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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40901 ***
+
+  THE
+  GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S
+  BOOK OF POLITENESS
+  AND
+  PROPRIETY OF DEPORTMENT,
+  DEDICATED TO THE
+  YOUTH OF BOTH SEXES.
+
+  BY Mme. CELNART.
+
+
+  TRANSLATED FROM THE SIXTH PARIS EDITION,
+  ENLARGED AND IMPROVED.
+
+
+  BOSTON.
+  ALLEN AND TICKNOR,
+  AND
+  CARTER, HENDEE & CO
+  1833.
+
+
+
+
+Entered according to Act of Congress, the year 1833, by Allen and
+Ticknor, in the Clerk's office of the District Court of the District
+of Massachusetts.
+
+
+BOSTON: Kane and Co. 127 Washington Street.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE.
+
+
+The present work has had an extensive circulation in France, the country
+which we are accustomed to consider as the genial soil of politeness;
+and the publishers have thought it would be rendering a useful service
+on this side of the Atlantic to issue a translation of it.
+
+Some foreign visitors in our country, whose own manners have not always
+given them a right to be censors of others, have very freely told us
+what we ought _not_ to do; and it will be useful to know from
+respectable authority, what is done in polished society in Europe, and,
+of course, what we _ought to do_, in order to avoid all just censure.
+This object, we are confident, will be more effectually accomplished by
+the study of the principles and rules contained in the present volume,
+than by any other of the kind.
+
+By persons who are deemed competent judges in such a case, this little
+work has been pronounced to be one of the most useful and practical
+works extant upon the numerous and delicate topics which are discussed
+in it. We are aware, that a man can no more acquire the ease and
+elegance of a finished gentleman, by any manual of this kind, than in
+the fine arts he could become a skilful painter or sculptor by studying
+books alone, without practice. It is, however, equally true, that the
+_principles_ of Politeness may be studied, as well as the principles of
+the arts. At the same time, intercourse with polite society, in other
+words, _practice_, as in the case of the arts, must do the rest.
+
+The reader will find in this volume some rules founded on customs and
+usages peculiar to France and other countries, where the Roman Catholic
+religion is established. But it was thought better to retain them in the
+work, than to mutilate it, by making such material alterations as would
+have been occasioned by expunging every thing of that description. In
+our liberal and tolerant country, these peculiarities will give offence
+to none; while to many, their novelty, at least, will be interesting.
+
+    The Translator.
+
+_Boston, May 6, 1833._
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+
+  PART I.
+
+                                                                Page.
+  Introduction.
+
+  Of Propriety of Deportment, and its Advantages                xiii
+
+
+  CHAPTER I.
+
+  Of Propriety of Conduct in Relation to Religious Duties          1
+
+  Sect. 1. Of respectful Deportment at Church                   ibid.
+        2. Of religious Propriety in our Intercourse with
+               the World                                           6
+
+
+  CHAPTER II.
+
+  Of Propriety of Conduct in Relation to Domestic Duties           9
+
+
+  CHAPTER III.
+
+  Of Propriety of Conduct in Conjugal and Domestic Relations      12
+
+
+  CHAPTER IV.
+
+  Of Propriety as regards one's self                              19
+
+  Sect. 1. Of the Toilet                                        ibid.
+        2. Of Reputation                                          27
+
+
+  CHAPTER V.
+
+  Of Propriety in regard to one's Business or Profession          32
+
+  Sect. 1. Politeness of Shopkeepers and Customers              ibid.
+        2. Politeness between Persons in Office and the Public    38
+        3. Politeness of Lawyers and their Clients                39
+        4. Politeness of Physicians and their Patients            40
+        5. Politeness of Artists and Authors, and the deference
+               due to them                                        42
+        6. Politeness of Military Men                             46
+        7. Politeness of Ecclesiastics and Females of Religious
+              Orders; and the deference due to them               48
+
+
+  PART II.
+
+  OF PROPRIETY OF DEPORTMENT IN REGARD TO OUR SOCIAL RELATIONS.
+
+
+  CHAPTER I.
+
+  Of Deportment in the Street                                     50
+
+
+  CHAPTER II.
+
+  Of different kinds of Visits                                    59
+
+
+  CHAPTER III.
+
+  Of the Manner of receiving Visitors                             75
+
+
+  CHAPTER IV.
+
+  Of the Carriage of the Body                                     82
+
+
+  CHAPTER V.
+
+  Of Physical Proprieties in Conversation                         88
+
+  Sect. 1. Physical Observances in Conversation                 ibid.
+        2. Of Gestures                                            90
+        3. Of the Talent of listening to others                   92
+        4. Of Pronunciation                                       97
+        5. Of Correctness in Speaking                            100
+
+
+  CHAPTER VI.
+
+  Of the Moral Observances in Conversation                       104
+
+  Sect. 1. Of Formal and Vulgar Usages                          ibid.
+        2. Of Questions and frequently recurring Expressions     110
+        3. Of Narrations, Analysis, and Digressions              111
+        4. Of Suppositions and Comparisons                       118
+        5. Of Discussions and Quotations                         119
+        6. Of Pleasantry, Proverbs, Puns, and Bon Mots           121
+        7. Of Eulogiums, Complainings, Improprieties in general,
+               and Prejudices                                    125
+
+
+  CHAPTER VII.
+
+  Of Epistolary Composition                                      130
+
+  Sect. 1. Of Propriety in Letter Writing                       ibid.
+        2. Of the Interior and Exterior Form of Letters          136
+
+
+  CHAPTER VIII.
+
+  Additional Rules in respect to the Social Relations            146
+
+  Sect. 1. Of an obliging Deportment                            ibid.
+        2. Of Presents                                           151
+        3. Of Advice                                             154
+        4. Of Discretion                                         155
+
+
+  CHAPTER IX.
+
+  Of Travelling                                                  159
+
+
+  PART III.
+
+  OF PROPRIETY IN RELATION TO PLEASURES.
+
+
+  CHAPTER I.
+
+  Of Entertainments.                                             163
+
+
+  CHAPTER II.
+
+  Of Promenades, Parties, and Amusements                         171
+
+  Sect. 1. Of Promenades                                        ibid.
+        2. Of Parties and Amusements                             175
+        3. Little Sports and Games of Society                    180
+
+
+  CHAPTER III.
+
+  Of Balls, Concerts, and Public Shows                           182
+
+  Sect. 1. Of Balls                                             ibid.
+        2. Of Concerts                                           188
+        3. Of Public Shows and Spectacles                        189
+
+
+  CHAPTER IV.
+
+  Of the Duties of Hospitality                                   193
+
+
+  PART IV.
+
+  OF PROPRIETY AS REGARDS OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES.
+
+
+  CHAPTER I.
+
+  Of Marriage and Baptism                                        196
+
+  Sect. 1. Of Marriage                                          ibid.
+        2. Of Baptism                                            202
+
+
+  CHAPTER II.
+
+  Of Duties toward the Unfortunate                               205
+
+  Sect. 1. Of Duties toward the Sick, Infirm, and Unfortunate   ibid.
+        2. Of Funerals and Mourning                              208
+
+
+
+
+PART I.
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION.
+
+_Of Propriety of Deportment, and its Advantages._
+
+
+Propriety of deportment, or _bienséance_, is a happy union of the moral
+and the graceful; it should be considered in two points of view, and
+ought therefore to direct us in our important duties, as well as our
+more trifling enjoyments. When we regard it only under this last aspect,
+some contend that mere intercourse with the world gives a habit and
+taste for those modest and obliging observances which constitute true
+politeness; but this is an error. Propriety of deportment, is the
+valuable result of a knowledge of one's-self, and of respect for the
+rights of others; it is a feeling of the sacrifices which are imposed on
+self-esteem by our social relations; it is, in short, a sacred
+requirement of harmony and affection. But the usage of the world is
+merely the gloss, or rather the imitation of propriety: since instead of
+being like that, based upon sincerity, modesty and courtesy, it
+consists, in not being constant in anything, and in amusing itself by
+playing off its feelings and ridicule, against the defects and
+excellences of others, provided that this is done with grace, and is
+never carried so far as to wound the self-esteem of any one. Thanks to
+custom, it is sufficient in order to be recognised as amiable, that he
+who is the subject of a malicious pleasantry may laugh as well as the
+author of it. The usage of the world is therefore often nothing more
+than a skilful calculation of vanity, a futile game, a superficial
+observance of form, a false politeness which would lead to frivolity or
+perfidy, did not true politeness animate it with delicacy, reserve and
+benevolence. Would that custom had never been separated from this
+virtuous amiableness! We should then never see well-intentioned and good
+people suspicious of politeness; and when victims to the deceitful,
+justly exclaim with bitterness, _This is your man of politeness_; nor
+should we ever have made a distinction between the fixed principles of
+virtue, and what is fit and expedient. The love of good, in a word,
+virtue, is then the soul of politeness; the feeling of a just harmony
+between our interest and our social relations, is also indispensable to
+this agreeable quality. Excessive gaiety, extravagant joy, great
+depression, anger, love, jealousy, avarice, and generally all the
+passions, are too often dangerous shoals to propriety of deportment.
+Moderation in everything is so essential, that it is even a violation
+of propriety itself to affect too much the observance of it.
+
+It is to propriety, its justice and attractions, that we owe all the
+charm, I might almost say, the being able to live in society. At once
+the effect and cause of civilization, it avails itself of the grand
+spring of the human mind, self-love, in order to purify and ennoble it;
+to substitute for pride and all those egotistical or offensive feelings
+which it generates, benevolence, with all the amiable and generous
+sentiments, which it inspires. In an assembly of truly polite people,
+all evil seems to be unknown; what is just, estimable, and good, or what
+we call fit or suitable, is felt on all sides; and actions, manners and
+language alike indicate it. Now if we place in this select assembly, a
+person who is a stranger to the advantages of a polite education, he
+will at once be made sensible of the value of it, and will immediately
+desire to display the same urbanity by which he has himself been
+pleased.
+
+If politeness is necessary in general, it is not less so in particular
+cases. Neither rank, talents, fortune, nor beauty, can dispense with
+this amenity of manners; nor can any thing inspire regard or love,
+without that graceful affability, that mild dignity, that elegant
+simplicity, which make the name of _Frenchman_ synonymous with
+_amiable_, and make Paris dear, to whatever has understanding and
+taste. If all the world feels the truth of the verse which is now a
+proverb,
+
+    Cette grâce plus belle encors que la beauté,[1]
+
+every one also is sensible, that grace in conferring a favor, affects us
+more than the favor itself, and that a kind smile, and an affectionate
+tone, penetrate the heart more deeply than the most brilliant elocution.
+
+As to the technical part of politeness, or forms alone, the intercourse
+of society, and good advice, are undoubtedly useful; but the grand
+secret of never failing in propriety of deportment, is to have an
+intention of always doing what is right. With such a disposition of
+mind, exactness in observing what is proper, appears to all to possess a
+charm and influence; and then not only do mistakes become excusable, but
+they become even interesting from their thoughtlessness and naïveté.
+After the manner of St. Augustine, who used to say, _Love God, and then
+do what you wish_, we would say to those, just making their début in
+society, Be modest, benevolent, and do not distress yourself on account
+of the mistakes of your inexperience; a little attention, and the
+advice of a friend, will soon correct these trifling errors. Such a
+friend, I wish to be to you. In undertaking to revise, and almost
+entirely remodel, the _Manual of Good Society_, I have wished and have
+engaged to be useful to you. A more methodical arrangement of the work,
+more precise and varied details, in short, important applications to all
+conditions and circumstances of life, I venture to believe, will make
+this treatise worthy of its design.
+
+
+  [1] That grace, which is more beautiful than beauty itself.--_T._
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+_Of propriety of conduct in relation to religious duties._
+
+
+We have said, that propriety ought to preside over the sublimest
+instructions of morality, as it also regulates the gayest movements of
+pleasure. We proceed first, therefore, to consider religious deportment.
+
+
+SECTION I.
+
+_Of respectful deportment at Church._
+
+Religious sentiment is the great, perhaps the only difference which we
+find between man and other animals. However it may absorb you by its
+depth, exalt you with delight, or withdraw from you in misfortune, this
+mysterious and sublime sentiment ought always to command your respect.
+Therefore, without objecting to particular differences of worship, never
+enter a church without submitting to the requirements of religion.[2]
+Observe silence, or at least speak seldom, and in a low voice; uncover
+yourself; advance with a slow and grave step; stop, at the same time
+making an inclination of your body, if any ceremony engages the
+assembly. Whether the church be Jewish, Catholic, or Protestant,
+recollect, that in this place men honor the Creator of the Universe;
+that here they seek consolation in their troubles, and pardon of their
+sins.
+
+If you visit a church or any similar edifice, from curiosity, endeavor
+to do it out of the time of service. Contemplate silently the pictures,
+monuments, &c.; beware of imitating those vandals, who deface with their
+obscure and ephemeral names those monuments which are destined to endure
+for ages. Do not like them forget, that the only thing which you can
+expect is a smile of contempt from all enlightened friends of the arts.
+Do not wait till the keepers remind you of the remuneration due to their
+kindness in conducting you; offering it to them with your thanks on
+taking leave; and in order to this, be always provided with small
+change. The respect due to the place requires us to abstain from
+everything which resembles the cares of business.
+
+I have thus far spoken only the language of toleration, and of religious
+worship in general, but I am now going to use that of faith and
+devotion. Let the neatness and modesty of your apparel, and your
+discreet and respectful deportment, show that you perceive what is due
+to the house of God. Incline your body on entering; take the holy
+water;[3] then advance by the shortest way, and without precipitation,
+to the place which you are to occupy; if possible, do not change it;
+neither put yourself in the passage, nor carry the chairs to a distance;
+take two together, to avoid turning your seat as circumstances may
+require in the course of the ceremony.[4]
+
+If the services have commenced, place yourself in the rear, in order not
+to disturb those present by your coming. The same motive ought to
+prevent your going away before the end, except from pressing necessity.
+
+If you are accompanied by a lady to whom you owe deference, advance and
+present to her the holy water; prepare two chairs for her, and place
+yourself near. In leaving church, clear the passage for her; carry her
+prayer-book, present her again with the holy water, and hold the door
+open to let her pass. Indeed, these two last marks of politeness should
+be shown indiscriminately by well-bred people to any who happen to be
+near them, in entering or leaving the church. Kind regards towards our
+neighbors are a worthy accompaniment of devotion.
+
+If on a crowded occasion you have two chairs, it is well to offer one of
+them to those who have none; a man ought even to give up his own to a
+lady who might be standing. Every one knows that it is contrary to the
+sanctity of the place, to walk in a church as upon a public promenade;
+to convene there as in a private house; to cast on one side and the
+other looks of curiosity; to have a mien which displays uneasiness or
+weariness; to balance yourself upon the seat, or shake in an annoying
+manner that of the person before you; to carry with you dogs, packets,
+&c.
+
+During the sermon, it is necessary to endeavor to make no noise, and to
+bow with profound respect every time the preacher pronounces the sacred
+name of Jesus Christ.[5]
+
+Whether you give or withhold an offering to the mendicants of either
+sex, they should be answered by a kind salutation.
+
+It is entirely contrary to religious propriety to press forward, in
+going to the altar; you ought to wait in silence your turn, without
+trying to supplant those before you; however, should you have any urgent
+motives, you can make them known with mildness and politeness. Disputes
+which arise with regard to this, are at the same time an absurdity and
+impiety.
+
+When you take a place at the holy table, you should lay aside gloves,
+book, cane, &c. It is well for ladies to cover themselves with a veil
+half drawn; it is a mark of reverence as well as modesty.
+
+
+  [2] The directions which here follow, are obviously intended for
+      those who profess the Catholic religion; but most of them are
+      also applicable to other denominations of Christians.--_T._
+
+  [3] This refers to the usage in Catholic churches, in which the
+      consecrated or holy water is kept in a vase, appropriated to
+      the purpose, near the entrance and in other parts of the
+      church.--_T._
+
+  [4] These directions are more particularly applicable to Catholic
+      churches in foreign countries, where it is not the general
+      custom, as in the United States, to have pews. The whole floor
+      is an open area, and supplied with chairs; each person, during
+      service takes two, one of which he sits in, and places the
+      other before him to kneel upon. This custom of using chairs,
+      however, is not universal even in Europe; and the author
+      observes, in a note, that it were to be wished that in all
+      parts of France they would adopt the custom observed at Havre,
+      Dieppe, and other cities of Normandy, where, instead of having
+      chairs, the churches are furnished throughout with fixed seats
+      or benches, by which means the service is conducted with much
+      more order and decorum.--_T._
+
+  [5] This latter direction is more particularly applicable to
+      Catholic usage.--_T._
+
+
+SECTION II.
+
+_Of religious propriety in our intercourse with the world._
+
+If it is a fundamental principle of propriety of conduct not to wound
+any one in his self-esteem, his tastes, or interests, much more is it
+necessary to respect his religious opinions. To make sport of faith,
+that powerful, deep and involuntary sentiment, before which the law
+yields; to deliver to the pain of doubting, hearts just become pious and
+tranquil; to awaken a spirit of fanaticism and religious excesses; to
+cause one's self to be considered by some as an imprudent, by others an
+unworthy person, and by all as an enemy to politeness and
+tolerance,--are the sad results of raillery against religious
+observances, raillery, too, almost always dictated by a desire of
+showing off one's wit.
+
+These results take place without any exception; impious sarcasms in
+serious people constantly do injury; but they become still more
+revolting in the mouths of females, who, like angels, ought ever to show
+themselves lovely, pure, and free from passion; whom Bernardin Saint
+Pierre designates with much feeling and justice the _pious sex_.
+
+We ought not however to proscribe entirely delicate and happy allusions,
+or comparisons drawn from the sacred books, and made in a proper spirit.
+It is useless, I think, to adduce instances; suffice it to add, that
+rigor alone can reprove them, and that the occasion sometimes renders
+them very seasonable.
+
+As to religious discussions, they above all demand the most reserve and
+care, since without our knowledge conscience frequently becomes in them
+auxiliary to pride. If then you are unable to command yourself; if you
+do not feel enough of logical power, enough of grace, or at least of
+exactness of elocution, to contend with success, avoid controversies;
+avoid them through fear of committing, in the eyes of weak people, that
+religion which you defend, and of exposing yourself to lasting ridicule.
+But, whatever be the skill which you exhibit in eluding the arguments of
+your adversary, whatever be your triumph, and although your disposition
+should urge you, never turn a serious discussion into jest; from that
+moment you would lose all your advantages, and, although overthrown,
+your antagonist will recover himself with this just reflection, that
+'nothing is proved by a jest.'
+
+Finally, while you manifest on every occasion a sincere and profound
+respect for religion, beware above all things of making a proclamation
+of your piety. Avoid talking with those in your parish, about your
+confessor, and your religious observances. If you do not distinguish
+yourself from the crowd, they will take you for a hypocrite, or a person
+of small mind. If you recommend yourself, on the contrary, by superior
+merit, they will think that you take pleasure in showing the contrast
+which exists between your exalted talents and your humble faith. Between
+ourselves, would they be in the wrong?
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+_Of propriety of conduct in relation to domestic duties._
+
+
+Since we admit that there are duties of propriety relative to piety,
+there are also duties relative to filial piety, that other worship, that
+familiar veneration of the Deity, whom our parents represent on earth.
+The most sublime, the most touching marks of religion and of nature
+unite in commanding us to love and honor those from whom we have
+received life. We shall not offend our readers by supposing it requisite
+to insist upon the necessity of fulfilling a duty which is felt by all
+correct minds and all good hearts.
+
+The custom has prevailed of addressing the father and mother in the
+second person.[6] This mark of great confidence, and affectionate
+freedom, ought never to degenerate into an offensive familiarity. We
+ought always to address them in a respectful and kind tone; to
+anticipate them in every thing; to ask their advice; to receive their
+reproofs with submission; to be silent with regard to the errors they
+may commit; to show them a lively gratitude on every occasion; in short,
+whatever advantage you have over them, be careful to conceal it, and
+consider them always your superiors, your benefactors and your guides.
+
+Besides the daily marks of deference which we should show to our
+parents, there are other particular attentions for which our affection
+should seek every occasion. At certain periods, such as the new year,
+the birth day or day of baptism, we should offer them tender
+congratulations, or ingeniously devised presents. We are not allowed to
+dispense with these delicate attentions. If you have success in the
+sciences or arts, make appropriate presents to those from whom you have
+derived the benefits of your education.
+
+If you are separated from your father and mother, write to them
+frequently; let your style be impressed with a devoted affection; repeat
+more particularly at the end of your letters the sentiments of respect
+and of love with which you should be inspired.
+
+As to what your uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, and cousins require of
+you, you will know what are the duties of propriety in that respect, if
+you feel how dear family ties are; you will show towards some a
+respectful, and towards the others a friendly politeness. They should
+claim on every occasion your first visits and your first attentions; you
+should identify yourself with them in all their prosperity or adversity;
+invite them above all others to fêtes and meetings at your house, unless
+when you assemble a party on a special occasion, at which they would be
+entire strangers. You should always take care to invite your relations
+by themselves from time to time, to prove that you have no intention of
+slighting them. You may be more intimate with some of your family, and
+give them particular proofs of affection; but in these meetings you will
+do well to abstain from every act of preference.
+
+Without being at all wanting in cordiality, a little more ceremony
+should be used towards your relations by marriage, to whom you indeed
+owe as much respect as to your own relations.
+
+
+  [6] This is an allusion to the idiom of the French language, and is
+      inapplicable in English.--_T._
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+_Of propriety of conduct in conjugal and domestic relations._
+
+
+If any thing can render politeness ridiculous, and even odious, it is
+the disposition of certain persons, who in society are moderate,
+amiable, and gracious, but in private show themselves morose, rough and
+ill-natured. This fault, much too common, is one of the greatest
+inconsistencies of the human mind. You use all your exertions to please
+the world which you only see cursorily, and in which you have only power
+to procure a few moments of pleasure, and you neglect to be agreeable to
+your husband or wife, from whom you expect the happiness of a whole
+life. Perhaps it would be better to be continually capricious or harsh,
+for the contrast of your politeness in the drawing-room with your
+impoliteness at home makes you appear still more odious. Conjugal
+intimacy, it is true, dispenses with the etiquette established by
+politeness, but it does not dispense with attentions. In the presence of
+your wife or husband, you ought never to do those things which carry
+with them an idea of disgust, nor perform those duties of the toilet,
+which before any one but yourself offend decency and cleanliness.[7]
+One ought never to permit disorder in his wardrobe under the excuse that
+he is just up, or at his own house. To dress with neatness, and elegant
+simplicity is important, even at home.
+
+The conversation of husband and wife cannot be elegant, and sustained in
+the same manner that it is in society; it would indeed be superlatively
+ridiculous that it should not have interruption or relaxation, but it
+should be free from all impoliteness and indelicacy. If at any time the
+society of your husband or wife causes you _ennui_, you ought neither to
+say so, nor give any suspicion of the cause by abruptly changing the
+conversation. In all discussions you should watch yourself attentively,
+lest domestic familiarity raise itself by degrees to the pitch of a
+quarrel. It is especially to females that this advice is addressed, and
+to the impressive words of Scripture, 'woman was not created for wrath,'
+we may add these, 'she was created for gentleness.'
+
+To entertain with a politeness particularly affectionate the friends of
+a person with whom you are connected by marriage; to respect inviolably
+the letters which she writes or receives; to avoid prying into the
+secrets which she conceals from you through delicacy; never to act
+contrary to her inclinations, unless they are injurious to herself, and
+even in this case not to oppose her, but to endeavor to check them with
+address and kindness; to beware of confiding to strangers or to
+domestics the little vexations which she causes you; to dread like
+poison marks of contempt, coldness, suspicion, or reproaches; to
+apologize promptly and in an affectionate manner if you have allowed
+yourself to run into any ill humor; to receive her counsels with
+attention, and benevolence, and to execute them as quickly as
+possible--these are the obligations of propriety and love, to which
+husbands possessed of gentleness bind themselves, by the sanctity of the
+vows which they have taken before God. There is a still more rigorous
+duty for a new husband, and for well married persons; they must abstain
+in public from every mark of affection too conspicuous, and every
+exclusive attention. Married persons who, in society, place themselves
+continually near one another, and who converse and dance together, do
+not escape the ridicule to which their feelings blind them. In society,
+we ought above every thing to avoid being personal; for a husband or a
+wife, is another self; and we must forget that _self_.
+
+Mothers, in particular, spare no caresses towards your children, occupy
+yourselves entirely with them, unless perhaps you fear to render them
+proud, difficult and insupportable; if you fatigue people by having them
+always present, if you encourage or repeat their prattle and their
+sports; if, on the other hand, you treat them with severity before
+strangers, if you reprimand or punish them, be assured every one will
+consider you importunate as well as ridiculous.
+
+Domestic propriety, which is at once a duty of justice, religion and
+humanity, is also a source of peace and pleasure. Servants treated with
+suitable regard, are attentive, zealous and grateful, and consequently
+every thing is done with propriety and affection. Who does not know the
+charm and value of this?
+
+Duties of this class require that you should never command your
+domestics with hauteur and harshness. Every time that they render you a
+service, it claims an expression, a gesture, or at least a look of
+thankfulness; it requires that you should be still more affectionate
+towards the domestics of your acquaintances, and especially towards
+those of your friends, whom you ought always to treat kindly. As to your
+own domestics, you should carefully beware of addressing to them any
+confidential or even useless conversation, for fear of rendering them
+insolent or familiar; but propriety requires you to listen to them with
+kindness, and give them salutary advice when it is for their interest.
+It commands us also to show them indulgence frequently, in order to be
+able, when there is cause, to reprove them with firmness, without being
+obliged to have recourse to the false energy of anger.
+
+The _ton_ of domestics ordinarily announces that of their masters. Never
+suffer them to remain seated while answering distinguished persons who
+ask for you. Take care that they do it always in a civil and polite
+manner; let them lose no time, if there is occasion, in relieving your
+visitors of their over-shoes, umbrellas, cloaks, &c.; let them go
+before, to save your visitors the trouble of opening and shutting the
+door. When an announcement is made, let them inform themselves
+respectfully of the name of the person, and pronounce it while holding
+open for them the door of your room. If you are not there, let them
+offer a seat, requesting the guests to wait a moment while they go to
+call you.
+
+When visitors take leave, domestics ought to manifest a promptness in
+opening the outer door; they should hold the door by the handle, while
+you converse with the person whom you reconduct; they should present
+them respectfully with whatever garments they may have thrown off, and
+aid them in again putting them on; and should, if occasion requires,
+light them to the door, going slowly behind them.
+
+Accustom your domestics never to appear before you too poorly, or too
+much dressed; never to sit in your presence, especially while waiting
+upon the table; not to enter into conversation; never to answer by
+signs, or in coarse terms.
+
+It is only among the badly educated people of the small towns that they
+say, the 'maid,' the 'boy,' the 'domestic,' the 'servant;' and among the
+proud, ill-bred fashionables, who ape grandeur; the 'lackey,' the
+'valet,' 'my people;' well-bred persons simply say, the 'nurse,' the
+'cook,' the 'chamber-maid,' &c. and what is still better, they designate
+their domestics by their christian names.
+
+If you have ever met with those merciless housekeepers who give you a
+whole tariff of the commodities which they have been to market to
+purchase, attended by their maid; who entertain you constantly with the
+insults and unfaithfulness of their domestics; who fly into a passion
+before you on account of a glass broken, of which they require the
+value, and make you witness and judge of pert discussions occasioned by
+servants' mistakes; if you have had the misfortune to dine with such
+persons, and have seen them hand reluctantly to their sullen
+maid-servants one key after another, to arrange the dessert brought by
+them with a good supply of ill-humor; if you have seen them go to the
+cellar themselves, and when they have just left the table, to arrange in
+a surly manner the wine, sugar, and delicacies, tell me, poor guest, if,
+turning your head away with confusion and disgust, you have not an
+hundred times said to yourself, 'Oh! what living and disgusting models
+of upstarts or provincials.'
+
+
+  [7] As washing the feet, cutting the nails, &c.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+_Of propriety as regards one's self._
+
+
+Attention to one's person and reputation is also a duty. If vanity,
+pride, or prudery, have frequently given to these attentions the names
+of coquetry, ambition, or folly, this is a still stronger reason, why we
+should endeavor to clear up these points.
+
+
+SECTION I.
+
+_Of the toilet._
+
+Propriety requires that we should always be clothed in a cleanly and
+becoming manner, even in private, in leaving our bed, or in the presence
+of no one. It requires that our clothing be in keeping with our sex,
+fortune, profession, age, and form, as well as with the season, the
+different hours of the day and our different occupations.
+
+Let us now descend to the particulars of these general rules.
+
+The dress for a man on his first rising, is a cap of cotton, or silk and
+cotton, a morning gown, or a vest with sleeves; for a lady, a small
+muslin cap, (bonnet de percale,) a camisole or common robe. It is well
+that a half corset should precede the full corset, which last is used
+only when one is dressed; for it is bad taste for a lady not to be laced
+at all. The hair papers, which cannot be removed on rising (because the
+hair would not keep in curl till evening,) should be concealed under a
+bandeau of lace or of the hair. They should be removed as soon as may
+be. In this dress, we can receive only intimate friends or persons, who
+call upon urgent or indispensable business; even then we ought to offer
+some apology for it. To neglect to take off this morning dress as soon
+as possible, is to expose one's self to embarrassments often very
+painful, and to the appearance of a want of education. Moreover, it is
+well to impose upon yourself a rule to be dressed at some particular
+hour (the earliest possible,) since occupations will present themselves
+to hinder your being ready for the day; and you will easily acquire the
+habit of this. Such disorder of the toilet can be excused when it occurs
+rarely, or for a short time, as in such cases it seems evidently owing
+to a temporary embarrassment; but if it occur daily, or constantly; if
+it seems the result of negligence and slovenliness, it is unpardonable,
+particularly in ladies, whose dress seems less designed for clothing
+than ornament.
+
+To suppose that great heat of weather will authorise this disorder of
+the toilet, and will permit us to go in slippers, or with our legs and
+arms bare, or to take nonchalant or improper attitudes, is an error of
+persons of a low class, or destitute of education. Even the weather of
+dog-days would not excuse this; and if we would remain thus dressed, we
+must give directions that we are not at home. On the other hand, to
+think that cold and rainy weather excuses like liberties, is equally an
+error. You ought not to be in the habit of wearing large socks (this is
+addressed particularly to ladies,) as socks of list and similar
+materials; much less noisy shoes, such as wooden ones, galoches lined
+with fur, shoes with wooden soles, socks, &c.; this custom is in the
+worst taste. When you go to see any one, you cannot dispense with taking
+off your socks or clogs before you are introduced into the room. For to
+make a noise in walking is entirely at variance with good manners.
+
+However pressed one may be, a lady of good breeding should not go out in
+a morning dress, neither with an apron nor cap, even if it is made of
+fine cloth and trimmed with ribbands; nor should a well-bred man show
+himself in the street in a waistcoat only, a jacket without sleeves, &c.
+We said before that the dress should be adapted to the different hours
+of the day. Ladies should make morning calls in an elegant and simple
+négligé, all the details of which we cannot give, on account of their
+multiplicity and the numerous modification of fashion. We shall only say
+that ladies generally should make these calls in the dress which they
+wear at home. Gentlemen may call in an outside coat, in boots and
+pantaloons, as when they are on their ordinary business. In short, this
+dress is proper for gentlemen's visits in the middle of the day. With
+regard to ladies, it is necessary for them when visiting at this time,
+to arrange their toilet with more care. Ceremonious visits, evening
+visits, and especially balls, require more attention to the dress of
+gentlemen, and a more brilliant costume for ladies. There are for the
+latter, head-dresses particularly designed for such occasions, and for
+no other, such as rich blond caps, ornamented with flowers, brilliant
+_berrets_ and _toques_, appropriate to the drawing-room.
+
+The nicest cloth, new and very fine linen, an elegant but plain
+waistcoat; a beautiful watch, to which is attached a single costly key,
+thin and well polished shoes, an entirely new hat, of a superior
+quality--this is a dress at once recherché and rigorously exact, for
+gentlemen of good taste and _ton_. One's profession requires very little
+modification of this costume; we should observe, however, that men of
+science (savans) and literary men and those in the profession of the
+law, should avoid having a fashionable or military costume, which is
+generally adopted by students, commercial men, and _exquisites_, for the
+sake of _ton_ or for want of something to do.
+
+Situation in the world determines among ladies, those differences, which
+though otherwise well marked, are becoming less so every day. Every one
+knows that whatever be the fortune of a young lady, her dress ought
+always, in form as well as ornaments, to exhibit less of a recherché
+appearance and should be less showy than that of married ladies. Costly
+cashmeres, very rich furs, and diamonds, as well as many other brilliant
+ornaments, are to be forbidden a young lady; and those who act in
+defiance of these rational marks of propriety make us believe that they
+are possessed of an unrestrained love of luxury, and deprive themselves
+of the pleasure of receiving these ornaments from the hand of the man of
+their choice.
+
+All ladies cannot use indiscriminately the privilege which marriage
+confers upon them in this respect, and the toilet of those whose fortune
+is moderate should not pass the bounds of an elegant simplicity.
+Considerations of a more elevated nature, as of good domestic order, the
+dignity of a wife, and the duties of a mother, come in support of this
+law of propriety, for it concerns morality in all its branches.
+
+We must beware of a shoal in this case; frequently a young lady of small
+fortune, desiring to appear decently in any splendid assembly, makes
+sacrifices in order to embellish her modest attire. But these sacrifices
+are necessarily inadequate; a new and brilliant article of dress is
+placed by the side of a mean or old one. The toilet then wants harmony,
+which is the soul of elegance as well as of beauty. Moreover, whatever
+be the opulence which you enjoy, luxury encroaches so much upon it, that
+no riches are able to satisfy its demands; but fortunately propriety,
+always in accordance with reason, encourages by this maxim social and
+sensible women. Neither too high, nor too low; it is equally ridiculous
+either to pretend to be the most showy, or to display the meanest attire
+in an assembly.
+
+The rules suitable to age resemble those which mediocrity of fortune
+imposes; for instance, old ladies ought to abstain from gaudy colors,
+recherché designs, too late fashions, and graceful ornaments, as
+feathers, flowers, and jewels. A lady in her decline dressed in her
+hair, and wearing a dress with short sleeves, adorned with collars,
+bracelets, &c. offends against propriety as much as against her interest
+and dignity.
+
+The rigorous simplicity of the dress of men establishes but very little
+difference between that of young and old. The latter, however, ought to
+choose grave colors, not to follow the fashions too closely; to avoid
+garments too tight or too short, and not to have in view in their toilet
+any other object but ease and neatness. Unless the care of their health,
+or complete baldness, requires them to wear a wig,[8] it is more proper
+that old persons should show their white and noble heads. Old ladies,
+whom custom requires to conceal this respectable sign of a long life,
+should at least avoid hair too thick or too full of curls.
+
+If they would not appear ridiculous and clothed in a manner disagreeable
+or offensive, ladies ought to adopt in summer light garments, and
+delicate colors, and in winter, furs, thick and warm fabrics, and deep
+colors. Men till lately were almost free from this obligation; they used
+to be constantly clothed in broadcloth in all seasons: but now, although
+this may form the basis of their toilet, they must select stuffs for
+winter or summer, as may be suitable. It is in good ton for gentlemen to
+wear a rich cloak; an outer garment over the coat (especially one of
+silk,) is left for men of a certain age. It only belongs to
+septuagenarians and ecclesiastics to wear doublets or wadded outer
+coats.
+
+To finish our instructions relative to the toilet, it only remains for
+us to make a few observations.
+
+It is superlatively ridiculous for a lady to go on foot, when dressed in
+her hair, or attired for the drawing-room or a ball. If one dwells in a
+provincial town where it is not customary to use carriages, they should
+go in a chair. Who does not perceive how laughable it is to see a lady
+who is clothed in satin lace, or velvet, laboriously travelling in the
+dust or mud.
+
+Vary your toilet as much as possible, for fear that idlers and malignant
+wits, who are always a majority in the world, should amuse themselves by
+making your dress the description of your person.
+
+Certain fashionables seek to gain a kind of reputation by the odd choice
+of their attire, and by their eagerness to seize upon the first caprices
+of the fashions. Propriety with difficulty tolerates these fancies of a
+spoiled child: but it applauds a woman of sense and taste, who is not in
+a hurry to follow the fashions and asks how long they will probably last
+before adopting them; finally, who selects and modifies them with
+success according to her size and figure.
+
+It would be extremely clownish to carry dirt into a decent house,
+especially if one makes a ceremonious visit; and, when there is much
+mud, or when we cannot walk with skill, it is proper to go in a
+carriage, or at least to put in requisition the services of a shoe-black
+at a short distance from the house.
+
+
+  [8] Young people who become bald, should not hesitate to have recourse
+      to wigs. Nothing more saddens the appearance, than those bald
+      skulls, which seem always to invite the observations of the
+      anatomist.
+
+
+SECTION II.
+
+_Of Reputation._
+
+Among the cares which propriety obliges us to take of our person, to
+please is but an accessary circumstance; the principal end is to
+indicate by cleanliness, and the suitableness of apparel, that good
+order, a sense of what is right, and politeness in all things, direct
+our thoughts and actions. In this point of view, we see that a regard to
+reputation is the necessary consequence of the duties of propriety
+toward one's self.
+
+To inspire esteem and consideration, is then the grand object of
+propriety of conduct; for without this treasure, the relations of
+society would be a humiliation and punishment. They are obtained by the
+accomplishment of our obligations of family and of our profession; by
+our probity and good manners; by our fortune and situation in society.
+
+Consideration is not acquired by words; an article so precious demands a
+real value; it demands also the assistance of discretion. So that we
+must begin by fulfilling exactly our duties towards relations; but we
+must beware of making public those petty quarrels, and little
+differences of interest, of ill humor or opinion, which sometimes
+trouble families most closely united. These momentary clouds, soon
+dissipated by affection and confidence, would be engraven on the memory
+of others as a proof of your domestic discords, and in the end, of your
+faults.[9]
+
+Probity, that powerful means of obtaining consideration, by its elevated
+and religious nature, is not within our investigation of the principles
+of politeness.
+
+This is not the case with that consideration which is attached to purity
+of morals. The proof of probity is in probity itself; but, thanks to the
+delicate shades of reputation, in regard to chastity, there exists,
+independently of good conduct, a multitude of cares, and precautions,
+which, however minute and embarrassing at times, ought never to be
+neglected. Ladies, to whom the advice contained in this paragraph is
+particularly addressed, know how the shadow of suspicion withers and
+torments them. This shadow, it is necessary to avoid at all hazards, and
+on that account to submit to all the requirements of propriety.
+
+Young married ladies are at liberty to visit by themselves their
+acquaintances, but they cannot present themselves in public without
+their husband, or an aged lady. They are at liberty however to walk with
+young married ladies or unmarried ones, while the latter should never
+walk alone with their companions. Neither should they show themselves
+except with a gentleman of their family, and then he should be a near
+relation or of respectable age.
+
+Except in certain provincial towns, where there is a great strictness in
+behavior, young married ladies receive the visits of gentlemen; they
+permit their company in promenades, without suffering the least injury
+to their reputation, provided it is always with men of good morals, and
+that they take care to avoid every appearance of coquetry. Young widows
+have equal liberty with married ladies.
+
+A lady ought not to present herself alone in a library, or a museum,
+unless she goes there to study or work as an artist.
+
+A lady ought to have a modest and measured gait; too great hurry injures
+the grace which ought to characterize her. She should not turn her head
+on one side and the other, especially in large towns, where this bad
+habit seems to be an invitation to the impertinent. If such persons
+address her in any flattering or insignificant terms, she should take
+good care not to answer them a word. If they persist, she should tell
+them in a brief and firm, though polite tone, that she desires to be
+left to herself. If a man follow her in silence, she should pretend not
+to perceive him, and at the same time hasten a little her step.
+
+Towards the close of the day, a young lady would conduct herself in an
+unbecoming manner, if she should go alone; and if she passes the evening
+with any one, she ought to see that a domestic comes to accompany her,
+if not, to request the person whom she is visiting, to allow some one to
+do so. But however much this may be considered proper, and consequently
+an obligation, a married lady well educated will disregard it if
+circumstances prevent her being able, without trouble, to find a
+conductor.
+
+If the master of the house wishes to accompany you himself, you must
+excuse yourself politely from giving him so much trouble, but finish
+however by accepting. On arriving at your house, you should offer him
+your thanks. In order to avoid these two inconveniences, it will be well
+to request your husband, or some one of your relations to come and wait
+upon you; you will in this way avoid still another inconvenience; in
+small towns, where malice is excited by ignorance and want of something
+to do, they frequently censure the most innocent acts; it is not
+uncommon to hear slanderous and silly gossips observe, that madame
+such-a-one goes to madame such-a-one's for the sake of returning with
+her husband. The seeds of such an imputation, once sown, quickly come to
+maturity.
+
+The care of the reputation of ladies further demands that they should
+have a modest deportment; should abstain from forward manners, and free
+speeches.
+
+
+  [9] As to the means of obtaining consideration, in performing the
+      duties appertaining to our station in life, see the following
+      chapters.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+_Of propriety, in regard to one's business or profession._
+
+
+Besides general politeness, that ready money which is current with all,
+there is a polite deportment suited to every profession. Interest,
+custom, and the desire of particular esteem, the necessity of moderating
+the enthusiasm which almost constantly animates us,--are the motives
+which determine the different kinds of politeness that we are going to
+consider as regards shopkeepers, people in office, lawyers, physicians,
+artists, military men, and ecclesiastics. As all this politeness is
+mutual, we shall necessarily speak of the obligations imposed upon
+people who have intercourse with these different persons.
+
+
+SECTION I.
+
+_Politeness of Shopkeepers and Customers._
+
+Politeness in shopkeepers is a road to fortune, which the greater part
+of them are careful not to neglect, especially at Paris, where we find
+particularly the model of a well-bred shopkeeper. It is this model that
+we wish to hold up even to some Parisians, and to the retail dealers of
+the provincial towns, as well as to those who are unacquainted with
+trade, but are destined to that profession.
+
+When a customer calls, the shopkeeper should salute him politely,
+without inquiring after his health, unless he be intimately acquainted
+with him. He then waits until the customer has made known his wishes,
+advances toward him, or brings forward a seat, then shows him, with
+great civility, the articles for which he has inquired. If the purchaser
+be difficult to suit, capricious, ridiculous, or even disdainful, the
+shopkeeper ought not to appear to perceive it; he may however in such
+cases, show a little coldness of manner.
+
+The part which shopkeepers have to act is frequently painful, we must
+allow; there are some people who treat them like servants; there are
+some _capricious fashionables_, who go into a shop only to pass the
+time, to see the new fashions, and who, with this object make the
+shopkeeper open a hundred bundles, show heaps of goods, and finish by
+going out, saying in a disdainful tone that nothing suits them. There
+are some merciless purchasers who contend for a few cents with all the
+tenacity of avarice, obstinacy and pride; however, under all these
+vexations, the shopkeeper must show constant urbanity. He waits upon
+such imperious purchasers with readiness, but nevertheless in silence,
+for he must be convinced that the more complying we are to people of
+this sort, the more haughty and difficult they show themselves.
+
+With _capricious fashionables_, his patience should never forsake him;
+and although he well knows what will be the result of their fatiguing
+call, he nevertheless should show them his goods, as if he thought they
+really intended to buy; for sometimes this tempts them to purchase. Even
+though his politeness should be all lost, he should still express his
+regret at not having been able to suit the lady, and hope to be more
+fortunate another time; he should then conduct her politely to the door,
+which he should hold open until her carriage leaves it.
+
+A shopkeeper who wishes to save time, words and vexation, who even feels
+the dignity of his profession, ought to sell at a fixed price, or if he
+does not announce that he sells in that mode, he ought at least to adopt
+it, and not to have what is called an _asking_ price. If however he has
+to do with those gossips who think themselves cheated unless something
+is abated, or who design to impose sacrifices on the shopkeepers, it is
+necessary to carry on this ridiculous skirmishing politely, and to yield
+by degrees, without exhibiting any marks of displeasure at these
+endless debates. But the dealer of _bon ton_ abstains from those lofty
+assurances, those laughable adjurations, declarations of loss, and of
+preference, as, _I lose all profit, it is because it is you_, and other
+foolish things, which make a lackey's office of a truly respectable
+profession.
+
+The clerks should carry the articles purchased to the desk, whither they
+should politely conduct the purchaser; they then should make up the
+bundle which they should not deliver until the bill is settled, and the
+purchaser is ready to depart. If the latter is not on foot, the bundle
+should not be delivered until he is seated in the carriage, and the door
+is ready to be shut. If, on the contrary, the purchaser is not in a
+carriage, he must be asked whether he wishes to have the bundle carried
+home. This politeness is indispensable if the bundle is large, and
+especially if the purchaser is a lady.
+
+It is further necessary that the person at the desk should offer small
+change for the balance of the purchase, and should apologise if he is
+obliged to give copper or heavy money; he ought to present a bill of the
+articles, and not show any ill-humor if the purchaser thinks proper to
+look over it.
+
+There is one circumstance which tries the politeness of the most civil
+shopkeepers; it is when an assortment is wanted. It is indeed irksome
+enough to show a great quantity of goods, and give patterns of them,
+with the certainty almost that all you do will avail nothing. But it
+ought not to be forgotten, that like all other qualities, politeness has
+its trials, and that perhaps the person who has thus chanced to call at
+their shop, will be induced by this amenity of behavior, to continue
+always a customer.
+
+We trust that the shopkeepers' clerks, in the recommendations which we
+are now about to give them, will not see any silly attempt to address
+them with smart sayings.
+
+By enjoining upon them to avoid volubility--a disrespectful familiarity
+toward ladies--extravagant praises of their goods--an affected zeal in
+serving rich persons--an impolite tardiness, and disdainful inattention
+to people of a diffident manner--the ridiculous habit of wishing to make
+conversation--to urge people to buy whether they wish to or not--to stun
+them with the names of all the goods in the shop--by enjoining upon them
+to avoid these things, we intend less to join in than to preserve them
+from the reproaches of fault finders.
+
+Every civility ought to be reciprocal, or nearly so. If the officious
+politeness of the shopkeeper does not require an equal return, he has at
+least a claim to civil treatment; and, finally, if this politeness
+proceed from interest, is this a reason why purchasers should add to
+the unpleasantness of his profession, and trouble themselves little at
+violating the laws of politeness? Many very respectable people allow
+themselves so many infractions on this point, that I think it my duty to
+dwell upon it.
+
+You should never say, _I want such a thing_, but, _have the goodness to
+show me_, or _show me, if you please, that article_, or use some other
+polite form of address. If they do not show you at first the articles
+you desire, and you are obliged to examine a great number, apologize to
+the shopkeeper for the trouble you give him. If, after all you cannot
+suit yourself, renew your apologies, when you go away.
+
+If you make small purchases, say, _I ask your pardon_, or _I am sorry
+for having troubled you for so trifling a thing_. If you spend a
+considerable time in the selection of articles, apologize to the
+shopkeeper who waits for you to decide.
+
+If the price seems to you too high, and that the shop has not fixed
+prices, ask an abatement in brief and civil terms, and without ever
+appearing to suspect the good faith of the shopkeeper. If he does not
+yield, do not enter into a contest with him, but go away, after telling
+him politely that you think you can obtain the article cheaper
+elsewhere, but if not, that you will give him the preference. If the
+clerk ends by asking whether you wish for any other article, answer
+always in a manner to encourage him that you will call again. We should
+never neglect to be agreeable. Thank him always when you go out.
+
+
+SECTION II.
+
+_Politeness between Persons in Office and the Public._
+
+This is not very conspicuous; nor can it be, since in this case, the
+desire of pleasing and the expectation of gain, have no influence.
+Besides, as we remain but a moment with these gentlemen, and as they
+have business with a great many people, the observances and forms of
+politeness would be misplaced. The following are points to be observed
+by them, and are by no means rigid; the greater therefore the reason for
+conforming to them.
+
+A man in office is not obliged to rise and salute people, nor to offer
+them a seat; it is enough for him to receive them by an inclination of
+the head, and make a sign with the hand, to intimate to them to be
+seated. The business being finished, he salutes them on leaving, as
+before, and never conducts them back to the door. It would be ridiculous
+to be offended with these _bureaucratic_ forms, and still more so, to
+wish to enter into conversation, to make inquiries concerning the
+health, &c. In proportion to their official habits, those in office
+ought to watch themselves with care in society.
+
+
+SECTION III.
+
+_Politeness of Lawyers and their Clients._
+
+Politeness is a very difficult thing for this respectable class, who see
+constantly before their eyes people always animated with a feeling which
+renders them little amiable, namely, interest. Besides, being in the
+habit of refuting their adversaries, and being obliged to do it
+promptly, they acquire, in general, a kind of bluntness, a decisive
+tone, a spirit of contradiction, of which they ought to be distrustful
+in society, and also in their places of business. The familiar usage of
+common inquiries after the health is not customary between attorneys or
+advocates and their clients, unless they have before been acquainted
+with them. They are however bound to observe attentions which are not
+practised by persons in office. They rise to salute their clients, offer
+them a seat, and conduct them to the door when they take leave; they
+observe what is due to sex, rank, and age.
+
+As to clients, they ought to conform to the ordinary rules of civility;
+they ought, moreover, not to exhibit any signs of impatience while they
+are waiting until they can be received. They should take care to be
+clear and precise in the narration of their business, and not to
+importune by vain repetitions or passionate declamations, the counsellor
+who is listening to them. They should also consider that his moments are
+precious, and should retire so soon as they shall have sufficiently
+instructed him in their business.
+
+
+SECTION IV.
+
+_Politeness of Physicians and their Patients._
+
+The observances adopted in the offices of lawyers, are likewise
+practised with consulting physicians; but sympathy should give to the
+tone or manner of the latter a more affectionate character. Patients
+well educated will beware of abusing it, and will keep to themselves all
+complaints which are useless towards a knowledge of their malady. They
+will answer the questions of the doctor in a clear, brief, and polite
+manner; and when these questions do not embrace the observations which
+they may have made on their own disorder, they will say so, at the same
+time observing some excuse like the following; _I ask your pardon; this
+observation is perhaps idle, but being myself ignorant, and wishing to
+omit nothing, I submit it to your good judgment._
+
+You ought to give frequent and heartfelt thanks to the physician who
+affords you his advice or attentions. The circumstance of his being
+unsuccessful does not exonerate you from these testimonies of gratitude;
+it renders them perhaps more obligatory, for delicacy requires that you
+should not appear tacitly to reproach him on account of his having been
+unfortunate in his efforts.
+
+Being obliged to speak of different wants, and of different parts of the
+body, for which politeness has no appropriate language, the physician
+ought to avoid being obscure or gross, particularly when addressing
+ladies. A forgetfulness of these forms often renders insupportable even
+a meritorious and learned man.
+
+Every one knows, with what delicate precautions a physician ought to
+speak before the patient and his family, of the nature of the illness
+and of the probable consequences when there exists any danger; in what
+guarded terms he should at last disclose to them a fatal termination, if
+unfortunately it has become inevitable. Every body knows, also, that
+however poignant may be the grief of parents, they ought never to let it
+appear in their conversations with the physician, that they regard him
+as the cause of their affliction.
+
+
+SECTION V.
+
+_Politeness of Artists and Authors, and the Deference due to them._
+
+Do artists come under the common rule, it will perhaps be said? and I
+shall ask, in my turn: Do they live like others,--these men, always
+absorbed in one strong and single conception, with which they, like the
+Creator, wish to animate matter?--who seek everywhere the secret of the
+beautiful which goads, infatuates, and evades them?--passionate,
+absorbed in thought, ingenuous, almost always strangers to calculation,
+to pleasure, and to the occupations of the world? No, they have a
+separate existence, one which the world does not comprehend, and which
+they ought to conceal from the world.
+
+If, as we shall see hereafter, one should avoid speaking of his
+profession, and of his personal affairs, for a still stronger reason, an
+artist ought to be silent about his own labors, his success, and his
+hopes. People will accuse him of arrogance, of vanity, and perhaps even
+of madness; for enthusiasm is not included in, nor admitted into
+society, because there the ridiculous is feared above everything, _and
+from the sublime to the ridiculous there is but one step_. Let him,
+then, reserve only for his friends, for true friends of the arts, his
+noble and striking bursts of inspiration.
+
+People are also generally prone to suspect artists of jealousy. In order
+to escape this accusation, and at the same time preserve the right of
+telling their thoughts, they ought to commend warmly what appears to
+them good, and criticise with much moderation and without any raillery
+what is defective.
+
+These observations are addressed equally to authors, with this important
+addition. Besides the charge of arrogance, people are much disposed to
+accuse them of pedantry. Let them therefore be careful, and check
+constantly the desire of entering into conversation upon the interesting
+subjects with which they are continually occupied. Let them always be in
+fear of obtaining the name of a _bel esprit_, a name which calls up so
+many recollections of pedantry and affectation.
+
+A graceful simplicity, a happy mixture of elevation and naïveté, should
+characterise authors and artists, but particularly female authors and
+artists. Ladies who handle the pen, the lyre, or the pencil, ought to be
+well persuaded that any vestige of prejudice raises against them,
+especially in provincial places, a multitude of unfavorable
+observations. And besides, so many half-instructed women have had so
+much the air and manners of upstarts, that this opinion is almost
+excusable. Now this prejudice lays it down as a rule, that every female
+author or artist may be known at first sight, by her oddities, her want
+of modesty, or her pedantic folly. Do away this unjust prejudice, my
+female friends: it will be both easy and pleasant; you will have only to
+follow the influence of an elevated soul, a pure taste; you will have
+but to remind yourselves that simplicity is the coquetry of genius.
+
+But if people who cultivate literature and the arts ought to apply
+themselves without reluctance or ill-humor to all the requirements of
+society; if they ought to strip themselves of all pretension, and forget
+themselves, others should not forget them. Politeness requires that we
+converse with an author concerning his works; that we congratulate him
+on his success; that we bestow upon him suitable and delicate praises.
+If any of his works are unknown to us, we should ask of him the loan of
+it with earnestness; we should read it with promptitude, and prove to
+him by our citations that we have a thorough acquaintance with it. If he
+makes us a present of any of his productions, we shall owe him a call,
+or at least a billet of thanks. Handsome compliments, and lively
+testimonials of acknowledgment, ought to fill up this visit or billet.
+Remember, also, that to please an artist, it is necessary to flatter at
+once his taste, his self-esteem, and his cultivation of the fine arts.
+Speak to him therefore like a connoisseur, or at least an admirer of
+music, or of painting. Ask the favor of seeing his pictures, or of
+hearing his symphonies. Contemplate the former a long time; listen to
+the latter with great attention; address to him lively congratulations
+mingled with thanks; then, by an adroit transition, put to him questions
+which prove your desire to be initiated into a knowledge of the arts.
+
+When an artist or a writer obtains any honorable distinction, as a
+prize, a medal, dramatic success, or an academical title, his friends
+and acquaintances should lose no time in offering him their compliments.
+Those at a distance, may perform _this duty_ of politeness by writing.
+
+Not only authors by profession, but literary persons who publish a
+discourse, a little work, or a pamphlet, should send, in an envelope,
+a copy to their family, friends, professional brethren, authors
+who have addressed to them similar presents, to their intimate
+acquaintances, their superiors, and to those persons to whom they owe
+respect--according to the nature of the work, and to the people with
+whom they have relations of pleasure, or of business. It is an
+affectionate and very polite custom for the author to write with his
+own hand at the top of the first leaf or of the cover, some kind or
+respectful words, according to the person to whom it is addressed. These
+words, which are designed to make of the gift a remembrance or homage,
+are always written under the name of the person, and signed by the
+author. We will here speak of a dedication only to observe, that we
+cannot dedicate a work to any one, without having previously obtained
+his consent, either verbally or by writing. When it is to the king,
+queen, or princes, it is necessary to write to their secretary, to know
+their wish in this respect. As to any other person of dignity, we may
+write to him without any intermediate agency. If the members of the
+royal family have accepted the dedication, the author is generally
+allowed the honor of presenting his work to them.
+
+
+SECTION VI.
+
+_Politeness of Military Men._
+
+Military politeness has, as we know, some particular characteristics.
+Officers and soldiers do not uncover themselves on entering a church, if
+they are under arms; only, during the elevation of the host,[10] they
+raise the right hand to the front part of their helmet, cap, or
+shako.[11] When soldiers converse with their superiors, they constantly
+hold the edge of the hand to their forehead. On entering a drawing room,
+an officer lays down his sabre or his sword. It is not in good _ton_ for
+a man to present himself before ladies, in the uniform of the national
+guard, unless some circumstance excuses or authorises this liberty.
+
+In a citizen's dress, officers may wear a black cravat.
+
+If we are acquainted with military men, in addressing them, we call them
+only _general_, or _captain_; but it would be uncivil to give them the
+title of an inferior grade thus we should not say _lieutenant_.
+
+
+  [10] This has reference, of course, to Catholic countries only.
+
+  [11] A kind of military cap.
+
+
+SECTION VII.
+
+_Politeness of Ecclesiastics and Females of Religious Orders; and the
+Deference due to them.[12]_
+
+A priest should be considered in two points of view; when he is
+exercising his holy office, and when he is taking part in the relations
+of society. In the first case, he is an object of special respect; and
+even the title to be given him, the words to be addressed to him, the
+attitude to be taken in speaking to him, are regulated by the liturgy.
+But, although the ecclesiastic be not now in society an object of
+religious veneration, he has, as the representative of God, or as a
+minister of the altar, a right to much respect and deference. Too light
+conversation, dancing and love songs, would be out of place in his
+presence.
+
+Ecclesiastics have two shoals to avoid. Their custom of preaching a
+severe and sacred morality, and of catechising or censuring with
+authority the penitent, gives them sometime a dogmatical and rigid
+tone, a pedantry of morality altogether contrary to social affability.
+Sometimes, also, to guard against this result, which they feel to be
+almost inevitable, ecclesiastics, especially the more aged, indulge
+themselves in unsuitable pleasantries, which they would not dare to
+allow in men of the world. A mild gravity, a moderate gaiety, a noble
+and affectionate urbanity--these are the characteristics which ought to
+distinguish the ecclesiastic, in society.
+
+
+  [12] These remarks have particular reference to Catholic countries
+       and forms, but may many of them be applied to other denominations.
+
+
+
+
+PART II.
+
+OF PROPRIETY OF DEPORTMENT IN REGARD TO OUR SOCIAL RELATIONS.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+_Of Deportment in the Street._
+
+
+Some readers will perhaps be surprised to see me commence a chapter with
+the duty we owe to persons passing the street; but if they reflect upon
+it, they will see that there are, even on this subject, a sufficient
+number of things proper to be mentioned.
+
+When you are passing in the street, and see coming towards you a person
+of your acquaintance, whether a lady, a man raised to dignity, or an
+elderly person, you should offer them the _wall_, that is to say, the
+side next the houses.
+
+If a carriage happen to stop in such a manner as to leave only a narrow
+passage between it and the houses, beware of elbowing and rudely
+crowding the passengers, with a view to getting by more expeditiously:
+wait your turn, and if any one of the persons before mentioned comes up,
+you should edge up to the wall, in order to give them the place. They
+also, as they pass, ought to bow politely to you.
+
+If stormy weather has made it necessary to lay a plank across the
+gutters, which have become suddenly full of water, it is not proper to
+crowd before another, in order to pass over the frail bridge.
+
+Further,--a young man of good breeding should promptly offer his hand to
+ladies, even if they are not acquaintances, when they pass such a place.
+
+You must pay attention to your manner of walking, for fear of throwing
+mud around you, and spattering yourself as well as those who accompany
+you, or who walk behind you. Any person, particularly a lady, who walks
+in this improper manner, whatever her education may be in other
+respects, will always appear awkward and clumsy.
+
+Every one knows that the Parisian ladies are celebrated for their skill
+in walking: we see them in white stockings and thin shoes, passing
+through long, dirty, and blocked up streets, gliding by careless
+persons, and by vehicles crossing each other in every direction, and yet
+return home after a walk of several hours, without soiling their clothes
+in the least.
+
+To arrive at this astonishing result, which causes the wonder and
+vexation of provincial visitors on their first coming to Paris, we must
+be careful to put the foot on the middle of the paving stones, and
+never on the edges, for, in that case, one inevitably slips into the
+interstice between one pavement and another: we must begin by supporting
+the toe, before we do the heel; and even when the mud is quite deep, we
+must put down the heel but seldom. When the street becomes less muddy,
+we can compensate ourselves for this fatigue, which, however, in the
+end, leaves us hardly sensible.
+
+This manner of walking is strictly necessary when you offer your arm to
+any one. When tripping over the pavement, (as the saying is) a lady
+should gracefully raise her dress a little above her ancle. With the
+right hand she should hold together the folds of her gown, and draw them
+towards the right side. To raise the dress on both sides, and with both
+hands, is vulgar. This ungraceful practice can be tolerated only for a
+moment, when the mud is very deep.
+
+It is an important thing in the streets of a large city to edge
+one's-self along; that is to avoid jostling and being jostled by those
+who are passing. A neglect of this attention, will make you appear not
+only awkward and ridiculous, but you will receive or give dangerous
+blows. One can edge along by turning sideways, contracting his arms, and
+watching with his eye the direction which it is best to take in order
+not to come in contact with the person who meets him. A little practice
+and care will soon make this duty familiar.
+
+To make our way along, becomes more difficult when we have a packet or
+an umbrella to carry, especially if the latter is open. It is then
+necessary to lower or raise it, or to turn it on one side. If you
+neglect these precautions, you run the risk of striking it against those
+who are coming and going, or of seeing it twirled round, and of being
+thrown against a carriage, or against some one who will complain
+bitterly of your incivility and awkwardness.
+
+If you have no umbrella, and find yourself overtaken by a sudden shower,
+and any person provided with one is going in the same direction, you may
+request them to shelter you; they should receive your request with much
+politeness, inform themselves of the place where you wish to stop, and
+offer to conduct you there, unless it is too much out of the way, or
+they be pressed for business; in this case, they should express their
+regret at not being able to accompany you so far as you wish.
+
+What we are now about to say, proves that a person truly polite, will
+not wait for you to make this request, but will use every exertion to
+anticipate it: we must observe however, whether age, sex, or dress
+present no objection; for sometimes one would be treated with ill-humor
+and contempt; and if you are a lady, particularly arrived at a certain
+age, it would be extremely unpleasant to accost a person, who, on his
+part, ought never to offer this favor, nor any other to ladies, and
+whose air and immodest manners indicate at once his vulgarity. It would
+be equally out of place to address such a request to those of a very low
+class; but if such an one asks the favor of you, it is proper to receive
+it with politeness.
+
+Another not uncommon point of propriety to be observed, consists in
+asking and pointing out the different streets. If you have occasion for
+this service, you speak politely, and say in a kind tone, _Madam_, or
+_Sir, where is such a street, if you please?_ You should be careful to
+give this title to persons whom you address, even if they should be
+porters or hucksters. It is particularly to these that you should have
+recourse, for in addressing persons passing by, you are liable to meet
+those, who, as well as yourself, are strangers to the neighborhood, or
+to hinder those who are busy; it is moreover, impolite, to trouble
+shopkeepers in their places of business. The direction being given us,
+we should thank them, at the same time bowing. Parisians are justly
+celebrated for the politeness and complaisance with which they show the
+way to passengers, and you ought to imitate them, every time that
+occasion offers. If you are a man, and a lady or distinguished person
+asks this favor of you, you should take off your hat while answering
+them.
+
+There are some ill-mannered and malicious persons, who take pleasure in
+misleading strangers by wrong directions. It will be enough to mention
+such impertinence in order to despise it as we ought.
+
+As to those young men who entertain a false idea that Parisian ladies
+are coquettes or forward in their manners, and besides, that everything
+is allowable in a large city, let them be assured that a man who dares
+(as often happens) to address improper compliments to ladies, to follow
+them, to listen to their conversation, or to finish a sentence which
+they have begun, is a model of rudeness, an object of aversion to
+ladies, and of contempt to gentlemen. A young man of good manners ought
+not to look at a lady too narrowly, or he will pass for an impertinent
+fellow, who, as the saying is, stares people full in the face, (_sous le
+nez_.)
+
+It is especially when there are many persons assembled in one place that
+these boors play off their rude tricks; to which they give the name
+_hoaxes_ for the multitude, at first because they are unperceived, and
+afterwards, because the least bad among them think that the crowd are
+out of the jurisdiction of propriety. This opinion, which obtains among
+some persons, is an error. Politeness becomes still more indispensable,
+in proportion to the assemblage. Why are crowds usually so disagreeable,
+and even dangerous? It is because they are composed of people without
+education, who rudely push against their neighbors, with their fist or
+elbow, who neglect to follow the movement of going and coming; who, on
+occasion of the slightest collision, raise loud complaints, and, by
+their lamentations, their cries, and continual trepidation, render
+insupportable a situation which, without this, would be but troublesome
+enough.
+
+When we meet, in the street, a person of our acquaintance, we salute
+them by bowing and uncovering ourselves, if there is occasion. Sometimes
+it is not enough to give a simple salutation, but we must go to the
+person and inquire how they are, if we see them frequently. While we are
+speaking, if there is occasion, and it be a lady, or an aged and
+respectable man, we remain uncovered: it is for the latter, who see how
+troublesome this politeness is in winter, to insist that the person
+addressing them should put on his hat. It also belongs to the person who
+is the more important of the two, to take leave first. For example, in a
+meeting of this kind, a gentleman never leaves a lady until she takes
+leave of him; nor is a young lady allowed to leave first a married or
+elderly lady. During this interview, which should be very short, the
+speaker of least importance ought to take the lower part of the
+side-walk, in order to keep the person with whom he is conversing, from
+the neighborhood of the carriages. It would be supremely ridiculous to
+enter into a long conversation, and thus detain, against their will, the
+person accosted. If we have anything urgent to say to them, we may ask
+permission to accompany them. We will add, that at Paris, a young man
+ought to avoid approaching, and even saluting a young lady of his
+acquaintance, out of regard to the natural timidity of her sex.
+
+If there is a stranger with the one whom we meet, we must be contented
+with saluting the latter without stopping, otherwise we put his
+companion in a disagreeable position. This civility becomes a rigorous
+duty if they are accompanied by a lady. Ancient gallantry required that
+in this last case, we not only should not stop, but still more, that we
+should not salute an acquaintance, or friend who may pass; this is in
+order not to force her companion to salute an unknown person (for one
+should bow every time that the person bows with whom we are;) but this
+custom may be modified. If it is a friend, or young man, one may be
+content with making merely a motion; but if it be an elderly man, a
+distinguished character, or a lady, it is necessary to salute them,
+saying to the companion: _I take the liberty to salute Mr. or Madam N._
+
+If a person of your acquaintance is at a window, and you are thought to
+perceive them, you ought to address a salutation to them. But it is
+necessary to avoid speaking to them from the street, or of making signs
+to them, for this is a custom of bad _ton_.
+
+To enter into a long conversation with common and low people, who make
+their door-step their parlor, is to be almost as ill bred as they
+themselves are.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+_Of different Kinds of Visits._
+
+
+Visits are a very important part of the social relations; they are not
+merely the simple means of communication established by necessity, since
+they have at once for their object, duty and pleasure, and they enter
+into almost all the acts of life.
+
+There are many kinds of visits, but we shall confine ourselves to the
+principal ones; as for those which only occur under peculiar
+circumstances, the reader will find them mentioned in the course of this
+work. The first are the visits on new year's day; next, visits of
+friendship and of ceremony: we shall not speak of visits of business;
+what we have said in speaking of propriety in relation to different
+professions, will dispense with our entering into new details.
+
+At the return of each new year, custom and duty require us to present
+ourselves to our relations first; afterwards to our patrons, our
+friends, and those who have done any kindness for us.
+
+These visits are divided into several classes; those of the evening or
+afternoon, which are the most polite; of the morning, which are the
+most friendly and respectful; by cards, and presenting one's-self, and
+by cards without presenting one's-self; visits weekly, which are
+confined to acquaintances with whom we have not very close relations;
+monthly, which are less ceremonious, but however partake of coldness: it
+is at Paris more than any other place, that these visits are permitted;
+such calls demand much attention to the toilet; they should be as short
+as possible; a visit of quarter of an hour is long enough, and we should
+be careful to retire when other persons come in.
+
+We should appear ridiculous to wish persons _a happy new year_, in
+ceremonious visits.
+
+I shall not mention friendly calls, except to remind my readers, that
+almost all ceremony should be dispensed with. They are made at all
+hours, without preparation, without dressing; a too brilliant attire
+would be out of place, and if the engagements of the day carry you in
+such a costume at the house of a friend, you ought obligingly to make an
+explanation. Should you not find them at home, do not leave a card; such
+useless ceremony would astonish your friends. Merely remind the
+domestics to mention your calling, and do not leave your card, except
+the servants are absent; then the card should be rolled up, and put in
+the key-hole. It will be well to call again soon.
+
+With a friend, or relation whom we treat as such, we do not keep an
+account of our visits. The one who has most leisure, calls upon him who
+has the least; but this privilege ought not to be abused: it is
+necessary to make our visits of friendship at suitable times.
+
+On the contrary, a visit of ceremony should never be made without
+keeping an account of it, and we should even remember the intervals at
+which they are returned; for it is indispensably necessary to let a
+similar interval elapse. People in this way give you notice whether they
+wish to see you often or seldom. There are some persons whom one goes to
+see once in a month, others once a fortnight, &c.; others, however, less
+frequently. In order not to omit visits, which are to be made, or to
+avoid making them from misinformation, when a preceding one has not been
+returned, persons who have an extensive acquaintance, will do well to
+keep a little memorandum for this purpose.
+
+We cannot make ceremonious visits in a becoming manner, if we have any
+slight indisposition which may for the time affect our appearance, our
+voice--which may embarrass our thoughts, and render our company
+fatiguing; such for instance as a swelled face, a cold, a slight
+headache; in that case it would appear impolite and familiar. On the
+contrary, make visits of friendship under such circumstances, and then
+you will appear more amiable and zealous.
+
+To take a suitable time, is as indispensable in visiting, as in any
+thing else.
+
+One can attain this, by remembering the habits of the person he is going
+to see; by making your arrangements so as not to call at the time of
+taking meals, in moments of occupation, and when our friends are
+walking. This time necessarily varies; but as a general rule we must
+take care not to make ceremonious visits, either before the middle of
+the day, or after five o'clock. To do otherwise would, on the one hand,
+look like importunity, by presenting one's-self too early; and on the
+other, might interfere with arrangements that had been made for the
+evening.
+
+After making one's toilet with care, visiters should furnish themselves
+with cards, that is with small pieces of card or pasteboard, upon which
+their name is printed or well written. Gentlemen ought simply to put
+their cards in their pocket, but ladies may carry them in a small
+elegant portfolio, called a _card case_. This they can hold in their
+hand, and it will contribute essentially (with an elegant handkerchief
+of embroidered battise,) to give them an air of good taste.
+
+We shall here make a digression in relation to cards. It was not
+considered impolite, formerly, to take the cards of a cast off pack, cut
+them crosswise into three parts, and write one's name upon them; this,
+however, is now a subject of ridicule, and is only seen in provincial
+towns, where they sometimes also substitute for these cards small pieces
+of thick paper. Next to these cards come those made of thin pasteboard,
+smooth, gilt-edged, watered, and intended to have the name in writing.
+These are suitable for young gentlemen and young ladies; and they answer
+for half ceremonious visits. After these, come lithographic cards, then
+printed ones, and last those which are engraved. Some cards are figured
+in a rich manner, presenting every degree of expensive elegance. Every
+one will choose these according to his taste; but it is well to observe
+that cards ornamented with borders, and those of the color of the rose,
+and sky blue, are not suitable for men, nor for ladies of mature years,
+because they have an air of over-nicety.
+
+The title is usually placed under the name, and, in large cities, the
+address, at the bottom of the card and in smaller letters. Mourning
+cards are surmounted with a black margin, half mourning ones are of a
+bright gray.
+
+It is bad _ton_ to keep the cards you have received around the frame of
+a looking glass; such an exposure shows that you wish to make a display
+of the names of distinguished visiters. At the beginning of a new year,
+or when from some cause or other which multiplies visiters at your
+house, (such as a funeral or a marriage,) you are obliged to return
+these numerous calls, it is not amiss to preserve the cards in a
+convenient place, and save yourself the trouble of writing a list; but
+if, during the year, your glass is always seen bristling with
+smoke-dried cards, it will be attributed without doubt, to an
+ill-regulated self-esteem. But let us return to our visiters.
+
+If the call is made in a carriage, the servant will ask if the lady you
+wish to see is at home. If persons call in a hired carriage, or on foot,
+they go themselves to ask the servants. Servants are considered as
+soldiers on duty; if they reply that the person has gone out, we should
+by no means urge the point, even if we were certain it was not the case;
+and if by chance we should see the person, we should appear not to have
+noticed it, but leave our card and retire. When the servant informs us
+that the lady or gentleman is unwell, engaged in business, or dining, we
+must act in a similar manner.
+
+We should leave as many cards as there are persons we wish to see in the
+house; for example, one for the husband, another for his wife, another
+for the aunt, &c. When admitted, we should lay aside our over-shoes,
+umbrella, cloak, &c. in the ante-chamber, even ladies should lay aside
+their cloaks in the houses of distinguished persons. In the provincial
+towns they commonly keep them on. We then are announced by the servant,
+if it is the custom of the house, or at least we wait until (without
+announcing us,) he opens the door of the apartment.
+
+In case of the absence of the servants, you ought not to enter
+immediately, but knock gently with the finger, and wait until some one
+opens the door or bids you come in. If he does neither, you open the
+door slowly and softly: should you find no one, do not go about and open
+other doors, or pass into an inner room, but retrace your steps
+immediately, return to the ante-room, and remain until some one comes to
+give you an introduction. If you are obliged to stay very long, you can
+leave your card on a piece of furniture or with the porter. This is a
+case of rare occurrence; but it is well to provide for it, in order not
+to be taken unawares. When admitted, a gentleman presents himself with
+his hat in his hand, and advancing towards the lady, salutes her
+gracefully and respectfully. As soon as he observes the lady is looking
+for a seat to offer him, he must lose no time in providing one for
+himself (commonly a chair) this he places towards the door by which he
+entered, and at some distance from the lady, to whom he should leave the
+upper part of the room. He ought by no means to sit, except she is
+seated; and holding his hat upon his knee must not balance himself or
+sink down in his chair, but preserve an easy, polite and becoming
+attitude. It would be familiar and bad _ton_ to put down the hat or
+cane, before the gentleman, and particularly the lady of the house, has
+invited you to do it. Even then it is proper to refuse, and not to do it
+until asked two or three times. In putting down the hat, we should not
+do it carelessly, nor ought we to place it on a couch, for this is
+impolite. The couch, which in ancient times was regarded as a sanctuary,
+ought neither to be touched nor approached by a man. It is best to put
+the hat on a bracket or chandelier stand, &c. The lady of a house does
+not attempt to take the hats of gentlemen, except she wishes to treat
+them with familiarity, and this is seldom done in calls of pure
+ceremony.
+
+These remarks will apply also to ladies. Within fifteen years past it
+has been their custom to lay aside their hats and shawls; but that
+supposes an intimacy, which would authorize their abstaining from it at
+the houses of those with whom they are not much acquainted; and, if they
+are invited to lay them aside, they should refuse. The short time
+devoted to a ceremonious visit, the necessity of consulting a glass in
+replacing the head-dress, and of being assisted in putting on the shawl,
+prevent ladies from accepting the invitation to lay them aside. If they
+are slightly familiar with the person they are visiting, and wish to be
+more at ease, they should ask permission, which we should grant them, at
+the same time rising to assist them in taking off their hat and shawl.
+An arm-chair, or a piece of furniture at a distant part of the room
+should receive these articles; they should not be placed upon the couch,
+without the mistress of the house puts them there. At the house of a
+person we visit habitually, we can lay them aside without saying a word,
+and a lady can even adjust her hair and handkerchief, (ficher) before
+the glass, provided she occupies only a few moments in doing it.
+
+If the person you call upon is preparing to go out, or to sit down at
+table, you ought, although he asks you to remain, to retire as soon as
+possible. The person visited so unseasonably, should, on her part, be
+careful to conceal her knowledge that the other wishes the visit ended
+quickly. We should always appear delighted to receive a visiter, and
+should he make a short visit, we must express to him our regret.
+Ceremonious visits should be short; if the conversation ceases without
+being again continued by the person you have come to see, if she gets up
+from her seat under any pretext whatever, custom requires you to make
+your salutation and withdraw.
+
+If, before this tacit invitation to retire, other visiters are
+announced, you should adroitly leave them without saying anything. In
+case the master of the house, in waiting upon you to the door, should
+ask you to remain longer, you should briefly reply to him, that an
+indispensable engagement calls you, and you must entreat him with
+earnestness not to detain you. You should terminate your visit by
+briskly shutting the door.
+
+If, on entering the room, you find strangers engaged in conversation,
+content yourself with the few words which the master or mistress of the
+house shall address to you; stop only a few moments, make a general
+salutation, and conduct yourself as in the preceding case. When you have
+happened to meet the strangers elsewhere, they may unite sometimes with
+the person you are visiting, to prevent your taking leave; reply in a
+polite and flattering manner, but still persist in retiring. If while
+you are present, a letter is brought to the person you are visiting, and
+she should lay it down without opening it, you must entreat her to read
+it; she will not do it, and this circumstance will warn you to shorten
+your visit.
+
+When you make a half ceremonious call, and the person you are visiting,
+insists upon your stopping, it is proper to do so, but after a few
+minutes you should rise to go: if you are urged still further, and are
+taken by the hands and made to sit down as it were by force, to leave
+immediately would be impolite, but nevertheless you must, after a short
+interval, get up a third time, and then certainly retire. If, during
+your call, a member of the family enters the room, you need not on this
+account take leave, but content yourself by rising, and saluting the
+person. If a lady, you must not seat yourself until she sits down; if a
+gentleman, you can yield to the invitation made you to take your seat,
+while the other remains standing. If you make a visit with others, there
+are some points to be observed in relation to your companions. In going
+up the staircase, it is rigorously the custom to give precedence to
+those to whom you owe respect, and to yield to such persons the most
+convenient part of the stairs, which is that next the wall. Above all,
+do not forget this last caution if you accompany a lady; and a well-bred
+gentleman, at such a time, should offer his arm. When there are many
+persons, he should bestow this mark of respect on the oldest. If you
+meet any one on the staircase, place yourself on the side opposite to
+the one he occupies. It would be vexatious and out of place to make an
+everlasting ceremony as to who should be announced first; the preference
+must be given to ladies; next to them, to age and rank. The time of
+taking leave should be also determined by ladies, or by aged persons,
+and those who are of consequence. It would be impolite to wish to retire
+before they gave the signal. We should add, that it is unsuitable for
+more than three or four to visit together. Persons of high ton are
+accompanied even to the ante-room by one or two servants, who receive
+them again when going out.
+
+To carry children or dogs with one on a visit of ceremony, is altogether
+vulgar and provincial. Even in half-ceremonious visits, it is necessary
+to leave one's dog in the ante-room, as well as the nurse who holds the
+infant, for this circumstance alone excuses such a suite. As to animals,
+it is a thousand times better not to have them at all.
+
+We justly reproach inhabitants of the province for lavishing salutations
+in meeting people, or in taking leave of them. This custom, which may
+make us contract a reservedness or too much familiarity, is extremely
+ridiculous. Is it not difficult to keep one's countenance, when we see a
+visiter salute every article of furniture, to turn and turn again
+twenty times as you conduct him, and pour forth at every pause a volley
+of salutations and adieus? Our readers will beware of this over
+politeness; they will salute the first time, at the moment they take
+leave, and again, when the person who conducts them back shall have
+stopped at the door. We have before said that when we do not find
+persons at home, or when we are afraid of disturbing them, we leave a
+card; but this is not what we call particularly _visits by card_
+(_visites par cartes_). In these last visits, it is not our object to
+see the persons, since we do not ask for them, and we confine ourselves
+to giving our card to the porter or domestic. This custom, which has
+been introduced necessarily among persons of very general acquaintance,
+and especially at times when every one ought to be visited, as on the
+new-year's day,--this custom so far is not ridiculous, but it becomes so
+by the great extent which has been given to it for some time past. This
+extent consists in making a visit without leaving our apartment; that is
+to say, merely by sending our card by a domestic, or indeed by means of
+an agency established for this purpose. The practice of visits by cards,
+seems to persons of good society the most impertinent and vulgar thing
+which can be imagined. Do not then permit it, except when the question
+is about returning visits made in this way; and do not use such
+retaliations, except to prevent these ill-advised visiters from thinking
+that you put yourself out to oblige them.
+
+In works devoted to the instruction of the laws of propriety, we think
+only of fortune and affluence; we entirely forget people of a more
+modest condition, and when we find ourselves in connexion with them, we
+cry out against their impoliteness. It is an injustice, and in my
+opinion, a false calculation. An injustice, because true politeness
+pertains less to rank, than to uprightness and goodness of heart; a
+false calculation, for to refuse to initiate people into what renders
+the social relations easy and agreeable, is to prepare for ourselves
+collision and vexation, and to retard as much as is in our power, the
+practice of the forms of civilization.
+
+Despising then this foolish disdain, we shall applaud the great care of
+persons not in affluence, who, having neither porter nor domestic, place
+at their door a slate furnished with a pencil, that in their absence
+visiters may write their names; for these visiters are seldom such as
+carry cards. We shall applaud the benevolent care of persons whose
+staircase is not lighted, or whose apartment is in the upper stories,
+and who leave with the porter a candle which every one who arrives,
+takes, in order to ascend, and returns it again on descending. If any
+of our rich readers should be tempted to smile at the announcement of
+these precautions of the more humble citizens, we would remind them that
+they are entirely strangers to the spirit of politeness, of which these
+precautions are a striking example.
+
+This digression naturally leads us to the second part of our task
+relative to visits, concerning the duties which politeness imposes as to
+receiving them, for it is not less important to receive people well,
+than to present ourselves well to them.
+
+Before passing to this important subject, it would seem my duty to
+finish what remains for me to say concerning visits, by the mention of
+visits of audience, of congratulation, of condolence, and of repast; but
+except the first, to which I am going to devote a few words, details of
+all the others will be found in the chapters devoted to conversation, to
+formalities of repasts, of mourning, &c.
+
+We should not merely call upon ministers, heads of the public
+administration, and very distinguished persons; we must beforehand
+request of them by writing a place of meeting and must specify the
+object of our visit. We must call upon them at the appointed hour; we
+must abstain from inquiring after their health, and observe strictly the
+obligations of decorum. These visits, which are the acme of ceremony,
+ought necessarily to be very short.
+
+We shall see, in the chapter on _Epistolary Propriety_, what titles are
+proper to be given to these important personages. It is well to be
+furnished with a letter of admission, that in case of necessity we may
+show it to the servant.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+_Of the Manner of Receiving Visitors._
+
+
+To receive visitors with ease and elegance, and in such a manner that
+everything in you, and about you, shall partake of propriety and grace,
+to endeavor that people may always be satisfied when they leave you, and
+desirous to come again,--such are the obligations of the master, and
+especially of the mistress of a house.
+
+Everything in the house, ought, as far as possible, to offer English
+_comfort_, and French grace. Perfect order, exquisite neatness and
+elegance which easily dispenses with being sumptuous, ought to mark the
+entrance of the house, the furniture and the dress of the lady.
+
+In a house where affluence abounds, it is indispensable to have a
+drawing-room, for it is troublesome and in bad _ton_ to receive visits
+in a lodging-room, at one's own dwelling. This may indeed do for a mere
+call; but it becomes almost ridiculous when, after dinner, it is
+necessary to pass into this room to take coffee, if you are receiving a
+small company, &c. This custom is not any longer adopted, except in the
+provincial towns and among persons who do not pride themselves on their
+good _ton_.
+
+To receive company in a dining-room, is not allowed except among those
+persons who cannot bear the expense of furnishing a parlor or
+drawing-room. Simplicity, admitted into an apartment of this kind,
+suited to the smallness of their means, we cannot but approve, while we
+regret nevertheless, the disagreeable things to which such a residence
+subjects them. But we have, in this respect, an express warning to make
+to people who give themselves up to it unnecessarily, for it is
+altogether opposed to the received usages of good society to put
+yourselves in a situation which you cannot adorn, where you cannot place
+arm-chairs, a chimney-piece, a glass, a clock, and all things useful to
+persons who come to see you; where you are exposed to receiving twenty
+visits during dinner; of seeing as many interruptions during the setting
+of your table, since it is impossible to spread the cloth while
+strangers remain; finally, of making them witnesses of your domestic
+cares while removing the remains of a repast, the table-cloth,
+dishes, &c.
+
+Young mothers of families who wish to have with them their children,
+(troublesome guests, in a drawing-room, as every one knows,) think that
+they may remain in the dining-room, and have strangers conducted into
+an adjacent apartment. That this may not be inconvenient, it is
+necessary to observe three things; first, that strangers be admitted
+into this apartment before seeing the mistress of the house, because
+they would not fail to create difficulties, by saying that they did not
+wish to disturb her; second, that the apartment be constantly warmed in
+winter; third, that in summer it should be furnished precisely as an
+occupied chamber, for nothing is worse than to conduct people into a
+room which seems to be to let.
+
+Unless from absolute inability, you ought to light your staircase. If
+the practices of good domestic economy regulated by the cares of
+civilization, were more generally extended, a staircase not lighted
+would not often be found.
+
+After having thus cast a rapid glance into the interior of the house,
+let us see in what manner it is necessary to receive visitors.
+
+When we see any one enter, whether announced or not, we rise
+immediately, advance toward them, request them to sit down, avoiding
+however the old form of, '_Take the trouble to be seated_.' If it is a
+young man, we offer him an arm-chair, or a stuffed one; if an elderly
+man, we insist upon his accepting the arm-chair; if a lady, we beg her
+to be seated upon the ottoman. If the master of the house receives the
+visitors, he will take a chair and place himself at a little distance
+from them; if, on the contrary, it is the mistress of the house, and if
+she is intimate with the lady who visits her, she will place herself
+near her. If several ladies come at a time, we give this last place to
+the one most distinguished by rank. In winter, the most honorable places
+are those at the corner of the fire-place; in proportion as they place
+you in front of the fire, your seat is considered inferior in rank.
+Moreover, when it happens to be a respectable married lady, and one to
+whom we wish to do honor, we take her by the hand and conduct her to the
+corner of the fire-place. If this place is occupied by a young lady, she
+ought to rise and offer her seat to the other lady, taking for herself a
+chair in the middle of the circle.
+
+A mistress of a house ought to watch anxiously that they experience no
+restraint before her; consequently, she will take care to present
+screens to the ladies seated in front of the fire; she will move under
+their feet tabourets, or what is better, pads, (coussins) but never
+foot-stoves. If she is alone with an intimate acquaintance, she will
+request her to take hers, but she will never extend this politeness to a
+gentleman.
+
+If a door or window happens to be open in the room in summer time, we
+should ask of visitors, if it incommodes them.
+
+If a lady who receives a half ceremonious visit is sewing, she ought to
+leave off immediately, and not resume it except at the request of the
+visitor. If they are on quite intimate terms, she ought herself to
+request permission to continue. If a person visits in an entirely
+ceremonious way, it would be very impolite to work even an instant.
+Moreover, even with friends, we should hardly be occupied with our work,
+but should seem to forget it on their account.
+
+In proportion as the visitor is a stranger, the master or mistress of
+the house rises, and any persons who may be already there are obliged to
+do the same. Some of them then withdraw; in this case, if the master and
+the mistress of the house have with them any persons of their family,
+after having conducted as far as the door those who are going, they
+request one of their relations to take their place. If the case be
+otherwise, it is necessary to choose between the persons who remain and
+those who retire. If the latter are superior in rank, age or
+consideration, we must give them the preference, and _vice versa_. But
+however respectable the person be who departs, we may dispense with
+conducting them farther than the door of the room.
+
+The manner in which we should usually re-conduct visitors is regulated
+in an invariable manner. If it is a lady who is to be accompanied, the
+master of the house takes her hand, passes it under his arm, and thus
+leads her as far as the bottom of the staircase, unless the steps be so
+narrow that two cannot go abreast. It is no longer the custom to give
+the hand to ladies, but to offer them the arm. This new custom does not
+at all change the ancient rule of propriety which requires that in
+descending a staircase, we should give the side next the wall to the
+lady whom we accompany; we commonly present to her the right arm,
+provided however, that necessity does not oblige us, in order to avoid
+placing her next the balustrade, to offer the left. If she is to return
+in a carriage, we should politely hand her into it.
+
+In the provincial towns, they conduct all or almost all visitors, as far
+as the street door, unless they are gentlemen and have visited a lady.
+She ought then to accompany them, as is always done in Paris, that is to
+say, as far as the door of the room, or the head of the stairs.
+Parisians add to this custom an agreeable civility; they hold the door
+open, and standing upon the threshold or edge of the staircase, follow
+with their eyes the visitor until he turns round to make the last
+salutation or adieu, or to request the host to return.
+
+We no longer practice that frank and open hospitality of the provinces,
+by virtue of which, in the middle of winter, we request people to
+_refresh_ themselves with some solid eatables. Such a proposal would now
+excite a smile. We do not make any such offer to visitors, but under
+these circumstances. First, during very hot weather, we invite them to
+take a glass of syrup, or of iced water. Second, if any one is reading,
+we offer him _eau sucrée_, that is, the little household article to
+which we have given that name. Third, we offer orange flower water to a
+lady who happens to be suddenly indisposed. Excepting these cases, we
+make no offer of this kind. If any one wishes to refresh himself, he
+requests the mistress of the house to allow him to ring the bell. After
+assent is given, he asks of the domestic who comes, whatever he
+desires.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+_Of the Carriage of the Body._
+
+
+The carriage of the body seems so simple, so common, and so easy a
+thing, that undoubtedly on seeing this title, many readers will think I
+design to send them back to _puerile_ and _plain civility_. But if they
+will take the pains to reflect upon the numberless violations of
+propriety in the carriage of the body, of which they are daily
+witnesses; if they will call to the mind the many strange motions,
+ridiculous gestures, pretending attitudes, affected looks, and clownish
+movements; if they will recollect that the carriage of the body ought to
+be in perfect harmony with the situation, age, mind and sex, and a
+distinguishing trait of the physiognomy; if they will consider the
+unfavorable prejudices to which a disdainful, immodest, or vulgar
+deportment give rise, they will understand my anxiety in this respect.
+
+It is without doubt impossible to notice all faults in the carriage of
+the body. This volume would not be sufficient for it; we must be
+satisfied therefore with designating the principal ones.
+
+To look steadily at any one, especially if you are a lady and are
+speaking to a gentleman; to turn the head frequently on one side and the
+other during conversation; to balance yourself upon your chair; to bend
+forward; to strike your hands upon your knees; to hold one of your knees
+between your hands locked together; to cross your legs; to extend your
+feet on the andirons; to admire yourself with complacency in a glass; to
+adjust in an affected manner your cravat, hair, dress, handkerchief; to
+remain without gloves; to fold carefully your shawl, instead of throwing
+it with graceful negligence upon a table, &c.; to fret about a hat which
+you have just left off; to laugh immoderately; to place your hand upon
+the person with whom you are conversing; to take him by the buttons, the
+collar of his coat, the cuffs, the waist, &c.; to seize ladies by the
+waist, or to touch their person; to roll the eyes, or to raise them with
+affectation; to take snuff from the box of your neighbor, or to offer it
+to strangers, especially to ladies; to play continually with the seals
+of your watch, a chain, or a fan; to beat time with the feet and hands;
+to whirl round a chair on one leg; to shake with your feet the chair of
+your neighbor; to stroke your face; rub your hands continually; wink
+your eyes; shrug up your shoulders; stamp with your feet, &c.;--all
+these bad habits, of which we ought never to speak to people, among
+those who are witnesses of them, and are in the highest degree
+displeasing.
+
+The carriage of the body is as expressive as the tone of voice, and
+perhaps more so, because it is more constant; it betrays to the observer
+all the shades of character, and we ought to be very careful of thus
+making a general confession, by affected manners, a pretending
+deportment, sneering ways, rough movements, a hard countenance,
+impertinent signs and looks, simpering smiles, clownish gestures, a
+nonchalant and effeminate posture, or a carriage of the body
+distinguished by prudery and stiffness.
+
+Young ladies, and very young men little habituated to the world, ought
+to be on their guard against excessive timidity, for it not only
+paralyzes their powers, renders them awkward, and gives them an almost
+silly air, but it may even cause them to be accused of pride, among
+people who do not know that embarrassment frequently takes the form of
+superciliousness. How often does it happen that timid persons do not
+salute you at all, answer in a low voice, or very ill, omit a thousand
+little duties of society, and fail in a numberless agreeable attentions,
+for want of courage? These attentions, and these duties, they discharge
+in _petto_, but who will thank them for it? A proper degree of
+confidence, but not degenerating into assurance, still less into
+boldness or familiarity, is then one of the most desirable qualities in
+the world. To obtain which, we most observe the _ton_, and the manners
+of polite and benevolent people, take them for our guides, and, under
+their direction, make continual efforts to conquer our timidity.
+
+Propriety in the carriage of the body is especially indispensable to
+ladies. It is by this that, in a walk, a ball, or any assembly, people
+who cannot converse with them, judge of their merit and their good
+education. How many dancers move off, and how many persons sigh with
+pity, at the sight of a beautiful woman who has a mincing way, affects
+grace, inclines her head affectedly, and who seems to admire herself
+incessantly, and to invite others to admire her also. Who ever makes up
+his mind to enter into conversation with an immovable lady, and one who
+is formal and precise, lengthening out the body, pressing the lips, and
+carrying back the elbows as if they were fastened to her side?
+
+The gait of a lady ought neither to be too quick nor too slow; the most
+easy and most convenient step is that which fatigues the least and
+pleases most. The body and the head should be erect without affectation
+and without haughtiness; the movements, especially those of the arms,
+easy and natural. The countenance should be pleasant and modest.
+
+It is not in good _ton_ for a lady to speak too quick or too loud. When
+seated, she ought neither to cross her legs, nor take a vulgar attitude.
+She should occupy her chair entirely, and appear neither too restless,
+nor too immovable. It is altogether out of place for her to throw her
+drapery around her in sitting down, or to spread out her dress for
+display, as upstarts do in order to avoid the least rumple.
+
+But what is especially insupportable in this sex is, an inquiet, bold,
+and imperious air; for it is unnatural, and not allowable in any case.
+If a lady has cares, let her conceal them from the world, or not go into
+it. Whatever be her merit, let her not forget that she may be a man by
+the superiority of her mind and decision of character, but that
+externally she ought to be a woman! She ought to present herself as a
+being made to please, to love, and to seek a support; a being inferior
+to man, and near to angels. An affectionate, complying, and almost timid
+aspect, a tender solicitude for those who are about her, should be shown
+in her whole person. Her face should breathe hope, gentleness and
+satisfaction; dejection, anxiety, and ill-humor should be constantly
+banished.
+
+Before leaving a subject so fruitful, I shall point out to my readers
+two examples of a bad position. The one is a _fashionable_ with his head
+stiff, a borrowed air, his leg strained out, trembling lest he should
+disarrange the symmetry of his cravat, and lest he should pucker his
+pantaloons, his sleeve or the collar of his coat.
+
+The other is an awkward person, with his feet drawn together and placed
+upon the round of the chair, his hands spread out upon his knees, his
+shoulders sunk, and his mouth half open. Between these two caricatures
+there are many degrees which are ridiculous, but which we leave to the
+sagacity of our readers to appreciate. We come now to our instructions
+in respect to conversation. They are so important, that we think it our
+duty to divide them into two parts, namely; physical proprieties, and
+moral proprieties.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+_Of Physical Proprieties in Conversation._
+
+
+This first division will comprehend the physical care of the organs we
+use in conversation, our movements, the manner of listening,
+pronunciation, and purity of speech in a grammatical view.
+
+
+SECTION I.
+
+_Physical Observances in Conversation._
+
+Conversation is the principal, not to say the only means of pleasing,
+and making our way in the world. How does it happen then, that so many
+persons converse, without being troubled at the ridicule thrown upon
+themselves, and the _ennui_ they occasion their hearers; without going
+into the inquiry, whether they have not some physical qualities which
+present more or less obstacles to the art of conversing well, or without
+thinking of the means of correcting them!
+
+We shall point out some faults and the means of remedying them. It is
+essential in speaking, to be well on our guard not to protrude the
+tongue too near the edge of the lips. This bad habit has many great
+inconveniences: it occasions a kind of disagreeable hissing, produced by
+the immediate contact of this organ as it passes the teeth; and exposes
+us to throw out saliva.[13] When an unfortunate habit or too great a
+development of the tongue produces these accidents, we should take care
+to keep this unlucky organ out of the way on one side of the gums or the
+other. As to the fault which is opposite to this, that is, stammering,
+by reason of too small size of the tongue, we should practice when we
+are alone speaking distinctly. To declaim and to exercise ourselves upon
+the words which present the greatest difficulties, is a useful exercise.
+
+There are some persons in whom the saliva is so abundant, that it makes
+their pronunciation thick; such persons should accustom themselves to
+swallow it before beginning to speak.
+
+Politeness in accordance with health, requires that our teeth should be
+perfectly clean. A yellow and foul set of teeth, which emit an odor,
+will not suffer any one to be sensible to our grace or the eloquence of
+our language. Feelings of disgust are without appeal.
+
+Some persons who have fine teeth, have the lamentable fault of showing
+them in speaking; this ridiculous vanity excites laughter, and besides,
+injures the physiognomy: it is not necessary to conceal the teeth to the
+utmost, but always without affectation. To use a tooth-pick while
+speaking, to carry the fingers to the gums, to hold a flower between the
+teeth, are habits of bad _ton_.
+
+To open the mouth widely when one speaks, especially when making an
+exclamation of wonder or surprise; to draw the mouth on one side to give
+ourselves the air of an original; to contract it, in order to make it
+small; to laugh violently in an unmeaning and boisterous manner; to
+impart to the lips, trembling and convulsive motions when any one
+relates or reads something sad or terrible; to force our breath into the
+face of the person we are conversing with--all these are shocking
+faults, and insupportable grimaces.
+
+
+  [13] When this accident happens to any one, you must appear not to
+       perceive it.
+
+
+SECTION II.
+
+_Of Gestures._
+
+To act a pantomine with every word, cannot be tolerated; extended or
+numerous gestures, which do not accord with the conversation; mysterious
+signs accompanying the announcement of the most simple thing; abrupt
+gestures, in friendly conversation; mincing gestures, in serious
+conversation; rapid movements of the person, sitting or standing, and
+who seems to be performing a sort of a dance--all these are equally
+great faults against propriety and good taste.
+
+We should not absolutely condemn gestures, which, according to the Abbé
+Delille, give physiognomy to our conversation. Moderate action
+corresponding to our words, and by turns a little comic, lively, and
+graceful, are allowable, and even indispensable. The left hand must not
+move, but a significant and exact co-operation of the right hand, should
+never be wanting in conversation: but I must censure dialogists, who put
+their hand into their pockets or work-bags, who always rest them joined
+or crossed, without making any gesture. Such persons give themselves the
+air of automatons, while, on the other hand, excessive gesticulators,
+have the appearance of madmen.
+
+Those persons who in conversing, violently seize hold of the arm of
+their chair; play with little objects which come under their hands; who
+amuse themselves by scratching or defacing furniture, turning their hat
+backwards and forwards, twisting and untwisting the strings of their
+bag, or the ends of their cravat, are, without doubt, ignorant how much
+opposed to politeness, are these degrees of familiarity, childishness
+and embarrassment. I will briefly add, that those who are witnesses of
+all these ridiculous actions, ought never to notice them, unless they
+wish to be still more ridiculous themselves.
+
+
+SECTION III.
+
+_Of the Talent of Listening to Others._
+
+To converse, is not to talk continually, as prattlers suppose; it is to
+listen and speak in our turn; we must not acquit ourselves the less well
+in the one than in the other. To do this, we should attend half of the
+time to the person who is addressing us, (on this account it is impolite
+to do any work while talking;) if they hesitate or are embarrassed, you
+should appear not to notice it, and in case you are a little acquainted,
+after a few moments, you should, in a very modest manner, supply the
+word which seems to have escaped them. If they are interrupted by any
+incident, when the cause of the interruption shall have ceased, you will
+not wait until they resume the conversation, but with a smile of
+benevolence, and an engaging gesture, request them to proceed; _please
+to continue; you were just saying?_--If we are obliged in this manner,
+to palliate any such interruption, much more, ought we never to allow
+ourselves to be the cause of it. This is so rigorous a rule, that if,
+in the warmth of conversation, two persons commence speaking at once,
+both ought to stop immediately, when they perceive it, and each, while
+excusing themselves, to decline proceeding. It is proper for the one
+worthy of the most respect to resume the conversation.
+
+If a person shall relate anything to you, who, without having any
+pleasantry, makes attempts at it; and without being affecting, endeavors
+to move you, however wearied you may be, appear pleased and assume an
+air of interest. If the narrator wanders into long digressions, have
+patience to let him extricate himself alone from the labyrinth of his
+story. If the history is interminable, be resigned, and do not appear
+less attentive. This condescension is especially to be observed, if you
+are listening to an elderly or respectable person. If the merciless
+story-teller is your equal or friend, you may say to him, in order to
+induce him to finish his narration, _and finally_--
+
+Novices in the customs of the world, think they can abruptly interrupt a
+conversation which is begun, by asking to have some incidents, which
+they have not understood, explained, or by making the person who is
+telling the story repeat the names; this should not be done until after
+some consideration, and in the most polite manner. If the narrator
+pronounces badly; if you see that other hearers are in the same
+situation as yourself; if you foresee that for want of having followed
+him in his narration, you will not be able to reply with politeness, you
+can in this case, interrupt; but in some such manner as this; _I ask
+your pardon, Sir, I fear I have lost some part of your interesting
+conversation, will you be kind enough to repeat it_, &c. It is necessary
+also, to choose a favorable moment, as for instance, when the narrator
+pauses, hesitates for a word, or stops to take his handkerchief.
+
+When a person relates to you a plain falsehood, the art of listening
+becomes embarrassing, for if you seem to believe it, you would pass for
+a fool, and if you appear to doubt it, you will pass for an uncivil
+person. An air of coldness, a slight attention, an expression like the
+following, _That is astonishing_, will extricate you honorably from your
+embarrassment; but when an event is narrated which is only
+extraordinary, or not improbable, your manner should be otherwise. Your
+countenance should express astonishment, and you should reply by a
+phrase of this kind; _If I did not know your strict regard for the
+truth, or if any person but you had told me this, I should have hardly
+believed it._ Under no circumstances should you interrupt him.
+
+It happens sometimes that you foresee some incident in an interesting
+story; and the pleasure that you find in this; the desire of showing
+that you have guessed correctly, and the intention of proving how much
+you are interested, induce you to interrupt suddenly in this manner, _I
+see it, it is so, exactly_. An interruption of this kind, although well
+meant and natural, will offend old persons, who like to tell a story at
+full length, and will confound formal narrators, who will be in despair
+that a phrase is taken from them which they had intended for effect;
+these interruptions are only allowable among our intimate friends, or
+inferiors, for otherwise you will have an ill-humored answer to your _I
+see it_, &c. as with a triumphant air, _egad, but you can't see it_, &c.
+which is always embarrassing.
+
+The worst kind of interruption of all others, is that which hauteur
+dictates. A clever person seizing hold of a story which another is
+telling, and with the intention of making it more lively, becomes,
+notwithstanding his eloquence, a model of impertinence and vulgarity.
+
+It is, doubtless, hard to see a fool spoil a good anecdote, of which he
+might have made something interesting; but if we should not be
+restrained by politeness from expressing our feelings, we ought to be by
+interest. Now hearers of delicacy will remain silent to the conclusion
+of the recital, and will address themselves with good feelings to the
+poor narrator who is injured in his rights.
+
+Interruption is pardonable if it is made to prove or clear up a fact in
+favor of a person who is absent. When they accuse you, you can,
+according to strict rules, interrupt by an exclamation, but it is better
+to do it by a gesture.
+
+There is often much art and grace in listening, while you gesticulate
+gently; for example, by counting upon the fingers; by making a gesture
+of surprise; by a motion of assent, or an exclamation. This is a tacit
+manner of saying, _ah, I recollect, you are right_, and charms the
+narrator without interrupting him.
+
+In a lively, animated and friendly dialogue, we can interrupt each other
+by turns, in order to finish a sentence which is begun, or to improve an
+epithet; this contributes to vivacity in discourse, but it ought not,
+however, to be too often repeated.
+
+There are many shoals to be avoided in listening, and which always
+betray inexperience in society. To say from time to time to the
+narrator, _Yes, yes_, by nodding the head, making motions with the hand,
+a custom of old persons, and which is a good representation of a
+pendulum; to keep the eyes fixed and the mouth gaping open; to have an
+air of an absent person or of one in a reverie; to point the finger at
+persons designated by the narrator; to gape without concealing by the
+hand or the handkerchief, which is by no means flattering to the
+speaker; to cast your eye frequently towards the clock--all these habits
+are offences against good _ton_.
+
+
+SECTION IV.
+
+_Of Pronunciation._
+
+Pronunciation is still more indispensable in conversation than
+elocution; for indeed before selecting our expressions, we must make
+them understood, and one can do this but imperfectly if he pronounces
+badly. From this fault arise forced repetitions, the loss of what is
+appropriate, fatigue, disgust, the impatience of the two persons
+speaking, and in fine, all the sad results of deafness. Should we not
+use every effort to rid ourselves of this?
+
+The first, the greatest impediment to pronouncing well, is volubility.
+By speaking too fast, we speak confusedly, and utter inarticulate and
+unintelligible sounds, and this, without dispute, is of all the faults
+in pronunciation, the most insupportable. We know very well, that to
+speak too slowly, and as they say, to listen to our own words, is a
+caprice which seems to denote pride or nonchalance; and that in certain
+cases it is necessary to speak quickly; but we ought never to speak
+precipitately, even on subjects which require us to be brief. Besides
+the physical inconvenience, indistinctness has other moral
+inconveniences: it supposes heedlessness, loquacity, or foolishness.
+
+Next comes hesitancy, which is little less troublesome, for it fills the
+conversation with ridiculous and painful efforts. This defect which is
+sometimes owing to the organization, happens still more frequently from
+neglecting to think before we speak, from timidity, from some lively
+emotion which obliges us to stammer, or from a formal anxiety to make
+use of select terms. This last motive is almost an excess. With the
+intention of pleasing persons, you weary them by repetitions, by
+far-fetched mincing words, and in order to appear clever, you render
+yourself excessively annoying.
+
+The habits acquired in childhood and in small towns, and a provincial
+accent, are frequently obstacles to good pronunciation; let us instance
+some examples of this. It is not uncommon to hear, even among those who
+are considered as correct speakers, in general, such a misuse of words
+as the following: _Me_ for _I_, _Miss_ for _Mrs._, _set_ for _sit_, _sat
+out_ for _set out_, _expect_, (of a passed event;) _lay_ for _lie_,
+_shew_ for _showed_, _would_ for _should_, _hadn't ought_ for _ought
+not_, &c. As to accent, each province has its peculiarities. To
+discover it, to shun it, and to modify it by an opposite effort, are the
+means of avoiding these shoals; but however ridiculous we may appear in
+running upon them continually, we are a hundred times less so than those
+people who, like true pedagogues, stop you in the midst of an affecting
+recital, to repeat with a sardonic smile, a vulgar phrase, a word badly
+pronounced, or a wrong accent which happens to escape you.
+
+Not only among persons of good society, should we condemn pedantry in
+pronunciation, but we ought, moreover, with Rousseau, to blame
+over-nicety of pronunciation or _purism_. He could not tolerate (and
+many others like him,) those people so particular in sounding every
+letter of a word.[14]
+
+Besides a general accent, there is also a particular accent, which gives
+a shade to the words, when we express a sentiment. We feel all its
+delicacy and its charm, but we feel also that it ought to be in perfect
+harmony with the language; that it ought to be free from all
+affectation, and all exaggeration. To utter hard things in a tone of
+mildness; to display in a humble voice proud pretensions; to open a
+political discussion in a caressing tone; to recount an affair of
+pleasantry with a melancholy accent,--is ridiculous in the highest
+degree. It is no less so, to force the accent, to pervert it into irony;
+or to introduce into discourse, a sort of declamation or tone.
+
+We cannot judge by the accent of a person who speaks too high or too
+low, but we decide, in the first case, that he is vulgar, and in the
+second, that he is disdainful.
+
+
+  [14] The examples in the original, are the final letters of the words,
+       _tabac_, _sang_, _estomac_. In English, some persons are as
+       scrupulous in the distinct pronunciation of every letter in such
+       words as _extra-ordinary_, _Wed-nes-day_, &c.--_T._
+
+
+SECTION V.
+
+_Of Correctness in Speaking._
+
+_'Surtout qu'en vos discours la langue révérée.'_
+
+In addressing this advice to readers, we shall beware of considering
+them as strangers to the rules of grammar; it is so shameful at the
+present day to be ignorant of one's own language, that it would not be
+less so, to suspect others of not knowing it; but although we may not be
+deprived of this indispensable knowledge, it is still necessary
+carefully to beware of contracting bad habits in language; of using bad
+phrases, and even of using terms of which we know not the import; a
+little study and attention will afford a certain remedy to the
+embarrassment which we might experience.
+
+Young people cannot too much guard against these faults, which show an
+education that has been little attended to. They will arrive at it by
+studying a good grammarian, and by paying attention to the sense of
+their words.
+
+If, in the silence of the study, we have much trouble in rendering
+correctly a long sentence, how must it be in the world, when the
+earnestness of conversation prevents us from reflecting? To make long
+phrases, is to be willing to make mistakes in language; and if we take
+time to present these interminable sentences in a correct form, we only
+appear the more clumsy, or the more pretending, for conversation ought
+never to seem labored, and the expression and the thoughts ought to be
+of a simultaneous casting.
+
+Avoid the pronouns _who_, _which_, particularly when they are
+interrogatives; for although the grammar does not absolutely condemn
+their frequency, yet as it is useless and disagreeable to the ear, we
+should endeavor to avoid it. Thus, instead of _who is it who did such a
+thing?_--_what is this thing that is here?_ say, _who did such a
+thing?_--_what is this thing?_
+
+Persons who are careful of their conversation, avoid, as faults of
+language, expressions which certainly do not deserve this title, but
+which injure the clearness, elegance, and harmony of conversation. Thus
+they will abstain from uniting those words which, being in conflict as
+to their meaning and pronunciation, make an ambiguity, except when
+written. They carefully beware of accumulating synonymes and epithets
+profusely, or at least, of forgetting with regard to these last, the
+laws of gradation; of multiplying adverbs, which burden and weaken
+discourse; they pay great attention to the requirements of euphony, and,
+in order to this, avoid bringing near to each other, words of similar
+sound, and of repeating similar words even of the same meaning, such as
+_at present we offer a present_, _it does a good deal of good_.
+
+These scrupulous and privileged talkers are particularly careful of the
+connecting particles, for they know how much their omission injures
+euphony; how it causes persons who are little charitable, to believe
+that it is a covering, under which are adroitly concealed doubt or
+ignorance, and this opinion is not always a prejudice.
+
+I had forgotten to say that our skilful talkers endeavor not to furnish,
+by fortuitous coincidences of words, opportunities for puns; that in the
+mode of their conversation, they avoid rhymes so unfortunate and even
+ridiculous in prose; that they dread repetitions of phrases, and axioms,
+as the repetitions of words; that by short and judicious pauses, they
+mark the punctuation in the spoken as in the written language; finally,
+that they endeavor to render their conversation clear, correct and
+elegant; but these talking-models would be in less danger of defeating
+their object, if they had less of the precise air of a pedagogue. So far
+from this, if a grammatical error escapes them, they quickly correct it,
+but with ease and gaiety. If they hear a gross grammatical error, they
+do not allow themselves even a smile, or a look which could indicate
+their feeling, or trouble the one guilty of the error.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+_Of the Moral Observances in Conversation._
+
+
+_Goodness, moderation and decorum_--these are the motto and the soul of
+moral propriety in conversation.
+
+A solicitude to be always agreeable and obliging; of observing a proper
+medium in everything; of respecting the rights of others, even in the
+most trifling things; susceptibility for every thing which is connected
+with delicacy, piety, and modesty--all these qualities which belong to
+politeness, are included in these expressive words; _goodness_,
+_moderation_, _decorum_.
+
+
+SECTION I.
+
+_Of Formal and Vulgar Usages._
+
+In the first rank of customary formalities, we place those concerning
+information about the health. We shall, necessarily, have little to say
+on this head; there are, however, some little rules which are not to be
+neglected.
+
+It is proper to vary the phraseology of these formal questions, as much
+as possible; and we must abstain from them entirely, towards a superior,
+or a person with whom we are but little acquainted, for such inquiries
+presuppose some degree of intimacy. In the last case, there is a method
+of manifesting our interest, without violating etiquette; it consists in
+making these inquiries of the domestics, or of other persons of the
+house, and of saying afterwards when introduced; 'I am happy Sir, to
+hear that you are in good health.'
+
+Custom forbids a lady to make these inquiries of a gentleman, unless he
+is ill or very aged. To put a corrective upon this mark of regard, a
+lady who addresses a gentleman, should be earnest in her inquiries of
+the health of his family, however little intimacy she may have with
+them. Many persons ask this question mechanically, without waiting for
+the answer, or else hasten to reply, before they have received it. This
+is in bad _ton_. Inquiries about the health, it is true, are frequently
+unimportant, but they should appear to be dictated by attention and
+kindness. We must not however be deceived, but be careful not to mention
+a slight indisposition to persons who are strangers to us, because
+their interest can be only formal.
+
+After we are informed of the health of the person we are visiting, it is
+proper to inquire of them in relation to the health of their families;
+but it would be wearisome to them, to make a long enumeration of the
+members who compose the family. We can put a general question,
+designating the most important members. In case of the absence of near
+relations, we ask the person we are visiting, if they have heard from
+them lately, if the news is favorable. They, on their part, ask the same
+of us.
+
+When you are not on visits of great ceremony, at the time of taking
+leave, you are commonly desired to give the compliments and salutations
+of the persons you are visiting to those with whom you live, then you
+should reply briefly, but give them assurances of your regard, and thank
+them.
+
+Politeness infuses into visits of some little ceremony, a coloring of
+modesty, grace, and deference, which should be preserved with the
+greatest care.
+
+In speaking, it is always proper to give the name of _Sir_, _Madam_, or
+_Miss_, and if the sentence is somewhat long, the title ought to be
+repeated. If the question is with regard to answering in the affirmative
+or negative, we ought never to say roughly _yes_ or _no_.
+
+If the person addressed has a title, or that which he has from his
+profession, we should give it him, as _Count_, _Doctor_, &c. In case we
+meet with many persons of the same profession, we can then distinguish
+them, adding their name to the title.
+
+A lady will not say, my husband, except among intimates; in every other
+case, she should address him by his name, calling him _Mr._ It is
+equally good _ton_ that except on occasions of ceremony, and while she
+is quite young, to designate him by his christian name.
+
+But when one speaks to a gentleman of the lady to whom he is married, he
+should not say _your wife_, unless he is intimately acquainted, but
+_Mrs. such-a-one_, is the most proper. The rules of politeness in this
+respect, are the same in speaking of the husband.
+
+When we speak of ourself and another person, whether he is absent or
+present, propriety requires us to mention ourselves last. Thus we should
+say _he and I_, _you and I_.
+
+When you relate a personal occurrence, the circumstances connected with
+which are honorable to yourself, and a distinguished person had also a
+share in the honor, you should only mention him, and instead of the
+plural form, _we resolved_, _we did such a thing_, you should forget
+yourself, and say, _Mr. N. resolved, or did such a thing so and so_.
+Delicacy will dictate this degree of modesty to you, and your superior
+in his turn will proclaim at his own expense, your merit on the
+occasion.
+
+We know that the word _false_ is not to be found in the dictionary of
+politeness, and that when we are obliged to deny the assertion of any
+one, we employ apologetical forms. The most proper ones are such as the
+following: _I may be mistaken_, _I am undoubtedly mistaken, but,..._ _Be
+so good as to excuse my mistake, but it seems to me,..._ _I ask pardon,
+but I thought_, &c. Those persons are but ill-bred, who think to soften
+down a denial merely by expressions of doubt. They say, _if what you
+advance is true_, _if what madam says is positive_, &c. With these
+forms, they think they comply with the rules of politeness. It is
+incivility with affectation.
+
+However persons may say invidiously that forms avail much in the world,
+I agree with them, but in quite another sense.
+
+We should never ask a thing of any one without saying, _will you have
+the goodness_, _will you do me the favor_, _will you be so good_, &c.
+
+In a circle, we should not pass before a lady; and should never present
+any thing by extending the arm over her, but we pass round behind, and
+present it. In case we cannot do it, we say, _I ask your pardon_, &c.
+To a question which we do not fully comprehend, we never answer, _Ha?
+What?_ but, _Be so good as_, &c. _Pardon me, I did not understand._
+
+Never refuse with disdain a pinch of snuff, and rather than disoblige
+people, take one, even if you throw it away, after having pretended to
+take it. Beware of presenting to ladies, in balls or assemblies, a box
+of _sweet things_, under penalty of having the air of a caricature.
+
+If you strike against any one in the least, ask pardon for it
+immediately. The other should at the same time answer you, _It is
+nothing, nothing at all_, &c., even if the blow should have been
+violent.
+
+It is customary to employ the few moments of a visit of mere politeness,
+in looking at the portraits which adorn the fireplace, and even taking
+them down, if you are invited to do it. It would be the extreme of
+impoliteness, to say that they were flattered, or to pretend to
+recognize in the portrait of a young lady, the likeness of an elderly
+lady, or of one less favored by nature. It would moreover be improper to
+make long compliments; indirect, and ingenious praise, is all that is
+proper.
+
+
+SECTION II.
+
+_Of Questions, and frequently recurring Expressions._
+
+It is an axiom of propriety that we should never speak of ourselves,
+(except to intimate friends) and that we should converse with strangers
+about themselves, and everything which can interest them. Questions are
+therefore necessary, but they demand infinite delicacy and tact, in
+order neither to fatigue nor ever wound the feelings. If, instead of
+expressing a mild and heartfelt interest, you ask a dry question
+dictated by a cold curiosity; if you seem to pay no attention to the
+answers which you call forth; if you mal-adroitly take a commanding
+tone; if you prolong without bounds this kind of conversation; if,
+perceiving that you are embarrassed, and that you endeavor to save
+yourself by an evasive answer, instead of keeping silence, you witness
+the foolish regrets of your indiscretion; be assured that both your
+questions and yourself will be considered as a torment.
+
+Madame Necker ingeniously observes that these favorite and frequently
+repeated terms with which we fill our conversation, serve, ordinarily as
+a mark of people's character. 'Thus,' says she, 'those who exceed the
+truth are in the habit of saying, _You may rely upon it, it is the
+truth_; long talkers say, _In a word, to be brief_; and the proud say,
+_Without boasting_,' &c. This striking observation is well founded, and
+consequently we ought to take good care not to let people into the
+secret of our peculiarities.
+
+But, independently of this motive, it is necessary for us carefully to
+avoid frequently recurring words, as in time, habit multiplies them to
+an inconceivable degree. They embarrass and overwhelm our conversation,
+turn away the attention of those who listen to us, and render us
+importunate, and ridiculous, without our being able to perceive it.
+
+If habitual terms, which on no other account are reprehensible, can
+become so troublesome, what results may these trite phrases, trivial
+expressions, and vulgar transitions produce, when they become frequent!
+
+
+SECTION III.
+
+_Of Narrations, Analysis, and Digressions._
+
+There are many conditions indispensable to the success of a narrative.
+These conditions are, first, novelty; the best stories weary when they
+are multiplied too much, because every one wishes to be an actor in his
+turn upon the stage of the world. So that, when you have anything
+excellent to relate, consult less your own desire to tell it, than the
+wishes of others to hear you. There are but too many people who discover
+the secret of wearying while telling very good things, on account of
+their too great eagerness to tell them.
+
+The next thing is to take a suitable opportunity. Let your narration
+spring naturally from the conversation; let it explain a fact, or come
+in support of an opinion, but let it never appear to be introduced by
+the foolish pleasure of talking, or by a not less foolish desire of
+making a display of talent. Remember that the most meagre recitals, when
+they are àpropos, frequently please more than the best things in the
+world, when they are said out of time. And even endeavoring to
+monopolize the conversation is in bad _ton_, particularly for young
+persons and ladies, especially if it is but a few moments since they
+occupied the attention of the company. It is an agreeable and modest
+mark of propriety to request some one to relate an anecdote of the day,
+of which you have made mention, and the circumstances of which you
+desire to know. This is well suited to persons of distinguished talents.
+The person called upon, bows and excuses himself with a few words
+before acceding to your request.
+
+It is of all importance that the language correspond to the different
+forms which the narration requires; that, under pretext of adorning our
+story, we do not wander into far-fetched comparisons, dull details, or
+interminable dialogues; that if we relate anything amusing or striking,
+we should observe the utmost seriousness, and finally, before commencing
+a recital of this kind, we keep in mind these lines of Lafontaine;
+
+  Il ne faut jamais dire aux gens,
+    Ecoutez un bon mot, oyez une merveille,
+  Savez-vous si les écoutans
+    En feront une estime à la vôtre pareille?
+
+When, for want of observing this, as well as many other similar rules,
+narrators fail of the expected effect, and think to be able to tell it
+over again, and remarking on the comic part of the story, and laboring
+to repeat it thus;--_Do you not think this excellent, wonderful?_ Alas!
+they only add to their own defeat, and to the ennui of their poor
+hearers.
+
+If one relates an anecdote which you already know, permit him to finish
+it, and do not in any way draw off the attention of those who are
+listening. If your opinion is asked, give it frankly, and without
+wishing to appear better informed than the narrator himself. Still
+farther; if you happen to be in tête-à-tête with the same narrator,
+observe the same silence, and listen with an air of interest, and if he
+happens to impart to you what he related the preceding day, which he had
+from you yourself, you should appear to listen with equal interest, as
+if for the first time. Frequently, in the midst of a recital, the
+narrator, through forgetfulness, hesitates, and thinks that he can
+recall it. Look at him attentively. If he is in doubt, declare that you
+are altogether ignorant of the subject in question. If his memory
+returns, request him to continue, at the same time saying; _I listen to
+you always with new pleasure_. This delicate politeness is particularly
+to be observed towards old persons.
+
+When your narrations have had success, keep a modest countenance; leave
+others to point out the striking parts which have pleased them. The
+surest means of not having the approbation of others, in actions as well
+as other things, is to solicit it, whether it be by looks, or by words.
+
+As every hearer is obliged to listen or understand without objecting,
+the consequence is, that we should _feel our ground_ before speaking,
+and ask if such or such a thing is known to the company. When a story
+has been published in the newspapers, so that it is not entirely new,
+or seems borrowed from a compilation of _anas_, if we attribute it to
+some person of our acquaintance, (of course one that is absent,) an
+ineffable ridicule very properly stigmatizes the narrator.
+
+We come now to what seems to me the most difficult part of conversation,
+and if you are not sure of being able to class your ideas with
+regularity, to express them with much clearness, and an easy elegance,
+do not have the temerity to wish to analyze a book, or a dramatic piece.
+You would be laying up for yourself a rude mortification, which would
+have an unfavorable influence on your _entrée_ into society. You would be
+wrong, however, in concluding, that I condemn you to perpetual silence;
+I only wish to inspire you with a salutary diffidence, in order to
+preserve you from such a rude check, and to put it in your power some
+future day to answer, in this particular, the wishes of a distinguished
+and brilliant assembly.
+
+Begin by putting down upon paper a hasty sketch of a short piece, as for
+instance a _vaudeville_, or a little comedy. You will do this until,
+being sure of the manner in which you would embrace the _ensemble_, and
+dispose of the details, you can produce it without embarrassment. When
+arrived at this point, abstain from these kinds of analysis, which
+though indeed more correct, seem labored. They have besides less
+freedom, appropriateness, and grace.
+
+Know this, and remember it well, that every other preparation than
+thinking what you are about to say, will make you acquire two
+intolerable faults, affectation and stiffness.
+
+To conclude, I give this advice only to those persons who, by a quick
+and penetrating perception, by a love of the fine arts, and by a
+peculiar readiness, find themselves able to speak properly of literary
+productions.
+
+Those who are less engaged in these things, should content themselves
+with simply and briefly explaining a subject, and of mentioning the
+emotion they felt; with speaking of some brilliant passage, and adding
+that they do not pretend to pronounce judgment.
+
+The first degree of digression is the parenthesis; provided it is short,
+natural, and seldom repeated; and that you take care to announce it
+always; and finally, in order not to abuse it, you should make a skilful
+use of it. The second degree of digression becomes more nice, for it
+includes those accessory reflections, those common but agreeable and
+well-settled expressions; those general or particular allusions, which
+are only to be used with a peculiar emphasis, which is to language what
+the italic character is to printing. This method of speaking in italics
+may be striking and artless; but it often becomes obscure and trivial;
+the habit is dangerous, and one should use this difficult digression
+only before intimate friends.
+
+We now come to the third degree, to what is properly called digression;
+most frequently it is involuntary. Often in a lively and animated
+dialogue, the impetus of conversation carries you, as well as the person
+with whom you are conversing, far from the point from which you started.
+If it is a question of pleasure or interest, return to your point by
+employing a polite turn, as, _Pray let us not lose sight of our
+business_. But if it is an affair of nothings succeeding nothings, let
+it flow on.
+
+Voluntary digression, when it is not a mere work of loquacity, may be
+employed in serious discourse, as political, philosophical, or moral
+discussions; but it is important to treat it with infinite reserve, and
+care, and never to introduce a personal apology, or a domestic incident,
+altogether out of place, as those persons do, who, in narrating any
+event relative to an individual, recount his life, their connexion with
+him, or his whole family, and make the event of an hour remind us of
+ages.
+
+Lawyers, literary people, military men, travellers, invalids and aged
+ladies, ought to have a prudent and continual distrust of the abuse of
+digressions.
+
+
+SECTION IV.
+
+_Of Suppositions and Comparisons._
+
+The two shoals to be avoided in this form of language are directly
+opposed to each other; the one is triviality, the other bombast.
+
+The object of supposition, which is already antiquated, and sometimes
+too simple, is to increase the force of reasoning, and to carry
+conviction to the mind of the person who listens to you; comparison
+tends to make an image, or to place before us the object described. When
+both these qualities are regulated by reason, use, and taste, it is very
+well; but how seldom is this the case!
+
+They are not so used, if, in the course of a discussion, you suppose a
+respectable person to supply the place of a madman, an ill-bred person,
+or a robber; or, if you suppose him to be in a situation disgraceful or
+even ridiculous. As, for example; _If you had been this bad person_; or,
+_Suppose, that you had committed this base act_; or, _that you should be
+laughed at_, &c.
+
+They are also misplaced, whenever, being satisfied with avoiding
+disagreeable comparisons, we endeavor to mark out some one as
+contemptible, by comparing his exterior with that of some other person
+in the company. When we say; _This unfortunate man is of your size, sir;
+he has your traits, your physiognomy_, &c.
+
+They are also misplaced, if used in the presence of people of a
+profession upon which the injurious comparisons fall, as when we say;
+_As quackish as a doctor_; _greedy as an attorney_; _loquacious as a
+lawyer_, &c.
+
+Finally, politeness and taste cannot at all exist in comparisons, if
+they are common or trivial, as when we say, _black as the chimney-back_,
+_high as one's hand_, &c.; or, if they are in a turgid and pretending
+style, such as, _learned as the Muses_, _fresh as the meadows_, &c.
+
+
+SECTION V.
+
+_Of Discussions and Quotations._
+
+Whatever be the subject of conversation, propose your opinion with
+modesty; defend it with sangfroid and a mild tone if you are opposed;
+yield with a good grace if you are wrong; yield also, although you are
+in the right, if the subject of discussion is of little importance, and
+especially if the one who opposes you is a lady, or an old person.
+Moreover, if love of truth or the desire of affording instruction force
+you to enter into a discussion, do it with address and politeness. If
+you do not bring over your opponent to your own opinion, you will at
+least gain his esteem.
+
+But if you have to do with one of those people who, possessed with a
+mania of discussion, commence by contradicting before they hear, and who
+are always ready to sustain the contrary opinion, yield to him; you will
+have nothing to gain with him. Be assured that the spirit of
+contradiction can be conquered only by silence.
+
+The insupportable pedantry of a cloud of quoters, without tact or
+talent, has justly, for a long time, thrown quotations into disrepute;
+but if they are well chosen, few, and short; if they are à-propos,
+
+    Qui fuit comme le temps, qui plaît comme les grâces;
+
+if they are altogether new, and wielded by a person possessed of
+modesty, elegance, and taste, having a perfect knowledge of the world,
+quotations have much success and charm; but without these conditions,
+there is little safety; and in this matter there can be no mediocrity;
+you will either be a good model, or an insupportable pedant. Consider if
+you will rashly run this chance, especially on making your début in
+society, when young persons ought so carefully to avoid making a parade
+of a vain college erudition, and not seek the reputation of a savant by
+employing words borrowed from foreign languages, or scientific terms
+unknown in good society.
+
+
+SECTION VI.
+
+_Of Pleasantry, Proverbs, Puns, and Bon Mots._
+
+If society is not a school for exercising pedantry, neither is it an
+arena for the use of those perversely clever people, who think
+themselves furnished with a patent to insult with grace. Whatever may be
+the keenness of their sarcasms, the piquancy of their observations, or
+the smile which they excite in me, I do not the less refuse to allow to
+those caustic spirits the name of polite persons, or of good _ton_; for,
+in politeness there must be good feeling. But those who incessantly
+study to trouble and wound people, without taking any precaution except
+to deprive them of the right or means of complaining; who are ready to
+catch at the least error, to exaggerate it, to clothe it in the most
+bitter language, to present it in the most ridiculous light; who meanly
+attack those who cannot answer them, or expose themselves every day for
+a sarcasm to sport with their own life and that of another in a
+duel--such people, what are they?--in truth, I dare not say.
+
+One such picture, which, certainly is not highly colored, would render
+pleasantries always odious; but to indulge in pleasantry is not to
+resemble such mischievous persons, thank heaven, it is far otherwise;
+for mild, kind, and harmless pleasantry should be taken in good part
+even by those who are the subjects of it; it is a friendly, and sportive
+contest, in which severity, jealousy, and resentment should never
+appear; whenever you perceive the least trace of them, the pleasantry is
+at an end; desist, then, the moment they appear.
+
+As to hoaxing, that caustic of fools; as to that silly gaiety, excited
+by the candor or politeness of people whom you falsely cause to believe
+the most foolish things, because they do not make known to you that they
+see through this pleasure of stupid fellows, I have nothing to say of
+them, except that I have too good an opinion of my reader to suppose
+that he does not despise them as I do.
+
+Popular quotations and proverbs, as well as other quotations, require
+some care; and, except in familiar conversation, are altogether
+misplaced. If they are frequent, conversation becomes a tedious
+gossipping; if introduced without a short previous remark, one of two
+things will take place, they will either prevent the speaker from being
+understood, or they will give him the air of Sancho Panza. But the
+previous remark, however, need be but short; _as the proverb says_, _as
+the wisdom of nations has it_. A proverb well applied, and placed at the
+end of a phrase, frequently makes a very happy conclusion.
+
+I only speak to censure; I entreat my readers not to suffer themselves
+to be the manufacturers of puns, and to despise this talent of fools and
+childish means to excite a passing laugh. Not that we cannot repeat in
+good company one of those rare political bon mots which are happy in
+every respect; nor that we ought to deprecate this kind of pleasantry
+before people who are fond of them, still less to tell them what they
+hear every day, _That is poor_; to have taste, does not authorize us to
+be impolite.
+
+We must be much more severe upon another kind of équivoques; namely,
+those which offend modesty. Propriety allows you, and it even requires
+you not to listen to, but even to interrupt an ill-bred person who
+importunes you with those indecent witticisms which a man of good
+society ought always to avoid; they are those by aid of which we cover
+certain pleasantries with a veil so transparent, that they are the more
+observed. What pleasure can we find in causing ladies to blush, and in
+meriting the name of a man of bad society?
+
+There are those who think that they may allow themselves every kind of
+pleasantry before certain persons; but a man of good _ton_ ought to
+observe it wherever he is. We might quote more than one example of
+persons, who have lost politeness of manners and of language by assuming
+the habits and conversation of all kinds of society into which chance
+may have carried them. It requires but a moment to lose those delicate
+shades of character which constitute a man of the world, and which cost
+us so much labor to acquire.
+
+It is a great error to suppose that we must always shine in
+conversation, and that it is better to make ourselves admired by a
+lively and ready repartee, than to content ourselves sometimes with
+silence, or with an answer less brilliant than judicious.[15] We must
+not imagine that all traits of wit are in the class of politeness; a
+vain and triumphant air spoils a bon mot; moreover, when you repeat a
+thing of this kind of which you are the author, beware of saying so to
+your auditors.
+
+
+  [15] That a reply may be truly pleasing, it is necessary that he who
+       makes it has a right so to do, and that we may quote it without
+       doing him any wrong; otherwise, we should laugh at the reply,
+       and despise the author of it. There are replies which are
+       pleasing in the mouth of a military man, but which would be
+       ridiculous in the mouth of a civil magistrate. A young lady may
+       make lively and brilliant repartees, which would be insupportable
+       in a woman in the decline of life; as the latter might make such
+       as would be unsuitable in a young lady.
+
+
+SECTION VII.
+
+_Of Eulogiums, Complainings, Improprieties in general, and Prejudices._
+
+One of the most improper things, is to praise to excess and
+unseasonably. Extravagant and misplaced eulogiums neither honor the one
+who bestows them, nor the persons who receive them.
+
+An infallible method of giving a meritorious person the air of a fool,
+is to address him to his face and without disguise, to load him with
+exaggerated eulogiums; it is indeed not a little embarrassing to reply
+in such a case. If we remain silent, we appear to be inhaling the
+incense with complacency; if we repel it, we only seem to excite it the
+more. Thus we see, in such a case, and even among very clever persons
+too, those who reply by silly exclamations and by rude assertions. _You
+were laughing at me_, they say; this cannot be tolerated; it is to be
+supposed that the person who praises you is incapable of such an act. I
+think it would be better to say, _I did not know you were so kind_ (or
+so good) _I should indeed think you were joking me_. Or else, we should
+say, _your partiality blinds you_.
+
+Persons who are unacquainted with the world, commonly think that they
+cannot address a lady without first assailing her with compliments. This
+is a mistake, gentlemen, and I can with relation to this point, reveal
+to you what my sex prefers to these vulgar eulogiums.
+
+It is in bad _ton_ to overwhelm with insipid flattery all women that we
+meet, without distinction of age, rank or merit. These insipidities may
+indeed please some of light and frivolous minds, but will disgust a
+woman of good sense. Carry on with them a lively, piquant and varied
+conversation; and remember that they have a too active imagination, a
+too great versatility of disposition, to support conversation for a long
+time upon the same subject.
+
+But is it then necessary to proscribe eulogiums entirely? Not at
+all--society has not yet arrived at that degree of philosophy; eulogiums
+are and will for a long time be a means of success; but they should be
+in the first place, true, or at least probable, in order not to have the
+appearance of outrageous insults; they should be indirect and delicate,
+that we may listen to them without being obliged to interrupt; and they
+should be tempered with a sort of judgment, the skilful use of which, is
+itself even a eulogium.
+
+I repeat, as I have often said, let there be moderation in everything.
+
+Should we not regard as gross and ridiculous language, that exaggeration
+which we frequently hear used in praise as well as in censure? It seems
+that true politeness in language consists principally in a certain
+moderation of expressions. It is much better to cause people to think
+more than we say, and not outrage language, and run the risk of going
+beyond what we ought to say.
+
+Under any circumstances, complaining has always a bad grace.
+
+Banish from your complaints ill-nature and animosity; let your anger be
+only an expression of the wrong you have suffered, and not of that which
+you would cause; this is the surest means of gaining to your side
+persons who would perhaps be doubtful whether to favor your adversary or
+yourself.
+
+Politeness is not less opposed to making excessive complaints to the
+first person you meet, than to the frequent and extravagant eulogiums
+which you bestow improperly upon those from whom you expect a favor in
+return.
+
+By the word improprieties, we generally understand all violations of
+politeness. We, however, give to this word a particular and limited
+sense. It signifies a want of due regard to, and a forgetfulness of, the
+delicate attentions which seem to identify us with the situation of
+others. We will mention some examples of these particular violations of
+politeness. To accost sad people with a smiling face and sprightly
+manners, which prove to them the little interest which you take in their
+situation; to trouble by a whimsical and cross ill-humor, and by
+misanthropic declamations, the pleasure of contented persons; to exalt
+the advantages of beauty before aged ladies or those who are naturally
+unfortunate; to speak of the power that wealth bestows in the presence
+of people hardly arrived at mediocrity of fortune; to boast of one's
+strength or health before a valetudinarian, &c.
+
+The sense which we here give to the term _prejudices_ is still more
+limited than that which we have just given to the expression
+_improprieties_.
+
+We do not mean to speak here of those erroneous judgments, acknowledged
+as such, which though undermined, and shaken, are still respected by
+that society which they torment. We wish only to admonish our fair
+readers of those unfriendly prejudices of nation against nation, city
+against city, and section against section; that malevolent disposition
+which with a Parisian makes the name _provincial_, synonymous with
+awkwardness and bad _ton_, and which, in the saloons of the Chausée
+d'Antin, allows no favor to persons lodging in the Marais; because the
+people of the Marais, provincials and Englishmen, do not consider it any
+fault to return prejudice for prejudice, and contempt for contempt.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+_Of Epistolary Composition._
+
+
+Next to social communications by means of visits and conversation, are
+communications by means of letters and billets. It is not only absence,
+but a multiplicity of business, and a great number of relations which
+give a very great extension to this part of our social interests.
+
+Our readers have too much judgment to think that we wish to give them
+lessons in style, or teach them how they should write letters of
+friendship, of congratulation, of condolence, of apology, of
+recommendations, of invitation, of complaint, or of censure. This
+enumeration alone, shows the impossibility of it. Some general
+reflections upon propriety in epistolary composition, and strict details
+of the forms and ceremonial parts of letters, will compose this
+important chapter.
+
+
+SECTION I.
+
+_Of Propriety in Letter Writing._
+
+If in conversation we ought to attend to propriety of language, its
+choice and graceful euphony, how much more is it necessary to endeavor
+to make our style in writing clear, precise, elegant, and appropriate to
+all subjects. Vivacity of discourse forces us frequently to sacrifice
+happy though tardy expressions to the necessity of avoiding hesitancy;
+but what is thus an obstacle in speaking, does not interfere with the
+use of the pen. We ought, therefore, to avoid repetitions, erasing,
+insertions, omissions, and confusion of ideas or labored construction.
+If we write a familiar letter to an equal or a friend, these blemishes
+may remain; but otherwise, we must commence our letter again.
+
+The most exact observance of the rules of language is strictly
+necessary; a fault of orthography, or an incorrect expression, are not
+allowable, even in the least careful letter or the most unimportant
+billet. Even correction is not admissible; for, besides being a blemish
+to the letter, it betrays the ignorance or inattention of him who writes
+it. For these reasons, it is well to make a rough draft, if we are
+little accustomed to epistolary style, and if being very young, we
+cannot perfectly remember the rules of syntax, and the dictionary. Some
+persons, it is true, censure this precaution, which, say they, marks the
+style with affectation and stiffness. This censure does not seem to me
+well-founded. The loss of time which this method requires, is a more
+real inconvenience; and for this reason, and on account of the
+embarrassment with which we may be troubled, it is well to accustom
+ourselves to writing a letter _extempore_ with neatness, elegance and
+correctness.
+
+The choice of materials for writing, without being very essential, is
+yet necessary; to write on very coarse paper, is allowable only to the
+most indigent; to use gilt edged and perfumed paper for letters of
+business, would be ridiculous. The selection of paper ought always to be
+in keeping with the person, the age, the sex, and the circumstances of
+the correspondents. Ornamented paper, of which we have just spoken;
+paper bordered with colored vignettes and embossed with ornaments in
+relief upon the edges; and paper slightly colored with delicate shades,
+are designed for young ladies, and those whose condition, taste, and
+dignity, presuppose habits of luxury and elegance. Many distinguished
+people, however, reasonably prefer simplicity in this thing, and make
+use of very beautiful paper, but yet without ornament.
+
+People of business, heads of companies or establishments, and persons of
+distinction, with many titles, use paper printed at the top, that is to
+say, having the name of their residence, the three first figures of the
+date of the year, their address, and these words, _Mr. ----_, (here
+follow the titles) to _Mr. ----_.
+
+It is extremely impolite to write a letter upon a single leaf of paper,
+even if it is a billet; it should be always double, even though we write
+only two or three lines. It is still more vulgar to use for an envelope,
+paper on which there are one or two words foreign to the letter itself,
+whether they be written or printed.
+
+Billets, letters folded lengthwise, and half-envelopes, are little used.
+A folded letter, especially if written upon vellum paper, should be
+pressed at the folds by means of a paper-folder.
+
+The rules of politeness ought moreover to decide as to the expense of
+postage. They require us to defray the expense of the letter if it is
+written to distinguished persons, or to those of whom we ask any favor;
+but it would be an incivility, and sometimes a want of delicacy, to do
+it when we write to a friend, an acquaintance, or to persons of little
+fortune, whose feelings we should fear to wound. We must therefore, in
+order to save them the expense as well as to avoid dissatisfaction,
+endeavor to make some excuse of business.
+
+Letters for new year's day, and other holidays, are usually written
+beforehand, in order to arrive on the previous or very same day. This is
+particularly required towards relations; for friends and intimate
+acquaintances, the following week will do, and for other persons, any
+time within the month.
+
+It is as indispensable to answer when you are written to, as when you
+are spoken to, and the indolence which so many correspondents allow in
+themselves, in this respect, is an incivility. And if after all they
+decide to answer, they begin by apologies so constantly renewed, that
+they become common-place. We must use much care that these excuses may
+not be ridiculous. Conciseness, and some new terms of expression, are,
+in this case, indispensable. The same observation is applicable in
+making use of reproving terms.
+
+Letters supply the place of visits, as we have seen, in bestowing
+presents, or on occasions of marriages, funerals, &c.; to neglect to
+write in a similar case, is gross impoliteness.
+
+Two persons should not write in the same letter, by one writing upon the
+first, and another upon the second leaf, except we are intimate with the
+correspondent. The same is applicable to postscripts. It is not
+allowable, except to familiar friends, to use expressions borrowed from
+foreign languages, as for instance the phrase of the Italians, _I kiss
+your hands_, &c. The language of men who write to ladies ought always to
+have a polish of respect, with which the latter might dispense in
+answering. Except on occasions of great ceremony, a lady ought not to
+address to a man such phrases as, _I have the honor to be_, &c. while
+the latter should use the most respectful terms, as _Deign, madam, to
+allow me_; _allow me the honor of presenting you my respects_, &c.
+
+You may use a lofty style towards persons to whom you owe respect; on
+easy, trifling, or even jesting style, towards a friend; and a courteous
+style towards ladies generally. You should not write in a trifling style
+to persons of a higher standing. It sometimes happens that a man of
+superior rank honors with his friendship a man of lower condition, and
+is pleased that the latter writes to him without ceremony. In this case
+we may use the privilege which is given us; but we must take care not to
+abuse it, and to make known from time to time that we are ready to
+confine ourselves within respectful bounds.
+
+When you write upon any subject, consider it fully before putting it
+upon paper, and treat of each topic in order, that you may not be
+obliged to recur to any one again, after having spoken of another thing.
+
+If you have many subjects to treat of in the same letter, commence with
+the most important; for if the person to whom you write is interrupted
+while reading it, he will be the more impatient to resume the reading,
+however little interesting he may find it.
+
+It is useful and convenient to begin a new paragraph at every change of
+the subject.
+
+After having written _Sir_ or _Madam_ at the top of the letter, we
+should not commence with one of these phrases; _Sir, madam --, your
+sister, has written me, that_. We should say, _I understand by a letter
+which madam --, your sister, has written me_.
+
+Take care also, when writing to a person worthy of respect, not to make
+compliments to any one. But write to this third person whatever you wish
+him to know.
+
+Titles of respect, as _Lordship_, _Majesty_, _Highness_, _Excellency_,
+_Honor_, _Madam_, &c. ought never to be abbreviated, either in writing
+to the persons themselves, or to any one who has acquaintance with them.
+
+Figures are used only for sums and dates; numbers of men, days, weeks,
+&c. are to be written at length.
+
+
+SECTION II.
+
+_Of the Interior and Exterior Form of Letters._
+
+The interior form of a letter comprehends the titles and qualities of
+persons to whom it is proper to give them; the more or less courteous
+phrases which we use; the more or less respectful manner with which the
+commencement and body of the letter are to be arranged; and the more or
+less humble terms which we are to use for the signature, the address or
+the superscription.
+
+The exterior form of a letter is what concerns the size of the paper;
+the blank that we should leave between the _vedette_, (or line
+containing only the name) and the first line; between the last line, the
+appellation, and signature; the manner of folding the letter, and the
+choice and mode of putting on the seal.
+
+In addressing the pope, we say at the top of the letter, _Holy Father_,
+or _Most Holy Father_; and instead of _You_, we should say, _Your
+Holiness_; to a prince cardinal, _My Lord_, and _Your Most Eminent
+Highness_.
+
+To a cardinal, _My Lord_, and _Your Eminence_.
+
+To an archbishop or bishop, _My Lord_, and _Your Grace_.
+
+To an emperor or empress, we say, _Sire_, or _Madam_; and instead of
+_You_, we say, _Your Imperial Majesty_.
+
+To a king we also say, _Sire_, and _Your Majesty_.
+
+To a queen, _Madam_, and _Your Majesty_.
+
+To the brother of a king, _Your Royal Highness_.
+
+To an elector of the empire, _Your Electoral Highness_.
+
+To a sovereign prince, _Your Most Serene Highness_.
+
+To a prince, _Your Highness_.
+
+To an ambassador or minister, _Your Excellency_.
+
+To the chancellor of France, _My Lord_, and _Your Lordship_.
+
+The title _Excellency_ is not given to ladies.
+
+Persons who have an exact knowledge of the language and usage of the
+court, know what is the most proper manner of expressing themselves. We
+will give some examples in which the different degrees of respect may be
+readily perceived.
+
+'I have received the letter with which you have been pleased to honor
+me.'
+
+'I have received the letter which you have done me the favor to write to
+me, which you have done me the honor to write to me, which you have
+taken the trouble to write to me.'
+
+There are some persons who commence their letters with these words; _I
+have received yours of the 12th current_; this is a fault; we should
+say, _your letter_. The first is the style of those people who, being
+pressed with business, are obliged to make abbreviations; and we must,
+in the common customs of life, beware of imitating them in this respect.
+We may say the same in respect to persons who write at the top of their
+letters, '_I_ have received _your honored letter_ of such a date;' or,
+'in answer to _your honored letter_;' or, '_I write you these few
+words_.' All these forms are objectionable.
+
+We should never repeat in the first sentence of a letter, the names _My
+Lord_, _Sir_, or _Madam_, with which we began. But if we write to a
+prince, or even to a minister, we should after the first line use the
+words, _Your Majesty_, _Your Highness_, or _Your Excellency_, and repeat
+them from time to time, in the course of the letter, if it is of some
+length.
+
+As to the conclusion of a letter, we should not say simply, _I am_,
+without adding some such phrase as these; _With the most profound
+respect_; _with profound respect_, _with the highest regard_, &c. To
+persons who have the title of _majesty_, _highness_, _eminence_, &c. we
+say, _I am your majesty's_, or _your highness's_, &c. _very humble_, &c.
+
+The words _esteem_ and _affection_ are used only in letters to friends
+or acquaintance, because they are too familiar; but when accompanied by
+any words which relieve them, they do not offend one. As for example, we
+can say, _I am with profound respect, and the highest esteem_, &c.
+
+The following forms may be used with elegance;
+
+Accept, Sir, the assurances of high consideration; be pleased to accept
+the assurances, &c.
+
+Letters of petition or request should be in folio, that is to say, upon
+a sheet of paper in its full size; the margin should be half the breadth
+of the page; the spaces and blanks which we ought to leave between the
+upper edge of the paper and the _vedette_,[16] and between the _vedette_
+and the first line, are very different, according to the degree of
+inferiority or superiority. The greater these spaces are, the more
+respect do they indicate. The first line ought always to begin below the
+middle of the page, when we write to a person to whom we owe much
+respect; but the second page should begin one line below the _vedette_.
+A blank space should always be left between the last words of the
+signature, and the lower edge of the paper. If there should not be
+sufficient room, it would be better to carry one or two lines over to
+the succeeding page, than to fail in this respect.
+
+For a familiar letter, it has become fashionable to leave no margin at
+all. It is, however, in these letters only that margins can be useful,
+namely, in receiving a vertical line when all the paper is filled.
+
+The date of a letter may be put at the beginning when we write to an
+equal; but in writing to a superior, it should be at the end, in order
+that the title at the head of the letter may be entirely alone. In
+letters of business, on the contrary, it is necessary to date at the top
+and on the first line, that persons may know conveniently, the
+chronological order of their communications.
+
+The date is often necessary to the understanding of many passages of
+your letter, or to explain the sense of one which your correspondent may
+have received at the same time from another person.
+
+In a simple billet, we put the date of the day, _Monday_, &c. It is well
+sometimes to add the hour.
+
+Every letter to a superior ought to be folded in an envelope. It shows a
+want of respect to seal with a wafer; we must use sealing-wax. Men
+usually select red; but young ladies use gilt, rose, and other colors.
+Both use black wax when they are in mourning. Except in this last case,
+the color is immaterial, but not the size, for very large ones are in
+bad taste. The smaller and more glossy, the better _ton_ they are.
+Although sealing-wax is preferable, still we must sometimes avoid using
+it; it is when we are afraid that the seal may be opened.
+
+When the letter is closed with or without an envelope, we put only a
+single seal upon it; but if the letter is large, we use two. Moreover,
+if it contains important papers, it should have three seals or more,
+according to the nature of the envelope. If a person takes charge of a
+letter as a favor, it would be very impolite to put more than one seal
+upon it. If the letter should be folded in such a manner that by partly
+opening it at the end, its contents may be read, it would be equally
+impolite to put a little wax upon the edges. We can use this precaution
+only when the letter is sent by the post or by a domestic.
+
+When we use no envelope, and the third page of the letter is all written
+upon, we should leave a small blank space where the seal is to be put;
+without this precaution, many very important words will be covered.
+
+We should not seal a letter of respect with an antique device. It is
+more polite to use our coat of arms or cipher.
+
+Persons of taste, who have no coat of arms, adopt a seal bearing some
+ingenious device, in keeping with their profession, sentiments, &c.
+
+A letter which is to be shown, as a letter of introduction or
+recommendation, ought never to be sealed, since the bearer ought
+necessarily to know the contents. But to seal it without having first
+allowed the bearer to read it, would be very impolite. You should prove
+to the person recommended, that you have spared no pains to render him a
+service.
+
+It is only conscripts, and peasants, who fold a letter like an
+apothecary's packet, who omit to press the wafer with a seal, or secure
+it by pricking it in every part with the point of a pin.
+
+We never seal petitions which are to be presented to the king, and to
+the members of the royal family.
+
+Some distinguished persons are flattered in writing to them, by our
+omitting to designate precisely their address. It is an error; we should
+indicate with exactness the town, and the province, state, &c. if there
+is more than one town of the same name. In a large city, it is well to
+write the name of the street and number, and the quarter of the city
+where the street is. People of business, abbreviate this by putting N
+and the number, or the number alone; this practice is more expeditious
+than polite.
+
+We generally address a letter to one person only; but in certain cases
+we may address to two or more collectively.
+
+It is well to add to the name, the title or profession, in order to
+prevent mistake. However, if circumstances have obliged any one of your
+acquaintance to act in an inferior situation, it would be a want of
+delicacy to join to his name that of his business.
+
+When we write to the king, we put simply in the address, _To the King_.
+To foreign kings we say, _To his Catholic Majesty_, _his Britannic
+Majesty_, &c.
+
+To persons who have the title of highness, we say, _To his Highness_,
+and then their quality or rank. To ministers and ambassadors, we say,
+_To his Excellency, the Minister_, or _Ambassador_. If a person has many
+titles, we select the highest, and omit the others.
+
+In billets, we put the date at the top of the paper, and begin the
+letter about two inches below. The word _Sir_ is put in the first line.
+We conclude with one of these phrases, _I am, Sir, yours_; _I am
+entirely yours_, &c. We do not write a billet to ladies, or to
+superiors, as this was introduced only to avoid ceremony.
+
+The most familiar billets are written in the third person, contrary to
+the common practice. They contain very little, and begin thus, _Mr._ or
+_Madam N present their respects_, or _compliments, to Mr. Such-a-one,
+and request_, &c. After having made the request, we end with, _and he
+will oblige his humble servant_.
+
+In this kind of billets, it is best not to use the pronoun _he_ or
+_she_, for independently of the incivility, it might result in
+confusion. Sometimes it would be difficult to know whether the pronoun
+referred to the person who received the letter, or to the one who wrote
+it.
+
+I shall conclude this chapter by an observation relative to friendly and
+familiar letters; not that I have the folly to pretend to regulate by
+any ceremonial, the sentiments of the heart; but there is in reality
+nothing more cold and ridiculous, than accumulations of epithets like
+these, _Your tender, sincere and constant friend_, &c.
+
+  [16] See page 137.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+_Additional Rules in respect to the Social Relations._
+
+
+I include under this name, everything relating to friendly attentions,
+such as services, loans, presents, advice, and also things in relation
+to discretion, such as respect in conversation, letters, secrets,
+confidential communications, &c.
+
+
+SECTION I.
+
+_Of an Obliging Deportment._
+
+Polite persons are necessarily obliging. A smile is always on their
+lips, an earnestness in their countenance, when we ask a favor of them.
+They know that to render a service with a bad grace, is in reality not
+to render it. If they are obliged to refuse a favor, they do this with
+mildness and delicacy; they express such feeling regret, that they still
+inspire us with gratitude; in short, their conduct appears so perfectly
+natural, that it really seems that the opportunity which is offered them
+of obliging us, is obliging themselves; they refuse all our thanks,
+without affectation or effort.
+
+This amiable character, a necessary attendant of perfect good breeding,
+is not always found with all its charms, in the world. There are
+besides, some obliging persons, who force us to extort their services,
+who feel of great consequence, who like to be supplicated and thanked to
+excess. Do not imitate them: they make us ungrateful in spite of
+ourselves, they make gratitude a pain and a burden. When one asks of you
+any favor, reply kindly, "I am at your service, and shall be very happy
+to render you any assistance in my power;" or else, with a sad manner,
+lament that there is such an obstacle, &c. Then examine the means of
+overcoming the obstacle, even if you should be assured beforehand that
+none exists.
+
+Other persons, pretending to be polite, make protestations of their
+services and zeal, without taking the trouble to abide by their offers
+when an occasion is afforded them: so great is their trifling in this
+respect that they can be justly compared to those false heroes who are
+always talking of fighting, and who would be put to flight at the sight
+of a drawn sword. These indications of zeal are suspicious, when they
+are employed every moment and without any reason; a knowledge of the
+world teaches us to discern them, and to give them that degree of
+confidence which they merit. Sometimes we can congratulate persons,
+wish them well, and have the appearance of taking an interest in the
+recital which they are making of their affairs, without really feeling
+the least interest for them. We cannot always command our indifference
+in this respect, but we are obliged to spare them that constraint and
+ennui, which would infallibly be shown if we should manifest to them the
+coldness which they inspire. It belongs to those persons who know the
+world, not to confound this politeness, with the pretended zeal of the
+Don Quixottes of the drawing-room, of whom we have spoken above.
+
+In order that a service may be completed, it is necessary that it should
+be done quickly, nothing being more disobliging than tardiness, and the
+alternative, which you place a person in, either of addressing to you
+new solicitations, or of suffering by your delay. Your tardy assistance
+may perhaps be prejudicial, for one would suffer a long time before
+resolving to importune you anew.
+
+Make use then of despatch. If any circumstances prevent you from acting,
+inform the person, apologise, and promise to make reparation for your
+neglect. On his part, the person who is under the obligation to you,
+should be careful of using a single term of reproach and of accosting
+you with an air of dissatisfaction.
+
+When any one who is visiting you has need of a shawl, a handkerchief, a
+hat, offer it with a complaisant zeal, resist the refusal which is made
+(and which propriety does not require) select the best you have, in
+short, urge the persons not to be in haste to return the articles. If it
+is very bad weather, and the occasion a proper one, offer an umbrella or
+your carriage. These things are returned the next day by a domestic, who
+is charged to thank the person for them. If the articles are linen, they
+should not be returned before they are washed.
+
+When a lady has borrowed ornaments of another, as for instance, jewels,
+the latter should always offer to lend her more than are asked for: she
+ought also to keep a profound silence about the things which she has
+lent, and even abstain from wearing them for some time afterwards, in
+order that they may not be recognised. If any one, perceiving they were
+borrowed, should speak to the person of it, he would pass for an
+ill-bred man. If the borrower speaks to you of it, it is well to reply
+that nobody had recognised them. All this advice is minute, but what
+kind will you have? it concerns female self-esteem.
+
+One species of borrowing which is of daily occurrence, and happens very
+often to the loss of the owners, is the borrowing of books. Persons are
+so wanting in delicacy on this subject, that those who have a passion
+for books, and who are very obliging in other respects, are forced to
+refuse making these troublesome loans. The case, however, is a very
+perplexing one; we cannot say, _I am not willing to lend you this work_;
+but if the borrower is a suspicious person, we can say we have occasion
+to use it, that we regret it very much, but that we will lend it to him
+in a few days. However, we do not lend it at all.
+
+Well-bred persons do not make a bare request for a book; they wait until
+it is offered, and then they accept the offer hesitatingly; they find
+out the length of time they can keep it, and return it punctually at the
+appointed day. In order to prevent every accident, they cover it with
+cloth or paper, since the favor should render them more careful than the
+value of the book; they also take care not to turn down the leaves, or
+make marks, marginal notes, &c.
+
+If any accident happens to a borrowed article, we must repair the loss
+immediately. I shall not speak of more important loans, which are out of
+the range of politeness.
+
+
+SECTION II.
+
+_Of Presents._
+
+In the eyes of persons of delicacy, presents are not of worth, except
+from the manner in which they are bestowed; in our advice, then, let us
+strive to give them this value.
+
+Presents are offered first to relations and to friends; and they occur
+under different circumstances; on our arrival at a place from which we
+have been absent for a long time; when our intimate friends leave the
+town in which we reside; on our return from a journey, particularly to
+the capital; in remarkable and remote countries; on birth days, or days
+of baptism, or new year's day.
+
+But this day is not the only occasion of exchanging presents in a
+family, it is also an occasion for recollecting services and civilities;
+of making our respects to ladies, to superiors whom we wish to honor. It
+moreover offers us a delicate means of succoring the unfortunate.
+
+Secondly, at harvest time, if one owns land, in the hunting season, if
+one is a hunter, it is in good _ton_ to send to our intimate friends,
+fine fruits, rare flowers, or some choice articles of game.
+
+The most delicate presents are the productions of our own industry; a
+drawing, a piece of needle work, ornamental hair-work, &c. But such
+offerings, though invaluable among friends, are not used on occasions of
+ceremony.
+
+Next to fitness of time for presents, comes fitness in the selection of
+them; generally, luxury and elegance ought to reign in the latter; but
+this rule has numerous exceptions: and although it would be out of place
+to offer things purely useful (to which certain incidents would give the
+appearance of charity) still we should be in an error to suppose that a
+present is suitable, which is brilliant alone. It must by all means be
+adapted to the taste, age, and professions of persons, and their
+connexions with us. Thus to superiors, you offer fruits, game, &c. to a
+student, books;[17] to a friend of the arts, music, or engravings; to
+young married ladies, delicate and graceful articles of the toilet, &c.
+
+Presents should excite surprise and pleasure, therefore you ought to
+involve them in a mystery, and present them with an air of joyful
+kindness.
+
+When you have made your offering, and thanks have been elicited, do not
+bring back the conversation to the same subject; be careful,
+particularly, of making your gift of consequence. On the contrary, when
+its merit has been extolled, when the persons who have received the
+present, have evinced a lively satisfaction, say that the gift receives
+all its value from their opinion of it.
+
+However slight charm a present may have, or if even insignificant, we
+should be ill-bred not to manifest much pleasure in receiving it. It is
+besides, necessary, when an opportunity offers, to speak of it, not to
+fail of saying to the donor, how useful or agreeable his present is to
+you. In proportion as a long space of time has elapsed, this attention
+is the more amiable; it proves that you have preserved the object with
+care. And this reminds me, that we should never give away a present
+which we have received from another person, or at least that we should
+so arrange it, that it may never be known.
+
+It is well to mingle with our manifestations of gratitude, some
+exceptions to the high value of the gift, but not to dwell a long time
+on the subject, or to exclaim about it with earnestness. Under some
+circumstances, these declamations may seem dictated by avarice and a
+want of delicacy; they are besides in bad taste at all times.
+
+We often make a present to some one through his children or wife,
+especially on new year's day, when it is the custom to present at least
+confectionary to the young families of one's acquaintance. At Paris, we
+make such presents to married ladies; in the provincial towns, we do
+not. Above all, when one has received a present of some value, he calls
+upon the person who gave it, or, if the distance is great, addresses to
+him a letter of thanks. Every one knows that custom requires us to make
+a remuneration of a proportionate value, to the domestic who is the
+bearer of the present.
+
+
+  [17] It is not polite, when the presents are pamphlets, to offer
+       those of which you have cut the leaves.
+
+
+SECTION III.
+
+_Of Advice._
+
+Advice is a very good thing, it is true; it is however a thing which in
+society is the most displeasing. A giver of advice, who is incessantly
+repeating, _If I was in your place, I should do so and so_, repels every
+one by his pride and indiscretion. Such an impertinent person should
+know, that he ought not to give advice without he is asked, and that the
+number of those who ask it is very limited: we are not, however,
+speaking here of gratifications of vanity, but of that advice, the
+kindness and affection of which, gives it a claim to our attention. It
+is necessary to use much reserve and care, because otherwise you would
+seem to have a tone of superiority which would array the self-esteem of
+your friend against your wisest counsels. Of the forms of modesty, no
+one in this place is superfluous: we may say, "It is possible that I
+am mistaken, I should be far from having the courage to enquire of
+you," &c.
+
+If a person makes any objections, do not say, _You do not understand
+me_, but, _I have not expressed myself properly_.
+
+
+SECTION IV.
+
+_Of Discretion._
+
+The duties of discretion are so sensibly felt by persons of good
+breeding, that they do not violate them except through forgetfulness. It
+will be enough then to make an enumeration of them, without intending to
+point out their necessity.
+
+Discretion requires in the first place, respect with regard to
+conversation. If, when we enter the house of any one, we hear persons
+talking in an earnest manner, we step more heavily, in order to give
+notice to those who are engaged in the conversation. If, in an assembly,
+two persons retire by themselves to speak of business, we should be
+careful not to approach them, nor speak to them until they have
+separated.
+
+People who have lived a little in the world, know how essential it is
+not to mingle with curiosity in the business of persons whom we visit;
+nor are they ignorant what conduct is to be observed in case we surprise
+persons by an unexpected call; but young persons may not know, and I beg
+them to give their attention to it.
+
+When we see a person occupied, we retire, or at least make signs of it;
+if they should detain us, we step aside, and appear to be examining a
+picture, or looking out of the window, in order to prove that we take no
+notice of what engages them. But the desire to find for ourselves some
+such occupation, ought not to lead us to turn over the leaves of books
+placed upon the chimney-piece or elsewhere; to run over a pamphlet; or
+to handle visiting cards, or letters, even though it be only to read the
+superscription. If the person visited should be opening a closet or
+drawers, it would be rude curiosity to approach in order to see what was
+contained there. If, among a number of valuable things, they take one to
+show you, be satisfied with looking at that alone, without appearing to
+think of the others.
+
+If, before the person visited comes in, we should see another visitor,
+who, to pass the time, should take a journal or a book from his pocket,
+it would be extremely impolite to read over his shoulder, and equally
+uncivil to read what a person is writing.
+
+It is not allowable to take down the books from a library; but we may,
+and we even ought to read the titles, in order to praise the good taste
+which has been shown in the choice of the works.
+
+If it happens that any one exhibits to a circle some rare and valuable
+object, do not be in haste to ask for it, or to take it by reaching out
+your hand; wait modestly until it comes to you; do not examine it too
+long when you have it, and if by chance any ill-bred person requests it
+before you have seen it, do not detain it; it is better to suffer this
+small privation than to pass for a badly educated virtuoso.
+
+However insignificant the boasted object may be, never criticise it; if
+your opinion is asked, answer a few words of praise; if the thing is
+really curious, abstain from exaggerated compliments.
+
+To violate the secresy of letters, under any pretext whatever, is so
+base and odious, that I dare not say a word about it; I think, I ought
+to say, that it is also very reprehensible to endeavor to read any part
+of a letter folded in such a manner as to be partly open at the ends;
+and when a certain passage in a letter concerning yourself is handed you
+to read, you should put your finger below it in order not to read
+anything more; and if you are allowed to add anything in a letter, have
+the discretion not to cast your eyes over the rest, and be expeditious
+so as to avoid the suspicion that you take advantage of the
+circumstance.
+
+Politeness is also opposed, in certain cases, to a too great haste to
+know anything relating to ourselves. For example, if a person brings you
+a letter, you should not be in a hurry to open it, but see whether the
+letter concerns the bearer at all, or only yourself. In the first case,
+you should open it, and read it while he is present; in the other case,
+you should lay it aside.
+
+Politeness does not, however, impose such restraints upon curiosity in
+small things, and leave us free in important ones. Thus, we shall not
+say that we ought religiously to keep a secret, and that confidence
+received is a sacred deposit; but we shall say to persons who have
+curiosity to know any private circumstance, that they ought to be filled
+with shame if they do not desist all importunity as soon as they hear
+the word, _it is a secret_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+_Of Travelling._
+
+
+This chapter, although only accessory, and but remotely connected with
+the social relations, should be added here; as we do not wish to make
+any voluntary omission, and, besides, if in travelling, the duties of
+politeness are less numerous, they are not, therefore, less obligatory.
+
+Persons about to travel, ought to make visits of taking leave among
+their acquaintances, of whom they should ask if they have any commands
+for them. It would be indiscreet, unless in case of perfect intimacy, to
+accept this offer, or to ask them to take charge of such or such a
+thing, especially if it is a packet; if persons are very intimate, we
+may request them to let us hear of their arrival.
+
+Before their departure, the names of passengers are entered in the order
+of their numbers, at the public coach offices. After this, each one
+takes the place assigned him. Politeness, however, requires that a man
+should offer his seat to a lady who is less well accommodated; for it
+would be improper that he should be seated upon the back seat, while
+she should be seated upon the front one. Some persons cannot bear the
+motion of a coach when they ride backwards; and this manner of riding
+incommodes them extremely. Polite travellers will take pleasure in
+relieving them from this trouble. Ladies, on their part, ought not to
+require too much, nor put to too severe a test the complaisance of
+gentlemen. The latter, however, should at every stopping place,
+attentively help them alight, by offering the hand, and directing their
+feet on the step of the coach. The same thing is necessary in assisting
+them to get in again. It would appear badly, to take advantage of one's
+superiority of rank, to consult his own convenience alone. It is
+necessary on the contrary, for him to have great care not to incommode
+any one, and to show every civility to his fellow travellers.
+
+Politeness in travelling is not so rigorous as in society; it only
+requires that we should not incommode our companions; that we should be
+agreeable to them; that we should politely answer their questions; but
+it leaves us free to read, sleep, look about, or observe silence, &c.
+
+A traveller would be uncivil if he should open or shut the windows of
+the coach without consulting the people who are with him; or, if he
+should, without offering to them, take any light and delicate food, as
+fruits, cakes, or confectionary, but which they do not generally accept;
+and he would appear disagreeable, if, knowing the route, he should not
+point out the beautiful sites, and satisfy any questions concerning
+them; finally, he would deserve the name of an imprudent prater, if he
+should converse with his fellow travellers as with intimate
+acquaintances.
+
+On our return, we should carry or send the commissions which we have
+received. Partial acquaintances, to whom we have offered only by
+writing, to take their commands, should not expect a visit on our
+return; this right belongs only to relations, friends, or intimate
+acquaintances.
+
+Finally, all those for whom you have executed any commissions, owe you a
+visit of thanks as soon as it can be done.
+
+If you travel on horseback, in distinguished company, give them the
+right, and keep a little behind, regulating yourself by the progress of
+your companions. There is one exception to this rule; it is when one of
+the two horses is skittish, so that it is absolutely necessary that the
+other should pass on first, that this one may follow.
+
+If you happen to be on the windward side, so that you throw dust upon
+your companion, you should change your position. When we pass by trees,
+the branches of which are about the height of the shoulders, the one
+who goes first ought to take care that the branches, in going back to
+their former situation, should not strike with violence against the
+person who follows.
+
+If you are passing a large stream, a small river, or a muddy pool, by
+fording, it is polite to go first; but if we have not taken precautions,
+and fall in the rear, we ought to keep at a distance, so that the
+horse's feet may not spatter the water or mud upon the gentleman before
+us. If your companion gallops his horse, you should never pass him, nor
+make your horse caper, unless he signifies that it is agreeable to him.
+
+
+
+
+PART III.
+
+OF PROPRIETY IN RELATION TO PLEASURES.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+_Of Entertainments._
+
+
+Politeness ought, as we have seen, to direct and embellish all the
+circumstances of life; but it is, if possible, still more necessary in
+relation to pleasures, which, without it, would have no attraction.
+
+Without intending to adopt the epigrammatic style, I will say that
+dining is almost an event, so many points of propriety have the master
+of the house and his guests to observe.
+
+When we intend giving an entertainment, we begin by selecting such
+guests as may enjoy themselves together, or at least tolerate one
+another. If it is to be composed of gentlemen, there should be no lady
+present, except the lady of the house. The dinner being determined upon,
+we give out two or three days beforehand, verbal or written invitations.
+During the carnival or other season of gaiety, it is necessary to do it
+at least five days in advance, on account of the numerous engagements.
+
+When we receive a written invitation, we must answer immediately whether
+we accept or not, although silence may be considered equivalent to an
+acceptance. In the latter case, we should give a plausible reason of our
+declining, and do it with politeness. When the invitation is verbal, we
+must avoid being urged; for nothing is more foolish and disobliging; we
+ought either to accept or refuse in a frank and friendly manner,
+offering some reasonable motive for declining, to which we should not
+again refer. It is not allowable to be urged, except when we are
+requested to dine with someone whom we have seen only at the house of a
+third person, or when we are invited on a visit or other similar
+occasion. In the former case, if we accept, we should first leave a card
+in order to open the acquaintance.
+
+Having once accepted, we cannot break our engagement, unless for a most
+urgent cause.
+
+An invitation ought to specify exactly the hour of meeting, and you
+should arrive precisely at that hour. The table should be ready, and the
+mistress of the house in the drawing-room, to receive the guests. When
+they are all assembled, a domestic announces that the dinner is served
+up; at this signal we rise immediately, and wait until the master of
+the house requests us to pass into the dining-room, whither he conducts
+us, by going before.
+
+It is quite common for the lady of the house to act as guide, while he
+offers his hand to the lady of most distinction. The guests also give
+their arms to ladies, whom they conduct as far as the table, and to the
+place which they are to occupy. Take care, if you are not the principal
+guest, not to offer your hand to the handsomest or most distinguished
+lady; for it is a great impoliteness.
+
+Having arrived at the table, each guest respectfully salutes the lady
+whom he conducts, and who in turn bows also. It is one of the first and
+most difficult things properly to arrange the guests, and to place them
+in such a manner that the conversation may always be general during the
+entertainment; we should as much as possible avoid putting next one
+another, two persons of the same profession; for it would necessarily
+result in an _aside_ conversation, which would injure the general
+conversation, and consequently the gaiety of the occasion. The two most
+distinguished gentlemen are placed next the mistress of the house; the
+two most distinguished ladies next the master of the house; the right
+hand is especially the place of honor. If the number of gentlemen is
+nearly equal to that of the ladies, we should take care to intermingle
+them; we should separate husbands from their wives, and remove near
+relations as far from one another as possible, because being always
+together, they ought not to converse among themselves in a general
+party.
+
+The younger guests, or those of less distinction, are placed at the
+lower end of the table.
+
+In order to be able to watch the course of the dinner, and to see that
+nothing is wanting to their guests, the master and mistress of the house
+usually seat themselves in the centre of the table, opposite each other.
+As soon as the guests are seated, the lady of the house serves in
+plates, from a pile at her left hand, the soup which she sends round,
+beginning with her neighbors at the right and left, and continuing in
+the order of their distinction. These first plates usually pass twice,
+for every one endeavors to make his neighbor accept whatever is sent
+him.
+
+The master of the house carves or causes to be carved by some expert
+guests, the large pieces, in order afterwards to do the honors himself.
+If you have no skill in carving meats, you should not attempt it; and
+never discharge this duty except when your good offices are solicited by
+him; neither can we refuse from his hand anything sent us.
+
+A master of a house ought never to pride himself upon what appears on
+his table, nor confuse himself with apologies for the bad cheer which
+he offers you; it is much better for him to observe silence in this
+respect, and leave it to his guests to pronounce eulogiums on the
+dinner; neither is it in good _ton_ to urge guests to eat nor to load
+their plate against their will.
+
+I will now give a few words of advice to guests; puerile it may be, but
+which it is well to listen to, and observe. It is ridiculous to make a
+display of your napkin; to attach it with pins upon your bosom, or to
+pass it through your buttonhole; to use a fork in eating soup; to ask
+for _meat_ instead of _beef_; for _poultry_ instead of saying chicken,
+or turkey; to turn up your cuffs while carving; to take bread, even when
+it is within your reach, instead of calling upon the servant; to cut
+with a knife your bread, which should be broken by your hand; and to
+pour your coffee into the saucer to cool.
+
+Guests of the house of a distinguished personage are accompanied each by
+his own servant, who takes his place behind his chair. They should not
+address him during the entertainment, still less reprimand him. Before
+placing themselves at the table, they ought to direct him to serve the
+other guests also, and to retire as soon as the table is cleared,
+because the domestics of the house ought to eat by themselves.
+
+During the first course, each one helps himself at his pleasure to
+whatever he drinks; but, in the second course, when the master of the
+house passes round choice wine, it would be uncivil to refuse it. We are
+not obliged, however, to accept a second glass.
+
+When at the end of the second course, the cloth is removed, the guests
+may assist in turning off that part of it which is before them, and
+contribute to the arrangement of the dessert plates which happen to be
+near, but without attempting to alter the disposition of them. From the
+time that the dessert appears on the table, the duties of the master of
+the house diminish, as do also his rights.
+
+If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or elderly person,
+politeness requires him to save them all trouble of pouring out for
+themselves to drink, of procuring anything to eat, and of obtaining
+whatever they are in want of at the table. He ought to be eager to offer
+them what he thinks to be most to their taste.
+
+It would be impolite to monopolize a conversation which ought to be
+general. If the company is large, we should converse with our neighbors,
+raising the voice only enough to make ourselves understood.
+
+Custom allows ladies at the end of an entertainment to dip their fingers
+into a glass of water, and to wipe them with their napkin; it allows
+them also to rinse the mouth, using their plate for this purpose; but,
+in my opinion, custom sanctions it in vain.
+
+It is for the mistress of the house to give the signal to leave the
+table; all the guests then rise, and, offering their arms to the ladies,
+wait upon them to the drawing-room, where coffee and _liqueurs_ are
+prepared. We do not take coffee at the table, except at unceremonious
+dinners. In leaving the table, the master of the house ought to go last.
+Politeness requires us to remain at least an hour in the drawing-room
+after dinner; and, if we can dispose of an entire evening, it would be
+well to devote it to the person who has entertained us.
+
+We should not leave the table before the end of the entertainment,
+unless from urgent necessity. If it is a married lady, she requests some
+one to accompany her; if a young lady, she goes with her mother.
+
+The question whether it is proper, or not, to sing at table, depends now
+upon the _ton_ of the master of the house. We do not sing at the houses
+of people of fashion and the high classes of society; but we may do it
+at the social tables of citizens. In this case, we may repeat what has
+been said and proved a thousand times how ridiculous it is to be urged
+when we know how to sing, or to insist upon hearing a person sing who
+has an invincible timidity.
+
+After dinner, we converse, have music, or more frequently, prepare the
+tables for games. In the course of the soirée, the mistress of the house
+sends round upon a waiter _eau sucrée_ or refreshing syrups. During the
+week which follows the entertainment, each guest owes a visit to the
+person who has invited them. We usually converse at this time, of the
+dinner, of the pleasure we have enjoyed, and of the persons whom we met
+there. This visit has received the cant name of the _visite de
+digestion_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+_Of Promenades, Parties, and Amusements._
+
+
+The paragraphs contained in this chapter concern the most common
+relations of society. Complaisance and attentions ought therefore to
+embellish and adorn these relations with all the delicate shades of
+politeness.
+
+
+SECTION I.
+
+_Of Promenades._
+
+A young man who walks with an elderly person, undoubtedly knows that his
+companion has not the same strength and agility as himself; he ought
+therefore to regulate his pace by that of the old person. The same
+precaution should be observed when we accompany a person of distinction
+to whom we owe respect. Decorum requires that a gentleman should offer
+his arm to a lady who walks with him; and politeness requires him to ask
+permission to carry anything which she may have in her hand, as a bag, a
+book, or a parasol (if the sun does not shine;) in case of a refusal, he
+ought to insist upon it.
+
+If there are more ladies than gentlemen, we should offer our arm to the
+oldest, and to a married lady rather than to an unmarried one. If we are
+accompanied by two ladies, we cannot dispense with offering our arm to
+each of them.
+
+Place your company upon that side which seems to them most convenient,
+and beware of opposing their tastes or desires. When occasion presents
+itself, offer seats to your companions to rest themselves, and do not
+urge them to rise until they manifest a wish to continue their walk. If
+they accept your invitation to sit down, and it happens that there are
+not a sufficient number of seats, then the ladies should sit, and the
+gentlemen remain standing.
+
+In a large public garden, chairs are seldom wanting; if it is necessary
+to go for some to the place where they are kept, this is the business of
+the gentlemen, who ought to take care not to place them before persons
+already seated, for this would be an incivility. When payment for the
+seats is called for, one gentleman of the company pays for the whole. It
+would be impolite to offer to reimburse him.
+
+There is also a rule of politeness to be observed with regard to those
+whom we meet in walking. We ought to offend neither their eyes nor their
+ears. We must take care not to attract their attention by immoderate
+laughter, nor allow ourselves liberties which we cannot take in a
+private garden. To sing and skip about in walking, would expose us to
+the hootings of the multitude, and to unpleasant things for which we
+could only accuse our own folly.
+
+If you are in a public promenade, converse upon general topics, which
+can offend no one, in order that your remarks may not be wrongly
+interpreted by persons who happen to hear them. Beware on the other
+hand, of listening to the conversation of those who are not of your
+party.
+
+If you give your arm to a lady in the street, she ought to be next the
+wall. And if by chance, you are obliged to cross over, you should then
+change the arm. This deference is likewise due to all who are entitled
+to our respect. Two gentlemen do not take one another's arms in the
+street, unless they are young persons and intimate friends.
+
+We never go in advance of the lady whom we accompany, and if she stops,
+we do so likewise, and remain with her in looking at whatever attracts
+her attention. If a mendicant comes up to ask alms, we immediately draw
+out our purse to satisfy his wants, so that the lady with whom we are
+walking may not be importuned by him.
+
+If we walk in a private garden, and the company is numerous, we may
+separate, and form distinct groups. If the master of the house or any
+person of consideration, invite you to walk up and down the alleys, take
+care to give them the right, it being the most honorable side. At the
+end of each alley, and when you must retrace your steps, turn inside
+towards the other person, and not outward, as you would thus present
+your back to him. If you happen to be with two persons who are your
+superiors, do not place yourself in the middle, for that is the place of
+honor; the right, is the second, and the left the third place.
+
+Be careful also of the choice of places if you take an airing in a
+coach, and yield the first seats to ladies and distinguished persons.
+The one of most consequence gets in first, and places himself at the
+right of the back seat; the left of the same seat is occupied next;
+then, the third person seats himself on the front seat, facing the one
+in the first place; the fourth person takes the remaining seat, facing
+the one in the second place. If there is no servant, it is proper for
+the gentlemen to open the door, arrange the packets, &c.
+
+In a cabriolet or chaise, the right side is for the one who drives when
+there are only two persons. If there are three, the driver sits in the
+middle, even although he may be very inferior to his companions. I may
+add, that it is not customary for a lady to go alone in a hired
+cabriolet, since she would then be in the company of the driver only.
+
+
+SECTION II.
+
+_Of Parties and Amusements._
+
+We shall have but few things to say upon the manner of conducting
+one's-self in a party, for we should only repeat the advice we have
+already given as respects propriety in the carriage of the person, in
+visits, and in conversation.
+
+If a gentleman enters a drawing-room where there are more than ten
+persons, he should salute all generally, by a very respectful
+inclination of the head, and present his respects first to the lady of
+the house, but converse at first only with her husband; gentlemen
+usually stand in groups, while the ladies sitting, answer the salutation
+by a similar one; we should remark that the ladies do not rise, except
+in saluting one of their own sex.
+
+However distinguished a person may be, we do not allow conversation to
+be disturbed by their coming. They listen for a few moments while
+observing what persons are present, then mingle in the conversation,
+without pretending at all to monopolize it. When conversation is not
+general, nor the subject sufficiently interesting to occupy the whole
+company, they break up into different groups. Each one converses with
+one or more of his neighbors on his right and left. We should, if we
+wish to speak to any one, avoid leaning upon the person who happens to
+be between. A gentleman ought not to lean upon the arm of a lady's
+chair, but he may, while standing, support himself by the back of it, in
+order to converse with the lady half turned towards him.
+
+It would be extremely impolite to converse in a loud voice with any one
+upon private subjects, to make use of allegories and particular
+allusions which are understood only by the person with whom you are
+conversing and yourself. It would be equally out of place to converse in
+a foreign language, with any one who might be able to speak it.
+
+It is not proper to withdraw in the midst of any conversation, but to
+wait until the subject in which you are engaged shall be finished; you
+then salute only the person with whom you have been talking, and depart
+without taking leave of any one, not even the gentleman and lady of the
+house.
+
+The mind has need of recreations; it cannot be always occupied. Hence
+the custom of passing a few moments in those family and social parties,
+where we take part in the various amusements and games which have been
+invented to relax and divert the mind.
+
+It is useless to observe here that we do not mean to speak of those
+scandalous establishments in which are frequently swallowed up the
+resources of families, and where a person, led by an unhappy passion,
+may consume in one evening, enough to furnish an annual support for
+fifty orphans; we design to speak only of those innocent games, in which
+we are ambitious only of the glory of a triumph. To propose to play a
+deep game would be to expose ourselves to contempt. For, those who
+composed the assembly, would imagine that he who makes this request, has
+no other object in view but to enrich himself at the expense of others,
+and that he is accustomed to frequent those abominable houses of which
+we have just spoken.
+
+We should have a bad opinion of a player who, when he gained, should
+show excessive joy, and if he lost, should betray the least chagrin; for
+he ought to remember that it is only for amusement that he plays.
+
+Conduct yourself without letting escape the least word of
+dissatisfaction, and be pleasant even if you are unfortunate.
+
+When you leave off playing, converse with your adversary, and not seem
+to avoid him, but especially never speak to him of his good luck in
+playing, unless it be with a frank gaiety, for otherwise you would seem
+to be inspired with anger.
+
+Play with fairness, and do not endeavor to see the hand of your
+adversary in order to profit by it; pay attention to your game, and not
+hold conversation with others. This inattention would render you
+necessarily insupportable to those who play with you.
+
+If any play is contested, we should not discuss it with warmth, but
+refer to disinterested persons, explaining to them with calmness and
+politeness the point in dispute.
+
+In playing, we must always preserve an even temper; neither should we
+devote too much time to it, for then this amusement would become
+irksome, and would soon be changed to a fatiguing occupation.
+
+When the mistress of the house has prepared the tables for playing, she
+takes as many cards as each game requires players, and presents them to
+the persons present, beginning with the one whom she wishes especially
+to honor. To accept a card, is considered an engagement to play. The
+distribution of the players requires all the attention of the mistress
+of the house, for there are some persons not to be desired for partners.
+There are, besides, bad players, persons who being little accustomed to
+playing, stop a long time to think, bite their lips, strike their feet
+together under the table, drum upon the table with their fingers;
+pretend that such a person being near brings them bad luck, and request
+out of their turn to shuffle the cards, in order to change the luck, &c.
+
+The mistress of the house experiences, besides the embarrassment of
+arranging these unlucky players, sufficient trouble in keeping from the
+same table, those who have any antipathy to one another.
+
+When we commence playing, we salute, by an inclination of the head, the
+persons with whom we play, as we deal to them the first card. Gentlemen
+should collect the cards at the end of each hand, shuffle, and present
+them to the lady who is to deal.
+
+We may, without impropriety, ask of any one if he plays such a game,
+even if he plays well; and we may ask those invited to play, whom they
+desire as partners. The most honorable set, namely, that in which the
+mistress of the house plays, can never be refused, unless we are
+unacquainted with playing.
+
+
+SECTION III.
+
+_Little Sports and Games of Society._
+
+Those sports, called innocent, generally please young persons of both
+sexes, because they excite an interest, while they require an exercise
+of the memory and of the mind. It is necessary, however, in this, as in
+everything else, to manifest attention, delicacy, and propriety. We
+ought not to endeavor to be noticed for our too great vivacity or
+freedom. We should be satisfied with showing our talent at playing in
+our turn, and taking part in the common gaiety, without pretension or
+too great zeal. We should especially avoid throwing out any vindictive
+remarks, bestowing misplaced compliments, or imposing forfeits which
+would cause mortification.
+
+A young gentleman ought never to seize a young lady by the body, catch
+hold of her ribband or bouquet, nor pay exclusive attention to the same
+person. He should be agreeable and pleasant towards all.
+
+The selection of different games belongs to the ladies. The person who
+receives the company, should be careful to vary them; and when she
+perceives that any game loses its interest, she should propose another.
+
+There are almost always persons in society who wish to take the lead,
+and give the _ton_; it is a caprice or fault which should be avoided. We
+may modestly propose any amusement, and ask the opinion of others in
+regard to it; but never pretend to dictate, nor even urge having our own
+proposal accepted. If it does not please generally, we should be silent,
+and resign ourselves with a good grace to the decisions of the majority.
+
+In these little sports, the penalties which are imposed, too often
+consist in embracing the ladies of the company; but as they cannot
+refuse, since you follow the rule of the game, take care to do it with
+such propriety, that modesty may not be offended.
+
+Never prescribe any forfeiture which can wound the feelings of any one
+of the company.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+_Of Balls, Concerts, and Public Shows._
+
+
+These amusements presuppose a fortune, and good _ton_; the practice of
+society, therefore, and consequently a forgetfulness of the precepts of
+politeness in respect to them, would be truly preposterous.
+
+
+SECTION I.
+
+_Of Balls._
+
+I was going to say, let us begin with private balls; but I recollect
+that this denomination is no longer fashionable. We do not say, _a ball
+at Madam such a one's_, but an evening party (_soirée_). Nevertheless,
+when we wish to give a dance, we give the invitations a week beforehand,
+that the ladies may have time to prepare articles for their toilet.
+
+If it is to be a simple evening party, in which we may wear a summer
+walking dress, the mistress of the house gives verbal invitations and
+does not omit to apprise her friends of this circumstance, or they
+might appear in unsuitable dresses. If, on the contrary, the soirée is
+to be in reality a ball, the invitations are written, or what is better,
+printed, and expressed in the third person.
+
+A room appropriated for dresses, and furnished with cloak pins to hang
+up the shawls and other garments of the ladies, is almost indispensable.
+Domestics should be there also to aid them in taking off and putting on
+their outside garments.
+
+We are not obliged to go exactly at the appointed hour; it is even
+fashionable to go an hour later. Married ladies are accompanied by their
+husbands, unmarried ones, by their mother or by a _chaperon_. These last
+ladies place themselves behind the dancers; the master of the house goes
+before one and another, procures seats for them, and then mingles again
+among the gentlemen who are standing, and who form groups or walk about
+the room.
+
+The toilet of all the assembly should be made with great care. A
+gentleman who should appear in a riding-coat and boots, would pass for a
+person of bad _ton_.
+
+When you are sure of a place in the dance, you go up to a lady, and ask
+her if she will _do you the honor_ to dance with you. If she answers
+that she is engaged, invite her for the next dance, and take care not to
+address yourself afterwards to any ladies next to her, for these not
+being able to refuse you, would feel hurt at being invited after
+another. Never wait until the signal is given to take a partner, for
+nothing is more impolite than to invite a lady hastily, and when the
+dancers are already in their places; it can be allowed only when the set
+is incomplete.
+
+A lady cannot refuse the invitation of a gentleman to dance, unless she
+has already accepted that of another, for she would be guilty of an
+incivility which might occasion trouble; she would besides seem to show
+contempt for him whom she refused, and would expose herself to receive
+an ill compliment from him.
+
+Married or young ladies cannot leave a ball-room or any other party
+alone. The former should be accompanied by one or two other married
+ladies, and the latter by their mother, or by a lady to represent her.
+
+We should avoid talking too much; it would occasion remarks and have a
+bad appearance to whisper continually in the ear of our partner.
+
+The master of the house should see that all the ladies dance; he should
+take notice of those who seem to serve as _drapery_ to the walls of the
+ball-room, or _wall-flowers_, as the familiar expression is, and should
+see that they are invited to dance. He must do this wholly unperceived,
+in order not to wound the self-esteem of the unfortunate ladies.
+
+Gentlemen whom the master of the house requests to dance with these
+ladies, should be ready to accede to his wish, and even appear pleased
+at dancing with a person thus recommended to their notice.
+
+Ladies who dance much, ought to be very careful not to boast before
+those who dance but little or not at all, of the great number of dances
+for which they are engaged in advance. They should also, without being
+perceived, recommend to these less fortunate ladies, gentlemen of their
+acquaintance.
+
+In giving the hand for ladies' chain or any figures, those dancing
+should wear a smile, and accompany it with a polite inclination of the
+head, in the manner of a salutation. At the end of the dance, the
+gentleman re-conducts the lady to her place, bows and thanks her for the
+honor which she has conferred. She also curtsies in silence, smiling
+with a gracious air.
+
+In these assemblies, we ought to conduct ourselves with reserve and
+politeness towards all present, although they may be unknown to us.
+
+Persons who have no ear for music, that is to say, a false one, ought to
+refrain from dancing.
+
+Never hazard taking part in a quadrille unless you know how to dance
+tolerably. If you are a novice or but little skilled, you would bring
+disorder into the midst of pleasure. Being once engaged to take part in
+the dance, if the figures are not familiar, be careful not to advance
+first. You can in this way govern your steps by those who go before you.
+Beware also of taking your place in a set of dancers more skilful than
+yourself.
+
+When an unpractised dancer makes a mistake, we may apprise him of his
+error; but it would be very impolite to have the air of giving him a
+lesson.
+
+Dance with grace and modesty; neither affect to make a parade of your
+knowledge; refrain from great leaps and ridiculous jumps which would
+attract the attention of all towards you.
+
+In a private ball or party, it is proper to show still more reserve, and
+not to manifest more preference for one lady than another; we should
+dance with all indiscriminately, but we may, moreover, invite the same
+lady more than once.
+
+In public balls, a gentleman offers his partner refreshments, which she
+very seldom accepts, unless she is much acquainted with him. But in
+private parties, the persons who receive the company, send round cake
+and other refreshments, of which each one helps himself as he pleases.
+Near the end of the evening, in a well regulated ball, it is customary
+to have a supper, when the gentlemen stand behind the ladies who are
+seated.
+
+In a soirée without great preparation, we may dispense with a supper,
+but refreshments are necessary; and not to have them would be the
+greatest impoliteness.
+
+The waltz is a dance of quite too loose a character, and unmarried
+ladies should refrain from it in public and private; very young married
+ladies, however, may be allowed to waltz in private balls, if it is very
+seldom, and with persons of their acquaintance. It is indispensable for
+them to acquit themselves with dignity and decency.
+
+I have spoken of _public balls_, in contradistinction to private ones,
+and I might also have mentioned _balls by subscription_, for, in regard
+to the public balls of Paris and other large cities, we have nothing to
+advise our readers but to shun them. As to masked balls, it is an
+amusement altogether to be condemned, except those of the Opera. Neither
+should we appear there except in a domino.
+
+We should retire _incognito_, not to disturb the master and mistress of
+the house; we should make them during the week, a visit of thanks, at
+which we may converse of the pleasure of the ball and of the good
+selection of the company.
+
+
+SECTION II.
+
+_Of Concerts._
+
+The proprieties in deportment which concerts require, are little
+different from those which are recognized in every other assembly or in
+public exhibitions; for concerts partake of the one and the other,
+according as they are public or private. In private concerts, the ladies
+occupy the front seats, and the gentlemen are generally in groups
+behind, or at the side of them. One should observe the most profound
+silence, and refrain from beating time, humming the airs, applauding, or
+making ridiculous gestures of admiration. Very often a dancing soirée
+succeeds a concert, and billets of invitation distributed two or three
+days beforehand should give notice of it to the persons invited.
+
+When a lady is going to perform, it is good _ton_ for a gentleman to
+stand behind the chair of the performer, and turn over the leaves
+attentively, if he knows how to read music.
+
+We ought also after an invitation to a concert, to return a visit of
+thanks.
+
+
+SECTION III.
+
+_Of Public Shows or Spectacles._
+
+One would be deceived if he imagined that there exist no rules of
+propriety to be observed in public places, where persons assemble
+together, and at theatrical exhibitions. There are some general
+attentions which we should manifest to those persons whom we meet there.
+It would be impolite to jostle continually, and in an importunate
+manner, those near whom we are placed, to step upon the dress of a lady,
+or run against those who are moving at a moderate pace.
+
+If you go with a party to a theatrical entertainment, one of the
+gentlemen should carry the tickets to the door-keeper, in older to avoid
+any embarrassment to ladies on entering; and when the box is open, they
+should place them in the front row, according to their age, or the
+consideration they deserve. Young persons should occupy the seats
+behind, and avoid leaning over too much, to the incommoding of those who
+are seated in front of them.
+
+Gentlemen should address themselves to the attendants at the boxes, make
+them a compensation, and place under their care their hats, the cloaks
+and other articles of dress of the ladies; but we must not hang them
+over the boxes, whether it is a pocket-handkerchief, a tippet, or a
+shawl, &c.[18] Nor ought a person to turn his back to the stage; for in
+that case, he exposes himself to the derision of the pit, and to hear
+disagreeable remarks. Then the eyes of all would be fixed upon you; your
+imprudence would excite a disturbance, which would be troublesome to the
+audience.
+
+When a spectator of kind feelings is affected at the sight of the
+misfortunes which the heroes of the play suffer, or has his sympathy
+touched by the virtues which are displayed, nothing can be more annoying
+to him, than to have constantly at his side, a morose critic, who,
+without mercy, finds fault with the finest parts of the performance, who
+sees nothing to his taste, and changes into a place of fatigue and
+ennui, resorts consecrated to amusement and pleasure. It is, moreover,
+almost as ridiculous to place no bounds to our applause.
+
+When ladies enter a box where a gentleman is seated in front of them,
+propriety requires that he should offer his seat, notwithstanding they
+are strangers to him, and he should insist upon their taking it, even
+after they have once refused.
+
+If the heat incommodes you, do not open the door of the box, without the
+consent of those who occupy it.
+
+Be very reserved at the theatre, in order not to trouble those who are
+near you, and maintain a profound silence when the actors are on the
+stage, so as not to interrupt the attention of persons who take an
+interest in the spectacle.
+
+It is improper to pass too positive and severe a judgment on the
+performance, or the playing of the actors, whether to make a eulogium,
+or to find fault with them. One may meet persons of a contrary opinion,
+and engage himself in a controversy which it is prudent to avoid.
+
+Between the acts, gentlemen should ask the ladies if it is agreeable to
+them to walk in the entries, the saloon, or to take refreshments. They
+should also ask them if they wish for a journal of the theatre or play
+bill, or an opera glass; and if bouquets are sold at the door of the
+theatre, it would be proper and gallant to present them with one.
+
+As soon as you have arrived at the outer door of the theatre, if in a
+carriage, you must take care to have your party all ready at the very
+moment the carriage drives up. It is necessary to do the same thing, if
+you send a porter to get a hired coach.
+
+
+  [18] In some of the theatres in Paris, this is however allowed.--_T._
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+_Of the Duties of Hospitality._
+
+
+Those of my readers who from habit, or instinct, fear the least
+appearance of constraint, and perhaps even in this work have found
+lessons of politeness too strict, and have thought that civilization has
+augmented them beyond measure, will without doubt apply the same remark
+to the present chapter. But what in reality are these slight duties of
+modern hospitality, in comparison to the rigorous ones of ancient times?
+
+When a billet of announcement has informed you, as is customary, that a
+preceding invitation on your part will bring guests to your house, you
+must begin and carefully arrange the apartment you intend for them. They
+should have a good bed, a bureau, a fire in the winter, and everything
+which can contribute to their comfort; a wash basin, water, glass
+tumblers, a bottle of cologne, a sugar bowl filled, or rather a glass of
+water prepared, several napkins, and everything which will contribute to
+neatness, or elegance, ought to be placed in the apartment.
+
+These preliminaries being arranged, a little before the appointed hour,
+we must go and wait upon our guests; a domestic should go with you to
+bring their baggage to the house. You should embrace your friends and
+congratulate them; express the pleasure you enjoy in receiving them,
+inquire kindly about the incidents of their journey, and conduct them in
+an earnest manner, and introduce them, by requesting them to make your
+house their home; this finishes the second series of the duties of
+hospitality.
+
+The third class of obligations, is assiduity to your guests; because
+otherwise, it would seem to them, that their presence was troublesome.
+
+To you belongs the care of kindly offering to their view everything in
+your house, in the city or in the country, which is interesting; of
+making parties in honor of them, as dinner parties of their friends, or
+such as it is presumed will please them; these are obligations of
+hospitality which you cannot omit. When visitors show any intention of
+leaving you, you ought affectionately to endeavor to retain them;
+nevertheless, if their resolution seems immovable, you send to engage
+their seats at the coach office; you offer them delicate refreshment,
+and accompany them thither; then, taking leave of them, renew your
+invitations for another visit, and your regret at not having been able
+to succeed better in retaining them.
+
+To do the honors of one's own house, it is necessary to have tact,
+address, knowledge of the world, and a great evenness of temper, and
+much affability. It is necessary to forget one's-self, in order to be
+occupied with others, but without hurry, or affectation; to encourage
+timid persons, and put them at their ease; to enter into conversation,
+directing it with address rather than sustaining it ourselves.
+
+The mistress of a house ought to be obliging, of an equal temper, and
+attentive in accommodating herself to the particular tastes of every
+one, especially to appear delighted that they are with her, and make
+themselves perfectly at home.
+
+Guests, on their part, should show themselves contented and grateful for
+the reception that is given them. They should, on departing, give a
+generous remuneration to the domestics, and immediately after arriving
+at home, write to the persons who have entertained them a letter of
+cordial thanks.
+
+The duties of hospitality are of frequent recurrence, fatiguing and
+troublesome, but they are an indispensable obligation. To omit them, is
+to be willing to pass for a person of no education, and no delicacy, and
+in short it is to place people in a most embarrassing and painful
+situation.
+
+
+
+
+PART IV.
+
+OF PROPRIETY AS REGARDS OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+_Of Marriage and Baptism._
+
+
+These two subjects have peculiar right to the precepts of politeness;
+for the first is the closest of the social relations, and both furnish
+occasions for the most brilliant fêtes.
+
+
+SECTION I.
+
+_Of Marriage.[19]_
+
+We usually make a profound secret of the preliminaries of marriage,
+because, in case of its being broken off, we are afraid of malicious
+interpretations; but, after the first words are exchanged, it is
+necessary to make it known in confidence to a few intimate friends, and
+those to whom we are under obligations. Afterwards, we give intelligence
+of it by letter to our relations.
+
+A young man who solicits a lady in marriage, should be extremely devoted
+and respectful; he should appear a stranger to all the details of
+business which the two families discuss; he converses with his intended
+particularly of their future arrangements, her tastes, the selection of
+a residence, furniture, bridal presents, &c. Avoiding all misplaced
+familiarity, he calls her _Miss_ until returning from church, on the day
+of marriage; he accompanies her in all assemblies, and shows himself a
+devoted suitor.
+
+When the banns of matrimony have been published, it is customary at
+Paris for a bouquet-maker to come to adorn the bride, presenting her
+with a bouquet. This attention requires a remuneration.
+
+The marriage is declared in two ways. We invite three or four days
+beforehand persons of our acquaintance to assist in the nuptial
+benediction, and we specify precisely the time and place where the
+ceremony will be performed. As to the legal act, which is performed by
+civil authority, we invite only witnesses and near relations.
+
+If a person is invited to assist at the repast or fête which follows the
+marriage, we make express mention of it at the bottom of the letters of
+invitation.[20]
+
+We simply communicate the fact of the marriage to those who have been
+invited neither to the nuptial ceremony, nor to the entertainment.
+Propriety requires that the person invited to the marriage ceremony
+should come, or send an excuse if it is impossible to be present. A
+simple letter of announcement to uninvited persons, requires only a
+visit or two; the first of which is made by card.
+
+Presents are usually the preliminaries of a marriage: those which the
+gentleman makes his intended wife, are called _wedding presents_; they
+consist of different articles of the toilet, a set of diamonds, &c. Some
+persons content themselves with sending a purse containing a sum of
+money in gold, for the purchase of these things: the young lady then
+spends it as she thinks proper. The married gentleman is moreover to
+make a present to each of the brothers and sisters of his intended.
+
+The young lady, on her part, gives some present to her bridemaid: she
+often presents her with a dress or some ornament, and she receives in
+her turn from the other, a girdle, gloves, and a bouquet of orange
+flowers. Since we have spoken of marriage presents, we will add that at
+Paris the married lady must receive a gift from her sisters and cousins,
+and that in the provincial towns, on the contrary, she must offer them
+some token.
+
+We will now pass to the ceremony: after the celebration of the legal
+act, which may be some days previous, the married couple, followed by
+their parents, commonly go to the church in the carriages which
+conducted them to the office where the legal act was performed; for at
+Paris, whatever situation in life the parties may be in, they never go
+on foot. The married lady goes in one carriage with her relations and
+the bridemaid; the gentleman in another carriage with his father and
+mother, or his nearest relatives.
+
+The acquaintances of the two married persons, repair to the church at
+the appointed hour; the friends of the gentleman place themselves on the
+right, those of the lady on the left hand, on seats prepared beforehand.
+
+The marriage train then advances in the following order; the lady gives
+her hand to her father, or to one who represents him; then comes the
+gentleman with his mother, or the lady who represents her, and
+afterwards the members of the two families follow in couples.
+
+When the couple and their relations approach the altar, each of the
+persons present bows to them in silence; the relations place themselves
+in the same order as the acquaintances, and before the latter, in the
+front row, which should be reserved for them. The couple to be married
+are placed in the middle. Although it is polite always to present the
+right hand to the lady whom we conduct, or to give her the right when we
+are next her, yet the bridegroom takes the right of the bride, because,
+in this act, which is at once religious and civil, man ought to preserve
+the prerogative which the law both human and divine have conferred upon
+him; besides, as the bridegroom is to place the nuptial ring on the
+finger of the bride, it is more convenient for him to be upon the right
+hand than the left.
+
+When the clergyman puts the questions to them, each should consult their
+relations by a respectful sign of the head, before answering the
+decisive _yes_.
+
+The veil is held over the head of the bride by two children whose
+parents we wish to compliment. The business of the bridemaid who has
+presided at the toilet of the bride, is to designate their places at
+the religious ceremony in church; and afterwards, at the ball, is to
+supply the place of the bride, who can take no active part; it is
+usually one of her sisters or a most intimate friend who is chosen for
+this purpose.
+
+The groomsman, for there should be one or even more, looks well to the
+list of those invited to the ceremony, to see what persons are absent,
+because it is the custom of married persons not to make the marriage
+visit to any one who has been guilty of this impoliteness.
+
+The married gentleman must give presents to the attendants at the
+church, the poor, &c.
+
+After the nuptial benediction, the married couple again salute the
+assembly, and then receive the compliments of each one. There are some
+families in a more humble situation, where the married lady is embraced
+by all at the marriage ceremony; in those in a higher station in life,
+she embraces only her father, her mother, and her new relations.
+
+The new husband gives his hand to his wife when returning from the
+church; nevertheless at dinner he should be placed between his mother
+and his mother-in-law, while his wife is to be seated between her father
+and father-in-law.
+
+In case there is a supper, the married couple sit next each other.
+
+The married lady opens the ball with the most distinguished person in
+the assembly; she retires privately, accompanied by her mother, and one
+or more near relations whom they wish to compliment.
+
+The newly married couple make marriage visits in the course of a
+fortnight, in a carriage, and in full dress. They should make these
+visits alone. They leave their cards for those with whom they do not
+wish to be intimate.
+
+Such are the received usages in the capital. In the provinces, many of
+the old and common customs are preserved, as the gift of a laced shirt
+bosom to the husband by his wife; wedding favors or ribbands for the
+wife, ribbands of two colors with which they decorate the young persons
+in the marriage suite, &c.
+
+
+  [19] The greater part of the marriage ceremonies here described, are
+       according to the usages of Catholic countries, but some of them
+       are applicable to our own; and it has been thought that it would
+       be interesting to American readers to retain the whole as in the
+       original.--_T._
+
+  [20] These letters are usually duplicates, for the invitation should
+       appear to be given by the parents of both the future couple.
+
+
+SECTION II.
+
+_Of Baptism.[21]_
+
+We must invite several months beforehand the godfather and godmother of
+the child that is to be baptized. If the ties of blood have given you a
+right to this onerous duty, you cannot dispense with it. If not, you
+can seek a specious excuse.
+
+When one has consented to hold the infant at the baptismal font, he
+should perform this duty in a becoming manner, and according to his own
+condition and that of the parents of the child.
+
+A present should be given to the mother, and this present usually
+consists of confectionary. We must also give one to the godmother, a
+pair of white gloves and comfits; if she is a young person, she commonly
+receives a bouquet of white flowers in addition. If the godfather wishes
+to show her any attention, he can add to the presents an elegant and
+valuable object, such as a fan; but in that case it is good _ton_ for
+the godmother to send in return some rich and tasteful present. She also
+has the honor of giving to the child a cap, and often a baptismal robe.
+To her also belongs the duty of putting the first dress on the child.
+
+The attendant and the nurse have also a present.
+
+The officers of the church, and the poor, should each receive a gratuity
+proportionate to their condition. We simply put a piece of money into
+the hands of the humbler persons; but we present the clergyman with a
+box of presents in which is enclosed a piece of gold or silver.
+
+Persons of a very high class in order to free their friends from these
+expenses, send their domestics to present their children at the
+baptismal font. This is a most unbecoming custom; it seems to consider
+this holy consecration as a slavish ceremony, and destroys at its source
+the sentiment of respect and affection, that a godson or daughter should
+inspire in those who have adopted them before God.
+
+At whatever hour the ceremony is appointed, we go to the church in a
+carriage at the expense of the godfather. He and the godmother pass in
+first; then comes the infant borne by its nurse or a matron; then the
+father, who accompanies the other invited persons.
+
+It is the custom in many houses to give, after returning from the
+baptism, an elegant entertainment, of which the godfather and godmother
+receive all the honor. Above all, they should give their godchild new
+year's gifts while it is a child, and manifest their affection during
+the whole of its life.
+
+
+  [21] Most of the observances which follow, as well as those in the
+       section on marriage, have more particular reference to the forms
+       of the Catholic and Episcopal churches.--_T._
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+_Of Duties toward the Unfortunate._
+
+
+Propriety, the guide of all our relations, cannot remain a stranger to
+the unfortunate; that which takes possession of all our sentiments,
+cannot forget to pity. It is in this light that it is peculiarly
+touching, that it is almost religious, since it even contributes to bind
+closer this first, this powerful tie of humanity.
+
+
+SECTION I.
+
+_Of Duties toward the Sick, Infirm, and Unfortunate._
+
+When any one of your acquaintance is ill, you should regularly send a
+domestic, to inquire after their health, every day, or every other day,
+according to the virulence and nature of the disease. If there is
+immediate danger, we should send to inquire even twice a day. From time
+to time, you should send to know whether the sick person can see any
+one, because in that case you must go and testify in person, all your
+interest. You should continue to obtain information about their health
+until their recovery or death.
+
+Our visits to the sick should be very short, silent, and reserved. We
+should address to them words of interest in a low voice, and speak
+softly to the member of the family who takes charge of them. We ask him
+who is his physician, what is the treatment; we urge every motive of
+consolation and hope; we ought hardly to reply to the questions the
+person in attendance asks, with regard to our own health, or business,
+and we retire reiterating the proofs of our interest. If the person is
+convalescent or only indisposed, you address a thousand questions
+concerning their complaints; you sympathize with them, praise their
+patience, and describe to them the pleasant image of returning health.
+You must be on your guard not to say that you find their features much
+changed, that their recovery may be slow, &c.
+
+To speak these truths is very mal-apropos, and with reason; you would
+pass for having an unfeeling heart, or, rather, a limited understanding.
+
+When sufferings and troubles assume a virulent aspect, and resist all
+the efforts of medical skill, they are infirmities indeed, and a silence
+the most absolute and rigorous with respect to them, should be
+observed.
+
+Not only ought you never to speak to an infirm person of his misfortune,
+but you should also carefully avoid mentioning any person who is
+afflicted in the same way, and of thus alluding indirectly to his own
+case.
+
+The only occasion when this is allowed, is where you can make it appear
+to him that the comforts of which he is deprived are not so permanent
+but that you have experienced similar inconveniences from the same
+cause. Thus to a lame person, you might say that you yourself are
+fatigued with walking, that your own legs are not firm, &c. If the
+infirmity is not too visible, and the poor subject speaks to you of it,
+assure him earnestly that you should not have observed it. If he
+complains to you, offer him motives of consolation, and take care that
+you change the subject of conversation before he does, for you might
+make him think that you are importuning him about his malady. Finally,
+do all in your power to comfort him. If he is afflicted with imperfect
+sight, place objects near him, but without affectation, and without
+having the air of making him think that he requires your assistance,
+neither permit him to thank you. If he is troubled with deafness, you
+must not speak unreasonably loud; bring back the attention of the
+unfortunate person to the subject of your conversation by skilful and
+delicate transitions, and not abruptly say to him, _We were speaking of
+such a thing_. This is much trouble, perhaps you will say. Trouble to
+console people! Why, you take more to please them!
+
+Persons who are reduced in circumstances, keep up in their misfortune
+(at least in society) their habits of opulence; and to manage with such
+persons requires not a little skill.
+
+If they invite you to their frugal repasts, if they offer you any
+presents, let not the fear of occasioning them expense, induce you to
+refuse with warmth, and with obstinacy; you would wound them deeply.
+Accept them, and seek an opportunity of repaying with interest, these
+proofs of their politeness. Do not speak to them first of their sad
+situation; but if they introduce the subject themselves, receive their
+confidence with a respectful and affectionate attention. Show how much
+you are affected with that which grieves them, and without forgetting
+discretion, endeavor, in appearance at least, to render them confidence
+for confidence.
+
+
+SECTION II.
+
+_Of Funerals and Mourning._
+
+When we lose any one of our family, we should give intelligence of it to
+all persons who have had relations of business or friendship with the
+deceased. This letter of _announcement_ usually contains an invitation
+to assist at the service and burial.
+
+On receiving this invitation, we should go to the house of the deceased,
+and follow the body as far as the church. We are excused from
+accompanying it to the burying-ground, unless it be a relation, a
+friend, or a superior. If we go as far as the burying-ground, we must
+give the first carriages to the relations or most intimate friends of
+the deceased. We should walk with the head uncovered, silently, and with
+a sad and thoughtful mien. Relations ought not, from considerations of
+propriety, to give themselves up too much to their grief. You will owe a
+visit to persons who have invited you, if you have not been able to
+accept their invitation. If you have attended the ceremony, then they
+are the ones that owe the visit.
+
+At an interment or funeral service, the members of the family are
+entitled to the first places; they are nearest to the coffin, whether in
+the procession, or in the church. The nearest relations go in a full
+mourning dress. It is not customary at Paris for women to follow the
+procession; and, nowhere do they go quite to the grave, unless they are
+of a low class. A widower or a widow, a father or mother, are not
+present at the interment, or funeral service of those whom they have
+lost. The first are presumed not to be able to support the afflicting
+ceremony; the second ought not to show this mark of deference.
+
+There are two kinds of mourning, the full and the half mourning. The
+full mourning is worn for a father, mother, grandfather, grandmother,
+husband, wife, brother and sister. It is divided into three periods.[22]
+For the first six weeks, we wear only woollen garments; in the six weeks
+following, we wear silk, and the three last months, we mingle white with
+the black.
+
+Half mourning is worn for uncles, aunts, cousins, and second cousins.
+The first fortnight we wear black silk, and the last week, white mixed
+with black.
+
+Custom requires that a woman should wear mourning for her husband a year
+and six weeks, while that of a widower is only six months. This
+difference, which may appear singular, is founded upon reasons of
+convenience and social relations.
+
+In the three first months of mourning for her husband, a woman wears
+only woollen garments; the six first weeks, her head dress and
+neck-kerchief are black crape or gauze; in the six following weeks,
+they are white crape or linen. The next six months, she dresses in black
+silk; in winter, gros de Naples; in summer, taffetas. Head dress, white
+crape. The three last months, she wears black and white, and the six
+last weeks, white only.
+
+The mourning on the death of a wife, is a black cloth coat without
+buttons,[23] dark shoes, woollen hose, black buckles, and a sword-knot
+of crape, if the person carries one. At the end of six weeks, we may
+wear a black coat with buttons, black silk hose, silver buckles, and a
+black ribband upon the sword. The half mourning of the three last months
+is a black coat, a sword and silver buckles, white silk stockings, and a
+sword-knot of black and white.
+
+It is altogether contrary to propriety to select for yourself at the
+shops the articles of mourning, to have them made in your presence, or
+to make them yourself; and, for a fortnight at least, and sometimes even
+for the six first weeks, ladies ought not to sew, even while receiving
+their relations and intimate friends, so much are they supposed to be
+depressed by their affliction.
+
+During forty days we do not leave the house, except to go to church; it
+would be very improper to visit, dine out, or go to any assembly during
+the first mourning. When this time has expired, we make visits of
+mourning, and go out a little more, but we cannot yet appear in public
+promenades, at spectacles or balls; we cannot sing, even at home. It is
+only at the time of half mourning that we resume by degrees our former
+habits of life.
+
+For ten days at least, after the death of a very near relation, it would
+be very reprehensible for people whose profession recalls ideas of
+pleasure, as musicians, or dancing masters, to return to their
+employment.
+
+In full mourning, we should wear neither curls nor perfumes. To be
+present at a funeral, or even to look at one passing, are forbidden at
+this time. Attending a funeral service, other than that of a relation,
+is equally prohibited. Excepting during this period, it is impolite not
+to attend when invited to the funeral service of your acquaintances. You
+should appear there in mourning. At the funeral service, as well as at
+the interment, the male relatives go first, and then those invited; the
+female relatives go next, and are followed by other ladies.
+
+If we marry a person who is in mourning, we put on black the day after
+our marriage; the time preceding is reckoned as if the mourning had been
+worn. On the contrary, if we ourselves are married again at a time when
+the death of a relation by our former marriage requires this sombre
+dress, we leave it off immediately, since our new union annuls the
+former alliance.
+
+Visits which are paid to persons in mourning, are called visits of
+condolence. In making them, we observe silence, and never inquire about
+their health; this would be out of place. A gentleman offers them his
+hand, a lady embraces them, even though they are but slightly
+acquainted. We refrain from conversing on too gay or personal subjects.
+
+If we are at a distance, we testify by letter our sympathy in the
+misfortune which afflicts them. Their grief cannot excuse them from
+answering us, but it is not immediately necessary.
+
+With this subject, we shall conclude our treatise of politeness; hoping
+that, having arrived at this point, our readers may say, 'Without any
+doubt the work is full and methodical;' we shall not dare to flatter
+ourselves with more, but this is enough, for it is being sure that our
+labor has been useful.
+
+We trust then that we have rendered an essential service to youth, in
+making them acquainted with these rules, which have become so necessary;
+in truth, politeness, on which at the present day we pride ourselves, is
+a virtue which we ought never to renounce, since it gives to the
+intercourse of life, that sweetness, pleasure, elegance and charm which
+can be truly felt only by those who possess it. As the intellectual
+Madam Lambert has said, 'Politeness is the desire of pleasing those with
+whom we are obliged to live, and in a manner causing all around us to be
+satisfied with us; superiors, with our respect; equals, with our esteem;
+and inferiors, with our kindness.'
+
+
+  [22] Several of the particulars which follow, are not observed in
+       this country.--_T._
+
+  [23] It is not the custom among us to dispense with buttons.--_T._
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Notes
+
+
+Inconsistent hyphenation retained as originally printed
+(à-propos/àpropos, fire-place/fireplace, re-conduct/reconduct)
+
+Inconsistent and archaic spelling retained as originally printed
+(visitor/visiter, every thing/everything, ancle, accessary,
+bridemaid, inquiet, pantomine, secrecy, synonyme)
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Gentleman and Lady's Book of
+Politeness and Propriety of Deportment, Dedicated to the Youth of Both Sexes, by Elisabeth Celnart
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40901 ***