ov 30 or 40 years, for +about 2,500 hundred dollars a year, the tenant tew pay the taxes, and +remove the mortgages now on the premises, and put in the gass, and git +the hous insured for 6,000 dollars, and assign the polisy tew the agent +az collatteral security for the faithful performanse ov the kontrakt. +N.B.--If thare iz enny things else that i hav forgot tew menshun about +the terms, the tenant kan hav them inserted, when the papers are drawed +up, without extra charge. + +_Number Three_--Iz kompletely furnished with gass fixtures and meether, +and ile cloth in the front hall, and pegs in the closets, and back +verandy. This delightful property iz now occupied bi a phisician, +("whose sands ov life hav about run out,") and sum ov the rent would be +took in boarding the phisician ("whose sand iz about run thru,") and +hiz wife, and wife's oldest sister, and her unkle, and the 9 children, +who are awl lite eaters, havin bin kept for the laste 6 months on sperm +kandle soup. Tew a tenant who could loan the phisician $1,500 or two +thousand dollars, and take a first mortgage on the furniture in the +hous, a liberal rent would be named, payable quarterly in advanse. +P.S.--fust cum, fust git. + +_Number Four_--Iz the property ov a two-millionaire, who iz about going +tew Urope with hiz entire family, tew spend sum munny. This hous haz +one ov Chickering's 10 oktave, iron-frame, overstrung bass, rosewood, +round kornered, pearl keyed, pianners, built expressly for the owner bi +Mr. Chickering himself, after the design ov the pantheon in Rome, +(Italy,) and also haz a hole cut thru the roof, from which the North +star kan be distinktly seen with the naked eye. Rent iz no objeck--tew +a small family ov one or two persons, this hous could be had, if +applied for within 2 daze, at the nominal prise ov 20,000 dollars a +month, reckoning 26 working days tew the month. + +_Also_--A superb hoss ov a black culler, warranted 16 hands hi, ov +grate enduranse, tew stand without tieing, and kan trot in 2:53; would +make a good card for a hearse hoss. + + + + +XXII. + +LAUGHING. + + +It never haz been proved, that enny ov the animal kreation hav +attempted tew laff, (we are quite certain that none hav succeded;) thus +this deliteful episode and pleasant power appears tew be entirely +within the province ov humans. It iz the language ov infancy--the +eloquense ov childhood,--and the power tew laff is the power to be +happy. It is becoming tew awl ages and conditions; and (with the very +few exceptions, sakred tew sorrow) an honest, hearty laff iz always +agreeable and in order. It iz an index ov karakter, and betrays sooner +than words.--Laffing keeps oph sickness, and haz conquered az menny +diseases az ever pills have, and at mutch less expense.--It makes +flesh, and keeps it in its place.--It drives away weariness and brings +a dream ov sweetness tew the sleeper.--It never iz covetous.--It +ackompanys charity, and iz the handmaid ov honesty.--It disarms +revenge, humbles pride, and iz the talisman ov kontentment.--Sum have +kalled it a weakness--a substitute for thought, but really it +strengthens wit, and adorns wisdum, invigorates the mind, gives +language ease, and expreshun elegance.--It holds the mirror up tew +beauty; it strengthens modesty, and makes virtue heavenly. It iz the +light ov life; without it we should be but animated ghosts. It +challenges fear, hides sorrow, weakens despair, and carries haff ov +poverty's bundles.--It costs nothing, comes at the call, and leaves a +brite spot behind.--It iz the only index ov gladness, and the only buty +that time kannot effase.--It never grows old; it reaches from the +cradle clear tew the grave. Without it, love would be no pashun, and +fruition would show no joy.--It iz the fust and the last sunshine that +visits the heart; it was the warm welkum ov Eden's lovers, and was the +only capital that sin left them tew begin bizzness with outside the +Garden ov Pardise. + + + + +XXIII. + +LYING. + + +As easy az it iz to lie, I am astonished that thare are so few engaged +in the bizzness, and that so few fust-rate lies are ever told. + +I am not prepared to say how mutch real sin thare iz in what iz kalled +a light-colored lie, that haz no maliss or evil result in it, but I +have alwus notised that the heft ov mankind love to excel in awl they +undertake, and I can't tell how long a man would be willing to tell +white lies for fun when he might be turning an honest penny for himself +by telling black ones. + +Men don't generally bekum drunkards by confinning themselfs stricktly +tew sweet sider. + +Lieing is the lowest grade of sin,--it is more cowardly than stealing, +bekause thare is less risk in it--it is more demoralising than +burglary, bekause there is no cure for it,--it is more dangerous than +swareing, bekause swareing don't hurt enny boddy else,--it waz the fust +sin committed, bekause it was the easiest and most natral, and it will +probably be the last one committed, bekause no man ever gits so poor +and degraded but what he kan tell quite a respectabel lie. + +Lieing is said tew be constitushionall in sum folks,--so is the itch +constitushionall, because folks hang around whare it is, and won't +doktor for it after they git caught by it. + +Finally--I might as well own it--I hav told a few very fair lies +myself, but i kant reckollect ov one that I feel proud ov now. + + + + +XXIV. + +PERKUSSION CAPS. + + +I hold that a man has jist as mutch rite tew spel a word as it is +pronounsed, as he has tew pronounse it the way it aint spelt. + +Sticking up our nose don't prove enny thing, for the most sensitiff +person in the world, when he is away from his kittles, is a bone biler. + +But fu sights, in this life, are more sublime and pathetick, than tew +see a poor, but virtuous yung man, full ov christian fortitude, +struggling with a mustatch. + +Common sense is most ginnerally dispised bi those who haint got it. + +If I was asked which was the best way, in these days ov temptashun, tew +bring up a boy, i should say--bring him up the back way. + +It don't require enny edukashun tew tell the truth, but tew lie well +dus. + +We are told "that an honest man is the noblest _work_ ov God"--but the +demand for the _work_ has been so limited, that i hav thought a large +share ov the fust edishun must still be in the author's hands. + +Men don't seem never tew git tired ov talking about themselfs, but i +hav heard them when i thought they showed signs ov weekness. + +If yu would make yurself agreeable, wherever yu go, listen tew the +grivences ov others, but never relate yure own. + +Sum folks are always trieing tew see thru a millstone edgeways, when, +if they would only turn it over on the flat side, they could look rite +thru the hole. + +Buty is like a ranebow--full ov promis, but short lived. + +It aint best tu swop with yure relashuns, unless yu kan afford tew giv +them the butt end ov the trade. + +Amung the blu laws ov Konnekticut, (which are now obsolute,) are +this--"No man shall chaw turbakker on Sunday, unless he swallers the +spit." + +Also, "No yung woman shal hav a rite tew git marrid, who kant make a +donut that will keep at least one year, without loseing its twist." + +I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the +men. + +I beleave in suggar coated pills.--I also beleave that virtue and +wisdum kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good natured proverb, +better and deeper than tew be mortised into it with a wormwood mallet +and chissell. + +The pure don't gro old enny more than a mountain spring dus. + +I don't think thare is enny rule for long life. I hav known men tew die +before they was 40, from the effek ov a vegatabel diet, and i hav known +others tew liv 75 years on salt pork and sider brandy, and then quit +the pork on akount ov their helths, and live 15 years longer on the +sider brandy alone. + +"Give me liberty, or giv me deth"--but ov the 2 I prefer the liberty. + +As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must play what is +dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch in winning, as in +playing a poor hand well. + +The time tew pray is not when we are in a tight spot, but jist as soon +as we git out ov it. + +"The Lord tempers the wind to the shorn lamb," but it is man's +bissiness tew see that he don't shear the lamb tew cluss. + + + + +XXV. + +ONE WEEK FROM MY DIAREE. + + +MONDAY.--Had suckers for breakfast. Suckers and sussagis are the 2 +luxuries ov life; the other luxury iz eazy boots. Answered several +letters ov grate moment. + +TUESDAY.--Awoke with a splendid headache, cauzed by drinking tew much +spring water the evening previously, and going tew bed at 9 o'clock +precisely. Breakfasted on the butt end ov a sassige; felt like a dogg. +Sett down in my little chamber for reflekshun, and reflekted as +follers: + +Rekolekted ov hearing a man, on the levee, in Saint Lewis, once say +"that the steambote Perary Flower drew less water than any bote an the +Missouri." I asked him, "how little she could draw?" After changing +sides with hiz chaw ov tobacco, he calmly said, "About 2 barrels." I +reflekted what a phool this man made ov himself, and ov me too. + +WEDNESDAY.--Rekolekted ov asking a man in Minnysota, if beans waz a +sure krop in hiz parts. He sed "they waz az certain az a revolver." +Reflekted upon the danger ov carrying concealed weapons. + +Rekolekted again ov being in Nu Hampshire, during a severe sno storm, +and innocently enuff remarked, "that i never see ennything like it," +and waz told by one ov the bar-room boarders, "that it want nothing, +that he had seen it fall over a thousand feet." "What," sed i, "a +thousand feet on the level?" "No," said he, "but a thousand feet from +on high." I reflekted how eazy it waz for sum folks tew lie, and tell +the truth at the same time. + +THURSDAY.--Rekolekted once more ov being on the Red River, in Arkansaw, +and seeing a large piece ov frame-work, by the side ov the road; +enquired ov a private citizen, who was leading a blind mule by one ov +hiz ears, "what the frame-work mought be?" He sed, "it was a blind +fiddle, and it took three yoke ov oxen tew draw the bow, and they had +tew haw and gee tew change the tune." Reflekted on that passidge in the +poeck, which sez "man is fearfully and wonderfully made;" and thought +the remark might apply tew fiddles in Arkansaw, without spileing the +remark. + +FRIDAY.--Visited mi washwoman, and blowed her up, for sewing ruffles +and tucks onto the bottom ov mi drawers. + +[Illustration: Josh Billings, upon remonstrating with his washerwoman +for sewing tucks onto the bottom of his drawers, is told that the +clothes have only been mixed.--_See page 93._] + +She was thunderstruck at fust, but explained the mystery by saying, +"she had sent me a pair, by mistake, that belonged to * * * *;" I +blushed like a biled lobster, and told her she couldn't be too keerful +about such things; i might hav bin ruined for life. + +SATURDAY.--Wrote this diaree for the week, from memory, and am +satisfied i hav got a good memory. Reflekted upon the vanity ov human +wishes, reflekted how often i had wished tew be ritch, and how seldum +mi wishes had bin gratified. Resolved, in the futur, not tew wish for +ennything until i had it 3 weeks, and see how i liked it. + +JOSH BILLINGS--Dispensed with a new born critick who had tried hard tew +be severe on my Book ov Sayings, thusly:--Dear Sir, I have red yure +kriticism on mi book, and muss say, it don't cum haf way up tew mi +expectations. Yu seem tew hav in a big degree one essenshall for a bull +critick, that is a grate willingness tew _damn_, but yu lack entirely +another ingredient which is awl important: yu don't know how tew bild a +_dam_. Upon the whole, i am forced tew admit, that you are a poor +_damn_ crittick. + +Yure Lover, + +JOSH BILLINGS. + + + + +XXVI. + +AMERIKAN ARISTOKRASY. + +VIEWED BY JOSH BILLINGS. + + +Political ekonomists hav defined an aristokrasy as a power or +government in which a privileged few hold dominyun. + +I am not aware that sich a government exists, in a pure form, at the +present day among the nashuns ov the earth. + +But we kant be mistaken in the fackt that even in our own Republick +thare are menny kandidates who would luv to participate in the peculiar +privileges ov an aristokrasy. + +We hav divided Amerikan Aristokrasy (jist for fun) into 3 piles--the +moneyed, the mackrel, and the pedigree aristokrats. + +Not having much time tew spare, we pitch into them a good deal as +follers: + +The moneyed aristokrats are like certain fine coated animals, worth +just what their hides will bring. + +The mackrels are remarkable for their numbers and the small kapital +they dew bizziness on; and while arrayed in their false dignity, and +straining hard tew cheat us in awl things, are like a drunken man +trieing tew walk a krack. + +The pedigrees hav mutch innosense and little courage. Content with the +glory ov their ancestors, they are satisfied in holding under our noses +a grandfather's fossils, and fondly beleaf that the bones make them +smell ov greatness. + +Finally, trieing tew be a fust klass aristokrat in America, just yet, +appears tew us tew be almost as flattring an enterprise as climbing a +greased pole. Thare is great doubt about our being able tew reach the +top, and if we dew succeed (and don't pull the pole up after us) we +will soon hav the mortifikashun ov seeing some other sheumaker climbing +up the same pole. + +MORAL--Don't be an aristokrat if you kan help it. + + + + +XXVII. + +LOVE. + + +The only natural feeling the young heart possesses is love. It is the +first good thing the heart dus, and in after life it is often the only +good thing it dus. + +Thare is no posatif virtue in love, and yet it may be the result ov the +holyest ov virtues. + +But thare is, in this life, a vast deal ov Pontoon love, that has no +more virtue in it than wooden nutmegs hav. + +Thare is, "Love undying," that generally lives about as long as +uncorked ginger pop dus. + +Thare is "Love Untold," which is alwus told tew ennyboddy who will +listen to it, and is as full ov pathos as a pork and beans nightmare. + +And thare is "Love at sight," to which I will add Love for 90 days. + +These are sum ov the different kinds ov love that are denominated +pashun, and form much ov the trading capital that lovers do bissness +on. + +There is not much sin in these different styles ov love; they don't +seem tew git up tew the dignity ov sin; thare is deception in them +without doubt; but the deception is like Costar's celebrated Rat +Exterminator, it won't hurt ennyboddy else but the rats. + +I am not prepared to say that I would like to see these things dun away +with, for sumthing wuss might spring up in the place ov them; they seem +tew be necessary in carrying on a trade in which judgment has to yield +to fancy, and fancy is too often forced to yield to nonsense. + +If we could (enny ov us) have our old courtship written out and given +to us for perusal, we should probably look upon it as we would upon a +Chinese comick almanick, unable tew understand the pikturs and +satisfied that the astronomical calculations were never designed for +our latitude. + + + + +XXVIII. + +THE GAME OF YEWKER. + + +This ill-bred game ov kards is about 27 years old. + +It was fust diskovered by the deck hands on a lake Erie steam Boat, and +handed down by them tew posterity in awl its juvenile beauty. + +It is generally played by 4 persons and owes mutch ov its absorbingness +tew the fackt that yu kan talk, and drink, and chaw, and cheat while +the game is advancing. + +I have seen it played on the Hudson River Railroad, in the smoking +cars, with more immaculate skill than ennywhare else. + +If yu play thare, yu will often hold a hand that will astonish you, +quite often 4 queens and a 10 spot, which will inflame you to bate 7 or +8 dollars that it is a good hand tew play poker with; but you will be +more astonished when you see the other feller's hand, which invariably +consists ov 4 kings and a one spot. + +Yewker is a mollatto game, and don't compare tew old sledge in majesty, +enny more than the game ov pin does to a square church raffle. + +I never play yewker. + +I never would learn how, out ov principle. + +I was originally created cluss to the Connektikut line, in Nu England, +whare the game ov 7 up, or old sledge, was born, and exists now in awl +its pristine virginity. + +I play old sledge, tew this day, in its natiff fierceness. + +But I won't play enny game, if I know my charakter, whare a jack will +take an ace, and a ten spot won't count game. + +I won't play no such kind ov a game, out ov respekt to old Connekticut, +mi natiff place. + + + + +XXIX. + +NOW AND THEN. + + +In anshunt days, men, after konsidering an enterprise, proceeded with +energee tew execute it; _now_ they shut up one eye, and "pitch in." + +In old times, if their judgment sanctioned, they considered the +chances; _now_, they "let her rip." + +_Then_, they drank moderately ov water and brandy; _now_, they smile +aquafortiss, and suk sweet scented turpentine, thru a quill. + +_Then_, if circumstancis made it imperativ, they closed their +bissiness, by affekting an honarabil compromise; _now_, they "cave in," +"squeal," or "absquat." + +_Then_, kontrary opinyuns were okassionally supported with reasonabel +wagers; _now_, every man "bets his pile," or "bottom Dollar." + +_Then_, they went a mile in forti-two, with an easy rein; _now_, in 2 +forti, under a strong pull. + +_Then_, most familys held from 6 to 10 healthy children, within its +hallowed sirkle a radiant mother, and a stalwart sire; _now_, too oftin +a puny father, with unsertin knees, a romantik madame, with a pale lily +at her breast, a wet nuss, 2 Bridgits and a kennel ov sore eyed pups. + +_Then_, they went tew meeting, to hear a docktrin sermon, and be +humbell before God; _now_, they flaunt into holy palaces, and pay out +fortunes every year, to lounge on velvet, and hear the Bible amateured, +by a daintee gentleman, who handles their sins as he would a sleeping +infant. + +_Then_, our halls ov legislatur were filled with honest patriots; +_now_, with clever bandits, whose courtesys dwell upon the tips ov +buoyknives, and whose eloquence and arguments are couchant in the +chambers ov deadly revolvers. + +_Then_, we had youths apprenticed to a honest calling, whose indenters +were diplomas; _now_, pale young gentlemen, emulous ov fisick, or the +law, who are pendant to the perlews ov the courts and colleges, +watching for the falling ov a crumb. + +_Then_, we had maidens until they had bin looked upon bi at least 20 +summers, and were modest enuff tew pick out a husband from a skore ov +earenst and honest men, whoze very eyes had the promis ov bread in +them; _now_, 15 summers make a woman, (or what we are obliged tew take +for one,) and one so ripe too, that he who fust shakes the bush, gits +the eager fruit. + +_Then_, our literatur and learning waz drawn from sound philosophee, or +quaint proverbs ov sense, and the fu books that prevailed was good; +_now_, evryboddy writes a book, and evry phool reads it; learning is +sterotiped, and wisdom iz only 12 shillings a vollume. + +_Then_, industry kreated wants, virtew tempered them, and frugality +supplied them; _now_, luxury haz taken the plase ov industry, pride the +plase ov virtew, and extravaganse the plase ov frugality. + +_Then_, men ware solisituss about their karakters; _now_, about their +pedigrees. + +_Then_, they found health at hum; _now_, they hunt for it bi travell. + +Finally--if our Grand Pops should cum among us, with the plans and +precepts ov a hundred years ago, we, in our impudence and wickedness, +would be caught laffing at them, while they, in virtuous sorrow, would +be in tears over us, and thus would be enakted the scenes which alwus +ensews when fools and sages meet. + + + + +XXX. + +OATS. + + +Munny has dun one thing fur the world that no thing else could hav did +so well--it has developed the phools. + +The best kind ov advice fur me tew foller is this: "Pay tew the order +ov Josh Billings 50 dollars and charge mi akount--John Burch." I had +rather hav 10 Dollars ov this kind ov advice than six hundred in +Christian consolashun; there is more sassage in it. + +Although mankind worship wealth, I will give them credit fur one +thing--they seldom mistake it fur brains. + +Most aul the grate things hav bin did by taking the chances. Prudence +has but one eye, while fortune has a thousand. + +If a man has 2 stummuks and 2 outsides, thare might be sum excuse fur +adding 10 thousand dollars more each year tew his pile. + +I don't read enny boddy else's poetry but Homer's, upon the same +principle that i alwus drink, when it is just as handy, out ov a +spring, instead ov the outlet. + +Treason is one ov them kind ov stains that wash well. + +If a man has got tew be poor aul his life, I aint sure but it would be +sum munny in his pocket tew be ignorant. + +Fust class virtu is alwus anxus tew avoid temptashun. + +Yu kant transplant a Yaukee suckcessfully without taking up a good deal +ov the sile with the roots. + +Originality in writing is as diffikult as gitting a fishpole by the +side ov a trout brook--aul the good poles hav bin cut long ago. + +It is easy enuff tew git religion, but tew hold it is what bothers a +fellow. A good grip is better than rubis--yea! than mutch fine cotten +cloth. + +I enjoy a good laff--one that rushes out ov a man's soul like the +breaking up ov a Sunday school; but a laff that cums tew the surface, +as the hickucks cum, or backs out ov a man, like the struggles ov a +chicken choked with a chunk ov haff wet dough, i utterly lament. + +Thare aint no poetry in poverty, but enny number ov feet ov blank +verse. + +When a fellow knows he is being stared at, it makes him act as unnatral +as though he wos setting fur his picktur. + +I am called a "broad humorist," and i am glad ov it: thare is plenty ov +narrow humorists in the country without me. + +Enny man who will kompell a woman tew make a shirt fur 20 cents, ought +tew be filled full ov fish-hooks and be used for bait tew ketch other +sharks with. + +Silence is one ov the negativ virtews. + + + + +XXXI. + +WATERFALLS. + + +I rather like waterfalls. + +I kant tell _why_, enny more than I kan tell why I love kastor ile--but +kastor ile is good for a lazyness in the system. + +I don't like laziness ov no sort--not even in muskeeters. + +I want my muskeeters lively. + +But aul this iz foreign tew mi purposs. + +I like waterfalls--they are so eazy and natural. + +They attack all the sex. + +Some they attack with grate fury, while others they approach more like +a siege, working up slowly. + +I saw one yesterday. + +It want no bigger than a small French turnup. + +It had attaked a small woman ov only 9 summers duration. + +She waz full ov recreation, and when she bounded along the sidewalk the +waterfall highsted up and down in an ossillating manner, resembling +mutch the sportive terminus ov a bob-tailed lamb, in a grate hurry. + +The effeck was purely eclectick. + +I also saw another one pretty soon, which belonged tew a mature matron. + +She might hav saw 75 summers; her hair waz white az flour (Perkins "A," +worth 15 dollars a barrell, delivered); but the waterfall was black. + +I asked a bystander how he could account for that. + +He said "it waz younger." + +I also saw another one pretty soon, which waz the property ov a gusher. + +She was about 19 years old, and waz az ripe az a 2 year peach. + +She swept the streets like a thing of life. + +Men stopped to gaze az she pazsed, and put in a new chew ov tobacco. + +Little boys pocketed their marbles in silence. + +Her waterfall waz about the size ov a corn-basket turned inside out. + +It waz inklozed in a common skap net, and kivered with blazing dimonds +ov glass. + +It shone in the frisky sun like the tin dome on the Court House, whare +the supervizors meet. + +But i rather like waterfalls. + +It haz bin sed that they would run out, but this i think iz a error, +for they don't show no leak yet. + +In the language of the expiring Canadian, on our northern frontier, I +say--"_Vive la Bag-a-tale_." + + + + +XXXII. + +POLITENESS. + + +I hav looked into the philosophy ov politeness, with grate fierceness, +and see the thing in the followin light: + +Ginowine politeness is a nice mixture ov vanity and good natur, +invigerated bi virtue, and chastened bi policy. + +It will take a man along slikly, whose money and impudence, and even +religion, singly, would git stuck. + +Nobody can stand, without quailing, before a broadside ov ginowine +politeness; it will make even a Pawnee Injun grow limber. + +It mite not save a man from gitting kicked bi a mule, but it would save +him from gitting near enuff tew git kicked. + +Thare is one other compound in ginowine perliteness, which gives it +terrifick force, and that is deference. + +Deference will win oftener than double sixes. + +If you want tew beat a man out ov his opinyun, let him hav his own way +till you cum tew the forks in the road, then you kan take him jist +which road you please. + +I am not prepared tew call deference always a virtue, bekause it may +exist, and only be an art, or stratagem. + +If it is natural, it quite often degenerates into servility, and if +artifishall, it merges into fraud, or cunning. Love without deference, +is nothing more than a raid. + +The deference that exists between equals, (altho pleasant tew look +upon,) is not alwus flatterin tew think about; lions are necessarily +polite tew each other, but when lions bekum polite tew the lams, then +will deference reveal its true sublimity. + +Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch ripe +politeness; a goose has a grate deal ov this last kind ov politeness; i +have seen them lower their heds while going into a barn door, that was +18 foot high. + +JOSH BILLINGS. + + + + +XXXIII. + +DREAMS. + + +If yu are handsum, cultivate yure boots; if yu are hoamly, hoe yure +branes. + + * * * * * + +"Shut Nu Ingland out in the cold!"--i should as soon think ov shutting +the cold out ov Nu England. + + * * * * * + +I luv tu meet an old feller ov 70 on the rode, hanging on tu a pare ov +trotters. Old fellers! don't give up yure pull, till yure obliged tew. + + * * * * * + +Thare ain't mutch virgin virtchew in this world; it is purty mutch aul +Magdalen. + + * * * * * + +The trew province ov economy is tu see how mutch munny we kan liv the +clussest on. + + * * * * * + +The sudden ritch quite often find themselfs in the same ficks that +mullatters are--just above what they started from, and just belo what +they started for. + + * * * * * + +He who draws his experience from the past iz alwus a man, and he who +draws his experience from the futur iz always a child. + + * * * * * + +If yu kant git good clothes and eddicashun too, git the clothes. + + * * * * * + +Say "How are ye" tew everyboddy. + + * * * * * + +If yu argy, alwus git beet. + + + + +XXXIV. + +JOSH CORRESPONDS. + + +_Jenkins_--Yure letter is full ov very foolish questions, but sum ov +them are worth answering. + +I kant tell whether dogs are born with a bob-tail on them, or whether +they ain't, but i am inclined tew think they am. + +I think they am, bekause I never see enny dogs' tails laying around +loose, without enny dog to them. + +But thare is one thing that bothers me too, and that is, i kant see why +it aint just as easy for a dog tew be born with a whole tail on him as +with a bob piece, when he is about it; still, if the dog has got tew be +skant sumwhare, perhaps it is good judgment tew take it oph on the +longest end. + +The more we sarch these things, Jenkins, the more curerisser they am. + +Natur don't dew ennything without sum good reason of her own. If she +raises a bob-tailed dog, she don't dew it for fun, but for the dog's +welfair; perhaps the dog, if he had bin borned with a whole tail, might +hav had it bit oph by a sheep or sumthing. + +So yu see, Jenkins, thare is figureing in aul these things. + +As i told yu in mi last letter, you must study natur and wisdum more, +and then yu won't hav tew ask so menny phoolish questions. + +A bob-tailed dog aint half so apt tew hav the tiphus fever as a +long-tailed dog is--this stands tew reason. + +A long-tailed dog kan wag more than a bob-tailed dog kan; but wagging +ov aul kinds, is about played out. + +If i should ever git able tew keep a dog, i should selekt a bob-tailed +one, for two reasons. One is, yu git more dog and less tail; and the +other is, thare aint no good place for the boys tew hitch a tin pail +onto them behind. + +I had rather have one bob-tailed dog, if he was ever so small, than tew +hav six long-tailed ones, if they was ever so big. I might not be so +ritch, but i could invest the other 5 dogs in bank stock, which would +be better than nothing. + +Thare is one thing, Jenkins, yu, nor no other man ever see, with the +naked eye, and that is a long-tailed dog that didn't hav fleas on him. + +If yu want to hang up a dog by the tail, I am reddy tew allow that the +long-tailed ones are the handyest--but the best way, ennyhow, to hang a +dog, is by the neck. + +In my next letter tew yu I will tell yu sum more news about dogs, but +in the mean time yu must prop yure eyes open, and keep up a devil ov a +thinking, and wisdum, by-and-by, will cum and sit on yu, and tell yu +awl about it, which ov the two is the most necessary, the bob, or the +long-tailed dog. + +That part ov yure letter, in which yu ask me about Herring, iz full ov +very young and half-biled questions, sum ov which are tew easy tew +spend enny time answering; but thare is sum ov them more tuff, which I +may as well split up for yu now as enny time. + +Herring is a small fish that lives in schools. They are used as +vittles, and resemble, very mutch, when they are cooked, a paper ov +stewed pins. They are cooked by being tanned in the smoke, and then are +et raw. They are generally served up with crackers and water. Crackers +and herring are as free from moisture as Daball's arithmetick, and will +keep without spileing, as long as the rule ov 3. + +They are handy tew eat; you kan eat them on a run, or not, just as yu +hav a mind to. + +Thare is one thing very awful about a herring; they hav got but one +bowell, and that is about the sise ov a chalk line when it is stretched +tight; this gives their stummuks a penurious look. + +Bones is what a herring has the most ov; they are as full ov bone as a +rat's tail. + +Yu ask me, "if the herrin and sturgin are the same fish?" This question +beats enny one i ever heard ov its sise; a child 2 hours old knows +better than that. + +Jenkins, yu will either hav tew be born agin, or else pull oph yure +shoes and run out tew grass one summer, before yu will kno mutch. + +_Nimrod_--I will write yu more at length after sheep-shearing, and will +merely suggest now that yu hav got rong noshuns about mankind in +general. Mankind in general is as oncertin as a wasp's nest, and wants +as mutch cluss watching as a mule's hind legg. + +I hav got so poor an opinion ov mankind in general (as far as i hav +got) that if i was in a destitute condishun i would rather trust tew mi +luck than tew my virtue for sunbeams. + +In relation tew that chunk ov skripture which yu ask me about, "Be yee +as wise as a sarpient, but harmless as a deer," don't mistake it for a +dose of catnip tea or herb drink; it warn't meant for a weak +prescription; it is a kind ov iron-klad missionary ship, and means +sharp work, on the sly. + +Yure idee about the friendship ov the world is 4 miles tew leeward ov +the channel; friendship is like the magnetic needle, thare is certin +causes that will make it vary sideways sumtimes, but when it settles +down tew stiddy work it alwus pints tew the pole--and the fellow that +owns the needle owns the pole. + +And as for human happiness, Nimrod, don't hunt for it, and yu may +acksidentally cum across sum ov it. Hunting happiness is a good deal +like hunting crows; when yu haint got yure gun with yu, yu kan alwas +git a grate deal nearer tew the crows. + + + + +XXXV. + +NUZE CUTS FROM OUR EXCHANGES. + + +The "_Shanghi Dispatch_" advertises for "a Devil, not over 14 years ov +good moral karacter.--References exchanged.--The young Devil will be +expekted tew board with his father, espeshily during the cold weather." + + * * * * * + +The "_Nevada Brick_" says, "thare will be a total eklips of the moon, +next month, visibel with the naked eye, only tew the subskribers ov the +"_Brick_." Send in your subskriptions for the year at onst." + + * * * * * + +The "_Mock Turtle Bulletin_" learns "that onions in his lokality won't +be more than half a crop, owing tew the number ov akers sewed, and the +small size of the seed," and advises hiz patrons "tew lay in their +assyfedity now, for the winter, while it iz low." + + * * * * * + +The "_Mohunk Ledger_" "highsts the name ov John tyler, solitary and +alone, for the next president, and gives hiz reasons."--(We doubt the +polisy of this nominashun, for he haz bin run into the ground onse +already.) + + * * * * * + +The "_Mutton Hollow Day Book & People's Register_" thus reports the +acksident, ov a moral karacter, on the Peuterville railroad. "The +konduktor ov the 10.15 train going east, when he got tew the end ov his +route, had 19 dollars he couldn't account for. This iz the fust +acksident ov the kind, ever diskovered on the road, and we kan assure +the traveling publik, will probably be the last." + + * * * * * + +The "_Reedsburgh Journal_" "learns from good authority, that the wife +ov a laborer, in that vicinity, gave birth tew six fine healthy +children," and then adds, "but not awl tew onst." + + * * * * * + +The "_Olive Branch_" a black republikan sheet, sez, "the grasshoppers, +having et up everything green thing in our naberhood, hav pitched onto +things blue, sech az whetstones, and demokrats, and are dieing oph bi +the thousands, in consequentz." + +The "_Oakville Banner_" don't beleave in the above akount, and adds, +"the fackt that the editor of the "_Olive Branch_" still lives, iz +proof enuff that the green things aint all destroyed yet." + +In the colums of the "_Weekly Bred_" of date Oct. 16, we see it +announced, that "the sorrel Hen ov deakon Abijeir Phillips lade an egg +which weighed, after it waz kold, 7 pounds with an affidavit tew it, +before Square Sturgiss, justis of peace." And then the editor goes on +to say, "the hen haz bin dewing better ever sinse."--(We should think +it would be hard work for her tew do mutch better.) + + * * * * * + +The "_Monthly Reckord_" learns, thru her country correspondent, "that +the maple sugar krop will be bigger next year, than for the last 90 +years, and that we shall have a dreadful hard winter, for the geese are +getting reddy; he never knu them so tuff tew bile, as they are this +fall." + + * * * * * + +The "_Perary Flower_" cums tew us with a long and Abel artikle on +punkin pize. The editor sez, "he waz early from konnekticut, and waz +born on punkin pi, and would be willing tew die on them almost, with +nutmeg in them. He remembers distinktly, how hiz grate grandmother used +tew mix them up, and how he used tew dip into the mix, on the sli." He +further winds up bi saying, "that it iz az natural for a yankee tew +stand on a punkin pi, az it iz for a setter dorg tew sett on a +woodcock, or a Frenchman tew point on a frog's hind legs." (I agree +with this feller fully; i waz onse from Nu England myself, and punkin +pize waz the fust real sass ov mi boyhood, and at this late time ov +day, seems to be the principle swivel in the chain, that binds me tew +the land whare basswood punkin seeds, and wooden nutmegs, are grown +only for exportation.) + + + + +XXXVI. + +DEAD BEATS. + + +No man ever jumps az fur az he kan, but once. + +If the wicked really stand on slippery places, the best thing the +rightyus kan do is to keep oph from the ice. + +Thare is no religion in simply travelling 4 miles an hour, nor enny +actual sin in a 2.40 gate. + +"Position is everything;" position of a comma, for instanse. "Thare is +a divinity that shapes our ends rough, hew them as we will." + +If I was called upon to say how I thought the Devil looked and ackted, +i should kompare him to the man who sells rum by the glass, and never +drinks enny himself. + +Wits are like hornets,--they hav but few intimates. + +Thiefs are remarkabel for their taking _ways_; + +Ragmen for their light _weighs_; + +Dairymaids for their sweet _wheys_; + +Boston for her _byways_. + +Courting,--home on a furlough. + +I maid up mi mind, more than 6 months ago, that this world wa'n't made +for phools; and when i see a man determined tew go to the devil, i +generly let him went. + +Crippels ar always cross; thay ar nature's libels. I konsider marrying +for money no better than stealing it. + +I hav seen sum awful bad throte disseases completely cured in 3 days by +simply jineing a temprance sosiety. + +A pun, tew be irresistable, don't ought to flavor ov malis +aforethought; but wants tew cum sudden and apt, like a rat out ov his +hole. + +How menny men thare is who argy, just as a bull dus, chained tew a +post; they beller and paw, but they kant git away from the post. + +Monuments are poor investments--the bad don't deserve them, and the +good don't need them. + +Thare is a grate menny stricktly honnest folks in this world; they +wouldn't take a cent from enny man that didn't belong tew them, nor giv +enny man a cent that didn't belong to them. + +I consider cerimony principally an effort ov vanity, or a kind ov +fashionable golden rule, which stimulates folks to do unto others as +they would hav others do unto them. + +Criticks are generally self-made men, and often poor jobs at that. + +Thare is one happiness in me that haint grone an hour older sinst it +was born, and that is--the fun of the thing. + +The heathens worship wood and stone; christians worship Nevada bricks. + +It ain't no credit tew a cow to giv a pail full ov milk, and then kick +it over--nor any other man. + + + + +XXXVII. + +SPRING--MAY, 1868. + + +Spring has cum. + +She has bin on the road about a month. + +I am glad she has cum, on account ov the grass. + +The grass waz beginning tew get oneasy about it. + +I hope the cows will eat sum grass forthwithly, so as tew lower down +the price ov butter. + +Butter has got tew be sassy. 55 cents a pound! Who in thunder ever seed +butter so high before? + +A feller has got tew go up garret now, tew spread his bread, and then +stand on tip-tose tew eat it. + +Evrything is hi now! + +Dandelion greens has riz; i bought a bushel yesterday, and pade 4 +dollars fur it. i wanted a mess, and mi wife sed it was jist like me, +bought 6 times tew mutch. i told her tew dry what she didn't want tew +bile: they would go good next winter on bukwheat slap-jacks. + +She stuk up her nose and slammed the door; but she loves me for aul +that, better than enny other woman dus. + +As i sed before, spring has cum. + +Mi hart begins tew kick up her heels, and i feel a limberness in my +soul; i think i must be thawin out. + +I hav a nateral gift for spring melankolly. + +I luv tew hear a robin sing; it is as sweet as sadness. + +I luv tew prokure a violet as soon as i can, each year; there is such a +mild impediment in their butiful fases; thay put me in mind ov an orfan +child, that has strayed oph into a dell and sot down tew cri. + +As i sed before, i am glad spring has cum, on akount ov the new +bunnets. + +And altho butter and dandelion greens are condem hi, my wife ses spring +bunnits is real cheep, (and she knos,) she can get a decent one fur 48 +dollars, without enny trimmins. + +I am real glad that one ov the necessaries ov life ain't onreasonable. + +Potatose and korn beef and ri flour and other luxuries is hi, and i +don't kno, fackt, but they ought tew be. If folks will hanker after +sich things, let them pay for them. + + * * * * * + +I am satisfied--Spring has cum, and bunnits are dog reasonable. + +JOSH BILLINGS. + + + + +XXXVIII. + +HARTES. + + +Sum hartes is trumps. + +The little child's harte has a host ov shaddery things in it, fairy +ghostesses, in the distanse, without mutch form,--in the fore-ground, +tops, and marbles, rag dolls, and sweet whissels; christmas, with the +little old esquire in his tights, and frisky span, loaded with wares +for a baby market; dreams without enny meaning, little jelosys, little +hopes and curious fears,--strange invoice, but life's capital, in which +sleep giants and pigmys, happiness and misery. + +Life's capital! which can't be increased, but which may aul be lost. + +The little child's harte! look down into it, it is like the vault ov a +wild-flower; apparently tenantless but full ov little sekrets, +sekrets--unknown tew itself,--sekrets worth knowing,--life's capital. + +Sweet little vault whare God has locked up creation's destiny. + + + + +XXXIX. + +MONOGRAFFS. + + +The happy man iz alwus marrid or expekts tew be. + +He don't beleaf in ghosts or ghostesses, nor raleroad acksidence before +they occur. + +He lives upon milk, and pays az he goes. + +He luvs evry boddy, and but fu luv him. + +He laffs when he gits wet, and only takes pills tew pleaze other folks. + +Like the birds, he waz born happy, and like them he seems tew enjoy it. + +The world calls him almost a phool, but his happy ness iz worth more, +and cost less than wisdum. + +But i consider happiness the easiest tew manage when thare aint much ov +it. + +Our wretched wants, though they are what makes a man more than a brute, +are just what reduces our happyness by expanding it. + +Evryboddy kan tell his nabor tew be contented with what he haz got, +(this is good news,) but noboddy but a phool can foller it. + +Phools are alwus happy, but alas! they don't know it. + +Still, thare aint no arithmetic for happiness--a man has to be measured +for hiz happiness just az he duz for hiz boots, and then he aint sure +but what they will pinch somewhare. + + +THE HANDSOME MAN AND PRETTY WOMAN. + +Buty iz one ov them kind ov conquests that don't last long. + +It is a kind ov raid, which surprises, but kant hold the territory +which it invades. + +It is a kind ov meteorick rain, which people may set up a night or two +to watch for, but failing tew see it a grate deal, may conclude that it +aint much ov a shower after awl. + +Handsum men are skase, and it is good that they are, for there is but +very little power in man buty, and thare iz more vanity in one handsum +man, than thare iz in two droves ov peacocks' tails. + +Buty iz another name for effeminacy. + +Pretty wimmin are plenty, and i am glad ov it, for wimmin hav a perfekt +right tew be pretty; but very butiful wimmin are unplenty, and i am +glad ov that ditto, for the chances is, they would use their buty to +gain our adorashun rather than our esteem. After awl, grate buty iz a +left-handed kompliment, for most ov the silly i have met with, are +thoze who believed they was very butiful. + +I think i had rather hav a noze 7 inches and a half long, (in the +clear) than tew be the hansumest man in our county; for in the fust +case, i should work hard tew shorten mi nose bi some other good +qualitys, while in the other case, i probably should never be told by +my looking-glass that i was a phool. + + +THE LIVE MAN. + +The _Live Man_ iz like the little pig; he iz weaned young, and begins +tew root arly. + +He iz the pepper-sass ov creation--the all-spice ov the world. + +One _Live Man_ in a village is like a case ov itch at a distrikt +skool--he sets evry boddy scratching a onst. + +A man who kan draw New Orleans molasses in the month ov January, thru a +half inch augur-hole, and sing "Home! sweet home!" while the molasis iz +running, may be strictly honest, but he aint sudden enuff for this +climate. + +The Live Man iz az full ov bizness az the conducter ov a street kar--he +iz often like a hornet, very bizzy, but about what, the Lord only +knows. + +He lights up like a cotton faktory, and haint got enny more time tew +spare than a skool-boy has Saturday afternoons. + +He is like a decoy duck, alwus above water, and lives at least 18 +months each year. + +He is like a runaway hoss; he gits the whole ov the road. + +He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekauze everyboddy +else duz. + +The live man is not always a deep thinker; he jumps at conclusions, +just as the frog duz, and don't alwus land at the spot he is looking +at. + +He is the Amerikan pet, a perfekt mystery tew foreigners; but he has +done more (with charcoal) tew work out the greatness of this country +than any other man in it. + +He is jist as necessary as the grease on an axle-tree. + +He don't alwus die ritch, but alwus dies bizzy, and meets death a good +deal az an oyster duz, without making enny fuss. + + +THE NERVOUS MAN. + +The nervous man is the original harp ov one thousand strings. + +He is a fiddle, past finding out. + +The tread ov an elephant don't skare him, but he wilteth when the mouse +nibbles in the wainscot. + +He turneth pale at the coming ov the spider. + +He laffeth when the whirlwind is on a bender, but shuddereth when the +striped snaik walks out for an airing. + +He gazeth at the red lightning with joy, when it gasheth the heavens; +but the scales ov his back lift up in horrer when old Baxter files up +his wood-saw. + +The nervous man is a very singular critter--he might more properly be +called a plural critter. + +My advice tew the nervous man is tew drink milk for a living, and for +excitement chaw spruce gum. + + + + +XL. + +JOSH BILLINGS AND THE LEKTUR COMMITTY. + + +Letters which pass from great men to great men are often wise to +owlishness, and so successfully discursive as to treat beautifully upon +everything but the point at "issoo." + +SALT POINT, Feb. 0th, 1867. + +J. BILLINGS, Esqr.: + +I am instructed by our association to inquire ov you, and solicit a +reply, if you could read a discourse before our lyceum this winter, and +if so, at what time, on what subject, and upon what terms. + +Most respectfully yours, + +EZRA SMITH, Cor. Sec'y. + + * * * * * + +POKIPSY, Feb. 12th, 1867. + +SMITH, MI DEAR: + +This day, at 10 o'clock A.M., I cum in contact with your letter, and +was real glad tew hear from yu. How do you like being Cor. Sek. ov a +Ly-Associ'? It is a light, pretty bizziness, and don't require much +capital. + +Let me ask you if you are any relashun to Jake Smith, the hatter. If yu +are, forgit it, for Jake is a common cuss. + +The Smiths are a good family, and prevail more permiskus, than enny +kind ov folks that i kno ov, but it would be unnatral in the highest if +thare want sum, whare they was so thick, that was wuss than the rest. + +Did yu ever read history, Ezra? If yu didn't yu will be serprised teu +hear that John Smith married Pokerhontas, the dauter ov Powhattan, the +injun boss. + +The way this happened was so: Smith was about gitting slewed, when +Pokerhontas went in, and fell flat on him. Old Powhattan giv it up, and +Pokerhontas had Smith, and Smith settled down and went into the injin +bizzness, in a small way, on his own hook. + +This is the grist ov the story. + +Tis one ov the most affektingest transactions on file. + +Yu ought teu read history, Ezra; it will learn yu informashun, and give +you a knolledge ov edukashun. + +[Illustration: The artist takes a poetic license with Mr. Billings' +Story of Pocahontas, and represents John Smith getting "slewed" in a +modern bar-room,--_See page 134._] + +I forgot tew state, that John Smith lived somwhare in pensylvany, at +the time his transakshun with Pokerhontas took place, and if he aint +dead probably lives there now. Thare is one fust rate thing about +history: it is alwus true; if it aint true, it aint history, so if yu +larn it onst, yu never have tew unharness. + +But most poetri, and piktorials, and novels, lie wuss than an east +wind; the fuller a man gits ov them over night, the more room thare iz +in him the next day, for sum more. + +John Smith, who had the transaction with Pokerhontas, had an immense +invoice ov boys; thare is 13 ov that name in our town this morning, +besides several who hav either died or gone to Denver Citty. + +Did it ever strike yu, Ezra, that death was one ov the most remarkable +things that could happen tew a man? + +A man may be ritch, and kno history just like slapjacks for breakfast, +and be handsum, able tew lift a ton without thinking, but death beats +awl these just as easy as biting crackers. + +Death seems tew be as far as a man can git; when a man aquires that +thoroughly, his ambishun seems tew be satisfied. + +One man can be ritcher, and lift more than another, but he kant be enny +more deader. + +I am glad thare is one thing in this world, that is enuff for man. + +Speaking ov man, Ezra, dew yu konsider him a suckcess yet, or has he +got tew try again? + +History has a good deal tew say about man, that don't allude tew his +suckcess. + +Adew, Ezra, + +Yures, full ov oats, + +JOSH BILLINGS. + + + + +XLI. + +ORPHAN CHILDREN. + + +Notoriety is the short glory a man gits, for doin what he ought to be +ashamed ov. + +God only knows how much merit wanders thro this life, sekurely hid bi +rays ov poverty; nor how much crime insolently wears the golden armor +ov wealth. + +I think thare is jest as much virtue in the world as thare is vise, +only it haint been bored for so mutch. + +A grate menny ov opinyuns, advanced bi the uncommon learned men +now-a-days, may be properly defined as dissolving views. + +It is strange, and it is melankolly true, that those men who spend +their time and talents in makin us happier, never gain mutch ov our +respekt. + +Thare is a grate menny people who kno jist enuff tew make a smudge, but +don't kno jist enuff tew clear it away. + +I don't know ov a more keen sarcasm, than a learned man listening +attentively tew a fool. + +The grate merit thare is in modesty, lies in the modesty thare is in +merit. + +Thare is 2 kinds ov hypokrasy: one tries tew appear better than it is, +and the other wuss than it is--one is a wolf in sheep's clothin, and +tother is a sheep in wolf's clothing. + +The hight an depth ov human wisdum, is tew kno oneself; but the human +heart kan never be known, only by the God who made it. + +I never hear a robin on the hiest lim he kan git, pouring out his +evening praise, but I am certain, that someboddy in Heaven is listenin. + +About the most originality that enny writer kan hope tew arrive at +honestly, now-a-days, is tew steal with good judgment. + +I was once asked bi a talkin cuss, "which i thought was really the +mostess happyness, the married or the single?" i sed tew him that in +many cases it was like trieing tew winter on injun meal or buckwheat +flour; before he had got half way thru, he would wish he had tried the +other. i don't kno whether he took my advise or not. + +In a match game (where both parties are marryin for money) aul side +bets are konsidered off--George Wilkes told me so. + +Poetry is as natral a disease tew the human family, as the winde +kolick, and in most cases what will cure one, will cure the other. + +How menny people thare are in this world who spend aul their lives in a +hole, and always back into that. + +The best way tew keep a secret, is tew forget it. + +I never knew a coward who was afraid tew lie. + +It is a curius fact that most everyboddy komplains ov their +misfortunes, and yet, thare ain't ennyboddy who has got the itch, or +salt rume bad, but what thinks his kind ov itch is a better kind than +his nabor's. + +Kompliments are like the frosting put on the top ov a cake, only +intended for ornament. + +If a man has got 375 thousand dollars, and is contented, he is +happy--"jess so." + +I don't serpose thare is enny sich thing as "time,"--time is a mere +parasite ov Eternity. + + + + +XLII. + +BILLINGS REPLIZE TEU CORRESPONDENTS. + + +"_Mary Ann._"--Your letter wuz duly received. I hasten teu reply. +Waterfalls are a ketching disseaze, but not fatal. They fust appear on +the back ov the hed, about the size ov a small geese's eggs, and gro az +big az a wasp's nest, and then they are ripe. They are kep in a pudding +bag, and fatted on black hoss hair. It is not considered enny +misfortune teu have this dizzease, unlest yu hav it small. If yu hav +escaped the dizzease thus far, I wouldn't contract it now; for thare +will be a new one ov some kind around in a fu days, that yu may like +better. In the mean time prepare yourself for the worst, for the Lord +only knows what will come next. + +"_Harrold._"--It will be impossible for me to give you a never-failing +recipee, how tew secure the affekshunes ov the opposite sex.--Grate +perseverance iz necessary, az yu are aware that young ladiz are highly +opposed to the married state. They are like their mothers in this +respeck. I would advise yu tew read the "Pilgrim's Progress." It will +sustane yu under yure trials. If yu kan spare enny time, i would advise +yu tew be very polite tew the young ladiz mother; thare iz nothing more +powerful; it is an evidence ov more good breeding, and it carrys the +mother kind ov back to the days when she had to suffer in the same +cruel way. After fighting the good fight for 6 or 7 years, you diskiver +that yure sweetheart is tew be married to another feller; you will ov +course secure an invitashun to the affair as pall bearer. This will pay +you fur the menny trieing seens you hav passed thru, and will also fit +yu fur the next deadly struggle. But if yu succeed in getting the +objeckt ov your affecshun; yu wil ov course be the only happy man in +the world; this iz the way it alwus effeckts folks. + +"_Unkle David._"--Got yure letter thru the intercession ov the post +office. Glad tew hear from you. Sorry tew hear that Aunt Sally has got +the biles: tell her to poultice them well--and trust in the Lord. Sorry +tew hear that Cousin Heber haz failed in bizziness; tell him tew play +smart--and trust in the Lord. Glad tew hear that Joe Osborne haz drawn +a prize in the lottery; tell him tew try it again--and trust in the +Lord. Sorry tew hear that Uncle Peter sold hiz corn for only 2 dollars +a bushel; tell him tew hang onto it next time--and trust in the Lord. + +"_Petroleum._"--I hav looked into the ile boring with grate anxiety, +and have satisfied miself that it is a good bore. If you git enny thing +in this world worth having, you have tew bore for it without mercy. Az +a general thing, the bigger the augur iz, the bigger the hole, unless +you bore into a mill pond. Menny people are satisfied in doing a +gimblet bizziness, and this shows good judgment. Yu never see a smart +and well to do squirrel that wants tew reside in a woodchuck's hole. +Animals are more sensible than humans; they don't bild a house they +kant fill. I am not at liberty tew tell yu what i dew think about iles +giving out, but i advise yu to bore at onst and keep at it, and if you +don't strike grease, you will have the satisfaction ov knowing that yu +hav made a hole. I am not half so anxious tew kno how much ile men are +a gitting, az i am tew kno that everybody iz a boring. Mi advise has +alwus bin, don't bore for enny ile--"stock." + + + + +XLIII. + +CHIPS FROM THE BUTT CUT OV WISDUM. + + +Just about in proportion that a woman bekums famous away from home, she +haz dun suthin she hadn't oughter. + + * * * * * + +I don't think it will pay enny man tew be poor jist for the sake ov +being a philosopher. + + * * * * * + +The sharpest men hav the fewest ideas, but, like the sun-glass, they +kan focus them quick, and the consequentz is, sumboddy gits burnt. + + * * * * * + +Them hosses who ackt just az though they waz agoin to run away awl the +time hardly ever do, but the dozy ones, when they do git started, kant +run fast enuff to suit them.--It is sum so with the human critters. + + * * * * * + +Ridicule iz the only successful persecution i kno ov. + + * * * * * + +Tew git at the full sublimity ov a wimmins right lekturer, go tew her +hum, and witness her old man striving to nuss their last baby, and +notis what a dredful sloppy job he makes ov it. + + * * * * * + +Avarice makes villins ov sum, and growling wretches ov all. + + * * * * * + +Philosophy iz the art ov making ourselfs happy, but yet i find 7 times +as mutch philosophy in the world az i do happiness. + + * * * * * + +Marrying for love iz postponed for the present; in the mean time Cupid +dips hiz arrows in petroleum and fires at brown stone fronts, just to +keep hiz hand in. + + * * * * * + +Pleazure iz just az natural az smelling; thare is az mutch joy in +sliding down hill by moonlight, on a barrel stave, az there is 40 years +afterwards, in bein principal stock-holder, and president ov a double +track ralerode. + + * * * * * + +We should make virtue our master, not our servant. + + * * * * * + +Pitty is the poorest beggar ov the whole lot. "Pitty the sorrows ov a +poor old man," iz a fust rate way tew hav the dogs set at you,--better, +a good deal, be a little sassy. + + * * * * * + +Generosity, az a general thing, haz more pride than kommon sense in it. + +Even truth haz a ridickilous side tew it, which it iz always trieing to +hide. + + * * * * * + +Sum people lose twice when they bet; they bet without enny pluck, and +lose without enny pluck. Yu kant kure laziness by bribery, nor shame; +the only way to kure it, is tew skare it. Laziness is one ov those kind +ov things that has no memory at all, and but an indifferent +reccollection. + + * * * * * + +"Early impreshuns are the most lasting"--the fust kiss, and the fust +licking, cum under this hed. + + * * * * * + +Reputashun is a good deal like a bond-fire, yu hav got tew keep pileing +on the shavings. If you don't the flame will soon subdew. + + * * * * * + +I was once asked if mi fourfathers was Englishmen. I told the +illiterate cuss, who propagated the question, that i didn't hav but one +father, and he was strictly ov the Massachewsetts purswashun. + + * * * * * + +Good wit iz sumthing like good luck,--the more soon and unexpekted it +iz, the better. + + + + +XLIV. + +ESSA ON SWINE. + + +Hogs generally are quadriped. + +The extreme length ov their antiquity haz never been fully discovered; +they existed a long time before the flood, and hav existed a long time +since. + +There iz a grate deal ov internal revenew in a hog, thare ain't mutch +more waste in them than thare iz in a oyster. + +Even their tails can be wurked up into whissells. + +Hogs are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat what iz set before them, +and don't ask enny foolish questions. + +They never hav enny disseaze but the meazles, and they never hav that +but once; once seems to satisfy them. + +Thare iz a grate menny breeds amongst them. + +Sum are a close corporation breed, and sum are bilt more apart, like a +hemlock slab. + +They used to hav a breed in New England, a few years ago, which they +called the _striped hog_ breed. This breed waz in high repute among the +landlords; almost evry tavern keeper had one, which he used tew show +tew travelers, and brag on him. + +Sum are full in the face, like a town clock, and some are az long and +lean az a cow-catcher, with a steel pinted noze on them. + +They kan awl rute well; a hog that kant rute well, haz bin made in +vain. + +They are a short lived animal, and generally die az soon az they git +fatt. + +The hog kan be larnt a grate menny cunning things, such az highsting +the front gate off from the hinges, tipping over the swill barrells, +and finding a hole in the fence to git into a cornfield, but thare +ain't enny length tew their memory; it iz awful hard work for them tew +find the same hole to git out at, espeshly if yu are at all anxious +they should. + +Hogs are very kontrary, and seldom drive well the same way yu are +going; they drive the most the other way; this haz never bin fully +explained, but speaks volumes for the hog. + + + + +XLV. + +ON SOWING MACHINES. + + +DEAR MORSE--I this morning had makrel for brekfast, and also yure +letter, enklosing a prospektus uv yure "Improved swivel stitch and back +action sowing masheen," and must say i am tickled tew deth with her. + +It strikes me that it must be equal tew a small drove uv nu milk cows +in a family. + +If the masheen iz only one quarter az good az the prospektus iz, yure +fortune iz az certain and lasting az the rocks. + +Don't hesitate tew send me one ov the masheens, and i will return the +prospektus. + +I hav now 3 sowing masheens on hand; one i hav had 24 years, the other +two about 20 & 18 years respektivly. + +The old masheen iz a gem, and will sow on a patch quicker than the hole +was made. + +The other two are smaller, and are halleluger itself on worsted work +and ornamental blister. + +I would part with the 2 younger ones if enny fust rate chance offered, +and furnish a prospektus that would beat the Song ov Solaman. + +Az for the old one, munny won't buy her. I intend to stick tew her till +evry thread breaks, for she iz wuth a dozen nu-fangled ones. + +I got her in Massachusetts, by the side ov the road, at the foot ov a +mountain, from a good old Baptiss deakon, who lived in a nice white +farm-hous, with green blinds and a hoss-block by the door, and a +pen-stock ov never failing water, and a wood pile as bigg az a straw +stack. + +The 2 little ones are on exhibishun now, at mi rooms. Kards ov admishun +can be prokured ov the proprietor bi presenting the proper vouchers. + +Full warrantees will be given with each masheen. + +Principals only delt with; no agent need apply. + +Again, dear Morse, I kant help but thank yu for yure prospektus--it iz +so limber and full ov good advise; but i kant help but say that if you +should see mi sowing masheens and see them at wurk, yu would tare up +yure prospektus in disgust, and either git one ov mi kind, or be +miserable till you did. + +Morse, fairwell. + +In the meantime, yures truli, + +JOSH BILLINGS. + + + + +XLVI. + +SUM ADVISE. + + +Mi yung friend, yu are about tew begin life, and altho it may seem +dredful impossibel tew yu, nevertheless yu will be liabel tew make sum +mistakes while yu are scoring, or during the fust mile or two. + +Let me mix up a little advise for yu tew take till yu git tew trotting +stiddy. + +Yu will observe the advise iz designed for yung gentlemen who show sum +sighns ov speed, and also that i reazon right from the shoulder. + +1. Treat the old man and the old woman as yure equals; smile when they +exhort, and laff when they intreat, for no yung man kan hope for +suckcess in ornamental walks ov life who don't wear the belt at home. + +2. If yu kant raize a mustash, commit suiside at once and begin agin; +for it iz better tew die than tew suffer disgrace. + +3. Cultivate impudense--impudense iz a good substitute for +bravery--only be a littel kerful tew pick yure customers when yu tri it +on. + +4. Keep a trotter and a fiteing rooster. Theze animals will let yu into +the konfidense ov men who will watch over yure morals and nuss yure +genius. + +5. Avoid the old fogys; they are a miserabel set ov cowardly croakers, +who, like a third-rate dorg, hav larnt what little they kno about +virtew bi simply being overmatched in a fair fight. + +6. Suspekt aul femail virtew. This will giv yu an eazy flow ov +ambiguous language while in the sosiety ov the ladys, and enabel yu tew +awake confusion, which yu kan kall sumthing else. + +7. If yu git desprait, and must marry, marry for ducats--marrying for +blud or for luv iz too sloppy for a man ov spirits. Luv iz a low +pashun, and iz designed for 2-story houses on one ov the back streets; +not for a brown stun front. + +8. Bi aul means learn to sware, chaw, and smoke freely, and don't ever +mistake rain water for milk punch, unless yu want a soft thing. + +9. Call religion a stock jobber's pidgeon to ketch flatts with; say +that virtew iz only the galvanized impotence ov cowards; that wisdum iz +but an egg that iz addled; laff at aul things that are sollum, and +sware that Backus and Venus are the only two gods fit tew be worshiped. + +Yung man, cultivate aul the abuv graces, and add tew them what the +ardor of yure genius may inspire, and if the hoss jockeys and pimps +generally don't say you are a cuss ov the brightest hue, and if the +devil don't make you sum flattering proposals, the days ov chivalry are +positively over, and pudding and milk haz got more glory into it than a +brandy smash, a rum sour, or even a thomas and jerry. + + * * * * * + +Yung man, (a fu words with yu in private,) let theze cheerful remarks +settle down into you when yu git tew reflekting at 12 o'clock sum rainy +nite. + +Don't make a phool of yureself by trieing tew jump 65 feet at one jump, +and land among the Berhoys at onst, but examine yure bild clussly and +see if yu ain't better konstrukted for sumthing honest. + +But if yu find that yu must go tew dispair, then put on aul the steam +yu kan carry, and either bust or git thare az soon az possibel. + +P.S.--When yu git thare, and hav had enuff ov it, just drop me a line, +and i will see what kan be did for yu. But don't forgit one thing--that +the road back iz 3 times az fur, and aul the way up hill besides. + + + + +XLVII. + +TAKE IT EAZY. + + +Yes, mi dear feller, do take it eazy. + +Don't fret, don't foam; yu kant take thought an be an inch bigger; yu +kant ketch lightning, however yu try; then do take it eazy. + +If yu would be ritch, _only be good_, and then take it eazy. + +If yure lady-love is coy, do take it eazy, for like a wild colt, by and +by will she cum and lay her hed in the halter. + +Joys ever are fu, the evening ov yure daze may be long, and oil you +will want for yure twilite lamp; then waste not in fury what will last +yu till the wick burns out, if yu will only take it eazy. + +If yu would see the pitfalls that Satan is digging, if yu would be more +than a match for envy and malice, if yu would show no blind side for +reproach, chew awl things well, and then take it eazy. + +Take it eazy, and the snowflakes ov sorrow will melt az they fall; +melankolly will laff when she meets yu, poverty's bundle will be light, +and awl yure songs will hav a sweet chorus. + +Take it eazy; natur don't fret; seedtime and harvest are a sure thing; +the bud, then the leaf; the flower, then the fruit; the lilys don't +fret; then, mi dear feller, do take it eazy. + +Take it eazy, _only be good_, and az each nu milestun bi the side ov +yure Jordan tells that the grate sity iz nearer, and not fur away, will +yure hearte gro lighter, and yure faith gro stronger, airth will look +less, and heaven will look bigger; yes, mi dear feller, do, do take it +eazy. + + + + +XLVIII. + +JOSH CORRESPONDS. + + +_Percy._--Did yu ever ride in the cars on a raw day, and have a +mountaineer dive in from some cord wood station, and, taking a seat +next in front ov yu, rush the window up, and half freeze yure liver +out? + +(If yu answer this question, don't fail tew say yes, or no.) + +Didn't yu feel az tho yu would like to help to pitch the red-necked and +tobacco-chawing curse out ov the windo? + +(If yu answer this question, don't fail to say yes.) + +But it iz no use tew plead with them; they must hav sum more north +wind. + +If yu should shut one ov these human refrigerators up in a 10-acre lot, +and put the bars up tight, he would rave around till he tore down a +pannel ov the fence, to let sum more fresh air into the lot. + +When a half civilized humin critter wants enny thing, he wants it just +az bad az a bear duz, and generally takes it in the same way. + +_Bulwer._--Yu are right about it; the elektive telegraph iz verry +kuriss. But did it ever ockur tew yu, in the solitude ov yure midnite +hour, or when yu waz turning grindstone, or by the side ov the road, or +the down hill ov life, or by the good old Moses, that the nerves waz +the telegraff wires ov the humin boddy? + +If this never haz ockured to yu, yure edikashun haz either bin tew +mutch Latin, or else yu hav bin kept in a back lot, ware thare want +mutch going on. + +I tell yu that dispatches are flieing all the time from the 2 main +offices, one ov which iz lokated in the hed, and the other of which iz +in the stummuk. + +The stummuk inquires, "When dinner will be reddy?" and iz told bi the +branch offiss, at the noze, "in 20 minnitts." + +The bigg toe learns from the operator at the stummuk offiss that "mock +turtles and terrapins iz cumming in fast, and that old Gout may be +expekted in a fu daze." + +The head inquires ov the noze, "What yu blowing about?" + +Answer, "Wet feet." + +The eyes wants tew kno ov the stummuk, "What they shall do to stop +running?" + +Stummuk growls back, "Dam yure ize!" + +Head sees sudden stars, and feels the shock ov an arthquake; telegraffs +awl over the boddy for an explanation; gits the following dispatch, +after a while, from one of the lower offices: "Been down hard on the +ice." + +Friend Bulwer, in the remarks ov the poet, I hold "that we are truly +and wonderfully made." + +_Lager._--Yure inquiry iz eazily dispozed ov. Lager Beer iz not +intoxikating. A man bi the name ov Laubenheimersmitt, who keeps a +saloon, told me so. He sed he had one ov the little barrells in him at +that time, and waz aktually suffering for a drouth. I think he iz a man +who kan be depended upon, for he showed me a bolona sarsage, which he +sed had bin in the family 67 years. It waz aul kivvered with wrinkles. +He sed it had a nu wrinkle each year, like a kow's horn. I asked him on +what prinsipals the bolona sarsage waz bilt? he sed he couldn't tell +me, that thare hadn't bin enny nu ones bilt for menny years, on account +of the grate demand for hosses on the canal. + +_Augustus._--Art haz improved natur, but whether sivilizashun haz +improved moruls az mutch, I woodent like tu tell. Natur iz verry +lucksuriant, and that iz what's the matter ov her. She iz like a +punkin-vine, (grows without mercy,) and wood grow without punkins tew, +but art kurbs the extravagunce, and makes the vines "sum punkins." +Moruls ain't lucksuryant; they woodent be haff a crop if it wan't for +sivilization; but like other things that are forced, they are made tu +yeald so mutch, that the tree soon runs tu follyage and tawp, and don't +bair mutch plums. I don't think the wirld haz got enny sivilizashun tew +spare, but i dew think she haz got more than she kan manige well. I +beleave in sivilizashun terribley; i wood like tu see even bares and +woolfs and wildkats sivilizyed; but if sivilizashun only makes their +hare softer, and only makes them growl less lowder, but makes their +teeth sharper and their klaws longer, i think i like the heethen bare, +for a steddy playmait, full az well az i dew the Christian bare. + + + + +XLIX. + +THEM GOOD OLD DAZE. + +AS LONGED FOR BY JOSH BILLINGS. + + +How i dew long (once in a whyle) for them good old daze. + +Them daze when the sun didn't rise before brekfast. + +Them daze when thare waz more fun in 30 cents than thare is now in 7 +dollars and a half. + +Them daze when a man marrid 145 pounds ov woman, and less than 9 pounds +(awl told) ov ennything else. + +How i dew long for them good old daze, when edukashun only konsissted +in what a man did well. + +Them daze when deakons waz az austear az hoss radish, and ministers +preached tew men's soals instead of their pockets. + +Them daze when pollyticks was the excepshun, and honesty the rule. + +How i dew long for them good old daze when lap-dorgs and wett nusses +warn't known, and when brown bred and baked-goose made a good dinner. + +Them daze when a man who want bizzy was watched, and when wimmin spun +only that kind ov yarn that was good for the darning ov stockings. + +How i dew long for them good old daze when now and then a gal baby was +called Jerusha, and a boy want spilte if he was named Jerrymiah. + +Aul yee who hav tried the feathers and fuss ov life, who hav had the +codfish ov wealth, without sense, stuck under yure noze, cum beneath +this tree, and long for an hour with me, for them good old daze when +men were ashamed tew be fools, and wimmin were fraid tew be flirts. + +N.B.--They used tew maik a milk punch in them daze too, that was very +handy tew take. + + + + +L. + +A HUM TRANSACTION. + + +Mrs. Billings lately becum helpless. + +This kalamity was so well published, that the door bel ov the house waz +kept on a titter for a week, with "_out ov place_," "Bridgets," +"Margarets," and "Matildys." + +From so profuse a crop, it was difficult tew select; each one had a +karakter, that would hav lasted an economikal person for life, and each +one was az demure az if they were about to take the veil. + +They could all bile, and stew--hash, and frigasee, wash, mend, and +iron, bake, bru, and starch--in fackt they were perfecktly elaborate, +in aul cook and laundry doings, and _never staid out ov nights_. + +For sum reason, (bless the ladys, they never dew ennything without a +good reason,) a prodigious emerald selekshun was made from the +applicants, happy in the immaculate prefix ov Mary, a queen among pots +and kittles, soups, gravy, and compounds. + +She could do evrything! + +She could sweep without disturbing enny dust; she could bile a dumplin +so light, az almost tew disfranchise the long cherished principle ov +gravitashun; in fackt, if it was safe tew bet on her, she was a +fust-klass kitchin, within a kitchen; "_ne plus ultra_," _a bonny fide_ +"_Eureka_,"--the last one out. + +She was sworn in, with the usual serimony ov pinteing out the ways and +means, the kittles, and closets, the coal, and cesspool, the pump, and +bred tickets, and lots ov other things, in the matter ov nails for this +rag, and rags for that nail. + +The dinner tew be got up was quite ordnary, and Mrs. Billings, willing +tew levy but a light tax upon the almost omniscient cook genius ov the +accomplished Mary, suggested for sass, that most simple az well az most +agreeable ov aul wheaten kompounds, known amung fluent housewifes, az a +"minnit puddin." + +"Ah, mum, it will plaze yee's to see me be after makin the puddin." + +The mistick hour iz clus at hand, when the platter iz tew smoke in the +senter ov the snowy damask; a gentle tap iz herd at the parler door; +the glistening Mary relates the vicktory ov meat and vegatables below, +and with a plezant pride nestling in her ize, in virgin innocense, +asks: + +"_Now mum, pleze, whare dew yu keep yure minits?_" + +P.S.--Comment seems tew be almoste unnecessary--but perhaps it will be +safe tew add, that, if "ignorance iz bliss," Irish cooks must be the +verry broth ov happiness. + + + + +LI. + +MILK, WHISKEE AND BEER. + + +MILK. + +I want tew say sumthing, ("_in petto_.") + +I want tew say sumthing, ("_entre nous_,") in reference to milk az a +ferterlizer. + +Milk is spontaneous, ("_semper paratus_,") and haz did more tew +encourage the growth ov the humin folks, ("_en passant_") than enny +other liquid. + +Milk iz lakteal, ("_bizarre_;") it iz also aquatick, while under the +patronage ov milk venders, ("_errare humanum est_.") + +Milk iz also misterious, ("_Le mot d'énigme_,") cokernut milk haz never +bin solved yet. + +Milk iz also another name for humin kindness, ("_comme il faut_.") + +Milk and bred is a plesant mixtur. + +So iz milk and rum ("_Bonne bouche_") mellow tew contend with in a hot +day, ("_multum in parvo_") ("_id est_," "_multum_" rum, "_in parvo_" +milk.) + +Sumtimes, if milk iz allowed tew stand too long, ("_statu quo_,") a +skum arizes tew the surface, ("_passim_,") which iz apt tew skare folks +who live in citys, but it dus not foller, ("_non sequitur_,") that the +milk iz nasty; this skum iz called cream bi folks who inhabit the +kuntry, ("_magnus Apollo_.") + +Cream iz the parent ("_pater familias_") ov butter, and butter iz 45 +cents a pound, ("_ora pro nobis_.") + +The most common milk in use, without doubt, ("_sans doute_") iz skim +milk; skim milk iz made bi skinning the milk, ("_inter nos_,") this iz +considered sharp praktiss, ("_coup de main_.") + +Milk iz obtained from cows, hogs, woodchucks, sheep, squirrels, rats, +and awl other animals that wear hair. Snakes and geese don't discharge +milk, ("_lusus naturæ_.") + +I forgot tew state in conclusion, ("_ultima Thule_,") that cow milk, if +it iz well watered, brings 10 cents per quart, ("_Quod avertat Deus_.") + + +WHISKEE. + +Whiskee iz the grate Amerikan bevridge. + +It iz the granddaddy ov awl our licker. + +Evrything that haz a good reliable drunk in it, iz at least couzin tew +Whiskee or old Rie. + +Whiskee haz done a grate deal for this kuntry, in the way ov +penitentiary homes, and houses for the poor, and i suppose, if it want +for whiskee, theze houses would aktually hav tew shut up. + +They tell me that a bushell ov korn will make a gallon ov whiskee, and +sum people, who are acquainted with statisticks, say, that a barrell ov +whiskee will go further in a family, than a cow. I don't know exactly +how fur a cow would go in a family, but i should think it would be +eazier tew milk a barrell ov whiskee than a cow--still i hain't never +figured on it, and it iz only guess-work with me. + +A gentleman who haz travelled extensively thru the western states, sez +that vast quantitys ov korn are raized thare, which iz made into +whiskee, tew say nothing ov what iz annually wasted for bred. He sez +thare iz lots ov people out west, who are better judges ov whiskee than +they are ov water, and that you might easily phool them with poor +water, but you couldn't with poor whiskee. They hav made whiskee a +specialty aul their lives, and they kan't even go tew church Sundays, +without a bottle ov it in their pockets. (I think he must hav lied when +he made this last statement.) + +In my honest opinyun, whiskee is seckund only tew original sin; it is +the mill stun, hung upon the neck ov poor degraded humin nature, and if +the devil was allowed leave ov absence for six months, tew visit this +earth, the fust thing he would do, would be to lobby our legislatures +for a repeal ov the excise laws, and then invest his pile in gin mills. + +But since whiskee haz got into this world, I don't think it kan be got +out, enny more than small pox kan, but it kan be made komparitively +harmless, in the same way, and only in the same way, and that iz by +constant vaccination. * * * * + + +BEER. + +I hav finally cum tew the konclusion, that _lager beer_ iz not +intoxikatin. + +I hav been told so bi a german, who sed he had drank it aul nite long, +just tew tri the experiment, and was obliged tew go home entirely sober +in the morning. I hav seen this same man drink sixteen glasses, and if +he was drunk, he was drunk in german, and noboddy could understand it. +It iz proper enuff tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer saloon, +and could have no object in stating what want strictly thus. + +I beleaved him tew the full extent ov mi ability. I never drank but 3 +glasses ov lager beer in mi life, and that made my hed untwist, as tho +it was hung on the end ov a string, but i was told that it was owing +tew my bile being out ov place, and I guess that it was so, for I never +biled over wuss than i did when I got home that nite. Mi wife was +afrade i was agoing tew die, and i was almoste afrade i shouldn't, for +it did seem az tho evrything i had ever eaten in mi life, was cuming +tew the surface, and i do really beleave, if mi wife hadn't pulled oph +mi boots, just az she did, they would have cum thundering up too. + +Oh, how sick i was! it was 14 years ago, and i kan taste it now. + +I never had so much experience, in so short a time. + +If enny man should tell me that lager beer was not intoxikating, i +should beleave him; but if he should tell me that i want drunk that +nite, but that my stummuk was only out ov order, i should ask him tew +state over, in a few words, just how a man felt and akted when he was +well set up. + +If i want drunk that nite, i had sum ov the moste natural simptoms a +man ever had, and keep sober. + +In the fust place, it was about 80 rods from whare i drank the lager, +tew my house, and i was over 2 hours on the road, and had a hole busted +thru each one ov mi pantaloon kneeze, and didn't hav enny hat, and +tried tew open the door by the bell-pull, and hickupped awfully, and +saw evrything in the room tryin tew git round onto the back side ov me, +and in setting down onto a chair, i didn't wait quite long enuff for it +tew git exactly under me, when it was going round, and i sett down a +little too soon, and missed the chair by about 12 inches, and couldn't +git up quick enuff tew take the nex one when it cum, and that ain't +aul; mi wife said i was az drunk az a beast, and az i sed before, i +begun tew spit up things freely. + +[Illustration: Josh Billings is satisfied that lager-beer as a drink is +not intoxicating; but having indulged rather freely one day, he finds +it difficult, when he sits down, "to catch the chair as it comes +round."--_See page 169._] + +If lager beer iz not intoxikating, it used me almighty mean, that i +kno. + +Still i hardly think lager beer iz intoxikating, for i hav been told +so, and i am probably the only man living, who ever drunk enny when his +bile want plumb. + +I don't want tew say ennything against a harmless tempranse bevridge, +but if i ever drink enny more it will be with mi hands tied behind me, +and mi mouth pried open. + +I don't think lager beer iz intoxikating, but if i remember right, i +think it tastes to me like a glass with a handle on one side ov it, +full ov soap suds that a pickle had bin put tew soak in. + + + + +LII. + +PLUCK. + + +Pluck, tew be ov mutch value, wants tew be instant. + +I hav seen plenty ov men who was anxious tew fite an elephant--six +miles oph. + +How menny ov us hav had our pluck cum tew us next day, and then it want +ov enny more use tew us than an epitaff iz tew a ded man. + +Pluck iz a normal virtue, and may be made a shining one, az it iz only +the tuff substances that will take, and hold a good polish. + +I hav seen men who was aul pluck, and nothing else; they are like +chestnutt burs, alwus reddy, but only fit for one thing, and that iz +not to touch. + +Thare iz a pluck that dares tew do nothing but what iz right, and +always dares tew do that; this iz pluck built upon reason, and iz +virtue enuff for enny one man. + + + + +LIII. + +FREE LOVE. + + +I beleaf in free fights, espeshila amung cats and doggs. + +I beleaf in free rides--on a gate. + +I beleaf in freedum for evry slave on arth. + +But _free love_ iz one ov them kinds ov fredum, that it don't do tew be +limber with. + +If this world was the gardin ov Edin, and full ov Adam and Eve, az they +was when they was fust launched, then i kan imagine it might do for sum +other Adam to hold mi Eve on his lap, and talk about his affinitee, and +spiritoal essence, and play lamb. + +In them daze, thare want no humin natur, it was all God natur. + +Humin natur has bin soaked so mutch sinse, it has got tew weak tew be +trusted in a lot whare the feed iz poor, nex tew a meddo, without mutch +fence between nor enny poke on. + +_Free love_ wants more poke than enny other animal. + +I don't believe in total depravity--unless a man has a good chance. + +_Free love_ iz a good deal like drinking 6 shilling gin for a bevridge. +Bevridge iz a Chinese word, and means cussidness. + +Aul the _free love_ i hav witnessed thus far, has existed between a +villainous letcher on one side, and lunatick virtue on the other side, +that had bin deoderized out ov its truth, and had lost aul ov its +modesty, and shame, in hunting after a condishun, whare sin ceazed tew +be a crime. + +The fust free lover we hav enny akount ov, was the devil. + + + + +LIV. + +FAST MEN. + + +I hav alwus loved "Fast men;" not those who are _fast_ in their morals, +but the sudden kind, those who think fast, and ackt fast. + +I never knu a verry slow Amerikan who amounted tew ennything. + +Put a man onto an island, (like Nova Scosha,) and he will learn how tew +be slow; it iz like chaining a bull tarrier tew a post; after a while +he will just straighten the chain, that's all. + +But on a Hemispheer like ours, even mud turkles learn how tew show a +good gait. + +Whare natur setts the exampel, whare she iz vast, and magestick, men +soon git in the habit ov reckoning bi the millyuns, and a man ain't +enny more apt tew make a big mistake, than he iz a small one; thare iz +more game mist at 100 feet, than thar iz at 100 yards. + +Fast men make most ov the blunders that are made; but they also make +most ov the good hits that are made. + +It don't hurt mi feelings (occasionally) tew hear that a man has fell +his whole length, and even ploughed up the ground whare he struck, for +then i kno he couldn't hav bin standing still, nor hanging onto +sumboddy's picket fence. + +Methusila lived a 1000 years, but i serpose he could hav seen aul he +saw, and dun aul he did in 5 years, if he had lived in New York city. + +I never knu a peace ov machinery tew prove a failure bekause it was tew +fast; and who iz thare who has ever turned one bi hand, that has not +wept for joy tew see a grindstone git round 500 times in a minnitt, +driven bi steam? + +Fast men sumtimes kollide, but experience has proved that it iz better +for a locomotiff tew strike a rock at 40 miles an hour, than at 15, for +at 40 miles the _rock_ may be displased, but at 15 the locomotiff iz +sartin tew be. + +I alwus did think well ov the konneticut vagrant, who was confined in +the poor house bekauze he hadn't ennything tew do, and hearing ov a +basswood shoe-peg spekulashun, that was raging outside, broke out ov +the poor-house, and made 1500 dollars before they could ketch him. + +"Life iz short," and this iz one grate reason whi it ought tew be fast. + + + + +LV. + +JOSH REPLIES TO ONE OF HIS CORRESPONDENTS. + + +"_Benvolio._"--In writing for yu an analasiss ov the frog, i must +confess that i hav coppied the whole thing, "verbatus ad liberating," +from the works ov a selebrated French writer on natural history, ov the +16th sentry. + +The frog iz, in the fust case, a tadpole, aul boddy and tail, without +cuming tew a head. + +He travels in pond holes, bi the side ov the turnpike, and iz +accellerated bi the acktivity ov his tail, which wriggles with uncommon +limberness and vivacity. Bi and bi, pretty soon, before long, in a few +daze, his tail iz no more, and legs begin to emerge from the south end +ov the animal, and from the north end, at the same time, may be seen a +disposition tew head out. + +In this cautious way the frog iz built, and then for the fust time in +his life, begins tew git his head abuv water. + +His success iz now certain, and soon, in about five daze more, he may +be seen sitting down on himself bi the side ov the pond hole, and +looking at the dinner baskets ov the children on their way tew the +distrikt skoolhous. + +Az the children cum more nearer, with a club or chunk ov a brickbat in +his hand tew swott him with, he rares up on his behind leggs, and +enters the water, head fust, without opening the door. + +Thus the frog duz bizzness for a spell ov time, until he gits tew be +21, and then his life iz more ramified. + +Frogs hav 2 naturs, ground and water, and are az free from sin az an +oyster. + +I never knu a frog tew hurt ennyboddy who paid his honest dets and took +the NEW YORK WEEKLY. + +I don't reckoleckt now whether a frog has enny before leggs or not, and +if he don't, it ain't enny boddy's bizzness but the frog's. + +Their hind leggs are used for refreshments, but the rest ov him won't +pay for eating. + +A frog iz the only person who kan live in a well, and not get tired. + +The bull-frog iz the boss ov the mud puddle, and has a log tew sit on, +over on the other side ov the puddle, and talks tew the rest ov the +frogs away down in his throat, so that yu kan't understand more than +half what he sez; he iz generally a cross and lazy old devil, all over +warts. + +This iz aul thare iz worth knowing now about the frog, except that they +ketch flize during fli time, and winter on nothing, by freezing up +solid.' + +P.S.--I hav endeavored tew translate mi author cluss, but it iz tuff +tew render aul his butiz intu our tung, without bursting the sense. + + + + +LVI. + +HUMAN HAPPINESS. + + +Human happyness being a subject that interests most persons, and having +never bin writ upon bi enny boddy else, i thought i would write upon it +immediately. + +But fu ever git tew be happy, for the reazon they try so hard. + +_Comfort_ in this world is about awl that mortals kan expect; +_happyness_ has bin reserved, bi an all wise Providence, for futur use. + +Those who are the most happy appear tew kno it the least; in fact, +happyness seems tew consist in not knowing it. + +The best way i kno ov tew be happy is not tew want enny thing till yu +hav got it, and then be saving of it. + +Pudding and milk is a good thing tew git happy on, but too mutch +pudding and milk, even, will worry a man. + +The most happy individual i ever knu had no under garment, and he +probably would have remained happy, until his back had wore out, if the +Femail Billingsville sowing society had not furnished him a cotton +seclusion for hiz body, and got him riled up, bekauze the collar tew +the seclusion want starched stiff enuff. + +It iz a verry dangerous peace ov bizzness tew interfere with enny man's +private plans, for hiz own partiklar happyness, (or partiklar misery,) +upon the same principle, that it iz a verry dangerous enterprise to +pull a thorn out ov a mule's hind leg, and dodge the kick. + +Awl human hapness iz conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding +down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don't serpoze thare +would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long. + +A verry large share ov our happiness iz derived from anticipation; i +kan rekoleckt now ov having tremenjus fun, years ago, in the western +wilderness, hunting bees, and also hav a lively reminiscence ov gitting +awfully stung, when i found the bees. + +Upon the whole, after weighing the matter camly, i hav cum tew the +sanguine konklusion, that the hight ov human happyness in this life, +consists in being unhappy, and not kno it. + + + + +LVII. + +PHILOSOPHEE OV THE BILLINGS FAMILEE, + +AS SOT DOWN BI JOSH. + + +I pray you, never seem tew want enny thing. + +If you hav not got even a wheelbarrow, talk with grate ease about a +horse and carriage. + +If you are caught with a rent in yure coat, be az mutch serprised at +first as he who diskovers it, (a rent iz but the episode ov a moment,) +but do not be mortified, even if he iz curious. + +If questioned about yure ansesstors, remember that the further back you +go, the more safely you may lay yure claims--you had just az menny +relashuns in Knower's ark, az enny body kan show. + +Eat puddin and milk simply becaus it is healthy. Hire a back seat in +the church, so az tew be the first out, in kase ov fire. + +Your wife and children never look so well tew you, az in a "shillin a +yard." + +If spoken ov for offiss, take notiss ov this or that growin evil; +suggest no plan; wear a careful plaster over your mouth, and talk about +the capasity and integrity of yure opponent--if beaten, praze the right +ov suffrage, publickly, but dam the whole plan, privately, as mutch az +you are a mind to. + +If you would borry a sum ov munny, ask for it as you would for a +yesterday's nuzpaper. + +If invited tew dinner--hessitate, but yield upon reflekshun, remarkin, +"that yure own table is provided with oysters, and needs no carver." + +Make az menny frends as you kan--never, but as a last resort, use one. + +Always sing, for thus you may get the envy ov the world, while yure +tears would seek in vain for their pity. + +Live in the world az one ov its most familyer people, but really hav +but little to do with it. + +Never argu, and never be convinced. + +But chiefly, never want ennything; for thus you giv tung tew yure +poverty. + +Menny a man haz died rich, and ben kalled wize, by simply holding hiz +tung. + +When you are asked tew admirate an equipage, dew it warmly, but suggest +that you never indulge in horses, on akount ov their liability tew +glanders. + +If you are poor, ask Alexander tew stand out ov your sunshine. If you +are rich, ask him tew stand in it. + +Dew not envy ennything on arth, not even a man's virtues, for them you +kan git az well az he. + +Talk familiarly ov wealth--deceave every one but yourself. + +Never show the world mutch ov yure hart; keep that for Him who made it, +and knose its impulses. + +N.B.--This philosophee has made the Billings family what they am. + + + + +LVIII. + +AMERIKANS. + + +Amerikans love caustick things; they would prefer turpentine tew +colone-water, if they had tew drink either. + +So with their relish of humor; they must hav it on the half-shell with +cayenne. + +An Englishman wants hiz fun smothered deep in mint sauce, and he iz +willin tew wait till next day before he tastes it. + +If you tickle or convince an Amerikan yu hav got tew do it quick. + +An Amerikan luvs tew laff, but he don't luv tew make a bizzness ov it; +he works, eats, and haw-haws on a canter. + +I guess the English hav more wit, and the Amerikans more humor. + +We havn't had time, yet, tew bile down our humor and git the wit out ov +it. + +The English are better punsters, but i konsider punning a sort ov +literary prostitushun in which futur happynesz iz swopped oph for the +plezzure ov the moment. + +Thare iz one thing i hav noticed: evryboddy that writes expeckts tew be +wize or witty--so duz evrybody expect tew be saved when they die; but +thare iz good reason tew beleave that the goats hereafter will be in +the majority, just az the sheep are here. + +Don't forget _one_ thing, yu hav got tew be wize before yu kan be +witty; and don't forget _two_ things, a single paragraff haz made sum +men immortal, while a volume haz bin wuss than a pile-driver tew +others--but what would Amerikans dew if it want for their sensashuns? + +Sumthing new, sumthing startling iz necessary for us az a people, and +it don't make mutch matter what it iz--a huge defalkashun--a red +elephant--or Jersee clams with pearls in them will answer if nothing +better offers. + +Englishmen all laff at us for our sensashuns, and sum ov them fret +about it, and spred their feathers in distress for us, az a fond and +foolish old hen, who haz hatched out a setting ov ducks' eggs, will +stand on the banks ov a mill pond, wringing her hands in agony to see +her brood pitch in and take a sail. _She_ kant understand it, but the +_Ducks_ know awl about it. + +N.B.--Yu kan bet 50 dollars the Ducks know all about it. + +N.B.--Yu kan bet 50 dollars more that it makes no difference who +hatches out an Amerikan, the fust thing he will do, iz to pitch into +sumthin. + +N.B.--No more bets at present. + + + + +LIX. + +JOSH CLEANS OUT HIS PIGEON-HOLE OF CORRESPONDENTS. + + +_Iowa._--Don't press the matter tew mutch. The only way to heal a gal +ov the "wonts," is tew git her wonted, and then stampede things +briskly. + +_Sharpley._--The best cure i knu ov fur tite boots is small feet. + +_Wisconsin._--Yu ask me "how fur the Hudson River runs up?" i hasten +tew state that the Hudson River don't run up at all. + +_Jerry._--Yu are sound on this espeshall goose, when yu say "that yu +have diskovered poker tew be an unsertin game;" but, Jerry, let me tell +yu how tew reduse it tew a sertinty. 5 aces will alwus beat 4 aces and +a king; it will dew it in any kind ov a game. + +_Albany._--i kant tell yu what the usual life insurance rate is; +perhaps Andy Johnson kan tell yu; he has bin lately reinsured, his +polisy having about run out. + +_Ezra._--Noboddy but a phool would try tew hold a bull bi the tail; and +yet Ezra, mi dear unknown frend, how menny ov us take just as foolish a +holt on evrything. + +_Mike._--It aint necessary that a prayer, tew be good, should be very +long or very loud, i hav used one like this fur the last 4 years, and +it suits me: "O Lord! visit mi heart fust, mi head next, and mi +pocket-book last." + +_Mason._--"Man wants but little here belo" may hav bin true when it wos +fust ritten, but ever since the war he wants aul he kan lay his claws +on. + +_Byron._--I read yure poem carefully. it won't anser. it is tew mutch +longer than it is wide. Poetry is a good deal like a clothes-line, very +apt tew spred lengthways if at all. Most evryboddy, sumtime during +their lives, has the poetry ailment, jist as they hav the teeth cut, +but one teeth cutting satisfies evryboddy but the phools. + +_Dunkirk._--Yu tell me "that yu hav konkluded tew lead an arkadian +life;" the arkadians are a clever sett ov phellers in the lump; i lived +with them 7 years onst in mi life, but they got into the habit ov +dipping their bread into the pork grease, tew save butter, and then i +quit the arkadians. + +_Abigall._--Bonnets kontinue tew be worn yet; the present stile is +about the size ov a kold bukwheat kake; feathers are not so much worn +this spring, on akount ov the grate supply ov bob-tailed roosters in +the kuntry. + +_Lizzy._--The gentleman yu inquire about is a bachelor in full +communion bi profession; his habits fur honesta is good; he pays cash +for his whiskey and billyards. + +_Farmer._--i kant tell yu how much oats it is best tew plant on an +aker, but i think, at a ruff guess, 15 or 20 bushels would be a grate +plenty. i never had but 7 years' chance at farming, but if mi memory +serves me right, (and i never caught her in a lie,) rye must be a good +krop tew raise, for old rye sells now quick for 6 or 7 dollars a +gallond. + +_Pelham._--No notice will be took, (from this date hereafterwards) ov +letters that hain't got a postage-stamp onto them. + +Don't write only on one side ov the manuscript, and don't write mutch +onto that. + +Don't send a manuscript, unless yu kan read it yureself, after it gits +dry. + +We pay, aul the way up hill, from 10 cents tew one dollar for +contribushuns, ackording tew heft. + +Aul settlements made promptly at the end ov the next ensuing year. + +Poetry and prose pieces respectively serlicited. + +The highest market price paid for awful railrode smashes, and +elopements with another man's wife. + +No swareing aloud in our paper. + +Yure article on "frogs" is received. + +It made me laff like lightning. + + + + +LX. + +JOSH CHAWS HIS CUD. + + +Earthli glory is sum like potatoze on very ritch sile,--top +plenty,--tater skase. + + * * * * * + +It aint so much trouble tew _git_ ritch, as it is tew tell when we hav +_got_ ritch. + + * * * * * + +The most bitter sarkasm sleeps in silent words. + + * * * * * + +It is unkommon hard tew annihilate a man with words,--altho it is often +undertook. + + * * * * * + +Hope is evryboddy's handmaid--she is a sli coquet and promises menny +favors, but grants only a fu, and them are badly diskounted. + + * * * * * + +If yu want tew git at the circumference ov a man, examine him among +men,--but if yu want tew get at his aktual diameter, meazure him at his +fireside. + + * * * * * + +Thare is nothing so difficult tew hide as our follys. + + * * * * * + +Thare seems tew be 4 styles ov mind,-- + +1st, them who know it _iz_ so! + +2d, them who know it _aint_ so! + +3d, them who split the diffrence, and guess at it! + +4th, them who don't care a darn which way it is! + + * * * * * + +Thare is but few men who hav karackter enuff tew lead a life ov +idleness. + + * * * * * + +True Love is spelt just the same in Choctaw, as it is in English. + + * * * * * + +Thoze who retire from the world on akount ov its sin and peskyness, +must not forgit that they hav got tew keep kompany with a person who +wants just as much watching as ennyboddy else. + + * * * * * + +Buty that don't make a woman vain makes her very butiful. + + * * * * * + +A puppy plays with evry pup he meets, but old dorgs hav but fu +associates. + + * * * * * + +He who buys what he kant want, will ear long want what he kant buy. + + * * * * * + +It kosts a good deal tew be wise, but it don't kost ennything tew be +happy. + + * * * * * + +Necessity begot Invenshun, Invenshun begot Convenience, Convenience +begot Pleasure, Pleasure begot Luxury, Luxury begot Riot and Disease, +Riot and Disease, between them, begot Poverty, and Poverty begot +Necessity again,--this is the revolushun ov man, and is about aul he +kan brag on. + +Power either makes a man a tyrant, or a tool. + + * * * * * + +Thare is no such thing as flattery,--if commendashun is deserved, it is +no flattery, but truth, and if commendashun is undeserved, it is not +flattery, but slander. + + * * * * * + +"Man was kreated a little lower than the Angels,"--and it is lucky for +the said Angels that he was. + + * * * * * + +"The luxury ov grief!"--this, i take it, means tew hav yure old unkle +die, and leave yu $9000, and yu cry. + + * * * * * + +"Love lies bleeding!"--this is probably one ov the bludiest lies that +ever was told. + +[Illustration: The artist here represents NEATNESS [when carried too +far] as a Roman Warrior, armed with every symbol of house-cleaning +apparatus, and waging war upon all unoffending people who are not +willing to have their apartments thoroughly cleaned every day.--_See +page 193._] + + + + +LXI. + +MONOGRAFFS. + + +THE NEAT PERSON. + +Neatness, in my opinyun, iz one ov the virtews. I hav alwus konsidered +it twin sister to chastity. But while I almost worship neatness in +folks, i hav seen them who did understand the bizzness so well az tew +acktually make it fearful tew behold. I hav seen neatness that want +satisfied in being a common-sized virtew, but had bekum an ungovernable +pashun, enslaving its possesser, and making everyboddy uneazy who kum +in kontackt with it. + +When a person finds it necessary to skour the nail heds in the cellar +stairs evry day, and skrub oph the ducks' feet in hot water, it iz then +that neatness haz bekum the tyrant of its viktim. + +I hav seen individuals who wouldn't let a tired fly light on the wall +paper ov their spare room enny quicker than they would let a dog mix up +the bread for them, and who would hunt a single cockroach up stairs and +down until his leggs were wore oph clear up to his stummuk but what +they would hav him. I kan't blame them for being a little lively with +the cockroach, for i don't like cockroaches miself--espeshily in mi +soup. + +Thare iz no persons in the world who work so hard and so eternally az +the vicktims ov extatick neatness; but they don't seem tew do mutch +after all, for they don't get a thing fairly cleaned to their mind +before the other end ov it gits dirty, and they fall tew scrubbling it +awl over agin. + +If you should shut one ov these people up in a hogshead, they would +keep bizzy scouring all the time, and would clean a hole right thru the +side ov the hogshed in less than 3 months. + +They will keep a whole house dirty the year round cleaning it, and the +only peace the family can hav iz when mother iz either bileing soap or +making dip kandles. + +They rize before daylight, so az to begin scrubbing early, and go tew +bed before dark for fear things will begin tew git dirty. These kind ov +excessiv neat folks are not alwus very literary, but they know soft +water from hard bi looking at it, and they kan tell what kind ov soap +will fetch oph the dirt best. They are sum like a kitchin gardin--very +regularly laid out, but not planted yet. + +If mi wife waz one ov these kind ov neatnesses I would love her more +than ever, for i do luv awl the different kinds ov neatness; but i +think we would keep house by travelling round awl the time, and not +stay but one night in a place, and i don't think she would undertake +tew skrub up the whole ov the United States ov Amerika. + + +THE PHATT MAN. + +Thare iz only 3 things that belong tew other folks that i ever envy, +and them iz virtew, flesh, and understanding. + +I suppose it iz possibel for a man tew manufakter hiz own virtew, and +improve hiz stock ov understanding; but he kant kivver hiz long, lean +boddy ov bones with a soft and pulpy cushion ov flesh, that is fun tew +set down on. + +I never cum akross a phatt man neatly dressed, with hiz slik and +shining face cut generously out ov warm meat, and gashed with a pair of +smaking lips, az smoothe and az gently red az the doorway tew a sea +shell, and garnished with a grate pair of juicy eyes, that are forever +slopping over with good natur, but what I wanted to call him unkle, and +kiss him for mi ant. + +And then their embonpint, (i beleave you call it,) so outspoken, so +full ov good things, iz equal to a dinner, for a lean devil, like me, +to look at even. + +I kant tell whatt makes one man so phatt, and the next one so like an +empty stocking, or a manakin in a narrow bolster, unless it iz that the +phatt souls are like a mountain spring, fed from within, until they +kant hold no more, and then run over the brim, tew make others happy. + +Did ye ever kno a phatt man to commit sewicide? i guess yu never did; +they luv gravy tew well for that. + +Shaikspear loved old Jack Fallstaff more than enny picture he ever +drew, and tho he filled him up tew the edge with deviltry, and stale +heroism, and much sack, and but little bread, he made him phatt, and +everyboddy would be verry sorry now tew hav this good-natured hillock +ov flesh graded down out ov their memory. + +When Shaikspear wanted sum pizen, he sought out, you remember, a _lean_ +apothekary, who kept a grocery ov beggarly boxes. + +Did yu ever hear ov a phatt man being hung? I guess not. They sumtimes +destroy plum puddin, and biled ox, but they never murder enny thing +that ain't good tew eat. + +That must hav been a phatt Frenchman who exclaimed, upon hiz fust visit +tew this kuntry, "By gar! what a people! Ten tousand different +religions, and only one gravy!" + +In konklusion, i never knu but one phatt skool-master, and he want good +for enny thing, only tew slide down hill with the boys. This satisfize +me that _phat_ iz only another name for virtew. + + + + +LXII. + +JOSH TALKS. + + +"_Paul._"--Yu ask me what i think ov the "Gift Distributing bizziness," +and i don't hesitate tew say, that it has awl the premonitory simptums +ov a dead beat. + +I hav alwus found that when enny man offers tew giv me ten dollars for +50 cents, he lies; i may think he means to do it, but he don't think +so; but i may possibly cum within 2 dollars and a half ov it once, and +if i do, i hav dun well, a grate deal better than i will the next time. + +I never put enny money into these swindles, and would as soon undertake +tew raize a good sized greenback bi planting a shinplaster back ov the +hog pen. + +If yu get desperate, and feel az tho yu must gamble, or die, go 25 +cents, odd or even, on the number ov hairs in a kat's back, and count +them; this will cool yu oph. + +"_Peter._"--I kant simpathize with yu, for i never was in love miself, +and don't kno what iz best tew grease it with. + +Put a plaster on yur back, and see if that won't help yu. + +If yu don't git enny better, wash in kerosene ile, and eat sum green +persimmons; if that don't make yu feel enny more eazier, git sea-sick, +and lift up things; this will cure 9 times out ov ten. + +If yu find you don't git enny better, take another dose ov +sea-sickness. + +If yu keep a gitting, finally, more wuss, yu hav got the real old +yeller love, and no mistake. + +Thare iz only one kure for this kind, and that iz the ile ov wedlock; +but this iz very powerful, and wants tew be took with grate caution. + +I hav known one dose ov it tew give a man phitts for life. + +"_Brahma Pootra._"--Speaking ov hens, leads me tew remark, in the fust +place, that hens, thus far, are a suckcess. + +They are domestick, and occasionally are tuff. + +This iz owing tew their not being biled often enuff in their yunger +daze; but the hen ain't tew blame for this. + +Biled hen is universally respekted. + +Thare is a grate deal ov originality tew the hen--exactly how mutch i +kant tell, historians fight so mutch about it. Sum say Knower had hens +with him in the ark, and sum say he didn't. So it goes which and +tuther. + +I kant tell yu which was born fust, the hen or the egg; sumtimes i +think the egg was--and sumtimes i think the hen was--and sumtimes i +think i don't kno, and i kant tell now, which way is right, for the +life of me. + +Laying eggs is the hen's best grip. + +A hen that kant lay eggs--is laid out. + +One egg is konsidered a fair day's work for a hen. i hav heard ov their +doing better, but i don't want a hen ov mine tew do it--it is apt tew +hurt their constitution and by-laws, and thus impaire their futer +worth. + +The poet sez, beautifully: + + "Sumboddy haz stole our old blew hen! + I wish they'd let her bee; + She used tew lay 2 eggs a day, + And Sundays she'd lay 3." + +This sounds trew enuff for poetry, but i will bet 75 thousand dollars +that it never took place. + +This bet stands open till the 17th day ov November next, at halff past +twelve o'clock. + +"_Student._"--Rats originally cum from Norway, and i wish they had +originally staid thare. + +They are about as uncalled for as a pain in the small ov the back. + +They kan be domestikated dreadful easy, that is, as far as gitting in +cupboards, and eating cheese, and knawing pie, is concerned. + +The best way tew domestikate them that ever i saw, is tew surround them +gently, with a steel trap; yu kan reason with them then tew grate +advantage. + +Rats are migratorious, they migrately whare ever they hav a mind to. + +Pisen is also good for rats; it softens their whole moral naturs. + +Cats hate rats, and rats hate cats, and--who don't. + +I serpose thare is between 50 and 60 millions of rats in Amerika (i +quote now entirely from memory,) and i don't serpose thare is a single +necessary rat in the whole lot. This shows at a glance how menny waste +rats thare is. Rats enhance in numbers, faster than shoe pegs do by +machinery. One pair ov helthy rats is awl that enny man wants tew start +the rat bissiness with, and in ninety days, without enny outlay, he +will begin tew hav rats,--tew turn oph. + +Rats viewed from enny platform yu kan bild, are unspeakably cussid, and +i would be willing tew make enny man who would destroy awl the rats in +the United States, a valuable keepsake, say for instance either the +life and sufferings ov Andy Johnson, in one vollum calf bound, or a +receipt tew kure the blind staggers. + + + + +LXIII. + +GIMBLITS. + + +When a man loses hiz health then he fust begins tew take good care on +it. This iz good judgment! this iz! + + * * * * * + +Most people decline tew learn only bi their own experiense. I guess +they are more than 1/2 right, for I don't serpoze a man can git a +perfek idee on molasses kandy bi letting another feller taste it for +him. + + * * * * * + +It iz a getting so no-a-daze if a man kant cheat in sum way he aint +happy. + + * * * * * + +Success in life iz verry apt tew make us forget the time when we wasn't +much. It iz jist so with the frog on the jump; he kant remember when he +waz a tadpole--but other folks kan. + + * * * * * + +An individual, tew be a fine gentleman, has either got tew be born so +or be brought up so from infansy; he kant learn it suddin enny more +than he kan larn how tew tork injun correkly bi praktising on a +tommyhawk. + + * * * * * + +I wonder if thare ever waz an olde maid who ever herd on a match that +she thought waz suitable. + + * * * * * + +If a man wants tew git at hiz aktual dimenshuns, let him visit a +grave-yard. + + * * * * * + +I suppoze Adam iz the only man who ever lived and want never spanked. + + * * * * * + +I hav oftin sett down square on the ice, bi having mi feet git out ov +plase; but i never could see ennything in it tew laff at, (espeshila if +thare waz sum water on the top ov the ise,) but i notis other folks +kan. + + * * * * * + +Precepts are like kold bukwheat slap-jacks,--noboddy feels like being +sassy tew them, nor noboddy wants tew adopt them. + + * * * * * + +If enny man wants tew be an olde bachelor, and git sick at a boarding +tavern, and hav a back room in the 4th story, and hav a red haired +chambermaid bring hiz water gruel tew him in a tin wash-basin, I hav +alwus sed, and i stick tew it yet, he haz got a perfek right tew dew +it. + + * * * * * + +It iz dreadful eazy work tew repent ov other folks sins--but not very +profitable. + + + + +LXIV. + +MORE CORRESPONDENCE. + + +LONG BRANCH, August 24th. + +DEAR WEEKLY:--I seaze the opportunity--opportunitys are like pullet's +eggs, they are small, and don't cum only one at a time--tew tell yu by +letter how mutch I am infatuated with Long Branch. + +I arrived hear tew weeks ago, just in time tew see the Atlantick Ocean, +which iz now on exhibition and doing a swelling bizziness tew full +houses. + +The fust thing I did after mi arrival waz tew _go in_, and I waz +astonished tew find the water so high seasoned. I asked an intelligent +natiff who stood on the bank, with both ov hiz hands in hiz pantaloon +pockets, the cauze ov this saltuous phenomenon, and he informed me "_he +didn't care_." + +I think the cuss lied. + +It iz perfectly heart-rending, and fills one ov mi mellow nature with +tumults ov genuwine sorrow, tew see the gross amount ov young femailes +here on track ov husbands and prospective fathers. + +I counted 16 yesterday in one pile. They all drew in their breaths as I +passed by them with downcast eyes. I felt sorry awl the way through for +them, but couldn't give them enny releaf, for I am thoroughly marrid, +and intend to keep so. + +Shoddy and Petroleum are both here, az full ov wind az a bellows, and +attrakt az mutch attention az a pattent churn, warranted tew make good +sweet butter from skim milk in ten minits; but they say "they shan't +remain long, bekause it smells so much like old brine." + +Yesterday I went out a crabbing, and caught a cart load ov them +(several ov them with my hands). + +Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a country cousin. + +Crabs are used for diet, but thare ain't mutch more meat in them than +thare iz in a horse-shoe, and it iz about az difficult to arrive at. + +They also hav the musketow here, a musikil bug, in great profusion; +they travel around loose, and seem to know everyboddy. + +The bathing here iz perfectly plenty, and the bathers resemble +mermaids--half men and half wimmin--and when they emerge from the +Atlantic Ocean you kant tell _which_ is _who_, unless you ask them. + +After bathing yu feel a kind ov diskonsolate feeling, for which I was +advised (by the resident physician) tew wet miself inside with sum +whiskee. + +I took one small wash, about a tumbler full, and immediately never felt +so mutch like lifting things in awl mi life. + +I thought I could lift an acre and a half of their light sandy land, +and acktually tried tew do it, but after the whiskee let go its grip ov +me I felt as though I could pursew an angle worm into her hole, and +hadn't strength enuff left tew take a photograff ov me. + +If ever I drink enny more Jersee whiskee, it will be after I am ded and +gone. + +Thare iz only one church here, and it kan hold so few that noboddy +don't _go_, out ov politeness. + +Thare iz 21 hotels, and they are principally bilt inside out, tew give +the boarders az mutch salt wind az possible. + +The lodging rooms are about the size ov a hencoop. Each one haz a door +to them, two cracked wash bowls, and a wet towel. + +Dinner iz paraded at 2 o'clock, and opens with soup, and shuts up with +huckelberrys. Huckelberrys are the ruling pashun in New jersey. + +The servants are designed tew be blak, but menny ov them hav resided so +long amung the whites that they begin tew adopt our color. + +Yesterday the Big Snake (which annually makes his appearance here, and +at Nuport, and belongs tew the landlords ov the different taverns) waz +distinktly visibel to the naked eye. + +Az we stood gazing at the Black Crook, a very well drest man told me he +hadn't enny doubt that this waz the old primary old serpent that snaked +Eve out ov Paradise a fu years ago. + +I waz so mutch pleased with the moral power ov the idee, that I +immediately offered him six dollars for it, but he sed he waz engaged +exclusively to write one year for the _Ledger_, and couldn't spare it. +He also sed "he had made snakes a studdy for 14 years," and gave us a +long orashun about the different kind ov snake, (including the copper +snake,) and did it in sich a kind ov a way that led me to beleaf he waz +one ov yure cussed brunette republikans. + +Thare was one feller, who wore glasses and looked with hiz mouth, sed +"the entire snake waz an optik allussion, cauzed by the rays ov the +oshun upon the philaktrick globbules ov the saline fluids." + +The feller had a very perpindikular forehed, and wore hiz hair a grate +deal behind, and looked tew me az tho he had been gittin himself in +condition tew travail in the Holy Land. + +One delikate little cherub ov a female (not an hour over 35 years) +screamed tenderly, and begun tew feel for a snake. + +One pensive creeture murmured "How bewitching!" and another sed "How +egstatick!" but one coarse individual spilte the whole effect ov the +thing by bawling out, loud enuff for the snake to hear, "What a--lov a +snake!" but the snake took no notis ov the remark, and soon skrewed +himself out ov sight. + +Adew. + + + + +LXV. + +SUM NATRAL HISTORY. + + +The _Alligator_ iz not a natiff ov Nu England; he iz too useless a +critter tew be born thare. + +He belongs down South, and resides in the same swamp that the +copperhead duz. + +He lives upon raw pig, and don't hesitate tew take them whole, if thare +don't happen tew be a smaller one handy. + +He iz also fond ov a little negro, once in a while, by way ov a fresh. + +They are amphibicus, and sevral other kinds ov cuss too plenty to +menshun. + +What on earth they are good for, i don't seem to know, unless it iz tew +watch for pigs. + +Their hides kan be tanned into leather, but they are az hard tew skin +az a beech tree iz; and the leather, when tanned, iz just about as +limber az a cooking-stove. But one pair ov boots, made out ov +alligator, will last az long az a man's name duz; the only way tew wear +them out iz tew heave them away. + +Alligator meat iz not luscious. If yu ask for it at the fust-klass +hotels, they will alwus tell yu "that they are jist out." It tastes az +i should think the beef ov a mule would, who had been worked forty +years in a brick-yard, and then been struk with lightning, to git rid +ov him. + +When an alligater's mouth iz wide open, hiz head iz just about in the +center ov hiz boddy; but they hav one virtew i came verry near +forgitting--they make a verry still noize, altho they hav more jaw than +enny other critter i kno ov. + +These are sum ov the heavyest fakts i hav been able tew gather about +the alligater. + +The alligator seems tew be a second edition ov the krokadile, made out +ov what waz left. + +I think the krokodile usually lays eggs when they want sum more +krokadiles, but i don't kno whether i think the alligatur duz or don't; +but if they do, and i ever find the nest, and the old feller aint on +the nest, i shouldn't hesitate tew hatch out the eggs myself--with a +klub. + +This iz all i kno at prezent about the alligatur. + + * * * * * + +The Ren iz the smallest thing surrounded with feathers, except the +humming bird. + +He iz about the size ov a horse chestnutt. + +He iz ov a dark brown color, and bilds hiz nest in not holes, out ov +little bits ov stix. + +He iz az gritty az a mud pie, and will fight a hen turkey. + +Rens are little pirates; i hav seen them drive a blu-bird out ov his +house, and sett up bizziness on hiz stock in trade. + +They lay an egg about the size ov a marrow fat p, and hatch out at +least a half dozen children at a setting. + +A young ren iz the funniest little package i ever see done up; they +aint much bigger, and look verry mutch like a small-sized semicolon. + +Rens are long-lived, but if they should live tew be az old az +Methuseler, they wouldn't be az bigg az a butter-nutt. + +They liv on the bug and worm family, and spend their winters south. + +They are not profitable to eat--i would az soon dress a bumble bee, and +one ren pot pie would use up the whole breed. + + * * * * * + +THE CROW. + +Next to the monkey, the crow haz the most deviltry to spare. They are +born verry wild, but kan be tamed az eazy az the goat kan, but a tame +crow iz aktually wuss than a sore thumb. + +If thare iz enny thing about the house that they kant git into, it iz +bekause the thing ain't big enuff. I had rather watch a distrikt skool +than one tame crow. Crows live on what they kan steal, and they will +steal enny thing that aint tied down. + +They are fond ov meat vittles, and are the first tew hold an inquest +over a departed horse, or a still sheep. They are a fine bird tew hunt, +but a hard one tew kill; they kan see you 2 miles first, and will smell +a gun right through the side ov a mountain. + +They are not songstirs, altho they hav a good voice to cultivate, but +what they do sing, they seem to understand thoroughly; long praktiss +has made them perfekt. + +The crow iz a tuff bird, and kan stand the heat like a blacksmith, and +the cold like a stun wall. + +They bild their nest among a tree, and lay twice, and both eggs would +hatch out, if they was laid in a snow bank,--thare aint no such thing +as stopping a young crow. + +Crows are very lengthy; i beleave they live always i never knu one to +die a natral deth, and don't believe they kno how. + +They are alwus thin in flesh, and are like an injun rubber shew, poor +inside and out. + +They are not considered fine eating, altho i hav read sumwhare ov biled +crow, but still i never heard ov the same man hankering for sum biled +crow 2 times. + +This essa on the crow is copied from natur, and if it is true, i aint +tew blame for it; natur made the crow, i didn't; if i had i would hav +made her more honest and not quite so tuff. + + * * * * * + +The Bumble Bee is one ov natur's sekrets. + +They probably hav a destiny to fill, and are probably necessary, if a +fellow only knew how. + +They liv apart from the rest ov mankind, in little circles numbering +about 75 or 80 souls. + +They are born about haying time, and are different from enny bug i know +ov; they are the biggest when they are fust born. They resemble sum men +in this respekt. + +Their principle bizziness is making poor honey, but they don't make +enny to sell. + +Boys sumtimes rob them out ov a whole summer's work; but thare is one +thing about a bumble bee that boys alwus watch dreadful cluss, and that +iz their _helm_. + +I had rather not hav awl the bumble bee honey that is between here and +the city ov Jerusalem, than tew hav a bumble bee hit me with his helm +when he cums round suddin. + +They are different from other war vessels; the helm alwus minds the +bumble bee. + + + + +LXVI. + +SLIVVERS OV THOUGHT. + + +The heart ov a true friend iz like a mirror; if yu look into it yu see +yurself thare. + + * * * * * + +Wisdom that don't make us happier aint worth plowing for. + + * * * * * + +I am dredful fond ov melody; and a banjo, with a negro hung tew it, +will knock more sense out ov me, in one night, than i kan git back in 3 +weeks. + + * * * * * + +It is a good plan tu know menny people, but tu let only a few kno yu. + + * * * * * + +I have no more respekt for those who only cater tu mi imaginashun, than +I have for the man who fust invented ginger-pop. + + * * * * * + +I never knu a man ov much wisdum who could sing a song well or pla on a +fiddle. + + * * * * * + +I don't kare how mutch a man talks, if he will only say it in a few +wurds. + + * * * * * + +Rewards deferred make us miserable; it is jist so with punishments. +When i was a boy, i had rather be licked twice than tew be postponed +once. + + * * * * * + +Thare is one thing sertain: reason is more than master ov the pashuns. +If this iz probably so, the man must be a phool who aint boss ov +himself. + + * * * * * + +I think it reduces the stummuk ake tew holler; so i think it lessens +awl kinds ov anguish, just as it does sin, by owning it. + + * * * * * + +We are awl willing tew pay more for being amused than instrukted. + + * * * * * + +How menny folks do yu serpose thare is in this world who are satisfied +with things as far as they hav got? Not more than 6, i'll bet. This +looks rather dusty for the rest ov the trip. + + * * * * * + +Thare aint no general rule for happiness; a man has tew be measured for +his happiness, just as he does for his boots, and even then he don't +alwus git a good fit. + + * * * * * + +Joy will make a man change ends quicker than sorrow. + + * * * * * + +If a yung man kant find enny thing else that he is fit for, i like tew +see him carry a goold-headed cane. + +The top rounds ov a ladder are always the most dangerous. + + * * * * * + +I beleaf in the final salvashun ov men, but i want the privilege ov +picking the men. + + * * * * * + +Thare is just this difference between a success and a failure--1/4 ov +an inch. + + * * * * * + +It is a great deal easier tew beat natur than it is tew equal her--so +it is easier tew bile an egg tew much, than just enuff. + + + + +LXVII. + +THE BUZZERS. + + +Ov awl the insekts or even animals, who occupy two legs and breathe the +same kind ov air, and drink the same kind ov water that other folks do, +thare is not a more distressingly bizzy and uncomfortably obnoxious +one, than yure whisperer. + +I mean now those men or those wimmin whose position in the world gives +them the title tew be listened to, and even beleaved, who spend their +lives like a bumbel bee on the wing, from flower to flower, and from +thistle to thistle, buzzing and whispering. + +These kind ov bumbel beeze deal only in sekrets ov the most delikate or +dreadful kind, which they entrust to you with awl the importance and +aimable reserve that distinguishes the intimate frend. + +Thare is nothing in the world that would give them more pain or +confusion (if you can beleave them) than to have their buzzes repeated, +and yet, in truth, nothing would giv them more mortifikation if they +were not. + +They sow their seed as the husbandman duz his expekting it tew sprout, +and rejoice as he duz in a good crop. + +I know not from what ambishun this buzzing springs, unless it is the +vanity ov knowledge, or the skarcity ov news; but one thing is certain, +that no more inveterate workers kan be found--they are emphatikally the +early birds who find the worm; they are the bizzy bees ov thrift, and +they are your provident pissmires who alwus have corn in their cells +against the calamity ov a wet day. Evry citty has a thousand ov them, +evry village a score, and evry naborhood its Aunt Dority, or its Unkle +Darby, who whisper and buzz from Christmas to Christmas agin. These +insekts know evry marriage that is on the ways, and just when it is tew +be launched; they know awl the slips and the slipshods within a circle +of twenty leagues or more; they guess at outrages and divine +bankrupcys; they hear ov elopements in the breath ov the morning, and +see the spektral shaddow ov a domestik brawl stealing on tiptoze amid +the gray ov the evening; they know the crimes ov evrybodys grandfather, +and remember, just like a book, the time when the wife ov esquire Baker +was no better than she should be. I don't know as there is truth enuff +in the world just now to do the bizness with; if there aint, the +buzzers may be in a measure necessary as a circulating medium; but if +this is really so, they stand in the same relation to an honest +circulation that other counterfit munny dus. + +I hav searched the musty annals ov primogeniture, and hav dove down +deep into the labarynths of succession, to trace the literal descent ov +these slander-breeding and birth-giving scorpions, and found that about +four thousand years ago, _Envy_ begot _Malice_, _Malice_ begot +_Revenge_, and _Revenge_ had twins--one was a common thief and the +other was a buzzer. + +Nature seems, in the production of Buzzers, to hav transgressed one ov +her most aimable laws: I mean, the grate parsimony she generally shows +in inflikting humanity with venemous reptiles. + +Stealing is more ancient and more honorable than malishus buzzing, but +it aint quite so safe; the goods are often found on the thief, and this +leads to his detection, while the buzzer is more like the incendiary, +who applys the match and makes good his escape before the flames begin +tew spread. + +If these pests ov humanity were not wuss in their malice than a pizen +snake without rattles, or meaner in their mischief than the robber ov +birds nests, I would try and hunt up an apology for them, or at least, +would attribute to an eager curiosity, or the vanity ov being thought a +kind ov sub-treasury ov other folks' confidence, what is quite too +often too gross to be set down only in the calendar ov crimes. + +Good-bye buzzers, ov high and low degree--yu that buzz in petticoats, +and yu that buzz in britches; I hav but one opinion ov yu, and that +is--a dreadful mean one. + + + + +LXVIII. + +MONOGRAFFS. + + +THE PASHIONATE MAN. + +Pride, without dout, is the old man ov anger. + +The pashionate man is like a hornet's nest, alwus reddy for a fight. + +These kind ov men live, if they are possessed ov virtues, the most +degrading kind ov a life; their fury is followed bi the humiliation ov +repentance. Pride forces them tew the indignity ov an apology, and the +apology is but the smouldering ashes ov another fit ov phrensy. + +If men only flew into a pashun at great things thare would be some +pleasure in forgiving them if it took an earthquake or an elephant tew +stir them up, we could pity them; but to see them convulsed with rage +bekause they stub their toe, or bekause their name happens to be spelt +wrong in the morning paper, sinks them down tew the level ov a cat, +whose dignity and decency is awl gone if enny boddy happens to step on +their continuation. + +But i don't want it told around the country that i am hollering +halleluger for a living, on them kind uv men who kant git mad at all. + +I don't believe the Lord ever intended, if a mule kicks me on one side, +that i am tew turn the other fresh side tew the mule. + +I say, let a hornet light ontu yu if he wants to, and let him set +thare, and chaw his cud in peace; but if he stings yu, while he is +setting on yu, i say, kill the cuss. + + +THE ZEALOUS MAN. + +The zealous man is alwus trieing tew bile, that is, if he has got enny +steam on at all. + +His pot never simmers, it generally biles over, and puts out the fire; +he is either awl bile, or not even lukewarm. + +Zeal often makes a man more ridiklus than folly duz; in fakt, zeal and +folly were twins, only zeal was born a little first; he couldn't wait, +ov course, till his time cum. + +Zeal in religion, is the way that biggots are made, an zeal in selling +the most dri goods, is the way that good liars are made. + +I beleaf in zeal, but when it trys tew beat Dexter's time, then i think +it wants watching as much as a mule's hind legg dus. + +Zeal that trots square, and goes a measured mile in about 3 minnitts +without a skip, is mi kind; i am willing to bet mi suspender buttons +(and they are the last things i want tew lose) on this kind ov zeal. + +After all, zeal is a good deal like lead; when it is biling hot, yu kan +run it into enny kind ov shape yu want tew, but when it is cold, it is +as heavy as enny thing i kno ov. + +I want mi zeal just as i dew mi beefsteak, nicely dun thru. + + +THE GOOD-NATURED MAN. + +Good nature is not an accomplishment, (that is it is not one of them +kind ov collaterals, that kan be manufakterd,) it is one ov the +virtews, which a man gits, just as he dus his nose, bi having it born +with him. + +It is really worth more tew the world, tew hav a good natured man born +into it, and go into the good natured bissness, than to hav a poeck +born, and go into the poeckry bissness. + +Good natur is what evry man kan understand, but there is a good deal of +poeckry that noboddy kan understand, and if they did, they wouldn't be +enny the wiser for it. + +Good natured men work up into fathers, husbands, and brothers, fust +rate, and without enny waste; they make good feller citizens, and evry +boddy feels as if they had some stock in them; little children love +them, and the girls ain't afrade tew be kist by them; they are as safe +and as pleasant as root beer. + +The good-natured man aint alwus a statesman, nor aint alwus just the +man for sekretary ov the treasury, but to grease the griddle ov evry +day life, tew soften the furious, tew raise the despondent, and tew +endorse 60 day paper, he weighs at least a ton. + +I had rather be a good natured man than tew hav a seat in the New York +Legislature; thare may not be as mutch money in it, but thare is twice +the means ov grace. + + + + +LXIX. + +PHILOSOPHEE ON THE HALF SHELL. + + +I hav finally cum tew the conclusion that thare aint truth enuff in the +world, just now, to do the bissiness with, and if sum kind ov +compromise cant be had, the Devil might as well step in, and run the +consarn at onst. + + * * * * * + +I always advise short sermons, espeshily on a hot Sunday. If a minister +cant strike ile in boring 40 minutes, he has either got a poor gimblet, +or else he is a boring in the rong plase. + + * * * * * + +Don't tell the world yure sorrows, enny more than you would tell them +your shame. + + * * * * * + +Philosophers are like graveyards--they take all things just as they +come, and give them a decent burial and a suitable epitaff. + + * * * * * + +Enny boddy can tell where lightning struck last, but it takes a smart +man tew find out whare it is going tew strike nex time--this is one ov +the differences between learning and wisdom. + + * * * * * + +Sailors heave the lead for the purpose ov finding the bottom, not for +the purpose ov going thare--it is sum so with advise; men should ask +for it, not so mutch for the purpose ov following it, as for the +purpose ov strengthening their own plans. + + * * * * * + +I have got a first rate recollekshun, but no memory--I can recolleckt +distinctly ov loseing a 10 Dollar bill onse, but cant remember whare, +to save mi life. + + * * * * * + +There is men ov so mutch learning and impudence, they wouldn't hesitate +tew criticise the song ov a bird. + + * * * * * + +Hogs hav an excellent ear for music--but it takes a dog tew pitch the +tune. + + * * * * * + +I hav seen men as full ov indecision as an old barn--alwus reddy, but +didn't know exactly which way to pitch. + + * * * * * + +Thare is sum folks whose thoughts cant be controled:--they are like +twins, they cant be had, nor they cant be stopped. + + * * * * * + +Most ennyboddy can write poor sense, but there aint but few that can +write good nonsense--and it alwus takes an eddycated man to appreciate +it after it is writ. + + + + +LXX. + +JOSH EPISTOLATES. + + +_Neptune._--I cant answer yure questions satisfactorily tew miself, but +perhaps mi answers may suit yu. I cant tell yu what _wit_ and _humor_ +is. + +It may be the bringing together two ideas, apparently unlike, and hav +them prove tew be a cluss match. + +Thare wouldn't be enny wit in striking fire with a flint, but thare +might be in striking fire with a piece of injia rubber. + +I don't serpose thare would be enny grate quantity ov wit in yure +telling sumboddy that yure gal was as hansum as a rose, but thare might +possibly be sum wit into it if yu should go on and say that she was as +frail, and as thorny, too. + +Humor (as compared with wit) seems to be what the old fashioned folks +in Connecticut used tew call "heat lightning," not the original artikle +that gashes the heavens with a flaming sword, and makes a fellow's hair +get up on end and ake with astonishment. Humor don't dazzle, don't +knock a man down with a sparkle; it is more a soothing syrup, sumthing +tew tickle, without enny danger ov throwing the patient into fits. + +Thare seems tew be more than one kind ov wit; punning is called wit, +but punning alwus looked to me like trieing tew make words pass for +ideas. + +Thare is without doubt, sum wit in puns, but it is something like +sticking a pin into a man, just for fun, and then ask him tew join in +the joke. + +Thare is sum more kinds ov wit, but i find i aint roomy enuff in the +skull tew talk mutch about them. + +Wit and humor both are similar tew kissing; thare is a peculiar kind ov +bewitchment in awl three ov them, that evryboddy can acknowledge better +than they can pictur out. + +Almost evryboddy hankers tew be witty, and most folks think they am, +but ginowine wit is like piety; thare aint much ov it in the market, +and those who think they hav the least ov it, are quite apt tew hav the +most. + +_Philo._--I am chuck full ov favourable sentiments towards dancing. I +like most awl kinds, from a genteel, and modest Saratoger prance, tew +the limber, and loose bilt Alabama break-down. Thare is no other way +tew git the booby out ov a boy, and keep him from steping onto himself, +than tew learn him how tew danse. This kind ov leg manuel is useful for +both sexes. Dancing is just as harmless as gitting over a fence, and i +think dancing-masters should be encouraged, but still i haint got enny +more respekt for a full grown man, who weighs over a hundred pounds, +who will give himself up tew this profession, ov learning folks how tew +dance, than I hav for the fellow who exhibits trained mice. The best +apology that i kan make, tew these dancing professors, is tew say, that +they are martyrs tew the calling. But while I am loud in mi sentiments +for the theory ov motion, thare is sum ov its collaterals that don't +fasten onto my bussum with mutch exta-tickness, but rather with grate +clammyness. I don't kno but awl the kind ov dances that are now raging, +are as free from guile as an oyster, but i hav witnessed sum amung the +top ov the ladder folks, (i don't know the name ov the dances) that i +think ought tew be confined tew the married people, and each man with +his own wife, and not tew menny bystanders at that. + +The amusements which i refer to, are ov the cluss communion style, a +species ov affectionate rotaryousness, interspersed with palpitating +pauses, and demiquaver wiglings, which, strike me, must be indulged in +with great risk by those whose minds and hearts ain't thoroughly broke +to go in aul harness. + +I kant dance miself; i was away from hum in mi younger dase, bissy +about sumthing else, when i ought tew hav learnt, and the consequents +is, that i cant even walk now without betraying mi awkwardness. + +I am most certainly in favor ov dancing, as a matter of boddy and limb +educashun; but i hope the fastidious and immoderately polite won't +introduce into the exercise ov this most delightful and innocent +amusement enny more questionable figgers and forms, and will see the +propriety ov banishing some now already indulged in, which are more a +credit tew their dexterity and prurient knowledge than tew enny thing +else. + +_Plutark._--"Bring up a child in the way he should go, and when he gits +old, he won't depart from it." + +This is trew, but it is tuff to know how to do it. + +I have seen children brought up on hasty pudding and the catechism, +half and half; but they didn't stick. Ministers' sons are proverbial +eggs for badness; this may be owing tew the fact, that religious +discipline aint half so good tew raise young ones on as good common +sense is. + +When I speak ov "religious discipline," Plutark, i don't mean piety, i +only mean a certain kind of stiff-faced and buckram morality, made up +out ov creed and ironclad noshons. + +As a general thing ministers hav as little tew brag ov, over and above +their piety, as ennybody i kno ov. + +As a class, they are better judges of chicken pie than they are of +human natur; their theorys are too much like a tredmill, and there is +nothing in the world will ruin a child enny faster than tew bring them +up by rule. + +Children want studdying as much as the weather dus during planting +time, tew know when and what tew plant. + +One child may be as easy tew raise as pertatoes, and the next one as +difficult as wild oats. + +I have raised two miself, and consider them a fair average, and the +only string I fiddled on was their good sense, and the more sense a +child has got the less fiddling is necessary. + +If a young one haint got enny sense, they won't pay for raising +ennyhow. + +If a child has got plenty ov sense, they are apt tew hav pride, and a +child that has got sense and pride, is just as easy tew raise as a +hopvine; aul you want to dew is tew stick up a decent pole for them, +and then stand one side and look on, and jerusalem! how the critters +will climb. + + + + +LXXI. + +AULMINAK FOR 1869. + + +MARCH. + +March begins on Saturday, and hangs on for 31 days. + +_Saturday, 1st._--Sum wind; look out for squalls, and pack peddlers; +munny iz tight, so are briks. Ben Jonson had his boots tapped 1574; +eggs a dollar a piece, hens on a strike; mercury 45 degrees above zero; +snow, mixed with wind. + +_Sunday, 2nd._--Horace Greeley preaches in Grace church; text, "the +gentleman in black," wind north-west, with simptoms of dust; hen strike +continues; the ringleaders are finally arrested and sent to pot; eggs +eazier. + +_Monday, 3rd._--Big wind; omnibus, with 17 passengers inside, blown +over in Broadway; sow lettuce, and sow on buttons; about these days +look out for wind; Augustus Ceazer sighns the tempranse pledge 1286; +strong simptoms ov spring; blue birds and organ grinders make their +appearance; sun sets in wind. + +_Tuesday, 4th._--Augustus Ceazer breaks the pledge 1286; "put not your +trust in kings, and princes;" much wind with rain; a whole lot ov +naughty children destroyed in Mercer street by wind; several gusts ov +wind; buckwheat slapjacks invented 1745; Andy Johnson commits suicide; +grate failure in Wall street; the Bulls fail tew inflate Erie; windy. + +_Wensday, 5th._--A good day tew set a hen; mutch wind: "he that spareth +the child, hateth the rod;" wind raises awnings, and hoop skirts; +William Seward resigns in favor ov Fernando Would; Thad Stevens jines +the mormons. + +_Thursday, 6th._--Wind generally, accompanied with wind from the east; +the Black Crook still rages; more wind; whisky hots still in favor ov +the seller; sow peas, and punkin pies, for arly sass; babes in the +woods born 1600; wind threatens. + +_Friday, 7th._--Fred Douglass nominated for president by the demokrats; +black clouds in the west; wind brewing; grate scare in Nassau street; a +man runs over a horce; Docktors Pug and Bug in immediate attendance; +horce not expekted tew live. Rain and snow and wind and mud, about +equally mixt. + +_Saturday, 8th._--Horce more easier this morning; mint julips offered, +but no takers. About these days expect wind; wind from the northwest; a +good day for wind mills. Half-past 5 o'clock, P.M., the following notis +appears on all the bulletin boards. "Doctor Pug thinks the horce, with +the most skillful treatment at the hands ov the attendant physicians, +may possibly be rendered suitable for a clam waggon, and Doctor Bug +corroborates Pug, _provided_, the oleaginous dipthong that connects the +parodial glysses with the nervaqular episode, is not displaced; if so, +the most consumit skill ov the profeshion will be requisite to restore +a secondary unity." Later--"The horce has been turned out tew grass." + +_Sunday, 9th._--This is the Sabbath, a day that our fathers thought a +good deal ov. Mutch wind (in sum ov the churches); streets lively, +bissiness good; prize fight on the palisades; police reach the ground +after the fight is aul over, and arrest the ropes and the ring. Wind +sutherly; a lager-beer spring discovered just out ov the limits ov the +city; millions are flocking out to see it. + +_Monday, 10th._--A gale, mile stuns are torn up bi the rutes; fight for +700 dollars and the belt, at Red Bank, Nu Jersey, between two well +known roosters; oysters fust eaten on the half shell 1342, by Don +Bivalvo, an Irish Duke; sun sets in the west. + +_Tuesday, 11th._--Roosters still fighting; indications ov wind; +counterfeit Tens in circulashun on the Faro Bank; look out for them; +milk only 15 cents a quart; thank the Lord, "the good time," has +finally come; Don Quixot fights his first wind mill, 1510, at short +range, and got whipped the second round; time 14 minnits. + +9:30 P.M.--Torch-lite procession at Red Bank, in honor ov the winning +rooster. + +_Wednesday, 12th._--Sum wind, with wet showers; showers smell strong ov +dandylions and grass; gold 132 17-16; exchange on Brooklin and +Williamsburgh, one cent (by the ferry boats.) + +_Thursday. 13th._--Bad day for the alminak bissiness; no nuze, no wind; +no cards; no nothing. + +_Friday, 14th._--Wendal Phillips tares up the constitushun ov the +United States; "alas! poor Yorick;" rain from abuv; strawberries, +watermillions and peaches, gitting skase; rain continners, accompanied +with thunder and slight moister; mercury abuv zero. + +_Saturday, 15th._--Grate fraud diskovered in the custom house--3 +dollars missing; fifty subordinates suspended; a wet rain sets in; +robbins cum, and immediately begin tew enquire for sum cherrys. + +_Sunday, 16th._--Henry W. Beecher preaches in Brooklyn by partickular +request; dandylions in market only 15 cents a head. + +_Monday, 17th._--Plant sum beans; plant them deep; if yu don't they +will be sure tew cum up. Robinson Cruso born 1515, all alone, on a +destitute iland. Warm rain, mixt with wind; woodchucks cum out ov their +holes and begin tew chuck a little. + +_Tuesday, 18th._--Look out for rain and yu will be apt tew see it; wind +sow bi sow west; ice discovered in our Rushion purchiss; miners rushing +that way; geese are seen marching in single phile, a sure indicashun ov +the cholera; musketose invented by George Tucker, Esq., 1491; patent +applied for but refused, on the ground that they might bight sumboddy. + +_Wensday, 19th._--A mare's nest discovered in Ontary county; a warm and +slightly liquid rain; thousands ov people hav visited the nest; windy; +the old mare is dredfull cross and kickful; hens average an egg a day, +beside several cackels. + +_Thursday, 20th._--Appearance ov rain; plant corn for early whiskey; +frogs hold their fust concert--Ole Bullfrog musical direcktor--matinee +every afternoon; snakes are caught wriggling (an old trick ov theirs); +a warm and muggy night; yu can hear the bullheads bark; United States +buys the iland ov Great Brittain. + + + + +LXXII. + +SUM NATRAL HISTORY. + + +"THE CLAM."--The claim iz a bulbous plant, and resides on the under +side ov the water. He iz born az the birds are, but don't cum out ov +his shell. He iz deserted by his parents, at a young and tender age, +but don't bekum clamarous on this akount, but sits still, and keeps +watch with hiz mouth, for sumthin tew cum along. + +Hiz temper iz sed tew be cold, and clammy, but he must have a relish +for sumthing, for hiz mouth waters aul the time. He iz the life ov the +kompany at a clam-bake, and sumtimes may be seen sunning a half bushell +ov himself, in front ov a grocery, and quite often 13 ov them, under +the temporarious excitement ov salt and peppersas, hav bin known tew +peal, and pitch into a man belo the belt, and kick up-a devil ov a muss +with him. + +The clam and the oyster are cuzzins, but the oyster haz the best +edukashun ov the two; their habits are simlar, but thare iz a grate +diffrence in the thickness ov their skulls, and in the softness ov +their brains; the oyster would shine az a poet, in the collums of the +monthly * * * * *, while the clam might do the fish market report for +the New York daily * * * * *. + +Thare iz nothing more docile than the clam, and altho they sumtimes git +into a stew, they are az eazy tew lay yure hand on, and ketch, az a +stun, but they are like an injun, not very talky; they hav got an +impediment in their noize; their lips open with too much titeness, and +their mouth iz tew full ov tongue tew be glib. + +Thare iz az mutch diffrence in the breed ov clams, az thare iz in the +breed ov christians; sum are so tender; and sum are so tuff,--sum are +good on the half shell, at a minnitt's notis, and sum want az mutch +biling az a hoss shu, and then will stand a good deal ov chawing +besides. + +Clams were fust diskovered, az the meazles waz, by being caught. How +long a clam kan live I don't beleaf they kan tell themselfs, probably 5 +thousand years, but a large share ov this time iz wasted; a clam's time +aint worth mutch, only tew grow tuff in; it is jiss so with sum other +folks I kno ov. + + * * * * * + +"THE CRAB."--Natur is fond ov a joke. + +She must have felt full ov fun, when she made a soft shell crab. The +strongest emotion the crab haz iz tew bite. They aint afrade tew bite a +sawlog, or a black bear. They are born in the water, but they kan live +out doors on the land as long az they kan find ennything tew bite. + +They hav several leggs, which are aul lokated on the starboard side ov +their person. Crabs liv under cover, like the mud turtles, but they +move evry fust ov May, into a new one. + +They are sed tew be good eating, but you wouldn't think so tew stand +and look at them; it would bother a stranger tew tell where tew begin; +it would be a good deal like trying tew make a sudden dinner out ov a +kross kut saw. + +They are biled in a pot, about 3 bushels ov them, until they stop +biting, and then they are done, and are et by throwing away the boddy, +and sucking the pith out ov the limbs. It is a good deal like trieng +tew get the meat out ov a grasshopper's leggs. It is considered a good +day's work to git one dinner out of biled crabs; I think perhaps a +person mite sustane life on them, but he would hav tew work nite and +day to do it, and keep a smart man biling crabs aul the time. Crabs +bite with their feet, and hang on like a country couzin. + + + + +LXXIII. + +MONOGRAFFS. + + +THE INQUISITIVE MAN. + +Thare iz no commerce which men and wimmin indulge in, that haz so much +plezure in it, and at the same time iz subjeckt tew such peculiaritys +and abuses, az askin questions. + +I hav seen people who could ask questions awl day long, and not looze +enny flesh. + +Theze kind are like 2 inch augers--espeshilly ordained. + +They don't seem tew have enny difinite objeckt in view, and therefore +seldum git satisfied, but if they ever do git satisfied, they are then +awl reddy to begin agin. + +They are something like the festiff-muskeeter, they kan liv on nothing, +if it iz necessary, but they don't like tew be idle, and the best way +to drive them oph, iz tew let them settle, and git full. + +The inquisitive man don't seem tew be aktuated by maliss, or envy; he +iz only dry, and asking questions iz the only thing that will wet hiz +drouth. + +They most alwus live tew a good old age, and often die ritch and even +virtuous, but never satisfied; yu might az well undertake tew blow up a +shad net with wind, az tew fill a genuine quidnunker with nuze. + + * * * * * + +THE LAZY MAN. + +Self-preservashun iz the fust law ov natur, and laziness iz the sekund. + +Laziness iz a kind ov moral dispepshee, or a species of virtuous gout. + +It iz just az natral for a man tew be lazy, az it iz tew be born. + +I never knu a lazy man tew really want ennything, wanting things iz +just what spiles a man for laziness. Awl kinds ov laber requires an +insentive; thare aint but now and then a man who is anxious tew saw dri +hickory wood twice in 2 awl day long jist for fun. + +Even boys hav tew be larnt how tew work, just az a dorg haz tew be +lernt how to churn butter, and i hav known dorgs, after they had got +well lernt, to hide under the barn churning days. + +If laber iz a cuss, it strikes me that laziness must be a blessing. + +Bees are alwus quoted az patterns ov industry, but bees don't lay up +enny hunny in those kuntrys whare the flowers bloom the year round. + +But i am not in favour ov laziness, and don't recommend it, even if it +iz natral, enny more than i would recommend murder, bekauze the fust +man that waz born into the wurld saw fit tew kill the seckund one +naturally. + +I hav alwus looked upon a lazy man az a kind ov natral pirate, who +lives upon the oats ov others, and don't think he haz enny more right +tew live and be lazy than a snake haz. + +In conclusion, laziness iz like red hair, the only way tew cure it iz +to die. + +I forgot to say that the lazyest man I ever knu lived a little +southeast ov Dunkirk; he waz too lazy to pay hiz honest dets, or even +wipe hiz noze, and so he let them both run. + + +THE PERFEKT MAN. + +It is hard work tew be perfeckt, and yet thare is menny who reach +perfekshun with fust rate skill. + +Thare seems to be 2 kinds ov worldly perfekshun; one kind is very mutch +like a squash; if it is good, it is good bekause it kant help it. + +I alwus envy this kind, they don't hav enny intestine fights with +themselfs; they are like an eight day clock, don't want winding up but +onst a week. + +Their morality is like the Eolian harp; even an east wind will play a +pleasant tune upon it. + +The other kind ov perfektion belongs tew those folks who kno they are +perfekt, these kind ov perfectioners travel on their muscle, and +wouldn't be afrade tew fight the Devil for 200 dollars a side. + +Whenever yu find a man who is natrally perfekt, yu will find one who +either never haz been temted or who haint got enny thing worth +tempting. And whenever you find a man who sez he is perfekt, yu find +one who want swatching az much az a buzz saw duz. Theze 2 kinds ov +moral perfectioners are the only ones i kno ov in this wurld; we kan +awl ov us imagine, and even hanker, for sumthing better than either ov +theze, but perfekshun is not earthy, it roosts near the skeys. + + +THE FAULT-FINDING MAN. + +Good Lord deliver us! Good Lord deliver us now this minnit! from the +fault-finding man. + +One ov yure wheezing cusses, i mean. + +These kind ov humin critters are alwus full ov natral flesh; evry boddy +iz wrong but they grab thissells, whare other folks gather figs. If +they enjoy enny thing they do it under a kind ov protest, and if enny +body else enjoys enny thing, they are reddy tew bet 10 dollars, they +lie about it. + +I pitty these poor fellers, more than i do a lost dorg. + +Their happiness seems tew be alwus drawn from the top ov their misery. + +Rather than not be able tew find enny fault, they wouldn't hezitate tew +say tew an angle-worm, that his tail was altogether too long for the +rest of his boddy. + +They keep up a kind ov running fight, all their lives, with evry thing +they cum across, but seldum ever win a battle; they are like a +second-rate bull terrier, alwus a fighting and alwus a gitting licked. + + + + +LXXIV. + +JOSH DOES UP HIS CORRESPONDENCE. + + +"_Bushrod._"--I got yure faver bi this morning's mail, and taking oph +mi cut, and rooling up mi sleeves, and spitting on mi hands, repli az +follers: + +If yu have got plenty ov brains, and no money, Nu York citty iz a good +place tew cum to, but if yu hav got plenty ov money, and no brains, +stay right whare yu are, and keep in the house most always. + +A ritch phool, in this citty, iz soon smelt out, and then don't last +enny longer than a nuzeboy's brekfast. + +If you haint got enny money, nor enny brains, steal a cow, the fust +good chance yu kan git, and live quietly on the milk. + +"_Deacon._"'--Yure question iz too big; i kant tell which i think iz +the most preacher, Chapin or Beecher. + +They kan, either ov them, preach the gospel up a heavier grade than +enny men i kno ov, in North Amerika, including our rushing possessions. + +Sum folks think that religion consists in preaching the gospel thru +yure noze, and that piety iz a kind ov moral jandies, but i don't; i +beleave the Lord iz not angry at a lively christian, provided he iz +level, and duz bizz square, after dark. + +Sum people are down on sensashun preachers, but i aint. Paul waz a +sensashioner ov the best brand, and i kno ov lots ov places now, whare +a man could preach the gospel, with one hand on hiz revolver, and do a +good bizzness. + +The world iz choked up with human beings, who hav either got tew be +skared or drove into heaven, if they ever git thare. + +I kan imagine that it iz hard work for a man, with a head full ov +lightning, not tew flash once in a while, but lightning don't skare me; +I had rather be struk with it, than tew be strangled with sawdust. + +Thare iz plenty of churches in the United States left, whare yu kan +have religion measured out to yu by the small meazure, and whare piety +sits like an owl on its roost. If yu are afrade ov lightning, tend one +ov theze. + +I have sot under dull and under lively preeching, and i say, (if thare +iz enny to spare,) give me the lively. + +"_Molly._"--Street dresses are worn here almost unanimously; in fackt, +it iz impossibel tew see enny kind ov a femail in the streets without +sum kind of a dress on--i mean street dress. + +They are made in the shape ov a dinner-bell, and fit just about az +tight. + +Waterfalls are a peg higher than they waz, and soon will be worn on the +top ov the hed, like a rooster's comb. + +Hoop skirts are close-reefed, and tilters are on their last leggs. + +Kid gloves are the rage in lavender; the more lavender the better, and +the hair eddys in front, like a nest ov yung whirlpools just hatched +out, and drops down behind from the waterfall in one link a foot long, +about the size ov a rope, with the pucker coming out ov it. + +"_Barney_"--I received the rat tarrier yu sent me by the Merchants' +Union Express, last evening, and gave him a quart ov milk for hiz tea. + +He pocketed the milk, and wagged for sum more; it made him stick out +like a false caff. + +He slept sound last night, and hasn't waked up yet, altho it iz now 10 +o'clock this morning. + +I have stopped writing tew tickle hiz nose with a pin, and he iz now +rushing things around the room for sum rats. + +He haz just tipped over a Chinese god, worth 8 dollars, and broke him, +he will git rats when mi wife cums in. + +He kant find enny rats, and is now chawing oph mi little boy's toe--to +hiz shoe. + +He iz now crazy for rats agin, and will smash the other vase agin, I'll +bet. + +Thare goes the other vase, bi thunder! all tew powder. + +He iz now out ov wind, and iz running hiz tung out and in. + +He wants tew go out doors for sumthing, and i hav let him went. + +He haz just found a poor little boy in the street, whom he knows, and +the boy seems tew know him, and they hav gone round the next block, on +a run, together, tew see sumthing. + +He don't seem tew cum back! + +It iz now to-morrow, and the tarrier don't seem tew cum back. + +My wife iz glad ov it. + +I am out 2 vases, a quart of nu milk, and one tarrier. + +My wife sez, if i ever buy another rat pup, she will put him tew +immediate soak in the cistern at onst. + +Mi wife iz one ov them kind ov wimmin that don't make enny statements +unless they are true, so yu needn't send me enny more tarrier. + + + + +LXXV. + +CUPID ON A RAID. + + +It iz real singular what a man-killer and a woman killer the god Cupid +iz for one ov hiz heft. + +He iz piktured out on paper about the size of a four-year old fat boy +baby, with a pair of wings about az large as a boss butterfly's, and iz +armed with a bow and arrows, that might possibly answer tew kill +bumbelbees at four paces. + +This little fellow haz bagged more game with hiz wooden shuteing irons +than aul the powder and shot that ever haz been built can brag ov. + +I suppoze that it is generally known that he shutes from under cover, +at both long and short range, and never iz seen himself. + +He haz in hiz quiver innumerable arrows, sum few ov them dipped in +genuine love, and feathered with good sense, but most ov them would +seem too trifling tew be at all dangerous if I hadn't, with mi own +eyes, noticed him at work with them, both at male and female game, both +sitting and flieing, and seen the many ded shots he haz made. + +I have been at sum pains for the last tew seazons tew watch hiz +manoovers, whare I have happened tew be, and the following reckord iz a +faithful history of this little chap's bloody bizz: + +--> Ben Slocum, aged 19 years, weight about 190 pounds, and a good +eater, at work by the month for Farmer Brown, hoeing corn, received hiz +death wound from a garter belonging to Rachel Tucker, Brown's hired +girl, as the said Tucker waz learning tew jump the rope down in the +garden. + +--> Kate Freelove, youngest daughter of I. S. Freelove, Esq., who could +play big on the pianner, and had studied Latin one quarter, waz shot +thru and thru by a paper ov Stuart's mixed candys that Frank Fever sent +her. + +--> John Davis got his mutton cooked bi a spit-curl that waz dangling +on Angeline Brown's forehead. + +--> Bill Weatherby, a dry goods clerk, died suddenly bi gitting in +range ov one ov Roxy Mathew's sweetest smiles, darted acrost the +counter. + +--> Sally Munson disseased without a struggle. Cause--Dick Fenton's No. +7 patent leather boots, and Californy soltaire. + +--> Master David Mentor, aged 12 years, departed this life at a +district school-house while sharpening little Libby Sherman's slate +pensil. + +--> Sam Benson, butcher, wounded with a hoop skirt, got better, then +was struck plumb dead by a false calf, in the Bowery. + +--> Lawrence Peters, aged 60, and for 30 years a consistent bachelor, +lived only an hour, in grate agony, atfer eating warm apple pies at +Widow Stebbins's. + +--> Matt Marshall, worth 250 thousand in 7-30's, waz give up for ded, +the arrow passing direktly thru hiz heart, from Maggie Morse's tucker, +but recovered instantly upon learning that Maggie's father waz only +worth 75 thousand. + +--> Frank Hunter, maimed for life by a black balmoral with an orange +stripe in it. + +--> Tabitha Spencer, slightly tuff, had been shot at a hundred times, +and always mist, waz finally fetched by the Rev. Furbush, in his grate +act, reading the 146th hymn, common meter. + +--> Seth Perkins, tailor, waz slain, goose in hand, by a pucker in the +eye ov Hanner Hemstich's cambric needle. + +--> Matilda Alabaster Jones, caught her death by a squeeze from the +hand of Fitzherbert Augustus Boliver, only son ov Duke Mose Boliver. +This squeeze took place last Friday. + +--> Jack Tindar, killed instantly at Saratoger, on the 15th ov last +August, by four shots at once, from the eyes ov Jane Smirk, and her +cuzzin Tildy. + +--> Spencer Richards was wantonly murdered by a chance shot, in a +crowd, from an opera glass. + + + + +LXXVI. + +JOSH COMMUNES WITH HIS FRIENDS. + + +Dear Joe--Your letter came by the last mail and brought with it menny +thoughts ov that sunny time when yu and I waz boys, and slid down hill +together. Yu ask for mi advise upon a topick which iz always a delikate +one for a third party to mix in with; but yu are aware that I am not +very delikate, and don't hesitate tew launch mi opinion, espeshily when +invited to do it. I consider advise generally wasted, and most sure to +be when given upon the matter in question, but i hav a large stock ov +it on hand, and shan't miss what i devote to you. + +By awl means, Joe, git married, if yu hav got a fair show. Don't stand +shivvering on the bank; but pitch in and stick yure head under, and the +shiver iz awl over. Thare aint enny more trick in gitting marrid, after +yu are ready, than there iz in eating peanuts. Menny a man haz stood +shivvering on the shore till the river haz awl run out. Don't expect +tew marry an angel; the angels hav awl been picked up long ago. +Remember, Joe, yu aint a saint yureself. Don't marry for buty +excloosively; buty iz like ice, awful slippery, and thaws dredful eazy. +Don't marry for garments; dry goods are uncommon deceptibus; they are +like the feathers on a blue-jay--pick oph the feathers, and thare aint +nothing left. Don't marry for munny; munny may make yu respectabel, but +kan't make you honnest nor happy. Don't marry excloosively for luv +neither; luv iz like a cooking-stove, good for nothing when the fuel +gives out. But marry a mixtur. Let the mixtur be: sum buty, becumingly +dressed, with about 225 dollars in her pocket; a good speller, handy +and neat in the house, plenty ov good sense, a tuff constitution and +by-laws, small feet, and a light stepper; add tew this, clean teeth, +and a warm heart; the whole tew be well shaken before taken. This +mixtur will keep in enny climate, and not evaporate. If the cork +happens tew be left out for two or three minutes, the strength aint awl +gone. + +Joe, for heaven's sake don't marry for pedigree; thare aint much in +pedigree, unless it iz backed up bi bank stock; a family, with nothing +but pedigree, generally lacks sense; they are like a kight with tew +much tail; if they would only take oph sum ov the tail, they mite +possibly git up, but they are always tew illustrious to take off any +tail. + +Let me hear from yu again, Joe, soon. + +But mi dear fellow, don't be afrade; wedlok iz az natral az milk, but +in course thare iz sum difference in milk about highsting cream, but +there iz one thing that don't vary, and that iz awl milk tew have the +cream rize good, and keep sweet, must be kept in a cool place, not be +rousted up tew often. + +Don't be an olde bachelor; lonesum, and selfish, crawling out ov yure +hole, in the morning, like a shiny backed beetle, and then backing into +it again, late every night, suspicious, and suspected. + +I would az soon be a stuffed rooster, set up in a show window, or a tin +weather cock, on the ridge-pole of a female seminary, az a lonesum +bachelor, jeered at by awl the virginity ov the land. + +_Jeremiah._--Don't confuse learning and wisdum; thare iz jist az mutch +diffrence between them az thare iz between fruit that iz raized in a +hott-house and that which ripens out doors, smiled upon bi the sun, and +shook up by the wind and the storm. + +When the two hitch up together, they are a bully team. + +Wisdum, being natrally the stoughtest, takes learning up in its arms, +and learning points out the shortest road tew take; they work together +handy az a pair ov twin oxen. + +If a man kant hav but one, he better hav the wisdum, for wisdum iz +alwus fatt with good sense, and kan alwus uze its strength; while +learning must hav just sich a spot tew work in, and jist sich a way tew +do it. + +Wisdum iz a giant, whoze strength makes him respekted, while learning +iz a pigmy, whoze knowledge makes him feared. + +But, Jeremiah, thare kan be a good deal sed for both ov them. + +Wisdum grows stout by thinking, and learning gits fat by studdy. + +Wisdum iz ov the natur ov genius, while learning iz ov the natur ov +tallent. + +But, Jeremiah, these subjects are too full ov logick for you and me tew +phool with. We had better spend our loose moments in finding out the +best way tew raize beans, and the best market tew take them to. + +P.S.--I forgot to say that thare iz four hundred times az mutch +learning in the world as thare iz wisdum. + +And also, a man may hav a grate deal ov learning, and not know mutch, +just as he may have a grate deal ov strength, and not know the best +holts. + + + + +LXXVII. + +JAW BONES. + + +Genius iz like a hop vine; it will run, and spread, enny how, and hav a +whole lot ov wild hops on it, but tew be a good krop, it must be poled, +and cut back, and suckered. + +_Precept_ iz a buck saw--_experience_ the elbo grease that runs the +cussid instrument. + +Don't talk tew much, Jessie; one half the wisdum ov this world consists +in not saying ennything. + +Thare iz nothing more dangerous tew most men than praize; it iz like +filling them up with gunpowder, and then tutching them oph. + +Patience, if it iz merely constitushional, don't appear tew me to be +enny more ov a virtue than kold feet are. + + + + +LXXVIII. + +MORE PHILOSOPHY. + + +THE SUSPICIOUS MAN. + +Suspicion, a little ov it, iz almost az good az wisdum, but it iz one +ov them kind ov disseazes that men aint apt tew hav small. It iz like +the meazles--if they have it they hav it aul over. + +A suspicious man iz most alwus a cunning man; and a cunning man iz +generally a rogue. + +What the happiness ov a suspicious man consists in i never could tell. +It certainly aint in friendship, for he iz afraid tew trust hiz own +brother; it kant be in conversashun, for he beleaves evry man lies; nor +in affection, for he looks upon the artlessness, even ov children, as +the germs ov fraud. + +If a man iz born with this trait, it iz alwus the stoughtest one he haz +got, and about the only one; for suspicions iz like sheep sorrell, a +vinegary weed, that runs evry generous plant out ov the soil. + +If a man learns tew be suspicious, it only proves that he haz been tew +bad schools, where not mutch of ennything else waz taught. + +Noboddy but a phool would lay aside all kaution and undertake tew go +thru this world without enny linch-pin; but noboddy but a rogue would +learn enny more suspicion than he was aktually obliged to. + +Prudence and kaution are the simple children ov wisdum; but suspicion +iz either a bastard, got by Deceit, upon the person of Ignorance, or +else it iz the legitimate baby ov parents who hav studdied kaution, not +tew protekt themselves, but tew be able tew cheat sumboddy else aul the +eazier. + + +THE WISE MAN. + +Wisdum is a six-hoss team, with a karfull driver on the box. Yea! a +wize man iz an iron-klad elephant chawing hiz cud. + +But this wurld is full ov wisdum that never cums out ov its hole; that +always roosts on the top limbs ov a tree and hoots at the wayfairing +man, but kant show him the way out ov the wilderness. + +These kind ov wise men are like old gideboards at the crotch ov the +roads with the lettering aul washed oph--wooden prophets, wus than no +news. + +Wisdum is made out ov faith and virtew and truth seasoned with toil and +experience, and scented with modesty. This kind ov wisdum is full as +glorious as it is skase. + +But experience, without doubt, is the boss skool-master ov wurdly +wisdum. He is the one who taught Adam and his wife their fust lesson, +and he haint never bin out ov a job since. His skool keeps aul day +Saturday, and Sundays too, and has but one vakation in it, and that is +when aul hands are asleep. + +But say what yu will, wisdum is a rare bird ennyhow. Thare is lots ov +folks that kan show yu the mule that kicked them last, but it takes one +ov yure klassikal skollars, one ov yure blooded wisdumers, tew point +out the mule that iz a going tew kick next. + +Buy wisdum, mi friends, whenever it is in market, for she is a harp ov +1200 strings. + + +THE EFFEMINATE MAN. + +The effeminate man is a weak poultiss. + +He is a kross between root beer and ginger pop with the cork left out +ov the bottle over night. + +He is a fresh water mermaid lost in a cow pastur, with his hands filled +with dandylions. + +He is a tea-kup full of whipped sillybub--a kitten in pantylets--a sick +monkey with a blonde mustash. + +He is a vine without enny tendrills--a fly drowned in sweet ile--a +paper kite in a ded calm. + +He lives as the butterflise do--noboddy kan tell whi. He is as harmless +as a cent's wuth ov spruce gum, and as useless as a shirt button +without enny button-hole. + +He is as lazy as a bread-pill, and has no more hope than a last year's +grasshopper. + +He is a man without enny gaul, and a woman without enny gissard. + +He goes thru life on his tiptose, and dies like colone water spilt on +the ground. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41025 *** |