diff options
Diffstat (limited to '40338-8.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 40338-8.txt | 4784 |
1 files changed, 0 insertions, 4784 deletions
diff --git a/40338-8.txt b/40338-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index ad1e967..0000000 --- a/40338-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4784 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Further Adventures of Mr. Verdant -Green, an Oxford Under-Graduate, by Cuthbert Bede - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Further Adventures of Mr. Verdant Green, an Oxford Under-Graduate - Being a Continuation of 'The Adventures of Mr. Verdant - Green, an Oxford Under-Graduate' - -Author: Cuthbert Bede - -Release Date: July 26, 2012 [EBook #40338] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FURTHER ADVENTURES OF VERDANT GREEN *** - - - - -Produced by Annie R. McGuire. This book was produced from -scanned images of public domain material from the Internet -Archive. - - - - - - - - - -[Illustration: Book Cover] - - - - -THE FURTHER ADVENTURES -OF -MR. VERDANT GREEN - - - - -FRONTISPIECE. -(See page 30.) - -[Illustration: CUTHBERT BEDE, INVT. KT. DELT. E. EVANS, SC] - -MR. VERDANT GREEN FURNISHES THE SUBJECT FOR A STRIKING -FRONTISPIECE. - - - - -THE FURTHER ADVENTURES -OF -MR. VERDANT GREEN, -An Oxford Under-Graduate. - - -BEING A CONTINUATION OF "THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, AN OXFORD -FRESHMAN." - - -BY CUTHBERT BEDE, B.A. - - -With numerous Illustrations, -DESIGNED AND DRAWN ON THE WOOD BY THE AUTHOR. - - - "A COLLEGE JOKE TO CURE THE DUMPS." - SWIFT. - - -SECOND EDITION. - - -H. INGRAM & CO. -MILFORD HOUSE, MILFORD LANE, STRAND, LONDON; -AND BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. -1854. - - - - -CONTENTS. - - - PAGE - CHAPTER I. Mr. Verdant Green recommences his existence as - an Oxford Undergraduate 1 - CHAPTER II. Mr. Verdant Green does as he has been done by 5 - CHAPTER III. Mr. Verdant Green endeavours to keep his Spirits - up by pouring Spirits down 14 - CHAPTER IV. Mr. Verdant Green discovers the difference between - Town and Gown 26 - CHAPTER V. Mr. Verdant Green is favoured with Mr. Bouncer's - Opinions regarding an Under-graduate's - Epistolary Communications to his Maternal - Relative 39 - CHAPTER VI. Mr. Verdant Green feathers his oars with skill - and dexterity 50 - CHAPTER VII. Mr. Verdant Green partakes of a Dove-tart and - a Spread-eagle 59 - CHAPTER VIII. Mr. Verdant Green spends a Merry Christmas and - a Happy New Year 68 - CHAPTER IX. Mr. Verdant Green makes his first appearance on - any Boards 75 - CHAPTER X. Mr. Verdant Green enjoys a real Cigar 87 - CHAPTER XI. Mr. Verdant Green gets through his Smalls 95 - CHAPTER XII. Mr. Verdant Green and his Friends enjoy the - Commemoration 104 - - - - -PART II. - - - - -CHAPTER I. - -MR. VERDANT GREEN RECOMMENCES HIS EXISTENCE AS AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. - - -The intelligent reader--which epithet I take to be a synonym for every -one who has perused the first part of the Adventures of Mr. Verdant -Green,--will remember the statement, that the hero of the narrative "had -gained so much experience during his Freshman's term, that, when the -pleasures of the Long Vacation were at an end, and he had returned to -Brazenface with his firm and fast friend Charles Larkyns, he felt -himself entitled to assume a patronising air to the Freshmen, who then -entered, and even sought to impose upon their credulity in ways which -his own personal experience suggested." And the intelligent reader will -further call to mind the fact that the first part of these memoirs -concluded with the words--"it was clear that Mr. Verdant Green had made -his farewell bow as an Oxford Freshman." - -But, although Mr. Verdant Green had of necessity ceased to be "a -Freshman" as soon as he had entered upon his second term of -residence,--the name being given to students in their first term -only,--yet this necessity, which, as we all know, _non habet leges_, -will occasionally prove its rule by an exception; and if Mr. Verdant -Green was no longer a Freshman in name, he still continued to be one by -nature. And the intelligent reader will perceive when he comes to study -these veracious memoirs, that, although their hero will no longer -display those peculiarly virulent symptoms of freshness, which drew -towards him so much friendly sympathy during the earlier part of his -University career, yet that he will still, by his innocent simplicity -and credulity, occasionally evidence the truth of the Horatian maxim,-- - - "Quo semel est imbuta recens, servabit odorem - Testa diu;"[1] - -which, when _Smart_-ly translated, means, "A cask will long preserve the -flavour, with which, when new, it was once impregnated;" and which, when -rendered in the Saxon vulgate, signifieth, "What is bred in the bone will -come out in the flesh." - -It would, indeed, take more than a Freshman's term,--a two months' -residence in Oxford,--to remove the simple gaucheries of the country -Squire's hobbodehoy, and convert the girlish youth, the pupil of that -Nestor of Spinsters, Miss Virginia Verdant, into the MAN whose school -was the University, whose Alma Mater was Oxonia herself. We do not cut -our wise teeth in a day; some people, indeed, are so unfortunate as -never to cut them at all; at the best, two months is but a brief space -in which to get through this sapient teething operation, a short time in -which to graft our cutting on the tree of Wisdom, more especially when -the tender plant happens to be a Verdant Green. The golden age is past -when the full-formed goddess of Wisdom sprang from the brain of Jove -complete in all her parts. If our Vulcans now-a-days were to trepan the -heads of our Jupiters, they would find nothing in them! In these -degenerate times it will take more than one splitting headache to -produce _our_ wisdom. - -So it was with our hero. The splitting headache, for example, which had -wound up the pleasures of Mr. Small's "quiet party," had taught him that -the good things of this life were not given to be abused, and that he -could not exceed the bounds of temperance and moderation without being -made to pay the penalty of the trespass. It had taught him that kind of -wisdom which even "makes fools wise;" for it had taught him Experience. -And yet, it was but a portion of that lesson of Experience which it is -sometimes so hard to learn, but which, when once got by heart, is like -the catechism of our early days,--it is never forgotten,--it directs us, -it warns us, it advises us; it not only adorns the tale of our life, but -it points the moral which may bring that tale to a happy and peaceful -end. - -Experience! Experience! What will it not do? It is a staff which will -help us on when we are jostled by the designing crowds of our Vanity -Fair. It is a telescope that will reveal to us the dark spots on what -seemed to be a fair face. It is a finger-post to show us whither the -crooked paths of worldly ways will lead us. It is a scar that tells of -the wound which the soldier has received in the battle of life. It is a -lighthouse that warns us off those hidden rocks and quicksands where the -wrecks of long past joys that once smiled so fairly, and were loved so -dearly, now lie buried in all their ghastliness, stripped of grace and -beauty, things to shudder at and dread. Experience! Why, even Alma -Mater's doctors prescribe it to be taken in the largest quantities! -"Experientia--_dose it_!" they say: and very largely some of us have to -pay for the dose. But the dose does us good; and (for it is an -allopathic remedy), the greater the dose, the greater is the benefit to -be derived. - -The two months' allopathic dose of Experience, which had been -administered to Mr. Verdant Green, chiefly through the agency of those -skilful professors, Messrs. Larkyns, Fosbrooke, Smalls, and Bouncer, had -been so far beneficial to him, that, in the figurative Eastern language -of the last-named gentleman, he had not only been "sharpened up no end -by being well rubbed against University bricks," but he had, moreover, -"become so considerably wide-awake, that he would very soon be able to -take the shine out of the old original Weazel, whom the pages of History -had recorded as never having been discovered in a state of somnolence." - -Now, as Mr. Bouncer was a gentleman of considerable experience and was, -too, (although addicted to expressions not to be found in "the Polite -Preceptor,") quite free from the vulgar habit of personal flattery,--or, -as he thought fit to express it, in words which would have taken away my -Lord Chesterfield's appetite, "buttering a party to his face in the -cheekiest manner,"--we may fairly presume, on this strong evidence, that -Mr. Verdant Green had really gained a considerable amount of experience -during his Freshman's term, although there were still left in his -character and conduct many marks of viridity which-- - - "Time's effacing fingers," - -assisted by Mr. Bouncer's instructions, would gradually remove. However, -Mr. Verdant Green had, at any rate, ceased to be "a Freshman" in name; -and had received that University promotion, which Mr. Charles Larkyns -commemorated by the following _affiche_, which our hero, on his return -from his first morning chapel in the Michaelmas term, found in a -conspicuous position on his oak. - - Commission signed by the Vice-Chancellor of the University - of Oxford. - - MR. VERDANT GREEN to be an Oxford Undergraduate, _vice_ Oxford - Freshman, SOLD out. - -It is generally found to be the case, that the youthful Undergraduate -first seeks to prove he is no longer a "Freshman," by endeavouring to -impose on the credulity of those young gentlemen who come up as Freshmen -in his second term. And, in this, there is an analogy between the biped -and the quadruped; for, the wild, gambolling, school-boy elephant, when -he has been brought into a new circle, and has been trained to new -habits, will take pleasure in ensnaring and deluding his late companions -in play. - -The "sells" by which our hero had been "sold out" as a Freshman, now -formed a stock in trade for the Undergraduate, which his experience -enabled him to dispose of (with considerable interest) to the most -credulous members of the generations of Freshmen who came up after him. -Perhaps no Freshman had ever gone through a more severe course of -hoaxing--to survive it--than Mr. Verdant Green; and yet, by a system of -retaliation, only paralleled by the quadrupedal case of the -before-mentioned elephant, and the biped-beadle case of the illustrious -Mr. Bumble, who after having his own ears boxed by the late Mrs. Corney, -relieved his feelings by boxing the ears of the small boy who opened the -gate for him,--our hero took the greatest delight in seeking every -opportunity to play off upon a Freshman some one of those numerous -hoaxes which had been so successfully practised on himself. And while, -in referring to the early part of his University career, he omitted all -mention of such anecdotes as displayed his own personal credulity in the -strongest light--which anecdotes the faithful historian has thought fit -to record,--he, nevertheless, dwelt with extreme pleasure on the -reminiscences of a few isolated facts, in which he himself appeared in -the character of the hoaxer. - -These facts, when neatly garnished with a little fiction, made very -palatable dishes for University entertainment, and were served up by our -hero, when he went "down into the country," to select parties of -relatives and friends (N.B.--Females preferred). On such occasions, the -following hoax formed Mr. Verdant Green's _pièce de résistance_. - -FOOTNOTES: - -[1] Horace, Ep. Lib. I. ii., 69. - - - - -CHAPTER II. - -MR. VERDANT GREEN DOES AS HE HAS BEEN DONE BY. - - -One morning, Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Bouncer were lounging in the -venerable gateway of Brazenface. The former gentleman, being of an -amiable, tame-rabbit-keeping disposition, was making himself very happy -by whistling popular airs to the Porter's pet bullfinch, who was -laboriously engaged on a small tread-mill, winding up his private supply -of water. Mr. Bouncer, being of a more volatile temperament, was amusing -himself by asking the Porter's opinion on the foreign policy of Great -Britain, and by making very audible remarks on the passers-by. His -attention was at length riveted by the appearance on the other side of -the street, of a modest-looking young gentleman, who appeared to be so -ill at ease in his frock-coat and "stick-up" collars, as to lead to the -strong presumption that he wore those articles of manly dress for the -first time. - -"I'll bet you a bottle of blacking, Giglamps," said little Mr. Bouncer, -as he directed our hero's attention to the stranger, "that this -respected party is an intending Freshman. Look at his customary suits of -solemn black, as Othello, or Hamlet, or some other swell, says in -Shakspeare. And, besides his black go-to-meeting bags, please to -observe," continued the little gentleman, in the tone of a wax-work -showman; "please to hobserve the pecooliarity hof the hair-chain, -likewise the straps of the period. Look! he's coming this way. Giglamps, -I vote we take a rise out of the youth. Hem! Good morning! Can we have -the pleasure of assisting you in anything." - -"Yes, sir! thank you, sir," replied the youthful stranger, who was -flushing like a girl up to the very roots of his curly, auburn hair; -"perhaps, sir, you can direct me to Brazenface College, sir?"' - -"Well, sir! it's not at all improbable, sir, but what I could, sir;" -replied Mr. Bouncer; "but, perhaps, sir, you'll first favour me with -your name, and your business there, sir." - -"Certainly, sir!" rejoined the stranger; and, while he fumbled at his -card-case, the experienced Mr. Bouncer whispered to our hero, "Told you -he was a sucking Freshman, Giglamps! He has got a bran new card-case, -and says 'sir' at the sight of the academicals." The card handed to Mr. -Bouncer, bore the name of "MR. JAMES PUCKER;" and, in smaller characters -in the corner of the card, were the words, "_Brazenface College, -Oxford_." - -"I came, sir," said the blushing Mr. Pucker, "to enter for my -matriculation examination, and I wished to see the gentleman who will -have to examine me, sir." - -"The doose you do!" said Mr. Bouncer sternly; "then young, man, allow me -to say, that you've regularly been and gone and done it, and put your -foot in it most completely." - -"How-ow-ow, how, sir?" stammered the dupe. - -"How?" replied Mr. Bouncer, still more sternly; "do you mean to brazen -out your offence by asking how? What _could_ have induced you, sir, to -have had printed on this card the name of this College, when you've not -a prospect of belonging to it--it may be for years, it may be for never, -as the bard says. You've committed a most grievous offence against the -University statutes, young gentleman; and so this gentleman here--Mr. -Pluckem, the junior examiner--will tell you!" and with that, little Mr. -Bouncer nudged Mr. Verdant Green, who took his cue with astonishing -aptitude, and glared through his glasses at the trembling Mr. Pucker, -who stood blushing, and bowing, and heartily repenting that his -school-boy vanity had led him to invest four-and-sixpence in "100 cards, -and plate, engraved with name and address." - -"Put the cards in your pocket, sir, and don't let me see them again!" -said our hero in his newly-confirmed title of the junior examiner; quite -rejoiced at the opportunity afforded him of proving to his friend that -_he_ was no longer a Freshman. - -"He forgives you for the sake of your family, young man!" said Mr. -Bouncer with pathos; "you've come to the right shop, for _this_ is -Brazenface; and you've come just at the right time, for here is the -gentleman who will assist Mr. Pluckem in examining you;" and Mr. Bouncer -pointed to Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, who was coming up the street on -his way from the Schools, where he was making a very laudable (but as it -proved, futile) endeavour "to get through his smalls," or, in other -words, to pass his Little-go examination. The hoax which had been -suggested to the ingenious mind of Mr. Bouncer, was based upon the fact -of Mr. Fosbrooke's being properly got-up for his sacrifice in a white -tie, and a pair of very small bands--the two articles, which, with the -usual academicals, form the costume demanded by Alma Mater of all her -children when they take their places in her Schools. And, as Mr. -Fosbrooke was far too politic a gentleman to irritate the Examiners by -appearing in a "loud" or sporting costume, he had carried out the idea -of clerical character suggested by the bands and choker, by a quiet, -gentlemanly suit of black, which, he had fondly hoped, would have -softened his Examiners' manners, and not permitted them to be brutal. - -Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, therefore, to the unsophisticated eye of the -blushing Mr. Pucker, presented a very fine specimen of the Examining -Tutor; and this impression on Mr. Pucker's mind was heightened by Mr. -Fosbrooke, after a few minutes' private conversation with the other two -gentlemen, turning to him, and saying, "It will be extremely -inconvenient to me to examine you now; but as you probably wish to -return home as soon as possible, I will endeavour to conclude the -business at once--this gentleman, Mr. Pluckem," pointing to our hero, -"having kindly promised to assist me. Mr. Bouncer, will you have the -goodness to follow with the young gentleman to my rooms?" - -Leaving Mr. Pucker to express his thanks for this great kindness, and -Mr. Bouncer to plunge him into the depths of trepidation by telling him -terrible _stories_ of the Examiner's fondness for rejecting the -candidates for examination, Mr. Fosbrooke and our hero ascended to the -rooms of the former, where they hastily cleared away cigar-boxes and -pipes, turned certain French pictures with their faces to the wall, and -covered over with an outspread _Times_ a regiment of porter and spirit -bottles which had just been smuggled in, and were drawn up rank-and-file -on the sofa. Having made this preparation, and furnished the table with -pens, ink, and scribble-paper, Mr. Bouncer and the victim were admitted. - -"Take a seat, sir," said Mr. Fosbrooke, gravely; and Mr. Pucker put his -hat on the ground, and sat down at the table in a state of blushing -nervousness. "Have you been at a public school?" - -"Yes, sir," stammered the victim; "a very public one, sir; it was a -boarding-school, sir; forty boarders, and thirty day-boys, sir; I was a -day-boy, sir, and in the first class." - -"First class of an uncommon slow train!" muttered Mr. Bouncer. - -"And are you going back to the boarding-school?" asked Mr. Verdant -Green, with the air of an assistant judge. - -"No, sir," replied Mr. Pucker, "I have just done with it; quite done -with school, sir, this last half; and papa is going to put me to read -with a clergyman until it is time for me to come to college." - -"Refreshing innocence!" murmured Mr. Bouncer; while Mr. Fosbrooke and -our hero conferred together, and hastily wrote on two sheets of the -scribble-paper. - -[Illustration] - -"Now, sir," said Mr. Fosbrooke to the victim, after a paper had been -completed, "let us see what your Latin writing is like. Have the -goodness to turn what I have written into Latin; and be very careful, -sir," added Mr. Fosbrooke, sternly, "be very careful that it is Cicero's -Latin, sir!" and he handed Mr. Pucker a sheet of paper, on which he had -scribbled the following: - - "To be Translated into Prose-y Latin, in the Manner of - Cicero's Orations after Dinner. - - "If, therefore, any on your bench, my luds, or in this assembly, - should entertain an opinion that the proximate parts of a - mellifluous mind are for ever conjoined and unconnected, I submit - to you, my luds, that it will of necessity follow, that such - clandestine conduct being a mere nothing,--or, in the noble - language of our philosophers, bosh,--every individual act of overt - misunderstanding will bring interminable limits to the empiricism - of thought, and will rebound in the very lowest degree to the - credit of the malefactor." - - "To be Turned into Latin after the Master of the Animals - of Tacitus. - - "She went into the garden to cut a cabbage to make an apple-pie. - Just then, a great she-bear coming down the street, poked its nose - into the shop-window. 'What! no soap!' So he died, and she (very - imprudently) married the barber. And there were present at the - wedding the Joblillies, and the Piccannies, and the Gobelites, and - the great Panjandrum himself, with the little button on top. So - they all set to playing Catch-who-catch-can, till the gunpowder - ran out at the heels of their boots." - -It was well for the purposes of the hoaxers that Mr. Pucker's -trepidation prevented him from making a calm perusal of the paper; and -he was nervously doing his best to turn the nonsensical English word by -word into equally nonsensical Latin, when his limited powers of Latin -writing were brought to a full stop by the untranslateable word "Bosh." -As he could make nothing of this, he wiped the perspiration from his -forehead, and gazed appealingly at the benignant features of Mr. Verdant -Green. The appealing gaze was answered by our hero ordering Mr. Pucker -to hand in his paper for examination, and to endeavour to answer the -questions which he and his brother examiner had been writing down for -him. - -Mr. Pucker took the two papers of questions, and read as follows: - -"HISTORY. - - "1. Draw a historical parallel (after the manner of Plutarch) - between Hannibal and Annie Laurie. - - "2. What internal evidence does the Odyssey afford, that Homer - sold his Trojan war-ballads at three yards an obolus? - - "3. Show the strong presumption there is, that Nox was the god of - battles. - - "4. State reasons for presuming that the practice of lithography - may be traced back to the time of Perseus and the Gorgon's head. - - "5. In what way were the shades on the banks of the Styx supplied - with spirits? - - "6. Show the probability of the College Hornpipe having been used - by the students of the Academia; and give passages from Thucydides - and Tennyson in support of your answer. - - "7. Give a brief account of the Roman Emperors who visited the - United States, and state what they did there. - - "8. Show from the redundancy of the word [Greek: gas] in - Sophocles, that gas must have been used by the Athenians; also - state, if the expression [Greek: oi Bharbaroi] would seem to - signify that they were close shavers. - - 9. Show from the-words 'Hoc erat in votis,' (Sat. VI., Lib. II.,) - that Horace's favourite wine was hock, and that he meant to say - 'he always voted for hock.' - - "10. Draw a parallel between the Children in the Wood and Achilles - in the Styx. - - "11. When it is stated that Ariadne, being deserted by Theseus, - fell in love with Bacchus, is it the poetical way of asserting - that she took to drinking to drown her grief? - - "12. Name the _prima donnas_ who have appeared in the operas of - Virgil and Horace since the 'Virgilii Opera,' and 'Horatii Opera' - were composed." - -"EUCLID, ARITHMETIC, and ALGEBRA. - - "1. 'The extremities of a line are points.' Prove this by the rule - of railways. - - "2. Show the fallacy of defining an angle, as 'a worm at one end - and a fool at the other.' - - "3. If one side of a triangle be produced, what is there to - prevent the other two sides from also being brought forward? - - "4. Let A and B be squares having their respective boundaries in E - and W. ends, and let C and D be circles moving in them; the circle - D will be superior to the circle C. - - "5. In equal circles, equal figures from various squares will - stand upon the same footing. - - "6. If two parts of a circle fall out, the one part will cut the - other. - - "7. Describe a square which shall be larger than Belgrave Square. - - "8. If the gnomon of a sun-dial be divided into two equal, and - also into two unequal parts, what would be its value? - - "9. Describe a perpendicular triangle having the squares of the - semi-circle equal to half the extremity between the points of - section. - - "10. If an Austrian florin is worth 5.61 francs, what will be the - value of Pennsylvanian bonds? Prove by rule-of-three inverse. - - "11. If seven horses eat twenty-five acres of grass in three days, - what will be their condition on the fourth day? Prove by practice. - - "12. If a coach-wheel, 6-5/30 in diameter and 5-9/47 in - circumference, makes 240-4/10 revolutions in a second, how many - men will it take to do the same piece of work in ten days? - - "13. Find the greatest common measure of a quart bottle of Oxford - port. - - "14. Find the value of a 'bob,' a 'tanner,' a 'joey,' and a - 'tizzy.' - - "15. Explain the common denominators 'brick,' 'trump,' 'spoon,' - 'muff,' and state what was the greatest common denominator in the - last term. - - "16. Reduce two academical years to their lowest terms. - - "17. Reduce a Christ Church tuft to the level of a Teddy Hall man. - - "18. If a freshman A have any mouth _x_, and a bottle of wine _y_, - show how many applications of _x_ to _y_ will place _y_+_y_ before - _A_." - -Mr. Pucker did not know what to make of such extraordinary and -unexpected questions. He blushed, attempted to write, fingered his -curls, tried to collect his faculties, and then appeared to give himself -over to despair; whereupon little Mr. Bouncer was seized with an -immoderate fit of coughing which had well nigh brought the farce to its -_dénouement_. - -"I'm afraid, young gentleman," said Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, as he -carelessly settled his white tie and bands, "I am afraid, Mr. Pucker, -that your learning is not yet up to the Brazenface standard. We are -particularly cautious about admitting any gentleman whose acquirements -are not of the highest order. But we will be as lenient to you as we are -able, and give you one more chance to retrieve yourself. We will try a -little _vivâ voce_, Mr. Pucker. Perhaps, sir, you will favour me with -your opinions on the Fourth Punic War, and will also give me a slight -sketch of the constitution of ancient Heliopolis." - -Mr. Pucker waxed, if possible, redder and hotter than before, he gasped -like a fish out of water; and, like Dryden's prince, "unable to conceal -his pain," he - - "Sigh'd and look'd, sigh'd and look'd, - Sigh'd and look'd, and sigh'd again." - -But all was to no purpose: he was unable to frame an answer to Mr. -Fosbrooke's questions. - -"Ah, sir," continued his tormentor, "I see that you will not do for us -yet awhile, and I am therefore under the painful necessity of rejecting -you. I should advise you, sir, to read hard for another twelvemonths, -and endeavour to master those subjects in which you have now failed. -For, a young man, Mr. Pucker, who knows nothing about the Fourth Punic -War, and the constitution of ancient Heliopolis, is quite unfit to be -enrolled among the members of such a learned college as Brazenface. Mr. -Pluckem quite coincides with me in this decision." (Here Mr. Verdant -Green gave a Burleigh nod.) "We feel very sorry for you, Mr. Pucker, and -also for your unfortunate family; but we recommend you to add to your -present stock of knowledge, and to keep those visiting-cards for another -twelvemonth." And Mr. Fosbrooke and our hero--disregarding poor Mr. -Pucker's entreaties that they would consider his pa and ma, and would -please to matriculate him this once, and he would read very hard, indeed -he would--turned to Mr. Bouncer and gave some private instructions, -which caused that gentleman immediately to vanish, and seek out Mr. -Robert Filcher. - -Five minutes after, that excellent Scout met the dejected Mr. Pucker as -he was crossing the Quad on his way from Mr. Fosbrooke's rooms. - -"Beg your pardon, sir," said Mr. Filcher, touching his forehead; for, -as Mr. Filcher, after the manner of his tribe, never was seen in a -head-covering, he was unable to raise his hat or cap; "beg your pardon, -sir! but was you a lookin' for the party as examines the young gents for -their matrickylation?" - -"Eh?--no! I have just come from him," replied Mr. Pucker, dolefully. - -[Illustration] - -"Beg your pardon, sir," remarked Mr. Filcher, "but his rooms ain't that -way at all. Mr. Slowcoach, as is the party you _ought_ to have seed, has -_his_ rooms quite in a hopposite direction, sir; and he's the honly -party as examines the matrickylatin' gents." - -"But I _have_ been examined," observed Mr. Pucker, with the air of a -plucked man; "and I am sorry to say that I was rejected, and"---- - -"I dessay, sir," interrupted Mr. Filcher; "but I think it's a 'oax, -sir!" - -"A what?" stammered Mr. Pucker. - -"A 'oax--a sell;" replied the Scout, confidentially. "You see, sir, I -think some of the gents have been makin' a little game of you, sir; they -often does with fresh parties like you, sir, that seem fresh and -hinnocent like; and I dessay they've been makin' believe to examine you, -sir, and a pretendin' that you wasn't clever enough. But they don't mean -no harm, sir; it's only their play, bless you!" - -"Then," said Mr. Pucker, whose countenance had been gradually clearing -with every word the Scout spoke; "then I'm not really rejected, but have -still a chance of passing my examination?" - -"Percisely so, sir," replied Mr. Filcher; "and--hexcuse me, sir, for a -hintin' of it to you,--but, if you would let me adwise you, sir, you -wouldn't go for to mention anythin' about the 'oax to Mr. Slowcoach; -_he_ wouldn't be pleased, sir, and _you'd_ only get laughed at. If you -like to go to him now, sir, I know he's in his rooms, and I'll show you -the way there with the greatest of pleasure." - -Mr. Pucker, immensely relieved in mind, gladly put himself under the -Scout's guidance, and was admitted into the presence of Mr. Slowcoach. -In twenty minutes after this he issued from the examining tutor's rooms -with a joyful countenance, and again encountered Mr. Robert Filcher. - -"Hope you've done the job this time, sir," said the Scout. - -"Yes," replied the radiant Mr. Pucker; "and at two o'clock I am to see -the Vice-chancellor; and I shall be able to come to college this time -next year." - -"Werry glad of it, indeed, sir!" observed Mr. Filcher, with genuine -emotion, and an eye to future perquisites; "and I suppose, sir, you -didn't say a word about the 'oax?" - -"Not a word!" replied Mr. Pucker. - -"Then, sir," said Mr. Filcher, with enthusiasm, "hexcuse me, but you're -a trump, sir! And Mr. Fosbrooke's compliments to you, sir, and he'll be -'appy if you'll come up into his rooms, and take a glass of wine after -the fatigues of the examination. And,--hexcuse me again, sir, for a -hintin' of it to you, but of course you can't be aweer of the customs of -the place, unless somebody tells you on 'em,--I shall be werry glad to -drink your werry good health, sir." - -Need it be stated that the blushing Mr. Pucker, delirious with joy at -the sudden change in the state of affairs, and the delightful prospect -of being a member of the University, not only tipped Mr. Filcher a -five-shilling piece, but also paid a second visit to Mr. Fosbrooke's -rooms, where he found that gentleman in his usual costume, and by him -was introduced to the Mr. Pluckem, who now bore the name of Mr. Verdant -Green? Need it be stated that the nervous Mr. Pucker blushed and -laughed, and laughed and blushed, while his two pseudo-examiners took -wine with him in the most friendly manner; Mr. Bouncer pronouncing him -to be "an out-and-outer, and no mistake!" And need it be stated that, -after this undergraduate display of hoaxing, Mr. Verdant Green would -feel exceedingly offended were he still to be called "an Oxford -Freshman"? - - - - -CHAPTER III. - -MR. VERDANT GREEN ENDEAVOURS TO KEEP HIS SPIRITS UP BY POURING SPIRITS -DOWN. - - -It was the evening of the fifth of November; the day which the -Protestant youth of England dedicate to the memory of that martyr of -gunpowder, the firework Faux, and which the youth of Oxford, by a three -months' anticipation of the calendar, devote to the celebration of those -scholastic sports for which the day of St. Scholastica the Virgin was -once so famous.[2] - -Rumour with its hundred tongues had spread far and wide the news, that a -more than ordinary demonstration would be made of the might of Town, and -that this demonstration would be met by a corresponding increase of -prowess on the side of Gown. It was darkly whispered that the purlieus -of Jericho would send forth champions to the fight. It was mentioned -that the Parish of St. Thomas would be powerfully represented by its -Bargee lodgers. It was confidently reported that St. Aldate's[3] would -come forth in all its olden strength. It was told as a fact that St. -Clement's had departed from the spirit of clemency, and was up in arms. -From an early hour of the evening, the Townsmen had gathered in -threatening groups; and their determined aspect, and words of chaff, had -told of the coming storm. It was to be a tremendous Town and Gown! - -The Poet has forcibly observed-- - - "Strange that there should such diff'rence be, - 'Twixt Tweedledum and Tweedledee!" - -But the difference between Town and Gown, is not to be classed with the -Tweedledum and Tweedledee difference. It is something more than a mere -difference of two letters. The lettered Gown lorded it over the -unlettered Town: the plebeian Town was perpetually snubbed by the -aristocratic Gown. If Gown even wished to associate with Town, he could -only do so under certain restrictions imposed by the statutes; and Town -was thus made to feel exceedingly honoured by the gracious condescension -of Gown. But Town, moreover, maintained its existence, that it might -contribute to the pleasure and amusements, the needs and necessities, of -Gown. And very expensively was Town occasionally made to pay for its -existence; so expensively indeed, that if it had not been for the great -interest which Town assumed on Gown's account, the former's -business-life would have soon failed. But, on many accounts, or rather, -_in_ many accounts, Gown was deeply indebted to Town; and, although Gown -was often loth to own the obligation, yet Town never forgot it, but -always placed it to Gown's credit. Occasionally, in his early freshness, -Gown would seek to compensate Town for his obliging favours; but Town -would gently run counter to this wish, and preferred that the evidences -of Gown's friendly intercourse with him should accumulate, until he -could, with renewed interest (as we understand from the authority of an -aged pun), obtain his payments by Degrees. - -When Gown was absent, Town was miserable: it was dull; it did nothing; -it lost its customer-y application to business. When Gown returned, -there was no small change,--the benefit was a sovereign one to Town. -Notes, too, passed between them; of which, those received by Town were -occasionally of intrinsic value. Town thanked Gown for these,--even -thanked him when his civility had only been met by checks,--and -smirked, and fawned, and flattered; and Gown patronised Town, and was -offensively condescending. What a relief then must it have been to the -pent-up feelings of Town, when the Saturnalia of a Guy-Faux day brought -its usual license, and Town could stand up against Gown and try a game -of fisticuffs! And if, when there was a cry "To arms!" we could always -settle the dispute in an English fashion with those arms with which we -have been supplied by nature, there would then, perhaps, be fewer -weeping widows and desolate orphans in the world than there are just at -present. - -On the evening of the fifth of November, then, Mr. Bouncer's rooms were -occupied by a wine-party; and, among the gentlemen assembled, we noticed -(as newspaper reporters say), Mr. Verdant Green, Mr. Charles Larkyns, -Mr. Fosbrooke, Mr. Smalls, and Mr. Blades. The table was liberally -supplied with wine; and a "desert at eighteen-pence per head,"--as Mr. -Bouncer would afterwards be informed through the medium of his -confectioner's bill;--and, while an animated conversation was being held -on the expected Town and Gown, the party were fortifying themselves for -the _émeute_ by a rapid consumption of the liquids before them. Our -hero, and some of the younger ones of the party, who had not yet left -off their juvenile likings, were hard at work at the dessert in that -delightful, disregardless-of-dyspepsia manner, in which boys so love to -indulge, even when they have passed into University _men_. As usual, -the _bouquet_ of the wine was somewhat interfered with by those narcotic -odours, which, to a smoker, are as the gales of Araby the Blest. - -Mr. Blades was conspicuous among the party, not only from his -dimensions,--or, as he phrased it, from "his breadth of beam,"--but also -from his free-and-easy costume. "To get himself into wind," as he -alleged, Mr. Blades had just been knocking the wind out of the -Honourable Flexible Shanks (youngest son of the Earl of Buttonhole), a -Tuft from Christ Church, who had left his luxurious rooms in the -Canterbury Quad chiefly for the purpose of preparing himself for the -forthcoming Town and Gown, by putting on the gloves with his boating -friend. The bout having terminated by Mr. Flexible Shanks having been -sent backwards into a tray of wine-glasses with which Mr. Filcher was -just entering the room, the gloves were put aside, and the combatants -had an amicable set-to at a bottle of Carbonell's "Forty-four," which -Mr. Bouncer brought out of a wine-closet in his bedroom for their -especial delectation. Mr. Blades, who was of opinion that, in dress, -ease should always be consulted before elegance, had not resumed that -part of his attire of which he had divested himself for fistianic -purposes; and, with a greater display of linen than is usually to be -seen in society, was seated comfortably in a lounging chair, smoking the -pipe of peace. Since he had achieved the proud feat of placing the -Brazenface boat at the head of the river, Mr. Blades had gained -increased renown, more especially in his own college, where he was -regarded in the light of a tutelary river deity; and, as training was -not going on, he was now enabled to indulge in a second glass of wine, -and also in the luxury of a cigar. Mr. Blades's shirt-sleeves were -turned up so as to display the anatomical proportion of his arms; and -little Mr. Bouncer, with the grave aspect of a doctor feeling a pulse, -was engaged in fingering his deltoid and biceps muscles, and in uttering -panegyrics on his friend's torso-of-Hercules condition. - -"My gum, Billy!" (it must be observed, _en passant_, that, although the -name given to Mr. Blades at an early age was Frank, yet that when he was -not called "old Blades," he was always addressed as "Billy,"--it being a -custom which has obtained in universities, that wrong names should be -familiarly given to certain gentlemen, more as a mark of friendly -intimacy than of derision or caprice.) "My gum, Billy!" observed Mr. -Bouncer, "you're as hard as nails! What an extensive assortment of -muscles you've got on hand,--to say nothing about the arms. I wish I'd -got such a good stock in trade for our customers to-night; I'd soon -sarve 'em out, and make 'em sing peccavi." - -"The fact is," said Mr. Flexible Shanks, who was leaning smoking against -the mantelpiece behind him, "Billy is like a respectable family of -bivalves--he is nothing but mussels." - -"Or like an old Turk," joined in Mr. Bouncer, "for he's a regular -Mussulman." - -"Oh! Shanks! Bouncer!" cried Charles Larkyns, "what stale jokes! Do open -the window, somebody,--it's really offensive." - -"Ah!" said Mr. Blades, modestly, "you only just wait till Footelights -brings the Pet, and then you'll see real muscles." - -"It was rather a good move," said Mr. Cheke, a gentleman commoner of -Corpus, who was lounging in an easy chair smoking a meerschaum through -an elastic tube a yard long,--"it was rather a good move of yours, -Fossy," he said, addressing himself to Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, "to -secure the Pet's services. The feller will do us some service, and will -astonish the _oi polloi_ no end." - -"Oh! how prime it _will_ be," cried little Mr. Bouncer, in ecstacies -with the prospect before him, "to see the Pet pitching into the cads, -and walking into their small affections with his one, two, three! And -don't I just pity them when he gets them into Chancery! Were you ever in -Chancery, Giglamps?" - -"No, indeed!" replied the innocent Mr. Verdant Green; "and I hope that I -shall always keep out of it; lawsuits are so very disagreeable and -expensive." - -[Illustration] - -Mr. Bouncer had only time to remark _sotto voce_ to Mr. Flexible Shanks, -"it is so jolly refreshing to take a rise out of old Giglamps!" when a -knock at the oak was heard; and, as Mr. Bouncer roared out, "Come in!" -the knocker entered. He was rather dressy in his style of costume, and -wore his long dark hair parted in the middle. Opening the door, and -striking into an attitude, he exclaimed in a theatrical tone and manner: -"Scene, Mr. Bouncer's rooms in Brazenface: in the centre a table, at -which Mr. B. and party are discovered drinking log-juice, and smoking -cabbage-leaves. Door, left, third entrance; enter the Putney Pet. Slow -music; lights half-down." And standing on one side, the speaker motioned -to a second gentleman to enter the room. - -There was no mistaking the profession of this gentleman; even the -inexperience of Mr. Verdant Green did not require to be informed that -the Putney Pet was a prizefighter. "Bruiser" was plainly written in his -personal appearance, from his hard-featured, low-browed, battered, -hang-dog face, to his thickset frame, and the powerful muscular -development of the upper part of his person. His close-cropped thatch of -hair was brushed down tightly to his head, but was permitted to burst -into the luxuriance of two small ringlets, which dangled in front of -each huge ear, and were as carefully curled and oiled as though they had -graced the face of beauty. The Pet was attired in a dark olive-green -cutaway coat, buttoned over a waistcoat of a violent-coloured plaid,--a -pair of white cord trousers that fitted tightly to the leg,--and a -white-spotted blue handkerchief, which was twisted round a neck that -might have served as a model for the Minotaur's. In his mouth, the Pet -cherished, according to his wont, a sprig of parsley; small fragments of -which herb he was accustomed to chew and spit out, as a pleasing relief -to the monotony of conversation. - -The Pet, after having been proclaimed victor in more than one of those -playfully frolicsome "Frolics of the Fancy," in which nobly born but -ignobly-minded "Corinthians" formerly invested so much interest and -money, had at length matched his powers against the gentleman who bore -the title of "the champion of the ring;" but, after a protracted contest -of two hours and a half, in which one hundred and nineteen rounds had -been fought, the Pet's eyes had been completely closed up by an amusing -series of blows from the heavy fists of the more skilful champion; and -as the Pet, moreover, was so battered and bruised, and was altogether so -"groggy" that he was barely able to stand up to be knocked down, his -humane second had thrown up the sponge in acknowledgment of his defeat. -But though unable to deprive the champion of his belt, yet--as -_Tintinnabulum's Life_ informed its readers on the following Sunday, in -its report of this "matchless encounter,"--the Putney Pet had -"established a reputation;" and a reputation is a reputation, even -though it be one which may be offensive to the nostrils. Retiring, -therefore, from the more active public-duties of his profession, he took -unto himself a wife and a beershop,--for it seems to be a freak of "the -Fancy," when they retire from one public line to go into another,--and -placing the former in charge of the latter, the Pet came forth to the -world as a "Professor of the noble art of Self-defence." - -It was in this phase of his existence, that Mr. Fosbrooke had the -pleasure of forming his acquaintance. Mr. Fosbrooke had received a card, -which intimated that the Pet would have great pleasure in giving him -"_lessons in the noble and manly art of Self-defence, either at the -gentleman's own residence, or at the Pet's spacious Sparring Academy, 5, -Cribb Court, Drury Lane, which is fitted up with every regard to the -comfort and convenience of his pupils. Gloves are provided. -N.B.--Ratting sports at the above crib every evening. Plenty of rats -always on hand. Use of the Pit gratis._" Mr. Fosbrooke, having come to -the wise conclusion that every Englishman ought to know how to be able -to use his fists in case of need, and being quite of the opinion of the -gentleman who said:--"my son should even learn to box, for do we not -meet with imposing toll-keepers, and insolent cabmen? and, as he can't -call them out, he should be able to knock them down,"[4] at once put -himself under the Pet's tuition; and, as we have before seen, still kept -up his practice with the gloves, when he had got to his own rooms at -Brazenface. - -But the Pet had other Oxford pupils than Mr. Fosbrooke; and he took such -an affectionate interest in their welfare, that he came down from Town -two or three times in each term, to see if his pupils' practice had made -them perfect in the art. One of the Pet's pupils, was the gentleman who -had now introduced him to Mr. Bouncer's rooms. His name was Foote, but -he was commonly called "Footelights;" the addition having been made to -his name by way of _sobriquet_ to express his unusual fondness for the -stage, which amounted to so great a passion, that his very conversation -was redolent of "the footlights." He had only been at St. John's a -couple of terms, and Mr. Fosbrooke had picked up his acquaintance -through the medium of the Pet, and had afterwards made him known to most -of the men who were now assembled at Mr. Bouncer's wine. - -"Your servant, gents!" said the Pet, touching his forehead, and making a -scrape with his leg, by way of salutation. - -"Hullo, Pet!" returned Mr. Bouncer; "bring yourself to an anchor, my -man." The Pet accordingly anchored himself by dropping on to the edge -of a chair, and placing his hat underneath it; while Huz and Buz smelt -suspiciously round his legs, and looked at him with an expression of -countenance which bore a wonderful resemblance to that which they gazed -upon. - -"Never mind the dogs; they're amiable little beggars," observed Mr. -Bouncer, "and they never bite any one except in play. Now then, Pet, -what sort of liquors are you given to? Here are Claret liquors, Port -liquors, Sherry liquors, egg-flip liquors, Cup liquors. You pays your -money, and you takes your choice!" - -"Well, sir, thankee!" replied the Pet, "I ain't no ways pertikler, but if -you _have_ sich a thing as a glass o' sperrits, I'd prefer that--if not -objectionable." - -"In course not, Pet! always call for what you like. We keep all sorts of -liquors, and are allowed to get drunk on the premises. Ain't we, -Giglamps?" Firing this raking shot as he passed our hero, little Mr. -Bouncer dived into the cupboard which served as his wine-bin, and -brought therefrom two bottles of brandy and whiskey which he set before -the Pet. "If you like gin or rum, or cherry-brandy, or old-tom, better -than these liquors," said Mr. Bouncer, astonishing the Pet with the -resources of a College wine-cellar, "just say the word, and you shall -have them. 'I can call spirits from the vasty deep;' as Shikspur says. -How will you take it, Pet? Neat, or adulterated? Are you for _callidum -cum_, or _frigidum sine_--for hot-with, or cold-without?" - -"I generally takes my sperrits 'ot, sir--if not objectionable;" replied -the Pet deferentially. Whereupon Mr. Bouncer seizing his -speaking-trumpet, roared through it from the top of the stairs, -"Rob-ert! Rob-ert!" But, as Mr. Filcher did not answer the summons, Mr. -Bouncer threw up the window of his room, and bellowed out "Rob-ert" in -tones which must have been perfectly audible in the High Street. "Doose -take the feller, he's always over at the Buttery;" said the incensed -gentleman. - -"I'll go up to old Sloe's room, and get his kettle," said Mr. Smalls; -"he teas all day long to keep himself awake for reading. If he don't -mind, he'll blow himself up with his gunpowder tea before he can take -his double-first." - -By the time Mr. Smalls had re-appeared with the kettle, Mr. Filcher had -thought it prudent to answer his master's summons. - -"Did you call, sir?" asked the Scout, as though he was doubtful on that -point. - -"Call!" said Mr. Bouncer, with great irony; "oh, no! of course not! I -should rather think not! Do you suppose that you are kept here that -parties may have the chance of hollering out their lungs for you? Don't -answer me, sir! but get some hot water, and some more glasses; and be -quick about it." Mr. Filcher was gone immediately; and, in three -minutes, everything was settled to Mr. Bouncer's satisfaction, and he -gave Mr. Filcher farther orders to bring up coffee and anchovy toast, at -half-past eight o'clock. "Now, Pet, my beauty!" said the little -gentleman, "you just walk into the liquors; because you've got some -toughish work before you, you know." - -[Illustration] - -The Pet did not require any pressing, but did as he was told; and, -bestowing a collective nod on the company, drank their healths with the -prefatory remark, "I looks to-_wards_ you gents!" - -"Will you poke a smipe, Pet?" asked Mr. Bouncer, rather enigmatically; -but, as he at the same time placed before the Pet a "yard of clay" and a -box of cigars, the professor of the art of self-defence perceived that -he was asked to smoke a pipe. - -"That's right, Pet!" said the Honourable Flexible Shanks, -condescendingly, as the prizefighter scientifically filled the bowl of -his pipe; "I'm glad to see you join us in a bit of smoke. We're all -_Baccy_-nalians now!" - -"Shanks, you're incorrigible!" said Charles Larkyns; "and don't you -remember what _the Oxford Parodies_ say?" and, in his clear, rich voice, -Mr. Larkyns sang the two following verses to the air of "Love not:"-- - - Smoke not, smoke not, your weeds nor pipes of clay! - Cigars they are made from leaves of cauliflowers;-- - Things that are doomed no duty e'er to pay;-- - Grown, made, and smoked in a few short hours. - Smoke not--smoke not! - - Smoke not, smoke not, the weed you smoke may change - The healthfulness of your stomachic tone; - Things to the eye grow queer and passing strange; - All thoughts seem undefined--save one--to be alone! - Smoke not--smoke not! - -"I know what you're thinking about, Giglamps," said Mr. Bouncer, as -Charles Larkyns ceased his parody amid an approving clatter of glasses; -"you were thinking of your first weed on the night of Small's quiet -party: wer'nt you now, old feller? Ah, you've learnt to poke a smipe, -beautiful, since then. Pet, here's your health. I'll give you a toast -and sentiment, gentlemen. May the Gown give the Town a jolly good -hiding!" The sentiment was received with great applause, and the toast -was drunk with all the honours, and followed by the customary but -inappropriate chorus, "For he's a jolly good fellow!" without the -singing of which Mr. Bouncer could not allow any toast to pass. - -"How many cads could you lick at once, one off and the other on?" asked -Mr. Fosbrooke of the Pet, with the air of Boswell when he wanted to draw -out the Doctor. - -"Well, sir," said the Pet, with the modesty of true genius, "I wouldn't -be pertickler to a score or so, as long as I'd got my back well up agin -some'ut, and could hit out." - -"What an effective tableau it would be!" observed Mr. Foote, who had -always an eye to dramatic situations. "Enter the Pet, followed by twenty -townspeople. First T.P.--Yield, traitor! Pet--Never! the man who would -yield when ordered to do so, is unworthy the name of a Pet and an -Englishman! Floors the twenty T.P.'s one after the other. Tableau, blue -fire. Why, it would surpass the British sailor's broadsword combat for -six, and bring down the house." - -"Talking of bringing down," said Mr. Blades, "did you remember to bring -down a cap and gown for the Pet, as I told you?" - -"Well, I believe those _were_ the stage directions," answered Mr. Foote; -"but, really, the wardrobe was so ill provided that it would only supply -a cap. But perhaps that will do for a super." - -"If by a super you mean a supernumerary, Footelights," said Mr. Cheke, -the gentleman Commoner of Corpus, "then the Pet isn't one. He's the -leading character of what you would call the _dramatis personæ_." - -"True," replied Mr. Foote, "he's cast for the hero; though he will -create a new _rôle_ as the walking-into-them gentleman." - -"You see, Footelights," said Mr. Blades, "that the Pet is to lead our -forces; and we depend upon him to help us on to victory: and we must put -him into academicals, not only because the town cads must think he is -one of us, but also because the proctors might otherwise deprive us of -his services--and old Towzer, the Senior Proctor, in particular, is sure -to be all alive. Who's got an old gown?" - -"I will lend mine with pleasure," said Mr. Verdant Green. - -"But you'll want it yourself," said Mr. Blades. - -"Why, thank you," faltered our hero, "I'd rather, I think, keep within -college. I can see the--the fun--yes, the fun--from the window." - -"Oh, blow it, Giglamps!" ejaculated Mr. Bouncer, "you'll never go to do -the mean, and show the white feather, will you?" - -"Music expressive of trepidation," murmured Mr. Foote, by way of -parenthesis. - -"But," pursued our hero, apologetically, "there will be, I dare say, a -large crowd." - -"A very powerful _caste_, no doubt," observed Mr. Foote. - -"And I may get my--yes, my spectacles broken; and then"---- - -"And then, Giglamps," said Mr. Bouncer, "why, and then you shall be -presented with another pair as a testimonial of affection from yours -truly. Come, Giglamps, don't do the mean! a man of your standing, and -with a chest like that!" and the little gentleman sounded on our hero's -shirt-front, as doctors do when they stethoscope a patient. "Come, -Giglamps, old feller, you mustn't refuse. You didn't ought to was, as -Shakspeare says." - -"Pardon me! Not Shakspeare, but Wright, in the 'Green Bushes,'" -interrupted Mr. Foote, who was as painfully anxious as Mr. Payne Collier -himself that the text of the great poet should be free from corruptions. - -So Mr. Verdant Green, reluctantly, it must be confessed, suffered -himself to be persuaded to join that section of the Gown which was to be -placed under the leadership of the redoubted Pet; while little Mr. -Bouncer, who had gone up into Mr. Sloe's rooms, and had vainly -endeavoured to persuade that gentleman to join in the forthcoming -_mêlée_, returned with an undergraduate's gown, and forthwith invested -the Pet with it. - -"I don't mind this 'ere mortar-board, sir," remarked the professor of -the noble art of self-defence, as he pointed to the academical cap which -surmounted his head, "I don't mind the mortar-board, sir; but I shall -never be able to do nothink with this 'ere toggery on my shudders. I -couldn't use my mawleys no how!" And the Pet illustrated his remark in a -professional manner, by sparring at an imaginary opponent in a feeble -and unscientific fashion. - -"But you can tie the tail-curtain round your shoulders--like this!" said -Mr. Fosbrooke, as he twisted his own gown tightly round him. - -But the Pet had taken a decided objection to the drapery: "The costume -would interfere with the action," as Mr. Foote remarked, "and the -management of a train requires great practice." - -"You see, sir," said the Pet, "I ain't used to the feel of it, and I -couldn't go to business properly, or give a straight nosender no how. -But the mortar-board ain't of so much consekvence." So a compromise was -made; and it was agreed that the Pet was to wear the academicals until -he had arrived at the scene of action, where he could then pocket the -gown, and resume it on any alarm of the Proctor's approach. - -"Here, Giglamps, old feller! get a priming of fighting-powder!" said -little Mr. Bouncer to our hero, as the party were on the point of -sallying forth; "it'll make you hit out from your shoulder like a -steam-engine with the chill off." And, as Mr. Bouncer whispered to -Charles Larkyns, - - "So he kept his spirits up - By pouring spirits down," - -Verdant--who felt extremely nervous, either from excitement or from -fear, or from a pleasing mixture of both sensations--drank off a deep -draught of something which was evidently not drawn from Nature's spring -or the college pump; for it first took away his breath, and made his -eyes water; and it next made him cough, and endeavour to choke himself; -and it then made his face flush, and caused him to declare that "the -first snob who 'sulted him should have a sound whopping." - -"Brayvo, Giglamps!" cried little Mr. Bouncer, as he patted him on the -shoulder; "come along! You're the right sort of fellow for a Town and -Gown, after all!" - - - - -CHAPTER IV. - -MR. VERDANT GREEN DISCOVERS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TOWN AND GOWN. - - -It was ten minutes past nine, and Tom,[5] with sonorous voice, was -ordering all College gates to be shut, when the wine party, which had -just left Mr. Bouncer's room, passed round the corner of St. Mary's, and -dashed across the High. The Town and Grown had already begun. - -As usual, the Town had taken the initiative; and, in a dense body, had -made their customary sweep of the High Street, driving all before them. -After this gallant exploit had been accomplished to the entire -satisfaction of the oppidans, the Town had separated into two or three -portions, which had betaken themselves to the most probable fighting -points, and had gone where glory waited them, thirsting for the blood, -or, at any rate, for the bloody noses of the gowned aristocrats. Woe -betide the luckless gownsman, who, on such an occasion, ventures abroad -without an escort, or trusts to his own unassisted powers to defend -himself! He is forthwith pounced upon by some score of valiant Townsmen, -who are on the watch for these favourable opportunities for a display of -their personal prowess, and he may consider himself very fortunate if he -is able to get back to his College with nothing worse than black eyes -and bruises. It is so seldom that the members of the Oxford snobocracy -have the privilege afforded them of using their fists on the faces and -persons of the members of the Oxford aristocracy, that when they _do_ -get the chance, they are unwilling to let it slip through their fingers. -Dark tales have, indeed, been told, of solitary and unoffending -undergraduates having, on such occasions, not only received a severe -handling from those same fingers, but also having been afterwards, -through their agency, bound by their own leading strings to the rails of -the Radcliffe, and there left ignominiously to struggle, and shout for -assistance. And darker tales still have been told of luckless Gownsmen -having been borne "leg and wing" fashion to the very banks of the Isis, -and there ducked, amidst the jeers and taunts of their persecutors. But -such tales as these are of too dreadful a nature for the conversation of -Gownsmen, and are very properly believed to be myths scandalously -propagated by the Town. - -The crescent moon shone down on Mr. Bouncer's party, and gave ample -light - - To light _them_ on _their_ prey. - -A noise and shouting,--which quickly made our hero's Bob-Acreish -resolutions ooze out at his fingers' ends,--was heard coming from the -direction of Oriel Street; and a small knot of Gownsmen, who had been -cut off from a larger body, appeared, manfully retreating with their -faces to the foe, fighting as they fell back, but driven by superior -numbers up the narrow street, by St. Mary's Hall, and past the side of -Spiers's shop into the High Street. - -[Illustration] - -"Gown to the rescue!" shouted Mr. Blades, as he dashed across the -street; "come on, Pet! here we are in the thick of it, just in the nick -of time!" and, closely followed by Charles Larkyns, Mr. Fosbrooke, Mr. -Smalls, Mr. Bouncer, Mr. Flexible Shanks, Mr. Cheke, Mr. Foote, and our -hero, and the rest of the party, they soon plunged _in medias res_. - -The movement was particularly well-timed, for the small body of Gownsmen -were beginning to get roughly handled; but the succour afforded by the -Pet and his party soon changed the aspect of affairs; and, after a brief -skirmish, there was a temporary cessation of hostilities. As -reinforcements poured in on either side, the mob which represented the -Town, wavered, and spread themselves across on each side of the High; -while a huge, lumbering bargeman, who appeared to be the generalissimo -of their forces, delivered himself of a brief but energetic speech, in -which he delivered his opinion of Gownsmen in general, and his immediate -foes in particular, in a way which would have to be expressed in proper -print chiefly by blanks, and which would have assuredly entailed upon -him a succession of five-shilling fines, had he been in a court of -justice, and before a magistrate. - -"Here's a pretty blank, I don't think!" he observed in conclusion, as he -pointed to Mr. Verdant Green, who was nervously settling his spectacles, -and wishing himself safe back in his own rooms; "I would'nt give a blank -for such a blank blank. I'm blank, if he don't look as though he'd -swaller'd a blank codfish, and had bust out into blank barnacles!" As -the Bargee was apparently regarded by his party as a gentleman of -infinite humour, his highly-flavoured blank remarks were received by -them with shouts of laughter; while our hero obtained far more of the -_digito monstrari_ share of public notice than he wished for. - -[Illustration] - -For some brief space, the warfare between the rival parties of Town and -Gown continued to be one merely of words--a mutual discharge of _epea -pteroenta_ (_vulgariter_ "chaff"), in which a small amount of sarcasm -was mingled with a large share of vituperation. At length, a slang rhyme -of peculiar offensiveness was used to a Wadham gentleman, which so -exasperated him that he immediately, by way of a forcible reply, sent -his fist full into the speaker's face. On this, a collision took place -between those who formed the outside of the crowd; and the Gowns flocked -together to charge _en masse_. Mr. Verdant Green was not quite aware of -this sudden movement, and, for a moment, was cut off from the rest. This -did not escape the eyes of the valiant Bargee, who had already singled -out our hero as the one whom he could most easily punish, with the least -chance of getting quick returns for his small profits. Forthwith, -therefore, he rushed to his victim, and aimed a heavy blow at him, which -Verdant only half avoided by stooping. Instinctively doubling his fists, -our hero found that Necessity was, indeed, the mother of Invention; and, -with a passing thought of what would be his mother's and Aunt Virginia's -feelings could they see him fighting in the public streets with a common -bargeman, he contrived to guard off the second blow. But at the next -furious lunge of the Bargee he was not quite so fortunate, and, -receiving that gentleman's heavy fist full in his forehead, he -staggered backwards, and was only prevented from measuring his length on -the pavement by falling against the iron gates of St. Mary's. The -delighted Bargee was just on the point of putting the _coup de grâce_ to -his attack, when, to Verdant's inexpressible delight and relief, his -lumbering antagonist was sent sprawling by a well-directed blow on his -right ear. Charles Larkyns, who had kept a friendly eye on our hero, had -spied his condition, and had sprung to his assistance. He was closely -followed by the Pet, who had divested himself of the gown which had -encumbered his shoulders, and was now freely striking out in all -directions. The fight had become general, and fresh combatants had -sprung up on either side. - -"Keep close to me, Verdant," said Charles Larkyns,--quite unnecessarily, -by the way, as our hero had no intention of doing otherwise until he saw -a way to escape; "keep close to me, and I'll take care you are not -hurt." - -[Illustration] - -"Here ye are!" cried the Pet, as he set his back against the stone-work -flanking the iron gates of the church, immediately in front of one of -the curiously twisted pillars of the Porch;[6] "come on, half a dozen of -ye, and let me have a rap at your smellers!" and he looked at the mob in -the "Come one, come all defiant" fashion of Fitz-James; while Charles -Larkyns and Verdant set their backs against the church gates, and -prepared for a rush. - -The Bargee came up furious, and hit out wildly at Charles Larkyns; but -science was more than a match for brute force; and, after receiving two -or three blows which caused him to shake his head in a don't-like-it -sort of way, he endeavoured to turn his attention to Mr. Verdant Green, -who, with head in air, was taking the greatest care of his spectacles, -and endeavouring to ward off the indiscriminate lunges of half a dozen -townsmen. The Bargee's charitable designs on our hero were, however, -frustrated by the opportune appearance of Mr. Blades and Mr. Cheke, the -gentleman-commoner of Corpus, who, in their turn, were closely followed -by Mr. Smalls and Mr. Flexible Shanks; and Mr. Blades exclaiming, -"There's a smasher for your ivories, my fine fellow!" followed up his -remark with a practical application of his fist to the part referred to; -whereupon the Bargee fell back with a howl, and gave vent to several -curse-ory observations, and blank remarks. - -[Illustration] - -All this time the Pet was laying about him in the most determined -manner; and, to judge from his professional observations, his scientific -acquirements were in full play. He had agreeable remarks for each of his -opponents; and, doubtless, the punishment which they received from his -stalwart arms came with more stinging force when the parts affected were -pointed out by his illustrative language. To one gentleman he would -pleasantly observe, as he tapped him on the chest, "Bellows to mend for -you, my buck!" or else, "There's a regular rib-roaster for you!" or -else, in the still more elegant imagery of the Bing, "There's a -squelcher in the bread-basket, that'll stop _your_ dancing, my kivey!" -While to another he would cheerfully remark, "Your head-rails were -loosened there, wasn't they?" or, "How about the kissing-trap?" or, -"That draws the bung from the beer-barrel I'm a thinkin'." While to -another he would say, as a fact not to be disputed, "You napp'd it -heavily on your whisker-bed, didn't you?" or, "That'll raise a tidy -mouse on your ogle, my lad!" or, "That'll take the bark from your -nozzle, and distil the Dutch pink for you, won't it?" While to another -he would mention as an interesting item of news, "Now we'll tap your -best October!" or, "There's a crack on your snuff-box!" or, "That'll -damage your potato-trap!" Or else he would kindly inquire of one -gentleman, "What d'ye ask a pint for your cochineal dye?" or would -amiably recommend another that, as his peepers were a goin' fast, he'd -best put up the shutters, because the early-closing movement ought to be -follered out. All this was done in the cheeriest manner; while, at the -same time, the Pet proved himself to be not only a perfect master of his -profession, but also a skilful adept in those figures of speech, or -"nice derangements of epitaphs," as Mrs. Malaprop calls them, in which -the admirers of the fistic art so much delight. At every blow, a fresh -opponent either fell or staggered off; the supremacy of the Pet was -complete, and his claim to be considered a Professor of the noble and -manly art of Self-defence was triumphantly established. "The Putney Pet" -was a decidedly valuable acquisition to the side of Gown. - -Soon the crowd became thinner, as those of the Town who liked to give, -but not to receive hard blows, stole off to other quarters; and the Pet -and his party would have been left peaceably to themselves. But this was -not what they wanted, as long as fighting was going on elsewhere; even -Mr. Verdant Green began to feel desperately courageous as the Town took -to their heels, and fled; and, having performed prodigies of valour in -almost knocking down a small cad who had had the temerity to attack him, -our hero felt himself to be a hero indeed, and announced his intention -of pursuing the mob, and sticking close to Charles Larkyns,--taking -especial care to do the latter. - - "All the savage soul of _fight_ was up;" - -and the Gown following the scattered remnant of the flying Town, ran -them round by All Saints' Church, and up the Turl. - -Here another Town and Gown party had fought their way from the -Corn-market; and the Gown, getting considerably the worst of the -conflict, had taken refuge within Exeter College by the express order of -the Senior Proctor, the Rev. Thomas Tozer, more familiarly known as "old -Towzer." He had endeavoured to assert his proctorial authority over the -mob of the townspeople; but the _profanum vulgus_ had not only scoffed -and jeered him, but had even torn his gown, and treated his velvet -sleeves with the indignity of mud; while the only fireworks which had -been exhibited on that evening had been let off in his very face. Pushed -on, and hustled by the mob, and only partially protected by his Marshal -and Bull-dogs,[7] he was saved from further indignity by the arrival of -a small knot of Gownsmen, who rushed to his rescue. Their number was too -small, however, to make head against the mob, and the best that they -could do was to cover the Proctor's retreat. Now, the Rev. Thomas Tozer -was short, and inclined to corpulence, and, although not wanting for -courage, yet the exertion of defending himself from a superior force, -was not only a fruitless one, but was, moreover, productive of much -unpleasantness and perspiration. Deeming, therefore, that discretion was -the better part of valour, he fled, (like those who tended, or _ought_ -to have attended to, the flocks of Mr. Norval, Sen.) - - "for safety and for succour;" - -and, being rather short of the necessary article of wind, by the time -that he had reached Exeter College, he had barely breath enough left to -tell the porter to keep the gate shut until he had assembled a body of -Gownsmen to assist him in capturing those daring ringleaders of the mob -who had set his authority at defiance. This was soon done; the call to -arms was made, and every Exeter man who was not already out, ran to "old -Towzer's" assistance. - -"Now, Porter," said Mr. Tozer, "unbar the gate without noise, and I will -look forth to observe the position of the mob. Gentlemen, hold -yourselves in readiness to secure the ringleaders." - -The porter undid the wicket, and the Rev. Thomas Tozer cautiously put -forth his head. It was a rash act; for, no sooner had his nose appeared -round the edge of the wicket, than it received a flattening blow from -the fist of an active gentleman who, like a clever cricketer, had been -on the lookout for an opportunity to get in to his adversary's wicket. - -"Oh, this is painful! this is very painful!" ejaculated Mr. Tozer, as he -rapidly drew in his head. "Close the wicket directly, porter, and keep -it fast." It was like closing the gates of Hougomont. The active -gentleman who had damaged Mr. Tozer's nose threw himself against the -wicket, his comrades assisted him, and the porter had some difficulty in -obeying the Proctor's orders. - -"Oh, this is painful!" murmured the Rev. Thomas Tozer, as he applied a -handkerchief to his bleeding nose; "this is painful, this is very -painful! this is exceedingly painful, gentlemen!" - -He was immediately surrounded by sympathising undergraduates, who begged -him to allow them at once to charge the Town; but "old Towzer's" spirit -seemed to have been aroused by the indignity to which he had been forced -so publicly to submit, and he replied that, as soon as the bleeding had -ceased, he would lead them forth in person. An encouraging cheer -followed this courageous resolve, and was echoed from without by the -derisive applause of the Town. - -[Illustration] - -When Mr. Tozer's nose had ceased to bleed, the signal was given for the -gates to be thrown open; and out rushed Proctor, Marshall, Bull-dogs, -and undergraduates. The Town was in great force, and the fight became -desperate. To the credit of the Town, be it said, they discarded -bludgeons and stones, and fought, in John Bull fashion, with their -fists. Scarcely a Stick was to be seen. Singling out his man, Mr. Tozer -made at him valiantly, supported by his Bull-dogs, and a small band of -Gownsmen. But the heavy gown and velvet sleeves were a grievous -hindrance to the Proctor's prowess; and, although supported on either -side by his two attendant Bull-dogs, yet the weight of his robes made -poor Mr. Tozer almost as harmless as the blind King of Bohemia between -his two faithful knights at the battle of Crecy; and, as each of the -party had to look to, and fight for himself, the Senior Proctor soon -found himself in an awkward predicament. - -The cry of "Gown to the rescue!" therefore, fell pleasantly on his ears; -and the reinforcement headed by Mr. Charles Larkyns and his party, -materially improved the aspect of affairs on the side of Gown. Knocking -down a cowardly fellow, who was using his heavy-heeled boots on the body -of a prostrate undergraduate, Mr. Blades, closely followed by the Pet, -dashed in to the Proctor's assistance; and never in a Town and Gown was -assistance more timely rendered; for the Rev. Thomas Tozer had just -received his first knock-down blow! By the help of Mr. Blades the fallen -chieftain was quickly replaced upon his legs; while the Pet stepped -before him, and struck out skilfully right and left. Ten more minutes of -scientific pugilism, and the fate of the battle was decided. The Town -fled every way; some round the corner by Lincoln College; some up the -Turl towards Trinity; some down Ship Street; and some down by Jesus -College, and Market Street. A few of the more resolute made a stand in -Broad Street; but it was of no avail; and they received a sound -punishment at the hands of the Gown, on the spot, where, some three -centuries before, certain mitred Gownsmen had bravely suffered -martyrdom.[8] - -Now, the Rev. Thomas Tozer was a strict disciplinarian, and, although he -had so materially benefited by the Pet's assistance, yet, when he -perceived that that pugilistic gentleman was not possessed of the full -complement of academical attire, the duties of the Proctor rose superior -to the gratitude of the Man; and, with all the sternness of an ancient -Roman Father, he said to the Pet, "Why have you not on your gown, sir?" - -[Illustration] - -"I ax your pardon, guv'nor!" replied the Pet, deferentially; "I didn't -so much care about the mortar-board, but I couldn't do nothin' nohow -with the t'other thing, so I pocketted him; but some cove must have gone -and prigged him, for he ain't here." - -"I am unable to comprehend the nature of your language, sir," observed -the Rev. Thomas Tozer, angrily; for, what with his own excitement, and -the shades of evening which had stolen over and obscured the Pet's -features, he was unable to read that gentleman's character and -profession in his face, and therefore came to the conclusion that he was -being chaffed by some impudent undergraduate. "I dou't in the least -understand you, sir; but I desire at once to know your name, and -College, sir!" - -The Putney Pet stared. If the Rev. Thomas Tozer had asked him for the -name of his Academy, he would have been able to have referred him to his -spacious and convenient Sparring Academy, 5, Cribb Court, Drury Lane; -but the enquiry for his "College," was, in the language of his -profession, a "regular floorer." Mr. Blades, however, stepped forward, -and explained matters to the Proctor, in a satisfactory manner. - -"Well, well!" said the pacified Mr. Tozer to the Pet; "you have used -your skill very much to our advantage, and displayed pugilistic powers -not unworthy of the athletes, and xystics of the noblest days of Rome. -As a palæstrite you would have gained palms in the gymnastic exercises -of the Circus Maximus. You might even have proved a formidable rival to -Dares, who, as you, Mr. Blades, will remember, caused the death of -Butes at Hector's tomb. You will remember, Mr. Blades, that Virgil -makes mention of his 'humeros latos' and says:-- - - "'Nec quisquam ex agmine tanto - Audet adire virum, manibusque inducere cæstus;'[9] - -"which, in our English idiom, would signify, that every one was afraid to -put on the gloves with him. And, as your skill," resumed Mr. Tozer, -turning to the Pet, "has been exercised in defence of my person, and in -upholding the authority of the University, I will overlook your offence -in assuming that portion of the academical attire, to which you gave the -offensive epithet of "mortar-board;" more especially, as you acted at -the suggestion and bidding of those who ought to have known better. And -now, go home, sir, and resume your customary head-dress; and--stay! -here's five shillings for you." - -"I'm much obleeged to you, guv'nor," said the Pet, who had been -listening with considerable surprise to the Proctor's quotations and -comparisons, and wondering whether the gentleman named Dares, who caused -the death of beauties, was a member of the P.R., and whether they made -it out a case of manslaughter against him? and if the gaining palms in a -circus was the customary "flapper-shaking" before "toeing the scratch -for business?"--"I'm much obleeged to you, guv'nor," said the Pet, as he -made a scrape with his leg; "and, whenever you _does_ come up to London, -I 'ope you'll drop in at Cribb Court, and have a turn with the gloves!" -And the Pet, very politely, handed one of his professional cards to the -Rev. Thomas Tozer. - -A little later than this, a very jovial supper party might have been -seen assembled in a principal room at "the Roebuck." To enable them to -be back within their college walls, and save their gates, before the -hour of midnight should arrive, the work of consuming the grilled bones -and welch-rabbits was going on with all reasonable speed, the heavier -articles being washed down by draughts of "heavy." After the cloth was -withdrawn, several songs of a miscellaneous character were sung by "the -professional gentlemen present," including, "by particular request," the -celebrated "Marble Halls" song of our hero, which was given with more -coherency than on a previous occasion, but was no less energetically led -in its "you-loved-me-still-the-same" chorus by Mr. Bouncer. The Pet was -proudly placed on the right hand of the chairman, Mr. Blades; and, when -his health was proposed, "with many thanks to him for the gallant and -plucky manner in which he had led on the Gown to a glorious victory," -the "three times three," and the "one cheer more," and the "again," and -"again," and the "one other little un!" were uproariously given (as Mr. -Foote expressed it) "by the whole strength of the company, assisted by -Messrs. Larkyns, Smalls, Fosbrooke, Flexible Shanks, Cheke, and Verdant -Green." - -The forehead of the last-named gentleman was decorated with a patch of -brown paper, from which arose an aroma, as though of vinegar. The battle -of "Town and Gown" was over; and Mr. Verdant Green was among the number -of the wounded. - -FOOTNOTES: - -[2] Town and Gown disturbances are of considerable antiquity. Fuller and -Matthew Paris give accounts of some which occurred as early as the year -1238. These disputes not unfrequently terminated fatally to some of the -combatants. One of the most serious Town and Gown rows on record took -place on the day of St. Scholastica the Virgin, February 10th, 1345, -when several lives were lost on either side. The University was at that -time in the Lincoln diocese; and Grostête, the Bishop, placed the -townspeople under an interdict, from which they were not released till -1357, and then only on condition that the mayor and sixty of the chief -burgesses should, on every anniversary of the day of St. Scholastica, -attend St. Mary's Church and offer up mass for the souls of the slain -scholars; and should also individually present an offering of one penny -at the high altar. They, moreover, paid a yearly fine of 100 marks to -the University, with the penalty of an additional fine of the same sum -for every omission in attending at St. Mary's. This continued up to the -time of the Reformation, when it gradually fell into abeyance. In the -fifteenth year of Elizabeth, however, the University asserted their -claim to all arrears. The matter being brought to trial, it was decided -that the town should continue the annual fine and penance, though the -arrears were forgiven. The fine was yearly paid on the 10th of February -up to our own time: the mayor and chief burgesses attended at St. -Mary's, and made the offering at the conclusion of the litany, which, on -that occasion, was read from the altar. Thia was at length put an end to -by Convocation in the year 1825. - -[3] Corrupted by Oxford pronunciation (which makes Magdalen _Maudlin_ -into St _Old's_.) - -[4] "A Bachelor of Arts," Act I. - -[5] The great bell of Christ Church. It tolls 101 times each evening at -ten minutes past nine o'clock (there being 101 students on the -foundation) and marks the time for the closing of the college gates. -"Tom" is one of the lions of Oxford. It formerly belonged to Oseney -Abbey, and weighs about 17,000 pounds, being more than double the weight -of the great bell of St. Paul's. - -[6] The porch was erected in 1637 by order of Archbishop Laud. In the -centre of the porch is a statue of the Virgin with the Child in her -arms, holding a small crucifix; which at the time of its erection gave -such offence to the Puritans that it was included in the articles of -impeachment against the Archbishop. The statue remains to this day. - -[7] The Marshal is the Proctor's chief officer. The name of 'Bull-dogs' -is given to the two inferior officers who attend the Proctor in his -nightly rounds. - -[8] The _exact_ spot where Archbishop Cranmer and Bishops Ridley and -Latimer suffered martyrdom is not known. "The most likely supposition -is, that it was in the town ditch, the site of which is now occupied by -the houses in Broad Street, which are immediately opposite the gateway -of Balliol College, or the footpath in front of them, where an extensive -layer of wood-ashes is known to remain."--(Parker.) - -[9] Æn., Book v., 378. - - - - -CHAPTER V. - -MR. VERDANT GREEN IS FAVOURED WITH MR. BOUNCER'S OPINIONS REGARDING AN -UNDERGRADUATE'S EPISTOLARY COMMUNICATIONS TO HIS MATERNAL RELATIVE. - - -[Illustration] - -"Come in, whoever you are! don't mind the dogs!" shouted little Mr. -Bouncer, as he lay, in an extremely inelegant attitude, in a red morocco -chair, which was considerably the worse for wear, chiefly on account of -the ill-usage it had to put up with, in being made to represent its -owner's antagonist, whenever Mr. Bouncer thought fit to practise his -fencing. "Oh! it's you and Giglamps, is it, Charley? I'm just refreshing -myself with a weed, for I've been desperately hard at work." - -"What! Harry Bouncer devoting himself to study! But this is the age of -wonders," said Charles Larkyns, who entered the room in company with Mr. -Verdant Green, whose forehead still betrayed the effects of the blow he -had received a few nights before. - -[Illustration] - -"It ain't reading that I meant," replied Mr. Bouncer, "though that -always _does_ floor me, and no mistake! and what's the use of their -making us peg away so at Latin and Greek, I can't make out. When I go -out into society, I don't want to talk about those old Greek and Latin -birds that they make us get up. I don't want to ask any old dowager I -happen to fall in with at a tea-fight, whether she believes all the -crammers that Herodotus tells us, or whether she's well up in the -naughty tales and rummy nuisances that we have to pass no end of our -years in getting by heart. And when I go to a ball, and do the light -fantastic, I don't want to ask my partner what she thinks about -Euripides, or whether she prefers Ovid's Metamorphoses to Ovid's Art of -Love, and all that sort of thing; and as for requesting her to do me a -problem of Euclid, instead of working me any glorified slippers or -woolleries, I'd scorn the _h_action. I ain't like you, Charley, and I'm -not _guv_ in the classics: I saw too much of the beggars while I was at -Eton to take kindly to 'em; and just let me once get through my Greats, -and see if I don't precious soon drop the acquaintance of those old -classical parties!" - -"No you won't, old fellow!" said Charles Larkyns; "you'll find that -they'll stick to you through life, just like poor relations, and you -won't be able to shake them off. And you ought not to wish to do so, -more especially as, in the end, you will find them to have been very -rich relations." - -"A sort of 'O my prophetic soul, my uncle!' I suppose, Master Charley," -observed Mr. Bouncer; "but what I meant when I said that I had been hard -at work, was, that I had been writing a letter; and, though I say it -that ought not to say it, I flatter myself it's no end of a good -letter." - -"Is it a love-letter?" asked Charles Larkyns, who was leaning against -the mantelpiece, amusing himself with a cigar which he had taken from -Mr. Bouncer's box. - -"A love-letter?" replied the little gentleman, contemptuously--"my gum! -no; I should rayther think not! I may have done many foolish things in -my life, but I can't have the tender passion laid to my charge. No! I've -been writing my letter to the Mum: I always write to her once a term." -Mr. Bouncer, it must be observed, always referred to his maternal -relative (his father had been long dead) by the epithet of "the Mum." - -"Once a term!" said our hero, in a tone of surprise; "why I always write -home once or twice every week." - -"You don't mean to say so, Giglamps!" replied Mr. Bouncer, with -admiration. "Well, some fellers have what you call a genius for that sort -of thing, you see, though what you can find to tell 'em I can't imagine. -But if I'd gone at that pace I should have got right through the Guide -Book by this time, and then it would have been all U P, and I should -have been obleeged to have invented another dodge. You don't seem to -take, Giglamps?" - -"Well, I really don't know what you mean," answered our hero. - -"Why," continued Mr. Bouncer, "you see, there's only the Mum and Fanny at -home: Fanny's my sister, Giglamps--a regular stunner--just suit -you!--and they, you understand, don't care to hear about wines, and Town -and Gowns, and all that sort of thing; and, you see, I ain't inventive -and that, and can't spin a yarn about nothing; so, as soon as ever I -came up to Oxford, I invested money in a Guide Book; and I began at the -beginning, and I gave the Mum three pages of Guide Book in each letter. -Of course, you see, the Mum imagines it's all my own observation; and -she thinks no end of my letters, and says that they make her know Oxford -almost as well as if she lived here; and she, of course, makes a good -deal of me; and as Oxford's the place where I hang out, you see, she -takes an interest in reading something about the jolly old place." - -"Of course," observed Mr. Verdant Green; "my mamma--mother, at -least--and sisters, always take pleasure in hearing about Oxford; but -your plan never occurred to me." - -"It's a first-rater, and no mistake," said Mr. Bouncer, confidently, -"and saves a deal of trouble. I think of taking out a patent for -it--'Bouncer's Complete Letter-Writer'--or get some literary swell to -put it into a book, 'with a portrait of the inventor;' it would be sure -to sell. You see, it's what you call amusement blended with information; -and that's more than you can say of most men's letters to the Home -department." - -"Cocky Palmer's, for instance," said Charles Larkyns, "which always -contained a full, true, and particular account of his Wheatley doings. -He used to go over there, Verdant, to indulge in the noble sport of -cock-fighting, for which he had a most unamiable and unenviable -weakness; that was the reason why he was called 'Cocky' Palmer. His -elder brother--who was a Pembroke man--was distinguished by the pronomen -'Snuffy,' to express his excessive partiality for that titillating -compound." - -"And Snuffy Palmer," remarked Mr. Bouncer, "was a long sight better -feller than Cocky, who was in the very worst set in Brazenface. But -Cocky did the Wheatley dodge once too often, and it was a good job for -the King of Oude when his friend Cocky came to grief, and had to take -his name off the books." - -"You look as though you wanted a translation of this," said Charles -Larkyns to our hero, who had been listening to the conversation with -some wonderment,--understanding about as much of it as many persons who -attend the St. James's Theatre understand the dialogue of the French -Plays. "There are College _cabalia_, as well as Jewish; and College -surnames are among these. 'The King of Oude' was a man of the name of -Towlinson, who always used to carry into Hall with him a bottle of '_the -King of Oxide's Sauce_,' for which he had some mysterious liking, and -without which he professed himself unable to get through his dinner. At -one time he was a great friend of Cocky Palmer's, and used to go with -him to the cock-fights at Wheatley--that village just on the other side -Shotover Hill--where we did a 'constitutional' the other day. Cocky, as -our respected friend says, 'came to grief,' but was allowed to save -himself from expulsion by voluntarily, or rather in-voluntarily, taking -his name off the books. When his connection with Cocky had thus been -ruthlessly broken, 'the King' got into a better set, and retrieved his -character." - -"The moral of which, my beloved Giglamps," observed Mr. Bouncer, "is, -that there are as many sets of men in a College as there are of -quadrilles in a ball-room, and that it's just as easy to take your place -in one as it is in another; but, that when you've once taken up your -position, you'll find it ain't an easy thing, you see, to make a change -for yourself, till the set is broken up. Whereby, Giglamps, you may -comprehend what a grateful bird you ought to be, for Charley's having -put you into the best set in Brazenface." - -Mr. Verdant Green was heard to murmur, "sensible of honour,--grateful -for kindness,--endeavours to deserve,"--and the other broken sentiments -which are commonly made use of by gentlemen who get upon their legs to -return thanks for having been "tea-potted." - -"If you like to hear it," said Mr. Bouncer, "I'll read you my letter to -the Mum. It ain't very private; and I flatter myself, Giglamps, that -it'll serve you as a model." - -"Let's have it by all means, Harry," said Charles Larkyns. "It must be -an interesting document; and I am curious to hear what it is that you -consider a model for epistolary communication from an undergraduate to -his maternal relative." - -[Illustration] - -"Off she goes then;" observed Mr. Bouncer; "lend me your ears--list, -list, O list! as the recruiting-sergeant or some other feller says in -the Play. 'Now, my little dears! look straight for'ard--blow your noses, -and don't brathe on the glasses!'" and Mr. Bouncer read the letter, -interspersing it with explanatory observations:-- - -"'_My dearest mother,--I have been quite well since I left you, and I -hope you and Fanny have been equally salubrious._'--That's doing the -civil, you see: now we pass on to statistics.--'_We had rain the day -before yesterday, but we shall have a new moon to-night._'--You see, the -Mum always likes to hear about the weather, so I get that out of the -Almanack. Now we get on to the interesting part of the letter.--'_I will -now tell you a little about Merton College._'--That's where I had just -got to. We go right through the Guide Book, you understand.--'_The -history of this establishment is of peculiar importance, as exhibiting -the primary model of all the collegiate bodies in Oxford and Cambridge. -The statutes of Walter de Merton had been more or less copied by all -other founders in succession; and the whole constitution of both -Universities, as we now behold them, may be, not without reason, -ascribed to the liberality and munificence of this truly great -man._'--Truly great man! that's no end good, ain't it? observed Mr. -Bouncer, in the manner of the 'mobled queen is good' of Polonius.--'_His -sagacity and wisdom led him to profit by the spirit of the times; his -opulence enabled him to lay the foundation of a nobler system; and the -splendour of his example induced others, in subsequent ages, to raise a -superstructure at once attractive and solid._'--That's piling it up -mountaynious, ain't it?--'_The students were no longer dispersed through -the streets and lanes of the city, dwelling in insulated houses, halls, -inns, or hostels, subject to dubious control and precarious -discipline._'--That's stunnin', is'nt it? just like those Times fellers -write.--'_But placed under the immediate superintendence of tutors and -governors, and lodged in comfortable chambers. This was little less than -an academical revolution; and a new order of things may be dated from -this memorable era. Love to Fanny; and, believe me your affectionate -Son, Henry Bouncer._'--If the Mum don't say that's first-rate, I'm a -Dutchman! You see, I don't write very close, so that this respectably -fills up three sides of a sheet of note-paper. Oh, here's something over -the leaf. '_P.S. I hope Stump and Rowdy have got something for me, -because I want some tin very bad._' That's all! Well, Giglamps! don't -you call that quite a model letter for a University man to send to his -tender parient?" - -"It certainly contains some interesting information," said our hero, -with a Quaker-like indirectness of reply. - -"It seems to me, Harry," said Charles Larkyns, "that the pith of it, -like a lady's letter, lies in the postscript--the demand for money." - -"You see," observed the little gentleman in explanation, "Stump and -Rowdy are the beggars that have got all my property till I come of age -next year; and they only let me have money at certain times, because -it's what they facetiously call _tied-up_: though _why_ they've tied it -up, or _where_ they've tied it up, I hav'nt the smallest idea. So, -though I tick for nearly everything,--for men at College, Giglamps, go -upon tick as naturally as the crows do on the sheep's backs,--I -sometimes am rather hard up for ready dibs; and then I give the Mum a -gentlemanly hint of this, and she tips me. By-the-way," continued Mr. -Bouncer, as he re-read his postscript, "I must alter the word 'tin' into -'money'; or else she'll be taking it literally, just as she did with -the ponies. Know what a pony is, Giglamps?" - -"Why, of course I do," replied Mr. Verdant Green; "besides which, I have -kept one: he was an Exmoor pony,--a bay one, with a long tail." - -[Illustration] - -"Oh, Giglamps!' You'll be the death of me some fine day," faintly -exclaimed little Mr. Bouncer, as he slowly recovered from an exhausting -fit of laughter. "You're as bad as the Mum was. A pony means twenty-five -pound, old feller. But the Mum didn't know that; and when I wrote to her -and said, 'I'm very short; please to send me two ponies;' meaning, of -course, that I wanted fifty pound; what must she do, but write back and -say, that, with some difficulty, she had procured for me two Shetland -ponies, and that, as I was short, she hoped they would suit my size. -And, before I had time to send her another letter, the two little -beggars came. Well, I couldn't ride them both at once, like the fellers -do at Astley's; so I left one at Tollitt's, and I rode the other down -the High, as cool as a cucumber. You see, though I ain't a giant, and -that, yet I was big for the pony; and as Shelties are rum-looking little -beggars, I dare say we look'd rather queer and original. But the Proctor -happened to see me; and he cut up so doosed rough about it, that I -couldn't show on the Shelties any more; and Tollit was obliged to get -rid of them for me." - -"Well, Harry," said Charles Larkyns; "it is to Tollitt's that you must -now go, as you keep your horse there. We want you to join us in a ride." - -"What!" cried out Mr. Bouncer, "old Giglamps going outside an Oxford -hack once more! Why, I thought you'd made a vow never to do so again?" - -"Why, I certainly did so," replied Mr. Verdant Green; "but Charles -Larkyns, during the holidays--the vacation, at least--was kind enough to -take me out several rides; so I have had a great deal of practice since -last term." - -"And you don't require to be strapped on, or to get inside and pull down -the blinds?" inquired Mr. Bouncer. - -"Oh dear, no!" - -[Illustration] - -The fact was, that during the long vacation Charles Larkyns had paid -considerable attention to our hero's equestrian exercises; not so much, -it must be confessed, out of friendship for his friend, as that he might -have an opportunity of riding by the side of that friend's fair sister -Mary, for whom he entertained something more than a partiality. And -herein, probably, Mr. Charles Larkyns showed both taste and judgment. -For there may be many things less pleasant in this world than cantering -down a green Warwickshire lane--on some soft summer's day when the green -is greenest and the blossoms brightest--side by side with a charming -girl whose nature is as light and sunny as the summer air and the summer -sky. Pleasant it is to watch the flushing cheek glow rosier, than the -rosiest of all the briar-roses that stoop to kiss it. Pleasant it is to -look into the lustrous light of tender eyes; and to see the loosened -ringlets reeling with the motion of the ride. Pleasant it is to canter -on from lane to lane over soft moss, and springy turf, between the high -honeysuckle hedges, and the broad-branched beeches that meet overhead in -a tangled embrace. But pleasanter by far than all is it, to hug to one's -heart the darling fancy that she who is cantering on by your side in all -the witchery of her maiden beauty, holds you in her dearest thoughts, -and dowers you with all her wealth of love. Pleasant rides indeed, -pleasant fancies, and pleasant day-dreams, had the long vacation brought -to Charles Larkyns! - -"Well, come along, Verdant," said Mr. Larkyns, "we'll go to Charley -Symonds' and get our hacks. You can meet us, Harry, just over the -Maudlin Bridge; and we'll have a canter along the Henley road." - -So Mr. Verdant Green and his friend walked into Holywell Street, and -passed under the archway up to Symonds' stables. But the nervous -trepidation which our hero had felt in the same place on a previous -occasion returned with full force when his horse was led out in an -exuberantly playful and "fresh" condition. The beast he had bestridden -during his long vacation rides, with his sister and his (and sister's) -friend, was a cob-like steed, whose placidity of temper was fully -equalled by its gravity of demeanour; and who would as soon have thought -of flying over a five-bar gate as he would of kicking up his respectable -heels both behind and before in the low-lived manner recorded of the -Ethiopian "Old Joe." But, if "Charley Symonds'" hacks had been of this -pacific and easy-going kind, it is highly probable that Mr. C. S. and -his stud would not have acquired that popularity which they had -deservedly achieved. For it seems to be a _sine-quâ-non_ with an Oxford -hack, that to general showiness of exterior, it must add the power of -enduring any amount of hard riding and rough treatment in the course of -the day which its _pro-tem._ proprietor may think fit to inflict upon -it; it being an axiom which has obtained, as well in Universities as in -other places, that it is of no advantage to hire a hack unless you get -out of him as much as you can for your money, you won't want to use him -to-morrow, so you don't care about over-riding him to-day. - -[Illustration] - -But, all this time, Mr. Verdant Green is drawing on his gloves, in the -nervous manner that tongue-tied gentlemen go through the same -performance during the conversational spasms of the first-set of -Quadrilles; the groom is leading out the exuberantly playful quadruped -on whose back Mr. Verdant Green is to disport himself; Charles Larkyns -is mounted; the November sun is shining brightly on the perspective of -the yard and stables, and the tower of New College; the dark archway -gives one a peep of Holywell Street; while the cold blue sky is flecked -with gleaming pigeons. - -At last, Mr. Verdant Green has scrambled into his saddle, and is riding -cautiously down the yard, while his heart beats in an alarming -alarum-like way. As they ride under the archway, there, in the little -room underneath it, is Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, selecting his -particular tandem-whip from a group of some two score of similar whips -kept there in readiness for their respective owners. - -"Charley, you're a beast!" says Mr. Fosbrooke, politely addressing -himself to Mr. Larkyns; "I wanted Bouncer to come with me in the cart to -Abingdon, and I find that the little man is engaged to you." Upon which, -Mr. Fosbrooke playfully raising his tandem-whip, Mr. Verdant Green's -horse plunges, and brings his rider's head into concussion with the lamp -which hangs within the gateway; whereupon, the hat falls off, and our -hero is within an ace of following his hat's example. - -[Illustration] - -By a powerful exertion, however, he recovers his proper position in the -saddle, and proceeds in an agitated and jolted condition, by Charles -Larkyns's side, down Holywell Street, past the Music Room,[10] and round -by the Long Wall, and over Magdalen Bridge. Here they are soon joined by -Mr. Bouncer, mounted, according to the custom of small men, on one of -Tollitt's tallest horses, of ever-so-many hands high. As by this time -our hero has got more accustomed to his steed, his courage gradually -returns, and he rides on with his companions very pleasantly, enjoying -the magnificent distant view of his University. When they have passed -Cowley, some very tempting fences are met with; and Mr. Bouncer and Mr. -Larkyns, being unable to resist their fascinations, put their horses at -them, and leap in and out of the road in an insane Vandycking kind of -way; while an excited agriculturist, whose smock-frock heaves with -indignation, pours down denunciations on their heads. - -"Blow that bucolical party!" says Mr. Bouncer; "he's no right to -interfere with the enjoyments of the animals. If they break the fences, -it ain't their faults; it's the fault of the farmers for not making the -fences strong enough to bear them. Come along, Giglamps! put your beast -at that hedge! he'll take you over as easy as if you were sitting in an -arm-chair." - -[Illustration] - -But Mr. Verdant Green has doubts about the performance of this piece of -equestrian upholstery; and, thinking that the arm-chair would soon -become a reclining one, he is firm in his refusal to put the leaping -powers of his steed to the test. But having, afterwards, obtained some -"jumping powder" at a certain small road-side hostelry to which Mr. -Bouncer has piloted the party, our hero, on his way back to Oxford, -screws up his courage sufficiently to gallop his steed desperately at a -ditch which yawns, a foot wide, before him. But to his immense -astonishment--not to say, disgust--the obtuse-minded quadruped gives a -leap which would have taken him clear over a canal; and our hero, not -being prepared for this very needless display of agility, flies off the -saddle at a tangent, and finds that his "vaulting ambition," had -o'erleap'd itself, and fallen on the other side--of the ditch. - -"It ain't your fault, Giglamps!" says Mr. Bouncer, when he has galloped -after Verdant's steed, and has led it up to him, and when he has -ascertained that his friend is not in the least hurt; but has only -broken--his glasses; "it ain't your fault, Giglamps, old feller! it's -the clumsiness of the hack. He tossed you up, and could'nt catch you -again!" - -And so our hero rides back to Oxford. But, before the Term has ended, he -has become more accustomed to Oxford hacks, and has made himself -acquainted with the respective merits of the stables of Messrs. Symonds, -Tollitt, and Pigg; and has, moreover, ridden with the drag, and, in this -way, hunted the fabled foxes of Bagley Wood, and Whichwood Forest. - - - - -CHAPTER VI. - -MR. VERDANT GREEN FEATHERS HIS OARS WITH SKILL AND DEXTERITY. - - -November is not always the month of fog and mist and dulness. Oftentimes -there are brilliant exceptions to that generally-received rule of -depressing weather, which, in this month (according to our lively -neighbours), induces the natives of our English metropolis to leap in -crowds from the Bridge of Waterloo. There are in November, days of calm -beauty, which are peculiar to that month--that kind of calm beauty which -is so often seen as the herald of decay. - -[Illustration] - -But, whatever weather the month may bring to Oxford, it never brings -gloom or despondency to Oxford men. They are a happily constituted set -of beings, and can always create their own amusements; they crown -Minerva with flowers without heeding her influenza, and never seem to -think that the rosy-bosomed Hours may be laid up with bronchitis. Winter -and summer appear to be pretty much the same to them: reading and -recreation go hand-in-hand all the year round; and, among other -pleasures, that of boating finds as many votaries in cold November, as -it did in sunny June--indeed, the chilness of the air, in the former -month, gives zest to an amusement which degenerates to hard labour in -the dog-days. The classic Isis in the month of November, therefore, -whenever the weather is anything like favourable, presents an animated -scene. Eight-oars pass along, the measured pull of the oars in the -rowlocks marking the time in musical cadence with their plashing dip in -the water; perilous skiffs flit like fire-flies over the glassy surface -of the river; men lounge about in the house-boats and barges, or gather -together at King's, or Hall's, and industriously promulgate small talk -and tobacco-smoke. All is gay and bustling. Although the feet of the -strollers in the Christ-Church meadows rustle through the sere and -yellow leaf, yet rich masses of brown and russet foliage still hang upon -the trees, and light up into gold in the sun. The sky is of a cold but -bright blue; the distant hills and woods are mellowed into sober -purplish-gray tints, but over them the sun looks down with that peculiar -red glow which is only seen in November. - -[Illustration] - -It was one of these bright days of "the month of gloom," that Mr. -Verdant Green and Mr. Charles Larkyns being in the room of their friend, -Mr. Bouncer, the little gentleman inquired, "Now then! what are you two -fellers up to? I'm game for anything, I am! from pitch-and-toss to -manslaughter." - -"I'm afraid," said Charles Larkyns, "that we can't accommodate you in -either amusement, although we are going down to the river, with which -Verdant wishes to renew his acquaintance. Last term, you remember, you -picked him up in the Gut, when he had been played with at pitch-and-toss -in a way that very nearly resembled manslaughter." - -"I remember, I remember, how old Giglamps floated by!" said Mr. Bouncer; -"you looked like a half-bred mermaid Giglamps." - -"But the gallant youth," continued Mr. Larkyns, "undismayed by the -perils from which he was then happily preserved, has boldly come forward -and declared himself a worshipper of Isis, in a way worthy of the -ancient Egyptians, or of Tom Moore's Epicurean." - -"Well! stop a minute you fellers," said Mr. Bouncer; "I must have my beer -first: I can't do without my Bass relief. I'm like the party in the old -song, and I likes a drop of good beer." And as he uncorked a bottle of -Bass, little Mr. Bouncer sang, in notes as musical as those produced -from his own tin horn-- - - "'Twixt wet and dry I always try - Between the extremes to steer; - Though I always shrunk from getting----intoxicated, - I was always fond of my beer! - For I likes a drop of good beer! - I'm particularly partial to beer! - Porter and swipes - Always give me the----stomach-ache! - But that's never the case with beer!" - -"Bravo, Harry!" cried Charles Larkyns; "you roar us an' twere any -nightingale. It would do old Bishop Still's heart good to hear you; and -'sure _I_ think, that _you_ can drink with any that wears a hood,' or -that _will_ wear a hood when you take your Bachelor's, and put on your -gown." And Charles Larkyns sang, rather more musically than Mr. Bouncer -had done, from that song which, three centuries ago, the Bishop had -written in praise of good ale,-- - - Let back and side go bare, go bare, - Both hand and foot go cold: - But, belly, God send thee good ale enough, - Whether it be new or old. - -[Illustration] - -They were soon down at the river side, where Verdant was carefully put -into a tub (alas! the dear, awkward, safe, old things are fast passing -away; they are giving place to suicidal skiffs, and will soon be -numbered among the boats of other days!)--and was started off with -almost as much difficulty as on his first essay. The tub--which was, -indeed, his old friend the _Sylph_,--betrayed an awkward propensity for -veering round towards Folly Bridge, which our hero at first failed to -overcome; and it was not until he had performed a considerable amount of -crab-catching, that he was enabled to steer himself in the proper -direction. Charles Larkyns had taken his seat in an outrigger skiff (so -frail and shaky that it made Verdant nervous to look at it), and, with -one or two powerful strokes, had shot ahead, backed water, turned, and -pulled back round the tub long before Verdant had succeeded in passing -that eccentric mansion, to which allusion has before been made, as -possessing in the place of cellars, an ingenious system of small rivers -to thoroughly irrigate its foundation--a hydropathic treatment which may -(or may not) be agreeable in Venice, but strikes one as being decidedly -cold and comfortless when applied to Oxford,--at any rate, in the month -of November. Walking on the lawn which stretched from this house -towards the river, our hero espied two extremely pretty young ladies, -whose hearts he endeavoured at once to take captive by displaying all -his powers in that elegant exercise in which they saw him engaged. It -may reasonably be presumed that Mr. Verdant Green's hopes were doomed to -be blighted. - -Let us leave him, and take a look at Mr. Bouncer. - -Mr. Bouncer had been content to represent the prowess of his college in -the cricket-field, and had never aspired to any fame as an oar. The -exertions, as well as the fame, of aquatic honours, he had left to Mr. -Blades, and those others like him, who considered it a trifle to pull -down to Iffley and back again, two or three times a day, at racing pace -with a fresh spurt put on every five minutes. Mr. Bouncer, too, had an -antipathy to eat beefsteaks otherwise than in the state in which they -are usually brought to table; and, as it seemed a _sine quâ non_ with -the gentleman who superintended the training for the boat-races, that -his pupils should daily devour beefsteaks which had merely looked at the -fire, Mr. Bouncer, not having been brought up to cannibal habits, was -unable to conform himself to this, and those other vital principles -which seemed to regulate the science of aquatic training. The little -gentleman moreover, did not join with the "Torpids" (as the second boats -of a college are called), either, because he had a soul above them,--he -would be _aut Cæsar, aut nullus_; either in the eight, or nowhere,--or -else, because even the Torpids would cause him more trouble and -pleasurable pain than would be agreeable to him. When Mr. Bouncer sat -down on any hard substance, he liked to be able to do so without -betraying any emotion that the action caused him personal discomfort; -and he had noticed that many of the Torpids--not to mention one or two -of the eight--were more particular than young men usually are about -having a very easy, soft, and yielding chair to sit on. - -Mr. Bouncer, too, was of opinion that continued blisters were both -unsightly and unpleasant; and that rawness was bad enough when taken in -conjunction with beefsteaks, without being extended to one's own hands. -He had also a summer passion for ices and creams, which were forbidden -luxuries to one in training,--although (paradoxical as it may seem to -say so) they trained, on Isis! He had also acquired a bad habit of -getting up in one day, and going to bed in the next,--keeping late -hours, and only rising early when absolutely compelled to do so in order -to keep morning chapel--a habit which the trainer would have interfered -with, considerably to the little gentleman's advantage. He had also an -amiable weakness for pastry, port, claret, "et _hock_ genus omne;" and -would have felt it a cruelty to have been deprived of his daily modicum -of "smoke;" and in all these points, boat-training would have materially -interfered with his comfort. - -Mr. Bouncer, therefore, amused himself equally as much to his own -satisfaction as if he had been one of the envied eight, by occasionally -paddling about with Charles Larkyns in an old pair-oar, built by Davis -and King, and bought by Mr. Bouncer of its late Brazenfacian proprietor, -when that gentleman, after a humorous series of plucks, rustications, -and heavy debts, had finally been compelled to migrate to the King's -Bench, for that purification of purse and person commonly designated -"whitewashing." When Charles Larkyns and his partner did not use their -pair-oar, the former occupied his outrigger skiff; and the latter, -taking Huz and Buz on board a sailing boat, tacked up and down the river -with great skill, the smoke gracefully curling from his meerschaum or -short black pipe,--for Mr. Bouncer disapproved of smoking cigars at -those times when the wind would have assisted him to get through them. - -[Illustration] - -"Hullo, Giglamps! here we are! as the clown says in the pantermime," -sung out the little gentleman as he came up with our hero, who was -performing some extraordinary feats in full sight of the University -crew, who were just starting from their barge; "you get no end of -exercise out of your tub, I should think, by the style you work those -paddles: They go in and out beautiful! Splish, splash; splish, splash! -You must be one of the _wherry_ identical Row-brothers-row, whose -voices kept tune and whose oars kept time, you know. You ought to go and -splish-splash in the Freshman's River, Giglamps;--but I forgot--you -ain't a freshman now, are you, old feller? Those swells in the -University boats look as though they were bursting with envy--not to -say, with laughter," added Mr. Bouncer, _sotto voce_. "Who taught you to -do the dodge in such a stunning way, Giglamps?" - -"Why, last term, Charles Larkyns did," responded Mr. Verdant Green, with -the freshness of a Freshman still lingering lovingly upon him. "I've not -forgotten what he told me,--to put in my oar deep, and to bring it out -with a jerk. But though I make them go as deep as I can, and jerk them -out as much as possible, yet the boat _will_ keep turning round, and I -can't keep it straight at all; and the oars are very heavy and -unmanageable, and keep slipping out of the rowlocks--" - -"Commonly called _rullochs_," put in Mr. Bouncer, as a parenthetical -correction, or marginal note on Mr. Verdant Green's words. - -"And when the Trinity boat went by, I could scarcely get out of their -way; and they said very unpleasant things to me; and, altogether, I can -assure you that it has made me very hot." - -"And a capital thing, too, Giglamps, this cold November day," said Mr. -Bouncer; "I'm obliged to keep my coppers warm with this pea-coat, and my -pipe. Charley came alongside me just now, on purpose to fire off one of -his poetical quotations. He said that I reminded him of Beattie's -_Minstrel_:-- - - "'Dainties he heeded not, nor gaud, nor toy, - Save one short pipe.' - -"I think that was something like it. But you see, Giglamps, I haven't -got a figure-head for these sort of things like Charley has, so I -couldn't return his shot; but since then, to me deeply pondering, as -those old Greek parties say, a fine sample of our superior old crusted -jokes has come to hand; and when Charley next pulls alongside, I shall -tell him that I am like that beggar we read about in old Slowcoach's -lecture the other day, and that, if I had been in the humour, I could -have sung out, Io Bacche![11] _I owe baccy_--d'ye see, Giglamps? Well, -old feller! you look rather puffed, so clap on your coat; and, if -there's a rope's end, or a chain, in your tub, and you'll just pay it -out here, I'll make you fast astern, and pull you down the river; and -then you'll be in prime condition to work yourself up again. The wind's -in our back, and we shall get on jolly." - -[Illustration] - -So our hero made fast the tub to his friend's sailing-boat, and was -towed as far as the Haystack. During the voyage Mr. Bouncer ascertained -that Mr. Charles Larkyns had improved some of the shining hours of the -long vacation considerably to Mr. Verdant Green's benefit, by teaching -him the art of swimming--a polite accomplishment of which our hero had -been hitherto ignorant. Little Mr. Bouncer, therefore, felt easier in -his mind, if any repetition of his involuntary bath in the Gut should -befal our hero; and, after giving him (wonderful to say) some correct -advice regarding the management of the oars, he cast off the _Sylph_, -and left her and our hero to their own devices. But, profiting by the -friendly hints which he had received, Mr. Verdant Green made -considerable progress in the skill and dexterity with which he feathered -his oars; and he sat in his tub looking as wise as Diogenes may -(perhaps) have done in _his_. He moreover pulled the boat back to Hall's -without meeting with any accident worth mentioning; and when he had got -on shore he was highly complimented by Mr. Blades and a group of boating -gentlemen "for the admirable display of science which he had afforded -them." - -Mr. Verdant Green was afterwards taken alternately by Charles Larkyns -and Mr. Bouncer in their pair-oar; so that, by the end of the term, he -at any rate knew more of boating than to accept as one of its -fundamental rules, "put your oar in deep, and bring it out with a jerk." - -In the first week in December he had an opportunity of pulling over a -fresh piece of water. One of those inundations occurred to which Oxford -is so liable, and the meadow-land to the south and west of the city was -covered by the flood. Boats plied to and from the railway station in -place of omnibuses; the Great Western was not to be seen for water; and, -at the Abingdon-road bridge, at Cold-harbour, the rails were washed -away, and the trains brought to a stand-still. The Isis was amplified to -the width of the Christchurch meadows; the Broad Walk had a peep of -itself upside down in the glassy mirror; the windings of the Cherwell -could only be traced by the trees on its banks. There was - - "Water, water everywhere;" - -and a disagreeable quantity of it too, as those Christchurch men whose -ground-floor rooms were towards the meadows soon discovered. Mr. Bouncer -is supposed to have brought out one of his "fine, old, crusted jokes," -when he asserted in reference to the inundation, that "Nature had -assumed a lake complexion." Posts and rails, and hay, and a -miscellaneous collection of articles, were swept along by the current, -together with the bodies of hapless sheep and pigs. But, in spite of -these incumbrances, boats of all descriptions were to be seen sailing, -pulling, skiffing, and punting, over the flooded meadows. Numerous were -the disasters, and many were the boats that were upset. - -[Illustration] - -Indeed, the adventures of Mr. Verdant Green would probably have here -terminated in a misadventure, had he not (thanks to Charles Larkyns) -mastered the art of swimming; for he was in Mr. Bouncer's sailing-boat, -which was sailing very merrily over the flood, when its merriness was -suddenly checked by its grounding on the stump of a lopped pollard -willow, and forthwith capsizing. Our hero, who had been sitting in the -bows, was at once swept over by the sail, and, for a moment, was in -great peril; but, disengaging himself from the cordage, he struck out, -and swam to a willow whose friendly boughs and top had just formed an -asylum for Mr. Bouncer, who in great anxiety was coaxing Huz and Buz to -swim to the same ark of safety. - -Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Bouncer were speedily rescued from their -position, and were not a little thankful for their escape. - -FOOTNOTES: - -[10] Now used for the Museum of the Oxford Architectural Society. - -[11] - - ----"Si collibuisset, ab ovo - Usque ad mala citaret, Io Bacche!"--Hor. Sat. Lib. I. 3. - - - - -CHAPTER VII. - -MR. VERDANT GREEN PARTAKES OF A DOVE-TART AND A SPREAD-EAGLE. - - -"Hullo, Giglamps, you lazy beggar!" said the cheery voice of little Mr. -Bouncer, as he walked into our hero's bedroom one morning towards the -end of term, and found Mr. Verdant Green in bed, though sufficiently -awakened by the sounding of Mr. Bouncer's octaves for the purposes of -conversation; "this'll never do, you know, Giglamps! Cutting chapel to -do the downy! Why, what do you mean, sir? Didn't you ever learn in the -nursery what happened to old Daddy Long-legs when he wouldn't say his -prayers?" - -"Robert _did_ call me," said our hero, rubbing his eyes; "but I felt -tired, so I told him to put in an _æger_." - -"Upon my word, young 'un," observed Mr. Bouncer, "you're a coming it, -you are! and only in your second term, too. What makes you wear a -nightcap, Giglamps? Is it to make your hair curl, or to keep your -venerable head warm? Nightcaps ain't healthy; they are only fit for -long-tailed babbies, and old birds that are as bald as coots; or else -for gents that grease their wool with 'thine incomparable oil, -Macassar,' as the noble poet justly remarks." - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -"It ain't always pleasant," continued the little gentleman, who was -perched up on the side of the bed, and seemed in a communicative -disposition, "it ain't always pleasant to turn out for morning chapel, -is it, Giglamps? But it's just like the eels with their skinning: it -goes against the grain at first, but you soon get used to it. When I -first came up, I was a frightful lazy beggar, and I got such a heap of -impositions for not keeping my morning chapels, that I was obliged to -have three fellers constantly at work writing 'em out for me. This was -rather expensive, you see; and then the dons threatened to take away my -term altogether, and bring me to grief, if I didn't be more regular. So -I was obliged to make a virtuous resolution, and I told Robert that he -was to insist on my getting up in a morning, and I should tip him at the -end of term if he succeeded. So at first he used to come and hammer at -the door; but that was no go. So then he used to come in and shake me, -and try to pull the clothes off; but, you see, I always used to prepare -for him, by taking a good supply of boots and things to bed with me; so -I was able to take shies at the beggar till he vanished, and left me to -snooze peaceably. You see, it ain't every feller as likes to have a -Wellington boot at his head; but that rascal of a Robert is used to -those trifles, and I was obliged to try another dodge. This you know was -only of a morning when I was in bed. When I had had my breakfast, and -got my imposition, and become virtuous again, I used to slang him awful -for having let me cut chapel; and then I told him that he must always -stand at the door until he heard me out of bed. But, when the morning -came, it seemed running such a risk, you see to one's lungs and all -those sort of things to turn out of the warm bed into the cold chapel, -that I would answer Robert when he hammered at the door; but, instead of -getting up, I would knock my boots against the floor, as though I was -out of bed, don't you see, and was padding about. But that wretch of a -Robert was too old a bird to be caught with this dodge; so he used to -sing out, 'You must show a leg, sir!' and, as he kept on hammering at -the door till I _did_--for, you see, Giglamps, he was looking out for -the tip at the end of term, so it made him persevere--and as his beastly -hammering used, of course, to put a stopper on my going to sleep again, -I used to rush out in a frightful state of wax, and show a leg. And -then, being well up, you see, it was no use doing the downy again, so it -was just as well to make one's _twilight_ and go to chapel. Don't gape, -Giglamps; it's beastly rude, and I havn't done yet. I'm going to tell -you another dodge--one of old Small's. He invested money in an alarum, -with a string from it tied on to the bed-clothes, so as to pull them off -at whatever time you chose to set it. But I never saw the fun of being -left high and dry on your bed: it would be a shock to the system which I -couldn't stand. But even this dreadful expedient would be better than -posting an _æger_; which, you know, you didn't ought to was, Giglamps. -Well, turn out, old feller! I've told Robert to take your commons[12] -into my room. Smalls and Charley are coming, and I've got a dove-tart -and a spread-eagle." - -"Whatever are they?" asked Mr. Verdant Green. - -"Not know what they are!" cried Mr. Bouncer; "why a dove-tart is what -mortals call a pigeon-pie. I ain't much in Tennyson's line, but it -strikes me that dove-tarts are more poetical than the other thing; -spread-eagle is a barn-door fowl smashed out flat, and made jolly with -mushroom sauce, and no end of good things. I don't know how they squash -it, but I should say that they sit upon it; I daresay, if we were to -inquire, we should find that they kept a fat feller on purpose. But you -just come, and try how it eats." And, as Mr. Verdant Green's bedroom -barely afforded standing room, even for one, Mr. Bouncer walked into the -sitting-room, while his friend arose from his couch like a youthful -Adonis, and proceeded to bathe his ambrosial person, by taking certain -sanatory measures in splashing about in a species of tub--a performance -which Mr. Bouncer was wont to term "doing tumbies." - -[Illustration] - -"What'll you take for your letters, Giglamps?" called out the little -gentleman from the other room; "the Post's in, and here are three for -you. Two are from women,--young uns I should say, from the regular ups -and downs, and right angles: they look like billyduxes. Give you a bob -for them, at a venture! they may be funny. The other is suspiciously -like a tick, and ought to be looked shy on. I should advise you not to -open it, but to pitch it in the fire: it may save a fit of the blues. If -you want any help over shaving, just say so, Giglamps, will you, before -I go; and then I'll hold your nose for you, or do anything else that's -civil and accommodating. And, when you've done your tumbies, come in to -the dove-tart and the spread-eagle." And off went Mr. Bouncer, making -terrible noises with his post-horn, in his strenuous but futile -endeavours to discover the octaves. - -Our hero soon concluded his "tumbies" and his dressing (_not_ including -the shaving), and made his way to Mr. Bouncer's rooms, where he did -full justice to the dove-tart, and admired the spread-eagle so much, -that he thought of bribing the confectioner for the recipe to take home -as a Christmas-box for his mother. - -"Well, Giglamps," said Mr. Bouncer, when breakfast was over, "to spare -the blushes on your venerable cheeks, I won't even so much as refer to -the billy duxes; but, I'll only ask, what was the damage of the tick?" - -"Oh! it was not a bill," replied Mr. Verdant Green; "it was a letter -about a dog from the man of whom I bought Mop last term." - -"What! Filthy Lucre?" cried Mr. Bouncer; "well, I thought, somehow, I -knew the fist! he writes just as if he'd learnt from imitating his dogs' -hind-legs. Let's have a sight of it if it ain't private and -confidential!" - -"Oh dear no! on the contrary, I was going to show it to you, and ask -your advice on the contents." And Verdant handed to Mr. Bouncer a -letter, which had been elaborately sealed with the aid of a key, and was -directed high up in the left-hand corner to - - "Virdon grene esqre braisenface - collidge Oxford." - -[Illustration] - -"You look beastly lazy, Charley!" said Mr. Bouncer to Mr. Charles -Larkyns; "so, while I fill my pipe, just spit out the letter, _pro -bono_." And Charles Larkyns, lying in Mr. Bouncer's easiest lounging -chair, read as follows:-- - - "Onnerd sir i tak the libbaty of a Dressin of you in respex of A - dog which i wor sorry For to ear of your Loss in mop which i had - The pleshur of Sellin of 2 you onnerd sir A going astray And not a - turnin hup Bein of A unsurtin Tempor and guv to A folarin of - strandgers which wor maybe as ow You wor a lusein on him onnerd - Sir bein Overdogd at this ere present i can let you have A rale - good teryer at A barrging which wold giv sattefacshun onnered Sir - it wor 12 munth ago i Sold to Bounser esqre a red smooth air - terier Dog anserin 2 nam of Tug as wor rite down goodun and No - mistake onnerd Sir the purpurt Of this ere is too say as ow i have - a Hone brother to Tug black tann and ful ears and If you wold like - him i shold bee prowd too wate on you onnerd Sir he wor by - robbingsons Twister out of mister jones of abingdons Fan of witch - brede Bounser esqre nose on the merritts onnerd Sir he is very - Smal and smooth air and most xlent aither for wood Or warter a - liter before Tug onnerd Sir is nam is Vermin and he hant got his - nam by no mistake as No Vermin not even poll katts can live long - before him onnerd Sir I considders as vermin is very sootble - compannion for a Gent indors or hout and bein lively wold give - amoosement i shall fele it A plesure a waitin on you onnerd Sir - opin you will pardin the libbaty of a Dressin of you but my head - wor ful of vermin and i wishd to tel you - - "onnerd Sir yures - 2 komand j. Looker." - -"The nasty beggar!" said Mr. Bouncer, in reference to the last -paragraph. "Well, Giglamps! Filthy Lucre does'nt tell fibs when he says -that Tug came of a good breed: but he was so doosed pugnacious, that he -was always having set-to's with Huz and Buz, in the coal-shop just -outside the door here; and so, as I'd nowhere else to stow them, I was -obliged to give Tug away. Dr. What's-his-name says, 'Let dogs delight to -bark and bite, for 'tis their nature to.' But then, you see, it's only a -delight when they bite _somebody else's_ dog; and if Dr. What's-his-name -had had a kennel of his own, he would'nt have took it so coolly; and, -whether it was their nature so to do or not, he would'nt have let the -little beggars, that he fork'd out thirteen bob a-year for to the -government, amuse themselves by biting each other, or tearing out each -other's eyes; he'd have turn'd them over, don't you see, to his -neighbours' dogs, and have let them do the biting department on _them_. -And, altogether, Giglamps, I'd advise you to let Filthy Lucre's Vermin -alone, and have nothing to do with the breed." - -So Mr. Verdant Green took his friend's advice, and then took himself off -to learn boxing at the hands, and gloves, of the Putney Pet; for our -hero, at the suggestion of Mr. Charles Larkyns, had thought it advisable -to receive a few lessons in the fistic art, in order that he might be -the better able to defend himself, should he be engaged in a second Town -and Gown. He found the Pet in attendance upon Mr. Foote; and, by their -mutual aid, speedily mastered the elements of the Art of Self-defence. - -Mr. Foote's rooms at St. John's were in the further corner to the -right-hand side of the Quad, and had windows looking into the gardens. -When Charles had held his Court at St. John's, and when the loyal -College had melted down its plate to coin into money for the King's -necessities, the Royal visitor had occupied these very rooms. But it was -not on this account alone that they were the show rooms of the College, -and that tutors sent their compliments to Mr. Foote, with the request -that he would allow a party of friends to see his rooms. It was chiefly -on account of the lavish manner in which Mr. Foote had furnished his -rooms, with what he theatrically called "properties," that made them so -sought out: and country lionisers of Oxford, who took their impressions -of an Oxford student's room from those of Mr. Foote, must have -entertained very highly coloured ideas of the internal aspect of the -sober-looking old Colleges. - -The sitting-room was large and lofty, and was panelled with oak -throughout. At the further end was an elaborately carved book-case of -walnut wood, filled with books gorgeously bound in every tint of morocco -and vellum, with their backs richly tooled in gold. It was currently -reported in the College that "Footelights" had given an order for a -certain number of _feet_ of books,--not being at all proud as to their -contents,--and had laid down the sum of a thousand pounds (or -thereabouts) for their binding. This might have been scandal; but the -fact of his father being a Colossus of (the iron) Roads, and indulging -his son and heir in every expense, gave some colour to the rumour. - -The panels were covered with the choicest engravings (all -proofs-before-letters), and with water-colour drawings by Cattermole, -Cox, Fripp, Hunt, and Frederick Tayler--their wide, white margins being -sunk in light gilt frames. Above these gleamed groups of armour, -standing out effectively (and theatrically), against the dark oak -panels, and full of "reflected lights," that would have gladdened the -heart of Maclise. There were couches of velvet, and lounging chairs of -every variety and shape. There was a Broadwood's grand piano-forte, on -which Mr. Foote, although uninstructed, could play skilfully. There -were round tables and square tables, and writing tables; and there were -side tables with statuettes, and Swiss carvings, and old china, and gold -apostle-spoons, and lava ware, and Etruscan vases, and a swarm of -Spiers's elegant knick-knackeries. There were reading-stands of all -sorts; Briarean-armed brazen ones that fastened on to the chair you sat -in,--sloping ones to rest on the table before you, elaborately carved in -open work, and an upright one of severe Gothic, like a lectern, where -you were to stand and read without contracting your chest. Then there -were all kinds of stands to hold books: sliding ones, expanding ones, -portable ones, heavy fixture ones, plain mahogany ones, and oak ones -made glorious by Margetts with the arms of Oxford and St. John's, carved -and emblazoned on the ends. - -[Illustration] - -Mr. Foote's rooms were altogether a very gorgeous instance of a -Collegian's apartment; and Mr. Foote himself was a very striking example -of the theatrical undergraduate. Possessing great powers of mimicry and -facial expression, he was able to imitate any peculiarities which were -to be observed either in Dons or Undergraduates, in Presidents or -Scouts. He could sit down at his piano, and give you--after the manner -of Theodore Hook, or John Parry--a burlesque opera; singing high up in -his head for the prima donna, and going down to his boots for the _basso -profondo_ of the great Lablache. He could also draw corks, saw wood, do -a bee in a handkerchief, and make monkeys, cats, dogs, a farm-yard, or a -full band, with equal facility. He would also give you Mr. Keeley, in -"Betsy Baker;" Mr. Paul Bedford, as "I believe you my bo-o-oy!" Mr. -Buckstone, as Cousin Joe, and "Box and Cox;" or Mr. Wright, as Paul Pry, -or Mr. Felix Fluffy. Besides the comedians, Mr. Footelights would also -give you the leading tragedians, and would favour you (through his nose) -with the popular burlesque imitation of Mr. Charles Kean, as _Hablet_. -He would fling himself down on the carpet, and grovel there, as Hamlet -does in the play-scene, and would exclaim, with frantic vehemence, "He -poisods hib i' the garded, for his estate. His dabe's Godzago: the story -is extadt, ad writted id very choice Italiad. You shall see adod, how -the burderer gets the love of Godzago's wife." Moreover, as his room -possessed the singularity of a trap-door leading down into a -wine-cellar, Mr. "Footelights" was thus enabled to leap down into the -aperture, and carry on the personation of Hamlet in Ophelia's grave. As -the theatrical trait in his character was productive of much amusement, -and as he was also considered to be one of those hilarious fragments of -masonry, popularly known as "jolly bricks," Mr. Foote's society was -greatly cultivated; and Mr. Verdant Green struck up a warm friendship -with him. - -But the Michaelmas term was drawing to its close. Buttery and kitchen -books were adding up their sums total; bursars were preparing for -battels;[13] witless men were cramming for Collections;[14] scouts and -bedmakers were looking for tips; and tradesmen were hopelessly expecting -their little accounts. And, in a few days, Mr. Verdant Green might have -been seen at the railway station, in company with Mr. Charles Larkyns -and Mr. Bouncer, setting out for the Manor Green, _viâ_ London--this -being, as is well known, the most direct route from Oxford to -Warwickshire. - -Mr. Bouncer, who when travelling was never easy in his mind unless Huz -and Buz were with him in the same carriage, had placed these two -interesting specimens of the canine species in a small light box, -partially ventilated by means of holes drilled through the top. But Huz -and Buz, not much admiring this contracted mode of conveyance, and -probably suffering from incipient asphyxia, in spite of the admonitory -kicks against their box, gave way to dismal howls, at the very moment -when the guard came to look at the tickets. - -"Can't allow dogs in here, sir! they must go in the locker," said the -guard. - -"Dogs?" cried Mr. Bouncer, in apparent astonishment: "they're rabbits!" - -"Rabbits!" ejaculated the guard, in his turn. "Oh, come, sir! what makes -rabbits bark?" - -"What makes 'em bark? Why, because they've got the pip, poor beggars!" -replied Mr. Bouncer, promptly. At which the guard graciously laughed, -and retired; probably thinking that he should, in the end, be a gainer -if he allowed Huz and Buz to journey in the same first-class carriage -with their master. - -FOOTNOTES: - -[12] The rations of bread, butter, and milk, supplied from the buttery. -The breakfast-giver tells his scout the names of those in-college men -who are coming to breakfast with him. The scout then collects their -commons, which thus forms the substratum of the entertainment. The other -things are of course supplied by the giver of the breakfast, and are -sent in by the confectioner. As to the knives and forks and crockery, -the scout produces them from his common stock. - -[13] Battels are the accounts of the expenses of each student. It is -stated in Todd's _Johnson_ that this singular word is derived from the -Saxon verb, meaning "to count or reckon." But it is stated in the -_Gentleman's Magazine_ for 1792, that the word may probably be derived -from the Low-German word _bettahlen_, "to pay," whence may come our -English word, _tale_ or _score_. - -[14] College Terminal Examinations. - - - - -CHAPTER VIII. - -MR. VERDANT GREEN SPENDS A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR. - - -Christmas had come; the season of kindness, and hospitality; the season -when the streams of benevolence flow full in their channels; the season -when the Honourable Miss Hyems indulges herself with ice, while the -vulgar Jack Frost regales himself with cold-without. Christmas had come, -and had brought with it an old fashioned winter; and, as Mr. Verdant -Green stands with his hands in his pockets, and gazes from the -drawing-room of his paternal mansion, he looks forth upon a white world. - -The snow is everywhere. The shrubs are weighed down by masses of it; the -terrace is knee-deep in it; the plaster Apollo, in the long-walk, is -more than knee-deep in it, and is furnished with a surplice and wig, -like a half-blown Bishop. The distant country looks the very ghost of a -landscape: the white-walled cottages seem part and parcel of the -snow-drifts around them,--drifts that take every variety of form, and -are swept by the wind into faëry wreaths, and fantastic caves. The old -mill-wheel is locked fast, and gemmed with giant icicles; its slippery -stairs are more slippery than ever. Golden gorse and purple heather are -now all of a colour; orchards puts forth blossoms of real snow; the -gently swelling hills look bright and dazzling in the wintry sun; the -grey church tower has grown from grey to white; nothing looks black, -except the swarms of rooks that dot the snowy fields, or make their caws -(long as any Chancery-suit) to be heard from among the dark branches of -the stately elms that form the avenue to the Manor-Green. - -[Illustration] - -It is a rare busy time for the intelligent Mr. Mole the gardener! he is -always sweeping at that avenue, and, do what he will, he cannot keep it -clear from snow. As Mr. Verdant Green looks forth upon the white world, -his gaze is more particularly directed to this avenue, as though the -form of the intelligent Mr. Mole was an object of interest. From time to -time Mr. Verdant Green consults his watch in a nervous manner, and is -utterly indifferent to the appeals of the robin-redbreast who is hopping -about outside, in expectation of the dinner which has been daily given -to him. - -[Illustration] - -Just when the robin, emboldened by hunger, has begun to tap fiercely -with his bill against the window-pane, as a gentle hint that the -smallest donations of crumbs of comfort will be thankfully -received,--Mr. Verdant Green, utterly oblivious of robins in general, -and of the sharp pecks of this one in particular, takes no notice of the -little redbreast waiter with the bill, but, slightly colouring up, fixes -his gaze upon the lodge-gate through which a group of ladies and -gentlemen are passing. Stepping back for a moment, and stealing a glance -at himself in the mirror, Mr. Verdant Green hurriedly arranges and -disarranges his hair--pulls about his collar--ties and unties his -neck-handkerchief--buttons and then unbuttons his coat--takes another -look from the window--sees the intelligent Mr. Mole (besom in hand) -salaaming the party, and then makes a rush for the vestibule, to be at -the door to receive them. - -Let us take a look at them as they come up the avenue. _Place aux -dames_, is the proper sort of thing; but as there is no rule without its -exception, and no adage without its counter-proverb, we will give the -gentlemen the priority of description. - -Hale and hearty, the picture of amiability and gentlemanly feeling, -comes the Rector, Mr. Larkyns, sturdily crunching the frozen snow, which -has defied all the besom powers of the intelligent Mr. Mole. Here, too, -is Mr. Charles Larkyns, and, moreover, his friend Henry Bouncer, Esq., -who has come to Christmas at the Rectory. Following in their wake is a -fourth gentleman attired in the costume peculiar to clergymen, -dissenting ministers, linen-drapers' assistants, and tavern waiters. He -happens to belong to the first-named section, and is no less a person -than the Rev. Josiah Meek, B.A., (St. Christopher's Coll., Oxon.)--who, -for the last three months, has officiated as Mr. Larkyns's curate. He -appears to be of a peace-loving, lamb-like disposition; and, though -sportive as a lamb when occasion requires, is yet of timid ways and -manners. He is timid, too, in voice,--speaking in a feeble treble; he is -timid, too, in his address,--more particularly as regards females; and -he has mild-looking whiskers, that are far too timid to assume any -decided or obtrusive colour, and have fallen back on a generalised -whitey-brown tint. But, though timid enough in society, he was bold and -energetic in the discharge of his pastoral duties, and had already won -the esteem of every one in the parish. So, Verdant had been told, when, -on his return from college, he had asked his sisters how they liked the -new curate. They had not only heard of his good deeds, but they had -witnessed many of them in their visits to the schools and among the -poor. Mary and Fanny were loud in his praise; and if Helen said but -little, it was perhaps because she thought the more; for Helen was now -of the susceptible age of "sweet seventeen," an age that not only feels -warmly but thinks deeply; and, who shall say what feelings and thoughts -may be beneath the pure waters of that sea of maidenhood whose surface -is so still and calm? Love alone can tell:--Love, the bold diver, who -can cleave that still surface, and bring up into the light of heaven the -rich treasures that are of Heaven's own creation. - -With the four gentlemen come two ladies--young ladies, moreover, who, as -penny-a-liners say, are "possessed of considerable personal -attractions." These are the Misses Honeywood, the blooming daughters of -the rector's only sister; and they have come from the far land of the -North, and are looking as fresh and sweet as their own heathery hills. -The roses of health that bloom upon their cheeks have been brought into -full blow by the keen, sharp breeze; the shepherd's-plaid shawls drawn -tightly around them give the outline of figures that gently swell into -the luxuriant line of beauty and grace. Altogether, they are damsels who -are pleasant to the eye, and very fair to look upon. - -Since they had last visited their uncle four years had passed, and, in -that time, they had shot up to womanhood, although they were not yet out -of their teens. Their father was a landed proprietor living in north -Northumberland; and, like other landed proprietors who live under the -shade of the Cheviots, was rich in his flocks, and his herds, and his -men-servants and his maid-servants, and his he-asses and his she-asses, -and was quite a modern patriarch. During the past summer, the rector had -taken a trip to Northumberland, in order to see his sister, and refresh -himself with a clergyman's fortnight at Honeywood Hall, and he would not -leave his sister and her husband until he had extracted from them a -promise that they would bring down their two eldest daughters and -Christmas in Warwickshire. This was accordingly agreed to, and, more -than that, acted upon; and little Mr. Bouncer and his sister Fanny were -asked to meet them; but, to relieve the rector of a superfluity of lady -guests, Miss Bouncer's quarters had been removed to the Manor Green. - -It was quite an event in the history of our hero and his sisters. Four -years ago, they, and Kitty and Patty Honeywood, were mere chits, for -whom dolls had not altogether lost their interest, and who considered it -as promotion when they sat in the drawing-room on company evenings, -instead of being shown up at dessert. Four years at this period of life -makes a vast change in young ladies, and the Green and Honeywood girls -had so altered since last they met, that they had almost needed a fresh -introduction to each other. But a day's intimacy made them bosom -friends; and the Manor Green soon saw such revels as it had not seen for -many a long year. - -Every night there were (in the language of the play-bills of provincial -theatres) "singing and dancing, with a variety of other entertainments;" -the "other entertainments" occasionally consisting (as is scandalously -affirmed) of a very favourite class of entertainment--popular at all -times, but running mad riot at the Christmas season--wherein two -performers of either sex take their places beneath a white-berried -bough, and go through a species of dance, or _pas de fascination_, -accompanied by mysterious rites and solemnities that have been -scrupulously observed, and handed down to us, from the earliest age. - -[Illustration] - -Mr. Verdant Green, during the short--alas! _too_ short--Christmas week, -had performed more polkas than he had ever danced in his life; and, -under the charming tuition of Miss Patty Honeywood, was fast becoming a -proficient in the _valse à deux temps_. As yet, the whirl of the dance -brought on a corresponding rotatory motion of the brain, that made -everything swim before his spectacles in a way which will be easily -understood by all bad travellers who have crossed from Dover to Calais -with a chopping sea and a gale of wind. But Miss Patty Honeywood was -both good-natured and persevering: and she allowed our hero to dance on -her feet without a murmur, and watchfully guided him when his giddy -vision would have led them into contact with foreign bodies. - -It is an old saying, that Gratitude begets Love. Mr. Verdant Green had -already reached the first part of this dangerous creation, for he felt -grateful to the pretty Patty for the good-humoured trouble she bestowed -on the awkwardness, which he now, for the first time, began painfully to -perceive. But, what his gratitude might end in, he had perhaps never -taken the trouble to inquire. It was enough to Mr. Verdant Green that he -enjoyed the present; and, as to the future, he fully followed out the -Horatian precept-- - - Quid sit futurum cras, fuge quærere; - ... nec dulces amores - Sperne, puer, neque tu choreas. - -[Illustration] - -It was perhaps ungrateful in our hero to prefer Miss Patty Honeywood to -Miss Fanny Bouncer, especially when the latter was staying in the house, -and had been so warmly recommended to his notice by her vivacious -brother. Especially, too, as there was nothing to be objected to in Miss -Bouncer, saving the fact that some might have affirmed she was a trifle -too much inclined to _embonpoint_, and was indeed a bouncer in person as -well as in name. Especially, too, as Miss Fanny Bouncer was both -good-humoured and clever, and, besides being mistress of the usual -young-lady accomplishments, was a clever proficient in the fascinating -art of photography, and had brought her camera and chemicals, and had -not only calotyped Mr. Verdant Green, but had made no end of duplicates -of him, in a manner that was suggestive of the deepest admiration and -affection. But these sort of likings are not made to rule, and Mr. -Verdant Green could see Miss Fanny Bouncer approach without betraying -any of those symptoms of excitement, under the influence of which we had -the privilege to see him, as he gazed from the window of his paternal -mansion, and then, on beholding the approaching form of Miss Patty -Honeywood, rush wildly to the vestibule. - -The party had no occasion to ring, for the hall door was already opened -for them, and Mr. Verdant Green was soon exchanging a delightful -pressure of the hand with the blooming Patty. - -"We were such a formidable party," said that young lady, as she laughed -merrily, and thereby disclosed to the enraptured gazer a remarkably even -set of white teeth ("All her own, too!" as little Mr. Bouncer afterwards -remarked to the enraptured gazer); "we were such a formidable party," -said Miss Patty, "that papa and mamma declared they would stay behind at -the Rectory, and would not join in such a visitation." - -Mr. Verdant Green replies, "Oh dear! I am very sorry," and looks -remarkably delighted--though it certainly may not be at the absence of -the respected couple; and he then proclaims that everything is ready, -and that Miss Bouncer and his sisters had found out some capital words. - -"What a mysterious communication, Verdant!" remarks the rector, as they -pass into the house. But the rector is only to be let so far into the -secret as to be informed that, at the evening party which is to be held -at the Manor Green that night, a charade or two will be acted, in order -to diversify the amusements. The Misses Honeywood are great adepts in -this sort of pastime; so, also, are Miss Bouncer and her brother. For -although the latter does not shine as a mimic, yet, as he is never -deserted by his accustomed coolness, he has plenty of the _nonchalance_ -and readiness which is a requisite for charade acting. The Miss -Honeywoods and Mr. Bouncer have therefore suggested to Mr. Verdant Green -and his sisters, that to get up a little amateur performance would be -"great fun;" and the suggestion has met with a warm approval. - -The drawing-room at the Manor Green opened by large folding-doors to the -library; so (as Mr. Bouncer observed to our hero), "there you've got -your stage and your drop-scene as right as a trivet; and, if you stick a -lot of candles and lights on each side of the doors in the library, -there you'll have a regular flare-up that'll show off your venerable -giglamps no end." - -So charades were determined on; and, when words had been hunted up, a -council of war was called. But, as the ladies and gentlemen hold their -council with closed doors, we cannot intrude upon them. We must -therefore wait till the evening, when the result of their deliberations -will be publicly manifested. - - - - -CHAPTER IX. - -MR. VERDANT GREEN MAKES HIS FIRST APPEARANCE ON ANY BOARDS. - - -It is the last night of December. The old year, worn out and spent with -age, lies a dying, wrapped in sheets of snow. - -[Illustration] - -A stern stillness reigns around. The steps of men are muffled; no -echoing footfalls disturb the solemn nature of the time. The little -runnels weep icy tears. The dark pines hang out their funereal plumes, -and nod with their weight of snow. The elms have thrown off their green -robes of joy, and, standing up in gaunt nakedness, wildly toss to heaven -their imploring arms. The old year lies a dying. - -Silently through the snow steal certain carriages to the portals of the -Manor Green: and, with a ringing of bells and a banging of steps, the -occupants disappear in a stream of light that issues from the hall door. -Mr. Green's small sanctum to the right of the hall has been converted -into a cloak-room, and is fitted up with a ladies'-maid and a -looking-glass, in a manner not to be remembered by the oldest -inhabitant. - -There the finishing stroke of ravishment is given to the toilette -disarranged by a long drive through the impeding snow. There Miss -Parkington (whose papa has lately revived his old school friendship with -Mr. Green) discovers, to her unspeakable disgust, that the ten mile -drive through the cold has invested her cheek with purple tints, and -given to her _retroussé_ (ill-natured people call it "pug") nose a hue -that mocks - - The turkey's crested fringe. - -[Illustration] - -There, too, Miss Waters (whose paternities had hitherto only been on -morning-call terms with the Manor Green people, but had brushed up their -acquaintance now that there was a son of marriageable years and heir to -an independent fortune) discovers to her dismay that the joltings -received during a six-mile drive through snowed-up lanes, have somewhat -deteriorated the very full-dress aspect of her attire, and considerably -flattened its former balloon-like dimensions. And there, too, Miss -Brindle (whose family have been hunted up for the occasion) makes the -alarming discovery that, in the lurch which their hack-fly had made at -the cross roads, her brother Alfred's patent boots had not only dragged -off some yards (more or less) of her flounces, but had also--to use her -own mystical language--"torn her skirt at the gathers!" - -All, however, is put right as far as possible. A warm at the sanctum's -fire diminishes the purple in Miss Parkington's cheeks; and the maid, by -some hocus-pocus peculiar to her craft, again inflates Miss Waters into -a balloon, and stitches up Miss Brindle's flounces and "gathers." The -ladies join their respective gentlemen, who have been cooling their toes -and uttering warm anathemas in the hall; and the party sail, arm-in-arm, -into the drawing-room, and forthwith fall to lively remarks on that -neutral ground of conversation, the weather. - -[Illustration] - -Mr. Verdant Green is there, dressed with elaborate magnificence; but he -continues in a state of listless apathy, and is indifferent to the -"lively" rattle of the balloon-like Miss Waters, until John the footman -(who is suffering from influenza) rouses him into animation by the magic -talisman "Bister, Bissis, an' the Biss 'Oneywoods;" when he beams -through his spectacles in the most benign and satisfied manner. The -Misses Honeywood are as blooming as usual: the cold air, instead of -spoiling their good looks, has but improved their healthy style of -beauty; and they smile, laugh, and talk in a perfectly easy, unaffected, -and natural manner. Mr. Verdant Green at once makes his way to Miss -Patty Honeywood's side, and, gracefully standing beside her, coffee-cup -in hand, plunges headlong into the depths of a tangled conversation. - -Meanwhile, the drawing-room of the Manor Green becomes filled in a way -that has not been seen for many a long year; and the intelligent Mr. -Mole, the gardener (who has been impressed as an odd man for the -occasion, and is served up in a pseudo-livery to make him more -presentible), sees more "genteel" people than have, for a long time, -been visible to his naked eye. The intelligent Mr. Mole, when he has -afterwards been restored to the bosom of Mrs. Mole and his family, -confides to his equally intelligent helpmate that, in his opinion, -"Master has guv the party to get husbands for the young ladies"--an -opinion which, though perhaps not founded on fact so far as it related -to the party which was the subject of Mr. Mole's remark, would doubtless -be applicable to many similar parties given under somewhat similar -circumstances. - -It is not improbable that the intelligent Mr. Mole may have based his -opinion on a circumstance--which, to a gentleman of his sagacity, must -have carried great weight--namely, that whenever in the course of the -evening the hall was made the promenade for the loungers and dancers, he -perceived, firstly, that Miss Green was invariably accompanied by Mr. -Charles Larkyns; secondly, that the Rev. Josiah Meek kept Miss Helen -dallying about the wine and lemonade tray much longer than was necessary -for the mere consumption of the cooling liquids; and thirdly, that Miss -Fanny, who was a pert, talkative Miss of sixteen, was continually to be -found there with either Mr. Henry Bouncer or Mr. Alfred Brindle dancing -attendance upon her. But, be this as it may, the intelligent Mr. Mole -was impressed with the conviction that Mr. Green had called his young -friends together as to a matrimonial auction, and that his daughters -were to be put up without reserve, and knocked down to the highest -bidder. - -All the party have arrived. The weather has been talked over for the -last time (for the present); a harp, violin, and a cornet-à-piston from -the county town, influenced by the spirit of gin-and-water, are heard -discoursing most eloquent music in the dining-room, which has been -cleared out for the dance. Miss Patty Honeywood, accepting the offer of -Mr. Verdant Green's arm, swims joyously out of the room; other ladies -and gentlemen pair, and follow: the ball is opened. - -A polka follows the quadrille; and, while the dancers rest awhile from -their exertions, or crowd around the piano in the drawing-room to hear -the balloon-like Miss Waters play a firework piece of music, in which -execution takes the place of melody, and chromatic scales are discharged -from her fingers like showers of rockets, Mr. Verdant Green mysteriously -weeds out certain members of the party, and vanishes with them upstairs. - -[Illustration] - -When Miss Waters has discharged all her fireworks, and has descended -from the throne of her music-stool, a set of Lancers is formed; and, -while the usual mistakes are being made in the figures, the dancers -find a fruitful subject of conversation in surmises that a charade -is going to be acted. The surmise proves to be correct; for when -the set has been brought to an end with that peculiar in-and-out -tum-tum-tiddle-iddle-tum-tum-tum movement which characterises the last -figure of _Les Lanciers_, the trippers on the light fantastic toe are -requested to assemble in the drawing-room, where the chairs and couches -have been pulled up to face the folding doors that lead into the -library. Mr. Verdant Green appears; and, after announcing that the word -to be acted will be one of three syllables, and that each syllable will -be represented by itself, and that then the complete word will be given, -throws open the folding doors for - -SCENE I. _Syllable_ 1.--Enter the Miss Honeywoods, dressed in -fashionable bonnets and shawls. They are shown in by a footman (Mr. -Bouncer) attired in a peculiarly ingenious and effective livery, made by -pulling up the trousers to the knee, and wearing the dress-coat inside -out, so as to display the crimson silk linings of the sleeves: the -effect of Mr. Bouncer's appearance is considerably heightened by a -judicious outlay of flour sprinkled over his hair. Mr. Bouncer (as -footman) gives the ladies chairs, and inquires, "What name shall I be -pleased to say, mem?" Miss Patty answers in a languid and fashionable -voice, "The Ladies Louisa and Arabella Mountfidget." Mr. Bouncer -evaporates with a low bow, leaving the ladies to play with their -parasols, and converse. Lady Arabella (Miss Patty) then expresses a -devout wish that Lady Trotter (wife of Sir Lambkin Trotter, Bart.), in -whose house they are supposed to be, will not keep them waiting as long -as she detained her aunt, Lady Bellwether, when the poor old lady fell -asleep from sheer fatigue, and was found snoring on the sofa. Lady -Louisa then falls to an inspection of the card-tray, and reads the -paste-boards of some high-sounding titles not to be found in Debrett, -and expresses wonder as to where Lady Trotter can have picked up the -Duchess of Ditchwater's card, as she (Lady Louisa) is morally convinced -that her Grace can never have condescended to have even sent in her card -by a footman. Becoming impatient at the non-appearance of Lady Trotter, -Miss Patty Honeywood then rings the bell, and, with much asperity of -manner, inquires of Mr. Bouncer (as footman) if Lady Trotter is informed -that the Ladies Louisa and Arabella Mountfidget are waiting to see her? -Mr. Bouncer replies, with a footman's bow, and a footman's -_h_exasperation of his h's, "Me lady is hawcer hof your ladyships' -visit; but me lady is at present hunable to happear: me lady, 'owever, -has give me a message, which she hasks me to deliver to your ladyships." -"Then why don't you deliver it at once," says Miss Patty, "and not -waste the valuable time of the Ladies Louisa and Arabella Mountfidget? -What _is_ the message?" "Me lady," replies Mr. Bouncer, "requests me to -present her compliments to your ladyships, and begs me to hinform you -that me lady is a cleaning of herself!" Amid great laughter from the -audience, the Ladies Mountfidget toss their heads and flutter grandly -out of the room, followed by the floured footman; while Mr. Verdant -Green, unseen by those in front, pushes-to the folding doors, to show -that the first syllable is performed. - -Praises of the acting, and guesses at the word, agreeably fill up the -time till the next scene. The Revd Josiah Meek, who is not much used to -charades, confides to Miss Helen Green that he surmises the word to be, -either "visitor" or "impudence" but, as the only ground to this surmise -rests on these two words being words of three syllables, Miss Helen -gently repels the idea, and sagely observes "we shall see more in the -next scene." - -SCENE II. _Syllable_ 2.--The folding-doors open, and discover Mr. -Verdant Green, as a sick gentleman, lying on a sofa, in a dressing-gown, -with pillows under his head, and Miss Patty Honeywood in attendance upon -him. A table, covered with glasses and medicine bottles, is drawn up to -the sufferer's couch in an inviting manner. Miss Patty informs the -sufferer that the time is come for him to take his draught. The sufferer -groans in a dismal manner, and says, "Oh! is it, my dear?" She replies, -"Yes! you must take it now;" and sternly pours some sherry wine out of -the medicine bottle into a cup. The sufferer makes piteous faces, and -exclaims, "It is so nasty, I can't take it, my love!" (It is to be -observed that Mr. Verdant Green, skilfully taking advantage of the -circumstance that Miss Patty Honeywood is supposed to represent the wife -of the sufferer, plentifully besprinkles his conversation with endearing -epithets.) When, after much persuasion and groaning, the sufferer has -been induced to take his medicine, his spouse announces the arrival of -the doctor; when, enter Mr. Bouncer, still floured as to his head, but -wearing spectacles, a long black coat, and a shirt-frill, and having his -dress otherwise altered so as to represent a medical man of the old -school. The doctor asks what sort of a night his patient has had, -inspects his tongue with professional gravity, feels his pulse, looks at -his watch, and mysteriously shakes his head. He then commences thrusting -and poking Mr. Verdant Green in various parts of his body,--after the -manner of doctors with their victims, and farmers with their -beasts,--enquiring between each poke, "Does that hurt you?" and being -answered by a convulsive "Oh!" and a groan of agony. The doctor then -prescribes a draught to be taken every half-hour, with the pills and -blister at bed-time; and, after covering his two fellow-actors with -confusion, by observing that he leaves his patient in admirable hands, -and, that in an affection of the heart, the application of lip-salve and -warm treatment will give a decided tone to the system, and produce -soothing and grateful emotions--takes his leave; and the folding-doors -are closed on the blushes of Miss Patty Honeywood, and Mr. Verdant -Green. - -[Illustration] - -More applause: more agreeable conversation: more ingenious speculations. -The Revd. Josiah Meek is now of opinion that the word is either -"medicine" or "suffering." Miss Helen still sagely observes, "we shall -see more in the next scene." - -SCENE III. _Syllable_ 3.--Mr. Verdant Green discovered sitting at a -table furnished with pens and ink, books, and rolls of paper. Mr. -Verdant Green wears on his head a Chelsea pensioner's cocked-hat (the -"property" of the Family,--as Mr. Footelights would have said), folded -into a shovel shape; and is supposed to accurately represent the outside -of a London publisher. To him enter Mr. Bouncer--the flour off his -head--coat buttoned tightly to the throat, no visible linen, and wearing -in his face and appearance generally, "the garb of humility." Says the -publisher "Now, sir, please to state your business, and be quick about -it: I am much engaged in looking over for the press a work of a -distinguished author, which I am just about to publish." Meekly replies -the other, as he holds under his arm an immense paper packet: "It is -about a work of my own, sir, that I have now ventured to intrude upon -you. I have here, sir, a small manuscript," (producing his roll of a -book), "which I am ambitious to see given to the world through the -medium of your printing establishment." To him, the Publisher--"Already -am I inundated with manuscripts on all possible subjects, and cannot -undertake to look at any more for some time to come. What is the nature -of your manuscript?" Meekly replies the other--"The theme of my work, -sir, is a History of England before the Flood. The subject is both new -and interesting. It is to be presumed that our beloved country existed -before the Flood: if so, it must have had a history. I have therefore -endeavoured to fill up what is lacking in the annals of our land, by a -record of its antediluvian state, adapted to the meanest comprehension, -and founded on the most baseless facts. I am desirous, sir, to see -myself in print. I should like my work, sir, to appear in large letters; -in very large letters, sir. Indeed, sir, it would give me joy, if you -would condescend to print it altogether in capital letters: my _magnum -opus_ might then be called with truth, a capital work." To him, the -Publisher--"Much certainly depends on the character of the printing." -Meekly the author--"Indeed, sir, it does. A great book, sir, should be -printed in great letters. If you will permit me, I will show you the -size of the letters in which I should wish my book to be printed." Mr. -Bouncer then points out in some books on the table, the printing he most -admires; and, beseeching the Publisher to read over his manuscript, and -think favourably of his History of England before the Flood, makes his -bow to Mr. Verdant Green and the Chelsea pensioner's cocked hat. - -More applause, and speculations. The Revd. Josiah Meek confident that he -has discovered the word. It must be either "publisher" or "authorship." -Miss Helen still sage. - -SCENE IV. _The Word._--Miss Bouncer discovered with her camera, -arranging her photographic chemicals. She soliloquises. "There! now, all -is ready for my sitter." She calls the footman (Mr. Verdant Green), and -says, "John, you may show the Lady Fitz-Canute upstairs." The footman -shows in Miss Honeywood, dressed in an antiquated bonnet and mantle, -waving a huge fan. John gives her a chair, into which she drops, -exclaiming, "What an insufferable toil it is to ascend to these elevated -Photographic rooms;" and makes good use of her fan. Miss Bouncer then -fixes the focus of her camera, and begs the Lady Fitz-Canute to sit -perfectly still, and to call up an agreeable smile to her face. Miss -Honeywood thereupon disposes her face in ludicrous "wreathed smiles;" -and Miss Bouncer's head disappears under the velvet hood of the camera. -"I am afraid," at length says Miss Bouncer, "I am afraid that I shall -not be able to succeed in taking a likeness of your ladyship this -morning." "And why, pray?" asks her ladyship with haughty surprise. -"Because it is a gloomy day," replies the Photographer, "and much -depends upon the rays of light." "Then procure the rays of light!" "That -is more than I can do." "Indeed! I suppose if the Lady Fitz-Canute -wishes for the rays of light, and condescends to pay for the rays of -light, she can obtain the rays of light." Miss Bouncer considers this -too _exigeant_, and puts her sitter off by promising to complete a most -fascinating portrait of her on some more favourable day. Lady -Fitz-Canute appears to be somewhat mollified at this, and is graciously -pleased to observe, "Then I will undergo the fatigue of ascending to -these elevated Photographic-rooms at some future period. But, mind, when -I next come, that you procure the rays of light!" So she is shown out by -Mr. Verdant Green, and the folding-doors are closed amid applause, and -the audience distract themselves with guesses as to the word. - -"Photograph" is a general favourite, but is found not to agree with the -three first scenes, although much ingenuity is expended in endeavouring -to make them fit the word. The Curate makes a headlong rush at the word -"Daguerreotype," and is confident that he has solved the problem, until -he is informed that it is a word of more than three syllables. Charles -Larkyns has already whispered the word to Mary Green; but they keep -their discovery to themselves. At length, the Revd. Josiah Meek, in a -moment of inspiration, hits upon the word, and proclaims it to be -CALOTYPE ("Call--oh!--type;") upon which Mr. Alfred Brindle declares to -Miss Fanny Green that he had fancied it must be that, all along, and, in -fact, was just on the point of saying it: and the actors, coming in in a -body, receive the violet-crowns and laurel-wreaths of praise as the meed -of their exertions. Perhaps, the Miss Honeywoods and Mr. Bouncer -receive larger crowns than the others, but Mr. Verdant Green gets his -due share, and is fully satisfied with his first appearance on "the -boards." - -[Illustration] - -Dancing then succeeds, varied by songs from the young ladies, and -discharges of chromatic fireworks from the fingers of Miss Waters, for -whom Charles Larkyns does the polite, in turning over the leaves of her -music. Then some carol-singers come to the Hall-door, and the bells of -the church proclaim, in joyful peals, the birth of the New Year;--a new -year of hopes, and joys, and cares, and griefs, and unions, and -partings;--a new year of which, who then present shall see the end? who -shall be there to welcome in its successor? who shall be absent, laid in -the secret places of the earth? Ah, _who_? For, even in the midst of -revelry and youth, the joy-peals of those old church bells can strike -the key-note of a wail of grief. - -Another charade follows, in which new actors join. Then comes a merry -supper, in which Mr. Alfred Brindle, in order to give himself courage to -appear in the next charade, takes more champagne than is good for him; -in which, too (probably, from similar champagney reasons), Miss -Parkington's unfortunately self-willed nose again assumes a more roseate -hue than is becoming to a maiden; in which, too, Mr. Verdant Green being -called upon to return thanks for "the ladies"--(toast, proposed in -eloquent terms by H. Bouncer, Esq., and drunk "with the usual -honours,")--is so alarmed at finding himself upon his legs, that his -ideas altogether vanish, and in great confusion of utterance, he -observes,--"I--I--ladies and gentlemen--feel--I--I--a--feel--assure -you--grattered and flattified--I mean, flattered and gratified--being -called on--return thanks--I--I--a--the ladies--give a larm to chife--I -mean, charm to life--(_applause_)--and--a--a--grace by their -table this presence,--I mean--a--a--(_applause_),--and joytened our -eye--I mean, heighted our joy, to-night--(_applause_),--in their -name--thanks--honour." Mr. Verdant Green takes advantage of the applause -which follows these incoherent remarks, and sits down, covered with -confusion, but thankful that the struggle is over. - -More dancing follows. Our hero performs prodigies in the _valse à deux -temps_, and twirls about until he has not a leg left to stand upon. The -harp, the violin, and the cornet-à-piston, from the county-town, play -mechanically in their sleep, and can only be roused by repeated -applications of gin-and-water. Carriages are ordered round: wraps are in -requisition: the mysterious rites under the white-berried bush are -stealthily repeated for the last time: the guests depart, as it were, in -a heap; the Rectory party being the last to leave. The intelligent Mr. -Mole, who has fuddled himself by an injudicious mixture of the -half-glasses of wine left on the supper-table, is exasperated with the -butler for not allowing him to assist in putting away the silver; and -declares that he (the butler) is "a hold himage," for which, he (the -intelligent Mr. M.), "don't care a button!" and, as the epithet "image" -appears to wondrously offend the butler, Mr. Mole is removed from -further consequences by his intelligent wife, who is waiting to conduct -her lord and master home. - -At length, the last light is out in the Manor-Green. Mr. Verdant Green -is lying uncomfortably upon his back, and is waltzing through Dreamland -with the blooming Patty Honeywood. - - - - -CHAPTER X. - -MR. VERDANT GREEN ENJOYS A REAL CIGAR. - - -The Christmas vacation passed rapidly away; the Honeywood family -returned to the far north; and, once more, Mr. Verdant Green found -himself within the walls of Brazenface. He and Mr. Bouncer had together -gone up to Oxford, leaving Charles Larkyns behind to keep a grace-term. - -Charles Larkyns had determined to take a good degree. For some time -past, he had been reading steadily; and, though only a few hours in each -day may be given to books--yet, when that is done, with regularity and -painstaking, a real and sensible progress is made. He knew that he had -good abilities, and he had determined not to let them remain idle any -longer, but to make that use of them for which they were given to him. -His examination would come on during the next term; and he hoped to turn -the interval to good account, and be able in the end to take a -respectable degree. He was destined for the Bar; and, as he had no wish -to be a briefless Barrister, he knew that college honours would be of -great advantage to him in his after career. He, at once, therefore, set -bodily to work to read up his subjects; while his father assisted him in -his labours, and Mary Green smiled a kind approval. - -Meanwhile, his friends, Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Henry Bouncer, were -enjoying Oxford life, and disporting themselves among the crowd of -skaters in the Christ Church meadows. And a very different scene did the -meadows present to the time when they had last skimmed over its surface. -Then, the green fields were covered with sailing-boats, out-riggers, and -punts, and Mr. Verdant Green had nearly come to an untimely end in the -waters. But now the scene was changed! Jack Frost had stepped in, and -had seized the flood in his frozen fingers, and had bound it up in an -icy breast-plate. - -And a capital place did the meadows make for any Undergraduate who was -either a professed skater, or whose skating education (as in the case of -our hero) had been altogether neglected. For the water was only of a -moderate depth; so that, in the event of the ice giving way, there was -nothing to fear beyond a slight and partial ducking. This was -especially fortunate for Mr. Verdant Green, who, after having -experienced total submersion and a narrow escape from drowning on that -very spot, would never have been induced to again commit himself to the -surface of the deep, had he not been fully convinced that the deep had -now subsided into a shallow. With his breast fortified by this -resolution, he therefore fell a victim to the syren tongue of Mr. -Bouncer, when that gentleman observed to him with sincere feeling, -"Giglamps, old fellow! it would be a beastly shame, when there's such -jolly ice, if you did not learn to skate; especially, as I can show you -the trick." - -For, Mr. Bouncer was not only skilful with his hands and arms, but could -also perform feats with his feet. He could not only dance quadrilles in -dress boots in a ball-room, but he could also go through the figures on -the ice in a pair of skates. He could do the outside edge at a more -acute angle than the generality of people; he could cut figures of eight -that were worthy of Cocker himself, he could display spread-eagles that -would have astonished the Fellows of the Zoological Society. He could -skim over the thinnest ice in the most don't-care way; and, when -at full speed, would stoop to pick up a stone. He would take a -hop-skip-and-a-jump; and would vault over walking-sticks, as easily as -if he were on dry land,--an accomplishment which he had learnt of the -Count Doembrownski, a Russian gentleman, who, in his own country, lived -chiefly on skates, and, in this country, on pigeons, and whose short -residence in Oxford was suddenly brought to a full stop by the arbitrary -power of the Vice-Chancellor. So, Mr. Verdant Green was persuaded to -purchase, and put on a pair of skates, and to make his first appearance -as a skater in the Christ Church meadows, under the auspices of Mr. -Bouncer. - -The sensation of first finding yourself in a pair of skates is peculiar. -It is not unlike the sensation which must have been felt by the young -bear, when he was dropped from his mamma's mouth, and, for the first -time, told to walk. The poor little bear felt, that it was all very well -to say "walk,"--but how was he to do it? Was he to walk with his right -fore-leg only? or, with his left fore-leg? or, with both his fore-legs? -or, was he to walk with his right hind-leg? or, with his left hind-leg? -or, with both his hind-legs? or, was he to make a combination of hind -and fore-legs, and walk with all four at once? or, what was he to do? So -he tried each of these ways; and they all failed. Poor little bear! - -[Illustration] - -Mr. Verdant Green felt very much in the little bear's condition. He was -undecided whether to skate with his right leg, or with his left leg, or -with both his legs. He tried his right leg, and immediately it glided -off at right angles with his body, while his left leg performed a -similar and spontaneous movement in the contrary direction. Having -captured his left leg, he put it cautiously forwards, and immediately it -twisted under him, while his right leg amused itself by describing an -altogether unnecessary circle. Obtaining a brief mastery over both legs, -he put them forwards at the same moment, and they fled from beneath him, -and he was flung--bump!--on his back. Poor little bear! - -But, if it is hard to make a start in a pair of skates when you are in a -perpendicular position, how much is the difficulty increased when your -position has become a horizontal one! You raise yourself on your -knees,--you assist yourself with your hands,--and, no sooner have you -got one leg right, than away slides the other, and down you go. It is -like the movement in that scene with the pair of short stilts, in which -the French clowns are so amusing, and it is almost as difficult to -perform. Mr. Verdant Green soon found that though he might be ambitious -to excel in the polite accomplishment of skating, yet that his ambition -was destined to meet with many a fall. But he persevered, and -perseverance will achieve wonders, especially when aided by the tuition -of such an indefatigable gentleman as Mr. Bouncer. - -[Illustration] - -"You get on stunningly, Giglamps," said the little gentleman, "and -hav'nt been on your beam ends more than once a minute. But I should -advise you, old fellow, to get your sit-upons seated with -wash-leather,--just like the eleventh hussars do with their -cherry-coloured pants. It'll come cheaper in the end, and may be -productive of comfort. And now, after all these exciting ups and downs, -let us go and have a quiet hand at billiards." So the two friends -strolled up the High, where they saw two Queensmen "confessing their -shame," as Mr. Bouncer phrased it, by standing under the gateway of -their college; and went on to Bickerton's, where they found all the -tables occupied, and Jonathan playing a match with Mr. Fluke of -Christchurch. So, after watching the celebrated marker long enough to -inspire them with a desire to accomplish similar feats of dexterity, -they continued their walk to Broad Street, and, turning up a yard -opposite to the Clarendon, found that Betteris had an upstair room at -liberty. Here they accomplished several pleasing mathematical problems -with the balls, and contributed their modicum towards the smoking of the -ceiling of the room. - -Since Mr. Verdant Green had acquired the art of getting through a cigar -without making himself ill, he had looked upon himself as a genuine -smoker; and had, from time to time, bragged of his powers as regarded -the fumigation of "the herb Nicotiana, commonly called tobacco," (as the -Oxford statute tersely says). This was an amiable weakness on his part -that had not escaped the observant eye of Mr. Bouncer, who had -frequently taken occasion, in the presence of his friends, to defer to -Mr. Verdant Green's judgment in the matter of cigars. The train of -adulation being thus laid, an opportunity was only needed to fire it. It -soon came. - -[Illustration] - -"Once upon a time," as the story-books say, it chanced that Mr. Bouncer -was consuming his minutes and cigars at his tobacconist's, when his eye -lighted for the thousandth time on the roll of cabbage-leaves, brown -paper, and refuse tobacco, which being done up into the form of a -monster cigar (a foot long, and of proportionate thickness), was hung in -the shop-window, and did duty as a truthful token of the commodity -vended within. Mr. Bouncer had looked at this implement nine hundred -and ninety nine times, without its suggesting anything else to his -mind, than its being of the same class of art as the monster -mis-representations outside wild-beast shows; but he now gazed upon it -with new sensations. In short, Mr. Bouncer took such a fancy to the -thing, that he purchased it, and took it off to his rooms,--though he -did not mention this fact to his friend, Mr. Verdant Green, when he saw -him soon afterwards, and spoke to him of his excellent judgment in -tobacco. - -"A taste for smoke comes natural, Giglamps!" said Mr. Bouncer. "It's -what you call a _nascitur non fit_; and, if you haven't the gift, why -you can't purchase it. Now, you're a judge of smoke; it's a gift with -you, don't you see; and you could no more help knowing a good weed from -a bad one, than you could help waggling your tail if you were a -baa-lamb." - -Mr. Verdant Green bowed, and blushed, in acknowledgment of this -delightful flattery. - -"Now, there's old Footelights, you know; he's got an uncle, who's a -governor, or some great swell, out in Barbadoes. Well, every now and -then the old trump sends Footelights no end of a box of weeds; not -common ones, you understand, but regular tip-toppers; but they're quite -thrown away on poor Footelights, who'd think as much of cabbage-leaves -as he would of real Havannahs, so he's always obliged to ask somebody -else's opinion about them. Well, he's got a sample of a weed of a most -terrific kind:--_Magnifico Pomposo_ is the name;--no end uncommon, and -at least a foot long. We don't meet with 'em in England because they're -too expensive to import. Well, it would'nt do to throw away such a weed -as this on any one; so, Footelights wants to have the opinion of a man -who's really a judge of what a good weed is. I refused, because my taste -has been rather out of order lately; and Billy Blades is in training for -Henley, so he's obliged to decline; so I told him of you, Giglamps, and -said, that if there was a man in Brazenface that could tell him what his -Magnifico Pomposo was worth, that man was Verdant Green. Don't blush, -old feller! you can't help having a fine judgment, you know; so don't be -ashamed of it. Now, you must wine with me this evening; Footelights and -some more men are coming; and we're all anxious to hear your opinion -about these new weeds, because, if it's favourable we can club together, -and import a box." Mr. Bouncer's victim, being perfectly unconscious of -the trap laid for him, promised to come to the wine, and give his -opinion on this weed of fabled size and merit. - -[Illustration] - -When the evening and company had come, he was rather staggered at -beholding the dimensions of the pseudo-cigar; but, rashly judging that -to express surprise would be to betray ignorance, Mr. Verdant Green -inspected the formidable monster with the air of a connoisseur, and -smelt, pinched, and rolled his tongue round it, after the manner of the -best critics. If this was a diverting spectacle to the assembled guests -of Mr. Bouncer, how must the humour of the scene have been increased, -when our hero, with great difficulty, lighted the cigar, and, with still -greater difficulty, held it in his mouth, and endeavoured to smoke it! -As Mr. Foote afterwards observed, "it was a situation for a screaming -farce." - -"It doesn't draw well!" faltered the victim, as the bundle of rubbish -went out for the fourth time. - -"Why, that's always the case with the Barbadoes baccy!" said Mr. Bouncer; -"it takes a long pull, and a strong pull, and a pull all together to get -it to make a start; but when once it does go, it goes beautiful--like a -house a-fire. But you can't expect it to be like a common threepenny -weed. Here! let me light him for you, Giglamps; I'll give the beggar a -dig in his ribs, as a gentle persuader." Mr. Bouncer thereupon poked -his pen-knife through the rubbish, and after a time induced it to -"draw;" and Mr. Verdant Green pulled at it furiously, and made his eyes -water with the unusual cloud of smoke that he raised. - -"And now, what d'ye think of it, my beauty?" inquired Mr. Bouncer. "It's -something out of the common, ain't it?" - -"It has a beautiful ash!" observed Mr. Smalls. - -"And diffuses an aroma that makes me long to defy the trainer, and smoke -one like it!" said Mr. Blades. - -"So pray give me your reading--at least, your opinion,--on my Magnifico -Pomposo!" asked Mr. Foote. - -"Well," answered Mr. Verdant Green, slowly--turning very pale as he -spoke,--"at first, I thought it was be-yew-tiful; but, altogether, I -think--that--the Barbadoes tobacco--doesn't quite--agree with--my -stom--" the speaker abruptly concluded by dropping the cigar, putting -his handkerchief to his mouth, and rushing into Mr. Bouncer's bedroom. -The Magnifico Pomposo had been too much for him, and had produced -sensations accurately interpreted by Mr. Bouncer, who forthwith -represented in expressive pantomine, the actions of a distressed -voyager, when he feebly murmurs "Steward!" - -[Illustration] - -To atone for the "chaffing" which he had been the means of inflicting on -his friend, the little gentleman, a few days afterwards, proposed to -take our hero to the Chipping Norton Steeple-chase,--Mr. Smalls and Mr. -Fosbrooke making up the quartet for a tandem. It was on their return -from the races, that, after having stopped at _The Bear_ at Woodstock, -"to wash out the horses' mouths," and having done this so effectually -that the horses had appeared to have no mouths left, and had refused to -answer the reins, and had smashed the cart against a house, which had -seemed to have danced into the middle of the road for their -diversion,--and, after having put back to _The Bear_, and prevailed upon -that animal to lend them a non-descript vehicle of the "pre-adamite -buggy" species, described by Sidney Smith,--that, much time having been -consumed by the progress of this chapter of accidents, they did not -reach Peyman's Gate until a late hour; and Mr. Verdant Green found that -he was once more in difficulties. For they had no sooner got through the -gate, than the wild octaves from Mr. Bouncer's post-horn were suddenly -brought to a full stop, and Mr. Fosbrooke, who was the "waggoner," was -brought to Woh! and was compelled to pull up in obedience to the command -of the proctor, who, as on a previous occasion, suddenly appeared from -behind the toll-house, in company with his marshall and bull-dogs. - -The Sentence pronounced on our hero the next day, was, "Sir!--You will -translate all your lectures; have your name crossed on the buttery and -kitchen books; and be confined to chapel, hall, and college." - -This sentence was chiefly annoying, inasmuch as it somewhat interfered -with the duties and pleasures attendant upon his boating practice. For, -wonderful to relate, Mr. Verdant Green had so much improved in the -science, that he was now "Number 3" of his college "Torpid," and was in -hard training. The Torpid races commenced on March 10th, and were -continued on the following days. Our hero sent his father a copy of -"_Tintinnabulum's Life_," which--after informing the Manor Green family -that "the boats took up positions in the following order: Brazenose, -Exeter 1, Wadham, Balliol, St. John's, Pembroke, University, Oriel, -Brazenface, Christ Church 1, Worcester, Jesus, Queen's, Christ Church 2, -Exeter 2"--proceeded to enter into particulars of each day's sport, of -which it is only necessary to record such as gave interest to our hero's -family. - -"First day. * * * Brazenface refused to acknowledge the bump by Christ -Church (1) before they came to the Cherwell. There is very little doubt -but that they were bumped at the Gut and the Willows. * * * - -"Second day. * * * Brazenface rowed pluckily away from Worcester. * * * - -"Third day. * * * A splendid race between Brazenface and Worcester; and, -at the flag, the latter were within a foot; they did not, however, -succeed in bumping. The cheering from the Brazenface barge was -vociferous. * * * - -"Fourth day. * * * Worcester was more fortunate, and succeeded in making -the bump at the Cherwell, in consequence of No. 3 of the Brazenface boat -fainting from fatigue." - -Under "No. 3" Mr. Verdant Green had drawn a pencil line, and had written -"V. G." He shortly after related to his family the gloomy particulars of -the bump, when he returned home for the Easter vacation. - - - - -CHAPTER XI. - -MR. VERDANT GREEN GETS THROUGH HIS SMALLS. - - -Despite the hindrance which the _grande passion_ is supposed to bring to -the student, Charles Larkyns had made very good use of the opportunities -afforded him by the leisure of his grace-term. Indeed, as he himself -observed, - - "Who hath not owned, with rapture-smitten frame, - The power of _grace_?" - -And as he felt that the hours of his grace-term had not been wasted in -idleness, but had been turned to profitable account, it is not at all -unlikely that his pleasures of hope regarding his Degree-examination, -and the position his name would occupy in the Class-list, were of a -roseate hue. He therefore, when the Easter vacation had come to an end, -returned to Oxford in high spirits, with our hero and his friend Mr. -Bouncer, who, after a brief visit to "the Mum," had passed the remainder -of the vacation at the Manor Green. During these few holiday weeks, -Charles Larkyns had acted as private tutor to his two friends, and had, -in the language of Mr. Bouncer, "put them through their paces uncommon;" -for the little gentleman was going in for his Degree, _alias_ Great-go, -_alias_ Greats; and our hero for his first examination _in literis -humanioribus_, _alias_ Responsions, _alias_ Little-go, _alias_ Smalls. -Thus the friends returned to Oxford mutually benefited; but, as the time -for examination drew nearer and still nearer, the fears of Mr. Bouncer -rose in a gradation of terrors, that threatened to culminate in an -actual panic. - -"You see," said the little gentleman, "the Mum's set her heart on my -getting through, and I must read like the doose. And I havn't got the -head, you see, for Latin and Greek; and that beastly Euclid altogether -stumps me; and I feel as though I should come to grief. I'm blowed," the -little gentleman would cry, earnestly and sadly, "I'm blow'd if I don't -think they must have given me too much pap when I was a babby, and -softened my brains! or else, why can't I walk into these classical -parties just as easy as you, Charley, or old Giglamps there? But I -can't, you see: my brains are addled. They say it ain't a bad thing for -reading to get your head shaved. It cools your brains, and gives full -play to what you call your intellectual faculties. I think I shall try -the dodge, and get a gent's real head of hair, till after the exam.; and -then, when I've stumped the examiners, I can wear my own luxuriant locks -again." - -[Illustration] - -And, as Mr. Bouncer professed, so did he; and, not many days after, -astonished his friends and the University generally by appearing in a -wig of curly black hair. It was a pleasing sight to see the little -gentleman with a scalp like a billiard ball, a pipe in his mouth, and -the wig mounted on a block, with books spread before him, endeavouring -to persuade himself that he was working up his subjects. It was still -more pleasing to view him, in moments of hilarity, divest himself of his -wig, and hurl it at the scout, or any other offensive object that -appeared before him. And it was a sight not to be forgotten by the -beholders, when, after too recklessly partaking of an indiscriminate -mixture of egg-flip, sangarce, and cider-cup, he feebly threw his wig at -the spectacles of Mr. Verdant Green, and, overbalanced by the exertion, -fell back into the coal-scuttle, where he lay, bald-headed and -helpless, laughing and weeping by turns, and caressed by Huz and Buz. - -But the shaving of his head was not the only feature (or, rather, loss -of feature) that distinguished Mr. Bouncer's reading for his degree. The -gentleman with the limited knowledge of the cornet-à-piston, who had the -rooms immediately beneath those of our hero and his friend, had made -such slow progress in his musical education, that he had even now -scarcely got into his "Cottage near a Wood." This gentleman was Mr. -Bouncer's Frankenstein. He was always rising up when he was not wanted. -When Mr. Bouncer felt as if he could read, and sat down to his books, -wigless and determined, the doleful legend of the cottage near a wood -was forced upon him in an unpleasingly obtrusive and distracting manner. -It was in vain that Mr. Bouncer sounded his octaves in all their -discordant variations; the gentleman had no ear, and was not to be put -out of his cottage on any terms; Mr. Bouncer's notices of ejectment were -always disregarded. He had hoped that the ears of Mr. Slowcoach (whose -rooms were in the angle of the Quad) would have been pierced by the -noise, and that he would have put a stop to the nuisance; but, either -from its being too customary a custom, or that the ears of Mr. Slowcoach -had grown callous, the nuisance was suffered to continue unreproved. - -Mr. Bouncer resolved, therefore, on some desperate method of calling -attention to one nuisance, by creating another of a louder description; -and, as his octaves appeared to fail in this,--notwithstanding the -energy and annoying ability that he threw into them,--he conceived the -idea of setting up a drum! The plan was no sooner thought of than -carried out. He met with an instrument sufficiently large and formidable -for his purpose,--hired it, and had it stealthily conveyed into college -(like another Falstaff) in a linen "buck-basket." He waited his -opportunity; and, the next time that the gentleman in the rooms beneath -took his cornet to his cottage near a wood, Mr. Bouncer, stationed on -the landing above, played a thundering accompaniment on his big drum. - -[Illustration] - -The echoes from the tightened parchment rolled round the Quad, and -brought to the spot a rush of curious and excited undergraduates. Mr. -Bouncer,--after taking off his wig in honour of the air,--then treated -them to the National Anthem, arranged as a drum solo for two sticks, the -chorus being sustained by the voices of those present; when in the midst -of the entertainment, the reproachful features of Mr. Slowcoach -appeared upon the scene. Sternly the tutor demanded the reason of the -strange hubbub; and was answered by Mr. Bouncer, that, as one gentleman -was allowed to play _his_ favourite instrument whenever he chose, for -_his_ own but no one else's gratification, he could not see why he (Mr. -Bouncer) might not also, whenever he pleased, play for his own -gratification his favourite instrument--the big drum. This specious -excuse, although logical, was not altogether satisfactory to Mr. -Slowcoach; and, with some asperity, he ordered Mr. Bouncer never again -to indulge in, what he termed (in reference probably to the little -gentleman's bald head), "such an indecent exhibition." But, as he -further ordered that the cornet-à-piston gentleman was to instrumentally -enter into his cottage near a wood, only at stated hours in the -afternoon, Mr. Bouncer had gained his point in putting a stop to the -nuisance so far as it interfered with his reading; and, thenceforth, he -might be seen on brief occasions persuading himself that he was -furiously reading and getting up his subjects by the aid of those royal -roads to knowledge, variously known as cribs, crams, plugs, abstracts, -analyses, or epitomes. - -But, besides the assistance thus afforded to him _out_ of the schools, -Mr. Bouncer, like many others, idle as well as ignorant, intended to -assist himself when _in_ the schools by any contrivance that his -ingenuity could suggest, or his audacity carry out. - -"It's quite fair," was the little gentleman's argument, "to do the -examiners in any way that you can, as long as you only go in for a pass. -Of course, if you were going in for a class, or a scholarship, or -anything of that sort, it would be no end mean and dirty to crib; and -the gent that did it ought to be kicked out of the society of gentlemen. -But when you only go in for a pass, and ain't doing any one any harm by -a little bit of cribbing, but choose to run the risk to save yourself -the bother of being ploughed, why then, I think, a feller's bound to do -what he can for himself. And, you see, in my case, Giglamps, there's the -Alum to be considered; she'd cut up doosid, if I didn't get through; so -I must crib a bit, if it's only for _her_ sake." - -But although the little gentleman thus made filial tenderness the excuse -for his deceit, and the salve for his conscience, yet he could neither -persuade Mr. Verdant Green to follow his example, nor to be a convert to -his opinions; nor would he be persuaded by our hero to relinquish his -designs. - -[Illustration] - -"Why, look here, Giglamps!" Mr. Bouncer would say; "how _can_ I -relinquish them, after having had all this trouble? I'll put you up to a -few of my dodges--free, gratis, for nothing. In the first place, -Giglamps, you see here's a small circular bit of paper, covered with -Peloponnesian and Punic wars, and no end of dates,--written small and -short, you see, but quite legible,--with the chief things done in red -ink. Well, this gentleman goes in the front of my watch, under the -glass; and, when I get stumped for a date, out comes the watch;--I look -at the time of day--you understand, and down goes the date. Here's -another dodge!" added the little gentleman--who might well have been -called "the Artful Dodger"--as he produced a shirt from a drawer. "Look -here, at the wristbands! Here are all the Kings of Israel and Judah, -with their dates and prophets, written down in India-ink, so as to wash -out again. You twitch up the cuff of your coat, quite accidentally, and -then you book your king. You see, Giglamps, I don't like to trust, as -some fellows do, to having what you want, written down small and shoved -into a quill, and passed to you by some man sitting in the schools; -that's dangerous, don't you see. And I don't like to hold cards in my -hand; I've improved on that, and invented a first-rate dodge of my own, -that I intend to take out a patent for. Like all truly great inventions, -it's no end simple. In the first place, look straight afore you, my -little dear, and you will see this pack of cards,--all made of a size, -nice to hold in the palm of your hand; they're about all sorts of rum -things,--everything that I want. And you see that each beggar's got a -hole drilled in him. And you see, here's a longish string with a little -bit of hooked wire at the end, made so that I can easily hang the card -on it. Well, I pass the string up my coat sleeve, and down under my -waistcoat; and here, you see, I've got the wire end in the palm of my -hand. Then, I slip out the card I want, and hook it on to the wire, so -that I can have it just before me as I write. Then, if any of the -examiners look suspicious, or if one of them comes round to spy, I just -pull the bit of string that hangs under the bottom of my waistcoat, and -away flies the card up my coat sleeve; and when the examiner comes -round, he sees that my hand's never moved, and that there's nothing in -it! So he walks off satisfied; and then I shake the little beggar out of -my sleeve again, and the same game goes on as before. And when the -string's tight, even straightening your body is quite sufficient to -hoist the card into your sleeve, without moving either of your hands. -I've got an Examination-coat made on purpose, with a heap of pockets, in -which I can stow my cards in regular order. These three pockets," said -Mr. Bouncer, as he produced the coat, "are entirely for Euclid. Here's -each problem written right out on a card; they're laid regularly in -order, and I turn them over in my pocket, till I get hold of the one I -want, and then I take it out, and work it. So you see, Giglamps, I'm -safe to get through!--it's impossible for them to plough me, with all -these contrivances. That's a consolation for a cove in distress, ain't -it, old feller?" - -Both our hero and Charles Larkyns endeavoured to persuade Mr. Bouncer -that his conduct would, at the very least, be foolhardy, and that he had -much better throw his pack of cards into the fire, wash the Kings of -Israel and Judah off his shirt, destroy his strings and hooked wires, -and keep his Examination-coat for a shooting one. But all their -arguments were in vain; and the infatuated little gentleman, like a -deaf adder, shut his ears at the voice of the charmer. - -What between the Cowley cricketings, and the Isis boatings, Mr. Verdant -Green only read by spasmodic fits; but, as he was very fairly up in his -subjects--thanks to Charles Larkyns and the Rector--and as the Little-go -was not such a very formidable affair, or demanded a scholar of -first-rate calibre, the only terrors that the examination could bring -him were those which were begotten of nervousness. At length the lists -were out; and our hero read among the names of candidates, that of - - "GREEN, _Verdant, è Coll. Æn. Fac._" - -There is a peculiar sensation on first seeing your name in print. -Instances are on record where people have taken a world of trouble -merely that they may have the pleasure of perusing their names "among -the fashionables present" at the Countess of So-and-so's -evening-reception; and cases are not wanting where young ladies and -gentlemen have expended no small amount of pocket-money in purchasing -copies of _The Times_ (no reduction, too, being made on taking a -quantity!) in order that their sympathising friends might have the pride -of seeing their names as coming out at drawing-rooms and _levées_. When -a young M.P. has stammered out his _coup-d'essai_ in the House, he -views, with mingled emotions, his name given to the world, for the first -time, in capital letters. When young authors and artists first see their -names in print, is it not a pleasure to them? When Ensign Dash sees -himself gazetted, does he not look on his name with a peculiar -sensation, and forthwith send an impression of the paper to Master -Jones, who was flogged with him last week for stealing apples? When Mr. -Smith is called to the Bar, and Mr. Robinson can dub himself M.R.C.S., -do they not behold their names in print with feelings of rapture? And -when Miss Brown has been to her first ball, does she not anxiously await -the coming of the next county newspaper, in order to have the happiness -of reading her name there? - -[Illustration] - -But, different to these are the sensations that attend the seeing your -name first in print in a College examination-list. They are, probably, -somewhat similar to the sensations you would feel on seeing your name in -a death-warrant. Your blood runs hot, then cold, then hot again; your -pulse goes at fever pace; the throbbing arteries of your brow almost -jerk your cap off. You know that the worst is come,--that the law of the -Dons, which altereth not, has fixed your name there, and that there is -no escape. The courage of despair then takes possession of your soul, -and nerves you for the worst. You join the crowd of nervous -fellow-sufferers who are thronging round the buttery-door to examine the -list, and you begin with them calmly to parcel out the names by sixes -and eights, and then to arrive at an opinion when your day of execution -will be. If your name comes at the head of the list, you wish that you -were "YOUNG, _Carolus, è Coll. Vigorn._" that you might have a reprieve -of your sentence. If your name is at the end of the list, you wish that -you were "ADAMS, _Edvardus Jacobus, è Coll. Univ._" that you might go in -at once, and be put out of your misery. If your name is in the middle of -the list, you wish that it were elsewhere: and then you wish that it -were out of the list altogether. - -Through these varying shades of emotion did Mr. Verdant Green pass, -until at length they were all lost in the deeper gloom of actual -entrance into the schools. When once there, his fright soon passed away. -Re-assured by the kindly voice of the examiner, telling him to read over -his Greek before construing it, our hero recovered his equanimity, and -got through his _vivâ voce_ with flying colours; and, on glancing over -his paper-work, soon saw that the questions were within his scope, and -that he could answer most of them. Without hazarding his success by -making "bad shots," he contented himself by answering those questions -only on which he felt sure; and, when his examination was over, he left -the schools with a pretty safe conviction that he was safe, "and was -well through his smalls." - -He could not but help, however, feeling some anxiety on the subject, -until he was relieved from all further fears, by the arrival of Messrs. -Fosbrooke, Smalls, and Blades, with a slip of paper (not unlike those -which Mr. Levi, the sheriff's officer, makes use of), on which was -written and printed as follows:-- - -"GREEN, VERDANT, È COLL. ÆN. FAC. - -"Quæstionibua Magistrorum Scholarum in Parviso pro forma respondit. - - "Ita testamur, { GULIELMUS SMITH, - { ROBERTUS JONES. - - "_Junii_ 7, 18--." - -Alas for Mr. Bouncer! Though he had put in practice all the ingenious -plans which were without a doubt to ensure his success; and though he -had worked his cribs with consummate coolness, and had not been -discovered; yet, nevertheless, his friends came to him empty-handed. The -infatuated little gentleman had either trusted too much to his own -astuteness, or else he had over-reached himself, and had used his -card-knowledge in wrong places; or, perhaps, the examiners may have -suspected his deeds from the nature of his papers, and may have refused -to pass him. But whatever might be the cause, the little gentleman had -to defer taking his degree for some months at least. In a word--and a -dreadful word it is to all undergraduates--Mr. Bouncer was PLUCKED! He -bore his unexpected reverse of fortune very philosophically, and -professed to regret it only for "the Mum's" sake; but he seemed to feel -that the Dons of his college would look shy upon him, and he expressed -his opinion that it would be better for him to migrate to the -Tavern.[15] - -But, while Mr. Bouncer was thus deservedly punished for his idleness and -duplicity, Charles Larkyns was rewarded for all his toil. He did even -better than he had expected: for, not only did his name appear in the -second class, but the following extra news concerning him was published -in the daily papers, under the very appropriate heading of "University -_Intelligence_." - - "OXFORD, June 9.--The Chancellor's prizes have been awarded as - follows:-- - - "Latin Essay, Charles Larkyns, Commoner of Brazenface. The New - digate Prize for English Verse was also awarded to the same - gentleman." - -His writing for the prize poem had been a secret. He had conceived the -idea of doing so when the subject had been given out in the previous -"long:" he had worked at the subject privately, and, when the day (April -1) on which the poems had to be sent in, had come, he had watched his -opportunity, and secretly dropped through the wired slit in the door of -the registrar's office at the Clarendon, a manuscript poem, -distinguished by the motto:-- - - "Oh for the touch of a vanish'd hand - And the sound of a voice that is still." - -We may be quite sure that there was great rejoicing at the Manor Green -and the Rectory, when the news arrived of the success of Charles Larkyns -and Mr. Verdant Green. - -FOOTNOTES: - -[15] A name given to New Inn Hall, not only from its title, "New Inn," -but also because the buttery is open all day, and the members of the -Hall can call for what they please at any hour, the same as in a tavern. - - - - -CHAPTER XII. - -MR. VERDANT GREEN AND HIS FRIENDS ENJOY THE COMMEMORATION. - - -The Commemoration had come; and, among the people who were drawn to the -sight from all parts of the country, the Warwickshire coach landed in -Oxford our friends Mr. Green, his two eldest daughters, and the -Rector--for all of whom Charles Larkyns had secured very comfortable -lodgings in Oriel Street. - -[Illustration] - -The weather was of the finest; and the beautiful city of colleges looked -at its best. While the Rector met with old friends, and heard his son's -praises, and renewed his acquaintance with his old haunts of study, Mr. -Green again lionised Oxford in a much more comfortable and satisfactory -manner than he had previously done at the heels of a professional guide. -As for the young ladies, they were charmed with everything; for they had -never before been in an University town, and all things had the -fascination of novelty. Great were the luncheons held in Mr. Verdant -Green's and Charles Larkyns' rooms; musical was the laughter that -floated merrily through the grave old quads of Brazenface; happy were -the two hearts that held converse with each other in those cool -cloisters and shady gardens. How a few flounces and bright girlish -smiles can change the aspect of the sternest homes of knowledge! How -sunlight can be brought into the gloomiest nooks of learning by the -beams that irradiate happy girlish faces, where the light of love and -truth shines out clear and joyous! How the appearance of the -Commemoration week is influenced in a way thus described by one of -Oxonia's poets:-- - - "Peace! for in the gay procession brighter forms are borne along-- - Fairer scholars, pleasure-beaming, float amid the classic throng. - Blither laughter's ringing music fills the haunts of men awhile, - And the sternest priests of knowledge blush beneath a maiden's smile. - Maidens teach a softer science--laughing Love his pinions dips, - Hush'd to hear fantastic whispers murmur'd from a pedant's lips. - Oh, believe it, throbbing pulses flutter under folds of starch, - And the Dons are human-hearted if the ladies' smiles be arch." - -Thanks to the influence of Charles Larkyns and his father, the party -were enabled to see all that was to be seen during the Commemoration -week. On the Saturday night they went to the amateur concert at the Town -Hall, in aid of which, strange to say, Mr. Bouncer's proffer of his big -drum had been declined. On the Sunday they went, in the morning, to St. -Mary's to hear the Bampton lecture; and, in the afternoon, to the -magnificent choral service at New College. In the evening they attended -the customary "Show Sunday" promenade in Christ Church Broad Walk, -where, under the delicious cool of the luxuriant foliage, they met all -the rank, beauty, and fashion that were assembled in Oxford; and where, -until Tom "tolled the hour for retiring," they threaded their way amid -a miscellaneous crowd of Dons and Doctors, and Tufts and Heads of -Houses,-- - - With prudes for Proctors, dowagers for Deans, - And bright girl-graduates with their golden hair. - -On the Monday they had a party to Woodstock and Blenheim; and in the -evening went, on the Brazenface barge, to see the procession of boats, -where the Misses Green had the satisfaction to see their brother pulling -in one of the fifteen torpids that followed immediately in the wake of -the other boats. They concluded the evening's entertainments in a most -satisfactory manner, by going to the ball at the Town Hall. - -[Illustration] - -Indeed, the way the two young ladies worked was worthy of all credit, -and proved them to be possessed of the most vigorous constitutions; for, -although they danced till an early hour in the morning, they not only, -on the next day, went to the anniversary sermon for the Radcliffe, and -after that to the horticultural show in the Botanical Gardens, and after -that to the concert in the Sheldonian Theatre, but--as though they had -not had enough to fatigue them already--they must, forsooth--Brazenface -being one of the ball-giving colleges--wind up the night by accepting -the polite invitation of Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Charles Larkyns to a -ball given in their college hall. And how many polkas these young ladies -danced, and how many waltzes they waltzed, and how many ices they -consumed, and how many too susceptible partners they drove to the verge -of desperation, it would be improper, if not impossible, to say. - -[Illustration] - -But, however much they might have been fagged by their exertions of feet -and features, it is certain that, by ten of the clock the next morning, -they appeared, quite fresh and charming to the view, in the ladies' -gallery in the theatre. There--after the proceedings had been opened by -the undergraduates in _their_ peculiar way, and by the vice-chancellor -in _his_ peculiar way--and, after the degrees had been conferred, and -the public orator had delivered an oration in a tongue not understanded -of the people, our friends from Warwickshire had the delight of -beholding Mr. Charles Larkyns ascend the rostrums to deliver, in their -proper order, the Latin Essay and the English Verse. He had chosen his -friend Verdant to be his prompter; so that the well-known "giglamps" of -our hero formed, as it were, a very focus of attraction: but it was well -for Mr. Charles Larkyns that he was possessed of self-control and a good -memory, for Mr. Verdant Green was far too nervous to have prompted him -in any efficient manner. We may be sure, that in all that bevy of fair -women, at least one pair of bright eyes kindled with rapture, and one -heart beat with exulting joy, when the deafening cheers that followed -the poet's description of the moon, the sea, and woman's love (the three -ingredients which are apparently necessary for the sweetening of all -prize poems), rang through the theatre and made its walls re-echo to the -shouting. And we may be sure that, when it was all over, and when the -Commemoration had come to an end, Charles Larkyns felt rewarded for all -his hours of labour by the deep love garnered up in his heart by the -trustful affection of one who had become as dear to him as life itself! - - * * * * * - -It was one morning after they had all returned to the Manor Green that -our hero said to his friend, "How I _do_ wish that this day week were -come!" - -"I dare say you do," replied the friend; "and I dare say that the pretty -Patty is wishing the same wish." Upon which Mr. Verdant Green not only -laughed but blushed! - -For it seemed that he, together with his sisters, Mr. Charles Larkyns, -and Mr. Bouncer, were about to pay a long-vacation visit to Honeywood -Hall, in the county of Northumberland; and the young man was naturally -looking forward to it with all the ardour of a first and consuming -passion. - -THE END - - - - -POPULAR ILLUSTRATED WORKS - -PUBLISHED BY -H. INGRAM AND CO. -MILFORD HOUSE, MILFORD LAKE, STRAND, LONDON, -AND BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. - - * * * * * - -THE NATIONAL ILLUSTRATED LIBRARY. - - _Each Volume containing about 300 Pages and numerous Engravings, - Crown 8vo, handsomely bound in cloth, gilt, 2s. 6d.; cloth extra, - gilt edges, 3s. 6d.; morocco, gilt edges, 7s. 6d.; morocco - antique, 10s. 6d.; 2 vols, in 1, calf, marbled edges, 9s.; - morocco, gilt edges, 10s. 6d._ - - -BOSWELL'S LIFE of Dr. JOHNSON. Complete in four volumes. With numerous -Portraits, Views, and Characteristic Designs, engraved from Authentic -Sources.--_Third Edition._ - -THE ILLUSTRATED BOOK of ENGLISH SONGS, from the Sixteenth to the -Nineteenth Century. With Fifty Engravings from Original -Designs.--_Fourth Edition._ - -THE MORMONS, or LATTER-DAY SAINTS. An account of the Rise and Progress -of this new Religious Sect. Illustrated with Forty Engravings from -Original Sources.--_Third Edition._ - -THE ORBS OF HEAVEN; or, the Planetary and Stellar Worlds. A popular -Exposition of the great Discoveries and Theories of Modern Astronomy. -Illustrated with Nebulæ, Portraits, Views, Diagrams, &c.--_Fourth -Edition._ - -PICTURES OF TRAVEL IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE. From the French of ALEXANDRE -DUMAS. With Fifty spirited Engravings on Wood.--_Second Edition._ - -HUC'S TRAVELS in TARTARY, THIBET, and CHINA, in 1854, 5, and 6. -_Unabridged Edition._ Two Volumes. With numerous Daguerreotyped -Illustrations, and a Map of the Countries, clearly illustrating the -Route of MM. HUC and GABET. - -A WOMAN'S JOURNEY ROUND THE WORLD. _Unabridged._ From the German of IDA -PFEIFFER. In One Volume. With Twelve Page Engravings, _printed in -Colours_.--_Third Edition._ - -MEMOIRS OF EXTRAORDINARY POPULAR DELUSIONS. Two Vols. By CHARLES MACKAY, -LL.D. Illustrated with One Hundred and Twenty Engravings from scarce -Prints and other Authentic Sources.--_Second Edition._ - - "These volumes will captivate the attention of readers, who, - according to their various tempers, feel either inclined to laugh - at or sigh over the follies of mankind."--_Times._ - -BOSWELL'S JOURNAL OF A TOUR TO THE HEBRIDES. Companion Volume to -"Boswell's Life of Johnson," with the Index to the "Life." By R. -CARRUTHERS, Esq., of Inverness.--_Second Edition._ - -NARRATIVE OF A RESIDENCE AT THE CAPITAL OF THE KINGDOM OF SIAM. With a -Description of the Manners and Customs of the Modern Siamese. By -FREDERICK ARTHUR NEALE, formerly in the Siamese Service, Author of -"Eight Years in Syria," &c. - -THE ILLUSTRATED BOOK OF SCOTTISH SONGS, from the Sixteenth to the -Nineteenth Century. With numerous Illustrations.--_Second Edition._ - -PICTURESQUE SKETCHES OF LONDON, PAST AND PRESENT. By THOMAS MILLER, -Author of the "History of the Anglo-Saxons," &c., with Illustrations. - -MADAME PFEIFFER'S VISIT TO ICELAND AND THE SCANDINAVIAN NORTH. Companion -Volume to "A Woman's Journey round the World." With Twelve Page -Engravings printed in Colours.--_Third Edition._ - -THE ISRAEL OF THE ALPS. A History of the Persecutions of the Waldenses. -By the Rev. Dr. ALEXIS MUSTON. Beautifully Illustrated.--_Second -Edition._ - -MADAME PFEIFFER'S VISIT TO THE HOLY LAND, EGYPT, AND ITALY. Uniform with -"A Woman's Journey round the World," and "Visit to Iceland." With Tinted -Engravings.--_Second Edition._ - -A NARRATIVE OF THE UNITED STATES EXPLORING EXPEDITION. Two Volumes. With -numerous Drawings made from the sketches of the Artist who accompanied -the Expedition, illustrative of the Manners, Customs, and Personal -Appearance of the Inhabitants, and Views of the Scenery of the Countries -visited. - -THE ILIAD OF HOMER. Translated into English Verse by ALEXANDER POPE. A -New Edition, with Notes, Illustrations, and Introduction, by the Rev. -THEODORE ALOIS BUCKLEY, M. A., Chaplain of Christ Church, Oxford. Two -Volumes. - - This Edition of Homer's Iliad contains the Classical Compositions - of Flaxman, beautifully drawn by T. D. SCOTT, Esq., and engraved - in the most careful manner by J. L. WILLIAMS, Esq. - -THE ODYSSEY OF HOMER. With FLAXMAN's Illustrations, &c. One Volume. -Edited by the Rev. THEODORE ALOIS BUCKLEY. - -THE COMPLETE ANGLER OF IZAAK WALTON and CHARLES COTTON. New Edition, -superbly illustrated with Fifty Engravings of Fishes, Fishing-Tackle, -Flies, and Portraits and Landscapes. Edited by EPHEMERA, of Bell's "Life -in London." - - This Edition of the Complete Angler contains 100 pages of Notes, - explanatory of the Text, and adapting to modern experience and - practice its obsolete instructions. - -EXTRAORDINARY MEN; THEIR BOYHOOD AND EARLY LIFE. By W. RUSSELL, Esq. -Illustrated with Fifty Engravings of Portraits, Birth-places, Incidents, -&c. - -THE PILGRIM'S PROGRESS FROM THIS WORLD TO THAT WHICH IS TO COME. By John -Bunyan. A New Edition, with a Memoir by J. M. HARE. The Allegory -illustrated by Thirty Outline Drawings by Clayton, and the Biographical -Sketch with interesting relics and recollections of the Author, by J. L. -WILLIAMS.--_Third Edition._ - - To ensure the completeness of the present Edition, it has been - carefully reprinted _verbatim_, without abridgment or - interpolation from the genuine old editions of JOHN BUNYAN. - -TRAVELS IN SPAIN. From the French of THEOPHILUS GAUTIER. Illustrated -with numerous Authentic Drawings by MACQUOID, of Spanish Architecture, -Scenery and Costume. - -THE LIFE OF ALEXANDER POPE, with extracts from his Correspondence. By R. -CARRUTHERS, Esq., of Inverness. Illustrated with Portraits of -distinguished Contemporaries of Pope, Scenes connected with the Poet's -Life and Works, and Incidents from his career. - -THE LIFE, PUBLIC AND DOMESTIC, OF THE RIGHT HON. EDMUND BURKE. By PETER -BURKE, Esq., of the Inner Temple and the Northern Circuit. Profusely -illustrated with Portraits, Scenes of Events, and Landscape Views, -relating to the great Orator and the other noted persons of his time and -career.--_Second Edition._ - -THE WORKS OF ALEXANDER POPE, edited by R. CARRUTHERS, Esq., of -Inverness. Volume II., containing The Rape of the Lock, Windsor Forest, -Imitations of Chaucer, Essay on Criticism, Vertumnus and Pomona, Abelard -and Héloise, Epistles, Odes, &c. &c. Illustrated with Incidents, -Localities, and Portraits, by J. PORTCH and T. D. SCOTT. - -THE NATURAL HISTORY AND ANTIQUITIES OF SELBORNE. By the Rev. GILBERT -WHITE, M.A. Edited, with Notes and Additions, by Sir WILLIAM JARDINE, -Bart., F.R.S.E., F.L.S., M.W.S. Fully illustrated. - -THE POETICAL WORKS OF ALEXANDER POPE. Volume III., containing The -Dunciad, The Essay on Man, &c. Completely illustrated. - -THE POETICAL WORKS OF ALEXANDER POPE. Volume IV., containing Satires, -Miscellaneous Pieces, &c. Illustrated with Incidents, Localities, and -Portraits, by J. PORTCH and T. D. SCOTT. - - Great pains have been taken to render this Edition accurate and - complete. Several important mistakes of the previous biographers - and Editors of Pope have been rectified, and new information - added. - - "This illustrated Edition is the most lucid, comprehensive, and - correct, that has yet issued from the press."--_Britannia._ - - "This Edition of Pope's Works is a very useful addition to our - literature, and will be read as long as there is any taste left - for vigorous thought expressed in nervous language."--_Economist._ - -THE LIFE AND TIMES OF SIR WALTER RALEIGH, with copious Extracts from his -"History of the World." By CHARLES WHITEHEAD. Fully illustrated. - -JOHNSON'S LIVES OF THE POETS. Completed to L. E. London by WILLIAM -HAZLITT, and including a Life of Lord Byron by SIR HENRY L. BULWER. In -Four Volumes. Illustrated with Portraits, Incidents, and Localities, by -JOHN GILBERT, T. D. SCOTT, and other artists. - -THE HISTORY OF RUSSIA, from the Foundation of the Monarchy by Rourick to -the close of the Hungarian War. To which are added Dissertations on -Serfdom, Landed Tenure, the Nobility, the Church, Trade, &c., of Russia. -By ALPHONSE RABBE and JONATHAN DUNCAN, B.A. With Tinted Illustrations -(by S. Read) of the principal Cities, Ports, and Harbours, and two Maps -of the Russian Empire. In two Volumes. - -SKETCHES OF LIFE IN THE CAUCASUS. By a Russe, many years resident among -the Mountain Tribes. With Eight Page Engravings. - -FERN LEAVES FROM FANNY'S PORTFOLIO. Second Edition. By FANNY FERN -(Sister to N. P. Willis). Illustrated with Eight Page Engravings in -Sepia tints, from designs by BIRKET FOSTER. Crown 8vo. cloth. - - Of this work 6,000 copies were ordered in America in advance of - publication, and 60,000 have been already sold. - - This is the only complete and Illustrated Edition. Several new - sketches by FANNY FERN have been added. Third Edition. - -LITTLE FERNS FOR FANNY'S LITTLE FRIENDS. The Juvenile Gift Book of the -Season. Embellished with Eight Page Engravings in Sepia tints, by BIRKET -FOSTER, engraved by EVANS. _Second Edition._--N.B. The copyright of this -book is secured. - -SAUNTERINGS IN AND ABOUT LONDON; or, a Foreigner's Impressions of -England. Translated from the German of SCHLESINGER, by OTTO WENCKSTERN. - -A "BRAGE-BEAKER" WITH THE SWEDES; being a Tourist's Experiences in -Scandinavia. By WILLIAM BLANCHARD JERROLD, Esq.; with numerous sketches -by the Author. - -THE ALAIN FAMILY. A Tale of the Norman Coast. By ALPHONSE KARR. With -Eight Page Illustrations by ANELAY. - -BLANCHE THE HUGUENOT. A Tale of the Persecutions of the French -Protestants. By WILLIAM ANDERSON, with Eight Page Illustrations by -GEORGE and W. L. THOMAS. - -THE PATHWAY OF THE FAWN. By Mrs. T. K. HERVEY. Illustrated with Chapter -Initials and Twelve highly-finished Engravings on Wood, printed in two -tints, and elegantly bound in cloth, gilt edges. - -MARIA LOUISE. Translated from the Swedish of EMILIE CARLEN. Illustrated -with Eight fine Engravings. - -THE LIFE OF TOUSSAINT-L'OUVERTURE, the Negro Patriot of Hayti. -Comprising Sketches of the War of Liberation in that Island, and an -outline of its more recent History. By the Rev. JOHN. R. BEARD, D.D. -Embellished with Seven Characteristic Sketches, and a Map of St. -Domingo. - -ADOLPHE RENOUARD: a Tale of Rural Life in France. By JAMES WARD, Esq. -With Eight Page Engravings. - -SEALFIELD'S CABIN-BOOK. Illustrated with Eight Page Engravings. This -interesting work contains Scenes and Sketches of the late American and -Mexican War. - -LADY FELICIA. By HENRY COCKTON, Author of "Valentine Vox." Post 8vo. -With Illustrated Frontispiece and Title, elegantly bound in blue and -silver. - -IVAR; OR, THE SKJUTS BOY. From the Swedish of EMILIE CARLEN. Author of -"Woman's Life." Illustrated. Bound in cloth, gilt. - -THE SQUANDERS OF CASTLE SQUANDER. A New Novel. In Two Volumes. By -WILLIAM CARLETON, Author of "The Black Prophet," "Traits of the Irish -Peasantry," &c. - -UNCLE TOM'S CABIN. By HARRIET B. STOWE. Sixth Edition. Embellished with -Eight Fine Engravings. - -THE WHITE SLAVE. A Tale of Slave Life in Virginia. Edited by R. -HILDRETH, Esq., Author of "A History of the United States." Eight -Spirited Wood Engravings. - -AUBREY CONYERS; or, THE LORDSHIP OF ALLERDALE. By Miss E. M. STEWART, -Authoress of "Tales of the City of London," &c. Illustrated with Eight -Page Engravings. - -CALEB STUKELEY. A Tale of the Last Century. Reprinted from "Blackwood's -Magazine." With Numerous Illustrations by M'Connell, engraved by -Dalziel. - - - - -THE UNIVERSAL LIBRARY. - -THE BEST WORKS OF THE BEST AUTHORS, IN ALL DEPARTMENTS OF LITERATURE. - - _Beautifully and uniformly printed in Royal Octavo, with two or - more first-class Illustrations in each Number, and a handsome - cover. Each part containing a complete work at 1s., 1s. 6d., or - 2s. each, according to size._ - - * * * * * - -THE FOLLOWING WORKS HAVE ALREADY APPEARED: - - I. Scott's Lady of the Lake, and Lay of the Last Minstrel. 1s. - - II. Izaak Walton's Lives of Donne, Wotton, Herbert, Hooker, and - Sanderson. 1s. - - III. Anson's Voyage Round the World. 1s. - - IV. Goldsmith's Vicar of Wakefield, and Saintine's Picciola. 1s. - - V. Alison's Essays on Taste. 1s. - - VI. Sterne's Tristram Shandy (168 pages) 1s. 6d. - - VII. Fables of La Fontaine. Translated from the French by E. - WRIGHT. 1s. - - VIII. Sedgwick's Home, Paul and Virginia, the Indian Cottage, and - the Exiles of Siberia. With Three Engravings. (120 pages.) 1s. - - IX. Uncle Tom's Cabin. New edition; with Portrait and a Memoir of - Mrs. HARRIET BEECHER STOWE; a Digest of the Slave Laws of the - Southern States of America; and Statistics of American Slavery - since the Declaration of Independence. (180 pages.) 1s. 6d. - - X. Koempfer's Account of Japan. 1s. - - XI. Translations of Goethe's Faust, and the Tragedies of Schiller. - With Four Engravings. (170 pages.) 1s. 6d. - - XII. Stephens' Travels in Egypt, Arabia, and the Holy Land. 1s. - - XIII. Emerson's Essays and Orations. 1s. - - XIV. Milton's complete Poetical Works. 1s. 6d. - - XV. Bremer's Mora, H. Family, Bondmaid, Axel and Anna. With Six - Engravings. 1s. 6d. - - XVI. Stephens' Travels in Turkey, Greece, Russia and Poland. With - Frontispiece and Vignette. 1s. - - XVII. Goldsmith's Citizen of the World. With Frontispiece and - Vignette. 1s. - - XVIII. Michelet's Life of Martin Luther. With Engravings and - Vignette. 1s. - - XIX. Memoirs of the Life of Colonel Hutchinson. By LUCY - HUTCHINSON. With Frontispiece and Vignette. 1s. - - XX. The Life of Charles XII., King of Sweden, by VOLTAIRE; and the - Life of Lord Herbert of Cherbury. With Frontispiece and Vignette. - 1s. - - XXI. Essays, Civil and Moral, by FRANCIS BACON; and LOCKE on the - Reasonableness of Christianity. With Four Illustrations. 1s. - - XXII. The Neighbours and Minor Tales. By FREDRIKA BREMER. With - Frontispiece and Vignette by C. KEANE. 1s. - - XXIII. Ritson's Robin Hood, with Title and Frontispiece. 1s. - - XXIV. The Mutiny of the Bounty. With Frontispiece and Vignette by - E. DUNCAN. 1s. - - XXV. The Canterbury Tales of Geoffrey Chaucer. Edited, with a - Glossary, &c., by THOMAS WRIGHT, Esq., M.A., F.S.A., &c. Double - Part (230 pages), with Frontispiece and Vignette. 2s. - - XXVI. Goldsmith's Essays. With Frontispiece and Vignette. 1s. - - XXVII. The Poetical Works of Robert Burns. With Frontispiece and - Vignette. 1s. - - XXVIII. Goldsmith's Plays and Poems. Illustrated with Frontispiece - and Vignette. 1s. - - XXIX. The Life of Peter Wilkins, a Cornishman. By a Passenger in - the "Hector." With Frontispiece and Vignette. 1s. - - XXX. Crabbe's Tales. With Frontispiece and Vignette. 1s. - - XXXI. Crabbe's Borough and Collins' and Gray's Poems. Frontispiece - and Vignette. 1s. - - XXXII. Knickerbocker's History of New York. With Frontispiece and - Vignette. 1s. - -Poetry.--Volume I., containing Scott's Lay of the Last Minstrel, Lady of -the Lake; La Fontaine's Fables; Goethe's Faust; Schiller's Piceolomini, -and Wallenstein's Death; Milton's Poetical Works. Royal 8vo. handsomely -bound in cloth gilt, 6s. - -Poetry.--Volume II., containing Ritson's Robin Hood; Chaucer's -Canterbury Tales; Burns' Poems: Goldsmith's Plays and Poems. Royal 8vo, -cloth, gilt, 6s. - -Fiction.--Volume I., containing Goldsmith's Vicar of Wakefield; -Saintine's Picciola; Sedgwick's Home, Paul and Virginia, the Indian -Cottage, and the Exiles of Siberia; Uncle Tom's Cabin; Bremer's Mora, -II. Family, Bondmaid, Axel and Anna. Cloth gilt, 6s. - -Voyages and Travels.--Volume I., containing Anson's Voyage Round the -World; Stephens' Travels in Egypt, Arabia and the Holy Land; Stephens' -Travels In Turkey, Greece, Russia, and Poland; Koempfer's Account of -Japan; Bligh's Voyage in the Bounty to the South seas. With Twelve -Illustrations by GILBERT, DUNCAN, and others. Royal 8vo., cloth (600 -pages), 6s. - -Miscellaneous.--Volume I., containing Sterne's Tristram Shandy; -Goldsmith's Citizen; Life of Peter Wilkins; and Knickerbocker's New -York. Royal 8vo, cloth gilt, 6s. - -Essays.--Volume I., containing the Essays of Alison, Emerson, Goldsmith, -Bacon, and Locke, and Michelet's Life of Luther, royal 8vo., cloth gilt, -6s. - - Cloth Cases for Volumes, 1s. each - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Further Adventures of Mr. Verdant -Green, an Oxford Under-Graduate, by Cuthbert Bede - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FURTHER ADVENTURES OF VERDANT GREEN *** - -***** This file should be named 40338-8.txt or 40338-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/3/3/40338/ - -Produced by Annie R. McGuire. This book was produced from -scanned images of public domain material from the Internet -Archive. - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, -set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to -copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to -protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project -Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you -charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you -do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the -rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose -such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and -research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do -practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is -subject to the trademark license, especially commercial -redistribution. - - - -*** START: FULL LICENSE *** - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project -Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at - www.gutenberg.org/license. - - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy -all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. -If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the -terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or -entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement -and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" -or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the -collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an -individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are -located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from -copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative -works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg -are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project -Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by -freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of -this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with -the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by -keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project -Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in -a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check -the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement -before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or -creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project -Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning -the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United -States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate -access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently -whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, -copied or distributed: - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived -from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is -posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied -and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees -or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work -with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the -work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 -through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the -Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or -1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional -terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked -to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the -permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any -word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or -distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than -"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version -posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), -you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a -copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon -request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other -form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided -that - -- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is - owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he - has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the - Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments - must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you - prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax - returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and - sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the - address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to - the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." - -- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or - destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium - and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of - Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any - money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days - of receipt of the work. - -- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set -forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from -both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael -Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the -Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm -collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain -"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or -corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual -property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a -computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by -your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with -your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with -the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a -refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity -providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to -receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy -is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further -opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER -WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO -WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. -If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the -law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be -interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by -the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any -provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance -with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, -promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, -harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, -that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do -or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm -work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any -Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. - - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers -including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists -because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from -people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. -To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation -and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 -and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org - - -Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive -Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent -permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. -Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered -throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 -North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email -contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the -Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact - -For additional contact information: - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To -SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any -particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. -To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate - - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. - -Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm -concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared -with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project -Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. -unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |