Add files from ibiblio as of 2025-03-08 22:11:34HEADmain

1 files changed, 1361 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/40509-0.txt b/40509-0.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f1ca41d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/40509-0.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1361 @@
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40509 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+VOL. 107.
+JULY 28, 1894.
+
+
+                 LORD ORMONT'S MATE AND MATEY'S AMINTA.
+
+                          BY G***GE M*R*D*TH.
+
+                               VOLUME I.
+
+This was a school. Small wonder if the boys, doubly sensitive under a
+supercilious head-master of laughter-moving invention, poised for a
+moment on the to and fro of a needless knockabout jig-face with chin and
+mouth all a-pucker for the inquisitive contest. The stout are candid
+puff-balls blowing in an open sea of purposeless panting, hard to stir
+into an elephantine surging from arm-chairs; and these are for
+frock-coats, and they can wear watch-chains. So these boys understood
+it. MURAT here, MURAT there, MURAT everywhere, with SHALDERS a-burst at
+the small end of a trumpet, cheeks rounded to the full note of an
+usher's eulogy, like a roar and no mistake, arduous in the moment,
+throbbing beneath a schoolmaster's threadbare waistcoat, a heart all
+dandelions to the plucker, yellow on top with white shifts for
+feather-fringe; or a daisy, transferring petulance on a bath-chair
+wheezing and groaning--on the swing for the capture of a fare--or shall
+it be a fair, that too a wheeze permitted to propriety hoist on a flaxy,
+grinning chub. This was SHALDERS.
+
+Lady CHARLOTTE EGLETT appeared. Hers was the brother, the Lord ORMONT we
+know, a general of cavalry not a doubt, all sabretache, spurs and
+plumes, dashing away into a Hindoo desert like the soldier he is, a born
+man sword in fist. She wrote, "Come to me. He is said to be married."
+
+He spoke to her. "My father was a soldier."
+
+"He too?" she interposed.
+
+Their eyes clashed.
+
+"You are the tutor for me," she added.
+
+"For your grandson," corrected he.
+
+It was a bargain. They struck it. She glanced right and left, showing
+the town-bred tutor her hedges at the canter along the main road of her
+scheme.
+
+                             [Illustration]
+
+His admiration of the cavalry-brother rose to a fever-point. Not good
+with the pen, Lady CHARLOTTE opined; hard to beat at a sword-thrust,
+thought MATEY. "Be his pen-holder," put in the lady. "I _would_," said
+he, smiling again. She split sides, convulsed in a take-offish murmur, a
+roll here, a roll there, rib-tickling with eyes goggling on the
+forefront of a sentence all rags, tags, and splutters like a
+jerry-builder gaping at a waste land pegged out in plots, foundations on
+the dig, and auctioneer prowling hither thither, hammer ready for the
+"gone" which shall spin a nobody's land into a somebody's money passing
+over counter or otherwise pocket to pocket, full to empty or almost
+empty, with a mowling choke-spark of a batter-foot all quills for the
+bean-feast. So they understood it.
+
+MATEY then was Lord ORMONT'S secretary. A sad dog his Lordship; all the
+women on bended knees to his glory. Who shall own him? What cares he so
+it be a petticoat? For women go the helter-skelter pace; head-first they
+plunge or kick like barking cuckoos. You can tether them with a dab for
+Sir FRANCIS JEUNE. He will charge a jury to the right-about of a
+crapulous fallow-ball, stiff as Rhadamanthus eyeing the tremblers. But
+MATEY had met this one before. Memories came pouring. He gazed. Was she,
+in truth, Lord ORMONT'S? The thought spanked him in the face. A wife?
+Possibly. And with an aunt--AMINTA'S aunt. She has a nose like a trout
+skimming a river for flies, then rises a minute and you not there,
+always too late with rod and line for sport. But there was danger to
+these two, and Lord ORMONT was writing his Memoirs. A mad splashing of
+unnecessary ink on the foolscap made for his head, never more to wear
+the plumed cocked hat in a clash of thunder-bearing squadrons.
+
+                             END OF VOL. I.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                       A VADE MECUM FOR THE NAVAL
+                              MANOEUVRES.
+
+                      (_Compiled by a Pessimist._)
+
+_Question._ Will the Naval Manoeuvres of 1894 have any novel features?
+
+_Answer._ Only in the imagination of the special correspondents.
+
+_Q._ Will there be the customary coloured fleets?
+
+_A._ Yes, with the usual commanders, officers and men.
+
+_Q._ Will the lesson that a fleet having speed equal to a pursuing
+fleet, if given a start, will escape, be taught to all concerned?
+
+_A._ Yes, to the great admiration of the authorities at Somerset House
+and Whitehall.
+
+_Q._ Will it be demonstrated that if a town on the coast is left
+undefended, a hostile ironclad will be able to bombard it at pleasure?
+
+_A._ Yes, to the satisfaction of every scientist in the United Kingdom.
+
+_Q._ Will it also be made clear to the meanest comprehension that if the
+night is sufficiently dark, and search-lights insufficient, a fleet will
+get out of a harbour in spite of considerable opposition?
+
+_A._ Yes, to the great appreciation of the world at large, and the
+British public in particular.
+
+_Q._ Will there be the customary secrecy about self-evident facts and
+trivial details?
+
+_A._ Yes, to the annoyance of the newspaper correspondents, and the
+indignation of editors thirsting for copy.
+
+_Q._ And, lastly, how may the Naval Manoeuvres be appropriately defined?
+
+_A._ As the means of obtaining the minimum of information at the maximum
+of expense.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                          A PAINFUL POSITION.
+
+                  It is my base biographer
+                    I've haunted all day long.
+                  He's writing out my character,
+                    And every word is wrong.
+
+                  With the wrong vices I'm indued,
+                    And the wrong virtues too;
+                  My motives he has misconstrued
+                    As only he could do.
+
+                  I read the copy sheet by sheet
+                    As it issues from his pen,
+                  And this, this travesty complete
+                    Will be my doom from men!
+
+                  I've wrestled hard with psychic force--
+                    It is in vain, in vain!
+                  His nerves were ever tough and coarse,
+                    Impervious his brain.
+
+                  Ah, could a merely psychic spell
+                    Ignite an earthly match!
+                  Or could a hand impalpable
+                    Material "copy" snatch!
+
+                  I'm as incompetent as mist
+                    The enemy to rack.
+                  Ah, if a spiritual fist
+                    An earthly eye could black!
+
+                  A paper-weight it lies below,
+                    It cannot be dispersed!
+                  The publisher will never know
+                    _Who_ read that copy first!
+
+                  His gliding pen, for all my hate,
+                    Has never gone awry;
+                  "All rights reserved," they'll calmly state,
+                    O'er me. And here am I!
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                          GUESSES AT GOODWOOD.
+
+(_By a Transatlantic Cousin, according to English ideas._)
+
+That I shall get puppar to take me and mother down in real style.
+
+That we will wake up sleepy old Europe, and show these insolent insulars
+that we are above small potatos.
+
+That I shall cut out the Britisher Misses, and make their mummars sit
+up.
+
+That I shall take care that luncheon is not neglected, and see that all
+my party, like the omnibuses, are full inside.
+
+That I shall think very small of the races, so long as I get my boxes of
+gloves.
+
+That I shall do credit to the best society of Boston and the seminaries
+of New York by speaking through my nose a mixture of slang and nonsense.
+
+That I shall call his Grace of Canterbury "Archbishop," and any owner of
+strawberry leaves "Duke."
+
+That I shall wear a gown trimmed with diamonds, and have my parasols
+made of net and precious stones. That I shall conceal the fact that
+puppar made his money out of the sale of wooden nutmegs and mother's
+aunt was a laundress.
+
+That I shall flirt with a Duke at the Races, marry him at St. George's,
+and give up for ever the stars and stripes.
+
+P.S. (_by a Transatlantic Cousin, according to American ideas_).--I
+shall continue to wonder at an English girl's notions of her kinswomen
+when there are so many charming specimens of refined Columbian
+gentlewomen resettled in the old home of the Anglo-Saxon race.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: "THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE," &c.
+
+SCENE--_Hounds on drag of Otter, which has turned up small tributary
+stream._
+
+_Miss Di (six feet in her stockings, to deeply-enamoured Curate, five
+feet three in his, whom she has inveigled out Otter-hunting)._ "OH, DO
+JUST PICK ME UP AND CARRY ME ACROSS. IT'S RATHER DEEP, DON'T YOU KNOW!"
+
+                   [_The Rev. Spooner's sensations are somewhat mixed._]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: "THE APPLE OF DISCORD; OR, WHICH IS THE LAUREATE?"
+
+_Paris_ ... LORD R-S-B-RY. _Venus (à la Japonaise)_ ...
+SIR EDW-N ARN-LD. _Juno_ ... L-W-S M-RR-S. _Minerva_ ... ALFR-D A-ST-N.]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                         THE APPLE OF DISCORD.
+
+                   (_Modern Parliamentary Version._)
+
+    [Replying to questions concerning the delay in filling up the
+    post of Poet Laureate, Sir W. HARCOURT said, "This is a delicate
+    question, and, amidst conflicting claims, I must shelter myself
+    in the decency of the learned language, and I would reply,
+    '_Poeta nascitur, non fit._' ... My hon. friend must remember
+    what happened to the shepherd Paris when he had to award the
+    apple, and the misfortunes which befel him and his
+    partners--_spretæque injuria formæ_."]
+
+                    _Unpoetical Statesman sings:_--
+
+            I'm Paris the Shepherd, _pro tem._,
+              And here are the three pseudo-goddesses!--
+            Different, truly, from them
+              Who appeared, without veils, skirts, or bodices,
+            Unto oenone's false swain.
+              Well, I've no oenone to wig me;
+            _But_--at the first glance it's so plain,
+              Paris can't give the fruit to--a pigmy.
+
+            HERÉ? Ah! this must be she!
+              A classico-Cambrian Juno!
+            Propriety's pink _all_ must see;
+              But what other claims has she? Few know!
+            Dull decency's all very fine;
+              She has a fine smack of the chapel;
+            But, dash it, I still must decline
+              To give Goddess Grundy the apple!
+
+            I'm sure she's domestic and chaste,
+              A virtuous, worthy old body;
+            But--that's scarce a goddess's waist,
+              Her tone, too, is--well, Eisteddfoddy.
+            I fear, if I gave the award
+              To this _ex_cellentest of old ladies,
+            Apollo might send me--'twere hard!--
+              To read one of her Epics--in Hades!
+
+            Then Pallas! Well, Pallas looks proud,
+              And I have no doubt might deserve a
+            Big crown from a true Primrose crowd:
+              But--she runs rather small for Minerva!
+            Men _might_ mistake her for her owl.
+              "Her rhymes," say swell Tories, "are rippin'!"
+            But still, though the _Standard_ may scowl,
+              I _can't_ award Pallas the pippin!
+
+            And then Aphrodite! Oh my!
+              In that dress she must feel rather freezy.
+            There's confidence, though, in her eye,
+              She is taking it quite Japanesy.
+            That _musumé_ smile's quite a fetch,
+              And yet--I acknowledge--between us--
+            (They'll call me a cold-blooded wretch)
+              I _can't_ stand a Japanese Venus!
+
+            And so "the Hesperian fruit"
+              I must really reserve--for the present.
+            Yes. Heré will call me a brute,
+              And Pallas say things most unpleasant,
+            Aphrodite--won't _she_ give me beans!
+              They all want the pippin--you bet it!
+            To grab it each "goddess" quite means,
+              And oh! don't they wish they may get it?
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+"The New Woman" (according to the type suggested by the 'Revolt
+of the Daughters') should be known as "The Revolting Woman."
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                      A BALLADE OF THREE VOLUMES.
+
+                  O awful sentence that we read,
+                  O news that really seems to stun,
+                  For Messrs. MUDIE have decreed,
+                  And also Messrs. SMITH AND SON,
+                  Henceforth consistently to shun
+                  The trilogies we value so,
+                  And that, for thus the tidings run,
+                  Three-volume novels are to go!
+
+                  Reflect to what it soon must lead,
+                  This rash reform which you've begun;
+                  How can the novelist succeed
+                  In packing tragedy and fun
+                  Within the space of Volume One?
+                  Already his returns are low,
+                  Soon he'll be utterly undone--
+                  Three-volume novels are to go!
+
+                  And then for us, who humbly plead
+                  For long romances deftly spun,
+                  Will not these stern barbarians heed
+                  Our concentrated malison?
+                  Alas, your literary Hun
+                  Nor sorrow nor remorse can know;
+                  He cries in anger, "Simpleton,
+                  Three-volume novels are to go!"
+
+                                _Envoi._
+
+                  Prince, writers' rights--forgive the pun--
+                  And readers' too, forbid the blow;
+                  Of triple pleasure there'll be none,
+                  Three-volume novels are to go!
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+Mrs. R. says she "quite understands the truth of the ancient proverb
+which says that 'the man who has a family has given sausages to
+fortune.'"
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                            LYRE AND LANCET.
+
+                         (_A Story in Scenes._)
+
+                    PART IV.--RUSHING TO CONCLUSIONS.
+
+
+SCENE IV.--_A First-Class Compartment._
+
+_Spurrell (to himself)._ Formidable old party opposite me in the furs!
+Nice-looking girl over in the corner; not a patch on my EMMA, though!
+Wonder why I catch 'em sampling me over their papers whenever I look up!
+Can't be anything wrong with my turn out. Why, of course, they heard TOM
+talk about my going down to Wyvern Court; think I'm a visitor there and
+no end of a nob! Well, what snobs some people are, to be sure!
+
+_Lady Cantire (to herself)._ So this is the young poet I made ALBINIA
+ask to meet me. I can't be mistaken, I distinctly heard his friend
+mention _Andromeda_. H'm, well, it's a comfort to find he's _clean!_
+Have I read his poetry or not? I know I _had_ the book, because I
+distinctly remember telling MAISIE she wasn't to read it--but--well,
+that's of no consequence. He looks clever and quite respectable--not in
+the least picturesque--which is fortunate. I was beginning to doubt
+whether it was quite prudent to bring MAISIE; but I needn't have worried
+myself.
+
+_Lady Maisie (to herself)._ Here, actually in the same carriage! Does he
+guess who _I_ am? Somehow----Well, he certainly _is_ different from what
+I expected. I thought he would show more signs of having thought and
+suffered; for he _must_ have suffered to write as he does. If Mamma knew
+I had read his poems; that I had actually written to beg him not to
+refuse Aunt ALBINIA'S invitation! He never wrote back. Of course I
+didn't put my address; but still, he could have found out from the Red
+Book if he'd cared. I'm rather glad now he _didn't_ care.
+
+_Spurr. (to himself)._ Old girl seems as if she meant to be sociable;
+better give her an opening. (_Aloud._) Hem! would you like the window
+down an inch or two?
+
+_Lady Cant._ Not on _my_ account, thank you.
+
+_Spurr. (to himself)._ Broke the ice, anyway. (_Aloud._) Oh, _I_ don't
+want it down, but some people are fond of fresh air.
+
+_Lady Cant. (with a dignified little shiver)._ With a temperature as
+glacial as it is in here! Surely not!
+
+_Spurr._ Well, it _is_ chilly; been raw all day. (_To himself._) She
+don't answer. I _haven't_ broken the ice.
+
+                                   [_He produces a memorandum book._
+
+_Lady Maisie (to herself)._ He hasn't said anything _very_ original yet.
+So _nice_ of him not to pose! Oh, he's got a note-book; he's going to
+compose a poem. How interesting!
+
+    [Illustration: "He's going to compose a poem. How interesting!"]
+
+_Spurr. (to himself)._ Yes, I'm all right if _Voluptuary_ wins the
+Lincolnshire Handicap; lucky to get on at the price I did. When will the
+weights come out for the City and Suburban? Let's see whether the Pink
+'Un has anything about it.
+
+                               [_He refers to the "Sporting Times."_
+
+_Lady Maisie (to herself)._ The inspiration's stopped--_what_ a pity!
+How odd of him to read the _Globe_! I thought he was a Democrat!
+
+_Lady Cant._ MAISIE, there's quite a clever little notice in _Society
+Snippets_ about the dance at SKYMPINGS last week. I'm sure I wonder how
+they pick up these things; it quite bears out what I was told; says the
+supper arrangements were "simply disgraceful; _no_ plovers' eggs, and
+not nearly enough champagne; and what there was, undrinkable!" So _like_
+poor dear Lady CHESEPARE; never _does_ do things like anybody else. I'm
+sure _I've_ given her hints enough!
+
+_Spurr. (to himself, with a suppressed grin)._ Wants to let me see _she_
+knows some swells. Now _ain't_ that paltry?
+
+_Lady Cant. (tendering the paper)._ Would you like to see it, MAISIE?
+Just this hit here; where my finger is.
+
+_Lady Maisie (to herself, flushing)._ I saw him smile. What _must_ he
+think of us, with his splendid scorn for rank? (_Aloud._) No, thank you,
+Mamma; such a wretched light to read by!
+
+_Spurr. (to himself)._ Chance for _me_ to cut in! (_Aloud._) Beastly
+light, isn't it? 'Pon my word, the company ought to provide us with a
+dog and string apiece when we get out!
+
+_Lady Cant. (bringing a pair of long-handled glasses to bear upon him)._
+I happen to hold shares in this line. May I ask _why_ you consider a
+provision of dogs and string at all the stations a necessary or
+desirable expenditure?
+
+_Spurr._ Oh--er--well, you know, I only meant, bring on _blindness_ and
+that. Harmless attempt at a joke, that's all.
+
+_Lady Cant._ I see. I scarcely expected that _you_ would condescend to
+such weakness. I--ah--think you are going down to stay at Wyvern for a
+few days, are you not?
+
+_Spurr (to himself)._ I was right. What TOM said _did_ fetch the old
+girl; no harm in humouring her a bit. (_Aloud._) Yes--oh yes,
+they--aw--wanted me to run down when I could.
+
+_Lady Cant._ I heard they were expecting you. You will find Wyvern a
+pleasant house--for a short visit.
+
+_Spurr (to himself). She_ heard! Oh, she wants to kid me she knows the
+CULVERINS. Rats! (_Aloud._) Shall I, though? I daresay.
+
+_Lady Cant._ Lady CULVERIN is a very sweet woman; a little limited,
+perhaps, not intellectual, or quite what one would call the _grande
+dame_; but perhaps _that_ could scarcely be expected.
+
+_Spurr. (vaguely)._ Oh, of course not--no. (_To himself._) If she
+bluffs, so can I! (_Aloud._) It's funny your turning out to be an
+acquaintance of Lady C.'s, though.
+
+_Lady Cant._ You think so? But I should hardly call myself an
+_acquaintance_.
+
+_Spurr. (to himself)._ Old cat's trying to back out of it now; she
+_shan't_, though! (_Aloud._) Oh, then I suppose you know Sir RUPERT
+best?
+
+_Lady Cant._ Yes, I certainly know Sir RUPERT better.
+
+_Spurr. (to himself)._ Oh, you do, do you? We'll see. (_Aloud._) Nice
+cheery old chap, Sir RUPERT, isn't he? I must tell him I travelled down
+in the same carriage with a particular friend of his. (_To himself._)
+That'll make her sit up!
+
+_Lady Cant._ Oh, then you and my brother RUPERT have met already?
+
+_Spurr. (aghast)._ Your brother! Sir RUPERT CULVERIN your----! Excuse
+me--if I'd only known, I--I do assure you I never should have dreamt of
+saying----!
+
+_Lady Cant. (graciously)._ You've said nothing whatever to distress
+yourself about. You couldn't possibly be expected to know who I was.
+Perhaps I had better tell you at once that I am Lady CANTIRE, and this
+is my daughter, Lady MAISIE MULL. (SPURRELL _returns_ Lady MAISIE'S
+_little bow in the deepest confusion._) We are going down to Wyvern too,
+so I hope we shall very soon become better acquainted.
+
+_Spurr. (to himself, overwhelmed)._ The deuce we shall! I _have_ got
+myself into a hole this time; I wish I could see my way well out of it!
+Why on earth couldn't I hold my confounded tongue? I _shall_ look an ass
+when I tell 'em.
+
+                 [_He sits staring at them in silent embarrassment._
+
+                SCENE V.--_A Second-Class Compartment._
+
+_Undershell (to himself)._ Singularly attractive face this girl has; so
+piquant and so refined! I can't help fancying she is studying me under
+her eyelashes. She has remarkably bright eyes. Can she be interested in
+me? does she expect me to talk to her? There are only she and I--but no,
+just now I would rather be alone with my thoughts. This MAISIE MULL whom
+I shall meet so soon; what is _she_ like, I wonder? I presume she is
+unmarried. If I may judge from her artless little letter, she is young
+and enthusiastic, and she is a passionate admirer of my verse; she is
+longing to meet me. I suppose some men's vanity would be flattered by a
+tribute like that. I think I must have none; for it leaves me strangely
+cold. I did not even reply; it struck me that it would be difficult to
+do so with any dignity, and she didn't tell me where to write to....
+After all, how do I know that this will not end--like everything
+else--in disillusion? Will not such crude girlish adoration pall upon me
+in time? If she were exceptionally lovely; or say, even as charming as
+this fair fellow-passenger of mine--why then, to be sure--but no,
+something warns me that that is not to be. I shall find her plain,
+sandy, freckled; she will render me ridiculous by her undiscriminating
+gush.... Yes, I feel my heart sink more and more at the prospect of this
+visit. Ah me!
+
+                                                [_He sighs heavily._
+
+_His Fellow Passenger (to herself)._ It's too silly to be sitting here
+like a pair of images, considering that----(_Aloud._) I hope you aren't
+feeling unwell?
+
+_Und._ Thank you, no, not unwell. I was merely thinking.
+
+_His Fellow P._ You don't seem very cheerful over it, I must say. I've
+no wish to be inquisitive, but perhaps you're feeling a little
+lowspirited about the place you're going to?
+
+_Und._ I--I must confess I am rather dreading the prospect. How
+wonderful that you should have guessed it!
+
+_His Fellow P._ Oh, I've been through it myself. I'm just the same when
+_I_ go down to a new place; feel a sort of sinking, you know, as if the
+people were sure to be disagreeable, and I should never get on with
+them.
+
+_Und. Exactly_ my own sensations! If I could only be sure of finding
+_one_ kindred spirit, one soul who would help and understand me. But I
+daren't let myself hope even for that!
+
+_His Fellow P._ Well, I wouldn't judge beforehand. The chances are
+there'll be _somebody_ you can take to.
+
+_Und. (to himself)._ What sympathy! What bright, cheerful common sense!
+(_Aloud._) Do you know, you encourage me more than you can possibly
+imagine!
+
+_His Fellow P. (retreating)._ Oh, if you are going to take my remarks
+like _that_, I shall be afraid to go on talking to you!
+
+_Und. (with pathos)._ Don't--_don't_ be afraid to talk to me! If you
+only knew the comfort you give! I have found life very sad, very
+solitary. And true sympathy is so rare, so refreshing. I--I fear such an
+appeal from a stranger may seem a little startling; it is true that
+hitherto we have only exchanged a very few sentences; and yet already I
+feel that we have something--much--in common. You can't be so cruel as
+to let all intimacy cease here--it is quite tantalising enough that it
+must end so soon. A very few more minutes, and this brief episode will
+be only a memory; I shall have left the little green oasis far behind
+me, and be facing the dreary desert once more--alone!
+
+_His Fellow P. (laughing)._ Well, of all the uncomplimentary things! As
+it happens, though, "the little green oasis"--as you're kind enough to
+call me--_won't_ be left behind; not if it's aware of it! I think I
+heard your friend mention Wyvern Court! Well, that's where _I_'m going.
+
+_Und. (excitedly)._ You--_you_ are going to Wyvern Court! Why, then, you
+must be----
+
+                                               [_He checks himself._
+
+_His Fellow P._ What were you going to say; _what_ must I be?
+
+_Und. (to himself)._ There is no doubt about it; bright, independent
+girl; gloves a trifle worn; travels second-class for economy; it must be
+Miss MULL herself; her letter mentioned Lady CULVERIN as her aunt. A
+poor relation, probably. She doesn't suspect that I am----I won't reveal
+myself just yet; better let it dawn upon her gradually. (_Aloud._) Why,
+I was only about to say, why then you must be going to the same house as
+I am. How extremely fortunate a coincidence!
+
+_His Fellow P._ We shall see. (_To herself._) What a funny little man;
+such a flowery way of talking for a footman. Oh, but I forgot; he said
+he _wasn't_ going to wear livery. Well, he _would_ look a sight in it!
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: PREVENTION BETTER THAN CURE.
+
+"CAN YOU LET ME HAVE A BULLET-PROOF COAT FOR MY LITTLE DOG? MY NEXT-DOOR
+NEIGHBOUR HAS THREATENED TO SHOOT HIM FOR BARKING!"]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+WHERE TO SEND A YOUNG HORSE TO BE WELL BROKEN IN FOR RIDING.--Evidently
+to the "Hackney Training Schools."
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: THE PERSONAL EQUATION.
+
+"YOU'RE GOING TO DRIVE MY LADY TO REGENT STREET, AREN'T YOU, DICKON?"
+
+"YES. IT'S HALL VERY WELL FOR _'ER LADYSHIP_ TO GO ABOUT IN A THING
+LIKE THIS! SHE HAIN'T KNOWN IN THE WEST END. _HI HAM!_"]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: "EVICTED TENANTS."
+
+LOCAL VETO BILL. "ARE WE TO HAVE NO 'COMPENSATION FOR DISTURBANCE'?"
+
+H-RC-RT. "YOU'LL SEE!--RE-INSTATEMENT!--NEXT SESSION!!"
+
+                                       [_Exeunt Bills, dejectedly._]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                           "EVICTED TENANTS."
+
+    ["It is impracticable to proceed in the present Session with
+    some of the great measures to which the Government is pledged,
+    such, for example, as that relating to the Church in Wales, the
+    Registration Bill, and the Local Veto Bill."--_Sir William
+    Harcourt._
+
+                    _Little Local Veto, loquitur:_--
+
+  Oh, exactly! Just what I expected! And after such volumes of talk!
+  My prospects you told me were brilliant, and here it all ends--in
+    a baulk!
+  O, won't I just work up Sir WILFRID, and won't I just wake Mister
+    CAINE?
+  But there, you can't trust _anybody_, these times, that's
+    exceedingly plain.
+  And _you_ too, my own bringer-up, to turn _me_ out of house and of
+    home!
+  Oho, you unnatural parent! And where shall we wanderers roam--
+  Poor Taffy, and young (Registration) Bill--look at him
+    limping!--and Me?
+  And the other ones tucked up inside, and especially that impudent
+    Three,
+  The Irish, the Scotch, and the London boys, whom you so favour and
+    pet,
+  Are laughing at us from the window. But, drat them, their turn may
+    come yet.
+  They may have to turn out, after all! BILLY BUDGET of course is
+    all right,
+  For you fought for your favourite che-ild, and, by Jingo, it _has_
+    been a fight!
+  But what have _I_ done to be rounded on? Call yourself boss of the
+    place?
+  Why, the BARTLEYS, and BOWLESES, and BOLTONS and BYRNES simply
+    laugh in your face!
+  What use to be landlord at all if you can't choose your tenants?
+    Oh my!
+  That odious Bung--one more B!--has the laugh of me still! I could
+    cry--
+  But I _won't_. I will kick! I'm not meek, like those other two
+    poor little BILLS;
+  Look, how limp and dejected they go, though against their poor
+    dear little wills!
+  But _I_ am not going to be put upon. I'll make it awkward all round.
+  You won't treat me so any more; you won't "chuck" me again, I'll
+    be bound.
+  And what Compensation have I, for Disturbance? Eh! what's that you
+    say?
+  "All right?"--"Reinstatement--next year?"--"Pass away, my dears,
+    please, pass away?"--
+  Ah! it's all very fine to look pleasant and promise fair
+    things--at the door;
+  But that's regular constable blarney, old boy, and _you've done it
+    before_!
+  Meanwhile we're Evicted, worse luck! like the poor Irish Tenants
+    whose case
+  Those busy B's muster to fight over. Ah! you put on a bold face,
+  But _we_ ain't the only Pill Garlics! No; some of 'em still left
+    inside
+  Will yet join us, out in the cold, as will p'raps be a pill to
+    their pride!
+
+                                               [_Exit with other Bills._
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+THE COLONEL AND THE QUIVER.--Our own Colonel SAUNDERSON, M.P., was never
+better at his best than when, in the debate last Thursday night, he
+said, "If the Bill passes, a quiver of horror will run through every
+tenant, &c., &c." Of course the gallant Colonel meant "arrow" or "dart,"
+not "quiver." A dart or an arrow will run through a person, piercing him
+in front, and reappearing at back. But "quiver" doesn't do this sort of
+thing. An arrow so transfixing a body may make it quiver--but this is
+another matter. More power to the quivering elbow of the gallant
+Colonel!
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                          LA FEMME DE CLAUDE.
+
+                When lovely woman stoops to folly,
+                  You'll find, according to DUMAS,
+                One certain cure for melancholy:--
+                              _Tue-la!_
+
+                French law, that damns you in the letter,
+                  In spirit _change tout cela_;
+                They always manage matters better
+                              _Là-bas._
+
+                These are the lines to play the man on;
+                  Take her defenceless, cry "_Holà!_"
+                And trotting out the nimble cannon,
+                              _Tue-la!_
+
+                Or take for choice the common cartridge;
+                  Pop goes _le p'tit fusil, comme ça_!
+                You bag her neatly like a partridge
+                              _Là-bas._
+
+                "_L'Homme-Femme_" may haunt the bosom British;
+                  _Là France_ goes trolling "_Ça ira!_"
+                And waives the question with a skittish
+                              "_Tue-la!_"
+
+                No mutual recriminations,
+                  No counterplea, _et cetera_;
+                One solves too simply these equations
+                              _Là-bas._
+
+                So runs the play. We saw you foot it
+                  Featly therein, _la belle Sara!_
+                You were all there, or, so to put it,
+                              _Toute là._
+
+                And now you go, and, if you'll let us,
+                  Reluctantly we say "Ta-ta!"
+                Come back again, and don't forget us
+                              _Là-bas._
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+THE NEW MOTTO (_by our own Irishman_).--England expects every man this
+day to pay his own Death Duty.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: A ROYAL PROGRESS.
+
+SCENE--_Crossing in Rotten Row during the height of the Season. Two
+Policemen stopping Riders. Little Girl, wheeling p'ram., with Baby
+inside, about to cross._
+
+_Mary Hanne._ "LOR', IT'S JUS' AS IF WE WOS THE QUEEN!"]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                            AIRS RESUMPTIVE.
+
+                        I.--THE GARDEN OF SLOTH.
+
+      [Illustration: A]t the Court of the Earl, by the meeting of ways,
+      Man planted a garden, a garden that pays;
+      In the thick of the crowd, where they tread on your corn,
+      It is there that a singular plant has been born.
+      Hot days of desire and cool nights of disgust,
+      They are mine when its bud keeps refusing to bust.
+      O, Wheel of my weal! I am waiting forlorn,
+      I am waiting, I say, with a crush on my corn.
+
+      In the "Garden of London" where night-lights are spread,
+      I watch Living Pictures, as old as the dead;
+      While a Tow-er Gigantic stands gruesome and glum,
+      By the shadow of Shows that are certain to come.
+      Will _they_ shoot as _I_ shoot on sixpenny slides?
+      Will _they_ want as _I_ want rotatory rides?
+      O, plant of a plant! I would barter my skin
+      For the chance of Ixion his regular spin!
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                           By Our Schoolboy.
+
+_Q._ ([Greek: a]) Explain the allusion "Quorum Pars." ([Greek: b]) Give
+reference.
+
+_R._ "Quorum" is a bench of magistrates who must be all Fathers of
+Families, or Pa's. Hence the expression (which is a kind of Latin pun)
+"Quorum Pars." ([Greek: b]) The references are numerous, and all highly
+respectable.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                           FOR ARMS OR ALMS?
+
+An advertisement appears in a recent number of the _Athenæum_, headed
+"Devon Volunteer Commemoration," in which "Drawings are invited for a
+memorial of the fact that the Volunteer Movement of 1852 originated in
+Devonshire." According to the regulations, "Drawings must be accompanied
+by tenders for carrying out the work." Moreover, "the total cost,
+including all charges for designing, carrying out, superintending, and
+erecting the work, and surrounding the same with a suitable iron
+railing, must not exceed £200." Now this is really a very fair sum, and
+to assist one of our readers to win the prize, we allot the money in
+appropriate items. Of course we can only give a rough estimate, but it
+should be near enough to suit its purpose.
+
+          COST OF THE DEVON VOLUNTEER COMMEMORATION MEMORIAL.
+
+        Design (being a sovereign more than the
+          sum offered for a second prize)                6 0 0
+        Stone                                           10 0 0
+        Engraving inscription                           30 0 0
+        Gilding the names of the Committee, &c.,
+          engaged in the work                           50 0 0
+        Designer's charge for carrying out,
+          superintending and erecting work               4 0 0
+        Balance (to be used for surrounding
+          memorial "with a suitable iron railing")     100 0 0
+                                                      -------
+                                                      £200 0 0
+
+And now, having shown how the thing may be done, we hope that
+the best man may win. It is pleasant to find Art so greatly
+appreciated in Devonshire--a county which apparently is as rich and
+as generous as its own cream!
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+POST PRANDIAL.--If the geraniums and roses in my LOUISA'S garden could
+speak, what celebrated dinner-giver would they name?--LOO! CULL US!
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                        FAREWELL TO McGLADSTONE.
+
+                   (_From the Heart of Midlothian._)
+
+    ["I must here add, in explicit terms, the few decisive words to
+    which, after all that has happened, I feel a natural reluctance
+    to give utterance. It is not my intention, at the age I have now
+    reached, to ask re-election (for Midlothian) when the present
+    Parliament shall be dissolved."--_Mr. Gladstone's Farewell
+    Letter to Midlothian._]
+
+            [Illustration: AIR--"_Farewell to Mackenzie._"]
+
+      Farewell to MCGLADSTONE, great Chief of the North!
+      Midlothian remembers when first setting forth,
+      The Chieftain she's mourning his course here began,
+      Launching forth on wild billows his bark like a man,
+      And stirring all hearts with his eloquent voice.--
+      Farewell to MCGLADSTONE, the Chief of our choice!
+
+      O swift was his galley, and hardy his crew,
+      Her Captain was skilful, her mariners true.
+      In danger undaunted, unwearied by toil,
+      Though the storms might arise, and the billows might boil,
+      In the wind and the warfare _he_ seemed to rejoice.--
+      Farewell to MCGLADSTONE, the Chief of our choice!
+
+      Blow bland on his parting, thou sweet southland gale!
+      Like the sighs of his sailors breathe soft on his sail;
+      Be prolong'd as regret that his vassals must know,
+      Be fair as their faith, and sincere as their woe:
+      Be so soft, and so fair, and so friendly of voice,
+      Wafting homeward MCGLADSTONE, the Chief of our choice!
+
+      He was pilot experienced, and trusty, and wise,
+      To measure the seas, and to study the skies;
+      He would hoist all her canvas on Victory's tack,
+      Kind Heaven crowd it fuller when wafting him back
+      To his home in far Hawarden, where hearts will rejoice
+      To welcome MCGLADSTONE, the Chief of our choice.
+
+      _Midlothian no more!_ 'Tis a sorrowful cry,
+      And we gaze on the waves, and we glance at the sky;
+      We shall long, when clouds darken and wild waves o'erwhelm,
+      For his voice through the gale, for his hand on the helm.
+      Now we shout through the shadows, with tears in our voice:
+      Farewell to MCGLADSTONE, great Chief of our choice!
+
+      _Midlothian no more!_ Faith, we fancy we hear
+      The cry of the Chieftain who never knew fear,
+      Stout still through its sadness, "Keep up the good fight!
+      Let Midlothian, let Scotland, still stand for the Right!"
+      The last burden brave of the valorous voice
+      Of dauntless MCGLADSTONE, great Chief of our choice!
+
+      _Midlothian no more!_ In despite, Chief, of all,
+      The Heart of Midlothian responds to your call.
+      Its echoes shall live, though no longer your form
+      Shall steer us to sunshine, or cheer us in storm.
+      Then farewell to the presence, but not to the voice
+      Of "Auld WULLIE" GLADSTONE, great Chief of our choice!
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                       THE COPPERATION AT WINSER.
+
+Oh, didn't the grand old Copperation have a grand treat last week at
+Winser! Her grashus Majesty the QUEEN asked 'em all down to her butiful
+Pallace to hear the sollem Recorder read to her their joyful feelings at
+the birth of her dear little Great Grand Son! And then, to the great joy
+of all on 'em, Her MAJESTY read such a delishus arnser as amost brort
+tears to the eyes of some of the young uns of the Party, and sent 'em
+away to the butiful Lunshon Room to refresh exhorsted natur with a
+delicate Lunch, and sum exkisit Madeary, such as King GEORGE THE FOURTH
+is said to have saved xpressly for simmilar glorius ocasions.
+
+Don't let it be supposed as I wants peeple to beleeve as I was there;
+but I had the hole account given by one as was, and I ain't ixagerated
+it not a bit.
+
+There is a sertain Body of gents in London as ewidently wonts to play
+fust fiddel in the guvernment of our grand old City, but I havent heard
+of their being asked down to Winser Carsel to congratulate her Most
+Grayshus MAGESTY on the late appy ewent. Should they be so I should most
+suttenly make a pint of seeing 'em all start, if it were only out of
+curiosity to see what sort of State Mazerine Gownds they would all wear!
+
+I had allmost forgot to menshun that the two Sherryffs, and the Chairman
+of the big Tower Bridge, was all benighted, and came out of the presents
+Chamber smiling like ancient Cherubs. I am told as how as the
+Copperation was so werry much delited with their royal wisit to royal
+Winser, that they has been and passed a werry similer wote of thanks to
+the Dook and Dutchess of YORK, and arsked them to receeve 'em jest the
+same as the QUEEN did, but they is both werry sorry to say, that their
+Pallis not being near so big as Her MAJESTY'S, they hopes as only a
+small Deppytation of Aldermen and C. C.'s will attend.
+
+Oh won't there be jest a rush for places, as every one on 'em is
+naterally anxious to show his loyelty on so hinteresting an ocasion, tho
+of course they carnt expec to have heverything exacly the same as they
+had at Royel Winser.
+
+                                                             ROBERT.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                              OPERA NOTES.
+
+_Tuesday, July 17._--"The opera season will terminate July 30." To-night
+VERDI'S opera of _Aïda_, "with the dotlets on the _i_." First appearance
+of Madame ADINI, a spacious _prima donna_ who amply fills the part.
+GIULIA RAVOGLI an excellent _Amneris_. Opera apparently not particularly
+attractive, or more powerful attractions elsewhere.
+
+_Saturday, 21._--_Pagliacci_ followed by new opera entitled _The Lady of
+Longford_, though it would have been more polite had the Pagliacci
+allowed the Lady to precede them. But Pagliacci will be Pagliacci. _The
+Lady_'s Librettists are Sir DRURIOLANUS POETICUS and Mr. F. E.
+WEATHERLY. The music is by EMIL BACH. The Gentlemen of Longford are
+represented by Messrs. ALVAREZ and EDOUARD DE RESZKE, while _the_ Lady,
+the big lady, is EMMA EAMES--"quite the lady"--and the little lady is
+EVELYN HUGHES. This new Lady turns out to be our old friend the one-act
+drama by TOM TAYLOR entitled _A Sheep in Wolf's Clothing_, set to music,
+the comic characters being omitted, and the end made tragic instead of
+happy. The music does not entitle BACH to take a front seat. EMMA EAMES
+excellent; FANNY HUGHES funny; ALVAREZ good; JEAN DE RESZKE first-rate
+all-round-head Colonel, but more like a Cathedral than a Kirk. Composer
+and Librettists complimented; MANCINELLI conducted; house full. General
+satisfaction.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+HARD CASE OF "EVICTED TENANTS" IN DRURY LANE.--At a general assembly of
+the Theatre Royal Drury Lane Company of Proprietors last Wednesday, Mr.
+CHITTY is reported to have observed that "after putting £300,000 into
+the building without receiving a farthing in return, they were now to
+have their money confiscated by the law, but in such circumstances as
+one would not have expected from a nobleman in the Duke of BEDFORD'S
+position." Ahem! Why did not Sir DRURIOLANUS arise and, remembering the
+_Barber of Seville_, sing "CHITTY, CHITTY, _piano! piano!_" But
+naturally the Drury Laneites must feel a bit hurt.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                          THE "GRAND NATIONAL"
+                                 TRUST.
+
+A Meeting has recently taken place at Grosvenor House to establish a
+National Trust, the idea being to preserve places of historic interest
+and natural beauty. Announced at the meeting that already a beautiful
+cliff had been promised by a lady. We understand the following promises
+have also been received:--
+
+_The Duke of W-stm-nst-r._--A very handsome ground-rent. Intended to
+support and sustain beautiful cliffs, &c.
+
+_The Duke of D-v-nsh-re._--Ch-tsw-rth, which, owing to recent
+legislation, he can no longer afford to keep up. Intends to take a small
+cottage, it is believed, at some inexpensive town on the East Coast.
+Several Distressed Dukes have also promised, on their death, to leave
+their estates to the Trust.
+
+_A Lover of Ozone._--A particularly bracing breeze. To be dedicated to
+the public for ever.
+
+_The London County Council._--The Shaftesbury Fountain. The L. C. C., we
+understand, welcomes the prospect of handing over to the Trust the
+responsibility attaching to this insoluble problem.
+
+_A Hertfordshire Gentleman._--A thoroughly reliable right of way.
+
+_Mr. Th-m-s B-ch-m._--A unique collection of signboards _in situ_. These
+are placed in the midst of the most lovely natural scenery, and in
+themselves will very soon, it is hoped, be of _historic_ interest.
+
+_Sir Fr-d-r-ck P-ll-ck_ will arrange in every case to supply a good
+title.
+
+_Mr. Punch_ heartily commends so patriotic a scheme to his readers. Any
+beautiful cliffs, ground-rents, rights of way, &c., sent to him at 85,
+Fleet Street will immediately be forwarded to the proper quarter.
+N.B.--It is just possible an exception to this rule might be made in the
+case of ground-rents.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                            HOW IT IS DONE.
+
+                           (_An Art-Recipe._)
+
+            [Illustration: QUID EST PICTURA?--VERITAS FALSA.
+
+            (Epictetus.)]
+
+                  Take a lot of black triangles,
+                    Some amorphous blobs of red;
+                  Just a sprinkle of queer spangles,
+                    An ill-drawn Medusa head;
+                  Some red locks in Gorgon tangles,
+                    And a scarlet sunshade, spread:
+                  Take a "_portière_" quaint and spotty,
+                    Take a turn-up nose or two;
+                  The loose lips of one "gone dotty,"
+                    A cheese-cutter chin, askew;
+                  Pose like that of front-row "TOTTIE,"
+                    Hat as worn by "COSTER LOO";
+                  Take an hour-glass waist, in section,
+                    Shoulders hunched up camel-wise;
+                  Give a look of introspection
+                    (Or a squint) to two black eyes;
+                  Or a glance of quaint dejection,
+                    Or a glare of wild surprise;
+                  Slab and slop them all together
+                    With a background of sheer sludge;
+                  (Like a slum in foggy weather),
+                    And this blend of scrawl and smudge
+                  Vend as ART--in highest feather!--
+                  Dupes in praise will blare and blether.
+                    Honest _Burchells_ will cry--"FUDGE!!!"
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                         A Demi-French Octave.
+
+                   (_Picked up in a Dressing-room._)
+
+                My razor, you're a true  _raseur_,
+                  That is, you bore me badly!
+                You're blunt, you gash--_de tout mon coeur_
+                  I _bless_ you wildly, madly!
+                _Vraiment, c'est vous qu' j'ai en horreur_
+                  Each morn on rising sadly;
+                Were't not that shaving's _de rigueur_,
+                  In turn I'd cut _you_ gladly!
+
+                                 * * *
+
+IN VIEW OF HOLIDAYS. A HINT.--Of course if you're on pedestrian tours
+bent--if you're a bicyclist you'll be still more bent--you cannot do
+better than, as a pedestrian, get WALKER'S Maps. If you are going to
+sail, or by steam, you are again referred to----"WALKER, London." There
+is a good idea in these Maps which might be still further developed, and
+that is not only to show the route and the manner of making your
+journey, but by arrangement with the principal Steam-boat and Railway
+Companies some sort of "itinerary" might be added to the Map, with
+information as to the "means whereby," which to the toiler in search of
+a brief holiday "by rail, by river, or by sea," and perhaps by all
+three, would be most useful were it available as an almost
+"instantaneous process" of reference.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+                                BISLEY.
+
+                          Pelt or drizzly,
+                          Weather--_Bisley_!
+
+                                 * * *
+
+FINANCIAL PROBLEM (_the effect of reading the Budget Debates_).--Why is
+the Income-Tax so sharply felt? Because, disguise it as you may, it's a
+case of tin-tax!
+
+                                 * * *
+
+LONDON KNIGHT BY KNIGHT.--The SOLICITOR-GENERAL Knighted last Wednesday
+at Windsor. Will BOB (the only name by which his many friends know him)
+henceforth be known as "the Queen's Shilling"?
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                           RANELAGH IN RAIN.
+
+            How sweet this road is, fringed by hedgerow elm,
+              Where peeps in May the hawthorn's snowy bud,
+            A fairy place that seems _Titania's_ realm!
+                         By Jove, what mud!
+
+            How sweet this turf, as soft as finest moss!
+              Such "_gazon anglais_" we alone can get.
+            Oh hang it, no! I cannot walk across,
+                         It's soaking wet!
+
+            How sweet that lake, where gentle eddies play!
+              But all around seems lake, through rainfall dim.
+            Why want a pond, when on dry (!) land to-day
+                         We almost swim?
+
+            How sweet--to get a Hansom home again,
+              And leave this aguish, rheumatic damp!
+            I do not love thee, Ranelagh, in rain,
+                         Beneath a gamp.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                        WHAT'S IN A NAME INDEED?
+
+              "Edward, Albert, Christian, George,
+                Andrew, Patrick, David,
+              Drink life's pleasures with free gorge!
+                From its pains be savèd!"
+              So said _Punch_ at the White Lodge,
+                His old optics glistening,
+              Sure such names ill-luck should dodge;
+                Sure such names no babe e'er bore,
+                Patron Saints! You've all the four
+              To bless the Royal Christening!
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+A COMPANY THAT OUGHT TO "FLOAT."--"The Cork Company."
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                         ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+                 EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, July 16._--The Blameless B. is translated
+into the Breathless BARTLEY. Of eleven pages of Amendments to Budget
+Bill standing for consideration when House met to-day, not less than
+three contributed by this particular B. Embodied readjusted scale of
+graduated taxation. Only objections to it presently stated by SQUIRE OF
+MALWOOD: (1) It would necessitate total reconstruction of Bill (2)
+resulting in loss of £643,000; (3) whole question had been thoroughly
+threshed out in Committee. To raise it again at eleventh hour seemed too
+much to ask even in connection with Budget Bill.
+
+Nevertheless BARTLEY, not yet breathless, moved his multitudinous
+Amendment. Resumed his seat with consciousness of man who had done his
+duty. The SQUIRE would get up to answer him; debate would follow; at
+least two hours would be pleasantly occupied. Instead of SQUIRE,
+ATTORNEY-GENERAL rose. "Well," said BLAMELESS, throwing himself into
+attitude of attention, "let's hear what he has to say."
+
+Turned out to be exceedingly little. "Government scale has been attacked
+and defended many times," said ATTORNEY-GENERAL. "I do not think it
+necessary to defend it again; but," here he leaned on the table with
+engaging look at the now BREATHLESS BARTLEY, "the hon. gentleman can
+take a division if he thinks fit."
+
+BARTLEY sat and audibly gasped. JOKIM gallantly protested against this
+treatment of his hon. friend; threatened to move adjournment of debate.
+PRINCE ARTHUR sent for; arrived almost as breathless as BARTLEY; thunder
+boomed, lightning flashed round head of ATTORNEY-GENERAL, who is always
+finding himself astonished. "The hon. and learned gentleman," said
+PRINCE ARTHUR, with delightful assumption of anger, "has abused the
+situation. The Opposition have no means of compelling him to talk sense,
+but talk he must."
+
+SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, who had fled before prospect of long speech from
+BARTLEY, hastily brought back. Don't know where incident would have
+ended had it not been for KENYON-SLANEY. Finding opening he slipped in.
+Threw himself into easy oratorical attitude; proposed to consider
+principle of graduation adopted in Bill. Would do so under three heads:
+injustice to the poor, injustice to the middle-class, injustice to the
+rich.
+
+This too much even for Opposition. With groans of despair they rushed
+into Division Lobby; BARTLEY'S scheme negatived by majority of 62.
+
+_Business done._--Budget Bill passed Report stage.
+
+_Wednesday._--ST. JOHN BRODRICK sitting on front Opposition Bench
+through Committee of Supply on Army Estimates this afternoon, invested
+neighbourhood with unwonted air of fashion. Not that there is, as a
+rule, any lack of style on part of Leaders of Opposition regarded as a
+body. Only something, _je ne sais quoi_, about BRODRICK that suggested
+profoundest depths of POOLE. Couldn't help complimenting him on his turn
+out.
+
+"Evidently you spare no expense," I said; "though why even a millionaire
+should wear an overcoat a day like this seems wicked waste of property.
+Hope you are not growing desperate in anticipation of Death Duties;
+spending your money recklessly so that HARCOURT may be disappointed
+when, for taxing purposes, he comes to aggregate your property?"
+
+                [Illustration: "The Young Wales Party."]
+
+"My dear boy," said BRODRICK, giving the overcoat a dexterous lift by
+the lappels that added fresh grace to its fit at the back of the neck,
+"you're out of it altogether. This is the thirteen-and-sixpenny coat
+supplied to Tommy Atkins in which,--following the advice of Dr. JOHNSON,
+wasn't it?--I, as I told the House the other day, took a walk down Bond
+Street. The surtout underneath, which I will fully display when the
+House gets a little fuller, cost seventeen-and-six net. You will observe
+it is so made that you can button it across and so save a waistcoat. If
+you must have a waistcoat, we can do it at eight-and-ninepence. As for
+trousers, these cost me thirteen shillings." (Here he stretched out and
+fondly regarded a manly leg.) "If I had taken a couple of pair, cut at
+the same time you know, I could have had the two for 25_s._ I see your
+eyes fixed on the boots. As you say, the shape of the foot may have
+something to do with it. But apart from that, the article is equal to
+what you pay thirty-five shillings for in Regent Street or Piccadilly.
+Eleven-and-ninepence was the figure. Misfits, very popular with privates
+newly joined, knock off the odd ninepence. Of course I don't wear this
+suit every day. Can't afford that; put 'em on whenever House in
+Committee on Army Supply or debate going forward on Army matters. It
+encourages CAWMELL--BANNERMAN, you know; helps WOODALL in getting his
+clothing vote; and, I believe, is rather liked by Tommy Atkins."
+
+_Business done._--SQUIRE OF MALWOOD announces programme for remainder of
+Session. A mere nothing. Only, as PRINCE ARTHUR says, in view of number
+of Bills and their contentious character, more like what we are
+accustomed to at beginning of Session, than to have dumped down in what
+should be its last month.
+
+_Thursday._--"JOSEPH," said the Member for SARK, dropping into one of
+his tiresome didactic moods, "would do well in any circumstances.
+Whether in Upper Egypt or Lower, he was sure to come to the top of the
+well, however securely his brethren might have packed him in its lowest
+depths. But, regarding him just now as he criticised the SQUIRE'S
+arrangements for the Session, I could not help thinking what a loss the
+auction-room has only partially survived by his turn into the field of
+politics. If in early life, or even middle age, he had only taken to the
+rostrum, the shade of the much over-rated ROBINS would have been dimmed
+in glory. Observe how well he looks the part. See with what unconscious
+effect he produces a stumpy piece of lead pencil, and looks round for
+bids. Listen to the clear sharp notes of his voice. 'What shall we say,
+gentlemen, for the Equalisation of Rates Bill? How many days will you
+give for it? Name your own time, gentlemen. There is no reserve. Shall
+we say six days? Does the tall, somewhat stout gentleman with a white
+waistcoat, on the Treasury Bench, shake his head? Very well, we will say
+four days. Going at four days;' and the pencil, scratching out six,
+substitutes four. This may seem very easy when it's done; but it's art,
+TOBY, even genius. If you think it's easy for a man discussing State
+business, suddenly but completely to invest the high court of Parliament
+with the tone and atmosphere of an auction-room, just reckon up how many
+other men of first rank in public life could do it. Not to go further
+afield, could PRINCE ARTHUR manage it, even after a week's training?
+Very well; then don't minimise a successful effort because, thanks to
+the commanding influence of native talent, its accomplishment seems easy
+to a particular person."
+
+_Business done._--HICKS-BEACH, complaining that Ministers have dropped a
+large number of Bills for lack of time to pass them, and asserting that
+the time remaining at their disposal for passing the poor balance is too
+short, reduces it by three hours, in order that he and his friends may
+lament the fact.
+
+_Friday._--House heard with keen satisfaction that SZLUMPER is around
+again. Not having seen in the newspapers any telegrams from him lately,
+there was vague idea that he had succumbed to his exertions on occasion
+of the happy event at White Lodge. Perhaps he was a little fatigued, for
+SZLUMPER, in addition to being Mayor of Richmond, is almost human. No
+man born of woman could with impunity fire off such a succession of
+telegrams as on that memorable day SZLUMPER dealt out to his Sovereign,
+the Heir Apparent to the Throne, the Crowned Heads of Europe, and his
+ducal neighbours at the White Lodge. But on Royal Christening day
+SZLUMPER was around again, with a little SZLUMPER carrying a bouquet of
+flowers to be presented to the QUEEN, whilst SZLUMPER _père_, plumped on
+his knees, welcomed his Sovereign within the gateway of ancient
+Richmond.
+
+"_Ah, ce_ SZLUMPER!" said SARK, "he delights me more and more. He
+represents, if you think of it, the essence of our English social life.
+He is part of the foundation of the British Constitution, which
+everyone, especially those regarding it from a distance, regards as the
+perfection of good government."
+
+_Business done._--A dull night speechmaking on Irish Evicted Tenants
+Bill.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                      OXFORD AND YALE.--(JULY 16.)
+
+        A very good fight! Come again to us, Yale!
+        We know a true Yank knows not how to spell "fail."
+        HICKOK and SHELDON can throw and can jump!
+        And e'en in the racing you made our lads pump
+        Come again, Yale, come again, and again;
+        Victors or vanquished such visits aren't vain.
+        One of these days you will probably nick us.
+        We don't crow when we lick; we won't cry when you lick us!
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+Rise, Sir!
+
+    "We are informed that the QUEEN has been pleased to confer the
+    honour of a Baronetcy on Dr. JOHN WILLIAMS, of Brook Street. Dr.
+    WILLIAMS is the Physician who attended the Duchess of
+    YORK."--_Daily Paper, July 16._
+
+We congratulate Sir JOHN, who is now a Sur-geon in every sense of the
+word.
+
+
+
+
+                           Transcriber Notes:
+
+Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_.
+
+Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS.
+
+Throughout the document, the oe ligature was replaced with "oe".
+
+Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of the
+speakers. Those words were retained as-is.
+
+The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up
+paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate.
+
+Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected
+unless otherwise noted.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+107, July 28th 1894, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40509 ***