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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/4020-h.zip b/4020-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5ff8737 --- /dev/null +++ b/4020-h.zip diff --git a/4020-h/4020-h.htm b/4020-h/4020-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bf3118f --- /dev/null +++ b/4020-h/4020-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,10464 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<HTML> +<HEAD> + +<META HTTP-EQUIV="Content-Type" CONTENT="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> + +<TITLE> +The Project Gutenberg E-text of Arcadian Adventures With the Idle Rich, +by Stephen Leacock +</TITLE> + +<STYLE TYPE="text/css"> +BODY { color: Black; + background: White; + margin-right: 10%; + margin-left: 10%; + font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; + text-align: justify } + +P {text-indent: 4% } + +P.noindent {text-indent: 0% } + +P.poem {text-indent: 0%; + margin-left: 10%; + font-size: small } + +P.letter {text-indent: 0%; + font-size: small ; + margin-left: 10% ; + margin-right: 10% } + +P.transnote {font-size: small ; + text-indent: 0% ; + margin-left: 0% ; + margin-right: 0% } + +P.finis { font-size: larger ; + text-align: center ; + text-indent: 0% ; + margin-left: 0% ; + margin-right: 0% } + +</STYLE> + +</HEAD> + +<BODY> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Arcadian Adventures with the Idle Rich, by +Stephen Leacock + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Arcadian Adventures with the Idle Rich + +Author: Stephen Leacock + +Posting Date: June 4, 2009 [EBook #4020] +Release Date: May, 2003 +First Posted: October 11, 2001 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ACADIAN ADVENTURES, IDLE RICH *** + + + + +Produced by Gardner Buchanan. HTML version by Al Haines. + + + + + +</pre> + + +<BR><BR> + +<H1 ALIGN="center"> +Arcadian Adventures With the Idle Rich +</H1> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +By +</H3> + +<H2 ALIGN="center"> +Stephen Leacock, 1869-1944 +</H2> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H2 ALIGN="center"> +CONTENTS +</H2> + +<TABLE ALIGN="center" WIDTH="80%"> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">I </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap01">A Little Dinner with Mr. Lucullus Fyshe</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">II </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap02">The Wizard of Finance</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">III </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap03">The Arrested Philanthropy of Mr. Tomlinson</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">IV </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap04">The Yahi-Bahi Oriental Society of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">V </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap05">The Love Story of Mr. Peter Spillikins</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">VI </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap06">The Rival Churches of St. Asaph and St. Osoph</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">VII </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap07">The Ministrations of the Rev. Uttermust Dumfarthing</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">VIII </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap08">The Great Fight for Clean Government</A></TD> +</TR> + +</TABLE> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap01"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER ONE: A Little Dinner with Mr. Lucullus Fyshe +</H3> + +<P> +The Mausoleum Club stands on the quietest corner of the best +residential street in the City. It is a Grecian building of white +stone. About it are great elm trees with birds—the most expensive kind +of birds—singing in the branches. +</P> + +<P> +The street in the softer hours of the morning has an almost reverential +quiet. Great motors move drowsily along it, with solitary chauffeurs +returning at 10.30 after conveying the earlier of the millionaires to +their downtown offices. The sunlight flickers through the elm trees, +illuminating expensive nurse-maids wheeling valuable children in little +perambulators. Some of the children are worth millions and millions. In +Europe, no doubt, you may see in the Unter den Linden avenue or the +Champs Elysees a little prince or princess go past with a clattering +military guard of honour. But that is nothing. It is not half so +impressive, in the real sense, as what you may observe every morning on +Plutoria Avenue beside the Mausoleum Club in the quietest part of the +city. Here you may see a little toddling princess in a rabbit suit who +owns fifty distilleries in her own right. There, in a lacquered +perambulator, sails past a little hooded head that controls from its +cradle an entire New Jersey corporation. The United States +attorney-general is suing her as she sits, in a vain attempt to make +her dissolve herself into constituent companies. Near by is a child of +four, in a khaki suit, who represents the merger of two trunk-line +railways. You may meet in the flickered sunlight any number of little +princes and princesses far more real than the poor survivals of Europe. +Incalculable infants wave their fifty-dollar ivory rattles in an +inarticulate greeting to one another. A million dollars of preferred +stock laughs merrily in recognition of a majority control going past in +a go-cart drawn by an imported nurse. And through it all the sunlight +falls through the elm trees, and the birds sing and the motors hum, so +that the whole world as seen from the boulevard of Plutoria Avenue is +the very pleasantest place imaginable. +</P> + +<P> +Just below Plutoria Avenue, and parallel with it, the trees die out and +the brick and stone of the City begins in earnest. Even from the Avenue +you see the tops of the sky-scraping buildings in the big commercial +streets, and can hear or almost hear the roar of the elevated railway, +earning dividends. And beyond that again the City sinks lower, and is +choked and crowded with the tangled streets and little houses of the +slums. +</P> + +<P> +In fact, if you were to mount to the roof of the Mausoleum Club itself +on Plutoria Avenue you could almost see the slums from there. But why +should you? And on the other hand, if you never went up on the roof, +but only dined inside among the palm trees, you would never know that +the slums existed which is much better. +</P> + +<P> +There are broad steps leading up to the club, so broad and so agreeably +covered with matting that the physical exertion of lifting oneself from +one's motor to the door of the club is reduced to the smallest compass. +The richer members are not ashamed to take the steps one at a time, +first one foot and then the other; and at tight money periods, when +there is a black cloud hanging over the Stock Exchange, you may see +each and every one of the members of the Mausoleum Club dragging +himself up the steps after this fashion, his restless eyes filled with +the dumb pathos of a man wondering where he can put his hand on half a +million dollars. +</P> + +<P> +But at gayer times, when there are gala receptions at the club, its +steps are all buried under expensive carpet, soft as moss and covered +over with a long pavilion of red and white awning to catch the +snowflakes; and beautiful ladies are poured into the club by the +motorful. Then, indeed, it is turned into a veritable Arcadia; and for +a beautiful pastoral scene, such as would have gladdened the heart of a +poet who understood the cost of things, commend me to the Mausoleum +Club on just such an evening. Its broad corridors and deep recesses are +filled with shepherdesses such as you never saw, dressed in beautiful +shimmering gowns, and wearing feathers in their hair that droop off +sideways at every angle known to trigonometry. And there are shepherds, +too, with broad white waistcoats and little patent leather shoes and +heavy faces and congested cheeks. And there is dancing and conversation +among the shepherds and shepherdesses, with such brilliant flashes of +wit and repartee about the rise in Wabash and the fall in Cement that +the soul of Louis Quatorze would leap to hear it. And later there is +supper at little tables, when the shepherds and shepherdesses consume +preferred stocks and gold-interest bonds in the shape of chilled +champagne and iced asparagus, and great platefuls of dividends and +special quarterly bonuses are carried to and fro in silver dishes by +Chinese philosophers dressed up to look like waiters. +</P> + +<P> +But on ordinary days there are no ladies in the club, but only the +shepherds. You may see them sitting about in little groups of two and +three under the palm trees drinking whiskey and soda; though of course +the more temperate among them drink nothing but whiskey and Lithia +water, and those who have important business to do in the afternoon +limit themselves to whiskey and Radnor, or whiskey and Magi water. +There are as many kinds of bubbling, gurgling, mineral waters in the +caverns of the Mausoleum Club as ever sparkled from the rocks of +Homeric Greece. And when you have once grown used to them, it is as +impossible to go back to plain water as it is to live again in the +forgotten house in a side street that you inhabited long before you +became a member. +</P> + +<P> +Thus the members sit and talk in undertones that float to the ear +through the haze of Havana smoke. You may hear the older men explaining +that the country is going to absolute ruin, and the younger ones +explaining that the country is forging ahead as it never did before; +but chiefly they love to talk of great national questions, such as the +protective tariff and the need of raising it, the sad decline of the +morality of the working man, the spread of syndicalism and the lack of +Christianity in the labour class, and the awful growth of selfishness +among the mass of the people. +</P> + +<P> +So they talk, except for two or three that drop off to directors' +meetings; till the afternoon fades and darkens into evening, and the +noiseless Chinese philosophers turn on soft lights here and there among +the palm trees. Presently they dine at white tables glittering with cut +glass and green and yellow Rhine wines; and after dinner they sit again +among the palm-trees, half-hidden in the blue smoke, still talking of +the tariff and the labour class and trying to wash away the memory and +the sadness of it in floods of mineral waters. So the evening passes +into night, and one by one the great motors come throbbing to the door, +and the Mausoleum Club empties and darkens till the last member is +borne away and the Arcadian day ends in well-earned repose. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +"I want you to give me your opinion very, very frankly," said Mr. +Lucullus Fyshe on one side of the luncheon table to the Rev. Fareforth +Furlong on the other. +</P> + +<P> +"By all means," said Mr. Furlong. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Fyshe poured out a wineglassful of soda and handed it to the rector +to drink. +</P> + +<P> +"Now tell me very truthfully," he said, "is there too much carbon in +it?" +</P> + +<P> +"By no means," said Mr. Furlong. +</P> + +<P> +"And—quite frankly—not too much hydrogen?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, decidedly not." +</P> + +<P> +"And you would not say that the percentage of sodium bicarbonate was +too great for the ordinary taste?" +</P> + +<P> +"I certainly should not," said Mr. Furlong, and in this he spoke the +truth. +</P> + +<P> +"Very good then," said Mr. Fyshe, "I shall use it for the Duke of +Dulham this afternoon." +</P> + +<P> +He uttered the name of the Duke with that quiet, democratic +carelessness which meant that he didn't care whether half a dozen other +members lunching at the club could hear or not. After all, what was a +duke to a man who was president of the People's Traction and Suburban +Co., and the Republican Soda and Siphon Co-operative, and chief +director of the People's District Loan and Savings? If a man with a +broad basis of popular support like that was proposing to entertain a +duke, surely there could be no doubt about his motives? None at all. +</P> + +<P> +Naturally, too, if a man manufactures soda himself, he gets a little +over-sensitive about the possibility of his guests noticing the +existence of too much carbon in it. +</P> + +<P> +In fact, ever so many of the members of the Mausoleum Club manufacture +things, or cause them to be manufactured, or—what is the same +thing—merge them when they are manufactured. This gives them their +peculiar chemical attitude towards their food. One often sees a member +suddenly call the head waiter at breakfast to tell him that there is +too much ammonia in the bacon; and another one protest at the amount of +glucose in the olive oil; and another that there is too high a +percentage of nitrogen in the anchovy. A man of distorted imagination +might think this tasting of chemicals in the food a sort of nemesis of +fate upon the members. But that would be very foolish, for in every +case the head waiter, who is the chief of the Chinese philosophers +mentioned above, says that he'll see to it immediately and have the +percentage removed. And as for the members themselves, they are about +as much ashamed of manufacturing and merging things as the Marquis of +Salisbury is ashamed of the founders of the Cecil family. +</P> + +<P> +What more natural, therefore, than that Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, before +serving the soda to the Duke, should try it on somebody else? And what +better person could be found for this than Mr. Furlong, the saintly +young rector of St. Asaph's, who had enjoyed the kind of expensive +college education calculated to develop all the faculties. Moreover, a +rector of the Anglican Church who has been in the foreign mission field +is the kind of person from whom one can find out, more or less +incidentally, how one should address and converse with a duke, and +whether you call him, "Your Grace," or "His Grace," or just "Grace," or +"Duke," or what. All of which things would seem to a director of the +People's Bank and the president of the Republican Soda Co. so trivial +in importance that he would scorn to ask about them. +</P> + +<P> +So that was why Mr. Fyshe had asked Mr. Furlong to lunch with him, and +to dine with him later on in the same day at the Mausoleum Club to meet +the Duke of Dulham. And Mr. Furlong, realizing that a clergyman must be +all things to all men and not avoid a man merely because he is a duke, +had accepted the invitation to lunch, and had promised to come to +dinner, even though it meant postponing the Willing Workers' Tango +Class of St. Asaph's until the following Friday. +</P> + +<P> +Thus it had come about that Mr. Fyshe was seated at lunch, consuming a +cutlet and a pint of Moselle in the plain downright fashion of a man so +democratic that he is practically a revolutionary socialist, and +doesn't mind saying so; and the young rector of St. Asaph's was sitting +opposite to him in a religious ecstasy over a <I>salmi</I> of duck. +</P> + +<P> +"The Duke arrived this morning, did he not?" said Mr. Furlong. +</P> + +<P> +"From New York," said Mr. Fyshe. "He is staying at the Grand Palaver. I +sent a telegram through one of our New York directors of the Traction, +and his Grace has very kindly promised to come over here to dine." +</P> + +<P> +"Is he here for pleasure?" asked the rector. +</P> + +<P> +"I understand he is—" Mr. Fyshe was going to say "about to invest a +large part of his fortune in American securities," but he thought +better of it. Even with the clergy it is well to be careful. So he +substituted "is very much interested in studying American conditions." +</P> + +<P> +"Does he stay long?" asked Mr. Furlong. +</P> + +<P> +Had Mr. Lucullus Fyshe replied quite truthfully, he would have said, +"Not if I can get his money out of him quickly," but he merely +answered, "That I don't know." +</P> + +<P> +"He will find much to interest him," went on the rector in a musing +tone. "The position of the Anglican Church in America should afford him +an object of much consideration. I understand," he added, feeling his +way, "that his Grace is a man of deep piety." +</P> + +<P> +"Very deep," said Mr. Fyshe. +</P> + +<P> +"And of great philanthropy?" +</P> + +<P> +"Very great." +</P> + +<P> +"And I presume," said the rector, taking a devout sip of the unfinished +soda, "that he is a man of immense wealth?" +</P> + +<P> +"I suppose so," answered Mr. Fyshe quite carelessly. "All these fellows +are." (Mr. Fyshe generally referred to the British aristocracy as +"these fellows.") "Land, you know, feudal estates; sheer robbery, I +call it. How the working-class, the proletariat, stand for such tyranny +is more than I can see. Mark my words, Furlong, some day they'll rise +and the whole thing will come to a sudden end." +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Fyshe was here launched upon his favourite topic; but he +interrupted himself, just for a moment, to speak to the waiter. +</P> + +<P> +"What the devil do you mean," he said, "by serving asparagus half-cold?" +</P> + +<P> +"Very sorry, sir," said the waiter, "shall I take it out?" +</P> + +<P> +"Take it out? Of course take it out, and see that you don't serve me +stuff of that sort again, or I'll report you." +</P> + +<P> +"Very sorry, sir," said the waiter. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Fyshe looked at the vanishing waiter with contempt upon his +features. "These pampered fellows are getting unbearable." he said. "By +Gad, if I had my way I'd fire the whole lot of them: lock 'em out, put +'em on the street. That would teach 'em. Yes, Furlong, you'll live to +see it that the whole working-class will one day rise against the +tyranny of the upper classes, and society will be overwhelmed." +</P> + +<P> +But if Mr. Fyshe had realized that at that moment, in the kitchen of +the Mausoleum Club, in those sacred precincts themselves, there was a +walking delegate of the Waiters' International Union leaning against a +sideboard, with his bowler hat over one corner of his eye, and talking +to a little group of the Chinese philosophers, he would have known that +perhaps the social catastrophe was a little nearer than even he +suspected. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +"Are you inviting anyone else tonight?" asked Mr. Furlong. +</P> + +<P> +"I should have liked to ask your father," said Mr. Fyshe, "but +unfortunately he is out of town." +</P> + +<P> +What Mr. Fyshe really meant was, "I am extremely glad not to have to +ask your father, whom I would not introduce to the Duke on any account." +</P> + +<P> +Indeed, Mr. Furlong, senior, the father of the rector of St. Asaph's, +who was President of the New Amalgamated Hymnal Corporation, and +Director of the Hosanna Pipe and Steam Organ, Limited, was entirely the +wrong man for Mr. Fyshe's present purpose. In fact, he was reputed to +be as smart a man as ever sold a Bible. At this moment he was out of +town, busied in New York with the preparation of the plates of his new +Hindu Testament (copyright); but had he learned that a duke with +several millions to invest was about to visit the city, he would not +have left it for the whole of Hindustan. +</P> + +<P> +"I suppose you are asking Mr. Boulder," said the rector. +</P> + +<P> +"No," answered Mr. Fyshe very decidedly, dismissing the name absolutely. +</P> + +<P> +Indeed, there was even better reason not to introduce Mr. Boulder to +the Duke. Mr. Fyshe had made that sort of mistake once, and never +intended to make it again. It was only a year ago, on the occasion of +the visit of young Viscount FitzThistle to the Mausoleum Club, that Mr. +Fyshe had introduced Mr. Boulder to the Viscount and had suffered +grievously thereby. For Mr. Boulder had no sooner met the Viscount than +he invited him up to his hunting-lodge in Wisconsin, and that was the +last thing known of the investment of the FitzThistle fortune. +</P> + +<P> +This Mr. Boulder of whom Mr. Fyshe spoke might indeed have been seen at +that moment at a further table of the lunch room eating a solitary +meal, an oldish man with a great frame suggesting broken strength, with +a white beard and with falling under-eyelids that made him look as if +he were just about to cry. His eyes were blue and far away, and his +still, mournful face and his great bent shoulders seemed to suggest all +the power and mystery of high finance. +</P> + +<P> +Gloom indeed hung over him. For, when one heard him talk of listed +stocks and cumulative dividends, there was as deep a tone in his quiet +voice as if he spoke of eternal punishment and the wages of sin. +</P> + +<P> +Under his great hands a chattering viscount, or a sturdy duke, or a +popinjay Italian marquis was as nothing. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Boulder's methods with titled visitors investing money in America +were deep. He never spoke to them of money, not a word. He merely +talked of the great American forest—he had been born sixty-five years +back, in a lumber state—and, when he spoke of primeval trees and the +howl of the wolf at night among the pines, there was the stamp of +reality about it that held the visitor spellbound; and when he fell to +talking of his hunting-lodge far away in the Wisconsin timber, duke, +earl, or baron that had ever handled a double-barrelled express rifle +listened and was lost. +</P> + +<P> +"I have a little place," Mr. Boulder would say in his deep tones that +seemed almost like a sob, "a sort of shooting box, I think you'd call +it, up in Wisconsin; just a plain place"—he would add, almost +crying—"made of logs." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, really," the visitor would interject, "made of logs. By Jove, how +interesting!" +</P> + +<P> +All titled people are fascinated at once with logs, and Mr. Boulder +knew it—at least subconsciously. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, logs," he would continue, still in deep sorrow; "just the plain +cedar, not squared, you know, the old original timber; I had them cut +right out of the forest." +</P> + +<P> +By this time the visitor's excitement was obvious. "And is there game +there?" he would ask. +</P> + +<P> +"We have the timber-wolf," said Mr. Boulder, his voice half choking at +the sadness of the thing, "and of course the jack wolf and the lynx." +</P> + +<P> +"And are they ferocious?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, extremely so—quite uncontrollable." +</P> + +<P> +On which the titled visitor was all excitement to start for Wisconsin +at once, even before Mr. Boulder's invitation was put in words. +</P> + +<P> +And when he returned a week later, all tanned and wearing +bush-whackers' boots, and covered with wolf bites, his whole available +fortune was so completely invested in Mr. Boulder's securities that you +couldn't have shaken twenty-five cents out of him upside down. +</P> + +<P> +Yet the whole thing had been done merely incidentally round a big fire +under the Wisconsin timber, with a dead wolf or two lying in the snow. +</P> + +<P> +So no wonder that Mr. Fyshe did not propose to invite Mr. Boulder to +his little dinner. No, indeed. In fact, his one aim was to keep Mr. +Boulder and his log house hidden from the Duke. +</P> + +<P> +And equally no wonder that as soon as Mr. Boulder read of the Duke's +arrival in New York, and saw by the <I>Commercial Echo and Financial +Undertone</I> that he might come to the City looking for investments, he +telephoned at once to his little place in Wisconsin—which had, of +course, a primeval telephone wire running to it—and told his steward +to have the place well aired and good fires lighted; and he especially +enjoined him to see if any of the shanty men thereabouts could catch a +wolf or two, as he might need them. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +"Is no one else coming then?" asked the rector. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh yes. President Boomer of the University. We shall be a party of +four. I thought the Duke might be interested in meeting Boomer. He may +care to hear something of the archaeological remains of the continent." +</P> + +<P> +If the Duke did so care, he certainly had a splendid chance in meeting +the gigantic Dr. Boomer, the president of Plutoria University. +</P> + +<P> +If he wanted to know anything of the exact distinction between the +Mexican Pueblo and the Navajo tribal house, he had his opportunity +right now. If he was eager to hear a short talk—say half an hour—on +the relative antiquity of the Neanderthal skull and the gravel deposits +of the Missouri, his chance had come. He could learn as much about the +stone age and the bronze age, in America, from President Boomer, as he +could about the gold age and the age of paper securities from Mr. Fyshe +and Mr. Boulder. +</P> + +<P> +So what better man to meet a duke than an archaeological president? +</P> + +<P> +And if the Duke should feel inclined, as a result of his American visit +(for Dr. Boomer, who knew everything, understood what the Duke had come +for), inclined, let us say, to endow a chair in Primitive Anthropology, +or do any useful little thing of the sort, that was only fair business +all round; or if he even was willing to give a moderate sum towards the +general fund of Plutoria University—enough, let us say, to enable the +president to dismiss an old professor and hire a new one—that surely +was reasonable enough. +</P> + +<P> +The president, therefore, had said yes to Mr. Fyshe's invitation with +alacrity, and had taken a look through the list of his more incompetent +professors to refresh his memory. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +The Duke of Dulham had landed in New York five days before and had +looked round eagerly for a field of turnips, but hadn't seen any. He +had been driven up Fifth Avenue and had kept his eyes open for +potatoes, but there were none. Nor had he seen any shorthorns in +Central Park, nor any Southdowns on Broadway. For the Duke, of course, +like all dukes, was agricultural from his Norfolk jacket to his +hobnailed boots. +</P> + +<P> +At his restaurant he had cut a potato in two and sent half of it to the +head waiter to know if it was Bermudian. It had all the look of an +early Bermudian, but the Duke feared from the shading of it that it +might be only a late Trinidad. And the head waiter sent it to the chef, +mistaking it for a complaint, and the chef sent it back to the Duke +with a message that it was not a Bermudian but a Prince Edward Island. +And the Duke sent his compliments to the chef, and the chef sent his +compliments to the Duke. And the Duke was so pleased at learning this +that he had a similar potato wrapped up for him to take away, and +tipped the head waiter twenty-five cents, feeling that in an +extravagant country the only thing to do is to go the people one +better. So the Duke carried the potato round for five days in New York +and showed it to everybody. But beyond this he got no sign of +agriculture out of the place at all. No one who entertained him seemed +to know what the beef that they gave him had been fed on; no one, even +in what seemed the best society, could talk rationally about preparing +a hog for the breakfast table. People seemed to eat cauliflower without +distinguishing the Denmark variety from the Oldenburg, and few, if any, +knew Silesian bacon even when they tasted it. And when they took the +Duke out twenty-five miles into what was called the country, there were +still no turnips, but only real estate, and railway embankments, and +advertising signs; so that altogether the obvious and visible decline +of American agriculture in what should have been its leading centre +saddened the Duke's heart. Thus the Duke passed four gloomy days. +Agriculture vexed him, and still more, of course, the money concerns +which had brought him to America. +</P> + +<P> +Money is a troublesome thing. But it has got to be thought about even +by those who were not brought up to it. If, on account of money +matters, one has been driven to come over to America in the hope of +borrowing money, the awkwardness of how to go about it naturally makes +one gloomy and preoccupied. Had there been broad fields of turnips to +walk in and Holstein cattle to punch in the ribs, one might have +managed to borrow it in the course of gentlemanly intercourse, as from +one cattle-man to another. But in New York, amid piles of masonry and +roaring street-traffic and glittering lunches and palatial residences +one simply couldn't do it. +</P> + +<P> +Herein lay the truth about the Duke of Dulham's visit and the error of +Mr. Lucullus Fyshe. Mr. Fyshe was thinking that the Duke had come to +<I>lend</I> money. In reality he had come to <I>borrow</I> it. In fact, the Duke +was reckoning that by putting a second mortgage on Dulham Towers for +twenty thousand sterling, and by selling his Scotch shooting and +leasing his Irish grazing and sub-letting his Welsh coal rent he could +raise altogether a hundred thousand pounds. This for a duke, is an +enormous sum. If he once had it he would be able to pay off the first +mortgage on Dulham Towers, buy in the rights of the present tenant of +the Scotch shooting and the claim of the present mortgagee of the Irish +grazing, and in fact be just where he started. This is ducal finance, +which moves always in a circle. +</P> + +<P> +In other words the Duke was really a poor man—not poor in the American +sense, where poverty comes as a sudden blighting stringency, taking the +form of an inability to get hold of a quarter of a million dollars, no +matter how badly one needs it, and where it passes like a storm-cloud +and is gone, but poor in that permanent and distressing sense known +only to the British aristocracy. The Duke's case, of course, was +notorious, and Mr. Fyshe ought to have known of it. The Duke was so +poor that the Duchess was compelled to spend three or four months every +year at a fashionable hotel on the Riviera simply to save money, and +his eldest son, the young Marquis of Beldoodle, had to put in most of +his time shooting big game in Uganda, with only twenty or twenty-five +beaters, and with so few carriers and couriers and such a dearth of +elephant men and hyena boys that the thing was a perfect scandal. The +Duke indeed was so poor that a younger son, simply to add his efforts +to those of the rest, was compelled to pass his days in mountain +climbing in the Himalayas, and the Duke's daughter was obliged to pay +long visits to minor German princesses, putting up with all sorts of +hardship. And while the ducal family wandered about in this +way—climbing mountains, and shooting hyenas, and saving money, the +Duke's place or seat, Dulham Towers, was practically shut up, with no +one in it but servants and housekeepers and gamekeepers and tourists; +and the picture galleries, except for artists and visitors and +villagers, were closed; and the town house, except for the presence of +servants and tradesmen and secretaries, was absolutely shut. But the +Duke knew that rigid parsimony of this sort, if kept up for a +generation or two, will work wonders, and this sustained him; and the +Duchess knew it, and it sustained her; in fact, all the ducal family, +knowing that it was only a matter of a generation or two, took their +misfortune very cheerfully. +</P> + +<P> +The only thing that bothered the Duke was borrowing money. This was +necessary from time to time when loans or mortgages fell in, but he +hated it. It was beneath him. His ancestors had often taken money, but +had never borrowed it, and the Duke chafed under the necessity. There +was something about the process that went against the grain. To sit +down in pleasant converse with a man, perhaps almost a gentleman, and +then lead up to the subject and take his money from him, seemed to the +Duke's mind essentially low. He could have understood knocking a man +over the head with a fire shovel and taking his money, but not +borrowing it. +</P> + +<P> +So the Duke had come to America, where borrowing is notoriously easy. +Any member of the Mausoleum Club, for instance, would borrow fifty +cents to buy a cigar, or fifty thousand dollars to buy a house, or five +millions to buy a railroad with complete indifference, and pay it back, +too, if he could, and think nothing of it. In fact, ever so many of the +Duke's friends were known to have borrowed money in America with +magical ease, pledging for it their seats or their pictures, or one of +their daughters—anything. +</P> + +<P> +So the Duke knew it must be easy. And yet, incredible as it may seem, +he had spent four days in New York, entertained everywhere, and made +much of, and hadn't borrowed a cent. He had been asked to lunch in a +Riverside palace, and, fool that he was, had come away without so much +as a dollar to show for it. He had been asked to a country house on the +Hudson, and, like an idiot—he admitted it himself—hadn't asked his +host for as much as his train fare. He had been driven twice round +Central Park in a motor and had been taken tamely back to his hotel not +a dollar the richer. The thing was childish, and he knew it. But to +save his life the Duke didn't know how to begin. None of the things +that he was able to talk about seemed to have the remotest connection +with the subject of money. The Duke was able to converse reasonably +well over such topics as the approaching downfall of England (they had +talked of it at Dulham Towers for sixty years), or over the duty of +England towards China, or the duty of England to Persia, or its duty to +aid the Young Turk Movement, and its duty to check the Old Servia +agitation. The Duke became so interested in these topics and in +explaining that while he had never been a Little Englander he had +always been a Big Turk, and that he stood for a Small Bulgaria and a +Restricted Austria, that he got further and further away from the topic +of money, which was what he really wanted to come to; and the Duke rose +from his conversations with a look of such obvious distress on his face +that everybody realized that his anxiety about England was killing him. +</P> + +<P> +And then suddenly light had come. It was on his fourth day in New York +that he unexpectedly ran into the Viscount Belstairs (they had been +together as young men in Nigeria, and as middle-aged men in St. +Petersburg), and Belstairs, who was in abundant spirits and who was +returning to England on the <I>Gloritania</I> at noon the next day, +explained to the Duke that he had just borrowed fifty thousand pounds, +on security that wouldn't be worth a halfpenny in England. +</P> + +<P> +And the Duke said with a sigh, "How the deuce do you do it. Belstairs?" +</P> + +<P> +"Do what?" +</P> + +<P> +"Borrow it," said the Duke. "How do you manage to get people to talk +about it? Here I am wanting to borrow a hundred thousand, and I'm +hanged if I can even find an opening." +</P> + +<P> +At which the Viscount had said, "Pooh, pooh! you don't need any +opening. Just borrow it straight out—ask for it across a dinner table, +just as you'd ask for a match; they think nothing of it here." +</P> + +<P> +"Across the dinner table?" repeated the Duke, who was a literal man. +</P> + +<P> +"Certainly," said the Viscount. "Not too soon, you know—say after a +second glass of wine. I assure you it's absolutely nothing." +</P> + +<P> +And it was just at that moment that a telegram was handed to the Duke +from Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, praying him, as he was reported to be visiting +the next day the City where the Mausoleum Club stands, to make +acquaintance with him by dining at that institution. +</P> + +<P> +And the Duke, being as I say a literal man, decided that just as soon +as Mr. Fyshe should give him a second glass of wine, that second glass +should cost Mr. Fyshe a hundred thousand pounds sterling. +</P> + +<P> +And oddly enough, at about the same moment, Mr. Fyshe was calculating +that provided he could make the Duke drink a second glass of the +Mausoleum champagne, that glass would cost the Duke about five million +dollars. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +So the very morning after that the Duke had arrived on the New York +express in the City; and being an ordinary, democratic, commercial sort +of place, absorbed in its own affairs, it made no fuss over him +whatever. The morning edition of the <I>Plutopian Citizen</I> simply said, +"We understand that the Duke of Dulham arrives at the Grand Palaver +this morning," after which it traced the Duke's pedigree back to Jock +of Ealing in the twelfth century and let the matter go at that; and the +noon edition of the <I>People's Advocate</I> merely wrote, "We learn that +Duke Dulham is in town. He is a relation of Jack Ealing." But the +<I>Commercial Echo and Financial Undertone</I>, appearing at four o'clock, +printed in its stock-market columns the announcement: "We understand +that the Duke of Dulham, who arrives in town today, is proposing to +invest a large sum of money in American Industrials." +</P> + +<P> +And, of course, that announcement reached every member of the Mausoleum +Club within twenty minutes. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +The Duke of Dulham entered the Mausoleum Club that evening at exactly +seven of the clock. He was a short, thick man with a shaven face, red +as a brick, and grizzled hair, and from the look of him he could have +got a job at sight in any lumber camp in Wisconsin. He wore a dinner +jacket, just like an ordinary person, but even without his Norfolk coat +and his hobnailed boots there was something in the way in which he +walked up the long main hall of the Mausoleum Club that every imported +waiter in the place recognized in an instant. +</P> + +<P> +The Duke cast his eye about the club and approved of it. It seemed to +him a modest, quiet place, very different from the staring ostentation +that one sees too often in a German hof or an Italian palazzo. He liked +it. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Fyshe and Mr. Furlong were standing in a deep alcove or bay where +there was a fire and india-rubber trees and pictures with shaded lights +and a whiskey-and-soda table. There the Duke joined them. Mr. Fyshe he +had met already that afternoon at the Palaver, and he called him +"Fyshe" as if he had known him forever; and indeed, after a few minutes +he called the rector of St. Asaph's simply "Furlong," for he had been +familiar with the Anglican clergy in so many parts of the world that he +knew that to attribute any peculiar godliness to them, socially, was +the worst possible taste. +</P> + +<P> +"By Jove," said the Duke, turning to tap the leaf of a rubber tree with +his finger, "that fellow's a Nigerian, isn't he?" +</P> + +<P> +"I hardly know," said Mr. Fyshe, "I imagine so"; and he added, "You've +been in Nigeria, Duke?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, some years ago," said the Duke, "after big game, you know—fine +place for it." +</P> + +<P> +"Did you get any?" asked Mr. Fyshe. +</P> + +<P> +"Not much," said the Duke; "a hippo or two." +</P> + +<P> +"Ah," said Mr. Fyshe. +</P> + +<P> +"And, of course, now and then a giro," the Duke went on, and added, "My +sister was luckier, though; she potted a rhino one day, straight out of +a doolie; I call that rather good." +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Fyshe called it that too. +</P> + +<P> +"Ah, now here's a good thing," the Duke went on, looking at a picture. +He carried in his waistcoat pocket an eyeglass that he used for +pictures and for Tamworth hogs, and he put it to his eye with one hand, +keeping the other in the left pocket of his jacket; "and this—this is +a very good thing." +</P> + +<P> +"I believe so," said Mr. Fyshe. +</P> + +<P> +"You really have some awfully good things here," continued the Duke. He +had seen far too many pictures in too many places ever to speak of +"values" or "compositions" or anything of that sort. The Duke merely +looked at a picture and said, "Now here's a good thing," or "Ah! here +now is a very good thing," or, "I say, here's a really good thing." +</P> + +<P> +No one could get past this sort of criticism. The Duke had long since +found it bullet-proof. +</P> + +<P> +"They showed me some rather good things in New York," he went on, "but +really the things you have here seem to be awfully good things." +</P> + +<P> +Indeed, the Duke was truly pleased with the pictures, for something in +their composition, or else in the soft, expensive light that shone on +them, enabled him to see in the distant background of each a hundred +thousand sterling. And that is a very beautiful picture indeed. +</P> + +<P> +"When you come to our side of the water, Fyshe," said the Duke, "I must +show you my Botticelli." +</P> + +<P> +Had Mr. Fyshe, who knew nothing of art, expressed his real thought, he +would have said, "Show me your which?" But he only answered, "I shall +be delighted to see it." +</P> + +<P> +In any case there was no time to say more, for at this moment the +portly figure and the great face of Dr. Boomer, president of Plutoria +University, loomed upon them. And with him came a great burst of +conversation that blew all previous topics into fragments. He was +introduced to the Duke, and shook hands with Mr. Furlong, and talked to +both of them, and named the kind of cocktail that he wanted, all in one +breath, and in the very next he was asking the Duke about the +Babylonian hieroglyphic bricks that his grandfather, the thirteenth +Duke, had brought home from the Euphrates, and which every +archaeologist knew were preserved in the Duke's library at Dulham +Towers. And though the Duke hadn't known about the bricks himself, he +assured Dr. Boomer that his grandfather had collected some really good +things, quite remarkable. +</P> + +<P> +And the Duke, having met a man who knew about his grandfather, felt in +his own element. In fact, he was so delighted with Dr. Boomer and the +Nigerian rubber tree and the shaded pictures and the charm of the whole +place and the certainty that half a million dollars was easily findable +in it, that he put his eyeglass back in his pocket and said. +</P> + +<P> +"A charming club you have here, really most charming." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," said Mr. Fyshe, in a casual tone, "a comfortable place, we like +to think." +</P> + +<P> +But if he could have seen what was happening below in the kitchens of +the Mausoleum Club, Mr. Fyshe would have realized that just then it was +turning into a most uncomfortable place. +</P> + +<P> +For the walking delegate with his hat on sideways, who had haunted it +all day, was busy now among the assembled Chinese philosophers, writing +down names and distributing strikers' cards of the International Union +and assuring them that the "boys" of the Grand Palaver had all walked +out at seven, and that all the "boys" of the Commercial and the Union +and of every restaurant in town were out an hour ago. +</P> + +<P> +And the philosophers were taking their cards and hanging up their +waiters' coats and putting on shabby jackets and bowler hats, worn +sideways, and changing themselves by a wonderful transformation from +respectable Chinese to slouching loafers of the lowest type. +</P> + +<P> +But Mr. Fyshe, being in an alcove and not in the kitchens, saw nothing +of these things. Not even when the head waiter, shaking with +apprehension, appeared with cocktails made by himself, in glasses that +he himself had had to wipe, did Mr. Fyshe, absorbed in the easy +urbanity of the Duke, notice that anything was amiss. +</P> + +<P> +Neither did his guests. For Dr. Boomer, having discovered that the Duke +had visited Nigeria, was asking him his opinion of the famous Bimbaweh +remains of the lower Niger. The Duke confessed that he really hadn't +noticed them, and the Doctor assured him that Strabo had indubitably +mentioned them (he would show the Duke the very passage), and that they +apparently lay, if his memory served him, about halfway between Oohat +and Ohat; whether above Oohat and below Ohat or above Ohat and below +Oohat he would not care to say for a certainty; for that the Duke must +wait till the president had time to consult his library. +</P> + +<P> +And the Duke was fascinated forthwith with the president's knowledge of +Nigerian geography, and explained that he had once actually descended +from below Timbuctoo to Oohat in a doolie manned only by four swats. +</P> + +<P> +So presently, having drunk the cocktails, the party moved solemnly in a +body from the alcove towards the private dining-room upstairs, still +busily talking of the Bimbaweh remains, and the swats, and whether the +doolie was, or was not, the original goatskin boat of the book of +Genesis. +</P> + +<P> +And when they entered the private dining-room with its snow-white table +and cut glass and flowers (as arranged by a retreating philosopher now +heading towards the Gaiety Theatre with his hat over his eyes), the +Duke again exclaimed, +</P> + +<P> +"Really, you have a most comfortable club—delightful." +</P> + +<P> +So they sat down to dinner, over which Mr. Furlong offered up a grace +as short as any that are known even to the Anglican clergy. And the +head waiter, now in deep distress—for he had been sending out +telephone messages in vain to the Grand Palaver and the Continental, +like the captain of a sinking ship—served oysters that he had opened +himself and poured Rhine wine with a trembling hand. For he knew that +unless by magic a new chef and a waiter or two could be got from the +Palaver, all hope was lost. +</P> + +<P> +But the guests still knew nothing of his fears. Dr. Boomer was eating +his oysters as a Nigerian hippo might eat up the crew of a doolie, in +great mouthfuls, and commenting as he did so upon the luxuriousness of +modern life. +</P> + +<P> +And in the pause that followed the oysters he illustrated for the Duke +with two pieces of bread the essential difference in structure between +the Mexican <I>pueblo</I> and the tribal house of the Navajos, and lest the +Duke should confound either or both of them with the adobe hut of the +Bimbaweh tribes he showed the difference at once with a couple of +olives. +</P> + +<P> +By this time, of course, the delay in the service was getting +noticeable. Mr. Fyshe was directing angry glances towards the door, +looking for the reappearance of the waiter, and growling an apology to +his guests. But the president waved the apology aside. +</P> + +<P> +"In my college days," he said, "I should have considered a plate of +oysters an ample meal. I should have asked for nothing more. We eat," +he said, "too much." +</P> + +<P> +This, of course, started Mr. Fyshe on his favourite topic. "Luxury!" he +exclaimed, "I should think so! It is the curse of the age. The +appalling growth of luxury, the piling up of money, the ease with which +huge fortunes are made" (Good! thought the Duke, here we are coming to +it), "these are the things that are going to ruin us. Mark my words, +the whole thing is bound to end in a tremendous crash. I don't mind +telling you, Duke—my friends here, I am sure, know it already—that I +am more or less a revolutionary socialist. I am absolutely convinced, +sir, that our modern civilization will end in a great social +catastrophe. Mark what I say"—and here Mr. Fyshe became exceedingly +impressive—"a great social catastrophe. Some of us may not live to see +it, perhaps; but you, for instance, Furlong, are a younger man; you +certainly will." +</P> + +<P> +But here Mr. Fyshe was understating the case. They were all going to +live to see it, right on the spot. +</P> + +<P> +For it was just at this moment, when Mr. Fyshe was talking of the +social catastrophe and explaining with flashing eyes that it was bound +to come, that it came; and when it came it lit, of all places in the +world, right there in the private dining-room of the Mausoleum Club. +</P> + +<P> +For the gloomy head waiter re-entered and leaned over the back of Mr. +Fyshe's chair and whispered to him. +</P> + +<P> +"Eh? what?" said Mr. Fyshe. +</P> + +<P> +The head waiter, his features stricken with inward agony, whispered +again. +</P> + +<P> +"The infernal, damn scoundrels!" said Mr. Fyshe, starting back in his +chair. "On strike: in this club! It's an outrage!" +</P> + +<P> +"I'm very sorry sir. I didn't like to tell you, sir. I'd hoped I might +have got help from the outside, but it seems, sir, the hotels are all +the same way." +</P> + +<P> +"Do you mean to say," said Mr. Fyshe, speaking very slowly, "that there +is no dinner?" +</P> + +<P> +"I'm sorry, sir," moaned the waiter. "It appears the chef hadn't even +cooked it. Beyond what's on the table, sir, there's nothing." +</P> + +<P> +The social catastrophe had come. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Fyshe sat silent with his fist clenched. Dr. Boomer, with his great +face transfixed, stared at the empty oyster-shells, thinking perhaps of +his college days. The Duke, with his hundred thousand dashed from his +lips in the second cup of champagne that was never served, thought of +his politeness first and murmured something about taking them to his +hotel. +</P> + +<P> +But there is no need to follow the unhappy details of the unended +dinner. Mr. Fyshe's one idea was to be gone: he was too true an artist +to think that finance could be carried on over the table-cloth of a +second-rate restaurant, or on an empty stomach in a deserted club. The +thing must be done over again; he must wait his time and begin anew. +</P> + +<P> +And so it came about that the little dinner party of Mr. Lucullus Fyshe +dissolved itself into its constituent elements, like broken pieces of +society in the great cataclysm portrayed by Mr. Fyshe himself. +</P> + +<P> +The Duke was bowled home in a snorting motor to the brilliant rotunda +of the Grand Palaver, itself waiterless and supperless. +</P> + +<P> +The rector of St. Asaph's wandered off home to his rectory, musing upon +the contents of its pantry. +</P> + +<P> +And Mr. Fyshe and the gigantic Doctor walked side by side homewards +along Plutoria Avenue, beneath the elm trees. Nor had they gone any +great distance before Dr. Boomer fell to talking of the Duke. +</P> + +<P> +"A charming man," he said, "delightful. I feel extremely sorry for him." +</P> + +<P> +"No worse off, I presume, than any of the rest of us," growled Mr. +Fyshe, who was feeling in the sourest of democratic moods; "a man +doesn't need to be a duke to have a stomach." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, pooh, pooh!" said the president, waving the topic aside with his +hand in the air; "I don't refer to that. Oh, not at all. I was thinking +of his financial position—an ancient family like the Dulhams; it seems +too bad altogether." +</P> + +<P> +For, of course, to an archaeologist like Dr. Boomer an intimate +acquaintance with the pedigree and fortunes of the greater ducal +families from Jock of Ealing downwards was nothing. It went without +saying. As beside the Neanderthal skull and the Bimbaweh ruins it +didn't count. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Fyshe stopped absolutely still in his tracks. "His financial +position?" he questioned, quick as a lynx. +</P> + +<P> +"Certainly," said Dr. Boomer; "I had taken it for granted that you +knew. The Dulham family are practically ruined. The Duke, I imagine, is +under the necessity of mortgaging his estates; indeed, I should suppose +he is here in America to raise money." +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Fyshe was a man of lightning action. Any man accustomed to the +Stock Exchange learns to think quickly. +</P> + +<P> +"One moment!" he cried; "I see we are right at your door. May I just +run in and use your telephone? I want to call up Boulder for a moment." +</P> + +<P> +Two minutes later Mr. Fyshe was saying into the telephone, "Oh, is that +you, Boulder? I was looking for you in vain today—wanted you to meet +the Duke of Dulham, who came in quite unexpectedly from New York; felt +sure you'd like to meet him. Wanted you at the club for dinner, and now +it turns out that the club's all upset—waiters' strike or some such +rascality—and the Palaver, so I hear, is in the same fix. Could you +possibly—" +</P> + +<P> +Here Mr. Fyshe paused, listening a moment, and then went on, "Yes, yes; +an excellent idea—most kind of you. Pray do send your motor to the +hotel and give the Duke a bite of dinner. No, I wouldn't join you, +thanks. Most kind. Good night—" +</P> + +<P> +And within a few minutes more the motor of Mr. Boulder was rolling down +from Plutoria Avenue to the Grand Palaver Hotel. +</P> + +<P> +What passed between Mr. Boulder and the Duke that evening is not known. +That they must have proved congenial company to one another there is no +doubt. In fact, it would seem that, dissimilar as they were in many +ways, they found a common bond of interest in sport. And it is quite +likely that Mr. Boulder may have mentioned that he had a +hunting-lodge—what the Duke would call a shooting-box—in Wisconsin +woods, and that it was made of logs, rough cedar logs not squared, and +that the timber wolves and others which surrounded it were of a +ferocity without parallel. +</P> + +<P> +Those who know the Duke best could measure the effect of that upon his +temperament. +</P> + +<P> +At any rate, it is certain that Mr. Lucullus Fyshe at his +breakfast-table next morning chuckled with suppressed joy to read in +the <I>Plutopian Citizen</I> the item: +</P> + +<P> +"We learn that the Duke of Dulham, who has been paying a brief visit to +the City, leaves this morning with Mr. Asmodeus Boulder for the +Wisconsin woods. We understand that Mr. Boulder intends to show his +guest, who is an ardent sportsman, something of the American wolf." +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +And so the Duke went whirling westwards and northwards with Mr. Boulder +in the drawing-room end of a Pullman car, that was all littered up with +double-barrelled express rifles and leather game bags and lynx catchers +and wolf traps and Heaven knows what. And the Duke had on his very +roughest sporting-suit, made, apparently, of alligator hide; and as he +sat there with a rifle across his knees, while the train swept onwards +through open fields and broken woods, the real country at last, towards +the Wisconsin forest, there was such a light of genial happiness in his +face that had not been seen there since he had been marooned in the mud +jungles of Upper Burmah. +</P> + +<P> +And opposite, Mr. Boulder looked at him with fixed silent eyes, and +murmured from time to time some renewed information of the ferocity of +the timber-wolf. +</P> + +<P> +But of wolves other than the timber-wolf, and fiercer still into whose +hands the Duke might fall in America, he spoke never a word. +</P> + +<P> +Nor is it known in the record what happened in Wisconsin, and to the +Mausoleum Club the Duke and his visit remained only as a passing and a +pleasant memory. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap02"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER TWO: The Wizard of Finance +</H3> + +<P> +Down in the City itself, just below the residential street where the +Mausoleum Club is situated, there stands overlooking Central Square the +Grand Palaver Hotel. It is, in truth, at no great distance from the +club, not half a minute in one's motor. In fact, one could almost walk +it. +</P> + +<P> +But in Central Square the quiet of Plutoria Avenue is exchanged for +another atmosphere. There are fountains that splash unendingly and +mingle their music with the sound of the motor-horns and the clatter of +the cabs. There are real trees and little green benches, with people +reading yesterday's newspaper, and grass cut into plots among the +asphalt. There is at one end a statue of the first governor of the +state, life-size, cut in stone; and at the other a statue of the last, +ever so much larger than life, cast in bronze. And all the people who +pass by pause and look at this statue and point at it with +walking-sticks, because it is of extraordinary interest; in fact, it is +an example of the new electro-chemical process of casting by which you +can cast a state governor any size you like, no matter what you start +from. Those who know about such things explain what an interesting +contrast the two statues are; for in the case of the governor of a +hundred years ago one had to start from plain, rough material and work +patiently for years to get the effect, whereas now the material doesn't +matter at all, and with any sort of scrap, treated in the gas furnace +under tremendous pressure, one may make a figure of colossal size like +the one in Central Square. +</P> + +<P> +So naturally Central Square with its trees and its fountains and its +statues is one of the places of chief interest in the City. But +especially because there stands along one side of it the vast pile of +the Grand Palaver Hotel. It rises fifteen stories high and fills all +one side of the square. It has, overlooking the trees in the square, +twelve hundred rooms with three thousand windows, and it would have +held all George Washington's army. Even people in other cities who have +never seen it know it well from its advertising; "the most homelike +hotel in America," so it is labelled in all the magazines, the +expensive ones, on the continent. In fact, the aim of the company that +owns the Grand Palaver—and they do not attempt to conceal it—is to +make the place as much a home as possible. Therein lies its charm. It +is a home. You realize that when you look up at the Grand Palaver from +the square at night when the twelve hundred guests have turned on the +lights of the three thousand windows. You realize it at theatre time +when the great string of motors come sweeping to the doors of the +Palaver, to carry the twelve hundred guests to twelve hundred seats in +the theatres at four dollars a seat. But most of all do you appreciate +the character of the Grand Palaver when you step into its rotunda. +Aladdin's enchanted palace was nothing to it. It has a vast ceiling +with a hundred glittering lights, and within it night and day is a +surging crowd that is never still and a babel of voices that is never +hushed, and over all there hangs an enchanted cloud of thin blue +tobacco smoke such as might enshroud the conjured vision of a magician +of Baghdad or Damascus. +</P> + +<P> +In and through the rotunda there are palm trees to rest the eye and +rubber trees in boxes to soothe the mind, and there are great leather +lounges and deep armchairs, and here and there huge brass ash-bowls as +big as Etruscan tear-jugs. Along one side is a counter with grated +wickets like a bank, and behind it are five clerks with flattened hair +and tall collars, dressed in long black frock-coats all day like +members of a legislature. They have great books in front of them in +which they study unceasingly, and at their lightest thought they strike +a bell with the open palm of their hand, and at the sound of it a page +boy in a monkey suit, with G.P. stamped all over him in brass, bounds +to the desk and off again, shouting a call into the unheeding crowd +vociferously. The sound of it fills for a moment the great space of the +rotunda; it echoes down the corridors to the side; it floats, softly +melodious, through the palm trees of the ladies' palm room; it is +heard, fainter and fainter, in the distant grill; and in the depths of +the barber shop below the level of the street the barber arrests a +moment the drowsy hum of his shampoo brushes to catch the sound—as +might a miner in the sunken galleries of a coastal mine cease in his +toil a moment to hear the distant murmur of the sea. +</P> + +<P> +And the clerks call for the pages, the pages call for the guests, and +the guests call for the porters, the bells clang, the elevators rattle, +till home itself was never half so homelike. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +"A call for Mr. Tomlinson! A call for Mr. Tomlinson!" +</P> + +<P> +So went the sound, echoing through the rotunda. +</P> + +<P> +And as the page boy found him and handed him on a salver a telegram to +read, the eyes of the crowd about him turned for a moment to look upon +the figure of Tomlinson, the Wizard of Finance. +</P> + +<P> +There he stood in his wide-awake hat and his long black coat, his +shoulders slightly bent with his fifty-eight years. Anyone who had +known him in the olden days on his bush farm beside Tomlinson's Creek +in the country of the Great Lakes would have recognized him in a +moment. There was still on his face that strange, puzzled look that it +habitually wore, only now, of course, the financial papers were calling +it "unfathomable." There was a certain way in which his eye roved to +and fro inquiringly that might have looked like perplexity, were it not +that the <I>Financial Undertone</I> had recognized it as the "searching look +of a captain of industry." One might have thought that for all the +goodness in it there was something simple in his face, were it not that +the <I>Commercial and Pictorial Review</I> had called the face +"inscrutable," and had proved it so with an illustration that left no +doubt of the matter. Indeed, the face of Tomlinson of Tomlinson's +Creek, now Tomlinson the Wizard of Finance, was not commonly spoken of +as a <I>face</I> by the paragraphers of the Saturday magazine sections, but +was more usually referred to as a mask; and it would appear that +Napoleon the First had had one also. The Saturday editors were never +tired of describing the strange, impressive personality of Tomlinson, +the great dominating character of the newest and highest finance. From +the moment when the interim prospectus of the Erie Auriferous +Consolidated had broken like a tidal wave over Stock Exchange circles, +the picture of Tomlinson, the sleeping shareholder of uncomputed +millions, had filled the imagination of every dreamer in a nation of +poets. +</P> + +<P> +They all described him. And when each had finished he began again. +</P> + +<P> +"The face," so wrote the editor of the "Our Own Men" section of +<I>Ourselves Monthly</I>, "is that of a typical American captain of finance, +hard, yet with a certain softness, broad but with a certain length, +ductile but not without its own firmness." +</P> + +<P> +"The mouth," so wrote the editor of the "Success" column of <I>Brains</I>, +"is strong but pliable, the jaw firm and yet movable, while there is +something in the set of the ear that suggests the swift, eager mind of +the born leader of men." +</P> + +<P> +So from state to state ran the portrait of Tomlinson of Tomlinson's +Creek, drawn by people who had never seen him; so did it reach out and +cross the ocean, till the French journals inserted a picture which they +used for such occasions, and called it <I>Monsieur Tomlinson, nouveau +capitaine de la haute finance en Amerique</I>; and the German weeklies, +inserting also a suitable picture from their stock, marked it <I>Herr +Tomlinson, Amerikanischer Industrie und Finanzcapitan</I>. Thus did +Tomlinson float from Tomlinson's Creek beside Lake Erie to the very +banks of the Danube and the Drave. +</P> + +<P> +Some writers grew lyric about him. What visions, they asked, could one +but read them, must lie behind the quiet, dreaming eyes of that +inscrutable face? +</P> + +<P> +They might have read them easily enough, had they but had the key. +Anyone who looked upon Tomlinson as he stood there in the roar and +clatter of the great rotunda of the Grand Palaver with the telegram in +his hand, fumbling at the wrong end to open it, might have read the +visions of the master-mind had he but known their nature. They were +simple enough. For the visions in the mind of Tomlinson, Wizard of +Finance, were for the most part those of a wind-swept hillside farm +beside Lake Erie, where Tomlinson's Creek runs down to the low edge of +the lake, and where the off-shore wind ripples the rushes of the +shallow water: that, and the vision of a frame house, and the snake +fences of the fourth concession road where it falls to the lakeside. +And if the eyes of the man are dreamy and abstracted, it is because +there lies over the vision of this vanished farm an infinite regret, +greater in its compass than all the shares the Erie Auriferous +Consolidated has ever thrown upon the market. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +When Tomlinson had opened the telegram he stood with it for a moment in +his hand, looking the boy full in the face. His look had in it that +peculiar far-away quality that the newspapers were calling "Napoleonic +abstraction." In reality he was wondering whether to give the boy +twenty-five cents or fifty. +</P> + +<P> +The message that he had just read was worded, "Morning quotations show +preferred A. G. falling rapidly recommend instant sale no confidence +send instructions." +</P> + +<P> +The Wizard of Finance took from his pocket a pencil (it was a +carpenter's pencil) and wrote across the face of the message: "Buy me +quite a bit more of the same yours truly." +</P> + +<P> +This he gave to the boy. "Take it over to him," he said, pointing to +the telegraph corner of the rotunda. Then after another pause he +mumbled, "Here, sonny," and gave the boy a dollar. +</P> + +<P> +With that he turned to walk towards the elevator, and all the people +about him who had watched the signing of the message knew that some big +financial deal was going through—a <I>coup</I>, in fact, they called it. +</P> + +<P> +The elevator took the Wizard to the second floor. As he went up he felt +in his pocket and gripped a quarter, then changed his mind and felt for +a fifty-cent piece, and finally gave them both to the elevator boy, +after which he walked along the corridor till he reached the corner +suite of rooms, a palace in itself, for which he was paying a thousand +dollars a month ever since the Erie Auriferous Consolidated Company had +begun tearing up the bed of Tomlinson's Creek in Cahoga County with its +hydraulic dredges. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, mother," he said as he entered. +</P> + +<P> +There was a woman seated near the window, a woman with a plain, homely +face such as they wear in the farm kitchens of Cahoga County, and a set +of fashionable clothes upon her such as they sell to the ladies of +Plutoria Avenue. +</P> + +<P> +This was "mother," the wife of the Wizard of Finance and eight years +younger than himself. And she, too, was in the papers and the public +eye; and whatsoever the shops had fresh from Paris, at fabulous prices, +that they sold to mother. They had put a Balkan hat upon her with an +upright feather, and they had hung gold chains on her, and everything +that was most expensive they had hung and tied on mother. You might see +her emerging any morning from the Grand Palaver in her beetle-back +jacket and her Balkan hat, a figure of infinite pathos. And whatever +she wore, the lady editors of <I>Spring Notes</I> and <I>Causerie du Boudoir</I> +wrote it out in French, and one paper had called her a <I>belle +chatelaine</I>, and another had spoken of her as a grande dame, which the +Tomlinsons thought must be a misprint. +</P> + +<P> +But in any case, for Tomlinson, the Wizard of Finance, it was a great +relief to have as his wife a woman like mother, because he knew that +she had taught school in Cahoga County and could hold her own in the +city with any of them. +</P> + +<P> +So mother spent her time sitting in her beetle jacket in the +thousand-dollar suite, reading new novels in brilliant paper covers. +And the Wizard on his trips up and down to the rotunda brought her the +very best, the ones that cost a dollar fifty, because he knew that out +home she had only been able to read books like Nathaniel Hawthorne and +Walter Scott, that were only worth ten cents. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +"How's Fred?" said the Wizard, laying aside his hat, and looking +towards the closed door of an inner room. "Is he better?" +</P> + +<P> +"Some," said mother. "He's dressed, but he's lying down." +</P> + +<P> +Fred was the son of the Wizard and mother. In the inner room he lay on +a sofa, a great hulking boy of seventeen in a flowered dressing-gown, +fancying himself ill. There was a packet of cigarettes and a box of +chocolates on a chair beside him, and he had the blind drawn and his +eyes half-closed to impress himself. +</P> + +<P> +Yet this was the same boy that less than a year ago on Tomlinson's +Creek had worn a rough store suit and set his sturdy shoulders to the +buck-saw. At present Fortune was busy taking from him the golden gifts +which the fairies of Cahoga County, Lake Erie, had laid in his cradle +seventeen years ago. +</P> + +<P> +The Wizard tip-toed into the inner room, and from the open door his +listening wife could hear the voice of the boy saying, in a tone as of +one distraught with suffering. +</P> + +<P> +"Is there any more of that jelly?" +</P> + +<P> +"Could he have any, do you suppose?" asked Tomlinson coming back. +</P> + +<P> +"It's all right," said mother, "if it will sit on his stomach." For +this, in the dietetics of Cahoga County, is the sole test. All those +things can be eaten which will sit on the stomach. Anything that won't +sit there is not eatable. +</P> + +<P> +"Do you suppose I could get them to get any?" questioned Tomlinson. +"Would it be all right to telephone down to the office, or do you think +it would be better to ring?" +</P> + +<P> +"Perhaps," said his wife, "it would be better to look out into the hall +and see if there isn't someone round that would tell them." +</P> + +<P> +This was the kind of problem with which Tomlinson and his wife, in +their thousand-dollar suite in the Grand Palaver, grappled all day. And +when presently a tall waiter in dress-clothes appeared, and said, +"Jelly? Yes, sir, immediately, sir; would you like, sir, Maraschino, +sir, or Portovino, sir?" Tomlinson gazed at him gloomily, wondering if +he would take five dollars. +</P> + +<P> +"What does the doctor say is wrong with Fred?" asked Tomlinson, when +the waiter had gone. +</P> + +<P> +"He don't just say," said mother; "he said he must keep very quiet. He +looked in this morning for a minute or two, and he said he'd look in +later in the day again. But he said to keep Fred very quiet." +</P> + +<P> +Exactly! In other words Fred had pretty much the same complaint as the +rest of Dr. Slyder's patients on Plutoria Avenue, and was to be treated +in the same way. Dr. Slyder, who was the most fashionable practitioner +in the City, spent his entire time moving to and fro in an almost +noiseless motor earnestly advising people to keep quiet. "You must keep +very quiet for a little while," he would say with a sigh, as he sat +beside a sick-bed. As he drew on his gloves in the hall below he would +shake his head very impressively and say, "You must keep him very +quiet," and so pass out, quite soundlessly. By this means Dr. Slyder +often succeeded in keeping people quiet for weeks. It was all the +medicine that he knew. But it was enough. And as his patients always +got well—there being nothing wrong with them—his reputation was +immense. +</P> + +<P> +Very naturally the Wizard and his wife were impressed with him. They +had never seen such therapeutics in Cahoga County, where the practice +of medicine is carried on with forceps, pumps, squirts, splints, and +other instruments of violence. +</P> + +<P> +The waiter had hardly gone when a boy appeared at the door. This time +he presented to Tomlinson not one telegram but a little bundle of them. +</P> + +<P> +The Wizard read them with a lengthening face. The first ran something +like this, "Congratulate you on your daring market turned instantly"; +and the next, "Your opinion justified market rose have sold at 20 +points profit"; and a third, "Your forecast entirely correct C. P. rose +at once send further instructions." +</P> + +<P> +These and similar messages were from brokers' offices, and all of them +were in the same tone; one told him that C. P. was up, and another T. +G. P. had passed 129, and another that T. C. R. R. had risen ten—all +of which things were imputed to the wonderful sagacity of Tomlinson. +Whereas if they had told him that X. Y. Z. had risen to the moon he +would have been just as wise as to what it meant. +</P> + +<P> +"Well," said the wife of the Wizard as her husband finished looking +through the reports, "how are things this morning? Are they any better?" +</P> + +<P> +"No," said Tomlinson, and he sighed as he said it; "this is the worst +day yet. It's just been a shower of telegrams, and mostly all the same. +I can't do the figuring of it like you can, but I reckon I must have +made another hundred thousand dollars since yesterday." +</P> + +<P> +"You don't say so!" said mother, and they looked at one another +gloomily. +</P> + +<P> +"And half a million last week, wasn't it?" said Tomlinson as he sank +into a chair. "I'm afraid, mother," he continued, "it's no good. We +don't know how. We weren't brought up to it." +</P> + +<P> +All of which meant that if the editor of the <I>Monetary Afternoon</I> or +<I>Financial Sunday</I> had been able to know what was happening with the +two wizards, he could have written up a news story calculated to +electrify all America. +</P> + +<P> +For the truth was that Tomlinson, the Wizard of Finance, was attempting +to carry out a <I>coup</I> greater than any as yet attributed to him by the +Press. He was trying to lose his money. That, in the sickness of his +soul, crushed by the Grand Palaver, overwhelmed with the burden of high +finance, had become his aim, to be done with it, to get rid of his +whole fortune. +</P> + +<P> +But if you own a fortune that is computed anywhere from fifty millions +up, with no limit at the top, if you own one-half of all the preferred +stock of an Erie Auriferous Consolidated that is digging gold in +hydraulic bucketfuls from a quarter of a mile of river bed, the task of +losing it is no easy matter. +</P> + +<P> +There are men, no doubt, versed in finance, who might succeed in doing +it. But they have a training that Tomlinson lacked. Invest it as he +would in the worst securities that offered, the most rickety of stock, +the most fraudulent bonds, back it came to him. When he threw a handful +away, back came two in its place. And at every new coup the crowd +applauded the incomparable daring, the unparalleled prescience of the +Wizard. +</P> + +<P> +Like the touch of Midas, his hand turned everything to gold. +</P> + +<P> +"Mother," he repeated, "it's no use. It's like this here Destiny, as +the books call it." +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +The great fortune that Tomlinson, the Wizard of Finance, was trying his +best to lose had come to him with wonderful suddenness. As yet it was +hardly six months old. As to how it had originated, there were all +sorts of stories afloat in the weekly illustrated press. They agreed +mostly on the general basis that Tomlinson had made his vast fortune by +his own indomitable pluck and dogged industry. Some said that he had +been at one time a mere farm hand who, by sheer doggedness, had fought +his way from the hay-mow to the control of the produce market of +seventeen states. Others had it that he had been a lumberjack who, by +sheer doggedness, had got possession of the whole lumber forest of the +Lake district. Others said that he had been a miner in a Lake Superior +copper mine who had, by the doggedness of his character, got a +practical monopoly of the copper supply. These Saturday articles, at +any rate, made the Saturday reader rigid with sympathetic doggedness +himself, which was all that the editor (who was doggedly trying to make +the paper pay) wanted to effect. +</P> + +<P> +But in reality the making of Tomlinson's fortune was very simple. The +recipe for it is open to anyone. It is only necessary to own a hillside +farm beside Lake Erie where the uncleared bush and the broken fields go +straggling down to the lake, and to have running through it a creek, +such as that called Tomlinson's, brawling among the stones and willows, +and to discover in the bed of a creek—a gold mine. +</P> + +<P> +That is all. +</P> + +<P> +Nor is it necessary in these well-ordered days to discover the gold for +one's self. One might have lived a lifetime on the farm, as Tomlinson's +father had, and never discover it for one's self. For that indeed the +best medium of destiny is a geologist, let us say the senior professor +of geology at Plutoria University. That was how it happened. +</P> + +<P> +The senior professor, so it chanced, was spending his vacation near by +on the shores of the lake, and his time was mostly passed—for how +better can a man spend a month of pleasure?—in looking for +outcroppings of Devonian rock of the post-tertiary period. For which +purpose he carried a vacation hammer in his pocket, and made from time +to time a note or two as he went along, or filled his pockets with the +chippings of vacation rocks. +</P> + +<P> +So it chanced that he came to Tomlinson's Creek at the very point where +a great slab of Devonian rock bursts through the clay of the bank. When +the senior professor of geology saw it and noticed a stripe like a mark +on a tiger's back—a fault he called it—that ran over the face of the +block, he was at it in an instant, beating off fragments with his +little hammer. +</P> + +<P> +Tomlinson and his boy Fred were logging in the underbrush near by with +a long chain and yoke of oxen, but the geologist was so excited that he +did not see them till the sound of his eager hammer had brought them to +his side. They took him up to the frame house in the clearing, where +the chatelaine was hoeing a potato patch with a man's hat on her head, +and they gave him buttermilk and soda cakes, but his hand shook so that +he could hardly eat them. +</P> + +<P> +The geologist left Cahoga station that night for the City with a +newspaper full of specimens inside his suit-case, and he knew that if +any person or persons would put up money enough to tear that block of +rock away and follow the fissure down, there would be found there +something to astonish humanity, geologists and all. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +After that point in the launching of a gold mine the rest is easy. +Generous, warm-hearted men, interested in geology, were soon found. +There was no stint of money. The great rock was torn sideways from its +place, and from beneath it the crumbled, glittering rock-dust that +sparkled in the sun was sent in little boxes to the testing +laboratories of Plutoria University. There the senior professor of +geology had sat up with it far into the night in a darkened laboratory, +with little blue flames playing underneath crucibles, as in a +magician's cavern, and with the door locked. And as each sample that he +tested was set aside and tied in a cardboard box by itself, he labelled +it "aur. p. 75," and the pen shook in his hand as he marked it. For to +professors of geology those symbols mean "this is seventy-five per cent +pure gold." So it was no wonder that the senior professor of geology +working far into the night among the blue flames shook with excitement; +not, of course, for the gold's sake as money (he had no time to think +of that), but because if this thing was true it meant that an +auriferous vein had been found in what was Devonian rock of the +post-tertiary stratification, and if that was so it upset enough +geology to spoil a textbook. It would mean that the professor could +read a paper at the next Pan-Geological Conference that would turn the +whole assembly into a bedlam. +</P> + +<P> +It pleased him, too, to know that the men he was dealing with were +generous. They had asked him to name his own price or the tests that he +made and when he had said two dollars per sample they had told him to +go right ahead. The professor was not, I suppose, a mercenary man, but +it pleased him to think that he could, clean up sixteen dollars in a +single evening in his laboratory. It showed, at any rate, that +businessmen put science at its proper value. Strangest of all was the +fact that the men had told him that even this ore was apparently +nothing to what there was; it had all come out of one single spot in +the creek, not the hundredth part of the whole claim. Lower down, where +they had thrown the big dam across to make the bed dry, they were +taking out this same stuff and even better, so they said, in cartloads. +The hydraulic dredges were tearing it from the bed of the creek all +day, and at night a great circuit of arc lights gleamed and sputtered +over the roaring labour of the friends of geological research. +</P> + +<P> +Thus had the Erie Auriferous Consolidated broken in a tidal wave over +financial circles. On the Stock Exchange, in the downtown offices, and +among the palm trees of the Mausoleum Club they talked of nothing else. +And so great was the power of the wave that it washed Tomlinson and his +wife along on the crest of it, and landed them fifty feet up in their +thousand-dollar suite in the Grand Palaver. And as a result of it +"mother" wore a beetle-back jacket; and Tomlinson received a hundred +telegrams a day, and Fred quit school and ate chocolates. +</P> + +<P> +But in the business world the most amazing thing about it was the +wonderful shrewdness of Tomlinson. +</P> + +<P> +The first sign of it had been that he had utterly refused to allow the +Erie Auriferous Consolidated (as the friends of geology called +themselves) to take over the top half of the Tomlinson farm. For the +bottom part he let them give him one-half of the preferred stock in the +company in return for their supply of development capital. This was +their own proposition; in fact, they reckoned that in doing this they +were trading about two hundred thousand dollars' worth of machinery +for, say ten million dollars of gold. But it frightened them when +Tomlinson said "Yes" to the offer, and when he said that as to common +stock they might keep it, it was no use to him, they were alarmed and +uneasy till they made him take a block of it for the sake of market +confidence. +</P> + +<P> +But the top end of the farm he refused to surrender, and the friends of +applied geology knew that there must be something pretty large behind +this refusal; the more so as the reason that Tomlinson gave was such a +simple one. He said that he didn't want to part with the top end of the +place because his father was buried on it beside the creek, and so he +didn't want the dam higher up, not for any consideration. +</P> + +<P> +This was regarded in business circles as a piece of great shrewdness. +"Says his father is buried there, eh? Devilish shrewd that!" +</P> + +<P> +It was so long since any of the members of the Exchange or the +Mausoleum Club had wandered into such places as Cahoga County that they +did not know that there was nothing strange in what Tomlinson said. His +father was buried there, on the farm itself, in a grave overgrown with +raspberry bushes, and with a wooden headstone encompassed by a square +of cedar rails, and slept as many another pioneer of Cahoga is sleeping. +</P> + +<P> +"Devilish smart idea!" they said; and forthwith half the financial men +of the city buried their fathers, or professed to have done so, in +likely places—along the prospective right-of-way of a suburban +railway, for example; in fact, in any place that marked them out for +the joyous resurrection of an expropriation purchase. +</P> + +<P> +Thus the astounding shrewdness of Tomlinson rapidly became a legend, +the more so as he turned everything he touched to gold. +</P> + +<P> +They narrated little stories of him in the whiskey-and-soda corners of +the Mausoleum Club. +</P> + +<P> +"I put it to him in a casual way," related, for example, Mr. Lucullus +Fyshe, "casually, but quite frankly. I said, 'See here, this is just a +bagatelle to you, no doubt, but to me it might be of some use. T. C. +bonds,' I said, 'have risen twenty-two and a half in a week. You know +as well as I do that they are only collateral trust, and that the stock +underneath never could and never can earn a par dividend. Now,' I said, +'Mr. Tomlinson, tell me what all that means?' Would you believe it, the +fellow looked me right in the face in that queer way he has and he +said, 'I don't know!'" +</P> + +<P> +"He said he didn't know!" repeated the listener, in a tone of amazement +and respect. "By Jove! eh? he said he didn't know! The man's a wizard!" +</P> + +<P> +"And he looked as if he didn't!" went on Mr. Fyshe. "That's the deuce +of it. That man when he wants to can put on a look, sir, that simply +means nothing, absolutely nothing." +</P> + +<P> +In this way Tomlinson had earned his name of the Wizard of American +Finance. +</P> + +<P> +And meantime Tomlinson and his wife, within their suite at the Grand +Palaver, had long since reached their decision. For there was one +aspect and only one in which Tomlinson was really and truly a wizard. +He saw clearly that for himself and his wife the vast fortune that had +fallen to them was of no manner of use. What did it bring them? The +noise and roar of the City in place of the silence of the farm and the +racket of the great rotunda to drown the remembered murmur of the +waters of the creek. +</P> + +<P> +So Tomlinson had decided to rid himself of his new wealth, save only +such as might be needed to make his son a different kind of man from +himself. +</P> + +<P> +"For Fred, of course," he said, "it's different. But out of such a lot +as that it'll be easy to keep enough for him. It'll be a grand thing +for Fred, this money. He won't have to grow up like you and me. He'll +have opportunities we never got." He was getting them already. The +opportunity to wear seven dollar patent leather shoes and a bell-shaped +overcoat with a silk collar, to lounge into moving-picture shows and +eat chocolates and smoke cigarettes—all these opportunities he was +gathering immediately. Presently, when he learned his way round a +little, he would get still bigger ones. +</P> + +<P> +"He's improving fast," said mother. She was thinking of his patent +leather shoes. +</P> + +<P> +"He's popular," said his father. "I notice it downstairs. He sasses any +of them just as he likes; and no matter how busy they are, as soon as +they see it's Fred they're all ready to have a laugh with him." +</P> + +<P> +Certainly they were, as any hotel clerk with plastered hair is ready to +laugh with the son of a multimillionaire. It's a certain sense of +humour that they develop. +</P> + +<P> +"But for us, mother," said the Wizard, "we'll be rid of it. The gold is +there. It's not right to keep it back. But we'll just find a way to +pass it on to folks that need it worse than we do." +</P> + +<P> +For a time they had thought of giving away the fortune. But how? Who +did they know that would take it? +</P> + +<P> +It had crossed their minds—for who could live in the City a month +without observing the imposing buildings of Plutoria University, as +fine as any departmental store in town?—that they might give it to the +college. +</P> + +<P> +But there, it seemed, the way was blocked. +</P> + +<P> +"You see, mother," said the puzzled Wizard, "we're not known. We're +strangers. I'd look fine going up there to the college and saying, 'I +want to give you people a million dollars.' They'd laugh at me!" +</P> + +<P> +"But don't one read it in the papers," his wife had protested, "where +Mr. Carnegie gives ever so much to the colleges, more than all we've +got, and they take it?" +</P> + +<P> +"That's different," said the Wizard. "He's in with them. They all know +him. Why, he's a sort of chairman of different boards of colleges, and +he knows all the heads of the schools, and the professors, so it's no +wonder that if he offers to give a pension, or anything, they take it. +Just think of me going up to one of the professors up there in the +middle of his teaching and saying; 'I'd like to give you a pension for +life!' Imagine it! Think what he'd say!" +</P> + +<P> +But the Tomlinsons couldn't imagine it, which was just as well. +</P> + +<P> +So it came about that they had embarked on their system. Mother, who +knew most arithmetic, was the leading spirit. She tracked out all the +stocks and bonds in the front page of the <I>Financial Undertone</I>, and on +her recommendation the Wizard bought. They knew the stocks only by +their letters, but this itself gave a touch of high finance to their +deliberations. +</P> + +<P> +"I'd buy some of this R.O.P. if I was you," said mother; "it's gone +down from 127 to 107 in two days, and I reckon it'll be all gone in ten +days or so." +</P> + +<P> +"Wouldn't 'G.G. deb.' be better? It goes down quicker." +</P> + +<P> +"Well, it's a quick one," she assented, "but it don't go down so +steady. You can't rely on it. You take ones like R.O.P. and T.R.R. +pfd.; they go down all the time and you know where you are." +</P> + +<P> +As a result of which, Tomlinson would send his instructions. He did it +all from the rotunda in a way of his own that he had evolved with a +telegraph clerk who told him the names of brokers, and he dealt thus +through brokers whom he never saw. As a result of this, the sluggish +R.O.P. and T.R.R. would take as sudden a leap into the air as might a +mule with a galvanic shock applied to its tail. At once the word was +whispered that the "Tomlinson interests" were after the R.O.P. to +reorganize it, and the whole floor of the Exchange scrambled for the +stock. +</P> + +<P> +And so it was that after a month or two of these operations the Wizard +of Finance saw himself beaten. +</P> + +<P> +"It's no good, mother," he repeated, "it's just a kind of Destiny." +</P> + +<P> +Destiny perhaps it was. +</P> + +<P> +But, if the Wizard of Finance had known it, at this very moment when he +sat with the Aladdin's palace of his golden fortune reared so strangely +about him, Destiny was preparing for him still stranger things. +</P> + +<P> +Destiny, so it would seem, was devising Its own ways and means of +dealing with Tomlinson's fortune. As one of the ways and means, Destiny +was sending at this moment as its special emissaries two huge, portly +figures, wearing gigantic goloshes, and striding downwards from the +halls of Plutoria University to the Grand Palaver Hotel. And one of +these was the gigantic Dr. Boomer, the president of the college, and +the other was his professor of Greek, almost as gigantic as himself. +And they carried in their capacious pockets bundles of pamphlets on +"Archaeological Remains of Mitylene," and the "Use of the Greek +Pluperfect," and little treatises such as "Education and Philanthropy," +by Dr. Boomer, and "The Excavation of Mitylene: An Estimate of Cost," +by Dr. Boyster, "Boomer on the Foundation and Maintenance of Chairs," +etc. +</P> + +<P> +Many a man in city finance who had seen Dr. Boomer enter his office +with a bundle of these monographs and a fighting glitter in his eyes +had sunk back in his chair in dismay. For it meant that Dr. Boomer had +tracked him out for a benefaction to the University, and that all +resistance was hopeless. +</P> + +<P> +When Dr. Boomer once laid upon a capitalist's desk his famous pamphlet +on the "Use of the Greek Pluperfect," it was as if an Arabian sultan +had sent the fatal bow-string to a condemned pasha, or Morgan the +buccaneer had served the death-sign on a shuddering pirate. +</P> + +<P> +So they came nearer and nearer, shouldering the passers-by. The sound +of them as they talked was like the roaring of the sea as Homer heard +it. Never did Castor and Pollux come surging into battle as Dr. Boomer +and Dr. Boyster bore down upon the Grand Palaver Hotel. +</P> + +<P> +Tomlinson, the Wizard of Finance, had hesitated about going to the +university. The university was coming to him. As for those millions of +his, he could take his choice—dormitories, apparatus, campuses, +buildings, endowment, anything he liked but choose he must. And if he +feared that, after all, his fortune was too vast even for such a +disposal, Dr. Boomer would show him how he might use it in digging up +ancient Mitylene, or modern Smyrna, or the lost cities of the Plain of +Pactolus. If the size of the fortune troubled him, Dr. Boomer would dig +him up the whole African Sahara from Alexandria to Morocco, and ask for +more. +</P> + +<P> +But if Destiny held all this for Tomlinson in its outstretched palm +before it, it concealed stranger things still beneath the folds of its +toga. +</P> + +<P> +There were enough surprises there to turn the faces of the whole +directorate of the Erie Auriferous Consolidated as yellow as the gold +they mined. +</P> + +<P> +For at this very moment, while the president of Plutoria University +drew nearer and nearer to the Grand Palaver Hotel, the senior professor +of geology was working again beside the blue flames in his darkened +laboratory. And this time there was no shaking excitement over him. Nor +were the labels that he marked, as sample followed sample in the tests, +the same as those of the previous marking. Not by any means. +</P> + +<P> +And his grave face as he worked in silence was as still as the stones +of the post-tertiary period. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap03"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER THREE: The Arrested Philanthropy of Mr. Tomlinson +</H3> + +<P> +"This, Mr. Tomlinson, is our campus," said President Boomer as they +passed through the iron gates of Plutoria University. +</P> + +<P> +"For camping?" said the Wizard. +</P> + +<P> +"Not exactly," answered the president, "though it would, of course, +suit for that. <I>Nihil humunum alienum</I>, eh?" and he broke into a loud, +explosive laugh, while his spectacles irradiated that peculiar form of +glee derived from a Latin quotation by those able to enjoy it. Dr. +Boyster, walking on the other side of Mr. Tomlinson, joined in the +laugh in a deep, reverberating chorus. +</P> + +<P> +The two had the Wizard of Finance between them, and they were marching +him up to the University. He was taken along much as is an arrested man +who has promised to go quietly. They kept their hands off him, but they +watched him sideways through their spectacles. At the least sign of +restlessness they doused him with Latin. The Wizard of Finance, having +been marked out by Dr. Boomer and Dr. Boyster as a prospective +benefactor, was having Latin poured over him to reduce him to the +proper degree of plasticity. +</P> + +<P> +They had already put him through the first stage. They had, three days +ago, called on him at the Grand Palaver and served him with a pamphlet +on "The Excavation of Mitylene" as a sort of writ. Tomlinson and his +wife had looked at the pictures of the ruins, and from the appearance +of them they judged that Mitylene was in Mexico, and they said that it +was a shame to see it in that state and that the United States ought to +intervene. +</P> + +<P> +As the second stage on the path of philanthropy, the Wizard of Finance +was now being taken to look at the university. Dr. Boomer knew by +experience that no rich man could look at it without wanting to give it +money. +</P> + +<P> +And here the president had found that there is no better method of +dealing with businessmen than to use Latin on them. For other purposes +the president used other things. For example at a friendly dinner at +the Mausoleum Club where light conversation was in order, Dr. Boomer +chatted, as has been seen, on the archaeological remains of the +Navajos. In the same way, at Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's Dante luncheons, he +generally talked of the Italian <I>cinquecentisti</I> and whether Gian Gobbo +della Scala had left a greater name than Can Grande della Spiggiola. +But such talk as that was naturally only for women. Businessmen are +much too shrewd for that kind of thing; in fact, so shrewd are they, as +President Boomer had long since discovered, that nothing pleases them +so much as the quiet, firm assumption that they know Latin. It is like +writing them up an asset. So it was that Dr. Boomer would greet a +business acquaintance with a roaring salutation of, "<I>Terque quaterque +beatus</I>," or stand wringing his hand off to the tune of "<I>Oh et +presidium et dulce decus meum</I>." +</P> + +<P> +This caught them every time. +</P> + +<P> +"You don't," said Tomlinson the Wizard in a hesitating tone as he +looked at the smooth grass of the campus, "I suppose, raise anything on +it?" +</P> + +<P> +"No, no; this is only for field sports," said the president; "<I>sunt +quos curriculo</I>—" +</P> + +<P> +To which Dr. Boyster on the other side added, like a chorus, "<I>pulverem +Olympicum</I>." +</P> + +<P> +This was their favourite quotation. It always gave President Boomer a +chance to speak of the final letter "m" in Latin poetry, and to say +that in his opinion the so-called elision of the final "m" was more +properly a dropping of the vowel with a repercussion of the two last +consonants. He supported this by quoting Ammianus, at which Dr. Boyster +exclaimed, "Pooh! Ammianus: more dog Latin!" and appealed to Mr. +Tomlinson as to whether any rational man nowadays cared what Ammianus +thought? +</P> + +<P> +To all of which Tomlinson answered never a word, but looked steadily +first at one and then at the other. Dr. Boomer said afterwards that the +penetration of Tomlinson was wonderful, and that it was excellent to +see how Boyster tried in vain to draw him; and Boyster said afterwards +that the way in which Tomlinson quietly refused to be led on by Boomer +was delicious, and that it was a pity that Aristophanes was not there +to do it justice. +</P> + +<P> +All of which was happening as they went in at the iron gates and up the +elm avenue of Plutoria University. +</P> + +<P> +The university, as everyone knows, stands with its great gates on +Plutoria Avenue, and with its largest buildings, those of the faculties +of industrial and mechanical science, fronting full upon the street. +</P> + +<P> +These buildings are exceptionally fine, standing fifteen stories high +and comparing favourably with the best departmental stores or factories +in the City. Indeed, after nightfall, when they are all lighted up for +the evening technical classes and when their testing machinery is in +full swing and there are students going in and out in overall suits, +people have often mistaken the university, or this newer part of it, +for a factory. A foreign visitor once said that the students looked +like plumbers, and President Boomer was so proud of it that he put the +phrase into his next Commencement address; and from there the +newspapers got it and the Associated Press took it up and sent it all +over the United States with the heading, "Have Appearance of Plumbers; +Plutoria University Congratulated on Character of Students," and it was +a proud day indeed for the heads of the Industrial Science faculty. +</P> + +<P> +But the older part of the university stands so quietly and modestly at +the top end of the elm avenue, so hidden by the leaves of it, that no +one could mistake it for a factory. This, indeed, was once the whole +university, and had stood there since colonial days under the name +Concordia College. It had been filled with generations of presidents +and professors of the older type with long white beards and rusty black +clothes, and salaries of fifteen hundred dollars. +</P> + +<P> +But the change both of name and of character from Concordia College to +Plutoria University was the work of President Boomer. He had changed it +from an old-fashioned college of the by-gone type to a university in +the true modern sense. At Plutoria they now taught everything. +Concordia College, for example, had no teaching of religion except +lectures on the Bible. Now they had lectures also on Confucianism, +Mohammedanism Buddhism, with an optional course on atheism for students +in the final year. +</P> + +<P> +And, of course, they had long since admitted women, and there were now +beautiful creatures with Cleo de Merode hair studying astronomy at +oaken desks and looking up at the teacher with eyes like comets. The +university taught everything and did everything. It had whirling +machines on the top of it that measured the speed of the wind, and deep +in its basements it measured earthquakes with a seismograph; it held +classes on forestry and dentistry and palmistry; it sent life classes +into the slums, and death classes to the city morgue. It offered such a +vast variety of themes, topics and subjects to the students, that there +was nothing that a student was compelled to learn, while from its own +presses in its own press-building it sent out a shower of bulletins and +monographs like driven snow from a rotary plough. +</P> + +<P> +In fact, it had become, as President Boomer told all the businessmen in +town, not merely a university, but a <I>universitas</I> in the true sense, +and every one of its faculties was now a <I>facultas</I> in the real +acceptance of the word, and its studies properly and truly <I>studia</I>; +indeed, if the businessmen would only build a few more dormitories and +put up enough money to form an adequate <I>fondatum</I> or <I>fundum</I>, then +the good work might be looked upon as complete. +</P> + +<P> +As the three walked up the elm avenue there met them a little stream of +students with college books, and female students with winged-victory +hats, and professors with last year's overcoats. And some went past +with a smile and others with a shiver. +</P> + +<P> +"That's Professor Withers," said the president in a sympathetic voice +as one of the shivering figures went past; "poor Withers," and he +sighed. +</P> + +<P> +"What's wrong with him?" said the Wizard; "is he sick?" +</P> + +<P> +"No, not sick," said the president quietly and sadly, "merely +inefficient." +</P> + +<P> +"Inefficient?" +</P> + +<P> +"Unfortunately so. Mind you, I don't mean 'inefficient' in every sense. +By no means. If anyone were to come to me and say, 'Boomer, can you put +your hand for me on a first-class botanist?' I'd say, 'Take Withers.' +I'd say it in a minute." This was true. He would have. In fact, if +anyone had made this kind of rash speech, Dr. Boomer would have given +away half the professoriate. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, what's wrong with him?" repeated Tomlinson, "I suppose he ain't +quite up to the mark in some ways, eh?" +</P> + +<P> +"Precisely," said the president, "not quite up to the mark—a very +happy way of putting it. <I>Capax imperii nisi imperasset</I>, as no doubt +you are thinking to yourself. The fact is that Withers, though an +excellent fellow, can't manage large classes. With small classes he is +all right, but with large classes the man is lost. He can't handle +them." +</P> + +<P> +"He can't, eh?" said the Wizard. +</P> + +<P> +"No. But what can I do? There he is. I can't dismiss him. I can't +pension him. I've no money for it." +</P> + +<P> +Here the president slackened a little in his walk and looked sideways +at the prospective benefactor. But Tomlinson gave no sign. +</P> + +<P> +A second professorial figure passed them on the other side. +</P> + +<P> +"There again," said the president, "that's another case of +inefficiency—Professor Shottat, our senior professor of English." +</P> + +<P> +"What's wrong with <I>him</I>?" asked the Wizard. +</P> + +<P> +"He can't handle <I>small</I> classes," said the president. "With large +classes he is really excellent, but with small ones the man is simply +hopeless." +</P> + +<P> +In this fashion, before Mr. Tomlinson had measured the length of the +avenue, he had had ample opportunity to judge of the crying need of +money at Plutoria University, and of the perplexity of its president. +He was shown professors who could handle the first year, but were +powerless with the second; others who were all right with the second +but broke down with the third, while others could handle the third but +collapsed with the fourth. There were professors who were all right in +their own subject, but perfectly impossible outside of it; others who +were so occupied outside of their own subject that they were useless +inside of it; others who knew their subject, but couldn't lecture; and +others again who lectured admirably, but didn't know their subject. +</P> + +<P> +In short it was clear—as it was meant to be—that the need of the +moment was a sum of money sufficient to enable the president to dismiss +everybody but himself and Dr. Boyster. The latter stood in a class all +by himself. He had known the president for forty-five years, ever since +he was a fat little boy with spectacles in a classical academy, +stuffing himself on irregular Greek verbs as readily as if on oysters. +</P> + +<P> +But it soon appeared that the need for dismissing the professors was +only part of the trouble. There were the buildings to consider. +</P> + +<P> +"This, I am ashamed to say," said Dr. Boomer, as they passed the +imitation Greek portico of the old Concordia College building, "is our +original home, the <I>fons et origo</I> of our studies, our faculty of arts." +</P> + +<P> +It was indeed a dilapidated building, yet there was a certain majesty +about it, too, especially when one reflected that it had been standing +there looking much the same at the time when its students had trooped +off in a flock to join the army of the Potomac, and much the same, +indeed, three generations before that, when the classes were closed and +the students clapped three-cornered hats on their heads and were off to +enlist as minute men with flintlock muskets under General Washington. +</P> + +<P> +But Dr. Boomer's one idea was to knock the building down and to build +on its site a real <I>facultas</I> ten storeys high, with elevators in it. +</P> + +<P> +Tomlinson looked about him humbly as he stood in the main hall. The +atmosphere of the place awed him. There were bulletins and time-tables +and notices stuck on the walls that gave evidence of the activity of +the place. "Professor Slithers will be unable to meet his classes +today," ran one of them, and another "Professor Withers will not meet +his classes this week," and another, "Owing to illness, Professor +Shottat will not lecture this month," while still another announced, +"Owing to the indisposition of Professor Podge, all botanical classes +are suspended, but Professor Podge hopes to be able to join in the +Botanical Picnic Excursion to Loon Lake on Saturday afternoon." You +could judge of the grinding routine of the work from the nature of +these notices. Anyone familiar with the work of colleges would not heed +it, but it shocked Tomlinson to think how often the professors of the +college were stricken down by overwork. +</P> + +<P> +Here and there in the hall, set into niches, were bronze busts of men +with Roman faces and bare necks, and the edge of a toga cast over each +shoulder. +</P> + +<P> +"Who would these be?" asked Tomlinson, pointing at them. "Some of the +chief founders and benefactors of the faculty," answered the president, +and at this the hopes of Tomlinson sank in his heart. For he realized +the class of man one had to belong to in order to be accepted as a +university benefactor. +</P> + +<P> +"A splendid group of men, are they not?" said the president. "We owe +them much. This is the late Mr. Hogworth, a man of singularly large +heart." Here he pointed to a bronze figure wearing a wreath of laurel +and inscribed GULIEMUS HOGWORTH, LITT. DOC. "He had made a great +fortune in the produce business and wishing to mark his gratitude to +the community he erected the anemometer, the wind-measure, on the roof +of the building, attaching to it no other condition than that his name +should be printed in the weekly reports immediately beside the velocity +of the wind. The figure beside him is the late Mr. Underbugg, who +founded our lectures on the Four Gospels on the sole stipulation that +henceforth any reference of ours to the four gospels should be coupled +with his name." +</P> + +<P> +"What's that after his name?" asked Tomlinson. +</P> + +<P> +"Litt. Doc.?" said the president. "Doctor of Letters, our honorary +degree. We are always happy to grant it to our benefactors by a vote of +the faculty." +</P> + +<P> +Here Dr. Boomer and Dr. Boyster wheeled half round and looked quietly +and steadily at the Wizard of Finance. To both their minds it was +perfectly plain that an honourable bargain was being struck. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, Mr. Tomlinson," said the president, as they emerged from the +building, "no doubt you begin to realize our unhappy position. Money, +money, money," he repeated half-musingly. "If I had the money I'd have +that whole building down and dismantled in a fortnight." +</P> + +<P> +From the central building the three passed to the museum building, +where Tomlinson was shown a vast skeleton of a Diplodocus Maximus, and +was specially warned not to confuse it with the Dinosaurus Perfectus, +whose bones, however, could be bought if anyone, any man of large +heart; would come to the university and say straight out, "Gentlemen, +what can I do for you?" Better still, it appeared the whole museum +which was hopelessly antiquated, being twenty-five years old, could be +entirely knocked down if a sufficient sum was forthcoming; and its +curator, who was as ancient as the Dinosaurus itself, could be +dismissed on half-pay if any man had a heart large enough for the +dismissal. +</P> + +<P> +From the museum they passed to the library, where there were +full-length portraits of more founders and benefactors in long red +robes, holding scrolls of paper, and others sitting holding pens and +writing on parchment, with a Greek temple and a thunderstorm in the +background. +</P> + +<P> +And here again it appeared that the crying need of the moment was for +someone to come to the university and say, "Gentlemen, what can I do +for you?" On which the whole library, for it was twenty years old and +out of date, might be blown up with dynamite and carted away. +</P> + +<P> +But at all this the hopes of Tomlinson sank lower and lower. The red +robes and the scrolls were too much for him. +</P> + +<P> +From the library they passed to the tall buildings that housed the +faculty of industrial and mechanical science. And here again the same +pitiful lack of money was everywhere apparent. For example, in the +physical science department there was a mass of apparatus for which the +university was unable to afford suitable premises, and in the chemical +department there were vast premises for which the university was unable +to buy apparatus, and so on. Indeed it was part of Dr. Boomer's method +to get himself endowed first with premises too big for the apparatus, +and then by appealing to public spirit to call for enough apparatus to +more than fill the premises, by means of which system industrial +science at Plutoria University advanced with increasing and gigantic +strides. +</P> + +<P> +But most of all, the electric department interested the Wizard of +Finance. And this time his voice lost its hesitating tone and he looked +straight at Dr. Boomer as he began, +</P> + +<P> +"I have a boy—" +</P> + +<P> +"Ah!" said Dr. Boomer, with a huge ejaculation of surprise and relief; +"you have a boy!" +</P> + +<P> +There were volumes in his tone. What it meant was, "Now, indeed, we +have got you where we want you," and he exchanged a meaning look with +the professor of Greek. +</P> + +<P> +Within five minutes the president and Tomlinson and Dr. Boyster were +gravely discussing on what terms and in what way Fred might be admitted +to study in the faculty of industrial science. The president, on +learning that Fred had put in four years in Cahoga County Section No. 3 +School, and had been head of his class in ciphering, nodded his head +gravely and said it would simply be a matter of a <I>pro tanto</I>; that, in +fact, he felt sure that Fred might be admitted <I>ad eundem</I>. But the +real condition on which they meant to admit him was, of course, not +mentioned. +</P> + +<P> +One door only in the faculty of industrial and mechanical science they +did not pass, a heavy oak door at the end of a corridor bearing the +painted inscription: Geological and Metallurgical Laboratories. Stuck +in the door was a card with the words (they were conceived in the +courteous phrases of mechanical science, which is almost a branch of +business in the real sense): Busy—keep out. +</P> + +<P> +Dr. Boomer looked at the card. "Ah, yes," he said. "Gildas is no doubt +busy with his tests. We won't disturb him." The president was always +proud to find a professor busy; it looked well. +</P> + +<P> +But if Dr. Boomer had known what was going on behind the oaken door of +the Department of Geology and Metallurgy, he would have felt +considerably disturbed himself. +</P> + +<P> +For here again Gildas, senior professor of geology, was working among +his blue flames at a final test on which depended the fate of the Erie +Auriferous Consolidated and all connected with it. +</P> + +<P> +Before him there were some twenty or thirty packets of crumpled dust +and splintered ore that glittered on the testing-table. It had been +taken up from the creek along its whole length, at even spaces twenty +yards apart, by an expert sent down in haste by the directorate, after +Gildas's second report, and heavily bribed to keep his mouth shut. +</P> + +<P> +And as Professor Gildas stood and worked at the samples and tied them +up after analysis in little white cardboard boxes, he marked each one +very carefully and neatly with the words, PYRITES: WORTHLESS. +</P> + +<P> +Beside the professor worked a young demonstrator of last year's +graduation class. It was he, in fact, who had written the polite notice +on the card. +</P> + +<P> +"What is the stuff, anyway?" he asked. +</P> + +<P> +"A sulphuret of iron," said the professor, "or iron pyrites. In colour +and appearance it is practically identical with gold. Indeed, in all +ages," he went on, dropping at once into the classroom tone and +adopting the professional habit of jumping backwards twenty centuries +in order to explain anything properly, "it has been readily mistaken +for the precious metal. The ancients called it 'fool's gold.' Martin +Frobisher brought back four shiploads of it from Baffin Land thinking +that he had discovered an Eldorado. There are large deposits of it in +the mines of Cornwall, and it is just possible," here the professor +measured his words as if speaking of something that he wouldn't +promise, "that the Cassiterides of the Phoenicians contained deposits +of the same sulphuret. Indeed, I defy anyone," he continued, for he was +piqued in his scientific pride, "to distinguish it from gold without a +laboratory-test. In large quantities, I concede, its lack of weight +would betray it to a trained hand, but without testing its solubility +in nitric acid, or the fact of its burning with a blue flame under the +blow-pipe, it cannot be detected. In short, when crystallized in +dodecahedrons—" +</P> + +<P> +"Is it any good?" broke in the demonstrator. +</P> + +<P> +"Good?" said the professor. "Oh, you mean commercially? Not in the +slightest. Much less valuable than, let us say, ordinary mud or clay. +In fact, it is absolutely good for nothing." +</P> + +<P> +They were silent for a moment, watching the blue flames above the +brazier. +</P> + +<P> +Then Gildas spoke again. "Oddly enough," he said, "the first set of +samples were undoubtedly pure gold—not the faintest doubt of that. +That is the really interesting part of the matter. These gentlemen +concerned in the enterprise will, of course, lose their money, and I +shall therefore decline to accept the very handsome fee which they had +offered me for my services. But the main feature, the real point of +interest in this matter remains. Here we have undoubtedly a sporadic +deposit—what miners call a pocket—of pure gold in a Devonian +formation of the post-tertiary period. This once established, we must +revise our entire theory of the distribution of igneous and aqueous +rocks. In fact, I am already getting notes together for a paper for the +Pan-Geological under the heading, Auriferous Excretions in the Devonian +Strata: a Working Hypothesis. I hope to read it at the next meeting." +</P> + +<P> +The young demonstrator looked at the professor with one eye half-closed. +</P> + +<P> +"I don't think I would if I were you." he said. +</P> + +<P> +Now this young demonstrator knew nothing or practically nothing, of +geology, because he came of one of the richest and best families in +town and didn't need to. But he was a smart young man, dressed in the +latest fashion with brown boots and a crosswise tie, and he knew more +about money and business and the stock exchange in five minutes than +Professor Gildas in his whole existence. +</P> + +<P> +"Why not?" said the professor. +</P> + +<P> +"Why, don't you see what's happened?" +</P> + +<P> +"Eh?" said Gildas. +</P> + +<P> +"What happened to those first samples? When that bunch got interested +and planned to float the company? Don't you see? Somebody salted them +on you." +</P> + +<P> +"<I>Salted</I> them on me?" repeated the professor, mystified. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, salted them. Somebody got wise to what they were and swopped them +on you for the real thing, so as to get your certified report that the +stuff was gold." +</P> + +<P> +"I begin to see," muttered the professor. "Somebody exchanged the +samples, some person no doubt desirous of establishing the theory that +a sporadic outcropping of the sort might be found in a post-tertiary +formation. I see, I see. No doubt he intended to prepare a paper on it, +and prove his thesis by these tests. I see it all!" +</P> + +<P> +The demonstrator looked at the professor with a sort of pity. +</P> + +<P> +"You're on!" he said, and he laughed softly to himself. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +"Well," said Dr. Boomer, after Tomlinson had left the university, "what +do you make of him?" The president had taken Dr. Boyster over to his +house beside the campus, and there in his study had given him a cigar +as big as a rope and taken another himself. This was a sign that Dr. +Boomer wanted Dr. Boyster's opinion in plain English, without any Latin +about it. +</P> + +<P> +"Remarkable man," said the professor of Greek; "wonderful penetration, +and a man of very few words. Of course his game is clear enough?" +</P> + +<P> +"Entirely so," asserted Dr. Boomer. +</P> + +<P> +"It's clear enough that he means to give the money on two conditions." +</P> + +<P> +"Exactly," said the president. +</P> + +<P> +"First that we admit his son, who is quite unqualified, to the senior +studies in electrical science, and second that we grant him the degree +of Doctor of Letters. Those are his terms." "Can we meet them?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, certainly. As to the son, there is no difficulty, of course; as to +the degree, it's only a question of getting the faculty to vote it. I +think we can manage it." +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +Vote it they did that very afternoon. True, if the members of the +faculty had known the things that were being whispered, and more than +whispered, in the City about Tomlinson and his fortune, no degree would +ever have been conferred on him. But it so happened that at that moment +the whole professoriate was absorbed in one of those great educational +crises which from time to time shake a university to its base. The +meeting of the faculty that day bid fair to lose all vestige of decorum +in the excitement of the moment. For, as Dean Elderberry Foible, the +head of the faculty, said, the motion that they had before them +amounted practically to a revolution. The proposal was nothing less +than the permission of the use of lead-pencils instead of pen and ink +in the sessional examinations of the university. Anyone conversant with +the inner life of a college will realize that to many of the +professoriate this was nothing less than a last wild onslaught of +socialistic democracy against the solid bulwarks of society. They must +fight it back or die on the walls. To others it was one more step in +the splendid progress of democratic education, comparable only to such +epoch-making things as the abandonment of the cap and gown, and the +omission of the word "sir" in speaking to a professor. +</P> + +<P> +No wonder that the fight raged. Elderberry Foible, his fluffed white +hair almost on end, beat in vain with his gavel for order. Finally, +Chang of Physiology, who was a perfect dynamo of energy and was known +frequently to work for three or four hours at a stretch, proposed that +the faculty should adjourn the question and meet for its further +discussion on the following Saturday morning. This revolutionary +suggestion, involving work on Saturday, reduced the meeting to a mere +turmoil, in the midst of which Elderberry Foible proposed that the +whole question of the use of lead-pencils should be adjourned till that +day six months, and that meantime a new special committee of seventeen +professors, with power to add to their number, to call witnesses and, +if need be, to hear them, should report on the entire matter <I>de novo</I>. +This motion, after the striking out of the words <I>de novo</I> and the +insertion of <I>ab initio</I>, was finally carried, after which the faculty +sank back completely exhausted into its chair, the need of afternoon +tea and toast stamped on every face. +</P> + +<P> +And it was at this moment that President Boomer, who understood +faculties as few men have done, quietly entered the room, laid his silk +hat on a volume of Demosthenes, and proposed the vote of a degree of +Doctor of Letters for Edward Tomlinson. He said that there was no need +to remind the faculty of Tomlinson's services to the nation; they knew +them. Of the members of the faculty, indeed, some thought that he meant +the Tomlinson who wrote the famous monologue on the Iota Subscript, +while others supposed that he referred to the celebrated philosopher +Tomlinson, whose new book on the Indivisibility of the Inseparable was +just then maddening the entire world. In any case, they voted the +degree without a word, still faint with exhaustion. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +But while the university was conferring on Tomlinson the degree of +Doctor of Letters, all over the City in business circles they were +conferring on him far other titles. "Idiot," "Scoundrel," "Swindler," +were the least of them. Every stock and share with which his name was +known to be connected was coming down with a run, wiping out the +accumulated profits of the Wizard at the rate of a thousand dollars a +minute. +</P> + +<P> +They not only questioned his honesty, but they went further and +questioned his business capacity. +</P> + +<P> +"The man," said Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, sitting in the Mausoleum Club and +breathing freely at last after having disposed of all his holdings in +the Erie Auriferous, "is an ignoramus. I asked him only the other day, +quite casually, a perfectly simple business question. I said to him. +'T.C. Bonds have risen twenty-two and a half in a week. You know and I +know that they are only collateral trust, and that the stock underneath +never could and never would earn a par dividend. Now,' I said, for I +wanted to test the fellow, 'tell me what that means?' Would you believe +me, he looked me right in the face in that stupid way of his, and he +said, 'I don't know!'" +</P> + +<P> +"He said he didn't know!" repeated the listener contemptuously; "the +man is a damn fool!" +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +The reason of all this was that the results of the researches of the +professor of geology were being whispered among the directorate of the +Erie Auriferous. And the directors and chief shareholders were busily +performing the interesting process called unloading. Nor did ever a +farmer of Cahoga County in haying time with a thunderstorm threatening, +unload with greater rapidity than did the major shareholders of the +Auriferous. Mr. Lucullus Fyshe traded off a quarter of his stock to an +unwary member of the Mausoleum Club at a drop of thirty per cent, and +being too prudent to hold the rest on any terms, he conveyed it at once +as a benefaction in trust to the Plutorian Orphans' and Foundlings' +Home; while the purchaser of Mr. Fyshe's stock, learning too late of +his folly, rushed for his lawyers to have the shares conveyed as a gift +to the Home for Incurables. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Asmodeus Boulder transferred his entire holdings to the Imbeciles' +Relief Society, and Mr. Furlong, senior, passed his over to a Chinese +mission as fast as pen could traverse paper. +</P> + +<P> +Down at the office of Skinyer and Beatem, the lawyers of the company, +they were working overtime drawing up deeds and conveyances and trusts +in perpetuity, with hardly time to put them into typewriting. Within +twenty-four hours the entire stock of the company bid fair to be in the +hands of Idiots, Orphans, Protestants, Foundlings, Imbeciles, +Missionaries, Chinese, and other unfinancial people, with Tomlinson the +Wizard of Finance as the senior shareholder and majority control. And +whether the gentle Wizard, as he sat with mother planning his vast +benefaction to Plutoria University, would have felt more at home with +his new group of fellow-shareholders than his old, it were hard to say. +</P> + +<P> +But, meantime, at the office of Skinyer and Beatem all was activity. +For not only were they drafting the conveyances of the perpetual trusts +as fast as legal brains working overtime could do it, but in another +part of the office a section of the firm were busily making their +preparations against the expected actions for fraud and warrants of +distraint and injunctions against disposal of assets and the whole +battery of artillery which might open on them at any moment. And they +worked like a corps of military engineers fortifying an escarpment, +with the joy of battle in their faces. +</P> + +<P> +The storm might break at any moment. Already at the office of the +<I>Financial Undertone</I> the type was set for a special extra with a +heading three inches high: +</P> + +<H4 ALIGN="center"> + COLLAPSE<BR> + OF THE ERIE CONSOLIDATED<BR> + ARREST OF THE MAN TOMLINSON<BR> + EXPECTED THIS AFTERNOON<BR> +</H4> + +<P> +Skinyer and Beatem had paid the editor, who was crooked, two thousand +dollars cash to hold back that extra for twenty-four hours; and the +editor had paid the reporting staff, who were crooked, twenty-five +dollars each to keep the news quiet, and the compositors, who were also +crooked, ten dollars per man to hold their mouths shut till the +morning, with the result that from editors and sub-editors and +reporters and compositors the news went seething forth in a flood that +the Erie Auriferous Consolidated was going to shatter into fragments +like the bursting of a dynamite bomb. It rushed with a thousand +whispering tongues from street to street till it filled the corridors +of the law courts and the lobbies of the offices, and till every honest +man that held a share of the stock shivered in his tracks and reached +out to give, sell, or destroy it. Only the unwinking Idiots, and the +mild Orphans, and the calm Deaf mutes and the impassive Chinese held +tight to what they had. So gathered the storm, till all the town, like +the great rotunda of the Grand Palaver, was filled with a silent "call +for Mr. Tomlinson," voiceless and ominous. +</P> + +<P> +And while all this was happening, and while at Skinyer and Beatem's +they worked with frantic pens and clattering type there came a knock at +the door, hesitant and uncertain, and before the eyes of the astounded +office there stood in his wide-awake hat and long black coat the figure +of "the man Tomlinson" himself. +</P> + +<P> +And Skinyer, the senior partner, no sooner heard what Tomlinson wanted +than he dashed across the outer office to his partner's room with his +hyena face all excitement as he said: +</P> + +<P> +"Beatem, Beatem, come over to my room. This man is absolutely the +biggest thing in America. For sheer calmness and nerve I never heard of +anything to approach him. What do you think he wants to do?" +</P> + +<P> +"What?" said Beatem. +</P> + +<P> +"Why, he's giving his entire fortune to the university." +</P> + +<P> +"By Gad!" ejaculated Beatem, and the two lawyers looked at one another, +lost in admiration of the marvellous genius and assurance of Tomlinson. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +Yet what had happened was very simple. +</P> + +<P> +Tomlinson had come back from the university filled with mingled hope +and hesitation. The university, he saw, needed the money and he hoped +to give it his entire fortune, to put Dr. Boomer in a position to +practically destroy the whole place. But, like many a modest man, he +lacked the assurance to speak out. He felt that up to the present the +benefactors of the university had been men of an entirely different +class from himself. It was mother who solved the situation for him. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, father," she said, "there's one thing I've learned already since +we've had money. If you want to get a thing done you can always find +people to do it for you if you pay them. Why not go to those lawyers +that manage things for the company and get them to arrange it all for +you with the college?" +</P> + +<P> +As a result, Tomlinson had turned up at the door of the Skinyer and +Beatem office. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +"Quite so, Mr. Tomlinson," said Skinyer, with his pen already dipped in +the ink, "a perfectly simple matter. I can draw up a draft of +conveyance with a few strokes of the pen. In fact, we can do it on the +spot." +</P> + +<P> +What he meant was, "In fact, we can do it so fast that I can pocket a +fee of five hundred dollars right here and now while you have the money +to pay me." +</P> + +<P> +"Now then," he continued, "let us see how it is to run." +</P> + +<P> +"Well," said Tomlinson, "I want you to put it that I give all my stock +in the company to the university." +</P> + +<P> +"All of it?" said Skinyer, with a quiet smile to Beatem. +</P> + +<P> +"Every cent of it, sir," said Tomlinson; "just write down that I give +all of it to the college." +</P> + +<P> +"Very good," said Skinyer, and he began to write, "I, so-and-so, and +so-and-so, of the county of so-and-so—Cahoga, I think you said, Mr. +Tomlinson?" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, sir," said the Wizard, "I was raised there." +</P> + +<P> +"—do hereby give, assign, devise, transfer, and the transfer is hereby +given, devised and assigned, all those stocks, shares, hereditaments, +etc., which I hold in the etc., etc., all, several and whatever—you +will observe, Mr. Tomlinson, I am expressing myself with as great +brevity as possible—to that institution, academy, college, school, +university, now known and reputed to be Plutoria University, of the +city of etc., etc." +</P> + +<P> +He paused a moment. "Now what special objects or purposes shall I +indicate?" he asked. +</P> + +<P> +Whereupon Tomlinson explained as best he could, and Skinyer, working +with great rapidity, indicated that the benefaction was to include a +Demolition Fund for the removal of buildings, a Retirement Fund for the +removal of professors, an Apparatus Fund for the destruction of +apparatus, and a General Sinking Fund for the obliteration of anything +not otherwise mentioned. +</P> + +<P> +"And I'd like to do something, if I could, for Mr. Boomer himself, just +as man to man," said Tomlinson. +</P> + +<P> +"All right," said Beatem, and he could hardly keep his face straight. +"Give him a chunk of the stock—give him half a million." +</P> + +<P> +"I will," said Tomlinson; "he deserves it." +</P> + +<P> +"Undoubtedly," said Mr. Skinyer. +</P> + +<P> +And within a few minutes the whole transaction was done, and Tomlinson, +filled with joy, was wringing the hands of Skinyer and Beatem, and +telling them to name their own fee. +</P> + +<P> +They had meant to, anyway. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +"Is that legal, do you suppose?" said Beatem to Skinyer, after the +Wizard had gone. "Will it hold water?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, I don't think so," said Skinyer, "not for a minute. In fact, +rather the other way. If they make an arrest for fraudulent flotation, +this conveyance, I should think, would help to send him to the +penitentiary. But I very much doubt if they can arrest him. Mind you, +the fellow is devilish shrewd. You know, and I know that he planned +this whole flotation with a full knowledge of the fraud. <I>You</I> and <I>I</I> +know it—very good—but we know it more from our trained instinct in +such things than by any proof. The fellow has managed to surround +himself with such an air of good faith from start to finish that it +will be deuced hard to get at him." +</P> + +<P> +"What will he do now?" said Beatem. +</P> + +<P> +"I tell you what he'll do. Mark my words. Within twenty-four hours +he'll clear out and be out of the state, and if they want to get him +they'll have to extradite. I tell you he's a man of extraordinary +capacity. The rest of us are nowhere beside him." +</P> + +<P> +In which, perhaps, there was some truth. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +"Well, mother," said the Wizard, when he reached the thousand-dollar +suite, after his interview with Skinyer and Beatem, his face irradiated +with simple joy, "it's done. I've put the college now in a position it +never was in before, nor any other college; the lawyers say so +themselves." +</P> + +<P> +"That's good," said mother. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, and it's a good thing I didn't lose the money when I tried to. +You see, mother, what I hadn't realized was the good that could be done +with all that money if a man put his heart into it. They can start in +as soon as they like and tear down those buildings. My! but it's just +wonderful what you can do with money. I'm glad I didn't lose it!" +</P> + +<P> +So they talked far into the evening. That night they slept in an +Aladdin's palace filled with golden fancies. +</P> + +<P> +And in the morning the palace and all its visions fell tumbling about +their heads in sudden and awful catastrophe. For with Tomlinson's first +descent to the rotunda it broke. The whole great space seemed filled +with the bulletins and the broadside sheets of the morning papers, the +crowd surging to and fro buying the papers, men reading them as they +stood, and everywhere in great letters there met his eye: +</P> + +<H4 ALIGN="center"> + COLLAPSE<BR> + OF THE ERIE AURIFEROUS<BR> +<BR><BR> + THE GREAT GOLD SWINDLE<BR> +<BR><BR> + ARREST OF THE MAN TOMLINSON<BR> + EXPECTED THIS MORNING<BR> +</H4> + +<P> +So stood the Wizard of Finance beside a pillar, the paper fluttering in +his hand, his eyes fixed, while about him a thousand eager eyes and +rushing tongues sent shame into his stricken heart. +</P> + +<P> +And there his boy Fred, sent from upstairs, found him; and at the sight +of the seething crowd and his father's stricken face, aged as it seemed +all in a moment, the boy's soul woke within him. What had happened he +could not tell, only that his father stood there, dazed, beaten, and +staring at him on every side in giant letters: +</P> + +<H4 ALIGN="center"> + ARREST OF THE MAN TOMLINSON<BR> +</H4> + +<P> +"Come, father come upstairs," he said, and took him by the arm, +dragging him through the crowd. +</P> + +<P> +In the next half-hour as they sat and waited for the arrest in the +false grandeur of the thousand-dollar suite-Tomlinson, his wife, and +Fred-the boy learnt more than all the teaching of the industrial +faculty of Plutoria University could have taught him in a decade. +Adversity laid its hand upon him, and at its touch his adolescent heart +turned to finer stuff than the salted gold of the Erie Auriferous. As +he looked upon his father's broken figure waiting meekly for arrest, +and his mother's blubbered face, a great wrath burned itself into his +soul. +</P> + +<P> +"When the sheriff comes—" said Tomlinson, and his lip trembled as he +spoke. He had no other picture of arrest than that. +</P> + +<P> +"They can't arrest you, father," broke out the boy. "You've done +nothing. You never swindled them. I tell you, if they try to arrest +you, I'll—" and his voice broke and stopped upon a sob, and his hands +clenched in passion. +</P> + +<P> +"You stay here, you and mother. I'll go down. Give me your money and +I'll go and pay them and we'll get out of this and go home. They can't +stop us; there's nothing to arrest you for." +</P> + +<P> +Nor was there. Fred paid the bill unmolested, save for the prying eyes +and babbling tongues of the rotunda. +</P> + +<P> +And a few hours from that, while the town was still ringing with news +of his downfall, the Wizard with his wife and son walked down from +their thousand-dollar suite into the corridor, their hands burdened +with their satchels. A waiter, with something between a sneer and an +obsequious smile upon his face, reached out for the valises, wondering +if it was still worth while. +</P> + +<P> +"You get to hell out of that!" said Fred. He had put on again his rough +store suit in which he had come from Cahoga County, and there was a +dangerous look about his big shoulders and his set jaw. And the waiter +slunk back. +</P> + +<P> +So did they pass, unarrested and unhindered, through corridor and +rotunda to the outer portals of the great hotel. +</P> + +<P> +Beside the door of the Palaver as they passed out was a tall official +with a uniform and a round hat. He was called by the authorities a +<I>chasseur</I> or a <I>commissionaire</I>, or some foreign name to mean that he +did nothing. +</P> + +<P> +At the sight of him the Wizard's face flushed for a moment, with a look +of his old perplexity. +</P> + +<P> +"I wonder," he began to murmur, "how much I ought—" +</P> + +<P> +"Not a damn cent, father," said Fred, as he shouldered past the +magnificent <I>chasseur</I>; "let him work." +</P> + +<P> +With which admirable doctrine the Wizard and his son passed from the +portals of the Grand Palaver. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +Nor was there any arrest either then or later. In spite of the +expectations of the rotunda and the announcements of the <I>Financial +Undertone</I>, the "man Tomlinson" was <I>not</I> arrested, neither as he left +the Grand Palaver nor as he stood waiting at the railroad station with +Fred and mother for the outgoing train for Cahoga County. +</P> + +<P> +There was nothing to arrest him for. That was not the least strange +part of the career of the Wizard of Finance. For when all the affairs +of the Erie Auriferous Consolidated were presently calculated up by the +labours of Skinyer and Beatem and the legal representatives of the +Orphans and the Idiots and the Deaf-mutes they resolved themselves into +the most beautiful and complete cipher conceivable. The salted gold +about paid for the cost of the incorporation certificate: the +development capital had disappeared, and those who lost most preferred +to say the least about it; and as for Tomlinson, if one added up his +gains on the stock market before the fall and subtracted his bill at +the Grand Palaver and the thousand dollars which he gave to Skinyer and +Beatem to recover his freehold on the lower half of his farm, and the +cost of three tickets to Cahoga station, the debit and credit account +balanced to a hair. +</P> + +<P> +Thus did the whole fortune of Tomlinson vanish in a night, even as the +golden palace seen in the mirage of a desert sunset may fade before the +eyes of the beholder, and leave no trace behind. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +It was some months after the collapse of the Erie Auriferous that the +university conferred upon Tomlinson the degree of Doctor of Letters <I>in +absentia</I>. A university must keep its word, and Dean Elderberry Foible, +who was honesty itself, had stubbornly maintained that a vote of the +faculty of arts once taken and written in the minute book became as +irrefragable as the Devonian rock itself. +</P> + +<P> +So the degree was conferred. And Dean Elderberry Foible, standing in a +long red gown before Dr. Boomer, seated in a long blue gown, read out +after the ancient custom of the college the Latin statement of the +award of the degree of Doctor of Letters, "Eduardus Tomlinsonius, vir +clarrisimus, doctissimus, praestissimus," and a great many other things +all ending in <I>issimus</I>. +</P> + +<P> +But the recipient was not there to receive. He stood at that moment +with his boy Fred on a windy hillside beside Lake Erie, where +Tomlinson's Creek ran again untrammelled to the lake. Nor was the scene +altered to the eye, for Tomlinson and his son had long since broken a +hole in the dam with pickaxe and crowbar, and day by day the angry +water carried down the vestiges of the embankment till all were gone. +The cedar poles of the electric lights had been cut into fence-rails; +the wooden shanties of the Italian gang of Auriferous workers had been +torn down and split into fire wood; and where they had stood, the +burdocks and the thistles of the luxuriant summer conspired to hide the +traces of their shame. Nature reached out its hand and drew its +coverlet of green over the grave of the vanished Eldorado. +</P> + +<P> +And as the Wizard and his son stood upon the hillside, they saw nothing +but the land sloping to the lake and the creek murmuring again to the +willows, while the off-shore wind rippled the rushes of the shallow +water. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap04"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER FOUR: The Yahi-Bahi Oriental Society of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown +</H3> + +<P> +Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown lived on Plutoria Avenue in a vast sandstone +palace, in which she held those fashionable entertainments which have +made the name of Rasselyer-Brown what it is. Mr. Rasselyer-Brown lived +there also. +</P> + +<P> +The exterior of the house was more or less a model of the facade of an +Italian palazzo of the sixteenth century. If one questioned Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown at dinner in regard to this (which was only a fair +return for drinking five dollar champagne), she answered that the +facade was <I>cinquecentisti</I>, but that it reproduced also the Saracenic +mullioned window of the Siennese School. But if the guest said later in +the evening to Mr. Rasselyer-Brown that he understood that his house +was <I>cinquecentisti</I>, he answered that he guessed it was. After which +remark and an interval of silence, Mr. Rasselyer-Brown would probably +ask the guest if he was dry. +</P> + +<P> +So from that one can tell exactly the sort of people the +Rasselyer-Browns were. +</P> + +<P> +In other words, Mr. Rasselyer-Brown was a severe handicap to Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown. He was more than that; the word isn't strong enough. +He was, as Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown herself confessed to her confidential +circle of three hundred friends, a drag. He was also a tie, and a +weight, and a burden, and in Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's religious moments a +crucifix. Even in the early years of their married life, some twenty or +twenty-five years ago, her husband had been a drag on her by being in +the coal and wood business. It is hard for a woman to have to realize +that her husband is making a fortune out of coal and wood and that +people know it. It ties one down. What a woman wants most of all—this, +of course, is merely a quotation from Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's own +thoughts as expressed to her three hundred friends—is room to expand, +to grow. The hardest thing in the world is to be stifled: and there is +nothing more stifling than a husband who doesn't know a Giotto from a +Carlo Dolci, but who can distinguish nut coal from egg and is never +asked to dinner without talking about the furnace. +</P> + +<P> +These, of course, were early trials. They had passed to some extent, or +were, at any rate, garlanded with the roses of time. +</P> + +<P> +But the drag remained. +</P> + +<P> +Even when the retail coal and wood stage was long since over, it was +hard to have to put up with a husband who owned a coal mine and who +bought pulp forests instead of illuminated missals of the twelfth +century. A coal mine is a dreadful thing at a dinner-table. It humbles +one so before one's guests. +</P> + +<P> +It wouldn't have been so bad—this Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown herself +admitted—if Mr. Rasselyer-Brown <I>did</I> anything. This phrase should be +clearly understood. It meant if there was any one thing that he <I>did</I>. +For instance if he had only <I>collected</I> anything. Thus, there was Mr. +Lucullus Fyshe, who made soda-water, but at the same time everybody +knew that he had the best collection of broken Italian furniture on the +continent; there wasn't a sound piece among the lot. +</P> + +<P> +And there was the similar example of old Mr. Feathertop. He didn't +exactly <I>collect</I> things; he repudiated the name. He was wont to say, +"Don't call me a collector, I'm <I>not</I>. I simply pick things up. Just +where I happen to be, Rome, Warsaw, Bucharest, anywhere"—and it is to +be noted what fine places these are to happen to be. And to think that +Mr. Rasselyer-Brown would never put his foot outside of the United +States! Whereas Mr. Feathertop would come back from what he called a +run to Europe, and everybody would learn in a week that he had picked +up the back of a violin in Dresden (actually discovered it in a violin +shop), and the lid of an Etruscan kettle (he had lighted on it, by pure +chance, in a kettle shop in Etruria), and Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown would +feel faint with despair at the nonentity of her husband. +</P> + +<P> +So one can understand how heavy her burden was. +</P> + +<P> +"My dear," she often said to her bosom friend, Miss Snagg, "I shouldn't +mind things so much" (the things she wouldn't mind were, let us say, +the two million dollars of standing timber which Brown Limited, the +ominous business name of Mr. Rasselyer-Brown, were buying that year) +"if Mr. Rasselyer-Brown <I>did</I> anything. But he does <I>nothing</I>. Every +morning after breakfast off to his wretched office, and never back till +dinner, and in the evening nothing but his club, or some business +meeting. One would think he would have more ambition. How I wish I had +been a man." +</P> + +<P> +It was certainly a shame. +</P> + +<P> +So it came that, in almost everything she undertook Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown had to act without the least help from her husband. +Every Wednesday, for instance, when the Dante Club met at her house +(they selected four lines each week to meditate on, and then discussed +them at lunch), Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown had to carry the whole burden of +it—her very phrase, "the whole burden"—alone. Anyone who has carried +four lines of Dante through a Moselle lunch knows what a weight it is. +</P> + +<P> +In all these things her husband was useless, quite useless. It is not +right to be ashamed of one's husband. And to do her justice, Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown always explained to her three hundred intimates that +she was <I>not</I> ashamed of him; in fact, that she <I>refused</I> to be. But it +was hard to see him brought into comparison at their own table with +superior men. Put him, for instance, beside Mr. Sikleigh Snoop, the +sex-poet, and where was he? Nowhere. He couldn't even understand what +Mr. Snoop was saying. And when Mr. Snoop would stand on the hearth-rug +with a cup of tea balanced in his hand, and discuss whether sex was or +was not the dominant note in Botticelli, Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown would be +skulking in a corner in his ill-fitting dress suit. His wife would +often catch with an agonized ear such scraps of talk as, "When I was +first in the coal and wood business," or, "It's a coal that burns +quicker than egg, but it hasn't the heating power of nut," or even in a +low undertone the words, "If you're feeling <I>dry</I> while he's reading—" +And this at a time when everybody in the room ought to have been +listening to Mr. Snoop. +</P> + +<P> +Nor was even this the whole burden of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. There was +another part of it which was perhaps more <I>real</I>, though Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown herself never put it into words. In fact, of this part +of her burden she never spoke, even to her bosom friend Miss Snagg; nor +did she talk about it to the ladies of the Dante Club, nor did she make +speeches on it to the members of the Women's Afternoon Art Society, nor +to the Monday Bridge Club. +</P> + +<P> +But the members of the Bridge Club and the Art Society and the Dante +Club all talked about it among themselves. +</P> + +<P> +Stated very simply, it was this: Mr. Rasselyer-Brown drank. It was not +meant that he was a drunkard or that he drank too much, or anything of +that sort. He drank. That was all. +</P> + +<P> +There was no excess about it. Mr. Rasselyer-Brown, of course, began the +day with an eye-opener—and after all, what alert man does not wish his +eyes well open in the morning? He followed it usually just before +breakfast with a bracer—and what wiser precaution can a businessman +take than to brace his breakfast? On his way to business he generally +had his motor stopped at the Grand Palaver for a moment, if it was a +raw day, and dropped in and took something to keep out the damp. If it +was a cold day he took something to keep out the cold, and if it was +one of those clear, sunny days that are so dangerous to the system he +took whatever the bartender (a recognized health expert) suggested to +tone the system up. After which he could sit down in his office and +transact more business, and bigger business, in coal, charcoal, wood, +pulp, pulpwood, and woodpulp, in two hours than any other man in the +business could in a week. Naturally so. For he was braced, and propped, +and toned up, and his eyes had been opened, and his brain cleared, till +outside of very big business, indeed, few men were on a footing with +him. +</P> + +<P> +In fact, it was business itself which had compelled Mr. Rasselyer-Brown +to drink. It is all very well for a junior clerk on twenty dollars a +week to do his work on sandwiches and malted milk. In big business it +is not possible. When a man begins to rise in business, as Mr. +Rasselyer-Brown had begun twenty-five years ago, he finds that if he +wants to succeed he must cut malted milk clear out. In any position of +responsibility a man has got to drink. No really big deal can be put +through without it. If two keen men, sharp as flint, get together to +make a deal in which each intends to outdo the other, the only way to +succeed is for them to adjourn to some such place as the luncheon-room +of the Mausoleum Club and both get partially drunk. This is what is +called the personal element in business. And, beside it, plodding +industry is nowhere. +</P> + +<P> +Most of all do these principles hold true in such manly out-of-door +enterprises as the forest and timber business, where one deals +constantly with chief rangers, and pathfinders, and wood-stalkers, +whose very names seem to suggest a horn of whiskey under a hemlock tree. +</P> + +<P> +But—let it be repeated and carefully understood—there was no excess +about Mr. Rasselyer-Brown's drinking. Indeed, whatever he might be +compelled to take during the day, and at the Mausoleum Club in the +evening, after his return from his club at night Mr. Rasselyer-Brown +made it a fixed rule to take nothing. He might, perhaps, as he passed +into the house, step into the dining-room and take a very small drink +at the sideboard. But this he counted as part of the return itself, and +not after it. And he might, if his brain were over-fatigued, drop down +later in the night in his pajamas and dressing-gown when the house was +quiet, and compose his mind with a brandy and water, or something +suitable to the stillness of the hour. But this was not really a drink. +Mr. Rasselyer-Brown called it a <I>nip</I>; and of course any man may need a +<I>nip</I> at a time when he would scorn a drink. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +But after all, a woman may find herself again in her daughter. There, +at least, is consolation. For, as Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown herself +admitted, her daughter, Dulphemia, was herself again. There were, of +course, differences, certain differences of face and appearance. Mr. +Snoop had expressed this fact exquisitely when he said that it was the +difference between a Burne-Jones and a Dante Gabriel Rossetti. But even +at that the mother and daughter were so alike that people, certain +people, were constantly mistaking them on the street. And as everybody +that mistook them was apt to be asked to dine on five-dollar champagne +there was plenty of temptation towards error. +</P> + +<P> +There is no doubt that Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown was a girl of +remarkable character and intellect. So is any girl who has beautiful +golden hair parted in thick bands on her forehead, and deep blue eyes +soft as an Italian sky. +</P> + +<P> +Even the oldest and most serious men in town admitted that in talking +to her they were aware of a grasp, a reach, a depth that surprised +them. Thus old Judge Longerstill, who talked to her at dinner for an +hour on the jurisdiction of the Interstate Commerce Commission, felt +sure from the way in which she looked up in his face at intervals and +said, "How interesting!" that she had the mind of a lawyer. And Mr. +Brace, the consulting engineer, who showed her on the table-cloth at +dessert with three forks and a spoon the method in which the overflow +of the spillway of the Gatun Dam is regulated, felt assured, from the +way she leaned her face on her hand sideways and said, "How +extraordinary!" that she had the brain of an engineer. Similarly +foreign visitors to the social circles of the city were delighted with +her. Viscount FitzThistle, who explained to Dulphemia for half an hour +the intricacies of the Irish situation, was captivated at the quick +grasp she showed by asking him at the end, without a second's +hesitation, "And which are the Nationalists?" +</P> + +<P> +This kind of thing represents female intellect in its best form. Every +man that is really a man is willing to recognize it at once. As to the +young men, of course they flocked to the Rasselyer-Brown residence in +shoals. There were batches of them every Sunday afternoon at five +o'clock, encased in long black frock-coats, sitting very rigidly in +upright chairs, trying to drink tea with one hand. One might see +athletic young college men of the football team trying hard to talk +about Italian music; and Italian tenors from the Grand Opera doing +their best to talk about college football. There were young men in +business talking about art, and young men in art talking about +religion, and young clergymen talking about business. Because, of +course, the Rasselyer-Brown residence was the kind of cultivated home +where people of education and taste are at liberty to talk about things +they don't know, and to utter freely ideas that they haven't got. It +was only now and again, when one of the professors from the college +across the avenue came booming into the room, that the whole +conversation was pulverized into dust under the hammer of accurate +knowledge. +</P> + +<P> +The whole process was what was called, by those who understood such +things, a <I>salon</I>. Many people said that Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's +afternoons at home were exactly like the delightful <I>salons</I> of the +eighteenth century: and whether the gatherings were or were not +<I>salons</I> of the eighteenth century, there is no doubt that Mr. +Rasselyer-Brown, under whose care certain favoured guests dropped +quietly into the back alcove of the dining-room, did his best to put +the gathering on a par with the best saloons of the twentieth. +</P> + +<P> +Now it so happened that there had come a singularly slack moment in the +social life of the City. The Grand Opera had sung itself into a huge +deficit and closed. There remained nothing of it except the efforts of +a committee of ladies to raise enough money to enable Signor Puffi to +leave town, and the generous attempt of another committee to gather +funds in order to keep Signor Pasti in the City. Beyond this, opera was +dead, though the fact that the deficit was nearly twice as large as it +had been the year before showed that public interest in music was +increasing. It was indeed a singularly trying time of the year. It was +too early to go to Europe; and too late to go to Bermuda. It was too +warm to go south, and yet still too cold to go north. In fact, one was +almost compelled to stay at home—which was dreadful. +</P> + +<P> +As a result Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown and her three hundred friends moved +backwards and forwards on Plutoria Avenue, seeking novelty in vain. +They washed in waves of silk from tango teas to bridge afternoons. They +poured in liquid avalanches of colour into crowded receptions, and they +sat in glittering rows and listened to lectures on the enfranchisement +of the female sex. But for the moment all was weariness. +</P> + +<P> +Now it happened, whether by accident or design, that just at this +moment of general <I>ennui</I> Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown and her three hundred +friends first heard of the presence in the city of Mr. Yahi-Bahi, the +celebrated Oriental mystic. He was so celebrated that nobody even +thought of asking who he was or where he came from. They merely told +one another, and repeated it, that he was <I>the</I> celebrated Yahi-Bahi. +They added for those who needed the knowledge that the name was +pronounced Yahhy-Bahhy, and that the doctrine taught by Mr. Yahi-Bahi +was Boohooism. This latter, if anyone inquired further, was explained +to be a form of Shoodooism, only rather more intense. In fact, it was +esoteric—on receipt of which information everybody remarked at once +how infinitely superior the Oriental peoples are to ourselves. +</P> + +<P> +Now as Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown was always a leader in everything that was +done in the best circles on Plutoria Avenue, she was naturally among +the first to visit Mr. Yahi-Bahi. +</P> + +<P> +"My dear," she said, in describing afterwards her experience to her +bosom friend, Miss Snagg, "it was <I>most</I> interesting. We drove away +down to the queerest part of the City, and went to the strangest little +house imaginable, up the narrowest stairs one ever saw—quite Eastern, +in fact, just like a scene out of the Koran." +</P> + +<P> +"How fascinating!" said Miss Snagg. But as a matter of fact, if Mr. +Yahi-Bahi's house had been inhabited, as it might have been, by a +streetcar conductor or a railway brakesman, Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown +wouldn't have thought it in any way peculiar or fascinating. +</P> + +<P> +"It was all hung with curtains inside," she went on, "with figures of +snakes and Indian gods, perfectly weird." +</P> + +<P> +"And did you see Mr. Yahi-Bahi?" asked Miss Snagg. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh no, my dear. I only saw his assistant Mr. Ram Spudd; such a queer +little round man, a Bengalee, I believe. He put his back against a +curtain and spread out his arms sideways and wouldn't let me pass. He +said that Mr. Yahi-Bahi was in meditation and mustn't be disturbed." +</P> + +<P> +"How delightful!" echoed Miss Snagg. +</P> + +<P> +But in reality Mr. Yahi-Bahi was sitting behind the curtain eating a +ten-cent can of pork and beans. +</P> + +<P> +"What I like most about eastern people," went on Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown, +"is their wonderful delicacy of feeling. After I had explained about my +invitation to Mr. Yahi-Bahi to come and speak to us on Boohooism, and +was going away, I took a dollar bill out of my purse and laid it on the +table. You should have seen the way Mr. Ram Spudd took it. He made the +deepest salaam and said, 'Isis guard you, beautiful lady.' Such perfect +courtesy, and yet with the air of scorning the money. As I passed out I +couldn't help slipping another dollar into his hand, and he took it as +if utterly unaware of it, and muttered, 'Osiris keep you, O flower of +women!' And as I got into the motor I gave him another dollar and he +said, 'Osis and Osiris both prolong your existence, O lily of the +ricefield,' and after he had said it he stood beside the door of the +motor and waited without moving till I left. He had such a strange, +rapt look, as if he were still expecting something!" +</P> + +<P> +"How exquisite!" murmured Miss Snagg. It was her business in life to +murmur such things as this for Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. On the whole, +reckoning Grand Opera tickets and dinners, she did very well out of it. +</P> + +<P> +"Is it not?" said Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. "So different from our men. I +felt so ashamed of my chauffeur, our new man, you know; he seemed such +a contrast beside Ram Spudd. The rude way in which the opened the door, +and the rude way in which he climbed on to his own seat, and the +<I>rudeness</I> with which he turned on the power—I felt positively +ashamed. And he so managed it—I am sure he did it on purpose—that the +car splashed a lot of mud over Mr. Spudd as it started." +</P> + +<P> +Yet, oddly enough, the opinion of other people on this new chauffeur, +that of Miss Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown herself, for example, to whose +service he was specially attached, was very different. +</P> + +<P> +The great recommendation of him in the eyes of Miss Dulphemia and her +friends, and the thing that gave him a touch of mystery was—and what +higher qualification can a chauffeur want?—that he didn't look like a +chauffeur at all. +</P> + +<P> +"My dear Dulphie," whispered Miss Philippa Furlong, the rector's sister +(who was at that moment Dulphemia's second self), as they sat behind +the new chauffeur, "don't tell me that he is a chauffeur, because he +<I>isn't</I>. He can chauffe, of course, but that's nothing." +</P> + +<P> +For the new chauffeur had a bronzed face, hard as metal, and a stern +eye; and when he put on a chauffeur's overcoat some how it seemed to +turn into a military greatcoat; and even when he put on the round cloth +cap of his profession it was converted straightway into a military +shako. And by Miss Dulphemia and her friends it was presently +reported—or was invented?—that he had served in the Philippines; +which explained at once the scar upon his forehead, which must have +been received at Iloilo, or Huila-Huila, or some other suitable place. +</P> + +<P> +But what affected Miss Dulphemia Brown herself was the splendid +rudeness of the chauffeur's manner. It was so different from that of +the young men of the <I>salon</I>. Thus, when Mr. Sikleigh Snoop handed her +into the car at any time he would dance about saying, "Allow me," and +"Permit me," and would dive forward to arrange the robes. But the +Philippine chauffeur merely swung the door open and said to Dulphemia, +"Get in," and then slammed it. +</P> + +<P> +This, of course, sent a thrill up the spine and through the imagination +of Miss Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown, because it showed that the chauffeur +was a gentleman in disguise. She thought it very probable that he was a +British nobleman, a younger son, very wild, of a ducal family; and she +had her own theories as to why he had entered the service of the +Rasselyer-Browns. To be quite candid about it, she expected that the +Philippine chauffeur meant to elope with her, and every time he drove +her from a dinner or a dance she sat back luxuriously, wishing and +expecting the elopement to begin. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +But for the time being the interest of Dulphemia, as of everybody else +that was anybody at all, centred round Mr. Yahi-Bahi and the new cult +of Boohooism. +</P> + +<P> +After the visit of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown a great number of ladies, also +in motors, drove down to the house of Mr. Yahi-Bahi. And all of them, +whether they saw Mr. Yahi-Bahi himself or his Bengalee assistant, Mr. +Ram Spudd, came back delighted. +</P> + +<P> +"Such exquisite tact!" said one. "Such delicacy! As I was about to go I +laid a five dollar gold piece on the edge of the little table. Mr. +Spudd scarcely seemed to see it. He murmured, 'Osiris help you!' and +pointed to the ceiling. I raised my eyes instinctively, and when I +lowered them the money had disappeared. I think he must have caused it +to vanish." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, I'm sure he did," said the listener. +</P> + +<P> +Others came back with wonderful stories of Mr. Yahi-Bahi's occult +powers, especially his marvellous gift of reading the future. +</P> + +<P> +Mrs. Buncomhearst, who had just lost her third husband—by divorce—had +received from Mr. Yahi-Bahi a glimpse into the future that was almost +uncanny in its exactness. She had asked for a divination, and Mr. +Yahi-Bahi had effected one by causing her to lay six ten-dollar pieces +on the table arranged in the form of a mystic serpent. Over these he +had bent and peered deeply, as if seeking to unravel their meaning, and +finally he had given her the prophecy, "Many things are yet to happen +before others begin." +</P> + +<P> +"How <I>does</I> he do it?" asked everybody. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +As a result of all this it naturally came about that Mr. Yahi-Bahi and +Mr. Ram Spudd were invited to appear at the residence of Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown; and it was understood that steps would be taken to +form a special society, to be known as the Yahi-Bahi Oriental Society. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Sikleigh Snoop, the sex-poet, was the leading spirit in the +organization. He had a special fitness for the task: he had actually +resided in India. In fact, he had spent six weeks there on a stop-over +ticket of a round-the-world 635 dollar steamship pilgrimage; and he +knew the whole country from Jehumbapore in Bhootal to Jehumbalabad in +the Carnatic. So he was looked upon as a great authority on India, +China, Mongolia, and all such places, by the ladies of Plutoria Avenue. +</P> + +<P> +Next in importance was Mrs. Buncomhearst, who became later, by a +perfectly natural process, the president of the society. She was +already president of the Daughters of the Revolution, a society +confined exclusively to the descendants of Washington's officers and +others; she was also president of the Sisters of England, an +organization limited exclusively to women born in England and +elsewhere; of the Daughters of Kossuth, made up solely of Hungarians +and friends of Hungary and other nations; and of the Circle of Franz +Joseph, which was composed exclusively of the partisans, and others, of +Austria. In fact, ever since she had lost her third husband, Mrs. +Buncomhearst had thrown herself—that was her phrase—into outside +activities. Her one wish was, on her own statement, to lose herself. So +very naturally Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown looked at once to Mrs. Buncomhearst +to preside over the meetings of the new society. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +The large dining-room at the Rasselyer-Browns' had been cleared out as +a sort of auditorium, and in it some fifty or sixty of Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown's more intimate friends had gathered. The whole meeting +was composed of ladies, except for the presence of one or two men who +represented special cases. There was, of course, little Mr. Spillikins, +with his vacuous face and football hair, who was there, as everybody +knew, on account of Dulphemia; and there was old Judge Longerstill, who +sat leaning on a gold-headed stick with his head sideways, trying to +hear some fraction of what was being said. He came to the gathering in +the hope that it would prove a likely place for seconding a vote of +thanks and saying a few words—half an hour's talk, perhaps—on the +constitution of the United States. Failing that, he felt sure that at +least someone would call him "this eminent old gentleman," and even +that was better than staying at home. +</P> + +<P> +But for the most part the audience was composed of women, and they sat +in a little buzz of conversation waiting for Mr. Yahi-Bahi. +</P> + +<P> +"I wonder," called Mrs. Buncomhearst from the chair, "if some lady +would be good enough to write minutes? Miss Snagg, I wonder if you +would be kind enough to write minutes? Could you?" +</P> + +<P> +"I shall be delighted," said Miss Snagg, "but I'm afraid there's hardly +time to write them before we begin, is there?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, but it would be all right to write them <I>afterwards</I>," chorussed +several ladies who understood such things; "it's quite often done that +way." +</P> + +<P> +"And I should like to move that we vote a constitution," said a stout +lady with a double eye-glass. +</P> + +<P> +"Is that carried?" said Mrs. Buncomhearst. "All those in favour please +signify." +</P> + +<P> +Nobody stirred. +</P> + +<P> +"Carried," said the president. "And perhaps you would be good enough, +Mrs. Fyshe," she said, turning towards the stout lady, "to <I>write</I> the +constitution." +</P> + +<P> +"Do you think it necessary to <I>write</I> it?" said Mrs. Fyshe. "I should +like to move, if I may, that I almost wonder whether it is necessary to +write the constitution—unless, of course, anybody thinks that we +really ought to." +</P> + +<P> +"Ladies," said the president, "you have heard the motion. All those +against it—" +</P> + +<P> +There was no sign. +</P> + +<P> +"All those in favour of it—" +</P> + +<P> +There was still no sign. +</P> + +<P> +"Lost," she said. +</P> + +<P> +Then, looking across at the clock on the mantel-piece, and realizing +that Mr. Yahi-Bahi must have been delayed and that something must be +done, she said: +</P> + +<P> +"And now, ladies, as we have in our midst a most eminent gentleman who +probably has thought more deeply about constitutions than—" +</P> + +<P> +All eyes turned at once towards Judge Longerstill, but as fortune had +it at this very moment Mr. Sikleigh Snoop entered, followed by Mr. +Yahi-Bahi and Mr. Ram Spudd. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Yahi-Bahi was tall. His drooping Oriental costume made him taller +still. He had a long brown face and liquid brown eyes of such depth +that when he turned them full upon the ladies before him a shiver of +interest and apprehension followed in the track of his glance. +</P> + +<P> +"My dear," said Miss Snagg afterwards, "he seemed simply to see right +through us." +</P> + +<P> +This was correct. He did. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Ram Spudd presented a contrast to his superior. He was short and +round, with a dimpled mahogany face and eyes that twinkled in it like +little puddles of molasses. His head was bound in a turban and his body +was swathed in so many bands and sashes that he looked almost circular. +The clothes of both Mr. Yahi-Bahi and Ram Spudd were covered with the +mystic signs of Buddha and the seven serpents of Vishnu. +</P> + +<P> +It was impossible, of course, for Mr. Yahi-Bahi or Mr. Ram Spudd to +address the audience. Their knowledge of English was known to be too +slight for that. Their communications were expressed entirely through +the medium of Mr. Snoop, and even he explained afterwards that it was +very difficult. The only languages of India which he was able to speak, +he said, with any fluency were Gargamic and Gumaic both of these being +old Dravidian dialects with only two hundred and three words in each, +and hence in themselves very difficult to converse in. Mr. Yahi-Bahi +answered in what Mr. Snoop understood to be the Iramic of the Vedas, a +very rich language, but one which unfortunately he did not understand. +The dilemma is one familiar to all Oriental scholars. +</P> + +<P> +All of this Mr. Snoop explained in the opening speech which he +proceeded to make. And after this he went on to disclose, amid deep +interest, the general nature of the cult of Boohooism. He said that +they could best understand it if he told them that its central doctrine +was that of Bahee. Indeed, the first aim of all followers of the cult +was to attain to Bahee. Anybody who could spend a certain number of +hours each day, say sixteen, in silent meditation on Boohooism would +find his mind gradually reaching a condition of Bahee. The chief aim of +Bahee itself was sacrifice: a true follower of the cult must be willing +to sacrifice his friends, or his relatives, and even strangers, in +order to reach Bahee. In this way one was able fully to realize oneself +and enter into the Higher Indifference. Beyond this, further meditation +and fasting—by which was meant living solely on fish, fruit, wine, and +meat—one presently attained to complete Swaraj or Control of Self, and +might in time pass into the absolute Nirvana, or the Negation of +Emptiness, the supreme goal of Boohooism. +</P> + +<P> +As a first step to all this, Mr. Snoop explained, each neophyte or +candidate for holiness must, after searching his own heart, send ten +dollars to Mr. Yahi-Bahi. Gold, it appeared, was recognized in the cult +of Boohooism as typifying the three chief virtues, whereas silver or +paper money did not; even national banknotes were only regarded as do +or, a halfway palliation; and outside currencies such as Canadian or +Mexican bills were looked upon as entirely boo, or contemptible. The +Oriental view of money, said Mr. Snoop, was far superior to our own, +but it also might be attained by deep thought, and, as a beginning, by +sending ten dollars to Mr. Yahi-Bahi. +</P> + +<P> +After this Mr. Snoop, in conclusion, read a very beautiful Hindu poem, +translating it as he went along. It began, "O cow, standing beside the +Ganges, and apparently without visible occupation," and it was voted +exquisite by all who heard it. The absence of rhyme and the entire +removal of ideas marked it as far beyond anything reached as yet by +Occidental culture. +</P> + +<P> +When Mr. Snoop had concluded, the president called upon Judge +Longerstill for a few words of thanks, which he gave, followed by a +brief talk on the constitution of the United States. +</P> + +<P> +After this the society was declared constituted, Mr. Yahi-Bahi made +four salaams, one to each point of the compass, and the meeting +dispersed. +</P> + +<P> +And that evening, over fifty dinner tables, everybody discussed the +nature of Bahee, and tried in vain to explain it to men too stupid to +understand. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +Now it so happened that on the very afternoon of this meeting at Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown's, the Philippine chauffeur did a strange and peculiar +thing. He first asked Mr. Rasselyer-Brown for a few hours' leave of +absence to attend the funeral of his mother in-law. This was a request +which Mr. Rasselyer-Brown, on principle, never refused to a man-servant. +</P> + +<P> +Whereupon, the Philippine chauffeur, no longer attired as one, visited +the residence of Mr. Yahi-Bahi. He let himself in with a marvellous +little key which he produced from a very wonderful bunch of such. He +was in the house for nearly half an hour, and when he emerged, the +notebook in his breast pocket, had there been an eye to read it, would +have been seen to be filled with stranger details in regard to Oriental +mysticism than even Mr. Yahi-Bahi had given to the world. So strange +were they that before the Philippine chauffeur returned to the +Rasselyer-Brown residence he telegraphed certain and sundry parts of +them to New York. But why he should have addressed them to the head of +a detective bureau instead of to a college of Oriental research it +passes the imagination to conceive. But as the chauffeur duly +reappeared at motor-time in the evening the incident passed unnoticed. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +It is beyond the scope of the present narrative to trace the progress +of Boohooism during the splendid but brief career of the Yahi-Bahi +Oriental Society. There could be no doubt of its success. Its +principles appealed with great strength to all the more cultivated +among the ladies of Plutoria Avenue. There was something in the +Oriental mysticism of its doctrines which rendered previous belief +stale and puerile. The practice of the sacred rites began at once. The +ladies' counters of the Plutorian banks were inundated with requests +for ten-dollar pieces in exchange for banknotes. At dinner in the best +houses nothing was eaten except a thin soup (or bru), followed by fish, +succeeded by meat or by game, especially such birds as are particularly +pleasing to Buddha, as the partridge, the pheasant, and the woodcock. +After this, except for fruits and wine, the principle of Swaraj, or +denial of self, was rigidly imposed. Special Oriental dinners of this +sort were given, followed by listening to the reading of Oriental +poetry, with closed eyes and with the mind as far as possible in a +state of Stoj, or Negation of Thought. +</P> + +<P> +By this means the general doctrine of Boohooism spread rapidly. Indeed, +a great many of the members of the society soon attained to a stage of +Bahee, or the Higher Indifference, that it would have been hard to +equal outside of Juggapore or Jumbumbabad. For example, when Mrs. +Buncomhearst learned of the remarriage of her second husband—she had +lost him three years before, owing to a difference of opinion on the +emancipation of women—she showed the most complete Bahee possible. And +when Miss Snagg learned that her brother in Venezuela had died—a very +sudden death brought on by drinking rum for seventeen years—and had +left her ten thousand dollars, the Bahee which she exhibited almost +amounted to Nirvana. +</P> + +<P> +In fact, the very general dissemination of the Oriental idea became +more and more noticeable with each week that passed. Some members +attained to so complete a Bahee, or Higher Indifference, that they even +ceased to attend the meetings of the society; others reached a Swaraj, +or Control of Self, so great that they no longer read its pamphlets; +while others again actually passed into Nirvana, to a Complete Negation +of Self, so rapidly that they did not even pay their subscriptions. +</P> + +<P> +But features of this sort, of course, are familiar wherever a +successful occult creed makes its way against the prejudices of the +multitude. +</P> + +<P> +The really notable part of the whole experience was the marvellous +demonstration of occult power which attended the final seance of the +society, the true nature of which is still wrapped in mystery. +</P> + +<P> +For some weeks it had been rumoured that a very special feat or +demonstration of power by Mr. Yahi-Bahi was under contemplation. In +fact, the rapid spread of Swaraj and of Nirvana among the members +rendered such a feat highly desirable. Just what form the demonstration +would take was for some time a matter of doubt. It was whispered at +first that Mr. Yahi-Bahi would attempt the mysterious eastern rite of +burying Ram Spudd alive in the garden of the Rasselyer-Brown residence +and leaving him there in a state of Stoj, or Suspended Inanition, for +eight days. But this project was abandoned, owing to some doubt, +apparently, in the mind of Mr. Ram Spudd as to his astral fitness for +the high state of Stoj necessitated by the experiment. +</P> + +<P> +At last it became known to the members of the Poosh, or Inner Circle, +under the seal of confidence, that Mr. Yahi-Bahi would attempt nothing +less than the supreme feat of occultism, namely, a reincarnation, or +more correctly a reastralization of Buddha. +</P> + +<P> +The members of the Inner Circle shivered with a luxurious sense of +mystery when they heard of it. +</P> + +<P> +"Has it ever been done before?" they asked of Mr. Snoop. +</P> + +<P> +"Only a few times," he said; "once, I believe, by Jam-bum, the famous +Yogi of the Carnatic; once, perhaps twice, by Boohoo, the founder of +the sect. But it is looked upon as extremely rare. Mr. Yahi tells me +that the great danger is that, if the slightest part of the formula is +incorrectly observed, the person attempting the astralization is +swallowed up into nothingness. However, he declares himself willing to +try." +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +The seance was to take place at Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's residence, and +was to be at midnight. +</P> + +<P> +"At midnight!" said each member in surprise. And the answer was, "Yes, +at midnight. You see, midnight here is exactly midday in Allahabad in +India." +</P> + +<P> +This explanation was, of course, ample. "Midnight," repeated everybody +to everybody else, "is exactly midday in Allahabad." That made things +perfectly clear. Whereas if midnight had been midday in Timbuctoo the +whole situation would have been different. +</P> + +<P> +Each of the ladies was requested to bring to the seance some ornament +of gold; but it must be plain gold, without any setting of stones. +</P> + +<P> +It was known already that, according to the cult of Boohooism, gold, +plain gold, is the seat of the three virtues—beauty, wisdom and grace. +Therefore, according to the creed of Boohooism, anyone who has enough +gold, plain gold, is endowed with these virtues and is all right. All +that is needed is to have enough of it; the virtues follow as a +consequence. +</P> + +<P> +But for the great experiment the gold used must not be set with stones, +with the one exception of rubies, which are known to be endowed with +the three attributes of Hindu worship, modesty, loquacity, and +pomposity. +</P> + +<P> +In the present case it was found that as a number of ladies had nothing +but gold ornaments set with diamonds, a second exception was made; +especially as Mr. Yahi-Bahi, on appeal, decided that diamonds, though +less pleasing to Buddha than rubies, possessed the secondary Hindu +virtues of divisibility, movability, and disposability. +</P> + +<P> +On the evening in question the residence of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown might +have been observed at midnight wrapped in utter darkness. No lights +were shown. A single taper, brought by Ram Spudd from the Taj Mohal, +and resembling in its outer texture those sold at the five-and-ten +store near Mr. Spudd's residence, burned on a small table in the vast +dining-room. The servants had been sent upstairs and expressly enjoined +to retire at half past ten. Moreover, Mr. Rasselyer-Brown had had to +attend that evening, at the Mausoleum Club, a meeting of the trustees +of the Church of St. Asaph, and he had come home at eleven o'clock, as +he always did after diocesan work of this sort, quite used up; in fact, +so fatigued that he had gone upstairs to his own suite of rooms +sideways, his knees bending under him. So utterly used up was he with +his church work that, as far as any interest in what might be going on +in his own residence, he had attained to a state of Bahee, or Higher +Indifference, that even Buddha might have envied. +</P> + +<P> +The guests, as had been arranged, arrived noiselessly and on foot. All +motors were left at least a block away. They made their way up the +steps of the darkened house, and were admitted without ringing, the +door opening silently in front of them. Mr. Yahi-Bahi and Mr. Ram +Spudd, who had arrived on foot carrying a large parcel, were already +there, and were behind a screen in the darkened room, reported to be in +meditation. +</P> + +<P> +At a whispered word from Mr. Snoop, who did duty at the door, all furs +and wraps were discarded in the hall and laid in a pile. Then the +guests passed silently into the great dining room. There was no light +in it except the dim taper which stood on a little table. On this table +each guest, as instructed, laid an ornament of gold, and at the same +time was uttered in a low voice the word Ksvoo. This means, "O Buddha, +I herewith lay my unworthy offering at thy feet; take it and keep it +for ever." It was explained that this was only a form. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +"What is he doing?" whispered the assembled guests as they saw Mr. +Yahi-Bahi pass across the darkened room and stand in front of the +sideboard. +</P> + +<P> +"Hush!" said Mr. Snoop; "he's laying the propitiatory offering for +Buddha." +</P> + +<P> +"It's an Indian rite," whispered Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Yahi-Bahi could be seen dimly moving to and fro in front of the +sideboard. There was a faint clinking of glass. +</P> + +<P> +"He has to set out a glass of Burmese brandy, powdered over with nutmeg +and aromatics," whispered Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. "I had the greatest +hunt to get it all for him. He said that nothing but Burmese brandy +would do, because in the Hindu religion the god can only be invoked +with Burmese brandy, or, failing that, Hennessy's with three stars, +which is not entirely displeasing to Buddha." +</P> + +<P> +"The aromatics," whispered Mr. Snoop, "are supposed to waft a perfume +or incense to reach the nostrils of the god. The glass of propitiatory +wine and the aromatic spices are mentioned in the Vishnu-Buddayat." +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Yahi-Bahi, his preparations completed, was now seen to stand in +front of the sideboard bowing deeply four times in an Oriental salaam. +The light of the single taper had by this time burned so dim that his +movements were vague and uncertain. His body cast great flickering +shadows on the half-seen wall. From his throat there issued a low wail +in which the word wah! wah! could be distinguished. +</P> + +<P> +The excitement was intense. +</P> + +<P> +"What does wah mean?" whispered Mr. Spillikins. +</P> + +<P> +"Hush!" said Mr. Snoop; "it means, 'O Buddha, wherever thou art in thy +lofty Nirvana, descend yet once in astral form before our eyes!'" +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Yahi-Bahi rose. He was seen to place one finger on his lips and +then, silently moving across the room, he disappeared behind the +screen. Of what Mr. Ram Spudd was doing during this period there is no +record. It was presumed that he was still praying. +</P> + +<P> +The stillness was now absolute. +</P> + +<P> +"We must wait in perfect silence," whispered Mr. Snoop from the extreme +tips of his lips. +</P> + +<P> +Everybody sat in strained intensity, silent, looking towards the vague +outline of the sideboard. +</P> + +<P> +The minutes passed. No one moved. All were spellbound in expectancy. +</P> + +<P> +Still the minutes passed. The taper had flickered down till the great +room was almost in darkness. +</P> + +<P> +Could it be that by some neglect in the preparations, the substitution +perhaps of the wrong brandy, the astralization could not be effected? +</P> + +<P> +But no. +</P> + +<P> +Quite suddenly, it seemed, everybody in the darkened room was aware of +a <I>presence</I>. That was the word as afterwards repeated in a hundred +confidential discussions. A <I>presence</I>. One couldn't call it a body. It +wasn't. It was a figure, an astral form, a presence. +</P> + +<P> +"Buddha!" they gasped as they looked at it. +</P> + +<P> +Just how the figure entered the room, the spectators could never +afterwards agree. Some thought it appeared through the wall, +deliberately astralizing itself as it passed through the bricks. Others +seemed to have seen it pass in at the farther door of the room, as if +it had astralized itself at the foot of the stairs in the back of the +hall outside. +</P> + +<P> +Be that as it may, there it stood before them, the astralized shape of +the Indian deity, so that to every lip there rose the half-articulated +word, "Buddha"; or at least to every lip except that of Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown. From her there came no sound. +</P> + +<P> +The figure as afterwards described was attired in a long <I>shirak</I>, such +as is worn by the Grand Llama of Tibet, and resembling, if the +comparison were not profane, a modern dressing-gown. The legs, if one +might so call them, of the apparition were enwrapped in loose +punjahamas, a word which is said to be the origin of the modern +pyjamas; while the feet, if they were feet, were encased in loose +slippers. +</P> + +<P> +Buddha moved slowly across the room. Arrived at the sideboard the +astral figure paused, and even in the uncertain light Buddha was seen +to raise and drink the propitiatory offering. That much was perfectly +clear. Whether Buddha spoke or not is doubtful. Certain of the +spectators thought that he said, 'Must a fagotnit', which is +Hindustanee for "Blessings on this house." To Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's +distracted mind it seemed as if Buddha said, "I must have forgotten it" +But this wild fancy she never breathed to a soul. +</P> + +<P> +Silently Buddha recrossed the room, slowly wiping one arm across his +mouth after the Hindu gesture of farewell. +</P> + +<P> +For perhaps a full minute after the disappearance of Buddha not a soul +moved. Then quite suddenly Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown, unable to stand the +tension any longer, pressed an electric switch and the whole room was +flooded with light. +</P> + +<P> +There sat the affrighted guests staring at one another with pale faces. +</P> + +<P> +But, to the amazement and horror of all, the little table in the centre +stood empty—not a single gem, not a fraction of the gold that had lain +upon it was left. All had disappeared. +</P> + +<P> +The truth seemed to burst upon everyone at once. There was no doubt of +what had happened. +</P> + +<P> +The gold and the jewels had been deastralized. Under the occult power +of the vision they had been demonetized, engulfed into the astral plane +along with the vanishing Buddha. +</P> + +<P> +Filled with the sense of horror still to come, somebody pulled aside +the little screen. They fully expected to find the lifeless bodies of +Mr. Yahi-Bahi and the faithful Ram Spudd. What they saw before them was +more dreadful still. The outer Oriental garments of the two devotees +lay strewn upon the floor. The long sash of Yahi-Bahi and the thick +turban of Ram Spudd were side by side near them; almost sickening in +its repulsive realism was the thick black head of hair of the junior +devotee, apparently torn from his scalp as if by lightning and bearing +a horrible resemblance to the cast-off wig of an actor. +</P> + +<P> +The truth was too plain. +</P> + +<P> +"They are engulfed!" cried a dozen voices at once. +</P> + +<P> +It was realized in a flash that Yahi-Bahi and Ram Spudd had paid the +penalty of their daring with their lives. Through some fatal neglect, +against which they had fairly warned the participants of the seance, +the two Orientals had been carried bodily in the astral plane. +</P> + +<P> +"How dreadful!" murmured Mr. Snoop. "We must have made some awful +error." +</P> + +<P> +"Are they deastralized?" murmured Mrs. Buncomhearst. +</P> + +<P> +"Not a doubt of it," said Mr. Snoop. +</P> + +<P> +And then another voice in the group was heard to say, "We must hush it +up. We <I>can't</I> have it known!" +</P> + +<P> +On which a chorus of voices joined in, everybody urging that it must be +hushed up. +</P> + +<P> +"Couldn't you try to reastralize them?" said somebody to Mr. Snoop. +</P> + +<P> +"No, no," said Mr. Snoop, still shaking. "Better not try to. We must +hush it up if we can." +</P> + +<P> +And the general assent to this sentiment showed that, after all, the +principles of Bahee, or Indifference to Others, had taken a real root +in the society. +</P> + +<P> +"Hush it up," cried everybody, and there was a general move towards the +hall. +</P> + +<P> +"Good Heavens!" exclaimed Mrs. Buncomhearst; "our wraps!" +</P> + +<P> +"Deastralized!" said the guests. +</P> + +<P> +There was a moment of further consternation as everybody gazed at the +spot where the ill-fated pile of furs and wraps had lain. +</P> + +<P> +"Never mind," said everybody, "let's go without them—don't stay. Just +think if the police should—" +</P> + +<P> +And at the word police, all of a sudden there was heard in the street +the clanging of a bell and the racing gallop of the horses of the +police patrol wagon. +</P> + +<P> +"The police!" cried everybody. "Hush it up! Hush it up!" For of course +the principles of Bahee are not known to the police. +</P> + +<P> +In another moment the doorbell of the house rang with a long and +violent peal, and in a second as it seemed, the whole hall was filled +with bulky figures uniformed in blue. +</P> + +<P> +"It's all right, Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown," cried a loud, firm voice from +the sidewalk. "We have them both. Everything is here. We got them +before they'd gone a block. But if you don't mind, the police must get +a couple of names for witnesses in the warrant." +</P> + +<P> +It was the Philippine chauffeur. But he was no longer attired as such. +He wore the uniform of an inspector of police, and there was the metal +badge of the Detective Department now ostentatiously outside his coat. +</P> + +<P> +And beside him, one on each side of him, there stood the deastralized +forms of Yahi-Bahi and Ram Spudd. They wore long overcoats, doubtless +the contents of the magic parcels, and the Philippine chauffeur had a +grip of iron on the neck of each as they stood. Mr. Spudd had lost his +Oriental hair, and the face of Mr. Yahi-Bahi, perhaps in the struggle +which had taken place, had been scraped white in patches. +</P> + +<P> +They were making no attempt to break away. Indeed, Mr. Spudd, with that +complete Bahee, or Submission to Fate, which is attained only by long +services in state penitentiaries, was smiling and smoking a cigarette. +</P> + +<P> +"We were waiting for them," explained a tall police officer to the two +or three ladies who now gathered round him with a return of courage. +"They had the stuff in a hand-cart and were pushing it away. The chief +caught them at the corner, and rang the patrol from there. You'll find +everything all right, I think, ladies," he added, as a burly assistant +was seen carrying an armload of furs up the steps. +</P> + +<P> +Somehow many of the ladies realized at the moment what cheery, safe, +reliable people policemen in blue are, and what a friendly, familiar +shelter they offer against the wiles of Oriental occultism. +</P> + +<P> +"Are they old criminals?" someone asked. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, ma'am. They've worked this same thing in four cities already, and +both of them have done time, and lots of it. They've only been out six +months. No need to worry over them," he concluded with a shrug of the +shoulders. +</P> + +<P> +So the furs were restored and the gold and the jewels parcelled out +among the owners, and in due course Mr. Yahi-Bahi and Mr. Ram Spudd +were lifted up into the patrol wagon where they seated themselves with +a composure worthy of the best traditions of Jehumbabah and +Bahoolapore. In fact, Mr. Spudd was heard to address the police as +"boys," and to remark that they had "got them good" that time. +</P> + +<P> +So the seance ended and the guests vanished, and the Yahi-Bahi Society +terminated itself without even a vote of dissolution. +</P> + +<P> +And in all the later confidential discussions of the episode only one +point of mysticism remained. After they had time really to reflect on +it, free from all danger of arrest, the members of the society realized +that on one point the police were entirely off the truth of things. For +Mr. Yahi-Bahi, whether a thief or not, and whether he came from the +Orient, or, as the police said, from Missouri, had actually succeeded +in reastralizing Buddha. +</P> + +<P> +Nor was anyone more emphatic on this point than Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown +herself. +</P> + +<P> +"For after all," she said, "if it was not Buddha, who was it?" +</P> + +<P> +And the question was never answered. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap05"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER FIVE: The Love Story of Mr. Peter Spillikins +</H3> + +<P> +Almost any day, on Plutoria Avenue or thereabouts, you may see little +Mr. Spillikins out walking with his four tall sons, who are practically +as old as himself. +</P> + +<P> +To be exact, Mr. Spillikins is twenty-four, and Bob, the oldest of the +boys, must be at least twenty. Their exact ages are no longer known, +because, by a dreadful accident, their mother forgot them. This was at +a time when the boys were all at Mr. Wackem's Academy for Exceptional +Youths in the foothills of Tennessee, and while their mother, Mrs. +Everleigh, was spending the winter on the Riviera and felt that for +their own sake she must not allow herself to have the boys with her. +</P> + +<P> +But now, of course, since Mrs. Everleigh has remarried and become Mrs. +Everleigh-Spillikins there is no need to keep them at Mr. Wackem's any +longer. Mr. Spillikins is able to look after them. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Spillikins generally wears a little top hat and an English morning +coat. The boys are in Eton jackets and black trousers, which, at their +mother's wish, are kept just a little too short for them. This is +because Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins feels that the day will come some +day—say fifteen years hence—when the boys will no longer be children, +and meantime it is so nice to feel that they are still mere boys. Bob +is the eldest, but Sib the youngest is the tallest, whereas Willie the +third boy is the dullest, although this has often been denied by those +who claim that Gib the second boy is just a trifle duller. Thus at any +rate there is a certain equality and good fellowship all round. +</P> + +<P> +Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins is not to be seen walking with them. She is +probably at the race-meet, being taken there by Captain Cormorant of +the United States navy, which Mr. Spillikins considers very handsome of +him. Every now and then the captain, being in the navy, is compelled to +be at sea for perhaps a whole afternoon or even several days; in which +case Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins is very generally taken to the Hunt Club +or the Country Club by Lieutenant Hawk, which Mr. Spillikins regards as +awfully thoughtful of him. Or if Lieutenant Hawk is also out of town +for the day, as he sometimes has to be, because he is in the United +States army, Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins is taken out by old Colonel +Shake, who is in the State militia and who is at leisure all the time. +</P> + +<P> +During their walks on Plutoria Avenue one may hear the four boys +addressing Mr. Spillikins as "father" and "dad" in deep bull-frog +voices. +</P> + +<P> +"Say, dad," drawls Bob, "couldn't we all go to the ball game?" +</P> + +<P> +"No. Say, dad," says Gib, "let's all go back to the house and play +five-cent pool in the billiard-room." +</P> + +<P> +"All right, boys," says Mr. Spillikins. And a few minutes later one may +see them all hustling up the steps of the Everleigh-Spillikins's +mansion, quite eager at the prospect, and all talking together. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +Now the whole of this daily panorama, to the eye that can read it, +represents the outcome of the tangled love story of Mr. Spillikins, +which culminated during the summer houseparty at Castel Casteggio, the +woodland retreat of Mr. and Mrs. Newberry. +</P> + +<P> +But to understand the story one must turn back a year or so to the time +when Mr. Peter Spillikins used to walk on Plutoria Avenue alone, or sit +in the Mausoleum Club listening to the advice of people who told him +that he really ought to get married. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +In those days the first thing that one noticed about Mr. Peter +Spillikins was his exalted view of the other sex. Every time he passed +a beautiful woman in the street he said to himself, "I say!" Even when +he met a moderately beautiful one he murmured, "By Jove!" When an +Easter hat went sailing past, or a group of summer parasols stood +talking on a leafy corner, Mr. Spillikins ejaculated, "My word!" At the +opera and at tango teas his projecting blue eyes almost popped out of +his head. +</P> + +<P> +Similarly, if he happened to be with one of his friends, he would +murmur, "I say, <I>do</I> look at that beautiful girl," or would exclaim, "I +say, don't look, but isn't that an awfully pretty girl across the +street?" or at the opera, "Old man, don't let her see you looking, but +do you see that lovely girl in the box opposite?" +</P> + +<P> +One must add to this that Mr. Spillikins, in spite of his large and +bulging blue eyes, enjoyed the heavenly gift of short sight. As a +consequence he lived in a world of amazingly beautiful women. And as +his mind was focused in the same way as his eyes he endowed them with +all the virtues and graces which ought to adhere to fifty-dollar +flowered hats and cerise parasols with ivory handles. +</P> + +<P> +Nor, to do him justice, did Mr. Spillikins confine his attitude to his +view of women alone. He brought it to bear on everything. Every time he +went to the opera he would come away enthusiastic, saying, "By Jove, +isn't it simply splendid! Of course I haven't the ear to appreciate +it—I'm not musical, you know—but even with the little that I know, +it's great; it absolutely puts me to sleep." And of each new novel that +he bought he said, "It's a perfectly wonderful book! Of course I +haven't the head to understand it, so I didn't finish it, but it's +simply thrilling." Similarly with painting, "It's one of the most +marvellous pictures I ever saw," he would say. "Of course I've no eye +for pictures, and I couldn't see anything in it, but it's wonderful!" +</P> + +<P> +The career of Mr. Spillikins up to the point of which we are speaking +had hitherto not been very satisfactory, or at least not from the point +of view of Mr. Boulder, who was his uncle and trustee. Mr. Boulder's +first idea had been to have Mr. Spillikins attend the university. Dr. +Boomer, the president, had done his best to spread abroad the idea that +a university education was perfectly suitable even for the rich; that +it didn't follow that because a man was a university graduate he need +either work or pursue his studies any further; that what the university +aimed to do was merely to put a certain stamp upon a man. That was all. +And this stamp, according to the tenor of the president's convocation +addresses, was perfectly harmless. No one ought to be afraid of it. As +a result, a great many of the very best young men in the City, who had +no need for education at all, were beginning to attend college. "It +marked," said Dr. Boomer, "a revolution." +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Spillikins himself was fascinated with his studies. The professors +seemed to him living wonders. +</P> + +<P> +"By Jove!" he said, "the professor of mathematics is a marvel. You +ought to see him explaining trigonometry on the blackboard. You can't +understand a word of it." He hardly knew which of his studies he liked +best. "Physics," he said, "is a wonderful study. I got five per cent in +it. But, by Jove! I had to work for it. I'd go in for it altogether if +they'd let me." +</P> + +<P> +But that was just the trouble—they wouldn't. And so in course of time +Mr. Spillikins was compelled, for academic reasons, to abandon his life +work. His last words about it were, "Gad! I nearly passed in +trigonometry!" and he always said afterwards that he had got a +tremendous lot out of the university. +</P> + +<P> +After that, as he had to leave the university, his trustee, Mr. +Boulder, put Mr. Spillikins into business. It was, of course, his own +business, one of the many enterprises for which Mr. Spillikins, ever +since he was twenty-one, had already been signing documents and +countersigning cheques. So Mr. Spillikins found himself in a mahogany +office selling wholesale oil. And he liked it. He said that business +sharpened one up tremendously. +</P> + +<P> +"I'm afraid, Mr. Spillikins," a caller in the mahogany office would +say, "that we can't meet you at five dollars. Four seventy is the best +we can do on the present market." +</P> + +<P> +"My dear chap," said Mr. Spillikins, "that's all right. After all, +thirty cents isn't much, eh what? Dash it, old man, we won't fight +about thirty cents. How much do you want?" +</P> + +<P> +"Well, at four seventy we'll take twenty thousand barrels." +</P> + +<P> +"By Jove!" said Mr. Spillikins; "twenty thousand barrels. Gad! you want +a lot, don't you? Pretty big sale, eh, for a beginner like me? I guess +uncle'll be tickled to death." +</P> + +<P> +So tickled was he that after a few weeks of oil-selling Mr. Boulder +urged Mr. Spillikins to retire, and wrote off many thousand dollars +from the capital value of his estate. +</P> + +<P> +So after this there was only one thing for Mr. Spillikins to do, and +everybody told him so—namely to get married. "Spillikins," said his +friends at the club after they had taken all his loose money over the +card table, "you ought to get married." +</P> + +<P> +"Think so?" said Mr. Spillikins. +</P> + +<P> +Goodness knows he was willing enough. In fact, up to this point Mr. +Spillikins's whole existence had been one long aspiring sigh directed +towards the joys of matrimony. +</P> + +<P> +In his brief college days his timid glances had wandered by an +irresistible attraction towards the seats on the right-hand side of the +class room, where the girls of the first year sat, with golden pigtails +down their backs, doing trigonometry. +</P> + +<P> +He would have married any of them. But when a girl can work out +trigonometry at sight, what use can she possibly have for marriage? +None. Mr. Spillikins knew this and it kept him silent. And even when +the most beautiful girl in the class married the demonstrator and thus +terminated her studies in her second year, Spillikins realized that it +was only because the man was, undeniably, a demonstrator and knew +things. +</P> + +<P> +Later on, when Spillikins went into business and into society, the same +fate pursued him. He loved, for at least six months, Georgiana +McTeague, the niece of the presbyterian minister of St. Osoph's. He +loved her so well that for her sake he temporarily abandoned his pew at +St. Asaph's, which was episcopalian, and listened to fourteen +consecutive sermons on hell. But the affair got no further than that. +Once or twice, indeed, Spillikins walked home with Georgiana from +church and talked about hell with her; and once her uncle asked him +into the manse for cold supper after evening service, and they had a +long talk about hell all through the meal and upstairs in the +sitting-room afterwards. But somehow Spillikins could get no further +with it. He read up all he could about hell so as to be able to talk +with Georgiana, but in the end it failed: a young minister fresh from +college came and preached at St. Osoph's six special sermons on the +absolute certainty of eternal punishment, and he married Miss McTeague +as a result of it. +</P> + +<P> +And, meantime, Mr. Spillikins had got engaged, or practically so, to +Adelina Lightleigh; not that he had spoken to her, but he considered +himself bound to her. For her sake he had given up hell altogether, and +was dancing till two in the morning and studying action bridge out of a +book. For a time he felt so sure that she meant to have him that he +began bringing his greatest friend, Edward Ruff of the college football +team, of whom Spillikins was very proud, up to the Lightleighs' +residence. He specially wanted Adelina and Edward to be great friends, +so that Adelina and he might ask Edward up to the house after he was +married. And they got to be such great friends, and so quickly, that +they were married in New York that autumn. After which Spillikins used +to be invited up to the house by Edward and Adelina. They both used to +tell him how much they owed him; and they, too, used to join in the +chorus and say, "You know, Peter, you're awfully silly not to get +married." +</P> + +<P> +Now all this had happened and finished at about the time when the +Yahi-Bahi Society ran its course. At its first meeting Mr. Spillikins +had met Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown. At the very sight of her he began +reading up the life of Buddha and a translation of the Upanishads so as +to fit himself to aspire to live with her. Even when the society ended +in disaster Mr. Spillikins's love only burned the stronger. +Consequently, as soon as he knew that Mr. and Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown were +going away for the summer, and that Dulphemia was to go to stay with +the Newberrys at Castel Casteggio, this latter place, the summer +retreat of the Newberrys, became the one spot on earth for Mr. Peter +Spillikins. +</P> + +<P> +Naturally, therefore, Mr. Spillikins was presently transported to the +seventh heaven when in due course of time he received a note which +said, "We shall be so pleased if you can come out and spend a week or +two with us here. We will send the car down to the Thursday train to +meet you. We live here in the simplest fashion possible; in fact, as +Mr. Newberry says, we are just roughing it, but I am sure you don't +mind for a change. Dulphemia is with us, but we are quite a small +party." +</P> + +<P> +The note was signed "Margaret Newberry" and was written on heavy cream +paper with a silver monogram such as people use when roughing it. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +The Newberrys, like everybody else, went away from town in the +summertime. Mr. Newberry being still in business, after a fashion, it +would not have looked well for him to remain in town throughout the +year. It would have created a bad impression on the market as to how +much he was making. +</P> + +<P> +In fact, in the early summer everybody went out of town. The few who +ever revisited the place in August reported that they hadn't seen a +soul on the street. +</P> + +<P> +It was a sort of longing for the simple life, for nature, that came +over everybody. Some people sought it at the seaside, where nature had +thrown out her broad plank walks and her long piers and her vaudeville +shows. Others sought it in the heart of the country, where nature had +spread her oiled motor roads and her wayside inns. Others, like the +Newberrys, preferred to "rough it" in country residences of their own. +</P> + +<P> +Some of the people, as already said, went for business reasons, to +avoid the suspicion of having to work all the year round. Others went +to Europe to avoid the reproach of living always in America. Others, +perhaps most people, went for medical reasons, being sent away by their +doctors. Not that they were ill; but the doctors of Plutoria Avenue, +such as Doctor Slyder, always preferred to send all their patients out +of town during the summer months. No well-to-do doctor cares to be +bothered with them. And of course patients, even when they are anxious +to go anywhere on their own account, much prefer to be sent there by +their doctor. +</P> + +<P> +"My dear madam," Dr. Slyder would say to a lady who, as he knew, was +most anxious to go to Virginia, "there's really nothing I can do for +you." Here he spoke the truth. "It's not a case of treatment. It's +simply a matter of dropping everything and going away. Now why don't +you go for a month or two to some quiet place, where you will simply +<I>do nothing?</I>" (She never, as he knew, did anything, anyway.) "What do +you say to Hot Springs, Virginia?—absolute quiet, good golf, not a +soul there, plenty of tennis." Or else he would say, "My dear madam, +you're simply <I>worn out</I>. Why don't you just drop everything and go to +Canada?—perfectly quiet, not a soul there, and, I believe, nowadays +quite fashionable." +</P> + +<P> +Thus, after all the patients had been sent away, Dr. Slyder and his +colleagues of Plutoria Avenue managed to slip away themselves for a +month or two, heading straight for Paris and Vienna. There they were +able, so they said, to keep in touch with what continental doctors were +doing. They probably were. +</P> + +<P> +Now it so happened that both the parents of Miss Dulphemia +Rasselyer-Brown had been sent out of town in this fashion. Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown's distressing experience with Yahi-Bahi had left her in +a condition in which she was utterly fit for nothing, except to go on a +Mediterranean cruise, with about eighty other people also fit for +nothing. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Rasselyer-Brown himself, though never exactly an invalid, had +confessed that after all the fuss of the Yahi-Bahi business he needed +bracing up, needed putting into shape, and had put himself into Dr. +Slyder's hands. The doctor had examined him, questioned him searchingly +as to what he drank, and ended by prescribing port wine to be taken +firmly and unflinchingly during the evening, and for the daytime, at +any moment of exhaustion, a light cordial such as rye whiskey, or rum +and Vichy water. In addition to which Dr. Slyder had recommended Mr. +Rasselyer-Brown to leave town. +</P> + +<P> +"Why don't you go down to Nagahakett on the Atlantic?" he said. +</P> + +<P> +"Is that in Maine?" said Mr. Rasselyer-Brown in horror. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, dear me, no!" answered the doctor reassuringly. "It's in New +Brunswick, Canada; excellent place, most liberal licence laws; first +class cuisine and a bar in the hotel. No tourists, no golf, too cold to +swim—just the place to enjoy oneself." +</P> + +<P> +So Mr. Rasselyer-Brown had gone away also, and as a result Dulphemia +Rasselyer-Brown, at the particular moment of which we speak, was +declared by the Boudoir and Society column of the <I>Plutorian Daily +Dollar</I> to be staying with Mr. and Mrs. Newberry at their charming +retreat, Castel Casteggio. +</P> + +<P> +The Newberrys belonged to the class of people whose one aim in the +summer is to lead the simple life. Mr. Newberry himself said that his +one idea of a vacation was to get right out into the bush, and put on +old clothes, and just eat when he felt like it. +</P> + +<P> +This was why he had built Castel Casteggio. It stood about forty miles +from the city, out among the wooded hills on the shore of a little +lake. Except for the fifteen or twenty residences like it that dotted +the sides of the lake it was entirely isolated. The only way to reach +it was by the motor road that wound its way among leafy hills from the +railway station fifteen miles away. Every foot of the road was private +property, as all nature ought to be. The whole country about Castel +Casteggio was absolutely primeval, or at any rate as primeval as Scotch +gardeners and French landscape artists could make it. The lake itself +lay like a sparkling gem from nature's workshop—except that they had +raised the level of it ten feet, stone-banked the sides, cleared out +the brush, and put a motor road round it. Beyond that it was pure +nature. +</P> + +<P> +Castel Casteggio itself, a beautiful house of white brick with sweeping +piazzas and glittering conservatories, standing among great trees with +rolling lawns broken with flower-beds as the ground sloped to the lake, +was perhaps the most beautiful house of all; at any rate, it was an +ideal spot to wear old clothes in, to dine early (at 7.30) and, except +for tennis parties, motor-boat parties, lawn teas, and golf, to live +absolutely to oneself. +</P> + +<P> +It should be explained that the house was not called Castel Casteggio +because the Newberrys were Italian: they were not; nor because they +owned estates in Italy: they didn't nor had travelled there: they +hadn't. Indeed, for a time they had thought of giving it a Welsh name, +or a Scotch. But the beautiful country residence of the +Asterisk-Thomsons had stood close by in the same primeval country was +already called Penny-gw-rydd, and the woodland retreat of the +Hyphen-Joneses just across the little lake was called +Strathythan-na-Clee, and the charming chalet of the Wilson-Smiths was +called Yodel-Dudel; so it seemed fairer to select an Italian name. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +"By Jove! Miss Furlong, how awfully good of you to come down!" +</P> + +<P> +The little suburban train—two cars only, both first class, for the +train went nowhere except out into the primeval wilderness—had drawn +up at the diminutive roadside station. Mr. Spillikins had alighted, and +there was Miss Philippa Furlong sitting behind the chauffeur in the +Newberrys' motor. She was looking as beautiful as only the younger +sister of a High Church episcopalian rector can look, dressed in white, +the colour of saintliness, on a beautiful morning in July. +</P> + +<P> +There was no doubt about Philippa Furlong. Her beauty was of that +peculiar and almost sacred kind found only in the immediate +neighbourhood of the High Church clergy. It was admitted by all who +envied or admired her that she could enter a church more gracefully, +move more swimmingly up the aisle, and pray better than any girl on +Plutoria Avenue. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Spillikins, as he gazed at her in her white summer dress and wide +picture hat, with her parasol nodding above her head, realized that +after all, religion, as embodied in the younger sisters of the High +Church clergy, fills a great place in the world. +</P> + +<P> +"By Jove!" he repeated, "how awfully good of you!" +</P> + +<P> +"Not a bit," said Philippa. "Hop in. Dulphemia was coming, but she +couldn't. Is that all you have with you?" +</P> + +<P> +The last remark was ironical. It referred to the two quite large +steamer trunks of Mr. Spillikins that were being loaded, together with +his suit-case, tennis racket, and golf kit, on to the fore part of the +motor. Mr. Spillikins, as a young man of social experience, had roughed +it before. He knew what a lot of clothes one needs for it. +</P> + +<P> +So the motor sped away, and went bowling noiselessly over the oiled +road, and turning corners where the green boughs of the great trees +almost swished in their faces, and rounding and twisting among curves +of the hills as it carried Spillikins and Philippa away from the lower +domain or ordinary fields and farms up into the enchanted country of +private property and the magic castles of Casteggio and Penny-gw-rydd. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Spillikins must have assured Philippa at least a dozen times in +starting off how awfully good it was of her to come down in the motor; +and he was so pleased at her coming to meet him that Philippa never +even hinted that the truth was that she had expected somebody else on +the same train. For to a girl brought up in the principles of the High +Church the truth is a very sacred thing. She keeps it to herself. +</P> + +<P> +And naturally, with such a sympathetic listener, it was not long before +Mr. Spillikins had begun to talk of Dulphemia and his hopes. +</P> + +<P> +"I don't know whether she really cares for me or not," said Mr. +Spillikins, "but I have pretty good hope. The other day, or at least +about two months ago, at one of the Yahi-Bahi meetings—you were not in +that, were you?" he said breaking off. +</P> + +<P> +"Only just at the beginning," said Philippa; "we went to Bermuda." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh yes, I remember. Do you know, I thought it pretty rough at the end, +especially on Ram Spudd. I liked him. I sent him two pounds of tobacco +to the penitentiary last week; you can get it in to them, you know, if +you know how." +</P> + +<P> +"But what were you going to say?" asked Philippa. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh yes," said Mr. Spillikins. And he realized that he had actually +drifted off the topic of Dulphemia, a thing that had never happened to +him before. "I was going to say that at one of the meetings, you know, +I asked her if I might call her Dulphemia." +</P> + +<P> +"And what did she say to that?" asked Philippa. +</P> + +<P> +"She said she didn't care what I called her. So I think that looks +pretty good, don't you?" +</P> + +<P> +"Awfully good," said Philippa. +</P> + +<P> +"And a little after that I took her slippers home from the Charity Ball +at the Grand Palaver. Archie Jones took her home herself in his car, +but I took her slippers. She'd forgotten them. I thought that a pretty +good sign, wasn't it? You wouldn't let a chap carry round your slippers +unless you knew him pretty well, would you, Miss Philippa?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh no, nobody would," said Philippa. This of course, was a standing +principle of the Anglican Church. +</P> + +<P> +"And a little after that Dulphemia and Charlie Mostyn and I were +walking to Mrs. Buncomhearst's musical, and we'd only just started +along the street, when she stopped and sent me back for her music—me, +mind you, not Charlie. That seems to me awfully significant." +</P> + +<P> +"It seems to speak volumes," said Philippa. +</P> + +<P> +"Doesn't it?" said Mr. Spillikins. "You don't mind my telling you all +about this Miss Philippa?" he added. +</P> + +<P> +Incidentally Mr. Spillikins felt that it was all right to call her Miss +Philippa, because she had a sister who was really Miss Furlong, so it +would have been quite wrong, as Mr. Spillikins realized, to have called +Miss Philippa by her surname. In any case, the beauty of the morning +was against it. +</P> + +<P> +"I don't mind a bit," said Philippa. "I think it's awfully nice of you +to tell me about it." +</P> + +<P> +She didn't add that she knew all about it already. +</P> + +<P> +"You see," said Mr. Spillikins, "you're so awfully sympathetic. It +makes it so easy to talk to you. With other girls, especially with +clever ones, even with Dulphemia. I often feel a perfect jackass beside +them. But I don t feel that way with you at all." +</P> + +<P> +"Don't you really?" said Philippa, but the honest admiration in Mr. +Spillikin's protruding blue eyes forbade a sarcastic answer. +</P> + +<P> +"By Jove!" said Mr. Spillikins presently, with complete irrelevance, "I +hope you don't mind my saying it, but you look awfully well in +white—stunning." He felt that a man who was affianced, or practically +so, was allowed the smaller liberty of paying honest compliments. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, this old thing," laughed Philippa, with a contemptuous shake of +her dress. "But up here, you know, we just wear anything." She didn't +say that this old thing was only two weeks old and had cost eighty +dollars, or the equivalent of one person's pew rent at St. Asaph's for +six months. +</P> + +<P> +And after that they had only time, so it seemed to Mr. Spillikins, for +two or three remarks, and he had scarcely had leisure to reflect what a +charming girl Philippa had grown to be since she went to Bermuda—the +effect, no doubt, of the climate of those fortunate islands—when quite +suddenly they rounded a curve into an avenue of nodding trees, and +there were the great lawn and wide piazzas and the conservatories of +Castel Casteggio right in front of them. +</P> + +<P> +"Here we are," said Philippa, "and there's Mr. Newberry out on the +lawn." +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +"Now, here," Mr. Newberry was saying a little later, waving his hand, +"is where you get what I think the finest view of the place." +</P> + +<P> +He was standing at the corner of the lawn where it sloped, dotted with +great trees, to the banks of the little lake, and was showing Mr. +Spillikins the beauties of Castel Casteggio. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Newberry wore on his short circular person the summer costume of a +man taking his ease and careless of dress: plain white flannel +trousers, not worth more than six dollars a leg, an ordinary white silk +shirt with a rolled collar, that couldn't have cost more than fifteen +dollars, and on his head an ordinary Panama hat, say forty dollars. +</P> + +<P> +"By Jove!" said Mr. Spillikins, as he looked about him at the house and +the beautiful lawn with its great trees, "it's a lovely place." +</P> + +<P> +"Isn't it?" said Mr. Newberry. "But you ought to have seen it when I +took hold of it. To make the motor road alone I had to dynamite out +about a hundred yards of rock, and then I fetched up cement, tons and +tons of it, and boulders to buttress the embankment." +</P> + +<P> +"Did you really!" said Mr. Spillikins, looking at Mr. Newberry with +great respect. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, and even that was nothing to the house itself. Do you know, I had +to go at least forty feet for the foundations. First I went through +about twenty feet of loose clay, after that I struck sand, and I'd no +sooner got through that than, by George! I landed in eight feet of +water. I had to pump it out; I think I took out a thousand gallons +before I got clear down to the rock. Then I took my solid steel beams +in fifty-foot lengths," here Mr. Newberry imitated with his arms the +action of a man setting up a steel beam, "and set them upright and +bolted them on the rock. After that I threw my steel girders across, +clapped on my roof rafters, all steel, in sixty-foot pieces, and then +just held it easily, just supported it a bit, and let it sink gradually +to its place." +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Newberry illustrated with his two arms the action of a huge house +being allowed to sink slowly to a firm rest. +</P> + +<P> +"You don't say so!" said Mr. Spillikins, lost in amazement at the +wonderful physical strength that Mr. Newberry must have. +</P> + +<P> +"Excuse me just a minute," broke off Mr. Newberry, "while I smooth out +the gravel where you're standing. You've rather disturbed it, I'm +afraid." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, I'm awfully sorry," said Mr. Spillikins. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, not at all, not at all," said his host. "I don't mind in the +least. It's only on account of McAlister." +</P> + +<P> +"Who?" asked Mr. Spillikins. +</P> + +<P> +"My gardener. He doesn't care to have us walk on the gravel paths. It +scuffs up the gravel so. But sometimes one forgets." +</P> + +<P> +It should be said here, for the sake of clearness, that one of the +chief glories of Castel Casteggio lay in its servants. All of them, it +goes without saying, had been brought from Great Britain. The comfort +they gave to Mr. and Mrs. Newberry was unspeakable. In fact, as they +themselves admitted, servants of the kind are simply not to be found in +America. +</P> + +<P> +"Our Scotch gardener," Mrs. Newberry always explained "is a perfect +character. I don't know how we could get another like him. Do you know, +my dear, he simply won't allow us to pick the roses; and if any of us +walk across the grass he is furious. And he positively refuses to let +us use the vegetables. He told me quite plainly that if we took any of +his young peas or his early cucumbers he would leave. We are to have +them later on when he's finished growing them." +</P> + +<P> +"How delightful it is to have servants of that sort," the lady +addressed would murmur; "so devoted and so different from servants on +this side of the water. Just imagine, my dear, my chauffeur, when I was +in Colorado, actually threatened to leave me merely because I wanted to +reduce his wages. I think it's these wretched labour unions." +</P> + +<P> +"I'm sure it is. Of course we have trouble with McAlister at times, but +he's always very reasonable when we put things in the right light. Last +week, for example, I was afraid that we had gone too far with him. He +is always accustomed to have a quart of beer every morning at half-past +ten—the maids are told to bring it out to him, and after that he goes +to sleep in the little arbour beside the tulip bed. And the other day +when he went there he found that one of our guests who hadn't been +told, was actually sitting in there reading. Of course he was +<I>furious</I>. I was afraid for the moment that he would give notice on the +spot." +</P> + +<P> +"What <I>would</I> you have done?" +</P> + +<P> +"Positively, my dear, I don't know. But we explained to him at once +that it was only an accident and that the person hadn't known and that +of course it wouldn't occur again. After that he was softened a little, +but he went off muttering to himself, and that evening he dug up all +the new tulips and threw them over the fence. We saw him do it, but we +didn't dare say anything." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh no," echoed the other lady; "if you had you might have lost him." +</P> + +<P> +"Exactly. And I don't think we could possibly get another man like him; +at least, not on this side of the water." +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +"But come," said Mr. Newberry, after he had finished adjusting the +gravel with his foot, "there are Mrs. Newberry and the girls on the +verandah. Let's go and join them." +</P> + +<P> +A few minutes later Mr. Spillikins was talking with Mrs. Newberry and +Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown, and telling Mrs. Newberry what a beautiful +house she had. Beside them stood Philippa Furlong, and she had her arm +around Dulphemia's waist; and the picture that they thus made, with +their heads close together, Dulphemia's hair being golden and +Philippa's chestnut-brown, was such that Mr. Spillikins had no eyes for +Mrs. Newberry nor for Castel Casteggio nor for anything. So much so +that he practically didn't see at all the little girl in green that +stood unobtrusively on the further side of Mrs. Newberry. Indeed, +though somebody had murmured her name in introduction, he couldn't have +repeated it if asked two minutes afterwards. His eyes and his mind were +elsewhere. +</P> + +<P> +But hers were not. +</P> + +<P> +For the Little Girl in Green looked at Mr. Spillikins with wide eyes, +and when she looked at him she saw all at once such wonderful things +about him as nobody had ever seen before. +</P> + +<P> +For she could see from the poise of his head how awfully clever he was; +and from the way he stood with his hands in his side pockets she could +see how manly and brave he must be; and of course there was firmness +and strength written all over him. In short, she saw as she looked such +a Peter Spillikins as truly never existed, or could exist—or at least +such a Peter Spillikins as no one else in the world had ever suspected +before. +</P> + +<P> +All in a moment she was ever so glad that she accepted Mrs. Newberry's +invitation to Castel Casteggio and hadn't been afraid to come. For the +Little Girl in Green, whose Christian name was Norah, was only what is +called a poor relation of Mrs. Newberry, and her father was a person of +no account whatever, who didn't belong to the Mausoleum Club or to any +other club, and who lived, with Norah, on a street that nobody who was +anybody lived upon. Norah had been asked up a few days before out of +the City to give her air—which is the only thing that can be safely +and freely given to poor relations. Thus she had arrived at Castel +Casteggio with one diminutive trunk, so small and shabby that even the +servants who carried it upstairs were ashamed of it. In it were a pair +of brand new tennis shoes (at ninety cents reduced to seventy-five) and +a white dress of the kind that is called "almost evening," and such few +other things as poor relations might bring with fear and trembling to +join in the simple rusticity of the rich. +</P> + +<P> +Thus stood Norah looking at Mr. Spillikins. +</P> + +<P> +As for him, such is the contrariety of human things, he had no eyes for +her at all. +</P> + +<P> +"What a perfectly charming house this is," Mr. Spillikins was saying. +He always said this on such occasions, but it seemed to the Little Girl +in Green that he spoke with wonderful social ease. +</P> + +<P> +"I am so glad you think so," said Mrs. Newberry (this was what she +always answered); "you've no idea what work it has been. This year we +put in all this new glass in the east conservatory, over a thousand +panes. Such a tremendous business!" +</P> + +<P> +"I was just telling Mr. Spillikins," said Mr. Newberry, "about the work +we had blasting out the motor road. You can see the gap where it lies +better from here, I think, Spillikins. I must have exploded a ton and a +half of dynamite on it." +</P> + +<P> +"By Jove!" said Mr. Spillikins; "it must be dangerous work eh? I wonder +you aren't afraid of it." +</P> + +<P> +"One simply gets used to it, that's all," said Newberry, shrugging his +shoulders; "but of course it is dangerous. I blew up two Italians on +the last job." He paused a minute and added musingly, "Hardy fellows, +the Italians. I prefer them to any other people for blasting." +</P> + +<P> +"Did you blow them up yourself?" asked Mr. Spillikins. +</P> + +<P> +"I wasn't here," answered Mr. Newberry. "In fact, I never care to be +here when I'm blasting. We go to town. But I had to foot the bill for +them all the same. Quite right, too. The risk, of course, was mine, not +theirs; that's the law, you know. They cost me two thousand each." +</P> + +<P> +"But come," said Mrs. Newberry, "I think we must go and dress for +dinner. Franklin will be frightfully put out if we're late. Franklin is +our butler," she went on, seeing that Mr. Spillikins didn't understand +the reference, "and as we brought him out from England we have to be +rather careful. With a good man like Franklin one is always so afraid +of losing him—and after last night we have to be doubly careful." +</P> + +<P> +"Why last night?" asked Mr. Spillikins. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, it wasn't much," said Mrs. Newberry. "In fact, it was merely an +accident. Only it just chanced that at dinner, quite late in the meal, +when we had had nearly everything (we dine very simply here, Mr. +Spillikins), Mr. Newberry, who was thirsty and who wasn't really +thinking what he was saying, asked Franklin to give him a glass of +hock. Franklin said at once, 'I'm very sorry, sir, I don't care to +serve hock after the entree!'" +</P> + +<P> +"And of course he was right," said Dulphemia with emphasis. "Exactly; +he was perfectly right. They know, you know. We were afraid that there +might be trouble, but Mr. Newberry went and saw Franklin afterwards and +he behaved very well over it. But suppose we go and dress? It's +half-past six already and we've only an hour." +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +In this congenial company Mr. Spillikins spent the next three days. +</P> + +<P> +Life at Castel Casteggio, as the Newberrys loved to explain, was +conducted on the very simplest plan. Early breakfast, country fashion, +at nine o'clock; after that nothing to eat till lunch, unless one cared +to have lemonade or bottled ale sent out with a biscuit or a macaroon +to the tennis court. Lunch itself was a perfectly plain midday meal, +lasting till about 1.30, and consisting simply of cold meats (say four +kinds) and salads, with perhaps a made dish or two, and, for anybody +who cared for it, a hot steak or a chop, or both. After that one had +coffee and cigarettes in the shade of the piazza and waited for +afternoon tea. This latter was served at a wicker table in any part of +the grounds that the gardener was not at that moment clipping, +trimming, or otherwise using. Afternoon tea being over, one rested or +walked on the lawn till it was time to dress for dinner. +</P> + +<P> +This simple routine was broken only by irruptions of people in motors +or motor boats from Penny-gw-rydd or Yodel-Dudel Chalet. +</P> + +<P> +The whole thing, from the point of view of Mr. Spillikins or Dulphemia +or Philippa, represented rusticity itself. +</P> + +<P> +To the Little Girl in Green it seemed as brilliant as the Court of +Versailles; especially evening dinner—a plain home meal as the others +thought it—when she had four glasses to drink out of and used to +wonder over such problems as whether you were supposed, when Franklin +poured out wine, to tell him to stop or to wait till he stopped without +being told to stop; and other similar mysteries, such as many people +before and after have meditated upon. +</P> + +<P> +During all this time Mr. Spillikins was nerving himself to propose to +Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown. In fact, he spent part of his time walking +up and down under the trees with Philippa Furlong and discussing with +her the proposal that he meant to make, together with such topics as +marriage in general and his own unworthiness. +</P> + +<P> +He might have waited indefinitely had he not learned, on the third day +of his visit, that Dulphemia was to go away in the morning to join her +father at Nagahakett. +</P> + +<P> +That evening he found the necessary nerve to speak, and the proposal in +almost every aspect of it was most successful. +</P> + +<P> +"By Jove!" Spillikins said to Philippa Furlong next morning, in +explaining what had happened, "she was awfully nice about it. I think +she must have guessed, in a way, don't you, what I was going to say? +But at any rate she was awfully nice—let me say everything I wanted, +and when I explained what a fool I was, she said she didn't think I was +half such a fool as people thought me. But it's all right. It turns out +that she isn't thinking of getting married. I asked her if I might +always go on thinking of her, and she said I might." +</P> + +<P> +And that morning when Dulphemia was carried off in the motor to the +station, Mr. Spillikins, without exactly being aware how he had done +it, had somehow transferred himself to Philippa. +</P> + +<P> +"Isn't she a splendid girl!" he said at least ten times a day to Norah, +the Little Girl in Green. And Norah always agreed, because she really +thought Philippa a perfectly wonderful creature. There is no doubt +that, but for a slight shift of circumstances, Mr. Spillikins would +have proposed to Miss Furlong. Indeed, he spent a good part of his time +rehearsing little speeches that began, "Of course I know I'm an awful +ass in a way," or, "Of course I know that I'm not at all the sort of +fellow," and so on. +</P> + +<P> +But not one of them ever was delivered. +</P> + +<P> +For it so happened that on the Thursday, one week after Mr. +Spillikins's arrival, Philippa went again to the station in the motor. +And when she came back there was another passenger with her, a tall +young man in tweed, and they both began calling out to the Newberrys +from a distance of at least a hundred yards. +</P> + +<P> +And both the Newberrys suddenly exclaimed, "Why, it's Tom!" and rushed +off to meet the motor. And there was such a laughing and jubilation as +the two descended and carried Tom's valises to the verandah, that Mr. +Spillikins felt as suddenly and completely out of it as the Little Girl +in Green herself—especially as his ear had caught, among the first +things said, the words, "Congratulate us, Mrs. Newberry, we're engaged." +</P> + +<P> +After which Mr. Spillikins had the pleasure of sitting and listening +while it was explained in wicker chairs on the verandah, that Philippa +and Tom had been engaged already for ever so long—in fact, nearly two +weeks, only they had agreed not to say a word to anybody till Tom had +gone to North Carolina and back, to see his people. +</P> + +<P> +And as to who Tom was, or what was the relation between Tom and the +Newberrys, Mr. Spillikins neither knew or cared; nor did it interest +him in the least that Philippa had met Tom in Bermuda, and that she +hadn't known that he even knew the Newberry's nor any other of the +exuberant disclosures of the moment. In fact, if there was any one +period rather than another when Mr. Spillikins felt corroborated in his +private view of himself, it was at this moment. +</P> + +<P> +So the next day Tom and Philippa vanished together. +</P> + +<P> +"We shall be quite a small party now," said Mrs. Newberry; "in fact, +quite by ourselves till Mrs. Everleigh comes, and she won't be here for +a fortnight." +</P> + +<P> +At which the heart of the Little Girl in Green was glad, because she +had been afraid that other girls might be coming, whereas she knew that +Mrs. Everleigh was a widow with four sons and must be ever so old, past +forty. +</P> + +<P> +The next few days were spent by Mr. Spillikins almost entirely in the +society of Norah. He thought them on the whole rather pleasant days, +but slow. To her they were an uninterrupted dream of happiness never to +be forgotten. +</P> + +<P> +The Newberrys left them to themselves; not with any intent; it was +merely that they were perpetually busy walking about the grounds of +Castel Casteggio, blowing up things with dynamite, throwing steel +bridges over gullies, and hoisting heavy timber with derricks. Nor were +they to blame for it. For it had not always been theirs to command +dynamite and control the forces of nature. There had been a time, now +long ago, when the two Newberrys had lived, both of them, on twenty +dollars a week, and Mrs. Newberry had made her own dresses, and Mr. +Newberry had spent vigorous evenings in making hand-made shelves for +their sitting-room. That was long ago, and since then Mr. Newberry, +like many other people of those earlier days, had risen to wealth and +Castel Casteggio, while others, like Norah's father, had stayed just +where they were. +</P> + +<P> +So the Newberrys left Peter and Norah to themselves all day. Even after +dinner, in the evening, Mr. Newberry was very apt to call to his wife +in the dusk from some distant corner of the lawn: +</P> + +<P> +"Margaret, come over here and tell me if you don't think we might cut +down this elm, tear the stump out by the roots, and throw it into the +ravine." +</P> + +<P> +And the answer was, "One minute, Edward; just wait till I get a wrap." +</P> + +<P> +Before they came back, the dusk had grown to darkness, and they had +redynamited half the estate. +</P> + +<P> +During all of which time Mr. Spillikins sat with Norah on the piazza. +He talked and she listened. He told her, for instance, all about his +terrific experiences in the oil business, and about his exciting career +at college; or presently they went indoors and Norah played the piano +and Mr. Spillikins sat and smoked and listened. In such a house as the +Newberry's, where dynamite and the greater explosives were everyday +matters, a little thing like the use of tobacco in the drawing-room +didn't count. As for the music, "Go right ahead," said Mr. Spillikins; +"I'm not musical, but I don't mind music a bit." +</P> + +<P> +In the daytime they played tennis. There was a court at one end of the +lawn beneath the trees, all chequered with sunlight and mingled shadow; +very beautiful, Norah thought, though Mr. Spillikins explained that the +spotted light put him off his game. In fact, it was owing entirely to +this bad light that Mr. Spillikins's fast drives, wonderful though they +were, somehow never got inside the service court. +</P> + +<P> +Norah, of course, thought Mr. Spillikins a wonderful player. She was +glad—in fact, it suited them both—when he beat her six to nothing. +She didn't know and didn't care that there was no one else in the world +that Mr. Spillikins could beat like that. Once he even said to her. +</P> + +<P> +"By Gad! you don't play half a bad game, you know. I think you know, +with practice you'd come on quite a lot." +</P> + +<P> +After that the games were understood to be more or less in the form of +lessons, which put Mr. Spillikins on a pedestal of superiority, and +allowed any bad strokes on his part to be viewed as a form of +indulgence. +</P> + +<P> +Also, as the tennis was viewed in this light, it was Norah's part to +pick up the balls at the net and throw them back to Mr. Spillikins. He +let her do this, not from rudeness, for it wasn't in him, but because +in such a primeval place as Castel Casteggio the natural primitive +relation of the sexes is bound to reassert itself. +</P> + +<P> +But of love Mr. Spillikins never thought. He had viewed it so eagerly +and so often from a distance that when it stood here modestly at his +very elbow he did not recognize its presence. His mind had been +fashioned, as it were, to connect love with something stunning and +sensational, with Easter hats and harem skirts and the luxurious +consciousness of the unattainable. +</P> + +<P> +Even at that, there is no knowing what might have happened. Tennis, in +the chequered light of sun and shadow cast by summer leaves, is a +dangerous game. There came a day when they were standing one each side +of the net and Mr. Spillikins was explaining to Norah the proper way to +hold a racquet so as to be able to give those magnificent backhand +sweeps of his, by which he generally drove the ball halfway to the +lake; and explaining this involved putting his hand right over Norah's +on the handle of the racquet, so that for just half a second her hand +was clasped tight in his; and if that half-second had been lengthened +out into a whole second it is quite possible that what was already +subconscious in his mind would have broken its way triumphantly to the +surface, and Norah's hand would have stayed in his—how willingly—! +for the rest of their two lives. +</P> + +<P> +But just at that moment Mr. Spillikins looked up, and he said in quite +an altered tone. +</P> + +<P> +"By Jove! who's that awfully good-looking woman getting out of the +motor?" +</P> + +<P> +And their hands unclasped. Norah looked over towards the house and said: +</P> + +<P> +"Why, it's Mrs. Everleigh. I thought she wasn't coming for another +week." +</P> + +<P> +"I say," said Mr. Spillikins, straining his short sight to the +uttermost, "what perfectly wonderful golden hair, eh?" "Why, it's—" +Norah began, and then she stopped. It didn't seem right to explain that +Mrs. Everleigh's hair was dyed. "And who's that tall chap standing +beside her?" said Mr. Spillikins. +</P> + +<P> +"I think it's Captain Cormorant, but I don't think he's going to stay. +He's only brought her up in the motor from town." "By Jove, how good of +him!" said Spillikins; and this sentiment in regard to Captain +Cormorant, though he didn't know it, was to become a keynote of his +existence. +</P> + +<P> +"I didn't know she was coming so soon," said Norah, and there was +weariness already in her heart. Certainly she didn't know it; still +less did she know, or anyone else, that the reason of Mrs. Everleigh's +coming was because Mr. Spillikins was there. She came with a set +purpose, and she sent Captain Cormorant directly back in the motor +because she didn't want him on the premises. +</P> + +<P> +"Oughtn't we to go up to the house?" said Norah. +</P> + +<P> +"All right," said Mr. Spillikins with great alacrity, "let's go." +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +Now as this story began with the information that Mrs. Everleigh is at +present Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins, there is no need to pursue in detail +the stages of Mr. Spillikins's wooing. Its course was swift and happy. +Mr. Spillikins, having seen the back of Mrs. Everleigh's head, had +decided instantly that she was the most beautiful woman in the world; +and that impression is not easily corrected in the half-light of a +shaded drawing-room; nor across a dinner-table lighted only with +candles with deep red shades; nor even in the daytime through a veil. +In any case, it is only fair to state that if Mrs. Everleigh was not +and is not a singularly beautiful woman, Mr. Spillikins still doesn't +know it. And in point of attraction the homage of such experts as +Captain Cormorant and Lieutenant Hawk speaks for itself. +</P> + +<P> +So the course of Mr. Spillikins's love, for love it must have been, ran +swiftly to its goal. Each stage of it was duly marked by his comments +to Norah. +</P> + +<P> +"She <I>is</I> a splendid woman," he said, "so sympathetic. She always seems +to know just what one's going to say." +</P> + +<P> +So she did, for she was making him say it. +</P> + +<P> +"By Jove!" he said a day later, "Mrs. Everleigh's an awfully fine +woman, isn't she? I was telling her about my having been in the oil +business for a little while, and she thinks that I'd really be awfully +good in money things. She said she wished she had me to manage her +money for her." +</P> + +<P> +This also was quite true, except that Mrs. Everleigh had not made it +quite clear that the management of her money was of the form generally +known as deficit financing. In fact, her money was, very crudely +stated, nonexistent, and it needed a lot of management. +</P> + +<P> +A day or two later Mr. Spillikins was saying, "I think Mrs. Everleigh +must have had great sorrow, don't you? Yesterday she was showing me a +photograph of her little boy—she has a little boy you know—" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, I know," said Norah. She didn't add that she knew that Mrs. +Everleigh had four. +</P> + +<P> +"—and she was saying how awfully rough it is having him always away +from her at Dr. Something's academy where he is." +</P> + +<P> +And very soon after that Mr. Spillikins was saying, with quite a quaver +in his voice, +</P> + +<P> +"By Jove! yes, I'm awfully lucky; I never thought for a moment that +she'd have me, you know—a woman like her, with so much attention and +everything. I can't imagine what she sees in me." +</P> + +<P> +Which was just as well. +</P> + +<P> +And then Mr. Spillikins checked himself, for he noticed—this was on +the verandah in the morning—that Norah had a hat and jacket on and +that the motor was rolling towards the door. +</P> + +<P> +"I say," he said, "are you going away?" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, didn't you know?" Norah said. "I thought you heard them speaking +of it at dinner last night. I have to go home; father's alone, you +know." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, I'm awfully sorry," said Mr. Spillikins; "we shan't have any more +tennis." +</P> + +<P> +"Goodbye," said Norah, and as she said it and put out her hand there +were tears brimming up into her eyes. But Mr. Spillikins, being short +of sight, didn't see them. +</P> + +<P> +"Goodbye," he said. +</P> + +<P> +Then as the motor carried her away he stood for a moment in a sort of +reverie. Perhaps certain things that might have been rose unformed and +inarticulate before his mind. And then, a voice called from the +drawing-room within, in a measured and assured tone, +</P> + +<P> +"Peter, darling, where are you?" +</P> + +<P> +"Coming," cried Mr. Spillikins, and he came. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +On the second day of the engagement Mrs. Everleigh showed to Peter a +little photograph in a brooch. +</P> + +<P> +"This is Gib, my second little boy," she said. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Spillikins started to say, "I didn't know—" and then checked +himself and said, "By Gad! what a fine-looking little chap, eh? I'm +awfully fond of boys." +</P> + +<P> +"Dear little fellow, isn't he?" said Mrs. Everleigh. "He's really +rather taller than that now, because this picture was taken a little +while ago." +</P> + +<P> +And the next day she said, "This is Willie, my third boy," and on the +day after that she said, "This is Sib, my youngest boy; I'm sure you'll +love him." +</P> + +<P> +"I'm sure I shall," said Mr. Spillikins. He loved him already for being +the youngest. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +And so in the fulness of time—nor was it so very full either, in fact, +only about five weeks—Peter Spillikins and Mrs. Everleigh were married +in St. Asaph's Church on Plutoria Avenue. And the wedding was one of +the most beautiful and sumptuous of the weddings of the September +season. There were flowers, and bridesmaids in long veils, and tall +ushers in frock-coats, and awnings at the church door, and strings of +motors with wedding-favours on imported chauffeurs, and all that goes +to invest marriage on Plutoria Avenue with its peculiar sacredness. The +face of the young rector, Mr. Fareforth Furlong, wore the added +saintliness that springs from a five-hundred dollar fee. The whole town +was there, or at least everybody that was anybody; and if there was one +person absent, one who sat by herself in the darkened drawing-room of a +dull little house on a shabby street, who knew or cared? +</P> + +<P> +So after the ceremony the happy couple—for were they not so?—left for +New York. There they spent their honeymoon. They had thought of +going—it was Mr. Spillikins's idea—to the coast of Maine. But Mrs. +Everleigh-Spillikins said that New York was much nicer, so restful, +whereas, as everyone knows, the coast of Maine is frightfully noisy. +</P> + +<P> +Moreover, it so happened that before the Everleigh-Spillikinses had +been more than four or five days in New York the ship of Captain +Cormorant dropped anchor in the Hudson; and when the anchor of that +ship was once down it generally stayed there. So the captain was able +to take the Everleigh-Spillikinses about in New York, and to give a tea +for Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins on the deck of his vessel so that she +might meet the officers, and another tea in a private room of a +restaurant on Fifth Avenue so that she might meet no one but himself. +</P> + +<P> +And at this tea Captain Cormorant said, among other things, "Did he +kick up rough at all when you told him about the money?" +</P> + +<P> +And Mrs. Everleigh, now Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins, said, "Not he! I +think he is actually pleased to know that I haven't any. Do you know, +Arthur, he's really an awfully good fellow," and as she said it she +moved her hand away from under Captain Cormorant's on the tea-table. +</P> + +<P> +"I say," said the Captain, "don't get sentimental over him." +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +So that is how it is that the Everleigh-Spillikinses came to reside on +Plutoria Avenue in a beautiful stone house, with a billiard-room in an +extension on the second floor. Through the windows of it one can almost +hear the click of the billiard balls, and a voice saying, "Hold on, +father, you had your shot." +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap06"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER SIX: The Rival Churches of St. Asaph and St. Osoph +</H3> + +<P> +The church of St. Asaph, more properly call St. Asaph's in the Fields, +stands among the elm trees of Plutoria Avenue opposite the university, +its tall spire pointing to the blue sky. Its rector is fond of saying +that it seems to him to point, as it were, a warning against the sins +of a commercial age. More particularly does he say this in his Lenten +services at noonday, when the businessmen sit in front of him in rows, +their bald heads uncovered and their faces stamped with contrition as +they think of mergers that they should have made, and real estate that +they failed to buy for lack of faith. +</P> + +<P> +The ground on which St. Asaph's stands is worth seven dollars and a +half a foot. The mortgagees, as they kneel in prayer in their long +frock-coats, feel that they have built upon a rock. It is a beautifully +appointed church. There are windows with priceless stained glass that +were imported from Normandy, the rector himself swearing out the +invoices to save the congregation the grievous burden of the customs +duty. There is a pipe organ in the transept that cost ten thousand +dollars to install. The debenture-holders, as they join in the morning +anthem, love to hear the dulcet notes of the great organ and to reflect +that it is as good as new. Just behind the church is St. Asaph's Sunday +School, with a ten-thousand dollar mortgage of its own. And below that +again on the side street, is the building of the Young Men's Guild with +a bowling-alley and a swimming-bath deep enough to drown two young men +at a time, and a billiard-room with seven tables. It is the rector's +boast that with a Guild House such as that there is no need for any +young man of the congregation to frequent a saloon. Nor is there. +</P> + +<P> +And on Sunday mornings, when the great organ plays, and the mortgagees +and the bond-holders and the debenture-holders and the Sunday school +teachers and the billiard-markers all lift up their voices together, +there is emitted from St. Asaph's a volume of praise that is +practically as fine and effective as paid professional work. +</P> + +<P> +St. Asaph's is episcopal. As a consequence it has in it and about it +all those things which go to make up the episcopal church—brass +tablets let into its walls, blackbirds singing in its elm trees, +parishioners who dine at eight o'clock, and a rector who wears a little +crucifix and dances the tango. +</P> + +<P> +On the other hand, there stands upon the same street, not a hundred +yards away, the rival church of St. Osoph—presbyterian down to its +very foundations in bed-rock, thirty feet below the level of the +avenue. It has a short, squat tower—and a low roof, and its narrow +windows are glazed with frosted glass. It has dark spruce trees instead +of elms, crows instead of blackbirds, and a gloomy minister with a +shovel hat who lectures on philosophy on week-days at the university. +He loves to think that his congregation are made of the lowly and the +meek in spirit, and to reflect that, lowly and meek as they are, there +are men among them that could buy out half the congregation of St. +Asaph's. +</P> + +<P> +St. Osoph's is only presbyterian in a special sense. It is, in fact, +too presbyterian to be any longer connected with any other body +whatsoever. It seceded some forty years ago from the original body to +which it belonged, and later on, with three other churches, it seceded +from the group of seceding congregations. Still later it fell into a +difference with the three other churches on the question of eternal +punishment, the word "eternal" not appearing to the elders of St. +Osoph's to designate a sufficiently long period. The dispute ended in a +secession which left the church of St. Osoph practically isolated in a +world of sin whose approaching fate it neither denied nor deplored. +</P> + +<P> +In one respect the rival churches of Plutoria Avenue had had a similar +history. Each of them had moved up by successive stages from the lower +and poorer parts of the city. Forty years ago St. Asaph's had been +nothing more than a little frame church with a tin spire, away in the +west of the slums, and St. Osoph's a square, diminutive building away +in the east. But the site of St. Asaph's had been bought by a brewing +company, and the trustees, shrewd men of business, themselves rising +into wealth, had rebuilt it right in the track of the advancing tide of +a real estate boom. The elders of St. Osoph, quiet men, but illumined +by an inner light, had followed suit and moved their church right +against the side of an expanding distillery. Thus both the churches, as +decade followed decade, made their way up the slope of the City till +St. Asaph's was presently gloriously expropriated by the street railway +company, and planted its spire in triumph on Plutoria Avenue itself. +But St. Osoph's followed. With each change of site it moved nearer and +nearer to St. Asaph's. Its elders were shrewd men. With each move of +their church they took careful thought in the rebuilding. In the +manufacturing district it was built with sixteen windows on each side +and was converted at a huge profit into a bicycle factory. On the +residential street it was made long and deep and was sold to a +moving-picture company without the alteration of so much as a pew. As a +last step a syndicate, formed among the members of the congregation +themselves, bought ground on Plutoria Avenue, and sublet it to +themselves as a site for the church, at a nominal interest of five per +cent per annum, payable nominally every three months and secured by a +nominal mortgage. +</P> + +<P> +As the two churches moved, their congregations, or at least all that +was best of them—such members as were sharing in the rising fortunes +of the City—moved also, and now for some six or seven years the two +churches and the two congregations had confronted one another among the +elm trees of the Avenue opposite to the university. +</P> + +<P> +But at this point the fortunes of the churches had diverged. St. +Asaph's was a brilliant success; St. Osoph's was a failure. Even its +own trustees couldn't deny it. At a time when St. Asaph's was not only +paying its interest but showing a handsome surplus on everything it +undertook, the church of St. Osoph was moving steadily backwards. +</P> + +<P> +There was no doubt, of course, as to the cause. Everybody knew it. It +was simply a question of men, and, as everybody said, one had only to +compare the two men conducting the churches to see why one succeeded +and the other failed. +</P> + +<P> +The Reverend Edward Fareforth Furlong of St. Asaph's was a man who +threw his whole energy into his parish work. The subtleties of +theological controversy he left to minds less active than his own. His +creed was one of works rather than of words, and whatever he was doing +he did it with his whole heart. Whether he was lunching at the +Mausoleum Club with one of his church wardens, or playing the +flute—which he played as only the episcopal clergy can play +it—accompanied on the harp by one of the fairest of the ladies of his +choir, or whether he was dancing the new episcopal tango with the +younger daughters of the elder parishioners, he threw himself into it +with all his might. He could drink tea more gracefully and play tennis +better than any clergyman on this side of the Atlantic. He could stand +beside the white stone font of St. Asaph's in his long white surplice +holding a white-robed infant, worth half a million dollars, looking as +beautifully innocent as the child itself, and drawing from every matron +of the congregation with unmarried daughters the despairing cry, "What +a pity that he has no children of his own!" +</P> + +<P> +Equally sound was his theology. No man was known to preach shorter +sermons or to explain away the book of Genesis more agreeably than the +rector of St. Asaph's; and if he found it necessary to refer to the +Deity he did so under the name of Jehovah or Jah, or even Yaweh in a +manner calculated not to hurt the sensitiveness of any of the +parishioners. People who would shudder at brutal talk of the older +fashion about the wrath of God listened with well-bred interest to a +sermon on the personal characteristics of Jah. In the same way Mr. +Furlong always referred to the devil, not as Satan but as Su or Swa, +which took all the sting out of him. Beelzebub he spoke of as +Behel-Zawbab, which rendered him perfectly harmless. The Garden of Eden +he spoke of as the Paradeisos, which explained it entirely; the flood +as the Diluvium, which cleared it up completely; and Jonah he named, +after the correct fashion Jon Nah, which put the whole situation (his +being swallowed by Baloo or the Great Lizard) on a perfectly +satisfactory footing. Hell itself was spoken of as She-ol, and it +appeared that it was not a place of burning, but rather of what one +might describe as moral torment. This settled She-ol once and for all: +nobody minds moral torment. In short, there was nothing in the +theological system of Mr. Furlong that need have occasioned in any of +his congregation a moment's discomfort. +</P> + +<P> +There could be no greater contrast with Mr. Fareforth Furlong than the +minister of St. Osoph's, the Rev. Dr. McTeague, who was also honorary +professor of philosophy at the university. The one was young, the other +was old; the one could dance the other could not; the one moved about +at church picnics and lawn teas among a bevy of disciples in pink and +blue sashes; the other moped around under the trees of the university +campus with blinking eyes that saw nothing and an abstracted mind that +had spent fifty years in trying to reconcile Hegel with St. Paul, and +was still busy with it. Mr. Furlong went forward with the times; Dr. +McTeague slid quietly backwards with the centuries. +</P> + +<P> +Dr. McTeague was a failure, and all his congregation knew it. "He is +not up to date," they said. That was his crowning sin. "He don't go +forward any," said the business members of the congregation. "That old +man believes just exactly the same sort of stuff now that he did forty +years ago. What's more, he preaches it. You can't run a church that +way, can you?" +</P> + +<P> +His trustees had done their best to meet the difficulty. They had +offered Dr. McTeague a two-years' vacation to go and see the Holy Land. +He refused; he said he could picture it. They reduced his salary by +fifty per cent; he never noticed it. They offered him an assistant; but +he shook his head, saying that he didn't know where he could find a man +to do just the work that he was doing. Meantime he mooned about among +the trees concocting a mixture of St. Paul with Hegel, three parts to +one, for his Sunday sermon, and one part to three for his Monday +lecture. +</P> + +<P> +No doubt it was his dual function that was to blame for his failure. +And this, perhaps, was the fault of Dr. Boomer, the president of the +university. Dr. Boomer, like all university presidents of today, +belonged to the presbyterian church; or rather, to state it more +correctly, he included presbyterianism within himself. He was of +course, a member of the board of management of St. Osoph's and it was +he who had urged, very strongly, the appointment of Dr. McTeague, then +senior professor of philosophy, as minister. +</P> + +<P> +"A saintly man," he said, "the very man for the post. If you should ask +me whether he is entirely at home as a professor of philosophy on our +staff at the university, I should be compelled to say no. We are forced +to admit that as a lecturer he does not meet our views. He appears to +find it difficult to keep religion out of his teaching. In fact, his +lectures are suffused with a rather dangerous attempt at moral teaching +which is apt to contaminate our students. But in the Church I should +imagine that would be, if anything, an advantage. Indeed, if you were +to come to me and say, 'Boomer, we wish to appoint Dr. McTeague as our +minister,' I should say, quite frankly, 'Take him.'" +</P> + +<P> +So Dr. McTeague had been appointed. Then, to the surprise of everybody +he refused to give up his lectures in philosophy. He said he felt a +call to give them. The salary, he said, was of no consequence. He wrote +to Mr. Furlong senior (the father of the episcopal rector and honorary +treasurer of the Plutoria University) and stated that he proposed to +give his lectures for nothing. The trustees of the college protested; +they urged that the case might set a dangerous precedent which other +professors might follow. While fully admitting that Dr. McTeague's +lectures were well worth giving for nothing, they begged him to +reconsider his offer. But he refused; and from that day on, in spite of +all offers that he should retire on double his salary, that he should +visit the Holy Land, or Syria, or Armenia, where the dreadful massacres +of Christians were taking place, Dr. McTeague clung to his post with a +tenacity worthy of the best traditions of Scotland. His only internal +perplexity was that he didn't see how, when the time came for him to +die, twenty or thirty years hence, they would ever be able to replace +him. Such was the situation of the two churches on a certain beautiful +morning in June, when an unforeseen event altered entirely the current +of their fortunes. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +"No, thank you, Juliana," said the young rector to his sister across +the breakfast table—and there was something as near to bitterness in +his look as his saintly, smooth-shaven face was capable of +reflecting—"no, thank you, no more porridge. Prunes? no, no, thank +you; I don't think I care for any. And, by the way," he added, "don't +bother to keep any lunch for me. I have a great deal of business—that +is, of work in the parish—to see to, and I must just find time to get +a bite of something to eat when and where I can." +</P> + +<P> +In his own mind he was resolving that the place should be the Mausoleum +Club and the time just as soon as the head waiter would serve him. +</P> + +<P> +After which the Reverend Edward Fareforth Furlong bowed his head for a +moment in a short, silent blessing—the one prescribed by the episcopal +church in America for a breakfast of porridge and prunes. +</P> + +<P> +It was their first breakfast together, and it spoke volumes to the +rector. He knew what it implied. It stood for his elder sister +Juliana's views on the need of personal sacrifice as a means of grace. +The rector sighed as he rose. He had never missed his younger sister +Philippa, now married and departed, so keenly. Philippa had had +opinions of her own on bacon and eggs and on lamb chops with watercress +as a means of stimulating the soul. But Juliana was different. The +rector understood now exactly why it was that his father had exclaimed, +on the news of Philippa's engagement, without a second's hesitation, +"Then, of course, Juliana must live with you! Nonsense, my dear boy, +nonsense! It's my duty to spare her to you. After all, I can always eat +at the club; they can give me a bite of something or other, surely. To +a man of my age, Edward, food is really of no consequence. No, no; +Juliana must move into the rectory at once." +</P> + +<P> +The rector's elder sister rose. She looked tall and sallow and +forbidding in the plain black dress that contrasted sadly with the +charming clerical costumes of white and pink and the broad episcopal +hats with flowers in them that Philippa used to wear for morning work +in the parish. +</P> + +<P> +"For what time shall I order dinner?" she asked. "You and Philippa used +to have it at half-past seven, did you not? Don't you think that rather +too late?" +</P> + +<P> +"A trifle perhaps," said the rector uneasily. He didn't care to explain +to Juliana that it was impossible to get home any earlier from the kind +of <I>the dansant</I> that everybody was giving just now. "But don't trouble +about dinner. I may be working very late. If I need anything to eat I +shall get a biscuit and some tea at the Guild Rooms, or—" +</P> + +<P> +He didn't finish the sentence, but in his mind he added, "or else a +really first-class dinner at the Mausoleum Club, or at the Newberrys' +or the Rasselyer-Browns'—anywhere except here." +</P> + +<P> +"If you are going, then," said Juliana, "may I have the key of the +church." +</P> + +<P> +A look of pain passed over the rector's face. He knew perfectly well +what Juliana wanted the key for. She meant to go into his church and +pray in it. +</P> + +<P> +The rector of St. Asaph's was, he trusted, as broad-minded a man as an +Anglican clergyman ought to be. He had no objection to any reasonable +use of his church—for a thanksgiving festival or for musical recitals +for example—but when it came to opening up the church and using it to +pray in, the thing was going a little too far. What was more, he had an +idea from the look on Juliana's face that she meant to pray for <I>him</I>. +This, for a clergy man, was hard to bear. Philippa, like the good girl +that she was, had prayed only for herself, and then only at the proper +times and places, and in a proper praying costume. The rector began to +realize what difficulties it might make for a clergyman to have a +religious sister as his house-mate. +</P> + +<P> +But he was never a man for unseemly argument. "It is hanging in my +study," he said. +</P> + +<P> +And with that the Rev. Fareforth Furlong passed into the hall took up +the simple silk hat, the stick and gloves of the working clergyman and +walked out on to the avenue to begin his day's work in the parish. +</P> + +<P> +The rector's parish viewed in its earthly aspect, was a singularly +beautiful place. For it extended all along Plutoria Avenue, where the +street is widest and the elm trees are at their leafiest and the motors +at their very drowsiest. It lay up and down the shaded side streets of +the residential district, darkened with great chestnuts and hushed in a +stillness that was almost religion itself. There was not a house in the +parish assessed at less than twenty-five thousand, and in very heart of +it the Mausoleum Club, with its smooth white stone and its Grecian +architecture, carried one back to the ancient world and made one think +of Athens and of Paul preaching on Mars Hill. It was, all considered, a +splendid thing to fight sin in such a parish and to keep it out of it. +For kept out it was. One might look the length and breadth of the broad +avenue and see no sign of sin all along it. There was certainly none in +the smooth faces of the chauffeurs trundling their drowsy motors; no +sign of it in the expensive children paraded by imported nursemaids in +the chequered light of the shaded street; least of all was there any +sign of it in the Stock Exchange members of the congregation as they +walked along side by side to their lunch at the Mausoleum Club, their +silk hats nodding together in earnest colloquy on Shares Preferred and +Profits Undivided. So might have walked, so must have walked, the very +Fathers of the Church themselves. +</P> + +<P> +Whatever sin there was in the City was shoved sideways into the roaring +streets of commerce where the elevated railway ran, and below that +again into the slums. Here there must have been any quantity of sin. +The rector of St. Asaph's was certain of it. Many of the richer of his +parishioners had been down in parties late at night to look at it, and +the ladies of his congregation were joined together into all sorts of +guilds and societies and bands of endeavour for stamping it out and +driving it under or putting it into jail till it surrendered. +</P> + +<P> +But the slums lay outside the rector's parish. He had no right to +interfere. They were under the charge of a special mission or +auxiliary, a remnant of the St. Asaph's of the past, placed under the +care of a divinity student, at four hundred dollars per annum. His +charge included all the slums and three police courts and two music +halls and the City jail. One Sunday afternoon in every three months the +rector and several ladies went down and sang hymns for him in his +mission-house. But his work was really very easy. A funeral, for +example, at the mission, was a simple affair, meaning nothing more than +the preparation of a plain coffin and a glassless hearse and the +distribution of a few artificial everlasting flowers to women crying in +their aprons; a thing easily done: whereas in St. Asaph's parish, where +all the really important souls were, a funeral was a large event, +requiring taste and tact, and a nice shading of delicacy in +distinguishing mourners from beneficiaries, and private grief from +business representation at the ceremony. A funeral with a plain coffin +and a hearse was as nothing beside an interment, with a casket +smothered in hot-house syringas, borne in a coach and followed by +special reporters from the financial papers. +</P> + +<P> +It appeared to the rector afterwards as almost a shocking coincidence +that the first person whom he met upon the avenue should have been the +Rev. Dr. McTeague himself. Mr. Furlong gave him the form of amiable +"good morning" that the episcopal church always extends to those in +error. But he did not hear it. The minister's head was bent low, his +eyes gazed into vacancy, and from the movements of his lips and from +the fact that he carried a leather case of notes, he was plainly on his +way to his philosophical lecture. But the rector had no time to muse +upon the abstracted appearance of his rival. For, as always happened to +him, he was no sooner upon the street than his parish work of the day +began. In fact, he had hardly taken a dozen steps after passing Dr. +McTeague when he was brought up standing by two beautiful parishioners +with pink parasols. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, Mr. Furlong," exclaimed one of them, "so fortunate to happen to +catch you; we were just going into the rectory to consult you. Should +the girls—for the lawn tea for the Guild on Friday, you know—wear +white dresses with light blue sashes all the same, or do you think we +might allow them to wear any coloured sashes that they like? What do +you think?" +</P> + +<P> +This was an important problem. In fact, there was a piece of parish +work here that it took the Reverend Fareforth half an hour to attend to +standing the while in earnest colloquy with the two ladies under the +shadow of the elm trees. But a clergyman must never be grudging of his +time. +</P> + +<P> +"Goodbye then," they said at last. "Are you coming to the Browning Club +this morning? Oh, so sorry! but we shall see you at the musicale this +afternoon, shall we not?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, I trust so," said the rector. +</P> + +<P> +"How dreadfully hard he works," said the ladies to one another as they +moved away. +</P> + +<P> +Thus slowly and with many interruptions the rector made his progress +along the avenue. At times he stopped to permit a pink-cheeked infant +in a perambulator to beat him with a rattle while he inquired its age +of an episcopal nurse, gay with flowing ribbons. He lifted his hat to +the bright parasols of his parishioners passing in glistening motors, +bowed to episcopalians, nodded amiably to presbyterians, and even +acknowledged with his lifted hat the passing of persons of graver forms +of error. +</P> + +<P> +Thus he took his way along the avenue and down a side street towards +the business district of the City, until just at the edge of it, where +the trees were about to stop and the shops were about to begin, he +found himself at the door of the Hymnal Supply Corporation, Limited. +The premises as seen from the outside combined the idea of an office +with an ecclesiastical appearance. The door was as that of a chancel or +vestry; there was a large plate-glass window filled with Bibles and +Testaments, all spread open and showing every variety of language in +their pages. These were marked, Arabic, Syriac, Coptic, Ojibway, Irish +and so forth. On the window in small white lettering were the words, +HYMNAL SUPPLY CORPORATION, and below that, HOSANNA PIPE AND STEAM ORGAN +INCORPORATED, and Still lower the legend BIBLE SOCIETY OF THE GOOD +SHEPHERD LIMITED. +</P> + +<P> +There was no doubt of the sacred character of the place. Here laboured +Mr. Furlong senior, the father of the Rev. Edward Fareforth. He was a +man of many activities; president and managing director of the +companies just mentioned, trustee and secretary of St. Asaph's, +honorary treasurer of the university, etc.; and each of his occupations +and offices was marked by something of a supramundane character, +something higher than ordinary business. His different official +positions naturally overlapped and brought him into contact with +himself from a variety of angles. Thus he sold himself hymn books at a +price per thousand, made as a business favour to himself, negotiated +with himself the purchase of the ten-thousand-dollar organ (making a +price on it to himself that he begged himself to regard as +confidential), and as treasurer of the college he sent himself an +informal note of enquiry asking if he knew of any sound investment for +the annual deficit of the college funds, a matter of some sixty +thousand dollars a year, which needed very careful handling. Any +man—and there are many such—who has been concerned with business +dealings of this sort with himself realizes that they are more +satisfactory than any other kind. +</P> + +<P> +To what better person, then, could the rector of St. Asaph's bring the +quarterly accounts and statements of his church than to Mr. Furlong +senior. +</P> + +<P> +The outer door was opened to the rector by a sanctified boy with such a +face as is only found in the choirs of the episcopal church. In an +outer office through which the rector passed were two sacred +stenographers with hair as golden as the daffodils of Sheba, copying +confidential letters on absolutely noiseless typewriters. They were +making offers of Bibles in half-car-load lots at two and a half per +cent reduction, offering to reduce St. Mark by two cents on condition +of immediate export, and to lay down St. John f.o.b. San Francisco for +seven cents, while regretting that they could deliver fifteen thousand +Rock of Ages in Missouri on no other terms than cash. +</P> + +<P> +The sacred character of their work lent them a preoccupation beautiful +to behold. +</P> + +<P> +In the room beyond them was a white-haired confidential clerk, +venerable as the Song of Solomon, and by him Mr. Fareforth Furlong was +duly shown into the office of his father. +</P> + +<P> +"Good morning, Edward," said Mr. Furlong senior, as he shook hands. "I +was expecting you. And while I think of it, I have just had a letter +from Philippa. She and Tom will be home in two or three weeks. She +writes from Egypt. She wishes me to tell you, as no doubt you have +already anticipated, that she thinks she can hardly continue to be a +member of the congregation when they come back. No doubt you felt this +yourself?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, entirely," said the rector. "Surely in matters of belief a wife +must follow her husband." +</P> + +<P> +"Exactly; especially as Tom's uncles occupy the position they do with +regard to—" Mr. Furlong jerked his head backwards and pointed with his +thumb over his shoulder in a way that his son knew was meant to +indicate St. Osoph's Church. +</P> + +<P> +The Overend brothers, who were Tom's uncles (his name being Tom +Overend) were, as everybody knew, among the principal supporters of St. +Osoph's. Not that they were, by origin, presbyterians. But they were +self-made men, which put them once and for all out of sympathy with +such a place as St. Asaph's. "We made ourselves," the two brothers used +to repeat in defiance of the catechism of the Anglican Church. They +never wearied of explaining how Mr. Dick, the senior brother, had +worked overtime by day to send Mr. George, the junior brother, to +school by night, and how Mr. George had then worked overtime by night +to send Mr. Dick to school by day. Thus they had come up the business +ladder hand over hand, landing later on in life on the platform of +success like two corpulent acrobats, panting with the strain of it. +"For years," Mr. George would explain, "we had father and mother to +keep as well; then they died, and Dick and me saw daylight." By which +he meant no harm at all, but only stated a fact, and concealed the +virtue of it. +</P> + +<P> +And being self-made men they made it a point to do what they could to +lessen the importance of such an institution as St. Asaph's Church. By +the same contrariety of nature the two Overend brothers (their business +name was Overend Brothers, Limited) were supporters of the dissentient +Young Men's Guild, and the second or rival University Settlement, and +of anything or everything that showed a likelihood of making trouble. +On this principle they were warm supporters and friends of the Rev. Dr. +McTeague. The minister had even gone so far as to present to the +brothers a copy of his philosophical work "McTeague's Exposition of the +Kantian Hypothesis." and the two brothers had read it through in the +office, devoting each of them a whole morning to it. Mr. Dick, the +senior brother, had said that he had never seen anything like it, and +Mr. George, the junior, had declared that a man who could write that +was capable of anything. +</P> + +<P> +On the whole it was evident that the relations between the Overend +family and the presbyterian religion were too intimate to allow Mrs. +Tom Overend, formerly Miss Philippa Furlong, to sit anywhere else of a +Sunday than under Dr. McTeague. +</P> + +<P> +"Philippa writes," continued Mr. Furlong "that under the circumstances +she and Tom would like to do something for your church. She would +like—yes, I have the letter here—to give you, as a surprise, of +course, either a new font or a carved pulpit; or perhaps a cheque; she +wishes me on no account to mention it to you directly, but to ascertain +indirectly from you, what would be the better surprise." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, a cheque, I think," said the rector; "one can do so much more with +it, after all." +</P> + +<P> +"Precisely," said his father; he was well aware of many things that can +be done with a cheque that cannot possibly be done with a font. +</P> + +<P> +"That's settled then," resumed Mr. Furlong; "and now I suppose you want +me to run my eye over your quarterly statements, do you not, before we +send them in to the trustees? That is what you've come for, is it not?" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," said the rector, drawing a bundle of blue and white papers from +his pocket. "I have everything with me. Our showing is, I believe, +excellent, though I fear I fail to present it as clearly as it might be +done." +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Furlong senior spread the papers on the table before him and +adjusted his spectacles to a more convenient angle. He smiled +indulgently as he looked at the documents before him. +</P> + +<P> +"I am afraid you would never make an accountant, Edward," he said. +</P> + +<P> +"I fear not," said the rector. +</P> + +<P> +"Your items," said his father, "are entered wrongly. Here, for example, +in the general statement, you put down Distribution of Coals to the +Poor to your credit. In the same way, Bibles and Prizes to the Sunday +School you again mark to your credit. Why? Don't you see, my boy, that +these things are debits? When you give out Bibles or distribute fuel to +the poor you give out something for which you get no return. It is a +debit. On the other hand, such items as Church Offertory, Scholars' +Pennies, etc., are pure profit. Surely the principle is clear." +</P> + +<P> +"I think I see it better now," said the Rev. Edward. +</P> + +<P> +"Perfectly plain, isn't it?" his father went on. "And here again. +Paupers' Burial Fund, a loss; enter it as such. Christmas Gift to +Verger and Sexton, an absolute loss—you get nothing in return. Widows' +Mite, Fines inflicted in Sunday School, etc., these are profit; write +them down as such. By this method, you see, in ordinary business we can +tell exactly where we stand: anything which we give out without return +or reward we count as a debit; all that we take from others without +giving in return we count as so much to our credit." +</P> + +<P> +"Ah, yes," murmured the rector. "I begin to understand." +</P> + +<P> +"Very good. But after all, Edward, I mustn't quarrel with the mere form +of your accounts; the statement is really a splendid showing. I see +that not only is our mortgage and debenture interest all paid to date, +but that a number of our enterprises are making a handsome return. I +notice, for example, that the Girls' Friendly Society of the church not +only pays for itself, but that you are able to take something out of +its funds and transfer it to the Men's Book Club. Excellent! And I +observe that you have been able to take a large portion of the Soup +Kitchen Fund and put it into the Rector's Picnic Account. Very good +indeed. In this respect your figures are a model for church accounts +anywhere." +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Furlong continued his scrutiny of the accounts. "Excellent," he +murmured, "and on the whole an annual surplus, I see, of several +thousands. But stop a bit," he continued, checking himself; "what's +this? Are you aware, Edward, that you are losing money on your Foreign +Missions Account?" +</P> + +<P> +"I feared as much," said Edward. +</P> + +<P> +"It's incontestable. Look at the figures for yourself: missionary's +salary so much, clothes and books to converts so much, voluntary and +other offerings of converts so much why, you're losing on it, Edward!" +exclaimed Mr. Furlong, and he shook his head dubiously at the accounts +before him. +</P> + +<P> +"I thought," protested his son, "that in view of the character of the +work itself—" +</P> + +<P> +"Quite so," answered his father, "quite so. I fully admit the force of +that. I am only asking you, is it worth it? Mind you, I am not speaking +now as a Christian, but as a businessman. Is it worth it?" +</P> + +<P> +"I thought that perhaps, in view of the fact of our large surplus in +other directions—" +</P> + +<P> +"Exactly," said his father, "a heavy surplus. It is precisely on that +point that I wished to speak to you this morning. You have at present a +large annual surplus, and there is every prospect under Providence—in +fact, I think in any case—of it continuing for years to come. If I may +speak very frankly I should say that as long as our reverend friend, +Dr. McTeague, continues in his charge of St. Osoph's—and I trust that +he may be spared for many years to come—you are likely to enjoy the +present prosperity of your church. Very good. The question arises, what +disposition are we to make of our accumulating funds?" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," said the rector, hesitating. +</P> + +<P> +"I am speaking to you now," said his father "not as the secretary of +your church, but as president of the Hymnal Supply Company which I +represent here. Now please understand, Edward, I don't want in any way +to force or control your judgment. I merely wish to show you +certain—shall I say certain opportunities that present themselves for +the disposal of our funds? The matter can be taken up later, formally, +by yourself and the trustees of the church. As a matter of fact, I have +already written to myself as secretary in the matter, and I have +received what I consider a quite encouraging answer. Let me explain +what I propose." +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Furlong senior rose, and opening the door of the office, +</P> + +<P> +"Everett," he said to the ancient clerk, "kindly give me a Bible." +</P> + +<P> +It was given to him. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Furlong stood with the Bible poised in his hand. +</P> + +<P> +"Now we," he went on, "I mean the Hymnal Supply Corporation, have an +idea for bringing out an entirely new Bible." +</P> + +<P> +A look of dismay appeared on the saintly face of the rector. +</P> + +<P> +"A new Bible!" he gasped. +</P> + +<P> +"Precisely!" said his father, "a new Bible! This one—and we find it +every day in our business—is all wrong." +</P> + +<P> +"All wrong!" said the rector with horror in his face. +</P> + +<P> +"My dear boy," exclaimed his father, "pray, pray, do not misunderstand +me. Don't imagine for a moment that I mean wrong in a religious sense. +Such a thought could never, I hope, enter my mind. All that I mean is +that this Bible is badly made up." +</P> + +<P> +"Badly made up?" repeated his son, as mystified as ever. +</P> + +<P> +"I see that you do not understand me. What I mean is this. Let me try +to make myself quite clear. For the market of today this Bible"—and he +poised it again on his hand, as if to test its weight, "is too heavy. +The people of today want something lighter, something easier to get +hold of. Now if—" +</P> + +<P> +But what Mr. Furlong was about to say was lost forever to the world. +</P> + +<P> +For just at this juncture something occurred calculated to divert not +only Mr. Furlong's sentence, but the fortunes and the surplus of St. +Asaph's itself. At the very moment when Mr. Furlong was speaking a +newspaper delivery man in the street outside handed to the sanctified +boy the office copy of the noonday paper. And the boy had no sooner +looked at its headlines than he said, "How dreadful!" Being sanctified, +he had no stronger form of speech than that. But he handed the paper +forthwith to one of the stenographers with hair like the daffodils of +Sheba, and when she looked at it she exclaimed, "How awful!" And she +knocked at once at the door of the ancient clerk and gave the paper to +him; and when he looked at it and saw the headline the ancient clerk +murmured, "Ah!" in the gentle tone in which very old people greet the +news of catastrophe or sudden death. +</P> + +<P> +But in his turn he opened Mr. Furlong's door and put down the paper, +laying his finger on the column for a moment without a word. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Furlong stopped short in his sentence. "Dear me!" he said as his +eyes caught the item of news. "How very dreadful!" +</P> + +<P> +"What is it?" said the rector. +</P> + +<P> +"Dr. McTeague," answered his father. "He has been stricken with +paralysis!" +</P> + +<P> +"How shocking!" said the rector, aghast. "But when? I saw him only this +morning." +</P> + +<P> +"It has just happened," said his father, following down the column of +the newspaper as he spoke, "this morning, at the university, in his +classroom, at a lecture. Dear me, how dreadful! I must go and see the +president at once." +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Furlong was about to reach for his hat and stick when at that +moment the aged clerk knocked at the door. +</P> + +<P> +"Dr. Boomer," he announced in a tone of solemnity suited to the +occasion. +</P> + +<P> +Dr. Boomer entered, shook hands in silence and sat down. +</P> + +<P> +"You have heard our sad news, I suppose?" he said. He used the word +"our" as between the university president and his honorary treasurer. +</P> + +<P> +"How did it happen?" asked Mr. Furlong. +</P> + +<P> +"Most distressing," said the president. "Dr. McTeague, it seems, had +just entered his ten o'clock class (the hour was about ten-twenty) and +was about to open his lecture, when one of his students rose in his +seat and asked a question. It is a practice," continued Dr. Boomer, +"which, I need hardly say, we do not encourage; the young man, I +believe, was a newcomer in the philosophy class. At any rate, he asked +Dr. McTeague, quite suddenly it appears; how he could reconcile his +theory of transcendental immaterialism with a scheme of rigid moral +determinism. Dr. McTeague stared for a moment, his mouth, so the class +assert, painfully open. The student repeated the question, and poor +McTeague fell forward over his desk, paralysed." +</P> + +<P> +"Is he dead?" gasped Mr. Furlong. +</P> + +<P> +"No," said the president. "But we expect his death at any moment. Dr. +Slyder, I may say, is with him now and is doing all he can." +</P> + +<P> +"In any case, I suppose, he could hardly recover enough to continue his +college duties," said the young rector. +</P> + +<P> +"Out of the question," said the president. "I should not like to state +that of itself mere paralysis need incapacitate a professor. Dr. Thrum, +our professor of the theory of music, is, as you know, paralysed in his +ears, and Mr. Slant, our professor of optics, is paralysed in his right +eye. But this is a case of paralysis of the brain. I fear it is +incompatible with professorial work." +</P> + +<P> +"Then, I suppose," said Mr. Furlong senior, "we shall have to think of +the question of a successor." +</P> + +<P> +They had both <I>been</I> thinking of it for at least three minutes. "We +must," said the president. "For the moment I feel too stunned by the +sad news to act. I have merely telegraphed to two or three leading +colleges for a <I>locum tenens</I> and sent out a few advertisements +announcing the chair as vacant. But it will be difficult to replace +McTeague. He was a man," added Dr. Boomer, rehearsing in advance, +unconsciously, no doubt, his forthcoming oration over Dr. McTeague's +death, "of a singular grasp, a breadth of culture, and he was able, as +few men are, to instil what I might call a spirit of religion into his +teaching. His lectures, indeed, were suffused with moral instruction, +and exercised over his students an influence second only to that of the +pulpit itself." +</P> + +<P> +He paused. +</P> + +<P> +"Ah yes, the pulpit," said Mr. Furlong, "there indeed you will miss +him." +</P> + +<P> +"That," said Dr. Boomer very reverently, "is our real loss, deep, +irreparable. I suppose, indeed I am certain, we shall never again see +such a man in the pulpit of St. Osoph's. Which reminds me," he added +more briskly, "I must ask the newspaper people to let it be known that +there will be service as usual the day after tomorrow, and that Dr. +McTeague's death will, of course, make no difference—that is to say—I +must see the newspaper people at once." +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +That afternoon all the newspaper editors in the City were busy getting +their obituary notices ready for the demise of Dr. McTeague. +</P> + +<P> +"The death of Dr. McTeague," wrote the editor of the <I>Commercial and +Financial Undertone</I>, a paper which had almost openly advocated the +minister's dismissal for five years back, "comes upon us as an +irreparable loss. His place will be difficult, nay, impossible, to +fill. Whether as a philosopher or a divine he cannot be replaced." +</P> + +<P> +"We have no hesitation in saying," so wrote the editor of the +<I>Plutorian Times</I>, a three-cent morning paper, which was able to take a +broad or three-cent point of view of men and things, "that the loss of +Dr. McTeague will be just as much felt in Europe as in America. To +Germany the news that the hand that penned 'McTeague's Shorter +Exposition of the Kantian Hypothesis' has ceased to write will come +with the shock of poignant anguish; while to France—" +</P> + +<P> +The editor left the article unfinished at that point. After all, he was +a ready writer, and he reflected that there would be time enough before +actually going to press to consider from what particular angle the blow +of McTeague's death would strike down the people of France. +</P> + +<P> +So ran in speech and in writing, during two or three days, the requiem +of Dr. McTeague. +</P> + +<P> +Altogether there were more kind things said of him in the three days +during which he was taken for dead, than in thirty years of his +life—which seemed a pity. +</P> + +<P> +And after it all, at the close of the third day, Dr. McTeague feebly +opened his eyes. +</P> + +<P> +But when he opened them the world had already passed on, and left him +behind. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap07"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER SEVEN: The Ministrations of the Rev. Uttermust Dumfarthing +</H3> + +<P> +"Well, then, gentlemen, I think we have all agreed upon our man?" +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Dick Overend looked around the table as he spoke at the managing +trustees of St. Osoph's church. They were assembled in an upper +committee room of the Mausoleum Club. Their official place of meeting +was in a board room off the vestry of the church. But they had felt a +draught in it, some four years ago, which had wafted them over to the +club as their place of assembly. In the club there were no draughts. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Dick Overend sat at the head of the table, his brother George +beside him, and Dr. Boomer at the foot. Beside them were Mr. Boulder, +Mr. Skinyer (of Skinyer and Beatem) and the rest of the trustees. +</P> + +<P> +"You are agreed, then, on the Reverend Uttermust Dumfarthing?" +</P> + +<P> +"Quite agreed," murmured several trustees together. +</P> + +<P> +"A most remarkable man," said Dr. Boomer. "I heard him preach in his +present church. He gave utterance to thoughts that I have myself been +thinking for years. I never listened to anything so sound or so +scholarly." +</P> + +<P> +"I heard him the night he preached in New York," said Mr. Boulder. "He +preached a sermon to the poor. He told them they were no good. I never +heard, outside of a Scotch pulpit, such splendid invective." +</P> + +<P> +"Is he Scotch?" said one of the trustees. +</P> + +<P> +"Of Scotch parentage," said the university president. "I believe he is +one of the Dumfarthings of Dunfermline, Dumfries." +</P> + +<P> +Everybody said "Oh," and there was a pause. +</P> + +<P> +"Is he married?" asked one of the trustees. "I understand," answered +Dr. Boomer, "that he is a widower with one child, a little girl." +</P> + +<P> +"Does he make any conditions?" +</P> + +<P> +"None whatever," said the chairman, consulting a letter before him, +"except that he is to have absolute control, and in regard to salary. +These two points settled, he says, he places himself entirely in our +hands." +</P> + +<P> +"And the salary?" asked someone. +</P> + +<P> +"Ten thousand dollars," said the chairman, "payable quarterly in +advance." +</P> + +<P> +A chorus of approval went round the table. "Good," "Excellent," "A +first-class man," muttered the trustees, "just what we want." +</P> + +<P> +"I am sure, gentlemen," said Mr. Dick Overend, voicing the sentiments +of everybody, "we do <I>not</I> want a cheap man. Several of the candidates +whose names have been under consideration here have been in many +respects—in point of religious qualification, let us say—most +desirable men. The name of Dr. McSkwirt, for example, has been +mentioned with great favour by several of the trustees. But he's a +cheap man. I feel we don't want him." +</P> + +<P> +"What is Mr. Dumfarthing getting where he is?" asked Mr. Boulder. +</P> + +<P> +"Nine thousand nine hundred," said the chairman. +</P> + +<P> +"And Dr. McSkwirt?" +</P> + +<P> +"Fourteen hundred dollars." +</P> + +<P> +"Well, that settles it!" exclaimed everybody with a burst of +enlightenment. +</P> + +<P> +And so it was settled. +</P> + +<P> +In fact, nothing could have been plainer. +</P> + +<P> +"I suppose," said Mr. George Overend as they were about to rise, "that +we are quite justified in taking it for granted that Dr. McTeague will +never be able to resume work?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, absolutely for granted," said Dr. Boomer. "Poor McTeague! I hear +from Slyder that he was making desperate efforts this morning to sit up +in bed. His nurse with difficulty prevented him." +</P> + +<P> +"Is his power of speech gone?" asked Mr. Boulder. +</P> + +<P> +"Practically so; in any case, Dr. Slyder insists on his not using it. +In fact, poor McTeague's mind is a wreck. His nurse was telling me that +this morning he was reaching out his hand for the newspaper, and seemed +to want to read one of the editorials. It was quite pathetic," +concluded Dr. Boomer, shaking his head. +</P> + +<P> +So the whole matter was settled, and next day all the town knew that +St. Osoph's Church had extended a call to the Rev. Uttermust +Dumfarthing, and that he had accepted it. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +Within a few weeks of this date the Reverend Uttermust Dumfarthing +moved into the manse of St. Osoph's and assumed his charge. And +forthwith he became the sole topic of conversation on Plutoria Avenue. +"Have you seen the new minister of St. Osoph's?" everybody asked. "Have +you been to hear Dr. Dumfarthing?" "Were you at St. Osoph's Church on +Sunday morning? Ah, you really should go! most striking sermon I ever +listened to." +</P> + +<P> +The effect of him was absolute and instantaneous; there was no doubt of +it. +</P> + +<P> +"My dear," said Mrs. Buncomhearst to one of her friends, in describing +how she had met him, "I never saw a more striking man. Such power in +his face! Mr. Boulder introduced him to me on the avenue, and he hardly +seemed to see me at all, simply scowled! I was never so favourably +impressed with any man." +</P> + +<P> +On his very first Sunday he preached to his congregation on eternal +punishment, leaning forward in his black gown and shaking his fist at +them. Dr. McTeague had never shaken his fist in thirty years, and as +for the Rev. Fareforth Furlong, he was incapable of it. +</P> + +<P> +But the Rev. Uttermust Dumfarthing told his congregation that he was +convinced that at least seventy per cent of them were destined for +eternal punishment; and he didn't call it by that name, but labelled it +simply and forcibly "hell." The word had not been heard in any church +in the better part of the City for a generation. The congregation was +so swelled next Sunday that the minister raised the percentage to +eighty-five, and everybody went away delighted. Young and old flocked +to St. Osoph's. Before a month had passed the congregation at the +evening service at St. Asaph's Church was so slender that the +offertory, as Mr. Furlong senior himself calculated, was scarcely +sufficient to pay the overhead charge of collecting it. +</P> + +<P> +The presence of so many young men sitting in serried files close to the +front was the only feature of his congregation that extorted from the +Rev. Mr. Dumfarthing something like approval. +</P> + +<P> +"It is a joy to me to see," he remarked to several of his trustees, +"that there are in the City so many godly young men, whatever the +elders may be." +</P> + +<P> +But there may have been a secondary cause at work, for among the godly +young men of Plutoria Avenue the topic of conversation had not been, +"Have you heard the new presbyterian minister?" but, "Have you seen his +daughter? You haven't? Well, say!" +</P> + +<P> +For it turned out that the "child" of Dr. Uttermust Dumfarthing, +so-called by the trustees, was the kind of child that wears a little +round hat, straight from Paris, with an upright feather in it, and a +silk dress in four sections, and shoes with high heels that would have +broken the heart of John Calvin. Moreover, she had the distinction of +being the only person on Plutoria Avenue who was not one whit afraid of +the Reverend Uttermust Dumfarthing. She even amused herself, in +violation of all rules, by attending evening service at St. Asaph's, +where she sat listening to the Reverend Edward, and feeling that she +had never heard anything so sensible in her life. +</P> + +<P> +"I'm simply dying to meet your brother," she said to Mrs. Tom Overend, +otherwise Philippa; "he's such a complete contrast with father." She +knew no higher form of praise: "Father's sermons are always so +frightfully full of religion." +</P> + +<P> +And Philippa promised that meet him she should. +</P> + +<P> +But whatever may have been the effect of the presence of Catherine +Dumfarthing, there is no doubt the greater part of the changed +situation was due to Dr. Dumfarthing himself. +</P> + +<P> +Everything he did was calculated to please. He preached sermons to the +rich and told them they were mere cobwebs, and they liked it; he +preached a special sermon to the poor and warned them to be mighty +careful; he gave a series of weekly talks to workingmen, and knocked +them sideways; and in the Sunday School he gave the children so fierce +a talk on charity and the need of giving freely and quickly, that such +a stream of pennies and nickels poured into Catherine Dumfarthing's +Sunday School Fund as hadn't been seen in the church in fifty years. +</P> + +<P> +Nor was Mr. Dumfarthing different in his private walk of life. He was +heard to speak openly of the Overend brothers as "men of wrath," and +they were so pleased that they repeated it to half the town. It was the +best business advertisement they had had for years. +</P> + +<P> +Dr. Boomer was captivated with the man. "True scholarship," he +murmured, as Dr. Dumfarthing poured undiluted Greek and Hebrew from the +pulpit, scorning to translate a word of it. Under Dr. Boomer's charge +the minister was taken over the length and breadth of Plutoria +University, and reviled it from the foundations up. +</P> + +<P> +"Our library," said the president, "two hundred thousand volumes!" +</P> + +<P> +"Aye," said the minister, "a powerful heap of rubbish, I'll be bound!" +</P> + +<P> +"The photograph of our last year's graduating class," said the +president. +</P> + +<P> +"A poor lot, to judge by the faces of them," said the minister. +</P> + +<P> +"This, Dr. Dumfarthing, is our new radiographic laboratory; Mr. Spiff, +our demonstrator, is preparing slides which, I believe, actually show +the movements of the atom itself, do they not, Mr. Spiff?" +</P> + +<P> +"Ah," said the minister, piercing Mr. Spiff from beneath his dark +brows, "it will not avail you, young man." +</P> + +<P> +Dr. Boomer was delighted. "Poor McTeague," he said—"and by the way, +Boyster, I hear that McTeague is trying to walk again; a great error, +it shouldn't be allowed!—poor McTeague knew nothing of science." +</P> + +<P> +The students themselves shared in the enthusiasm, especially after Dr. +Dumfarthing had given them a Sunday afternoon talk in which he showed +that their studies were absolutely futile. As soon as they knew this +they went to work with a vigour that put new life into the college. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +Meantime the handsome face of the Reverend Edward Fareforth Furlong +began to wear a sad and weary look that had never been seen on it +before. He watched the congregation drifting from St. Asaph's to St. +Osoph's and was powerless to prevent it. His sadness reached its climax +one bright afternoon in the late summer, when he noticed that even his +episcopal blackbirds were leaving his elms and moving westward to the +spruce trees of the manse. +</P> + +<P> +He stood looking at them with melancholy on his face. "Why, Edward," +cried his sister, Philippa, as her motor stopped beside him, "how +doleful you look! Get into the car and come out into the country for a +ride. Let the parish teas look after themselves for today." +</P> + +<P> +Tom, Philippa's husband, was driving his own car—he was rich enough to +be able to—and seated with Philippa in the car was an unknown person, +as prettily dressed as Philippa herself. To the rector she was +presently introduced as Miss Catherine Something—he didn't hear the +rest of it. Nor did he need to. It was quite plain that her surname, +whatever it was, was a very temporary and transitory affair. +</P> + +<P> +So they sped rapidly out of the City and away out into the country, +mile after mile, through cool, crisp air, and among woods with the +touch of autumn bright already upon them, and with blue sky and great +still clouds white overhead. And the afternoon was so beautiful and so +bright that as they went along there was no talk about religion at all! +nor was there any mention of Mothers' Auxiliaries, or Girls' Friendly +Societies, nor any discussion of the poor. It was too glorious a day. +But they spoke instead of the new dances, and whether they had come to +stay, and of such sensible topics as that. Then presently, as they went +on still further, Philippa leaned forwards and talked to Tom over his +shoulder and reminded him that this was the very road to Castel +Casteggio, and asked him if he remembered coming up it with her to join +the Newberry's ever so long ago. Whatever it was that Tom answered it +is not recorded, but it is certain that it took so long in the saying +that the Reverend Edward talked in tete-a-tete with Catherine for +fifteen measured miles, and was unaware that it was more than five +minutes. Among other things he said, and she agreed—or she said and he +agreed—that for the new dances it was necessary to have always one and +the same partner, and to keep that partner all the time. And somehow +simple sentiments of that sort, when said direct into a pair of +listening blue eyes behind a purple motor veil, acquire an infinite +significance. +</P> + +<P> +Then, not much after that, say three or four minutes, they were all of +a sudden back in town again, running along Plutoria Avenue, and to the +rector's surprise the motor was stopping outside the manse, and +Catherine was saying, "Oh, thank you ever so much, Philippa; it was +just heavenly!" which showed that the afternoon had had its religious +features after all. "What!" said the rector's sister, as they moved off +again, "didn't you know? That's Catherine Dumfarthing!" +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +When the Rev. Fareforth Furlong arrived home at the rectory he spent an +hour or so in the deepest of deep thought in an armchair in his study. +Nor was it any ordinary parish problem that he was revolving in his +mind. He was trying to think out some means by which his sister Juliana +might be induced to commit the sin of calling on the daughter of a +presbyterian minister. +</P> + +<P> +The thing had to be represented as in some fashion or other an act of +self-denial, a form of mortification of the flesh. Otherwise he knew +Juliana would never do it. But to call on Miss Catherine Dumfarthing +seemed to him such an altogether delightful and unspeakably blissful +process that he hardly knew how to approach the topic. So when Juliana +presently came home the rector could find no better way of introducing +the subject than by putting it on the ground of Philippa's marriage to +Miss Dumfarthing's father's trustee's nephew. +</P> + +<P> +"Juliana," he said, "don't you think that perhaps, on account of +Philippa and Tom, you ought—or at least it might be best for you to +call on Miss Dumfarthing?" +</P> + +<P> +Juliana turned to her brother as he laid aside her bonnet and her black +gloves. +</P> + +<P> +"I've just been there this afternoon," she said. +</P> + +<P> +There was something as near to a blush on her face as her brother had +ever seen. +</P> + +<P> +"But she was not there!" he said. +</P> + +<P> +"No," answered Juliana, "but Mr. Dumfarthing was. I stayed and talked +some time with him, waiting for her." +</P> + +<P> +The rector gave a sort of whistle, or rather that blowing out of air +which is the episcopal symbol for it. +</P> + +<P> +"Didn't you find him pretty solemn?" he said. +</P> + +<P> +"Solemn!" answered his sister. "Surely, Edward, a man in such a calling +as his ought to be solemn." +</P> + +<P> +"I don't mean that exactly," said the rector; "I mean—er—hard, +bitter, so to speak." +</P> + +<P> +"Edward!" exclaimed Juliana, "how can you speak so. Mr. Dumfarthing +hard! Mr. Dumfarthing bitter! Why, Edward, the man is gentleness and +kindness itself. I don't think I ever met anyone so full of sympathy, +of compassion with suffering." +</P> + +<P> +Juliana's face had flushed It was quite plain that she saw things in +the Reverend Uttermust Dumfarthing—as some one woman does in every +man—that no one else could see. +</P> + +<P> +The Reverend Edward was abashed. "I wasn't thinking of his character," +he said. "I was thinking rather of his doctrines. Wait till you have +heard him preach." +</P> + +<P> +Juliana flushed more deeply still. "I heard him last Sunday evening," +she said. +</P> + +<P> +The rector was silent, and his sister, as if impelled to speak, went on, +</P> + +<P> +"And I don't see, Edward, how anyone could think him a hard or bigoted +man in his creed. He walked home with me to the gate just now, and he +was speaking of all the sin in the world, and of how few, how very few +people, can be saved, and how many will have to be burned as worthless; +and he spoke so beautifully. He regrets it, Edward, regrets it deeply. +It is a real grief to him." +</P> + +<P> +On which Juliana, half in anger, withdrew, and her brother the rector +sat back in his chair with smiles rippling all over his saintly face. +For he had been wondering whether it would be possible, even remotely +possible, to get his sister to invite the Dumfarthings to high tea at +the rectory some day at six o'clock (evening dinner was out of the +question), and now he knew within himself that the thing was as good as +done. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +While such things as these were happening and about to happen, there +were many others of the congregation of St. Asaph's beside the rector +to whom the growing situation gave cause for serious perplexities. +Indeed, all who were interested in the church, the trustees and the +mortgagees and the underlying debenture-holders, were feeling anxious. +For some of them underlay the Sunday School, whose scholars' offerings +had declined forty per cent, and others underlay the new organ, not yet +paid for, while others were lying deeper still beneath the ground site +of the church with seven dollars and a half a square foot resting on +them. +</P> + +<P> +"I don't like it," said Mr. Lucullus Fyshe to Mr. Newberry (they were +both prominent members of the congregation). "I don't like the look of +things. I took up a block of Furlong's bonds on his Guild building from +what seemed at the time the best of motives. The interest appeared +absolutely certain. Now it's a month overdue on the last quarter. I +feel alarmed." +</P> + +<P> +"Neither do I like it," said Mr. Newberry, shaking his head; "and I'm +sorry for Fareforth Furlong. An excellent fellow, Fyshe, excellent. I +keep wondering Sunday after Sunday, if there isn't something I can do +to help him out. One might do something further, perhaps, in the way of +new buildings or alterations. I have, in fact, offered—by myself, I +mean, and without other aid—to dynamite out the front of his church, +underpin it, and put him in a Norman gateway; either that, or blast out +the back of it where the choir sit, just as he likes. I was thinking +about it last Sunday as they were singing the anthem, and realizing +what a lot one might do there with a few sticks of dynamite." +</P> + +<P> +"I doubt it," said Mr. Fyshe. "In fact, Newberry, to speak very +frankly, I begin to ask myself, Is Furlong the man for the post?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, surely," said Mr. Newberry in protest. +</P> + +<P> +"Personally a charming fellow," went on Mr. Fyshe; "but is he, all said +and done, quite the man to conduct a church? In the <I>first</I> place, he +is <I>not</I> a businessman." +</P> + +<P> +"No," said Mr. Newberry reluctantly, "that I admit." +</P> + +<P> +"Very good. And, <I>secondly</I>, even in the matter of his religion itself, +one always feels as if he were too little fixed, too unstable. He +simply moves with the times. That, at least, is what people are +beginning to say of him, that he is perpetually moving with the times. +It doesn't do, Newberry, it doesn't do." Whereupon Mr. Newberry went +away troubled and wrote to Fareforth Furlong a confidential letter with +a signed cheque in it for the amount of Mr. Fyshe's interest, and with +such further offerings of dynamite, of underpinning and blasting as his +conscience prompted. +</P> + +<P> +When the rector received and read the note and saw the figures of the +cheque, there arose such a thankfulness in his spirit as he hadn't felt +for months, and he may well have murmured, for the repose of Mr. +Newberry's soul, a prayer not found in the rubric of King James. +</P> + +<P> +All the more cause had he to feel light at heart, for as it chanced, it +was on that same evening that the Dumfarthings, father and daughter, +were to take tea at the rectory. Indeed, a few minutes before six +o'clock they might have been seen making their way from the manse to +the rectory. +</P> + +<P> +On their way along the avenue the minister took occasion to reprove his +daughter for the worldliness of her hat (it was a little trifle from +New York that she had bought out of the Sunday School money—a +temporary loan); and a little further on he spoke to her severely about +the parasol she carried; and further yet about the strange fashion, +specially condemned by the Old Testament, in which she wore her hair. +So Catherine knew in her heart from this that she must be looking her +very prettiest, and went into the rectory radiant. +</P> + +<P> +The tea was, of course, an awkward meal at the best. There was an +initial difficulty about grace, not easily surmounted. And when the +Rev. Mr. Dumfarthing sternly refused tea as a pernicious drink +weakening to the system, the Anglican rector was too ignorant of the +presbyterian system to know enough to give him Scotch whiskey. +</P> + +<P> +But there were bright spots in the meal as well. The rector was even +able to ask Catherine, sideways as a personal question, if she played +tennis; and she was able to whisper behind her hand, "Not allowed," and +to make a face in the direction of her father, who was absorbed for the +moment in a theological question with Juliana. Indeed, before the +conversation became general again the rector had contrived to make a +rapid arrangement with Catherine whereby she was to come with him to +the Newberry's tennis court the day following and learn the game, with +or without permission. +</P> + +<P> +So the tea was perhaps a success in its way. And it is noteworthy that +Juliana spent the days that followed it in reading Calvin's +"Institutes" (specially loaned to her) and "Dumfarthing on the +Certainty of Damnation" (a gift), and in praying for her brother—a +task practically without hope. During which same time the rector in +white flannels, and Catherine in a white duck skirt and blouse, were +flying about on the green grass of the Newberrys' court, and calling, +"love," "love all," to one another so gaily and so brazenly that even +Mr. Newberry felt that there must be something in it. +</P> + +<P> +But all these things came merely as interludes in the moving currents +of greater events; for as the summer faded into autumn and autumn into +winter the anxieties of the trustees of St. Asaph's began to call for +action of some sort. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +"Edward," said the rector's father on the occasion of their next +quarterly discussion, "I cannot conceal from you that the position of +things is very serious. Your statements show a falling off in every +direction. Your interest is everywhere in arrears; your current account +overdrawn to the limit. At this rate, you know, the end is inevitable. +Your debenture and bondholders will decide to foreclose; and if they +do, you know, there is no power that can stop them. Even with your +limited knowledge of business you are probably aware that there is no +higher power that can influence or control the holder of a first +mortgage." +</P> + +<P> +"I fear so," said the Rev. Edward very sadly. +</P> + +<P> +"Do you not think perhaps that some of the shortcoming lies with +yourself?" continued Mr. Furlong. "Is it not possible that as a +preacher you fail somewhat, do not, as it were, deal sufficiently with +fundamental things as others do? You leave untouched the truly vital +issues, such things as the creation, death, and, if I may refer to it, +the life beyond the grave." +</P> + +<P> +As a result of which the Reverend Edward preached a series of special +sermons on the creation for which he made a special and arduous +preparation in the library of Plutoria University. He said that it had +taken a million, possibly a hundred million years of quite difficult +work to accomplish, and that though when we looked at it all was +darkness still we could not be far astray if we accepted and held fast +to the teachings of Sir Charles Lyell. The book of Genesis, he said was +not to be taken as meaning a day when it said a day, but rather +something other than a mere day; and the word "light" meant not exactly +light but possibly some sort of phosphorescence, and that the use of +the word "darkness" was to be understood not as meaning darkness, but +to be taken as simply indicating obscurity. And when he had quite +finished, the congregation declared the whole sermon to be mere milk +and water. It insulted their intelligence, they said. After which, a +week later, the Rev. Dr. Dumfarthing took up the same subject, and with +the aid of seven plain texts pulverized the rector into fragments. +</P> + +<P> +One notable result of the controversy was that Juliana Furlong refused +henceforth to attend her brother's church and sat, even at morning +service, under the minister of St. Osoph's. +</P> + +<P> +"The sermon was, I fear, a mistake," said Mr. Furlong senior; "perhaps +you had better not dwell too much on such topics. We must look for aid +in another direction. In fact, Edward, I may mention to you in +confidence that certain of your trustees are already devising ways and +means that may help us out of our dilemma." +</P> + +<P> +Indeed, although the Reverend Edward did not know it, a certain idea, +or plan, was already germinating in the minds of the most influential +supporters of St. Asaph's. +</P> + +<P> +Such was the situation of the rival churches of St. Asaph and St. Osoph +as the autumn slowly faded into winter: during which time the elm trees +on Plutoria Avenue shivered and dropped their leaves and the chauffeurs +of the motors first turned blue in their faces and then, when the great +snows came, were suddenly converted into liveried coachmen with tall +bearskins and whiskers like Russian horseguards, changing back again to +blue-nosed chauffeurs the very moment of a thaw. During this time also +the congregation of the Reverend Fareforth Furlong was diminishing +month by month, and that of the Reverend Uttermust Dumfarthing was so +numerous that they filled up the aisles at the back of the church. Here +the worshippers stood and froze, for the minister had abandoned the use +of steam heat in St. Osoph's on the ground that he could find no +warrant for it. +</P> + +<P> +During the same period other momentous things were happening, such as +that Juliana Furlong was reading, under the immediate guidance of Dr. +Dumfarthing, the History of the Progress of Disruption in the Churches +of Scotland in ten volumes; such also as that Catherine Dumfarthing was +wearing a green and gold winter suit with Russian furs and a Balkan hat +and a Circassian feather, which cut a wide swath of destruction among +the young men on Plutoria Avenue every afternoon as she passed. +Moreover by the strangest of coincidences she scarcely ever seemed to +come along the snow-covered avenue without meeting the Reverend +Edward—a fact which elicited new exclamations of surprise from them +both every day: and by an equally strange coincidence they generally +seemed, although coming in different directions, to be bound for the +same place; towards which they wandered together with such slow steps +and in such oblivion of the passers-by that even the children on the +avenue knew by instinct whither they were wandering. +</P> + +<P> +It was noted also that the broken figure of Dr. McTeague had reappeared +upon the street, leaning heavily upon a stick and greeting those he met +with such a meek and willing affability, as if in apology for his +stroke of paralysis, that all who talked with him agreed that +McTeague's mind was a wreck. +</P> + +<P> +"He stood and spoke to me about the children for at least a quarter of +an hour," related one of his former parishioners, "asking after them by +name, and whether they were going to school yet and a lot of questions +like that. He never used to speak of such things. Poor old McTeague, +I'm afraid he is getting soft in the head." "I know," said the person +addressed. "His mind is no good. He stopped me the other day to say how +sorry he was to hear about my brother's illness. I could see from the +way he spoke that his brain is getting feeble. He's losing his grip. He +was speaking of how kind people had been to him after his accident and +there were tears in his eyes. I think he's getting batty." +</P> + +<P> +Nor were even these things the most momentous happenings of the period. +For as winter slowly changed to early spring it became known that +something of great portent was under way. It was rumoured that the +trustees of St. Asaph's Church were putting their heads together. This +was striking news. The last time that the head of Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, +for example, had been placed side by side with that of Mr. Newberry, +there had resulted a merger of four soda-water companies, bringing what +was called industrial peace over an area as big as Texas and raising +the price of soda by three peaceful cents per bottle. And the last time +that Mr. Furlong senior's head had been laid side by side with those of +Mr. Rasselyer-Brown and Mr. Skinyer, they had practically saved the +country from the horrors of a coal famine by the simple process of +raising the price of nut coal seventy-five cents a ton and thus +guaranteeing its abundance. +</P> + +<P> +Naturally, therefore, when it became known that such redoubtable heads +as those of the trustees and the underlying mortgagees of St. Asaph's +were being put together, it was fully expected that some important +development would follow. It was not accurately known from which of the +assembled heads first proceeded the great idea which was presently to +solve the difficulties of the church. It may well have come from that +of Mr. Lucullus Fyshe. Certainly a head which had brought peace out of +civil war in the hardware business by amalgamating ten rival stores and +had saved the very lives of five hundred employees by reducing their +wages fourteen per cent, was capable of it. +</P> + +<P> +At any rate it was Mr. Fyshe who first gave the idea a definite +utterance. +</P> + +<P> +"It's the only thing, Furlong," he said, across the lunch table at the +Mausoleum Club. "It's the one solution. The two churches can't live +under the present conditions of competition. We have here practically +the same situation as we had with two rum distilleries—the output is +too large for the demand. One or both of the two concerns must go +under. It's their turn just now, but these fellows are business men +enough to know that it may be ours tomorrow. We'll offer them a +business solution. We'll propose a merger." +</P> + +<P> +"I've been thinking of it," said Mr. Furlong senior, "I suppose it's +feasible?" +</P> + +<P> +"Feasible!" exclaimed Mr. Fyshe. "Why look what's being done every day +everywhere, from the Standard Oil Company downwards." +</P> + +<P> +"You would hardly, I think," said Mr. Furlong, with a quiet smile, +"compare the Standard Oil Company to a church?" "Well, no, I suppose +not," said Mr. Fyshe, and he too smiled—in fact he almost laughed. The +notion was too ridiculous. One could hardly compare a mere church to a +thing of the magnitude and importance of the Standard Oil Company. +</P> + +<P> +"But on a lesser scale," continued Mr. Fyshe, "it's the same sort of +thing. As for the difficulties of it, I needn't remind you of the much +greater difficulties we had to grapple with in the rum merger. There, +you remember, a number of the women held out as a matter of principle. +It was not mere business with them. Church union is different. In fact +it is one of the ideas of the day and everyone admits that what is +needed is the application of the ordinary business principles of +harmonious combination, with a proper—er—restriction of output and +general economy of operation." +</P> + +<P> +"Very good," said Mr. Furlong, "I'm sure if you're willing to try, the +rest of us are." +</P> + +<P> +"All right," said Mr. Fyshe. "I thought of setting Skinyer, of Skinyer +and Beatem, to work on the form of the organization. As you know he is +not only a deeply religious man but he has already handled the Tin Pot +Combination and the United Hardware and the Associated Tanneries. He +ought to find this quite simple." +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +Within a day or two Mr. Skinyer had already commenced his labours. "I +must first," he said, "get an accurate idea of the existing legal +organization of the two churches." +</P> + +<P> +For which purpose he approached the rector of St. Asaph's. "I just want +to ask you, Mr. Furlong," said the lawyer, "a question or two as to the +exact constitution, the form so to speak, of your church. What is it? +Is it a single corporate body?" +</P> + +<P> +"I suppose," said the rector thoughtfully, "one would define it as an +indivisible spiritual unit manifesting itself on earth." "Quite so," +interrupted Mr. Skinyer, "but I don't mean what it is in the religious +sense: I mean, in the real sense." "I fail to understand," said Mr. +Furlong. +</P> + +<P> +"Let me put it very clearly," said the lawyer. "Where does it get its +authority?" +</P> + +<P> +"From above." said the rector reverently. +</P> + +<P> +"Precisely," said Mr. Skinyer, "no doubt, but I mean its authority in +the exact sense of the term." +</P> + +<P> +"It was enjoined on St. Peter," began the rector, but Mr. Skinyer +interrupted him. +</P> + +<P> +"That I am aware of," he said, "but what I mean is—where does your +church get its power, for example, to hold property, to collect debts, +to use distraint against the property of others, to foreclose its +mortgages and to cause judgement to be executed against those who fail +to pay their debts to it? You will say at once that it has these powers +direct from Heaven. No doubt that is true and no religious person would +deny it. But we lawyers are compelled to take a narrower, a less +elevating point of view. Are these powers conferred on you by the state +legislature or by some higher authority?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, by a higher authority, I hope," said the rector very fervently. +Whereupon Mr. Skinyer left him without further questioning, the +rector's brain being evidently unfit for the subject of corporation law. +</P> + +<P> +On the other hand he got satisfaction from the Rev. Dr. Dumfarthing at +once. +</P> + +<P> +"The church of St. Osoph," said the minister, "is a perpetual trust, +holding property as such under a general law of the state and able as +such to be made the object of suit or distraint. I speak with some +assurance as I had occasion to enquire into the matter at the time when +I was looking for guidance in regard to the call I had received to come +here." +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +"It's a quite simple matter," Mr. Skinyer presently reported to Mr. +Fyshe. "One of the churches is a perpetual trust, the other practically +a state corporation. Each has full control over its property provided +nothing is done by either to infringe the purity of its doctrine." +</P> + +<P> +"Just what does that mean?" asked Mr. Fyshe. +</P> + +<P> +"It must maintain its doctrine absolutely pure. Otherwise if certain of +its trustees remain pure and the rest do not, those who stay pure are +entitled to take the whole of the property. This, I believe, happens +every day in Scotland where, of course, there is great eagerness to +remain pure in doctrine." +</P> + +<P> +"And what do you define as <I>pure</I> doctrine?" asked Mr. Fyshe. +</P> + +<P> +"If the trustees are in dispute," said Mr. Skinyer, "the courts decide, +but any doctrine is held to be a pure doctrine if <I>all</I> the trustees +regard it as a pure doctrine." +</P> + +<P> +"I see," said Mr. Fyshe thoughtfully, "it's the same thing as what we +called 'permissible policy' on the part of directors in the Tin Pot +Combination." +</P> + +<P> +"Exactly," assented Mr. Skinyer, "and it means that for the merger we +need nothing—I state it very frankly—except general consent." +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +The preliminary stages of the making of the merger followed along +familiar business lines. The trustees of St. Asaph's went through the +process known as 'approaching' the trustees of St. Osoph's. First of +all, for example, Mr. Lucullus Fyshe invited Mr. Asmodeus Boulder of +St. Osoph's to lunch with him at the Mausoleum Club; the cost of the +lunch, as is usual in such cases, was charged to the general expense +account of the church. Of course nothing whatever was said during the +lunch about the churches or their finances or anything concerning them. +Such discussion would have been a gross business impropriety. A few +days later the two brothers Overend dined with Mr. Furlong senior, the +dinner being charged directly to the contingencies account of St. +Asaph's. After which Mr. Skinyer and his partner, Mr. Beatem, went to +the spring races together on the Profit and Loss account of St. +Osoph's, and Philippa Overend and Catherine Dumfarthing were taken (by +the Unforeseen Disbursements Account) to the grand opera, followed by a +midnight supper. +</P> + +<P> +All of these things constituted what was called the promotion of the +merger and were almost exactly identical with the successive stages of +the making of the Amalgamated Distilleries and the Associated Tin Pot +Corporation; which was considered a most hopeful sign. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +"Do you think they'll go into it?" asked Mr. Newberry of Mr. Furlong +senior, anxiously. "After all, what inducement have they?" +</P> + +<P> +"Every inducement," said Mr. Furlong. "All said and done they've only +one large asset—Dr. Dumfarthing. We're really offering to buy up Dr. +Dumfarthing by pooling our assets with theirs." +</P> + +<P> +"And what does Dr. Dumfarthing himself say to it?" +</P> + +<P> +"Ah, there I am not so sure," said Mr. Furlong; "that may be a +difficulty. So far there hasn't been a word from him, and his trustees +are absolutely silent about his views. However, we shall soon know all +about it. Skinyer is asking us all to come together one evening next +week to draw up the articles of agreement." +</P> + +<P> +"Has he got the financial basis arranged then?" +</P> + +<P> +"I believe so," said Mr. Furlong. "His idea is to form a new +corporation to be known as the United Church Limited or by some similar +name. All the present mortgagees will be converted into unified +bondholders, the pew rents will be capitalized into preferred stock and +the common stock, drawing its dividend from the offertory, will be +distributed among all members in standing. Skinyer says that it is +really an ideal form of church union, one that he thinks is likely to +be widely adopted. It has the advantage of removing all questions of +religion, which he says are practically the only remaining obstacle to +a union of all the churches. In fact it puts the churches once and for +all on a business basis." +</P> + +<P> +"But what about the question of doctrine, of belief?" asked Mr. +Newberry. +</P> + +<P> +"Skinyer says he can settle it," answered Mr. Furlong. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +About a week after the above conversation the united trustees of St. +Asaph's and St. Osoph's were gathered about a huge egg-shaped table in +the board room of the Mausoleum Club. They were seated in intermingled +fashion after the precedent of the recent Tin Pot Amalgamation and were +smoking huge black cigars specially kept by the club for the promotion +of companies and chargeable to expenses of organization at fifty cents +a cigar. There was an air of deep peace brooding over the assembly, as +among men who have accomplished a difficult and meritorious task. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, then," said Mr. Skinyer, who was in the chair, with a pile of +documents in front of him, "I think that our general basis of financial +union may be viewed as settled." +</P> + +<P> +A murmur of assent went round the meeting. "The terms are set forth in +the memorandum before us, which you have already signed. Only one other +point—a minor one—remains to be considered. I refer to the doctrines +or the religious belief of the new amalgamation." +</P> + +<P> +"Is it necessary to go into that?" asked Mr. Boulder. +</P> + +<P> +"Not entirely, perhaps," said Mr. Skinyer. "Still there have been, as +you all know, certain points—I won't say of disagreement—but let us +say of friendly argument—between the members of the different +churches—such things for example," here he consulted his papers, "as +the theory of the creation, the salvation of the soul, and so forth, +have been mentioned in this connection. I have a memorandum of them +here, though the points escape me for the moment. These, you may say, +are not matters of first importance, especially as compared with the +intricate financial questions which we have already settled in a +satisfactory manner. Still I think it might be well if I were permitted +with your unanimous approval to jot down a memorandum or two to be +afterwards embodied in our articles." +</P> + +<P> +There was a general murmur of approval. "Very good," said Mr. Skinyer, +settling himself back in his chair. "Now, first, in regard to the +creation," here he looked all round the meeting in a way to command +attention—"Is it your wish that we should leave that merely to a +gentlemen's agreement or do you want an explicit clause?" +</P> + +<P> +"I think it might be well," said Mr. Dick Overend, "to leave no doubt +about the theory of the creation." +</P> + +<P> +"Good," said Mr. Skinyer. "I am going to put it down then something +after this fashion: 'On and after, let us say, August 1st proximo, the +process of the creation shall be held, and is hereby held, to be such +and such only as is acceptable to a majority of the holders of common +and preferred stock voting pro rata.' Is that agreed?" +</P> + +<P> +"Carried," cried several at once. +</P> + +<P> +"Carried," repeated Mr. Skinyer. "Now let us pass on"—here he +consulted his notes—"to item two, eternal punishment. I have made a +memorandum as follows, 'Should any doubts arise, on or after August +first proximo, as to the existence of eternal punishment they shall be +settled absolutely and finally by a pro-rata vote of all the holders of +common and preferred stock.' Is that agreed?" +</P> + +<P> +"One moment!" said Mr. Fyshe, "do you think that quite fair to the +bondholders? After all, as the virtual holders of the property, they +are the persons most interested. I should like to amend your clause and +make it read—I am not phrasing it exactly but merely giving the sense +of it—that eternal punishment should be reserved for the mortgagees +and bondholders." +</P> + +<P> +At this there was an outbreak of mingled approval and dissent, several +persons speaking at once. In the opinion of some the stockholders of +the company, especially the preferred stockholders, had as good a right +to eternal punishment as the bondholders. Presently Mr. Skinyer, who +had been busily writing notes, held up his hand for silence. +</P> + +<P> +"Gentlemen," he said, "will you accept this as a compromise? We will +keep the original clause but merely add to it the words, 'but no form +of eternal punishment shall be declared valid if displeasing to a +three-fifths majority of the holders of bonds.'" +</P> + +<P> +"Carried, carried," cried everybody. +</P> + +<P> +"To which I think we need only add," said Mr. Skinyer, "a clause to the +effect that all other points of doctrine, belief or religious principle +may be freely altered, amended, reversed or entirely abolished at any +general annual meeting!" +</P> + +<P> +There was a renewed chorus of "Carried, carried," and the trustees rose +from the table shaking hands with one another, and lighting fresh +cigars as they passed out of the club into the night air. +</P> + +<P> +"The only thing that I don't understand," said Mr. Newberry to Dr. +Boomer as they went out from the club arm in arm (for they might now +walk in that fashion with the same propriety as two of the principals +in a distillery merger), "the only thing that I don't understand is why +the Reverend Mr. Dumfarthing should be willing to consent to the +amalgamation." +</P> + +<P> +"Do you really not know?" said Dr. Boomer. +</P> + +<P> +"No." +</P> + +<P> +"You have heard nothing?" +</P> + +<P> +"Not a word," said Mr. Newberry. +</P> + +<P> +"Ah," rejoined the president, "I see that our men have kept it very +quiet—naturally so, in view of the circumstances. The truth is that +the Reverend Mr. Dumfarthing is leaving us." +</P> + +<P> +"Leaving St. Osoph's!" exclaimed Mr. Newberry in utter astonishment. +</P> + +<P> +"To our great regret. He has had a call—a most inviting field of work, +he says, a splendid opportunity. They offered him ten thousand one +hundred; we were only giving him ten thousand here, though of course +that feature of the situation would not weigh at all with a man like +Dumfarthing." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh no, of course not," said Mr. Newberry. +</P> + +<P> +"As soon as we heard of the call we offered him ten thousand three +hundred—not that that would make any difference to a man of his +character. Indeed Dumfarthing was still waiting and looking for +guidance when they offered him eleven thousand. We couldn't meet it. It +was beyond us, though we had the consolation of knowing that with such +a man as Dumfarthing the money made no difference." +</P> + +<P> +"And he has accepted the call?" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes. He accepted it today. He sent word to Mr. Dick Overend our +chairman, that he would remain in his manse, looking for light, until +two-thirty, after which, if we had not communicated with him by that +hour, he would cease to look for it." +</P> + +<P> +"Dear me," said Mr. Newberry, deep in reflection, "so that when your +trustees came to the meeting—" +</P> + +<P> +"Exactly," said Dr. Boomer—and something like a smile passed across +his features for a moment "Dr. Dumfarthing had already sent away his +telegram of acceptance." +</P> + +<P> +"Why, then," said Mr. Newberry, "at the time of our discussion tonight, +you were in the position of having no minister." +</P> + +<P> +"Not at all. We had already appointed a successor." +</P> + +<P> +"A successor?" +</P> + +<P> +"Certainly. It will be in tomorrow morning's papers. The fact is that +we decided to ask Dr. McTeague to resume his charge." +</P> + +<P> +"Dr. McTeague!" repeated Mr. Newberry in amazement. "But surely his +mind is understood to be—" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh not at all," interrupted Dr. Boomer. "His mind appears if anything, +to be clearer and stronger than ever. Dr. Slyder tells us that +paralysis of the brain very frequently has this effect; it soothes the +brain—clears it, as it were, so that very often intellectual problems +which occasioned the greatest perplexity before present no difficulty +whatever afterwards. Dr. McTeague, I believe, finds no trouble now in +reconciling St. Paul's dialectic with Hegel as he used to. He says that +so far as he can see they both mean the same thing." +</P> + +<P> +"Well, well," said Mr. Newberry, "and will Dr. McTeague also resume his +philosophical lectures at the university?" +</P> + +<P> +"We think it wiser not," said the president. "While we feel that Dr. +McTeague's mind is in admirable condition for clerical work we fear +that professorial duties might strain it. In order to get the full +value of his remarkable intelligence, we propose to elect him to the +governing body of the university. There his brain will be safe from any +shock. As a professor there would always be the fear that one of his +students might raise a question in his class. This of course is not a +difficulty that arises in the pulpit or among the governors of the +university." +</P> + +<P> +"Of course not," said Mr. Newberry. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +Thus was constituted the famous union or merger of the churches of St. +Asaph and St. Osoph, viewed by many of those who made it as the +beginning of a new era in the history of the modern church. +</P> + +<P> +There is no doubt that it has been in every way an eminent success. +</P> + +<P> +Rivalry, competition, and controversies over points of dogma have +become unknown on Plutoria Avenue. The parishioners of the two churches +may now attend either of them just as they like. As the trustees are +fond of explaining it doesn't make the slightest difference. The entire +receipts of the churches, being now pooled, are divided without +reference to individual attendance. At each half year there is issued a +printed statement which is addressed to the shareholders of the United +Churches Limited and is hardly to be distinguished in style or material +from the annual and semi-annual reports of the Tin Pot Amalgamation and +the United Hardware and other quasi-religious bodies of the sort. "Your +directors," the last of these documents states, "are happy to inform +you that in spite of the prevailing industrial depression the gross +receipts of the corporation have shown such an increase as to justify +the distribution of a stock dividend of special Offertory Stock +Cumulative, which will be offered at par to all holders of common or +preferred shares. You will also be gratified to learn that the +directors have voted unanimously in favour of a special presentation to +the Rev. Uttermust Dumfarthing on the occasion of his approaching +marriage. It was earnestly debated whether this gift should take the +form, as at first suggested, of a cash presentation, or as afterwards +suggested, of a written testimonial in the form of an address. The +latter course was finally adopted as being more fitting to the +circumstances and the address has accordingly been prepared, setting +forth to the Rev. Dr. Dumfarthing, in old English lettering and +wording, the opinion which is held of him by his former parishioners." +</P> + +<P> +The "approaching marriage" referred of course to Dr. Dumfarthing's +betrothal to Juliana Furlong. It was not known that he had ever exactly +proposed to her. But it was understood that before giving up his charge +he drew her attention, in very severe terms, to the fact that, as his +daughter was now leaving him, he must either have someone else to look +after his manse or else be compelled to incur the expense of a paid +housekeeper. This latter alternative, he said, was not one that he +cared to contemplate. He also reminded her that she was now at a time +of life when she could hardly expect to pick and choose and that her +spiritual condition was one of, at least, great uncertainty. These +combined statements are held, under the law of Scotland at any rate, to +be equivalent to an offer of marriage. +</P> + +<P> +Catherine Dumfarthing did not join her father in his new manse. She +first remained behind him, as the guest of Philippa Overend for a few +weeks while she was occupied in packing up her things. After that she +stayed for another two or three weeks to unpack them. This had been +rendered necessary by a conversation held with the Reverend Edward +Fareforth Furlong, in a shaded corner of the Overend's garden. After +which, in due course of time, Catherine and Edward were married, the +ceremony being performed by the Reverend Dr. McTeague whose eyes filled +with philosophical tears as he gave them his blessing. +</P> + +<P> +So the two churches of St. Asaph and St. Osoph stand side by side +united and at peace. Their bells call softly back and forward to one +another on Sunday mornings and such is the harmony between them that +even the episcopal rooks in the elm trees of St. Asaph's and the +presbyterian crows in the spruce trees of St. Osoph's are known to +exchange perches on alternate Sundays. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap08"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER EIGHT: The Great Fight for Clean Government +</H3> + +<P> +"As to the government of this city," said Mr. Newberry, leaning back in +a leather armchair at the Mausoleum Club and lighting a second cigar, +"it's rotten, that's all." +</P> + +<P> +"Absolutely rotten," assented Mr. Dick Overend, ringing the bell for a +second whiskey and soda. +</P> + +<P> +"Corrupt," said Mr. Newberry, between two puffs of his cigar. +</P> + +<P> +"Full of graft," said Mr. Overend, flicking his ashes into the grate. +</P> + +<P> +"Crooked aldermen," said Mr. Newberry. +</P> + +<P> +"A bum city solicitor," said Mr. Overend, "and an infernal grafter for +treasurer." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," assented Mr. Newberry, and then, leaning forwards in his chair +and looking carefully about the corridors of the club, he spoke behind +his hand and said, "And the mayor's the biggest grafter of the lot. And +what's more," he added, sinking his voice to a whisper, "the time has +come to speak out about it fearlessly." +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Overend nodded. "It's a tyranny," he said. +</P> + +<P> +"Worse than Russia," rejoined Mr. Newberry. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +They had been sitting in a quiet corner of the club—it was on a Sunday +evening—and had fallen into talking, first of all, of the present +rottenness of the federal politics of the United States—not +argumentatively or with any heat, but with the reflective sadness that +steals over an elderly man when he sits in the leather armchair of a +comfortable club smoking a good cigar and musing on the decadence of +the present day. The rottenness of the federal government didn't anger +them. It merely grieved them. +</P> + +<P> +They could remember—both of them—how different everything was when +they were young men just entering on life. When Mr. Newberry and Mr. +Dick Overend were young, men went into congress from pure patriotism; +there was no such thing as graft or crookedness, as they both admitted, +in those days; and as for the United States Senate—here their voices +were almost hushed in awe—why, when they were young, the United States +Senate— +</P> + +<P> +But no, neither of them could find a phrase big enough for their +meaning. +</P> + +<P> +They merely repeated "as for the United States Senate—" and then shook +their heads and took long drinks of whiskey and soda. +</P> + +<P> +Then, naturally, speaking of the rottenness of the federal government +had led them to talk of the rottenness of the state legislature. How +different from the state legislatures that they remembered as young +men! Not merely different in the matter of graft, but different, so Mr. +Newberry said, in the calibre of the men. He recalled how he had been +taken as a boy of twelve by his father to hear a debate. He would never +forget it. Giants! he said, that was what they were. In fact, the thing +was more like a Witenagemot than a legislature. He said he distinctly +recalled a man, whose name he didn't recollect, speaking on a question +he didn't just remember what, either for or against he just couldn't +recall which; it thrilled him. He would never forget it. It stayed in +his memory as if it were yesterday. +</P> + +<P> +But as for the present legislature—here Mr. Dick Overend sadly nodded +assent in advance to what he knew was coming—as for the present +legislature—well—Mr. Newberry had had, he said, occasion to visit the +state capital a week before in connection with a railway bill that he +was trying to—that is, that he was anxious to—in short in connection +with a railway bill, and when he looked about him at the men in the +legislature—positively he felt ashamed; he could put it no other way +than that—ashamed. +</P> + +<P> +After which, from speaking of the crookedness of the state government +Mr. Newberry and Mr. Dick Overend were led to talk of the crookedness +of the city government! And they both agreed, as above, that things +were worse than in Russia. What secretly irritated them both most was +that they had lived and done business under this infernal corruption +for thirty or forty years and hadn't noticed it. They had been too busy. +</P> + +<P> +The fact was that their conversation reflected not so much their own +original ideas as a general wave of feeling that was passing over the +whole community. +</P> + +<P> +There had come a moment—quite suddenly it seemed—when it occurred to +everybody at the same time that the whole government of the city was +rotten. The word is a strong one. But it is the one that was used. Look +at the aldermen, they said—rotten! Look at the city solicitor, rotten! +And as for the mayor himself—phew! +</P> + +<P> +The thing came like a wave. Everybody felt it at once. People wondered +how any sane, intelligent community could tolerate the presence of a +set of corrupt scoundrels like the twenty aldermen of the city. Their +names, it was said, were simply a byword throughout the United States +for rank criminal corruption. This was said so widely that everybody +started hunting through the daily papers to try to find out who in +blazes were aldermen, anyhow. Twenty names are hard to remember, and as +a matter of fact, at the moment when this wave of feeling struck the +city, nobody knew or cared who were aldermen, anyway. +</P> + +<P> +To tell the truth, the aldermen had been much the same persons for +about fifteen or twenty years. Some were in the produce business, +others were butchers, two were grocers, and all of them wore blue +checkered waistcoats and red ties and got up at seven in the morning to +attend the vegetable and other markets. Nobody had ever really thought +about them—that is to say, nobody on Plutoria Avenue. Sometimes one +saw a picture in the paper and wondered for a moment who the person +was; but on looking more closely and noticing what was written under +it, one said, "Oh, I see, an alderman," and turned to something else. +</P> + +<P> +"Whose funeral is that?" a man would sometimes ask on Plutoria Avenue. +"Oh just one of the city aldermen," a passerby would answer hurriedly. +"Oh I see, I beg your pardon, I thought it might be somebody important." +</P> + +<P> +At which both laughed. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +It was not just clear how and where this movement of indignation had +started. People said that it was part of a new wave of public morality +that was sweeping over the entire United States. Certainly it was being +remarked in almost every section of the country. Chicago newspapers +were attributing its origin to the new vigour and the fresh ideals of +the middle west. In Boston it was said to be due to a revival of the +grand old New England spirit. In Philadelphia they called it the spirit +of William Penn. In the south it was said to be the reassertion of +southern chivalry making itself felt against the greed and selfishness +of the north, while in the north they recognized it at once as a +protest against the sluggishness and ignorance of the south. In the +west they spoke of it as a revolt against the spirit of the east and in +the east they called it a reaction against the lawlessness of the west. +But everywhere they hailed it as a new sign of the glorious unity of +the country. +</P> + +<P> +If therefore Mr. Newberry and Mr. Overend were found to be discussing +the corrupt state of their city they only shared in the national +sentiments of the moment. In fact in the same city hundreds of other +citizens, as disinterested as themselves, were waking up to the +realization of what was going on. As soon as people began to look into +the condition of things in the city they were horrified at what they +found. It was discovered, for example, that Alderman Schwefeldampf was +an undertaker! Think of it! In a city with a hundred and fifty deaths a +week, and sometimes even better, an undertaker sat on the council! A +city that was about to expropriate land and to spend four hundred +thousand dollars for a new cemetery, had an undertaker on the +expropriation committee itself! And worse than that! Alderman Undercutt +was a butcher! In a city that consumed a thousand tons of meat every +week! And Alderman O'Hooligan—it leaked out—was an Irishman! Imagine +it! An Irishman sitting on the police committee of the council in a +city where thirty-eight and a half out of every hundred policemen were +Irish, either by birth or parentage! The thing was monstrous. +</P> + +<P> +So when Mr. Newberry said "It's worse than Russia!" he meant it, every +word. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +Now just as Mr. Newberry and Mr. Dick Overend were finishing their +discussion, the huge bulky form of Mayor McGrath came ponderously past +them as they sat. He looked at them sideways out of his eyes—he had +eyes like plums in a mottled face—and, being a born politician, he +knew by the very look of them that they were talking of something that +they had no business to be talking about. But,—being a politician—he +merely said, "Good evening, gentlemen," without a sign of disturbance. +</P> + +<P> +"Good evening, Mr. Mayor," said Mr. Newberry, rubbing his hands feebly +together and speaking in an ingratiating tone. There is no more +pitiable spectacle than an honest man caught in the act of speaking +boldly and fearlessly of the evil-doer. +</P> + +<P> +"Good evening, Mr. Mayor," echoed Mr. Dick Overend, also rubbing his +hands; "warm evening, is it not?" +</P> + +<P> +The mayor gave no other answer than that deep guttural grunt which is +technically known in municipal interviews as refusing to commit oneself. +</P> + +<P> +"Did he hear?" whispered Mr. Newberry as the mayor passed out of the +club. +</P> + +<P> +"I don't care if he did," whispered Mr. Dick Overend. +</P> + +<P> +Half an hour later Mayor McGrath entered the premises of the Thomas +Jefferson Club, which was situated in the rear end of a saloon and pool +room far down in the town. +</P> + +<P> +"Boys," he said to Alderman O'Hooligan and Alderman Gorfinkel, who were +playing freeze-out poker in a corner behind the pool tables, "you want +to let the boys know to keep pretty dark and go easy. There's a lot of +talk I don't like about the elections going round the town. Let the +boys know that just for a while the darker they keep the better." +</P> + +<P> +Whereupon the word was passed from the Thomas Jefferson Club to the +George Washington Club and thence to the Eureka Club (coloured), and to +the Kossuth Club (Hungarian), and to various other centres of civic +patriotism in the lower parts of the city. And forthwith such a +darkness began to spread over them that not even honest Diogenes with +his lantern could have penetrated their doings. +</P> + +<P> +"If them stiffs wants to make trouble," said the president of the +George Washington Club to Mayor McGrath a day or two later, "they won't +never know what they've bumped up against." +</P> + +<P> +"Well," said the heavy mayor, speaking slowly and cautiously and eyeing +his henchman with quiet scrutiny, "you want to go pretty easy now, I +tell you." +</P> + +<P> +The look which the mayor directed at his satellite was much the same +glance that Morgan the buccaneer might have given to one of his +lieutenants before throwing him overboard. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +Meantime the wave of civic enthusiasm as reflected in the conversations +of Plutoria Avenue grew stronger with every day. +</P> + +<P> +"The thing is a scandal," said Mr. Lucullus Fyshe. "Why, these fellows +down at the city hall are simply a pack of rogues. I had occasion to do +some business there the other day (it was connected with the assessment +of our soda factories) and do you know, I actually found that these +fellows take money!" +</P> + +<P> +"I say!" said Mr. Peter Spillikins, to whom he spoke, "I say! You don't +say!" +</P> + +<P> +"It's a fact," repeated Mr. Fyshe. "They take money. I took the +assistant treasurer aside and I said, 'I want such and such done,' and +I slipped a fifty dollar bill into his hand. And the fellow took it, +took it like a shot." +</P> + +<P> +"He took it!" gasped Mr. Spillikins. +</P> + +<P> +"He did," said Mr. Fyshe. "There ought to be a criminal law for that +sort of thing." +</P> + +<P> +"I say!" exclaimed Mr. Spillikins, "they ought to go to jail for a +thing like that." +</P> + +<P> +"And the infernal insolence of them," Mr. Fyshe continued. "I went down +the next day to see the deputy assistant (about a thing connected with +the same matter), told him what I wanted and passed a fifty dollar bill +across the counter and the fellow fairly threw it back at me, in a +perfect rage. He refused it!" +</P> + +<P> +"Refused it," gasped Mr. Spillikins, "I say!" +</P> + +<P> +Conversations such as this filled up the leisure and divided the +business time of all the best people in the city. +</P> + +<P> +In the general gloomy outlook, however, one bright spot was observable. +The "wave" had evidently come just at the opportune moment. For not +only were civic elections pending but just at this juncture four or +five questions of supreme importance would be settled by the incoming +council. There was, for instance, the question of the expropriation of +the Traction Company (a matter involving many millions); there was the +decision as to the renewal of the franchise of the Citizens' Light +Company—a vital question; there was also the four hundred thousand +dollar purchase of land for the new addition to the cemetery, a matter +that must be settled. And it was felt, especially on Plutoria Avenue, +to be a splendid thing that the city was waking up, in the moral sense, +at the very time when these things were under discussion. All the +shareholders of the Traction Company and the Citizens' Light—and they +included the very best, the most high-minded, people in the city—felt +that what was needed now was a great moral effort, to enable them to +lift the city up and carry it with them, or, if not all of it, at any +rate as much of it as they could. +</P> + +<P> +"It's a splendid movement!" said Mr. Fyshe (he was a leading +shareholder and director of the Citizens' Light), "what a splendid +thing to think that we shan't have to deal for our new franchise with a +set of corrupt rapscallions like these present aldermen. Do you know, +Furlong, that when we approached them first with a proposition for a +renewal for a hundred and fifty years they held us up! Said it was too +long! Imagine that! A hundred and fifty years (only a century and a +half) too long for the franchise! They expect us to install all our +poles, string our wires, set up our transformers in their streets and +then perhaps at the end of a hundred years find ourselves compelled to +sell out at a beggarly valuation. Of course we knew what they wanted. +They meant us to hand them over fifty dollars each to stuff into their +rascally pockets." +</P> + +<P> +"Outrageous!" said Mr. Furlong. +</P> + +<P> +"And the same thing with the cemetery land deal," went on Mr. Lucullus +Fyshe. "Do you realize that, if the movement hadn't come along and +checked them, those scoundrels would have given that rogue +Schwefeldampf four hundred thousand dollars for his fifty acres! Just +think of it!" +</P> + +<P> +"I don't know," said Mr. Furlong with a thoughtful look upon his face, +"that four hundred thousand dollars is an excessive price, in and of +itself, for that amount of land." +</P> + +<P> +"Certainly not," said Mr. Fyshe, very quietly and decidedly, looking at +Mr. Furlong in a searching way as he spoke. "It is <I>not</I> a high price. +It seems to me, speaking purely as an outsider, a very fair, reasonable +price for fifty acres of suburban land, if it were the right land. If, +for example, it were a case of making an offer for that very fine +stretch of land, about twenty acres, is it not, which I believe your +Corporation owns on the <I>other</I> side of the cemetery, I should say four +hundred thousand is a most modest price." +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Furlong nodded his head reflectively. +</P> + +<P> +"You had thought, had you not, of offering it to the city?" said Mr. +Fyshe. +</P> + +<P> +"We did," said Mr. Furlong, "at a more or less nominal sum—four +hundred thousand or whatever it might be. We felt that for such a +purpose, almost sacred as it were, one would want as little bargaining +as possible." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, none at all," assented Mr. Fyshe. +</P> + +<P> +"Our feeling was," went on Mr. Furlong, "that if the city wanted our +land for the cemetery extension, it might have it at its own +figure—four hundred thousand, half a million, in fact at absolutely +any price, from four hundred thousand up, that they cared to put on it. +We didn't regard it as a commercial transaction at all. Our reward lay +merely in the fact of selling it to them." +</P> + +<P> +"Exactly," said Mr. Fyshe, "and of course your land was more desirable +from every point of view. Schwefeldampf's ground is encumbered with a +growth of cypress and evergreens and weeping willows which make it +quite unsuitable for an up-to-date cemetery; whereas yours, as I +remember it, is bright and open—a loose sandy soil with no trees and +very little grass to overcome." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," said Mr. Furlong. "We thought, too, that our ground, having the +tanneries and the chemical factory along the farther side of it, was an +ideal place for—" he paused, seeking a mode of expressing his thought. +</P> + +<P> +"For the dead," said Mr. Fyshe, with becoming reverence. And after this +conversation Mr. Fyshe and Mr. Furlong senior understood one another +absolutely in regard to the new movement. +</P> + +<P> +It was astonishing in fact how rapidly the light spread. +</P> + +<P> +"Is Rasselyer-Brown with us?" asked someone of Mr. Fyshe a few days +later. +</P> + +<P> +"Heart and soul," answered Mr. Fyshe. "He's very bitter over the way +these rascals have been plundering the city on its coal supply. He says +that the city has been buying coal wholesale at the pit mouth at three +fifty—utterly worthless stuff, he tells me. He has heard it said that +everyone of these scoundrels has been paid from twenty-five to fifty +dollars a winter to connive at it." +</P> + +<P> +"Dear me," said the listener. +</P> + +<P> +"Abominable, is it not?" said Mr. Fyshe. "But as I said to +Rasselyer-Brown, what can one do if the citizens themselves take no +interest in these things. 'Take your own case,' I said to him, 'how is +it that you, a coal man, are not helping the city in this matter? Why +don't you supply the city?' He shook his head, 'I wouldn't do it at +three-fifty,' he said. 'No,' I answered, 'but will you at five?' He +looked at me for a moment and then he said, 'Fyshe, I'll do it; at +five, or at anything over that they like to name. If we get a new +council in they may name their own figure.' 'Good,' I said. 'I hope all +the other businessmen will be animated with the same spirit.'" +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +Thus it was that the light broke and spread and illuminated in all +directions. People began to realize the needs of the city as they never +had before. Mr. Boulder, who owned, among other things, a stone quarry +and an asphalt company, felt that the paving of the streets was a +disgrace. Mr. Skinyer, of Skinyer and Beatem, shook his head and said +that the whole legal department of the city needed reorganization; it +needed, he said, new blood. But he added always in a despairing tone, +how could one expect to run a department with the head of it drawing +only six thousand dollars; the thing was impossible. If, he argued, +they could superannuate the present chief solicitor and get a man, a +<I>good</I> man (Mr. Skinyer laid emphasis on this) at, say, fifteen +thousand there might be some hope. +</P> + +<P> +"Of course," said Mr. Skinyer to Mr. Newberry in discussing the topic, +"one would need to give him a proper staff of assistants so as to take +off his hands all the <I>routine</I> work—the mere appearance in court, the +preparation of briefs, the office consultation, the tax revision and +the purely legal work. In that case he would have his hands free to +devote himself entirely to those things, which—in fact to turn his +attention in whatever direction he might feel it was advisable to turn +it." +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +Within a week or two the public movement had found definite expression +and embodied itself in the Clean Government Association. This was +organized by a group of leading and disinterested citizens who held +their first meeting in the largest upstairs room of the Mausoleum Club. +Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, Mr. Boulder, and others keenly interested in +obtaining simply justice for the stockholders of the Traction and the +Citizens' Light were prominent from the start. Mr. Rasselyer-Brown, Mr. +Furlong senior and others were there, not from special interest in the +light or traction questions, but, as they said themselves, from pure +civic spirit. Dr. Boomer was there to represent the university with +three of his most presentable professors, cultivated men who were able +to sit in a first-class club and drink whiskey and soda and talk as +well as any businessman present. Mr. Skinyer, Mr. Beatem and others +represented the bar. Dr. McTeague, blinking in the blue tobacco smoke, +was there to stand for the church. There were all-round enthusiasts as +well, such as Mr. Newberry and the Overend brothers and Mr. Peter +Spillikins. +</P> + +<P> +"Isn't it fine," whispered Mr. Spillikins to Mr. Newberry, "to see a +set of men like these all going into a thing like this, not thinking of +their own interests a bit?" +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +Mr. Fyshe, as chairman, addressed the meeting. He told them they were +there to initiate a great free voluntary movement of the people. It had +been thought wise, he said, to hold it with closed doors and to keep it +out of the newspapers. This would guarantee the league against the old +underhand control by a clique that had hitherto disgraced every part of +the administration of the city. He wanted, he said, to see everything +done henceforth in broad daylight: and for this purpose he had summoned +them there at night to discuss ways and means of action. After they +were once fully assured of exactly what they wanted to do and how they +meant to do it, the league he said, would invite the fullest and freest +advice from all classes in the city. There were none he said, amid +great applause, that were so lowly that they would not be invited—once +the platform of the league was settled—to advise and co-operate. All +might help, even the poorest. Subscription lists would be prepared +which would allow any sum at all, from one to five dollars, to be given +to the treasurer. The league was to be democratic or nothing. The +poorest might contribute as little as one dollar: even the richest +would not be allowed to give more than five. Moreover he gave notice +that he intended to propose that no actual official of the league +should be allowed under its by-laws to give anything. He himself—if +they did him the honour to make him president as he had heard it hinted +was their intention—would be the first to bow to this rule. He would +efface himself. He would obliterate himself, content in the interests +of all, to give nothing. He was able to announce similar pledges from +his friends, Mr. Boulder, Mr. Furlong, Dr. Boomer, and a number of +others. +</P> + +<P> +Quite a storm of applause greeted these remarks by Mr. Fyshe, who +flushed with pride as he heard it. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, gentlemen," he went on, "this meeting is open for discussion. +Remember it is quite informal, anyone may speak. I as chairman make no +claim to control or monopolize the discussion. Let everyone +understand—" +</P> + +<P> +"Well then, Mr. Chairman," began Mr. Dick Overend. +</P> + +<P> +"One minute, Mr. Overend," said Mr. Fyshe. "I want everyone to +understand that he may speak as—" +</P> + +<P> +"May I say then—" began Mr. Newberry. +</P> + +<P> +"Pardon me, Mr. Newberry," said Mr. Fyshe, "I was wishing first to +explain that not only may <I>all</I> participate but that we <I>invite</I>—" +</P> + +<P> +"In that case—" began Mr. Newberry. +</P> + +<P> +"Before you speak," interrupted Mr. Fyshe, "let me add one word. We +must make our discussion as brief and to the point as possible. I have +a great number of things which I wish to say to the meeting and it +might be well if all of you would speak as briefly and as little as +possible. Has anybody anything to say?" +</P> + +<P> +"Well," said Mr. Newberry, "what about organization and officers?" +</P> + +<P> +"We have thought of it," said Mr. Fyshe. "We were anxious above all +things to avoid the objectionable and corrupt methods of a 'slate' and +a prepared list of officers which has disgraced every part of our city +politics until the present time. Mr. Boulder, Mr. Furlong and Mr. +Skinyer and myself have therefore prepared a short list of offices and +officers which we wish to submit to your fullest, freest consideration. +It runs thus: Hon. President Mr. L. Fyshe, Hon. Vice-president, Mr. A. +Boulder, Hon. Secretary Mr. Furlong, Hon. Treasurer Mr. O. Skinyer, et +cetera—I needn't read it all. You'll see it posted in the hall later. +Is that carried? Carried! Very good," said Mr. Fyshe. +</P> + +<P> +There was a moment's pause while Mr. Furlong and Mr. Skinyer moved into +seats beside Mr. Fyshe and while Mr. Furlong drew from his pocket and +arranged the bundle of minutes of the meeting which he had brought with +him. As he himself said he was too neat and methodical a writer to +trust to jotting them down on the spot. +</P> + +<P> +"Don't you think," said Mr. Newberry, "I speak as a practical man, that +we ought to do something to get the newspapers with us?" +</P> + +<P> +"Most important," assented several members. +</P> + +<P> +"What do you think, Dr. Boomer?" asked Mr. Fyshe of the university +president, "will the newspapers be with us?" +</P> + +<P> +Dr. Boomer shook his head doubtfully. "It's an important matter," he +said. "There is no doubt that we need, more than anything, the support +of a clean, wholesome unbiassed press that can't be bribed and is not +subject to money influence. I think on the whole our best plan would be +to buy up one of the city newspapers." +</P> + +<P> +"Might it not be better simply to buy up the editorial staff?" said Mr. +Dick Overend. +</P> + +<P> +"We might do that," admitted Dr. Boomer. "There is no doubt that the +corruption of the press is one of the worst factors that we have to +oppose. But whether we can best fight it by buying the paper itself or +buying the staff is hard to say." +</P> + +<P> +"Suppose we leave it to a committee with full power to act," said Mr. +Fyshe. "Let us direct them to take whatever steps may in their opinion +be best calculated to elevate the tone of the press, the treasurer +being authorized to second them in every way. I for one am heartily +sick of old underhand connection between city politics and the city +papers. If we can do anything to alter and elevate it, it will be a +fine work, gentlemen, well worth whatever it costs us." +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +Thus after an hour or two of such discussion the Clean Government +League found itself organized and equipped with a treasury and a +programme and a platform. The latter was very simple. As Mr. Fyshe and +Mr. Boulder said there was no need to drag in specific questions or try +to define the action to be taken towards this or that particular +detail, such as the hundred-and-fifty-year franchise, beforehand. The +platform was simply expressed as Honesty, Purity, Integrity. This, as +Mr. Fyshe said, made a straight, flat, clean issue between the league +and all who opposed it. +</P> + +<P> +This first meeting was, of course, confidential. But all that it did +was presently done over again, with wonderful freshness and spontaneity +at a large public meeting open to all citizens. There was a splendid +impromptu air about everything. For instance when somebody away back in +the hall said, "I move that Mr. Lucullus Fyshe be president of the +league," Mr. Fyshe lifted his hand in unavailing protest as if this +were the newest idea he had ever heard in his life. +</P> + +<P> +After all of which the Clean Government League set itself to fight the +cohorts of darkness. It was not just known where these were. But it was +understood that they were there all right, somewhere. In the platform +speeches of the epoch they figured as working underground, working in +the dark, working behind the scenes, and so forth. But the strange +thing was that nobody could state with any exactitude just who or what +it was that the league was fighting. It stood for "honesty, purity, and +integrity." That was all you could say about it. +</P> + +<P> +Take, for example, the case of the press. At the inception of the +league it has been supposed that such was the venality and corruption +of the city newspapers that it would be necessary to buy one of them. +But the word "clean government" had been no sooner uttered than it +turned out that every one of the papers in the city was in favour of +it: in fact had been working for it for years. +</P> + +<P> +They vied with one another now in giving publicity to the idea. The +<I>Plutorian Times</I> printed a dotted coupon on the corner of its front +sheet with the words, "Are you in favour of Clean Government? If so, +send us ten cents with this coupon and your name and address." The +<I>Plutorian Citizen and Home Advocate</I>, went even further. It printed a +coupon which said, "Are you out for a clean city? If so send us +twenty-five cents to this office. We pledge ourselves to use it." +</P> + +<P> +The newspapers did more than this. They printed from day to day such +pictures as the portrait of Mr. Fyshe with the legend below, "Mr. +Lucullus Fyshe, who says that government ought to be by the people, +from the people, for the people and to the people"; and the next day +another labelled. "Mr. P. Spillikins, who says that all men are born +free and equal"; and the next day a picture with the words, "Tract of +ground offered for cemetery by Mr. Furlong, showing rear of tanneries, +with head of Mr. Furlong inserted." +</P> + +<P> +It was, of course, plain enough that certain of the aldermen of the old +council were to be reckoned as part of the cohort of darkness. That at +least was clear. "We want no more men in control of the stamp of +Alderman Gorfinkel and Alderman Schwefeldampf," so said practically +every paper in the city. "The public sense revolts at these men. They +are vultures who have feasted too long on the prostrate corpses of our +citizens." And so on. The only trouble was to discover who or what had +ever supported Alderman Gorfinkel and Alderman Schwefeldampf. The very +organizations that might have seemed to be behind them were evidently +more eager for clean government than the league itself. +</P> + +<P> +"The Thomas Jefferson Club Out for Clean Government," so ran the +newspaper headings of one day; and of the next, "Will help to clean up +City Government. Eureka Club (Coloured) endorses the League; Is done +with Darkness"; and the day after that, "Sons of Hungary Share in Good +Work: Kossuth Club will vote with the League." +</P> + +<P> +So strong, indeed, was the feeling against the iniquitous aldermen that +the public demand arose to be done with a council of aldermen +altogether and to substitute government by a Board. The newspapers +contained editorials on the topic each day and it was understood that +one of the first efforts of the league would be directed towards +getting the necessary sanction of the legislature in this direction. To +help to enlighten the public on what such government meant Professor +Proaser of the university (he was one of the three already referred to) +gave a public lecture on the growth of Council Government. He traced it +from the Amphictionic Council of Greece as far down as the Oligarchical +Council of Venice; it was thought that had the evening been longer he +would have traced it clean down to modern times. +</P> + +<P> +But most amazing of all was the announcement that was presently made, +and endorsed by Mr. Lucullus Fyshe in an interview, that Mayor McGrath +himself would favour clean government, and would become the official +nominee of the league itself. This certainly was strange. But it would +perhaps have been less mystifying to the public at large, had they been +able to listen to certain of the intimate conversations of Mr. Fyshe +and Mr. Boulder. +</P> + +<P> +"You say then," said Mr. Boulder, "to let McGrath's name stand." +</P> + +<P> +"We can't do without him," said Mr. Fyshe, "he has seven of the wards +in the hollow of his hand. If we take his offer he absolutely pledges +us every one of them." +</P> + +<P> +"Can you rely on his word?" said Mr. Boulder. +</P> + +<P> +"I think he means to play fair with us," answered Mr. Fyshe. "I put it +to him as a matter of honour, between man and man, a week ago. Since +then, I have had him carefully dictaphoned and I'm convinced he's +playing straight." +</P> + +<P> +"How far will he go with us?" said Mr. Boulder. +</P> + +<P> +"He is willing to throw overboard Gorfinkel, Schwefeldampf and +Undercutt. He says he must find a place for O'Hooligan. The Irish, he +says, don't care for clean government; they want Irish Government." +</P> + +<P> +"I see," said Mr. Boulder very thoughtfully, "and in regard to the +renewal of the franchise and the expropriation, tell me just exactly +what his conditions are." +</P> + +<P> +But Mr. Fyshe's answer to this was said so discreetly and in such a low +voice, that not even the birds listening in the elm trees outside the +Mausoleum Club could hear it. +</P> + +<P> +No wonder, then, that if even the birds failed to know everything about +the Clean Government League, there were many things which such good +people as Mr. Newberry and Mr. Peter Spillikins never heard at all and +never guessed. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +Each week and every day brought fresh triumphs to the onward march of +the movement. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, gentlemen," said Mr. Fyshe to the assembled committee of the +Clean Government League a few days later, "I am glad to be able to +report our first victory. Mr. Boulder and I have visited the state +capital and we are able to tell you definitely that the legislature +will consent to change our form of government so as to replace our +council by a Board." +</P> + +<P> +"Hear, hear!" cried all the committee men together. +</P> + +<P> +"We saw the governor," said Mr. Fyshe. "Indeed he was good enough to +lunch with us at the Pocahontas Club. He tells us that what we are +doing is being done in every city and town of the state. He says that +the days of the old-fashioned city council are numbered. They are +setting up boards everywhere." +</P> + +<P> +"Excellent!" said Mr. Newberry. +</P> + +<P> +"The governor assures us that what we want will be done. The chairman +of the Democratic State Committee (he was good enough to dine with us +at the Buchanan Club) has given us the same assurance. So also does the +chairman of the Republican State Committee, who was kind enough to be +our guest in a box at the Lincoln Theatre. It is most gratifying," +concluded Mr. Fyshe, "to feel that the legislature will give us such a +hearty, such a thoroughly American support." +</P> + +<P> +"You are sure of this, are you?" questioned Mr. Newberry. "You have +actually seen the members of the legislature?" +</P> + +<P> +"It was not necessary," said Mr. Fyshe. "The governor and the different +chairmen have them so well fixed—that is to say, they have such +confidence in the governor and their political organizers that they +will all be prepared to give us what I have described as thoroughly +American support." +</P> + +<P> +"You are quite sure," persisted Mr. Newberry, "about the governor and +the others you mentioned?" +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Fyshe paused a moment and then he said very quietly, "We are quite +sure," and he exchanged a look with Mr. Boulder that meant volumes to +those who would read it. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +"I hope you didn't mind my questioning you in that fashion," said Mr. +Newberry, as he and Mr. Fyshe strolled home from the club. "The truth +is I didn't feel sure in my own mind just what was meant by a 'Board,' +and 'getting them to give us government by a Board.' I know I'm +speaking like an ignoramus. I've really not paid as much attention in +the past to civic politics as I ought to have. But what is the +difference between a council and a board?" +</P> + +<P> +"The difference between a council and a board?" repeated Mr. Fyshe. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," said Mr. Newberry, "the difference between a council and a +board." +</P> + +<P> +"Or call it," said Mr. Fyshe reflectively, "the difference between a +board and a council." +</P> + +<P> +"Precisely," said Mr Newberry. +</P> + +<P> +"It's not altogether easy to explain," said Mr. Fyshe. "One chief +difference is that in the case of a board, sometimes called a +Commission, the salary is higher. You see the salary of an alderman or +councillor in most cities is generally not more than fifteen hundred or +two thousand dollars. The salary of a member of a board or commission +is at least ten thousand. That gives you at once a very different class +of men. As long as you only pay fifteen hundred you get your council +filled up with men who will do any kind of crooked work for fifteen +hundred dollars; as soon as you pay ten thousand you get men with +larger ideas." +</P> + +<P> +"I see," said Mr. Newberry. +</P> + +<P> +"If you have a fifteen hundred dollar man," Mr. Fyshe went on, "you can +bribe him at any time with a fifty-dollar bill. On the other hand your +ten-thousand-dollar man has a wider outlook. If you offer him fifty +dollars for his vote on the board, he'd probably laugh at you." +</P> + +<P> +"Ah, yes," said Mr. Newberry, "I see the idea. A fifteen-hundred-dollar +salary is so low that it will tempt a lot of men into office merely for +what they can get out of it." +</P> + +<P> +"That's it exactly," answered Mr. Fyshe. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +From all sides support came to the new league. The women of the +city—there were fifty thousand of them on the municipal voters +list—were not behind the men. Though not officials of the league they +rallied to its cause. +</P> + +<P> +"Mr. Fyshe," said Mrs. Buncomhearst, who called at the office of the +president of the league with offers of support, "tell me what we can +do. I represent fifty thousand women voters of this city—" +</P> + +<P> +(This was a favourite phrase of Mrs. Buncomhearst's, though it had +never been made quite clear how or why she represented them.) +</P> + +<P> +"We want to help, we women. You know we've any amount of initiative, if +you'll only tell us what to do. You know, Mr. Fyshe, we've just as good +executive ability as you men, if you'll just tell us what to do. +Couldn't we hold a meeting of our own, all our own, to help the league +along?" +</P> + +<P> +"An excellent idea," said Mr. Fyshe. +</P> + +<P> +"And could you not get three or four men to come and address it so as +to stir us up?" asked Mrs. Buncomhearst anxiously. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, certainly," said Mr. Fyshe. +</P> + +<P> +So it was known after this that the women were working side by side +with the men. The tea rooms of the Grand Palaver and the other hotels +were filled with them every day, busy for the cause. One of them even +invented a perfectly charming election scarf to be worn as a sort of +badge to show one's allegiance; and its great merit was that it was so +fashioned that it would go with anything. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," said Mr. Fyshe to his committee, "one of the finest signs of our +movement is that the women of the city are with us. Whatever we may +think, gentlemen, of the question of woman's rights in general—and I +think we know what we <I>do</I> think—there is no doubt that the influence +of women makes for purity in civic politics. I am glad to inform the +committee that Mrs. Buncomhearst and her friends have organized all the +working women of the city who have votes. They tell me that they have +been able to do this at a cost as low as five dollars per woman. Some +of the women—foreigners of the lower classes whose sense of political +morality is as yet imperfectly developed—have been organized at a cost +as low as one dollar per vote. But of course with our native American +women, with a higher standard of education and morality, we can hardly +expect to do it as low as that." +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +Nor were the women the only element of support added to the league. +</P> + +<P> +"Gentlemen," reported Dr. Boomer, the president of the university, at +the next committee meeting, "I am glad to say that the spirit which +animates us has spread to the students of the university. They have +organized, entirely by themselves and on their own account, a Students' +Fair Play League which has commenced its activities. I understand that +they have already ducked Alderman Gorfinkel in a pond near the +university. I believe they are looking for Alderman Schwefeldampf +tonight. I understand they propose to throw him into the reservoir. The +leaders of them—a splendid set of young fellows—have given me a +pledge that they will do nothing to bring discredit on the university." +</P> + +<P> +"I think I heard them on the street last night," said Mr. Newberry. +</P> + +<P> +"I believe they had a procession," said the president. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, I heard them; they were shouting 'Rah! rah! rah! Clean +Government! Clean Government! Rah! rah!' It was really inspiring to +hear them." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," said the president, "they are banded together to put down all +the hoodlumism and disturbance on the street that has hitherto +disgraced our municipal elections. Last night, as a demonstration, they +upset two streetcars and a milk wagon." +</P> + +<P> +"I heard that two of them were arrested," said Mr. Dick Overend. +</P> + +<P> +"Only by an error," said the president. "There was a mistake. It was +not known that they were students. The two who were arrested were +smashing the windows of the car, after it was upset, with their hockey +sticks. A squad of police mistook them for rioters. As soon as they +were taken to the police station, the mistake was cleared up at once. +The chief-of-police telephoned an apology to the university. I believe +the league is out again tonight looking for Alderman Schwefeldampf. But +the leaders assure me there will be no breach of the peace whatever. As +I say, I think their idea is to throw him into the reservoir." +</P> + +<P> +In the face of such efforts as these, opposition itself melted rapidly +away. The <I>Plutorian Times</I> was soon able to announce that various +undesirable candidates were abandoning the field. "Alderman Gorfinkel," +it said, "who, it will be recalled, was thrown into a pond last week by +the students of the college, was still confined to his bed when +interviewed by our representative. Mr. Gorfinkel stated that he should +not offer himself as a candidate in the approaching election. He was, +he said, weary of civic honours. He had had enough. He felt it +incumbent on him to step out and make way for others who deserved their +turn as well as himself: in future he proposed to confine his whole +attention to his Misfit Semi-Ready Establishment which he was happy to +state was offering as nobby a line of early fall suiting as was ever +seen at the price." +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +There is no need to recount here in detail the glorious triumph of the +election day itself. It will always be remembered as the purest, +cleanest election ever held in the precincts of the city. The citizens' +organization turned out in overwhelming force to guarantee that it +should be so. Bands of Dr. Boomer's students, armed with baseball bats, +surrounded the polls to guarantee fair play. Any man wishing to cast an +unclean vote was driven from the booth: all those attempting to +introduce any element of brute force or rowdyism into the election were +cracked over the head. In the lower part of the town scores of willing +workers, recruited often from the humblest classes, kept order with +pickaxes. In every part of the city motor cars, supplied by all the +leading businessmen, lawyers, and doctors of the city, acted as patrols +to see that no unfair use should be made of other vehicles in carrying +voters to the polls. +</P> + +<P> +It was a foregone victory from the first—overwhelming and complete. +The cohorts of darkness were so completely routed that it was +practically impossible to find them. As it fell dusk the streets were +filled with roaring and surging crowds celebrating the great victory +for clean government, while in front of every newspaper office huge +lantern pictures of <I>Mayor McGrath the Champion of Pure Government</I>, +and <I>O. Skinyer, the People's Solicitor</I>, and the other nominees of the +league, called forth cheer after cheer of frenzied enthusiasm. +</P> + +<HR ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> + +<P> +They held that night in celebration a great reception at the Mausoleum +Club on Plutoria Avenue, given at its own suggestion by the city. The +city, indeed, insisted on it. +</P> + +<P> +Nor was there ever witnessed even in that home of art and refinement a +scene of greater charm. In the spacious corridor of the club a +Hungarian band wafted Viennese music from Tyrolese flutes through the +rubber trees. There was champagne bubbling at a score of sideboards +where noiseless waiters poured it into goblets as broad and flat as +floating water-lily leaves. And through it all moved the shepherds and +shepherdesses of that beautiful Arcadia—the shepherds in their Tuxedo +jackets, with vast white shirt-fronts broad as the map of Africa, with +spotless white waistcoats girdling their equators, wearing heavy gold +watch-chains and little patent shoes blacker than sin itself—and the +shepherdesses in foaming billows of silks of every colour of the +kaleidoscope, their hair bound with glittering headbands or coiled with +white feathers, the very symbol of municipal purity. One would search +in vain the pages of pastoral literature to find the equal of it. +</P> + +<P> +And as they talked, the good news spread from group to group that it +was already known that the new franchise of the Citizens' Light was to +be made for two centuries so as to give the company a fair chance to +see what it could do. At the word of it, the grave faces of manly +bondholders flushed with pride, and the soft eyes of listening +shareholders laughed back in joy. For they had no doubt or fear, now +that clean government had come. They knew what the company could do. +</P> + +<P> +Thus all night long, outside of the club, the soft note of the motor +horns arriving and departing wakened the sleeping leaves of the elm +trees with their message of good tidings. And all night long, within +its lighted corridors, the bubbling champagne whispered to the +listening rubber trees of the new salvation of the city. So the night +waxed and waned till the slow day broke, dimming with its cheap prosaic +glare the shaded beauty of the artificial light, and the people of the +city—the best of them—drove home to their well-earned sleep; and the +others—in the lower parts of the city—rose to their daily toil. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<P CLASS="finis"> +END +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR><BR> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Arcadian Adventures with the Idle Rich, by +Stephen Leacock + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ACADIAN ADVENTURES, IDLE RICH *** + +***** This file should be named 4020-h.htm or 4020-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/2/4020/ + +Produced by Gardner Buchanan. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Arcadian Adventures with the Idle Rich + +Author: Stephen Leacock + +Posting Date: June 4, 2009 [EBook #4020] +Release Date: May, 2003 +First Posted: October 11, 2001 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ACADIAN ADVENTURES, IDLE RICH *** + + + + +Produced by Gardner Buchanan. HTML version by Al Haines. + + + + + + + + + +Arcadian Adventures With the Idle Rich + + +By + +Stephen Leacock, 1869-1944 + + + + +CONTENTS + + I A Little Dinner with Mr. Lucullus Fyshe + II The Wizard of Finance + III The Arrested Philanthropy of Mr. Tomlinson + IV The Yahi-Bahi Oriental Society of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown + V The Love Story of Mr. Peter Spillikins + VI The Rival Churches of St. Asaph and St. Osoph + VII The Ministrations of the Rev. Uttermust Dumfarthing + VIII The Great Fight for Clean Government + + + +CHAPTER ONE: A Little Dinner with Mr. Lucullus Fyshe + +The Mausoleum Club stands on the quietest corner of the best +residential street in the City. It is a Grecian building of white +stone. About it are great elm trees with birds--the most expensive kind +of birds--singing in the branches. + +The street in the softer hours of the morning has an almost reverential +quiet. Great motors move drowsily along it, with solitary chauffeurs +returning at 10.30 after conveying the earlier of the millionaires to +their downtown offices. The sunlight flickers through the elm trees, +illuminating expensive nurse-maids wheeling valuable children in little +perambulators. Some of the children are worth millions and millions. In +Europe, no doubt, you may see in the Unter den Linden avenue or the +Champs Elysees a little prince or princess go past with a clattering +military guard of honour. But that is nothing. It is not half so +impressive, in the real sense, as what you may observe every morning on +Plutoria Avenue beside the Mausoleum Club in the quietest part of the +city. Here you may see a little toddling princess in a rabbit suit who +owns fifty distilleries in her own right. There, in a lacquered +perambulator, sails past a little hooded head that controls from its +cradle an entire New Jersey corporation. The United States +attorney-general is suing her as she sits, in a vain attempt to make +her dissolve herself into constituent companies. Near by is a child of +four, in a khaki suit, who represents the merger of two trunk-line +railways. You may meet in the flickered sunlight any number of little +princes and princesses far more real than the poor survivals of Europe. +Incalculable infants wave their fifty-dollar ivory rattles in an +inarticulate greeting to one another. A million dollars of preferred +stock laughs merrily in recognition of a majority control going past in +a go-cart drawn by an imported nurse. And through it all the sunlight +falls through the elm trees, and the birds sing and the motors hum, so +that the whole world as seen from the boulevard of Plutoria Avenue is +the very pleasantest place imaginable. + +Just below Plutoria Avenue, and parallel with it, the trees die out and +the brick and stone of the City begins in earnest. Even from the Avenue +you see the tops of the sky-scraping buildings in the big commercial +streets, and can hear or almost hear the roar of the elevated railway, +earning dividends. And beyond that again the City sinks lower, and is +choked and crowded with the tangled streets and little houses of the +slums. + +In fact, if you were to mount to the roof of the Mausoleum Club itself +on Plutoria Avenue you could almost see the slums from there. But why +should you? And on the other hand, if you never went up on the roof, +but only dined inside among the palm trees, you would never know that +the slums existed which is much better. + +There are broad steps leading up to the club, so broad and so agreeably +covered with matting that the physical exertion of lifting oneself from +one's motor to the door of the club is reduced to the smallest compass. +The richer members are not ashamed to take the steps one at a time, +first one foot and then the other; and at tight money periods, when +there is a black cloud hanging over the Stock Exchange, you may see +each and every one of the members of the Mausoleum Club dragging +himself up the steps after this fashion, his restless eyes filled with +the dumb pathos of a man wondering where he can put his hand on half a +million dollars. + +But at gayer times, when there are gala receptions at the club, its +steps are all buried under expensive carpet, soft as moss and covered +over with a long pavilion of red and white awning to catch the +snowflakes; and beautiful ladies are poured into the club by the +motorful. Then, indeed, it is turned into a veritable Arcadia; and for +a beautiful pastoral scene, such as would have gladdened the heart of a +poet who understood the cost of things, commend me to the Mausoleum +Club on just such an evening. Its broad corridors and deep recesses are +filled with shepherdesses such as you never saw, dressed in beautiful +shimmering gowns, and wearing feathers in their hair that droop off +sideways at every angle known to trigonometry. And there are shepherds, +too, with broad white waistcoats and little patent leather shoes and +heavy faces and congested cheeks. And there is dancing and conversation +among the shepherds and shepherdesses, with such brilliant flashes of +wit and repartee about the rise in Wabash and the fall in Cement that +the soul of Louis Quatorze would leap to hear it. And later there is +supper at little tables, when the shepherds and shepherdesses consume +preferred stocks and gold-interest bonds in the shape of chilled +champagne and iced asparagus, and great platefuls of dividends and +special quarterly bonuses are carried to and fro in silver dishes by +Chinese philosophers dressed up to look like waiters. + +But on ordinary days there are no ladies in the club, but only the +shepherds. You may see them sitting about in little groups of two and +three under the palm trees drinking whiskey and soda; though of course +the more temperate among them drink nothing but whiskey and Lithia +water, and those who have important business to do in the afternoon +limit themselves to whiskey and Radnor, or whiskey and Magi water. +There are as many kinds of bubbling, gurgling, mineral waters in the +caverns of the Mausoleum Club as ever sparkled from the rocks of +Homeric Greece. And when you have once grown used to them, it is as +impossible to go back to plain water as it is to live again in the +forgotten house in a side street that you inhabited long before you +became a member. + +Thus the members sit and talk in undertones that float to the ear +through the haze of Havana smoke. You may hear the older men explaining +that the country is going to absolute ruin, and the younger ones +explaining that the country is forging ahead as it never did before; +but chiefly they love to talk of great national questions, such as the +protective tariff and the need of raising it, the sad decline of the +morality of the working man, the spread of syndicalism and the lack of +Christianity in the labour class, and the awful growth of selfishness +among the mass of the people. + +So they talk, except for two or three that drop off to directors' +meetings; till the afternoon fades and darkens into evening, and the +noiseless Chinese philosophers turn on soft lights here and there among +the palm trees. Presently they dine at white tables glittering with cut +glass and green and yellow Rhine wines; and after dinner they sit again +among the palm-trees, half-hidden in the blue smoke, still talking of +the tariff and the labour class and trying to wash away the memory and +the sadness of it in floods of mineral waters. So the evening passes +into night, and one by one the great motors come throbbing to the door, +and the Mausoleum Club empties and darkens till the last member is +borne away and the Arcadian day ends in well-earned repose. + + * * * * * + +"I want you to give me your opinion very, very frankly," said Mr. +Lucullus Fyshe on one side of the luncheon table to the Rev. Fareforth +Furlong on the other. + +"By all means," said Mr. Furlong. + +Mr. Fyshe poured out a wineglassful of soda and handed it to the rector +to drink. + +"Now tell me very truthfully," he said, "is there too much carbon in +it?" + +"By no means," said Mr. Furlong. + +"And--quite frankly--not too much hydrogen?" + +"Oh, decidedly not." + +"And you would not say that the percentage of sodium bicarbonate was +too great for the ordinary taste?" + +"I certainly should not," said Mr. Furlong, and in this he spoke the +truth. + +"Very good then," said Mr. Fyshe, "I shall use it for the Duke of +Dulham this afternoon." + +He uttered the name of the Duke with that quiet, democratic +carelessness which meant that he didn't care whether half a dozen other +members lunching at the club could hear or not. After all, what was a +duke to a man who was president of the People's Traction and Suburban +Co., and the Republican Soda and Siphon Co-operative, and chief +director of the People's District Loan and Savings? If a man with a +broad basis of popular support like that was proposing to entertain a +duke, surely there could be no doubt about his motives? None at all. + +Naturally, too, if a man manufactures soda himself, he gets a little +over-sensitive about the possibility of his guests noticing the +existence of too much carbon in it. + +In fact, ever so many of the members of the Mausoleum Club manufacture +things, or cause them to be manufactured, or--what is the same +thing--merge them when they are manufactured. This gives them their +peculiar chemical attitude towards their food. One often sees a member +suddenly call the head waiter at breakfast to tell him that there is +too much ammonia in the bacon; and another one protest at the amount of +glucose in the olive oil; and another that there is too high a +percentage of nitrogen in the anchovy. A man of distorted imagination +might think this tasting of chemicals in the food a sort of nemesis of +fate upon the members. But that would be very foolish, for in every +case the head waiter, who is the chief of the Chinese philosophers +mentioned above, says that he'll see to it immediately and have the +percentage removed. And as for the members themselves, they are about +as much ashamed of manufacturing and merging things as the Marquis of +Salisbury is ashamed of the founders of the Cecil family. + +What more natural, therefore, than that Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, before +serving the soda to the Duke, should try it on somebody else? And what +better person could be found for this than Mr. Furlong, the saintly +young rector of St. Asaph's, who had enjoyed the kind of expensive +college education calculated to develop all the faculties. Moreover, a +rector of the Anglican Church who has been in the foreign mission field +is the kind of person from whom one can find out, more or less +incidentally, how one should address and converse with a duke, and +whether you call him, "Your Grace," or "His Grace," or just "Grace," or +"Duke," or what. All of which things would seem to a director of the +People's Bank and the president of the Republican Soda Co. so trivial +in importance that he would scorn to ask about them. + +So that was why Mr. Fyshe had asked Mr. Furlong to lunch with him, and +to dine with him later on in the same day at the Mausoleum Club to meet +the Duke of Dulham. And Mr. Furlong, realizing that a clergyman must be +all things to all men and not avoid a man merely because he is a duke, +had accepted the invitation to lunch, and had promised to come to +dinner, even though it meant postponing the Willing Workers' Tango +Class of St. Asaph's until the following Friday. + +Thus it had come about that Mr. Fyshe was seated at lunch, consuming a +cutlet and a pint of Moselle in the plain downright fashion of a man so +democratic that he is practically a revolutionary socialist, and +doesn't mind saying so; and the young rector of St. Asaph's was sitting +opposite to him in a religious ecstasy over a _salmi_ of duck. + +"The Duke arrived this morning, did he not?" said Mr. Furlong. + +"From New York," said Mr. Fyshe. "He is staying at the Grand Palaver. I +sent a telegram through one of our New York directors of the Traction, +and his Grace has very kindly promised to come over here to dine." + +"Is he here for pleasure?" asked the rector. + +"I understand he is--" Mr. Fyshe was going to say "about to invest a +large part of his fortune in American securities," but he thought +better of it. Even with the clergy it is well to be careful. So he +substituted "is very much interested in studying American conditions." + +"Does he stay long?" asked Mr. Furlong. + +Had Mr. Lucullus Fyshe replied quite truthfully, he would have said, +"Not if I can get his money out of him quickly," but he merely +answered, "That I don't know." + +"He will find much to interest him," went on the rector in a musing +tone. "The position of the Anglican Church in America should afford him +an object of much consideration. I understand," he added, feeling his +way, "that his Grace is a man of deep piety." + +"Very deep," said Mr. Fyshe. + +"And of great philanthropy?" + +"Very great." + +"And I presume," said the rector, taking a devout sip of the unfinished +soda, "that he is a man of immense wealth?" + +"I suppose so," answered Mr. Fyshe quite carelessly. "All these fellows +are." (Mr. Fyshe generally referred to the British aristocracy as +"these fellows.") "Land, you know, feudal estates; sheer robbery, I +call it. How the working-class, the proletariat, stand for such tyranny +is more than I can see. Mark my words, Furlong, some day they'll rise +and the whole thing will come to a sudden end." + +Mr. Fyshe was here launched upon his favourite topic; but he +interrupted himself, just for a moment, to speak to the waiter. + +"What the devil do you mean," he said, "by serving asparagus half-cold?" + +"Very sorry, sir," said the waiter, "shall I take it out?" + +"Take it out? Of course take it out, and see that you don't serve me +stuff of that sort again, or I'll report you." + +"Very sorry, sir," said the waiter. + +Mr. Fyshe looked at the vanishing waiter with contempt upon his +features. "These pampered fellows are getting unbearable." he said. "By +Gad, if I had my way I'd fire the whole lot of them: lock 'em out, put +'em on the street. That would teach 'em. Yes, Furlong, you'll live to +see it that the whole working-class will one day rise against the +tyranny of the upper classes, and society will be overwhelmed." + +But if Mr. Fyshe had realized that at that moment, in the kitchen of +the Mausoleum Club, in those sacred precincts themselves, there was a +walking delegate of the Waiters' International Union leaning against a +sideboard, with his bowler hat over one corner of his eye, and talking +to a little group of the Chinese philosophers, he would have known that +perhaps the social catastrophe was a little nearer than even he +suspected. + + * * * * * + +"Are you inviting anyone else tonight?" asked Mr. Furlong. + +"I should have liked to ask your father," said Mr. Fyshe, "but +unfortunately he is out of town." + +What Mr. Fyshe really meant was, "I am extremely glad not to have to +ask your father, whom I would not introduce to the Duke on any account." + +Indeed, Mr. Furlong, senior, the father of the rector of St. Asaph's, +who was President of the New Amalgamated Hymnal Corporation, and +Director of the Hosanna Pipe and Steam Organ, Limited, was entirely the +wrong man for Mr. Fyshe's present purpose. In fact, he was reputed to +be as smart a man as ever sold a Bible. At this moment he was out of +town, busied in New York with the preparation of the plates of his new +Hindu Testament (copyright); but had he learned that a duke with +several millions to invest was about to visit the city, he would not +have left it for the whole of Hindustan. + +"I suppose you are asking Mr. Boulder," said the rector. + +"No," answered Mr. Fyshe very decidedly, dismissing the name absolutely. + +Indeed, there was even better reason not to introduce Mr. Boulder to +the Duke. Mr. Fyshe had made that sort of mistake once, and never +intended to make it again. It was only a year ago, on the occasion of +the visit of young Viscount FitzThistle to the Mausoleum Club, that Mr. +Fyshe had introduced Mr. Boulder to the Viscount and had suffered +grievously thereby. For Mr. Boulder had no sooner met the Viscount than +he invited him up to his hunting-lodge in Wisconsin, and that was the +last thing known of the investment of the FitzThistle fortune. + +This Mr. Boulder of whom Mr. Fyshe spoke might indeed have been seen at +that moment at a further table of the lunch room eating a solitary +meal, an oldish man with a great frame suggesting broken strength, with +a white beard and with falling under-eyelids that made him look as if +he were just about to cry. His eyes were blue and far away, and his +still, mournful face and his great bent shoulders seemed to suggest all +the power and mystery of high finance. + +Gloom indeed hung over him. For, when one heard him talk of listed +stocks and cumulative dividends, there was as deep a tone in his quiet +voice as if he spoke of eternal punishment and the wages of sin. + +Under his great hands a chattering viscount, or a sturdy duke, or a +popinjay Italian marquis was as nothing. + +Mr. Boulder's methods with titled visitors investing money in America +were deep. He never spoke to them of money, not a word. He merely +talked of the great American forest--he had been born sixty-five years +back, in a lumber state--and, when he spoke of primeval trees and the +howl of the wolf at night among the pines, there was the stamp of +reality about it that held the visitor spellbound; and when he fell to +talking of his hunting-lodge far away in the Wisconsin timber, duke, +earl, or baron that had ever handled a double-barrelled express rifle +listened and was lost. + +"I have a little place," Mr. Boulder would say in his deep tones that +seemed almost like a sob, "a sort of shooting box, I think you'd call +it, up in Wisconsin; just a plain place"--he would add, almost +crying--"made of logs." + +"Oh, really," the visitor would interject, "made of logs. By Jove, how +interesting!" + +All titled people are fascinated at once with logs, and Mr. Boulder +knew it--at least subconsciously. + +"Yes, logs," he would continue, still in deep sorrow; "just the plain +cedar, not squared, you know, the old original timber; I had them cut +right out of the forest." + +By this time the visitor's excitement was obvious. "And is there game +there?" he would ask. + +"We have the timber-wolf," said Mr. Boulder, his voice half choking at +the sadness of the thing, "and of course the jack wolf and the lynx." + +"And are they ferocious?" + +"Oh, extremely so--quite uncontrollable." + +On which the titled visitor was all excitement to start for Wisconsin +at once, even before Mr. Boulder's invitation was put in words. + +And when he returned a week later, all tanned and wearing +bush-whackers' boots, and covered with wolf bites, his whole available +fortune was so completely invested in Mr. Boulder's securities that you +couldn't have shaken twenty-five cents out of him upside down. + +Yet the whole thing had been done merely incidentally round a big fire +under the Wisconsin timber, with a dead wolf or two lying in the snow. + +So no wonder that Mr. Fyshe did not propose to invite Mr. Boulder to +his little dinner. No, indeed. In fact, his one aim was to keep Mr. +Boulder and his log house hidden from the Duke. + +And equally no wonder that as soon as Mr. Boulder read of the Duke's +arrival in New York, and saw by the _Commercial Echo and Financial +Undertone_ that he might come to the City looking for investments, he +telephoned at once to his little place in Wisconsin--which had, of +course, a primeval telephone wire running to it--and told his steward +to have the place well aired and good fires lighted; and he especially +enjoined him to see if any of the shanty men thereabouts could catch a +wolf or two, as he might need them. + + * * * * * + +"Is no one else coming then?" asked the rector. + +"Oh yes. President Boomer of the University. We shall be a party of +four. I thought the Duke might be interested in meeting Boomer. He may +care to hear something of the archaeological remains of the continent." + +If the Duke did so care, he certainly had a splendid chance in meeting +the gigantic Dr. Boomer, the president of Plutoria University. + +If he wanted to know anything of the exact distinction between the +Mexican Pueblo and the Navajo tribal house, he had his opportunity +right now. If he was eager to hear a short talk--say half an hour--on +the relative antiquity of the Neanderthal skull and the gravel deposits +of the Missouri, his chance had come. He could learn as much about the +stone age and the bronze age, in America, from President Boomer, as he +could about the gold age and the age of paper securities from Mr. Fyshe +and Mr. Boulder. + +So what better man to meet a duke than an archaeological president? + +And if the Duke should feel inclined, as a result of his American visit +(for Dr. Boomer, who knew everything, understood what the Duke had come +for), inclined, let us say, to endow a chair in Primitive Anthropology, +or do any useful little thing of the sort, that was only fair business +all round; or if he even was willing to give a moderate sum towards the +general fund of Plutoria University--enough, let us say, to enable the +president to dismiss an old professor and hire a new one--that surely +was reasonable enough. + +The president, therefore, had said yes to Mr. Fyshe's invitation with +alacrity, and had taken a look through the list of his more incompetent +professors to refresh his memory. + + * * * * * + +The Duke of Dulham had landed in New York five days before and had +looked round eagerly for a field of turnips, but hadn't seen any. He +had been driven up Fifth Avenue and had kept his eyes open for +potatoes, but there were none. Nor had he seen any shorthorns in +Central Park, nor any Southdowns on Broadway. For the Duke, of course, +like all dukes, was agricultural from his Norfolk jacket to his +hobnailed boots. + +At his restaurant he had cut a potato in two and sent half of it to the +head waiter to know if it was Bermudian. It had all the look of an +early Bermudian, but the Duke feared from the shading of it that it +might be only a late Trinidad. And the head waiter sent it to the chef, +mistaking it for a complaint, and the chef sent it back to the Duke +with a message that it was not a Bermudian but a Prince Edward Island. +And the Duke sent his compliments to the chef, and the chef sent his +compliments to the Duke. And the Duke was so pleased at learning this +that he had a similar potato wrapped up for him to take away, and +tipped the head waiter twenty-five cents, feeling that in an +extravagant country the only thing to do is to go the people one +better. So the Duke carried the potato round for five days in New York +and showed it to everybody. But beyond this he got no sign of +agriculture out of the place at all. No one who entertained him seemed +to know what the beef that they gave him had been fed on; no one, even +in what seemed the best society, could talk rationally about preparing +a hog for the breakfast table. People seemed to eat cauliflower without +distinguishing the Denmark variety from the Oldenburg, and few, if any, +knew Silesian bacon even when they tasted it. And when they took the +Duke out twenty-five miles into what was called the country, there were +still no turnips, but only real estate, and railway embankments, and +advertising signs; so that altogether the obvious and visible decline +of American agriculture in what should have been its leading centre +saddened the Duke's heart. Thus the Duke passed four gloomy days. +Agriculture vexed him, and still more, of course, the money concerns +which had brought him to America. + +Money is a troublesome thing. But it has got to be thought about even +by those who were not brought up to it. If, on account of money +matters, one has been driven to come over to America in the hope of +borrowing money, the awkwardness of how to go about it naturally makes +one gloomy and preoccupied. Had there been broad fields of turnips to +walk in and Holstein cattle to punch in the ribs, one might have +managed to borrow it in the course of gentlemanly intercourse, as from +one cattle-man to another. But in New York, amid piles of masonry and +roaring street-traffic and glittering lunches and palatial residences +one simply couldn't do it. + +Herein lay the truth about the Duke of Dulham's visit and the error of +Mr. Lucullus Fyshe. Mr. Fyshe was thinking that the Duke had come to +_lend_ money. In reality he had come to _borrow_ it. In fact, the Duke +was reckoning that by putting a second mortgage on Dulham Towers for +twenty thousand sterling, and by selling his Scotch shooting and +leasing his Irish grazing and sub-letting his Welsh coal rent he could +raise altogether a hundred thousand pounds. This for a duke, is an +enormous sum. If he once had it he would be able to pay off the first +mortgage on Dulham Towers, buy in the rights of the present tenant of +the Scotch shooting and the claim of the present mortgagee of the Irish +grazing, and in fact be just where he started. This is ducal finance, +which moves always in a circle. + +In other words the Duke was really a poor man--not poor in the American +sense, where poverty comes as a sudden blighting stringency, taking the +form of an inability to get hold of a quarter of a million dollars, no +matter how badly one needs it, and where it passes like a storm-cloud +and is gone, but poor in that permanent and distressing sense known +only to the British aristocracy. The Duke's case, of course, was +notorious, and Mr. Fyshe ought to have known of it. The Duke was so +poor that the Duchess was compelled to spend three or four months every +year at a fashionable hotel on the Riviera simply to save money, and +his eldest son, the young Marquis of Beldoodle, had to put in most of +his time shooting big game in Uganda, with only twenty or twenty-five +beaters, and with so few carriers and couriers and such a dearth of +elephant men and hyena boys that the thing was a perfect scandal. The +Duke indeed was so poor that a younger son, simply to add his efforts +to those of the rest, was compelled to pass his days in mountain +climbing in the Himalayas, and the Duke's daughter was obliged to pay +long visits to minor German princesses, putting up with all sorts of +hardship. And while the ducal family wandered about in this +way--climbing mountains, and shooting hyenas, and saving money, the +Duke's place or seat, Dulham Towers, was practically shut up, with no +one in it but servants and housekeepers and gamekeepers and tourists; +and the picture galleries, except for artists and visitors and +villagers, were closed; and the town house, except for the presence of +servants and tradesmen and secretaries, was absolutely shut. But the +Duke knew that rigid parsimony of this sort, if kept up for a +generation or two, will work wonders, and this sustained him; and the +Duchess knew it, and it sustained her; in fact, all the ducal family, +knowing that it was only a matter of a generation or two, took their +misfortune very cheerfully. + +The only thing that bothered the Duke was borrowing money. This was +necessary from time to time when loans or mortgages fell in, but he +hated it. It was beneath him. His ancestors had often taken money, but +had never borrowed it, and the Duke chafed under the necessity. There +was something about the process that went against the grain. To sit +down in pleasant converse with a man, perhaps almost a gentleman, and +then lead up to the subject and take his money from him, seemed to the +Duke's mind essentially low. He could have understood knocking a man +over the head with a fire shovel and taking his money, but not +borrowing it. + +So the Duke had come to America, where borrowing is notoriously easy. +Any member of the Mausoleum Club, for instance, would borrow fifty +cents to buy a cigar, or fifty thousand dollars to buy a house, or five +millions to buy a railroad with complete indifference, and pay it back, +too, if he could, and think nothing of it. In fact, ever so many of the +Duke's friends were known to have borrowed money in America with +magical ease, pledging for it their seats or their pictures, or one of +their daughters--anything. + +So the Duke knew it must be easy. And yet, incredible as it may seem, +he had spent four days in New York, entertained everywhere, and made +much of, and hadn't borrowed a cent. He had been asked to lunch in a +Riverside palace, and, fool that he was, had come away without so much +as a dollar to show for it. He had been asked to a country house on the +Hudson, and, like an idiot--he admitted it himself--hadn't asked his +host for as much as his train fare. He had been driven twice round +Central Park in a motor and had been taken tamely back to his hotel not +a dollar the richer. The thing was childish, and he knew it. But to +save his life the Duke didn't know how to begin. None of the things +that he was able to talk about seemed to have the remotest connection +with the subject of money. The Duke was able to converse reasonably +well over such topics as the approaching downfall of England (they had +talked of it at Dulham Towers for sixty years), or over the duty of +England towards China, or the duty of England to Persia, or its duty to +aid the Young Turk Movement, and its duty to check the Old Servia +agitation. The Duke became so interested in these topics and in +explaining that while he had never been a Little Englander he had +always been a Big Turk, and that he stood for a Small Bulgaria and a +Restricted Austria, that he got further and further away from the topic +of money, which was what he really wanted to come to; and the Duke rose +from his conversations with a look of such obvious distress on his face +that everybody realized that his anxiety about England was killing him. + +And then suddenly light had come. It was on his fourth day in New York +that he unexpectedly ran into the Viscount Belstairs (they had been +together as young men in Nigeria, and as middle-aged men in St. +Petersburg), and Belstairs, who was in abundant spirits and who was +returning to England on the _Gloritania_ at noon the next day, +explained to the Duke that he had just borrowed fifty thousand pounds, +on security that wouldn't be worth a halfpenny in England. + +And the Duke said with a sigh, "How the deuce do you do it. Belstairs?" + +"Do what?" + +"Borrow it," said the Duke. "How do you manage to get people to talk +about it? Here I am wanting to borrow a hundred thousand, and I'm +hanged if I can even find an opening." + +At which the Viscount had said, "Pooh, pooh! you don't need any +opening. Just borrow it straight out--ask for it across a dinner table, +just as you'd ask for a match; they think nothing of it here." + +"Across the dinner table?" repeated the Duke, who was a literal man. + +"Certainly," said the Viscount. "Not too soon, you know--say after a +second glass of wine. I assure you it's absolutely nothing." + +And it was just at that moment that a telegram was handed to the Duke +from Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, praying him, as he was reported to be visiting +the next day the City where the Mausoleum Club stands, to make +acquaintance with him by dining at that institution. + +And the Duke, being as I say a literal man, decided that just as soon +as Mr. Fyshe should give him a second glass of wine, that second glass +should cost Mr. Fyshe a hundred thousand pounds sterling. + +And oddly enough, at about the same moment, Mr. Fyshe was calculating +that provided he could make the Duke drink a second glass of the +Mausoleum champagne, that glass would cost the Duke about five million +dollars. + + * * * * * + +So the very morning after that the Duke had arrived on the New York +express in the City; and being an ordinary, democratic, commercial sort +of place, absorbed in its own affairs, it made no fuss over him +whatever. The morning edition of the _Plutopian Citizen_ simply said, +"We understand that the Duke of Dulham arrives at the Grand Palaver +this morning," after which it traced the Duke's pedigree back to Jock +of Ealing in the twelfth century and let the matter go at that; and the +noon edition of the _People's Advocate_ merely wrote, "We learn that +Duke Dulham is in town. He is a relation of Jack Ealing." But the +_Commercial Echo and Financial Undertone_, appearing at four o'clock, +printed in its stock-market columns the announcement: "We understand +that the Duke of Dulham, who arrives in town today, is proposing to +invest a large sum of money in American Industrials." + +And, of course, that announcement reached every member of the Mausoleum +Club within twenty minutes. + + * * * * * + +The Duke of Dulham entered the Mausoleum Club that evening at exactly +seven of the clock. He was a short, thick man with a shaven face, red +as a brick, and grizzled hair, and from the look of him he could have +got a job at sight in any lumber camp in Wisconsin. He wore a dinner +jacket, just like an ordinary person, but even without his Norfolk coat +and his hobnailed boots there was something in the way in which he +walked up the long main hall of the Mausoleum Club that every imported +waiter in the place recognized in an instant. + +The Duke cast his eye about the club and approved of it. It seemed to +him a modest, quiet place, very different from the staring ostentation +that one sees too often in a German hof or an Italian palazzo. He liked +it. + +Mr. Fyshe and Mr. Furlong were standing in a deep alcove or bay where +there was a fire and india-rubber trees and pictures with shaded lights +and a whiskey-and-soda table. There the Duke joined them. Mr. Fyshe he +had met already that afternoon at the Palaver, and he called him +"Fyshe" as if he had known him forever; and indeed, after a few minutes +he called the rector of St. Asaph's simply "Furlong," for he had been +familiar with the Anglican clergy in so many parts of the world that he +knew that to attribute any peculiar godliness to them, socially, was +the worst possible taste. + +"By Jove," said the Duke, turning to tap the leaf of a rubber tree with +his finger, "that fellow's a Nigerian, isn't he?" + +"I hardly know," said Mr. Fyshe, "I imagine so"; and he added, "You've +been in Nigeria, Duke?" + +"Oh, some years ago," said the Duke, "after big game, you know--fine +place for it." + +"Did you get any?" asked Mr. Fyshe. + +"Not much," said the Duke; "a hippo or two." + +"Ah," said Mr. Fyshe. + +"And, of course, now and then a giro," the Duke went on, and added, "My +sister was luckier, though; she potted a rhino one day, straight out of +a doolie; I call that rather good." + +Mr. Fyshe called it that too. + +"Ah, now here's a good thing," the Duke went on, looking at a picture. +He carried in his waistcoat pocket an eyeglass that he used for +pictures and for Tamworth hogs, and he put it to his eye with one hand, +keeping the other in the left pocket of his jacket; "and this--this is +a very good thing." + +"I believe so," said Mr. Fyshe. + +"You really have some awfully good things here," continued the Duke. He +had seen far too many pictures in too many places ever to speak of +"values" or "compositions" or anything of that sort. The Duke merely +looked at a picture and said, "Now here's a good thing," or "Ah! here +now is a very good thing," or, "I say, here's a really good thing." + +No one could get past this sort of criticism. The Duke had long since +found it bullet-proof. + +"They showed me some rather good things in New York," he went on, "but +really the things you have here seem to be awfully good things." + +Indeed, the Duke was truly pleased with the pictures, for something in +their composition, or else in the soft, expensive light that shone on +them, enabled him to see in the distant background of each a hundred +thousand sterling. And that is a very beautiful picture indeed. + +"When you come to our side of the water, Fyshe," said the Duke, "I must +show you my Botticelli." + +Had Mr. Fyshe, who knew nothing of art, expressed his real thought, he +would have said, "Show me your which?" But he only answered, "I shall +be delighted to see it." + +In any case there was no time to say more, for at this moment the +portly figure and the great face of Dr. Boomer, president of Plutoria +University, loomed upon them. And with him came a great burst of +conversation that blew all previous topics into fragments. He was +introduced to the Duke, and shook hands with Mr. Furlong, and talked to +both of them, and named the kind of cocktail that he wanted, all in one +breath, and in the very next he was asking the Duke about the +Babylonian hieroglyphic bricks that his grandfather, the thirteenth +Duke, had brought home from the Euphrates, and which every +archaeologist knew were preserved in the Duke's library at Dulham +Towers. And though the Duke hadn't known about the bricks himself, he +assured Dr. Boomer that his grandfather had collected some really good +things, quite remarkable. + +And the Duke, having met a man who knew about his grandfather, felt in +his own element. In fact, he was so delighted with Dr. Boomer and the +Nigerian rubber tree and the shaded pictures and the charm of the whole +place and the certainty that half a million dollars was easily findable +in it, that he put his eyeglass back in his pocket and said. + +"A charming club you have here, really most charming." + +"Yes," said Mr. Fyshe, in a casual tone, "a comfortable place, we like +to think." + +But if he could have seen what was happening below in the kitchens of +the Mausoleum Club, Mr. Fyshe would have realized that just then it was +turning into a most uncomfortable place. + +For the walking delegate with his hat on sideways, who had haunted it +all day, was busy now among the assembled Chinese philosophers, writing +down names and distributing strikers' cards of the International Union +and assuring them that the "boys" of the Grand Palaver had all walked +out at seven, and that all the "boys" of the Commercial and the Union +and of every restaurant in town were out an hour ago. + +And the philosophers were taking their cards and hanging up their +waiters' coats and putting on shabby jackets and bowler hats, worn +sideways, and changing themselves by a wonderful transformation from +respectable Chinese to slouching loafers of the lowest type. + +But Mr. Fyshe, being in an alcove and not in the kitchens, saw nothing +of these things. Not even when the head waiter, shaking with +apprehension, appeared with cocktails made by himself, in glasses that +he himself had had to wipe, did Mr. Fyshe, absorbed in the easy +urbanity of the Duke, notice that anything was amiss. + +Neither did his guests. For Dr. Boomer, having discovered that the Duke +had visited Nigeria, was asking him his opinion of the famous Bimbaweh +remains of the lower Niger. The Duke confessed that he really hadn't +noticed them, and the Doctor assured him that Strabo had indubitably +mentioned them (he would show the Duke the very passage), and that they +apparently lay, if his memory served him, about halfway between Oohat +and Ohat; whether above Oohat and below Ohat or above Ohat and below +Oohat he would not care to say for a certainty; for that the Duke must +wait till the president had time to consult his library. + +And the Duke was fascinated forthwith with the president's knowledge of +Nigerian geography, and explained that he had once actually descended +from below Timbuctoo to Oohat in a doolie manned only by four swats. + +So presently, having drunk the cocktails, the party moved solemnly in a +body from the alcove towards the private dining-room upstairs, still +busily talking of the Bimbaweh remains, and the swats, and whether the +doolie was, or was not, the original goatskin boat of the book of +Genesis. + +And when they entered the private dining-room with its snow-white table +and cut glass and flowers (as arranged by a retreating philosopher now +heading towards the Gaiety Theatre with his hat over his eyes), the +Duke again exclaimed, + +"Really, you have a most comfortable club--delightful." + +So they sat down to dinner, over which Mr. Furlong offered up a grace +as short as any that are known even to the Anglican clergy. And the +head waiter, now in deep distress--for he had been sending out +telephone messages in vain to the Grand Palaver and the Continental, +like the captain of a sinking ship--served oysters that he had opened +himself and poured Rhine wine with a trembling hand. For he knew that +unless by magic a new chef and a waiter or two could be got from the +Palaver, all hope was lost. + +But the guests still knew nothing of his fears. Dr. Boomer was eating +his oysters as a Nigerian hippo might eat up the crew of a doolie, in +great mouthfuls, and commenting as he did so upon the luxuriousness of +modern life. + +And in the pause that followed the oysters he illustrated for the Duke +with two pieces of bread the essential difference in structure between +the Mexican _pueblo_ and the tribal house of the Navajos, and lest the +Duke should confound either or both of them with the adobe hut of the +Bimbaweh tribes he showed the difference at once with a couple of +olives. + +By this time, of course, the delay in the service was getting +noticeable. Mr. Fyshe was directing angry glances towards the door, +looking for the reappearance of the waiter, and growling an apology to +his guests. But the president waved the apology aside. + +"In my college days," he said, "I should have considered a plate of +oysters an ample meal. I should have asked for nothing more. We eat," +he said, "too much." + +This, of course, started Mr. Fyshe on his favourite topic. "Luxury!" he +exclaimed, "I should think so! It is the curse of the age. The +appalling growth of luxury, the piling up of money, the ease with which +huge fortunes are made" (Good! thought the Duke, here we are coming to +it), "these are the things that are going to ruin us. Mark my words, +the whole thing is bound to end in a tremendous crash. I don't mind +telling you, Duke--my friends here, I am sure, know it already--that I +am more or less a revolutionary socialist. I am absolutely convinced, +sir, that our modern civilization will end in a great social +catastrophe. Mark what I say"--and here Mr. Fyshe became exceedingly +impressive--"a great social catastrophe. Some of us may not live to see +it, perhaps; but you, for instance, Furlong, are a younger man; you +certainly will." + +But here Mr. Fyshe was understating the case. They were all going to +live to see it, right on the spot. + +For it was just at this moment, when Mr. Fyshe was talking of the +social catastrophe and explaining with flashing eyes that it was bound +to come, that it came; and when it came it lit, of all places in the +world, right there in the private dining-room of the Mausoleum Club. + +For the gloomy head waiter re-entered and leaned over the back of Mr. +Fyshe's chair and whispered to him. + +"Eh? what?" said Mr. Fyshe. + +The head waiter, his features stricken with inward agony, whispered +again. + +"The infernal, damn scoundrels!" said Mr. Fyshe, starting back in his +chair. "On strike: in this club! It's an outrage!" + +"I'm very sorry sir. I didn't like to tell you, sir. I'd hoped I might +have got help from the outside, but it seems, sir, the hotels are all +the same way." + +"Do you mean to say," said Mr. Fyshe, speaking very slowly, "that there +is no dinner?" + +"I'm sorry, sir," moaned the waiter. "It appears the chef hadn't even +cooked it. Beyond what's on the table, sir, there's nothing." + +The social catastrophe had come. + +Mr. Fyshe sat silent with his fist clenched. Dr. Boomer, with his great +face transfixed, stared at the empty oyster-shells, thinking perhaps of +his college days. The Duke, with his hundred thousand dashed from his +lips in the second cup of champagne that was never served, thought of +his politeness first and murmured something about taking them to his +hotel. + +But there is no need to follow the unhappy details of the unended +dinner. Mr. Fyshe's one idea was to be gone: he was too true an artist +to think that finance could be carried on over the table-cloth of a +second-rate restaurant, or on an empty stomach in a deserted club. The +thing must be done over again; he must wait his time and begin anew. + +And so it came about that the little dinner party of Mr. Lucullus Fyshe +dissolved itself into its constituent elements, like broken pieces of +society in the great cataclysm portrayed by Mr. Fyshe himself. + +The Duke was bowled home in a snorting motor to the brilliant rotunda +of the Grand Palaver, itself waiterless and supperless. + +The rector of St. Asaph's wandered off home to his rectory, musing upon +the contents of its pantry. + +And Mr. Fyshe and the gigantic Doctor walked side by side homewards +along Plutoria Avenue, beneath the elm trees. Nor had they gone any +great distance before Dr. Boomer fell to talking of the Duke. + +"A charming man," he said, "delightful. I feel extremely sorry for him." + +"No worse off, I presume, than any of the rest of us," growled Mr. +Fyshe, who was feeling in the sourest of democratic moods; "a man +doesn't need to be a duke to have a stomach." + +"Oh, pooh, pooh!" said the president, waving the topic aside with his +hand in the air; "I don't refer to that. Oh, not at all. I was thinking +of his financial position--an ancient family like the Dulhams; it seems +too bad altogether." + +For, of course, to an archaeologist like Dr. Boomer an intimate +acquaintance with the pedigree and fortunes of the greater ducal +families from Jock of Ealing downwards was nothing. It went without +saying. As beside the Neanderthal skull and the Bimbaweh ruins it +didn't count. + +Mr. Fyshe stopped absolutely still in his tracks. "His financial +position?" he questioned, quick as a lynx. + +"Certainly," said Dr. Boomer; "I had taken it for granted that you +knew. The Dulham family are practically ruined. The Duke, I imagine, is +under the necessity of mortgaging his estates; indeed, I should suppose +he is here in America to raise money." + +Mr. Fyshe was a man of lightning action. Any man accustomed to the +Stock Exchange learns to think quickly. + +"One moment!" he cried; "I see we are right at your door. May I just +run in and use your telephone? I want to call up Boulder for a moment." + +Two minutes later Mr. Fyshe was saying into the telephone, "Oh, is that +you, Boulder? I was looking for you in vain today--wanted you to meet +the Duke of Dulham, who came in quite unexpectedly from New York; felt +sure you'd like to meet him. Wanted you at the club for dinner, and now +it turns out that the club's all upset--waiters' strike or some such +rascality--and the Palaver, so I hear, is in the same fix. Could you +possibly--" + +Here Mr. Fyshe paused, listening a moment, and then went on, "Yes, yes; +an excellent idea--most kind of you. Pray do send your motor to the +hotel and give the Duke a bite of dinner. No, I wouldn't join you, +thanks. Most kind. Good night--" + +And within a few minutes more the motor of Mr. Boulder was rolling down +from Plutoria Avenue to the Grand Palaver Hotel. + +What passed between Mr. Boulder and the Duke that evening is not known. +That they must have proved congenial company to one another there is no +doubt. In fact, it would seem that, dissimilar as they were in many +ways, they found a common bond of interest in sport. And it is quite +likely that Mr. Boulder may have mentioned that he had a +hunting-lodge--what the Duke would call a shooting-box--in Wisconsin +woods, and that it was made of logs, rough cedar logs not squared, and +that the timber wolves and others which surrounded it were of a +ferocity without parallel. + +Those who know the Duke best could measure the effect of that upon his +temperament. + +At any rate, it is certain that Mr. Lucullus Fyshe at his +breakfast-table next morning chuckled with suppressed joy to read in +the _Plutopian Citizen_ the item: + +"We learn that the Duke of Dulham, who has been paying a brief visit to +the City, leaves this morning with Mr. Asmodeus Boulder for the +Wisconsin woods. We understand that Mr. Boulder intends to show his +guest, who is an ardent sportsman, something of the American wolf." + + * * * * * + +And so the Duke went whirling westwards and northwards with Mr. Boulder +in the drawing-room end of a Pullman car, that was all littered up with +double-barrelled express rifles and leather game bags and lynx catchers +and wolf traps and Heaven knows what. And the Duke had on his very +roughest sporting-suit, made, apparently, of alligator hide; and as he +sat there with a rifle across his knees, while the train swept onwards +through open fields and broken woods, the real country at last, towards +the Wisconsin forest, there was such a light of genial happiness in his +face that had not been seen there since he had been marooned in the mud +jungles of Upper Burmah. + +And opposite, Mr. Boulder looked at him with fixed silent eyes, and +murmured from time to time some renewed information of the ferocity of +the timber-wolf. + +But of wolves other than the timber-wolf, and fiercer still into whose +hands the Duke might fall in America, he spoke never a word. + +Nor is it known in the record what happened in Wisconsin, and to the +Mausoleum Club the Duke and his visit remained only as a passing and a +pleasant memory. + + + +CHAPTER TWO: The Wizard of Finance + +Down in the City itself, just below the residential street where the +Mausoleum Club is situated, there stands overlooking Central Square the +Grand Palaver Hotel. It is, in truth, at no great distance from the +club, not half a minute in one's motor. In fact, one could almost walk +it. + +But in Central Square the quiet of Plutoria Avenue is exchanged for +another atmosphere. There are fountains that splash unendingly and +mingle their music with the sound of the motor-horns and the clatter of +the cabs. There are real trees and little green benches, with people +reading yesterday's newspaper, and grass cut into plots among the +asphalt. There is at one end a statue of the first governor of the +state, life-size, cut in stone; and at the other a statue of the last, +ever so much larger than life, cast in bronze. And all the people who +pass by pause and look at this statue and point at it with +walking-sticks, because it is of extraordinary interest; in fact, it is +an example of the new electro-chemical process of casting by which you +can cast a state governor any size you like, no matter what you start +from. Those who know about such things explain what an interesting +contrast the two statues are; for in the case of the governor of a +hundred years ago one had to start from plain, rough material and work +patiently for years to get the effect, whereas now the material doesn't +matter at all, and with any sort of scrap, treated in the gas furnace +under tremendous pressure, one may make a figure of colossal size like +the one in Central Square. + +So naturally Central Square with its trees and its fountains and its +statues is one of the places of chief interest in the City. But +especially because there stands along one side of it the vast pile of +the Grand Palaver Hotel. It rises fifteen stories high and fills all +one side of the square. It has, overlooking the trees in the square, +twelve hundred rooms with three thousand windows, and it would have +held all George Washington's army. Even people in other cities who have +never seen it know it well from its advertising; "the most homelike +hotel in America," so it is labelled in all the magazines, the +expensive ones, on the continent. In fact, the aim of the company that +owns the Grand Palaver--and they do not attempt to conceal it--is to +make the place as much a home as possible. Therein lies its charm. It +is a home. You realize that when you look up at the Grand Palaver from +the square at night when the twelve hundred guests have turned on the +lights of the three thousand windows. You realize it at theatre time +when the great string of motors come sweeping to the doors of the +Palaver, to carry the twelve hundred guests to twelve hundred seats in +the theatres at four dollars a seat. But most of all do you appreciate +the character of the Grand Palaver when you step into its rotunda. +Aladdin's enchanted palace was nothing to it. It has a vast ceiling +with a hundred glittering lights, and within it night and day is a +surging crowd that is never still and a babel of voices that is never +hushed, and over all there hangs an enchanted cloud of thin blue +tobacco smoke such as might enshroud the conjured vision of a magician +of Baghdad or Damascus. + +In and through the rotunda there are palm trees to rest the eye and +rubber trees in boxes to soothe the mind, and there are great leather +lounges and deep armchairs, and here and there huge brass ash-bowls as +big as Etruscan tear-jugs. Along one side is a counter with grated +wickets like a bank, and behind it are five clerks with flattened hair +and tall collars, dressed in long black frock-coats all day like +members of a legislature. They have great books in front of them in +which they study unceasingly, and at their lightest thought they strike +a bell with the open palm of their hand, and at the sound of it a page +boy in a monkey suit, with G.P. stamped all over him in brass, bounds +to the desk and off again, shouting a call into the unheeding crowd +vociferously. The sound of it fills for a moment the great space of the +rotunda; it echoes down the corridors to the side; it floats, softly +melodious, through the palm trees of the ladies' palm room; it is +heard, fainter and fainter, in the distant grill; and in the depths of +the barber shop below the level of the street the barber arrests a +moment the drowsy hum of his shampoo brushes to catch the sound--as +might a miner in the sunken galleries of a coastal mine cease in his +toil a moment to hear the distant murmur of the sea. + +And the clerks call for the pages, the pages call for the guests, and +the guests call for the porters, the bells clang, the elevators rattle, +till home itself was never half so homelike. + + * * * * * + +"A call for Mr. Tomlinson! A call for Mr. Tomlinson!" + +So went the sound, echoing through the rotunda. + +And as the page boy found him and handed him on a salver a telegram to +read, the eyes of the crowd about him turned for a moment to look upon +the figure of Tomlinson, the Wizard of Finance. + +There he stood in his wide-awake hat and his long black coat, his +shoulders slightly bent with his fifty-eight years. Anyone who had +known him in the olden days on his bush farm beside Tomlinson's Creek +in the country of the Great Lakes would have recognized him in a +moment. There was still on his face that strange, puzzled look that it +habitually wore, only now, of course, the financial papers were calling +it "unfathomable." There was a certain way in which his eye roved to +and fro inquiringly that might have looked like perplexity, were it not +that the _Financial Undertone_ had recognized it as the "searching look +of a captain of industry." One might have thought that for all the +goodness in it there was something simple in his face, were it not that +the _Commercial and Pictorial Review_ had called the face +"inscrutable," and had proved it so with an illustration that left no +doubt of the matter. Indeed, the face of Tomlinson of Tomlinson's +Creek, now Tomlinson the Wizard of Finance, was not commonly spoken of +as a _face_ by the paragraphers of the Saturday magazine sections, but +was more usually referred to as a mask; and it would appear that +Napoleon the First had had one also. The Saturday editors were never +tired of describing the strange, impressive personality of Tomlinson, +the great dominating character of the newest and highest finance. From +the moment when the interim prospectus of the Erie Auriferous +Consolidated had broken like a tidal wave over Stock Exchange circles, +the picture of Tomlinson, the sleeping shareholder of uncomputed +millions, had filled the imagination of every dreamer in a nation of +poets. + +They all described him. And when each had finished he began again. + +"The face," so wrote the editor of the "Our Own Men" section of +_Ourselves Monthly_, "is that of a typical American captain of finance, +hard, yet with a certain softness, broad but with a certain length, +ductile but not without its own firmness." + +"The mouth," so wrote the editor of the "Success" column of _Brains_, +"is strong but pliable, the jaw firm and yet movable, while there is +something in the set of the ear that suggests the swift, eager mind of +the born leader of men." + +So from state to state ran the portrait of Tomlinson of Tomlinson's +Creek, drawn by people who had never seen him; so did it reach out and +cross the ocean, till the French journals inserted a picture which they +used for such occasions, and called it _Monsieur Tomlinson, nouveau +capitaine de la haute finance en Amerique_; and the German weeklies, +inserting also a suitable picture from their stock, marked it _Herr +Tomlinson, Amerikanischer Industrie und Finanzcapitan_. Thus did +Tomlinson float from Tomlinson's Creek beside Lake Erie to the very +banks of the Danube and the Drave. + +Some writers grew lyric about him. What visions, they asked, could one +but read them, must lie behind the quiet, dreaming eyes of that +inscrutable face? + +They might have read them easily enough, had they but had the key. +Anyone who looked upon Tomlinson as he stood there in the roar and +clatter of the great rotunda of the Grand Palaver with the telegram in +his hand, fumbling at the wrong end to open it, might have read the +visions of the master-mind had he but known their nature. They were +simple enough. For the visions in the mind of Tomlinson, Wizard of +Finance, were for the most part those of a wind-swept hillside farm +beside Lake Erie, where Tomlinson's Creek runs down to the low edge of +the lake, and where the off-shore wind ripples the rushes of the +shallow water: that, and the vision of a frame house, and the snake +fences of the fourth concession road where it falls to the lakeside. +And if the eyes of the man are dreamy and abstracted, it is because +there lies over the vision of this vanished farm an infinite regret, +greater in its compass than all the shares the Erie Auriferous +Consolidated has ever thrown upon the market. + + * * * * * + +When Tomlinson had opened the telegram he stood with it for a moment in +his hand, looking the boy full in the face. His look had in it that +peculiar far-away quality that the newspapers were calling "Napoleonic +abstraction." In reality he was wondering whether to give the boy +twenty-five cents or fifty. + +The message that he had just read was worded, "Morning quotations show +preferred A. G. falling rapidly recommend instant sale no confidence +send instructions." + +The Wizard of Finance took from his pocket a pencil (it was a +carpenter's pencil) and wrote across the face of the message: "Buy me +quite a bit more of the same yours truly." + +This he gave to the boy. "Take it over to him," he said, pointing to +the telegraph corner of the rotunda. Then after another pause he +mumbled, "Here, sonny," and gave the boy a dollar. + +With that he turned to walk towards the elevator, and all the people +about him who had watched the signing of the message knew that some big +financial deal was going through--a _coup_, in fact, they called it. + +The elevator took the Wizard to the second floor. As he went up he felt +in his pocket and gripped a quarter, then changed his mind and felt for +a fifty-cent piece, and finally gave them both to the elevator boy, +after which he walked along the corridor till he reached the corner +suite of rooms, a palace in itself, for which he was paying a thousand +dollars a month ever since the Erie Auriferous Consolidated Company had +begun tearing up the bed of Tomlinson's Creek in Cahoga County with its +hydraulic dredges. + +"Well, mother," he said as he entered. + +There was a woman seated near the window, a woman with a plain, homely +face such as they wear in the farm kitchens of Cahoga County, and a set +of fashionable clothes upon her such as they sell to the ladies of +Plutoria Avenue. + +This was "mother," the wife of the Wizard of Finance and eight years +younger than himself. And she, too, was in the papers and the public +eye; and whatsoever the shops had fresh from Paris, at fabulous prices, +that they sold to mother. They had put a Balkan hat upon her with an +upright feather, and they had hung gold chains on her, and everything +that was most expensive they had hung and tied on mother. You might see +her emerging any morning from the Grand Palaver in her beetle-back +jacket and her Balkan hat, a figure of infinite pathos. And whatever +she wore, the lady editors of _Spring Notes_ and _Causerie du Boudoir_ +wrote it out in French, and one paper had called her a _belle +chatelaine_, and another had spoken of her as a grande dame, which the +Tomlinsons thought must be a misprint. + +But in any case, for Tomlinson, the Wizard of Finance, it was a great +relief to have as his wife a woman like mother, because he knew that +she had taught school in Cahoga County and could hold her own in the +city with any of them. + +So mother spent her time sitting in her beetle jacket in the +thousand-dollar suite, reading new novels in brilliant paper covers. +And the Wizard on his trips up and down to the rotunda brought her the +very best, the ones that cost a dollar fifty, because he knew that out +home she had only been able to read books like Nathaniel Hawthorne and +Walter Scott, that were only worth ten cents. + + * * * * * + +"How's Fred?" said the Wizard, laying aside his hat, and looking +towards the closed door of an inner room. "Is he better?" + +"Some," said mother. "He's dressed, but he's lying down." + +Fred was the son of the Wizard and mother. In the inner room he lay on +a sofa, a great hulking boy of seventeen in a flowered dressing-gown, +fancying himself ill. There was a packet of cigarettes and a box of +chocolates on a chair beside him, and he had the blind drawn and his +eyes half-closed to impress himself. + +Yet this was the same boy that less than a year ago on Tomlinson's +Creek had worn a rough store suit and set his sturdy shoulders to the +buck-saw. At present Fortune was busy taking from him the golden gifts +which the fairies of Cahoga County, Lake Erie, had laid in his cradle +seventeen years ago. + +The Wizard tip-toed into the inner room, and from the open door his +listening wife could hear the voice of the boy saying, in a tone as of +one distraught with suffering. + +"Is there any more of that jelly?" + +"Could he have any, do you suppose?" asked Tomlinson coming back. + +"It's all right," said mother, "if it will sit on his stomach." For +this, in the dietetics of Cahoga County, is the sole test. All those +things can be eaten which will sit on the stomach. Anything that won't +sit there is not eatable. + +"Do you suppose I could get them to get any?" questioned Tomlinson. +"Would it be all right to telephone down to the office, or do you think +it would be better to ring?" + +"Perhaps," said his wife, "it would be better to look out into the hall +and see if there isn't someone round that would tell them." + +This was the kind of problem with which Tomlinson and his wife, in +their thousand-dollar suite in the Grand Palaver, grappled all day. And +when presently a tall waiter in dress-clothes appeared, and said, +"Jelly? Yes, sir, immediately, sir; would you like, sir, Maraschino, +sir, or Portovino, sir?" Tomlinson gazed at him gloomily, wondering if +he would take five dollars. + +"What does the doctor say is wrong with Fred?" asked Tomlinson, when +the waiter had gone. + +"He don't just say," said mother; "he said he must keep very quiet. He +looked in this morning for a minute or two, and he said he'd look in +later in the day again. But he said to keep Fred very quiet." + +Exactly! In other words Fred had pretty much the same complaint as the +rest of Dr. Slyder's patients on Plutoria Avenue, and was to be treated +in the same way. Dr. Slyder, who was the most fashionable practitioner +in the City, spent his entire time moving to and fro in an almost +noiseless motor earnestly advising people to keep quiet. "You must keep +very quiet for a little while," he would say with a sigh, as he sat +beside a sick-bed. As he drew on his gloves in the hall below he would +shake his head very impressively and say, "You must keep him very +quiet," and so pass out, quite soundlessly. By this means Dr. Slyder +often succeeded in keeping people quiet for weeks. It was all the +medicine that he knew. But it was enough. And as his patients always +got well--there being nothing wrong with them--his reputation was +immense. + +Very naturally the Wizard and his wife were impressed with him. They +had never seen such therapeutics in Cahoga County, where the practice +of medicine is carried on with forceps, pumps, squirts, splints, and +other instruments of violence. + +The waiter had hardly gone when a boy appeared at the door. This time +he presented to Tomlinson not one telegram but a little bundle of them. + +The Wizard read them with a lengthening face. The first ran something +like this, "Congratulate you on your daring market turned instantly"; +and the next, "Your opinion justified market rose have sold at 20 +points profit"; and a third, "Your forecast entirely correct C. P. rose +at once send further instructions." + +These and similar messages were from brokers' offices, and all of them +were in the same tone; one told him that C. P. was up, and another T. +G. P. had passed 129, and another that T. C. R. R. had risen ten--all +of which things were imputed to the wonderful sagacity of Tomlinson. +Whereas if they had told him that X. Y. Z. had risen to the moon he +would have been just as wise as to what it meant. + +"Well," said the wife of the Wizard as her husband finished looking +through the reports, "how are things this morning? Are they any better?" + +"No," said Tomlinson, and he sighed as he said it; "this is the worst +day yet. It's just been a shower of telegrams, and mostly all the same. +I can't do the figuring of it like you can, but I reckon I must have +made another hundred thousand dollars since yesterday." + +"You don't say so!" said mother, and they looked at one another +gloomily. + +"And half a million last week, wasn't it?" said Tomlinson as he sank +into a chair. "I'm afraid, mother," he continued, "it's no good. We +don't know how. We weren't brought up to it." + +All of which meant that if the editor of the _Monetary Afternoon_ or +_Financial Sunday_ had been able to know what was happening with the +two wizards, he could have written up a news story calculated to +electrify all America. + +For the truth was that Tomlinson, the Wizard of Finance, was attempting +to carry out a _coup_ greater than any as yet attributed to him by the +Press. He was trying to lose his money. That, in the sickness of his +soul, crushed by the Grand Palaver, overwhelmed with the burden of high +finance, had become his aim, to be done with it, to get rid of his +whole fortune. + +But if you own a fortune that is computed anywhere from fifty millions +up, with no limit at the top, if you own one-half of all the preferred +stock of an Erie Auriferous Consolidated that is digging gold in +hydraulic bucketfuls from a quarter of a mile of river bed, the task of +losing it is no easy matter. + +There are men, no doubt, versed in finance, who might succeed in doing +it. But they have a training that Tomlinson lacked. Invest it as he +would in the worst securities that offered, the most rickety of stock, +the most fraudulent bonds, back it came to him. When he threw a handful +away, back came two in its place. And at every new coup the crowd +applauded the incomparable daring, the unparalleled prescience of the +Wizard. + +Like the touch of Midas, his hand turned everything to gold. + +"Mother," he repeated, "it's no use. It's like this here Destiny, as +the books call it." + + * * * * * + +The great fortune that Tomlinson, the Wizard of Finance, was trying his +best to lose had come to him with wonderful suddenness. As yet it was +hardly six months old. As to how it had originated, there were all +sorts of stories afloat in the weekly illustrated press. They agreed +mostly on the general basis that Tomlinson had made his vast fortune by +his own indomitable pluck and dogged industry. Some said that he had +been at one time a mere farm hand who, by sheer doggedness, had fought +his way from the hay-mow to the control of the produce market of +seventeen states. Others had it that he had been a lumberjack who, by +sheer doggedness, had got possession of the whole lumber forest of the +Lake district. Others said that he had been a miner in a Lake Superior +copper mine who had, by the doggedness of his character, got a +practical monopoly of the copper supply. These Saturday articles, at +any rate, made the Saturday reader rigid with sympathetic doggedness +himself, which was all that the editor (who was doggedly trying to make +the paper pay) wanted to effect. + +But in reality the making of Tomlinson's fortune was very simple. The +recipe for it is open to anyone. It is only necessary to own a hillside +farm beside Lake Erie where the uncleared bush and the broken fields go +straggling down to the lake, and to have running through it a creek, +such as that called Tomlinson's, brawling among the stones and willows, +and to discover in the bed of a creek--a gold mine. + +That is all. + +Nor is it necessary in these well-ordered days to discover the gold for +one's self. One might have lived a lifetime on the farm, as Tomlinson's +father had, and never discover it for one's self. For that indeed the +best medium of destiny is a geologist, let us say the senior professor +of geology at Plutoria University. That was how it happened. + +The senior professor, so it chanced, was spending his vacation near by +on the shores of the lake, and his time was mostly passed--for how +better can a man spend a month of pleasure?--in looking for +outcroppings of Devonian rock of the post-tertiary period. For which +purpose he carried a vacation hammer in his pocket, and made from time +to time a note or two as he went along, or filled his pockets with the +chippings of vacation rocks. + +So it chanced that he came to Tomlinson's Creek at the very point where +a great slab of Devonian rock bursts through the clay of the bank. When +the senior professor of geology saw it and noticed a stripe like a mark +on a tiger's back--a fault he called it--that ran over the face of the +block, he was at it in an instant, beating off fragments with his +little hammer. + +Tomlinson and his boy Fred were logging in the underbrush near by with +a long chain and yoke of oxen, but the geologist was so excited that he +did not see them till the sound of his eager hammer had brought them to +his side. They took him up to the frame house in the clearing, where +the chatelaine was hoeing a potato patch with a man's hat on her head, +and they gave him buttermilk and soda cakes, but his hand shook so that +he could hardly eat them. + +The geologist left Cahoga station that night for the City with a +newspaper full of specimens inside his suit-case, and he knew that if +any person or persons would put up money enough to tear that block of +rock away and follow the fissure down, there would be found there +something to astonish humanity, geologists and all. + + * * * * * + +After that point in the launching of a gold mine the rest is easy. +Generous, warm-hearted men, interested in geology, were soon found. +There was no stint of money. The great rock was torn sideways from its +place, and from beneath it the crumbled, glittering rock-dust that +sparkled in the sun was sent in little boxes to the testing +laboratories of Plutoria University. There the senior professor of +geology had sat up with it far into the night in a darkened laboratory, +with little blue flames playing underneath crucibles, as in a +magician's cavern, and with the door locked. And as each sample that he +tested was set aside and tied in a cardboard box by itself, he labelled +it "aur. p. 75," and the pen shook in his hand as he marked it. For to +professors of geology those symbols mean "this is seventy-five per cent +pure gold." So it was no wonder that the senior professor of geology +working far into the night among the blue flames shook with excitement; +not, of course, for the gold's sake as money (he had no time to think +of that), but because if this thing was true it meant that an +auriferous vein had been found in what was Devonian rock of the +post-tertiary stratification, and if that was so it upset enough +geology to spoil a textbook. It would mean that the professor could +read a paper at the next Pan-Geological Conference that would turn the +whole assembly into a bedlam. + +It pleased him, too, to know that the men he was dealing with were +generous. They had asked him to name his own price or the tests that he +made and when he had said two dollars per sample they had told him to +go right ahead. The professor was not, I suppose, a mercenary man, but +it pleased him to think that he could, clean up sixteen dollars in a +single evening in his laboratory. It showed, at any rate, that +businessmen put science at its proper value. Strangest of all was the +fact that the men had told him that even this ore was apparently +nothing to what there was; it had all come out of one single spot in +the creek, not the hundredth part of the whole claim. Lower down, where +they had thrown the big dam across to make the bed dry, they were +taking out this same stuff and even better, so they said, in cartloads. +The hydraulic dredges were tearing it from the bed of the creek all +day, and at night a great circuit of arc lights gleamed and sputtered +over the roaring labour of the friends of geological research. + +Thus had the Erie Auriferous Consolidated broken in a tidal wave over +financial circles. On the Stock Exchange, in the downtown offices, and +among the palm trees of the Mausoleum Club they talked of nothing else. +And so great was the power of the wave that it washed Tomlinson and his +wife along on the crest of it, and landed them fifty feet up in their +thousand-dollar suite in the Grand Palaver. And as a result of it +"mother" wore a beetle-back jacket; and Tomlinson received a hundred +telegrams a day, and Fred quit school and ate chocolates. + +But in the business world the most amazing thing about it was the +wonderful shrewdness of Tomlinson. + +The first sign of it had been that he had utterly refused to allow the +Erie Auriferous Consolidated (as the friends of geology called +themselves) to take over the top half of the Tomlinson farm. For the +bottom part he let them give him one-half of the preferred stock in the +company in return for their supply of development capital. This was +their own proposition; in fact, they reckoned that in doing this they +were trading about two hundred thousand dollars' worth of machinery +for, say ten million dollars of gold. But it frightened them when +Tomlinson said "Yes" to the offer, and when he said that as to common +stock they might keep it, it was no use to him, they were alarmed and +uneasy till they made him take a block of it for the sake of market +confidence. + +But the top end of the farm he refused to surrender, and the friends of +applied geology knew that there must be something pretty large behind +this refusal; the more so as the reason that Tomlinson gave was such a +simple one. He said that he didn't want to part with the top end of the +place because his father was buried on it beside the creek, and so he +didn't want the dam higher up, not for any consideration. + +This was regarded in business circles as a piece of great shrewdness. +"Says his father is buried there, eh? Devilish shrewd that!" + +It was so long since any of the members of the Exchange or the +Mausoleum Club had wandered into such places as Cahoga County that they +did not know that there was nothing strange in what Tomlinson said. His +father was buried there, on the farm itself, in a grave overgrown with +raspberry bushes, and with a wooden headstone encompassed by a square +of cedar rails, and slept as many another pioneer of Cahoga is sleeping. + +"Devilish smart idea!" they said; and forthwith half the financial men +of the city buried their fathers, or professed to have done so, in +likely places--along the prospective right-of-way of a suburban +railway, for example; in fact, in any place that marked them out for +the joyous resurrection of an expropriation purchase. + +Thus the astounding shrewdness of Tomlinson rapidly became a legend, +the more so as he turned everything he touched to gold. + +They narrated little stories of him in the whiskey-and-soda corners of +the Mausoleum Club. + +"I put it to him in a casual way," related, for example, Mr. Lucullus +Fyshe, "casually, but quite frankly. I said, 'See here, this is just a +bagatelle to you, no doubt, but to me it might be of some use. T. C. +bonds,' I said, 'have risen twenty-two and a half in a week. You know +as well as I do that they are only collateral trust, and that the stock +underneath never could and never can earn a par dividend. Now,' I said, +'Mr. Tomlinson, tell me what all that means?' Would you believe it, the +fellow looked me right in the face in that queer way he has and he +said, 'I don't know!'" + +"He said he didn't know!" repeated the listener, in a tone of amazement +and respect. "By Jove! eh? he said he didn't know! The man's a wizard!" + +"And he looked as if he didn't!" went on Mr. Fyshe. "That's the deuce +of it. That man when he wants to can put on a look, sir, that simply +means nothing, absolutely nothing." + +In this way Tomlinson had earned his name of the Wizard of American +Finance. + +And meantime Tomlinson and his wife, within their suite at the Grand +Palaver, had long since reached their decision. For there was one +aspect and only one in which Tomlinson was really and truly a wizard. +He saw clearly that for himself and his wife the vast fortune that had +fallen to them was of no manner of use. What did it bring them? The +noise and roar of the City in place of the silence of the farm and the +racket of the great rotunda to drown the remembered murmur of the +waters of the creek. + +So Tomlinson had decided to rid himself of his new wealth, save only +such as might be needed to make his son a different kind of man from +himself. + +"For Fred, of course," he said, "it's different. But out of such a lot +as that it'll be easy to keep enough for him. It'll be a grand thing +for Fred, this money. He won't have to grow up like you and me. He'll +have opportunities we never got." He was getting them already. The +opportunity to wear seven dollar patent leather shoes and a bell-shaped +overcoat with a silk collar, to lounge into moving-picture shows and +eat chocolates and smoke cigarettes--all these opportunities he was +gathering immediately. Presently, when he learned his way round a +little, he would get still bigger ones. + +"He's improving fast," said mother. She was thinking of his patent +leather shoes. + +"He's popular," said his father. "I notice it downstairs. He sasses any +of them just as he likes; and no matter how busy they are, as soon as +they see it's Fred they're all ready to have a laugh with him." + +Certainly they were, as any hotel clerk with plastered hair is ready to +laugh with the son of a multimillionaire. It's a certain sense of +humour that they develop. + +"But for us, mother," said the Wizard, "we'll be rid of it. The gold is +there. It's not right to keep it back. But we'll just find a way to +pass it on to folks that need it worse than we do." + +For a time they had thought of giving away the fortune. But how? Who +did they know that would take it? + +It had crossed their minds--for who could live in the City a month +without observing the imposing buildings of Plutoria University, as +fine as any departmental store in town?--that they might give it to the +college. + +But there, it seemed, the way was blocked. + +"You see, mother," said the puzzled Wizard, "we're not known. We're +strangers. I'd look fine going up there to the college and saying, 'I +want to give you people a million dollars.' They'd laugh at me!" + +"But don't one read it in the papers," his wife had protested, "where +Mr. Carnegie gives ever so much to the colleges, more than all we've +got, and they take it?" + +"That's different," said the Wizard. "He's in with them. They all know +him. Why, he's a sort of chairman of different boards of colleges, and +he knows all the heads of the schools, and the professors, so it's no +wonder that if he offers to give a pension, or anything, they take it. +Just think of me going up to one of the professors up there in the +middle of his teaching and saying; 'I'd like to give you a pension for +life!' Imagine it! Think what he'd say!" + +But the Tomlinsons couldn't imagine it, which was just as well. + +So it came about that they had embarked on their system. Mother, who +knew most arithmetic, was the leading spirit. She tracked out all the +stocks and bonds in the front page of the _Financial Undertone_, and on +her recommendation the Wizard bought. They knew the stocks only by +their letters, but this itself gave a touch of high finance to their +deliberations. + +"I'd buy some of this R.O.P. if I was you," said mother; "it's gone +down from 127 to 107 in two days, and I reckon it'll be all gone in ten +days or so." + +"Wouldn't 'G.G. deb.' be better? It goes down quicker." + +"Well, it's a quick one," she assented, "but it don't go down so +steady. You can't rely on it. You take ones like R.O.P. and T.R.R. +pfd.; they go down all the time and you know where you are." + +As a result of which, Tomlinson would send his instructions. He did it +all from the rotunda in a way of his own that he had evolved with a +telegraph clerk who told him the names of brokers, and he dealt thus +through brokers whom he never saw. As a result of this, the sluggish +R.O.P. and T.R.R. would take as sudden a leap into the air as might a +mule with a galvanic shock applied to its tail. At once the word was +whispered that the "Tomlinson interests" were after the R.O.P. to +reorganize it, and the whole floor of the Exchange scrambled for the +stock. + +And so it was that after a month or two of these operations the Wizard +of Finance saw himself beaten. + +"It's no good, mother," he repeated, "it's just a kind of Destiny." + +Destiny perhaps it was. + +But, if the Wizard of Finance had known it, at this very moment when he +sat with the Aladdin's palace of his golden fortune reared so strangely +about him, Destiny was preparing for him still stranger things. + +Destiny, so it would seem, was devising Its own ways and means of +dealing with Tomlinson's fortune. As one of the ways and means, Destiny +was sending at this moment as its special emissaries two huge, portly +figures, wearing gigantic goloshes, and striding downwards from the +halls of Plutoria University to the Grand Palaver Hotel. And one of +these was the gigantic Dr. Boomer, the president of the college, and +the other was his professor of Greek, almost as gigantic as himself. +And they carried in their capacious pockets bundles of pamphlets on +"Archaeological Remains of Mitylene," and the "Use of the Greek +Pluperfect," and little treatises such as "Education and Philanthropy," +by Dr. Boomer, and "The Excavation of Mitylene: An Estimate of Cost," +by Dr. Boyster, "Boomer on the Foundation and Maintenance of Chairs," +etc. + +Many a man in city finance who had seen Dr. Boomer enter his office +with a bundle of these monographs and a fighting glitter in his eyes +had sunk back in his chair in dismay. For it meant that Dr. Boomer had +tracked him out for a benefaction to the University, and that all +resistance was hopeless. + +When Dr. Boomer once laid upon a capitalist's desk his famous pamphlet +on the "Use of the Greek Pluperfect," it was as if an Arabian sultan +had sent the fatal bow-string to a condemned pasha, or Morgan the +buccaneer had served the death-sign on a shuddering pirate. + +So they came nearer and nearer, shouldering the passers-by. The sound +of them as they talked was like the roaring of the sea as Homer heard +it. Never did Castor and Pollux come surging into battle as Dr. Boomer +and Dr. Boyster bore down upon the Grand Palaver Hotel. + +Tomlinson, the Wizard of Finance, had hesitated about going to the +university. The university was coming to him. As for those millions of +his, he could take his choice--dormitories, apparatus, campuses, +buildings, endowment, anything he liked but choose he must. And if he +feared that, after all, his fortune was too vast even for such a +disposal, Dr. Boomer would show him how he might use it in digging up +ancient Mitylene, or modern Smyrna, or the lost cities of the Plain of +Pactolus. If the size of the fortune troubled him, Dr. Boomer would dig +him up the whole African Sahara from Alexandria to Morocco, and ask for +more. + +But if Destiny held all this for Tomlinson in its outstretched palm +before it, it concealed stranger things still beneath the folds of its +toga. + +There were enough surprises there to turn the faces of the whole +directorate of the Erie Auriferous Consolidated as yellow as the gold +they mined. + +For at this very moment, while the president of Plutoria University +drew nearer and nearer to the Grand Palaver Hotel, the senior professor +of geology was working again beside the blue flames in his darkened +laboratory. And this time there was no shaking excitement over him. Nor +were the labels that he marked, as sample followed sample in the tests, +the same as those of the previous marking. Not by any means. + +And his grave face as he worked in silence was as still as the stones +of the post-tertiary period. + + + +CHAPTER THREE: The Arrested Philanthropy of Mr. Tomlinson + +"This, Mr. Tomlinson, is our campus," said President Boomer as they +passed through the iron gates of Plutoria University. + +"For camping?" said the Wizard. + +"Not exactly," answered the president, "though it would, of course, +suit for that. _Nihil humunum alienum_, eh?" and he broke into a loud, +explosive laugh, while his spectacles irradiated that peculiar form of +glee derived from a Latin quotation by those able to enjoy it. Dr. +Boyster, walking on the other side of Mr. Tomlinson, joined in the +laugh in a deep, reverberating chorus. + +The two had the Wizard of Finance between them, and they were marching +him up to the University. He was taken along much as is an arrested man +who has promised to go quietly. They kept their hands off him, but they +watched him sideways through their spectacles. At the least sign of +restlessness they doused him with Latin. The Wizard of Finance, having +been marked out by Dr. Boomer and Dr. Boyster as a prospective +benefactor, was having Latin poured over him to reduce him to the +proper degree of plasticity. + +They had already put him through the first stage. They had, three days +ago, called on him at the Grand Palaver and served him with a pamphlet +on "The Excavation of Mitylene" as a sort of writ. Tomlinson and his +wife had looked at the pictures of the ruins, and from the appearance +of them they judged that Mitylene was in Mexico, and they said that it +was a shame to see it in that state and that the United States ought to +intervene. + +As the second stage on the path of philanthropy, the Wizard of Finance +was now being taken to look at the university. Dr. Boomer knew by +experience that no rich man could look at it without wanting to give it +money. + +And here the president had found that there is no better method of +dealing with businessmen than to use Latin on them. For other purposes +the president used other things. For example at a friendly dinner at +the Mausoleum Club where light conversation was in order, Dr. Boomer +chatted, as has been seen, on the archaeological remains of the +Navajos. In the same way, at Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's Dante luncheons, he +generally talked of the Italian _cinquecentisti_ and whether Gian Gobbo +della Scala had left a greater name than Can Grande della Spiggiola. +But such talk as that was naturally only for women. Businessmen are +much too shrewd for that kind of thing; in fact, so shrewd are they, as +President Boomer had long since discovered, that nothing pleases them +so much as the quiet, firm assumption that they know Latin. It is like +writing them up an asset. So it was that Dr. Boomer would greet a +business acquaintance with a roaring salutation of, "_Terque quaterque +beatus_," or stand wringing his hand off to the tune of "_Oh et +presidium et dulce decus meum_." + +This caught them every time. + +"You don't," said Tomlinson the Wizard in a hesitating tone as he +looked at the smooth grass of the campus, "I suppose, raise anything on +it?" + +"No, no; this is only for field sports," said the president; "_sunt +quos curriculo_--" + +To which Dr. Boyster on the other side added, like a chorus, "_pulverem +Olympicum_." + +This was their favourite quotation. It always gave President Boomer a +chance to speak of the final letter "m" in Latin poetry, and to say +that in his opinion the so-called elision of the final "m" was more +properly a dropping of the vowel with a repercussion of the two last +consonants. He supported this by quoting Ammianus, at which Dr. Boyster +exclaimed, "Pooh! Ammianus: more dog Latin!" and appealed to Mr. +Tomlinson as to whether any rational man nowadays cared what Ammianus +thought? + +To all of which Tomlinson answered never a word, but looked steadily +first at one and then at the other. Dr. Boomer said afterwards that the +penetration of Tomlinson was wonderful, and that it was excellent to +see how Boyster tried in vain to draw him; and Boyster said afterwards +that the way in which Tomlinson quietly refused to be led on by Boomer +was delicious, and that it was a pity that Aristophanes was not there +to do it justice. + +All of which was happening as they went in at the iron gates and up the +elm avenue of Plutoria University. + +The university, as everyone knows, stands with its great gates on +Plutoria Avenue, and with its largest buildings, those of the faculties +of industrial and mechanical science, fronting full upon the street. + +These buildings are exceptionally fine, standing fifteen stories high +and comparing favourably with the best departmental stores or factories +in the City. Indeed, after nightfall, when they are all lighted up for +the evening technical classes and when their testing machinery is in +full swing and there are students going in and out in overall suits, +people have often mistaken the university, or this newer part of it, +for a factory. A foreign visitor once said that the students looked +like plumbers, and President Boomer was so proud of it that he put the +phrase into his next Commencement address; and from there the +newspapers got it and the Associated Press took it up and sent it all +over the United States with the heading, "Have Appearance of Plumbers; +Plutoria University Congratulated on Character of Students," and it was +a proud day indeed for the heads of the Industrial Science faculty. + +But the older part of the university stands so quietly and modestly at +the top end of the elm avenue, so hidden by the leaves of it, that no +one could mistake it for a factory. This, indeed, was once the whole +university, and had stood there since colonial days under the name +Concordia College. It had been filled with generations of presidents +and professors of the older type with long white beards and rusty black +clothes, and salaries of fifteen hundred dollars. + +But the change both of name and of character from Concordia College to +Plutoria University was the work of President Boomer. He had changed it +from an old-fashioned college of the by-gone type to a university in +the true modern sense. At Plutoria they now taught everything. +Concordia College, for example, had no teaching of religion except +lectures on the Bible. Now they had lectures also on Confucianism, +Mohammedanism Buddhism, with an optional course on atheism for students +in the final year. + +And, of course, they had long since admitted women, and there were now +beautiful creatures with Cleo de Merode hair studying astronomy at +oaken desks and looking up at the teacher with eyes like comets. The +university taught everything and did everything. It had whirling +machines on the top of it that measured the speed of the wind, and deep +in its basements it measured earthquakes with a seismograph; it held +classes on forestry and dentistry and palmistry; it sent life classes +into the slums, and death classes to the city morgue. It offered such a +vast variety of themes, topics and subjects to the students, that there +was nothing that a student was compelled to learn, while from its own +presses in its own press-building it sent out a shower of bulletins and +monographs like driven snow from a rotary plough. + +In fact, it had become, as President Boomer told all the businessmen in +town, not merely a university, but a _universitas_ in the true sense, +and every one of its faculties was now a _facultas_ in the real +acceptance of the word, and its studies properly and truly _studia_; +indeed, if the businessmen would only build a few more dormitories and +put up enough money to form an adequate _fondatum_ or _fundum_, then +the good work might be looked upon as complete. + +As the three walked up the elm avenue there met them a little stream of +students with college books, and female students with winged-victory +hats, and professors with last year's overcoats. And some went past +with a smile and others with a shiver. + +"That's Professor Withers," said the president in a sympathetic voice +as one of the shivering figures went past; "poor Withers," and he +sighed. + +"What's wrong with him?" said the Wizard; "is he sick?" + +"No, not sick," said the president quietly and sadly, "merely +inefficient." + +"Inefficient?" + +"Unfortunately so. Mind you, I don't mean 'inefficient' in every sense. +By no means. If anyone were to come to me and say, 'Boomer, can you put +your hand for me on a first-class botanist?' I'd say, 'Take Withers.' +I'd say it in a minute." This was true. He would have. In fact, if +anyone had made this kind of rash speech, Dr. Boomer would have given +away half the professoriate. + +"Well, what's wrong with him?" repeated Tomlinson, "I suppose he ain't +quite up to the mark in some ways, eh?" + +"Precisely," said the president, "not quite up to the mark--a very +happy way of putting it. _Capax imperii nisi imperasset_, as no doubt +you are thinking to yourself. The fact is that Withers, though an +excellent fellow, can't manage large classes. With small classes he is +all right, but with large classes the man is lost. He can't handle +them." + +"He can't, eh?" said the Wizard. + +"No. But what can I do? There he is. I can't dismiss him. I can't +pension him. I've no money for it." + +Here the president slackened a little in his walk and looked sideways +at the prospective benefactor. But Tomlinson gave no sign. + +A second professorial figure passed them on the other side. + +"There again," said the president, "that's another case of +inefficiency--Professor Shottat, our senior professor of English." + +"What's wrong with _him_?" asked the Wizard. + +"He can't handle _small_ classes," said the president. "With large +classes he is really excellent, but with small ones the man is simply +hopeless." + +In this fashion, before Mr. Tomlinson had measured the length of the +avenue, he had had ample opportunity to judge of the crying need of +money at Plutoria University, and of the perplexity of its president. +He was shown professors who could handle the first year, but were +powerless with the second; others who were all right with the second +but broke down with the third, while others could handle the third but +collapsed with the fourth. There were professors who were all right in +their own subject, but perfectly impossible outside of it; others who +were so occupied outside of their own subject that they were useless +inside of it; others who knew their subject, but couldn't lecture; and +others again who lectured admirably, but didn't know their subject. + +In short it was clear--as it was meant to be--that the need of the +moment was a sum of money sufficient to enable the president to dismiss +everybody but himself and Dr. Boyster. The latter stood in a class all +by himself. He had known the president for forty-five years, ever since +he was a fat little boy with spectacles in a classical academy, +stuffing himself on irregular Greek verbs as readily as if on oysters. + +But it soon appeared that the need for dismissing the professors was +only part of the trouble. There were the buildings to consider. + +"This, I am ashamed to say," said Dr. Boomer, as they passed the +imitation Greek portico of the old Concordia College building, "is our +original home, the _fons et origo_ of our studies, our faculty of arts." + +It was indeed a dilapidated building, yet there was a certain majesty +about it, too, especially when one reflected that it had been standing +there looking much the same at the time when its students had trooped +off in a flock to join the army of the Potomac, and much the same, +indeed, three generations before that, when the classes were closed and +the students clapped three-cornered hats on their heads and were off to +enlist as minute men with flintlock muskets under General Washington. + +But Dr. Boomer's one idea was to knock the building down and to build +on its site a real _facultas_ ten storeys high, with elevators in it. + +Tomlinson looked about him humbly as he stood in the main hall. The +atmosphere of the place awed him. There were bulletins and time-tables +and notices stuck on the walls that gave evidence of the activity of +the place. "Professor Slithers will be unable to meet his classes +today," ran one of them, and another "Professor Withers will not meet +his classes this week," and another, "Owing to illness, Professor +Shottat will not lecture this month," while still another announced, +"Owing to the indisposition of Professor Podge, all botanical classes +are suspended, but Professor Podge hopes to be able to join in the +Botanical Picnic Excursion to Loon Lake on Saturday afternoon." You +could judge of the grinding routine of the work from the nature of +these notices. Anyone familiar with the work of colleges would not heed +it, but it shocked Tomlinson to think how often the professors of the +college were stricken down by overwork. + +Here and there in the hall, set into niches, were bronze busts of men +with Roman faces and bare necks, and the edge of a toga cast over each +shoulder. + +"Who would these be?" asked Tomlinson, pointing at them. "Some of the +chief founders and benefactors of the faculty," answered the president, +and at this the hopes of Tomlinson sank in his heart. For he realized +the class of man one had to belong to in order to be accepted as a +university benefactor. + +"A splendid group of men, are they not?" said the president. "We owe +them much. This is the late Mr. Hogworth, a man of singularly large +heart." Here he pointed to a bronze figure wearing a wreath of laurel +and inscribed GULIEMUS HOGWORTH, LITT. DOC. "He had made a great +fortune in the produce business and wishing to mark his gratitude to +the community he erected the anemometer, the wind-measure, on the roof +of the building, attaching to it no other condition than that his name +should be printed in the weekly reports immediately beside the velocity +of the wind. The figure beside him is the late Mr. Underbugg, who +founded our lectures on the Four Gospels on the sole stipulation that +henceforth any reference of ours to the four gospels should be coupled +with his name." + +"What's that after his name?" asked Tomlinson. + +"Litt. Doc.?" said the president. "Doctor of Letters, our honorary +degree. We are always happy to grant it to our benefactors by a vote of +the faculty." + +Here Dr. Boomer and Dr. Boyster wheeled half round and looked quietly +and steadily at the Wizard of Finance. To both their minds it was +perfectly plain that an honourable bargain was being struck. + +"Yes, Mr. Tomlinson," said the president, as they emerged from the +building, "no doubt you begin to realize our unhappy position. Money, +money, money," he repeated half-musingly. "If I had the money I'd have +that whole building down and dismantled in a fortnight." + +From the central building the three passed to the museum building, +where Tomlinson was shown a vast skeleton of a Diplodocus Maximus, and +was specially warned not to confuse it with the Dinosaurus Perfectus, +whose bones, however, could be bought if anyone, any man of large +heart; would come to the university and say straight out, "Gentlemen, +what can I do for you?" Better still, it appeared the whole museum +which was hopelessly antiquated, being twenty-five years old, could be +entirely knocked down if a sufficient sum was forthcoming; and its +curator, who was as ancient as the Dinosaurus itself, could be +dismissed on half-pay if any man had a heart large enough for the +dismissal. + +From the museum they passed to the library, where there were +full-length portraits of more founders and benefactors in long red +robes, holding scrolls of paper, and others sitting holding pens and +writing on parchment, with a Greek temple and a thunderstorm in the +background. + +And here again it appeared that the crying need of the moment was for +someone to come to the university and say, "Gentlemen, what can I do +for you?" On which the whole library, for it was twenty years old and +out of date, might be blown up with dynamite and carted away. + +But at all this the hopes of Tomlinson sank lower and lower. The red +robes and the scrolls were too much for him. + +From the library they passed to the tall buildings that housed the +faculty of industrial and mechanical science. And here again the same +pitiful lack of money was everywhere apparent. For example, in the +physical science department there was a mass of apparatus for which the +university was unable to afford suitable premises, and in the chemical +department there were vast premises for which the university was unable +to buy apparatus, and so on. Indeed it was part of Dr. Boomer's method +to get himself endowed first with premises too big for the apparatus, +and then by appealing to public spirit to call for enough apparatus to +more than fill the premises, by means of which system industrial +science at Plutoria University advanced with increasing and gigantic +strides. + +But most of all, the electric department interested the Wizard of +Finance. And this time his voice lost its hesitating tone and he looked +straight at Dr. Boomer as he began, + +"I have a boy--" + +"Ah!" said Dr. Boomer, with a huge ejaculation of surprise and relief; +"you have a boy!" + +There were volumes in his tone. What it meant was, "Now, indeed, we +have got you where we want you," and he exchanged a meaning look with +the professor of Greek. + +Within five minutes the president and Tomlinson and Dr. Boyster were +gravely discussing on what terms and in what way Fred might be admitted +to study in the faculty of industrial science. The president, on +learning that Fred had put in four years in Cahoga County Section No. 3 +School, and had been head of his class in ciphering, nodded his head +gravely and said it would simply be a matter of a _pro tanto_; that, in +fact, he felt sure that Fred might be admitted _ad eundem_. But the +real condition on which they meant to admit him was, of course, not +mentioned. + +One door only in the faculty of industrial and mechanical science they +did not pass, a heavy oak door at the end of a corridor bearing the +painted inscription: Geological and Metallurgical Laboratories. Stuck +in the door was a card with the words (they were conceived in the +courteous phrases of mechanical science, which is almost a branch of +business in the real sense): Busy--keep out. + +Dr. Boomer looked at the card. "Ah, yes," he said. "Gildas is no doubt +busy with his tests. We won't disturb him." The president was always +proud to find a professor busy; it looked well. + +But if Dr. Boomer had known what was going on behind the oaken door of +the Department of Geology and Metallurgy, he would have felt +considerably disturbed himself. + +For here again Gildas, senior professor of geology, was working among +his blue flames at a final test on which depended the fate of the Erie +Auriferous Consolidated and all connected with it. + +Before him there were some twenty or thirty packets of crumpled dust +and splintered ore that glittered on the testing-table. It had been +taken up from the creek along its whole length, at even spaces twenty +yards apart, by an expert sent down in haste by the directorate, after +Gildas's second report, and heavily bribed to keep his mouth shut. + +And as Professor Gildas stood and worked at the samples and tied them +up after analysis in little white cardboard boxes, he marked each one +very carefully and neatly with the words, PYRITES: WORTHLESS. + +Beside the professor worked a young demonstrator of last year's +graduation class. It was he, in fact, who had written the polite notice +on the card. + +"What is the stuff, anyway?" he asked. + +"A sulphuret of iron," said the professor, "or iron pyrites. In colour +and appearance it is practically identical with gold. Indeed, in all +ages," he went on, dropping at once into the classroom tone and +adopting the professional habit of jumping backwards twenty centuries +in order to explain anything properly, "it has been readily mistaken +for the precious metal. The ancients called it 'fool's gold.' Martin +Frobisher brought back four shiploads of it from Baffin Land thinking +that he had discovered an Eldorado. There are large deposits of it in +the mines of Cornwall, and it is just possible," here the professor +measured his words as if speaking of something that he wouldn't +promise, "that the Cassiterides of the Phoenicians contained deposits +of the same sulphuret. Indeed, I defy anyone," he continued, for he was +piqued in his scientific pride, "to distinguish it from gold without a +laboratory-test. In large quantities, I concede, its lack of weight +would betray it to a trained hand, but without testing its solubility +in nitric acid, or the fact of its burning with a blue flame under the +blow-pipe, it cannot be detected. In short, when crystallized in +dodecahedrons--" + +"Is it any good?" broke in the demonstrator. + +"Good?" said the professor. "Oh, you mean commercially? Not in the +slightest. Much less valuable than, let us say, ordinary mud or clay. +In fact, it is absolutely good for nothing." + +They were silent for a moment, watching the blue flames above the +brazier. + +Then Gildas spoke again. "Oddly enough," he said, "the first set of +samples were undoubtedly pure gold--not the faintest doubt of that. +That is the really interesting part of the matter. These gentlemen +concerned in the enterprise will, of course, lose their money, and I +shall therefore decline to accept the very handsome fee which they had +offered me for my services. But the main feature, the real point of +interest in this matter remains. Here we have undoubtedly a sporadic +deposit--what miners call a pocket--of pure gold in a Devonian +formation of the post-tertiary period. This once established, we must +revise our entire theory of the distribution of igneous and aqueous +rocks. In fact, I am already getting notes together for a paper for the +Pan-Geological under the heading, Auriferous Excretions in the Devonian +Strata: a Working Hypothesis. I hope to read it at the next meeting." + +The young demonstrator looked at the professor with one eye half-closed. + +"I don't think I would if I were you." he said. + +Now this young demonstrator knew nothing or practically nothing, of +geology, because he came of one of the richest and best families in +town and didn't need to. But he was a smart young man, dressed in the +latest fashion with brown boots and a crosswise tie, and he knew more +about money and business and the stock exchange in five minutes than +Professor Gildas in his whole existence. + +"Why not?" said the professor. + +"Why, don't you see what's happened?" + +"Eh?" said Gildas. + +"What happened to those first samples? When that bunch got interested +and planned to float the company? Don't you see? Somebody salted them +on you." + +"_Salted_ them on me?" repeated the professor, mystified. + +"Yes, salted them. Somebody got wise to what they were and swopped them +on you for the real thing, so as to get your certified report that the +stuff was gold." + +"I begin to see," muttered the professor. "Somebody exchanged the +samples, some person no doubt desirous of establishing the theory that +a sporadic outcropping of the sort might be found in a post-tertiary +formation. I see, I see. No doubt he intended to prepare a paper on it, +and prove his thesis by these tests. I see it all!" + +The demonstrator looked at the professor with a sort of pity. + +"You're on!" he said, and he laughed softly to himself. + + * * * * * + +"Well," said Dr. Boomer, after Tomlinson had left the university, "what +do you make of him?" The president had taken Dr. Boyster over to his +house beside the campus, and there in his study had given him a cigar +as big as a rope and taken another himself. This was a sign that Dr. +Boomer wanted Dr. Boyster's opinion in plain English, without any Latin +about it. + +"Remarkable man," said the professor of Greek; "wonderful penetration, +and a man of very few words. Of course his game is clear enough?" + +"Entirely so," asserted Dr. Boomer. + +"It's clear enough that he means to give the money on two conditions." + +"Exactly," said the president. + +"First that we admit his son, who is quite unqualified, to the senior +studies in electrical science, and second that we grant him the degree +of Doctor of Letters. Those are his terms." "Can we meet them?" + +"Oh, certainly. As to the son, there is no difficulty, of course; as to +the degree, it's only a question of getting the faculty to vote it. I +think we can manage it." + + * * * * * + +Vote it they did that very afternoon. True, if the members of the +faculty had known the things that were being whispered, and more than +whispered, in the City about Tomlinson and his fortune, no degree would +ever have been conferred on him. But it so happened that at that moment +the whole professoriate was absorbed in one of those great educational +crises which from time to time shake a university to its base. The +meeting of the faculty that day bid fair to lose all vestige of decorum +in the excitement of the moment. For, as Dean Elderberry Foible, the +head of the faculty, said, the motion that they had before them +amounted practically to a revolution. The proposal was nothing less +than the permission of the use of lead-pencils instead of pen and ink +in the sessional examinations of the university. Anyone conversant with +the inner life of a college will realize that to many of the +professoriate this was nothing less than a last wild onslaught of +socialistic democracy against the solid bulwarks of society. They must +fight it back or die on the walls. To others it was one more step in +the splendid progress of democratic education, comparable only to such +epoch-making things as the abandonment of the cap and gown, and the +omission of the word "sir" in speaking to a professor. + +No wonder that the fight raged. Elderberry Foible, his fluffed white +hair almost on end, beat in vain with his gavel for order. Finally, +Chang of Physiology, who was a perfect dynamo of energy and was known +frequently to work for three or four hours at a stretch, proposed that +the faculty should adjourn the question and meet for its further +discussion on the following Saturday morning. This revolutionary +suggestion, involving work on Saturday, reduced the meeting to a mere +turmoil, in the midst of which Elderberry Foible proposed that the +whole question of the use of lead-pencils should be adjourned till that +day six months, and that meantime a new special committee of seventeen +professors, with power to add to their number, to call witnesses and, +if need be, to hear them, should report on the entire matter _de novo_. +This motion, after the striking out of the words _de novo_ and the +insertion of _ab initio_, was finally carried, after which the faculty +sank back completely exhausted into its chair, the need of afternoon +tea and toast stamped on every face. + +And it was at this moment that President Boomer, who understood +faculties as few men have done, quietly entered the room, laid his silk +hat on a volume of Demosthenes, and proposed the vote of a degree of +Doctor of Letters for Edward Tomlinson. He said that there was no need +to remind the faculty of Tomlinson's services to the nation; they knew +them. Of the members of the faculty, indeed, some thought that he meant +the Tomlinson who wrote the famous monologue on the Iota Subscript, +while others supposed that he referred to the celebrated philosopher +Tomlinson, whose new book on the Indivisibility of the Inseparable was +just then maddening the entire world. In any case, they voted the +degree without a word, still faint with exhaustion. + + * * * * * + +But while the university was conferring on Tomlinson the degree of +Doctor of Letters, all over the City in business circles they were +conferring on him far other titles. "Idiot," "Scoundrel," "Swindler," +were the least of them. Every stock and share with which his name was +known to be connected was coming down with a run, wiping out the +accumulated profits of the Wizard at the rate of a thousand dollars a +minute. + +They not only questioned his honesty, but they went further and +questioned his business capacity. + +"The man," said Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, sitting in the Mausoleum Club and +breathing freely at last after having disposed of all his holdings in +the Erie Auriferous, "is an ignoramus. I asked him only the other day, +quite casually, a perfectly simple business question. I said to him. +'T.C. Bonds have risen twenty-two and a half in a week. You know and I +know that they are only collateral trust, and that the stock underneath +never could and never would earn a par dividend. Now,' I said, for I +wanted to test the fellow, 'tell me what that means?' Would you believe +me, he looked me right in the face in that stupid way of his, and he +said, 'I don't know!'" + +"He said he didn't know!" repeated the listener contemptuously; "the +man is a damn fool!" + + * * * * * + +The reason of all this was that the results of the researches of the +professor of geology were being whispered among the directorate of the +Erie Auriferous. And the directors and chief shareholders were busily +performing the interesting process called unloading. Nor did ever a +farmer of Cahoga County in haying time with a thunderstorm threatening, +unload with greater rapidity than did the major shareholders of the +Auriferous. Mr. Lucullus Fyshe traded off a quarter of his stock to an +unwary member of the Mausoleum Club at a drop of thirty per cent, and +being too prudent to hold the rest on any terms, he conveyed it at once +as a benefaction in trust to the Plutorian Orphans' and Foundlings' +Home; while the purchaser of Mr. Fyshe's stock, learning too late of +his folly, rushed for his lawyers to have the shares conveyed as a gift +to the Home for Incurables. + +Mr. Asmodeus Boulder transferred his entire holdings to the Imbeciles' +Relief Society, and Mr. Furlong, senior, passed his over to a Chinese +mission as fast as pen could traverse paper. + +Down at the office of Skinyer and Beatem, the lawyers of the company, +they were working overtime drawing up deeds and conveyances and trusts +in perpetuity, with hardly time to put them into typewriting. Within +twenty-four hours the entire stock of the company bid fair to be in the +hands of Idiots, Orphans, Protestants, Foundlings, Imbeciles, +Missionaries, Chinese, and other unfinancial people, with Tomlinson the +Wizard of Finance as the senior shareholder and majority control. And +whether the gentle Wizard, as he sat with mother planning his vast +benefaction to Plutoria University, would have felt more at home with +his new group of fellow-shareholders than his old, it were hard to say. + +But, meantime, at the office of Skinyer and Beatem all was activity. +For not only were they drafting the conveyances of the perpetual trusts +as fast as legal brains working overtime could do it, but in another +part of the office a section of the firm were busily making their +preparations against the expected actions for fraud and warrants of +distraint and injunctions against disposal of assets and the whole +battery of artillery which might open on them at any moment. And they +worked like a corps of military engineers fortifying an escarpment, +with the joy of battle in their faces. + +The storm might break at any moment. Already at the office of the +_Financial Undertone_ the type was set for a special extra with a +heading three inches high: + + COLLAPSE + OF THE ERIE CONSOLIDATED + ARREST OF THE MAN TOMLINSON + EXPECTED THIS AFTERNOON + +Skinyer and Beatem had paid the editor, who was crooked, two thousand +dollars cash to hold back that extra for twenty-four hours; and the +editor had paid the reporting staff, who were crooked, twenty-five +dollars each to keep the news quiet, and the compositors, who were also +crooked, ten dollars per man to hold their mouths shut till the +morning, with the result that from editors and sub-editors and +reporters and compositors the news went seething forth in a flood that +the Erie Auriferous Consolidated was going to shatter into fragments +like the bursting of a dynamite bomb. It rushed with a thousand +whispering tongues from street to street till it filled the corridors +of the law courts and the lobbies of the offices, and till every honest +man that held a share of the stock shivered in his tracks and reached +out to give, sell, or destroy it. Only the unwinking Idiots, and the +mild Orphans, and the calm Deaf mutes and the impassive Chinese held +tight to what they had. So gathered the storm, till all the town, like +the great rotunda of the Grand Palaver, was filled with a silent "call +for Mr. Tomlinson," voiceless and ominous. + +And while all this was happening, and while at Skinyer and Beatem's +they worked with frantic pens and clattering type there came a knock at +the door, hesitant and uncertain, and before the eyes of the astounded +office there stood in his wide-awake hat and long black coat the figure +of "the man Tomlinson" himself. + +And Skinyer, the senior partner, no sooner heard what Tomlinson wanted +than he dashed across the outer office to his partner's room with his +hyena face all excitement as he said: + +"Beatem, Beatem, come over to my room. This man is absolutely the +biggest thing in America. For sheer calmness and nerve I never heard of +anything to approach him. What do you think he wants to do?" + +"What?" said Beatem. + +"Why, he's giving his entire fortune to the university." + +"By Gad!" ejaculated Beatem, and the two lawyers looked at one another, +lost in admiration of the marvellous genius and assurance of Tomlinson. + + * * * * * + +Yet what had happened was very simple. + +Tomlinson had come back from the university filled with mingled hope +and hesitation. The university, he saw, needed the money and he hoped +to give it his entire fortune, to put Dr. Boomer in a position to +practically destroy the whole place. But, like many a modest man, he +lacked the assurance to speak out. He felt that up to the present the +benefactors of the university had been men of an entirely different +class from himself. It was mother who solved the situation for him. + +"Well, father," she said, "there's one thing I've learned already since +we've had money. If you want to get a thing done you can always find +people to do it for you if you pay them. Why not go to those lawyers +that manage things for the company and get them to arrange it all for +you with the college?" + +As a result, Tomlinson had turned up at the door of the Skinyer and +Beatem office. + + * * * * * + +"Quite so, Mr. Tomlinson," said Skinyer, with his pen already dipped in +the ink, "a perfectly simple matter. I can draw up a draft of +conveyance with a few strokes of the pen. In fact, we can do it on the +spot." + +What he meant was, "In fact, we can do it so fast that I can pocket a +fee of five hundred dollars right here and now while you have the money +to pay me." + +"Now then," he continued, "let us see how it is to run." + +"Well," said Tomlinson, "I want you to put it that I give all my stock +in the company to the university." + +"All of it?" said Skinyer, with a quiet smile to Beatem. + +"Every cent of it, sir," said Tomlinson; "just write down that I give +all of it to the college." + +"Very good," said Skinyer, and he began to write, "I, so-and-so, and +so-and-so, of the county of so-and-so--Cahoga, I think you said, Mr. +Tomlinson?" + +"Yes, sir," said the Wizard, "I was raised there." + +"--do hereby give, assign, devise, transfer, and the transfer is hereby +given, devised and assigned, all those stocks, shares, hereditaments, +etc., which I hold in the etc., etc., all, several and whatever--you +will observe, Mr. Tomlinson, I am expressing myself with as great +brevity as possible--to that institution, academy, college, school, +university, now known and reputed to be Plutoria University, of the +city of etc., etc." + +He paused a moment. "Now what special objects or purposes shall I +indicate?" he asked. + +Whereupon Tomlinson explained as best he could, and Skinyer, working +with great rapidity, indicated that the benefaction was to include a +Demolition Fund for the removal of buildings, a Retirement Fund for the +removal of professors, an Apparatus Fund for the destruction of +apparatus, and a General Sinking Fund for the obliteration of anything +not otherwise mentioned. + +"And I'd like to do something, if I could, for Mr. Boomer himself, just +as man to man," said Tomlinson. + +"All right," said Beatem, and he could hardly keep his face straight. +"Give him a chunk of the stock--give him half a million." + +"I will," said Tomlinson; "he deserves it." + +"Undoubtedly," said Mr. Skinyer. + +And within a few minutes the whole transaction was done, and Tomlinson, +filled with joy, was wringing the hands of Skinyer and Beatem, and +telling them to name their own fee. + +They had meant to, anyway. + + * * * * * + +"Is that legal, do you suppose?" said Beatem to Skinyer, after the +Wizard had gone. "Will it hold water?" + +"Oh, I don't think so," said Skinyer, "not for a minute. In fact, +rather the other way. If they make an arrest for fraudulent flotation, +this conveyance, I should think, would help to send him to the +penitentiary. But I very much doubt if they can arrest him. Mind you, +the fellow is devilish shrewd. You know, and I know that he planned +this whole flotation with a full knowledge of the fraud. _You_ and _I_ +know it--very good--but we know it more from our trained instinct in +such things than by any proof. The fellow has managed to surround +himself with such an air of good faith from start to finish that it +will be deuced hard to get at him." + +"What will he do now?" said Beatem. + +"I tell you what he'll do. Mark my words. Within twenty-four hours +he'll clear out and be out of the state, and if they want to get him +they'll have to extradite. I tell you he's a man of extraordinary +capacity. The rest of us are nowhere beside him." + +In which, perhaps, there was some truth. + + * * * * * + +"Well, mother," said the Wizard, when he reached the thousand-dollar +suite, after his interview with Skinyer and Beatem, his face irradiated +with simple joy, "it's done. I've put the college now in a position it +never was in before, nor any other college; the lawyers say so +themselves." + +"That's good," said mother. + +"Yes, and it's a good thing I didn't lose the money when I tried to. +You see, mother, what I hadn't realized was the good that could be done +with all that money if a man put his heart into it. They can start in +as soon as they like and tear down those buildings. My! but it's just +wonderful what you can do with money. I'm glad I didn't lose it!" + +So they talked far into the evening. That night they slept in an +Aladdin's palace filled with golden fancies. + +And in the morning the palace and all its visions fell tumbling about +their heads in sudden and awful catastrophe. For with Tomlinson's first +descent to the rotunda it broke. The whole great space seemed filled +with the bulletins and the broadside sheets of the morning papers, the +crowd surging to and fro buying the papers, men reading them as they +stood, and everywhere in great letters there met his eye: + + COLLAPSE + OF THE ERIE AURIFEROUS + + THE GREAT GOLD SWINDLE + + ARREST OF THE MAN TOMLINSON + EXPECTED THIS MORNING + +So stood the Wizard of Finance beside a pillar, the paper fluttering in +his hand, his eyes fixed, while about him a thousand eager eyes and +rushing tongues sent shame into his stricken heart. + +And there his boy Fred, sent from upstairs, found him; and at the sight +of the seething crowd and his father's stricken face, aged as it seemed +all in a moment, the boy's soul woke within him. What had happened he +could not tell, only that his father stood there, dazed, beaten, and +staring at him on every side in giant letters: + + ARREST OF THE MAN TOMLINSON + +"Come, father come upstairs," he said, and took him by the arm, +dragging him through the crowd. + +In the next half-hour as they sat and waited for the arrest in the +false grandeur of the thousand-dollar suite-Tomlinson, his wife, and +Fred-the boy learnt more than all the teaching of the industrial +faculty of Plutoria University could have taught him in a decade. +Adversity laid its hand upon him, and at its touch his adolescent heart +turned to finer stuff than the salted gold of the Erie Auriferous. As +he looked upon his father's broken figure waiting meekly for arrest, +and his mother's blubbered face, a great wrath burned itself into his +soul. + +"When the sheriff comes--" said Tomlinson, and his lip trembled as he +spoke. He had no other picture of arrest than that. + +"They can't arrest you, father," broke out the boy. "You've done +nothing. You never swindled them. I tell you, if they try to arrest +you, I'll--" and his voice broke and stopped upon a sob, and his hands +clenched in passion. + +"You stay here, you and mother. I'll go down. Give me your money and +I'll go and pay them and we'll get out of this and go home. They can't +stop us; there's nothing to arrest you for." + +Nor was there. Fred paid the bill unmolested, save for the prying eyes +and babbling tongues of the rotunda. + +And a few hours from that, while the town was still ringing with news +of his downfall, the Wizard with his wife and son walked down from +their thousand-dollar suite into the corridor, their hands burdened +with their satchels. A waiter, with something between a sneer and an +obsequious smile upon his face, reached out for the valises, wondering +if it was still worth while. + +"You get to hell out of that!" said Fred. He had put on again his rough +store suit in which he had come from Cahoga County, and there was a +dangerous look about his big shoulders and his set jaw. And the waiter +slunk back. + +So did they pass, unarrested and unhindered, through corridor and +rotunda to the outer portals of the great hotel. + +Beside the door of the Palaver as they passed out was a tall official +with a uniform and a round hat. He was called by the authorities a +_chasseur_ or a _commissionaire_, or some foreign name to mean that he +did nothing. + +At the sight of him the Wizard's face flushed for a moment, with a look +of his old perplexity. + +"I wonder," he began to murmur, "how much I ought--" + +"Not a damn cent, father," said Fred, as he shouldered past the +magnificent _chasseur_; "let him work." + +With which admirable doctrine the Wizard and his son passed from the +portals of the Grand Palaver. + + * * * * * + +Nor was there any arrest either then or later. In spite of the +expectations of the rotunda and the announcements of the _Financial +Undertone_, the "man Tomlinson" was _not_ arrested, neither as he left +the Grand Palaver nor as he stood waiting at the railroad station with +Fred and mother for the outgoing train for Cahoga County. + +There was nothing to arrest him for. That was not the least strange +part of the career of the Wizard of Finance. For when all the affairs +of the Erie Auriferous Consolidated were presently calculated up by the +labours of Skinyer and Beatem and the legal representatives of the +Orphans and the Idiots and the Deaf-mutes they resolved themselves into +the most beautiful and complete cipher conceivable. The salted gold +about paid for the cost of the incorporation certificate: the +development capital had disappeared, and those who lost most preferred +to say the least about it; and as for Tomlinson, if one added up his +gains on the stock market before the fall and subtracted his bill at +the Grand Palaver and the thousand dollars which he gave to Skinyer and +Beatem to recover his freehold on the lower half of his farm, and the +cost of three tickets to Cahoga station, the debit and credit account +balanced to a hair. + +Thus did the whole fortune of Tomlinson vanish in a night, even as the +golden palace seen in the mirage of a desert sunset may fade before the +eyes of the beholder, and leave no trace behind. + + * * * * * + +It was some months after the collapse of the Erie Auriferous that the +university conferred upon Tomlinson the degree of Doctor of Letters _in +absentia_. A university must keep its word, and Dean Elderberry Foible, +who was honesty itself, had stubbornly maintained that a vote of the +faculty of arts once taken and written in the minute book became as +irrefragable as the Devonian rock itself. + +So the degree was conferred. And Dean Elderberry Foible, standing in a +long red gown before Dr. Boomer, seated in a long blue gown, read out +after the ancient custom of the college the Latin statement of the +award of the degree of Doctor of Letters, "Eduardus Tomlinsonius, vir +clarrisimus, doctissimus, praestissimus," and a great many other things +all ending in _issimus_. + +But the recipient was not there to receive. He stood at that moment +with his boy Fred on a windy hillside beside Lake Erie, where +Tomlinson's Creek ran again untrammelled to the lake. Nor was the scene +altered to the eye, for Tomlinson and his son had long since broken a +hole in the dam with pickaxe and crowbar, and day by day the angry +water carried down the vestiges of the embankment till all were gone. +The cedar poles of the electric lights had been cut into fence-rails; +the wooden shanties of the Italian gang of Auriferous workers had been +torn down and split into fire wood; and where they had stood, the +burdocks and the thistles of the luxuriant summer conspired to hide the +traces of their shame. Nature reached out its hand and drew its +coverlet of green over the grave of the vanished Eldorado. + +And as the Wizard and his son stood upon the hillside, they saw nothing +but the land sloping to the lake and the creek murmuring again to the +willows, while the off-shore wind rippled the rushes of the shallow +water. + + + +CHAPTER FOUR: The Yahi-Bahi Oriental Society of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown + +Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown lived on Plutoria Avenue in a vast sandstone +palace, in which she held those fashionable entertainments which have +made the name of Rasselyer-Brown what it is. Mr. Rasselyer-Brown lived +there also. + +The exterior of the house was more or less a model of the facade of an +Italian palazzo of the sixteenth century. If one questioned Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown at dinner in regard to this (which was only a fair +return for drinking five dollar champagne), she answered that the +facade was _cinquecentisti_, but that it reproduced also the Saracenic +mullioned window of the Siennese School. But if the guest said later in +the evening to Mr. Rasselyer-Brown that he understood that his house +was _cinquecentisti_, he answered that he guessed it was. After which +remark and an interval of silence, Mr. Rasselyer-Brown would probably +ask the guest if he was dry. + +So from that one can tell exactly the sort of people the +Rasselyer-Browns were. + +In other words, Mr. Rasselyer-Brown was a severe handicap to Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown. He was more than that; the word isn't strong enough. +He was, as Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown herself confessed to her confidential +circle of three hundred friends, a drag. He was also a tie, and a +weight, and a burden, and in Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's religious moments a +crucifix. Even in the early years of their married life, some twenty or +twenty-five years ago, her husband had been a drag on her by being in +the coal and wood business. It is hard for a woman to have to realize +that her husband is making a fortune out of coal and wood and that +people know it. It ties one down. What a woman wants most of all--this, +of course, is merely a quotation from Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's own +thoughts as expressed to her three hundred friends--is room to expand, +to grow. The hardest thing in the world is to be stifled: and there is +nothing more stifling than a husband who doesn't know a Giotto from a +Carlo Dolci, but who can distinguish nut coal from egg and is never +asked to dinner without talking about the furnace. + +These, of course, were early trials. They had passed to some extent, or +were, at any rate, garlanded with the roses of time. + +But the drag remained. + +Even when the retail coal and wood stage was long since over, it was +hard to have to put up with a husband who owned a coal mine and who +bought pulp forests instead of illuminated missals of the twelfth +century. A coal mine is a dreadful thing at a dinner-table. It humbles +one so before one's guests. + +It wouldn't have been so bad--this Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown herself +admitted--if Mr. Rasselyer-Brown _did_ anything. This phrase should be +clearly understood. It meant if there was any one thing that he _did_. +For instance if he had only _collected_ anything. Thus, there was Mr. +Lucullus Fyshe, who made soda-water, but at the same time everybody +knew that he had the best collection of broken Italian furniture on the +continent; there wasn't a sound piece among the lot. + +And there was the similar example of old Mr. Feathertop. He didn't +exactly _collect_ things; he repudiated the name. He was wont to say, +"Don't call me a collector, I'm _not_. I simply pick things up. Just +where I happen to be, Rome, Warsaw, Bucharest, anywhere"--and it is to +be noted what fine places these are to happen to be. And to think that +Mr. Rasselyer-Brown would never put his foot outside of the United +States! Whereas Mr. Feathertop would come back from what he called a +run to Europe, and everybody would learn in a week that he had picked +up the back of a violin in Dresden (actually discovered it in a violin +shop), and the lid of an Etruscan kettle (he had lighted on it, by pure +chance, in a kettle shop in Etruria), and Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown would +feel faint with despair at the nonentity of her husband. + +So one can understand how heavy her burden was. + +"My dear," she often said to her bosom friend, Miss Snagg, "I shouldn't +mind things so much" (the things she wouldn't mind were, let us say, +the two million dollars of standing timber which Brown Limited, the +ominous business name of Mr. Rasselyer-Brown, were buying that year) +"if Mr. Rasselyer-Brown _did_ anything. But he does _nothing_. Every +morning after breakfast off to his wretched office, and never back till +dinner, and in the evening nothing but his club, or some business +meeting. One would think he would have more ambition. How I wish I had +been a man." + +It was certainly a shame. + +So it came that, in almost everything she undertook Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown had to act without the least help from her husband. +Every Wednesday, for instance, when the Dante Club met at her house +(they selected four lines each week to meditate on, and then discussed +them at lunch), Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown had to carry the whole burden of +it--her very phrase, "the whole burden"--alone. Anyone who has carried +four lines of Dante through a Moselle lunch knows what a weight it is. + +In all these things her husband was useless, quite useless. It is not +right to be ashamed of one's husband. And to do her justice, Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown always explained to her three hundred intimates that +she was _not_ ashamed of him; in fact, that she _refused_ to be. But it +was hard to see him brought into comparison at their own table with +superior men. Put him, for instance, beside Mr. Sikleigh Snoop, the +sex-poet, and where was he? Nowhere. He couldn't even understand what +Mr. Snoop was saying. And when Mr. Snoop would stand on the hearth-rug +with a cup of tea balanced in his hand, and discuss whether sex was or +was not the dominant note in Botticelli, Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown would be +skulking in a corner in his ill-fitting dress suit. His wife would +often catch with an agonized ear such scraps of talk as, "When I was +first in the coal and wood business," or, "It's a coal that burns +quicker than egg, but it hasn't the heating power of nut," or even in a +low undertone the words, "If you're feeling _dry_ while he's reading--" +And this at a time when everybody in the room ought to have been +listening to Mr. Snoop. + +Nor was even this the whole burden of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. There was +another part of it which was perhaps more _real_, though Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown herself never put it into words. In fact, of this part +of her burden she never spoke, even to her bosom friend Miss Snagg; nor +did she talk about it to the ladies of the Dante Club, nor did she make +speeches on it to the members of the Women's Afternoon Art Society, nor +to the Monday Bridge Club. + +But the members of the Bridge Club and the Art Society and the Dante +Club all talked about it among themselves. + +Stated very simply, it was this: Mr. Rasselyer-Brown drank. It was not +meant that he was a drunkard or that he drank too much, or anything of +that sort. He drank. That was all. + +There was no excess about it. Mr. Rasselyer-Brown, of course, began the +day with an eye-opener--and after all, what alert man does not wish his +eyes well open in the morning? He followed it usually just before +breakfast with a bracer--and what wiser precaution can a businessman +take than to brace his breakfast? On his way to business he generally +had his motor stopped at the Grand Palaver for a moment, if it was a +raw day, and dropped in and took something to keep out the damp. If it +was a cold day he took something to keep out the cold, and if it was +one of those clear, sunny days that are so dangerous to the system he +took whatever the bartender (a recognized health expert) suggested to +tone the system up. After which he could sit down in his office and +transact more business, and bigger business, in coal, charcoal, wood, +pulp, pulpwood, and woodpulp, in two hours than any other man in the +business could in a week. Naturally so. For he was braced, and propped, +and toned up, and his eyes had been opened, and his brain cleared, till +outside of very big business, indeed, few men were on a footing with +him. + +In fact, it was business itself which had compelled Mr. Rasselyer-Brown +to drink. It is all very well for a junior clerk on twenty dollars a +week to do his work on sandwiches and malted milk. In big business it +is not possible. When a man begins to rise in business, as Mr. +Rasselyer-Brown had begun twenty-five years ago, he finds that if he +wants to succeed he must cut malted milk clear out. In any position of +responsibility a man has got to drink. No really big deal can be put +through without it. If two keen men, sharp as flint, get together to +make a deal in which each intends to outdo the other, the only way to +succeed is for them to adjourn to some such place as the luncheon-room +of the Mausoleum Club and both get partially drunk. This is what is +called the personal element in business. And, beside it, plodding +industry is nowhere. + +Most of all do these principles hold true in such manly out-of-door +enterprises as the forest and timber business, where one deals +constantly with chief rangers, and pathfinders, and wood-stalkers, +whose very names seem to suggest a horn of whiskey under a hemlock tree. + +But--let it be repeated and carefully understood--there was no excess +about Mr. Rasselyer-Brown's drinking. Indeed, whatever he might be +compelled to take during the day, and at the Mausoleum Club in the +evening, after his return from his club at night Mr. Rasselyer-Brown +made it a fixed rule to take nothing. He might, perhaps, as he passed +into the house, step into the dining-room and take a very small drink +at the sideboard. But this he counted as part of the return itself, and +not after it. And he might, if his brain were over-fatigued, drop down +later in the night in his pajamas and dressing-gown when the house was +quiet, and compose his mind with a brandy and water, or something +suitable to the stillness of the hour. But this was not really a drink. +Mr. Rasselyer-Brown called it a _nip_; and of course any man may need a +_nip_ at a time when he would scorn a drink. + + * * * * * + +But after all, a woman may find herself again in her daughter. There, +at least, is consolation. For, as Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown herself +admitted, her daughter, Dulphemia, was herself again. There were, of +course, differences, certain differences of face and appearance. Mr. +Snoop had expressed this fact exquisitely when he said that it was the +difference between a Burne-Jones and a Dante Gabriel Rossetti. But even +at that the mother and daughter were so alike that people, certain +people, were constantly mistaking them on the street. And as everybody +that mistook them was apt to be asked to dine on five-dollar champagne +there was plenty of temptation towards error. + +There is no doubt that Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown was a girl of +remarkable character and intellect. So is any girl who has beautiful +golden hair parted in thick bands on her forehead, and deep blue eyes +soft as an Italian sky. + +Even the oldest and most serious men in town admitted that in talking +to her they were aware of a grasp, a reach, a depth that surprised +them. Thus old Judge Longerstill, who talked to her at dinner for an +hour on the jurisdiction of the Interstate Commerce Commission, felt +sure from the way in which she looked up in his face at intervals and +said, "How interesting!" that she had the mind of a lawyer. And Mr. +Brace, the consulting engineer, who showed her on the table-cloth at +dessert with three forks and a spoon the method in which the overflow +of the spillway of the Gatun Dam is regulated, felt assured, from the +way she leaned her face on her hand sideways and said, "How +extraordinary!" that she had the brain of an engineer. Similarly +foreign visitors to the social circles of the city were delighted with +her. Viscount FitzThistle, who explained to Dulphemia for half an hour +the intricacies of the Irish situation, was captivated at the quick +grasp she showed by asking him at the end, without a second's +hesitation, "And which are the Nationalists?" + +This kind of thing represents female intellect in its best form. Every +man that is really a man is willing to recognize it at once. As to the +young men, of course they flocked to the Rasselyer-Brown residence in +shoals. There were batches of them every Sunday afternoon at five +o'clock, encased in long black frock-coats, sitting very rigidly in +upright chairs, trying to drink tea with one hand. One might see +athletic young college men of the football team trying hard to talk +about Italian music; and Italian tenors from the Grand Opera doing +their best to talk about college football. There were young men in +business talking about art, and young men in art talking about +religion, and young clergymen talking about business. Because, of +course, the Rasselyer-Brown residence was the kind of cultivated home +where people of education and taste are at liberty to talk about things +they don't know, and to utter freely ideas that they haven't got. It +was only now and again, when one of the professors from the college +across the avenue came booming into the room, that the whole +conversation was pulverized into dust under the hammer of accurate +knowledge. + +The whole process was what was called, by those who understood such +things, a _salon_. Many people said that Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's +afternoons at home were exactly like the delightful _salons_ of the +eighteenth century: and whether the gatherings were or were not +_salons_ of the eighteenth century, there is no doubt that Mr. +Rasselyer-Brown, under whose care certain favoured guests dropped +quietly into the back alcove of the dining-room, did his best to put +the gathering on a par with the best saloons of the twentieth. + +Now it so happened that there had come a singularly slack moment in the +social life of the City. The Grand Opera had sung itself into a huge +deficit and closed. There remained nothing of it except the efforts of +a committee of ladies to raise enough money to enable Signor Puffi to +leave town, and the generous attempt of another committee to gather +funds in order to keep Signor Pasti in the City. Beyond this, opera was +dead, though the fact that the deficit was nearly twice as large as it +had been the year before showed that public interest in music was +increasing. It was indeed a singularly trying time of the year. It was +too early to go to Europe; and too late to go to Bermuda. It was too +warm to go south, and yet still too cold to go north. In fact, one was +almost compelled to stay at home--which was dreadful. + +As a result Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown and her three hundred friends moved +backwards and forwards on Plutoria Avenue, seeking novelty in vain. +They washed in waves of silk from tango teas to bridge afternoons. They +poured in liquid avalanches of colour into crowded receptions, and they +sat in glittering rows and listened to lectures on the enfranchisement +of the female sex. But for the moment all was weariness. + +Now it happened, whether by accident or design, that just at this +moment of general _ennui_ Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown and her three hundred +friends first heard of the presence in the city of Mr. Yahi-Bahi, the +celebrated Oriental mystic. He was so celebrated that nobody even +thought of asking who he was or where he came from. They merely told +one another, and repeated it, that he was _the_ celebrated Yahi-Bahi. +They added for those who needed the knowledge that the name was +pronounced Yahhy-Bahhy, and that the doctrine taught by Mr. Yahi-Bahi +was Boohooism. This latter, if anyone inquired further, was explained +to be a form of Shoodooism, only rather more intense. In fact, it was +esoteric--on receipt of which information everybody remarked at once +how infinitely superior the Oriental peoples are to ourselves. + +Now as Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown was always a leader in everything that was +done in the best circles on Plutoria Avenue, she was naturally among +the first to visit Mr. Yahi-Bahi. + +"My dear," she said, in describing afterwards her experience to her +bosom friend, Miss Snagg, "it was _most_ interesting. We drove away +down to the queerest part of the City, and went to the strangest little +house imaginable, up the narrowest stairs one ever saw--quite Eastern, +in fact, just like a scene out of the Koran." + +"How fascinating!" said Miss Snagg. But as a matter of fact, if Mr. +Yahi-Bahi's house had been inhabited, as it might have been, by a +streetcar conductor or a railway brakesman, Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown +wouldn't have thought it in any way peculiar or fascinating. + +"It was all hung with curtains inside," she went on, "with figures of +snakes and Indian gods, perfectly weird." + +"And did you see Mr. Yahi-Bahi?" asked Miss Snagg. + +"Oh no, my dear. I only saw his assistant Mr. Ram Spudd; such a queer +little round man, a Bengalee, I believe. He put his back against a +curtain and spread out his arms sideways and wouldn't let me pass. He +said that Mr. Yahi-Bahi was in meditation and mustn't be disturbed." + +"How delightful!" echoed Miss Snagg. + +But in reality Mr. Yahi-Bahi was sitting behind the curtain eating a +ten-cent can of pork and beans. + +"What I like most about eastern people," went on Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown, +"is their wonderful delicacy of feeling. After I had explained about my +invitation to Mr. Yahi-Bahi to come and speak to us on Boohooism, and +was going away, I took a dollar bill out of my purse and laid it on the +table. You should have seen the way Mr. Ram Spudd took it. He made the +deepest salaam and said, 'Isis guard you, beautiful lady.' Such perfect +courtesy, and yet with the air of scorning the money. As I passed out I +couldn't help slipping another dollar into his hand, and he took it as +if utterly unaware of it, and muttered, 'Osiris keep you, O flower of +women!' And as I got into the motor I gave him another dollar and he +said, 'Osis and Osiris both prolong your existence, O lily of the +ricefield,' and after he had said it he stood beside the door of the +motor and waited without moving till I left. He had such a strange, +rapt look, as if he were still expecting something!" + +"How exquisite!" murmured Miss Snagg. It was her business in life to +murmur such things as this for Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. On the whole, +reckoning Grand Opera tickets and dinners, she did very well out of it. + +"Is it not?" said Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. "So different from our men. I +felt so ashamed of my chauffeur, our new man, you know; he seemed such +a contrast beside Ram Spudd. The rude way in which the opened the door, +and the rude way in which he climbed on to his own seat, and the +_rudeness_ with which he turned on the power--I felt positively +ashamed. And he so managed it--I am sure he did it on purpose--that the +car splashed a lot of mud over Mr. Spudd as it started." + +Yet, oddly enough, the opinion of other people on this new chauffeur, +that of Miss Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown herself, for example, to whose +service he was specially attached, was very different. + +The great recommendation of him in the eyes of Miss Dulphemia and her +friends, and the thing that gave him a touch of mystery was--and what +higher qualification can a chauffeur want?--that he didn't look like a +chauffeur at all. + +"My dear Dulphie," whispered Miss Philippa Furlong, the rector's sister +(who was at that moment Dulphemia's second self), as they sat behind +the new chauffeur, "don't tell me that he is a chauffeur, because he +_isn't_. He can chauffe, of course, but that's nothing." + +For the new chauffeur had a bronzed face, hard as metal, and a stern +eye; and when he put on a chauffeur's overcoat some how it seemed to +turn into a military greatcoat; and even when he put on the round cloth +cap of his profession it was converted straightway into a military +shako. And by Miss Dulphemia and her friends it was presently +reported--or was invented?--that he had served in the Philippines; +which explained at once the scar upon his forehead, which must have +been received at Iloilo, or Huila-Huila, or some other suitable place. + +But what affected Miss Dulphemia Brown herself was the splendid +rudeness of the chauffeur's manner. It was so different from that of +the young men of the _salon_. Thus, when Mr. Sikleigh Snoop handed her +into the car at any time he would dance about saying, "Allow me," and +"Permit me," and would dive forward to arrange the robes. But the +Philippine chauffeur merely swung the door open and said to Dulphemia, +"Get in," and then slammed it. + +This, of course, sent a thrill up the spine and through the imagination +of Miss Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown, because it showed that the chauffeur +was a gentleman in disguise. She thought it very probable that he was a +British nobleman, a younger son, very wild, of a ducal family; and she +had her own theories as to why he had entered the service of the +Rasselyer-Browns. To be quite candid about it, she expected that the +Philippine chauffeur meant to elope with her, and every time he drove +her from a dinner or a dance she sat back luxuriously, wishing and +expecting the elopement to begin. + + * * * * * + +But for the time being the interest of Dulphemia, as of everybody else +that was anybody at all, centred round Mr. Yahi-Bahi and the new cult +of Boohooism. + +After the visit of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown a great number of ladies, also +in motors, drove down to the house of Mr. Yahi-Bahi. And all of them, +whether they saw Mr. Yahi-Bahi himself or his Bengalee assistant, Mr. +Ram Spudd, came back delighted. + +"Such exquisite tact!" said one. "Such delicacy! As I was about to go I +laid a five dollar gold piece on the edge of the little table. Mr. +Spudd scarcely seemed to see it. He murmured, 'Osiris help you!' and +pointed to the ceiling. I raised my eyes instinctively, and when I +lowered them the money had disappeared. I think he must have caused it +to vanish." + +"Oh, I'm sure he did," said the listener. + +Others came back with wonderful stories of Mr. Yahi-Bahi's occult +powers, especially his marvellous gift of reading the future. + +Mrs. Buncomhearst, who had just lost her third husband--by divorce--had +received from Mr. Yahi-Bahi a glimpse into the future that was almost +uncanny in its exactness. She had asked for a divination, and Mr. +Yahi-Bahi had effected one by causing her to lay six ten-dollar pieces +on the table arranged in the form of a mystic serpent. Over these he +had bent and peered deeply, as if seeking to unravel their meaning, and +finally he had given her the prophecy, "Many things are yet to happen +before others begin." + +"How _does_ he do it?" asked everybody. + + * * * * * + +As a result of all this it naturally came about that Mr. Yahi-Bahi and +Mr. Ram Spudd were invited to appear at the residence of Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown; and it was understood that steps would be taken to +form a special society, to be known as the Yahi-Bahi Oriental Society. + +Mr. Sikleigh Snoop, the sex-poet, was the leading spirit in the +organization. He had a special fitness for the task: he had actually +resided in India. In fact, he had spent six weeks there on a stop-over +ticket of a round-the-world 635 dollar steamship pilgrimage; and he +knew the whole country from Jehumbapore in Bhootal to Jehumbalabad in +the Carnatic. So he was looked upon as a great authority on India, +China, Mongolia, and all such places, by the ladies of Plutoria Avenue. + +Next in importance was Mrs. Buncomhearst, who became later, by a +perfectly natural process, the president of the society. She was +already president of the Daughters of the Revolution, a society +confined exclusively to the descendants of Washington's officers and +others; she was also president of the Sisters of England, an +organization limited exclusively to women born in England and +elsewhere; of the Daughters of Kossuth, made up solely of Hungarians +and friends of Hungary and other nations; and of the Circle of Franz +Joseph, which was composed exclusively of the partisans, and others, of +Austria. In fact, ever since she had lost her third husband, Mrs. +Buncomhearst had thrown herself--that was her phrase--into outside +activities. Her one wish was, on her own statement, to lose herself. So +very naturally Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown looked at once to Mrs. Buncomhearst +to preside over the meetings of the new society. + + * * * * * + +The large dining-room at the Rasselyer-Browns' had been cleared out as +a sort of auditorium, and in it some fifty or sixty of Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown's more intimate friends had gathered. The whole meeting +was composed of ladies, except for the presence of one or two men who +represented special cases. There was, of course, little Mr. Spillikins, +with his vacuous face and football hair, who was there, as everybody +knew, on account of Dulphemia; and there was old Judge Longerstill, who +sat leaning on a gold-headed stick with his head sideways, trying to +hear some fraction of what was being said. He came to the gathering in +the hope that it would prove a likely place for seconding a vote of +thanks and saying a few words--half an hour's talk, perhaps--on the +constitution of the United States. Failing that, he felt sure that at +least someone would call him "this eminent old gentleman," and even +that was better than staying at home. + +But for the most part the audience was composed of women, and they sat +in a little buzz of conversation waiting for Mr. Yahi-Bahi. + +"I wonder," called Mrs. Buncomhearst from the chair, "if some lady +would be good enough to write minutes? Miss Snagg, I wonder if you +would be kind enough to write minutes? Could you?" + +"I shall be delighted," said Miss Snagg, "but I'm afraid there's hardly +time to write them before we begin, is there?" + +"Oh, but it would be all right to write them _afterwards_," chorussed +several ladies who understood such things; "it's quite often done that +way." + +"And I should like to move that we vote a constitution," said a stout +lady with a double eye-glass. + +"Is that carried?" said Mrs. Buncomhearst. "All those in favour please +signify." + +Nobody stirred. + +"Carried," said the president. "And perhaps you would be good enough, +Mrs. Fyshe," she said, turning towards the stout lady, "to _write_ the +constitution." + +"Do you think it necessary to _write_ it?" said Mrs. Fyshe. "I should +like to move, if I may, that I almost wonder whether it is necessary to +write the constitution--unless, of course, anybody thinks that we +really ought to." + +"Ladies," said the president, "you have heard the motion. All those +against it--" + +There was no sign. + +"All those in favour of it--" + +There was still no sign. + +"Lost," she said. + +Then, looking across at the clock on the mantel-piece, and realizing +that Mr. Yahi-Bahi must have been delayed and that something must be +done, she said: + +"And now, ladies, as we have in our midst a most eminent gentleman who +probably has thought more deeply about constitutions than--" + +All eyes turned at once towards Judge Longerstill, but as fortune had +it at this very moment Mr. Sikleigh Snoop entered, followed by Mr. +Yahi-Bahi and Mr. Ram Spudd. + +Mr. Yahi-Bahi was tall. His drooping Oriental costume made him taller +still. He had a long brown face and liquid brown eyes of such depth +that when he turned them full upon the ladies before him a shiver of +interest and apprehension followed in the track of his glance. + +"My dear," said Miss Snagg afterwards, "he seemed simply to see right +through us." + +This was correct. He did. + +Mr. Ram Spudd presented a contrast to his superior. He was short and +round, with a dimpled mahogany face and eyes that twinkled in it like +little puddles of molasses. His head was bound in a turban and his body +was swathed in so many bands and sashes that he looked almost circular. +The clothes of both Mr. Yahi-Bahi and Ram Spudd were covered with the +mystic signs of Buddha and the seven serpents of Vishnu. + +It was impossible, of course, for Mr. Yahi-Bahi or Mr. Ram Spudd to +address the audience. Their knowledge of English was known to be too +slight for that. Their communications were expressed entirely through +the medium of Mr. Snoop, and even he explained afterwards that it was +very difficult. The only languages of India which he was able to speak, +he said, with any fluency were Gargamic and Gumaic both of these being +old Dravidian dialects with only two hundred and three words in each, +and hence in themselves very difficult to converse in. Mr. Yahi-Bahi +answered in what Mr. Snoop understood to be the Iramic of the Vedas, a +very rich language, but one which unfortunately he did not understand. +The dilemma is one familiar to all Oriental scholars. + +All of this Mr. Snoop explained in the opening speech which he +proceeded to make. And after this he went on to disclose, amid deep +interest, the general nature of the cult of Boohooism. He said that +they could best understand it if he told them that its central doctrine +was that of Bahee. Indeed, the first aim of all followers of the cult +was to attain to Bahee. Anybody who could spend a certain number of +hours each day, say sixteen, in silent meditation on Boohooism would +find his mind gradually reaching a condition of Bahee. The chief aim of +Bahee itself was sacrifice: a true follower of the cult must be willing +to sacrifice his friends, or his relatives, and even strangers, in +order to reach Bahee. In this way one was able fully to realize oneself +and enter into the Higher Indifference. Beyond this, further meditation +and fasting--by which was meant living solely on fish, fruit, wine, and +meat--one presently attained to complete Swaraj or Control of Self, and +might in time pass into the absolute Nirvana, or the Negation of +Emptiness, the supreme goal of Boohooism. + +As a first step to all this, Mr. Snoop explained, each neophyte or +candidate for holiness must, after searching his own heart, send ten +dollars to Mr. Yahi-Bahi. Gold, it appeared, was recognized in the cult +of Boohooism as typifying the three chief virtues, whereas silver or +paper money did not; even national banknotes were only regarded as do +or, a halfway palliation; and outside currencies such as Canadian or +Mexican bills were looked upon as entirely boo, or contemptible. The +Oriental view of money, said Mr. Snoop, was far superior to our own, +but it also might be attained by deep thought, and, as a beginning, by +sending ten dollars to Mr. Yahi-Bahi. + +After this Mr. Snoop, in conclusion, read a very beautiful Hindu poem, +translating it as he went along. It began, "O cow, standing beside the +Ganges, and apparently without visible occupation," and it was voted +exquisite by all who heard it. The absence of rhyme and the entire +removal of ideas marked it as far beyond anything reached as yet by +Occidental culture. + +When Mr. Snoop had concluded, the president called upon Judge +Longerstill for a few words of thanks, which he gave, followed by a +brief talk on the constitution of the United States. + +After this the society was declared constituted, Mr. Yahi-Bahi made +four salaams, one to each point of the compass, and the meeting +dispersed. + +And that evening, over fifty dinner tables, everybody discussed the +nature of Bahee, and tried in vain to explain it to men too stupid to +understand. + + * * * * * + +Now it so happened that on the very afternoon of this meeting at Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown's, the Philippine chauffeur did a strange and peculiar +thing. He first asked Mr. Rasselyer-Brown for a few hours' leave of +absence to attend the funeral of his mother in-law. This was a request +which Mr. Rasselyer-Brown, on principle, never refused to a man-servant. + +Whereupon, the Philippine chauffeur, no longer attired as one, visited +the residence of Mr. Yahi-Bahi. He let himself in with a marvellous +little key which he produced from a very wonderful bunch of such. He +was in the house for nearly half an hour, and when he emerged, the +notebook in his breast pocket, had there been an eye to read it, would +have been seen to be filled with stranger details in regard to Oriental +mysticism than even Mr. Yahi-Bahi had given to the world. So strange +were they that before the Philippine chauffeur returned to the +Rasselyer-Brown residence he telegraphed certain and sundry parts of +them to New York. But why he should have addressed them to the head of +a detective bureau instead of to a college of Oriental research it +passes the imagination to conceive. But as the chauffeur duly +reappeared at motor-time in the evening the incident passed unnoticed. + + * * * * * + +It is beyond the scope of the present narrative to trace the progress +of Boohooism during the splendid but brief career of the Yahi-Bahi +Oriental Society. There could be no doubt of its success. Its +principles appealed with great strength to all the more cultivated +among the ladies of Plutoria Avenue. There was something in the +Oriental mysticism of its doctrines which rendered previous belief +stale and puerile. The practice of the sacred rites began at once. The +ladies' counters of the Plutorian banks were inundated with requests +for ten-dollar pieces in exchange for banknotes. At dinner in the best +houses nothing was eaten except a thin soup (or bru), followed by fish, +succeeded by meat or by game, especially such birds as are particularly +pleasing to Buddha, as the partridge, the pheasant, and the woodcock. +After this, except for fruits and wine, the principle of Swaraj, or +denial of self, was rigidly imposed. Special Oriental dinners of this +sort were given, followed by listening to the reading of Oriental +poetry, with closed eyes and with the mind as far as possible in a +state of Stoj, or Negation of Thought. + +By this means the general doctrine of Boohooism spread rapidly. Indeed, +a great many of the members of the society soon attained to a stage of +Bahee, or the Higher Indifference, that it would have been hard to +equal outside of Juggapore or Jumbumbabad. For example, when Mrs. +Buncomhearst learned of the remarriage of her second husband--she had +lost him three years before, owing to a difference of opinion on the +emancipation of women--she showed the most complete Bahee possible. And +when Miss Snagg learned that her brother in Venezuela had died--a very +sudden death brought on by drinking rum for seventeen years--and had +left her ten thousand dollars, the Bahee which she exhibited almost +amounted to Nirvana. + +In fact, the very general dissemination of the Oriental idea became +more and more noticeable with each week that passed. Some members +attained to so complete a Bahee, or Higher Indifference, that they even +ceased to attend the meetings of the society; others reached a Swaraj, +or Control of Self, so great that they no longer read its pamphlets; +while others again actually passed into Nirvana, to a Complete Negation +of Self, so rapidly that they did not even pay their subscriptions. + +But features of this sort, of course, are familiar wherever a +successful occult creed makes its way against the prejudices of the +multitude. + +The really notable part of the whole experience was the marvellous +demonstration of occult power which attended the final seance of the +society, the true nature of which is still wrapped in mystery. + +For some weeks it had been rumoured that a very special feat or +demonstration of power by Mr. Yahi-Bahi was under contemplation. In +fact, the rapid spread of Swaraj and of Nirvana among the members +rendered such a feat highly desirable. Just what form the demonstration +would take was for some time a matter of doubt. It was whispered at +first that Mr. Yahi-Bahi would attempt the mysterious eastern rite of +burying Ram Spudd alive in the garden of the Rasselyer-Brown residence +and leaving him there in a state of Stoj, or Suspended Inanition, for +eight days. But this project was abandoned, owing to some doubt, +apparently, in the mind of Mr. Ram Spudd as to his astral fitness for +the high state of Stoj necessitated by the experiment. + +At last it became known to the members of the Poosh, or Inner Circle, +under the seal of confidence, that Mr. Yahi-Bahi would attempt nothing +less than the supreme feat of occultism, namely, a reincarnation, or +more correctly a reastralization of Buddha. + +The members of the Inner Circle shivered with a luxurious sense of +mystery when they heard of it. + +"Has it ever been done before?" they asked of Mr. Snoop. + +"Only a few times," he said; "once, I believe, by Jam-bum, the famous +Yogi of the Carnatic; once, perhaps twice, by Boohoo, the founder of +the sect. But it is looked upon as extremely rare. Mr. Yahi tells me +that the great danger is that, if the slightest part of the formula is +incorrectly observed, the person attempting the astralization is +swallowed up into nothingness. However, he declares himself willing to +try." + + * * * * * + +The seance was to take place at Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's residence, and +was to be at midnight. + +"At midnight!" said each member in surprise. And the answer was, "Yes, +at midnight. You see, midnight here is exactly midday in Allahabad in +India." + +This explanation was, of course, ample. "Midnight," repeated everybody +to everybody else, "is exactly midday in Allahabad." That made things +perfectly clear. Whereas if midnight had been midday in Timbuctoo the +whole situation would have been different. + +Each of the ladies was requested to bring to the seance some ornament +of gold; but it must be plain gold, without any setting of stones. + +It was known already that, according to the cult of Boohooism, gold, +plain gold, is the seat of the three virtues--beauty, wisdom and grace. +Therefore, according to the creed of Boohooism, anyone who has enough +gold, plain gold, is endowed with these virtues and is all right. All +that is needed is to have enough of it; the virtues follow as a +consequence. + +But for the great experiment the gold used must not be set with stones, +with the one exception of rubies, which are known to be endowed with +the three attributes of Hindu worship, modesty, loquacity, and +pomposity. + +In the present case it was found that as a number of ladies had nothing +but gold ornaments set with diamonds, a second exception was made; +especially as Mr. Yahi-Bahi, on appeal, decided that diamonds, though +less pleasing to Buddha than rubies, possessed the secondary Hindu +virtues of divisibility, movability, and disposability. + +On the evening in question the residence of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown might +have been observed at midnight wrapped in utter darkness. No lights +were shown. A single taper, brought by Ram Spudd from the Taj Mohal, +and resembling in its outer texture those sold at the five-and-ten +store near Mr. Spudd's residence, burned on a small table in the vast +dining-room. The servants had been sent upstairs and expressly enjoined +to retire at half past ten. Moreover, Mr. Rasselyer-Brown had had to +attend that evening, at the Mausoleum Club, a meeting of the trustees +of the Church of St. Asaph, and he had come home at eleven o'clock, as +he always did after diocesan work of this sort, quite used up; in fact, +so fatigued that he had gone upstairs to his own suite of rooms +sideways, his knees bending under him. So utterly used up was he with +his church work that, as far as any interest in what might be going on +in his own residence, he had attained to a state of Bahee, or Higher +Indifference, that even Buddha might have envied. + +The guests, as had been arranged, arrived noiselessly and on foot. All +motors were left at least a block away. They made their way up the +steps of the darkened house, and were admitted without ringing, the +door opening silently in front of them. Mr. Yahi-Bahi and Mr. Ram +Spudd, who had arrived on foot carrying a large parcel, were already +there, and were behind a screen in the darkened room, reported to be in +meditation. + +At a whispered word from Mr. Snoop, who did duty at the door, all furs +and wraps were discarded in the hall and laid in a pile. Then the +guests passed silently into the great dining room. There was no light +in it except the dim taper which stood on a little table. On this table +each guest, as instructed, laid an ornament of gold, and at the same +time was uttered in a low voice the word Ksvoo. This means, "O Buddha, +I herewith lay my unworthy offering at thy feet; take it and keep it +for ever." It was explained that this was only a form. + + * * * * * + +"What is he doing?" whispered the assembled guests as they saw Mr. +Yahi-Bahi pass across the darkened room and stand in front of the +sideboard. + +"Hush!" said Mr. Snoop; "he's laying the propitiatory offering for +Buddha." + +"It's an Indian rite," whispered Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. + +Mr. Yahi-Bahi could be seen dimly moving to and fro in front of the +sideboard. There was a faint clinking of glass. + +"He has to set out a glass of Burmese brandy, powdered over with nutmeg +and aromatics," whispered Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. "I had the greatest +hunt to get it all for him. He said that nothing but Burmese brandy +would do, because in the Hindu religion the god can only be invoked +with Burmese brandy, or, failing that, Hennessy's with three stars, +which is not entirely displeasing to Buddha." + +"The aromatics," whispered Mr. Snoop, "are supposed to waft a perfume +or incense to reach the nostrils of the god. The glass of propitiatory +wine and the aromatic spices are mentioned in the Vishnu-Buddayat." + +Mr. Yahi-Bahi, his preparations completed, was now seen to stand in +front of the sideboard bowing deeply four times in an Oriental salaam. +The light of the single taper had by this time burned so dim that his +movements were vague and uncertain. His body cast great flickering +shadows on the half-seen wall. From his throat there issued a low wail +in which the word wah! wah! could be distinguished. + +The excitement was intense. + +"What does wah mean?" whispered Mr. Spillikins. + +"Hush!" said Mr. Snoop; "it means, 'O Buddha, wherever thou art in thy +lofty Nirvana, descend yet once in astral form before our eyes!'" + +Mr. Yahi-Bahi rose. He was seen to place one finger on his lips and +then, silently moving across the room, he disappeared behind the +screen. Of what Mr. Ram Spudd was doing during this period there is no +record. It was presumed that he was still praying. + +The stillness was now absolute. + +"We must wait in perfect silence," whispered Mr. Snoop from the extreme +tips of his lips. + +Everybody sat in strained intensity, silent, looking towards the vague +outline of the sideboard. + +The minutes passed. No one moved. All were spellbound in expectancy. + +Still the minutes passed. The taper had flickered down till the great +room was almost in darkness. + +Could it be that by some neglect in the preparations, the substitution +perhaps of the wrong brandy, the astralization could not be effected? + +But no. + +Quite suddenly, it seemed, everybody in the darkened room was aware of +a _presence_. That was the word as afterwards repeated in a hundred +confidential discussions. A _presence_. One couldn't call it a body. It +wasn't. It was a figure, an astral form, a presence. + +"Buddha!" they gasped as they looked at it. + +Just how the figure entered the room, the spectators could never +afterwards agree. Some thought it appeared through the wall, +deliberately astralizing itself as it passed through the bricks. Others +seemed to have seen it pass in at the farther door of the room, as if +it had astralized itself at the foot of the stairs in the back of the +hall outside. + +Be that as it may, there it stood before them, the astralized shape of +the Indian deity, so that to every lip there rose the half-articulated +word, "Buddha"; or at least to every lip except that of Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown. From her there came no sound. + +The figure as afterwards described was attired in a long _shirak_, such +as is worn by the Grand Llama of Tibet, and resembling, if the +comparison were not profane, a modern dressing-gown. The legs, if one +might so call them, of the apparition were enwrapped in loose +punjahamas, a word which is said to be the origin of the modern +pyjamas; while the feet, if they were feet, were encased in loose +slippers. + +Buddha moved slowly across the room. Arrived at the sideboard the +astral figure paused, and even in the uncertain light Buddha was seen +to raise and drink the propitiatory offering. That much was perfectly +clear. Whether Buddha spoke or not is doubtful. Certain of the +spectators thought that he said, 'Must a fagotnit', which is +Hindustanee for "Blessings on this house." To Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's +distracted mind it seemed as if Buddha said, "I must have forgotten it" +But this wild fancy she never breathed to a soul. + +Silently Buddha recrossed the room, slowly wiping one arm across his +mouth after the Hindu gesture of farewell. + +For perhaps a full minute after the disappearance of Buddha not a soul +moved. Then quite suddenly Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown, unable to stand the +tension any longer, pressed an electric switch and the whole room was +flooded with light. + +There sat the affrighted guests staring at one another with pale faces. + +But, to the amazement and horror of all, the little table in the centre +stood empty--not a single gem, not a fraction of the gold that had lain +upon it was left. All had disappeared. + +The truth seemed to burst upon everyone at once. There was no doubt of +what had happened. + +The gold and the jewels had been deastralized. Under the occult power +of the vision they had been demonetized, engulfed into the astral plane +along with the vanishing Buddha. + +Filled with the sense of horror still to come, somebody pulled aside +the little screen. They fully expected to find the lifeless bodies of +Mr. Yahi-Bahi and the faithful Ram Spudd. What they saw before them was +more dreadful still. The outer Oriental garments of the two devotees +lay strewn upon the floor. The long sash of Yahi-Bahi and the thick +turban of Ram Spudd were side by side near them; almost sickening in +its repulsive realism was the thick black head of hair of the junior +devotee, apparently torn from his scalp as if by lightning and bearing +a horrible resemblance to the cast-off wig of an actor. + +The truth was too plain. + +"They are engulfed!" cried a dozen voices at once. + +It was realized in a flash that Yahi-Bahi and Ram Spudd had paid the +penalty of their daring with their lives. Through some fatal neglect, +against which they had fairly warned the participants of the seance, +the two Orientals had been carried bodily in the astral plane. + +"How dreadful!" murmured Mr. Snoop. "We must have made some awful +error." + +"Are they deastralized?" murmured Mrs. Buncomhearst. + +"Not a doubt of it," said Mr. Snoop. + +And then another voice in the group was heard to say, "We must hush it +up. We _can't_ have it known!" + +On which a chorus of voices joined in, everybody urging that it must be +hushed up. + +"Couldn't you try to reastralize them?" said somebody to Mr. Snoop. + +"No, no," said Mr. Snoop, still shaking. "Better not try to. We must +hush it up if we can." + +And the general assent to this sentiment showed that, after all, the +principles of Bahee, or Indifference to Others, had taken a real root +in the society. + +"Hush it up," cried everybody, and there was a general move towards the +hall. + +"Good Heavens!" exclaimed Mrs. Buncomhearst; "our wraps!" + +"Deastralized!" said the guests. + +There was a moment of further consternation as everybody gazed at the +spot where the ill-fated pile of furs and wraps had lain. + +"Never mind," said everybody, "let's go without them--don't stay. Just +think if the police should--" + +And at the word police, all of a sudden there was heard in the street +the clanging of a bell and the racing gallop of the horses of the +police patrol wagon. + +"The police!" cried everybody. "Hush it up! Hush it up!" For of course +the principles of Bahee are not known to the police. + +In another moment the doorbell of the house rang with a long and +violent peal, and in a second as it seemed, the whole hall was filled +with bulky figures uniformed in blue. + +"It's all right, Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown," cried a loud, firm voice from +the sidewalk. "We have them both. Everything is here. We got them +before they'd gone a block. But if you don't mind, the police must get +a couple of names for witnesses in the warrant." + +It was the Philippine chauffeur. But he was no longer attired as such. +He wore the uniform of an inspector of police, and there was the metal +badge of the Detective Department now ostentatiously outside his coat. + +And beside him, one on each side of him, there stood the deastralized +forms of Yahi-Bahi and Ram Spudd. They wore long overcoats, doubtless +the contents of the magic parcels, and the Philippine chauffeur had a +grip of iron on the neck of each as they stood. Mr. Spudd had lost his +Oriental hair, and the face of Mr. Yahi-Bahi, perhaps in the struggle +which had taken place, had been scraped white in patches. + +They were making no attempt to break away. Indeed, Mr. Spudd, with that +complete Bahee, or Submission to Fate, which is attained only by long +services in state penitentiaries, was smiling and smoking a cigarette. + +"We were waiting for them," explained a tall police officer to the two +or three ladies who now gathered round him with a return of courage. +"They had the stuff in a hand-cart and were pushing it away. The chief +caught them at the corner, and rang the patrol from there. You'll find +everything all right, I think, ladies," he added, as a burly assistant +was seen carrying an armload of furs up the steps. + +Somehow many of the ladies realized at the moment what cheery, safe, +reliable people policemen in blue are, and what a friendly, familiar +shelter they offer against the wiles of Oriental occultism. + +"Are they old criminals?" someone asked. + +"Yes, ma'am. They've worked this same thing in four cities already, and +both of them have done time, and lots of it. They've only been out six +months. No need to worry over them," he concluded with a shrug of the +shoulders. + +So the furs were restored and the gold and the jewels parcelled out +among the owners, and in due course Mr. Yahi-Bahi and Mr. Ram Spudd +were lifted up into the patrol wagon where they seated themselves with +a composure worthy of the best traditions of Jehumbabah and +Bahoolapore. In fact, Mr. Spudd was heard to address the police as +"boys," and to remark that they had "got them good" that time. + +So the seance ended and the guests vanished, and the Yahi-Bahi Society +terminated itself without even a vote of dissolution. + +And in all the later confidential discussions of the episode only one +point of mysticism remained. After they had time really to reflect on +it, free from all danger of arrest, the members of the society realized +that on one point the police were entirely off the truth of things. For +Mr. Yahi-Bahi, whether a thief or not, and whether he came from the +Orient, or, as the police said, from Missouri, had actually succeeded +in reastralizing Buddha. + +Nor was anyone more emphatic on this point than Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown +herself. + +"For after all," she said, "if it was not Buddha, who was it?" + +And the question was never answered. + + + +CHAPTER FIVE: The Love Story of Mr. Peter Spillikins + +Almost any day, on Plutoria Avenue or thereabouts, you may see little +Mr. Spillikins out walking with his four tall sons, who are practically +as old as himself. + +To be exact, Mr. Spillikins is twenty-four, and Bob, the oldest of the +boys, must be at least twenty. Their exact ages are no longer known, +because, by a dreadful accident, their mother forgot them. This was at +a time when the boys were all at Mr. Wackem's Academy for Exceptional +Youths in the foothills of Tennessee, and while their mother, Mrs. +Everleigh, was spending the winter on the Riviera and felt that for +their own sake she must not allow herself to have the boys with her. + +But now, of course, since Mrs. Everleigh has remarried and become Mrs. +Everleigh-Spillikins there is no need to keep them at Mr. Wackem's any +longer. Mr. Spillikins is able to look after them. + +Mr. Spillikins generally wears a little top hat and an English morning +coat. The boys are in Eton jackets and black trousers, which, at their +mother's wish, are kept just a little too short for them. This is +because Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins feels that the day will come some +day--say fifteen years hence--when the boys will no longer be children, +and meantime it is so nice to feel that they are still mere boys. Bob +is the eldest, but Sib the youngest is the tallest, whereas Willie the +third boy is the dullest, although this has often been denied by those +who claim that Gib the second boy is just a trifle duller. Thus at any +rate there is a certain equality and good fellowship all round. + +Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins is not to be seen walking with them. She is +probably at the race-meet, being taken there by Captain Cormorant of +the United States navy, which Mr. Spillikins considers very handsome of +him. Every now and then the captain, being in the navy, is compelled to +be at sea for perhaps a whole afternoon or even several days; in which +case Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins is very generally taken to the Hunt Club +or the Country Club by Lieutenant Hawk, which Mr. Spillikins regards as +awfully thoughtful of him. Or if Lieutenant Hawk is also out of town +for the day, as he sometimes has to be, because he is in the United +States army, Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins is taken out by old Colonel +Shake, who is in the State militia and who is at leisure all the time. + +During their walks on Plutoria Avenue one may hear the four boys +addressing Mr. Spillikins as "father" and "dad" in deep bull-frog +voices. + +"Say, dad," drawls Bob, "couldn't we all go to the ball game?" + +"No. Say, dad," says Gib, "let's all go back to the house and play +five-cent pool in the billiard-room." + +"All right, boys," says Mr. Spillikins. And a few minutes later one may +see them all hustling up the steps of the Everleigh-Spillikins's +mansion, quite eager at the prospect, and all talking together. + + * * * * * + +Now the whole of this daily panorama, to the eye that can read it, +represents the outcome of the tangled love story of Mr. Spillikins, +which culminated during the summer houseparty at Castel Casteggio, the +woodland retreat of Mr. and Mrs. Newberry. + +But to understand the story one must turn back a year or so to the time +when Mr. Peter Spillikins used to walk on Plutoria Avenue alone, or sit +in the Mausoleum Club listening to the advice of people who told him +that he really ought to get married. + + * * * * * + +In those days the first thing that one noticed about Mr. Peter +Spillikins was his exalted view of the other sex. Every time he passed +a beautiful woman in the street he said to himself, "I say!" Even when +he met a moderately beautiful one he murmured, "By Jove!" When an +Easter hat went sailing past, or a group of summer parasols stood +talking on a leafy corner, Mr. Spillikins ejaculated, "My word!" At the +opera and at tango teas his projecting blue eyes almost popped out of +his head. + +Similarly, if he happened to be with one of his friends, he would +murmur, "I say, _do_ look at that beautiful girl," or would exclaim, "I +say, don't look, but isn't that an awfully pretty girl across the +street?" or at the opera, "Old man, don't let her see you looking, but +do you see that lovely girl in the box opposite?" + +One must add to this that Mr. Spillikins, in spite of his large and +bulging blue eyes, enjoyed the heavenly gift of short sight. As a +consequence he lived in a world of amazingly beautiful women. And as +his mind was focused in the same way as his eyes he endowed them with +all the virtues and graces which ought to adhere to fifty-dollar +flowered hats and cerise parasols with ivory handles. + +Nor, to do him justice, did Mr. Spillikins confine his attitude to his +view of women alone. He brought it to bear on everything. Every time he +went to the opera he would come away enthusiastic, saying, "By Jove, +isn't it simply splendid! Of course I haven't the ear to appreciate +it--I'm not musical, you know--but even with the little that I know, +it's great; it absolutely puts me to sleep." And of each new novel that +he bought he said, "It's a perfectly wonderful book! Of course I +haven't the head to understand it, so I didn't finish it, but it's +simply thrilling." Similarly with painting, "It's one of the most +marvellous pictures I ever saw," he would say. "Of course I've no eye +for pictures, and I couldn't see anything in it, but it's wonderful!" + +The career of Mr. Spillikins up to the point of which we are speaking +had hitherto not been very satisfactory, or at least not from the point +of view of Mr. Boulder, who was his uncle and trustee. Mr. Boulder's +first idea had been to have Mr. Spillikins attend the university. Dr. +Boomer, the president, had done his best to spread abroad the idea that +a university education was perfectly suitable even for the rich; that +it didn't follow that because a man was a university graduate he need +either work or pursue his studies any further; that what the university +aimed to do was merely to put a certain stamp upon a man. That was all. +And this stamp, according to the tenor of the president's convocation +addresses, was perfectly harmless. No one ought to be afraid of it. As +a result, a great many of the very best young men in the City, who had +no need for education at all, were beginning to attend college. "It +marked," said Dr. Boomer, "a revolution." + +Mr. Spillikins himself was fascinated with his studies. The professors +seemed to him living wonders. + +"By Jove!" he said, "the professor of mathematics is a marvel. You +ought to see him explaining trigonometry on the blackboard. You can't +understand a word of it." He hardly knew which of his studies he liked +best. "Physics," he said, "is a wonderful study. I got five per cent in +it. But, by Jove! I had to work for it. I'd go in for it altogether if +they'd let me." + +But that was just the trouble--they wouldn't. And so in course of time +Mr. Spillikins was compelled, for academic reasons, to abandon his life +work. His last words about it were, "Gad! I nearly passed in +trigonometry!" and he always said afterwards that he had got a +tremendous lot out of the university. + +After that, as he had to leave the university, his trustee, Mr. +Boulder, put Mr. Spillikins into business. It was, of course, his own +business, one of the many enterprises for which Mr. Spillikins, ever +since he was twenty-one, had already been signing documents and +countersigning cheques. So Mr. Spillikins found himself in a mahogany +office selling wholesale oil. And he liked it. He said that business +sharpened one up tremendously. + +"I'm afraid, Mr. Spillikins," a caller in the mahogany office would +say, "that we can't meet you at five dollars. Four seventy is the best +we can do on the present market." + +"My dear chap," said Mr. Spillikins, "that's all right. After all, +thirty cents isn't much, eh what? Dash it, old man, we won't fight +about thirty cents. How much do you want?" + +"Well, at four seventy we'll take twenty thousand barrels." + +"By Jove!" said Mr. Spillikins; "twenty thousand barrels. Gad! you want +a lot, don't you? Pretty big sale, eh, for a beginner like me? I guess +uncle'll be tickled to death." + +So tickled was he that after a few weeks of oil-selling Mr. Boulder +urged Mr. Spillikins to retire, and wrote off many thousand dollars +from the capital value of his estate. + +So after this there was only one thing for Mr. Spillikins to do, and +everybody told him so--namely to get married. "Spillikins," said his +friends at the club after they had taken all his loose money over the +card table, "you ought to get married." + +"Think so?" said Mr. Spillikins. + +Goodness knows he was willing enough. In fact, up to this point Mr. +Spillikins's whole existence had been one long aspiring sigh directed +towards the joys of matrimony. + +In his brief college days his timid glances had wandered by an +irresistible attraction towards the seats on the right-hand side of the +class room, where the girls of the first year sat, with golden pigtails +down their backs, doing trigonometry. + +He would have married any of them. But when a girl can work out +trigonometry at sight, what use can she possibly have for marriage? +None. Mr. Spillikins knew this and it kept him silent. And even when +the most beautiful girl in the class married the demonstrator and thus +terminated her studies in her second year, Spillikins realized that it +was only because the man was, undeniably, a demonstrator and knew +things. + +Later on, when Spillikins went into business and into society, the same +fate pursued him. He loved, for at least six months, Georgiana +McTeague, the niece of the presbyterian minister of St. Osoph's. He +loved her so well that for her sake he temporarily abandoned his pew at +St. Asaph's, which was episcopalian, and listened to fourteen +consecutive sermons on hell. But the affair got no further than that. +Once or twice, indeed, Spillikins walked home with Georgiana from +church and talked about hell with her; and once her uncle asked him +into the manse for cold supper after evening service, and they had a +long talk about hell all through the meal and upstairs in the +sitting-room afterwards. But somehow Spillikins could get no further +with it. He read up all he could about hell so as to be able to talk +with Georgiana, but in the end it failed: a young minister fresh from +college came and preached at St. Osoph's six special sermons on the +absolute certainty of eternal punishment, and he married Miss McTeague +as a result of it. + +And, meantime, Mr. Spillikins had got engaged, or practically so, to +Adelina Lightleigh; not that he had spoken to her, but he considered +himself bound to her. For her sake he had given up hell altogether, and +was dancing till two in the morning and studying action bridge out of a +book. For a time he felt so sure that she meant to have him that he +began bringing his greatest friend, Edward Ruff of the college football +team, of whom Spillikins was very proud, up to the Lightleighs' +residence. He specially wanted Adelina and Edward to be great friends, +so that Adelina and he might ask Edward up to the house after he was +married. And they got to be such great friends, and so quickly, that +they were married in New York that autumn. After which Spillikins used +to be invited up to the house by Edward and Adelina. They both used to +tell him how much they owed him; and they, too, used to join in the +chorus and say, "You know, Peter, you're awfully silly not to get +married." + +Now all this had happened and finished at about the time when the +Yahi-Bahi Society ran its course. At its first meeting Mr. Spillikins +had met Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown. At the very sight of her he began +reading up the life of Buddha and a translation of the Upanishads so as +to fit himself to aspire to live with her. Even when the society ended +in disaster Mr. Spillikins's love only burned the stronger. +Consequently, as soon as he knew that Mr. and Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown were +going away for the summer, and that Dulphemia was to go to stay with +the Newberrys at Castel Casteggio, this latter place, the summer +retreat of the Newberrys, became the one spot on earth for Mr. Peter +Spillikins. + +Naturally, therefore, Mr. Spillikins was presently transported to the +seventh heaven when in due course of time he received a note which +said, "We shall be so pleased if you can come out and spend a week or +two with us here. We will send the car down to the Thursday train to +meet you. We live here in the simplest fashion possible; in fact, as +Mr. Newberry says, we are just roughing it, but I am sure you don't +mind for a change. Dulphemia is with us, but we are quite a small +party." + +The note was signed "Margaret Newberry" and was written on heavy cream +paper with a silver monogram such as people use when roughing it. + + * * * * * + +The Newberrys, like everybody else, went away from town in the +summertime. Mr. Newberry being still in business, after a fashion, it +would not have looked well for him to remain in town throughout the +year. It would have created a bad impression on the market as to how +much he was making. + +In fact, in the early summer everybody went out of town. The few who +ever revisited the place in August reported that they hadn't seen a +soul on the street. + +It was a sort of longing for the simple life, for nature, that came +over everybody. Some people sought it at the seaside, where nature had +thrown out her broad plank walks and her long piers and her vaudeville +shows. Others sought it in the heart of the country, where nature had +spread her oiled motor roads and her wayside inns. Others, like the +Newberrys, preferred to "rough it" in country residences of their own. + +Some of the people, as already said, went for business reasons, to +avoid the suspicion of having to work all the year round. Others went +to Europe to avoid the reproach of living always in America. Others, +perhaps most people, went for medical reasons, being sent away by their +doctors. Not that they were ill; but the doctors of Plutoria Avenue, +such as Doctor Slyder, always preferred to send all their patients out +of town during the summer months. No well-to-do doctor cares to be +bothered with them. And of course patients, even when they are anxious +to go anywhere on their own account, much prefer to be sent there by +their doctor. + +"My dear madam," Dr. Slyder would say to a lady who, as he knew, was +most anxious to go to Virginia, "there's really nothing I can do for +you." Here he spoke the truth. "It's not a case of treatment. It's +simply a matter of dropping everything and going away. Now why don't +you go for a month or two to some quiet place, where you will simply +_do nothing?_" (She never, as he knew, did anything, anyway.) "What do +you say to Hot Springs, Virginia?--absolute quiet, good golf, not a +soul there, plenty of tennis." Or else he would say, "My dear madam, +you're simply _worn out_. Why don't you just drop everything and go to +Canada?--perfectly quiet, not a soul there, and, I believe, nowadays +quite fashionable." + +Thus, after all the patients had been sent away, Dr. Slyder and his +colleagues of Plutoria Avenue managed to slip away themselves for a +month or two, heading straight for Paris and Vienna. There they were +able, so they said, to keep in touch with what continental doctors were +doing. They probably were. + +Now it so happened that both the parents of Miss Dulphemia +Rasselyer-Brown had been sent out of town in this fashion. Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown's distressing experience with Yahi-Bahi had left her in +a condition in which she was utterly fit for nothing, except to go on a +Mediterranean cruise, with about eighty other people also fit for +nothing. + +Mr. Rasselyer-Brown himself, though never exactly an invalid, had +confessed that after all the fuss of the Yahi-Bahi business he needed +bracing up, needed putting into shape, and had put himself into Dr. +Slyder's hands. The doctor had examined him, questioned him searchingly +as to what he drank, and ended by prescribing port wine to be taken +firmly and unflinchingly during the evening, and for the daytime, at +any moment of exhaustion, a light cordial such as rye whiskey, or rum +and Vichy water. In addition to which Dr. Slyder had recommended Mr. +Rasselyer-Brown to leave town. + +"Why don't you go down to Nagahakett on the Atlantic?" he said. + +"Is that in Maine?" said Mr. Rasselyer-Brown in horror. + +"Oh, dear me, no!" answered the doctor reassuringly. "It's in New +Brunswick, Canada; excellent place, most liberal licence laws; first +class cuisine and a bar in the hotel. No tourists, no golf, too cold to +swim--just the place to enjoy oneself." + +So Mr. Rasselyer-Brown had gone away also, and as a result Dulphemia +Rasselyer-Brown, at the particular moment of which we speak, was +declared by the Boudoir and Society column of the _Plutorian Daily +Dollar_ to be staying with Mr. and Mrs. Newberry at their charming +retreat, Castel Casteggio. + +The Newberrys belonged to the class of people whose one aim in the +summer is to lead the simple life. Mr. Newberry himself said that his +one idea of a vacation was to get right out into the bush, and put on +old clothes, and just eat when he felt like it. + +This was why he had built Castel Casteggio. It stood about forty miles +from the city, out among the wooded hills on the shore of a little +lake. Except for the fifteen or twenty residences like it that dotted +the sides of the lake it was entirely isolated. The only way to reach +it was by the motor road that wound its way among leafy hills from the +railway station fifteen miles away. Every foot of the road was private +property, as all nature ought to be. The whole country about Castel +Casteggio was absolutely primeval, or at any rate as primeval as Scotch +gardeners and French landscape artists could make it. The lake itself +lay like a sparkling gem from nature's workshop--except that they had +raised the level of it ten feet, stone-banked the sides, cleared out +the brush, and put a motor road round it. Beyond that it was pure +nature. + +Castel Casteggio itself, a beautiful house of white brick with sweeping +piazzas and glittering conservatories, standing among great trees with +rolling lawns broken with flower-beds as the ground sloped to the lake, +was perhaps the most beautiful house of all; at any rate, it was an +ideal spot to wear old clothes in, to dine early (at 7.30) and, except +for tennis parties, motor-boat parties, lawn teas, and golf, to live +absolutely to oneself. + +It should be explained that the house was not called Castel Casteggio +because the Newberrys were Italian: they were not; nor because they +owned estates in Italy: they didn't nor had travelled there: they +hadn't. Indeed, for a time they had thought of giving it a Welsh name, +or a Scotch. But the beautiful country residence of the +Asterisk-Thomsons had stood close by in the same primeval country was +already called Penny-gw-rydd, and the woodland retreat of the +Hyphen-Joneses just across the little lake was called +Strathythan-na-Clee, and the charming chalet of the Wilson-Smiths was +called Yodel-Dudel; so it seemed fairer to select an Italian name. + + * * * * * + +"By Jove! Miss Furlong, how awfully good of you to come down!" + +The little suburban train--two cars only, both first class, for the +train went nowhere except out into the primeval wilderness--had drawn +up at the diminutive roadside station. Mr. Spillikins had alighted, and +there was Miss Philippa Furlong sitting behind the chauffeur in the +Newberrys' motor. She was looking as beautiful as only the younger +sister of a High Church episcopalian rector can look, dressed in white, +the colour of saintliness, on a beautiful morning in July. + +There was no doubt about Philippa Furlong. Her beauty was of that +peculiar and almost sacred kind found only in the immediate +neighbourhood of the High Church clergy. It was admitted by all who +envied or admired her that she could enter a church more gracefully, +move more swimmingly up the aisle, and pray better than any girl on +Plutoria Avenue. + +Mr. Spillikins, as he gazed at her in her white summer dress and wide +picture hat, with her parasol nodding above her head, realized that +after all, religion, as embodied in the younger sisters of the High +Church clergy, fills a great place in the world. + +"By Jove!" he repeated, "how awfully good of you!" + +"Not a bit," said Philippa. "Hop in. Dulphemia was coming, but she +couldn't. Is that all you have with you?" + +The last remark was ironical. It referred to the two quite large +steamer trunks of Mr. Spillikins that were being loaded, together with +his suit-case, tennis racket, and golf kit, on to the fore part of the +motor. Mr. Spillikins, as a young man of social experience, had roughed +it before. He knew what a lot of clothes one needs for it. + +So the motor sped away, and went bowling noiselessly over the oiled +road, and turning corners where the green boughs of the great trees +almost swished in their faces, and rounding and twisting among curves +of the hills as it carried Spillikins and Philippa away from the lower +domain or ordinary fields and farms up into the enchanted country of +private property and the magic castles of Casteggio and Penny-gw-rydd. + +Mr. Spillikins must have assured Philippa at least a dozen times in +starting off how awfully good it was of her to come down in the motor; +and he was so pleased at her coming to meet him that Philippa never +even hinted that the truth was that she had expected somebody else on +the same train. For to a girl brought up in the principles of the High +Church the truth is a very sacred thing. She keeps it to herself. + +And naturally, with such a sympathetic listener, it was not long before +Mr. Spillikins had begun to talk of Dulphemia and his hopes. + +"I don't know whether she really cares for me or not," said Mr. +Spillikins, "but I have pretty good hope. The other day, or at least +about two months ago, at one of the Yahi-Bahi meetings--you were not in +that, were you?" he said breaking off. + +"Only just at the beginning," said Philippa; "we went to Bermuda." + +"Oh yes, I remember. Do you know, I thought it pretty rough at the end, +especially on Ram Spudd. I liked him. I sent him two pounds of tobacco +to the penitentiary last week; you can get it in to them, you know, if +you know how." + +"But what were you going to say?" asked Philippa. + +"Oh yes," said Mr. Spillikins. And he realized that he had actually +drifted off the topic of Dulphemia, a thing that had never happened to +him before. "I was going to say that at one of the meetings, you know, +I asked her if I might call her Dulphemia." + +"And what did she say to that?" asked Philippa. + +"She said she didn't care what I called her. So I think that looks +pretty good, don't you?" + +"Awfully good," said Philippa. + +"And a little after that I took her slippers home from the Charity Ball +at the Grand Palaver. Archie Jones took her home herself in his car, +but I took her slippers. She'd forgotten them. I thought that a pretty +good sign, wasn't it? You wouldn't let a chap carry round your slippers +unless you knew him pretty well, would you, Miss Philippa?" + +"Oh no, nobody would," said Philippa. This of course, was a standing +principle of the Anglican Church. + +"And a little after that Dulphemia and Charlie Mostyn and I were +walking to Mrs. Buncomhearst's musical, and we'd only just started +along the street, when she stopped and sent me back for her music--me, +mind you, not Charlie. That seems to me awfully significant." + +"It seems to speak volumes," said Philippa. + +"Doesn't it?" said Mr. Spillikins. "You don't mind my telling you all +about this Miss Philippa?" he added. + +Incidentally Mr. Spillikins felt that it was all right to call her Miss +Philippa, because she had a sister who was really Miss Furlong, so it +would have been quite wrong, as Mr. Spillikins realized, to have called +Miss Philippa by her surname. In any case, the beauty of the morning +was against it. + +"I don't mind a bit," said Philippa. "I think it's awfully nice of you +to tell me about it." + +She didn't add that she knew all about it already. + +"You see," said Mr. Spillikins, "you're so awfully sympathetic. It +makes it so easy to talk to you. With other girls, especially with +clever ones, even with Dulphemia. I often feel a perfect jackass beside +them. But I don t feel that way with you at all." + +"Don't you really?" said Philippa, but the honest admiration in Mr. +Spillikin's protruding blue eyes forbade a sarcastic answer. + +"By Jove!" said Mr. Spillikins presently, with complete irrelevance, "I +hope you don't mind my saying it, but you look awfully well in +white--stunning." He felt that a man who was affianced, or practically +so, was allowed the smaller liberty of paying honest compliments. + +"Oh, this old thing," laughed Philippa, with a contemptuous shake of +her dress. "But up here, you know, we just wear anything." She didn't +say that this old thing was only two weeks old and had cost eighty +dollars, or the equivalent of one person's pew rent at St. Asaph's for +six months. + +And after that they had only time, so it seemed to Mr. Spillikins, for +two or three remarks, and he had scarcely had leisure to reflect what a +charming girl Philippa had grown to be since she went to Bermuda--the +effect, no doubt, of the climate of those fortunate islands--when quite +suddenly they rounded a curve into an avenue of nodding trees, and +there were the great lawn and wide piazzas and the conservatories of +Castel Casteggio right in front of them. + +"Here we are," said Philippa, "and there's Mr. Newberry out on the +lawn." + + * * * * * + +"Now, here," Mr. Newberry was saying a little later, waving his hand, +"is where you get what I think the finest view of the place." + +He was standing at the corner of the lawn where it sloped, dotted with +great trees, to the banks of the little lake, and was showing Mr. +Spillikins the beauties of Castel Casteggio. + +Mr. Newberry wore on his short circular person the summer costume of a +man taking his ease and careless of dress: plain white flannel +trousers, not worth more than six dollars a leg, an ordinary white silk +shirt with a rolled collar, that couldn't have cost more than fifteen +dollars, and on his head an ordinary Panama hat, say forty dollars. + +"By Jove!" said Mr. Spillikins, as he looked about him at the house and +the beautiful lawn with its great trees, "it's a lovely place." + +"Isn't it?" said Mr. Newberry. "But you ought to have seen it when I +took hold of it. To make the motor road alone I had to dynamite out +about a hundred yards of rock, and then I fetched up cement, tons and +tons of it, and boulders to buttress the embankment." + +"Did you really!" said Mr. Spillikins, looking at Mr. Newberry with +great respect. + +"Yes, and even that was nothing to the house itself. Do you know, I had +to go at least forty feet for the foundations. First I went through +about twenty feet of loose clay, after that I struck sand, and I'd no +sooner got through that than, by George! I landed in eight feet of +water. I had to pump it out; I think I took out a thousand gallons +before I got clear down to the rock. Then I took my solid steel beams +in fifty-foot lengths," here Mr. Newberry imitated with his arms the +action of a man setting up a steel beam, "and set them upright and +bolted them on the rock. After that I threw my steel girders across, +clapped on my roof rafters, all steel, in sixty-foot pieces, and then +just held it easily, just supported it a bit, and let it sink gradually +to its place." + +Mr. Newberry illustrated with his two arms the action of a huge house +being allowed to sink slowly to a firm rest. + +"You don't say so!" said Mr. Spillikins, lost in amazement at the +wonderful physical strength that Mr. Newberry must have. + +"Excuse me just a minute," broke off Mr. Newberry, "while I smooth out +the gravel where you're standing. You've rather disturbed it, I'm +afraid." + +"Oh, I'm awfully sorry," said Mr. Spillikins. + +"Oh, not at all, not at all," said his host. "I don't mind in the +least. It's only on account of McAlister." + +"Who?" asked Mr. Spillikins. + +"My gardener. He doesn't care to have us walk on the gravel paths. It +scuffs up the gravel so. But sometimes one forgets." + +It should be said here, for the sake of clearness, that one of the +chief glories of Castel Casteggio lay in its servants. All of them, it +goes without saying, had been brought from Great Britain. The comfort +they gave to Mr. and Mrs. Newberry was unspeakable. In fact, as they +themselves admitted, servants of the kind are simply not to be found in +America. + +"Our Scotch gardener," Mrs. Newberry always explained "is a perfect +character. I don't know how we could get another like him. Do you know, +my dear, he simply won't allow us to pick the roses; and if any of us +walk across the grass he is furious. And he positively refuses to let +us use the vegetables. He told me quite plainly that if we took any of +his young peas or his early cucumbers he would leave. We are to have +them later on when he's finished growing them." + +"How delightful it is to have servants of that sort," the lady +addressed would murmur; "so devoted and so different from servants on +this side of the water. Just imagine, my dear, my chauffeur, when I was +in Colorado, actually threatened to leave me merely because I wanted to +reduce his wages. I think it's these wretched labour unions." + +"I'm sure it is. Of course we have trouble with McAlister at times, but +he's always very reasonable when we put things in the right light. Last +week, for example, I was afraid that we had gone too far with him. He +is always accustomed to have a quart of beer every morning at half-past +ten--the maids are told to bring it out to him, and after that he goes +to sleep in the little arbour beside the tulip bed. And the other day +when he went there he found that one of our guests who hadn't been +told, was actually sitting in there reading. Of course he was +_furious_. I was afraid for the moment that he would give notice on the +spot." + +"What _would_ you have done?" + +"Positively, my dear, I don't know. But we explained to him at once +that it was only an accident and that the person hadn't known and that +of course it wouldn't occur again. After that he was softened a little, +but he went off muttering to himself, and that evening he dug up all +the new tulips and threw them over the fence. We saw him do it, but we +didn't dare say anything." + +"Oh no," echoed the other lady; "if you had you might have lost him." + +"Exactly. And I don't think we could possibly get another man like him; +at least, not on this side of the water." + + * * * * * + +"But come," said Mr. Newberry, after he had finished adjusting the +gravel with his foot, "there are Mrs. Newberry and the girls on the +verandah. Let's go and join them." + +A few minutes later Mr. Spillikins was talking with Mrs. Newberry and +Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown, and telling Mrs. Newberry what a beautiful +house she had. Beside them stood Philippa Furlong, and she had her arm +around Dulphemia's waist; and the picture that they thus made, with +their heads close together, Dulphemia's hair being golden and +Philippa's chestnut-brown, was such that Mr. Spillikins had no eyes for +Mrs. Newberry nor for Castel Casteggio nor for anything. So much so +that he practically didn't see at all the little girl in green that +stood unobtrusively on the further side of Mrs. Newberry. Indeed, +though somebody had murmured her name in introduction, he couldn't have +repeated it if asked two minutes afterwards. His eyes and his mind were +elsewhere. + +But hers were not. + +For the Little Girl in Green looked at Mr. Spillikins with wide eyes, +and when she looked at him she saw all at once such wonderful things +about him as nobody had ever seen before. + +For she could see from the poise of his head how awfully clever he was; +and from the way he stood with his hands in his side pockets she could +see how manly and brave he must be; and of course there was firmness +and strength written all over him. In short, she saw as she looked such +a Peter Spillikins as truly never existed, or could exist--or at least +such a Peter Spillikins as no one else in the world had ever suspected +before. + +All in a moment she was ever so glad that she accepted Mrs. Newberry's +invitation to Castel Casteggio and hadn't been afraid to come. For the +Little Girl in Green, whose Christian name was Norah, was only what is +called a poor relation of Mrs. Newberry, and her father was a person of +no account whatever, who didn't belong to the Mausoleum Club or to any +other club, and who lived, with Norah, on a street that nobody who was +anybody lived upon. Norah had been asked up a few days before out of +the City to give her air--which is the only thing that can be safely +and freely given to poor relations. Thus she had arrived at Castel +Casteggio with one diminutive trunk, so small and shabby that even the +servants who carried it upstairs were ashamed of it. In it were a pair +of brand new tennis shoes (at ninety cents reduced to seventy-five) and +a white dress of the kind that is called "almost evening," and such few +other things as poor relations might bring with fear and trembling to +join in the simple rusticity of the rich. + +Thus stood Norah looking at Mr. Spillikins. + +As for him, such is the contrariety of human things, he had no eyes for +her at all. + +"What a perfectly charming house this is," Mr. Spillikins was saying. +He always said this on such occasions, but it seemed to the Little Girl +in Green that he spoke with wonderful social ease. + +"I am so glad you think so," said Mrs. Newberry (this was what she +always answered); "you've no idea what work it has been. This year we +put in all this new glass in the east conservatory, over a thousand +panes. Such a tremendous business!" + +"I was just telling Mr. Spillikins," said Mr. Newberry, "about the work +we had blasting out the motor road. You can see the gap where it lies +better from here, I think, Spillikins. I must have exploded a ton and a +half of dynamite on it." + +"By Jove!" said Mr. Spillikins; "it must be dangerous work eh? I wonder +you aren't afraid of it." + +"One simply gets used to it, that's all," said Newberry, shrugging his +shoulders; "but of course it is dangerous. I blew up two Italians on +the last job." He paused a minute and added musingly, "Hardy fellows, +the Italians. I prefer them to any other people for blasting." + +"Did you blow them up yourself?" asked Mr. Spillikins. + +"I wasn't here," answered Mr. Newberry. "In fact, I never care to be +here when I'm blasting. We go to town. But I had to foot the bill for +them all the same. Quite right, too. The risk, of course, was mine, not +theirs; that's the law, you know. They cost me two thousand each." + +"But come," said Mrs. Newberry, "I think we must go and dress for +dinner. Franklin will be frightfully put out if we're late. Franklin is +our butler," she went on, seeing that Mr. Spillikins didn't understand +the reference, "and as we brought him out from England we have to be +rather careful. With a good man like Franklin one is always so afraid +of losing him--and after last night we have to be doubly careful." + +"Why last night?" asked Mr. Spillikins. + +"Oh, it wasn't much," said Mrs. Newberry. "In fact, it was merely an +accident. Only it just chanced that at dinner, quite late in the meal, +when we had had nearly everything (we dine very simply here, Mr. +Spillikins), Mr. Newberry, who was thirsty and who wasn't really +thinking what he was saying, asked Franklin to give him a glass of +hock. Franklin said at once, 'I'm very sorry, sir, I don't care to +serve hock after the entree!'" + +"And of course he was right," said Dulphemia with emphasis. "Exactly; +he was perfectly right. They know, you know. We were afraid that there +might be trouble, but Mr. Newberry went and saw Franklin afterwards and +he behaved very well over it. But suppose we go and dress? It's +half-past six already and we've only an hour." + + * * * * * + +In this congenial company Mr. Spillikins spent the next three days. + +Life at Castel Casteggio, as the Newberrys loved to explain, was +conducted on the very simplest plan. Early breakfast, country fashion, +at nine o'clock; after that nothing to eat till lunch, unless one cared +to have lemonade or bottled ale sent out with a biscuit or a macaroon +to the tennis court. Lunch itself was a perfectly plain midday meal, +lasting till about 1.30, and consisting simply of cold meats (say four +kinds) and salads, with perhaps a made dish or two, and, for anybody +who cared for it, a hot steak or a chop, or both. After that one had +coffee and cigarettes in the shade of the piazza and waited for +afternoon tea. This latter was served at a wicker table in any part of +the grounds that the gardener was not at that moment clipping, +trimming, or otherwise using. Afternoon tea being over, one rested or +walked on the lawn till it was time to dress for dinner. + +This simple routine was broken only by irruptions of people in motors +or motor boats from Penny-gw-rydd or Yodel-Dudel Chalet. + +The whole thing, from the point of view of Mr. Spillikins or Dulphemia +or Philippa, represented rusticity itself. + +To the Little Girl in Green it seemed as brilliant as the Court of +Versailles; especially evening dinner--a plain home meal as the others +thought it--when she had four glasses to drink out of and used to +wonder over such problems as whether you were supposed, when Franklin +poured out wine, to tell him to stop or to wait till he stopped without +being told to stop; and other similar mysteries, such as many people +before and after have meditated upon. + +During all this time Mr. Spillikins was nerving himself to propose to +Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown. In fact, he spent part of his time walking +up and down under the trees with Philippa Furlong and discussing with +her the proposal that he meant to make, together with such topics as +marriage in general and his own unworthiness. + +He might have waited indefinitely had he not learned, on the third day +of his visit, that Dulphemia was to go away in the morning to join her +father at Nagahakett. + +That evening he found the necessary nerve to speak, and the proposal in +almost every aspect of it was most successful. + +"By Jove!" Spillikins said to Philippa Furlong next morning, in +explaining what had happened, "she was awfully nice about it. I think +she must have guessed, in a way, don't you, what I was going to say? +But at any rate she was awfully nice--let me say everything I wanted, +and when I explained what a fool I was, she said she didn't think I was +half such a fool as people thought me. But it's all right. It turns out +that she isn't thinking of getting married. I asked her if I might +always go on thinking of her, and she said I might." + +And that morning when Dulphemia was carried off in the motor to the +station, Mr. Spillikins, without exactly being aware how he had done +it, had somehow transferred himself to Philippa. + +"Isn't she a splendid girl!" he said at least ten times a day to Norah, +the Little Girl in Green. And Norah always agreed, because she really +thought Philippa a perfectly wonderful creature. There is no doubt +that, but for a slight shift of circumstances, Mr. Spillikins would +have proposed to Miss Furlong. Indeed, he spent a good part of his time +rehearsing little speeches that began, "Of course I know I'm an awful +ass in a way," or, "Of course I know that I'm not at all the sort of +fellow," and so on. + +But not one of them ever was delivered. + +For it so happened that on the Thursday, one week after Mr. +Spillikins's arrival, Philippa went again to the station in the motor. +And when she came back there was another passenger with her, a tall +young man in tweed, and they both began calling out to the Newberrys +from a distance of at least a hundred yards. + +And both the Newberrys suddenly exclaimed, "Why, it's Tom!" and rushed +off to meet the motor. And there was such a laughing and jubilation as +the two descended and carried Tom's valises to the verandah, that Mr. +Spillikins felt as suddenly and completely out of it as the Little Girl +in Green herself--especially as his ear had caught, among the first +things said, the words, "Congratulate us, Mrs. Newberry, we're engaged." + +After which Mr. Spillikins had the pleasure of sitting and listening +while it was explained in wicker chairs on the verandah, that Philippa +and Tom had been engaged already for ever so long--in fact, nearly two +weeks, only they had agreed not to say a word to anybody till Tom had +gone to North Carolina and back, to see his people. + +And as to who Tom was, or what was the relation between Tom and the +Newberrys, Mr. Spillikins neither knew or cared; nor did it interest +him in the least that Philippa had met Tom in Bermuda, and that she +hadn't known that he even knew the Newberry's nor any other of the +exuberant disclosures of the moment. In fact, if there was any one +period rather than another when Mr. Spillikins felt corroborated in his +private view of himself, it was at this moment. + +So the next day Tom and Philippa vanished together. + +"We shall be quite a small party now," said Mrs. Newberry; "in fact, +quite by ourselves till Mrs. Everleigh comes, and she won't be here for +a fortnight." + +At which the heart of the Little Girl in Green was glad, because she +had been afraid that other girls might be coming, whereas she knew that +Mrs. Everleigh was a widow with four sons and must be ever so old, past +forty. + +The next few days were spent by Mr. Spillikins almost entirely in the +society of Norah. He thought them on the whole rather pleasant days, +but slow. To her they were an uninterrupted dream of happiness never to +be forgotten. + +The Newberrys left them to themselves; not with any intent; it was +merely that they were perpetually busy walking about the grounds of +Castel Casteggio, blowing up things with dynamite, throwing steel +bridges over gullies, and hoisting heavy timber with derricks. Nor were +they to blame for it. For it had not always been theirs to command +dynamite and control the forces of nature. There had been a time, now +long ago, when the two Newberrys had lived, both of them, on twenty +dollars a week, and Mrs. Newberry had made her own dresses, and Mr. +Newberry had spent vigorous evenings in making hand-made shelves for +their sitting-room. That was long ago, and since then Mr. Newberry, +like many other people of those earlier days, had risen to wealth and +Castel Casteggio, while others, like Norah's father, had stayed just +where they were. + +So the Newberrys left Peter and Norah to themselves all day. Even after +dinner, in the evening, Mr. Newberry was very apt to call to his wife +in the dusk from some distant corner of the lawn: + +"Margaret, come over here and tell me if you don't think we might cut +down this elm, tear the stump out by the roots, and throw it into the +ravine." + +And the answer was, "One minute, Edward; just wait till I get a wrap." + +Before they came back, the dusk had grown to darkness, and they had +redynamited half the estate. + +During all of which time Mr. Spillikins sat with Norah on the piazza. +He talked and she listened. He told her, for instance, all about his +terrific experiences in the oil business, and about his exciting career +at college; or presently they went indoors and Norah played the piano +and Mr. Spillikins sat and smoked and listened. In such a house as the +Newberry's, where dynamite and the greater explosives were everyday +matters, a little thing like the use of tobacco in the drawing-room +didn't count. As for the music, "Go right ahead," said Mr. Spillikins; +"I'm not musical, but I don't mind music a bit." + +In the daytime they played tennis. There was a court at one end of the +lawn beneath the trees, all chequered with sunlight and mingled shadow; +very beautiful, Norah thought, though Mr. Spillikins explained that the +spotted light put him off his game. In fact, it was owing entirely to +this bad light that Mr. Spillikins's fast drives, wonderful though they +were, somehow never got inside the service court. + +Norah, of course, thought Mr. Spillikins a wonderful player. She was +glad--in fact, it suited them both--when he beat her six to nothing. +She didn't know and didn't care that there was no one else in the world +that Mr. Spillikins could beat like that. Once he even said to her. + +"By Gad! you don't play half a bad game, you know. I think you know, +with practice you'd come on quite a lot." + +After that the games were understood to be more or less in the form of +lessons, which put Mr. Spillikins on a pedestal of superiority, and +allowed any bad strokes on his part to be viewed as a form of +indulgence. + +Also, as the tennis was viewed in this light, it was Norah's part to +pick up the balls at the net and throw them back to Mr. Spillikins. He +let her do this, not from rudeness, for it wasn't in him, but because +in such a primeval place as Castel Casteggio the natural primitive +relation of the sexes is bound to reassert itself. + +But of love Mr. Spillikins never thought. He had viewed it so eagerly +and so often from a distance that when it stood here modestly at his +very elbow he did not recognize its presence. His mind had been +fashioned, as it were, to connect love with something stunning and +sensational, with Easter hats and harem skirts and the luxurious +consciousness of the unattainable. + +Even at that, there is no knowing what might have happened. Tennis, in +the chequered light of sun and shadow cast by summer leaves, is a +dangerous game. There came a day when they were standing one each side +of the net and Mr. Spillikins was explaining to Norah the proper way to +hold a racquet so as to be able to give those magnificent backhand +sweeps of his, by which he generally drove the ball halfway to the +lake; and explaining this involved putting his hand right over Norah's +on the handle of the racquet, so that for just half a second her hand +was clasped tight in his; and if that half-second had been lengthened +out into a whole second it is quite possible that what was already +subconscious in his mind would have broken its way triumphantly to the +surface, and Norah's hand would have stayed in his--how willingly--! +for the rest of their two lives. + +But just at that moment Mr. Spillikins looked up, and he said in quite +an altered tone. + +"By Jove! who's that awfully good-looking woman getting out of the +motor?" + +And their hands unclasped. Norah looked over towards the house and said: + +"Why, it's Mrs. Everleigh. I thought she wasn't coming for another +week." + +"I say," said Mr. Spillikins, straining his short sight to the +uttermost, "what perfectly wonderful golden hair, eh?" "Why, it's--" +Norah began, and then she stopped. It didn't seem right to explain that +Mrs. Everleigh's hair was dyed. "And who's that tall chap standing +beside her?" said Mr. Spillikins. + +"I think it's Captain Cormorant, but I don't think he's going to stay. +He's only brought her up in the motor from town." "By Jove, how good of +him!" said Spillikins; and this sentiment in regard to Captain +Cormorant, though he didn't know it, was to become a keynote of his +existence. + +"I didn't know she was coming so soon," said Norah, and there was +weariness already in her heart. Certainly she didn't know it; still +less did she know, or anyone else, that the reason of Mrs. Everleigh's +coming was because Mr. Spillikins was there. She came with a set +purpose, and she sent Captain Cormorant directly back in the motor +because she didn't want him on the premises. + +"Oughtn't we to go up to the house?" said Norah. + +"All right," said Mr. Spillikins with great alacrity, "let's go." + + * * * * * + +Now as this story began with the information that Mrs. Everleigh is at +present Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins, there is no need to pursue in detail +the stages of Mr. Spillikins's wooing. Its course was swift and happy. +Mr. Spillikins, having seen the back of Mrs. Everleigh's head, had +decided instantly that she was the most beautiful woman in the world; +and that impression is not easily corrected in the half-light of a +shaded drawing-room; nor across a dinner-table lighted only with +candles with deep red shades; nor even in the daytime through a veil. +In any case, it is only fair to state that if Mrs. Everleigh was not +and is not a singularly beautiful woman, Mr. Spillikins still doesn't +know it. And in point of attraction the homage of such experts as +Captain Cormorant and Lieutenant Hawk speaks for itself. + +So the course of Mr. Spillikins's love, for love it must have been, ran +swiftly to its goal. Each stage of it was duly marked by his comments +to Norah. + +"She _is_ a splendid woman," he said, "so sympathetic. She always seems +to know just what one's going to say." + +So she did, for she was making him say it. + +"By Jove!" he said a day later, "Mrs. Everleigh's an awfully fine +woman, isn't she? I was telling her about my having been in the oil +business for a little while, and she thinks that I'd really be awfully +good in money things. She said she wished she had me to manage her +money for her." + +This also was quite true, except that Mrs. Everleigh had not made it +quite clear that the management of her money was of the form generally +known as deficit financing. In fact, her money was, very crudely +stated, nonexistent, and it needed a lot of management. + +A day or two later Mr. Spillikins was saying, "I think Mrs. Everleigh +must have had great sorrow, don't you? Yesterday she was showing me a +photograph of her little boy--she has a little boy you know--" + +"Yes, I know," said Norah. She didn't add that she knew that Mrs. +Everleigh had four. + +"--and she was saying how awfully rough it is having him always away +from her at Dr. Something's academy where he is." + +And very soon after that Mr. Spillikins was saying, with quite a quaver +in his voice, + +"By Jove! yes, I'm awfully lucky; I never thought for a moment that +she'd have me, you know--a woman like her, with so much attention and +everything. I can't imagine what she sees in me." + +Which was just as well. + +And then Mr. Spillikins checked himself, for he noticed--this was on +the verandah in the morning--that Norah had a hat and jacket on and +that the motor was rolling towards the door. + +"I say," he said, "are you going away?" + +"Yes, didn't you know?" Norah said. "I thought you heard them speaking +of it at dinner last night. I have to go home; father's alone, you +know." + +"Oh, I'm awfully sorry," said Mr. Spillikins; "we shan't have any more +tennis." + +"Goodbye," said Norah, and as she said it and put out her hand there +were tears brimming up into her eyes. But Mr. Spillikins, being short +of sight, didn't see them. + +"Goodbye," he said. + +Then as the motor carried her away he stood for a moment in a sort of +reverie. Perhaps certain things that might have been rose unformed and +inarticulate before his mind. And then, a voice called from the +drawing-room within, in a measured and assured tone, + +"Peter, darling, where are you?" + +"Coming," cried Mr. Spillikins, and he came. + + * * * * * + +On the second day of the engagement Mrs. Everleigh showed to Peter a +little photograph in a brooch. + +"This is Gib, my second little boy," she said. + +Mr. Spillikins started to say, "I didn't know--" and then checked +himself and said, "By Gad! what a fine-looking little chap, eh? I'm +awfully fond of boys." + +"Dear little fellow, isn't he?" said Mrs. Everleigh. "He's really +rather taller than that now, because this picture was taken a little +while ago." + +And the next day she said, "This is Willie, my third boy," and on the +day after that she said, "This is Sib, my youngest boy; I'm sure you'll +love him." + +"I'm sure I shall," said Mr. Spillikins. He loved him already for being +the youngest. + + * * * * * + +And so in the fulness of time--nor was it so very full either, in fact, +only about five weeks--Peter Spillikins and Mrs. Everleigh were married +in St. Asaph's Church on Plutoria Avenue. And the wedding was one of +the most beautiful and sumptuous of the weddings of the September +season. There were flowers, and bridesmaids in long veils, and tall +ushers in frock-coats, and awnings at the church door, and strings of +motors with wedding-favours on imported chauffeurs, and all that goes +to invest marriage on Plutoria Avenue with its peculiar sacredness. The +face of the young rector, Mr. Fareforth Furlong, wore the added +saintliness that springs from a five-hundred dollar fee. The whole town +was there, or at least everybody that was anybody; and if there was one +person absent, one who sat by herself in the darkened drawing-room of a +dull little house on a shabby street, who knew or cared? + +So after the ceremony the happy couple--for were they not so?--left for +New York. There they spent their honeymoon. They had thought of +going--it was Mr. Spillikins's idea--to the coast of Maine. But Mrs. +Everleigh-Spillikins said that New York was much nicer, so restful, +whereas, as everyone knows, the coast of Maine is frightfully noisy. + +Moreover, it so happened that before the Everleigh-Spillikinses had +been more than four or five days in New York the ship of Captain +Cormorant dropped anchor in the Hudson; and when the anchor of that +ship was once down it generally stayed there. So the captain was able +to take the Everleigh-Spillikinses about in New York, and to give a tea +for Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins on the deck of his vessel so that she +might meet the officers, and another tea in a private room of a +restaurant on Fifth Avenue so that she might meet no one but himself. + +And at this tea Captain Cormorant said, among other things, "Did he +kick up rough at all when you told him about the money?" + +And Mrs. Everleigh, now Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins, said, "Not he! I +think he is actually pleased to know that I haven't any. Do you know, +Arthur, he's really an awfully good fellow," and as she said it she +moved her hand away from under Captain Cormorant's on the tea-table. + +"I say," said the Captain, "don't get sentimental over him." + + * * * * * + +So that is how it is that the Everleigh-Spillikinses came to reside on +Plutoria Avenue in a beautiful stone house, with a billiard-room in an +extension on the second floor. Through the windows of it one can almost +hear the click of the billiard balls, and a voice saying, "Hold on, +father, you had your shot." + + + +CHAPTER SIX: The Rival Churches of St. Asaph and St. Osoph + +The church of St. Asaph, more properly call St. Asaph's in the Fields, +stands among the elm trees of Plutoria Avenue opposite the university, +its tall spire pointing to the blue sky. Its rector is fond of saying +that it seems to him to point, as it were, a warning against the sins +of a commercial age. More particularly does he say this in his Lenten +services at noonday, when the businessmen sit in front of him in rows, +their bald heads uncovered and their faces stamped with contrition as +they think of mergers that they should have made, and real estate that +they failed to buy for lack of faith. + +The ground on which St. Asaph's stands is worth seven dollars and a +half a foot. The mortgagees, as they kneel in prayer in their long +frock-coats, feel that they have built upon a rock. It is a beautifully +appointed church. There are windows with priceless stained glass that +were imported from Normandy, the rector himself swearing out the +invoices to save the congregation the grievous burden of the customs +duty. There is a pipe organ in the transept that cost ten thousand +dollars to install. The debenture-holders, as they join in the morning +anthem, love to hear the dulcet notes of the great organ and to reflect +that it is as good as new. Just behind the church is St. Asaph's Sunday +School, with a ten-thousand dollar mortgage of its own. And below that +again on the side street, is the building of the Young Men's Guild with +a bowling-alley and a swimming-bath deep enough to drown two young men +at a time, and a billiard-room with seven tables. It is the rector's +boast that with a Guild House such as that there is no need for any +young man of the congregation to frequent a saloon. Nor is there. + +And on Sunday mornings, when the great organ plays, and the mortgagees +and the bond-holders and the debenture-holders and the Sunday school +teachers and the billiard-markers all lift up their voices together, +there is emitted from St. Asaph's a volume of praise that is +practically as fine and effective as paid professional work. + +St. Asaph's is episcopal. As a consequence it has in it and about it +all those things which go to make up the episcopal church--brass +tablets let into its walls, blackbirds singing in its elm trees, +parishioners who dine at eight o'clock, and a rector who wears a little +crucifix and dances the tango. + +On the other hand, there stands upon the same street, not a hundred +yards away, the rival church of St. Osoph--presbyterian down to its +very foundations in bed-rock, thirty feet below the level of the +avenue. It has a short, squat tower--and a low roof, and its narrow +windows are glazed with frosted glass. It has dark spruce trees instead +of elms, crows instead of blackbirds, and a gloomy minister with a +shovel hat who lectures on philosophy on week-days at the university. +He loves to think that his congregation are made of the lowly and the +meek in spirit, and to reflect that, lowly and meek as they are, there +are men among them that could buy out half the congregation of St. +Asaph's. + +St. Osoph's is only presbyterian in a special sense. It is, in fact, +too presbyterian to be any longer connected with any other body +whatsoever. It seceded some forty years ago from the original body to +which it belonged, and later on, with three other churches, it seceded +from the group of seceding congregations. Still later it fell into a +difference with the three other churches on the question of eternal +punishment, the word "eternal" not appearing to the elders of St. +Osoph's to designate a sufficiently long period. The dispute ended in a +secession which left the church of St. Osoph practically isolated in a +world of sin whose approaching fate it neither denied nor deplored. + +In one respect the rival churches of Plutoria Avenue had had a similar +history. Each of them had moved up by successive stages from the lower +and poorer parts of the city. Forty years ago St. Asaph's had been +nothing more than a little frame church with a tin spire, away in the +west of the slums, and St. Osoph's a square, diminutive building away +in the east. But the site of St. Asaph's had been bought by a brewing +company, and the trustees, shrewd men of business, themselves rising +into wealth, had rebuilt it right in the track of the advancing tide of +a real estate boom. The elders of St. Osoph, quiet men, but illumined +by an inner light, had followed suit and moved their church right +against the side of an expanding distillery. Thus both the churches, as +decade followed decade, made their way up the slope of the City till +St. Asaph's was presently gloriously expropriated by the street railway +company, and planted its spire in triumph on Plutoria Avenue itself. +But St. Osoph's followed. With each change of site it moved nearer and +nearer to St. Asaph's. Its elders were shrewd men. With each move of +their church they took careful thought in the rebuilding. In the +manufacturing district it was built with sixteen windows on each side +and was converted at a huge profit into a bicycle factory. On the +residential street it was made long and deep and was sold to a +moving-picture company without the alteration of so much as a pew. As a +last step a syndicate, formed among the members of the congregation +themselves, bought ground on Plutoria Avenue, and sublet it to +themselves as a site for the church, at a nominal interest of five per +cent per annum, payable nominally every three months and secured by a +nominal mortgage. + +As the two churches moved, their congregations, or at least all that +was best of them--such members as were sharing in the rising fortunes +of the City--moved also, and now for some six or seven years the two +churches and the two congregations had confronted one another among the +elm trees of the Avenue opposite to the university. + +But at this point the fortunes of the churches had diverged. St. +Asaph's was a brilliant success; St. Osoph's was a failure. Even its +own trustees couldn't deny it. At a time when St. Asaph's was not only +paying its interest but showing a handsome surplus on everything it +undertook, the church of St. Osoph was moving steadily backwards. + +There was no doubt, of course, as to the cause. Everybody knew it. It +was simply a question of men, and, as everybody said, one had only to +compare the two men conducting the churches to see why one succeeded +and the other failed. + +The Reverend Edward Fareforth Furlong of St. Asaph's was a man who +threw his whole energy into his parish work. The subtleties of +theological controversy he left to minds less active than his own. His +creed was one of works rather than of words, and whatever he was doing +he did it with his whole heart. Whether he was lunching at the +Mausoleum Club with one of his church wardens, or playing the +flute--which he played as only the episcopal clergy can play +it--accompanied on the harp by one of the fairest of the ladies of his +choir, or whether he was dancing the new episcopal tango with the +younger daughters of the elder parishioners, he threw himself into it +with all his might. He could drink tea more gracefully and play tennis +better than any clergyman on this side of the Atlantic. He could stand +beside the white stone font of St. Asaph's in his long white surplice +holding a white-robed infant, worth half a million dollars, looking as +beautifully innocent as the child itself, and drawing from every matron +of the congregation with unmarried daughters the despairing cry, "What +a pity that he has no children of his own!" + +Equally sound was his theology. No man was known to preach shorter +sermons or to explain away the book of Genesis more agreeably than the +rector of St. Asaph's; and if he found it necessary to refer to the +Deity he did so under the name of Jehovah or Jah, or even Yaweh in a +manner calculated not to hurt the sensitiveness of any of the +parishioners. People who would shudder at brutal talk of the older +fashion about the wrath of God listened with well-bred interest to a +sermon on the personal characteristics of Jah. In the same way Mr. +Furlong always referred to the devil, not as Satan but as Su or Swa, +which took all the sting out of him. Beelzebub he spoke of as +Behel-Zawbab, which rendered him perfectly harmless. The Garden of Eden +he spoke of as the Paradeisos, which explained it entirely; the flood +as the Diluvium, which cleared it up completely; and Jonah he named, +after the correct fashion Jon Nah, which put the whole situation (his +being swallowed by Baloo or the Great Lizard) on a perfectly +satisfactory footing. Hell itself was spoken of as She-ol, and it +appeared that it was not a place of burning, but rather of what one +might describe as moral torment. This settled She-ol once and for all: +nobody minds moral torment. In short, there was nothing in the +theological system of Mr. Furlong that need have occasioned in any of +his congregation a moment's discomfort. + +There could be no greater contrast with Mr. Fareforth Furlong than the +minister of St. Osoph's, the Rev. Dr. McTeague, who was also honorary +professor of philosophy at the university. The one was young, the other +was old; the one could dance the other could not; the one moved about +at church picnics and lawn teas among a bevy of disciples in pink and +blue sashes; the other moped around under the trees of the university +campus with blinking eyes that saw nothing and an abstracted mind that +had spent fifty years in trying to reconcile Hegel with St. Paul, and +was still busy with it. Mr. Furlong went forward with the times; Dr. +McTeague slid quietly backwards with the centuries. + +Dr. McTeague was a failure, and all his congregation knew it. "He is +not up to date," they said. That was his crowning sin. "He don't go +forward any," said the business members of the congregation. "That old +man believes just exactly the same sort of stuff now that he did forty +years ago. What's more, he preaches it. You can't run a church that +way, can you?" + +His trustees had done their best to meet the difficulty. They had +offered Dr. McTeague a two-years' vacation to go and see the Holy Land. +He refused; he said he could picture it. They reduced his salary by +fifty per cent; he never noticed it. They offered him an assistant; but +he shook his head, saying that he didn't know where he could find a man +to do just the work that he was doing. Meantime he mooned about among +the trees concocting a mixture of St. Paul with Hegel, three parts to +one, for his Sunday sermon, and one part to three for his Monday +lecture. + +No doubt it was his dual function that was to blame for his failure. +And this, perhaps, was the fault of Dr. Boomer, the president of the +university. Dr. Boomer, like all university presidents of today, +belonged to the presbyterian church; or rather, to state it more +correctly, he included presbyterianism within himself. He was of +course, a member of the board of management of St. Osoph's and it was +he who had urged, very strongly, the appointment of Dr. McTeague, then +senior professor of philosophy, as minister. + +"A saintly man," he said, "the very man for the post. If you should ask +me whether he is entirely at home as a professor of philosophy on our +staff at the university, I should be compelled to say no. We are forced +to admit that as a lecturer he does not meet our views. He appears to +find it difficult to keep religion out of his teaching. In fact, his +lectures are suffused with a rather dangerous attempt at moral teaching +which is apt to contaminate our students. But in the Church I should +imagine that would be, if anything, an advantage. Indeed, if you were +to come to me and say, 'Boomer, we wish to appoint Dr. McTeague as our +minister,' I should say, quite frankly, 'Take him.'" + +So Dr. McTeague had been appointed. Then, to the surprise of everybody +he refused to give up his lectures in philosophy. He said he felt a +call to give them. The salary, he said, was of no consequence. He wrote +to Mr. Furlong senior (the father of the episcopal rector and honorary +treasurer of the Plutoria University) and stated that he proposed to +give his lectures for nothing. The trustees of the college protested; +they urged that the case might set a dangerous precedent which other +professors might follow. While fully admitting that Dr. McTeague's +lectures were well worth giving for nothing, they begged him to +reconsider his offer. But he refused; and from that day on, in spite of +all offers that he should retire on double his salary, that he should +visit the Holy Land, or Syria, or Armenia, where the dreadful massacres +of Christians were taking place, Dr. McTeague clung to his post with a +tenacity worthy of the best traditions of Scotland. His only internal +perplexity was that he didn't see how, when the time came for him to +die, twenty or thirty years hence, they would ever be able to replace +him. Such was the situation of the two churches on a certain beautiful +morning in June, when an unforeseen event altered entirely the current +of their fortunes. + + * * * * * + +"No, thank you, Juliana," said the young rector to his sister across +the breakfast table--and there was something as near to bitterness in +his look as his saintly, smooth-shaven face was capable of +reflecting--"no, thank you, no more porridge. Prunes? no, no, thank +you; I don't think I care for any. And, by the way," he added, "don't +bother to keep any lunch for me. I have a great deal of business--that +is, of work in the parish--to see to, and I must just find time to get +a bite of something to eat when and where I can." + +In his own mind he was resolving that the place should be the Mausoleum +Club and the time just as soon as the head waiter would serve him. + +After which the Reverend Edward Fareforth Furlong bowed his head for a +moment in a short, silent blessing--the one prescribed by the episcopal +church in America for a breakfast of porridge and prunes. + +It was their first breakfast together, and it spoke volumes to the +rector. He knew what it implied. It stood for his elder sister +Juliana's views on the need of personal sacrifice as a means of grace. +The rector sighed as he rose. He had never missed his younger sister +Philippa, now married and departed, so keenly. Philippa had had +opinions of her own on bacon and eggs and on lamb chops with watercress +as a means of stimulating the soul. But Juliana was different. The +rector understood now exactly why it was that his father had exclaimed, +on the news of Philippa's engagement, without a second's hesitation, +"Then, of course, Juliana must live with you! Nonsense, my dear boy, +nonsense! It's my duty to spare her to you. After all, I can always eat +at the club; they can give me a bite of something or other, surely. To +a man of my age, Edward, food is really of no consequence. No, no; +Juliana must move into the rectory at once." + +The rector's elder sister rose. She looked tall and sallow and +forbidding in the plain black dress that contrasted sadly with the +charming clerical costumes of white and pink and the broad episcopal +hats with flowers in them that Philippa used to wear for morning work +in the parish. + +"For what time shall I order dinner?" she asked. "You and Philippa used +to have it at half-past seven, did you not? Don't you think that rather +too late?" + +"A trifle perhaps," said the rector uneasily. He didn't care to explain +to Juliana that it was impossible to get home any earlier from the kind +of _the dansant_ that everybody was giving just now. "But don't trouble +about dinner. I may be working very late. If I need anything to eat I +shall get a biscuit and some tea at the Guild Rooms, or--" + +He didn't finish the sentence, but in his mind he added, "or else a +really first-class dinner at the Mausoleum Club, or at the Newberrys' +or the Rasselyer-Browns'--anywhere except here." + +"If you are going, then," said Juliana, "may I have the key of the +church." + +A look of pain passed over the rector's face. He knew perfectly well +what Juliana wanted the key for. She meant to go into his church and +pray in it. + +The rector of St. Asaph's was, he trusted, as broad-minded a man as an +Anglican clergyman ought to be. He had no objection to any reasonable +use of his church--for a thanksgiving festival or for musical recitals +for example--but when it came to opening up the church and using it to +pray in, the thing was going a little too far. What was more, he had an +idea from the look on Juliana's face that she meant to pray for _him_. +This, for a clergy man, was hard to bear. Philippa, like the good girl +that she was, had prayed only for herself, and then only at the proper +times and places, and in a proper praying costume. The rector began to +realize what difficulties it might make for a clergyman to have a +religious sister as his house-mate. + +But he was never a man for unseemly argument. "It is hanging in my +study," he said. + +And with that the Rev. Fareforth Furlong passed into the hall took up +the simple silk hat, the stick and gloves of the working clergyman and +walked out on to the avenue to begin his day's work in the parish. + +The rector's parish viewed in its earthly aspect, was a singularly +beautiful place. For it extended all along Plutoria Avenue, where the +street is widest and the elm trees are at their leafiest and the motors +at their very drowsiest. It lay up and down the shaded side streets of +the residential district, darkened with great chestnuts and hushed in a +stillness that was almost religion itself. There was not a house in the +parish assessed at less than twenty-five thousand, and in very heart of +it the Mausoleum Club, with its smooth white stone and its Grecian +architecture, carried one back to the ancient world and made one think +of Athens and of Paul preaching on Mars Hill. It was, all considered, a +splendid thing to fight sin in such a parish and to keep it out of it. +For kept out it was. One might look the length and breadth of the broad +avenue and see no sign of sin all along it. There was certainly none in +the smooth faces of the chauffeurs trundling their drowsy motors; no +sign of it in the expensive children paraded by imported nursemaids in +the chequered light of the shaded street; least of all was there any +sign of it in the Stock Exchange members of the congregation as they +walked along side by side to their lunch at the Mausoleum Club, their +silk hats nodding together in earnest colloquy on Shares Preferred and +Profits Undivided. So might have walked, so must have walked, the very +Fathers of the Church themselves. + +Whatever sin there was in the City was shoved sideways into the roaring +streets of commerce where the elevated railway ran, and below that +again into the slums. Here there must have been any quantity of sin. +The rector of St. Asaph's was certain of it. Many of the richer of his +parishioners had been down in parties late at night to look at it, and +the ladies of his congregation were joined together into all sorts of +guilds and societies and bands of endeavour for stamping it out and +driving it under or putting it into jail till it surrendered. + +But the slums lay outside the rector's parish. He had no right to +interfere. They were under the charge of a special mission or +auxiliary, a remnant of the St. Asaph's of the past, placed under the +care of a divinity student, at four hundred dollars per annum. His +charge included all the slums and three police courts and two music +halls and the City jail. One Sunday afternoon in every three months the +rector and several ladies went down and sang hymns for him in his +mission-house. But his work was really very easy. A funeral, for +example, at the mission, was a simple affair, meaning nothing more than +the preparation of a plain coffin and a glassless hearse and the +distribution of a few artificial everlasting flowers to women crying in +their aprons; a thing easily done: whereas in St. Asaph's parish, where +all the really important souls were, a funeral was a large event, +requiring taste and tact, and a nice shading of delicacy in +distinguishing mourners from beneficiaries, and private grief from +business representation at the ceremony. A funeral with a plain coffin +and a hearse was as nothing beside an interment, with a casket +smothered in hot-house syringas, borne in a coach and followed by +special reporters from the financial papers. + +It appeared to the rector afterwards as almost a shocking coincidence +that the first person whom he met upon the avenue should have been the +Rev. Dr. McTeague himself. Mr. Furlong gave him the form of amiable +"good morning" that the episcopal church always extends to those in +error. But he did not hear it. The minister's head was bent low, his +eyes gazed into vacancy, and from the movements of his lips and from +the fact that he carried a leather case of notes, he was plainly on his +way to his philosophical lecture. But the rector had no time to muse +upon the abstracted appearance of his rival. For, as always happened to +him, he was no sooner upon the street than his parish work of the day +began. In fact, he had hardly taken a dozen steps after passing Dr. +McTeague when he was brought up standing by two beautiful parishioners +with pink parasols. + +"Oh, Mr. Furlong," exclaimed one of them, "so fortunate to happen to +catch you; we were just going into the rectory to consult you. Should +the girls--for the lawn tea for the Guild on Friday, you know--wear +white dresses with light blue sashes all the same, or do you think we +might allow them to wear any coloured sashes that they like? What do +you think?" + +This was an important problem. In fact, there was a piece of parish +work here that it took the Reverend Fareforth half an hour to attend to +standing the while in earnest colloquy with the two ladies under the +shadow of the elm trees. But a clergyman must never be grudging of his +time. + +"Goodbye then," they said at last. "Are you coming to the Browning Club +this morning? Oh, so sorry! but we shall see you at the musicale this +afternoon, shall we not?" + +"Oh, I trust so," said the rector. + +"How dreadfully hard he works," said the ladies to one another as they +moved away. + +Thus slowly and with many interruptions the rector made his progress +along the avenue. At times he stopped to permit a pink-cheeked infant +in a perambulator to beat him with a rattle while he inquired its age +of an episcopal nurse, gay with flowing ribbons. He lifted his hat to +the bright parasols of his parishioners passing in glistening motors, +bowed to episcopalians, nodded amiably to presbyterians, and even +acknowledged with his lifted hat the passing of persons of graver forms +of error. + +Thus he took his way along the avenue and down a side street towards +the business district of the City, until just at the edge of it, where +the trees were about to stop and the shops were about to begin, he +found himself at the door of the Hymnal Supply Corporation, Limited. +The premises as seen from the outside combined the idea of an office +with an ecclesiastical appearance. The door was as that of a chancel or +vestry; there was a large plate-glass window filled with Bibles and +Testaments, all spread open and showing every variety of language in +their pages. These were marked, Arabic, Syriac, Coptic, Ojibway, Irish +and so forth. On the window in small white lettering were the words, +HYMNAL SUPPLY CORPORATION, and below that, HOSANNA PIPE AND STEAM ORGAN +INCORPORATED, and Still lower the legend BIBLE SOCIETY OF THE GOOD +SHEPHERD LIMITED. + +There was no doubt of the sacred character of the place. Here laboured +Mr. Furlong senior, the father of the Rev. Edward Fareforth. He was a +man of many activities; president and managing director of the +companies just mentioned, trustee and secretary of St. Asaph's, +honorary treasurer of the university, etc.; and each of his occupations +and offices was marked by something of a supramundane character, +something higher than ordinary business. His different official +positions naturally overlapped and brought him into contact with +himself from a variety of angles. Thus he sold himself hymn books at a +price per thousand, made as a business favour to himself, negotiated +with himself the purchase of the ten-thousand-dollar organ (making a +price on it to himself that he begged himself to regard as +confidential), and as treasurer of the college he sent himself an +informal note of enquiry asking if he knew of any sound investment for +the annual deficit of the college funds, a matter of some sixty +thousand dollars a year, which needed very careful handling. Any +man--and there are many such--who has been concerned with business +dealings of this sort with himself realizes that they are more +satisfactory than any other kind. + +To what better person, then, could the rector of St. Asaph's bring the +quarterly accounts and statements of his church than to Mr. Furlong +senior. + +The outer door was opened to the rector by a sanctified boy with such a +face as is only found in the choirs of the episcopal church. In an +outer office through which the rector passed were two sacred +stenographers with hair as golden as the daffodils of Sheba, copying +confidential letters on absolutely noiseless typewriters. They were +making offers of Bibles in half-car-load lots at two and a half per +cent reduction, offering to reduce St. Mark by two cents on condition +of immediate export, and to lay down St. John f.o.b. San Francisco for +seven cents, while regretting that they could deliver fifteen thousand +Rock of Ages in Missouri on no other terms than cash. + +The sacred character of their work lent them a preoccupation beautiful +to behold. + +In the room beyond them was a white-haired confidential clerk, +venerable as the Song of Solomon, and by him Mr. Fareforth Furlong was +duly shown into the office of his father. + +"Good morning, Edward," said Mr. Furlong senior, as he shook hands. "I +was expecting you. And while I think of it, I have just had a letter +from Philippa. She and Tom will be home in two or three weeks. She +writes from Egypt. She wishes me to tell you, as no doubt you have +already anticipated, that she thinks she can hardly continue to be a +member of the congregation when they come back. No doubt you felt this +yourself?" + +"Oh, entirely," said the rector. "Surely in matters of belief a wife +must follow her husband." + +"Exactly; especially as Tom's uncles occupy the position they do with +regard to--" Mr. Furlong jerked his head backwards and pointed with his +thumb over his shoulder in a way that his son knew was meant to +indicate St. Osoph's Church. + +The Overend brothers, who were Tom's uncles (his name being Tom +Overend) were, as everybody knew, among the principal supporters of St. +Osoph's. Not that they were, by origin, presbyterians. But they were +self-made men, which put them once and for all out of sympathy with +such a place as St. Asaph's. "We made ourselves," the two brothers used +to repeat in defiance of the catechism of the Anglican Church. They +never wearied of explaining how Mr. Dick, the senior brother, had +worked overtime by day to send Mr. George, the junior brother, to +school by night, and how Mr. George had then worked overtime by night +to send Mr. Dick to school by day. Thus they had come up the business +ladder hand over hand, landing later on in life on the platform of +success like two corpulent acrobats, panting with the strain of it. +"For years," Mr. George would explain, "we had father and mother to +keep as well; then they died, and Dick and me saw daylight." By which +he meant no harm at all, but only stated a fact, and concealed the +virtue of it. + +And being self-made men they made it a point to do what they could to +lessen the importance of such an institution as St. Asaph's Church. By +the same contrariety of nature the two Overend brothers (their business +name was Overend Brothers, Limited) were supporters of the dissentient +Young Men's Guild, and the second or rival University Settlement, and +of anything or everything that showed a likelihood of making trouble. +On this principle they were warm supporters and friends of the Rev. Dr. +McTeague. The minister had even gone so far as to present to the +brothers a copy of his philosophical work "McTeague's Exposition of the +Kantian Hypothesis." and the two brothers had read it through in the +office, devoting each of them a whole morning to it. Mr. Dick, the +senior brother, had said that he had never seen anything like it, and +Mr. George, the junior, had declared that a man who could write that +was capable of anything. + +On the whole it was evident that the relations between the Overend +family and the presbyterian religion were too intimate to allow Mrs. +Tom Overend, formerly Miss Philippa Furlong, to sit anywhere else of a +Sunday than under Dr. McTeague. + +"Philippa writes," continued Mr. Furlong "that under the circumstances +she and Tom would like to do something for your church. She would +like--yes, I have the letter here--to give you, as a surprise, of +course, either a new font or a carved pulpit; or perhaps a cheque; she +wishes me on no account to mention it to you directly, but to ascertain +indirectly from you, what would be the better surprise." + +"Oh, a cheque, I think," said the rector; "one can do so much more with +it, after all." + +"Precisely," said his father; he was well aware of many things that can +be done with a cheque that cannot possibly be done with a font. + +"That's settled then," resumed Mr. Furlong; "and now I suppose you want +me to run my eye over your quarterly statements, do you not, before we +send them in to the trustees? That is what you've come for, is it not?" + +"Yes," said the rector, drawing a bundle of blue and white papers from +his pocket. "I have everything with me. Our showing is, I believe, +excellent, though I fear I fail to present it as clearly as it might be +done." + +Mr. Furlong senior spread the papers on the table before him and +adjusted his spectacles to a more convenient angle. He smiled +indulgently as he looked at the documents before him. + +"I am afraid you would never make an accountant, Edward," he said. + +"I fear not," said the rector. + +"Your items," said his father, "are entered wrongly. Here, for example, +in the general statement, you put down Distribution of Coals to the +Poor to your credit. In the same way, Bibles and Prizes to the Sunday +School you again mark to your credit. Why? Don't you see, my boy, that +these things are debits? When you give out Bibles or distribute fuel to +the poor you give out something for which you get no return. It is a +debit. On the other hand, such items as Church Offertory, Scholars' +Pennies, etc., are pure profit. Surely the principle is clear." + +"I think I see it better now," said the Rev. Edward. + +"Perfectly plain, isn't it?" his father went on. "And here again. +Paupers' Burial Fund, a loss; enter it as such. Christmas Gift to +Verger and Sexton, an absolute loss--you get nothing in return. Widows' +Mite, Fines inflicted in Sunday School, etc., these are profit; write +them down as such. By this method, you see, in ordinary business we can +tell exactly where we stand: anything which we give out without return +or reward we count as a debit; all that we take from others without +giving in return we count as so much to our credit." + +"Ah, yes," murmured the rector. "I begin to understand." + +"Very good. But after all, Edward, I mustn't quarrel with the mere form +of your accounts; the statement is really a splendid showing. I see +that not only is our mortgage and debenture interest all paid to date, +but that a number of our enterprises are making a handsome return. I +notice, for example, that the Girls' Friendly Society of the church not +only pays for itself, but that you are able to take something out of +its funds and transfer it to the Men's Book Club. Excellent! And I +observe that you have been able to take a large portion of the Soup +Kitchen Fund and put it into the Rector's Picnic Account. Very good +indeed. In this respect your figures are a model for church accounts +anywhere." + +Mr. Furlong continued his scrutiny of the accounts. "Excellent," he +murmured, "and on the whole an annual surplus, I see, of several +thousands. But stop a bit," he continued, checking himself; "what's +this? Are you aware, Edward, that you are losing money on your Foreign +Missions Account?" + +"I feared as much," said Edward. + +"It's incontestable. Look at the figures for yourself: missionary's +salary so much, clothes and books to converts so much, voluntary and +other offerings of converts so much why, you're losing on it, Edward!" +exclaimed Mr. Furlong, and he shook his head dubiously at the accounts +before him. + +"I thought," protested his son, "that in view of the character of the +work itself--" + +"Quite so," answered his father, "quite so. I fully admit the force of +that. I am only asking you, is it worth it? Mind you, I am not speaking +now as a Christian, but as a businessman. Is it worth it?" + +"I thought that perhaps, in view of the fact of our large surplus in +other directions--" + +"Exactly," said his father, "a heavy surplus. It is precisely on that +point that I wished to speak to you this morning. You have at present a +large annual surplus, and there is every prospect under Providence--in +fact, I think in any case--of it continuing for years to come. If I may +speak very frankly I should say that as long as our reverend friend, +Dr. McTeague, continues in his charge of St. Osoph's--and I trust that +he may be spared for many years to come--you are likely to enjoy the +present prosperity of your church. Very good. The question arises, what +disposition are we to make of our accumulating funds?" + +"Yes," said the rector, hesitating. + +"I am speaking to you now," said his father "not as the secretary of +your church, but as president of the Hymnal Supply Company which I +represent here. Now please understand, Edward, I don't want in any way +to force or control your judgment. I merely wish to show you +certain--shall I say certain opportunities that present themselves for +the disposal of our funds? The matter can be taken up later, formally, +by yourself and the trustees of the church. As a matter of fact, I have +already written to myself as secretary in the matter, and I have +received what I consider a quite encouraging answer. Let me explain +what I propose." + +Mr. Furlong senior rose, and opening the door of the office, + +"Everett," he said to the ancient clerk, "kindly give me a Bible." + +It was given to him. + +Mr. Furlong stood with the Bible poised in his hand. + +"Now we," he went on, "I mean the Hymnal Supply Corporation, have an +idea for bringing out an entirely new Bible." + +A look of dismay appeared on the saintly face of the rector. + +"A new Bible!" he gasped. + +"Precisely!" said his father, "a new Bible! This one--and we find it +every day in our business--is all wrong." + +"All wrong!" said the rector with horror in his face. + +"My dear boy," exclaimed his father, "pray, pray, do not misunderstand +me. Don't imagine for a moment that I mean wrong in a religious sense. +Such a thought could never, I hope, enter my mind. All that I mean is +that this Bible is badly made up." + +"Badly made up?" repeated his son, as mystified as ever. + +"I see that you do not understand me. What I mean is this. Let me try +to make myself quite clear. For the market of today this Bible"--and he +poised it again on his hand, as if to test its weight, "is too heavy. +The people of today want something lighter, something easier to get +hold of. Now if--" + +But what Mr. Furlong was about to say was lost forever to the world. + +For just at this juncture something occurred calculated to divert not +only Mr. Furlong's sentence, but the fortunes and the surplus of St. +Asaph's itself. At the very moment when Mr. Furlong was speaking a +newspaper delivery man in the street outside handed to the sanctified +boy the office copy of the noonday paper. And the boy had no sooner +looked at its headlines than he said, "How dreadful!" Being sanctified, +he had no stronger form of speech than that. But he handed the paper +forthwith to one of the stenographers with hair like the daffodils of +Sheba, and when she looked at it she exclaimed, "How awful!" And she +knocked at once at the door of the ancient clerk and gave the paper to +him; and when he looked at it and saw the headline the ancient clerk +murmured, "Ah!" in the gentle tone in which very old people greet the +news of catastrophe or sudden death. + +But in his turn he opened Mr. Furlong's door and put down the paper, +laying his finger on the column for a moment without a word. + +Mr. Furlong stopped short in his sentence. "Dear me!" he said as his +eyes caught the item of news. "How very dreadful!" + +"What is it?" said the rector. + +"Dr. McTeague," answered his father. "He has been stricken with +paralysis!" + +"How shocking!" said the rector, aghast. "But when? I saw him only this +morning." + +"It has just happened," said his father, following down the column of +the newspaper as he spoke, "this morning, at the university, in his +classroom, at a lecture. Dear me, how dreadful! I must go and see the +president at once." + +Mr. Furlong was about to reach for his hat and stick when at that +moment the aged clerk knocked at the door. + +"Dr. Boomer," he announced in a tone of solemnity suited to the +occasion. + +Dr. Boomer entered, shook hands in silence and sat down. + +"You have heard our sad news, I suppose?" he said. He used the word +"our" as between the university president and his honorary treasurer. + +"How did it happen?" asked Mr. Furlong. + +"Most distressing," said the president. "Dr. McTeague, it seems, had +just entered his ten o'clock class (the hour was about ten-twenty) and +was about to open his lecture, when one of his students rose in his +seat and asked a question. It is a practice," continued Dr. Boomer, +"which, I need hardly say, we do not encourage; the young man, I +believe, was a newcomer in the philosophy class. At any rate, he asked +Dr. McTeague, quite suddenly it appears; how he could reconcile his +theory of transcendental immaterialism with a scheme of rigid moral +determinism. Dr. McTeague stared for a moment, his mouth, so the class +assert, painfully open. The student repeated the question, and poor +McTeague fell forward over his desk, paralysed." + +"Is he dead?" gasped Mr. Furlong. + +"No," said the president. "But we expect his death at any moment. Dr. +Slyder, I may say, is with him now and is doing all he can." + +"In any case, I suppose, he could hardly recover enough to continue his +college duties," said the young rector. + +"Out of the question," said the president. "I should not like to state +that of itself mere paralysis need incapacitate a professor. Dr. Thrum, +our professor of the theory of music, is, as you know, paralysed in his +ears, and Mr. Slant, our professor of optics, is paralysed in his right +eye. But this is a case of paralysis of the brain. I fear it is +incompatible with professorial work." + +"Then, I suppose," said Mr. Furlong senior, "we shall have to think of +the question of a successor." + +They had both _been_ thinking of it for at least three minutes. "We +must," said the president. "For the moment I feel too stunned by the +sad news to act. I have merely telegraphed to two or three leading +colleges for a _locum tenens_ and sent out a few advertisements +announcing the chair as vacant. But it will be difficult to replace +McTeague. He was a man," added Dr. Boomer, rehearsing in advance, +unconsciously, no doubt, his forthcoming oration over Dr. McTeague's +death, "of a singular grasp, a breadth of culture, and he was able, as +few men are, to instil what I might call a spirit of religion into his +teaching. His lectures, indeed, were suffused with moral instruction, +and exercised over his students an influence second only to that of the +pulpit itself." + +He paused. + +"Ah yes, the pulpit," said Mr. Furlong, "there indeed you will miss +him." + +"That," said Dr. Boomer very reverently, "is our real loss, deep, +irreparable. I suppose, indeed I am certain, we shall never again see +such a man in the pulpit of St. Osoph's. Which reminds me," he added +more briskly, "I must ask the newspaper people to let it be known that +there will be service as usual the day after tomorrow, and that Dr. +McTeague's death will, of course, make no difference--that is to say--I +must see the newspaper people at once." + + * * * * * + +That afternoon all the newspaper editors in the City were busy getting +their obituary notices ready for the demise of Dr. McTeague. + +"The death of Dr. McTeague," wrote the editor of the _Commercial and +Financial Undertone_, a paper which had almost openly advocated the +minister's dismissal for five years back, "comes upon us as an +irreparable loss. His place will be difficult, nay, impossible, to +fill. Whether as a philosopher or a divine he cannot be replaced." + +"We have no hesitation in saying," so wrote the editor of the +_Plutorian Times_, a three-cent morning paper, which was able to take a +broad or three-cent point of view of men and things, "that the loss of +Dr. McTeague will be just as much felt in Europe as in America. To +Germany the news that the hand that penned 'McTeague's Shorter +Exposition of the Kantian Hypothesis' has ceased to write will come +with the shock of poignant anguish; while to France--" + +The editor left the article unfinished at that point. After all, he was +a ready writer, and he reflected that there would be time enough before +actually going to press to consider from what particular angle the blow +of McTeague's death would strike down the people of France. + +So ran in speech and in writing, during two or three days, the requiem +of Dr. McTeague. + +Altogether there were more kind things said of him in the three days +during which he was taken for dead, than in thirty years of his +life--which seemed a pity. + +And after it all, at the close of the third day, Dr. McTeague feebly +opened his eyes. + +But when he opened them the world had already passed on, and left him +behind. + + + +CHAPTER SEVEN: The Ministrations of the Rev. Uttermust Dumfarthing + +"Well, then, gentlemen, I think we have all agreed upon our man?" + +Mr. Dick Overend looked around the table as he spoke at the managing +trustees of St. Osoph's church. They were assembled in an upper +committee room of the Mausoleum Club. Their official place of meeting +was in a board room off the vestry of the church. But they had felt a +draught in it, some four years ago, which had wafted them over to the +club as their place of assembly. In the club there were no draughts. + +Mr. Dick Overend sat at the head of the table, his brother George +beside him, and Dr. Boomer at the foot. Beside them were Mr. Boulder, +Mr. Skinyer (of Skinyer and Beatem) and the rest of the trustees. + +"You are agreed, then, on the Reverend Uttermust Dumfarthing?" + +"Quite agreed," murmured several trustees together. + +"A most remarkable man," said Dr. Boomer. "I heard him preach in his +present church. He gave utterance to thoughts that I have myself been +thinking for years. I never listened to anything so sound or so +scholarly." + +"I heard him the night he preached in New York," said Mr. Boulder. "He +preached a sermon to the poor. He told them they were no good. I never +heard, outside of a Scotch pulpit, such splendid invective." + +"Is he Scotch?" said one of the trustees. + +"Of Scotch parentage," said the university president. "I believe he is +one of the Dumfarthings of Dunfermline, Dumfries." + +Everybody said "Oh," and there was a pause. + +"Is he married?" asked one of the trustees. "I understand," answered +Dr. Boomer, "that he is a widower with one child, a little girl." + +"Does he make any conditions?" + +"None whatever," said the chairman, consulting a letter before him, +"except that he is to have absolute control, and in regard to salary. +These two points settled, he says, he places himself entirely in our +hands." + +"And the salary?" asked someone. + +"Ten thousand dollars," said the chairman, "payable quarterly in +advance." + +A chorus of approval went round the table. "Good," "Excellent," "A +first-class man," muttered the trustees, "just what we want." + +"I am sure, gentlemen," said Mr. Dick Overend, voicing the sentiments +of everybody, "we do _not_ want a cheap man. Several of the candidates +whose names have been under consideration here have been in many +respects--in point of religious qualification, let us say--most +desirable men. The name of Dr. McSkwirt, for example, has been +mentioned with great favour by several of the trustees. But he's a +cheap man. I feel we don't want him." + +"What is Mr. Dumfarthing getting where he is?" asked Mr. Boulder. + +"Nine thousand nine hundred," said the chairman. + +"And Dr. McSkwirt?" + +"Fourteen hundred dollars." + +"Well, that settles it!" exclaimed everybody with a burst of +enlightenment. + +And so it was settled. + +In fact, nothing could have been plainer. + +"I suppose," said Mr. George Overend as they were about to rise, "that +we are quite justified in taking it for granted that Dr. McTeague will +never be able to resume work?" + +"Oh, absolutely for granted," said Dr. Boomer. "Poor McTeague! I hear +from Slyder that he was making desperate efforts this morning to sit up +in bed. His nurse with difficulty prevented him." + +"Is his power of speech gone?" asked Mr. Boulder. + +"Practically so; in any case, Dr. Slyder insists on his not using it. +In fact, poor McTeague's mind is a wreck. His nurse was telling me that +this morning he was reaching out his hand for the newspaper, and seemed +to want to read one of the editorials. It was quite pathetic," +concluded Dr. Boomer, shaking his head. + +So the whole matter was settled, and next day all the town knew that +St. Osoph's Church had extended a call to the Rev. Uttermust +Dumfarthing, and that he had accepted it. + + * * * * * + +Within a few weeks of this date the Reverend Uttermust Dumfarthing +moved into the manse of St. Osoph's and assumed his charge. And +forthwith he became the sole topic of conversation on Plutoria Avenue. +"Have you seen the new minister of St. Osoph's?" everybody asked. "Have +you been to hear Dr. Dumfarthing?" "Were you at St. Osoph's Church on +Sunday morning? Ah, you really should go! most striking sermon I ever +listened to." + +The effect of him was absolute and instantaneous; there was no doubt of +it. + +"My dear," said Mrs. Buncomhearst to one of her friends, in describing +how she had met him, "I never saw a more striking man. Such power in +his face! Mr. Boulder introduced him to me on the avenue, and he hardly +seemed to see me at all, simply scowled! I was never so favourably +impressed with any man." + +On his very first Sunday he preached to his congregation on eternal +punishment, leaning forward in his black gown and shaking his fist at +them. Dr. McTeague had never shaken his fist in thirty years, and as +for the Rev. Fareforth Furlong, he was incapable of it. + +But the Rev. Uttermust Dumfarthing told his congregation that he was +convinced that at least seventy per cent of them were destined for +eternal punishment; and he didn't call it by that name, but labelled it +simply and forcibly "hell." The word had not been heard in any church +in the better part of the City for a generation. The congregation was +so swelled next Sunday that the minister raised the percentage to +eighty-five, and everybody went away delighted. Young and old flocked +to St. Osoph's. Before a month had passed the congregation at the +evening service at St. Asaph's Church was so slender that the +offertory, as Mr. Furlong senior himself calculated, was scarcely +sufficient to pay the overhead charge of collecting it. + +The presence of so many young men sitting in serried files close to the +front was the only feature of his congregation that extorted from the +Rev. Mr. Dumfarthing something like approval. + +"It is a joy to me to see," he remarked to several of his trustees, +"that there are in the City so many godly young men, whatever the +elders may be." + +But there may have been a secondary cause at work, for among the godly +young men of Plutoria Avenue the topic of conversation had not been, +"Have you heard the new presbyterian minister?" but, "Have you seen his +daughter? You haven't? Well, say!" + +For it turned out that the "child" of Dr. Uttermust Dumfarthing, +so-called by the trustees, was the kind of child that wears a little +round hat, straight from Paris, with an upright feather in it, and a +silk dress in four sections, and shoes with high heels that would have +broken the heart of John Calvin. Moreover, she had the distinction of +being the only person on Plutoria Avenue who was not one whit afraid of +the Reverend Uttermust Dumfarthing. She even amused herself, in +violation of all rules, by attending evening service at St. Asaph's, +where she sat listening to the Reverend Edward, and feeling that she +had never heard anything so sensible in her life. + +"I'm simply dying to meet your brother," she said to Mrs. Tom Overend, +otherwise Philippa; "he's such a complete contrast with father." She +knew no higher form of praise: "Father's sermons are always so +frightfully full of religion." + +And Philippa promised that meet him she should. + +But whatever may have been the effect of the presence of Catherine +Dumfarthing, there is no doubt the greater part of the changed +situation was due to Dr. Dumfarthing himself. + +Everything he did was calculated to please. He preached sermons to the +rich and told them they were mere cobwebs, and they liked it; he +preached a special sermon to the poor and warned them to be mighty +careful; he gave a series of weekly talks to workingmen, and knocked +them sideways; and in the Sunday School he gave the children so fierce +a talk on charity and the need of giving freely and quickly, that such +a stream of pennies and nickels poured into Catherine Dumfarthing's +Sunday School Fund as hadn't been seen in the church in fifty years. + +Nor was Mr. Dumfarthing different in his private walk of life. He was +heard to speak openly of the Overend brothers as "men of wrath," and +they were so pleased that they repeated it to half the town. It was the +best business advertisement they had had for years. + +Dr. Boomer was captivated with the man. "True scholarship," he +murmured, as Dr. Dumfarthing poured undiluted Greek and Hebrew from the +pulpit, scorning to translate a word of it. Under Dr. Boomer's charge +the minister was taken over the length and breadth of Plutoria +University, and reviled it from the foundations up. + +"Our library," said the president, "two hundred thousand volumes!" + +"Aye," said the minister, "a powerful heap of rubbish, I'll be bound!" + +"The photograph of our last year's graduating class," said the +president. + +"A poor lot, to judge by the faces of them," said the minister. + +"This, Dr. Dumfarthing, is our new radiographic laboratory; Mr. Spiff, +our demonstrator, is preparing slides which, I believe, actually show +the movements of the atom itself, do they not, Mr. Spiff?" + +"Ah," said the minister, piercing Mr. Spiff from beneath his dark +brows, "it will not avail you, young man." + +Dr. Boomer was delighted. "Poor McTeague," he said--"and by the way, +Boyster, I hear that McTeague is trying to walk again; a great error, +it shouldn't be allowed!--poor McTeague knew nothing of science." + +The students themselves shared in the enthusiasm, especially after Dr. +Dumfarthing had given them a Sunday afternoon talk in which he showed +that their studies were absolutely futile. As soon as they knew this +they went to work with a vigour that put new life into the college. + + * * * * * + +Meantime the handsome face of the Reverend Edward Fareforth Furlong +began to wear a sad and weary look that had never been seen on it +before. He watched the congregation drifting from St. Asaph's to St. +Osoph's and was powerless to prevent it. His sadness reached its climax +one bright afternoon in the late summer, when he noticed that even his +episcopal blackbirds were leaving his elms and moving westward to the +spruce trees of the manse. + +He stood looking at them with melancholy on his face. "Why, Edward," +cried his sister, Philippa, as her motor stopped beside him, "how +doleful you look! Get into the car and come out into the country for a +ride. Let the parish teas look after themselves for today." + +Tom, Philippa's husband, was driving his own car--he was rich enough to +be able to--and seated with Philippa in the car was an unknown person, +as prettily dressed as Philippa herself. To the rector she was +presently introduced as Miss Catherine Something--he didn't hear the +rest of it. Nor did he need to. It was quite plain that her surname, +whatever it was, was a very temporary and transitory affair. + +So they sped rapidly out of the City and away out into the country, +mile after mile, through cool, crisp air, and among woods with the +touch of autumn bright already upon them, and with blue sky and great +still clouds white overhead. And the afternoon was so beautiful and so +bright that as they went along there was no talk about religion at all! +nor was there any mention of Mothers' Auxiliaries, or Girls' Friendly +Societies, nor any discussion of the poor. It was too glorious a day. +But they spoke instead of the new dances, and whether they had come to +stay, and of such sensible topics as that. Then presently, as they went +on still further, Philippa leaned forwards and talked to Tom over his +shoulder and reminded him that this was the very road to Castel +Casteggio, and asked him if he remembered coming up it with her to join +the Newberry's ever so long ago. Whatever it was that Tom answered it +is not recorded, but it is certain that it took so long in the saying +that the Reverend Edward talked in tete-a-tete with Catherine for +fifteen measured miles, and was unaware that it was more than five +minutes. Among other things he said, and she agreed--or she said and he +agreed--that for the new dances it was necessary to have always one and +the same partner, and to keep that partner all the time. And somehow +simple sentiments of that sort, when said direct into a pair of +listening blue eyes behind a purple motor veil, acquire an infinite +significance. + +Then, not much after that, say three or four minutes, they were all of +a sudden back in town again, running along Plutoria Avenue, and to the +rector's surprise the motor was stopping outside the manse, and +Catherine was saying, "Oh, thank you ever so much, Philippa; it was +just heavenly!" which showed that the afternoon had had its religious +features after all. "What!" said the rector's sister, as they moved off +again, "didn't you know? That's Catherine Dumfarthing!" + + * * * * * + +When the Rev. Fareforth Furlong arrived home at the rectory he spent an +hour or so in the deepest of deep thought in an armchair in his study. +Nor was it any ordinary parish problem that he was revolving in his +mind. He was trying to think out some means by which his sister Juliana +might be induced to commit the sin of calling on the daughter of a +presbyterian minister. + +The thing had to be represented as in some fashion or other an act of +self-denial, a form of mortification of the flesh. Otherwise he knew +Juliana would never do it. But to call on Miss Catherine Dumfarthing +seemed to him such an altogether delightful and unspeakably blissful +process that he hardly knew how to approach the topic. So when Juliana +presently came home the rector could find no better way of introducing +the subject than by putting it on the ground of Philippa's marriage to +Miss Dumfarthing's father's trustee's nephew. + +"Juliana," he said, "don't you think that perhaps, on account of +Philippa and Tom, you ought--or at least it might be best for you to +call on Miss Dumfarthing?" + +Juliana turned to her brother as he laid aside her bonnet and her black +gloves. + +"I've just been there this afternoon," she said. + +There was something as near to a blush on her face as her brother had +ever seen. + +"But she was not there!" he said. + +"No," answered Juliana, "but Mr. Dumfarthing was. I stayed and talked +some time with him, waiting for her." + +The rector gave a sort of whistle, or rather that blowing out of air +which is the episcopal symbol for it. + +"Didn't you find him pretty solemn?" he said. + +"Solemn!" answered his sister. "Surely, Edward, a man in such a calling +as his ought to be solemn." + +"I don't mean that exactly," said the rector; "I mean--er--hard, +bitter, so to speak." + +"Edward!" exclaimed Juliana, "how can you speak so. Mr. Dumfarthing +hard! Mr. Dumfarthing bitter! Why, Edward, the man is gentleness and +kindness itself. I don't think I ever met anyone so full of sympathy, +of compassion with suffering." + +Juliana's face had flushed It was quite plain that she saw things in +the Reverend Uttermust Dumfarthing--as some one woman does in every +man--that no one else could see. + +The Reverend Edward was abashed. "I wasn't thinking of his character," +he said. "I was thinking rather of his doctrines. Wait till you have +heard him preach." + +Juliana flushed more deeply still. "I heard him last Sunday evening," +she said. + +The rector was silent, and his sister, as if impelled to speak, went on, + +"And I don't see, Edward, how anyone could think him a hard or bigoted +man in his creed. He walked home with me to the gate just now, and he +was speaking of all the sin in the world, and of how few, how very few +people, can be saved, and how many will have to be burned as worthless; +and he spoke so beautifully. He regrets it, Edward, regrets it deeply. +It is a real grief to him." + +On which Juliana, half in anger, withdrew, and her brother the rector +sat back in his chair with smiles rippling all over his saintly face. +For he had been wondering whether it would be possible, even remotely +possible, to get his sister to invite the Dumfarthings to high tea at +the rectory some day at six o'clock (evening dinner was out of the +question), and now he knew within himself that the thing was as good as +done. + + * * * * * + +While such things as these were happening and about to happen, there +were many others of the congregation of St. Asaph's beside the rector +to whom the growing situation gave cause for serious perplexities. +Indeed, all who were interested in the church, the trustees and the +mortgagees and the underlying debenture-holders, were feeling anxious. +For some of them underlay the Sunday School, whose scholars' offerings +had declined forty per cent, and others underlay the new organ, not yet +paid for, while others were lying deeper still beneath the ground site +of the church with seven dollars and a half a square foot resting on +them. + +"I don't like it," said Mr. Lucullus Fyshe to Mr. Newberry (they were +both prominent members of the congregation). "I don't like the look of +things. I took up a block of Furlong's bonds on his Guild building from +what seemed at the time the best of motives. The interest appeared +absolutely certain. Now it's a month overdue on the last quarter. I +feel alarmed." + +"Neither do I like it," said Mr. Newberry, shaking his head; "and I'm +sorry for Fareforth Furlong. An excellent fellow, Fyshe, excellent. I +keep wondering Sunday after Sunday, if there isn't something I can do +to help him out. One might do something further, perhaps, in the way of +new buildings or alterations. I have, in fact, offered--by myself, I +mean, and without other aid--to dynamite out the front of his church, +underpin it, and put him in a Norman gateway; either that, or blast out +the back of it where the choir sit, just as he likes. I was thinking +about it last Sunday as they were singing the anthem, and realizing +what a lot one might do there with a few sticks of dynamite." + +"I doubt it," said Mr. Fyshe. "In fact, Newberry, to speak very +frankly, I begin to ask myself, Is Furlong the man for the post?" + +"Oh, surely," said Mr. Newberry in protest. + +"Personally a charming fellow," went on Mr. Fyshe; "but is he, all said +and done, quite the man to conduct a church? In the _first_ place, he +is _not_ a businessman." + +"No," said Mr. Newberry reluctantly, "that I admit." + +"Very good. And, _secondly_, even in the matter of his religion itself, +one always feels as if he were too little fixed, too unstable. He +simply moves with the times. That, at least, is what people are +beginning to say of him, that he is perpetually moving with the times. +It doesn't do, Newberry, it doesn't do." Whereupon Mr. Newberry went +away troubled and wrote to Fareforth Furlong a confidential letter with +a signed cheque in it for the amount of Mr. Fyshe's interest, and with +such further offerings of dynamite, of underpinning and blasting as his +conscience prompted. + +When the rector received and read the note and saw the figures of the +cheque, there arose such a thankfulness in his spirit as he hadn't felt +for months, and he may well have murmured, for the repose of Mr. +Newberry's soul, a prayer not found in the rubric of King James. + +All the more cause had he to feel light at heart, for as it chanced, it +was on that same evening that the Dumfarthings, father and daughter, +were to take tea at the rectory. Indeed, a few minutes before six +o'clock they might have been seen making their way from the manse to +the rectory. + +On their way along the avenue the minister took occasion to reprove his +daughter for the worldliness of her hat (it was a little trifle from +New York that she had bought out of the Sunday School money--a +temporary loan); and a little further on he spoke to her severely about +the parasol she carried; and further yet about the strange fashion, +specially condemned by the Old Testament, in which she wore her hair. +So Catherine knew in her heart from this that she must be looking her +very prettiest, and went into the rectory radiant. + +The tea was, of course, an awkward meal at the best. There was an +initial difficulty about grace, not easily surmounted. And when the +Rev. Mr. Dumfarthing sternly refused tea as a pernicious drink +weakening to the system, the Anglican rector was too ignorant of the +presbyterian system to know enough to give him Scotch whiskey. + +But there were bright spots in the meal as well. The rector was even +able to ask Catherine, sideways as a personal question, if she played +tennis; and she was able to whisper behind her hand, "Not allowed," and +to make a face in the direction of her father, who was absorbed for the +moment in a theological question with Juliana. Indeed, before the +conversation became general again the rector had contrived to make a +rapid arrangement with Catherine whereby she was to come with him to +the Newberry's tennis court the day following and learn the game, with +or without permission. + +So the tea was perhaps a success in its way. And it is noteworthy that +Juliana spent the days that followed it in reading Calvin's +"Institutes" (specially loaned to her) and "Dumfarthing on the +Certainty of Damnation" (a gift), and in praying for her brother--a +task practically without hope. During which same time the rector in +white flannels, and Catherine in a white duck skirt and blouse, were +flying about on the green grass of the Newberrys' court, and calling, +"love," "love all," to one another so gaily and so brazenly that even +Mr. Newberry felt that there must be something in it. + +But all these things came merely as interludes in the moving currents +of greater events; for as the summer faded into autumn and autumn into +winter the anxieties of the trustees of St. Asaph's began to call for +action of some sort. + + * * * * * + +"Edward," said the rector's father on the occasion of their next +quarterly discussion, "I cannot conceal from you that the position of +things is very serious. Your statements show a falling off in every +direction. Your interest is everywhere in arrears; your current account +overdrawn to the limit. At this rate, you know, the end is inevitable. +Your debenture and bondholders will decide to foreclose; and if they +do, you know, there is no power that can stop them. Even with your +limited knowledge of business you are probably aware that there is no +higher power that can influence or control the holder of a first +mortgage." + +"I fear so," said the Rev. Edward very sadly. + +"Do you not think perhaps that some of the shortcoming lies with +yourself?" continued Mr. Furlong. "Is it not possible that as a +preacher you fail somewhat, do not, as it were, deal sufficiently with +fundamental things as others do? You leave untouched the truly vital +issues, such things as the creation, death, and, if I may refer to it, +the life beyond the grave." + +As a result of which the Reverend Edward preached a series of special +sermons on the creation for which he made a special and arduous +preparation in the library of Plutoria University. He said that it had +taken a million, possibly a hundred million years of quite difficult +work to accomplish, and that though when we looked at it all was +darkness still we could not be far astray if we accepted and held fast +to the teachings of Sir Charles Lyell. The book of Genesis, he said was +not to be taken as meaning a day when it said a day, but rather +something other than a mere day; and the word "light" meant not exactly +light but possibly some sort of phosphorescence, and that the use of +the word "darkness" was to be understood not as meaning darkness, but +to be taken as simply indicating obscurity. And when he had quite +finished, the congregation declared the whole sermon to be mere milk +and water. It insulted their intelligence, they said. After which, a +week later, the Rev. Dr. Dumfarthing took up the same subject, and with +the aid of seven plain texts pulverized the rector into fragments. + +One notable result of the controversy was that Juliana Furlong refused +henceforth to attend her brother's church and sat, even at morning +service, under the minister of St. Osoph's. + +"The sermon was, I fear, a mistake," said Mr. Furlong senior; "perhaps +you had better not dwell too much on such topics. We must look for aid +in another direction. In fact, Edward, I may mention to you in +confidence that certain of your trustees are already devising ways and +means that may help us out of our dilemma." + +Indeed, although the Reverend Edward did not know it, a certain idea, +or plan, was already germinating in the minds of the most influential +supporters of St. Asaph's. + +Such was the situation of the rival churches of St. Asaph and St. Osoph +as the autumn slowly faded into winter: during which time the elm trees +on Plutoria Avenue shivered and dropped their leaves and the chauffeurs +of the motors first turned blue in their faces and then, when the great +snows came, were suddenly converted into liveried coachmen with tall +bearskins and whiskers like Russian horseguards, changing back again to +blue-nosed chauffeurs the very moment of a thaw. During this time also +the congregation of the Reverend Fareforth Furlong was diminishing +month by month, and that of the Reverend Uttermust Dumfarthing was so +numerous that they filled up the aisles at the back of the church. Here +the worshippers stood and froze, for the minister had abandoned the use +of steam heat in St. Osoph's on the ground that he could find no +warrant for it. + +During the same period other momentous things were happening, such as +that Juliana Furlong was reading, under the immediate guidance of Dr. +Dumfarthing, the History of the Progress of Disruption in the Churches +of Scotland in ten volumes; such also as that Catherine Dumfarthing was +wearing a green and gold winter suit with Russian furs and a Balkan hat +and a Circassian feather, which cut a wide swath of destruction among +the young men on Plutoria Avenue every afternoon as she passed. +Moreover by the strangest of coincidences she scarcely ever seemed to +come along the snow-covered avenue without meeting the Reverend +Edward--a fact which elicited new exclamations of surprise from them +both every day: and by an equally strange coincidence they generally +seemed, although coming in different directions, to be bound for the +same place; towards which they wandered together with such slow steps +and in such oblivion of the passers-by that even the children on the +avenue knew by instinct whither they were wandering. + +It was noted also that the broken figure of Dr. McTeague had reappeared +upon the street, leaning heavily upon a stick and greeting those he met +with such a meek and willing affability, as if in apology for his +stroke of paralysis, that all who talked with him agreed that +McTeague's mind was a wreck. + +"He stood and spoke to me about the children for at least a quarter of +an hour," related one of his former parishioners, "asking after them by +name, and whether they were going to school yet and a lot of questions +like that. He never used to speak of such things. Poor old McTeague, +I'm afraid he is getting soft in the head." "I know," said the person +addressed. "His mind is no good. He stopped me the other day to say how +sorry he was to hear about my brother's illness. I could see from the +way he spoke that his brain is getting feeble. He's losing his grip. He +was speaking of how kind people had been to him after his accident and +there were tears in his eyes. I think he's getting batty." + +Nor were even these things the most momentous happenings of the period. +For as winter slowly changed to early spring it became known that +something of great portent was under way. It was rumoured that the +trustees of St. Asaph's Church were putting their heads together. This +was striking news. The last time that the head of Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, +for example, had been placed side by side with that of Mr. Newberry, +there had resulted a merger of four soda-water companies, bringing what +was called industrial peace over an area as big as Texas and raising +the price of soda by three peaceful cents per bottle. And the last time +that Mr. Furlong senior's head had been laid side by side with those of +Mr. Rasselyer-Brown and Mr. Skinyer, they had practically saved the +country from the horrors of a coal famine by the simple process of +raising the price of nut coal seventy-five cents a ton and thus +guaranteeing its abundance. + +Naturally, therefore, when it became known that such redoubtable heads +as those of the trustees and the underlying mortgagees of St. Asaph's +were being put together, it was fully expected that some important +development would follow. It was not accurately known from which of the +assembled heads first proceeded the great idea which was presently to +solve the difficulties of the church. It may well have come from that +of Mr. Lucullus Fyshe. Certainly a head which had brought peace out of +civil war in the hardware business by amalgamating ten rival stores and +had saved the very lives of five hundred employees by reducing their +wages fourteen per cent, was capable of it. + +At any rate it was Mr. Fyshe who first gave the idea a definite +utterance. + +"It's the only thing, Furlong," he said, across the lunch table at the +Mausoleum Club. "It's the one solution. The two churches can't live +under the present conditions of competition. We have here practically +the same situation as we had with two rum distilleries--the output is +too large for the demand. One or both of the two concerns must go +under. It's their turn just now, but these fellows are business men +enough to know that it may be ours tomorrow. We'll offer them a +business solution. We'll propose a merger." + +"I've been thinking of it," said Mr. Furlong senior, "I suppose it's +feasible?" + +"Feasible!" exclaimed Mr. Fyshe. "Why look what's being done every day +everywhere, from the Standard Oil Company downwards." + +"You would hardly, I think," said Mr. Furlong, with a quiet smile, +"compare the Standard Oil Company to a church?" "Well, no, I suppose +not," said Mr. Fyshe, and he too smiled--in fact he almost laughed. The +notion was too ridiculous. One could hardly compare a mere church to a +thing of the magnitude and importance of the Standard Oil Company. + +"But on a lesser scale," continued Mr. Fyshe, "it's the same sort of +thing. As for the difficulties of it, I needn't remind you of the much +greater difficulties we had to grapple with in the rum merger. There, +you remember, a number of the women held out as a matter of principle. +It was not mere business with them. Church union is different. In fact +it is one of the ideas of the day and everyone admits that what is +needed is the application of the ordinary business principles of +harmonious combination, with a proper--er--restriction of output and +general economy of operation." + +"Very good," said Mr. Furlong, "I'm sure if you're willing to try, the +rest of us are." + +"All right," said Mr. Fyshe. "I thought of setting Skinyer, of Skinyer +and Beatem, to work on the form of the organization. As you know he is +not only a deeply religious man but he has already handled the Tin Pot +Combination and the United Hardware and the Associated Tanneries. He +ought to find this quite simple." + + * * * * * + +Within a day or two Mr. Skinyer had already commenced his labours. "I +must first," he said, "get an accurate idea of the existing legal +organization of the two churches." + +For which purpose he approached the rector of St. Asaph's. "I just want +to ask you, Mr. Furlong," said the lawyer, "a question or two as to the +exact constitution, the form so to speak, of your church. What is it? +Is it a single corporate body?" + +"I suppose," said the rector thoughtfully, "one would define it as an +indivisible spiritual unit manifesting itself on earth." "Quite so," +interrupted Mr. Skinyer, "but I don't mean what it is in the religious +sense: I mean, in the real sense." "I fail to understand," said Mr. +Furlong. + +"Let me put it very clearly," said the lawyer. "Where does it get its +authority?" + +"From above." said the rector reverently. + +"Precisely," said Mr. Skinyer, "no doubt, but I mean its authority in +the exact sense of the term." + +"It was enjoined on St. Peter," began the rector, but Mr. Skinyer +interrupted him. + +"That I am aware of," he said, "but what I mean is--where does your +church get its power, for example, to hold property, to collect debts, +to use distraint against the property of others, to foreclose its +mortgages and to cause judgement to be executed against those who fail +to pay their debts to it? You will say at once that it has these powers +direct from Heaven. No doubt that is true and no religious person would +deny it. But we lawyers are compelled to take a narrower, a less +elevating point of view. Are these powers conferred on you by the state +legislature or by some higher authority?" + +"Oh, by a higher authority, I hope," said the rector very fervently. +Whereupon Mr. Skinyer left him without further questioning, the +rector's brain being evidently unfit for the subject of corporation law. + +On the other hand he got satisfaction from the Rev. Dr. Dumfarthing at +once. + +"The church of St. Osoph," said the minister, "is a perpetual trust, +holding property as such under a general law of the state and able as +such to be made the object of suit or distraint. I speak with some +assurance as I had occasion to enquire into the matter at the time when +I was looking for guidance in regard to the call I had received to come +here." + + * * * * * + +"It's a quite simple matter," Mr. Skinyer presently reported to Mr. +Fyshe. "One of the churches is a perpetual trust, the other practically +a state corporation. Each has full control over its property provided +nothing is done by either to infringe the purity of its doctrine." + +"Just what does that mean?" asked Mr. Fyshe. + +"It must maintain its doctrine absolutely pure. Otherwise if certain of +its trustees remain pure and the rest do not, those who stay pure are +entitled to take the whole of the property. This, I believe, happens +every day in Scotland where, of course, there is great eagerness to +remain pure in doctrine." + +"And what do you define as _pure_ doctrine?" asked Mr. Fyshe. + +"If the trustees are in dispute," said Mr. Skinyer, "the courts decide, +but any doctrine is held to be a pure doctrine if _all_ the trustees +regard it as a pure doctrine." + +"I see," said Mr. Fyshe thoughtfully, "it's the same thing as what we +called 'permissible policy' on the part of directors in the Tin Pot +Combination." + +"Exactly," assented Mr. Skinyer, "and it means that for the merger we +need nothing--I state it very frankly--except general consent." + + * * * * * + +The preliminary stages of the making of the merger followed along +familiar business lines. The trustees of St. Asaph's went through the +process known as 'approaching' the trustees of St. Osoph's. First of +all, for example, Mr. Lucullus Fyshe invited Mr. Asmodeus Boulder of +St. Osoph's to lunch with him at the Mausoleum Club; the cost of the +lunch, as is usual in such cases, was charged to the general expense +account of the church. Of course nothing whatever was said during the +lunch about the churches or their finances or anything concerning them. +Such discussion would have been a gross business impropriety. A few +days later the two brothers Overend dined with Mr. Furlong senior, the +dinner being charged directly to the contingencies account of St. +Asaph's. After which Mr. Skinyer and his partner, Mr. Beatem, went to +the spring races together on the Profit and Loss account of St. +Osoph's, and Philippa Overend and Catherine Dumfarthing were taken (by +the Unforeseen Disbursements Account) to the grand opera, followed by a +midnight supper. + +All of these things constituted what was called the promotion of the +merger and were almost exactly identical with the successive stages of +the making of the Amalgamated Distilleries and the Associated Tin Pot +Corporation; which was considered a most hopeful sign. + + * * * * * + +"Do you think they'll go into it?" asked Mr. Newberry of Mr. Furlong +senior, anxiously. "After all, what inducement have they?" + +"Every inducement," said Mr. Furlong. "All said and done they've only +one large asset--Dr. Dumfarthing. We're really offering to buy up Dr. +Dumfarthing by pooling our assets with theirs." + +"And what does Dr. Dumfarthing himself say to it?" + +"Ah, there I am not so sure," said Mr. Furlong; "that may be a +difficulty. So far there hasn't been a word from him, and his trustees +are absolutely silent about his views. However, we shall soon know all +about it. Skinyer is asking us all to come together one evening next +week to draw up the articles of agreement." + +"Has he got the financial basis arranged then?" + +"I believe so," said Mr. Furlong. "His idea is to form a new +corporation to be known as the United Church Limited or by some similar +name. All the present mortgagees will be converted into unified +bondholders, the pew rents will be capitalized into preferred stock and +the common stock, drawing its dividend from the offertory, will be +distributed among all members in standing. Skinyer says that it is +really an ideal form of church union, one that he thinks is likely to +be widely adopted. It has the advantage of removing all questions of +religion, which he says are practically the only remaining obstacle to +a union of all the churches. In fact it puts the churches once and for +all on a business basis." + +"But what about the question of doctrine, of belief?" asked Mr. +Newberry. + +"Skinyer says he can settle it," answered Mr. Furlong. + + * * * * * + +About a week after the above conversation the united trustees of St. +Asaph's and St. Osoph's were gathered about a huge egg-shaped table in +the board room of the Mausoleum Club. They were seated in intermingled +fashion after the precedent of the recent Tin Pot Amalgamation and were +smoking huge black cigars specially kept by the club for the promotion +of companies and chargeable to expenses of organization at fifty cents +a cigar. There was an air of deep peace brooding over the assembly, as +among men who have accomplished a difficult and meritorious task. + +"Well, then," said Mr. Skinyer, who was in the chair, with a pile of +documents in front of him, "I think that our general basis of financial +union may be viewed as settled." + +A murmur of assent went round the meeting. "The terms are set forth in +the memorandum before us, which you have already signed. Only one other +point--a minor one--remains to be considered. I refer to the doctrines +or the religious belief of the new amalgamation." + +"Is it necessary to go into that?" asked Mr. Boulder. + +"Not entirely, perhaps," said Mr. Skinyer. "Still there have been, as +you all know, certain points--I won't say of disagreement--but let us +say of friendly argument--between the members of the different +churches--such things for example," here he consulted his papers, "as +the theory of the creation, the salvation of the soul, and so forth, +have been mentioned in this connection. I have a memorandum of them +here, though the points escape me for the moment. These, you may say, +are not matters of first importance, especially as compared with the +intricate financial questions which we have already settled in a +satisfactory manner. Still I think it might be well if I were permitted +with your unanimous approval to jot down a memorandum or two to be +afterwards embodied in our articles." + +There was a general murmur of approval. "Very good," said Mr. Skinyer, +settling himself back in his chair. "Now, first, in regard to the +creation," here he looked all round the meeting in a way to command +attention--"Is it your wish that we should leave that merely to a +gentlemen's agreement or do you want an explicit clause?" + +"I think it might be well," said Mr. Dick Overend, "to leave no doubt +about the theory of the creation." + +"Good," said Mr. Skinyer. "I am going to put it down then something +after this fashion: 'On and after, let us say, August 1st proximo, the +process of the creation shall be held, and is hereby held, to be such +and such only as is acceptable to a majority of the holders of common +and preferred stock voting pro rata.' Is that agreed?" + +"Carried," cried several at once. + +"Carried," repeated Mr. Skinyer. "Now let us pass on"--here he +consulted his notes--"to item two, eternal punishment. I have made a +memorandum as follows, 'Should any doubts arise, on or after August +first proximo, as to the existence of eternal punishment they shall be +settled absolutely and finally by a pro-rata vote of all the holders of +common and preferred stock.' Is that agreed?" + +"One moment!" said Mr. Fyshe, "do you think that quite fair to the +bondholders? After all, as the virtual holders of the property, they +are the persons most interested. I should like to amend your clause and +make it read--I am not phrasing it exactly but merely giving the sense +of it--that eternal punishment should be reserved for the mortgagees +and bondholders." + +At this there was an outbreak of mingled approval and dissent, several +persons speaking at once. In the opinion of some the stockholders of +the company, especially the preferred stockholders, had as good a right +to eternal punishment as the bondholders. Presently Mr. Skinyer, who +had been busily writing notes, held up his hand for silence. + +"Gentlemen," he said, "will you accept this as a compromise? We will +keep the original clause but merely add to it the words, 'but no form +of eternal punishment shall be declared valid if displeasing to a +three-fifths majority of the holders of bonds.'" + +"Carried, carried," cried everybody. + +"To which I think we need only add," said Mr. Skinyer, "a clause to the +effect that all other points of doctrine, belief or religious principle +may be freely altered, amended, reversed or entirely abolished at any +general annual meeting!" + +There was a renewed chorus of "Carried, carried," and the trustees rose +from the table shaking hands with one another, and lighting fresh +cigars as they passed out of the club into the night air. + +"The only thing that I don't understand," said Mr. Newberry to Dr. +Boomer as they went out from the club arm in arm (for they might now +walk in that fashion with the same propriety as two of the principals +in a distillery merger), "the only thing that I don't understand is why +the Reverend Mr. Dumfarthing should be willing to consent to the +amalgamation." + +"Do you really not know?" said Dr. Boomer. + +"No." + +"You have heard nothing?" + +"Not a word," said Mr. Newberry. + +"Ah," rejoined the president, "I see that our men have kept it very +quiet--naturally so, in view of the circumstances. The truth is that +the Reverend Mr. Dumfarthing is leaving us." + +"Leaving St. Osoph's!" exclaimed Mr. Newberry in utter astonishment. + +"To our great regret. He has had a call--a most inviting field of work, +he says, a splendid opportunity. They offered him ten thousand one +hundred; we were only giving him ten thousand here, though of course +that feature of the situation would not weigh at all with a man like +Dumfarthing." + +"Oh no, of course not," said Mr. Newberry. + +"As soon as we heard of the call we offered him ten thousand three +hundred--not that that would make any difference to a man of his +character. Indeed Dumfarthing was still waiting and looking for +guidance when they offered him eleven thousand. We couldn't meet it. It +was beyond us, though we had the consolation of knowing that with such +a man as Dumfarthing the money made no difference." + +"And he has accepted the call?" + +"Yes. He accepted it today. He sent word to Mr. Dick Overend our +chairman, that he would remain in his manse, looking for light, until +two-thirty, after which, if we had not communicated with him by that +hour, he would cease to look for it." + +"Dear me," said Mr. Newberry, deep in reflection, "so that when your +trustees came to the meeting--" + +"Exactly," said Dr. Boomer--and something like a smile passed across +his features for a moment "Dr. Dumfarthing had already sent away his +telegram of acceptance." + +"Why, then," said Mr. Newberry, "at the time of our discussion tonight, +you were in the position of having no minister." + +"Not at all. We had already appointed a successor." + +"A successor?" + +"Certainly. It will be in tomorrow morning's papers. The fact is that +we decided to ask Dr. McTeague to resume his charge." + +"Dr. McTeague!" repeated Mr. Newberry in amazement. "But surely his +mind is understood to be--" + +"Oh not at all," interrupted Dr. Boomer. "His mind appears if anything, +to be clearer and stronger than ever. Dr. Slyder tells us that +paralysis of the brain very frequently has this effect; it soothes the +brain--clears it, as it were, so that very often intellectual problems +which occasioned the greatest perplexity before present no difficulty +whatever afterwards. Dr. McTeague, I believe, finds no trouble now in +reconciling St. Paul's dialectic with Hegel as he used to. He says that +so far as he can see they both mean the same thing." + +"Well, well," said Mr. Newberry, "and will Dr. McTeague also resume his +philosophical lectures at the university?" + +"We think it wiser not," said the president. "While we feel that Dr. +McTeague's mind is in admirable condition for clerical work we fear +that professorial duties might strain it. In order to get the full +value of his remarkable intelligence, we propose to elect him to the +governing body of the university. There his brain will be safe from any +shock. As a professor there would always be the fear that one of his +students might raise a question in his class. This of course is not a +difficulty that arises in the pulpit or among the governors of the +university." + +"Of course not," said Mr. Newberry. + + * * * * * + +Thus was constituted the famous union or merger of the churches of St. +Asaph and St. Osoph, viewed by many of those who made it as the +beginning of a new era in the history of the modern church. + +There is no doubt that it has been in every way an eminent success. + +Rivalry, competition, and controversies over points of dogma have +become unknown on Plutoria Avenue. The parishioners of the two churches +may now attend either of them just as they like. As the trustees are +fond of explaining it doesn't make the slightest difference. The entire +receipts of the churches, being now pooled, are divided without +reference to individual attendance. At each half year there is issued a +printed statement which is addressed to the shareholders of the United +Churches Limited and is hardly to be distinguished in style or material +from the annual and semi-annual reports of the Tin Pot Amalgamation and +the United Hardware and other quasi-religious bodies of the sort. "Your +directors," the last of these documents states, "are happy to inform +you that in spite of the prevailing industrial depression the gross +receipts of the corporation have shown such an increase as to justify +the distribution of a stock dividend of special Offertory Stock +Cumulative, which will be offered at par to all holders of common or +preferred shares. You will also be gratified to learn that the +directors have voted unanimously in favour of a special presentation to +the Rev. Uttermust Dumfarthing on the occasion of his approaching +marriage. It was earnestly debated whether this gift should take the +form, as at first suggested, of a cash presentation, or as afterwards +suggested, of a written testimonial in the form of an address. The +latter course was finally adopted as being more fitting to the +circumstances and the address has accordingly been prepared, setting +forth to the Rev. Dr. Dumfarthing, in old English lettering and +wording, the opinion which is held of him by his former parishioners." + +The "approaching marriage" referred of course to Dr. Dumfarthing's +betrothal to Juliana Furlong. It was not known that he had ever exactly +proposed to her. But it was understood that before giving up his charge +he drew her attention, in very severe terms, to the fact that, as his +daughter was now leaving him, he must either have someone else to look +after his manse or else be compelled to incur the expense of a paid +housekeeper. This latter alternative, he said, was not one that he +cared to contemplate. He also reminded her that she was now at a time +of life when she could hardly expect to pick and choose and that her +spiritual condition was one of, at least, great uncertainty. These +combined statements are held, under the law of Scotland at any rate, to +be equivalent to an offer of marriage. + +Catherine Dumfarthing did not join her father in his new manse. She +first remained behind him, as the guest of Philippa Overend for a few +weeks while she was occupied in packing up her things. After that she +stayed for another two or three weeks to unpack them. This had been +rendered necessary by a conversation held with the Reverend Edward +Fareforth Furlong, in a shaded corner of the Overend's garden. After +which, in due course of time, Catherine and Edward were married, the +ceremony being performed by the Reverend Dr. McTeague whose eyes filled +with philosophical tears as he gave them his blessing. + +So the two churches of St. Asaph and St. Osoph stand side by side +united and at peace. Their bells call softly back and forward to one +another on Sunday mornings and such is the harmony between them that +even the episcopal rooks in the elm trees of St. Asaph's and the +presbyterian crows in the spruce trees of St. Osoph's are known to +exchange perches on alternate Sundays. + + + +CHAPTER EIGHT: The Great Fight for Clean Government + +"As to the government of this city," said Mr. Newberry, leaning back in +a leather armchair at the Mausoleum Club and lighting a second cigar, +"it's rotten, that's all." + +"Absolutely rotten," assented Mr. Dick Overend, ringing the bell for a +second whiskey and soda. + +"Corrupt," said Mr. Newberry, between two puffs of his cigar. + +"Full of graft," said Mr. Overend, flicking his ashes into the grate. + +"Crooked aldermen," said Mr. Newberry. + +"A bum city solicitor," said Mr. Overend, "and an infernal grafter for +treasurer." + +"Yes," assented Mr. Newberry, and then, leaning forwards in his chair +and looking carefully about the corridors of the club, he spoke behind +his hand and said, "And the mayor's the biggest grafter of the lot. And +what's more," he added, sinking his voice to a whisper, "the time has +come to speak out about it fearlessly." + +Mr. Overend nodded. "It's a tyranny," he said. + +"Worse than Russia," rejoined Mr. Newberry. + + * * * * * + +They had been sitting in a quiet corner of the club--it was on a Sunday +evening--and had fallen into talking, first of all, of the present +rottenness of the federal politics of the United States--not +argumentatively or with any heat, but with the reflective sadness that +steals over an elderly man when he sits in the leather armchair of a +comfortable club smoking a good cigar and musing on the decadence of +the present day. The rottenness of the federal government didn't anger +them. It merely grieved them. + +They could remember--both of them--how different everything was when +they were young men just entering on life. When Mr. Newberry and Mr. +Dick Overend were young, men went into congress from pure patriotism; +there was no such thing as graft or crookedness, as they both admitted, +in those days; and as for the United States Senate--here their voices +were almost hushed in awe--why, when they were young, the United States +Senate-- + +But no, neither of them could find a phrase big enough for their +meaning. + +They merely repeated "as for the United States Senate--" and then shook +their heads and took long drinks of whiskey and soda. + +Then, naturally, speaking of the rottenness of the federal government +had led them to talk of the rottenness of the state legislature. How +different from the state legislatures that they remembered as young +men! Not merely different in the matter of graft, but different, so Mr. +Newberry said, in the calibre of the men. He recalled how he had been +taken as a boy of twelve by his father to hear a debate. He would never +forget it. Giants! he said, that was what they were. In fact, the thing +was more like a Witenagemot than a legislature. He said he distinctly +recalled a man, whose name he didn't recollect, speaking on a question +he didn't just remember what, either for or against he just couldn't +recall which; it thrilled him. He would never forget it. It stayed in +his memory as if it were yesterday. + +But as for the present legislature--here Mr. Dick Overend sadly nodded +assent in advance to what he knew was coming--as for the present +legislature--well--Mr. Newberry had had, he said, occasion to visit the +state capital a week before in connection with a railway bill that he +was trying to--that is, that he was anxious to--in short in connection +with a railway bill, and when he looked about him at the men in the +legislature--positively he felt ashamed; he could put it no other way +than that--ashamed. + +After which, from speaking of the crookedness of the state government +Mr. Newberry and Mr. Dick Overend were led to talk of the crookedness +of the city government! And they both agreed, as above, that things +were worse than in Russia. What secretly irritated them both most was +that they had lived and done business under this infernal corruption +for thirty or forty years and hadn't noticed it. They had been too busy. + +The fact was that their conversation reflected not so much their own +original ideas as a general wave of feeling that was passing over the +whole community. + +There had come a moment--quite suddenly it seemed--when it occurred to +everybody at the same time that the whole government of the city was +rotten. The word is a strong one. But it is the one that was used. Look +at the aldermen, they said--rotten! Look at the city solicitor, rotten! +And as for the mayor himself--phew! + +The thing came like a wave. Everybody felt it at once. People wondered +how any sane, intelligent community could tolerate the presence of a +set of corrupt scoundrels like the twenty aldermen of the city. Their +names, it was said, were simply a byword throughout the United States +for rank criminal corruption. This was said so widely that everybody +started hunting through the daily papers to try to find out who in +blazes were aldermen, anyhow. Twenty names are hard to remember, and as +a matter of fact, at the moment when this wave of feeling struck the +city, nobody knew or cared who were aldermen, anyway. + +To tell the truth, the aldermen had been much the same persons for +about fifteen or twenty years. Some were in the produce business, +others were butchers, two were grocers, and all of them wore blue +checkered waistcoats and red ties and got up at seven in the morning to +attend the vegetable and other markets. Nobody had ever really thought +about them--that is to say, nobody on Plutoria Avenue. Sometimes one +saw a picture in the paper and wondered for a moment who the person +was; but on looking more closely and noticing what was written under +it, one said, "Oh, I see, an alderman," and turned to something else. + +"Whose funeral is that?" a man would sometimes ask on Plutoria Avenue. +"Oh just one of the city aldermen," a passerby would answer hurriedly. +"Oh I see, I beg your pardon, I thought it might be somebody important." + +At which both laughed. + + * * * * * + +It was not just clear how and where this movement of indignation had +started. People said that it was part of a new wave of public morality +that was sweeping over the entire United States. Certainly it was being +remarked in almost every section of the country. Chicago newspapers +were attributing its origin to the new vigour and the fresh ideals of +the middle west. In Boston it was said to be due to a revival of the +grand old New England spirit. In Philadelphia they called it the spirit +of William Penn. In the south it was said to be the reassertion of +southern chivalry making itself felt against the greed and selfishness +of the north, while in the north they recognized it at once as a +protest against the sluggishness and ignorance of the south. In the +west they spoke of it as a revolt against the spirit of the east and in +the east they called it a reaction against the lawlessness of the west. +But everywhere they hailed it as a new sign of the glorious unity of +the country. + +If therefore Mr. Newberry and Mr. Overend were found to be discussing +the corrupt state of their city they only shared in the national +sentiments of the moment. In fact in the same city hundreds of other +citizens, as disinterested as themselves, were waking up to the +realization of what was going on. As soon as people began to look into +the condition of things in the city they were horrified at what they +found. It was discovered, for example, that Alderman Schwefeldampf was +an undertaker! Think of it! In a city with a hundred and fifty deaths a +week, and sometimes even better, an undertaker sat on the council! A +city that was about to expropriate land and to spend four hundred +thousand dollars for a new cemetery, had an undertaker on the +expropriation committee itself! And worse than that! Alderman Undercutt +was a butcher! In a city that consumed a thousand tons of meat every +week! And Alderman O'Hooligan--it leaked out--was an Irishman! Imagine +it! An Irishman sitting on the police committee of the council in a +city where thirty-eight and a half out of every hundred policemen were +Irish, either by birth or parentage! The thing was monstrous. + +So when Mr. Newberry said "It's worse than Russia!" he meant it, every +word. + + * * * * * + +Now just as Mr. Newberry and Mr. Dick Overend were finishing their +discussion, the huge bulky form of Mayor McGrath came ponderously past +them as they sat. He looked at them sideways out of his eyes--he had +eyes like plums in a mottled face--and, being a born politician, he +knew by the very look of them that they were talking of something that +they had no business to be talking about. But,--being a politician--he +merely said, "Good evening, gentlemen," without a sign of disturbance. + +"Good evening, Mr. Mayor," said Mr. Newberry, rubbing his hands feebly +together and speaking in an ingratiating tone. There is no more +pitiable spectacle than an honest man caught in the act of speaking +boldly and fearlessly of the evil-doer. + +"Good evening, Mr. Mayor," echoed Mr. Dick Overend, also rubbing his +hands; "warm evening, is it not?" + +The mayor gave no other answer than that deep guttural grunt which is +technically known in municipal interviews as refusing to commit oneself. + +"Did he hear?" whispered Mr. Newberry as the mayor passed out of the +club. + +"I don't care if he did," whispered Mr. Dick Overend. + +Half an hour later Mayor McGrath entered the premises of the Thomas +Jefferson Club, which was situated in the rear end of a saloon and pool +room far down in the town. + +"Boys," he said to Alderman O'Hooligan and Alderman Gorfinkel, who were +playing freeze-out poker in a corner behind the pool tables, "you want +to let the boys know to keep pretty dark and go easy. There's a lot of +talk I don't like about the elections going round the town. Let the +boys know that just for a while the darker they keep the better." + +Whereupon the word was passed from the Thomas Jefferson Club to the +George Washington Club and thence to the Eureka Club (coloured), and to +the Kossuth Club (Hungarian), and to various other centres of civic +patriotism in the lower parts of the city. And forthwith such a +darkness began to spread over them that not even honest Diogenes with +his lantern could have penetrated their doings. + +"If them stiffs wants to make trouble," said the president of the +George Washington Club to Mayor McGrath a day or two later, "they won't +never know what they've bumped up against." + +"Well," said the heavy mayor, speaking slowly and cautiously and eyeing +his henchman with quiet scrutiny, "you want to go pretty easy now, I +tell you." + +The look which the mayor directed at his satellite was much the same +glance that Morgan the buccaneer might have given to one of his +lieutenants before throwing him overboard. + + * * * * * + +Meantime the wave of civic enthusiasm as reflected in the conversations +of Plutoria Avenue grew stronger with every day. + +"The thing is a scandal," said Mr. Lucullus Fyshe. "Why, these fellows +down at the city hall are simply a pack of rogues. I had occasion to do +some business there the other day (it was connected with the assessment +of our soda factories) and do you know, I actually found that these +fellows take money!" + +"I say!" said Mr. Peter Spillikins, to whom he spoke, "I say! You don't +say!" + +"It's a fact," repeated Mr. Fyshe. "They take money. I took the +assistant treasurer aside and I said, 'I want such and such done,' and +I slipped a fifty dollar bill into his hand. And the fellow took it, +took it like a shot." + +"He took it!" gasped Mr. Spillikins. + +"He did," said Mr. Fyshe. "There ought to be a criminal law for that +sort of thing." + +"I say!" exclaimed Mr. Spillikins, "they ought to go to jail for a +thing like that." + +"And the infernal insolence of them," Mr. Fyshe continued. "I went down +the next day to see the deputy assistant (about a thing connected with +the same matter), told him what I wanted and passed a fifty dollar bill +across the counter and the fellow fairly threw it back at me, in a +perfect rage. He refused it!" + +"Refused it," gasped Mr. Spillikins, "I say!" + +Conversations such as this filled up the leisure and divided the +business time of all the best people in the city. + +In the general gloomy outlook, however, one bright spot was observable. +The "wave" had evidently come just at the opportune moment. For not +only were civic elections pending but just at this juncture four or +five questions of supreme importance would be settled by the incoming +council. There was, for instance, the question of the expropriation of +the Traction Company (a matter involving many millions); there was the +decision as to the renewal of the franchise of the Citizens' Light +Company--a vital question; there was also the four hundred thousand +dollar purchase of land for the new addition to the cemetery, a matter +that must be settled. And it was felt, especially on Plutoria Avenue, +to be a splendid thing that the city was waking up, in the moral sense, +at the very time when these things were under discussion. All the +shareholders of the Traction Company and the Citizens' Light--and they +included the very best, the most high-minded, people in the city--felt +that what was needed now was a great moral effort, to enable them to +lift the city up and carry it with them, or, if not all of it, at any +rate as much of it as they could. + +"It's a splendid movement!" said Mr. Fyshe (he was a leading +shareholder and director of the Citizens' Light), "what a splendid +thing to think that we shan't have to deal for our new franchise with a +set of corrupt rapscallions like these present aldermen. Do you know, +Furlong, that when we approached them first with a proposition for a +renewal for a hundred and fifty years they held us up! Said it was too +long! Imagine that! A hundred and fifty years (only a century and a +half) too long for the franchise! They expect us to install all our +poles, string our wires, set up our transformers in their streets and +then perhaps at the end of a hundred years find ourselves compelled to +sell out at a beggarly valuation. Of course we knew what they wanted. +They meant us to hand them over fifty dollars each to stuff into their +rascally pockets." + +"Outrageous!" said Mr. Furlong. + +"And the same thing with the cemetery land deal," went on Mr. Lucullus +Fyshe. "Do you realize that, if the movement hadn't come along and +checked them, those scoundrels would have given that rogue +Schwefeldampf four hundred thousand dollars for his fifty acres! Just +think of it!" + +"I don't know," said Mr. Furlong with a thoughtful look upon his face, +"that four hundred thousand dollars is an excessive price, in and of +itself, for that amount of land." + +"Certainly not," said Mr. Fyshe, very quietly and decidedly, looking at +Mr. Furlong in a searching way as he spoke. "It is _not_ a high price. +It seems to me, speaking purely as an outsider, a very fair, reasonable +price for fifty acres of suburban land, if it were the right land. If, +for example, it were a case of making an offer for that very fine +stretch of land, about twenty acres, is it not, which I believe your +Corporation owns on the _other_ side of the cemetery, I should say four +hundred thousand is a most modest price." + +Mr. Furlong nodded his head reflectively. + +"You had thought, had you not, of offering it to the city?" said Mr. +Fyshe. + +"We did," said Mr. Furlong, "at a more or less nominal sum--four +hundred thousand or whatever it might be. We felt that for such a +purpose, almost sacred as it were, one would want as little bargaining +as possible." + +"Oh, none at all," assented Mr. Fyshe. + +"Our feeling was," went on Mr. Furlong, "that if the city wanted our +land for the cemetery extension, it might have it at its own +figure--four hundred thousand, half a million, in fact at absolutely +any price, from four hundred thousand up, that they cared to put on it. +We didn't regard it as a commercial transaction at all. Our reward lay +merely in the fact of selling it to them." + +"Exactly," said Mr. Fyshe, "and of course your land was more desirable +from every point of view. Schwefeldampf's ground is encumbered with a +growth of cypress and evergreens and weeping willows which make it +quite unsuitable for an up-to-date cemetery; whereas yours, as I +remember it, is bright and open--a loose sandy soil with no trees and +very little grass to overcome." + +"Yes," said Mr. Furlong. "We thought, too, that our ground, having the +tanneries and the chemical factory along the farther side of it, was an +ideal place for--" he paused, seeking a mode of expressing his thought. + +"For the dead," said Mr. Fyshe, with becoming reverence. And after this +conversation Mr. Fyshe and Mr. Furlong senior understood one another +absolutely in regard to the new movement. + +It was astonishing in fact how rapidly the light spread. + +"Is Rasselyer-Brown with us?" asked someone of Mr. Fyshe a few days +later. + +"Heart and soul," answered Mr. Fyshe. "He's very bitter over the way +these rascals have been plundering the city on its coal supply. He says +that the city has been buying coal wholesale at the pit mouth at three +fifty--utterly worthless stuff, he tells me. He has heard it said that +everyone of these scoundrels has been paid from twenty-five to fifty +dollars a winter to connive at it." + +"Dear me," said the listener. + +"Abominable, is it not?" said Mr. Fyshe. "But as I said to +Rasselyer-Brown, what can one do if the citizens themselves take no +interest in these things. 'Take your own case,' I said to him, 'how is +it that you, a coal man, are not helping the city in this matter? Why +don't you supply the city?' He shook his head, 'I wouldn't do it at +three-fifty,' he said. 'No,' I answered, 'but will you at five?' He +looked at me for a moment and then he said, 'Fyshe, I'll do it; at +five, or at anything over that they like to name. If we get a new +council in they may name their own figure.' 'Good,' I said. 'I hope all +the other businessmen will be animated with the same spirit.'" + + * * * * * + +Thus it was that the light broke and spread and illuminated in all +directions. People began to realize the needs of the city as they never +had before. Mr. Boulder, who owned, among other things, a stone quarry +and an asphalt company, felt that the paving of the streets was a +disgrace. Mr. Skinyer, of Skinyer and Beatem, shook his head and said +that the whole legal department of the city needed reorganization; it +needed, he said, new blood. But he added always in a despairing tone, +how could one expect to run a department with the head of it drawing +only six thousand dollars; the thing was impossible. If, he argued, +they could superannuate the present chief solicitor and get a man, a +_good_ man (Mr. Skinyer laid emphasis on this) at, say, fifteen +thousand there might be some hope. + +"Of course," said Mr. Skinyer to Mr. Newberry in discussing the topic, +"one would need to give him a proper staff of assistants so as to take +off his hands all the _routine_ work--the mere appearance in court, the +preparation of briefs, the office consultation, the tax revision and +the purely legal work. In that case he would have his hands free to +devote himself entirely to those things, which--in fact to turn his +attention in whatever direction he might feel it was advisable to turn +it." + + * * * * * + +Within a week or two the public movement had found definite expression +and embodied itself in the Clean Government Association. This was +organized by a group of leading and disinterested citizens who held +their first meeting in the largest upstairs room of the Mausoleum Club. +Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, Mr. Boulder, and others keenly interested in +obtaining simply justice for the stockholders of the Traction and the +Citizens' Light were prominent from the start. Mr. Rasselyer-Brown, Mr. +Furlong senior and others were there, not from special interest in the +light or traction questions, but, as they said themselves, from pure +civic spirit. Dr. Boomer was there to represent the university with +three of his most presentable professors, cultivated men who were able +to sit in a first-class club and drink whiskey and soda and talk as +well as any businessman present. Mr. Skinyer, Mr. Beatem and others +represented the bar. Dr. McTeague, blinking in the blue tobacco smoke, +was there to stand for the church. There were all-round enthusiasts as +well, such as Mr. Newberry and the Overend brothers and Mr. Peter +Spillikins. + +"Isn't it fine," whispered Mr. Spillikins to Mr. Newberry, "to see a +set of men like these all going into a thing like this, not thinking of +their own interests a bit?" + + * * * * * + +Mr. Fyshe, as chairman, addressed the meeting. He told them they were +there to initiate a great free voluntary movement of the people. It had +been thought wise, he said, to hold it with closed doors and to keep it +out of the newspapers. This would guarantee the league against the old +underhand control by a clique that had hitherto disgraced every part of +the administration of the city. He wanted, he said, to see everything +done henceforth in broad daylight: and for this purpose he had summoned +them there at night to discuss ways and means of action. After they +were once fully assured of exactly what they wanted to do and how they +meant to do it, the league he said, would invite the fullest and freest +advice from all classes in the city. There were none he said, amid +great applause, that were so lowly that they would not be invited--once +the platform of the league was settled--to advise and co-operate. All +might help, even the poorest. Subscription lists would be prepared +which would allow any sum at all, from one to five dollars, to be given +to the treasurer. The league was to be democratic or nothing. The +poorest might contribute as little as one dollar: even the richest +would not be allowed to give more than five. Moreover he gave notice +that he intended to propose that no actual official of the league +should be allowed under its by-laws to give anything. He himself--if +they did him the honour to make him president as he had heard it hinted +was their intention--would be the first to bow to this rule. He would +efface himself. He would obliterate himself, content in the interests +of all, to give nothing. He was able to announce similar pledges from +his friends, Mr. Boulder, Mr. Furlong, Dr. Boomer, and a number of +others. + +Quite a storm of applause greeted these remarks by Mr. Fyshe, who +flushed with pride as he heard it. + +"Now, gentlemen," he went on, "this meeting is open for discussion. +Remember it is quite informal, anyone may speak. I as chairman make no +claim to control or monopolize the discussion. Let everyone +understand--" + +"Well then, Mr. Chairman," began Mr. Dick Overend. + +"One minute, Mr. Overend," said Mr. Fyshe. "I want everyone to +understand that he may speak as--" + +"May I say then--" began Mr. Newberry. + +"Pardon me, Mr. Newberry," said Mr. Fyshe, "I was wishing first to +explain that not only may _all_ participate but that we _invite_--" + +"In that case--" began Mr. Newberry. + +"Before you speak," interrupted Mr. Fyshe, "let me add one word. We +must make our discussion as brief and to the point as possible. I have +a great number of things which I wish to say to the meeting and it +might be well if all of you would speak as briefly and as little as +possible. Has anybody anything to say?" + +"Well," said Mr. Newberry, "what about organization and officers?" + +"We have thought of it," said Mr. Fyshe. "We were anxious above all +things to avoid the objectionable and corrupt methods of a 'slate' and +a prepared list of officers which has disgraced every part of our city +politics until the present time. Mr. Boulder, Mr. Furlong and Mr. +Skinyer and myself have therefore prepared a short list of offices and +officers which we wish to submit to your fullest, freest consideration. +It runs thus: Hon. President Mr. L. Fyshe, Hon. Vice-president, Mr. A. +Boulder, Hon. Secretary Mr. Furlong, Hon. Treasurer Mr. O. Skinyer, et +cetera--I needn't read it all. You'll see it posted in the hall later. +Is that carried? Carried! Very good," said Mr. Fyshe. + +There was a moment's pause while Mr. Furlong and Mr. Skinyer moved into +seats beside Mr. Fyshe and while Mr. Furlong drew from his pocket and +arranged the bundle of minutes of the meeting which he had brought with +him. As he himself said he was too neat and methodical a writer to +trust to jotting them down on the spot. + +"Don't you think," said Mr. Newberry, "I speak as a practical man, that +we ought to do something to get the newspapers with us?" + +"Most important," assented several members. + +"What do you think, Dr. Boomer?" asked Mr. Fyshe of the university +president, "will the newspapers be with us?" + +Dr. Boomer shook his head doubtfully. "It's an important matter," he +said. "There is no doubt that we need, more than anything, the support +of a clean, wholesome unbiassed press that can't be bribed and is not +subject to money influence. I think on the whole our best plan would be +to buy up one of the city newspapers." + +"Might it not be better simply to buy up the editorial staff?" said Mr. +Dick Overend. + +"We might do that," admitted Dr. Boomer. "There is no doubt that the +corruption of the press is one of the worst factors that we have to +oppose. But whether we can best fight it by buying the paper itself or +buying the staff is hard to say." + +"Suppose we leave it to a committee with full power to act," said Mr. +Fyshe. "Let us direct them to take whatever steps may in their opinion +be best calculated to elevate the tone of the press, the treasurer +being authorized to second them in every way. I for one am heartily +sick of old underhand connection between city politics and the city +papers. If we can do anything to alter and elevate it, it will be a +fine work, gentlemen, well worth whatever it costs us." + + * * * * * + +Thus after an hour or two of such discussion the Clean Government +League found itself organized and equipped with a treasury and a +programme and a platform. The latter was very simple. As Mr. Fyshe and +Mr. Boulder said there was no need to drag in specific questions or try +to define the action to be taken towards this or that particular +detail, such as the hundred-and-fifty-year franchise, beforehand. The +platform was simply expressed as Honesty, Purity, Integrity. This, as +Mr. Fyshe said, made a straight, flat, clean issue between the league +and all who opposed it. + +This first meeting was, of course, confidential. But all that it did +was presently done over again, with wonderful freshness and spontaneity +at a large public meeting open to all citizens. There was a splendid +impromptu air about everything. For instance when somebody away back in +the hall said, "I move that Mr. Lucullus Fyshe be president of the +league," Mr. Fyshe lifted his hand in unavailing protest as if this +were the newest idea he had ever heard in his life. + +After all of which the Clean Government League set itself to fight the +cohorts of darkness. It was not just known where these were. But it was +understood that they were there all right, somewhere. In the platform +speeches of the epoch they figured as working underground, working in +the dark, working behind the scenes, and so forth. But the strange +thing was that nobody could state with any exactitude just who or what +it was that the league was fighting. It stood for "honesty, purity, and +integrity." That was all you could say about it. + +Take, for example, the case of the press. At the inception of the +league it has been supposed that such was the venality and corruption +of the city newspapers that it would be necessary to buy one of them. +But the word "clean government" had been no sooner uttered than it +turned out that every one of the papers in the city was in favour of +it: in fact had been working for it for years. + +They vied with one another now in giving publicity to the idea. The +_Plutorian Times_ printed a dotted coupon on the corner of its front +sheet with the words, "Are you in favour of Clean Government? If so, +send us ten cents with this coupon and your name and address." The +_Plutorian Citizen and Home Advocate_, went even further. It printed a +coupon which said, "Are you out for a clean city? If so send us +twenty-five cents to this office. We pledge ourselves to use it." + +The newspapers did more than this. They printed from day to day such +pictures as the portrait of Mr. Fyshe with the legend below, "Mr. +Lucullus Fyshe, who says that government ought to be by the people, +from the people, for the people and to the people"; and the next day +another labelled. "Mr. P. Spillikins, who says that all men are born +free and equal"; and the next day a picture with the words, "Tract of +ground offered for cemetery by Mr. Furlong, showing rear of tanneries, +with head of Mr. Furlong inserted." + +It was, of course, plain enough that certain of the aldermen of the old +council were to be reckoned as part of the cohort of darkness. That at +least was clear. "We want no more men in control of the stamp of +Alderman Gorfinkel and Alderman Schwefeldampf," so said practically +every paper in the city. "The public sense revolts at these men. They +are vultures who have feasted too long on the prostrate corpses of our +citizens." And so on. The only trouble was to discover who or what had +ever supported Alderman Gorfinkel and Alderman Schwefeldampf. The very +organizations that might have seemed to be behind them were evidently +more eager for clean government than the league itself. + +"The Thomas Jefferson Club Out for Clean Government," so ran the +newspaper headings of one day; and of the next, "Will help to clean up +City Government. Eureka Club (Coloured) endorses the League; Is done +with Darkness"; and the day after that, "Sons of Hungary Share in Good +Work: Kossuth Club will vote with the League." + +So strong, indeed, was the feeling against the iniquitous aldermen that +the public demand arose to be done with a council of aldermen +altogether and to substitute government by a Board. The newspapers +contained editorials on the topic each day and it was understood that +one of the first efforts of the league would be directed towards +getting the necessary sanction of the legislature in this direction. To +help to enlighten the public on what such government meant Professor +Proaser of the university (he was one of the three already referred to) +gave a public lecture on the growth of Council Government. He traced it +from the Amphictionic Council of Greece as far down as the Oligarchical +Council of Venice; it was thought that had the evening been longer he +would have traced it clean down to modern times. + +But most amazing of all was the announcement that was presently made, +and endorsed by Mr. Lucullus Fyshe in an interview, that Mayor McGrath +himself would favour clean government, and would become the official +nominee of the league itself. This certainly was strange. But it would +perhaps have been less mystifying to the public at large, had they been +able to listen to certain of the intimate conversations of Mr. Fyshe +and Mr. Boulder. + +"You say then," said Mr. Boulder, "to let McGrath's name stand." + +"We can't do without him," said Mr. Fyshe, "he has seven of the wards +in the hollow of his hand. If we take his offer he absolutely pledges +us every one of them." + +"Can you rely on his word?" said Mr. Boulder. + +"I think he means to play fair with us," answered Mr. Fyshe. "I put it +to him as a matter of honour, between man and man, a week ago. Since +then, I have had him carefully dictaphoned and I'm convinced he's +playing straight." + +"How far will he go with us?" said Mr. Boulder. + +"He is willing to throw overboard Gorfinkel, Schwefeldampf and +Undercutt. He says he must find a place for O'Hooligan. The Irish, he +says, don't care for clean government; they want Irish Government." + +"I see," said Mr. Boulder very thoughtfully, "and in regard to the +renewal of the franchise and the expropriation, tell me just exactly +what his conditions are." + +But Mr. Fyshe's answer to this was said so discreetly and in such a low +voice, that not even the birds listening in the elm trees outside the +Mausoleum Club could hear it. + +No wonder, then, that if even the birds failed to know everything about +the Clean Government League, there were many things which such good +people as Mr. Newberry and Mr. Peter Spillikins never heard at all and +never guessed. + + * * * * * + +Each week and every day brought fresh triumphs to the onward march of +the movement. + +"Yes, gentlemen," said Mr. Fyshe to the assembled committee of the +Clean Government League a few days later, "I am glad to be able to +report our first victory. Mr. Boulder and I have visited the state +capital and we are able to tell you definitely that the legislature +will consent to change our form of government so as to replace our +council by a Board." + +"Hear, hear!" cried all the committee men together. + +"We saw the governor," said Mr. Fyshe. "Indeed he was good enough to +lunch with us at the Pocahontas Club. He tells us that what we are +doing is being done in every city and town of the state. He says that +the days of the old-fashioned city council are numbered. They are +setting up boards everywhere." + +"Excellent!" said Mr. Newberry. + +"The governor assures us that what we want will be done. The chairman +of the Democratic State Committee (he was good enough to dine with us +at the Buchanan Club) has given us the same assurance. So also does the +chairman of the Republican State Committee, who was kind enough to be +our guest in a box at the Lincoln Theatre. It is most gratifying," +concluded Mr. Fyshe, "to feel that the legislature will give us such a +hearty, such a thoroughly American support." + +"You are sure of this, are you?" questioned Mr. Newberry. "You have +actually seen the members of the legislature?" + +"It was not necessary," said Mr. Fyshe. "The governor and the different +chairmen have them so well fixed--that is to say, they have such +confidence in the governor and their political organizers that they +will all be prepared to give us what I have described as thoroughly +American support." + +"You are quite sure," persisted Mr. Newberry, "about the governor and +the others you mentioned?" + +Mr. Fyshe paused a moment and then he said very quietly, "We are quite +sure," and he exchanged a look with Mr. Boulder that meant volumes to +those who would read it. + + * * * * * + +"I hope you didn't mind my questioning you in that fashion," said Mr. +Newberry, as he and Mr. Fyshe strolled home from the club. "The truth +is I didn't feel sure in my own mind just what was meant by a 'Board,' +and 'getting them to give us government by a Board.' I know I'm +speaking like an ignoramus. I've really not paid as much attention in +the past to civic politics as I ought to have. But what is the +difference between a council and a board?" + +"The difference between a council and a board?" repeated Mr. Fyshe. + +"Yes," said Mr. Newberry, "the difference between a council and a +board." + +"Or call it," said Mr. Fyshe reflectively, "the difference between a +board and a council." + +"Precisely," said Mr Newberry. + +"It's not altogether easy to explain," said Mr. Fyshe. "One chief +difference is that in the case of a board, sometimes called a +Commission, the salary is higher. You see the salary of an alderman or +councillor in most cities is generally not more than fifteen hundred or +two thousand dollars. The salary of a member of a board or commission +is at least ten thousand. That gives you at once a very different class +of men. As long as you only pay fifteen hundred you get your council +filled up with men who will do any kind of crooked work for fifteen +hundred dollars; as soon as you pay ten thousand you get men with +larger ideas." + +"I see," said Mr. Newberry. + +"If you have a fifteen hundred dollar man," Mr. Fyshe went on, "you can +bribe him at any time with a fifty-dollar bill. On the other hand your +ten-thousand-dollar man has a wider outlook. If you offer him fifty +dollars for his vote on the board, he'd probably laugh at you." + +"Ah, yes," said Mr. Newberry, "I see the idea. A fifteen-hundred-dollar +salary is so low that it will tempt a lot of men into office merely for +what they can get out of it." + +"That's it exactly," answered Mr. Fyshe. + + * * * * * + +From all sides support came to the new league. The women of the +city--there were fifty thousand of them on the municipal voters +list--were not behind the men. Though not officials of the league they +rallied to its cause. + +"Mr. Fyshe," said Mrs. Buncomhearst, who called at the office of the +president of the league with offers of support, "tell me what we can +do. I represent fifty thousand women voters of this city--" + +(This was a favourite phrase of Mrs. Buncomhearst's, though it had +never been made quite clear how or why she represented them.) + +"We want to help, we women. You know we've any amount of initiative, if +you'll only tell us what to do. You know, Mr. Fyshe, we've just as good +executive ability as you men, if you'll just tell us what to do. +Couldn't we hold a meeting of our own, all our own, to help the league +along?" + +"An excellent idea," said Mr. Fyshe. + +"And could you not get three or four men to come and address it so as +to stir us up?" asked Mrs. Buncomhearst anxiously. + +"Oh, certainly," said Mr. Fyshe. + +So it was known after this that the women were working side by side +with the men. The tea rooms of the Grand Palaver and the other hotels +were filled with them every day, busy for the cause. One of them even +invented a perfectly charming election scarf to be worn as a sort of +badge to show one's allegiance; and its great merit was that it was so +fashioned that it would go with anything. + +"Yes," said Mr. Fyshe to his committee, "one of the finest signs of our +movement is that the women of the city are with us. Whatever we may +think, gentlemen, of the question of woman's rights in general--and I +think we know what we _do_ think--there is no doubt that the influence +of women makes for purity in civic politics. I am glad to inform the +committee that Mrs. Buncomhearst and her friends have organized all the +working women of the city who have votes. They tell me that they have +been able to do this at a cost as low as five dollars per woman. Some +of the women--foreigners of the lower classes whose sense of political +morality is as yet imperfectly developed--have been organized at a cost +as low as one dollar per vote. But of course with our native American +women, with a higher standard of education and morality, we can hardly +expect to do it as low as that." + + * * * * * + +Nor were the women the only element of support added to the league. + +"Gentlemen," reported Dr. Boomer, the president of the university, at +the next committee meeting, "I am glad to say that the spirit which +animates us has spread to the students of the university. They have +organized, entirely by themselves and on their own account, a Students' +Fair Play League which has commenced its activities. I understand that +they have already ducked Alderman Gorfinkel in a pond near the +university. I believe they are looking for Alderman Schwefeldampf +tonight. I understand they propose to throw him into the reservoir. The +leaders of them--a splendid set of young fellows--have given me a +pledge that they will do nothing to bring discredit on the university." + +"I think I heard them on the street last night," said Mr. Newberry. + +"I believe they had a procession," said the president. + +"Yes, I heard them; they were shouting 'Rah! rah! rah! Clean +Government! Clean Government! Rah! rah!' It was really inspiring to +hear them." + +"Yes," said the president, "they are banded together to put down all +the hoodlumism and disturbance on the street that has hitherto +disgraced our municipal elections. Last night, as a demonstration, they +upset two streetcars and a milk wagon." + +"I heard that two of them were arrested," said Mr. Dick Overend. + +"Only by an error," said the president. "There was a mistake. It was +not known that they were students. The two who were arrested were +smashing the windows of the car, after it was upset, with their hockey +sticks. A squad of police mistook them for rioters. As soon as they +were taken to the police station, the mistake was cleared up at once. +The chief-of-police telephoned an apology to the university. I believe +the league is out again tonight looking for Alderman Schwefeldampf. But +the leaders assure me there will be no breach of the peace whatever. As +I say, I think their idea is to throw him into the reservoir." + +In the face of such efforts as these, opposition itself melted rapidly +away. The _Plutorian Times_ was soon able to announce that various +undesirable candidates were abandoning the field. "Alderman Gorfinkel," +it said, "who, it will be recalled, was thrown into a pond last week by +the students of the college, was still confined to his bed when +interviewed by our representative. Mr. Gorfinkel stated that he should +not offer himself as a candidate in the approaching election. He was, +he said, weary of civic honours. He had had enough. He felt it +incumbent on him to step out and make way for others who deserved their +turn as well as himself: in future he proposed to confine his whole +attention to his Misfit Semi-Ready Establishment which he was happy to +state was offering as nobby a line of early fall suiting as was ever +seen at the price." + + * * * * * + +There is no need to recount here in detail the glorious triumph of the +election day itself. It will always be remembered as the purest, +cleanest election ever held in the precincts of the city. The citizens' +organization turned out in overwhelming force to guarantee that it +should be so. Bands of Dr. Boomer's students, armed with baseball bats, +surrounded the polls to guarantee fair play. Any man wishing to cast an +unclean vote was driven from the booth: all those attempting to +introduce any element of brute force or rowdyism into the election were +cracked over the head. In the lower part of the town scores of willing +workers, recruited often from the humblest classes, kept order with +pickaxes. In every part of the city motor cars, supplied by all the +leading businessmen, lawyers, and doctors of the city, acted as patrols +to see that no unfair use should be made of other vehicles in carrying +voters to the polls. + +It was a foregone victory from the first--overwhelming and complete. +The cohorts of darkness were so completely routed that it was +practically impossible to find them. As it fell dusk the streets were +filled with roaring and surging crowds celebrating the great victory +for clean government, while in front of every newspaper office huge +lantern pictures of _Mayor McGrath the Champion of Pure Government_, +and _O. Skinyer, the People's Solicitor_, and the other nominees of the +league, called forth cheer after cheer of frenzied enthusiasm. + + * * * * * + +They held that night in celebration a great reception at the Mausoleum +Club on Plutoria Avenue, given at its own suggestion by the city. The +city, indeed, insisted on it. + +Nor was there ever witnessed even in that home of art and refinement a +scene of greater charm. In the spacious corridor of the club a +Hungarian band wafted Viennese music from Tyrolese flutes through the +rubber trees. There was champagne bubbling at a score of sideboards +where noiseless waiters poured it into goblets as broad and flat as +floating water-lily leaves. And through it all moved the shepherds and +shepherdesses of that beautiful Arcadia--the shepherds in their Tuxedo +jackets, with vast white shirt-fronts broad as the map of Africa, with +spotless white waistcoats girdling their equators, wearing heavy gold +watch-chains and little patent shoes blacker than sin itself--and the +shepherdesses in foaming billows of silks of every colour of the +kaleidoscope, their hair bound with glittering headbands or coiled with +white feathers, the very symbol of municipal purity. One would search +in vain the pages of pastoral literature to find the equal of it. + +And as they talked, the good news spread from group to group that it +was already known that the new franchise of the Citizens' Light was to +be made for two centuries so as to give the company a fair chance to +see what it could do. At the word of it, the grave faces of manly +bondholders flushed with pride, and the soft eyes of listening +shareholders laughed back in joy. For they had no doubt or fear, now +that clean government had come. They knew what the company could do. + +Thus all night long, outside of the club, the soft note of the motor +horns arriving and departing wakened the sleeping leaves of the elm +trees with their message of good tidings. And all night long, within +its lighted corridors, the bubbling champagne whispered to the +listening rubber trees of the new salvation of the city. So the night +waxed and waned till the slow day broke, dimming with its cheap prosaic +glare the shaded beauty of the artificial light, and the people of the +city--the best of them--drove home to their well-earned sleep; and the +others--in the lower parts of the city--rose to their daily toil. + + + +END + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Arcadian Adventures with the Idle Rich, by +Stephen Leacock + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ACADIAN ADVENTURES, IDLE RICH *** + +***** This file should be named 4020.txt or 4020.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/2/4020/ + +Produced by Gardner Buchanan. 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Uttermust Dumfarthing + +VIII The Great Fight for Clean Government + + + +CHAPTER ONE: A Little Dinner with Mr. Lucullus Fyshe + +The Mausoleum Club stands on the quietest corner of the +best residential street in the City. It is a Grecian +building of white stone. About it are great elm trees +with birds--the most expensive kind of birds--singing in +the branches. + +The street in the softer hours of the morning has an +almost reverential quiet. Great motors move drowsily +along it, with solitary chauffeurs returning at 10.30 +after conveying the earlier of the millionaires to their +downtown offices. The sunlight flickers through the elm +trees, illuminating expensive nurse-maids wheeling valuable +children in little perambulators. Some of the children +are worth millions and millions. In Europe, no doubt, +you may see in the Unter den Linden avenue or the Champs +Elysees a little prince or princess go past with a +clattering military guard of honour. But that is nothing. +It is not half so impressive, in the real sense, as what +you may observe every morning on Plutoria Avenue beside +the Mausoleum Club in the quietest part of the city. Here +you may see a little toddling princess in a rabbit suit +who owns fifty distilleries in her own right. There, in +a lacquered perambulator, sails past a little hooded head +that controls from its cradle an entire New Jersey +corporation. The United States attorney-general is suing +her as she sits, in a vain attempt to make her dissolve +herself into constituent companies. Near by is a child +of four, in a khaki suit, who represents the merger of +two trunk-line railways. You may meet in the flickered +sunlight any number of little princes and princesses far +more real than the poor survivals of Europe. Incalculable +infants wave their fifty-dollar ivory rattles in an +inarticulate greeting to one another. A million dollars +of preferred stock laughs merrily in recognition of a +majority control going past in a go-cart drawn by an +imported nurse. And through it all the sunlight falls +through the elm trees, and the birds sing and the motors +hum, so that the whole world as seen from the boulevard +of Plutoria Avenue is the very pleasantest place imaginable. + +Just below Plutoria Avenue, and parallel with it, the +trees die out and the brick and stone of the City begins +in earnest. Even from the Avenue you see the tops of +the sky-scraping buildings in the big commercial streets, +and can hear or almost hear the roar of the elevated +railway, earning dividends. And beyond that again the +City sinks lower, and is choked and crowded with the +tangled streets and little houses of the slums. + +In fact, if you were to mount to the roof of the Mausoleum +Club itself on Plutoria Avenue you could almost see the +slums from there. But why should you? And on the other +hand, if you never went up on the roof, but only dined +inside among the palm trees, you would never know that +the slums existed which is much better. + +There are broad steps leading up to the club, so broad +and so agreeably covered with matting that the physical +exertion of lifting oneself from one's motor to the door +of the club is reduced to the smallest compass. The richer +members are not ashamed to take the steps one at a time, +first one foot and then the other; and at tight money +periods, when there is a black cloud hanging over the +Stock Exchange, you may see each and every one of the +members of the Mausoleum Club dragging himself up the +steps after this fashion, his restless eyes filled with +the dumb pathos of a man wondering where he can put his +hand on half a million dollars. + +But at gayer times, when there are gala receptions at +the club, its steps are all buried under expensive carpet, +soft as moss and covered over with a long pavilion of +red and white awning to catch the snowflakes; and beautiful +ladies are poured into the club by the motorful. Then, +indeed, it is turned into a veritable Arcadia; and for +a beautiful pastoral scene, such as would have gladdened +the heart of a poet who understood the cost of things, +commend me to the Mausoleum Club on just such an evening. +Its broad corridors and deep recesses are filled with +shepherdesses such as you never saw, dressed in beautiful +shimmering gowns, and wearing feathers in their hair that +droop off sideways at every angle known to trigonometry. +And there are shepherds, too, with broad white waistcoats +and little patent leather shoes and heavy faces and +congested cheeks. And there is dancing and conversation +among the shepherds and shepherdesses, with such brilliant +flashes of wit and repartee about the rise in Wabash and +the fall in Cement that the soul of Louis Quatorze would +leap to hear it. And later there is supper at little +tables, when the shepherds and shepherdesses consume +preferred stocks and gold-interest bonds in the shape of +chilled champagne and iced asparagus, and great platefuls +of dividends and special quarterly bonuses are carried +to and fro in silver dishes by Chinese philosophers +dressed up to look like waiters. + +But on ordinary days there are no ladies in the club, +but only the shepherds. You may see them sitting about +in little groups of two and three under the palm trees +drinking whiskey and soda; though of course the more +temperate among them drink nothing but whiskey and Lithia +water, and those who have important business to do in +the afternoon limit themselves to whiskey and Radnor, or +whiskey and Magi water. There are as many kinds of +bubbling, gurgling, mineral waters in the caverns of the +Mausoleum Club as ever sparkled from the rocks of Homeric +Greece. And when you have once grown used to them, it is +as impossible to go back to plain water as it is to live +again in the forgotten house in a side street that you +inhabited long before you became a member. + +Thus the members sit and talk in undertones that float +to the ear through the haze of Havana smoke. You may hear +the older men explaining that the country is going to +absolute ruin, and the younger ones explaining that the +country is forging ahead as it never did before; but +chiefly they love to talk of great national questions, +such as the protective tariff and the need of raising +it, the sad decline of the morality of the working man, +the spread of syndicalism and the lack of Christianity +in the labour class, and the awful growth of selfishness +among the mass of the people. + +So they talk, except for two or three that drop off to +directors' meetings; till the afternoon fades and darkens +into evening, and the noiseless Chinese philosophers turn +on soft lights here and there among the palm trees. +Presently they dine at white tables glittering with cut +glass and green and yellow Rhine wines; and after dinner +they sit again among the palm-trees, half-hidden in the +blue smoke, still talking of the tariff and the labour +class and trying to wash away the memory and the sadness +of it in floods of mineral waters. So the evening passes +into night, and one by one the great motors come throbbing +to the door, and the Mausoleum Club empties and darkens +till the last member is borne away and the Arcadian day +ends in well-earned repose. + + * * * * * * * + +"I want you to give me your opinion very, very frankly," +said Mr. Lucullus Fyshe on one side of the luncheon table +to the Rev. Fareforth Furlong on the other. + +"By all means," said Mr. Furlong. + +Mr. Fyshe poured out a wineglassful of soda and handed +it to the rector to drink. + +"Now tell me very truthfully," he said, "is there too +much carbon in it?" + +"By no means," said Mr. Furlong. + +"And--quite frankly--not too much hydrogen?" + +"Oh, decidedly not." + +"And you would not say that the percentage of sodium +bicarbonate was too great for the ordinary taste?" + +"I certainly should not," said Mr. Furlong, and in this +he spoke the truth. + +"Very good then," said Mr. Fyshe, "I shall use it for +the Duke of Dulham this afternoon." + +He uttered the name of the Duke with that quiet, democratic +carelessness which meant that he didn't care whether half +a dozen other members lunching at the club could hear or +not. After all, what was a duke to a man who was president +of the People's Traction and Suburban Co., and the +Republican Soda and Siphon Co-operative, and chief director +of the People's District Loan and Savings? If a man with +a broad basis of popular support like that was proposing +to entertain a duke, surely there could be no doubt about +his motives? None at all. + +Naturally, too, if a man manufactures soda himself, he +gets a little over-sensitive about the possibility of +his guests noticing the existence of too much carbon in +it. + +In fact, ever so many of the members of the Mausoleum +Club manufacture things, or cause them to be manufactured, +or--what is the same thing--merge them when they are +manufactured. This gives them their peculiar chemical +attitude towards their food. One often sees a member +suddenly call the head waiter at breakfast to tell him +that there is too much ammonia in the bacon; and another +one protest at the amount of glucose in the olive oil; +and another that there is too high a percentage of nitrogen +in the anchovy. A man of distorted imagination might +think this tasting of chemicals in the food a sort of +nemesis of fate upon the members. But that would be very +foolish, for in every case the head waiter, who is the +chief of the Chinese philosophers mentioned above, says +that he'll see to it immediately and have the percentage +removed. And as for the members themselves, they are +about as much ashamed of manufacturing and merging things +as the Marquis of Salisbury is ashamed of the founders +of the Cecil family. + +What more natural, therefore, than that Mr. Lucullus +Fyshe, before serving the soda to the Duke, should try +it on somebody else? And what better person could be +found for this than Mr. Furlong, the saintly young rector +of St. Asaph's, who had enjoyed the kind of expensive +college education calculated to develop all the faculties. +Moreover, a rector of the Anglican Church who has been +in the foreign mission field is the kind of person from +whom one can find out, more or less incidentally, how +one should address and converse with a duke, and whether +you call him, "Your Grace," or "His Grace," or just +"Grace," or "Duke," or what. All of which things would +seem to a director of the People's Bank and the president +of the Republican Soda Co. so trivial in importance that +he would scorn to ask about them. + +So that was why Mr. Fyshe had asked Mr. Furlong to lunch +with him, and to dine with him later on in the same day +at the Mausoleum Club to meet the Duke of Dulham. And +Mr. Furlong, realizing that a clergyman must be all things +to all men and not avoid a man merely because he is a +duke, had accepted the invitation to lunch, and had +promised to come to dinner, even though it meant postponing +the Willing Workers' Tango Class of St. Asaph's until the +following Friday. + +Thus it had come about that Mr. Fyshe was seated at lunch, +consuming a cutlet and a pint of Moselle in the plain +downright fashion of a man so democratic that he is +practically a revolutionary socialist, and doesn't mind +saying so; and the young rector of St. Asaph's was sitting +opposite to him in a religious ecstasy over a _salmi_ of +duck. + +"The Duke arrived this morning, did he not?" said Mr. +Furlong. + +"From New York," said Mr. Fyshe. "He is staying at the +Grand Palaver. I sent a telegram through one of our New +York directors of the Traction, and his Grace has very +kindly promised to come over here to dine." + +"Is he here for pleasure?" asked the rector. + +"I understand he is--" Mr. Fyshe was going to say "about +to invest a large part of his fortune in American +securities," but he thought better of it. Even with the +clergy it is well to be careful. So he substituted "is +very much interested in studying American conditions." + +"Does he stay long?" asked Mr. Furlong. + +Had Mr. Lucullus Fyshe replied quite truthfully, he would +have said, "Not if I can get his money out of him quickly," +but he merely answered, "That I don't know." + +"He will find much to interest him," went on the rector +in a musing tone. "The position of the Anglican Church +in America should afford him an object of much +consideration. I understand," he added, feeling his way, +"that his Grace is a man of deep piety." + +"Very deep," said Mr. Fyshe. + +"And of great philanthropy?" + +"Very great." + +"And I presume," said the rector, taking a devout sip of +the unfinished soda, "that he is a man of immense wealth?" + +"I suppose so," answered Mr. Fyshe quite carelessly. "All +these fellows are." (Mr. Fyshe generally referred to the +British aristocracy as "these fellows.") "Land, you know, +feudal estates; sheer robbery, I call it. How the +working-class, the proletariat, stand for such tyranny +is more than I can see. Mark my words, Furlong, some day +they'll rise and the whole thing will come to a sudden +end." + +Mr. Fyshe was here launched upon his favourite topic; +but he interrupted himself, just for a moment, to speak +to the waiter. + +"What the devil do you mean," he said, "by serving +asparagus half-cold?" + +"Very sorry, sir," said the waiter, "shall I take it +out?" + +"Take it out? Of course take it out, and see that you +don't serve me stuff of that sort again, or I'll report +you." + +"Very sorry, sir," said the waiter. + +Mr. Fyshe looked at the vanishing waiter with contempt +upon his features. "These pampered fellows are getting +unbearable." he said. "By Gad, if I had my way I'd fire +the whole lot of them: lock 'em out, put 'em on the +street. That would teach 'em. Yes, Furlong, you'll live +to see it that the whole working-class will one day rise +against the tyranny of the upper classes, and society +will be overwhelmed." + +But if Mr. Fyshe had realized that at that moment, in +the kitchen of the Mausoleum Club, in those sacred +precincts themselves, there was a walking delegate of +the Waiters' International Union leaning against a +sideboard, with his bowler hat over one corner of his +eye, and talking to a little group of the Chinese +philosophers, he would have known that perhaps the social +catastrophe was a little nearer than even he suspected. + + * * * * * * * + +"Are you inviting anyone else tonight?" asked Mr. Furlong. + +"I should have liked to ask your father," said Mr. Fyshe, +"but unfortunately he is out of town." + +What Mr. Fyshe really meant was, "I am extremely glad +not to have to ask your father, whom I would not introduce +to the Duke on any account." + +Indeed, Mr. Furlong, senior, the father of the rector of +St. Asaph's, who was President of the New Amalgamated +Hymnal Corporation, and Director of the Hosanna Pipe and +Steam Organ, Limited, was entirely the wrong man for Mr. +Fyshe's present purpose. In fact, he was reputed to be +as smart a man as ever sold a Bible. At this moment he +was out of town, busied in New York with the preparation +of the plates of his new Hindu Testament (copyright); +but had he learned that a duke with several millions to +invest was about to visit the city, he would not have +left it for the whole of Hindustan. + +"I suppose you are asking Mr. Boulder," said the rector. + +"No," answered Mr. Fyshe very decidedly, dismissing the +name absolutely. + +Indeed, there was even better reason not to introduce +Mr. Boulder to the Duke. Mr. Fyshe had made that sort of +mistake once, and never intended to make it again. It +was only a year ago, on the occasion of the visit of +young Viscount FitzThistle to the Mausoleum Club, that +Mr. Fyshe had introduced Mr. Boulder to the Viscount and +had suffered grievously thereby. For Mr. Boulder had no +sooner met the Viscount than he invited him up to his +hunting-lodge in Wisconsin, and that was the last thing +known of the investment of the FitzThistle fortune. + +This Mr. Boulder of whom Mr. Fyshe spoke might indeed +have been seen at that moment at a further table of the +lunch room eating a solitary meal, an oldish man with a +great frame suggesting broken strength, with a white +beard and with falling under-eyelids that made him look +as if he were just about to cry. His eyes were blue and +far away, and his still, mournful face and his great bent +shoulders seemed to suggest all the power and mystery of +high finance. + +Gloom indeed hung over him. For, when one heard him talk +of listed stocks and cumulative dividends, there was as +deep a tone in his quiet voice as if he spoke of eternal +punishment and the wages of sin. + +Under his great hands a chattering viscount, or a sturdy +duke, or a popinjay Italian marquis was as nothing. + +Mr. Boulder's methods with titled visitors investing +money in America were deep. He never spoke to them of +money, not a word. He merely talked of the great American +forest--he had been born sixty-five years back, in a +lumber state--and, when he spoke of primeval trees and +the howl of the wolf at night among the pines, there was +the stamp of reality about it that held the visitor +spellbound; and when he fell to talking of his hunting-lodge +far away in the Wisconsin timber, duke, earl, or baron +that had ever handled a double-barrelled express rifle +listened and was lost. + +"I have a little place," Mr. Boulder would say in his +deep tones that seemed almost like a sob, "a sort of +shooting box, I think you'd call it, up in Wisconsin; +just a plain place"--he would add, almost crying--"made +of logs." + +"Oh, really," the visitor would interject, "made of logs. +By Jove, how interesting!" + +All titled people are fascinated at once with logs, and +Mr. Boulder knew it--at least subconsciously. + +"Yes, logs," he would continue, still in deep sorrow; +"just the plain cedar, not squared, you know, the old +original timber; I had them cut right out of the forest." + +By this time the visitor's excitement was obvious. "And +is there game there?" he would ask. + +"We have the timber-wolf," said Mr. Boulder, his voice +half choking at the sadness of the thing, "and of course +the jack wolf and the lynx." + +"And are they ferocious?" + +"Oh, extremely so--quite uncontrollable." + +On which the titled visitor was all excitement to start +for Wisconsin at once, even before Mr. Boulder's invitation +was put in words. + +And when he returned a week later, all tanned and wearing +bush-whackers' boots, and covered with wolf bites, his +whole available fortune was so completely invested in +Mr. Boulder's securities that you couldn't have shaken +twenty-five cents out of him upside down. + +Yet the whole thing had been done merely incidentally +round a big fire under the Wisconsin timber, with a dead +wolf or two lying in the snow. + +So no wonder that Mr. Fyshe did not propose to invite +Mr. Boulder to his little dinner. No, indeed. In fact, +his one aim was to keep Mr. Boulder and his log house +hidden from the Duke. + +And equally no wonder that as soon as Mr. Boulder read +of the Duke's arrival in New York, and saw by the _Commercial +Echo and Financial Undertone_ that he might come to the +City looking for investments, he telephoned at once to +his little place in Wisconsin--which had, of course, a +primeval telephone wire running to it--and told his +steward to have the place well aired and good fires +lighted; and he especially enjoined him to see if any of +the shanty men thereabouts could catch a wolf or two, as +he might need them. + + * * * * * * * + +"Is no one else coming then?" asked the rector. + +"Oh yes. President Boomer of the University. We shall be +a party of four. I thought the Duke might be interested +in meeting Boomer. He may care to hear something of the +archaeological remains of the continent." + +If the Duke did so care, he certainly had a splendid +chance in meeting the gigantic Dr. Boomer, the president +of Plutoria University. + +If he wanted to know anything of the exact distinction +between the Mexican Pueblo and the Navajo tribal house, +he had his opportunity right now. If he was eager to hear +a short talk--say half an hour--on the relative antiquity +of the Neanderthal skull and the gravel deposits of +the Missouri, his chance had come. He could learn as much +about the stone age and the bronze age, in America, from +President Boomer, as he could about the gold age and the +age of paper securities from Mr. Fyshe and Mr. Boulder. + +So what better man to meet a duke than an archaeological +president? + +And if the Duke should feel inclined, as a result of his +American visit (for Dr. Boomer, who knew everything, +understood what the Duke had come for), inclined, let us +say, to endow a chair in Primitive Anthropology, or do +any useful little thing of the sort, that was only fair +business all round; or if he even was willing to give a +moderate sum towards the general fund of Plutoria +University--enough, let us say, to enable the president +to dismiss an old professor and hire a new one-that surely +was reasonable enough. + +The president, therefore, had said yes to Mr. Fyshe's +invitation with alacrity, and had taken a look through +the list of his more incompetent professors to refresh +his memory. + + * * * * * * * + +The Duke of Dulham had landed in New York five days before +and had looked round eagerly for a field of turnips, but +hadn't seen any. He had been driven up Fifth Avenue and +had kept his eyes open for potatoes, but there were none. +Nor had he seen any shorthorns in Central Park, nor any +Southdowns on Broadway. For the Duke, of course, like +all dukes, was agricultural from his Norfolk jacket to +his hobnailed boots. + +At his restaurant he had cut a potato in two and sent +half of it to the head waiter to know if it was Bermudian. +It had all the look of an early Bermudian, but the Duke +feared from the shading of it that it might be only a +late Trinidad. And the head waiter sent it to the chef, +mistaking it for a complaint, and the chef sent it back +to the Duke with a message that it was not a Bermudian +but a Prince Edward Island. And the Duke sent his +compliments to the chef, and the chef sent his compliments +to the Duke. And the Duke was so pleased at learning this +that he had a similar potato wrapped up for him to take +away, and tipped the head waiter twenty-five cents, +feeling that in an extravagant country the only thing to +do is to go the people one better. So the Duke carried +the potato round for five days in New York and showed it +to everybody. But beyond this he got no sign of agriculture +out of the place at all. No one who entertained him seemed +to know what the beef that they gave him had been fed +on; no one, even in what seemed the best society, could +talk rationally about preparing a hog for the breakfast +table. People seemed to eat cauliflower without +distinguishing the Denmark variety from the Oldenburg, +and few, if any, knew Silesian bacon even when they tasted +it. And when they took the Duke out twenty-five miles +into what was called the country, there were still no +turnips, but only real estate, and railway embankments, +and advertising signs; so that altogether the obvious +and visible decline of American agriculture in what should +have been its leading centre saddened the Duke's heart. +Thus the Duke passed four gloomy days. Agriculture vexed +him, and still more, of course, the money concerns which +had brought him to America. + +Money is a troublesome thing. But it has got to be thought +about even by those who were not brought up to it. If, +on account of money matters, one has been driven to come +over to America in the hope of borrowing money, the +awkwardness of how to go about it naturally makes one +gloomy and preoccupied. Had there been broad fields of +turnips to walk in and Holstein cattle to punch in the +ribs, one might have managed to borrow it in the course +of gentlemanly intercourse, as from one cattle-man to +another. But in New York, amid piles of masonry and +roaring street-traffic and glittering lunches and palatial +residences one simply couldn't do it. + +Herein lay the truth about the Duke of Dulham's visit +and the error of Mr. Lucullus Fyshe. Mr. Fyshe was thinking +that the Duke had come to _lend_ money. In reality he had +come to _borrow_ it. In fact, the Duke was reckoning that +by putting a second mortgage on Dulham Towers for twenty +thousand sterling, and by selling his Scotch shooting +and leasing his Irish grazing and sub-letting his Welsh +coal rent he could raise altogether a hundred thousand +pounds. This for a duke, is an enormous sum. If he once +had it he would be able to pay off the first mortgage on +Dulham Towers, buy in the rights of the present tenant +of the Scotch shooting and the claim of the present +mortgagee of the Irish grazing, and in fact be just where +he started. This is ducal finance, which moves always in +a circle. + +In other words the Duke was really a poor man--not poor +in the American sense, where poverty comes as a sudden +blighting stringency, taking the form of an inability to +get hold of a quarter of a million dollars, no matter +how badly one needs it, and where it passes like a +storm-cloud and is gone, but poor in that permanent and +distressing sense known only to the British aristocracy. +The Duke's case, of course, was notorious, and Mr. Fyshe +ought to have known of it. The Duke was so poor that the +Duchess was compelled to spend three or four months every +year at a fashionable hotel on the Riviera simply to save +money, and his eldest son, the young Marquis of Beldoodle, +had to put in most of his time shooting big game in +Uganda, with only twenty or twenty-five beaters, and with +so few carriers and couriers and such a dearth of elephant +men and hyena boys that the thing was a perfect scandal. +The Duke indeed was so poor that a younger son, simply +to add his efforts to those of the rest, was compelled +to pass his days in mountain climbing in the Himalayas, +and the Duke's daughter was obliged to pay long visits +to minor German princesses, putting up with all sorts of +hardship. And while the ducal family wandered about in +this way--climbing mountains, and shooting hyenas, and +saving money, the Duke's place or seat, Dulham Towers, +was practically shut up, with no one in it but servants +and housekeepers and gamekeepers and tourists; and the +picture galleries, except for artists and visitors and +villagers, were closed; and the town house, except for +the presence of servants and tradesmen and secretaries, +was absolutely shut. But the Duke knew that rigid parsimony +of this sort, if kept up for a generation or two, will +work wonders, and this sustained him; and the Duchess +knew it, and it sustained her; in fact, all the ducal +family, knowing that it was only a matter of a generation +or two, took their misfortune very cheerfully. + +The only thing that bothered the Duke was borrowing money. +This was necessary from time to time when loans or +mortgages fell in, but he hated it. It was beneath him. +His ancestors had often taken money, but had never borrowed +it, and the Duke chafed under the necessity. There was +something about the process that went against the grain. +To sit down in pleasant converse with a man, perhaps +almost a gentleman, and then lead up to the subject and +take his money from him, seemed to the Duke's mind +essentially low. He could have understood knocking a man +over the head with a fire shovel and taking his money, +but not borrowing it. + +So the Duke had come to America, where borrowing is +notoriously easy. Any member of the Mausoleum Club, for +instance, would borrow fifty cents to buy a cigar, or +fifty thousand dollars to buy a house, or five millions +to buy a railroad with complete indifference, and pay it +back, too, if he could, and think nothing of it. In fact, +ever so many of the Duke's friends were known to have +borrowed money in America with magical ease, pledging +for it their seats or their pictures, or one of their +daughters--anything. + +So the Duke knew it must be easy. And yet, incredible as +it may seem, he had spent four days in New York, entertained +everywhere, and made much of, and hadn't borrowed a cent. +He had been asked to lunch in a Riverside palace, and, +fool that he was, had come away without so much as a +dollar to show for it. He had been asked to a country +house on the Hudson, and, like an idiot--he admitted it +himself--hadn't asked his host for as much as his train +fare. He had been driven twice round Central Park in a +motor and had been taken tamely back to his hotel not a +dollar the richer. The thing was childish, and he knew +it. But to save his life the Duke didn't know how to +begin. None of the things that he was able to talk about +seemed to have the remotest connection with the subject +of money. The Duke was able to converse reasonably well +over such topics as the approaching downfall of England +(they had talked of it at Dulham Towers for sixty years), +or over the duty of England towards China, or the duty +of England to Persia, or its duty to aid the Young Turk +Movement, and its duty to check the Old Servia agitation. +The Duke became so interested in these topics and in +explaining that while he had never been a Little Englander +he had always been a Big Turk, and that he stood for a +Small Bulgaria and a Restricted Austria, that he got +further and further away from the topic of money, which +was what he really wanted to come to; and the Duke rose +from his conversations with a look of such obvious distress +on his face that everybody realized that his anxiety +about England was killing him. + +And then suddenly light had come. It was on his fourth +day in New York that he unexpectedly ran into the Viscount +Belstairs (they had been together as young men in Nigeria, +and as middle-aged men in St. Petersburg), and Belstairs, +who was in abundant spirits and who was returning to +England on the _Gloritania_ at noon the next day, explained +to the Duke that he had just borrowed fifty thousand +pounds, on security that wouldn't be worth a halfpenny +in England. + +And the Duke said with a sigh, "How the deuce do you do +it. Belstairs?" + +"Do what?" + +"Borrow it," said the Duke. "How do you manage to get +people to talk about it? Here I am wanting to borrow a +hundred thousand, and I'm hanged if I can even find an +opening." + +At which the Viscount had said, "Pooh, pooh! you don't +need any opening. Just borrow it straight out--ask for +it across a dinner table, just as you'd ask for a match; +they think nothing of it here." + +"Across the dinner table?" repeated the Duke, who was a +literal man. + +"Certainly," said the Viscount. "Not too soon, you know--say +after a second glass of wine. I assure you it's absolutely +nothing." + +And it was just at that moment that a telegram was handed +to the Duke from Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, praying him, as he +was reported to be visiting the next day the City where +the Mausoleum Club stands, to make acquaintance with him +by dining at that institution. + +And the Duke, being as I say a literal man, decided that +just as soon as Mr. Fyshe should give him a second glass +of wine, that second glass should cost Mr. Fyshe a hundred +thousand pounds sterling. + +And oddly enough, at about the same moment, Mr. Fyshe +was calculating that provided he could make the Duke +drink a second glass of the Mausoleum champagne, that +glass would cost the Duke about five million dollars. + + * * * * * * * + +So the very morning after that the Duke had arrived on +the New York express in the City; and being an ordinary, +democratic, commercial sort of place, absorbed in its +own affairs, it made no fuss over him whatever. The +morning edition of the _Plutopian Citizen_ simply said, +"We understand that the Duke of Dulham arrives at the +Grand Palaver this morning," after which it traced the +Duke's pedigree back to Jock of Ealing in the twelfth +century and let the matter go at that; and the noon +edition of the _People's Advocate_ merely wrote, "We learn +that Duke Dulham is in town. He is a relation of Jack +Ealing." But the _Commercial Echo and Financial Undertone_, +appearing at four o'clock, printed in its stock-market +columns the announcement: "We understand that the Duke +of Dulham, who arrives in town today, is proposing to +invest a large sum of money in American Industrials." + +And, of course, that announcement reached every member +of the Mausoleum Club within twenty minutes. + + * * * * * * * + +The Duke of Dulham entered the Mausoleum Club that evening +at exactly seven of the clock. He was a short, thick man +with a shaven face, red as a brick, and grizzled hair, +and from the look of him he could have got a job at sight +in any lumber camp in Wisconsin. He wore a dinner jacket, +just like an ordinary person, but even without his Norfolk +coat and his hobnailed boots there was something in the +way in which he walked up the long main hall of the +Mausoleum Club that every imported waiter in the place +recognized in an instant. + +The Duke cast his eye about the club and approved of it. +It seemed to him a modest, quiet place, very different +from the staring ostentation that one sees too often in +a German hof or an Italian palazzo. He liked it. + +Mr. Fyshe and Mr. Furlong were standing in a deep alcove +or bay where there was a fire and india-rubber trees and +pictures with shaded lights and a whiskey-and-soda table. +There the Duke joined them. Mr. Fyshe he had met already +that afternoon at the Palaver, and he called him "Fyshe" +as if he had known him forever; and indeed, after a few +minutes he called the rector of St. Asaph's simply +"Furlong," for he had been familiar with the Anglican +clergy in so many parts of the world that he knew that +to attribute any peculiar godliness to them, socially, +was the worst possible taste. + +"By Jove," said the Duke, turning to tap the leaf of a +rubber tree with his finger, "that fellow's a Nigerian, +isn't he?" + +"I hardly know," said Mr. Fyshe, "I imagine so"; and he +added, "You've been in Nigeria, Duke?" + +"Oh, some years ago," said the Duke, "after big game, +you know--fine place for it." + +"Did you get any?" asked Mr. Fyshe. + +"Not much," said the Duke; "a hippo or two." + +"Ah," said Mr. Fyshe. + +"And, of course, now and then a giro," the Duke went on, +and added, "My sister was luckier, though; she potted a +rhino one day, straight out of a doolie; I call that +rather good." + +Mr. Fyshe called it that too. + +"Ah, now here's a good thing," the Duke went on, looking +at a picture. He carried in his waistcoat pocket an +eyeglass that he used for pictures and for Tamworth hogs, +and he put it to his eye with one hand, keeping the other +in the left pocket of his jacket; "and this--this is a +very good thing." + +"I believe so," said Mr. Fyshe. + +"You really have some awfully good things here," continued +the Duke. He had seen far too many pictures in too many +places ever to speak of "values" or "compositions" or +anything of that sort. The Duke merely looked at a picture +and said, "Now here's a good thing," or "Ah! here now is +a very good thing," or, "I say, here's a really good +thing." + +No one could get past this sort of criticism. The Duke +had long since found it bullet-proof. + +"They showed me some rather good things in New York," he +went on, "but really the things you have here seem to be +awfully good things." + +Indeed, the Duke was truly pleased with the pictures, +for something in their composition, or else in the soft, +expensive light that shone on them, enabled him to see +in the distant background of each a hundred thousand +sterling. And that is a very beautiful picture indeed. + +"When you come to our side of the water, Fyshe," said +the Duke, "I must show you my Botticelli." + +Had Mr. Fyshe, who knew nothing of art, expressed his +real thought, he would have said, "Show me your which?" +But he only answered, "I shall be delighted to see it." + +In any case there was no time to say more, for at this +moment the portly figure and the great face of Dr. Boomer, +president of Plutoria University, loomed upon them. And +with him came a great burst of conversation that blew +all previous topics into fragments. He was introduced to +the Duke, and shook hands with Mr. Furlong, and talked +to both of them, and named the kind of cocktail that he +wanted, all in one breath, and in the very next he was +asking the Duke about the Babylonian hieroglyphic bricks +that his grandfather, the thirteenth Duke, had brought +home from the Euphrates, and which every archaeologist +knew were preserved in the Duke's library at Dulham +Towers. And though the Duke hadn't known about the bricks +himself, he assured Dr. Boomer that his grandfather had +collected some really good things, quite remarkable. + +And the Duke, having met a man who knew about his +grandfather, felt in his own element. In fact, he was so +delighted with Dr. Boomer and the Nigerian rubber tree +and the shaded pictures and the charm of the whole place +and the certainty that half a million dollars was easily +findable in it, that he put his eyeglass back in his +pocket and said. + +"A charming club you have here, really most charming." + +"Yes," said Mr. Fyshe, in a casual tone, "a comfortable +place, we like to think." + +But if he could have seen what was happening below in +the kitchens of the Mausoleum Club, Mr. Fyshe would have +realized that just then it was turning into a most +uncomfortable place. + +For the walking delegate with his hat on sideways, who +had haunted it all day, was busy now among the assembled +Chinese philosophers, writing down names and distributing +strikers' cards of the International Union and assuring +them that the "boys" of the Grand Palaver had all walked +out at seven, and that all the "boys" of the Commercial +and the Union and of every restaurant in town were out +an hour ago. + +And the philosophers were taking their cards and hanging +up their waiters' coats and putting on shabby jackets +and bowler hats, worn sideways, and changing themselves +by a wonderful transformation from respectable Chinese +to slouching loafers of the lowest type. + +But Mr. Fyshe, being in an alcove and not in the kitchens, +saw nothing of these things. Not even when the head +waiter, shaking with apprehension, appeared with cocktails +made by himself, in glasses that he himself had had to +wipe, did Mr. Fyshe, absorbed in the easy urbanity of +the Duke, notice that anything was amiss. + +Neither did his guests. For Dr. Boomer, having discovered +that the Duke had visited Nigeria, was asking him his +opinion of the famous Bimbaweh remains of the lower Niger. +The Duke confessed that he really hadn't noticed them, +and the Doctor assured him that Strabo had indubitably +mentioned them (he would show the Duke the very passage), +and that they apparently lay, if his memory served him, +about halfway between Oohat and Ohat; whether above Oohat +and below Ohat or above Ohat and below Oohat he would +not care to say for a certainty; for that the Duke must +wait till the president had time to consult his library. + +And the Duke was fascinated forthwith with the president's +knowledge of Nigerian geography, and explained that he +had once actually descended from below Timbuctoo to Oohat +in a doolie manned only by four swats. + +So presently, having drunk the cocktails, the party moved +solemnly in a body from the alcove towards the private +dining-room upstairs, still busily talking of the Bimbaweh +remains, and the swats, and whether the doolie was, or +was not, the original goatskin boat of the book of Genesis. + +And when they entered the private dining-room with its +snow-white table and cut glass and flowers (as arranged +by a retreating philosopher now heading towards the Gaiety +Theatre with his hat over his eyes), the Duke again +exclaimed, + +"Really, you have a most comfortable club--delightful." + +So they sat down to dinner, over which Mr. Furlong offered +up a grace as short as any that are known even to the +Anglican clergy. And the head waiter, now in deep +distress--for he had been sending out telephone messages +in vain to the Grand Palaver and the Continental, like +the captain of a sinking ship--served oysters that he had +opened himself and poured Rhine wine with a trembling +hand. For he knew that unless by magic a new chef and a +waiter or two could be got from the Palaver, all hope +was lost. + +But the guests still knew nothing of his fears. Dr. Boomer +was eating his oysters as a Nigerian hippo might eat up +the crew of a doolie, in great mouthfuls, and commenting +as he did so upon the luxuriousness of modern life. + +And in the pause that followed the oysters he illustrated +for the Duke with two pieces of bread the essential +difference in structure between the Mexican _pueblo_ and +the tribal house of the Navajos, and lest the Duke should +confound either or both of them with the adobe hut of +the Bimbaweh tribes he showed the difference at once with +a couple of olives. + +By this time, of course, the delay in the service was +getting noticeable. Mr. Fyshe was directing angry glances +towards the door, looking for the reappearance of the +waiter, and growling an apology to his guests. But the +president waved the apology aside. + +"In my college days," he said, "I should have considered +a plate of oysters an ample meal. I should have asked +for nothing more. We eat," he said, "too much." + +This, of course, started Mr. Fyshe on his favourite topic. +"Luxury!" he exclaimed, "I should think so! It is the +curse of the age. The appalling growth of luxury, the +piling up of money, the ease with which huge fortunes +are made" (Good! thought the Duke, here we are coming to +it), "these are the things that are going to ruin us. +Mark my words, the whole thing is bound to end in a +tremendous crash. I don't mind telling you, Duke-my +friends here, I am sure, know it already--that I am more +or less a revolutionary socialist. I am absolutely +convinced, sir, that our modern civilization will end in +a great social catastrophe. Mark what I say"--and here +Mr. Fyshe became exceedingly impressive--"a great social +catastrophe. Some of us may not live to see it, perhaps; +but you, for instance, Furlong, are a younger man; you +certainly will." + +But here Mr. Fyshe was understating the case. They were +all going to live to see it, right on the spot. + +For it was just at this moment, when Mr. Fyshe was talking +of the social catastrophe and explaining with flashing +eyes that it was bound to come, that it came; and when +it came it lit, of all places in the world, right there +in the private dining-room of the Mausoleum Club. + +For the gloomy head waiter re-entered and leaned over +the back of Mr. Fyshe's chair and whispered to him. + +"Eh? what?" said Mr. Fyshe. + +The head waiter, his features stricken with inward agony, +whispered again. + +"The infernal, damn scoundrels!" said Mr. Fyshe, starting +back in his chair. "On strike: in this club! It's an +outrage!" + +"I'm very sorry sir. I didn't like to tell you, sir. I'd +hoped I might have got help from the outside, but it +seems, sir, the hotels are all the same way." + +"Do you mean to say," said Mr. Fyshe, speaking very +slowly, "that there is no dinner?" + +"I'm sorry, sir," moaned the waiter. "It appears the chef +hadn't even cooked it. Beyond what's on the table, sir, +there's nothing." + +The social catastrophe had come. + +Mr. Fyshe sat silent with his fist clenched. Dr. Boomer, +with his great face transfixed, stared at the empty +oyster-shells, thinking perhaps of his college days. The +Duke, with his hundred thousand dashed from his lips in +the second cup of champagne that was never served, thought +of his politeness first and murmured something about +taking them to his hotel. + +But there is no need to follow the unhappy details of +the unended dinner. Mr. Fyshe's one idea was to be gone: +he was too true an artist to think that finance could be +carried on over the table-cloth of a second-rate restaurant, +or on an empty stomach in a deserted club. The thing must +be done over again; he must wait his time and begin anew. + +And so it came about that the little dinner party of Mr. +Lucullus Fyshe dissolved itself into its constituent +elements, like broken pieces of society in the great +cataclysm portrayed by Mr. Fyshe himself. + +The Duke was bowled home in a snorting motor to the +brilliant rotunda of the Grand Palaver, itself waiterless +and supperless. + +The rector of St. Asaph's wandered off home to his rectory, +musing upon the contents of its pantry. + +And Mr. Fyshe and the gigantic Doctor walked side by side +homewards along Plutoria Avenue, beneath the elm trees. +Nor had they gone any great distance before Dr. Boomer +fell to talking of the Duke. + +"A charming man," he said, "delightful. I feel extremely +sorry for him." + +"No worse off, I presume, than any of the rest of us," +growled Mr. Fyshe, who was feeling in the sourest of +democratic moods; "a man doesn't need to be a duke to +have a stomach." + +"Oh, pooh, pooh!" said the president, waving the topic +aside with his hand in the air; "I don't refer to that. +Oh, not at all. I was thinking of his financial position--an +ancient family like the Dulhams; it seems too bad +altogether." + +For, of course, to an archaeologist like Dr. Boomer an +intimate acquaintance with the pedigree and fortunes of +the greater ducal families from Jock of Ealing downwards +was nothing. It went without saying. As beside the +Neanderthal skull and the Bimbaweh ruins it didn't count. + +Mr. Fyshe stopped absolutely still in his tracks. "His +financial position?" he questioned, quick as a lynx. + +"Certainly," said Dr. Boomer; "I had taken it for granted +that you knew. The Dulham family are practically ruined. +The Duke, I imagine, is under the necessity of mortgaging +his estates; indeed, I should suppose he is here in +America to raise money." + +Mr. Fyshe was a man of lightning action. Any man accustomed +to the Stock Exchange learns to think quickly. + +"One moment!" he cried; "I see we are right at your door. +May I just run in and use your telephone? I want to call +up Boulder for a moment." + +Two minutes later Mr. Fyshe was saying into the telephone, +"Oh, is that you, Boulder? I was looking for you in vain +today--wanted you to meet the Duke of Dulham, who came in +quite unexpectedly from New York; felt sure you'd like +to meet him. Wanted you at the club for dinner, and now +it turns out that the club's all upset--waiters' strike +or some such rascality--and the Palaver, so I hear, is +in the same fix. Could you possibly--" + +Here Mr. Fyshe paused, listening a moment, and then went +on, "Yes, yes; an excellent idea--most kind of you. Pray +do send your motor to the hotel and give the Duke a bite +of dinner. No, I wouldn't join you, thanks. Most kind. +Good night--" + +And within a few minutes more the motor of Mr. Boulder +was rolling down from Plutoria Avenue to the Grand Palaver +Hotel. + +What passed between Mr. Boulder and the Duke that evening +is not known. That they must have proved congenial company +to one another there is no doubt. In fact, it would seem +that, dissimilar as they were in many ways, they found +a common bond of interest in sport. And it is quite likely +that Mr. Boulder may have mentioned that he had a +hunting-lodge--what the Duke would call a shooting-box--in +Wisconsin woods, and that it was made of logs, rough +cedar logs not squared, and that the timber wolves and +others which surrounded it were of a ferocity without +parallel. + +Those who know the Duke best could measure the effect of +that upon his temperament. + +At any rate, it is certain that Mr. Lucullus Fyshe at +his breakfast-table next morning chuckled with suppressed +joy to read in the _Plutopian Citizen_ the item: + +"We learn that the Duke of Dulham, who has been paying +a brief visit to the City, leaves this morning with Mr. +Asmodeus Boulder for the Wisconsin woods. We understand +that Mr. Boulder intends to show his guest, who is an +ardent sportsman, something of the American wolf." + + * * * * * * * + +And so the Duke went whirling westwards and northwards +with Mr. Boulder in the drawing-room end of a Pullman +car, that was all littered up with double-barrelled +express rifles and leather game bags and lynx catchers +and wolf traps and Heaven knows what. And the Duke had +on his very roughest sporting-suit, made, apparently, of +alligator hide; and as he sat there with a rifle across +his knees, while the train swept onwards through open +fields and broken woods, the real country at last, towards +the Wisconsin forest, there was such a light of genial +happiness in his face that had not been seen there since +he had been marooned in the mud jungles of Upper Burmah. + +And opposite, Mr. Boulder looked at him with fixed silent +eyes, and murmured from time to time some renewed +information of the ferocity of the timber-wolf. + +But of wolves other than the timber-wolf, and fiercer +still into whose hands the Duke might fall in America, +he spoke never a word. + +Nor is it known in the record what happened in Wisconsin, +and to the Mausoleum Club the Duke and his visit remained +only as a passing and a pleasant memory. + + + +CHAPTER TWO: The Wizard of Finance + +Down in the City itself, just below the residential street +where the Mausoleum Club is situated, there stands +overlooking Central Square the Grand Palaver Hotel. It +is, in truth, at no great distance from the club, not +half a minute in one's motor. In fact, one could almost +walk it. + +But in Central Square the quiet of Plutoria Avenue is +exchanged for another atmosphere. There are fountains +that splash unendingly and mingle their music with the +sound of the motor-horns and the clatter of the cabs. +There are real trees and little green benches, with people +reading yesterday's newspaper, and grass cut into plots +among the asphalt. There is at one end a statue of the +first governor of the state, life-size, cut in stone; +and at the other a statue of the last, ever so much larger +than life, cast in bronze. And all the people who pass +by pause and look at this statue and point at it with +walking-sticks, because it is of extraordinary interest; +in fact, it is an example of the new electro-chemical +process of casting by which you can cast a state governor +any size you like, no matter what you start from. Those +who know about such things explain what an interesting +contrast the two statues are; for in the case of the +governor of a hundred years ago one had to start from +plain, rough material and work patiently for years to +get the effect, whereas now the material doesn't matter +at all, and with any sort of scrap, treated in the gas +furnace under tremendous pressure, one may make a figure +of colossal size like the one in Central Square. + +So naturally Central Square with its trees and its +fountains and its statues is one of the places of chief +interest in the City. But especially because there stands +along one side of it the vast pile of the Grand Palaver +Hotel. It rises fifteen stories high and fills all one +side of the square. It has, overlooking the trees in the +square, twelve hundred rooms with three thousand windows, +and it would have held all George Washington's army. Even +people in other cities who have never seen it know it +well from its advertising; "the most homelike hotel in +America," so it is labelled in all the magazines, the +expensive ones, on the continent. In fact, the aim of +the company that owns the Grand Palaver--and they do not +attempt to conceal it--is to make the place as much a +home as possible. Therein lies its charm. It is a home. +You realize that when you look up at the Grand Palaver +from the square at night when the twelve hundred guests +have turned on the lights of the three thousand windows. +You realize it at theatre time when the great string of +motors come sweeping to the doors of the Palaver, to +carry the twelve hundred guests to twelve hundred seats +in the theatres at four dollars a seat. But most of all +do you appreciate the character of the Grand Palaver when +you step into its rotunda. Aladdin's enchanted palace +was nothing to it. It has a vast ceiling with a hundred +glittering lights, and within it night and day is a +surging crowd that is never still and a babel of voices +that is never hushed, and over all there hangs an enchanted +cloud of thin blue tobacco smoke such as might enshroud +the conjured vision of a magician of Baghdad or Damascus. + +In and through the rotunda there are palm trees to rest +the eye and rubber trees in boxes to soothe the mind, +and there are great leather lounges and deep armchairs, +and here and there huge brass ash-bowls as big as Etruscan +tear-jugs. Along one side is a counter with grated wickets +like a bank, and behind it are five clerks with flattened +hair and tall collars, dressed in long black frock-coats +all day like members of a legislature. They have great +books in front of them in which they study unceasingly, +and at their lightest thought they strike a bell with +the open palm of their hand, and at the sound of it a +page boy in a monkey suit, with G.P. stamped all over +him in brass, bounds to the desk and off again, shouting +a call into the unheeding crowd vociferously. The sound +of it fills for a moment the great space of the rotunda; +it echoes down the corridors to the side; it floats, +softly melodious, through the palm trees of the ladies' +palm room; it is heard, fainter and fainter, in the +distant grill; and in the depths of the barber shop below +the level of the street the barber arrests a moment-the +drowsy hum of his shampoo brushes to catch the sound--as +might a miner in the sunken galleries of a coastal mine +cease in his toil a moment to hear the distant murmur of +the sea. + +And the clerks call for the pages, the pages call for +the guests, and the guests call for the porters, the +bells clang, the elevators rattle, till home itself was +never half so homelike. + + * * * * * * * + +"A call for Mr. Tomlinson! A call for Mr. Tomlinson!" + +So went the sound, echoing through the rotunda. + +And as the page boy found him and handed him on a salver +a telegram to read, the eyes of the crowd about him turned +for a moment to look upon the figure of Tomlinson, the +Wizard of Finance. + +There he stood in his wide-awake hat and his long black +coat, his shoulders slightly bent with his fifty-eight +years. Anyone who had known him in the olden days on his +bush farm beside Tomlinson's Creek in the country of the +Great Lakes would have recognized him in a moment. There +was still on his face that strange, puzzled look that it +habitually wore, only now, of course, the financial papers +were calling it "unfathomable." There was a certain way +in which his eye roved to and fro inquiringly that might +have looked like perplexity, were it not that the _Financial +Undertone_ had recognized it as the "searching look of a +captain of industry." One might have thought that for +all the goodness in it there was something simple in his +face, were it not that the _Commercial and Pictorial Review_ +had called the face "inscrutable," and had proved it so +with an illustration that left no doubt of the matter. +Indeed, the face of Tomlinson of Tomlinson's Creek, now +Tomlinson the Wizard of Finance, was not commonly spoken +of as a _face_ by the paragraphers of the Saturday magazine +sections, but was more usually referred to as a mask; +and it would appear that Napoleon the First had had one +also. The Saturday editors were never tired of describing +the strange, impressive personality of Tomlinson, the +great dominating character of the newest and highest +finance. From the moment when the interim prospectus of +the Erie Auriferous Consolidated had broken like a tidal +wave over Stock Exchange circles, the picture of Tomlinson, +the sleeping shareholder of uncomputed millions, had +filled the imagination of every dreamer in a nation of +poets. + +They all described him. And when each had finished he +began again. + +"The face," so wrote the editor of the "Our Own Men" +section of _Ourselves Monthly_, "is that of a typical +American captain of finance, hard, yet with a certain +softness, broad but with a certain length, ductile but +not without its own firmness." + +"The mouth," so wrote the editor of the "Success" column +of _Brains_, "is strong but pliable, the jaw firm and yet +movable, while there is something in the set of the ear +that suggests the swift, eager mind of the born leader +of men." + +So from state to state ran the portrait of Tomlinson of +Tomlinson's Creek, drawn by people who had never seen +him; so did it reach out and cross the ocean, till the +French journals inserted a picture which they used for +such occasions, and called it _Monsieur Tomlinson, nouveau +capitaine de la haute finance en Amerique_; and the German +weeklies, inserting also a suitable picture from their +stock, marked it _Herr Tomlinson, Amerikanischer Industrie +und Finanzcapitan_. Thus did Tomlinson float from +Tomlinson's Creek beside Lake Erie to the very banks of +the Danube and the Drave. + +Some writers grew lyric about him. What visions, they +asked, could one but read them, must lie behind the quiet, +dreaming eyes of that inscrutable face? + +They might have read them easily enough, had they but +had the key. Anyone who looked upon Tomlinson as he stood +there in the roar and clatter of the great rotunda of +the Grand Palaver with the telegram in his hand, fumbling +at the wrong end to open it, might have read the visions +of the master-mind had he but known their nature. They +were simple enough. For the visions in the mind of +Tomlinson, Wizard of Finance, were for the most part +those of a wind-swept hillside farm beside Lake Erie, +where Tomlinson's Creek runs down to the low edge of the +lake, and where the off-shore wind ripples the rushes of +the shallow water: that, and the vision of a frame house, +and the snake fences of the fourth concession road where +it falls to the lakeside. And if the eyes of the man are +dreamy and abstracted, it is because there lies over the +vision of this vanished farm an infinite regret, greater +in its compass than all the shares the Erie Auriferous +Consolidated has ever thrown upon the market. + + * * * * * * * + +When Tomlinson had opened the telegram he stood with it +for a moment in his hand, looking the boy full in the +face. His look had in it that peculiar far-away quality +that the newspapers were calling "Napoleonic abstraction." +In reality he was wondering whether to give the boy +twenty-five cents or fifty. + +The message that he had just read was worded, "Morning +quotations show preferred A. G. falling rapidly recommend +instant sale no confidence send instructions." + +The Wizard of Finance took from his pocket a pencil (it +was a carpenter's pencil) and wrote across the face of +the message: "Buy me quite a bit more of the same yours +truly." + +This he gave to the boy. "Take it over to him," he said, +pointing to the telegraph corner of the rotunda. Then +after another pause he mumbled, "Here, sonny," and gave +the boy a dollar. + +With that he turned to walk towards the elevator, and +all the people about him who had watched the signing of +the message knew that some big financial deal was going +through--a _coup_, in fact, they called it. + +The elevator took the Wizard to the second floor. As he +went up he felt in his pocket and gripped a quarter, then +changed his mind and felt for a fifty-cent piece, and +finally gave them both to the elevator boy, after which +he walked along the corridor till he reached the corner +suite of rooms, a palace in itself, for which he was +paying a thousand dollars a month ever since the Erie +Auriferous Consolidated Company had begun tearing up the +bed of Tomlinson's Creek in Cahoga County with its +hydraulic dredges. + +"Well, mother," he said as he entered. + +There was a woman seated near the window, a woman with +a plain, homely face such as they wear in the farm kitchens +of Cahoga County, and a set of fashionable clothes upon +her such as they sell to the ladies of Plutoria Avenue. + +This was "mother," the wife of the Wizard of Finance and +eight years younger than himself. And she, too, was in +the papers and the public eye; and whatsoever the shops +had fresh from Paris, at fabulous prices, that they sold +to mother. They had put a Balkan hat upon her with an +upright feather, and they had hung gold chains on her, +and everything that was most expensive they had hung and +tied on mother. You might see her emerging any morning +from the Grand Palaver in her beetle-back jacket and her +Balkan hat, a figure of infinite pathos. And whatever +she wore, the lady editors of _Spring Notes_ and _Causerie +du Boudoir_ wrote it out in French, and one paper had +called her a _belle chatelaine_, and another had spoken of +her as a grande dame, which the Tomlinsons thought must +be a misprint. + +But in any case, for Tomlinson, the Wizard of Finance, +it was a great relief to have as his wife a woman like +mother, because he knew that she had taught school in +Cahoga County and could hold her own in the city with +any of them. + +So mother spent her time sitting in her beetle jacket in +the thousand-dollar suite, reading new novels in brilliant +paper covers. And the Wizard on his trips up and down to +the rotunda brought her the very best, the ones that cost +a dollar fifty, because he knew that out home she had +only been able to read books like Nathaniel Hawthorne +and Walter Scott, that were only worth ten cents. + + * * * * * * * + +"How's Fred?" said the Wizard, laying aside his hat, and +looking towards the closed door of an inner room. "Is he +better?" + +"Some," said mother. "He's dressed, but he's lying down." + +Fred was the son of the Wizard and mother. In the inner +room he lay on a sofa, a great hulking boy of seventeen +in a flowered dressing-gown, fancying himself ill. There +was a packet of cigarettes and a box of chocolates on a +chair beside him, and he had the blind drawn and his eyes +half-closed to impress himself. + +Yet this was the same boy that less than a year ago on +Tomlinson's Creek had worn a rough store suit and set +his sturdy shoulders to the buck-saw. At present Fortune +was busy taking from him the golden gifts which the +fairies of Cahoga County, Lake Erie, had laid in his +cradle seventeen years ago. + +The Wizard tip-toed into the inner room, and from the +open door his listening wife could hear the voice of the +boy saying, in a tone as of one distraught with suffering. + +"Is there any more of that jelly?" + +"Could he have any, do you suppose?" asked Tomlinson +coming back. + +"It's all right," said mother, "if it will sit on his +stomach." For this, in the dietetics of Cahoga County, +is the sole test. All those things can be eaten which +will sit on the stomach. Anything that won't sit there +is not eatable. + +"Do you suppose I could get them to get any?" questioned +Tomlinson. "Would it be all right to telephone down to +the office, or do you think it would be better to ring?" + +"Perhaps," said his wife, "it would be better to look +out into the hall and see if there isn't someone round +that would tell them." + +This was the kind of problem with which Tomlinson and +his wife, in their thousand-dollar suite in the Grand +Palaver, grappled all day. And when presently a tall +waiter in dress-clothes appeared, and said, "Jelly? Yes, +sir, immediately, sir; would you like, sir, Maraschino, +sir, or Portovino, sir?" Tomlinson gazed at him gloomily, +wondering if he would take five dollars. + +"What does the doctor say is wrong with Fred?" asked +Tomlinson, when the waiter had gone. + +"He don't just say," said mother; "he said he must keep +very quiet. He looked in this morning for a minute or +two, and he said he'd look in later in the day again. +But he said to keep Fred very quiet." + +Exactly! In other words Fred had pretty much the same +complaint as the rest of Dr. Slyder's patients on Plutoria +Avenue, and was to be treated in the same way. Dr. Slyder, +who was the most fashionable practitioner in the City, +spent his entire time moving to and fro in an almost +noiseless motor earnestly advising people to keep quiet. +"You must keep very quiet for a little while," he would +say with a sigh, as he sat beside a sick-bed. As he drew +on his gloves in the hall below he would shake his head +very impressively and say, "You must keep him very quiet," +and so pass out, quite soundlessly. By this means Dr. +Slyder often succeeded in keeping people quiet for weeks. +It was all the medicine that he knew. But it was enough. +And as his patients always got well--there being nothing +wrong with them--his reputation was immense. + +Very naturally the Wizard and his wife were impressed +with him. They had never seen such therapeutics in Cahoga +County, where the practice of medicine is carried on with +forceps, pumps, squirts, splints, and other instruments +of violence. + +The waiter had hardly gone when a boy appeared at the +door. This time he presented to Tomlinson not one telegram +but a little bundle of them. + +The Wizard read them with a lengthening face. The first +ran something like this, "Congratulate you on your daring +market turned instantly"; and the next, "Your opinion +justified market rose have sold at 20 points profit"; +and a third, "Your forecast entirely correct C. P. rose +at once send further instructions." + +These and similar messages were from brokers' offices, +and all of them were in the same tone; one told him that +C. P. was up, and another T. G. P. had passed 129, and +another that T. C. R. R. had risen ten--all of which +things were imputed to the wonderful sagacity of Tomlinson. +Whereas if they had told him that X. Y. Z. had risen to +the moon he would have been just as wise as to what it +meant. + +"Well," said the wife of the Wizard as her husband finished +looking through the reports, "how are things this morning? +Are they any better?" + +"No," said Tomlinson, and he sighed as he said it; "this +is the worst day yet. It's just been a shower of telegrams, +and mostly all the same. I can't do the figuring of it +like you can, but I reckon I must have made another +hundred thousand dollars since yesterday." + +"You don't say so!" said mother, and they looked at one +another gloomily. + +"And half a million last week, wasn't it?" said Tomlinson +as he sank into a chair. "I'm afraid, mother," he continued, +"it's no good. We don't know how. We weren't brought up +to it." + +All of which meant that if the editor of the _Monetary +Afternoon_ or _Financial Sunday_ had been able to know what +was happening with the two wizards, he could have written +up a news story calculated to electrify all America. + +For the truth was that Tomlinson, the Wizard of Finance, +was attempting to carry out a _coup_ greater than any as +yet attributed to him by the Press. He was trying to lose +his money. That, in the sickness of his soul, crushed by +the Grand Palaver, overwhelmed with the burden of high +finance, had become his aim, to be done with it, to get +rid of his whole fortune. + +But if you own a fortune that is computed anywhere from +fifty millions up, with no limit at the top, if you own +one-half of all the preferred stock of an Erie Auriferous +Consolidated that is digging gold in hydraulic bucketfuls +from a quarter of a mile of river bed, the task of losing +it is no easy matter. + +There are men, no doubt, versed in finance, who might +succeed in doing it. But they have a training that +Tomlinson lacked. Invest it as he would in the worst +securities that offered, the most rickety of stock, the +most fraudulent bonds, back it came to him. When he threw +a handful away, back came two in its place. And at every +new coup the crowd applauded the incomparable daring, +the unparalleled prescience of the Wizard. + +Like the touch of Midas, his hand turned everything to +gold. + +"Mother," he repeated, "it's no use. It's like this here +Destiny, as the books call it." + + * * * * * * * + +The great fortune that Tomlinson, the Wizard of Finance, +was trying his best to lose had come to him with wonderful +suddenness. As yet it was hardly six months old. As to +how it had originated, there were all sorts of stories +afloat in the weekly illustrated press. They agreed mostly +on the general basis that Tomlinson had made his vast +fortune by his own indomitable pluck and dogged industry. +Some said that he had been at one time a mere farm hand +who, by sheer doggedness, had fought his way from the +hay-mow to the control of the produce market of seventeen +states. Others had it that he had been a lumberjack who, +by sheer doggedness, had got possession of the whole +lumber forest of the Lake district. Others said that he +had been a miner in a Lake Superior copper mine who had, +by the doggedness of his character, got a practical +monopoly of the copper supply. These Saturday articles, +at any rate, made the Saturday reader rigid with sympathetic +doggedness himself, which was all that the editor (who +was doggedly trying to make the paper pay) wanted to +effect. + +But in reality the making of Tomlinson's fortune was very +simple. The recipe for it is open to anyone. It is only +necessary to own a hillside farm beside Lake Erie where +the uncleared bush and the broken fields go straggling +down to the lake, and to have running through it a creek, +such as that called Tomlinson's, brawling among the stones +and willows, and to discover in the bed of a creek--a +gold mine. + +That is all. + +Nor is it necessary in these well-ordered days to discover +the gold for one's self. One might have lived a lifetime +on the farm, as Tomlinson's father had, and never discover +it for one's self. For that indeed the best medium of +destiny is a geologist, let us say the senior professor +of geology at Plutoria University. That was how it +happened. + +The senior professor, so it chanced, was spending his +vacation near by on the shores of the lake, and his time +was mostly passed--for how better can a man spend a month +of pleasure?--in looking for outcroppings of Devonian rock +of the post-tertiary period. For which purpose he carried +a vacation hammer in his pocket, and made from time to +time a note or two as he went along, or filled his pockets +with the chippings of vacation rocks. + +So it chanced that he came to Tomlinson's Creek at the +very point where a great slab of Devonian rock bursts +through the clay of the bank. When the senior professor +of geology saw it and noticed a stripe like a mark on a +tiger's back--a fault he called it--that ran over the face +of the block, he was at it in an instant, beating off +fragments with his little hammer. + +Tomlinson and his boy Fred were logging in the underbrush +near by with a long chain and yoke of oxen, but the +geologist was so excited that he did not see them till +the sound of his eager hammer had brought them to his +side. They took him up to the frame house in the clearing, +where the chatelaine was hoeing a potato patch with a +man's hat on her head, and they gave him buttermilk and +soda cakes, but his hand shook so that he could hardly +eat them. + +The geologist left Cahoga station that night for the City +with a newspaper full of specimens inside his suit-case, +and he knew that if any person or persons would put up +money enough to tear that block of rock away and follow +the fissure down, there would be found there something +to astonish humanity, geologists and all. + + * * * * * * * + +After that point in the launching of a gold mine the rest +is easy. Generous, warm-hearted men, interested in geology, +were soon found. There was no stint of money. The great +rock was torn sideways from its place, and from beneath +it the crumbled, glittering rock-dust that sparkled in +the sun was sent in little boxes to the testing laboratories +of Plutoria University. There the senior professor of +geology had sat up with it far into the night in a darkened +laboratory, with little blue flames playing underneath +crucibles, as in a magician's cavern, and with the door +locked. And as each sample that he tested was set aside +and tied in a cardboard box by itself, he labelled it +"aur. p. 75," and the pen shook in his hand as he marked +it. For to professors of geology those symbols mean "this +is seventy-five per cent pure gold." So it was no wonder +that the senior professor of geology working far into +the night among the blue flames shook with excitement; +not, of course, for the gold's sake as money (he had no +time to think of that), but because if this thing was +true it meant that an auriferous vein had been found in +what was Devonian rock of the post-tertiary stratification, +and if that was so it upset enough geology to spoil a +textbook. It would mean that the professor could read a +paper at the next Pan-Geological Conference that would +turn the whole assembly into a bedlam. + +It pleased him, too, to know that the men he was dealing +with were generous. They had asked him to name his own +price or the tests that he made and when he had said two +dollars per sample they had told him to go right ahead. +The professor was not, I suppose, a mercenary man, but +it pleased him to think that he could, clean up sixteen +dollars in a single evening in his laboratory. It showed, +at any rate, that businessmen put science at its proper +value. Strangest of all was the fact that the men had +told him that even this ore was apparently nothing to +what there was; it had all come out of one single spot +in the creek, not the hundredth part of the whole claim. +Lower down, where they had thrown the big dam across to +make the bed dry, they were taking out this same stuff +and even better, so they said, in cartloads. The hydraulic +dredges were tearing it from the bed of the creek all +day, and at night a great circuit of arc lights gleamed +and sputtered over the roaring labour of the friends of +geological research. + +Thus had the Erie Auriferous Consolidated broken in a +tidal wave over financial circles. On the Stock Exchange, +in the downtown offices, and among the palm trees of the +Mausoleum Club they talked of nothing else. And so great +was the power of the wave that it washed Tomlinson and +his wife along on the crest of it, and landed them fifty +feet up in their thousand-dollar suite in the Grand +Palaver. And as a result of it "mother" wore a beetle-back +jacket; and Tomlinson received a hundred telegrams a day, +and Fred quit school and ate chocolates. + +But in the business world the most amazing thing about +it was the wonderful shrewdness of Tomlinson. + +The first sign of it had been that he had utterly refused +to allow the Erie Auriferous Consolidated (as the friends +of geology called themselves) to take over the top half +of the Tomlinson farm. For the bottom part he let them +give him one-half of the preferred stock in the company +in return for their supply of development capital. This +was their own proposition; in fact, they reckoned that +in doing this they were trading about two hundred thousand +dollars' worth of machinery for, say ten million dollars +of gold. But it frightened them when Tomlinson said "Yes" +to the offer, and when he said that as to common stock +they might keep it, it was no use to him, they were +alarmed and uneasy till they made him take a block of it +for the sake of market confidence. + +But the top end of the farm he refused to surrender, and +the friends of applied geology knew that there must be +something pretty large behind this refusal; the more so +as the reason that Tomlinson gave was such a simple one. +He said that he didn't want to part with the top end of +the place because his father was buried on it beside the +creek, and so he didn't want the dam higher up, not for +any consideration. + +This was regarded in business circles as a piece of great +shrewdness. "Says his father is buried there, eh? Devilish +shrewd that!" + +It was so long since any of the members of the Exchange +or the Mausoleum Club had wandered into such places as +Cahoga County that they did not know that there was +nothing strange in what Tomlinson said. His father was +buried there, on the farm itself, in a grave overgrown +with raspberry bushes, and with a wooden headstone +encompassed by a square of cedar rails, and slept as many +another pioneer of Cahoga is sleeping. + +"Devilish smart idea!" they said; and forthwith half the +financial men of the city buried their fathers, or +professed to have done so, in likely places--along the +prospective right-of-way of a suburban railway, for +example; in fact, in any place that marked them out for +the joyous resurrection of an expropriation purchase. + +Thus the astounding shrewdness of Tomlinson rapidly became +a legend, the more so as he turned everything he touched +to gold. + +They narrated little stories of him in the whiskey-and-soda +corners of the Mausoleum Club. + +"I put it to him in a casual way," related, for example, +Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, "casually, but quite frankly. I said, +'See here, this is just a bagatelle to you, no doubt, +but to me it might be of some use. T. C. bonds,' I said, +'have risen twenty-two and a half in a week. You know as +well as I do that they are only collateral trust, and +that the stock underneath never could and never can earn +a par dividend. Now,' I said, 'Mr. Tomlinson, tell me what +all that means?' Would you believe it, the fellow looked +me right in the face in that queer way he has and he +said, 'I don't know!'" + +"He said he didn't know!" repeated the listener, in a +tone of amazement and respect. "By Jove! eh? he said he +didn't know! The man's a wizard!" + +"And he looked as if he didn't!" went on Mr. Fyshe. +"That's the deuce of it. That man when he wants to can +put on a look, sir, that simply means nothing, absolutely +nothing." + +In this way Tomlinson had earned his name of the Wizard +of American Finance. + +And meantime Tomlinson and his wife, within their suite +at the Grand Palaver, had long since reached their +decision. For there was one aspect and only one in which +Tomlinson was really and truly a wizard. He saw clearly +that for himself and his wife the vast fortune that had +fallen to them was of no manner of use. What did it bring +them? The noise and roar of the City in place of the +silence of the farm and the racket of the great rotunda +to drown the remembered murmur of the waters of the creek. + +So Tomlinson had decided to rid himself of his new wealth, +save only such as might be needed to make his son a +different kind of man from himself. + +"For Fred, of course," he said, "it's different. But out +of such a lot as that it'll be easy to keep enough for +him. It'll be a grand thing for Fred, this money. He +won't have to grow up like you and me. He'll have +opportunities we never got." He was getting them already. +The opportunity to wear seven dollar patent leather shoes +and a bell-shaped overcoat with a silk collar, to lounge +into moving-picture shows and eat chocolates and smoke +cigarettes--all these opportunities he was gathering +immediately. Presently, when he learned his way round a +little, he would get still bigger ones. + +"He's improving fast," said mother. She was thinking of +his patent leather shoes. + +"He's popular," said his father. "I notice it downstairs. +He sasses any of them just as he likes; and no matter +how busy they are, as soon as they see it's Fred they're +all ready to have a laugh with him." + +Certainly they were, as any hotel clerk with plastered +hair is ready to laugh with the son of a multimillionaire. +It's a certain sense of humour that they develop. + +"But for us, mother," said the Wizard, "we'll be rid of +it. The gold is there. It's not right to keep it back. +But we'll just find a way to pass it on to folks that +need it worse than we do." + +For a time they had thought of giving away the fortune. +But how? Who did they know that would take it? + +It had crossed their minds--for who could live in the +City a month without observing the imposing buildings of +Plutoria University, as fine as any departmental store +in town?--that they might give it to the college. + +But there, it seemed, the way was blocked. + +"You see, mother," said the puzzled Wizard, "we're not +known. We're strangers. I'd look fine going up there to +the college and saying, 'I want to give you people a +million dollars.' They'd laugh at me!" + +"But don't one read it in the papers," his wife had +protested, "where Mr. Carnegie gives ever so much to the +colleges, more than all we've got, and they take it?" + +"That's different," said the Wizard. "He's in with them. +They all know him. Why, he's a sort of chairman of +different boards of colleges, and he knows all the heads +of the schools, and the professors, so it's no wonder +that if he offers to give a pension, or anything, they +take it. Just think of me going up to one of the professors +up there in the middle of his teaching and saying; 'I'd +like to give you a pension for life!' Imagine it! Think +what he'd say!" + +But the Tomlinsons couldn't imagine it, which was just +as well. + +So it came about that they had embarked on their system. +Mother, who knew most arithmetic, was the leading spirit. +She tracked out all the stocks and bonds in the front +page of the _Financial Undertone_, and on her recommendation +the Wizard bought. They knew the stocks only by their +letters, but this itself gave a touch of high finance to +their deliberations. + +"I'd buy some of this R.O.P. if I was you," said mother; +"it's gone down from 127 to 107 in two days, and I reckon +it'll be all gone in ten days or so." + +"Wouldn't 'G.G. deb.' be better? It goes down quicker." + +"Well, it's a quick one," she assented, "but it don't go +down so steady. You can't rely on it. You take ones like +R.O.P. and T.R.R. pfd.; they go down all the time and +you know where you are." + +As a result of which, Tomlinson would send his instructions. +He did it all from the rotunda in a way of his own that +he had evolved with a telegraph clerk who told him the +names of brokers, and he dealt thus through brokers whom +he never saw. As a result of this, the sluggish R.O.P. +and T.R.R. would take as sudden a leap into the air as +might a mule with a galvanic shock applied to its tail. +At once the word was whispered that the "Tomlinson +interests" were after the R.O.P. to reorganize it, and +the whole floor of the Exchange scrambled for the stock. + +And so it was that after a month or two of these operations +the Wizard of Finance saw himself beaten. + +"It's no good, mother," he repeated, "it's just a kind +of Destiny." + +Destiny perhaps it was. + +But, if the Wizard of Finance had known it, at this very +moment when he sat with the Aladdin's palace of his golden +fortune reared so strangely about him, Destiny was +preparing for him still stranger things. + +Destiny, so it would seem, was devising Its own ways and +means of dealing with Tomlinson's fortune. As one of the +ways and means, Destiny was sending at this moment as +its special emissaries two huge, portly figures, wearing +gigantic goloshes, and striding downwards from the halls +of Plutoria University to the Grand Palaver Hotel. And +one of these was the gigantic Dr. Boomer, the president +of the college, and the other was his professor of Greek, +almost as gigantic as himself. And they carried in their +capacious pockets bundles of pamphlets on "Archaeological +Remains of Mitylene," and the "Use of the Greek Pluperfect," +and little treatises such as "Education and Philanthropy," +by Dr. Boomer, and "The Excavation of Mitylene: An +Estimate of Cost," by Dr. Boyster, "Boomer on the Foundation +and Maintenance of Chairs," etc. + +Many a man in city finance who had seen Dr. Boomer enter +his office with a bundle of these monographs and a fighting +glitter in his eyes had sunk back in his chair in dismay. +For it meant that Dr. Boomer had tracked him out for a +benefaction to the University, and that all resistance +was hopeless. + +When Dr. Boomer once laid upon a capitalist's desk his +famous pamphlet on the "Use of the Greek Pluperfect," it +was as if an Arabian sultan had sent the fatal bow-string +to a condemned pasha, or Morgan the buccaneer had served +the death-sign on a shuddering pirate. + +So they came nearer and nearer, shouldering the passers-by. +The sound of them as they talked was like the roaring of +the sea as Homer heard it. Never did Castor and Pollux +come surging into battle as Dr. Boomer and Dr. Boyster +bore down upon the Grand Palaver Hotel. + +Tomlinson, the Wizard of Finance, had hesitated about +going to the university. The university was coming to +him. As for those millions of his, he could take his +choice--dormitories, apparatus, campuses, buildings, +endowment, anything he liked but choose he must. And if +he feared that, after all, his fortune was too vast even +for such a disposal, Dr. Boomer would show him how he +might use it in digging up ancient Mitylene, or modern +Smyrna, or the lost cities of the Plain of Pactolus. If +the size of the fortune troubled him, Dr. Boomer would +dig him up the whole African Sahara from Alexandria to +Morocco, and ask for more. + +But if Destiny held all this for Tomlinson in its +outstretched palm before it, it concealed stranger things +still beneath the folds of its toga. + +There were enough surprises there to turn the faces of +the whole directorate of the Erie Auriferous Consolidated +as yellow as the gold they mined. + +For at this very moment, while the president of Plutoria +University drew nearer and nearer to the Grand Palaver +Hotel, the senior professor of geology was working again +beside the blue flames in his darkened laboratory. And +this time there was no shaking excitement over him. Nor +were the labels that he marked, as sample followed sample +in the tests, the same as those of the previous marking. +Not by any means. + +And his grave face as he worked in silence was as still +as the stones of the post-tertiary period. + + + +CHAPTER THREE: The Arrested Philanthropy of Mr. Tomlinson + +"This, Mr. Tomlinson, is our campus," said President +Boomer as they passed through the iron gates of Plutoria +University. + +"For camping?" said the Wizard. + +"Not exactly," answered the president, "though it would, +of course, suit for that. _Nihil humunum alienum_, eh?" +and he broke into a loud, explosive laugh, while his +spectacles irradiated that peculiar form of glee derived +from a Latin quotation by those able to enjoy it. Dr. +Boyster, walking on the other side of Mr. Tomlinson, +joined in the laugh in a deep, reverberating chorus. + +The two had the Wizard of Finance between them, and they +were marching him up to the University. He was taken +along much as is an arrested man who has promised to go +quietly. They kept their hands off him, but they watched +him sideways through their spectacles. At the least sign +of restlessness they doused him with Latin. The Wizard +of Finance, having been marked out by Dr. Boomer and Dr. +Boyster as a prospective benefactor, was having Latin +poured over him to reduce him to the proper degree of +plasticity. + +They had already put him through the first stage. They +had, three days ago, called on him at the Grand Palaver +and served him with a pamphlet on "The Excavation of +Mitylene" as a sort of writ. Tomlinson and his wife had +looked at the pictures of the ruins, and from the appearance +of them they judged that Mitylene was in Mexico, and they +said that it was a shame to see it in that state and that +the United States ought to intervene. + +As the second stage on the path of philanthropy, the +Wizard of Finance was now being taken to look at the +university. Dr. Boomer knew by experience that no rich +man could look at it without wanting to give it money. + +And here the president had found that there is no better +method of dealing with businessmen than to use Latin on +them. For other purposes the president used other things. +For example at a friendly dinner at the Mausoleum Club +where light conversation was in order, Dr. Boomer chatted, +as has been seen, on the archaeological remains of the +Navajos. In the same way, at Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's Dante +luncheons, he generally talked of the Italian _cinquecentisti_ +and whether Gian Gobbo della Scala had left a greater +name than Can Grande della Spiggiola. But such talk as +that was naturally only for women. Businessmen are much +too shrewd for that kind of thing; in fact, so shrewd +are they, as President Boomer had long since discovered, +that nothing pleases them so much as the quiet, firm +assumption that they know Latin. It is like writing them +up an asset. So it was that Dr. Boomer would greet a +business acquaintance with a roaring salutation of, +"_Terque quaterque beatus_," or stand wringing his hand +off to the tune of "_Oh et presidium et dulce decus meum_." + +This caught them every time. + +"You don't," said Tomlinson the Wizard in a hesitating +tone as he looked at the smooth grass of the campus, "I +suppose, raise anything on it?" + +"No, no; this is only for field sports," said the president; +"_sunt quos curriculo_--" + +To which Dr. Boyster on the other side added, like a +chorus, "_pulverem Olympicum_." + +This was their favourite quotation. It always gave +President Boomer a chance to speak of the final letter +"m" in Latin poetry, and to say that in his opinion the +so-called elision of the final "m" was more properly a +dropping of the vowel with a repercussion of the two last +consonants. He supported this by quoting Ammianus, at +which Dr. Boyster exclaimed, "Pooh! Ammianus: more dog +Latin!" and appealed to Mr. Tomlinson as to whether any +rational man nowadays cared what Ammianus thought? + +To all of which Tomlinson answered never a word, but +looked steadily first at one and then at the other. Dr. +Boomer said afterwards that the penetration of Tomlinson +was wonderful, and that it was excellent to see how +Boyster tried in vain to draw him; and Boyster said +afterwards that the way in which Tomlinson quietly refused +to be led on by Boomer was delicious, and that it was a +pity that Aristophanes was not there to do it justice. + +All of which was happening as they went in at the iron +gates and up the elm avenue of Plutoria University. + +The university, as everyone knows, stands with its great +gates on Plutoria Avenue, and with its largest buildings, +those of the faculties of industrial and mechanical +science, fronting full upon the street. + +These buildings are exceptionally fine, standing fifteen +stories high and comparing favourably with the best +departmental stores or factories in the City. Indeed, +after nightfall, when they are all lighted up for the +evening technical classes and when their testing machinery +is in full swing and there are students going in and out +in overall suits, people have often mistaken the university, +or this newer part of it, for a factory. A foreign visitor +once said that the students looked like plumbers, and +President Boomer was so proud of it that he put the phrase +into his next Commencement address; and from there the +newspapers got it and the Associated Press took it up +and sent it all over the United States with the heading, +"Have Appearance of Plumbers; Plutoria University +Congratulated on Character of Students," and it was a +proud day indeed for the heads of the Industrial Science +faculty. + +But the older part of the university stands so quietly +and modestly at the top end of the elm avenue, so hidden +by the leaves of it, that no one could mistake it for a +factory. This, indeed, was once the whole university, +and had stood there since colonial days under the name +Concordia College. It had been filled with generations +of presidents and professors of the older type with long +white beards and rusty black clothes, and salaries of +fifteen hundred dollars. + +But the change both of name and of character from Concordia +College to Plutoria University was the work of President +Boomer. He had changed it from an old-fashioned college +of the by-gone type to a university in the true modern +sense. At Plutoria they now taught everything. Concordia +College, for example, had no teaching of religion except +lectures on the Bible. Now they had lectures also on +Confucianism, Mohammedanism Buddhism, with an optional +course on atheism for students in the final year. + +And, of course, they had long since admitted women, and +there were now beautiful creatures with Cleo de Merode +hair studying astronomy at oaken desks and looking up at +the teacher with eyes like comets. The university taught +everything and did everything. It had whirling machines +on the top of it that measured the speed of the wind, +and deep in its basements it measured earthquakes with +a seismograph; it held classes on forestry and dentistry +and palmistry; it sent life classes into the slums, and +death classes to the city morgue. It offered such a vast +variety of themes, topics and subjects to the students, +that there was nothing that a student was compelled to +learn, while from its own presses in its own press-building +it sent out a shower of bulletins and monographs like +driven snow from a rotary plough. + +In fact, it had become, as President Boomer told all the +businessmen in town, not merely a university, but a +_universitas_ in the true sense, and every one of its +faculties was now a _facultas_ in the real acceptance of +the word, and its studies properly and truly _studia_; +indeed, if the businessmen would only build a few more +dormitories and put up enough money to form an adequate +_fondatum_ or _fundum_, then the good work might be looked +upon as complete. + +As the three walked up the elm avenue there met them a +little stream of students with college books, and female +students with winged-victory hats, and professors with +last year's overcoats. And some went past with a smile +and others with a shiver. + +"That's Professor Withers," said the president in a +sympathetic voice as one of the shivering figures went +past; "poor Withers," and he sighed. + +"What's wrong with him?" said the Wizard; "is he sick?" + +"No, not sick," said the president quietly and sadly, +"merely inefficient." + +"Inefficient?" + +"Unfortunately so. Mind you, I don't mean 'inefficient' +in every sense. By no means. If anyone were to come to +me and say, 'Boomer, can you put your hand for me on a +first-class botanist?' I'd say, 'Take Withers.' I'd say +it in a minute." This was true. He would have. In fact, +if anyone had made this kind of rash speech, Dr. Boomer +would have given away half the professoriate. + +"Well, what's wrong with him?" repeated Tomlinson, "I +suppose he ain't quite up to the mark in some ways, eh?" + +"Precisely," said the president, "not quite up to the +mark--a very happy way of putting it. _Capax imperii nisi +imperasset_, as no doubt you are thinking to yourself. +The fact is that Withers, though an excellent fellow, +can't manage large classes. With small classes he is all +right, but with large classes the man is lost. He can't +handle them." + +"He can't, eh?" said the Wizard. + +"No. But what can I do? There he is. I can't dismiss him. +I can't pension him. I've no money for it." + +Here the president slackened a little in his walk and +looked sideways at the prospective benefactor. But +Tomlinson gave no sign. + +A second professorial figure passed them on the other +side. + +"There again," said the president, "that's another case +of inefficiency--Professor Shottat, our senior professor +of English." + +"What's wrong with _him_?" asked the Wizard. + +"He can't handle _small_ classes," said the president. +"With large classes he is really excellent, but with +small ones the man is simply hopeless." + +In this fashion, before Mr. Tomlinson had measured the +length of the avenue, he had had ample opportunity to +judge of the crying need of money at Plutoria University, +and of the perplexity of its president. He was shown +professors who could handle the first year, but were +powerless with the second; others who were all right with +the second but broke down with the third, while others +could handle the third but collapsed with the fourth. +There were professors who were all right in their own +subject, but perfectly impossible outside of it; others +who were so occupied outside of their own subject that +they were useless inside of it; others who knew their +subject, but couldn't lecture; and others again who +lectured admirably, but didn't know their subject. + +In short it was clear--as it was meant to be--that the +need of the moment was a sum of money sufficient to enable +the president to dismiss everybody but himself and Dr. +Boyster. The latter stood in a class all by himself. He +had known the president for forty-five years, ever since +he was a fat little boy with spectacles in a classical +academy, stuffing himself on irregular Greek verbs as +readily as if on oysters. + +But it soon appeared that the need for dismissing the +professors was only part of the trouble. There were the +buildings to consider. + +"This, I am ashamed to say," said Dr. Boomer, as they +passed the imitation Greek portico of the old Concordia +College building, "is our original home, the _fons et +origo_ of our studies, our faculty of arts." + +It was indeed a dilapidated building, yet there was a +certain majesty about it, too, especially when one +reflected that it had been standing there looking much +the same at the time when its students had trooped off +in a flock to join the army of the Potomac, and much the +same, indeed, three generations before that, when the +classes were closed and the students clapped three-cornered +hats on their heads and were off to enlist as minute men +with flintlock muskets under General Washington. + +But Dr. Boomer's one idea was to knock the building down +and to build on its site a real _facultas_ ten storeys +high, with elevators in it. + +Tomlinson looked about him humbly as he stood in the main +hall. The atmosphere of the place awed him. There were +bulletins and time-tables and notices stuck on the walls +that gave evidence of the activity of the place. "Professor +Slithers will be unable to meet his classes today," ran +one of them, and another "Professor Withers will not meet +his classes this week," and another, "Owing to illness, +Professor Shottat will not lecture this month," while +still another announced, "Owing to the indisposition of +Professor Podge, all botanical classes are suspended, +but Professor Podge hopes to be able to join in the +Botanical Picnic Excursion to Loon Lake on Saturday +afternoon." You could judge of the grinding routine of +the work from the nature of these notices. Anyone familiar +with the work of colleges would not heed it, but it +shocked Tomlinson to think how often the professors of +the college were stricken down by overwork. + +Here and there in the hall, set into niches, were bronze +busts of men with Roman faces and bare necks, and the +edge of a toga cast over each shoulder. + +"Who would these be?" asked Tomlinson, pointing at them. +"Some of the chief founders and benefactors of the +faculty," answered the president, and at this the hopes +of Tomlinson sank in his heart. For he realized the class +of man one had to belong to in order to be accepted as +a university benefactor. + +"A splendid group of men, are they not?" said the president. +"We owe them much. This is the late Mr. Hogworth, a man +of singularly large heart." Here he pointed to a bronze +figure wearing a wreath of laurel and inscribed GULIEMUS +HOGWORTH, LITT. DOC. "He had made a great fortune in the +produce business and wishing to mark his gratitude to +the community he erected the anemometer, the wind-measure, +on the roof of the building, attaching to it no other +condition than that his name should be printed in the +weekly reports immediately beside the velocity of the +wind. The figure beside him is the late Mr. Underbugg, +who founded our lectures on the Four Gospels on the sole +stipulation that henceforth any reference of ours to the +four gospels should be coupled with his name." + +"What's that after his name?" asked Tomlinson. + +"Litt. Doc.?" said the president. "Doctor of Letters, +our honorary degree. We are always happy to grant it to +our benefactors by a vote of the faculty." + +Here Dr. Boomer and Dr. Boyster wheeled half round and +looked quietly and steadily at the Wizard of Finance. To +both their minds it was perfectly plain that an honourable +bargain was being struck. + +"Yes, Mr. Tomlinson," said the president, as they emerged +from the building, "no doubt you begin to realize our +unhappy position. Money, money, money," he repeated +half-musingly. "If I had the money I'd have that whole +building down and dismantled in a fortnight." + +From the central building the three passed to the museum +building, where Tomlinson was shown a vast skeleton of +a Diplodocus Maximus, and was specially warned not to +confuse it with the Dinosaurus Perfectus, whose bones, +however, could be bought if anyone, any man of large +heart; would come to the university and say straight out, +"Gentlemen, what can I do for you?" Better still, it +appeared the whole museum which was hopelessly antiquated, +being twenty-five years old, could be entirely knocked +down if a sufficient sum was forthcoming; and its curator, +who was as ancient as the Dinosaurus itself, could be +dismissed on half-pay if any man had a heart large enough +for the dismissal. + +From the museum they passed to the library, where there +were full-length portraits of more founders and benefactors +in long red robes, holding scrolls of paper, and others +sitting holding pens and writing on parchment, with a +Greek temple and a thunderstorm in the background. + +And here again it appeared that the crying need of the +moment was for someone to come to the university and say, +"Gentlemen, what can I do for you?" On which the whole +library, for it was twenty years old and out of date, +might be blown up with dynamite and carted away. + +But at all this the hopes of Tomlinson sank lower and +lower. The red robes and the scrolls were too much for +him. + +From the library they passed to the tall buildings that +housed the faculty of industrial and mechanical science. +And here again the same pitiful lack of money was everywhere +apparent. For example, in the physical science department +there was a mass of apparatus for which the university +was unable to afford suitable premises, and in the +chemical department there were vast premises for which +the university was unable to buy apparatus, and so on. +Indeed it was part of Dr. Boomer's method to get himself +endowed first with premises too big for the apparatus, +and then by appealing to public spirit to call for enough +apparatus to more than fill the premises, by means of +which system industrial science at Plutoria University +advanced with increasing and gigantic strides. + +But most of all, the electric department interested the +Wizard of Finance. And this time his voice lost its +hesitating tone and he looked straight at Dr. Boomer as +he began, + +"I have a boy--" + +"Ah!" said Dr. Boomer, with a huge ejaculation of surprise +and relief; "you have a boy!" + +There were volumes in his tone. What it meant was, "Now, +indeed, we have got you where we want you," and he +exchanged a meaning look with the professor of Greek. + +Within five minutes the president and Tomlinson and Dr. +Boyster were gravely discussing on what terms and in what +way Fred might be admitted to study in the faculty of +industrial science. The president, on learning that Fred +had put in four years in Cahoga County Section No. 3 +School, and had been head of his class in ciphering, +nodded his head gravely and said it would simply be a +matter of a _pro tanto_; that, in fact, he felt sure that +Fred might be admitted _ad eundem_. But the real condition +on which they meant to admit him was, of course, not +mentioned. + +One door only in the faculty of industrial and mechanical +science they did not pass, a heavy oak door at the end +of a corridor bearing the painted inscription: Geological +and Metallurgical Laboratories. Stuck in the door was a +card with the words (they were conceived in the courteous +phrases of mechanical science, which is almost a branch +of business in the real sense): Busy--keep out. + +Dr. Boomer looked at the card. "Ah, yes," he said. "Gildas +is no doubt busy with his tests. We won't disturb him." +The president was always proud to find a professor busy; +it looked well. + +But if Dr. Boomer had known what was going on behind the +oaken door of the Department of Geology and Metallurgy, +he would have felt considerably disturbed himself. + +For here again Gildas, senior professor of geology, was +working among his blue flames at a final test on which +depended the fate of the Erie Auriferous Consolidated +and all connected with it. + +Before him there were some twenty or thirty packets of +crumpled dust and splintered ore that glittered on the +testing-table. It had been taken up from the creek along +its whole length, at even spaces twenty yards apart, by +an expert sent down in haste by the directorate, after +Gildas's second report, and heavily bribed to keep his +mouth shut. + +And as Professor Gildas stood and worked at the samples +and tied them up after analysis in little white cardboard +boxes, he marked each one very carefully and neatly with +the words, PYRITES: WORTHLESS. + +Beside the professor worked a young demonstrator of last +year's graduation class. It was he, in fact, who had +written the polite notice on the card. + +"What is the stuff, anyway?" he asked. + +"A sulphuret of iron," said the professor, "or iron +pyrites. In colour and appearance it is practically +identical with gold. Indeed, in all ages," he went on, +dropping at once into the classroom tone and adopting +the professional habit of jumping backwards twenty +centuries in order to explain anything properly, "it has +been readily mistaken for the precious metal. The ancients +called it 'fool's gold.' Martin Frobisher brought back +four shiploads of it from Baffin Land thinking that he +had discovered an Eldorado. There are large deposits of +it in the mines of Cornwall, and it is just possible," +here the professor measured his words as if speaking of +something that he wouldn't promise, "that the Cassiterides +of the Phoenicians contained deposits of the same sulphuret. +Indeed, I defy anyone," he continued, for he was piqued +in his scientific pride, "to distinguish it from gold +without a laboratory-test. In large quantities, I concede, +its lack of weight would betray it to a trained hand. +but without testing its solubility in nitric acid, or +the fact of its burning with a blue flame under the +blow-pipe, it cannot be detected. In short, when +crystallized in dodecahedrons--" + +"Is it any good?" broke in the demonstrator. + +"Good?" said the professor. "Oh, you mean commercially? +Not in the slightest. Much less valuable than, let us +say, ordinary mud or clay. In fact, it is absolutely good +for nothing." + +They were silent for a moment, watching the blue flames +above the brazier. + +Then Gildas spoke again. "Oddly enough," he said, "the +first set of samples were undoubtedly pure gold--not the +faintest doubt of that. That is the really interesting +part of the matter. These gentlemen concerned in the +enterprise will, of course, lose their money, and I shall +therefore decline to accept the very handsome fee which +they had offered me for my services. But the main feature, +the real point of interest in this matter remains. Here +we have undoubtedly a sporadic deposit--what miners call +a pocket--of pure gold in a Devonian formation of the +post-tertiary period. This once established, we must +revise our entire theory of the distribution of igneous +and aqueous rocks. In fact, I am already getting notes +together for a paper for the Pan-Geological under the +heading, Auriferous Excretions in the Devonian Strata: +a Working Hypothesis. I hope to read it at the next +meeting." + +The young demonstrator looked at the professor with one +eye half-closed. + +"I don't think I would if I were you." he said. + +Now this young demonstrator knew nothing or practically +nothing, of geology, because he came of one of the richest +and best families in town and didn't need to. But he was +a smart young man, dressed in the latest fashion with +brown boots and a crosswise tie, and he knew more about +money and business and the stock exchange in five minutes +than Professor Gildas in his whole existence. + +"Why not?" said the professor. + +"Why, don't you see what's happened?" + +"Eh?" said Gildas. + +"What happened to those first samples? When that bunch +got interested and planned to float the company? Don't +you see? Somebody salted them on you." + +"_Salted_ them on me?" repeated the professor, mystified. + +"Yes, salted them. Somebody got wise to what they were +and swopped them on you for the real thing, so as to get +your certified report that the stuff was gold." + +"I begin to see," muttered the professor. "Somebody +exchanged the samples, some person no doubt desirous of +establishing the theory that a sporadic outcropping of +the sort might be found in a post-tertiary formation. I +see, I see. No doubt he intended to prepare a paper on +it, and prove his thesis by these tests. I see it all!" + +The demonstrator looked at the professor with a sort of +pity. + +"You're on!" he said, and he laughed softly to himself. + + * * * * * * * + +"Well," said Dr. Boomer, after Tomlinson had left the +university, "what do you make of him?" The president had +taken Dr. Boyster over to his house beside the campus, +and there in his study had given him a cigar as big as +a rope and taken another himself. This was a sign that +Dr. Boomer wanted Dr. Boyster's opinion in plain English, +without any Latin about it. + +"Remarkable man," said the professor of Greek; "wonderful +penetration, and a man of very few words. Of course his +game is clear enough?" + +"Entirely so," asserted Dr. Boomer. + +"It's clear enough that he means to give the money on +two conditions." + +"Exactly," said the president. + +"First that we admit his son, who is quite unqualified, +to the senior studies in electrical science, and second +that we grant him the degree of Doctor of Letters. Those +are his terms." "Can we meet them?" + +"Oh, certainly. As to the son, there is no difficulty, +of course; as to the degree, it's only a question of +getting the faculty to vote it. I think we can manage +it." + + * * * * * * * + +Vote it they did that very afternoon. True, if the members +of the faculty had known the things that were being +whispered, and more than whispered, in the City about +Tomlinson and his fortune, no degree would ever have been +conferred on him. But it so happened that at that moment +the whole professoriate was absorbed in one of those +great educational crises which from time to time shake +a university to its base. The meeting of the faculty that +day bid fair to lose all vestige of decorum in the +excitement of the moment. For, as Dean Elderberry Foible, +the head of the faculty, said, the motion that they had +before them amounted practically to a revolution. The +proposal was nothing less than the permission of the use +of lead-pencils instead of pen and ink in the sessional +examinations of the university. Anyone conversant with +the inner life of a college will realize that to many of +the professoriate this was nothing less than a last wild +onslaught of socialistic democracy against the solid +bulwarks of society. They must fight it back or die on +the walls. To others it was one more step in the splendid +progress of democratic education, comparable only to such +epoch-making things as the abandonment of the cap and +gown, and the omission of the word "sir" in speaking to +a professor. + +No wonder that the fight raged. Elderberry Foible, his +fluffed white hair almost on end, beat in vain with his +gavel for order. Finally, Chang of Physiology, who was +a perfect dynamo of energy and was known frequently to +work for three or four hours at a stretch, proposed that +the faculty should adjourn the question and meet for its +further discussion on the following Saturday morning. +This revolutionary suggestion, involving work on Saturday, +reduced the meeting to a mere turmoil, in the midst of +which Elderberry Foible proposed that the whole question +of the use of lead-pencils should be adjourned till that +day six months, and that meantime a new special committee +of seventeen professors, with power to add to their +number, to call witnesses and, if need be, to hear them, +should report on the entire matter _de novo_. This motion, +after the striking out of the words _de novo_ and the +insertion of _ab initio_, was finally carried, after which +the faculty sank back completely exhausted into its chair, +the need of afternoon tea and toast stamped on every +face. + +And it was at this moment that President Boomer, who +understood faculties as few men have done, quietly entered +the room, laid his silk hat on a volume of Demosthenes, +and proposed the vote of a degree of Doctor of Letters +for Edward Tomlinson. He said that there was no need to +remind the faculty of Tomlinson's services to the nation; +they knew them. Of the members of the faculty, indeed, +some thought that he meant the Tomlinson who wrote the +famous monologue on the Iota Subscript, while others +supposed that he referred to the celebrated philosopher +Tomlinson, whose new book on the Indivisibility of the +Inseparable was just then maddening the entire world. In +any case, they voted the degree without a word, still +faint with exhaustion. + + * * * * * * * + +But while the university was conferring on Tomlinson the +degree of Doctor of Letters, all over the City in business +circles they were conferring on him far other titles. +"Idiot," "Scoundrel," "Swindler," were the least of them. +Every stock and share with which his name was known to +be connected was coming down with a run, wiping out the +accumulated profits of the Wizard at the rate of a thousand +dollars a minute. + +They not only questioned his honesty, but they went +further and questioned his business capacity. + +"The man," said Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, sitting in the +Mausoleum Club and breathing freely at last after having +disposed of all his holdings in the Erie Auriferous, "is +an ignoramus. I asked him only the other day, quite +casually, a perfectly simple business question. I said +to him. 'T.C. Bonds have risen twenty-two and a half in +a week. You know and I know that they are only collateral +trust, and that the stock underneath never could and +never would earn a par dividend. Now,' I said, for I +wanted to test the fellow, 'tell me what that means?' +Would you believe me, he looked me right in the face in +that stupid way of his, and he said, 'I don't know!'" + +"He said he didn't know!" repeated the listener +contemptuously; "the man is a damn fool!" + + * * * * * * * + +The reason of all this was that the results of the +researches of the professor of geology were being whispered +among the directorate of the Erie Auriferous. And the +directors and chief shareholders were busily performing +the interesting process called unloading. Nor did ever +a farmer of Cahoga County in haying time with a thunderstorm +threatening, unload with greater rapidity than did the +major shareholders of the Auriferous. Mr. Lucullus Fyshe +traded off a quarter of his stock to an unwary member of +the Mausoleum Club at a drop of thirty per cent, and +being too prudent to hold the rest on any terms, he +conveyed it at once as a benefaction in trust to the +Plutorian Orphans' and Foundlings' Home; while the +purchaser of Mr. Fyshe's stock, learning too late of his +folly, rushed for his lawyers to have the shares conveyed +as a gift to the Home for Incurables. + +Mr. Asmodeus Boulder transferred his entire holdings to +the Imbeciles' Relief Society, and Mr. Furlong, senior, +passed his over to a Chinese mission as fast as pen could +traverse paper. + +Down at the office of Skinyer and Beatem, the lawyers of +the company, they were working overtime drawing up deeds +and conveyances and trusts in perpetuity, with hardly +time to put them into typewriting. Within twenty-four +hours the entire stock of the company bid fair to be in +the hands of Idiots, Orphans, Protestants, Foundlings, +Imbeciles, Missionaries, Chinese, and other unfinancial +people, with Tomlinson the Wizard of Finance as the senior +shareholder and majority control. And whether the gentle +Wizard, as he sat with mother planning his vast benefaction +to Plutoria University, would have felt more at home with +his new group of fellow-shareholders than his old, it +were hard to say. + +But, meantime, at the office of Skinyer and Beatem all +was activity. For not only were they drafting the +conveyances of the perpetual trusts as fast as legal +brains working overtime could do it, but in another part +of the office a section of the firm were busily making +their preparations against the expected actions for fraud +and warrants of distraint and injunctions against disposal +of assets and the whole battery of artillery which might +open on them at any moment. And they worked like a corps +of military engineers fortifying an escarpment, with the +joy of battle in their faces. + +The storm might break at any moment. Already at the office +of the _Financial Undertone_ the type was set for a special +extra with a heading three inches high: + + COLLAPSE + OF THE ERIE CONSOLIDATED + ARREST OF THE MAN TOMLINSON + EXPECTED THIS AFTERNOON + +Skinyer and Beatem had paid the editor, who was crooked, +two thousand dollars cash to hold back that extra for +twenty-four hours; and the editor had paid the reporting +staff, who were crooked, twenty-five dollars each to keep +the news quiet, and the compositors, who were also crooked, +ten dollars per man to hold their mouths shut till the +morning, with the result that from editors and sub-editors +and reporters and compositors the news went seething +forth in a flood that the Erie Auriferous Consolidated +was going to shatter into fragments like the bursting of +a dynamite bomb. It rushed with a thousand whispering +tongues from street to street till it filled the corridors +of the law courts and the lobbies of the offices, and +till every honest man that held a share of the stock +shivered in his tracks and reached out to give, sell, or +destroy it. Only the unwinking Idiots, and the mild +Orphans, and the calm Deaf mutes and the impassive Chinese +held tight to what they had. So gathered the storm, till +all the town, like the great rotunda of the Grand Palaver, +was filled with a silent "call for Mr. Tomlinson," +voiceless and ominous. + +And while all this was happening, and while at Skinyer +and Beatem's they worked with frantic pens and clattering +type there came a knock at the door, hesitant and uncertain, +and before the eyes of the astounded office there stood +in his wide-awake hat and long black coat the figure of +"the man Tomlinson" himself. + +And Skinyer, the senior partner, no sooner heard what +Tomlinson wanted than he dashed across the outer office +to his partner's room with his hyena face all excitement +as he said: + +"Beatem, Beatem, come over to my room. This man is +absolutely the biggest thing in America. For sheer calmness +and nerve I never heard of anything to approach him. What +do you think he wants to do?" + +"What?" said Beatem. + +"Why, he's giving his entire fortune to the university." + +"By Gad!" ejaculated Beatem, and the two lawyers looked +at one another, lost in admiration of the marvellous +genius and assurance of Tomlinson. + + * * * * * * * + +Yet what had happened was very simple. + +Tomlinson had come back from the university filled with +mingled hope and hesitation. The university, he saw, +needed the money and he hoped to give it his entire +fortune, to put Dr. Boomer in a position to practically +destroy the whole place. But, like many a modest man, he +lacked the assurance to speak out. He felt that up to +the present the benefactors of the university had been +men of an entirely different class from himself. It was +mother who solved the situation for him. + +"Well, father," she said, "there's one thing I've learned +already since we've had money. If you want to get a thing +done you can always find people to do it for you if you +pay them. Why not go to those lawyers that manage things +for the company and get them to arrange it all for you +with the college?" + +As a result, Tomlinson had turned up at the door of the +Skinyer and Beatem office. + + * * * * * * * + +"Quite so, Mr. Tomlinson," said Skinyer, with his pen +already dipped in the ink, "a perfectly simple matter. +I can draw up a draft of conveyance with a few strokes +of the pen. In fact, we can do it on the spot." + +What he meant was, "In fact, we can do it so fast that +I can pocket a fee of five hundred dollars right here +and now while you have the money to pay me." + +"Now then," he continued, "let us see how it is to run." + +"Well," said Tomlinson, "I want you to put it that I give +all my stock in the company to the university." + +"All of it?" said Skinyer, with a quiet smile to Beatem. + +"Every cent of it, sir," said Tomlinson; "just write down +that I give all of it to the college." + +"Very good," said Skinyer, and he began to write, "I, +so-and-so, and so-and-so, of the county of so-and-so-- +Cahoga, I think you said, Mr. Tomlinson?" + +"Yes, sir," said the Wizard, "I was raised there." + +"--do hereby give, assign, devise, transfer, and the +transfer is hereby given, devised and assigned, all those +stocks, shares, hereditaments, etc., which I hold in the +etc., etc., all, several and whatever--you will observe, +Mr. Tomlinson, I am expressing myself with as great +brevity as possible--to that institution, academy, college, +school, university, now known and reputed to be Plutoria +University, of the city of etc., etc." + +He paused a moment. "Now what special objects or purposes +shall I indicate?" he asked. + +Whereupon Tomlinson explained as best he could, and +Skinyer, working with great rapidity, indicated that the +benefaction was to include a Demolition Fund for the +removal of buildings, a Retirement Fund for the removal +of professors, an Apparatus Fund for the destruction of +apparatus, and a General Sinking Fund for the obliteration +of anything not otherwise mentioned. + +"And I'd like to do something, if I could, for Mr. Boomer +himself, just as man to man," said Tomlinson. + +"All right," said Beatem, and he could hardly keep his +face straight. "Give him a chunk of the stock--give him +half a million." + +"I will," said Tomlinson; "he deserves it." + +"Undoubtedly," said Mr. Skinyer. + +And within a few minutes the whole transaction was done, +and Tomlinson, filled with joy, was wringing the hands +of Skinyer and Beatem, and telling them to name their +own fee. + +They had meant to, anyway. + + * * * * * * * + +"Is that legal, do you suppose?" said Beatem to Skinyer, +after the Wizard had gone. "Will it hold water?" + +"Oh, I don't think so," said Skinyer, "not for a minute. +In fact, rather the other way. If they make an arrest +for fraudulent flotation, this conveyance, I should think, +would help to send him to the penitentiary. But I very +much doubt if they can arrest him. Mind you, the fellow +is devilish shrewd. You know, and I know that he planned +this whole flotation with a full knowledge of the fraud. +_You_ and _I_ know it--very good--but we know it more from +our trained instinct in such things than by any proof. +The fellow has managed to surround himself with such an +air of good faith from start to finish that it will be +deuced hard to get at him." + +"What will he do now?" said Beatem. + +"I tell you what he'll do. Mark my words. Within twenty-four +hours he'll clear out and be out of the state, and if +they want to get him they'll have to extradite. I tell +you he's a man of extraordinary capacity. The rest of us +are nowhere beside him." + +In which, perhaps, there was some truth. + + * * * * * * * + +"Well, mother," said the Wizard, when he reached the +thousand-dollar suite, after his interview with Skinyer +and Beatem, his face irradiated with simple joy, "it's +done. I've put the college now in a position it never +was in before, nor any other college; the lawyers say so +themselves." + +"That's good," said mother. + +"Yes, and it's a good thing I didn't lose the money when +I tried to. You see, mother, what I hadn't realized was +the good that could be done with all that money if a man +put his heart into it. They can start in as soon as they +like and tear down those buildings. My! but it's just +wonderful what you can do with money. I'm glad I didn't +lose it!" + +So they talked far into the evening. That night they +slept in an Aladdin's palace filled with golden fancies. + +And in the morning the palace and all its visions fell +tumbling about their heads in sudden and awful catastrophe. +For with Tomlinson's first descent to the rotunda it +broke. The whole great space seemed filled with the +bulletins and the broadside sheets of the morning papers, +the crowd surging to and fro buying the papers, men +reading them as they stood, and everywhere in great +letters there met his eye: + + COLLAPSE + OF THE ERIE AURIFEROUS + + THE GREAT GOLD SWINDLE + + ARREST OF THE MAN TOMLINSON + EXPECTED THIS MORNING + +So stood the Wizard of Finance beside a pillar, the paper +fluttering in his hand, his eyes fixed, while about him +a thousand eager eyes and rushing tongues sent shame into +his stricken heart. + +And there his boy Fred, sent from upstairs, found him; +and at the sight of the seething crowd and his father's +stricken face, aged as it seemed all in a moment, the +boy's soul woke within him. What had happened he could +not tell, only that his father stood there, dazed, beaten, +and staring at him on every side in giant letters: + + ARREST OF THE MAN TOMLINSON + +"Come, father come upstairs," he said, and took him by +the arm, dragging him through the crowd. + +In the next half-hour as they sat and waited for the +arrest in the false grandeur of the thousand-dollar +suite-Tomlinson, his wife, and Fred-the boy learnt more +than all the teaching of the industrial faculty of Plutoria +University could have taught him in a decade. Adversity +laid its hand upon him, and at its touch his adolescent +heart turned to finer stuff than the salted gold of the +Erie Auriferous. As he looked upon his father's broken +figure waiting meekly for arrest, and his mother's +blubbered face, a great wrath burned itself into his +soul. + +"When the sheriff comes--" said Tomlinson, and his lip +trembled as he spoke. He had no other picture of arrest +than that. + +"They can't arrest you, father," broke out the boy. +"You've done nothing. You never swindled them. I tell +you, if they try to arrest you, I'll--" and his voice +broke and stopped upon a sob, and his hands clenched in +passion. + +"You stay here, you and mother. I'll go down. Give me +your money and I'll go and pay them and we'll get out of +this and go home. They can't stop us; there's nothing to +arrest you for." + +Nor was there. Fred paid the bill unmolested, save for +the prying eyes and babbling tongues of the rotunda. + +And a few hours from that, while the town was still +ringing with news of his downfall, the Wizard with his +wife and son walked down from their thousand-dollar suite +into the corridor, their hands burdened with their +satchels. A waiter, with something between a sneer and +an obsequious smile upon his face, reached out for the +valises, wondering if it was still worth while. + +"You get to hell out of that!" said Fred. He had put on +again his rough store suit in which he had come from +Cahoga County, and there was a dangerous look about his +big shoulders and his set jaw. And the waiter slunk back. + +So did they pass, unarrested and unhindered, through +corridor and rotunda to the outer portals of the great +hotel. + +Beside the door of the Palaver as they passed out was a +tall official with a uniform and a round hat. He was +called by the authorities a _chasseur_ or a _commissionaire_, +or some foreign name to mean that he did nothing. + +At the sight of him the Wizard's face flushed for a +moment, with a look of his old perplexity. + +"I wonder," he began to murmur, "how much I ought--" + +"Not a damn cent, father," said Fred, as he shouldered +past the magnificent _chasseur_; "let him work." + +With which admirable doctrine the Wizard and his son +passed from the portals of the Grand Palaver. + + * * * * * * * + +Nor was there any arrest either then or later. In spite +of the expectations of the rotunda and the announcements +of the _Financial Undertone_, the "man Tomlinson" was _not_ +arrested, neither as he left the Grand Palaver nor as he +stood waiting at the railroad station with Fred and mother +for the outgoing train for Cahoga County. + +There was nothing to arrest him for. That was not the +least strange part of the career of the Wizard of Finance. +For when all the affairs of the Erie Auriferous Consolidated +were presently calculated up by the labours of Skinyer +and Beatem and the legal representatives of the Orphans +and the Idiots and the Deaf-mutes they resolved themselves +into the most beautiful and complete cipher conceivable. +The salted gold about paid for the cost of the incorporation +certificate: the development capital had disappeared, +and those who lost most preferred to say the least about +it; and as for Tomlinson, if one added up his gains on +the stock market before the fall and subtracted his bill +at the Grand Palaver and the thousand dollars which he +gave to Skinyer and Beatem to recover his freehold on +the lower half of his farm, and the cost of three tickets +to Cahoga station, the debit and credit account balanced +to a hair. + +Thus did the whole fortune of Tomlinson vanish in a night, +even as the golden palace seen in the mirage of a desert +sunset may fade before the eyes of the beholder, and +leave no trace behind. + + * * * * * * * + +It was some months after the collapse of the Erie Auriferous +that the university conferred upon Tomlinson the degree +of Doctor of Letters _in absentia_. A university must keep +its word, and Dean Elderberry Foible, who was honesty +itself, had stubbornly maintained that a vote of the +faculty of arts once taken and written in the minute book +became as irrefragable as the Devonian rock itself. + +So the degree was conferred. And Dean Elderberry Foible, +standing in a long red gown before Dr. Boomer, seated in +a long blue gown, read out after the ancient custom of +the college the Latin statement of the award of the degree +of Doctor of Letters, "Eduardus Tomlinsonius, vir +clarrisimus, doctissimus, praestissimus," and a great +many other things all ending in _issimus_. + +But the recipient was not there to receive. He stood at +that moment with his boy Fred on a windy hillside beside +Lake Erie, where Tomlinson's Creek ran again untrammelled +to the lake. Nor was the scene altered to the eye, for +Tomlinson and his son had long since broken a hole in +the dam with pickaxe and crowbar, and day by day the +angry water carried down the vestiges of the embankment +till all were gone. The cedar poles of the electric lights +had been cut into fence-rails; the wooden shanties of +the Italian gang of Auriferous workers had been torn down +and split into fire wood; and where they had stood, the +burdocks and the thistles of the luxuriant summer conspired +to hide the traces of their shame. Nature reached out +its hand and drew its coverlet of green over the grave +of the vanished Eldorado. + +And as the Wizard and his son stood upon the hillside, +they saw nothing but the land sloping to the lake and +the creek murmuring again to the willows, while the +off-shore wind rippled the rushes of the shallow water. + + + +CHAPTER FOUR: The Yahi-Bahi Oriental Society of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown + +Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown lived on Plutoria Avenue in a vast +sandstone palace, in which she held those fashionable +entertainments which have made the name of Rasselyer-Brown +what it is. Mr. Rasselyer-Brown lived there also. + +The exterior of the house was more or less a model of +the facade of an Italian palazzo of the sixteenth century. +If one questioned Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown at dinner in regard +to this (which was only a fair return for drinking five +dollar champagne), she answered that the facade was +_cinquecentisti_, but that it reproduced also the Saracenic +mullioned window of the Siennese School. But if the guest +said later in the evening to Mr. Rasselyer-Brown that he +understood that his house was _cinquecentisti_, he answered +that he guessed it was. After which remark and an interval +of silence, Mr. Rasselyer-Brown would probably ask the +guest if he was dry. + +So from that one can tell exactly the sort of people the +Rasselyer-Browns were. + +In other words, Mr. Rasselyer-Brown was a severe handicap +to Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. He was more than that; the word +isn't strong enough. He was, as Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown +herself confessed to her confidential circle of three +hundred friends, a drag. He was also a tie, and a weight, +and a burden, and in Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's religious +moments a crucifix. Even in the early years of their +married life, some twenty or twenty-five years ago, her +husband had been a drag on her by being in the coal and +wood business. It is hard for a woman to have to realize +that her husband is making a fortune out of coal and wood +and that people know it. It ties one down. What a woman +wants most of all--this, of course, is merely a quotation +from Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's own thoughts as expressed to +her three hundred friends--is room to expand, to grow. +The hardest thing in the world is to be stifled: and +there is nothing more stifling than a husband who doesn't +know a Giotto from a Carlo Dolci, but who can distinguish +nut coal from egg and is never asked to dinner without +talking about the furnace. + +These, of course, were early trials. They had passed to +some extent, or were, at any rate, garlanded with the +roses of time. + +But the drag remained. + +Even when the retail coal and wood stage was long since +over, it was hard to have to put up with a husband who +owned a coal mine and who bought pulp forests instead of +illuminated missals of the twelfth century. A coal mine +is a dreadful thing at a dinner-table. It humbles one so +before one's guests. + +It wouldn't have been so bad--this Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown +herself admitted--if Mr. Rasselyer-Brown _did_ anything. +This phrase should be clearly understood. It meant if +there was any one thing that he _did_. For instance if he +had only _collected_ anything. Thus, there was Mr. Lucullus +Fyshe, who made soda-water, but at the same time everybody +knew that he had the best collection of broken Italian +furniture on the continent; there wasn't a sound piece +among the lot. + +And there was the similar example of old Mr. Feathertop. +He didn't exactly _collect_ things; he repudiated the name. +He was wont to say, "Don't call me a collector, I'm _not_. +I simply pick things up. Just where I happen to be, Rome, +Warsaw, Bucharest, anywhere"--and it is to be noted what +fine places these are to happen to be. And to think that +Mr. Rasselyer-Brown would never put his foot outside of +the United States! Whereas Mr. Feathertop would come back +from what he called a run to Europe, and everybody would +learn in a week that he had picked up the back of a violin +in Dresden (actually discovered it in a violin shop), +and the lid of an Etruscan kettle (he had lighted on it, +by pure chance, in a kettle shop in Etruria), and Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown would feel faint with despair at the +nonentity of her husband. + +So one can understand how heavy her burden was. + +"My dear," she often said to her bosom friend, Miss Snagg, +"I shouldn't mind things so much" (the things she wouldn't +mind were, let us say, the two million dollars of standing +timber which Brown Limited, the ominous business name of +Mr. Rasselyer-Brown, were buying that year) "if Mr. +Rasselyer-Brown _did_ anything. But he does _nothing_. Every +morning after breakfast off to his wretched office, and +never back till dinner, and in the evening nothing but +his club, or some business meeting. One would think he +would have more ambition. How I wish I had been a man." + +It was certainly a shame. + +So it came that, in almost everything she undertook Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown had to act without the least help from +her husband. Every Wednesday, for instance, when the +Dante Club met at her house (they selected four lines +each week to meditate on, and then discussed them at +lunch), Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown had to carry the whole +burden of it--her very phrase, "the whole burden"--alone. +Anyone who has carried four lines of Dante through a +Moselle lunch knows what a weight it is. + +In all these things her husband was useless, quite useless. +It is not right to be ashamed of one's husband. And to +do her justice, Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown always explained to +her three hundred intimates that she was _not_ ashamed of +him; in fact, that she _refused_ to be. But it was hard to +see him brought into comparison at their own table with +superior men. Put him, for instance, beside Mr. Sikleigh +Snoop, the sex-poet, and where was he? Nowhere. He couldn't +even understand what Mr. Snoop was saying. And when Mr. +Snoop would stand on the hearth-rug with a cup of tea +balanced in his hand, and discuss whether sex was or was +not the dominant note in Botticelli, Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown +would be skulking in a corner in his ill-fitting dress +suit. His wife would often catch with an agonized ear +such scraps of talk as, "When I was first in the coal +and wood business," or, "It's a coal that burns quicker +than egg, but it hasn't the heating power of nut," or +even in a low undertone the words, "If you're feeling +_dry_ while he's reading--" And this at a time when everybody +in the room ought to have been listening to Mr. Snoop. + +Nor was even this the whole burden of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. +There was another part of it which was perhaps more _real_, +though Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown herself never put it into +words. In fact, of this part of her burden she never +spoke, even to her bosom friend Miss Snagg; nor did she +talk about it to the ladies of the Dante Club, nor did +she make speeches on it to the members of the Women's +Afternoon Art Society, nor to the Monday Bridge Club. + +But the members of the Bridge Club and the Art Society +and the Dante Club all talked about it among themselves. + +Stated very simply, it was this: Mr. Rasselyer-Brown +drank. It was not meant that he was a drunkard or that +he drank too much, or anything of that sort. He drank. +That was all. + +There was no excess about it. Mr. Rasselyer-Brown, of +course, began the day with an eye-opener--and after all, +what alert man does not wish his eyes well open in the +morning? He followed it usually just before breakfast +with a bracer--and what wiser precaution can a businessman +take than to brace his breakfast? On his way to business +he generally had his motor stopped at the Grand Palaver +for a moment, if it was a raw day, and dropped in and +took something to keep out the damp. If it was a cold +day he took something to keep out the cold, and if it +was one of those clear, sunny days that are so dangerous +to the system he took whatever the bartender (a recognized +health expert) suggested to tone the system up. After +which he could sit down in his office and transact more +business, and bigger business, in coal, charcoal, wood, +pulp, pulpwood, and woodpulp, in two hours than any other +man in the business could in a week. Naturally so. For +he was braced, and propped, and toned up, and his eyes +had been opened, and his brain cleared, till outside of +very big business, indeed, few men were on a footing with +him. + +In fact, it was business itself which had compelled Mr. +Rasselyer-Brown to drink. It is all very well for a junior +clerk on twenty dollars a week to do his work on sandwiches +and malted milk. In big business it is not possible. When +a man begins to rise in business, as Mr. Rasselyer-Brown +had begun twenty-five years ago, he finds that if he +wants to succeed he must cut malted milk clear out. In +any position of responsibility a man has got to drink. +No really big deal can be put through without it. If two +keen men, sharp as flint, get together to make a deal in +which each intends to outdo the other, the only way to +succeed is for them to adjourn to some such place as the +luncheon-room of the Mausoleum Club and both get partially +drunk. This is what is called the personal element in +business. And, beside it, plodding industry is nowhere. + +Most of all do these principles hold true in such manly +out-of-door enterprises as the forest and timber business, +where one deals constantly with chief rangers, and +pathfinders, and wood-stalkers, whose very names seem to +suggest a horn of whiskey under a hemlock tree. + +But--let it be repeated and carefully understood--there +was no excess about Mr. Rasselyer-Brown's drinking. +Indeed, whatever he might be compelled to take during +the day, and at the Mausoleum Club in the evening, after +his return from his club at night Mr. Rasselyer-Brown +made it a fixed rule to take nothing. He might, perhaps, +as he passed into the house, step into the dining-room +and take a very small drink at the sideboard. But this +he counted as part of the return itself, and not after +it. And he might, if his brain were over-fatigued, drop +down later in the night in his pajamas and dressing-gown +when the house was quiet, and compose his mind with a +brandy and water, or something suitable to the stillness +of the hour. But this was not really a drink. Mr. +Rasselyer-Brown called it a _nip_; and of course any man +may need a _nip_ at a time when he would scorn a drink. + + * * * * * * * + +But after all, a woman may find herself again in her +daughter. There, at least, is consolation. For, as Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown herself admitted, her daughter, Dulphemia, +was herself again. There were, of course, differences, +certain differences of face and appearance. Mr. Snoop +had expressed this fact exquisitely when he said that it +was the difference between a Burne-Jones and a Dante +Gabriel Rossetti. But even at that the mother and daughter +were so alike that people, certain people, were constantly +mistaking them on the street. And as everybody that +mistook them was apt to be asked to dine on five-dollar +champagne there was plenty of temptation towards error. + +There is no doubt that Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown was a +girl of remarkable character and intellect. So is any +girl who has beautiful golden hair parted in thick bands +on her forehead, and deep blue eyes soft as an Italian +sky. + +Even the oldest and most serious men in town admitted +that in talking to her they were aware of a grasp, a +reach, a depth that surprised them. Thus old Judge +Longerstill, who talked to her at dinner for an hour on +the jurisdiction of the Interstate Commerce Commission, +felt sure from the way in which she looked up in his face +at intervals and said, "How interesting!" that she had +the mind of a lawyer. And Mr. Brace, the consulting +engineer, who showed her on the table-cloth at dessert +with three forks and a spoon the method in which the +overflow of the spillway of the Gatun Dam is regulated, +felt assured, from the way she leaned her face on her +hand sideways and said, "How extraordinary!" that she +had the brain of an engineer. Similarly foreign visitors +to the social circles of the city were delighted with +her. Viscount FitzThistle, who explained to Dulphemia +for half an hour the intricacies of the Irish situation, +was captivated at the quick grasp she showed by asking +him at the end, without a second's hesitation, "And which +are the Nationalists?" + +This kind of thing represents female intellect in its +best form. Every man that is really a man is willing to +recognize it at once. As to the young men, of course +they flocked to the Rasselyer-Brown residence in shoals. +There were batches of them every Sunday afternoon at five +o'clock, encased in long black frock-coats, sitting very +rigidly in upright chairs, trying to drink tea with one +hand. One might see athletic young college men of the +football team trying hard to talk about Italian music; +and Italian tenors from the Grand Opera doing their best +to talk about college football. There were young men in +business talking about art, and young men in art talking +about religion, and young clergymen talking about business. +Because, of course, the Rasselyer-Brown residence was +the kind of cultivated home where people of education +and taste are at liberty to talk about things they don't +know, and to utter freely ideas that they haven't got. +It was only now and again, when one of the professors +from the college across the avenue came booming into the +room, that the whole conversation was pulverized into +dust under the hammer of accurate knowledge. + +The whole process was what was called, by those who +understood such things, a _salon_. Many people said that +Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's afternoons at home were exactly +like the delightful _salons_ of the eighteenth century: +and whether the gatherings were or were not _salons_ of +the eighteenth century, there is no doubt that Mr. +Rasselyer-Brown, under whose care certain favoured guests +dropped quietly into the back alcove of the dining-room, +did his best to put the gathering on a par with the best +saloons of the twentieth. + +Now it so happened that there had come a singularly slack +moment in the social life of the City. The Grand Opera +had sung itself into a huge deficit and closed. There +remained nothing of it except the efforts of a committee +of ladies to raise enough money to enable Signor Puffi +to leave town, and the generous attempt of another +committee to gather funds in order to keep Signor Pasti +in the City. Beyond this, opera was dead, though the fact +that the deficit was nearly twice as large as it had been +the year before showed that public interest in music was +increasing. It was indeed a singularly trying time of +the year. It was too early to go to Europe; and too late +to go to Bermuda. It was too warm to go south, and yet +still too cold to go north. In fact, one was almost +compelled to stay at home--which was dreadful. + +As a result Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown and her three hundred +friends moved backwards and forwards on Plutoria Avenue, +seeking novelty in vain. They washed in waves of silk +from tango teas to bridge afternoons. They poured in +liquid avalanches of colour into crowded receptions, and +they sat in glittering rows and listened to lectures on +the enfranchisement of the female sex. But for the moment +all was weariness. + +Now it happened, whether by accident or design, that just +at this moment of general _ennui_ Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown and +her three hundred friends first heard of the presence in +the city of Mr. Yahi-Bahi, the celebrated Oriental mystic. +He was so celebrated that nobody even thought of asking +who he was or where he came from. They merely told one +another, and repeated it, that he was _the_ celebrated +Yahi-Bahi. They added for those who needed the knowledge +that the name was pronounced Yahhy-Bahhy, and that the +doctrine taught by Mr. Yahi-Bahi was Boohooism. This +latter, if anyone inquired further, was explained to be +a form of Shoodooism, only rather more intense. In fact, +it was esoteric--on receipt of which information everybody +remarked at once how infinitely superior the Oriental +peoples are to ourselves. + +Now as Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown was always a leader in +everything that was done in the best circles on Plutoria +Avenue, she was naturally among the first to visit Mr. +Yahi-Bahi. + +"My dear," she said, in describing afterwards her experience +to her bosom friend, Miss Snagg, "it was _most_ interesting. +We drove away down to the queerest part of the City, and +went to the strangest little house imaginable, up the +narrowest stairs one ever saw--quite Eastern, in fact, +just like a scene out of the Koran." + +"How fascinating!" said Miss Snagg. But as a matter of +fact, if Mr. Yahi-Bahi's house had been inhabited, as it +might have been, by a streetcar conductor or a railway +brakesman, Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown wouldn't have thought it +in any way peculiar or fascinating. + +"It was all hung with curtains inside," she went on, +"with figures of snakes and Indian gods, perfectly weird." + +"And did you see Mr. Yahi-Bahi?" asked Miss Snagg. + +"Oh no, my dear. I only saw his assistant Mr. Ram Spudd; +such a queer little round man, a Bengalee, I believe. He +put his back against a curtain and spread out his arms +sideways and wouldn't let me pass. He said that Mr. +Yahi-Bahi was in meditation and mustn't be disturbed." + +"How delightful!" echoed Miss Snagg. + +But in reality Mr. Yahi-Bahi was sitting behind the +curtain eating a ten-cent can of pork and beans. + +"What I like most about eastern people," went on Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown, "is their wonderful delicacy of feeling. +After I had explained about my invitation to Mr. Yahi-Bahi +to come and speak to us on Boohooism, and was going away, +I took a dollar bill out of my purse and laid it on the +table. You should have seen the way Mr. Ram Spudd took +it. He made the deepest salaam and said, 'Isis guard you, +beautiful lady.' Such perfect courtesy, and yet with the +air of scorning the money. As I passed out I couldn't +help slipping another dollar into his hand, and he took +it as if utterly unaware of it, and muttered, 'Osiris +keep you, O flower of women!' And as I got into the motor +I gave him another dollar and he said, 'Osis and Osiris +both prolong your existence, O lily of the ricefield,' +and after he had said it he stood beside the door of the +motor and waited without moving till I left. He had such +a strange, rapt look, as if he were still expecting +something!" + +"How exquisite!" murmured Miss Snagg. It was her business +in life to murmur such things as this for Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown. On the whole, reckoning Grand Opera +tickets and dinners, she did very well out of it. + +"Is it not?" said Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. "So different +from our men. I felt so ashamed of my chauffeur, our new +man, you know; he seemed such a contrast beside Ram Spudd. +The rude way in which the opened the door, and the rude +way in which he climbed on to his own seat, and the +_rudeness_ with which he turned on the power--I felt +positively ashamed. And he so managed it--I am sure he +did it on purpose--that the car splashed a lot of mud +over Mr. Spudd as it started." + +Yet, oddly enough, the opinion of other people on this +new chauffeur, that of Miss Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown +herself, for example, to whose service he was specially +attached, was very different. + +The great recommendation of him in the eyes of Miss +Dulphemia and her friends, and the thing that gave him +a touch of mystery was--and what higher qualification +can a chauffeur want?--that he didn't look like a chauffeur +at all. + +"My dear Dulphie," whispered Miss Philippa Furlong, the +rector's sister (who was at that moment Dulphemia's second +self), as they sat behind the new chauffeur, "don't tell +me that he is a chauffeur, because he _isn't_. He can +chauffe, of course, but that's nothing." + +For the new chauffeur had a bronzed face, hard as metal, +and a stern eye; and when he put on a chauffeur's overcoat +some how it seemed to turn into a military greatcoat; +and even when he put on the round cloth cap of his +profession it was converted straightway into a military +shako. And by Miss Dulphemia and her friends it was +presently reported--or was invented?--that he had served +in the Philippines; which explained at once the scar upon +his forehead, which must have been received at Iloilo, +or Huila-Huila, or some other suitable place. + +But what affected Miss Dulphemia Brown herself was the +splendid rudeness of the chauffeur's manner. It was so +different from that of the young men of the _salon_. Thus, +when Mr. Sikleigh Snoop handed her into the car at any +time he would dance about saying, "Allow me," and "Permit +me," and would dive forward to arrange the robes. But +the Philippine chauffeur merely swung the door open and +said to Dulphemia, "Get in," and then slammed it. + +This, of course, sent a thrill up the spine and through +the imagination of Miss Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown, because +it showed that the chauffeur was a gentleman in disguise. +She thought it very probable that he was a British +nobleman, a younger son, very wild, of a ducal family; +and she had her own theories as to why he had entered +the service of the Rasselyer-Browns. To be quite candid +about it, she expected that the Philippine chauffeur +meant to elope with her, and every time he drove her from +a dinner or a dance she sat back luxuriously, wishing +and expecting the elopement to begin. + + * * * * * * * + +But for the time being the interest of Dulphemia, as of +everybody else that was anybody at all, centred round +Mr. Yahi-Bahi and the new cult of Boohooism. + +After the visit of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown a great number +of ladies, also in motors, drove down to the house of +Mr. Yahi-Bahi. And all of them, whether they saw Mr. +Yahi-Bahi himself or his Bengalee assistant, Mr. Ram +Spudd, came back delighted. + +"Such exquisite tact!" said one. "Such delicacy! As I +was about to go I laid a five dollar gold piece on the +edge of the little table. Mr. Spudd scarcely seemed to +see it. He murmured, 'Osiris help you!' and pointed to +the ceiling. I raised my eyes instinctively, and when I +lowered them the money had disappeared. I think he must +have caused it to vanish." + +"Oh, I'm sure he did," said the listener. + +Others came back with wonderful stories of Mr. Yahi-Bahi's +occult powers, especially his marvellous gift of reading +the future. + +Mrs. Buncomhearst, who had just lost her third husband--by +divorce--had received from Mr. Yahi-Bahi a glimpse into +the future that was almost uncanny in its exactness. She +had asked for a divination, and Mr. Yahi-Bahi had effected +one by causing her to lay six ten-dollar pieces on the +table arranged in the form of a mystic serpent. Over +these he had bent and peered deeply, as if seeking to +unravel their meaning, and finally he had given her the +prophecy, "Many things are yet to happen before others +begin." + +"How _does_ he do it?" asked everybody. + + * * * * * * * + +As a result of all this it naturally came about that Mr. +Yahi-Bahi and Mr. Ram Spudd were invited to appear at +the residence of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown; and it was understood +that steps would be taken to form a special society, to +be known as the Yahi-Bahi Oriental Society. + +Mr. Sikleigh Snoop, the sex-poet, was the leading spirit +in the organization. He had a special fitness for the +task: he had actually resided in India. In fact, he had +spent six weeks there on a stop-over ticket of a +round-the-world 635 dollar steamship pilgrimage; and he +knew the whole country from Jehumbapore in Bhootal to +Jehumbalabad in the Carnatic. So he was looked upon as +a great authority on India, China, Mongolia, and all such +places, by the ladies of Plutoria Avenue. + +Next in importance was Mrs. Buncomhearst, who became +later, by a perfectly natural process, the president of +the society. She was already president of the Daughters +of the Revolution, a society confined exclusively to the +descendants of Washington's officers and others; she was +also president of the Sisters of England, an organization +limited exclusively to women born in England and elsewhere; +of the Daughters of Kossuth, made up solely of Hungarians +and friends of Hungary and other nations; and of the +Circle of Franz Joseph, which was composed exclusively +of the partisans, and others, of Austria. In fact, ever +since she had lost her third husband, Mrs. Buncomhearst +had thrown herself--that was her phrase--into outside +activities. Her one wish was, on her own statement, to +lose herself. So very naturally Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown +looked at once to Mrs. Buncomhearst to preside over the +meetings of the new society. + + * * * * * * * + +The large dining-room at the Rasselyer-Browns' had been +cleared out as a sort of auditorium, and in it some fifty +or sixty of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's more intimate friends +had gathered. The whole meeting was composed of ladies, +except for the presence of one or two men who represented +special cases. There was, of course, little Mr. Spillikins, +with his vacuous face and football hair, who was there, +as everybody knew, on account of Dulphemia; and there +was old Judge Longerstill, who sat leaning on a gold-headed +stick with his head sideways, trying to hear some fraction +of what was being said. He came to the gathering in the +hope that it would prove a likely place for seconding a +vote of thanks and saying a few words--half an hour's +talk, perhaps--on the constitution of the United States. +Failing that, he felt sure that at least someone would +call him "this eminent old gentleman," and even that was +better than staying at home. + +But for the most part the audience was composed of women, +and they sat in a little buzz of conversation waiting +for Mr. Yahi-Bahi. + +"I wonder," called Mrs. Buncomhearst from the chair, "if +some lady would be good enough to write minutes? Miss +Snagg, I wonder if you would be kind enough to write +minutes? Could you?" + +"I shall be delighted," said Miss Snagg, "but I'm afraid +there's hardly time to write them before we begin, is +there?" + +"Oh, but it would be all right to write them _afterwards_," +chorussed several ladies who understood such things; +"it's quite often done that way." + +"And I should like to move that we vote a constitution," +said a stout lady with a double eye-glass. + +"Is that carried?" said Mrs. Buncomhearst. "All those in +favour please signify." + +Nobody stirred. + +"Carried," said the president. "And perhaps you would be +good enough, Mrs. Fyshe," she said, turning towards the +stout lady, "to _write_ the constitution." + +"Do you think it necessary to _write_ it?" said Mrs. Fyshe. +"I should like to move, if I may, that I almost wonder +whether it is necessary to write the constitution--unless, +of course, anybody thinks that we really ought to." + +"Ladies," said the president, "you have heard the motion. +All those against it--" + +There was no sign. + +"All those in favour of it--" + +There was still no sign. + +"Lost," she said. + +Then, looking across at the clock on the mantel-piece, +and realizing that Mr. Yahi-Bahi must have been delayed +and that something must be done, she said: + +"And now, ladies, as we have in our midst a most eminent +gentleman who probably has thought more deeply about +constitutions than--" + +All eyes turned at once towards Judge Longerstill, but +as fortune had it at this very moment Mr. Sikleigh Snoop +entered, followed by Mr. Yahi-Bahi and Mr. Ram Spudd. + +Mr. Yahi-Bahi was tall. His drooping Oriental costume +made him taller still. He had a long brown face and liquid +brown eyes of such depth that when he turned them full +upon the ladies before him a shiver of interest and +apprehension followed in the track of his glance. + +"My dear," said Miss Snagg afterwards, "he seemed simply +to see right through us." + +This was correct. He did. + +Mr. Ram Spudd presented a contrast to his superior. He +was short and round, with a dimpled mahogany face and +eyes that twinkled in it like little puddles of molasses. +His head was bound in a turban and his body was swathed +in so many bands and sashes that he looked almost circular. +The clothes of both Mr. Yahi-Bahi and Ram Spudd were +covered with the mystic signs of Buddha and the seven +serpents of Vishnu. + +It was impossible, of course, for Mr. Yahi-Bahi or Mr. +Ram Spudd to address the audience. Their knowledge of +English was known to be too slight for that. Their +communications were expressed entirely through the medium +of Mr. Snoop, and even he explained afterwards that it +was very difficult. The only languages of India which he +was able to speak, he said, with any fluency were Gargamic +and Gumaic both of these being old Dravidian dialects +with only two hundred and three words in each, and hence +in themselves very difficult to converse in. Mr. Yahi-Bahi +answered in what Mr. Snoop understood to be the Iramic +of the Vedas, a very rich language, but one which +unfortunately he did not understand. The dilemma is one +familiar to all Oriental scholars. + +All of this Mr. Snoop explained in the opening speech +which he proceeded to make. And after this he went on to +disclose, amid deep interest, the general nature of the +cult of Boohooism. He said that they could best understand +it if he told them that its central doctrine was that of +Bahee. Indeed, the first aim of all followers of the cult +was to attain to Bahee. Anybody who could spend a certain +number of hours each day, say sixteen, in silent meditation +on Boohooism would find his mind gradually reaching a +condition of Bahee. The chief aim of Bahee itself was +sacrifice: a true follower of the cult must be willing +to sacrifice his friends, or his relatives, and even +strangers, in order to reach Bahee. In this way one was +able fully to realize oneself and enter into the Higher +Indifference. Beyond this, further meditation and +fasting--by which was meant living solely on fish, fruit, +wine, and meat--one presently attained to complete Swaraj +or Control of Self, and might in time pass into the +absolute Nirvana, or the Negation of Emptiness, the +supreme goal of Boohooism. + +As a first step to all this, Mr. Snoop explained, each +neophyte or candidate for holiness must, after searching +his own heart, send ten dollars to Mr. Yahi-Bahi. Gold, +it appeared, was recognized in the cult of Boohooism as +typifying the three chief virtues, whereas silver or +paper money did not; even national banknotes were only +regarded as do or, a halfway palliation; and outside +currencies such as Canadian or Mexican bills were looked +upon as entirely boo, or contemptible. The Oriental view +of money, said Mr. Snoop, was far superior to our own, +but it also might be attained by deep thought, and, as +a beginning, by sending ten dollars to Mr. Yahi-Bahi. + +After this Mr. Snoop, in conclusion, read a very beautiful +Hindu poem, translating it as he went along. It began, +"O cow, standing beside the Ganges, and apparently without +visible occupation," and it was voted exquisite by all +who heard it. The absence of rhyme and the entire removal +of ideas marked it as far beyond anything reached as yet +by Occidental culture. + +When Mr. Snoop had concluded, the president called upon +Judge Longerstill for a few words of thanks, which he +gave, followed by a brief talk on the constitution of +the United States. + +After this the society was declared constituted, Mr. +Yahi-Bahi made four salaams, one to each point of the +compass, and the meeting dispersed. + +And that evening, over fifty dinner tables, everybody +discussed the nature of Bahee, and tried in vain to +explain it to men too stupid to understand. + + * * * * * * * + +Now it so happened that on the very afternoon of this +meeting at Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's, the Philippine chauffeur +did a strange and peculiar thing. He first asked Mr. +Rasselyer-Brown for a few hours' leave of absence to +attend the funeral of his mother in-law. This was a +request which Mr. Rasselyer-Brown, on principle, never +refused to a man-servant. + +Whereupon, the Philippine chauffeur, no longer attired +as one, visited the residence of Mr. Yahi-Bahi. He let +himself in with a marvellous little key which he produced +from a very wonderful bunch of such. He was in the house +for nearly half an hour, and when he emerged, the notebook +in his breast pocket, had there been an eye to read it, +would have been seen to be filled with stranger details +in regard to Oriental mysticism than even Mr. Yahi-Bahi +had given to the world. So strange were they that before +the Philippine chauffeur returned to the Rasselyer-Brown +residence he telegraphed certain and sundry parts of them +to New York. But why he should have addressed them to +the head of a detective bureau instead of to a college +of Oriental research it passes the imagination to conceive. +But as the chauffeur duly reappeared at motor-time in +the evening the incident passed unnoticed. + + * * * * * * * + +It is beyond the scope of the present narrative to trace +the progress of Boohooism during the splendid but brief +career of the Yahi-Bahi Oriental Society. There could be +no doubt of its success. Its principles appealed with +great strength to all the more cultivated among the ladies +of Plutoria Avenue. There was something in the Oriental +mysticism of its doctrines which rendered previous belief +stale and puerile. The practice of the sacred rites began +at once. The ladies' counters of the Plutorian banks were +inundated with requests for ten-dollar pieces in exchange +for banknotes. At dinner in the best houses nothing was +eaten except a thin soup (or bru), followed by fish, +succeeded by meat or by game, especially such birds as +are particularly pleasing to Buddha, as the partridge, +the pheasant, and the woodcock. After this, except for +fruits and wine, the principle of Swaraj, or denial of +self, was rigidly imposed. Special Oriental dinners of +this sort were given, followed by listening to the reading +of Oriental poetry, with closed eyes and with the mind +as far as possible in a state of Stoj, or Negation of +Thought. + +By this means the general doctrine of Boohooism spread +rapidly. Indeed, a great many of the members of the +society soon attained to a stage of Bahee, or the Higher +Indifference, that it would have been hard to equal +outside of Juggapore or Jumbumbabad. For example, when +Mrs. Buncomhearst learned of the remarriage of her second +husband--she had lost him three years before, owing to +a difference of opinion on the emancipation of women--she +showed the most complete Bahee possible. And when Miss +Snagg learned that her brother in Venezuela had died--a +very sudden death brought on by drinking rum for seventeen +years--and had left her ten thousand dollars, the Bahee +which she exhibited almost amounted to Nirvana. + +In fact, the very general dissemination of the Oriental +idea became more and more noticeable with each week that +passed. Some members attained to so complete a Bahee, or +Higher Indifference, that they even ceased to attend the +meetings of the society; others reached a Swaraj, or +Control of Self, so great that they no longer read its +pamphlets; while others again actually passed into Nirvana, +to a Complete Negation of Self, so rapidly that they did +not even pay their subscriptions. + +But features of this sort, of course, are familiar wherever +a successful occult creed makes its way against the +prejudices of the multitude. + +The really notable part of the whole experience was the +marvellous demonstration of occult power which attended +the final seance of the society, the true nature of which +is still wrapped in mystery. + +For some weeks it had been rumoured that a very special +feat or demonstration of power by Mr. Yahi-Bahi was under +contemplation. In fact, the rapid spread of Swaraj and +of Nirvana among the members rendered such a feat highly +desirable. Just what form the demonstration would take +was for some time a matter of doubt. It was whispered at +first that Mr. Yahi-Bahi would attempt the mysterious +eastern rite of burying Ram Spudd alive in the garden of +the Rasselyer-Brown residence and leaving him there in +a state of Stoj, or Suspended Inanition, for eight days. +But this project was abandoned, owing to some doubt, +apparently, in the mind of Mr. Ram Spudd as to his astral +fitness for the high state of Stoj necessitated by the +experiment. + +At last it became known to the members of the Poosh, or +Inner Circle, under the seal of confidence, that Mr. +Yahi-Bahi would attempt nothing less than the supreme +feat of occultism, namely, a reincarnation, or more +correctly a reastralization of Buddha. + +The members of the Inner Circle shivered with a luxurious +sense of mystery when they heard of it. + +"Has it ever been done before?" they asked of Mr. Snoop. + +"Only a few times," he said; "once, I believe, by Jam-bum, +the famous Yogi of the Carnatic; once, perhaps twice, by +Boohoo, the founder of the sect. But it is looked upon +as extremely rare. Mr. Yahi tells me that the great danger +is that, if the slightest part of the formula is incorrectly +observed, the person attempting the astralization is +swallowed up into nothingness. However, he declares +himself willing to try." + + * * * * * * * + +The seance was to take place at Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's +residence, and was to be at midnight. + +"At midnight!" said each member in surprise. And the +answer was, "Yes, at midnight. You see, midnight here is +exactly midday in Allahabad in India." + +This explanation was, of course, ample. "Midnight," +repeated everybody to everybody else, "is exactly midday +in Allahabad." That made things perfectly clear. Whereas +if midnight had been midday in Timbuctoo the whole +situation would have been different. + +Each of the ladies was requested to bring to the seance +some ornament of gold; but it must be plain gold, without +any setting of stones. + +It was known already that, according to the cult of +Boohooism, gold, plain gold, is the seat of the three +virtues--beauty, wisdom and grace. Therefore, according +to the creed of Boohooism, anyone who has enough gold, +plain gold, is endowed with these virtues and is all +right. All that is needed is to have enough of it; the +virtues follow as a consequence. + +But for the great experiment the gold used must not be +set with stones, with the one exception of rubies, which +are known to be endowed with the three attributes of +Hindu worship, modesty, loquacity, and pomposity. + +In the present case it was found that as a number of +ladies had nothing but gold ornaments set with diamonds, +a second exception was made; especially as Mr. Yahi-Bahi, +on appeal, decided that diamonds, though less pleasing +to Buddha than rubies, possessed the secondary Hindu +virtues of divisibility, movability, and disposability. + +On the evening in question the residence of Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown might have been observed at midnight wrapped +in utter darkness. No lights were shown. A single taper, +brought by Ram Spudd from the Taj Mohal, and resembling +in its outer texture those sold at the five-and-ten store +near Mr. Spudd's residence, burned on a small table in +the vast dining-room. The servants had been sent upstairs +and expressly enjoined to retire at half past ten. +Moreover, Mr. Rasselyer-Brown had had to attend that +evening, at the Mausoleum Club, a meeting of the trustees +of the Church of St. Asaph, and he had come home at eleven +o'clock, as he always did after diocesan work of this +sort, quite used up; in fact, so fatigued that he had +gone upstairs to his own suite of rooms sideways, his +knees bending under him. So utterly used up was he with +his church work that, as far as any interest in what +might be going on in his own residence, he had attained +to a state of Bahee, or Higher Indifference, that even +Buddha might have envied. + +The guests, as had been arranged, arrived noiselessly +and on foot. All motors were left at least a block away. +They made their way up the steps of the darkened house, +and were admitted without ringing, the door opening +silently in front of them. Mr. Yahi-Bahi and Mr. Ram +Spudd, who had arrived on foot carrying a large parcel, +were already there, and were behind a screen in the +darkened room, reported to be in meditation. + +At a whispered word from Mr. Snoop, who did duty at the +door, all furs and wraps were discarded in the hall and +laid in a pile. Then the guests passed silently into the +great dining room. There was no light in it except the +dim taper which stood on a little table. On this table +each guest, as instructed, laid an ornament of gold, and +at the same time was uttered in a low voice the word +Ksvoo. This means, "O Buddha, I herewith lay my unworthy +offering at thy feet; take it and keep it for ever." It +was explained that this was only a form. + + * * * * * * * + +"What is he doing?" whispered the assembled guests as +they saw Mr. Yahi-Bahi pass across the darkened room and +stand in front of the sideboard. + +"Hush!" said Mr. Snoop; "he's laying the propitiatory +offering for Buddha." + +"It's an Indian rite," whispered Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. + +Mr. Yahi-Bahi could be seen dimly moving to and fro in +front of the sideboard. There was a faint clinking of +glass. + +"He has to set out a glass of Burmese brandy, powdered +over with nutmeg and aromatics," whispered Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown. "I had the greatest hunt to get it all +for him. He said that nothing but Burmese brandy would +do, because in the Hindu religion the god can only be +invoked with Burmese brandy, or, failing that, Hennessy's +with three stars, which is not entirely displeasing to +Buddha." + +"The aromatics," whispered Mr. Snoop, "are supposed to +waft a perfume or incense to reach the nostrils of the +god. The glass of propitiatory wine and the aromatic +spices are mentioned in the Vishnu-Buddayat." + +Mr. Yahi-Bahi, his preparations completed, was now seen +to stand in front of the sideboard bowing deeply four +times in an Oriental salaam. The light of the single +taper had by this time burned so dim that his movements +were vague and uncertain. His body cast great flickering +shadows on the half-seen wall. From his throat there +issued a low wail in which the word wah! wah! could be +distinguished. + +The excitement was intense. + +"What does wah mean?" whispered Mr. Spillikins. + +"Hush!" said Mr. Snoop; "it means, 'O Buddha, wherever +thou art in thy lofty Nirvana, descend yet once in astral +form before our eyes!'" + +Mr. Yahi-Bahi rose. He was seen to place one finger on +his lips and then, silently moving across the room, he +disappeared behind the screen. Of what Mr. Ram Spudd was +doing during this period there is no record. It was +presumed that he was still praying. + +The stillness was now absolute. + +"We must wait in perfect silence," whispered Mr. Snoop +from the extreme tips of his lips. + +Everybody sat in strained intensity, silent, looking +towards the vague outline of the sideboard. + +The minutes passed. No one moved. All were spellbound in +expectancy. + +Still the minutes passed. The taper had flickered down +till the great room was almost in darkness. + +Could it be that by some neglect in the preparations, +the substitution perhaps of the wrong brandy, the +astralization could not be effected? + +But no. + +Quite suddenly, it seemed, everybody in the darkened room +was aware of a _presence_. That was the word as afterwards +repeated in a hundred confidential discussions. A _presence_. +One couldn't call it a body. It wasn't. It was a figure, +an astral form, a presence. + +"Buddha!" they gasped as they looked at it. + +Just how the figure entered the room, the spectators +could never afterwards agree. Some thought it appeared +through the wall, deliberately astralizing itself as it +passed through the bricks. Others seemed to have seen it +pass in at the farther door of the room, as if it had +astralized itself at the foot of the stairs in the back +of the hall outside. + +Be that as it may, there it stood before them, the +astralized shape of the Indian deity, so that to every +lip there rose the half-articulated word, "Buddha"; or +at least to every lip except that of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. +From her there came no sound. + +The figure as afterwards described was attired in a long +_shirak_, such as is worn by the Grand Llama of Tibet, and +resembling, if the comparison were not profane, a modern +dressing-gown. The legs, if one might so call them, of +the apparition were enwrapped in loose punjahamas, a word +which is said to be the origin of the modern pyjamas; +while the feet, if they were feet, were encased in loose +slippers. + +Buddha moved slowly across the room. Arrived at the +sideboard the astral figure paused, and even in the +uncertain light Buddha was seen to raise and drink the +propitiatory offering. That much was perfectly clear. +Whether Buddha spoke or not is doubtful. Certain of the +spectators thought that he said, 'Must a fagotnit', which +is Hindustanee for "Blessings on this house." To Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown's distracted mind it seemed as if Buddha +said, "I must have forgotten it" But this wild fancy she +never breathed to a soul. + +Silently Buddha recrossed the room, slowly wiping one +arm across his mouth after the Hindu gesture of farewell. + +For perhaps a full minute after the disappearance of +Buddha not a soul moved. Then quite suddenly Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown, unable to stand the tension any longer, +pressed an electric switch and the whole room was flooded +with light. + +There sat the affrighted guests staring at one another +with pale faces. + +But, to the amazement and horror of all, the little table +in the centre stood empty--not a single gem, not a fraction +of the gold that had lain upon it was left. All had +disappeared. + +The truth seemed to burst upon everyone at once. There +was no doubt of what had happened. + +The gold and the jewels had been deastralized. Under the +occult power of the vision they had been demonetized, +engulfed into the astral plane along with the vanishing +Buddha. + +Filled with the sense of horror still to come, somebody +pulled aside the little screen. They fully expected to +find the lifeless bodies of Mr. Yahi-Bahi and the faithful +Ram Spudd. What they saw before them was more dreadful +still. The outer Oriental garments of the two devotees +lay strewn upon the floor. The long sash of Yahi-Bahi +and the thick turban of Ram Spudd were side by side near +them; almost sickening in its repulsive realism was the +thick black head of hair of the junior devotee, apparently +torn from his scalp as if by lightning and bearing a +horrible resemblance to the cast-off wig of an actor. + +The truth was too plain. + +"They are engulfed!" cried a dozen voices at once. + +It was realized in a flash that Yahi-Bahi and Ram Spudd +had paid the penalty of their daring with their lives. +Through some fatal neglect, against which they had fairly +warned the participants of the seance, the two Orientals +had been carried bodily in the astral plane. + +"How dreadful!" murmured Mr. Snoop. "We must have made +some awful error." + +"Are they deastralized?" murmured Mrs. Buncomhearst. + +"Not a doubt of it," said Mr. Snoop. + +And then another voice in the group was heard to say, +"We must hush it up. We _can't_ have it known!" + +On which a chorus of voices joined in, everybody urging +that it must be hushed up. + +"Couldn't you try to reastralize them?" said somebody to +Mr. Snoop. + +"No, no," said Mr. Snoop, still shaking. "Better not try +to. We must hush it up if we can." + +And the general assent to this sentiment showed that, +after all, the principles of Bahee, or Indifference to +Others, had taken a real root in the society. + +"Hush it up," cried everybody, and there was a general +move towards the hall. + +"Good Heavens!" exclaimed Mrs. Buncomhearst; "our wraps!" + +"Deastralized!" said the guests. + +There was a moment of further consternation as everybody +gazed at the spot where the ill-fated pile of furs and +wraps had lain. + +"Never mind," said everybody, "let's go without them--don't +stay. Just think if the police should--" + +And at the word police, all of a sudden there was heard +in the street the clanging of a bell and the racing gallop +of the horses of the police patrol wagon. + +"The police!" cried everybody. "Hush it up! Hush it up!" +For of course the principles of Bahee are not known to +the police. + +In another moment the doorbell of the house rang with a +long and violent peal, and in a second as it seemed, the +whole hall was filled with bulky figures uniformed in +blue. + +"It's all right, Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown," cried a loud, +firm voice from the sidewalk. "We have them both. Everything +is here. We got them before they'd gone a block. But if +you don't mind, the police must get a couple of names +for witnesses in the warrant." + +It was the Philippine chauffeur. But he was no longer +attired as such. He wore the uniform of an inspector of +police, and there was the metal badge of the Detective +Department now ostentatiously outside his coat. + +And beside him, one on each side of him, there stood the +deastralized forms of Yahi-Bahi and Ram Spudd. They wore +long overcoats, doubtless the contents of the magic +parcels, and the Philippine chauffeur had a grip of iron +on the neck of each as they stood. Mr. Spudd had lost +his Oriental hair, and the face of Mr. Yahi-Bahi, perhaps +in the struggle which had taken place, had been scraped +white in patches. + +They were making no attempt to break away. Indeed, Mr. +Spudd, with that complete Bahee, or Submission to Fate, +which is attained only by long services in state +penitentiaries, was smiling and smoking a cigarette. + +"We were waiting for them," explained a tall police +officer to the two or three ladies who now gathered round +him with a return of courage. "They had the stuff in a +hand-cart and were pushing it away. The chief caught them +at the corner, and rang the patrol from there. You'll +find everything all right, I think, ladies," he added, +as a burly assistant was seen carrying an armload of furs +up the steps. + +Somehow many of the ladies realized at the moment what +cheery, safe, reliable people policemen in blue are, and +what a friendly, familiar shelter they offer against the +wiles of Oriental occultism. + +"Are they old criminals?" someone asked. + +"Yes, ma'am. They've worked this same thing in four cities +already, and both of them have done time, and lots of +it. They've only been out six months. No need to worry +over them," he concluded with a shrug of the shoulders. + +So the furs were restored and the gold and the jewels +parcelled out among the owners, and in due course Mr. +Yahi-Bahi and Mr. Ram Spudd were lifted up into the patrol +wagon where they seated themselves with a composure worthy +of the best traditions of Jehumbabah and Bahoolapore. In +fact, Mr. Spudd was heard to address the police as "boys," +and to remark that they had "got them good" that time. + +So the seance ended and the guests vanished, and the +Yahi-Bahi Society terminated itself without even a vote +of dissolution. + +And in all the later confidential discussions of the +episode only one point of mysticism remained. After they +had time really to reflect on it, free from all danger +of arrest, the members of the society realized that on +one point the police were entirely off the truth of +things. For Mr. Yahi-Bahi, whether a thief or not, and +whether he came from the Orient, or, as the police said, +from Missouri, had actually succeeded in reastralizing +Buddha. + +Nor was anyone more emphatic on this point than Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown herself. + +"For after all," she said, "if it was not Buddha, who +was it?" + +And the question was never answered. + + + +CHAPTER FIVE: The Love Story of Mr. Peter Spillikins + +Almost any day, on Plutoria Avenue or thereabouts, you +may see little Mr. Spillikins out walking with his four +tall sons, who are practically as old as himself. + +To be exact, Mr. Spillikins is twenty-four, and Bob, the +oldest of the boys, must be at least twenty. Their exact +ages are no longer known, because, by a dreadful accident, +their mother forgot them. This was at a time when the +boys were all at Mr. Wackem's Academy for Exceptional +Youths in the foothills of Tennessee, and while their +mother, Mrs. Everleigh, was spending the winter on the +Riviera and felt that for their own sake she must not +allow herself to have the boys with her. + +But now, of course, since Mrs. Everleigh has remarried +and become Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins there is no need to +keep them at Mr. Wackem's any longer. Mr. Spillikins is +able to look after them. + +Mr. Spillikins generally wears a little top hat and an +English morning coat. The boys are in Eton jackets and +black trousers, which, at their mother's wish, are kept +just a little too short for them. This is because Mrs. +Everleigh-Spillikins feels that the day will come some +day--say fifteen years hence--when the boys will no longer +be children, and meantime it is so nice to feel that they +are still mere boys. Bob is the eldest, but Sib the +youngest is the tallest, whereas Willie the third boy is +the dullest, although this has often been denied by those +who claim that Gib the second boy is just a trifle duller. +Thus at any rate there is a certain equality and good +fellowship all round. + +Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins is not to be seen walking with +them. She is probably at the race-meet, being taken there +by Captain Cormorant of the United States navy, which +Mr. Spillikins considers very handsome of him. Every now +and then the captain, being in the navy, is compelled to +be at sea for perhaps a whole afternoon or even several +days; in which case Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins is very +generally taken to the Hunt Club or the Country Club by +Lieutenant Hawk, which Mr. Spillikins regards as awfully +thoughtful of him. Or if Lieutenant Hawk is also out of +town for the day, as he sometimes has to be, because he +is in the United States army, Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins +is taken out by old Colonel Shake, who is in the State +militia and who is at leisure all the time. + +During their walks on Plutoria Avenue one may hear the +four boys addressing Mr. Spillikins as "father" and "dad" +in deep bull-frog voices. + +"Say, dad," drawls Bob, "couldn't we all go to the ball +game?" + +"No. Say, dad," says Gib, "let's all go back to the house +and play five-cent pool in the billiard-room." + +"All right, boys," says Mr. Spillikins. And a few minutes +later one may see them all hustling up the steps of the +Everleigh-Spillikins's mansion, quite eager at the prospect, +and all talking together. + + * * * * * * * + +Now the whole of this daily panorama, to the eye that +can read it, represents the outcome of the tangled love +story of Mr. Spillikins, which culminated during the +summer houseparty at Castel Casteggio, the woodland +retreat of Mr. and Mrs. Newberry. + +But to understand the story one must turn back a year or +so to the time when Mr. Peter Spillikins used to walk on +Plutoria Avenue alone, or sit in the Mausoleum Club +listening to the advice of people who told him that he +really ought to get married. + + * * * * * * * + +In those days the first thing that one noticed about Mr. +Peter Spillikins was his exalted view of the other sex. +Every time he passed a beautiful woman in the street he +said to himself, "I say!" Even when he met a moderately +beautiful one he murmured, "By Jove!" When an Easter hat +went sailing past, or a group of summer parasols stood +talking on a leafy corner, Mr. Spillikins ejaculated, +"My word!" At the opera and at tango teas his projecting +blue eyes almost popped out of his head. + +Similarly, if he happened to be with one of his friends, +he would murmur, "I say, _do_ look at that beautiful girl," +or would exclaim, "I say, don't look, but isn't that an +awfully pretty girl across the street?" or at the opera, +"Old man, don't let her see you looking, but do you see +that lovely girl in the box opposite?" + +One must add to this that Mr. Spillikins, in spite of +his large and bulging blue eyes, enjoyed the heavenly +gift of short sight. As a consequence he lived in a world +of amazingly beautiful women. And as his mind was focused +in the same way as his eyes he endowed them with all the +virtues and graces which ought to adhere to fifty-dollar +flowered hats and cerise parasols with ivory handles. + +Nor, to do him justice, did Mr. Spillikins confine his +attitude to his view of women alone. He brought it to +bear on everything. Every time he went to the opera he +would come away enthusiastic, saying, "By Jove, isn't it +simply splendid! Of course I haven't the ear to appreciate +it--I'm not musical, you know--but even with the little +that I know, it's great; it absolutely puts me to sleep." +And of each new novel that he bought he said, "It's a +perfectly wonderful book! Of course I haven't the head +to understand it, so I didn't finish it, but it's simply +thrilling." Similarly with painting, "It's one of the +most marvellous pictures I ever saw," he would say. "Of +course I've no eye for pictures, and I couldn't see +anything in it, but it's wonderful!" + +The career of Mr. Spillikins up to the point of which we +are speaking had hitherto not been very satisfactory, or +at least not from the point of view of Mr. Boulder, who +was his uncle and trustee. Mr. Boulder's first idea had +been to have Mr. Spillikins attend the university. Dr. +Boomer, the president, had done his best to spread abroad +the idea that a university education was perfectly suitable +even for the rich; that it didn't follow that because a +man was a university graduate he need either work or +pursue his studies any further; that what the university +aimed to do was merely to put a certain stamp upon a man. +That was all. And this stamp, according to the tenor of +the president's convocation addresses, was perfectly +harmless. No one ought to be afraid of it. As a result, +a great many of the very best young men in the City, who +had no need for education at all, were beginning to attend +college. "It marked," said Dr. Boomer, "a revolution." + +Mr. Spillikins himself was fascinated with his studies. +The professors seemed to him living wonders. + +"By Jove!" he said, "the professor of mathematics is a +marvel. You ought to see him explaining trigonometry on +the blackboard. You can't understand a word of it." He +hardly knew which of his studies he liked best. "Physics," +he said, "is a wonderful study. I got five per cent in +it. But, by Jove! I had to work for it. I'd go in for it +altogether if they'd let me." + +But that was just the trouble--they wouldn't. And so in +course of time Mr. Spillikins was compelled, for academic +reasons, to abandon his life work. His last words about +it were, "Gad! I nearly passed in trigonometry!" and he +always said afterwards that he had got a tremendous lot +out of the university. + +After that, as he had to leave the university, his trustee, +Mr. Boulder, put Mr. Spillikins into business. It was, +of course, his own business, one of the many enterprises +for which Mr. Spillikins, ever since he was twenty-one, +had already been signing documents and countersigning +cheques. So Mr. Spillikins found himself in a mahogany +office selling wholesale oil. And he liked it. He said +that business sharpened one up tremendously. + +"I'm afraid, Mr. Spillikins," a caller in the mahogany +office would say, "that we can't meet you at five dollars. +Four seventy is the best we can do on the present market." + +"My dear chap," said Mr. Spillikins, "that's all right. +After all, thirty cents isn't much, eh what? Dash it, +old man, we won't fight about thirty cents. How much do +you want?" + +"Well, at four seventy we'll take twenty thousand barrels." + +"By Jove!" said Mr. Spillikins; "twenty thousand barrels. +Gad! you want a lot, don't you? Pretty big sale, eh, for +a beginner like me? I guess uncle'll be tickled to death." + +So tickled was he that after a few weeks of oil-selling +Mr. Boulder urged Mr. Spillikins to retire, and wrote +off many thousand dollars from the capital value of his +estate. + +So after this there was only one thing for Mr. Spillikins +to do, and everybody told him so--namely to get married. +"Spillikins," said his friends at the club after they +had taken all his loose money over the card table, "you +ought to get married." + +"Think so?" said Mr. Spillikins. + +Goodness knows he was willing enough. In fact, up to this +point Mr. Spillikins's whole existence had been one long +aspiring sigh directed towards the joys of matrimony. + +In his brief college days his timid glances had wandered +by an irresistible attraction towards the seats on the +right-hand side of the class room, where the girls of +the first year sat, with golden pigtails down their backs, +doing trigonometry. + +He would have married any of them. But when a girl can +work out trigonometry at sight, what use can she possibly +have for marriage? None. Mr. Spillikins knew this and it +kept him silent. And even when the most beautiful girl +in the class married the demonstrator and thus terminated +her studies in her second year, Spillikins realized that +it was only because the man was, undeniably, a demonstrator +and knew things. + +Later on, when Spillikins went into business and into +society, the same fate pursued him. He loved, for at +least six months, Georgiana McTeague, the niece of the +presbyterian minister of St. Osoph's. He loved her so +well that for her sake he temporarily abandoned his pew +at St. Asaph's, which was episcopalian, and listened to +fourteen consecutive sermons on hell. But the affair got +no further than that. Once or twice, indeed, Spillikins +walked home with Georgiana from church and talked about +hell with her; and once her uncle asked him into the +manse for cold supper after evening service, and they +had a long talk about hell all through the meal and +upstairs in the sitting-room afterwards. But somehow +Spillikins could get no further with it. He read up all +he could about hell so as to be able to talk with Georgiana, +but in the end it failed: a young minister fresh from +college came and preached at St. Osoph's six special +sermons on the absolute certainty of eternal punishment, +and he married Miss McTeague as a result of it. + +And, meantime, Mr. Spillikins had got engaged, or +practically so, to Adelina Lightleigh; not that he had +spoken to her, but he considered himself bound to her. +For her sake he had given up hell altogether, and was +dancing till two in the morning and studying action bridge +out of a book. For a time he felt so sure that she meant +to have him that he began bringing his greatest friend, +Edward Ruff of the college football team, of whom Spillikins +was very proud, up to the Lightleighs' residence. He +specially wanted Adelina and Edward to be great friends, +so that Adelina and he might ask Edward up to the house +after he was married. And they got to be such great +friends, and so quickly, that they were married in New +York that autumn. After which Spillikins used to be +invited up to the house by Edward and Adelina. They both +used to tell him how much they owed him; and they, too, +used to join in the chorus and say, "You know, Peter, +you're awfully silly not to get married." + +Now all this had happened and finished at about the time +when the Yahi-Bahi Society ran its course. At its first +meeting Mr. Spillikins had met Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown. +At the very sight of her he began reading up the life of +Buddha and a translation of the Upanishads so as to fit +himself to aspire to live with her. Even when the society +ended in disaster Mr. Spillikins's love only burned the +stronger. Consequently, as soon as he knew that Mr. and +Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown were going away for the summer, and +that Dulphemia was to go to stay with the Newberrys at +Castel Casteggio, this latter place, the summer retreat +of the Newberrys, became the one spot on earth for Mr. +Peter Spillikins. + +Naturally, therefore, Mr. Spillikins was presently +transported to the seventh heaven when in due course of +time he received a note which said, "We shall be so +pleased if you can come out and spend a week or two with +us here. We will send the car down to the Thursday train +to meet you. We live here in the simplest fashion possible; +in fact, as Mr. Newberry says, we are just roughing it, +but I am sure you don't mind for a change. Dulphemia is +with us, but we are quite a small party." + +The note was signed "Margaret Newberry" and was written +on heavy cream paper with a silver monogram such as people +use when roughing it. + + * * * * * * * + +The Newberrys, like everybody else, went away from town +in the summertime. Mr. Newberry being still in business, +after a fashion, it would not have looked well for him +to remain in town throughout the year. It would have +created a bad impression on the market as to how much he +was making. + +In fact, in the early summer everybody went out of town. +The few who ever revisited the place in August reported +that they hadn't seen a soul on the street. + +It was a sort of longing for the simple life, for nature, +that came over everybody. Some people sought it at the +seaside, where nature had thrown out her broad plank +walks and her long piers and her vaudeville shows. Others +sought it in the heart of the country, where nature had +spread her oiled motor roads and her wayside inns. Others, +like the Newberrys, preferred to "rough it" in country +residences of their own. + +Some of the people, as already said, went for business +reasons, to avoid the suspicion of having to work all +the year round. Others went to Europe to avoid the reproach +of living always in America. Others, perhaps most people, +went for medical reasons, being sent away by their doctors. +Not that they were ill; but the doctors of Plutoria +Avenue, such as Doctor Slyder, always preferred to send +all their patients out of town during the summer months. +No well-to-do doctor cares to be bothered with them. And +of course patients, even when they are anxious to go +anywhere on their own account, much prefer to be sent +there by their doctor. + +"My dear madam," Dr. Slyder would say to a lady who, as +he knew, was most anxious to go to Virginia, "there's +really nothing I can do for you." Here he spoke the truth. +"It's not a case of treatment. It's simply a matter of +dropping everything and going away. Now why don't you go +for a month or two to some quiet place, where you will +simply _do nothing?_" (She never, as he knew, did anything, +anyway.) "What do you say to Hot Springs, +Virginia?--absolute quiet, good golf, not a soul there, +plenty of tennis." Or else he would say, "My dear madam, +you're simply _worn out_. Why don't you just drop everything +and go to Canada?--perfectly quiet, not a soul there, +and, I believe, nowadays quite fashionable." + +Thus, after all the patients had been sent away, Dr. +Slyder and his colleagues of Plutoria Avenue managed to +slip away themselves for a month or two, heading straight +for Paris and Vienna. There they were able, so they said, +to keep in touch with what continental doctors were doing. +They probably were. + +Now it so happened that both the parents of Miss Dulphemia +Rasselyer-Brown had been sent out of town in this fashion. +Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's distressing experience with +Yahi-Bahi had left her in a condition in which she was +utterly fit for nothing, except to go on a Mediterranean +cruise, with about eighty other people also fit for +nothing. + +Mr. Rasselyer-Brown himself, though never exactly an +invalid, had confessed that after all the fuss of the +Yahi-Bahi business he needed bracing up, needed putting +into shape, and had put himself into Dr. Slyder's hands. +The doctor had examined him, questioned him searchingly +as to what he drank, and ended by prescribing port wine +to be taken firmly and unflinchingly during the evening, +and for the daytime, at any moment of exhaustion, a light +cordial such as rye whiskey, or rum and Vichy water. In +addition to which Dr. Slyder had recommended Mr. +Rasselyer-Brown to leave town. + +"Why don't you go down to Nagahakett on the Atlantic?" +he said. + +"Is that in Maine?" said Mr. Rasselyer-Brown in horror. + +"Oh, dear me, no!" answered the doctor reassuringly. +"It's in New Brunswick, Canada; excellent place, most +liberal licence laws; first class cuisine and a bar in +the hotel. No tourists, no golf, too cold to swim--just +the place to enjoy oneself." + +So Mr. Rasselyer-Brown had gone away also, and as a result +Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown, at the particular moment of +which we speak, was declared by the Boudoir and Society +column of the _Plutorian Daily Dollar_ to be staying with +Mr. and Mrs. Newberry at their charming retreat, Castel +Casteggio. + +The Newberrys belonged to the class of people whose one +aim in the summer is to lead the simple life. Mr. Newberry +himself said that his one idea of a vacation was to get +right out into the bush, and put on old clothes, and just +eat when he felt like it. + +This was why he had built Castel Casteggio. It stood +about forty miles from the city, out among the wooded +hills on the shore of a little lake. Except for the +fifteen or twenty residences like it that dotted the +sides of the lake it was entirely isolated. The only way +to reach it was by the motor road that wound its way +among leafy hills from the railway station fifteen miles +away. Every foot of the road was private property, as +all nature ought to be. The whole country about Castel +Casteggio was absolutely primeval, or at any rate as +primeval as Scotch gardeners and French landscape artists +could make it. The lake itself lay like a sparkling gem +from nature's workshop--except that they had raised the +level of it ten feet, stone-banked the sides, cleared +out the brush, and put a motor road round it. Beyond that +it was pure nature. + +Castel Casteggio itself, a beautiful house of white brick +with sweeping piazzas and glittering conservatories, +standing among great trees with rolling lawns broken with +flower-beds as the ground sloped to the lake, was perhaps +the most beautiful house of all; at any rate, it was an +ideal spot to wear old clothes in, to dine early (at +7.30) and, except for tennis parties, motor-boat parties, +lawn teas, and golf, to live absolutely to oneself. + +It should be explained that the house was not called +Castel Casteggio because the Newberrys were Italian: they +were not; nor because they owned estates in Italy: they +didn't nor had travelled there: they hadn't. Indeed, for +a time they had thought of giving it a Welsh name, or a +Scotch. But the beautiful country residence of the +Asterisk-Thomsons had stood close by in the same primeval +country was already called Penny-gw-rydd, and the woodland +retreat of the Hyphen-Joneses just across the little lake +was called Strathythan-na-Clee, and the charming chalet +of the Wilson-Smiths was called Yodel-Dudel; so it seemed +fairer to select an Italian name. + + * * * * * * * + +"By Jove! Miss Furlong, how awfully good of you to come +down!" + +The little suburban train--two cars only, both first +class, for the train went nowhere except out into the +primeval wilderness--had drawn up at the diminutive +roadside station. Mr. Spillikins had alighted, and there +was Miss Philippa Furlong sitting behind the chauffeur +in the Newberrys' motor. She was looking as beautiful as +only the younger sister of a High Church episcopalian +rector can look, dressed in white, the colour of +saintliness, on a beautiful morning in July. + +There was no doubt about Philippa Furlong. Her beauty +was of that peculiar and almost sacred kind found only +in the immediate neighbourhood of the High Church clergy. +It was admitted by all who envied or admired her that +she could enter a church more gracefully, move more +swimmingly up the aisle, and pray better than any girl +on Plutoria Avenue. + +Mr. Spillikins, as he gazed at her in her white summer +dress and wide picture hat, with her parasol nodding +above her head, realized that after all, religion, as +embodied in the younger sisters of the High Church clergy, +fills a great place in the world. + +"By Jove!" he repeated, "how awfully good of you!" + +"Not a bit," said Philippa. "Hop in. Dulphemia was coming, +but she couldn't. Is that all you have with you?" + +The last remark was ironical. It referred to the two +quite large steamer trunks of Mr. Spillikins that were +being loaded, together with his suit-case, tennis racket, +and golf kit, on to the fore part of the motor. Mr. +Spillikins, as a young man of social experience, had +roughed it before. He knew what a lot of clothes one +needs for it. + +So the motor sped away, and went bowling noiselessly over +the oiled road, and turning corners where the green boughs +of the great trees almost swished in their faces, and +rounding and twisting among curves of the hills as it +carried Spillikins and Philippa away from the lower domain +or ordinary fields and farms up into the enchanted country +of private property and the magic castles of Casteggio +and Penny-gw-rydd. + +Mr. Spillikins must have assured Philippa at least a +dozen times in starting off how awfully good it was of +her to come down in the motor; and he was so pleased at +her coming to meet him that Philippa never even hinted +that the truth was that she had expected somebody else +on the same train. For to a girl brought up in the +principles of the High Church the truth is a very sacred +thing. She keeps it to herself. + +And naturally, with such a sympathetic listener, it was +not long before Mr. Spillikins had begun to talk of +Dulphemia and his hopes. + +"I don't know whether she really cares for me or not," +said Mr. Spillikins, "but I have pretty good hope. The +other day, or at least about two months ago, at one of +the Yahi-Bahi meetings--you were not in that, were you?" +he said breaking off. + +"Only just at the beginning," said Philippa; "we went to +Bermuda." + +"Oh yes, I remember. Do you know, I thought it pretty +rough at the end, especially on Ram Spudd. I liked him. +I sent him two pounds of tobacco to the penitentiary last +week; you can get it in to them, you know, if you know +how." + +"But what were you going to say?" asked Philippa. + +"Oh yes," said Mr. Spillikins. And he realized that he +had actually drifted off the topic of Dulphemia, a thing +that had never happened to him before. "I was going to +say that at one of the meetings, you know, I asked her +if I might call her Dulphemia." + +"And what did she say to that?" asked Philippa. + +"She said she didn't care what I called her. So I think +that looks pretty good, don't you?" + +"Awfully good," said Philippa. + +"And a little after that I took her slippers home from +the Charity Ball at the Grand Palaver. Archie Jones took +her home herself in his car, but I took her slippers. +She'd forgotten them. I thought that a pretty good sign, +wasn't it? You wouldn't let a chap carry round your +slippers unless you knew him pretty well, would you, Miss +Philippa?" + +"Oh no, nobody would," said Philippa. This of course, +was a standing principle of the Anglican Church. + +"And a little after that Dulphemia and Charlie Mostyn +and I were walking to Mrs. Buncomhearst's musical, and +we'd only just started along the street, when she stopped +and sent me back for her music--me, mind you, not Charlie. +That seems to me awfully significant." + +"It seems to speak volumes," said Philippa. + +"Doesn't it?" said Mr. Spillikins. "You don't mind my +telling you all about this Miss Philippa?" he added. + +Incidentally Mr. Spillikins felt that it was all right +to call her Miss Philippa, because she had a sister who +was really Miss Furlong, so it would have been quite +wrong, as Mr. Spillikins realized, to have called Miss +Philippa by her surname. In any case, the beauty of the +morning was against it. + +"I don't mind a bit," said Philippa. "I think it's awfully +nice of you to tell me about it." + +She didn't add that she knew all about it already. + +"You see," said Mr. Spillikins, "you're so awfully +sympathetic. It makes it so easy to talk to you. With +other girls, especially with clever ones, even with +Dulphemia. I often feel a perfect jackass beside them. +But I don t feel that way with you at all." + +"Don't you really?" said Philippa, but the honest admiration +in Mr. Spillikin's protruding blue eyes forbade a sarcastic +answer. + +"By Jove!" said Mr. Spillikins presently, with complete +irrelevance, "I hope you don't mind my saying it, but +you look awfully well in white--stunning." He felt that +a man who was affianced, or practically so, was allowed +the smaller liberty of paying honest compliments. + +"Oh, this old thing," laughed Philippa, with a contemptuous +shake of her dress. "But up here, you know, we just wear +anything." She didn't say that this old thing was only +two weeks old and had cost eighty dollars, or the equivalent +of one person's pew rent at St. Asaph's for six months. + +And after that they had only time, so it seemed to Mr. +Spillikins, for two or three remarks, and he had scarcely +had leisure to reflect what a charming girl Philippa had +grown to be since she went to Bermuda--the effect, no +doubt, of the climate of those fortunate islands--when +quite suddenly they rounded a curve into an avenue of +nodding trees, and there were the great lawn and wide +piazzas and the conservatories of Castel Casteggio right +in front of them. + +"Here we are," said Philippa, "and there's Mr. Newberry +out on the lawn." + + * * * * * * * + +"Now, here," Mr. Newberry was saying a little later, +waving his hand, "is where you get what I think the finest +view of the place." + +He was standing at the corner of the lawn where it sloped, +dotted with great trees, to the banks of the little lake, +and was showing Mr. Spillikins the beauties of Castel +Casteggio. + +Mr. Newberry wore on his short circular person the summer +costume of a man taking his ease and careless of dress: +plain white flannel trousers, not worth more than six +dollars a leg, an ordinary white silk shirt with a rolled +collar, that couldn't have cost more than fifteen dollars, +and on his head an ordinary Panama hat, say forty dollars. + +"By Jove!" said Mr. Spillikins, as he looked about him +at the house and the beautiful lawn with its great trees, +"it's a lovely place." + +"Isn't it?" said Mr. Newberry. "But you ought to have +seen it when I took hold of it. To make the motor road +alone I had to dynamite out about a hundred yards of +rock, and then I fetched up cement, tons and tons of it, +and boulders to buttress the embankment." + +"Did you really!" said Mr. Spillikins, looking at Mr. +Newberry with great respect. + +"Yes, and even that was nothing to the house itself. Do +you know, I had to go at least forty feet for the +foundations. First I went through about twenty feet of +loose clay, after that I struck sand, and I'd no sooner +got through that than, by George! I landed in eight feet +of water. I had to pump it out; I think I took out a +thousand gallons before I got clear down to the rock. +Then I took my solid steel beams in fifty-foot lengths," +here Mr. Newberry imitated with his arms the action of +a man setting up a steel beam, "and set them upright and +bolted them on the rock. After that I threw my steel +girders across, clapped on my roof rafters, all steel, +in sixty-foot pieces, and then just held it easily, just +supported it a bit, and let it sink gradually to its +place." + +Mr. Newberry illustrated with his two arms the action of +a huge house being allowed to sink slowly to a firm rest. + +"You don't say so!" said Mr. Spillikins, lost in amazement +at the wonderful physical strength that Mr. Newberry must +have. + +"Excuse me just a minute," broke off Mr. Newberry, "while +I smooth out the gravel where you're standing. You've +rather disturbed it, I'm afraid." + +"Oh, I'm awfully sorry," said Mr. Spillikins. + +"Oh, not at all, not at all," said his host. "I don't +mind in the least. It's only on account of McAlister." + +"Who?" asked Mr. Spillikins. + +"My gardener. He doesn't care to have us walk on the +gravel paths. It scuffs up the gravel so. But sometimes +one forgets." + +It should be said here, for the sake of clearness, that +one of the chief glories of Castel Casteggio lay in its +servants. All of them, it goes without saying, had been +brought from Great Britain. The comfort they gave to Mr. +and Mrs. Newberry was unspeakable. In fact, as they +themselves admitted, servants of the kind are simply not +to be found in America. + +"Our Scotch gardener," Mrs. Newberry always explained +"is a perfect character. I don't know how we could get +another like him. Do you know, my dear, he simply won't +allow us to pick the roses; and if any of us walk across +the grass he is furious. And he positively refuses to +let us use the vegetables. He told me quite plainly that +if we took any of his young peas or his early cucumbers +he would leave. We are to have them later on when he's +finished growing them." + +"How delightful it is to have servants of that sort," +the lady addressed would murmur; "so devoted and so +different from servants on this side of the water. Just +imagine, my dear, my chauffeur, when I was in Colorado, +actually threatened to leave me merely because I wanted +to reduce his wages. I think it's these wretched labour +unions." + +"I'm sure it is. Of course we have trouble with McAlister +at times, but he's always very reasonable when we put +things in the right light. Last week, for example, I was +afraid that we had gone too far with him. He is always +accustomed to have a quart of beer every morning at +half-past ten--the maids are told to bring it out to him, +and after that he goes to sleep in the little arbour +beside the tulip bed. And the other day when he went +there he found that one of our guests who hadn't been +told, was actually sitting in there reading. Of course +he was _furious_. I was afraid for the moment that he would +give notice on the spot." + +"What _would_ you have done?" + +"Positively, my dear, I don't know. But we explained to +him at once that it was only an accident and that the +person hadn't known and that of course it wouldn't occur +again. After that he was softened a little, but he went +off muttering to himself, and that evening he dug up all +the new tulips and threw them over the fence. We saw him +do it, but we didn't dare say anything." + +"Oh no," echoed the other lady; "if you had you might +have lost him." + +"Exactly. And I don't think we could possibly get another +man like him; at least, not on this side of the water." + + * * * * * * * + +"But come," said Mr. Newberry, after he had finished +adjusting the gravel with his foot, "there are Mrs. +Newberry and the girls on the verandah. Let's go and join +them." + +A few minutes later Mr. Spillikins was talking with Mrs. +Newberry and Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown, and telling Mrs. +Newberry what a beautiful house she had. Beside them +stood Philippa Furlong, and she had her arm around +Dulphemia's waist; and the picture that they thus made, +with their heads close together, Dulphemia's hair being +golden and Philippa's chestnut-brown, was such that Mr. +Spillikins had no eyes for Mrs. Newberry nor for Castel +Casteggio nor for anything. So much so that he practically +didn't see at all the little girl in green that stood +unobtrusively on the further side of Mrs. Newberry. +Indeed, though somebody had murmured her name in +introduction, he couldn't have repeated it if asked two +minutes afterwards. His eyes and his mind were elsewhere. + +But hers were not. + +For the Little Girl in Green looked at Mr. Spillikins +with wide eyes, and when she looked at him she saw all +at once such wonderful things about him as nobody had +ever seen before. + +For she could see from the poise of his head how awfully +clever he was; and from the way he stood with his hands +in his side pockets she could see how manly and brave he +must be; and of course there was firmness and strength +written all over him. In short, she saw as she looked +such a Peter Spillikins as truly never existed, or could +exist--or at least such a Peter Spillikins as no one else +in the world had ever suspected before. + +All in a moment she was ever so glad that she accepted +Mrs. Newberry's invitation to Castel Casteggio and hadn't +been afraid to come. For the Little Girl in Green, whose +Christian name was Norah, was only what is called a poor +relation of Mrs. Newberry, and her father was a person +of no account whatever, who didn't belong to the Mausoleum +Club or to any other club, and who lived, with Norah, on +a street that nobody who was anybody lived upon. Norah +had been asked up a few days before out of the City to +give her air--which is the only thing that can be safely +and freely given to poor relations. Thus she had arrived +at Castel Casteggio with one diminutive trunk, so small +and shabby that even the servants who carried it upstairs +were ashamed of it. In it were a pair of brand new tennis +shoes (at ninety cents reduced to seventy-five) and a +white dress of the kind that is called "almost evening," +and such few other things as poor relations might bring +with fear and trembling to join in the simple rusticity +of the rich. + +Thus stood Norah looking at Mr. Spillikins. + +As for him, such is the contrariety of human things, he +had no eyes for her at all. + +"What a perfectly charming house this is," Mr. Spillikins +was saying. He always said this on such occasions, but +it seemed to the Little Girl in Green that he spoke with +wonderful social ease. + +"I am so glad you think so," said Mrs. Newberry (this +was what she always answered); "you've no idea what work +it has been. This year we put in all this new glass in +the east conservatory, over a thousand panes. Such a +tremendous business!" + +"I was just telling Mr. Spillikins," said Mr. Newberry, +"about the work we had blasting out the motor road. You +can see the gap where it lies better from here, I think, +Spillikins. I must have exploded a ton and a half of +dynamite on it." + +"By Jove!" said Mr. Spillikins; "it must be dangerous +work eh? I wonder you aren't afraid of it." + +"One simply gets used to it, that's all," said Newberry, +shrugging his shoulders; "but of course it is dangerous. +I blew up two Italians on the last job." He paused a +minute and added musingly, "Hardy fellows, the Italians. +I prefer them to any other people for blasting." + +"Did you blow them up yourself?" asked Mr. Spillikins. + +"I wasn't here," answered Mr. Newberry. "In fact, I never +care to be here when I'm blasting. We go to town. But I +had to foot the bill for them all the same. Quite right, +too. The risk, of course, was mine, not theirs; that's +the law, you know. They cost me two thousand each." + +"But come," said Mrs. Newberry, "I think we must go and +dress for dinner. Franklin will be frightfully put out +if we're late. Franklin is our butler," she went on, +seeing that Mr. Spillikins didn't understand the reference, +"and as we brought him out from England we have to be +rather careful. With a good man like Franklin one is +always so afraid of losing him--and after last night we +have to be doubly careful." + +"Why last night?" asked Mr. Spillikins. + +"Oh, it wasn't much," said Mrs. Newberry. "In fact, it +was merely an accident. Only it just chanced that at +dinner, quite late in the meal, when we had had nearly +everything (we dine very simply here, Mr. Spillikins), +Mr. Newberry, who was thirsty and who wasn't really +thinking what he was saying, asked Franklin to give him +a glass of hock. Franklin said at once, 'I'm very sorry, +sir, I don't care to serve hock after the entree!'" + +"And of course he was right," said Dulphemia with emphasis. +"Exactly; he was perfectly right. They know, you know. +We were afraid that there might be trouble, but Mr. +Newberry went and saw Franklin afterwards and he behaved +very well over it. But suppose we go and dress? It's +half-past six already and we've only an hour." + + * * * * * * * + +In this congenial company Mr. Spillikins spent the next +three days. + +Life at Castel Casteggio, as the Newberrys loved to +explain, was conducted on the very simplest plan. Early +breakfast, country fashion, at nine o'clock; after that +nothing to eat till lunch, unless one cared to have +lemonade or bottled ale sent out with a biscuit or a +macaroon to the tennis court. Lunch itself was a perfectly +plain midday meal, lasting till about 1.30, and consisting +simply of cold meats (say four kinds) and salads, with +perhaps a made dish or two, and, for anybody who cared +for it, a hot steak or a chop, or both. After that one +had coffee and cigarettes in the shade of the piazza and +waited for afternoon tea. This latter was served at a +wicker table in any part of the grounds that the gardener +was not at that moment clipping, trimming, or otherwise +using. Afternoon tea being over, one rested or walked on +the lawn till it was time to dress for dinner. + +This simple routine was broken only by irruptions of +people in motors or motor boats from Penny-gw-rydd or +Yodel-Dudel Chalet. + +The whole thing, from the point of view of Mr. Spillikins +or Dulphemia or Philippa, represented rusticity itself. + +To the Little Girl in Green it seemed as brilliant as +the Court of Versailles; especially evening dinner--a +plain home meal as the others thought it--when she had +four glasses to drink out of and used to wonder over such +problems as whether you were supposed, when Franklin +poured out wine, to tell him to stop or to wait till he +stopped without being told to stop; and other similar +mysteries, such as many people before and after have +meditated upon. + +During all this time Mr. Spillikins was nerving himself +to propose to Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown. In fact, he +spent part of his time walking up and down under the +trees with Philippa Furlong and discussing with her the +proposal that he meant to make, together with such topics +as marriage in general and his own unworthiness. + +He might have waited indefinitely had he not learned, +on the third day of his visit, that Dulphemia was to go +away in the morning to join her father at Nagahakett. + +That evening he found the necessary nerve to speak, and +the proposal in almost every aspect of it was most +successful. + +"By Jove!" Spillikins said to Philippa Furlong next +morning, in explaining what had happened, "she was awfully +nice about it. I think she must have guessed, in a way, +don't you, what I was going to say? But at any rate she +was awfully nice--let me say everything I wanted, and +when I explained what a fool I was, she said she didn't +think I was half such a fool as people thought me. But +it's all right. It turns out that she isn't thinking of +getting married. I asked her if I might always go on +thinking of her, and she said I might." + +And that morning when Dulphemia was carried off in the +motor to the station, Mr. Spillikins, without exactly +being aware how he had done it, had somehow transferred +himself to Philippa. + +"Isn't she a splendid girl!" he said at least ten times +a day to Norah, the Little Girl in Green. And Norah always +agreed, because she really thought Philippa a perfectly +wonderful creature. There is no doubt that, but for a +slight shift of circumstances, Mr. Spillikins would have +proposed to Miss Furlong. Indeed, he spent a good part +of his time rehearsing little speeches that began, "Of +course I know I'm an awful ass in a way," or, "Of course +I know that I'm not at all the sort of fellow," and so +on. + +But not one of them ever was delivered. + +For it so happened that on the Thursday, one week after +Mr. Spillikins's arrival, Philippa went again to the +station in the motor. And when she came back there was +another passenger with her, a tall young man in tweed, +and they both began calling out to the Newberrys from a +distance of at least a hundred yards. + +And both the Newberrys suddenly exclaimed, "Why, it's +Tom!" and rushed off to meet the motor. And there was +such a laughing and jubilation as the two descended and +carried Tom's valises to the verandah, that Mr. Spillikins +felt as suddenly and completely out of it as the Little +Girl in Green herself--especially as his ear had caught, +among the first things said, the words, "Congratulate +us, Mrs. Newberry, we're engaged." + +After which Mr. Spillikins had the pleasure of sitting +and listening while it was explained in wicker chairs on +the verandah, that Philippa and Tom had been engaged +already for ever so long--in fact, nearly two weeks, only +they had agreed not to say a word to anybody till Tom +had gone to North Carolina and back, to see his people. + +And as to who Tom was, or what was the relation between +Tom and the Newberrys, Mr. Spillikins neither knew or +cared; nor did it interest him in the least that Philippa +had met Tom in Bermuda, and that she hadn't known that +he even knew the Newberry's nor any other of the exuberant +disclosures of the moment. In fact, if there was any one +period rather than another when Mr. Spillikins felt +corroborated in his private view of himself, it was at +this moment. + +So the next day Tom and Philippa vanished together. + +"We shall be quite a small party now," said Mrs. Newberry; +"in fact, quite by ourselves till Mrs. Everleigh comes, +and she won't be here for a fortnight." + +At which the heart of the Little Girl in Green was glad, +because she had been afraid that other girls might be +coming, whereas she knew that Mrs. Everleigh was a widow +with four sons and must be ever so old, past forty. + +The next few days were spent by Mr. Spillikins almost +entirely in the society of Norah. He thought them on the +whole rather pleasant days, but slow. To her they were +an uninterrupted dream of happiness never to be forgotten. + +The Newberrys left them to themselves; not with any +intent; it was merely that they were perpetually busy +walking about the grounds of Castel Casteggio, blowing +up things with dynamite, throwing steel bridges over +gullies, and hoisting heavy timber with derricks. Nor +were they to blame for it. For it had not always been +theirs to command dynamite and control the forces of +nature. There had been a time, now long ago, when the +two Newberrys had lived, both of them, on twenty dollars +a week, and Mrs. Newberry had made her own dresses, and +Mr. Newberry had spent vigorous evenings in making +hand-made shelves for their sitting-room. That was long +ago, and since then Mr. Newberry, like many other people +of those earlier days, had risen to wealth and Castel +Casteggio, while others, like Norah's father, had stayed +just where they were. + +So the Newberrys left Peter and Norah to themselves all +day. Even after dinner, in the evening, Mr. Newberry was +very apt to call to his wife in the dusk from some distant +corner of the lawn: + +"Margaret, come over here and tell me if you don't think +we might cut down this elm, tear the stump out by the +roots, and throw it into the ravine." + +And the answer was, "One minute, Edward; just wait till +I get a wrap." + +Before they came back, the dusk had grown to darkness, +and they had redynamited half the estate. + +During all of which time Mr. Spillikins sat with Norah +on the piazza. He talked and she listened. He told her, +for instance, all about his terrific experiences in the +oil business, and about his exciting career at college; +or presently they went indoors and Norah played the piano +and Mr. Spillikins sat and smoked and listened. In such +a house as the Newberry's, where dynamite and the greater +explosives were everyday matters, a little thing like +the use of tobacco in the drawing-room didn't count. As +for the music, "Go right ahead," said Mr. Spillikins; +"I'm not musical, but I don't mind music a bit." + +In the daytime they played tennis. There was a court at +one end of the lawn beneath the trees, all chequered with +sunlight and mingled shadow; very beautiful, Norah thought, +though Mr. Spillikins explained that the spotted light +put him off his game. In fact, it was owing entirely to +this bad light that Mr. Spillikins's fast drives, wonderful +though they were, somehow never got inside the service +court. + +Norah, of course, thought Mr. Spillikins a wonderful +player. She was glad--in fact, it suited them both--when +he beat her six to nothing. She didn't know and didn't +care that there was no one else in the world that Mr. +Spillikins could beat like that. Once he even said to +her. + +"By Gad! you don't play half a bad game, you know. I +think you know, with practice you'd come on quite a lot." + +After that the games were understood to be more or less +in the form of lessons, which put Mr. Spillikins on a +pedestal of superiority, and allowed any bad strokes on +his part to be viewed as a form of indulgence. + +Also, as the tennis was viewed in this light, it was +Norah's part to pick up the balls at the net and throw +them back to Mr. Spillikins. He let her do this, not from +rudeness, for it wasn't in him, but because in such a +primeval place as Castel Casteggio the natural primitive +relation of the sexes is bound to reassert itself. + +But of love Mr. Spillikins never thought. He had viewed +it so eagerly and so often from a distance that when it +stood here modestly at his very elbow he did not recognize +its presence. His mind had been fashioned, as it were, +to connect love with something stunning and sensational, +with Easter hats and harem skirts and the luxurious +consciousness of the unattainable. + +Even at that, there is no knowing what might have happened. +Tennis, in the chequered light of sun and shadow cast by +summer leaves, is a dangerous game. There came a day when +they were standing one each side of the net and Mr. +Spillikins was explaining to Norah the proper way to hold +a racquet so as to be able to give those magnificent +backhand sweeps of his, by which he generally drove the +ball halfway to the lake; and explaining this involved +putting his hand right over Norah's on the handle of the +racquet, so that for just half a second her hand was +clasped tight in his; and if that half-second had been +lengthened out into a whole second it is quite possible +that what was already subconscious in his mind would have +broken its way triumphantly to the surface, and Norah's +hand would have stayed in his--how willingly--! for the +rest of their two lives. + +But just at that moment Mr. Spillikins looked up, and he +said in quite an altered tone. + +"By Jove! who's that awfully good-looking woman getting +out of the motor?" + +And their hands unclasped. Norah looked over towards the +house and said: + +"Why, it's Mrs. Everleigh. I thought she wasn't coming +for another week." + +"I say," said Mr. Spillikins, straining his short sight +to the uttermost, "what perfectly wonderful golden hair, +eh?" "Why, it's--" Norah began, and then she stopped. It +didn't seem right to explain that Mrs. Everleigh's hair +was dyed. "And who's that tall chap standing beside +her?" said Mr. Spillikins. + +"I think it's Captain Cormorant, but I don't think he's +going to stay. He's only brought her up in the motor from +town." "By Jove, how good of him!" said Spillikins; and +this sentiment in regard to Captain Cormorant, though +he didn't know it, was to become a keynote of his existence. + +"I didn't know she was coming so soon," said Norah, and +there was weariness already in her heart. Certainly she +didn't know it; still less did she know, or anyone else, +that the reason of Mrs. Everleigh's coming was because +Mr. Spillikins was there. She came with a set purpose, +and she sent Captain Cormorant directly back in the motor +because she didn't want him on the premises. + +"Oughtn't we to go up to the house?" said Norah. + +"All right," said Mr. Spillikins with great alacrity, +"let's go." + + * * * * * * * + +Now as this story began with the information that Mrs. +Everleigh is at present Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins, there +is no need to pursue in detail the stages of Mr. +Spillikins's wooing. Its course was swift and happy. Mr. +Spillikins, having seen the back of Mrs. Everleigh's +head, had decided instantly that she was the most beautiful +woman in the world; and that impression is not easily +corrected in the half-light of a shaded drawing-room; +nor across a dinner-table lighted only with candles with +deep red shades; nor even in the daytime through a veil. +In any case, it is only fair to state that if Mrs. +Everleigh was not and is not a singularly beautiful woman, +Mr. Spillikins still doesn't know it. And in point of +attraction the homage of such experts as Captain Cormorant +and Lieutenant Hawk speaks for itself. + +So the course of Mr. Spillikins's love, for love it must +have been, ran swiftly to its goal. Each stage of it was +duly marked by his comments to Norah. + +"She _is_ a splendid woman," he said, "so sympathetic. She +always seems to know just what one's going to say." + +So she did, for she was making him say it. + +"By Jove!" he said a day later, "Mrs. Everleigh's an +awfully fine woman, isn't she? I was telling her about +my having been in the oil business for a little while, +and she thinks that I'd really be awfully good in money +things. She said she wished she had me to manage her +money for her." + +This also was quite true, except that Mrs. Everleigh had +not made it quite clear that the management of her money +was of the form generally known as deficit financing. In +fact, her money was, very crudely stated, nonexistent, +and it needed a lot of management. + +A day or two later Mr. Spillikins was saying, "I think +Mrs. Everleigh must have had great sorrow, don't you? +Yesterday she was showing me a photograph of her little +boy--she has a little boy you know--" + +"Yes, I know," said Norah. She didn't add that she knew +that Mrs. Everleigh had four. + +"--and she was saying how awfully rough it is having him +always away from her at Dr. Something's academy where he +is." + +And very soon after that Mr. Spillikins was saying, with +quite a quaver in his voice, + +"By Jove! yes, I'm awfully lucky; I never thought for a +moment that she'd have me, you know--a woman like her, +with so much attention and everything. I can't imagine +what she sees in me." + +Which was just as well. + +And then Mr. Spillikins checked himself, for he +noticed--this was on the verandah in the morning--that +Norah had a hat and jacket on and that the motor was +rolling towards the door. + +"I say," he said, "are you going away?" + +"Yes, didn't you know?" Norah said. "I thought you heard +them speaking of it at dinner last night. I have to go +home; father's alone, you know." + +"Oh, I'm awfully sorry," said Mr. Spillikins; "we shan't +have any more tennis." + +"Goodbye," said Norah, and as she said it and put out +her hand there were tears brimming up into her eyes. But +Mr. Spillikins, being short of sight, didn't see them. + +"Goodbye," he said. + +Then as the motor carried her away he stood for a moment +in a sort of reverie. Perhaps certain things that might +have been rose unformed and inarticulate before his mind. +And then, a voice called from the drawing-room within, +in a measured and assured tone, + +"Peter, darling, where are you?" + +"Coming," cried Mr. Spillikins, and he came. + + * * * * * * * + +On the second day of the engagement Mrs. Everleigh showed +to Peter a little photograph in a brooch. + +"This is Gib, my second little boy," she said. + +Mr. Spillikins started to say, "I didn't know--" and then +checked himself and said, "By Gad! what a fine-looking +little chap, eh? I'm awfully fond of boys." + +"Dear little fellow, isn't he?" said Mrs. Everleigh. +"He's really rather taller than that now, because this +picture was taken a little while ago." + +And the next day she said, "This is Willie, my third +boy," and on the day after that she said, "This is Sib, +my youngest boy; I'm sure you'll love him." + +"I'm sure I shall," said Mr. Spillikins. He loved him +already for being the youngest. + + * * * * * * * + +And so in the fulness of time--nor was it so very full +either, in fact, only about five weeks--Peter Spillikins +and Mrs. Everleigh were married in St. Asaph's Church on +Plutoria Avenue. And the wedding was one of the most +beautiful and sumptuous of the weddings of the September +season. There were flowers, and bridesmaids in long veils, +and tall ushers in frock-coats, and awnings at the church +door, and strings of motors with wedding-favours on +imported chauffeurs, and all that goes to invest marriage +on Plutoria Avenue with its peculiar sacredness. The face +of the young rector, Mr. Fareforth Furlong, wore the +added saintliness that springs from a five-hundred dollar +fee. The whole town was there, or at least everybody that +was anybody; and if there was one person absent, one who +sat by herself in the darkened drawing-room of a dull +little house on a shabby street, who knew or cared? + +So after the ceremony the happy couple--for were they +not so?--left for New York. There they spent their +honeymoon. They had thought of going--it was Mr. +Spillikins's idea--to the coast of Maine. But Mrs. +Everleigh-Spillikins said that New York was much nicer, +so restful, whereas, as everyone knows, the coast of +Maine is frightfully noisy. + +Moreover, it so happened that before the +Everleigh-Spillikinses had been more than four or five +days in New York the ship of Captain Cormorant dropped +anchor in the Hudson; and when the anchor of that ship +was once down it generally stayed there. So the captain +was able to take the Everleigh-Spillikinses about in New +York, and to give a tea for Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins +on the deck of his vessel so that she might meet the +officers, and another tea in a private room of a restaurant +on Fifth Avenue so that she might meet no one but himself. + +And at this tea Captain Cormorant said, among other +things, "Did he kick up rough at all when you told him +about the money?" + +And Mrs. Everleigh, now Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins, said, +"Not he! I think he is actually pleased to know that I +haven't any. Do you know, Arthur, he's really an awfully +good fellow," and as she said it she moved her hand away +from under Captain Cormorant's on the tea-table. + +"I say," said the Captain, "don't get sentimental over +him." + + * * * * * * * + +So that is how it is that the Everleigh-Spillikinses came +to reside on Plutoria Avenue in a beautiful stone house, +with a billiard-room in an extension on the second floor. +Through the windows of it one can almost hear the click +of the billiard balls, and a voice saying, "Hold on, +father, you had your shot." + + + +CHAPTER SIX: The Rival Churches of St. Asaph and St. Osoph + +The church of St. Asaph, more properly call St. Asaph's +in the Fields, stands among the elm trees of Plutoria +Avenue opposite the university, its tall spire pointing +to the blue sky. Its rector is fond of saying that it +seems to him to point, as it were, a warning against the +sins of a commercial age. More particularly does he say +this in his Lenten services at noonday, when the businessmen +sit in front of him in rows, their bald heads uncovered +and their faces stamped with contrition as they think of +mergers that they should have made, and real estate that +they failed to buy for lack of faith. + +The ground on which St. Asaph's stands is worth seven +dollars and a half a foot. The mortgagees, as they kneel +in prayer in their long frock-coats, feel that they have +built upon a rock. It is a beautifully appointed church. +There are windows with priceless stained glass that were +imported from Normandy, the rector himself swearing out +the invoices to save the congregation the grievous burden +of the customs duty. There is a pipe organ in the transept +that cost ten thousand dollars to install. The +debenture-holders, as they join in the morning anthem, +love to hear the dulcet notes of the great organ and to +reflect that it is as good as new. Just behind the church +is St. Asaph's Sunday School, with a ten-thousand dollar +mortgage of its own. And below that again on the side +street, is the building of the Young Men's Guild with a +bowling-alley and a swimming-bath deep enough to drown +two young men at a time, and a billiard-room with seven +tables. It is the rector's boast that with a Guild House +such as that there is no need for any young man of the +congregation to frequent a saloon. Nor is there. + +And on Sunday mornings, when the great organ plays, and +the mortgagees and the bond-holders and the +debenture-holders and the Sunday school teachers and the +billiard-markers all lift up their voices together, there +is emitted from St. Asaph's a volume of praise that is +practically as fine and effective as paid professional +work. + +St. Asaph's is episcopal. As a consequence it has in it +and about it all those things which go to make up the +episcopal church--brass tablets let into its walls, +blackbirds singing in its elm trees, parishioners who +dine at eight o'clock, and a rector who wears a little +crucifix and dances the tango. + +On the other hand, there stands upon the same street, +not a hundred yards away, the rival church of St. +Osoph--presbyterian down to its very foundations in +bed-rock, thirty feet below the level of the avenue. It +has a short, squat tower--and a low roof, and its narrow +windows are glazed with frosted glass. It has dark spruce +trees instead of elms, crows instead of blackbirds, and +a gloomy minister with a shovel hat who lectures on +philosophy on week-days at the university. He loves to +think that his congregation are made of the lowly and +the meek in spirit, and to reflect that, lowly and meek +as they are, there are men among them that could buy out +half the congregation of St. Asaph's. + +St. Osoph's is only presbyterian in a special sense. It +is, in fact, too presbyterian to be any longer connected +with any other body whatsoever. It seceded some forty +years ago from the original body to which it belonged, +and later on, with three other churches, it seceded from +the group of seceding congregations. Still later it fell +into a difference with the three other churches on the +question of eternal punishment, the word "eternal" not +appearing to the elders of St. Osoph's to designate a +sufficiently long period. The dispute ended in a secession +which left the church of St. Osoph practically isolated +in a world of sin whose approaching fate it neither denied +nor deplored. + +In one respect the rival churches of Plutoria Avenue had +had a similar history. Each of them had moved up by +successive stages from the lower and poorer parts of the +city. Forty years ago St. Asaph's had been nothing more +than a little frame church with a tin spire, away in the +west of the slums, and St. Osoph's a square, diminutive +building away in the east. But the site of St. Asaph's +had been bought by a brewing company, and the trustees, +shrewd men of business, themselves rising into wealth, +had rebuilt it right in the track of the advancing tide +of a real estate boom. The elders of St. Osoph, quiet +men, but illumined by an inner light, had followed suit +and moved their church right against the side of an +expanding distillery. Thus both the churches, as decade +followed decade, made their way up the slope of the City +till St. Asaph's was presently gloriously expropriated +by the street railway company, and planted its spire in +triumph on Plutoria Avenue itself. But St. Osoph's +followed. With each change of site it moved nearer and +nearer to St. Asaph's. Its elders were shrewd men. With +each move of their church they took careful thought in +the rebuilding. In the manufacturing district it was +built with sixteen windows on each side and was converted +at a huge profit into a bicycle factory. On the residential +street it was made long and deep and was sold to a +moving-picture company without the alteration of so much +as a pew. As a last step a syndicate, formed among the +members of the congregation themselves, bought ground on +Plutoria Avenue, and sublet it to themselves as a site +for the church, at a nominal interest of five per cent +per annum, payable nominally every three months and +secured by a nominal mortgage. + +As the two churches moved, their congregations, or at +least all that was best of them--such members as were +sharing in the rising fortunes of the City--moved also, +and now for some six or seven years the two churches and +the two congregations had confronted one another among +the elm trees of the Avenue opposite to the university. + +But at this point the fortunes of the churches had +diverged. St. Asaph's was a brilliant success; St. Osoph's +was a failure. Even its own trustees couldn't deny it. +At a time when St. Asaph's was not only paying its interest +but showing a handsome surplus on everything it undertook, +the church of St. Osoph was moving steadily backwards. + +There was no doubt, of course, as to the cause. Everybody +knew it. It was simply a question of men, and, as everybody +said, one had only to compare the two men conducting the +churches to see why one succeeded and the other failed. + +The Reverend Edward Fareforth Furlong of St. Asaph's was +a man who threw his whole energy into his parish work. +The subtleties of theological controversy he left to +minds less active than his own. His creed was one of +works rather than of words, and whatever he was doing he +did it with his whole heart. Whether he was lunching at +the Mausoleum Club with one of his church wardens, or +playing the flute--which he played as only the episcopal +clergy can play it--accompanied on the harp by one of +the fairest of the ladies of his choir, or whether he +was dancing the new episcopal tango with the younger +daughters of the elder parishioners, he threw himself +into it with all his might. He could drink tea more +gracefully and play tennis better than any clergyman on +this side of the Atlantic. He could stand beside the +white stone font of St. Asaph's in his long white surplice +holding a white-robed infant, worth half a million dollars, +looking as beautifully innocent as the child itself, and +drawing from every matron of the congregation with +unmarried daughters the despairing cry, "What a pity that +he has no children of his own!" + +Equally sound was his theology. No man was known to preach +shorter sermons or to explain away the book of Genesis +more agreeably than the rector of St. Asaph's; and if he +found it necessary to refer to the Deity he did so under +the name of Jehovah or Jah, or even Yaweh in a manner +calculated not to hurt the sensitiveness of any of the +parishioners. People who would shudder at brutal talk of +the older fashion about the wrath of God listened with +well-bred interest to a sermon on the personal +characteristics of Jah. In the same way Mr. Furlong always +referred to the devil, not as Satan but as Su or Swa, +which took all the sting out of him. Beelzebub he spoke +of as Behel-Zawbab, which rendered him perfectly harmless. +The Garden of Eden he spoke of as the Paradeisos, which +explained it entirely; the flood as the Diluvium, which +cleared it up completely; and Jonah he named, after the +correct fashion Jon Nah, which put the whole situation +(his being swallowed by Baloo or the Great Lizard) on a +perfectly satisfactory footing. Hell itself was spoken +of as She-ol, and it appeared that it was not a place of +burning, but rather of what one might describe as moral +torment. This settled She-ol once and for all: nobody +minds moral torment. In short, there was nothing in the +theological system of Mr. Furlong that need have occasioned +in any of his congregation a moment's discomfort. + +There could be no greater contrast with Mr. Fareforth +Furlong than the minister of St. Osoph's, the Rev. Dr. +McTeague, who was also honorary professor of philosophy +at the university. The one was young, the other was old; +the one could dance the other could not; the one moved +about at church picnics and lawn teas among a bevy of +disciples in pink and blue sashes; the other moped around +under the trees of the university campus with blinking +eyes that saw nothing and an abstracted mind that had +spent fifty years in trying to reconcile Hegel with St. +Paul, and was still busy with it. Mr. Furlong went forward +with the times; Dr. McTeague slid quietly backwards with +the centuries. + +Dr. McTeague was a failure, and all his congregation knew +it. "He is not up to date," they said. That was his +crowning sin. "He don't go forward any," said the business +members of the congregation. "That old man believes just +exactly the same sort of stuff now that he did forty +years ago. What's more, he preaches it. You can't run a +church that way, can you?" + +His trustees had done their best to meet the difficulty. +They had offered Dr. McTeague a two-years' vacation to +go and see the Holy Land. He refused; he said he could +picture it. They reduced his salary by fifty per cent; +he never noticed it. They offered him an assistant; but +he shook his head, saying that he didn't know where he +could find a man to do just the work that he was doing. +Meantime he mooned about among the trees concocting a +mixture of St. Paul with Hegel, three parts to one, for +his Sunday sermon, and one part to three for his Monday +lecture. + +No doubt it was his dual function that was to blame for +his failure. And this, perhaps, was the fault of Dr. +Boomer, the president of the university. Dr. Boomer, like +all university presidents of today, belonged to the +presbyterian church; or rather, to state it more correctly, +he included presbyterianism within himself. He was of +course, a member of the board of management of St. Osoph's +and it was he who had urged, very strongly, the appointment +of Dr. McTeague, then senior professor of philosophy, as +minister. + +"A saintly man," he said, "the very man for the post. If +you should ask me whether he is entirely at home as a +professor of philosophy on our staff at the university, +I should be compelled to say no. We are forced to admit +that as a lecturer he does not meet our views. He appears +to find it difficult to keep religion out of his teaching. +In fact, his lectures are suffused with a rather dangerous +attempt at moral teaching which is apt to contaminate +our students. But in the Church I should imagine that +would be, if anything, an advantage. Indeed, if you were +to come to me and say, 'Boomer, we wish to appoint Dr. +McTeague as our minister,' I should say, quite frankly, +'Take him.'" + +So Dr. McTeague had been appointed. Then, to the surprise +of everybody he refused to give up his lectures in +philosophy. He said he felt a call to give them. The +salary, he said, was of no consequence. He wrote to Mr. +Furlong senior (the father of the episcopal rector and +honorary treasurer of the Plutoria University) and stated +that he proposed to give his lectures for nothing. The +trustees of the college protested; they urged that the +case might set a dangerous precedent which other professors +might follow. While fully admitting that Dr. McTeague's +lectures were well worth giving for nothing, they begged +him to reconsider his offer. But he refused; and from +that day on, in spite of all offers that he should retire +on double his salary, that he should visit the Holy Land, +or Syria, or Armenia, where the dreadful massacres of +Christians were taking place, Dr. McTeague clung to his +post with a tenacity worthy of the best traditions of +Scotland. His only internal perplexity was that he didn't +see how, when the time came for him to die, twenty or +thirty years hence, they would ever be able to replace +him. Such was the situation of the two churches on a +certain beautiful morning in June, when an unforeseen +event altered entirely the current of their fortunes. + + * * * * * * * + +"No, thank you, Juliana," said the young rector to his +sister across the breakfast table--and there was something +as near to bitterness in his look as his saintly, +smooth-shaven face was capable of reflecting--"no, thank +you, no more porridge. Prunes? no, no, thank you; I don't +think I care for any. And, by the way," he added, "don't +bother to keep any lunch for me. I have a great deal of +business--that is, of work in the parish--to see to, and +I must just find time to get a bite of something to eat +when and where I can." + +In his own mind he was resolving that the place should +be the Mausoleum Club and the time just as soon as the +head waiter would serve him. + +After which the Reverend Edward Fareforth Furlong bowed +his head for a moment in a short, silent blessing--the +one prescribed by the episcopal church in America for a +breakfast of porridge and prunes. + +It was their first breakfast together, and it spoke +volumes to the rector. He knew what it implied. It stood +for his elder sister Juliana's views on the need of +personal sacrifice as a means of grace. The rector sighed +as he rose. He had never missed his younger sister +Philippa, now married and departed, so keenly. Philippa +had had opinions of her own on bacon and eggs and on lamb +chops with watercress as a means of stimulating the soul. +But Juliana was different. The rector understood now +exactly why it was that his father had exclaimed, on the +news of Philippa's engagement, without a second's +hesitation, "Then, of course, Juliana must live with you! +Nonsense, my dear boy, nonsense! It's my duty to spare +her to you. After all, I can always eat at the club; they +can give me a bite of something or other, surely. To a +man of my age, Edward, food is really of no consequence. +No, no; Juliana must move into the rectory at once." + +The rector's elder sister rose. She looked tall and sallow +and forbidding in the plain black dress that contrasted +sadly with the charming clerical costumes of white and +pink and the broad episcopal hats with flowers in them +that Philippa used to wear for morning work in the parish. + +"For what time shall I order dinner?" she asked. "You +and Philippa used to have it at half-past seven, did you +not? Don't you think that rather too late?" + +"A trifle perhaps," said the rector uneasily. He didn't +care to explain to Juliana that it was impossible to get +home any earlier from the kind of _the dansant_ that +everybody was giving just now. "But don't trouble about +dinner. I may be working very late. If I need anything +to eat I shall get a biscuit and some tea at the Guild +Rooms, or--" + +He didn't finish the sentence, but in his mind he added, +"or else a really first-class dinner at the Mausoleum +Club, or at the Newberrys' or the Rasselyer-Browns'-- +anywhere except here." + +"If you are going, then," said Juliana, "may I have the +key of the church." + +A look of pain passed over the rector's face. He knew +perfectly well what Juliana wanted the key for. She meant +to go into his church and pray in it. + +The rector of St. Asaph's was, he trusted, as broad-minded +a man as an Anglican clergyman ought to be. He had no +objection to any reasonable use of his church--for a +thanksgiving festival or for musical recitals for +example--but when it came to opening up the church and +using it to pray in, the thing was going a little too +far. What was more, he had an idea from the look on +Juliana's face that she meant to pray for _him_. This, for +a clergy man, was hard to bear. Philippa, like the good +girl that she was, had prayed only for herself, and then +only at the proper times and places, and in a proper +praying costume. The rector began to realize what +difficulties it might make for a clergyman to have a +religious sister as his house-mate. + +But he was never a man for unseemly argument. "It is +hanging in my study," he said. + +And with that the Rev. Fareforth Furlong passed into the +hall took up the simple silk hat, the stick and gloves +of the working clergyman and walked out on to the avenue +to begin his day's work in the parish. + +The rector's parish viewed in its earthly aspect, was a +singularly beautiful place. For it extended all along +Plutoria Avenue, where the street is widest and the elm +trees are at their leafiest and the motors at their very +drowsiest. It lay up and down the shaded side streets of +the residential district, darkened with great chestnuts +and hushed in a stillness that was almost religion itself. +There was not a house in the parish assessed at less than +twenty-five thousand, and in very heart of it the Mausoleum +Club, with its smooth white stone and its Grecian +architecture, carried one back to the ancient world and +made one think of Athens and of Paul preaching on Mars +Hill. It was, all considered, a splendid thing to fight +sin in such a parish and to keep it out of it. For kept +out it was. One might look the length and breadth of the +broad avenue and see no sign of sin all along it. There +was certainly none in the smooth faces of the chauffeurs +trundling their drowsy motors; no sign of it in the +expensive children paraded by imported nursemaids in the +chequered light of the shaded street; least of all was +there any sign of it in the Stock Exchange members of +the congregation as they walked along side by side to +their lunch at the Mausoleum Club, their silk hats nodding +together in earnest colloquy on Shares Preferred and +Profits Undivided. So might have walked, so must have +walked, the very Fathers of the Church themselves. + +Whatever sin there was in the City was shoved sideways +into the roaring streets of commerce where the elevated +railway ran, and below that again into the slums. Here +there must have been any quantity of sin. The rector of +St. Asaph's was certain of it. Many of the richer of his +parishioners had been down in parties late at night to +look at it, and the ladies of his congregation were joined +together into all sorts of guilds and societies and bands +of endeavour for stamping it out and driving it under or +putting it into jail till it surrendered. + +But the slums lay outside the rector's parish. He had no +right to interfere. They were under the charge of a +special mission or auxiliary, a remnant of the St. Asaph's +of the past, placed under the care of a divinity student, +at four hundred dollars per annum. His charge included +all the slums and three police courts and two music halls +and the City jail. One Sunday afternoon in every three +months the rector and several ladies went down and sang +hymns for him in his mission-house. But his work was +really very easy. A funeral, for example, at the mission, +was a simple affair, meaning nothing more than the +preparation of a plain coffin and a glassless hearse and +the distribution of a few artificial everlasting flowers +to women crying in their aprons; a thing easily done: +whereas in St. Asaph's parish, where all the really +important souls were, a funeral was a large event, +requiring taste and tact, and a nice shading of delicacy +in distinguishing mourners from beneficiaries, and private +grief from business representation at the ceremony. A +funeral with a plain coffin and a hearse was as nothing +beside an interment, with a casket smothered in hot-house +syringas, borne in a coach and followed by special +reporters from the financial papers. + +It appeared to the rector afterwards as almost a shocking +coincidence that the first person whom he met upon the +avenue should have been the Rev. Dr. McTeague himself. +Mr. Furlong gave him the form of amiable "good morning" +that the episcopal church always extends to those in +error. But he did not hear it. The minister's head was +bent low, his eyes gazed into vacancy, and from the +movements of his lips and from the fact that he carried +a leather case of notes, he was plainly on his way to +his philosophical lecture. But the rector had no time to +muse upon the abstracted appearance of his rival. For, +as always happened to him, he was no sooner upon the +street than his parish work of the day began. In fact, +he had hardly taken a dozen steps after passing Dr. +McTeague when he was brought up standing by two beautiful +parishioners with pink parasols. + +"Oh, Mr. Furlong," exclaimed one of them, "so fortunate +to happen to catch you; we were just going into the rectory +to consult you. Should the girls--for the lawn tea for +the Guild on Friday, you know--wear white dresses with +light blue sashes all the same, or do you think we might +allow them to wear any coloured sashes that they like? +What do you think?" + +This was an important problem. In fact, there was a piece +of parish work here that it took the Reverend Fareforth +half an hour to attend to standing the while in earnest +colloquy with the two ladies under the shadow of the elm +trees. But a clergyman must never be grudging of his +time. + +"Goodbye then," they said at last. "Are you coming to +the Browning Club this morning? Oh, so sorry! but we +shall see you at the musicale this afternoon, shall we +not?" + +"Oh, I trust so," said the rector. + +"How dreadfully hard he works," said the ladies to one +another as they moved away. + +Thus slowly and with many interruptions the rector made +his progress along the avenue. At times he stopped to +permit a pink-cheeked infant in a perambulator to beat +him with a rattle while he inquired its age of an episcopal +nurse, gay with flowing ribbons. He lifted his hat to +the bright parasols of his parishioners passing in +glistening motors, bowed to episcopalians, nodded amiably +to presbyterians, and even acknowledged with his lifted +hat the passing of persons of graver forms of error. + +Thus he took his way along the avenue and down a side +street towards the business district of the City, until +just at the edge of it, where the trees were about to +stop and the shops were about to begin, he found himself +at the door of the Hymnal Supply Corporation, Limited. +The premises as seen from the outside combined the idea +of an office with an ecclesiastical appearance. The door +was as that of a chancel or vestry; there was a large +plate-glass window filled with Bibles and Testaments, +all spread open and showing every variety of language in +their pages. These were marked, Arabic, Syriac, Coptic, +Ojibway, Irish and so forth. On the window in small white +lettering were the words, HYMNAL SUPPLY CORPORATION, and +below that, HOSANNA PIPE AND STEAM ORGAN INCORPORATED, +and Still lower the legend BIBLE SOCIETY OF THE GOOD +SHEPHERD LIMITED. + +There was no doubt of the sacred character of the place. +Here laboured Mr. Furlong senior, the father of the Rev. +Edward Fareforth. He was a man of many activities; +president and managing director of the companies just +mentioned, trustee and secretary of St. Asaph's, honorary +treasurer of the university, etc.; and each of his +occupations and offices was marked by something of a +supramundane character, something higher than ordinary +business. His different official positions naturally +overlapped and brought him into contact with himself from +a variety of angles. Thus he sold himself hymn books at +a price per thousand, made as a business favour to himself, +negotiated with himself the purchase of the +ten-thousand-dollar organ (making a price on it to himself +that he begged himself to regard as confidential), and +as treasurer of the college he sent himself an informal +note of enquiry asking if he knew of any sound investment +for the annual deficit of the college funds, a matter of +some sixty thousand dollars a year, which needed very +careful handling. Any man--and there are many such--who +has been concerned with business dealings of this sort +with himself realizes that they are more satisfactory +than any other kind. + +To what better person, then, could the rector of St. +Asaph's bring the quarterly accounts and statements of +his church than to Mr. Furlong senior. + +The outer door was opened to the rector by a sanctified +boy with such a face as is only found in the choirs of +the episcopal church. In an outer office through which +the rector passed were two sacred stenographers with hair +as golden as the daffodils of Sheba, copying confidential +letters on absolutely noiseless typewriters. They were +making offers of Bibles in half-car-load lots at two and +a half per cent reduction, offering to reduce St. Mark +by two cents on condition of immediate export, and to +lay down St. John f.o.b. San Francisco for seven cents, +while regretting that they could deliver fifteen thousand +Rock of Ages in Missouri on no other terms than cash. + +The sacred character of their work lent them a preoccupation +beautiful to behold. + +In the room beyond them was a white-haired confidential +clerk, venerable as the Song of Solomon, and by him Mr. +Fareforth Furlong was duly shown into the office of his +father. + +"Good morning, Edward," said Mr. Furlong senior, as he +shook hands. "I was expecting you. And while I think of +it, I have just had a letter from Philippa. She and Tom +will be home in two or three weeks. She writes from Egypt. +She wishes me to tell you, as no doubt you have already +anticipated, that she thinks she can hardly continue to +be a member of the congregation when they come back. No +doubt you felt this yourself?" + +"Oh, entirely," said the rector. "Surely in matters of +belief a wife must follow her husband." + +"Exactly; especially as Tom's uncles occupy the position +they do with regard to--" Mr. Furlong jerked his head +backwards and pointed with his thumb over his shoulder +in a way that his son knew was meant to indicate St. +Osoph's Church. + +The Overend brothers, who were Tom's uncles (his name +being Tom Overend) were, as everybody knew, among the +principal supporters of St. Osoph's. Not that they were, +by origin, presbyterians. But they were self-made men, +which put them once and for all out of sympathy with such +a place as St. Asaph's. "We made ourselves," the two +brothers used to repeat in defiance of the catechism of +the Anglican Church. They never wearied of explaining +how Mr. Dick, the senior brother, had worked overtime by +day to send Mr. George, the junior brother, to school by +night, and how Mr. George had then worked overtime by +night to send Mr. Dick to school by day. Thus they had +come up the business ladder hand over hand, landing later +on in life on the platform of success like two corpulent +acrobats, panting with the strain of it. "For years," +Mr. George would explain, "we had father and mother to +keep as well; then they died, and Dick and me saw daylight." +By which he meant no harm at all, but only stated a fact, +and concealed the virtue of it. + +And being self-made men they made it a point to do what +they could to lessen the importance of such an institution +as St. Asaph's Church. By the same contrariety of nature +the two Overend brothers (their business name was Overend +Brothers, Limited) were supporters of the dissentient +Young Men's Guild, and the second or rival University +Settlement, and of anything or everything that showed a +likelihood of making trouble. On this principle they +were warm supporters and friends of the Rev. Dr. McTeague. +The minister had even gone so far as to present to the +brothers a copy of his philosophical work "McTeague's +Exposition of the Kantian Hypothesis." and the two brothers +had read it through in the office, devoting each of them +a whole morning to it. Mr. Dick, the senior brother, +had said that he had never seen anything like it, and +Mr. George, the junior, had declared that a man who could +write that was capable of anything. + +On the whole it was evident that the relations between +the Overend family and the presbyterian religion were +too intimate to allow Mrs. Tom Overend, formerly Miss +Philippa Furlong, to sit anywhere else of a Sunday than +under Dr. McTeague. + +"Philippa writes," continued Mr. Furlong "that under the +circumstances she and Tom would like to do something for +your church. She would like--yes, I have the letter +here--to give you, as a surprise, of course, either a +new font or a carved pulpit; or perhaps a cheque; she +wishes me on no account to mention it to you directly, +but to ascertain indirectly from you, what would be the +better surprise." + +"Oh, a cheque, I think," said the rector; "one can do so +much more with it, after all." + +"Precisely," said his father; he was well aware of many +things that can be done with a cheque that cannot possibly +be done with a font. + +"That's settled then," resumed Mr. Furlong; "and now I +suppose you want me to run my eye over your quarterly +statements, do you not, before we send them in to the +trustees? That is what you've come for, is it not?" + +"Yes," said the rector, drawing a bundle of blue and +white papers from his pocket. "I have everything with +me. Our showing is, I believe, excellent, though I fear +I fail to present it as clearly as it might be done." + +Mr. Furlong senior spread the papers on the table before +him and adjusted his spectacles to a more convenient +angle. He smiled indulgently as he looked at the documents +before him. + +"I am afraid you would never make an accountant, Edward," +he said. + +"I fear not," said the rector. + +"Your items," said his father, "are entered wrongly. +Here, for example, in the general statement, you put down +Distribution of Coals to the Poor to your credit. In the +same way, Bibles and Prizes to the Sunday School you +again mark to your credit. Why? Don't you see, my boy, +that these things are debits? When you give out Bibles +or distribute fuel to the poor you give out something +for which you get no return. It is a debit. On the other +hand, such items as Church Offertory, Scholars' Pennies, +etc., are pure profit. Surely the principle is clear." + +"I think I see it better now," said the Rev. Edward. + +"Perfectly plain, isn't it?" his father went on. "And +here again. Paupers' Burial Fund, a loss; enter it as +such. Christmas Gift to Verger and Sexton, an absolute +loss--you get nothing in return. Widows' Mite, Fines +inflicted in Sunday School, etc., these are profit; write +them down as such. By this method, you see, in ordinary +business we can tell exactly where we stand: anything +which we give out without return or reward we count as +a debit; all that we take from others without giving in +return we count as so much to our credit." + +"Ah, yes," murmured the rector. "I begin to understand." + +"Very good. But after all, Edward, I mustn't quarrel with +the mere form of your accounts; the statement is really +a splendid showing. I see that not only is our mortgage +and debenture interest all paid to date, but that a number +of our enterprises are making a handsome return. I notice, +for example, that the Girls' Friendly Society of the +church not only pays for itself, but that you are able +to take something out of its funds and transfer it to +the Men's Book Club. Excellent! And I observe that you +have been able to take a large portion of the Soup Kitchen +Fund and put it into the Rector's Picnic Account. Very +good indeed. In this respect your figures are a model +for church accounts anywhere." + +Mr. Furlong continued his scrutiny of the accounts. +"Excellent," he murmured, "and on the whole an annual +surplus, I see, of several thousands. But stop a bit," +he continued, checking himself; "what's this? Are you +aware, Edward, that you are losing money on your Foreign +Missions Account?" + +"I feared as much," said Edward. + +"It's incontestable. Look at the figures for yourself: +missionary's salary so much, clothes and books to converts +so much, voluntary and other offerings of converts so +much why, you're losing on it, Edward!" exclaimed Mr. +Furlong, and he shook his head dubiously at the accounts +before him. + +"I thought," protested his son, "that in view of the +character of the work itself--" + +"Quite so," answered his father, "quite so. I fully admit +the force of that. I am only asking you, is it worth it? +Mind you, I am not speaking now as a Christian, but as +a businessman. Is it worth it?" + +"I thought that perhaps, in view of the fact of our large +surplus in other directions--" + +"Exactly," said his father, "a heavy surplus. It is +precisely on that point that I wished to speak to you +this morning. You have at present a large annual surplus, +and there is every prospect under Providence--in fact, +I think in any case--of it continuing for years to come. +If I may speak very frankly I should say that as long as +our reverend friend, Dr. McTeague, continues in his charge +of St. Osoph's--and I trust that he may be spared for +many years to come--you are likely to enjoy the present +prosperity of your church. Very good. The question arises, +what disposition are we to make of our accumulating +funds?" + +"Yes," said the rector, hesitating. + +"I am speaking to you now," said his father "not as the +secretary of your church, but as president of the Hymnal +Supply Company which I represent here. Now please +understand, Edward, I don't want in any way to force or +control your judgment. I merely wish to show you +certain--shall I say certain opportunities that present +themselves for the disposal of our funds? The matter can +be taken up later, formally, by yourself and the trustees +of the church. As a matter of fact, I have already written +to myself as secretary in the matter, and I have received +what I consider a quite encouraging answer. Let me explain +what I propose." + +Mr. Furlong senior rose, and opening the door of the +office, + +"Everett," he said to the ancient clerk, "kindly give me +a Bible." + +It was given to him. + +Mr. Furlong stood with the Bible poised in his hand. + +"Now we," he went on, "I mean the Hymnal Supply Corporation, +have an idea for bringing out an entirely new Bible." + +A look of dismay appeared on the saintly face of the +rector. + +"A new Bible!" he gasped. + +"Precisely!" said his father, "a new Bible! This one-- +and we find it every day in our business--is all wrong." + +"All wrong!" said the rector with horror in his face. + +"My dear boy," exclaimed his father, "pray, pray, do not +misunderstand me. Don't imagine for a moment that I mean +wrong in a religious sense. Such a thought could never, +I hope, enter my mind. All that I mean is that this Bible +is badly made up." + +"Badly made up?" repeated his son, as mystified as ever. + +"I see that you do not understand me. What I mean is +this. Let me try to make myself quite clear. For the +market of today this Bible"--and he poised it again on +his hand, as if to test its weight, "is too heavy. The +people of today want something lighter, something easier +to get hold of. Now if--" + +But what Mr. Furlong was about to say was lost forever +to the world. + +For just at this juncture something occurred calculated +to divert not only Mr. Furlong's sentence, but the fortunes +and the surplus of St. Asaph's itself. At the very moment +when Mr. Furlong was speaking a newspaper delivery man +in the street outside handed to the sanctified boy the +office copy of the noonday paper. And the boy had no +sooner looked at its headlines than he said, "How dreadful!" +Being sanctified, he had no stronger form of speech than +that. But he handed the paper forthwith to one of the +stenographers with hair like the daffodils of Sheba, and +when she looked at it she exclaimed, "How awful!" And +she knocked at once at the door of the ancient clerk and +gave the paper to him; and when he looked at it and saw +the headline the ancient clerk murmured, "Ah!" in the +gentle tone in which very old people greet the news of +catastrophe or sudden death. + +But in his turn he opened Mr. Furlong's door and put down +the paper, laying his finger on the column for a moment +without a word. + +Mr. Furlong stopped short in his sentence. "Dear me!" he +said as his eyes caught the item of news. "How very +dreadful!" + +"What is it?" said the rector. + +"Dr. McTeague," answered his father. "He has been stricken +with paralysis!" + +"How shocking!" said the rector, aghast. "But when? I +saw him only this morning." + +"It has just happened," said his father, following down +the column of the newspaper as he spoke, "this morning, +at the university, in his classroom, at a lecture. Dear +me, how dreadful! I must go and see the president at +once." + +Mr. Furlong was about to reach for his hat and stick when +at that moment the aged clerk knocked at the door. + +"Dr. Boomer," he announced in a tone of solemnity suited +to the occasion. + +Dr. Boomer entered, shook hands in silence and sat down. + +"You have heard our sad news, I suppose?" he said. He +used the word "our" as between the university president +and his honorary treasurer. + +"How did it happen?" asked Mr. Furlong. + +"Most distressing," said the president. "Dr. McTeague, +it seems, had just entered his ten o'clock class (the +hour was about ten-twenty) and was about to open his +lecture, when one of his students rose in his seat and +asked a question. It is a practice," continued Dr. Boomer, +"which, I need hardly say, we do not encourage; the young +man, I believe, was a newcomer in the philosophy class. +At any rate, he asked Dr. McTeague, quite suddenly it +appears; how he could reconcile his theory of transcendental +immaterialism with a scheme of rigid moral determinism. +Dr. McTeague stared for a moment, his mouth, so the class +assert, painfully open. The student repeated the question, +and poor McTeague fell forward over his desk, paralysed." + +"Is he dead?" gasped Mr. Furlong. + +"No," said the president. "But we expect his death at +any moment. Dr. Slyder, I may say, is with him now and +is doing all he can." + +"In any case, I suppose, he could hardly recover enough +to continue his college duties," said the young rector. + +"Out of the question," said the president. "I should not +like to state that of itself mere paralysis need +incapacitate a professor. Dr. Thrum, our professor of +the theory of music, is, as you know, paralysed in his +ears, and Mr. Slant, our professor of optics, is paralysed +in his right eye. But this is a case of paralysis of the +brain. I fear it is incompatible with professorial work." + +"Then, I suppose," said Mr. Furlong senior, "we shall +have to think of the question of a successor." + +They had both _been_ thinking of it for at least three +minutes. "We must," said the president. "For the moment +I feel too stunned by the sad news to act. I have merely +telegraphed to two or three leading colleges for a _locum +tenens_ and sent out a few advertisements announcing the +chair as vacant. But it will be difficult to replace +McTeague. He was a man," added Dr. Boomer, rehearsing in +advance, unconsciously, no doubt, his forthcoming oration +over Dr. McTeague's death, "of a singular grasp, a breadth +of culture, and he was able, as few men are, to instil +what I might call a spirit of religion into his teaching. +His lectures, indeed, were suffused with moral instruction, +and exercised over his students an influence second only +to that of the pulpit itself." + +He paused. + +"Ah yes, the pulpit," said Mr. Furlong, "there indeed +you will miss him." + +"That," said Dr. Boomer very reverently, "is our real +loss, deep, irreparable. I suppose, indeed I am certain, +we shall never again see such a man in the pulpit of St. +Osoph's. Which reminds me," he added more briskly, "I +must ask the newspaper people to let it be known that +there will be service as usual the day after tomorrow, +and that Dr. McTeague's death will, of course, make no +difference--that is to say--I must see the newspaper +people at once." + + * * * * * * * + +That afternoon all the newspaper editors in the City were +busy getting their obituary notices ready for the demise +of Dr. McTeague. + +"The death of Dr. McTeague," wrote the editor of the +_Commercial and Financial Undertone_, a paper which had +almost openly advocated the minister's dismissal for five +years back, "comes upon us as an irreparable loss. His +place will be difficult, nay, impossible, to fill. Whether +as a philosopher or a divine he cannot be replaced." + +"We have no hesitation in saying," so wrote the editor +of the _Plutorian Times_, a three-cent morning paper, which +was able to take a broad or three-cent point of view of +men and things, "that the loss of Dr. McTeague will be +just as much felt in Europe as in America. To Germany +the news that the hand that penned 'McTeague's Shorter +Exposition of the Kantian Hypothesis' has ceased to write +will come with the shock of poignant anguish; while to +France--" + +The editor left the article unfinished at that point. +After all, he was a ready writer, and he reflected that +there would be time enough before actually going to press +to consider from what particular angle the blow of +McTeague's death would strike down the people of France. + +So ran in speech and in writing, during two or three +days, the requiem of Dr. McTeague. + +Altogether there were more kind things said of him in +the three days during which he was taken for dead, than +in thirty years of his life--which seemed a pity. + +And after it all, at the close of the third day, Dr. +McTeague feebly opened his eyes. + +But when he opened them the world had already passed on, +and left him behind. + + + +CHAPTER SEVEN: The Ministrations of the Rev. Uttermust Dumfarthing + +"Well, then, gentlemen, I think we have all agreed upon +our man?" + +Mr. Dick Overend looked around the table as he spoke at +the managing trustees of St. Osoph's church. They were +assembled in an upper committee room of the Mausoleum +Club. Their official place of meeting was in a board room +off the vestry of the church. But they had felt a draught +in it, some four years ago, which had wafted them over +to the club as their place of assembly. In the club there +were no draughts. + +Mr. Dick Overend sat at the head of the table, his brother +George beside him, and Dr. Boomer at the foot. Beside +them were Mr. Boulder, Mr. Skinyer (of Skinyer and Beatem) +and the rest of the trustees. + +"You are agreed, then, on the Reverend Uttermust +Dumfarthing?" + +"Quite agreed," murmured several trustees together. + +"A most remarkable man," said Dr. Boomer. "I heard him +preach in his present church. He gave utterance to thoughts +that I have myself been thinking for years. I never +listened to anything so sound or so scholarly." + +"I heard him the night he preached in New York," said +Mr. Boulder. "He preached a sermon to the poor. He told +them they were no good. I never heard, outside of a Scotch +pulpit, such splendid invective." + +"Is he Scotch?" said one of the trustees. + +"Of Scotch parentage," said the university president. "I +believe he is one of the Dumfarthings of Dunfermline, +Dumfries." + +Everybody said "Oh," and there was a pause. + +"Is he married?" asked one of the trustees. "I understand," +answered Dr. Boomer, "that he is a widower with one child, +a little girl." + +"Does he make any conditions?" + +"None whatever," said the chairman, consulting a letter +before him, "except that he is to have absolute control, +and in regard to salary. These two points settled, he +says, he places himself entirely in our hands." + +"And the salary?" asked someone. + +"Ten thousand dollars," said the chairman, "payable +quarterly in advance." + +A chorus of approval went round the table. "Good," +"Excellent," "A first-class man," muttered the trustees, +"just what we want." + +"I am sure, gentlemen," said Mr. Dick Overend, voicing +the sentiments of everybody, "we do _not_ want a cheap man. +Several of the candidates whose names have been under +consideration here have been in many respects--in point +of religious qualification, let us say--most desirable +men. The name of Dr. McSkwirt, for example, has been +mentioned with great favour by several of the trustees. +But he's a cheap man. I feel we don't want him." + +"What is Mr. Dumfarthing getting where he is?" asked Mr. +Boulder. + +"Nine thousand nine hundred," said the chairman. + +"And Dr. McSkwirt?" + +"Fourteen hundred dollars." + +"Well, that settles it!" exclaimed everybody with a burst +of enlightenment. + +And so it was settled. + +In fact, nothing could have been plainer. + +"I suppose," said Mr. George Overend as they were about +to rise, "that we are quite justified in taking it for +granted that Dr. McTeague will never be able to resume +work?" + +"Oh, absolutely for granted," said Dr. Boomer. "Poor +McTeague! I hear from Slyder that he was making desperate +efforts this morning to sit up in bed. His nurse with +difficulty prevented him." + +"Is his power of speech gone?" asked Mr. Boulder. + +"Practically so; in any case, Dr. Slyder insists on his +not using it. In fact, poor McTeague's mind is a wreck. +His nurse was telling me that this morning he was reaching +out his hand for the newspaper, and seemed to want to +read one of the editorials. It was quite pathetic," +concluded Dr. Boomer, shaking his head. + +So the whole matter was settled, and next day all the +town knew that St. Osoph's Church had extended a call to +the Rev. Uttermust Dumfarthing, and that he had accepted +it. + + * * * * * * * + +Within a few weeks of this date the Reverend Uttermust +Dumfarthing moved into the manse of St. Osoph's and +assumed his charge. And forthwith he became the sole +topic of conversation on Plutoria Avenue. "Have you seen +the new minister of St. Osoph's?" everybody asked. "Have +you been to hear Dr. Dumfarthing?" "Were you at St. +Osoph's Church on Sunday morning? Ah, you really should +go! most striking sermon I ever listened to." + +The effect of him was absolute and instantaneous; there +was no doubt of it. + +"My dear," said Mrs. Buncomhearst to one of her friends, +in describing how she had met him, "I never saw a more +striking man. Such power in his face! Mr. Boulder introduced +him to me on the avenue, and he hardly seemed to see me +at all, simply scowled! I was never so favourably impressed +with any man." + +On his very first Sunday he preached to his congregation +on eternal punishment, leaning forward in his black gown +and shaking his fist at them. Dr. McTeague had never +shaken his fist in thirty years, and as for the Rev. +Fareforth Furlong, he was incapable of it. + +But the Rev. Uttermust Dumfarthing told his congregation +that he was convinced that at least seventy per cent of +them were destined for eternal punishment; and he didn't +call it by that name, but labelled it simply and forcibly +"hell." The word had not been heard in any church in the +better part of the City for a generation. The congregation +was so swelled next Sunday that the minister raised the +percentage to eighty-five, and everybody went away +delighted. Young and old flocked to St. Osoph's. Before +a month had passed the congregation at the evening service +at St. Asaph's Church was so slender that the offertory, +as Mr. Furlong senior himself calculated, was scarcely +sufficient to pay the overhead charge of collecting it. + +The presence of so many young men sitting in serried +files close to the front was the only feature of his +congregation that extorted from the Rev. Mr. Dumfarthing +something like approval. + +"It is a joy to me to see," he remarked to several of +his trustees, "that there are in the City so many godly +young men, whatever the elders may be." + +But there may have been a secondary cause at work, for +among the godly young men of Plutoria Avenue the topic +of conversation had not been, "Have you heard the new +presbyterian minister?" but, "Have you seen his daughter? +You haven't? Well, say!" + +For it turned out that the "child" of Dr. Uttermust +Dumfarthing, so-called by the trustees, was the kind of +child that wears a little round hat, straight from Paris, +with an upright feather in it, and a silk dress in four +sections, and shoes with high heels that would have broken +the heart of John Calvin. Moreover, she had the distinction +of being the only person on Plutoria Avenue who was not +one whit afraid of the Reverend Uttermust Dumfarthing. +She even amused herself, in violation of all rules, by +attending evening service at St. Asaph's, where she sat +listening to the Reverend Edward, and feeling that she +had never heard anything so sensible in her life. + +"I'm simply dying to meet your brother," she said to Mrs. +Tom Overend, otherwise Philippa; "he's such a complete +contrast with father." She knew no higher form of praise: +"Father's sermons are always so frightfully full of +religion." + +And Philippa promised that meet him she should. + +But whatever may have been the effect of the presence of +Catherine Dumfarthing, there is no doubt the greater part +of the changed situation was due to Dr. Dumfarthing +himself. + +Everything he did was calculated to please. He preached +sermons to the rich and told them they were mere cobwebs, +and they liked it; he preached a special sermon to the +poor and warned them to be mighty careful; he gave a +series of weekly talks to workingmen, and knocked them +sideways; and in the Sunday School he gave the children +so fierce a talk on charity and the need of giving freely +and quickly, that such a stream of pennies and nickels +poured into Catherine Dumfarthing's Sunday School Fund +as hadn't been seen in the church in fifty years. + +Nor was Mr. Dumfarthing different in his private walk of +life. He was heard to speak openly of the Overend brothers +as "men of wrath," and they were so pleased that they +repeated it to half the town. It was the best business +advertisement they had had for years. + +Dr. Boomer was captivated with the man. "True scholarship," +he murmured, as Dr. Dumfarthing poured undiluted Greek +and Hebrew from the pulpit, scorning to translate a word +of it. Under Dr. Boomer's charge the minister was taken +over the length and breadth of Plutoria University, and +reviled it from the foundations up. + +"Our library," said the president, "two hundred thousand +volumes!" + +"Aye," said the minister, "a powerful heap of rubbish, +I'll be bound!" + +"The photograph of our last year's graduating class," +said the president. + +"A poor lot, to judge by the faces of them," said the +minister. + +"This, Dr. Dumfarthing, is our new radiographic laboratory; +Mr. Spiff, our demonstrator, is preparing slides which, I +believe, actually show the movements of the atom itself, +do they not, Mr. Spiff?" + +"Ah," said the minister, piercing Mr. Spiff from beneath +his dark brows, "it will not avail you, young man." + +Dr. Boomer was delighted. "Poor McTeague," he said--"and +by the way, Boyster, I hear that McTeague is trying to +walk again; a great error, it shouldn't be allowed!--poor +McTeague knew nothing of science." + +The students themselves shared in the enthusiasm, especially +after Dr. Dumfarthing had given them a Sunday afternoon +talk in which he showed that their studies were absolutely +futile. As soon as they knew this they went to work with +a vigour that put new life into the college. + + * * * * * * * + +Meantime the handsome face of the Reverend Edward Fareforth +Furlong began to wear a sad and weary look that had never +been seen on it before. He watched the congregation +drifting from St. Asaph's to St. Osoph's and was powerless +to prevent it. His sadness reached its climax one bright +afternoon in the late summer, when he noticed that even +his episcopal blackbirds were leaving his elms and moving +westward to the spruce trees of the manse. + +He stood looking at them with melancholy on his face. +"Why, Edward," cried his sister, Philippa, as her motor +stopped beside him, "how doleful you look! Get into the +car and come out into the country for a ride. Let the +parish teas look after themselves for today." + +Tom, Philippa's husband, was driving his own car--he was +rich enough to be able to--and seated with Philippa in +the car was an unknown person, as prettily dressed as +Philippa herself. To the rector she was presently introduced +as Miss Catherine Something--he didn't hear the rest of +it. Nor did he need to. It was quite plain that her +surname, whatever it was, was a very temporary and +transitory affair. + +So they sped rapidly out of the City and away out into +the country, mile after mile, through cool, crisp air, +and among woods with the touch of autumn bright already +upon them, and with blue sky and great still clouds white +overhead. And the afternoon was so beautiful and so bright +that as they went along there was no talk about religion +at all! nor was there any mention of Mothers' Auxiliaries, +or Girls' Friendly Societies, nor any discussion of the +poor. It was too glorious a day. But they spoke instead +of the new dances, and whether they had come to stay, and +of such sensible topics as that. Then presently, as they +went on still further, Philippa leaned forwards and talked +to Tom over his shoulder and reminded him that this was +the very road to Castel Casteggio, and asked him if he +remembered coming up it with her to join the Newberry's +ever so long ago. Whatever it was that Tom answered it +is not recorded, but it is certain that it took so long +in the saying that the Reverend Edward talked in tete-a-tete +with Catherine for fifteen measured miles, and was unaware +that it was more than five minutes. Among other things +he said, and she agreed--or she said and he agreed--that +for the new dances it was necessary to have always one +and the same partner, and to keep that partner all the +time. And somehow simple sentiments of that sort, when +said direct into a pair of listening blue eyes behind a +purple motor veil, acquire an infinite significance. + +Then, not much after that, say three or four minutes, +they were all of a sudden back in town again, running +along Plutoria Avenue, and to the rector's surprise the +motor was stopping outside the manse, and Catherine was +saying, "Oh, thank you ever so much, Philippa; it was +just heavenly!" which showed that the afternoon had had +its religious features after all. "What!" said the +rector's sister, as they moved off again, "didn't you +know? That's Catherine Dumfarthing!" + + * * * * * * * + +When the Rev. Fareforth Furlong arrived home at the +rectory he spent an hour or so in the deepest of deep +thought in an armchair in his study. Nor was it any ordinary +parish problem that he was revolving in his mind. He was +trying to think out some means by which his sister Juliana +might be induced to commit the sin of calling on the +daughter of a presbyterian minister. + +The thing had to be represented as in some fashion or +other an act of self-denial, a form of mortification of +the flesh. Otherwise he knew Juliana would never do it. +But to call on Miss Catherine Dumfarthing seemed to him +such an altogether delightful and unspeakably blissful +process that he hardly knew how to approach the topic. +So when Juliana presently came home the rector could find +no better way of introducing the subject than by putting +it on the ground of Philippa's marriage to Miss +Dumfarthing's father's trustee's nephew. + +"Juliana," he said, "don't you think that perhaps, on +account of Philippa and Tom, you ought--or at least it +might be best for you to call on Miss Dumfarthing?" + +Juliana turned to her brother as he laid aside her bonnet +and her black gloves. + +"I've just been there this afternoon," she said. + +There was something as near to a blush on her face as +her brother had ever seen. + +"But she was not there!" he said. + +"No," answered Juliana, "but Mr. Dumfarthing was. I stayed +and talked some time with him, waiting for her." + +The rector gave a sort of whistle, or rather that blowing +out of air which is the episcopal symbol for it. + +"Didn't you find him pretty solemn?" he said. + +"Solemn!" answered his sister. "Surely, Edward, a man in +such a calling as his ought to be solemn." + +"I don't mean that exactly," said the rector; "I +mean--er--hard, bitter, so to speak." + +"Edward!" exclaimed Juliana, "how can you speak so. Mr. +Dumfarthing hard! Mr. Dumfarthing bitter! Why, Edward, +the man is gentleness and kindness itself. I don't think +I ever met anyone so full of sympathy, of compassion with +suffering." + +Juliana's face had flushed It was quite plain that she +saw things in the Reverend Uttermust Dumfarthing--as some +one woman does in every man--that no one else could see. + +The Reverend Edward was abashed. "I wasn't thinking of +his character," he said. "I was thinking rather of his +doctrines. Wait till you have heard him preach." + +Juliana flushed more deeply still. "I heard him last +Sunday evening," she said. + +The rector was silent, and his sister, as if impelled to +speak, went on, + +"And I don't see, Edward, how anyone could think him a +hard or bigoted man in his creed. He walked home with me +to the gate just now, and he was speaking of all the sin +in the world, and of how few, how very few people, can +be saved, and how many will have to be burned as worthless; +and he spoke so beautifully. He regrets it, Edward, +regrets it deeply. It is a real grief to him." + +On which Juliana, half in anger, withdrew, and her brother +the rector sat back in his chair with smiles rippling +all over his saintly face. For he had been wondering +whether it would be possible, even remotely possible, +to get his sister to invite the Dumfarthings to high tea +at the rectory some day at six o'clock (evening dinner +was out of the question), and now he knew within himself +that the thing was as good as done. + + * * * * * * * + +While such things as these were happening and about to +happen, there were many others of the congregation of +St. Asaph's beside the rector to whom the growing situation +gave cause for serious perplexities. Indeed, all who were +interested in the church, the trustees and the mortgagees +and the underlying debenture-holders, were feeling anxious. +For some of them underlay the Sunday School, whose +scholars' offerings had declined forty per cent, and +others underlay the new organ, not yet paid for, while +others were lying deeper still beneath the ground site +of the church with seven dollars and a half a square foot +resting on them. + +"I don't like it," said Mr. Lucullus Fyshe to Mr. Newberry +(they were both prominent members of the congregation). +"I don't like the look of things. I took up a block of +Furlong's bonds on his Guild building from what seemed +at the time the best of motives. The interest appeared +absolutely certain. Now it's a month overdue on the last +quarter. I feel alarmed." + +"Neither do I like it," said Mr. Newberry, shaking his +head; "and I'm sorry for Fareforth Furlong. An excellent +fellow, Fyshe, excellent. I keep wondering Sunday after +Sunday, if there isn't something I can do to help him +out. One might do something further, perhaps, in the way +of new buildings or alterations. I have, in fact, +offered--by myself, I mean, and without other aid--to +dynamite out the front of his church, underpin it, and +put him in a Norman gateway; either that, or blast out +the back of it where the choir sit, just as he likes. I +was thinking about it last Sunday as they were singing +the anthem, and realizing what a lot one might do there +with a few sticks of dynamite." + +"I doubt it," said Mr. Fyshe. "In fact, Newberry, to +speak very frankly, I begin to ask myself, Is Furlong +the man for the post?" + +"Oh, surely," said Mr. Newberry in protest. + +"Personally a charming fellow," went on Mr. Fyshe; "but +is he, all said and done, quite the man to conduct a +church? In the _first_ place, he is _not_ a businessman." + +"No," said Mr. Newberry reluctantly, "that I admit." + +"Very good. And, _secondly_, even in the matter of his +religion itself, one always feels as if he were too little +fixed, too unstable. He simply moves with the times. +That, at least, is what people are beginning to say of +him, that he is perpetually moving with the times. It +doesn't do, Newberry, it doesn't do." Whereupon Mr. +Newberry went away troubled and wrote to Fareforth Furlong +a confidential letter with a signed cheque in it for the +amount of Mr. Fyshe's interest, and with such further +offerings of dynamite, of underpinning and blasting as +his conscience prompted. + +When the rector received and read the note and saw the +figures of the cheque, there arose such a thankfulness +in his spirit as he hadn't felt for months, and he may +well have murmured, for the repose of Mr. Newberry's +soul, a prayer not found in the rubric of King James. + +All the more cause had he to feel light at heart, for as +it chanced, it was on that same evening that the +Dumfarthings, father and daughter, were to take tea at +the rectory. Indeed, a few minutes before six o'clock +they might have been seen making their way from the manse +to the rectory. + +On their way along the avenue the minister took occasion +to reprove his daughter for the worldliness of her hat +(it was a little trifle from New York that she had bought +out of the Sunday School money--a temporary loan); and +a little further on he spoke to her severely about the +parasol she carried; and further yet about the strange +fashion, specially condemned by the Old Testament, in +which she wore her hair. So Catherine knew in her heart +from this that she must be looking her very prettiest, +and went into the rectory radiant. + +The tea was, of course, an awkward meal at the best. +There was an initial difficulty about grace, not easily +surmounted. And when the Rev. Mr. Dumfarthing sternly +refused tea as a pernicious drink weakening to the system, +the Anglican rector was too ignorant of the presbyterian +system to know enough to give him Scotch whiskey. + +But there were bright spots in the meal as well. The +rector was even able to ask Catherine, sideways as a +personal question, if she played tennis; and she was able +to whisper behind her hand, "Not allowed," and to make +a face in the direction of her father, who was absorbed +for the moment in a theological question with Juliana. +Indeed, before the conversation became general again the +rector had contrived to make a rapid arrangement with +Catherine whereby she was to come with him to the Newberry's +tennis court the day following and learn the game, with +or without permission. + +So the tea was perhaps a success in its way. And it is +noteworthy that Juliana spent the days that followed it +in reading Calvin's "Institutes" (specially loaned to +her) and "Dumfarthing on the Certainty of Damnation" (a +gift), and in praying for her brother--a task practically +without hope. During which same time the rector in white +flannels, and Catherine in a white duck skirt and blouse, +were flying about on the green grass of the Newberrys' +court, and calling, "love," "love all," to one another +so gaily and so brazenly that even Mr. Newberry felt that +there must be something in it. + +But all these things came merely as interludes in the +moving currents of greater events; for as the summer +faded into autumn and autumn into winter the anxieties +of the trustees of St. Asaph's began to call for action +of some sort. + + * * * * * * * + +"Edward," said the rector's father on the occasion of +their next quarterly discussion, "I cannot conceal from +you that the position of things is very serious. Your +statements show a falling off in every direction. Your +interest is everywhere in arrears; your current account +overdrawn to the limit. At this rate, you know, the end +is inevitable. Your debenture and bondholders will decide +to foreclose; and if they do, you know, there is no power +that can stop them. Even with your limited knowledge of +business you are probably aware that there is no higher +power that can influence or control the holder of a first +mortgage." + +"I fear so," said the Rev. Edward very sadly. + +"Do you not think perhaps that some of the shortcoming +lies with yourself?" continued Mr. Furlong. "Is it not +possible that as a preacher you fail somewhat, do not, +as it were, deal sufficiently with fundamental things as +others do? You leave untouched the truly vital issues, +such things as the creation, death, and, if I may refer +to it, the life beyond the grave." + +As a result of which the Reverend Edward preached a series +of special sermons on the creation for which he made a +special and arduous preparation in the library of Plutoria +University. He said that it had taken a million, possibly +a hundred million years of quite difficult work to +accomplish, and that though when we looked at it all was +darkness still we could not be far astray if we accepted +and held fast to the teachings of Sir Charles Lyell. The +book of Genesis, he said was not to be taken as meaning +a day when it said a day, but rather something other than +a mere day; and the word "light" meant not exactly light +but possibly some sort of phosphorescence, and that the +use of the word "darkness" was to be understood not as +meaning darkness, but to be taken as simply indicating +obscurity. And when he had quite finished, the congregation +declared the whole sermon to be mere milk and water. It +insulted their intelligence, they said. After which, a +week later, the Rev. Dr. Dumfarthing took up the same +subject, and with the aid of seven plain texts pulverized +the rector into fragments. + +One notable result of the controversy was that Juliana +Furlong refused henceforth to attend her brother's church +and sat, even at morning service, under the minister of +St. Osoph's. + +"The sermon was, I fear, a mistake," said Mr. Furlong +senior; "perhaps you had better not dwell too much on +such topics. We must look for aid in another direction. +In fact, Edward, I may mention to you in confidence that +certain of your trustees are already devising ways and +means that may help us out of our dilemma." + +Indeed, although the Reverend Edward did not know it, a +certain idea, or plan, was already germinating in the +minds of the most influential supporters of St. Asaph's. + +Such was the situation of the rival churches of St. Asaph +and St. Osoph as the autumn slowly faded into winter: +during which time the elm trees on Plutoria Avenue shivered +and dropped their leaves and the chauffeurs of the motors +first turned blue in their faces and then, when the great +snows came, were suddenly converted into liveried coachmen +with tall bearskins and whiskers like Russian horseguards, +changing back again to blue-nosed chauffeurs the very +moment of a thaw. During this time also the congregation +of the Reverend Fareforth Furlong was diminishing month +by month, and that of the Reverend Uttermust Dumfarthing +was so numerous that they filled up the aisles at the +back of the church. Here the worshippers stood and froze, +for the minister had abandoned the use of steam heat in +St. Osoph's on the ground that he could find no warrant +for it. + +During the same period other momentous things were +happening, such as that Juliana Furlong was reading, +under the immediate guidance of Dr. Dumfarthing, the +History of the Progress of Disruption in the Churches of +Scotland in ten volumes; such also as that Catherine +Dumfarthing was wearing a green and gold winter suit with +Russian furs and a Balkan hat and a Circassian feather, +which cut a wide swath of destruction among the young +men on Plutoria Avenue every afternoon as she passed. +Moreover by the strangest of coincidences she scarcely +ever seemed to come along the snow-covered avenue without +meeting the Reverend Edward--a fact which elicited new +exclamations of surprise from them both every day: and +by an equally strange coincidence they generally seemed, +although coming in different directions, to be bound for +the same place; towards which they wandered together with +such slow steps and in such oblivion of the passers-by +that even the children on the avenue knew by instinct +whither they were wandering. + +It was noted also that the broken figure of Dr. McTeague +had reappeared upon the street, leaning heavily upon a +stick and greeting those he met with such a meek and +willing affability, as if in apology for his stroke of +paralysis, that all who talked with him agreed that +McTeague's mind was a wreck. + +"He stood and spoke to me about the children for at least +a quarter of an hour," related one of his former +parishioners, "asking after them by name, and whether +they were going to school yet and a lot of questions like +that. He never used to speak of such things. Poor old +McTeague, I'm afraid he is getting soft in the head." "I +know," said the person addressed. "His mind is no good. +He stopped me the other day to say how sorry he was to +hear about my brother's illness. I could see from the +way he spoke that his brain is getting feeble. He's losing +his grip. He was speaking of how kind people had been to +him after his accident and there were tears in his eyes. +I think he's getting batty." + +Nor were even these things the most momentous happenings +of the period. For as winter slowly changed to early +spring it became known that something of great portent +was under way. It was rumoured that the trustees of St. +Asaph's Church were putting their heads together. This +was striking news. The last time that the head of Mr. +Lucullus Fyshe, for example, had been placed side by side +with that of Mr. Newberry, there had resulted a merger +of four soda-water companies, bringing what was called +industrial peace over an area as big as Texas and raising +the price of soda by three peaceful cents per bottle. +And the last time that Mr. Furlong senior's head had been +laid side by side with those of Mr. Rasselyer-Brown and +Mr. Skinyer, they had practically saved the country from +the horrors of a coal famine by the simple process of +raising the price of nut coal seventy-five cents a ton +and thus guaranteeing its abundance. + +Naturally, therefore, when it became known that such +redoubtable heads as those of the trustees and the +underlying mortgagees of St. Asaph's were being put +together, it was fully expected that some important +development would follow. It was not accurately known +from which of the assembled heads first proceeded the +great idea which was presently to solve the difficulties +of the church. It may well have come from that of Mr. +Lucullus Fyshe. Certainly a head which had brought peace +out of civil war in the hardware business by amalgamating +ten rival stores and had saved the very lives of five +hundred employees by reducing their wages fourteen per +cent, was capable of it. + +At any rate it was Mr. Fyshe who first gave the idea a +definite utterance. + +"It's the only thing, Furlong," he said, across the lunch +table at the Mausoleum Club. "It's the one solution. The +two churches can't live under the present conditions of +competition. We have here practically the same situation +as we had with two rum distilleries--the output is too +large for the demand. One or both of the two concerns +must go under. It's their turn just now, but these fellows +are business men enough to know that it may be ours +tomorrow. We'll offer them a business solution. We'll +propose a merger." + +"I've been thinking of it," said Mr. Furlong senior, "I +suppose it's feasible?" + +"Feasible!" exclaimed Mr. Fyshe. "Why look what's being +done every day everywhere, from the Standard Oil Company +downwards." + +"You would hardly, I think," said Mr. Furlong, with a +quiet smile, "compare the Standard Oil Company to a +church?" "Well, no, I suppose not," said Mr. Fyshe, and +he too smiled--in fact he almost laughed. The notion +was too ridiculous. One could hardly compare a mere church +to a thing of the magnitude and importance of the Standard +Oil Company. + +"But on a lesser scale," continued Mr. Fyshe, "it's the +same sort of thing. As for the difficulties of it, I +needn't remind you of the much greater difficulties we +had to grapple with in the rum merger. There, you remember, +a number of the women held out as a matter of principle. +It was not mere business with them. Church union is +different. In fact it is one of the ideas of the day and +everyone admits that what is needed is the application +of the ordinary business principles of harmonious +combination, with a proper--er--restriction of output +and general economy of operation." + +"Very good," said Mr. Furlong, "I'm sure if you're willing +to try, the rest of us are." + +"All right," said Mr. Fyshe. "I thought of setting Skinyer, +of Skinyer and Beatem, to work on the form of the +organization. As you know he is not only a deeply religious +man but he has already handled the Tin Pot Combination +and the United Hardware and the Associated Tanneries. He +ought to find this quite simple." + + * * * * * * * + +Within a day or two Mr. Skinyer had already commenced +his labours. "I must first," he said, "get an accurate +idea of the existing legal organization of the two +churches." + +For which purpose he approached the rector of St. Asaph's. +"I just want to ask you, Mr. Furlong," said the lawyer, +"a question or two as to the exact constitution, the form +so to speak, of your church. What is it? Is it a single +corporate body?" + +"I suppose," said the rector thoughtfully, "one would +define it as an indivisible spiritual unit manifesting +itself on earth." "Quite so," interrupted Mr. Skinyer, +"but I don't mean what it is in the religious sense: I +mean, in the real sense." "I fail to understand," said +Mr. Furlong. + +"Let me put it very clearly," said the lawyer. "Where +does it get its authority?" + +"From above." said the rector reverently. + +"Precisely," said Mr. Skinyer, "no doubt, but I mean its +authority in the exact sense of the term." + +"It was enjoined on St. Peter," began the rector, but +Mr. Skinyer interrupted him. + +"That I am aware of," he said, "but what I mean is--where +does your church get its power, for example, to hold +property, to collect debts, to use distraint against the +property of others, to foreclose its mortgages and to +cause judgement to be executed against those who fail to +pay their debts to it? You will say at once that it has +these powers direct from Heaven. No doubt that is true +and no religious person would deny it. But we lawyers +are compelled to take a narrower, a less elevating point +of view. Are these powers conferred on you by the state +legislature or by some higher authority?" + +"Oh, by a higher authority, I hope," said the rector very +fervently. Whereupon Mr. Skinyer left him without further +questioning, the rector's brain being evidently unfit +for the subject of corporation law. + +On the other hand he got satisfaction from the Rev. Dr. +Dumfarthing at once. + +"The church of St. Osoph," said the minister, "is a +perpetual trust, holding property as such under a general +law of the state and able as such to be made the object +of suit or distraint. I speak with some assurance as I +had occasion to enquire into the matter at the time when +I was looking for guidance in regard to the call I had +received to come here." + + * * * * * * * + +"It's a quite simple matter," Mr. Skinyer presently +reported to Mr. Fyshe. "One of the churches is a perpetual +trust, the other practically a state corporation. Each +has full control over its property provided nothing is +done by either to infringe the purity of its doctrine." + +"Just what does that mean?" asked Mr. Fyshe. + +"It must maintain its doctrine absolutely pure. Otherwise +if certain of its trustees remain pure and the rest do +not, those who stay pure are entitled to take the whole +of the property. This, I believe, happens every day in +Scotland where, of course, there is great eagerness to +remain pure in doctrine." + +"And what do you define as _pure_ doctrine?" asked Mr. Fyshe. + +"If the trustees are in dispute," said Mr. Skinyer, "the +courts decide, but any doctrine is held to be a pure +doctrine if _all_ the trustees regard it as a pure doctrine." + +"I see," said Mr. Fyshe thoughtfully, "it's the same +thing as what we called 'permissible policy' on the part +of directors in the Tin Pot Combination." + +"Exactly," assented Mr. Skinyer, "and it means that for +the merger we need nothing--I state it very frankly--except +general consent." + + * * * * * * * + +The preliminary stages of the making of the merger followed +along familiar business lines. The trustees of St. Asaph's +went through the process known as 'approaching' the +trustees of St. Osoph's. First of all, for example, Mr. +Lucullus Fyshe invited Mr. Asmodeus Boulder of St. Osoph's +to lunch with him at the Mausoleum Club; the cost of the +lunch, as is usual in such cases, was charged to the +general expense account of the church. Of course nothing +whatever was said during the lunch about the churches or +their finances or anything concerning them. Such discussion +would have been a gross business impropriety. A few days +later the two brothers Overend dined with Mr. Furlong +senior, the dinner being charged directly to the +contingencies account of St. Asaph's. After which Mr. +Skinyer and his partner, Mr. Beatem, went to the spring +races together on the Profit and Loss account of St. +Osoph's, and Philippa Overend and Catherine Dumfarthing +were taken (by the Unforeseen Disbursements Account) to +the grand opera, followed by a midnight supper. + +All of these things constituted what was called the +promotion of the merger and were almost exactly identical +with the successive stages of the making of the Amalgamated +Distilleries and the Associated Tin Pot Corporation; +which was considered a most hopeful sign. + + * * * * * * * + +"Do you think they'll go into it?" asked Mr. Newberry of +Mr. Furlong senior, anxiously. "After all, what inducement +have they?" + +"Every inducement," said Mr. Furlong. "All said and done +they've only one large asset--Dr. Dumfarthing. We're +really offering to buy up Dr. Dumfarthing by pooling our +assets with theirs." + +"And what does Dr. Dumfarthing himself say to it?" + +"Ah, there I am not so sure," said Mr. Furlong; "that +may be a difficulty. So far there hasn't been a word from +him, and his trustees are absolutely silent about his +views. However, we shall soon know all about it. Skinyer +is asking us all to come together one evening next week +to draw up the articles of agreement." + +"Has he got the financial basis arranged then?" + +"I believe so," said Mr. Furlong. "His idea is to form +a new corporation to be known as the United Church Limited +or by some similar name. All the present mortgagees will +be converted into unified bondholders, the pew rents will +be capitalized into preferred stock and the common stock, +drawing its dividend from the offertory, will be distributed +among all members in standing. Skinyer says that it is +really an ideal form of church union, one that he thinks +is likely to be widely adopted. It has the advantage of +removing all questions of religion, which he says are +practically the only remaining obstacle to a union of +all the churches. In fact it puts the churches once and +for all on a business basis." + +"But what about the question of doctrine, of belief?" +asked Mr. Newberry. + +"Skinyer says he can settle it," answered Mr. Furlong. + + * * * * * * * + +About a week after the above conversation the united +trustees of St. Asaph's and St. Osoph's were gathered +about a huge egg-shaped table in the board room of the +Mausoleum Club. They were seated in intermingled fashion +after the precedent of the recent Tin Pot Amalgamation +and were smoking huge black cigars specially kept by the +club for the promotion of companies and chargeable to +expenses of organization at fifty cents a cigar. There +was an air of deep peace brooding over the assembly, as +among men who have accomplished a difficult and meritorious +task. + +"Well, then," said Mr. Skinyer, who was in the chair, +with a pile of documents in front of him, "I think that +our general basis of financial union may be viewed as +settled." + +A murmur of assent went round the meeting. "The terms +are set forth in the memorandum before us, which you have +already signed. Only one other point--a minor one--remains +to be considered. I refer to the doctrines or the religious +belief of the new amalgamation." + +"Is it necessary to go into that?" asked Mr. Boulder. + +"Not entirely, perhaps," said Mr. Skinyer. "Still there +have been, as you all know, certain points--I won't say +of disagreement--but let us say of friendly +argument--between the members of the different +churches--such things for example," here he consulted +his papers, "as the theory of the creation, the salvation +of the soul, and so forth, have been mentioned in this +connection. I have a memorandum of them here, though the +points escape me for the moment. These, you may say, are +not matters of first importance, especially as compared +with the intricate financial questions which we have +already settled in a satisfactory manner. Still I think +it might be well if I were permitted with your unanimous +approval to jot down a memorandum or two to be afterwards +embodied in our articles." + +There was a general murmur of approval. "Very good," said +Mr. Skinyer, settling himself back in his chair. "Now, +first, in regard to the creation," here he looked all +round the meeting in a way to command attention--"Is it +your wish that we should leave that merely to a gentlemen's +agreement or do you want an explicit clause?" + +"I think it might be well," said Mr. Dick Overend, "to +leave no doubt about the theory of the creation." + +"Good," said Mr. Skinyer. "I am going to put it down then +something after this fashion: 'On and after, let us say, +August 1st proximo, the process of the creation shall be +held, and is hereby held, to be such and such only as is +acceptable to a majority of the holders of common and +preferred stock voting pro rata.' Is that agreed?" + +"Carried," cried several at once. + +"Carried," repeated Mr. Skinyer. "Now let us pass on"--here +he consulted his notes--"to item two, eternal punishment. +I have made a memorandum as follows, 'Should any doubts +arise, on or after August first proximo, as to the +existence of eternal punishment they shall be settled +absolutely and finally by a pro-rata vote of all the +holders of common and preferred stock.' Is that agreed?" + +"One moment!" said Mr. Fyshe, "do you think that quite +fair to the bondholders? After all, as the virtual holders +of the property, they are the persons most interested. +I should like to amend your clause and make it read--I +am not phrasing it exactly but merely giving the sense +of it--that eternal punishment should be reserved for +the mortgagees and bondholders." + +At this there was an outbreak of mingled approval and +dissent, several persons speaking at once. In the opinion +of some the stockholders of the company, especially the +preferred stockholders, had as good a right to eternal +punishment as the bondholders. Presently Mr. Skinyer, +who had been busily writing notes, held up his hand for +silence. + +"Gentlemen," he said, "will you accept this as a compromise? +We will keep the original clause but merely add to it +the words, 'but no form of eternal punishment shall be +declared valid if displeasing to a three-fifths majority +of the holders of bonds.'" + +"Carried, carried," cried everybody. + +"To which I think we need only add," said Mr. Skinyer, +"a clause to the effect that all other points of doctrine, +belief or religious principle may be freely altered, +amended, reversed or entirely abolished at any general +annual meeting!" + +There was a renewed chorus of "Carried, carried," and +the trustees rose from the table shaking hands with one +another, and lighting fresh cigars as they passed out of +the club into the night air. + +"The only thing that I don't understand," said Mr. Newberry +to Dr. Boomer as they went out from the club arm in arm +(for they might now walk in that fashion with the same +propriety as two of the principals in a distillery merger), +"the only thing that I don't understand is why the Reverend +Mr. Dumfarthing should be willing to consent to the +amalgamation." + +"Do you really not know?" said Dr. Boomer. + +"No." + +"You have heard nothing?" + +"Not a word," said Mr. Newberry. + +"Ah," rejoined the president, "I see that our men have +kept it very quiet--naturally so, in view of the +circumstances. The truth is that the Reverend Mr. +Dumfarthing is leaving us." + +"Leaving St. Osoph's!" exclaimed Mr. Newberry in utter +astonishment. + +"To our great regret. He has had a call--a most inviting +field of work, he says, a splendid opportunity. They +offered him ten thousand one hundred; we were only giving +him ten thousand here, though of course that feature of +the situation would not weigh at all with a man like +Dumfarthing." + +"Oh no, of course not," said Mr. Newberry. + +"As soon as we heard of the call we offered him ten +thousand three hundred--not that that would make any +difference to a man of his character. Indeed Dumfarthing +was still waiting and looking for guidance when they +offered him eleven thousand. We couldn't meet it. It was +beyond us, though we had the consolation of knowing that +with such a man as Dumfarthing the money made no +difference." + +"And he has accepted the call?" + +"Yes. He accepted it today. He sent word to Mr. Dick +Overend our chairman, that he would remain in his manse, +looking for light, until two-thirty, after which, if we +had not communicated with him by that hour, he would +cease to look for it." + +"Dear me," said Mr. Newberry, deep in reflection, "so +that when your trustees came to the meeting--" + +"Exactly," said Dr. Boomer--and something like a smile +passed across his features for a moment "Dr. Dumfarthing +had already sent away his telegram of acceptance." + +"Why, then," said Mr. Newberry, "at the time of our +discussion tonight, you were in the position of having +no minister." + +"Not at all. We had already appointed a successor." + +"A successor?" + +"Certainly. It will be in tomorrow morning's papers. The +fact is that we decided to ask Dr. McTeague to resume +his charge." + +"Dr. McTeague!" repeated Mr. Newberry in amazement. "But +surely his mind is understood to be--" + +"Oh not at all," interrupted Dr. Boomer. "His mind appears +if anything, to be clearer and stronger than ever. Dr. +Slyder tells us that paralysis of the brain very frequently +has this effect; it soothes the brain--clears it, as it +were, so that very often intellectual problems which +occasioned the greatest perplexity before present no +difficulty whatever afterwards. Dr. McTeague, I believe, +finds no trouble now in reconciling St. Paul's dialectic +with Hegel as he used to. He says that so far as he can +see they both mean the same thing." + +"Well, well," said Mr. Newberry, "and will Dr. McTeague +also resume his philosophical lectures at the university?" + +"We think it wiser not," said the president. "While we +feel that Dr. McTeague's mind is in admirable condition +for clerical work we fear that professorial duties might +strain it. In order to get the full value of his remarkable +intelligence, we propose to elect him to the governing +body of the university. There his brain will be safe +from any shock. As a professor there would always be the +fear that one of his students might raise a question in +his class. This of course is not a difficulty that arises +in the pulpit or among the governors of the university." + +"Of course not," said Mr. Newberry. + + * * * * * * * + +Thus was constituted the famous union or merger of the +churches of St. Asaph and St. Osoph, viewed by many of +those who made it as the beginning of a new era in the +history of the modern church. + +There is no doubt that it has been in every way an eminent +success. + +Rivalry, competition, and controversies over points of +dogma have become unknown on Plutoria Avenue. The +parishioners of the two churches may now attend either +of them just as they like. As the trustees are fond of +explaining it doesn't make the slightest difference. The +entire receipts of the churches, being now pooled, are +divided without reference to individual attendance. At +each half year there is issued a printed statement which +is addressed to the shareholders of the United Churches +Limited and is hardly to be distinguished in style or +material from the annual and semi-annual reports of the +Tin Pot Amalgamation and the United Hardware and other +quasi-religious bodies of the sort. "Your directors," +the last of these documents states, "are happy to inform +you that in spite of the prevailing industrial depression +the gross receipts of the corporation have shown such an +increase as to justify the distribution of a stock dividend +of special Offertory Stock Cumulative, which will be +offered at par to all holders of common or preferred +shares. You will also be gratified to learn that the +directors have voted unanimously in favour of a special +presentation to the Rev. Uttermust Dumfarthing on the +occasion of his approaching marriage. It was earnestly +debated whether this gift should take the form, as at +first suggested, of a cash presentation, or as afterwards +suggested, of a written testimonial in the form of an +address. The latter course was finally adopted as being +more fitting to the circumstances and the address has +accordingly been prepared, setting forth to the Rev. Dr. +Dumfarthing, in old English lettering and wording, the +opinion which is held of him by his former parishioners." + +The "approaching marriage" referred of course to Dr. +Dumfarthing's betrothal to Juliana Furlong. It was not +known that he had ever exactly proposed to her. But it +was understood that before giving up his charge he drew +her attention, in very severe terms, to the fact that, +as his daughter was now leaving him, he must either have +someone else to look after his manse or else be compelled +to incur the expense of a paid housekeeper. This latter +alternative, he said, was not one that he cared to +contemplate. He also reminded her that she was now at a +time of life when she could hardly expect to pick and +choose and that her spiritual condition was one of, at +least, great uncertainty. These combined statements are +held, under the law of Scotland at any rate, to be +equivalent to an offer of marriage. + +Catherine Dumfarthing did not join her father in his new +manse. She first remained behind him, as the guest of +Philippa Overend for a few weeks while she was occupied +in packing up her things. After that she stayed for +another two or three weeks to unpack them. This had been +rendered necessary by a conversation held with the Reverend +Edward Fareforth Furlong, in a shaded corner of the +Overend's garden. After which, in due course of time, +Catherine and Edward were married, the ceremony being +performed by the Reverend Dr. McTeague whose eyes filled +with philosophical tears as he gave them his blessing. + +So the two churches of St. Asaph and St. Osoph stand side +by side united and at peace. Their bells call softly back +and forward to one another on Sunday mornings and such +is the harmony between them that even the episcopal rooks +in the elm trees of St. Asaph's and the presbyterian +crows in the spruce trees of St. Osoph's are known to +exchange perches on alternate Sundays. + + + +CHAPTER EIGHT: The Great Fight for Clean Government + +"As to the government of this city," said Mr. Newberry, +leaning back in a leather armchair at the Mausoleum Club +and lighting a second cigar, "it's rotten, that's all." + +"Absolutely rotten," assented Mr. Dick Overend, ringing +the bell for a second whiskey and soda. + +"Corrupt," said Mr. Newberry, between two puffs of his +cigar. + +"Full of graft," said Mr. Overend, flicking his ashes +into the grate. + +"Crooked aldermen," said Mr. Newberry. + +"A bum city solicitor," said Mr. Overend, "and an infernal +grafter for treasurer." + +"Yes," assented Mr. Newberry, and then, leaning forwards +in his chair and looking carefully about the corridors +of the club, he spoke behind his hand and said, "And the +mayor's the biggest grafter of the lot. And what's more," +he added, sinking his voice to a whisper, "the time has +come to speak out about it fearlessly." + +Mr. Overend nodded. "It's a tyranny," he said. + +"Worse than Russia," rejoined Mr. Newberry. + + * * * * * * * + +They had been sitting in a quiet corner of the club--it +was on a Sunday evening--and had fallen into talking, +first of all, of the present rottenness of the federal +politics of the United States--not argumentatively or with +any heat, but with the reflective sadness that steals +over an elderly man when he sits in the leather armchair +of a comfortable club smoking a good cigar and musing on +the decadence of the present day. The rottenness of the +federal government didn't anger them. It merely grieved +them. + +They could remember--both of them--how different everything +was when they were young men just entering on life. When +Mr. Newberry and Mr. Dick Overend were young, men went +into congress from pure patriotism; there was no such +thing as graft or crookedness, as they both admitted, in +those days; and as for the United States Senate--here +their voices were almost hushed in awe--why, when they +were young, the United States Senate-- + +But no, neither of them could find a phrase big enough +for their meaning. + +They merely repeated "as for the United States Senate--" +and then shook their heads and took long drinks of whiskey +and soda. + +Then, naturally, speaking of the rottenness of the federal +government had led them to talk of the rottenness of the +state legislature. How different from the state legislatures +that they remembered as young men! Not merely different +in the matter of graft, but different, so Mr. Newberry +said, in the calibre of the men. He recalled how he had +been taken as a boy of twelve by his father to hear a +debate. He would never forget it. Giants! he said, that +was what they were. In fact, the thing was more like a +Witenagemot than a legislature. He said he distinctly +recalled a man, whose name he didn't recollect, speaking +on a question he didn't just remember what, either for +or against he just couldn't recall which; it thrilled +him. He would never forget it. It stayed in his memory +as if it were yesterday. + +But as for the present legislature--here Mr. Dick Overend +sadly nodded assent in advance to what he knew was coming-- +as for the present legislature--well--Mr. Newberry had had, +he said, occasion to visit the state capital a week before +in connection with a railway bill that he was trying +to--that is, that he was anxious to--in short in connection +with a railway bill, and when he looked about him at the +men in the legislature--positively he felt ashamed; he +could put it no other way than that--ashamed. + +After which, from speaking of the crookedness of the +state government Mr. Newberry and Mr. Dick Overend were +led to talk of the crookedness of the city government! +And they both agreed, as above, that things were worse +than in Russia. What secretly irritated them both most +was that they had lived and done business under this +infernal corruption for thirty or forty years and hadn't +noticed it. They had been too busy. + +The fact was that their conversation reflected not so +much their own original ideas as a general wave of feeling +that was passing over the whole community. + +There had come a moment--quite suddenly it seemed--when +it occurred to everybody at the same time that the whole +government of the city was rotten. The word is a strong +one. But it is the one that was used. Look at the aldermen, +they said--rotten! Look at the city solicitor, rotten! +And as for the mayor himself--phew! + +The thing came like a wave. Everybody felt it at once. +People wondered how any sane, intelligent community could +tolerate the presence of a set of corrupt scoundrels like +the twenty aldermen of the city. Their names, it was +said, were simply a byword throughout the United States +for rank criminal corruption. This was said so widely +that everybody started hunting through the daily papers +to try to find out who in blazes were aldermen, anyhow. +Twenty names are hard to remember, and as a matter of +fact, at the moment when this wave of feeling struck the +city, nobody knew or cared who were aldermen, anyway. + +To tell the truth, the aldermen had been much the same +persons for about fifteen or twenty years. Some were in +the produce business, others were butchers, two were +grocers, and all of them wore blue checkered waistcoats +and red ties and got up at seven in the morning to attend +the vegetable and other markets. Nobody had ever really +thought about them--that is to say, nobody on Plutoria +Avenue. Sometimes one saw a picture in the paper and +wondered for a moment who the person was; but on looking +more closely and noticing what was written under it, one +said, "Oh, I see, an alderman," and turned to something +else. + +"Whose funeral is that?" a man would sometimes ask on +Plutoria Avenue. "Oh just one of the city aldermen," a +passerby would answer hurriedly. "Oh I see, I beg your +pardon, I thought it might be somebody important." + +At which both laughed. + + * * * * * * * + +It was not just clear how and where this movement of +indignation had started. People said that it was part of +a new wave of public morality that was sweeping over the +entire United States. Certainly it was being remarked in +almost every section of the country. Chicago newspapers +were attributing its origin to the new vigour and the +fresh ideals of the middle west. In Boston it was said +to be due to a revival of the grand old New England +spirit. In Philadelphia they called it the spirit of +William Penn. In the south it was said to be the reassertion +of southern chivalry making itself felt against the greed +and selfishness of the north, while in the north they +recognized it at once as a protest against the sluggishness +and ignorance of the south. In the west they spoke of it +as a revolt against the spirit of the east and in the +east they called it a reaction against the lawlessness +of the west. But everywhere they hailed it as a new sign +of the glorious unity of the country. + +If therefore Mr. Newberry and Mr. Overend were found to +be discussing the corrupt state of their city they only +shared in the national sentiments of the moment. In fact +in the same city hundreds of other citizens, as +disinterested as themselves, were waking up to the +realization of what was going on. As soon as people began +to look into the condition of things in the city they +were horrified at what they found. It was discovered, +for example, that Alderman Schwefeldampf was an undertaker! +Think of it! In a city with a hundred and fifty deaths +a week, and sometimes even better, an undertaker sat on +the council! A city that was about to expropriate land +and to spend four hundred thousand dollars for a new +cemetery, had an undertaker on the expropriation committee +itself! And worse than that! Alderman Undercutt was a +butcher! In a city that consumed a thousand tons of meat +every week! And Alderman O'Hooligan--it leaked out--was +an Irishman! Imagine it! An Irishman sitting on the police +committee of the council in a city where thirty-eight +and a half out of every hundred policemen were Irish, +either by birth or parentage! The thing was monstrous. + +So when Mr. Newberry said "It's worse than Russia!" he +meant it, every word. + + * * * * * * * + +Now just as Mr. Newberry and Mr. Dick Overend were +finishing their discussion, the huge bulky form of Mayor +McGrath came ponderously past them as they sat. He looked +at them sideways out of his eyes--he had eyes like plums +in a mottled face--and, being a born politician, he knew +by the very look of them that they were talking of +something that they had no business to be talking about. +But,--being a politician--he merely said, "Good evening, +gentlemen," without a sign of disturbance. + +"Good evening, Mr. Mayor," said Mr. Newberry, rubbing +his hands feebly together and speaking in an ingratiating +tone. There is no more pitiable spectacle than an honest +man caught in the act of speaking boldly and fearlessly +of the evil-doer. + +"Good evening, Mr. Mayor," echoed Mr. Dick Overend, also +rubbing his hands; "warm evening, is it not?" + +The mayor gave no other answer than that deep guttural +grunt which is technically known in municipal interviews +as refusing to commit oneself. + +"Did he hear?" whispered Mr. Newberry as the mayor passed +out of the club. + +"I don't care if he did," whispered Mr. Dick Overend. + +Half an hour later Mayor McGrath entered the premises of +the Thomas Jefferson Club, which was situated in the rear +end of a saloon and pool room far down in the town. + +"Boys," he said to Alderman O'Hooligan and Alderman +Gorfinkel, who were playing freeze-out poker in a corner +behind the pool tables, "you want to let the boys know +to keep pretty dark and go easy. There's a lot of talk +I don't like about the elections going round the town. +Let the boys know that just for a while the darker they +keep the better." + +Whereupon the word was passed from the Thomas Jefferson +Club to the George Washington Club and thence to the +Eureka Club (coloured), and to the Kossuth Club (Hungarian), +and to various other centres of civic patriotism in the +lower parts of the city. And forthwith such a darkness +began to spread over them that not even honest Diogenes +with his lantern could have penetrated their doings. + +"If them stiffs wants to make trouble," said the president +of the George Washington Club to Mayor McGrath a day or +two later, "they won't never know what they've bumped up +against." + +"Well," said the heavy mayor, speaking slowly and cautiously +and eyeing his henchman with quiet scrutiny, "you want +to go pretty easy now, I tell you." + +The look which the mayor directed at his satellite was +much the same glance that Morgan the buccaneer might have +given to one of his lieutenants before throwing him +overboard. + + * * * * * * * + +Meantime the wave of civic enthusiasm as reflected in +the conversations of Plutoria Avenue grew stronger with +every day. + +"The thing is a scandal," said Mr. Lucullus Fyshe. "Why, +these fellows down at the city hall are simply a pack of +rogues. I had occasion to do some business there the +other day (it was connected with the assessment of our +soda factories) and do you know, I actually found that +these fellows take money!" + +"I say!" said Mr. Peter Spillikins, to whom he spoke, "I +say! You don't say!" + +"It's a fact," repeated Mr. Fyshe. "They take money. I +took the assistant treasurer aside and I said, 'I want +such and such done,' and I slipped a fifty dollar bill +into his hand. And the fellow took it, took it like a +shot." + +"He took it!" gasped Mr. Spillikins. + +"He did," said Mr. Fyshe. "There ought to be a criminal +law for that sort of thing." + +"I say!" exclaimed Mr. Spillikins, "they ought to go to +jail for a thing like that." + +"And the infernal insolence of them," Mr. Fyshe continued. +"I went down the next day to see the deputy assistant +(about a thing connected with the same matter), told him +what I wanted and passed a fifty dollar bill across the +counter and the fellow fairly threw it back at me, in a +perfect rage. He refused it!" + +"Refused it," gasped Mr. Spillikins, "I say!" + +Conversations such as this filled up the leisure and +divided the business time of all the best people in the +city. + +In the general gloomy outlook, however, one bright spot +was observable. The "wave" had evidently come just at +the opportune moment. For not only were civic elections +pending but just at this juncture four or five questions +of supreme importance would be settled by the incoming +council. There was, for instance, the question of the +expropriation of the Traction Company (a matter involving +many millions); there was the decision as to the renewal +of the franchise of the Citizens' Light Company--a vital +question; there was also the four hundred thousand dollar +purchase of land for the new addition to the cemetery, +a matter that must be settled. And it was felt, especially +on Plutoria Avenue, to be a splendid thing that the city +was waking up, in the moral sense, at the very time when +these things were under discussion. All the shareholders +of the Traction Company and the Citizens' Light--and they +included the very best, the most high-minded, people in +the city--felt that what was needed now was a great moral +effort, to enable them to lift the city up and carry it +with them, or, if not all of it, at any rate as much of +it as they could. + +"It's a splendid movement!" said Mr. Fyshe (he was a +leading shareholder and director of the Citizens' Light), +"what a splendid thing to think that we shan't have to +deal for our new franchise with a set of corrupt +rapscallions like these present aldermen. Do you know, +Furlong, that when we approached them first with a +proposition for a renewal for a hundred and fifty years +they held us up! Said it was too long! Imagine that! A +hundred and fifty years (only a century and a half) too +long for the franchise! They expect us to install all +our poles, string our wires, set up our transformers in +their streets and then perhaps at the end of a hundred +years find ourselves compelled to sell out at a beggarly +valuation. Of course we knew what they wanted. They meant +us to hand them over fifty dollars each to stuff into +their rascally pockets." + +"Outrageous!" said Mr. Furlong. + +"And the same thing with the cemetery land deal," went +on Mr. Lucullus Fyshe. "Do you realize that, if the +movement hadn't come along and checked them, those +scoundrels would have given that rogue Schwefeldampf four +hundred thousand dollars for his fifty acres! Just think +of it!" + +"I don't know," said Mr. Furlong with a thoughtful look +upon his face, "that four hundred thousand dollars is an +excessive price, in and of itself, for that amount of +land." + +"Certainly not," said Mr. Fyshe, very quietly and decidedly, +looking at Mr. Furlong in a searching way as he spoke. +"It is _not_ a high price. It seems to me, speaking purely +as an outsider, a very fair, reasonable price for fifty +acres of suburban land, if it were the right land. If, +for example, it were a case of making an offer for that +very fine stretch of land, about twenty acres, is it not, +which I believe your Corporation owns on the _other_ side +of the cemetery, I should say four hundred thousand is +a most modest price." + +Mr. Furlong nodded his head reflectively. + +"You had thought, had you not, of offering it to the +city?" said Mr. Fyshe. + +"We did," said Mr. Furlong, "at a more or less nominal +sum--four hundred thousand or whatever it might be. We +felt that for such a purpose, almost sacred as it were, +one would want as little bargaining as possible." + +"Oh, none at all," assented Mr. Fyshe. + +"Our feeling was," went on Mr. Furlong, "that if the city +wanted our land for the cemetery extension, it might have +it at its own figure--four hundred thousand, half a +million, in fact at absolutely any price, from four +hundred thousand up, that they cared to put on it. We +didn't regard it as a commercial transaction at all. Our +reward lay merely in the fact of selling it to them." + +"Exactly," said Mr. Fyshe, "and of course your land was +more desirable from every point of view. Schwefeldampf's +ground is encumbered with a growth of cypress and evergreens +and weeping willows which make it quite unsuitable for +an up-to-date cemetery; whereas yours, as I remember it, +is bright and open--a loose sandy soil with no trees and +very little grass to overcome." + +"Yes," said Mr. Furlong. "We thought, too, that our +ground, having the tanneries and the chemical factory +along the farther side of it, was an ideal place for--" +he paused, seeking a mode of expressing his thought. + +"For the dead," said Mr. Fyshe, with becoming reverence. +And after this conversation Mr. Fyshe and Mr. Furlong +senior understood one another absolutely in regard to +the new movement. + +It was astonishing in fact how rapidly the light spread. + +"Is Rasselyer-Brown with us?" asked someone of Mr. Fyshe +a few days later. + +"Heart and soul," answered Mr. Fyshe. "He's very bitter +over the way these rascals have been plundering the city +on its coal supply. He says that the city has been buying +coal wholesale at the pit mouth at three fifty--utterly +worthless stuff, he tells me. He has heard it said that +everyone of these scoundrels has been paid from twenty-five +to fifty dollars a winter to connive at it." + +"Dear me," said the listener. + +"Abominable, is it not?" said Mr. Fyshe. "But as I said +to Rasselyer-Brown, what can one do if the citizens +themselves take no interest in these things. 'Take your +own case,' I said to him, 'how is it that you, a coal +man, are not helping the city in this matter? Why don't +you supply the city?' He shook his head, 'I wouldn't do +it at three-fifty,' he said. 'No,' I answered, 'but will +you at five?' He looked at me for a moment and then he +said, 'Fyshe, I'll do it; at five, or at anything over +that they like to name. If we get a new council in they +may name their own figure.' 'Good,' I said. 'I hope all +the other businessmen will be animated with the same +spirit.'" + + * * * * * * * + +Thus it was that the light broke and spread and illuminated +in all directions. People began to realize the needs of +the city as they never had before. Mr. Boulder, who owned, +among other things, a stone quarry and an asphalt company, +felt that the paving of the streets was a disgrace. Mr. +Skinyer, of Skinyer and Beatem, shook his head and said +that the whole legal department of the city needed +reorganization; it needed, he said, new blood. But he +added always in a despairing tone, how could one expect +to run a department with the head of it drawing only six +thousand dollars; the thing was impossible. If, he argued, +they could superannuate the present chief solicitor and +get a man, a _good_ man (Mr. Skinyer laid emphasis on this) +at, say, fifteen thousand there might be some hope. + +"Of course," said Mr. Skinyer to Mr. Newberry in discussing +the topic, "one would need to give him a proper staff of +assistants so as to take off his hands all the _routine_ +work--the mere appearance in court, the preparation of +briefs, the office consultation, the tax revision and +the purely legal work. In that case he would have his +hands free to devote himself entirely to those things, +which--in fact to turn his attention in whatever direction +he might feel it was advisable to turn it." + + * * * * * * * + +Within a week or two the public movement had found definite +expression and embodied itself in the Clean Government +Association. This was organized by a group of leading +and disinterested citizens who held their first meeting +in the largest upstairs room of the Mausoleum Club. Mr. +Lucullus Fyshe, Mr. Boulder, and others keenly interested +in obtaining simply justice for the stockholders of the +Traction and the Citizens' Light were prominent from the +start. Mr. Rasselyer-Brown, Mr. Furlong senior and others +were there, not from special interest in the light or +traction questions, but, as they said themselves, from +pure civic spirit. Dr. Boomer was there to represent the +university with three of his most presentable professors, +cultivated men who were able to sit in a first-class club +and drink whiskey and soda and talk as well as any +businessman present. Mr. Skinyer, Mr. Beatem and others +represented the bar. Dr. McTeague, blinking in the blue +tobacco smoke, was there to stand for the church. There +were all-round enthusiasts as well, such as Mr. Newberry +and the Overend brothers and Mr. Peter Spillikins. + +"Isn't it fine," whispered Mr. Spillikins to Mr. Newberry, +"to see a set of men like these all going into a thing +like this, not thinking of their own interests a bit?" + + * * * * * * * + +Mr. Fyshe, as chairman, addressed the meeting. He told +them they were there to initiate a great free voluntary +movement of the people. It had been thought wise, he +said, to hold it with closed doors and to keep it out of +the newspapers. This would guarantee the league against +the old underhand control by a clique that had hitherto +disgraced every part of the administration of the city. +He wanted, he said, to see everything done henceforth in +broad daylight: and for this purpose he had summoned them +there at night to discuss ways and means of action. After +they were once fully assured of exactly what they wanted +to do and how they meant to do it, the league he said, +would invite the fullest and freest advice from all +classes in the city. There were none he said, amid great +applause, that were so lowly that they would not be +invited--once the platform of the league was settled--to +advise and co-operate. All might help, even the poorest. +Subscription lists would be prepared which would allow +any sum at all, from one to five dollars, to be given to +the treasurer. The league was to be democratic or nothing. +The poorest might contribute as little as one dollar: +even the richest would not be allowed to give more than +five. Moreover he gave notice that he intended to propose +that no actual official of the league should be allowed +under its by-laws to give anything. He himself--if they +did him the honour to make him president as he had heard +it hinted was their intention--would be the first to bow +to this rule. He would efface himself. He would obliterate +himself, content in the interests of all, to give nothing. +He was able to announce similar pledges from his friends, +Mr. Boulder, Mr. Furlong, Dr. Boomer, and a number of +others. + +Quite a storm of applause greeted these remarks by Mr. +Fyshe, who flushed with pride as he heard it. + +"Now, gentlemen," he went on, "this meeting is open for +discussion. Remember it is quite informal, anyone may +speak. I as chairman make no claim to control or monopolize +the discussion. Let everyone understand--" + +"Well then, Mr. Chairman," began Mr. Dick Overend. + +"One minute, Mr. Overend," said Mr. Fyshe. "I want everyone +to understand that he may speak as--" + +"May I say then--" began Mr. Newberry. + +"Pardon me, Mr. Newberry," said Mr. Fyshe, "I was wishing +first to explain that not only may _all_ participate but +that we _invite_--" + +"In that case--" began Mr. Newberry. + +"Before you speak," interrupted Mr. Fyshe, "let me add +one word. We must make our discussion as brief and to +the point as possible. I have a great number of things +which I wish to say to the meeting and it might be well +if all of you would speak as briefly and as little as +possible. Has anybody anything to say?" + +"Well," said Mr. Newberry, "what about organization and +officers?" + +"We have thought of it," said Mr. Fyshe. "We were anxious +above all things to avoid the objectionable and corrupt +methods of a 'slate' and a prepared list of officers +which has disgraced every part of our city politics until +the present time. Mr. Boulder, Mr. Furlong and Mr. Skinyer +and myself have therefore prepared a short list of offices +and officers which we wish to submit to your fullest, +freest consideration. It runs thus: Hon. President Mr. +L. Fyshe, Hon. Vice-president, Mr. A. Boulder, Hon. +Secretary Mr. Furlong, Hon. Treasurer Mr. O. Skinyer, et +cetera--I needn't read it all. You'll see it posted in +the hall later. Is that carried? Carried! Very good," +said Mr. Fyshe. + +There was a moment's pause while Mr. Furlong and Mr. +Skinyer moved into seats beside Mr. Fyshe and while Mr. +Furlong drew from his pocket and arranged the bundle of +minutes of the meeting which he had brought with him. As +he himself said he was too neat and methodical a writer +to trust to jotting them down on the spot. + +"Don't you think," said Mr. Newberry, "I speak as a +practical man, that we ought to do something to get the +newspapers with us?" + +"Most important," assented several members. + +"What do you think, Dr. Boomer?" asked Mr. Fyshe of the +university president, "will the newspapers be with us?" + +Dr. Boomer shook his head doubtfully. "It's an important +matter," he said. "There is no doubt that we need, more +than anything, the support of a clean, wholesome unbiassed +press that can't be bribed and is not subject to money +influence. I think on the whole our best plan would be +to buy up one of the city newspapers." + +"Might it not be better simply to buy up the editorial +staff?" said Mr. Dick Overend. + +"We might do that," admitted Dr. Boomer. "There is no +doubt that the corruption of the press is one of the +worst factors that we have to oppose. But whether we can +best fight it by buying the paper itself or buying the +staff is hard to say." + +"Suppose we leave it to a committee with full power to +act," said Mr. Fyshe. "Let us direct them to take whatever +steps may in their opinion be best calculated to elevate +the tone of the press, the treasurer being authorized to +second them in every way. I for one am heartily sick of +old underhand connection between city politics and the +city papers. If we can do anything to alter and elevate +it, it will be a fine work, gentlemen, well worth whatever +it costs us." + + * * * * * * * + +Thus after an hour or two of such discussion the Clean +Government League found itself organized and equipped +with a treasury and a programme and a platform. The latter +was very simple. As Mr. Fyshe and Mr. Boulder said there +was no need to drag in specific questions or try to define +the action to be taken towards this or that particular +detail, such as the hundred-and-fifty-year franchise, +beforehand. The platform was simply expressed as Honesty, +Purity, Integrity. This, as Mr. Fyshe said, made a +straight, flat, clean issue between the league and all +who opposed it. + +This first meeting was, of course, confidential. But all +that it did was presently done over again, with wonderful +freshness and spontaneity at a large public meeting open +to all citizens. There was a splendid impromptu air about +everything. For instance when somebody away back in the +hall said, "I move that Mr. Lucullus Fyshe be president +of the league," Mr. Fyshe lifted his hand in unavailing +protest as if this were the newest idea he had ever heard +in his life. + +After all of which the Clean Government League set itself +to fight the cohorts of darkness. It was not just known +where these were. But it was understood that they were +there all right, somewhere. In the platform speeches of +the epoch they figured as working underground, working +in the dark, working behind the scenes, and so forth. +But the strange thing was that nobody could state with +any exactitude just who or what it was that the league +was fighting. It stood for "honesty, purity, and integrity." +That was all you could say about it. + +Take, for example, the case of the press. At the inception +of the league it has been supposed that such was the +venality and corruption of the city newspapers that it +would be necessary to buy one of them. But the word "clean +government" had been no sooner uttered than it turned out +that every one of the papers in the city was in favour +of it: in fact had been working for it for years. + +They vied with one another now in giving publicity to +the idea. The _Plutorian Times_ printed a dotted coupon on +the corner of its front sheet with the words, "Are you +in favour of Clean Government? If so, send us ten cents +with this coupon and your name and address." The _Plutorian +Citizen and Home Advocate_, went even further. It printed +a coupon which said, "Are you out for a clean city? If +so send us twenty-five cents to this office. We pledge +ourselves to use it." + +The newspapers did more than this. They printed from day +to day such pictures as the portrait of Mr. Fyshe with +the legend below, "Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, who says that +government ought to be by the people, from the people, +for the people and to the people"; and the next day +another labelled. "Mr. P. Spillikins, who says that all +men are born free and equal"; and the next day a picture +with the words, "Tract of ground offered for cemetery by +Mr. Furlong, showing rear of tanneries, with head of Mr. +Furlong inserted." + +It was, of course, plain enough that certain of the +aldermen of the old council were to be reckoned as part +of the cohort of darkness. That at least was clear. "We +want no more men in control of the stamp of Alderman +Gorfinkel and Alderman Schwefeldampf," so said practically +every paper in the city. "The public sense revolts at +these men. They are vultures who have feasted too long +on the prostrate corpses of our citizens." And so on. +The only trouble was to discover who or what had ever +supported Alderman Gorfinkel and Alderman Schwefeldampf. +The very organizations that might have seemed to be behind +them were evidently more eager for clean government than +the league itself. + +"The Thomas Jefferson Club Out for Clean Government," so +ran the newspaper headings of one day; and of the next, +"Will help to clean up City Government. Eureka Club +(Coloured) endorses the League; Is done with Darkness"; +and the day after that, "Sons of Hungary Share in Good +Work: Kossuth Club will vote with the League." + +So strong, indeed, was the feeling against the iniquitous +aldermen that the public demand arose to be done with a +council of aldermen altogether and to substitute government +by a Board. The newspapers contained editorials on the +topic each day and it was understood that one of the +first efforts of the league would be directed towards +getting the necessary sanction of the legislature in this +direction. To help to enlighten the public on what such +government meant Professor Proaser of the university (he +was one of the three already referred to) gave a public +lecture on the growth of Council Government. He traced +it from the Amphictionic Council of Greece as far down +as the Oligarchical Council of Venice; it was thought +that had the evening been longer he would have traced it +clean down to modern times. + +But most amazing of all was the announcement that was +presently made, and endorsed by Mr. Lucullus Fyshe in an +interview, that Mayor McGrath himself would favour clean +government, and would become the official nominee of the +league itself. This certainly was strange. But it would +perhaps have been less mystifying to the public at large, +had they been able to listen to certain of the intimate +conversations of Mr. Fyshe and Mr. Boulder. + +"You say then," said Mr. Boulder, "to let McGrath's name +stand." + +"We can't do without him," said Mr. Fyshe, "he has seven +of the wards in the hollow of his hand. If we take his +offer he absolutely pledges us every one of them." + +"Can you rely on his word?" said Mr. Boulder. + +"I think he means to play fair with us," answered Mr. +Fyshe. "I put it to him as a matter of honour, between +man and man, a week ago. Since then, I have had him +carefully dictaphoned and I'm convinced he's playing +straight." + +"How far will he go with us?" said Mr. Boulder. + +"He is willing to throw overboard Gorfinkel, Schwefeldampf +and Undercutt. He says he must find a place for O'Hooligan. +The Irish, he says, don't care for clean government; they +want Irish Government." + +"I see," said Mr. Boulder very thoughtfully, "and in +regard to the renewal of the franchise and the +expropriation, tell me just exactly what his conditions +are." + +But Mr. Fyshe's answer to this was said so discreetly +and in such a low voice, that not even the birds listening +in the elm trees outside the Mausoleum Club could hear +it. + +No wonder, then, that if even the birds failed to know +everything about the Clean Government League, there were +many things which such good people as Mr. Newberry and +Mr. Peter Spillikins never heard at all and never guessed. + + * * * * * * * + +Each week and every day brought fresh triumphs to the +onward march of the movement. + +"Yes, gentlemen," said Mr. Fyshe to the assembled committee +of the Clean Government League a few days later, "I am +glad to be able to report our first victory. Mr. Boulder +and I have visited the state capital and we are able to +tell you definitely that the legislature will consent to +change our form of government so as to replace our council +by a Board." + +"Hear, hear!" cried all the committee men together. + +"We saw the governor," said Mr. Fyshe. "Indeed he was +good enough to lunch with us at the Pocahontas Club. He +tells us that what we are doing is being done in every +city and town of the state. He says that the days of the +old-fashioned city council are numbered. They are setting +up boards everywhere." + +"Excellent!" said Mr. Newberry. + +"The governor assures us that what we want will be done. +The chairman of the Democratic State Committee (he was +good enough to dine with us at the Buchanan Club) has +given us the same assurance. So also does the chairman +of the Republican State Committee, who was kind enough +to be our guest in a box at the Lincoln Theatre. It is +most gratifying," concluded Mr. Fyshe, "to feel that the +legislature will give us such a hearty, such a thoroughly +American support." + +"You are sure of this, are you?" questioned Mr. Newberry. +"You have actually seen the members of the legislature?" + +"It was not necessary," said Mr. Fyshe. "The governor +and the different chairmen have them so well fixed--that +is to say, they have such confidence in the governor and +their political organizers that they will all be prepared +to give us what I have described as thoroughly American +support." + +"You are quite sure," persisted Mr. Newberry, "about the +governor and the others you mentioned?" + +Mr. Fyshe paused a moment and then he said very quietly, +"We are quite sure," and he exchanged a look with Mr. +Boulder that meant volumes to those who would read it. + + * * * * * * * + +"I hope you didn't mind my questioning you in that +fashion," said Mr. Newberry, as he and Mr. Fyshe strolled +home from the club. "The truth is I didn't feel sure in +my own mind just what was meant by a 'Board,' and 'getting +them to give us government by a Board.' I know I'm speaking +like an ignoramus. I've really not paid as much attention +in the past to civic politics as I ought to have. But +what is the difference between a council and a board?" + +"The difference between a council and a board?" repeated +Mr. Fyshe. + +"Yes," said Mr. Newberry, "the difference between a +council and a board." + +"Or call it," said Mr. Fyshe reflectively, "the difference +between a board and a council." + +"Precisely," said Mr Newberry. + +"It's not altogether easy to explain," said Mr. Fyshe. +"One chief difference is that in the case of a board, +sometimes called a Commission, the salary is higher. You +see the salary of an alderman or councillor in most cities +is generally not more than fifteen hundred or two thousand +dollars. The salary of a member of a board or commission +is at least ten thousand. That gives you at once a very +different class of men. As long as you only pay fifteen +hundred you get your council filled up with men who will +do any kind of crooked work for fifteen hundred dollars; +as soon as you pay ten thousand you get men with larger +ideas." + +"I see," said Mr. Newberry. + +"If you have a fifteen hundred dollar man," Mr. Fyshe +went on, "you can bribe him at any time with a fifty-dollar +bill. On the other hand your ten-thousand-dollar man has +a wider outlook. If you offer him fifty dollars for his +vote on the board, he'd probably laugh at you." + +"Ah, yes," said Mr. Newberry, "I see the idea. A +fifteen-hundred-dollar salary is so low that it will +tempt a lot of men into office merely for what they can +get out of it." + +"That's it exactly," answered Mr. Fyshe. + + * * * * * * * + +From all sides support came to the new league. The women +of the city--there were fifty thousand of them on the +municipal voters list--were not behind the men. Though +not officials of the league they rallied to its cause. + +"Mr. Fyshe," said Mrs. Buncomhearst, who called at the +office of the president of the league with offers of +support, "tell me what we can do. I represent fifty +thousand women voters of this city--" + +(This was a favourite phrase of Mrs. Buncomhearst's, +though it had never been made quite clear how or why she +represented them.) + +"We want to help, we women. You know we've any amount of +initiative, if you'll only tell us what to do. You know, +Mr. Fyshe, we've just as good executive ability as you +men, if you'll just tell us what to do. Couldn't we hold +a meeting of our own, all our own, to help the league +along?" + +"An excellent idea," said Mr. Fyshe. + +"And could you not get three or four men to come and +address it so as to stir us up?" asked Mrs. Buncomhearst +anxiously. + +"Oh, certainly," said Mr. Fyshe. + +So it was known after this that the women were working +side by side with the men. The tea rooms of the Grand +Palaver and the other hotels were filled with them every +day, busy for the cause. One of them even invented a +perfectly charming election scarf to be worn as a sort +of badge to show one's allegiance; and its great merit +was that it was so fashioned that it would go with +anything. + +"Yes," said Mr. Fyshe to his committee, "one of the finest +signs of our movement is that the women of the city are +with us. Whatever we may think, gentlemen, of the question +of woman's rights in general--and I think we know what +we _do_ think--there is no doubt that the influence of +women makes for purity in civic politics. I am glad to +inform the committee that Mrs. Buncomhearst and her +friends have organized all the working women of the city +who have votes. They tell me that they have been able to +do this at a cost as low as five dollars per woman. Some +of the women--foreigners of the lower classes whose sense +of political morality is as yet imperfectly developed--have +been organized at a cost as low as one dollar per vote. +But of course with our native American women, with a +higher standard of education and morality, we can hardly +expect to do it as low as that." + + * * * * * * * + +Nor were the women the only element of support added to +the league. + +"Gentlemen," reported Dr. Boomer, the president of the +university, at the next committee meeting, "I am glad to +say that the spirit which animates us has spread to the +students of the university. They have organized, entirely +by themselves and on their own account, a Students' Fair +Play League which has commenced its activities. I understand +that they have already ducked Alderman Gorfinkel in a +pond near the university. I believe they are looking for +Alderman Schwefeldampf tonight. I understand they propose +to throw him into the reservoir. The leaders of them--a +splendid set of young fellows--have given me a pledge +that they will do nothing to bring discredit on the +university." + +"I think I heard them on the street last night," said +Mr. Newberry. + +"I believe they had a procession," said the president. + +"Yes, I heard them; they were shouting 'Rah! rah! rah! +Clean Government! Clean Government! Rah! rah!' It was +really inspiring to hear them." + +"Yes," said the president, "they are banded together to +put down all the hoodlumism and disturbance on the street +that has hitherto disgraced our municipal elections. Last +night, as a demonstration, they upset two streetcars and +a milk wagon." + +"I heard that two of them were arrested," said Mr. Dick +Overend. + +"Only by an error," said the president. "There was a +mistake. It was not known that they were students. The +two who were arrested were smashing the windows of the +car, after it was upset, with their hockey sticks. A +squad of police mistook them for rioters. As soon as they +were taken to the police station, the mistake was cleared +up at once. The chief-of-police telephoned an apology to +the university. I believe the league is out again tonight +looking for Alderman Schwefeldampf. But the leaders assure +me there will be no breach of the peace whatever. As I +say, I think their idea is to throw him into the reservoir." + +In the face of such efforts as these, opposition itself +melted rapidly away. The _Plutorian Times_ was soon able +to announce that various undesirable candidates were +abandoning the field. "Alderman Gorfinkel," it said, +"who, it will be recalled, was thrown into a pond last +week by the students of the college, was still confined +to his bed when interviewed by our representative. Mr. +Gorfinkel stated that he should not offer himself as a +candidate in the approaching election. He was, he said, +weary of civic honours. He had had enough. He felt it +incumbent on him to step out and make way for others who +deserved their turn as well as himself: in future he +proposed to confine his whole attention to his Misfit +Semi-Ready Establishment which he was happy to state was +offering as nobby a line of early fall suiting as was +ever seen at the price." + + * * * * * * * + +There is no need to recount here in detail the glorious +triumph of the election day itself. It will always be +remembered as the purest, cleanest election ever held in +the precincts of the city. The citizens' organization +turned out in overwhelming force to guarantee that it +should be so. Bands of Dr. Boomer's students, armed with +baseball bats, surrounded the polls to guarantee fair +play. Any man wishing to cast an unclean vote was driven +from the booth: all those attempting to introduce any +element of brute force or rowdyism into the election were +cracked over the head. In the lower part of the town +scores of willing workers, recruited often from the +humblest classes, kept order with pickaxes. In every part +of the city motor cars, supplied by all the leading +businessmen, lawyers, and doctors of the city, acted as +patrols to see that no unfair use should be made of other +vehicles in carrying voters to the polls. + +It was a foregone victory from the first--overwhelming +and complete. The cohorts of darkness were so completely +routed that it was practically impossible to find them. +As it fell dusk the streets were filled with roaring and +surging crowds celebrating the great victory for clean +government, while in front of every newspaper office huge +lantern pictures of _Mayor McGrath the Champion of Pure +Government_, and _O. Skinyer, the People's Solicitor_, and +the other nominees of the league, called forth cheer +after cheer of frenzied enthusiasm. + + * * * * * * * + +They held that night in celebration a great reception at +the Mausoleum Club on Plutoria Avenue, given at its own +suggestion by the city. The city, indeed, insisted on it. + +Nor was there ever witnessed even in that home of art +and refinement a scene of greater charm. In the spacious +corridor of the club a Hungarian band wafted Viennese +music from Tyrolese flutes through the rubber trees. +There was champagne bubbling at a score of sideboards +where noiseless waiters poured it into goblets as broad +and flat as floating water-lily leaves. And through it +all moved the shepherds and shepherdesses of that beautiful +Arcadia--the shepherds in their Tuxedo jackets, with vast +white shirt-fronts broad as the map of Africa, with +spotless white waistcoats girdling their equators, wearing +heavy gold watch-chains and little patent shoes blacker +than sin itself--and the shepherdesses in foaming billows +of silks of every colour of the kaleidoscope, their hair +bound with glittering headbands or coiled with white +feathers, the very symbol of municipal purity. One would +search in vain the pages of pastoral literature to find +the equal of it. + +And as they talked, the good news spread from group to +group that it was already known that the new franchise +of the Citizens' Light was to be made for two centuries +so as to give the company a fair chance to see what it +could do. At the word of it, the grave faces of manly +bondholders flushed with pride, and the soft eyes of +listening shareholders laughed back in joy. For they had +no doubt or fear, now that clean government had come. +They knew what the company could do. + +Thus all night long, outside of the club, the soft note +of the motor horns arriving and departing wakened the +sleeping leaves of the elm trees with their message of +good tidings. And all night long, within its lighted +corridors, the bubbling champagne whispered to the +listening rubber trees of the new salvation of the city. +So the night waxed and waned till the slow day broke, +dimming with its cheap prosaic glare the shaded beauty +of the artificial light, and the people of the city--the +best of them--drove home to their well-earned sleep; and +the others--in the lower parts of the city--rose to their +daily toil. + +END + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Arcadian Adventures With the Idle Rich, by Leacock + diff --git a/old/rcddv10.zip b/old/rcddv10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1648bee --- /dev/null +++ b/old/rcddv10.zip |