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diff --git a/41025-8.txt b/41025-0.txt index 86f64e8..2c372ce 100644 --- a/41025-8.txt +++ b/41025-0.txt @@ -1,39 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook, Josh Billings on Ice, by Henry Wheeler Shaw, -Illustrated by J. H. Howard - - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - - - - -Title: Josh Billings on Ice - And Other Things - - -Author: Henry Wheeler Shaw - - - -Release Date: October 11, 2012 [eBook #41025] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - - -***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSH BILLINGS ON ICE*** - - -E-text prepared by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made available by -Internet Archive (http://archive.org) - - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41025 *** Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file which includes the original illustrations. @@ -3987,7 +3952,7 @@ other liquid. Milk iz lakteal, ("_bizarre_;") it iz also aquatick, while under the patronage ov milk venders, ("_errare humanum est_.") -Milk iz also misterious, ("_Le mot d'énigme_,") cokernut milk haz never +Milk iz also misterious, ("_Le mot d'énigme_,") cokernut milk haz never bin solved yet. Milk iz also another name for humin kindness, ("_comme il faut_.") @@ -4013,7 +3978,7 @@ considered sharp praktiss, ("_coup de main_.") Milk iz obtained from cows, hogs, woodchucks, sheep, squirrels, rats, and awl other animals that wear hair. Snakes and geese don't discharge -milk, ("_lusus naturæ_.") +milk, ("_lusus naturæ_.") I forgot tew state in conclusion, ("_ultima Thule_,") that cow milk, if it iz well watered, brings 10 cents per quart, ("_Quod avertat Deus_.") @@ -6527,362 +6492,4 @@ He is a man without enny gaul, and a woman without enny gissard. He goes thru life on his tiptose, and dies like colone water spilt on the ground. - - -***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSH BILLINGS ON ICE*** - - -******* This file should be named 41025-8.txt or 41025-8.zip ******* - - -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: -http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/4/1/0/2/41025 - - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, -set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to -copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to -protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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H. Howard</h1> -<p>This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at <a -href="http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></p> -<p>Title: Josh Billings on Ice</p> -<p> And Other Things</p> -<p>Author: Henry Wheeler Shaw</p> -<p>Release Date: October 11, 2012 [eBook #41025]</p> -<p>Language: English</p> -<p>Character set encoding: UTF-8</p> -<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSH BILLINGS ON ICE***</p> -<br><br><center><h4>E-text prepared by Chris Curnow<br> - and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br> - (<a href="http://www.pgdp.net">http://www.pgdp.net</a>)<br> - from page images generously made available by<br> - Internet Archive<br> - (<a href="http://archive.org">http://archive.org</a>)</h4></center><br><br> <table border=0 bgcolor="ccccff" cellpadding=10> <tr> <td valign="top"> @@ -10269,360 +10252,6 @@ the ground. <br> <p> </p> -<hr class="full"> -<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSH BILLINGS ON ICE***</p> -<p>******* This file should be named 41025-h.txt or 41025-h.zip *******</p> -<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br> -<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/4/1/0/2/41025">http://www.gutenberg.org/4/1/0/2/41025</a></p> -<p> -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed.</p> - -<p> -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - - - - -Title: Josh Billings on Ice - And Other Things - - -Author: Henry Wheeler Shaw - - - -Release Date: October 11, 2012 [eBook #41025] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) - - -***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSH BILLINGS ON ICE*** - - -E-text prepared by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made available by -Internet Archive (http://archive.org) - - - -Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this - file which includes the original illustrations. - See 41025-h.htm or 41025-h.zip: - (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/41025/41025-h/41025-h.htm) - or - (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/41025/41025-h.zip) - - - Images of the original pages are available through - Internet Archive. See - http://archive.org/details/joshbillingsonic00bill - - - - - -JOSH BILLINGS ON ICE, - -And Other Things. - - * * * * * - -_A NEW COMIC WORK_ - -JUST PUBLISHED, UNIFORM WITH THIS VOLUME, ENTITLED - -Josh Billings, His Book. - -WITH TWELVE COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS. - -[Symbol: Asterism] Copies sent by mail free -of postage, on receipt of price, $1.50 by - -G. W. CARLETON & CO., Publishers. -New York. - - * * * * * - - -[Illustration: Josh Billings visits the new Skating Pond, and witnesses -a rather interesting accident, which he describes as "a living lovely -mass ov disastrous skirt and tapring ankle."--_See page 12._] - - -JOSH BILLINGS ON ICE, - -And Other Things. - -With Comic Illustrations by J. H. Howard. - - - - - - - -NEW YORK: -Carleton, Publisher, Madison Square. -London: S. Low, Son & Co. -M DCCC LXX. - -Entered according to act of Congress in the year 1868, by -G. W. Carleton & Co., -In the Clerk's office of the District Court of the United States, for -the Southern District of New York. - - - - -THIS BOOK - -IZ DEDICATED TO - -AMAZI BARBOUR, - -TEW LIQUIDATE A DET OV $17-50/100 THAT I OWED HIM. - - JOSH BILLINGS. - - - - -CONTENTS. - - - PAGE - - I.--JOSH ON ICE 11 - - II.--SUM NATRAL HISTORY 14 - - III.--LIVE YANKEES 20 - - IV.--LINCH PINS 23 - - V.--GOOSE TALK 26 - - VI.--JOSH BILLINGS: HIZ SHADE TREE 28 - - VII.--JOSH CORRESPONDS FREELY WITH 3 FELLOWS 31 - - VIII.--MONOGRAFFS 36 - - IX.--HONESTA IS THE BEST POLICY 39 - - X.--GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT 42 - - XI.--JOSH BILLINGS DEFINES HIS POSITION 46 - - XII.--COLD PIECES 47 - - XIII.--LETTER FROM JOSH BILLINGS 50 - - XIV.--WISDOM CHUNKS 54 - - XV.--BILLIARDS 58 - - XVI.--JOSH BILLINGS "RIZES" 60 - - XVII.--BILLINGS ON PILLS 63 - - XVIII.--JOSH IN SARATOGA 66 - - XIX.--SUM VEGETABLE HISTORY 72 - - XX.--JOSH REPLIES TO CORRESPONDENTS 77 - - XXI.--LIST OF HOUSEN TEW LET 80 - - XXII.--LAUGHING 83 - - XXIII.--LYING 85 - - XXIV.--PERKUSSION CAPS 87 - - XXV.--ONE WEEK FROM MY DIARY 91 - - XXVI.--AMERICAN ARISTOCRACY 94 - - XXVII.--LOVE 96 - - XXVIII.--THE GAME OF YEWKER 98 - - XXIX.--NOW AND THEN 100 - - XXX.--OATS 103 - - XXXI.--WATERFALLS 106 - - XXXII.--POLITENESS 109 - - XXXIII.--DREAMS 111 - - XXXIV.--JOSH CORRESPONDS 113 - - XXXV.--NEWS CUT FROM OUR EXCHANGES 118 - - XXXVI.--DEAD BEATS 122 - - XXXVII.--SPRING--MAY, 1868 125 - -XXXVIII.--HARTES 127 - - XXXIX.--MONOGRAFFS 128 - - XL.--JOSH BILLINGS AND THE LEKTUR COMMITTY 133 - - XLI.--ORPHAN CHILDREN 137 - - XLII.--BILLINGS REPLIZE TEW CORRESPONDENTS 140 - - XLIII.--CHIPS FROM THE BUTT CUT OF WISDUM 143 - - XLIV.--ESSA ON SWINE 146 - - XLV.--ON SEWING MACHINES 148 - - XLVI.--SUM ADVISE 150 - - XLVII.--TAKE IT EASY 153 - - XLVIII.--JOSH CORRESPONDS 155 - - XLIX.--THEM GOOD OLD DAZE 159 - - L.--A HUM TRANSACTION 161 - - LI.--MILK, WHISKEE AND BEER 164 - - LII.--PLUCK 170 - - LIII.--FREE LOVE 171 - - LIV.--FAST MEN 173 - - LV.--JOSH REPLIZE TO ONE OF HIZ CORRESPONDENTS 175 - - LVI.--HUMAN HAPPINESS 177 - - LVII.--PHILOSOPHEE OV THE BILLINGS FAMILEE 180 - - LVIII.--AMERIKANS 183 - - LIX.--JOSH CLEANS OUT HIS PIGEON-HOLE OF CORRESPONDENTS 186 - - LX.--JOSH CHAWS HIS CUD 190 - - LXI.--MONOGRAFFS 193 - - LXII.--JOSH TALKS 198 - - LXIII.--GIMBLETS 203 - - LXIV.--MORE CORRESPONDENTS 205 - - LXV.--SOME NATRAL HISTORY 210 - - LXVI.--SLIVVERS OF THOUGHT 216 - - LXVII.--THE BUZZERS 219 - - LXVIII.--MONOGRAFFS 223 - - LXIX.--PHILOSOPHEE ON THE HALF-SHELL 227 - - LXX.--JOSH EPISTOLATES 229 - - LXXI.--ALMINAK FOR 1869 234 - - LXXII.--SUM NATRAL HISTRY 239 - - LXXIII.--MONOGRAFFS 242 - - LXXIV.--JOSH DOES UP HIS CORRESPONDENTS 247 - - LXXV.--CUPID ON A RAISE 251 - - LXXVI.--JOSH COMMENCES WITH HIS FRIEND 255 - - LXXVII.--JAW BONES 259 - -LXXVIII.--MORE PHILOSOPHY 260 - - - - -I. - -JOSH ON ICE. - - -Having herd mutch sed about skating parks, and the grate amount ov -helth and muscle they woz imparting tew the present generashun at a -slite advanse from fust cost, i bought a ticket and went within the -fense. - -I found the ice in a slippery condishun, covering about 5 akers ov -artyfishall water, which waz owned bi a stock company, and froze tew -order. - -Upon one side ov the pond waz erekted little grosery buildings, where -the wimmin sot on benches while the fellers (kivvered with blushes) -hitched the magick iron tew their feet. - -It waz a most exsiting scene: the sun waz in the skey--and the wind waz -in the air--and the birds were in the South--and the snow waz on the -ground--and the ice lay shivering with a bad kold--and angells (ov both -genders) flucktuated past me pro and con, 2 and fro, here a littl and -thare a good deal. - -It waz a most exsiting scene; I wanted tew holler "Bully" or lay down -and rool over. - -But i kept in, and aked with glory. - -Helth waz piktured on menny a nobell brow. Az the femail angells put -out ov the pond, side by side with the male angells, it waz the most -powerfull scene i ever stood behind. - -The long red tape from their necks swum in the breeze, and the feathers -in their jockeys fluttered in the breeze, and other things (tew muteh -to menshun) fluttered in the breeze. - -I don't think i ever waz more crazy before in mi life--on ice. - -For 2 long hours i stood and gazed with dum exsitement. - -I felt like a kanall hoss turned suddinly out to grass. - -I didn't kno how tew proceed. - -Az one ov the angells, more sudden than all the rest, cum flying down -the trak, 3 lengths ahed ov her male angell, awl eyes ware gorging with -her heavenly bust ov speed; she seemed tew hav cut luce from earth, and -waz bound South, for the Cape ov Good Hope, when awl tew onst, with -gorgous swoop terriffick, down-crumbling into a limpid heap she went -with squeak terriffick, a living lovely mass ov disastrous skirt and -tapring ankle. - -Awl gathered around the bursted angell; but lo! in a minnitt's space, -her wings agin was plumed, and evry feather waz in its lawfal plase; -and on she fled laffing like wine thru its buteous blushes. - -I had saw enuff--more happyness than belonged tew me--and az i sloly -wended back tew mi home at the tavern i felt--good. - - - - -II. - -SUM NATRAL HISTORY. - - -Thare iz no tuition so cheap and so handy az natral history. - -It prevails evrywhare; the cockroach and the behomath are built out ov -it, the lizard and the elephant are full ov it, it is the monkey's -right bower, and the kangaroo's best jump. - -The grass, the dandelion and the spinnage are its children; it is the -language ov creeping things, the majesta ov the mountin, the soul ov -the talking brook, and the inspiration ov the lambkin's tail. - -Natral history iz dogg cheap. - -To open our eyes, and think while we are looking iz aul the capital -necessary for the naturalizing bizzness. - -Who wouldn't be a naturalizer, when natur makes such cheap sacrifices -upon aul her alters, and holds the insense under our very nozes? - -This iz what ails me this morning, tew study the light-hearted -grasshopper, the relentless bed-bugger, and the elastick flea. - -The Bible sez, "The grasshopper is a burden," and i never knu the Bible -tew say anything that warnt so. - -When the grasshop begins tew liv they are verry small, but in a little -while thare gits tew be plenty ov them. - -They only liv one year at once, and then go back, and begin agin. - -Their best gait iz a hop, and with the wind on their quarters they can -make sum good time. - -They are a sure krop to raize, but sum years they raize more than -others. I hav seen sum fields so full ov them that you couldn't stick -another grasshopper in, unless you sharpened him off tew a pint. - -When they git so very plenty, they are very apt tew want tew start, and -then they bekum a traveling famine, and leave the road they take az -barren az the inside ov a country church during a week day. - -Grasshoppers don't seem tew be acktually necesary for our happiness, -but they may be; we don't even know what we want most. - -I don't want grasshops tew giv entirely out, not if they are a -blessing, but i hav thought (to myself) if they would let the grass and -cornstalks be, and pitch onto the burdoks and Canada thissells, i would -bet a few dollars on the thissells, jist tew encourage the fight, and -wouldn't care a cuss if they both got finally licked. - -But mi best judgment would be tew bet on the grasshops. - - * * * * * - -I never see ennybody yet but what despised _Bed Bugs_. They are the -meanest ov aul crawling, creeping, hopping, or biteing things. - -They dassent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak in, after dark, and chaw -him while he iz fast asleep. - -A musketo will fight you in broad dalite, at short range, and giv you a -chance tew knock in hiz sides--the flea iz a game bugg, and will make a -dash at you even in Broadway--but the bed-bugg iz a garroter, who waits -till you strip, and then picks out a mellow place tew eat you. - -If i was ever in the habit ov swearing, i wouldn't hesitate to damn a -bed bugg right tew hiz face. - -Bed bugs are uncommon smart in a _small_ way; one pair ov them will -stock a hair mattrass in 2 weeks, with bugs enuff tew last a small -family a whole year. - -It don't do enny good to pray when bed bugs are in season; the only way -tew git rid ov them iz tew bile up the whole bed in aqua fortis, and -then heave it away and buy a new one. - -Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend to, are about the size -ov a bluejay's eye, and hav a brown complexion, and when they start out -to garrote are az thin az a grease spot, but when they git thru -garroting they are swelled up like a blister. - -It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov them. - -If bed buggs have enny destiny to fill, it must be their stummuks; but -it seems tew me that they must hav bin made by acksident, jist az -slivvers are, tew stick into sumboddy. - -If they waz got up for sum wise purpose, they must hav took the wrong -road, for there kant be enny wisdum in chawing a man aul night long, -and raising a family, besides, tew foller the same trade. - -If thare iz sum wisdum in aul this, I hope the bed buggs will chaw them -folks who kan see it, and leave me be, bekause i am one ov the -hereticks. - - * * * * * - -The smallest animal ov the brute creashun, and the most pesky, iz the -_Flea_. - -They are about the bigness ov an onion seed, and shine like a bran new -shot. - -They spring from low places, and kan spring further and faster than -enny ov the bug-brutes. - -They bite wuss than the musketoze, for they bite on a run; one flea -will go aul over a man's subburbs in 2 minnits, and leave him az -freckled az the meazels. - -It iz impossible to do ennything well with a flea on you, except sware, -and fleas aint afraid ov that; the only way iz tew quit bizzness ov aul -kinds and hunt for the flea, and when you have found him, he ain't -thare. Thiz iz one ov the flea mysterys, the fackulty they hav ov being -entirely lost jist as soon as you hav found them. - -I don't suppose thare iz ever killed, on an average, during enny one -year, more than 16 fleas, in the whole ov the United States ov America, -unless thare iz a cazualty ov sum kind. Once in a while thare iz a dogg -gits drowned sudden, and then thare may be a few fleas lost. - -They are about az hard to kill az a flaxseed iz, and if you don't mash -them up az fine az ground pepper they will start bizzness agin, on a -smaller kapital, jist az pestiverous az ever. - -Thare iz lots ov people who have never seen a flea, and it takes a -pretty smart man tew see one ennyhow; they don't stay long in a place. - -If you ever ketch a flea, kill him before you do ennything else; for if -you put it oph 2 minnits, it may be too late. - -Menny a flea haz past away forever in less than 2 minnits. - - - - -III. - -LIVE YANKEES. - - -Live Yankees are chuck full of karakter and sissing hot with enterprize -and curiosty. - -In bild we find them az lean az a hunter's dorg, with a parched -countenance, reddy for a grin, or for a sorrow; ov elaastick step: -thortful, but not abstrakted; pashunt, bekauze cunnin; ever watchful; -slo to anger; avoiding a fight; but rezolute at bay. - -In dress alwuz slik, but not stuck up; their harness alwuz betrays them -wherever they go. - -The oil ov their langwidge iz their dezire tew pleze, and their greezy -words foreshadder a proffit. - -They are natral mechanicks; the histry ov man's necessitys iz the -histry ov their invenshuns. - -The Live Yankee haz no hum; hiz luv ov invenshun breeds a luv ov -change, and wharever a human trail shows itself we find him pantin on -the trak. - -He never gits sick at the stummuk in a furrin land, or grows -sentermental; the buty ov a river tew him iz its capacity for a -steambote; its sloping banks checker into bildin lots, and its poetry -waters might do the drudgery ov a cottin mill. - -He looks at a marble pyramid, guesses at its height, calkulates the -stone by the perch, and sells the magnifisent relick in Boston at a -proffit. - -He climbs the Alpin hights, crossed by conkerin heroes, and iz struk -with the proprierty ov tunneling it. - -He sits, cross-legged, beneath the sheltring vine and listens to the -oneazy sea, sees the warm promise ov the grape, and forgettin the holy -memrys ov the land ov song, grinds the smilin vintage into wine and -maiks a happy bargin. - -You can meet him in Constanternopel, makin up in grimace what he lacks -in langwidge, spreadin a plaster with hiz tounge, for the man ov -Mahomet. - -Go where you will, from the numb palsied North tew the swetting -limberness ov the South, from the top ov earth's mornin tew half past -eleven at night, and the everlastin Yankee you will find, either -vehement in an argue, or purswazive in a swop. - -Hiz religion iz praktikal; he mourns over the heathen, and iz reddy tew -save them by the job. - -He luvs liberty with a red pepper enthuziasm, and fully beleafs Nu -England kan whip the universe. - -If the phlegmatick Englishman brags about roast beef and hiz ansesters, -Jonathan haz a pumkin pie and a grandpop tew match them. - -If the Frenchman grows crazy over a frigazee ov frog's hind legs, -Jonathan pulls out a donut and a Rhode Island greening. - -If the dusky Italian talks about the mad vomits ov Vgesuvius, Jonathan -turns in the water power ov Niagara. - -In argument alwuz ernest, and in reazoning alwuz specius, this -progressive phenomena tramps the world with the skeleton ov a pattent -right in hiz carpet bag, and, in his ever open hand and face a pleasant -"Heow air yer?" - -If you would save your pride from bein sandpapered, risk it not in a -dicker with Jonathan. - -Hiz razor is the true Damascus, strapped on the wand ov Midas for a -golden harvest; hiz sanctity iz often shrewdness, and hiz sweet savor -iz often the reflekted halo ov the comin shillin. - -Constitushunaly and by edukashun honest, he iz alwuz reddy tew cry for -the deeds dun in the boddy; hiz hospitalitys and charities are -cerimonial dutys, and if hiz religion iz sometimes only the severitys -ov a sabbath, it iz bekauze hiz bias iz the thursting impulse ov a -creatin genius chained tew the more sordid pashun for lucre. - - - - -IV. - -LINCH-PINS. - - -I want to bet 3 Dollars, that no man ever matched himself agin the -Devil, but what he got beat. - -And I want to bet one dollar and seventy-five cents more, that thare is -no villin on airth so grately mean az he who reccommends a vice that he -has too mutch prudence to indulge in himself. - -I hav held, that if a man iz virtuous, he kan't be ignorant; and i -still hold it. - -Aim hi, if you strike low. The man who undertakes tew jump 375 feet -ahed, will sertinly make a good try. - -I never knu a man who was alwus anxious tew repent uv his sins before -he had committed them, who didn't want the sharpest kind ov watching. - -"Don't put oph till to-morrow what kan be did to-day." It is better -even to do a foolish thing at onst, if you have positiffly made up yure -mind to do it. - -I never bet enny stamps on the man who iz always telling what he would -have did if he had bin _thare_; I hav notised that this kind never git -_thare_. - -Faith don't appear to me tew be ennything more than tip top good sense; -all the faith thare is in this world now wont keep a man from falling -to the bottom of a well if he lets go ov the curb to spit on hiz hands. - -When i git to not having enny good luck, it duz seem to me that i kan -hav more ov it than enny man i ever knu, and not half try; i suppose it -seems jist so to you, my friend, don't it? - -I kant think ov enny talent now, that iz so apt to descend from father -to son, untarnished, as the gift ov exaggeration. - -"Thare aint ennything nu under the sun." The old feller in Connekticut, -who carried the same old jack-knife for 43 years, and wore out 9 new -handles, and 12 setts ov blades, sez so. - -Thare aint, after all, but one right way to dew things. I hav seen kows -that you could milk on both sides, but they wan't more than haff broke. - -A man may hav a perfek right to be born single, but I dought whether he -haz a right tew continny on so. - -I take it, that the excellence of human natur consists in lifting the -greatest amount ov sorrow with the least amount ov grin. - -Them who make the most blow, hav the least fragranse--it iz jess so -with the hollerhauk. - -The best edukashun a man receives in this life, he gits just before he -dize, and it mostly consists in forgetting what he haz larnt before. - -The world looks with kold respek upon an ackt ov justiss, but heave up -their hats at a display ov mersy. Yet the one iz the strength ov -virtue, while the other iz most often its gratest weakness. - -A mind that haz more imaginashun than sense iz like a goose--fust rate -tew fli down hill. - -I don't think the world haz enny Civilizashun tew spare, but i think -she haz more than she kan manage well. - -Poetri, tew be excellent, wants tew be like natur, but about 4 times az -big. - - - - -V. - -GOOSE TALK. - - -The goose is a grass-animal but don't chaw her cud. - -They are good livers; about one aker to a goose iz enuff, altho there -iz sum folks who thinks one goose tew 175 akers, is nearer right. - -These two calculations are so fur apart, it iz difficult tew tell now, -which will finally win. - -But i don't think, if i had a farm ov 175 akers, awl paid for, that i -would sell it for half what it was worth, just bekauze it didn't hav -but one goose on it. Geese stay well; sum ov our best biographers say, -70 years, and grow tuff tew the last. - -They lay one egg at once, about the size of a goose egg, in which the -gosling lies hidd. - -The gosling iz the goose's babe. - -The goose don't suckle hiz young, but turns him out tew pasture on -sumboddy's vacant lot. - -They seem tew lack wisdum, but are considered generally sound on the -goose. - -They are good eating, but not good chawing; the reason ov this remains -a profound sekret to this day. - -When the femail goose iz at work hatching, she iz a hard bird tew -pleaze; she riles clear up from the bottom in a minnit, and will fight -a yoke ov oxen, if they show her the least bit ov sass. The geese iz -excellent for feathers, which she sheds every year by the handful. - -They are also amphibicuss, besides several other kinds ov cuss. - -But they are mostly cureiss about one thing: they kan haul one leg up -into their body, and stand on tuther, awl day, and not tutch ennything -with their hands. - -I take notis, thare ain't but darn few men kan dew this. - - - - -VI. - -JOSH BILLINGS: - -HIZ SHADE TREE. - - -Sum fu years ago, when i want so old nor near so hansum az i am now, i -waz a feller citizen in one ov the sudden towns, which during the past -25 years, hav fairly sprung up, az it were, by necromancy, in the -western country. At that time I waz verry ritch and owned a house, and -lot. At one corner, on mi lot, stood, or rather leaned, a tree, az -awkward az a shanghi rusetor; it bent at least 3 different ways, and -its limbs were az sprawling az tho it had bin born in a nort-west -storm. I had sum pride in them days, and longed to put that shade tree -out ov misery. - -The tree was a nondescribe, but seemed tew be a mingling ov the silver -popular, which haz sich uneazy leaves, and a species ov soft maple. I -would hav cut it down if mi heart had bin sharp enuff; but altho i hav -lived on the edge ov the wilderness for more than half ov mi life, i -never yet saw a tree fall before the choppers, but a shudder crept out -ov me, it seemed so mutch like a wanton cruelty. - -But i had manned mi guns fur one thing, and that waz, the tree had got -tew be trimmed. I had four nabors near at hand; two lived upon the same -side ov the street that I did, and the other two didn't. - -They were mi Apollos, and when i wanted enny soothsaying done, i went -tu them. - -I will say one thing for these nabors, they waz always willing tew give -_advice_. - -Accordingly i asked each one ov them, az opportunity offered, how the -tree should be clipped. - -The first one suggested to leave the lower branches intact, and take -oph the head ov the tree, and then it would soon form a cone, compact -and graceful, like an umbreller on duty. - -This plan pleased me, bekauze it had bin mi plan. - -The next one picked out certain limbs, that positively must cum off. - -The third one had hiz noshun, which he knu waz right; and the fourth -one never saw a tree ov that kind trimmed but one way, which he -suggested in sich an unmistakabel manner, that I felt like a pashunt in -the hands ov a root dokter, willing tew take enny thing. - -After fully elaborating each one ov the four diagnosiss ov the kase, i -went tew work like a humbel christshun tew carry the whole ov them out. - -I had no trouble in doing this. But the tree (the Lord watch over mi -poor shade tree!) was nothing but a gaunt stick about 10 feet hi, too -crooked to fall, not a limb nor a leaf on it, and too frightful even -for a hitching post. - -1st Moral--Advice iz good only az corroborating testimony. - -2nd Moral--If yu put yureself into the hands ov yure frends, yu must -expekt that the kindness ov their hearts iz no protekshun aginst the -willfullness ov their judgments. - -3rd Moral--Advice iz like a doktor's pills: it iz often advisabel tew -_receive_ them without _taking_ them. - -4th Moral--One man kan alwus milk a cow better than 4 kan. - - - - -VII. - -JOSH CORRESPONDS FREELY WITH 3 FELLOWS. - - -_Shortfellow._--Yure views are correkt; thare iz no telling what hosses -will trot by looking at them. Lady Thorne and Dexter are no more bilt -alike than the Black Crook and Flying Scud. Neither do i think that -pedigree ever makes a hoss fast enny more than it makes a man smart. -Hambletonian and sum ov the kings ov England hav both sired lunkheads. -If a hoss iz made right, he can proceed fast, i don't kare who made -him. Flying Dutchman lived and died, and left a two-mile heat on the -books that haint bin duplikated yet, and about aul that iz known ov him -iz that he waz got in a brickyard in Pensilvany. Tom Thum went the fust -100 miles in 10 hours that waz ever did, and he had no more pedigree -than a prary dorg, or a Digger injun. Who ever heard ov Flory Temple -having enny pedigree? - -If she ever gits one, it will be like menny ov the epitaffs we read in -the graveyards--courteous libels. - -I hav seen French ponys go on the ice faster than you could telegraff, -bilt like a pumpkin seed, and with a pedigree just about as pure as a -dock rat's. - -Still, if you or i should talk these things among the literati ov the -hoss stabel, we should probably git our front teeth knocked out. If i -waz going tew buy a trottin hoss i would't ask about his pedigree enny -more than i would ask who made a mint julep. If the hoss didn't suit -me, i am dredful sertain the pedigree wouldn't. Old Eclipse never waz -beaten in hiz day, and his full brother wasn't fast enuff for a modern -hearse hoss. - -_Bigfellow._--Trout fishing iz a good deal like painting picktures--you -have got to be born how; you kant learn how. It don't require the -genius ov a statesman tew know how tew ketch a trout; but the two best -trout fishers I ever knu waz Daniel Webster and old Ishmael. Both were -natiffs ov Nu England; one ov them everyboddy iz proud to remember, and -the other waz a simple old nigger; but i think the old dark waz the -best fisher ov the two. - -He would walk up tew a hole in the brook, whare a big trout lay az -careless and yet az still az a hen turkey, and stand thare till the -fish mistook him for the stub ov a tree, then would drop his worm, or -hiz grasshopper, or (if the seazon waz right) would danse hiz flie -above the trout's head so literal that the fish would bite merely from -the force ov habit, whether he waz hungry or not. - -This old Afrikan alwus started out for trout just as a dorg duz for -mischief, the other way from whare he waz going, and never cum back -without a trophy. The best kind of a trout pole for brook-fishing grows -along side ov the brook. They are black alder, and have the same kind -ov a taper that a rat tarrier's tale duz. Twelve foot is long enuff for -the pole, and the brook that don't raize them somewhare on its banks iz -not a good trout stream. But thare aint room enuff in a letter for me -tew talk trout. Go with me sumtime next May among the mountains, and i -will show yu how tew win theze little spotted morsels from their wet -and noisy homes. But--though I like company generally--tew be honest -about it, trout fishing iz a good deal like sparking--one feller at a -time iz enuff. - -_Littlefellow._--Yu tell me in your letter "that musik iz yure -egstatick bliss; that yure soul iz sot tew musick, and feeds on its -gorgous viands." I am glad tew hear yu say so, for now i know yu won't -never du enny big mischief in this world. Ennyboddy who loves musick az -much az yu say you do, don't want enny other kind ov oats. I am -unfortunate in this direkshun. I don't kno one note from another, -unless it iz a bank-note, and i never had enny ear for musick since i -waz a boy. Once in a while, in them daze, the schoolmarm, in lifting me -up off from the bench by the ears tew see how heavy i waz, would start -the musick out of me. I never tended but one gorgous opera in my life, -and it won't never be convenient for me tew tend another. A forrin -woman sung sum ov the "gorgous viands" yu speak ov. She was very fat -herself, and want very thoroughly drest about the neck and naber hood. -She threw her head back like a sled runner, and yelled az tho she had a -rat on her. I expekted every minnit tew see her arrested for breaking -the piece. I suppose if i had the right kind ov taste for gorgous -vittles, this kind ov musick would eat me good. I heard a milkmaid once -sing, in a cow-yard, as she sot by the side ov a heifer just as the sun -waz setting. It waz a love story song. Perhaps there was no gorge in -it; but there waz sumthing in it that made me feel sorry aul over. This -iz aul i kno about musick. I could listen aul day tew that kind ov soft -sadness she sung about, and feel lonesum and lonesummer aul the time. - - - - -VIII. - -MONOGRAFFS. - - -The _Jealous Man_ iz alwus a-hunting. - -He is alwus a-hunting for sumthing that he don't expeckt tew find, and -after he haz found it then he iz mad bekauze he haz. - -Theze fellers don't beleaf in spooks, and yet they are about the only -folks who ever see enny. A jealous man iz alwus happy, jist in -perposhun az he iz mizerable. - -Jelosy iz a disseaze, and it iz a good deal like sea sickness--dreadful -sick, and kan't vomit. - -The _Anonymous Man_ boards at a red tavern, and pays for hiz board bi -tending bar occasionly. He hain't got any more karakter than the jack -ov spades haz, when it ain't trumps. - -He iz a loafer bi profession, without enny vices. - -He rides on the box, once in a while, with the driver, and noboddy -thinks ov asking him for hiz stage fare. - -He iz az useless az an extra pump would be in the desert ov Sarah. - -He sprung from a respektable family; his great grandfather woz a -justiss ov the peace; but he has not got vanity enuff tew brag on it. - -He ain't necessarily a phool, enny more than a bull's eye watch iz; if -enny boddy will wind him up, he will sett still, and run quietly down. - -The _Stiff Man_ looks down, when he walks, upon folks. He don't seem -tew hav but one limber jinte in him, and that iz lokated in hiz noze. - -He is a kind of maskuline turkey, on parade in a barn-yard. - -He iz generally loaded with wisdum clear up tew the muzzell, and when -he goes oph, makes a noize like a cannon, but don't dew enny dammage. - -I hav seen him fire into a crowd, and miss evry man. - -This kind ov _stiff man_ iz verry handy tew flatter. They seem tew know -they ain't entitled tu a good artikle, and, tharefore, are satisfied -with hard soap. - -Thare ain't but fu men who git stiff on what they acktually know, but -most aul ov them git stiff on what they acktually feel. - -Stiff men are called aristokrats, but this ain't so. Thare ain't no -such thing as aristokrats in this country. - -The country ain't long enuff yet, unless a man haz got sum Indian in -him. - -Az a gen'ral thing, stiff men git mad dredful eazy, and have tew git -over it dredful eazy, bekauze folks ain't apt tew git a big skare at -what they ain't afraid ov. - -_Stiff man_ had a grandfather once, who went tew Congress from our -distrikt, and thare ain't one in the whole family that hav been able -tew git limber sinse. - -The _Model Man_ never disturbs a hen when she iz setting; never speaks -cross tew a lost dogg; always puts a five cent shinplaster in hiz vest -pockett late Saturday night, tew hav it ready Sunday morning for the -church platter; rizes whenever a lady enters the street kars; remembers -your uncle plainly, and asks after all the family. If he steps on a -kat's tail, is sure to do it light, and immegiately asks her pardon; -reads the PHUNNY PHELLOW, and laffs bekause he kan't help it; hooks up -hiz wife's dress, and plays hoss with the children. Never meddles with -the cream on the milk-pans; goes eazily of errands and cums back in -seazon; attends every boddy's phuneral; kan always tell when the moon -changes; thinks just az yu do, or the other way if you want him to; -follows evry boddy's advice but hiz own; praktices most ov the virtews -without knowing it; leads the life ov a shorn lamb; gits sick after a -while, and dies az soon az he kan, tew save making enny further -trubble. - -The model man's vices are not feared, nor hiz virtews respekted. He -lives in the memory of the world just about az long az a pleasant day -duz. - -He may be called a "clever feller," and that iz only a libel; but he -will git hiz reward herafter--when the birds get theirs. - - - - -IX. - -HONESTA IZ THE BEST POLISY. - - -The author ov this proverb waz either a very shrude man, or he -acksidentily spoke what he didn't think. - -Honesta iz, in mi opinyun, a mere matter ov polisy. - -Man iz, waz, and alwus will be, a dishonest critter by natur. - -It iz az natral for him tew steal when he wants tew, az it iz tew blo -hiz noze. - -In order tew git sosiety into decent shape, so that the masheen could -be run without a continual bust, it waz absolutely necessary that man -should make himself honest. - -If that hadn't hav bin did, it wouldn't hav bin safe tew leave a -saw-mill out of doors after dark. Hence honesta bekum a matter ov -polisy, and it works well. - -The fear ov the law here, and the law hereafter, haz furnished us sum -very clever specimens of Christianity. - -Serpoze thare waz no law agin 2 wives, how menny men iz thare in yure -naberhood, that wouldn't sustain the law? - -I hav thought that aul the virtues, and aul the affekskuns, (except the -few which are instinkts, and which we and the dogs have just about -alike,) are mere opprashuns of polisy. - -Ov course the virtews improve by hoeing, and mankind haz bekum better, -just az they hav bekum richer, by keeping their munny and morals at 10 -per cent. interest. - -Menny folks are down on luxurys, and plum puddin, but i aint; the more -puddin folks hav, the more they will develop. - -Stop the hanker in human natur for any more plum puddin, and nu -bonnets, and in about 450 years, men and wimmin would all go tew grass, -az Nebucunesser did. - -Once more, honesta and virtew, in the lump, are not natral, but matters -ov polisy; i may be wrong about this, but if i am, enny boddy else kan -git wrong the same way i hav, by asking himself about hiz own human -natur. - -Human natur iz the same aul over north amerika, except in those places -whare they subsist by playing poker, and thare it depends a good deal -upon the number of aces in a pack; i hav seen sum packs that had 9 aces -in them, upon the principle that 5 aces will beat 4 aces and a king. - - - - -X. - -GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT. - -AT BILLINGSVILLE. - -_Oct. 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, & 20th._ - -JOSH BILLINGS, REPORTER. - - -Agrikultur iz the mother ov provisions; she iz also the grandmother. - -If it want for agricultur, thare wouldn't be enny beans, and if it want -for enny beans, thare wouldn't be enny suckertash. - -Agrikultur waz fust diskovered by Cain, and has been diskovered since -to be an honest way to get a hard living. - -Pumpkins owes aul her success tew agrikultur, so duz lettis, and -bukwheat. - -The Billingsville agrikultural society opened Oct. ten, and waz a -powerful success. - -The reciepts ov the Agrikultural Fair waz upwards ov $30,000 (if mi -memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.) - -The Hon. Virgil Bickerstaff, the next agrikultural member ov Congress -from our district, sold the agrikultur pools. - - -FUST DAY. - -A puss ov ten dollars was trotted for by sucking colts, that had never -trotted before for munny. - -Thare waz thirteen entries. - -Thare waz 60,000 people on the track to witness the rase, (if mi memry -serves me rite, and i think she duz.) - -The puss was won amid vociferous exclamashuns by a red colt, and the -waving ov handkerchiefs, with a strip in his face, and the fainting ov -several fust-class females, and one white foot behind. - - -SEKOND DAY. - -It rained like a perpendikular aul day, and no trotting could be had, -so the audience aul went hum, cussing and swaring, and offering tew bet -four tew six on the Pete Tucker colt. - - -THIRD DAY. - -The sun highsted up in the east more butyfuller than i ever saw her -before, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she does.) - -It waz a fust rate day for agrikultur, or enny other man. - -A puss ov 30 dollars waz trotted for, by sum 2 year old colts. - -This rase did not attract much affection, on account ov the time being -so slow. - -Time, 2 minnits and 38 seconds. - - -FOURTH DAY. - -This waz fur 3 or 4 years old, who hadn't never beat 2.25. - -Thare waz 26 entrys; they couldn't aul trot tew once, so they took -turns. - -This rase waz won after a bitter contest, by Pete Tucker's colt. - -He waz immediately offered a thousand dollars and a fust-rate farm, -well-stocked, for the colt, by three different agrikultural men, but -with a grate deal ov indignant good sense, he skorned to stoop so low. - -Pete Tucker, and his whole family, are aul hoss. - - -FIFTH DAY. - -It rained agin like thunder and lightning, and the day waz spent in -betting on the weight ov hosses. - -Sevral good hoss-swops waz also did. - -One man swopped two hosses fur one; this struck me as a devilish good -thing, but everyboddy else said it waz soft. - -At the end ov the fifth day i cum away. - -I got so full ov hoss, that ever since when i laff i kant keep from -whinnering. - -The fare waz kept up for 10 daze, and sum red hot time waz made. - -I think 2 minnits and 10 sekunds waz made, (if my memry serves me rite, -and i think she duz.) - -I forgot tew say that thare was two yoke ov oxens on the ground, beside -sevral yokes ov sheep and a pile ov carrots, and some worsted work, but -they didn't seem to attrakt enny simpathy. - -The people hanker fur pure agrikultural hoss-trots. - - - - -XI. - -JOSH BILLINGS DEFINES HIS POSITION. - - -DEAR WORLD:-- - -I got yure letter by acksident, and reply verry mutch az follers: - -I am a black Republican, with white antycedents. - -I alwus waz agin slavery ov enny kind; not bekause it was -constitutional, but bekause it waz ungodly. - -I don't beleave the best judges ov color kan pick out a negro's soul in -the Kingdom ov Heaven. - -I believe in the doktrine ov secession--if i don't like my home, and am -21, i have a rite tew go oph, but i haint got enny rite tew take the -old man's farm or hiz tin-ware with me. - -I am in favor ov being made Post-master in our city, but i am about the -only man that iz, which speaks well for the disinterestedness ov our -citizens. - -I am also in favor ov short stories, when a man haint got mutch tew -say. - -Yours, tenderly, - -JOSH BILLINGS. - - - - -XII. - -COLD PIECES. - - -It don't appear tew me that envy kan pay well, for those whom we envy -most are alwus envying somebody else. - -Hope often cheats us, but yet how eazy it is tew forgiv the sassy jade. - -Men ov talents kan be criticised, but a genius kant,--criticism is a -mere string and plummet,--the eagle roosts too hi for tape lines. - -Mi idee ov fust-rate poetry iz that kind that reads just exactly az I -should have wrote it. - -Yu kant phool a wise man with praise that aint true. - -Persekution will make even kanada thissells grow. - -If you trade with a Yankee, steal hiz jack-knife fust; for if he gits -tew whitling, yu are gone in spite of thunder. - -Passion makes more mistakes than ignorance duz. - -Fools don't kno their strength; if they did, they would keep still. - -Buty iz a dangerous gift; for it is seldum accompanied with much -virtue, energy, or wisdum. - -Most ennyboddy kan slide down hill: thare iz only now and then one who -can slide up hill. - -A man may be a very good judge ov a county court, and yet be a very -poor judge ov himself. - -What a cumfort it iz tew be pittyed by a 200-thousand-dollar friend! -tew be told that better daze are coming! that perseverance will overkum -all obstakles! such a warm friend iz just about az much use to you az a -painted sun, on a garden wall, would be to ripen sass with, in a cloudy -day. - -One ov mi ideas ov a perfect gentleman iz, the man who is eazy to -please. - -I kno ov no love, that is so much love, and nothing else, az the love -ov a father for a daughter. - -I love the old primeval forests. I love them bekause they kant be cut -up tew enny advantage into village lots. - -I hav got a dreadful poor memory, and think I aint sorry for it, for mi -experiences in life, thus far have 2 thirds ov them been more pleasant -tew forgit than tew remember. - -Tru happiness seems tew consist in wanting awl that we kan enjoy, and -then gitting awl we want. - -I don't belief in total abstinence, enny more than I belief in total -blindness, but I do belief in the reasonable gratification ov awl the -desires that God haz given us. - -Politeness iz dreadful simple if yu take the ceremony out ov it, but, -in sifting out the ceremony, yu will often sift out the politeness. - -The most selfish persons I hav ever known hav been those who are alwus -professing grate luv for others. - -Prudery iz virtue, always willing to be tempted. - -Thare iz nothing that will hu a man tew a sharp point like -adversity,--adversity iz the hunger ov the soul. - -Gold iz the standard ov value, but wisdum iz the standard ov -perfekshun; united, they are the standard-bearers ov the world. - - - - -XIII. - -LETTER FROM JOSH BILLINGS. - - -MY DEAR PRESS: - -Yu ask me "how i like the lekturing bizzness," and "what success i hav -met with," and "what iz the tru natur ov the lektur i hav bin -dispensing?" - -Briefly thus i reply: - -Two years ago I jined the band ov lekturin marters, and hav -"tramp'd--tramp'd!" ever sinse, and az near az i kan rekolekt now, i -think i kant tell. - -Mi lektur iz an attempt tew be comick. - -Humor iz hybrid, and iz a nice cross between sense and nonsense. - -I don't think it haz ever bin well defined: it iz like the smell ov a -flower, hard tew diskribe. - -Thare iz just about az mutch real humor in the best ov geniuses az -thare iz juise in a lemmon: one good squeeze takes it out, and thare iz -nothing but seeds and skin left. - -It soon bekums hackney'd, and its authors live prekariously for about 3 -years on the fust 6 months ov their reputashun, and then go in their -holes and only cum out onst in a while to sun themselfs and be stupid. - -I hav known men tew tell 4 good storys, and then spile them awl bi -telling one poor one. - -Thare iz nothing the world iz so slow to applaud az success, and -nothing they are so smart at diskovering az a failure. - -Mutch ov a humorist's success depends upon the physick ov hiz aujence: -a man who haz the dispepshee fust rate laffs under protest, but if hiz -dinner rides easy you kan tickle him with a skoop-shovel. - -Humor sometimes lurks in the way a thing iz ced, and i hav seen men who -earned their fun in the wrinkles ov their face. - -Nonsense ain't humor, it iz only a jest. - -Humor must hav sum truth in it, and a good deal don't hurt it. - -I have seen a fust rait story spilte in being told, and i hav seen a -poor story so well told, that if the man had applied for it he could -hav had it pattented and no questions asked. - -If an aujence refuse tew be tickled, yu might az well talk tew a -grave-yard in the ded ov winter; but if yu git them onst mellow yu kan -then stick yure thum into them anywhare. - -But mi opinyun now iz that thare ain't no rule for success with a -comick lektur. - -A cold-blooded philosphick lektur is just az eazy az turning a -grinstone: the aujence are obliged tew hold their hatchets on, and they -are sure tew git ground out after a while: but you kant tell a man when -tew laff; he knows what pleazes him, just az well az he knows what eats -good; yu kant play a burnt slapjack, nor one that ain't well dun, onto -him. - -Thar ain't nothing more straining tew a humorist than tew have tew stop -and explane a joke. - -I hav just got hum from Boston: i put 2 spokes into the hub at Tremont -Temple the two fust nights in Febuary: I lektured 15 nights in -Massachewsetts. - -I don't kno whether it waz a success or not: awl i kno iz i felt good -myself. - -Humurous lekturs, without the aid ov canvass or pantomime, are tuff tew -do. - -I think now i shall either git up a philosophicall lektur on the culler -ov the Red Sea, or the hump ov the cammel's back, or quit lekturing. - -I kan steal a good philosophicall lektur out ov sum library; but these -cussed humurous lekturs hav so mutch original in them (or ought to hav) -that yu kant kalkulate on them for certain--they are like twins, they -kant be had nor they kant be stopped. - -Upon the whole, az near az i kan guess, mi opinyun iz that humor iz a -natral dissease, that a man kant ketch nor kant giv tew ennyboddy else. - - - - -XIV. - -WISDUM CHUNCKS. - - -The best time ov the moon to plant beans iz when--the grownd iz aul -rite. - -Slovens are always the fust tew caul our attenshun tew their -slovenness, by their exkewses for it. - -Don't tawk so mutch, my friend! Yu don't kno but little, and ort tew be -saving ov it. - -Book critiks shood be treeted az the farmers do their swine--rung, and -then turned out to critysize. - -The man with little branes, and the man with little ammunishun, shood -hunt alike; they shood take ame a good while, and then always shut, -into a flock. Avoyd single burds. - -Deer reeder, don't find fawlt with an awthur who makes yu laff; it is -no more an evidence of weekness to laff than it iz ov strength tew look -mad. - -Menny ov the enormittys ov life have bin committed in the name ov -religun--enormittys that make h--l blossom like the rose. - -Bewty never dies; it iz like truth; they both hav an immortality -sumwhare. - -I hav got a fust rate opinyun ov resignashun, but i don't think enny -man iz in dewty bound to thank the Lord every time sum careless cuss -steps on hiz soar tow. - -We hear a grate deel about progresshun, and the importunse ov it, but i -am just big phool enuff to think that 8 or 10 ov the new things are -either false, or are old things spiled bi altering. - -What mankind stand most in need ov, just now, is simplissity. - -Men judge each other bi their suksess, not bi their undertakings; but -the Lord judges bi the undertaking, not bi the suksess. - -Thare iz a grate deel more timidity among men than thare iz temerity; -one iz the attribute ov littleness, and the other ov grateness. - -The best kind ov purfewm for the person, that i know ov, iz cleenness. - -Truth iz radicul; fickshun iz consurvativ. - -What a man must hav, he kan most ginnerally git. - -Thare iz no such thing az clozing our ize to the fakt that tilting -skirts enable us to see a good deel more ov fashunable sosiety. - -Sudden ritches don't often improve ennybody. - -Vertchew walks without help, but vice goes on crutches. - -Thare iz one advantage in being poor: thare ain't no danger ov -mistaking flattery for praze. - -Bobtaled peekox don't travel mutch on their pride. - -Take the axidents out ov this life, and how menny men iz thare who wood -sukseed or fale? - -Friendship iz a mirror which we hold up tew uthers, tew see ourselfs -in. - -Deep thinkers laff with their mowth. - -A man iz a phool just in proporshun az he iz known better bi sumboddy -else than he knows himself. - -Novelty iz a good deel like a kitten's tale, soon played out. - -The world owes most ov its refinement tu 2 verry difrunt things--the -Bible, and the looking-glass. - -Trew critysism consists in giving a man credit for the good things he -sez, and not cussin him for the good things he don't say. - - - - -XV. - -BILLIARDS. - - -Evryboddy seems tew be gitting crazy over a new game, which haz jist -bin diskovered, called billyards. - -It iz played on the top ov a tabel which iz a little longer than it iz -square, and the game seems tew konsist in pushing sum round red bawls -agin sum round white bawls, until they drop into sum little pudding -bags which are hung unto the outside ov the tabel. - -It takes 2 men tew play the game, but 4 or 5 can look on. - -They take oph their coats, and stand clus up to the tabel, with a short -piece ov a fishpole in their hands, which has a chalk mark onto the end -ov it. - -Then one begins, by giving one ov the bawls a punch in the belly, which -sends it agin the next one's belly, and so on, till the other fellow's -turn fur punching comes on. - -But yu ought tew see the game; it kant be delineated bi words. - -One feller generally beats the other feller, and then he pays the -landlord ov the consarn 25 cents fur the privilege ov gitting beat, and -buys sum gin, with lemonade in it, and aul hands drink. - -Then 2 more takes holt ov the fishpoles, and they punch fur a spell, -and so it goes on till 2 o'clock in the morning; then each goes hum, -having enjoyed fine exercise, a little drunk perhaps; but the muscles -in their breast are so expanded that they can't ketch the consumption -nor the smaul pox. - -_This iz billyards._ - - - - -XVI. - -JOSH BILLINGS "RIZES." - - -GENTLEMEN AND MISTER CHAIRMAN:-- - -I rise with grate diffidence fur the fust time in mi life, tew address -an impromptew assemblage. What i can say iz instant, and i kant alter -it; i kant sit doun, or stand up, and studdy a thing out, enny more -than i kan sit doun and think how tew lift a ton. We have met here just -fur fun; and i beleaf that aul things, including truth, hav a fun -redikilous side tew them, and i fully beleaf, that while Satan, with -consumate skill, fills hiz ranks bi the arts ov seduction, virtue -should resort tew the same means. I beleaf in sugar-coated pills, and i -beleaf that virtue and wisdom kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a -good natured proverb, better and deeper than to be morticed into it -with a wormwood mallet and chisel. We hav met tew celebrate the -birth-day ov a Sunday newspaper; the child iz a year old and iz growing -nicely. Sum people doubt the propriety ov Sunday newspapers; they seem -tew think that the Sabbath waz made only fur the acts ov sectarian -worship, but i beleaf that religion was never designed az a bizness, -but only tew regulate and correct bizzness with,--I should az soon -think ov tunelling Hoosick Mounting bi prayer,--when a people devote -aul their time tew religion, superstition and bigotry are sure tew -prevale. - -[Illustration: Josh Billings makes a few miscellaneous remarks about -"virtew and wisdom," before a literary association of the citizens of a -neighboring town.--_See page 60._] - -Man iz the only thing created with power tew laff; birds and flowers -can almost dew it, and dogs would like tew. Mules smile with their -heels. - -Fun waz made fur the million, ethicks fur the few, and the man who kan -invent a generous and healthy sauce tew enliven a dish ov biled greens -with, iz a Christian. Fun may never have furnished a splendid dinner, -but it has helped swaller menny a poor one. - -"Six days shalt thou laber, and on the seventh rest,"--thare iz no -laber in fun, and a Sunday newspaper does aul its work on Saturday. - -I had rather tend one wedding than a dozen funerals; and a birth, even -if it aint ennything more than the hatching ov a duck's eg, iz alwus -another suckcess. - -Life iz short, and that iz one grate reason whi it ought alwus tew be -cheerful, and i fully beleaf, that when Gabrel blows hiz horn, the -first ones that will rise, will ware a smile on their faces. - -Judas betrayed with a laff, and a kiss, but the fun ov the thing waz, -he went oph and hung hisself. - -He that kant laff iz tew be pityed, and him that wont laff iz tew be -feared. - -I am clean thru. This iz my maiden speech, and i will bet 10 dollars -that i won't never run the risk ov doing it agin. Adew. - - - - -XVII. - -BILLINGS ON PILLS. - - -P'OKEEPSIE, Jan. 1st, 1867. - -DEAR DOKTER BONESETT: - -Thru the politeness ov Mr. John Smith, i cum in possession ov yure -valuabel letter, at about 9 o'clock night before last, in which yu -offer me 10 dollars for a poultiss. - -I hay had a fair chance to use yure pills upon several important -occasions, and can sware posatively that they kan beat enny pills ov -their size i ever contended with. - -Underneath this letter yu will find a poultiss which i think will draw. - -If yu see fit to use it, yu kan emit the 10 dollars by mail, at our -risk. - -In the mean time, bet freely than i am yure humble servant, - -JOSH BILLINGS. - - * * * * * - -POULTISS. - -Barnabass Bonesett, M.D., (mutch dokter,) chuck full ov faith, bloze -his horn, and bi these presents duz blo hiz horn about hiz "Lightning -Express and Serio-Sensation pills" a cumfert and a joy to man. - -Theze pills are of rutes--rutey, and kost the Author 4 years in the -wilderness, besides sleepless nights, and anxious days, tew git them -down to a spot, without blemish and filled with fun. - -These pills will kure deffness, dipthery and dandruff--are good -for baldness, bronkreeters and baksliding--are sertin tew heal -hedake, hifalutin, and hangnails--will remove warts, windgauls and -wens--destroy awl longings, lassitudes, laziness--will soothe the -sorrowful, cam the crazy, and kure a common sized fit in 2 minnits. - -They are closs packed in little round boxes, and each little box -kontains 2 dozen and 2, or no sail. - -Each box iz dun up in a trakt, which sez that they are az sure to cure, -az lightning iz tew strike what it starts for. - -On the top ov the box iz a full sized painting ov the Author, with a -grub hoe in one hand, and a whole parsell ov roots in the other--with a -napsack on hiz back, and mountains in the distance, tew which he iz -pinting with the grub hoe--them iz the mountains whare he gits the -rutes. - -On the top ov each little round box, iz these words, in a forrin tung, -"_Hocus pocus, quod constallus_," which being biled down means, -"_purely vegetabels_." - -For sum more partikulars, cummune with the author. - -(Signed) BARNABASS BONESETT, M.D. - - - - -XVIII. - -JOSH IN SARATOGA. - - -SARATOGA, _Sept. 8, 1867_. - -DEAR WEEKLY:--Don't think I am going to ruin, don't think i am totaly -spilte, bekauze yu happen to hear from me at this grate drinking place. -I am here on urgent and melankolly bizzness, looking for mi -Newfoundland pup, not quite 5 months old yet, that I lost lately. - -Saratogy never appeared tew me so free from _white swellings_ az it duz -now. I haint seen a dozen people ov the ballon purswashion, but almost -evry one i meets ackts just az tho they had sum good common sense, and -had brought enuff along with them to last while they staid. - -Shoddy & Petroleus hav gone tew Europe, to astonish Paris with their -paste diamonds and fire gilt familys. - -Thare is about 4 thousand strangers here just now, and the liberal way -that they invest in the katharticks ov the situation iz suggestive. - -Yesterday i saw a bride and her new feller at Congress Spring. She waz -a rosy and a roomy bride. He waz bilt to run in shallow water, rather a -light draft chap, i thought; but he took 9 consekutiff glasses without -flinching, and, i think, would have held one more. - -He looked a hundred pounds bigger. I waz filled with horror at the -sight, but soon had aul mi fears soothed, when i saw almost everybody -present wash themsels internally with five or six tumblers full ov this -liquid salts and perilash. - -Congress Hall iz being rebuilt with bricks on the old ground, and iz at -least 15 rods front on Broadway, with 2 wings az menny rods deep, and -will cost 400 thousand dollars, and will feed, sleep, and physick one -thousand festive sons and daughters at onst. - -Evry house here, except the churches, iz a boarding house; aul the -femail seminiaries, and akademys of the arts and sciences, fill up -their summer vakations with spring-water pupils. - -The great tiger ov the place iz the hi rock spring; this now flows over -its conical summit, something that it haz not done before for 300 -years, and besides being a good artickle ov physick, is probably the -greatest natral curiousness this side ov the temple of Solomon, his 500 -wives and 300 good-looking collaterals inkluded. - -Take the kathartics out ov Saratogy, and thare wouldn't be ennything -left ov deep interest, but a pale yeller, sandy sile, that haint got -moral strength enuff in it tew hold a fense-post up straight, unless -the hole waz well manured first. - -But, with some 10 or 15 ov theze mineral springs that will kure -ennything, from a broken heart tew the spring halt--water the most -sparkling--water that biles and bubbles, without money, and without -even stamps, and has biled ever since Cain waz a babe--I say, with such -a legacy, Saratogy iz today the surest place on the breast ov the earth -to git a good loose drink. - -My stay here will necessarily be small; i kant git no track ov mi -Newfoundland pup, with one white foot and a star in his forehead; and -bizzness before drinking being one ov mi best holts, i shall leave here -before long for Montreal or Saint Lewis, in search ov the dogg. - -The annual races passed oph with the usual amount ov burglarys, and -pocket-book thieveries, but I was told yesterday, by one ov the first -citizens, that yu kan leave a roll ov bank bills (since the races) -lying on the sidewalk, and noboddy would pick it up for the fust two -days. - -I haven't tried this myself, nor don't intend to, for fear thare might -be just one slippery cuss left in the place, and one man could raize up -a rowl ov bills for me, just as eazy az 40 could. - -I havn't got munny, nor grit enuff, to indulge in sich moral -experiments. - -The ground, whare the old United States Hotel stood, remains kivered -with the debris ov that melankolly and hot fire, which reduced tew -ashes and old bricks, the most popular and fashionable dry goods -emporium in the universe ov America. - -I have it from _Jenkins_, (who is here now gitting himself pliable,) -that az soon az one or two objectionable partners can be smoked out ov -the ring, then the balance ov them will build on the grounds a hotel -that will make--Rome howl. - -The Union and the Clarendon are the two champions now, and both ov them -hav a full stummuk ov clean looking, and very decent ackting -passengers. - -Thare iz sum very elaborate rigs here; one that I saw yesterday waz -quite "_uneak_." (I don't know whether this word iz just the thing tew -use in this spot, but it sounds big, and strange, and that iz awl that -I care for.) - -The rig consisted ov a yello buggy, with a black bugger driving, -clothed in drab broadcloth, with bras buttons, and cockade on a plug -hat with a velvet belly band around it, and salmon colored gloves, and -a 10 foot whip-stork, with a spotted dogg under the front axletree, and -3 hosses in injun file, two blacks, and the one on the lead the color -ov cream. - -_Jenkins_ told me, that they were the only shoddy team here, and -belonged tew a young fellow from Melankton 4 corners, in the state ov -Conneckticut, whose father has raked in 2 millions, by making beeswax -out ov a very little mutton tallow, and a good deal ov injun meal. - -But it won't do to believe awl that _Jenkins_ sez; he has lied so -consekutive for the last 15 years, that hiz front teeth hav awl decayed -out. - -One ov the perennial feeters ov Sarotogy, iz a drove ov tame injuns, -with their squaws, and young porpoises, who cum here each drinking -season, from the outlines ov Kanada, laiden with braided baskets, bags -ov beads, and harmless bows and arrows. - -Theze people might hav bin good injuns onst, but each successive -porpoise grows paler, and meaner, and if it want for their nastyness, -there aint 3 boarding-school misses in the whole land, with poetry -enuff in their bild tew call them "the noble red men ov the forest." - -The fact ov it iz, thare iz more truth than poetry in injuns, and the -_truth_ iz, that keyenne whiskey, and other kinds ov civilization, has -outflanked them. - -It requires a grate deal ov good sense tew stand whiskey and -civilization. - -A wild injun iz a most magnificent cuss without doubt, but a tame -injun, one with more milk than molasses in hiz face, iz almost az near -good for nothing, az a counterfit bill, on the bank ov Newfoundland. - -Injuns, tew be good and profitable, must live at least 2 thousand miles -from ennyboddy else, and always stay at home, and never see a -missionary. - -P.S.--I hav just this minnit received a dispatch that thare iz one more -nufoundland pupp in Freehold, New Jersey, this morning than thare waz -yesterday at this time, with a fu white hairs on the end ov his tail. - -I shall start immegiately, and if i kan only rescue mi pup before he -gits contaminated, I shall be az proud az a rooster. In haste, good -bye. - -JOSH BILLINGS. - - - - -XIX. - -SUM VEGETABEL HISTORY. - - -The strawberry is one ov natur's sweet pets. - -She makes them worth fifty cents, the fust she makes, and never allows -them tew be sold at a mean price. - -The culler ov the strawberry iz like the setting sun under a thin -cloud, with a delicate dash of the rain bo in it; its fragrance iz like -the breath ov a baby, when it fust begins tew eat wintergreen -lossingers; its flavor is like the nektar which an old-fashioned -goddess used tew leave in the bottom ov her tumbler, when Jupiter stood -treat on Mount Ida. - -There iz menny breeds ov this delightful vegetable, but not a mean one -in the whole lot. - -I think i have stole them, laying around loose, without enny pedigree, -in sumboddy's tall grass, when I waz a lazy schoolboy, that eat dredful -easy, without enny white sugar on them, and even a bug occasionally -mixed with them in the hurry of the moment. Cherrys are good, but they -are too mutch like sucking a marble, with a handle tew it. Peaches are -good, if yu don't git enny ov the pin-feathers into yure lips. -Watermelons will suit ennyboddy who iz satisfied with half-sweetened -drink; but the man who can eat strawberrys, besprinkled with crushed -shuggar, and besmattered with sweet cream (at sumboddy else's expense), -and not lay hiz hand on hiz stummuk, and thank the author ov -strawberrys and stummuks, and the phellow who pays for the strawberrys, -iz a man with a worn-out conscience--a man whose mouth tastes like a -hole in the ground, that don't care what goes down it. - - * * * * * - -Kokernuts grow up in the air, in a hot climate way over the ocean, -about 80 feet from the ground--on the top ov a tree. - -They are generally picked bi the monkeys in that naborhood, who throw -them at the natives, in exchange for the stones that the natives heave -at the monkeys. - -They grow az a negro's head duz, with a good deal ov skull tew them. - -A kokernut, after it haz bin scalpt, resembles an old ten pin ball, -only a little more round one way than tuther. - -On the end ov the nut toward you iz 2 eyes, fast asleep. The kokernut -iz opened bi breaking the skull and this brings them tew their milk. - -The milk in the kokernut haz never bin explained yet, and the reazon -iz, becauze noboddy has ever asked me tew do it. - -Whenever the philosophers "giv it up," i shall reply tew the konundrum. - -Az an artikle ov diet, the koker iz about on a level with the french -raw turnip, and iz az hard tew digest az one ov Secretary Seward's -letters ov State. - -Biled koker might possibly be good, if it warnt a grate deal better -when it waz raw; and raw kokernuts iz only good for children and young -greyhounds tew eat, whose stummuks are like a nutmeg grater. - -The only real good thing about this forrin nut iz its skull; they kan -be cut into 2, and made into drinking kups, and i must konfess, they do -look kind, when laid on a clean flatt stun in the side ov a meadow -spring; but i kant drink out ov them myself, without thinking that if -they hadn't been cut in 2, what a kapital thing they would be tew bild -a young darkey to. - -But this iz only a phoolish noshun ov mine, and probably it couldn't be -did enny how. - - * * * * * - -It iz now about 8 or eleven years, since folks begun tew hanker after -the Tomater. About that time, sum doktor ov pills, dissekted one ov -theze vagrant vegetabels, and diskovered sum doktor stuff in them. - -Az soon az folks found out they waz fisick, they begun tew be verry -sweet on the tomater. - -At that time they waz in the habit ov growing in sly places, whare they -want afraid, over behind stone walls, amung broken jugs, ded kats, and -old injun-rubber boots, for peopel wouldn't let them grow in gardins -enny more than they would a kanaday thissell. - -They were vagabond weeds, and even a woods hogg wouldn't eat one ov the -berrys that grew on them, enny quicker than he would a bawl ov red -stocking yarn. - -But it waz decided that there waz sum pills in them, and they were putt -tu nuss, in pots, and vases, and lived on the phatt ov the land, in -hott houses, along side ov tiger lilys, and rozes ov Sharon. - -It took most folks about 18 months ov perseverance and sea sickness, -tew git the tomater to go quietly down, and now, from a vile weed, more -smelly than a deseased klam, the tomatow haz actually got to be more -honorabel than a bukwheat slapjack, or even a punkin pie. - -This shows what love and affekshun will do. - -I haven't enny doubt that if Professor Ratsbane would say -profeshionally, that wasps nests waz good to make a mustash grow black, -half the men in the kuntry would git a wasp and go into the nest -bizzness. - -I don't beleave a tomater will keep a man enny more helthy than red -clover will, but i am just like evry body else, i wanted tew git sum -better than i waz, and i went to skool to the tomato, and have got -learnt how tew eat them, if they are filled with salt and pepper, and -soaked well in good sider vinegar. - -I hav seen folks pick them oph from the vines in the gardin, and eat -them right down alive; i would az soon undertake tew eat a handful ov -putty. - -But tomatoze hav worked themselfs up to a necessary, and i am the last -man to injure their reputashun, for i beleave an innocent humbugg iz -just az mutch right tew win, (if they kan) az any other man. - -There iz one thing I do hope, and that iz that nobody will undertake -tew make kastor ile one ov the luxurys until after i am dead, for -kastor ile and bed buggs iz 2 things that i solemly sware i won't hav, -if they git to be ever so fashinable. - - - - -XX. - -JOSH REPLIZE TEW CORRESPONDENTS. - - -_Mastiff._--I kant tell yu the best kind ov a dogg tew buy; but for a -man of limited means, i think the wodden dogg iz the most cheapest. -They are the less liabel tew git out ov repare, and ain't awl the time -following folks oph. They kant wag their tales, but that kan be -remydied by having them made without enny. They are not apt tew be -noizy in the night; but if yu want one tew frighten away the robbers, -awl yu hav got tew dew iz tew hav one made with the bark on. - -_Walton._--Yu are right about it; the bull-head aint a game fish, -although they die hard. I kant giv yu enny posatiff rule to be a game -fisher. Pashunce iz a good thing tew hav. I would advise yu to -practiss, for the fust year, in a tan vat, with a leather line, and a -skillet handle for a fish hook; yu may not ketch mutch fish, but yu -will learn how tew twitch butifully. - -_Davenport._--I beleave in the doktrin ov spiritualism--that iz, i -beleave it iz a smart doktrin. A man haz tew hav a United States -juggler's license now before he kan beleave in the doktrin. I beleave -in raps on the table, but when i hear them cum pretty loud and fast i -make up mi mind that sumboddy iz gitting badly eukered. I don't -rekolekt ov but one communikashun between spirits that iz menshuned in -the Bible, and that took place between Lazarus and another gentleman. -It iz pleasant to know that one ov these spirits waz a pure one, and -that he had awl the advantage (ov the other gentleman) in the argument, -and in the posishun. - -_Eazell._--I kant tell yu who painted the Greek Slave; she aint on -exhibishun. They are gitting the fine arts almost perfeck now-a-days. -One feller in Pittsburg haz painted a sorrell hors so perfekly that the -hair awl cum oph from the hors. And another fellar haz just _finished_ -a Durham cow that he had _salted down_ last fall for family use. And -another artiss haz got a Nufoundland pupp in hiz studio reddy--that he -haz bin offered 10 dollars for bi the owner, and no questions asked. - -_Parent._--I kant tell yu the best way tew bring up a boy; but, if i -had one that didn't lie well enuff tew suit me, i think now i would set -him tew tending a dri goods store. Probably, one ov the best ways to -bring up a boy in the way he should go, iz tew travel that woy -ourselfs, once in a while. Still thare aint no sure thing; I have seen -them brought up az kerful az a lappdog, and then go tew the devil jist -az soon az they could strike the right track. And then agin, i hav saw -them cum out ov sumboddy's gutter and wash up like a dimond. Raising -boys iz a good deal like raising colts; if yu don't git more than one -out ov ten that iz a fast one, yu are dewing fust rate. A grate menny -men hanker for a boy tew transmit their reputashun to! i konsider this -about az risky az the hen's egg bizzness; thare iz always sum chances -agin it--one iz, that the eggs may be spilte before they start for -market, and another iz, they may git busted in carrying. - - - - -XXI. - -LIST OF HOUSEN TEW LET. - -FURNISHED AND UNFURNISHED. - -BI * * * * *. - -_Real Estate Agent and Property Broker._ - - -_Number One_--Gothick cottage, (with chimbleys, and windo blinds -attached,) and water, (in the suller,) lokated for the present on the -south-east angle ov Soap and Myrtle streets; house kontains a bay -windo; would suit a lawyer or a blacksmith. Rent, for the summer -months, (including the good will ov the naberhood,) $4,500. No children -and doggs aloud on the premises. Cards, tew view the hous, kan be -obtained ov the agent (admitting a gentleman and 2 ladys) for the -trifling sum ov 5 dollars. N.B.--This hous waz taken yesterday, and -customers are forbid tew bother the agent bi inquiring about it. - -_Number Two_--Will be tew rent in a fu daze; the hous iz being put in -perfeck order bi being whitewashed, and the floor sprinkled with sum -sand. This hous is a cross ov the Ionian & Dorick style, waz built when -lumber waz skarse, and iz almitey hard finished throughout, rat-holes -awl plugged up, and a bottle ov bed bugg pizen, neatly labeled, and -hung up in each room. To a tenant who kan bring testimony, and a good -pedigree, this hous would be leased for a term ov 30 or 40 years, for -about 2,500 hundred dollars a year, the tenant tew pay the taxes, and -remove the mortgages now on the premises, and put in the gass, and git -the hous insured for 6,000 dollars, and assign the polisy tew the agent -az collatteral security for the faithful performanse ov the kontrakt. -N.B.--If thare iz enny things else that i hav forgot tew menshun about -the terms, the tenant kan hav them inserted, when the papers are drawed -up, without extra charge. - -_Number Three_--Iz kompletely furnished with gass fixtures and meether, -and ile cloth in the front hall, and pegs in the closets, and back -verandy. This delightful property iz now occupied bi a phisician, -("whose sands ov life hav about run out,") and sum ov the rent would be -took in boarding the phisician ("whose sand iz about run thru,") and -hiz wife, and wife's oldest sister, and her unkle, and the 9 children, -who are awl lite eaters, havin bin kept for the laste 6 months on sperm -kandle soup. Tew a tenant who could loan the phisician $1,500 or two -thousand dollars, and take a first mortgage on the furniture in the -hous, a liberal rent would be named, payable quarterly in advanse. -P.S.--fust cum, fust git. - -_Number Four_--Iz the property ov a two-millionaire, who iz about going -tew Urope with hiz entire family, tew spend sum munny. This hous haz -one ov Chickering's 10 oktave, iron-frame, overstrung bass, rosewood, -round kornered, pearl keyed, pianners, built expressly for the owner bi -Mr. Chickering himself, after the design ov the pantheon in Rome, -(Italy,) and also haz a hole cut thru the roof, from which the North -star kan be distinktly seen with the naked eye. Rent iz no objeck--tew -a small family ov one or two persons, this hous could be had, if -applied for within 2 daze, at the nominal prise ov 20,000 dollars a -month, reckoning 26 working days tew the month. - -_Also_--A superb hoss ov a black culler, warranted 16 hands hi, ov -grate enduranse, tew stand without tieing, and kan trot in 2:53; would -make a good card for a hearse hoss. - - - - -XXII. - -LAUGHING. - - -It never haz been proved, that enny ov the animal kreation hav -attempted tew laff, (we are quite certain that none hav succeded;) thus -this deliteful episode and pleasant power appears tew be entirely -within the province ov humans. It iz the language ov infancy--the -eloquense ov childhood,--and the power tew laff is the power to be -happy. It is becoming tew awl ages and conditions; and (with the very -few exceptions, sakred tew sorrow) an honest, hearty laff iz always -agreeable and in order. It iz an index ov karakter, and betrays sooner -than words.--Laffing keeps oph sickness, and haz conquered az menny -diseases az ever pills have, and at mutch less expense.--It makes -flesh, and keeps it in its place.--It drives away weariness and brings -a dream ov sweetness tew the sleeper.--It never iz covetous.--It -ackompanys charity, and iz the handmaid ov honesty.--It disarms -revenge, humbles pride, and iz the talisman ov kontentment.--Sum have -kalled it a weakness--a substitute for thought, but really it -strengthens wit, and adorns wisdum, invigorates the mind, gives -language ease, and expreshun elegance.--It holds the mirror up tew -beauty; it strengthens modesty, and makes virtue heavenly. It iz the -light ov life; without it we should be but animated ghosts. It -challenges fear, hides sorrow, weakens despair, and carries haff ov -poverty's bundles.--It costs nothing, comes at the call, and leaves a -brite spot behind.--It iz the only index ov gladness, and the only buty -that time kannot effase.--It never grows old; it reaches from the -cradle clear tew the grave. Without it, love would be no pashun, and -fruition would show no joy.--It iz the fust and the last sunshine that -visits the heart; it was the warm welkum ov Eden's lovers, and was the -only capital that sin left them tew begin bizzness with outside the -Garden ov Pardise. - - - - -XXIII. - -LYING. - - -As easy az it iz to lie, I am astonished that thare are so few engaged -in the bizzness, and that so few fust-rate lies are ever told. - -I am not prepared to say how mutch real sin thare iz in what iz kalled -a light-colored lie, that haz no maliss or evil result in it, but I -have alwus notised that the heft ov mankind love to excel in awl they -undertake, and I can't tell how long a man would be willing to tell -white lies for fun when he might be turning an honest penny for himself -by telling black ones. - -Men don't generally bekum drunkards by confinning themselfs stricktly -tew sweet sider. - -Lieing is the lowest grade of sin,--it is more cowardly than stealing, -bekause thare is less risk in it--it is more demoralising than -burglary, bekause there is no cure for it,--it is more dangerous than -swareing, bekause swareing don't hurt enny boddy else,--it waz the fust -sin committed, bekause it was the easiest and most natral, and it will -probably be the last one committed, bekause no man ever gits so poor -and degraded but what he kan tell quite a respectabel lie. - -Lieing is said tew be constitushionall in sum folks,--so is the itch -constitushionall, because folks hang around whare it is, and won't -doktor for it after they git caught by it. - -Finally--I might as well own it--I hav told a few very fair lies -myself, but i kant reckollect ov one that I feel proud ov now. - - - - -XXIV. - -PERKUSSION CAPS. - - -I hold that a man has jist as mutch rite tew spel a word as it is -pronounsed, as he has tew pronounse it the way it aint spelt. - -Sticking up our nose don't prove enny thing, for the most sensitiff -person in the world, when he is away from his kittles, is a bone biler. - -But fu sights, in this life, are more sublime and pathetick, than tew -see a poor, but virtuous yung man, full ov christian fortitude, -struggling with a mustatch. - -Common sense is most ginnerally dispised bi those who haint got it. - -If I was asked which was the best way, in these days ov temptashun, tew -bring up a boy, i should say--bring him up the back way. - -It don't require enny edukashun tew tell the truth, but tew lie well -dus. - -We are told "that an honest man is the noblest _work_ ov God"--but the -demand for the _work_ has been so limited, that i hav thought a large -share ov the fust edishun must still be in the author's hands. - -Men don't seem never tew git tired ov talking about themselfs, but i -hav heard them when i thought they showed signs ov weekness. - -If yu would make yurself agreeable, wherever yu go, listen tew the -grivences ov others, but never relate yure own. - -Sum folks are always trieing tew see thru a millstone edgeways, when, -if they would only turn it over on the flat side, they could look rite -thru the hole. - -Buty is like a ranebow--full ov promis, but short lived. - -It aint best tu swop with yure relashuns, unless yu kan afford tew giv -them the butt end ov the trade. - -Amung the blu laws ov Konnekticut, (which are now obsolute,) are -this--"No man shall chaw turbakker on Sunday, unless he swallers the -spit." - -Also, "No yung woman shal hav a rite tew git marrid, who kant make a -donut that will keep at least one year, without loseing its twist." - -I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the -men. - -I beleave in suggar coated pills.--I also beleave that virtue and -wisdum kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good natured proverb, -better and deeper than tew be mortised into it with a wormwood mallet -and chissell. - -The pure don't gro old enny more than a mountain spring dus. - -I don't think thare is enny rule for long life. I hav known men tew die -before they was 40, from the effek ov a vegatabel diet, and i hav known -others tew liv 75 years on salt pork and sider brandy, and then quit -the pork on akount ov their helths, and live 15 years longer on the -sider brandy alone. - -"Give me liberty, or giv me deth"--but ov the 2 I prefer the liberty. - -As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must play what is -dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch in winning, as in -playing a poor hand well. - -The time tew pray is not when we are in a tight spot, but jist as soon -as we git out ov it. - -"The Lord tempers the wind to the shorn lamb," but it is man's -bissiness tew see that he don't shear the lamb tew cluss. - - - - -XXV. - -ONE WEEK FROM MY DIAREE. - - -MONDAY.--Had suckers for breakfast. Suckers and sussagis are the 2 -luxuries ov life; the other luxury iz eazy boots. Answered several -letters ov grate moment. - -TUESDAY.--Awoke with a splendid headache, cauzed by drinking tew much -spring water the evening previously, and going tew bed at 9 o'clock -precisely. Breakfasted on the butt end ov a sassige; felt like a dogg. -Sett down in my little chamber for reflekshun, and reflekted as -follers: - -Rekolekted ov hearing a man, on the levee, in Saint Lewis, once say -"that the steambote Perary Flower drew less water than any bote an the -Missouri." I asked him, "how little she could draw?" After changing -sides with hiz chaw ov tobacco, he calmly said, "About 2 barrels." I -reflekted what a phool this man made ov himself, and ov me too. - -WEDNESDAY.--Rekolekted ov asking a man in Minnysota, if beans waz a -sure krop in hiz parts. He sed "they waz az certain az a revolver." -Reflekted upon the danger ov carrying concealed weapons. - -Rekolekted again ov being in Nu Hampshire, during a severe sno storm, -and innocently enuff remarked, "that i never see ennything like it," -and waz told by one ov the bar-room boarders, "that it want nothing, -that he had seen it fall over a thousand feet." "What," sed i, "a -thousand feet on the level?" "No," said he, "but a thousand feet from -on high." I reflekted how eazy it waz for sum folks tew lie, and tell -the truth at the same time. - -THURSDAY.--Rekolekted once more ov being on the Red River, in Arkansaw, -and seeing a large piece ov frame-work, by the side ov the road; -enquired ov a private citizen, who was leading a blind mule by one ov -hiz ears, "what the frame-work mought be?" He sed, "it was a blind -fiddle, and it took three yoke ov oxen tew draw the bow, and they had -tew haw and gee tew change the tune." Reflekted on that passidge in the -poeck, which sez "man is fearfully and wonderfully made;" and thought -the remark might apply tew fiddles in Arkansaw, without spileing the -remark. - -FRIDAY.--Visited mi washwoman, and blowed her up, for sewing ruffles -and tucks onto the bottom ov mi drawers. - -[Illustration: Josh Billings, upon remonstrating with his washerwoman -for sewing tucks onto the bottom of his drawers, is told that the -clothes have only been mixed.--_See page 93._] - -She was thunderstruck at fust, but explained the mystery by saying, -"she had sent me a pair, by mistake, that belonged to * * * *;" I -blushed like a biled lobster, and told her she couldn't be too keerful -about such things; i might hav bin ruined for life. - -SATURDAY.--Wrote this diaree for the week, from memory, and am -satisfied i hav got a good memory. Reflekted upon the vanity ov human -wishes, reflekted how often i had wished tew be ritch, and how seldum -mi wishes had bin gratified. Resolved, in the futur, not tew wish for -ennything until i had it 3 weeks, and see how i liked it. - -JOSH BILLINGS--Dispensed with a new born critick who had tried hard tew -be severe on my Book ov Sayings, thusly:--Dear Sir, I have red yure -kriticism on mi book, and muss say, it don't cum haf way up tew mi -expectations. Yu seem tew hav in a big degree one essenshall for a bull -critick, that is a grate willingness tew _damn_, but yu lack entirely -another ingredient which is awl important: yu don't know how tew bild a -_dam_. Upon the whole, i am forced tew admit, that you are a poor -_damn_ crittick. - -Yure Lover, - -JOSH BILLINGS. - - - - -XXVI. - -AMERIKAN ARISTOKRASY. - -VIEWED BY JOSH BILLINGS. - - -Political ekonomists hav defined an aristokrasy as a power or -government in which a privileged few hold dominyun. - -I am not aware that sich a government exists, in a pure form, at the -present day among the nashuns ov the earth. - -But we kant be mistaken in the fackt that even in our own Republick -thare are menny kandidates who would luv to participate in the peculiar -privileges ov an aristokrasy. - -We hav divided Amerikan Aristokrasy (jist for fun) into 3 piles--the -moneyed, the mackrel, and the pedigree aristokrats. - -Not having much time tew spare, we pitch into them a good deal as -follers: - -The moneyed aristokrats are like certain fine coated animals, worth -just what their hides will bring. - -The mackrels are remarkable for their numbers and the small kapital -they dew bizziness on; and while arrayed in their false dignity, and -straining hard tew cheat us in awl things, are like a drunken man -trieing tew walk a krack. - -The pedigrees hav mutch innosense and little courage. Content with the -glory ov their ancestors, they are satisfied in holding under our noses -a grandfather's fossils, and fondly beleaf that the bones make them -smell ov greatness. - -Finally, trieing tew be a fust klass aristokrat in America, just yet, -appears tew us tew be almost as flattring an enterprise as climbing a -greased pole. Thare is great doubt about our being able tew reach the -top, and if we dew succeed (and don't pull the pole up after us) we -will soon hav the mortifikashun ov seeing some other sheumaker climbing -up the same pole. - -MORAL--Don't be an aristokrat if you kan help it. - - - - -XXVII. - -LOVE. - - -The only natural feeling the young heart possesses is love. It is the -first good thing the heart dus, and in after life it is often the only -good thing it dus. - -Thare is no posatif virtue in love, and yet it may be the result ov the -holyest ov virtues. - -But thare is, in this life, a vast deal ov Pontoon love, that has no -more virtue in it than wooden nutmegs hav. - -Thare is, "Love undying," that generally lives about as long as -uncorked ginger pop dus. - -Thare is "Love Untold," which is alwus told tew ennyboddy who will -listen to it, and is as full ov pathos as a pork and beans nightmare. - -And thare is "Love at sight," to which I will add Love for 90 days. - -These are sum ov the different kinds ov love that are denominated -pashun, and form much ov the trading capital that lovers do bissness -on. - -There is not much sin in these different styles ov love; they don't -seem tew git up tew the dignity ov sin; thare is deception in them -without doubt; but the deception is like Costar's celebrated Rat -Exterminator, it won't hurt ennyboddy else but the rats. - -I am not prepared to say that I would like to see these things dun away -with, for sumthing wuss might spring up in the place ov them; they seem -tew be necessary in carrying on a trade in which judgment has to yield -to fancy, and fancy is too often forced to yield to nonsense. - -If we could (enny ov us) have our old courtship written out and given -to us for perusal, we should probably look upon it as we would upon a -Chinese comick almanick, unable tew understand the pikturs and -satisfied that the astronomical calculations were never designed for -our latitude. - - - - -XXVIII. - -THE GAME OF YEWKER. - - -This ill-bred game ov kards is about 27 years old. - -It was fust diskovered by the deck hands on a lake Erie steam Boat, and -handed down by them tew posterity in awl its juvenile beauty. - -It is generally played by 4 persons and owes mutch ov its absorbingness -tew the fackt that yu kan talk, and drink, and chaw, and cheat while -the game is advancing. - -I have seen it played on the Hudson River Railroad, in the smoking -cars, with more immaculate skill than ennywhare else. - -If yu play thare, yu will often hold a hand that will astonish you, -quite often 4 queens and a 10 spot, which will inflame you to bate 7 or -8 dollars that it is a good hand tew play poker with; but you will be -more astonished when you see the other feller's hand, which invariably -consists ov 4 kings and a one spot. - -Yewker is a mollatto game, and don't compare tew old sledge in majesty, -enny more than the game ov pin does to a square church raffle. - -I never play yewker. - -I never would learn how, out ov principle. - -I was originally created cluss to the Connektikut line, in Nu England, -whare the game ov 7 up, or old sledge, was born, and exists now in awl -its pristine virginity. - -I play old sledge, tew this day, in its natiff fierceness. - -But I won't play enny game, if I know my charakter, whare a jack will -take an ace, and a ten spot won't count game. - -I won't play no such kind ov a game, out ov respekt to old Connekticut, -mi natiff place. - - - - -XXIX. - -NOW AND THEN. - - -In anshunt days, men, after konsidering an enterprise, proceeded with -energee tew execute it; _now_ they shut up one eye, and "pitch in." - -In old times, if their judgment sanctioned, they considered the -chances; _now_, they "let her rip." - -_Then_, they drank moderately ov water and brandy; _now_, they smile -aquafortiss, and suk sweet scented turpentine, thru a quill. - -_Then_, if circumstancis made it imperativ, they closed their -bissiness, by affekting an honarabil compromise; _now_, they "cave in," -"squeal," or "absquat." - -_Then_, kontrary opinyuns were okassionally supported with reasonabel -wagers; _now_, every man "bets his pile," or "bottom Dollar." - -_Then_, they went a mile in forti-two, with an easy rein; _now_, in 2 -forti, under a strong pull. - -_Then_, most familys held from 6 to 10 healthy children, within its -hallowed sirkle a radiant mother, and a stalwart sire; _now_, too oftin -a puny father, with unsertin knees, a romantik madame, with a pale lily -at her breast, a wet nuss, 2 Bridgits and a kennel ov sore eyed pups. - -_Then_, they went tew meeting, to hear a docktrin sermon, and be -humbell before God; _now_, they flaunt into holy palaces, and pay out -fortunes every year, to lounge on velvet, and hear the Bible amateured, -by a daintee gentleman, who handles their sins as he would a sleeping -infant. - -_Then_, our halls ov legislatur were filled with honest patriots; -_now_, with clever bandits, whose courtesys dwell upon the tips ov -buoyknives, and whose eloquence and arguments are couchant in the -chambers ov deadly revolvers. - -_Then_, we had youths apprenticed to a honest calling, whose indenters -were diplomas; _now_, pale young gentlemen, emulous ov fisick, or the -law, who are pendant to the perlews ov the courts and colleges, -watching for the falling ov a crumb. - -_Then_, we had maidens until they had bin looked upon bi at least 20 -summers, and were modest enuff tew pick out a husband from a skore ov -earenst and honest men, whoze very eyes had the promis ov bread in -them; _now_, 15 summers make a woman, (or what we are obliged tew take -for one,) and one so ripe too, that he who fust shakes the bush, gits -the eager fruit. - -_Then_, our literatur and learning waz drawn from sound philosophee, or -quaint proverbs ov sense, and the fu books that prevailed was good; -_now_, evryboddy writes a book, and evry phool reads it; learning is -sterotiped, and wisdom iz only 12 shillings a vollume. - -_Then_, industry kreated wants, virtew tempered them, and frugality -supplied them; _now_, luxury haz taken the plase ov industry, pride the -plase ov virtew, and extravaganse the plase ov frugality. - -_Then_, men ware solisituss about their karakters; _now_, about their -pedigrees. - -_Then_, they found health at hum; _now_, they hunt for it bi travell. - -Finally--if our Grand Pops should cum among us, with the plans and -precepts ov a hundred years ago, we, in our impudence and wickedness, -would be caught laffing at them, while they, in virtuous sorrow, would -be in tears over us, and thus would be enakted the scenes which alwus -ensews when fools and sages meet. - - - - -XXX. - -OATS. - - -Munny has dun one thing fur the world that no thing else could hav did -so well--it has developed the phools. - -The best kind ov advice fur me tew foller is this: "Pay tew the order -ov Josh Billings 50 dollars and charge mi akount--John Burch." I had -rather hav 10 Dollars ov this kind ov advice than six hundred in -Christian consolashun; there is more sassage in it. - -Although mankind worship wealth, I will give them credit fur one -thing--they seldom mistake it fur brains. - -Most aul the grate things hav bin did by taking the chances. Prudence -has but one eye, while fortune has a thousand. - -If a man has 2 stummuks and 2 outsides, thare might be sum excuse fur -adding 10 thousand dollars more each year tew his pile. - -I don't read enny boddy else's poetry but Homer's, upon the same -principle that i alwus drink, when it is just as handy, out ov a -spring, instead ov the outlet. - -Treason is one ov them kind ov stains that wash well. - -If a man has got tew be poor aul his life, I aint sure but it would be -sum munny in his pocket tew be ignorant. - -Fust class virtu is alwus anxus tew avoid temptashun. - -Yu kant transplant a Yaukee suckcessfully without taking up a good deal -ov the sile with the roots. - -Originality in writing is as diffikult as gitting a fishpole by the -side ov a trout brook--aul the good poles hav bin cut long ago. - -It is easy enuff tew git religion, but tew hold it is what bothers a -fellow. A good grip is better than rubis--yea! than mutch fine cotten -cloth. - -I enjoy a good laff--one that rushes out ov a man's soul like the -breaking up ov a Sunday school; but a laff that cums tew the surface, -as the hickucks cum, or backs out ov a man, like the struggles ov a -chicken choked with a chunk ov haff wet dough, i utterly lament. - -Thare aint no poetry in poverty, but enny number ov feet ov blank -verse. - -When a fellow knows he is being stared at, it makes him act as unnatral -as though he wos setting fur his picktur. - -I am called a "broad humorist," and i am glad ov it: thare is plenty ov -narrow humorists in the country without me. - -Enny man who will kompell a woman tew make a shirt fur 20 cents, ought -tew be filled full ov fish-hooks and be used for bait tew ketch other -sharks with. - -Silence is one ov the negativ virtews. - - - - -XXXI. - -WATERFALLS. - - -I rather like waterfalls. - -I kant tell _why_, enny more than I kan tell why I love kastor ile--but -kastor ile is good for a lazyness in the system. - -I don't like laziness ov no sort--not even in muskeeters. - -I want my muskeeters lively. - -But aul this iz foreign tew mi purposs. - -I like waterfalls--they are so eazy and natural. - -They attack all the sex. - -Some they attack with grate fury, while others they approach more like -a siege, working up slowly. - -I saw one yesterday. - -It want no bigger than a small French turnup. - -It had attaked a small woman ov only 9 summers duration. - -She waz full ov recreation, and when she bounded along the sidewalk the -waterfall highsted up and down in an ossillating manner, resembling -mutch the sportive terminus ov a bob-tailed lamb, in a grate hurry. - -The effeck was purely eclectick. - -I also saw another one pretty soon, which belonged tew a mature matron. - -She might hav saw 75 summers; her hair waz white az flour (Perkins "A," -worth 15 dollars a barrell, delivered); but the waterfall was black. - -I asked a bystander how he could account for that. - -He said "it waz younger." - -I also saw another one pretty soon, which waz the property ov a gusher. - -She was about 19 years old, and waz az ripe az a 2 year peach. - -She swept the streets like a thing of life. - -Men stopped to gaze az she pazsed, and put in a new chew ov tobacco. - -Little boys pocketed their marbles in silence. - -Her waterfall waz about the size ov a corn-basket turned inside out. - -It waz inklozed in a common skap net, and kivered with blazing dimonds -ov glass. - -It shone in the frisky sun like the tin dome on the Court House, whare -the supervizors meet. - -But i rather like waterfalls. - -It haz bin sed that they would run out, but this i think iz a error, -for they don't show no leak yet. - -In the language of the expiring Canadian, on our northern frontier, I -say--"_Vive la Bag-a-tale_." - - - - -XXXII. - -POLITENESS. - - -I hav looked into the philosophy ov politeness, with grate fierceness, -and see the thing in the followin light: - -Ginowine politeness is a nice mixture ov vanity and good natur, -invigerated bi virtue, and chastened bi policy. - -It will take a man along slikly, whose money and impudence, and even -religion, singly, would git stuck. - -Nobody can stand, without quailing, before a broadside ov ginowine -politeness; it will make even a Pawnee Injun grow limber. - -It mite not save a man from gitting kicked bi a mule, but it would save -him from gitting near enuff tew git kicked. - -Thare is one other compound in ginowine perliteness, which gives it -terrifick force, and that is deference. - -Deference will win oftener than double sixes. - -If you want tew beat a man out ov his opinyun, let him hav his own way -till you cum tew the forks in the road, then you kan take him jist -which road you please. - -I am not prepared tew call deference always a virtue, bekause it may -exist, and only be an art, or stratagem. - -If it is natural, it quite often degenerates into servility, and if -artifishall, it merges into fraud, or cunning. Love without deference, -is nothing more than a raid. - -The deference that exists between equals, (altho pleasant tew look -upon,) is not alwus flatterin tew think about; lions are necessarily -polite tew each other, but when lions bekum polite tew the lams, then -will deference reveal its true sublimity. - -Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch ripe -politeness; a goose has a grate deal ov this last kind ov politeness; i -have seen them lower their heds while going into a barn door, that was -18 foot high. - -JOSH BILLINGS. - - - - -XXXIII. - -DREAMS. - - -If yu are handsum, cultivate yure boots; if yu are hoamly, hoe yure -branes. - - * * * * * - -"Shut Nu Ingland out in the cold!"--i should as soon think ov shutting -the cold out ov Nu England. - - * * * * * - -I luv tu meet an old feller ov 70 on the rode, hanging on tu a pare ov -trotters. Old fellers! don't give up yure pull, till yure obliged tew. - - * * * * * - -Thare ain't mutch virgin virtchew in this world; it is purty mutch aul -Magdalen. - - * * * * * - -The trew province ov economy is tu see how mutch munny we kan liv the -clussest on. - - * * * * * - -The sudden ritch quite often find themselfs in the same ficks that -mullatters are--just above what they started from, and just belo what -they started for. - - * * * * * - -He who draws his experience from the past iz alwus a man, and he who -draws his experience from the futur iz always a child. - - * * * * * - -If yu kant git good clothes and eddicashun too, git the clothes. - - * * * * * - -Say "How are ye" tew everyboddy. - - * * * * * - -If yu argy, alwus git beet. - - - - -XXXIV. - -JOSH CORRESPONDS. - - -_Jenkins_--Yure letter is full ov very foolish questions, but sum ov -them are worth answering. - -I kant tell whether dogs are born with a bob-tail on them, or whether -they ain't, but i am inclined tew think they am. - -I think they am, bekause I never see enny dogs' tails laying around -loose, without enny dog to them. - -But thare is one thing that bothers me too, and that is, i kant see why -it aint just as easy for a dog tew be born with a whole tail on him as -with a bob piece, when he is about it; still, if the dog has got tew be -skant sumwhare, perhaps it is good judgment tew take it oph on the -longest end. - -The more we sarch these things, Jenkins, the more curerisser they am. - -Natur don't dew ennything without sum good reason of her own. If she -raises a bob-tailed dog, she don't dew it for fun, but for the dog's -welfair; perhaps the dog, if he had bin borned with a whole tail, might -hav had it bit oph by a sheep or sumthing. - -So yu see, Jenkins, thare is figureing in aul these things. - -As i told yu in mi last letter, you must study natur and wisdum more, -and then yu won't hav tew ask so menny phoolish questions. - -A bob-tailed dog aint half so apt tew hav the tiphus fever as a -long-tailed dog is--this stands tew reason. - -A long-tailed dog kan wag more than a bob-tailed dog kan; but wagging -ov aul kinds, is about played out. - -If i should ever git able tew keep a dog, i should selekt a bob-tailed -one, for two reasons. One is, yu git more dog and less tail; and the -other is, thare aint no good place for the boys tew hitch a tin pail -onto them behind. - -I had rather have one bob-tailed dog, if he was ever so small, than tew -hav six long-tailed ones, if they was ever so big. I might not be so -ritch, but i could invest the other 5 dogs in bank stock, which would -be better than nothing. - -Thare is one thing, Jenkins, yu, nor no other man ever see, with the -naked eye, and that is a long-tailed dog that didn't hav fleas on him. - -If yu want to hang up a dog by the tail, I am reddy tew allow that the -long-tailed ones are the handyest--but the best way, ennyhow, to hang a -dog, is by the neck. - -In my next letter tew yu I will tell yu sum more news about dogs, but -in the mean time yu must prop yure eyes open, and keep up a devil ov a -thinking, and wisdum, by-and-by, will cum and sit on yu, and tell yu -awl about it, which ov the two is the most necessary, the bob, or the -long-tailed dog. - -That part ov yure letter, in which yu ask me about Herring, iz full ov -very young and half-biled questions, sum ov which are tew easy tew -spend enny time answering; but thare is sum ov them more tuff, which I -may as well split up for yu now as enny time. - -Herring is a small fish that lives in schools. They are used as -vittles, and resemble, very mutch, when they are cooked, a paper ov -stewed pins. They are cooked by being tanned in the smoke, and then are -et raw. They are generally served up with crackers and water. Crackers -and herring are as free from moisture as Daball's arithmetick, and will -keep without spileing, as long as the rule ov 3. - -They are handy tew eat; you kan eat them on a run, or not, just as yu -hav a mind to. - -Thare is one thing very awful about a herring; they hav got but one -bowell, and that is about the sise ov a chalk line when it is stretched -tight; this gives their stummuks a penurious look. - -Bones is what a herring has the most ov; they are as full ov bone as a -rat's tail. - -Yu ask me, "if the herrin and sturgin are the same fish?" This question -beats enny one i ever heard ov its sise; a child 2 hours old knows -better than that. - -Jenkins, yu will either hav tew be born agin, or else pull oph yure -shoes and run out tew grass one summer, before yu will kno mutch. - -_Nimrod_--I will write yu more at length after sheep-shearing, and will -merely suggest now that yu hav got rong noshuns about mankind in -general. Mankind in general is as oncertin as a wasp's nest, and wants -as mutch cluss watching as a mule's hind legg. - -I hav got so poor an opinion ov mankind in general (as far as i hav -got) that if i was in a destitute condishun i would rather trust tew mi -luck than tew my virtue for sunbeams. - -In relation tew that chunk ov skripture which yu ask me about, "Be yee -as wise as a sarpient, but harmless as a deer," don't mistake it for a -dose of catnip tea or herb drink; it warn't meant for a weak -prescription; it is a kind ov iron-klad missionary ship, and means -sharp work, on the sly. - -Yure idee about the friendship ov the world is 4 miles tew leeward ov -the channel; friendship is like the magnetic needle, thare is certin -causes that will make it vary sideways sumtimes, but when it settles -down tew stiddy work it alwus pints tew the pole--and the fellow that -owns the needle owns the pole. - -And as for human happiness, Nimrod, don't hunt for it, and yu may -acksidentally cum across sum ov it. Hunting happiness is a good deal -like hunting crows; when yu haint got yure gun with yu, yu kan alwas -git a grate deal nearer tew the crows. - - - - -XXXV. - -NUZE CUTS FROM OUR EXCHANGES. - - -The "_Shanghi Dispatch_" advertises for "a Devil, not over 14 years ov -good moral karacter.--References exchanged.--The young Devil will be -expekted tew board with his father, espeshily during the cold weather." - - * * * * * - -The "_Nevada Brick_" says, "thare will be a total eklips of the moon, -next month, visibel with the naked eye, only tew the subskribers ov the -"_Brick_." Send in your subskriptions for the year at onst." - - * * * * * - -The "_Mock Turtle Bulletin_" learns "that onions in his lokality won't -be more than half a crop, owing tew the number ov akers sewed, and the -small size of the seed," and advises hiz patrons "tew lay in their -assyfedity now, for the winter, while it iz low." - - * * * * * - -The "_Mohunk Ledger_" "highsts the name ov John tyler, solitary and -alone, for the next president, and gives hiz reasons."--(We doubt the -polisy of this nominashun, for he haz bin run into the ground onse -already.) - - * * * * * - -The "_Mutton Hollow Day Book & People's Register_" thus reports the -acksident, ov a moral karacter, on the Peuterville railroad. "The -konduktor ov the 10.15 train going east, when he got tew the end ov his -route, had 19 dollars he couldn't account for. This iz the fust -acksident ov the kind, ever diskovered on the road, and we kan assure -the traveling publik, will probably be the last." - - * * * * * - -The "_Reedsburgh Journal_" "learns from good authority, that the wife -ov a laborer, in that vicinity, gave birth tew six fine healthy -children," and then adds, "but not awl tew onst." - - * * * * * - -The "_Olive Branch_" a black republikan sheet, sez, "the grasshoppers, -having et up everything green thing in our naberhood, hav pitched onto -things blue, sech az whetstones, and demokrats, and are dieing oph bi -the thousands, in consequentz." - -The "_Oakville Banner_" don't beleave in the above akount, and adds, -"the fackt that the editor of the "_Olive Branch_" still lives, iz -proof enuff that the green things aint all destroyed yet." - -In the colums of the "_Weekly Bred_" of date Oct. 16, we see it -announced, that "the sorrel Hen ov deakon Abijeir Phillips lade an egg -which weighed, after it waz kold, 7 pounds with an affidavit tew it, -before Square Sturgiss, justis of peace." And then the editor goes on -to say, "the hen haz bin dewing better ever sinse."--(We should think -it would be hard work for her tew do mutch better.) - - * * * * * - -The "_Monthly Reckord_" learns, thru her country correspondent, "that -the maple sugar krop will be bigger next year, than for the last 90 -years, and that we shall have a dreadful hard winter, for the geese are -getting reddy; he never knu them so tuff tew bile, as they are this -fall." - - * * * * * - -The "_Perary Flower_" cums tew us with a long and Abel artikle on -punkin pize. The editor sez, "he waz early from konnekticut, and waz -born on punkin pi, and would be willing tew die on them almost, with -nutmeg in them. He remembers distinktly, how hiz grate grandmother used -tew mix them up, and how he used tew dip into the mix, on the sli." He -further winds up bi saying, "that it iz az natural for a yankee tew -stand on a punkin pi, az it iz for a setter dorg tew sett on a -woodcock, or a Frenchman tew point on a frog's hind legs." (I agree -with this feller fully; i waz onse from Nu England myself, and punkin -pize waz the fust real sass ov mi boyhood, and at this late time ov -day, seems to be the principle swivel in the chain, that binds me tew -the land whare basswood punkin seeds, and wooden nutmegs, are grown -only for exportation.) - - - - -XXXVI. - -DEAD BEATS. - - -No man ever jumps az fur az he kan, but once. - -If the wicked really stand on slippery places, the best thing the -rightyus kan do is to keep oph from the ice. - -Thare is no religion in simply travelling 4 miles an hour, nor enny -actual sin in a 2.40 gate. - -"Position is everything;" position of a comma, for instanse. "Thare is -a divinity that shapes our ends rough, hew them as we will." - -If I was called upon to say how I thought the Devil looked and ackted, -i should kompare him to the man who sells rum by the glass, and never -drinks enny himself. - -Wits are like hornets,--they hav but few intimates. - -Thiefs are remarkabel for their taking _ways_; - -Ragmen for their light _weighs_; - -Dairymaids for their sweet _wheys_; - -Boston for her _byways_. - -Courting,--home on a furlough. - -I maid up mi mind, more than 6 months ago, that this world wa'n't made -for phools; and when i see a man determined tew go to the devil, i -generly let him went. - -Crippels ar always cross; thay ar nature's libels. I konsider marrying -for money no better than stealing it. - -I hav seen sum awful bad throte disseases completely cured in 3 days by -simply jineing a temprance sosiety. - -A pun, tew be irresistable, don't ought to flavor ov malis -aforethought; but wants tew cum sudden and apt, like a rat out ov his -hole. - -How menny men thare is who argy, just as a bull dus, chained tew a -post; they beller and paw, but they kant git away from the post. - -Monuments are poor investments--the bad don't deserve them, and the -good don't need them. - -Thare is a grate menny stricktly honnest folks in this world; they -wouldn't take a cent from enny man that didn't belong tew them, nor giv -enny man a cent that didn't belong to them. - -I consider cerimony principally an effort ov vanity, or a kind ov -fashionable golden rule, which stimulates folks to do unto others as -they would hav others do unto them. - -Criticks are generally self-made men, and often poor jobs at that. - -Thare is one happiness in me that haint grone an hour older sinst it -was born, and that is--the fun of the thing. - -The heathens worship wood and stone; christians worship Nevada bricks. - -It ain't no credit tew a cow to giv a pail full ov milk, and then kick -it over--nor any other man. - - - - -XXXVII. - -SPRING--MAY, 1868. - - -Spring has cum. - -She has bin on the road about a month. - -I am glad she has cum, on account ov the grass. - -The grass waz beginning tew get oneasy about it. - -I hope the cows will eat sum grass forthwithly, so as tew lower down -the price ov butter. - -Butter has got tew be sassy. 55 cents a pound! Who in thunder ever seed -butter so high before? - -A feller has got tew go up garret now, tew spread his bread, and then -stand on tip-tose tew eat it. - -Evrything is hi now! - -Dandelion greens has riz; i bought a bushel yesterday, and pade 4 -dollars fur it. i wanted a mess, and mi wife sed it was jist like me, -bought 6 times tew mutch. i told her tew dry what she didn't want tew -bile: they would go good next winter on bukwheat slap-jacks. - -She stuk up her nose and slammed the door; but she loves me for aul -that, better than enny other woman dus. - -As i sed before, spring has cum. - -Mi hart begins tew kick up her heels, and i feel a limberness in my -soul; i think i must be thawin out. - -I hav a nateral gift for spring melankolly. - -I luv tew hear a robin sing; it is as sweet as sadness. - -I luv tew prokure a violet as soon as i can, each year; there is such a -mild impediment in their butiful fases; thay put me in mind ov an orfan -child, that has strayed oph into a dell and sot down tew cri. - -As i sed before, i am glad spring has cum, on akount ov the new -bunnets. - -And altho butter and dandelion greens are condem hi, my wife ses spring -bunnits is real cheep, (and she knos,) she can get a decent one fur 48 -dollars, without enny trimmins. - -I am real glad that one ov the necessaries ov life ain't onreasonable. - -Potatose and korn beef and ri flour and other luxuries is hi, and i -don't kno, fackt, but they ought tew be. If folks will hanker after -sich things, let them pay for them. - - * * * * * - -I am satisfied--Spring has cum, and bunnits are dog reasonable. - -JOSH BILLINGS. - - - - -XXXVIII. - -HARTES. - - -Sum hartes is trumps. - -The little child's harte has a host ov shaddery things in it, fairy -ghostesses, in the distanse, without mutch form,--in the fore-ground, -tops, and marbles, rag dolls, and sweet whissels; christmas, with the -little old esquire in his tights, and frisky span, loaded with wares -for a baby market; dreams without enny meaning, little jelosys, little -hopes and curious fears,--strange invoice, but life's capital, in which -sleep giants and pigmys, happiness and misery. - -Life's capital! which can't be increased, but which may aul be lost. - -The little child's harte! look down into it, it is like the vault ov a -wild-flower; apparently tenantless but full ov little sekrets, -sekrets--unknown tew itself,--sekrets worth knowing,--life's capital. - -Sweet little vault whare God has locked up creation's destiny. - - - - -XXXIX. - -MONOGRAFFS. - - -The happy man iz alwus marrid or expekts tew be. - -He don't beleaf in ghosts or ghostesses, nor raleroad acksidence before -they occur. - -He lives upon milk, and pays az he goes. - -He luvs evry boddy, and but fu luv him. - -He laffs when he gits wet, and only takes pills tew pleaze other folks. - -Like the birds, he waz born happy, and like them he seems tew enjoy it. - -The world calls him almost a phool, but his happy ness iz worth more, -and cost less than wisdum. - -But i consider happiness the easiest tew manage when thare aint much ov -it. - -Our wretched wants, though they are what makes a man more than a brute, -are just what reduces our happyness by expanding it. - -Evryboddy kan tell his nabor tew be contented with what he haz got, -(this is good news,) but noboddy but a phool can foller it. - -Phools are alwus happy, but alas! they don't know it. - -Still, thare aint no arithmetic for happiness--a man has to be measured -for hiz happiness just az he duz for hiz boots, and then he aint sure -but what they will pinch somewhare. - - -THE HANDSOME MAN AND PRETTY WOMAN. - -Buty iz one ov them kind ov conquests that don't last long. - -It is a kind ov raid, which surprises, but kant hold the territory -which it invades. - -It is a kind ov meteorick rain, which people may set up a night or two -to watch for, but failing tew see it a grate deal, may conclude that it -aint much ov a shower after awl. - -Handsum men are skase, and it is good that they are, for there is but -very little power in man buty, and thare iz more vanity in one handsum -man, than thare iz in two droves ov peacocks' tails. - -Buty iz another name for effeminacy. - -Pretty wimmin are plenty, and i am glad ov it, for wimmin hav a perfekt -right tew be pretty; but very butiful wimmin are unplenty, and i am -glad ov that ditto, for the chances is, they would use their buty to -gain our adorashun rather than our esteem. After awl, grate buty iz a -left-handed kompliment, for most ov the silly i have met with, are -thoze who believed they was very butiful. - -I think i had rather hav a noze 7 inches and a half long, (in the -clear) than tew be the hansumest man in our county; for in the fust -case, i should work hard tew shorten mi nose bi some other good -qualitys, while in the other case, i probably should never be told by -my looking-glass that i was a phool. - - -THE LIVE MAN. - -The _Live Man_ iz like the little pig; he iz weaned young, and begins -tew root arly. - -He iz the pepper-sass ov creation--the all-spice ov the world. - -One _Live Man_ in a village is like a case ov itch at a distrikt -skool--he sets evry boddy scratching a onst. - -A man who kan draw New Orleans molasses in the month ov January, thru a -half inch augur-hole, and sing "Home! sweet home!" while the molasis iz -running, may be strictly honest, but he aint sudden enuff for this -climate. - -The Live Man iz az full ov bizness az the conducter ov a street kar--he -iz often like a hornet, very bizzy, but about what, the Lord only -knows. - -He lights up like a cotton faktory, and haint got enny more time tew -spare than a skool-boy has Saturday afternoons. - -He is like a decoy duck, alwus above water, and lives at least 18 -months each year. - -He is like a runaway hoss; he gits the whole ov the road. - -He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekauze everyboddy -else duz. - -The live man is not always a deep thinker; he jumps at conclusions, -just as the frog duz, and don't alwus land at the spot he is looking -at. - -He is the Amerikan pet, a perfekt mystery tew foreigners; but he has -done more (with charcoal) tew work out the greatness of this country -than any other man in it. - -He is jist as necessary as the grease on an axle-tree. - -He don't alwus die ritch, but alwus dies bizzy, and meets death a good -deal az an oyster duz, without making enny fuss. - - -THE NERVOUS MAN. - -The nervous man is the original harp ov one thousand strings. - -He is a fiddle, past finding out. - -The tread ov an elephant don't skare him, but he wilteth when the mouse -nibbles in the wainscot. - -He turneth pale at the coming ov the spider. - -He laffeth when the whirlwind is on a bender, but shuddereth when the -striped snaik walks out for an airing. - -He gazeth at the red lightning with joy, when it gasheth the heavens; -but the scales ov his back lift up in horrer when old Baxter files up -his wood-saw. - -The nervous man is a very singular critter--he might more properly be -called a plural critter. - -My advice tew the nervous man is tew drink milk for a living, and for -excitement chaw spruce gum. - - - - -XL. - -JOSH BILLINGS AND THE LEKTUR COMMITTY. - - -Letters which pass from great men to great men are often wise to -owlishness, and so successfully discursive as to treat beautifully upon -everything but the point at "issoo." - -SALT POINT, Feb. 0th, 1867. - -J. BILLINGS, Esqr.: - -I am instructed by our association to inquire ov you, and solicit a -reply, if you could read a discourse before our lyceum this winter, and -if so, at what time, on what subject, and upon what terms. - -Most respectfully yours, - -EZRA SMITH, Cor. Sec'y. - - * * * * * - -POKIPSY, Feb. 12th, 1867. - -SMITH, MI DEAR: - -This day, at 10 o'clock A.M., I cum in contact with your letter, and -was real glad tew hear from yu. How do you like being Cor. Sek. ov a -Ly-Associ'? It is a light, pretty bizziness, and don't require much -capital. - -Let me ask you if you are any relashun to Jake Smith, the hatter. If yu -are, forgit it, for Jake is a common cuss. - -The Smiths are a good family, and prevail more permiskus, than enny -kind ov folks that i kno ov, but it would be unnatral in the highest if -thare want sum, whare they was so thick, that was wuss than the rest. - -Did yu ever read history, Ezra? If yu didn't yu will be serprised teu -hear that John Smith married Pokerhontas, the dauter ov Powhattan, the -injun boss. - -The way this happened was so: Smith was about gitting slewed, when -Pokerhontas went in, and fell flat on him. Old Powhattan giv it up, and -Pokerhontas had Smith, and Smith settled down and went into the injin -bizzness, in a small way, on his own hook. - -This is the grist ov the story. - -Tis one ov the most affektingest transactions on file. - -Yu ought teu read history, Ezra; it will learn yu informashun, and give -you a knolledge ov edukashun. - -[Illustration: The artist takes a poetic license with Mr. Billings' -Story of Pocahontas, and represents John Smith getting "slewed" in a -modern bar-room,--_See page 134._] - -I forgot tew state, that John Smith lived somwhare in pensylvany, at -the time his transakshun with Pokerhontas took place, and if he aint -dead probably lives there now. Thare is one fust rate thing about -history: it is alwus true; if it aint true, it aint history, so if yu -larn it onst, yu never have tew unharness. - -But most poetri, and piktorials, and novels, lie wuss than an east -wind; the fuller a man gits ov them over night, the more room thare iz -in him the next day, for sum more. - -John Smith, who had the transaction with Pokerhontas, had an immense -invoice ov boys; thare is 13 ov that name in our town this morning, -besides several who hav either died or gone to Denver Citty. - -Did it ever strike yu, Ezra, that death was one ov the most remarkable -things that could happen tew a man? - -A man may be ritch, and kno history just like slapjacks for breakfast, -and be handsum, able tew lift a ton without thinking, but death beats -awl these just as easy as biting crackers. - -Death seems tew be as far as a man can git; when a man aquires that -thoroughly, his ambishun seems tew be satisfied. - -One man can be ritcher, and lift more than another, but he kant be enny -more deader. - -I am glad thare is one thing in this world, that is enuff for man. - -Speaking ov man, Ezra, dew yu konsider him a suckcess yet, or has he -got tew try again? - -History has a good deal tew say about man, that don't allude tew his -suckcess. - -Adew, Ezra, - -Yures, full ov oats, - -JOSH BILLINGS. - - - - -XLI. - -ORPHAN CHILDREN. - - -Notoriety is the short glory a man gits, for doin what he ought to be -ashamed ov. - -God only knows how much merit wanders thro this life, sekurely hid bi -rays ov poverty; nor how much crime insolently wears the golden armor -ov wealth. - -I think thare is jest as much virtue in the world as thare is vise, -only it haint been bored for so mutch. - -A grate menny ov opinyuns, advanced bi the uncommon learned men -now-a-days, may be properly defined as dissolving views. - -It is strange, and it is melankolly true, that those men who spend -their time and talents in makin us happier, never gain mutch ov our -respekt. - -Thare is a grate menny people who kno jist enuff tew make a smudge, but -don't kno jist enuff tew clear it away. - -I don't know ov a more keen sarcasm, than a learned man listening -attentively tew a fool. - -The grate merit thare is in modesty, lies in the modesty thare is in -merit. - -Thare is 2 kinds ov hypokrasy: one tries tew appear better than it is, -and the other wuss than it is--one is a wolf in sheep's clothin, and -tother is a sheep in wolf's clothing. - -The hight an depth ov human wisdum, is tew kno oneself; but the human -heart kan never be known, only by the God who made it. - -I never hear a robin on the hiest lim he kan git, pouring out his -evening praise, but I am certain, that someboddy in Heaven is listenin. - -About the most originality that enny writer kan hope tew arrive at -honestly, now-a-days, is tew steal with good judgment. - -I was once asked bi a talkin cuss, "which i thought was really the -mostess happyness, the married or the single?" i sed tew him that in -many cases it was like trieing tew winter on injun meal or buckwheat -flour; before he had got half way thru, he would wish he had tried the -other. i don't kno whether he took my advise or not. - -In a match game (where both parties are marryin for money) aul side -bets are konsidered off--George Wilkes told me so. - -Poetry is as natral a disease tew the human family, as the winde -kolick, and in most cases what will cure one, will cure the other. - -How menny people thare are in this world who spend aul their lives in a -hole, and always back into that. - -The best way tew keep a secret, is tew forget it. - -I never knew a coward who was afraid tew lie. - -It is a curius fact that most everyboddy komplains ov their -misfortunes, and yet, thare ain't ennyboddy who has got the itch, or -salt rume bad, but what thinks his kind ov itch is a better kind than -his nabor's. - -Kompliments are like the frosting put on the top ov a cake, only -intended for ornament. - -If a man has got 375 thousand dollars, and is contented, he is -happy--"jess so." - -I don't serpose thare is enny sich thing as "time,"--time is a mere -parasite ov Eternity. - - - - -XLII. - -BILLINGS REPLIZE TEU CORRESPONDENTS. - - -"_Mary Ann._"--Your letter wuz duly received. I hasten teu reply. -Waterfalls are a ketching disseaze, but not fatal. They fust appear on -the back ov the hed, about the size ov a small geese's eggs, and gro az -big az a wasp's nest, and then they are ripe. They are kep in a pudding -bag, and fatted on black hoss hair. It is not considered enny -misfortune teu have this dizzease, unlest yu hav it small. If yu hav -escaped the dizzease thus far, I wouldn't contract it now; for thare -will be a new one ov some kind around in a fu days, that yu may like -better. In the mean time prepare yourself for the worst, for the Lord -only knows what will come next. - -"_Harrold._"--It will be impossible for me to give you a never-failing -recipee, how tew secure the affekshunes ov the opposite sex.--Grate -perseverance iz necessary, az yu are aware that young ladiz are highly -opposed to the married state. They are like their mothers in this -respeck. I would advise yu tew read the "Pilgrim's Progress." It will -sustane yu under yure trials. If yu kan spare enny time, i would advise -yu tew be very polite tew the young ladiz mother; thare iz nothing more -powerful; it is an evidence ov more good breeding, and it carrys the -mother kind ov back to the days when she had to suffer in the same -cruel way. After fighting the good fight for 6 or 7 years, you diskiver -that yure sweetheart is tew be married to another feller; you will ov -course secure an invitashun to the affair as pall bearer. This will pay -you fur the menny trieing seens you hav passed thru, and will also fit -yu fur the next deadly struggle. But if yu succeed in getting the -objeckt ov your affecshun; yu wil ov course be the only happy man in -the world; this iz the way it alwus effeckts folks. - -"_Unkle David._"--Got yure letter thru the intercession ov the post -office. Glad tew hear from you. Sorry tew hear that Aunt Sally has got -the biles: tell her to poultice them well--and trust in the Lord. Sorry -tew hear that Cousin Heber haz failed in bizziness; tell him tew play -smart--and trust in the Lord. Glad tew hear that Joe Osborne haz drawn -a prize in the lottery; tell him tew try it again--and trust in the -Lord. Sorry tew hear that Uncle Peter sold hiz corn for only 2 dollars -a bushel; tell him tew hang onto it next time--and trust in the Lord. - -"_Petroleum._"--I hav looked into the ile boring with grate anxiety, -and have satisfied miself that it is a good bore. If you git enny thing -in this world worth having, you have tew bore for it without mercy. Az -a general thing, the bigger the augur iz, the bigger the hole, unless -you bore into a mill pond. Menny people are satisfied in doing a -gimblet bizziness, and this shows good judgment. Yu never see a smart -and well to do squirrel that wants tew reside in a woodchuck's hole. -Animals are more sensible than humans; they don't bild a house they -kant fill. I am not at liberty tew tell yu what i dew think about iles -giving out, but i advise yu to bore at onst and keep at it, and if you -don't strike grease, you will have the satisfaction ov knowing that yu -hav made a hole. I am not half so anxious tew kno how much ile men are -a gitting, az i am tew kno that everybody iz a boring. Mi advise has -alwus bin, don't bore for enny ile--"stock." - - - - -XLIII. - -CHIPS FROM THE BUTT CUT OV WISDUM. - - -Just about in proportion that a woman bekums famous away from home, she -haz dun suthin she hadn't oughter. - - * * * * * - -I don't think it will pay enny man tew be poor jist for the sake ov -being a philosopher. - - * * * * * - -The sharpest men hav the fewest ideas, but, like the sun-glass, they -kan focus them quick, and the consequentz is, sumboddy gits burnt. - - * * * * * - -Them hosses who ackt just az though they waz agoin to run away awl the -time hardly ever do, but the dozy ones, when they do git started, kant -run fast enuff to suit them.--It is sum so with the human critters. - - * * * * * - -Ridicule iz the only successful persecution i kno ov. - - * * * * * - -Tew git at the full sublimity ov a wimmins right lekturer, go tew her -hum, and witness her old man striving to nuss their last baby, and -notis what a dredful sloppy job he makes ov it. - - * * * * * - -Avarice makes villins ov sum, and growling wretches ov all. - - * * * * * - -Philosophy iz the art ov making ourselfs happy, but yet i find 7 times -as mutch philosophy in the world az i do happiness. - - * * * * * - -Marrying for love iz postponed for the present; in the mean time Cupid -dips hiz arrows in petroleum and fires at brown stone fronts, just to -keep hiz hand in. - - * * * * * - -Pleazure iz just az natural az smelling; thare is az mutch joy in -sliding down hill by moonlight, on a barrel stave, az there is 40 years -afterwards, in bein principal stock-holder, and president ov a double -track ralerode. - - * * * * * - -We should make virtue our master, not our servant. - - * * * * * - -Pitty is the poorest beggar ov the whole lot. "Pitty the sorrows ov a -poor old man," iz a fust rate way tew hav the dogs set at you,--better, -a good deal, be a little sassy. - - * * * * * - -Generosity, az a general thing, haz more pride than kommon sense in it. - -Even truth haz a ridickilous side tew it, which it iz always trieing to -hide. - - * * * * * - -Sum people lose twice when they bet; they bet without enny pluck, and -lose without enny pluck. Yu kant kure laziness by bribery, nor shame; -the only way to kure it, is tew skare it. Laziness is one ov those kind -ov things that has no memory at all, and but an indifferent -reccollection. - - * * * * * - -"Early impreshuns are the most lasting"--the fust kiss, and the fust -licking, cum under this hed. - - * * * * * - -Reputashun is a good deal like a bond-fire, yu hav got tew keep pileing -on the shavings. If you don't the flame will soon subdew. - - * * * * * - -I was once asked if mi fourfathers was Englishmen. I told the -illiterate cuss, who propagated the question, that i didn't hav but one -father, and he was strictly ov the Massachewsetts purswashun. - - * * * * * - -Good wit iz sumthing like good luck,--the more soon and unexpekted it -iz, the better. - - - - -XLIV. - -ESSA ON SWINE. - - -Hogs generally are quadriped. - -The extreme length ov their antiquity haz never been fully discovered; -they existed a long time before the flood, and hav existed a long time -since. - -There iz a grate deal ov internal revenew in a hog, thare ain't mutch -more waste in them than thare iz in a oyster. - -Even their tails can be wurked up into whissells. - -Hogs are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat what iz set before them, -and don't ask enny foolish questions. - -They never hav enny disseaze but the meazles, and they never hav that -but once; once seems to satisfy them. - -Thare iz a grate menny breeds amongst them. - -Sum are a close corporation breed, and sum are bilt more apart, like a -hemlock slab. - -They used to hav a breed in New England, a few years ago, which they -called the _striped hog_ breed. This breed waz in high repute among the -landlords; almost evry tavern keeper had one, which he used tew show -tew travelers, and brag on him. - -Sum are full in the face, like a town clock, and some are az long and -lean az a cow-catcher, with a steel pinted noze on them. - -They kan awl rute well; a hog that kant rute well, haz bin made in -vain. - -They are a short lived animal, and generally die az soon az they git -fatt. - -The hog kan be larnt a grate menny cunning things, such az highsting -the front gate off from the hinges, tipping over the swill barrells, -and finding a hole in the fence to git into a cornfield, but thare -ain't enny length tew their memory; it iz awful hard work for them tew -find the same hole to git out at, espeshly if yu are at all anxious -they should. - -Hogs are very kontrary, and seldom drive well the same way yu are -going; they drive the most the other way; this haz never bin fully -explained, but speaks volumes for the hog. - - - - -XLV. - -ON SOWING MACHINES. - - -DEAR MORSE--I this morning had makrel for brekfast, and also yure -letter, enklosing a prospektus uv yure "Improved swivel stitch and back -action sowing masheen," and must say i am tickled tew deth with her. - -It strikes me that it must be equal tew a small drove uv nu milk cows -in a family. - -If the masheen iz only one quarter az good az the prospektus iz, yure -fortune iz az certain and lasting az the rocks. - -Don't hesitate tew send me one ov the masheens, and i will return the -prospektus. - -I hav now 3 sowing masheens on hand; one i hav had 24 years, the other -two about 20 & 18 years respektivly. - -The old masheen iz a gem, and will sow on a patch quicker than the hole -was made. - -The other two are smaller, and are halleluger itself on worsted work -and ornamental blister. - -I would part with the 2 younger ones if enny fust rate chance offered, -and furnish a prospektus that would beat the Song ov Solaman. - -Az for the old one, munny won't buy her. I intend to stick tew her till -evry thread breaks, for she iz wuth a dozen nu-fangled ones. - -I got her in Massachusetts, by the side ov the road, at the foot ov a -mountain, from a good old Baptiss deakon, who lived in a nice white -farm-hous, with green blinds and a hoss-block by the door, and a -pen-stock ov never failing water, and a wood pile as bigg az a straw -stack. - -The 2 little ones are on exhibishun now, at mi rooms. Kards ov admishun -can be prokured ov the proprietor bi presenting the proper vouchers. - -Full warrantees will be given with each masheen. - -Principals only delt with; no agent need apply. - -Again, dear Morse, I kant help but thank yu for yure prospektus--it iz -so limber and full ov good advise; but i kant help but say that if you -should see mi sowing masheens and see them at wurk, yu would tare up -yure prospektus in disgust, and either git one ov mi kind, or be -miserable till you did. - -Morse, fairwell. - -In the meantime, yures truli, - -JOSH BILLINGS. - - - - -XLVI. - -SUM ADVISE. - - -Mi yung friend, yu are about tew begin life, and altho it may seem -dredful impossibel tew yu, nevertheless yu will be liabel tew make sum -mistakes while yu are scoring, or during the fust mile or two. - -Let me mix up a little advise for yu tew take till yu git tew trotting -stiddy. - -Yu will observe the advise iz designed for yung gentlemen who show sum -sighns ov speed, and also that i reazon right from the shoulder. - -1. Treat the old man and the old woman as yure equals; smile when they -exhort, and laff when they intreat, for no yung man kan hope for -suckcess in ornamental walks ov life who don't wear the belt at home. - -2. If yu kant raize a mustash, commit suiside at once and begin agin; -for it iz better tew die than tew suffer disgrace. - -3. Cultivate impudense--impudense iz a good substitute for -bravery--only be a littel kerful tew pick yure customers when yu tri it -on. - -4. Keep a trotter and a fiteing rooster. Theze animals will let yu into -the konfidense ov men who will watch over yure morals and nuss yure -genius. - -5. Avoid the old fogys; they are a miserabel set ov cowardly croakers, -who, like a third-rate dorg, hav larnt what little they kno about -virtew bi simply being overmatched in a fair fight. - -6. Suspekt aul femail virtew. This will giv yu an eazy flow ov -ambiguous language while in the sosiety ov the ladys, and enabel yu tew -awake confusion, which yu kan kall sumthing else. - -7. If yu git desprait, and must marry, marry for ducats--marrying for -blud or for luv iz too sloppy for a man ov spirits. Luv iz a low -pashun, and iz designed for 2-story houses on one ov the back streets; -not for a brown stun front. - -8. Bi aul means learn to sware, chaw, and smoke freely, and don't ever -mistake rain water for milk punch, unless yu want a soft thing. - -9. Call religion a stock jobber's pidgeon to ketch flatts with; say -that virtew iz only the galvanized impotence ov cowards; that wisdum iz -but an egg that iz addled; laff at aul things that are sollum, and -sware that Backus and Venus are the only two gods fit tew be worshiped. - -Yung man, cultivate aul the abuv graces, and add tew them what the -ardor of yure genius may inspire, and if the hoss jockeys and pimps -generally don't say you are a cuss ov the brightest hue, and if the -devil don't make you sum flattering proposals, the days ov chivalry are -positively over, and pudding and milk haz got more glory into it than a -brandy smash, a rum sour, or even a thomas and jerry. - - * * * * * - -Yung man, (a fu words with yu in private,) let theze cheerful remarks -settle down into you when yu git tew reflekting at 12 o'clock sum rainy -nite. - -Don't make a phool of yureself by trieing tew jump 65 feet at one jump, -and land among the Berhoys at onst, but examine yure bild clussly and -see if yu ain't better konstrukted for sumthing honest. - -But if yu find that yu must go tew dispair, then put on aul the steam -yu kan carry, and either bust or git thare az soon az possibel. - -P.S.--When yu git thare, and hav had enuff ov it, just drop me a line, -and i will see what kan be did for yu. But don't forgit one thing--that -the road back iz 3 times az fur, and aul the way up hill besides. - - - - -XLVII. - -TAKE IT EAZY. - - -Yes, mi dear feller, do take it eazy. - -Don't fret, don't foam; yu kant take thought an be an inch bigger; yu -kant ketch lightning, however yu try; then do take it eazy. - -If yu would be ritch, _only be good_, and then take it eazy. - -If yure lady-love is coy, do take it eazy, for like a wild colt, by and -by will she cum and lay her hed in the halter. - -Joys ever are fu, the evening ov yure daze may be long, and oil you -will want for yure twilite lamp; then waste not in fury what will last -yu till the wick burns out, if yu will only take it eazy. - -If yu would see the pitfalls that Satan is digging, if yu would be more -than a match for envy and malice, if yu would show no blind side for -reproach, chew awl things well, and then take it eazy. - -Take it eazy, and the snowflakes ov sorrow will melt az they fall; -melankolly will laff when she meets yu, poverty's bundle will be light, -and awl yure songs will hav a sweet chorus. - -Take it eazy; natur don't fret; seedtime and harvest are a sure thing; -the bud, then the leaf; the flower, then the fruit; the lilys don't -fret; then, mi dear feller, do take it eazy. - -Take it eazy, _only be good_, and az each nu milestun bi the side ov -yure Jordan tells that the grate sity iz nearer, and not fur away, will -yure hearte gro lighter, and yure faith gro stronger, airth will look -less, and heaven will look bigger; yes, mi dear feller, do, do take it -eazy. - - - - -XLVIII. - -JOSH CORRESPONDS. - - -_Percy._--Did yu ever ride in the cars on a raw day, and have a -mountaineer dive in from some cord wood station, and, taking a seat -next in front ov yu, rush the window up, and half freeze yure liver -out? - -(If yu answer this question, don't fail tew say yes, or no.) - -Didn't yu feel az tho yu would like to help to pitch the red-necked and -tobacco-chawing curse out ov the windo? - -(If yu answer this question, don't fail to say yes.) - -But it iz no use tew plead with them; they must hav sum more north -wind. - -If yu should shut one ov these human refrigerators up in a 10-acre lot, -and put the bars up tight, he would rave around till he tore down a -pannel ov the fence, to let sum more fresh air into the lot. - -When a half civilized humin critter wants enny thing, he wants it just -az bad az a bear duz, and generally takes it in the same way. - -_Bulwer._--Yu are right about it; the elektive telegraph iz verry -kuriss. But did it ever ockur tew yu, in the solitude ov yure midnite -hour, or when yu waz turning grindstone, or by the side ov the road, or -the down hill ov life, or by the good old Moses, that the nerves waz -the telegraff wires ov the humin boddy? - -If this never haz ockured to yu, yure edikashun haz either bin tew -mutch Latin, or else yu hav bin kept in a back lot, ware thare want -mutch going on. - -I tell yu that dispatches are flieing all the time from the 2 main -offices, one ov which iz lokated in the hed, and the other of which iz -in the stummuk. - -The stummuk inquires, "When dinner will be reddy?" and iz told bi the -branch offiss, at the noze, "in 20 minnitts." - -The bigg toe learns from the operator at the stummuk offiss that "mock -turtles and terrapins iz cumming in fast, and that old Gout may be -expekted in a fu daze." - -The head inquires ov the noze, "What yu blowing about?" - -Answer, "Wet feet." - -The eyes wants tew kno ov the stummuk, "What they shall do to stop -running?" - -Stummuk growls back, "Dam yure ize!" - -Head sees sudden stars, and feels the shock ov an arthquake; telegraffs -awl over the boddy for an explanation; gits the following dispatch, -after a while, from one of the lower offices: "Been down hard on the -ice." - -Friend Bulwer, in the remarks ov the poet, I hold "that we are truly -and wonderfully made." - -_Lager._--Yure inquiry iz eazily dispozed ov. Lager Beer iz not -intoxikating. A man bi the name ov Laubenheimersmitt, who keeps a -saloon, told me so. He sed he had one ov the little barrells in him at -that time, and waz aktually suffering for a drouth. I think he iz a man -who kan be depended upon, for he showed me a bolona sarsage, which he -sed had bin in the family 67 years. It waz aul kivvered with wrinkles. -He sed it had a nu wrinkle each year, like a kow's horn. I asked him on -what prinsipals the bolona sarsage waz bilt? he sed he couldn't tell -me, that thare hadn't bin enny nu ones bilt for menny years, on account -of the grate demand for hosses on the canal. - -_Augustus._--Art haz improved natur, but whether sivilizashun haz -improved moruls az mutch, I woodent like tu tell. Natur iz verry -lucksuriant, and that iz what's the matter ov her. She iz like a -punkin-vine, (grows without mercy,) and wood grow without punkins tew, -but art kurbs the extravagunce, and makes the vines "sum punkins." -Moruls ain't lucksuryant; they woodent be haff a crop if it wan't for -sivilization; but like other things that are forced, they are made tu -yeald so mutch, that the tree soon runs tu follyage and tawp, and don't -bair mutch plums. I don't think the wirld haz got enny sivilizashun tew -spare, but i dew think she haz got more than she kan manige well. I -beleave in sivilizashun terribley; i wood like tu see even bares and -woolfs and wildkats sivilizyed; but if sivilizashun only makes their -hare softer, and only makes them growl less lowder, but makes their -teeth sharper and their klaws longer, i think i like the heethen bare, -for a steddy playmait, full az well az i dew the Christian bare. - - - - -XLIX. - -THEM GOOD OLD DAZE. - -AS LONGED FOR BY JOSH BILLINGS. - - -How i dew long (once in a whyle) for them good old daze. - -Them daze when the sun didn't rise before brekfast. - -Them daze when thare waz more fun in 30 cents than thare is now in 7 -dollars and a half. - -Them daze when a man marrid 145 pounds ov woman, and less than 9 pounds -(awl told) ov ennything else. - -How i dew long for them good old daze, when edukashun only konsissted -in what a man did well. - -Them daze when deakons waz az austear az hoss radish, and ministers -preached tew men's soals instead of their pockets. - -Them daze when pollyticks was the excepshun, and honesty the rule. - -How i dew long for them good old daze when lap-dorgs and wett nusses -warn't known, and when brown bred and baked-goose made a good dinner. - -Them daze when a man who want bizzy was watched, and when wimmin spun -only that kind ov yarn that was good for the darning ov stockings. - -How i dew long for them good old daze when now and then a gal baby was -called Jerusha, and a boy want spilte if he was named Jerrymiah. - -Aul yee who hav tried the feathers and fuss ov life, who hav had the -codfish ov wealth, without sense, stuck under yure noze, cum beneath -this tree, and long for an hour with me, for them good old daze when -men were ashamed tew be fools, and wimmin were fraid tew be flirts. - -N.B.--They used tew maik a milk punch in them daze too, that was very -handy tew take. - - - - -L. - -A HUM TRANSACTION. - - -Mrs. Billings lately becum helpless. - -This kalamity was so well published, that the door bel ov the house waz -kept on a titter for a week, with "_out ov place_," "Bridgets," -"Margarets," and "Matildys." - -From so profuse a crop, it was difficult tew select; each one had a -karakter, that would hav lasted an economikal person for life, and each -one was az demure az if they were about to take the veil. - -They could all bile, and stew--hash, and frigasee, wash, mend, and -iron, bake, bru, and starch--in fackt they were perfecktly elaborate, -in aul cook and laundry doings, and _never staid out ov nights_. - -For sum reason, (bless the ladys, they never dew ennything without a -good reason,) a prodigious emerald selekshun was made from the -applicants, happy in the immaculate prefix ov Mary, a queen among pots -and kittles, soups, gravy, and compounds. - -She could do evrything! - -She could sweep without disturbing enny dust; she could bile a dumplin -so light, az almost tew disfranchise the long cherished principle ov -gravitashun; in fackt, if it was safe tew bet on her, she was a -fust-klass kitchin, within a kitchen; "_ne plus ultra_," _a bonny fide_ -"_Eureka_,"--the last one out. - -She was sworn in, with the usual serimony ov pinteing out the ways and -means, the kittles, and closets, the coal, and cesspool, the pump, and -bred tickets, and lots ov other things, in the matter ov nails for this -rag, and rags for that nail. - -The dinner tew be got up was quite ordnary, and Mrs. Billings, willing -tew levy but a light tax upon the almost omniscient cook genius ov the -accomplished Mary, suggested for sass, that most simple az well az most -agreeable ov aul wheaten kompounds, known amung fluent housewifes, az a -"minnit puddin." - -"Ah, mum, it will plaze yee's to see me be after makin the puddin." - -The mistick hour iz clus at hand, when the platter iz tew smoke in the -senter ov the snowy damask; a gentle tap iz herd at the parler door; -the glistening Mary relates the vicktory ov meat and vegatables below, -and with a plezant pride nestling in her ize, in virgin innocense, -asks: - -"_Now mum, pleze, whare dew yu keep yure minits?_" - -P.S.--Comment seems tew be almoste unnecessary--but perhaps it will be -safe tew add, that, if "ignorance iz bliss," Irish cooks must be the -verry broth ov happiness. - - - - -LI. - -MILK, WHISKEE AND BEER. - - -MILK. - -I want tew say sumthing, ("_in petto_.") - -I want tew say sumthing, ("_entre nous_,") in reference to milk az a -ferterlizer. - -Milk is spontaneous, ("_semper paratus_,") and haz did more tew -encourage the growth ov the humin folks, ("_en passant_") than enny -other liquid. - -Milk iz lakteal, ("_bizarre_;") it iz also aquatick, while under the -patronage ov milk venders, ("_errare humanum est_.") - -Milk iz also misterious, ("_Le mot d'enigme_,") cokernut milk haz never -bin solved yet. - -Milk iz also another name for humin kindness, ("_comme il faut_.") - -Milk and bred is a plesant mixtur. - -So iz milk and rum ("_Bonne bouche_") mellow tew contend with in a hot -day, ("_multum in parvo_") ("_id est_," "_multum_" rum, "_in parvo_" -milk.) - -Sumtimes, if milk iz allowed tew stand too long, ("_statu quo_,") a -skum arizes tew the surface, ("_passim_,") which iz apt tew skare folks -who live in citys, but it dus not foller, ("_non sequitur_,") that the -milk iz nasty; this skum iz called cream bi folks who inhabit the -kuntry, ("_magnus Apollo_.") - -Cream iz the parent ("_pater familias_") ov butter, and butter iz 45 -cents a pound, ("_ora pro nobis_.") - -The most common milk in use, without doubt, ("_sans doute_") iz skim -milk; skim milk iz made bi skinning the milk, ("_inter nos_,") this iz -considered sharp praktiss, ("_coup de main_.") - -Milk iz obtained from cows, hogs, woodchucks, sheep, squirrels, rats, -and awl other animals that wear hair. Snakes and geese don't discharge -milk, ("_lusus naturae_.") - -I forgot tew state in conclusion, ("_ultima Thule_,") that cow milk, if -it iz well watered, brings 10 cents per quart, ("_Quod avertat Deus_.") - - -WHISKEE. - -Whiskee iz the grate Amerikan bevridge. - -It iz the granddaddy ov awl our licker. - -Evrything that haz a good reliable drunk in it, iz at least couzin tew -Whiskee or old Rie. - -Whiskee haz done a grate deal for this kuntry, in the way ov -penitentiary homes, and houses for the poor, and i suppose, if it want -for whiskee, theze houses would aktually hav tew shut up. - -They tell me that a bushell ov korn will make a gallon ov whiskee, and -sum people, who are acquainted with statisticks, say, that a barrell ov -whiskee will go further in a family, than a cow. I don't know exactly -how fur a cow would go in a family, but i should think it would be -eazier tew milk a barrell ov whiskee than a cow--still i hain't never -figured on it, and it iz only guess-work with me. - -A gentleman who haz travelled extensively thru the western states, sez -that vast quantitys ov korn are raized thare, which iz made into -whiskee, tew say nothing ov what iz annually wasted for bred. He sez -thare iz lots ov people out west, who are better judges ov whiskee than -they are ov water, and that you might easily phool them with poor -water, but you couldn't with poor whiskee. They hav made whiskee a -specialty aul their lives, and they kan't even go tew church Sundays, -without a bottle ov it in their pockets. (I think he must hav lied when -he made this last statement.) - -In my honest opinyun, whiskee is seckund only tew original sin; it is -the mill stun, hung upon the neck ov poor degraded humin nature, and if -the devil was allowed leave ov absence for six months, tew visit this -earth, the fust thing he would do, would be to lobby our legislatures -for a repeal ov the excise laws, and then invest his pile in gin mills. - -But since whiskee haz got into this world, I don't think it kan be got -out, enny more than small pox kan, but it kan be made komparitively -harmless, in the same way, and only in the same way, and that iz by -constant vaccination. * * * * - - -BEER. - -I hav finally cum tew the konclusion, that _lager beer_ iz not -intoxikatin. - -I hav been told so bi a german, who sed he had drank it aul nite long, -just tew tri the experiment, and was obliged tew go home entirely sober -in the morning. I hav seen this same man drink sixteen glasses, and if -he was drunk, he was drunk in german, and noboddy could understand it. -It iz proper enuff tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer saloon, -and could have no object in stating what want strictly thus. - -I beleaved him tew the full extent ov mi ability. I never drank but 3 -glasses ov lager beer in mi life, and that made my hed untwist, as tho -it was hung on the end ov a string, but i was told that it was owing -tew my bile being out ov place, and I guess that it was so, for I never -biled over wuss than i did when I got home that nite. Mi wife was -afrade i was agoing tew die, and i was almoste afrade i shouldn't, for -it did seem az tho evrything i had ever eaten in mi life, was cuming -tew the surface, and i do really beleave, if mi wife hadn't pulled oph -mi boots, just az she did, they would have cum thundering up too. - -Oh, how sick i was! it was 14 years ago, and i kan taste it now. - -I never had so much experience, in so short a time. - -If enny man should tell me that lager beer was not intoxikating, i -should beleave him; but if he should tell me that i want drunk that -nite, but that my stummuk was only out ov order, i should ask him tew -state over, in a few words, just how a man felt and akted when he was -well set up. - -If i want drunk that nite, i had sum ov the moste natural simptoms a -man ever had, and keep sober. - -In the fust place, it was about 80 rods from whare i drank the lager, -tew my house, and i was over 2 hours on the road, and had a hole busted -thru each one ov mi pantaloon kneeze, and didn't hav enny hat, and -tried tew open the door by the bell-pull, and hickupped awfully, and -saw evrything in the room tryin tew git round onto the back side ov me, -and in setting down onto a chair, i didn't wait quite long enuff for it -tew git exactly under me, when it was going round, and i sett down a -little too soon, and missed the chair by about 12 inches, and couldn't -git up quick enuff tew take the nex one when it cum, and that ain't -aul; mi wife said i was az drunk az a beast, and az i sed before, i -begun tew spit up things freely. - -[Illustration: Josh Billings is satisfied that lager-beer as a drink is -not intoxicating; but having indulged rather freely one day, he finds -it difficult, when he sits down, "to catch the chair as it comes -round."--_See page 169._] - -If lager beer iz not intoxikating, it used me almighty mean, that i -kno. - -Still i hardly think lager beer iz intoxikating, for i hav been told -so, and i am probably the only man living, who ever drunk enny when his -bile want plumb. - -I don't want tew say ennything against a harmless tempranse bevridge, -but if i ever drink enny more it will be with mi hands tied behind me, -and mi mouth pried open. - -I don't think lager beer iz intoxikating, but if i remember right, i -think it tastes to me like a glass with a handle on one side ov it, -full ov soap suds that a pickle had bin put tew soak in. - - - - -LII. - -PLUCK. - - -Pluck, tew be ov mutch value, wants tew be instant. - -I hav seen plenty ov men who was anxious tew fite an elephant--six -miles oph. - -How menny ov us hav had our pluck cum tew us next day, and then it want -ov enny more use tew us than an epitaff iz tew a ded man. - -Pluck iz a normal virtue, and may be made a shining one, az it iz only -the tuff substances that will take, and hold a good polish. - -I hav seen men who was aul pluck, and nothing else; they are like -chestnutt burs, alwus reddy, but only fit for one thing, and that iz -not to touch. - -Thare iz a pluck that dares tew do nothing but what iz right, and -always dares tew do that; this iz pluck built upon reason, and iz -virtue enuff for enny one man. - - - - -LIII. - -FREE LOVE. - - -I beleaf in free fights, espeshila amung cats and doggs. - -I beleaf in free rides--on a gate. - -I beleaf in freedum for evry slave on arth. - -But _free love_ iz one ov them kinds ov fredum, that it don't do tew be -limber with. - -If this world was the gardin ov Edin, and full ov Adam and Eve, az they -was when they was fust launched, then i kan imagine it might do for sum -other Adam to hold mi Eve on his lap, and talk about his affinitee, and -spiritoal essence, and play lamb. - -In them daze, thare want no humin natur, it was all God natur. - -Humin natur has bin soaked so mutch sinse, it has got tew weak tew be -trusted in a lot whare the feed iz poor, nex tew a meddo, without mutch -fence between nor enny poke on. - -_Free love_ wants more poke than enny other animal. - -I don't believe in total depravity--unless a man has a good chance. - -_Free love_ iz a good deal like drinking 6 shilling gin for a bevridge. -Bevridge iz a Chinese word, and means cussidness. - -Aul the _free love_ i hav witnessed thus far, has existed between a -villainous letcher on one side, and lunatick virtue on the other side, -that had bin deoderized out ov its truth, and had lost aul ov its -modesty, and shame, in hunting after a condishun, whare sin ceazed tew -be a crime. - -The fust free lover we hav enny akount ov, was the devil. - - - - -LIV. - -FAST MEN. - - -I hav alwus loved "Fast men;" not those who are _fast_ in their morals, -but the sudden kind, those who think fast, and ackt fast. - -I never knu a verry slow Amerikan who amounted tew ennything. - -Put a man onto an island, (like Nova Scosha,) and he will learn how tew -be slow; it iz like chaining a bull tarrier tew a post; after a while -he will just straighten the chain, that's all. - -But on a Hemispheer like ours, even mud turkles learn how tew show a -good gait. - -Whare natur setts the exampel, whare she iz vast, and magestick, men -soon git in the habit ov reckoning bi the millyuns, and a man ain't -enny more apt tew make a big mistake, than he iz a small one; thare iz -more game mist at 100 feet, than thar iz at 100 yards. - -Fast men make most ov the blunders that are made; but they also make -most ov the good hits that are made. - -It don't hurt mi feelings (occasionally) tew hear that a man has fell -his whole length, and even ploughed up the ground whare he struck, for -then i kno he couldn't hav bin standing still, nor hanging onto -sumboddy's picket fence. - -Methusila lived a 1000 years, but i serpose he could hav seen aul he -saw, and dun aul he did in 5 years, if he had lived in New York city. - -I never knu a peace ov machinery tew prove a failure bekause it was tew -fast; and who iz thare who has ever turned one bi hand, that has not -wept for joy tew see a grindstone git round 500 times in a minnitt, -driven bi steam? - -Fast men sumtimes kollide, but experience has proved that it iz better -for a locomotiff tew strike a rock at 40 miles an hour, than at 15, for -at 40 miles the _rock_ may be displased, but at 15 the locomotiff iz -sartin tew be. - -I alwus did think well ov the konneticut vagrant, who was confined in -the poor house bekauze he hadn't ennything tew do, and hearing ov a -basswood shoe-peg spekulashun, that was raging outside, broke out ov -the poor-house, and made 1500 dollars before they could ketch him. - -"Life iz short," and this iz one grate reason whi it ought tew be fast. - - - - -LV. - -JOSH REPLIES TO ONE OF HIS CORRESPONDENTS. - - -"_Benvolio._"--In writing for yu an analasiss ov the frog, i must -confess that i hav coppied the whole thing, "verbatus ad liberating," -from the works ov a selebrated French writer on natural history, ov the -16th sentry. - -The frog iz, in the fust case, a tadpole, aul boddy and tail, without -cuming tew a head. - -He travels in pond holes, bi the side ov the turnpike, and iz -accellerated bi the acktivity ov his tail, which wriggles with uncommon -limberness and vivacity. Bi and bi, pretty soon, before long, in a few -daze, his tail iz no more, and legs begin to emerge from the south end -ov the animal, and from the north end, at the same time, may be seen a -disposition tew head out. - -In this cautious way the frog iz built, and then for the fust time in -his life, begins tew git his head abuv water. - -His success iz now certain, and soon, in about five daze more, he may -be seen sitting down on himself bi the side ov the pond hole, and -looking at the dinner baskets ov the children on their way tew the -distrikt skoolhous. - -Az the children cum more nearer, with a club or chunk ov a brickbat in -his hand tew swott him with, he rares up on his behind leggs, and -enters the water, head fust, without opening the door. - -Thus the frog duz bizzness for a spell ov time, until he gits tew be -21, and then his life iz more ramified. - -Frogs hav 2 naturs, ground and water, and are az free from sin az an -oyster. - -I never knu a frog tew hurt ennyboddy who paid his honest dets and took -the NEW YORK WEEKLY. - -I don't reckoleckt now whether a frog has enny before leggs or not, and -if he don't, it ain't enny boddy's bizzness but the frog's. - -Their hind leggs are used for refreshments, but the rest ov him won't -pay for eating. - -A frog iz the only person who kan live in a well, and not get tired. - -The bull-frog iz the boss ov the mud puddle, and has a log tew sit on, -over on the other side ov the puddle, and talks tew the rest ov the -frogs away down in his throat, so that yu kan't understand more than -half what he sez; he iz generally a cross and lazy old devil, all over -warts. - -This iz aul thare iz worth knowing now about the frog, except that they -ketch flize during fli time, and winter on nothing, by freezing up -solid.' - -P.S.--I hav endeavored tew translate mi author cluss, but it iz tuff -tew render aul his butiz intu our tung, without bursting the sense. - - - - -LVI. - -HUMAN HAPPINESS. - - -Human happyness being a subject that interests most persons, and having -never bin writ upon bi enny boddy else, i thought i would write upon it -immediately. - -But fu ever git tew be happy, for the reazon they try so hard. - -_Comfort_ in this world is about awl that mortals kan expect; -_happyness_ has bin reserved, bi an all wise Providence, for futur use. - -Those who are the most happy appear tew kno it the least; in fact, -happyness seems tew consist in not knowing it. - -The best way i kno ov tew be happy is not tew want enny thing till yu -hav got it, and then be saving of it. - -Pudding and milk is a good thing tew git happy on, but too mutch -pudding and milk, even, will worry a man. - -The most happy individual i ever knu had no under garment, and he -probably would have remained happy, until his back had wore out, if the -Femail Billingsville sowing society had not furnished him a cotton -seclusion for hiz body, and got him riled up, bekauze the collar tew -the seclusion want starched stiff enuff. - -It iz a verry dangerous peace ov bizzness tew interfere with enny man's -private plans, for hiz own partiklar happyness, (or partiklar misery,) -upon the same principle, that it iz a verry dangerous enterprise to -pull a thorn out ov a mule's hind leg, and dodge the kick. - -Awl human hapness iz conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding -down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don't serpoze thare -would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long. - -A verry large share ov our happiness iz derived from anticipation; i -kan rekoleckt now ov having tremenjus fun, years ago, in the western -wilderness, hunting bees, and also hav a lively reminiscence ov gitting -awfully stung, when i found the bees. - -Upon the whole, after weighing the matter camly, i hav cum tew the -sanguine konklusion, that the hight ov human happyness in this life, -consists in being unhappy, and not kno it. - - - - -LVII. - -PHILOSOPHEE OV THE BILLINGS FAMILEE, - -AS SOT DOWN BI JOSH. - - -I pray you, never seem tew want enny thing. - -If you hav not got even a wheelbarrow, talk with grate ease about a -horse and carriage. - -If you are caught with a rent in yure coat, be az mutch serprised at -first as he who diskovers it, (a rent iz but the episode ov a moment,) -but do not be mortified, even if he iz curious. - -If questioned about yure ansesstors, remember that the further back you -go, the more safely you may lay yure claims--you had just az menny -relashuns in Knower's ark, az enny body kan show. - -Eat puddin and milk simply becaus it is healthy. Hire a back seat in -the church, so az tew be the first out, in kase ov fire. - -Your wife and children never look so well tew you, az in a "shillin a -yard." - -If spoken ov for offiss, take notiss ov this or that growin evil; -suggest no plan; wear a careful plaster over your mouth, and talk about -the capasity and integrity of yure opponent--if beaten, praze the right -ov suffrage, publickly, but dam the whole plan, privately, as mutch az -you are a mind to. - -If you would borry a sum ov munny, ask for it as you would for a -yesterday's nuzpaper. - -If invited tew dinner--hessitate, but yield upon reflekshun, remarkin, -"that yure own table is provided with oysters, and needs no carver." - -Make az menny frends as you kan--never, but as a last resort, use one. - -Always sing, for thus you may get the envy ov the world, while yure -tears would seek in vain for their pity. - -Live in the world az one ov its most familyer people, but really hav -but little to do with it. - -Never argu, and never be convinced. - -But chiefly, never want ennything; for thus you giv tung tew yure -poverty. - -Menny a man haz died rich, and ben kalled wize, by simply holding hiz -tung. - -When you are asked tew admirate an equipage, dew it warmly, but suggest -that you never indulge in horses, on akount ov their liability tew -glanders. - -If you are poor, ask Alexander tew stand out ov your sunshine. If you -are rich, ask him tew stand in it. - -Dew not envy ennything on arth, not even a man's virtues, for them you -kan git az well az he. - -Talk familiarly ov wealth--deceave every one but yourself. - -Never show the world mutch ov yure hart; keep that for Him who made it, -and knose its impulses. - -N.B.--This philosophee has made the Billings family what they am. - - - - -LVIII. - -AMERIKANS. - - -Amerikans love caustick things; they would prefer turpentine tew -colone-water, if they had tew drink either. - -So with their relish of humor; they must hav it on the half-shell with -cayenne. - -An Englishman wants hiz fun smothered deep in mint sauce, and he iz -willin tew wait till next day before he tastes it. - -If you tickle or convince an Amerikan yu hav got tew do it quick. - -An Amerikan luvs tew laff, but he don't luv tew make a bizzness ov it; -he works, eats, and haw-haws on a canter. - -I guess the English hav more wit, and the Amerikans more humor. - -We havn't had time, yet, tew bile down our humor and git the wit out ov -it. - -The English are better punsters, but i konsider punning a sort ov -literary prostitushun in which futur happynesz iz swopped oph for the -plezzure ov the moment. - -Thare iz one thing i hav noticed: evryboddy that writes expeckts tew be -wize or witty--so duz evrybody expect tew be saved when they die; but -thare iz good reason tew beleave that the goats hereafter will be in -the majority, just az the sheep are here. - -Don't forget _one_ thing, yu hav got tew be wize before yu kan be -witty; and don't forget _two_ things, a single paragraff haz made sum -men immortal, while a volume haz bin wuss than a pile-driver tew -others--but what would Amerikans dew if it want for their sensashuns? - -Sumthing new, sumthing startling iz necessary for us az a people, and -it don't make mutch matter what it iz--a huge defalkashun--a red -elephant--or Jersee clams with pearls in them will answer if nothing -better offers. - -Englishmen all laff at us for our sensashuns, and sum ov them fret -about it, and spred their feathers in distress for us, az a fond and -foolish old hen, who haz hatched out a setting ov ducks' eggs, will -stand on the banks ov a mill pond, wringing her hands in agony to see -her brood pitch in and take a sail. _She_ kant understand it, but the -_Ducks_ know awl about it. - -N.B.--Yu kan bet 50 dollars the Ducks know all about it. - -N.B.--Yu kan bet 50 dollars more that it makes no difference who -hatches out an Amerikan, the fust thing he will do, iz to pitch into -sumthin. - -N.B.--No more bets at present. - - - - -LIX. - -JOSH CLEANS OUT HIS PIGEON-HOLE OF CORRESPONDENTS. - - -_Iowa._--Don't press the matter tew mutch. The only way to heal a gal -ov the "wonts," is tew git her wonted, and then stampede things -briskly. - -_Sharpley._--The best cure i knu ov fur tite boots is small feet. - -_Wisconsin._--Yu ask me "how fur the Hudson River runs up?" i hasten -tew state that the Hudson River don't run up at all. - -_Jerry._--Yu are sound on this espeshall goose, when yu say "that yu -have diskovered poker tew be an unsertin game;" but, Jerry, let me tell -yu how tew reduse it tew a sertinty. 5 aces will alwus beat 4 aces and -a king; it will dew it in any kind ov a game. - -_Albany._--i kant tell yu what the usual life insurance rate is; -perhaps Andy Johnson kan tell yu; he has bin lately reinsured, his -polisy having about run out. - -_Ezra._--Noboddy but a phool would try tew hold a bull bi the tail; and -yet Ezra, mi dear unknown frend, how menny ov us take just as foolish a -holt on evrything. - -_Mike._--It aint necessary that a prayer, tew be good, should be very -long or very loud, i hav used one like this fur the last 4 years, and -it suits me: "O Lord! visit mi heart fust, mi head next, and mi -pocket-book last." - -_Mason._--"Man wants but little here belo" may hav bin true when it wos -fust ritten, but ever since the war he wants aul he kan lay his claws -on. - -_Byron._--I read yure poem carefully. it won't anser. it is tew mutch -longer than it is wide. Poetry is a good deal like a clothes-line, very -apt tew spred lengthways if at all. Most evryboddy, sumtime during -their lives, has the poetry ailment, jist as they hav the teeth cut, -but one teeth cutting satisfies evryboddy but the phools. - -_Dunkirk._--Yu tell me "that yu hav konkluded tew lead an arkadian -life;" the arkadians are a clever sett ov phellers in the lump; i lived -with them 7 years onst in mi life, but they got into the habit ov -dipping their bread into the pork grease, tew save butter, and then i -quit the arkadians. - -_Abigall._--Bonnets kontinue tew be worn yet; the present stile is -about the size ov a kold bukwheat kake; feathers are not so much worn -this spring, on akount ov the grate supply ov bob-tailed roosters in -the kuntry. - -_Lizzy._--The gentleman yu inquire about is a bachelor in full -communion bi profession; his habits fur honesta is good; he pays cash -for his whiskey and billyards. - -_Farmer._--i kant tell yu how much oats it is best tew plant on an -aker, but i think, at a ruff guess, 15 or 20 bushels would be a grate -plenty. i never had but 7 years' chance at farming, but if mi memory -serves me right, (and i never caught her in a lie,) rye must be a good -krop tew raise, for old rye sells now quick for 6 or 7 dollars a -gallond. - -_Pelham._--No notice will be took, (from this date hereafterwards) ov -letters that hain't got a postage-stamp onto them. - -Don't write only on one side ov the manuscript, and don't write mutch -onto that. - -Don't send a manuscript, unless yu kan read it yureself, after it gits -dry. - -We pay, aul the way up hill, from 10 cents tew one dollar for -contribushuns, ackording tew heft. - -Aul settlements made promptly at the end ov the next ensuing year. - -Poetry and prose pieces respectively serlicited. - -The highest market price paid for awful railrode smashes, and -elopements with another man's wife. - -No swareing aloud in our paper. - -Yure article on "frogs" is received. - -It made me laff like lightning. - - - - -LX. - -JOSH CHAWS HIS CUD. - - -Earthli glory is sum like potatoze on very ritch sile,--top -plenty,--tater skase. - - * * * * * - -It aint so much trouble tew _git_ ritch, as it is tew tell when we hav -_got_ ritch. - - * * * * * - -The most bitter sarkasm sleeps in silent words. - - * * * * * - -It is unkommon hard tew annihilate a man with words,--altho it is often -undertook. - - * * * * * - -Hope is evryboddy's handmaid--she is a sli coquet and promises menny -favors, but grants only a fu, and them are badly diskounted. - - * * * * * - -If yu want tew git at the circumference ov a man, examine him among -men,--but if yu want tew get at his aktual diameter, meazure him at his -fireside. - - * * * * * - -Thare is nothing so difficult tew hide as our follys. - - * * * * * - -Thare seems tew be 4 styles ov mind,-- - -1st, them who know it _iz_ so! - -2d, them who know it _aint_ so! - -3d, them who split the diffrence, and guess at it! - -4th, them who don't care a darn which way it is! - - * * * * * - -Thare is but few men who hav karackter enuff tew lead a life ov -idleness. - - * * * * * - -True Love is spelt just the same in Choctaw, as it is in English. - - * * * * * - -Thoze who retire from the world on akount ov its sin and peskyness, -must not forgit that they hav got tew keep kompany with a person who -wants just as much watching as ennyboddy else. - - * * * * * - -Buty that don't make a woman vain makes her very butiful. - - * * * * * - -A puppy plays with evry pup he meets, but old dorgs hav but fu -associates. - - * * * * * - -He who buys what he kant want, will ear long want what he kant buy. - - * * * * * - -It kosts a good deal tew be wise, but it don't kost ennything tew be -happy. - - * * * * * - -Necessity begot Invenshun, Invenshun begot Convenience, Convenience -begot Pleasure, Pleasure begot Luxury, Luxury begot Riot and Disease, -Riot and Disease, between them, begot Poverty, and Poverty begot -Necessity again,--this is the revolushun ov man, and is about aul he -kan brag on. - -Power either makes a man a tyrant, or a tool. - - * * * * * - -Thare is no such thing as flattery,--if commendashun is deserved, it is -no flattery, but truth, and if commendashun is undeserved, it is not -flattery, but slander. - - * * * * * - -"Man was kreated a little lower than the Angels,"--and it is lucky for -the said Angels that he was. - - * * * * * - -"The luxury ov grief!"--this, i take it, means tew hav yure old unkle -die, and leave yu $9000, and yu cry. - - * * * * * - -"Love lies bleeding!"--this is probably one ov the bludiest lies that -ever was told. - -[Illustration: The artist here represents NEATNESS [when carried too -far] as a Roman Warrior, armed with every symbol of house-cleaning -apparatus, and waging war upon all unoffending people who are not -willing to have their apartments thoroughly cleaned every day.--_See -page 193._] - - - - -LXI. - -MONOGRAFFS. - - -THE NEAT PERSON. - -Neatness, in my opinyun, iz one ov the virtews. I hav alwus konsidered -it twin sister to chastity. But while I almost worship neatness in -folks, i hav seen them who did understand the bizzness so well az tew -acktually make it fearful tew behold. I hav seen neatness that want -satisfied in being a common-sized virtew, but had bekum an ungovernable -pashun, enslaving its possesser, and making everyboddy uneazy who kum -in kontackt with it. - -When a person finds it necessary to skour the nail heds in the cellar -stairs evry day, and skrub oph the ducks' feet in hot water, it iz then -that neatness haz bekum the tyrant of its viktim. - -I hav seen individuals who wouldn't let a tired fly light on the wall -paper ov their spare room enny quicker than they would let a dog mix up -the bread for them, and who would hunt a single cockroach up stairs and -down until his leggs were wore oph clear up to his stummuk but what -they would hav him. I kan't blame them for being a little lively with -the cockroach, for i don't like cockroaches miself--espeshily in mi -soup. - -Thare iz no persons in the world who work so hard and so eternally az -the vicktims ov extatick neatness; but they don't seem tew do mutch -after all, for they don't get a thing fairly cleaned to their mind -before the other end ov it gits dirty, and they fall tew scrubbling it -awl over agin. - -If you should shut one ov these people up in a hogshead, they would -keep bizzy scouring all the time, and would clean a hole right thru the -side ov the hogshed in less than 3 months. - -They will keep a whole house dirty the year round cleaning it, and the -only peace the family can hav iz when mother iz either bileing soap or -making dip kandles. - -They rize before daylight, so az to begin scrubbing early, and go tew -bed before dark for fear things will begin tew git dirty. These kind ov -excessiv neat folks are not alwus very literary, but they know soft -water from hard bi looking at it, and they kan tell what kind ov soap -will fetch oph the dirt best. They are sum like a kitchin gardin--very -regularly laid out, but not planted yet. - -If mi wife waz one ov these kind ov neatnesses I would love her more -than ever, for i do luv awl the different kinds ov neatness; but i -think we would keep house by travelling round awl the time, and not -stay but one night in a place, and i don't think she would undertake -tew skrub up the whole ov the United States ov Amerika. - - -THE PHATT MAN. - -Thare iz only 3 things that belong tew other folks that i ever envy, -and them iz virtew, flesh, and understanding. - -I suppose it iz possibel for a man tew manufakter hiz own virtew, and -improve hiz stock ov understanding; but he kant kivver hiz long, lean -boddy ov bones with a soft and pulpy cushion ov flesh, that is fun tew -set down on. - -I never cum akross a phatt man neatly dressed, with hiz slik and -shining face cut generously out ov warm meat, and gashed with a pair of -smaking lips, az smoothe and az gently red az the doorway tew a sea -shell, and garnished with a grate pair of juicy eyes, that are forever -slopping over with good natur, but what I wanted to call him unkle, and -kiss him for mi ant. - -And then their embonpint, (i beleave you call it,) so outspoken, so -full ov good things, iz equal to a dinner, for a lean devil, like me, -to look at even. - -I kant tell whatt makes one man so phatt, and the next one so like an -empty stocking, or a manakin in a narrow bolster, unless it iz that the -phatt souls are like a mountain spring, fed from within, until they -kant hold no more, and then run over the brim, tew make others happy. - -Did ye ever kno a phatt man to commit sewicide? i guess yu never did; -they luv gravy tew well for that. - -Shaikspear loved old Jack Fallstaff more than enny picture he ever -drew, and tho he filled him up tew the edge with deviltry, and stale -heroism, and much sack, and but little bread, he made him phatt, and -everyboddy would be verry sorry now tew hav this good-natured hillock -ov flesh graded down out ov their memory. - -When Shaikspear wanted sum pizen, he sought out, you remember, a _lean_ -apothekary, who kept a grocery ov beggarly boxes. - -Did yu ever hear ov a phatt man being hung? I guess not. They sumtimes -destroy plum puddin, and biled ox, but they never murder enny thing -that ain't good tew eat. - -That must hav been a phatt Frenchman who exclaimed, upon hiz fust visit -tew this kuntry, "By gar! what a people! Ten tousand different -religions, and only one gravy!" - -In konklusion, i never knu but one phatt skool-master, and he want good -for enny thing, only tew slide down hill with the boys. This satisfize -me that _phat_ iz only another name for virtew. - - - - -LXII. - -JOSH TALKS. - - -"_Paul._"--Yu ask me what i think ov the "Gift Distributing bizziness," -and i don't hesitate tew say, that it has awl the premonitory simptums -ov a dead beat. - -I hav alwus found that when enny man offers tew giv me ten dollars for -50 cents, he lies; i may think he means to do it, but he don't think -so; but i may possibly cum within 2 dollars and a half ov it once, and -if i do, i hav dun well, a grate deal better than i will the next time. - -I never put enny money into these swindles, and would as soon undertake -tew raize a good sized greenback bi planting a shinplaster back ov the -hog pen. - -If yu get desperate, and feel az tho yu must gamble, or die, go 25 -cents, odd or even, on the number ov hairs in a kat's back, and count -them; this will cool yu oph. - -"_Peter._"--I kant simpathize with yu, for i never was in love miself, -and don't kno what iz best tew grease it with. - -Put a plaster on yur back, and see if that won't help yu. - -If yu don't git enny better, wash in kerosene ile, and eat sum green -persimmons; if that don't make yu feel enny more eazier, git sea-sick, -and lift up things; this will cure 9 times out ov ten. - -If yu find you don't git enny better, take another dose ov -sea-sickness. - -If yu keep a gitting, finally, more wuss, yu hav got the real old -yeller love, and no mistake. - -Thare iz only one kure for this kind, and that iz the ile ov wedlock; -but this iz very powerful, and wants tew be took with grate caution. - -I hav known one dose ov it tew give a man phitts for life. - -"_Brahma Pootra._"--Speaking ov hens, leads me tew remark, in the fust -place, that hens, thus far, are a suckcess. - -They are domestick, and occasionally are tuff. - -This iz owing tew their not being biled often enuff in their yunger -daze; but the hen ain't tew blame for this. - -Biled hen is universally respekted. - -Thare is a grate deal ov originality tew the hen--exactly how mutch i -kant tell, historians fight so mutch about it. Sum say Knower had hens -with him in the ark, and sum say he didn't. So it goes which and -tuther. - -I kant tell yu which was born fust, the hen or the egg; sumtimes i -think the egg was--and sumtimes i think the hen was--and sumtimes i -think i don't kno, and i kant tell now, which way is right, for the -life of me. - -Laying eggs is the hen's best grip. - -A hen that kant lay eggs--is laid out. - -One egg is konsidered a fair day's work for a hen. i hav heard ov their -doing better, but i don't want a hen ov mine tew do it--it is apt tew -hurt their constitution and by-laws, and thus impaire their futer -worth. - -The poet sez, beautifully: - - "Sumboddy haz stole our old blew hen! - I wish they'd let her bee; - She used tew lay 2 eggs a day, - And Sundays she'd lay 3." - -This sounds trew enuff for poetry, but i will bet 75 thousand dollars -that it never took place. - -This bet stands open till the 17th day ov November next, at halff past -twelve o'clock. - -"_Student._"--Rats originally cum from Norway, and i wish they had -originally staid thare. - -They are about as uncalled for as a pain in the small ov the back. - -They kan be domestikated dreadful easy, that is, as far as gitting in -cupboards, and eating cheese, and knawing pie, is concerned. - -The best way tew domestikate them that ever i saw, is tew surround them -gently, with a steel trap; yu kan reason with them then tew grate -advantage. - -Rats are migratorious, they migrately whare ever they hav a mind to. - -Pisen is also good for rats; it softens their whole moral naturs. - -Cats hate rats, and rats hate cats, and--who don't. - -I serpose thare is between 50 and 60 millions of rats in Amerika (i -quote now entirely from memory,) and i don't serpose thare is a single -necessary rat in the whole lot. This shows at a glance how menny waste -rats thare is. Rats enhance in numbers, faster than shoe pegs do by -machinery. One pair ov helthy rats is awl that enny man wants tew start -the rat bissiness with, and in ninety days, without enny outlay, he -will begin tew hav rats,--tew turn oph. - -Rats viewed from enny platform yu kan bild, are unspeakably cussid, and -i would be willing tew make enny man who would destroy awl the rats in -the United States, a valuable keepsake, say for instance either the -life and sufferings ov Andy Johnson, in one vollum calf bound, or a -receipt tew kure the blind staggers. - - - - -LXIII. - -GIMBLITS. - - -When a man loses hiz health then he fust begins tew take good care on -it. This iz good judgment! this iz! - - * * * * * - -Most people decline tew learn only bi their own experiense. I guess -they are more than 1/2 right, for I don't serpoze a man can git a -perfek idee on molasses kandy bi letting another feller taste it for -him. - - * * * * * - -It iz a getting so no-a-daze if a man kant cheat in sum way he aint -happy. - - * * * * * - -Success in life iz verry apt tew make us forget the time when we wasn't -much. It iz jist so with the frog on the jump; he kant remember when he -waz a tadpole--but other folks kan. - - * * * * * - -An individual, tew be a fine gentleman, has either got tew be born so -or be brought up so from infansy; he kant learn it suddin enny more -than he kan larn how tew tork injun correkly bi praktising on a -tommyhawk. - - * * * * * - -I wonder if thare ever waz an olde maid who ever herd on a match that -she thought waz suitable. - - * * * * * - -If a man wants tew git at hiz aktual dimenshuns, let him visit a -grave-yard. - - * * * * * - -I suppoze Adam iz the only man who ever lived and want never spanked. - - * * * * * - -I hav oftin sett down square on the ice, bi having mi feet git out ov -plase; but i never could see ennything in it tew laff at, (espeshila if -thare waz sum water on the top ov the ise,) but i notis other folks -kan. - - * * * * * - -Precepts are like kold bukwheat slap-jacks,--noboddy feels like being -sassy tew them, nor noboddy wants tew adopt them. - - * * * * * - -If enny man wants tew be an olde bachelor, and git sick at a boarding -tavern, and hav a back room in the 4th story, and hav a red haired -chambermaid bring hiz water gruel tew him in a tin wash-basin, I hav -alwus sed, and i stick tew it yet, he haz got a perfek right tew dew -it. - - * * * * * - -It iz dreadful eazy work tew repent ov other folks sins--but not very -profitable. - - - - -LXIV. - -MORE CORRESPONDENCE. - - -LONG BRANCH, August 24th. - -DEAR WEEKLY:--I seaze the opportunity--opportunitys are like pullet's -eggs, they are small, and don't cum only one at a time--tew tell yu by -letter how mutch I am infatuated with Long Branch. - -I arrived hear tew weeks ago, just in time tew see the Atlantick Ocean, -which iz now on exhibition and doing a swelling bizziness tew full -houses. - -The fust thing I did after mi arrival waz tew _go in_, and I waz -astonished tew find the water so high seasoned. I asked an intelligent -natiff who stood on the bank, with both ov hiz hands in hiz pantaloon -pockets, the cauze ov this saltuous phenomenon, and he informed me "_he -didn't care_." - -I think the cuss lied. - -It iz perfectly heart-rending, and fills one ov mi mellow nature with -tumults ov genuwine sorrow, tew see the gross amount ov young femailes -here on track ov husbands and prospective fathers. - -I counted 16 yesterday in one pile. They all drew in their breaths as I -passed by them with downcast eyes. I felt sorry awl the way through for -them, but couldn't give them enny releaf, for I am thoroughly marrid, -and intend to keep so. - -Shoddy and Petroleum are both here, az full ov wind az a bellows, and -attrakt az mutch attention az a pattent churn, warranted tew make good -sweet butter from skim milk in ten minits; but they say "they shan't -remain long, bekause it smells so much like old brine." - -Yesterday I went out a crabbing, and caught a cart load ov them -(several ov them with my hands). - -Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a country cousin. - -Crabs are used for diet, but thare ain't mutch more meat in them than -thare iz in a horse-shoe, and it iz about az difficult to arrive at. - -They also hav the musketow here, a musikil bug, in great profusion; -they travel around loose, and seem to know everyboddy. - -The bathing here iz perfectly plenty, and the bathers resemble -mermaids--half men and half wimmin--and when they emerge from the -Atlantic Ocean you kant tell _which_ is _who_, unless you ask them. - -After bathing yu feel a kind ov diskonsolate feeling, for which I was -advised (by the resident physician) tew wet miself inside with sum -whiskee. - -I took one small wash, about a tumbler full, and immediately never felt -so mutch like lifting things in awl mi life. - -I thought I could lift an acre and a half of their light sandy land, -and acktually tried tew do it, but after the whiskee let go its grip ov -me I felt as though I could pursew an angle worm into her hole, and -hadn't strength enuff left tew take a photograff ov me. - -If ever I drink enny more Jersee whiskee, it will be after I am ded and -gone. - -Thare iz only one church here, and it kan hold so few that noboddy -don't _go_, out ov politeness. - -Thare iz 21 hotels, and they are principally bilt inside out, tew give -the boarders az mutch salt wind az possible. - -The lodging rooms are about the size ov a hencoop. Each one haz a door -to them, two cracked wash bowls, and a wet towel. - -Dinner iz paraded at 2 o'clock, and opens with soup, and shuts up with -huckelberrys. Huckelberrys are the ruling pashun in New jersey. - -The servants are designed tew be blak, but menny ov them hav resided so -long amung the whites that they begin tew adopt our color. - -Yesterday the Big Snake (which annually makes his appearance here, and -at Nuport, and belongs tew the landlords ov the different taverns) waz -distinktly visibel to the naked eye. - -Az we stood gazing at the Black Crook, a very well drest man told me he -hadn't enny doubt that this waz the old primary old serpent that snaked -Eve out ov Paradise a fu years ago. - -I waz so mutch pleased with the moral power ov the idee, that I -immediately offered him six dollars for it, but he sed he waz engaged -exclusively to write one year for the _Ledger_, and couldn't spare it. -He also sed "he had made snakes a studdy for 14 years," and gave us a -long orashun about the different kind ov snake, (including the copper -snake,) and did it in sich a kind ov a way that led me to beleaf he waz -one ov yure cussed brunette republikans. - -Thare was one feller, who wore glasses and looked with hiz mouth, sed -"the entire snake waz an optik allussion, cauzed by the rays ov the -oshun upon the philaktrick globbules ov the saline fluids." - -The feller had a very perpindikular forehed, and wore hiz hair a grate -deal behind, and looked tew me az tho he had been gittin himself in -condition tew travail in the Holy Land. - -One delikate little cherub ov a female (not an hour over 35 years) -screamed tenderly, and begun tew feel for a snake. - -One pensive creeture murmured "How bewitching!" and another sed "How -egstatick!" but one coarse individual spilte the whole effect ov the -thing by bawling out, loud enuff for the snake to hear, "What a--lov a -snake!" but the snake took no notis ov the remark, and soon skrewed -himself out ov sight. - -Adew. - - - - -LXV. - -SUM NATRAL HISTORY. - - -The _Alligator_ iz not a natiff ov Nu England; he iz too useless a -critter tew be born thare. - -He belongs down South, and resides in the same swamp that the -copperhead duz. - -He lives upon raw pig, and don't hesitate tew take them whole, if thare -don't happen tew be a smaller one handy. - -He iz also fond ov a little negro, once in a while, by way ov a fresh. - -They are amphibicus, and sevral other kinds ov cuss too plenty to -menshun. - -What on earth they are good for, i don't seem to know, unless it iz tew -watch for pigs. - -Their hides kan be tanned into leather, but they are az hard tew skin -az a beech tree iz; and the leather, when tanned, iz just about as -limber az a cooking-stove. But one pair ov boots, made out ov -alligator, will last az long az a man's name duz; the only way tew wear -them out iz tew heave them away. - -Alligator meat iz not luscious. If yu ask for it at the fust-klass -hotels, they will alwus tell yu "that they are jist out." It tastes az -i should think the beef ov a mule would, who had been worked forty -years in a brick-yard, and then been struk with lightning, to git rid -ov him. - -When an alligater's mouth iz wide open, hiz head iz just about in the -center ov hiz boddy; but they hav one virtew i came verry near -forgitting--they make a verry still noize, altho they hav more jaw than -enny other critter i kno ov. - -These are sum ov the heavyest fakts i hav been able tew gather about -the alligater. - -The alligator seems tew be a second edition ov the krokadile, made out -ov what waz left. - -I think the krokodile usually lays eggs when they want sum more -krokadiles, but i don't kno whether i think the alligatur duz or don't; -but if they do, and i ever find the nest, and the old feller aint on -the nest, i shouldn't hesitate tew hatch out the eggs myself--with a -klub. - -This iz all i kno at prezent about the alligatur. - - * * * * * - -The Ren iz the smallest thing surrounded with feathers, except the -humming bird. - -He iz about the size ov a horse chestnutt. - -He iz ov a dark brown color, and bilds hiz nest in not holes, out ov -little bits ov stix. - -He iz az gritty az a mud pie, and will fight a hen turkey. - -Rens are little pirates; i hav seen them drive a blu-bird out ov his -house, and sett up bizziness on hiz stock in trade. - -They lay an egg about the size ov a marrow fat p, and hatch out at -least a half dozen children at a setting. - -A young ren iz the funniest little package i ever see done up; they -aint much bigger, and look verry mutch like a small-sized semicolon. - -Rens are long-lived, but if they should live tew be az old az -Methuseler, they wouldn't be az bigg az a butter-nutt. - -They liv on the bug and worm family, and spend their winters south. - -They are not profitable to eat--i would az soon dress a bumble bee, and -one ren pot pie would use up the whole breed. - - * * * * * - -THE CROW. - -Next to the monkey, the crow haz the most deviltry to spare. They are -born verry wild, but kan be tamed az eazy az the goat kan, but a tame -crow iz aktually wuss than a sore thumb. - -If thare iz enny thing about the house that they kant git into, it iz -bekause the thing ain't big enuff. I had rather watch a distrikt skool -than one tame crow. Crows live on what they kan steal, and they will -steal enny thing that aint tied down. - -They are fond ov meat vittles, and are the first tew hold an inquest -over a departed horse, or a still sheep. They are a fine bird tew hunt, -but a hard one tew kill; they kan see you 2 miles first, and will smell -a gun right through the side ov a mountain. - -They are not songstirs, altho they hav a good voice to cultivate, but -what they do sing, they seem to understand thoroughly; long praktiss -has made them perfekt. - -The crow iz a tuff bird, and kan stand the heat like a blacksmith, and -the cold like a stun wall. - -They bild their nest among a tree, and lay twice, and both eggs would -hatch out, if they was laid in a snow bank,--thare aint no such thing -as stopping a young crow. - -Crows are very lengthy; i beleave they live always i never knu one to -die a natral deth, and don't believe they kno how. - -They are alwus thin in flesh, and are like an injun rubber shew, poor -inside and out. - -They are not considered fine eating, altho i hav read sumwhare ov biled -crow, but still i never heard ov the same man hankering for sum biled -crow 2 times. - -This essa on the crow is copied from natur, and if it is true, i aint -tew blame for it; natur made the crow, i didn't; if i had i would hav -made her more honest and not quite so tuff. - - * * * * * - -The Bumble Bee is one ov natur's sekrets. - -They probably hav a destiny to fill, and are probably necessary, if a -fellow only knew how. - -They liv apart from the rest ov mankind, in little circles numbering -about 75 or 80 souls. - -They are born about haying time, and are different from enny bug i know -ov; they are the biggest when they are fust born. They resemble sum men -in this respekt. - -Their principle bizziness is making poor honey, but they don't make -enny to sell. - -Boys sumtimes rob them out ov a whole summer's work; but thare is one -thing about a bumble bee that boys alwus watch dreadful cluss, and that -iz their _helm_. - -I had rather not hav awl the bumble bee honey that is between here and -the city ov Jerusalem, than tew hav a bumble bee hit me with his helm -when he cums round suddin. - -They are different from other war vessels; the helm alwus minds the -bumble bee. - - - - -LXVI. - -SLIVVERS OV THOUGHT. - - -The heart ov a true friend iz like a mirror; if yu look into it yu see -yurself thare. - - * * * * * - -Wisdom that don't make us happier aint worth plowing for. - - * * * * * - -I am dredful fond ov melody; and a banjo, with a negro hung tew it, -will knock more sense out ov me, in one night, than i kan git back in 3 -weeks. - - * * * * * - -It is a good plan tu know menny people, but tu let only a few kno yu. - - * * * * * - -I have no more respekt for those who only cater tu mi imaginashun, than -I have for the man who fust invented ginger-pop. - - * * * * * - -I never knu a man ov much wisdum who could sing a song well or pla on a -fiddle. - - * * * * * - -I don't kare how mutch a man talks, if he will only say it in a few -wurds. - - * * * * * - -Rewards deferred make us miserable; it is jist so with punishments. -When i was a boy, i had rather be licked twice than tew be postponed -once. - - * * * * * - -Thare is one thing sertain: reason is more than master ov the pashuns. -If this iz probably so, the man must be a phool who aint boss ov -himself. - - * * * * * - -I think it reduces the stummuk ake tew holler; so i think it lessens -awl kinds ov anguish, just as it does sin, by owning it. - - * * * * * - -We are awl willing tew pay more for being amused than instrukted. - - * * * * * - -How menny folks do yu serpose thare is in this world who are satisfied -with things as far as they hav got? Not more than 6, i'll bet. This -looks rather dusty for the rest ov the trip. - - * * * * * - -Thare aint no general rule for happiness; a man has tew be measured for -his happiness, just as he does for his boots, and even then he don't -alwus git a good fit. - - * * * * * - -Joy will make a man change ends quicker than sorrow. - - * * * * * - -If a yung man kant find enny thing else that he is fit for, i like tew -see him carry a goold-headed cane. - -The top rounds ov a ladder are always the most dangerous. - - * * * * * - -I beleaf in the final salvashun ov men, but i want the privilege ov -picking the men. - - * * * * * - -Thare is just this difference between a success and a failure--1/4 ov -an inch. - - * * * * * - -It is a great deal easier tew beat natur than it is tew equal her--so -it is easier tew bile an egg tew much, than just enuff. - - - - -LXVII. - -THE BUZZERS. - - -Ov awl the insekts or even animals, who occupy two legs and breathe the -same kind ov air, and drink the same kind ov water that other folks do, -thare is not a more distressingly bizzy and uncomfortably obnoxious -one, than yure whisperer. - -I mean now those men or those wimmin whose position in the world gives -them the title tew be listened to, and even beleaved, who spend their -lives like a bumbel bee on the wing, from flower to flower, and from -thistle to thistle, buzzing and whispering. - -These kind ov bumbel beeze deal only in sekrets ov the most delikate or -dreadful kind, which they entrust to you with awl the importance and -aimable reserve that distinguishes the intimate frend. - -Thare is nothing in the world that would give them more pain or -confusion (if you can beleave them) than to have their buzzes repeated, -and yet, in truth, nothing would giv them more mortifikation if they -were not. - -They sow their seed as the husbandman duz his expekting it tew sprout, -and rejoice as he duz in a good crop. - -I know not from what ambishun this buzzing springs, unless it is the -vanity ov knowledge, or the skarcity ov news; but one thing is certain, -that no more inveterate workers kan be found--they are emphatikally the -early birds who find the worm; they are the bizzy bees ov thrift, and -they are your provident pissmires who alwus have corn in their cells -against the calamity ov a wet day. Evry citty has a thousand ov them, -evry village a score, and evry naborhood its Aunt Dority, or its Unkle -Darby, who whisper and buzz from Christmas to Christmas agin. These -insekts know evry marriage that is on the ways, and just when it is tew -be launched; they know awl the slips and the slipshods within a circle -of twenty leagues or more; they guess at outrages and divine -bankrupcys; they hear ov elopements in the breath ov the morning, and -see the spektral shaddow ov a domestik brawl stealing on tiptoze amid -the gray ov the evening; they know the crimes ov evrybodys grandfather, -and remember, just like a book, the time when the wife ov esquire Baker -was no better than she should be. I don't know as there is truth enuff -in the world just now to do the bizness with; if there aint, the -buzzers may be in a measure necessary as a circulating medium; but if -this is really so, they stand in the same relation to an honest -circulation that other counterfit munny dus. - -I hav searched the musty annals ov primogeniture, and hav dove down -deep into the labarynths of succession, to trace the literal descent ov -these slander-breeding and birth-giving scorpions, and found that about -four thousand years ago, _Envy_ begot _Malice_, _Malice_ begot -_Revenge_, and _Revenge_ had twins--one was a common thief and the -other was a buzzer. - -Nature seems, in the production of Buzzers, to hav transgressed one ov -her most aimable laws: I mean, the grate parsimony she generally shows -in inflikting humanity with venemous reptiles. - -Stealing is more ancient and more honorable than malishus buzzing, but -it aint quite so safe; the goods are often found on the thief, and this -leads to his detection, while the buzzer is more like the incendiary, -who applys the match and makes good his escape before the flames begin -tew spread. - -If these pests ov humanity were not wuss in their malice than a pizen -snake without rattles, or meaner in their mischief than the robber ov -birds nests, I would try and hunt up an apology for them, or at least, -would attribute to an eager curiosity, or the vanity ov being thought a -kind ov sub-treasury ov other folks' confidence, what is quite too -often too gross to be set down only in the calendar ov crimes. - -Good-bye buzzers, ov high and low degree--yu that buzz in petticoats, -and yu that buzz in britches; I hav but one opinion ov yu, and that -is--a dreadful mean one. - - - - -LXVIII. - -MONOGRAFFS. - - -THE PASHIONATE MAN. - -Pride, without dout, is the old man ov anger. - -The pashionate man is like a hornet's nest, alwus reddy for a fight. - -These kind ov men live, if they are possessed ov virtues, the most -degrading kind ov a life; their fury is followed bi the humiliation ov -repentance. Pride forces them tew the indignity ov an apology, and the -apology is but the smouldering ashes ov another fit ov phrensy. - -If men only flew into a pashun at great things thare would be some -pleasure in forgiving them if it took an earthquake or an elephant tew -stir them up, we could pity them; but to see them convulsed with rage -bekause they stub their toe, or bekause their name happens to be spelt -wrong in the morning paper, sinks them down tew the level ov a cat, -whose dignity and decency is awl gone if enny boddy happens to step on -their continuation. - -But i don't want it told around the country that i am hollering -halleluger for a living, on them kind uv men who kant git mad at all. - -I don't believe the Lord ever intended, if a mule kicks me on one side, -that i am tew turn the other fresh side tew the mule. - -I say, let a hornet light ontu yu if he wants to, and let him set -thare, and chaw his cud in peace; but if he stings yu, while he is -setting on yu, i say, kill the cuss. - - -THE ZEALOUS MAN. - -The zealous man is alwus trieing tew bile, that is, if he has got enny -steam on at all. - -His pot never simmers, it generally biles over, and puts out the fire; -he is either awl bile, or not even lukewarm. - -Zeal often makes a man more ridiklus than folly duz; in fakt, zeal and -folly were twins, only zeal was born a little first; he couldn't wait, -ov course, till his time cum. - -Zeal in religion, is the way that biggots are made, an zeal in selling -the most dri goods, is the way that good liars are made. - -I beleaf in zeal, but when it trys tew beat Dexter's time, then i think -it wants watching as much as a mule's hind legg dus. - -Zeal that trots square, and goes a measured mile in about 3 minnitts -without a skip, is mi kind; i am willing to bet mi suspender buttons -(and they are the last things i want tew lose) on this kind ov zeal. - -After all, zeal is a good deal like lead; when it is biling hot, yu kan -run it into enny kind ov shape yu want tew, but when it is cold, it is -as heavy as enny thing i kno ov. - -I want mi zeal just as i dew mi beefsteak, nicely dun thru. - - -THE GOOD-NATURED MAN. - -Good nature is not an accomplishment, (that is it is not one of them -kind ov collaterals, that kan be manufakterd,) it is one ov the -virtews, which a man gits, just as he dus his nose, bi having it born -with him. - -It is really worth more tew the world, tew hav a good natured man born -into it, and go into the good natured bissness, than to hav a poeck -born, and go into the poeckry bissness. - -Good natur is what evry man kan understand, but there is a good deal of -poeckry that noboddy kan understand, and if they did, they wouldn't be -enny the wiser for it. - -Good natured men work up into fathers, husbands, and brothers, fust -rate, and without enny waste; they make good feller citizens, and evry -boddy feels as if they had some stock in them; little children love -them, and the girls ain't afrade tew be kist by them; they are as safe -and as pleasant as root beer. - -The good-natured man aint alwus a statesman, nor aint alwus just the -man for sekretary ov the treasury, but to grease the griddle ov evry -day life, tew soften the furious, tew raise the despondent, and tew -endorse 60 day paper, he weighs at least a ton. - -I had rather be a good natured man than tew hav a seat in the New York -Legislature; thare may not be as mutch money in it, but thare is twice -the means ov grace. - - - - -LXIX. - -PHILOSOPHEE ON THE HALF SHELL. - - -I hav finally cum tew the conclusion that thare aint truth enuff in the -world, just now, to do the bissiness with, and if sum kind ov -compromise cant be had, the Devil might as well step in, and run the -consarn at onst. - - * * * * * - -I always advise short sermons, espeshily on a hot Sunday. If a minister -cant strike ile in boring 40 minutes, he has either got a poor gimblet, -or else he is a boring in the rong plase. - - * * * * * - -Don't tell the world yure sorrows, enny more than you would tell them -your shame. - - * * * * * - -Philosophers are like graveyards--they take all things just as they -come, and give them a decent burial and a suitable epitaff. - - * * * * * - -Enny boddy can tell where lightning struck last, but it takes a smart -man tew find out whare it is going tew strike nex time--this is one ov -the differences between learning and wisdom. - - * * * * * - -Sailors heave the lead for the purpose ov finding the bottom, not for -the purpose ov going thare--it is sum so with advise; men should ask -for it, not so mutch for the purpose ov following it, as for the -purpose ov strengthening their own plans. - - * * * * * - -I have got a first rate recollekshun, but no memory--I can recolleckt -distinctly ov loseing a 10 Dollar bill onse, but cant remember whare, -to save mi life. - - * * * * * - -There is men ov so mutch learning and impudence, they wouldn't hesitate -tew criticise the song ov a bird. - - * * * * * - -Hogs hav an excellent ear for music--but it takes a dog tew pitch the -tune. - - * * * * * - -I hav seen men as full ov indecision as an old barn--alwus reddy, but -didn't know exactly which way to pitch. - - * * * * * - -Thare is sum folks whose thoughts cant be controled:--they are like -twins, they cant be had, nor they cant be stopped. - - * * * * * - -Most ennyboddy can write poor sense, but there aint but few that can -write good nonsense--and it alwus takes an eddycated man to appreciate -it after it is writ. - - - - -LXX. - -JOSH EPISTOLATES. - - -_Neptune._--I cant answer yure questions satisfactorily tew miself, but -perhaps mi answers may suit yu. I cant tell yu what _wit_ and _humor_ -is. - -It may be the bringing together two ideas, apparently unlike, and hav -them prove tew be a cluss match. - -Thare wouldn't be enny wit in striking fire with a flint, but thare -might be in striking fire with a piece of injia rubber. - -I don't serpose thare would be enny grate quantity ov wit in yure -telling sumboddy that yure gal was as hansum as a rose, but thare might -possibly be sum wit into it if yu should go on and say that she was as -frail, and as thorny, too. - -Humor (as compared with wit) seems to be what the old fashioned folks -in Connecticut used tew call "heat lightning," not the original artikle -that gashes the heavens with a flaming sword, and makes a fellow's hair -get up on end and ake with astonishment. Humor don't dazzle, don't -knock a man down with a sparkle; it is more a soothing syrup, sumthing -tew tickle, without enny danger ov throwing the patient into fits. - -Thare seems tew be more than one kind ov wit; punning is called wit, -but punning alwus looked to me like trieing tew make words pass for -ideas. - -Thare is without doubt, sum wit in puns, but it is something like -sticking a pin into a man, just for fun, and then ask him tew join in -the joke. - -Thare is sum more kinds ov wit, but i find i aint roomy enuff in the -skull tew talk mutch about them. - -Wit and humor both are similar tew kissing; thare is a peculiar kind ov -bewitchment in awl three ov them, that evryboddy can acknowledge better -than they can pictur out. - -Almost evryboddy hankers tew be witty, and most folks think they am, -but ginowine wit is like piety; thare aint much ov it in the market, -and those who think they hav the least ov it, are quite apt tew hav the -most. - -_Philo._--I am chuck full ov favourable sentiments towards dancing. I -like most awl kinds, from a genteel, and modest Saratoger prance, tew -the limber, and loose bilt Alabama break-down. Thare is no other way -tew git the booby out ov a boy, and keep him from steping onto himself, -than tew learn him how tew danse. This kind ov leg manuel is useful for -both sexes. Dancing is just as harmless as gitting over a fence, and i -think dancing-masters should be encouraged, but still i haint got enny -more respekt for a full grown man, who weighs over a hundred pounds, -who will give himself up tew this profession, ov learning folks how tew -dance, than I hav for the fellow who exhibits trained mice. The best -apology that i kan make, tew these dancing professors, is tew say, that -they are martyrs tew the calling. But while I am loud in mi sentiments -for the theory ov motion, thare is sum ov its collaterals that don't -fasten onto my bussum with mutch exta-tickness, but rather with grate -clammyness. I don't kno but awl the kind ov dances that are now raging, -are as free from guile as an oyster, but i hav witnessed sum amung the -top ov the ladder folks, (i don't know the name ov the dances) that i -think ought tew be confined tew the married people, and each man with -his own wife, and not tew menny bystanders at that. - -The amusements which i refer to, are ov the cluss communion style, a -species ov affectionate rotaryousness, interspersed with palpitating -pauses, and demiquaver wiglings, which, strike me, must be indulged in -with great risk by those whose minds and hearts ain't thoroughly broke -to go in aul harness. - -I kant dance miself; i was away from hum in mi younger dase, bissy -about sumthing else, when i ought tew hav learnt, and the consequents -is, that i cant even walk now without betraying mi awkwardness. - -I am most certainly in favor ov dancing, as a matter of boddy and limb -educashun; but i hope the fastidious and immoderately polite won't -introduce into the exercise ov this most delightful and innocent -amusement enny more questionable figgers and forms, and will see the -propriety ov banishing some now already indulged in, which are more a -credit tew their dexterity and prurient knowledge than tew enny thing -else. - -_Plutark._--"Bring up a child in the way he should go, and when he gits -old, he won't depart from it." - -This is trew, but it is tuff to know how to do it. - -I have seen children brought up on hasty pudding and the catechism, -half and half; but they didn't stick. Ministers' sons are proverbial -eggs for badness; this may be owing tew the fact, that religious -discipline aint half so good tew raise young ones on as good common -sense is. - -When I speak ov "religious discipline," Plutark, i don't mean piety, i -only mean a certain kind of stiff-faced and buckram morality, made up -out ov creed and ironclad noshons. - -As a general thing ministers hav as little tew brag ov, over and above -their piety, as ennybody i kno ov. - -As a class, they are better judges of chicken pie than they are of -human natur; their theorys are too much like a tredmill, and there is -nothing in the world will ruin a child enny faster than tew bring them -up by rule. - -Children want studdying as much as the weather dus during planting -time, tew know when and what tew plant. - -One child may be as easy tew raise as pertatoes, and the next one as -difficult as wild oats. - -I have raised two miself, and consider them a fair average, and the -only string I fiddled on was their good sense, and the more sense a -child has got the less fiddling is necessary. - -If a young one haint got enny sense, they won't pay for raising -ennyhow. - -If a child has got plenty ov sense, they are apt tew hav pride, and a -child that has got sense and pride, is just as easy tew raise as a -hopvine; aul you want to dew is tew stick up a decent pole for them, -and then stand one side and look on, and jerusalem! how the critters -will climb. - - - - -LXXI. - -AULMINAK FOR 1869. - - -MARCH. - -March begins on Saturday, and hangs on for 31 days. - -_Saturday, 1st._--Sum wind; look out for squalls, and pack peddlers; -munny iz tight, so are briks. Ben Jonson had his boots tapped 1574; -eggs a dollar a piece, hens on a strike; mercury 45 degrees above zero; -snow, mixed with wind. - -_Sunday, 2nd._--Horace Greeley preaches in Grace church; text, "the -gentleman in black," wind north-west, with simptoms of dust; hen strike -continues; the ringleaders are finally arrested and sent to pot; eggs -eazier. - -_Monday, 3rd._--Big wind; omnibus, with 17 passengers inside, blown -over in Broadway; sow lettuce, and sow on buttons; about these days -look out for wind; Augustus Ceazer sighns the tempranse pledge 1286; -strong simptoms ov spring; blue birds and organ grinders make their -appearance; sun sets in wind. - -_Tuesday, 4th._--Augustus Ceazer breaks the pledge 1286; "put not your -trust in kings, and princes;" much wind with rain; a whole lot ov -naughty children destroyed in Mercer street by wind; several gusts ov -wind; buckwheat slapjacks invented 1745; Andy Johnson commits suicide; -grate failure in Wall street; the Bulls fail tew inflate Erie; windy. - -_Wensday, 5th._--A good day tew set a hen; mutch wind: "he that spareth -the child, hateth the rod;" wind raises awnings, and hoop skirts; -William Seward resigns in favor ov Fernando Would; Thad Stevens jines -the mormons. - -_Thursday, 6th._--Wind generally, accompanied with wind from the east; -the Black Crook still rages; more wind; whisky hots still in favor ov -the seller; sow peas, and punkin pies, for arly sass; babes in the -woods born 1600; wind threatens. - -_Friday, 7th._--Fred Douglass nominated for president by the demokrats; -black clouds in the west; wind brewing; grate scare in Nassau street; a -man runs over a horce; Docktors Pug and Bug in immediate attendance; -horce not expekted tew live. Rain and snow and wind and mud, about -equally mixt. - -_Saturday, 8th._--Horce more easier this morning; mint julips offered, -but no takers. About these days expect wind; wind from the northwest; a -good day for wind mills. Half-past 5 o'clock, P.M., the following notis -appears on all the bulletin boards. "Doctor Pug thinks the horce, with -the most skillful treatment at the hands ov the attendant physicians, -may possibly be rendered suitable for a clam waggon, and Doctor Bug -corroborates Pug, _provided_, the oleaginous dipthong that connects the -parodial glysses with the nervaqular episode, is not displaced; if so, -the most consumit skill ov the profeshion will be requisite to restore -a secondary unity." Later--"The horce has been turned out tew grass." - -_Sunday, 9th._--This is the Sabbath, a day that our fathers thought a -good deal ov. Mutch wind (in sum ov the churches); streets lively, -bissiness good; prize fight on the palisades; police reach the ground -after the fight is aul over, and arrest the ropes and the ring. Wind -sutherly; a lager-beer spring discovered just out ov the limits ov the -city; millions are flocking out to see it. - -_Monday, 10th._--A gale, mile stuns are torn up bi the rutes; fight for -700 dollars and the belt, at Red Bank, Nu Jersey, between two well -known roosters; oysters fust eaten on the half shell 1342, by Don -Bivalvo, an Irish Duke; sun sets in the west. - -_Tuesday, 11th._--Roosters still fighting; indications ov wind; -counterfeit Tens in circulashun on the Faro Bank; look out for them; -milk only 15 cents a quart; thank the Lord, "the good time," has -finally come; Don Quixot fights his first wind mill, 1510, at short -range, and got whipped the second round; time 14 minnits. - -9:30 P.M.--Torch-lite procession at Red Bank, in honor ov the winning -rooster. - -_Wednesday, 12th._--Sum wind, with wet showers; showers smell strong ov -dandylions and grass; gold 132 17-16; exchange on Brooklin and -Williamsburgh, one cent (by the ferry boats.) - -_Thursday. 13th._--Bad day for the alminak bissiness; no nuze, no wind; -no cards; no nothing. - -_Friday, 14th._--Wendal Phillips tares up the constitushun ov the -United States; "alas! poor Yorick;" rain from abuv; strawberries, -watermillions and peaches, gitting skase; rain continners, accompanied -with thunder and slight moister; mercury abuv zero. - -_Saturday, 15th._--Grate fraud diskovered in the custom house--3 -dollars missing; fifty subordinates suspended; a wet rain sets in; -robbins cum, and immediately begin tew enquire for sum cherrys. - -_Sunday, 16th._--Henry W. Beecher preaches in Brooklyn by partickular -request; dandylions in market only 15 cents a head. - -_Monday, 17th._--Plant sum beans; plant them deep; if yu don't they -will be sure tew cum up. Robinson Cruso born 1515, all alone, on a -destitute iland. Warm rain, mixt with wind; woodchucks cum out ov their -holes and begin tew chuck a little. - -_Tuesday, 18th._--Look out for rain and yu will be apt tew see it; wind -sow bi sow west; ice discovered in our Rushion purchiss; miners rushing -that way; geese are seen marching in single phile, a sure indicashun ov -the cholera; musketose invented by George Tucker, Esq., 1491; patent -applied for but refused, on the ground that they might bight sumboddy. - -_Wensday, 19th._--A mare's nest discovered in Ontary county; a warm and -slightly liquid rain; thousands ov people hav visited the nest; windy; -the old mare is dredfull cross and kickful; hens average an egg a day, -beside several cackels. - -_Thursday, 20th._--Appearance ov rain; plant corn for early whiskey; -frogs hold their fust concert--Ole Bullfrog musical direcktor--matinee -every afternoon; snakes are caught wriggling (an old trick ov theirs); -a warm and muggy night; yu can hear the bullheads bark; United States -buys the iland ov Great Brittain. - - - - -LXXII. - -SUM NATRAL HISTORY. - - -"THE CLAM."--The claim iz a bulbous plant, and resides on the under -side ov the water. He iz born az the birds are, but don't cum out ov -his shell. He iz deserted by his parents, at a young and tender age, -but don't bekum clamarous on this akount, but sits still, and keeps -watch with hiz mouth, for sumthin tew cum along. - -Hiz temper iz sed tew be cold, and clammy, but he must have a relish -for sumthing, for hiz mouth waters aul the time. He iz the life ov the -kompany at a clam-bake, and sumtimes may be seen sunning a half bushell -ov himself, in front ov a grocery, and quite often 13 ov them, under -the temporarious excitement ov salt and peppersas, hav bin known tew -peal, and pitch into a man belo the belt, and kick up-a devil ov a muss -with him. - -The clam and the oyster are cuzzins, but the oyster haz the best -edukashun ov the two; their habits are simlar, but thare iz a grate -diffrence in the thickness ov their skulls, and in the softness ov -their brains; the oyster would shine az a poet, in the collums of the -monthly * * * * *, while the clam might do the fish market report for -the New York daily * * * * *. - -Thare iz nothing more docile than the clam, and altho they sumtimes git -into a stew, they are az eazy tew lay yure hand on, and ketch, az a -stun, but they are like an injun, not very talky; they hav got an -impediment in their noize; their lips open with too much titeness, and -their mouth iz tew full ov tongue tew be glib. - -Thare iz az mutch diffrence in the breed ov clams, az thare iz in the -breed ov christians; sum are so tender; and sum are so tuff,--sum are -good on the half shell, at a minnitt's notis, and sum want az mutch -biling az a hoss shu, and then will stand a good deal ov chawing -besides. - -Clams were fust diskovered, az the meazles waz, by being caught. How -long a clam kan live I don't beleaf they kan tell themselfs, probably 5 -thousand years, but a large share ov this time iz wasted; a clam's time -aint worth mutch, only tew grow tuff in; it is jiss so with sum other -folks I kno ov. - - * * * * * - -"THE CRAB."--Natur is fond ov a joke. - -She must have felt full ov fun, when she made a soft shell crab. The -strongest emotion the crab haz iz tew bite. They aint afrade tew bite a -sawlog, or a black bear. They are born in the water, but they kan live -out doors on the land as long az they kan find ennything tew bite. - -They hav several leggs, which are aul lokated on the starboard side ov -their person. Crabs liv under cover, like the mud turtles, but they -move evry fust ov May, into a new one. - -They are sed tew be good eating, but you wouldn't think so tew stand -and look at them; it would bother a stranger tew tell where tew begin; -it would be a good deal like trying tew make a sudden dinner out ov a -kross kut saw. - -They are biled in a pot, about 3 bushels ov them, until they stop -biting, and then they are done, and are et by throwing away the boddy, -and sucking the pith out ov the limbs. It is a good deal like trieng -tew get the meat out ov a grasshopper's leggs. It is considered a good -day's work to git one dinner out of biled crabs; I think perhaps a -person mite sustane life on them, but he would hav tew work nite and -day to do it, and keep a smart man biling crabs aul the time. Crabs -bite with their feet, and hang on like a country couzin. - - - - -LXXIII. - -MONOGRAFFS. - - -THE INQUISITIVE MAN. - -Thare iz no commerce which men and wimmin indulge in, that haz so much -plezure in it, and at the same time iz subjeckt tew such peculiaritys -and abuses, az askin questions. - -I hav seen people who could ask questions awl day long, and not looze -enny flesh. - -Theze kind are like 2 inch augers--espeshilly ordained. - -They don't seem tew have enny difinite objeckt in view, and therefore -seldum git satisfied, but if they ever do git satisfied, they are then -awl reddy to begin agin. - -They are something like the festiff-muskeeter, they kan liv on nothing, -if it iz necessary, but they don't like tew be idle, and the best way -to drive them oph, iz tew let them settle, and git full. - -The inquisitive man don't seem tew be aktuated by maliss, or envy; he -iz only dry, and asking questions iz the only thing that will wet hiz -drouth. - -They most alwus live tew a good old age, and often die ritch and even -virtuous, but never satisfied; yu might az well undertake tew blow up a -shad net with wind, az tew fill a genuine quidnunker with nuze. - - * * * * * - -THE LAZY MAN. - -Self-preservashun iz the fust law ov natur, and laziness iz the sekund. - -Laziness iz a kind ov moral dispepshee, or a species of virtuous gout. - -It iz just az natral for a man tew be lazy, az it iz tew be born. - -I never knu a lazy man tew really want ennything, wanting things iz -just what spiles a man for laziness. Awl kinds ov laber requires an -insentive; thare aint but now and then a man who is anxious tew saw dri -hickory wood twice in 2 awl day long jist for fun. - -Even boys hav tew be larnt how tew work, just az a dorg haz tew be -lernt how to churn butter, and i hav known dorgs, after they had got -well lernt, to hide under the barn churning days. - -If laber iz a cuss, it strikes me that laziness must be a blessing. - -Bees are alwus quoted az patterns ov industry, but bees don't lay up -enny hunny in those kuntrys whare the flowers bloom the year round. - -But i am not in favour ov laziness, and don't recommend it, even if it -iz natral, enny more than i would recommend murder, bekauze the fust -man that waz born into the wurld saw fit tew kill the seckund one -naturally. - -I hav alwus looked upon a lazy man az a kind ov natral pirate, who -lives upon the oats ov others, and don't think he haz enny more right -tew live and be lazy than a snake haz. - -In conclusion, laziness iz like red hair, the only way tew cure it iz -to die. - -I forgot to say that the lazyest man I ever knu lived a little -southeast ov Dunkirk; he waz too lazy to pay hiz honest dets, or even -wipe hiz noze, and so he let them both run. - - -THE PERFEKT MAN. - -It is hard work tew be perfeckt, and yet thare is menny who reach -perfekshun with fust rate skill. - -Thare seems to be 2 kinds ov worldly perfekshun; one kind is very mutch -like a squash; if it is good, it is good bekause it kant help it. - -I alwus envy this kind, they don't hav enny intestine fights with -themselfs; they are like an eight day clock, don't want winding up but -onst a week. - -Their morality is like the Eolian harp; even an east wind will play a -pleasant tune upon it. - -The other kind ov perfektion belongs tew those folks who kno they are -perfekt, these kind ov perfectioners travel on their muscle, and -wouldn't be afrade tew fight the Devil for 200 dollars a side. - -Whenever yu find a man who is natrally perfekt, yu will find one who -either never haz been temted or who haint got enny thing worth -tempting. And whenever you find a man who sez he is perfekt, yu find -one who want swatching az much az a buzz saw duz. Theze 2 kinds ov -moral perfectioners are the only ones i kno ov in this wurld; we kan -awl ov us imagine, and even hanker, for sumthing better than either ov -theze, but perfekshun is not earthy, it roosts near the skeys. - - -THE FAULT-FINDING MAN. - -Good Lord deliver us! Good Lord deliver us now this minnit! from the -fault-finding man. - -One ov yure wheezing cusses, i mean. - -These kind ov humin critters are alwus full ov natral flesh; evry boddy -iz wrong but they grab thissells, whare other folks gather figs. If -they enjoy enny thing they do it under a kind ov protest, and if enny -body else enjoys enny thing, they are reddy tew bet 10 dollars, they -lie about it. - -I pitty these poor fellers, more than i do a lost dorg. - -Their happiness seems tew be alwus drawn from the top ov their misery. - -Rather than not be able tew find enny fault, they wouldn't hezitate tew -say tew an angle-worm, that his tail was altogether too long for the -rest of his boddy. - -They keep up a kind ov running fight, all their lives, with evry thing -they cum across, but seldum ever win a battle; they are like a -second-rate bull terrier, alwus a fighting and alwus a gitting licked. - - - - -LXXIV. - -JOSH DOES UP HIS CORRESPONDENCE. - - -"_Bushrod._"--I got yure faver bi this morning's mail, and taking oph -mi cut, and rooling up mi sleeves, and spitting on mi hands, repli az -follers: - -If yu have got plenty ov brains, and no money, Nu York citty iz a good -place tew cum to, but if yu hav got plenty ov money, and no brains, -stay right whare yu are, and keep in the house most always. - -A ritch phool, in this citty, iz soon smelt out, and then don't last -enny longer than a nuzeboy's brekfast. - -If you haint got enny money, nor enny brains, steal a cow, the fust -good chance yu kan git, and live quietly on the milk. - -"_Deacon._"'--Yure question iz too big; i kant tell which i think iz -the most preacher, Chapin or Beecher. - -They kan, either ov them, preach the gospel up a heavier grade than -enny men i kno ov, in North Amerika, including our rushing possessions. - -Sum folks think that religion consists in preaching the gospel thru -yure noze, and that piety iz a kind ov moral jandies, but i don't; i -beleave the Lord iz not angry at a lively christian, provided he iz -level, and duz bizz square, after dark. - -Sum people are down on sensashun preachers, but i aint. Paul waz a -sensashioner ov the best brand, and i kno ov lots ov places now, whare -a man could preach the gospel, with one hand on hiz revolver, and do a -good bizzness. - -The world iz choked up with human beings, who hav either got tew be -skared or drove into heaven, if they ever git thare. - -I kan imagine that it iz hard work for a man, with a head full ov -lightning, not tew flash once in a while, but lightning don't skare me; -I had rather be struk with it, than tew be strangled with sawdust. - -Thare iz plenty of churches in the United States left, whare yu kan -have religion measured out to yu by the small meazure, and whare piety -sits like an owl on its roost. If yu are afrade ov lightning, tend one -ov theze. - -I have sot under dull and under lively preeching, and i say, (if thare -iz enny to spare,) give me the lively. - -"_Molly._"--Street dresses are worn here almost unanimously; in fackt, -it iz impossibel tew see enny kind ov a femail in the streets without -sum kind of a dress on--i mean street dress. - -They are made in the shape ov a dinner-bell, and fit just about az -tight. - -Waterfalls are a peg higher than they waz, and soon will be worn on the -top ov the hed, like a rooster's comb. - -Hoop skirts are close-reefed, and tilters are on their last leggs. - -Kid gloves are the rage in lavender; the more lavender the better, and -the hair eddys in front, like a nest ov yung whirlpools just hatched -out, and drops down behind from the waterfall in one link a foot long, -about the size ov a rope, with the pucker coming out ov it. - -"_Barney_"--I received the rat tarrier yu sent me by the Merchants' -Union Express, last evening, and gave him a quart ov milk for hiz tea. - -He pocketed the milk, and wagged for sum more; it made him stick out -like a false caff. - -He slept sound last night, and hasn't waked up yet, altho it iz now 10 -o'clock this morning. - -I have stopped writing tew tickle hiz nose with a pin, and he iz now -rushing things around the room for sum rats. - -He haz just tipped over a Chinese god, worth 8 dollars, and broke him, -he will git rats when mi wife cums in. - -He kant find enny rats, and is now chawing oph mi little boy's toe--to -hiz shoe. - -He iz now crazy for rats agin, and will smash the other vase agin, I'll -bet. - -Thare goes the other vase, bi thunder! all tew powder. - -He iz now out ov wind, and iz running hiz tung out and in. - -He wants tew go out doors for sumthing, and i hav let him went. - -He haz just found a poor little boy in the street, whom he knows, and -the boy seems tew know him, and they hav gone round the next block, on -a run, together, tew see sumthing. - -He don't seem tew cum back! - -It iz now to-morrow, and the tarrier don't seem tew cum back. - -My wife iz glad ov it. - -I am out 2 vases, a quart of nu milk, and one tarrier. - -My wife sez, if i ever buy another rat pup, she will put him tew -immediate soak in the cistern at onst. - -Mi wife iz one ov them kind ov wimmin that don't make enny statements -unless they are true, so yu needn't send me enny more tarrier. - - - - -LXXV. - -CUPID ON A RAID. - - -It iz real singular what a man-killer and a woman killer the god Cupid -iz for one ov hiz heft. - -He iz piktured out on paper about the size of a four-year old fat boy -baby, with a pair of wings about az large as a boss butterfly's, and iz -armed with a bow and arrows, that might possibly answer tew kill -bumbelbees at four paces. - -This little fellow haz bagged more game with hiz wooden shuteing irons -than aul the powder and shot that ever haz been built can brag ov. - -I suppoze that it is generally known that he shutes from under cover, -at both long and short range, and never iz seen himself. - -He haz in hiz quiver innumerable arrows, sum few ov them dipped in -genuine love, and feathered with good sense, but most ov them would -seem too trifling tew be at all dangerous if I hadn't, with mi own -eyes, noticed him at work with them, both at male and female game, both -sitting and flieing, and seen the many ded shots he haz made. - -I have been at sum pains for the last tew seazons tew watch hiz -manoovers, whare I have happened tew be, and the following reckord iz a -faithful history of this little chap's bloody bizz: - ---> Ben Slocum, aged 19 years, weight about 190 pounds, and a good -eater, at work by the month for Farmer Brown, hoeing corn, received hiz -death wound from a garter belonging to Rachel Tucker, Brown's hired -girl, as the said Tucker waz learning tew jump the rope down in the -garden. - ---> Kate Freelove, youngest daughter of I. S. Freelove, Esq., who could -play big on the pianner, and had studied Latin one quarter, waz shot -thru and thru by a paper ov Stuart's mixed candys that Frank Fever sent -her. - ---> John Davis got his mutton cooked bi a spit-curl that waz dangling -on Angeline Brown's forehead. - ---> Bill Weatherby, a dry goods clerk, died suddenly bi gitting in -range ov one ov Roxy Mathew's sweetest smiles, darted acrost the -counter. - ---> Sally Munson disseased without a struggle. Cause--Dick Fenton's No. -7 patent leather boots, and Californy soltaire. - ---> Master David Mentor, aged 12 years, departed this life at a -district school-house while sharpening little Libby Sherman's slate -pensil. - ---> Sam Benson, butcher, wounded with a hoop skirt, got better, then -was struck plumb dead by a false calf, in the Bowery. - ---> Lawrence Peters, aged 60, and for 30 years a consistent bachelor, -lived only an hour, in grate agony, atfer eating warm apple pies at -Widow Stebbins's. - ---> Matt Marshall, worth 250 thousand in 7-30's, waz give up for ded, -the arrow passing direktly thru hiz heart, from Maggie Morse's tucker, -but recovered instantly upon learning that Maggie's father waz only -worth 75 thousand. - ---> Frank Hunter, maimed for life by a black balmoral with an orange -stripe in it. - ---> Tabitha Spencer, slightly tuff, had been shot at a hundred times, -and always mist, waz finally fetched by the Rev. Furbush, in his grate -act, reading the 146th hymn, common meter. - ---> Seth Perkins, tailor, waz slain, goose in hand, by a pucker in the -eye ov Hanner Hemstich's cambric needle. - ---> Matilda Alabaster Jones, caught her death by a squeeze from the -hand of Fitzherbert Augustus Boliver, only son ov Duke Mose Boliver. -This squeeze took place last Friday. - ---> Jack Tindar, killed instantly at Saratoger, on the 15th ov last -August, by four shots at once, from the eyes ov Jane Smirk, and her -cuzzin Tildy. - ---> Spencer Richards was wantonly murdered by a chance shot, in a -crowd, from an opera glass. - - - - -LXXVI. - -JOSH COMMUNES WITH HIS FRIENDS. - - -Dear Joe--Your letter came by the last mail and brought with it menny -thoughts ov that sunny time when yu and I waz boys, and slid down hill -together. Yu ask for mi advise upon a topick which iz always a delikate -one for a third party to mix in with; but yu are aware that I am not -very delikate, and don't hesitate tew launch mi opinion, espeshily when -invited to do it. I consider advise generally wasted, and most sure to -be when given upon the matter in question, but i hav a large stock ov -it on hand, and shan't miss what i devote to you. - -By awl means, Joe, git married, if yu hav got a fair show. Don't stand -shivvering on the bank; but pitch in and stick yure head under, and the -shiver iz awl over. Thare aint enny more trick in gitting marrid, after -yu are ready, than there iz in eating peanuts. Menny a man haz stood -shivvering on the shore till the river haz awl run out. Don't expect -tew marry an angel; the angels hav awl been picked up long ago. -Remember, Joe, yu aint a saint yureself. Don't marry for buty -excloosively; buty iz like ice, awful slippery, and thaws dredful eazy. -Don't marry for garments; dry goods are uncommon deceptibus; they are -like the feathers on a blue-jay--pick oph the feathers, and thare aint -nothing left. Don't marry for munny; munny may make yu respectabel, but -kan't make you honnest nor happy. Don't marry excloosively for luv -neither; luv iz like a cooking-stove, good for nothing when the fuel -gives out. But marry a mixtur. Let the mixtur be: sum buty, becumingly -dressed, with about 225 dollars in her pocket; a good speller, handy -and neat in the house, plenty ov good sense, a tuff constitution and -by-laws, small feet, and a light stepper; add tew this, clean teeth, -and a warm heart; the whole tew be well shaken before taken. This -mixtur will keep in enny climate, and not evaporate. If the cork -happens tew be left out for two or three minutes, the strength aint awl -gone. - -Joe, for heaven's sake don't marry for pedigree; thare aint much in -pedigree, unless it iz backed up bi bank stock; a family, with nothing -but pedigree, generally lacks sense; they are like a kight with tew -much tail; if they would only take oph sum ov the tail, they mite -possibly git up, but they are always tew illustrious to take off any -tail. - -Let me hear from yu again, Joe, soon. - -But mi dear fellow, don't be afrade; wedlok iz az natral az milk, but -in course thare iz sum difference in milk about highsting cream, but -there iz one thing that don't vary, and that iz awl milk tew have the -cream rize good, and keep sweet, must be kept in a cool place, not be -rousted up tew often. - -Don't be an olde bachelor; lonesum, and selfish, crawling out ov yure -hole, in the morning, like a shiny backed beetle, and then backing into -it again, late every night, suspicious, and suspected. - -I would az soon be a stuffed rooster, set up in a show window, or a tin -weather cock, on the ridge-pole of a female seminary, az a lonesum -bachelor, jeered at by awl the virginity ov the land. - -_Jeremiah._--Don't confuse learning and wisdum; thare iz jist az mutch -diffrence between them az thare iz between fruit that iz raized in a -hott-house and that which ripens out doors, smiled upon bi the sun, and -shook up by the wind and the storm. - -When the two hitch up together, they are a bully team. - -Wisdum, being natrally the stoughtest, takes learning up in its arms, -and learning points out the shortest road tew take; they work together -handy az a pair ov twin oxen. - -If a man kant hav but one, he better hav the wisdum, for wisdum iz -alwus fatt with good sense, and kan alwus uze its strength; while -learning must hav just sich a spot tew work in, and jist sich a way tew -do it. - -Wisdum iz a giant, whoze strength makes him respekted, while learning -iz a pigmy, whoze knowledge makes him feared. - -But, Jeremiah, thare kan be a good deal sed for both ov them. - -Wisdum grows stout by thinking, and learning gits fat by studdy. - -Wisdum iz ov the natur ov genius, while learning iz ov the natur ov -tallent. - -But, Jeremiah, these subjects are too full ov logick for you and me tew -phool with. We had better spend our loose moments in finding out the -best way tew raize beans, and the best market tew take them to. - -P.S.--I forgot to say that thare iz four hundred times az mutch -learning in the world as thare iz wisdum. - -And also, a man may hav a grate deal ov learning, and not know mutch, -just as he may have a grate deal ov strength, and not know the best -holts. - - - - -LXXVII. - -JAW BONES. - - -Genius iz like a hop vine; it will run, and spread, enny how, and hav a -whole lot ov wild hops on it, but tew be a good krop, it must be poled, -and cut back, and suckered. - -_Precept_ iz a buck saw--_experience_ the elbo grease that runs the -cussid instrument. - -Don't talk tew much, Jessie; one half the wisdum ov this world consists -in not saying ennything. - -Thare iz nothing more dangerous tew most men than praize; it iz like -filling them up with gunpowder, and then tutching them oph. - -Patience, if it iz merely constitushional, don't appear tew me to be -enny more ov a virtue than kold feet are. - - - - -LXXVIII. - -MORE PHILOSOPHY. - - -THE SUSPICIOUS MAN. - -Suspicion, a little ov it, iz almost az good az wisdum, but it iz one -ov them kind ov disseazes that men aint apt tew hav small. It iz like -the meazles--if they have it they hav it aul over. - -A suspicious man iz most alwus a cunning man; and a cunning man iz -generally a rogue. - -What the happiness ov a suspicious man consists in i never could tell. -It certainly aint in friendship, for he iz afraid tew trust hiz own -brother; it kant be in conversashun, for he beleaves evry man lies; nor -in affection, for he looks upon the artlessness, even ov children, as -the germs ov fraud. - -If a man iz born with this trait, it iz alwus the stoughtest one he haz -got, and about the only one; for suspicions iz like sheep sorrell, a -vinegary weed, that runs evry generous plant out ov the soil. - -If a man learns tew be suspicious, it only proves that he haz been tew -bad schools, where not mutch of ennything else waz taught. - -Noboddy but a phool would lay aside all kaution and undertake tew go -thru this world without enny linch-pin; but noboddy but a rogue would -learn enny more suspicion than he was aktually obliged to. - -Prudence and kaution are the simple children ov wisdum; but suspicion -iz either a bastard, got by Deceit, upon the person of Ignorance, or -else it iz the legitimate baby ov parents who hav studdied kaution, not -tew protekt themselves, but tew be able tew cheat sumboddy else aul the -eazier. - - -THE WISE MAN. - -Wisdum is a six-hoss team, with a karfull driver on the box. Yea! a -wize man iz an iron-klad elephant chawing hiz cud. - -But this wurld is full ov wisdum that never cums out ov its hole; that -always roosts on the top limbs ov a tree and hoots at the wayfairing -man, but kant show him the way out ov the wilderness. - -These kind ov wise men are like old gideboards at the crotch ov the -roads with the lettering aul washed oph--wooden prophets, wus than no -news. - -Wisdum is made out ov faith and virtew and truth seasoned with toil and -experience, and scented with modesty. This kind ov wisdum is full as -glorious as it is skase. - -But experience, without doubt, is the boss skool-master ov wurdly -wisdum. He is the one who taught Adam and his wife their fust lesson, -and he haint never bin out ov a job since. His skool keeps aul day -Saturday, and Sundays too, and has but one vakation in it, and that is -when aul hands are asleep. - -But say what yu will, wisdum is a rare bird ennyhow. Thare is lots ov -folks that kan show yu the mule that kicked them last, but it takes one -ov yure klassikal skollars, one ov yure blooded wisdumers, tew point -out the mule that iz a going tew kick next. - -Buy wisdum, mi friends, whenever it is in market, for she is a harp ov -1200 strings. - - -THE EFFEMINATE MAN. - -The effeminate man is a weak poultiss. - -He is a kross between root beer and ginger pop with the cork left out -ov the bottle over night. - -He is a fresh water mermaid lost in a cow pastur, with his hands filled -with dandylions. - -He is a tea-kup full of whipped sillybub--a kitten in pantylets--a sick -monkey with a blonde mustash. - -He is a vine without enny tendrills--a fly drowned in sweet ile--a -paper kite in a ded calm. - -He lives as the butterflise do--noboddy kan tell whi. He is as harmless -as a cent's wuth ov spruce gum, and as useless as a shirt button -without enny button-hole. - -He is as lazy as a bread-pill, and has no more hope than a last year's -grasshopper. - -He is a man without enny gaul, and a woman without enny gissard. - -He goes thru life on his tiptose, and dies like colone water spilt on -the ground. - - - -***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSH BILLINGS ON ICE*** - - -******* This file should be named 41025.txt or 41025.zip ******* - - -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: -http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/4/1/0/2/41025 - - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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