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diff --git a/40901-0.txt b/40901-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c87ab91 --- /dev/null +++ b/40901-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5157 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40901 *** + + THE + GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S + BOOK OF POLITENESS + AND + PROPRIETY OF DEPORTMENT, + DEDICATED TO THE + YOUTH OF BOTH SEXES. + + BY Mme. CELNART. + + + TRANSLATED FROM THE SIXTH PARIS EDITION, + ENLARGED AND IMPROVED. + + + BOSTON. + ALLEN AND TICKNOR, + AND + CARTER, HENDEE & CO + 1833. + + + + +Entered according to Act of Congress, the year 1833, by Allen and +Ticknor, in the Clerk's office of the District Court of the District +of Massachusetts. + + +BOSTON: Kane and Co. 127 Washington Street. + + + + +PREFACE. + + +The present work has had an extensive circulation in France, the country +which we are accustomed to consider as the genial soil of politeness; +and the publishers have thought it would be rendering a useful service +on this side of the Atlantic to issue a translation of it. + +Some foreign visitors in our country, whose own manners have not always +given them a right to be censors of others, have very freely told us +what we ought _not_ to do; and it will be useful to know from +respectable authority, what is done in polished society in Europe, and, +of course, what we _ought to do_, in order to avoid all just censure. +This object, we are confident, will be more effectually accomplished by +the study of the principles and rules contained in the present volume, +than by any other of the kind. + +By persons who are deemed competent judges in such a case, this little +work has been pronounced to be one of the most useful and practical +works extant upon the numerous and delicate topics which are discussed +in it. We are aware, that a man can no more acquire the ease and +elegance of a finished gentleman, by any manual of this kind, than in +the fine arts he could become a skilful painter or sculptor by studying +books alone, without practice. It is, however, equally true, that the +_principles_ of Politeness may be studied, as well as the principles of +the arts. At the same time, intercourse with polite society, in other +words, _practice_, as in the case of the arts, must do the rest. + +The reader will find in this volume some rules founded on customs and +usages peculiar to France and other countries, where the Roman Catholic +religion is established. But it was thought better to retain them in the +work, than to mutilate it, by making such material alterations as would +have been occasioned by expunging every thing of that description. In +our liberal and tolerant country, these peculiarities will give offence +to none; while to many, their novelty, at least, will be interesting. + + The Translator. + +_Boston, May 6, 1833._ + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + PART I. + + Page. + Introduction. + + Of Propriety of Deportment, and its Advantages xiii + + + CHAPTER I. + + Of Propriety of Conduct in Relation to Religious Duties 1 + + Sect. 1. Of respectful Deportment at Church ibid. + 2. Of religious Propriety in our Intercourse with + the World 6 + + + CHAPTER II. + + Of Propriety of Conduct in Relation to Domestic Duties 9 + + + CHAPTER III. + + Of Propriety of Conduct in Conjugal and Domestic Relations 12 + + + CHAPTER IV. + + Of Propriety as regards one's self 19 + + Sect. 1. Of the Toilet ibid. + 2. Of Reputation 27 + + + CHAPTER V. + + Of Propriety in regard to one's Business or Profession 32 + + Sect. 1. Politeness of Shopkeepers and Customers ibid. + 2. Politeness between Persons in Office and the Public 38 + 3. Politeness of Lawyers and their Clients 39 + 4. Politeness of Physicians and their Patients 40 + 5. Politeness of Artists and Authors, and the deference + due to them 42 + 6. Politeness of Military Men 46 + 7. Politeness of Ecclesiastics and Females of Religious + Orders; and the deference due to them 48 + + + PART II. + + OF PROPRIETY OF DEPORTMENT IN REGARD TO OUR SOCIAL RELATIONS. + + + CHAPTER I. + + Of Deportment in the Street 50 + + + CHAPTER II. + + Of different kinds of Visits 59 + + + CHAPTER III. + + Of the Manner of receiving Visitors 75 + + + CHAPTER IV. + + Of the Carriage of the Body 82 + + + CHAPTER V. + + Of Physical Proprieties in Conversation 88 + + Sect. 1. Physical Observances in Conversation ibid. + 2. Of Gestures 90 + 3. Of the Talent of listening to others 92 + 4. Of Pronunciation 97 + 5. Of Correctness in Speaking 100 + + + CHAPTER VI. + + Of the Moral Observances in Conversation 104 + + Sect. 1. Of Formal and Vulgar Usages ibid. + 2. Of Questions and frequently recurring Expressions 110 + 3. Of Narrations, Analysis, and Digressions 111 + 4. Of Suppositions and Comparisons 118 + 5. Of Discussions and Quotations 119 + 6. Of Pleasantry, Proverbs, Puns, and Bon Mots 121 + 7. Of Eulogiums, Complainings, Improprieties in general, + and Prejudices 125 + + + CHAPTER VII. + + Of Epistolary Composition 130 + + Sect. 1. Of Propriety in Letter Writing ibid. + 2. Of the Interior and Exterior Form of Letters 136 + + + CHAPTER VIII. + + Additional Rules in respect to the Social Relations 146 + + Sect. 1. Of an obliging Deportment ibid. + 2. Of Presents 151 + 3. Of Advice 154 + 4. Of Discretion 155 + + + CHAPTER IX. + + Of Travelling 159 + + + PART III. + + OF PROPRIETY IN RELATION TO PLEASURES. + + + CHAPTER I. + + Of Entertainments. 163 + + + CHAPTER II. + + Of Promenades, Parties, and Amusements 171 + + Sect. 1. Of Promenades ibid. + 2. Of Parties and Amusements 175 + 3. Little Sports and Games of Society 180 + + + CHAPTER III. + + Of Balls, Concerts, and Public Shows 182 + + Sect. 1. Of Balls ibid. + 2. Of Concerts 188 + 3. Of Public Shows and Spectacles 189 + + + CHAPTER IV. + + Of the Duties of Hospitality 193 + + + PART IV. + + OF PROPRIETY AS REGARDS OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES. + + + CHAPTER I. + + Of Marriage and Baptism 196 + + Sect. 1. Of Marriage ibid. + 2. Of Baptism 202 + + + CHAPTER II. + + Of Duties toward the Unfortunate 205 + + Sect. 1. Of Duties toward the Sick, Infirm, and Unfortunate ibid. + 2. Of Funerals and Mourning 208 + + + + +PART I. + + + + +INTRODUCTION. + +_Of Propriety of Deportment, and its Advantages._ + + +Propriety of deportment, or _bienséance_, is a happy union of the moral +and the graceful; it should be considered in two points of view, and +ought therefore to direct us in our important duties, as well as our +more trifling enjoyments. When we regard it only under this last aspect, +some contend that mere intercourse with the world gives a habit and +taste for those modest and obliging observances which constitute true +politeness; but this is an error. Propriety of deportment, is the +valuable result of a knowledge of one's-self, and of respect for the +rights of others; it is a feeling of the sacrifices which are imposed on +self-esteem by our social relations; it is, in short, a sacred +requirement of harmony and affection. But the usage of the world is +merely the gloss, or rather the imitation of propriety: since instead of +being like that, based upon sincerity, modesty and courtesy, it +consists, in not being constant in anything, and in amusing itself by +playing off its feelings and ridicule, against the defects and +excellences of others, provided that this is done with grace, and is +never carried so far as to wound the self-esteem of any one. Thanks to +custom, it is sufficient in order to be recognised as amiable, that he +who is the subject of a malicious pleasantry may laugh as well as the +author of it. The usage of the world is therefore often nothing more +than a skilful calculation of vanity, a futile game, a superficial +observance of form, a false politeness which would lead to frivolity or +perfidy, did not true politeness animate it with delicacy, reserve and +benevolence. Would that custom had never been separated from this +virtuous amiableness! We should then never see well-intentioned and good +people suspicious of politeness; and when victims to the deceitful, +justly exclaim with bitterness, _This is your man of politeness_; nor +should we ever have made a distinction between the fixed principles of +virtue, and what is fit and expedient. The love of good, in a word, +virtue, is then the soul of politeness; the feeling of a just harmony +between our interest and our social relations, is also indispensable to +this agreeable quality. Excessive gaiety, extravagant joy, great +depression, anger, love, jealousy, avarice, and generally all the +passions, are too often dangerous shoals to propriety of deportment. +Moderation in everything is so essential, that it is even a violation +of propriety itself to affect too much the observance of it. + +It is to propriety, its justice and attractions, that we owe all the +charm, I might almost say, the being able to live in society. At once +the effect and cause of civilization, it avails itself of the grand +spring of the human mind, self-love, in order to purify and ennoble it; +to substitute for pride and all those egotistical or offensive feelings +which it generates, benevolence, with all the amiable and generous +sentiments, which it inspires. In an assembly of truly polite people, +all evil seems to be unknown; what is just, estimable, and good, or what +we call fit or suitable, is felt on all sides; and actions, manners and +language alike indicate it. Now if we place in this select assembly, a +person who is a stranger to the advantages of a polite education, he +will at once be made sensible of the value of it, and will immediately +desire to display the same urbanity by which he has himself been +pleased. + +If politeness is necessary in general, it is not less so in particular +cases. Neither rank, talents, fortune, nor beauty, can dispense with +this amenity of manners; nor can any thing inspire regard or love, +without that graceful affability, that mild dignity, that elegant +simplicity, which make the name of _Frenchman_ synonymous with +_amiable_, and make Paris dear, to whatever has understanding and +taste. If all the world feels the truth of the verse which is now a +proverb, + + Cette grâce plus belle encors que la beauté,[1] + +every one also is sensible, that grace in conferring a favor, affects us +more than the favor itself, and that a kind smile, and an affectionate +tone, penetrate the heart more deeply than the most brilliant elocution. + +As to the technical part of politeness, or forms alone, the intercourse +of society, and good advice, are undoubtedly useful; but the grand +secret of never failing in propriety of deportment, is to have an +intention of always doing what is right. With such a disposition of +mind, exactness in observing what is proper, appears to all to possess a +charm and influence; and then not only do mistakes become excusable, but +they become even interesting from their thoughtlessness and naïveté. +After the manner of St. Augustine, who used to say, _Love God, and then +do what you wish_, we would say to those, just making their début in +society, Be modest, benevolent, and do not distress yourself on account +of the mistakes of your inexperience; a little attention, and the +advice of a friend, will soon correct these trifling errors. Such a +friend, I wish to be to you. In undertaking to revise, and almost +entirely remodel, the _Manual of Good Society_, I have wished and have +engaged to be useful to you. A more methodical arrangement of the work, +more precise and varied details, in short, important applications to all +conditions and circumstances of life, I venture to believe, will make +this treatise worthy of its design. + + + [1] That grace, which is more beautiful than beauty itself.--_T._ + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +_Of propriety of conduct in relation to religious duties._ + + +We have said, that propriety ought to preside over the sublimest +instructions of morality, as it also regulates the gayest movements of +pleasure. We proceed first, therefore, to consider religious deportment. + + +SECTION I. + +_Of respectful deportment at Church._ + +Religious sentiment is the great, perhaps the only difference which we +find between man and other animals. However it may absorb you by its +depth, exalt you with delight, or withdraw from you in misfortune, this +mysterious and sublime sentiment ought always to command your respect. +Therefore, without objecting to particular differences of worship, never +enter a church without submitting to the requirements of religion.[2] +Observe silence, or at least speak seldom, and in a low voice; uncover +yourself; advance with a slow and grave step; stop, at the same time +making an inclination of your body, if any ceremony engages the +assembly. Whether the church be Jewish, Catholic, or Protestant, +recollect, that in this place men honor the Creator of the Universe; +that here they seek consolation in their troubles, and pardon of their +sins. + +If you visit a church or any similar edifice, from curiosity, endeavor +to do it out of the time of service. Contemplate silently the pictures, +monuments, &c.; beware of imitating those vandals, who deface with their +obscure and ephemeral names those monuments which are destined to endure +for ages. Do not like them forget, that the only thing which you can +expect is a smile of contempt from all enlightened friends of the arts. +Do not wait till the keepers remind you of the remuneration due to their +kindness in conducting you; offering it to them with your thanks on +taking leave; and in order to this, be always provided with small +change. The respect due to the place requires us to abstain from +everything which resembles the cares of business. + +I have thus far spoken only the language of toleration, and of religious +worship in general, but I am now going to use that of faith and +devotion. Let the neatness and modesty of your apparel, and your +discreet and respectful deportment, show that you perceive what is due +to the house of God. Incline your body on entering; take the holy +water;[3] then advance by the shortest way, and without precipitation, +to the place which you are to occupy; if possible, do not change it; +neither put yourself in the passage, nor carry the chairs to a distance; +take two together, to avoid turning your seat as circumstances may +require in the course of the ceremony.[4] + +If the services have commenced, place yourself in the rear, in order not +to disturb those present by your coming. The same motive ought to +prevent your going away before the end, except from pressing necessity. + +If you are accompanied by a lady to whom you owe deference, advance and +present to her the holy water; prepare two chairs for her, and place +yourself near. In leaving church, clear the passage for her; carry her +prayer-book, present her again with the holy water, and hold the door +open to let her pass. Indeed, these two last marks of politeness should +be shown indiscriminately by well-bred people to any who happen to be +near them, in entering or leaving the church. Kind regards towards our +neighbors are a worthy accompaniment of devotion. + +If on a crowded occasion you have two chairs, it is well to offer one of +them to those who have none; a man ought even to give up his own to a +lady who might be standing. Every one knows that it is contrary to the +sanctity of the place, to walk in a church as upon a public promenade; +to convene there as in a private house; to cast on one side and the +other looks of curiosity; to have a mien which displays uneasiness or +weariness; to balance yourself upon the seat, or shake in an annoying +manner that of the person before you; to carry with you dogs, packets, +&c. + +During the sermon, it is necessary to endeavor to make no noise, and to +bow with profound respect every time the preacher pronounces the sacred +name of Jesus Christ.[5] + +Whether you give or withhold an offering to the mendicants of either +sex, they should be answered by a kind salutation. + +It is entirely contrary to religious propriety to press forward, in +going to the altar; you ought to wait in silence your turn, without +trying to supplant those before you; however, should you have any urgent +motives, you can make them known with mildness and politeness. Disputes +which arise with regard to this, are at the same time an absurdity and +impiety. + +When you take a place at the holy table, you should lay aside gloves, +book, cane, &c. It is well for ladies to cover themselves with a veil +half drawn; it is a mark of reverence as well as modesty. + + + [2] The directions which here follow, are obviously intended for + those who profess the Catholic religion; but most of them are + also applicable to other denominations of Christians.--_T._ + + [3] This refers to the usage in Catholic churches, in which the + consecrated or holy water is kept in a vase, appropriated to + the purpose, near the entrance and in other parts of the + church.--_T._ + + [4] These directions are more particularly applicable to Catholic + churches in foreign countries, where it is not the general + custom, as in the United States, to have pews. The whole floor + is an open area, and supplied with chairs; each person, during + service takes two, one of which he sits in, and places the + other before him to kneel upon. This custom of using chairs, + however, is not universal even in Europe; and the author + observes, in a note, that it were to be wished that in all + parts of France they would adopt the custom observed at Havre, + Dieppe, and other cities of Normandy, where, instead of having + chairs, the churches are furnished throughout with fixed seats + or benches, by which means the service is conducted with much + more order and decorum.--_T._ + + [5] This latter direction is more particularly applicable to + Catholic usage.--_T._ + + +SECTION II. + +_Of religious propriety in our intercourse with the world._ + +If it is a fundamental principle of propriety of conduct not to wound +any one in his self-esteem, his tastes, or interests, much more is it +necessary to respect his religious opinions. To make sport of faith, +that powerful, deep and involuntary sentiment, before which the law +yields; to deliver to the pain of doubting, hearts just become pious and +tranquil; to awaken a spirit of fanaticism and religious excesses; to +cause one's self to be considered by some as an imprudent, by others an +unworthy person, and by all as an enemy to politeness and +tolerance,--are the sad results of raillery against religious +observances, raillery, too, almost always dictated by a desire of +showing off one's wit. + +These results take place without any exception; impious sarcasms in +serious people constantly do injury; but they become still more +revolting in the mouths of females, who, like angels, ought ever to show +themselves lovely, pure, and free from passion; whom Bernardin Saint +Pierre designates with much feeling and justice the _pious sex_. + +We ought not however to proscribe entirely delicate and happy allusions, +or comparisons drawn from the sacred books, and made in a proper spirit. +It is useless, I think, to adduce instances; suffice it to add, that +rigor alone can reprove them, and that the occasion sometimes renders +them very seasonable. + +As to religious discussions, they above all demand the most reserve and +care, since without our knowledge conscience frequently becomes in them +auxiliary to pride. If then you are unable to command yourself; if you +do not feel enough of logical power, enough of grace, or at least of +exactness of elocution, to contend with success, avoid controversies; +avoid them through fear of committing, in the eyes of weak people, that +religion which you defend, and of exposing yourself to lasting ridicule. +But, whatever be the skill which you exhibit in eluding the arguments of +your adversary, whatever be your triumph, and although your disposition +should urge you, never turn a serious discussion into jest; from that +moment you would lose all your advantages, and, although overthrown, +your antagonist will recover himself with this just reflection, that +'nothing is proved by a jest.' + +Finally, while you manifest on every occasion a sincere and profound +respect for religion, beware above all things of making a proclamation +of your piety. Avoid talking with those in your parish, about your +confessor, and your religious observances. If you do not distinguish +yourself from the crowd, they will take you for a hypocrite, or a person +of small mind. If you recommend yourself, on the contrary, by superior +merit, they will think that you take pleasure in showing the contrast +which exists between your exalted talents and your humble faith. Between +ourselves, would they be in the wrong? + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +_Of propriety of conduct in relation to domestic duties._ + + +Since we admit that there are duties of propriety relative to piety, +there are also duties relative to filial piety, that other worship, that +familiar veneration of the Deity, whom our parents represent on earth. +The most sublime, the most touching marks of religion and of nature +unite in commanding us to love and honor those from whom we have +received life. We shall not offend our readers by supposing it requisite +to insist upon the necessity of fulfilling a duty which is felt by all +correct minds and all good hearts. + +The custom has prevailed of addressing the father and mother in the +second person.[6] This mark of great confidence, and affectionate +freedom, ought never to degenerate into an offensive familiarity. We +ought always to address them in a respectful and kind tone; to +anticipate them in every thing; to ask their advice; to receive their +reproofs with submission; to be silent with regard to the errors they +may commit; to show them a lively gratitude on every occasion; in short, +whatever advantage you have over them, be careful to conceal it, and +consider them always your superiors, your benefactors and your guides. + +Besides the daily marks of deference which we should show to our +parents, there are other particular attentions for which our affection +should seek every occasion. At certain periods, such as the new year, +the birth day or day of baptism, we should offer them tender +congratulations, or ingeniously devised presents. We are not allowed to +dispense with these delicate attentions. If you have success in the +sciences or arts, make appropriate presents to those from whom you have +derived the benefits of your education. + +If you are separated from your father and mother, write to them +frequently; let your style be impressed with a devoted affection; repeat +more particularly at the end of your letters the sentiments of respect +and of love with which you should be inspired. + +As to what your uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, and cousins require of +you, you will know what are the duties of propriety in that respect, if +you feel how dear family ties are; you will show towards some a +respectful, and towards the others a friendly politeness. They should +claim on every occasion your first visits and your first attentions; you +should identify yourself with them in all their prosperity or adversity; +invite them above all others to fêtes and meetings at your house, unless +when you assemble a party on a special occasion, at which they would be +entire strangers. You should always take care to invite your relations +by themselves from time to time, to prove that you have no intention of +slighting them. You may be more intimate with some of your family, and +give them particular proofs of affection; but in these meetings you will +do well to abstain from every act of preference. + +Without being at all wanting in cordiality, a little more ceremony +should be used towards your relations by marriage, to whom you indeed +owe as much respect as to your own relations. + + + [6] This is an allusion to the idiom of the French language, and is + inapplicable in English.--_T._ + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +_Of propriety of conduct in conjugal and domestic relations._ + + +If any thing can render politeness ridiculous, and even odious, it is +the disposition of certain persons, who in society are moderate, +amiable, and gracious, but in private show themselves morose, rough and +ill-natured. This fault, much too common, is one of the greatest +inconsistencies of the human mind. You use all your exertions to please +the world which you only see cursorily, and in which you have only power +to procure a few moments of pleasure, and you neglect to be agreeable to +your husband or wife, from whom you expect the happiness of a whole +life. Perhaps it would be better to be continually capricious or harsh, +for the contrast of your politeness in the drawing-room with your +impoliteness at home makes you appear still more odious. Conjugal +intimacy, it is true, dispenses with the etiquette established by +politeness, but it does not dispense with attentions. In the presence of +your wife or husband, you ought never to do those things which carry +with them an idea of disgust, nor perform those duties of the toilet, +which before any one but yourself offend decency and cleanliness.[7] +One ought never to permit disorder in his wardrobe under the excuse that +he is just up, or at his own house. To dress with neatness, and elegant +simplicity is important, even at home. + +The conversation of husband and wife cannot be elegant, and sustained in +the same manner that it is in society; it would indeed be superlatively +ridiculous that it should not have interruption or relaxation, but it +should be free from all impoliteness and indelicacy. If at any time the +society of your husband or wife causes you _ennui_, you ought neither to +say so, nor give any suspicion of the cause by abruptly changing the +conversation. In all discussions you should watch yourself attentively, +lest domestic familiarity raise itself by degrees to the pitch of a +quarrel. It is especially to females that this advice is addressed, and +to the impressive words of Scripture, 'woman was not created for wrath,' +we may add these, 'she was created for gentleness.' + +To entertain with a politeness particularly affectionate the friends of +a person with whom you are connected by marriage; to respect inviolably +the letters which she writes or receives; to avoid prying into the +secrets which she conceals from you through delicacy; never to act +contrary to her inclinations, unless they are injurious to herself, and +even in this case not to oppose her, but to endeavor to check them with +address and kindness; to beware of confiding to strangers or to +domestics the little vexations which she causes you; to dread like +poison marks of contempt, coldness, suspicion, or reproaches; to +apologize promptly and in an affectionate manner if you have allowed +yourself to run into any ill humor; to receive her counsels with +attention, and benevolence, and to execute them as quickly as +possible--these are the obligations of propriety and love, to which +husbands possessed of gentleness bind themselves, by the sanctity of the +vows which they have taken before God. There is a still more rigorous +duty for a new husband, and for well married persons; they must abstain +in public from every mark of affection too conspicuous, and every +exclusive attention. Married persons who, in society, place themselves +continually near one another, and who converse and dance together, do +not escape the ridicule to which their feelings blind them. In society, +we ought above every thing to avoid being personal; for a husband or a +wife, is another self; and we must forget that _self_. + +Mothers, in particular, spare no caresses towards your children, occupy +yourselves entirely with them, unless perhaps you fear to render them +proud, difficult and insupportable; if you fatigue people by having them +always present, if you encourage or repeat their prattle and their +sports; if, on the other hand, you treat them with severity before +strangers, if you reprimand or punish them, be assured every one will +consider you importunate as well as ridiculous. + +Domestic propriety, which is at once a duty of justice, religion and +humanity, is also a source of peace and pleasure. Servants treated with +suitable regard, are attentive, zealous and grateful, and consequently +every thing is done with propriety and affection. Who does not know the +charm and value of this? + +Duties of this class require that you should never command your +domestics with hauteur and harshness. Every time that they render you a +service, it claims an expression, a gesture, or at least a look of +thankfulness; it requires that you should be still more affectionate +towards the domestics of your acquaintances, and especially towards +those of your friends, whom you ought always to treat kindly. As to your +own domestics, you should carefully beware of addressing to them any +confidential or even useless conversation, for fear of rendering them +insolent or familiar; but propriety requires you to listen to them with +kindness, and give them salutary advice when it is for their interest. +It commands us also to show them indulgence frequently, in order to be +able, when there is cause, to reprove them with firmness, without being +obliged to have recourse to the false energy of anger. + +The _ton_ of domestics ordinarily announces that of their masters. Never +suffer them to remain seated while answering distinguished persons who +ask for you. Take care that they do it always in a civil and polite +manner; let them lose no time, if there is occasion, in relieving your +visitors of their over-shoes, umbrellas, cloaks, &c.; let them go +before, to save your visitors the trouble of opening and shutting the +door. When an announcement is made, let them inform themselves +respectfully of the name of the person, and pronounce it while holding +open for them the door of your room. If you are not there, let them +offer a seat, requesting the guests to wait a moment while they go to +call you. + +When visitors take leave, domestics ought to manifest a promptness in +opening the outer door; they should hold the door by the handle, while +you converse with the person whom you reconduct; they should present +them respectfully with whatever garments they may have thrown off, and +aid them in again putting them on; and should, if occasion requires, +light them to the door, going slowly behind them. + +Accustom your domestics never to appear before you too poorly, or too +much dressed; never to sit in your presence, especially while waiting +upon the table; not to enter into conversation; never to answer by +signs, or in coarse terms. + +It is only among the badly educated people of the small towns that they +say, the 'maid,' the 'boy,' the 'domestic,' the 'servant;' and among the +proud, ill-bred fashionables, who ape grandeur; the 'lackey,' the +'valet,' 'my people;' well-bred persons simply say, the 'nurse,' the +'cook,' the 'chamber-maid,' &c. and what is still better, they designate +their domestics by their christian names. + +If you have ever met with those merciless housekeepers who give you a +whole tariff of the commodities which they have been to market to +purchase, attended by their maid; who entertain you constantly with the +insults and unfaithfulness of their domestics; who fly into a passion +before you on account of a glass broken, of which they require the +value, and make you witness and judge of pert discussions occasioned by +servants' mistakes; if you have had the misfortune to dine with such +persons, and have seen them hand reluctantly to their sullen +maid-servants one key after another, to arrange the dessert brought by +them with a good supply of ill-humor; if you have seen them go to the +cellar themselves, and when they have just left the table, to arrange in +a surly manner the wine, sugar, and delicacies, tell me, poor guest, if, +turning your head away with confusion and disgust, you have not an +hundred times said to yourself, 'Oh! what living and disgusting models +of upstarts or provincials.' + + + [7] As washing the feet, cutting the nails, &c. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +_Of propriety as regards one's self._ + + +Attention to one's person and reputation is also a duty. If vanity, +pride, or prudery, have frequently given to these attentions the names +of coquetry, ambition, or folly, this is a still stronger reason, why we +should endeavor to clear up these points. + + +SECTION I. + +_Of the toilet._ + +Propriety requires that we should always be clothed in a cleanly and +becoming manner, even in private, in leaving our bed, or in the presence +of no one. It requires that our clothing be in keeping with our sex, +fortune, profession, age, and form, as well as with the season, the +different hours of the day and our different occupations. + +Let us now descend to the particulars of these general rules. + +The dress for a man on his first rising, is a cap of cotton, or silk and +cotton, a morning gown, or a vest with sleeves; for a lady, a small +muslin cap, (bonnet de percale,) a camisole or common robe. It is well +that a half corset should precede the full corset, which last is used +only when one is dressed; for it is bad taste for a lady not to be laced +at all. The hair papers, which cannot be removed on rising (because the +hair would not keep in curl till evening,) should be concealed under a +bandeau of lace or of the hair. They should be removed as soon as may +be. In this dress, we can receive only intimate friends or persons, who +call upon urgent or indispensable business; even then we ought to offer +some apology for it. To neglect to take off this morning dress as soon +as possible, is to expose one's self to embarrassments often very +painful, and to the appearance of a want of education. Moreover, it is +well to impose upon yourself a rule to be dressed at some particular +hour (the earliest possible,) since occupations will present themselves +to hinder your being ready for the day; and you will easily acquire the +habit of this. Such disorder of the toilet can be excused when it occurs +rarely, or for a short time, as in such cases it seems evidently owing +to a temporary embarrassment; but if it occur daily, or constantly; if +it seems the result of negligence and slovenliness, it is unpardonable, +particularly in ladies, whose dress seems less designed for clothing +than ornament. + +To suppose that great heat of weather will authorise this disorder of +the toilet, and will permit us to go in slippers, or with our legs and +arms bare, or to take nonchalant or improper attitudes, is an error of +persons of a low class, or destitute of education. Even the weather of +dog-days would not excuse this; and if we would remain thus dressed, we +must give directions that we are not at home. On the other hand, to +think that cold and rainy weather excuses like liberties, is equally an +error. You ought not to be in the habit of wearing large socks (this is +addressed particularly to ladies,) as socks of list and similar +materials; much less noisy shoes, such as wooden ones, galoches lined +with fur, shoes with wooden soles, socks, &c.; this custom is in the +worst taste. When you go to see any one, you cannot dispense with taking +off your socks or clogs before you are introduced into the room. For to +make a noise in walking is entirely at variance with good manners. + +However pressed one may be, a lady of good breeding should not go out in +a morning dress, neither with an apron nor cap, even if it is made of +fine cloth and trimmed with ribbands; nor should a well-bred man show +himself in the street in a waistcoat only, a jacket without sleeves, &c. +We said before that the dress should be adapted to the different hours +of the day. Ladies should make morning calls in an elegant and simple +négligé, all the details of which we cannot give, on account of their +multiplicity and the numerous modification of fashion. We shall only say +that ladies generally should make these calls in the dress which they +wear at home. Gentlemen may call in an outside coat, in boots and +pantaloons, as when they are on their ordinary business. In short, this +dress is proper for gentlemen's visits in the middle of the day. With +regard to ladies, it is necessary for them when visiting at this time, +to arrange their toilet with more care. Ceremonious visits, evening +visits, and especially balls, require more attention to the dress of +gentlemen, and a more brilliant costume for ladies. There are for the +latter, head-dresses particularly designed for such occasions, and for +no other, such as rich blond caps, ornamented with flowers, brilliant +_berrets_ and _toques_, appropriate to the drawing-room. + +The nicest cloth, new and very fine linen, an elegant but plain +waistcoat; a beautiful watch, to which is attached a single costly key, +thin and well polished shoes, an entirely new hat, of a superior +quality--this is a dress at once recherché and rigorously exact, for +gentlemen of good taste and _ton_. One's profession requires very little +modification of this costume; we should observe, however, that men of +science (savans) and literary men and those in the profession of the +law, should avoid having a fashionable or military costume, which is +generally adopted by students, commercial men, and _exquisites_, for the +sake of _ton_ or for want of something to do. + +Situation in the world determines among ladies, those differences, which +though otherwise well marked, are becoming less so every day. Every one +knows that whatever be the fortune of a young lady, her dress ought +always, in form as well as ornaments, to exhibit less of a recherché +appearance and should be less showy than that of married ladies. Costly +cashmeres, very rich furs, and diamonds, as well as many other brilliant +ornaments, are to be forbidden a young lady; and those who act in +defiance of these rational marks of propriety make us believe that they +are possessed of an unrestrained love of luxury, and deprive themselves +of the pleasure of receiving these ornaments from the hand of the man of +their choice. + +All ladies cannot use indiscriminately the privilege which marriage +confers upon them in this respect, and the toilet of those whose fortune +is moderate should not pass the bounds of an elegant simplicity. +Considerations of a more elevated nature, as of good domestic order, the +dignity of a wife, and the duties of a mother, come in support of this +law of propriety, for it concerns morality in all its branches. + +We must beware of a shoal in this case; frequently a young lady of small +fortune, desiring to appear decently in any splendid assembly, makes +sacrifices in order to embellish her modest attire. But these sacrifices +are necessarily inadequate; a new and brilliant article of dress is +placed by the side of a mean or old one. The toilet then wants harmony, +which is the soul of elegance as well as of beauty. Moreover, whatever +be the opulence which you enjoy, luxury encroaches so much upon it, that +no riches are able to satisfy its demands; but fortunately propriety, +always in accordance with reason, encourages by this maxim social and +sensible women. Neither too high, nor too low; it is equally ridiculous +either to pretend to be the most showy, or to display the meanest attire +in an assembly. + +The rules suitable to age resemble those which mediocrity of fortune +imposes; for instance, old ladies ought to abstain from gaudy colors, +recherché designs, too late fashions, and graceful ornaments, as +feathers, flowers, and jewels. A lady in her decline dressed in her +hair, and wearing a dress with short sleeves, adorned with collars, +bracelets, &c. offends against propriety as much as against her interest +and dignity. + +The rigorous simplicity of the dress of men establishes but very little +difference between that of young and old. The latter, however, ought to +choose grave colors, not to follow the fashions too closely; to avoid +garments too tight or too short, and not to have in view in their toilet +any other object but ease and neatness. Unless the care of their health, +or complete baldness, requires them to wear a wig,[8] it is more proper +that old persons should show their white and noble heads. Old ladies, +whom custom requires to conceal this respectable sign of a long life, +should at least avoid hair too thick or too full of curls. + +If they would not appear ridiculous and clothed in a manner disagreeable +or offensive, ladies ought to adopt in summer light garments, and +delicate colors, and in winter, furs, thick and warm fabrics, and deep +colors. Men till lately were almost free from this obligation; they used +to be constantly clothed in broadcloth in all seasons: but now, although +this may form the basis of their toilet, they must select stuffs for +winter or summer, as may be suitable. It is in good ton for gentlemen to +wear a rich cloak; an outer garment over the coat (especially one of +silk,) is left for men of a certain age. It only belongs to +septuagenarians and ecclesiastics to wear doublets or wadded outer +coats. + +To finish our instructions relative to the toilet, it only remains for +us to make a few observations. + +It is superlatively ridiculous for a lady to go on foot, when dressed in +her hair, or attired for the drawing-room or a ball. If one dwells in a +provincial town where it is not customary to use carriages, they should +go in a chair. Who does not perceive how laughable it is to see a lady +who is clothed in satin lace, or velvet, laboriously travelling in the +dust or mud. + +Vary your toilet as much as possible, for fear that idlers and malignant +wits, who are always a majority in the world, should amuse themselves by +making your dress the description of your person. + +Certain fashionables seek to gain a kind of reputation by the odd choice +of their attire, and by their eagerness to seize upon the first caprices +of the fashions. Propriety with difficulty tolerates these fancies of a +spoiled child: but it applauds a woman of sense and taste, who is not in +a hurry to follow the fashions and asks how long they will probably last +before adopting them; finally, who selects and modifies them with +success according to her size and figure. + +It would be extremely clownish to carry dirt into a decent house, +especially if one makes a ceremonious visit; and, when there is much +mud, or when we cannot walk with skill, it is proper to go in a +carriage, or at least to put in requisition the services of a shoe-black +at a short distance from the house. + + + [8] Young people who become bald, should not hesitate to have recourse + to wigs. Nothing more saddens the appearance, than those bald + skulls, which seem always to invite the observations of the + anatomist. + + +SECTION II. + +_Of Reputation._ + +Among the cares which propriety obliges us to take of our person, to +please is but an accessary circumstance; the principal end is to +indicate by cleanliness, and the suitableness of apparel, that good +order, a sense of what is right, and politeness in all things, direct +our thoughts and actions. In this point of view, we see that a regard to +reputation is the necessary consequence of the duties of propriety +toward one's self. + +To inspire esteem and consideration, is then the grand object of +propriety of conduct; for without this treasure, the relations of +society would be a humiliation and punishment. They are obtained by the +accomplishment of our obligations of family and of our profession; by +our probity and good manners; by our fortune and situation in society. + +Consideration is not acquired by words; an article so precious demands a +real value; it demands also the assistance of discretion. So that we +must begin by fulfilling exactly our duties towards relations; but we +must beware of making public those petty quarrels, and little +differences of interest, of ill humor or opinion, which sometimes +trouble families most closely united. These momentary clouds, soon +dissipated by affection and confidence, would be engraven on the memory +of others as a proof of your domestic discords, and in the end, of your +faults.[9] + +Probity, that powerful means of obtaining consideration, by its elevated +and religious nature, is not within our investigation of the principles +of politeness. + +This is not the case with that consideration which is attached to purity +of morals. The proof of probity is in probity itself; but, thanks to the +delicate shades of reputation, in regard to chastity, there exists, +independently of good conduct, a multitude of cares, and precautions, +which, however minute and embarrassing at times, ought never to be +neglected. Ladies, to whom the advice contained in this paragraph is +particularly addressed, know how the shadow of suspicion withers and +torments them. This shadow, it is necessary to avoid at all hazards, and +on that account to submit to all the requirements of propriety. + +Young married ladies are at liberty to visit by themselves their +acquaintances, but they cannot present themselves in public without +their husband, or an aged lady. They are at liberty however to walk with +young married ladies or unmarried ones, while the latter should never +walk alone with their companions. Neither should they show themselves +except with a gentleman of their family, and then he should be a near +relation or of respectable age. + +Except in certain provincial towns, where there is a great strictness in +behavior, young married ladies receive the visits of gentlemen; they +permit their company in promenades, without suffering the least injury +to their reputation, provided it is always with men of good morals, and +that they take care to avoid every appearance of coquetry. Young widows +have equal liberty with married ladies. + +A lady ought not to present herself alone in a library, or a museum, +unless she goes there to study or work as an artist. + +A lady ought to have a modest and measured gait; too great hurry injures +the grace which ought to characterize her. She should not turn her head +on one side and the other, especially in large towns, where this bad +habit seems to be an invitation to the impertinent. If such persons +address her in any flattering or insignificant terms, she should take +good care not to answer them a word. If they persist, she should tell +them in a brief and firm, though polite tone, that she desires to be +left to herself. If a man follow her in silence, she should pretend not +to perceive him, and at the same time hasten a little her step. + +Towards the close of the day, a young lady would conduct herself in an +unbecoming manner, if she should go alone; and if she passes the evening +with any one, she ought to see that a domestic comes to accompany her, +if not, to request the person whom she is visiting, to allow some one to +do so. But however much this may be considered proper, and consequently +an obligation, a married lady well educated will disregard it if +circumstances prevent her being able, without trouble, to find a +conductor. + +If the master of the house wishes to accompany you himself, you must +excuse yourself politely from giving him so much trouble, but finish +however by accepting. On arriving at your house, you should offer him +your thanks. In order to avoid these two inconveniences, it will be well +to request your husband, or some one of your relations to come and wait +upon you; you will in this way avoid still another inconvenience; in +small towns, where malice is excited by ignorance and want of something +to do, they frequently censure the most innocent acts; it is not +uncommon to hear slanderous and silly gossips observe, that madame +such-a-one goes to madame such-a-one's for the sake of returning with +her husband. The seeds of such an imputation, once sown, quickly come to +maturity. + +The care of the reputation of ladies further demands that they should +have a modest deportment; should abstain from forward manners, and free +speeches. + + + [9] As to the means of obtaining consideration, in performing the + duties appertaining to our station in life, see the following + chapters. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +_Of propriety, in regard to one's business or profession._ + + +Besides general politeness, that ready money which is current with all, +there is a polite deportment suited to every profession. Interest, +custom, and the desire of particular esteem, the necessity of moderating +the enthusiasm which almost constantly animates us,--are the motives +which determine the different kinds of politeness that we are going to +consider as regards shopkeepers, people in office, lawyers, physicians, +artists, military men, and ecclesiastics. As all this politeness is +mutual, we shall necessarily speak of the obligations imposed upon +people who have intercourse with these different persons. + + +SECTION I. + +_Politeness of Shopkeepers and Customers._ + +Politeness in shopkeepers is a road to fortune, which the greater part +of them are careful not to neglect, especially at Paris, where we find +particularly the model of a well-bred shopkeeper. It is this model that +we wish to hold up even to some Parisians, and to the retail dealers of +the provincial towns, as well as to those who are unacquainted with +trade, but are destined to that profession. + +When a customer calls, the shopkeeper should salute him politely, +without inquiring after his health, unless he be intimately acquainted +with him. He then waits until the customer has made known his wishes, +advances toward him, or brings forward a seat, then shows him, with +great civility, the articles for which he has inquired. If the purchaser +be difficult to suit, capricious, ridiculous, or even disdainful, the +shopkeeper ought not to appear to perceive it; he may however in such +cases, show a little coldness of manner. + +The part which shopkeepers have to act is frequently painful, we must +allow; there are some people who treat them like servants; there are +some _capricious fashionables_, who go into a shop only to pass the +time, to see the new fashions, and who, with this object make the +shopkeeper open a hundred bundles, show heaps of goods, and finish by +going out, saying in a disdainful tone that nothing suits them. There +are some merciless purchasers who contend for a few cents with all the +tenacity of avarice, obstinacy and pride; however, under all these +vexations, the shopkeeper must show constant urbanity. He waits upon +such imperious purchasers with readiness, but nevertheless in silence, +for he must be convinced that the more complying we are to people of +this sort, the more haughty and difficult they show themselves. + +With _capricious fashionables_, his patience should never forsake him; +and although he well knows what will be the result of their fatiguing +call, he nevertheless should show them his goods, as if he thought they +really intended to buy; for sometimes this tempts them to purchase. Even +though his politeness should be all lost, he should still express his +regret at not having been able to suit the lady, and hope to be more +fortunate another time; he should then conduct her politely to the door, +which he should hold open until her carriage leaves it. + +A shopkeeper who wishes to save time, words and vexation, who even feels +the dignity of his profession, ought to sell at a fixed price, or if he +does not announce that he sells in that mode, he ought at least to adopt +it, and not to have what is called an _asking_ price. If however he has +to do with those gossips who think themselves cheated unless something +is abated, or who design to impose sacrifices on the shopkeepers, it is +necessary to carry on this ridiculous skirmishing politely, and to yield +by degrees, without exhibiting any marks of displeasure at these +endless debates. But the dealer of _bon ton_ abstains from those lofty +assurances, those laughable adjurations, declarations of loss, and of +preference, as, _I lose all profit, it is because it is you_, and other +foolish things, which make a lackey's office of a truly respectable +profession. + +The clerks should carry the articles purchased to the desk, whither they +should politely conduct the purchaser; they then should make up the +bundle which they should not deliver until the bill is settled, and the +purchaser is ready to depart. If the latter is not on foot, the bundle +should not be delivered until he is seated in the carriage, and the door +is ready to be shut. If, on the contrary, the purchaser is not in a +carriage, he must be asked whether he wishes to have the bundle carried +home. This politeness is indispensable if the bundle is large, and +especially if the purchaser is a lady. + +It is further necessary that the person at the desk should offer small +change for the balance of the purchase, and should apologise if he is +obliged to give copper or heavy money; he ought to present a bill of the +articles, and not show any ill-humor if the purchaser thinks proper to +look over it. + +There is one circumstance which tries the politeness of the most civil +shopkeepers; it is when an assortment is wanted. It is indeed irksome +enough to show a great quantity of goods, and give patterns of them, +with the certainty almost that all you do will avail nothing. But it +ought not to be forgotten, that like all other qualities, politeness has +its trials, and that perhaps the person who has thus chanced to call at +their shop, will be induced by this amenity of behavior, to continue +always a customer. + +We trust that the shopkeepers' clerks, in the recommendations which we +are now about to give them, will not see any silly attempt to address +them with smart sayings. + +By enjoining upon them to avoid volubility--a disrespectful familiarity +toward ladies--extravagant praises of their goods--an affected zeal in +serving rich persons--an impolite tardiness, and disdainful inattention +to people of a diffident manner--the ridiculous habit of wishing to make +conversation--to urge people to buy whether they wish to or not--to stun +them with the names of all the goods in the shop--by enjoining upon them +to avoid these things, we intend less to join in than to preserve them +from the reproaches of fault finders. + +Every civility ought to be reciprocal, or nearly so. If the officious +politeness of the shopkeeper does not require an equal return, he has at +least a claim to civil treatment; and, finally, if this politeness +proceed from interest, is this a reason why purchasers should add to +the unpleasantness of his profession, and trouble themselves little at +violating the laws of politeness? Many very respectable people allow +themselves so many infractions on this point, that I think it my duty to +dwell upon it. + +You should never say, _I want such a thing_, but, _have the goodness to +show me_, or _show me, if you please, that article_, or use some other +polite form of address. If they do not show you at first the articles +you desire, and you are obliged to examine a great number, apologize to +the shopkeeper for the trouble you give him. If, after all you cannot +suit yourself, renew your apologies, when you go away. + +If you make small purchases, say, _I ask your pardon_, or _I am sorry +for having troubled you for so trifling a thing_. If you spend a +considerable time in the selection of articles, apologize to the +shopkeeper who waits for you to decide. + +If the price seems to you too high, and that the shop has not fixed +prices, ask an abatement in brief and civil terms, and without ever +appearing to suspect the good faith of the shopkeeper. If he does not +yield, do not enter into a contest with him, but go away, after telling +him politely that you think you can obtain the article cheaper +elsewhere, but if not, that you will give him the preference. If the +clerk ends by asking whether you wish for any other article, answer +always in a manner to encourage him that you will call again. We should +never neglect to be agreeable. Thank him always when you go out. + + +SECTION II. + +_Politeness between Persons in Office and the Public._ + +This is not very conspicuous; nor can it be, since in this case, the +desire of pleasing and the expectation of gain, have no influence. +Besides, as we remain but a moment with these gentlemen, and as they +have business with a great many people, the observances and forms of +politeness would be misplaced. The following are points to be observed +by them, and are by no means rigid; the greater therefore the reason for +conforming to them. + +A man in office is not obliged to rise and salute people, nor to offer +them a seat; it is enough for him to receive them by an inclination of +the head, and make a sign with the hand, to intimate to them to be +seated. The business being finished, he salutes them on leaving, as +before, and never conducts them back to the door. It would be ridiculous +to be offended with these _bureaucratic_ forms, and still more so, to +wish to enter into conversation, to make inquiries concerning the +health, &c. In proportion to their official habits, those in office +ought to watch themselves with care in society. + + +SECTION III. + +_Politeness of Lawyers and their Clients._ + +Politeness is a very difficult thing for this respectable class, who see +constantly before their eyes people always animated with a feeling which +renders them little amiable, namely, interest. Besides, being in the +habit of refuting their adversaries, and being obliged to do it +promptly, they acquire, in general, a kind of bluntness, a decisive +tone, a spirit of contradiction, of which they ought to be distrustful +in society, and also in their places of business. The familiar usage of +common inquiries after the health is not customary between attorneys or +advocates and their clients, unless they have before been acquainted +with them. They are however bound to observe attentions which are not +practised by persons in office. They rise to salute their clients, offer +them a seat, and conduct them to the door when they take leave; they +observe what is due to sex, rank, and age. + +As to clients, they ought to conform to the ordinary rules of civility; +they ought, moreover, not to exhibit any signs of impatience while they +are waiting until they can be received. They should take care to be +clear and precise in the narration of their business, and not to +importune by vain repetitions or passionate declamations, the counsellor +who is listening to them. They should also consider that his moments are +precious, and should retire so soon as they shall have sufficiently +instructed him in their business. + + +SECTION IV. + +_Politeness of Physicians and their Patients._ + +The observances adopted in the offices of lawyers, are likewise +practised with consulting physicians; but sympathy should give to the +tone or manner of the latter a more affectionate character. Patients +well educated will beware of abusing it, and will keep to themselves all +complaints which are useless towards a knowledge of their malady. They +will answer the questions of the doctor in a clear, brief, and polite +manner; and when these questions do not embrace the observations which +they may have made on their own disorder, they will say so, at the same +time observing some excuse like the following; _I ask your pardon; this +observation is perhaps idle, but being myself ignorant, and wishing to +omit nothing, I submit it to your good judgment._ + +You ought to give frequent and heartfelt thanks to the physician who +affords you his advice or attentions. The circumstance of his being +unsuccessful does not exonerate you from these testimonies of gratitude; +it renders them perhaps more obligatory, for delicacy requires that you +should not appear tacitly to reproach him on account of his having been +unfortunate in his efforts. + +Being obliged to speak of different wants, and of different parts of the +body, for which politeness has no appropriate language, the physician +ought to avoid being obscure or gross, particularly when addressing +ladies. A forgetfulness of these forms often renders insupportable even +a meritorious and learned man. + +Every one knows, with what delicate precautions a physician ought to +speak before the patient and his family, of the nature of the illness +and of the probable consequences when there exists any danger; in what +guarded terms he should at last disclose to them a fatal termination, if +unfortunately it has become inevitable. Every body knows, also, that +however poignant may be the grief of parents, they ought never to let it +appear in their conversations with the physician, that they regard him +as the cause of their affliction. + + +SECTION V. + +_Politeness of Artists and Authors, and the Deference due to them._ + +Do artists come under the common rule, it will perhaps be said? and I +shall ask, in my turn: Do they live like others,--these men, always +absorbed in one strong and single conception, with which they, like the +Creator, wish to animate matter?--who seek everywhere the secret of the +beautiful which goads, infatuates, and evades them?--passionate, +absorbed in thought, ingenuous, almost always strangers to calculation, +to pleasure, and to the occupations of the world? No, they have a +separate existence, one which the world does not comprehend, and which +they ought to conceal from the world. + +If, as we shall see hereafter, one should avoid speaking of his +profession, and of his personal affairs, for a still stronger reason, an +artist ought to be silent about his own labors, his success, and his +hopes. People will accuse him of arrogance, of vanity, and perhaps even +of madness; for enthusiasm is not included in, nor admitted into +society, because there the ridiculous is feared above everything, _and +from the sublime to the ridiculous there is but one step_. Let him, +then, reserve only for his friends, for true friends of the arts, his +noble and striking bursts of inspiration. + +People are also generally prone to suspect artists of jealousy. In order +to escape this accusation, and at the same time preserve the right of +telling their thoughts, they ought to commend warmly what appears to +them good, and criticise with much moderation and without any raillery +what is defective. + +These observations are addressed equally to authors, with this important +addition. Besides the charge of arrogance, people are much disposed to +accuse them of pedantry. Let them therefore be careful, and check +constantly the desire of entering into conversation upon the interesting +subjects with which they are continually occupied. Let them always be in +fear of obtaining the name of a _bel esprit_, a name which calls up so +many recollections of pedantry and affectation. + +A graceful simplicity, a happy mixture of elevation and naïveté, should +characterise authors and artists, but particularly female authors and +artists. Ladies who handle the pen, the lyre, or the pencil, ought to be +well persuaded that any vestige of prejudice raises against them, +especially in provincial places, a multitude of unfavorable +observations. And besides, so many half-instructed women have had so +much the air and manners of upstarts, that this opinion is almost +excusable. Now this prejudice lays it down as a rule, that every female +author or artist may be known at first sight, by her oddities, her want +of modesty, or her pedantic folly. Do away this unjust prejudice, my +female friends: it will be both easy and pleasant; you will have only to +follow the influence of an elevated soul, a pure taste; you will have +but to remind yourselves that simplicity is the coquetry of genius. + +But if people who cultivate literature and the arts ought to apply +themselves without reluctance or ill-humor to all the requirements of +society; if they ought to strip themselves of all pretension, and forget +themselves, others should not forget them. Politeness requires that we +converse with an author concerning his works; that we congratulate him +on his success; that we bestow upon him suitable and delicate praises. +If any of his works are unknown to us, we should ask of him the loan of +it with earnestness; we should read it with promptitude, and prove to +him by our citations that we have a thorough acquaintance with it. If he +makes us a present of any of his productions, we shall owe him a call, +or at least a billet of thanks. Handsome compliments, and lively +testimonials of acknowledgment, ought to fill up this visit or billet. +Remember, also, that to please an artist, it is necessary to flatter at +once his taste, his self-esteem, and his cultivation of the fine arts. +Speak to him therefore like a connoisseur, or at least an admirer of +music, or of painting. Ask the favor of seeing his pictures, or of +hearing his symphonies. Contemplate the former a long time; listen to +the latter with great attention; address to him lively congratulations +mingled with thanks; then, by an adroit transition, put to him questions +which prove your desire to be initiated into a knowledge of the arts. + +When an artist or a writer obtains any honorable distinction, as a +prize, a medal, dramatic success, or an academical title, his friends +and acquaintances should lose no time in offering him their compliments. +Those at a distance, may perform _this duty_ of politeness by writing. + +Not only authors by profession, but literary persons who publish a +discourse, a little work, or a pamphlet, should send, in an envelope, +a copy to their family, friends, professional brethren, authors +who have addressed to them similar presents, to their intimate +acquaintances, their superiors, and to those persons to whom they owe +respect--according to the nature of the work, and to the people with +whom they have relations of pleasure, or of business. It is an +affectionate and very polite custom for the author to write with his +own hand at the top of the first leaf or of the cover, some kind or +respectful words, according to the person to whom it is addressed. These +words, which are designed to make of the gift a remembrance or homage, +are always written under the name of the person, and signed by the +author. We will here speak of a dedication only to observe, that we +cannot dedicate a work to any one, without having previously obtained +his consent, either verbally or by writing. When it is to the king, +queen, or princes, it is necessary to write to their secretary, to know +their wish in this respect. As to any other person of dignity, we may +write to him without any intermediate agency. If the members of the +royal family have accepted the dedication, the author is generally +allowed the honor of presenting his work to them. + + +SECTION VI. + +_Politeness of Military Men._ + +Military politeness has, as we know, some particular characteristics. +Officers and soldiers do not uncover themselves on entering a church, if +they are under arms; only, during the elevation of the host,[10] they +raise the right hand to the front part of their helmet, cap, or +shako.[11] When soldiers converse with their superiors, they constantly +hold the edge of the hand to their forehead. On entering a drawing room, +an officer lays down his sabre or his sword. It is not in good _ton_ for +a man to present himself before ladies, in the uniform of the national +guard, unless some circumstance excuses or authorises this liberty. + +In a citizen's dress, officers may wear a black cravat. + +If we are acquainted with military men, in addressing them, we call them +only _general_, or _captain_; but it would be uncivil to give them the +title of an inferior grade thus we should not say _lieutenant_. + + + [10] This has reference, of course, to Catholic countries only. + + [11] A kind of military cap. + + +SECTION VII. + +_Politeness of Ecclesiastics and Females of Religious Orders; and the +Deference due to them.[12]_ + +A priest should be considered in two points of view; when he is +exercising his holy office, and when he is taking part in the relations +of society. In the first case, he is an object of special respect; and +even the title to be given him, the words to be addressed to him, the +attitude to be taken in speaking to him, are regulated by the liturgy. +But, although the ecclesiastic be not now in society an object of +religious veneration, he has, as the representative of God, or as a +minister of the altar, a right to much respect and deference. Too light +conversation, dancing and love songs, would be out of place in his +presence. + +Ecclesiastics have two shoals to avoid. Their custom of preaching a +severe and sacred morality, and of catechising or censuring with +authority the penitent, gives them sometime a dogmatical and rigid +tone, a pedantry of morality altogether contrary to social affability. +Sometimes, also, to guard against this result, which they feel to be +almost inevitable, ecclesiastics, especially the more aged, indulge +themselves in unsuitable pleasantries, which they would not dare to +allow in men of the world. A mild gravity, a moderate gaiety, a noble +and affectionate urbanity--these are the characteristics which ought to +distinguish the ecclesiastic, in society. + + + [12] These remarks have particular reference to Catholic countries + and forms, but may many of them be applied to other denominations. + + + + +PART II. + +OF PROPRIETY OF DEPORTMENT IN REGARD TO OUR SOCIAL RELATIONS. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +_Of Deportment in the Street._ + + +Some readers will perhaps be surprised to see me commence a chapter with +the duty we owe to persons passing the street; but if they reflect upon +it, they will see that there are, even on this subject, a sufficient +number of things proper to be mentioned. + +When you are passing in the street, and see coming towards you a person +of your acquaintance, whether a lady, a man raised to dignity, or an +elderly person, you should offer them the _wall_, that is to say, the +side next the houses. + +If a carriage happen to stop in such a manner as to leave only a narrow +passage between it and the houses, beware of elbowing and rudely +crowding the passengers, with a view to getting by more expeditiously: +wait your turn, and if any one of the persons before mentioned comes up, +you should edge up to the wall, in order to give them the place. They +also, as they pass, ought to bow politely to you. + +If stormy weather has made it necessary to lay a plank across the +gutters, which have become suddenly full of water, it is not proper to +crowd before another, in order to pass over the frail bridge. + +Further,--a young man of good breeding should promptly offer his hand to +ladies, even if they are not acquaintances, when they pass such a place. + +You must pay attention to your manner of walking, for fear of throwing +mud around you, and spattering yourself as well as those who accompany +you, or who walk behind you. Any person, particularly a lady, who walks +in this improper manner, whatever her education may be in other +respects, will always appear awkward and clumsy. + +Every one knows that the Parisian ladies are celebrated for their skill +in walking: we see them in white stockings and thin shoes, passing +through long, dirty, and blocked up streets, gliding by careless +persons, and by vehicles crossing each other in every direction, and yet +return home after a walk of several hours, without soiling their clothes +in the least. + +To arrive at this astonishing result, which causes the wonder and +vexation of provincial visitors on their first coming to Paris, we must +be careful to put the foot on the middle of the paving stones, and +never on the edges, for, in that case, one inevitably slips into the +interstice between one pavement and another: we must begin by supporting +the toe, before we do the heel; and even when the mud is quite deep, we +must put down the heel but seldom. When the street becomes less muddy, +we can compensate ourselves for this fatigue, which, however, in the +end, leaves us hardly sensible. + +This manner of walking is strictly necessary when you offer your arm to +any one. When tripping over the pavement, (as the saying is) a lady +should gracefully raise her dress a little above her ancle. With the +right hand she should hold together the folds of her gown, and draw them +towards the right side. To raise the dress on both sides, and with both +hands, is vulgar. This ungraceful practice can be tolerated only for a +moment, when the mud is very deep. + +It is an important thing in the streets of a large city to edge +one's-self along; that is to avoid jostling and being jostled by those +who are passing. A neglect of this attention, will make you appear not +only awkward and ridiculous, but you will receive or give dangerous +blows. One can edge along by turning sideways, contracting his arms, and +watching with his eye the direction which it is best to take in order +not to come in contact with the person who meets him. A little practice +and care will soon make this duty familiar. + +To make our way along, becomes more difficult when we have a packet or +an umbrella to carry, especially if the latter is open. It is then +necessary to lower or raise it, or to turn it on one side. If you +neglect these precautions, you run the risk of striking it against those +who are coming and going, or of seeing it twirled round, and of being +thrown against a carriage, or against some one who will complain +bitterly of your incivility and awkwardness. + +If you have no umbrella, and find yourself overtaken by a sudden shower, +and any person provided with one is going in the same direction, you may +request them to shelter you; they should receive your request with much +politeness, inform themselves of the place where you wish to stop, and +offer to conduct you there, unless it is too much out of the way, or +they be pressed for business; in this case, they should express their +regret at not being able to accompany you so far as you wish. + +What we are now about to say, proves that a person truly polite, will +not wait for you to make this request, but will use every exertion to +anticipate it: we must observe however, whether age, sex, or dress +present no objection; for sometimes one would be treated with ill-humor +and contempt; and if you are a lady, particularly arrived at a certain +age, it would be extremely unpleasant to accost a person, who, on his +part, ought never to offer this favor, nor any other to ladies, and +whose air and immodest manners indicate at once his vulgarity. It would +be equally out of place to address such a request to those of a very low +class; but if such an one asks the favor of you, it is proper to receive +it with politeness. + +Another not uncommon point of propriety to be observed, consists in +asking and pointing out the different streets. If you have occasion for +this service, you speak politely, and say in a kind tone, _Madam_, or +_Sir, where is such a street, if you please?_ You should be careful to +give this title to persons whom you address, even if they should be +porters or hucksters. It is particularly to these that you should have +recourse, for in addressing persons passing by, you are liable to meet +those, who, as well as yourself, are strangers to the neighborhood, or +to hinder those who are busy; it is moreover, impolite, to trouble +shopkeepers in their places of business. The direction being given us, +we should thank them, at the same time bowing. Parisians are justly +celebrated for the politeness and complaisance with which they show the +way to passengers, and you ought to imitate them, every time that +occasion offers. If you are a man, and a lady or distinguished person +asks this favor of you, you should take off your hat while answering +them. + +There are some ill-mannered and malicious persons, who take pleasure in +misleading strangers by wrong directions. It will be enough to mention +such impertinence in order to despise it as we ought. + +As to those young men who entertain a false idea that Parisian ladies +are coquettes or forward in their manners, and besides, that everything +is allowable in a large city, let them be assured that a man who dares +(as often happens) to address improper compliments to ladies, to follow +them, to listen to their conversation, or to finish a sentence which +they have begun, is a model of rudeness, an object of aversion to +ladies, and of contempt to gentlemen. A young man of good manners ought +not to look at a lady too narrowly, or he will pass for an impertinent +fellow, who, as the saying is, stares people full in the face, (_sous le +nez_.) + +It is especially when there are many persons assembled in one place that +these boors play off their rude tricks; to which they give the name +_hoaxes_ for the multitude, at first because they are unperceived, and +afterwards, because the least bad among them think that the crowd are +out of the jurisdiction of propriety. This opinion, which obtains among +some persons, is an error. Politeness becomes still more indispensable, +in proportion to the assemblage. Why are crowds usually so disagreeable, +and even dangerous? It is because they are composed of people without +education, who rudely push against their neighbors, with their fist or +elbow, who neglect to follow the movement of going and coming; who, on +occasion of the slightest collision, raise loud complaints, and, by +their lamentations, their cries, and continual trepidation, render +insupportable a situation which, without this, would be but troublesome +enough. + +When we meet, in the street, a person of our acquaintance, we salute +them by bowing and uncovering ourselves, if there is occasion. Sometimes +it is not enough to give a simple salutation, but we must go to the +person and inquire how they are, if we see them frequently. While we are +speaking, if there is occasion, and it be a lady, or an aged and +respectable man, we remain uncovered: it is for the latter, who see how +troublesome this politeness is in winter, to insist that the person +addressing them should put on his hat. It also belongs to the person who +is the more important of the two, to take leave first. For example, in a +meeting of this kind, a gentleman never leaves a lady until she takes +leave of him; nor is a young lady allowed to leave first a married or +elderly lady. During this interview, which should be very short, the +speaker of least importance ought to take the lower part of the +side-walk, in order to keep the person with whom he is conversing, from +the neighborhood of the carriages. It would be supremely ridiculous to +enter into a long conversation, and thus detain, against their will, the +person accosted. If we have anything urgent to say to them, we may ask +permission to accompany them. We will add, that at Paris, a young man +ought to avoid approaching, and even saluting a young lady of his +acquaintance, out of regard to the natural timidity of her sex. + +If there is a stranger with the one whom we meet, we must be contented +with saluting the latter without stopping, otherwise we put his +companion in a disagreeable position. This civility becomes a rigorous +duty if they are accompanied by a lady. Ancient gallantry required that +in this last case, we not only should not stop, but still more, that we +should not salute an acquaintance, or friend who may pass; this is in +order not to force her companion to salute an unknown person (for one +should bow every time that the person bows with whom we are;) but this +custom may be modified. If it is a friend, or young man, one may be +content with making merely a motion; but if it be an elderly man, a +distinguished character, or a lady, it is necessary to salute them, +saying to the companion: _I take the liberty to salute Mr. or Madam N._ + +If a person of your acquaintance is at a window, and you are thought to +perceive them, you ought to address a salutation to them. But it is +necessary to avoid speaking to them from the street, or of making signs +to them, for this is a custom of bad _ton_. + +To enter into a long conversation with common and low people, who make +their door-step their parlor, is to be almost as ill bred as they +themselves are. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +_Of different Kinds of Visits._ + + +Visits are a very important part of the social relations; they are not +merely the simple means of communication established by necessity, since +they have at once for their object, duty and pleasure, and they enter +into almost all the acts of life. + +There are many kinds of visits, but we shall confine ourselves to the +principal ones; as for those which only occur under peculiar +circumstances, the reader will find them mentioned in the course of this +work. The first are the visits on new year's day; next, visits of +friendship and of ceremony: we shall not speak of visits of business; +what we have said in speaking of propriety in relation to different +professions, will dispense with our entering into new details. + +At the return of each new year, custom and duty require us to present +ourselves to our relations first; afterwards to our patrons, our +friends, and those who have done any kindness for us. + +These visits are divided into several classes; those of the evening or +afternoon, which are the most polite; of the morning, which are the +most friendly and respectful; by cards, and presenting one's-self, and +by cards without presenting one's-self; visits weekly, which are +confined to acquaintances with whom we have not very close relations; +monthly, which are less ceremonious, but however partake of coldness: it +is at Paris more than any other place, that these visits are permitted; +such calls demand much attention to the toilet; they should be as short +as possible; a visit of quarter of an hour is long enough, and we should +be careful to retire when other persons come in. + +We should appear ridiculous to wish persons _a happy new year_, in +ceremonious visits. + +I shall not mention friendly calls, except to remind my readers, that +almost all ceremony should be dispensed with. They are made at all +hours, without preparation, without dressing; a too brilliant attire +would be out of place, and if the engagements of the day carry you in +such a costume at the house of a friend, you ought obligingly to make an +explanation. Should you not find them at home, do not leave a card; such +useless ceremony would astonish your friends. Merely remind the +domestics to mention your calling, and do not leave your card, except +the servants are absent; then the card should be rolled up, and put in +the key-hole. It will be well to call again soon. + +With a friend, or relation whom we treat as such, we do not keep an +account of our visits. The one who has most leisure, calls upon him who +has the least; but this privilege ought not to be abused: it is +necessary to make our visits of friendship at suitable times. + +On the contrary, a visit of ceremony should never be made without +keeping an account of it, and we should even remember the intervals at +which they are returned; for it is indispensably necessary to let a +similar interval elapse. People in this way give you notice whether they +wish to see you often or seldom. There are some persons whom one goes to +see once in a month, others once a fortnight, &c.; others, however, less +frequently. In order not to omit visits, which are to be made, or to +avoid making them from misinformation, when a preceding one has not been +returned, persons who have an extensive acquaintance, will do well to +keep a little memorandum for this purpose. + +We cannot make ceremonious visits in a becoming manner, if we have any +slight indisposition which may for the time affect our appearance, our +voice--which may embarrass our thoughts, and render our company +fatiguing; such for instance as a swelled face, a cold, a slight +headache; in that case it would appear impolite and familiar. On the +contrary, make visits of friendship under such circumstances, and then +you will appear more amiable and zealous. + +To take a suitable time, is as indispensable in visiting, as in any +thing else. + +One can attain this, by remembering the habits of the person he is going +to see; by making your arrangements so as not to call at the time of +taking meals, in moments of occupation, and when our friends are +walking. This time necessarily varies; but as a general rule we must +take care not to make ceremonious visits, either before the middle of +the day, or after five o'clock. To do otherwise would, on the one hand, +look like importunity, by presenting one's-self too early; and on the +other, might interfere with arrangements that had been made for the +evening. + +After making one's toilet with care, visiters should furnish themselves +with cards, that is with small pieces of card or pasteboard, upon which +their name is printed or well written. Gentlemen ought simply to put +their cards in their pocket, but ladies may carry them in a small +elegant portfolio, called a _card case_. This they can hold in their +hand, and it will contribute essentially (with an elegant handkerchief +of embroidered battise,) to give them an air of good taste. + +We shall here make a digression in relation to cards. It was not +considered impolite, formerly, to take the cards of a cast off pack, cut +them crosswise into three parts, and write one's name upon them; this, +however, is now a subject of ridicule, and is only seen in provincial +towns, where they sometimes also substitute for these cards small pieces +of thick paper. Next to these cards come those made of thin pasteboard, +smooth, gilt-edged, watered, and intended to have the name in writing. +These are suitable for young gentlemen and young ladies; and they answer +for half ceremonious visits. After these, come lithographic cards, then +printed ones, and last those which are engraved. Some cards are figured +in a rich manner, presenting every degree of expensive elegance. Every +one will choose these according to his taste; but it is well to observe +that cards ornamented with borders, and those of the color of the rose, +and sky blue, are not suitable for men, nor for ladies of mature years, +because they have an air of over-nicety. + +The title is usually placed under the name, and, in large cities, the +address, at the bottom of the card and in smaller letters. Mourning +cards are surmounted with a black margin, half mourning ones are of a +bright gray. + +It is bad _ton_ to keep the cards you have received around the frame of +a looking glass; such an exposure shows that you wish to make a display +of the names of distinguished visiters. At the beginning of a new year, +or when from some cause or other which multiplies visiters at your +house, (such as a funeral or a marriage,) you are obliged to return +these numerous calls, it is not amiss to preserve the cards in a +convenient place, and save yourself the trouble of writing a list; but +if, during the year, your glass is always seen bristling with +smoke-dried cards, it will be attributed without doubt, to an +ill-regulated self-esteem. But let us return to our visiters. + +If the call is made in a carriage, the servant will ask if the lady you +wish to see is at home. If persons call in a hired carriage, or on foot, +they go themselves to ask the servants. Servants are considered as +soldiers on duty; if they reply that the person has gone out, we should +by no means urge the point, even if we were certain it was not the case; +and if by chance we should see the person, we should appear not to have +noticed it, but leave our card and retire. When the servant informs us +that the lady or gentleman is unwell, engaged in business, or dining, we +must act in a similar manner. + +We should leave as many cards as there are persons we wish to see in the +house; for example, one for the husband, another for his wife, another +for the aunt, &c. When admitted, we should lay aside our over-shoes, +umbrella, cloak, &c. in the ante-chamber, even ladies should lay aside +their cloaks in the houses of distinguished persons. In the provincial +towns they commonly keep them on. We then are announced by the servant, +if it is the custom of the house, or at least we wait until (without +announcing us,) he opens the door of the apartment. + +In case of the absence of the servants, you ought not to enter +immediately, but knock gently with the finger, and wait until some one +opens the door or bids you come in. If he does neither, you open the +door slowly and softly: should you find no one, do not go about and open +other doors, or pass into an inner room, but retrace your steps +immediately, return to the ante-room, and remain until some one comes to +give you an introduction. If you are obliged to stay very long, you can +leave your card on a piece of furniture or with the porter. This is a +case of rare occurrence; but it is well to provide for it, in order not +to be taken unawares. When admitted, a gentleman presents himself with +his hat in his hand, and advancing towards the lady, salutes her +gracefully and respectfully. As soon as he observes the lady is looking +for a seat to offer him, he must lose no time in providing one for +himself (commonly a chair) this he places towards the door by which he +entered, and at some distance from the lady, to whom he should leave the +upper part of the room. He ought by no means to sit, except she is +seated; and holding his hat upon his knee must not balance himself or +sink down in his chair, but preserve an easy, polite and becoming +attitude. It would be familiar and bad _ton_ to put down the hat or +cane, before the gentleman, and particularly the lady of the house, has +invited you to do it. Even then it is proper to refuse, and not to do it +until asked two or three times. In putting down the hat, we should not +do it carelessly, nor ought we to place it on a couch, for this is +impolite. The couch, which in ancient times was regarded as a sanctuary, +ought neither to be touched nor approached by a man. It is best to put +the hat on a bracket or chandelier stand, &c. The lady of a house does +not attempt to take the hats of gentlemen, except she wishes to treat +them with familiarity, and this is seldom done in calls of pure +ceremony. + +These remarks will apply also to ladies. Within fifteen years past it +has been their custom to lay aside their hats and shawls; but that +supposes an intimacy, which would authorize their abstaining from it at +the houses of those with whom they are not much acquainted; and, if they +are invited to lay them aside, they should refuse. The short time +devoted to a ceremonious visit, the necessity of consulting a glass in +replacing the head-dress, and of being assisted in putting on the shawl, +prevent ladies from accepting the invitation to lay them aside. If they +are slightly familiar with the person they are visiting, and wish to be +more at ease, they should ask permission, which we should grant them, at +the same time rising to assist them in taking off their hat and shawl. +An arm-chair, or a piece of furniture at a distant part of the room +should receive these articles; they should not be placed upon the couch, +without the mistress of the house puts them there. At the house of a +person we visit habitually, we can lay them aside without saying a word, +and a lady can even adjust her hair and handkerchief, (ficher) before +the glass, provided she occupies only a few moments in doing it. + +If the person you call upon is preparing to go out, or to sit down at +table, you ought, although he asks you to remain, to retire as soon as +possible. The person visited so unseasonably, should, on her part, be +careful to conceal her knowledge that the other wishes the visit ended +quickly. We should always appear delighted to receive a visiter, and +should he make a short visit, we must express to him our regret. +Ceremonious visits should be short; if the conversation ceases without +being again continued by the person you have come to see, if she gets up +from her seat under any pretext whatever, custom requires you to make +your salutation and withdraw. + +If, before this tacit invitation to retire, other visiters are +announced, you should adroitly leave them without saying anything. In +case the master of the house, in waiting upon you to the door, should +ask you to remain longer, you should briefly reply to him, that an +indispensable engagement calls you, and you must entreat him with +earnestness not to detain you. You should terminate your visit by +briskly shutting the door. + +If, on entering the room, you find strangers engaged in conversation, +content yourself with the few words which the master or mistress of the +house shall address to you; stop only a few moments, make a general +salutation, and conduct yourself as in the preceding case. When you have +happened to meet the strangers elsewhere, they may unite sometimes with +the person you are visiting, to prevent your taking leave; reply in a +polite and flattering manner, but still persist in retiring. If while +you are present, a letter is brought to the person you are visiting, and +she should lay it down without opening it, you must entreat her to read +it; she will not do it, and this circumstance will warn you to shorten +your visit. + +When you make a half ceremonious call, and the person you are visiting, +insists upon your stopping, it is proper to do so, but after a few +minutes you should rise to go: if you are urged still further, and are +taken by the hands and made to sit down as it were by force, to leave +immediately would be impolite, but nevertheless you must, after a short +interval, get up a third time, and then certainly retire. If, during +your call, a member of the family enters the room, you need not on this +account take leave, but content yourself by rising, and saluting the +person. If a lady, you must not seat yourself until she sits down; if a +gentleman, you can yield to the invitation made you to take your seat, +while the other remains standing. If you make a visit with others, there +are some points to be observed in relation to your companions. In going +up the staircase, it is rigorously the custom to give precedence to +those to whom you owe respect, and to yield to such persons the most +convenient part of the stairs, which is that next the wall. Above all, +do not forget this last caution if you accompany a lady; and a well-bred +gentleman, at such a time, should offer his arm. When there are many +persons, he should bestow this mark of respect on the oldest. If you +meet any one on the staircase, place yourself on the side opposite to +the one he occupies. It would be vexatious and out of place to make an +everlasting ceremony as to who should be announced first; the preference +must be given to ladies; next to them, to age and rank. The time of +taking leave should be also determined by ladies, or by aged persons, +and those who are of consequence. It would be impolite to wish to retire +before they gave the signal. We should add, that it is unsuitable for +more than three or four to visit together. Persons of high ton are +accompanied even to the ante-room by one or two servants, who receive +them again when going out. + +To carry children or dogs with one on a visit of ceremony, is altogether +vulgar and provincial. Even in half-ceremonious visits, it is necessary +to leave one's dog in the ante-room, as well as the nurse who holds the +infant, for this circumstance alone excuses such a suite. As to animals, +it is a thousand times better not to have them at all. + +We justly reproach inhabitants of the province for lavishing salutations +in meeting people, or in taking leave of them. This custom, which may +make us contract a reservedness or too much familiarity, is extremely +ridiculous. Is it not difficult to keep one's countenance, when we see a +visiter salute every article of furniture, to turn and turn again +twenty times as you conduct him, and pour forth at every pause a volley +of salutations and adieus? Our readers will beware of this over +politeness; they will salute the first time, at the moment they take +leave, and again, when the person who conducts them back shall have +stopped at the door. We have before said that when we do not find +persons at home, or when we are afraid of disturbing them, we leave a +card; but this is not what we call particularly _visits by card_ +(_visites par cartes_). In these last visits, it is not our object to +see the persons, since we do not ask for them, and we confine ourselves +to giving our card to the porter or domestic. This custom, which has +been introduced necessarily among persons of very general acquaintance, +and especially at times when every one ought to be visited, as on the +new-year's day,--this custom so far is not ridiculous, but it becomes so +by the great extent which has been given to it for some time past. This +extent consists in making a visit without leaving our apartment; that is +to say, merely by sending our card by a domestic, or indeed by means of +an agency established for this purpose. The practice of visits by cards, +seems to persons of good society the most impertinent and vulgar thing +which can be imagined. Do not then permit it, except when the question +is about returning visits made in this way; and do not use such +retaliations, except to prevent these ill-advised visiters from thinking +that you put yourself out to oblige them. + +In works devoted to the instruction of the laws of propriety, we think +only of fortune and affluence; we entirely forget people of a more +modest condition, and when we find ourselves in connexion with them, we +cry out against their impoliteness. It is an injustice, and in my +opinion, a false calculation. An injustice, because true politeness +pertains less to rank, than to uprightness and goodness of heart; a +false calculation, for to refuse to initiate people into what renders +the social relations easy and agreeable, is to prepare for ourselves +collision and vexation, and to retard as much as is in our power, the +practice of the forms of civilization. + +Despising then this foolish disdain, we shall applaud the great care of +persons not in affluence, who, having neither porter nor domestic, place +at their door a slate furnished with a pencil, that in their absence +visiters may write their names; for these visiters are seldom such as +carry cards. We shall applaud the benevolent care of persons whose +staircase is not lighted, or whose apartment is in the upper stories, +and who leave with the porter a candle which every one who arrives, +takes, in order to ascend, and returns it again on descending. If any +of our rich readers should be tempted to smile at the announcement of +these precautions of the more humble citizens, we would remind them that +they are entirely strangers to the spirit of politeness, of which these +precautions are a striking example. + +This digression naturally leads us to the second part of our task +relative to visits, concerning the duties which politeness imposes as to +receiving them, for it is not less important to receive people well, +than to present ourselves well to them. + +Before passing to this important subject, it would seem my duty to +finish what remains for me to say concerning visits, by the mention of +visits of audience, of congratulation, of condolence, and of repast; but +except the first, to which I am going to devote a few words, details of +all the others will be found in the chapters devoted to conversation, to +formalities of repasts, of mourning, &c. + +We should not merely call upon ministers, heads of the public +administration, and very distinguished persons; we must beforehand +request of them by writing a place of meeting and must specify the +object of our visit. We must call upon them at the appointed hour; we +must abstain from inquiring after their health, and observe strictly the +obligations of decorum. These visits, which are the acme of ceremony, +ought necessarily to be very short. + +We shall see, in the chapter on _Epistolary Propriety_, what titles are +proper to be given to these important personages. It is well to be +furnished with a letter of admission, that in case of necessity we may +show it to the servant. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +_Of the Manner of Receiving Visitors._ + + +To receive visitors with ease and elegance, and in such a manner that +everything in you, and about you, shall partake of propriety and grace, +to endeavor that people may always be satisfied when they leave you, and +desirous to come again,--such are the obligations of the master, and +especially of the mistress of a house. + +Everything in the house, ought, as far as possible, to offer English +_comfort_, and French grace. Perfect order, exquisite neatness and +elegance which easily dispenses with being sumptuous, ought to mark the +entrance of the house, the furniture and the dress of the lady. + +In a house where affluence abounds, it is indispensable to have a +drawing-room, for it is troublesome and in bad _ton_ to receive visits +in a lodging-room, at one's own dwelling. This may indeed do for a mere +call; but it becomes almost ridiculous when, after dinner, it is +necessary to pass into this room to take coffee, if you are receiving a +small company, &c. This custom is not any longer adopted, except in the +provincial towns and among persons who do not pride themselves on their +good _ton_. + +To receive company in a dining-room, is not allowed except among those +persons who cannot bear the expense of furnishing a parlor or +drawing-room. Simplicity, admitted into an apartment of this kind, +suited to the smallness of their means, we cannot but approve, while we +regret nevertheless, the disagreeable things to which such a residence +subjects them. But we have, in this respect, an express warning to make +to people who give themselves up to it unnecessarily, for it is +altogether opposed to the received usages of good society to put +yourselves in a situation which you cannot adorn, where you cannot place +arm-chairs, a chimney-piece, a glass, a clock, and all things useful to +persons who come to see you; where you are exposed to receiving twenty +visits during dinner; of seeing as many interruptions during the setting +of your table, since it is impossible to spread the cloth while +strangers remain; finally, of making them witnesses of your domestic +cares while removing the remains of a repast, the table-cloth, +dishes, &c. + +Young mothers of families who wish to have with them their children, +(troublesome guests, in a drawing-room, as every one knows,) think that +they may remain in the dining-room, and have strangers conducted into +an adjacent apartment. That this may not be inconvenient, it is +necessary to observe three things; first, that strangers be admitted +into this apartment before seeing the mistress of the house, because +they would not fail to create difficulties, by saying that they did not +wish to disturb her; second, that the apartment be constantly warmed in +winter; third, that in summer it should be furnished precisely as an +occupied chamber, for nothing is worse than to conduct people into a +room which seems to be to let. + +Unless from absolute inability, you ought to light your staircase. If +the practices of good domestic economy regulated by the cares of +civilization, were more generally extended, a staircase not lighted +would not often be found. + +After having thus cast a rapid glance into the interior of the house, +let us see in what manner it is necessary to receive visitors. + +When we see any one enter, whether announced or not, we rise +immediately, advance toward them, request them to sit down, avoiding +however the old form of, '_Take the trouble to be seated_.' If it is a +young man, we offer him an arm-chair, or a stuffed one; if an elderly +man, we insist upon his accepting the arm-chair; if a lady, we beg her +to be seated upon the ottoman. If the master of the house receives the +visitors, he will take a chair and place himself at a little distance +from them; if, on the contrary, it is the mistress of the house, and if +she is intimate with the lady who visits her, she will place herself +near her. If several ladies come at a time, we give this last place to +the one most distinguished by rank. In winter, the most honorable places +are those at the corner of the fire-place; in proportion as they place +you in front of the fire, your seat is considered inferior in rank. +Moreover, when it happens to be a respectable married lady, and one to +whom we wish to do honor, we take her by the hand and conduct her to the +corner of the fire-place. If this place is occupied by a young lady, she +ought to rise and offer her seat to the other lady, taking for herself a +chair in the middle of the circle. + +A mistress of a house ought to watch anxiously that they experience no +restraint before her; consequently, she will take care to present +screens to the ladies seated in front of the fire; she will move under +their feet tabourets, or what is better, pads, (coussins) but never +foot-stoves. If she is alone with an intimate acquaintance, she will +request her to take hers, but she will never extend this politeness to a +gentleman. + +If a door or window happens to be open in the room in summer time, we +should ask of visitors, if it incommodes them. + +If a lady who receives a half ceremonious visit is sewing, she ought to +leave off immediately, and not resume it except at the request of the +visitor. If they are on quite intimate terms, she ought herself to +request permission to continue. If a person visits in an entirely +ceremonious way, it would be very impolite to work even an instant. +Moreover, even with friends, we should hardly be occupied with our work, +but should seem to forget it on their account. + +In proportion as the visitor is a stranger, the master or mistress of +the house rises, and any persons who may be already there are obliged to +do the same. Some of them then withdraw; in this case, if the master and +the mistress of the house have with them any persons of their family, +after having conducted as far as the door those who are going, they +request one of their relations to take their place. If the case be +otherwise, it is necessary to choose between the persons who remain and +those who retire. If the latter are superior in rank, age or +consideration, we must give them the preference, and _vice versa_. But +however respectable the person be who departs, we may dispense with +conducting them farther than the door of the room. + +The manner in which we should usually re-conduct visitors is regulated +in an invariable manner. If it is a lady who is to be accompanied, the +master of the house takes her hand, passes it under his arm, and thus +leads her as far as the bottom of the staircase, unless the steps be so +narrow that two cannot go abreast. It is no longer the custom to give +the hand to ladies, but to offer them the arm. This new custom does not +at all change the ancient rule of propriety which requires that in +descending a staircase, we should give the side next the wall to the +lady whom we accompany; we commonly present to her the right arm, +provided however, that necessity does not oblige us, in order to avoid +placing her next the balustrade, to offer the left. If she is to return +in a carriage, we should politely hand her into it. + +In the provincial towns, they conduct all or almost all visitors, as far +as the street door, unless they are gentlemen and have visited a lady. +She ought then to accompany them, as is always done in Paris, that is to +say, as far as the door of the room, or the head of the stairs. +Parisians add to this custom an agreeable civility; they hold the door +open, and standing upon the threshold or edge of the staircase, follow +with their eyes the visitor until he turns round to make the last +salutation or adieu, or to request the host to return. + +We no longer practice that frank and open hospitality of the provinces, +by virtue of which, in the middle of winter, we request people to +_refresh_ themselves with some solid eatables. Such a proposal would now +excite a smile. We do not make any such offer to visitors, but under +these circumstances. First, during very hot weather, we invite them to +take a glass of syrup, or of iced water. Second, if any one is reading, +we offer him _eau sucrée_, that is, the little household article to +which we have given that name. Third, we offer orange flower water to a +lady who happens to be suddenly indisposed. Excepting these cases, we +make no offer of this kind. If any one wishes to refresh himself, he +requests the mistress of the house to allow him to ring the bell. After +assent is given, he asks of the domestic who comes, whatever he +desires. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +_Of the Carriage of the Body._ + + +The carriage of the body seems so simple, so common, and so easy a +thing, that undoubtedly on seeing this title, many readers will think I +design to send them back to _puerile_ and _plain civility_. But if they +will take the pains to reflect upon the numberless violations of +propriety in the carriage of the body, of which they are daily +witnesses; if they will call to the mind the many strange motions, +ridiculous gestures, pretending attitudes, affected looks, and clownish +movements; if they will recollect that the carriage of the body ought to +be in perfect harmony with the situation, age, mind and sex, and a +distinguishing trait of the physiognomy; if they will consider the +unfavorable prejudices to which a disdainful, immodest, or vulgar +deportment give rise, they will understand my anxiety in this respect. + +It is without doubt impossible to notice all faults in the carriage of +the body. This volume would not be sufficient for it; we must be +satisfied therefore with designating the principal ones. + +To look steadily at any one, especially if you are a lady and are +speaking to a gentleman; to turn the head frequently on one side and the +other during conversation; to balance yourself upon your chair; to bend +forward; to strike your hands upon your knees; to hold one of your knees +between your hands locked together; to cross your legs; to extend your +feet on the andirons; to admire yourself with complacency in a glass; to +adjust in an affected manner your cravat, hair, dress, handkerchief; to +remain without gloves; to fold carefully your shawl, instead of throwing +it with graceful negligence upon a table, &c.; to fret about a hat which +you have just left off; to laugh immoderately; to place your hand upon +the person with whom you are conversing; to take him by the buttons, the +collar of his coat, the cuffs, the waist, &c.; to seize ladies by the +waist, or to touch their person; to roll the eyes, or to raise them with +affectation; to take snuff from the box of your neighbor, or to offer it +to strangers, especially to ladies; to play continually with the seals +of your watch, a chain, or a fan; to beat time with the feet and hands; +to whirl round a chair on one leg; to shake with your feet the chair of +your neighbor; to stroke your face; rub your hands continually; wink +your eyes; shrug up your shoulders; stamp with your feet, &c.;--all +these bad habits, of which we ought never to speak to people, among +those who are witnesses of them, and are in the highest degree +displeasing. + +The carriage of the body is as expressive as the tone of voice, and +perhaps more so, because it is more constant; it betrays to the observer +all the shades of character, and we ought to be very careful of thus +making a general confession, by affected manners, a pretending +deportment, sneering ways, rough movements, a hard countenance, +impertinent signs and looks, simpering smiles, clownish gestures, a +nonchalant and effeminate posture, or a carriage of the body +distinguished by prudery and stiffness. + +Young ladies, and very young men little habituated to the world, ought +to be on their guard against excessive timidity, for it not only +paralyzes their powers, renders them awkward, and gives them an almost +silly air, but it may even cause them to be accused of pride, among +people who do not know that embarrassment frequently takes the form of +superciliousness. How often does it happen that timid persons do not +salute you at all, answer in a low voice, or very ill, omit a thousand +little duties of society, and fail in a numberless agreeable attentions, +for want of courage? These attentions, and these duties, they discharge +in _petto_, but who will thank them for it? A proper degree of +confidence, but not degenerating into assurance, still less into +boldness or familiarity, is then one of the most desirable qualities in +the world. To obtain which, we most observe the _ton_, and the manners +of polite and benevolent people, take them for our guides, and, under +their direction, make continual efforts to conquer our timidity. + +Propriety in the carriage of the body is especially indispensable to +ladies. It is by this that, in a walk, a ball, or any assembly, people +who cannot converse with them, judge of their merit and their good +education. How many dancers move off, and how many persons sigh with +pity, at the sight of a beautiful woman who has a mincing way, affects +grace, inclines her head affectedly, and who seems to admire herself +incessantly, and to invite others to admire her also. Who ever makes up +his mind to enter into conversation with an immovable lady, and one who +is formal and precise, lengthening out the body, pressing the lips, and +carrying back the elbows as if they were fastened to her side? + +The gait of a lady ought neither to be too quick nor too slow; the most +easy and most convenient step is that which fatigues the least and +pleases most. The body and the head should be erect without affectation +and without haughtiness; the movements, especially those of the arms, +easy and natural. The countenance should be pleasant and modest. + +It is not in good _ton_ for a lady to speak too quick or too loud. When +seated, she ought neither to cross her legs, nor take a vulgar attitude. +She should occupy her chair entirely, and appear neither too restless, +nor too immovable. It is altogether out of place for her to throw her +drapery around her in sitting down, or to spread out her dress for +display, as upstarts do in order to avoid the least rumple. + +But what is especially insupportable in this sex is, an inquiet, bold, +and imperious air; for it is unnatural, and not allowable in any case. +If a lady has cares, let her conceal them from the world, or not go into +it. Whatever be her merit, let her not forget that she may be a man by +the superiority of her mind and decision of character, but that +externally she ought to be a woman! She ought to present herself as a +being made to please, to love, and to seek a support; a being inferior +to man, and near to angels. An affectionate, complying, and almost timid +aspect, a tender solicitude for those who are about her, should be shown +in her whole person. Her face should breathe hope, gentleness and +satisfaction; dejection, anxiety, and ill-humor should be constantly +banished. + +Before leaving a subject so fruitful, I shall point out to my readers +two examples of a bad position. The one is a _fashionable_ with his head +stiff, a borrowed air, his leg strained out, trembling lest he should +disarrange the symmetry of his cravat, and lest he should pucker his +pantaloons, his sleeve or the collar of his coat. + +The other is an awkward person, with his feet drawn together and placed +upon the round of the chair, his hands spread out upon his knees, his +shoulders sunk, and his mouth half open. Between these two caricatures +there are many degrees which are ridiculous, but which we leave to the +sagacity of our readers to appreciate. We come now to our instructions +in respect to conversation. They are so important, that we think it our +duty to divide them into two parts, namely; physical proprieties, and +moral proprieties. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +_Of Physical Proprieties in Conversation._ + + +This first division will comprehend the physical care of the organs we +use in conversation, our movements, the manner of listening, +pronunciation, and purity of speech in a grammatical view. + + +SECTION I. + +_Physical Observances in Conversation._ + +Conversation is the principal, not to say the only means of pleasing, +and making our way in the world. How does it happen then, that so many +persons converse, without being troubled at the ridicule thrown upon +themselves, and the _ennui_ they occasion their hearers; without going +into the inquiry, whether they have not some physical qualities which +present more or less obstacles to the art of conversing well, or without +thinking of the means of correcting them! + +We shall point out some faults and the means of remedying them. It is +essential in speaking, to be well on our guard not to protrude the +tongue too near the edge of the lips. This bad habit has many great +inconveniences: it occasions a kind of disagreeable hissing, produced by +the immediate contact of this organ as it passes the teeth; and exposes +us to throw out saliva.[13] When an unfortunate habit or too great a +development of the tongue produces these accidents, we should take care +to keep this unlucky organ out of the way on one side of the gums or the +other. As to the fault which is opposite to this, that is, stammering, +by reason of too small size of the tongue, we should practice when we +are alone speaking distinctly. To declaim and to exercise ourselves upon +the words which present the greatest difficulties, is a useful exercise. + +There are some persons in whom the saliva is so abundant, that it makes +their pronunciation thick; such persons should accustom themselves to +swallow it before beginning to speak. + +Politeness in accordance with health, requires that our teeth should be +perfectly clean. A yellow and foul set of teeth, which emit an odor, +will not suffer any one to be sensible to our grace or the eloquence of +our language. Feelings of disgust are without appeal. + +Some persons who have fine teeth, have the lamentable fault of showing +them in speaking; this ridiculous vanity excites laughter, and besides, +injures the physiognomy: it is not necessary to conceal the teeth to the +utmost, but always without affectation. To use a tooth-pick while +speaking, to carry the fingers to the gums, to hold a flower between the +teeth, are habits of bad _ton_. + +To open the mouth widely when one speaks, especially when making an +exclamation of wonder or surprise; to draw the mouth on one side to give +ourselves the air of an original; to contract it, in order to make it +small; to laugh violently in an unmeaning and boisterous manner; to +impart to the lips, trembling and convulsive motions when any one +relates or reads something sad or terrible; to force our breath into the +face of the person we are conversing with--all these are shocking +faults, and insupportable grimaces. + + + [13] When this accident happens to any one, you must appear not to + perceive it. + + +SECTION II. + +_Of Gestures._ + +To act a pantomine with every word, cannot be tolerated; extended or +numerous gestures, which do not accord with the conversation; mysterious +signs accompanying the announcement of the most simple thing; abrupt +gestures, in friendly conversation; mincing gestures, in serious +conversation; rapid movements of the person, sitting or standing, and +who seems to be performing a sort of a dance--all these are equally +great faults against propriety and good taste. + +We should not absolutely condemn gestures, which, according to the Abbé +Delille, give physiognomy to our conversation. Moderate action +corresponding to our words, and by turns a little comic, lively, and +graceful, are allowable, and even indispensable. The left hand must not +move, but a significant and exact co-operation of the right hand, should +never be wanting in conversation: but I must censure dialogists, who put +their hand into their pockets or work-bags, who always rest them joined +or crossed, without making any gesture. Such persons give themselves the +air of automatons, while, on the other hand, excessive gesticulators, +have the appearance of madmen. + +Those persons who in conversing, violently seize hold of the arm of +their chair; play with little objects which come under their hands; who +amuse themselves by scratching or defacing furniture, turning their hat +backwards and forwards, twisting and untwisting the strings of their +bag, or the ends of their cravat, are, without doubt, ignorant how much +opposed to politeness, are these degrees of familiarity, childishness +and embarrassment. I will briefly add, that those who are witnesses of +all these ridiculous actions, ought never to notice them, unless they +wish to be still more ridiculous themselves. + + +SECTION III. + +_Of the Talent of Listening to Others._ + +To converse, is not to talk continually, as prattlers suppose; it is to +listen and speak in our turn; we must not acquit ourselves the less well +in the one than in the other. To do this, we should attend half of the +time to the person who is addressing us, (on this account it is impolite +to do any work while talking;) if they hesitate or are embarrassed, you +should appear not to notice it, and in case you are a little acquainted, +after a few moments, you should, in a very modest manner, supply the +word which seems to have escaped them. If they are interrupted by any +incident, when the cause of the interruption shall have ceased, you will +not wait until they resume the conversation, but with a smile of +benevolence, and an engaging gesture, request them to proceed; _please +to continue; you were just saying?_--If we are obliged in this manner, +to palliate any such interruption, much more, ought we never to allow +ourselves to be the cause of it. This is so rigorous a rule, that if, +in the warmth of conversation, two persons commence speaking at once, +both ought to stop immediately, when they perceive it, and each, while +excusing themselves, to decline proceeding. It is proper for the one +worthy of the most respect to resume the conversation. + +If a person shall relate anything to you, who, without having any +pleasantry, makes attempts at it; and without being affecting, endeavors +to move you, however wearied you may be, appear pleased and assume an +air of interest. If the narrator wanders into long digressions, have +patience to let him extricate himself alone from the labyrinth of his +story. If the history is interminable, be resigned, and do not appear +less attentive. This condescension is especially to be observed, if you +are listening to an elderly or respectable person. If the merciless +story-teller is your equal or friend, you may say to him, in order to +induce him to finish his narration, _and finally_-- + +Novices in the customs of the world, think they can abruptly interrupt a +conversation which is begun, by asking to have some incidents, which +they have not understood, explained, or by making the person who is +telling the story repeat the names; this should not be done until after +some consideration, and in the most polite manner. If the narrator +pronounces badly; if you see that other hearers are in the same +situation as yourself; if you foresee that for want of having followed +him in his narration, you will not be able to reply with politeness, you +can in this case, interrupt; but in some such manner as this; _I ask +your pardon, Sir, I fear I have lost some part of your interesting +conversation, will you be kind enough to repeat it_, &c. It is necessary +also, to choose a favorable moment, as for instance, when the narrator +pauses, hesitates for a word, or stops to take his handkerchief. + +When a person relates to you a plain falsehood, the art of listening +becomes embarrassing, for if you seem to believe it, you would pass for +a fool, and if you appear to doubt it, you will pass for an uncivil +person. An air of coldness, a slight attention, an expression like the +following, _That is astonishing_, will extricate you honorably from your +embarrassment; but when an event is narrated which is only +extraordinary, or not improbable, your manner should be otherwise. Your +countenance should express astonishment, and you should reply by a +phrase of this kind; _If I did not know your strict regard for the +truth, or if any person but you had told me this, I should have hardly +believed it._ Under no circumstances should you interrupt him. + +It happens sometimes that you foresee some incident in an interesting +story; and the pleasure that you find in this; the desire of showing +that you have guessed correctly, and the intention of proving how much +you are interested, induce you to interrupt suddenly in this manner, _I +see it, it is so, exactly_. An interruption of this kind, although well +meant and natural, will offend old persons, who like to tell a story at +full length, and will confound formal narrators, who will be in despair +that a phrase is taken from them which they had intended for effect; +these interruptions are only allowable among our intimate friends, or +inferiors, for otherwise you will have an ill-humored answer to your _I +see it_, &c. as with a triumphant air, _egad, but you can't see it_, &c. +which is always embarrassing. + +The worst kind of interruption of all others, is that which hauteur +dictates. A clever person seizing hold of a story which another is +telling, and with the intention of making it more lively, becomes, +notwithstanding his eloquence, a model of impertinence and vulgarity. + +It is, doubtless, hard to see a fool spoil a good anecdote, of which he +might have made something interesting; but if we should not be +restrained by politeness from expressing our feelings, we ought to be by +interest. Now hearers of delicacy will remain silent to the conclusion +of the recital, and will address themselves with good feelings to the +poor narrator who is injured in his rights. + +Interruption is pardonable if it is made to prove or clear up a fact in +favor of a person who is absent. When they accuse you, you can, +according to strict rules, interrupt by an exclamation, but it is better +to do it by a gesture. + +There is often much art and grace in listening, while you gesticulate +gently; for example, by counting upon the fingers; by making a gesture +of surprise; by a motion of assent, or an exclamation. This is a tacit +manner of saying, _ah, I recollect, you are right_, and charms the +narrator without interrupting him. + +In a lively, animated and friendly dialogue, we can interrupt each other +by turns, in order to finish a sentence which is begun, or to improve an +epithet; this contributes to vivacity in discourse, but it ought not, +however, to be too often repeated. + +There are many shoals to be avoided in listening, and which always +betray inexperience in society. To say from time to time to the +narrator, _Yes, yes_, by nodding the head, making motions with the hand, +a custom of old persons, and which is a good representation of a +pendulum; to keep the eyes fixed and the mouth gaping open; to have an +air of an absent person or of one in a reverie; to point the finger at +persons designated by the narrator; to gape without concealing by the +hand or the handkerchief, which is by no means flattering to the +speaker; to cast your eye frequently towards the clock--all these habits +are offences against good _ton_. + + +SECTION IV. + +_Of Pronunciation._ + +Pronunciation is still more indispensable in conversation than +elocution; for indeed before selecting our expressions, we must make +them understood, and one can do this but imperfectly if he pronounces +badly. From this fault arise forced repetitions, the loss of what is +appropriate, fatigue, disgust, the impatience of the two persons +speaking, and in fine, all the sad results of deafness. Should we not +use every effort to rid ourselves of this? + +The first, the greatest impediment to pronouncing well, is volubility. +By speaking too fast, we speak confusedly, and utter inarticulate and +unintelligible sounds, and this, without dispute, is of all the faults +in pronunciation, the most insupportable. We know very well, that to +speak too slowly, and as they say, to listen to our own words, is a +caprice which seems to denote pride or nonchalance; and that in certain +cases it is necessary to speak quickly; but we ought never to speak +precipitately, even on subjects which require us to be brief. Besides +the physical inconvenience, indistinctness has other moral +inconveniences: it supposes heedlessness, loquacity, or foolishness. + +Next comes hesitancy, which is little less troublesome, for it fills the +conversation with ridiculous and painful efforts. This defect which is +sometimes owing to the organization, happens still more frequently from +neglecting to think before we speak, from timidity, from some lively +emotion which obliges us to stammer, or from a formal anxiety to make +use of select terms. This last motive is almost an excess. With the +intention of pleasing persons, you weary them by repetitions, by +far-fetched mincing words, and in order to appear clever, you render +yourself excessively annoying. + +The habits acquired in childhood and in small towns, and a provincial +accent, are frequently obstacles to good pronunciation; let us instance +some examples of this. It is not uncommon to hear, even among those who +are considered as correct speakers, in general, such a misuse of words +as the following: _Me_ for _I_, _Miss_ for _Mrs._, _set_ for _sit_, _sat +out_ for _set out_, _expect_, (of a passed event;) _lay_ for _lie_, +_shew_ for _showed_, _would_ for _should_, _hadn't ought_ for _ought +not_, &c. As to accent, each province has its peculiarities. To +discover it, to shun it, and to modify it by an opposite effort, are the +means of avoiding these shoals; but however ridiculous we may appear in +running upon them continually, we are a hundred times less so than those +people who, like true pedagogues, stop you in the midst of an affecting +recital, to repeat with a sardonic smile, a vulgar phrase, a word badly +pronounced, or a wrong accent which happens to escape you. + +Not only among persons of good society, should we condemn pedantry in +pronunciation, but we ought, moreover, with Rousseau, to blame +over-nicety of pronunciation or _purism_. He could not tolerate (and +many others like him,) those people so particular in sounding every +letter of a word.[14] + +Besides a general accent, there is also a particular accent, which gives +a shade to the words, when we express a sentiment. We feel all its +delicacy and its charm, but we feel also that it ought to be in perfect +harmony with the language; that it ought to be free from all +affectation, and all exaggeration. To utter hard things in a tone of +mildness; to display in a humble voice proud pretensions; to open a +political discussion in a caressing tone; to recount an affair of +pleasantry with a melancholy accent,--is ridiculous in the highest +degree. It is no less so, to force the accent, to pervert it into irony; +or to introduce into discourse, a sort of declamation or tone. + +We cannot judge by the accent of a person who speaks too high or too +low, but we decide, in the first case, that he is vulgar, and in the +second, that he is disdainful. + + + [14] The examples in the original, are the final letters of the words, + _tabac_, _sang_, _estomac_. In English, some persons are as + scrupulous in the distinct pronunciation of every letter in such + words as _extra-ordinary_, _Wed-nes-day_, &c.--_T._ + + +SECTION V. + +_Of Correctness in Speaking._ + +_'Surtout qu'en vos discours la langue révérée.'_ + +In addressing this advice to readers, we shall beware of considering +them as strangers to the rules of grammar; it is so shameful at the +present day to be ignorant of one's own language, that it would not be +less so, to suspect others of not knowing it; but although we may not be +deprived of this indispensable knowledge, it is still necessary +carefully to beware of contracting bad habits in language; of using bad +phrases, and even of using terms of which we know not the import; a +little study and attention will afford a certain remedy to the +embarrassment which we might experience. + +Young people cannot too much guard against these faults, which show an +education that has been little attended to. They will arrive at it by +studying a good grammarian, and by paying attention to the sense of +their words. + +If, in the silence of the study, we have much trouble in rendering +correctly a long sentence, how must it be in the world, when the +earnestness of conversation prevents us from reflecting? To make long +phrases, is to be willing to make mistakes in language; and if we take +time to present these interminable sentences in a correct form, we only +appear the more clumsy, or the more pretending, for conversation ought +never to seem labored, and the expression and the thoughts ought to be +of a simultaneous casting. + +Avoid the pronouns _who_, _which_, particularly when they are +interrogatives; for although the grammar does not absolutely condemn +their frequency, yet as it is useless and disagreeable to the ear, we +should endeavor to avoid it. Thus, instead of _who is it who did such a +thing?_--_what is this thing that is here?_ say, _who did such a +thing?_--_what is this thing?_ + +Persons who are careful of their conversation, avoid, as faults of +language, expressions which certainly do not deserve this title, but +which injure the clearness, elegance, and harmony of conversation. Thus +they will abstain from uniting those words which, being in conflict as +to their meaning and pronunciation, make an ambiguity, except when +written. They carefully beware of accumulating synonymes and epithets +profusely, or at least, of forgetting with regard to these last, the +laws of gradation; of multiplying adverbs, which burden and weaken +discourse; they pay great attention to the requirements of euphony, and, +in order to this, avoid bringing near to each other, words of similar +sound, and of repeating similar words even of the same meaning, such as +_at present we offer a present_, _it does a good deal of good_. + +These scrupulous and privileged talkers are particularly careful of the +connecting particles, for they know how much their omission injures +euphony; how it causes persons who are little charitable, to believe +that it is a covering, under which are adroitly concealed doubt or +ignorance, and this opinion is not always a prejudice. + +I had forgotten to say that our skilful talkers endeavor not to furnish, +by fortuitous coincidences of words, opportunities for puns; that in the +mode of their conversation, they avoid rhymes so unfortunate and even +ridiculous in prose; that they dread repetitions of phrases, and axioms, +as the repetitions of words; that by short and judicious pauses, they +mark the punctuation in the spoken as in the written language; finally, +that they endeavor to render their conversation clear, correct and +elegant; but these talking-models would be in less danger of defeating +their object, if they had less of the precise air of a pedagogue. So far +from this, if a grammatical error escapes them, they quickly correct it, +but with ease and gaiety. If they hear a gross grammatical error, they +do not allow themselves even a smile, or a look which could indicate +their feeling, or trouble the one guilty of the error. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +_Of the Moral Observances in Conversation._ + + +_Goodness, moderation and decorum_--these are the motto and the soul of +moral propriety in conversation. + +A solicitude to be always agreeable and obliging; of observing a proper +medium in everything; of respecting the rights of others, even in the +most trifling things; susceptibility for every thing which is connected +with delicacy, piety, and modesty--all these qualities which belong to +politeness, are included in these expressive words; _goodness_, +_moderation_, _decorum_. + + +SECTION I. + +_Of Formal and Vulgar Usages._ + +In the first rank of customary formalities, we place those concerning +information about the health. We shall, necessarily, have little to say +on this head; there are, however, some little rules which are not to be +neglected. + +It is proper to vary the phraseology of these formal questions, as much +as possible; and we must abstain from them entirely, towards a superior, +or a person with whom we are but little acquainted, for such inquiries +presuppose some degree of intimacy. In the last case, there is a method +of manifesting our interest, without violating etiquette; it consists in +making these inquiries of the domestics, or of other persons of the +house, and of saying afterwards when introduced; 'I am happy Sir, to +hear that you are in good health.' + +Custom forbids a lady to make these inquiries of a gentleman, unless he +is ill or very aged. To put a corrective upon this mark of regard, a +lady who addresses a gentleman, should be earnest in her inquiries of +the health of his family, however little intimacy she may have with +them. Many persons ask this question mechanically, without waiting for +the answer, or else hasten to reply, before they have received it. This +is in bad _ton_. Inquiries about the health, it is true, are frequently +unimportant, but they should appear to be dictated by attention and +kindness. We must not however be deceived, but be careful not to mention +a slight indisposition to persons who are strangers to us, because +their interest can be only formal. + +After we are informed of the health of the person we are visiting, it is +proper to inquire of them in relation to the health of their families; +but it would be wearisome to them, to make a long enumeration of the +members who compose the family. We can put a general question, +designating the most important members. In case of the absence of near +relations, we ask the person we are visiting, if they have heard from +them lately, if the news is favorable. They, on their part, ask the same +of us. + +When you are not on visits of great ceremony, at the time of taking +leave, you are commonly desired to give the compliments and salutations +of the persons you are visiting to those with whom you live, then you +should reply briefly, but give them assurances of your regard, and thank +them. + +Politeness infuses into visits of some little ceremony, a coloring of +modesty, grace, and deference, which should be preserved with the +greatest care. + +In speaking, it is always proper to give the name of _Sir_, _Madam_, or +_Miss_, and if the sentence is somewhat long, the title ought to be +repeated. If the question is with regard to answering in the affirmative +or negative, we ought never to say roughly _yes_ or _no_. + +If the person addressed has a title, or that which he has from his +profession, we should give it him, as _Count_, _Doctor_, &c. In case we +meet with many persons of the same profession, we can then distinguish +them, adding their name to the title. + +A lady will not say, my husband, except among intimates; in every other +case, she should address him by his name, calling him _Mr._ It is +equally good _ton_ that except on occasions of ceremony, and while she +is quite young, to designate him by his christian name. + +But when one speaks to a gentleman of the lady to whom he is married, he +should not say _your wife_, unless he is intimately acquainted, but +_Mrs. such-a-one_, is the most proper. The rules of politeness in this +respect, are the same in speaking of the husband. + +When we speak of ourself and another person, whether he is absent or +present, propriety requires us to mention ourselves last. Thus we should +say _he and I_, _you and I_. + +When you relate a personal occurrence, the circumstances connected with +which are honorable to yourself, and a distinguished person had also a +share in the honor, you should only mention him, and instead of the +plural form, _we resolved_, _we did such a thing_, you should forget +yourself, and say, _Mr. N. resolved, or did such a thing so and so_. +Delicacy will dictate this degree of modesty to you, and your superior +in his turn will proclaim at his own expense, your merit on the +occasion. + +We know that the word _false_ is not to be found in the dictionary of +politeness, and that when we are obliged to deny the assertion of any +one, we employ apologetical forms. The most proper ones are such as the +following: _I may be mistaken_, _I am undoubtedly mistaken, but,..._ _Be +so good as to excuse my mistake, but it seems to me,..._ _I ask pardon, +but I thought_, &c. Those persons are but ill-bred, who think to soften +down a denial merely by expressions of doubt. They say, _if what you +advance is true_, _if what madam says is positive_, &c. With these +forms, they think they comply with the rules of politeness. It is +incivility with affectation. + +However persons may say invidiously that forms avail much in the world, +I agree with them, but in quite another sense. + +We should never ask a thing of any one without saying, _will you have +the goodness_, _will you do me the favor_, _will you be so good_, &c. + +In a circle, we should not pass before a lady; and should never present +any thing by extending the arm over her, but we pass round behind, and +present it. In case we cannot do it, we say, _I ask your pardon_, &c. +To a question which we do not fully comprehend, we never answer, _Ha? +What?_ but, _Be so good as_, &c. _Pardon me, I did not understand._ + +Never refuse with disdain a pinch of snuff, and rather than disoblige +people, take one, even if you throw it away, after having pretended to +take it. Beware of presenting to ladies, in balls or assemblies, a box +of _sweet things_, under penalty of having the air of a caricature. + +If you strike against any one in the least, ask pardon for it +immediately. The other should at the same time answer you, _It is +nothing, nothing at all_, &c., even if the blow should have been +violent. + +It is customary to employ the few moments of a visit of mere politeness, +in looking at the portraits which adorn the fireplace, and even taking +them down, if you are invited to do it. It would be the extreme of +impoliteness, to say that they were flattered, or to pretend to +recognize in the portrait of a young lady, the likeness of an elderly +lady, or of one less favored by nature. It would moreover be improper to +make long compliments; indirect, and ingenious praise, is all that is +proper. + + +SECTION II. + +_Of Questions, and frequently recurring Expressions._ + +It is an axiom of propriety that we should never speak of ourselves, +(except to intimate friends) and that we should converse with strangers +about themselves, and everything which can interest them. Questions are +therefore necessary, but they demand infinite delicacy and tact, in +order neither to fatigue nor ever wound the feelings. If, instead of +expressing a mild and heartfelt interest, you ask a dry question +dictated by a cold curiosity; if you seem to pay no attention to the +answers which you call forth; if you mal-adroitly take a commanding +tone; if you prolong without bounds this kind of conversation; if, +perceiving that you are embarrassed, and that you endeavor to save +yourself by an evasive answer, instead of keeping silence, you witness +the foolish regrets of your indiscretion; be assured that both your +questions and yourself will be considered as a torment. + +Madame Necker ingeniously observes that these favorite and frequently +repeated terms with which we fill our conversation, serve, ordinarily as +a mark of people's character. 'Thus,' says she, 'those who exceed the +truth are in the habit of saying, _You may rely upon it, it is the +truth_; long talkers say, _In a word, to be brief_; and the proud say, +_Without boasting_,' &c. This striking observation is well founded, and +consequently we ought to take good care not to let people into the +secret of our peculiarities. + +But, independently of this motive, it is necessary for us carefully to +avoid frequently recurring words, as in time, habit multiplies them to +an inconceivable degree. They embarrass and overwhelm our conversation, +turn away the attention of those who listen to us, and render us +importunate, and ridiculous, without our being able to perceive it. + +If habitual terms, which on no other account are reprehensible, can +become so troublesome, what results may these trite phrases, trivial +expressions, and vulgar transitions produce, when they become frequent! + + +SECTION III. + +_Of Narrations, Analysis, and Digressions._ + +There are many conditions indispensable to the success of a narrative. +These conditions are, first, novelty; the best stories weary when they +are multiplied too much, because every one wishes to be an actor in his +turn upon the stage of the world. So that, when you have anything +excellent to relate, consult less your own desire to tell it, than the +wishes of others to hear you. There are but too many people who discover +the secret of wearying while telling very good things, on account of +their too great eagerness to tell them. + +The next thing is to take a suitable opportunity. Let your narration +spring naturally from the conversation; let it explain a fact, or come +in support of an opinion, but let it never appear to be introduced by +the foolish pleasure of talking, or by a not less foolish desire of +making a display of talent. Remember that the most meagre recitals, when +they are àpropos, frequently please more than the best things in the +world, when they are said out of time. And even endeavoring to +monopolize the conversation is in bad _ton_, particularly for young +persons and ladies, especially if it is but a few moments since they +occupied the attention of the company. It is an agreeable and modest +mark of propriety to request some one to relate an anecdote of the day, +of which you have made mention, and the circumstances of which you +desire to know. This is well suited to persons of distinguished talents. +The person called upon, bows and excuses himself with a few words +before acceding to your request. + +It is of all importance that the language correspond to the different +forms which the narration requires; that, under pretext of adorning our +story, we do not wander into far-fetched comparisons, dull details, or +interminable dialogues; that if we relate anything amusing or striking, +we should observe the utmost seriousness, and finally, before commencing +a recital of this kind, we keep in mind these lines of Lafontaine; + + Il ne faut jamais dire aux gens, + Ecoutez un bon mot, oyez une merveille, + Savez-vous si les écoutans + En feront une estime à la vôtre pareille? + +When, for want of observing this, as well as many other similar rules, +narrators fail of the expected effect, and think to be able to tell it +over again, and remarking on the comic part of the story, and laboring +to repeat it thus;--_Do you not think this excellent, wonderful?_ Alas! +they only add to their own defeat, and to the ennui of their poor +hearers. + +If one relates an anecdote which you already know, permit him to finish +it, and do not in any way draw off the attention of those who are +listening. If your opinion is asked, give it frankly, and without +wishing to appear better informed than the narrator himself. Still +farther; if you happen to be in tête-à-tête with the same narrator, +observe the same silence, and listen with an air of interest, and if he +happens to impart to you what he related the preceding day, which he had +from you yourself, you should appear to listen with equal interest, as +if for the first time. Frequently, in the midst of a recital, the +narrator, through forgetfulness, hesitates, and thinks that he can +recall it. Look at him attentively. If he is in doubt, declare that you +are altogether ignorant of the subject in question. If his memory +returns, request him to continue, at the same time saying; _I listen to +you always with new pleasure_. This delicate politeness is particularly +to be observed towards old persons. + +When your narrations have had success, keep a modest countenance; leave +others to point out the striking parts which have pleased them. The +surest means of not having the approbation of others, in actions as well +as other things, is to solicit it, whether it be by looks, or by words. + +As every hearer is obliged to listen or understand without objecting, +the consequence is, that we should _feel our ground_ before speaking, +and ask if such or such a thing is known to the company. When a story +has been published in the newspapers, so that it is not entirely new, +or seems borrowed from a compilation of _anas_, if we attribute it to +some person of our acquaintance, (of course one that is absent,) an +ineffable ridicule very properly stigmatizes the narrator. + +We come now to what seems to me the most difficult part of conversation, +and if you are not sure of being able to class your ideas with +regularity, to express them with much clearness, and an easy elegance, +do not have the temerity to wish to analyze a book, or a dramatic piece. +You would be laying up for yourself a rude mortification, which would +have an unfavorable influence on your _entrée_ into society. You would be +wrong, however, in concluding, that I condemn you to perpetual silence; +I only wish to inspire you with a salutary diffidence, in order to +preserve you from such a rude check, and to put it in your power some +future day to answer, in this particular, the wishes of a distinguished +and brilliant assembly. + +Begin by putting down upon paper a hasty sketch of a short piece, as for +instance a _vaudeville_, or a little comedy. You will do this until, +being sure of the manner in which you would embrace the _ensemble_, and +dispose of the details, you can produce it without embarrassment. When +arrived at this point, abstain from these kinds of analysis, which +though indeed more correct, seem labored. They have besides less +freedom, appropriateness, and grace. + +Know this, and remember it well, that every other preparation than +thinking what you are about to say, will make you acquire two +intolerable faults, affectation and stiffness. + +To conclude, I give this advice only to those persons who, by a quick +and penetrating perception, by a love of the fine arts, and by a +peculiar readiness, find themselves able to speak properly of literary +productions. + +Those who are less engaged in these things, should content themselves +with simply and briefly explaining a subject, and of mentioning the +emotion they felt; with speaking of some brilliant passage, and adding +that they do not pretend to pronounce judgment. + +The first degree of digression is the parenthesis; provided it is short, +natural, and seldom repeated; and that you take care to announce it +always; and finally, in order not to abuse it, you should make a skilful +use of it. The second degree of digression becomes more nice, for it +includes those accessory reflections, those common but agreeable and +well-settled expressions; those general or particular allusions, which +are only to be used with a peculiar emphasis, which is to language what +the italic character is to printing. This method of speaking in italics +may be striking and artless; but it often becomes obscure and trivial; +the habit is dangerous, and one should use this difficult digression +only before intimate friends. + +We now come to the third degree, to what is properly called digression; +most frequently it is involuntary. Often in a lively and animated +dialogue, the impetus of conversation carries you, as well as the person +with whom you are conversing, far from the point from which you started. +If it is a question of pleasure or interest, return to your point by +employing a polite turn, as, _Pray let us not lose sight of our +business_. But if it is an affair of nothings succeeding nothings, let +it flow on. + +Voluntary digression, when it is not a mere work of loquacity, may be +employed in serious discourse, as political, philosophical, or moral +discussions; but it is important to treat it with infinite reserve, and +care, and never to introduce a personal apology, or a domestic incident, +altogether out of place, as those persons do, who, in narrating any +event relative to an individual, recount his life, their connexion with +him, or his whole family, and make the event of an hour remind us of +ages. + +Lawyers, literary people, military men, travellers, invalids and aged +ladies, ought to have a prudent and continual distrust of the abuse of +digressions. + + +SECTION IV. + +_Of Suppositions and Comparisons._ + +The two shoals to be avoided in this form of language are directly +opposed to each other; the one is triviality, the other bombast. + +The object of supposition, which is already antiquated, and sometimes +too simple, is to increase the force of reasoning, and to carry +conviction to the mind of the person who listens to you; comparison +tends to make an image, or to place before us the object described. When +both these qualities are regulated by reason, use, and taste, it is very +well; but how seldom is this the case! + +They are not so used, if, in the course of a discussion, you suppose a +respectable person to supply the place of a madman, an ill-bred person, +or a robber; or, if you suppose him to be in a situation disgraceful or +even ridiculous. As, for example; _If you had been this bad person_; or, +_Suppose, that you had committed this base act_; or, _that you should be +laughed at_, &c. + +They are also misplaced, whenever, being satisfied with avoiding +disagreeable comparisons, we endeavor to mark out some one as +contemptible, by comparing his exterior with that of some other person +in the company. When we say; _This unfortunate man is of your size, sir; +he has your traits, your physiognomy_, &c. + +They are also misplaced, if used in the presence of people of a +profession upon which the injurious comparisons fall, as when we say; +_As quackish as a doctor_; _greedy as an attorney_; _loquacious as a +lawyer_, &c. + +Finally, politeness and taste cannot at all exist in comparisons, if +they are common or trivial, as when we say, _black as the chimney-back_, +_high as one's hand_, &c.; or, if they are in a turgid and pretending +style, such as, _learned as the Muses_, _fresh as the meadows_, &c. + + +SECTION V. + +_Of Discussions and Quotations._ + +Whatever be the subject of conversation, propose your opinion with +modesty; defend it with sangfroid and a mild tone if you are opposed; +yield with a good grace if you are wrong; yield also, although you are +in the right, if the subject of discussion is of little importance, and +especially if the one who opposes you is a lady, or an old person. +Moreover, if love of truth or the desire of affording instruction force +you to enter into a discussion, do it with address and politeness. If +you do not bring over your opponent to your own opinion, you will at +least gain his esteem. + +But if you have to do with one of those people who, possessed with a +mania of discussion, commence by contradicting before they hear, and who +are always ready to sustain the contrary opinion, yield to him; you will +have nothing to gain with him. Be assured that the spirit of +contradiction can be conquered only by silence. + +The insupportable pedantry of a cloud of quoters, without tact or +talent, has justly, for a long time, thrown quotations into disrepute; +but if they are well chosen, few, and short; if they are à-propos, + + Qui fuit comme le temps, qui plaît comme les grâces; + +if they are altogether new, and wielded by a person possessed of +modesty, elegance, and taste, having a perfect knowledge of the world, +quotations have much success and charm; but without these conditions, +there is little safety; and in this matter there can be no mediocrity; +you will either be a good model, or an insupportable pedant. Consider if +you will rashly run this chance, especially on making your début in +society, when young persons ought so carefully to avoid making a parade +of a vain college erudition, and not seek the reputation of a savant by +employing words borrowed from foreign languages, or scientific terms +unknown in good society. + + +SECTION VI. + +_Of Pleasantry, Proverbs, Puns, and Bon Mots._ + +If society is not a school for exercising pedantry, neither is it an +arena for the use of those perversely clever people, who think +themselves furnished with a patent to insult with grace. Whatever may be +the keenness of their sarcasms, the piquancy of their observations, or +the smile which they excite in me, I do not the less refuse to allow to +those caustic spirits the name of polite persons, or of good _ton_; for, +in politeness there must be good feeling. But those who incessantly +study to trouble and wound people, without taking any precaution except +to deprive them of the right or means of complaining; who are ready to +catch at the least error, to exaggerate it, to clothe it in the most +bitter language, to present it in the most ridiculous light; who meanly +attack those who cannot answer them, or expose themselves every day for +a sarcasm to sport with their own life and that of another in a +duel--such people, what are they?--in truth, I dare not say. + +One such picture, which, certainly is not highly colored, would render +pleasantries always odious; but to indulge in pleasantry is not to +resemble such mischievous persons, thank heaven, it is far otherwise; +for mild, kind, and harmless pleasantry should be taken in good part +even by those who are the subjects of it; it is a friendly, and sportive +contest, in which severity, jealousy, and resentment should never +appear; whenever you perceive the least trace of them, the pleasantry is +at an end; desist, then, the moment they appear. + +As to hoaxing, that caustic of fools; as to that silly gaiety, excited +by the candor or politeness of people whom you falsely cause to believe +the most foolish things, because they do not make known to you that they +see through this pleasure of stupid fellows, I have nothing to say of +them, except that I have too good an opinion of my reader to suppose +that he does not despise them as I do. + +Popular quotations and proverbs, as well as other quotations, require +some care; and, except in familiar conversation, are altogether +misplaced. If they are frequent, conversation becomes a tedious +gossipping; if introduced without a short previous remark, one of two +things will take place, they will either prevent the speaker from being +understood, or they will give him the air of Sancho Panza. But the +previous remark, however, need be but short; _as the proverb says_, _as +the wisdom of nations has it_. A proverb well applied, and placed at the +end of a phrase, frequently makes a very happy conclusion. + +I only speak to censure; I entreat my readers not to suffer themselves +to be the manufacturers of puns, and to despise this talent of fools and +childish means to excite a passing laugh. Not that we cannot repeat in +good company one of those rare political bon mots which are happy in +every respect; nor that we ought to deprecate this kind of pleasantry +before people who are fond of them, still less to tell them what they +hear every day, _That is poor_; to have taste, does not authorize us to +be impolite. + +We must be much more severe upon another kind of équivoques; namely, +those which offend modesty. Propriety allows you, and it even requires +you not to listen to, but even to interrupt an ill-bred person who +importunes you with those indecent witticisms which a man of good +society ought always to avoid; they are those by aid of which we cover +certain pleasantries with a veil so transparent, that they are the more +observed. What pleasure can we find in causing ladies to blush, and in +meriting the name of a man of bad society? + +There are those who think that they may allow themselves every kind of +pleasantry before certain persons; but a man of good _ton_ ought to +observe it wherever he is. We might quote more than one example of +persons, who have lost politeness of manners and of language by assuming +the habits and conversation of all kinds of society into which chance +may have carried them. It requires but a moment to lose those delicate +shades of character which constitute a man of the world, and which cost +us so much labor to acquire. + +It is a great error to suppose that we must always shine in +conversation, and that it is better to make ourselves admired by a +lively and ready repartee, than to content ourselves sometimes with +silence, or with an answer less brilliant than judicious.[15] We must +not imagine that all traits of wit are in the class of politeness; a +vain and triumphant air spoils a bon mot; moreover, when you repeat a +thing of this kind of which you are the author, beware of saying so to +your auditors. + + + [15] That a reply may be truly pleasing, it is necessary that he who + makes it has a right so to do, and that we may quote it without + doing him any wrong; otherwise, we should laugh at the reply, + and despise the author of it. There are replies which are + pleasing in the mouth of a military man, but which would be + ridiculous in the mouth of a civil magistrate. A young lady may + make lively and brilliant repartees, which would be insupportable + in a woman in the decline of life; as the latter might make such + as would be unsuitable in a young lady. + + +SECTION VII. + +_Of Eulogiums, Complainings, Improprieties in general, and Prejudices._ + +One of the most improper things, is to praise to excess and +unseasonably. Extravagant and misplaced eulogiums neither honor the one +who bestows them, nor the persons who receive them. + +An infallible method of giving a meritorious person the air of a fool, +is to address him to his face and without disguise, to load him with +exaggerated eulogiums; it is indeed not a little embarrassing to reply +in such a case. If we remain silent, we appear to be inhaling the +incense with complacency; if we repel it, we only seem to excite it the +more. Thus we see, in such a case, and even among very clever persons +too, those who reply by silly exclamations and by rude assertions. _You +were laughing at me_, they say; this cannot be tolerated; it is to be +supposed that the person who praises you is incapable of such an act. I +think it would be better to say, _I did not know you were so kind_ (or +so good) _I should indeed think you were joking me_. Or else, we should +say, _your partiality blinds you_. + +Persons who are unacquainted with the world, commonly think that they +cannot address a lady without first assailing her with compliments. This +is a mistake, gentlemen, and I can with relation to this point, reveal +to you what my sex prefers to these vulgar eulogiums. + +It is in bad _ton_ to overwhelm with insipid flattery all women that we +meet, without distinction of age, rank or merit. These insipidities may +indeed please some of light and frivolous minds, but will disgust a +woman of good sense. Carry on with them a lively, piquant and varied +conversation; and remember that they have a too active imagination, a +too great versatility of disposition, to support conversation for a long +time upon the same subject. + +But is it then necessary to proscribe eulogiums entirely? Not at +all--society has not yet arrived at that degree of philosophy; eulogiums +are and will for a long time be a means of success; but they should be +in the first place, true, or at least probable, in order not to have the +appearance of outrageous insults; they should be indirect and delicate, +that we may listen to them without being obliged to interrupt; and they +should be tempered with a sort of judgment, the skilful use of which, is +itself even a eulogium. + +I repeat, as I have often said, let there be moderation in everything. + +Should we not regard as gross and ridiculous language, that exaggeration +which we frequently hear used in praise as well as in censure? It seems +that true politeness in language consists principally in a certain +moderation of expressions. It is much better to cause people to think +more than we say, and not outrage language, and run the risk of going +beyond what we ought to say. + +Under any circumstances, complaining has always a bad grace. + +Banish from your complaints ill-nature and animosity; let your anger be +only an expression of the wrong you have suffered, and not of that which +you would cause; this is the surest means of gaining to your side +persons who would perhaps be doubtful whether to favor your adversary or +yourself. + +Politeness is not less opposed to making excessive complaints to the +first person you meet, than to the frequent and extravagant eulogiums +which you bestow improperly upon those from whom you expect a favor in +return. + +By the word improprieties, we generally understand all violations of +politeness. We, however, give to this word a particular and limited +sense. It signifies a want of due regard to, and a forgetfulness of, the +delicate attentions which seem to identify us with the situation of +others. We will mention some examples of these particular violations of +politeness. To accost sad people with a smiling face and sprightly +manners, which prove to them the little interest which you take in their +situation; to trouble by a whimsical and cross ill-humor, and by +misanthropic declamations, the pleasure of contented persons; to exalt +the advantages of beauty before aged ladies or those who are naturally +unfortunate; to speak of the power that wealth bestows in the presence +of people hardly arrived at mediocrity of fortune; to boast of one's +strength or health before a valetudinarian, &c. + +The sense which we here give to the term _prejudices_ is still more +limited than that which we have just given to the expression +_improprieties_. + +We do not mean to speak here of those erroneous judgments, acknowledged +as such, which though undermined, and shaken, are still respected by +that society which they torment. We wish only to admonish our fair +readers of those unfriendly prejudices of nation against nation, city +against city, and section against section; that malevolent disposition +which with a Parisian makes the name _provincial_, synonymous with +awkwardness and bad _ton_, and which, in the saloons of the Chausée +d'Antin, allows no favor to persons lodging in the Marais; because the +people of the Marais, provincials and Englishmen, do not consider it any +fault to return prejudice for prejudice, and contempt for contempt. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +_Of Epistolary Composition._ + + +Next to social communications by means of visits and conversation, are +communications by means of letters and billets. It is not only absence, +but a multiplicity of business, and a great number of relations which +give a very great extension to this part of our social interests. + +Our readers have too much judgment to think that we wish to give them +lessons in style, or teach them how they should write letters of +friendship, of congratulation, of condolence, of apology, of +recommendations, of invitation, of complaint, or of censure. This +enumeration alone, shows the impossibility of it. Some general +reflections upon propriety in epistolary composition, and strict details +of the forms and ceremonial parts of letters, will compose this +important chapter. + + +SECTION I. + +_Of Propriety in Letter Writing._ + +If in conversation we ought to attend to propriety of language, its +choice and graceful euphony, how much more is it necessary to endeavor +to make our style in writing clear, precise, elegant, and appropriate to +all subjects. Vivacity of discourse forces us frequently to sacrifice +happy though tardy expressions to the necessity of avoiding hesitancy; +but what is thus an obstacle in speaking, does not interfere with the +use of the pen. We ought, therefore, to avoid repetitions, erasing, +insertions, omissions, and confusion of ideas or labored construction. +If we write a familiar letter to an equal or a friend, these blemishes +may remain; but otherwise, we must commence our letter again. + +The most exact observance of the rules of language is strictly +necessary; a fault of orthography, or an incorrect expression, are not +allowable, even in the least careful letter or the most unimportant +billet. Even correction is not admissible; for, besides being a blemish +to the letter, it betrays the ignorance or inattention of him who writes +it. For these reasons, it is well to make a rough draft, if we are +little accustomed to epistolary style, and if being very young, we +cannot perfectly remember the rules of syntax, and the dictionary. Some +persons, it is true, censure this precaution, which, say they, marks the +style with affectation and stiffness. This censure does not seem to me +well-founded. The loss of time which this method requires, is a more +real inconvenience; and for this reason, and on account of the +embarrassment with which we may be troubled, it is well to accustom +ourselves to writing a letter _extempore_ with neatness, elegance and +correctness. + +The choice of materials for writing, without being very essential, is +yet necessary; to write on very coarse paper, is allowable only to the +most indigent; to use gilt edged and perfumed paper for letters of +business, would be ridiculous. The selection of paper ought always to be +in keeping with the person, the age, the sex, and the circumstances of +the correspondents. Ornamented paper, of which we have just spoken; +paper bordered with colored vignettes and embossed with ornaments in +relief upon the edges; and paper slightly colored with delicate shades, +are designed for young ladies, and those whose condition, taste, and +dignity, presuppose habits of luxury and elegance. Many distinguished +people, however, reasonably prefer simplicity in this thing, and make +use of very beautiful paper, but yet without ornament. + +People of business, heads of companies or establishments, and persons of +distinction, with many titles, use paper printed at the top, that is to +say, having the name of their residence, the three first figures of the +date of the year, their address, and these words, _Mr. ----_, (here +follow the titles) to _Mr. ----_. + +It is extremely impolite to write a letter upon a single leaf of paper, +even if it is a billet; it should be always double, even though we write +only two or three lines. It is still more vulgar to use for an envelope, +paper on which there are one or two words foreign to the letter itself, +whether they be written or printed. + +Billets, letters folded lengthwise, and half-envelopes, are little used. +A folded letter, especially if written upon vellum paper, should be +pressed at the folds by means of a paper-folder. + +The rules of politeness ought moreover to decide as to the expense of +postage. They require us to defray the expense of the letter if it is +written to distinguished persons, or to those of whom we ask any favor; +but it would be an incivility, and sometimes a want of delicacy, to do +it when we write to a friend, an acquaintance, or to persons of little +fortune, whose feelings we should fear to wound. We must therefore, in +order to save them the expense as well as to avoid dissatisfaction, +endeavor to make some excuse of business. + +Letters for new year's day, and other holidays, are usually written +beforehand, in order to arrive on the previous or very same day. This is +particularly required towards relations; for friends and intimate +acquaintances, the following week will do, and for other persons, any +time within the month. + +It is as indispensable to answer when you are written to, as when you +are spoken to, and the indolence which so many correspondents allow in +themselves, in this respect, is an incivility. And if after all they +decide to answer, they begin by apologies so constantly renewed, that +they become common-place. We must use much care that these excuses may +not be ridiculous. Conciseness, and some new terms of expression, are, +in this case, indispensable. The same observation is applicable in +making use of reproving terms. + +Letters supply the place of visits, as we have seen, in bestowing +presents, or on occasions of marriages, funerals, &c.; to neglect to +write in a similar case, is gross impoliteness. + +Two persons should not write in the same letter, by one writing upon the +first, and another upon the second leaf, except we are intimate with the +correspondent. The same is applicable to postscripts. It is not +allowable, except to familiar friends, to use expressions borrowed from +foreign languages, as for instance the phrase of the Italians, _I kiss +your hands_, &c. The language of men who write to ladies ought always to +have a polish of respect, with which the latter might dispense in +answering. Except on occasions of great ceremony, a lady ought not to +address to a man such phrases as, _I have the honor to be_, &c. while +the latter should use the most respectful terms, as _Deign, madam, to +allow me_; _allow me the honor of presenting you my respects_, &c. + +You may use a lofty style towards persons to whom you owe respect; on +easy, trifling, or even jesting style, towards a friend; and a courteous +style towards ladies generally. You should not write in a trifling style +to persons of a higher standing. It sometimes happens that a man of +superior rank honors with his friendship a man of lower condition, and +is pleased that the latter writes to him without ceremony. In this case +we may use the privilege which is given us; but we must take care not to +abuse it, and to make known from time to time that we are ready to +confine ourselves within respectful bounds. + +When you write upon any subject, consider it fully before putting it +upon paper, and treat of each topic in order, that you may not be +obliged to recur to any one again, after having spoken of another thing. + +If you have many subjects to treat of in the same letter, commence with +the most important; for if the person to whom you write is interrupted +while reading it, he will be the more impatient to resume the reading, +however little interesting he may find it. + +It is useful and convenient to begin a new paragraph at every change of +the subject. + +After having written _Sir_ or _Madam_ at the top of the letter, we +should not commence with one of these phrases; _Sir, madam --, your +sister, has written me, that_. We should say, _I understand by a letter +which madam --, your sister, has written me_. + +Take care also, when writing to a person worthy of respect, not to make +compliments to any one. But write to this third person whatever you wish +him to know. + +Titles of respect, as _Lordship_, _Majesty_, _Highness_, _Excellency_, +_Honor_, _Madam_, &c. ought never to be abbreviated, either in writing +to the persons themselves, or to any one who has acquaintance with them. + +Figures are used only for sums and dates; numbers of men, days, weeks, +&c. are to be written at length. + + +SECTION II. + +_Of the Interior and Exterior Form of Letters._ + +The interior form of a letter comprehends the titles and qualities of +persons to whom it is proper to give them; the more or less courteous +phrases which we use; the more or less respectful manner with which the +commencement and body of the letter are to be arranged; and the more or +less humble terms which we are to use for the signature, the address or +the superscription. + +The exterior form of a letter is what concerns the size of the paper; +the blank that we should leave between the _vedette_, (or line +containing only the name) and the first line; between the last line, the +appellation, and signature; the manner of folding the letter, and the +choice and mode of putting on the seal. + +In addressing the pope, we say at the top of the letter, _Holy Father_, +or _Most Holy Father_; and instead of _You_, we should say, _Your +Holiness_; to a prince cardinal, _My Lord_, and _Your Most Eminent +Highness_. + +To a cardinal, _My Lord_, and _Your Eminence_. + +To an archbishop or bishop, _My Lord_, and _Your Grace_. + +To an emperor or empress, we say, _Sire_, or _Madam_; and instead of +_You_, we say, _Your Imperial Majesty_. + +To a king we also say, _Sire_, and _Your Majesty_. + +To a queen, _Madam_, and _Your Majesty_. + +To the brother of a king, _Your Royal Highness_. + +To an elector of the empire, _Your Electoral Highness_. + +To a sovereign prince, _Your Most Serene Highness_. + +To a prince, _Your Highness_. + +To an ambassador or minister, _Your Excellency_. + +To the chancellor of France, _My Lord_, and _Your Lordship_. + +The title _Excellency_ is not given to ladies. + +Persons who have an exact knowledge of the language and usage of the +court, know what is the most proper manner of expressing themselves. We +will give some examples in which the different degrees of respect may be +readily perceived. + +'I have received the letter with which you have been pleased to honor +me.' + +'I have received the letter which you have done me the favor to write to +me, which you have done me the honor to write to me, which you have +taken the trouble to write to me.' + +There are some persons who commence their letters with these words; _I +have received yours of the 12th current_; this is a fault; we should +say, _your letter_. The first is the style of those people who, being +pressed with business, are obliged to make abbreviations; and we must, +in the common customs of life, beware of imitating them in this respect. +We may say the same in respect to persons who write at the top of their +letters, '_I_ have received _your honored letter_ of such a date;' or, +'in answer to _your honored letter_;' or, '_I write you these few +words_.' All these forms are objectionable. + +We should never repeat in the first sentence of a letter, the names _My +Lord_, _Sir_, or _Madam_, with which we began. But if we write to a +prince, or even to a minister, we should after the first line use the +words, _Your Majesty_, _Your Highness_, or _Your Excellency_, and repeat +them from time to time, in the course of the letter, if it is of some +length. + +As to the conclusion of a letter, we should not say simply, _I am_, +without adding some such phrase as these; _With the most profound +respect_; _with profound respect_, _with the highest regard_, &c. To +persons who have the title of _majesty_, _highness_, _eminence_, &c. we +say, _I am your majesty's_, or _your highness's_, &c. _very humble_, &c. + +The words _esteem_ and _affection_ are used only in letters to friends +or acquaintance, because they are too familiar; but when accompanied by +any words which relieve them, they do not offend one. As for example, we +can say, _I am with profound respect, and the highest esteem_, &c. + +The following forms may be used with elegance; + +Accept, Sir, the assurances of high consideration; be pleased to accept +the assurances, &c. + +Letters of petition or request should be in folio, that is to say, upon +a sheet of paper in its full size; the margin should be half the breadth +of the page; the spaces and blanks which we ought to leave between the +upper edge of the paper and the _vedette_,[16] and between the _vedette_ +and the first line, are very different, according to the degree of +inferiority or superiority. The greater these spaces are, the more +respect do they indicate. The first line ought always to begin below the +middle of the page, when we write to a person to whom we owe much +respect; but the second page should begin one line below the _vedette_. +A blank space should always be left between the last words of the +signature, and the lower edge of the paper. If there should not be +sufficient room, it would be better to carry one or two lines over to +the succeeding page, than to fail in this respect. + +For a familiar letter, it has become fashionable to leave no margin at +all. It is, however, in these letters only that margins can be useful, +namely, in receiving a vertical line when all the paper is filled. + +The date of a letter may be put at the beginning when we write to an +equal; but in writing to a superior, it should be at the end, in order +that the title at the head of the letter may be entirely alone. In +letters of business, on the contrary, it is necessary to date at the top +and on the first line, that persons may know conveniently, the +chronological order of their communications. + +The date is often necessary to the understanding of many passages of +your letter, or to explain the sense of one which your correspondent may +have received at the same time from another person. + +In a simple billet, we put the date of the day, _Monday_, &c. It is well +sometimes to add the hour. + +Every letter to a superior ought to be folded in an envelope. It shows a +want of respect to seal with a wafer; we must use sealing-wax. Men +usually select red; but young ladies use gilt, rose, and other colors. +Both use black wax when they are in mourning. Except in this last case, +the color is immaterial, but not the size, for very large ones are in +bad taste. The smaller and more glossy, the better _ton_ they are. +Although sealing-wax is preferable, still we must sometimes avoid using +it; it is when we are afraid that the seal may be opened. + +When the letter is closed with or without an envelope, we put only a +single seal upon it; but if the letter is large, we use two. Moreover, +if it contains important papers, it should have three seals or more, +according to the nature of the envelope. If a person takes charge of a +letter as a favor, it would be very impolite to put more than one seal +upon it. If the letter should be folded in such a manner that by partly +opening it at the end, its contents may be read, it would be equally +impolite to put a little wax upon the edges. We can use this precaution +only when the letter is sent by the post or by a domestic. + +When we use no envelope, and the third page of the letter is all written +upon, we should leave a small blank space where the seal is to be put; +without this precaution, many very important words will be covered. + +We should not seal a letter of respect with an antique device. It is +more polite to use our coat of arms or cipher. + +Persons of taste, who have no coat of arms, adopt a seal bearing some +ingenious device, in keeping with their profession, sentiments, &c. + +A letter which is to be shown, as a letter of introduction or +recommendation, ought never to be sealed, since the bearer ought +necessarily to know the contents. But to seal it without having first +allowed the bearer to read it, would be very impolite. You should prove +to the person recommended, that you have spared no pains to render him a +service. + +It is only conscripts, and peasants, who fold a letter like an +apothecary's packet, who omit to press the wafer with a seal, or secure +it by pricking it in every part with the point of a pin. + +We never seal petitions which are to be presented to the king, and to +the members of the royal family. + +Some distinguished persons are flattered in writing to them, by our +omitting to designate precisely their address. It is an error; we should +indicate with exactness the town, and the province, state, &c. if there +is more than one town of the same name. In a large city, it is well to +write the name of the street and number, and the quarter of the city +where the street is. People of business, abbreviate this by putting N +and the number, or the number alone; this practice is more expeditious +than polite. + +We generally address a letter to one person only; but in certain cases +we may address to two or more collectively. + +It is well to add to the name, the title or profession, in order to +prevent mistake. However, if circumstances have obliged any one of your +acquaintance to act in an inferior situation, it would be a want of +delicacy to join to his name that of his business. + +When we write to the king, we put simply in the address, _To the King_. +To foreign kings we say, _To his Catholic Majesty_, _his Britannic +Majesty_, &c. + +To persons who have the title of highness, we say, _To his Highness_, +and then their quality or rank. To ministers and ambassadors, we say, +_To his Excellency, the Minister_, or _Ambassador_. If a person has many +titles, we select the highest, and omit the others. + +In billets, we put the date at the top of the paper, and begin the +letter about two inches below. The word _Sir_ is put in the first line. +We conclude with one of these phrases, _I am, Sir, yours_; _I am +entirely yours_, &c. We do not write a billet to ladies, or to +superiors, as this was introduced only to avoid ceremony. + +The most familiar billets are written in the third person, contrary to +the common practice. They contain very little, and begin thus, _Mr._ or +_Madam N present their respects_, or _compliments, to Mr. Such-a-one, +and request_, &c. After having made the request, we end with, _and he +will oblige his humble servant_. + +In this kind of billets, it is best not to use the pronoun _he_ or +_she_, for independently of the incivility, it might result in +confusion. Sometimes it would be difficult to know whether the pronoun +referred to the person who received the letter, or to the one who wrote +it. + +I shall conclude this chapter by an observation relative to friendly and +familiar letters; not that I have the folly to pretend to regulate by +any ceremonial, the sentiments of the heart; but there is in reality +nothing more cold and ridiculous, than accumulations of epithets like +these, _Your tender, sincere and constant friend_, &c. + + [16] See page 137. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +_Additional Rules in respect to the Social Relations._ + + +I include under this name, everything relating to friendly attentions, +such as services, loans, presents, advice, and also things in relation +to discretion, such as respect in conversation, letters, secrets, +confidential communications, &c. + + +SECTION I. + +_Of an Obliging Deportment._ + +Polite persons are necessarily obliging. A smile is always on their +lips, an earnestness in their countenance, when we ask a favor of them. +They know that to render a service with a bad grace, is in reality not +to render it. If they are obliged to refuse a favor, they do this with +mildness and delicacy; they express such feeling regret, that they still +inspire us with gratitude; in short, their conduct appears so perfectly +natural, that it really seems that the opportunity which is offered them +of obliging us, is obliging themselves; they refuse all our thanks, +without affectation or effort. + +This amiable character, a necessary attendant of perfect good breeding, +is not always found with all its charms, in the world. There are +besides, some obliging persons, who force us to extort their services, +who feel of great consequence, who like to be supplicated and thanked to +excess. Do not imitate them: they make us ungrateful in spite of +ourselves, they make gratitude a pain and a burden. When one asks of you +any favor, reply kindly, "I am at your service, and shall be very happy +to render you any assistance in my power;" or else, with a sad manner, +lament that there is such an obstacle, &c. Then examine the means of +overcoming the obstacle, even if you should be assured beforehand that +none exists. + +Other persons, pretending to be polite, make protestations of their +services and zeal, without taking the trouble to abide by their offers +when an occasion is afforded them: so great is their trifling in this +respect that they can be justly compared to those false heroes who are +always talking of fighting, and who would be put to flight at the sight +of a drawn sword. These indications of zeal are suspicious, when they +are employed every moment and without any reason; a knowledge of the +world teaches us to discern them, and to give them that degree of +confidence which they merit. Sometimes we can congratulate persons, +wish them well, and have the appearance of taking an interest in the +recital which they are making of their affairs, without really feeling +the least interest for them. We cannot always command our indifference +in this respect, but we are obliged to spare them that constraint and +ennui, which would infallibly be shown if we should manifest to them the +coldness which they inspire. It belongs to those persons who know the +world, not to confound this politeness, with the pretended zeal of the +Don Quixottes of the drawing-room, of whom we have spoken above. + +In order that a service may be completed, it is necessary that it should +be done quickly, nothing being more disobliging than tardiness, and the +alternative, which you place a person in, either of addressing to you +new solicitations, or of suffering by your delay. Your tardy assistance +may perhaps be prejudicial, for one would suffer a long time before +resolving to importune you anew. + +Make use then of despatch. If any circumstances prevent you from acting, +inform the person, apologise, and promise to make reparation for your +neglect. On his part, the person who is under the obligation to you, +should be careful of using a single term of reproach and of accosting +you with an air of dissatisfaction. + +When any one who is visiting you has need of a shawl, a handkerchief, a +hat, offer it with a complaisant zeal, resist the refusal which is made +(and which propriety does not require) select the best you have, in +short, urge the persons not to be in haste to return the articles. If it +is very bad weather, and the occasion a proper one, offer an umbrella or +your carriage. These things are returned the next day by a domestic, who +is charged to thank the person for them. If the articles are linen, they +should not be returned before they are washed. + +When a lady has borrowed ornaments of another, as for instance, jewels, +the latter should always offer to lend her more than are asked for: she +ought also to keep a profound silence about the things which she has +lent, and even abstain from wearing them for some time afterwards, in +order that they may not be recognised. If any one, perceiving they were +borrowed, should speak to the person of it, he would pass for an +ill-bred man. If the borrower speaks to you of it, it is well to reply +that nobody had recognised them. All this advice is minute, but what +kind will you have? it concerns female self-esteem. + +One species of borrowing which is of daily occurrence, and happens very +often to the loss of the owners, is the borrowing of books. Persons are +so wanting in delicacy on this subject, that those who have a passion +for books, and who are very obliging in other respects, are forced to +refuse making these troublesome loans. The case, however, is a very +perplexing one; we cannot say, _I am not willing to lend you this work_; +but if the borrower is a suspicious person, we can say we have occasion +to use it, that we regret it very much, but that we will lend it to him +in a few days. However, we do not lend it at all. + +Well-bred persons do not make a bare request for a book; they wait until +it is offered, and then they accept the offer hesitatingly; they find +out the length of time they can keep it, and return it punctually at the +appointed day. In order to prevent every accident, they cover it with +cloth or paper, since the favor should render them more careful than the +value of the book; they also take care not to turn down the leaves, or +make marks, marginal notes, &c. + +If any accident happens to a borrowed article, we must repair the loss +immediately. I shall not speak of more important loans, which are out of +the range of politeness. + + +SECTION II. + +_Of Presents._ + +In the eyes of persons of delicacy, presents are not of worth, except +from the manner in which they are bestowed; in our advice, then, let us +strive to give them this value. + +Presents are offered first to relations and to friends; and they occur +under different circumstances; on our arrival at a place from which we +have been absent for a long time; when our intimate friends leave the +town in which we reside; on our return from a journey, particularly to +the capital; in remarkable and remote countries; on birth days, or days +of baptism, or new year's day. + +But this day is not the only occasion of exchanging presents in a +family, it is also an occasion for recollecting services and civilities; +of making our respects to ladies, to superiors whom we wish to honor. It +moreover offers us a delicate means of succoring the unfortunate. + +Secondly, at harvest time, if one owns land, in the hunting season, if +one is a hunter, it is in good _ton_ to send to our intimate friends, +fine fruits, rare flowers, or some choice articles of game. + +The most delicate presents are the productions of our own industry; a +drawing, a piece of needle work, ornamental hair-work, &c. But such +offerings, though invaluable among friends, are not used on occasions of +ceremony. + +Next to fitness of time for presents, comes fitness in the selection of +them; generally, luxury and elegance ought to reign in the latter; but +this rule has numerous exceptions: and although it would be out of place +to offer things purely useful (to which certain incidents would give the +appearance of charity) still we should be in an error to suppose that a +present is suitable, which is brilliant alone. It must by all means be +adapted to the taste, age, and professions of persons, and their +connexions with us. Thus to superiors, you offer fruits, game, &c. to a +student, books;[17] to a friend of the arts, music, or engravings; to +young married ladies, delicate and graceful articles of the toilet, &c. + +Presents should excite surprise and pleasure, therefore you ought to +involve them in a mystery, and present them with an air of joyful +kindness. + +When you have made your offering, and thanks have been elicited, do not +bring back the conversation to the same subject; be careful, +particularly, of making your gift of consequence. On the contrary, when +its merit has been extolled, when the persons who have received the +present, have evinced a lively satisfaction, say that the gift receives +all its value from their opinion of it. + +However slight charm a present may have, or if even insignificant, we +should be ill-bred not to manifest much pleasure in receiving it. It is +besides, necessary, when an opportunity offers, to speak of it, not to +fail of saying to the donor, how useful or agreeable his present is to +you. In proportion as a long space of time has elapsed, this attention +is the more amiable; it proves that you have preserved the object with +care. And this reminds me, that we should never give away a present +which we have received from another person, or at least that we should +so arrange it, that it may never be known. + +It is well to mingle with our manifestations of gratitude, some +exceptions to the high value of the gift, but not to dwell a long time +on the subject, or to exclaim about it with earnestness. Under some +circumstances, these declamations may seem dictated by avarice and a +want of delicacy; they are besides in bad taste at all times. + +We often make a present to some one through his children or wife, +especially on new year's day, when it is the custom to present at least +confectionary to the young families of one's acquaintance. At Paris, we +make such presents to married ladies; in the provincial towns, we do +not. Above all, when one has received a present of some value, he calls +upon the person who gave it, or, if the distance is great, addresses to +him a letter of thanks. Every one knows that custom requires us to make +a remuneration of a proportionate value, to the domestic who is the +bearer of the present. + + + [17] It is not polite, when the presents are pamphlets, to offer + those of which you have cut the leaves. + + +SECTION III. + +_Of Advice._ + +Advice is a very good thing, it is true; it is however a thing which in +society is the most displeasing. A giver of advice, who is incessantly +repeating, _If I was in your place, I should do so and so_, repels every +one by his pride and indiscretion. Such an impertinent person should +know, that he ought not to give advice without he is asked, and that the +number of those who ask it is very limited: we are not, however, +speaking here of gratifications of vanity, but of that advice, the +kindness and affection of which, gives it a claim to our attention. It +is necessary to use much reserve and care, because otherwise you would +seem to have a tone of superiority which would array the self-esteem of +your friend against your wisest counsels. Of the forms of modesty, no +one in this place is superfluous: we may say, "It is possible that I +am mistaken, I should be far from having the courage to enquire of +you," &c. + +If a person makes any objections, do not say, _You do not understand +me_, but, _I have not expressed myself properly_. + + +SECTION IV. + +_Of Discretion._ + +The duties of discretion are so sensibly felt by persons of good +breeding, that they do not violate them except through forgetfulness. It +will be enough then to make an enumeration of them, without intending to +point out their necessity. + +Discretion requires in the first place, respect with regard to +conversation. If, when we enter the house of any one, we hear persons +talking in an earnest manner, we step more heavily, in order to give +notice to those who are engaged in the conversation. If, in an assembly, +two persons retire by themselves to speak of business, we should be +careful not to approach them, nor speak to them until they have +separated. + +People who have lived a little in the world, know how essential it is +not to mingle with curiosity in the business of persons whom we visit; +nor are they ignorant what conduct is to be observed in case we surprise +persons by an unexpected call; but young persons may not know, and I beg +them to give their attention to it. + +When we see a person occupied, we retire, or at least make signs of it; +if they should detain us, we step aside, and appear to be examining a +picture, or looking out of the window, in order to prove that we take no +notice of what engages them. But the desire to find for ourselves some +such occupation, ought not to lead us to turn over the leaves of books +placed upon the chimney-piece or elsewhere; to run over a pamphlet; or +to handle visiting cards, or letters, even though it be only to read the +superscription. If the person visited should be opening a closet or +drawers, it would be rude curiosity to approach in order to see what was +contained there. If, among a number of valuable things, they take one to +show you, be satisfied with looking at that alone, without appearing to +think of the others. + +If, before the person visited comes in, we should see another visitor, +who, to pass the time, should take a journal or a book from his pocket, +it would be extremely impolite to read over his shoulder, and equally +uncivil to read what a person is writing. + +It is not allowable to take down the books from a library; but we may, +and we even ought to read the titles, in order to praise the good taste +which has been shown in the choice of the works. + +If it happens that any one exhibits to a circle some rare and valuable +object, do not be in haste to ask for it, or to take it by reaching out +your hand; wait modestly until it comes to you; do not examine it too +long when you have it, and if by chance any ill-bred person requests it +before you have seen it, do not detain it; it is better to suffer this +small privation than to pass for a badly educated virtuoso. + +However insignificant the boasted object may be, never criticise it; if +your opinion is asked, answer a few words of praise; if the thing is +really curious, abstain from exaggerated compliments. + +To violate the secresy of letters, under any pretext whatever, is so +base and odious, that I dare not say a word about it; I think, I ought +to say, that it is also very reprehensible to endeavor to read any part +of a letter folded in such a manner as to be partly open at the ends; +and when a certain passage in a letter concerning yourself is handed you +to read, you should put your finger below it in order not to read +anything more; and if you are allowed to add anything in a letter, have +the discretion not to cast your eyes over the rest, and be expeditious +so as to avoid the suspicion that you take advantage of the +circumstance. + +Politeness is also opposed, in certain cases, to a too great haste to +know anything relating to ourselves. For example, if a person brings you +a letter, you should not be in a hurry to open it, but see whether the +letter concerns the bearer at all, or only yourself. In the first case, +you should open it, and read it while he is present; in the other case, +you should lay it aside. + +Politeness does not, however, impose such restraints upon curiosity in +small things, and leave us free in important ones. Thus, we shall not +say that we ought religiously to keep a secret, and that confidence +received is a sacred deposit; but we shall say to persons who have +curiosity to know any private circumstance, that they ought to be filled +with shame if they do not desist all importunity as soon as they hear +the word, _it is a secret_. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +_Of Travelling._ + + +This chapter, although only accessory, and but remotely connected with +the social relations, should be added here; as we do not wish to make +any voluntary omission, and, besides, if in travelling, the duties of +politeness are less numerous, they are not, therefore, less obligatory. + +Persons about to travel, ought to make visits of taking leave among +their acquaintances, of whom they should ask if they have any commands +for them. It would be indiscreet, unless in case of perfect intimacy, to +accept this offer, or to ask them to take charge of such or such a +thing, especially if it is a packet; if persons are very intimate, we +may request them to let us hear of their arrival. + +Before their departure, the names of passengers are entered in the order +of their numbers, at the public coach offices. After this, each one +takes the place assigned him. Politeness, however, requires that a man +should offer his seat to a lady who is less well accommodated; for it +would be improper that he should be seated upon the back seat, while +she should be seated upon the front one. Some persons cannot bear the +motion of a coach when they ride backwards; and this manner of riding +incommodes them extremely. Polite travellers will take pleasure in +relieving them from this trouble. Ladies, on their part, ought not to +require too much, nor put to too severe a test the complaisance of +gentlemen. The latter, however, should at every stopping place, +attentively help them alight, by offering the hand, and directing their +feet on the step of the coach. The same thing is necessary in assisting +them to get in again. It would appear badly, to take advantage of one's +superiority of rank, to consult his own convenience alone. It is +necessary on the contrary, for him to have great care not to incommode +any one, and to show every civility to his fellow travellers. + +Politeness in travelling is not so rigorous as in society; it only +requires that we should not incommode our companions; that we should be +agreeable to them; that we should politely answer their questions; but +it leaves us free to read, sleep, look about, or observe silence, &c. + +A traveller would be uncivil if he should open or shut the windows of +the coach without consulting the people who are with him; or, if he +should, without offering to them, take any light and delicate food, as +fruits, cakes, or confectionary, but which they do not generally accept; +and he would appear disagreeable, if, knowing the route, he should not +point out the beautiful sites, and satisfy any questions concerning +them; finally, he would deserve the name of an imprudent prater, if he +should converse with his fellow travellers as with intimate +acquaintances. + +On our return, we should carry or send the commissions which we have +received. Partial acquaintances, to whom we have offered only by +writing, to take their commands, should not expect a visit on our +return; this right belongs only to relations, friends, or intimate +acquaintances. + +Finally, all those for whom you have executed any commissions, owe you a +visit of thanks as soon as it can be done. + +If you travel on horseback, in distinguished company, give them the +right, and keep a little behind, regulating yourself by the progress of +your companions. There is one exception to this rule; it is when one of +the two horses is skittish, so that it is absolutely necessary that the +other should pass on first, that this one may follow. + +If you happen to be on the windward side, so that you throw dust upon +your companion, you should change your position. When we pass by trees, +the branches of which are about the height of the shoulders, the one +who goes first ought to take care that the branches, in going back to +their former situation, should not strike with violence against the +person who follows. + +If you are passing a large stream, a small river, or a muddy pool, by +fording, it is polite to go first; but if we have not taken precautions, +and fall in the rear, we ought to keep at a distance, so that the +horse's feet may not spatter the water or mud upon the gentleman before +us. If your companion gallops his horse, you should never pass him, nor +make your horse caper, unless he signifies that it is agreeable to him. + + + + +PART III. + +OF PROPRIETY IN RELATION TO PLEASURES. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +_Of Entertainments._ + + +Politeness ought, as we have seen, to direct and embellish all the +circumstances of life; but it is, if possible, still more necessary in +relation to pleasures, which, without it, would have no attraction. + +Without intending to adopt the epigrammatic style, I will say that +dining is almost an event, so many points of propriety have the master +of the house and his guests to observe. + +When we intend giving an entertainment, we begin by selecting such +guests as may enjoy themselves together, or at least tolerate one +another. If it is to be composed of gentlemen, there should be no lady +present, except the lady of the house. The dinner being determined upon, +we give out two or three days beforehand, verbal or written invitations. +During the carnival or other season of gaiety, it is necessary to do it +at least five days in advance, on account of the numerous engagements. + +When we receive a written invitation, we must answer immediately whether +we accept or not, although silence may be considered equivalent to an +acceptance. In the latter case, we should give a plausible reason of our +declining, and do it with politeness. When the invitation is verbal, we +must avoid being urged; for nothing is more foolish and disobliging; we +ought either to accept or refuse in a frank and friendly manner, +offering some reasonable motive for declining, to which we should not +again refer. It is not allowable to be urged, except when we are +requested to dine with someone whom we have seen only at the house of a +third person, or when we are invited on a visit or other similar +occasion. In the former case, if we accept, we should first leave a card +in order to open the acquaintance. + +Having once accepted, we cannot break our engagement, unless for a most +urgent cause. + +An invitation ought to specify exactly the hour of meeting, and you +should arrive precisely at that hour. The table should be ready, and the +mistress of the house in the drawing-room, to receive the guests. When +they are all assembled, a domestic announces that the dinner is served +up; at this signal we rise immediately, and wait until the master of +the house requests us to pass into the dining-room, whither he conducts +us, by going before. + +It is quite common for the lady of the house to act as guide, while he +offers his hand to the lady of most distinction. The guests also give +their arms to ladies, whom they conduct as far as the table, and to the +place which they are to occupy. Take care, if you are not the principal +guest, not to offer your hand to the handsomest or most distinguished +lady; for it is a great impoliteness. + +Having arrived at the table, each guest respectfully salutes the lady +whom he conducts, and who in turn bows also. It is one of the first and +most difficult things properly to arrange the guests, and to place them +in such a manner that the conversation may always be general during the +entertainment; we should as much as possible avoid putting next one +another, two persons of the same profession; for it would necessarily +result in an _aside_ conversation, which would injure the general +conversation, and consequently the gaiety of the occasion. The two most +distinguished gentlemen are placed next the mistress of the house; the +two most distinguished ladies next the master of the house; the right +hand is especially the place of honor. If the number of gentlemen is +nearly equal to that of the ladies, we should take care to intermingle +them; we should separate husbands from their wives, and remove near +relations as far from one another as possible, because being always +together, they ought not to converse among themselves in a general +party. + +The younger guests, or those of less distinction, are placed at the +lower end of the table. + +In order to be able to watch the course of the dinner, and to see that +nothing is wanting to their guests, the master and mistress of the house +usually seat themselves in the centre of the table, opposite each other. +As soon as the guests are seated, the lady of the house serves in +plates, from a pile at her left hand, the soup which she sends round, +beginning with her neighbors at the right and left, and continuing in +the order of their distinction. These first plates usually pass twice, +for every one endeavors to make his neighbor accept whatever is sent +him. + +The master of the house carves or causes to be carved by some expert +guests, the large pieces, in order afterwards to do the honors himself. +If you have no skill in carving meats, you should not attempt it; and +never discharge this duty except when your good offices are solicited by +him; neither can we refuse from his hand anything sent us. + +A master of a house ought never to pride himself upon what appears on +his table, nor confuse himself with apologies for the bad cheer which +he offers you; it is much better for him to observe silence in this +respect, and leave it to his guests to pronounce eulogiums on the +dinner; neither is it in good _ton_ to urge guests to eat nor to load +their plate against their will. + +I will now give a few words of advice to guests; puerile it may be, but +which it is well to listen to, and observe. It is ridiculous to make a +display of your napkin; to attach it with pins upon your bosom, or to +pass it through your buttonhole; to use a fork in eating soup; to ask +for _meat_ instead of _beef_; for _poultry_ instead of saying chicken, +or turkey; to turn up your cuffs while carving; to take bread, even when +it is within your reach, instead of calling upon the servant; to cut +with a knife your bread, which should be broken by your hand; and to +pour your coffee into the saucer to cool. + +Guests of the house of a distinguished personage are accompanied each by +his own servant, who takes his place behind his chair. They should not +address him during the entertainment, still less reprimand him. Before +placing themselves at the table, they ought to direct him to serve the +other guests also, and to retire as soon as the table is cleared, +because the domestics of the house ought to eat by themselves. + +During the first course, each one helps himself at his pleasure to +whatever he drinks; but, in the second course, when the master of the +house passes round choice wine, it would be uncivil to refuse it. We are +not obliged, however, to accept a second glass. + +When at the end of the second course, the cloth is removed, the guests +may assist in turning off that part of it which is before them, and +contribute to the arrangement of the dessert plates which happen to be +near, but without attempting to alter the disposition of them. From the +time that the dessert appears on the table, the duties of the master of +the house diminish, as do also his rights. + +If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or elderly person, +politeness requires him to save them all trouble of pouring out for +themselves to drink, of procuring anything to eat, and of obtaining +whatever they are in want of at the table. He ought to be eager to offer +them what he thinks to be most to their taste. + +It would be impolite to monopolize a conversation which ought to be +general. If the company is large, we should converse with our neighbors, +raising the voice only enough to make ourselves understood. + +Custom allows ladies at the end of an entertainment to dip their fingers +into a glass of water, and to wipe them with their napkin; it allows +them also to rinse the mouth, using their plate for this purpose; but, +in my opinion, custom sanctions it in vain. + +It is for the mistress of the house to give the signal to leave the +table; all the guests then rise, and, offering their arms to the ladies, +wait upon them to the drawing-room, where coffee and _liqueurs_ are +prepared. We do not take coffee at the table, except at unceremonious +dinners. In leaving the table, the master of the house ought to go last. +Politeness requires us to remain at least an hour in the drawing-room +after dinner; and, if we can dispose of an entire evening, it would be +well to devote it to the person who has entertained us. + +We should not leave the table before the end of the entertainment, +unless from urgent necessity. If it is a married lady, she requests some +one to accompany her; if a young lady, she goes with her mother. + +The question whether it is proper, or not, to sing at table, depends now +upon the _ton_ of the master of the house. We do not sing at the houses +of people of fashion and the high classes of society; but we may do it +at the social tables of citizens. In this case, we may repeat what has +been said and proved a thousand times how ridiculous it is to be urged +when we know how to sing, or to insist upon hearing a person sing who +has an invincible timidity. + +After dinner, we converse, have music, or more frequently, prepare the +tables for games. In the course of the soirée, the mistress of the house +sends round upon a waiter _eau sucrée_ or refreshing syrups. During the +week which follows the entertainment, each guest owes a visit to the +person who has invited them. We usually converse at this time, of the +dinner, of the pleasure we have enjoyed, and of the persons whom we met +there. This visit has received the cant name of the _visite de +digestion_. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +_Of Promenades, Parties, and Amusements._ + + +The paragraphs contained in this chapter concern the most common +relations of society. Complaisance and attentions ought therefore to +embellish and adorn these relations with all the delicate shades of +politeness. + + +SECTION I. + +_Of Promenades._ + +A young man who walks with an elderly person, undoubtedly knows that his +companion has not the same strength and agility as himself; he ought +therefore to regulate his pace by that of the old person. The same +precaution should be observed when we accompany a person of distinction +to whom we owe respect. Decorum requires that a gentleman should offer +his arm to a lady who walks with him; and politeness requires him to ask +permission to carry anything which she may have in her hand, as a bag, a +book, or a parasol (if the sun does not shine;) in case of a refusal, he +ought to insist upon it. + +If there are more ladies than gentlemen, we should offer our arm to the +oldest, and to a married lady rather than to an unmarried one. If we are +accompanied by two ladies, we cannot dispense with offering our arm to +each of them. + +Place your company upon that side which seems to them most convenient, +and beware of opposing their tastes or desires. When occasion presents +itself, offer seats to your companions to rest themselves, and do not +urge them to rise until they manifest a wish to continue their walk. If +they accept your invitation to sit down, and it happens that there are +not a sufficient number of seats, then the ladies should sit, and the +gentlemen remain standing. + +In a large public garden, chairs are seldom wanting; if it is necessary +to go for some to the place where they are kept, this is the business of +the gentlemen, who ought to take care not to place them before persons +already seated, for this would be an incivility. When payment for the +seats is called for, one gentleman of the company pays for the whole. It +would be impolite to offer to reimburse him. + +There is also a rule of politeness to be observed with regard to those +whom we meet in walking. We ought to offend neither their eyes nor their +ears. We must take care not to attract their attention by immoderate +laughter, nor allow ourselves liberties which we cannot take in a +private garden. To sing and skip about in walking, would expose us to +the hootings of the multitude, and to unpleasant things for which we +could only accuse our own folly. + +If you are in a public promenade, converse upon general topics, which +can offend no one, in order that your remarks may not be wrongly +interpreted by persons who happen to hear them. Beware on the other +hand, of listening to the conversation of those who are not of your +party. + +If you give your arm to a lady in the street, she ought to be next the +wall. And if by chance, you are obliged to cross over, you should then +change the arm. This deference is likewise due to all who are entitled +to our respect. Two gentlemen do not take one another's arms in the +street, unless they are young persons and intimate friends. + +We never go in advance of the lady whom we accompany, and if she stops, +we do so likewise, and remain with her in looking at whatever attracts +her attention. If a mendicant comes up to ask alms, we immediately draw +out our purse to satisfy his wants, so that the lady with whom we are +walking may not be importuned by him. + +If we walk in a private garden, and the company is numerous, we may +separate, and form distinct groups. If the master of the house or any +person of consideration, invite you to walk up and down the alleys, take +care to give them the right, it being the most honorable side. At the +end of each alley, and when you must retrace your steps, turn inside +towards the other person, and not outward, as you would thus present +your back to him. If you happen to be with two persons who are your +superiors, do not place yourself in the middle, for that is the place of +honor; the right, is the second, and the left the third place. + +Be careful also of the choice of places if you take an airing in a +coach, and yield the first seats to ladies and distinguished persons. +The one of most consequence gets in first, and places himself at the +right of the back seat; the left of the same seat is occupied next; +then, the third person seats himself on the front seat, facing the one +in the first place; the fourth person takes the remaining seat, facing +the one in the second place. If there is no servant, it is proper for +the gentlemen to open the door, arrange the packets, &c. + +In a cabriolet or chaise, the right side is for the one who drives when +there are only two persons. If there are three, the driver sits in the +middle, even although he may be very inferior to his companions. I may +add, that it is not customary for a lady to go alone in a hired +cabriolet, since she would then be in the company of the driver only. + + +SECTION II. + +_Of Parties and Amusements._ + +We shall have but few things to say upon the manner of conducting +one's-self in a party, for we should only repeat the advice we have +already given as respects propriety in the carriage of the person, in +visits, and in conversation. + +If a gentleman enters a drawing-room where there are more than ten +persons, he should salute all generally, by a very respectful +inclination of the head, and present his respects first to the lady of +the house, but converse at first only with her husband; gentlemen +usually stand in groups, while the ladies sitting, answer the salutation +by a similar one; we should remark that the ladies do not rise, except +in saluting one of their own sex. + +However distinguished a person may be, we do not allow conversation to +be disturbed by their coming. They listen for a few moments while +observing what persons are present, then mingle in the conversation, +without pretending at all to monopolize it. When conversation is not +general, nor the subject sufficiently interesting to occupy the whole +company, they break up into different groups. Each one converses with +one or more of his neighbors on his right and left. We should, if we +wish to speak to any one, avoid leaning upon the person who happens to +be between. A gentleman ought not to lean upon the arm of a lady's +chair, but he may, while standing, support himself by the back of it, in +order to converse with the lady half turned towards him. + +It would be extremely impolite to converse in a loud voice with any one +upon private subjects, to make use of allegories and particular +allusions which are understood only by the person with whom you are +conversing and yourself. It would be equally out of place to converse in +a foreign language, with any one who might be able to speak it. + +It is not proper to withdraw in the midst of any conversation, but to +wait until the subject in which you are engaged shall be finished; you +then salute only the person with whom you have been talking, and depart +without taking leave of any one, not even the gentleman and lady of the +house. + +The mind has need of recreations; it cannot be always occupied. Hence +the custom of passing a few moments in those family and social parties, +where we take part in the various amusements and games which have been +invented to relax and divert the mind. + +It is useless to observe here that we do not mean to speak of those +scandalous establishments in which are frequently swallowed up the +resources of families, and where a person, led by an unhappy passion, +may consume in one evening, enough to furnish an annual support for +fifty orphans; we design to speak only of those innocent games, in which +we are ambitious only of the glory of a triumph. To propose to play a +deep game would be to expose ourselves to contempt. For, those who +composed the assembly, would imagine that he who makes this request, has +no other object in view but to enrich himself at the expense of others, +and that he is accustomed to frequent those abominable houses of which +we have just spoken. + +We should have a bad opinion of a player who, when he gained, should +show excessive joy, and if he lost, should betray the least chagrin; for +he ought to remember that it is only for amusement that he plays. + +Conduct yourself without letting escape the least word of +dissatisfaction, and be pleasant even if you are unfortunate. + +When you leave off playing, converse with your adversary, and not seem +to avoid him, but especially never speak to him of his good luck in +playing, unless it be with a frank gaiety, for otherwise you would seem +to be inspired with anger. + +Play with fairness, and do not endeavor to see the hand of your +adversary in order to profit by it; pay attention to your game, and not +hold conversation with others. This inattention would render you +necessarily insupportable to those who play with you. + +If any play is contested, we should not discuss it with warmth, but +refer to disinterested persons, explaining to them with calmness and +politeness the point in dispute. + +In playing, we must always preserve an even temper; neither should we +devote too much time to it, for then this amusement would become +irksome, and would soon be changed to a fatiguing occupation. + +When the mistress of the house has prepared the tables for playing, she +takes as many cards as each game requires players, and presents them to +the persons present, beginning with the one whom she wishes especially +to honor. To accept a card, is considered an engagement to play. The +distribution of the players requires all the attention of the mistress +of the house, for there are some persons not to be desired for partners. +There are, besides, bad players, persons who being little accustomed to +playing, stop a long time to think, bite their lips, strike their feet +together under the table, drum upon the table with their fingers; +pretend that such a person being near brings them bad luck, and request +out of their turn to shuffle the cards, in order to change the luck, &c. + +The mistress of the house experiences, besides the embarrassment of +arranging these unlucky players, sufficient trouble in keeping from the +same table, those who have any antipathy to one another. + +When we commence playing, we salute, by an inclination of the head, the +persons with whom we play, as we deal to them the first card. Gentlemen +should collect the cards at the end of each hand, shuffle, and present +them to the lady who is to deal. + +We may, without impropriety, ask of any one if he plays such a game, +even if he plays well; and we may ask those invited to play, whom they +desire as partners. The most honorable set, namely, that in which the +mistress of the house plays, can never be refused, unless we are +unacquainted with playing. + + +SECTION III. + +_Little Sports and Games of Society._ + +Those sports, called innocent, generally please young persons of both +sexes, because they excite an interest, while they require an exercise +of the memory and of the mind. It is necessary, however, in this, as in +everything else, to manifest attention, delicacy, and propriety. We +ought not to endeavor to be noticed for our too great vivacity or +freedom. We should be satisfied with showing our talent at playing in +our turn, and taking part in the common gaiety, without pretension or +too great zeal. We should especially avoid throwing out any vindictive +remarks, bestowing misplaced compliments, or imposing forfeits which +would cause mortification. + +A young gentleman ought never to seize a young lady by the body, catch +hold of her ribband or bouquet, nor pay exclusive attention to the same +person. He should be agreeable and pleasant towards all. + +The selection of different games belongs to the ladies. The person who +receives the company, should be careful to vary them; and when she +perceives that any game loses its interest, she should propose another. + +There are almost always persons in society who wish to take the lead, +and give the _ton_; it is a caprice or fault which should be avoided. We +may modestly propose any amusement, and ask the opinion of others in +regard to it; but never pretend to dictate, nor even urge having our own +proposal accepted. If it does not please generally, we should be silent, +and resign ourselves with a good grace to the decisions of the majority. + +In these little sports, the penalties which are imposed, too often +consist in embracing the ladies of the company; but as they cannot +refuse, since you follow the rule of the game, take care to do it with +such propriety, that modesty may not be offended. + +Never prescribe any forfeiture which can wound the feelings of any one +of the company. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +_Of Balls, Concerts, and Public Shows._ + + +These amusements presuppose a fortune, and good _ton_; the practice of +society, therefore, and consequently a forgetfulness of the precepts of +politeness in respect to them, would be truly preposterous. + + +SECTION I. + +_Of Balls._ + +I was going to say, let us begin with private balls; but I recollect +that this denomination is no longer fashionable. We do not say, _a ball +at Madam such a one's_, but an evening party (_soirée_). Nevertheless, +when we wish to give a dance, we give the invitations a week beforehand, +that the ladies may have time to prepare articles for their toilet. + +If it is to be a simple evening party, in which we may wear a summer +walking dress, the mistress of the house gives verbal invitations and +does not omit to apprise her friends of this circumstance, or they +might appear in unsuitable dresses. If, on the contrary, the soirée is +to be in reality a ball, the invitations are written, or what is better, +printed, and expressed in the third person. + +A room appropriated for dresses, and furnished with cloak pins to hang +up the shawls and other garments of the ladies, is almost indispensable. +Domestics should be there also to aid them in taking off and putting on +their outside garments. + +We are not obliged to go exactly at the appointed hour; it is even +fashionable to go an hour later. Married ladies are accompanied by their +husbands, unmarried ones, by their mother or by a _chaperon_. These last +ladies place themselves behind the dancers; the master of the house goes +before one and another, procures seats for them, and then mingles again +among the gentlemen who are standing, and who form groups or walk about +the room. + +The toilet of all the assembly should be made with great care. A +gentleman who should appear in a riding-coat and boots, would pass for a +person of bad _ton_. + +When you are sure of a place in the dance, you go up to a lady, and ask +her if she will _do you the honor_ to dance with you. If she answers +that she is engaged, invite her for the next dance, and take care not to +address yourself afterwards to any ladies next to her, for these not +being able to refuse you, would feel hurt at being invited after +another. Never wait until the signal is given to take a partner, for +nothing is more impolite than to invite a lady hastily, and when the +dancers are already in their places; it can be allowed only when the set +is incomplete. + +A lady cannot refuse the invitation of a gentleman to dance, unless she +has already accepted that of another, for she would be guilty of an +incivility which might occasion trouble; she would besides seem to show +contempt for him whom she refused, and would expose herself to receive +an ill compliment from him. + +Married or young ladies cannot leave a ball-room or any other party +alone. The former should be accompanied by one or two other married +ladies, and the latter by their mother, or by a lady to represent her. + +We should avoid talking too much; it would occasion remarks and have a +bad appearance to whisper continually in the ear of our partner. + +The master of the house should see that all the ladies dance; he should +take notice of those who seem to serve as _drapery_ to the walls of the +ball-room, or _wall-flowers_, as the familiar expression is, and should +see that they are invited to dance. He must do this wholly unperceived, +in order not to wound the self-esteem of the unfortunate ladies. + +Gentlemen whom the master of the house requests to dance with these +ladies, should be ready to accede to his wish, and even appear pleased +at dancing with a person thus recommended to their notice. + +Ladies who dance much, ought to be very careful not to boast before +those who dance but little or not at all, of the great number of dances +for which they are engaged in advance. They should also, without being +perceived, recommend to these less fortunate ladies, gentlemen of their +acquaintance. + +In giving the hand for ladies' chain or any figures, those dancing +should wear a smile, and accompany it with a polite inclination of the +head, in the manner of a salutation. At the end of the dance, the +gentleman re-conducts the lady to her place, bows and thanks her for the +honor which she has conferred. She also curtsies in silence, smiling +with a gracious air. + +In these assemblies, we ought to conduct ourselves with reserve and +politeness towards all present, although they may be unknown to us. + +Persons who have no ear for music, that is to say, a false one, ought to +refrain from dancing. + +Never hazard taking part in a quadrille unless you know how to dance +tolerably. If you are a novice or but little skilled, you would bring +disorder into the midst of pleasure. Being once engaged to take part in +the dance, if the figures are not familiar, be careful not to advance +first. You can in this way govern your steps by those who go before you. +Beware also of taking your place in a set of dancers more skilful than +yourself. + +When an unpractised dancer makes a mistake, we may apprise him of his +error; but it would be very impolite to have the air of giving him a +lesson. + +Dance with grace and modesty; neither affect to make a parade of your +knowledge; refrain from great leaps and ridiculous jumps which would +attract the attention of all towards you. + +In a private ball or party, it is proper to show still more reserve, and +not to manifest more preference for one lady than another; we should +dance with all indiscriminately, but we may, moreover, invite the same +lady more than once. + +In public balls, a gentleman offers his partner refreshments, which she +very seldom accepts, unless she is much acquainted with him. But in +private parties, the persons who receive the company, send round cake +and other refreshments, of which each one helps himself as he pleases. +Near the end of the evening, in a well regulated ball, it is customary +to have a supper, when the gentlemen stand behind the ladies who are +seated. + +In a soirée without great preparation, we may dispense with a supper, +but refreshments are necessary; and not to have them would be the +greatest impoliteness. + +The waltz is a dance of quite too loose a character, and unmarried +ladies should refrain from it in public and private; very young married +ladies, however, may be allowed to waltz in private balls, if it is very +seldom, and with persons of their acquaintance. It is indispensable for +them to acquit themselves with dignity and decency. + +I have spoken of _public balls_, in contradistinction to private ones, +and I might also have mentioned _balls by subscription_, for, in regard +to the public balls of Paris and other large cities, we have nothing to +advise our readers but to shun them. As to masked balls, it is an +amusement altogether to be condemned, except those of the Opera. Neither +should we appear there except in a domino. + +We should retire _incognito_, not to disturb the master and mistress of +the house; we should make them during the week, a visit of thanks, at +which we may converse of the pleasure of the ball and of the good +selection of the company. + + +SECTION II. + +_Of Concerts._ + +The proprieties in deportment which concerts require, are little +different from those which are recognized in every other assembly or in +public exhibitions; for concerts partake of the one and the other, +according as they are public or private. In private concerts, the ladies +occupy the front seats, and the gentlemen are generally in groups +behind, or at the side of them. One should observe the most profound +silence, and refrain from beating time, humming the airs, applauding, or +making ridiculous gestures of admiration. Very often a dancing soirée +succeeds a concert, and billets of invitation distributed two or three +days beforehand should give notice of it to the persons invited. + +When a lady is going to perform, it is good _ton_ for a gentleman to +stand behind the chair of the performer, and turn over the leaves +attentively, if he knows how to read music. + +We ought also after an invitation to a concert, to return a visit of +thanks. + + +SECTION III. + +_Of Public Shows or Spectacles._ + +One would be deceived if he imagined that there exist no rules of +propriety to be observed in public places, where persons assemble +together, and at theatrical exhibitions. There are some general +attentions which we should manifest to those persons whom we meet there. +It would be impolite to jostle continually, and in an importunate +manner, those near whom we are placed, to step upon the dress of a lady, +or run against those who are moving at a moderate pace. + +If you go with a party to a theatrical entertainment, one of the +gentlemen should carry the tickets to the door-keeper, in older to avoid +any embarrassment to ladies on entering; and when the box is open, they +should place them in the front row, according to their age, or the +consideration they deserve. Young persons should occupy the seats +behind, and avoid leaning over too much, to the incommoding of those who +are seated in front of them. + +Gentlemen should address themselves to the attendants at the boxes, make +them a compensation, and place under their care their hats, the cloaks +and other articles of dress of the ladies; but we must not hang them +over the boxes, whether it is a pocket-handkerchief, a tippet, or a +shawl, &c.[18] Nor ought a person to turn his back to the stage; for in +that case, he exposes himself to the derision of the pit, and to hear +disagreeable remarks. Then the eyes of all would be fixed upon you; your +imprudence would excite a disturbance, which would be troublesome to the +audience. + +When a spectator of kind feelings is affected at the sight of the +misfortunes which the heroes of the play suffer, or has his sympathy +touched by the virtues which are displayed, nothing can be more annoying +to him, than to have constantly at his side, a morose critic, who, +without mercy, finds fault with the finest parts of the performance, who +sees nothing to his taste, and changes into a place of fatigue and +ennui, resorts consecrated to amusement and pleasure. It is, moreover, +almost as ridiculous to place no bounds to our applause. + +When ladies enter a box where a gentleman is seated in front of them, +propriety requires that he should offer his seat, notwithstanding they +are strangers to him, and he should insist upon their taking it, even +after they have once refused. + +If the heat incommodes you, do not open the door of the box, without the +consent of those who occupy it. + +Be very reserved at the theatre, in order not to trouble those who are +near you, and maintain a profound silence when the actors are on the +stage, so as not to interrupt the attention of persons who take an +interest in the spectacle. + +It is improper to pass too positive and severe a judgment on the +performance, or the playing of the actors, whether to make a eulogium, +or to find fault with them. One may meet persons of a contrary opinion, +and engage himself in a controversy which it is prudent to avoid. + +Between the acts, gentlemen should ask the ladies if it is agreeable to +them to walk in the entries, the saloon, or to take refreshments. They +should also ask them if they wish for a journal of the theatre or play +bill, or an opera glass; and if bouquets are sold at the door of the +theatre, it would be proper and gallant to present them with one. + +As soon as you have arrived at the outer door of the theatre, if in a +carriage, you must take care to have your party all ready at the very +moment the carriage drives up. It is necessary to do the same thing, if +you send a porter to get a hired coach. + + + [18] In some of the theatres in Paris, this is however allowed.--_T._ + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +_Of the Duties of Hospitality._ + + +Those of my readers who from habit, or instinct, fear the least +appearance of constraint, and perhaps even in this work have found +lessons of politeness too strict, and have thought that civilization has +augmented them beyond measure, will without doubt apply the same remark +to the present chapter. But what in reality are these slight duties of +modern hospitality, in comparison to the rigorous ones of ancient times? + +When a billet of announcement has informed you, as is customary, that a +preceding invitation on your part will bring guests to your house, you +must begin and carefully arrange the apartment you intend for them. They +should have a good bed, a bureau, a fire in the winter, and everything +which can contribute to their comfort; a wash basin, water, glass +tumblers, a bottle of cologne, a sugar bowl filled, or rather a glass of +water prepared, several napkins, and everything which will contribute to +neatness, or elegance, ought to be placed in the apartment. + +These preliminaries being arranged, a little before the appointed hour, +we must go and wait upon our guests; a domestic should go with you to +bring their baggage to the house. You should embrace your friends and +congratulate them; express the pleasure you enjoy in receiving them, +inquire kindly about the incidents of their journey, and conduct them in +an earnest manner, and introduce them, by requesting them to make your +house their home; this finishes the second series of the duties of +hospitality. + +The third class of obligations, is assiduity to your guests; because +otherwise, it would seem to them, that their presence was troublesome. + +To you belongs the care of kindly offering to their view everything in +your house, in the city or in the country, which is interesting; of +making parties in honor of them, as dinner parties of their friends, or +such as it is presumed will please them; these are obligations of +hospitality which you cannot omit. When visitors show any intention of +leaving you, you ought affectionately to endeavor to retain them; +nevertheless, if their resolution seems immovable, you send to engage +their seats at the coach office; you offer them delicate refreshment, +and accompany them thither; then, taking leave of them, renew your +invitations for another visit, and your regret at not having been able +to succeed better in retaining them. + +To do the honors of one's own house, it is necessary to have tact, +address, knowledge of the world, and a great evenness of temper, and +much affability. It is necessary to forget one's-self, in order to be +occupied with others, but without hurry, or affectation; to encourage +timid persons, and put them at their ease; to enter into conversation, +directing it with address rather than sustaining it ourselves. + +The mistress of a house ought to be obliging, of an equal temper, and +attentive in accommodating herself to the particular tastes of every +one, especially to appear delighted that they are with her, and make +themselves perfectly at home. + +Guests, on their part, should show themselves contented and grateful for +the reception that is given them. They should, on departing, give a +generous remuneration to the domestics, and immediately after arriving +at home, write to the persons who have entertained them a letter of +cordial thanks. + +The duties of hospitality are of frequent recurrence, fatiguing and +troublesome, but they are an indispensable obligation. To omit them, is +to be willing to pass for a person of no education, and no delicacy, and +in short it is to place people in a most embarrassing and painful +situation. + + + + +PART IV. + +OF PROPRIETY AS REGARDS OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +_Of Marriage and Baptism._ + + +These two subjects have peculiar right to the precepts of politeness; +for the first is the closest of the social relations, and both furnish +occasions for the most brilliant fêtes. + + +SECTION I. + +_Of Marriage.[19]_ + +We usually make a profound secret of the preliminaries of marriage, +because, in case of its being broken off, we are afraid of malicious +interpretations; but, after the first words are exchanged, it is +necessary to make it known in confidence to a few intimate friends, and +those to whom we are under obligations. Afterwards, we give intelligence +of it by letter to our relations. + +A young man who solicits a lady in marriage, should be extremely devoted +and respectful; he should appear a stranger to all the details of +business which the two families discuss; he converses with his intended +particularly of their future arrangements, her tastes, the selection of +a residence, furniture, bridal presents, &c. Avoiding all misplaced +familiarity, he calls her _Miss_ until returning from church, on the day +of marriage; he accompanies her in all assemblies, and shows himself a +devoted suitor. + +When the banns of matrimony have been published, it is customary at +Paris for a bouquet-maker to come to adorn the bride, presenting her +with a bouquet. This attention requires a remuneration. + +The marriage is declared in two ways. We invite three or four days +beforehand persons of our acquaintance to assist in the nuptial +benediction, and we specify precisely the time and place where the +ceremony will be performed. As to the legal act, which is performed by +civil authority, we invite only witnesses and near relations. + +If a person is invited to assist at the repast or fête which follows the +marriage, we make express mention of it at the bottom of the letters of +invitation.[20] + +We simply communicate the fact of the marriage to those who have been +invited neither to the nuptial ceremony, nor to the entertainment. +Propriety requires that the person invited to the marriage ceremony +should come, or send an excuse if it is impossible to be present. A +simple letter of announcement to uninvited persons, requires only a +visit or two; the first of which is made by card. + +Presents are usually the preliminaries of a marriage: those which the +gentleman makes his intended wife, are called _wedding presents_; they +consist of different articles of the toilet, a set of diamonds, &c. Some +persons content themselves with sending a purse containing a sum of +money in gold, for the purchase of these things: the young lady then +spends it as she thinks proper. The married gentleman is moreover to +make a present to each of the brothers and sisters of his intended. + +The young lady, on her part, gives some present to her bridemaid: she +often presents her with a dress or some ornament, and she receives in +her turn from the other, a girdle, gloves, and a bouquet of orange +flowers. Since we have spoken of marriage presents, we will add that at +Paris the married lady must receive a gift from her sisters and cousins, +and that in the provincial towns, on the contrary, she must offer them +some token. + +We will now pass to the ceremony: after the celebration of the legal +act, which may be some days previous, the married couple, followed by +their parents, commonly go to the church in the carriages which +conducted them to the office where the legal act was performed; for at +Paris, whatever situation in life the parties may be in, they never go +on foot. The married lady goes in one carriage with her relations and +the bridemaid; the gentleman in another carriage with his father and +mother, or his nearest relatives. + +The acquaintances of the two married persons, repair to the church at +the appointed hour; the friends of the gentleman place themselves on the +right, those of the lady on the left hand, on seats prepared beforehand. + +The marriage train then advances in the following order; the lady gives +her hand to her father, or to one who represents him; then comes the +gentleman with his mother, or the lady who represents her, and +afterwards the members of the two families follow in couples. + +When the couple and their relations approach the altar, each of the +persons present bows to them in silence; the relations place themselves +in the same order as the acquaintances, and before the latter, in the +front row, which should be reserved for them. The couple to be married +are placed in the middle. Although it is polite always to present the +right hand to the lady whom we conduct, or to give her the right when we +are next her, yet the bridegroom takes the right of the bride, because, +in this act, which is at once religious and civil, man ought to preserve +the prerogative which the law both human and divine have conferred upon +him; besides, as the bridegroom is to place the nuptial ring on the +finger of the bride, it is more convenient for him to be upon the right +hand than the left. + +When the clergyman puts the questions to them, each should consult their +relations by a respectful sign of the head, before answering the +decisive _yes_. + +The veil is held over the head of the bride by two children whose +parents we wish to compliment. The business of the bridemaid who has +presided at the toilet of the bride, is to designate their places at +the religious ceremony in church; and afterwards, at the ball, is to +supply the place of the bride, who can take no active part; it is +usually one of her sisters or a most intimate friend who is chosen for +this purpose. + +The groomsman, for there should be one or even more, looks well to the +list of those invited to the ceremony, to see what persons are absent, +because it is the custom of married persons not to make the marriage +visit to any one who has been guilty of this impoliteness. + +The married gentleman must give presents to the attendants at the +church, the poor, &c. + +After the nuptial benediction, the married couple again salute the +assembly, and then receive the compliments of each one. There are some +families in a more humble situation, where the married lady is embraced +by all at the marriage ceremony; in those in a higher station in life, +she embraces only her father, her mother, and her new relations. + +The new husband gives his hand to his wife when returning from the +church; nevertheless at dinner he should be placed between his mother +and his mother-in-law, while his wife is to be seated between her father +and father-in-law. + +In case there is a supper, the married couple sit next each other. + +The married lady opens the ball with the most distinguished person in +the assembly; she retires privately, accompanied by her mother, and one +or more near relations whom they wish to compliment. + +The newly married couple make marriage visits in the course of a +fortnight, in a carriage, and in full dress. They should make these +visits alone. They leave their cards for those with whom they do not +wish to be intimate. + +Such are the received usages in the capital. In the provinces, many of +the old and common customs are preserved, as the gift of a laced shirt +bosom to the husband by his wife; wedding favors or ribbands for the +wife, ribbands of two colors with which they decorate the young persons +in the marriage suite, &c. + + + [19] The greater part of the marriage ceremonies here described, are + according to the usages of Catholic countries, but some of them + are applicable to our own; and it has been thought that it would + be interesting to American readers to retain the whole as in the + original.--_T._ + + [20] These letters are usually duplicates, for the invitation should + appear to be given by the parents of both the future couple. + + +SECTION II. + +_Of Baptism.[21]_ + +We must invite several months beforehand the godfather and godmother of +the child that is to be baptized. If the ties of blood have given you a +right to this onerous duty, you cannot dispense with it. If not, you +can seek a specious excuse. + +When one has consented to hold the infant at the baptismal font, he +should perform this duty in a becoming manner, and according to his own +condition and that of the parents of the child. + +A present should be given to the mother, and this present usually +consists of confectionary. We must also give one to the godmother, a +pair of white gloves and comfits; if she is a young person, she commonly +receives a bouquet of white flowers in addition. If the godfather wishes +to show her any attention, he can add to the presents an elegant and +valuable object, such as a fan; but in that case it is good _ton_ for +the godmother to send in return some rich and tasteful present. She also +has the honor of giving to the child a cap, and often a baptismal robe. +To her also belongs the duty of putting the first dress on the child. + +The attendant and the nurse have also a present. + +The officers of the church, and the poor, should each receive a gratuity +proportionate to their condition. We simply put a piece of money into +the hands of the humbler persons; but we present the clergyman with a +box of presents in which is enclosed a piece of gold or silver. + +Persons of a very high class in order to free their friends from these +expenses, send their domestics to present their children at the +baptismal font. This is a most unbecoming custom; it seems to consider +this holy consecration as a slavish ceremony, and destroys at its source +the sentiment of respect and affection, that a godson or daughter should +inspire in those who have adopted them before God. + +At whatever hour the ceremony is appointed, we go to the church in a +carriage at the expense of the godfather. He and the godmother pass in +first; then comes the infant borne by its nurse or a matron; then the +father, who accompanies the other invited persons. + +It is the custom in many houses to give, after returning from the +baptism, an elegant entertainment, of which the godfather and godmother +receive all the honor. Above all, they should give their godchild new +year's gifts while it is a child, and manifest their affection during +the whole of its life. + + + [21] Most of the observances which follow, as well as those in the + section on marriage, have more particular reference to the forms + of the Catholic and Episcopal churches.--_T._ + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +_Of Duties toward the Unfortunate._ + + +Propriety, the guide of all our relations, cannot remain a stranger to +the unfortunate; that which takes possession of all our sentiments, +cannot forget to pity. It is in this light that it is peculiarly +touching, that it is almost religious, since it even contributes to bind +closer this first, this powerful tie of humanity. + + +SECTION I. + +_Of Duties toward the Sick, Infirm, and Unfortunate._ + +When any one of your acquaintance is ill, you should regularly send a +domestic, to inquire after their health, every day, or every other day, +according to the virulence and nature of the disease. If there is +immediate danger, we should send to inquire even twice a day. From time +to time, you should send to know whether the sick person can see any +one, because in that case you must go and testify in person, all your +interest. You should continue to obtain information about their health +until their recovery or death. + +Our visits to the sick should be very short, silent, and reserved. We +should address to them words of interest in a low voice, and speak +softly to the member of the family who takes charge of them. We ask him +who is his physician, what is the treatment; we urge every motive of +consolation and hope; we ought hardly to reply to the questions the +person in attendance asks, with regard to our own health, or business, +and we retire reiterating the proofs of our interest. If the person is +convalescent or only indisposed, you address a thousand questions +concerning their complaints; you sympathize with them, praise their +patience, and describe to them the pleasant image of returning health. +You must be on your guard not to say that you find their features much +changed, that their recovery may be slow, &c. + +To speak these truths is very mal-apropos, and with reason; you would +pass for having an unfeeling heart, or, rather, a limited understanding. + +When sufferings and troubles assume a virulent aspect, and resist all +the efforts of medical skill, they are infirmities indeed, and a silence +the most absolute and rigorous with respect to them, should be +observed. + +Not only ought you never to speak to an infirm person of his misfortune, +but you should also carefully avoid mentioning any person who is +afflicted in the same way, and of thus alluding indirectly to his own +case. + +The only occasion when this is allowed, is where you can make it appear +to him that the comforts of which he is deprived are not so permanent +but that you have experienced similar inconveniences from the same +cause. Thus to a lame person, you might say that you yourself are +fatigued with walking, that your own legs are not firm, &c. If the +infirmity is not too visible, and the poor subject speaks to you of it, +assure him earnestly that you should not have observed it. If he +complains to you, offer him motives of consolation, and take care that +you change the subject of conversation before he does, for you might +make him think that you are importuning him about his malady. Finally, +do all in your power to comfort him. If he is afflicted with imperfect +sight, place objects near him, but without affectation, and without +having the air of making him think that he requires your assistance, +neither permit him to thank you. If he is troubled with deafness, you +must not speak unreasonably loud; bring back the attention of the +unfortunate person to the subject of your conversation by skilful and +delicate transitions, and not abruptly say to him, _We were speaking of +such a thing_. This is much trouble, perhaps you will say. Trouble to +console people! Why, you take more to please them! + +Persons who are reduced in circumstances, keep up in their misfortune +(at least in society) their habits of opulence; and to manage with such +persons requires not a little skill. + +If they invite you to their frugal repasts, if they offer you any +presents, let not the fear of occasioning them expense, induce you to +refuse with warmth, and with obstinacy; you would wound them deeply. +Accept them, and seek an opportunity of repaying with interest, these +proofs of their politeness. Do not speak to them first of their sad +situation; but if they introduce the subject themselves, receive their +confidence with a respectful and affectionate attention. Show how much +you are affected with that which grieves them, and without forgetting +discretion, endeavor, in appearance at least, to render them confidence +for confidence. + + +SECTION II. + +_Of Funerals and Mourning._ + +When we lose any one of our family, we should give intelligence of it to +all persons who have had relations of business or friendship with the +deceased. This letter of _announcement_ usually contains an invitation +to assist at the service and burial. + +On receiving this invitation, we should go to the house of the deceased, +and follow the body as far as the church. We are excused from +accompanying it to the burying-ground, unless it be a relation, a +friend, or a superior. If we go as far as the burying-ground, we must +give the first carriages to the relations or most intimate friends of +the deceased. We should walk with the head uncovered, silently, and with +a sad and thoughtful mien. Relations ought not, from considerations of +propriety, to give themselves up too much to their grief. You will owe a +visit to persons who have invited you, if you have not been able to +accept their invitation. If you have attended the ceremony, then they +are the ones that owe the visit. + +At an interment or funeral service, the members of the family are +entitled to the first places; they are nearest to the coffin, whether in +the procession, or in the church. The nearest relations go in a full +mourning dress. It is not customary at Paris for women to follow the +procession; and, nowhere do they go quite to the grave, unless they are +of a low class. A widower or a widow, a father or mother, are not +present at the interment, or funeral service of those whom they have +lost. The first are presumed not to be able to support the afflicting +ceremony; the second ought not to show this mark of deference. + +There are two kinds of mourning, the full and the half mourning. The +full mourning is worn for a father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, +husband, wife, brother and sister. It is divided into three periods.[22] +For the first six weeks, we wear only woollen garments; in the six weeks +following, we wear silk, and the three last months, we mingle white with +the black. + +Half mourning is worn for uncles, aunts, cousins, and second cousins. +The first fortnight we wear black silk, and the last week, white mixed +with black. + +Custom requires that a woman should wear mourning for her husband a year +and six weeks, while that of a widower is only six months. This +difference, which may appear singular, is founded upon reasons of +convenience and social relations. + +In the three first months of mourning for her husband, a woman wears +only woollen garments; the six first weeks, her head dress and +neck-kerchief are black crape or gauze; in the six following weeks, +they are white crape or linen. The next six months, she dresses in black +silk; in winter, gros de Naples; in summer, taffetas. Head dress, white +crape. The three last months, she wears black and white, and the six +last weeks, white only. + +The mourning on the death of a wife, is a black cloth coat without +buttons,[23] dark shoes, woollen hose, black buckles, and a sword-knot +of crape, if the person carries one. At the end of six weeks, we may +wear a black coat with buttons, black silk hose, silver buckles, and a +black ribband upon the sword. The half mourning of the three last months +is a black coat, a sword and silver buckles, white silk stockings, and a +sword-knot of black and white. + +It is altogether contrary to propriety to select for yourself at the +shops the articles of mourning, to have them made in your presence, or +to make them yourself; and, for a fortnight at least, and sometimes even +for the six first weeks, ladies ought not to sew, even while receiving +their relations and intimate friends, so much are they supposed to be +depressed by their affliction. + +During forty days we do not leave the house, except to go to church; it +would be very improper to visit, dine out, or go to any assembly during +the first mourning. When this time has expired, we make visits of +mourning, and go out a little more, but we cannot yet appear in public +promenades, at spectacles or balls; we cannot sing, even at home. It is +only at the time of half mourning that we resume by degrees our former +habits of life. + +For ten days at least, after the death of a very near relation, it would +be very reprehensible for people whose profession recalls ideas of +pleasure, as musicians, or dancing masters, to return to their +employment. + +In full mourning, we should wear neither curls nor perfumes. To be +present at a funeral, or even to look at one passing, are forbidden at +this time. Attending a funeral service, other than that of a relation, +is equally prohibited. Excepting during this period, it is impolite not +to attend when invited to the funeral service of your acquaintances. You +should appear there in mourning. At the funeral service, as well as at +the interment, the male relatives go first, and then those invited; the +female relatives go next, and are followed by other ladies. + +If we marry a person who is in mourning, we put on black the day after +our marriage; the time preceding is reckoned as if the mourning had been +worn. On the contrary, if we ourselves are married again at a time when +the death of a relation by our former marriage requires this sombre +dress, we leave it off immediately, since our new union annuls the +former alliance. + +Visits which are paid to persons in mourning, are called visits of +condolence. In making them, we observe silence, and never inquire about +their health; this would be out of place. A gentleman offers them his +hand, a lady embraces them, even though they are but slightly +acquainted. We refrain from conversing on too gay or personal subjects. + +If we are at a distance, we testify by letter our sympathy in the +misfortune which afflicts them. Their grief cannot excuse them from +answering us, but it is not immediately necessary. + +With this subject, we shall conclude our treatise of politeness; hoping +that, having arrived at this point, our readers may say, 'Without any +doubt the work is full and methodical;' we shall not dare to flatter +ourselves with more, but this is enough, for it is being sure that our +labor has been useful. + +We trust then that we have rendered an essential service to youth, in +making them acquainted with these rules, which have become so necessary; +in truth, politeness, on which at the present day we pride ourselves, is +a virtue which we ought never to renounce, since it gives to the +intercourse of life, that sweetness, pleasure, elegance and charm which +can be truly felt only by those who possess it. As the intellectual +Madam Lambert has said, 'Politeness is the desire of pleasing those with +whom we are obliged to live, and in a manner causing all around us to be +satisfied with us; superiors, with our respect; equals, with our esteem; +and inferiors, with our kindness.' + + + [22] Several of the particulars which follow, are not observed in + this country.--_T._ + + [23] It is not the custom among us to dispense with buttons.--_T._ + + + + +Transcriber's Notes + + +Inconsistent hyphenation retained as originally printed +(à-propos/àpropos, fire-place/fireplace, re-conduct/reconduct) + +Inconsistent and archaic spelling retained as originally printed +(visitor/visiter, every thing/everything, ancle, accessary, +bridemaid, inquiet, pantomine, secrecy, synonyme) + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Gentleman and Lady's Book of +Politeness and Propriety of Deportment, Dedicated to the Youth of Both Sexes, by Elisabeth Celnart + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40901 *** |