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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40204 ***
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Punch, or the London Charivari
+
+Volume 105, December 16, 1893.
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+SEASONABLE SONNET.
+
+(_By a Vegetarian._)
+
+  Yes, Christmas overtakes us yet once more.
+    The Cattle Show has vanished in the mists
+    Of time and Islington, but re-exists
+  In piecemeal splendour at the store.
+  Here, nightly, big boys blue are to the fore
+    With knives and choppers in their greasy fists;
+    And now, methinks, the wight who never lists
+  Yet hears the brass band on the proud first floor.
+  High over all rings "What d'ye buy, buy, buy?"
+    The meat is decked with gay rosette and bow,
+    While gas-jets beckon all the world and wife.
+  A cheerful scene? A ghastly one, say I,
+    Where mutilated corpses hang arow,
+    And in the midst of death we are in life.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AS THEY LIKED IT.--We read of the recent success at Palmer's Theatre,
+New York, of _As You Like It_, with all the parts played by women.
+Of course, everybody knows that this was a complete reversal of the
+practice of the stage in SHAKSPEARE'S own day, when the buskin was
+on the other leg, so to speak; but we are not told if the passage
+"Doublet and hose ought to show itself courageous to petticoat" was
+transposed to "Petticoat ought to show itself courageous to doublet
+and hose."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THIS SETTLED IT.--"He may be irritable," observed Mrs. R., "but
+remember the old saying that 'Irritation is the sincerest form of
+flattery.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ALL IN THE DAY'S WORK.
+
+_Critic._ "HOW'S THE _BOOK_ GOING, OLD MAN?"
+
+_Author._ "OH--ALL RIGHT, I FANCY. THE PRESS HAS NOTICED IT ALREADY.
+YESTERDAY'S _ROSELEAVES_ HAILS ME AS THE COMING _THACKERAY_!"
+
+_Critic._ "AH, _I_ WROTE THAT!"
+
+_Author._ "DID YOU REALLY? HOW CAN I THANK YOU? ON THE OTHER HAND,
+THIS WEEK'S _KNACKER_ SAYS THAT I'VE BEEN FORTUNATELY ARRESTED BY
+MADNESS ON THE ROAD TO IDIOTCY!"
+
+_Critic._ "AH, I WROTE THAT TOO!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PLEA FOR PLEADINGS.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Last week I begged for a chance for the Briefless,
+and the only reply has been, that by a few strokes of the pen the
+Judges have ruined and undone the Junior Bar. On a day which will be
+known henceforth in the Temple as Bad Friday, we read the new Rules,
+by which in future it will be possible to have an action--_without
+pleadings!_ Statement of Claim, Defence, Reply, Rejoinder--all
+disappear into a beggarly "Summons for Directions," that can be drawn
+by a solicitor's office-boy. Of course, amongst the silks, the change
+will, no doubt, be popular. These learned gentlemen can with a light
+heart and a heavy pocket welcome the change, which will get rid of the
+pleadings which it is merely a nuisance to read. But what is to become
+of us whose business it is to draw them?
+
+It may possibly be said that this new arrangement will save the
+pockets of the clients, but what have the Judges to do with that? Does
+anyone imagine litigation to be anything more than a pastime, at which
+those who play ought to be content to pay? In a hard winter, when the
+wolf is consistently at our door, to take the bread out of our mouths
+in this way, is a proceeding which (_pace_ Mr. GLADSTONE) takes the
+cake. I am sure Mr. GOSCHEN will welcome such an expression. In any
+case I appeal, Sir, through you, from the Judges to an enlightened
+paying public.
+
+    Yours faithfully,
+        L. ERNED COUNSEL.
+
+  102, _Temple Gardens, E.C.,_
+           _Dec. 6._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT.--A razor and a _tabula rasa_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOHN TYNDALL.
+
+  BORN AUG. 21, 1820.
+  DIED DEC. 4, 1893.
+
+  HONEST JOHN TYNDALL, then, has played his part!
+  Scientist brain, and patriotic heart
+  Both still in the last sleep, that sadly came,
+  Without reproach to love, or loss to fame.
+  Rest, Son of Science, certain of your meed!
+  Of bitter moan for you there is small need;
+  But England bows in silent sympathy
+  With her whose love, chance-wounded, all may see
+  Steadfast in suffering undeserved as sore.
+  _Punch_ speaks for all true hearts the kingdom o'er
+  When mingling tribute to JOHN TYNDALL'S life
+  With hushed compassion for his bowed but blameless wife
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FEMININE TRIUMPH.--SHEE, Q.C., appointed Judge of the Court of
+Record at Salford. Naturally SHEE likes being courted. Pity it wasn't
+in Wales, as then they would Welshly-and-grammatically speak of
+"appearing before SHEE" as "appearing before _Her_." This is clearly
+an example of the "_SHEE who must be obeyed_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Murch Praised!
+
+    ["Mr. JEROME MURCH, seven times Mayor of Bath, &c., and for
+    thirty years chairman of, &c., has just published a volume,
+    entitled _Bath Celebrities_."]
+
+  _Go to Bath, viâ_ book upon lap;--
+    No Bath bungler is here, but a rare man.
+  You are certain to like this Bath chap;
+    And there never was such a Bath chairman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE.--The Oxford undergraduate who was caught
+red-(paint)-handed, and sent down for a year, forgot, no doubt, that
+_he_ had to be well read, not the town; but a year in the country will
+no doubt make him as fresh as the paint itself. Curiously enough, very
+popular still in his College, which shows no inclination to cut the
+painter!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SOMETHING LIKE A HUNTING RUN."--In the _Pall Mall_ last Thursday
+was the account of a grand run with "the Barlow Hounds." Of course
+_Sandford_ and _Merton_ were on ponies, and out with "their
+beloved tutor's" pack. Mr. BARLOW, of course, is both "Master" and
+"Whipper-in."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TOPER'S TOAST.--"_Pot_-luck!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRIP-LETS.
+
+    [Miss YOUNG writes from North Merton Vicarage to say that her
+    turkeys have taken to step-dancing. "First two young 'toms'
+    bowed politely to one another, then passed on with stately
+    tread, skipped into the air twice in the most ludicrous
+    manner, turned, and repeated the performance."--_See Daily
+    Graphic, December 7._]
+
+  The lion, fleas, and kangaroo,
+  Baboon, and shaving baby too,
+  Have all had shows--here's something new!
+
+  Terpsichore and _Turveydrop_
+  Have taught the turkeycock to hop,
+  To bow politely, skip and flop.
+
+  Like Cheshire cat, I would have grinned,
+  To see the fowl of Western Ind
+  Disport itself like LETTY LIND!
+
+  Enough of barn-and serpent-dance!
+  We'll give the poultry-yard a chance--
+  With _pas de deux_-"_toms_" let us prance!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARITY'S CRUX.--Charity begins at home, we are told. Perhaps. But at
+present, confused by rival claims and conflicting counsels, Charity
+seems to be "all abroad."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CHANGE OF PARTNERS. PRESIDENT CLEVELAND ASKS FOR "JUST
+ONE TURN" WITH MISS FREE TRADE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NEXT HER HEART!"
+
+_Young Muddleigh, who has been out buying underwear for his personal
+use, purchases at the same establishment some flowers for his
+ladyelove--leaving a Note to be enclosed. Imagine Young Muddleigh's
+horror, on returning to dress, to discover that the underwear had
+been sent with the Note, and the Flowers to him! Muddleigh discovered,
+repeating slowly to himself the contents of the Note_:--"PLEASE WEAR
+THESE THIS EVENING, FOR MY SAKE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHANGE OF PARTNERS.
+
+    ["The world should be open to our national ingenuity and
+    enterprise. This cannot be while Federal legislation,
+    through the imposition of a high tariff, forbids to American
+    manufacturers as cheap materials as those used by their
+    competitors.... A measure has been prepared ... embodying
+    tariff reform on the lines herein suggested."--_President
+    Cleveland's Message to Congress_.]
+
+GROVER CLEVELAND _sings_:--
+
+(AIR--"_Are you coming to the dancing?_")
+
+  Oh! there's only one girl in the world for whom I care a dime,
+  And I mean to be her partner--if you'll only give me time.
+  It is nice to see her smiling and a-calling from way over,
+  "Are you coming to the dancing, Mister GROVER, GROVER, GROVER?"
+
+              _Chorus_--Are you coming, are you coming,
+  Are you coming to the dancing, Mr. GROVER, GROVER, GROVER?
+  And I say, I guess I'm coming, Miss Free Trade, dear--as your lover!
+
+  "Come, GROVER, come!" my love will say; "just one turn in the dance,
+  And _we_'ll show all competitors they have but little chance.
+  That's why I love you GROVER, 'cause you're limber in your feet
+  And defy the other fellows, to compete, pete, pete!"
+
+                  _Chorus_--Are you coming, &c.
+
+  Miss Protection, my old partner's a bit _passée, entre nous_,
+  Yet I mustn't all forsake her; she's exacting and a shrew;
+  And to leave her quite a "Wallflower," and entirely in the shade,
+  Would mean ructions; yet I _must_ try just one turn with dear Free Trade!
+
+                  _Chorus_--Are you coming, &c.
+
+  So I'll kiss her little finger, and invite her to the waltz;
+  Though the other turns her nose up (temper's one of her worst faults).
+  But I say, "I cannot help it, dear; you're danced quite off your feet,
+  And a rest will do you good, dear, I repeat, peat, peat!"
+
+                  _Chorus_--Are you coming, &c.
+
+  "The ball-room should be open to a dancer's enterprise.
+  I _must_ try a change of partners; your high-tariff step so tries.
+  It's so stiff, and so exhausting, and a little Freedom's sweet;
+  Whilst _I_ take one turn with Free Trade. _You_ can take a seat, seat, seat!"
+
+                  _Chorus_--Are you coming, &c.
+
+  "Oh! she's been and asked her mother, and her mother's said she might.
+  So sit down and don't show tantrums, for they make you look a fright."
+  _May_ I ask you for just one turn, Free Trade, before this dance is over?
+  And she answers "With much pleasure, Mister GROVER, GROVER, GROVER!"
+
+                  _Chorus_--Are you coming, are you coming,
+  Are you coming for one turn, my dear, before this dance is over?
+  And she smiles--and I'm her partner--and hope soon to be her lover!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"VARIETY! VA-RI-E-TY!"
+
+"The Kilanyi Troupe" at the Palace Theatre of Varieties, with their
+strikingly realistic _Tableaux Vivants_, might well change their name
+_pro tem._ to "The Kill-any-other Troupe" that might be venturing in
+the same line. Of course, they are a great attraction, and would be
+still greater, were the Show varied from night to night, altogether
+omitting No. 6 in the present programme, and, in view of the
+popularity of "A tale of the tide," the humour of which is perceptible
+to everyone on account of the waggery in the tail, by substituting two
+or three comic for the simply classic _poses_. Mr. CHARLES MORTON,
+trading on his acquired store of operatic knowledge, might give us a
+statuette of _Les Deux Gendarmes_, who could just vary their attitudes
+according to the movement of OFFENBACH'S celebrated duett. After a
+short interval of patriotic song about NELSON and "doing duty" there
+is a capital French clown, or clown of some nationality, whose fun is
+genuine, and whose imitations, animal and orchestral, are excellent
+and really amusing. This is a case in which, if a real bassoon or a
+real hen intruded itself, either would be hissed, and the false
+honestly preferred to the real. Altogether, except that the ballet
+which plays the people out, and does play them out effectually, is
+old-fashioned, it is an excellent evening's entertainment. The County
+Council ought to come in their thousands, and, like the little dog who
+was so pleased to see the cow jumping over the moon, they would "laugh
+to see such sport."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNDER THE ROSE.
+
+(_A Story in Scenes._)
+
+SCENE XIX.--_The Drawing-room._ Mrs. TOOVEY _is still regarding_ Mr.
+JANNAWAY, _after the manner of an elderly bird in the presence of a
+young and somewhat inexperienced serpent_.
+
+_Mr. Toovey_ (_coming to the rescue_). Excuse me, young Sir, but
+I don't think you quite realise who that lady _is_. (_With mild
+self-assertion._) She is my wife, Sir, my Wife! And she is not
+_accustomed_ to being hunted all over Upper Tooting, or anywhere else!
+
+_Mr. Jannaway_ (_to himself_). I've got this dear lady on toast. _I_
+can see! But I mustn't do anything ungentlemanly or I may get the sack
+if the governor gets to hear of it. (_Aloud._) If I'm mistaken I'm
+ready to apologise; but the lady bears such a really remarkable
+likeness to a Mrs. TOMKINSON JONES, residing (so she gave me to
+understand) at The Laburnums, Upper Tooting, that----
+
+_Mrs. Toovey_ (_finding her voice_). I do _not_ reside at Upper
+Tooting!
+
+_Mr. Jann._ (_in silky tones_). Precisely _so_, Madam. No more does
+Mrs.--hem--TOMKINSON JONES!
+
+_Charles._ And is _that_ the only point of resemblance between your
+friend Mrs. JONES and my Aunt, eh?
+
+_Mr. Jann._ That's a matter of opinion, Sir. I've my own. But neither
+the lady nor yet myself are particularly likely to forget our meeting.
+It was only last Saturday evening, too!
+
+_Mr. Toov._ Why, then you must have met Mrs. TOOVEY at the Zenana
+Mission Conference?
+
+_Mr. Jann._ Well that isn't the name _I_ know it by; but if the lady
+prefers it, why----
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ (_hoarsely_). I--I deny having ever met the young man
+before, anywhere; that is, I--I don't remember doing so. Take him
+away!
+
+_Mr. Jann._ I should be most averse, of course, to contradicting a
+lady, and I can only conclude that she is so much in the 'abit of
+fetching unoffending strangers what I may venture to term, if
+you'll permit the vulgarity, a slap in the jaw, that such a trifling
+circumstance makes no impression on her. It did on _me_!
+
+_Mr. Toov._ (_outraged_). Young man! are you endeavouring to suggest
+that my wife goes about--er--administering "slaps in the jaw" to
+perfect strangers at Zenana meetings?
+
+_Mr. Jann._ Pardon me, I said nothing whatever about any--er--Pyjama
+meetings. I don't know what may go on _there_, I'm sure. The incident
+_I_ alluded to occurred at the Eldorado music-hall.
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). There; it's out at last! What _have_ I
+done to deserve this?
+
+_Charles_ (_to himself_). The Eldorado! Why, THEA _said_----What _can_
+Aunt have been up to? She's got herself into the very deuce of a hole!
+
+    [CURPHEW _and_ ALTHEA _exchange significant glances_.
+
+_Mr. Toov._ At the Eldorado? Now, do you know that's very
+singular--that really is very singular indeed! You're the _second_
+person who fancied Mrs. TOOVEY was there last Saturday evening! So
+that you see there _must_ have been a lady there most extraordinarily
+like my wife!
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). Dear, good, simple Pa; _he_ believes in
+me! After all, I've only to deny everything; he can't _prove_ I was
+there! (_Aloud._) Yes, Sir, and on a mere resemblance like that you
+have the audacity to bring these shameful charges against me--_me_!
+All you have succeeded in establishing is that you were in the
+music-hall yourself, and I doubt whether your employer would approve
+of a clerk of his spending his time in such places, if it came to his
+ears!
+
+_Mr. Jann._ It's very kind of you to concern yourself on my account,
+Madam; but there's no occasion. It was Mr. LARKINS himself gave me the
+ticket; so I'm not at all uneasy.
+
+[Illustration: "Why, Cornelia, my love, so you've _found_ your
+spectacles!"]
+
+_Mr. Toov._ Why, dear me, that must have been the ticket Mr.
+CURPHEW--I should say, Mr. WALTER WILDFIRE--sent me. I remember I left
+it with Mr. LARKINS in case he could find a use for it. So you were in
+_my_ box; quite a coincidence, really!
+
+_Mr. Jann._ As you say, Sir, and not the only one neither, seeing
+that----
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ Pa, isn't it time this young man finished the business
+he came about, and went away? I am not accustomed to seeing my
+drawing-room made use of as an office!
+
+_Mr. Toov._ (_snatching up the transfer_). By all means, my love.
+(_To_ Mr. J.) Er, I really think we should be more comfortable in the
+study. There--there's a bigger inkstand.
+
+    [_He leads the way to the door._
+
+_Mr. Jann._ (_following_). As _you_ please, Sir. (_Turning at the
+door._) I must say I think I've been most cruelly misunderstood. If
+I've been anxious for the pleasure of meeting Mrs. TOMKINSON JONES
+again, any revengeful motives or lowness of that description was far
+from my thoughts, my sole object being to restore a piece of property
+which the lady, whoever she may have been, left behind her, and which,
+as I 'appen to have brought it with me, would, if recognised, settle
+any question of identity on the spot. But that can wait for the
+present. Business first, pleasure afterwards!
+
+    [_He goes out. A silence. Presently a succession of violent
+    sniffs proceed from behind "The Quiver." All rise in concern._
+
+_Charles._ I say, Aunt, you're not going to give way _now_, are you?
+That fellow hasn't frightened you?
+
+_Alth._ (_kneeling down and embracing_ Mrs. T.). Dearest mamma,
+_don't_ you think you'd better tell us all about it? It was _you_ who
+slapped that horrid little man's face--now, _wasn't_ it? And serve him
+right!
+
+_Mrs. T._ (_in a burst_). I took him for your father! Oh, what have I
+_said_? I never meant to admit anything! And what must you all think
+of me?
+
+_Curph._ No one who has had the benefit of your opinions of
+music-halls or their entertainers, can possibly imagine you went to
+one with any idea of _amusing_ yourself, Mrs. TOOVEY.
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ (_without heeding him_). And Pa, what will _he_ say? When
+I think of all the wicked stories I've had to tell that poor dear man!
+And after he once finds them out, there's an end of all his
+respect for me, all my influence over him, all my power in this
+house--_everything_! Why, for anything _I_ can tell, Pa may actually
+believe I went to that detestable place on what (_to_ CURPHEW) I
+suppose your friends would call the--the (_utterly breaking down_)
+Tee-hiddle-dy-hi!
+
+_Charles_ (_after a highly suspicious fit of choking_). Don't think
+there's any danger of that, Aunt; but look here, how if I went into
+the study and kicked that little cad out, eh?
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ And have the whole affair in the police reports! _You_'re
+a pretty solicitor, CHARLES! But Pa _knows_ by now, and oh, what in
+the _world_ am I to do?
+
+_Charles._ Well, my dear Aunt, it sounds an immoral suggestion, but,
+as you seem to have given Uncle a--hem--slightly picturesque version
+of your doings last Saturday, hadn't you better _stick_ to it?
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ What's the use? Didn't you hear that wretch say he'd
+found something in the box? It's my spectacles, CHARLES; a pair in
+a Rob Roy tartan case, which Pa gave me himself, and couldn't _help_
+recognising! I remember now, I left them there, and----(_The door
+opens._) They're coming back!
+
+_Mr. Toov._ (_entering_). That's really a very honest young fellow, my
+love, nothing will satisfy him but bringing in the article he's found,
+and seeing whether it belongs to you or not.
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ (_breathlessly_). And have _you_ seen it, Pa--have you
+_seen_ it?
+
+_Mr. Toov._ Not yet, dear love, not yet. He's getting it out of his
+great coat in the hall.
+
+_Curph._ (_starting up from behind_ ALTHEA). I think, if you will
+allow me, _I_'ll go and speak to him first. It strikes me that I may
+know the lady who was in that box, and I'm naturally anxious to avoid
+any----
+
+    [_He goes out._
+
+END OF SCENE XIX.
+
+
+SCENE XX.--_A few minutes later._
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, in a fever_). Why doesn't he come back?
+What are those two plotting together? Oh, if Mr. WILDFIRE imagines he
+will get a hold over me, so as to obtain my consent to---- I'd sooner
+tell Pa everything! (_To_ CURPHEW, _who reenters, smiling_.) W--where
+is--the other?
+
+_Curph._ The other? Oh, _he_'s gone. I made myself known to him; and
+you would have been surprised, my dear Mrs. TOOVEY, at the immense
+effect my professional name had upon him. When he realised I was
+WALTER WILDFIRE he was willing to do anything for me, and so I easily
+got him to entrust his find to me.
+
+_Mr. Toov._ (_inquisitively_). And what is it--a fan, or a glove?
+There would be no harm in showing it to _us_, eh?
+
+_Curph._ Well, really, it's so very unlikely to compromise anybody
+that I almost think I _might_. Yes, there can't be any objection.
+
+    [_He takes something out of his pocket, and presents it to_
+    Mr. T.
+
+_Mr. Toov._ (_mystified_). Why, it's only a hairpin! What a
+scrupulously honest young man that is, to be sure!
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ (_relieved_). Only a hairpin? (_Then, uneasily, to_
+CURPH., _in an undertone_.) Where is--you know what? Have you kept it
+to use for your own advantage?
+
+_Curph._ (_in the same tone_). I am a very bad man, I know; but I
+don't blackmail. You will find it behind the card-basket in the hall.
+
+    [Mrs. T. _goes out_; ALTH. _draws_ CURPH. _aside_.
+
+_Alth._ CLARENCE, I--I _must_ know; how did you come to have a--a
+hairpin? where did it come _from_? (_As he softly touches the back of
+her head._) Oh! it was _mine_, then? _What_ a goose I am?
+
+_Mr. Toov._ (_as_ Mrs. T. _returns_). Why, CORNELIA, my love, so
+you've _found_ your spectacles! Now where did you leave them _this_
+time, my dear, eh?
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ Where I shall not leave them _again_ in a hurry,
+THEOPHILUS!
+
+_Mr. Toov._ Don't you be too sure of that, my love. By the way, Mr.
+CURPHEW, that lady of your acquaintance--_you_ know, the one who
+made all this disturbance at the Eldorado--is she at all _like_ Mrs.
+TOOVEY, now?
+
+_Curph._ (_after reflection_). Well, really, there _is_ a
+resemblance--at a distance!
+
+_Mr. Toov._ (_peevishly_). Then it's annoying--very annoying; because
+it might compromise my poor dear wife, you know. I--I wish you could
+give her a quiet hint to--to avoid such places in future!
+
+_Curph._ Do you know, Sir, I really think it will be _quite_
+unnecessary.
+
+    [PH[OE]BE _enters to announce dinner_.
+
+_Mr. Toov._ Dinner, eh? Yes, yes, dinner, to be sure. Mr. CURPHEW,
+will you take in my dau----(_correcting himself_)--oh, but, dear me, I
+was quite forgetting that--h'm!----
+
+_Curph._ ----that Mrs. TOOVEY has been expressing an ardent impatience
+to close your doors on me for ever?
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ (_not over graciously_). That was before---- I mean
+that--considering the manner in which we all of us seem to have been
+more or less mixed up with the music-hall of late--we can't afford to
+be too particular. If Mr. WILDFIRE chooses to stay, he will find as
+warm a welcome as--(_with a gulp_)--he can _expect_!
+
+_Curph._ Many thanks, but I'm sure you see that I can't stay here on
+sufferance. If I do stay it must be as----
+
+_Mrs. T._ As one of the family! (_She chokes._) That--that's
+understood, of course. (_To herself._) They know too much!
+
+_Mr. T._ (_to_ Mrs. T., _chirpily, as the others precede them in
+to dinner_). Do you know, my love, I'd no more idea you would ever
+have---- Well, well, it might have been worse, I daresay. But we must
+never let it get out about the _music-hall_, eh?
+
+_Mrs. T._ Well, Pa, _I_'m not very likely to allude to it!
+
+THE END.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CRYSTAL-GAZING."--The Crystal Palace Company should adapt some of Mr.
+ANDREW LANG'S article on "Superstition" in this month's _Fortnightly_.
+Far more entertaining is the Sydenham building than any amount of
+"Crystal-gazing," and the directors have only to say (we make them
+a Christmas present of the suggestion), quoting from the article
+above-mentioned, "it is an ascertained fact that a certain proportion
+of men and women, educated, healthy," &c., &c., can obtain curious
+information, combined with amusement, by looking into the Crystal ...
+Palace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXAMPLE OF "BURNING WORDS."--Lighting the dining-room fire with the
+torn pages of an old book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR COSTLY CLIMATE.
+
+"HULLO? OFF OUT OF TOWN SOMEWHERE?"
+
+"OFF TO CAIRO, MY BOY!"
+
+"CAIRO? WHY, ONLY THE OTHER DAY YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE AS POOR AS A
+CHURCH MOUSE!"
+
+"THAT'S JUST IT. I'VE SPENT FIVE YEARS' INCOME ON CLOTHING ALREADY
+THIS WINTER, AND I'M NOT WARM YET; AND I'VE CALCULATED THAT IT'LL TAKE
+SEVEN YEARS' INCOME MORE BEFORE I CAN KEEP THE COLD OUT. SO I'M OFF TO
+CAIRO TO STOP AT THE BEST HOTEL--IT'S FAR CHEAPER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POISON IN THE PUMP.
+
+    [A medical writer in the _Gentleman's Magazine_ says, "more
+    people are killed by drinking water than are killed by
+    drinking alcohol."]
+
+  Think of that, teetotal folks, heed not WILFRED LAWSON'S jokes
+    And his gay, impromptu poems which he reads when on the stump,
+  Here's a doctor says that you will indubitably do
+    Quite a foolish thing in swearing by your sweetly sober pump.
+
+  Surely that should give you pause when you advocate your cause,
+    With your button-hole adorned with tiny scrap of sky-blue silk;
+  There's not half the danger in whisky, brandy, rum, or gin,
+    As in typhoid-bearing water or in diphtheritic milk.
+
+  We're not all gin-sodden sots, though we do not empty lots
+    Of those enigmatic bottles, which to you are always dear,
+  Filled with liquor, washy, sweet, aërated. Such a treat
+    Is your execrable lemonade, your beastly ginger-beer!
+
+  Other people do not rave from the cradle to the grave.
+    The Frenchman takes his _petit verre_, his _Bordeaux_ or his _bock_;
+  The German's limpid beer or his _Rheinwein_ none need fear.
+    Even you would not be overcome by claret, say, or hock.
+
+  Then if you are truly wise, you will cease to close your eyes
+    To the fact that moderation is convincing, and should be
+  In your words, as in our drink. Then we might more kindly think
+    Of your thickly, sickly cocoa, and your nerve-exciting tea.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"EUREKA! EUREKA!"--His wife had heard the word. Had been told it was
+Greek: but what it meant she did not know. One night he came home from
+a bachelor smoking-party. "Oh," she exclaimed. "You absolutely reek of
+tobacco. _You reeker!_" Then it broke upon her like an ancient light
+that she was talking Greek without knowing it!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON.
+
+_Precocious Infant._ "HELP YOURSELF, AND PASS THE BOTTLE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CHAMPION SHAVER;
+
+_Or, A Task against Time_.
+
+  _Largo al factotum!_ Shave all the world, one per minute!
+  _Figaro_ beaten, _Poll Sweedlepipe_ plainly not in it!
+  WICK of King's Road, Chelsea's champion chin-scraper, out of it!
+  ROMOLA'S garrulous razor-man whipped, there's no doubt of it!
+
+  Rustic's rough stubble, or working-man's wiry chin-bristle,
+  Mown from his gills in a twinkling, as clean as a whistle.
+  Even a bristly Hibernian boar he would gaily
+  Tackle, and trim him as smooth as that downy young _Bailey_.
+
+  Grand Old Tonsorial Hand with the soft-soap and lather;
+  Knight of the Razor, of hand-sweep redoubtable--rather!
+  PAT--or SHAGPAT-HODGE or BLUEBEARD, blue-gill'd British Workman,
+  Muscovite hairy, or whiskered, moustache-twisting Turkman:
+
+  Downy-cheeked boy, or big, wire-brushy Don Whiskerando!--
+  All one to him! All that sharp steel and soap-lather _can_ do
+  Here is a Barber will buckle to, blade-armed, instanter,
+  Challenge competitive rivals, and win in a canter.
+
+  Neat NELLY WICK (thirteen men in ten minutes) is rather
+  A good 'un to mow, to say naught of her champion father;
+  But this Grand Old Shaver would shave,--against time, too, yes,
+          trust us!--
+  _Elephas Primigenius_ (the Mammoth), or _Brontops Robustus!_
+
+  Truly a Tonsor Titanic to chin-needs to minister!
+  Yet are there some who declare his dexterity sinister;
+  Say that 'tis not without reason this bland badger-waver.
+  And stirrer of soap-suds, is called--well, an Artful Old Shaver.
+
+  Like most of his craft he the Gift of the Gab shares stupendously.
+  And takes by the nose and belathers, with soft-soap, tremendously.
+  They call him for custom from all sorts and sizes a cadger,
+  And swear that he badgers the Mob to submit to his badger.
+
+  Be that as it may--and his rivals do rail at him viciously--
+  _If_ you require "a clean shave," rattled off expeditiously,
+  Lather that's fragrant and frothy, and steel that slides slickly,
+  Sit down in his chair, and he'll polish you off pretty quickly.
+
+  He's had two tough customers lately; a workman stiff-stubbled
+  (He looks at his gills in the glass with a glance slightly
+          troubled),
+  And him the young yokel whose beard's like a big bed of thistles,
+  Who flops in the chair and demands to be shorn of his bristles.
+
+  To shave--against time--such a shag-beard as is this young rustic,
+  Is hard, and the chance of success seems a bit nubibustic.
+  But list! The old Champion Shaver is courteously glosing!
+  "Bit bristly, my friend, but I'll leave you clean-mown before
+          closing!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIGHLY PROBABLE.
+
+(_A Conversation Tapped on its way through the Telephone._)
+
+I say, how are you this morning?
+
+Still rather weak. But the weather here is lovely, and I am enjoying
+myself immensely. I think I have discovered a new system.
+
+Never mind about the tables. Thought you had gone to Nice.
+
+No, Monte Carlo. It's more healthy, and they say that if you have
+success you should clear your expenses easily.
+
+Yes, but I did not want to talk about that. You know there's been more
+outrages in Dublin? They have spread from Paris.
+
+Have they? Get some Johnnie on the spot to look after them.
+
+But I told the House that although you were in the South of France,
+you were in telegraphic touch with your colleagues.
+
+What did you do that for? My doctor will be awfully angry.
+
+I dare say. But what are you going to do about this dynamite scare?
+
+Leave it to ROSEBERY; he's equal to anything and everybody.
+
+Yes, as a rule; but not just now. He's on leave. Bad cold.
+
+Well, let ASQUITH have a shot. He is a rising young man.
+
+But he's away, too; and so is HARCOURT, SPENCER, RIPON, and the
+others. They all say they can do nothing further.
+
+Sorry. Can I help it? Impossible to govern Ireland from Monte Carlo.
+
+Not if you give your mind to it. But, of course, if you will go in for
+systems, you haven't much chance.
+
+Well, frankly, I can't manage it. You must get some one else.
+
+Sorry I can't.
+
+Then what will you do?
+
+Why, manage it myself. After all, if I have twice the years of you
+fellows I have four times the energy. As I am doing all the other work
+of the Ministry, I may as well make a complete job of it. I will do it
+myself!
+
+[Illustration: "THE CHAMPION SHAVER!"
+
+MR. G. "YOU'RE A BIT BRISTLY, SIR, BUT I THINK WE SHALL POLISH YOU OFF
+BEFORE CLOSING TIME!!"]
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+"The ever-advancing _Woman_," observes one of the Baronesses, "has
+quite come forward this Christmas, daintily attired." Wonderful
+money-prizes are to be won by the lucky person who guesses the author
+of "Bid Me not Go," which is the Christmas story of the enterprising
+_Gentlewoman_.
+
+"As for Christmas Cards being Christmassy," quoth a young Baron
+brusquely, "why it's all WALKER!" The Baron was about to rebuke the
+scion of his noble house, but discovered, on application, that the
+youth had been alluding to the Christmas Card publisher of that name,
+whose designs are not peculiarly Christmassy, but what the Baroness
+terms "so dainty!"
+
+S. HILDESHEIMER & Co.'s clever and amusing Christmas Cards will be
+much appreciated by young people.
+
+Three books full of stories, to suit all ages. HUTCHINSON'S House.
+_Fifty-two Stories for Children_, _Fifty-two Stories for Girlhood and
+Youth_, and _Fifty-two Stories for Boyhood and Youth_. Just a story a
+week, will last the year. Collected by ALFRED H. MILES. You won't find
+a better if you go for Miles.
+
+_Valdmer, the Viking_, by HUME NISBET, was a wonderful Dane, who,
+after invading England in the Tenth Century, took a trip from Thanet
+(having invented Ramsgate and Margate) all round America, and thought
+nothing of it. Those who read this will probably think something of
+it.
+
+_The Hoyden_, written by Mrs. HUNGERFORD, and published by HEINEMANN,
+is the story of a rather frivolous nineteenth-century tomboy; "but,"
+quoth the Baroness, "though it does not come within measurable
+distance of _The O'Connors of Ballinahinch_, it is pleasant light
+reading."
+
+_Mr. Gladstone's Life; Told by Himself_, is an alluring title, which,
+in spite of the volume being issued by so respectable a house as KEGAN
+PAUL'S, savours of a flam. But it is genuine enough. Every word in the
+little volume has been spoken or written by Mr. GLADSTONE. Mr. LEECH,
+whilst modestly disclaiming any imposition of responsibility upon
+the PREMIER, has ingeniously linked passages from speeches or letters
+published under his name during the past sixty years. The result is a
+really fascinating work. Mr. GLADSTONE has always been prone to drop
+into autobiography. Nothing, my Baronite tells me, was more delightful
+than the speeches he used to deliver in the House of Commons on
+Friday and Tuesday nights. Some chance reference to CANNING, PEEL,
+or PALMERSTON brought up a flood of recollections, and Mr. G. used to
+chat of old times with the entranced House.
+
+In a pleasant little book called _Essays on Idleness_, the authoress,
+AGNES REPPLIER, speaking of her cat, observes, "It were ignoble to
+wish myself in her place, and yet how charming to be able to settle
+down to a nap, _sans peur et sans reproche_, at ten o'clock in the
+morning." Surely instead of "_sans peur_" she should have written
+"_sans purr_," as far more applicable to a cat asleep.
+
+"HERE is a work that I prize indeed!" quoth the Baron, surveying with
+unmixed pleasure two handsome volumes, readable from every point of
+view of type, handiness, and matter that is of substance and spirit,
+being a re-issue of the immortal _Autocrat of the Breakfast Table_,
+by OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. "Mind you," he continues, tenderly regarding
+them, "though this I admit is an _édition de luxe_, yet do I far
+and away prefer the simple volume without illustrations. Why
+illustrations? Why try to impose on us, as by artistic authority, the
+faces, forms, and the situations that we would infinitely prefer to
+idealise? Without the faculty of imagination no one can enjoy this
+work, pictures or no pictures: possessed of the faculty, what need of
+the illustrations, save so far as they may carry out our own notions
+of the author's meaning? If they do not, then we quarrel with them.
+But many thanks for these two volumes, brought out by Messrs. GAY AND
+BIRD (delightful association of adjective and substantive, as we have
+had afortime occasion to remark); for among all hooks, whether at this
+Christmas Season, when they come in quite with a Charles-Lamblike and
+Washington-Irvingesque flavour, or at any other time, these be most
+welcome to the constant lover of old Literary Friends.
+
+  YULETIDEIAN BARON DE BOOK-WORMS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CONDUCTOR OF HEAT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GAME OF CHANCE.
+
+(_From an Imaginative French Source._)
+
+War had broken out between France and Great Britain. In the
+Mediterranean--owing to several French ironclads having got through
+into the Black Sea and being unable to get out again--the French fleet
+was shut up in Toulon harbour by a powerful English squadron. It was
+just at this time that some curious events were taking place in the
+neighbouring seaside resort of Sablettes-les-Bains, recently purchased
+by an English company, which was running the place as a kind of
+compromise between Boulogne and Monte Carlo.
+
+"_Messieurs, faites vos jeux!_"--was heard the monotonous refrain of
+the burly "Croupier," who, with face rather pale, and a
+preoccupied air, was presiding over one of the numerous games of
+"_Petits-Chevaux_," combined with "_Rouge et Noir_" which were
+proceeding in the gorgeously-upholstered and magnificently-lighted
+"_Salle des Papas Perdus_" of the "_Cercle des Etrangers_" of this
+Paradise of the Middle Sea.
+
+Suddenly the Croupier sprang from his seat, threw off his loose
+outer coat, and displayed the well-known uniform of an Officer in
+Her Majesty's Royal Shropshire Yeomanry Carabineers. All the other
+Croupiers did the same. Astonishment and dismay were depicted on the
+countenances of the players.
+
+"Gentlemen," said the Croupier, "I am sorry to say you are all my
+prisoners. Resist, and you will be shot without mercy!"
+
+"But I had just staked twenty thousand Louis on the black!" ejaculated
+a bewildered Gaul.
+
+"You have lost your stake, Monsieur," replied the Croupier, with
+politeness. "It is red, not black;" and, in a moment, all the English
+visitors who thronged the rooms had also thrown off _their_ overcoats,
+and the hall was filled with red-coats.
+
+"Treachery! _Perfide Alb_----" the Gaul shouted; but ere he could
+rise from his seat to give the alarm to the Toulon garrison, as he had
+fully intended doing, a hundred swords (made in Birmingham) had passed
+simultaneously through his body. Their stakes fell from the trembling
+hands of the players.
+
+"Then are we to understand," asked another Frenchman, who had
+somewhat recovered from the first shock of surprise, "that the English
+Government has suppressed Sablettes-les-Bains because it disapproves
+of the game of _Petits-Chevaux_?"
+
+"Not at all," replied the Croupier-Officer. "It is a military
+_coup-de-main_, that's all. The English company running this place,
+was, of course, in the pay of the British War Office. By a prearranged
+system of signals we have been making known everything that is going
+on at Toulon to the British Admiral out at sea. You may perhaps have
+noticed what an extremely large orchestra took part in last night's
+free classical concert; they were English marines disguised as
+musicians. And the gardens attached to the Casino, which rival those
+of Monte Carlo, what do you think those grassy slopes crowned with
+olives and orange-trees are in reality? Why, the artfully-contrived
+glacis of the impregnable fortress inside which you are now standing,
+and which I have the honour to command!"
+
+Just then the booming of cannon was heard outside.
+
+"It is our guns playing on the defences of Toulon!" exclaimed the
+Officer. "Toulon is ours!"
+
+And the treacherous Britons, having cleared the tables of the
+five-franc pieces still remaining on them, proceeded, with the aid of
+the Germans and Italians, to the dismemberment of France.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Nautical Economy.
+
+["It is no use our building ships without the men to man
+them."--_Times' Correspondent._]
+
+PROVERB suggested by the above:--"Do not spoil the ship for a pound
+of tar."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOVEL PROCEEDING.--New Issue, _Japhet in Search of Something
+Farther_. By MARRIOTT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LAW AND JUSTICE _v._ DUTY "DONE."
+
+(_An Imaginary Conversation._)
+
+  SCENE--_Opposite the Griffin_.
+  TIME--_The present day_.
+  _Enter two well-known personages._
+
+_Justice._ Welcome, Sister. We sometimes are severed, but when we do
+meet the right prevails.
+
+_Law._ Certainly, Sister--to a great extent. And what is the cause of
+our present communion?
+
+_Justice._ I have to call your attention, Sister, to many great works
+of mercy recently performed by wielders of the pen--in fact some of my
+servants.
+
+_Law._ Your servants are noted for their good works.
+
+_Justice._ You are very kind. Well, these good servants have defended
+the poor, protected the weak, and denounced hypocrites.
+
+_Law._ Very right indeed. But how did they manage it without my
+assistance?
+
+_Justice._ You have a short memory. It was with your aid that they
+brought these good things about. Surely you have not forgotten them?
+
+_Law._ Well, since I have been combined with Equity I have been doing
+so much excellent work that I have neither time nor inclination
+for the recording of details. Well, and your _protégés_, were they
+successful?
+
+_Justice._ Certainly; they won all along the line. Never was the power
+of the Press manifested to better advantage.
+
+_Law._ Surely they were not in actions for libel?
+
+_Justice._ Yes; and although they did much good, were practically
+mulcted in costs.
+
+_Law._ Costs! That is in my department!
+
+_Justice._ And not in mine. Costs in such a matter have nothing to do
+with Justice!
+
+_Law._ But (as you say) are inseparably connected with Law!
+
+    [_They part hurriedly._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.]
+
+_She._ "AND YOU'LL HAVE TO MAKE A SPEECH AFTER DINNER, WON'T YOU?"
+
+_He._ "OH--I SHALL JUST HAVE TO TALK A LITTLE NONSENSE TO THEM, YOU
+KNOW!"
+
+_She._ "AH--AND NOBODY'S BETTER QUALIFIED TO DO THAT THAN YOURSELF!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STOUT SINGER'S SMILE.
+
+  O buxom maiden, blithe and gay,
+    With movements light and airy,
+  Some five-and-twenty stone you weigh,
+    Fair, fat and forty fairy!
+
+  A fairy of the music-halls,
+    Some men might call you ripping;
+  In tights, and satin coat and smalls,
+    You enter, gaily skipping.
+
+  It is not that which brings me joy,
+    Nor face, nor form entrances,
+  It is your smile, so very coy,
+    Your bashful, girlish glances.
+
+  Some twenty years ago, no doubt,
+    You were a slender maiden,
+  But now, so long you have been "out,"
+    With weight of years you're laden.
+
+  So when you sing of love-sick grief,
+    And smile so very sweetly,
+  I, too, behind my handkerchief,
+    Smile quite unseen, discreetly.
+
+  The more you sing the more you smile,
+    Stout charmer, winsome, winning,
+  Dressed like _Lord Fauntleroy_--meanwhile,
+    Like Cheshire Cat I'm grinning.
+
+  Then comes the end; you curtsy low,
+    With looks to heaven soaring;
+  You are extremely funny so,
+    I'm positively roaring.
+
+  They clap, they shout, they thump the floor,
+    These "gents" serenely smoking,
+  You kiss your hand, smile yet once more,
+    And leave me simply choking.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday evening, December 4._--Slight coolness
+sprung up between Major RASCH and Members in immediate neighbourhood.
+STANLEY LEIGHTON observed an insect of unfamiliar appearance
+disporting itself on the Major's back. Closer inspection revealed
+presence of others, one carefully pricking its way through his
+bristling hair. In these days, when microbes are a little too familiar
+in their habit, this curious phenomenon led to some uneasiness.
+
+"Dear me," said Major RASCH, when his attention was delicately called
+to matter; "some of 'em must have got out. Only locusts, dear boy;
+needn't be frightened; put down question to HERBERT GARDNER as to
+importation of Russian hay which is swarming with locusts. GRAND YOUNG
+GARDNER absent; engaged in cultivating the influenza microbe; HERBERT
+GLADSTONE undertaken to answer question. I know these young Ministers;
+sure to pooh-pooh question. So, being an old soldier, prepared
+counter-movement; got handful of locusts; clapped 'em into box;
+brought 'em down, intending to hand box over to HERBERT. They seem,
+however, to have anticipated proceedings. Prized lid off box, and
+swarmed all about; looking for wild honey, I suppose. Hope they won't
+catch SPEAKER'S eye. Lend us a hand to net a few before they attack
+HANBURY."
+
+If Session goes on much longer will get itself counted out. Members
+falling around us like leaves in wintry weather. PRINCE ARTHUR not yet
+back; GRANDOLPH off to sunnier climes; JOHN MORLEY, out too soon after
+approach to convalescence, gone to break the bank at Monte Carlo; not
+likely to be seen here again this side of Christmas. And now BOBBY
+SPENCER down; fallen on the field of battle. Came into lobby just
+now at usual brisk pace; made his way to Whip's room; drooped on
+threshhold. Happily nothing serious; only a passing faint; but
+eloquent of strain upon Members in these times. For BOBBY, of course,
+the weight is exceptionally heavy. _Nous autres_ come and go; make
+holiday when we can get a pair; as often as we have the heart to do
+so meet with light negative BOBBY'S touching appeal, "You dine here
+to-night?" But for him, always on the spot, his young head full of
+State cares, his manly bosom enfolding innumerable State secrets, it
+is different. Now the long pending blow suddenly falls, and BOBBY, not
+without reminiscence of the elder PITT in an earlier Parliament, fails
+at his post--"Young LYCIDAS and hath not left his peer."
+
+  Yet once more, O ye laurels, and once more,
+  Ye myrtles brown, with ivy never sere,
+  I come to pluck your berries harsh and crude,
+  And with forced fingers rude
+  Shatter your leaves before the mellowing year.
+  Bitter constraint, and sad occasion dear
+  Compels me to disturb your season due:
+  For LYCIDAS is down, down ere his prime.
+
+"'Compels,'" said the Member for Sark, nothing if not critical.
+"Wouldn't you write 'compel'?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PARLIAMENTARY BILLIARD TOURNAMENT. "A LONG BREAK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Yes, I should; but MILTON didn't; and, on the whole, I prefer his
+style."
+
+_Business done._--Pegging away at Parish Councils Bill.
+
+_Tuesday._--Since Parish Councils Bill went into Committee, Mr. G.
+has been silent in I don't know how many languages. It is highest
+compliment to Minister in charge of a Bill that his Leader should
+find it possible not only to refrain from taking part in debate, but
+habitually to absent himself through long periods of a sitting.
+HENRY FOWLER has earned this distinction. His management of intricate
+measure has been excellent; conciliating Opposition without causing
+revolt in sensitive ranks on own side. His Parliamentary position
+distinctly advanced.
+
+To-night Mr. G. drawn into fray. It was JOKIM who did it. At opening
+of sitting FOWLER resisted Amendment by STRACHEY making it permissible
+to transfer parochial trusts to management of Parish Council. After
+nearly two hours' debate, RIGBY put up to say that Amendment on same
+lines standing further down, in name of the contumacious COBB,
+would be accepted. "A put-up job!" cried GOSCHEN, sternly eyeing the
+irreproachable RIGBY.
+
+[Illustration: "A put-up job!"]
+
+This too much for Mr. G. Sat bolt upright from recumbent position in
+which he had listened to debate. His eyes blazed; a Jovelike frown
+clouded his brow; his hands moved restlessly, as, leaning a little
+forward in attitude to spring, he waited till the unconscious JOKIM,
+blinking at other side of table, should sit down. Spoke for only ten
+minutes; his energy supernal; his voice, long unused, magnificent. "A
+put-up job!" he repeated in scornful tones, with sweeping gesture of
+the arm. Drew graphic picture of Editors of new Dictionary coming upon
+this phrase in Parliamentary Report citing it, as thus:--
+
+"JOB, a put-up." (_The Right Hon. J. Goschen, M.P._)
+
+Young Bloods behind Front Opposition Bench in historic corner,
+whose recesses MELLOR'S glance cannot penetrate, didn't like
+this. "Question! Question!" they roared. "It is a very interesting
+question," said Mr. G., ready for a tussle with them if they insisted.
+Pretty to see JOKIM turn round and rebuke the Young Bloods on back
+Benches. He was the object of attack; on his head the vials of
+bubbling wrath overflowed. But JOKIM has not lived in House of Commons
+all these years without its traditions of high courtesy and respect
+due to age and position being ingrained. He was shocked to hear speech
+of Leader of House broken in upon with noisy cries of "Question!" and,
+though they came from his own camp-followers, he did not hesitate to
+administer sharp rebuke. _Business done._--Got into fresh tight place
+with Parish Councils Bill.
+
+_Thursday._--Quite lively to-night. Merriest evening since Home-Rule
+Bill left us. Began with SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. GORST, who is thinking
+of leaving his property to found almshouses for pious
+ex-Solicitor-Generals, is alarmed at probable operation of this Bill.
+His prophetic eye sees time when Parish Council of the future will
+step in, snap its fingers at him (the Pious Founder); will
+probably introduce Conscience Clause in matutinal exercises of aged
+ex-Solicitor-Generals. GORST draws up case on back of Orders; presents
+it in form of conundrum. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD hugely contemptuous.
+Nothing easier than to draw up trust deed in form that should obviate
+catastrophe foreseen by GORST'S fervid fancy.
+
+"Just as easy," he says, "as a boy drawing an animal writes over
+it 'This is a lion.' You draw your trust; write 'This is an
+Ecclesiastical Charity,' and there you are. It will be out of purview
+of the Act."
+
+This would have been all very well if JESSE COLLINGS had not chanced
+to be among audience. Members evidently carried away by SQUIRE OF
+MALWOOD'S sophistry. JESSE pulled them up.
+
+"Supposing," he said, looking unutterably wise, "the boy draws an
+animal; writes over it, 'This is a lion,' and it turns out to be an
+elephant. Where are you then?"
+
+House really didn't know; positively staggered. "Just like one of
+those questions the _Carpenter_ in 'Through the Looking Glass' used
+to ask _Alice_," said GEORGE CURZON. "Floors everybody." Instead of
+sitting down and bravely facing difficulty suggested by JESSE'S active
+mind, Members, catching sight of SOLICITOR-GENERAL contemplating
+nature from Treasury Bench, with one accord turned upon him. Cries of
+"RIGBY! RIGBY!" filled Chamber. Everything forgotten in excitement of
+this new chase. The lion lay down with the elephant, and the SQUIRE
+OF MALWOOD led them. PRINCE ARTHUR, back after a bout of influenza,
+joined in chase with boyish energy. HENRY JAMES and JOSEPH answered
+from opposite camp. J. G. TALBOT delivered what, judging from his
+manner, was a funeral sermon over departed but anonymous friend; only
+a sentence heard here and there amid the uproar. SOLICITOR-GENERAL
+sat silent, with no other sign of consciousness than an occasional
+benevolent shaking of the head when the cry of "RIGBY! RIGBY!" rose to
+stormier heights.
+
+At length PRINCE ARTHUR moved to report progress. With this pistol
+at his head, RIGBY rose, and proceeded in his inimitable manner to
+deliver an opinion on the case. When lo! the strangest thing of all
+happened. Members on Opposition benches, who had made themselves
+hoarse in clamouring for RIGBY, now when he coyly yielded to their
+flattering insistence on his stating his views, hurriedly left the
+House. But they'd had their joke, a joke two hours long. Were not
+going to have it spoiled by an anti-climax.
+
+[Illustration: Baiting the Solicitor-General.]
+
+_Business done._--None; but a merry night withal.
+
+_Friday._--More about Charities as affected by Parish Councils Bill.
+Opposition got their back up. They love the Bill more than ever;
+but they will not let it pass. A great deal said about charity; but
+there's no lovingkindness. Encouraged by hunt of last night turn
+again upon SOLICITOR-GENERAL. A thirst for information. PRINCE ARTHUR
+insinuatingly suggests that House would be happy if RIGBY would
+only give his views as to the precise meaning of phrase "parochial
+charities." RIGBY affects not to hear. Diligently makes notes on his
+brief with preoccupied air. JOSEPH runs in from behind and pulls
+the hair of his right hon. friend the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. The SQUIRE,
+nothing loath, lets fly from the shoulder. Rumpus; somebody moves
+Closure; Chairman takes no notice; at end of two hours Committee
+divide. Coming back, approach identical question from slightly
+different point of view; talk round it for another two hours. At
+twelve o'clock we go home with uneasy feeling that for all practical
+purposes, as far as progress of Bill is concerned, we might as well
+have stopped there. _Business done._--None.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ERRATIC.--There was an odd-looking misprint in _Le Figaro_ for
+Wednesday last of an "r" for an "i," so that what was intended for "la
+Cour d'assises à Old Bailey" read "la Cour d'assises à Old Barley."
+Our friend in _Punch_, "Old BILL BARLEY," would be pleased to find
+himself famous in French.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE JUDGMENT OF PARIS.--Death to dealers in death!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+  Page 282: 'glosing' is an archaic word.
+
+  (Glose) n. & v. See Gloze. Chaucer.
+
+  (Gloze) v. i. [imp. & p. p. Glozed; p. pr. & vb. n. Glozing.]
+  [OE. glosen, F. gloser. See gloss explanation.]
+
+  1. To flatter; to wheedle; to fawn; to talk smoothly. Chaucer.
+  (etc., from Webster's 1913 Online Dictionary).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+105 December 16, 1893, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40204 ***