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diff --git a/4020.txt b/4020.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1be17b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/4020.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7778 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Arcadian Adventures with the Idle Rich, by +Stephen Leacock + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Arcadian Adventures with the Idle Rich + +Author: Stephen Leacock + +Posting Date: June 4, 2009 [EBook #4020] +Release Date: May, 2003 +First Posted: October 11, 2001 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ACADIAN ADVENTURES, IDLE RICH *** + + + + +Produced by Gardner Buchanan. HTML version by Al Haines. + + + + + + + + + +Arcadian Adventures With the Idle Rich + + +By + +Stephen Leacock, 1869-1944 + + + + +CONTENTS + + I A Little Dinner with Mr. Lucullus Fyshe + II The Wizard of Finance + III The Arrested Philanthropy of Mr. Tomlinson + IV The Yahi-Bahi Oriental Society of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown + V The Love Story of Mr. Peter Spillikins + VI The Rival Churches of St. Asaph and St. Osoph + VII The Ministrations of the Rev. Uttermust Dumfarthing + VIII The Great Fight for Clean Government + + + +CHAPTER ONE: A Little Dinner with Mr. Lucullus Fyshe + +The Mausoleum Club stands on the quietest corner of the best +residential street in the City. It is a Grecian building of white +stone. About it are great elm trees with birds--the most expensive kind +of birds--singing in the branches. + +The street in the softer hours of the morning has an almost reverential +quiet. Great motors move drowsily along it, with solitary chauffeurs +returning at 10.30 after conveying the earlier of the millionaires to +their downtown offices. The sunlight flickers through the elm trees, +illuminating expensive nurse-maids wheeling valuable children in little +perambulators. Some of the children are worth millions and millions. In +Europe, no doubt, you may see in the Unter den Linden avenue or the +Champs Elysees a little prince or princess go past with a clattering +military guard of honour. But that is nothing. It is not half so +impressive, in the real sense, as what you may observe every morning on +Plutoria Avenue beside the Mausoleum Club in the quietest part of the +city. Here you may see a little toddling princess in a rabbit suit who +owns fifty distilleries in her own right. There, in a lacquered +perambulator, sails past a little hooded head that controls from its +cradle an entire New Jersey corporation. The United States +attorney-general is suing her as she sits, in a vain attempt to make +her dissolve herself into constituent companies. Near by is a child of +four, in a khaki suit, who represents the merger of two trunk-line +railways. You may meet in the flickered sunlight any number of little +princes and princesses far more real than the poor survivals of Europe. +Incalculable infants wave their fifty-dollar ivory rattles in an +inarticulate greeting to one another. A million dollars of preferred +stock laughs merrily in recognition of a majority control going past in +a go-cart drawn by an imported nurse. And through it all the sunlight +falls through the elm trees, and the birds sing and the motors hum, so +that the whole world as seen from the boulevard of Plutoria Avenue is +the very pleasantest place imaginable. + +Just below Plutoria Avenue, and parallel with it, the trees die out and +the brick and stone of the City begins in earnest. Even from the Avenue +you see the tops of the sky-scraping buildings in the big commercial +streets, and can hear or almost hear the roar of the elevated railway, +earning dividends. And beyond that again the City sinks lower, and is +choked and crowded with the tangled streets and little houses of the +slums. + +In fact, if you were to mount to the roof of the Mausoleum Club itself +on Plutoria Avenue you could almost see the slums from there. But why +should you? And on the other hand, if you never went up on the roof, +but only dined inside among the palm trees, you would never know that +the slums existed which is much better. + +There are broad steps leading up to the club, so broad and so agreeably +covered with matting that the physical exertion of lifting oneself from +one's motor to the door of the club is reduced to the smallest compass. +The richer members are not ashamed to take the steps one at a time, +first one foot and then the other; and at tight money periods, when +there is a black cloud hanging over the Stock Exchange, you may see +each and every one of the members of the Mausoleum Club dragging +himself up the steps after this fashion, his restless eyes filled with +the dumb pathos of a man wondering where he can put his hand on half a +million dollars. + +But at gayer times, when there are gala receptions at the club, its +steps are all buried under expensive carpet, soft as moss and covered +over with a long pavilion of red and white awning to catch the +snowflakes; and beautiful ladies are poured into the club by the +motorful. Then, indeed, it is turned into a veritable Arcadia; and for +a beautiful pastoral scene, such as would have gladdened the heart of a +poet who understood the cost of things, commend me to the Mausoleum +Club on just such an evening. Its broad corridors and deep recesses are +filled with shepherdesses such as you never saw, dressed in beautiful +shimmering gowns, and wearing feathers in their hair that droop off +sideways at every angle known to trigonometry. And there are shepherds, +too, with broad white waistcoats and little patent leather shoes and +heavy faces and congested cheeks. And there is dancing and conversation +among the shepherds and shepherdesses, with such brilliant flashes of +wit and repartee about the rise in Wabash and the fall in Cement that +the soul of Louis Quatorze would leap to hear it. And later there is +supper at little tables, when the shepherds and shepherdesses consume +preferred stocks and gold-interest bonds in the shape of chilled +champagne and iced asparagus, and great platefuls of dividends and +special quarterly bonuses are carried to and fro in silver dishes by +Chinese philosophers dressed up to look like waiters. + +But on ordinary days there are no ladies in the club, but only the +shepherds. You may see them sitting about in little groups of two and +three under the palm trees drinking whiskey and soda; though of course +the more temperate among them drink nothing but whiskey and Lithia +water, and those who have important business to do in the afternoon +limit themselves to whiskey and Radnor, or whiskey and Magi water. +There are as many kinds of bubbling, gurgling, mineral waters in the +caverns of the Mausoleum Club as ever sparkled from the rocks of +Homeric Greece. And when you have once grown used to them, it is as +impossible to go back to plain water as it is to live again in the +forgotten house in a side street that you inhabited long before you +became a member. + +Thus the members sit and talk in undertones that float to the ear +through the haze of Havana smoke. You may hear the older men explaining +that the country is going to absolute ruin, and the younger ones +explaining that the country is forging ahead as it never did before; +but chiefly they love to talk of great national questions, such as the +protective tariff and the need of raising it, the sad decline of the +morality of the working man, the spread of syndicalism and the lack of +Christianity in the labour class, and the awful growth of selfishness +among the mass of the people. + +So they talk, except for two or three that drop off to directors' +meetings; till the afternoon fades and darkens into evening, and the +noiseless Chinese philosophers turn on soft lights here and there among +the palm trees. Presently they dine at white tables glittering with cut +glass and green and yellow Rhine wines; and after dinner they sit again +among the palm-trees, half-hidden in the blue smoke, still talking of +the tariff and the labour class and trying to wash away the memory and +the sadness of it in floods of mineral waters. So the evening passes +into night, and one by one the great motors come throbbing to the door, +and the Mausoleum Club empties and darkens till the last member is +borne away and the Arcadian day ends in well-earned repose. + + * * * * * + +"I want you to give me your opinion very, very frankly," said Mr. +Lucullus Fyshe on one side of the luncheon table to the Rev. Fareforth +Furlong on the other. + +"By all means," said Mr. Furlong. + +Mr. Fyshe poured out a wineglassful of soda and handed it to the rector +to drink. + +"Now tell me very truthfully," he said, "is there too much carbon in +it?" + +"By no means," said Mr. Furlong. + +"And--quite frankly--not too much hydrogen?" + +"Oh, decidedly not." + +"And you would not say that the percentage of sodium bicarbonate was +too great for the ordinary taste?" + +"I certainly should not," said Mr. Furlong, and in this he spoke the +truth. + +"Very good then," said Mr. Fyshe, "I shall use it for the Duke of +Dulham this afternoon." + +He uttered the name of the Duke with that quiet, democratic +carelessness which meant that he didn't care whether half a dozen other +members lunching at the club could hear or not. After all, what was a +duke to a man who was president of the People's Traction and Suburban +Co., and the Republican Soda and Siphon Co-operative, and chief +director of the People's District Loan and Savings? If a man with a +broad basis of popular support like that was proposing to entertain a +duke, surely there could be no doubt about his motives? None at all. + +Naturally, too, if a man manufactures soda himself, he gets a little +over-sensitive about the possibility of his guests noticing the +existence of too much carbon in it. + +In fact, ever so many of the members of the Mausoleum Club manufacture +things, or cause them to be manufactured, or--what is the same +thing--merge them when they are manufactured. This gives them their +peculiar chemical attitude towards their food. One often sees a member +suddenly call the head waiter at breakfast to tell him that there is +too much ammonia in the bacon; and another one protest at the amount of +glucose in the olive oil; and another that there is too high a +percentage of nitrogen in the anchovy. A man of distorted imagination +might think this tasting of chemicals in the food a sort of nemesis of +fate upon the members. But that would be very foolish, for in every +case the head waiter, who is the chief of the Chinese philosophers +mentioned above, says that he'll see to it immediately and have the +percentage removed. And as for the members themselves, they are about +as much ashamed of manufacturing and merging things as the Marquis of +Salisbury is ashamed of the founders of the Cecil family. + +What more natural, therefore, than that Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, before +serving the soda to the Duke, should try it on somebody else? And what +better person could be found for this than Mr. Furlong, the saintly +young rector of St. Asaph's, who had enjoyed the kind of expensive +college education calculated to develop all the faculties. Moreover, a +rector of the Anglican Church who has been in the foreign mission field +is the kind of person from whom one can find out, more or less +incidentally, how one should address and converse with a duke, and +whether you call him, "Your Grace," or "His Grace," or just "Grace," or +"Duke," or what. All of which things would seem to a director of the +People's Bank and the president of the Republican Soda Co. so trivial +in importance that he would scorn to ask about them. + +So that was why Mr. Fyshe had asked Mr. Furlong to lunch with him, and +to dine with him later on in the same day at the Mausoleum Club to meet +the Duke of Dulham. And Mr. Furlong, realizing that a clergyman must be +all things to all men and not avoid a man merely because he is a duke, +had accepted the invitation to lunch, and had promised to come to +dinner, even though it meant postponing the Willing Workers' Tango +Class of St. Asaph's until the following Friday. + +Thus it had come about that Mr. Fyshe was seated at lunch, consuming a +cutlet and a pint of Moselle in the plain downright fashion of a man so +democratic that he is practically a revolutionary socialist, and +doesn't mind saying so; and the young rector of St. Asaph's was sitting +opposite to him in a religious ecstasy over a _salmi_ of duck. + +"The Duke arrived this morning, did he not?" said Mr. Furlong. + +"From New York," said Mr. Fyshe. "He is staying at the Grand Palaver. I +sent a telegram through one of our New York directors of the Traction, +and his Grace has very kindly promised to come over here to dine." + +"Is he here for pleasure?" asked the rector. + +"I understand he is--" Mr. Fyshe was going to say "about to invest a +large part of his fortune in American securities," but he thought +better of it. Even with the clergy it is well to be careful. So he +substituted "is very much interested in studying American conditions." + +"Does he stay long?" asked Mr. Furlong. + +Had Mr. Lucullus Fyshe replied quite truthfully, he would have said, +"Not if I can get his money out of him quickly," but he merely +answered, "That I don't know." + +"He will find much to interest him," went on the rector in a musing +tone. "The position of the Anglican Church in America should afford him +an object of much consideration. I understand," he added, feeling his +way, "that his Grace is a man of deep piety." + +"Very deep," said Mr. Fyshe. + +"And of great philanthropy?" + +"Very great." + +"And I presume," said the rector, taking a devout sip of the unfinished +soda, "that he is a man of immense wealth?" + +"I suppose so," answered Mr. Fyshe quite carelessly. "All these fellows +are." (Mr. Fyshe generally referred to the British aristocracy as +"these fellows.") "Land, you know, feudal estates; sheer robbery, I +call it. How the working-class, the proletariat, stand for such tyranny +is more than I can see. Mark my words, Furlong, some day they'll rise +and the whole thing will come to a sudden end." + +Mr. Fyshe was here launched upon his favourite topic; but he +interrupted himself, just for a moment, to speak to the waiter. + +"What the devil do you mean," he said, "by serving asparagus half-cold?" + +"Very sorry, sir," said the waiter, "shall I take it out?" + +"Take it out? Of course take it out, and see that you don't serve me +stuff of that sort again, or I'll report you." + +"Very sorry, sir," said the waiter. + +Mr. Fyshe looked at the vanishing waiter with contempt upon his +features. "These pampered fellows are getting unbearable." he said. "By +Gad, if I had my way I'd fire the whole lot of them: lock 'em out, put +'em on the street. That would teach 'em. Yes, Furlong, you'll live to +see it that the whole working-class will one day rise against the +tyranny of the upper classes, and society will be overwhelmed." + +But if Mr. Fyshe had realized that at that moment, in the kitchen of +the Mausoleum Club, in those sacred precincts themselves, there was a +walking delegate of the Waiters' International Union leaning against a +sideboard, with his bowler hat over one corner of his eye, and talking +to a little group of the Chinese philosophers, he would have known that +perhaps the social catastrophe was a little nearer than even he +suspected. + + * * * * * + +"Are you inviting anyone else tonight?" asked Mr. Furlong. + +"I should have liked to ask your father," said Mr. Fyshe, "but +unfortunately he is out of town." + +What Mr. Fyshe really meant was, "I am extremely glad not to have to +ask your father, whom I would not introduce to the Duke on any account." + +Indeed, Mr. Furlong, senior, the father of the rector of St. Asaph's, +who was President of the New Amalgamated Hymnal Corporation, and +Director of the Hosanna Pipe and Steam Organ, Limited, was entirely the +wrong man for Mr. Fyshe's present purpose. In fact, he was reputed to +be as smart a man as ever sold a Bible. At this moment he was out of +town, busied in New York with the preparation of the plates of his new +Hindu Testament (copyright); but had he learned that a duke with +several millions to invest was about to visit the city, he would not +have left it for the whole of Hindustan. + +"I suppose you are asking Mr. Boulder," said the rector. + +"No," answered Mr. Fyshe very decidedly, dismissing the name absolutely. + +Indeed, there was even better reason not to introduce Mr. Boulder to +the Duke. Mr. Fyshe had made that sort of mistake once, and never +intended to make it again. It was only a year ago, on the occasion of +the visit of young Viscount FitzThistle to the Mausoleum Club, that Mr. +Fyshe had introduced Mr. Boulder to the Viscount and had suffered +grievously thereby. For Mr. Boulder had no sooner met the Viscount than +he invited him up to his hunting-lodge in Wisconsin, and that was the +last thing known of the investment of the FitzThistle fortune. + +This Mr. Boulder of whom Mr. Fyshe spoke might indeed have been seen at +that moment at a further table of the lunch room eating a solitary +meal, an oldish man with a great frame suggesting broken strength, with +a white beard and with falling under-eyelids that made him look as if +he were just about to cry. His eyes were blue and far away, and his +still, mournful face and his great bent shoulders seemed to suggest all +the power and mystery of high finance. + +Gloom indeed hung over him. For, when one heard him talk of listed +stocks and cumulative dividends, there was as deep a tone in his quiet +voice as if he spoke of eternal punishment and the wages of sin. + +Under his great hands a chattering viscount, or a sturdy duke, or a +popinjay Italian marquis was as nothing. + +Mr. Boulder's methods with titled visitors investing money in America +were deep. He never spoke to them of money, not a word. He merely +talked of the great American forest--he had been born sixty-five years +back, in a lumber state--and, when he spoke of primeval trees and the +howl of the wolf at night among the pines, there was the stamp of +reality about it that held the visitor spellbound; and when he fell to +talking of his hunting-lodge far away in the Wisconsin timber, duke, +earl, or baron that had ever handled a double-barrelled express rifle +listened and was lost. + +"I have a little place," Mr. Boulder would say in his deep tones that +seemed almost like a sob, "a sort of shooting box, I think you'd call +it, up in Wisconsin; just a plain place"--he would add, almost +crying--"made of logs." + +"Oh, really," the visitor would interject, "made of logs. By Jove, how +interesting!" + +All titled people are fascinated at once with logs, and Mr. Boulder +knew it--at least subconsciously. + +"Yes, logs," he would continue, still in deep sorrow; "just the plain +cedar, not squared, you know, the old original timber; I had them cut +right out of the forest." + +By this time the visitor's excitement was obvious. "And is there game +there?" he would ask. + +"We have the timber-wolf," said Mr. Boulder, his voice half choking at +the sadness of the thing, "and of course the jack wolf and the lynx." + +"And are they ferocious?" + +"Oh, extremely so--quite uncontrollable." + +On which the titled visitor was all excitement to start for Wisconsin +at once, even before Mr. Boulder's invitation was put in words. + +And when he returned a week later, all tanned and wearing +bush-whackers' boots, and covered with wolf bites, his whole available +fortune was so completely invested in Mr. Boulder's securities that you +couldn't have shaken twenty-five cents out of him upside down. + +Yet the whole thing had been done merely incidentally round a big fire +under the Wisconsin timber, with a dead wolf or two lying in the snow. + +So no wonder that Mr. Fyshe did not propose to invite Mr. Boulder to +his little dinner. No, indeed. In fact, his one aim was to keep Mr. +Boulder and his log house hidden from the Duke. + +And equally no wonder that as soon as Mr. Boulder read of the Duke's +arrival in New York, and saw by the _Commercial Echo and Financial +Undertone_ that he might come to the City looking for investments, he +telephoned at once to his little place in Wisconsin--which had, of +course, a primeval telephone wire running to it--and told his steward +to have the place well aired and good fires lighted; and he especially +enjoined him to see if any of the shanty men thereabouts could catch a +wolf or two, as he might need them. + + * * * * * + +"Is no one else coming then?" asked the rector. + +"Oh yes. President Boomer of the University. We shall be a party of +four. I thought the Duke might be interested in meeting Boomer. He may +care to hear something of the archaeological remains of the continent." + +If the Duke did so care, he certainly had a splendid chance in meeting +the gigantic Dr. Boomer, the president of Plutoria University. + +If he wanted to know anything of the exact distinction between the +Mexican Pueblo and the Navajo tribal house, he had his opportunity +right now. If he was eager to hear a short talk--say half an hour--on +the relative antiquity of the Neanderthal skull and the gravel deposits +of the Missouri, his chance had come. He could learn as much about the +stone age and the bronze age, in America, from President Boomer, as he +could about the gold age and the age of paper securities from Mr. Fyshe +and Mr. Boulder. + +So what better man to meet a duke than an archaeological president? + +And if the Duke should feel inclined, as a result of his American visit +(for Dr. Boomer, who knew everything, understood what the Duke had come +for), inclined, let us say, to endow a chair in Primitive Anthropology, +or do any useful little thing of the sort, that was only fair business +all round; or if he even was willing to give a moderate sum towards the +general fund of Plutoria University--enough, let us say, to enable the +president to dismiss an old professor and hire a new one--that surely +was reasonable enough. + +The president, therefore, had said yes to Mr. Fyshe's invitation with +alacrity, and had taken a look through the list of his more incompetent +professors to refresh his memory. + + * * * * * + +The Duke of Dulham had landed in New York five days before and had +looked round eagerly for a field of turnips, but hadn't seen any. He +had been driven up Fifth Avenue and had kept his eyes open for +potatoes, but there were none. Nor had he seen any shorthorns in +Central Park, nor any Southdowns on Broadway. For the Duke, of course, +like all dukes, was agricultural from his Norfolk jacket to his +hobnailed boots. + +At his restaurant he had cut a potato in two and sent half of it to the +head waiter to know if it was Bermudian. It had all the look of an +early Bermudian, but the Duke feared from the shading of it that it +might be only a late Trinidad. And the head waiter sent it to the chef, +mistaking it for a complaint, and the chef sent it back to the Duke +with a message that it was not a Bermudian but a Prince Edward Island. +And the Duke sent his compliments to the chef, and the chef sent his +compliments to the Duke. And the Duke was so pleased at learning this +that he had a similar potato wrapped up for him to take away, and +tipped the head waiter twenty-five cents, feeling that in an +extravagant country the only thing to do is to go the people one +better. So the Duke carried the potato round for five days in New York +and showed it to everybody. But beyond this he got no sign of +agriculture out of the place at all. No one who entertained him seemed +to know what the beef that they gave him had been fed on; no one, even +in what seemed the best society, could talk rationally about preparing +a hog for the breakfast table. People seemed to eat cauliflower without +distinguishing the Denmark variety from the Oldenburg, and few, if any, +knew Silesian bacon even when they tasted it. And when they took the +Duke out twenty-five miles into what was called the country, there were +still no turnips, but only real estate, and railway embankments, and +advertising signs; so that altogether the obvious and visible decline +of American agriculture in what should have been its leading centre +saddened the Duke's heart. Thus the Duke passed four gloomy days. +Agriculture vexed him, and still more, of course, the money concerns +which had brought him to America. + +Money is a troublesome thing. But it has got to be thought about even +by those who were not brought up to it. If, on account of money +matters, one has been driven to come over to America in the hope of +borrowing money, the awkwardness of how to go about it naturally makes +one gloomy and preoccupied. Had there been broad fields of turnips to +walk in and Holstein cattle to punch in the ribs, one might have +managed to borrow it in the course of gentlemanly intercourse, as from +one cattle-man to another. But in New York, amid piles of masonry and +roaring street-traffic and glittering lunches and palatial residences +one simply couldn't do it. + +Herein lay the truth about the Duke of Dulham's visit and the error of +Mr. Lucullus Fyshe. Mr. Fyshe was thinking that the Duke had come to +_lend_ money. In reality he had come to _borrow_ it. In fact, the Duke +was reckoning that by putting a second mortgage on Dulham Towers for +twenty thousand sterling, and by selling his Scotch shooting and +leasing his Irish grazing and sub-letting his Welsh coal rent he could +raise altogether a hundred thousand pounds. This for a duke, is an +enormous sum. If he once had it he would be able to pay off the first +mortgage on Dulham Towers, buy in the rights of the present tenant of +the Scotch shooting and the claim of the present mortgagee of the Irish +grazing, and in fact be just where he started. This is ducal finance, +which moves always in a circle. + +In other words the Duke was really a poor man--not poor in the American +sense, where poverty comes as a sudden blighting stringency, taking the +form of an inability to get hold of a quarter of a million dollars, no +matter how badly one needs it, and where it passes like a storm-cloud +and is gone, but poor in that permanent and distressing sense known +only to the British aristocracy. The Duke's case, of course, was +notorious, and Mr. Fyshe ought to have known of it. The Duke was so +poor that the Duchess was compelled to spend three or four months every +year at a fashionable hotel on the Riviera simply to save money, and +his eldest son, the young Marquis of Beldoodle, had to put in most of +his time shooting big game in Uganda, with only twenty or twenty-five +beaters, and with so few carriers and couriers and such a dearth of +elephant men and hyena boys that the thing was a perfect scandal. The +Duke indeed was so poor that a younger son, simply to add his efforts +to those of the rest, was compelled to pass his days in mountain +climbing in the Himalayas, and the Duke's daughter was obliged to pay +long visits to minor German princesses, putting up with all sorts of +hardship. And while the ducal family wandered about in this +way--climbing mountains, and shooting hyenas, and saving money, the +Duke's place or seat, Dulham Towers, was practically shut up, with no +one in it but servants and housekeepers and gamekeepers and tourists; +and the picture galleries, except for artists and visitors and +villagers, were closed; and the town house, except for the presence of +servants and tradesmen and secretaries, was absolutely shut. But the +Duke knew that rigid parsimony of this sort, if kept up for a +generation or two, will work wonders, and this sustained him; and the +Duchess knew it, and it sustained her; in fact, all the ducal family, +knowing that it was only a matter of a generation or two, took their +misfortune very cheerfully. + +The only thing that bothered the Duke was borrowing money. This was +necessary from time to time when loans or mortgages fell in, but he +hated it. It was beneath him. His ancestors had often taken money, but +had never borrowed it, and the Duke chafed under the necessity. There +was something about the process that went against the grain. To sit +down in pleasant converse with a man, perhaps almost a gentleman, and +then lead up to the subject and take his money from him, seemed to the +Duke's mind essentially low. He could have understood knocking a man +over the head with a fire shovel and taking his money, but not +borrowing it. + +So the Duke had come to America, where borrowing is notoriously easy. +Any member of the Mausoleum Club, for instance, would borrow fifty +cents to buy a cigar, or fifty thousand dollars to buy a house, or five +millions to buy a railroad with complete indifference, and pay it back, +too, if he could, and think nothing of it. In fact, ever so many of the +Duke's friends were known to have borrowed money in America with +magical ease, pledging for it their seats or their pictures, or one of +their daughters--anything. + +So the Duke knew it must be easy. And yet, incredible as it may seem, +he had spent four days in New York, entertained everywhere, and made +much of, and hadn't borrowed a cent. He had been asked to lunch in a +Riverside palace, and, fool that he was, had come away without so much +as a dollar to show for it. He had been asked to a country house on the +Hudson, and, like an idiot--he admitted it himself--hadn't asked his +host for as much as his train fare. He had been driven twice round +Central Park in a motor and had been taken tamely back to his hotel not +a dollar the richer. The thing was childish, and he knew it. But to +save his life the Duke didn't know how to begin. None of the things +that he was able to talk about seemed to have the remotest connection +with the subject of money. The Duke was able to converse reasonably +well over such topics as the approaching downfall of England (they had +talked of it at Dulham Towers for sixty years), or over the duty of +England towards China, or the duty of England to Persia, or its duty to +aid the Young Turk Movement, and its duty to check the Old Servia +agitation. The Duke became so interested in these topics and in +explaining that while he had never been a Little Englander he had +always been a Big Turk, and that he stood for a Small Bulgaria and a +Restricted Austria, that he got further and further away from the topic +of money, which was what he really wanted to come to; and the Duke rose +from his conversations with a look of such obvious distress on his face +that everybody realized that his anxiety about England was killing him. + +And then suddenly light had come. It was on his fourth day in New York +that he unexpectedly ran into the Viscount Belstairs (they had been +together as young men in Nigeria, and as middle-aged men in St. +Petersburg), and Belstairs, who was in abundant spirits and who was +returning to England on the _Gloritania_ at noon the next day, +explained to the Duke that he had just borrowed fifty thousand pounds, +on security that wouldn't be worth a halfpenny in England. + +And the Duke said with a sigh, "How the deuce do you do it. Belstairs?" + +"Do what?" + +"Borrow it," said the Duke. "How do you manage to get people to talk +about it? Here I am wanting to borrow a hundred thousand, and I'm +hanged if I can even find an opening." + +At which the Viscount had said, "Pooh, pooh! you don't need any +opening. Just borrow it straight out--ask for it across a dinner table, +just as you'd ask for a match; they think nothing of it here." + +"Across the dinner table?" repeated the Duke, who was a literal man. + +"Certainly," said the Viscount. "Not too soon, you know--say after a +second glass of wine. I assure you it's absolutely nothing." + +And it was just at that moment that a telegram was handed to the Duke +from Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, praying him, as he was reported to be visiting +the next day the City where the Mausoleum Club stands, to make +acquaintance with him by dining at that institution. + +And the Duke, being as I say a literal man, decided that just as soon +as Mr. Fyshe should give him a second glass of wine, that second glass +should cost Mr. Fyshe a hundred thousand pounds sterling. + +And oddly enough, at about the same moment, Mr. Fyshe was calculating +that provided he could make the Duke drink a second glass of the +Mausoleum champagne, that glass would cost the Duke about five million +dollars. + + * * * * * + +So the very morning after that the Duke had arrived on the New York +express in the City; and being an ordinary, democratic, commercial sort +of place, absorbed in its own affairs, it made no fuss over him +whatever. The morning edition of the _Plutopian Citizen_ simply said, +"We understand that the Duke of Dulham arrives at the Grand Palaver +this morning," after which it traced the Duke's pedigree back to Jock +of Ealing in the twelfth century and let the matter go at that; and the +noon edition of the _People's Advocate_ merely wrote, "We learn that +Duke Dulham is in town. He is a relation of Jack Ealing." But the +_Commercial Echo and Financial Undertone_, appearing at four o'clock, +printed in its stock-market columns the announcement: "We understand +that the Duke of Dulham, who arrives in town today, is proposing to +invest a large sum of money in American Industrials." + +And, of course, that announcement reached every member of the Mausoleum +Club within twenty minutes. + + * * * * * + +The Duke of Dulham entered the Mausoleum Club that evening at exactly +seven of the clock. He was a short, thick man with a shaven face, red +as a brick, and grizzled hair, and from the look of him he could have +got a job at sight in any lumber camp in Wisconsin. He wore a dinner +jacket, just like an ordinary person, but even without his Norfolk coat +and his hobnailed boots there was something in the way in which he +walked up the long main hall of the Mausoleum Club that every imported +waiter in the place recognized in an instant. + +The Duke cast his eye about the club and approved of it. It seemed to +him a modest, quiet place, very different from the staring ostentation +that one sees too often in a German hof or an Italian palazzo. He liked +it. + +Mr. Fyshe and Mr. Furlong were standing in a deep alcove or bay where +there was a fire and india-rubber trees and pictures with shaded lights +and a whiskey-and-soda table. There the Duke joined them. Mr. Fyshe he +had met already that afternoon at the Palaver, and he called him +"Fyshe" as if he had known him forever; and indeed, after a few minutes +he called the rector of St. Asaph's simply "Furlong," for he had been +familiar with the Anglican clergy in so many parts of the world that he +knew that to attribute any peculiar godliness to them, socially, was +the worst possible taste. + +"By Jove," said the Duke, turning to tap the leaf of a rubber tree with +his finger, "that fellow's a Nigerian, isn't he?" + +"I hardly know," said Mr. Fyshe, "I imagine so"; and he added, "You've +been in Nigeria, Duke?" + +"Oh, some years ago," said the Duke, "after big game, you know--fine +place for it." + +"Did you get any?" asked Mr. Fyshe. + +"Not much," said the Duke; "a hippo or two." + +"Ah," said Mr. Fyshe. + +"And, of course, now and then a giro," the Duke went on, and added, "My +sister was luckier, though; she potted a rhino one day, straight out of +a doolie; I call that rather good." + +Mr. Fyshe called it that too. + +"Ah, now here's a good thing," the Duke went on, looking at a picture. +He carried in his waistcoat pocket an eyeglass that he used for +pictures and for Tamworth hogs, and he put it to his eye with one hand, +keeping the other in the left pocket of his jacket; "and this--this is +a very good thing." + +"I believe so," said Mr. Fyshe. + +"You really have some awfully good things here," continued the Duke. He +had seen far too many pictures in too many places ever to speak of +"values" or "compositions" or anything of that sort. The Duke merely +looked at a picture and said, "Now here's a good thing," or "Ah! here +now is a very good thing," or, "I say, here's a really good thing." + +No one could get past this sort of criticism. The Duke had long since +found it bullet-proof. + +"They showed me some rather good things in New York," he went on, "but +really the things you have here seem to be awfully good things." + +Indeed, the Duke was truly pleased with the pictures, for something in +their composition, or else in the soft, expensive light that shone on +them, enabled him to see in the distant background of each a hundred +thousand sterling. And that is a very beautiful picture indeed. + +"When you come to our side of the water, Fyshe," said the Duke, "I must +show you my Botticelli." + +Had Mr. Fyshe, who knew nothing of art, expressed his real thought, he +would have said, "Show me your which?" But he only answered, "I shall +be delighted to see it." + +In any case there was no time to say more, for at this moment the +portly figure and the great face of Dr. Boomer, president of Plutoria +University, loomed upon them. And with him came a great burst of +conversation that blew all previous topics into fragments. He was +introduced to the Duke, and shook hands with Mr. Furlong, and talked to +both of them, and named the kind of cocktail that he wanted, all in one +breath, and in the very next he was asking the Duke about the +Babylonian hieroglyphic bricks that his grandfather, the thirteenth +Duke, had brought home from the Euphrates, and which every +archaeologist knew were preserved in the Duke's library at Dulham +Towers. And though the Duke hadn't known about the bricks himself, he +assured Dr. Boomer that his grandfather had collected some really good +things, quite remarkable. + +And the Duke, having met a man who knew about his grandfather, felt in +his own element. In fact, he was so delighted with Dr. Boomer and the +Nigerian rubber tree and the shaded pictures and the charm of the whole +place and the certainty that half a million dollars was easily findable +in it, that he put his eyeglass back in his pocket and said. + +"A charming club you have here, really most charming." + +"Yes," said Mr. Fyshe, in a casual tone, "a comfortable place, we like +to think." + +But if he could have seen what was happening below in the kitchens of +the Mausoleum Club, Mr. Fyshe would have realized that just then it was +turning into a most uncomfortable place. + +For the walking delegate with his hat on sideways, who had haunted it +all day, was busy now among the assembled Chinese philosophers, writing +down names and distributing strikers' cards of the International Union +and assuring them that the "boys" of the Grand Palaver had all walked +out at seven, and that all the "boys" of the Commercial and the Union +and of every restaurant in town were out an hour ago. + +And the philosophers were taking their cards and hanging up their +waiters' coats and putting on shabby jackets and bowler hats, worn +sideways, and changing themselves by a wonderful transformation from +respectable Chinese to slouching loafers of the lowest type. + +But Mr. Fyshe, being in an alcove and not in the kitchens, saw nothing +of these things. Not even when the head waiter, shaking with +apprehension, appeared with cocktails made by himself, in glasses that +he himself had had to wipe, did Mr. Fyshe, absorbed in the easy +urbanity of the Duke, notice that anything was amiss. + +Neither did his guests. For Dr. Boomer, having discovered that the Duke +had visited Nigeria, was asking him his opinion of the famous Bimbaweh +remains of the lower Niger. The Duke confessed that he really hadn't +noticed them, and the Doctor assured him that Strabo had indubitably +mentioned them (he would show the Duke the very passage), and that they +apparently lay, if his memory served him, about halfway between Oohat +and Ohat; whether above Oohat and below Ohat or above Ohat and below +Oohat he would not care to say for a certainty; for that the Duke must +wait till the president had time to consult his library. + +And the Duke was fascinated forthwith with the president's knowledge of +Nigerian geography, and explained that he had once actually descended +from below Timbuctoo to Oohat in a doolie manned only by four swats. + +So presently, having drunk the cocktails, the party moved solemnly in a +body from the alcove towards the private dining-room upstairs, still +busily talking of the Bimbaweh remains, and the swats, and whether the +doolie was, or was not, the original goatskin boat of the book of +Genesis. + +And when they entered the private dining-room with its snow-white table +and cut glass and flowers (as arranged by a retreating philosopher now +heading towards the Gaiety Theatre with his hat over his eyes), the +Duke again exclaimed, + +"Really, you have a most comfortable club--delightful." + +So they sat down to dinner, over which Mr. Furlong offered up a grace +as short as any that are known even to the Anglican clergy. And the +head waiter, now in deep distress--for he had been sending out +telephone messages in vain to the Grand Palaver and the Continental, +like the captain of a sinking ship--served oysters that he had opened +himself and poured Rhine wine with a trembling hand. For he knew that +unless by magic a new chef and a waiter or two could be got from the +Palaver, all hope was lost. + +But the guests still knew nothing of his fears. Dr. Boomer was eating +his oysters as a Nigerian hippo might eat up the crew of a doolie, in +great mouthfuls, and commenting as he did so upon the luxuriousness of +modern life. + +And in the pause that followed the oysters he illustrated for the Duke +with two pieces of bread the essential difference in structure between +the Mexican _pueblo_ and the tribal house of the Navajos, and lest the +Duke should confound either or both of them with the adobe hut of the +Bimbaweh tribes he showed the difference at once with a couple of +olives. + +By this time, of course, the delay in the service was getting +noticeable. Mr. Fyshe was directing angry glances towards the door, +looking for the reappearance of the waiter, and growling an apology to +his guests. But the president waved the apology aside. + +"In my college days," he said, "I should have considered a plate of +oysters an ample meal. I should have asked for nothing more. We eat," +he said, "too much." + +This, of course, started Mr. Fyshe on his favourite topic. "Luxury!" he +exclaimed, "I should think so! It is the curse of the age. The +appalling growth of luxury, the piling up of money, the ease with which +huge fortunes are made" (Good! thought the Duke, here we are coming to +it), "these are the things that are going to ruin us. Mark my words, +the whole thing is bound to end in a tremendous crash. I don't mind +telling you, Duke--my friends here, I am sure, know it already--that I +am more or less a revolutionary socialist. I am absolutely convinced, +sir, that our modern civilization will end in a great social +catastrophe. Mark what I say"--and here Mr. Fyshe became exceedingly +impressive--"a great social catastrophe. Some of us may not live to see +it, perhaps; but you, for instance, Furlong, are a younger man; you +certainly will." + +But here Mr. Fyshe was understating the case. They were all going to +live to see it, right on the spot. + +For it was just at this moment, when Mr. Fyshe was talking of the +social catastrophe and explaining with flashing eyes that it was bound +to come, that it came; and when it came it lit, of all places in the +world, right there in the private dining-room of the Mausoleum Club. + +For the gloomy head waiter re-entered and leaned over the back of Mr. +Fyshe's chair and whispered to him. + +"Eh? what?" said Mr. Fyshe. + +The head waiter, his features stricken with inward agony, whispered +again. + +"The infernal, damn scoundrels!" said Mr. Fyshe, starting back in his +chair. "On strike: in this club! It's an outrage!" + +"I'm very sorry sir. I didn't like to tell you, sir. I'd hoped I might +have got help from the outside, but it seems, sir, the hotels are all +the same way." + +"Do you mean to say," said Mr. Fyshe, speaking very slowly, "that there +is no dinner?" + +"I'm sorry, sir," moaned the waiter. "It appears the chef hadn't even +cooked it. Beyond what's on the table, sir, there's nothing." + +The social catastrophe had come. + +Mr. Fyshe sat silent with his fist clenched. Dr. Boomer, with his great +face transfixed, stared at the empty oyster-shells, thinking perhaps of +his college days. The Duke, with his hundred thousand dashed from his +lips in the second cup of champagne that was never served, thought of +his politeness first and murmured something about taking them to his +hotel. + +But there is no need to follow the unhappy details of the unended +dinner. Mr. Fyshe's one idea was to be gone: he was too true an artist +to think that finance could be carried on over the table-cloth of a +second-rate restaurant, or on an empty stomach in a deserted club. The +thing must be done over again; he must wait his time and begin anew. + +And so it came about that the little dinner party of Mr. Lucullus Fyshe +dissolved itself into its constituent elements, like broken pieces of +society in the great cataclysm portrayed by Mr. Fyshe himself. + +The Duke was bowled home in a snorting motor to the brilliant rotunda +of the Grand Palaver, itself waiterless and supperless. + +The rector of St. Asaph's wandered off home to his rectory, musing upon +the contents of its pantry. + +And Mr. Fyshe and the gigantic Doctor walked side by side homewards +along Plutoria Avenue, beneath the elm trees. Nor had they gone any +great distance before Dr. Boomer fell to talking of the Duke. + +"A charming man," he said, "delightful. I feel extremely sorry for him." + +"No worse off, I presume, than any of the rest of us," growled Mr. +Fyshe, who was feeling in the sourest of democratic moods; "a man +doesn't need to be a duke to have a stomach." + +"Oh, pooh, pooh!" said the president, waving the topic aside with his +hand in the air; "I don't refer to that. Oh, not at all. I was thinking +of his financial position--an ancient family like the Dulhams; it seems +too bad altogether." + +For, of course, to an archaeologist like Dr. Boomer an intimate +acquaintance with the pedigree and fortunes of the greater ducal +families from Jock of Ealing downwards was nothing. It went without +saying. As beside the Neanderthal skull and the Bimbaweh ruins it +didn't count. + +Mr. Fyshe stopped absolutely still in his tracks. "His financial +position?" he questioned, quick as a lynx. + +"Certainly," said Dr. Boomer; "I had taken it for granted that you +knew. The Dulham family are practically ruined. The Duke, I imagine, is +under the necessity of mortgaging his estates; indeed, I should suppose +he is here in America to raise money." + +Mr. Fyshe was a man of lightning action. Any man accustomed to the +Stock Exchange learns to think quickly. + +"One moment!" he cried; "I see we are right at your door. May I just +run in and use your telephone? I want to call up Boulder for a moment." + +Two minutes later Mr. Fyshe was saying into the telephone, "Oh, is that +you, Boulder? I was looking for you in vain today--wanted you to meet +the Duke of Dulham, who came in quite unexpectedly from New York; felt +sure you'd like to meet him. Wanted you at the club for dinner, and now +it turns out that the club's all upset--waiters' strike or some such +rascality--and the Palaver, so I hear, is in the same fix. Could you +possibly--" + +Here Mr. Fyshe paused, listening a moment, and then went on, "Yes, yes; +an excellent idea--most kind of you. Pray do send your motor to the +hotel and give the Duke a bite of dinner. No, I wouldn't join you, +thanks. Most kind. Good night--" + +And within a few minutes more the motor of Mr. Boulder was rolling down +from Plutoria Avenue to the Grand Palaver Hotel. + +What passed between Mr. Boulder and the Duke that evening is not known. +That they must have proved congenial company to one another there is no +doubt. In fact, it would seem that, dissimilar as they were in many +ways, they found a common bond of interest in sport. And it is quite +likely that Mr. Boulder may have mentioned that he had a +hunting-lodge--what the Duke would call a shooting-box--in Wisconsin +woods, and that it was made of logs, rough cedar logs not squared, and +that the timber wolves and others which surrounded it were of a +ferocity without parallel. + +Those who know the Duke best could measure the effect of that upon his +temperament. + +At any rate, it is certain that Mr. Lucullus Fyshe at his +breakfast-table next morning chuckled with suppressed joy to read in +the _Plutopian Citizen_ the item: + +"We learn that the Duke of Dulham, who has been paying a brief visit to +the City, leaves this morning with Mr. Asmodeus Boulder for the +Wisconsin woods. We understand that Mr. Boulder intends to show his +guest, who is an ardent sportsman, something of the American wolf." + + * * * * * + +And so the Duke went whirling westwards and northwards with Mr. Boulder +in the drawing-room end of a Pullman car, that was all littered up with +double-barrelled express rifles and leather game bags and lynx catchers +and wolf traps and Heaven knows what. And the Duke had on his very +roughest sporting-suit, made, apparently, of alligator hide; and as he +sat there with a rifle across his knees, while the train swept onwards +through open fields and broken woods, the real country at last, towards +the Wisconsin forest, there was such a light of genial happiness in his +face that had not been seen there since he had been marooned in the mud +jungles of Upper Burmah. + +And opposite, Mr. Boulder looked at him with fixed silent eyes, and +murmured from time to time some renewed information of the ferocity of +the timber-wolf. + +But of wolves other than the timber-wolf, and fiercer still into whose +hands the Duke might fall in America, he spoke never a word. + +Nor is it known in the record what happened in Wisconsin, and to the +Mausoleum Club the Duke and his visit remained only as a passing and a +pleasant memory. + + + +CHAPTER TWO: The Wizard of Finance + +Down in the City itself, just below the residential street where the +Mausoleum Club is situated, there stands overlooking Central Square the +Grand Palaver Hotel. It is, in truth, at no great distance from the +club, not half a minute in one's motor. In fact, one could almost walk +it. + +But in Central Square the quiet of Plutoria Avenue is exchanged for +another atmosphere. There are fountains that splash unendingly and +mingle their music with the sound of the motor-horns and the clatter of +the cabs. There are real trees and little green benches, with people +reading yesterday's newspaper, and grass cut into plots among the +asphalt. There is at one end a statue of the first governor of the +state, life-size, cut in stone; and at the other a statue of the last, +ever so much larger than life, cast in bronze. And all the people who +pass by pause and look at this statue and point at it with +walking-sticks, because it is of extraordinary interest; in fact, it is +an example of the new electro-chemical process of casting by which you +can cast a state governor any size you like, no matter what you start +from. Those who know about such things explain what an interesting +contrast the two statues are; for in the case of the governor of a +hundred years ago one had to start from plain, rough material and work +patiently for years to get the effect, whereas now the material doesn't +matter at all, and with any sort of scrap, treated in the gas furnace +under tremendous pressure, one may make a figure of colossal size like +the one in Central Square. + +So naturally Central Square with its trees and its fountains and its +statues is one of the places of chief interest in the City. But +especially because there stands along one side of it the vast pile of +the Grand Palaver Hotel. It rises fifteen stories high and fills all +one side of the square. It has, overlooking the trees in the square, +twelve hundred rooms with three thousand windows, and it would have +held all George Washington's army. Even people in other cities who have +never seen it know it well from its advertising; "the most homelike +hotel in America," so it is labelled in all the magazines, the +expensive ones, on the continent. In fact, the aim of the company that +owns the Grand Palaver--and they do not attempt to conceal it--is to +make the place as much a home as possible. Therein lies its charm. It +is a home. You realize that when you look up at the Grand Palaver from +the square at night when the twelve hundred guests have turned on the +lights of the three thousand windows. You realize it at theatre time +when the great string of motors come sweeping to the doors of the +Palaver, to carry the twelve hundred guests to twelve hundred seats in +the theatres at four dollars a seat. But most of all do you appreciate +the character of the Grand Palaver when you step into its rotunda. +Aladdin's enchanted palace was nothing to it. It has a vast ceiling +with a hundred glittering lights, and within it night and day is a +surging crowd that is never still and a babel of voices that is never +hushed, and over all there hangs an enchanted cloud of thin blue +tobacco smoke such as might enshroud the conjured vision of a magician +of Baghdad or Damascus. + +In and through the rotunda there are palm trees to rest the eye and +rubber trees in boxes to soothe the mind, and there are great leather +lounges and deep armchairs, and here and there huge brass ash-bowls as +big as Etruscan tear-jugs. Along one side is a counter with grated +wickets like a bank, and behind it are five clerks with flattened hair +and tall collars, dressed in long black frock-coats all day like +members of a legislature. They have great books in front of them in +which they study unceasingly, and at their lightest thought they strike +a bell with the open palm of their hand, and at the sound of it a page +boy in a monkey suit, with G.P. stamped all over him in brass, bounds +to the desk and off again, shouting a call into the unheeding crowd +vociferously. The sound of it fills for a moment the great space of the +rotunda; it echoes down the corridors to the side; it floats, softly +melodious, through the palm trees of the ladies' palm room; it is +heard, fainter and fainter, in the distant grill; and in the depths of +the barber shop below the level of the street the barber arrests a +moment the drowsy hum of his shampoo brushes to catch the sound--as +might a miner in the sunken galleries of a coastal mine cease in his +toil a moment to hear the distant murmur of the sea. + +And the clerks call for the pages, the pages call for the guests, and +the guests call for the porters, the bells clang, the elevators rattle, +till home itself was never half so homelike. + + * * * * * + +"A call for Mr. Tomlinson! A call for Mr. Tomlinson!" + +So went the sound, echoing through the rotunda. + +And as the page boy found him and handed him on a salver a telegram to +read, the eyes of the crowd about him turned for a moment to look upon +the figure of Tomlinson, the Wizard of Finance. + +There he stood in his wide-awake hat and his long black coat, his +shoulders slightly bent with his fifty-eight years. Anyone who had +known him in the olden days on his bush farm beside Tomlinson's Creek +in the country of the Great Lakes would have recognized him in a +moment. There was still on his face that strange, puzzled look that it +habitually wore, only now, of course, the financial papers were calling +it "unfathomable." There was a certain way in which his eye roved to +and fro inquiringly that might have looked like perplexity, were it not +that the _Financial Undertone_ had recognized it as the "searching look +of a captain of industry." One might have thought that for all the +goodness in it there was something simple in his face, were it not that +the _Commercial and Pictorial Review_ had called the face +"inscrutable," and had proved it so with an illustration that left no +doubt of the matter. Indeed, the face of Tomlinson of Tomlinson's +Creek, now Tomlinson the Wizard of Finance, was not commonly spoken of +as a _face_ by the paragraphers of the Saturday magazine sections, but +was more usually referred to as a mask; and it would appear that +Napoleon the First had had one also. The Saturday editors were never +tired of describing the strange, impressive personality of Tomlinson, +the great dominating character of the newest and highest finance. From +the moment when the interim prospectus of the Erie Auriferous +Consolidated had broken like a tidal wave over Stock Exchange circles, +the picture of Tomlinson, the sleeping shareholder of uncomputed +millions, had filled the imagination of every dreamer in a nation of +poets. + +They all described him. And when each had finished he began again. + +"The face," so wrote the editor of the "Our Own Men" section of +_Ourselves Monthly_, "is that of a typical American captain of finance, +hard, yet with a certain softness, broad but with a certain length, +ductile but not without its own firmness." + +"The mouth," so wrote the editor of the "Success" column of _Brains_, +"is strong but pliable, the jaw firm and yet movable, while there is +something in the set of the ear that suggests the swift, eager mind of +the born leader of men." + +So from state to state ran the portrait of Tomlinson of Tomlinson's +Creek, drawn by people who had never seen him; so did it reach out and +cross the ocean, till the French journals inserted a picture which they +used for such occasions, and called it _Monsieur Tomlinson, nouveau +capitaine de la haute finance en Amerique_; and the German weeklies, +inserting also a suitable picture from their stock, marked it _Herr +Tomlinson, Amerikanischer Industrie und Finanzcapitan_. Thus did +Tomlinson float from Tomlinson's Creek beside Lake Erie to the very +banks of the Danube and the Drave. + +Some writers grew lyric about him. What visions, they asked, could one +but read them, must lie behind the quiet, dreaming eyes of that +inscrutable face? + +They might have read them easily enough, had they but had the key. +Anyone who looked upon Tomlinson as he stood there in the roar and +clatter of the great rotunda of the Grand Palaver with the telegram in +his hand, fumbling at the wrong end to open it, might have read the +visions of the master-mind had he but known their nature. They were +simple enough. For the visions in the mind of Tomlinson, Wizard of +Finance, were for the most part those of a wind-swept hillside farm +beside Lake Erie, where Tomlinson's Creek runs down to the low edge of +the lake, and where the off-shore wind ripples the rushes of the +shallow water: that, and the vision of a frame house, and the snake +fences of the fourth concession road where it falls to the lakeside. +And if the eyes of the man are dreamy and abstracted, it is because +there lies over the vision of this vanished farm an infinite regret, +greater in its compass than all the shares the Erie Auriferous +Consolidated has ever thrown upon the market. + + * * * * * + +When Tomlinson had opened the telegram he stood with it for a moment in +his hand, looking the boy full in the face. His look had in it that +peculiar far-away quality that the newspapers were calling "Napoleonic +abstraction." In reality he was wondering whether to give the boy +twenty-five cents or fifty. + +The message that he had just read was worded, "Morning quotations show +preferred A. G. falling rapidly recommend instant sale no confidence +send instructions." + +The Wizard of Finance took from his pocket a pencil (it was a +carpenter's pencil) and wrote across the face of the message: "Buy me +quite a bit more of the same yours truly." + +This he gave to the boy. "Take it over to him," he said, pointing to +the telegraph corner of the rotunda. Then after another pause he +mumbled, "Here, sonny," and gave the boy a dollar. + +With that he turned to walk towards the elevator, and all the people +about him who had watched the signing of the message knew that some big +financial deal was going through--a _coup_, in fact, they called it. + +The elevator took the Wizard to the second floor. As he went up he felt +in his pocket and gripped a quarter, then changed his mind and felt for +a fifty-cent piece, and finally gave them both to the elevator boy, +after which he walked along the corridor till he reached the corner +suite of rooms, a palace in itself, for which he was paying a thousand +dollars a month ever since the Erie Auriferous Consolidated Company had +begun tearing up the bed of Tomlinson's Creek in Cahoga County with its +hydraulic dredges. + +"Well, mother," he said as he entered. + +There was a woman seated near the window, a woman with a plain, homely +face such as they wear in the farm kitchens of Cahoga County, and a set +of fashionable clothes upon her such as they sell to the ladies of +Plutoria Avenue. + +This was "mother," the wife of the Wizard of Finance and eight years +younger than himself. And she, too, was in the papers and the public +eye; and whatsoever the shops had fresh from Paris, at fabulous prices, +that they sold to mother. They had put a Balkan hat upon her with an +upright feather, and they had hung gold chains on her, and everything +that was most expensive they had hung and tied on mother. You might see +her emerging any morning from the Grand Palaver in her beetle-back +jacket and her Balkan hat, a figure of infinite pathos. And whatever +she wore, the lady editors of _Spring Notes_ and _Causerie du Boudoir_ +wrote it out in French, and one paper had called her a _belle +chatelaine_, and another had spoken of her as a grande dame, which the +Tomlinsons thought must be a misprint. + +But in any case, for Tomlinson, the Wizard of Finance, it was a great +relief to have as his wife a woman like mother, because he knew that +she had taught school in Cahoga County and could hold her own in the +city with any of them. + +So mother spent her time sitting in her beetle jacket in the +thousand-dollar suite, reading new novels in brilliant paper covers. +And the Wizard on his trips up and down to the rotunda brought her the +very best, the ones that cost a dollar fifty, because he knew that out +home she had only been able to read books like Nathaniel Hawthorne and +Walter Scott, that were only worth ten cents. + + * * * * * + +"How's Fred?" said the Wizard, laying aside his hat, and looking +towards the closed door of an inner room. "Is he better?" + +"Some," said mother. "He's dressed, but he's lying down." + +Fred was the son of the Wizard and mother. In the inner room he lay on +a sofa, a great hulking boy of seventeen in a flowered dressing-gown, +fancying himself ill. There was a packet of cigarettes and a box of +chocolates on a chair beside him, and he had the blind drawn and his +eyes half-closed to impress himself. + +Yet this was the same boy that less than a year ago on Tomlinson's +Creek had worn a rough store suit and set his sturdy shoulders to the +buck-saw. At present Fortune was busy taking from him the golden gifts +which the fairies of Cahoga County, Lake Erie, had laid in his cradle +seventeen years ago. + +The Wizard tip-toed into the inner room, and from the open door his +listening wife could hear the voice of the boy saying, in a tone as of +one distraught with suffering. + +"Is there any more of that jelly?" + +"Could he have any, do you suppose?" asked Tomlinson coming back. + +"It's all right," said mother, "if it will sit on his stomach." For +this, in the dietetics of Cahoga County, is the sole test. All those +things can be eaten which will sit on the stomach. Anything that won't +sit there is not eatable. + +"Do you suppose I could get them to get any?" questioned Tomlinson. +"Would it be all right to telephone down to the office, or do you think +it would be better to ring?" + +"Perhaps," said his wife, "it would be better to look out into the hall +and see if there isn't someone round that would tell them." + +This was the kind of problem with which Tomlinson and his wife, in +their thousand-dollar suite in the Grand Palaver, grappled all day. And +when presently a tall waiter in dress-clothes appeared, and said, +"Jelly? Yes, sir, immediately, sir; would you like, sir, Maraschino, +sir, or Portovino, sir?" Tomlinson gazed at him gloomily, wondering if +he would take five dollars. + +"What does the doctor say is wrong with Fred?" asked Tomlinson, when +the waiter had gone. + +"He don't just say," said mother; "he said he must keep very quiet. He +looked in this morning for a minute or two, and he said he'd look in +later in the day again. But he said to keep Fred very quiet." + +Exactly! In other words Fred had pretty much the same complaint as the +rest of Dr. Slyder's patients on Plutoria Avenue, and was to be treated +in the same way. Dr. Slyder, who was the most fashionable practitioner +in the City, spent his entire time moving to and fro in an almost +noiseless motor earnestly advising people to keep quiet. "You must keep +very quiet for a little while," he would say with a sigh, as he sat +beside a sick-bed. As he drew on his gloves in the hall below he would +shake his head very impressively and say, "You must keep him very +quiet," and so pass out, quite soundlessly. By this means Dr. Slyder +often succeeded in keeping people quiet for weeks. It was all the +medicine that he knew. But it was enough. And as his patients always +got well--there being nothing wrong with them--his reputation was +immense. + +Very naturally the Wizard and his wife were impressed with him. They +had never seen such therapeutics in Cahoga County, where the practice +of medicine is carried on with forceps, pumps, squirts, splints, and +other instruments of violence. + +The waiter had hardly gone when a boy appeared at the door. This time +he presented to Tomlinson not one telegram but a little bundle of them. + +The Wizard read them with a lengthening face. The first ran something +like this, "Congratulate you on your daring market turned instantly"; +and the next, "Your opinion justified market rose have sold at 20 +points profit"; and a third, "Your forecast entirely correct C. P. rose +at once send further instructions." + +These and similar messages were from brokers' offices, and all of them +were in the same tone; one told him that C. P. was up, and another T. +G. P. had passed 129, and another that T. C. R. R. had risen ten--all +of which things were imputed to the wonderful sagacity of Tomlinson. +Whereas if they had told him that X. Y. Z. had risen to the moon he +would have been just as wise as to what it meant. + +"Well," said the wife of the Wizard as her husband finished looking +through the reports, "how are things this morning? Are they any better?" + +"No," said Tomlinson, and he sighed as he said it; "this is the worst +day yet. It's just been a shower of telegrams, and mostly all the same. +I can't do the figuring of it like you can, but I reckon I must have +made another hundred thousand dollars since yesterday." + +"You don't say so!" said mother, and they looked at one another +gloomily. + +"And half a million last week, wasn't it?" said Tomlinson as he sank +into a chair. "I'm afraid, mother," he continued, "it's no good. We +don't know how. We weren't brought up to it." + +All of which meant that if the editor of the _Monetary Afternoon_ or +_Financial Sunday_ had been able to know what was happening with the +two wizards, he could have written up a news story calculated to +electrify all America. + +For the truth was that Tomlinson, the Wizard of Finance, was attempting +to carry out a _coup_ greater than any as yet attributed to him by the +Press. He was trying to lose his money. That, in the sickness of his +soul, crushed by the Grand Palaver, overwhelmed with the burden of high +finance, had become his aim, to be done with it, to get rid of his +whole fortune. + +But if you own a fortune that is computed anywhere from fifty millions +up, with no limit at the top, if you own one-half of all the preferred +stock of an Erie Auriferous Consolidated that is digging gold in +hydraulic bucketfuls from a quarter of a mile of river bed, the task of +losing it is no easy matter. + +There are men, no doubt, versed in finance, who might succeed in doing +it. But they have a training that Tomlinson lacked. Invest it as he +would in the worst securities that offered, the most rickety of stock, +the most fraudulent bonds, back it came to him. When he threw a handful +away, back came two in its place. And at every new coup the crowd +applauded the incomparable daring, the unparalleled prescience of the +Wizard. + +Like the touch of Midas, his hand turned everything to gold. + +"Mother," he repeated, "it's no use. It's like this here Destiny, as +the books call it." + + * * * * * + +The great fortune that Tomlinson, the Wizard of Finance, was trying his +best to lose had come to him with wonderful suddenness. As yet it was +hardly six months old. As to how it had originated, there were all +sorts of stories afloat in the weekly illustrated press. They agreed +mostly on the general basis that Tomlinson had made his vast fortune by +his own indomitable pluck and dogged industry. Some said that he had +been at one time a mere farm hand who, by sheer doggedness, had fought +his way from the hay-mow to the control of the produce market of +seventeen states. Others had it that he had been a lumberjack who, by +sheer doggedness, had got possession of the whole lumber forest of the +Lake district. Others said that he had been a miner in a Lake Superior +copper mine who had, by the doggedness of his character, got a +practical monopoly of the copper supply. These Saturday articles, at +any rate, made the Saturday reader rigid with sympathetic doggedness +himself, which was all that the editor (who was doggedly trying to make +the paper pay) wanted to effect. + +But in reality the making of Tomlinson's fortune was very simple. The +recipe for it is open to anyone. It is only necessary to own a hillside +farm beside Lake Erie where the uncleared bush and the broken fields go +straggling down to the lake, and to have running through it a creek, +such as that called Tomlinson's, brawling among the stones and willows, +and to discover in the bed of a creek--a gold mine. + +That is all. + +Nor is it necessary in these well-ordered days to discover the gold for +one's self. One might have lived a lifetime on the farm, as Tomlinson's +father had, and never discover it for one's self. For that indeed the +best medium of destiny is a geologist, let us say the senior professor +of geology at Plutoria University. That was how it happened. + +The senior professor, so it chanced, was spending his vacation near by +on the shores of the lake, and his time was mostly passed--for how +better can a man spend a month of pleasure?--in looking for +outcroppings of Devonian rock of the post-tertiary period. For which +purpose he carried a vacation hammer in his pocket, and made from time +to time a note or two as he went along, or filled his pockets with the +chippings of vacation rocks. + +So it chanced that he came to Tomlinson's Creek at the very point where +a great slab of Devonian rock bursts through the clay of the bank. When +the senior professor of geology saw it and noticed a stripe like a mark +on a tiger's back--a fault he called it--that ran over the face of the +block, he was at it in an instant, beating off fragments with his +little hammer. + +Tomlinson and his boy Fred were logging in the underbrush near by with +a long chain and yoke of oxen, but the geologist was so excited that he +did not see them till the sound of his eager hammer had brought them to +his side. They took him up to the frame house in the clearing, where +the chatelaine was hoeing a potato patch with a man's hat on her head, +and they gave him buttermilk and soda cakes, but his hand shook so that +he could hardly eat them. + +The geologist left Cahoga station that night for the City with a +newspaper full of specimens inside his suit-case, and he knew that if +any person or persons would put up money enough to tear that block of +rock away and follow the fissure down, there would be found there +something to astonish humanity, geologists and all. + + * * * * * + +After that point in the launching of a gold mine the rest is easy. +Generous, warm-hearted men, interested in geology, were soon found. +There was no stint of money. The great rock was torn sideways from its +place, and from beneath it the crumbled, glittering rock-dust that +sparkled in the sun was sent in little boxes to the testing +laboratories of Plutoria University. There the senior professor of +geology had sat up with it far into the night in a darkened laboratory, +with little blue flames playing underneath crucibles, as in a +magician's cavern, and with the door locked. And as each sample that he +tested was set aside and tied in a cardboard box by itself, he labelled +it "aur. p. 75," and the pen shook in his hand as he marked it. For to +professors of geology those symbols mean "this is seventy-five per cent +pure gold." So it was no wonder that the senior professor of geology +working far into the night among the blue flames shook with excitement; +not, of course, for the gold's sake as money (he had no time to think +of that), but because if this thing was true it meant that an +auriferous vein had been found in what was Devonian rock of the +post-tertiary stratification, and if that was so it upset enough +geology to spoil a textbook. It would mean that the professor could +read a paper at the next Pan-Geological Conference that would turn the +whole assembly into a bedlam. + +It pleased him, too, to know that the men he was dealing with were +generous. They had asked him to name his own price or the tests that he +made and when he had said two dollars per sample they had told him to +go right ahead. The professor was not, I suppose, a mercenary man, but +it pleased him to think that he could, clean up sixteen dollars in a +single evening in his laboratory. It showed, at any rate, that +businessmen put science at its proper value. Strangest of all was the +fact that the men had told him that even this ore was apparently +nothing to what there was; it had all come out of one single spot in +the creek, not the hundredth part of the whole claim. Lower down, where +they had thrown the big dam across to make the bed dry, they were +taking out this same stuff and even better, so they said, in cartloads. +The hydraulic dredges were tearing it from the bed of the creek all +day, and at night a great circuit of arc lights gleamed and sputtered +over the roaring labour of the friends of geological research. + +Thus had the Erie Auriferous Consolidated broken in a tidal wave over +financial circles. On the Stock Exchange, in the downtown offices, and +among the palm trees of the Mausoleum Club they talked of nothing else. +And so great was the power of the wave that it washed Tomlinson and his +wife along on the crest of it, and landed them fifty feet up in their +thousand-dollar suite in the Grand Palaver. And as a result of it +"mother" wore a beetle-back jacket; and Tomlinson received a hundred +telegrams a day, and Fred quit school and ate chocolates. + +But in the business world the most amazing thing about it was the +wonderful shrewdness of Tomlinson. + +The first sign of it had been that he had utterly refused to allow the +Erie Auriferous Consolidated (as the friends of geology called +themselves) to take over the top half of the Tomlinson farm. For the +bottom part he let them give him one-half of the preferred stock in the +company in return for their supply of development capital. This was +their own proposition; in fact, they reckoned that in doing this they +were trading about two hundred thousand dollars' worth of machinery +for, say ten million dollars of gold. But it frightened them when +Tomlinson said "Yes" to the offer, and when he said that as to common +stock they might keep it, it was no use to him, they were alarmed and +uneasy till they made him take a block of it for the sake of market +confidence. + +But the top end of the farm he refused to surrender, and the friends of +applied geology knew that there must be something pretty large behind +this refusal; the more so as the reason that Tomlinson gave was such a +simple one. He said that he didn't want to part with the top end of the +place because his father was buried on it beside the creek, and so he +didn't want the dam higher up, not for any consideration. + +This was regarded in business circles as a piece of great shrewdness. +"Says his father is buried there, eh? Devilish shrewd that!" + +It was so long since any of the members of the Exchange or the +Mausoleum Club had wandered into such places as Cahoga County that they +did not know that there was nothing strange in what Tomlinson said. His +father was buried there, on the farm itself, in a grave overgrown with +raspberry bushes, and with a wooden headstone encompassed by a square +of cedar rails, and slept as many another pioneer of Cahoga is sleeping. + +"Devilish smart idea!" they said; and forthwith half the financial men +of the city buried their fathers, or professed to have done so, in +likely places--along the prospective right-of-way of a suburban +railway, for example; in fact, in any place that marked them out for +the joyous resurrection of an expropriation purchase. + +Thus the astounding shrewdness of Tomlinson rapidly became a legend, +the more so as he turned everything he touched to gold. + +They narrated little stories of him in the whiskey-and-soda corners of +the Mausoleum Club. + +"I put it to him in a casual way," related, for example, Mr. Lucullus +Fyshe, "casually, but quite frankly. I said, 'See here, this is just a +bagatelle to you, no doubt, but to me it might be of some use. T. C. +bonds,' I said, 'have risen twenty-two and a half in a week. You know +as well as I do that they are only collateral trust, and that the stock +underneath never could and never can earn a par dividend. Now,' I said, +'Mr. Tomlinson, tell me what all that means?' Would you believe it, the +fellow looked me right in the face in that queer way he has and he +said, 'I don't know!'" + +"He said he didn't know!" repeated the listener, in a tone of amazement +and respect. "By Jove! eh? he said he didn't know! The man's a wizard!" + +"And he looked as if he didn't!" went on Mr. Fyshe. "That's the deuce +of it. That man when he wants to can put on a look, sir, that simply +means nothing, absolutely nothing." + +In this way Tomlinson had earned his name of the Wizard of American +Finance. + +And meantime Tomlinson and his wife, within their suite at the Grand +Palaver, had long since reached their decision. For there was one +aspect and only one in which Tomlinson was really and truly a wizard. +He saw clearly that for himself and his wife the vast fortune that had +fallen to them was of no manner of use. What did it bring them? The +noise and roar of the City in place of the silence of the farm and the +racket of the great rotunda to drown the remembered murmur of the +waters of the creek. + +So Tomlinson had decided to rid himself of his new wealth, save only +such as might be needed to make his son a different kind of man from +himself. + +"For Fred, of course," he said, "it's different. But out of such a lot +as that it'll be easy to keep enough for him. It'll be a grand thing +for Fred, this money. He won't have to grow up like you and me. He'll +have opportunities we never got." He was getting them already. The +opportunity to wear seven dollar patent leather shoes and a bell-shaped +overcoat with a silk collar, to lounge into moving-picture shows and +eat chocolates and smoke cigarettes--all these opportunities he was +gathering immediately. Presently, when he learned his way round a +little, he would get still bigger ones. + +"He's improving fast," said mother. She was thinking of his patent +leather shoes. + +"He's popular," said his father. "I notice it downstairs. He sasses any +of them just as he likes; and no matter how busy they are, as soon as +they see it's Fred they're all ready to have a laugh with him." + +Certainly they were, as any hotel clerk with plastered hair is ready to +laugh with the son of a multimillionaire. It's a certain sense of +humour that they develop. + +"But for us, mother," said the Wizard, "we'll be rid of it. The gold is +there. It's not right to keep it back. But we'll just find a way to +pass it on to folks that need it worse than we do." + +For a time they had thought of giving away the fortune. But how? Who +did they know that would take it? + +It had crossed their minds--for who could live in the City a month +without observing the imposing buildings of Plutoria University, as +fine as any departmental store in town?--that they might give it to the +college. + +But there, it seemed, the way was blocked. + +"You see, mother," said the puzzled Wizard, "we're not known. We're +strangers. I'd look fine going up there to the college and saying, 'I +want to give you people a million dollars.' They'd laugh at me!" + +"But don't one read it in the papers," his wife had protested, "where +Mr. Carnegie gives ever so much to the colleges, more than all we've +got, and they take it?" + +"That's different," said the Wizard. "He's in with them. They all know +him. Why, he's a sort of chairman of different boards of colleges, and +he knows all the heads of the schools, and the professors, so it's no +wonder that if he offers to give a pension, or anything, they take it. +Just think of me going up to one of the professors up there in the +middle of his teaching and saying; 'I'd like to give you a pension for +life!' Imagine it! Think what he'd say!" + +But the Tomlinsons couldn't imagine it, which was just as well. + +So it came about that they had embarked on their system. Mother, who +knew most arithmetic, was the leading spirit. She tracked out all the +stocks and bonds in the front page of the _Financial Undertone_, and on +her recommendation the Wizard bought. They knew the stocks only by +their letters, but this itself gave a touch of high finance to their +deliberations. + +"I'd buy some of this R.O.P. if I was you," said mother; "it's gone +down from 127 to 107 in two days, and I reckon it'll be all gone in ten +days or so." + +"Wouldn't 'G.G. deb.' be better? It goes down quicker." + +"Well, it's a quick one," she assented, "but it don't go down so +steady. You can't rely on it. You take ones like R.O.P. and T.R.R. +pfd.; they go down all the time and you know where you are." + +As a result of which, Tomlinson would send his instructions. He did it +all from the rotunda in a way of his own that he had evolved with a +telegraph clerk who told him the names of brokers, and he dealt thus +through brokers whom he never saw. As a result of this, the sluggish +R.O.P. and T.R.R. would take as sudden a leap into the air as might a +mule with a galvanic shock applied to its tail. At once the word was +whispered that the "Tomlinson interests" were after the R.O.P. to +reorganize it, and the whole floor of the Exchange scrambled for the +stock. + +And so it was that after a month or two of these operations the Wizard +of Finance saw himself beaten. + +"It's no good, mother," he repeated, "it's just a kind of Destiny." + +Destiny perhaps it was. + +But, if the Wizard of Finance had known it, at this very moment when he +sat with the Aladdin's palace of his golden fortune reared so strangely +about him, Destiny was preparing for him still stranger things. + +Destiny, so it would seem, was devising Its own ways and means of +dealing with Tomlinson's fortune. As one of the ways and means, Destiny +was sending at this moment as its special emissaries two huge, portly +figures, wearing gigantic goloshes, and striding downwards from the +halls of Plutoria University to the Grand Palaver Hotel. And one of +these was the gigantic Dr. Boomer, the president of the college, and +the other was his professor of Greek, almost as gigantic as himself. +And they carried in their capacious pockets bundles of pamphlets on +"Archaeological Remains of Mitylene," and the "Use of the Greek +Pluperfect," and little treatises such as "Education and Philanthropy," +by Dr. Boomer, and "The Excavation of Mitylene: An Estimate of Cost," +by Dr. Boyster, "Boomer on the Foundation and Maintenance of Chairs," +etc. + +Many a man in city finance who had seen Dr. Boomer enter his office +with a bundle of these monographs and a fighting glitter in his eyes +had sunk back in his chair in dismay. For it meant that Dr. Boomer had +tracked him out for a benefaction to the University, and that all +resistance was hopeless. + +When Dr. Boomer once laid upon a capitalist's desk his famous pamphlet +on the "Use of the Greek Pluperfect," it was as if an Arabian sultan +had sent the fatal bow-string to a condemned pasha, or Morgan the +buccaneer had served the death-sign on a shuddering pirate. + +So they came nearer and nearer, shouldering the passers-by. The sound +of them as they talked was like the roaring of the sea as Homer heard +it. Never did Castor and Pollux come surging into battle as Dr. Boomer +and Dr. Boyster bore down upon the Grand Palaver Hotel. + +Tomlinson, the Wizard of Finance, had hesitated about going to the +university. The university was coming to him. As for those millions of +his, he could take his choice--dormitories, apparatus, campuses, +buildings, endowment, anything he liked but choose he must. And if he +feared that, after all, his fortune was too vast even for such a +disposal, Dr. Boomer would show him how he might use it in digging up +ancient Mitylene, or modern Smyrna, or the lost cities of the Plain of +Pactolus. If the size of the fortune troubled him, Dr. Boomer would dig +him up the whole African Sahara from Alexandria to Morocco, and ask for +more. + +But if Destiny held all this for Tomlinson in its outstretched palm +before it, it concealed stranger things still beneath the folds of its +toga. + +There were enough surprises there to turn the faces of the whole +directorate of the Erie Auriferous Consolidated as yellow as the gold +they mined. + +For at this very moment, while the president of Plutoria University +drew nearer and nearer to the Grand Palaver Hotel, the senior professor +of geology was working again beside the blue flames in his darkened +laboratory. And this time there was no shaking excitement over him. Nor +were the labels that he marked, as sample followed sample in the tests, +the same as those of the previous marking. Not by any means. + +And his grave face as he worked in silence was as still as the stones +of the post-tertiary period. + + + +CHAPTER THREE: The Arrested Philanthropy of Mr. Tomlinson + +"This, Mr. Tomlinson, is our campus," said President Boomer as they +passed through the iron gates of Plutoria University. + +"For camping?" said the Wizard. + +"Not exactly," answered the president, "though it would, of course, +suit for that. _Nihil humunum alienum_, eh?" and he broke into a loud, +explosive laugh, while his spectacles irradiated that peculiar form of +glee derived from a Latin quotation by those able to enjoy it. Dr. +Boyster, walking on the other side of Mr. Tomlinson, joined in the +laugh in a deep, reverberating chorus. + +The two had the Wizard of Finance between them, and they were marching +him up to the University. He was taken along much as is an arrested man +who has promised to go quietly. They kept their hands off him, but they +watched him sideways through their spectacles. At the least sign of +restlessness they doused him with Latin. The Wizard of Finance, having +been marked out by Dr. Boomer and Dr. Boyster as a prospective +benefactor, was having Latin poured over him to reduce him to the +proper degree of plasticity. + +They had already put him through the first stage. They had, three days +ago, called on him at the Grand Palaver and served him with a pamphlet +on "The Excavation of Mitylene" as a sort of writ. Tomlinson and his +wife had looked at the pictures of the ruins, and from the appearance +of them they judged that Mitylene was in Mexico, and they said that it +was a shame to see it in that state and that the United States ought to +intervene. + +As the second stage on the path of philanthropy, the Wizard of Finance +was now being taken to look at the university. Dr. Boomer knew by +experience that no rich man could look at it without wanting to give it +money. + +And here the president had found that there is no better method of +dealing with businessmen than to use Latin on them. For other purposes +the president used other things. For example at a friendly dinner at +the Mausoleum Club where light conversation was in order, Dr. Boomer +chatted, as has been seen, on the archaeological remains of the +Navajos. In the same way, at Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's Dante luncheons, he +generally talked of the Italian _cinquecentisti_ and whether Gian Gobbo +della Scala had left a greater name than Can Grande della Spiggiola. +But such talk as that was naturally only for women. Businessmen are +much too shrewd for that kind of thing; in fact, so shrewd are they, as +President Boomer had long since discovered, that nothing pleases them +so much as the quiet, firm assumption that they know Latin. It is like +writing them up an asset. So it was that Dr. Boomer would greet a +business acquaintance with a roaring salutation of, "_Terque quaterque +beatus_," or stand wringing his hand off to the tune of "_Oh et +presidium et dulce decus meum_." + +This caught them every time. + +"You don't," said Tomlinson the Wizard in a hesitating tone as he +looked at the smooth grass of the campus, "I suppose, raise anything on +it?" + +"No, no; this is only for field sports," said the president; "_sunt +quos curriculo_--" + +To which Dr. Boyster on the other side added, like a chorus, "_pulverem +Olympicum_." + +This was their favourite quotation. It always gave President Boomer a +chance to speak of the final letter "m" in Latin poetry, and to say +that in his opinion the so-called elision of the final "m" was more +properly a dropping of the vowel with a repercussion of the two last +consonants. He supported this by quoting Ammianus, at which Dr. Boyster +exclaimed, "Pooh! Ammianus: more dog Latin!" and appealed to Mr. +Tomlinson as to whether any rational man nowadays cared what Ammianus +thought? + +To all of which Tomlinson answered never a word, but looked steadily +first at one and then at the other. Dr. Boomer said afterwards that the +penetration of Tomlinson was wonderful, and that it was excellent to +see how Boyster tried in vain to draw him; and Boyster said afterwards +that the way in which Tomlinson quietly refused to be led on by Boomer +was delicious, and that it was a pity that Aristophanes was not there +to do it justice. + +All of which was happening as they went in at the iron gates and up the +elm avenue of Plutoria University. + +The university, as everyone knows, stands with its great gates on +Plutoria Avenue, and with its largest buildings, those of the faculties +of industrial and mechanical science, fronting full upon the street. + +These buildings are exceptionally fine, standing fifteen stories high +and comparing favourably with the best departmental stores or factories +in the City. Indeed, after nightfall, when they are all lighted up for +the evening technical classes and when their testing machinery is in +full swing and there are students going in and out in overall suits, +people have often mistaken the university, or this newer part of it, +for a factory. A foreign visitor once said that the students looked +like plumbers, and President Boomer was so proud of it that he put the +phrase into his next Commencement address; and from there the +newspapers got it and the Associated Press took it up and sent it all +over the United States with the heading, "Have Appearance of Plumbers; +Plutoria University Congratulated on Character of Students," and it was +a proud day indeed for the heads of the Industrial Science faculty. + +But the older part of the university stands so quietly and modestly at +the top end of the elm avenue, so hidden by the leaves of it, that no +one could mistake it for a factory. This, indeed, was once the whole +university, and had stood there since colonial days under the name +Concordia College. It had been filled with generations of presidents +and professors of the older type with long white beards and rusty black +clothes, and salaries of fifteen hundred dollars. + +But the change both of name and of character from Concordia College to +Plutoria University was the work of President Boomer. He had changed it +from an old-fashioned college of the by-gone type to a university in +the true modern sense. At Plutoria they now taught everything. +Concordia College, for example, had no teaching of religion except +lectures on the Bible. Now they had lectures also on Confucianism, +Mohammedanism Buddhism, with an optional course on atheism for students +in the final year. + +And, of course, they had long since admitted women, and there were now +beautiful creatures with Cleo de Merode hair studying astronomy at +oaken desks and looking up at the teacher with eyes like comets. The +university taught everything and did everything. It had whirling +machines on the top of it that measured the speed of the wind, and deep +in its basements it measured earthquakes with a seismograph; it held +classes on forestry and dentistry and palmistry; it sent life classes +into the slums, and death classes to the city morgue. It offered such a +vast variety of themes, topics and subjects to the students, that there +was nothing that a student was compelled to learn, while from its own +presses in its own press-building it sent out a shower of bulletins and +monographs like driven snow from a rotary plough. + +In fact, it had become, as President Boomer told all the businessmen in +town, not merely a university, but a _universitas_ in the true sense, +and every one of its faculties was now a _facultas_ in the real +acceptance of the word, and its studies properly and truly _studia_; +indeed, if the businessmen would only build a few more dormitories and +put up enough money to form an adequate _fondatum_ or _fundum_, then +the good work might be looked upon as complete. + +As the three walked up the elm avenue there met them a little stream of +students with college books, and female students with winged-victory +hats, and professors with last year's overcoats. And some went past +with a smile and others with a shiver. + +"That's Professor Withers," said the president in a sympathetic voice +as one of the shivering figures went past; "poor Withers," and he +sighed. + +"What's wrong with him?" said the Wizard; "is he sick?" + +"No, not sick," said the president quietly and sadly, "merely +inefficient." + +"Inefficient?" + +"Unfortunately so. Mind you, I don't mean 'inefficient' in every sense. +By no means. If anyone were to come to me and say, 'Boomer, can you put +your hand for me on a first-class botanist?' I'd say, 'Take Withers.' +I'd say it in a minute." This was true. He would have. In fact, if +anyone had made this kind of rash speech, Dr. Boomer would have given +away half the professoriate. + +"Well, what's wrong with him?" repeated Tomlinson, "I suppose he ain't +quite up to the mark in some ways, eh?" + +"Precisely," said the president, "not quite up to the mark--a very +happy way of putting it. _Capax imperii nisi imperasset_, as no doubt +you are thinking to yourself. The fact is that Withers, though an +excellent fellow, can't manage large classes. With small classes he is +all right, but with large classes the man is lost. He can't handle +them." + +"He can't, eh?" said the Wizard. + +"No. But what can I do? There he is. I can't dismiss him. I can't +pension him. I've no money for it." + +Here the president slackened a little in his walk and looked sideways +at the prospective benefactor. But Tomlinson gave no sign. + +A second professorial figure passed them on the other side. + +"There again," said the president, "that's another case of +inefficiency--Professor Shottat, our senior professor of English." + +"What's wrong with _him_?" asked the Wizard. + +"He can't handle _small_ classes," said the president. "With large +classes he is really excellent, but with small ones the man is simply +hopeless." + +In this fashion, before Mr. Tomlinson had measured the length of the +avenue, he had had ample opportunity to judge of the crying need of +money at Plutoria University, and of the perplexity of its president. +He was shown professors who could handle the first year, but were +powerless with the second; others who were all right with the second +but broke down with the third, while others could handle the third but +collapsed with the fourth. There were professors who were all right in +their own subject, but perfectly impossible outside of it; others who +were so occupied outside of their own subject that they were useless +inside of it; others who knew their subject, but couldn't lecture; and +others again who lectured admirably, but didn't know their subject. + +In short it was clear--as it was meant to be--that the need of the +moment was a sum of money sufficient to enable the president to dismiss +everybody but himself and Dr. Boyster. The latter stood in a class all +by himself. He had known the president for forty-five years, ever since +he was a fat little boy with spectacles in a classical academy, +stuffing himself on irregular Greek verbs as readily as if on oysters. + +But it soon appeared that the need for dismissing the professors was +only part of the trouble. There were the buildings to consider. + +"This, I am ashamed to say," said Dr. Boomer, as they passed the +imitation Greek portico of the old Concordia College building, "is our +original home, the _fons et origo_ of our studies, our faculty of arts." + +It was indeed a dilapidated building, yet there was a certain majesty +about it, too, especially when one reflected that it had been standing +there looking much the same at the time when its students had trooped +off in a flock to join the army of the Potomac, and much the same, +indeed, three generations before that, when the classes were closed and +the students clapped three-cornered hats on their heads and were off to +enlist as minute men with flintlock muskets under General Washington. + +But Dr. Boomer's one idea was to knock the building down and to build +on its site a real _facultas_ ten storeys high, with elevators in it. + +Tomlinson looked about him humbly as he stood in the main hall. The +atmosphere of the place awed him. There were bulletins and time-tables +and notices stuck on the walls that gave evidence of the activity of +the place. "Professor Slithers will be unable to meet his classes +today," ran one of them, and another "Professor Withers will not meet +his classes this week," and another, "Owing to illness, Professor +Shottat will not lecture this month," while still another announced, +"Owing to the indisposition of Professor Podge, all botanical classes +are suspended, but Professor Podge hopes to be able to join in the +Botanical Picnic Excursion to Loon Lake on Saturday afternoon." You +could judge of the grinding routine of the work from the nature of +these notices. Anyone familiar with the work of colleges would not heed +it, but it shocked Tomlinson to think how often the professors of the +college were stricken down by overwork. + +Here and there in the hall, set into niches, were bronze busts of men +with Roman faces and bare necks, and the edge of a toga cast over each +shoulder. + +"Who would these be?" asked Tomlinson, pointing at them. "Some of the +chief founders and benefactors of the faculty," answered the president, +and at this the hopes of Tomlinson sank in his heart. For he realized +the class of man one had to belong to in order to be accepted as a +university benefactor. + +"A splendid group of men, are they not?" said the president. "We owe +them much. This is the late Mr. Hogworth, a man of singularly large +heart." Here he pointed to a bronze figure wearing a wreath of laurel +and inscribed GULIEMUS HOGWORTH, LITT. DOC. "He had made a great +fortune in the produce business and wishing to mark his gratitude to +the community he erected the anemometer, the wind-measure, on the roof +of the building, attaching to it no other condition than that his name +should be printed in the weekly reports immediately beside the velocity +of the wind. The figure beside him is the late Mr. Underbugg, who +founded our lectures on the Four Gospels on the sole stipulation that +henceforth any reference of ours to the four gospels should be coupled +with his name." + +"What's that after his name?" asked Tomlinson. + +"Litt. Doc.?" said the president. "Doctor of Letters, our honorary +degree. We are always happy to grant it to our benefactors by a vote of +the faculty." + +Here Dr. Boomer and Dr. Boyster wheeled half round and looked quietly +and steadily at the Wizard of Finance. To both their minds it was +perfectly plain that an honourable bargain was being struck. + +"Yes, Mr. Tomlinson," said the president, as they emerged from the +building, "no doubt you begin to realize our unhappy position. Money, +money, money," he repeated half-musingly. "If I had the money I'd have +that whole building down and dismantled in a fortnight." + +From the central building the three passed to the museum building, +where Tomlinson was shown a vast skeleton of a Diplodocus Maximus, and +was specially warned not to confuse it with the Dinosaurus Perfectus, +whose bones, however, could be bought if anyone, any man of large +heart; would come to the university and say straight out, "Gentlemen, +what can I do for you?" Better still, it appeared the whole museum +which was hopelessly antiquated, being twenty-five years old, could be +entirely knocked down if a sufficient sum was forthcoming; and its +curator, who was as ancient as the Dinosaurus itself, could be +dismissed on half-pay if any man had a heart large enough for the +dismissal. + +From the museum they passed to the library, where there were +full-length portraits of more founders and benefactors in long red +robes, holding scrolls of paper, and others sitting holding pens and +writing on parchment, with a Greek temple and a thunderstorm in the +background. + +And here again it appeared that the crying need of the moment was for +someone to come to the university and say, "Gentlemen, what can I do +for you?" On which the whole library, for it was twenty years old and +out of date, might be blown up with dynamite and carted away. + +But at all this the hopes of Tomlinson sank lower and lower. The red +robes and the scrolls were too much for him. + +From the library they passed to the tall buildings that housed the +faculty of industrial and mechanical science. And here again the same +pitiful lack of money was everywhere apparent. For example, in the +physical science department there was a mass of apparatus for which the +university was unable to afford suitable premises, and in the chemical +department there were vast premises for which the university was unable +to buy apparatus, and so on. Indeed it was part of Dr. Boomer's method +to get himself endowed first with premises too big for the apparatus, +and then by appealing to public spirit to call for enough apparatus to +more than fill the premises, by means of which system industrial +science at Plutoria University advanced with increasing and gigantic +strides. + +But most of all, the electric department interested the Wizard of +Finance. And this time his voice lost its hesitating tone and he looked +straight at Dr. Boomer as he began, + +"I have a boy--" + +"Ah!" said Dr. Boomer, with a huge ejaculation of surprise and relief; +"you have a boy!" + +There were volumes in his tone. What it meant was, "Now, indeed, we +have got you where we want you," and he exchanged a meaning look with +the professor of Greek. + +Within five minutes the president and Tomlinson and Dr. Boyster were +gravely discussing on what terms and in what way Fred might be admitted +to study in the faculty of industrial science. The president, on +learning that Fred had put in four years in Cahoga County Section No. 3 +School, and had been head of his class in ciphering, nodded his head +gravely and said it would simply be a matter of a _pro tanto_; that, in +fact, he felt sure that Fred might be admitted _ad eundem_. But the +real condition on which they meant to admit him was, of course, not +mentioned. + +One door only in the faculty of industrial and mechanical science they +did not pass, a heavy oak door at the end of a corridor bearing the +painted inscription: Geological and Metallurgical Laboratories. Stuck +in the door was a card with the words (they were conceived in the +courteous phrases of mechanical science, which is almost a branch of +business in the real sense): Busy--keep out. + +Dr. Boomer looked at the card. "Ah, yes," he said. "Gildas is no doubt +busy with his tests. We won't disturb him." The president was always +proud to find a professor busy; it looked well. + +But if Dr. Boomer had known what was going on behind the oaken door of +the Department of Geology and Metallurgy, he would have felt +considerably disturbed himself. + +For here again Gildas, senior professor of geology, was working among +his blue flames at a final test on which depended the fate of the Erie +Auriferous Consolidated and all connected with it. + +Before him there were some twenty or thirty packets of crumpled dust +and splintered ore that glittered on the testing-table. It had been +taken up from the creek along its whole length, at even spaces twenty +yards apart, by an expert sent down in haste by the directorate, after +Gildas's second report, and heavily bribed to keep his mouth shut. + +And as Professor Gildas stood and worked at the samples and tied them +up after analysis in little white cardboard boxes, he marked each one +very carefully and neatly with the words, PYRITES: WORTHLESS. + +Beside the professor worked a young demonstrator of last year's +graduation class. It was he, in fact, who had written the polite notice +on the card. + +"What is the stuff, anyway?" he asked. + +"A sulphuret of iron," said the professor, "or iron pyrites. In colour +and appearance it is practically identical with gold. Indeed, in all +ages," he went on, dropping at once into the classroom tone and +adopting the professional habit of jumping backwards twenty centuries +in order to explain anything properly, "it has been readily mistaken +for the precious metal. The ancients called it 'fool's gold.' Martin +Frobisher brought back four shiploads of it from Baffin Land thinking +that he had discovered an Eldorado. There are large deposits of it in +the mines of Cornwall, and it is just possible," here the professor +measured his words as if speaking of something that he wouldn't +promise, "that the Cassiterides of the Phoenicians contained deposits +of the same sulphuret. Indeed, I defy anyone," he continued, for he was +piqued in his scientific pride, "to distinguish it from gold without a +laboratory-test. In large quantities, I concede, its lack of weight +would betray it to a trained hand, but without testing its solubility +in nitric acid, or the fact of its burning with a blue flame under the +blow-pipe, it cannot be detected. In short, when crystallized in +dodecahedrons--" + +"Is it any good?" broke in the demonstrator. + +"Good?" said the professor. "Oh, you mean commercially? Not in the +slightest. Much less valuable than, let us say, ordinary mud or clay. +In fact, it is absolutely good for nothing." + +They were silent for a moment, watching the blue flames above the +brazier. + +Then Gildas spoke again. "Oddly enough," he said, "the first set of +samples were undoubtedly pure gold--not the faintest doubt of that. +That is the really interesting part of the matter. These gentlemen +concerned in the enterprise will, of course, lose their money, and I +shall therefore decline to accept the very handsome fee which they had +offered me for my services. But the main feature, the real point of +interest in this matter remains. Here we have undoubtedly a sporadic +deposit--what miners call a pocket--of pure gold in a Devonian +formation of the post-tertiary period. This once established, we must +revise our entire theory of the distribution of igneous and aqueous +rocks. In fact, I am already getting notes together for a paper for the +Pan-Geological under the heading, Auriferous Excretions in the Devonian +Strata: a Working Hypothesis. I hope to read it at the next meeting." + +The young demonstrator looked at the professor with one eye half-closed. + +"I don't think I would if I were you." he said. + +Now this young demonstrator knew nothing or practically nothing, of +geology, because he came of one of the richest and best families in +town and didn't need to. But he was a smart young man, dressed in the +latest fashion with brown boots and a crosswise tie, and he knew more +about money and business and the stock exchange in five minutes than +Professor Gildas in his whole existence. + +"Why not?" said the professor. + +"Why, don't you see what's happened?" + +"Eh?" said Gildas. + +"What happened to those first samples? When that bunch got interested +and planned to float the company? Don't you see? Somebody salted them +on you." + +"_Salted_ them on me?" repeated the professor, mystified. + +"Yes, salted them. Somebody got wise to what they were and swopped them +on you for the real thing, so as to get your certified report that the +stuff was gold." + +"I begin to see," muttered the professor. "Somebody exchanged the +samples, some person no doubt desirous of establishing the theory that +a sporadic outcropping of the sort might be found in a post-tertiary +formation. I see, I see. No doubt he intended to prepare a paper on it, +and prove his thesis by these tests. I see it all!" + +The demonstrator looked at the professor with a sort of pity. + +"You're on!" he said, and he laughed softly to himself. + + * * * * * + +"Well," said Dr. Boomer, after Tomlinson had left the university, "what +do you make of him?" The president had taken Dr. Boyster over to his +house beside the campus, and there in his study had given him a cigar +as big as a rope and taken another himself. This was a sign that Dr. +Boomer wanted Dr. Boyster's opinion in plain English, without any Latin +about it. + +"Remarkable man," said the professor of Greek; "wonderful penetration, +and a man of very few words. Of course his game is clear enough?" + +"Entirely so," asserted Dr. Boomer. + +"It's clear enough that he means to give the money on two conditions." + +"Exactly," said the president. + +"First that we admit his son, who is quite unqualified, to the senior +studies in electrical science, and second that we grant him the degree +of Doctor of Letters. Those are his terms." "Can we meet them?" + +"Oh, certainly. As to the son, there is no difficulty, of course; as to +the degree, it's only a question of getting the faculty to vote it. I +think we can manage it." + + * * * * * + +Vote it they did that very afternoon. True, if the members of the +faculty had known the things that were being whispered, and more than +whispered, in the City about Tomlinson and his fortune, no degree would +ever have been conferred on him. But it so happened that at that moment +the whole professoriate was absorbed in one of those great educational +crises which from time to time shake a university to its base. The +meeting of the faculty that day bid fair to lose all vestige of decorum +in the excitement of the moment. For, as Dean Elderberry Foible, the +head of the faculty, said, the motion that they had before them +amounted practically to a revolution. The proposal was nothing less +than the permission of the use of lead-pencils instead of pen and ink +in the sessional examinations of the university. Anyone conversant with +the inner life of a college will realize that to many of the +professoriate this was nothing less than a last wild onslaught of +socialistic democracy against the solid bulwarks of society. They must +fight it back or die on the walls. To others it was one more step in +the splendid progress of democratic education, comparable only to such +epoch-making things as the abandonment of the cap and gown, and the +omission of the word "sir" in speaking to a professor. + +No wonder that the fight raged. Elderberry Foible, his fluffed white +hair almost on end, beat in vain with his gavel for order. Finally, +Chang of Physiology, who was a perfect dynamo of energy and was known +frequently to work for three or four hours at a stretch, proposed that +the faculty should adjourn the question and meet for its further +discussion on the following Saturday morning. This revolutionary +suggestion, involving work on Saturday, reduced the meeting to a mere +turmoil, in the midst of which Elderberry Foible proposed that the +whole question of the use of lead-pencils should be adjourned till that +day six months, and that meantime a new special committee of seventeen +professors, with power to add to their number, to call witnesses and, +if need be, to hear them, should report on the entire matter _de novo_. +This motion, after the striking out of the words _de novo_ and the +insertion of _ab initio_, was finally carried, after which the faculty +sank back completely exhausted into its chair, the need of afternoon +tea and toast stamped on every face. + +And it was at this moment that President Boomer, who understood +faculties as few men have done, quietly entered the room, laid his silk +hat on a volume of Demosthenes, and proposed the vote of a degree of +Doctor of Letters for Edward Tomlinson. He said that there was no need +to remind the faculty of Tomlinson's services to the nation; they knew +them. Of the members of the faculty, indeed, some thought that he meant +the Tomlinson who wrote the famous monologue on the Iota Subscript, +while others supposed that he referred to the celebrated philosopher +Tomlinson, whose new book on the Indivisibility of the Inseparable was +just then maddening the entire world. In any case, they voted the +degree without a word, still faint with exhaustion. + + * * * * * + +But while the university was conferring on Tomlinson the degree of +Doctor of Letters, all over the City in business circles they were +conferring on him far other titles. "Idiot," "Scoundrel," "Swindler," +were the least of them. Every stock and share with which his name was +known to be connected was coming down with a run, wiping out the +accumulated profits of the Wizard at the rate of a thousand dollars a +minute. + +They not only questioned his honesty, but they went further and +questioned his business capacity. + +"The man," said Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, sitting in the Mausoleum Club and +breathing freely at last after having disposed of all his holdings in +the Erie Auriferous, "is an ignoramus. I asked him only the other day, +quite casually, a perfectly simple business question. I said to him. +'T.C. Bonds have risen twenty-two and a half in a week. You know and I +know that they are only collateral trust, and that the stock underneath +never could and never would earn a par dividend. Now,' I said, for I +wanted to test the fellow, 'tell me what that means?' Would you believe +me, he looked me right in the face in that stupid way of his, and he +said, 'I don't know!'" + +"He said he didn't know!" repeated the listener contemptuously; "the +man is a damn fool!" + + * * * * * + +The reason of all this was that the results of the researches of the +professor of geology were being whispered among the directorate of the +Erie Auriferous. And the directors and chief shareholders were busily +performing the interesting process called unloading. Nor did ever a +farmer of Cahoga County in haying time with a thunderstorm threatening, +unload with greater rapidity than did the major shareholders of the +Auriferous. Mr. Lucullus Fyshe traded off a quarter of his stock to an +unwary member of the Mausoleum Club at a drop of thirty per cent, and +being too prudent to hold the rest on any terms, he conveyed it at once +as a benefaction in trust to the Plutorian Orphans' and Foundlings' +Home; while the purchaser of Mr. Fyshe's stock, learning too late of +his folly, rushed for his lawyers to have the shares conveyed as a gift +to the Home for Incurables. + +Mr. Asmodeus Boulder transferred his entire holdings to the Imbeciles' +Relief Society, and Mr. Furlong, senior, passed his over to a Chinese +mission as fast as pen could traverse paper. + +Down at the office of Skinyer and Beatem, the lawyers of the company, +they were working overtime drawing up deeds and conveyances and trusts +in perpetuity, with hardly time to put them into typewriting. Within +twenty-four hours the entire stock of the company bid fair to be in the +hands of Idiots, Orphans, Protestants, Foundlings, Imbeciles, +Missionaries, Chinese, and other unfinancial people, with Tomlinson the +Wizard of Finance as the senior shareholder and majority control. And +whether the gentle Wizard, as he sat with mother planning his vast +benefaction to Plutoria University, would have felt more at home with +his new group of fellow-shareholders than his old, it were hard to say. + +But, meantime, at the office of Skinyer and Beatem all was activity. +For not only were they drafting the conveyances of the perpetual trusts +as fast as legal brains working overtime could do it, but in another +part of the office a section of the firm were busily making their +preparations against the expected actions for fraud and warrants of +distraint and injunctions against disposal of assets and the whole +battery of artillery which might open on them at any moment. And they +worked like a corps of military engineers fortifying an escarpment, +with the joy of battle in their faces. + +The storm might break at any moment. Already at the office of the +_Financial Undertone_ the type was set for a special extra with a +heading three inches high: + + COLLAPSE + OF THE ERIE CONSOLIDATED + ARREST OF THE MAN TOMLINSON + EXPECTED THIS AFTERNOON + +Skinyer and Beatem had paid the editor, who was crooked, two thousand +dollars cash to hold back that extra for twenty-four hours; and the +editor had paid the reporting staff, who were crooked, twenty-five +dollars each to keep the news quiet, and the compositors, who were also +crooked, ten dollars per man to hold their mouths shut till the +morning, with the result that from editors and sub-editors and +reporters and compositors the news went seething forth in a flood that +the Erie Auriferous Consolidated was going to shatter into fragments +like the bursting of a dynamite bomb. It rushed with a thousand +whispering tongues from street to street till it filled the corridors +of the law courts and the lobbies of the offices, and till every honest +man that held a share of the stock shivered in his tracks and reached +out to give, sell, or destroy it. Only the unwinking Idiots, and the +mild Orphans, and the calm Deaf mutes and the impassive Chinese held +tight to what they had. So gathered the storm, till all the town, like +the great rotunda of the Grand Palaver, was filled with a silent "call +for Mr. Tomlinson," voiceless and ominous. + +And while all this was happening, and while at Skinyer and Beatem's +they worked with frantic pens and clattering type there came a knock at +the door, hesitant and uncertain, and before the eyes of the astounded +office there stood in his wide-awake hat and long black coat the figure +of "the man Tomlinson" himself. + +And Skinyer, the senior partner, no sooner heard what Tomlinson wanted +than he dashed across the outer office to his partner's room with his +hyena face all excitement as he said: + +"Beatem, Beatem, come over to my room. This man is absolutely the +biggest thing in America. For sheer calmness and nerve I never heard of +anything to approach him. What do you think he wants to do?" + +"What?" said Beatem. + +"Why, he's giving his entire fortune to the university." + +"By Gad!" ejaculated Beatem, and the two lawyers looked at one another, +lost in admiration of the marvellous genius and assurance of Tomlinson. + + * * * * * + +Yet what had happened was very simple. + +Tomlinson had come back from the university filled with mingled hope +and hesitation. The university, he saw, needed the money and he hoped +to give it his entire fortune, to put Dr. Boomer in a position to +practically destroy the whole place. But, like many a modest man, he +lacked the assurance to speak out. He felt that up to the present the +benefactors of the university had been men of an entirely different +class from himself. It was mother who solved the situation for him. + +"Well, father," she said, "there's one thing I've learned already since +we've had money. If you want to get a thing done you can always find +people to do it for you if you pay them. Why not go to those lawyers +that manage things for the company and get them to arrange it all for +you with the college?" + +As a result, Tomlinson had turned up at the door of the Skinyer and +Beatem office. + + * * * * * + +"Quite so, Mr. Tomlinson," said Skinyer, with his pen already dipped in +the ink, "a perfectly simple matter. I can draw up a draft of +conveyance with a few strokes of the pen. In fact, we can do it on the +spot." + +What he meant was, "In fact, we can do it so fast that I can pocket a +fee of five hundred dollars right here and now while you have the money +to pay me." + +"Now then," he continued, "let us see how it is to run." + +"Well," said Tomlinson, "I want you to put it that I give all my stock +in the company to the university." + +"All of it?" said Skinyer, with a quiet smile to Beatem. + +"Every cent of it, sir," said Tomlinson; "just write down that I give +all of it to the college." + +"Very good," said Skinyer, and he began to write, "I, so-and-so, and +so-and-so, of the county of so-and-so--Cahoga, I think you said, Mr. +Tomlinson?" + +"Yes, sir," said the Wizard, "I was raised there." + +"--do hereby give, assign, devise, transfer, and the transfer is hereby +given, devised and assigned, all those stocks, shares, hereditaments, +etc., which I hold in the etc., etc., all, several and whatever--you +will observe, Mr. Tomlinson, I am expressing myself with as great +brevity as possible--to that institution, academy, college, school, +university, now known and reputed to be Plutoria University, of the +city of etc., etc." + +He paused a moment. "Now what special objects or purposes shall I +indicate?" he asked. + +Whereupon Tomlinson explained as best he could, and Skinyer, working +with great rapidity, indicated that the benefaction was to include a +Demolition Fund for the removal of buildings, a Retirement Fund for the +removal of professors, an Apparatus Fund for the destruction of +apparatus, and a General Sinking Fund for the obliteration of anything +not otherwise mentioned. + +"And I'd like to do something, if I could, for Mr. Boomer himself, just +as man to man," said Tomlinson. + +"All right," said Beatem, and he could hardly keep his face straight. +"Give him a chunk of the stock--give him half a million." + +"I will," said Tomlinson; "he deserves it." + +"Undoubtedly," said Mr. Skinyer. + +And within a few minutes the whole transaction was done, and Tomlinson, +filled with joy, was wringing the hands of Skinyer and Beatem, and +telling them to name their own fee. + +They had meant to, anyway. + + * * * * * + +"Is that legal, do you suppose?" said Beatem to Skinyer, after the +Wizard had gone. "Will it hold water?" + +"Oh, I don't think so," said Skinyer, "not for a minute. In fact, +rather the other way. If they make an arrest for fraudulent flotation, +this conveyance, I should think, would help to send him to the +penitentiary. But I very much doubt if they can arrest him. Mind you, +the fellow is devilish shrewd. You know, and I know that he planned +this whole flotation with a full knowledge of the fraud. _You_ and _I_ +know it--very good--but we know it more from our trained instinct in +such things than by any proof. The fellow has managed to surround +himself with such an air of good faith from start to finish that it +will be deuced hard to get at him." + +"What will he do now?" said Beatem. + +"I tell you what he'll do. Mark my words. Within twenty-four hours +he'll clear out and be out of the state, and if they want to get him +they'll have to extradite. I tell you he's a man of extraordinary +capacity. The rest of us are nowhere beside him." + +In which, perhaps, there was some truth. + + * * * * * + +"Well, mother," said the Wizard, when he reached the thousand-dollar +suite, after his interview with Skinyer and Beatem, his face irradiated +with simple joy, "it's done. I've put the college now in a position it +never was in before, nor any other college; the lawyers say so +themselves." + +"That's good," said mother. + +"Yes, and it's a good thing I didn't lose the money when I tried to. +You see, mother, what I hadn't realized was the good that could be done +with all that money if a man put his heart into it. They can start in +as soon as they like and tear down those buildings. My! but it's just +wonderful what you can do with money. I'm glad I didn't lose it!" + +So they talked far into the evening. That night they slept in an +Aladdin's palace filled with golden fancies. + +And in the morning the palace and all its visions fell tumbling about +their heads in sudden and awful catastrophe. For with Tomlinson's first +descent to the rotunda it broke. The whole great space seemed filled +with the bulletins and the broadside sheets of the morning papers, the +crowd surging to and fro buying the papers, men reading them as they +stood, and everywhere in great letters there met his eye: + + COLLAPSE + OF THE ERIE AURIFEROUS + + THE GREAT GOLD SWINDLE + + ARREST OF THE MAN TOMLINSON + EXPECTED THIS MORNING + +So stood the Wizard of Finance beside a pillar, the paper fluttering in +his hand, his eyes fixed, while about him a thousand eager eyes and +rushing tongues sent shame into his stricken heart. + +And there his boy Fred, sent from upstairs, found him; and at the sight +of the seething crowd and his father's stricken face, aged as it seemed +all in a moment, the boy's soul woke within him. What had happened he +could not tell, only that his father stood there, dazed, beaten, and +staring at him on every side in giant letters: + + ARREST OF THE MAN TOMLINSON + +"Come, father come upstairs," he said, and took him by the arm, +dragging him through the crowd. + +In the next half-hour as they sat and waited for the arrest in the +false grandeur of the thousand-dollar suite-Tomlinson, his wife, and +Fred-the boy learnt more than all the teaching of the industrial +faculty of Plutoria University could have taught him in a decade. +Adversity laid its hand upon him, and at its touch his adolescent heart +turned to finer stuff than the salted gold of the Erie Auriferous. As +he looked upon his father's broken figure waiting meekly for arrest, +and his mother's blubbered face, a great wrath burned itself into his +soul. + +"When the sheriff comes--" said Tomlinson, and his lip trembled as he +spoke. He had no other picture of arrest than that. + +"They can't arrest you, father," broke out the boy. "You've done +nothing. You never swindled them. I tell you, if they try to arrest +you, I'll--" and his voice broke and stopped upon a sob, and his hands +clenched in passion. + +"You stay here, you and mother. I'll go down. Give me your money and +I'll go and pay them and we'll get out of this and go home. They can't +stop us; there's nothing to arrest you for." + +Nor was there. Fred paid the bill unmolested, save for the prying eyes +and babbling tongues of the rotunda. + +And a few hours from that, while the town was still ringing with news +of his downfall, the Wizard with his wife and son walked down from +their thousand-dollar suite into the corridor, their hands burdened +with their satchels. A waiter, with something between a sneer and an +obsequious smile upon his face, reached out for the valises, wondering +if it was still worth while. + +"You get to hell out of that!" said Fred. He had put on again his rough +store suit in which he had come from Cahoga County, and there was a +dangerous look about his big shoulders and his set jaw. And the waiter +slunk back. + +So did they pass, unarrested and unhindered, through corridor and +rotunda to the outer portals of the great hotel. + +Beside the door of the Palaver as they passed out was a tall official +with a uniform and a round hat. He was called by the authorities a +_chasseur_ or a _commissionaire_, or some foreign name to mean that he +did nothing. + +At the sight of him the Wizard's face flushed for a moment, with a look +of his old perplexity. + +"I wonder," he began to murmur, "how much I ought--" + +"Not a damn cent, father," said Fred, as he shouldered past the +magnificent _chasseur_; "let him work." + +With which admirable doctrine the Wizard and his son passed from the +portals of the Grand Palaver. + + * * * * * + +Nor was there any arrest either then or later. In spite of the +expectations of the rotunda and the announcements of the _Financial +Undertone_, the "man Tomlinson" was _not_ arrested, neither as he left +the Grand Palaver nor as he stood waiting at the railroad station with +Fred and mother for the outgoing train for Cahoga County. + +There was nothing to arrest him for. That was not the least strange +part of the career of the Wizard of Finance. For when all the affairs +of the Erie Auriferous Consolidated were presently calculated up by the +labours of Skinyer and Beatem and the legal representatives of the +Orphans and the Idiots and the Deaf-mutes they resolved themselves into +the most beautiful and complete cipher conceivable. The salted gold +about paid for the cost of the incorporation certificate: the +development capital had disappeared, and those who lost most preferred +to say the least about it; and as for Tomlinson, if one added up his +gains on the stock market before the fall and subtracted his bill at +the Grand Palaver and the thousand dollars which he gave to Skinyer and +Beatem to recover his freehold on the lower half of his farm, and the +cost of three tickets to Cahoga station, the debit and credit account +balanced to a hair. + +Thus did the whole fortune of Tomlinson vanish in a night, even as the +golden palace seen in the mirage of a desert sunset may fade before the +eyes of the beholder, and leave no trace behind. + + * * * * * + +It was some months after the collapse of the Erie Auriferous that the +university conferred upon Tomlinson the degree of Doctor of Letters _in +absentia_. A university must keep its word, and Dean Elderberry Foible, +who was honesty itself, had stubbornly maintained that a vote of the +faculty of arts once taken and written in the minute book became as +irrefragable as the Devonian rock itself. + +So the degree was conferred. And Dean Elderberry Foible, standing in a +long red gown before Dr. Boomer, seated in a long blue gown, read out +after the ancient custom of the college the Latin statement of the +award of the degree of Doctor of Letters, "Eduardus Tomlinsonius, vir +clarrisimus, doctissimus, praestissimus," and a great many other things +all ending in _issimus_. + +But the recipient was not there to receive. He stood at that moment +with his boy Fred on a windy hillside beside Lake Erie, where +Tomlinson's Creek ran again untrammelled to the lake. Nor was the scene +altered to the eye, for Tomlinson and his son had long since broken a +hole in the dam with pickaxe and crowbar, and day by day the angry +water carried down the vestiges of the embankment till all were gone. +The cedar poles of the electric lights had been cut into fence-rails; +the wooden shanties of the Italian gang of Auriferous workers had been +torn down and split into fire wood; and where they had stood, the +burdocks and the thistles of the luxuriant summer conspired to hide the +traces of their shame. Nature reached out its hand and drew its +coverlet of green over the grave of the vanished Eldorado. + +And as the Wizard and his son stood upon the hillside, they saw nothing +but the land sloping to the lake and the creek murmuring again to the +willows, while the off-shore wind rippled the rushes of the shallow +water. + + + +CHAPTER FOUR: The Yahi-Bahi Oriental Society of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown + +Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown lived on Plutoria Avenue in a vast sandstone +palace, in which she held those fashionable entertainments which have +made the name of Rasselyer-Brown what it is. Mr. Rasselyer-Brown lived +there also. + +The exterior of the house was more or less a model of the facade of an +Italian palazzo of the sixteenth century. If one questioned Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown at dinner in regard to this (which was only a fair +return for drinking five dollar champagne), she answered that the +facade was _cinquecentisti_, but that it reproduced also the Saracenic +mullioned window of the Siennese School. But if the guest said later in +the evening to Mr. Rasselyer-Brown that he understood that his house +was _cinquecentisti_, he answered that he guessed it was. After which +remark and an interval of silence, Mr. Rasselyer-Brown would probably +ask the guest if he was dry. + +So from that one can tell exactly the sort of people the +Rasselyer-Browns were. + +In other words, Mr. Rasselyer-Brown was a severe handicap to Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown. He was more than that; the word isn't strong enough. +He was, as Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown herself confessed to her confidential +circle of three hundred friends, a drag. He was also a tie, and a +weight, and a burden, and in Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's religious moments a +crucifix. Even in the early years of their married life, some twenty or +twenty-five years ago, her husband had been a drag on her by being in +the coal and wood business. It is hard for a woman to have to realize +that her husband is making a fortune out of coal and wood and that +people know it. It ties one down. What a woman wants most of all--this, +of course, is merely a quotation from Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's own +thoughts as expressed to her three hundred friends--is room to expand, +to grow. The hardest thing in the world is to be stifled: and there is +nothing more stifling than a husband who doesn't know a Giotto from a +Carlo Dolci, but who can distinguish nut coal from egg and is never +asked to dinner without talking about the furnace. + +These, of course, were early trials. They had passed to some extent, or +were, at any rate, garlanded with the roses of time. + +But the drag remained. + +Even when the retail coal and wood stage was long since over, it was +hard to have to put up with a husband who owned a coal mine and who +bought pulp forests instead of illuminated missals of the twelfth +century. A coal mine is a dreadful thing at a dinner-table. It humbles +one so before one's guests. + +It wouldn't have been so bad--this Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown herself +admitted--if Mr. Rasselyer-Brown _did_ anything. This phrase should be +clearly understood. It meant if there was any one thing that he _did_. +For instance if he had only _collected_ anything. Thus, there was Mr. +Lucullus Fyshe, who made soda-water, but at the same time everybody +knew that he had the best collection of broken Italian furniture on the +continent; there wasn't a sound piece among the lot. + +And there was the similar example of old Mr. Feathertop. He didn't +exactly _collect_ things; he repudiated the name. He was wont to say, +"Don't call me a collector, I'm _not_. I simply pick things up. Just +where I happen to be, Rome, Warsaw, Bucharest, anywhere"--and it is to +be noted what fine places these are to happen to be. And to think that +Mr. Rasselyer-Brown would never put his foot outside of the United +States! Whereas Mr. Feathertop would come back from what he called a +run to Europe, and everybody would learn in a week that he had picked +up the back of a violin in Dresden (actually discovered it in a violin +shop), and the lid of an Etruscan kettle (he had lighted on it, by pure +chance, in a kettle shop in Etruria), and Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown would +feel faint with despair at the nonentity of her husband. + +So one can understand how heavy her burden was. + +"My dear," she often said to her bosom friend, Miss Snagg, "I shouldn't +mind things so much" (the things she wouldn't mind were, let us say, +the two million dollars of standing timber which Brown Limited, the +ominous business name of Mr. Rasselyer-Brown, were buying that year) +"if Mr. Rasselyer-Brown _did_ anything. But he does _nothing_. Every +morning after breakfast off to his wretched office, and never back till +dinner, and in the evening nothing but his club, or some business +meeting. One would think he would have more ambition. How I wish I had +been a man." + +It was certainly a shame. + +So it came that, in almost everything she undertook Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown had to act without the least help from her husband. +Every Wednesday, for instance, when the Dante Club met at her house +(they selected four lines each week to meditate on, and then discussed +them at lunch), Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown had to carry the whole burden of +it--her very phrase, "the whole burden"--alone. Anyone who has carried +four lines of Dante through a Moselle lunch knows what a weight it is. + +In all these things her husband was useless, quite useless. It is not +right to be ashamed of one's husband. And to do her justice, Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown always explained to her three hundred intimates that +she was _not_ ashamed of him; in fact, that she _refused_ to be. But it +was hard to see him brought into comparison at their own table with +superior men. Put him, for instance, beside Mr. Sikleigh Snoop, the +sex-poet, and where was he? Nowhere. He couldn't even understand what +Mr. Snoop was saying. And when Mr. Snoop would stand on the hearth-rug +with a cup of tea balanced in his hand, and discuss whether sex was or +was not the dominant note in Botticelli, Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown would be +skulking in a corner in his ill-fitting dress suit. His wife would +often catch with an agonized ear such scraps of talk as, "When I was +first in the coal and wood business," or, "It's a coal that burns +quicker than egg, but it hasn't the heating power of nut," or even in a +low undertone the words, "If you're feeling _dry_ while he's reading--" +And this at a time when everybody in the room ought to have been +listening to Mr. Snoop. + +Nor was even this the whole burden of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. There was +another part of it which was perhaps more _real_, though Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown herself never put it into words. In fact, of this part +of her burden she never spoke, even to her bosom friend Miss Snagg; nor +did she talk about it to the ladies of the Dante Club, nor did she make +speeches on it to the members of the Women's Afternoon Art Society, nor +to the Monday Bridge Club. + +But the members of the Bridge Club and the Art Society and the Dante +Club all talked about it among themselves. + +Stated very simply, it was this: Mr. Rasselyer-Brown drank. It was not +meant that he was a drunkard or that he drank too much, or anything of +that sort. He drank. That was all. + +There was no excess about it. Mr. Rasselyer-Brown, of course, began the +day with an eye-opener--and after all, what alert man does not wish his +eyes well open in the morning? He followed it usually just before +breakfast with a bracer--and what wiser precaution can a businessman +take than to brace his breakfast? On his way to business he generally +had his motor stopped at the Grand Palaver for a moment, if it was a +raw day, and dropped in and took something to keep out the damp. If it +was a cold day he took something to keep out the cold, and if it was +one of those clear, sunny days that are so dangerous to the system he +took whatever the bartender (a recognized health expert) suggested to +tone the system up. After which he could sit down in his office and +transact more business, and bigger business, in coal, charcoal, wood, +pulp, pulpwood, and woodpulp, in two hours than any other man in the +business could in a week. Naturally so. For he was braced, and propped, +and toned up, and his eyes had been opened, and his brain cleared, till +outside of very big business, indeed, few men were on a footing with +him. + +In fact, it was business itself which had compelled Mr. Rasselyer-Brown +to drink. It is all very well for a junior clerk on twenty dollars a +week to do his work on sandwiches and malted milk. In big business it +is not possible. When a man begins to rise in business, as Mr. +Rasselyer-Brown had begun twenty-five years ago, he finds that if he +wants to succeed he must cut malted milk clear out. In any position of +responsibility a man has got to drink. No really big deal can be put +through without it. If two keen men, sharp as flint, get together to +make a deal in which each intends to outdo the other, the only way to +succeed is for them to adjourn to some such place as the luncheon-room +of the Mausoleum Club and both get partially drunk. This is what is +called the personal element in business. And, beside it, plodding +industry is nowhere. + +Most of all do these principles hold true in such manly out-of-door +enterprises as the forest and timber business, where one deals +constantly with chief rangers, and pathfinders, and wood-stalkers, +whose very names seem to suggest a horn of whiskey under a hemlock tree. + +But--let it be repeated and carefully understood--there was no excess +about Mr. Rasselyer-Brown's drinking. Indeed, whatever he might be +compelled to take during the day, and at the Mausoleum Club in the +evening, after his return from his club at night Mr. Rasselyer-Brown +made it a fixed rule to take nothing. He might, perhaps, as he passed +into the house, step into the dining-room and take a very small drink +at the sideboard. But this he counted as part of the return itself, and +not after it. And he might, if his brain were over-fatigued, drop down +later in the night in his pajamas and dressing-gown when the house was +quiet, and compose his mind with a brandy and water, or something +suitable to the stillness of the hour. But this was not really a drink. +Mr. Rasselyer-Brown called it a _nip_; and of course any man may need a +_nip_ at a time when he would scorn a drink. + + * * * * * + +But after all, a woman may find herself again in her daughter. There, +at least, is consolation. For, as Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown herself +admitted, her daughter, Dulphemia, was herself again. There were, of +course, differences, certain differences of face and appearance. Mr. +Snoop had expressed this fact exquisitely when he said that it was the +difference between a Burne-Jones and a Dante Gabriel Rossetti. But even +at that the mother and daughter were so alike that people, certain +people, were constantly mistaking them on the street. And as everybody +that mistook them was apt to be asked to dine on five-dollar champagne +there was plenty of temptation towards error. + +There is no doubt that Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown was a girl of +remarkable character and intellect. So is any girl who has beautiful +golden hair parted in thick bands on her forehead, and deep blue eyes +soft as an Italian sky. + +Even the oldest and most serious men in town admitted that in talking +to her they were aware of a grasp, a reach, a depth that surprised +them. Thus old Judge Longerstill, who talked to her at dinner for an +hour on the jurisdiction of the Interstate Commerce Commission, felt +sure from the way in which she looked up in his face at intervals and +said, "How interesting!" that she had the mind of a lawyer. And Mr. +Brace, the consulting engineer, who showed her on the table-cloth at +dessert with three forks and a spoon the method in which the overflow +of the spillway of the Gatun Dam is regulated, felt assured, from the +way she leaned her face on her hand sideways and said, "How +extraordinary!" that she had the brain of an engineer. Similarly +foreign visitors to the social circles of the city were delighted with +her. Viscount FitzThistle, who explained to Dulphemia for half an hour +the intricacies of the Irish situation, was captivated at the quick +grasp she showed by asking him at the end, without a second's +hesitation, "And which are the Nationalists?" + +This kind of thing represents female intellect in its best form. Every +man that is really a man is willing to recognize it at once. As to the +young men, of course they flocked to the Rasselyer-Brown residence in +shoals. There were batches of them every Sunday afternoon at five +o'clock, encased in long black frock-coats, sitting very rigidly in +upright chairs, trying to drink tea with one hand. One might see +athletic young college men of the football team trying hard to talk +about Italian music; and Italian tenors from the Grand Opera doing +their best to talk about college football. There were young men in +business talking about art, and young men in art talking about +religion, and young clergymen talking about business. Because, of +course, the Rasselyer-Brown residence was the kind of cultivated home +where people of education and taste are at liberty to talk about things +they don't know, and to utter freely ideas that they haven't got. It +was only now and again, when one of the professors from the college +across the avenue came booming into the room, that the whole +conversation was pulverized into dust under the hammer of accurate +knowledge. + +The whole process was what was called, by those who understood such +things, a _salon_. Many people said that Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's +afternoons at home were exactly like the delightful _salons_ of the +eighteenth century: and whether the gatherings were or were not +_salons_ of the eighteenth century, there is no doubt that Mr. +Rasselyer-Brown, under whose care certain favoured guests dropped +quietly into the back alcove of the dining-room, did his best to put +the gathering on a par with the best saloons of the twentieth. + +Now it so happened that there had come a singularly slack moment in the +social life of the City. The Grand Opera had sung itself into a huge +deficit and closed. There remained nothing of it except the efforts of +a committee of ladies to raise enough money to enable Signor Puffi to +leave town, and the generous attempt of another committee to gather +funds in order to keep Signor Pasti in the City. Beyond this, opera was +dead, though the fact that the deficit was nearly twice as large as it +had been the year before showed that public interest in music was +increasing. It was indeed a singularly trying time of the year. It was +too early to go to Europe; and too late to go to Bermuda. It was too +warm to go south, and yet still too cold to go north. In fact, one was +almost compelled to stay at home--which was dreadful. + +As a result Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown and her three hundred friends moved +backwards and forwards on Plutoria Avenue, seeking novelty in vain. +They washed in waves of silk from tango teas to bridge afternoons. They +poured in liquid avalanches of colour into crowded receptions, and they +sat in glittering rows and listened to lectures on the enfranchisement +of the female sex. But for the moment all was weariness. + +Now it happened, whether by accident or design, that just at this +moment of general _ennui_ Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown and her three hundred +friends first heard of the presence in the city of Mr. Yahi-Bahi, the +celebrated Oriental mystic. He was so celebrated that nobody even +thought of asking who he was or where he came from. They merely told +one another, and repeated it, that he was _the_ celebrated Yahi-Bahi. +They added for those who needed the knowledge that the name was +pronounced Yahhy-Bahhy, and that the doctrine taught by Mr. Yahi-Bahi +was Boohooism. This latter, if anyone inquired further, was explained +to be a form of Shoodooism, only rather more intense. In fact, it was +esoteric--on receipt of which information everybody remarked at once +how infinitely superior the Oriental peoples are to ourselves. + +Now as Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown was always a leader in everything that was +done in the best circles on Plutoria Avenue, she was naturally among +the first to visit Mr. Yahi-Bahi. + +"My dear," she said, in describing afterwards her experience to her +bosom friend, Miss Snagg, "it was _most_ interesting. We drove away +down to the queerest part of the City, and went to the strangest little +house imaginable, up the narrowest stairs one ever saw--quite Eastern, +in fact, just like a scene out of the Koran." + +"How fascinating!" said Miss Snagg. But as a matter of fact, if Mr. +Yahi-Bahi's house had been inhabited, as it might have been, by a +streetcar conductor or a railway brakesman, Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown +wouldn't have thought it in any way peculiar or fascinating. + +"It was all hung with curtains inside," she went on, "with figures of +snakes and Indian gods, perfectly weird." + +"And did you see Mr. Yahi-Bahi?" asked Miss Snagg. + +"Oh no, my dear. I only saw his assistant Mr. Ram Spudd; such a queer +little round man, a Bengalee, I believe. He put his back against a +curtain and spread out his arms sideways and wouldn't let me pass. He +said that Mr. Yahi-Bahi was in meditation and mustn't be disturbed." + +"How delightful!" echoed Miss Snagg. + +But in reality Mr. Yahi-Bahi was sitting behind the curtain eating a +ten-cent can of pork and beans. + +"What I like most about eastern people," went on Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown, +"is their wonderful delicacy of feeling. After I had explained about my +invitation to Mr. Yahi-Bahi to come and speak to us on Boohooism, and +was going away, I took a dollar bill out of my purse and laid it on the +table. You should have seen the way Mr. Ram Spudd took it. He made the +deepest salaam and said, 'Isis guard you, beautiful lady.' Such perfect +courtesy, and yet with the air of scorning the money. As I passed out I +couldn't help slipping another dollar into his hand, and he took it as +if utterly unaware of it, and muttered, 'Osiris keep you, O flower of +women!' And as I got into the motor I gave him another dollar and he +said, 'Osis and Osiris both prolong your existence, O lily of the +ricefield,' and after he had said it he stood beside the door of the +motor and waited without moving till I left. He had such a strange, +rapt look, as if he were still expecting something!" + +"How exquisite!" murmured Miss Snagg. It was her business in life to +murmur such things as this for Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. On the whole, +reckoning Grand Opera tickets and dinners, she did very well out of it. + +"Is it not?" said Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. "So different from our men. I +felt so ashamed of my chauffeur, our new man, you know; he seemed such +a contrast beside Ram Spudd. The rude way in which the opened the door, +and the rude way in which he climbed on to his own seat, and the +_rudeness_ with which he turned on the power--I felt positively +ashamed. And he so managed it--I am sure he did it on purpose--that the +car splashed a lot of mud over Mr. Spudd as it started." + +Yet, oddly enough, the opinion of other people on this new chauffeur, +that of Miss Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown herself, for example, to whose +service he was specially attached, was very different. + +The great recommendation of him in the eyes of Miss Dulphemia and her +friends, and the thing that gave him a touch of mystery was--and what +higher qualification can a chauffeur want?--that he didn't look like a +chauffeur at all. + +"My dear Dulphie," whispered Miss Philippa Furlong, the rector's sister +(who was at that moment Dulphemia's second self), as they sat behind +the new chauffeur, "don't tell me that he is a chauffeur, because he +_isn't_. He can chauffe, of course, but that's nothing." + +For the new chauffeur had a bronzed face, hard as metal, and a stern +eye; and when he put on a chauffeur's overcoat some how it seemed to +turn into a military greatcoat; and even when he put on the round cloth +cap of his profession it was converted straightway into a military +shako. And by Miss Dulphemia and her friends it was presently +reported--or was invented?--that he had served in the Philippines; +which explained at once the scar upon his forehead, which must have +been received at Iloilo, or Huila-Huila, or some other suitable place. + +But what affected Miss Dulphemia Brown herself was the splendid +rudeness of the chauffeur's manner. It was so different from that of +the young men of the _salon_. Thus, when Mr. Sikleigh Snoop handed her +into the car at any time he would dance about saying, "Allow me," and +"Permit me," and would dive forward to arrange the robes. But the +Philippine chauffeur merely swung the door open and said to Dulphemia, +"Get in," and then slammed it. + +This, of course, sent a thrill up the spine and through the imagination +of Miss Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown, because it showed that the chauffeur +was a gentleman in disguise. She thought it very probable that he was a +British nobleman, a younger son, very wild, of a ducal family; and she +had her own theories as to why he had entered the service of the +Rasselyer-Browns. To be quite candid about it, she expected that the +Philippine chauffeur meant to elope with her, and every time he drove +her from a dinner or a dance she sat back luxuriously, wishing and +expecting the elopement to begin. + + * * * * * + +But for the time being the interest of Dulphemia, as of everybody else +that was anybody at all, centred round Mr. Yahi-Bahi and the new cult +of Boohooism. + +After the visit of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown a great number of ladies, also +in motors, drove down to the house of Mr. Yahi-Bahi. And all of them, +whether they saw Mr. Yahi-Bahi himself or his Bengalee assistant, Mr. +Ram Spudd, came back delighted. + +"Such exquisite tact!" said one. "Such delicacy! As I was about to go I +laid a five dollar gold piece on the edge of the little table. Mr. +Spudd scarcely seemed to see it. He murmured, 'Osiris help you!' and +pointed to the ceiling. I raised my eyes instinctively, and when I +lowered them the money had disappeared. I think he must have caused it +to vanish." + +"Oh, I'm sure he did," said the listener. + +Others came back with wonderful stories of Mr. Yahi-Bahi's occult +powers, especially his marvellous gift of reading the future. + +Mrs. Buncomhearst, who had just lost her third husband--by divorce--had +received from Mr. Yahi-Bahi a glimpse into the future that was almost +uncanny in its exactness. She had asked for a divination, and Mr. +Yahi-Bahi had effected one by causing her to lay six ten-dollar pieces +on the table arranged in the form of a mystic serpent. Over these he +had bent and peered deeply, as if seeking to unravel their meaning, and +finally he had given her the prophecy, "Many things are yet to happen +before others begin." + +"How _does_ he do it?" asked everybody. + + * * * * * + +As a result of all this it naturally came about that Mr. Yahi-Bahi and +Mr. Ram Spudd were invited to appear at the residence of Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown; and it was understood that steps would be taken to +form a special society, to be known as the Yahi-Bahi Oriental Society. + +Mr. Sikleigh Snoop, the sex-poet, was the leading spirit in the +organization. He had a special fitness for the task: he had actually +resided in India. In fact, he had spent six weeks there on a stop-over +ticket of a round-the-world 635 dollar steamship pilgrimage; and he +knew the whole country from Jehumbapore in Bhootal to Jehumbalabad in +the Carnatic. So he was looked upon as a great authority on India, +China, Mongolia, and all such places, by the ladies of Plutoria Avenue. + +Next in importance was Mrs. Buncomhearst, who became later, by a +perfectly natural process, the president of the society. She was +already president of the Daughters of the Revolution, a society +confined exclusively to the descendants of Washington's officers and +others; she was also president of the Sisters of England, an +organization limited exclusively to women born in England and +elsewhere; of the Daughters of Kossuth, made up solely of Hungarians +and friends of Hungary and other nations; and of the Circle of Franz +Joseph, which was composed exclusively of the partisans, and others, of +Austria. In fact, ever since she had lost her third husband, Mrs. +Buncomhearst had thrown herself--that was her phrase--into outside +activities. Her one wish was, on her own statement, to lose herself. So +very naturally Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown looked at once to Mrs. Buncomhearst +to preside over the meetings of the new society. + + * * * * * + +The large dining-room at the Rasselyer-Browns' had been cleared out as +a sort of auditorium, and in it some fifty or sixty of Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown's more intimate friends had gathered. The whole meeting +was composed of ladies, except for the presence of one or two men who +represented special cases. There was, of course, little Mr. Spillikins, +with his vacuous face and football hair, who was there, as everybody +knew, on account of Dulphemia; and there was old Judge Longerstill, who +sat leaning on a gold-headed stick with his head sideways, trying to +hear some fraction of what was being said. He came to the gathering in +the hope that it would prove a likely place for seconding a vote of +thanks and saying a few words--half an hour's talk, perhaps--on the +constitution of the United States. Failing that, he felt sure that at +least someone would call him "this eminent old gentleman," and even +that was better than staying at home. + +But for the most part the audience was composed of women, and they sat +in a little buzz of conversation waiting for Mr. Yahi-Bahi. + +"I wonder," called Mrs. Buncomhearst from the chair, "if some lady +would be good enough to write minutes? Miss Snagg, I wonder if you +would be kind enough to write minutes? Could you?" + +"I shall be delighted," said Miss Snagg, "but I'm afraid there's hardly +time to write them before we begin, is there?" + +"Oh, but it would be all right to write them _afterwards_," chorussed +several ladies who understood such things; "it's quite often done that +way." + +"And I should like to move that we vote a constitution," said a stout +lady with a double eye-glass. + +"Is that carried?" said Mrs. Buncomhearst. "All those in favour please +signify." + +Nobody stirred. + +"Carried," said the president. "And perhaps you would be good enough, +Mrs. Fyshe," she said, turning towards the stout lady, "to _write_ the +constitution." + +"Do you think it necessary to _write_ it?" said Mrs. Fyshe. "I should +like to move, if I may, that I almost wonder whether it is necessary to +write the constitution--unless, of course, anybody thinks that we +really ought to." + +"Ladies," said the president, "you have heard the motion. All those +against it--" + +There was no sign. + +"All those in favour of it--" + +There was still no sign. + +"Lost," she said. + +Then, looking across at the clock on the mantel-piece, and realizing +that Mr. Yahi-Bahi must have been delayed and that something must be +done, she said: + +"And now, ladies, as we have in our midst a most eminent gentleman who +probably has thought more deeply about constitutions than--" + +All eyes turned at once towards Judge Longerstill, but as fortune had +it at this very moment Mr. Sikleigh Snoop entered, followed by Mr. +Yahi-Bahi and Mr. Ram Spudd. + +Mr. Yahi-Bahi was tall. His drooping Oriental costume made him taller +still. He had a long brown face and liquid brown eyes of such depth +that when he turned them full upon the ladies before him a shiver of +interest and apprehension followed in the track of his glance. + +"My dear," said Miss Snagg afterwards, "he seemed simply to see right +through us." + +This was correct. He did. + +Mr. Ram Spudd presented a contrast to his superior. He was short and +round, with a dimpled mahogany face and eyes that twinkled in it like +little puddles of molasses. His head was bound in a turban and his body +was swathed in so many bands and sashes that he looked almost circular. +The clothes of both Mr. Yahi-Bahi and Ram Spudd were covered with the +mystic signs of Buddha and the seven serpents of Vishnu. + +It was impossible, of course, for Mr. Yahi-Bahi or Mr. Ram Spudd to +address the audience. Their knowledge of English was known to be too +slight for that. Their communications were expressed entirely through +the medium of Mr. Snoop, and even he explained afterwards that it was +very difficult. The only languages of India which he was able to speak, +he said, with any fluency were Gargamic and Gumaic both of these being +old Dravidian dialects with only two hundred and three words in each, +and hence in themselves very difficult to converse in. Mr. Yahi-Bahi +answered in what Mr. Snoop understood to be the Iramic of the Vedas, a +very rich language, but one which unfortunately he did not understand. +The dilemma is one familiar to all Oriental scholars. + +All of this Mr. Snoop explained in the opening speech which he +proceeded to make. And after this he went on to disclose, amid deep +interest, the general nature of the cult of Boohooism. He said that +they could best understand it if he told them that its central doctrine +was that of Bahee. Indeed, the first aim of all followers of the cult +was to attain to Bahee. Anybody who could spend a certain number of +hours each day, say sixteen, in silent meditation on Boohooism would +find his mind gradually reaching a condition of Bahee. The chief aim of +Bahee itself was sacrifice: a true follower of the cult must be willing +to sacrifice his friends, or his relatives, and even strangers, in +order to reach Bahee. In this way one was able fully to realize oneself +and enter into the Higher Indifference. Beyond this, further meditation +and fasting--by which was meant living solely on fish, fruit, wine, and +meat--one presently attained to complete Swaraj or Control of Self, and +might in time pass into the absolute Nirvana, or the Negation of +Emptiness, the supreme goal of Boohooism. + +As a first step to all this, Mr. Snoop explained, each neophyte or +candidate for holiness must, after searching his own heart, send ten +dollars to Mr. Yahi-Bahi. Gold, it appeared, was recognized in the cult +of Boohooism as typifying the three chief virtues, whereas silver or +paper money did not; even national banknotes were only regarded as do +or, a halfway palliation; and outside currencies such as Canadian or +Mexican bills were looked upon as entirely boo, or contemptible. The +Oriental view of money, said Mr. Snoop, was far superior to our own, +but it also might be attained by deep thought, and, as a beginning, by +sending ten dollars to Mr. Yahi-Bahi. + +After this Mr. Snoop, in conclusion, read a very beautiful Hindu poem, +translating it as he went along. It began, "O cow, standing beside the +Ganges, and apparently without visible occupation," and it was voted +exquisite by all who heard it. The absence of rhyme and the entire +removal of ideas marked it as far beyond anything reached as yet by +Occidental culture. + +When Mr. Snoop had concluded, the president called upon Judge +Longerstill for a few words of thanks, which he gave, followed by a +brief talk on the constitution of the United States. + +After this the society was declared constituted, Mr. Yahi-Bahi made +four salaams, one to each point of the compass, and the meeting +dispersed. + +And that evening, over fifty dinner tables, everybody discussed the +nature of Bahee, and tried in vain to explain it to men too stupid to +understand. + + * * * * * + +Now it so happened that on the very afternoon of this meeting at Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown's, the Philippine chauffeur did a strange and peculiar +thing. He first asked Mr. Rasselyer-Brown for a few hours' leave of +absence to attend the funeral of his mother in-law. This was a request +which Mr. Rasselyer-Brown, on principle, never refused to a man-servant. + +Whereupon, the Philippine chauffeur, no longer attired as one, visited +the residence of Mr. Yahi-Bahi. He let himself in with a marvellous +little key which he produced from a very wonderful bunch of such. He +was in the house for nearly half an hour, and when he emerged, the +notebook in his breast pocket, had there been an eye to read it, would +have been seen to be filled with stranger details in regard to Oriental +mysticism than even Mr. Yahi-Bahi had given to the world. So strange +were they that before the Philippine chauffeur returned to the +Rasselyer-Brown residence he telegraphed certain and sundry parts of +them to New York. But why he should have addressed them to the head of +a detective bureau instead of to a college of Oriental research it +passes the imagination to conceive. But as the chauffeur duly +reappeared at motor-time in the evening the incident passed unnoticed. + + * * * * * + +It is beyond the scope of the present narrative to trace the progress +of Boohooism during the splendid but brief career of the Yahi-Bahi +Oriental Society. There could be no doubt of its success. Its +principles appealed with great strength to all the more cultivated +among the ladies of Plutoria Avenue. There was something in the +Oriental mysticism of its doctrines which rendered previous belief +stale and puerile. The practice of the sacred rites began at once. The +ladies' counters of the Plutorian banks were inundated with requests +for ten-dollar pieces in exchange for banknotes. At dinner in the best +houses nothing was eaten except a thin soup (or bru), followed by fish, +succeeded by meat or by game, especially such birds as are particularly +pleasing to Buddha, as the partridge, the pheasant, and the woodcock. +After this, except for fruits and wine, the principle of Swaraj, or +denial of self, was rigidly imposed. Special Oriental dinners of this +sort were given, followed by listening to the reading of Oriental +poetry, with closed eyes and with the mind as far as possible in a +state of Stoj, or Negation of Thought. + +By this means the general doctrine of Boohooism spread rapidly. Indeed, +a great many of the members of the society soon attained to a stage of +Bahee, or the Higher Indifference, that it would have been hard to +equal outside of Juggapore or Jumbumbabad. For example, when Mrs. +Buncomhearst learned of the remarriage of her second husband--she had +lost him three years before, owing to a difference of opinion on the +emancipation of women--she showed the most complete Bahee possible. And +when Miss Snagg learned that her brother in Venezuela had died--a very +sudden death brought on by drinking rum for seventeen years--and had +left her ten thousand dollars, the Bahee which she exhibited almost +amounted to Nirvana. + +In fact, the very general dissemination of the Oriental idea became +more and more noticeable with each week that passed. Some members +attained to so complete a Bahee, or Higher Indifference, that they even +ceased to attend the meetings of the society; others reached a Swaraj, +or Control of Self, so great that they no longer read its pamphlets; +while others again actually passed into Nirvana, to a Complete Negation +of Self, so rapidly that they did not even pay their subscriptions. + +But features of this sort, of course, are familiar wherever a +successful occult creed makes its way against the prejudices of the +multitude. + +The really notable part of the whole experience was the marvellous +demonstration of occult power which attended the final seance of the +society, the true nature of which is still wrapped in mystery. + +For some weeks it had been rumoured that a very special feat or +demonstration of power by Mr. Yahi-Bahi was under contemplation. In +fact, the rapid spread of Swaraj and of Nirvana among the members +rendered such a feat highly desirable. Just what form the demonstration +would take was for some time a matter of doubt. It was whispered at +first that Mr. Yahi-Bahi would attempt the mysterious eastern rite of +burying Ram Spudd alive in the garden of the Rasselyer-Brown residence +and leaving him there in a state of Stoj, or Suspended Inanition, for +eight days. But this project was abandoned, owing to some doubt, +apparently, in the mind of Mr. Ram Spudd as to his astral fitness for +the high state of Stoj necessitated by the experiment. + +At last it became known to the members of the Poosh, or Inner Circle, +under the seal of confidence, that Mr. Yahi-Bahi would attempt nothing +less than the supreme feat of occultism, namely, a reincarnation, or +more correctly a reastralization of Buddha. + +The members of the Inner Circle shivered with a luxurious sense of +mystery when they heard of it. + +"Has it ever been done before?" they asked of Mr. Snoop. + +"Only a few times," he said; "once, I believe, by Jam-bum, the famous +Yogi of the Carnatic; once, perhaps twice, by Boohoo, the founder of +the sect. But it is looked upon as extremely rare. Mr. Yahi tells me +that the great danger is that, if the slightest part of the formula is +incorrectly observed, the person attempting the astralization is +swallowed up into nothingness. However, he declares himself willing to +try." + + * * * * * + +The seance was to take place at Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's residence, and +was to be at midnight. + +"At midnight!" said each member in surprise. And the answer was, "Yes, +at midnight. You see, midnight here is exactly midday in Allahabad in +India." + +This explanation was, of course, ample. "Midnight," repeated everybody +to everybody else, "is exactly midday in Allahabad." That made things +perfectly clear. Whereas if midnight had been midday in Timbuctoo the +whole situation would have been different. + +Each of the ladies was requested to bring to the seance some ornament +of gold; but it must be plain gold, without any setting of stones. + +It was known already that, according to the cult of Boohooism, gold, +plain gold, is the seat of the three virtues--beauty, wisdom and grace. +Therefore, according to the creed of Boohooism, anyone who has enough +gold, plain gold, is endowed with these virtues and is all right. All +that is needed is to have enough of it; the virtues follow as a +consequence. + +But for the great experiment the gold used must not be set with stones, +with the one exception of rubies, which are known to be endowed with +the three attributes of Hindu worship, modesty, loquacity, and +pomposity. + +In the present case it was found that as a number of ladies had nothing +but gold ornaments set with diamonds, a second exception was made; +especially as Mr. Yahi-Bahi, on appeal, decided that diamonds, though +less pleasing to Buddha than rubies, possessed the secondary Hindu +virtues of divisibility, movability, and disposability. + +On the evening in question the residence of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown might +have been observed at midnight wrapped in utter darkness. No lights +were shown. A single taper, brought by Ram Spudd from the Taj Mohal, +and resembling in its outer texture those sold at the five-and-ten +store near Mr. Spudd's residence, burned on a small table in the vast +dining-room. The servants had been sent upstairs and expressly enjoined +to retire at half past ten. Moreover, Mr. Rasselyer-Brown had had to +attend that evening, at the Mausoleum Club, a meeting of the trustees +of the Church of St. Asaph, and he had come home at eleven o'clock, as +he always did after diocesan work of this sort, quite used up; in fact, +so fatigued that he had gone upstairs to his own suite of rooms +sideways, his knees bending under him. So utterly used up was he with +his church work that, as far as any interest in what might be going on +in his own residence, he had attained to a state of Bahee, or Higher +Indifference, that even Buddha might have envied. + +The guests, as had been arranged, arrived noiselessly and on foot. All +motors were left at least a block away. They made their way up the +steps of the darkened house, and were admitted without ringing, the +door opening silently in front of them. Mr. Yahi-Bahi and Mr. Ram +Spudd, who had arrived on foot carrying a large parcel, were already +there, and were behind a screen in the darkened room, reported to be in +meditation. + +At a whispered word from Mr. Snoop, who did duty at the door, all furs +and wraps were discarded in the hall and laid in a pile. Then the +guests passed silently into the great dining room. There was no light +in it except the dim taper which stood on a little table. On this table +each guest, as instructed, laid an ornament of gold, and at the same +time was uttered in a low voice the word Ksvoo. This means, "O Buddha, +I herewith lay my unworthy offering at thy feet; take it and keep it +for ever." It was explained that this was only a form. + + * * * * * + +"What is he doing?" whispered the assembled guests as they saw Mr. +Yahi-Bahi pass across the darkened room and stand in front of the +sideboard. + +"Hush!" said Mr. Snoop; "he's laying the propitiatory offering for +Buddha." + +"It's an Indian rite," whispered Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. + +Mr. Yahi-Bahi could be seen dimly moving to and fro in front of the +sideboard. There was a faint clinking of glass. + +"He has to set out a glass of Burmese brandy, powdered over with nutmeg +and aromatics," whispered Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown. "I had the greatest +hunt to get it all for him. He said that nothing but Burmese brandy +would do, because in the Hindu religion the god can only be invoked +with Burmese brandy, or, failing that, Hennessy's with three stars, +which is not entirely displeasing to Buddha." + +"The aromatics," whispered Mr. Snoop, "are supposed to waft a perfume +or incense to reach the nostrils of the god. The glass of propitiatory +wine and the aromatic spices are mentioned in the Vishnu-Buddayat." + +Mr. Yahi-Bahi, his preparations completed, was now seen to stand in +front of the sideboard bowing deeply four times in an Oriental salaam. +The light of the single taper had by this time burned so dim that his +movements were vague and uncertain. His body cast great flickering +shadows on the half-seen wall. From his throat there issued a low wail +in which the word wah! wah! could be distinguished. + +The excitement was intense. + +"What does wah mean?" whispered Mr. Spillikins. + +"Hush!" said Mr. Snoop; "it means, 'O Buddha, wherever thou art in thy +lofty Nirvana, descend yet once in astral form before our eyes!'" + +Mr. Yahi-Bahi rose. He was seen to place one finger on his lips and +then, silently moving across the room, he disappeared behind the +screen. Of what Mr. Ram Spudd was doing during this period there is no +record. It was presumed that he was still praying. + +The stillness was now absolute. + +"We must wait in perfect silence," whispered Mr. Snoop from the extreme +tips of his lips. + +Everybody sat in strained intensity, silent, looking towards the vague +outline of the sideboard. + +The minutes passed. No one moved. All were spellbound in expectancy. + +Still the minutes passed. The taper had flickered down till the great +room was almost in darkness. + +Could it be that by some neglect in the preparations, the substitution +perhaps of the wrong brandy, the astralization could not be effected? + +But no. + +Quite suddenly, it seemed, everybody in the darkened room was aware of +a _presence_. That was the word as afterwards repeated in a hundred +confidential discussions. A _presence_. One couldn't call it a body. It +wasn't. It was a figure, an astral form, a presence. + +"Buddha!" they gasped as they looked at it. + +Just how the figure entered the room, the spectators could never +afterwards agree. Some thought it appeared through the wall, +deliberately astralizing itself as it passed through the bricks. Others +seemed to have seen it pass in at the farther door of the room, as if +it had astralized itself at the foot of the stairs in the back of the +hall outside. + +Be that as it may, there it stood before them, the astralized shape of +the Indian deity, so that to every lip there rose the half-articulated +word, "Buddha"; or at least to every lip except that of Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown. From her there came no sound. + +The figure as afterwards described was attired in a long _shirak_, such +as is worn by the Grand Llama of Tibet, and resembling, if the +comparison were not profane, a modern dressing-gown. The legs, if one +might so call them, of the apparition were enwrapped in loose +punjahamas, a word which is said to be the origin of the modern +pyjamas; while the feet, if they were feet, were encased in loose +slippers. + +Buddha moved slowly across the room. Arrived at the sideboard the +astral figure paused, and even in the uncertain light Buddha was seen +to raise and drink the propitiatory offering. That much was perfectly +clear. Whether Buddha spoke or not is doubtful. Certain of the +spectators thought that he said, 'Must a fagotnit', which is +Hindustanee for "Blessings on this house." To Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's +distracted mind it seemed as if Buddha said, "I must have forgotten it" +But this wild fancy she never breathed to a soul. + +Silently Buddha recrossed the room, slowly wiping one arm across his +mouth after the Hindu gesture of farewell. + +For perhaps a full minute after the disappearance of Buddha not a soul +moved. Then quite suddenly Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown, unable to stand the +tension any longer, pressed an electric switch and the whole room was +flooded with light. + +There sat the affrighted guests staring at one another with pale faces. + +But, to the amazement and horror of all, the little table in the centre +stood empty--not a single gem, not a fraction of the gold that had lain +upon it was left. All had disappeared. + +The truth seemed to burst upon everyone at once. There was no doubt of +what had happened. + +The gold and the jewels had been deastralized. Under the occult power +of the vision they had been demonetized, engulfed into the astral plane +along with the vanishing Buddha. + +Filled with the sense of horror still to come, somebody pulled aside +the little screen. They fully expected to find the lifeless bodies of +Mr. Yahi-Bahi and the faithful Ram Spudd. What they saw before them was +more dreadful still. The outer Oriental garments of the two devotees +lay strewn upon the floor. The long sash of Yahi-Bahi and the thick +turban of Ram Spudd were side by side near them; almost sickening in +its repulsive realism was the thick black head of hair of the junior +devotee, apparently torn from his scalp as if by lightning and bearing +a horrible resemblance to the cast-off wig of an actor. + +The truth was too plain. + +"They are engulfed!" cried a dozen voices at once. + +It was realized in a flash that Yahi-Bahi and Ram Spudd had paid the +penalty of their daring with their lives. Through some fatal neglect, +against which they had fairly warned the participants of the seance, +the two Orientals had been carried bodily in the astral plane. + +"How dreadful!" murmured Mr. Snoop. "We must have made some awful +error." + +"Are they deastralized?" murmured Mrs. Buncomhearst. + +"Not a doubt of it," said Mr. Snoop. + +And then another voice in the group was heard to say, "We must hush it +up. We _can't_ have it known!" + +On which a chorus of voices joined in, everybody urging that it must be +hushed up. + +"Couldn't you try to reastralize them?" said somebody to Mr. Snoop. + +"No, no," said Mr. Snoop, still shaking. "Better not try to. We must +hush it up if we can." + +And the general assent to this sentiment showed that, after all, the +principles of Bahee, or Indifference to Others, had taken a real root +in the society. + +"Hush it up," cried everybody, and there was a general move towards the +hall. + +"Good Heavens!" exclaimed Mrs. Buncomhearst; "our wraps!" + +"Deastralized!" said the guests. + +There was a moment of further consternation as everybody gazed at the +spot where the ill-fated pile of furs and wraps had lain. + +"Never mind," said everybody, "let's go without them--don't stay. Just +think if the police should--" + +And at the word police, all of a sudden there was heard in the street +the clanging of a bell and the racing gallop of the horses of the +police patrol wagon. + +"The police!" cried everybody. "Hush it up! Hush it up!" For of course +the principles of Bahee are not known to the police. + +In another moment the doorbell of the house rang with a long and +violent peal, and in a second as it seemed, the whole hall was filled +with bulky figures uniformed in blue. + +"It's all right, Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown," cried a loud, firm voice from +the sidewalk. "We have them both. Everything is here. We got them +before they'd gone a block. But if you don't mind, the police must get +a couple of names for witnesses in the warrant." + +It was the Philippine chauffeur. But he was no longer attired as such. +He wore the uniform of an inspector of police, and there was the metal +badge of the Detective Department now ostentatiously outside his coat. + +And beside him, one on each side of him, there stood the deastralized +forms of Yahi-Bahi and Ram Spudd. They wore long overcoats, doubtless +the contents of the magic parcels, and the Philippine chauffeur had a +grip of iron on the neck of each as they stood. Mr. Spudd had lost his +Oriental hair, and the face of Mr. Yahi-Bahi, perhaps in the struggle +which had taken place, had been scraped white in patches. + +They were making no attempt to break away. Indeed, Mr. Spudd, with that +complete Bahee, or Submission to Fate, which is attained only by long +services in state penitentiaries, was smiling and smoking a cigarette. + +"We were waiting for them," explained a tall police officer to the two +or three ladies who now gathered round him with a return of courage. +"They had the stuff in a hand-cart and were pushing it away. The chief +caught them at the corner, and rang the patrol from there. You'll find +everything all right, I think, ladies," he added, as a burly assistant +was seen carrying an armload of furs up the steps. + +Somehow many of the ladies realized at the moment what cheery, safe, +reliable people policemen in blue are, and what a friendly, familiar +shelter they offer against the wiles of Oriental occultism. + +"Are they old criminals?" someone asked. + +"Yes, ma'am. They've worked this same thing in four cities already, and +both of them have done time, and lots of it. They've only been out six +months. No need to worry over them," he concluded with a shrug of the +shoulders. + +So the furs were restored and the gold and the jewels parcelled out +among the owners, and in due course Mr. Yahi-Bahi and Mr. Ram Spudd +were lifted up into the patrol wagon where they seated themselves with +a composure worthy of the best traditions of Jehumbabah and +Bahoolapore. In fact, Mr. Spudd was heard to address the police as +"boys," and to remark that they had "got them good" that time. + +So the seance ended and the guests vanished, and the Yahi-Bahi Society +terminated itself without even a vote of dissolution. + +And in all the later confidential discussions of the episode only one +point of mysticism remained. After they had time really to reflect on +it, free from all danger of arrest, the members of the society realized +that on one point the police were entirely off the truth of things. For +Mr. Yahi-Bahi, whether a thief or not, and whether he came from the +Orient, or, as the police said, from Missouri, had actually succeeded +in reastralizing Buddha. + +Nor was anyone more emphatic on this point than Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown +herself. + +"For after all," she said, "if it was not Buddha, who was it?" + +And the question was never answered. + + + +CHAPTER FIVE: The Love Story of Mr. Peter Spillikins + +Almost any day, on Plutoria Avenue or thereabouts, you may see little +Mr. Spillikins out walking with his four tall sons, who are practically +as old as himself. + +To be exact, Mr. Spillikins is twenty-four, and Bob, the oldest of the +boys, must be at least twenty. Their exact ages are no longer known, +because, by a dreadful accident, their mother forgot them. This was at +a time when the boys were all at Mr. Wackem's Academy for Exceptional +Youths in the foothills of Tennessee, and while their mother, Mrs. +Everleigh, was spending the winter on the Riviera and felt that for +their own sake she must not allow herself to have the boys with her. + +But now, of course, since Mrs. Everleigh has remarried and become Mrs. +Everleigh-Spillikins there is no need to keep them at Mr. Wackem's any +longer. Mr. Spillikins is able to look after them. + +Mr. Spillikins generally wears a little top hat and an English morning +coat. The boys are in Eton jackets and black trousers, which, at their +mother's wish, are kept just a little too short for them. This is +because Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins feels that the day will come some +day--say fifteen years hence--when the boys will no longer be children, +and meantime it is so nice to feel that they are still mere boys. Bob +is the eldest, but Sib the youngest is the tallest, whereas Willie the +third boy is the dullest, although this has often been denied by those +who claim that Gib the second boy is just a trifle duller. Thus at any +rate there is a certain equality and good fellowship all round. + +Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins is not to be seen walking with them. She is +probably at the race-meet, being taken there by Captain Cormorant of +the United States navy, which Mr. Spillikins considers very handsome of +him. Every now and then the captain, being in the navy, is compelled to +be at sea for perhaps a whole afternoon or even several days; in which +case Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins is very generally taken to the Hunt Club +or the Country Club by Lieutenant Hawk, which Mr. Spillikins regards as +awfully thoughtful of him. Or if Lieutenant Hawk is also out of town +for the day, as he sometimes has to be, because he is in the United +States army, Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins is taken out by old Colonel +Shake, who is in the State militia and who is at leisure all the time. + +During their walks on Plutoria Avenue one may hear the four boys +addressing Mr. Spillikins as "father" and "dad" in deep bull-frog +voices. + +"Say, dad," drawls Bob, "couldn't we all go to the ball game?" + +"No. Say, dad," says Gib, "let's all go back to the house and play +five-cent pool in the billiard-room." + +"All right, boys," says Mr. Spillikins. And a few minutes later one may +see them all hustling up the steps of the Everleigh-Spillikins's +mansion, quite eager at the prospect, and all talking together. + + * * * * * + +Now the whole of this daily panorama, to the eye that can read it, +represents the outcome of the tangled love story of Mr. Spillikins, +which culminated during the summer houseparty at Castel Casteggio, the +woodland retreat of Mr. and Mrs. Newberry. + +But to understand the story one must turn back a year or so to the time +when Mr. Peter Spillikins used to walk on Plutoria Avenue alone, or sit +in the Mausoleum Club listening to the advice of people who told him +that he really ought to get married. + + * * * * * + +In those days the first thing that one noticed about Mr. Peter +Spillikins was his exalted view of the other sex. Every time he passed +a beautiful woman in the street he said to himself, "I say!" Even when +he met a moderately beautiful one he murmured, "By Jove!" When an +Easter hat went sailing past, or a group of summer parasols stood +talking on a leafy corner, Mr. Spillikins ejaculated, "My word!" At the +opera and at tango teas his projecting blue eyes almost popped out of +his head. + +Similarly, if he happened to be with one of his friends, he would +murmur, "I say, _do_ look at that beautiful girl," or would exclaim, "I +say, don't look, but isn't that an awfully pretty girl across the +street?" or at the opera, "Old man, don't let her see you looking, but +do you see that lovely girl in the box opposite?" + +One must add to this that Mr. Spillikins, in spite of his large and +bulging blue eyes, enjoyed the heavenly gift of short sight. As a +consequence he lived in a world of amazingly beautiful women. And as +his mind was focused in the same way as his eyes he endowed them with +all the virtues and graces which ought to adhere to fifty-dollar +flowered hats and cerise parasols with ivory handles. + +Nor, to do him justice, did Mr. Spillikins confine his attitude to his +view of women alone. He brought it to bear on everything. Every time he +went to the opera he would come away enthusiastic, saying, "By Jove, +isn't it simply splendid! Of course I haven't the ear to appreciate +it--I'm not musical, you know--but even with the little that I know, +it's great; it absolutely puts me to sleep." And of each new novel that +he bought he said, "It's a perfectly wonderful book! Of course I +haven't the head to understand it, so I didn't finish it, but it's +simply thrilling." Similarly with painting, "It's one of the most +marvellous pictures I ever saw," he would say. "Of course I've no eye +for pictures, and I couldn't see anything in it, but it's wonderful!" + +The career of Mr. Spillikins up to the point of which we are speaking +had hitherto not been very satisfactory, or at least not from the point +of view of Mr. Boulder, who was his uncle and trustee. Mr. Boulder's +first idea had been to have Mr. Spillikins attend the university. Dr. +Boomer, the president, had done his best to spread abroad the idea that +a university education was perfectly suitable even for the rich; that +it didn't follow that because a man was a university graduate he need +either work or pursue his studies any further; that what the university +aimed to do was merely to put a certain stamp upon a man. That was all. +And this stamp, according to the tenor of the president's convocation +addresses, was perfectly harmless. No one ought to be afraid of it. As +a result, a great many of the very best young men in the City, who had +no need for education at all, were beginning to attend college. "It +marked," said Dr. Boomer, "a revolution." + +Mr. Spillikins himself was fascinated with his studies. The professors +seemed to him living wonders. + +"By Jove!" he said, "the professor of mathematics is a marvel. You +ought to see him explaining trigonometry on the blackboard. You can't +understand a word of it." He hardly knew which of his studies he liked +best. "Physics," he said, "is a wonderful study. I got five per cent in +it. But, by Jove! I had to work for it. I'd go in for it altogether if +they'd let me." + +But that was just the trouble--they wouldn't. And so in course of time +Mr. Spillikins was compelled, for academic reasons, to abandon his life +work. His last words about it were, "Gad! I nearly passed in +trigonometry!" and he always said afterwards that he had got a +tremendous lot out of the university. + +After that, as he had to leave the university, his trustee, Mr. +Boulder, put Mr. Spillikins into business. It was, of course, his own +business, one of the many enterprises for which Mr. Spillikins, ever +since he was twenty-one, had already been signing documents and +countersigning cheques. So Mr. Spillikins found himself in a mahogany +office selling wholesale oil. And he liked it. He said that business +sharpened one up tremendously. + +"I'm afraid, Mr. Spillikins," a caller in the mahogany office would +say, "that we can't meet you at five dollars. Four seventy is the best +we can do on the present market." + +"My dear chap," said Mr. Spillikins, "that's all right. After all, +thirty cents isn't much, eh what? Dash it, old man, we won't fight +about thirty cents. How much do you want?" + +"Well, at four seventy we'll take twenty thousand barrels." + +"By Jove!" said Mr. Spillikins; "twenty thousand barrels. Gad! you want +a lot, don't you? Pretty big sale, eh, for a beginner like me? I guess +uncle'll be tickled to death." + +So tickled was he that after a few weeks of oil-selling Mr. Boulder +urged Mr. Spillikins to retire, and wrote off many thousand dollars +from the capital value of his estate. + +So after this there was only one thing for Mr. Spillikins to do, and +everybody told him so--namely to get married. "Spillikins," said his +friends at the club after they had taken all his loose money over the +card table, "you ought to get married." + +"Think so?" said Mr. Spillikins. + +Goodness knows he was willing enough. In fact, up to this point Mr. +Spillikins's whole existence had been one long aspiring sigh directed +towards the joys of matrimony. + +In his brief college days his timid glances had wandered by an +irresistible attraction towards the seats on the right-hand side of the +class room, where the girls of the first year sat, with golden pigtails +down their backs, doing trigonometry. + +He would have married any of them. But when a girl can work out +trigonometry at sight, what use can she possibly have for marriage? +None. Mr. Spillikins knew this and it kept him silent. And even when +the most beautiful girl in the class married the demonstrator and thus +terminated her studies in her second year, Spillikins realized that it +was only because the man was, undeniably, a demonstrator and knew +things. + +Later on, when Spillikins went into business and into society, the same +fate pursued him. He loved, for at least six months, Georgiana +McTeague, the niece of the presbyterian minister of St. Osoph's. He +loved her so well that for her sake he temporarily abandoned his pew at +St. Asaph's, which was episcopalian, and listened to fourteen +consecutive sermons on hell. But the affair got no further than that. +Once or twice, indeed, Spillikins walked home with Georgiana from +church and talked about hell with her; and once her uncle asked him +into the manse for cold supper after evening service, and they had a +long talk about hell all through the meal and upstairs in the +sitting-room afterwards. But somehow Spillikins could get no further +with it. He read up all he could about hell so as to be able to talk +with Georgiana, but in the end it failed: a young minister fresh from +college came and preached at St. Osoph's six special sermons on the +absolute certainty of eternal punishment, and he married Miss McTeague +as a result of it. + +And, meantime, Mr. Spillikins had got engaged, or practically so, to +Adelina Lightleigh; not that he had spoken to her, but he considered +himself bound to her. For her sake he had given up hell altogether, and +was dancing till two in the morning and studying action bridge out of a +book. For a time he felt so sure that she meant to have him that he +began bringing his greatest friend, Edward Ruff of the college football +team, of whom Spillikins was very proud, up to the Lightleighs' +residence. He specially wanted Adelina and Edward to be great friends, +so that Adelina and he might ask Edward up to the house after he was +married. And they got to be such great friends, and so quickly, that +they were married in New York that autumn. After which Spillikins used +to be invited up to the house by Edward and Adelina. They both used to +tell him how much they owed him; and they, too, used to join in the +chorus and say, "You know, Peter, you're awfully silly not to get +married." + +Now all this had happened and finished at about the time when the +Yahi-Bahi Society ran its course. At its first meeting Mr. Spillikins +had met Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown. At the very sight of her he began +reading up the life of Buddha and a translation of the Upanishads so as +to fit himself to aspire to live with her. Even when the society ended +in disaster Mr. Spillikins's love only burned the stronger. +Consequently, as soon as he knew that Mr. and Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown were +going away for the summer, and that Dulphemia was to go to stay with +the Newberrys at Castel Casteggio, this latter place, the summer +retreat of the Newberrys, became the one spot on earth for Mr. Peter +Spillikins. + +Naturally, therefore, Mr. Spillikins was presently transported to the +seventh heaven when in due course of time he received a note which +said, "We shall be so pleased if you can come out and spend a week or +two with us here. We will send the car down to the Thursday train to +meet you. We live here in the simplest fashion possible; in fact, as +Mr. Newberry says, we are just roughing it, but I am sure you don't +mind for a change. Dulphemia is with us, but we are quite a small +party." + +The note was signed "Margaret Newberry" and was written on heavy cream +paper with a silver monogram such as people use when roughing it. + + * * * * * + +The Newberrys, like everybody else, went away from town in the +summertime. Mr. Newberry being still in business, after a fashion, it +would not have looked well for him to remain in town throughout the +year. It would have created a bad impression on the market as to how +much he was making. + +In fact, in the early summer everybody went out of town. The few who +ever revisited the place in August reported that they hadn't seen a +soul on the street. + +It was a sort of longing for the simple life, for nature, that came +over everybody. Some people sought it at the seaside, where nature had +thrown out her broad plank walks and her long piers and her vaudeville +shows. Others sought it in the heart of the country, where nature had +spread her oiled motor roads and her wayside inns. Others, like the +Newberrys, preferred to "rough it" in country residences of their own. + +Some of the people, as already said, went for business reasons, to +avoid the suspicion of having to work all the year round. Others went +to Europe to avoid the reproach of living always in America. Others, +perhaps most people, went for medical reasons, being sent away by their +doctors. Not that they were ill; but the doctors of Plutoria Avenue, +such as Doctor Slyder, always preferred to send all their patients out +of town during the summer months. No well-to-do doctor cares to be +bothered with them. And of course patients, even when they are anxious +to go anywhere on their own account, much prefer to be sent there by +their doctor. + +"My dear madam," Dr. Slyder would say to a lady who, as he knew, was +most anxious to go to Virginia, "there's really nothing I can do for +you." Here he spoke the truth. "It's not a case of treatment. It's +simply a matter of dropping everything and going away. Now why don't +you go for a month or two to some quiet place, where you will simply +_do nothing?_" (She never, as he knew, did anything, anyway.) "What do +you say to Hot Springs, Virginia?--absolute quiet, good golf, not a +soul there, plenty of tennis." Or else he would say, "My dear madam, +you're simply _worn out_. Why don't you just drop everything and go to +Canada?--perfectly quiet, not a soul there, and, I believe, nowadays +quite fashionable." + +Thus, after all the patients had been sent away, Dr. Slyder and his +colleagues of Plutoria Avenue managed to slip away themselves for a +month or two, heading straight for Paris and Vienna. There they were +able, so they said, to keep in touch with what continental doctors were +doing. They probably were. + +Now it so happened that both the parents of Miss Dulphemia +Rasselyer-Brown had been sent out of town in this fashion. Mrs. +Rasselyer-Brown's distressing experience with Yahi-Bahi had left her in +a condition in which she was utterly fit for nothing, except to go on a +Mediterranean cruise, with about eighty other people also fit for +nothing. + +Mr. Rasselyer-Brown himself, though never exactly an invalid, had +confessed that after all the fuss of the Yahi-Bahi business he needed +bracing up, needed putting into shape, and had put himself into Dr. +Slyder's hands. The doctor had examined him, questioned him searchingly +as to what he drank, and ended by prescribing port wine to be taken +firmly and unflinchingly during the evening, and for the daytime, at +any moment of exhaustion, a light cordial such as rye whiskey, or rum +and Vichy water. In addition to which Dr. Slyder had recommended Mr. +Rasselyer-Brown to leave town. + +"Why don't you go down to Nagahakett on the Atlantic?" he said. + +"Is that in Maine?" said Mr. Rasselyer-Brown in horror. + +"Oh, dear me, no!" answered the doctor reassuringly. "It's in New +Brunswick, Canada; excellent place, most liberal licence laws; first +class cuisine and a bar in the hotel. No tourists, no golf, too cold to +swim--just the place to enjoy oneself." + +So Mr. Rasselyer-Brown had gone away also, and as a result Dulphemia +Rasselyer-Brown, at the particular moment of which we speak, was +declared by the Boudoir and Society column of the _Plutorian Daily +Dollar_ to be staying with Mr. and Mrs. Newberry at their charming +retreat, Castel Casteggio. + +The Newberrys belonged to the class of people whose one aim in the +summer is to lead the simple life. Mr. Newberry himself said that his +one idea of a vacation was to get right out into the bush, and put on +old clothes, and just eat when he felt like it. + +This was why he had built Castel Casteggio. It stood about forty miles +from the city, out among the wooded hills on the shore of a little +lake. Except for the fifteen or twenty residences like it that dotted +the sides of the lake it was entirely isolated. The only way to reach +it was by the motor road that wound its way among leafy hills from the +railway station fifteen miles away. Every foot of the road was private +property, as all nature ought to be. The whole country about Castel +Casteggio was absolutely primeval, or at any rate as primeval as Scotch +gardeners and French landscape artists could make it. The lake itself +lay like a sparkling gem from nature's workshop--except that they had +raised the level of it ten feet, stone-banked the sides, cleared out +the brush, and put a motor road round it. Beyond that it was pure +nature. + +Castel Casteggio itself, a beautiful house of white brick with sweeping +piazzas and glittering conservatories, standing among great trees with +rolling lawns broken with flower-beds as the ground sloped to the lake, +was perhaps the most beautiful house of all; at any rate, it was an +ideal spot to wear old clothes in, to dine early (at 7.30) and, except +for tennis parties, motor-boat parties, lawn teas, and golf, to live +absolutely to oneself. + +It should be explained that the house was not called Castel Casteggio +because the Newberrys were Italian: they were not; nor because they +owned estates in Italy: they didn't nor had travelled there: they +hadn't. Indeed, for a time they had thought of giving it a Welsh name, +or a Scotch. But the beautiful country residence of the +Asterisk-Thomsons had stood close by in the same primeval country was +already called Penny-gw-rydd, and the woodland retreat of the +Hyphen-Joneses just across the little lake was called +Strathythan-na-Clee, and the charming chalet of the Wilson-Smiths was +called Yodel-Dudel; so it seemed fairer to select an Italian name. + + * * * * * + +"By Jove! Miss Furlong, how awfully good of you to come down!" + +The little suburban train--two cars only, both first class, for the +train went nowhere except out into the primeval wilderness--had drawn +up at the diminutive roadside station. Mr. Spillikins had alighted, and +there was Miss Philippa Furlong sitting behind the chauffeur in the +Newberrys' motor. She was looking as beautiful as only the younger +sister of a High Church episcopalian rector can look, dressed in white, +the colour of saintliness, on a beautiful morning in July. + +There was no doubt about Philippa Furlong. Her beauty was of that +peculiar and almost sacred kind found only in the immediate +neighbourhood of the High Church clergy. It was admitted by all who +envied or admired her that she could enter a church more gracefully, +move more swimmingly up the aisle, and pray better than any girl on +Plutoria Avenue. + +Mr. Spillikins, as he gazed at her in her white summer dress and wide +picture hat, with her parasol nodding above her head, realized that +after all, religion, as embodied in the younger sisters of the High +Church clergy, fills a great place in the world. + +"By Jove!" he repeated, "how awfully good of you!" + +"Not a bit," said Philippa. "Hop in. Dulphemia was coming, but she +couldn't. Is that all you have with you?" + +The last remark was ironical. It referred to the two quite large +steamer trunks of Mr. Spillikins that were being loaded, together with +his suit-case, tennis racket, and golf kit, on to the fore part of the +motor. Mr. Spillikins, as a young man of social experience, had roughed +it before. He knew what a lot of clothes one needs for it. + +So the motor sped away, and went bowling noiselessly over the oiled +road, and turning corners where the green boughs of the great trees +almost swished in their faces, and rounding and twisting among curves +of the hills as it carried Spillikins and Philippa away from the lower +domain or ordinary fields and farms up into the enchanted country of +private property and the magic castles of Casteggio and Penny-gw-rydd. + +Mr. Spillikins must have assured Philippa at least a dozen times in +starting off how awfully good it was of her to come down in the motor; +and he was so pleased at her coming to meet him that Philippa never +even hinted that the truth was that she had expected somebody else on +the same train. For to a girl brought up in the principles of the High +Church the truth is a very sacred thing. She keeps it to herself. + +And naturally, with such a sympathetic listener, it was not long before +Mr. Spillikins had begun to talk of Dulphemia and his hopes. + +"I don't know whether she really cares for me or not," said Mr. +Spillikins, "but I have pretty good hope. The other day, or at least +about two months ago, at one of the Yahi-Bahi meetings--you were not in +that, were you?" he said breaking off. + +"Only just at the beginning," said Philippa; "we went to Bermuda." + +"Oh yes, I remember. Do you know, I thought it pretty rough at the end, +especially on Ram Spudd. I liked him. I sent him two pounds of tobacco +to the penitentiary last week; you can get it in to them, you know, if +you know how." + +"But what were you going to say?" asked Philippa. + +"Oh yes," said Mr. Spillikins. And he realized that he had actually +drifted off the topic of Dulphemia, a thing that had never happened to +him before. "I was going to say that at one of the meetings, you know, +I asked her if I might call her Dulphemia." + +"And what did she say to that?" asked Philippa. + +"She said she didn't care what I called her. So I think that looks +pretty good, don't you?" + +"Awfully good," said Philippa. + +"And a little after that I took her slippers home from the Charity Ball +at the Grand Palaver. Archie Jones took her home herself in his car, +but I took her slippers. She'd forgotten them. I thought that a pretty +good sign, wasn't it? You wouldn't let a chap carry round your slippers +unless you knew him pretty well, would you, Miss Philippa?" + +"Oh no, nobody would," said Philippa. This of course, was a standing +principle of the Anglican Church. + +"And a little after that Dulphemia and Charlie Mostyn and I were +walking to Mrs. Buncomhearst's musical, and we'd only just started +along the street, when she stopped and sent me back for her music--me, +mind you, not Charlie. That seems to me awfully significant." + +"It seems to speak volumes," said Philippa. + +"Doesn't it?" said Mr. Spillikins. "You don't mind my telling you all +about this Miss Philippa?" he added. + +Incidentally Mr. Spillikins felt that it was all right to call her Miss +Philippa, because she had a sister who was really Miss Furlong, so it +would have been quite wrong, as Mr. Spillikins realized, to have called +Miss Philippa by her surname. In any case, the beauty of the morning +was against it. + +"I don't mind a bit," said Philippa. "I think it's awfully nice of you +to tell me about it." + +She didn't add that she knew all about it already. + +"You see," said Mr. Spillikins, "you're so awfully sympathetic. It +makes it so easy to talk to you. With other girls, especially with +clever ones, even with Dulphemia. I often feel a perfect jackass beside +them. But I don t feel that way with you at all." + +"Don't you really?" said Philippa, but the honest admiration in Mr. +Spillikin's protruding blue eyes forbade a sarcastic answer. + +"By Jove!" said Mr. Spillikins presently, with complete irrelevance, "I +hope you don't mind my saying it, but you look awfully well in +white--stunning." He felt that a man who was affianced, or practically +so, was allowed the smaller liberty of paying honest compliments. + +"Oh, this old thing," laughed Philippa, with a contemptuous shake of +her dress. "But up here, you know, we just wear anything." She didn't +say that this old thing was only two weeks old and had cost eighty +dollars, or the equivalent of one person's pew rent at St. Asaph's for +six months. + +And after that they had only time, so it seemed to Mr. Spillikins, for +two or three remarks, and he had scarcely had leisure to reflect what a +charming girl Philippa had grown to be since she went to Bermuda--the +effect, no doubt, of the climate of those fortunate islands--when quite +suddenly they rounded a curve into an avenue of nodding trees, and +there were the great lawn and wide piazzas and the conservatories of +Castel Casteggio right in front of them. + +"Here we are," said Philippa, "and there's Mr. Newberry out on the +lawn." + + * * * * * + +"Now, here," Mr. Newberry was saying a little later, waving his hand, +"is where you get what I think the finest view of the place." + +He was standing at the corner of the lawn where it sloped, dotted with +great trees, to the banks of the little lake, and was showing Mr. +Spillikins the beauties of Castel Casteggio. + +Mr. Newberry wore on his short circular person the summer costume of a +man taking his ease and careless of dress: plain white flannel +trousers, not worth more than six dollars a leg, an ordinary white silk +shirt with a rolled collar, that couldn't have cost more than fifteen +dollars, and on his head an ordinary Panama hat, say forty dollars. + +"By Jove!" said Mr. Spillikins, as he looked about him at the house and +the beautiful lawn with its great trees, "it's a lovely place." + +"Isn't it?" said Mr. Newberry. "But you ought to have seen it when I +took hold of it. To make the motor road alone I had to dynamite out +about a hundred yards of rock, and then I fetched up cement, tons and +tons of it, and boulders to buttress the embankment." + +"Did you really!" said Mr. Spillikins, looking at Mr. Newberry with +great respect. + +"Yes, and even that was nothing to the house itself. Do you know, I had +to go at least forty feet for the foundations. First I went through +about twenty feet of loose clay, after that I struck sand, and I'd no +sooner got through that than, by George! I landed in eight feet of +water. I had to pump it out; I think I took out a thousand gallons +before I got clear down to the rock. Then I took my solid steel beams +in fifty-foot lengths," here Mr. Newberry imitated with his arms the +action of a man setting up a steel beam, "and set them upright and +bolted them on the rock. After that I threw my steel girders across, +clapped on my roof rafters, all steel, in sixty-foot pieces, and then +just held it easily, just supported it a bit, and let it sink gradually +to its place." + +Mr. Newberry illustrated with his two arms the action of a huge house +being allowed to sink slowly to a firm rest. + +"You don't say so!" said Mr. Spillikins, lost in amazement at the +wonderful physical strength that Mr. Newberry must have. + +"Excuse me just a minute," broke off Mr. Newberry, "while I smooth out +the gravel where you're standing. You've rather disturbed it, I'm +afraid." + +"Oh, I'm awfully sorry," said Mr. Spillikins. + +"Oh, not at all, not at all," said his host. "I don't mind in the +least. It's only on account of McAlister." + +"Who?" asked Mr. Spillikins. + +"My gardener. He doesn't care to have us walk on the gravel paths. It +scuffs up the gravel so. But sometimes one forgets." + +It should be said here, for the sake of clearness, that one of the +chief glories of Castel Casteggio lay in its servants. All of them, it +goes without saying, had been brought from Great Britain. The comfort +they gave to Mr. and Mrs. Newberry was unspeakable. In fact, as they +themselves admitted, servants of the kind are simply not to be found in +America. + +"Our Scotch gardener," Mrs. Newberry always explained "is a perfect +character. I don't know how we could get another like him. Do you know, +my dear, he simply won't allow us to pick the roses; and if any of us +walk across the grass he is furious. And he positively refuses to let +us use the vegetables. He told me quite plainly that if we took any of +his young peas or his early cucumbers he would leave. We are to have +them later on when he's finished growing them." + +"How delightful it is to have servants of that sort," the lady +addressed would murmur; "so devoted and so different from servants on +this side of the water. Just imagine, my dear, my chauffeur, when I was +in Colorado, actually threatened to leave me merely because I wanted to +reduce his wages. I think it's these wretched labour unions." + +"I'm sure it is. Of course we have trouble with McAlister at times, but +he's always very reasonable when we put things in the right light. Last +week, for example, I was afraid that we had gone too far with him. He +is always accustomed to have a quart of beer every morning at half-past +ten--the maids are told to bring it out to him, and after that he goes +to sleep in the little arbour beside the tulip bed. And the other day +when he went there he found that one of our guests who hadn't been +told, was actually sitting in there reading. Of course he was +_furious_. I was afraid for the moment that he would give notice on the +spot." + +"What _would_ you have done?" + +"Positively, my dear, I don't know. But we explained to him at once +that it was only an accident and that the person hadn't known and that +of course it wouldn't occur again. After that he was softened a little, +but he went off muttering to himself, and that evening he dug up all +the new tulips and threw them over the fence. We saw him do it, but we +didn't dare say anything." + +"Oh no," echoed the other lady; "if you had you might have lost him." + +"Exactly. And I don't think we could possibly get another man like him; +at least, not on this side of the water." + + * * * * * + +"But come," said Mr. Newberry, after he had finished adjusting the +gravel with his foot, "there are Mrs. Newberry and the girls on the +verandah. Let's go and join them." + +A few minutes later Mr. Spillikins was talking with Mrs. Newberry and +Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown, and telling Mrs. Newberry what a beautiful +house she had. Beside them stood Philippa Furlong, and she had her arm +around Dulphemia's waist; and the picture that they thus made, with +their heads close together, Dulphemia's hair being golden and +Philippa's chestnut-brown, was such that Mr. Spillikins had no eyes for +Mrs. Newberry nor for Castel Casteggio nor for anything. So much so +that he practically didn't see at all the little girl in green that +stood unobtrusively on the further side of Mrs. Newberry. Indeed, +though somebody had murmured her name in introduction, he couldn't have +repeated it if asked two minutes afterwards. His eyes and his mind were +elsewhere. + +But hers were not. + +For the Little Girl in Green looked at Mr. Spillikins with wide eyes, +and when she looked at him she saw all at once such wonderful things +about him as nobody had ever seen before. + +For she could see from the poise of his head how awfully clever he was; +and from the way he stood with his hands in his side pockets she could +see how manly and brave he must be; and of course there was firmness +and strength written all over him. In short, she saw as she looked such +a Peter Spillikins as truly never existed, or could exist--or at least +such a Peter Spillikins as no one else in the world had ever suspected +before. + +All in a moment she was ever so glad that she accepted Mrs. Newberry's +invitation to Castel Casteggio and hadn't been afraid to come. For the +Little Girl in Green, whose Christian name was Norah, was only what is +called a poor relation of Mrs. Newberry, and her father was a person of +no account whatever, who didn't belong to the Mausoleum Club or to any +other club, and who lived, with Norah, on a street that nobody who was +anybody lived upon. Norah had been asked up a few days before out of +the City to give her air--which is the only thing that can be safely +and freely given to poor relations. Thus she had arrived at Castel +Casteggio with one diminutive trunk, so small and shabby that even the +servants who carried it upstairs were ashamed of it. In it were a pair +of brand new tennis shoes (at ninety cents reduced to seventy-five) and +a white dress of the kind that is called "almost evening," and such few +other things as poor relations might bring with fear and trembling to +join in the simple rusticity of the rich. + +Thus stood Norah looking at Mr. Spillikins. + +As for him, such is the contrariety of human things, he had no eyes for +her at all. + +"What a perfectly charming house this is," Mr. Spillikins was saying. +He always said this on such occasions, but it seemed to the Little Girl +in Green that he spoke with wonderful social ease. + +"I am so glad you think so," said Mrs. Newberry (this was what she +always answered); "you've no idea what work it has been. This year we +put in all this new glass in the east conservatory, over a thousand +panes. Such a tremendous business!" + +"I was just telling Mr. Spillikins," said Mr. Newberry, "about the work +we had blasting out the motor road. You can see the gap where it lies +better from here, I think, Spillikins. I must have exploded a ton and a +half of dynamite on it." + +"By Jove!" said Mr. Spillikins; "it must be dangerous work eh? I wonder +you aren't afraid of it." + +"One simply gets used to it, that's all," said Newberry, shrugging his +shoulders; "but of course it is dangerous. I blew up two Italians on +the last job." He paused a minute and added musingly, "Hardy fellows, +the Italians. I prefer them to any other people for blasting." + +"Did you blow them up yourself?" asked Mr. Spillikins. + +"I wasn't here," answered Mr. Newberry. "In fact, I never care to be +here when I'm blasting. We go to town. But I had to foot the bill for +them all the same. Quite right, too. The risk, of course, was mine, not +theirs; that's the law, you know. They cost me two thousand each." + +"But come," said Mrs. Newberry, "I think we must go and dress for +dinner. Franklin will be frightfully put out if we're late. Franklin is +our butler," she went on, seeing that Mr. Spillikins didn't understand +the reference, "and as we brought him out from England we have to be +rather careful. With a good man like Franklin one is always so afraid +of losing him--and after last night we have to be doubly careful." + +"Why last night?" asked Mr. Spillikins. + +"Oh, it wasn't much," said Mrs. Newberry. "In fact, it was merely an +accident. Only it just chanced that at dinner, quite late in the meal, +when we had had nearly everything (we dine very simply here, Mr. +Spillikins), Mr. Newberry, who was thirsty and who wasn't really +thinking what he was saying, asked Franklin to give him a glass of +hock. Franklin said at once, 'I'm very sorry, sir, I don't care to +serve hock after the entree!'" + +"And of course he was right," said Dulphemia with emphasis. "Exactly; +he was perfectly right. They know, you know. We were afraid that there +might be trouble, but Mr. Newberry went and saw Franklin afterwards and +he behaved very well over it. But suppose we go and dress? It's +half-past six already and we've only an hour." + + * * * * * + +In this congenial company Mr. Spillikins spent the next three days. + +Life at Castel Casteggio, as the Newberrys loved to explain, was +conducted on the very simplest plan. Early breakfast, country fashion, +at nine o'clock; after that nothing to eat till lunch, unless one cared +to have lemonade or bottled ale sent out with a biscuit or a macaroon +to the tennis court. Lunch itself was a perfectly plain midday meal, +lasting till about 1.30, and consisting simply of cold meats (say four +kinds) and salads, with perhaps a made dish or two, and, for anybody +who cared for it, a hot steak or a chop, or both. After that one had +coffee and cigarettes in the shade of the piazza and waited for +afternoon tea. This latter was served at a wicker table in any part of +the grounds that the gardener was not at that moment clipping, +trimming, or otherwise using. Afternoon tea being over, one rested or +walked on the lawn till it was time to dress for dinner. + +This simple routine was broken only by irruptions of people in motors +or motor boats from Penny-gw-rydd or Yodel-Dudel Chalet. + +The whole thing, from the point of view of Mr. Spillikins or Dulphemia +or Philippa, represented rusticity itself. + +To the Little Girl in Green it seemed as brilliant as the Court of +Versailles; especially evening dinner--a plain home meal as the others +thought it--when she had four glasses to drink out of and used to +wonder over such problems as whether you were supposed, when Franklin +poured out wine, to tell him to stop or to wait till he stopped without +being told to stop; and other similar mysteries, such as many people +before and after have meditated upon. + +During all this time Mr. Spillikins was nerving himself to propose to +Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown. In fact, he spent part of his time walking +up and down under the trees with Philippa Furlong and discussing with +her the proposal that he meant to make, together with such topics as +marriage in general and his own unworthiness. + +He might have waited indefinitely had he not learned, on the third day +of his visit, that Dulphemia was to go away in the morning to join her +father at Nagahakett. + +That evening he found the necessary nerve to speak, and the proposal in +almost every aspect of it was most successful. + +"By Jove!" Spillikins said to Philippa Furlong next morning, in +explaining what had happened, "she was awfully nice about it. I think +she must have guessed, in a way, don't you, what I was going to say? +But at any rate she was awfully nice--let me say everything I wanted, +and when I explained what a fool I was, she said she didn't think I was +half such a fool as people thought me. But it's all right. It turns out +that she isn't thinking of getting married. I asked her if I might +always go on thinking of her, and she said I might." + +And that morning when Dulphemia was carried off in the motor to the +station, Mr. Spillikins, without exactly being aware how he had done +it, had somehow transferred himself to Philippa. + +"Isn't she a splendid girl!" he said at least ten times a day to Norah, +the Little Girl in Green. And Norah always agreed, because she really +thought Philippa a perfectly wonderful creature. There is no doubt +that, but for a slight shift of circumstances, Mr. Spillikins would +have proposed to Miss Furlong. Indeed, he spent a good part of his time +rehearsing little speeches that began, "Of course I know I'm an awful +ass in a way," or, "Of course I know that I'm not at all the sort of +fellow," and so on. + +But not one of them ever was delivered. + +For it so happened that on the Thursday, one week after Mr. +Spillikins's arrival, Philippa went again to the station in the motor. +And when she came back there was another passenger with her, a tall +young man in tweed, and they both began calling out to the Newberrys +from a distance of at least a hundred yards. + +And both the Newberrys suddenly exclaimed, "Why, it's Tom!" and rushed +off to meet the motor. And there was such a laughing and jubilation as +the two descended and carried Tom's valises to the verandah, that Mr. +Spillikins felt as suddenly and completely out of it as the Little Girl +in Green herself--especially as his ear had caught, among the first +things said, the words, "Congratulate us, Mrs. Newberry, we're engaged." + +After which Mr. Spillikins had the pleasure of sitting and listening +while it was explained in wicker chairs on the verandah, that Philippa +and Tom had been engaged already for ever so long--in fact, nearly two +weeks, only they had agreed not to say a word to anybody till Tom had +gone to North Carolina and back, to see his people. + +And as to who Tom was, or what was the relation between Tom and the +Newberrys, Mr. Spillikins neither knew or cared; nor did it interest +him in the least that Philippa had met Tom in Bermuda, and that she +hadn't known that he even knew the Newberry's nor any other of the +exuberant disclosures of the moment. In fact, if there was any one +period rather than another when Mr. Spillikins felt corroborated in his +private view of himself, it was at this moment. + +So the next day Tom and Philippa vanished together. + +"We shall be quite a small party now," said Mrs. Newberry; "in fact, +quite by ourselves till Mrs. Everleigh comes, and she won't be here for +a fortnight." + +At which the heart of the Little Girl in Green was glad, because she +had been afraid that other girls might be coming, whereas she knew that +Mrs. Everleigh was a widow with four sons and must be ever so old, past +forty. + +The next few days were spent by Mr. Spillikins almost entirely in the +society of Norah. He thought them on the whole rather pleasant days, +but slow. To her they were an uninterrupted dream of happiness never to +be forgotten. + +The Newberrys left them to themselves; not with any intent; it was +merely that they were perpetually busy walking about the grounds of +Castel Casteggio, blowing up things with dynamite, throwing steel +bridges over gullies, and hoisting heavy timber with derricks. Nor were +they to blame for it. For it had not always been theirs to command +dynamite and control the forces of nature. There had been a time, now +long ago, when the two Newberrys had lived, both of them, on twenty +dollars a week, and Mrs. Newberry had made her own dresses, and Mr. +Newberry had spent vigorous evenings in making hand-made shelves for +their sitting-room. That was long ago, and since then Mr. Newberry, +like many other people of those earlier days, had risen to wealth and +Castel Casteggio, while others, like Norah's father, had stayed just +where they were. + +So the Newberrys left Peter and Norah to themselves all day. Even after +dinner, in the evening, Mr. Newberry was very apt to call to his wife +in the dusk from some distant corner of the lawn: + +"Margaret, come over here and tell me if you don't think we might cut +down this elm, tear the stump out by the roots, and throw it into the +ravine." + +And the answer was, "One minute, Edward; just wait till I get a wrap." + +Before they came back, the dusk had grown to darkness, and they had +redynamited half the estate. + +During all of which time Mr. Spillikins sat with Norah on the piazza. +He talked and she listened. He told her, for instance, all about his +terrific experiences in the oil business, and about his exciting career +at college; or presently they went indoors and Norah played the piano +and Mr. Spillikins sat and smoked and listened. In such a house as the +Newberry's, where dynamite and the greater explosives were everyday +matters, a little thing like the use of tobacco in the drawing-room +didn't count. As for the music, "Go right ahead," said Mr. Spillikins; +"I'm not musical, but I don't mind music a bit." + +In the daytime they played tennis. There was a court at one end of the +lawn beneath the trees, all chequered with sunlight and mingled shadow; +very beautiful, Norah thought, though Mr. Spillikins explained that the +spotted light put him off his game. In fact, it was owing entirely to +this bad light that Mr. Spillikins's fast drives, wonderful though they +were, somehow never got inside the service court. + +Norah, of course, thought Mr. Spillikins a wonderful player. She was +glad--in fact, it suited them both--when he beat her six to nothing. +She didn't know and didn't care that there was no one else in the world +that Mr. Spillikins could beat like that. Once he even said to her. + +"By Gad! you don't play half a bad game, you know. I think you know, +with practice you'd come on quite a lot." + +After that the games were understood to be more or less in the form of +lessons, which put Mr. Spillikins on a pedestal of superiority, and +allowed any bad strokes on his part to be viewed as a form of +indulgence. + +Also, as the tennis was viewed in this light, it was Norah's part to +pick up the balls at the net and throw them back to Mr. Spillikins. He +let her do this, not from rudeness, for it wasn't in him, but because +in such a primeval place as Castel Casteggio the natural primitive +relation of the sexes is bound to reassert itself. + +But of love Mr. Spillikins never thought. He had viewed it so eagerly +and so often from a distance that when it stood here modestly at his +very elbow he did not recognize its presence. His mind had been +fashioned, as it were, to connect love with something stunning and +sensational, with Easter hats and harem skirts and the luxurious +consciousness of the unattainable. + +Even at that, there is no knowing what might have happened. Tennis, in +the chequered light of sun and shadow cast by summer leaves, is a +dangerous game. There came a day when they were standing one each side +of the net and Mr. Spillikins was explaining to Norah the proper way to +hold a racquet so as to be able to give those magnificent backhand +sweeps of his, by which he generally drove the ball halfway to the +lake; and explaining this involved putting his hand right over Norah's +on the handle of the racquet, so that for just half a second her hand +was clasped tight in his; and if that half-second had been lengthened +out into a whole second it is quite possible that what was already +subconscious in his mind would have broken its way triumphantly to the +surface, and Norah's hand would have stayed in his--how willingly--! +for the rest of their two lives. + +But just at that moment Mr. Spillikins looked up, and he said in quite +an altered tone. + +"By Jove! who's that awfully good-looking woman getting out of the +motor?" + +And their hands unclasped. Norah looked over towards the house and said: + +"Why, it's Mrs. Everleigh. I thought she wasn't coming for another +week." + +"I say," said Mr. Spillikins, straining his short sight to the +uttermost, "what perfectly wonderful golden hair, eh?" "Why, it's--" +Norah began, and then she stopped. It didn't seem right to explain that +Mrs. Everleigh's hair was dyed. "And who's that tall chap standing +beside her?" said Mr. Spillikins. + +"I think it's Captain Cormorant, but I don't think he's going to stay. +He's only brought her up in the motor from town." "By Jove, how good of +him!" said Spillikins; and this sentiment in regard to Captain +Cormorant, though he didn't know it, was to become a keynote of his +existence. + +"I didn't know she was coming so soon," said Norah, and there was +weariness already in her heart. Certainly she didn't know it; still +less did she know, or anyone else, that the reason of Mrs. Everleigh's +coming was because Mr. Spillikins was there. She came with a set +purpose, and she sent Captain Cormorant directly back in the motor +because she didn't want him on the premises. + +"Oughtn't we to go up to the house?" said Norah. + +"All right," said Mr. Spillikins with great alacrity, "let's go." + + * * * * * + +Now as this story began with the information that Mrs. Everleigh is at +present Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins, there is no need to pursue in detail +the stages of Mr. Spillikins's wooing. Its course was swift and happy. +Mr. Spillikins, having seen the back of Mrs. Everleigh's head, had +decided instantly that she was the most beautiful woman in the world; +and that impression is not easily corrected in the half-light of a +shaded drawing-room; nor across a dinner-table lighted only with +candles with deep red shades; nor even in the daytime through a veil. +In any case, it is only fair to state that if Mrs. Everleigh was not +and is not a singularly beautiful woman, Mr. Spillikins still doesn't +know it. And in point of attraction the homage of such experts as +Captain Cormorant and Lieutenant Hawk speaks for itself. + +So the course of Mr. Spillikins's love, for love it must have been, ran +swiftly to its goal. Each stage of it was duly marked by his comments +to Norah. + +"She _is_ a splendid woman," he said, "so sympathetic. She always seems +to know just what one's going to say." + +So she did, for she was making him say it. + +"By Jove!" he said a day later, "Mrs. Everleigh's an awfully fine +woman, isn't she? I was telling her about my having been in the oil +business for a little while, and she thinks that I'd really be awfully +good in money things. She said she wished she had me to manage her +money for her." + +This also was quite true, except that Mrs. Everleigh had not made it +quite clear that the management of her money was of the form generally +known as deficit financing. In fact, her money was, very crudely +stated, nonexistent, and it needed a lot of management. + +A day or two later Mr. Spillikins was saying, "I think Mrs. Everleigh +must have had great sorrow, don't you? Yesterday she was showing me a +photograph of her little boy--she has a little boy you know--" + +"Yes, I know," said Norah. She didn't add that she knew that Mrs. +Everleigh had four. + +"--and she was saying how awfully rough it is having him always away +from her at Dr. Something's academy where he is." + +And very soon after that Mr. Spillikins was saying, with quite a quaver +in his voice, + +"By Jove! yes, I'm awfully lucky; I never thought for a moment that +she'd have me, you know--a woman like her, with so much attention and +everything. I can't imagine what she sees in me." + +Which was just as well. + +And then Mr. Spillikins checked himself, for he noticed--this was on +the verandah in the morning--that Norah had a hat and jacket on and +that the motor was rolling towards the door. + +"I say," he said, "are you going away?" + +"Yes, didn't you know?" Norah said. "I thought you heard them speaking +of it at dinner last night. I have to go home; father's alone, you +know." + +"Oh, I'm awfully sorry," said Mr. Spillikins; "we shan't have any more +tennis." + +"Goodbye," said Norah, and as she said it and put out her hand there +were tears brimming up into her eyes. But Mr. Spillikins, being short +of sight, didn't see them. + +"Goodbye," he said. + +Then as the motor carried her away he stood for a moment in a sort of +reverie. Perhaps certain things that might have been rose unformed and +inarticulate before his mind. And then, a voice called from the +drawing-room within, in a measured and assured tone, + +"Peter, darling, where are you?" + +"Coming," cried Mr. Spillikins, and he came. + + * * * * * + +On the second day of the engagement Mrs. Everleigh showed to Peter a +little photograph in a brooch. + +"This is Gib, my second little boy," she said. + +Mr. Spillikins started to say, "I didn't know--" and then checked +himself and said, "By Gad! what a fine-looking little chap, eh? I'm +awfully fond of boys." + +"Dear little fellow, isn't he?" said Mrs. Everleigh. "He's really +rather taller than that now, because this picture was taken a little +while ago." + +And the next day she said, "This is Willie, my third boy," and on the +day after that she said, "This is Sib, my youngest boy; I'm sure you'll +love him." + +"I'm sure I shall," said Mr. Spillikins. He loved him already for being +the youngest. + + * * * * * + +And so in the fulness of time--nor was it so very full either, in fact, +only about five weeks--Peter Spillikins and Mrs. Everleigh were married +in St. Asaph's Church on Plutoria Avenue. And the wedding was one of +the most beautiful and sumptuous of the weddings of the September +season. There were flowers, and bridesmaids in long veils, and tall +ushers in frock-coats, and awnings at the church door, and strings of +motors with wedding-favours on imported chauffeurs, and all that goes +to invest marriage on Plutoria Avenue with its peculiar sacredness. The +face of the young rector, Mr. Fareforth Furlong, wore the added +saintliness that springs from a five-hundred dollar fee. The whole town +was there, or at least everybody that was anybody; and if there was one +person absent, one who sat by herself in the darkened drawing-room of a +dull little house on a shabby street, who knew or cared? + +So after the ceremony the happy couple--for were they not so?--left for +New York. There they spent their honeymoon. They had thought of +going--it was Mr. Spillikins's idea--to the coast of Maine. But Mrs. +Everleigh-Spillikins said that New York was much nicer, so restful, +whereas, as everyone knows, the coast of Maine is frightfully noisy. + +Moreover, it so happened that before the Everleigh-Spillikinses had +been more than four or five days in New York the ship of Captain +Cormorant dropped anchor in the Hudson; and when the anchor of that +ship was once down it generally stayed there. So the captain was able +to take the Everleigh-Spillikinses about in New York, and to give a tea +for Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins on the deck of his vessel so that she +might meet the officers, and another tea in a private room of a +restaurant on Fifth Avenue so that she might meet no one but himself. + +And at this tea Captain Cormorant said, among other things, "Did he +kick up rough at all when you told him about the money?" + +And Mrs. Everleigh, now Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins, said, "Not he! I +think he is actually pleased to know that I haven't any. Do you know, +Arthur, he's really an awfully good fellow," and as she said it she +moved her hand away from under Captain Cormorant's on the tea-table. + +"I say," said the Captain, "don't get sentimental over him." + + * * * * * + +So that is how it is that the Everleigh-Spillikinses came to reside on +Plutoria Avenue in a beautiful stone house, with a billiard-room in an +extension on the second floor. Through the windows of it one can almost +hear the click of the billiard balls, and a voice saying, "Hold on, +father, you had your shot." + + + +CHAPTER SIX: The Rival Churches of St. Asaph and St. Osoph + +The church of St. Asaph, more properly call St. Asaph's in the Fields, +stands among the elm trees of Plutoria Avenue opposite the university, +its tall spire pointing to the blue sky. Its rector is fond of saying +that it seems to him to point, as it were, a warning against the sins +of a commercial age. More particularly does he say this in his Lenten +services at noonday, when the businessmen sit in front of him in rows, +their bald heads uncovered and their faces stamped with contrition as +they think of mergers that they should have made, and real estate that +they failed to buy for lack of faith. + +The ground on which St. Asaph's stands is worth seven dollars and a +half a foot. The mortgagees, as they kneel in prayer in their long +frock-coats, feel that they have built upon a rock. It is a beautifully +appointed church. There are windows with priceless stained glass that +were imported from Normandy, the rector himself swearing out the +invoices to save the congregation the grievous burden of the customs +duty. There is a pipe organ in the transept that cost ten thousand +dollars to install. The debenture-holders, as they join in the morning +anthem, love to hear the dulcet notes of the great organ and to reflect +that it is as good as new. Just behind the church is St. Asaph's Sunday +School, with a ten-thousand dollar mortgage of its own. And below that +again on the side street, is the building of the Young Men's Guild with +a bowling-alley and a swimming-bath deep enough to drown two young men +at a time, and a billiard-room with seven tables. It is the rector's +boast that with a Guild House such as that there is no need for any +young man of the congregation to frequent a saloon. Nor is there. + +And on Sunday mornings, when the great organ plays, and the mortgagees +and the bond-holders and the debenture-holders and the Sunday school +teachers and the billiard-markers all lift up their voices together, +there is emitted from St. Asaph's a volume of praise that is +practically as fine and effective as paid professional work. + +St. Asaph's is episcopal. As a consequence it has in it and about it +all those things which go to make up the episcopal church--brass +tablets let into its walls, blackbirds singing in its elm trees, +parishioners who dine at eight o'clock, and a rector who wears a little +crucifix and dances the tango. + +On the other hand, there stands upon the same street, not a hundred +yards away, the rival church of St. Osoph--presbyterian down to its +very foundations in bed-rock, thirty feet below the level of the +avenue. It has a short, squat tower--and a low roof, and its narrow +windows are glazed with frosted glass. It has dark spruce trees instead +of elms, crows instead of blackbirds, and a gloomy minister with a +shovel hat who lectures on philosophy on week-days at the university. +He loves to think that his congregation are made of the lowly and the +meek in spirit, and to reflect that, lowly and meek as they are, there +are men among them that could buy out half the congregation of St. +Asaph's. + +St. Osoph's is only presbyterian in a special sense. It is, in fact, +too presbyterian to be any longer connected with any other body +whatsoever. It seceded some forty years ago from the original body to +which it belonged, and later on, with three other churches, it seceded +from the group of seceding congregations. Still later it fell into a +difference with the three other churches on the question of eternal +punishment, the word "eternal" not appearing to the elders of St. +Osoph's to designate a sufficiently long period. The dispute ended in a +secession which left the church of St. Osoph practically isolated in a +world of sin whose approaching fate it neither denied nor deplored. + +In one respect the rival churches of Plutoria Avenue had had a similar +history. Each of them had moved up by successive stages from the lower +and poorer parts of the city. Forty years ago St. Asaph's had been +nothing more than a little frame church with a tin spire, away in the +west of the slums, and St. Osoph's a square, diminutive building away +in the east. But the site of St. Asaph's had been bought by a brewing +company, and the trustees, shrewd men of business, themselves rising +into wealth, had rebuilt it right in the track of the advancing tide of +a real estate boom. The elders of St. Osoph, quiet men, but illumined +by an inner light, had followed suit and moved their church right +against the side of an expanding distillery. Thus both the churches, as +decade followed decade, made their way up the slope of the City till +St. Asaph's was presently gloriously expropriated by the street railway +company, and planted its spire in triumph on Plutoria Avenue itself. +But St. Osoph's followed. With each change of site it moved nearer and +nearer to St. Asaph's. Its elders were shrewd men. With each move of +their church they took careful thought in the rebuilding. In the +manufacturing district it was built with sixteen windows on each side +and was converted at a huge profit into a bicycle factory. On the +residential street it was made long and deep and was sold to a +moving-picture company without the alteration of so much as a pew. As a +last step a syndicate, formed among the members of the congregation +themselves, bought ground on Plutoria Avenue, and sublet it to +themselves as a site for the church, at a nominal interest of five per +cent per annum, payable nominally every three months and secured by a +nominal mortgage. + +As the two churches moved, their congregations, or at least all that +was best of them--such members as were sharing in the rising fortunes +of the City--moved also, and now for some six or seven years the two +churches and the two congregations had confronted one another among the +elm trees of the Avenue opposite to the university. + +But at this point the fortunes of the churches had diverged. St. +Asaph's was a brilliant success; St. Osoph's was a failure. Even its +own trustees couldn't deny it. At a time when St. Asaph's was not only +paying its interest but showing a handsome surplus on everything it +undertook, the church of St. Osoph was moving steadily backwards. + +There was no doubt, of course, as to the cause. Everybody knew it. It +was simply a question of men, and, as everybody said, one had only to +compare the two men conducting the churches to see why one succeeded +and the other failed. + +The Reverend Edward Fareforth Furlong of St. Asaph's was a man who +threw his whole energy into his parish work. The subtleties of +theological controversy he left to minds less active than his own. His +creed was one of works rather than of words, and whatever he was doing +he did it with his whole heart. Whether he was lunching at the +Mausoleum Club with one of his church wardens, or playing the +flute--which he played as only the episcopal clergy can play +it--accompanied on the harp by one of the fairest of the ladies of his +choir, or whether he was dancing the new episcopal tango with the +younger daughters of the elder parishioners, he threw himself into it +with all his might. He could drink tea more gracefully and play tennis +better than any clergyman on this side of the Atlantic. He could stand +beside the white stone font of St. Asaph's in his long white surplice +holding a white-robed infant, worth half a million dollars, looking as +beautifully innocent as the child itself, and drawing from every matron +of the congregation with unmarried daughters the despairing cry, "What +a pity that he has no children of his own!" + +Equally sound was his theology. No man was known to preach shorter +sermons or to explain away the book of Genesis more agreeably than the +rector of St. Asaph's; and if he found it necessary to refer to the +Deity he did so under the name of Jehovah or Jah, or even Yaweh in a +manner calculated not to hurt the sensitiveness of any of the +parishioners. People who would shudder at brutal talk of the older +fashion about the wrath of God listened with well-bred interest to a +sermon on the personal characteristics of Jah. In the same way Mr. +Furlong always referred to the devil, not as Satan but as Su or Swa, +which took all the sting out of him. Beelzebub he spoke of as +Behel-Zawbab, which rendered him perfectly harmless. The Garden of Eden +he spoke of as the Paradeisos, which explained it entirely; the flood +as the Diluvium, which cleared it up completely; and Jonah he named, +after the correct fashion Jon Nah, which put the whole situation (his +being swallowed by Baloo or the Great Lizard) on a perfectly +satisfactory footing. Hell itself was spoken of as She-ol, and it +appeared that it was not a place of burning, but rather of what one +might describe as moral torment. This settled She-ol once and for all: +nobody minds moral torment. In short, there was nothing in the +theological system of Mr. Furlong that need have occasioned in any of +his congregation a moment's discomfort. + +There could be no greater contrast with Mr. Fareforth Furlong than the +minister of St. Osoph's, the Rev. Dr. McTeague, who was also honorary +professor of philosophy at the university. The one was young, the other +was old; the one could dance the other could not; the one moved about +at church picnics and lawn teas among a bevy of disciples in pink and +blue sashes; the other moped around under the trees of the university +campus with blinking eyes that saw nothing and an abstracted mind that +had spent fifty years in trying to reconcile Hegel with St. Paul, and +was still busy with it. Mr. Furlong went forward with the times; Dr. +McTeague slid quietly backwards with the centuries. + +Dr. McTeague was a failure, and all his congregation knew it. "He is +not up to date," they said. That was his crowning sin. "He don't go +forward any," said the business members of the congregation. "That old +man believes just exactly the same sort of stuff now that he did forty +years ago. What's more, he preaches it. You can't run a church that +way, can you?" + +His trustees had done their best to meet the difficulty. They had +offered Dr. McTeague a two-years' vacation to go and see the Holy Land. +He refused; he said he could picture it. They reduced his salary by +fifty per cent; he never noticed it. They offered him an assistant; but +he shook his head, saying that he didn't know where he could find a man +to do just the work that he was doing. Meantime he mooned about among +the trees concocting a mixture of St. Paul with Hegel, three parts to +one, for his Sunday sermon, and one part to three for his Monday +lecture. + +No doubt it was his dual function that was to blame for his failure. +And this, perhaps, was the fault of Dr. Boomer, the president of the +university. Dr. Boomer, like all university presidents of today, +belonged to the presbyterian church; or rather, to state it more +correctly, he included presbyterianism within himself. He was of +course, a member of the board of management of St. Osoph's and it was +he who had urged, very strongly, the appointment of Dr. McTeague, then +senior professor of philosophy, as minister. + +"A saintly man," he said, "the very man for the post. If you should ask +me whether he is entirely at home as a professor of philosophy on our +staff at the university, I should be compelled to say no. We are forced +to admit that as a lecturer he does not meet our views. He appears to +find it difficult to keep religion out of his teaching. In fact, his +lectures are suffused with a rather dangerous attempt at moral teaching +which is apt to contaminate our students. But in the Church I should +imagine that would be, if anything, an advantage. Indeed, if you were +to come to me and say, 'Boomer, we wish to appoint Dr. McTeague as our +minister,' I should say, quite frankly, 'Take him.'" + +So Dr. McTeague had been appointed. Then, to the surprise of everybody +he refused to give up his lectures in philosophy. He said he felt a +call to give them. The salary, he said, was of no consequence. He wrote +to Mr. Furlong senior (the father of the episcopal rector and honorary +treasurer of the Plutoria University) and stated that he proposed to +give his lectures for nothing. The trustees of the college protested; +they urged that the case might set a dangerous precedent which other +professors might follow. While fully admitting that Dr. McTeague's +lectures were well worth giving for nothing, they begged him to +reconsider his offer. But he refused; and from that day on, in spite of +all offers that he should retire on double his salary, that he should +visit the Holy Land, or Syria, or Armenia, where the dreadful massacres +of Christians were taking place, Dr. McTeague clung to his post with a +tenacity worthy of the best traditions of Scotland. His only internal +perplexity was that he didn't see how, when the time came for him to +die, twenty or thirty years hence, they would ever be able to replace +him. Such was the situation of the two churches on a certain beautiful +morning in June, when an unforeseen event altered entirely the current +of their fortunes. + + * * * * * + +"No, thank you, Juliana," said the young rector to his sister across +the breakfast table--and there was something as near to bitterness in +his look as his saintly, smooth-shaven face was capable of +reflecting--"no, thank you, no more porridge. Prunes? no, no, thank +you; I don't think I care for any. And, by the way," he added, "don't +bother to keep any lunch for me. I have a great deal of business--that +is, of work in the parish--to see to, and I must just find time to get +a bite of something to eat when and where I can." + +In his own mind he was resolving that the place should be the Mausoleum +Club and the time just as soon as the head waiter would serve him. + +After which the Reverend Edward Fareforth Furlong bowed his head for a +moment in a short, silent blessing--the one prescribed by the episcopal +church in America for a breakfast of porridge and prunes. + +It was their first breakfast together, and it spoke volumes to the +rector. He knew what it implied. It stood for his elder sister +Juliana's views on the need of personal sacrifice as a means of grace. +The rector sighed as he rose. He had never missed his younger sister +Philippa, now married and departed, so keenly. Philippa had had +opinions of her own on bacon and eggs and on lamb chops with watercress +as a means of stimulating the soul. But Juliana was different. The +rector understood now exactly why it was that his father had exclaimed, +on the news of Philippa's engagement, without a second's hesitation, +"Then, of course, Juliana must live with you! Nonsense, my dear boy, +nonsense! It's my duty to spare her to you. After all, I can always eat +at the club; they can give me a bite of something or other, surely. To +a man of my age, Edward, food is really of no consequence. No, no; +Juliana must move into the rectory at once." + +The rector's elder sister rose. She looked tall and sallow and +forbidding in the plain black dress that contrasted sadly with the +charming clerical costumes of white and pink and the broad episcopal +hats with flowers in them that Philippa used to wear for morning work +in the parish. + +"For what time shall I order dinner?" she asked. "You and Philippa used +to have it at half-past seven, did you not? Don't you think that rather +too late?" + +"A trifle perhaps," said the rector uneasily. He didn't care to explain +to Juliana that it was impossible to get home any earlier from the kind +of _the dansant_ that everybody was giving just now. "But don't trouble +about dinner. I may be working very late. If I need anything to eat I +shall get a biscuit and some tea at the Guild Rooms, or--" + +He didn't finish the sentence, but in his mind he added, "or else a +really first-class dinner at the Mausoleum Club, or at the Newberrys' +or the Rasselyer-Browns'--anywhere except here." + +"If you are going, then," said Juliana, "may I have the key of the +church." + +A look of pain passed over the rector's face. He knew perfectly well +what Juliana wanted the key for. She meant to go into his church and +pray in it. + +The rector of St. Asaph's was, he trusted, as broad-minded a man as an +Anglican clergyman ought to be. He had no objection to any reasonable +use of his church--for a thanksgiving festival or for musical recitals +for example--but when it came to opening up the church and using it to +pray in, the thing was going a little too far. What was more, he had an +idea from the look on Juliana's face that she meant to pray for _him_. +This, for a clergy man, was hard to bear. Philippa, like the good girl +that she was, had prayed only for herself, and then only at the proper +times and places, and in a proper praying costume. The rector began to +realize what difficulties it might make for a clergyman to have a +religious sister as his house-mate. + +But he was never a man for unseemly argument. "It is hanging in my +study," he said. + +And with that the Rev. Fareforth Furlong passed into the hall took up +the simple silk hat, the stick and gloves of the working clergyman and +walked out on to the avenue to begin his day's work in the parish. + +The rector's parish viewed in its earthly aspect, was a singularly +beautiful place. For it extended all along Plutoria Avenue, where the +street is widest and the elm trees are at their leafiest and the motors +at their very drowsiest. It lay up and down the shaded side streets of +the residential district, darkened with great chestnuts and hushed in a +stillness that was almost religion itself. There was not a house in the +parish assessed at less than twenty-five thousand, and in very heart of +it the Mausoleum Club, with its smooth white stone and its Grecian +architecture, carried one back to the ancient world and made one think +of Athens and of Paul preaching on Mars Hill. It was, all considered, a +splendid thing to fight sin in such a parish and to keep it out of it. +For kept out it was. One might look the length and breadth of the broad +avenue and see no sign of sin all along it. There was certainly none in +the smooth faces of the chauffeurs trundling their drowsy motors; no +sign of it in the expensive children paraded by imported nursemaids in +the chequered light of the shaded street; least of all was there any +sign of it in the Stock Exchange members of the congregation as they +walked along side by side to their lunch at the Mausoleum Club, their +silk hats nodding together in earnest colloquy on Shares Preferred and +Profits Undivided. So might have walked, so must have walked, the very +Fathers of the Church themselves. + +Whatever sin there was in the City was shoved sideways into the roaring +streets of commerce where the elevated railway ran, and below that +again into the slums. Here there must have been any quantity of sin. +The rector of St. Asaph's was certain of it. Many of the richer of his +parishioners had been down in parties late at night to look at it, and +the ladies of his congregation were joined together into all sorts of +guilds and societies and bands of endeavour for stamping it out and +driving it under or putting it into jail till it surrendered. + +But the slums lay outside the rector's parish. He had no right to +interfere. They were under the charge of a special mission or +auxiliary, a remnant of the St. Asaph's of the past, placed under the +care of a divinity student, at four hundred dollars per annum. His +charge included all the slums and three police courts and two music +halls and the City jail. One Sunday afternoon in every three months the +rector and several ladies went down and sang hymns for him in his +mission-house. But his work was really very easy. A funeral, for +example, at the mission, was a simple affair, meaning nothing more than +the preparation of a plain coffin and a glassless hearse and the +distribution of a few artificial everlasting flowers to women crying in +their aprons; a thing easily done: whereas in St. Asaph's parish, where +all the really important souls were, a funeral was a large event, +requiring taste and tact, and a nice shading of delicacy in +distinguishing mourners from beneficiaries, and private grief from +business representation at the ceremony. A funeral with a plain coffin +and a hearse was as nothing beside an interment, with a casket +smothered in hot-house syringas, borne in a coach and followed by +special reporters from the financial papers. + +It appeared to the rector afterwards as almost a shocking coincidence +that the first person whom he met upon the avenue should have been the +Rev. Dr. McTeague himself. Mr. Furlong gave him the form of amiable +"good morning" that the episcopal church always extends to those in +error. But he did not hear it. The minister's head was bent low, his +eyes gazed into vacancy, and from the movements of his lips and from +the fact that he carried a leather case of notes, he was plainly on his +way to his philosophical lecture. But the rector had no time to muse +upon the abstracted appearance of his rival. For, as always happened to +him, he was no sooner upon the street than his parish work of the day +began. In fact, he had hardly taken a dozen steps after passing Dr. +McTeague when he was brought up standing by two beautiful parishioners +with pink parasols. + +"Oh, Mr. Furlong," exclaimed one of them, "so fortunate to happen to +catch you; we were just going into the rectory to consult you. Should +the girls--for the lawn tea for the Guild on Friday, you know--wear +white dresses with light blue sashes all the same, or do you think we +might allow them to wear any coloured sashes that they like? What do +you think?" + +This was an important problem. In fact, there was a piece of parish +work here that it took the Reverend Fareforth half an hour to attend to +standing the while in earnest colloquy with the two ladies under the +shadow of the elm trees. But a clergyman must never be grudging of his +time. + +"Goodbye then," they said at last. "Are you coming to the Browning Club +this morning? Oh, so sorry! but we shall see you at the musicale this +afternoon, shall we not?" + +"Oh, I trust so," said the rector. + +"How dreadfully hard he works," said the ladies to one another as they +moved away. + +Thus slowly and with many interruptions the rector made his progress +along the avenue. At times he stopped to permit a pink-cheeked infant +in a perambulator to beat him with a rattle while he inquired its age +of an episcopal nurse, gay with flowing ribbons. He lifted his hat to +the bright parasols of his parishioners passing in glistening motors, +bowed to episcopalians, nodded amiably to presbyterians, and even +acknowledged with his lifted hat the passing of persons of graver forms +of error. + +Thus he took his way along the avenue and down a side street towards +the business district of the City, until just at the edge of it, where +the trees were about to stop and the shops were about to begin, he +found himself at the door of the Hymnal Supply Corporation, Limited. +The premises as seen from the outside combined the idea of an office +with an ecclesiastical appearance. The door was as that of a chancel or +vestry; there was a large plate-glass window filled with Bibles and +Testaments, all spread open and showing every variety of language in +their pages. These were marked, Arabic, Syriac, Coptic, Ojibway, Irish +and so forth. On the window in small white lettering were the words, +HYMNAL SUPPLY CORPORATION, and below that, HOSANNA PIPE AND STEAM ORGAN +INCORPORATED, and Still lower the legend BIBLE SOCIETY OF THE GOOD +SHEPHERD LIMITED. + +There was no doubt of the sacred character of the place. Here laboured +Mr. Furlong senior, the father of the Rev. Edward Fareforth. He was a +man of many activities; president and managing director of the +companies just mentioned, trustee and secretary of St. Asaph's, +honorary treasurer of the university, etc.; and each of his occupations +and offices was marked by something of a supramundane character, +something higher than ordinary business. His different official +positions naturally overlapped and brought him into contact with +himself from a variety of angles. Thus he sold himself hymn books at a +price per thousand, made as a business favour to himself, negotiated +with himself the purchase of the ten-thousand-dollar organ (making a +price on it to himself that he begged himself to regard as +confidential), and as treasurer of the college he sent himself an +informal note of enquiry asking if he knew of any sound investment for +the annual deficit of the college funds, a matter of some sixty +thousand dollars a year, which needed very careful handling. Any +man--and there are many such--who has been concerned with business +dealings of this sort with himself realizes that they are more +satisfactory than any other kind. + +To what better person, then, could the rector of St. Asaph's bring the +quarterly accounts and statements of his church than to Mr. Furlong +senior. + +The outer door was opened to the rector by a sanctified boy with such a +face as is only found in the choirs of the episcopal church. In an +outer office through which the rector passed were two sacred +stenographers with hair as golden as the daffodils of Sheba, copying +confidential letters on absolutely noiseless typewriters. They were +making offers of Bibles in half-car-load lots at two and a half per +cent reduction, offering to reduce St. Mark by two cents on condition +of immediate export, and to lay down St. John f.o.b. San Francisco for +seven cents, while regretting that they could deliver fifteen thousand +Rock of Ages in Missouri on no other terms than cash. + +The sacred character of their work lent them a preoccupation beautiful +to behold. + +In the room beyond them was a white-haired confidential clerk, +venerable as the Song of Solomon, and by him Mr. Fareforth Furlong was +duly shown into the office of his father. + +"Good morning, Edward," said Mr. Furlong senior, as he shook hands. "I +was expecting you. And while I think of it, I have just had a letter +from Philippa. She and Tom will be home in two or three weeks. She +writes from Egypt. She wishes me to tell you, as no doubt you have +already anticipated, that she thinks she can hardly continue to be a +member of the congregation when they come back. No doubt you felt this +yourself?" + +"Oh, entirely," said the rector. "Surely in matters of belief a wife +must follow her husband." + +"Exactly; especially as Tom's uncles occupy the position they do with +regard to--" Mr. Furlong jerked his head backwards and pointed with his +thumb over his shoulder in a way that his son knew was meant to +indicate St. Osoph's Church. + +The Overend brothers, who were Tom's uncles (his name being Tom +Overend) were, as everybody knew, among the principal supporters of St. +Osoph's. Not that they were, by origin, presbyterians. But they were +self-made men, which put them once and for all out of sympathy with +such a place as St. Asaph's. "We made ourselves," the two brothers used +to repeat in defiance of the catechism of the Anglican Church. They +never wearied of explaining how Mr. Dick, the senior brother, had +worked overtime by day to send Mr. George, the junior brother, to +school by night, and how Mr. George had then worked overtime by night +to send Mr. Dick to school by day. Thus they had come up the business +ladder hand over hand, landing later on in life on the platform of +success like two corpulent acrobats, panting with the strain of it. +"For years," Mr. George would explain, "we had father and mother to +keep as well; then they died, and Dick and me saw daylight." By which +he meant no harm at all, but only stated a fact, and concealed the +virtue of it. + +And being self-made men they made it a point to do what they could to +lessen the importance of such an institution as St. Asaph's Church. By +the same contrariety of nature the two Overend brothers (their business +name was Overend Brothers, Limited) were supporters of the dissentient +Young Men's Guild, and the second or rival University Settlement, and +of anything or everything that showed a likelihood of making trouble. +On this principle they were warm supporters and friends of the Rev. Dr. +McTeague. The minister had even gone so far as to present to the +brothers a copy of his philosophical work "McTeague's Exposition of the +Kantian Hypothesis." and the two brothers had read it through in the +office, devoting each of them a whole morning to it. Mr. Dick, the +senior brother, had said that he had never seen anything like it, and +Mr. George, the junior, had declared that a man who could write that +was capable of anything. + +On the whole it was evident that the relations between the Overend +family and the presbyterian religion were too intimate to allow Mrs. +Tom Overend, formerly Miss Philippa Furlong, to sit anywhere else of a +Sunday than under Dr. McTeague. + +"Philippa writes," continued Mr. Furlong "that under the circumstances +she and Tom would like to do something for your church. She would +like--yes, I have the letter here--to give you, as a surprise, of +course, either a new font or a carved pulpit; or perhaps a cheque; she +wishes me on no account to mention it to you directly, but to ascertain +indirectly from you, what would be the better surprise." + +"Oh, a cheque, I think," said the rector; "one can do so much more with +it, after all." + +"Precisely," said his father; he was well aware of many things that can +be done with a cheque that cannot possibly be done with a font. + +"That's settled then," resumed Mr. Furlong; "and now I suppose you want +me to run my eye over your quarterly statements, do you not, before we +send them in to the trustees? That is what you've come for, is it not?" + +"Yes," said the rector, drawing a bundle of blue and white papers from +his pocket. "I have everything with me. Our showing is, I believe, +excellent, though I fear I fail to present it as clearly as it might be +done." + +Mr. Furlong senior spread the papers on the table before him and +adjusted his spectacles to a more convenient angle. He smiled +indulgently as he looked at the documents before him. + +"I am afraid you would never make an accountant, Edward," he said. + +"I fear not," said the rector. + +"Your items," said his father, "are entered wrongly. Here, for example, +in the general statement, you put down Distribution of Coals to the +Poor to your credit. In the same way, Bibles and Prizes to the Sunday +School you again mark to your credit. Why? Don't you see, my boy, that +these things are debits? When you give out Bibles or distribute fuel to +the poor you give out something for which you get no return. It is a +debit. On the other hand, such items as Church Offertory, Scholars' +Pennies, etc., are pure profit. Surely the principle is clear." + +"I think I see it better now," said the Rev. Edward. + +"Perfectly plain, isn't it?" his father went on. "And here again. +Paupers' Burial Fund, a loss; enter it as such. Christmas Gift to +Verger and Sexton, an absolute loss--you get nothing in return. Widows' +Mite, Fines inflicted in Sunday School, etc., these are profit; write +them down as such. By this method, you see, in ordinary business we can +tell exactly where we stand: anything which we give out without return +or reward we count as a debit; all that we take from others without +giving in return we count as so much to our credit." + +"Ah, yes," murmured the rector. "I begin to understand." + +"Very good. But after all, Edward, I mustn't quarrel with the mere form +of your accounts; the statement is really a splendid showing. I see +that not only is our mortgage and debenture interest all paid to date, +but that a number of our enterprises are making a handsome return. I +notice, for example, that the Girls' Friendly Society of the church not +only pays for itself, but that you are able to take something out of +its funds and transfer it to the Men's Book Club. Excellent! And I +observe that you have been able to take a large portion of the Soup +Kitchen Fund and put it into the Rector's Picnic Account. Very good +indeed. In this respect your figures are a model for church accounts +anywhere." + +Mr. Furlong continued his scrutiny of the accounts. "Excellent," he +murmured, "and on the whole an annual surplus, I see, of several +thousands. But stop a bit," he continued, checking himself; "what's +this? Are you aware, Edward, that you are losing money on your Foreign +Missions Account?" + +"I feared as much," said Edward. + +"It's incontestable. Look at the figures for yourself: missionary's +salary so much, clothes and books to converts so much, voluntary and +other offerings of converts so much why, you're losing on it, Edward!" +exclaimed Mr. Furlong, and he shook his head dubiously at the accounts +before him. + +"I thought," protested his son, "that in view of the character of the +work itself--" + +"Quite so," answered his father, "quite so. I fully admit the force of +that. I am only asking you, is it worth it? Mind you, I am not speaking +now as a Christian, but as a businessman. Is it worth it?" + +"I thought that perhaps, in view of the fact of our large surplus in +other directions--" + +"Exactly," said his father, "a heavy surplus. It is precisely on that +point that I wished to speak to you this morning. You have at present a +large annual surplus, and there is every prospect under Providence--in +fact, I think in any case--of it continuing for years to come. If I may +speak very frankly I should say that as long as our reverend friend, +Dr. McTeague, continues in his charge of St. Osoph's--and I trust that +he may be spared for many years to come--you are likely to enjoy the +present prosperity of your church. Very good. The question arises, what +disposition are we to make of our accumulating funds?" + +"Yes," said the rector, hesitating. + +"I am speaking to you now," said his father "not as the secretary of +your church, but as president of the Hymnal Supply Company which I +represent here. Now please understand, Edward, I don't want in any way +to force or control your judgment. I merely wish to show you +certain--shall I say certain opportunities that present themselves for +the disposal of our funds? The matter can be taken up later, formally, +by yourself and the trustees of the church. As a matter of fact, I have +already written to myself as secretary in the matter, and I have +received what I consider a quite encouraging answer. Let me explain +what I propose." + +Mr. Furlong senior rose, and opening the door of the office, + +"Everett," he said to the ancient clerk, "kindly give me a Bible." + +It was given to him. + +Mr. Furlong stood with the Bible poised in his hand. + +"Now we," he went on, "I mean the Hymnal Supply Corporation, have an +idea for bringing out an entirely new Bible." + +A look of dismay appeared on the saintly face of the rector. + +"A new Bible!" he gasped. + +"Precisely!" said his father, "a new Bible! This one--and we find it +every day in our business--is all wrong." + +"All wrong!" said the rector with horror in his face. + +"My dear boy," exclaimed his father, "pray, pray, do not misunderstand +me. Don't imagine for a moment that I mean wrong in a religious sense. +Such a thought could never, I hope, enter my mind. All that I mean is +that this Bible is badly made up." + +"Badly made up?" repeated his son, as mystified as ever. + +"I see that you do not understand me. What I mean is this. Let me try +to make myself quite clear. For the market of today this Bible"--and he +poised it again on his hand, as if to test its weight, "is too heavy. +The people of today want something lighter, something easier to get +hold of. Now if--" + +But what Mr. Furlong was about to say was lost forever to the world. + +For just at this juncture something occurred calculated to divert not +only Mr. Furlong's sentence, but the fortunes and the surplus of St. +Asaph's itself. At the very moment when Mr. Furlong was speaking a +newspaper delivery man in the street outside handed to the sanctified +boy the office copy of the noonday paper. And the boy had no sooner +looked at its headlines than he said, "How dreadful!" Being sanctified, +he had no stronger form of speech than that. But he handed the paper +forthwith to one of the stenographers with hair like the daffodils of +Sheba, and when she looked at it she exclaimed, "How awful!" And she +knocked at once at the door of the ancient clerk and gave the paper to +him; and when he looked at it and saw the headline the ancient clerk +murmured, "Ah!" in the gentle tone in which very old people greet the +news of catastrophe or sudden death. + +But in his turn he opened Mr. Furlong's door and put down the paper, +laying his finger on the column for a moment without a word. + +Mr. Furlong stopped short in his sentence. "Dear me!" he said as his +eyes caught the item of news. "How very dreadful!" + +"What is it?" said the rector. + +"Dr. McTeague," answered his father. "He has been stricken with +paralysis!" + +"How shocking!" said the rector, aghast. "But when? I saw him only this +morning." + +"It has just happened," said his father, following down the column of +the newspaper as he spoke, "this morning, at the university, in his +classroom, at a lecture. Dear me, how dreadful! I must go and see the +president at once." + +Mr. Furlong was about to reach for his hat and stick when at that +moment the aged clerk knocked at the door. + +"Dr. Boomer," he announced in a tone of solemnity suited to the +occasion. + +Dr. Boomer entered, shook hands in silence and sat down. + +"You have heard our sad news, I suppose?" he said. He used the word +"our" as between the university president and his honorary treasurer. + +"How did it happen?" asked Mr. Furlong. + +"Most distressing," said the president. "Dr. McTeague, it seems, had +just entered his ten o'clock class (the hour was about ten-twenty) and +was about to open his lecture, when one of his students rose in his +seat and asked a question. It is a practice," continued Dr. Boomer, +"which, I need hardly say, we do not encourage; the young man, I +believe, was a newcomer in the philosophy class. At any rate, he asked +Dr. McTeague, quite suddenly it appears; how he could reconcile his +theory of transcendental immaterialism with a scheme of rigid moral +determinism. Dr. McTeague stared for a moment, his mouth, so the class +assert, painfully open. The student repeated the question, and poor +McTeague fell forward over his desk, paralysed." + +"Is he dead?" gasped Mr. Furlong. + +"No," said the president. "But we expect his death at any moment. Dr. +Slyder, I may say, is with him now and is doing all he can." + +"In any case, I suppose, he could hardly recover enough to continue his +college duties," said the young rector. + +"Out of the question," said the president. "I should not like to state +that of itself mere paralysis need incapacitate a professor. Dr. Thrum, +our professor of the theory of music, is, as you know, paralysed in his +ears, and Mr. Slant, our professor of optics, is paralysed in his right +eye. But this is a case of paralysis of the brain. I fear it is +incompatible with professorial work." + +"Then, I suppose," said Mr. Furlong senior, "we shall have to think of +the question of a successor." + +They had both _been_ thinking of it for at least three minutes. "We +must," said the president. "For the moment I feel too stunned by the +sad news to act. I have merely telegraphed to two or three leading +colleges for a _locum tenens_ and sent out a few advertisements +announcing the chair as vacant. But it will be difficult to replace +McTeague. He was a man," added Dr. Boomer, rehearsing in advance, +unconsciously, no doubt, his forthcoming oration over Dr. McTeague's +death, "of a singular grasp, a breadth of culture, and he was able, as +few men are, to instil what I might call a spirit of religion into his +teaching. His lectures, indeed, were suffused with moral instruction, +and exercised over his students an influence second only to that of the +pulpit itself." + +He paused. + +"Ah yes, the pulpit," said Mr. Furlong, "there indeed you will miss +him." + +"That," said Dr. Boomer very reverently, "is our real loss, deep, +irreparable. I suppose, indeed I am certain, we shall never again see +such a man in the pulpit of St. Osoph's. Which reminds me," he added +more briskly, "I must ask the newspaper people to let it be known that +there will be service as usual the day after tomorrow, and that Dr. +McTeague's death will, of course, make no difference--that is to say--I +must see the newspaper people at once." + + * * * * * + +That afternoon all the newspaper editors in the City were busy getting +their obituary notices ready for the demise of Dr. McTeague. + +"The death of Dr. McTeague," wrote the editor of the _Commercial and +Financial Undertone_, a paper which had almost openly advocated the +minister's dismissal for five years back, "comes upon us as an +irreparable loss. His place will be difficult, nay, impossible, to +fill. Whether as a philosopher or a divine he cannot be replaced." + +"We have no hesitation in saying," so wrote the editor of the +_Plutorian Times_, a three-cent morning paper, which was able to take a +broad or three-cent point of view of men and things, "that the loss of +Dr. McTeague will be just as much felt in Europe as in America. To +Germany the news that the hand that penned 'McTeague's Shorter +Exposition of the Kantian Hypothesis' has ceased to write will come +with the shock of poignant anguish; while to France--" + +The editor left the article unfinished at that point. After all, he was +a ready writer, and he reflected that there would be time enough before +actually going to press to consider from what particular angle the blow +of McTeague's death would strike down the people of France. + +So ran in speech and in writing, during two or three days, the requiem +of Dr. McTeague. + +Altogether there were more kind things said of him in the three days +during which he was taken for dead, than in thirty years of his +life--which seemed a pity. + +And after it all, at the close of the third day, Dr. McTeague feebly +opened his eyes. + +But when he opened them the world had already passed on, and left him +behind. + + + +CHAPTER SEVEN: The Ministrations of the Rev. Uttermust Dumfarthing + +"Well, then, gentlemen, I think we have all agreed upon our man?" + +Mr. Dick Overend looked around the table as he spoke at the managing +trustees of St. Osoph's church. They were assembled in an upper +committee room of the Mausoleum Club. Their official place of meeting +was in a board room off the vestry of the church. But they had felt a +draught in it, some four years ago, which had wafted them over to the +club as their place of assembly. In the club there were no draughts. + +Mr. Dick Overend sat at the head of the table, his brother George +beside him, and Dr. Boomer at the foot. Beside them were Mr. Boulder, +Mr. Skinyer (of Skinyer and Beatem) and the rest of the trustees. + +"You are agreed, then, on the Reverend Uttermust Dumfarthing?" + +"Quite agreed," murmured several trustees together. + +"A most remarkable man," said Dr. Boomer. "I heard him preach in his +present church. He gave utterance to thoughts that I have myself been +thinking for years. I never listened to anything so sound or so +scholarly." + +"I heard him the night he preached in New York," said Mr. Boulder. "He +preached a sermon to the poor. He told them they were no good. I never +heard, outside of a Scotch pulpit, such splendid invective." + +"Is he Scotch?" said one of the trustees. + +"Of Scotch parentage," said the university president. "I believe he is +one of the Dumfarthings of Dunfermline, Dumfries." + +Everybody said "Oh," and there was a pause. + +"Is he married?" asked one of the trustees. "I understand," answered +Dr. Boomer, "that he is a widower with one child, a little girl." + +"Does he make any conditions?" + +"None whatever," said the chairman, consulting a letter before him, +"except that he is to have absolute control, and in regard to salary. +These two points settled, he says, he places himself entirely in our +hands." + +"And the salary?" asked someone. + +"Ten thousand dollars," said the chairman, "payable quarterly in +advance." + +A chorus of approval went round the table. "Good," "Excellent," "A +first-class man," muttered the trustees, "just what we want." + +"I am sure, gentlemen," said Mr. Dick Overend, voicing the sentiments +of everybody, "we do _not_ want a cheap man. Several of the candidates +whose names have been under consideration here have been in many +respects--in point of religious qualification, let us say--most +desirable men. The name of Dr. McSkwirt, for example, has been +mentioned with great favour by several of the trustees. But he's a +cheap man. I feel we don't want him." + +"What is Mr. Dumfarthing getting where he is?" asked Mr. Boulder. + +"Nine thousand nine hundred," said the chairman. + +"And Dr. McSkwirt?" + +"Fourteen hundred dollars." + +"Well, that settles it!" exclaimed everybody with a burst of +enlightenment. + +And so it was settled. + +In fact, nothing could have been plainer. + +"I suppose," said Mr. George Overend as they were about to rise, "that +we are quite justified in taking it for granted that Dr. McTeague will +never be able to resume work?" + +"Oh, absolutely for granted," said Dr. Boomer. "Poor McTeague! I hear +from Slyder that he was making desperate efforts this morning to sit up +in bed. His nurse with difficulty prevented him." + +"Is his power of speech gone?" asked Mr. Boulder. + +"Practically so; in any case, Dr. Slyder insists on his not using it. +In fact, poor McTeague's mind is a wreck. His nurse was telling me that +this morning he was reaching out his hand for the newspaper, and seemed +to want to read one of the editorials. It was quite pathetic," +concluded Dr. Boomer, shaking his head. + +So the whole matter was settled, and next day all the town knew that +St. Osoph's Church had extended a call to the Rev. Uttermust +Dumfarthing, and that he had accepted it. + + * * * * * + +Within a few weeks of this date the Reverend Uttermust Dumfarthing +moved into the manse of St. Osoph's and assumed his charge. And +forthwith he became the sole topic of conversation on Plutoria Avenue. +"Have you seen the new minister of St. Osoph's?" everybody asked. "Have +you been to hear Dr. Dumfarthing?" "Were you at St. Osoph's Church on +Sunday morning? Ah, you really should go! most striking sermon I ever +listened to." + +The effect of him was absolute and instantaneous; there was no doubt of +it. + +"My dear," said Mrs. Buncomhearst to one of her friends, in describing +how she had met him, "I never saw a more striking man. Such power in +his face! Mr. Boulder introduced him to me on the avenue, and he hardly +seemed to see me at all, simply scowled! I was never so favourably +impressed with any man." + +On his very first Sunday he preached to his congregation on eternal +punishment, leaning forward in his black gown and shaking his fist at +them. Dr. McTeague had never shaken his fist in thirty years, and as +for the Rev. Fareforth Furlong, he was incapable of it. + +But the Rev. Uttermust Dumfarthing told his congregation that he was +convinced that at least seventy per cent of them were destined for +eternal punishment; and he didn't call it by that name, but labelled it +simply and forcibly "hell." The word had not been heard in any church +in the better part of the City for a generation. The congregation was +so swelled next Sunday that the minister raised the percentage to +eighty-five, and everybody went away delighted. Young and old flocked +to St. Osoph's. Before a month had passed the congregation at the +evening service at St. Asaph's Church was so slender that the +offertory, as Mr. Furlong senior himself calculated, was scarcely +sufficient to pay the overhead charge of collecting it. + +The presence of so many young men sitting in serried files close to the +front was the only feature of his congregation that extorted from the +Rev. Mr. Dumfarthing something like approval. + +"It is a joy to me to see," he remarked to several of his trustees, +"that there are in the City so many godly young men, whatever the +elders may be." + +But there may have been a secondary cause at work, for among the godly +young men of Plutoria Avenue the topic of conversation had not been, +"Have you heard the new presbyterian minister?" but, "Have you seen his +daughter? You haven't? Well, say!" + +For it turned out that the "child" of Dr. Uttermust Dumfarthing, +so-called by the trustees, was the kind of child that wears a little +round hat, straight from Paris, with an upright feather in it, and a +silk dress in four sections, and shoes with high heels that would have +broken the heart of John Calvin. Moreover, she had the distinction of +being the only person on Plutoria Avenue who was not one whit afraid of +the Reverend Uttermust Dumfarthing. She even amused herself, in +violation of all rules, by attending evening service at St. Asaph's, +where she sat listening to the Reverend Edward, and feeling that she +had never heard anything so sensible in her life. + +"I'm simply dying to meet your brother," she said to Mrs. Tom Overend, +otherwise Philippa; "he's such a complete contrast with father." She +knew no higher form of praise: "Father's sermons are always so +frightfully full of religion." + +And Philippa promised that meet him she should. + +But whatever may have been the effect of the presence of Catherine +Dumfarthing, there is no doubt the greater part of the changed +situation was due to Dr. Dumfarthing himself. + +Everything he did was calculated to please. He preached sermons to the +rich and told them they were mere cobwebs, and they liked it; he +preached a special sermon to the poor and warned them to be mighty +careful; he gave a series of weekly talks to workingmen, and knocked +them sideways; and in the Sunday School he gave the children so fierce +a talk on charity and the need of giving freely and quickly, that such +a stream of pennies and nickels poured into Catherine Dumfarthing's +Sunday School Fund as hadn't been seen in the church in fifty years. + +Nor was Mr. Dumfarthing different in his private walk of life. He was +heard to speak openly of the Overend brothers as "men of wrath," and +they were so pleased that they repeated it to half the town. It was the +best business advertisement they had had for years. + +Dr. Boomer was captivated with the man. "True scholarship," he +murmured, as Dr. Dumfarthing poured undiluted Greek and Hebrew from the +pulpit, scorning to translate a word of it. Under Dr. Boomer's charge +the minister was taken over the length and breadth of Plutoria +University, and reviled it from the foundations up. + +"Our library," said the president, "two hundred thousand volumes!" + +"Aye," said the minister, "a powerful heap of rubbish, I'll be bound!" + +"The photograph of our last year's graduating class," said the +president. + +"A poor lot, to judge by the faces of them," said the minister. + +"This, Dr. Dumfarthing, is our new radiographic laboratory; Mr. Spiff, +our demonstrator, is preparing slides which, I believe, actually show +the movements of the atom itself, do they not, Mr. Spiff?" + +"Ah," said the minister, piercing Mr. Spiff from beneath his dark +brows, "it will not avail you, young man." + +Dr. Boomer was delighted. "Poor McTeague," he said--"and by the way, +Boyster, I hear that McTeague is trying to walk again; a great error, +it shouldn't be allowed!--poor McTeague knew nothing of science." + +The students themselves shared in the enthusiasm, especially after Dr. +Dumfarthing had given them a Sunday afternoon talk in which he showed +that their studies were absolutely futile. As soon as they knew this +they went to work with a vigour that put new life into the college. + + * * * * * + +Meantime the handsome face of the Reverend Edward Fareforth Furlong +began to wear a sad and weary look that had never been seen on it +before. He watched the congregation drifting from St. Asaph's to St. +Osoph's and was powerless to prevent it. His sadness reached its climax +one bright afternoon in the late summer, when he noticed that even his +episcopal blackbirds were leaving his elms and moving westward to the +spruce trees of the manse. + +He stood looking at them with melancholy on his face. "Why, Edward," +cried his sister, Philippa, as her motor stopped beside him, "how +doleful you look! Get into the car and come out into the country for a +ride. Let the parish teas look after themselves for today." + +Tom, Philippa's husband, was driving his own car--he was rich enough to +be able to--and seated with Philippa in the car was an unknown person, +as prettily dressed as Philippa herself. To the rector she was +presently introduced as Miss Catherine Something--he didn't hear the +rest of it. Nor did he need to. It was quite plain that her surname, +whatever it was, was a very temporary and transitory affair. + +So they sped rapidly out of the City and away out into the country, +mile after mile, through cool, crisp air, and among woods with the +touch of autumn bright already upon them, and with blue sky and great +still clouds white overhead. And the afternoon was so beautiful and so +bright that as they went along there was no talk about religion at all! +nor was there any mention of Mothers' Auxiliaries, or Girls' Friendly +Societies, nor any discussion of the poor. It was too glorious a day. +But they spoke instead of the new dances, and whether they had come to +stay, and of such sensible topics as that. Then presently, as they went +on still further, Philippa leaned forwards and talked to Tom over his +shoulder and reminded him that this was the very road to Castel +Casteggio, and asked him if he remembered coming up it with her to join +the Newberry's ever so long ago. Whatever it was that Tom answered it +is not recorded, but it is certain that it took so long in the saying +that the Reverend Edward talked in tete-a-tete with Catherine for +fifteen measured miles, and was unaware that it was more than five +minutes. Among other things he said, and she agreed--or she said and he +agreed--that for the new dances it was necessary to have always one and +the same partner, and to keep that partner all the time. And somehow +simple sentiments of that sort, when said direct into a pair of +listening blue eyes behind a purple motor veil, acquire an infinite +significance. + +Then, not much after that, say three or four minutes, they were all of +a sudden back in town again, running along Plutoria Avenue, and to the +rector's surprise the motor was stopping outside the manse, and +Catherine was saying, "Oh, thank you ever so much, Philippa; it was +just heavenly!" which showed that the afternoon had had its religious +features after all. "What!" said the rector's sister, as they moved off +again, "didn't you know? That's Catherine Dumfarthing!" + + * * * * * + +When the Rev. Fareforth Furlong arrived home at the rectory he spent an +hour or so in the deepest of deep thought in an armchair in his study. +Nor was it any ordinary parish problem that he was revolving in his +mind. He was trying to think out some means by which his sister Juliana +might be induced to commit the sin of calling on the daughter of a +presbyterian minister. + +The thing had to be represented as in some fashion or other an act of +self-denial, a form of mortification of the flesh. Otherwise he knew +Juliana would never do it. But to call on Miss Catherine Dumfarthing +seemed to him such an altogether delightful and unspeakably blissful +process that he hardly knew how to approach the topic. So when Juliana +presently came home the rector could find no better way of introducing +the subject than by putting it on the ground of Philippa's marriage to +Miss Dumfarthing's father's trustee's nephew. + +"Juliana," he said, "don't you think that perhaps, on account of +Philippa and Tom, you ought--or at least it might be best for you to +call on Miss Dumfarthing?" + +Juliana turned to her brother as he laid aside her bonnet and her black +gloves. + +"I've just been there this afternoon," she said. + +There was something as near to a blush on her face as her brother had +ever seen. + +"But she was not there!" he said. + +"No," answered Juliana, "but Mr. Dumfarthing was. I stayed and talked +some time with him, waiting for her." + +The rector gave a sort of whistle, or rather that blowing out of air +which is the episcopal symbol for it. + +"Didn't you find him pretty solemn?" he said. + +"Solemn!" answered his sister. "Surely, Edward, a man in such a calling +as his ought to be solemn." + +"I don't mean that exactly," said the rector; "I mean--er--hard, +bitter, so to speak." + +"Edward!" exclaimed Juliana, "how can you speak so. Mr. Dumfarthing +hard! Mr. Dumfarthing bitter! Why, Edward, the man is gentleness and +kindness itself. I don't think I ever met anyone so full of sympathy, +of compassion with suffering." + +Juliana's face had flushed It was quite plain that she saw things in +the Reverend Uttermust Dumfarthing--as some one woman does in every +man--that no one else could see. + +The Reverend Edward was abashed. "I wasn't thinking of his character," +he said. "I was thinking rather of his doctrines. Wait till you have +heard him preach." + +Juliana flushed more deeply still. "I heard him last Sunday evening," +she said. + +The rector was silent, and his sister, as if impelled to speak, went on, + +"And I don't see, Edward, how anyone could think him a hard or bigoted +man in his creed. He walked home with me to the gate just now, and he +was speaking of all the sin in the world, and of how few, how very few +people, can be saved, and how many will have to be burned as worthless; +and he spoke so beautifully. He regrets it, Edward, regrets it deeply. +It is a real grief to him." + +On which Juliana, half in anger, withdrew, and her brother the rector +sat back in his chair with smiles rippling all over his saintly face. +For he had been wondering whether it would be possible, even remotely +possible, to get his sister to invite the Dumfarthings to high tea at +the rectory some day at six o'clock (evening dinner was out of the +question), and now he knew within himself that the thing was as good as +done. + + * * * * * + +While such things as these were happening and about to happen, there +were many others of the congregation of St. Asaph's beside the rector +to whom the growing situation gave cause for serious perplexities. +Indeed, all who were interested in the church, the trustees and the +mortgagees and the underlying debenture-holders, were feeling anxious. +For some of them underlay the Sunday School, whose scholars' offerings +had declined forty per cent, and others underlay the new organ, not yet +paid for, while others were lying deeper still beneath the ground site +of the church with seven dollars and a half a square foot resting on +them. + +"I don't like it," said Mr. Lucullus Fyshe to Mr. Newberry (they were +both prominent members of the congregation). "I don't like the look of +things. I took up a block of Furlong's bonds on his Guild building from +what seemed at the time the best of motives. The interest appeared +absolutely certain. Now it's a month overdue on the last quarter. I +feel alarmed." + +"Neither do I like it," said Mr. Newberry, shaking his head; "and I'm +sorry for Fareforth Furlong. An excellent fellow, Fyshe, excellent. I +keep wondering Sunday after Sunday, if there isn't something I can do +to help him out. One might do something further, perhaps, in the way of +new buildings or alterations. I have, in fact, offered--by myself, I +mean, and without other aid--to dynamite out the front of his church, +underpin it, and put him in a Norman gateway; either that, or blast out +the back of it where the choir sit, just as he likes. I was thinking +about it last Sunday as they were singing the anthem, and realizing +what a lot one might do there with a few sticks of dynamite." + +"I doubt it," said Mr. Fyshe. "In fact, Newberry, to speak very +frankly, I begin to ask myself, Is Furlong the man for the post?" + +"Oh, surely," said Mr. Newberry in protest. + +"Personally a charming fellow," went on Mr. Fyshe; "but is he, all said +and done, quite the man to conduct a church? In the _first_ place, he +is _not_ a businessman." + +"No," said Mr. Newberry reluctantly, "that I admit." + +"Very good. And, _secondly_, even in the matter of his religion itself, +one always feels as if he were too little fixed, too unstable. He +simply moves with the times. That, at least, is what people are +beginning to say of him, that he is perpetually moving with the times. +It doesn't do, Newberry, it doesn't do." Whereupon Mr. Newberry went +away troubled and wrote to Fareforth Furlong a confidential letter with +a signed cheque in it for the amount of Mr. Fyshe's interest, and with +such further offerings of dynamite, of underpinning and blasting as his +conscience prompted. + +When the rector received and read the note and saw the figures of the +cheque, there arose such a thankfulness in his spirit as he hadn't felt +for months, and he may well have murmured, for the repose of Mr. +Newberry's soul, a prayer not found in the rubric of King James. + +All the more cause had he to feel light at heart, for as it chanced, it +was on that same evening that the Dumfarthings, father and daughter, +were to take tea at the rectory. Indeed, a few minutes before six +o'clock they might have been seen making their way from the manse to +the rectory. + +On their way along the avenue the minister took occasion to reprove his +daughter for the worldliness of her hat (it was a little trifle from +New York that she had bought out of the Sunday School money--a +temporary loan); and a little further on he spoke to her severely about +the parasol she carried; and further yet about the strange fashion, +specially condemned by the Old Testament, in which she wore her hair. +So Catherine knew in her heart from this that she must be looking her +very prettiest, and went into the rectory radiant. + +The tea was, of course, an awkward meal at the best. There was an +initial difficulty about grace, not easily surmounted. And when the +Rev. Mr. Dumfarthing sternly refused tea as a pernicious drink +weakening to the system, the Anglican rector was too ignorant of the +presbyterian system to know enough to give him Scotch whiskey. + +But there were bright spots in the meal as well. The rector was even +able to ask Catherine, sideways as a personal question, if she played +tennis; and she was able to whisper behind her hand, "Not allowed," and +to make a face in the direction of her father, who was absorbed for the +moment in a theological question with Juliana. Indeed, before the +conversation became general again the rector had contrived to make a +rapid arrangement with Catherine whereby she was to come with him to +the Newberry's tennis court the day following and learn the game, with +or without permission. + +So the tea was perhaps a success in its way. And it is noteworthy that +Juliana spent the days that followed it in reading Calvin's +"Institutes" (specially loaned to her) and "Dumfarthing on the +Certainty of Damnation" (a gift), and in praying for her brother--a +task practically without hope. During which same time the rector in +white flannels, and Catherine in a white duck skirt and blouse, were +flying about on the green grass of the Newberrys' court, and calling, +"love," "love all," to one another so gaily and so brazenly that even +Mr. Newberry felt that there must be something in it. + +But all these things came merely as interludes in the moving currents +of greater events; for as the summer faded into autumn and autumn into +winter the anxieties of the trustees of St. Asaph's began to call for +action of some sort. + + * * * * * + +"Edward," said the rector's father on the occasion of their next +quarterly discussion, "I cannot conceal from you that the position of +things is very serious. Your statements show a falling off in every +direction. Your interest is everywhere in arrears; your current account +overdrawn to the limit. At this rate, you know, the end is inevitable. +Your debenture and bondholders will decide to foreclose; and if they +do, you know, there is no power that can stop them. Even with your +limited knowledge of business you are probably aware that there is no +higher power that can influence or control the holder of a first +mortgage." + +"I fear so," said the Rev. Edward very sadly. + +"Do you not think perhaps that some of the shortcoming lies with +yourself?" continued Mr. Furlong. "Is it not possible that as a +preacher you fail somewhat, do not, as it were, deal sufficiently with +fundamental things as others do? You leave untouched the truly vital +issues, such things as the creation, death, and, if I may refer to it, +the life beyond the grave." + +As a result of which the Reverend Edward preached a series of special +sermons on the creation for which he made a special and arduous +preparation in the library of Plutoria University. He said that it had +taken a million, possibly a hundred million years of quite difficult +work to accomplish, and that though when we looked at it all was +darkness still we could not be far astray if we accepted and held fast +to the teachings of Sir Charles Lyell. The book of Genesis, he said was +not to be taken as meaning a day when it said a day, but rather +something other than a mere day; and the word "light" meant not exactly +light but possibly some sort of phosphorescence, and that the use of +the word "darkness" was to be understood not as meaning darkness, but +to be taken as simply indicating obscurity. And when he had quite +finished, the congregation declared the whole sermon to be mere milk +and water. It insulted their intelligence, they said. After which, a +week later, the Rev. Dr. Dumfarthing took up the same subject, and with +the aid of seven plain texts pulverized the rector into fragments. + +One notable result of the controversy was that Juliana Furlong refused +henceforth to attend her brother's church and sat, even at morning +service, under the minister of St. Osoph's. + +"The sermon was, I fear, a mistake," said Mr. Furlong senior; "perhaps +you had better not dwell too much on such topics. We must look for aid +in another direction. In fact, Edward, I may mention to you in +confidence that certain of your trustees are already devising ways and +means that may help us out of our dilemma." + +Indeed, although the Reverend Edward did not know it, a certain idea, +or plan, was already germinating in the minds of the most influential +supporters of St. Asaph's. + +Such was the situation of the rival churches of St. Asaph and St. Osoph +as the autumn slowly faded into winter: during which time the elm trees +on Plutoria Avenue shivered and dropped their leaves and the chauffeurs +of the motors first turned blue in their faces and then, when the great +snows came, were suddenly converted into liveried coachmen with tall +bearskins and whiskers like Russian horseguards, changing back again to +blue-nosed chauffeurs the very moment of a thaw. During this time also +the congregation of the Reverend Fareforth Furlong was diminishing +month by month, and that of the Reverend Uttermust Dumfarthing was so +numerous that they filled up the aisles at the back of the church. Here +the worshippers stood and froze, for the minister had abandoned the use +of steam heat in St. Osoph's on the ground that he could find no +warrant for it. + +During the same period other momentous things were happening, such as +that Juliana Furlong was reading, under the immediate guidance of Dr. +Dumfarthing, the History of the Progress of Disruption in the Churches +of Scotland in ten volumes; such also as that Catherine Dumfarthing was +wearing a green and gold winter suit with Russian furs and a Balkan hat +and a Circassian feather, which cut a wide swath of destruction among +the young men on Plutoria Avenue every afternoon as she passed. +Moreover by the strangest of coincidences she scarcely ever seemed to +come along the snow-covered avenue without meeting the Reverend +Edward--a fact which elicited new exclamations of surprise from them +both every day: and by an equally strange coincidence they generally +seemed, although coming in different directions, to be bound for the +same place; towards which they wandered together with such slow steps +and in such oblivion of the passers-by that even the children on the +avenue knew by instinct whither they were wandering. + +It was noted also that the broken figure of Dr. McTeague had reappeared +upon the street, leaning heavily upon a stick and greeting those he met +with such a meek and willing affability, as if in apology for his +stroke of paralysis, that all who talked with him agreed that +McTeague's mind was a wreck. + +"He stood and spoke to me about the children for at least a quarter of +an hour," related one of his former parishioners, "asking after them by +name, and whether they were going to school yet and a lot of questions +like that. He never used to speak of such things. Poor old McTeague, +I'm afraid he is getting soft in the head." "I know," said the person +addressed. "His mind is no good. He stopped me the other day to say how +sorry he was to hear about my brother's illness. I could see from the +way he spoke that his brain is getting feeble. He's losing his grip. He +was speaking of how kind people had been to him after his accident and +there were tears in his eyes. I think he's getting batty." + +Nor were even these things the most momentous happenings of the period. +For as winter slowly changed to early spring it became known that +something of great portent was under way. It was rumoured that the +trustees of St. Asaph's Church were putting their heads together. This +was striking news. The last time that the head of Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, +for example, had been placed side by side with that of Mr. Newberry, +there had resulted a merger of four soda-water companies, bringing what +was called industrial peace over an area as big as Texas and raising +the price of soda by three peaceful cents per bottle. And the last time +that Mr. Furlong senior's head had been laid side by side with those of +Mr. Rasselyer-Brown and Mr. Skinyer, they had practically saved the +country from the horrors of a coal famine by the simple process of +raising the price of nut coal seventy-five cents a ton and thus +guaranteeing its abundance. + +Naturally, therefore, when it became known that such redoubtable heads +as those of the trustees and the underlying mortgagees of St. Asaph's +were being put together, it was fully expected that some important +development would follow. It was not accurately known from which of the +assembled heads first proceeded the great idea which was presently to +solve the difficulties of the church. It may well have come from that +of Mr. Lucullus Fyshe. Certainly a head which had brought peace out of +civil war in the hardware business by amalgamating ten rival stores and +had saved the very lives of five hundred employees by reducing their +wages fourteen per cent, was capable of it. + +At any rate it was Mr. Fyshe who first gave the idea a definite +utterance. + +"It's the only thing, Furlong," he said, across the lunch table at the +Mausoleum Club. "It's the one solution. The two churches can't live +under the present conditions of competition. We have here practically +the same situation as we had with two rum distilleries--the output is +too large for the demand. One or both of the two concerns must go +under. It's their turn just now, but these fellows are business men +enough to know that it may be ours tomorrow. We'll offer them a +business solution. We'll propose a merger." + +"I've been thinking of it," said Mr. Furlong senior, "I suppose it's +feasible?" + +"Feasible!" exclaimed Mr. Fyshe. "Why look what's being done every day +everywhere, from the Standard Oil Company downwards." + +"You would hardly, I think," said Mr. Furlong, with a quiet smile, +"compare the Standard Oil Company to a church?" "Well, no, I suppose +not," said Mr. Fyshe, and he too smiled--in fact he almost laughed. The +notion was too ridiculous. One could hardly compare a mere church to a +thing of the magnitude and importance of the Standard Oil Company. + +"But on a lesser scale," continued Mr. Fyshe, "it's the same sort of +thing. As for the difficulties of it, I needn't remind you of the much +greater difficulties we had to grapple with in the rum merger. There, +you remember, a number of the women held out as a matter of principle. +It was not mere business with them. Church union is different. In fact +it is one of the ideas of the day and everyone admits that what is +needed is the application of the ordinary business principles of +harmonious combination, with a proper--er--restriction of output and +general economy of operation." + +"Very good," said Mr. Furlong, "I'm sure if you're willing to try, the +rest of us are." + +"All right," said Mr. Fyshe. "I thought of setting Skinyer, of Skinyer +and Beatem, to work on the form of the organization. As you know he is +not only a deeply religious man but he has already handled the Tin Pot +Combination and the United Hardware and the Associated Tanneries. He +ought to find this quite simple." + + * * * * * + +Within a day or two Mr. Skinyer had already commenced his labours. "I +must first," he said, "get an accurate idea of the existing legal +organization of the two churches." + +For which purpose he approached the rector of St. Asaph's. "I just want +to ask you, Mr. Furlong," said the lawyer, "a question or two as to the +exact constitution, the form so to speak, of your church. What is it? +Is it a single corporate body?" + +"I suppose," said the rector thoughtfully, "one would define it as an +indivisible spiritual unit manifesting itself on earth." "Quite so," +interrupted Mr. Skinyer, "but I don't mean what it is in the religious +sense: I mean, in the real sense." "I fail to understand," said Mr. +Furlong. + +"Let me put it very clearly," said the lawyer. "Where does it get its +authority?" + +"From above." said the rector reverently. + +"Precisely," said Mr. Skinyer, "no doubt, but I mean its authority in +the exact sense of the term." + +"It was enjoined on St. Peter," began the rector, but Mr. Skinyer +interrupted him. + +"That I am aware of," he said, "but what I mean is--where does your +church get its power, for example, to hold property, to collect debts, +to use distraint against the property of others, to foreclose its +mortgages and to cause judgement to be executed against those who fail +to pay their debts to it? You will say at once that it has these powers +direct from Heaven. No doubt that is true and no religious person would +deny it. But we lawyers are compelled to take a narrower, a less +elevating point of view. Are these powers conferred on you by the state +legislature or by some higher authority?" + +"Oh, by a higher authority, I hope," said the rector very fervently. +Whereupon Mr. Skinyer left him without further questioning, the +rector's brain being evidently unfit for the subject of corporation law. + +On the other hand he got satisfaction from the Rev. Dr. Dumfarthing at +once. + +"The church of St. Osoph," said the minister, "is a perpetual trust, +holding property as such under a general law of the state and able as +such to be made the object of suit or distraint. I speak with some +assurance as I had occasion to enquire into the matter at the time when +I was looking for guidance in regard to the call I had received to come +here." + + * * * * * + +"It's a quite simple matter," Mr. Skinyer presently reported to Mr. +Fyshe. "One of the churches is a perpetual trust, the other practically +a state corporation. Each has full control over its property provided +nothing is done by either to infringe the purity of its doctrine." + +"Just what does that mean?" asked Mr. Fyshe. + +"It must maintain its doctrine absolutely pure. Otherwise if certain of +its trustees remain pure and the rest do not, those who stay pure are +entitled to take the whole of the property. This, I believe, happens +every day in Scotland where, of course, there is great eagerness to +remain pure in doctrine." + +"And what do you define as _pure_ doctrine?" asked Mr. Fyshe. + +"If the trustees are in dispute," said Mr. Skinyer, "the courts decide, +but any doctrine is held to be a pure doctrine if _all_ the trustees +regard it as a pure doctrine." + +"I see," said Mr. Fyshe thoughtfully, "it's the same thing as what we +called 'permissible policy' on the part of directors in the Tin Pot +Combination." + +"Exactly," assented Mr. Skinyer, "and it means that for the merger we +need nothing--I state it very frankly--except general consent." + + * * * * * + +The preliminary stages of the making of the merger followed along +familiar business lines. The trustees of St. Asaph's went through the +process known as 'approaching' the trustees of St. Osoph's. First of +all, for example, Mr. Lucullus Fyshe invited Mr. Asmodeus Boulder of +St. Osoph's to lunch with him at the Mausoleum Club; the cost of the +lunch, as is usual in such cases, was charged to the general expense +account of the church. Of course nothing whatever was said during the +lunch about the churches or their finances or anything concerning them. +Such discussion would have been a gross business impropriety. A few +days later the two brothers Overend dined with Mr. Furlong senior, the +dinner being charged directly to the contingencies account of St. +Asaph's. After which Mr. Skinyer and his partner, Mr. Beatem, went to +the spring races together on the Profit and Loss account of St. +Osoph's, and Philippa Overend and Catherine Dumfarthing were taken (by +the Unforeseen Disbursements Account) to the grand opera, followed by a +midnight supper. + +All of these things constituted what was called the promotion of the +merger and were almost exactly identical with the successive stages of +the making of the Amalgamated Distilleries and the Associated Tin Pot +Corporation; which was considered a most hopeful sign. + + * * * * * + +"Do you think they'll go into it?" asked Mr. Newberry of Mr. Furlong +senior, anxiously. "After all, what inducement have they?" + +"Every inducement," said Mr. Furlong. "All said and done they've only +one large asset--Dr. Dumfarthing. We're really offering to buy up Dr. +Dumfarthing by pooling our assets with theirs." + +"And what does Dr. Dumfarthing himself say to it?" + +"Ah, there I am not so sure," said Mr. Furlong; "that may be a +difficulty. So far there hasn't been a word from him, and his trustees +are absolutely silent about his views. However, we shall soon know all +about it. Skinyer is asking us all to come together one evening next +week to draw up the articles of agreement." + +"Has he got the financial basis arranged then?" + +"I believe so," said Mr. Furlong. "His idea is to form a new +corporation to be known as the United Church Limited or by some similar +name. All the present mortgagees will be converted into unified +bondholders, the pew rents will be capitalized into preferred stock and +the common stock, drawing its dividend from the offertory, will be +distributed among all members in standing. Skinyer says that it is +really an ideal form of church union, one that he thinks is likely to +be widely adopted. It has the advantage of removing all questions of +religion, which he says are practically the only remaining obstacle to +a union of all the churches. In fact it puts the churches once and for +all on a business basis." + +"But what about the question of doctrine, of belief?" asked Mr. +Newberry. + +"Skinyer says he can settle it," answered Mr. Furlong. + + * * * * * + +About a week after the above conversation the united trustees of St. +Asaph's and St. Osoph's were gathered about a huge egg-shaped table in +the board room of the Mausoleum Club. They were seated in intermingled +fashion after the precedent of the recent Tin Pot Amalgamation and were +smoking huge black cigars specially kept by the club for the promotion +of companies and chargeable to expenses of organization at fifty cents +a cigar. There was an air of deep peace brooding over the assembly, as +among men who have accomplished a difficult and meritorious task. + +"Well, then," said Mr. Skinyer, who was in the chair, with a pile of +documents in front of him, "I think that our general basis of financial +union may be viewed as settled." + +A murmur of assent went round the meeting. "The terms are set forth in +the memorandum before us, which you have already signed. Only one other +point--a minor one--remains to be considered. I refer to the doctrines +or the religious belief of the new amalgamation." + +"Is it necessary to go into that?" asked Mr. Boulder. + +"Not entirely, perhaps," said Mr. Skinyer. "Still there have been, as +you all know, certain points--I won't say of disagreement--but let us +say of friendly argument--between the members of the different +churches--such things for example," here he consulted his papers, "as +the theory of the creation, the salvation of the soul, and so forth, +have been mentioned in this connection. I have a memorandum of them +here, though the points escape me for the moment. These, you may say, +are not matters of first importance, especially as compared with the +intricate financial questions which we have already settled in a +satisfactory manner. Still I think it might be well if I were permitted +with your unanimous approval to jot down a memorandum or two to be +afterwards embodied in our articles." + +There was a general murmur of approval. "Very good," said Mr. Skinyer, +settling himself back in his chair. "Now, first, in regard to the +creation," here he looked all round the meeting in a way to command +attention--"Is it your wish that we should leave that merely to a +gentlemen's agreement or do you want an explicit clause?" + +"I think it might be well," said Mr. Dick Overend, "to leave no doubt +about the theory of the creation." + +"Good," said Mr. Skinyer. "I am going to put it down then something +after this fashion: 'On and after, let us say, August 1st proximo, the +process of the creation shall be held, and is hereby held, to be such +and such only as is acceptable to a majority of the holders of common +and preferred stock voting pro rata.' Is that agreed?" + +"Carried," cried several at once. + +"Carried," repeated Mr. Skinyer. "Now let us pass on"--here he +consulted his notes--"to item two, eternal punishment. I have made a +memorandum as follows, 'Should any doubts arise, on or after August +first proximo, as to the existence of eternal punishment they shall be +settled absolutely and finally by a pro-rata vote of all the holders of +common and preferred stock.' Is that agreed?" + +"One moment!" said Mr. Fyshe, "do you think that quite fair to the +bondholders? After all, as the virtual holders of the property, they +are the persons most interested. I should like to amend your clause and +make it read--I am not phrasing it exactly but merely giving the sense +of it--that eternal punishment should be reserved for the mortgagees +and bondholders." + +At this there was an outbreak of mingled approval and dissent, several +persons speaking at once. In the opinion of some the stockholders of +the company, especially the preferred stockholders, had as good a right +to eternal punishment as the bondholders. Presently Mr. Skinyer, who +had been busily writing notes, held up his hand for silence. + +"Gentlemen," he said, "will you accept this as a compromise? We will +keep the original clause but merely add to it the words, 'but no form +of eternal punishment shall be declared valid if displeasing to a +three-fifths majority of the holders of bonds.'" + +"Carried, carried," cried everybody. + +"To which I think we need only add," said Mr. Skinyer, "a clause to the +effect that all other points of doctrine, belief or religious principle +may be freely altered, amended, reversed or entirely abolished at any +general annual meeting!" + +There was a renewed chorus of "Carried, carried," and the trustees rose +from the table shaking hands with one another, and lighting fresh +cigars as they passed out of the club into the night air. + +"The only thing that I don't understand," said Mr. Newberry to Dr. +Boomer as they went out from the club arm in arm (for they might now +walk in that fashion with the same propriety as two of the principals +in a distillery merger), "the only thing that I don't understand is why +the Reverend Mr. Dumfarthing should be willing to consent to the +amalgamation." + +"Do you really not know?" said Dr. Boomer. + +"No." + +"You have heard nothing?" + +"Not a word," said Mr. Newberry. + +"Ah," rejoined the president, "I see that our men have kept it very +quiet--naturally so, in view of the circumstances. The truth is that +the Reverend Mr. Dumfarthing is leaving us." + +"Leaving St. Osoph's!" exclaimed Mr. Newberry in utter astonishment. + +"To our great regret. He has had a call--a most inviting field of work, +he says, a splendid opportunity. They offered him ten thousand one +hundred; we were only giving him ten thousand here, though of course +that feature of the situation would not weigh at all with a man like +Dumfarthing." + +"Oh no, of course not," said Mr. Newberry. + +"As soon as we heard of the call we offered him ten thousand three +hundred--not that that would make any difference to a man of his +character. Indeed Dumfarthing was still waiting and looking for +guidance when they offered him eleven thousand. We couldn't meet it. It +was beyond us, though we had the consolation of knowing that with such +a man as Dumfarthing the money made no difference." + +"And he has accepted the call?" + +"Yes. He accepted it today. He sent word to Mr. Dick Overend our +chairman, that he would remain in his manse, looking for light, until +two-thirty, after which, if we had not communicated with him by that +hour, he would cease to look for it." + +"Dear me," said Mr. Newberry, deep in reflection, "so that when your +trustees came to the meeting--" + +"Exactly," said Dr. Boomer--and something like a smile passed across +his features for a moment "Dr. Dumfarthing had already sent away his +telegram of acceptance." + +"Why, then," said Mr. Newberry, "at the time of our discussion tonight, +you were in the position of having no minister." + +"Not at all. We had already appointed a successor." + +"A successor?" + +"Certainly. It will be in tomorrow morning's papers. The fact is that +we decided to ask Dr. McTeague to resume his charge." + +"Dr. McTeague!" repeated Mr. Newberry in amazement. "But surely his +mind is understood to be--" + +"Oh not at all," interrupted Dr. Boomer. "His mind appears if anything, +to be clearer and stronger than ever. Dr. Slyder tells us that +paralysis of the brain very frequently has this effect; it soothes the +brain--clears it, as it were, so that very often intellectual problems +which occasioned the greatest perplexity before present no difficulty +whatever afterwards. Dr. McTeague, I believe, finds no trouble now in +reconciling St. Paul's dialectic with Hegel as he used to. He says that +so far as he can see they both mean the same thing." + +"Well, well," said Mr. Newberry, "and will Dr. McTeague also resume his +philosophical lectures at the university?" + +"We think it wiser not," said the president. "While we feel that Dr. +McTeague's mind is in admirable condition for clerical work we fear +that professorial duties might strain it. In order to get the full +value of his remarkable intelligence, we propose to elect him to the +governing body of the university. There his brain will be safe from any +shock. As a professor there would always be the fear that one of his +students might raise a question in his class. This of course is not a +difficulty that arises in the pulpit or among the governors of the +university." + +"Of course not," said Mr. Newberry. + + * * * * * + +Thus was constituted the famous union or merger of the churches of St. +Asaph and St. Osoph, viewed by many of those who made it as the +beginning of a new era in the history of the modern church. + +There is no doubt that it has been in every way an eminent success. + +Rivalry, competition, and controversies over points of dogma have +become unknown on Plutoria Avenue. The parishioners of the two churches +may now attend either of them just as they like. As the trustees are +fond of explaining it doesn't make the slightest difference. The entire +receipts of the churches, being now pooled, are divided without +reference to individual attendance. At each half year there is issued a +printed statement which is addressed to the shareholders of the United +Churches Limited and is hardly to be distinguished in style or material +from the annual and semi-annual reports of the Tin Pot Amalgamation and +the United Hardware and other quasi-religious bodies of the sort. "Your +directors," the last of these documents states, "are happy to inform +you that in spite of the prevailing industrial depression the gross +receipts of the corporation have shown such an increase as to justify +the distribution of a stock dividend of special Offertory Stock +Cumulative, which will be offered at par to all holders of common or +preferred shares. You will also be gratified to learn that the +directors have voted unanimously in favour of a special presentation to +the Rev. Uttermust Dumfarthing on the occasion of his approaching +marriage. It was earnestly debated whether this gift should take the +form, as at first suggested, of a cash presentation, or as afterwards +suggested, of a written testimonial in the form of an address. The +latter course was finally adopted as being more fitting to the +circumstances and the address has accordingly been prepared, setting +forth to the Rev. Dr. Dumfarthing, in old English lettering and +wording, the opinion which is held of him by his former parishioners." + +The "approaching marriage" referred of course to Dr. Dumfarthing's +betrothal to Juliana Furlong. It was not known that he had ever exactly +proposed to her. But it was understood that before giving up his charge +he drew her attention, in very severe terms, to the fact that, as his +daughter was now leaving him, he must either have someone else to look +after his manse or else be compelled to incur the expense of a paid +housekeeper. This latter alternative, he said, was not one that he +cared to contemplate. He also reminded her that she was now at a time +of life when she could hardly expect to pick and choose and that her +spiritual condition was one of, at least, great uncertainty. These +combined statements are held, under the law of Scotland at any rate, to +be equivalent to an offer of marriage. + +Catherine Dumfarthing did not join her father in his new manse. She +first remained behind him, as the guest of Philippa Overend for a few +weeks while she was occupied in packing up her things. After that she +stayed for another two or three weeks to unpack them. This had been +rendered necessary by a conversation held with the Reverend Edward +Fareforth Furlong, in a shaded corner of the Overend's garden. After +which, in due course of time, Catherine and Edward were married, the +ceremony being performed by the Reverend Dr. McTeague whose eyes filled +with philosophical tears as he gave them his blessing. + +So the two churches of St. Asaph and St. Osoph stand side by side +united and at peace. Their bells call softly back and forward to one +another on Sunday mornings and such is the harmony between them that +even the episcopal rooks in the elm trees of St. Asaph's and the +presbyterian crows in the spruce trees of St. Osoph's are known to +exchange perches on alternate Sundays. + + + +CHAPTER EIGHT: The Great Fight for Clean Government + +"As to the government of this city," said Mr. Newberry, leaning back in +a leather armchair at the Mausoleum Club and lighting a second cigar, +"it's rotten, that's all." + +"Absolutely rotten," assented Mr. Dick Overend, ringing the bell for a +second whiskey and soda. + +"Corrupt," said Mr. Newberry, between two puffs of his cigar. + +"Full of graft," said Mr. Overend, flicking his ashes into the grate. + +"Crooked aldermen," said Mr. Newberry. + +"A bum city solicitor," said Mr. Overend, "and an infernal grafter for +treasurer." + +"Yes," assented Mr. Newberry, and then, leaning forwards in his chair +and looking carefully about the corridors of the club, he spoke behind +his hand and said, "And the mayor's the biggest grafter of the lot. And +what's more," he added, sinking his voice to a whisper, "the time has +come to speak out about it fearlessly." + +Mr. Overend nodded. "It's a tyranny," he said. + +"Worse than Russia," rejoined Mr. Newberry. + + * * * * * + +They had been sitting in a quiet corner of the club--it was on a Sunday +evening--and had fallen into talking, first of all, of the present +rottenness of the federal politics of the United States--not +argumentatively or with any heat, but with the reflective sadness that +steals over an elderly man when he sits in the leather armchair of a +comfortable club smoking a good cigar and musing on the decadence of +the present day. The rottenness of the federal government didn't anger +them. It merely grieved them. + +They could remember--both of them--how different everything was when +they were young men just entering on life. When Mr. Newberry and Mr. +Dick Overend were young, men went into congress from pure patriotism; +there was no such thing as graft or crookedness, as they both admitted, +in those days; and as for the United States Senate--here their voices +were almost hushed in awe--why, when they were young, the United States +Senate-- + +But no, neither of them could find a phrase big enough for their +meaning. + +They merely repeated "as for the United States Senate--" and then shook +their heads and took long drinks of whiskey and soda. + +Then, naturally, speaking of the rottenness of the federal government +had led them to talk of the rottenness of the state legislature. How +different from the state legislatures that they remembered as young +men! Not merely different in the matter of graft, but different, so Mr. +Newberry said, in the calibre of the men. He recalled how he had been +taken as a boy of twelve by his father to hear a debate. He would never +forget it. Giants! he said, that was what they were. In fact, the thing +was more like a Witenagemot than a legislature. He said he distinctly +recalled a man, whose name he didn't recollect, speaking on a question +he didn't just remember what, either for or against he just couldn't +recall which; it thrilled him. He would never forget it. It stayed in +his memory as if it were yesterday. + +But as for the present legislature--here Mr. Dick Overend sadly nodded +assent in advance to what he knew was coming--as for the present +legislature--well--Mr. Newberry had had, he said, occasion to visit the +state capital a week before in connection with a railway bill that he +was trying to--that is, that he was anxious to--in short in connection +with a railway bill, and when he looked about him at the men in the +legislature--positively he felt ashamed; he could put it no other way +than that--ashamed. + +After which, from speaking of the crookedness of the state government +Mr. Newberry and Mr. Dick Overend were led to talk of the crookedness +of the city government! And they both agreed, as above, that things +were worse than in Russia. What secretly irritated them both most was +that they had lived and done business under this infernal corruption +for thirty or forty years and hadn't noticed it. They had been too busy. + +The fact was that their conversation reflected not so much their own +original ideas as a general wave of feeling that was passing over the +whole community. + +There had come a moment--quite suddenly it seemed--when it occurred to +everybody at the same time that the whole government of the city was +rotten. The word is a strong one. But it is the one that was used. Look +at the aldermen, they said--rotten! Look at the city solicitor, rotten! +And as for the mayor himself--phew! + +The thing came like a wave. Everybody felt it at once. People wondered +how any sane, intelligent community could tolerate the presence of a +set of corrupt scoundrels like the twenty aldermen of the city. Their +names, it was said, were simply a byword throughout the United States +for rank criminal corruption. This was said so widely that everybody +started hunting through the daily papers to try to find out who in +blazes were aldermen, anyhow. Twenty names are hard to remember, and as +a matter of fact, at the moment when this wave of feeling struck the +city, nobody knew or cared who were aldermen, anyway. + +To tell the truth, the aldermen had been much the same persons for +about fifteen or twenty years. Some were in the produce business, +others were butchers, two were grocers, and all of them wore blue +checkered waistcoats and red ties and got up at seven in the morning to +attend the vegetable and other markets. Nobody had ever really thought +about them--that is to say, nobody on Plutoria Avenue. Sometimes one +saw a picture in the paper and wondered for a moment who the person +was; but on looking more closely and noticing what was written under +it, one said, "Oh, I see, an alderman," and turned to something else. + +"Whose funeral is that?" a man would sometimes ask on Plutoria Avenue. +"Oh just one of the city aldermen," a passerby would answer hurriedly. +"Oh I see, I beg your pardon, I thought it might be somebody important." + +At which both laughed. + + * * * * * + +It was not just clear how and where this movement of indignation had +started. People said that it was part of a new wave of public morality +that was sweeping over the entire United States. Certainly it was being +remarked in almost every section of the country. Chicago newspapers +were attributing its origin to the new vigour and the fresh ideals of +the middle west. In Boston it was said to be due to a revival of the +grand old New England spirit. In Philadelphia they called it the spirit +of William Penn. In the south it was said to be the reassertion of +southern chivalry making itself felt against the greed and selfishness +of the north, while in the north they recognized it at once as a +protest against the sluggishness and ignorance of the south. In the +west they spoke of it as a revolt against the spirit of the east and in +the east they called it a reaction against the lawlessness of the west. +But everywhere they hailed it as a new sign of the glorious unity of +the country. + +If therefore Mr. Newberry and Mr. Overend were found to be discussing +the corrupt state of their city they only shared in the national +sentiments of the moment. In fact in the same city hundreds of other +citizens, as disinterested as themselves, were waking up to the +realization of what was going on. As soon as people began to look into +the condition of things in the city they were horrified at what they +found. It was discovered, for example, that Alderman Schwefeldampf was +an undertaker! Think of it! In a city with a hundred and fifty deaths a +week, and sometimes even better, an undertaker sat on the council! A +city that was about to expropriate land and to spend four hundred +thousand dollars for a new cemetery, had an undertaker on the +expropriation committee itself! And worse than that! Alderman Undercutt +was a butcher! In a city that consumed a thousand tons of meat every +week! And Alderman O'Hooligan--it leaked out--was an Irishman! Imagine +it! An Irishman sitting on the police committee of the council in a +city where thirty-eight and a half out of every hundred policemen were +Irish, either by birth or parentage! The thing was monstrous. + +So when Mr. Newberry said "It's worse than Russia!" he meant it, every +word. + + * * * * * + +Now just as Mr. Newberry and Mr. Dick Overend were finishing their +discussion, the huge bulky form of Mayor McGrath came ponderously past +them as they sat. He looked at them sideways out of his eyes--he had +eyes like plums in a mottled face--and, being a born politician, he +knew by the very look of them that they were talking of something that +they had no business to be talking about. But,--being a politician--he +merely said, "Good evening, gentlemen," without a sign of disturbance. + +"Good evening, Mr. Mayor," said Mr. Newberry, rubbing his hands feebly +together and speaking in an ingratiating tone. There is no more +pitiable spectacle than an honest man caught in the act of speaking +boldly and fearlessly of the evil-doer. + +"Good evening, Mr. Mayor," echoed Mr. Dick Overend, also rubbing his +hands; "warm evening, is it not?" + +The mayor gave no other answer than that deep guttural grunt which is +technically known in municipal interviews as refusing to commit oneself. + +"Did he hear?" whispered Mr. Newberry as the mayor passed out of the +club. + +"I don't care if he did," whispered Mr. Dick Overend. + +Half an hour later Mayor McGrath entered the premises of the Thomas +Jefferson Club, which was situated in the rear end of a saloon and pool +room far down in the town. + +"Boys," he said to Alderman O'Hooligan and Alderman Gorfinkel, who were +playing freeze-out poker in a corner behind the pool tables, "you want +to let the boys know to keep pretty dark and go easy. There's a lot of +talk I don't like about the elections going round the town. Let the +boys know that just for a while the darker they keep the better." + +Whereupon the word was passed from the Thomas Jefferson Club to the +George Washington Club and thence to the Eureka Club (coloured), and to +the Kossuth Club (Hungarian), and to various other centres of civic +patriotism in the lower parts of the city. And forthwith such a +darkness began to spread over them that not even honest Diogenes with +his lantern could have penetrated their doings. + +"If them stiffs wants to make trouble," said the president of the +George Washington Club to Mayor McGrath a day or two later, "they won't +never know what they've bumped up against." + +"Well," said the heavy mayor, speaking slowly and cautiously and eyeing +his henchman with quiet scrutiny, "you want to go pretty easy now, I +tell you." + +The look which the mayor directed at his satellite was much the same +glance that Morgan the buccaneer might have given to one of his +lieutenants before throwing him overboard. + + * * * * * + +Meantime the wave of civic enthusiasm as reflected in the conversations +of Plutoria Avenue grew stronger with every day. + +"The thing is a scandal," said Mr. Lucullus Fyshe. "Why, these fellows +down at the city hall are simply a pack of rogues. I had occasion to do +some business there the other day (it was connected with the assessment +of our soda factories) and do you know, I actually found that these +fellows take money!" + +"I say!" said Mr. Peter Spillikins, to whom he spoke, "I say! You don't +say!" + +"It's a fact," repeated Mr. Fyshe. "They take money. I took the +assistant treasurer aside and I said, 'I want such and such done,' and +I slipped a fifty dollar bill into his hand. And the fellow took it, +took it like a shot." + +"He took it!" gasped Mr. Spillikins. + +"He did," said Mr. Fyshe. "There ought to be a criminal law for that +sort of thing." + +"I say!" exclaimed Mr. Spillikins, "they ought to go to jail for a +thing like that." + +"And the infernal insolence of them," Mr. Fyshe continued. "I went down +the next day to see the deputy assistant (about a thing connected with +the same matter), told him what I wanted and passed a fifty dollar bill +across the counter and the fellow fairly threw it back at me, in a +perfect rage. He refused it!" + +"Refused it," gasped Mr. Spillikins, "I say!" + +Conversations such as this filled up the leisure and divided the +business time of all the best people in the city. + +In the general gloomy outlook, however, one bright spot was observable. +The "wave" had evidently come just at the opportune moment. For not +only were civic elections pending but just at this juncture four or +five questions of supreme importance would be settled by the incoming +council. There was, for instance, the question of the expropriation of +the Traction Company (a matter involving many millions); there was the +decision as to the renewal of the franchise of the Citizens' Light +Company--a vital question; there was also the four hundred thousand +dollar purchase of land for the new addition to the cemetery, a matter +that must be settled. And it was felt, especially on Plutoria Avenue, +to be a splendid thing that the city was waking up, in the moral sense, +at the very time when these things were under discussion. All the +shareholders of the Traction Company and the Citizens' Light--and they +included the very best, the most high-minded, people in the city--felt +that what was needed now was a great moral effort, to enable them to +lift the city up and carry it with them, or, if not all of it, at any +rate as much of it as they could. + +"It's a splendid movement!" said Mr. Fyshe (he was a leading +shareholder and director of the Citizens' Light), "what a splendid +thing to think that we shan't have to deal for our new franchise with a +set of corrupt rapscallions like these present aldermen. Do you know, +Furlong, that when we approached them first with a proposition for a +renewal for a hundred and fifty years they held us up! Said it was too +long! Imagine that! A hundred and fifty years (only a century and a +half) too long for the franchise! They expect us to install all our +poles, string our wires, set up our transformers in their streets and +then perhaps at the end of a hundred years find ourselves compelled to +sell out at a beggarly valuation. Of course we knew what they wanted. +They meant us to hand them over fifty dollars each to stuff into their +rascally pockets." + +"Outrageous!" said Mr. Furlong. + +"And the same thing with the cemetery land deal," went on Mr. Lucullus +Fyshe. "Do you realize that, if the movement hadn't come along and +checked them, those scoundrels would have given that rogue +Schwefeldampf four hundred thousand dollars for his fifty acres! Just +think of it!" + +"I don't know," said Mr. Furlong with a thoughtful look upon his face, +"that four hundred thousand dollars is an excessive price, in and of +itself, for that amount of land." + +"Certainly not," said Mr. Fyshe, very quietly and decidedly, looking at +Mr. Furlong in a searching way as he spoke. "It is _not_ a high price. +It seems to me, speaking purely as an outsider, a very fair, reasonable +price for fifty acres of suburban land, if it were the right land. If, +for example, it were a case of making an offer for that very fine +stretch of land, about twenty acres, is it not, which I believe your +Corporation owns on the _other_ side of the cemetery, I should say four +hundred thousand is a most modest price." + +Mr. Furlong nodded his head reflectively. + +"You had thought, had you not, of offering it to the city?" said Mr. +Fyshe. + +"We did," said Mr. Furlong, "at a more or less nominal sum--four +hundred thousand or whatever it might be. We felt that for such a +purpose, almost sacred as it were, one would want as little bargaining +as possible." + +"Oh, none at all," assented Mr. Fyshe. + +"Our feeling was," went on Mr. Furlong, "that if the city wanted our +land for the cemetery extension, it might have it at its own +figure--four hundred thousand, half a million, in fact at absolutely +any price, from four hundred thousand up, that they cared to put on it. +We didn't regard it as a commercial transaction at all. Our reward lay +merely in the fact of selling it to them." + +"Exactly," said Mr. Fyshe, "and of course your land was more desirable +from every point of view. Schwefeldampf's ground is encumbered with a +growth of cypress and evergreens and weeping willows which make it +quite unsuitable for an up-to-date cemetery; whereas yours, as I +remember it, is bright and open--a loose sandy soil with no trees and +very little grass to overcome." + +"Yes," said Mr. Furlong. "We thought, too, that our ground, having the +tanneries and the chemical factory along the farther side of it, was an +ideal place for--" he paused, seeking a mode of expressing his thought. + +"For the dead," said Mr. Fyshe, with becoming reverence. And after this +conversation Mr. Fyshe and Mr. Furlong senior understood one another +absolutely in regard to the new movement. + +It was astonishing in fact how rapidly the light spread. + +"Is Rasselyer-Brown with us?" asked someone of Mr. Fyshe a few days +later. + +"Heart and soul," answered Mr. Fyshe. "He's very bitter over the way +these rascals have been plundering the city on its coal supply. He says +that the city has been buying coal wholesale at the pit mouth at three +fifty--utterly worthless stuff, he tells me. He has heard it said that +everyone of these scoundrels has been paid from twenty-five to fifty +dollars a winter to connive at it." + +"Dear me," said the listener. + +"Abominable, is it not?" said Mr. Fyshe. "But as I said to +Rasselyer-Brown, what can one do if the citizens themselves take no +interest in these things. 'Take your own case,' I said to him, 'how is +it that you, a coal man, are not helping the city in this matter? Why +don't you supply the city?' He shook his head, 'I wouldn't do it at +three-fifty,' he said. 'No,' I answered, 'but will you at five?' He +looked at me for a moment and then he said, 'Fyshe, I'll do it; at +five, or at anything over that they like to name. If we get a new +council in they may name their own figure.' 'Good,' I said. 'I hope all +the other businessmen will be animated with the same spirit.'" + + * * * * * + +Thus it was that the light broke and spread and illuminated in all +directions. People began to realize the needs of the city as they never +had before. Mr. Boulder, who owned, among other things, a stone quarry +and an asphalt company, felt that the paving of the streets was a +disgrace. Mr. Skinyer, of Skinyer and Beatem, shook his head and said +that the whole legal department of the city needed reorganization; it +needed, he said, new blood. But he added always in a despairing tone, +how could one expect to run a department with the head of it drawing +only six thousand dollars; the thing was impossible. If, he argued, +they could superannuate the present chief solicitor and get a man, a +_good_ man (Mr. Skinyer laid emphasis on this) at, say, fifteen +thousand there might be some hope. + +"Of course," said Mr. Skinyer to Mr. Newberry in discussing the topic, +"one would need to give him a proper staff of assistants so as to take +off his hands all the _routine_ work--the mere appearance in court, the +preparation of briefs, the office consultation, the tax revision and +the purely legal work. In that case he would have his hands free to +devote himself entirely to those things, which--in fact to turn his +attention in whatever direction he might feel it was advisable to turn +it." + + * * * * * + +Within a week or two the public movement had found definite expression +and embodied itself in the Clean Government Association. This was +organized by a group of leading and disinterested citizens who held +their first meeting in the largest upstairs room of the Mausoleum Club. +Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, Mr. Boulder, and others keenly interested in +obtaining simply justice for the stockholders of the Traction and the +Citizens' Light were prominent from the start. Mr. Rasselyer-Brown, Mr. +Furlong senior and others were there, not from special interest in the +light or traction questions, but, as they said themselves, from pure +civic spirit. Dr. Boomer was there to represent the university with +three of his most presentable professors, cultivated men who were able +to sit in a first-class club and drink whiskey and soda and talk as +well as any businessman present. Mr. Skinyer, Mr. Beatem and others +represented the bar. Dr. McTeague, blinking in the blue tobacco smoke, +was there to stand for the church. There were all-round enthusiasts as +well, such as Mr. Newberry and the Overend brothers and Mr. Peter +Spillikins. + +"Isn't it fine," whispered Mr. Spillikins to Mr. Newberry, "to see a +set of men like these all going into a thing like this, not thinking of +their own interests a bit?" + + * * * * * + +Mr. Fyshe, as chairman, addressed the meeting. He told them they were +there to initiate a great free voluntary movement of the people. It had +been thought wise, he said, to hold it with closed doors and to keep it +out of the newspapers. This would guarantee the league against the old +underhand control by a clique that had hitherto disgraced every part of +the administration of the city. He wanted, he said, to see everything +done henceforth in broad daylight: and for this purpose he had summoned +them there at night to discuss ways and means of action. After they +were once fully assured of exactly what they wanted to do and how they +meant to do it, the league he said, would invite the fullest and freest +advice from all classes in the city. There were none he said, amid +great applause, that were so lowly that they would not be invited--once +the platform of the league was settled--to advise and co-operate. All +might help, even the poorest. Subscription lists would be prepared +which would allow any sum at all, from one to five dollars, to be given +to the treasurer. The league was to be democratic or nothing. The +poorest might contribute as little as one dollar: even the richest +would not be allowed to give more than five. Moreover he gave notice +that he intended to propose that no actual official of the league +should be allowed under its by-laws to give anything. He himself--if +they did him the honour to make him president as he had heard it hinted +was their intention--would be the first to bow to this rule. He would +efface himself. He would obliterate himself, content in the interests +of all, to give nothing. He was able to announce similar pledges from +his friends, Mr. Boulder, Mr. Furlong, Dr. Boomer, and a number of +others. + +Quite a storm of applause greeted these remarks by Mr. Fyshe, who +flushed with pride as he heard it. + +"Now, gentlemen," he went on, "this meeting is open for discussion. +Remember it is quite informal, anyone may speak. I as chairman make no +claim to control or monopolize the discussion. Let everyone +understand--" + +"Well then, Mr. Chairman," began Mr. Dick Overend. + +"One minute, Mr. Overend," said Mr. Fyshe. "I want everyone to +understand that he may speak as--" + +"May I say then--" began Mr. Newberry. + +"Pardon me, Mr. Newberry," said Mr. Fyshe, "I was wishing first to +explain that not only may _all_ participate but that we _invite_--" + +"In that case--" began Mr. Newberry. + +"Before you speak," interrupted Mr. Fyshe, "let me add one word. We +must make our discussion as brief and to the point as possible. I have +a great number of things which I wish to say to the meeting and it +might be well if all of you would speak as briefly and as little as +possible. Has anybody anything to say?" + +"Well," said Mr. Newberry, "what about organization and officers?" + +"We have thought of it," said Mr. Fyshe. "We were anxious above all +things to avoid the objectionable and corrupt methods of a 'slate' and +a prepared list of officers which has disgraced every part of our city +politics until the present time. Mr. Boulder, Mr. Furlong and Mr. +Skinyer and myself have therefore prepared a short list of offices and +officers which we wish to submit to your fullest, freest consideration. +It runs thus: Hon. President Mr. L. Fyshe, Hon. Vice-president, Mr. A. +Boulder, Hon. Secretary Mr. Furlong, Hon. Treasurer Mr. O. Skinyer, et +cetera--I needn't read it all. You'll see it posted in the hall later. +Is that carried? Carried! Very good," said Mr. Fyshe. + +There was a moment's pause while Mr. Furlong and Mr. Skinyer moved into +seats beside Mr. Fyshe and while Mr. Furlong drew from his pocket and +arranged the bundle of minutes of the meeting which he had brought with +him. As he himself said he was too neat and methodical a writer to +trust to jotting them down on the spot. + +"Don't you think," said Mr. Newberry, "I speak as a practical man, that +we ought to do something to get the newspapers with us?" + +"Most important," assented several members. + +"What do you think, Dr. Boomer?" asked Mr. Fyshe of the university +president, "will the newspapers be with us?" + +Dr. Boomer shook his head doubtfully. "It's an important matter," he +said. "There is no doubt that we need, more than anything, the support +of a clean, wholesome unbiassed press that can't be bribed and is not +subject to money influence. I think on the whole our best plan would be +to buy up one of the city newspapers." + +"Might it not be better simply to buy up the editorial staff?" said Mr. +Dick Overend. + +"We might do that," admitted Dr. Boomer. "There is no doubt that the +corruption of the press is one of the worst factors that we have to +oppose. But whether we can best fight it by buying the paper itself or +buying the staff is hard to say." + +"Suppose we leave it to a committee with full power to act," said Mr. +Fyshe. "Let us direct them to take whatever steps may in their opinion +be best calculated to elevate the tone of the press, the treasurer +being authorized to second them in every way. I for one am heartily +sick of old underhand connection between city politics and the city +papers. If we can do anything to alter and elevate it, it will be a +fine work, gentlemen, well worth whatever it costs us." + + * * * * * + +Thus after an hour or two of such discussion the Clean Government +League found itself organized and equipped with a treasury and a +programme and a platform. The latter was very simple. As Mr. Fyshe and +Mr. Boulder said there was no need to drag in specific questions or try +to define the action to be taken towards this or that particular +detail, such as the hundred-and-fifty-year franchise, beforehand. The +platform was simply expressed as Honesty, Purity, Integrity. This, as +Mr. Fyshe said, made a straight, flat, clean issue between the league +and all who opposed it. + +This first meeting was, of course, confidential. But all that it did +was presently done over again, with wonderful freshness and spontaneity +at a large public meeting open to all citizens. There was a splendid +impromptu air about everything. For instance when somebody away back in +the hall said, "I move that Mr. Lucullus Fyshe be president of the +league," Mr. Fyshe lifted his hand in unavailing protest as if this +were the newest idea he had ever heard in his life. + +After all of which the Clean Government League set itself to fight the +cohorts of darkness. It was not just known where these were. But it was +understood that they were there all right, somewhere. In the platform +speeches of the epoch they figured as working underground, working in +the dark, working behind the scenes, and so forth. But the strange +thing was that nobody could state with any exactitude just who or what +it was that the league was fighting. It stood for "honesty, purity, and +integrity." That was all you could say about it. + +Take, for example, the case of the press. At the inception of the +league it has been supposed that such was the venality and corruption +of the city newspapers that it would be necessary to buy one of them. +But the word "clean government" had been no sooner uttered than it +turned out that every one of the papers in the city was in favour of +it: in fact had been working for it for years. + +They vied with one another now in giving publicity to the idea. The +_Plutorian Times_ printed a dotted coupon on the corner of its front +sheet with the words, "Are you in favour of Clean Government? If so, +send us ten cents with this coupon and your name and address." The +_Plutorian Citizen and Home Advocate_, went even further. It printed a +coupon which said, "Are you out for a clean city? If so send us +twenty-five cents to this office. We pledge ourselves to use it." + +The newspapers did more than this. They printed from day to day such +pictures as the portrait of Mr. Fyshe with the legend below, "Mr. +Lucullus Fyshe, who says that government ought to be by the people, +from the people, for the people and to the people"; and the next day +another labelled. "Mr. P. Spillikins, who says that all men are born +free and equal"; and the next day a picture with the words, "Tract of +ground offered for cemetery by Mr. Furlong, showing rear of tanneries, +with head of Mr. Furlong inserted." + +It was, of course, plain enough that certain of the aldermen of the old +council were to be reckoned as part of the cohort of darkness. That at +least was clear. "We want no more men in control of the stamp of +Alderman Gorfinkel and Alderman Schwefeldampf," so said practically +every paper in the city. "The public sense revolts at these men. They +are vultures who have feasted too long on the prostrate corpses of our +citizens." And so on. The only trouble was to discover who or what had +ever supported Alderman Gorfinkel and Alderman Schwefeldampf. The very +organizations that might have seemed to be behind them were evidently +more eager for clean government than the league itself. + +"The Thomas Jefferson Club Out for Clean Government," so ran the +newspaper headings of one day; and of the next, "Will help to clean up +City Government. Eureka Club (Coloured) endorses the League; Is done +with Darkness"; and the day after that, "Sons of Hungary Share in Good +Work: Kossuth Club will vote with the League." + +So strong, indeed, was the feeling against the iniquitous aldermen that +the public demand arose to be done with a council of aldermen +altogether and to substitute government by a Board. The newspapers +contained editorials on the topic each day and it was understood that +one of the first efforts of the league would be directed towards +getting the necessary sanction of the legislature in this direction. To +help to enlighten the public on what such government meant Professor +Proaser of the university (he was one of the three already referred to) +gave a public lecture on the growth of Council Government. He traced it +from the Amphictionic Council of Greece as far down as the Oligarchical +Council of Venice; it was thought that had the evening been longer he +would have traced it clean down to modern times. + +But most amazing of all was the announcement that was presently made, +and endorsed by Mr. Lucullus Fyshe in an interview, that Mayor McGrath +himself would favour clean government, and would become the official +nominee of the league itself. This certainly was strange. But it would +perhaps have been less mystifying to the public at large, had they been +able to listen to certain of the intimate conversations of Mr. Fyshe +and Mr. Boulder. + +"You say then," said Mr. Boulder, "to let McGrath's name stand." + +"We can't do without him," said Mr. Fyshe, "he has seven of the wards +in the hollow of his hand. If we take his offer he absolutely pledges +us every one of them." + +"Can you rely on his word?" said Mr. Boulder. + +"I think he means to play fair with us," answered Mr. Fyshe. "I put it +to him as a matter of honour, between man and man, a week ago. Since +then, I have had him carefully dictaphoned and I'm convinced he's +playing straight." + +"How far will he go with us?" said Mr. Boulder. + +"He is willing to throw overboard Gorfinkel, Schwefeldampf and +Undercutt. He says he must find a place for O'Hooligan. The Irish, he +says, don't care for clean government; they want Irish Government." + +"I see," said Mr. Boulder very thoughtfully, "and in regard to the +renewal of the franchise and the expropriation, tell me just exactly +what his conditions are." + +But Mr. Fyshe's answer to this was said so discreetly and in such a low +voice, that not even the birds listening in the elm trees outside the +Mausoleum Club could hear it. + +No wonder, then, that if even the birds failed to know everything about +the Clean Government League, there were many things which such good +people as Mr. Newberry and Mr. Peter Spillikins never heard at all and +never guessed. + + * * * * * + +Each week and every day brought fresh triumphs to the onward march of +the movement. + +"Yes, gentlemen," said Mr. Fyshe to the assembled committee of the +Clean Government League a few days later, "I am glad to be able to +report our first victory. Mr. Boulder and I have visited the state +capital and we are able to tell you definitely that the legislature +will consent to change our form of government so as to replace our +council by a Board." + +"Hear, hear!" cried all the committee men together. + +"We saw the governor," said Mr. Fyshe. "Indeed he was good enough to +lunch with us at the Pocahontas Club. He tells us that what we are +doing is being done in every city and town of the state. He says that +the days of the old-fashioned city council are numbered. They are +setting up boards everywhere." + +"Excellent!" said Mr. Newberry. + +"The governor assures us that what we want will be done. The chairman +of the Democratic State Committee (he was good enough to dine with us +at the Buchanan Club) has given us the same assurance. So also does the +chairman of the Republican State Committee, who was kind enough to be +our guest in a box at the Lincoln Theatre. It is most gratifying," +concluded Mr. Fyshe, "to feel that the legislature will give us such a +hearty, such a thoroughly American support." + +"You are sure of this, are you?" questioned Mr. Newberry. "You have +actually seen the members of the legislature?" + +"It was not necessary," said Mr. Fyshe. "The governor and the different +chairmen have them so well fixed--that is to say, they have such +confidence in the governor and their political organizers that they +will all be prepared to give us what I have described as thoroughly +American support." + +"You are quite sure," persisted Mr. Newberry, "about the governor and +the others you mentioned?" + +Mr. Fyshe paused a moment and then he said very quietly, "We are quite +sure," and he exchanged a look with Mr. Boulder that meant volumes to +those who would read it. + + * * * * * + +"I hope you didn't mind my questioning you in that fashion," said Mr. +Newberry, as he and Mr. Fyshe strolled home from the club. "The truth +is I didn't feel sure in my own mind just what was meant by a 'Board,' +and 'getting them to give us government by a Board.' I know I'm +speaking like an ignoramus. I've really not paid as much attention in +the past to civic politics as I ought to have. But what is the +difference between a council and a board?" + +"The difference between a council and a board?" repeated Mr. Fyshe. + +"Yes," said Mr. Newberry, "the difference between a council and a +board." + +"Or call it," said Mr. Fyshe reflectively, "the difference between a +board and a council." + +"Precisely," said Mr Newberry. + +"It's not altogether easy to explain," said Mr. Fyshe. "One chief +difference is that in the case of a board, sometimes called a +Commission, the salary is higher. You see the salary of an alderman or +councillor in most cities is generally not more than fifteen hundred or +two thousand dollars. The salary of a member of a board or commission +is at least ten thousand. That gives you at once a very different class +of men. As long as you only pay fifteen hundred you get your council +filled up with men who will do any kind of crooked work for fifteen +hundred dollars; as soon as you pay ten thousand you get men with +larger ideas." + +"I see," said Mr. Newberry. + +"If you have a fifteen hundred dollar man," Mr. Fyshe went on, "you can +bribe him at any time with a fifty-dollar bill. On the other hand your +ten-thousand-dollar man has a wider outlook. If you offer him fifty +dollars for his vote on the board, he'd probably laugh at you." + +"Ah, yes," said Mr. Newberry, "I see the idea. A fifteen-hundred-dollar +salary is so low that it will tempt a lot of men into office merely for +what they can get out of it." + +"That's it exactly," answered Mr. Fyshe. + + * * * * * + +From all sides support came to the new league. The women of the +city--there were fifty thousand of them on the municipal voters +list--were not behind the men. Though not officials of the league they +rallied to its cause. + +"Mr. Fyshe," said Mrs. Buncomhearst, who called at the office of the +president of the league with offers of support, "tell me what we can +do. I represent fifty thousand women voters of this city--" + +(This was a favourite phrase of Mrs. Buncomhearst's, though it had +never been made quite clear how or why she represented them.) + +"We want to help, we women. You know we've any amount of initiative, if +you'll only tell us what to do. You know, Mr. Fyshe, we've just as good +executive ability as you men, if you'll just tell us what to do. +Couldn't we hold a meeting of our own, all our own, to help the league +along?" + +"An excellent idea," said Mr. Fyshe. + +"And could you not get three or four men to come and address it so as +to stir us up?" asked Mrs. Buncomhearst anxiously. + +"Oh, certainly," said Mr. Fyshe. + +So it was known after this that the women were working side by side +with the men. The tea rooms of the Grand Palaver and the other hotels +were filled with them every day, busy for the cause. One of them even +invented a perfectly charming election scarf to be worn as a sort of +badge to show one's allegiance; and its great merit was that it was so +fashioned that it would go with anything. + +"Yes," said Mr. Fyshe to his committee, "one of the finest signs of our +movement is that the women of the city are with us. Whatever we may +think, gentlemen, of the question of woman's rights in general--and I +think we know what we _do_ think--there is no doubt that the influence +of women makes for purity in civic politics. I am glad to inform the +committee that Mrs. Buncomhearst and her friends have organized all the +working women of the city who have votes. They tell me that they have +been able to do this at a cost as low as five dollars per woman. Some +of the women--foreigners of the lower classes whose sense of political +morality is as yet imperfectly developed--have been organized at a cost +as low as one dollar per vote. But of course with our native American +women, with a higher standard of education and morality, we can hardly +expect to do it as low as that." + + * * * * * + +Nor were the women the only element of support added to the league. + +"Gentlemen," reported Dr. Boomer, the president of the university, at +the next committee meeting, "I am glad to say that the spirit which +animates us has spread to the students of the university. They have +organized, entirely by themselves and on their own account, a Students' +Fair Play League which has commenced its activities. I understand that +they have already ducked Alderman Gorfinkel in a pond near the +university. I believe they are looking for Alderman Schwefeldampf +tonight. I understand they propose to throw him into the reservoir. The +leaders of them--a splendid set of young fellows--have given me a +pledge that they will do nothing to bring discredit on the university." + +"I think I heard them on the street last night," said Mr. Newberry. + +"I believe they had a procession," said the president. + +"Yes, I heard them; they were shouting 'Rah! rah! rah! Clean +Government! Clean Government! Rah! rah!' It was really inspiring to +hear them." + +"Yes," said the president, "they are banded together to put down all +the hoodlumism and disturbance on the street that has hitherto +disgraced our municipal elections. Last night, as a demonstration, they +upset two streetcars and a milk wagon." + +"I heard that two of them were arrested," said Mr. Dick Overend. + +"Only by an error," said the president. "There was a mistake. It was +not known that they were students. The two who were arrested were +smashing the windows of the car, after it was upset, with their hockey +sticks. A squad of police mistook them for rioters. As soon as they +were taken to the police station, the mistake was cleared up at once. +The chief-of-police telephoned an apology to the university. I believe +the league is out again tonight looking for Alderman Schwefeldampf. But +the leaders assure me there will be no breach of the peace whatever. As +I say, I think their idea is to throw him into the reservoir." + +In the face of such efforts as these, opposition itself melted rapidly +away. The _Plutorian Times_ was soon able to announce that various +undesirable candidates were abandoning the field. "Alderman Gorfinkel," +it said, "who, it will be recalled, was thrown into a pond last week by +the students of the college, was still confined to his bed when +interviewed by our representative. Mr. Gorfinkel stated that he should +not offer himself as a candidate in the approaching election. He was, +he said, weary of civic honours. He had had enough. He felt it +incumbent on him to step out and make way for others who deserved their +turn as well as himself: in future he proposed to confine his whole +attention to his Misfit Semi-Ready Establishment which he was happy to +state was offering as nobby a line of early fall suiting as was ever +seen at the price." + + * * * * * + +There is no need to recount here in detail the glorious triumph of the +election day itself. It will always be remembered as the purest, +cleanest election ever held in the precincts of the city. The citizens' +organization turned out in overwhelming force to guarantee that it +should be so. Bands of Dr. Boomer's students, armed with baseball bats, +surrounded the polls to guarantee fair play. Any man wishing to cast an +unclean vote was driven from the booth: all those attempting to +introduce any element of brute force or rowdyism into the election were +cracked over the head. In the lower part of the town scores of willing +workers, recruited often from the humblest classes, kept order with +pickaxes. In every part of the city motor cars, supplied by all the +leading businessmen, lawyers, and doctors of the city, acted as patrols +to see that no unfair use should be made of other vehicles in carrying +voters to the polls. + +It was a foregone victory from the first--overwhelming and complete. +The cohorts of darkness were so completely routed that it was +practically impossible to find them. As it fell dusk the streets were +filled with roaring and surging crowds celebrating the great victory +for clean government, while in front of every newspaper office huge +lantern pictures of _Mayor McGrath the Champion of Pure Government_, +and _O. Skinyer, the People's Solicitor_, and the other nominees of the +league, called forth cheer after cheer of frenzied enthusiasm. + + * * * * * + +They held that night in celebration a great reception at the Mausoleum +Club on Plutoria Avenue, given at its own suggestion by the city. The +city, indeed, insisted on it. + +Nor was there ever witnessed even in that home of art and refinement a +scene of greater charm. In the spacious corridor of the club a +Hungarian band wafted Viennese music from Tyrolese flutes through the +rubber trees. There was champagne bubbling at a score of sideboards +where noiseless waiters poured it into goblets as broad and flat as +floating water-lily leaves. And through it all moved the shepherds and +shepherdesses of that beautiful Arcadia--the shepherds in their Tuxedo +jackets, with vast white shirt-fronts broad as the map of Africa, with +spotless white waistcoats girdling their equators, wearing heavy gold +watch-chains and little patent shoes blacker than sin itself--and the +shepherdesses in foaming billows of silks of every colour of the +kaleidoscope, their hair bound with glittering headbands or coiled with +white feathers, the very symbol of municipal purity. One would search +in vain the pages of pastoral literature to find the equal of it. + +And as they talked, the good news spread from group to group that it +was already known that the new franchise of the Citizens' Light was to +be made for two centuries so as to give the company a fair chance to +see what it could do. At the word of it, the grave faces of manly +bondholders flushed with pride, and the soft eyes of listening +shareholders laughed back in joy. For they had no doubt or fear, now +that clean government had come. They knew what the company could do. + +Thus all night long, outside of the club, the soft note of the motor +horns arriving and departing wakened the sleeping leaves of the elm +trees with their message of good tidings. And all night long, within +its lighted corridors, the bubbling champagne whispered to the +listening rubber trees of the new salvation of the city. So the night +waxed and waned till the slow day broke, dimming with its cheap prosaic +glare the shaded beauty of the artificial light, and the people of the +city--the best of them--drove home to their well-earned sleep; and the +others--in the lower parts of the city--rose to their daily toil. + + + +END + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Arcadian Adventures with the Idle Rich, by +Stephen Leacock + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ACADIAN ADVENTURES, IDLE RICH *** + +***** This file should be named 4020.txt or 4020.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/2/4020/ + +Produced by Gardner Buchanan. 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