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diff --git a/40509-0.txt b/40509-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f1ca41d --- /dev/null +++ b/40509-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1361 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40509 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. +VOL. 107. +JULY 28, 1894. + + + LORD ORMONT'S MATE AND MATEY'S AMINTA. + + BY G***GE M*R*D*TH. + + VOLUME I. + +This was a school. Small wonder if the boys, doubly sensitive under a +supercilious head-master of laughter-moving invention, poised for a +moment on the to and fro of a needless knockabout jig-face with chin and +mouth all a-pucker for the inquisitive contest. The stout are candid +puff-balls blowing in an open sea of purposeless panting, hard to stir +into an elephantine surging from arm-chairs; and these are for +frock-coats, and they can wear watch-chains. So these boys understood +it. MURAT here, MURAT there, MURAT everywhere, with SHALDERS a-burst at +the small end of a trumpet, cheeks rounded to the full note of an +usher's eulogy, like a roar and no mistake, arduous in the moment, +throbbing beneath a schoolmaster's threadbare waistcoat, a heart all +dandelions to the plucker, yellow on top with white shifts for +feather-fringe; or a daisy, transferring petulance on a bath-chair +wheezing and groaning--on the swing for the capture of a fare--or shall +it be a fair, that too a wheeze permitted to propriety hoist on a flaxy, +grinning chub. This was SHALDERS. + +Lady CHARLOTTE EGLETT appeared. Hers was the brother, the Lord ORMONT we +know, a general of cavalry not a doubt, all sabretache, spurs and +plumes, dashing away into a Hindoo desert like the soldier he is, a born +man sword in fist. She wrote, "Come to me. He is said to be married." + +He spoke to her. "My father was a soldier." + +"He too?" she interposed. + +Their eyes clashed. + +"You are the tutor for me," she added. + +"For your grandson," corrected he. + +It was a bargain. They struck it. She glanced right and left, showing +the town-bred tutor her hedges at the canter along the main road of her +scheme. + + [Illustration] + +His admiration of the cavalry-brother rose to a fever-point. Not good +with the pen, Lady CHARLOTTE opined; hard to beat at a sword-thrust, +thought MATEY. "Be his pen-holder," put in the lady. "I _would_," said +he, smiling again. She split sides, convulsed in a take-offish murmur, a +roll here, a roll there, rib-tickling with eyes goggling on the +forefront of a sentence all rags, tags, and splutters like a +jerry-builder gaping at a waste land pegged out in plots, foundations on +the dig, and auctioneer prowling hither thither, hammer ready for the +"gone" which shall spin a nobody's land into a somebody's money passing +over counter or otherwise pocket to pocket, full to empty or almost +empty, with a mowling choke-spark of a batter-foot all quills for the +bean-feast. So they understood it. + +MATEY then was Lord ORMONT'S secretary. A sad dog his Lordship; all the +women on bended knees to his glory. Who shall own him? What cares he so +it be a petticoat? For women go the helter-skelter pace; head-first they +plunge or kick like barking cuckoos. You can tether them with a dab for +Sir FRANCIS JEUNE. He will charge a jury to the right-about of a +crapulous fallow-ball, stiff as Rhadamanthus eyeing the tremblers. But +MATEY had met this one before. Memories came pouring. He gazed. Was she, +in truth, Lord ORMONT'S? The thought spanked him in the face. A wife? +Possibly. And with an aunt--AMINTA'S aunt. She has a nose like a trout +skimming a river for flies, then rises a minute and you not there, +always too late with rod and line for sport. But there was danger to +these two, and Lord ORMONT was writing his Memoirs. A mad splashing of +unnecessary ink on the foolscap made for his head, never more to wear +the plumed cocked hat in a clash of thunder-bearing squadrons. + + END OF VOL. I. + + * * * * * + + A VADE MECUM FOR THE NAVAL + MANOEUVRES. + + (_Compiled by a Pessimist._) + +_Question._ Will the Naval Manoeuvres of 1894 have any novel features? + +_Answer._ Only in the imagination of the special correspondents. + +_Q._ Will there be the customary coloured fleets? + +_A._ Yes, with the usual commanders, officers and men. + +_Q._ Will the lesson that a fleet having speed equal to a pursuing +fleet, if given a start, will escape, be taught to all concerned? + +_A._ Yes, to the great admiration of the authorities at Somerset House +and Whitehall. + +_Q._ Will it be demonstrated that if a town on the coast is left +undefended, a hostile ironclad will be able to bombard it at pleasure? + +_A._ Yes, to the satisfaction of every scientist in the United Kingdom. + +_Q._ Will it also be made clear to the meanest comprehension that if the +night is sufficiently dark, and search-lights insufficient, a fleet will +get out of a harbour in spite of considerable opposition? + +_A._ Yes, to the great appreciation of the world at large, and the +British public in particular. + +_Q._ Will there be the customary secrecy about self-evident facts and +trivial details? + +_A._ Yes, to the annoyance of the newspaper correspondents, and the +indignation of editors thirsting for copy. + +_Q._ And, lastly, how may the Naval Manoeuvres be appropriately defined? + +_A._ As the means of obtaining the minimum of information at the maximum +of expense. + + * * * * * + + A PAINFUL POSITION. + + It is my base biographer + I've haunted all day long. + He's writing out my character, + And every word is wrong. + + With the wrong vices I'm indued, + And the wrong virtues too; + My motives he has misconstrued + As only he could do. + + I read the copy sheet by sheet + As it issues from his pen, + And this, this travesty complete + Will be my doom from men! + + I've wrestled hard with psychic force-- + It is in vain, in vain! + His nerves were ever tough and coarse, + Impervious his brain. + + Ah, could a merely psychic spell + Ignite an earthly match! + Or could a hand impalpable + Material "copy" snatch! + + I'm as incompetent as mist + The enemy to rack. + Ah, if a spiritual fist + An earthly eye could black! + + A paper-weight it lies below, + It cannot be dispersed! + The publisher will never know + _Who_ read that copy first! + + His gliding pen, for all my hate, + Has never gone awry; + "All rights reserved," they'll calmly state, + O'er me. And here am I! + + * * * * * + + GUESSES AT GOODWOOD. + +(_By a Transatlantic Cousin, according to English ideas._) + +That I shall get puppar to take me and mother down in real style. + +That we will wake up sleepy old Europe, and show these insolent insulars +that we are above small potatos. + +That I shall cut out the Britisher Misses, and make their mummars sit +up. + +That I shall take care that luncheon is not neglected, and see that all +my party, like the omnibuses, are full inside. + +That I shall think very small of the races, so long as I get my boxes of +gloves. + +That I shall do credit to the best society of Boston and the seminaries +of New York by speaking through my nose a mixture of slang and nonsense. + +That I shall call his Grace of Canterbury "Archbishop," and any owner of +strawberry leaves "Duke." + +That I shall wear a gown trimmed with diamonds, and have my parasols +made of net and precious stones. That I shall conceal the fact that +puppar made his money out of the sale of wooden nutmegs and mother's +aunt was a laundress. + +That I shall flirt with a Duke at the Races, marry him at St. George's, +and give up for ever the stars and stripes. + +P.S. (_by a Transatlantic Cousin, according to American ideas_).--I +shall continue to wonder at an English girl's notions of her kinswomen +when there are so many charming specimens of refined Columbian +gentlewomen resettled in the old home of the Anglo-Saxon race. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE," &c. + +SCENE--_Hounds on drag of Otter, which has turned up small tributary +stream._ + +_Miss Di (six feet in her stockings, to deeply-enamoured Curate, five +feet three in his, whom she has inveigled out Otter-hunting)._ "OH, DO +JUST PICK ME UP AND CARRY ME ACROSS. IT'S RATHER DEEP, DON'T YOU KNOW!" + + [_The Rev. Spooner's sensations are somewhat mixed._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE APPLE OF DISCORD; OR, WHICH IS THE LAUREATE?" + +_Paris_ ... LORD R-S-B-RY. _Venus (à la Japonaise)_ ... +SIR EDW-N ARN-LD. _Juno_ ... L-W-S M-RR-S. _Minerva_ ... ALFR-D A-ST-N.] + + * * * * * + + THE APPLE OF DISCORD. + + (_Modern Parliamentary Version._) + + [Replying to questions concerning the delay in filling up the + post of Poet Laureate, Sir W. HARCOURT said, "This is a delicate + question, and, amidst conflicting claims, I must shelter myself + in the decency of the learned language, and I would reply, + '_Poeta nascitur, non fit._' ... My hon. friend must remember + what happened to the shepherd Paris when he had to award the + apple, and the misfortunes which befel him and his + partners--_spretæque injuria formæ_."] + + _Unpoetical Statesman sings:_-- + + I'm Paris the Shepherd, _pro tem._, + And here are the three pseudo-goddesses!-- + Different, truly, from them + Who appeared, without veils, skirts, or bodices, + Unto oenone's false swain. + Well, I've no oenone to wig me; + _But_--at the first glance it's so plain, + Paris can't give the fruit to--a pigmy. + + HERÉ? Ah! this must be she! + A classico-Cambrian Juno! + Propriety's pink _all_ must see; + But what other claims has she? Few know! + Dull decency's all very fine; + She has a fine smack of the chapel; + But, dash it, I still must decline + To give Goddess Grundy the apple! + + I'm sure she's domestic and chaste, + A virtuous, worthy old body; + But--that's scarce a goddess's waist, + Her tone, too, is--well, Eisteddfoddy. + I fear, if I gave the award + To this _ex_cellentest of old ladies, + Apollo might send me--'twere hard!-- + To read one of her Epics--in Hades! + + Then Pallas! Well, Pallas looks proud, + And I have no doubt might deserve a + Big crown from a true Primrose crowd: + But--she runs rather small for Minerva! + Men _might_ mistake her for her owl. + "Her rhymes," say swell Tories, "are rippin'!" + But still, though the _Standard_ may scowl, + I _can't_ award Pallas the pippin! + + And then Aphrodite! Oh my! + In that dress she must feel rather freezy. + There's confidence, though, in her eye, + She is taking it quite Japanesy. + That _musumé_ smile's quite a fetch, + And yet--I acknowledge--between us-- + (They'll call me a cold-blooded wretch) + I _can't_ stand a Japanese Venus! + + And so "the Hesperian fruit" + I must really reserve--for the present. + Yes. Heré will call me a brute, + And Pallas say things most unpleasant, + Aphrodite--won't _she_ give me beans! + They all want the pippin--you bet it! + To grab it each "goddess" quite means, + And oh! don't they wish they may get it? + + * * * * * + +"The New Woman" (according to the type suggested by the 'Revolt +of the Daughters') should be known as "The Revolting Woman." + + * * * * * + + A BALLADE OF THREE VOLUMES. + + O awful sentence that we read, + O news that really seems to stun, + For Messrs. MUDIE have decreed, + And also Messrs. SMITH AND SON, + Henceforth consistently to shun + The trilogies we value so, + And that, for thus the tidings run, + Three-volume novels are to go! + + Reflect to what it soon must lead, + This rash reform which you've begun; + How can the novelist succeed + In packing tragedy and fun + Within the space of Volume One? + Already his returns are low, + Soon he'll be utterly undone-- + Three-volume novels are to go! + + And then for us, who humbly plead + For long romances deftly spun, + Will not these stern barbarians heed + Our concentrated malison? + Alas, your literary Hun + Nor sorrow nor remorse can know; + He cries in anger, "Simpleton, + Three-volume novels are to go!" + + _Envoi._ + + Prince, writers' rights--forgive the pun-- + And readers' too, forbid the blow; + Of triple pleasure there'll be none, + Three-volume novels are to go! + + * * * * * + +Mrs. R. says she "quite understands the truth of the ancient proverb +which says that 'the man who has a family has given sausages to +fortune.'" + + * * * * * + + LYRE AND LANCET. + + (_A Story in Scenes._) + + PART IV.--RUSHING TO CONCLUSIONS. + + +SCENE IV.--_A First-Class Compartment._ + +_Spurrell (to himself)._ Formidable old party opposite me in the furs! +Nice-looking girl over in the corner; not a patch on my EMMA, though! +Wonder why I catch 'em sampling me over their papers whenever I look up! +Can't be anything wrong with my turn out. Why, of course, they heard TOM +talk about my going down to Wyvern Court; think I'm a visitor there and +no end of a nob! Well, what snobs some people are, to be sure! + +_Lady Cantire (to herself)._ So this is the young poet I made ALBINIA +ask to meet me. I can't be mistaken, I distinctly heard his friend +mention _Andromeda_. H'm, well, it's a comfort to find he's _clean!_ +Have I read his poetry or not? I know I _had_ the book, because I +distinctly remember telling MAISIE she wasn't to read it--but--well, +that's of no consequence. He looks clever and quite respectable--not in +the least picturesque--which is fortunate. I was beginning to doubt +whether it was quite prudent to bring MAISIE; but I needn't have worried +myself. + +_Lady Maisie (to herself)._ Here, actually in the same carriage! Does he +guess who _I_ am? Somehow----Well, he certainly _is_ different from what +I expected. I thought he would show more signs of having thought and +suffered; for he _must_ have suffered to write as he does. If Mamma knew +I had read his poems; that I had actually written to beg him not to +refuse Aunt ALBINIA'S invitation! He never wrote back. Of course I +didn't put my address; but still, he could have found out from the Red +Book if he'd cared. I'm rather glad now he _didn't_ care. + +_Spurr. (to himself)._ Old girl seems as if she meant to be sociable; +better give her an opening. (_Aloud._) Hem! would you like the window +down an inch or two? + +_Lady Cant._ Not on _my_ account, thank you. + +_Spurr. (to himself)._ Broke the ice, anyway. (_Aloud._) Oh, _I_ don't +want it down, but some people are fond of fresh air. + +_Lady Cant. (with a dignified little shiver)._ With a temperature as +glacial as it is in here! Surely not! + +_Spurr._ Well, it _is_ chilly; been raw all day. (_To himself._) She +don't answer. I _haven't_ broken the ice. + + [_He produces a memorandum book._ + +_Lady Maisie (to herself)._ He hasn't said anything _very_ original yet. +So _nice_ of him not to pose! Oh, he's got a note-book; he's going to +compose a poem. How interesting! + + [Illustration: "He's going to compose a poem. How interesting!"] + +_Spurr. (to himself)._ Yes, I'm all right if _Voluptuary_ wins the +Lincolnshire Handicap; lucky to get on at the price I did. When will the +weights come out for the City and Suburban? Let's see whether the Pink +'Un has anything about it. + + [_He refers to the "Sporting Times."_ + +_Lady Maisie (to herself)._ The inspiration's stopped--_what_ a pity! +How odd of him to read the _Globe_! I thought he was a Democrat! + +_Lady Cant._ MAISIE, there's quite a clever little notice in _Society +Snippets_ about the dance at SKYMPINGS last week. I'm sure I wonder how +they pick up these things; it quite bears out what I was told; says the +supper arrangements were "simply disgraceful; _no_ plovers' eggs, and +not nearly enough champagne; and what there was, undrinkable!" So _like_ +poor dear Lady CHESEPARE; never _does_ do things like anybody else. I'm +sure _I've_ given her hints enough! + +_Spurr. (to himself, with a suppressed grin)._ Wants to let me see _she_ +knows some swells. Now _ain't_ that paltry? + +_Lady Cant. (tendering the paper)._ Would you like to see it, MAISIE? +Just this hit here; where my finger is. + +_Lady Maisie (to herself, flushing)._ I saw him smile. What _must_ he +think of us, with his splendid scorn for rank? (_Aloud._) No, thank you, +Mamma; such a wretched light to read by! + +_Spurr. (to himself)._ Chance for _me_ to cut in! (_Aloud._) Beastly +light, isn't it? 'Pon my word, the company ought to provide us with a +dog and string apiece when we get out! + +_Lady Cant. (bringing a pair of long-handled glasses to bear upon him)._ +I happen to hold shares in this line. May I ask _why_ you consider a +provision of dogs and string at all the stations a necessary or +desirable expenditure? + +_Spurr._ Oh--er--well, you know, I only meant, bring on _blindness_ and +that. Harmless attempt at a joke, that's all. + +_Lady Cant._ I see. I scarcely expected that _you_ would condescend to +such weakness. I--ah--think you are going down to stay at Wyvern for a +few days, are you not? + +_Spurr (to himself)._ I was right. What TOM said _did_ fetch the old +girl; no harm in humouring her a bit. (_Aloud._) Yes--oh yes, +they--aw--wanted me to run down when I could. + +_Lady Cant._ I heard they were expecting you. You will find Wyvern a +pleasant house--for a short visit. + +_Spurr (to himself). She_ heard! Oh, she wants to kid me she knows the +CULVERINS. Rats! (_Aloud._) Shall I, though? I daresay. + +_Lady Cant._ Lady CULVERIN is a very sweet woman; a little limited, +perhaps, not intellectual, or quite what one would call the _grande +dame_; but perhaps _that_ could scarcely be expected. + +_Spurr. (vaguely)._ Oh, of course not--no. (_To himself._) If she +bluffs, so can I! (_Aloud._) It's funny your turning out to be an +acquaintance of Lady C.'s, though. + +_Lady Cant._ You think so? But I should hardly call myself an +_acquaintance_. + +_Spurr. (to himself)._ Old cat's trying to back out of it now; she +_shan't_, though! (_Aloud._) Oh, then I suppose you know Sir RUPERT +best? + +_Lady Cant._ Yes, I certainly know Sir RUPERT better. + +_Spurr. (to himself)._ Oh, you do, do you? We'll see. (_Aloud._) Nice +cheery old chap, Sir RUPERT, isn't he? I must tell him I travelled down +in the same carriage with a particular friend of his. (_To himself._) +That'll make her sit up! + +_Lady Cant._ Oh, then you and my brother RUPERT have met already? + +_Spurr. (aghast)._ Your brother! Sir RUPERT CULVERIN your----! Excuse +me--if I'd only known, I--I do assure you I never should have dreamt of +saying----! + +_Lady Cant. (graciously)._ You've said nothing whatever to distress +yourself about. You couldn't possibly be expected to know who I was. +Perhaps I had better tell you at once that I am Lady CANTIRE, and this +is my daughter, Lady MAISIE MULL. (SPURRELL _returns_ Lady MAISIE'S +_little bow in the deepest confusion._) We are going down to Wyvern too, +so I hope we shall very soon become better acquainted. + +_Spurr. (to himself, overwhelmed)._ The deuce we shall! I _have_ got +myself into a hole this time; I wish I could see my way well out of it! +Why on earth couldn't I hold my confounded tongue? I _shall_ look an ass +when I tell 'em. + + [_He sits staring at them in silent embarrassment._ + + SCENE V.--_A Second-Class Compartment._ + +_Undershell (to himself)._ Singularly attractive face this girl has; so +piquant and so refined! I can't help fancying she is studying me under +her eyelashes. She has remarkably bright eyes. Can she be interested in +me? does she expect me to talk to her? There are only she and I--but no, +just now I would rather be alone with my thoughts. This MAISIE MULL whom +I shall meet so soon; what is _she_ like, I wonder? I presume she is +unmarried. If I may judge from her artless little letter, she is young +and enthusiastic, and she is a passionate admirer of my verse; she is +longing to meet me. I suppose some men's vanity would be flattered by a +tribute like that. I think I must have none; for it leaves me strangely +cold. I did not even reply; it struck me that it would be difficult to +do so with any dignity, and she didn't tell me where to write to.... +After all, how do I know that this will not end--like everything +else--in disillusion? Will not such crude girlish adoration pall upon me +in time? If she were exceptionally lovely; or say, even as charming as +this fair fellow-passenger of mine--why then, to be sure--but no, +something warns me that that is not to be. I shall find her plain, +sandy, freckled; she will render me ridiculous by her undiscriminating +gush.... Yes, I feel my heart sink more and more at the prospect of this +visit. Ah me! + + [_He sighs heavily._ + +_His Fellow Passenger (to herself)._ It's too silly to be sitting here +like a pair of images, considering that----(_Aloud._) I hope you aren't +feeling unwell? + +_Und._ Thank you, no, not unwell. I was merely thinking. + +_His Fellow P._ You don't seem very cheerful over it, I must say. I've +no wish to be inquisitive, but perhaps you're feeling a little +lowspirited about the place you're going to? + +_Und._ I--I must confess I am rather dreading the prospect. How +wonderful that you should have guessed it! + +_His Fellow P._ Oh, I've been through it myself. I'm just the same when +_I_ go down to a new place; feel a sort of sinking, you know, as if the +people were sure to be disagreeable, and I should never get on with +them. + +_Und. Exactly_ my own sensations! If I could only be sure of finding +_one_ kindred spirit, one soul who would help and understand me. But I +daren't let myself hope even for that! + +_His Fellow P._ Well, I wouldn't judge beforehand. The chances are +there'll be _somebody_ you can take to. + +_Und. (to himself)._ What sympathy! What bright, cheerful common sense! +(_Aloud._) Do you know, you encourage me more than you can possibly +imagine! + +_His Fellow P. (retreating)._ Oh, if you are going to take my remarks +like _that_, I shall be afraid to go on talking to you! + +_Und. (with pathos)._ Don't--_don't_ be afraid to talk to me! If you +only knew the comfort you give! I have found life very sad, very +solitary. And true sympathy is so rare, so refreshing. I--I fear such an +appeal from a stranger may seem a little startling; it is true that +hitherto we have only exchanged a very few sentences; and yet already I +feel that we have something--much--in common. You can't be so cruel as +to let all intimacy cease here--it is quite tantalising enough that it +must end so soon. A very few more minutes, and this brief episode will +be only a memory; I shall have left the little green oasis far behind +me, and be facing the dreary desert once more--alone! + +_His Fellow P. (laughing)._ Well, of all the uncomplimentary things! As +it happens, though, "the little green oasis"--as you're kind enough to +call me--_won't_ be left behind; not if it's aware of it! I think I +heard your friend mention Wyvern Court! Well, that's where _I_'m going. + +_Und. (excitedly)._ You--_you_ are going to Wyvern Court! Why, then, you +must be---- + + [_He checks himself._ + +_His Fellow P._ What were you going to say; _what_ must I be? + +_Und. (to himself)._ There is no doubt about it; bright, independent +girl; gloves a trifle worn; travels second-class for economy; it must be +Miss MULL herself; her letter mentioned Lady CULVERIN as her aunt. A +poor relation, probably. She doesn't suspect that I am----I won't reveal +myself just yet; better let it dawn upon her gradually. (_Aloud._) Why, +I was only about to say, why then you must be going to the same house as +I am. How extremely fortunate a coincidence! + +_His Fellow P._ We shall see. (_To herself._) What a funny little man; +such a flowery way of talking for a footman. Oh, but I forgot; he said +he _wasn't_ going to wear livery. Well, he _would_ look a sight in it! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PREVENTION BETTER THAN CURE. + +"CAN YOU LET ME HAVE A BULLET-PROOF COAT FOR MY LITTLE DOG? MY NEXT-DOOR +NEIGHBOUR HAS THREATENED TO SHOOT HIM FOR BARKING!"] + + * * * * * + +WHERE TO SEND A YOUNG HORSE TO BE WELL BROKEN IN FOR RIDING.--Evidently +to the "Hackney Training Schools." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PERSONAL EQUATION. + +"YOU'RE GOING TO DRIVE MY LADY TO REGENT STREET, AREN'T YOU, DICKON?" + +"YES. IT'S HALL VERY WELL FOR _'ER LADYSHIP_ TO GO ABOUT IN A THING +LIKE THIS! SHE HAIN'T KNOWN IN THE WEST END. _HI HAM!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EVICTED TENANTS." + +LOCAL VETO BILL. "ARE WE TO HAVE NO 'COMPENSATION FOR DISTURBANCE'?" + +H-RC-RT. "YOU'LL SEE!--RE-INSTATEMENT!--NEXT SESSION!!" + + [_Exeunt Bills, dejectedly._] + + * * * * * + + "EVICTED TENANTS." + + ["It is impracticable to proceed in the present Session with + some of the great measures to which the Government is pledged, + such, for example, as that relating to the Church in Wales, the + Registration Bill, and the Local Veto Bill."--_Sir William + Harcourt._ + + _Little Local Veto, loquitur:_-- + + Oh, exactly! Just what I expected! And after such volumes of talk! + My prospects you told me were brilliant, and here it all ends--in + a baulk! + O, won't I just work up Sir WILFRID, and won't I just wake Mister + CAINE? + But there, you can't trust _anybody_, these times, that's + exceedingly plain. + And _you_ too, my own bringer-up, to turn _me_ out of house and of + home! + Oho, you unnatural parent! And where shall we wanderers roam-- + Poor Taffy, and young (Registration) Bill--look at him + limping!--and Me? + And the other ones tucked up inside, and especially that impudent + Three, + The Irish, the Scotch, and the London boys, whom you so favour and + pet, + Are laughing at us from the window. But, drat them, their turn may + come yet. + They may have to turn out, after all! BILLY BUDGET of course is + all right, + For you fought for your favourite che-ild, and, by Jingo, it _has_ + been a fight! + But what have _I_ done to be rounded on? Call yourself boss of the + place? + Why, the BARTLEYS, and BOWLESES, and BOLTONS and BYRNES simply + laugh in your face! + What use to be landlord at all if you can't choose your tenants? + Oh my! + That odious Bung--one more B!--has the laugh of me still! I could + cry-- + But I _won't_. I will kick! I'm not meek, like those other two + poor little BILLS; + Look, how limp and dejected they go, though against their poor + dear little wills! + But _I_ am not going to be put upon. I'll make it awkward all round. + You won't treat me so any more; you won't "chuck" me again, I'll + be bound. + And what Compensation have I, for Disturbance? Eh! what's that you + say? + "All right?"--"Reinstatement--next year?"--"Pass away, my dears, + please, pass away?"-- + Ah! it's all very fine to look pleasant and promise fair + things--at the door; + But that's regular constable blarney, old boy, and _you've done it + before_! + Meanwhile we're Evicted, worse luck! like the poor Irish Tenants + whose case + Those busy B's muster to fight over. Ah! you put on a bold face, + But _we_ ain't the only Pill Garlics! No; some of 'em still left + inside + Will yet join us, out in the cold, as will p'raps be a pill to + their pride! + + [_Exit with other Bills._ + + * * * * * + +THE COLONEL AND THE QUIVER.--Our own Colonel SAUNDERSON, M.P., was never +better at his best than when, in the debate last Thursday night, he +said, "If the Bill passes, a quiver of horror will run through every +tenant, &c., &c." Of course the gallant Colonel meant "arrow" or "dart," +not "quiver." A dart or an arrow will run through a person, piercing him +in front, and reappearing at back. But "quiver" doesn't do this sort of +thing. An arrow so transfixing a body may make it quiver--but this is +another matter. More power to the quivering elbow of the gallant +Colonel! + + * * * * * + + LA FEMME DE CLAUDE. + + When lovely woman stoops to folly, + You'll find, according to DUMAS, + One certain cure for melancholy:-- + _Tue-la!_ + + French law, that damns you in the letter, + In spirit _change tout cela_; + They always manage matters better + _Là-bas._ + + These are the lines to play the man on; + Take her defenceless, cry "_Holà!_" + And trotting out the nimble cannon, + _Tue-la!_ + + Or take for choice the common cartridge; + Pop goes _le p'tit fusil, comme ça_! + You bag her neatly like a partridge + _Là-bas._ + + "_L'Homme-Femme_" may haunt the bosom British; + _Là France_ goes trolling "_Ça ira!_" + And waives the question with a skittish + "_Tue-la!_" + + No mutual recriminations, + No counterplea, _et cetera_; + One solves too simply these equations + _Là-bas._ + + So runs the play. We saw you foot it + Featly therein, _la belle Sara!_ + You were all there, or, so to put it, + _Toute là._ + + And now you go, and, if you'll let us, + Reluctantly we say "Ta-ta!" + Come back again, and don't forget us + _Là-bas._ + + * * * * * + +THE NEW MOTTO (_by our own Irishman_).--England expects every man this +day to pay his own Death Duty. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A ROYAL PROGRESS. + +SCENE--_Crossing in Rotten Row during the height of the Season. Two +Policemen stopping Riders. Little Girl, wheeling p'ram., with Baby +inside, about to cross._ + +_Mary Hanne._ "LOR', IT'S JUS' AS IF WE WOS THE QUEEN!"] + + * * * * * + + AIRS RESUMPTIVE. + + I.--THE GARDEN OF SLOTH. + + [Illustration: A]t the Court of the Earl, by the meeting of ways, + Man planted a garden, a garden that pays; + In the thick of the crowd, where they tread on your corn, + It is there that a singular plant has been born. + Hot days of desire and cool nights of disgust, + They are mine when its bud keeps refusing to bust. + O, Wheel of my weal! I am waiting forlorn, + I am waiting, I say, with a crush on my corn. + + In the "Garden of London" where night-lights are spread, + I watch Living Pictures, as old as the dead; + While a Tow-er Gigantic stands gruesome and glum, + By the shadow of Shows that are certain to come. + Will _they_ shoot as _I_ shoot on sixpenny slides? + Will _they_ want as _I_ want rotatory rides? + O, plant of a plant! I would barter my skin + For the chance of Ixion his regular spin! + + * * * * * + + By Our Schoolboy. + +_Q._ ([Greek: a]) Explain the allusion "Quorum Pars." ([Greek: b]) Give +reference. + +_R._ "Quorum" is a bench of magistrates who must be all Fathers of +Families, or Pa's. Hence the expression (which is a kind of Latin pun) +"Quorum Pars." ([Greek: b]) The references are numerous, and all highly +respectable. + + * * * * * + + FOR ARMS OR ALMS? + +An advertisement appears in a recent number of the _Athenæum_, headed +"Devon Volunteer Commemoration," in which "Drawings are invited for a +memorial of the fact that the Volunteer Movement of 1852 originated in +Devonshire." According to the regulations, "Drawings must be accompanied +by tenders for carrying out the work." Moreover, "the total cost, +including all charges for designing, carrying out, superintending, and +erecting the work, and surrounding the same with a suitable iron +railing, must not exceed £200." Now this is really a very fair sum, and +to assist one of our readers to win the prize, we allot the money in +appropriate items. Of course we can only give a rough estimate, but it +should be near enough to suit its purpose. + + COST OF THE DEVON VOLUNTEER COMMEMORATION MEMORIAL. + + Design (being a sovereign more than the + sum offered for a second prize) 6 0 0 + Stone 10 0 0 + Engraving inscription 30 0 0 + Gilding the names of the Committee, &c., + engaged in the work 50 0 0 + Designer's charge for carrying out, + superintending and erecting work 4 0 0 + Balance (to be used for surrounding + memorial "with a suitable iron railing") 100 0 0 + ------- + £200 0 0 + +And now, having shown how the thing may be done, we hope that +the best man may win. It is pleasant to find Art so greatly +appreciated in Devonshire--a county which apparently is as rich and +as generous as its own cream! + + * * * * * + +POST PRANDIAL.--If the geraniums and roses in my LOUISA'S garden could +speak, what celebrated dinner-giver would they name?--LOO! CULL US! + + * * * * * + + FAREWELL TO McGLADSTONE. + + (_From the Heart of Midlothian._) + + ["I must here add, in explicit terms, the few decisive words to + which, after all that has happened, I feel a natural reluctance + to give utterance. It is not my intention, at the age I have now + reached, to ask re-election (for Midlothian) when the present + Parliament shall be dissolved."--_Mr. Gladstone's Farewell + Letter to Midlothian._] + + [Illustration: AIR--"_Farewell to Mackenzie._"] + + Farewell to MCGLADSTONE, great Chief of the North! + Midlothian remembers when first setting forth, + The Chieftain she's mourning his course here began, + Launching forth on wild billows his bark like a man, + And stirring all hearts with his eloquent voice.-- + Farewell to MCGLADSTONE, the Chief of our choice! + + O swift was his galley, and hardy his crew, + Her Captain was skilful, her mariners true. + In danger undaunted, unwearied by toil, + Though the storms might arise, and the billows might boil, + In the wind and the warfare _he_ seemed to rejoice.-- + Farewell to MCGLADSTONE, the Chief of our choice! + + Blow bland on his parting, thou sweet southland gale! + Like the sighs of his sailors breathe soft on his sail; + Be prolong'd as regret that his vassals must know, + Be fair as their faith, and sincere as their woe: + Be so soft, and so fair, and so friendly of voice, + Wafting homeward MCGLADSTONE, the Chief of our choice! + + He was pilot experienced, and trusty, and wise, + To measure the seas, and to study the skies; + He would hoist all her canvas on Victory's tack, + Kind Heaven crowd it fuller when wafting him back + To his home in far Hawarden, where hearts will rejoice + To welcome MCGLADSTONE, the Chief of our choice. + + _Midlothian no more!_ 'Tis a sorrowful cry, + And we gaze on the waves, and we glance at the sky; + We shall long, when clouds darken and wild waves o'erwhelm, + For his voice through the gale, for his hand on the helm. + Now we shout through the shadows, with tears in our voice: + Farewell to MCGLADSTONE, great Chief of our choice! + + _Midlothian no more!_ Faith, we fancy we hear + The cry of the Chieftain who never knew fear, + Stout still through its sadness, "Keep up the good fight! + Let Midlothian, let Scotland, still stand for the Right!" + The last burden brave of the valorous voice + Of dauntless MCGLADSTONE, great Chief of our choice! + + _Midlothian no more!_ In despite, Chief, of all, + The Heart of Midlothian responds to your call. + Its echoes shall live, though no longer your form + Shall steer us to sunshine, or cheer us in storm. + Then farewell to the presence, but not to the voice + Of "Auld WULLIE" GLADSTONE, great Chief of our choice! + + * * * * * + + THE COPPERATION AT WINSER. + +Oh, didn't the grand old Copperation have a grand treat last week at +Winser! Her grashus Majesty the QUEEN asked 'em all down to her butiful +Pallace to hear the sollem Recorder read to her their joyful feelings at +the birth of her dear little Great Grand Son! And then, to the great joy +of all on 'em, Her MAJESTY read such a delishus arnser as amost brort +tears to the eyes of some of the young uns of the Party, and sent 'em +away to the butiful Lunshon Room to refresh exhorsted natur with a +delicate Lunch, and sum exkisit Madeary, such as King GEORGE THE FOURTH +is said to have saved xpressly for simmilar glorius ocasions. + +Don't let it be supposed as I wants peeple to beleeve as I was there; +but I had the hole account given by one as was, and I ain't ixagerated +it not a bit. + +There is a sertain Body of gents in London as ewidently wonts to play +fust fiddel in the guvernment of our grand old City, but I havent heard +of their being asked down to Winser Carsel to congratulate her Most +Grayshus MAGESTY on the late appy ewent. Should they be so I should most +suttenly make a pint of seeing 'em all start, if it were only out of +curiosity to see what sort of State Mazerine Gownds they would all wear! + +I had allmost forgot to menshun that the two Sherryffs, and the Chairman +of the big Tower Bridge, was all benighted, and came out of the presents +Chamber smiling like ancient Cherubs. I am told as how as the +Copperation was so werry much delited with their royal wisit to royal +Winser, that they has been and passed a werry similer wote of thanks to +the Dook and Dutchess of YORK, and arsked them to receeve 'em jest the +same as the QUEEN did, but they is both werry sorry to say, that their +Pallis not being near so big as Her MAJESTY'S, they hopes as only a +small Deppytation of Aldermen and C. C.'s will attend. + +Oh won't there be jest a rush for places, as every one on 'em is +naterally anxious to show his loyelty on so hinteresting an ocasion, tho +of course they carnt expec to have heverything exacly the same as they +had at Royel Winser. + + ROBERT. + + * * * * * + + OPERA NOTES. + +_Tuesday, July 17._--"The opera season will terminate July 30." To-night +VERDI'S opera of _Aïda_, "with the dotlets on the _i_." First appearance +of Madame ADINI, a spacious _prima donna_ who amply fills the part. +GIULIA RAVOGLI an excellent _Amneris_. Opera apparently not particularly +attractive, or more powerful attractions elsewhere. + +_Saturday, 21._--_Pagliacci_ followed by new opera entitled _The Lady of +Longford_, though it would have been more polite had the Pagliacci +allowed the Lady to precede them. But Pagliacci will be Pagliacci. _The +Lady_'s Librettists are Sir DRURIOLANUS POETICUS and Mr. F. E. +WEATHERLY. The music is by EMIL BACH. The Gentlemen of Longford are +represented by Messrs. ALVAREZ and EDOUARD DE RESZKE, while _the_ Lady, +the big lady, is EMMA EAMES--"quite the lady"--and the little lady is +EVELYN HUGHES. This new Lady turns out to be our old friend the one-act +drama by TOM TAYLOR entitled _A Sheep in Wolf's Clothing_, set to music, +the comic characters being omitted, and the end made tragic instead of +happy. The music does not entitle BACH to take a front seat. EMMA EAMES +excellent; FANNY HUGHES funny; ALVAREZ good; JEAN DE RESZKE first-rate +all-round-head Colonel, but more like a Cathedral than a Kirk. Composer +and Librettists complimented; MANCINELLI conducted; house full. General +satisfaction. + + * * * * * + +HARD CASE OF "EVICTED TENANTS" IN DRURY LANE.--At a general assembly of +the Theatre Royal Drury Lane Company of Proprietors last Wednesday, Mr. +CHITTY is reported to have observed that "after putting £300,000 into +the building without receiving a farthing in return, they were now to +have their money confiscated by the law, but in such circumstances as +one would not have expected from a nobleman in the Duke of BEDFORD'S +position." Ahem! Why did not Sir DRURIOLANUS arise and, remembering the +_Barber of Seville_, sing "CHITTY, CHITTY, _piano! piano!_" But +naturally the Drury Laneites must feel a bit hurt. + + * * * * * + + THE "GRAND NATIONAL" + TRUST. + +A Meeting has recently taken place at Grosvenor House to establish a +National Trust, the idea being to preserve places of historic interest +and natural beauty. Announced at the meeting that already a beautiful +cliff had been promised by a lady. We understand the following promises +have also been received:-- + +_The Duke of W-stm-nst-r._--A very handsome ground-rent. Intended to +support and sustain beautiful cliffs, &c. + +_The Duke of D-v-nsh-re._--Ch-tsw-rth, which, owing to recent +legislation, he can no longer afford to keep up. Intends to take a small +cottage, it is believed, at some inexpensive town on the East Coast. +Several Distressed Dukes have also promised, on their death, to leave +their estates to the Trust. + +_A Lover of Ozone._--A particularly bracing breeze. To be dedicated to +the public for ever. + +_The London County Council._--The Shaftesbury Fountain. The L. C. C., we +understand, welcomes the prospect of handing over to the Trust the +responsibility attaching to this insoluble problem. + +_A Hertfordshire Gentleman._--A thoroughly reliable right of way. + +_Mr. Th-m-s B-ch-m._--A unique collection of signboards _in situ_. These +are placed in the midst of the most lovely natural scenery, and in +themselves will very soon, it is hoped, be of _historic_ interest. + +_Sir Fr-d-r-ck P-ll-ck_ will arrange in every case to supply a good +title. + +_Mr. Punch_ heartily commends so patriotic a scheme to his readers. Any +beautiful cliffs, ground-rents, rights of way, &c., sent to him at 85, +Fleet Street will immediately be forwarded to the proper quarter. +N.B.--It is just possible an exception to this rule might be made in the +case of ground-rents. + + * * * * * + + HOW IT IS DONE. + + (_An Art-Recipe._) + + [Illustration: QUID EST PICTURA?--VERITAS FALSA. + + (Epictetus.)] + + Take a lot of black triangles, + Some amorphous blobs of red; + Just a sprinkle of queer spangles, + An ill-drawn Medusa head; + Some red locks in Gorgon tangles, + And a scarlet sunshade, spread: + Take a "_portière_" quaint and spotty, + Take a turn-up nose or two; + The loose lips of one "gone dotty," + A cheese-cutter chin, askew; + Pose like that of front-row "TOTTIE," + Hat as worn by "COSTER LOO"; + Take an hour-glass waist, in section, + Shoulders hunched up camel-wise; + Give a look of introspection + (Or a squint) to two black eyes; + Or a glance of quaint dejection, + Or a glare of wild surprise; + Slab and slop them all together + With a background of sheer sludge; + (Like a slum in foggy weather), + And this blend of scrawl and smudge + Vend as ART--in highest feather!-- + Dupes in praise will blare and blether. + Honest _Burchells_ will cry--"FUDGE!!!" + + * * * * * + + A Demi-French Octave. + + (_Picked up in a Dressing-room._) + + My razor, you're a true _raseur_, + That is, you bore me badly! + You're blunt, you gash--_de tout mon coeur_ + I _bless_ you wildly, madly! + _Vraiment, c'est vous qu' j'ai en horreur_ + Each morn on rising sadly; + Were't not that shaving's _de rigueur_, + In turn I'd cut _you_ gladly! + + * * * + +IN VIEW OF HOLIDAYS. A HINT.--Of course if you're on pedestrian tours +bent--if you're a bicyclist you'll be still more bent--you cannot do +better than, as a pedestrian, get WALKER'S Maps. If you are going to +sail, or by steam, you are again referred to----"WALKER, London." There +is a good idea in these Maps which might be still further developed, and +that is not only to show the route and the manner of making your +journey, but by arrangement with the principal Steam-boat and Railway +Companies some sort of "itinerary" might be added to the Map, with +information as to the "means whereby," which to the toiler in search of +a brief holiday "by rail, by river, or by sea," and perhaps by all +three, would be most useful were it available as an almost +"instantaneous process" of reference. + + * * * + + BISLEY. + + Pelt or drizzly, + Weather--_Bisley_! + + * * * + +FINANCIAL PROBLEM (_the effect of reading the Budget Debates_).--Why is +the Income-Tax so sharply felt? Because, disguise it as you may, it's a +case of tin-tax! + + * * * + +LONDON KNIGHT BY KNIGHT.--The SOLICITOR-GENERAL Knighted last Wednesday +at Windsor. Will BOB (the only name by which his many friends know him) +henceforth be known as "the Queen's Shilling"? + + * * * * * + + RANELAGH IN RAIN. + + How sweet this road is, fringed by hedgerow elm, + Where peeps in May the hawthorn's snowy bud, + A fairy place that seems _Titania's_ realm! + By Jove, what mud! + + How sweet this turf, as soft as finest moss! + Such "_gazon anglais_" we alone can get. + Oh hang it, no! I cannot walk across, + It's soaking wet! + + How sweet that lake, where gentle eddies play! + But all around seems lake, through rainfall dim. + Why want a pond, when on dry (!) land to-day + We almost swim? + + How sweet--to get a Hansom home again, + And leave this aguish, rheumatic damp! + I do not love thee, Ranelagh, in rain, + Beneath a gamp. + + * * * * * + + WHAT'S IN A NAME INDEED? + + "Edward, Albert, Christian, George, + Andrew, Patrick, David, + Drink life's pleasures with free gorge! + From its pains be savèd!" + So said _Punch_ at the White Lodge, + His old optics glistening, + Sure such names ill-luck should dodge; + Sure such names no babe e'er bore, + Patron Saints! You've all the four + To bless the Royal Christening! + + * * * * * + +A COMPANY THAT OUGHT TO "FLOAT."--"The Cork Company." + + * * * * * + + ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + + EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, July 16._--The Blameless B. is translated +into the Breathless BARTLEY. Of eleven pages of Amendments to Budget +Bill standing for consideration when House met to-day, not less than +three contributed by this particular B. Embodied readjusted scale of +graduated taxation. Only objections to it presently stated by SQUIRE OF +MALWOOD: (1) It would necessitate total reconstruction of Bill (2) +resulting in loss of £643,000; (3) whole question had been thoroughly +threshed out in Committee. To raise it again at eleventh hour seemed too +much to ask even in connection with Budget Bill. + +Nevertheless BARTLEY, not yet breathless, moved his multitudinous +Amendment. Resumed his seat with consciousness of man who had done his +duty. The SQUIRE would get up to answer him; debate would follow; at +least two hours would be pleasantly occupied. Instead of SQUIRE, +ATTORNEY-GENERAL rose. "Well," said BLAMELESS, throwing himself into +attitude of attention, "let's hear what he has to say." + +Turned out to be exceedingly little. "Government scale has been attacked +and defended many times," said ATTORNEY-GENERAL. "I do not think it +necessary to defend it again; but," here he leaned on the table with +engaging look at the now BREATHLESS BARTLEY, "the hon. gentleman can +take a division if he thinks fit." + +BARTLEY sat and audibly gasped. JOKIM gallantly protested against this +treatment of his hon. friend; threatened to move adjournment of debate. +PRINCE ARTHUR sent for; arrived almost as breathless as BARTLEY; thunder +boomed, lightning flashed round head of ATTORNEY-GENERAL, who is always +finding himself astonished. "The hon. and learned gentleman," said +PRINCE ARTHUR, with delightful assumption of anger, "has abused the +situation. The Opposition have no means of compelling him to talk sense, +but talk he must." + +SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, who had fled before prospect of long speech from +BARTLEY, hastily brought back. Don't know where incident would have +ended had it not been for KENYON-SLANEY. Finding opening he slipped in. +Threw himself into easy oratorical attitude; proposed to consider +principle of graduation adopted in Bill. Would do so under three heads: +injustice to the poor, injustice to the middle-class, injustice to the +rich. + +This too much even for Opposition. With groans of despair they rushed +into Division Lobby; BARTLEY'S scheme negatived by majority of 62. + +_Business done._--Budget Bill passed Report stage. + +_Wednesday._--ST. JOHN BRODRICK sitting on front Opposition Bench +through Committee of Supply on Army Estimates this afternoon, invested +neighbourhood with unwonted air of fashion. Not that there is, as a +rule, any lack of style on part of Leaders of Opposition regarded as a +body. Only something, _je ne sais quoi_, about BRODRICK that suggested +profoundest depths of POOLE. Couldn't help complimenting him on his turn +out. + +"Evidently you spare no expense," I said; "though why even a millionaire +should wear an overcoat a day like this seems wicked waste of property. +Hope you are not growing desperate in anticipation of Death Duties; +spending your money recklessly so that HARCOURT may be disappointed +when, for taxing purposes, he comes to aggregate your property?" + + [Illustration: "The Young Wales Party."] + +"My dear boy," said BRODRICK, giving the overcoat a dexterous lift by +the lappels that added fresh grace to its fit at the back of the neck, +"you're out of it altogether. This is the thirteen-and-sixpenny coat +supplied to Tommy Atkins in which,--following the advice of Dr. JOHNSON, +wasn't it?--I, as I told the House the other day, took a walk down Bond +Street. The surtout underneath, which I will fully display when the +House gets a little fuller, cost seventeen-and-six net. You will observe +it is so made that you can button it across and so save a waistcoat. If +you must have a waistcoat, we can do it at eight-and-ninepence. As for +trousers, these cost me thirteen shillings." (Here he stretched out and +fondly regarded a manly leg.) "If I had taken a couple of pair, cut at +the same time you know, I could have had the two for 25_s._ I see your +eyes fixed on the boots. As you say, the shape of the foot may have +something to do with it. But apart from that, the article is equal to +what you pay thirty-five shillings for in Regent Street or Piccadilly. +Eleven-and-ninepence was the figure. Misfits, very popular with privates +newly joined, knock off the odd ninepence. Of course I don't wear this +suit every day. Can't afford that; put 'em on whenever House in +Committee on Army Supply or debate going forward on Army matters. It +encourages CAWMELL--BANNERMAN, you know; helps WOODALL in getting his +clothing vote; and, I believe, is rather liked by Tommy Atkins." + +_Business done._--SQUIRE OF MALWOOD announces programme for remainder of +Session. A mere nothing. Only, as PRINCE ARTHUR says, in view of number +of Bills and their contentious character, more like what we are +accustomed to at beginning of Session, than to have dumped down in what +should be its last month. + +_Thursday._--"JOSEPH," said the Member for SARK, dropping into one of +his tiresome didactic moods, "would do well in any circumstances. +Whether in Upper Egypt or Lower, he was sure to come to the top of the +well, however securely his brethren might have packed him in its lowest +depths. But, regarding him just now as he criticised the SQUIRE'S +arrangements for the Session, I could not help thinking what a loss the +auction-room has only partially survived by his turn into the field of +politics. If in early life, or even middle age, he had only taken to the +rostrum, the shade of the much over-rated ROBINS would have been dimmed +in glory. Observe how well he looks the part. See with what unconscious +effect he produces a stumpy piece of lead pencil, and looks round for +bids. Listen to the clear sharp notes of his voice. 'What shall we say, +gentlemen, for the Equalisation of Rates Bill? How many days will you +give for it? Name your own time, gentlemen. There is no reserve. Shall +we say six days? Does the tall, somewhat stout gentleman with a white +waistcoat, on the Treasury Bench, shake his head? Very well, we will say +four days. Going at four days;' and the pencil, scratching out six, +substitutes four. This may seem very easy when it's done; but it's art, +TOBY, even genius. If you think it's easy for a man discussing State +business, suddenly but completely to invest the high court of Parliament +with the tone and atmosphere of an auction-room, just reckon up how many +other men of first rank in public life could do it. Not to go further +afield, could PRINCE ARTHUR manage it, even after a week's training? +Very well; then don't minimise a successful effort because, thanks to +the commanding influence of native talent, its accomplishment seems easy +to a particular person." + +_Business done._--HICKS-BEACH, complaining that Ministers have dropped a +large number of Bills for lack of time to pass them, and asserting that +the time remaining at their disposal for passing the poor balance is too +short, reduces it by three hours, in order that he and his friends may +lament the fact. + +_Friday._--House heard with keen satisfaction that SZLUMPER is around +again. Not having seen in the newspapers any telegrams from him lately, +there was vague idea that he had succumbed to his exertions on occasion +of the happy event at White Lodge. Perhaps he was a little fatigued, for +SZLUMPER, in addition to being Mayor of Richmond, is almost human. No +man born of woman could with impunity fire off such a succession of +telegrams as on that memorable day SZLUMPER dealt out to his Sovereign, +the Heir Apparent to the Throne, the Crowned Heads of Europe, and his +ducal neighbours at the White Lodge. But on Royal Christening day +SZLUMPER was around again, with a little SZLUMPER carrying a bouquet of +flowers to be presented to the QUEEN, whilst SZLUMPER _père_, plumped on +his knees, welcomed his Sovereign within the gateway of ancient +Richmond. + +"_Ah, ce_ SZLUMPER!" said SARK, "he delights me more and more. He +represents, if you think of it, the essence of our English social life. +He is part of the foundation of the British Constitution, which +everyone, especially those regarding it from a distance, regards as the +perfection of good government." + +_Business done._--A dull night speechmaking on Irish Evicted Tenants +Bill. + + * * * * * + + OXFORD AND YALE.--(JULY 16.) + + A very good fight! Come again to us, Yale! + We know a true Yank knows not how to spell "fail." + HICKOK and SHELDON can throw and can jump! + And e'en in the racing you made our lads pump + Come again, Yale, come again, and again; + Victors or vanquished such visits aren't vain. + One of these days you will probably nick us. + We don't crow when we lick; we won't cry when you lick us! + + * * * * * + +Rise, Sir! + + "We are informed that the QUEEN has been pleased to confer the + honour of a Baronetcy on Dr. JOHN WILLIAMS, of Brook Street. Dr. + WILLIAMS is the Physician who attended the Duchess of + YORK."--_Daily Paper, July 16._ + +We congratulate Sir JOHN, who is now a Sur-geon in every sense of the +word. + + + + + Transcriber Notes: + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the document, the oe ligature was replaced with "oe". + +Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of the +speakers. Those words were retained as-is. + +The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. + +Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +107, July 28th 1894, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40509 *** |