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-The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Further Adventures of Mr. Verdant
-Green, an Oxford Under-Graduate, by Cuthbert Bede
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
-almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
-
-
-Title: The Further Adventures of Mr. Verdant Green, an Oxford Under-Graduate
-       Being a Continuation of 'The Adventures of Mr. Verdant
-       Green, an Oxford Under-Graduate'
-
-Author: Cuthbert Bede
-
-Release Date: July 26, 2012 [EBook #40338]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FURTHER ADVENTURES OF VERDANT GREEN ***
-
-
-
-
-Produced by Annie R. McGuire. This book was produced from
-scanned images of public domain material from the Internet
-Archive.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-[Illustration: Book Cover]
-
-
-
-
-THE FURTHER ADVENTURES
-OF
-MR. VERDANT GREEN
-
-
-
-
-FRONTISPIECE.
-(See page 30.)
-
-[Illustration: CUTHBERT BEDE, INVT. KT. DELT. E. EVANS, SC]
-
-MR. VERDANT GREEN FURNISHES THE SUBJECT FOR A STRIKING
-FRONTISPIECE.
-
-
-
-
-THE FURTHER ADVENTURES
-OF
-MR. VERDANT GREEN,
-An Oxford Under-Graduate.
-
-
-BEING A CONTINUATION OF "THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, AN OXFORD
-FRESHMAN."
-
-
-BY CUTHBERT BEDE, B.A.
-
-
-With numerous Illustrations,
-DESIGNED AND DRAWN ON THE WOOD BY THE AUTHOR.
-
-
-  "A COLLEGE JOKE TO CURE THE DUMPS."
-  SWIFT.
-
-
-SECOND EDITION.
-
-
-H. INGRAM & CO.
-MILFORD HOUSE, MILFORD LANE, STRAND, LONDON;
-AND BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.
-1854.
-
-
-
-
-CONTENTS.
-
-
-                                                                    PAGE
-  CHAPTER I.     Mr. Verdant Green recommences his existence as
-                    an Oxford Undergraduate                            1
-  CHAPTER II.    Mr. Verdant Green does as he has been done by         5
-  CHAPTER III.   Mr. Verdant Green endeavours to keep his Spirits
-                    up by pouring Spirits down                        14
-  CHAPTER IV.    Mr. Verdant Green discovers the difference between
-                    Town and Gown                                     26
-  CHAPTER V.     Mr. Verdant Green is favoured with Mr. Bouncer's
-                    Opinions regarding an Under-graduate's
-                    Epistolary Communications to his Maternal
-                    Relative                                          39
-  CHAPTER VI.    Mr. Verdant Green feathers his oars with skill
-                    and dexterity                                     50
-  CHAPTER VII.   Mr. Verdant Green partakes of a Dove-tart and
-                    a Spread-eagle                                    59
-  CHAPTER VIII.  Mr. Verdant Green spends a Merry Christmas and
-                    a Happy New Year                                  68
-  CHAPTER IX.    Mr. Verdant Green makes his first appearance on
-                    any Boards                                        75
-  CHAPTER X.     Mr. Verdant Green enjoys a real Cigar                87
-  CHAPTER XI.    Mr. Verdant Green gets through his Smalls            95
-  CHAPTER XII.   Mr. Verdant Green and his Friends enjoy the
-                    Commemoration                                    104
-
-
-
-
-PART II.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER I.
-
-MR. VERDANT GREEN RECOMMENCES HIS EXISTENCE AS AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.
-
-
-The intelligent reader--which epithet I take to be a synonym for every
-one who has perused the first part of the Adventures of Mr. Verdant
-Green,--will remember the statement, that the hero of the narrative "had
-gained so much experience during his Freshman's term, that, when the
-pleasures of the Long Vacation were at an end, and he had returned to
-Brazenface with his firm and fast friend Charles Larkyns, he felt
-himself entitled to assume a patronising air to the Freshmen, who then
-entered, and even sought to impose upon their credulity in ways which
-his own personal experience suggested." And the intelligent reader will
-further call to mind the fact that the first part of these memoirs
-concluded with the words--"it was clear that Mr. Verdant Green had made
-his farewell bow as an Oxford Freshman."
-
-But, although Mr. Verdant Green had of necessity ceased to be "a
-Freshman" as soon as he had entered upon his second term of
-residence,--the name being given to students in their first term
-only,--yet this necessity, which, as we all know, _non habet leges_,
-will occasionally prove its rule by an exception; and if Mr. Verdant
-Green was no longer a Freshman in name, he still continued to be one by
-nature. And the intelligent reader will perceive when he comes to study
-these veracious memoirs, that, although their hero will no longer
-display those peculiarly virulent symptoms of freshness, which drew
-towards him so much friendly sympathy during the earlier part of his
-University career, yet that he will still, by his innocent simplicity
-and credulity, occasionally evidence the truth of the Horatian maxim,--
-
-  "Quo semel est imbuta recens, servabit odorem
-  Testa diu;"[1]
-
-which, when _Smart_-ly translated, means, "A cask will long preserve the
-flavour, with which, when new, it was once impregnated;" and which, when
-rendered in the Saxon vulgate, signifieth, "What is bred in the bone will
-come out in the flesh."
-
-It would, indeed, take more than a Freshman's term,--a two months'
-residence in Oxford,--to remove the simple gaucheries of the country
-Squire's hobbodehoy, and convert the girlish youth, the pupil of that
-Nestor of Spinsters, Miss Virginia Verdant, into the MAN whose school
-was the University, whose Alma Mater was Oxonia herself. We do not cut
-our wise teeth in a day; some people, indeed, are so unfortunate as
-never to cut them at all; at the best, two months is but a brief space
-in which to get through this sapient teething operation, a short time in
-which to graft our cutting on the tree of Wisdom, more especially when
-the tender plant happens to be a Verdant Green. The golden age is past
-when the full-formed goddess of Wisdom sprang from the brain of Jove
-complete in all her parts. If our Vulcans now-a-days were to trepan the
-heads of our Jupiters, they would find nothing in them! In these
-degenerate times it will take more than one splitting headache to
-produce _our_ wisdom.
-
-So it was with our hero. The splitting headache, for example, which had
-wound up the pleasures of Mr. Small's "quiet party," had taught him that
-the good things of this life were not given to be abused, and that he
-could not exceed the bounds of temperance and moderation without being
-made to pay the penalty of the trespass. It had taught him that kind of
-wisdom which even "makes fools wise;" for it had taught him Experience.
-And yet, it was but a portion of that lesson of Experience which it is
-sometimes so hard to learn, but which, when once got by heart, is like
-the catechism of our early days,--it is never forgotten,--it directs us,
-it warns us, it advises us; it not only adorns the tale of our life, but
-it points the moral which may bring that tale to a happy and peaceful
-end.
-
-Experience! Experience! What will it not do? It is a staff which will
-help us on when we are jostled by the designing crowds of our Vanity
-Fair. It is a telescope that will reveal to us the dark spots on what
-seemed to be a fair face. It is a finger-post to show us whither the
-crooked paths of worldly ways will lead us. It is a scar that tells of
-the wound which the soldier has received in the battle of life. It is a
-lighthouse that warns us off those hidden rocks and quicksands where the
-wrecks of long past joys that once smiled so fairly, and were loved so
-dearly, now lie buried in all their ghastliness, stripped of grace and
-beauty, things to shudder at and dread. Experience! Why, even Alma
-Mater's doctors prescribe it to be taken in the largest quantities!
-"Experientia--_dose it_!" they say: and very largely some of us have to
-pay for the dose. But the dose does us good; and (for it is an
-allopathic remedy), the greater the dose, the greater is the benefit to
-be derived.
-
-The two months' allopathic dose of Experience, which had been
-administered to Mr. Verdant Green, chiefly through the agency of those
-skilful professors, Messrs. Larkyns, Fosbrooke, Smalls, and Bouncer, had
-been so far beneficial to him, that, in the figurative Eastern language
-of the last-named gentleman, he had not only been "sharpened up no end
-by being well rubbed against University bricks," but he had, moreover,
-"become so considerably wide-awake, that he would very soon be able to
-take the shine out of the old original Weazel, whom the pages of History
-had recorded as never having been discovered in a state of somnolence."
-
-Now, as Mr. Bouncer was a gentleman of considerable experience and was,
-too, (although addicted to expressions not to be found in "the Polite
-Preceptor,") quite free from the vulgar habit of personal flattery,--or,
-as he thought fit to express it, in words which would have taken away my
-Lord Chesterfield's appetite, "buttering a party to his face in the
-cheekiest manner,"--we may fairly presume, on this strong evidence, that
-Mr. Verdant Green had really gained a considerable amount of experience
-during his Freshman's term, although there were still left in his
-character and conduct many marks of viridity which--
-
-  "Time's effacing fingers,"
-
-assisted by Mr. Bouncer's instructions, would gradually remove. However,
-Mr. Verdant Green had, at any rate, ceased to be "a Freshman" in name;
-and had received that University promotion, which Mr. Charles Larkyns
-commemorated by the following _affiche_, which our hero, on his return
-from his first morning chapel in the Michaelmas term, found in a
-conspicuous position on his oak.
-
-  Commission signed by the Vice-Chancellor of the University
-  of Oxford.
-
-  MR. VERDANT GREEN to be an Oxford Undergraduate, _vice_ Oxford
-  Freshman, SOLD out.
-
-It is generally found to be the case, that the youthful Undergraduate
-first seeks to prove he is no longer a "Freshman," by endeavouring to
-impose on the credulity of those young gentlemen who come up as Freshmen
-in his second term. And, in this, there is an analogy between the biped
-and the quadruped; for, the wild, gambolling, school-boy elephant, when
-he has been brought into a new circle, and has been trained to new
-habits, will take pleasure in ensnaring and deluding his late companions
-in play.
-
-The "sells" by which our hero had been "sold out" as a Freshman, now
-formed a stock in trade for the Undergraduate, which his experience
-enabled him to dispose of (with considerable interest) to the most
-credulous members of the generations of Freshmen who came up after him.
-Perhaps no Freshman had ever gone through a more severe course of
-hoaxing--to survive it--than Mr. Verdant Green; and yet, by a system of
-retaliation, only paralleled by the quadrupedal case of the
-before-mentioned elephant, and the biped-beadle case of the illustrious
-Mr. Bumble, who after having his own ears boxed by the late Mrs. Corney,
-relieved his feelings by boxing the ears of the small boy who opened the
-gate for him,--our hero took the greatest delight in seeking every
-opportunity to play off upon a Freshman some one of those numerous
-hoaxes which had been so successfully practised on himself. And while,
-in referring to the early part of his University career, he omitted all
-mention of such anecdotes as displayed his own personal credulity in the
-strongest light--which anecdotes the faithful historian has thought fit
-to record,--he, nevertheless, dwelt with extreme pleasure on the
-reminiscences of a few isolated facts, in which he himself appeared in
-the character of the hoaxer.
-
-These facts, when neatly garnished with a little fiction, made very
-palatable dishes for University entertainment, and were served up by our
-hero, when he went "down into the country," to select parties of
-relatives and friends (N.B.--Females preferred). On such occasions, the
-following hoax formed Mr. Verdant Green's _pièce de résistance_.
-
-FOOTNOTES:
-
-[1] Horace, Ep. Lib. I. ii., 69.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER II.
-
-MR. VERDANT GREEN DOES AS HE HAS BEEN DONE BY.
-
-
-One morning, Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Bouncer were lounging in the
-venerable gateway of Brazenface. The former gentleman, being of an
-amiable, tame-rabbit-keeping disposition, was making himself very happy
-by whistling popular airs to the Porter's pet bullfinch, who was
-laboriously engaged on a small tread-mill, winding up his private supply
-of water. Mr. Bouncer, being of a more volatile temperament, was amusing
-himself by asking the Porter's opinion on the foreign policy of Great
-Britain, and by making very audible remarks on the passers-by. His
-attention was at length riveted by the appearance on the other side of
-the street, of a modest-looking young gentleman, who appeared to be so
-ill at ease in his frock-coat and "stick-up" collars, as to lead to the
-strong presumption that he wore those articles of manly dress for the
-first time.
-
-"I'll bet you a bottle of blacking, Giglamps," said little Mr. Bouncer,
-as he directed our hero's attention to the stranger, "that this
-respected party is an intending Freshman. Look at his customary suits of
-solemn black, as Othello, or Hamlet, or some other swell, says in
-Shakspeare. And, besides his black go-to-meeting bags, please to
-observe," continued the little gentleman, in the tone of a wax-work
-showman; "please to hobserve the pecooliarity hof the hair-chain,
-likewise the straps of the period. Look! he's coming this way. Giglamps,
-I vote we take a rise out of the youth. Hem! Good morning! Can we have
-the pleasure of assisting you in anything."
-
-"Yes, sir! thank you, sir," replied the youthful stranger, who was
-flushing like a girl up to the very roots of his curly, auburn hair;
-"perhaps, sir, you can direct me to Brazenface College, sir?"'
-
-"Well, sir! it's not at all improbable, sir, but what I could, sir;"
-replied Mr. Bouncer; "but, perhaps, sir, you'll first favour me with
-your name, and your business there, sir."
-
-"Certainly, sir!" rejoined the stranger; and, while he fumbled at his
-card-case, the experienced Mr. Bouncer whispered to our hero, "Told you
-he was a sucking Freshman, Giglamps! He has got a bran new card-case,
-and says 'sir' at the sight of the academicals." The card handed to Mr.
-Bouncer, bore the name of "MR. JAMES PUCKER;" and, in smaller characters
-in the corner of the card, were the words, "_Brazenface College,
-Oxford_."
-
-"I came, sir," said the blushing Mr. Pucker, "to enter for my
-matriculation examination, and I wished to see the gentleman who will
-have to examine me, sir."
-
-"The doose you do!" said Mr. Bouncer sternly; "then young, man, allow me
-to say, that you've regularly been and gone and done it, and put your
-foot in it most completely."
-
-"How-ow-ow, how, sir?" stammered the dupe.
-
-"How?" replied Mr. Bouncer, still more sternly; "do you mean to brazen
-out your offence by asking how? What _could_ have induced you, sir, to
-have had printed on this card the name of this College, when you've not
-a prospect of belonging to it--it may be for years, it may be for never,
-as the bard says. You've committed a most grievous offence against the
-University statutes, young gentleman; and so this gentleman here--Mr.
-Pluckem, the junior examiner--will tell you!" and with that, little Mr.
-Bouncer nudged Mr. Verdant Green, who took his cue with astonishing
-aptitude, and glared through his glasses at the trembling Mr. Pucker,
-who stood blushing, and bowing, and heartily repenting that his
-school-boy vanity had led him to invest four-and-sixpence in "100 cards,
-and plate, engraved with name and address."
-
-"Put the cards in your pocket, sir, and don't let me see them again!"
-said our hero in his newly-confirmed title of the junior examiner; quite
-rejoiced at the opportunity afforded him of proving to his friend that
-_he_ was no longer a Freshman.
-
-"He forgives you for the sake of your family, young man!" said Mr.
-Bouncer with pathos; "you've come to the right shop, for _this_ is
-Brazenface; and you've come just at the right time, for here is the
-gentleman who will assist Mr. Pluckem in examining you;" and Mr. Bouncer
-pointed to Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, who was coming up the street on
-his way from the Schools, where he was making a very laudable (but as it
-proved, futile) endeavour "to get through his smalls," or, in other
-words, to pass his Little-go examination. The hoax which had been
-suggested to the ingenious mind of Mr. Bouncer, was based upon the fact
-of Mr. Fosbrooke's being properly got-up for his sacrifice in a white
-tie, and a pair of very small bands--the two articles, which, with the
-usual academicals, form the costume demanded by Alma Mater of all her
-children when they take their places in her Schools. And, as Mr.
-Fosbrooke was far too politic a gentleman to irritate the Examiners by
-appearing in a "loud" or sporting costume, he had carried out the idea
-of clerical character suggested by the bands and choker, by a quiet,
-gentlemanly suit of black, which, he had fondly hoped, would have
-softened his Examiners' manners, and not permitted them to be brutal.
-
-Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, therefore, to the unsophisticated eye of the
-blushing Mr. Pucker, presented a very fine specimen of the Examining
-Tutor; and this impression on Mr. Pucker's mind was heightened by Mr.
-Fosbrooke, after a few minutes' private conversation with the other two
-gentlemen, turning to him, and saying, "It will be extremely
-inconvenient to me to examine you now; but as you probably wish to
-return home as soon as possible, I will endeavour to conclude the
-business at once--this gentleman, Mr. Pluckem," pointing to our hero,
-"having kindly promised to assist me. Mr. Bouncer, will you have the
-goodness to follow with the young gentleman to my rooms?"
-
-Leaving Mr. Pucker to express his thanks for this great kindness, and
-Mr. Bouncer to plunge him into the depths of trepidation by telling him
-terrible _stories_ of the Examiner's fondness for rejecting the
-candidates for examination, Mr. Fosbrooke and our hero ascended to the
-rooms of the former, where they hastily cleared away cigar-boxes and
-pipes, turned certain French pictures with their faces to the wall, and
-covered over with an outspread _Times_ a regiment of porter and spirit
-bottles which had just been smuggled in, and were drawn up rank-and-file
-on the sofa. Having made this preparation, and furnished the table with
-pens, ink, and scribble-paper, Mr. Bouncer and the victim were admitted.
-
-"Take a seat, sir," said Mr. Fosbrooke, gravely; and Mr. Pucker put his
-hat on the ground, and sat down at the table in a state of blushing
-nervousness. "Have you been at a public school?"
-
-"Yes, sir," stammered the victim; "a very public one, sir; it was a
-boarding-school, sir; forty boarders, and thirty day-boys, sir; I was a
-day-boy, sir, and in the first class."
-
-"First class of an uncommon slow train!" muttered Mr. Bouncer.
-
-"And are you going back to the boarding-school?" asked Mr. Verdant
-Green, with the air of an assistant judge.
-
-"No, sir," replied Mr. Pucker, "I have just done with it; quite done
-with school, sir, this last half; and papa is going to put me to read
-with a clergyman until it is time for me to come to college."
-
-"Refreshing innocence!" murmured Mr. Bouncer; while Mr. Fosbrooke and
-our hero conferred together, and hastily wrote on two sheets of the
-scribble-paper.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-"Now, sir," said Mr. Fosbrooke to the victim, after a paper had been
-completed, "let us see what your Latin writing is like. Have the
-goodness to turn what I have written into Latin; and be very careful,
-sir," added Mr. Fosbrooke, sternly, "be very careful that it is Cicero's
-Latin, sir!" and he handed Mr. Pucker a sheet of paper, on which he had
-scribbled the following:
-
-  "To be Translated into Prose-y Latin, in the Manner of
-  Cicero's Orations after Dinner.
-
-      "If, therefore, any on your bench, my luds, or in this assembly,
-      should entertain an opinion that the proximate parts of a
-      mellifluous mind are for ever conjoined and unconnected, I submit
-      to you, my luds, that it will of necessity follow, that such
-      clandestine conduct being a mere nothing,--or, in the noble
-      language of our philosophers, bosh,--every individual act of overt
-      misunderstanding will bring interminable limits to the empiricism
-      of thought, and will rebound in the very lowest degree to the
-      credit of the malefactor."
-
-  "To be Turned into Latin after the Master of the Animals
-  of Tacitus.
-
-      "She went into the garden to cut a cabbage to make an apple-pie.
-      Just then, a great she-bear coming down the street, poked its nose
-      into the shop-window. 'What! no soap!' So he died, and she (very
-      imprudently) married the barber. And there were present at the
-      wedding the Joblillies, and the Piccannies, and the Gobelites, and
-      the great Panjandrum himself, with the little button on top. So
-      they all set to playing Catch-who-catch-can, till the gunpowder
-      ran out at the heels of their boots."
-
-It was well for the purposes of the hoaxers that Mr. Pucker's
-trepidation prevented him from making a calm perusal of the paper; and
-he was nervously doing his best to turn the nonsensical English word by
-word into equally nonsensical Latin, when his limited powers of Latin
-writing were brought to a full stop by the untranslateable word "Bosh."
-As he could make nothing of this, he wiped the perspiration from his
-forehead, and gazed appealingly at the benignant features of Mr. Verdant
-Green. The appealing gaze was answered by our hero ordering Mr. Pucker
-to hand in his paper for examination, and to endeavour to answer the
-questions which he and his brother examiner had been writing down for
-him.
-
-Mr. Pucker took the two papers of questions, and read as follows:
-
-"HISTORY.
-
-      "1. Draw a historical parallel (after the manner of Plutarch)
-      between Hannibal and Annie Laurie.
-
-      "2. What internal evidence does the Odyssey afford, that Homer
-      sold his Trojan war-ballads at three yards an obolus?
-
-      "3. Show the strong presumption there is, that Nox was the god of
-      battles.
-
-      "4. State reasons for presuming that the practice of lithography
-      may be traced back to the time of Perseus and the Gorgon's head.
-
-      "5. In what way were the shades on the banks of the Styx supplied
-      with spirits?
-
-      "6. Show the probability of the College Hornpipe having been used
-      by the students of the Academia; and give passages from Thucydides
-      and Tennyson in support of your answer.
-
-      "7. Give a brief account of the Roman Emperors who visited the
-      United States, and state what they did there.
-
-      "8. Show from the redundancy of the word [Greek: gas] in
-      Sophocles, that gas must have been used by the Athenians; also
-      state, if the expression [Greek: oi Bharbaroi] would seem to
-      signify that they were close shavers.
-
-      9. Show from the-words 'Hoc erat in votis,' (Sat. VI., Lib. II.,)
-      that Horace's favourite wine was hock, and that he meant to say
-      'he always voted for hock.'
-
-      "10. Draw a parallel between the Children in the Wood and Achilles
-      in the Styx.
-
-      "11. When it is stated that Ariadne, being deserted by Theseus,
-      fell in love with Bacchus, is it the poetical way of asserting
-      that she took to drinking to drown her grief?
-
-      "12. Name the _prima donnas_ who have appeared in the operas of
-      Virgil and Horace since the 'Virgilii Opera,' and 'Horatii Opera'
-      were composed."
-
-"EUCLID, ARITHMETIC, and ALGEBRA.
-
-      "1. 'The extremities of a line are points.' Prove this by the rule
-      of railways.
-
-      "2. Show the fallacy of defining an angle, as 'a worm at one end
-      and a fool at the other.'
-
-      "3. If one side of a triangle be produced, what is there to
-      prevent the other two sides from also being brought forward?
-
-      "4. Let A and B be squares having their respective boundaries in E
-      and W. ends, and let C and D be circles moving in them; the circle
-      D will be superior to the circle C.
-
-      "5. In equal circles, equal figures from various squares will
-      stand upon the same footing.
-
-      "6. If two parts of a circle fall out, the one part will cut the
-      other.
-
-      "7. Describe a square which shall be larger than Belgrave Square.
-
-      "8. If the gnomon of a sun-dial be divided into two equal, and
-      also into two unequal parts, what would be its value?
-
-      "9. Describe a perpendicular triangle having the squares of the
-      semi-circle equal to half the extremity between the points of
-      section.
-
-      "10. If an Austrian florin is worth 5.61 francs, what will be the
-      value of Pennsylvanian bonds? Prove by rule-of-three inverse.
-
-      "11. If seven horses eat twenty-five acres of grass in three days,
-      what will be their condition on the fourth day? Prove by practice.
-
-      "12. If a coach-wheel, 6-5/30 in diameter and 5-9/47 in
-      circumference, makes 240-4/10 revolutions in a second, how many
-      men will it take to do the same piece of work in ten days?
-
-      "13. Find the greatest common measure of a quart bottle of Oxford
-      port.
-
-      "14. Find the value of a 'bob,' a 'tanner,' a 'joey,' and a
-      'tizzy.'
-
-      "15. Explain the common denominators 'brick,' 'trump,' 'spoon,'
-      'muff,' and state what was the greatest common denominator in the
-      last term.
-
-      "16. Reduce two academical years to their lowest terms.
-
-      "17. Reduce a Christ Church tuft to the level of a Teddy Hall man.
-
-      "18. If a freshman A have any mouth _x_, and a bottle of wine _y_,
-      show how many applications of _x_ to _y_ will place _y_+_y_ before
-      _A_."
-
-Mr. Pucker did not know what to make of such extraordinary and
-unexpected questions. He blushed, attempted to write, fingered his
-curls, tried to collect his faculties, and then appeared to give himself
-over to despair; whereupon little Mr. Bouncer was seized with an
-immoderate fit of coughing which had well nigh brought the farce to its
-_dénouement_.
-
-"I'm afraid, young gentleman," said Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, as he
-carelessly settled his white tie and bands, "I am afraid, Mr. Pucker,
-that your learning is not yet up to the Brazenface standard. We are
-particularly cautious about admitting any gentleman whose acquirements
-are not of the highest order. But we will be as lenient to you as we are
-able, and give you one more chance to retrieve yourself. We will try a
-little _vivâ voce_, Mr. Pucker. Perhaps, sir, you will favour me with
-your opinions on the Fourth Punic War, and will also give me a slight
-sketch of the constitution of ancient Heliopolis."
-
-Mr. Pucker waxed, if possible, redder and hotter than before, he gasped
-like a fish out of water; and, like Dryden's prince, "unable to conceal
-his pain," he
-
-  "Sigh'd and look'd, sigh'd and look'd,
-  Sigh'd and look'd, and sigh'd again."
-
-But all was to no purpose: he was unable to frame an answer to Mr.
-Fosbrooke's questions.
-
-"Ah, sir," continued his tormentor, "I see that you will not do for us
-yet awhile, and I am therefore under the painful necessity of rejecting
-you. I should advise you, sir, to read hard for another twelvemonths,
-and endeavour to master those subjects in which you have now failed.
-For, a young man, Mr. Pucker, who knows nothing about the Fourth Punic
-War, and the constitution of ancient Heliopolis, is quite unfit to be
-enrolled among the members of such a learned college as Brazenface. Mr.
-Pluckem quite coincides with me in this decision." (Here Mr. Verdant
-Green gave a Burleigh nod.) "We feel very sorry for you, Mr. Pucker, and
-also for your unfortunate family; but we recommend you to add to your
-present stock of knowledge, and to keep those visiting-cards for another
-twelvemonth." And Mr. Fosbrooke and our hero--disregarding poor Mr.
-Pucker's entreaties that they would consider his pa and ma, and would
-please to matriculate him this once, and he would read very hard, indeed
-he would--turned to Mr. Bouncer and gave some private instructions,
-which caused that gentleman immediately to vanish, and seek out Mr.
-Robert Filcher.
-
-Five minutes after, that excellent Scout met the dejected Mr. Pucker as
-he was crossing the Quad on his way from Mr. Fosbrooke's rooms.
-
-"Beg your pardon, sir," said Mr. Filcher, touching his forehead; for,
-as Mr. Filcher, after the manner of his tribe, never was seen in a
-head-covering, he was unable to raise his hat or cap; "beg your pardon,
-sir! but was you a lookin' for the party as examines the young gents for
-their matrickylation?"
-
-"Eh?--no! I have just come from him," replied Mr. Pucker, dolefully.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-"Beg your pardon, sir," remarked Mr. Filcher, "but his rooms ain't that
-way at all. Mr. Slowcoach, as is the party you _ought_ to have seed, has
-_his_ rooms quite in a hopposite direction, sir; and he's the honly
-party as examines the matrickylatin' gents."
-
-"But I _have_ been examined," observed Mr. Pucker, with the air of a
-plucked man; "and I am sorry to say that I was rejected, and"----
-
-"I dessay, sir," interrupted Mr. Filcher; "but I think it's a 'oax,
-sir!"
-
-"A what?" stammered Mr. Pucker.
-
-"A 'oax--a sell;" replied the Scout, confidentially. "You see, sir, I
-think some of the gents have been makin' a little game of you, sir; they
-often does with fresh parties like you, sir, that seem fresh and
-hinnocent like; and I dessay they've been makin' believe to examine you,
-sir, and a pretendin' that you wasn't clever enough. But they don't mean
-no harm, sir; it's only their play, bless you!"
-
-"Then," said Mr. Pucker, whose countenance had been gradually clearing
-with every word the Scout spoke; "then I'm not really rejected, but have
-still a chance of passing my examination?"
-
-"Percisely so, sir," replied Mr. Filcher; "and--hexcuse me, sir, for a
-hintin' of it to you,--but, if you would let me adwise you, sir, you
-wouldn't go for to mention anythin' about the 'oax to Mr. Slowcoach;
-_he_ wouldn't be pleased, sir, and _you'd_ only get laughed at. If you
-like to go to him now, sir, I know he's in his rooms, and I'll show you
-the way there with the greatest of pleasure."
-
-Mr. Pucker, immensely relieved in mind, gladly put himself under the
-Scout's guidance, and was admitted into the presence of Mr. Slowcoach.
-In twenty minutes after this he issued from the examining tutor's rooms
-with a joyful countenance, and again encountered Mr. Robert Filcher.
-
-"Hope you've done the job this time, sir," said the Scout.
-
-"Yes," replied the radiant Mr. Pucker; "and at two o'clock I am to see
-the Vice-chancellor; and I shall be able to come to college this time
-next year."
-
-"Werry glad of it, indeed, sir!" observed Mr. Filcher, with genuine
-emotion, and an eye to future perquisites; "and I suppose, sir, you
-didn't say a word about the 'oax?"
-
-"Not a word!" replied Mr. Pucker.
-
-"Then, sir," said Mr. Filcher, with enthusiasm, "hexcuse me, but you're
-a trump, sir! And Mr. Fosbrooke's compliments to you, sir, and he'll be
-'appy if you'll come up into his rooms, and take a glass of wine after
-the fatigues of the examination. And,--hexcuse me again, sir, for a
-hintin' of it to you, but of course you can't be aweer of the customs of
-the place, unless somebody tells you on 'em,--I shall be werry glad to
-drink your werry good health, sir."
-
-Need it be stated that the blushing Mr. Pucker, delirious with joy at
-the sudden change in the state of affairs, and the delightful prospect
-of being a member of the University, not only tipped Mr. Filcher a
-five-shilling piece, but also paid a second visit to Mr. Fosbrooke's
-rooms, where he found that gentleman in his usual costume, and by him
-was introduced to the Mr. Pluckem, who now bore the name of Mr. Verdant
-Green? Need it be stated that the nervous Mr. Pucker blushed and
-laughed, and laughed and blushed, while his two pseudo-examiners took
-wine with him in the most friendly manner; Mr. Bouncer pronouncing him
-to be "an out-and-outer, and no mistake!" And need it be stated that,
-after this undergraduate display of hoaxing, Mr. Verdant Green would
-feel exceedingly offended were he still to be called "an Oxford
-Freshman"?
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER III.
-
-MR. VERDANT GREEN ENDEAVOURS TO KEEP HIS SPIRITS UP BY POURING SPIRITS
-DOWN.
-
-
-It was the evening of the fifth of November; the day which the
-Protestant youth of England dedicate to the memory of that martyr of
-gunpowder, the firework Faux, and which the youth of Oxford, by a three
-months' anticipation of the calendar, devote to the celebration of those
-scholastic sports for which the day of St. Scholastica the Virgin was
-once so famous.[2]
-
-Rumour with its hundred tongues had spread far and wide the news, that a
-more than ordinary demonstration would be made of the might of Town, and
-that this demonstration would be met by a corresponding increase of
-prowess on the side of Gown. It was darkly whispered that the purlieus
-of Jericho would send forth champions to the fight. It was mentioned
-that the Parish of St. Thomas would be powerfully represented by its
-Bargee lodgers. It was confidently reported that St. Aldate's[3] would
-come forth in all its olden strength. It was told as a fact that St.
-Clement's had departed from the spirit of clemency, and was up in arms.
-From an early hour of the evening, the Townsmen had gathered in
-threatening groups; and their determined aspect, and words of chaff, had
-told of the coming storm. It was to be a tremendous Town and Gown!
-
-The Poet has forcibly observed--
-
-  "Strange that there should such diff'rence be,
-  'Twixt Tweedledum and Tweedledee!"
-
-But the difference between Town and Gown, is not to be classed with the
-Tweedledum and Tweedledee difference. It is something more than a mere
-difference of two letters. The lettered Gown lorded it over the
-unlettered Town: the plebeian Town was perpetually snubbed by the
-aristocratic Gown. If Gown even wished to associate with Town, he could
-only do so under certain restrictions imposed by the statutes; and Town
-was thus made to feel exceedingly honoured by the gracious condescension
-of Gown. But Town, moreover, maintained its existence, that it might
-contribute to the pleasure and amusements, the needs and necessities, of
-Gown. And very expensively was Town occasionally made to pay for its
-existence; so expensively indeed, that if it had not been for the great
-interest which Town assumed on Gown's account, the former's
-business-life would have soon failed. But, on many accounts, or rather,
-_in_ many accounts, Gown was deeply indebted to Town; and, although Gown
-was often loth to own the obligation, yet Town never forgot it, but
-always placed it to Gown's credit. Occasionally, in his early freshness,
-Gown would seek to compensate Town for his obliging favours; but Town
-would gently run counter to this wish, and preferred that the evidences
-of Gown's friendly intercourse with him should accumulate, until he
-could, with renewed interest (as we understand from the authority of an
-aged pun), obtain his payments by Degrees.
-
-When Gown was absent, Town was miserable: it was dull; it did nothing;
-it lost its customer-y application to business. When Gown returned,
-there was no small change,--the benefit was a sovereign one to Town.
-Notes, too, passed between them; of which, those received by Town were
-occasionally of intrinsic value. Town thanked Gown for these,--even
-thanked him when his civility had only been met by checks,--and
-smirked, and fawned, and flattered; and Gown patronised Town, and was
-offensively condescending. What a relief then must it have been to the
-pent-up feelings of Town, when the Saturnalia of a Guy-Faux day brought
-its usual license, and Town could stand up against Gown and try a game
-of fisticuffs! And if, when there was a cry "To arms!" we could always
-settle the dispute in an English fashion with those arms with which we
-have been supplied by nature, there would then, perhaps, be fewer
-weeping widows and desolate orphans in the world than there are just at
-present.
-
-On the evening of the fifth of November, then, Mr. Bouncer's rooms were
-occupied by a wine-party; and, among the gentlemen assembled, we noticed
-(as newspaper reporters say), Mr. Verdant Green, Mr. Charles Larkyns,
-Mr. Fosbrooke, Mr. Smalls, and Mr. Blades. The table was liberally
-supplied with wine; and a "desert at eighteen-pence per head,"--as Mr.
-Bouncer would afterwards be informed through the medium of his
-confectioner's bill;--and, while an animated conversation was being held
-on the expected Town and Gown, the party were fortifying themselves for
-the _émeute_ by a rapid consumption of the liquids before them. Our
-hero, and some of the younger ones of the party, who had not yet left
-off their juvenile likings, were hard at work at the dessert in that
-delightful, disregardless-of-dyspepsia manner, in which boys so love to
-indulge, even when they have passed into University _men_. As usual,
-the _bouquet_ of the wine was somewhat interfered with by those narcotic
-odours, which, to a smoker, are as the gales of Araby the Blest.
-
-Mr. Blades was conspicuous among the party, not only from his
-dimensions,--or, as he phrased it, from "his breadth of beam,"--but also
-from his free-and-easy costume. "To get himself into wind," as he
-alleged, Mr. Blades had just been knocking the wind out of the
-Honourable Flexible Shanks (youngest son of the Earl of Buttonhole), a
-Tuft from Christ Church, who had left his luxurious rooms in the
-Canterbury Quad chiefly for the purpose of preparing himself for the
-forthcoming Town and Gown, by putting on the gloves with his boating
-friend. The bout having terminated by Mr. Flexible Shanks having been
-sent backwards into a tray of wine-glasses with which Mr. Filcher was
-just entering the room, the gloves were put aside, and the combatants
-had an amicable set-to at a bottle of Carbonell's "Forty-four," which
-Mr. Bouncer brought out of a wine-closet in his bedroom for their
-especial delectation. Mr. Blades, who was of opinion that, in dress,
-ease should always be consulted before elegance, had not resumed that
-part of his attire of which he had divested himself for fistianic
-purposes; and, with a greater display of linen than is usually to be
-seen in society, was seated comfortably in a lounging chair, smoking the
-pipe of peace. Since he had achieved the proud feat of placing the
-Brazenface boat at the head of the river, Mr. Blades had gained
-increased renown, more especially in his own college, where he was
-regarded in the light of a tutelary river deity; and, as training was
-not going on, he was now enabled to indulge in a second glass of wine,
-and also in the luxury of a cigar. Mr. Blades's shirt-sleeves were
-turned up so as to display the anatomical proportion of his arms; and
-little Mr. Bouncer, with the grave aspect of a doctor feeling a pulse,
-was engaged in fingering his deltoid and biceps muscles, and in uttering
-panegyrics on his friend's torso-of-Hercules condition.
-
-"My gum, Billy!" (it must be observed, _en passant_, that, although the
-name given to Mr. Blades at an early age was Frank, yet that when he was
-not called "old Blades," he was always addressed as "Billy,"--it being a
-custom which has obtained in universities, that wrong names should be
-familiarly given to certain gentlemen, more as a mark of friendly
-intimacy than of derision or caprice.) "My gum, Billy!" observed Mr.
-Bouncer, "you're as hard as nails! What an extensive assortment of
-muscles you've got on hand,--to say nothing about the arms. I wish I'd
-got such a good stock in trade for our customers to-night; I'd soon
-sarve 'em out, and make 'em sing peccavi."
-
-"The fact is," said Mr. Flexible Shanks, who was leaning smoking against
-the mantelpiece behind him, "Billy is like a respectable family of
-bivalves--he is nothing but mussels."
-
-"Or like an old Turk," joined in Mr. Bouncer, "for he's a regular
-Mussulman."
-
-"Oh! Shanks! Bouncer!" cried Charles Larkyns, "what stale jokes! Do open
-the window, somebody,--it's really offensive."
-
-"Ah!" said Mr. Blades, modestly, "you only just wait till Footelights
-brings the Pet, and then you'll see real muscles."
-
-"It was rather a good move," said Mr. Cheke, a gentleman commoner of
-Corpus, who was lounging in an easy chair smoking a meerschaum through
-an elastic tube a yard long,--"it was rather a good move of yours,
-Fossy," he said, addressing himself to Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, "to
-secure the Pet's services. The feller will do us some service, and will
-astonish the _oi polloi_ no end."
-
-"Oh! how prime it _will_ be," cried little Mr. Bouncer, in ecstacies
-with the prospect before him, "to see the Pet pitching into the cads,
-and walking into their small affections with his one, two, three! And
-don't I just pity them when he gets them into Chancery! Were you ever in
-Chancery, Giglamps?"
-
-"No, indeed!" replied the innocent Mr. Verdant Green; "and I hope that I
-shall always keep out of it; lawsuits are so very disagreeable and
-expensive."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-Mr. Bouncer had only time to remark _sotto voce_ to Mr. Flexible Shanks,
-"it is so jolly refreshing to take a rise out of old Giglamps!" when a
-knock at the oak was heard; and, as Mr. Bouncer roared out, "Come in!"
-the knocker entered. He was rather dressy in his style of costume, and
-wore his long dark hair parted in the middle. Opening the door, and
-striking into an attitude, he exclaimed in a theatrical tone and manner:
-"Scene, Mr. Bouncer's rooms in Brazenface: in the centre a table, at
-which Mr. B. and party are discovered drinking log-juice, and smoking
-cabbage-leaves. Door, left, third entrance; enter the Putney Pet. Slow
-music; lights half-down." And standing on one side, the speaker motioned
-to a second gentleman to enter the room.
-
-There was no mistaking the profession of this gentleman; even the
-inexperience of Mr. Verdant Green did not require to be informed that
-the Putney Pet was a prizefighter. "Bruiser" was plainly written in his
-personal appearance, from his hard-featured, low-browed, battered,
-hang-dog face, to his thickset frame, and the powerful muscular
-development of the upper part of his person. His close-cropped thatch of
-hair was brushed down tightly to his head, but was permitted to burst
-into the luxuriance of two small ringlets, which dangled in front of
-each huge ear, and were as carefully curled and oiled as though they had
-graced the face of beauty. The Pet was attired in a dark olive-green
-cutaway coat, buttoned over a waistcoat of a violent-coloured plaid,--a
-pair of white cord trousers that fitted tightly to the leg,--and a
-white-spotted blue handkerchief, which was twisted round a neck that
-might have served as a model for the Minotaur's. In his mouth, the Pet
-cherished, according to his wont, a sprig of parsley; small fragments of
-which herb he was accustomed to chew and spit out, as a pleasing relief
-to the monotony of conversation.
-
-The Pet, after having been proclaimed victor in more than one of those
-playfully frolicsome "Frolics of the Fancy," in which nobly born but
-ignobly-minded "Corinthians" formerly invested so much interest and
-money, had at length matched his powers against the gentleman who bore
-the title of "the champion of the ring;" but, after a protracted contest
-of two hours and a half, in which one hundred and nineteen rounds had
-been fought, the Pet's eyes had been completely closed up by an amusing
-series of blows from the heavy fists of the more skilful champion; and
-as the Pet, moreover, was so battered and bruised, and was altogether so
-"groggy" that he was barely able to stand up to be knocked down, his
-humane second had thrown up the sponge in acknowledgment of his defeat.
-But though unable to deprive the champion of his belt, yet--as
-_Tintinnabulum's Life_ informed its readers on the following Sunday, in
-its report of this "matchless encounter,"--the Putney Pet had
-"established a reputation;" and a reputation is a reputation, even
-though it be one which may be offensive to the nostrils. Retiring,
-therefore, from the more active public-duties of his profession, he took
-unto himself a wife and a beershop,--for it seems to be a freak of "the
-Fancy," when they retire from one public line to go into another,--and
-placing the former in charge of the latter, the Pet came forth to the
-world as a "Professor of the noble art of Self-defence."
-
-It was in this phase of his existence, that Mr. Fosbrooke had the
-pleasure of forming his acquaintance. Mr. Fosbrooke had received a card,
-which intimated that the Pet would have great pleasure in giving him
-"_lessons in the noble and manly art of Self-defence, either at the
-gentleman's own residence, or at the Pet's spacious Sparring Academy, 5,
-Cribb Court, Drury Lane, which is fitted up with every regard to the
-comfort and convenience of his pupils. Gloves are provided.
-N.B.--Ratting sports at the above crib every evening. Plenty of rats
-always on hand. Use of the Pit gratis._" Mr. Fosbrooke, having come to
-the wise conclusion that every Englishman ought to know how to be able
-to use his fists in case of need, and being quite of the opinion of the
-gentleman who said:--"my son should even learn to box, for do we not
-meet with imposing toll-keepers, and insolent cabmen? and, as he can't
-call them out, he should be able to knock them down,"[4] at once put
-himself under the Pet's tuition; and, as we have before seen, still kept
-up his practice with the gloves, when he had got to his own rooms at
-Brazenface.
-
-But the Pet had other Oxford pupils than Mr. Fosbrooke; and he took such
-an affectionate interest in their welfare, that he came down from Town
-two or three times in each term, to see if his pupils' practice had made
-them perfect in the art. One of the Pet's pupils, was the gentleman who
-had now introduced him to Mr. Bouncer's rooms. His name was Foote, but
-he was commonly called "Footelights;" the addition having been made to
-his name by way of _sobriquet_ to express his unusual fondness for the
-stage, which amounted to so great a passion, that his very conversation
-was redolent of "the footlights." He had only been at St. John's a
-couple of terms, and Mr. Fosbrooke had picked up his acquaintance
-through the medium of the Pet, and had afterwards made him known to most
-of the men who were now assembled at Mr. Bouncer's wine.
-
-"Your servant, gents!" said the Pet, touching his forehead, and making a
-scrape with his leg, by way of salutation.
-
-"Hullo, Pet!" returned Mr. Bouncer; "bring yourself to an anchor, my
-man." The Pet accordingly anchored himself by dropping on to the edge
-of a chair, and placing his hat underneath it; while Huz and Buz smelt
-suspiciously round his legs, and looked at him with an expression of
-countenance which bore a wonderful resemblance to that which they gazed
-upon.
-
-"Never mind the dogs; they're amiable little beggars," observed Mr.
-Bouncer, "and they never bite any one except in play. Now then, Pet,
-what sort of liquors are you given to? Here are Claret liquors, Port
-liquors, Sherry liquors, egg-flip liquors, Cup liquors. You pays your
-money, and you takes your choice!"
-
-"Well, sir, thankee!" replied the Pet, "I ain't no ways pertikler, but if
-you _have_ sich a thing as a glass o' sperrits, I'd prefer that--if not
-objectionable."
-
-"In course not, Pet! always call for what you like. We keep all sorts of
-liquors, and are allowed to get drunk on the premises. Ain't we,
-Giglamps?" Firing this raking shot as he passed our hero, little Mr.
-Bouncer dived into the cupboard which served as his wine-bin, and
-brought therefrom two bottles of brandy and whiskey which he set before
-the Pet. "If you like gin or rum, or cherry-brandy, or old-tom, better
-than these liquors," said Mr. Bouncer, astonishing the Pet with the
-resources of a College wine-cellar, "just say the word, and you shall
-have them. 'I can call spirits from the vasty deep;' as Shikspur says.
-How will you take it, Pet? Neat, or adulterated? Are you for _callidum
-cum_, or _frigidum sine_--for hot-with, or cold-without?"
-
-"I generally takes my sperrits 'ot, sir--if not objectionable;" replied
-the Pet deferentially. Whereupon Mr. Bouncer seizing his
-speaking-trumpet, roared through it from the top of the stairs,
-"Rob-ert! Rob-ert!" But, as Mr. Filcher did not answer the summons, Mr.
-Bouncer threw up the window of his room, and bellowed out "Rob-ert" in
-tones which must have been perfectly audible in the High Street. "Doose
-take the feller, he's always over at the Buttery;" said the incensed
-gentleman.
-
-"I'll go up to old Sloe's room, and get his kettle," said Mr. Smalls;
-"he teas all day long to keep himself awake for reading. If he don't
-mind, he'll blow himself up with his gunpowder tea before he can take
-his double-first."
-
-By the time Mr. Smalls had re-appeared with the kettle, Mr. Filcher had
-thought it prudent to answer his master's summons.
-
-"Did you call, sir?" asked the Scout, as though he was doubtful on that
-point.
-
-"Call!" said Mr. Bouncer, with great irony; "oh, no! of course not! I
-should rather think not! Do you suppose that you are kept here that
-parties may have the chance of hollering out their lungs for you? Don't
-answer me, sir! but get some hot water, and some more glasses; and be
-quick about it." Mr. Filcher was gone immediately; and, in three
-minutes, everything was settled to Mr. Bouncer's satisfaction, and he
-gave Mr. Filcher farther orders to bring up coffee and anchovy toast, at
-half-past eight o'clock. "Now, Pet, my beauty!" said the little
-gentleman, "you just walk into the liquors; because you've got some
-toughish work before you, you know."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-The Pet did not require any pressing, but did as he was told; and,
-bestowing a collective nod on the company, drank their healths with the
-prefatory remark, "I looks to-_wards_ you gents!"
-
-"Will you poke a smipe, Pet?" asked Mr. Bouncer, rather enigmatically;
-but, as he at the same time placed before the Pet a "yard of clay" and a
-box of cigars, the professor of the art of self-defence perceived that
-he was asked to smoke a pipe.
-
-"That's right, Pet!" said the Honourable Flexible Shanks,
-condescendingly, as the prizefighter scientifically filled the bowl of
-his pipe; "I'm glad to see you join us in a bit of smoke. We're all
-_Baccy_-nalians now!"
-
-"Shanks, you're incorrigible!" said Charles Larkyns; "and don't you
-remember what _the Oxford Parodies_ say?" and, in his clear, rich voice,
-Mr. Larkyns sang the two following verses to the air of "Love not:"--
-
-  Smoke not, smoke not, your weeds nor pipes of clay!
-    Cigars they are made from leaves of cauliflowers;--
-  Things that are doomed no duty e'er to pay;--
-    Grown, made, and smoked in a few short hours.
-                            Smoke not--smoke not!
-
-  Smoke not, smoke not, the weed you smoke may change
-    The healthfulness of your stomachic tone;
-  Things to the eye grow queer and passing strange;
-    All thoughts seem undefined--save one--to be alone!
-                            Smoke not--smoke not!
-
-"I know what you're thinking about, Giglamps," said Mr. Bouncer, as
-Charles Larkyns ceased his parody amid an approving clatter of glasses;
-"you were thinking of your first weed on the night of Small's quiet
-party: wer'nt you now, old feller? Ah, you've learnt to poke a smipe,
-beautiful, since then. Pet, here's your health. I'll give you a toast
-and sentiment, gentlemen. May the Gown give the Town a jolly good
-hiding!" The sentiment was received with great applause, and the toast
-was drunk with all the honours, and followed by the customary but
-inappropriate chorus, "For he's a jolly good fellow!" without the
-singing of which Mr. Bouncer could not allow any toast to pass.
-
-"How many cads could you lick at once, one off and the other on?" asked
-Mr. Fosbrooke of the Pet, with the air of Boswell when he wanted to draw
-out the Doctor.
-
-"Well, sir," said the Pet, with the modesty of true genius, "I wouldn't
-be pertickler to a score or so, as long as I'd got my back well up agin
-some'ut, and could hit out."
-
-"What an effective tableau it would be!" observed Mr. Foote, who had
-always an eye to dramatic situations. "Enter the Pet, followed by twenty
-townspeople. First T.P.--Yield, traitor! Pet--Never! the man who would
-yield when ordered to do so, is unworthy the name of a Pet and an
-Englishman! Floors the twenty T.P.'s one after the other. Tableau, blue
-fire. Why, it would surpass the British sailor's broadsword combat for
-six, and bring down the house."
-
-"Talking of bringing down," said Mr. Blades, "did you remember to bring
-down a cap and gown for the Pet, as I told you?"
-
-"Well, I believe those _were_ the stage directions," answered Mr. Foote;
-"but, really, the wardrobe was so ill provided that it would only supply
-a cap. But perhaps that will do for a super."
-
-"If by a super you mean a supernumerary, Footelights," said Mr. Cheke,
-the gentleman Commoner of Corpus, "then the Pet isn't one. He's the
-leading character of what you would call the _dramatis personæ_."
-
-"True," replied Mr. Foote, "he's cast for the hero; though he will
-create a new _rôle_ as the walking-into-them gentleman."
-
-"You see, Footelights," said Mr. Blades, "that the Pet is to lead our
-forces; and we depend upon him to help us on to victory: and we must put
-him into academicals, not only because the town cads must think he is
-one of us, but also because the proctors might otherwise deprive us of
-his services--and old Towzer, the Senior Proctor, in particular, is sure
-to be all alive. Who's got an old gown?"
-
-"I will lend mine with pleasure," said Mr. Verdant Green.
-
-"But you'll want it yourself," said Mr. Blades.
-
-"Why, thank you," faltered our hero, "I'd rather, I think, keep within
-college. I can see the--the fun--yes, the fun--from the window."
-
-"Oh, blow it, Giglamps!" ejaculated Mr. Bouncer, "you'll never go to do
-the mean, and show the white feather, will you?"
-
-"Music expressive of trepidation," murmured Mr. Foote, by way of
-parenthesis.
-
-"But," pursued our hero, apologetically, "there will be, I dare say, a
-large crowd."
-
-"A very powerful _caste_, no doubt," observed Mr. Foote.
-
-"And I may get my--yes, my spectacles broken; and then"----
-
-"And then, Giglamps," said Mr. Bouncer, "why, and then you shall be
-presented with another pair as a testimonial of affection from yours
-truly. Come, Giglamps, don't do the mean! a man of your standing, and
-with a chest like that!" and the little gentleman sounded on our hero's
-shirt-front, as doctors do when they stethoscope a patient. "Come,
-Giglamps, old feller, you mustn't refuse. You didn't ought to was, as
-Shakspeare says."
-
-"Pardon me! Not Shakspeare, but Wright, in the 'Green Bushes,'"
-interrupted Mr. Foote, who was as painfully anxious as Mr. Payne Collier
-himself that the text of the great poet should be free from corruptions.
-
-So Mr. Verdant Green, reluctantly, it must be confessed, suffered
-himself to be persuaded to join that section of the Gown which was to be
-placed under the leadership of the redoubted Pet; while little Mr.
-Bouncer, who had gone up into Mr. Sloe's rooms, and had vainly
-endeavoured to persuade that gentleman to join in the forthcoming
-_mêlée_, returned with an undergraduate's gown, and forthwith invested
-the Pet with it.
-
-"I don't mind this 'ere mortar-board, sir," remarked the professor of
-the noble art of self-defence, as he pointed to the academical cap which
-surmounted his head, "I don't mind the mortar-board, sir; but I shall
-never be able to do nothink with this 'ere toggery on my shudders. I
-couldn't use my mawleys no how!" And the Pet illustrated his remark in a
-professional manner, by sparring at an imaginary opponent in a feeble
-and unscientific fashion.
-
-"But you can tie the tail-curtain round your shoulders--like this!" said
-Mr. Fosbrooke, as he twisted his own gown tightly round him.
-
-But the Pet had taken a decided objection to the drapery: "The costume
-would interfere with the action," as Mr. Foote remarked, "and the
-management of a train requires great practice."
-
-"You see, sir," said the Pet, "I ain't used to the feel of it, and I
-couldn't go to business properly, or give a straight nosender no how.
-But the mortar-board ain't of so much consekvence." So a compromise was
-made; and it was agreed that the Pet was to wear the academicals until
-he had arrived at the scene of action, where he could then pocket the
-gown, and resume it on any alarm of the Proctor's approach.
-
-"Here, Giglamps, old feller! get a priming of fighting-powder!" said
-little Mr. Bouncer to our hero, as the party were on the point of
-sallying forth; "it'll make you hit out from your shoulder like a
-steam-engine with the chill off." And, as Mr. Bouncer whispered to
-Charles Larkyns,
-
-  "So he kept his spirits up
-  By pouring spirits down,"
-
-Verdant--who felt extremely nervous, either from excitement or from
-fear, or from a pleasing mixture of both sensations--drank off a deep
-draught of something which was evidently not drawn from Nature's spring
-or the college pump; for it first took away his breath, and made his
-eyes water; and it next made him cough, and endeavour to choke himself;
-and it then made his face flush, and caused him to declare that "the
-first snob who 'sulted him should have a sound whopping."
-
-"Brayvo, Giglamps!" cried little Mr. Bouncer, as he patted him on the
-shoulder; "come along! You're the right sort of fellow for a Town and
-Gown, after all!"
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER IV.
-
-MR. VERDANT GREEN DISCOVERS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TOWN AND GOWN.
-
-
-It was ten minutes past nine, and Tom,[5] with sonorous voice, was
-ordering all College gates to be shut, when the wine party, which had
-just left Mr. Bouncer's room, passed round the corner of St. Mary's, and
-dashed across the High. The Town and Grown had already begun.
-
-As usual, the Town had taken the initiative; and, in a dense body, had
-made their customary sweep of the High Street, driving all before them.
-After this gallant exploit had been accomplished to the entire
-satisfaction of the oppidans, the Town had separated into two or three
-portions, which had betaken themselves to the most probable fighting
-points, and had gone where glory waited them, thirsting for the blood,
-or, at any rate, for the bloody noses of the gowned aristocrats. Woe
-betide the luckless gownsman, who, on such an occasion, ventures abroad
-without an escort, or trusts to his own unassisted powers to defend
-himself! He is forthwith pounced upon by some score of valiant Townsmen,
-who are on the watch for these favourable opportunities for a display of
-their personal prowess, and he may consider himself very fortunate if he
-is able to get back to his College with nothing worse than black eyes
-and bruises. It is so seldom that the members of the Oxford snobocracy
-have the privilege afforded them of using their fists on the faces and
-persons of the members of the Oxford aristocracy, that when they _do_
-get the chance, they are unwilling to let it slip through their fingers.
-Dark tales have, indeed, been told, of solitary and unoffending
-undergraduates having, on such occasions, not only received a severe
-handling from those same fingers, but also having been afterwards,
-through their agency, bound by their own leading strings to the rails of
-the Radcliffe, and there left ignominiously to struggle, and shout for
-assistance. And darker tales still have been told of luckless Gownsmen
-having been borne "leg and wing" fashion to the very banks of the Isis,
-and there ducked, amidst the jeers and taunts of their persecutors. But
-such tales as these are of too dreadful a nature for the conversation of
-Gownsmen, and are very properly believed to be myths scandalously
-propagated by the Town.
-
-The crescent moon shone down on Mr. Bouncer's party, and gave ample
-light
-
-  To light _them_ on _their_ prey.
-
-A noise and shouting,--which quickly made our hero's Bob-Acreish
-resolutions ooze out at his fingers' ends,--was heard coming from the
-direction of Oriel Street; and a small knot of Gownsmen, who had been
-cut off from a larger body, appeared, manfully retreating with their
-faces to the foe, fighting as they fell back, but driven by superior
-numbers up the narrow street, by St. Mary's Hall, and past the side of
-Spiers's shop into the High Street.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-"Gown to the rescue!" shouted Mr. Blades, as he dashed across the
-street; "come on, Pet! here we are in the thick of it, just in the nick
-of time!" and, closely followed by Charles Larkyns, Mr. Fosbrooke, Mr.
-Smalls, Mr. Bouncer, Mr. Flexible Shanks, Mr. Cheke, Mr. Foote, and our
-hero, and the rest of the party, they soon plunged _in medias res_.
-
-The movement was particularly well-timed, for the small body of Gownsmen
-were beginning to get roughly handled; but the succour afforded by the
-Pet and his party soon changed the aspect of affairs; and, after a brief
-skirmish, there was a temporary cessation of hostilities. As
-reinforcements poured in on either side, the mob which represented the
-Town, wavered, and spread themselves across on each side of the High;
-while a huge, lumbering bargeman, who appeared to be the generalissimo
-of their forces, delivered himself of a brief but energetic speech, in
-which he delivered his opinion of Gownsmen in general, and his immediate
-foes in particular, in a way which would have to be expressed in proper
-print chiefly by blanks, and which would have assuredly entailed upon
-him a succession of five-shilling fines, had he been in a court of
-justice, and before a magistrate.
-
-"Here's a pretty blank, I don't think!" he observed in conclusion, as he
-pointed to Mr. Verdant Green, who was nervously settling his spectacles,
-and wishing himself safe back in his own rooms; "I would'nt give a blank
-for such a blank blank. I'm blank, if he don't look as though he'd
-swaller'd a blank codfish, and had bust out into blank barnacles!" As
-the Bargee was apparently regarded by his party as a gentleman of
-infinite humour, his highly-flavoured blank remarks were received by
-them with shouts of laughter; while our hero obtained far more of the
-_digito monstrari_ share of public notice than he wished for.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-For some brief space, the warfare between the rival parties of Town and
-Gown continued to be one merely of words--a mutual discharge of _epea
-pteroenta_ (_vulgariter_ "chaff"), in which a small amount of sarcasm
-was mingled with a large share of vituperation. At length, a slang rhyme
-of peculiar offensiveness was used to a Wadham gentleman, which so
-exasperated him that he immediately, by way of a forcible reply, sent
-his fist full into the speaker's face. On this, a collision took place
-between those who formed the outside of the crowd; and the Gowns flocked
-together to charge _en masse_. Mr. Verdant Green was not quite aware of
-this sudden movement, and, for a moment, was cut off from the rest. This
-did not escape the eyes of the valiant Bargee, who had already singled
-out our hero as the one whom he could most easily punish, with the least
-chance of getting quick returns for his small profits. Forthwith,
-therefore, he rushed to his victim, and aimed a heavy blow at him, which
-Verdant only half avoided by stooping. Instinctively doubling his fists,
-our hero found that Necessity was, indeed, the mother of Invention; and,
-with a passing thought of what would be his mother's and Aunt Virginia's
-feelings could they see him fighting in the public streets with a common
-bargeman, he contrived to guard off the second blow. But at the next
-furious lunge of the Bargee he was not quite so fortunate, and,
-receiving that gentleman's heavy fist full in his forehead, he
-staggered backwards, and was only prevented from measuring his length on
-the pavement by falling against the iron gates of St. Mary's. The
-delighted Bargee was just on the point of putting the _coup de grâce_ to
-his attack, when, to Verdant's inexpressible delight and relief, his
-lumbering antagonist was sent sprawling by a well-directed blow on his
-right ear. Charles Larkyns, who had kept a friendly eye on our hero, had
-spied his condition, and had sprung to his assistance. He was closely
-followed by the Pet, who had divested himself of the gown which had
-encumbered his shoulders, and was now freely striking out in all
-directions. The fight had become general, and fresh combatants had
-sprung up on either side.
-
-"Keep close to me, Verdant," said Charles Larkyns,--quite unnecessarily,
-by the way, as our hero had no intention of doing otherwise until he saw
-a way to escape; "keep close to me, and I'll take care you are not
-hurt."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-"Here ye are!" cried the Pet, as he set his back against the stone-work
-flanking the iron gates of the church, immediately in front of one of
-the curiously twisted pillars of the Porch;[6] "come on, half a dozen of
-ye, and let me have a rap at your smellers!" and he looked at the mob in
-the "Come one, come all defiant" fashion of Fitz-James; while Charles
-Larkyns and Verdant set their backs against the church gates, and
-prepared for a rush.
-
-The Bargee came up furious, and hit out wildly at Charles Larkyns; but
-science was more than a match for brute force; and, after receiving two
-or three blows which caused him to shake his head in a don't-like-it
-sort of way, he endeavoured to turn his attention to Mr. Verdant Green,
-who, with head in air, was taking the greatest care of his spectacles,
-and endeavouring to ward off the indiscriminate lunges of half a dozen
-townsmen. The Bargee's charitable designs on our hero were, however,
-frustrated by the opportune appearance of Mr. Blades and Mr. Cheke, the
-gentleman-commoner of Corpus, who, in their turn, were closely followed
-by Mr. Smalls and Mr. Flexible Shanks; and Mr. Blades exclaiming,
-"There's a smasher for your ivories, my fine fellow!" followed up his
-remark with a practical application of his fist to the part referred to;
-whereupon the Bargee fell back with a howl, and gave vent to several
-curse-ory observations, and blank remarks.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-All this time the Pet was laying about him in the most determined
-manner; and, to judge from his professional observations, his scientific
-acquirements were in full play. He had agreeable remarks for each of his
-opponents; and, doubtless, the punishment which they received from his
-stalwart arms came with more stinging force when the parts affected were
-pointed out by his illustrative language. To one gentleman he would
-pleasantly observe, as he tapped him on the chest, "Bellows to mend for
-you, my buck!" or else, "There's a regular rib-roaster for you!" or
-else, in the still more elegant imagery of the Bing, "There's a
-squelcher in the bread-basket, that'll stop _your_ dancing, my kivey!"
-While to another he would cheerfully remark, "Your head-rails were
-loosened there, wasn't they?" or, "How about the kissing-trap?" or,
-"That draws the bung from the beer-barrel I'm a thinkin'." While to
-another he would say, as a fact not to be disputed, "You napp'd it
-heavily on your whisker-bed, didn't you?" or, "That'll raise a tidy
-mouse on your ogle, my lad!" or, "That'll take the bark from your
-nozzle, and distil the Dutch pink for you, won't it?" While to another
-he would mention as an interesting item of news, "Now we'll tap your
-best October!" or, "There's a crack on your snuff-box!" or, "That'll
-damage your potato-trap!" Or else he would kindly inquire of one
-gentleman, "What d'ye ask a pint for your cochineal dye?" or would
-amiably recommend another that, as his peepers were a goin' fast, he'd
-best put up the shutters, because the early-closing movement ought to be
-follered out. All this was done in the cheeriest manner; while, at the
-same time, the Pet proved himself to be not only a perfect master of his
-profession, but also a skilful adept in those figures of speech, or
-"nice derangements of epitaphs," as Mrs. Malaprop calls them, in which
-the admirers of the fistic art so much delight. At every blow, a fresh
-opponent either fell or staggered off; the supremacy of the Pet was
-complete, and his claim to be considered a Professor of the noble and
-manly art of Self-defence was triumphantly established. "The Putney Pet"
-was a decidedly valuable acquisition to the side of Gown.
-
-Soon the crowd became thinner, as those of the Town who liked to give,
-but not to receive hard blows, stole off to other quarters; and the Pet
-and his party would have been left peaceably to themselves. But this was
-not what they wanted, as long as fighting was going on elsewhere; even
-Mr. Verdant Green began to feel desperately courageous as the Town took
-to their heels, and fled; and, having performed prodigies of valour in
-almost knocking down a small cad who had had the temerity to attack him,
-our hero felt himself to be a hero indeed, and announced his intention
-of pursuing the mob, and sticking close to Charles Larkyns,--taking
-especial care to do the latter.
-
-  "All the savage soul of _fight_ was up;"
-
-and the Gown following the scattered remnant of the flying Town, ran
-them round by All Saints' Church, and up the Turl.
-
-Here another Town and Gown party had fought their way from the
-Corn-market; and the Gown, getting considerably the worst of the
-conflict, had taken refuge within Exeter College by the express order of
-the Senior Proctor, the Rev. Thomas Tozer, more familiarly known as "old
-Towzer." He had endeavoured to assert his proctorial authority over the
-mob of the townspeople; but the _profanum vulgus_ had not only scoffed
-and jeered him, but had even torn his gown, and treated his velvet
-sleeves with the indignity of mud; while the only fireworks which had
-been exhibited on that evening had been let off in his very face. Pushed
-on, and hustled by the mob, and only partially protected by his Marshal
-and Bull-dogs,[7] he was saved from further indignity by the arrival of
-a small knot of Gownsmen, who rushed to his rescue. Their number was too
-small, however, to make head against the mob, and the best that they
-could do was to cover the Proctor's retreat. Now, the Rev. Thomas Tozer
-was short, and inclined to corpulence, and, although not wanting for
-courage, yet the exertion of defending himself from a superior force,
-was not only a fruitless one, but was, moreover, productive of much
-unpleasantness and perspiration. Deeming, therefore, that discretion was
-the better part of valour, he fled, (like those who tended, or _ought_
-to have attended to, the flocks of Mr. Norval, Sen.)
-
-  "for safety and for succour;"
-
-and, being rather short of the necessary article of wind, by the time
-that he had reached Exeter College, he had barely breath enough left to
-tell the porter to keep the gate shut until he had assembled a body of
-Gownsmen to assist him in capturing those daring ringleaders of the mob
-who had set his authority at defiance. This was soon done; the call to
-arms was made, and every Exeter man who was not already out, ran to "old
-Towzer's" assistance.
-
-"Now, Porter," said Mr. Tozer, "unbar the gate without noise, and I will
-look forth to observe the position of the mob. Gentlemen, hold
-yourselves in readiness to secure the ringleaders."
-
-The porter undid the wicket, and the Rev. Thomas Tozer cautiously put
-forth his head. It was a rash act; for, no sooner had his nose appeared
-round the edge of the wicket, than it received a flattening blow from
-the fist of an active gentleman who, like a clever cricketer, had been
-on the lookout for an opportunity to get in to his adversary's wicket.
-
-"Oh, this is painful! this is very painful!" ejaculated Mr. Tozer, as he
-rapidly drew in his head. "Close the wicket directly, porter, and keep
-it fast." It was like closing the gates of Hougomont. The active
-gentleman who had damaged Mr. Tozer's nose threw himself against the
-wicket, his comrades assisted him, and the porter had some difficulty in
-obeying the Proctor's orders.
-
-"Oh, this is painful!" murmured the Rev. Thomas Tozer, as he applied a
-handkerchief to his bleeding nose; "this is painful, this is very
-painful! this is exceedingly painful, gentlemen!"
-
-He was immediately surrounded by sympathising undergraduates, who begged
-him to allow them at once to charge the Town; but "old Towzer's" spirit
-seemed to have been aroused by the indignity to which he had been forced
-so publicly to submit, and he replied that, as soon as the bleeding had
-ceased, he would lead them forth in person. An encouraging cheer
-followed this courageous resolve, and was echoed from without by the
-derisive applause of the Town.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-When Mr. Tozer's nose had ceased to bleed, the signal was given for the
-gates to be thrown open; and out rushed Proctor, Marshall, Bull-dogs,
-and undergraduates. The Town was in great force, and the fight became
-desperate. To the credit of the Town, be it said, they discarded
-bludgeons and stones, and fought, in John Bull fashion, with their
-fists. Scarcely a Stick was to be seen. Singling out his man, Mr. Tozer
-made at him valiantly, supported by his Bull-dogs, and a small band of
-Gownsmen. But the heavy gown and velvet sleeves were a grievous
-hindrance to the Proctor's prowess; and, although supported on either
-side by his two attendant Bull-dogs, yet the weight of his robes made
-poor Mr. Tozer almost as harmless as the blind King of Bohemia between
-his two faithful knights at the battle of Crecy; and, as each of the
-party had to look to, and fight for himself, the Senior Proctor soon
-found himself in an awkward predicament.
-
-The cry of "Gown to the rescue!" therefore, fell pleasantly on his ears;
-and the reinforcement headed by Mr. Charles Larkyns and his party,
-materially improved the aspect of affairs on the side of Gown. Knocking
-down a cowardly fellow, who was using his heavy-heeled boots on the body
-of a prostrate undergraduate, Mr. Blades, closely followed by the Pet,
-dashed in to the Proctor's assistance; and never in a Town and Gown was
-assistance more timely rendered; for the Rev. Thomas Tozer had just
-received his first knock-down blow! By the help of Mr. Blades the fallen
-chieftain was quickly replaced upon his legs; while the Pet stepped
-before him, and struck out skilfully right and left. Ten more minutes of
-scientific pugilism, and the fate of the battle was decided. The Town
-fled every way; some round the corner by Lincoln College; some up the
-Turl towards Trinity; some down Ship Street; and some down by Jesus
-College, and Market Street. A few of the more resolute made a stand in
-Broad Street; but it was of no avail; and they received a sound
-punishment at the hands of the Gown, on the spot, where, some three
-centuries before, certain mitred Gownsmen had bravely suffered
-martyrdom.[8]
-
-Now, the Rev. Thomas Tozer was a strict disciplinarian, and, although he
-had so materially benefited by the Pet's assistance, yet, when he
-perceived that that pugilistic gentleman was not possessed of the full
-complement of academical attire, the duties of the Proctor rose superior
-to the gratitude of the Man; and, with all the sternness of an ancient
-Roman Father, he said to the Pet, "Why have you not on your gown, sir?"
-
-[Illustration]
-
-"I ax your pardon, guv'nor!" replied the Pet, deferentially; "I didn't
-so much care about the mortar-board, but I couldn't do nothin' nohow
-with the t'other thing, so I pocketted him; but some cove must have gone
-and prigged him, for he ain't here."
-
-"I am unable to comprehend the nature of your language, sir," observed
-the Rev. Thomas Tozer, angrily; for, what with his own excitement, and
-the shades of evening which had stolen over and obscured the Pet's
-features, he was unable to read that gentleman's character and
-profession in his face, and therefore came to the conclusion that he was
-being chaffed by some impudent undergraduate. "I dou't in the least
-understand you, sir; but I desire at once to know your name, and
-College, sir!"
-
-The Putney Pet stared. If the Rev. Thomas Tozer had asked him for the
-name of his Academy, he would have been able to have referred him to his
-spacious and convenient Sparring Academy, 5, Cribb Court, Drury Lane;
-but the enquiry for his "College," was, in the language of his
-profession, a "regular floorer." Mr. Blades, however, stepped forward,
-and explained matters to the Proctor, in a satisfactory manner.
-
-"Well, well!" said the pacified Mr. Tozer to the Pet; "you have used
-your skill very much to our advantage, and displayed pugilistic powers
-not unworthy of the athletes, and xystics of the noblest days of Rome.
-As a palæstrite you would have gained palms in the gymnastic exercises
-of the Circus Maximus. You might even have proved a formidable rival to
-Dares, who, as you, Mr. Blades, will remember, caused the death of
-Butes at Hector's tomb. You will remember, Mr. Blades, that Virgil
-makes mention of his 'humeros latos' and says:--
-
-                "'Nec quisquam ex agmine tanto
-  Audet adire virum, manibusque inducere cæstus;'[9]
-
-"which, in our English idiom, would signify, that every one was afraid to
-put on the gloves with him. And, as your skill," resumed Mr. Tozer,
-turning to the Pet, "has been exercised in defence of my person, and in
-upholding the authority of the University, I will overlook your offence
-in assuming that portion of the academical attire, to which you gave the
-offensive epithet of "mortar-board;" more especially, as you acted at
-the suggestion and bidding of those who ought to have known better. And
-now, go home, sir, and resume your customary head-dress; and--stay!
-here's five shillings for you."
-
-"I'm much obleeged to you, guv'nor," said the Pet, who had been
-listening with considerable surprise to the Proctor's quotations and
-comparisons, and wondering whether the gentleman named Dares, who caused
-the death of beauties, was a member of the P.R., and whether they made
-it out a case of manslaughter against him? and if the gaining palms in a
-circus was the customary "flapper-shaking" before "toeing the scratch
-for business?"--"I'm much obleeged to you, guv'nor," said the Pet, as he
-made a scrape with his leg; "and, whenever you _does_ come up to London,
-I 'ope you'll drop in at Cribb Court, and have a turn with the gloves!"
-And the Pet, very politely, handed one of his professional cards to the
-Rev. Thomas Tozer.
-
-A little later than this, a very jovial supper party might have been
-seen assembled in a principal room at "the Roebuck." To enable them to
-be back within their college walls, and save their gates, before the
-hour of midnight should arrive, the work of consuming the grilled bones
-and welch-rabbits was going on with all reasonable speed, the heavier
-articles being washed down by draughts of "heavy." After the cloth was
-withdrawn, several songs of a miscellaneous character were sung by "the
-professional gentlemen present," including, "by particular request," the
-celebrated "Marble Halls" song of our hero, which was given with more
-coherency than on a previous occasion, but was no less energetically led
-in its "you-loved-me-still-the-same" chorus by Mr. Bouncer. The Pet was
-proudly placed on the right hand of the chairman, Mr. Blades; and, when
-his health was proposed, "with many thanks to him for the gallant and
-plucky manner in which he had led on the Gown to a glorious victory,"
-the "three times three," and the "one cheer more," and the "again," and
-"again," and the "one other little un!" were uproariously given (as Mr.
-Foote expressed it) "by the whole strength of the company, assisted by
-Messrs. Larkyns, Smalls, Fosbrooke, Flexible Shanks, Cheke, and Verdant
-Green."
-
-The forehead of the last-named gentleman was decorated with a patch of
-brown paper, from which arose an aroma, as though of vinegar. The battle
-of "Town and Gown" was over; and Mr. Verdant Green was among the number
-of the wounded.
-
-FOOTNOTES:
-
-[2] Town and Gown disturbances are of considerable antiquity. Fuller and
-Matthew Paris give accounts of some which occurred as early as the year
-1238. These disputes not unfrequently terminated fatally to some of the
-combatants. One of the most serious Town and Gown rows on record took
-place on the day of St. Scholastica the Virgin, February 10th, 1345,
-when several lives were lost on either side. The University was at that
-time in the Lincoln diocese; and Grostête, the Bishop, placed the
-townspeople under an interdict, from which they were not released till
-1357, and then only on condition that the mayor and sixty of the chief
-burgesses should, on every anniversary of the day of St. Scholastica,
-attend St. Mary's Church and offer up mass for the souls of the slain
-scholars; and should also individually present an offering of one penny
-at the high altar. They, moreover, paid a yearly fine of 100 marks to
-the University, with the penalty of an additional fine of the same sum
-for every omission in attending at St. Mary's. This continued up to the
-time of the Reformation, when it gradually fell into abeyance. In the
-fifteenth year of Elizabeth, however, the University asserted their
-claim to all arrears. The matter being brought to trial, it was decided
-that the town should continue the annual fine and penance, though the
-arrears were forgiven. The fine was yearly paid on the 10th of February
-up to our own time: the mayor and chief burgesses attended at St.
-Mary's, and made the offering at the conclusion of the litany, which, on
-that occasion, was read from the altar. Thia was at length put an end to
-by Convocation in the year 1825.
-
-[3] Corrupted by Oxford pronunciation (which makes Magdalen _Maudlin_
-into St _Old's_.)
-
-[4] "A Bachelor of Arts," Act I.
-
-[5] The great bell of Christ Church. It tolls 101 times each evening at
-ten minutes past nine o'clock (there being 101 students on the
-foundation) and marks the time for the closing of the college gates.
-"Tom" is one of the lions of Oxford. It formerly belonged to Oseney
-Abbey, and weighs about 17,000 pounds, being more than double the weight
-of the great bell of St. Paul's.
-
-[6] The porch was erected in 1637 by order of Archbishop Laud. In the
-centre of the porch is a statue of the Virgin with the Child in her
-arms, holding a small crucifix; which at the time of its erection gave
-such offence to the Puritans that it was included in the articles of
-impeachment against the Archbishop. The statue remains to this day.
-
-[7] The Marshal is the Proctor's chief officer. The name of 'Bull-dogs'
-is given to the two inferior officers who attend the Proctor in his
-nightly rounds.
-
-[8] The _exact_ spot where Archbishop Cranmer and Bishops Ridley and
-Latimer suffered martyrdom is not known. "The most likely supposition
-is, that it was in the town ditch, the site of which is now occupied by
-the houses in Broad Street, which are immediately opposite the gateway
-of Balliol College, or the footpath in front of them, where an extensive
-layer of wood-ashes is known to remain."--(Parker.)
-
-[9] Æn., Book v., 378.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER V.
-
-MR. VERDANT GREEN IS FAVOURED WITH MR. BOUNCER'S OPINIONS REGARDING AN
-UNDERGRADUATE'S EPISTOLARY COMMUNICATIONS TO HIS MATERNAL RELATIVE.
-
-
-[Illustration]
-
-"Come in, whoever you are! don't mind the dogs!" shouted little Mr.
-Bouncer, as he lay, in an extremely inelegant attitude, in a red morocco
-chair, which was considerably the worse for wear, chiefly on account of
-the ill-usage it had to put up with, in being made to represent its
-owner's antagonist, whenever Mr. Bouncer thought fit to practise his
-fencing. "Oh! it's you and Giglamps, is it, Charley? I'm just refreshing
-myself with a weed, for I've been desperately hard at work."
-
-"What! Harry Bouncer devoting himself to study! But this is the age of
-wonders," said Charles Larkyns, who entered the room in company with Mr.
-Verdant Green, whose forehead still betrayed the effects of the blow he
-had received a few nights before.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-"It ain't reading that I meant," replied Mr. Bouncer, "though that
-always _does_ floor me, and no mistake! and what's the use of their
-making us peg away so at Latin and Greek, I can't make out. When I go
-out into society, I don't want to talk about those old Greek and Latin
-birds that they make us get up. I don't want to ask any old dowager I
-happen to fall in with at a tea-fight, whether she believes all the
-crammers that Herodotus tells us, or whether she's well up in the
-naughty tales and rummy nuisances that we have to pass no end of our
-years in getting by heart. And when I go to a ball, and do the light
-fantastic, I don't want to ask my partner what she thinks about
-Euripides, or whether she prefers Ovid's Metamorphoses to Ovid's Art of
-Love, and all that sort of thing; and as for requesting her to do me a
-problem of Euclid, instead of working me any glorified slippers or
-woolleries, I'd scorn the _h_action. I ain't like you, Charley, and I'm
-not _guv_ in the classics: I saw too much of the beggars while I was at
-Eton to take kindly to 'em; and just let me once get through my Greats,
-and see if I don't precious soon drop the acquaintance of those old
-classical parties!"
-
-"No you won't, old fellow!" said Charles Larkyns; "you'll find that
-they'll stick to you through life, just like poor relations, and you
-won't be able to shake them off. And you ought not to wish to do so,
-more especially as, in the end, you will find them to have been very
-rich relations."
-
-"A sort of 'O my prophetic soul, my uncle!' I suppose, Master Charley,"
-observed Mr. Bouncer; "but what I meant when I said that I had been hard
-at work, was, that I had been writing a letter; and, though I say it
-that ought not to say it, I flatter myself it's no end of a good
-letter."
-
-"Is it a love-letter?" asked Charles Larkyns, who was leaning against
-the mantelpiece, amusing himself with a cigar which he had taken from
-Mr. Bouncer's box.
-
-"A love-letter?" replied the little gentleman, contemptuously--"my gum!
-no; I should rayther think not! I may have done many foolish things in
-my life, but I can't have the tender passion laid to my charge. No! I've
-been writing my letter to the Mum: I always write to her once a term."
-Mr. Bouncer, it must be observed, always referred to his maternal
-relative (his father had been long dead) by the epithet of "the Mum."
-
-"Once a term!" said our hero, in a tone of surprise; "why I always write
-home once or twice every week."
-
-"You don't mean to say so, Giglamps!" replied Mr. Bouncer, with
-admiration. "Well, some fellers have what you call a genius for that sort
-of thing, you see, though what you can find to tell 'em I can't imagine.
-But if I'd gone at that pace I should have got right through the Guide
-Book by this time, and then it would have been all U P, and I should
-have been obleeged to have invented another dodge. You don't seem to
-take, Giglamps?"
-
-"Well, I really don't know what you mean," answered our hero.
-
-"Why," continued Mr. Bouncer, "you see, there's only the Mum and Fanny at
-home: Fanny's my sister, Giglamps--a regular stunner--just suit
-you!--and they, you understand, don't care to hear about wines, and Town
-and Gowns, and all that sort of thing; and, you see, I ain't inventive
-and that, and can't spin a yarn about nothing; so, as soon as ever I
-came up to Oxford, I invested money in a Guide Book; and I began at the
-beginning, and I gave the Mum three pages of Guide Book in each letter.
-Of course, you see, the Mum imagines it's all my own observation; and
-she thinks no end of my letters, and says that they make her know Oxford
-almost as well as if she lived here; and she, of course, makes a good
-deal of me; and as Oxford's the place where I hang out, you see, she
-takes an interest in reading something about the jolly old place."
-
-"Of course," observed Mr. Verdant Green; "my mamma--mother, at
-least--and sisters, always take pleasure in hearing about Oxford; but
-your plan never occurred to me."
-
-"It's a first-rater, and no mistake," said Mr. Bouncer, confidently,
-"and saves a deal of trouble. I think of taking out a patent for
-it--'Bouncer's Complete Letter-Writer'--or get some literary swell to
-put it into a book, 'with a portrait of the inventor;' it would be sure
-to sell. You see, it's what you call amusement blended with information;
-and that's more than you can say of most men's letters to the Home
-department."
-
-"Cocky Palmer's, for instance," said Charles Larkyns, "which always
-contained a full, true, and particular account of his Wheatley doings.
-He used to go over there, Verdant, to indulge in the noble sport of
-cock-fighting, for which he had a most unamiable and unenviable
-weakness; that was the reason why he was called 'Cocky' Palmer. His
-elder brother--who was a Pembroke man--was distinguished by the pronomen
-'Snuffy,' to express his excessive partiality for that titillating
-compound."
-
-"And Snuffy Palmer," remarked Mr. Bouncer, "was a long sight better
-feller than Cocky, who was in the very worst set in Brazenface. But
-Cocky did the Wheatley dodge once too often, and it was a good job for
-the King of Oude when his friend Cocky came to grief, and had to take
-his name off the books."
-
-"You look as though you wanted a translation of this," said Charles
-Larkyns to our hero, who had been listening to the conversation with
-some wonderment,--understanding about as much of it as many persons who
-attend the St. James's Theatre understand the dialogue of the French
-Plays. "There are College _cabalia_, as well as Jewish; and College
-surnames are among these. 'The King of Oude' was a man of the name of
-Towlinson, who always used to carry into Hall with him a bottle of '_the
-King of Oxide's Sauce_,' for which he had some mysterious liking, and
-without which he professed himself unable to get through his dinner. At
-one time he was a great friend of Cocky Palmer's, and used to go with
-him to the cock-fights at Wheatley--that village just on the other side
-Shotover Hill--where we did a 'constitutional' the other day. Cocky, as
-our respected friend says, 'came to grief,' but was allowed to save
-himself from expulsion by voluntarily, or rather in-voluntarily, taking
-his name off the books. When his connection with Cocky had thus been
-ruthlessly broken, 'the King' got into a better set, and retrieved his
-character."
-
-"The moral of which, my beloved Giglamps," observed Mr. Bouncer, "is,
-that there are as many sets of men in a College as there are of
-quadrilles in a ball-room, and that it's just as easy to take your place
-in one as it is in another; but, that when you've once taken up your
-position, you'll find it ain't an easy thing, you see, to make a change
-for yourself, till the set is broken up. Whereby, Giglamps, you may
-comprehend what a grateful bird you ought to be, for Charley's having
-put you into the best set in Brazenface."
-
-Mr. Verdant Green was heard to murmur, "sensible of honour,--grateful
-for kindness,--endeavours to deserve,"--and the other broken sentiments
-which are commonly made use of by gentlemen who get upon their legs to
-return thanks for having been "tea-potted."
-
-"If you like to hear it," said Mr. Bouncer, "I'll read you my letter to
-the Mum. It ain't very private; and I flatter myself, Giglamps, that
-it'll serve you as a model."
-
-"Let's have it by all means, Harry," said Charles Larkyns. "It must be
-an interesting document; and I am curious to hear what it is that you
-consider a model for epistolary communication from an undergraduate to
-his maternal relative."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-"Off she goes then;" observed Mr. Bouncer; "lend me your ears--list,
-list, O list! as the recruiting-sergeant or some other feller says in
-the Play. 'Now, my little dears! look straight for'ard--blow your noses,
-and don't brathe on the glasses!'" and Mr. Bouncer read the letter,
-interspersing it with explanatory observations:--
-
-"'_My dearest mother,--I have been quite well since I left you, and I
-hope you and Fanny have been equally salubrious._'--That's doing the
-civil, you see: now we pass on to statistics.--'_We had rain the day
-before yesterday, but we shall have a new moon to-night._'--You see, the
-Mum always likes to hear about the weather, so I get that out of the
-Almanack. Now we get on to the interesting part of the letter.--'_I will
-now tell you a little about Merton College._'--That's where I had just
-got to. We go right through the Guide Book, you understand.--'_The
-history of this establishment is of peculiar importance, as exhibiting
-the primary model of all the collegiate bodies in Oxford and Cambridge.
-The statutes of Walter de Merton had been more or less copied by all
-other founders in succession; and the whole constitution of both
-Universities, as we now behold them, may be, not without reason,
-ascribed to the liberality and munificence of this truly great
-man._'--Truly great man! that's no end good, ain't it? observed Mr.
-Bouncer, in the manner of the 'mobled queen is good' of Polonius.--'_His
-sagacity and wisdom led him to profit by the spirit of the times; his
-opulence enabled him to lay the foundation of a nobler system; and the
-splendour of his example induced others, in subsequent ages, to raise a
-superstructure at once attractive and solid._'--That's piling it up
-mountaynious, ain't it?--'_The students were no longer dispersed through
-the streets and lanes of the city, dwelling in insulated houses, halls,
-inns, or hostels, subject to dubious control and precarious
-discipline._'--That's stunnin', is'nt it? just like those Times fellers
-write.--'_But placed under the immediate superintendence of tutors and
-governors, and lodged in comfortable chambers. This was little less than
-an academical revolution; and a new order of things may be dated from
-this memorable era. Love to Fanny; and, believe me your affectionate
-Son, Henry Bouncer._'--If the Mum don't say that's first-rate, I'm a
-Dutchman! You see, I don't write very close, so that this respectably
-fills up three sides of a sheet of note-paper. Oh, here's something over
-the leaf. '_P.S. I hope Stump and Rowdy have got something for me,
-because I want some tin very bad._' That's all! Well, Giglamps! don't
-you call that quite a model letter for a University man to send to his
-tender parient?"
-
-"It certainly contains some interesting information," said our hero,
-with a Quaker-like indirectness of reply.
-
-"It seems to me, Harry," said Charles Larkyns, "that the pith of it,
-like a lady's letter, lies in the postscript--the demand for money."
-
-"You see," observed the little gentleman in explanation, "Stump and
-Rowdy are the beggars that have got all my property till I come of age
-next year; and they only let me have money at certain times, because
-it's what they facetiously call _tied-up_: though _why_ they've tied it
-up, or _where_ they've tied it up, I hav'nt the smallest idea. So,
-though I tick for nearly everything,--for men at College, Giglamps, go
-upon tick as naturally as the crows do on the sheep's backs,--I
-sometimes am rather hard up for ready dibs; and then I give the Mum a
-gentlemanly hint of this, and she tips me. By-the-way," continued Mr.
-Bouncer, as he re-read his postscript, "I must alter the word 'tin' into
-'money'; or else she'll be taking it literally, just as she did with
-the ponies. Know what a pony is, Giglamps?"
-
-"Why, of course I do," replied Mr. Verdant Green; "besides which, I have
-kept one: he was an Exmoor pony,--a bay one, with a long tail."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-"Oh, Giglamps!' You'll be the death of me some fine day," faintly
-exclaimed little Mr. Bouncer, as he slowly recovered from an exhausting
-fit of laughter. "You're as bad as the Mum was. A pony means twenty-five
-pound, old feller. But the Mum didn't know that; and when I wrote to her
-and said, 'I'm very short; please to send me two ponies;' meaning, of
-course, that I wanted fifty pound; what must she do, but write back and
-say, that, with some difficulty, she had procured for me two Shetland
-ponies, and that, as I was short, she hoped they would suit my size.
-And, before I had time to send her another letter, the two little
-beggars came. Well, I couldn't ride them both at once, like the fellers
-do at Astley's; so I left one at Tollitt's, and I rode the other down
-the High, as cool as a cucumber. You see, though I ain't a giant, and
-that, yet I was big for the pony; and as Shelties are rum-looking little
-beggars, I dare say we look'd rather queer and original. But the Proctor
-happened to see me; and he cut up so doosed rough about it, that I
-couldn't show on the Shelties any more; and Tollit was obliged to get
-rid of them for me."
-
-"Well, Harry," said Charles Larkyns; "it is to Tollitt's that you must
-now go, as you keep your horse there. We want you to join us in a ride."
-
-"What!" cried out Mr. Bouncer, "old Giglamps going outside an Oxford
-hack once more! Why, I thought you'd made a vow never to do so again?"
-
-"Why, I certainly did so," replied Mr. Verdant Green; "but Charles
-Larkyns, during the holidays--the vacation, at least--was kind enough to
-take me out several rides; so I have had a great deal of practice since
-last term."
-
-"And you don't require to be strapped on, or to get inside and pull down
-the blinds?" inquired Mr. Bouncer.
-
-"Oh dear, no!"
-
-[Illustration]
-
-The fact was, that during the long vacation Charles Larkyns had paid
-considerable attention to our hero's equestrian exercises; not so much,
-it must be confessed, out of friendship for his friend, as that he might
-have an opportunity of riding by the side of that friend's fair sister
-Mary, for whom he entertained something more than a partiality. And
-herein, probably, Mr. Charles Larkyns showed both taste and judgment.
-For there may be many things less pleasant in this world than cantering
-down a green Warwickshire lane--on some soft summer's day when the green
-is greenest and the blossoms brightest--side by side with a charming
-girl whose nature is as light and sunny as the summer air and the summer
-sky. Pleasant it is to watch the flushing cheek glow rosier, than the
-rosiest of all the briar-roses that stoop to kiss it. Pleasant it is to
-look into the lustrous light of tender eyes; and to see the loosened
-ringlets reeling with the motion of the ride. Pleasant it is to canter
-on from lane to lane over soft moss, and springy turf, between the high
-honeysuckle hedges, and the broad-branched beeches that meet overhead in
-a tangled embrace. But pleasanter by far than all is it, to hug to one's
-heart the darling fancy that she who is cantering on by your side in all
-the witchery of her maiden beauty, holds you in her dearest thoughts,
-and dowers you with all her wealth of love. Pleasant rides indeed,
-pleasant fancies, and pleasant day-dreams, had the long vacation brought
-to Charles Larkyns!
-
-"Well, come along, Verdant," said Mr. Larkyns, "we'll go to Charley
-Symonds' and get our hacks. You can meet us, Harry, just over the
-Maudlin Bridge; and we'll have a canter along the Henley road."
-
-So Mr. Verdant Green and his friend walked into Holywell Street, and
-passed under the archway up to Symonds' stables. But the nervous
-trepidation which our hero had felt in the same place on a previous
-occasion returned with full force when his horse was led out in an
-exuberantly playful and "fresh" condition. The beast he had bestridden
-during his long vacation rides, with his sister and his (and sister's)
-friend, was a cob-like steed, whose placidity of temper was fully
-equalled by its gravity of demeanour; and who would as soon have thought
-of flying over a five-bar gate as he would of kicking up his respectable
-heels both behind and before in the low-lived manner recorded of the
-Ethiopian "Old Joe." But, if "Charley Symonds'" hacks had been of this
-pacific and easy-going kind, it is highly probable that Mr. C. S. and
-his stud would not have acquired that popularity which they had
-deservedly achieved. For it seems to be a _sine-quâ-non_ with an Oxford
-hack, that to general showiness of exterior, it must add the power of
-enduring any amount of hard riding and rough treatment in the course of
-the day which its _pro-tem._ proprietor may think fit to inflict upon
-it; it being an axiom which has obtained, as well in Universities as in
-other places, that it is of no advantage to hire a hack unless you get
-out of him as much as you can for your money, you won't want to use him
-to-morrow, so you don't care about over-riding him to-day.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-But, all this time, Mr. Verdant Green is drawing on his gloves, in the
-nervous manner that tongue-tied gentlemen go through the same
-performance during the conversational spasms of the first-set of
-Quadrilles; the groom is leading out the exuberantly playful quadruped
-on whose back Mr. Verdant Green is to disport himself; Charles Larkyns
-is mounted; the November sun is shining brightly on the perspective of
-the yard and stables, and the tower of New College; the dark archway
-gives one a peep of Holywell Street; while the cold blue sky is flecked
-with gleaming pigeons.
-
-At last, Mr. Verdant Green has scrambled into his saddle, and is riding
-cautiously down the yard, while his heart beats in an alarming
-alarum-like way. As they ride under the archway, there, in the little
-room underneath it, is Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, selecting his
-particular tandem-whip from a group of some two score of similar whips
-kept there in readiness for their respective owners.
-
-"Charley, you're a beast!" says Mr. Fosbrooke, politely addressing
-himself to Mr. Larkyns; "I wanted Bouncer to come with me in the cart to
-Abingdon, and I find that the little man is engaged to you." Upon which,
-Mr. Fosbrooke playfully raising his tandem-whip, Mr. Verdant Green's
-horse plunges, and brings his rider's head into concussion with the lamp
-which hangs within the gateway; whereupon, the hat falls off, and our
-hero is within an ace of following his hat's example.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-By a powerful exertion, however, he recovers his proper position in the
-saddle, and proceeds in an agitated and jolted condition, by Charles
-Larkyns's side, down Holywell Street, past the Music Room,[10] and round
-by the Long Wall, and over Magdalen Bridge. Here they are soon joined by
-Mr. Bouncer, mounted, according to the custom of small men, on one of
-Tollitt's tallest horses, of ever-so-many hands high. As by this time
-our hero has got more accustomed to his steed, his courage gradually
-returns, and he rides on with his companions very pleasantly, enjoying
-the magnificent distant view of his University. When they have passed
-Cowley, some very tempting fences are met with; and Mr. Bouncer and Mr.
-Larkyns, being unable to resist their fascinations, put their horses at
-them, and leap in and out of the road in an insane Vandycking kind of
-way; while an excited agriculturist, whose smock-frock heaves with
-indignation, pours down denunciations on their heads.
-
-"Blow that bucolical party!" says Mr. Bouncer; "he's no right to
-interfere with the enjoyments of the animals. If they break the fences,
-it ain't their faults; it's the fault of the farmers for not making the
-fences strong enough to bear them. Come along, Giglamps! put your beast
-at that hedge! he'll take you over as easy as if you were sitting in an
-arm-chair."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-But Mr. Verdant Green has doubts about the performance of this piece of
-equestrian upholstery; and, thinking that the arm-chair would soon
-become a reclining one, he is firm in his refusal to put the leaping
-powers of his steed to the test. But having, afterwards, obtained some
-"jumping powder" at a certain small road-side hostelry to which Mr.
-Bouncer has piloted the party, our hero, on his way back to Oxford,
-screws up his courage sufficiently to gallop his steed desperately at a
-ditch which yawns, a foot wide, before him. But to his immense
-astonishment--not to say, disgust--the obtuse-minded quadruped gives a
-leap which would have taken him clear over a canal; and our hero, not
-being prepared for this very needless display of agility, flies off the
-saddle at a tangent, and finds that his "vaulting ambition," had
-o'erleap'd itself, and fallen on the other side--of the ditch.
-
-"It ain't your fault, Giglamps!" says Mr. Bouncer, when he has galloped
-after Verdant's steed, and has led it up to him, and when he has
-ascertained that his friend is not in the least hurt; but has only
-broken--his glasses; "it ain't your fault, Giglamps, old feller! it's
-the clumsiness of the hack. He tossed you up, and could'nt catch you
-again!"
-
-And so our hero rides back to Oxford. But, before the Term has ended, he
-has become more accustomed to Oxford hacks, and has made himself
-acquainted with the respective merits of the stables of Messrs. Symonds,
-Tollitt, and Pigg; and has, moreover, ridden with the drag, and, in this
-way, hunted the fabled foxes of Bagley Wood, and Whichwood Forest.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER VI.
-
-MR. VERDANT GREEN FEATHERS HIS OARS WITH SKILL AND DEXTERITY.
-
-
-November is not always the month of fog and mist and dulness. Oftentimes
-there are brilliant exceptions to that generally-received rule of
-depressing weather, which, in this month (according to our lively
-neighbours), induces the natives of our English metropolis to leap in
-crowds from the Bridge of Waterloo. There are in November, days of calm
-beauty, which are peculiar to that month--that kind of calm beauty which
-is so often seen as the herald of decay.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-But, whatever weather the month may bring to Oxford, it never brings
-gloom or despondency to Oxford men. They are a happily constituted set
-of beings, and can always create their own amusements; they crown
-Minerva with flowers without heeding her influenza, and never seem to
-think that the rosy-bosomed Hours may be laid up with bronchitis. Winter
-and summer appear to be pretty much the same to them: reading and
-recreation go hand-in-hand all the year round; and, among other
-pleasures, that of boating finds as many votaries in cold November, as
-it did in sunny June--indeed, the chilness of the air, in the former
-month, gives zest to an amusement which degenerates to hard labour in
-the dog-days. The classic Isis in the month of November, therefore,
-whenever the weather is anything like favourable, presents an animated
-scene. Eight-oars pass along, the measured pull of the oars in the
-rowlocks marking the time in musical cadence with their plashing dip in
-the water; perilous skiffs flit like fire-flies over the glassy surface
-of the river; men lounge about in the house-boats and barges, or gather
-together at King's, or Hall's, and industriously promulgate small talk
-and tobacco-smoke. All is gay and bustling. Although the feet of the
-strollers in the Christ-Church meadows rustle through the sere and
-yellow leaf, yet rich masses of brown and russet foliage still hang upon
-the trees, and light up into gold in the sun. The sky is of a cold but
-bright blue; the distant hills and woods are mellowed into sober
-purplish-gray tints, but over them the sun looks down with that peculiar
-red glow which is only seen in November.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-It was one of these bright days of "the month of gloom," that Mr.
-Verdant Green and Mr. Charles Larkyns being in the room of their friend,
-Mr. Bouncer, the little gentleman inquired, "Now then! what are you two
-fellers up to? I'm game for anything, I am! from pitch-and-toss to
-manslaughter."
-
-"I'm afraid," said Charles Larkyns, "that we can't accommodate you in
-either amusement, although we are going down to the river, with which
-Verdant wishes to renew his acquaintance. Last term, you remember, you
-picked him up in the Gut, when he had been played with at pitch-and-toss
-in a way that very nearly resembled manslaughter."
-
-"I remember, I remember, how old Giglamps floated by!" said Mr. Bouncer;
-"you looked like a half-bred mermaid Giglamps."
-
-"But the gallant youth," continued Mr. Larkyns, "undismayed by the
-perils from which he was then happily preserved, has boldly come forward
-and declared himself a worshipper of Isis, in a way worthy of the
-ancient Egyptians, or of Tom Moore's Epicurean."
-
-"Well! stop a minute you fellers," said Mr. Bouncer; "I must have my beer
-first: I can't do without my Bass relief. I'm like the party in the old
-song, and I likes a drop of good beer." And as he uncorked a bottle of
-Bass, little Mr. Bouncer sang, in notes as musical as those produced
-from his own tin horn--
-
-  "'Twixt wet and dry I always try
-    Between the extremes to steer;
-  Though I always shrunk from getting----intoxicated,
-    I was always fond of my beer!
-              For I likes a drop of good beer!
-              I'm particularly partial to beer!
-                Porter and swipes
-                Always give me the----stomach-ache!
-              But that's never the case with beer!"
-
-"Bravo, Harry!" cried Charles Larkyns; "you roar us an' twere any
-nightingale. It would do old Bishop Still's heart good to hear you; and
-'sure _I_ think, that _you_ can drink with any that wears a hood,' or
-that _will_ wear a hood when you take your Bachelor's, and put on your
-gown." And Charles Larkyns sang, rather more musically than Mr. Bouncer
-had done, from that song which, three centuries ago, the Bishop had
-written in praise of good ale,--
-
-  Let back and side go bare, go bare,
-    Both hand and foot go cold:
-  But, belly, God send thee good ale enough,
-    Whether it be new or old.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-They were soon down at the river side, where Verdant was carefully put
-into a tub (alas! the dear, awkward, safe, old things are fast passing
-away; they are giving place to suicidal skiffs, and will soon be
-numbered among the boats of other days!)--and was started off with
-almost as much difficulty as on his first essay. The tub--which was,
-indeed, his old friend the _Sylph_,--betrayed an awkward propensity for
-veering round towards Folly Bridge, which our hero at first failed to
-overcome; and it was not until he had performed a considerable amount of
-crab-catching, that he was enabled to steer himself in the proper
-direction. Charles Larkyns had taken his seat in an outrigger skiff (so
-frail and shaky that it made Verdant nervous to look at it), and, with
-one or two powerful strokes, had shot ahead, backed water, turned, and
-pulled back round the tub long before Verdant had succeeded in passing
-that eccentric mansion, to which allusion has before been made, as
-possessing in the place of cellars, an ingenious system of small rivers
-to thoroughly irrigate its foundation--a hydropathic treatment which may
-(or may not) be agreeable in Venice, but strikes one as being decidedly
-cold and comfortless when applied to Oxford,--at any rate, in the month
-of November. Walking on the lawn which stretched from this house
-towards the river, our hero espied two extremely pretty young ladies,
-whose hearts he endeavoured at once to take captive by displaying all
-his powers in that elegant exercise in which they saw him engaged. It
-may reasonably be presumed that Mr. Verdant Green's hopes were doomed to
-be blighted.
-
-Let us leave him, and take a look at Mr. Bouncer.
-
-Mr. Bouncer had been content to represent the prowess of his college in
-the cricket-field, and had never aspired to any fame as an oar. The
-exertions, as well as the fame, of aquatic honours, he had left to Mr.
-Blades, and those others like him, who considered it a trifle to pull
-down to Iffley and back again, two or three times a day, at racing pace
-with a fresh spurt put on every five minutes. Mr. Bouncer, too, had an
-antipathy to eat beefsteaks otherwise than in the state in which they
-are usually brought to table; and, as it seemed a _sine quâ non_ with
-the gentleman who superintended the training for the boat-races, that
-his pupils should daily devour beefsteaks which had merely looked at the
-fire, Mr. Bouncer, not having been brought up to cannibal habits, was
-unable to conform himself to this, and those other vital principles
-which seemed to regulate the science of aquatic training. The little
-gentleman moreover, did not join with the "Torpids" (as the second boats
-of a college are called), either, because he had a soul above them,--he
-would be _aut Cæsar, aut nullus_; either in the eight, or nowhere,--or
-else, because even the Torpids would cause him more trouble and
-pleasurable pain than would be agreeable to him. When Mr. Bouncer sat
-down on any hard substance, he liked to be able to do so without
-betraying any emotion that the action caused him personal discomfort;
-and he had noticed that many of the Torpids--not to mention one or two
-of the eight--were more particular than young men usually are about
-having a very easy, soft, and yielding chair to sit on.
-
-Mr. Bouncer, too, was of opinion that continued blisters were both
-unsightly and unpleasant; and that rawness was bad enough when taken in
-conjunction with beefsteaks, without being extended to one's own hands.
-He had also a summer passion for ices and creams, which were forbidden
-luxuries to one in training,--although (paradoxical as it may seem to
-say so) they trained, on Isis! He had also acquired a bad habit of
-getting up in one day, and going to bed in the next,--keeping late
-hours, and only rising early when absolutely compelled to do so in order
-to keep morning chapel--a habit which the trainer would have interfered
-with, considerably to the little gentleman's advantage. He had also an
-amiable weakness for pastry, port, claret, "et _hock_ genus omne;" and
-would have felt it a cruelty to have been deprived of his daily modicum
-of "smoke;" and in all these points, boat-training would have materially
-interfered with his comfort.
-
-Mr. Bouncer, therefore, amused himself equally as much to his own
-satisfaction as if he had been one of the envied eight, by occasionally
-paddling about with Charles Larkyns in an old pair-oar, built by Davis
-and King, and bought by Mr. Bouncer of its late Brazenfacian proprietor,
-when that gentleman, after a humorous series of plucks, rustications,
-and heavy debts, had finally been compelled to migrate to the King's
-Bench, for that purification of purse and person commonly designated
-"whitewashing." When Charles Larkyns and his partner did not use their
-pair-oar, the former occupied his outrigger skiff; and the latter,
-taking Huz and Buz on board a sailing boat, tacked up and down the river
-with great skill, the smoke gracefully curling from his meerschaum or
-short black pipe,--for Mr. Bouncer disapproved of smoking cigars at
-those times when the wind would have assisted him to get through them.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-"Hullo, Giglamps! here we are! as the clown says in the pantermime,"
-sung out the little gentleman as he came up with our hero, who was
-performing some extraordinary feats in full sight of the University
-crew, who were just starting from their barge; "you get no end of
-exercise out of your tub, I should think, by the style you work those
-paddles: They go in and out beautiful! Splish, splash; splish, splash!
-You must be one of the _wherry_ identical Row-brothers-row, whose
-voices kept tune and whose oars kept time, you know. You ought to go and
-splish-splash in the Freshman's River, Giglamps;--but I forgot--you
-ain't a freshman now, are you, old feller? Those swells in the
-University boats look as though they were bursting with envy--not to
-say, with laughter," added Mr. Bouncer, _sotto voce_. "Who taught you to
-do the dodge in such a stunning way, Giglamps?"
-
-"Why, last term, Charles Larkyns did," responded Mr. Verdant Green, with
-the freshness of a Freshman still lingering lovingly upon him. "I've not
-forgotten what he told me,--to put in my oar deep, and to bring it out
-with a jerk. But though I make them go as deep as I can, and jerk them
-out as much as possible, yet the boat _will_ keep turning round, and I
-can't keep it straight at all; and the oars are very heavy and
-unmanageable, and keep slipping out of the rowlocks--"
-
-"Commonly called _rullochs_," put in Mr. Bouncer, as a parenthetical
-correction, or marginal note on Mr. Verdant Green's words.
-
-"And when the Trinity boat went by, I could scarcely get out of their
-way; and they said very unpleasant things to me; and, altogether, I can
-assure you that it has made me very hot."
-
-"And a capital thing, too, Giglamps, this cold November day," said Mr.
-Bouncer; "I'm obliged to keep my coppers warm with this pea-coat, and my
-pipe. Charley came alongside me just now, on purpose to fire off one of
-his poetical quotations. He said that I reminded him of Beattie's
-_Minstrel_:--
-
-  "'Dainties he heeded not, nor gaud, nor toy,
-  Save one short pipe.'
-
-"I think that was something like it. But you see, Giglamps, I haven't
-got a figure-head for these sort of things like Charley has, so I
-couldn't return his shot; but since then, to me deeply pondering, as
-those old Greek parties say, a fine sample of our superior old crusted
-jokes has come to hand; and when Charley next pulls alongside, I shall
-tell him that I am like that beggar we read about in old Slowcoach's
-lecture the other day, and that, if I had been in the humour, I could
-have sung out, Io Bacche![11] _I owe baccy_--d'ye see, Giglamps? Well,
-old feller! you look rather puffed, so clap on your coat; and, if
-there's a rope's end, or a chain, in your tub, and you'll just pay it
-out here, I'll make you fast astern, and pull you down the river; and
-then you'll be in prime condition to work yourself up again. The wind's
-in our back, and we shall get on jolly."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-So our hero made fast the tub to his friend's sailing-boat, and was
-towed as far as the Haystack. During the voyage Mr. Bouncer ascertained
-that Mr. Charles Larkyns had improved some of the shining hours of the
-long vacation considerably to Mr. Verdant Green's benefit, by teaching
-him the art of swimming--a polite accomplishment of which our hero had
-been hitherto ignorant. Little Mr. Bouncer, therefore, felt easier in
-his mind, if any repetition of his involuntary bath in the Gut should
-befal our hero; and, after giving him (wonderful to say) some correct
-advice regarding the management of the oars, he cast off the _Sylph_,
-and left her and our hero to their own devices. But, profiting by the
-friendly hints which he had received, Mr. Verdant Green made
-considerable progress in the skill and dexterity with which he feathered
-his oars; and he sat in his tub looking as wise as Diogenes may
-(perhaps) have done in _his_. He moreover pulled the boat back to Hall's
-without meeting with any accident worth mentioning; and when he had got
-on shore he was highly complimented by Mr. Blades and a group of boating
-gentlemen "for the admirable display of science which he had afforded
-them."
-
-Mr. Verdant Green was afterwards taken alternately by Charles Larkyns
-and Mr. Bouncer in their pair-oar; so that, by the end of the term, he
-at any rate knew more of boating than to accept as one of its
-fundamental rules, "put your oar in deep, and bring it out with a jerk."
-
-In the first week in December he had an opportunity of pulling over a
-fresh piece of water. One of those inundations occurred to which Oxford
-is so liable, and the meadow-land to the south and west of the city was
-covered by the flood. Boats plied to and from the railway station in
-place of omnibuses; the Great Western was not to be seen for water; and,
-at the Abingdon-road bridge, at Cold-harbour, the rails were washed
-away, and the trains brought to a stand-still. The Isis was amplified to
-the width of the Christchurch meadows; the Broad Walk had a peep of
-itself upside down in the glassy mirror; the windings of the Cherwell
-could only be traced by the trees on its banks. There was
-
-  "Water, water everywhere;"
-
-and a disagreeable quantity of it too, as those Christchurch men whose
-ground-floor rooms were towards the meadows soon discovered. Mr. Bouncer
-is supposed to have brought out one of his "fine, old, crusted jokes,"
-when he asserted in reference to the inundation, that "Nature had
-assumed a lake complexion." Posts and rails, and hay, and a
-miscellaneous collection of articles, were swept along by the current,
-together with the bodies of hapless sheep and pigs. But, in spite of
-these incumbrances, boats of all descriptions were to be seen sailing,
-pulling, skiffing, and punting, over the flooded meadows. Numerous were
-the disasters, and many were the boats that were upset.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-Indeed, the adventures of Mr. Verdant Green would probably have here
-terminated in a misadventure, had he not (thanks to Charles Larkyns)
-mastered the art of swimming; for he was in Mr. Bouncer's sailing-boat,
-which was sailing very merrily over the flood, when its merriness was
-suddenly checked by its grounding on the stump of a lopped pollard
-willow, and forthwith capsizing. Our hero, who had been sitting in the
-bows, was at once swept over by the sail, and, for a moment, was in
-great peril; but, disengaging himself from the cordage, he struck out,
-and swam to a willow whose friendly boughs and top had just formed an
-asylum for Mr. Bouncer, who in great anxiety was coaxing Huz and Buz to
-swim to the same ark of safety.
-
-Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Bouncer were speedily rescued from their
-position, and were not a little thankful for their escape.
-
-FOOTNOTES:
-
-[10] Now used for the Museum of the Oxford Architectural Society.
-
-[11]
-
-  ----"Si collibuisset, ab ovo
-  Usque ad mala citaret, Io Bacche!"--Hor. Sat. Lib. I. 3.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER VII.
-
-MR. VERDANT GREEN PARTAKES OF A DOVE-TART AND A SPREAD-EAGLE.
-
-
-"Hullo, Giglamps, you lazy beggar!" said the cheery voice of little Mr.
-Bouncer, as he walked into our hero's bedroom one morning towards the
-end of term, and found Mr. Verdant Green in bed, though sufficiently
-awakened by the sounding of Mr. Bouncer's octaves for the purposes of
-conversation; "this'll never do, you know, Giglamps! Cutting chapel to
-do the downy! Why, what do you mean, sir? Didn't you ever learn in the
-nursery what happened to old Daddy Long-legs when he wouldn't say his
-prayers?"
-
-"Robert _did_ call me," said our hero, rubbing his eyes; "but I felt
-tired, so I told him to put in an _æger_."
-
-"Upon my word, young 'un," observed Mr. Bouncer, "you're a coming it,
-you are! and only in your second term, too. What makes you wear a
-nightcap, Giglamps? Is it to make your hair curl, or to keep your
-venerable head warm? Nightcaps ain't healthy; they are only fit for
-long-tailed babbies, and old birds that are as bald as coots; or else
-for gents that grease their wool with 'thine incomparable oil,
-Macassar,' as the noble poet justly remarks."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-[Illustration]
-
-"It ain't always pleasant," continued the little gentleman, who was
-perched up on the side of the bed, and seemed in a communicative
-disposition, "it ain't always pleasant to turn out for morning chapel,
-is it, Giglamps? But it's just like the eels with their skinning: it
-goes against the grain at first, but you soon get used to it. When I
-first came up, I was a frightful lazy beggar, and I got such a heap of
-impositions for not keeping my morning chapels, that I was obliged to
-have three fellers constantly at work writing 'em out for me. This was
-rather expensive, you see; and then the dons threatened to take away my
-term altogether, and bring me to grief, if I didn't be more regular. So
-I was obliged to make a virtuous resolution, and I told Robert that he
-was to insist on my getting up in a morning, and I should tip him at the
-end of term if he succeeded. So at first he used to come and hammer at
-the door; but that was no go. So then he used to come in and shake me,
-and try to pull the clothes off; but, you see, I always used to prepare
-for him, by taking a good supply of boots and things to bed with me; so
-I was able to take shies at the beggar till he vanished, and left me to
-snooze peaceably. You see, it ain't every feller as likes to have a
-Wellington boot at his head; but that rascal of a Robert is used to
-those trifles, and I was obliged to try another dodge. This you know was
-only of a morning when I was in bed. When I had had my breakfast, and
-got my imposition, and become virtuous again, I used to slang him awful
-for having let me cut chapel; and then I told him that he must always
-stand at the door until he heard me out of bed. But, when the morning
-came, it seemed running such a risk, you see to one's lungs and all
-those sort of things to turn out of the warm bed into the cold chapel,
-that I would answer Robert when he hammered at the door; but, instead of
-getting up, I would knock my boots against the floor, as though I was
-out of bed, don't you see, and was padding about. But that wretch of a
-Robert was too old a bird to be caught with this dodge; so he used to
-sing out, 'You must show a leg, sir!' and, as he kept on hammering at
-the door till I _did_--for, you see, Giglamps, he was looking out for
-the tip at the end of term, so it made him persevere--and as his beastly
-hammering used, of course, to put a stopper on my going to sleep again,
-I used to rush out in a frightful state of wax, and show a leg. And
-then, being well up, you see, it was no use doing the downy again, so it
-was just as well to make one's _twilight_ and go to chapel. Don't gape,
-Giglamps; it's beastly rude, and I havn't done yet. I'm going to tell
-you another dodge--one of old Small's. He invested money in an alarum,
-with a string from it tied on to the bed-clothes, so as to pull them off
-at whatever time you chose to set it. But I never saw the fun of being
-left high and dry on your bed: it would be a shock to the system which I
-couldn't stand. But even this dreadful expedient would be better than
-posting an _æger_; which, you know, you didn't ought to was, Giglamps.
-Well, turn out, old feller! I've told Robert to take your commons[12]
-into my room. Smalls and Charley are coming, and I've got a dove-tart
-and a spread-eagle."
-
-"Whatever are they?" asked Mr. Verdant Green.
-
-"Not know what they are!" cried Mr. Bouncer; "why a dove-tart is what
-mortals call a pigeon-pie. I ain't much in Tennyson's line, but it
-strikes me that dove-tarts are more poetical than the other thing;
-spread-eagle is a barn-door fowl smashed out flat, and made jolly with
-mushroom sauce, and no end of good things. I don't know how they squash
-it, but I should say that they sit upon it; I daresay, if we were to
-inquire, we should find that they kept a fat feller on purpose. But you
-just come, and try how it eats." And, as Mr. Verdant Green's bedroom
-barely afforded standing room, even for one, Mr. Bouncer walked into the
-sitting-room, while his friend arose from his couch like a youthful
-Adonis, and proceeded to bathe his ambrosial person, by taking certain
-sanatory measures in splashing about in a species of tub--a performance
-which Mr. Bouncer was wont to term "doing tumbies."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-"What'll you take for your letters, Giglamps?" called out the little
-gentleman from the other room; "the Post's in, and here are three for
-you. Two are from women,--young uns I should say, from the regular ups
-and downs, and right angles: they look like billyduxes. Give you a bob
-for them, at a venture! they may be funny. The other is suspiciously
-like a tick, and ought to be looked shy on. I should advise you not to
-open it, but to pitch it in the fire: it may save a fit of the blues. If
-you want any help over shaving, just say so, Giglamps, will you, before
-I go; and then I'll hold your nose for you, or do anything else that's
-civil and accommodating. And, when you've done your tumbies, come in to
-the dove-tart and the spread-eagle." And off went Mr. Bouncer, making
-terrible noises with his post-horn, in his strenuous but futile
-endeavours to discover the octaves.
-
-Our hero soon concluded his "tumbies" and his dressing (_not_ including
-the shaving), and made his way to Mr. Bouncer's rooms, where he did
-full justice to the dove-tart, and admired the spread-eagle so much,
-that he thought of bribing the confectioner for the recipe to take home
-as a Christmas-box for his mother.
-
-"Well, Giglamps," said Mr. Bouncer, when breakfast was over, "to spare
-the blushes on your venerable cheeks, I won't even so much as refer to
-the billy duxes; but, I'll only ask, what was the damage of the tick?"
-
-"Oh! it was not a bill," replied Mr. Verdant Green; "it was a letter
-about a dog from the man of whom I bought Mop last term."
-
-"What! Filthy Lucre?" cried Mr. Bouncer; "well, I thought, somehow, I
-knew the fist! he writes just as if he'd learnt from imitating his dogs'
-hind-legs. Let's have a sight of it if it ain't private and
-confidential!"
-
-"Oh dear no! on the contrary, I was going to show it to you, and ask
-your advice on the contents." And Verdant handed to Mr. Bouncer a
-letter, which had been elaborately sealed with the aid of a key, and was
-directed high up in the left-hand corner to
-
-  "Virdon grene esqre braisenface
-      collidge Oxford."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-"You look beastly lazy, Charley!" said Mr. Bouncer to Mr. Charles
-Larkyns; "so, while I fill my pipe, just spit out the letter, _pro
-bono_." And Charles Larkyns, lying in Mr. Bouncer's easiest lounging
-chair, read as follows:--
-
-      "Onnerd sir i tak the libbaty of a Dressin of you in respex of A
-      dog which i wor sorry For to ear of your Loss in mop which i had
-      The pleshur of Sellin of 2 you onnerd sir A going astray And not a
-      turnin hup Bein of A unsurtin Tempor and guv to A folarin of
-      strandgers which wor maybe as ow You wor a lusein on him onnerd
-      Sir bein Overdogd at this ere present i can let you have A rale
-      good teryer at A barrging which wold giv sattefacshun onnered Sir
-      it wor 12 munth ago i Sold to Bounser esqre a red smooth air
-      terier Dog anserin 2 nam of Tug as wor rite down goodun and No
-      mistake onnerd Sir the purpurt Of this ere is too say as ow i have
-      a Hone brother to Tug black tann and ful ears and If you wold like
-      him i shold bee prowd too wate on you onnerd Sir he wor by
-      robbingsons Twister out of mister jones of abingdons Fan of witch
-      brede Bounser esqre nose on the merritts onnerd Sir he is very
-      Smal and smooth air and most xlent aither for wood Or warter a
-      liter before Tug onnerd Sir is nam is Vermin and he hant got his
-      nam by no mistake as No Vermin not even poll katts can live long
-      before him onnerd Sir I considders as vermin is very sootble
-      compannion for a Gent indors or hout and bein lively wold give
-      amoosement i shall fele it A plesure a waitin on you onnerd Sir
-      opin you will pardin the libbaty of a Dressin of you but my head
-      wor ful of vermin and i wishd to tel you
-
-  "onnerd Sir yures
-  2 komand j. Looker."
-
-"The nasty beggar!" said Mr. Bouncer, in reference to the last
-paragraph. "Well, Giglamps! Filthy Lucre does'nt tell fibs when he says
-that Tug came of a good breed: but he was so doosed pugnacious, that he
-was always having set-to's with Huz and Buz, in the coal-shop just
-outside the door here; and so, as I'd nowhere else to stow them, I was
-obliged to give Tug away. Dr. What's-his-name says, 'Let dogs delight to
-bark and bite, for 'tis their nature to.' But then, you see, it's only a
-delight when they bite _somebody else's_ dog; and if Dr. What's-his-name
-had had a kennel of his own, he would'nt have took it so coolly; and,
-whether it was their nature so to do or not, he would'nt have let the
-little beggars, that he fork'd out thirteen bob a-year for to the
-government, amuse themselves by biting each other, or tearing out each
-other's eyes; he'd have turn'd them over, don't you see, to his
-neighbours' dogs, and have let them do the biting department on _them_.
-And, altogether, Giglamps, I'd advise you to let Filthy Lucre's Vermin
-alone, and have nothing to do with the breed."
-
-So Mr. Verdant Green took his friend's advice, and then took himself off
-to learn boxing at the hands, and gloves, of the Putney Pet; for our
-hero, at the suggestion of Mr. Charles Larkyns, had thought it advisable
-to receive a few lessons in the fistic art, in order that he might be
-the better able to defend himself, should he be engaged in a second Town
-and Gown. He found the Pet in attendance upon Mr. Foote; and, by their
-mutual aid, speedily mastered the elements of the Art of Self-defence.
-
-Mr. Foote's rooms at St. John's were in the further corner to the
-right-hand side of the Quad, and had windows looking into the gardens.
-When Charles had held his Court at St. John's, and when the loyal
-College had melted down its plate to coin into money for the King's
-necessities, the Royal visitor had occupied these very rooms. But it was
-not on this account alone that they were the show rooms of the College,
-and that tutors sent their compliments to Mr. Foote, with the request
-that he would allow a party of friends to see his rooms. It was chiefly
-on account of the lavish manner in which Mr. Foote had furnished his
-rooms, with what he theatrically called "properties," that made them so
-sought out: and country lionisers of Oxford, who took their impressions
-of an Oxford student's room from those of Mr. Foote, must have
-entertained very highly coloured ideas of the internal aspect of the
-sober-looking old Colleges.
-
-The sitting-room was large and lofty, and was panelled with oak
-throughout. At the further end was an elaborately carved book-case of
-walnut wood, filled with books gorgeously bound in every tint of morocco
-and vellum, with their backs richly tooled in gold. It was currently
-reported in the College that "Footelights" had given an order for a
-certain number of _feet_ of books,--not being at all proud as to their
-contents,--and had laid down the sum of a thousand pounds (or
-thereabouts) for their binding. This might have been scandal; but the
-fact of his father being a Colossus of (the iron) Roads, and indulging
-his son and heir in every expense, gave some colour to the rumour.
-
-The panels were covered with the choicest engravings (all
-proofs-before-letters), and with water-colour drawings by Cattermole,
-Cox, Fripp, Hunt, and Frederick Tayler--their wide, white margins being
-sunk in light gilt frames. Above these gleamed groups of armour,
-standing out effectively (and theatrically), against the dark oak
-panels, and full of "reflected lights," that would have gladdened the
-heart of Maclise. There were couches of velvet, and lounging chairs of
-every variety and shape. There was a Broadwood's grand piano-forte, on
-which Mr. Foote, although uninstructed, could play skilfully. There
-were round tables and square tables, and writing tables; and there were
-side tables with statuettes, and Swiss carvings, and old china, and gold
-apostle-spoons, and lava ware, and Etruscan vases, and a swarm of
-Spiers's elegant knick-knackeries. There were reading-stands of all
-sorts; Briarean-armed brazen ones that fastened on to the chair you sat
-in,--sloping ones to rest on the table before you, elaborately carved in
-open work, and an upright one of severe Gothic, like a lectern, where
-you were to stand and read without contracting your chest. Then there
-were all kinds of stands to hold books: sliding ones, expanding ones,
-portable ones, heavy fixture ones, plain mahogany ones, and oak ones
-made glorious by Margetts with the arms of Oxford and St. John's, carved
-and emblazoned on the ends.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-Mr. Foote's rooms were altogether a very gorgeous instance of a
-Collegian's apartment; and Mr. Foote himself was a very striking example
-of the theatrical undergraduate. Possessing great powers of mimicry and
-facial expression, he was able to imitate any peculiarities which were
-to be observed either in Dons or Undergraduates, in Presidents or
-Scouts. He could sit down at his piano, and give you--after the manner
-of Theodore Hook, or John Parry--a burlesque opera; singing high up in
-his head for the prima donna, and going down to his boots for the _basso
-profondo_ of the great Lablache. He could also draw corks, saw wood, do
-a bee in a handkerchief, and make monkeys, cats, dogs, a farm-yard, or a
-full band, with equal facility. He would also give you Mr. Keeley, in
-"Betsy Baker;" Mr. Paul Bedford, as "I believe you my bo-o-oy!" Mr.
-Buckstone, as Cousin Joe, and "Box and Cox;" or Mr. Wright, as Paul Pry,
-or Mr. Felix Fluffy. Besides the comedians, Mr. Footelights would also
-give you the leading tragedians, and would favour you (through his nose)
-with the popular burlesque imitation of Mr. Charles Kean, as _Hablet_.
-He would fling himself down on the carpet, and grovel there, as Hamlet
-does in the play-scene, and would exclaim, with frantic vehemence, "He
-poisods hib i' the garded, for his estate. His dabe's Godzago: the story
-is extadt, ad writted id very choice Italiad. You shall see adod, how
-the burderer gets the love of Godzago's wife." Moreover, as his room
-possessed the singularity of a trap-door leading down into a
-wine-cellar, Mr. "Footelights" was thus enabled to leap down into the
-aperture, and carry on the personation of Hamlet in Ophelia's grave. As
-the theatrical trait in his character was productive of much amusement,
-and as he was also considered to be one of those hilarious fragments of
-masonry, popularly known as "jolly bricks," Mr. Foote's society was
-greatly cultivated; and Mr. Verdant Green struck up a warm friendship
-with him.
-
-But the Michaelmas term was drawing to its close. Buttery and kitchen
-books were adding up their sums total; bursars were preparing for
-battels;[13] witless men were cramming for Collections;[14] scouts and
-bedmakers were looking for tips; and tradesmen were hopelessly expecting
-their little accounts. And, in a few days, Mr. Verdant Green might have
-been seen at the railway station, in company with Mr. Charles Larkyns
-and Mr. Bouncer, setting out for the Manor Green, _viâ_ London--this
-being, as is well known, the most direct route from Oxford to
-Warwickshire.
-
-Mr. Bouncer, who when travelling was never easy in his mind unless Huz
-and Buz were with him in the same carriage, had placed these two
-interesting specimens of the canine species in a small light box,
-partially ventilated by means of holes drilled through the top. But Huz
-and Buz, not much admiring this contracted mode of conveyance, and
-probably suffering from incipient asphyxia, in spite of the admonitory
-kicks against their box, gave way to dismal howls, at the very moment
-when the guard came to look at the tickets.
-
-"Can't allow dogs in here, sir! they must go in the locker," said the
-guard.
-
-"Dogs?" cried Mr. Bouncer, in apparent astonishment: "they're rabbits!"
-
-"Rabbits!" ejaculated the guard, in his turn. "Oh, come, sir! what makes
-rabbits bark?"
-
-"What makes 'em bark? Why, because they've got the pip, poor beggars!"
-replied Mr. Bouncer, promptly. At which the guard graciously laughed,
-and retired; probably thinking that he should, in the end, be a gainer
-if he allowed Huz and Buz to journey in the same first-class carriage
-with their master.
-
-FOOTNOTES:
-
-[12] The rations of bread, butter, and milk, supplied from the buttery.
-The breakfast-giver tells his scout the names of those in-college men
-who are coming to breakfast with him. The scout then collects their
-commons, which thus forms the substratum of the entertainment. The other
-things are of course supplied by the giver of the breakfast, and are
-sent in by the confectioner. As to the knives and forks and crockery,
-the scout produces them from his common stock.
-
-[13] Battels are the accounts of the expenses of each student. It is
-stated in Todd's _Johnson_ that this singular word is derived from the
-Saxon verb, meaning "to count or reckon." But it is stated in the
-_Gentleman's Magazine_ for 1792, that the word may probably be derived
-from the Low-German word _bettahlen_, "to pay," whence may come our
-English word, _tale_ or _score_.
-
-[14] College Terminal Examinations.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER VIII.
-
-MR. VERDANT GREEN SPENDS A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR.
-
-
-Christmas had come; the season of kindness, and hospitality; the season
-when the streams of benevolence flow full in their channels; the season
-when the Honourable Miss Hyems indulges herself with ice, while the
-vulgar Jack Frost regales himself with cold-without. Christmas had come,
-and had brought with it an old fashioned winter; and, as Mr. Verdant
-Green stands with his hands in his pockets, and gazes from the
-drawing-room of his paternal mansion, he looks forth upon a white world.
-
-The snow is everywhere. The shrubs are weighed down by masses of it; the
-terrace is knee-deep in it; the plaster Apollo, in the long-walk, is
-more than knee-deep in it, and is furnished with a surplice and wig,
-like a half-blown Bishop. The distant country looks the very ghost of a
-landscape: the white-walled cottages seem part and parcel of the
-snow-drifts around them,--drifts that take every variety of form, and
-are swept by the wind into faëry wreaths, and fantastic caves. The old
-mill-wheel is locked fast, and gemmed with giant icicles; its slippery
-stairs are more slippery than ever. Golden gorse and purple heather are
-now all of a colour; orchards puts forth blossoms of real snow; the
-gently swelling hills look bright and dazzling in the wintry sun; the
-grey church tower has grown from grey to white; nothing looks black,
-except the swarms of rooks that dot the snowy fields, or make their caws
-(long as any Chancery-suit) to be heard from among the dark branches of
-the stately elms that form the avenue to the Manor-Green.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-It is a rare busy time for the intelligent Mr. Mole the gardener! he is
-always sweeping at that avenue, and, do what he will, he cannot keep it
-clear from snow. As Mr. Verdant Green looks forth upon the white world,
-his gaze is more particularly directed to this avenue, as though the
-form of the intelligent Mr. Mole was an object of interest. From time to
-time Mr. Verdant Green consults his watch in a nervous manner, and is
-utterly indifferent to the appeals of the robin-redbreast who is hopping
-about outside, in expectation of the dinner which has been daily given
-to him.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-Just when the robin, emboldened by hunger, has begun to tap fiercely
-with his bill against the window-pane, as a gentle hint that the
-smallest donations of crumbs of comfort will be thankfully
-received,--Mr. Verdant Green, utterly oblivious of robins in general,
-and of the sharp pecks of this one in particular, takes no notice of the
-little redbreast waiter with the bill, but, slightly colouring up, fixes
-his gaze upon the lodge-gate through which a group of ladies and
-gentlemen are passing. Stepping back for a moment, and stealing a glance
-at himself in the mirror, Mr. Verdant Green hurriedly arranges and
-disarranges his hair--pulls about his collar--ties and unties his
-neck-handkerchief--buttons and then unbuttons his coat--takes another
-look from the window--sees the intelligent Mr. Mole (besom in hand)
-salaaming the party, and then makes a rush for the vestibule, to be at
-the door to receive them.
-
-Let us take a look at them as they come up the avenue. _Place aux
-dames_, is the proper sort of thing; but as there is no rule without its
-exception, and no adage without its counter-proverb, we will give the
-gentlemen the priority of description.
-
-Hale and hearty, the picture of amiability and gentlemanly feeling,
-comes the Rector, Mr. Larkyns, sturdily crunching the frozen snow, which
-has defied all the besom powers of the intelligent Mr. Mole. Here, too,
-is Mr. Charles Larkyns, and, moreover, his friend Henry Bouncer, Esq.,
-who has come to Christmas at the Rectory. Following in their wake is a
-fourth gentleman attired in the costume peculiar to clergymen,
-dissenting ministers, linen-drapers' assistants, and tavern waiters. He
-happens to belong to the first-named section, and is no less a person
-than the Rev. Josiah Meek, B.A., (St. Christopher's Coll., Oxon.)--who,
-for the last three months, has officiated as Mr. Larkyns's curate. He
-appears to be of a peace-loving, lamb-like disposition; and, though
-sportive as a lamb when occasion requires, is yet of timid ways and
-manners. He is timid, too, in voice,--speaking in a feeble treble; he is
-timid, too, in his address,--more particularly as regards females; and
-he has mild-looking whiskers, that are far too timid to assume any
-decided or obtrusive colour, and have fallen back on a generalised
-whitey-brown tint. But, though timid enough in society, he was bold and
-energetic in the discharge of his pastoral duties, and had already won
-the esteem of every one in the parish. So, Verdant had been told, when,
-on his return from college, he had asked his sisters how they liked the
-new curate. They had not only heard of his good deeds, but they had
-witnessed many of them in their visits to the schools and among the
-poor. Mary and Fanny were loud in his praise; and if Helen said but
-little, it was perhaps because she thought the more; for Helen was now
-of the susceptible age of "sweet seventeen," an age that not only feels
-warmly but thinks deeply; and, who shall say what feelings and thoughts
-may be beneath the pure waters of that sea of maidenhood whose surface
-is so still and calm? Love alone can tell:--Love, the bold diver, who
-can cleave that still surface, and bring up into the light of heaven the
-rich treasures that are of Heaven's own creation.
-
-With the four gentlemen come two ladies--young ladies, moreover, who, as
-penny-a-liners say, are "possessed of considerable personal
-attractions." These are the Misses Honeywood, the blooming daughters of
-the rector's only sister; and they have come from the far land of the
-North, and are looking as fresh and sweet as their own heathery hills.
-The roses of health that bloom upon their cheeks have been brought into
-full blow by the keen, sharp breeze; the shepherd's-plaid shawls drawn
-tightly around them give the outline of figures that gently swell into
-the luxuriant line of beauty and grace. Altogether, they are damsels who
-are pleasant to the eye, and very fair to look upon.
-
-Since they had last visited their uncle four years had passed, and, in
-that time, they had shot up to womanhood, although they were not yet out
-of their teens. Their father was a landed proprietor living in north
-Northumberland; and, like other landed proprietors who live under the
-shade of the Cheviots, was rich in his flocks, and his herds, and his
-men-servants and his maid-servants, and his he-asses and his she-asses,
-and was quite a modern patriarch. During the past summer, the rector had
-taken a trip to Northumberland, in order to see his sister, and refresh
-himself with a clergyman's fortnight at Honeywood Hall, and he would not
-leave his sister and her husband until he had extracted from them a
-promise that they would bring down their two eldest daughters and
-Christmas in Warwickshire. This was accordingly agreed to, and, more
-than that, acted upon; and little Mr. Bouncer and his sister Fanny were
-asked to meet them; but, to relieve the rector of a superfluity of lady
-guests, Miss Bouncer's quarters had been removed to the Manor Green.
-
-It was quite an event in the history of our hero and his sisters. Four
-years ago, they, and Kitty and Patty Honeywood, were mere chits, for
-whom dolls had not altogether lost their interest, and who considered it
-as promotion when they sat in the drawing-room on company evenings,
-instead of being shown up at dessert. Four years at this period of life
-makes a vast change in young ladies, and the Green and Honeywood girls
-had so altered since last they met, that they had almost needed a fresh
-introduction to each other. But a day's intimacy made them bosom
-friends; and the Manor Green soon saw such revels as it had not seen for
-many a long year.
-
-Every night there were (in the language of the play-bills of provincial
-theatres) "singing and dancing, with a variety of other entertainments;"
-the "other entertainments" occasionally consisting (as is scandalously
-affirmed) of a very favourite class of entertainment--popular at all
-times, but running mad riot at the Christmas season--wherein two
-performers of either sex take their places beneath a white-berried
-bough, and go through a species of dance, or _pas de fascination_,
-accompanied by mysterious rites and solemnities that have been
-scrupulously observed, and handed down to us, from the earliest age.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-Mr. Verdant Green, during the short--alas! _too_ short--Christmas week,
-had performed more polkas than he had ever danced in his life; and,
-under the charming tuition of Miss Patty Honeywood, was fast becoming a
-proficient in the _valse à deux temps_. As yet, the whirl of the dance
-brought on a corresponding rotatory motion of the brain, that made
-everything swim before his spectacles in a way which will be easily
-understood by all bad travellers who have crossed from Dover to Calais
-with a chopping sea and a gale of wind. But Miss Patty Honeywood was
-both good-natured and persevering: and she allowed our hero to dance on
-her feet without a murmur, and watchfully guided him when his giddy
-vision would have led them into contact with foreign bodies.
-
-It is an old saying, that Gratitude begets Love. Mr. Verdant Green had
-already reached the first part of this dangerous creation, for he felt
-grateful to the pretty Patty for the good-humoured trouble she bestowed
-on the awkwardness, which he now, for the first time, began painfully to
-perceive. But, what his gratitude might end in, he had perhaps never
-taken the trouble to inquire. It was enough to Mr. Verdant Green that he
-enjoyed the present; and, as to the future, he fully followed out the
-Horatian precept--
-
-  Quid sit futurum cras, fuge quærere;
-      ... nec dulces amores
-      Sperne, puer, neque tu choreas.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-It was perhaps ungrateful in our hero to prefer Miss Patty Honeywood to
-Miss Fanny Bouncer, especially when the latter was staying in the house,
-and had been so warmly recommended to his notice by her vivacious
-brother. Especially, too, as there was nothing to be objected to in Miss
-Bouncer, saving the fact that some might have affirmed she was a trifle
-too much inclined to _embonpoint_, and was indeed a bouncer in person as
-well as in name. Especially, too, as Miss Fanny Bouncer was both
-good-humoured and clever, and, besides being mistress of the usual
-young-lady accomplishments, was a clever proficient in the fascinating
-art of photography, and had brought her camera and chemicals, and had
-not only calotyped Mr. Verdant Green, but had made no end of duplicates
-of him, in a manner that was suggestive of the deepest admiration and
-affection. But these sort of likings are not made to rule, and Mr.
-Verdant Green could see Miss Fanny Bouncer approach without betraying
-any of those symptoms of excitement, under the influence of which we had
-the privilege to see him, as he gazed from the window of his paternal
-mansion, and then, on beholding the approaching form of Miss Patty
-Honeywood, rush wildly to the vestibule.
-
-The party had no occasion to ring, for the hall door was already opened
-for them, and Mr. Verdant Green was soon exchanging a delightful
-pressure of the hand with the blooming Patty.
-
-"We were such a formidable party," said that young lady, as she laughed
-merrily, and thereby disclosed to the enraptured gazer a remarkably even
-set of white teeth ("All her own, too!" as little Mr. Bouncer afterwards
-remarked to the enraptured gazer); "we were such a formidable party,"
-said Miss Patty, "that papa and mamma declared they would stay behind at
-the Rectory, and would not join in such a visitation."
-
-Mr. Verdant Green replies, "Oh dear! I am very sorry," and looks
-remarkably delighted--though it certainly may not be at the absence of
-the respected couple; and he then proclaims that everything is ready,
-and that Miss Bouncer and his sisters had found out some capital words.
-
-"What a mysterious communication, Verdant!" remarks the rector, as they
-pass into the house. But the rector is only to be let so far into the
-secret as to be informed that, at the evening party which is to be held
-at the Manor Green that night, a charade or two will be acted, in order
-to diversify the amusements. The Misses Honeywood are great adepts in
-this sort of pastime; so, also, are Miss Bouncer and her brother. For
-although the latter does not shine as a mimic, yet, as he is never
-deserted by his accustomed coolness, he has plenty of the _nonchalance_
-and readiness which is a requisite for charade acting. The Miss
-Honeywoods and Mr. Bouncer have therefore suggested to Mr. Verdant Green
-and his sisters, that to get up a little amateur performance would be
-"great fun;" and the suggestion has met with a warm approval.
-
-The drawing-room at the Manor Green opened by large folding-doors to the
-library; so (as Mr. Bouncer observed to our hero), "there you've got
-your stage and your drop-scene as right as a trivet; and, if you stick a
-lot of candles and lights on each side of the doors in the library,
-there you'll have a regular flare-up that'll show off your venerable
-giglamps no end."
-
-So charades were determined on; and, when words had been hunted up, a
-council of war was called. But, as the ladies and gentlemen hold their
-council with closed doors, we cannot intrude upon them. We must
-therefore wait till the evening, when the result of their deliberations
-will be publicly manifested.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER IX.
-
-MR. VERDANT GREEN MAKES HIS FIRST APPEARANCE ON ANY BOARDS.
-
-
-It is the last night of December. The old year, worn out and spent with
-age, lies a dying, wrapped in sheets of snow.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-A stern stillness reigns around. The steps of men are muffled; no
-echoing footfalls disturb the solemn nature of the time. The little
-runnels weep icy tears. The dark pines hang out their funereal plumes,
-and nod with their weight of snow. The elms have thrown off their green
-robes of joy, and, standing up in gaunt nakedness, wildly toss to heaven
-their imploring arms. The old year lies a dying.
-
-Silently through the snow steal certain carriages to the portals of the
-Manor Green: and, with a ringing of bells and a banging of steps, the
-occupants disappear in a stream of light that issues from the hall door.
-Mr. Green's small sanctum to the right of the hall has been converted
-into a cloak-room, and is fitted up with a ladies'-maid and a
-looking-glass, in a manner not to be remembered by the oldest
-inhabitant.
-
-There the finishing stroke of ravishment is given to the toilette
-disarranged by a long drive through the impeding snow. There Miss
-Parkington (whose papa has lately revived his old school friendship with
-Mr. Green) discovers, to her unspeakable disgust, that the ten mile
-drive through the cold has invested her cheek with purple tints, and
-given to her _retroussé_ (ill-natured people call it "pug") nose a hue
-that mocks
-
-  The turkey's crested fringe.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-There, too, Miss Waters (whose paternities had hitherto only been on
-morning-call terms with the Manor Green people, but had brushed up their
-acquaintance now that there was a son of marriageable years and heir to
-an independent fortune) discovers to her dismay that the joltings
-received during a six-mile drive through snowed-up lanes, have somewhat
-deteriorated the very full-dress aspect of her attire, and considerably
-flattened its former balloon-like dimensions. And there, too, Miss
-Brindle (whose family have been hunted up for the occasion) makes the
-alarming discovery that, in the lurch which their hack-fly had made at
-the cross roads, her brother Alfred's patent boots had not only dragged
-off some yards (more or less) of her flounces, but had also--to use her
-own mystical language--"torn her skirt at the gathers!"
-
-All, however, is put right as far as possible. A warm at the sanctum's
-fire diminishes the purple in Miss Parkington's cheeks; and the maid, by
-some hocus-pocus peculiar to her craft, again inflates Miss Waters into
-a balloon, and stitches up Miss Brindle's flounces and "gathers." The
-ladies join their respective gentlemen, who have been cooling their toes
-and uttering warm anathemas in the hall; and the party sail, arm-in-arm,
-into the drawing-room, and forthwith fall to lively remarks on that
-neutral ground of conversation, the weather.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-Mr. Verdant Green is there, dressed with elaborate magnificence; but he
-continues in a state of listless apathy, and is indifferent to the
-"lively" rattle of the balloon-like Miss Waters, until John the footman
-(who is suffering from influenza) rouses him into animation by the magic
-talisman "Bister, Bissis, an' the Biss 'Oneywoods;" when he beams
-through his spectacles in the most benign and satisfied manner. The
-Misses Honeywood are as blooming as usual: the cold air, instead of
-spoiling their good looks, has but improved their healthy style of
-beauty; and they smile, laugh, and talk in a perfectly easy, unaffected,
-and natural manner. Mr. Verdant Green at once makes his way to Miss
-Patty Honeywood's side, and, gracefully standing beside her, coffee-cup
-in hand, plunges headlong into the depths of a tangled conversation.
-
-Meanwhile, the drawing-room of the Manor Green becomes filled in a way
-that has not been seen for many a long year; and the intelligent Mr.
-Mole, the gardener (who has been impressed as an odd man for the
-occasion, and is served up in a pseudo-livery to make him more
-presentible), sees more "genteel" people than have, for a long time,
-been visible to his naked eye. The intelligent Mr. Mole, when he has
-afterwards been restored to the bosom of Mrs. Mole and his family,
-confides to his equally intelligent helpmate that, in his opinion,
-"Master has guv the party to get husbands for the young ladies"--an
-opinion which, though perhaps not founded on fact so far as it related
-to the party which was the subject of Mr. Mole's remark, would doubtless
-be applicable to many similar parties given under somewhat similar
-circumstances.
-
-It is not improbable that the intelligent Mr. Mole may have based his
-opinion on a circumstance--which, to a gentleman of his sagacity, must
-have carried great weight--namely, that whenever in the course of the
-evening the hall was made the promenade for the loungers and dancers, he
-perceived, firstly, that Miss Green was invariably accompanied by Mr.
-Charles Larkyns; secondly, that the Rev. Josiah Meek kept Miss Helen
-dallying about the wine and lemonade tray much longer than was necessary
-for the mere consumption of the cooling liquids; and thirdly, that Miss
-Fanny, who was a pert, talkative Miss of sixteen, was continually to be
-found there with either Mr. Henry Bouncer or Mr. Alfred Brindle dancing
-attendance upon her. But, be this as it may, the intelligent Mr. Mole
-was impressed with the conviction that Mr. Green had called his young
-friends together as to a matrimonial auction, and that his daughters
-were to be put up without reserve, and knocked down to the highest
-bidder.
-
-All the party have arrived. The weather has been talked over for the
-last time (for the present); a harp, violin, and a cornet-à-piston from
-the county town, influenced by the spirit of gin-and-water, are heard
-discoursing most eloquent music in the dining-room, which has been
-cleared out for the dance. Miss Patty Honeywood, accepting the offer of
-Mr. Verdant Green's arm, swims joyously out of the room; other ladies
-and gentlemen pair, and follow: the ball is opened.
-
-A polka follows the quadrille; and, while the dancers rest awhile from
-their exertions, or crowd around the piano in the drawing-room to hear
-the balloon-like Miss Waters play a firework piece of music, in which
-execution takes the place of melody, and chromatic scales are discharged
-from her fingers like showers of rockets, Mr. Verdant Green mysteriously
-weeds out certain members of the party, and vanishes with them upstairs.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-When Miss Waters has discharged all her fireworks, and has descended
-from the throne of her music-stool, a set of Lancers is formed; and,
-while the usual mistakes are being made in the figures, the dancers
-find a fruitful subject of conversation in surmises that a charade
-is going to be acted. The surmise proves to be correct; for when
-the set has been brought to an end with that peculiar in-and-out
-tum-tum-tiddle-iddle-tum-tum-tum movement which characterises the last
-figure of _Les Lanciers_, the trippers on the light fantastic toe are
-requested to assemble in the drawing-room, where the chairs and couches
-have been pulled up to face the folding doors that lead into the
-library. Mr. Verdant Green appears; and, after announcing that the word
-to be acted will be one of three syllables, and that each syllable will
-be represented by itself, and that then the complete word will be given,
-throws open the folding doors for
-
-SCENE I. _Syllable_ 1.--Enter the Miss Honeywoods, dressed in
-fashionable bonnets and shawls. They are shown in by a footman (Mr.
-Bouncer) attired in a peculiarly ingenious and effective livery, made by
-pulling up the trousers to the knee, and wearing the dress-coat inside
-out, so as to display the crimson silk linings of the sleeves: the
-effect of Mr. Bouncer's appearance is considerably heightened by a
-judicious outlay of flour sprinkled over his hair. Mr. Bouncer (as
-footman) gives the ladies chairs, and inquires, "What name shall I be
-pleased to say, mem?" Miss Patty answers in a languid and fashionable
-voice, "The Ladies Louisa and Arabella Mountfidget." Mr. Bouncer
-evaporates with a low bow, leaving the ladies to play with their
-parasols, and converse. Lady Arabella (Miss Patty) then expresses a
-devout wish that Lady Trotter (wife of Sir Lambkin Trotter, Bart.), in
-whose house they are supposed to be, will not keep them waiting as long
-as she detained her aunt, Lady Bellwether, when the poor old lady fell
-asleep from sheer fatigue, and was found snoring on the sofa. Lady
-Louisa then falls to an inspection of the card-tray, and reads the
-paste-boards of some high-sounding titles not to be found in Debrett,
-and expresses wonder as to where Lady Trotter can have picked up the
-Duchess of Ditchwater's card, as she (Lady Louisa) is morally convinced
-that her Grace can never have condescended to have even sent in her card
-by a footman. Becoming impatient at the non-appearance of Lady Trotter,
-Miss Patty Honeywood then rings the bell, and, with much asperity of
-manner, inquires of Mr. Bouncer (as footman) if Lady Trotter is informed
-that the Ladies Louisa and Arabella Mountfidget are waiting to see her?
-Mr. Bouncer replies, with a footman's bow, and a footman's
-_h_exasperation of his h's, "Me lady is hawcer hof your ladyships'
-visit; but me lady is at present hunable to happear: me lady, 'owever,
-has give me a message, which she hasks me to deliver to your ladyships."
-"Then why don't you deliver it at once," says Miss Patty, "and not
-waste the valuable time of the Ladies Louisa and Arabella Mountfidget?
-What _is_ the message?" "Me lady," replies Mr. Bouncer, "requests me to
-present her compliments to your ladyships, and begs me to hinform you
-that me lady is a cleaning of herself!" Amid great laughter from the
-audience, the Ladies Mountfidget toss their heads and flutter grandly
-out of the room, followed by the floured footman; while Mr. Verdant
-Green, unseen by those in front, pushes-to the folding doors, to show
-that the first syllable is performed.
-
-Praises of the acting, and guesses at the word, agreeably fill up the
-time till the next scene. The Revd Josiah Meek, who is not much used to
-charades, confides to Miss Helen Green that he surmises the word to be,
-either "visitor" or "impudence" but, as the only ground to this surmise
-rests on these two words being words of three syllables, Miss Helen
-gently repels the idea, and sagely observes "we shall see more in the
-next scene."
-
-SCENE II. _Syllable_ 2.--The folding-doors open, and discover Mr.
-Verdant Green, as a sick gentleman, lying on a sofa, in a dressing-gown,
-with pillows under his head, and Miss Patty Honeywood in attendance upon
-him. A table, covered with glasses and medicine bottles, is drawn up to
-the sufferer's couch in an inviting manner. Miss Patty informs the
-sufferer that the time is come for him to take his draught. The sufferer
-groans in a dismal manner, and says, "Oh! is it, my dear?" She replies,
-"Yes! you must take it now;" and sternly pours some sherry wine out of
-the medicine bottle into a cup. The sufferer makes piteous faces, and
-exclaims, "It is so nasty, I can't take it, my love!" (It is to be
-observed that Mr. Verdant Green, skilfully taking advantage of the
-circumstance that Miss Patty Honeywood is supposed to represent the wife
-of the sufferer, plentifully besprinkles his conversation with endearing
-epithets.) When, after much persuasion and groaning, the sufferer has
-been induced to take his medicine, his spouse announces the arrival of
-the doctor; when, enter Mr. Bouncer, still floured as to his head, but
-wearing spectacles, a long black coat, and a shirt-frill, and having his
-dress otherwise altered so as to represent a medical man of the old
-school. The doctor asks what sort of a night his patient has had,
-inspects his tongue with professional gravity, feels his pulse, looks at
-his watch, and mysteriously shakes his head. He then commences thrusting
-and poking Mr. Verdant Green in various parts of his body,--after the
-manner of doctors with their victims, and farmers with their
-beasts,--enquiring between each poke, "Does that hurt you?" and being
-answered by a convulsive "Oh!" and a groan of agony. The doctor then
-prescribes a draught to be taken every half-hour, with the pills and
-blister at bed-time; and, after covering his two fellow-actors with
-confusion, by observing that he leaves his patient in admirable hands,
-and, that in an affection of the heart, the application of lip-salve and
-warm treatment will give a decided tone to the system, and produce
-soothing and grateful emotions--takes his leave; and the folding-doors
-are closed on the blushes of Miss Patty Honeywood, and Mr. Verdant
-Green.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-More applause: more agreeable conversation: more ingenious speculations.
-The Revd. Josiah Meek is now of opinion that the word is either
-"medicine" or "suffering." Miss Helen still sagely observes, "we shall
-see more in the next scene."
-
-SCENE III. _Syllable_ 3.--Mr. Verdant Green discovered sitting at a
-table furnished with pens and ink, books, and rolls of paper. Mr.
-Verdant Green wears on his head a Chelsea pensioner's cocked-hat (the
-"property" of the Family,--as Mr. Footelights would have said), folded
-into a shovel shape; and is supposed to accurately represent the outside
-of a London publisher. To him enter Mr. Bouncer--the flour off his
-head--coat buttoned tightly to the throat, no visible linen, and wearing
-in his face and appearance generally, "the garb of humility." Says the
-publisher "Now, sir, please to state your business, and be quick about
-it: I am much engaged in looking over for the press a work of a
-distinguished author, which I am just about to publish." Meekly replies
-the other, as he holds under his arm an immense paper packet: "It is
-about a work of my own, sir, that I have now ventured to intrude upon
-you. I have here, sir, a small manuscript," (producing his roll of a
-book), "which I am ambitious to see given to the world through the
-medium of your printing establishment." To him, the Publisher--"Already
-am I inundated with manuscripts on all possible subjects, and cannot
-undertake to look at any more for some time to come. What is the nature
-of your manuscript?" Meekly replies the other--"The theme of my work,
-sir, is a History of England before the Flood. The subject is both new
-and interesting. It is to be presumed that our beloved country existed
-before the Flood: if so, it must have had a history. I have therefore
-endeavoured to fill up what is lacking in the annals of our land, by a
-record of its antediluvian state, adapted to the meanest comprehension,
-and founded on the most baseless facts. I am desirous, sir, to see
-myself in print. I should like my work, sir, to appear in large letters;
-in very large letters, sir. Indeed, sir, it would give me joy, if you
-would condescend to print it altogether in capital letters: my _magnum
-opus_ might then be called with truth, a capital work." To him, the
-Publisher--"Much certainly depends on the character of the printing."
-Meekly the author--"Indeed, sir, it does. A great book, sir, should be
-printed in great letters. If you will permit me, I will show you the
-size of the letters in which I should wish my book to be printed." Mr.
-Bouncer then points out in some books on the table, the printing he most
-admires; and, beseeching the Publisher to read over his manuscript, and
-think favourably of his History of England before the Flood, makes his
-bow to Mr. Verdant Green and the Chelsea pensioner's cocked hat.
-
-More applause, and speculations. The Revd. Josiah Meek confident that he
-has discovered the word. It must be either "publisher" or "authorship."
-Miss Helen still sage.
-
-SCENE IV. _The Word._--Miss Bouncer discovered with her camera,
-arranging her photographic chemicals. She soliloquises. "There! now, all
-is ready for my sitter." She calls the footman (Mr. Verdant Green), and
-says, "John, you may show the Lady Fitz-Canute upstairs." The footman
-shows in Miss Honeywood, dressed in an antiquated bonnet and mantle,
-waving a huge fan. John gives her a chair, into which she drops,
-exclaiming, "What an insufferable toil it is to ascend to these elevated
-Photographic rooms;" and makes good use of her fan. Miss Bouncer then
-fixes the focus of her camera, and begs the Lady Fitz-Canute to sit
-perfectly still, and to call up an agreeable smile to her face. Miss
-Honeywood thereupon disposes her face in ludicrous "wreathed smiles;"
-and Miss Bouncer's head disappears under the velvet hood of the camera.
-"I am afraid," at length says Miss Bouncer, "I am afraid that I shall
-not be able to succeed in taking a likeness of your ladyship this
-morning." "And why, pray?" asks her ladyship with haughty surprise.
-"Because it is a gloomy day," replies the Photographer, "and much
-depends upon the rays of light." "Then procure the rays of light!" "That
-is more than I can do." "Indeed! I suppose if the Lady Fitz-Canute
-wishes for the rays of light, and condescends to pay for the rays of
-light, she can obtain the rays of light." Miss Bouncer considers this
-too _exigeant_, and puts her sitter off by promising to complete a most
-fascinating portrait of her on some more favourable day. Lady
-Fitz-Canute appears to be somewhat mollified at this, and is graciously
-pleased to observe, "Then I will undergo the fatigue of ascending to
-these elevated Photographic-rooms at some future period. But, mind, when
-I next come, that you procure the rays of light!" So she is shown out by
-Mr. Verdant Green, and the folding-doors are closed amid applause, and
-the audience distract themselves with guesses as to the word.
-
-"Photograph" is a general favourite, but is found not to agree with the
-three first scenes, although much ingenuity is expended in endeavouring
-to make them fit the word. The Curate makes a headlong rush at the word
-"Daguerreotype," and is confident that he has solved the problem, until
-he is informed that it is a word of more than three syllables. Charles
-Larkyns has already whispered the word to Mary Green; but they keep
-their discovery to themselves. At length, the Revd. Josiah Meek, in a
-moment of inspiration, hits upon the word, and proclaims it to be
-CALOTYPE ("Call--oh!--type;") upon which Mr. Alfred Brindle declares to
-Miss Fanny Green that he had fancied it must be that, all along, and, in
-fact, was just on the point of saying it: and the actors, coming in in a
-body, receive the violet-crowns and laurel-wreaths of praise as the meed
-of their exertions. Perhaps, the Miss Honeywoods and Mr. Bouncer
-receive larger crowns than the others, but Mr. Verdant Green gets his
-due share, and is fully satisfied with his first appearance on "the
-boards."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-Dancing then succeeds, varied by songs from the young ladies, and
-discharges of chromatic fireworks from the fingers of Miss Waters, for
-whom Charles Larkyns does the polite, in turning over the leaves of her
-music. Then some carol-singers come to the Hall-door, and the bells of
-the church proclaim, in joyful peals, the birth of the New Year;--a new
-year of hopes, and joys, and cares, and griefs, and unions, and
-partings;--a new year of which, who then present shall see the end? who
-shall be there to welcome in its successor? who shall be absent, laid in
-the secret places of the earth? Ah, _who_? For, even in the midst of
-revelry and youth, the joy-peals of those old church bells can strike
-the key-note of a wail of grief.
-
-Another charade follows, in which new actors join. Then comes a merry
-supper, in which Mr. Alfred Brindle, in order to give himself courage to
-appear in the next charade, takes more champagne than is good for him;
-in which, too (probably, from similar champagney reasons), Miss
-Parkington's unfortunately self-willed nose again assumes a more roseate
-hue than is becoming to a maiden; in which, too, Mr. Verdant Green being
-called upon to return thanks for "the ladies"--(toast, proposed in
-eloquent terms by H. Bouncer, Esq., and drunk "with the usual
-honours,")--is so alarmed at finding himself upon his legs, that his
-ideas altogether vanish, and in great confusion of utterance, he
-observes,--"I--I--ladies and gentlemen--feel--I--I--a--feel--assure
-you--grattered and flattified--I mean, flattered and gratified--being
-called on--return thanks--I--I--a--the ladies--give a larm to chife--I
-mean, charm to life--(_applause_)--and--a--a--grace by their
-table this presence,--I mean--a--a--(_applause_),--and joytened our
-eye--I mean, heighted our joy, to-night--(_applause_),--in their
-name--thanks--honour." Mr. Verdant Green takes advantage of the applause
-which follows these incoherent remarks, and sits down, covered with
-confusion, but thankful that the struggle is over.
-
-More dancing follows. Our hero performs prodigies in the _valse à deux
-temps_, and twirls about until he has not a leg left to stand upon. The
-harp, the violin, and the cornet-à-piston, from the county-town, play
-mechanically in their sleep, and can only be roused by repeated
-applications of gin-and-water. Carriages are ordered round: wraps are in
-requisition: the mysterious rites under the white-berried bush are
-stealthily repeated for the last time: the guests depart, as it were, in
-a heap; the Rectory party being the last to leave. The intelligent Mr.
-Mole, who has fuddled himself by an injudicious mixture of the
-half-glasses of wine left on the supper-table, is exasperated with the
-butler for not allowing him to assist in putting away the silver; and
-declares that he (the butler) is "a hold himage," for which, he (the
-intelligent Mr. M.), "don't care a button!" and, as the epithet "image"
-appears to wondrously offend the butler, Mr. Mole is removed from
-further consequences by his intelligent wife, who is waiting to conduct
-her lord and master home.
-
-At length, the last light is out in the Manor-Green. Mr. Verdant Green
-is lying uncomfortably upon his back, and is waltzing through Dreamland
-with the blooming Patty Honeywood.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER X.
-
-MR. VERDANT GREEN ENJOYS A REAL CIGAR.
-
-
-The Christmas vacation passed rapidly away; the Honeywood family
-returned to the far north; and, once more, Mr. Verdant Green found
-himself within the walls of Brazenface. He and Mr. Bouncer had together
-gone up to Oxford, leaving Charles Larkyns behind to keep a grace-term.
-
-Charles Larkyns had determined to take a good degree. For some time
-past, he had been reading steadily; and, though only a few hours in each
-day may be given to books--yet, when that is done, with regularity and
-painstaking, a real and sensible progress is made. He knew that he had
-good abilities, and he had determined not to let them remain idle any
-longer, but to make that use of them for which they were given to him.
-His examination would come on during the next term; and he hoped to turn
-the interval to good account, and be able in the end to take a
-respectable degree. He was destined for the Bar; and, as he had no wish
-to be a briefless Barrister, he knew that college honours would be of
-great advantage to him in his after career. He, at once, therefore, set
-bodily to work to read up his subjects; while his father assisted him in
-his labours, and Mary Green smiled a kind approval.
-
-Meanwhile, his friends, Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Henry Bouncer, were
-enjoying Oxford life, and disporting themselves among the crowd of
-skaters in the Christ Church meadows. And a very different scene did the
-meadows present to the time when they had last skimmed over its surface.
-Then, the green fields were covered with sailing-boats, out-riggers, and
-punts, and Mr. Verdant Green had nearly come to an untimely end in the
-waters. But now the scene was changed! Jack Frost had stepped in, and
-had seized the flood in his frozen fingers, and had bound it up in an
-icy breast-plate.
-
-And a capital place did the meadows make for any Undergraduate who was
-either a professed skater, or whose skating education (as in the case of
-our hero) had been altogether neglected. For the water was only of a
-moderate depth; so that, in the event of the ice giving way, there was
-nothing to fear beyond a slight and partial ducking. This was
-especially fortunate for Mr. Verdant Green, who, after having
-experienced total submersion and a narrow escape from drowning on that
-very spot, would never have been induced to again commit himself to the
-surface of the deep, had he not been fully convinced that the deep had
-now subsided into a shallow. With his breast fortified by this
-resolution, he therefore fell a victim to the syren tongue of Mr.
-Bouncer, when that gentleman observed to him with sincere feeling,
-"Giglamps, old fellow! it would be a beastly shame, when there's such
-jolly ice, if you did not learn to skate; especially, as I can show you
-the trick."
-
-For, Mr. Bouncer was not only skilful with his hands and arms, but could
-also perform feats with his feet. He could not only dance quadrilles in
-dress boots in a ball-room, but he could also go through the figures on
-the ice in a pair of skates. He could do the outside edge at a more
-acute angle than the generality of people; he could cut figures of eight
-that were worthy of Cocker himself, he could display spread-eagles that
-would have astonished the Fellows of the Zoological Society. He could
-skim over the thinnest ice in the most don't-care way; and, when
-at full speed, would stoop to pick up a stone. He would take a
-hop-skip-and-a-jump; and would vault over walking-sticks, as easily as
-if he were on dry land,--an accomplishment which he had learnt of the
-Count Doembrownski, a Russian gentleman, who, in his own country, lived
-chiefly on skates, and, in this country, on pigeons, and whose short
-residence in Oxford was suddenly brought to a full stop by the arbitrary
-power of the Vice-Chancellor. So, Mr. Verdant Green was persuaded to
-purchase, and put on a pair of skates, and to make his first appearance
-as a skater in the Christ Church meadows, under the auspices of Mr.
-Bouncer.
-
-The sensation of first finding yourself in a pair of skates is peculiar.
-It is not unlike the sensation which must have been felt by the young
-bear, when he was dropped from his mamma's mouth, and, for the first
-time, told to walk. The poor little bear felt, that it was all very well
-to say "walk,"--but how was he to do it? Was he to walk with his right
-fore-leg only? or, with his left fore-leg? or, with both his fore-legs?
-or, was he to walk with his right hind-leg? or, with his left hind-leg?
-or, with both his hind-legs? or, was he to make a combination of hind
-and fore-legs, and walk with all four at once? or, what was he to do? So
-he tried each of these ways; and they all failed. Poor little bear!
-
-[Illustration]
-
-Mr. Verdant Green felt very much in the little bear's condition. He was
-undecided whether to skate with his right leg, or with his left leg, or
-with both his legs. He tried his right leg, and immediately it glided
-off at right angles with his body, while his left leg performed a
-similar and spontaneous movement in the contrary direction. Having
-captured his left leg, he put it cautiously forwards, and immediately it
-twisted under him, while his right leg amused itself by describing an
-altogether unnecessary circle. Obtaining a brief mastery over both legs,
-he put them forwards at the same moment, and they fled from beneath him,
-and he was flung--bump!--on his back. Poor little bear!
-
-But, if it is hard to make a start in a pair of skates when you are in a
-perpendicular position, how much is the difficulty increased when your
-position has become a horizontal one! You raise yourself on your
-knees,--you assist yourself with your hands,--and, no sooner have you
-got one leg right, than away slides the other, and down you go. It is
-like the movement in that scene with the pair of short stilts, in which
-the French clowns are so amusing, and it is almost as difficult to
-perform. Mr. Verdant Green soon found that though he might be ambitious
-to excel in the polite accomplishment of skating, yet that his ambition
-was destined to meet with many a fall. But he persevered, and
-perseverance will achieve wonders, especially when aided by the tuition
-of such an indefatigable gentleman as Mr. Bouncer.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-"You get on stunningly, Giglamps," said the little gentleman, "and
-hav'nt been on your beam ends more than once a minute. But I should
-advise you, old fellow, to get your sit-upons seated with
-wash-leather,--just like the eleventh hussars do with their
-cherry-coloured pants. It'll come cheaper in the end, and may be
-productive of comfort. And now, after all these exciting ups and downs,
-let us go and have a quiet hand at billiards." So the two friends
-strolled up the High, where they saw two Queensmen "confessing their
-shame," as Mr. Bouncer phrased it, by standing under the gateway of
-their college; and went on to Bickerton's, where they found all the
-tables occupied, and Jonathan playing a match with Mr. Fluke of
-Christchurch. So, after watching the celebrated marker long enough to
-inspire them with a desire to accomplish similar feats of dexterity,
-they continued their walk to Broad Street, and, turning up a yard
-opposite to the Clarendon, found that Betteris had an upstair room at
-liberty. Here they accomplished several pleasing mathematical problems
-with the balls, and contributed their modicum towards the smoking of the
-ceiling of the room.
-
-Since Mr. Verdant Green had acquired the art of getting through a cigar
-without making himself ill, he had looked upon himself as a genuine
-smoker; and had, from time to time, bragged of his powers as regarded
-the fumigation of "the herb Nicotiana, commonly called tobacco," (as the
-Oxford statute tersely says). This was an amiable weakness on his part
-that had not escaped the observant eye of Mr. Bouncer, who had
-frequently taken occasion, in the presence of his friends, to defer to
-Mr. Verdant Green's judgment in the matter of cigars. The train of
-adulation being thus laid, an opportunity was only needed to fire it. It
-soon came.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-"Once upon a time," as the story-books say, it chanced that Mr. Bouncer
-was consuming his minutes and cigars at his tobacconist's, when his eye
-lighted for the thousandth time on the roll of cabbage-leaves, brown
-paper, and refuse tobacco, which being done up into the form of a
-monster cigar (a foot long, and of proportionate thickness), was hung in
-the shop-window, and did duty as a truthful token of the commodity
-vended within. Mr. Bouncer had looked at this implement nine hundred
-and ninety nine times, without its suggesting anything else to his
-mind, than its being of the same class of art as the monster
-mis-representations outside wild-beast shows; but he now gazed upon it
-with new sensations. In short, Mr. Bouncer took such a fancy to the
-thing, that he purchased it, and took it off to his rooms,--though he
-did not mention this fact to his friend, Mr. Verdant Green, when he saw
-him soon afterwards, and spoke to him of his excellent judgment in
-tobacco.
-
-"A taste for smoke comes natural, Giglamps!" said Mr. Bouncer. "It's
-what you call a _nascitur non fit_; and, if you haven't the gift, why
-you can't purchase it. Now, you're a judge of smoke; it's a gift with
-you, don't you see; and you could no more help knowing a good weed from
-a bad one, than you could help waggling your tail if you were a
-baa-lamb."
-
-Mr. Verdant Green bowed, and blushed, in acknowledgment of this
-delightful flattery.
-
-"Now, there's old Footelights, you know; he's got an uncle, who's a
-governor, or some great swell, out in Barbadoes. Well, every now and
-then the old trump sends Footelights no end of a box of weeds; not
-common ones, you understand, but regular tip-toppers; but they're quite
-thrown away on poor Footelights, who'd think as much of cabbage-leaves
-as he would of real Havannahs, so he's always obliged to ask somebody
-else's opinion about them. Well, he's got a sample of a weed of a most
-terrific kind:--_Magnifico Pomposo_ is the name;--no end uncommon, and
-at least a foot long. We don't meet with 'em in England because they're
-too expensive to import. Well, it would'nt do to throw away such a weed
-as this on any one; so, Footelights wants to have the opinion of a man
-who's really a judge of what a good weed is. I refused, because my taste
-has been rather out of order lately; and Billy Blades is in training for
-Henley, so he's obliged to decline; so I told him of you, Giglamps, and
-said, that if there was a man in Brazenface that could tell him what his
-Magnifico Pomposo was worth, that man was Verdant Green. Don't blush,
-old feller! you can't help having a fine judgment, you know; so don't be
-ashamed of it. Now, you must wine with me this evening; Footelights and
-some more men are coming; and we're all anxious to hear your opinion
-about these new weeds, because, if it's favourable we can club together,
-and import a box." Mr. Bouncer's victim, being perfectly unconscious of
-the trap laid for him, promised to come to the wine, and give his
-opinion on this weed of fabled size and merit.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-When the evening and company had come, he was rather staggered at
-beholding the dimensions of the pseudo-cigar; but, rashly judging that
-to express surprise would be to betray ignorance, Mr. Verdant Green
-inspected the formidable monster with the air of a connoisseur, and
-smelt, pinched, and rolled his tongue round it, after the manner of the
-best critics. If this was a diverting spectacle to the assembled guests
-of Mr. Bouncer, how must the humour of the scene have been increased,
-when our hero, with great difficulty, lighted the cigar, and, with still
-greater difficulty, held it in his mouth, and endeavoured to smoke it!
-As Mr. Foote afterwards observed, "it was a situation for a screaming
-farce."
-
-"It doesn't draw well!" faltered the victim, as the bundle of rubbish
-went out for the fourth time.
-
-"Why, that's always the case with the Barbadoes baccy!" said Mr. Bouncer;
-"it takes a long pull, and a strong pull, and a pull all together to get
-it to make a start; but when once it does go, it goes beautiful--like a
-house a-fire. But you can't expect it to be like a common threepenny
-weed. Here! let me light him for you, Giglamps; I'll give the beggar a
-dig in his ribs, as a gentle persuader." Mr. Bouncer thereupon poked
-his pen-knife through the rubbish, and after a time induced it to
-"draw;" and Mr. Verdant Green pulled at it furiously, and made his eyes
-water with the unusual cloud of smoke that he raised.
-
-"And now, what d'ye think of it, my beauty?" inquired Mr. Bouncer. "It's
-something out of the common, ain't it?"
-
-"It has a beautiful ash!" observed Mr. Smalls.
-
-"And diffuses an aroma that makes me long to defy the trainer, and smoke
-one like it!" said Mr. Blades.
-
-"So pray give me your reading--at least, your opinion,--on my Magnifico
-Pomposo!" asked Mr. Foote.
-
-"Well," answered Mr. Verdant Green, slowly--turning very pale as he
-spoke,--"at first, I thought it was be-yew-tiful; but, altogether, I
-think--that--the Barbadoes tobacco--doesn't quite--agree with--my
-stom--" the speaker abruptly concluded by dropping the cigar, putting
-his handkerchief to his mouth, and rushing into Mr. Bouncer's bedroom.
-The Magnifico Pomposo had been too much for him, and had produced
-sensations accurately interpreted by Mr. Bouncer, who forthwith
-represented in expressive pantomine, the actions of a distressed
-voyager, when he feebly murmurs "Steward!"
-
-[Illustration]
-
-To atone for the "chaffing" which he had been the means of inflicting on
-his friend, the little gentleman, a few days afterwards, proposed to
-take our hero to the Chipping Norton Steeple-chase,--Mr. Smalls and Mr.
-Fosbrooke making up the quartet for a tandem. It was on their return
-from the races, that, after having stopped at _The Bear_ at Woodstock,
-"to wash out the horses' mouths," and having done this so effectually
-that the horses had appeared to have no mouths left, and had refused to
-answer the reins, and had smashed the cart against a house, which had
-seemed to have danced into the middle of the road for their
-diversion,--and, after having put back to _The Bear_, and prevailed upon
-that animal to lend them a non-descript vehicle of the "pre-adamite
-buggy" species, described by Sidney Smith,--that, much time having been
-consumed by the progress of this chapter of accidents, they did not
-reach Peyman's Gate until a late hour; and Mr. Verdant Green found that
-he was once more in difficulties. For they had no sooner got through the
-gate, than the wild octaves from Mr. Bouncer's post-horn were suddenly
-brought to a full stop, and Mr. Fosbrooke, who was the "waggoner," was
-brought to Woh! and was compelled to pull up in obedience to the command
-of the proctor, who, as on a previous occasion, suddenly appeared from
-behind the toll-house, in company with his marshall and bull-dogs.
-
-The Sentence pronounced on our hero the next day, was, "Sir!--You will
-translate all your lectures; have your name crossed on the buttery and
-kitchen books; and be confined to chapel, hall, and college."
-
-This sentence was chiefly annoying, inasmuch as it somewhat interfered
-with the duties and pleasures attendant upon his boating practice. For,
-wonderful to relate, Mr. Verdant Green had so much improved in the
-science, that he was now "Number 3" of his college "Torpid," and was in
-hard training. The Torpid races commenced on March 10th, and were
-continued on the following days. Our hero sent his father a copy of
-"_Tintinnabulum's Life_," which--after informing the Manor Green family
-that "the boats took up positions in the following order: Brazenose,
-Exeter 1, Wadham, Balliol, St. John's, Pembroke, University, Oriel,
-Brazenface, Christ Church 1, Worcester, Jesus, Queen's, Christ Church 2,
-Exeter 2"--proceeded to enter into particulars of each day's sport, of
-which it is only necessary to record such as gave interest to our hero's
-family.
-
-"First day. * * * Brazenface refused to acknowledge the bump by Christ
-Church (1) before they came to the Cherwell. There is very little doubt
-but that they were bumped at the Gut and the Willows. * * *
-
-"Second day. * * * Brazenface rowed pluckily away from Worcester. * * *
-
-"Third day. * * * A splendid race between Brazenface and Worcester; and,
-at the flag, the latter were within a foot; they did not, however,
-succeed in bumping. The cheering from the Brazenface barge was
-vociferous. * * *
-
-"Fourth day. * * * Worcester was more fortunate, and succeeded in making
-the bump at the Cherwell, in consequence of No. 3 of the Brazenface boat
-fainting from fatigue."
-
-Under "No. 3" Mr. Verdant Green had drawn a pencil line, and had written
-"V. G." He shortly after related to his family the gloomy particulars of
-the bump, when he returned home for the Easter vacation.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER XI.
-
-MR. VERDANT GREEN GETS THROUGH HIS SMALLS.
-
-
-Despite the hindrance which the _grande passion_ is supposed to bring to
-the student, Charles Larkyns had made very good use of the opportunities
-afforded him by the leisure of his grace-term. Indeed, as he himself
-observed,
-
-  "Who hath not owned, with rapture-smitten frame,
-  The power of _grace_?"
-
-And as he felt that the hours of his grace-term had not been wasted in
-idleness, but had been turned to profitable account, it is not at all
-unlikely that his pleasures of hope regarding his Degree-examination,
-and the position his name would occupy in the Class-list, were of a
-roseate hue. He therefore, when the Easter vacation had come to an end,
-returned to Oxford in high spirits, with our hero and his friend Mr.
-Bouncer, who, after a brief visit to "the Mum," had passed the remainder
-of the vacation at the Manor Green. During these few holiday weeks,
-Charles Larkyns had acted as private tutor to his two friends, and had,
-in the language of Mr. Bouncer, "put them through their paces uncommon;"
-for the little gentleman was going in for his Degree, _alias_ Great-go,
-_alias_ Greats; and our hero for his first examination _in literis
-humanioribus_, _alias_ Responsions, _alias_ Little-go, _alias_ Smalls.
-Thus the friends returned to Oxford mutually benefited; but, as the time
-for examination drew nearer and still nearer, the fears of Mr. Bouncer
-rose in a gradation of terrors, that threatened to culminate in an
-actual panic.
-
-"You see," said the little gentleman, "the Mum's set her heart on my
-getting through, and I must read like the doose. And I havn't got the
-head, you see, for Latin and Greek; and that beastly Euclid altogether
-stumps me; and I feel as though I should come to grief. I'm blowed," the
-little gentleman would cry, earnestly and sadly, "I'm blow'd if I don't
-think they must have given me too much pap when I was a babby, and
-softened my brains! or else, why can't I walk into these classical
-parties just as easy as you, Charley, or old Giglamps there? But I
-can't, you see: my brains are addled. They say it ain't a bad thing for
-reading to get your head shaved. It cools your brains, and gives full
-play to what you call your intellectual faculties. I think I shall try
-the dodge, and get a gent's real head of hair, till after the exam.; and
-then, when I've stumped the examiners, I can wear my own luxuriant locks
-again."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-And, as Mr. Bouncer professed, so did he; and, not many days after,
-astonished his friends and the University generally by appearing in a
-wig of curly black hair. It was a pleasing sight to see the little
-gentleman with a scalp like a billiard ball, a pipe in his mouth, and
-the wig mounted on a block, with books spread before him, endeavouring
-to persuade himself that he was working up his subjects. It was still
-more pleasing to view him, in moments of hilarity, divest himself of his
-wig, and hurl it at the scout, or any other offensive object that
-appeared before him. And it was a sight not to be forgotten by the
-beholders, when, after too recklessly partaking of an indiscriminate
-mixture of egg-flip, sangarce, and cider-cup, he feebly threw his wig at
-the spectacles of Mr. Verdant Green, and, overbalanced by the exertion,
-fell back into the coal-scuttle, where he lay, bald-headed and
-helpless, laughing and weeping by turns, and caressed by Huz and Buz.
-
-But the shaving of his head was not the only feature (or, rather, loss
-of feature) that distinguished Mr. Bouncer's reading for his degree. The
-gentleman with the limited knowledge of the cornet-à-piston, who had the
-rooms immediately beneath those of our hero and his friend, had made
-such slow progress in his musical education, that he had even now
-scarcely got into his "Cottage near a Wood." This gentleman was Mr.
-Bouncer's Frankenstein. He was always rising up when he was not wanted.
-When Mr. Bouncer felt as if he could read, and sat down to his books,
-wigless and determined, the doleful legend of the cottage near a wood
-was forced upon him in an unpleasingly obtrusive and distracting manner.
-It was in vain that Mr. Bouncer sounded his octaves in all their
-discordant variations; the gentleman had no ear, and was not to be put
-out of his cottage on any terms; Mr. Bouncer's notices of ejectment were
-always disregarded. He had hoped that the ears of Mr. Slowcoach (whose
-rooms were in the angle of the Quad) would have been pierced by the
-noise, and that he would have put a stop to the nuisance; but, either
-from its being too customary a custom, or that the ears of Mr. Slowcoach
-had grown callous, the nuisance was suffered to continue unreproved.
-
-Mr. Bouncer resolved, therefore, on some desperate method of calling
-attention to one nuisance, by creating another of a louder description;
-and, as his octaves appeared to fail in this,--notwithstanding the
-energy and annoying ability that he threw into them,--he conceived the
-idea of setting up a drum! The plan was no sooner thought of than
-carried out. He met with an instrument sufficiently large and formidable
-for his purpose,--hired it, and had it stealthily conveyed into college
-(like another Falstaff) in a linen "buck-basket." He waited his
-opportunity; and, the next time that the gentleman in the rooms beneath
-took his cornet to his cottage near a wood, Mr. Bouncer, stationed on
-the landing above, played a thundering accompaniment on his big drum.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-The echoes from the tightened parchment rolled round the Quad, and
-brought to the spot a rush of curious and excited undergraduates. Mr.
-Bouncer,--after taking off his wig in honour of the air,--then treated
-them to the National Anthem, arranged as a drum solo for two sticks, the
-chorus being sustained by the voices of those present; when in the midst
-of the entertainment, the reproachful features of Mr. Slowcoach
-appeared upon the scene. Sternly the tutor demanded the reason of the
-strange hubbub; and was answered by Mr. Bouncer, that, as one gentleman
-was allowed to play _his_ favourite instrument whenever he chose, for
-_his_ own but no one else's gratification, he could not see why he (Mr.
-Bouncer) might not also, whenever he pleased, play for his own
-gratification his favourite instrument--the big drum. This specious
-excuse, although logical, was not altogether satisfactory to Mr.
-Slowcoach; and, with some asperity, he ordered Mr. Bouncer never again
-to indulge in, what he termed (in reference probably to the little
-gentleman's bald head), "such an indecent exhibition." But, as he
-further ordered that the cornet-à-piston gentleman was to instrumentally
-enter into his cottage near a wood, only at stated hours in the
-afternoon, Mr. Bouncer had gained his point in putting a stop to the
-nuisance so far as it interfered with his reading; and, thenceforth, he
-might be seen on brief occasions persuading himself that he was
-furiously reading and getting up his subjects by the aid of those royal
-roads to knowledge, variously known as cribs, crams, plugs, abstracts,
-analyses, or epitomes.
-
-But, besides the assistance thus afforded to him _out_ of the schools,
-Mr. Bouncer, like many others, idle as well as ignorant, intended to
-assist himself when _in_ the schools by any contrivance that his
-ingenuity could suggest, or his audacity carry out.
-
-"It's quite fair," was the little gentleman's argument, "to do the
-examiners in any way that you can, as long as you only go in for a pass.
-Of course, if you were going in for a class, or a scholarship, or
-anything of that sort, it would be no end mean and dirty to crib; and
-the gent that did it ought to be kicked out of the society of gentlemen.
-But when you only go in for a pass, and ain't doing any one any harm by
-a little bit of cribbing, but choose to run the risk to save yourself
-the bother of being ploughed, why then, I think, a feller's bound to do
-what he can for himself. And, you see, in my case, Giglamps, there's the
-Alum to be considered; she'd cut up doosid, if I didn't get through; so
-I must crib a bit, if it's only for _her_ sake."
-
-But although the little gentleman thus made filial tenderness the excuse
-for his deceit, and the salve for his conscience, yet he could neither
-persuade Mr. Verdant Green to follow his example, nor to be a convert to
-his opinions; nor would he be persuaded by our hero to relinquish his
-designs.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-"Why, look here, Giglamps!" Mr. Bouncer would say; "how _can_ I
-relinquish them, after having had all this trouble? I'll put you up to a
-few of my dodges--free, gratis, for nothing. In the first place,
-Giglamps, you see here's a small circular bit of paper, covered with
-Peloponnesian and Punic wars, and no end of dates,--written small and
-short, you see, but quite legible,--with the chief things done in red
-ink. Well, this gentleman goes in the front of my watch, under the
-glass; and, when I get stumped for a date, out comes the watch;--I look
-at the time of day--you understand, and down goes the date. Here's
-another dodge!" added the little gentleman--who might well have been
-called "the Artful Dodger"--as he produced a shirt from a drawer. "Look
-here, at the wristbands! Here are all the Kings of Israel and Judah,
-with their dates and prophets, written down in India-ink, so as to wash
-out again. You twitch up the cuff of your coat, quite accidentally, and
-then you book your king. You see, Giglamps, I don't like to trust, as
-some fellows do, to having what you want, written down small and shoved
-into a quill, and passed to you by some man sitting in the schools;
-that's dangerous, don't you see. And I don't like to hold cards in my
-hand; I've improved on that, and invented a first-rate dodge of my own,
-that I intend to take out a patent for. Like all truly great inventions,
-it's no end simple. In the first place, look straight afore you, my
-little dear, and you will see this pack of cards,--all made of a size,
-nice to hold in the palm of your hand; they're about all sorts of rum
-things,--everything that I want. And you see that each beggar's got a
-hole drilled in him. And you see, here's a longish string with a little
-bit of hooked wire at the end, made so that I can easily hang the card
-on it. Well, I pass the string up my coat sleeve, and down under my
-waistcoat; and here, you see, I've got the wire end in the palm of my
-hand. Then, I slip out the card I want, and hook it on to the wire, so
-that I can have it just before me as I write. Then, if any of the
-examiners look suspicious, or if one of them comes round to spy, I just
-pull the bit of string that hangs under the bottom of my waistcoat, and
-away flies the card up my coat sleeve; and when the examiner comes
-round, he sees that my hand's never moved, and that there's nothing in
-it! So he walks off satisfied; and then I shake the little beggar out of
-my sleeve again, and the same game goes on as before. And when the
-string's tight, even straightening your body is quite sufficient to
-hoist the card into your sleeve, without moving either of your hands.
-I've got an Examination-coat made on purpose, with a heap of pockets, in
-which I can stow my cards in regular order. These three pockets," said
-Mr. Bouncer, as he produced the coat, "are entirely for Euclid. Here's
-each problem written right out on a card; they're laid regularly in
-order, and I turn them over in my pocket, till I get hold of the one I
-want, and then I take it out, and work it. So you see, Giglamps, I'm
-safe to get through!--it's impossible for them to plough me, with all
-these contrivances. That's a consolation for a cove in distress, ain't
-it, old feller?"
-
-Both our hero and Charles Larkyns endeavoured to persuade Mr. Bouncer
-that his conduct would, at the very least, be foolhardy, and that he had
-much better throw his pack of cards into the fire, wash the Kings of
-Israel and Judah off his shirt, destroy his strings and hooked wires,
-and keep his Examination-coat for a shooting one. But all their
-arguments were in vain; and the infatuated little gentleman, like a
-deaf adder, shut his ears at the voice of the charmer.
-
-What between the Cowley cricketings, and the Isis boatings, Mr. Verdant
-Green only read by spasmodic fits; but, as he was very fairly up in his
-subjects--thanks to Charles Larkyns and the Rector--and as the Little-go
-was not such a very formidable affair, or demanded a scholar of
-first-rate calibre, the only terrors that the examination could bring
-him were those which were begotten of nervousness. At length the lists
-were out; and our hero read among the names of candidates, that of
-
-  "GREEN, _Verdant, è Coll. Æn. Fac._"
-
-There is a peculiar sensation on first seeing your name in print.
-Instances are on record where people have taken a world of trouble
-merely that they may have the pleasure of perusing their names "among
-the fashionables present" at the Countess of So-and-so's
-evening-reception; and cases are not wanting where young ladies and
-gentlemen have expended no small amount of pocket-money in purchasing
-copies of _The Times_ (no reduction, too, being made on taking a
-quantity!) in order that their sympathising friends might have the pride
-of seeing their names as coming out at drawing-rooms and _levées_. When
-a young M.P. has stammered out his _coup-d'essai_ in the House, he
-views, with mingled emotions, his name given to the world, for the first
-time, in capital letters. When young authors and artists first see their
-names in print, is it not a pleasure to them? When Ensign Dash sees
-himself gazetted, does he not look on his name with a peculiar
-sensation, and forthwith send an impression of the paper to Master
-Jones, who was flogged with him last week for stealing apples? When Mr.
-Smith is called to the Bar, and Mr. Robinson can dub himself M.R.C.S.,
-do they not behold their names in print with feelings of rapture? And
-when Miss Brown has been to her first ball, does she not anxiously await
-the coming of the next county newspaper, in order to have the happiness
-of reading her name there?
-
-[Illustration]
-
-But, different to these are the sensations that attend the seeing your
-name first in print in a College examination-list. They are, probably,
-somewhat similar to the sensations you would feel on seeing your name in
-a death-warrant. Your blood runs hot, then cold, then hot again; your
-pulse goes at fever pace; the throbbing arteries of your brow almost
-jerk your cap off. You know that the worst is come,--that the law of the
-Dons, which altereth not, has fixed your name there, and that there is
-no escape. The courage of despair then takes possession of your soul,
-and nerves you for the worst. You join the crowd of nervous
-fellow-sufferers who are thronging round the buttery-door to examine the
-list, and you begin with them calmly to parcel out the names by sixes
-and eights, and then to arrive at an opinion when your day of execution
-will be. If your name comes at the head of the list, you wish that you
-were "YOUNG, _Carolus, è Coll. Vigorn._" that you might have a reprieve
-of your sentence. If your name is at the end of the list, you wish that
-you were "ADAMS, _Edvardus Jacobus, è Coll. Univ._" that you might go in
-at once, and be put out of your misery. If your name is in the middle of
-the list, you wish that it were elsewhere: and then you wish that it
-were out of the list altogether.
-
-Through these varying shades of emotion did Mr. Verdant Green pass,
-until at length they were all lost in the deeper gloom of actual
-entrance into the schools. When once there, his fright soon passed away.
-Re-assured by the kindly voice of the examiner, telling him to read over
-his Greek before construing it, our hero recovered his equanimity, and
-got through his _vivâ voce_ with flying colours; and, on glancing over
-his paper-work, soon saw that the questions were within his scope, and
-that he could answer most of them. Without hazarding his success by
-making "bad shots," he contented himself by answering those questions
-only on which he felt sure; and, when his examination was over, he left
-the schools with a pretty safe conviction that he was safe, "and was
-well through his smalls."
-
-He could not but help, however, feeling some anxiety on the subject,
-until he was relieved from all further fears, by the arrival of Messrs.
-Fosbrooke, Smalls, and Blades, with a slip of paper (not unlike those
-which Mr. Levi, the sheriff's officer, makes use of), on which was
-written and printed as follows:--
-
-"GREEN, VERDANT, È COLL. ÆN. FAC.
-
-"Quæstionibua Magistrorum Scholarum in Parviso pro forma respondit.
-
-  "Ita testamur, { GULIELMUS SMITH,
-                 { ROBERTUS JONES.
-
-  "_Junii_ 7, 18--."
-
-Alas for Mr. Bouncer! Though he had put in practice all the ingenious
-plans which were without a doubt to ensure his success; and though he
-had worked his cribs with consummate coolness, and had not been
-discovered; yet, nevertheless, his friends came to him empty-handed. The
-infatuated little gentleman had either trusted too much to his own
-astuteness, or else he had over-reached himself, and had used his
-card-knowledge in wrong places; or, perhaps, the examiners may have
-suspected his deeds from the nature of his papers, and may have refused
-to pass him. But whatever might be the cause, the little gentleman had
-to defer taking his degree for some months at least. In a word--and a
-dreadful word it is to all undergraduates--Mr. Bouncer was PLUCKED! He
-bore his unexpected reverse of fortune very philosophically, and
-professed to regret it only for "the Mum's" sake; but he seemed to feel
-that the Dons of his college would look shy upon him, and he expressed
-his opinion that it would be better for him to migrate to the
-Tavern.[15]
-
-But, while Mr. Bouncer was thus deservedly punished for his idleness and
-duplicity, Charles Larkyns was rewarded for all his toil. He did even
-better than he had expected: for, not only did his name appear in the
-second class, but the following extra news concerning him was published
-in the daily papers, under the very appropriate heading of "University
-_Intelligence_."
-
-      "OXFORD, June 9.--The Chancellor's prizes have been awarded as
-      follows:--
-
-      "Latin Essay, Charles Larkyns, Commoner of Brazenface. The New
-      digate Prize for English Verse was also awarded to the same
-      gentleman."
-
-His writing for the prize poem had been a secret. He had conceived the
-idea of doing so when the subject had been given out in the previous
-"long:" he had worked at the subject privately, and, when the day (April
-1) on which the poems had to be sent in, had come, he had watched his
-opportunity, and secretly dropped through the wired slit in the door of
-the registrar's office at the Clarendon, a manuscript poem,
-distinguished by the motto:--
-
-  "Oh for the touch of a vanish'd hand
-  And the sound of a voice that is still."
-
-We may be quite sure that there was great rejoicing at the Manor Green
-and the Rectory, when the news arrived of the success of Charles Larkyns
-and Mr. Verdant Green.
-
-FOOTNOTES:
-
-[15] A name given to New Inn Hall, not only from its title, "New Inn,"
-but also because the buttery is open all day, and the members of the
-Hall can call for what they please at any hour, the same as in a tavern.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER XII.
-
-MR. VERDANT GREEN AND HIS FRIENDS ENJOY THE COMMEMORATION.
-
-
-The Commemoration had come; and, among the people who were drawn to the
-sight from all parts of the country, the Warwickshire coach landed in
-Oxford our friends Mr. Green, his two eldest daughters, and the
-Rector--for all of whom Charles Larkyns had secured very comfortable
-lodgings in Oriel Street.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-The weather was of the finest; and the beautiful city of colleges looked
-at its best. While the Rector met with old friends, and heard his son's
-praises, and renewed his acquaintance with his old haunts of study, Mr.
-Green again lionised Oxford in a much more comfortable and satisfactory
-manner than he had previously done at the heels of a professional guide.
-As for the young ladies, they were charmed with everything; for they had
-never before been in an University town, and all things had the
-fascination of novelty. Great were the luncheons held in Mr. Verdant
-Green's and Charles Larkyns' rooms; musical was the laughter that
-floated merrily through the grave old quads of Brazenface; happy were
-the two hearts that held converse with each other in those cool
-cloisters and shady gardens. How a few flounces and bright girlish
-smiles can change the aspect of the sternest homes of knowledge! How
-sunlight can be brought into the gloomiest nooks of learning by the
-beams that irradiate happy girlish faces, where the light of love and
-truth shines out clear and joyous! How the appearance of the
-Commemoration week is influenced in a way thus described by one of
-Oxonia's poets:--
-
-  "Peace! for in the gay procession brighter forms are borne along--
-  Fairer scholars, pleasure-beaming, float amid the classic throng.
-  Blither laughter's ringing music fills the haunts of men awhile,
-  And the sternest priests of knowledge blush beneath a maiden's smile.
-  Maidens teach a softer science--laughing Love his pinions dips,
-  Hush'd to hear fantastic whispers murmur'd from a pedant's lips.
-  Oh, believe it, throbbing pulses flutter under folds of starch,
-  And the Dons are human-hearted if the ladies' smiles be arch."
-
-Thanks to the influence of Charles Larkyns and his father, the party
-were enabled to see all that was to be seen during the Commemoration
-week. On the Saturday night they went to the amateur concert at the Town
-Hall, in aid of which, strange to say, Mr. Bouncer's proffer of his big
-drum had been declined. On the Sunday they went, in the morning, to St.
-Mary's to hear the Bampton lecture; and, in the afternoon, to the
-magnificent choral service at New College. In the evening they attended
-the customary "Show Sunday" promenade in Christ Church Broad Walk,
-where, under the delicious cool of the luxuriant foliage, they met all
-the rank, beauty, and fashion that were assembled in Oxford; and where,
-until Tom "tolled the hour for retiring," they threaded their way amid
-a miscellaneous crowd of Dons and Doctors, and Tufts and Heads of
-Houses,--
-
-  With prudes for Proctors, dowagers for Deans,
-  And bright girl-graduates with their golden hair.
-
-On the Monday they had a party to Woodstock and Blenheim; and in the
-evening went, on the Brazenface barge, to see the procession of boats,
-where the Misses Green had the satisfaction to see their brother pulling
-in one of the fifteen torpids that followed immediately in the wake of
-the other boats. They concluded the evening's entertainments in a most
-satisfactory manner, by going to the ball at the Town Hall.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-Indeed, the way the two young ladies worked was worthy of all credit,
-and proved them to be possessed of the most vigorous constitutions; for,
-although they danced till an early hour in the morning, they not only,
-on the next day, went to the anniversary sermon for the Radcliffe, and
-after that to the horticultural show in the Botanical Gardens, and after
-that to the concert in the Sheldonian Theatre, but--as though they had
-not had enough to fatigue them already--they must, forsooth--Brazenface
-being one of the ball-giving colleges--wind up the night by accepting
-the polite invitation of Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Charles Larkyns to a
-ball given in their college hall. And how many polkas these young ladies
-danced, and how many waltzes they waltzed, and how many ices they
-consumed, and how many too susceptible partners they drove to the verge
-of desperation, it would be improper, if not impossible, to say.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-But, however much they might have been fagged by their exertions of feet
-and features, it is certain that, by ten of the clock the next morning,
-they appeared, quite fresh and charming to the view, in the ladies'
-gallery in the theatre. There--after the proceedings had been opened by
-the undergraduates in _their_ peculiar way, and by the vice-chancellor
-in _his_ peculiar way--and, after the degrees had been conferred, and
-the public orator had delivered an oration in a tongue not understanded
-of the people, our friends from Warwickshire had the delight of
-beholding Mr. Charles Larkyns ascend the rostrums to deliver, in their
-proper order, the Latin Essay and the English Verse. He had chosen his
-friend Verdant to be his prompter; so that the well-known "giglamps" of
-our hero formed, as it were, a very focus of attraction: but it was well
-for Mr. Charles Larkyns that he was possessed of self-control and a good
-memory, for Mr. Verdant Green was far too nervous to have prompted him
-in any efficient manner. We may be sure, that in all that bevy of fair
-women, at least one pair of bright eyes kindled with rapture, and one
-heart beat with exulting joy, when the deafening cheers that followed
-the poet's description of the moon, the sea, and woman's love (the three
-ingredients which are apparently necessary for the sweetening of all
-prize poems), rang through the theatre and made its walls re-echo to the
-shouting. And we may be sure that, when it was all over, and when the
-Commemoration had come to an end, Charles Larkyns felt rewarded for all
-his hours of labour by the deep love garnered up in his heart by the
-trustful affection of one who had become as dear to him as life itself!
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-It was one morning after they had all returned to the Manor Green that
-our hero said to his friend, "How I _do_ wish that this day week were
-come!"
-
-"I dare say you do," replied the friend; "and I dare say that the pretty
-Patty is wishing the same wish." Upon which Mr. Verdant Green not only
-laughed but blushed!
-
-For it seemed that he, together with his sisters, Mr. Charles Larkyns,
-and Mr. Bouncer, were about to pay a long-vacation visit to Honeywood
-Hall, in the county of Northumberland; and the young man was naturally
-looking forward to it with all the ardour of a first and consuming
-passion.
-
-THE END
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