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diff --git a/40204-0.txt b/40204-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..eeb89fc --- /dev/null +++ b/40204-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1284 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40204 *** + + * * * * * + +Punch, or the London Charivari + +Volume 105, December 16, 1893. + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + + + + +SEASONABLE SONNET. + +(_By a Vegetarian._) + + Yes, Christmas overtakes us yet once more. + The Cattle Show has vanished in the mists + Of time and Islington, but re-exists + In piecemeal splendour at the store. + Here, nightly, big boys blue are to the fore + With knives and choppers in their greasy fists; + And now, methinks, the wight who never lists + Yet hears the brass band on the proud first floor. + High over all rings "What d'ye buy, buy, buy?" + The meat is decked with gay rosette and bow, + While gas-jets beckon all the world and wife. + A cheerful scene? A ghastly one, say I, + Where mutilated corpses hang arow, + And in the midst of death we are in life. + + * * * * * + +AS THEY LIKED IT.--We read of the recent success at Palmer's Theatre, +New York, of _As You Like It_, with all the parts played by women. +Of course, everybody knows that this was a complete reversal of the +practice of the stage in SHAKSPEARE'S own day, when the buskin was +on the other leg, so to speak; but we are not told if the passage +"Doublet and hose ought to show itself courageous to petticoat" was +transposed to "Petticoat ought to show itself courageous to doublet +and hose." + + * * * * * + +THIS SETTLED IT.--"He may be irritable," observed Mrs. R., "but +remember the old saying that 'Irritation is the sincerest form of +flattery.'" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALL IN THE DAY'S WORK. + +_Critic._ "HOW'S THE _BOOK_ GOING, OLD MAN?" + +_Author._ "OH--ALL RIGHT, I FANCY. THE PRESS HAS NOTICED IT ALREADY. +YESTERDAY'S _ROSELEAVES_ HAILS ME AS THE COMING _THACKERAY_!" + +_Critic._ "AH, _I_ WROTE THAT!" + +_Author._ "DID YOU REALLY? HOW CAN I THANK YOU? ON THE OTHER HAND, +THIS WEEK'S _KNACKER_ SAYS THAT I'VE BEEN FORTUNATELY ARRESTED BY +MADNESS ON THE ROAD TO IDIOTCY!" + +_Critic._ "AH, I WROTE THAT TOO!"] + + * * * * * + +A PLEA FOR PLEADINGS. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Last week I begged for a chance for the Briefless, +and the only reply has been, that by a few strokes of the pen the +Judges have ruined and undone the Junior Bar. On a day which will be +known henceforth in the Temple as Bad Friday, we read the new Rules, +by which in future it will be possible to have an action--_without +pleadings!_ Statement of Claim, Defence, Reply, Rejoinder--all +disappear into a beggarly "Summons for Directions," that can be drawn +by a solicitor's office-boy. Of course, amongst the silks, the change +will, no doubt, be popular. These learned gentlemen can with a light +heart and a heavy pocket welcome the change, which will get rid of the +pleadings which it is merely a nuisance to read. But what is to become +of us whose business it is to draw them? + +It may possibly be said that this new arrangement will save the +pockets of the clients, but what have the Judges to do with that? Does +anyone imagine litigation to be anything more than a pastime, at which +those who play ought to be content to pay? In a hard winter, when the +wolf is consistently at our door, to take the bread out of our mouths +in this way, is a proceeding which (_pace_ Mr. GLADSTONE) takes the +cake. I am sure Mr. GOSCHEN will welcome such an expression. In any +case I appeal, Sir, through you, from the Judges to an enlightened +paying public. + + Yours faithfully, + L. ERNED COUNSEL. + + 102, _Temple Gardens, E.C.,_ + _Dec. 6._ + + * * * * * + +CAUSE AND EFFECT.--A razor and a _tabula rasa_. + + * * * * * + +JOHN TYNDALL. + + BORN AUG. 21, 1820. + DIED DEC. 4, 1893. + + HONEST JOHN TYNDALL, then, has played his part! + Scientist brain, and patriotic heart + Both still in the last sleep, that sadly came, + Without reproach to love, or loss to fame. + Rest, Son of Science, certain of your meed! + Of bitter moan for you there is small need; + But England bows in silent sympathy + With her whose love, chance-wounded, all may see + Steadfast in suffering undeserved as sore. + _Punch_ speaks for all true hearts the kingdom o'er + When mingling tribute to JOHN TYNDALL'S life + With hushed compassion for his bowed but blameless wife + + * * * * * + +A FEMININE TRIUMPH.--SHEE, Q.C., appointed Judge of the Court of +Record at Salford. Naturally SHEE likes being courted. Pity it wasn't +in Wales, as then they would Welshly-and-grammatically speak of +"appearing before SHEE" as "appearing before _Her_." This is clearly +an example of the "_SHEE who must be obeyed_." + + * * * * * + +Murch Praised! + + ["Mr. JEROME MURCH, seven times Mayor of Bath, &c., and for + thirty years chairman of, &c., has just published a volume, + entitled _Bath Celebrities_."] + + _Go to Bath, viâ_ book upon lap;-- + No Bath bungler is here, but a rare man. + You are certain to like this Bath chap; + And there never was such a Bath chairman. + + * * * * * + +UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE.--The Oxford undergraduate who was caught +red-(paint)-handed, and sent down for a year, forgot, no doubt, that +_he_ had to be well read, not the town; but a year in the country will +no doubt make him as fresh as the paint itself. Curiously enough, very +popular still in his College, which shows no inclination to cut the +painter! + + * * * * * + +"SOMETHING LIKE A HUNTING RUN."--In the _Pall Mall_ last Thursday +was the account of a grand run with "the Barlow Hounds." Of course +_Sandford_ and _Merton_ were on ponies, and out with "their +beloved tutor's" pack. Mr. BARLOW, of course, is both "Master" and +"Whipper-in." + + * * * * * + +THE TOPER'S TOAST.--"_Pot_-luck!" + + * * * * * + +TRIP-LETS. + + [Miss YOUNG writes from North Merton Vicarage to say that her + turkeys have taken to step-dancing. "First two young 'toms' + bowed politely to one another, then passed on with stately + tread, skipped into the air twice in the most ludicrous + manner, turned, and repeated the performance."--_See Daily + Graphic, December 7._] + + The lion, fleas, and kangaroo, + Baboon, and shaving baby too, + Have all had shows--here's something new! + + Terpsichore and _Turveydrop_ + Have taught the turkeycock to hop, + To bow politely, skip and flop. + + Like Cheshire cat, I would have grinned, + To see the fowl of Western Ind + Disport itself like LETTY LIND! + + Enough of barn-and serpent-dance! + We'll give the poultry-yard a chance-- + With _pas de deux_-"_toms_" let us prance! + + * * * * * + +CHARITY'S CRUX.--Charity begins at home, we are told. Perhaps. But at +present, confused by rival claims and conflicting counsels, Charity +seems to be "all abroad." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CHANGE OF PARTNERS. PRESIDENT CLEVELAND ASKS FOR "JUST +ONE TURN" WITH MISS FREE TRADE.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NEXT HER HEART!" + +_Young Muddleigh, who has been out buying underwear for his personal +use, purchases at the same establishment some flowers for his +ladyelove--leaving a Note to be enclosed. Imagine Young Muddleigh's +horror, on returning to dress, to discover that the underwear had +been sent with the Note, and the Flowers to him! Muddleigh discovered, +repeating slowly to himself the contents of the Note_:--"PLEASE WEAR +THESE THIS EVENING, FOR MY SAKE!"] + + * * * * * + +A CHANGE OF PARTNERS. + + ["The world should be open to our national ingenuity and + enterprise. This cannot be while Federal legislation, + through the imposition of a high tariff, forbids to American + manufacturers as cheap materials as those used by their + competitors.... A measure has been prepared ... embodying + tariff reform on the lines herein suggested."--_President + Cleveland's Message to Congress_.] + +GROVER CLEVELAND _sings_:-- + +(AIR--"_Are you coming to the dancing?_") + + Oh! there's only one girl in the world for whom I care a dime, + And I mean to be her partner--if you'll only give me time. + It is nice to see her smiling and a-calling from way over, + "Are you coming to the dancing, Mister GROVER, GROVER, GROVER?" + + _Chorus_--Are you coming, are you coming, + Are you coming to the dancing, Mr. GROVER, GROVER, GROVER? + And I say, I guess I'm coming, Miss Free Trade, dear--as your lover! + + "Come, GROVER, come!" my love will say; "just one turn in the dance, + And _we_'ll show all competitors they have but little chance. + That's why I love you GROVER, 'cause you're limber in your feet + And defy the other fellows, to compete, pete, pete!" + + _Chorus_--Are you coming, &c. + + Miss Protection, my old partner's a bit _passée, entre nous_, + Yet I mustn't all forsake her; she's exacting and a shrew; + And to leave her quite a "Wallflower," and entirely in the shade, + Would mean ructions; yet I _must_ try just one turn with dear Free Trade! + + _Chorus_--Are you coming, &c. + + So I'll kiss her little finger, and invite her to the waltz; + Though the other turns her nose up (temper's one of her worst faults). + But I say, "I cannot help it, dear; you're danced quite off your feet, + And a rest will do you good, dear, I repeat, peat, peat!" + + _Chorus_--Are you coming, &c. + + "The ball-room should be open to a dancer's enterprise. + I _must_ try a change of partners; your high-tariff step so tries. + It's so stiff, and so exhausting, and a little Freedom's sweet; + Whilst _I_ take one turn with Free Trade. _You_ can take a seat, seat, seat!" + + _Chorus_--Are you coming, &c. + + "Oh! she's been and asked her mother, and her mother's said she might. + So sit down and don't show tantrums, for they make you look a fright." + _May_ I ask you for just one turn, Free Trade, before this dance is over? + And she answers "With much pleasure, Mister GROVER, GROVER, GROVER!" + + _Chorus_--Are you coming, are you coming, + Are you coming for one turn, my dear, before this dance is over? + And she smiles--and I'm her partner--and hope soon to be her lover! + + * * * * * + +"VARIETY! VA-RI-E-TY!" + +"The Kilanyi Troupe" at the Palace Theatre of Varieties, with their +strikingly realistic _Tableaux Vivants_, might well change their name +_pro tem._ to "The Kill-any-other Troupe" that might be venturing in +the same line. Of course, they are a great attraction, and would be +still greater, were the Show varied from night to night, altogether +omitting No. 6 in the present programme, and, in view of the +popularity of "A tale of the tide," the humour of which is perceptible +to everyone on account of the waggery in the tail, by substituting two +or three comic for the simply classic _poses_. Mr. CHARLES MORTON, +trading on his acquired store of operatic knowledge, might give us a +statuette of _Les Deux Gendarmes_, who could just vary their attitudes +according to the movement of OFFENBACH'S celebrated duett. After a +short interval of patriotic song about NELSON and "doing duty" there +is a capital French clown, or clown of some nationality, whose fun is +genuine, and whose imitations, animal and orchestral, are excellent +and really amusing. This is a case in which, if a real bassoon or a +real hen intruded itself, either would be hissed, and the false +honestly preferred to the real. Altogether, except that the ballet +which plays the people out, and does play them out effectually, is +old-fashioned, it is an excellent evening's entertainment. The County +Council ought to come in their thousands, and, like the little dog who +was so pleased to see the cow jumping over the moon, they would "laugh +to see such sport." + + * * * * * + +UNDER THE ROSE. + +(_A Story in Scenes._) + +SCENE XIX.--_The Drawing-room._ Mrs. TOOVEY _is still regarding_ Mr. +JANNAWAY, _after the manner of an elderly bird in the presence of a +young and somewhat inexperienced serpent_. + +_Mr. Toovey_ (_coming to the rescue_). Excuse me, young Sir, but +I don't think you quite realise who that lady _is_. (_With mild +self-assertion._) She is my wife, Sir, my Wife! And she is not +_accustomed_ to being hunted all over Upper Tooting, or anywhere else! + +_Mr. Jannaway_ (_to himself_). I've got this dear lady on toast. _I_ +can see! But I mustn't do anything ungentlemanly or I may get the sack +if the governor gets to hear of it. (_Aloud._) If I'm mistaken I'm +ready to apologise; but the lady bears such a really remarkable +likeness to a Mrs. TOMKINSON JONES, residing (so she gave me to +understand) at The Laburnums, Upper Tooting, that---- + +_Mrs. Toovey_ (_finding her voice_). I do _not_ reside at Upper +Tooting! + +_Mr. Jann._ (_in silky tones_). Precisely _so_, Madam. No more does +Mrs.--hem--TOMKINSON JONES! + +_Charles._ And is _that_ the only point of resemblance between your +friend Mrs. JONES and my Aunt, eh? + +_Mr. Jann._ That's a matter of opinion, Sir. I've my own. But neither +the lady nor yet myself are particularly likely to forget our meeting. +It was only last Saturday evening, too! + +_Mr. Toov._ Why, then you must have met Mrs. TOOVEY at the Zenana +Mission Conference? + +_Mr. Jann._ Well that isn't the name _I_ know it by; but if the lady +prefers it, why---- + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_hoarsely_). I--I deny having ever met the young man +before, anywhere; that is, I--I don't remember doing so. Take him +away! + +_Mr. Jann._ I should be most averse, of course, to contradicting a +lady, and I can only conclude that she is so much in the 'abit of +fetching unoffending strangers what I may venture to term, if +you'll permit the vulgarity, a slap in the jaw, that such a trifling +circumstance makes no impression on her. It did on _me_! + +_Mr. Toov._ (_outraged_). Young man! are you endeavouring to suggest +that my wife goes about--er--administering "slaps in the jaw" to +perfect strangers at Zenana meetings? + +_Mr. Jann._ Pardon me, I said nothing whatever about any--er--Pyjama +meetings. I don't know what may go on _there_, I'm sure. The incident +_I_ alluded to occurred at the Eldorado music-hall. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). There; it's out at last! What _have_ I +done to deserve this? + +_Charles_ (_to himself_). The Eldorado! Why, THEA _said_----What _can_ +Aunt have been up to? She's got herself into the very deuce of a hole! + + [CURPHEW _and_ ALTHEA _exchange significant glances_. + +_Mr. Toov._ At the Eldorado? Now, do you know that's very +singular--that really is very singular indeed! You're the _second_ +person who fancied Mrs. TOOVEY was there last Saturday evening! So +that you see there _must_ have been a lady there most extraordinarily +like my wife! + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). Dear, good, simple Pa; _he_ believes in +me! After all, I've only to deny everything; he can't _prove_ I was +there! (_Aloud._) Yes, Sir, and on a mere resemblance like that you +have the audacity to bring these shameful charges against me--_me_! +All you have succeeded in establishing is that you were in the +music-hall yourself, and I doubt whether your employer would approve +of a clerk of his spending his time in such places, if it came to his +ears! + +_Mr. Jann._ It's very kind of you to concern yourself on my account, +Madam; but there's no occasion. It was Mr. LARKINS himself gave me the +ticket; so I'm not at all uneasy. + +[Illustration: "Why, Cornelia, my love, so you've _found_ your +spectacles!"] + +_Mr. Toov._ Why, dear me, that must have been the ticket Mr. +CURPHEW--I should say, Mr. WALTER WILDFIRE--sent me. I remember I left +it with Mr. LARKINS in case he could find a use for it. So you were in +_my_ box; quite a coincidence, really! + +_Mr. Jann._ As you say, Sir, and not the only one neither, seeing +that---- + +_Mrs. Toov._ Pa, isn't it time this young man finished the business +he came about, and went away? I am not accustomed to seeing my +drawing-room made use of as an office! + +_Mr. Toov._ (_snatching up the transfer_). By all means, my love. +(_To_ Mr. J.) Er, I really think we should be more comfortable in the +study. There--there's a bigger inkstand. + + [_He leads the way to the door._ + +_Mr. Jann._ (_following_). As _you_ please, Sir. (_Turning at the +door._) I must say I think I've been most cruelly misunderstood. If +I've been anxious for the pleasure of meeting Mrs. TOMKINSON JONES +again, any revengeful motives or lowness of that description was far +from my thoughts, my sole object being to restore a piece of property +which the lady, whoever she may have been, left behind her, and which, +as I 'appen to have brought it with me, would, if recognised, settle +any question of identity on the spot. But that can wait for the +present. Business first, pleasure afterwards! + + [_He goes out. A silence. Presently a succession of violent + sniffs proceed from behind "The Quiver." All rise in concern._ + +_Charles._ I say, Aunt, you're not going to give way _now_, are you? +That fellow hasn't frightened you? + +_Alth._ (_kneeling down and embracing_ Mrs. T.). Dearest mamma, +_don't_ you think you'd better tell us all about it? It was _you_ who +slapped that horrid little man's face--now, _wasn't_ it? And serve him +right! + +_Mrs. T._ (_in a burst_). I took him for your father! Oh, what have I +_said_? I never meant to admit anything! And what must you all think +of me? + +_Curph._ No one who has had the benefit of your opinions of +music-halls or their entertainers, can possibly imagine you went to +one with any idea of _amusing_ yourself, Mrs. TOOVEY. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_without heeding him_). And Pa, what will _he_ say? When +I think of all the wicked stories I've had to tell that poor dear man! +And after he once finds them out, there's an end of all his +respect for me, all my influence over him, all my power in this +house--_everything_! Why, for anything _I_ can tell, Pa may actually +believe I went to that detestable place on what (_to_ CURPHEW) I +suppose your friends would call the--the (_utterly breaking down_) +Tee-hiddle-dy-hi! + +_Charles_ (_after a highly suspicious fit of choking_). Don't think +there's any danger of that, Aunt; but look here, how if I went into +the study and kicked that little cad out, eh? + +_Mrs. Toov._ And have the whole affair in the police reports! _You_'re +a pretty solicitor, CHARLES! But Pa _knows_ by now, and oh, what in +the _world_ am I to do? + +_Charles._ Well, my dear Aunt, it sounds an immoral suggestion, but, +as you seem to have given Uncle a--hem--slightly picturesque version +of your doings last Saturday, hadn't you better _stick_ to it? + +_Mrs. Toov._ What's the use? Didn't you hear that wretch say he'd +found something in the box? It's my spectacles, CHARLES; a pair in +a Rob Roy tartan case, which Pa gave me himself, and couldn't _help_ +recognising! I remember now, I left them there, and----(_The door +opens._) They're coming back! + +_Mr. Toov._ (_entering_). That's really a very honest young fellow, my +love, nothing will satisfy him but bringing in the article he's found, +and seeing whether it belongs to you or not. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_breathlessly_). And have _you_ seen it, Pa--have you +_seen_ it? + +_Mr. Toov._ Not yet, dear love, not yet. He's getting it out of his +great coat in the hall. + +_Curph._ (_starting up from behind_ ALTHEA). I think, if you will +allow me, _I_'ll go and speak to him first. It strikes me that I may +know the lady who was in that box, and I'm naturally anxious to avoid +any---- + + [_He goes out._ + +END OF SCENE XIX. + + +SCENE XX.--_A few minutes later._ + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, in a fever_). Why doesn't he come back? +What are those two plotting together? Oh, if Mr. WILDFIRE imagines he +will get a hold over me, so as to obtain my consent to---- I'd sooner +tell Pa everything! (_To_ CURPHEW, _who reenters, smiling_.) W--where +is--the other? + +_Curph._ The other? Oh, _he_'s gone. I made myself known to him; and +you would have been surprised, my dear Mrs. TOOVEY, at the immense +effect my professional name had upon him. When he realised I was +WALTER WILDFIRE he was willing to do anything for me, and so I easily +got him to entrust his find to me. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_inquisitively_). And what is it--a fan, or a glove? +There would be no harm in showing it to _us_, eh? + +_Curph._ Well, really, it's so very unlikely to compromise anybody +that I almost think I _might_. Yes, there can't be any objection. + + [_He takes something out of his pocket, and presents it to_ + Mr. T. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_mystified_). Why, it's only a hairpin! What a +scrupulously honest young man that is, to be sure! + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_relieved_). Only a hairpin? (_Then, uneasily, to_ +CURPH., _in an undertone_.) Where is--you know what? Have you kept it +to use for your own advantage? + +_Curph._ (_in the same tone_). I am a very bad man, I know; but I +don't blackmail. You will find it behind the card-basket in the hall. + + [Mrs. T. _goes out_; ALTH. _draws_ CURPH. _aside_. + +_Alth._ CLARENCE, I--I _must_ know; how did you come to have a--a +hairpin? where did it come _from_? (_As he softly touches the back of +her head._) Oh! it was _mine_, then? _What_ a goose I am? + +_Mr. Toov._ (_as_ Mrs. T. _returns_). Why, CORNELIA, my love, so +you've _found_ your spectacles! Now where did you leave them _this_ +time, my dear, eh? + +_Mrs. Toov._ Where I shall not leave them _again_ in a hurry, +THEOPHILUS! + +_Mr. Toov._ Don't you be too sure of that, my love. By the way, Mr. +CURPHEW, that lady of your acquaintance--_you_ know, the one who +made all this disturbance at the Eldorado--is she at all _like_ Mrs. +TOOVEY, now? + +_Curph._ (_after reflection_). Well, really, there _is_ a +resemblance--at a distance! + +_Mr. Toov._ (_peevishly_). Then it's annoying--very annoying; because +it might compromise my poor dear wife, you know. I--I wish you could +give her a quiet hint to--to avoid such places in future! + +_Curph._ Do you know, Sir, I really think it will be _quite_ +unnecessary. + + [PH[OE]BE _enters to announce dinner_. + +_Mr. Toov._ Dinner, eh? Yes, yes, dinner, to be sure. Mr. CURPHEW, +will you take in my dau----(_correcting himself_)--oh, but, dear me, I +was quite forgetting that--h'm!---- + +_Curph._ ----that Mrs. TOOVEY has been expressing an ardent impatience +to close your doors on me for ever? + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_not over graciously_). That was before---- I mean +that--considering the manner in which we all of us seem to have been +more or less mixed up with the music-hall of late--we can't afford to +be too particular. If Mr. WILDFIRE chooses to stay, he will find as +warm a welcome as--(_with a gulp_)--he can _expect_! + +_Curph._ Many thanks, but I'm sure you see that I can't stay here on +sufferance. If I do stay it must be as---- + +_Mrs. T._ As one of the family! (_She chokes._) That--that's +understood, of course. (_To herself._) They know too much! + +_Mr. T._ (_to_ Mrs. T., _chirpily, as the others precede them in +to dinner_). Do you know, my love, I'd no more idea you would ever +have---- Well, well, it might have been worse, I daresay. But we must +never let it get out about the _music-hall_, eh? + +_Mrs. T._ Well, Pa, _I_'m not very likely to allude to it! + +THE END. + + * * * * * + +"CRYSTAL-GAZING."--The Crystal Palace Company should adapt some of Mr. +ANDREW LANG'S article on "Superstition" in this month's _Fortnightly_. +Far more entertaining is the Sydenham building than any amount of +"Crystal-gazing," and the directors have only to say (we make them +a Christmas present of the suggestion), quoting from the article +above-mentioned, "it is an ascertained fact that a certain proportion +of men and women, educated, healthy," &c., &c., can obtain curious +information, combined with amusement, by looking into the Crystal ... +Palace. + + * * * * * + +EXAMPLE OF "BURNING WORDS."--Lighting the dining-room fire with the +torn pages of an old book. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR COSTLY CLIMATE. + +"HULLO? OFF OUT OF TOWN SOMEWHERE?" + +"OFF TO CAIRO, MY BOY!" + +"CAIRO? WHY, ONLY THE OTHER DAY YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE AS POOR AS A +CHURCH MOUSE!" + +"THAT'S JUST IT. I'VE SPENT FIVE YEARS' INCOME ON CLOTHING ALREADY +THIS WINTER, AND I'M NOT WARM YET; AND I'VE CALCULATED THAT IT'LL TAKE +SEVEN YEARS' INCOME MORE BEFORE I CAN KEEP THE COLD OUT. SO I'M OFF TO +CAIRO TO STOP AT THE BEST HOTEL--IT'S FAR CHEAPER!"] + + * * * * * + +POISON IN THE PUMP. + + [A medical writer in the _Gentleman's Magazine_ says, "more + people are killed by drinking water than are killed by + drinking alcohol."] + + Think of that, teetotal folks, heed not WILFRED LAWSON'S jokes + And his gay, impromptu poems which he reads when on the stump, + Here's a doctor says that you will indubitably do + Quite a foolish thing in swearing by your sweetly sober pump. + + Surely that should give you pause when you advocate your cause, + With your button-hole adorned with tiny scrap of sky-blue silk; + There's not half the danger in whisky, brandy, rum, or gin, + As in typhoid-bearing water or in diphtheritic milk. + + We're not all gin-sodden sots, though we do not empty lots + Of those enigmatic bottles, which to you are always dear, + Filled with liquor, washy, sweet, aërated. Such a treat + Is your execrable lemonade, your beastly ginger-beer! + + Other people do not rave from the cradle to the grave. + The Frenchman takes his _petit verre_, his _Bordeaux_ or his _bock_; + The German's limpid beer or his _Rheinwein_ none need fear. + Even you would not be overcome by claret, say, or hock. + + Then if you are truly wise, you will cease to close your eyes + To the fact that moderation is convincing, and should be + In your words, as in our drink. Then we might more kindly think + Of your thickly, sickly cocoa, and your nerve-exciting tea. + + * * * * * + +"EUREKA! EUREKA!"--His wife had heard the word. Had been told it was +Greek: but what it meant she did not know. One night he came home from +a bachelor smoking-party. "Oh," she exclaimed. "You absolutely reek of +tobacco. _You reeker!_" Then it broke upon her like an ancient light +that she was talking Greek without knowing it! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON. + +_Precocious Infant._ "HELP YOURSELF, AND PASS THE BOTTLE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE CHAMPION SHAVER; + +_Or, A Task against Time_. + + _Largo al factotum!_ Shave all the world, one per minute! + _Figaro_ beaten, _Poll Sweedlepipe_ plainly not in it! + WICK of King's Road, Chelsea's champion chin-scraper, out of it! + ROMOLA'S garrulous razor-man whipped, there's no doubt of it! + + Rustic's rough stubble, or working-man's wiry chin-bristle, + Mown from his gills in a twinkling, as clean as a whistle. + Even a bristly Hibernian boar he would gaily + Tackle, and trim him as smooth as that downy young _Bailey_. + + Grand Old Tonsorial Hand with the soft-soap and lather; + Knight of the Razor, of hand-sweep redoubtable--rather! + PAT--or SHAGPAT-HODGE or BLUEBEARD, blue-gill'd British Workman, + Muscovite hairy, or whiskered, moustache-twisting Turkman: + + Downy-cheeked boy, or big, wire-brushy Don Whiskerando!-- + All one to him! All that sharp steel and soap-lather _can_ do + Here is a Barber will buckle to, blade-armed, instanter, + Challenge competitive rivals, and win in a canter. + + Neat NELLY WICK (thirteen men in ten minutes) is rather + A good 'un to mow, to say naught of her champion father; + But this Grand Old Shaver would shave,--against time, too, yes, + trust us!-- + _Elephas Primigenius_ (the Mammoth), or _Brontops Robustus!_ + + Truly a Tonsor Titanic to chin-needs to minister! + Yet are there some who declare his dexterity sinister; + Say that 'tis not without reason this bland badger-waver. + And stirrer of soap-suds, is called--well, an Artful Old Shaver. + + Like most of his craft he the Gift of the Gab shares stupendously. + And takes by the nose and belathers, with soft-soap, tremendously. + They call him for custom from all sorts and sizes a cadger, + And swear that he badgers the Mob to submit to his badger. + + Be that as it may--and his rivals do rail at him viciously-- + _If_ you require "a clean shave," rattled off expeditiously, + Lather that's fragrant and frothy, and steel that slides slickly, + Sit down in his chair, and he'll polish you off pretty quickly. + + He's had two tough customers lately; a workman stiff-stubbled + (He looks at his gills in the glass with a glance slightly + troubled), + And him the young yokel whose beard's like a big bed of thistles, + Who flops in the chair and demands to be shorn of his bristles. + + To shave--against time--such a shag-beard as is this young rustic, + Is hard, and the chance of success seems a bit nubibustic. + But list! The old Champion Shaver is courteously glosing! + "Bit bristly, my friend, but I'll leave you clean-mown before + closing!" + + * * * * * + +HIGHLY PROBABLE. + +(_A Conversation Tapped on its way through the Telephone._) + +I say, how are you this morning? + +Still rather weak. But the weather here is lovely, and I am enjoying +myself immensely. I think I have discovered a new system. + +Never mind about the tables. Thought you had gone to Nice. + +No, Monte Carlo. It's more healthy, and they say that if you have +success you should clear your expenses easily. + +Yes, but I did not want to talk about that. You know there's been more +outrages in Dublin? They have spread from Paris. + +Have they? Get some Johnnie on the spot to look after them. + +But I told the House that although you were in the South of France, +you were in telegraphic touch with your colleagues. + +What did you do that for? My doctor will be awfully angry. + +I dare say. But what are you going to do about this dynamite scare? + +Leave it to ROSEBERY; he's equal to anything and everybody. + +Yes, as a rule; but not just now. He's on leave. Bad cold. + +Well, let ASQUITH have a shot. He is a rising young man. + +But he's away, too; and so is HARCOURT, SPENCER, RIPON, and the +others. They all say they can do nothing further. + +Sorry. Can I help it? Impossible to govern Ireland from Monte Carlo. + +Not if you give your mind to it. But, of course, if you will go in for +systems, you haven't much chance. + +Well, frankly, I can't manage it. You must get some one else. + +Sorry I can't. + +Then what will you do? + +Why, manage it myself. After all, if I have twice the years of you +fellows I have four times the energy. As I am doing all the other work +of the Ministry, I may as well make a complete job of it. I will do it +myself! + +[Illustration: "THE CHAMPION SHAVER!" + +MR. G. "YOU'RE A BIT BRISTLY, SIR, BUT I THINK WE SHALL POLISH YOU OFF +BEFORE CLOSING TIME!!"] + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +"The ever-advancing _Woman_," observes one of the Baronesses, "has +quite come forward this Christmas, daintily attired." Wonderful +money-prizes are to be won by the lucky person who guesses the author +of "Bid Me not Go," which is the Christmas story of the enterprising +_Gentlewoman_. + +"As for Christmas Cards being Christmassy," quoth a young Baron +brusquely, "why it's all WALKER!" The Baron was about to rebuke the +scion of his noble house, but discovered, on application, that the +youth had been alluding to the Christmas Card publisher of that name, +whose designs are not peculiarly Christmassy, but what the Baroness +terms "so dainty!" + +S. HILDESHEIMER & Co.'s clever and amusing Christmas Cards will be +much appreciated by young people. + +Three books full of stories, to suit all ages. HUTCHINSON'S House. +_Fifty-two Stories for Children_, _Fifty-two Stories for Girlhood and +Youth_, and _Fifty-two Stories for Boyhood and Youth_. Just a story a +week, will last the year. Collected by ALFRED H. MILES. You won't find +a better if you go for Miles. + +_Valdmer, the Viking_, by HUME NISBET, was a wonderful Dane, who, +after invading England in the Tenth Century, took a trip from Thanet +(having invented Ramsgate and Margate) all round America, and thought +nothing of it. Those who read this will probably think something of +it. + +_The Hoyden_, written by Mrs. HUNGERFORD, and published by HEINEMANN, +is the story of a rather frivolous nineteenth-century tomboy; "but," +quoth the Baroness, "though it does not come within measurable +distance of _The O'Connors of Ballinahinch_, it is pleasant light +reading." + +_Mr. Gladstone's Life; Told by Himself_, is an alluring title, which, +in spite of the volume being issued by so respectable a house as KEGAN +PAUL'S, savours of a flam. But it is genuine enough. Every word in the +little volume has been spoken or written by Mr. GLADSTONE. Mr. LEECH, +whilst modestly disclaiming any imposition of responsibility upon +the PREMIER, has ingeniously linked passages from speeches or letters +published under his name during the past sixty years. The result is a +really fascinating work. Mr. GLADSTONE has always been prone to drop +into autobiography. Nothing, my Baronite tells me, was more delightful +than the speeches he used to deliver in the House of Commons on +Friday and Tuesday nights. Some chance reference to CANNING, PEEL, +or PALMERSTON brought up a flood of recollections, and Mr. G. used to +chat of old times with the entranced House. + +In a pleasant little book called _Essays on Idleness_, the authoress, +AGNES REPPLIER, speaking of her cat, observes, "It were ignoble to +wish myself in her place, and yet how charming to be able to settle +down to a nap, _sans peur et sans reproche_, at ten o'clock in the +morning." Surely instead of "_sans peur_" she should have written +"_sans purr_," as far more applicable to a cat asleep. + +"HERE is a work that I prize indeed!" quoth the Baron, surveying with +unmixed pleasure two handsome volumes, readable from every point of +view of type, handiness, and matter that is of substance and spirit, +being a re-issue of the immortal _Autocrat of the Breakfast Table_, +by OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. "Mind you," he continues, tenderly regarding +them, "though this I admit is an _édition de luxe_, yet do I far +and away prefer the simple volume without illustrations. Why +illustrations? Why try to impose on us, as by artistic authority, the +faces, forms, and the situations that we would infinitely prefer to +idealise? Without the faculty of imagination no one can enjoy this +work, pictures or no pictures: possessed of the faculty, what need of +the illustrations, save so far as they may carry out our own notions +of the author's meaning? If they do not, then we quarrel with them. +But many thanks for these two volumes, brought out by Messrs. GAY AND +BIRD (delightful association of adjective and substantive, as we have +had afortime occasion to remark); for among all hooks, whether at this +Christmas Season, when they come in quite with a Charles-Lamblike and +Washington-Irvingesque flavour, or at any other time, these be most +welcome to the constant lover of old Literary Friends. + + YULETIDEIAN BARON DE BOOK-WORMS." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CONDUCTOR OF HEAT.] + + * * * * * + +A GAME OF CHANCE. + +(_From an Imaginative French Source._) + +War had broken out between France and Great Britain. In the +Mediterranean--owing to several French ironclads having got through +into the Black Sea and being unable to get out again--the French fleet +was shut up in Toulon harbour by a powerful English squadron. It was +just at this time that some curious events were taking place in the +neighbouring seaside resort of Sablettes-les-Bains, recently purchased +by an English company, which was running the place as a kind of +compromise between Boulogne and Monte Carlo. + +"_Messieurs, faites vos jeux!_"--was heard the monotonous refrain of +the burly "Croupier," who, with face rather pale, and a +preoccupied air, was presiding over one of the numerous games of +"_Petits-Chevaux_," combined with "_Rouge et Noir_" which were +proceeding in the gorgeously-upholstered and magnificently-lighted +"_Salle des Papas Perdus_" of the "_Cercle des Etrangers_" of this +Paradise of the Middle Sea. + +Suddenly the Croupier sprang from his seat, threw off his loose +outer coat, and displayed the well-known uniform of an Officer in +Her Majesty's Royal Shropshire Yeomanry Carabineers. All the other +Croupiers did the same. Astonishment and dismay were depicted on the +countenances of the players. + +"Gentlemen," said the Croupier, "I am sorry to say you are all my +prisoners. Resist, and you will be shot without mercy!" + +"But I had just staked twenty thousand Louis on the black!" ejaculated +a bewildered Gaul. + +"You have lost your stake, Monsieur," replied the Croupier, with +politeness. "It is red, not black;" and, in a moment, all the English +visitors who thronged the rooms had also thrown off _their_ overcoats, +and the hall was filled with red-coats. + +"Treachery! _Perfide Alb_----" the Gaul shouted; but ere he could +rise from his seat to give the alarm to the Toulon garrison, as he had +fully intended doing, a hundred swords (made in Birmingham) had passed +simultaneously through his body. Their stakes fell from the trembling +hands of the players. + +"Then are we to understand," asked another Frenchman, who had +somewhat recovered from the first shock of surprise, "that the English +Government has suppressed Sablettes-les-Bains because it disapproves +of the game of _Petits-Chevaux_?" + +"Not at all," replied the Croupier-Officer. "It is a military +_coup-de-main_, that's all. The English company running this place, +was, of course, in the pay of the British War Office. By a prearranged +system of signals we have been making known everything that is going +on at Toulon to the British Admiral out at sea. You may perhaps have +noticed what an extremely large orchestra took part in last night's +free classical concert; they were English marines disguised as +musicians. And the gardens attached to the Casino, which rival those +of Monte Carlo, what do you think those grassy slopes crowned with +olives and orange-trees are in reality? Why, the artfully-contrived +glacis of the impregnable fortress inside which you are now standing, +and which I have the honour to command!" + +Just then the booming of cannon was heard outside. + +"It is our guns playing on the defences of Toulon!" exclaimed the +Officer. "Toulon is ours!" + +And the treacherous Britons, having cleared the tables of the +five-franc pieces still remaining on them, proceeded, with the aid of +the Germans and Italians, to the dismemberment of France. + + * * * * * + +Nautical Economy. + +["It is no use our building ships without the men to man +them."--_Times' Correspondent._] + +PROVERB suggested by the above:--"Do not spoil the ship for a pound +of tar." + + * * * * * + +NOVEL PROCEEDING.--New Issue, _Japhet in Search of Something +Farther_. By MARRIOTT. + + * * * * * + +LAW AND JUSTICE _v._ DUTY "DONE." + +(_An Imaginary Conversation._) + + SCENE--_Opposite the Griffin_. + TIME--_The present day_. + _Enter two well-known personages._ + +_Justice._ Welcome, Sister. We sometimes are severed, but when we do +meet the right prevails. + +_Law._ Certainly, Sister--to a great extent. And what is the cause of +our present communion? + +_Justice._ I have to call your attention, Sister, to many great works +of mercy recently performed by wielders of the pen--in fact some of my +servants. + +_Law._ Your servants are noted for their good works. + +_Justice._ You are very kind. Well, these good servants have defended +the poor, protected the weak, and denounced hypocrites. + +_Law._ Very right indeed. But how did they manage it without my +assistance? + +_Justice._ You have a short memory. It was with your aid that they +brought these good things about. Surely you have not forgotten them? + +_Law._ Well, since I have been combined with Equity I have been doing +so much excellent work that I have neither time nor inclination +for the recording of details. Well, and your _protégés_, were they +successful? + +_Justice._ Certainly; they won all along the line. Never was the power +of the Press manifested to better advantage. + +_Law._ Surely they were not in actions for libel? + +_Justice._ Yes; and although they did much good, were practically +mulcted in costs. + +_Law._ Costs! That is in my department! + +_Justice._ And not in mine. Costs in such a matter have nothing to do +with Justice! + +_Law._ But (as you say) are inseparably connected with Law! + + [_They part hurriedly._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.] + +_She._ "AND YOU'LL HAVE TO MAKE A SPEECH AFTER DINNER, WON'T YOU?" + +_He._ "OH--I SHALL JUST HAVE TO TALK A LITTLE NONSENSE TO THEM, YOU +KNOW!" + +_She._ "AH--AND NOBODY'S BETTER QUALIFIED TO DO THAT THAN YOURSELF!" + + * * * * * + +THE STOUT SINGER'S SMILE. + + O buxom maiden, blithe and gay, + With movements light and airy, + Some five-and-twenty stone you weigh, + Fair, fat and forty fairy! + + A fairy of the music-halls, + Some men might call you ripping; + In tights, and satin coat and smalls, + You enter, gaily skipping. + + It is not that which brings me joy, + Nor face, nor form entrances, + It is your smile, so very coy, + Your bashful, girlish glances. + + Some twenty years ago, no doubt, + You were a slender maiden, + But now, so long you have been "out," + With weight of years you're laden. + + So when you sing of love-sick grief, + And smile so very sweetly, + I, too, behind my handkerchief, + Smile quite unseen, discreetly. + + The more you sing the more you smile, + Stout charmer, winsome, winning, + Dressed like _Lord Fauntleroy_--meanwhile, + Like Cheshire Cat I'm grinning. + + Then comes the end; you curtsy low, + With looks to heaven soaring; + You are extremely funny so, + I'm positively roaring. + + They clap, they shout, they thump the floor, + These "gents" serenely smoking, + You kiss your hand, smile yet once more, + And leave me simply choking. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday evening, December 4._--Slight coolness +sprung up between Major RASCH and Members in immediate neighbourhood. +STANLEY LEIGHTON observed an insect of unfamiliar appearance +disporting itself on the Major's back. Closer inspection revealed +presence of others, one carefully pricking its way through his +bristling hair. In these days, when microbes are a little too familiar +in their habit, this curious phenomenon led to some uneasiness. + +"Dear me," said Major RASCH, when his attention was delicately called +to matter; "some of 'em must have got out. Only locusts, dear boy; +needn't be frightened; put down question to HERBERT GARDNER as to +importation of Russian hay which is swarming with locusts. GRAND YOUNG +GARDNER absent; engaged in cultivating the influenza microbe; HERBERT +GLADSTONE undertaken to answer question. I know these young Ministers; +sure to pooh-pooh question. So, being an old soldier, prepared +counter-movement; got handful of locusts; clapped 'em into box; +brought 'em down, intending to hand box over to HERBERT. They seem, +however, to have anticipated proceedings. Prized lid off box, and +swarmed all about; looking for wild honey, I suppose. Hope they won't +catch SPEAKER'S eye. Lend us a hand to net a few before they attack +HANBURY." + +If Session goes on much longer will get itself counted out. Members +falling around us like leaves in wintry weather. PRINCE ARTHUR not yet +back; GRANDOLPH off to sunnier climes; JOHN MORLEY, out too soon after +approach to convalescence, gone to break the bank at Monte Carlo; not +likely to be seen here again this side of Christmas. And now BOBBY +SPENCER down; fallen on the field of battle. Came into lobby just +now at usual brisk pace; made his way to Whip's room; drooped on +threshhold. Happily nothing serious; only a passing faint; but +eloquent of strain upon Members in these times. For BOBBY, of course, +the weight is exceptionally heavy. _Nous autres_ come and go; make +holiday when we can get a pair; as often as we have the heart to do +so meet with light negative BOBBY'S touching appeal, "You dine here +to-night?" But for him, always on the spot, his young head full of +State cares, his manly bosom enfolding innumerable State secrets, it +is different. Now the long pending blow suddenly falls, and BOBBY, not +without reminiscence of the elder PITT in an earlier Parliament, fails +at his post--"Young LYCIDAS and hath not left his peer." + + Yet once more, O ye laurels, and once more, + Ye myrtles brown, with ivy never sere, + I come to pluck your berries harsh and crude, + And with forced fingers rude + Shatter your leaves before the mellowing year. + Bitter constraint, and sad occasion dear + Compels me to disturb your season due: + For LYCIDAS is down, down ere his prime. + +"'Compels,'" said the Member for Sark, nothing if not critical. +"Wouldn't you write 'compel'?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PARLIAMENTARY BILLIARD TOURNAMENT. "A LONG BREAK."] + + * * * * * + +"Yes, I should; but MILTON didn't; and, on the whole, I prefer his +style." + +_Business done._--Pegging away at Parish Councils Bill. + +_Tuesday._--Since Parish Councils Bill went into Committee, Mr. G. +has been silent in I don't know how many languages. It is highest +compliment to Minister in charge of a Bill that his Leader should +find it possible not only to refrain from taking part in debate, but +habitually to absent himself through long periods of a sitting. +HENRY FOWLER has earned this distinction. His management of intricate +measure has been excellent; conciliating Opposition without causing +revolt in sensitive ranks on own side. His Parliamentary position +distinctly advanced. + +To-night Mr. G. drawn into fray. It was JOKIM who did it. At opening +of sitting FOWLER resisted Amendment by STRACHEY making it permissible +to transfer parochial trusts to management of Parish Council. After +nearly two hours' debate, RIGBY put up to say that Amendment on same +lines standing further down, in name of the contumacious COBB, +would be accepted. "A put-up job!" cried GOSCHEN, sternly eyeing the +irreproachable RIGBY. + +[Illustration: "A put-up job!"] + +This too much for Mr. G. Sat bolt upright from recumbent position in +which he had listened to debate. His eyes blazed; a Jovelike frown +clouded his brow; his hands moved restlessly, as, leaning a little +forward in attitude to spring, he waited till the unconscious JOKIM, +blinking at other side of table, should sit down. Spoke for only ten +minutes; his energy supernal; his voice, long unused, magnificent. "A +put-up job!" he repeated in scornful tones, with sweeping gesture of +the arm. Drew graphic picture of Editors of new Dictionary coming upon +this phrase in Parliamentary Report citing it, as thus:-- + +"JOB, a put-up." (_The Right Hon. J. Goschen, M.P._) + +Young Bloods behind Front Opposition Bench in historic corner, +whose recesses MELLOR'S glance cannot penetrate, didn't like +this. "Question! Question!" they roared. "It is a very interesting +question," said Mr. G., ready for a tussle with them if they insisted. +Pretty to see JOKIM turn round and rebuke the Young Bloods on back +Benches. He was the object of attack; on his head the vials of +bubbling wrath overflowed. But JOKIM has not lived in House of Commons +all these years without its traditions of high courtesy and respect +due to age and position being ingrained. He was shocked to hear speech +of Leader of House broken in upon with noisy cries of "Question!" and, +though they came from his own camp-followers, he did not hesitate to +administer sharp rebuke. _Business done._--Got into fresh tight place +with Parish Councils Bill. + +_Thursday._--Quite lively to-night. Merriest evening since Home-Rule +Bill left us. Began with SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. GORST, who is thinking +of leaving his property to found almshouses for pious +ex-Solicitor-Generals, is alarmed at probable operation of this Bill. +His prophetic eye sees time when Parish Council of the future will +step in, snap its fingers at him (the Pious Founder); will +probably introduce Conscience Clause in matutinal exercises of aged +ex-Solicitor-Generals. GORST draws up case on back of Orders; presents +it in form of conundrum. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD hugely contemptuous. +Nothing easier than to draw up trust deed in form that should obviate +catastrophe foreseen by GORST'S fervid fancy. + +"Just as easy," he says, "as a boy drawing an animal writes over +it 'This is a lion.' You draw your trust; write 'This is an +Ecclesiastical Charity,' and there you are. It will be out of purview +of the Act." + +This would have been all very well if JESSE COLLINGS had not chanced +to be among audience. Members evidently carried away by SQUIRE OF +MALWOOD'S sophistry. JESSE pulled them up. + +"Supposing," he said, looking unutterably wise, "the boy draws an +animal; writes over it, 'This is a lion,' and it turns out to be an +elephant. Where are you then?" + +House really didn't know; positively staggered. "Just like one of +those questions the _Carpenter_ in 'Through the Looking Glass' used +to ask _Alice_," said GEORGE CURZON. "Floors everybody." Instead of +sitting down and bravely facing difficulty suggested by JESSE'S active +mind, Members, catching sight of SOLICITOR-GENERAL contemplating +nature from Treasury Bench, with one accord turned upon him. Cries of +"RIGBY! RIGBY!" filled Chamber. Everything forgotten in excitement of +this new chase. The lion lay down with the elephant, and the SQUIRE +OF MALWOOD led them. PRINCE ARTHUR, back after a bout of influenza, +joined in chase with boyish energy. HENRY JAMES and JOSEPH answered +from opposite camp. J. G. TALBOT delivered what, judging from his +manner, was a funeral sermon over departed but anonymous friend; only +a sentence heard here and there amid the uproar. SOLICITOR-GENERAL +sat silent, with no other sign of consciousness than an occasional +benevolent shaking of the head when the cry of "RIGBY! RIGBY!" rose to +stormier heights. + +At length PRINCE ARTHUR moved to report progress. With this pistol +at his head, RIGBY rose, and proceeded in his inimitable manner to +deliver an opinion on the case. When lo! the strangest thing of all +happened. Members on Opposition benches, who had made themselves +hoarse in clamouring for RIGBY, now when he coyly yielded to their +flattering insistence on his stating his views, hurriedly left the +House. But they'd had their joke, a joke two hours long. Were not +going to have it spoiled by an anti-climax. + +[Illustration: Baiting the Solicitor-General.] + +_Business done._--None; but a merry night withal. + +_Friday._--More about Charities as affected by Parish Councils Bill. +Opposition got their back up. They love the Bill more than ever; +but they will not let it pass. A great deal said about charity; but +there's no lovingkindness. Encouraged by hunt of last night turn +again upon SOLICITOR-GENERAL. A thirst for information. PRINCE ARTHUR +insinuatingly suggests that House would be happy if RIGBY would +only give his views as to the precise meaning of phrase "parochial +charities." RIGBY affects not to hear. Diligently makes notes on his +brief with preoccupied air. JOSEPH runs in from behind and pulls +the hair of his right hon. friend the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. The SQUIRE, +nothing loath, lets fly from the shoulder. Rumpus; somebody moves +Closure; Chairman takes no notice; at end of two hours Committee +divide. Coming back, approach identical question from slightly +different point of view; talk round it for another two hours. At +twelve o'clock we go home with uneasy feeling that for all practical +purposes, as far as progress of Bill is concerned, we might as well +have stopped there. _Business done._--None. + + * * * * * + +ERRATIC.--There was an odd-looking misprint in _Le Figaro_ for +Wednesday last of an "r" for an "i," so that what was intended for "la +Cour d'assises à Old Bailey" read "la Cour d'assises à Old Barley." +Our friend in _Punch_, "Old BILL BARLEY," would be pleased to find +himself famous in French. + + * * * * * + +THE JUDGMENT OF PARIS.--Death to dealers in death! + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + + Page 282: 'glosing' is an archaic word. + + (Glose) n. & v. See Gloze. Chaucer. + + (Gloze) v. i. [imp. & p. p. Glozed; p. pr. & vb. n. Glozing.] + [OE. glosen, F. gloser. See gloss explanation.] + + 1. To flatter; to wheedle; to fawn; to talk smoothly. Chaucer. + (etc., from Webster's 1913 Online Dictionary). + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +105 December 16, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40204 *** |