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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Life in London, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch's Life in London
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Release Date: May 15, 2012 [EBook #39707]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON
+
+PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
+
+Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
+cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
+draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch", from its
+beginning in 1841 to the present day.
+
+MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Fussy Old Lady._ "Now, _don't_ forget, conductor, I
+_want the Bank of England_."
+
+_Conductor._ "_All_ right, mum." (_Aside._) "She _don't_ want _much_, do
+she, mate?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+AS PICTURED BY
+
+  PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, L. RAVEN-HILL,
+  J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, E. T. REED, G. D. ARMOUR, F. H. TOWNSEND,
+  FRED PEGRAM, C. E. BROCK, TOM BROWNE, A. S. BOYD, A. WALLIS MILLS,
+  STARR WOOD, DUDLEY HARDY, AND MANY OTHER HUMORISTS.
+
+_IN 180 ILLUSTRATIONS_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
+
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages, fully illustrated_
+
+  LIFE IN LONDON
+  COUNTRY LIFE
+  IN THE HIGHLANDS
+  SCOTTISH HUMOUR
+  IRISH HUMOUR
+  COCKNEY HUMOUR
+  IN SOCIETY
+  AFTER DINNER STORIES
+  IN BOHEMIA
+  AT THE PLAY
+  MR. PUNCH AT HOME
+  ON THE CONTINONG
+  RAILWAY BOOK
+  AT THE SEASIDE
+  MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
+  IN THE HUNTING FIELD
+  MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+  WITH ROD AND GUN
+  MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
+  BOOK OF SPORTS
+  GOLF STORIES
+  IN WIG AND GOWN
+  ON THE WARPATH
+  BOOK OF LOVE
+  WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHAKESPEARE ON THE STREETS
+
+(_See "King Henry the Fourth," Act III., Sc. 1._)
+
+_Glendower_ (_to Hotspur_). Cousin of many men, I do not bear these
+crossings.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SKETCH IN REGENT STREET.--Puzzle--On which side are the
+shop windows?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROUND THE TOWN
+
+In the sixty-six years of his existence MR. PUNCH has at one time or
+another touched upon every phase of life in London. He has moved in high
+society; he has visited the slums; he has been to the churches, the
+theatres, the concert rooms; he has travelled on the railways, in the
+'buses and the cabs; he has amused himself on 'Change; he has gone
+shopping; he has lounged in the clubs, been a shrewd watcher and
+listener at the Law Courts, dined in the hotels and restaurants, sat in
+Parliament, made merry in the servants' hall, loitered along the
+pavements with a quick eye and ear for the wit and humour of the
+streets, and dropped in casually, a genial and observant visitor, at the
+homes and haunts of all sorts and conditions of men and women.
+
+Obviously it is impossible that the fruits of all this adventuring could
+be gathered into a single volume; some of them are garnered already in
+other volumes of this series, in books that deal particularly with MR.
+PUNCH'S representations of what he has seen and heard of Society, of the
+Cockney, of the Lawyers, of our Domestics, of Clubmen and Diners-out, of
+the Theatres; therefore, in the present volume, we have limited him in
+the main to his recollections of the actual civic life in London, to his
+diversions on the Stock Exchange and in the Money Market generally, his
+pictured and written quips and jests about London's businesses and
+business men, with glimpses of what he knows of the variously dazzling
+and more or less strenuous life that everywhere environs these.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SUBJECT FOR A DECORATIVE PANEL.--Road "up." Time--in the
+height of the season. Place--everywhere.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON
+
+THE CITY "ARTICLE."--Money.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM THE STREETS.--A street conjuror complained the other day that he
+couldn't throw the knives and balls about, because he did not feel in
+the vein.
+
+"In what vein?" asked a bystander, weakly.
+
+"The juggler vein, of course, stupid!" was the answer.
+
+    [_The bystander retired._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LIGHT EMPLOYMENT.--Cleaning windows.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"_The Model Ready Reckoner._"--The man with his last shilling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MONEY-MARKET AND CITY INTELLIGENCE.--Operators for the rise--aeronauts;
+likewise anglers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JUST OFF--THE BOURSE.--_Stockbroker_ (_to Client who has been pretty
+well loaded with certain scrip_). Well, it just comes to this. Are you
+prepared to go the whole hog or none?
+
+_Client_ (_timidly_). I think I'd rather go the none.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT COLOUR SHOULD PARASITES DRESS IN?--Fawn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOUSEHOLD HINTS FOR ECONOMICAL MANAGERS
+
+_How to Obtain a good Serviceable Light Porter._--Take a pint of stout,
+and add a quart of spring water. There you have him.
+
+_How to make Hats last._--Make everything else first.
+
+_How to Prevent Ale from Spoiling._--Drink it.
+
+_How to Avoid being Considered above your Business._--Never live over
+your shop.
+
+_How to make your Servants rise._--Send them up to sleep in the attics.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bus Driver_ (_to charioteer of broken-down motor-car_).
+"I've been tellin' yer all the week to taike it 'ome, an' now yer wants
+to, yer cawn't!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STREETS OF LONDON
+
+  The stately streets of London
+    Are always "up" in Spring,
+  To ordinary minds an ex-
+    traordinary thing.
+  Then cabs across strange ridges bound,
+    Or sink in holes, abused
+  With words resembling not, in sound,
+    Those Mrs. Hemans used.
+
+  The miry streets of London,
+    Dotted with lamps by night;
+  What pitfalls where the dazzled eye
+    Sees doubly ruddy light!
+  For in the season, just in May,
+    When many meetings meet,
+  The jocund vestry starts away,
+    And closes all the street.
+
+  The shut-up streets of London!
+    How willingly one jumps
+  From where one's cab must stop through pools
+    Of mud, in dancing pumps!
+  When thus one skips on miry ways
+    One's pride is much decreased,
+  Like Mrs. Gilpin's, for one's "chaise"
+    Is "three doors off" at least.
+
+  The free, fair streets of London
+    Long, long, in vestry hall,
+  May heads of native thickness rise,
+    When April showers fall;
+  And green for ever be the men
+    Who spend the rates in May,
+  By stopping all the traffic then
+    In such a jocose way!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Straphanger_ (_in first-class compartment, to
+first-class passenger_). "I say, guv'nor, 'ang on to this 'ere strap a
+minute, will yer, while I get a light?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GAS-FITTER'S PARADISE.--Berners Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CIVIC WIT.--A City friend of ours, who takes considerable interest in
+the fattening of his fowls, alleges, as a reason, that he is an advocate
+for widening the Poultry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO AUCTIONEERS.--The regulations regarding sales are not to be found in
+any _bye_ laws.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POETRY AND FINANCE.--Among all the quotations in all the money market
+and City articles who ever met with a line of verse?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANYTHING BUT AN ALDERMAN'S MOTTO.--"Dinner forget."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GENTLEMAN who lives by his wits.--_Mr. Punch._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEFINITION.--The Mansion House--A mayor's nest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN A TRAM-CAR
+
+_Lady_ (_with smelly basket of fish_). "Dessay you'd rather 'ave a
+gentleman settin' a-side of you?"
+
+_Gilded Youth_ (_who has been edging away_). "Yes, I would."
+
+_Lady._ "Same'ere!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Inquisitive Guardian._ "By the way, have you any
+children?" _Applicant for Relief._ "No." _Guardian._ "But--er--surely I
+know a son of yours?" _Applicant._ "Well, I don't suppose you'd call a
+_child_ children!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Please, sir, tuppence worth of butter scrapin's, an'
+mother says be sure they're all _clean_, 'cause she's expectin'
+company."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNCONSCIONABLE
+
+_Head of the Firm._ "Want a holiday!? Why, you've just been at home ill
+for a month!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FORCE OF HABIT
+
+_Traveller_ (_suffering from the Heat of Weather, &c._). "Wesh
+Bromp'n--shingl'--cold 'th bit o' lemon--loo' sharp--'r else shan't kesh
+my train!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EXILED LONDONER
+
+  I roam beneath a foreign sky,
+      That sky is cloudless, warm and clear;
+  And everything is glad but I;--
+      But ah! my heart is far from here.
+
+  They bid me look on forests green,
+      And boundless prairies stretching far;
+  But I rejoice not in their sheen,
+      And longing turn to Temple Bar.
+
+  They bid me list the torrent's roar,
+      In all its foaming, bounding pride;
+  But I, I only think the more
+      On living torrents in Cheapside!
+
+  They bid me mark the mighty stream,
+      Which Mississippi rolls to sea;
+  But then I sink in pensive dream,
+      And turn my thoughts, dear Thames, to thee!
+
+  They bid me note the mountains high,
+      Whose snow-capp'd peaks my prospect end;
+  I only heave a secret sigh--
+      To Ludgate Hill my wishes tend.
+
+  They taunt me with our denser air,
+      And fogs so thick you scarce can see;
+  Then, yellow fog, I will declare,
+      Though strange to say, I long for thee.
+
+  And everything in this bright clime
+      But serves to turn my thoughts to thee!
+  Thou, London, of an earlier time,
+      Oh! when shall I return to thee?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Customer._ "That dog I bought last week has turned out
+very savage. He's already bitten a little girl and a policeman, and----"
+
+_Dealer._ "Lor'! how 'e's changed, mum! He wasn't at all particular what
+he ate 'ere!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PANIC IN THE CITY
+
+TIME--3.30 P.M.
+
+_Excited Stockbroker._--By Jove! it's serious now.
+
+_Other dittos._ Hey? what?
+
+_Excited Stockbroker._ Rothschild's "gone"--
+
+_Clients_ (_new to City, thunderstruck_). _Gone!_ Rothschild!!--but--
+
+_Excited Stockbroker._ Yes. _Gone to Paris._
+
+_Exit._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT TO EXPECT AT AN HOTEL.--Inn-attention.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A QUESTION FOR LLOYD'S.--Are sub-editors underwriters?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INCIDENTS OF TAXATION.--Collectors and summonses.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT A CITY COMPANY DOES.--It may not be generally known that the duty
+of the Spectacle-makers is to get up the Lord Mayor's Show. Glasses
+round, and then they proceed to business.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPOSSIBLE PHRASE.--The happy rich, the happy poor, both quite possible.
+But, "the happy mean"--oh no--impossible.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG FOR THE TOWN-TIED SPORTSMAN.--"How happy could I be with
+_heather_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PROGRESS.--(_Overheard in Kensington._ Time, 9 A.M.).--_Fair
+Club Member_ (_lately married, to friend_). "Bye, bye!
+Can't stop! Must rush off, or I shall be _scratched for the billiard
+handicap_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Policeman_ (_to slightly sober individual, who is
+wobbling about in the road amongst the traffic_). "Come, old man, walk
+on the pavement."
+
+_Slightly Sober Individual._ "_Pavement!_ Who do you take me for?
+_Blondin?_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SKETCHED IN OXFORD STREET]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INSCRIPTION TO BE PLACED OVER THE STOCK EXCHANGE.--"_Bear_ and
+for-_bear_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRICE OF BREAD.--Twists have taken a turn; and cottages have come
+down in some places, owing to the falls of bricks, which continue to
+give way rapidly. A baker near one of the bridges has not had a roll
+over, which is to be accounted for by his having come down in regular
+steps to a level with the lower class of consumers. Plaster of Paris is
+in some demand, and there have been some mysterious transactions in
+sawdust by the baker who liberally deals with the workhouse.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SYMPHONY IN BLACK. The vassal who does soot and service.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OFFICIAL ORDER.--All cabmen plying within hail are to be supplied with
+umbrellas by Government.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HE DIDN'T MEAN TO LOSE THAT
+
+"Miffins, the book-keeper, tells me that you have lost the key of the
+safe, and he cannot get at the books."
+
+"Yes, sir, one of them. You gave me two, you remember."
+
+"Yes; I had duplicates made in case of accident. And the other?"
+
+"Oh, sir, I took care of that. I was afraid I might lose one of them,
+you know."
+
+"And is the other all right?"
+
+"Yes, sir. I put it where there was no danger of it being lost. It is in
+the safe, sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN A NOVEMBER FOG
+
+_Frenchman_ (_just arrived on his first visit to London_). "Ha, ha! my
+frien', now I understan' vot you mean ven you say ze sun nevaire set in
+your dominion, ma foi! _It does not rise!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND"
+
+_Thirsty Soul_ (_after several gyrations round the letter-box_). "I
+sh'like t'know wha'-sh-'e good 'f gen'lem'n-sh turn'n tea-tot'ller 'f
+gov'm'nt (_hic_) goes-h an' cut-sh th' shpouts-h o' th' _bumpsh_ off!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LONDONER'S DIARY
+
+(_For August_)
+
+_Monday._--Got up at nine o'clock. Lounged to the park. No one there.
+Went to bed at twelve.
+
+_Tuesday._--Got up at ten o'clock. Walked to the House of Commons.
+Closed. Went to bed at eleven.
+
+_Wednesday._--Got up at eleven o'clock. Looked in at Prince's. Deserted.
+Went to bed at ten.
+
+_Thursday._--Got up at twelve o'clock. Strolled to the club. Shut up for
+repairs. Went to bed at nine.
+
+_Friday._--Got up at one o'clock. Stayed at home. Dull. Went to bed at
+eight.
+
+_Saturday._--Got up at five a.m. Went out of town at six.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE REVERSE OF THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL.--A school in which very few
+members of society are brought up--a charity school.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PAST RECLAIMING
+
+_Brixton Barber._ "Revival seems to be in the hair, sir."
+
+_Customer._ "Not in _mine_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOG
+
+  Thou comest in familiar guise,
+      When in the morning I awake,
+  You irritate my throat and eyes,
+      I vow that life's a sad mistake.
+  You come to hang about my hair,
+      My much-enduring lungs to clog,
+  I feel you with me everywhere,
+      Our own peculiar London fog.
+  You clothe the City in such gloom,
+      We scarce can see across the street,
+  You seem to penetrate each room,
+      And mix with everything I eat.
+  I hardly dare to stir about,
+      But sit supine as any log;
+  You make it torture to go out,
+      Our own peculiar London fog.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE END OF TABLE-TURNING.--An inmate of a lunatic asylum, driven mad by
+spiritualism, wishes to try to turn the multiplication table.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR."--What o'clock is it?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERPETUAL MOTION DISCOVERED.--The _winding_ up of public companies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLIES IN AMBER.--Yellow cabs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _'Bus Driver_ (_to Cabby, who is trying to lash his horse
+into something like a trot_). "Wot's the matter with 'im, Willum? 'E
+don't seem 'isself this mornin'. I believe you've bin an' changed 'is
+milk!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SKETCH FROM LIFE
+
+_Chorus_ (_slow music_). "We're a rare old--fair old--rickety, rackety
+crew!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE--_In a 'Bus._
+
+TIME--_During the Hot Spell._
+
+_First City Man._ "D----d hot, isn't---- I--I beg your pardon, madam,
+I--I quite forgot there was a lady pres----"
+
+_Stout Party._ "Don't apologise. It's much worse than that!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CAPITALISTS
+
+(_A Story of Yesterday for To-morrow and To-day_)
+
+"What, Brown, my boy, is that you?" said Smith, heartily.
+
+"The same, and delighted to see you," was the reply.
+
+"Have you heard the news, my dear fellow?" asked Smith.
+
+"You mean about the position of the Bank of England? Why, certainly; all
+the City is talking about it."
+
+"Ah, it is absolutely grand! Never was the Old Lady of Threadneedle
+Street in such a strong position. Marvellous! my dear friend; absolutely
+marvellous!"
+
+"Quite so. Never were we--as a people--so rich!"
+
+"Yes, prosperity seems to be coming back by leaps and bounds."
+
+"You never said anything so true," observed Smith.
+
+"Right you are," cried Brown.
+
+And then the two friends shook hands once more with increased
+cordiality, and passed on. They walked in different directions a few
+steps, and both stopped. They turned round.
+
+"Smith," said Brown, "I have to ask you a trifling favour."
+
+"Brown, it is granted before I know its purport."
+
+"Well, the truth is, I am penniless--lend me half-a-crown."
+
+Smith paused for a moment.
+
+"You surely do not wish to refuse me?" asked Brown in a tone of pained
+surprise.
+
+"I do not, Smith," replied his friend, with fervour. "Indeed, I do not!"
+
+"Then produce the two-and-sixpence."
+
+"I would, my dear fellow, if in the wide world I could raise it!"
+
+And then the ancient comrades shook hands once again, and parted in
+sorrow, but not in anger. They felt that after all they were only in the
+fashion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NEGLECTED INDUSTRY
+
+"'Ow are yer gettin' on, Bill?"
+
+"Ain't gettin' on at all. I'm beginnin' to think as the publick doesn't
+know what they wants!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOO COMMON A THING.--A member of a limited liability company in a bad
+way, said he should turn itinerant preacher. He was asked why? He said
+he had had a call.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Country Cousin._ "Do you stop at the Cecil?"
+
+_'Bus Driver._ "_Do_ I stop at the Cecil!--_on twenty-eight bob a
+week_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FRIGHTFUL LEVITY.--_Bus-Driver._ "Hullo, gov'nour; got
+any room?" _Policeman, Driving Van_ (_with great want of self-respect_).
+"Just room for one; saved a place a purpose for you, sir." _Bus-Driver._
+"What's yer fare?" _Policeman._ "Bread and water; same as you had
+afore!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A MISUNDERSTANDING.--_Old Gent._ (_evidently from the
+Shires_). "Hi! hoy! stop!" _Conductor._ "'Old 'ard Bill!" (_To Old
+Gent._) "Where are yer for, sir?" _Old Gent._ (_panting in pursuit_).
+"Here!--let's have a--box o' them--_safety matches_!"
+
+    [_Objurgations!_
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE SPECULATIVE BUILDER
+
+  He's the readiest customer living,
+    While you're lending, or spending or giving;
+  But when you'd make profit, or get back your own,
+    He's the awkwardest customer ever you've known.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAVOURITE SONG ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE.--"_Oh! what a difference in the
+morning!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE REAL "BITTER" CRY OF LONDON.--The demand for Bass and Allsopp.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CABBY calls the new auto-cars his motormentors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THOROUGH!--_Hairdresser_ (_to perspiring Customer during
+the late hot weather_). "'Hair cut, sir?"
+
+_Stout Party_ (_falling into the chair, exhausted_). "Ye----"
+
+_Hairdresser._ "Much off, sir?"
+
+_Stout Party._ "(_Phew!_) Cut it to the bone!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DIVERTING THE TRAFFIC!]
+
+THE THING TO THROW LIGHT ON SPIRITUALISTIC SÉANCES.--A spirit-lamp.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RULING PASSION.--A great financial reformer is so devoted to figures
+that when he has nothing else to do he casts up his eyes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BUBBLE CONCERNS.--Aërated water companies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW LONDON STREET DIRECTORY
+
+_Adam Street._--Antediluvian anecdotes and traditions still linger here.
+
+_Air Street._--Doctors send their patients to this locality for change.
+
+_Aldermanbury._--Visited by numbers of bereaved relatives.
+
+_Amwell Street._--Always healthy.
+
+_Barking Alley._--To be avoided in the dog days.
+
+_Boy Court._--Not far from Child's Place.
+
+_Camomile Street._--See Wormwood Street.
+
+_Coldbath Square._--Very bracing.
+
+_Distaff Lane._--Full of spinsters.
+
+_Farm Street._--Highly sensitive to the fluctuations of the corn market.
+
+_Fashion Street._--Magnificent sight in the height of the season.
+
+_First Street._--Of immense antiquity.
+
+_Friday Street._--Great jealousy felt by all the other days of the
+week.
+
+_Garlick Hill._--Make a little _détour_.
+
+_Glasshouse Street._--Heavily insured against hailstorms.
+
+_Godliman Street._--Irreproachable.
+
+_Great Smith Street._--Which of the Smiths is this?
+
+_Grundy Street._--Named after that famous historic character--Mrs.
+Grundy.
+
+_Hercules Buildings._--Rich in traditions and stories of the "Labours"
+of the Founder.
+
+_Homer Street._--Literally classic ground. The house pointed out in
+connection with "the blind old bard" has long since disappeared.
+
+_Idol Lane._--Where are the Missionaries?
+
+_Ivy Lane._--This, and Lillypot Lane, and Woodpecker Lane, and
+Wheatsheaf Yard, and White Thorn Street, all sweetly rural. It is
+difficult to make a selection.
+
+_Lamb's Conduit Street._--Touching description (by the oldest
+inhabitant) of the young lambs coming to drink at the conduit.
+
+_Liquorpond Street._--See Philpot Lane.
+
+_Love Lane._--What sort of love? The "love of the turtle?"
+
+  _Lupus Street._ }
+                  } Both dangerous.
+  _Maddox Street._}
+
+_Milk Street._--Notice the number of pumps.
+
+_Mincing Lane._--Mincing is now mostly done elsewhere, by machinery.
+
+_Orchard Street._--The last apple was gathered here about the time that
+the last coursing match took place in Hare Court.
+
+_Paper Buildings._--Wonderfully substantial! Brief paper extensively
+used in these buildings.
+
+  _Paradise Street._ }
+                     } Difficult to choose between the two.
+  _Peerless Street._ }
+
+  _Poultry._      }
+                  } Crowded at Christmas.
+  _Pudding Lane._ }
+
+_Quality Court._--Most aristocratic.
+
+_Riches Court._--Not a house to be had for love or money.
+
+_Shepherdess Walk._--Ought to be near Shepherds' Bush.
+
+_Trump Street._--Noted for whist.
+
+_Type Street._--Leaves a most favourable impression.
+
+_World's End Passage._--Finis.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A QUALIFIED GUIDE.--_Befogged Pedestrian._ "Could you
+direct me to the river, please?" _Hatless and Dripping Stranger._
+"Straight ahead. I've just come from it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FASHIONABLE AND SEASONABLE.
+
+Where to sup _al fresco_ in the hottest weather. The "_Whelkome_ Club"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE ROUND OF THE RESTAURANTS."--Beef.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SACRIFICE.--_Good Templar._ "Tut--t--t--really, Swizzle,
+it's disgraceful to see a man in your position in this state, after the
+expense we've incurred and the exertions we've used to put down the
+liquor traffic!" _Swizzle._ "Y' may preash as mush as y' like,
+gen'l'm'n, bur I can tell y' I've made more persh'nal efforsh to (_hic_)
+purrown liquor than any of ye!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LONDON FOG
+
+  A fog in London daytime like the night is,
+      Our fellow-creatures seem like wandering ghosts,
+  The dull mephitic cloud will bring bronchitis;
+      You cannon into cabs or fall o'er posts.
+  The air is full of pestilential vapours,
+      Innumerable "blacks" come with the smoke;
+  The thief and rough cut unmolested capers,
+      In truth a London fog's no sort of joke.
+
+  You rise by candle-light or gaslight, swearing
+      There never was a climate made like ours;
+  If rashly you go out to take an airing,
+      The soot-flakes come in black plutonian show'rs.
+  Your carriage wildly runs into another,
+      No matter though you go at walking pace;
+  You meet your dearest friend, or else your brother
+      And never know him, although face to face.
+
+  The hours run on, and night and day commingle,
+      Unutterable filth is in the air;
+  You're much depressed, e'en in the fire-side ingle,
+      The hag dyspepsia seems everywhere.
+  Your wild disgust in vain you try to bridle,
+      Mad as March hare or hydrophobic dog,
+  You feel, in fact, intensely suicidal:
+       Such things befall us in a London fog!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MOST LOYAL OF CUP-BEARERS.--A blind man's dog.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOT QUITE WHAT HE MEANT.
+
+_Joan_ (_on her annual Spring visit to London_). "There, John, I think
+that would suit me."
+
+_Darby_ (_grumblingly_). "_That_, Maria? Why, a pretty figure it would
+come to!"
+
+_Joan._ "Ah, John dear, you're always so complimentary! I'll go and ask
+the price."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STARTING A SYNDICATE
+
+A Serio-Comic Interlude
+
+SCENE--_An Office in the City._ TIME--_After Lunch._
+
+PRESENT--_Members of a proposed Syndicate._
+
+_First Member._ And now, gentlemen, to business. I suppose we may put
+down the capital at fifty thousand?
+
+_Second Mem._ Better make it five hundred thousand. Half a million is so
+much easier to get.
+
+_Third Mem._ Of course. Who would look at a paltry fifty?
+
+_First Mem._ Perhaps you are right. Five pound shares, eh?
+
+_Fourth Mem._ Better make them sovereigns. Simpler to manipulate.
+
+_First Mem._ I daresay. Then the same solicitors as our last?
+
+_Fifth Mem._ Yes, on the condition that they get a firm to undertake the
+underwriting.
+
+_First Mem._ Necessarily. The firm I propose, gentlemen, are men of
+business, and quite recognise that nothing purchases nothing.
+
+_Second Mem._ And they could get the secretary with a thousand to
+invest.
+
+_First Mem._ Certainly. Our brokers, bankers, and auditors as before.
+Eh, gentlemen?
+
+_Fifth Mem._ On the same conditions.
+
+_First Mem._ That is understood. And now the prospectus is getting into
+shape. Is there anything else anyone can suggest?
+
+_Fourth Mem._ Oughtn't we to have some object in view?
+
+_First Mem._ Assuredly. Making money.
+
+_Fourth Mem._ Don't be frivolous. But what I mean is, should we not know
+for what purpose we are going to expend the half million?
+
+_First Mem._ Oh, you mean the name. Well, that comparatively unimportant
+detail we might safely leave until our next pleasant gathering.
+
+    [_Meeting adjourned._
+
+          _Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN EXTREMIS.--That man is indeed hard up who cannot get credit even for
+good intentions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WALKER!"--How unfair to sneer at the City tradesmen for being above
+their business, when so few of them live over their shops!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: An early morning snapshot in the suburbs. Mr. Bumpus
+dresses his window.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS
+
+Proposed elevated roadway for perambulators]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXAMINATION FOR A DIRECTORSHIP
+
+(_From "The City Man's Vade Mecum"_)
+
+_Promoter._ Are you a gentleman of blameless reputation?
+
+_Candidate._ Certainly, and I share that reputation with a dozen
+generations of ancestors.
+
+_Promoter._ And no doubt you are the soul of honour?
+
+_Candidate._ That is my belief--a belief shared by all my friends and
+acquaintances.
+
+_Promoter._ And I think, before taking up finance, you have devoted a
+long life to the service of your country?
+
+_Candidate._ That is so. My career has been rewarded by all kinds of
+honours.
+
+_Promoter._ And there is no particular reason why you should dabble in
+Stock Exchange matters?
+
+_Candidate._ None that I know of--save, perhaps, to serve a friend.
+
+_Promoter._ Now, be very careful. Do you know anything whatever about
+the business it is proposed you should superintend?
+
+_Candidate._ Nothing whatever. I know nothing absolutely about business.
+
+_Promoter._ Then I have much pleasure in informing you that you have
+been unanimously elected a member of the board of management!
+
+    [_Scene closes in until the public demands further information._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "_Perfeck Lidy_" (_who has just been ejected_). "Well,
+_next_ time I goes into a publickouse, I'll go somewhere where I'll be
+_respected_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RIDDLE FOR THE CITY
+
+  Oh! why, my friend, is a joint stock
+  Concern like, yet unlike, a clock?
+  Because it may be wound up; when,
+  Alas! it doesn't go again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SEAT OF IMPUDENCE.--A cabman's box.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG OF SUBURBAN HOUSEHOLDERS AWAITING THE ADVENT OF THE DUSTMAN.--"We
+_always_ use a big, big D!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FLOATING CAPITAL JOKE.--When may a man be said to be literally
+immersed in business?--When he's giving a swimming lesson.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHEERFUL INVESTMENT.--A laughing-stock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Baker._ "I shall want another ha'penny. Bread's gone up
+to-day."
+
+_Boy._ "Then give us one of yesterday's."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHY I AM IN TOWN
+
+Because I have long felt a strong desire to know by personal experiment
+what London is like at this season of the year.
+
+Because the house requires some repairs, and I am anxious to be on the
+spot to look after the workpeople.
+
+Because the progress of my book on Universal Eccentricity renders it
+necessary that I should pay frequent visits to the library of the
+British Museum.
+
+Because I have been everywhere, and know every place.
+
+Because the sanitary condition of the only place I at all care to go to
+is not altogether satisfactory.
+
+Because my Uncle Anthony is expected home every day from Australia, and
+I am unwilling to be absent from town when he arrives.
+
+Because my cousin Selina is going to be married from her stepfather's at
+Upper Clapton, and insists on my giving her away to the gentleman with
+whom she is about to penetrate into the interior of Africa.
+
+Because I am desirous to avail myself of this opportunity of completing
+some statistical tables I am compiling, showing the comparative numbers
+of horses, carriages, and pedestrians passing my dining-room windows on
+the last Saturday in May and the last Saturday in August respectively.
+
+Because my eldest son is reading with a private tutor for his army
+examination, and I feel I am of some use to him in his studies.
+
+Because my Aunt Philippa is detained in town by an attack of gout, and
+expects me to call and sit with her three times a day.
+
+Because I am determined to put into execution my long-cherished design
+of thoroughly exploring the British Museum, the National Gallery, the
+South Kensington Museum, St. Paul's, Westminster Abbey, the public
+monuments, and the City churches.
+
+Because it is pecuniarily inconvenient to me to be anywhere else.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--The gentleman who, the other day, ran away from home, without
+stopping to take his breath, is requested to fetch it as quickly as
+possible.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOGGED.--_Cabman_ (_who thinks he has been passing a line
+of linkmen_). "Is this right for Paddington?" _Linkman._ "'Course it is!
+First to the right and straight on. 'Aven't I told ye that three times
+already? Why, you've been drivin' round this square for the last 'arf
+hour!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VIRTUOUS INDIGNATION.--_Betting Man_ (_to his Partner_).
+"Look 'ere, Joe! I 'ear you've been gamblin' on the Stock Exchange! Now,
+a man _must_ draw the line _somewhere_; and if that kind of thing goes
+on, you and me will 'ave to part company!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MISNOMERS
+
+  You start a company to make it go,
+      It fails, and so you drop it;
+  It didn't go but yet has gone, and so
+      You wind it up to stop it.
+
+  Stocks in your garden you will surely find
+      By want of rain are slaughtered;
+  Yet many stocks have languished and declined
+      Because they have been watered.
+
+  Suppose a company for brewing beer
+      Should come to a cessation--
+  That is--"dry up" 'tis curious to hear
+      It's called "in liquidation."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PREHISTORIC LONDON.--Some archæologists have discovered an analogy
+between the druidical worship and a form of semitic idolatry. It has
+been surmised that the Old Bailey derives its name from having been the
+site of a temple of Baal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RULE OF ROME.--An "Inquiring City Clerk," fresh from his Roman
+history, writes to ask if "S.P.Q.R." stands for "Small profits, quick
+returns."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TEMPERANCE PUBLIC-HOUSE.--A slop-shop.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MELTING MOMENTS
+
+(_Temperature 95° in the Shade._)
+
+_Friend._ "How does this weather suit you, old chap?"
+
+_Bankrupt Proprietor._ "Oh, down to the ground! You see, I'm in
+liquidation!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ORIGINAL COOK'S TOURIST.--Policeman X on his beat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE GREAT PLAGUE OF LONDON."--A barrel-organ.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LATEST THING OUT.--The night-light.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Johnny_ (_who has to face a bad Monday, to Manager at
+Messrs. R-thsch-ld's_). "Ah! I--want to--ah!--see you about an
+overdraft." _Manager._ "How much do you require?" _Johnny._ "Ah!--how
+much have you got?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _French Lady._ "Picca-di-lee Circus." _Obliging
+Conductor._ "All right. One pence." _French Lady_ (_who rather prides
+herself on her English pronunciation_). "I anterstond ze Engleeshe
+langue." _Obliging Conductor._ "Oh, all right. Keep yer 'air on!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MOST UNPLEASANT MEETING.--Having to meet a bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT intimate connection is there between the lungs of London and the
+lights of the metropolis?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SAW FOR SLOP TAILORS.--Ill tweeds shrink apace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TISSUE OF LIES.--A forged bank-note.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NICE INVESTMENT.--Amongst the advertisements of new undertakings we
+notice one of "The Universal Disinfector Company." Our broker has
+instructions to procure us some shares, if they are in good odour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TIGHT FIT.--Intoxication.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO SUPPLY ST. PAUL'S WITH BELLS AND CHIMES _Cheap_.--Melt down the
+canons.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A THOUGHT FROM OUR TUB.--Respect everybody's feelings. If you wish to
+have your laundress's address, avoid asking her where she "hangs out."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARD LINES.--Overhead wires.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOTEL FOR BEE-FANCIERS.--The Hum-mums.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNPRECEDENTED TRADE ANNOUNCEMENT.--The pig-market was quiet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MONEY MARKET AND SANITARY INTELLIGENCE.--The unsafest of all deposits is
+the deposit of the banks of the Thames.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PLACE TO SPEND ALL FOOLS' DAY.--_Madame Tous-sots'._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bus-driver._ "All right, ladies! You're quite safe.
+They're werry partikler wot they eats!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS
+
+The next sensational literary advertisement; or, things of beauty in our
+streets.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOLEMN JEST.--Where should postmen be buried? In a post-crypt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BLUNDER-BUS.--One that takes you to Holborn when you want to go to the
+Bank.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EPITAPH FOR A STOCKBROKER.--"Waiting for a rise."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOARD WAGES.--Directors' fees.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STOCK EXCHANGE
+
+_Illustrated by Dumb-Crambo, Junior_]
+
+[Illustration: Carrying over]
+
+[Illustration: Market firm]
+
+[Illustration: Arranging for a fall]
+
+[Illustration: Market falling]
+
+[Illustration: Preparing for a rise]
+
+[Illustration: Home securities flat]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW WAY TO GET A FRESH APPETITE
+
+(_A real bit from life at a City company's dinner_)
+
+_Young Visitor._ Really, sir, you must excuse me. I am compelled to
+refuse.
+
+_Old Alderman_ (_with profound astonishment_). What, refuse these
+beautiful grouse? It's impossible!
+
+_Young Visitor._ It _is_ impossible, I can assure you, sir. I cannot eat
+any more.
+
+_Old Alderman_ (_tenderly_). Come, come. I tell you what now. Just take
+my advice, and _try a cold chair_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DESIGN FOR A PAPER-WEIGHT.--The portrait of a gentleman waiting for the
+_Times_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST "FINANCIAL RELATIONS."--Our "uncles."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE ANGEL COURT KITCHEN.--_Stranger_ (_to Eminent Financier_). Why
+did you call that man at the bar "the Microbe"?
+
+_Eminent Financier._ Because he's "in everything."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GROUND RENTS.--The effects of an earthquake.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOLLOWING THE FASHION.--_Baked-Tater Merchant._ "'Ow's
+trade! Why fust-rate!! I'm a-goin' to conwert the bis'ness into a
+limited liability comp'ny--and retire into private life!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF THE STREETS
+
+UPON THE KERB
+
+  Upon the kerb a maiden neat--
+  Her watchet eyes are passing sweet--
+      There stands and waits in dire distress:
+      The muddy road is pitiless,
+  And 'buses thunder down the street!
+
+  A snowy skirt, all frill and pleat;
+  Two tiny, well-shod, dainty feet
+      Peep out, beneath her kilted dress,
+            Upon the kerb!
+
+  She'll first advance and then retreat,
+  Half frightened by a hansom fleet.
+      She looks around, I must confess,
+      With marvellous coquettishness!--
+  Then droops her eyes and looks discreet,
+            Upon the kerb!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Definition of "THE HAPPY MEAN."--A joyful miser.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO PEOPLE DOWN IN THE WORLD.--Try the new hotels: they will give you a
+lift.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT is the best thing to do in a hurry? Nothing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sarah_ (_to Sal_). "Lor! ain't 'e 'andy with 'is feet!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCH'S COUNTRY COUSIN'S GUIDE
+
+THE METROPOLIS IN THE _MORTE SAISON_
+
+8 A.M.--Rise, as in the country, and stroll round the squares before
+breakfast, to see the turn out of cooks and charwomen. Ask your way back
+of the first policeman you meet.
+
+9 A.M.--Breakfast. First taste of London milk and butter. Analyse, if
+not in a hurry. Any policeman will show you the nearest chemist.
+
+10 A.M.--To Battersea Park to see carpets beaten. Curious atmospheric
+effects observable in the clouds of dust and the language of the
+beaters. Inquire your road of any policeman.
+
+11 A.M.--Take penny steamer up to Westminster Bridge, in time to arrive
+at Scotland Yard, and inspect the police as they start on their various
+beats. For any information, inquire of the inspector.
+
+12 P.M.--Hansom cab races. These can be viewed at any hour by standing
+still at a hundred yards from any cabstand and holding up a shilling.
+An amusing sequel may be enjoyed by referring all the drivers to the
+nearest policeman.
+
+1 P.M.--Observe the beauties of solitude among the flowers in Hyde Park.
+Lunch at the lodge on curds and whey. Ask the whey of the park keeper.
+
+2 P.M.--Visit the exhibitions of painting on the various scaffoldings in
+Belgravia. Ask the next policeman if the house painters are Royal
+Academicians. Note what he says.
+
+3 P.M.--Look at the shops in Bond Street and Regent Street, and purchase
+the dummy goods disposed of at an awful sacrifice.
+
+4 P.M.--See the stickleback fed at the Westminster Aquarium. If nervous
+at being alone, ask the policeman in waiting to accompany you over the
+building.
+
+5 P.M.--Find a friend still in town to give you five o'clock tea in her
+back drawing-room--the front of the house being shut up.
+
+6 P.M.--Back to the park. Imagine the imposing cavalcades in Rotten Row
+(now invisible), with the aid of one exercising groom and the two
+daughters of a riding-master in full procession.
+
+7 P.M.--Wake up the waiters at the Triclinium Restaurant, and persuade
+them to warm up dinner for your benefit.
+
+8 P.M.--Perambulate the Strand, and visit the closed doors of the
+various theatres. Ask the nearest policeman for his opinion on London
+actors. You will find it as good as a play.
+
+9 P.M.--A Turkish bath may be had in Covent Garden Theatre. Towels or
+programmes are supplied by the policemen at the doors.
+
+10 P.M.--Converse, before turning in, with the policeman on duty or the
+fireman in charge of the fire-escape. Much interesting information may
+be obtained in this way.
+
+11 P.M.--Supper at the cabmen's shelter, or the coffee stall corner of
+Hyde Park. Get a policeman to take you home to bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Benevolent Old Gentleman._ "_Poor_ little thing! Is it
+hurt?"
+
+    [_But it was only the week's washing._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AMENITIES OF THE ROAD.--_Robert._ "Now then,
+four-wheeler, why couldn't you pull up sooner? Didn't you see me 'old up
+my 'and?" _Cabby_ (_suavely_). "Well, constable, I _did_ see a kind of
+shadder pass acrorst the sky; but my 'orse 'e shied at your feet!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Q._ WHAT is the best sort of cigar to smoke in a hansom?
+
+_A._ A Cab-ana.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.--It must have belonged originally to an omnibus,
+for it is continually "taking up" and "putting down" people.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Groom_ (_whose master is fully occupied with
+unmanageable pair which has just run into rear of omnibus_). "Well,
+anyway, it wasn't the guv'nor's fault."
+
+'_Bus Conductor._ "No--it was _your_ fault, for letting 'im drive!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE WAY WE BUILD NOW."--_Indignant Houseowner_ (_he had
+heard it was so much cheaper, in the end, to buy your house_).
+"Wh' what's the--what am I!--wha' what do you suppose is the meaning of
+this, Mr. Scampling!"
+
+_Local Builder._ "'T' tut, tut! Well, sir, I 'spects
+some one's been a-leanin' agin it!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GETTING HIS ANSWER
+
+_Important Old Gent_ (_from the country, who thinks the lofty bearing of
+these London barmaids ought to be "taken down a bit"_). "Glass of ale,
+young woman; and look sharp, please!"
+
+_Haughty Blonde_ (_blandly_). "Second-class refreshments lower down,
+sir!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MEAT MARKET
+
+Legs were freely walked off, and there was a pressure on ribs owing to
+the rush of beggars; but knuckles came down, while calves'-heads were
+looking-up steadily. At Smithfield, there was a rush of bulls, but the
+transactions were of such a hazardous nature as to appear more like a
+toss-up than firm business. Any kind of security was resorted to, and
+the bulls having driven a well-known speculator into a corner, he was
+glad to get out as he could, though an attempt was made to pin him to
+his position.
+
+Pigs went on much at the old rates; and briskness could not be obtained,
+though the _coupons_ were freely offered.
+
+The weather having been favourable to slaughtering, calves have not been
+brought to the pen--but there is something doing in beef, for the "_Last
+of the Barons_" is advertised.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ORIGINAL CAB RADIUS.--A spoke of Phoebus's chariot-wheel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR THE L.G.O.C.--_Bus_ in urbe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY
+
+_Old Gentleman (returning from City festivity)._ "Pleashm'n, where'sh
+M'sht'r Brown live?"
+
+_Constable (recognising him)._ "Why, dear me, sir, you are Mr. Brown!"
+
+_Mr. B._ "Aw right! Bu'--where do I live?"!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Cheap Jack._ "I will make a present of this genooine
+gold watch--none of your carrots--to henny lady or gentleman for fifteen
+shillings an' sixpence. Why am I doin' this? To hencourage trade, that
+is why I am givin' it away for fourteen shillings an' sixpence. Look at
+it for yourselves, for fourteen shillings! If yer don't believe it's
+gold, _jump on it_?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE DIAMOND JUBILEE.--_First Doubtful Character._ "My
+eye, mate, this is a squash!" _Second D. C._ "Squash! Why, s'elp me, if
+I ain't 'ad my 'and in this cove's pocket for the larst twenty minits,
+an' can't get it out!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BACK TO TOWN
+
+  Back to town, and it certes is rapture to stand,
+  And to hear once again all the roar of the Strand;
+  I agree with the bard who said, noisy or stilly,
+  By gaslight or daylight, he loved Piccadilly;
+  The wanderer's heart with emotion doth swell,
+  When he sees the broad pavement of pleasant Pall Mall.
+
+  Some folks like the City; wherever they range,
+  Their hearts are still true to the Royal Exchange;
+  They've beheld alpine summits rise rank upon rank,
+  But the Matterhorn's nothing compared with the Bank;
+  And they feel quite rejoiced in the omnibus ride,
+  As that hearse for the living rolls up through Cheapside.
+
+  The mind of a man is expanded by travel,
+  But give me my house on the Kensington gravel:
+  The wine of the Frenchman is good, and his grub,
+  But he isn't devoted to soap and the tub;
+  Though it may be my prejudice, yet I'll be shot,
+  If I don't think one Englishman's worth all the lot!
+
+  With Germans I've no disposition to quarrel,
+  Though most of their women resemble a barrel;
+  And, as for myself, I could never make out
+  The charms of their _schnitzel_ and raw _sauer-kraut_;
+  While everyone owns, since the last mighty war,
+  Your average Teuton's too bumptious by far.
+
+  I think it's been stated before, that you roam
+  To prove to yourself that there's no place like home,
+  Though lands that are lovely lie eastward and west,
+  Our "tight little island," believe me, 's the best;
+  Through Paris, Berlin, and Vienna you've passed,
+  To find that there's nothing like London at last!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _New Assistant (after hair-cutting, to Jones, who has
+been away for a couple of weeks)._ "Your 'air is very thin be'ind, sir.
+Try singeing!"
+
+_Jones (after a pause)._ "Yes, I think I will."
+
+_N. A. (after singeing)._ "Shampoo, sir? Good for the 'air, sir."
+
+_Jones._ "Thank you. Yes."
+
+_N. A._ "Your moustaches curled?"
+
+_Jones._ "Please."
+
+_N. A._ "May I give you a friction?"
+
+_Jones._ "Thank you."
+
+_N. A._ "Will you try some of our----"
+
+_Manager (who has just sighted his man, in stage whisper)._ "You idiot!
+_He's_ a subscriber!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. R. was in an omnibus lately. The streets were so badly paved, she
+says, that the osculations were most trying to elderly people, though
+the younger ladies did not seem to object to them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.--"Suits from 35s. to order. Beware of firms
+that copy us."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIGNS OF A SEVERE WINTER IN LONDON.--Early departure of swallows from
+Swallow Street.
+
+Poet's Corner covered with rime.
+
+Wild ducks on the Stock Exchange.
+
+Coals raised.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CYNIC'S MOTTO FOR KELLY'S DIRECTORY (_by the kind permission of the
+Author of "Dead Men whom I have known."_)--Living men whom I don't want
+to know.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MONEY MARKET--Shares, in Ascension Island Company, going up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CITY INTELLIGENCE.--Should the proposed asylum for decayed bill brokers,
+jobbers, and others on 'Change be ultimately built, it will probably be
+at Stock-holm.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONVENIENT.--_Lodger (who has been dining)._ "D' you have
+any 'bjecks'n t' my 'shcaping up into my rooms shec'nd floor? F'got my
+la'ch-key!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADVICE TO SMOKERS.--Cut Cavendish.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.--A new club, composed entirely of aristocratic
+literary ladies, is in course of formation; it is to be called "The Blue
+Lights."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYME FOR THE TIME
+
+  Bye baby bunting,
+  Daddy's gone a hunting
+  On the Stock Exchange, to catch
+  Some one who is not his match;
+      If he has luck,
+      As well as pluck,
+  A coach he'll very likely win
+  To ride his baby bunting in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DEAF MAN'S PARADISE.--The Audit Office.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "CASTING ACCOUNTS"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR FRENCH VISITORS.--(Scene--_Royal Exchange_). _First
+Frenchman (his first time in London)._ "Tiens, Alphonse! Qui est cet
+homme-là?" _Second Frenchman (who, having been here once before is
+supposed to know all about it)._ "Chut! Plus bas, mon ami." (_Whispers
+in reverential tone._) "Ce monsieur-là--c'est le Lor' Maire!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VERY MUCH OVER-RATED PLACE.--London, under the County Council.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BILL ACCEPTOR.--A dead wall.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SITE FOR A RAGGED SCHOOL.--Tattersall's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LINKS THAT ARE NO SORT OF USE IN ANY FOG.--Shirt-links.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND BEAUTIFYING TREE IN LONDON.--The plane.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"COIGNS OF 'VANTAGE."--_£_ _s_. _d_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BULL AND BEAR]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "BREAD OF IDLENESS."--Loafing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POEM ON A PUBLIC-HOUSE
+
+  Of this establishment how can we speak?
+  Its cheese is mitey and its ale is weak.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ARISTOCRAT'S PARADISE.--Quality Court.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE CONTROLLER OF THE _MINT_."--The greengrocer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEASONABLE.--What sort of a bath would a resident of Cornhill probably
+prefer? A _Cit's_ bath.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TIPPLER'S PARADISE.--Portsoken Ward.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MONEY MARKET
+
+[Illustration: Tightness observable at the opening]
+
+[Illustration: A decline at the close]
+
+[Illustration: Railways were dull]
+
+[Illustration: Bullyin' movements]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STOCKBROKER'S VADE MECUM.--A book of good quotations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EPITAPH ON A LETTER CARRIER.--_Post obit._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MAN IN ADVANCE OF HIS TIME.--One who has been knocked into the middle
+of next week.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LORD MAYOR'S RESIDENCE.--The munching house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NEW TERROR FOR THE UNPUNCTUAL CLERK
+
+[According to the _Scientific American_ they have commenced making in
+Switzerland phonographic clocks and watches, which pronounce the hour
+most distinctly.]
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST SCHOOL OF COOKERY.--The office of a City accountant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE OBSTINACY OF THE PARENT
+
+_Emily Jane._ "Yes, I'm always a-sayin' to father as 'e oughter retire
+from the crossin', but keep at it 'e will, though it ain't just no more
+'n the broom as 'olds 'im up!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MONEY MARKET
+
+The scarcity of money is frightful. As much as a hundred per cent., to
+be paid in advance, has been asked upon bills; but we have not yet heard
+of any one having given it. There was an immense run for gold, but no
+one got any, and the whole of the transactions of the day were done in
+copper. An influential party created some sensation by coming into the
+market late in the afternoon, just before the close of business, with
+half-a-crown; but it was found, on inquiry, to be a bad one. It is
+expected that if the dearth of money continues another week, buttons
+must be resorted to. A party, whose transactions are known to be large,
+succeeded in settling his account with the bulls, by means of
+postage-stamps; an arrangement of which the bears will probably take
+advantage.
+
+A large capitalist in the course of the day attempted to change the
+direction things had taken, by throwing an immense quantity of paper
+into the market; but as no one seemed disposed to have anything to do
+with it, it blew over.
+
+The parties to the Dutch loan are much irritated at being asked to take
+their dividends in butter; but, after the insane attempt to get rid of
+the Spanish arrears by cigars, which, it is well known, ended in smoke,
+we do not think the Dutch project will be proceeded with.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LETTERS OF CREDIT."--I.O.U.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.--Stopping in London in August.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RESIDENCE FOR THE CLERK OF THE WEATHER.--"The clearing-house."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A MAN OF LETTERS]
+
+[Illustration: MOST ASSURING.--_Brown (who is nervous about sanitary
+matters, and detects something)._ "Hum"--(_sniffs_)--"surely--this
+system of yours--these pipes now--do they communicate with your main
+drain?" _Hairdresser (with cheery gusto)._ "Direct, sir!"
+
+    [_Tableau._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Gilded Johnny._ "How long will it take your bally cab to
+get to Victoria?"
+
+_Cabby._ "Oh, just about the same time as an ordinary keb, sir."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND"
+
+_Respectable Man._ "Dear me! I'm sorry to see this, Muggles! I heard
+you'd left off drinking!"
+
+_Disreputable Party._ "Sho I 'ave, shir--(_hic_)--jesh 'ish very
+minute!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OBVIOUS.--_Stingy Uncle (to impecunious Nephew)._ "Pay as
+you go, my boy!--Pay as you go!"
+
+_Nephew (suggestively)._ "But suppose I haven't any money to pay with,
+uncle----"
+
+_Uncle._ "Eh?--Well, then, don't go, you know--don't go!"
+
+    [_Exit hastily_.
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Street Serio (singing)._ "Er--yew will think hov me and
+love me has in dies hov long ago-o-o!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHEWERFIT & C^o.
+
+  ARTISTS IN HAIR
+  FACE MASSAGE
+  MANICURE
+  CHIROPODY
+  BLOOM OF CUPID
+  FOR THE COMPLEXION
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REAL GRATITUDE
+
+_Tramp (to Chappie, who has just given him a shilling)._ "I 'ope as 'ow
+some day, sir, _you_ may want a shillin', an' that I'll be able to give
+it to yer!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Vendor of Cheap Music._ "'Ere y' are, lidy! _'I'll be
+yer Sweet'art.'_ One penny!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CORRESPONDENCE
+
+If you please, sir, as a young visitor to the metropolis, and well
+acquainted with history, I want to ask you--
+
+Who is the Constable of the Tower?
+
+What is his number?
+
+Is he dressed like other constables?
+
+Can he run anyone in, and make them move on if found loitering on
+his beat?
+
+Is his beat all round the Tower?
+
+Is he a special? one of the _force de tour_, empowered to use a
+_tour de force_? (You see I am well up in French.)
+
+I saw a very amiable-looking policeman cracking nuts in the
+vicinity of the Tower. Do you think this was the constable in
+question?
+
+Yours,
+
+RUSTY CUSS IN URBE.
+
+    P.S.--Pantheon means a place where all the gods are. I know Greek.
+    The Pantheon in Regent Street I find is now a wine merchant's. Is
+    England exclusively devoted to Bacchus, and is temperance a heresy?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON THE NINTH.
+
+_Freddy._ "And do they have a new Lord Mayor every year, mummie?"
+
+_Mother._ "Yes, dear."
+
+_Freddy._ "Then what do they do with the old Lord Mayors when they've
+done with 'em?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Clerk._ "Lady been here this morning, sir, complaining
+about some goods we sent her." _Employer._ "Who was she?" _Clerk._ "I
+quite forgot to ask her name, sir, but she's a little woman--_with a
+full-sized tongue_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Little Boldwig_ (_he had been dining with his Company,
+and had let himself in with his latchkey--to gigantic stranger he finds
+in his hall_). "Come on. I'll fight you!" (_Furiously._) "Put your
+shtick down!!"
+
+    [_But his imaginary foe was only the new umbrella-stand_--_a present
+    from Mrs. B.!_
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MAKING THE MOST OF IT]
+
+A SHOCKING THING TO THINK OF!--A galvanic battery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CASH ADVANCES."--Courting a rich widow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR HAIRDRESSERS.--"Cut and comb again."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CORRECT MOTTO FOR THE EASY SHAVER.--Nothing like lather.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ADVERTISEMENT INADVERTENCIES
+
+_Perpetrated by Dumb-Crambo, Junior_]
+
+[Illustration: "Suitable opening for a pupil"]
+
+[Illustration: "Pushing man to take orders"]
+
+[Illustration: "No reasonable offer refused"]
+
+[Illustration: "Mother's help wanted"]
+
+[Illustration: "A good plate cleaner"]
+
+[Illustration: "Goods carefully removed (in town or country)"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST POSSESSION.--Self-possession.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TWO SYNONYMOUS TRADES.--A hairdresser; a locksmith.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST SUBSTITUTE FOR COAL.--Warm weather.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PASSING AMENITIES.--_Growler._ "Hi! Hi! Carn't yer look
+out wher' yer a-comin'?" _Omnibus._ "Garn! Shut up, jack-in-the-box!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I wonder when that A. B. C. girl is going to serve us?
+I've called her half-a-dozen times."
+
+"Perhaps she's D. E. F."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOWN IMPROVEMENT.--There is, we hear, a winter garden to be opened at
+Somer's Town.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DUMMY-MONDE.--Madame Tussaud's wax-work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SO INVITING!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Passenger_ (_rising politely_). "Excuse me, mum, but do
+you believe in woman's rights?"
+
+_New Woman._ "Most certainly I do."
+
+_Passenger_ (_resuming seat_). "Oh well, then stand up for 'em!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DESPERATE RESOLVES OF THE LAST MAN LEFT IN TOWN
+
+To visit the National Gallery (for the first time), as an Englishman
+should really know something about the art treasures of his native
+country.
+
+To spend an hour at the Tower (also for the first time), because there
+you will be able to brighten up your historical recollections which have
+become rather rusty since you took your B.A. degree just fifteen years
+ago.
+
+To enter St. Paul's Cathedral with a view to thinking out a really good
+plan of decoration for the benefit of those who read letters addressed
+to the editor of the _Times_.
+
+To take a ride in an omnibus from Piccadilly to Brompton to see what the
+interior of the vehicle in question is like, and therein to study the
+manners and customs of the English middle classes.
+
+To walk in Rotten Row between the hours of twelve (noon) and two (p.m.)
+to see how the place looks without any people in it.
+
+To have your photograph taken in your militia uniform, as now there is
+no one in town to watch you getting out of a cab in full war paint.
+
+To stroll into Mudie's Library to get all the new novels, because after
+reading them you may suddenly find yourself inspired to write a critique
+that will make your name (when the article has been accepted and
+published) as a most accomplished reviewer.
+
+To read all the newspapers and magazines at the hairdresser's while your
+head is being shampooed (for the fourth time), as now is the time for
+improving your mind (occupied with so many other things during the
+season) with popular current literature.
+
+To walk to your club (closed for repairs, &c.) to see how the workmen
+are progressing with the stone scraping of the exterior, as you feel
+yourself responsible to hundreds of your fellow-creatures as a member of
+the house committee.
+
+To write a long letter to your friend Brown, of the 121st Foot, now in
+India with his regiment, to tell him how nothing is going on anywhere,
+because you have not written to him since he said "Good-bye" to you at
+Southampton.
+
+To go home to bed at nine o'clock, as early hours are good for the
+health, and because there is really nothing else to do.
+
+And last, but not least, to leave London for the country by the very
+first train to-morrow morning!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING IN THE CITY
+
+  Sigh no more dealers, sigh no more,
+    Shares were unstable ever,
+  They often have been down before,
+    At high rates constant never.
+      Then sigh not so,
+      Soon up they'll go,
+    And you'll be blithe and funny,
+      Converting all your notes of woe
+    Into hey, money, money.
+
+  Write no more letters, write no mo
+    On stocks so dull and heavy.
+  At times on 'Change 'tis always so,
+    When bears a tribute levy.
+      Then sigh not so,
+      And don't be low,
+    In sunshine you'll make honey,
+      Converting all your notes of woe,
+    Into hey, money, money.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE DESERTED VILLAGE."--London in September.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CLOCKMAKER'S PARADISE.--Seven Dials.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STUDIES IN EVOLUTION.--Alderman Brownjones senior
+explains to his son, Alderman Brownjones junior, that there is a
+lamentable falling-off since _his_ day, in the breed of
+aldermen-sheriffs--not only in style and bearing, but even in
+"happetite"!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Gent_ (_rushing out of club in a terrific hurry_). "I
+say, cabby, drive as fast as you can to Waterloo--Leatherhead!"
+
+_Cabby._ "'Ere, I say, not so much of your _leather'ed_, if you please!"
+
+    [_Goes off grumbling._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mrs. Snobson_ (_who is doing a little slumming for the
+first time and wishes to appear affable, but is at a loss to know how to
+commence conversation_). "Town very empty!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW EDITION OF WALKER
+
+  The baker rolls.
+  The butcher shambles.
+  The banker balances himself well.
+  The cook has a mincing gait.
+  The livery-stable keeper has a "_musing_ gait."
+  The excursionist trips along.
+  The fishmonger flounders on.
+  The poulterer waddles like a duck.
+  The gardener does not allow the grass to grow under his feet.
+  The grocer treads gingerly.
+  The indiarubber manufacturer has an elastic step.
+  The rogue shuffles, and
+  The doctor's pace is killing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHOPKEEPER'S SCIENCE.--Buyology.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PEOPLE talk about making a clean sweep. Can they make a sweep clean?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BENEATH ONE'S NOTICE.--Advertisements on the pavement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE ABSENT-MINDED BEGGAR" (_With apologies to Mr.
+Kipling_)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Talkative Old Lady_ (_drinking a glass of milk, to
+enthusiastic teetotaler, who is doing ditto_). "Yes, sir, since they're
+begun poisoning the beer, we _must_ drink _something_, mustn't we?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Small Boy_ (_who is somewhat cramped for room_). "Are
+you still there, Billy? I thought you wos lost."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Irate Old Gentleman._ "Here, I say, your beast of a dog
+has bitten a piece out of my leg!" _Dog's Owner._ "Oh, bother! And I
+wanted to bring him up a vegetarian!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "'Ad any breakfus' 's mornin'?" "Not a drop!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INFANT'S GUIDE TO KNOWLEDGE
+
+CONCERNING CASH
+
+_Question._ What is cash?
+
+_Answer._ Cash may be described as comfort in the concrete.
+
+_Q._ Is it not sometimes called "the root of all evil"?
+
+_A._ Yes, by those who do not possess it.
+
+_Q._ Is it possible to live without cash?
+
+_A._ Certainly--upon credit.
+
+_Q._ Can you tell me what is credit?
+
+_A._ Credit is the motive power which induces persons who have cash, to
+part with some of it to those who have it not.
+
+_Q._ Can you give me an instance of credit?
+
+_A._ Certainly. A young man who is able to live at the rate of a
+thousand a-year, with an income not exceeding nothing a month, is a case
+of credit.
+
+_Q._ Would it be right to describe such a transaction as "much to his
+credit"?
+
+_A._ It would be more precise to say, "much by his credit"; although
+the former phrase would be accepted by a large class of the community as
+absolutely accurate.
+
+_Q._ What is bimetallism?
+
+_A._ Bimetallism is a subject that is frequently discussed by amateur
+financiers, after a good dinner, on the near approach of the coffee.
+
+_Q._ Can you give me your impression of the theory of bimetallism?
+
+_A._ My impression of bimetallism is the advisability of obtaining
+silver, if you cannot get gold.
+
+_Q._ What is the best way of securing gold?
+
+_A._ The safest way is to borrow it.
+
+_Q._ Can money be obtained in any other way?
+
+_A._ In the olden time it was gathered on Hounslow Heath and other
+deserted spots, by mounted horsemen wearing masks and carrying pistols.
+
+_Q._ What is the modern way of securing funds, on the same principles,
+but with smaller risk?
+
+_A._ By promoting companies and other expedients known to the members of
+the Stock Exchange.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GOOD FIGURE-HEAD.--An arithmetician's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN EMPTY EMBRACE.--"'Ere y'are! Humberella rings, two a
+penny!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Conductor_ (_on "Elephant and Castle" route_). "Fares,
+please!"
+
+_Fare._ "Two elephants!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ONE OF "LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIES"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OVERHEARD OUTSIDE A FAMOUS RESTAURANT
+
+"Hullo, Gus! What are you waiting about here for?"
+
+"I'm waiting till the banks close. I want to cash a cheque!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"UNSATISFACTORY COMMERCIAL RELATIONS."--Our "uncles."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COUNTRY SHAREHOLDERS.--Ploughmen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Working Man, sitting on the steps of a big house in,
+say, Russell Square, smoking pipe. A mate passes by with plumbing tools,
+&c._
+
+_Man with tools._ "Hullo, Jim! Wot are yer doin' 'ere? Caretakin'?"
+
+_Man on steps._ "No. I'm the howner, 'ere."
+
+_Man with tools._ "'Ow's that?"
+
+_Man on steps._ "Why, I did a bit o' plumbing in the 'ouse, an' I took
+the place in part payment for the job."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GLORIOUS FIFTH
+
+_Benevolent Lady_ (_fond of the good old customs_). "Here, my boy, is
+something for your guy."
+
+_Conscientious Youth._ "We ain't got no guy, mum; this 'ere's
+grandfather!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "YOUNG SHAVER."--A barber's baby.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOINT ACCOUNT.--A butcher's bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER "THE SLUMP" IN THE CITY.--_Weak Speculator in South
+African market_ (_about to pay the barber who has been shaving him_). "A
+shilling! eh? Why, your charge used to be only sixpence." _City Barber._
+"Yes, sir; _but you've got such a long face_, we're obliged to increase
+the price!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I don't arst yer fer money. I don't _want_ money. Wot I
+wants is bread. _'Ave_ yer got such a thing as a bit o' bread about yer,
+me lord?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PROMOTER'S VADE MECUM
+
+(_Subject to Revision after the Vacation_)
+
+_Question._ What is meant by the promotion of a company?
+
+_Answer._ The process of separating capital from its possessor.
+
+_Q._ How is this end accomplished?
+
+_A._ By the preparation and publication of a prospectus.
+
+_Q._ Of what does a prospectus consist?
+
+_A._ A front page and a statement of facts.
+
+_Q._ Define a front page.
+
+_A._ The bait covering the hook, the lane leading to the pitfall, the
+lath concealing the quagmire--occasionally.
+
+_Q._ Of what is a front page composed?
+
+_A._ Titles, and other suggestions of respectability.
+
+_Q._ How are these suggestions obtained?
+
+_A._ In the customary fashion.
+
+_Q._ Can a banking account be put to any particular service in the
+promotion of a company?
+
+_A._ Certainly; it eases the wheels in all directions.
+
+_Q._ Can it obtain the good-will of the Press?
+
+_A._ Only of questionable and usually short-lived periodicals.
+
+_Q._ But the destination of the cash scarcely affects the promoter?
+
+_A._ No; for he loses in any case.
+
+_Q._ How much of his profits does he sometimes have to disgorge?
+
+_A._ According to circumstances, from three-fifths to
+nineteen-twentieths of his easily-secured takings.
+
+_Q._ And what does promotion do for the promoter?
+
+_A._ It usually bestows upon him temporary prosperity.
+
+_Q._ Why do you say "temporary"?
+
+_A._ Because a pleasant present is frequently followed by a disastrous
+future.
+
+_Q._ You mean, then, that this prosperity is like the companies
+promoted, "limited"?
+
+_A._ Yes, by the Court of Bankruptcy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ON 'CHANGE"
+
+_Brown._ "Mornin'. Fresh mornin', ain't it?"
+
+_Smith._ "'Course it is. Every morning's a fresh morning! By-bye!"
+
+    [_Brown's temper all day is quite unbearable._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sympathetic Passer-by._ "But if he's badly hurt, why
+doesn't he go to the hospital?" _British Workman._ "Wot! In 'is
+dinner-time!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADVERTISEMENT PERVERSIONS (_By Dumb-Crambo, Junior_)
+
+[Illustration: Washing wanted]
+
+[Illustration: Vacancy for one pupil]
+
+[Illustration: Improver wanted in the dressmaking]
+
+[Illustration: Left-off clothing]
+
+[Illustration: Branch establishment]
+
+[Illustration: Engagement wanted, as housekeeper. Highly recommended]
+
+[Illustration: Board and residence]
+
+[Illustration: Unfurnished flat]
+
+[Illustration: Smart youth wanted]
+
+[Illustration: Mangling done on the shortest notice]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RIVER STYX.--"The thousand masts of Thames."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAN WE SHOULD LIKE TO SEND TO A SÉANCE.--The man who knows how to
+hit the happy medium.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APPROPRIATE _LOCALE_ FOR THE DAIRY SHOW.--Chalk Farm.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TIDY DROP.--A glass of spirits, _neat_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LORD MAYOR'S SHOW AS IT OUGHT TO BE
+
+_Designed by Mr. Punch's Special Processionist_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ANOTHER SUGGESTION FOR THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW AS IT OUGHT
+TO BE]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "'Nuts for the monkeys, sir? Buy a bag o' nuts for the
+monkeys!"
+
+"I'm not going to the Zoo."
+
+"Ah, well, sir, have some to take home to the children!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HYDE PARK, MAY 1
+
+_Country Cousin._ "What is the meaning of this, policeman?"
+
+_Constable._ "Labour day, miss."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Boy_ (_to Cabby with somewhat shadowy horse_). "Look
+'ere, guv'nor, you'd better tie a knot in 'is tail afore 'e gets wet, or
+'e might slip through 'is collar!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Indignant Cabby._ "Shockin' bad 'orse, 'ave I? And wot's
+this hextra tuppence for?--to buy a new 'un with, eh?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUIDDITIES.--_For the Old Ladies._ A tea-party without scandal is like a
+knife without a handle.
+
+Words without deeds are like the husks without the seeds.
+
+Features without grace are like a clock without a face.
+
+A land without the laws is like a cat without her claws.
+
+Life without cheer is like a cellar without beer.
+
+A master without a cane is like a rider without the rein.
+
+Marriage without means is like a horse without his beans.
+
+A man without a wife is like a fork without a knife.
+
+A quarrel without fighting is like thunder without lightning.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR A SELF-MADE AND SUCCESSFUL MONEY-LENDER.--"A loan I did it!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPROPER EXPRESSION.--Let it never be said, that when a man jumps for
+joy, "his delight knows no _bounds_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE opposite to a tea-fight--A coffee-mill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TIP-CAT SEASON HAS NOW COMMENCED
+
+_Street Urchin._ "Now then, old 'un----Fore!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Crossing-Sweeper_ (_to Brown, whose greatest pride is
+his new brougham, diminutive driver, &c._). "'Igh! Stop! You've lost
+somethin'--the coachman!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Irate Bus Driver._ "You wouldn't do that for me, would
+yer?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE STORES. BUY--OUR TAPESTRY ARTIST]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CATTLE-SHOW WEEK
+
+(_By Dumb-Crambo, Junior_)
+
+[Illustration: Scotch polled]
+
+[Illustration: Best wether]
+
+[Illustration: Class for roots]
+
+[Illustration: Steers]
+
+[Illustration: Best butter]
+
+[Illustration: Cross bred]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LINEN TRADE.--There have been a few transactions in rags at
+threepence a pound, and an extensive bone-grubber caused considerable
+excitement by bringing a quantity of waste-paper into the market which
+turned the scale in his own favour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR A MOURNING WAREHOUSE.--Die and let live.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUT OF PLACE.--A vegetarian at the Cattle Show.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FINANCIAL AUTHORITY BADLY WANTED.--The man who can say "bogus" to the
+investing goose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE VEGETABLE MARKET.--Asparagus is looking up, and radishes are taking
+a downward direction. Peas were almost nothing at the opening; and new
+potatoes were buoyant in the basket, but turned out rather heavy at the
+settling. A rush of bulls through the market had a dreadful effect upon
+apple-stalls and other minor securities; but all the established houses
+stood their ground, though the run occasioned a panic among some of the
+proprietors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE QUARTERLY ACCOUNTS.--_Clerk._ "Sorry to say, sir,
+there's a saddle we can't account for. Can't find out who it was sent
+to."
+
+_Employer._ "Charge it on all the bills."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LOVE SONG OF THE MONEY-MARKET
+
+  I will not ask thee to be mine,
+    Because I love thee far too well;
+  Ah! what I feel, who thus resign
+    All hope in life, no words can tell.
+  Only the dictate I obey
+    Of deep affection's strong excess,
+  When, dearest, in despair, I say
+    Farewell to thee and happiness.
+
+  Thy face, so tranquil and serene,
+    To see bedimmed I could not bear,
+  Pinched with hard thrift's expression mean,
+    Disfigured with the lines of care,
+  I could not brook the day to see
+    When thou would'st not, as thou hast now,
+  Have all those things surrounding thee
+    That light the eye and smooth the brow.
+
+  Thou wilt smile calmly at my fear
+    That want would e'er approach our door;
+  I know it must to thee appear
+    A melancholy dream: no more.
+  Wilt thou not be with riches blest?
+    Is not my fortune ample too?
+  Must I not, therefore, be possessed,
+    To feel that dread, of devils blue?
+
+  Alas! my wealth, that should maintain,
+    My bride in glory and in joy,
+  Is built on a foundation vain,
+    Which soon a tempest will destroy.
+  Yes, yes, an interest high, I know
+    My capital at present bears;
+  But in a moment it may go:
+    It is invested all in shares.
+
+  The company is doomed to fall,
+    Spreading around disaster dire,
+  I hear that the directors all
+    Are rogues--the greatest rogue thy sire!
+  Go--seek a happier, wiser mate,
+    Who had the wit to be content
+  With the returns of his estate,
+    And with Consols at three per cent!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FEAST OF ALL FOOLS.--More than is good for them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "LAP" OF LUXURY.--Genuine milk in London.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DISH FOR DIDDLED SHAREHOLDERS.--Bubble and squeak.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCIENCE GOSSIP.--"A City Clerk and a Naturalist" asks whether there is
+not a bird called the _ditto ditto_. Is he not thinking of our old
+acquaintance, the do-do?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO MAKE MONEY.--Get a situation in the Mint.--_Economist._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STRANGE COIN.--Forty _odd_ pounds!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MOMENTOUS QUESTION.--_Paterfamilias (who is just
+beginning to feel himself at home in his delightfully new suburban
+residence) interrupts the wife of his bosom._ "'Seaside!' 'Change of
+air!!' 'Out of town!!!' What nonsense, Anna Maria! Why, good gracious
+me! what on earth can you want to be going '_out of town_' for, when
+you've got such a garden as _this_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SUGGESTIVE
+
+_Dissipated Ballad Howler._ "Sweet spirit, 'ear my prayer!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CORRECTOR OF THE PRESS.--A policeman at a crowded crossing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEVER ON ITS LEGS.--The most constant faller in the metropolis: the
+Strand, because it is always being picked up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MARKETS.--There was a good deal of liveliness in hops, and a party
+of strangers, who seemed to act together, took off the contents of all
+the _pockets_ they could lay hold of. There was little doing in corn,
+and what barley came in was converted into barley-water for a large
+consumer. Peas were distributed freely in small samples through the
+market, by means of tin tubes; and as usual there was a good deal of
+roguery in grain, which it was found necessary to guard against.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FORTNIGHTLY REVIEW.--The account day on the Stock Exchange.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A REGULAR MAKE-SHIFT.--The sewing machine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CITY INTELLIGENCE.--We read, in a great aldermanic authority, that "a
+dinner is on the _tapis_." The _tapis_ alluded to is, of course,
+Gob'lin?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RESULT OF CARELESS BILL-POSTING]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SKETCH NEAR PICCADILLY]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MADAME CHRYSANTHÈME
+
+(_With apologies to "Pierre Loti."_)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION.--_Mrs. Griddleton._ What are those square
+things, coachman, you put over the poor horse's eyes?
+
+_Driver._ Blinkers, ma'am.
+
+_Mrs. G._ Why do you put them on, coachman?
+
+_Driver._ To prevent the 'orse from blinking, ma'am.
+
+    [_Inquiry closed._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INSCRIPTION FOR STREET LETTER-BOXES.--"From Pillar to Post."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW THE TRUTH LEAKS OUT!
+
+SCENE--_Hyde Park. Time: Five o'clock._
+
+_Friend._ Any news? Anything in the papers?
+
+_Government Clerk._ Can't say. Haven't been to the office to-day, my
+boy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHY should a chimney-sweeper be a good whist player? Because he's always
+following soot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BUSINESS.--_Inquirer_ (_drawing up prospectus_). Shall I write "Company"
+with a big C?
+
+_Honest Broker._ Certainly, if it's a sound one, as it represents
+"Company" with a capital.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Shave, or hair cut, sir?"
+
+"_Corns_, you fool!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOT FOR JOSEPH!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PROOF POSITIVE
+
+_Old Lady._ "Do they sell good 'sperrits' at this 'ouse, mister?"
+
+'_Spectable-looking Man_ (_But_--). "Mos' d'schid'ly, look't (hic) me,
+mad'm--for shev'n p'nsh a'penny!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SINKING FUND.--The Royal Humane Society's income.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHREWD SUGGESTION.--It often happens, when the husband fails to be home
+to dinner, that it is one of his _fast_ days.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SCHOOL OF ADVERSITY.--A ragged school.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEVER WASTE YOUR TIME.--Waste somebody else's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEN OF _THE_ TIME.--Chronometer makers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MAN IN ADVANCE OF HIS TIME.--One who has been knocked into the middle
+of next week.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DEAF MAN'S PARADISE.--The Audit Office.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SITE FOR A RAGGED SCHOOL.--Tattersall's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STUFF AND NONSENSE.--A City Banquet, and the speeches after it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ZOOLOGY
+
+"That's a porkypine, Sarah."
+
+"No, it ain't, Bill. It's a orstridge!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FISH MARKET.--Flounders were of course flat, but to the surprise of
+everyone they showed an inclination to come round towards the afternoon,
+and there were one or two transactions in whelks, but they were all of a
+comparatively insignificant character. Lobsters' claws were lazy at the
+opening, but closed heavily; and those who had a hand in them would
+gladly have been released if such a course had been possible.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE BEST POLICY."--That with the largest bonus.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FALSE QUANTITY.--Short measure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN UNUSUAL FLOW OF SPIRITS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONSOLATION STAKES.--Those you get at a City tavern the day after you
+have tried to eat the article at home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A HORRIBLE BUSINESS.--_Master Butcher._ "Did you take old
+Major Dumbledore's ribs to No. 12?" _Boy._ "Yes, sir." _Master Butcher._
+"Then, cut Miss Wiggles's shoulder and neck, and hang Mr. Foodle's legs
+until they're quite tender!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Little Girl_ (_to Newsvendor, from whom she has just
+purchased the latest war special_). "'Ere's your _paper_! Father says,
+if you don't mind 'e 'd rather 'ave the bill, 'cos there's more news in
+it."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_from the country_). "Well, I never! And to
+think burglary should have become a regular respectable trade!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SPECULATOR'S APOLOGY.--You can't make the pot boil without bubbles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TABLE-TURNING.--Looking for a train in _Bradshaw_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ARMS FOR THE PROPOSED NEW WEST-END STOCK EXCHANGE
+
+(_To be placed over the principal entrance._)
+
+On a chevron _vert_, a pigeon plucked _proper_, between three rooks
+peckant, clawed and beaked _gules_. Crest: a head Semitic grimnant,
+winkant, above two pipes laid saltier-wise, _argent_, environed with a
+halo of bubbles _or_. Supporters: a bull and bear rampant _sable_,
+dented, hoofed and clawed _gules_. Motto: "Let us prey."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SENSITIVE PLANT.--"What, back in town already, old
+chappie?"
+
+"Yes, old chappie. Couldn't stand the country any longer. Cuckoo gave me
+the headache!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL NEWS
+
+Policeman O, No. I, has got such an accumulation of corn in bond, under
+a tight boot, that it is expected he will be allowed the benefit of
+nominal or fixed duty. He is one of the most extensive growers of corn
+in the kingdom, and always has on foot a prodigious quantity, which,
+when he is in competition with those who try to take advantage of his
+position, must naturally prevent him from striking the average.
+
+Onions were dull at fourpence a rope, and wild ducks were heavy, with
+sand inside, at three and sixpence a couple.
+
+A considerable deal of business was done in flat-irons on New Year's
+Day, and there was a trifling advance upon them everywhere.
+
+The dividends on pawnbrokers' stock were payable last week, but the
+defaulters were very numerous. A highly respectable party in the City,
+in order to provide for interest coming due, is understood to have
+funded the greater part of his summer wardrobe.
+
+Long fours, in the candle-market, were dull, but the ten and a half
+reduced rushlights brightened up towards the close of the day
+surprisingly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERSONS WHO WOULD BENEFIT BY CREMATION.--Charwomen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FORCED POLITENESS.--Bowing to circumstances.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NAME OF ILL OMEN.--Persons who are subject to fits of toothache, and
+do not wish to be reminded of their distressing malady, should avoid
+going down Long Acre.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PAWNBROKERS' "DUPLICATES."--Their twins.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAGIOLOGY ON 'CHANGE.--_The Brokers' Patron_--St. Simon Stock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR A TAILOR WHO MAKES COATS OF THE BEST ENDURING CLOTH.--_Fuimus,
+i.e., We Wear._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LICENSING SYSTEM.--The big brewer is a vulture, and the unpaid
+magistrate instrumental to his rapacity is that vulture's beak.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST NOTE PAPER.--Bank of England.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR
+
+_Cabby_ (_to Gent who has been dining out_). "'Ere y'are, sir. This is
+your 'ouse--get out--be careful, sir--'ere's the step?"
+
+_Gent._ "Yesh. Thash allri, but wersh my _feet?_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Employer_ (_who simply_ WON'T _take any excuse for
+unpunctuality_). "You are very late, Mr. Jones. Go back at once, and
+come at the proper time!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hairdresser._ "Hair begins to get very thin, sir."
+
+_Customer._ "Yes."
+
+_Hairdresser._ "Have you tried our tonic lotion?"
+
+_Customer._ "Yes. That didn't do it though."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I 'ear that Tholomon Arons 'as 'ad 'is shop burnt out!"
+
+"Well, 'e 'th a very good feller, Aronth ith. 'E detherves it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOW THE POOR LIVE
+
+The Rev. Mr. Smirk has brought an American millionaire friend to see for
+himself the distressed state of the poor of his parish.
+
+    [_He'll give them a little notice next time._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Workman._ "Wot's it say, Bill, on that old
+sun-dial?" _Second Workman_ (_reading deliberately_). "It says,
+'Do--to--day's-work--to--day.'" _First W._ "'_Do TWO days' work
+to-day!_' Wot O! Not me!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOCIAL EVOLUTION.--_Tramp_ (_to benevolent but
+inquisitive lady_).--"Well, you see, mum, it were like this. I were a
+'addick smoker by profession; then I got ill, and 'ad to go to the
+'orspital; then I sold cats meat; but some'ow or other I got into _low
+water_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Miss Smith._ "We've just come from Tannhauser, doctor."
+_The Doctor_ (_very deaf_). "Indeed! I hope you had better weather than
+we've been having!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FAMILIAR PHRASE EXPLAINED.
+
+_Robinson._ "Well, old chap, how did you sleep last night?"
+
+_Smith_ (_who had dined out_). "'Like a top.' As soon as my head touched
+the pillow, it went round and round!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Cab Tout._ "I say, Bill, lend me sixpence."
+
+_Cabby._ "I can't; but I can lend you fourpence."
+
+_Cab Tout._ "All right. Then you'l owe me twopence."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Barber._ "Your 'air's getting very thin on the top, sir.
+I should recommend our wash."
+
+_Customer._ "May I ask if that invigorating liquid is what _you_ have
+been in the habit of using?"
+
+    [_Dead silence._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOGGY WEATHER.--"Has Mr. Smith been here?"
+
+"Yes; he was here about an hour ago."
+
+"Was I with him?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIGHLY PROBABLE.--We understand that in consequence of the high price of
+meat, the Beef-eaters at the Tower have all turned vegetarians.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT MILLIONAIRES SMOKE.--Golden returns.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE UNIVERSAL WATCHWORD.--Tick!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Life in London, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON ***
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+  .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+  .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+  .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+  .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+  .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+  .poem p.i10          {margin-left: 5em;}
+  .poem p.i12          {margin-left: 6em;}
+  .poem p.i36          {margin-left: 18em;}
+  .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft
+  {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+  .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
+                       {border: none;}
+  .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p
+                       {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+  .figcenter           {margin: auto;}
+  .figright            {float: right; width: auto;}
+  .figleft             {float: left; width: auto;}
+
+   .img                {margin: 0; padding-right: 0;}
+   .div                {margin: 0; padding: 0;}
+
+   .author              {text-align: right;}
+
+   .regards             {margin-right: 4em; text-align: right;}
+   .sup                 {font-size: 60%; }
+   .brk                 {font-size: 200%; }
+    pre      {font-size: 75%; }
+  </style>
+</head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Life in London, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch's Life in London
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Release Date: May 15, 2012 [EBook #39707]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_cover" id="Page_cover">[Cover]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i001.png">
+<img src="images/i001.png" width="100%" alt="cover"/></a>
+</div>
+
+<h3>TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE.</h3>
+
+<p>Some pages of this work have been moved from the original sequence to enable
+the contents to continue without interruption. The page numbering remains unaltered.</p>
+
+<h1>MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON</h1>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR</h4>
+
+<h5>Edited by <span class="smcap">J. A. Hammerton</span></h5>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/i002.png">
+<img src="images/i002.png" width="100%" alt="Mr P  carrying bag"/></a>
+</div>
+
+<br /><br />
+
+<p>Designed to provide in a series of<br /> volumes, each complete in itself,<br /> the
+cream of our national humour,<br /> contributed by the masters of comic<br />
+draughtsmanship and the leading wits<br /> of the age to "Punch," from its<br />
+beginning in 1841 to the present day.</p>
+
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i003.png">
+<img src="images/i003.png" width="100%" alt="the Bank of England"/></a>
+<p><i>Fussy Old Lady.</i> "Now, <i>don't</i> forget, conductor, I
+<i>want the Bank of England</i>."</p>
+<p><i>Conductor.</i> "<i>All</i> right, mum." (<i>Aside.</i>) "She <i>don't</i> want <i>much</i>, do
+she, mate?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 15%">
+<a href="images/i004a.png">
+<img src="images/i004a.png" width="100%" alt="Mr Punch"/></a>
+</div>
+
+<h4>AS PICTURED BY</h4>
+
+<p>PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, L. RAVEN-HILL,
+J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, E. T. REED, G. D. ARMOUR, F. H. TOWNSEND,
+FRED PEGRAM, C. E. BROCK, TOM BROWNE, A. S. BOYD, A. WALLIS MILLS,
+STARR WOOD, DUDLEY HARDY, AND MANY OTHER HUMORISTS.</p>
+
+<center><i>IN 180 ILLUSTRATIONS</i></center>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 15%">
+<a href="images/i004b.png">
+<img src="images/i004b.png" width="100%" alt="Dog on ball"/></a>
+</div>
+
+<h4>PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"</h4>
+
+<h3>THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.</h3>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3>THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR</h3>
+
+<center>
+<i>Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo. 192 pages<br />
+fully illustrated</i><br />
+<br />
+LIFE IN LONDON<br />
+<br />
+COUNTRY LIFE<br />
+<br />
+IN THE HIGHLANDS<br />
+<br />
+SCOTTISH HUMOUR<br />
+<br />
+IRISH HUMOUR<br />
+<br />
+COCKNEY HUMOUR<br />
+<br />
+IN SOCIETY<br />
+<br />
+AFTER DINNER STORIES<br />
+<br />
+IN BOHEMIA<br />
+<br />
+AT THE PLAY<br />
+<br />
+MR. PUNCH AT HOME<br />
+<br />
+ON THE CONTINONG<br />
+<br />
+RAILWAY BOOK<br />
+<br />
+AT THE SEASIDE<br />
+<br />
+MR. PUNCH AFLOAT<br />
+<br />
+IN THE HUNTING FIELD<br />
+<br />
+MR. PUNCH ON TOUR<br />
+<br />
+WITH ROD AND GUN<br />
+<br />
+MR. PUNCH AWHEEL<br />
+<br />
+BOOK OF SPORTS<br />
+<br />
+GOLF STORIES<br />
+<br />
+IN WIG AND GOWN<br />
+<br />
+ON THE WARPATH<br />
+<br />
+BOOK OF LOVE<br />
+<br />
+WITH THE CHILDREN<br />
+</center>
+<br />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i005.png">
+<img src="images/i005.png" width="100%" alt="SHAKESPEARE ON THE STREETS"/></a>
+<h3>SHAKESPEARE ON THE STREETS</h3>
+<center>(<i>See "King Henry the Fourth," Act III., Sc. 1.</i>)<br/><br/>
+<i>Glendower</i> (<i>to Hotspur</i>). Cousin of many men, I do not bear these
+crossings.</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i006.png">
+<img src="images/i006.png" width="100%" alt="crowd scene"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Sketch in Regent Street.</span></h3>
+<center>Puzzle&mdash;On which side are the shop windows?</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ROUND THE TOWN</h2>
+
+<p>In the sixty-six years of his existence <span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span> has at one time or
+another touched upon every phase of life in London. He has moved in high
+society; he has visited the slums; he has been to the churches, the
+theatres, the concert rooms; he has travelled on the railways, in the
+'buses and the cabs; he has amused himself on 'Change; he has gone
+shopping; he has lounged in the clubs, been a shrewd watcher and
+listener at the Law Courts, dined in the hotels and restaurants, sat in
+Parliament, made merry in the servants' hall, loitered along the
+pavements with a quick eye and ear for the wit and humour of the
+streets, and dropped in casually, a genial and observant visitor, at the
+homes and haunts of all sorts and conditions of men and women.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Obviously it is impossible that the fruits of all this adventuring could
+be gathered into a single volume; some of them are garnered already in
+other volumes of this series, in books that deal particularly with <span class="smcap">Mr.
+Punch's</span> representations of what he has seen and heard of Society, of the
+Cockney, of the Lawyers, of our Domestics, of Clubmen and Diners-out, of
+the Theatres; therefore, in the present volume, we have limited him in
+the main to his recollections of the actual civic life in London, to his
+diversions on the Stock Exchange and in the Money Market generally, his
+pictured and written quips and jests about London's businesses and
+business men, with glimpses of what he knows of the variously dazzling
+and more or less strenuous life that everywhere environs these.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i007.png">
+<img src="images/i007.png" width="100%" alt="Road up."/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Subject for a Decorative Panel.</span></h3>
+<center>Road "up." Time&mdash;in the height of the season. Place&mdash;everywhere.</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/i008.png">
+<img src="images/i008.png" width="100%" alt="MR. PUNCH"/></a>
+</div>
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON</h2>
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The City "Article."</span>&mdash;Money.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">From the Streets.</span>&mdash;A street conjuror complained the other day that he
+couldn't throw the knives and balls about, because he did not feel in
+the vein.</p>
+
+<p>"In what vein?" asked a bystander, weakly.</p>
+
+<p>"The juggler vein, of course, stupid!" was the answer.</p>
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>The bystander retired.</i></span><br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Light Employment.</span>&mdash;Cleaning windows.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<i>The Model Ready Reckoner.</i>"&mdash;The man with his last shilling.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Money-Market and City Intelligence.</span>&mdash;Operators for the rise&mdash;aeronauts;
+likewise anglers.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Just Off&mdash;the Bourse.</span>&mdash;<i>Stockbroker</i> (<i>to Client who has been pretty
+well loaded with certain scrip</i>). Well, it just comes to this. Are you
+prepared to go the whole hog or none?</p>
+
+<p><i>Client</i> (<i>timidly</i>). I think I'd rather go the none.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">What Colour should Parasites Dress in?</span>&mdash;Fawn.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<h3>HOUSEHOLD HINTS FOR ECONOMICAL MANAGERS</h3>
+
+<p><i>How to Obtain a good Serviceable Light Porter.</i>&mdash;Take a pint of stout,
+and add a quart of spring water. There you have him.</p>
+
+<p><i>How to make Hats last.</i>&mdash;Make everything else first.</p>
+
+<p><i>How to Prevent Ale from Spoiling.</i>&mdash;Drink it.</p>
+
+<p><i>How to Avoid being Considered above your Business.</i>&mdash;Never live over
+your shop.</p>
+
+<p><i>How to make your Servants rise.</i>&mdash;Send them up to sleep in the attics.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i009.png">
+<img src="images/i009.png" width="100%" alt="Bus Driver"/></a>
+<p><i>Bus Driver</i> (<i>to charioteer of broken-down motor-car</i>).
+"I've been tellin' yer all the week to taike it 'ome, an' now yer wants
+to, yer cawn't!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE STREETS OF LONDON</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The stately streets of London</p>
+<p class="i2">Are always "up" in Spring,</p>
+<p class="i0">To ordinary minds an ex-</p>
+<p class="i2">traordinary thing.</p>
+<p class="i0">Then cabs across strange ridges bound,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or sink in holes, abused</p>
+<p class="i0">With words resembling not, in sound,</p>
+<p class="i2">Those Mrs. Hemans used.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The miry streets of London,</p>
+<p class="i2">Dotted with lamps by night;</p>
+<p class="i0">What pitfalls where the dazzled eye</p>
+<p class="i2">Sees doubly ruddy light!</p>
+<p class="i0">For in the season, just in May,</p>
+<p class="i2">When many meetings meet,</p>
+<p class="i0">The jocund vestry starts away,</p>
+<p class="i2">And closes all the street.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The shut-up streets of London!</p>
+<p class="i2">How willingly one jumps</p>
+<p class="i0">From where one's cab must stop through pools</p>
+<p class="i2">Of mud, in dancing pumps!</p>
+<p class="i0">When thus one skips on miry ways</p>
+<p class="i2">One's pride is much decreased,</p>
+<p class="i0">Like Mrs. Gilpin's, for one's "chaise"</p>
+<p class="i2">Is "three doors off" at least.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The free, fair streets of London</p>
+<p class="i2">Long, long, in vestry hall,</p>
+<p class="i0">May heads of native thickness rise,</p>
+<p class="i2">When April showers fall;</p>
+<p class="i0">And green for ever be the men</p>
+<p class="i2">Who spend the rates in May,</p>
+<p class="i0">By stopping all the traffic then</p>
+<p class="i2">In such a jocose way!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i010.png">
+<img src="images/i010.png" width="100%" alt="Straphanger"/></a>
+<p><i>Straphanger</i> (<i>in first-class compartment, to
+first-class passenger</i>). "I say, guv'nor, 'ang on to this 'ere strap a
+minute, will yer, while I get a light?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Gas-Fitter's Paradise.</span>&mdash;Berners Street.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Civic Wit.</span>&mdash;A City friend of ours, who takes considerable interest in
+the fattening of his fowls, alleges, as a reason, that he is an advocate
+for widening the Poultry.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">To Auctioneers.</span>&mdash;The regulations regarding sales are not to be found in
+any <i>bye</i> laws.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Poetry and Finance.</span>&mdash;Among all the quotations in all the money market
+and City articles who ever met with a line of verse?</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Anything but an Alderman's Motto.</span>&mdash;"Dinner forget."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Gentleman</span> who lives by his wits.&mdash;<i>Mr. Punch.</i></center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Definition.</span>&mdash;The Mansion House&mdash;A mayor's nest.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i011.png">
+<img src="images/i011.png" width="100%" alt="IN A TRAM-CAR"/></a>
+<h3>IN A TRAM-CAR</h3>
+<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>with smelly basket of fish</i>). "Dessay you'd rather 'ave a
+gentleman settin' a-side of you?"</p>
+<p><i>Gilded Youth</i> (<i>who has been edging away</i>). "Yes, I would."</p>
+<p><i>Lady.</i> "Same'ere!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i012.png">
+<img src="images/i012.png" width="100%" alt="Inquisitive Guardian"/></a>
+<p><i>Inquisitive Guardian.</i> "By the way, have you any
+children?"</p>
+<p><i>Applicant for Relief.</i> "No."</p>
+<p><i>Guardian.</i> "But&mdash;er&mdash;surely I know a son of yours?"</p>
+<p><i>Applicant.</i> "Well, I don't suppose you'd call a <i>child</i> children!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i013.png">
+<img src="images/i013.png" width="100%" alt="tuppence worth of butter"/></a>
+<p>"Please, sir, tuppence worth of butter scrapin's, an'
+mother says be sure they're all <i>clean</i>, 'cause she's expectin'
+company."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i014.png">
+<img src="images/i014.png" width="100%" alt="UNCONSCIONABLE"/></a>
+<h3>UNCONSCIONABLE</h3>
+<p><i>Head of the Firm.</i> "Want a holiday!? Why, you've just been at home ill
+for a month!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i015.png">
+<img src="images/i015.png" width="100%" alt="FORCE OF HABIT"/></a>
+<h3>THE FORCE OF HABIT</h3>
+<p><i>Traveller</i> (<i>suffering from the Heat of Weather, &amp;c.</i>). "Wesh
+Bromp'n&mdash;shingl'&mdash;cold 'th bit o' lemon&mdash;loo' sharp&mdash;'r else shan't kesh
+my train!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE EXILED LONDONER</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I roam beneath a foreign sky,</p>
+<p class="i2">That sky is cloudless, warm and clear;</p>
+<p class="i0">And everything is glad but I;&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">But ah! my heart is far from here.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">They bid me look on forests green,</p>
+<p class="i2">And boundless prairies stretching far;</p>
+<p class="i0">But I rejoice not in their sheen,</p>
+<p class="i2">And longing turn to Temple Bar.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">They bid me list the torrent's roar,</p>
+<p class="i2">In all its foaming, bounding pride;</p>
+<p class="i0">But I, I only think the more</p>
+<p class="i2">On living torrents in Cheapside!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">They bid me mark the mighty stream,</p>
+<p class="i2">Which Mississippi rolls to sea;</p>
+<p class="i0">But then I sink in pensive dream,</p>
+<p class="i2">And turn my thoughts, dear Thames, to thee!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">They bid me note the mountains high,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whose snow-capp'd peaks my prospect end;</p>
+<p class="i0">I only heave a secret sigh&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">To Ludgate Hill my wishes tend.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">They taunt me with our denser air,</p>
+<p class="i2">And fogs so thick you scarce can see;</p>
+<p class="i0">Then, yellow fog, I will declare,</p>
+<p class="i2">Though strange to say, I long for thee.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And everything in this bright clime</p>
+<p class="i2">But serves to turn my thoughts to thee!</p>
+<p class="i0">Thou, London, of an earlier time,</p>
+<p class="i2">Oh! when shall I return to thee?</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i016.png">
+<img src="images/i016.png" width="100%" alt="how 'e's changed"/></a>
+<p><i>Customer.</i> "That dog I bought last week has turned out
+very savage. He's already bitten a little girl and a policeman, and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Dealer.</i> "Lor'! how 'e's changed, mum! He wasn't at all particular what
+he ate 'ere!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Panic in the City</span></h3>
+
+<p>TIME&mdash;3.30 P.M.</p>
+
+<p><i>Excited Stockbroker.</i>&mdash;By Jove! it's serious now.</p>
+
+<p><i>Other dittos.</i> Hey? what?</p>
+
+<p><i>Excited Stockbroker.</i> Rothschild's "gone"&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Clients</i> (<i>new to City, thunderstruck</i>). <i>Gone!</i> Rothschild!!&mdash;but&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Excited Stockbroker.</i> Yes. <i>Gone to Paris.</i></p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">What to Expect at an Hotel.</span>&mdash;Inn-attention.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Question for Lloyd's.</span>&mdash;Are sub-editors underwriters?</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Incidents of Taxation.</span>&mdash;Collectors and summonses.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">What a City Company does.</span>&mdash;It may not be generally known that the duty
+of the Spectacle-makers is to get up the Lord Mayor's Show. Glasses
+round, and then they proceed to business.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Impossible Phrase.</span>&mdash;The happy rich, the happy poor, both quite possible.
+But, "the happy mean"&mdash;oh no&mdash;impossible.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Song for the Town-tied Sportsman.</span>&mdash;"How happy could I be with
+<i>heather</i>!"</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i017.png">
+<img src="images/i017.png" width="100%" alt="Progress"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Progress.</span></h3>
+<center>(<i>Overheard in Kensington.</i> Time, 9 A.M.).</center>
+<p><i>Fair Club Member</i> (<i>lately married, to friend</i>). "Bye, bye!
+Can't stop! Must rush off, or I shall be <i>scratched for the billiard
+handicap</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i018.png">
+<img src="images/i018.png" width="100%" alt="on the pavement"/></a>
+<p><i>Policeman</i> (<i>to slightly sober individual, who is
+wobbling about in the road amongst the traffic</i>). "Come, old man, walk
+on the pavement."</p>
+<p><i>Slightly Sober Individual.</i> "<i>Pavement!</i> Who do you take me for?
+<i>Blondin?</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i019.png">
+<img src="images/i019.png" width="100%" alt="SKETCHED IN OXFORD STREET"/></a>
+<h3>SKETCHED IN OXFORD STREET</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Inscription to be placed over the Stock Exchange.</span>&mdash;"<i>Bear</i> and
+for-<i>bear</i>."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Price of Bread.</span>&mdash;Twists have taken a turn; and cottages have come
+down in some places, owing to the falls of bricks, which continue to
+give way rapidly. A baker near one of the bridges has not had a roll
+over, which is to be accounted for by his having come down in regular
+steps to a level with the lower class of consumers. Plaster of Paris is
+in some demand, and there have been some mysterious transactions in
+sawdust by the baker who liberally deals with the workhouse.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i020.png">
+<img src="images/i020.png" width="100%" alt="Chimney sweep"/></a>
+<h3>SYMPHONY IN BLACK</h3>
+<center>The vassal who does soot and service.</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Official Order.</span>&mdash;All cabmen plying within hail are to be supplied with
+umbrellas by Government.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i021.png">
+<img src="images/i021.png" width="100%" alt="It is in the safe"/></a>
+<h3>HE DIDN'T MEAN TO LOSE THAT</h3>
+<p>"Miffins, the book-keeper, tells me that you have lost the key of the
+safe, and he cannot get at the books."</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir, one of them. You gave me two, you remember."</p>
+<p>"Yes; I had duplicates made in case of accident. And the other?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, sir, I took care of that. I was afraid I might lose one of them,
+you know."</p>
+<p>"And is the other all right?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir. I put it where there was no danger of it being lost. It is in
+the safe, sir!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i022.png">
+<img src="images/i022.png" width="100%" alt="A NOVEMBER FOG"/></a>
+<h3>IN A NOVEMBER FOG</h3>
+<p><i>Frenchman</i> (<i>just arrived on his first visit to London</i>). "Ha, ha! my
+frien', now I understan' vot you mean ven you say ze sun nevaire set in
+your dominion, ma foi! <i>It does not rise!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i023.png">
+<img src="images/i023.png" width="100%" alt="Thirsty Soul"/></a>
+<h3>"NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND"</h3>
+<p><i>Thirsty Soul</i> (<i>after several gyrations round the letter-box</i>). "I
+sh'like t'know wha'-sh-'e good 'f gen'lem'n-sh turn'n tea-tot'ller 'f
+gov'm'nt (<i>hic</i>) goes-h an' cut-sh th' shpouts-h o' th' <i>bumpsh</i> off!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE LONDONER'S DIARY</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>For August</i>)</center>
+
+<p><i>Monday.</i>&mdash;Got up at nine o'clock. Lounged to the park. No one there.
+Went to bed at twelve.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Got up at ten o'clock. Walked to the House of Commons.
+Closed. Went to bed at eleven.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;Got up at eleven o'clock. Looked in at Prince's. Deserted.
+Went to bed at ten.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;Got up at twelve o'clock. Strolled to the club. Shut up for
+repairs. Went to bed at nine.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;Got up at one o'clock. Stayed at home. Dull. Went to bed at
+eight.</p>
+
+<p><i>Saturday.</i>&mdash;Got up at five <span class="smcap">a.m.</span> Went out of town at six.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">The Reverse of the School for Scandal.</span>&mdash;A school in which very few
+members of society are brought up&mdash;a charity school.</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i024.png">
+<img src="images/i024.png" width="100%" alt="Brixton Barber"/></a>
+<h3>PAST RECLAIMING</h3>
+<p><i>Brixton Barber.</i> "Revival seems to be in the hair, sir."</p>
+<p><i>Customer.</i> "Not in <i>mine</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>FOG</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Thou comest in familiar guise,</p>
+<p class="i2">When in the morning I awake,</p>
+<p class="i0">You irritate my throat and eyes,</p>
+<p class="i2">I vow that life's a sad mistake.</p>
+<p class="i0">You come to hang about my hair,</p>
+<p class="i2">My much-enduring lungs to clog,</p>
+<p class="i0">I feel you with me everywhere,</p>
+<p class="i2">Our own peculiar London fog.</p>
+<p class="i0">You clothe the City in such gloom,</p>
+<p class="i2">We scarce can see across the street,</p>
+<p class="i0">You seem to penetrate each room,</p>
+<p class="i2">And mix with everything I eat.</p>
+<p class="i0">I hardly dare to stir about,</p>
+<p class="i2">But sit supine as any log;</p>
+<p class="i0">You make it torture to go out,</p>
+<p class="i2">Our own peculiar London fog.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The End of Table-turning.</span>&mdash;An inmate of a lunatic asylum, driven mad by
+spiritualism, wishes to try to turn the multiplication table.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">The Question of the Hour.</span>"&mdash;What o'clock is it?</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Perpetual Motion Discovered.</span>&mdash;The <i>winding</i> up of public companies.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Flies in Amber.</span>&mdash;Yellow cabs.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i025.png">
+<img src="images/i025.png" width="100%" alt="Wot's the matter with 'im"/></a>
+<p><i>'Bus Driver</i> (<i>to Cabby, who is trying to lash his horse
+into something like a trot</i>). "Wot's the matter with 'im, Willum? 'E
+don't seem 'isself this mornin'. I believe you've bin an' changed 'is
+milk!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i026.png">
+<img src="images/i026.png" width="100%" alt="A SKETCH FROM LIFE"/></a>
+<h3>A SKETCH FROM LIFE</h3>
+<p><i>Chorus</i> (<i>slow music</i>). "We're a rare old&mdash;fair old&mdash;rickety, rackety
+crew!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i027.png">
+<img src="images/i027.png" width="100%" alt="During the Hot Spell"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>In a 'Bus.</i></h3>
+<center><span class="smcap">Time</span>&mdash;<i>During the Hot Spell.</i></center><br />
+<p><i>First City Man.</i> "D&mdash;&mdash;d hot, isn't&mdash;&mdash; I&mdash;I beg your pardon, madam,
+I&mdash;I quite forgot there was a lady pres&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Stout Party.</i> "Don't apologise. It's much worse than that!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE CAPITALISTS</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>A Story of Yesterday for To-morrow and To-day</i>)</center>
+
+<p>"What, Brown, my boy, is that you?" said Smith, heartily.</p>
+
+<p>"The same, and delighted to see you," was the reply.</p>
+
+<p>"Have you heard the news, my dear fellow?" asked Smith.</p>
+
+<p>"You mean about the position of the Bank of England? Why, certainly; all
+the City is talking about it."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, it is absolutely grand! Never was the Old Lady of Threadneedle
+Street in such a strong position. Marvellous! my dear friend; absolutely
+marvellous!"</p>
+
+<p>"Quite so. Never were we&mdash;as a people&mdash;so rich!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, prosperity seems to be coming back by leaps and bounds."</p>
+
+<p>"You never said anything so true," observed Smith.</p>
+
+<p>"Right you are," cried Brown.</p>
+
+<p>And then the two friends shook hands once<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> more with increased
+cordiality, and passed on. They walked in different directions a few
+steps, and both stopped. They turned round.</p>
+
+<p>"Smith," said Brown, "I have to ask you a trifling favour."</p>
+
+<p>"Brown, it is granted before I know its purport."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, the truth is, I am penniless&mdash;lend me half-a-crown."</p>
+
+<p>Smith paused for a moment.</p>
+
+<p>"You surely do not wish to refuse me?" asked Brown in a tone of pained
+surprise.</p>
+
+<p>"I do not, Smith," replied his friend, with fervour. "Indeed, I do not!"</p>
+
+<p>"Then produce the two-and-sixpence."</p>
+
+<p>"I would, my dear fellow, if in the wide world I could raise it!"</p>
+
+<p>And then the ancient comrades shook hands once again, and parted in
+sorrow, but not in anger. They felt that after all they were only in the
+fashion.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i028.png">
+<img src="images/i028.png" width="100%" alt="A NEGLECTED INDUSTRY"/></a>
+<h3>A NEGLECTED INDUSTRY</h3>
+<p>"'Ow are yer gettin' on, Bill?"</p>
+<p>"Ain't gettin' on at all. I'm beginnin' to think as the publick doesn't
+know what they wants!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h3><span class="smcap">Too Common a Thing.</span></h3>
+<p>A member of a limited liability company in a bad way, said he should turn itinerant preacher.
+He was asked why? He said he had had a call.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i029.png">
+<img src="images/i029.png" width="100%" alt="Country Cousin"/></a>
+<p><i>Country Cousin.</i> "Do you stop at the Cecil?"</p>
+<p><i>'Bus Driver.</i> "<i>Do</i> I stop at the Cecil!&mdash;<i>on twenty-eight bob a
+week</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i030.png">
+<img src="images/i030.png" width="100%" alt="Frightful Levity"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Frightful Levity.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Bus-Driver.</i> "Hullo, gov'nour; got any room?"</p>
+<p><i>Policeman, Driving Van</i> (<i>with great want of self-respect</i>).
+"Just room for one; saved a place a purpose for you, sir."</p>
+<p><i>Bus-Driver.</i> "What's yer fare?"</p>
+<p><i>Policeman.</i> "Bread and water; same as you had afore!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i031.png">
+<img src="images/i031.png" width="100%" alt="A Misunderstanding"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Misunderstanding.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Old Gent.</i> (<i>evidently from the Shires</i>). "Hi! hoy! stop!"</p>
+<p><i>Conductor.</i> "'Old 'ard Bill!" (<i>To Old Gent.</i>) "Where are yer for, sir?"</p>
+<p><i>Old Gent.</i> (<i>panting in pursuit</i>).
+"Here!&mdash;let's have a&mdash;box o' them&mdash;<i>safety matches</i>!"</p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Objurgations!</i></span><br />
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3>ON THE SPECULATIVE BUILDER</h3>
+
+<div class="poem w32"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">He's the readiest customer living,</p>
+<p class="i2">While you're lending, or spending or giving;</p>
+<p class="i0">But when you'd make profit, or get back your own,</p>
+<p class="i2">He's the awkwardest customer ever you've known.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Favourite Song on the Stock Exchange.</span>&mdash;"<i>Oh! what a difference in the
+morning!</i>"</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Real "Bitter" Cry of London.</span>&mdash;The demand for Bass and Allsopp.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Cabby</span> calls the new auto-cars his motormentors.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i032.png">
+<img src="images/i032.png" width="100%" alt="Hair cut, sir"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Thorough!</span></h3>
+<p><i>Hairdresser</i> (<i>to perspiring Customer during
+the late hot weather</i>). "'Hair cut, sir?"</p>
+<p><i>Stout Party</i> (<i>falling into the chair, exhausted</i>). "Ye&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Hairdresser.</i> "Much off, sir?"</p>
+<p><i>Stout Party.</i> "(<i>Phew!</i>) Cut it to the bone!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i033.png">
+<img src="images/i033.png" width="100%" alt="DIVERTING THE TRAFFIC"/></a>
+<h3>DIVERTING THE TRAFFIC!</h3>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Thing to Throw Light on Spiritualistic Séances.</span>&mdash;A spirit-lamp.</center>
+</div>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Ruling Passion.</span>&mdash;A great financial reformer is so devoted to figures
+that when he has nothing else to do he casts up his eyes.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Bubble Concerns.</span>&mdash;Aërated water companies.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>NEW LONDON STREET DIRECTORY</h2>
+
+<p><i>Adam Street.</i>&mdash;Antediluvian anecdotes and traditions still linger here.</p>
+
+<p><i>Air Street.</i>&mdash;Doctors send their patients to this locality for change.</p>
+
+<p><i>Aldermanbury.</i>&mdash;Visited by numbers of bereaved relatives.</p>
+
+<p><i>Amwell Street.</i>&mdash;Always healthy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Barking Alley.</i>&mdash;To be avoided in the dog days.</p>
+
+<p><i>Boy Court.</i>&mdash;Not far from Child's Place.</p>
+
+<p><i>Camomile Street.</i>&mdash;See Wormwood Street.</p>
+
+<p><i>Coldbath Square.</i>&mdash;Very bracing.</p>
+
+<p><i>Distaff Lane.</i>&mdash;Full of spinsters.</p>
+
+<p><i>Farm Street.</i>&mdash;Highly sensitive to the fluctuations of the corn market.</p>
+
+<p><i>Fashion Street.</i>&mdash;Magnificent sight in the height of the season.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Street.</i>&mdash;Of immense antiquity.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday Street.</i>&mdash;Great jealousy felt by all the other days of the
+week.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Garlick Hill.</i>&mdash;Make a little <i>détour</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Glasshouse Street.</i>&mdash;Heavily insured against hailstorms.</p>
+
+<p><i>Godliman Street.</i>&mdash;Irreproachable.</p>
+
+<p><i>Great Smith Street.</i>&mdash;Which of the Smiths is this?</p>
+
+<p><i>Grundy Street.</i>&mdash;Named after that famous historic character&mdash;Mrs.
+Grundy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Hercules Buildings.</i>&mdash;Rich in traditions and stories of the "Labours"
+of the Founder.</p>
+
+<p><i>Homer Street.</i>&mdash;Literally classic ground. The house pointed out in
+connection with "the blind old bard" has long since disappeared.</p>
+
+<p><i>Idol Lane.</i>&mdash;Where are the Missionaries?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ivy Lane.</i>&mdash;This, and Lillypot Lane, and Woodpecker Lane, and
+Wheatsheaf Yard, and White Thorn Street, all sweetly rural. It is
+difficult to make a selection.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lamb's Conduit Street.</i>&mdash;Touching description (by the oldest
+inhabitant) of the young lambs coming to drink at the conduit.</p>
+
+<p><i>Liquorpond Street.</i>&mdash;See Philpot Lane.</p>
+
+<p><i>Love Lane.</i>&mdash;What sort of love? The "love of the turtle?"</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p>
+
+<table summary="two streets">
+<tr><td><i>Lupus Street.</i></td><td></td><td></td></tr>
+<tr><td></td><td>&nbsp;&nbsp;<span class="brk">}</span></td><td>Both dangerous.</td><td></td></tr>
+<tr><td><i>Maddox Street.</i></td><td></td><td></td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p><i>Milk Street.</i>&mdash;Notice the number of pumps.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mincing Lane.</i>&mdash;Mincing is now mostly done elsewhere, by machinery.</p>
+
+<p><i>Orchard Street.</i>&mdash;The last apple was gathered here about the time that
+the last coursing match took place in Hare Court.</p>
+
+<p><i>Paper Buildings.</i>&mdash;Wonderfully substantial! Brief paper extensively
+used in these buildings.</p>
+
+<table summary="More streets">
+<tr><td><i>Paradise Street.</i></td><td></td><td></td></tr>
+<tr><td></td><td><span class="brk">}</span></td>
+<td>Difficult to choose between the two.</td></tr>
+<tr><td><i>Peerless Street.</i></td><td></td></tr>
+</table>
+<br />
+<table summary="Yet more streets">
+<tr><td><i>Poultry.</i></td><td></td></tr>
+<tr><td></td><td>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<span class="brk">}</span></td><td>Crowded at Christmas.</td></tr>
+<tr><td><i>Pudding Lane.</i></td><td></td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p><i>Quality Court.</i>&mdash;Most aristocratic.</p>
+
+<p><i>Riches Court.</i>&mdash;Not a house to be had for love or money.</p>
+
+<p><i>Shepherdess Walk.</i>&mdash;Ought to be near Shepherds' Bush.</p>
+
+<p><i>Trump Street.</i>&mdash;Noted for whist.</p>
+
+<p><i>Type Street.</i>&mdash;Leaves a most favourable impression.</p>
+
+<p><i>World's End Passage.</i>&mdash;Finis.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i034.png">
+<img src="images/i034.png" width="100%" alt="Befogged Pedestrian"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Qualified Guide.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Befogged Pedestrian.</i> "Could you direct me to the river, please?"</p>
+<p><i>Hatless and Dripping Stranger.</i> "Straight ahead. I've just come from it!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i035.png">
+<img src="images/i035.png" width="100%" alt="FASHIONABLE AND SEASONABLE"/></a>
+<h3>FASHIONABLE AND SEASONABLE.</h3>
+<p>Where to sup <i>al fresco</i> in the hottest weather. The "<i>Whelkome</i> Club"]</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">The Round of the Restaurants.</span>"&mdash;Beef.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i036.png">
+<img src="images/i036.png" width="100%" alt="Sacrifice"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Sacrifice.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Good Templar.</i> "Tut&mdash;t&mdash;t&mdash;really, Swizzle,
+it's disgraceful to see a man in your position in this state, after the
+expense we've incurred and the exertions we've used to put down the
+liquor traffic!"</p>
+<p><i>Swizzle.</i> "Y' may preash as mush as y' like,
+gen'l'm'n, bur I can tell y' I've made more persh'nal efforsh to (<i>hic</i>)
+purrown liquor than any of ve!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>A LONDON FOG</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w36"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">A fog in London daytime like the night is,</p>
+<p class="i2">Our fellow-creatures seem like wandering ghosts,</p>
+<p class="i0">The dull mephitic cloud will bring bronchitis;</p>
+<p class="i2">You cannon into cabs or fall o'er posts.</p>
+<p class="i0">The air is full of pestilential vapours,</p>
+<p class="i2">Innumerable "blacks" come with the smoke;</p>
+<p class="i0">The thief and rough cut unmolested capers,</p>
+<p class="i2">In truth a London fog's no sort of joke.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">You rise by candle-light or gaslight, swearing</p>
+<p class="i2">There never was a climate made like ours;</p>
+<p class="i0">If rashly you go out to take an airing,</p>
+<p class="i2">The soot-flakes come in black plutonian show'rs.</p>
+<p class="i0">Your carriage wildly runs into another,</p>
+<p class="i2">No matter though you go at walking pace;</p>
+<p class="i0">You meet your dearest friend, or else your brother</p>
+<p class="i2">And never know him, although face to face.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The hours run on, and night and day commingle,</p>
+<p class="i2">Unutterable filth is in the air;</p>
+<p class="i0">You're much depressed, e'en in the fire-side ingle,</p>
+<p class="i2">The hag dyspepsia seems everywhere.</p>
+<p class="i0">Your wild disgust in vain you try to bridle,</p>
+<p class="i2">Mad as March hare or hydrophobic dog,</p>
+<p class="i0">You feel, in fact, intensely suicidal:</p>
+<p class="i2">Such things befall us in a London fog!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The most Loyal of Cup-bearers.</span>&mdash;A blind man's dog.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i037.png">
+<img src="images/i037.png" width="100%" alt="Not quite what he meant"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Not quite what he meant.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Joan</i> (<i>on her annual Spring visit to London</i>). "There, John, I think
+that would suit me."</p>
+<p><i>Darby</i> (<i>grumblingly</i>). "<i>That</i>, Maria? Why, a pretty figure it would
+come to!"</p>
+<p><i>Joan.</i> "Ah, John dear, you're always so complimentary! I'll go and ask
+the price."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>STARTING A SYNDICATE</h2>
+
+<center>A Serio-Comic Interlude<br /><br />
+
+<span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>An Office in the City.</i> <span class="smcap">Time</span>&mdash;<i>After Lunch.</i><br /><br />
+
+<span class="smcap">Present</span>&mdash;<i>Members of a proposed Syndicate.</i></center>
+
+<p><i>First Member.</i> And now, gentlemen, to business. I suppose we may put
+down the capital at fifty thousand?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Mem.</i> Better make it five hundred thousand. Half a million is so
+much easier to get.</p>
+
+<p><i>Third Mem.</i> Of course. Who would look at a paltry fifty?</p>
+
+<p><i>First Mem.</i> Perhaps you are right. Five pound shares, eh?</p>
+
+<p><i>Fourth Mem.</i> Better make them sovereigns. Simpler to manipulate.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Mem.</i> I daresay. Then the same solicitors as our last?</p>
+
+<p><i>Fifth Mem.</i> Yes, on the condition that they get a firm to undertake the
+underwriting.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Mem.</i> Necessarily. The firm I propose, gentlemen, are men of
+business, and quite recognise that nothing purchases nothing.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Second Mem.</i> And they could get the secretary with a thousand to
+invest.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Mem.</i> Certainly. Our brokers, bankers, and auditors as before.
+Eh, gentlemen?</p>
+
+<p><i>Fifth Mem.</i> On the same conditions.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Mem.</i> That is understood. And now the prospectus is getting into
+shape. Is there anything else anyone can suggest?</p>
+
+<p><i>Fourth Mem.</i> Oughtn't we to have some object in view?</p>
+
+<p><i>First Mem.</i> Assuredly. Making money.</p>
+
+<p><i>Fourth Mem.</i> Don't be frivolous. But what I mean is, should we not know
+for what purpose we are going to expend the half million?</p>
+
+<p><i>First Mem.</i> Oh, you mean the name. Well, that comparatively unimportant
+detail we might safely leave until our next pleasant gathering.</p>
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Meeting adjourned.</i></span><br />
+
+<center><i>Curtain.</i></center>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h3><span class="smcap">In Extremis.</span></h3>
+<center>That man is indeed hard up who cannot get credit even for
+good intentions.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h3>"<span class="smcap">Walker!</span>"</h3>
+<center>How unfair to sneer at the City tradesmen for being above
+their business, when so few of them live over their shops!</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i038.png">
+<img src="images/i038.png" width="100%" alt="snapshot in the suburbs"/></a>
+<p>An early morning snapshot in the suburbs. Mr. Bumpus
+dresses his window.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i039.png">
+<img src="images/i039.png" width="100%" alt="METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS"/></a>
+<h3>METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS</h3>
+<center>Proposed elevated roadway for perambulators</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>EXAMINATION FOR A DIRECTORSHIP</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>From "The City Man's Vade Mecum"</i>)</center>
+<br />
+<p><i>Promoter.</i> Are you a gentleman of blameless reputation?</p>
+
+<p><i>Candidate.</i> Certainly, and I share that reputation with a dozen
+generations of ancestors.</p>
+
+<p><i>Promoter.</i> And no doubt you are the soul of honour?</p>
+
+<p><i>Candidate.</i> That is my belief&mdash;a belief shared by all my friends and
+acquaintances.</p>
+
+<p><i>Promoter.</i> And I think, before taking up finance, you have devoted a
+long life to the service of your country?</p>
+
+<p><i>Candidate.</i> That is so. My career has been rewarded by all kinds of
+honours.</p>
+
+<p><i>Promoter.</i> And there is no particular reason why you should dabble in
+Stock Exchange matters?</p>
+
+<p><i>Candidate.</i> None that I know of&mdash;save, perhaps, to serve a friend.</p>
+
+<p><i>Promoter.</i> Now, be very careful. Do you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> know anything whatever about
+the business it is proposed you should superintend?</p>
+
+<p><i>Candidate.</i> Nothing whatever. I know nothing absolutely about business.</p>
+
+<p><i>Promoter.</i> Then I have much pleasure in informing you that you have
+been unanimously elected a member of the board of management!</p>
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Scene closes in until the public demands further information.</i></span><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i040.png">
+<img src="images/i040.png" width="100%" alt="where I'll be respected"/></a>
+<p>"<i>Perfeck Lidy</i>" (<i>who has just been ejected</i>). "Well,
+<i>next</i> time I goes into a publickouse, I'll go somewhere where I'll be
+<i>respected</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>RIDDLE FOR THE CITY</h3>
+
+<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Oh! why, my friend, is a joint stock</p>
+<p class="i0">Concern like, yet unlike, a clock?</p>
+<p class="i0">Because it may be wound up; when,</p>
+<p class="i0">Alas! it doesn't go again.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Seat of Impudence.</span>&mdash;A cabman's box.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Song of Suburban Householders awaiting the Advent of the Dustman.</span>&mdash;"We
+<i>always</i> use a big, big D!"</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Floating Capital Joke.</span>&mdash;When may a man be said to be literally
+immersed in business?&mdash;When he's giving a swimming lesson.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Cheerful Investment.</span>&mdash;A laughing-stock.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i041.png">
+<img src="images/i041.png" width="100%" alt="Bread's gone up to-day"/></a>
+<p><i>Baker.</i> "I shall want another ha'penny. Bread's gone up
+to-day."</p>
+<p><i>Boy.</i> "Then give us one of yesterday's."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>WHY I AM IN TOWN</h2>
+
+<p>Because I have long felt a strong desire to know by personal experiment
+what London is like at this season of the year.</p>
+
+<p>Because the house requires some repairs, and I am anxious to be on the
+spot to look after the workpeople.</p>
+
+<p>Because the progress of my book on Universal Eccentricity renders it
+necessary that I should pay frequent visits to the library of the
+British Museum.</p>
+
+<p>Because I have been everywhere, and know every place.</p>
+
+<p>Because the sanitary condition of the only place I at all care to go to
+is not altogether satisfactory.</p>
+
+<p>Because my Uncle Anthony is expected home every day from Australia, and
+I am unwilling to be absent from town when he arrives.</p>
+
+<p>Because my cousin Selina is going to be married from her stepfather's at
+Upper Clapton, and insists on my giving her away to the gentleman with
+whom she is about to penetrate into the interior of Africa.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Because I am desirous to avail myself of this opportunity of completing
+some statistical tables I am compiling, showing the comparative numbers
+of horses, carriages, and pedestrians passing my dining-room windows on
+the last Saturday in May and the last Saturday in August respectively.</p>
+
+<p>Because my eldest son is reading with a private tutor for his army
+examination, and I feel I am of some use to him in his studies.</p>
+
+<p>Because my Aunt Philippa is detained in town by an attack of gout, and
+expects me to call and sit with her three times a day.</p>
+
+<p>Because I am determined to put into execution my long-cherished design
+of thoroughly exploring the British Museum, the National Gallery, the
+South Kensington Museum, St. Paul's, Westminster Abbey, the public
+monuments, and the City churches.</p>
+
+<p>Because it is pecuniarily inconvenient to me to be anywhere else.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h3><span class="smcap">Notice.</span></h3>
+<p>The gentleman who, the other day, ran away from home, without
+stopping to take his breath, is requested to fetch it as quickly as
+possible.</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i042.png">
+<img src="images/i042.png" width="100%" alt="Fogged"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Fogged.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Cabman</i> (<i>who thinks he has been passing a line
+of linkmen</i>). "Is this right for Paddington?"</p>
+<p><i>Linkman.</i> "'Course it is!
+First to the right and straight on. 'Aven't I told ye that three times
+already? Why, you've been drivin' round this square for the last 'arf
+hour!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i043.png">
+<img src="images/i043.png" width="100%" alt="Virtuous Indignation"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Virtuous Indignation.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Betting Man</i> (<i>to his Partner</i>).
+"Look 'ere, Joe! I 'ear you've been gamblin' on the Stock Exchange! Now,
+a man <i>must</i> draw the line <i>somewhere</i>; and if that kind of thing goes
+on, you and me will 'ave to part company!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>MISNOMERS</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w32"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">You start a company to make it go,</p>
+<p class="i2">It fails, and so you drop it;</p>
+<p class="i0">It didn't go but yet has gone, and so</p>
+<p class="i2">You wind it up to stop it.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Stocks in your garden you will surely find</p>
+<p class="i2">By want of rain are slaughtered;</p>
+<p class="i0">Yet many stocks have languished and declined</p>
+<p class="i2">Because they have been watered.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Suppose a company for brewing beer</p>
+<p class="i2">Should come to a cessation&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">That is&mdash;"dry up" 'tis curious to hear</p>
+<p class="i2">It's called "in liquidation."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Prehistoric London.</span></h3>
+<p>Some archæologists have discovered an analogy
+between the druidical worship and a form of semitic idolatry. It has
+been surmised that the Old Bailey derives its name from having been the
+site of a temple of Baal.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">The Rule of Rome.</span>&mdash;An "Inquiring City Clerk," fresh from his Roman
+history, writes to ask if "S.P.Q.R." stands for "Small profits, quick
+returns."</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Temperance Public-house.</span>&mdash;A slop-shop.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i044.png">
+<img src="images/i044.png" width="100%" alt="MELTING MOMENTS"/></a>
+<h3>MELTING MOMENTS</h3>
+<center>(<i>Temperature 95° in the Shade.</i>)</center><br />
+<p><i>Friend.</i> "How does this weather suit you, old chap?"</p>
+<p><i>Bankrupt Proprietor.</i> "Oh, down to the ground! You see, I'm in
+liquidation!</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Original Cook's Tourist.</span>&mdash;Policeman X on his beat.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">The Great Plague of London.</span>"&mdash;A barrel-organ.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Latest Thing Out.</span>&mdash;The night-light.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i045.png">
+<img src="images/i045.png" width="100%" alt="How much do you require"/></a>
+<p><i>Johnny</i> (<i>who has to face a bad Monday, to Manager at
+Messrs. R-thsch-ld's</i>). "Ah! I&mdash;want to&mdash;ah!&mdash;see you about an
+overdraft." <i>Manager.</i> "How much do you require?" <i>Johnny.</i> "Ah!&mdash;how
+much have you got?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i046.png">
+<img src="images/i046.png" width="100%" alt="French Lady"/></a>
+<br />
+<p><i>French Lady.</i> "Picca-di-lee Circus." <i>Obliging
+Conductor.</i> "All right. One pence." <i>French Lady</i> (<i>who rather prides
+herself on her English pronunciation</i>). "I anterstond ze Engleeshe
+langue." <i>Obliging Conductor.</i> "Oh, all right. Keep yer 'air on!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Most Unpleasant Meeting.</span>&mdash;Having to meet a bill.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">What</span> intimate connection is there between the lungs of London and the
+lights of the metropolis?</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Saw for Slop Tailors.</span>&mdash;Ill tweeds shrink apace.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Tissue of Lies.</span>&mdash;A forged bank-note.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p>
+
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Nice Investment.</span>&mdash;Amongst the advertisements of new undertakings we
+notice one of "The Universal Disinfector Company." Our broker has
+instructions to procure us some shares, if they are in good odour.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Tight Fit.</span>&mdash;Intoxication.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">How to Supply St. Paul's with Bells and Chimes</span> <i>Cheap</i>.&mdash;Melt down the
+canons.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Thought from our Tub.</span>&mdash;Respect everybody's feelings. If you wish to
+have your laundress's address, avoid asking her where she "hangs out."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Hard Lines.</span>&mdash;Overhead wires.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Hotel for Bee-Fanciers.</span>&mdash;The Hum-mums.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Unprecedented Trade Announcement.</span>&mdash;The pig-market was quiet.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Money Market and Sanitary Intelligence.</span>&mdash;The unsafest of all deposits is
+the deposit of the banks of the Thames.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Place to Spend All Fools' Day.</span>&mdash;<i>Madame Tous-sots'.</i></center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i047.png">
+<img src="images/i047.png" width="100%" alt="You're quite safe"/></a>
+<br />
+<p><i>Bus-driver.</i> "All right, ladies! You're quite safe.
+They're werry partikler wot they eats!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i048.png">
+<img src="images/i048.png" width="100%" alt="METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS"/></a>
+<h3>METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS</h3>
+<p>The next sensational literary advertisement; or, things of beauty in our
+streets.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Solemn Jest.</span>&mdash;Where should postmen be buried? In a post-crypt.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Blunder-Bus.</span>&mdash;One that takes you to Holborn when you want to go to the
+Bank.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Epitaph for a Stockbroker.</span>&mdash;"Waiting for a rise."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Board Wages.</span>&mdash;Directors' fees.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>STOCK EXCHANGE</h2>
+
+<center><i>Illustrated by Dumb-Crambo, Junior</i></center>
+<br />
+<table summary="cartoons">
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i049a.png">
+<img src="images/i049a.png" width="100%" alt="Carrying over"/></a>
+<h3>Carrying over</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i049b.png">
+<img src="images/i049b.png" width="100%" alt="Market falling"/></a>
+<h3>Market falling</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i049c.png">
+<img src="images/i049c.png" width="100%" alt="Market firm"/></a>
+<h3>Market firm</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i049d.png">
+<img src="images/i049d.png" width="100%" alt="Preparing for a rise"/></a>
+<h3>Preparing for a rise</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i049e.png">
+<img src="images/i049e.png" width="100%" alt="Arranging for a fall"/></a>
+<h3>Arranging for a fall</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i049f.png">
+<img src="images/i049f.png" width="100%" alt="Home securities flat"/></a>
+<h3>Home securities flat</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3>A NEW WAY TO GET A FRESH APPETITE</h3>
+<center>(<i>A real bit from life at a City company's dinner</i>)</center>
+<br />
+<p><i>Young Visitor.</i> Really, sir, you must excuse me. I am compelled to
+refuse.</p>
+<p><i>Old Alderman</i> (<i>with profound astonishment</i>). What, refuse these
+beautiful grouse? It's impossible!</p>
+<p><i>Young Visitor.</i> It <i>is</i> impossible, I can assure you, sir. I cannot eat
+any more.</p>
+<p><i>Old Alderman</i> (<i>tenderly</i>). Come, come. I tell you what now. Just take
+my advice, and <i>try a cold chair</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Design for a Paper-Weight.</span>&mdash;The portrait of a gentleman waiting for the
+<i>Times</i>.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Best "Financial Relations."</span>&mdash;Our "uncles."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">At the Angel Court Kitchen.</span>&mdash;<i>Stranger</i> (<i>to Eminent Financier</i>). Why
+did you call that man at the bar "the Microbe"?<br />
+
+<i>Eminent Financier.</i> Because he's "in everything."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Ground Rents.</span>&mdash;The effects of an earthquake.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i050.png">
+<img src="images/i050.png" width="100%" alt="Following the Fashion"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Following the Fashion.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Baked-Tater Merchant.</i> "'Ow's
+trade! Why fust-rate!! I'm a-goin' to conwert the bis'ness into a
+limited liability comp'ny&mdash;and retire into private life!!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>SONGS OF THE STREETS</h2>
+
+<center>UPON THE KERB</center>
+<br />
+<div class="poem w32"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Upon the kerb a maiden neat&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Her watchet eyes are passing sweet&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">There stands and waits in dire distress:</p>
+<p class="i2">The muddy road is pitiless,</p>
+<p class="i0">And 'buses thunder down the street!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">A snowy skirt, all frill and pleat;</p>
+<p class="i0">Two tiny, well-shod, dainty feet</p>
+<p class="i2">Peep out, beneath her kilted dress,</p>
+<p class="i8">Upon the kerb!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">She'll first advance and then retreat,</p>
+<p class="i0">Half frightened by a hansom fleet.</p>
+<p class="i2">She looks around, I must confess,</p>
+<p class="i2">With marvellous coquettishness!&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Then droops her eyes and looks discreet,</p>
+<p class="i8">Upon the kerb!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>Definition of "<span class="smcap">The Happy Mean</span>."&mdash;A joyful miser.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">To People Down in the World.</span>&mdash;Try the new hotels: they will give you a
+lift.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">What</span> is the best thing to do in a hurry? Nothing.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i051.png">
+<img src="images/i051.png" width="100%" alt="Handy with his feet"/></a>
+<center><i>Sarah</i> (<i>to Sal</i>). "Lor! ain't 'e 'andy with 'is feet!"</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>PUNCH'S COUNTRY COUSIN'S GUIDE</h2>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">The Metropolis in the <i>Morte Saison</i></span></center>
+
+<p>8 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>&mdash;Rise, as in the country, and stroll round the squares before
+breakfast, to see the turn out of cooks and charwomen. Ask your way back
+of the first policeman you meet.</p>
+
+<p>9 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>&mdash;Breakfast. First taste of London milk and butter. Analyse, if
+not in a hurry. Any policeman will show you the nearest chemist.</p>
+
+<p>10 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>&mdash;To Battersea Park to see carpets beaten. Curious atmospheric
+effects observable in the clouds of dust and the language of the
+beaters. Inquire your road of any policeman.</p>
+
+<p>11 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>&mdash;Take penny steamer up to Westminster Bridge, in time to arrive
+at Scotland Yard, and inspect the police as they start on their various
+beats. For any information, inquire of the inspector.</p>
+
+<p>12 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>&mdash;Hansom cab races. These can be viewed at any hour by standing
+still at a hundred yards from any cabstand and holding up a shilling.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span>
+An amusing sequel may be enjoyed by referring all the drivers to the
+nearest policeman.</p>
+
+<p>1 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>&mdash;Observe the beauties of solitude among the flowers in Hyde Park.
+Lunch at the lodge on curds and whey. Ask the whey of the park keeper.</p>
+
+<p>2 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>&mdash;Visit the exhibitions of painting on the various scaffoldings in
+Belgravia. Ask the next policeman if the house painters are Royal
+Academicians. Note what he says.</p>
+
+<p>3 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>&mdash;Look at the shops in Bond Street and Regent Street, and purchase
+the dummy goods disposed of at an awful sacrifice.</p>
+
+<p>4 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>&mdash;See the stickleback fed at the Westminster Aquarium. If nervous
+at being alone, ask the policeman in waiting to accompany you over the
+building.</p>
+
+<p>5 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>&mdash;Find a friend still in town to give you five o'clock tea in her
+back drawing-room&mdash;the front of the house being shut up.</p>
+
+<p>6 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>&mdash;Back to the park. Imagine the imposing cavalcades in Rotten Row
+(now invisible), with the aid of one exercising groom and the two
+daughters of a riding-master in full procession.</p>
+
+<p>7 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>&mdash;Wake up the waiters at the Triclinium<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> Restaurant, and persuade
+them to warm up dinner for your benefit.</p>
+
+<p>8 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>&mdash;Perambulate the Strand, and visit the closed doors of the
+various theatres. Ask the nearest policeman for his opinion on London
+actors. You will find it as good as a play.</p>
+
+<p>9 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>&mdash;A Turkish bath may be had in Covent Garden Theatre. Towels or
+programmes are supplied by the policemen at the doors.</p>
+
+<p>10 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>&mdash;Converse, before turning in, with the policeman on duty or the
+fireman in charge of the fire-escape. Much interesting information may
+be obtained in this way.</p>
+
+<p>11 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>&mdash;Supper at the cabmen's shelter, or the coffee stall corner of
+Hyde Park. Get a policeman to take you home to bed.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i052.png">
+<img src="images/i052.png" width="100%" alt="Is it hurt"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Benevolent Old Gentleman.</i> "<i>Poor</i> little thing! Is it
+hurt?"</p><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>But it was only the week's washing.</i></span><br />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i053.png">
+<img src="images/i053.png" width="100%" alt="Amenities of the road"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Amenities of the road.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Robert.</i> "Now then, four-wheeler, why couldn't you pull up sooner? Didn't you see me 'old up
+my 'and?"</p>
+<p><i>Cabby</i> (<i>suavely</i>). "Well, constable, I <i>did</i> see a kind of
+shadder pass acrorst the sky; but my 'orse 'e shied at your feet!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<br />
+<center><i>Q.</i> <span class="smcap">What</span> is the best sort of cigar to smoke in a hansom?<br />
+
+<i>A.</i> A Cab-ana.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Wheel of Fortune.</span>&mdash;It must have belonged originally to an omnibus,
+for it is continually "taking up" and "putting down" people.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i054.png">
+<img src="images/i054.png" width="100%" alt="carriage accident"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Groom</i> (<i>whose master is fully occupied with
+unmanageable pair which has just run into rear of omnibus</i>). "Well,
+anyway, it wasn't the guv'nor's fault."</p>
+<p>'<i>Bus Conductor.</i> "No&mdash;it was <i>your</i> fault, for letting 'im drive!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i055.png">
+<img src="images/i055.png" width="100%" alt="The way we Build now"/></a>
+<h3>"<span class="smcap">The way we Build now.</span>"</h3>
+<p><i>Indignant Houseowner</i> (<i>he had heard it was so much cheaper, in the end,
+to buy your house</i>). "Wh' what's the&mdash;what am I!&mdash;wha' what do you suppose is the meaning of this,
+Mr. Scampling!"</p>
+<p><i>Local Builder.</i> "'T' tut, tut! Well, sir, I 'spects
+some one's been a-leanin' agin it!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i056.png">
+<img src="images/i056.png" width="100%" alt="GETTING HIS ANSWER"/></a>
+<h3>GETTING HIS ANSWER</h3>
+<p><i>Important Old Gent</i> (<i>from the country, who thinks the lofty bearing of
+these London barmaids ought to be "taken down a bit"</i>). "Glass of ale,
+young woman; and look sharp, please!"</p>
+<p><i>Haughty Blonde</i> (<i>blandly</i>). "Second-class refreshments lower down,
+sir!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE MEAT MARKET</h2>
+
+<p>Legs were freely walked off, and there was a pressure on ribs owing to
+the rush of beggars; but knuckles came down, while calves'-heads were
+looking-up steadily. At Smithfield, there was a rush of bulls, but the
+transactions were of such a hazardous nature as to appear more like a
+toss-up than firm business. Any kind of security was resorted to, and
+the bulls having driven a well-known speculator into a corner, he was
+glad to get out as he could, though an attempt was made to pin him to
+his position.</p>
+
+<p>Pigs went on much at the old rates; and briskness could not be obtained,
+though the <i>coupons</i> were freely offered.</p>
+
+<p>The weather having been favourable to slaughtering, calves have not been
+brought to the pen&mdash;but there is something doing in beef, for the "<i>Last
+of the Barons</i>" is advertised.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Original Cab Radius.</span>&mdash;A spoke of Ph&oelig;bus's chariot-wheel.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Motto for the L.G.O.C.</span>&mdash;<i>Bus</i> in urbe.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i057.png">
+<img src="images/i057.png" width="80%" alt="A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY</span></h3>
+<p><i>Old Gentleman (returning from City festivity).</i> "Pleashm'n, where'sh
+M'sht'r Brown live?"</p>
+<p><i>Constable (recognising him).</i> "Why, dear me, sir, you are Mr. Brown!"</p>
+<p><i>Mr. B.</i> "Aw right! Bu'&mdash;where do I live?"!</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i058.png">
+<img src="images/i058.png" width="80%" alt="Cheap Jack"/></a>
+<h3><i>Cheap Jack.</i></h3>
+<p>"I will make a present of this genooine
+gold watch&mdash;none of your carrots&mdash;to henny lady or gentleman for fifteen
+shillings an' sixpence. Why am I doin' this? To hencourage trade, that
+is why I am givin' it away for fourteen shillings an' sixpence. Look at
+it for yourselves, for fourteen shillings! If yer don't believe it's
+gold, <i>jump on it</i>?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i059.png">
+<img src="images/i059.png" width="100%" alt="At the Diamond Jubilee"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">At the Diamond Jubilee.</span></h3>
+<p><i>First Doubtful Character.</i> "My eye, mate, this is a squash!"</p>
+<p><i>Second D. C.</i> "Squash! Why, s'elp me, if I ain't 'ad my 'and in this cove's pocket for the larst twenty minits,
+an' can't get it out!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p><hr />
+
+<h2>BACK TO TOWN</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w36"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Back to town, and it certes is rapture to stand,</p>
+<p class="i0">And to hear once again all the roar of the Strand;</p>
+<p class="i0">I agree with the bard who said, noisy or stilly,</p>
+<p class="i0">By gaslight or daylight, he loved Piccadilly;</p>
+<p class="i0">The wanderer's heart with emotion doth swell,</p>
+<p class="i0">When he sees the broad pavement of pleasant Pall Mall.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Some folks like the City; wherever they range,</p>
+<p class="i0">Their hearts are still true to the Royal Exchange;</p>
+<p class="i0">They've beheld alpine summits rise rank upon rank,</p>
+<p class="i0">But the Matterhorn's nothing compared with the Bank;</p>
+<p class="i0">And they feel quite rejoiced in the omnibus ride,</p>
+<p class="i0">As that hearse for the living rolls up through Cheapside.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The mind of a man is expanded by travel,</p>
+<p class="i0">But give me my house on the Kensington gravel:</p>
+<p class="i0">The wine of the Frenchman is good, and his grub,</p>
+<p class="i0">But he isn't devoted to soap and the tub;</p>
+<p class="i0">Though it may be my prejudice, yet I'll be shot,</p>
+<p class="i0">If I don't think one Englishman's worth all the lot!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">With Germans I've no disposition to quarrel,</p>
+<p class="i0">Though most of their women resemble a barrel;</p>
+<p class="i0">And, as for myself, I could never make out</p>
+<p class="i0">The charms of their <i>schnitzel</i> and raw <i>sauer-kraut</i>;</p>
+<p class="i0">While everyone owns, since the last mighty war,</p>
+<p class="i0">Your average Teuton's too bumptious by far.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I think it's been stated before, that you roam</p>
+<p class="i0">To prove to yourself that there's no place like home,</p>
+<p class="i0">Though lands that are lovely lie eastward and west,</p>
+<p class="i0">Our "tight little island," believe me, 's the best;</p>
+<p class="i0">Through Paris, Berlin, and Vienna you've passed,</p>
+<p class="i0">To find that there's nothing like London at last!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i060.png">
+<img src="images/i060.png" width="100%" alt="hair cutting"/></a><br /><br />
+<p><i>New Assistant (after hair-cutting, to Jones, who has
+been away for a couple of weeks).</i> "Your 'air is very thin be'ind, sir.
+Try singeing!"</p>
+<p><i>Jones (after a pause).</i> "Yes, I think I will."</p>
+<p><i>N. A. (after singeing).</i> "Shampoo, sir? Good for the 'air, sir."</p>
+<p><i>Jones.</i> "Thank you. Yes."</p>
+<p><i>N. A.</i> "Your moustaches curled?"</p>
+<p><i>Jones.</i> "Please."</p>
+<p><i>N. A.</i> "May I give you a friction?"</p>
+<p><i>Jones.</i> "Thank you."</p>
+<p><i>N. A.</i> "Will you try some of our&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Manager (who has just sighted his man, in stage whisper).</i> "You idiot!
+<i>He's</i> a subscriber!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R.</span> was in an omnibus lately. The streets were so badly paved, she
+says, that the osculations were most trying to elderly people, though
+the younger ladies did not seem to object to them.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Signs of a Severe Winter in London</span></p>
+<p>Early departure of swallows from Swallow Street.</p>
+<p>Poet's Corner covered with rime.</p>
+<p>Wild ducks on the Stock Exchange.</p>
+<p>Coals raised.</p>
+
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Cynic's Motto for Kelly's Directory</span> (<i>by the kind permission of the
+Author of "Dead Men whom I have known."</i>)&mdash;Living men whom I don't want
+to know.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Money Market</span>&mdash;Shares, in Ascension Island Company, going up.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">City Intelligence.</span>&mdash;Should the proposed asylum for decayed bill brokers,
+jobbers, and others on 'Change be ultimately built, it will probably be
+at Stock-holm.</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i061.png">
+<img src="images/i061.png" width="100%" alt="Convenient"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Convenient.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Lodger (who has been dining).</i> "D' you have
+any 'bjecks'n t' my 'shcaping up into my rooms shec'nd floor? F'got my
+la'ch-key!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Advice to Smokers.</span>&mdash;Cut Cavendish.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Fashionable Intelligence.</span>&mdash;A new club, composed entirely of aristocratic
+literary ladies, is in course of formation; it is to be called "The Blue
+Lights."</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<h3>NURSERY RHYME FOR THE TIME</h3>
+
+<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Bye baby bunting,</p>
+<p class="i0">Daddy's gone a hunting</p>
+<p class="i0">On the Stock Exchange, to catch</p>
+<p class="i0">Some one who is not his match;</p>
+<p class="i2">If he has luck,</p>
+<p class="i2">As well as pluck,</p>
+<p class="i0">A coach he'll very likely win</p>
+<p class="i0">To ride his baby bunting in.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Deaf Man's Paradise.</span>&mdash;The Audit Office.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i062.png">
+<img src="images/i062.png" width="100%" alt="CASTING ACCOUNTS"/></a>
+<h3>"CASTING ACCOUNTS"</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i063.png">
+<img src="images/i063.png" width="100%" alt="Our French Visitors"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Our French Visitors.</span></h3>
+<center>(Scene&mdash;<i>Royal Exchange</i>.)</center>
+<br />
+<p><i>First Frenchman (his first time in London).</i> "Tiens, Alphonse! Qui est cet
+homme-là?"</p>
+<p><i>Second Frenchman (who, having been here once before is
+supposed to know all about it).</i> "Chut! Plus bas, mon ami." (<i>Whispers
+in reverential tone.</i>) "Ce monsieur-là&mdash;c'est le Lor' Maire!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A very much Over-rated Place.</span>&mdash;London, under the County Council.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Bill Acceptor.</span>&mdash;A dead wall.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Site for a Ragged School.</span>&mdash;Tattersall's.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Links that are no Sort of Use in any Fog.</span>&mdash;Shirt-links.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The most Beautiful and Beautifying Tree in London.</span>&mdash;The plane.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">Coigns of 'vantage.</span>"&mdash;<i>£</i>. <i>s.</i> <i>d.</i></center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i064.png">
+<img src="images/i064.png" width="100%" alt="BULL AND BEAR"/></a>
+<h3>BULL AND BEAR</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The "Bread of Idleness.</span>"&mdash;Loafing.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>POEM ON A PUBLIC-HOUSE</center>
+
+<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Of this establishment how can we speak?</p>
+<p class="i0">Its cheese is mitey and its ale is weak.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Aristocrat's Paradise.</span>&mdash;Quality Court.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">The Controller of the <i>Mint</i>.</span>"&mdash;The greengrocer.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Seasonable.</span>&mdash;What sort of a bath would a resident of Cornhill probably
+prefer?<br /> A <i>Cit's</i> bath.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Tippler's Paradise.</span>&mdash;Portsoken Ward.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>MONEY MARKET</h2>
+<table summary="cartoons">
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i065a.png">
+<img src="images/i065a.png" width="100%" alt="Tightness"/></a>
+<h3>Tightness observable at the opening</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i065b.png">
+<img src="images/i065b.png" width="100%" alt="decline"/></a>
+<h3>A decline at the close</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i065c.png">
+<img src="images/i065c.png" width="100%" alt="Railways"/></a>
+<h3>Railways were dull</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 65%">
+<a href="images/i065d.png">
+<img src="images/i065d.png" width="100%" alt="Bullyin"/></a>
+<h3>Bullyin' movements</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Stockbroker's Vade Mecum.</span>&mdash;A book of good quotations.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Epitaph on a Letter Carrier.</span>&mdash;<i>Post obit.</i></center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Man in Advance of his Time.</span>&mdash;One who has been knocked into the middle
+of next week.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Lord Mayor's Residence.</span>&mdash;The munching house.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i066.png">
+<img src="images/i066.png" width="100%" alt="THE UNPUNCTUAL CLERK"/></a>
+<h3>A NEW TERROR FOR THE UNPUNCTUAL CLERK</h3>
+<center>[According to the <i>Scientific American</i> they have commenced making in
+Switzerland phonographic clocks and watches, which pronounce the hour
+most distinctly.]</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Best School of Cookery.</span>&mdash;The office of a City accountant.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i067.png">
+<img src="images/i067.png" width="100%" alt="OBSTINACY OF THE PARENT"/></a>
+<h3>THE OBSTINACY OF THE PARENT</h3>
+<p><i>Emily Jane.</i> "Yes, I'm always a-sayin' to father as 'e oughter retire
+from the crossin', but keep at it 'e will, though it ain't just no more
+'n the broom as 'olds 'im up!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE MONEY MARKET</h2>
+
+<p>The scarcity of money is frightful. As much as a hundred per cent., to
+be paid in advance, has been asked upon bills; but we have not yet heard
+of any one having given it. There was an immense run for gold, but no
+one got any, and the whole of the transactions of the day were done in
+copper. An influential party created some sensation by coming into the
+market late in the afternoon, just before the close of business, with
+half-a-crown; but it was found, on inquiry, to be a bad one. It is
+expected that if the dearth of money continues another week, buttons
+must be resorted to. A party, whose transactions are known to be large,
+succeeded in settling his account with the bulls, by means of
+postage-stamps; an arrangement of which the bears will probably take
+advantage.</p>
+
+<p>A large capitalist in the course of the day attempted to change the
+direction things had taken, by throwing an immense quantity of paper
+into the market; but as no one seemed disposed to have anything to do
+with it, it blew over.</p>
+
+<p>The parties to the Dutch loan are much irritated<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> at being asked to take
+their dividends in butter; but, after the insane attempt to get rid of
+the Spanish arrears by cigars, which, it is well known, ended in smoke,
+we do not think the Dutch project will be proceeded with.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">Letters of Credit.</span>"&mdash;I.O.U.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Capital Punishment.</span>&mdash;Stopping in London in August.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Residence for the Clerk of the Weather.</span>&mdash;"The clearing-house."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i069.png">
+<img src="images/i069.png" width="100%" alt="MAN OF LETTERS"/></a>
+<h3>A MAN OF LETTERS</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i068.png">
+<img src="images/i068.png" width="100%" alt="Most Assuring"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Most Assuring.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Brown (who is nervous about sanitary matters, and detects something).</i> "Hum"&mdash;(<i>sniffs</i>)&mdash;"surely&mdash;this
+system of yours&mdash;these pipes now&mdash;do they communicate with your main
+drain?"</p>
+<p><i>Hairdresser (with cheery gusto).</i> "Direct, sir!"</p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Tableau.</i></span><br />
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i070.png">
+<img src="images/i070.png" width="100%" alt="How long to Victoria"/></a>
+<br />
+<p><i>Gilded Johnny.</i> "How long will it take your bally cab to
+get to Victoria?"</p>
+<p><i>Cabby.</i> "Oh, just about the same time as an ordinary keb, sir."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i071.png">
+<img src="images/i071.png" width="100%" alt="NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND"/></a>
+<h3>"NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND"</h3>
+<p><i>Respectable Man.</i> "Dear me! I'm sorry to see this, Muggles! I heard
+you'd left off drinking!"</p>
+<p><i>Disreputable Party.</i> "Sho I 'ave, shir&mdash;(<i>hic</i>)&mdash;jesh 'ish very
+minute!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i072.png">
+<img src="images/i072.png" width="100%" alt="don't go, you know"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Obvious.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Stingy Uncle (to impecunious Nephew).</i> "Pay as you go, my boy!&mdash;Pay as you go!"</p>
+<p><i>Nephew (suggestively).</i> "But suppose I haven't any money to pay with,
+uncle&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Uncle.</i> "Eh?&mdash;Well, then, don't go, you know&mdash;don't go!"</p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Exit hastily</i>.</span>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i073.png">
+<img src="images/i073.png" width="100%" alt="Street Serio"/></a>
+<h3><i>Street Serio (singing).</i></h3>
+<p>"Er&mdash;yew will think hov me and love me has in dies hov long ago-o-o!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i074.png">
+<img src="images/i074.png" width="100%" alt="Billboard bearer"/></a>
+<h3>SHEWERFIT &amp; C<sup>o</sup>.</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i075.png">
+<img src="images/i075.png" width="100%" alt="REAL GRATITUDE"/></a>
+<h3>REAL GRATITUDE</h3>
+<p><i>Tramp (to Chappie, who has just given him a shilling).</i> "I 'ope as 'ow
+some day, sir, <i>you</i> may want a shillin', an' that I'll be able to give
+it to yer!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i076.png">
+<img src="images/i076.png" width="100%" alt="I'll be yer Sweet'art"/></a>
+<h3><i>Vendor of Cheap Music.</i></h3>
+<p>"'Ere y' are, lidy! <i>'I'll be yer Sweet'art.'</i> One penny!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>CORRESPONDENCE</h2>
+
+<p>If you please, sir, as a young visitor to the metropolis, and well
+acquainted with history, I want to ask you&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>Who is the Constable of the Tower?</p>
+
+<p>What is his number?</p>
+
+<p>Is he dressed like other constables?</p>
+
+<p>Can he run anyone in, and make them move on if found loitering on
+his beat?</p>
+
+<p>Is his beat all round the Tower?</p>
+
+<p>Is he a special? one of the <i>force de tour</i>, empowered to use a
+<i>tour de force</i>? (You see I am well up in French.)</p>
+
+<p>I saw a very amiable-looking policeman cracking nuts in the
+vicinity of the Tower. Do you think this was the constable in
+question?</p></blockquote>
+
+<center>Yours,</center>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Rusty Cuss in Urbe.</span></p>
+
+<p>P.S.&mdash;Pantheon means a place where all the gods are. I know Greek.
+The Pantheon in Regent Street I find is now a wine merchant's. Is
+England exclusively devoted to Bacchus, and is temperance a heresy?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i077.png">
+<img src="images/i077.png" width="100%" alt="On the Ninth"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">On the Ninth.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Freddy.</i> "And do they have a new Lord Mayor every year, mummie?"</p>
+<p><i>Mother.</i> "Yes, dear."</p>
+<p><i>Freddy.</i> "Then what do they do with the old Lord Mayors when they've
+done with 'em?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i078.png">
+<img src="images/i078.png" width="100%" alt="men in coversation"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Clerk.</i> "Lady been here this morning, sir, complaining
+about some goods we sent her."</p>
+<p><i>Employer.</i> "Who was she?"</p>
+<p><i>Clerk.</i> "I quite forgot to ask her name, sir, but she's a little woman&mdash;<i>with a
+full-sized tongue</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p><hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i079.png">
+<img src="images/i079.png" width="100%" alt="his imaginary foe"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Little Boldwig</i> (<i>he had been dining with his Company,
+and had let himself in with his latchkey&mdash;to gigantic stranger he finds
+in his hall</i>). "Come on. I'll fight you!" (<i>Furiously.</i>) "Put your
+shtick down!!"</p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>But his imaginary foe was only the new umbrella-stand</i>&mdash;<i>a present</i><br />
+<i>from Mrs. B.!</i></span>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i080.png">
+<img src="images/i080.png" width="100%" alt="MAKING THE MOST OF IT"/></a>
+<h3>MAKING THE MOST OF IT</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Shocking Thing to think of!</span>&mdash;A galvanic battery.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">Cash Advances.</span>"&mdash;Courting a rich widow.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Motto for Hairdressers.</span>&mdash;"Cut and comb again."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Correct Motto for the Easy Shaver.</span>&mdash;Nothing like lather.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>ADVERTISEMENT INADVERTENCIES</h2>
+
+<center><i>Perpetrated by Dumb-Crambo, Junior</i></center>
+<br />
+<table summary="cartoons">
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i081a.png">
+<img src="images/i081a.png" width="100%" alt="Suitable opening for a pupil"/></a>
+<h3>"Suitable opening for a pupil"</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i081b.png">
+<img src="images/i081b.png" width="100%" alt="Mother's help wanted"/></a>
+<h3>"Mother's help wanted"</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i081c.png">
+<img src="images/i081c.png" width="100%" alt="Pushing man to take orders"/></a>
+<h3>"Pushing man to take orders"</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i081d.png">
+<img src="images/i081d.png" width="100%" alt="A good plate cleaner"/></a>
+<h3>"A good plate cleaner"</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i081e.png">
+<img src="images/i081e.png" width="100%" alt="No reasonable offer refused"/></a>
+<h3>"No reasonable offer refused"</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i081f.png">
+<img src="images/i081f.png" width="100%" alt="Goods carefully removed"/></a>
+<h3>"Goods carefully removed (in town or country)"</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Best Possession.</span>&mdash;Self-possession.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Two Synonymous Trades.</span>&mdash;A hairdresser; a locksmith.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The best Substitute for Coal.</span>&mdash;Warm weather.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i082.png">
+<img src="images/i082.png" width="100%" alt="Passing Amenities"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Passing Amenities.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Growler.</i> "Hi! Hi! Carn't yer look out wher' yer a-comin'?"</p>
+<p><i>Omnibus.</i> "Garn! Shut up, jack-in-the-box!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i083.png">
+<img src="images/i083.png" width="100%" alt="Perhaps she's D. E. F."/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p>"I wonder when that A. B. C. girl is going to serve us?
+I've called her half-a-dozen times."</p>
+<p>"Perhaps she's D. E. F."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Town Improvement.</span>&mdash;There is, we hear, a winter garden to be opened at
+Somer's Town.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Dummy-Monde.</span>&mdash;Madame Tussaud's wax-work.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i084.png">
+<img src="images/i084.png" width="100%" alt="SO INVITING"/></a>
+<h3>SO INVITING!</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i085.png">
+<img src="images/i085.png" width="100%" alt="do you believe in woman's rights"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Passenger</i> (<i>rising politely</i>). "Excuse me, mum, but do
+you believe in woman's rights?"</p>
+<p><i>New Woman.</i> "Most certainly I do."</p>
+<p><i>Passenger</i> (<i>resuming seat</i>). "Oh well, then stand up for 'em!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>DESPERATE RESOLVES OF THE LAST MAN LEFT IN TOWN</h2>
+
+<p>To visit the National Gallery (for the first time), as an Englishman
+should really know something about the art treasures of his native
+country.</p>
+
+<p>To spend an hour at the Tower (also for the first time), because there
+you will be able to brighten up your historical recollections which have
+become rather rusty since you took your B.A. degree just fifteen years
+ago.</p>
+
+<p>To enter St. Paul's Cathedral with a view to thinking out a really good
+plan of decoration for the benefit of those who read letters addressed
+to the editor of the <i>Times</i>.</p>
+
+<p>To take a ride in an omnibus from Piccadilly to Brompton to see what the
+interior of the vehicle in question is like, and therein to study the
+manners and customs of the English middle classes.</p>
+
+<p>To walk in Rotten Row between the hours of twelve (noon) and two (p.m.)
+to see how the place looks without any people in it.</p>
+
+<p>To have your photograph taken in your militia<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> uniform, as now there is
+no one in town to watch you getting out of a cab in full war paint.</p>
+
+<p>To stroll into Mudie's Library to get all the new novels, because after
+reading them you may suddenly find yourself inspired to write a critique
+that will make your name (when the article has been accepted and
+published) as a most accomplished reviewer.</p>
+
+<p>To read all the newspapers and magazines at the hairdresser's while your
+head is being shampooed (for the fourth time), as now is the time for
+improving your mind (occupied with so many other things during the
+season) with popular current literature.</p>
+
+<p>To walk to your club (closed for repairs, &amp;c.) to see how the workmen
+are progressing with the stone scraping of the exterior, as you feel
+yourself responsible to hundreds of your fellow-creatures as a member of
+the house committee.</p>
+
+<p>To write a long letter to your friend Brown, of the 121st Foot, now in
+India with his regiment, to tell him how nothing is going on anywhere,
+because you have not written to him since he said "Good-bye" to you at
+Southampton.</p>
+
+<p>To go home to bed at nine o'clock, as early<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> hours are good for the
+health, and because there is really nothing else to do.</p>
+
+<p>And last, but not least, to leave London for the country by the very
+first train to-morrow morning!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING IN THE CITY</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Sigh no more dealers, sigh no more,</p>
+<p class="i2">Shares were unstable ever,</p>
+<p class="i0">They often have been down before,</p>
+<p class="i2">At high rates constant never.</p>
+<p class="i4">Then sigh not so,</p>
+<p class="i4">Soon up they'll go,</p>
+<p class="i2">And you'll be blithe and funny,</p>
+<p class="i4">Converting all your notes of woe</p>
+<p class="i2">Into hey, money, money.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Write no more letters, write no mo</p>
+<p class="i2">On stocks so dull and heavy.</p>
+<p class="i0">At times on 'Change 'tis always so,</p>
+<p class="i2">When bears a tribute levy.</p>
+<p class="i4">Then sigh not so,</p>
+<p class="i4">And don't be low,</p>
+<p class="i2">In sunshine you'll make honey,</p>
+<p class="i4">Converting all your notes of woe,</p>
+<p class="i2">Into hey, money, money.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">The Deserted Village.</span>"&mdash;London in September.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Clockmaker's Paradise.</span>&mdash;Seven Dials.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i086.png">
+<img src="images/i086.png" width="100%" alt="Studies in Evolution"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Studies in Evolution.</span></h3>
+<p>Alderman Brownjones senior explains to his son, Alderman Brownjones
+junior, that there is a lamentable falling-off since <i>his</i> day, in the
+breed of aldermen-sheriffs&mdash;not only in style and bearing, but even
+in "happetite"!</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i087.png">
+<img src="images/i087.png" width="100%" alt="Man rushing out of club"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Gent</i> (<i>rushing out of club in a terrific hurry</i>). "I
+say, cabby, drive as fast as you can to Waterloo&mdash;Leatherhead!"</p>
+<p><i>Cabby.</i> "'Ere, I say, not so much of your <i>leather'ed</i>, if you please!"</p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Goes off grumbling.</i></span>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i088.png">
+<img src="images/i088.png" width="100%" alt="" title="Women talking"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Mrs. Snobson</i> (<i>who is doing a little slumming for the
+first time and wishes to appear affable, but is at a loss to know how to
+commence conversation</i>). "Town very empty!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>NEW EDITION OF WALKER</h2>
+
+<p>
+The baker rolls.<br />
+The butcher shambles.<br />
+The banker balances himself well.<br />
+The cook has a mincing gait.<br />
+The livery-stable keeper has a "<i>musing</i> gait."<br />
+The excursionist trips along.<br />
+The fishmonger flounders on.<br />
+The poulterer waddles like a duck.<br />
+The gardener does not allow the grass to grow under his feet.<br />
+The grocer treads gingerly.<br />
+The indiarubber manufacturer has an elastic step.<br />
+The rogue shuffles, and<br />
+The doctor's pace is killing.<br />
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Shopkeeper's Science.</span>&mdash;Buyology.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">People</span> talk about making a clean sweep. Can they make a sweep clean?</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Beneath One's Notice.</span>&mdash;Advertisements on the pavement.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i089.png">
+<img src="images/i089.png" width="100%" alt="ABSENT-MINDED BEGGAR"/></a>
+<h3>"THE ABSENT-MINDED BEGGAR"</h3>
+<center>(<i>With apologies to Mr. Kipling</i>)</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i090.png">
+<img src="images/i090.png" width="100%" alt="Talkative Old Lady"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Talkative Old Lady</i> (<i>drinking a glass of milk, to
+enthusiastic teetotaler, who is doing ditto</i>). "Yes, sir, since they're
+begun poisoning the beer, we <i>must</i> drink <i>something</i>, mustn't we?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i091.png">
+<img src="images/i091.png" width="100%" alt="cramped for room"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Small Boy</i> (<i>who is somewhat cramped for room</i>). "Are
+you still there, Billy? I thought you wos lost."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i092.png">
+<img src="images/i092.png" width="100%" alt="Irate Old Gentleman"/></a>
+<p><i>Irate Old Gentleman.</i> "Here, I say, your beast of a dog
+has bitten a piece out of my leg!"</p>
+<p><i>Dog's Owner.</i> "Oh, bother! And I wanted to bring him up a vegetarian!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i093.png">
+<img src="images/i093.png" width="100%" alt="Not a drop"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p>"'Ad any breakfus' 's mornin'?" "Not a drop!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE INFANT'S GUIDE TO KNOWLEDGE</h2>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Concerning Cash</span></center>
+
+<p><i>Question.</i> What is cash?</p>
+
+<p><i>Answer.</i> Cash may be described as comfort in the concrete.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Is it not sometimes called "the root of all evil"?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Yes, by those who do not possess it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Is it possible to live without cash?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Certainly&mdash;upon credit.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Can you tell me what is credit?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Credit is the motive power which induces persons who have cash, to
+part with some of it to those who have it not.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Can you give me an instance of credit?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Certainly. A young man who is able to live at the rate of a
+thousand a-year, with an income not exceeding nothing a month, is a case
+of credit.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Would it be right to describe such a transaction as "much to his
+credit"?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> It would be more precise to say, "much by<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span> his credit"; although
+the former phrase would be accepted by a large class of the community as
+absolutely accurate.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> What is bimetallism?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Bimetallism is a subject that is frequently discussed by amateur
+financiers, after a good dinner, on the near approach of the coffee.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Can you give me your impression of the theory of bimetallism?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> My impression of bimetallism is the advisability of obtaining
+silver, if you cannot get gold.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> What is the best way of securing gold?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> The safest way is to borrow it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Can money be obtained in any other way?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> In the olden time it was gathered on Hounslow Heath and other
+deserted spots, by mounted horsemen wearing masks and carrying pistols.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> What is the modern way of securing funds, on the same principles,
+but with smaller risk?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> By promoting companies and other expedients known to the members of
+the Stock Exchange.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Good Figure-head.</span>&mdash;An arithmetician's.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i094.png">
+<img src="images/i094.png" width="100%" alt="An Empty Embrace"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">An Empty Embrace.</span></h3>
+<p>"'Ere y'are! Humberella rings, two a penny!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i095.png">
+<img src="images/i095.png" width="100%" alt="Two elephants"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Conductor</i> (<i>on "Elephant and Castle" route</i>). "Fares,
+please!"</p>
+<p><i>Fare.</i> "Two elephants!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i096.png">
+<img src="images/i096.png" width="100%" alt="LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIES"/></a>
+<h3>ONE OF "LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIES"</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i097.png">
+<img src="images/i097.png" width="100%" alt="Men talking"/></a>
+<h3>OVERHEARD OUTSIDE A FAMOUS RESTAURANT</h3>
+<p>"Hullo, Gus! What are you waiting about here for?"</p>
+<p>"I'm waiting till the banks close. I want to cash a cheque!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">Unsatisfactory Commercial Relations.</span>"&mdash;Our "uncles."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Country Shareholders.</span>&mdash;Ploughmen.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i098.png">
+<img src="images/i098.png" width="100%" alt="" title="Men talking"/></a>
+<p><i>Working Man, sitting on the steps of a big house in,
+say, Russell Square, smoking pipe. A mate passes by with plumbing tools,
+&amp;c.</i></p>
+<p><i>Man with tools.</i> "Hullo, Jim! Wot are yer doin' 'ere? Caretakin'?"</p>
+<p><i>Man on steps.</i> "No. I'm the howner, 'ere."</p>
+<p><i>Man with tools.</i> "'Ow's that?"</p>
+<p><i>Man on steps.</i> "Why, I did a bit o' plumbing in the 'ouse, an' I took
+the place in part payment for the job."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i099.png">
+<img src="images/i099.png" width="100%" alt="THE GLORIOUS FIFTH"/></a>
+<h3>THE GLORIOUS FIFTH</h3>
+<p><i>Benevolent Lady</i> (<i>fond of the good old customs</i>). "Here, my boy, is
+something for your guy."</p>
+<p><i>Conscientious Youth.</i> "We ain't got no guy, mum; this 'ere's
+grandfather!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A "Young Shaver."</span>&mdash;A barber's baby.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Joint Account.</span>&mdash;A butcher's bill.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i100.png">
+<img src="images/i100.png" width="100%" alt="Customer in barbershop"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">After "The Slump" in the City.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Weak Speculator in South African market</i> (<i>about to pay the barber who has been shaving him</i>). "A
+shilling! eh? Why, your charge used to be only sixpence."</p>
+<p><i>City Barber.</i> "Yes, sir; <i>but you've got such a long face</i>, we're obliged to increase
+the price!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i101.png">
+<img src="images/i101.png" width="100%" alt="Two men talking"/></a>
+<p>"I don't arst yer fer money. I don't <i>want</i> money. Wot I
+wants is bread. <i>'Ave</i> yer got such a thing as a bit o' bread about yer,
+me lord?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE PROMOTER'S VADE MECUM</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>Subject to Revision after the Vacation</i>)</center>
+
+<p><i>Question.</i> What is meant by the promotion of a company?</p>
+
+<p><i>Answer.</i> The process of separating capital from its possessor.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> How is this end accomplished?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> By the preparation and publication of a prospectus.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Of what does a prospectus consist?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> A front page and a statement of facts.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Define a front page.</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> The bait covering the hook, the lane leading to the pitfall, the
+lath concealing the quagmire&mdash;occasionally.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Of what is a front page composed?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Titles, and other suggestions of respectability.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> How are these suggestions obtained?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> In the customary fashion.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Can a banking account be put to any particular service in the
+promotion of a company?</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Certainly; it eases the wheels in all directions.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Can it obtain the good-will of the Press?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Only of questionable and usually short-lived periodicals.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> But the destination of the cash scarcely affects the promoter?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> No; for he loses in any case.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> How much of his profits does he sometimes have to disgorge?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> According to circumstances, from three-fifths to
+nineteen-twentieths of his easily-secured takings.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> And what does promotion do for the promoter?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> It usually bestows upon him temporary prosperity.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Why do you say "temporary"?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Because a pleasant present is frequently followed by a disastrous
+future.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> You mean, then, that this prosperity is like the companies
+promoted, "limited"?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Yes, by the Court of Bankruptcy.</p>
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i102.png">
+<img src="images/i102.png" width="100%" alt="Every morning's a fresh morning"/></a>
+<h3>"ON 'CHANGE"</h3>
+<p><i>Brown.</i> "Mornin'. Fresh mornin', ain't it?"</p>
+<p><i>Smith</i>. "'Course it is. Every morning's a fresh morning! By-bye!"</p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Brown's temper all day is quite unbearable.</i></span><br />
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i103.png">
+<img src="images/i103.png" width="100%" alt="British Workmen"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Sympathetic Passer-by.</i> "But if he's badly hurt, why
+doesn't he go to the hospital?"</p>
+<p><i>British Workman.</i> "Wot! In 'is dinner-time!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>ADVERTISEMENT PERVERSIONS</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By Dumb-Crambo, Junior</i>)</center>
+<table summary="cartoons">
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i104a.png">
+<img src="images/i104a.png" width="100%" alt="Washing wanted"/></a>
+<h3>Washing wanted</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i104b.png">
+<img src="images/i104b.png" width="100%" alt="Left-off clothing"/></a>
+<h3>Left-off clothing</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i104c.png">
+<img src="images/i104c.png" width="100%" alt="Vacancy for one pupil"/></a>
+<h3>Vacancy for one pupil</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i104d.png">
+<img src="images/i104d.png" width="100%" alt="Branch establishment"/></a>
+<h3>Branch establishment</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i104e.png">
+<img src="images/i104e.png" width="100%" alt="Improver wanted in the dressmaking"/></a>
+<h3>Improver wanted in the dressmaking</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i104f.png">
+<img src="images/i104f.png" width="100%" alt="Engagement wanted, as housekeeper. Highly recommended"/></a>
+<h3>Engagement wanted, as housekeeper. Highly recommended</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p>
+
+<table summary="cartoons">
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i105a.png">
+<img src="images/i105a.png" width="100%" alt="Board and residence"/></a>
+<h3>Board and residence</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i105b.png">
+<img src="images/i105b.png" width="100%" alt="Unfurnished flat"/></a>
+<h3>Unfurnished flat</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 55%">
+<a href="images/i105c.png">
+<img src="images/i105c.png" width="100%" alt="Smart youth wanted"/></a>
+<h3>Smart youth wanted</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 55%">
+<a href="images/i105d.png">
+<img src="images/i105d.png" width="100%" alt="Mangling done on the shortest notice"/></a>
+<h3>Mangling done on the shortest notice</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">River Styx.</span>&mdash;"The thousand masts of Thames."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Man we should like to send to a Séance.</span>&mdash;The man who knows how to
+hit the happy medium.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Appropriate <i>Locale</i> for the Dairy Show.</span>&mdash;Chalk Farm.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Tidy Drop.</span>&mdash;A glass of spirits, <i>neat</i>.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i106.png">
+<img src="images/i106.png" width="100%" alt="LORD MAYOR'S SHOW"/></a>
+<h3>LORD MAYOR'S SHOW AS IT OUGHT TO BE</h3>
+<center><i>Designed by Mr. Punch's Special Processionist</i></center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i107.png">
+<img src="images/i107.png" width="100%" alt="ANOTHER SUGGESTION FOR THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW"/></a>
+<h3>ANOTHER SUGGESTION FOR THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW AS IT OUGHT
+TO BE</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i108.png">
+<img src="images/i108.png" width="100%" alt="Nuts for the monkeys"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p>"'Nuts for the monkeys, sir? Buy a bag o' nuts for the
+monkeys!"</p>
+<p>"I'm not going to the Zoo."</p>
+<p>"Ah, well, sir, have some to take home to the children!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i109.png">
+<img src="images/i109.png" width="100%" alt="HYDE PARK, MAY 1"/></a>
+<h3>HYDE PARK, MAY 1</h3>
+<p><i>Country Cousin.</i> "What is the meaning of this, policeman?"</p>
+<p><i>Constable.</i> "Labour day, miss."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i110.png">
+<img src="images/i110.png" width="100%" alt="tie a knot in his tail"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Boy</i> (<i>to Cabby with somewhat shadowy horse</i>). "Look
+'ere, guv'nor, you'd better tie a knot in 'is tail afore 'e gets wet, or
+'e might slip through 'is collar!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i111.png">
+<img src="images/i111.png" width="100%" alt="Shocking bad horse"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Indignant Cabby.</i> "Shockin' bad 'orse, 'ave I? And wot's
+this hextra tuppence for?&mdash;to buy a new 'un with, eh?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Quiddities.</span></h2>
+
+<center><i>For the Old Ladies.</i></center>
+
+<p>A tea-party without scandal is like a
+knife without a handle.</p>
+
+<p>Words without deeds are like the husks without the seeds.</p>
+
+<p>Features without grace are like a clock without a face.</p>
+
+<p>A land without the laws is like a cat without her claws.</p>
+
+<p>Life without cheer is like a cellar without beer.</p>
+
+<p>A master without a cane is like a rider without the rein.</p>
+
+<p>Marriage without means is like a horse without his beans.</p>
+
+<p>A man without a wife is like a fork without a knife.</p>
+
+<p>A quarrel without fighting is like thunder without lightning.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Motto for a Self-made and Successful Money-lender.</span>&mdash;"A loan I did it!"</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Improper Expression.</span>&mdash;Let it never be said, that when a man jumps for
+joy, "his delight knows no <i>bounds</i>."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The</span> opposite to a tea-fight&mdash;A coffee-mill.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i112.png">
+<img src="images/i112.png" width="100%" alt="THE TIP-CAT SEASON"/></a>
+<h3>THE TIP-CAT SEASON HAS NOW COMMENCED</h3>
+<p><i>Street Urchin.</i> "Now then, old 'un&mdash;&mdash;Fore!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i113.png">
+<img src="images/i113.png" width="100%" alt="Crossing-Sweeper"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Crossing-Sweeper</i> (<i>to Brown, whose greatest pride is
+his new brougham, diminutive driver, &amp;c.</i>). "'Igh! Stop! You've lost
+somethin'&mdash;the coachman!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i114.png">
+<img src="images/i114.png" width="100%" alt="Irate Bus Driver"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Irate Bus Driver.</i> "You wouldn't do that for me, would
+yer?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 90%">
+<a href="images/i115.png">
+<img src="images/i115.png" width="100%" alt="AT THE STORES"/></a>
+<h3>AT THE STORES. BUY&mdash;OUR TAPESTRY ARTIST</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>CATTLE-SHOW WEEK</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By Dumb-Crambo, Junior</i>)</center>
+
+<table summary="cartoons">
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 65%">
+<a href="images/i116a.png">
+<img src="images/i116a.png" width="100%" alt="Scotch polled"/></a>
+<h3>Scotch polled</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i116d.png">
+<img src="images/i116d.png" width="100%" alt="Best wether"/></a>
+<h3>Best wether</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i116b.png">
+<img src="images/i116b.png" width="100%" alt="Class for roots"/></a>
+<h3>Class for roots</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i116e.png">
+<img src="images/i116e.png" width="100%" alt="Steers"/></a>
+<h3>Steers</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 65%">
+<a href="images/i116c.png">
+<img src="images/i116c.png" width="100%" alt="Best butter"/></a>
+<h3>Best butter</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 65%">
+<a href="images/i116f.png">
+<img src="images/i116f.png" width="100%" alt="Cross bred"/></a>
+<h3>Cross bred</h3>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Linen Trade.</span></h3>
+<p>There have been a few transactions in rags at
+threepence a pound, and an extensive bone-grubber caused considerable
+excitement by bringing a quantity of waste-paper into the market which
+turned the scale in his own favour.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Motto for a Mourning Warehouse.</span>&mdash;Die and let live.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Out of Place.</span>&mdash;A vegetarian at the Cattle Show.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Financial Authority Badly Wanted.</span>&mdash;The man who can say "bogus" to the
+investing goose.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Vegetable Market.</span></h3>
+<p>Asparagus is looking up, and radishes are taking
+a downward direction. Peas were almost nothing at the opening; and new
+potatoes were buoyant in the basket, but turned out rather heavy at the
+settling. A rush of bulls through the market had a dreadful effect upon
+apple-stalls and other minor securities; but all the established houses
+stood their ground, though the run occasioned a panic among some of the
+proprietors.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i117.png">
+<img src="images/i117.png" width="100%" alt="The Quarterly Accounts"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><span class="smcap">The Quarterly Accounts.</span>&mdash;<i>Clerk.</i> "Sorry to say, sir,
+there's a saddle we can't account for. Can't find out who it was sent
+to."</p>
+<p><i>Employer.</i> "Charge it on all the bills."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>A LOVE SONG OF THE MONEY-MARKET</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w32"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I will not ask thee to be mine,</p>
+<p class="i2">Because I love thee far too well;</p>
+<p class="i0">Ah! what I feel, who thus resign</p>
+<p class="i2">All hope in life, no words can tell.</p>
+<p class="i0">Only the dictate I obey</p>
+<p class="i2">Of deep affection's strong excess,</p>
+<p class="i0">When, dearest, in despair, I say</p>
+<p class="i2">Farewell to thee and happiness.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Thy face, so tranquil and serene,</p>
+<p class="i2">To see bedimmed I could not bear,</p>
+<p class="i0">Pinched with hard thrift's expression mean,</p>
+<p class="i2">Disfigured with the lines of care,</p>
+<p class="i0">I could not brook the day to see</p>
+<p class="i2">When thou would'st not, as thou hast now,</p>
+<p class="i0">Have all those things surrounding thee</p>
+<p class="i2">That light the eye and smooth the brow.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Thou wilt smile calmly at my fear</p>
+<p class="i2">That want would e'er approach our door;</p>
+<p class="i0">I know it must to thee appear</p>
+<p class="i2">A melancholy dream: no more.</p>
+<p class="i0">Wilt thou not be with riches blest?</p>
+<p class="i2">Is not my fortune ample too?</p>
+<p class="i0">Must I not, therefore, be possessed,</p>
+<p class="i2">To feel that dread, of devils blue?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Alas! my wealth, that should maintain,</p>
+<p class="i2">My bride in glory and in joy,</p>
+<p class="i0">Is built on a foundation vain,</p>
+<p class="i2">Which soon a tempest will destroy.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p>
+<p class="i0">Yes, yes, an interest high, I know</p>
+<p class="i2">My capital at present bears;</p>
+<p class="i0">But in a moment it may go:</p>
+<p class="i2">It is invested all in shares.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The company is doomed to fall,</p>
+<p class="i2">Spreading around disaster dire,</p>
+<p class="i0">I hear that the directors all</p>
+<p class="i2">Are rogues&mdash;the greatest rogue thy sire!</p>
+<p class="i0">Go&mdash;seek a happier, wiser mate,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who had the wit to be content</p>
+<p class="i0">With the returns of his estate,</p>
+<p class="i2">And with Consols at three per cent!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Feast of all Fools.</span>&mdash;More than is good for them.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The "Lap" of Luxury.</span>&mdash;Genuine milk in London.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Dish for Diddled Shareholders.</span>&mdash;Bubble and squeak.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Science Gossip.</span>&mdash;"A City Clerk and a Naturalist" asks whether there is
+not a bird called the <i>ditto ditto</i>. Is he not thinking of our old
+acquaintance, the do-do?</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">How to Make Money.</span>&mdash;Get a situation in the Mint.&mdash;<i>Economist.</i></center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Strange Coin.</span>&mdash;Forty <i>odd</i> pounds!</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i118.png">
+<img src="images/i118.png" width="100%" alt="The Momentous Question"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Momentous Question.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Paterfamilias (who is just
+beginning to feel himself at home in his delightfully new suburban
+residence) interrupts the wife of his bosom.</i> "'Seaside!' 'Change of
+air!!' 'Out of town!!!' What nonsense, Anna Maria! Why, good gracious
+me! what on earth can you want to be going '<i>out of town</i>' for, when
+you've got such a garden as <i>this</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i119.png">
+<img src="images/i119.png" width="100%" alt="SUGGESTIVE"/></a>
+<h3>SUGGESTIVE</h3>
+<p><i>Dissipated Ballad Howler.</i> "Sweet spirit, 'ear my prayer!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Corrector of the Press.</span>&mdash;A policeman at a crowded crossing.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Never on its Legs.</span>&mdash;The most constant faller in the metropolis: the
+Strand, because it is always being picked up.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Markets.</span>&mdash;There was a good deal of liveliness in hops, and a party
+of strangers, who seemed to act together, took off the contents of all
+the <i>pockets</i> they could lay hold of. There was little doing in corn,
+and what barley came in was converted into barley-water for a large
+consumer. Peas were distributed freely in small samples through the
+market, by means of tin tubes; and as usual there was a good deal of
+roguery in grain, which it was found necessary to guard against.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Fortnightly Review.</span>&mdash;The account day on the Stock Exchange.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Regular Make-shift.</span>&mdash;The sewing machine.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">City Intelligence.</span>&mdash;We read, in a great aldermanic authority, that "a
+dinner is on the <i>tapis</i>." The <i>tapis</i> alluded to is, of course,
+Gob'lin?</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i120.png">
+<img src="images/i120.png" width="100%" alt="RESULT OF CARELESS BILL-POSTING"/></a>
+<h3>THE RESULT OF CARELESS BILL-POSTING</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i121.png">
+<img src="images/i121.png" width="100%" alt="SKETCH NEAR PICCADILLY"/></a>
+<h3>A SKETCH NEAR PICCADILLY</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i122.png">
+<img src="images/i122.png" width="100%" alt="flower seller"/></a>
+<h3>MADAME CHRYSANTHÈME</h3>
+<center>(<i>With apologies to "Pierre Loti."</i>)</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Satisfactory Explanation.</span></h3>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Griddleton.</i> What are those square
+things, coachman, you put over the poor horse's eyes?</p>
+
+<p><i>Driver.</i> Blinkers, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. G.</i> Why do you put them on, coachman?</p>
+
+<p><i>Driver.</i> To prevent the 'orse from blinking, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p class="author">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Inquiry closed.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Inscription for Street Letter-boxes.</span>&mdash;"From Pillar to Post."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<h3>HOW THE TRUTH LEAKS OUT!</h3>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Hyde Park. Time: Five o'clock.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Friend.</i> Any news? Anything in the papers?</p>
+
+<p><i>Government Clerk.</i> Can't say. Haven't been to the office to-day, my
+boy.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Why</span> should a chimney-sweeper be a good whist player? Because he's always
+following soot.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Business.</span>&mdash;<i>Inquirer</i> (<i>drawing up prospectus</i>). Shall I write "Company"
+with a big C?</p>
+
+<p><i>Honest Broker.</i> Certainly, if it's a sound one, as it represents
+"Company" with a capital.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i123.png">
+<img src="images/i123.png" width="100%" alt="Shave, or hair cut"/></a>
+<br />
+<p>"Shave, or hair cut, sir?"</p>
+<p>"<i>Corns</i>, you fool!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i124.png">
+<img src="images/i124.png" width="100%" alt="NOT FOR JOSEPH"/></a>
+<h3>NOT FOR JOSEPH!</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i125.png">
+<img src="images/i125.png" width="100%" alt="PROOF POSITIVE"/></a>
+<h3>PROOF POSITIVE</h3>
+<p><i>Old Lady.</i> "Do they sell good 'sperrits' at this 'ouse, mister?"</p>
+<p>'<i>Spectable-looking Man</i> (<i>But</i>&mdash;). "Mos' d'schid'ly, look't (hic) me,
+mad'm&mdash;for shev'n p'nsh a'penny!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Sinking Fund.</span>&mdash;The Royal Humane Society's income.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Shrewd Suggestion.</span>&mdash;It often happens, when the husband fails to be home
+to dinner, that it is one of his <i>fast</i> days.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The School of Adversity.</span>&mdash;A ragged school.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Never Waste your Time.</span>&mdash;Waste somebody else's.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Men of <i>the</i> Time.</span>&mdash;Chronometer makers.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Man in Advance of his Time.</span>&mdash;One who has been knocked into the middle
+of next week.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Deaf Man's Paradise.</span>&mdash;The Audit Office.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Site for a Ragged School.</span>&mdash;Tattersall's.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Stuff and Nonsense.</span>&mdash;A City Banquet, and the speeches after it.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i126.png">
+<img src="images/i126.png" width="100%" alt="ZOOLOGY"/></a>
+<h3>ZOOLOGY</h3>
+<p>"That's a porkypine, Sarah."</p>
+<p>"No, it ain't, Bill. It's a orstridge!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Fish Market.</span></h3>
+<p>Flounders were of course flat, but to the surprise of
+everyone they showed an inclination to come round towards the afternoon,
+and there were one or two transactions in whelks, but they were all of a
+comparatively insignificant character. Lobsters' claws were lazy at the
+opening, but closed heavily; and those who had a hand in them would
+gladly have been released if such a course had been possible.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">The Best Policy.</span>"&mdash;That with the largest bonus.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">False Quantity.</span>&mdash;Short measure.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i127.png">
+<img src="images/i127.png" width="100%" alt="AN UNUSUAL FLOW OF SPIRITS"/></a>
+<h3>AN UNUSUAL FLOW OF SPIRITS</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Consolation Stakes.</span>&mdash;Those you get at a City tavern the day after you
+have tried to eat the article at home.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i128.png">
+<img src="images/i128.png" width="100%" alt="A Horrible Business"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Horrible Business.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Master Butcher.</i> "Did you take old
+Major Dumbledore's ribs to No. 12?" <i>Boy.</i> "Yes, sir." <i>Master Butcher.</i>
+"Then, cut Miss Wiggles's shoulder and neck, and hang Mr. Foodle's legs
+until they're quite tender!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i129.png">
+<img src="images/i129.png" width="100%" alt="Girl talking  to newsvendor"/></a>
+<br />
+<p><i>Little Girl</i> (<i>to Newsvendor, from whom she has just
+purchased the latest war special</i>). "'Ere's your <i>paper</i>! Father says,
+if you don't mind 'e 'd rather 'ave the bill, 'cos there's more news in
+it."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i130.png">
+<img src="images/i130.png" width="100%" alt="Old Lady from the country"/></a>
+<br />
+<p><i>Old Lady</i> (<i>from the country</i>). "Well, I never! And to
+think burglary should have become a regular respectable trade!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Speculator's Apology.</span>&mdash;You can't make the pot boil without bubbles.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Table-Turning.</span>&mdash;Looking for a train in <i>Bradshaw</i>.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i131.png">
+<img src="images/i131.png" width="100%" alt="coat of arms"/></a>
+<h3>ARMS FOR THE PROPOSED NEW WEST-END STOCK EXCHANGE</h3>
+<center>(<i>To be placed over the principal entrance.</i>)</center>
+<p>On a chevron <i>vert</i>, a pigeon plucked <i>proper</i>, between three rooks
+peckant, clawed and beaked <i>gules</i>. Crest: a head Semitic grimnant,
+winkant, above two pipes laid saltier-wise, <i>argent</i>, environed with a
+halo of bubbles <i>or</i>. Supporters: a bull and bear rampant <i>sable</i>,
+dented, hoofed and clawed <i>gules</i>. Motto: "Let us prey."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i132.png">
+<img src="images/i132.png" width="100%" alt="A Sensitive Plant"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Sensitive Plant.</span></h3>
+<p>"What, back in town already, old chappie?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, old chappie. Couldn't stand the country any longer. Cuckoo gave me
+the headache!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>COMMERCIAL NEWS</h2>
+
+<p>Policeman O, No. I, has got such an accumulation of corn in bond, under
+a tight boot, that it is expected he will be allowed the benefit of
+nominal or fixed duty. He is one of the most extensive growers of corn
+in the kingdom, and always has on foot a prodigious quantity, which,
+when he is in competition with those who try to take advantage of his
+position, must naturally prevent him from striking the average.</p>
+
+<p>Onions were dull at fourpence a rope, and wild ducks were heavy, with
+sand inside, at three and sixpence a couple.</p>
+
+<p>A considerable deal of business was done in flat-irons on New Year's
+Day, and there was a trifling advance upon them everywhere.</p>
+
+<p>The dividends on pawnbrokers' stock were payable last week, but the
+defaulters were very numerous. A highly respectable party in the City,
+in order to provide for interest coming due, is understood to have
+funded the greater part of his summer wardrobe.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Long fours, in the candle-market, were dull, but the ten and a half
+reduced rushlights brightened up towards the close of the day
+surprisingly.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Persons who would Benefit by Cremation.</span>&mdash;Charwomen.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Forced Politeness.</span>&mdash;Bowing to circumstances.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Name of Ill Omen.</span>&mdash;Persons who are subject to fits of toothache, and
+do not wish to be reminded of their distressing malady, should avoid
+going down Long Acre.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Pawnbrokers' "Duplicates."</span>&mdash;Their twins.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Hagiology on 'Change.</span>&mdash;<i>The Brokers' Patron</i>&mdash;St. Simon Stock.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Motto for a Tailor who makes Coats of the best Enduring Cloth.</span>&mdash;<i>Fuimus,
+i.e., We Wear.</i></center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Licensing System.</span>&mdash;The big brewer is a vulture, and the unpaid
+magistrate instrumental to his rapacity is that vulture's beak.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Best Note Paper.</span>&mdash;Bank of England.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i133.png">
+<img src="images/i133.png" width="100%" alt="CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR"/></a>
+<h3>CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR</h3>
+<p><i>Cabby</i> (<i>to Gent who has been dining out</i>). "'Ere y'are, sir. This is
+your 'ouse&mdash;get out&mdash;be careful, sir&mdash;'ere's the step?"</p>
+<p><i>Gent.</i> "Yesh. Thash allri, but wersh my <i>feet?</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i134.png">
+<img src="images/i134.png" width="100%" alt="You are very late"/></a>
+<br />
+<p><i>Employer</i> (<i>who simply</i> <span class="smcap">WON'T</span> <i>take any excuse for
+unpunctuality</i>). "You are very late, Mr. Jones. Go back at once, and
+come at the proper time!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i135.png">
+<img src="images/i135.png" width="100%" alt="Hairdresser to Customer"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Hairdresser.</i> "Hair begins to get very thin, sir."</p>
+<p><i>Customer.</i> "Yes."</p>
+<p><i>Hairdresser.</i> "Have you tried our tonic lotion?"</p>
+<p><i>Customer.</i> "Yes. That didn't do it though."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i136.png">
+<img src="images/i136.png" width="100%" alt="Men talking"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p>"I 'ear that Tholomon Arons 'as 'ad 'is shop burnt out!"</p>
+<p>"Well, 'e 'th a very good feller, Aronth ith. 'E detherves it!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i137.png">
+<img src="images/i137.png" width="100%" alt="HOW THE POOR LIVE"/></a>
+<h3>HOW THE POOR LIVE</h3>
+<p>The Rev. Mr. Smirk has brought an American millionaire friend to see for
+himself the distressed state of the poor of his parish.</p>
+<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>He'll give them a little notice next time.</i></span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i138.png">
+<img src="images/i138.png" width="100%" alt="Workmen talking"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>First Workman.</i> "Wot's it say, Bill, on that old
+sun-dial?"</p>
+<p><i>Second Workman</i> (<i>reading deliberately</i>). "It says,
+'Do&mdash;to&mdash;day's-work&mdash;to&mdash;day.'"</p>
+<p><i>First W.</i> "'<i>Do <span class="smcap">TWO</span> days' work
+to-day!</i>' Wot O! Not me!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i139.png">
+<img src="images/i139.png" width="100%" alt="Social Evolution"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Social Evolution.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Tramp</i> (<i>to benevolent but inquisitive lady</i>).&mdash;"Well, you see, mum, it were like this. I were a
+'addick smoker by profession; then I got ill, and 'ad to go to the
+'orspital; then I sold cats meat; but some'ow or other I got into <i>low
+water</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i140.png">
+<img src="images/i140.png" width="100%" alt="I hope you had better weather"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Miss Smith.</i> "We've just come from Tannhauser, doctor."</p>
+<p><i>The Doctor</i> (<i>very deaf</i>). "Indeed! I hope you had better weather than
+we've been having!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i141.png">
+<img src="images/i141.png" width="100%" alt="Familiar Phrase Explained"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Familiar Phrase Explained.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Robinson.</i> "Well, old chap, how did you sleep last night?"</p>
+<p><i>Smith</i> (<i>who had dined out</i>). "'Like a top.' As soon as my head touched
+the pillow, it went round and round!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i142.png">
+<img src="images/i142.png" width="100%" alt="Cab Tout"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Cab Tout.</i> "I say, Bill, lend me sixpence."</p>
+<p><i>Cabby.</i> "I can't; but I can lend you fourpence."</p>
+<p><i>Cab Tout.</i> "All right. Then you'l owe me twopence."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i143.png">
+<img src="images/i143.png" width="100%" alt="thin on the top"/></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Barber.</i> "Your 'air's getting very thin on the top, sir.
+I should recommend our wash."</p>
+<p><i>Customer.</i> "May I ask if that invigorating liquid is what <i>you</i> have
+been in the habit of using?"</p>
+<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Dead silence.</i></span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i144.png">
+<img src="images/i144.png" width="100%" alt="Foggy Weather"/></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Foggy Weather.</span></h3>
+<p>"Has Mr. Smith been here?"</p>
+<p>"Yes; he was here about an hour ago."</p>
+<p>"Was I with him?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Highly Probable.</span>&mdash;We understand that in consequence of the high price of
+meat, the Beef-eaters at the Tower have all turned vegetarians.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">What Millionaires Smoke.</span>&mdash;Golden returns.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Universal Watchword.</span>&mdash;Tick!</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i145.png">
+<img src="images/i145.png" width="100%" alt="Reclining Mr. Punch"/></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<center>BRADBURY, AGNEW, &amp; CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.</center>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Life in London, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON ***
+
+***** This file should be named 39707-h.htm or 39707-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Life in London, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch's Life in London
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Release Date: May 15, 2012 [EBook #39707]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON
+
+PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
+
+Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
+cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
+draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch", from its
+beginning in 1841 to the present day.
+
+MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Fussy Old Lady._ "Now, _don't_ forget, conductor, I
+_want the Bank of England_."
+
+_Conductor._ "_All_ right, mum." (_Aside._) "She _don't_ want _much_, do
+she, mate?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+AS PICTURED BY
+
+  PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, L. RAVEN-HILL,
+  J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, E. T. REED, G. D. ARMOUR, F. H. TOWNSEND,
+  FRED PEGRAM, C. E. BROCK, TOM BROWNE, A. S. BOYD, A. WALLIS MILLS,
+  STARR WOOD, DUDLEY HARDY, AND MANY OTHER HUMORISTS.
+
+_IN 180 ILLUSTRATIONS_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
+
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages, fully illustrated_
+
+  LIFE IN LONDON
+  COUNTRY LIFE
+  IN THE HIGHLANDS
+  SCOTTISH HUMOUR
+  IRISH HUMOUR
+  COCKNEY HUMOUR
+  IN SOCIETY
+  AFTER DINNER STORIES
+  IN BOHEMIA
+  AT THE PLAY
+  MR. PUNCH AT HOME
+  ON THE CONTINONG
+  RAILWAY BOOK
+  AT THE SEASIDE
+  MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
+  IN THE HUNTING FIELD
+  MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+  WITH ROD AND GUN
+  MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
+  BOOK OF SPORTS
+  GOLF STORIES
+  IN WIG AND GOWN
+  ON THE WARPATH
+  BOOK OF LOVE
+  WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHAKESPEARE ON THE STREETS
+
+(_See "King Henry the Fourth," Act III., Sc. 1._)
+
+_Glendower_ (_to Hotspur_). Cousin of many men, I do not bear these
+crossings.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SKETCH IN REGENT STREET.--Puzzle--On which side are the
+shop windows?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROUND THE TOWN
+
+In the sixty-six years of his existence MR. PUNCH has at one time or
+another touched upon every phase of life in London. He has moved in high
+society; he has visited the slums; he has been to the churches, the
+theatres, the concert rooms; he has travelled on the railways, in the
+'buses and the cabs; he has amused himself on 'Change; he has gone
+shopping; he has lounged in the clubs, been a shrewd watcher and
+listener at the Law Courts, dined in the hotels and restaurants, sat in
+Parliament, made merry in the servants' hall, loitered along the
+pavements with a quick eye and ear for the wit and humour of the
+streets, and dropped in casually, a genial and observant visitor, at the
+homes and haunts of all sorts and conditions of men and women.
+
+Obviously it is impossible that the fruits of all this adventuring could
+be gathered into a single volume; some of them are garnered already in
+other volumes of this series, in books that deal particularly with MR.
+PUNCH'S representations of what he has seen and heard of Society, of the
+Cockney, of the Lawyers, of our Domestics, of Clubmen and Diners-out, of
+the Theatres; therefore, in the present volume, we have limited him in
+the main to his recollections of the actual civic life in London, to his
+diversions on the Stock Exchange and in the Money Market generally, his
+pictured and written quips and jests about London's businesses and
+business men, with glimpses of what he knows of the variously dazzling
+and more or less strenuous life that everywhere environs these.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SUBJECT FOR A DECORATIVE PANEL.--Road "up." Time--in the
+height of the season. Place--everywhere.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON
+
+THE CITY "ARTICLE."--Money.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM THE STREETS.--A street conjuror complained the other day that he
+couldn't throw the knives and balls about, because he did not feel in
+the vein.
+
+"In what vein?" asked a bystander, weakly.
+
+"The juggler vein, of course, stupid!" was the answer.
+
+    [_The bystander retired._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LIGHT EMPLOYMENT.--Cleaning windows.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"_The Model Ready Reckoner._"--The man with his last shilling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MONEY-MARKET AND CITY INTELLIGENCE.--Operators for the rise--aeronauts;
+likewise anglers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JUST OFF--THE BOURSE.--_Stockbroker_ (_to Client who has been pretty
+well loaded with certain scrip_). Well, it just comes to this. Are you
+prepared to go the whole hog or none?
+
+_Client_ (_timidly_). I think I'd rather go the none.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT COLOUR SHOULD PARASITES DRESS IN?--Fawn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOUSEHOLD HINTS FOR ECONOMICAL MANAGERS
+
+_How to Obtain a good Serviceable Light Porter._--Take a pint of stout,
+and add a quart of spring water. There you have him.
+
+_How to make Hats last._--Make everything else first.
+
+_How to Prevent Ale from Spoiling._--Drink it.
+
+_How to Avoid being Considered above your Business._--Never live over
+your shop.
+
+_How to make your Servants rise._--Send them up to sleep in the attics.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bus Driver_ (_to charioteer of broken-down motor-car_).
+"I've been tellin' yer all the week to taike it 'ome, an' now yer wants
+to, yer cawn't!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STREETS OF LONDON
+
+  The stately streets of London
+    Are always "up" in Spring,
+  To ordinary minds an ex-
+    traordinary thing.
+  Then cabs across strange ridges bound,
+    Or sink in holes, abused
+  With words resembling not, in sound,
+    Those Mrs. Hemans used.
+
+  The miry streets of London,
+    Dotted with lamps by night;
+  What pitfalls where the dazzled eye
+    Sees doubly ruddy light!
+  For in the season, just in May,
+    When many meetings meet,
+  The jocund vestry starts away,
+    And closes all the street.
+
+  The shut-up streets of London!
+    How willingly one jumps
+  From where one's cab must stop through pools
+    Of mud, in dancing pumps!
+  When thus one skips on miry ways
+    One's pride is much decreased,
+  Like Mrs. Gilpin's, for one's "chaise"
+    Is "three doors off" at least.
+
+  The free, fair streets of London
+    Long, long, in vestry hall,
+  May heads of native thickness rise,
+    When April showers fall;
+  And green for ever be the men
+    Who spend the rates in May,
+  By stopping all the traffic then
+    In such a jocose way!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Straphanger_ (_in first-class compartment, to
+first-class passenger_). "I say, guv'nor, 'ang on to this 'ere strap a
+minute, will yer, while I get a light?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GAS-FITTER'S PARADISE.--Berners Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CIVIC WIT.--A City friend of ours, who takes considerable interest in
+the fattening of his fowls, alleges, as a reason, that he is an advocate
+for widening the Poultry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO AUCTIONEERS.--The regulations regarding sales are not to be found in
+any _bye_ laws.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POETRY AND FINANCE.--Among all the quotations in all the money market
+and City articles who ever met with a line of verse?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANYTHING BUT AN ALDERMAN'S MOTTO.--"Dinner forget."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GENTLEMAN who lives by his wits.--_Mr. Punch._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEFINITION.--The Mansion House--A mayor's nest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN A TRAM-CAR
+
+_Lady_ (_with smelly basket of fish_). "Dessay you'd rather 'ave a
+gentleman settin' a-side of you?"
+
+_Gilded Youth_ (_who has been edging away_). "Yes, I would."
+
+_Lady._ "Same'ere!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Inquisitive Guardian._ "By the way, have you any
+children?" _Applicant for Relief._ "No." _Guardian._ "But--er--surely I
+know a son of yours?" _Applicant._ "Well, I don't suppose you'd call a
+_child_ children!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Please, sir, tuppence worth of butter scrapin's, an'
+mother says be sure they're all _clean_, 'cause she's expectin'
+company."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNCONSCIONABLE
+
+_Head of the Firm._ "Want a holiday!? Why, you've just been at home ill
+for a month!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FORCE OF HABIT
+
+_Traveller_ (_suffering from the Heat of Weather, &c._). "Wesh
+Bromp'n--shingl'--cold 'th bit o' lemon--loo' sharp--'r else shan't kesh
+my train!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EXILED LONDONER
+
+  I roam beneath a foreign sky,
+      That sky is cloudless, warm and clear;
+  And everything is glad but I;--
+      But ah! my heart is far from here.
+
+  They bid me look on forests green,
+      And boundless prairies stretching far;
+  But I rejoice not in their sheen,
+      And longing turn to Temple Bar.
+
+  They bid me list the torrent's roar,
+      In all its foaming, bounding pride;
+  But I, I only think the more
+      On living torrents in Cheapside!
+
+  They bid me mark the mighty stream,
+      Which Mississippi rolls to sea;
+  But then I sink in pensive dream,
+      And turn my thoughts, dear Thames, to thee!
+
+  They bid me note the mountains high,
+      Whose snow-capp'd peaks my prospect end;
+  I only heave a secret sigh--
+      To Ludgate Hill my wishes tend.
+
+  They taunt me with our denser air,
+      And fogs so thick you scarce can see;
+  Then, yellow fog, I will declare,
+      Though strange to say, I long for thee.
+
+  And everything in this bright clime
+      But serves to turn my thoughts to thee!
+  Thou, London, of an earlier time,
+      Oh! when shall I return to thee?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Customer._ "That dog I bought last week has turned out
+very savage. He's already bitten a little girl and a policeman, and----"
+
+_Dealer._ "Lor'! how 'e's changed, mum! He wasn't at all particular what
+he ate 'ere!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PANIC IN THE CITY
+
+TIME--3.30 P.M.
+
+_Excited Stockbroker._--By Jove! it's serious now.
+
+_Other dittos._ Hey? what?
+
+_Excited Stockbroker._ Rothschild's "gone"--
+
+_Clients_ (_new to City, thunderstruck_). _Gone!_ Rothschild!!--but--
+
+_Excited Stockbroker._ Yes. _Gone to Paris._
+
+_Exit._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT TO EXPECT AT AN HOTEL.--Inn-attention.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A QUESTION FOR LLOYD'S.--Are sub-editors underwriters?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INCIDENTS OF TAXATION.--Collectors and summonses.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT A CITY COMPANY DOES.--It may not be generally known that the duty
+of the Spectacle-makers is to get up the Lord Mayor's Show. Glasses
+round, and then they proceed to business.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPOSSIBLE PHRASE.--The happy rich, the happy poor, both quite possible.
+But, "the happy mean"--oh no--impossible.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG FOR THE TOWN-TIED SPORTSMAN.--"How happy could I be with
+_heather_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PROGRESS.--(_Overheard in Kensington._ Time, 9 A.M.).--_Fair
+Club Member_ (_lately married, to friend_). "Bye, bye!
+Can't stop! Must rush off, or I shall be _scratched for the billiard
+handicap_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Policeman_ (_to slightly sober individual, who is
+wobbling about in the road amongst the traffic_). "Come, old man, walk
+on the pavement."
+
+_Slightly Sober Individual._ "_Pavement!_ Who do you take me for?
+_Blondin?_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SKETCHED IN OXFORD STREET]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INSCRIPTION TO BE PLACED OVER THE STOCK EXCHANGE.--"_Bear_ and
+for-_bear_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRICE OF BREAD.--Twists have taken a turn; and cottages have come
+down in some places, owing to the falls of bricks, which continue to
+give way rapidly. A baker near one of the bridges has not had a roll
+over, which is to be accounted for by his having come down in regular
+steps to a level with the lower class of consumers. Plaster of Paris is
+in some demand, and there have been some mysterious transactions in
+sawdust by the baker who liberally deals with the workhouse.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SYMPHONY IN BLACK. The vassal who does soot and service.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OFFICIAL ORDER.--All cabmen plying within hail are to be supplied with
+umbrellas by Government.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HE DIDN'T MEAN TO LOSE THAT
+
+"Miffins, the book-keeper, tells me that you have lost the key of the
+safe, and he cannot get at the books."
+
+"Yes, sir, one of them. You gave me two, you remember."
+
+"Yes; I had duplicates made in case of accident. And the other?"
+
+"Oh, sir, I took care of that. I was afraid I might lose one of them,
+you know."
+
+"And is the other all right?"
+
+"Yes, sir. I put it where there was no danger of it being lost. It is in
+the safe, sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN A NOVEMBER FOG
+
+_Frenchman_ (_just arrived on his first visit to London_). "Ha, ha! my
+frien', now I understan' vot you mean ven you say ze sun nevaire set in
+your dominion, ma foi! _It does not rise!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND"
+
+_Thirsty Soul_ (_after several gyrations round the letter-box_). "I
+sh'like t'know wha'-sh-'e good 'f gen'lem'n-sh turn'n tea-tot'ller 'f
+gov'm'nt (_hic_) goes-h an' cut-sh th' shpouts-h o' th' _bumpsh_ off!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LONDONER'S DIARY
+
+(_For August_)
+
+_Monday._--Got up at nine o'clock. Lounged to the park. No one there.
+Went to bed at twelve.
+
+_Tuesday._--Got up at ten o'clock. Walked to the House of Commons.
+Closed. Went to bed at eleven.
+
+_Wednesday._--Got up at eleven o'clock. Looked in at Prince's. Deserted.
+Went to bed at ten.
+
+_Thursday._--Got up at twelve o'clock. Strolled to the club. Shut up for
+repairs. Went to bed at nine.
+
+_Friday._--Got up at one o'clock. Stayed at home. Dull. Went to bed at
+eight.
+
+_Saturday._--Got up at five a.m. Went out of town at six.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE REVERSE OF THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL.--A school in which very few
+members of society are brought up--a charity school.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PAST RECLAIMING
+
+_Brixton Barber._ "Revival seems to be in the hair, sir."
+
+_Customer._ "Not in _mine_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOG
+
+  Thou comest in familiar guise,
+      When in the morning I awake,
+  You irritate my throat and eyes,
+      I vow that life's a sad mistake.
+  You come to hang about my hair,
+      My much-enduring lungs to clog,
+  I feel you with me everywhere,
+      Our own peculiar London fog.
+  You clothe the City in such gloom,
+      We scarce can see across the street,
+  You seem to penetrate each room,
+      And mix with everything I eat.
+  I hardly dare to stir about,
+      But sit supine as any log;
+  You make it torture to go out,
+      Our own peculiar London fog.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE END OF TABLE-TURNING.--An inmate of a lunatic asylum, driven mad by
+spiritualism, wishes to try to turn the multiplication table.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR."--What o'clock is it?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERPETUAL MOTION DISCOVERED.--The _winding_ up of public companies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLIES IN AMBER.--Yellow cabs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _'Bus Driver_ (_to Cabby, who is trying to lash his horse
+into something like a trot_). "Wot's the matter with 'im, Willum? 'E
+don't seem 'isself this mornin'. I believe you've bin an' changed 'is
+milk!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SKETCH FROM LIFE
+
+_Chorus_ (_slow music_). "We're a rare old--fair old--rickety, rackety
+crew!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE--_In a 'Bus._
+
+TIME--_During the Hot Spell._
+
+_First City Man._ "D----d hot, isn't---- I--I beg your pardon, madam,
+I--I quite forgot there was a lady pres----"
+
+_Stout Party._ "Don't apologise. It's much worse than that!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CAPITALISTS
+
+(_A Story of Yesterday for To-morrow and To-day_)
+
+"What, Brown, my boy, is that you?" said Smith, heartily.
+
+"The same, and delighted to see you," was the reply.
+
+"Have you heard the news, my dear fellow?" asked Smith.
+
+"You mean about the position of the Bank of England? Why, certainly; all
+the City is talking about it."
+
+"Ah, it is absolutely grand! Never was the Old Lady of Threadneedle
+Street in such a strong position. Marvellous! my dear friend; absolutely
+marvellous!"
+
+"Quite so. Never were we--as a people--so rich!"
+
+"Yes, prosperity seems to be coming back by leaps and bounds."
+
+"You never said anything so true," observed Smith.
+
+"Right you are," cried Brown.
+
+And then the two friends shook hands once more with increased
+cordiality, and passed on. They walked in different directions a few
+steps, and both stopped. They turned round.
+
+"Smith," said Brown, "I have to ask you a trifling favour."
+
+"Brown, it is granted before I know its purport."
+
+"Well, the truth is, I am penniless--lend me half-a-crown."
+
+Smith paused for a moment.
+
+"You surely do not wish to refuse me?" asked Brown in a tone of pained
+surprise.
+
+"I do not, Smith," replied his friend, with fervour. "Indeed, I do not!"
+
+"Then produce the two-and-sixpence."
+
+"I would, my dear fellow, if in the wide world I could raise it!"
+
+And then the ancient comrades shook hands once again, and parted in
+sorrow, but not in anger. They felt that after all they were only in the
+fashion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NEGLECTED INDUSTRY
+
+"'Ow are yer gettin' on, Bill?"
+
+"Ain't gettin' on at all. I'm beginnin' to think as the publick doesn't
+know what they wants!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOO COMMON A THING.--A member of a limited liability company in a bad
+way, said he should turn itinerant preacher. He was asked why? He said
+he had had a call.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Country Cousin._ "Do you stop at the Cecil?"
+
+_'Bus Driver._ "_Do_ I stop at the Cecil!--_on twenty-eight bob a
+week_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FRIGHTFUL LEVITY.--_Bus-Driver._ "Hullo, gov'nour; got
+any room?" _Policeman, Driving Van_ (_with great want of self-respect_).
+"Just room for one; saved a place a purpose for you, sir." _Bus-Driver._
+"What's yer fare?" _Policeman._ "Bread and water; same as you had
+afore!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A MISUNDERSTANDING.--_Old Gent._ (_evidently from the
+Shires_). "Hi! hoy! stop!" _Conductor._ "'Old 'ard Bill!" (_To Old
+Gent._) "Where are yer for, sir?" _Old Gent._ (_panting in pursuit_).
+"Here!--let's have a--box o' them--_safety matches_!"
+
+    [_Objurgations!_
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE SPECULATIVE BUILDER
+
+  He's the readiest customer living,
+    While you're lending, or spending or giving;
+  But when you'd make profit, or get back your own,
+    He's the awkwardest customer ever you've known.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAVOURITE SONG ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE.--"_Oh! what a difference in the
+morning!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE REAL "BITTER" CRY OF LONDON.--The demand for Bass and Allsopp.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CABBY calls the new auto-cars his motormentors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THOROUGH!--_Hairdresser_ (_to perspiring Customer during
+the late hot weather_). "'Hair cut, sir?"
+
+_Stout Party_ (_falling into the chair, exhausted_). "Ye----"
+
+_Hairdresser._ "Much off, sir?"
+
+_Stout Party._ "(_Phew!_) Cut it to the bone!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DIVERTING THE TRAFFIC!]
+
+THE THING TO THROW LIGHT ON SPIRITUALISTIC SEANCES.--A spirit-lamp.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RULING PASSION.--A great financial reformer is so devoted to figures
+that when he has nothing else to do he casts up his eyes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BUBBLE CONCERNS.--Aerated water companies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW LONDON STREET DIRECTORY
+
+_Adam Street._--Antediluvian anecdotes and traditions still linger here.
+
+_Air Street._--Doctors send their patients to this locality for change.
+
+_Aldermanbury._--Visited by numbers of bereaved relatives.
+
+_Amwell Street._--Always healthy.
+
+_Barking Alley._--To be avoided in the dog days.
+
+_Boy Court._--Not far from Child's Place.
+
+_Camomile Street._--See Wormwood Street.
+
+_Coldbath Square._--Very bracing.
+
+_Distaff Lane._--Full of spinsters.
+
+_Farm Street._--Highly sensitive to the fluctuations of the corn market.
+
+_Fashion Street._--Magnificent sight in the height of the season.
+
+_First Street._--Of immense antiquity.
+
+_Friday Street._--Great jealousy felt by all the other days of the
+week.
+
+_Garlick Hill._--Make a little _detour_.
+
+_Glasshouse Street._--Heavily insured against hailstorms.
+
+_Godliman Street._--Irreproachable.
+
+_Great Smith Street._--Which of the Smiths is this?
+
+_Grundy Street._--Named after that famous historic character--Mrs.
+Grundy.
+
+_Hercules Buildings._--Rich in traditions and stories of the "Labours"
+of the Founder.
+
+_Homer Street._--Literally classic ground. The house pointed out in
+connection with "the blind old bard" has long since disappeared.
+
+_Idol Lane._--Where are the Missionaries?
+
+_Ivy Lane._--This, and Lillypot Lane, and Woodpecker Lane, and
+Wheatsheaf Yard, and White Thorn Street, all sweetly rural. It is
+difficult to make a selection.
+
+_Lamb's Conduit Street._--Touching description (by the oldest
+inhabitant) of the young lambs coming to drink at the conduit.
+
+_Liquorpond Street._--See Philpot Lane.
+
+_Love Lane._--What sort of love? The "love of the turtle?"
+
+  _Lupus Street._ }
+                  } Both dangerous.
+  _Maddox Street._}
+
+_Milk Street._--Notice the number of pumps.
+
+_Mincing Lane._--Mincing is now mostly done elsewhere, by machinery.
+
+_Orchard Street._--The last apple was gathered here about the time that
+the last coursing match took place in Hare Court.
+
+_Paper Buildings._--Wonderfully substantial! Brief paper extensively
+used in these buildings.
+
+  _Paradise Street._ }
+                     } Difficult to choose between the two.
+  _Peerless Street._ }
+
+  _Poultry._      }
+                  } Crowded at Christmas.
+  _Pudding Lane._ }
+
+_Quality Court._--Most aristocratic.
+
+_Riches Court._--Not a house to be had for love or money.
+
+_Shepherdess Walk._--Ought to be near Shepherds' Bush.
+
+_Trump Street._--Noted for whist.
+
+_Type Street._--Leaves a most favourable impression.
+
+_World's End Passage._--Finis.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A QUALIFIED GUIDE.--_Befogged Pedestrian._ "Could you
+direct me to the river, please?" _Hatless and Dripping Stranger._
+"Straight ahead. I've just come from it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FASHIONABLE AND SEASONABLE.
+
+Where to sup _al fresco_ in the hottest weather. The "_Whelkome_ Club"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE ROUND OF THE RESTAURANTS."--Beef.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SACRIFICE.--_Good Templar._ "Tut--t--t--really, Swizzle,
+it's disgraceful to see a man in your position in this state, after the
+expense we've incurred and the exertions we've used to put down the
+liquor traffic!" _Swizzle._ "Y' may preash as mush as y' like,
+gen'l'm'n, bur I can tell y' I've made more persh'nal efforsh to (_hic_)
+purrown liquor than any of ye!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LONDON FOG
+
+  A fog in London daytime like the night is,
+      Our fellow-creatures seem like wandering ghosts,
+  The dull mephitic cloud will bring bronchitis;
+      You cannon into cabs or fall o'er posts.
+  The air is full of pestilential vapours,
+      Innumerable "blacks" come with the smoke;
+  The thief and rough cut unmolested capers,
+      In truth a London fog's no sort of joke.
+
+  You rise by candle-light or gaslight, swearing
+      There never was a climate made like ours;
+  If rashly you go out to take an airing,
+      The soot-flakes come in black plutonian show'rs.
+  Your carriage wildly runs into another,
+      No matter though you go at walking pace;
+  You meet your dearest friend, or else your brother
+      And never know him, although face to face.
+
+  The hours run on, and night and day commingle,
+      Unutterable filth is in the air;
+  You're much depressed, e'en in the fire-side ingle,
+      The hag dyspepsia seems everywhere.
+  Your wild disgust in vain you try to bridle,
+      Mad as March hare or hydrophobic dog,
+  You feel, in fact, intensely suicidal:
+       Such things befall us in a London fog!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MOST LOYAL OF CUP-BEARERS.--A blind man's dog.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOT QUITE WHAT HE MEANT.
+
+_Joan_ (_on her annual Spring visit to London_). "There, John, I think
+that would suit me."
+
+_Darby_ (_grumblingly_). "_That_, Maria? Why, a pretty figure it would
+come to!"
+
+_Joan._ "Ah, John dear, you're always so complimentary! I'll go and ask
+the price."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STARTING A SYNDICATE
+
+A Serio-Comic Interlude
+
+SCENE--_An Office in the City._ TIME--_After Lunch._
+
+PRESENT--_Members of a proposed Syndicate._
+
+_First Member._ And now, gentlemen, to business. I suppose we may put
+down the capital at fifty thousand?
+
+_Second Mem._ Better make it five hundred thousand. Half a million is so
+much easier to get.
+
+_Third Mem._ Of course. Who would look at a paltry fifty?
+
+_First Mem._ Perhaps you are right. Five pound shares, eh?
+
+_Fourth Mem._ Better make them sovereigns. Simpler to manipulate.
+
+_First Mem._ I daresay. Then the same solicitors as our last?
+
+_Fifth Mem._ Yes, on the condition that they get a firm to undertake the
+underwriting.
+
+_First Mem._ Necessarily. The firm I propose, gentlemen, are men of
+business, and quite recognise that nothing purchases nothing.
+
+_Second Mem._ And they could get the secretary with a thousand to
+invest.
+
+_First Mem._ Certainly. Our brokers, bankers, and auditors as before.
+Eh, gentlemen?
+
+_Fifth Mem._ On the same conditions.
+
+_First Mem._ That is understood. And now the prospectus is getting into
+shape. Is there anything else anyone can suggest?
+
+_Fourth Mem._ Oughtn't we to have some object in view?
+
+_First Mem._ Assuredly. Making money.
+
+_Fourth Mem._ Don't be frivolous. But what I mean is, should we not know
+for what purpose we are going to expend the half million?
+
+_First Mem._ Oh, you mean the name. Well, that comparatively unimportant
+detail we might safely leave until our next pleasant gathering.
+
+    [_Meeting adjourned._
+
+          _Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN EXTREMIS.--That man is indeed hard up who cannot get credit even for
+good intentions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WALKER!"--How unfair to sneer at the City tradesmen for being above
+their business, when so few of them live over their shops!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: An early morning snapshot in the suburbs. Mr. Bumpus
+dresses his window.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS
+
+Proposed elevated roadway for perambulators]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXAMINATION FOR A DIRECTORSHIP
+
+(_From "The City Man's Vade Mecum"_)
+
+_Promoter._ Are you a gentleman of blameless reputation?
+
+_Candidate._ Certainly, and I share that reputation with a dozen
+generations of ancestors.
+
+_Promoter._ And no doubt you are the soul of honour?
+
+_Candidate._ That is my belief--a belief shared by all my friends and
+acquaintances.
+
+_Promoter._ And I think, before taking up finance, you have devoted a
+long life to the service of your country?
+
+_Candidate._ That is so. My career has been rewarded by all kinds of
+honours.
+
+_Promoter._ And there is no particular reason why you should dabble in
+Stock Exchange matters?
+
+_Candidate._ None that I know of--save, perhaps, to serve a friend.
+
+_Promoter._ Now, be very careful. Do you know anything whatever about
+the business it is proposed you should superintend?
+
+_Candidate._ Nothing whatever. I know nothing absolutely about business.
+
+_Promoter._ Then I have much pleasure in informing you that you have
+been unanimously elected a member of the board of management!
+
+    [_Scene closes in until the public demands further information._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "_Perfeck Lidy_" (_who has just been ejected_). "Well,
+_next_ time I goes into a publickouse, I'll go somewhere where I'll be
+_respected_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RIDDLE FOR THE CITY
+
+  Oh! why, my friend, is a joint stock
+  Concern like, yet unlike, a clock?
+  Because it may be wound up; when,
+  Alas! it doesn't go again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SEAT OF IMPUDENCE.--A cabman's box.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG OF SUBURBAN HOUSEHOLDERS AWAITING THE ADVENT OF THE DUSTMAN.--"We
+_always_ use a big, big D!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FLOATING CAPITAL JOKE.--When may a man be said to be literally
+immersed in business?--When he's giving a swimming lesson.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHEERFUL INVESTMENT.--A laughing-stock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Baker._ "I shall want another ha'penny. Bread's gone up
+to-day."
+
+_Boy._ "Then give us one of yesterday's."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHY I AM IN TOWN
+
+Because I have long felt a strong desire to know by personal experiment
+what London is like at this season of the year.
+
+Because the house requires some repairs, and I am anxious to be on the
+spot to look after the workpeople.
+
+Because the progress of my book on Universal Eccentricity renders it
+necessary that I should pay frequent visits to the library of the
+British Museum.
+
+Because I have been everywhere, and know every place.
+
+Because the sanitary condition of the only place I at all care to go to
+is not altogether satisfactory.
+
+Because my Uncle Anthony is expected home every day from Australia, and
+I am unwilling to be absent from town when he arrives.
+
+Because my cousin Selina is going to be married from her stepfather's at
+Upper Clapton, and insists on my giving her away to the gentleman with
+whom she is about to penetrate into the interior of Africa.
+
+Because I am desirous to avail myself of this opportunity of completing
+some statistical tables I am compiling, showing the comparative numbers
+of horses, carriages, and pedestrians passing my dining-room windows on
+the last Saturday in May and the last Saturday in August respectively.
+
+Because my eldest son is reading with a private tutor for his army
+examination, and I feel I am of some use to him in his studies.
+
+Because my Aunt Philippa is detained in town by an attack of gout, and
+expects me to call and sit with her three times a day.
+
+Because I am determined to put into execution my long-cherished design
+of thoroughly exploring the British Museum, the National Gallery, the
+South Kensington Museum, St. Paul's, Westminster Abbey, the public
+monuments, and the City churches.
+
+Because it is pecuniarily inconvenient to me to be anywhere else.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--The gentleman who, the other day, ran away from home, without
+stopping to take his breath, is requested to fetch it as quickly as
+possible.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOGGED.--_Cabman_ (_who thinks he has been passing a line
+of linkmen_). "Is this right for Paddington?" _Linkman._ "'Course it is!
+First to the right and straight on. 'Aven't I told ye that three times
+already? Why, you've been drivin' round this square for the last 'arf
+hour!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VIRTUOUS INDIGNATION.--_Betting Man_ (_to his Partner_).
+"Look 'ere, Joe! I 'ear you've been gamblin' on the Stock Exchange! Now,
+a man _must_ draw the line _somewhere_; and if that kind of thing goes
+on, you and me will 'ave to part company!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MISNOMERS
+
+  You start a company to make it go,
+      It fails, and so you drop it;
+  It didn't go but yet has gone, and so
+      You wind it up to stop it.
+
+  Stocks in your garden you will surely find
+      By want of rain are slaughtered;
+  Yet many stocks have languished and declined
+      Because they have been watered.
+
+  Suppose a company for brewing beer
+      Should come to a cessation--
+  That is--"dry up" 'tis curious to hear
+      It's called "in liquidation."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PREHISTORIC LONDON.--Some archaeologists have discovered an analogy
+between the druidical worship and a form of semitic idolatry. It has
+been surmised that the Old Bailey derives its name from having been the
+site of a temple of Baal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RULE OF ROME.--An "Inquiring City Clerk," fresh from his Roman
+history, writes to ask if "S.P.Q.R." stands for "Small profits, quick
+returns."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TEMPERANCE PUBLIC-HOUSE.--A slop-shop.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MELTING MOMENTS
+
+(_Temperature 95 deg. in the Shade._)
+
+_Friend._ "How does this weather suit you, old chap?"
+
+_Bankrupt Proprietor._ "Oh, down to the ground! You see, I'm in
+liquidation!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ORIGINAL COOK'S TOURIST.--Policeman X on his beat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE GREAT PLAGUE OF LONDON."--A barrel-organ.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LATEST THING OUT.--The night-light.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Johnny_ (_who has to face a bad Monday, to Manager at
+Messrs. R-thsch-ld's_). "Ah! I--want to--ah!--see you about an
+overdraft." _Manager._ "How much do you require?" _Johnny._ "Ah!--how
+much have you got?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _French Lady._ "Picca-di-lee Circus." _Obliging
+Conductor._ "All right. One pence." _French Lady_ (_who rather prides
+herself on her English pronunciation_). "I anterstond ze Engleeshe
+langue." _Obliging Conductor._ "Oh, all right. Keep yer 'air on!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MOST UNPLEASANT MEETING.--Having to meet a bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT intimate connection is there between the lungs of London and the
+lights of the metropolis?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SAW FOR SLOP TAILORS.--Ill tweeds shrink apace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TISSUE OF LIES.--A forged bank-note.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NICE INVESTMENT.--Amongst the advertisements of new undertakings we
+notice one of "The Universal Disinfector Company." Our broker has
+instructions to procure us some shares, if they are in good odour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TIGHT FIT.--Intoxication.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO SUPPLY ST. PAUL'S WITH BELLS AND CHIMES _Cheap_.--Melt down the
+canons.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A THOUGHT FROM OUR TUB.--Respect everybody's feelings. If you wish to
+have your laundress's address, avoid asking her where she "hangs out."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARD LINES.--Overhead wires.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOTEL FOR BEE-FANCIERS.--The Hum-mums.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNPRECEDENTED TRADE ANNOUNCEMENT.--The pig-market was quiet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MONEY MARKET AND SANITARY INTELLIGENCE.--The unsafest of all deposits is
+the deposit of the banks of the Thames.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PLACE TO SPEND ALL FOOLS' DAY.--_Madame Tous-sots'._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bus-driver._ "All right, ladies! You're quite safe.
+They're werry partikler wot they eats!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS
+
+The next sensational literary advertisement; or, things of beauty in our
+streets.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOLEMN JEST.--Where should postmen be buried? In a post-crypt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BLUNDER-BUS.--One that takes you to Holborn when you want to go to the
+Bank.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EPITAPH FOR A STOCKBROKER.--"Waiting for a rise."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOARD WAGES.--Directors' fees.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STOCK EXCHANGE
+
+_Illustrated by Dumb-Crambo, Junior_]
+
+[Illustration: Carrying over]
+
+[Illustration: Market firm]
+
+[Illustration: Arranging for a fall]
+
+[Illustration: Market falling]
+
+[Illustration: Preparing for a rise]
+
+[Illustration: Home securities flat]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW WAY TO GET A FRESH APPETITE
+
+(_A real bit from life at a City company's dinner_)
+
+_Young Visitor._ Really, sir, you must excuse me. I am compelled to
+refuse.
+
+_Old Alderman_ (_with profound astonishment_). What, refuse these
+beautiful grouse? It's impossible!
+
+_Young Visitor._ It _is_ impossible, I can assure you, sir. I cannot eat
+any more.
+
+_Old Alderman_ (_tenderly_). Come, come. I tell you what now. Just take
+my advice, and _try a cold chair_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DESIGN FOR A PAPER-WEIGHT.--The portrait of a gentleman waiting for the
+_Times_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST "FINANCIAL RELATIONS."--Our "uncles."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE ANGEL COURT KITCHEN.--_Stranger_ (_to Eminent Financier_). Why
+did you call that man at the bar "the Microbe"?
+
+_Eminent Financier._ Because he's "in everything."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GROUND RENTS.--The effects of an earthquake.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOLLOWING THE FASHION.--_Baked-Tater Merchant._ "'Ow's
+trade! Why fust-rate!! I'm a-goin' to conwert the bis'ness into a
+limited liability comp'ny--and retire into private life!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF THE STREETS
+
+UPON THE KERB
+
+  Upon the kerb a maiden neat--
+  Her watchet eyes are passing sweet--
+      There stands and waits in dire distress:
+      The muddy road is pitiless,
+  And 'buses thunder down the street!
+
+  A snowy skirt, all frill and pleat;
+  Two tiny, well-shod, dainty feet
+      Peep out, beneath her kilted dress,
+            Upon the kerb!
+
+  She'll first advance and then retreat,
+  Half frightened by a hansom fleet.
+      She looks around, I must confess,
+      With marvellous coquettishness!--
+  Then droops her eyes and looks discreet,
+            Upon the kerb!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Definition of "THE HAPPY MEAN."--A joyful miser.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO PEOPLE DOWN IN THE WORLD.--Try the new hotels: they will give you a
+lift.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT is the best thing to do in a hurry? Nothing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sarah_ (_to Sal_). "Lor! ain't 'e 'andy with 'is feet!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCH'S COUNTRY COUSIN'S GUIDE
+
+THE METROPOLIS IN THE _MORTE SAISON_
+
+8 A.M.--Rise, as in the country, and stroll round the squares before
+breakfast, to see the turn out of cooks and charwomen. Ask your way back
+of the first policeman you meet.
+
+9 A.M.--Breakfast. First taste of London milk and butter. Analyse, if
+not in a hurry. Any policeman will show you the nearest chemist.
+
+10 A.M.--To Battersea Park to see carpets beaten. Curious atmospheric
+effects observable in the clouds of dust and the language of the
+beaters. Inquire your road of any policeman.
+
+11 A.M.--Take penny steamer up to Westminster Bridge, in time to arrive
+at Scotland Yard, and inspect the police as they start on their various
+beats. For any information, inquire of the inspector.
+
+12 P.M.--Hansom cab races. These can be viewed at any hour by standing
+still at a hundred yards from any cabstand and holding up a shilling.
+An amusing sequel may be enjoyed by referring all the drivers to the
+nearest policeman.
+
+1 P.M.--Observe the beauties of solitude among the flowers in Hyde Park.
+Lunch at the lodge on curds and whey. Ask the whey of the park keeper.
+
+2 P.M.--Visit the exhibitions of painting on the various scaffoldings in
+Belgravia. Ask the next policeman if the house painters are Royal
+Academicians. Note what he says.
+
+3 P.M.--Look at the shops in Bond Street and Regent Street, and purchase
+the dummy goods disposed of at an awful sacrifice.
+
+4 P.M.--See the stickleback fed at the Westminster Aquarium. If nervous
+at being alone, ask the policeman in waiting to accompany you over the
+building.
+
+5 P.M.--Find a friend still in town to give you five o'clock tea in her
+back drawing-room--the front of the house being shut up.
+
+6 P.M.--Back to the park. Imagine the imposing cavalcades in Rotten Row
+(now invisible), with the aid of one exercising groom and the two
+daughters of a riding-master in full procession.
+
+7 P.M.--Wake up the waiters at the Triclinium Restaurant, and persuade
+them to warm up dinner for your benefit.
+
+8 P.M.--Perambulate the Strand, and visit the closed doors of the
+various theatres. Ask the nearest policeman for his opinion on London
+actors. You will find it as good as a play.
+
+9 P.M.--A Turkish bath may be had in Covent Garden Theatre. Towels or
+programmes are supplied by the policemen at the doors.
+
+10 P.M.--Converse, before turning in, with the policeman on duty or the
+fireman in charge of the fire-escape. Much interesting information may
+be obtained in this way.
+
+11 P.M.--Supper at the cabmen's shelter, or the coffee stall corner of
+Hyde Park. Get a policeman to take you home to bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Benevolent Old Gentleman._ "_Poor_ little thing! Is it
+hurt?"
+
+    [_But it was only the week's washing._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AMENITIES OF THE ROAD.--_Robert._ "Now then,
+four-wheeler, why couldn't you pull up sooner? Didn't you see me 'old up
+my 'and?" _Cabby_ (_suavely_). "Well, constable, I _did_ see a kind of
+shadder pass acrorst the sky; but my 'orse 'e shied at your feet!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Q._ WHAT is the best sort of cigar to smoke in a hansom?
+
+_A._ A Cab-ana.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.--It must have belonged originally to an omnibus,
+for it is continually "taking up" and "putting down" people.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Groom_ (_whose master is fully occupied with
+unmanageable pair which has just run into rear of omnibus_). "Well,
+anyway, it wasn't the guv'nor's fault."
+
+'_Bus Conductor._ "No--it was _your_ fault, for letting 'im drive!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE WAY WE BUILD NOW."--_Indignant Houseowner_ (_he had
+heard it was so much cheaper, in the end, to buy your house_).
+"Wh' what's the--what am I!--wha' what do you suppose is the meaning of
+this, Mr. Scampling!"
+
+_Local Builder._ "'T' tut, tut! Well, sir, I 'spects
+some one's been a-leanin' agin it!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GETTING HIS ANSWER
+
+_Important Old Gent_ (_from the country, who thinks the lofty bearing of
+these London barmaids ought to be "taken down a bit"_). "Glass of ale,
+young woman; and look sharp, please!"
+
+_Haughty Blonde_ (_blandly_). "Second-class refreshments lower down,
+sir!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MEAT MARKET
+
+Legs were freely walked off, and there was a pressure on ribs owing to
+the rush of beggars; but knuckles came down, while calves'-heads were
+looking-up steadily. At Smithfield, there was a rush of bulls, but the
+transactions were of such a hazardous nature as to appear more like a
+toss-up than firm business. Any kind of security was resorted to, and
+the bulls having driven a well-known speculator into a corner, he was
+glad to get out as he could, though an attempt was made to pin him to
+his position.
+
+Pigs went on much at the old rates; and briskness could not be obtained,
+though the _coupons_ were freely offered.
+
+The weather having been favourable to slaughtering, calves have not been
+brought to the pen--but there is something doing in beef, for the "_Last
+of the Barons_" is advertised.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ORIGINAL CAB RADIUS.--A spoke of Phoebus's chariot-wheel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR THE L.G.O.C.--_Bus_ in urbe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY
+
+_Old Gentleman (returning from City festivity)._ "Pleashm'n, where'sh
+M'sht'r Brown live?"
+
+_Constable (recognising him)._ "Why, dear me, sir, you are Mr. Brown!"
+
+_Mr. B._ "Aw right! Bu'--where do I live?"!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Cheap Jack._ "I will make a present of this genooine
+gold watch--none of your carrots--to henny lady or gentleman for fifteen
+shillings an' sixpence. Why am I doin' this? To hencourage trade, that
+is why I am givin' it away for fourteen shillings an' sixpence. Look at
+it for yourselves, for fourteen shillings! If yer don't believe it's
+gold, _jump on it_?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE DIAMOND JUBILEE.--_First Doubtful Character._ "My
+eye, mate, this is a squash!" _Second D. C._ "Squash! Why, s'elp me, if
+I ain't 'ad my 'and in this cove's pocket for the larst twenty minits,
+an' can't get it out!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BACK TO TOWN
+
+  Back to town, and it certes is rapture to stand,
+  And to hear once again all the roar of the Strand;
+  I agree with the bard who said, noisy or stilly,
+  By gaslight or daylight, he loved Piccadilly;
+  The wanderer's heart with emotion doth swell,
+  When he sees the broad pavement of pleasant Pall Mall.
+
+  Some folks like the City; wherever they range,
+  Their hearts are still true to the Royal Exchange;
+  They've beheld alpine summits rise rank upon rank,
+  But the Matterhorn's nothing compared with the Bank;
+  And they feel quite rejoiced in the omnibus ride,
+  As that hearse for the living rolls up through Cheapside.
+
+  The mind of a man is expanded by travel,
+  But give me my house on the Kensington gravel:
+  The wine of the Frenchman is good, and his grub,
+  But he isn't devoted to soap and the tub;
+  Though it may be my prejudice, yet I'll be shot,
+  If I don't think one Englishman's worth all the lot!
+
+  With Germans I've no disposition to quarrel,
+  Though most of their women resemble a barrel;
+  And, as for myself, I could never make out
+  The charms of their _schnitzel_ and raw _sauer-kraut_;
+  While everyone owns, since the last mighty war,
+  Your average Teuton's too bumptious by far.
+
+  I think it's been stated before, that you roam
+  To prove to yourself that there's no place like home,
+  Though lands that are lovely lie eastward and west,
+  Our "tight little island," believe me, 's the best;
+  Through Paris, Berlin, and Vienna you've passed,
+  To find that there's nothing like London at last!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _New Assistant (after hair-cutting, to Jones, who has
+been away for a couple of weeks)._ "Your 'air is very thin be'ind, sir.
+Try singeing!"
+
+_Jones (after a pause)._ "Yes, I think I will."
+
+_N. A. (after singeing)._ "Shampoo, sir? Good for the 'air, sir."
+
+_Jones._ "Thank you. Yes."
+
+_N. A._ "Your moustaches curled?"
+
+_Jones._ "Please."
+
+_N. A._ "May I give you a friction?"
+
+_Jones._ "Thank you."
+
+_N. A._ "Will you try some of our----"
+
+_Manager (who has just sighted his man, in stage whisper)._ "You idiot!
+_He's_ a subscriber!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. R. was in an omnibus lately. The streets were so badly paved, she
+says, that the osculations were most trying to elderly people, though
+the younger ladies did not seem to object to them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.--"Suits from 35s. to order. Beware of firms
+that copy us."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIGNS OF A SEVERE WINTER IN LONDON.--Early departure of swallows from
+Swallow Street.
+
+Poet's Corner covered with rime.
+
+Wild ducks on the Stock Exchange.
+
+Coals raised.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CYNIC'S MOTTO FOR KELLY'S DIRECTORY (_by the kind permission of the
+Author of "Dead Men whom I have known."_)--Living men whom I don't want
+to know.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MONEY MARKET--Shares, in Ascension Island Company, going up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CITY INTELLIGENCE.--Should the proposed asylum for decayed bill brokers,
+jobbers, and others on 'Change be ultimately built, it will probably be
+at Stock-holm.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONVENIENT.--_Lodger (who has been dining)._ "D' you have
+any 'bjecks'n t' my 'shcaping up into my rooms shec'nd floor? F'got my
+la'ch-key!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADVICE TO SMOKERS.--Cut Cavendish.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.--A new club, composed entirely of aristocratic
+literary ladies, is in course of formation; it is to be called "The Blue
+Lights."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYME FOR THE TIME
+
+  Bye baby bunting,
+  Daddy's gone a hunting
+  On the Stock Exchange, to catch
+  Some one who is not his match;
+      If he has luck,
+      As well as pluck,
+  A coach he'll very likely win
+  To ride his baby bunting in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DEAF MAN'S PARADISE.--The Audit Office.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "CASTING ACCOUNTS"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR FRENCH VISITORS.--(Scene--_Royal Exchange_). _First
+Frenchman (his first time in London)._ "Tiens, Alphonse! Qui est cet
+homme-la?" _Second Frenchman (who, having been here once before is
+supposed to know all about it)._ "Chut! Plus bas, mon ami." (_Whispers
+in reverential tone._) "Ce monsieur-la--c'est le Lor' Maire!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VERY MUCH OVER-RATED PLACE.--London, under the County Council.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BILL ACCEPTOR.--A dead wall.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SITE FOR A RAGGED SCHOOL.--Tattersall's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LINKS THAT ARE NO SORT OF USE IN ANY FOG.--Shirt-links.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND BEAUTIFYING TREE IN LONDON.--The plane.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"COIGNS OF 'VANTAGE."--_L_ _s_. _d_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BULL AND BEAR]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "BREAD OF IDLENESS."--Loafing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POEM ON A PUBLIC-HOUSE
+
+  Of this establishment how can we speak?
+  Its cheese is mitey and its ale is weak.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ARISTOCRAT'S PARADISE.--Quality Court.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE CONTROLLER OF THE _MINT_."--The greengrocer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEASONABLE.--What sort of a bath would a resident of Cornhill probably
+prefer? A _Cit's_ bath.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TIPPLER'S PARADISE.--Portsoken Ward.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MONEY MARKET
+
+[Illustration: Tightness observable at the opening]
+
+[Illustration: A decline at the close]
+
+[Illustration: Railways were dull]
+
+[Illustration: Bullyin' movements]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STOCKBROKER'S VADE MECUM.--A book of good quotations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EPITAPH ON A LETTER CARRIER.--_Post obit._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MAN IN ADVANCE OF HIS TIME.--One who has been knocked into the middle
+of next week.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LORD MAYOR'S RESIDENCE.--The munching house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NEW TERROR FOR THE UNPUNCTUAL CLERK
+
+[According to the _Scientific American_ they have commenced making in
+Switzerland phonographic clocks and watches, which pronounce the hour
+most distinctly.]
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST SCHOOL OF COOKERY.--The office of a City accountant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE OBSTINACY OF THE PARENT
+
+_Emily Jane._ "Yes, I'm always a-sayin' to father as 'e oughter retire
+from the crossin', but keep at it 'e will, though it ain't just no more
+'n the broom as 'olds 'im up!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MONEY MARKET
+
+The scarcity of money is frightful. As much as a hundred per cent., to
+be paid in advance, has been asked upon bills; but we have not yet heard
+of any one having given it. There was an immense run for gold, but no
+one got any, and the whole of the transactions of the day were done in
+copper. An influential party created some sensation by coming into the
+market late in the afternoon, just before the close of business, with
+half-a-crown; but it was found, on inquiry, to be a bad one. It is
+expected that if the dearth of money continues another week, buttons
+must be resorted to. A party, whose transactions are known to be large,
+succeeded in settling his account with the bulls, by means of
+postage-stamps; an arrangement of which the bears will probably take
+advantage.
+
+A large capitalist in the course of the day attempted to change the
+direction things had taken, by throwing an immense quantity of paper
+into the market; but as no one seemed disposed to have anything to do
+with it, it blew over.
+
+The parties to the Dutch loan are much irritated at being asked to take
+their dividends in butter; but, after the insane attempt to get rid of
+the Spanish arrears by cigars, which, it is well known, ended in smoke,
+we do not think the Dutch project will be proceeded with.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LETTERS OF CREDIT."--I.O.U.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.--Stopping in London in August.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RESIDENCE FOR THE CLERK OF THE WEATHER.--"The clearing-house."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A MAN OF LETTERS]
+
+[Illustration: MOST ASSURING.--_Brown (who is nervous about sanitary
+matters, and detects something)._ "Hum"--(_sniffs_)--"surely--this
+system of yours--these pipes now--do they communicate with your main
+drain?" _Hairdresser (with cheery gusto)._ "Direct, sir!"
+
+    [_Tableau._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Gilded Johnny._ "How long will it take your bally cab to
+get to Victoria?"
+
+_Cabby._ "Oh, just about the same time as an ordinary keb, sir."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND"
+
+_Respectable Man._ "Dear me! I'm sorry to see this, Muggles! I heard
+you'd left off drinking!"
+
+_Disreputable Party._ "Sho I 'ave, shir--(_hic_)--jesh 'ish very
+minute!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OBVIOUS.--_Stingy Uncle (to impecunious Nephew)._ "Pay as
+you go, my boy!--Pay as you go!"
+
+_Nephew (suggestively)._ "But suppose I haven't any money to pay with,
+uncle----"
+
+_Uncle._ "Eh?--Well, then, don't go, you know--don't go!"
+
+    [_Exit hastily_.
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Street Serio (singing)._ "Er--yew will think hov me and
+love me has in dies hov long ago-o-o!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHEWERFIT & C^o.
+
+  ARTISTS IN HAIR
+  FACE MASSAGE
+  MANICURE
+  CHIROPODY
+  BLOOM OF CUPID
+  FOR THE COMPLEXION
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REAL GRATITUDE
+
+_Tramp (to Chappie, who has just given him a shilling)._ "I 'ope as 'ow
+some day, sir, _you_ may want a shillin', an' that I'll be able to give
+it to yer!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Vendor of Cheap Music._ "'Ere y' are, lidy! _'I'll be
+yer Sweet'art.'_ One penny!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CORRESPONDENCE
+
+If you please, sir, as a young visitor to the metropolis, and well
+acquainted with history, I want to ask you--
+
+Who is the Constable of the Tower?
+
+What is his number?
+
+Is he dressed like other constables?
+
+Can he run anyone in, and make them move on if found loitering on
+his beat?
+
+Is his beat all round the Tower?
+
+Is he a special? one of the _force de tour_, empowered to use a
+_tour de force_? (You see I am well up in French.)
+
+I saw a very amiable-looking policeman cracking nuts in the
+vicinity of the Tower. Do you think this was the constable in
+question?
+
+Yours,
+
+RUSTY CUSS IN URBE.
+
+    P.S.--Pantheon means a place where all the gods are. I know Greek.
+    The Pantheon in Regent Street I find is now a wine merchant's. Is
+    England exclusively devoted to Bacchus, and is temperance a heresy?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON THE NINTH.
+
+_Freddy._ "And do they have a new Lord Mayor every year, mummie?"
+
+_Mother._ "Yes, dear."
+
+_Freddy._ "Then what do they do with the old Lord Mayors when they've
+done with 'em?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Clerk._ "Lady been here this morning, sir, complaining
+about some goods we sent her." _Employer._ "Who was she?" _Clerk._ "I
+quite forgot to ask her name, sir, but she's a little woman--_with a
+full-sized tongue_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Little Boldwig_ (_he had been dining with his Company,
+and had let himself in with his latchkey--to gigantic stranger he finds
+in his hall_). "Come on. I'll fight you!" (_Furiously._) "Put your
+shtick down!!"
+
+    [_But his imaginary foe was only the new umbrella-stand_--_a present
+    from Mrs. B.!_
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MAKING THE MOST OF IT]
+
+A SHOCKING THING TO THINK OF!--A galvanic battery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CASH ADVANCES."--Courting a rich widow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR HAIRDRESSERS.--"Cut and comb again."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CORRECT MOTTO FOR THE EASY SHAVER.--Nothing like lather.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ADVERTISEMENT INADVERTENCIES
+
+_Perpetrated by Dumb-Crambo, Junior_]
+
+[Illustration: "Suitable opening for a pupil"]
+
+[Illustration: "Pushing man to take orders"]
+
+[Illustration: "No reasonable offer refused"]
+
+[Illustration: "Mother's help wanted"]
+
+[Illustration: "A good plate cleaner"]
+
+[Illustration: "Goods carefully removed (in town or country)"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST POSSESSION.--Self-possession.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TWO SYNONYMOUS TRADES.--A hairdresser; a locksmith.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST SUBSTITUTE FOR COAL.--Warm weather.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PASSING AMENITIES.--_Growler._ "Hi! Hi! Carn't yer look
+out wher' yer a-comin'?" _Omnibus._ "Garn! Shut up, jack-in-the-box!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I wonder when that A. B. C. girl is going to serve us?
+I've called her half-a-dozen times."
+
+"Perhaps she's D. E. F."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOWN IMPROVEMENT.--There is, we hear, a winter garden to be opened at
+Somer's Town.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DUMMY-MONDE.--Madame Tussaud's wax-work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SO INVITING!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Passenger_ (_rising politely_). "Excuse me, mum, but do
+you believe in woman's rights?"
+
+_New Woman._ "Most certainly I do."
+
+_Passenger_ (_resuming seat_). "Oh well, then stand up for 'em!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DESPERATE RESOLVES OF THE LAST MAN LEFT IN TOWN
+
+To visit the National Gallery (for the first time), as an Englishman
+should really know something about the art treasures of his native
+country.
+
+To spend an hour at the Tower (also for the first time), because there
+you will be able to brighten up your historical recollections which have
+become rather rusty since you took your B.A. degree just fifteen years
+ago.
+
+To enter St. Paul's Cathedral with a view to thinking out a really good
+plan of decoration for the benefit of those who read letters addressed
+to the editor of the _Times_.
+
+To take a ride in an omnibus from Piccadilly to Brompton to see what the
+interior of the vehicle in question is like, and therein to study the
+manners and customs of the English middle classes.
+
+To walk in Rotten Row between the hours of twelve (noon) and two (p.m.)
+to see how the place looks without any people in it.
+
+To have your photograph taken in your militia uniform, as now there is
+no one in town to watch you getting out of a cab in full war paint.
+
+To stroll into Mudie's Library to get all the new novels, because after
+reading them you may suddenly find yourself inspired to write a critique
+that will make your name (when the article has been accepted and
+published) as a most accomplished reviewer.
+
+To read all the newspapers and magazines at the hairdresser's while your
+head is being shampooed (for the fourth time), as now is the time for
+improving your mind (occupied with so many other things during the
+season) with popular current literature.
+
+To walk to your club (closed for repairs, &c.) to see how the workmen
+are progressing with the stone scraping of the exterior, as you feel
+yourself responsible to hundreds of your fellow-creatures as a member of
+the house committee.
+
+To write a long letter to your friend Brown, of the 121st Foot, now in
+India with his regiment, to tell him how nothing is going on anywhere,
+because you have not written to him since he said "Good-bye" to you at
+Southampton.
+
+To go home to bed at nine o'clock, as early hours are good for the
+health, and because there is really nothing else to do.
+
+And last, but not least, to leave London for the country by the very
+first train to-morrow morning!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING IN THE CITY
+
+  Sigh no more dealers, sigh no more,
+    Shares were unstable ever,
+  They often have been down before,
+    At high rates constant never.
+      Then sigh not so,
+      Soon up they'll go,
+    And you'll be blithe and funny,
+      Converting all your notes of woe
+    Into hey, money, money.
+
+  Write no more letters, write no mo
+    On stocks so dull and heavy.
+  At times on 'Change 'tis always so,
+    When bears a tribute levy.
+      Then sigh not so,
+      And don't be low,
+    In sunshine you'll make honey,
+      Converting all your notes of woe,
+    Into hey, money, money.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE DESERTED VILLAGE."--London in September.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CLOCKMAKER'S PARADISE.--Seven Dials.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STUDIES IN EVOLUTION.--Alderman Brownjones senior
+explains to his son, Alderman Brownjones junior, that there is a
+lamentable falling-off since _his_ day, in the breed of
+aldermen-sheriffs--not only in style and bearing, but even in
+"happetite"!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Gent_ (_rushing out of club in a terrific hurry_). "I
+say, cabby, drive as fast as you can to Waterloo--Leatherhead!"
+
+_Cabby._ "'Ere, I say, not so much of your _leather'ed_, if you please!"
+
+    [_Goes off grumbling._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mrs. Snobson_ (_who is doing a little slumming for the
+first time and wishes to appear affable, but is at a loss to know how to
+commence conversation_). "Town very empty!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW EDITION OF WALKER
+
+  The baker rolls.
+  The butcher shambles.
+  The banker balances himself well.
+  The cook has a mincing gait.
+  The livery-stable keeper has a "_musing_ gait."
+  The excursionist trips along.
+  The fishmonger flounders on.
+  The poulterer waddles like a duck.
+  The gardener does not allow the grass to grow under his feet.
+  The grocer treads gingerly.
+  The indiarubber manufacturer has an elastic step.
+  The rogue shuffles, and
+  The doctor's pace is killing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHOPKEEPER'S SCIENCE.--Buyology.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PEOPLE talk about making a clean sweep. Can they make a sweep clean?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BENEATH ONE'S NOTICE.--Advertisements on the pavement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE ABSENT-MINDED BEGGAR" (_With apologies to Mr.
+Kipling_)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Talkative Old Lady_ (_drinking a glass of milk, to
+enthusiastic teetotaler, who is doing ditto_). "Yes, sir, since they're
+begun poisoning the beer, we _must_ drink _something_, mustn't we?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Small Boy_ (_who is somewhat cramped for room_). "Are
+you still there, Billy? I thought you wos lost."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Irate Old Gentleman._ "Here, I say, your beast of a dog
+has bitten a piece out of my leg!" _Dog's Owner._ "Oh, bother! And I
+wanted to bring him up a vegetarian!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "'Ad any breakfus' 's mornin'?" "Not a drop!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INFANT'S GUIDE TO KNOWLEDGE
+
+CONCERNING CASH
+
+_Question._ What is cash?
+
+_Answer._ Cash may be described as comfort in the concrete.
+
+_Q._ Is it not sometimes called "the root of all evil"?
+
+_A._ Yes, by those who do not possess it.
+
+_Q._ Is it possible to live without cash?
+
+_A._ Certainly--upon credit.
+
+_Q._ Can you tell me what is credit?
+
+_A._ Credit is the motive power which induces persons who have cash, to
+part with some of it to those who have it not.
+
+_Q._ Can you give me an instance of credit?
+
+_A._ Certainly. A young man who is able to live at the rate of a
+thousand a-year, with an income not exceeding nothing a month, is a case
+of credit.
+
+_Q._ Would it be right to describe such a transaction as "much to his
+credit"?
+
+_A._ It would be more precise to say, "much by his credit"; although
+the former phrase would be accepted by a large class of the community as
+absolutely accurate.
+
+_Q._ What is bimetallism?
+
+_A._ Bimetallism is a subject that is frequently discussed by amateur
+financiers, after a good dinner, on the near approach of the coffee.
+
+_Q._ Can you give me your impression of the theory of bimetallism?
+
+_A._ My impression of bimetallism is the advisability of obtaining
+silver, if you cannot get gold.
+
+_Q._ What is the best way of securing gold?
+
+_A._ The safest way is to borrow it.
+
+_Q._ Can money be obtained in any other way?
+
+_A._ In the olden time it was gathered on Hounslow Heath and other
+deserted spots, by mounted horsemen wearing masks and carrying pistols.
+
+_Q._ What is the modern way of securing funds, on the same principles,
+but with smaller risk?
+
+_A._ By promoting companies and other expedients known to the members of
+the Stock Exchange.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GOOD FIGURE-HEAD.--An arithmetician's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN EMPTY EMBRACE.--"'Ere y'are! Humberella rings, two a
+penny!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Conductor_ (_on "Elephant and Castle" route_). "Fares,
+please!"
+
+_Fare._ "Two elephants!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ONE OF "LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIES"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OVERHEARD OUTSIDE A FAMOUS RESTAURANT
+
+"Hullo, Gus! What are you waiting about here for?"
+
+"I'm waiting till the banks close. I want to cash a cheque!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"UNSATISFACTORY COMMERCIAL RELATIONS."--Our "uncles."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COUNTRY SHAREHOLDERS.--Ploughmen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Working Man, sitting on the steps of a big house in,
+say, Russell Square, smoking pipe. A mate passes by with plumbing tools,
+&c._
+
+_Man with tools._ "Hullo, Jim! Wot are yer doin' 'ere? Caretakin'?"
+
+_Man on steps._ "No. I'm the howner, 'ere."
+
+_Man with tools._ "'Ow's that?"
+
+_Man on steps._ "Why, I did a bit o' plumbing in the 'ouse, an' I took
+the place in part payment for the job."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GLORIOUS FIFTH
+
+_Benevolent Lady_ (_fond of the good old customs_). "Here, my boy, is
+something for your guy."
+
+_Conscientious Youth._ "We ain't got no guy, mum; this 'ere's
+grandfather!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "YOUNG SHAVER."--A barber's baby.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOINT ACCOUNT.--A butcher's bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER "THE SLUMP" IN THE CITY.--_Weak Speculator in South
+African market_ (_about to pay the barber who has been shaving him_). "A
+shilling! eh? Why, your charge used to be only sixpence." _City Barber._
+"Yes, sir; _but you've got such a long face_, we're obliged to increase
+the price!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I don't arst yer fer money. I don't _want_ money. Wot I
+wants is bread. _'Ave_ yer got such a thing as a bit o' bread about yer,
+me lord?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PROMOTER'S VADE MECUM
+
+(_Subject to Revision after the Vacation_)
+
+_Question._ What is meant by the promotion of a company?
+
+_Answer._ The process of separating capital from its possessor.
+
+_Q._ How is this end accomplished?
+
+_A._ By the preparation and publication of a prospectus.
+
+_Q._ Of what does a prospectus consist?
+
+_A._ A front page and a statement of facts.
+
+_Q._ Define a front page.
+
+_A._ The bait covering the hook, the lane leading to the pitfall, the
+lath concealing the quagmire--occasionally.
+
+_Q._ Of what is a front page composed?
+
+_A._ Titles, and other suggestions of respectability.
+
+_Q._ How are these suggestions obtained?
+
+_A._ In the customary fashion.
+
+_Q._ Can a banking account be put to any particular service in the
+promotion of a company?
+
+_A._ Certainly; it eases the wheels in all directions.
+
+_Q._ Can it obtain the good-will of the Press?
+
+_A._ Only of questionable and usually short-lived periodicals.
+
+_Q._ But the destination of the cash scarcely affects the promoter?
+
+_A._ No; for he loses in any case.
+
+_Q._ How much of his profits does he sometimes have to disgorge?
+
+_A._ According to circumstances, from three-fifths to
+nineteen-twentieths of his easily-secured takings.
+
+_Q._ And what does promotion do for the promoter?
+
+_A._ It usually bestows upon him temporary prosperity.
+
+_Q._ Why do you say "temporary"?
+
+_A._ Because a pleasant present is frequently followed by a disastrous
+future.
+
+_Q._ You mean, then, that this prosperity is like the companies
+promoted, "limited"?
+
+_A._ Yes, by the Court of Bankruptcy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ON 'CHANGE"
+
+_Brown._ "Mornin'. Fresh mornin', ain't it?"
+
+_Smith._ "'Course it is. Every morning's a fresh morning! By-bye!"
+
+    [_Brown's temper all day is quite unbearable._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sympathetic Passer-by._ "But if he's badly hurt, why
+doesn't he go to the hospital?" _British Workman._ "Wot! In 'is
+dinner-time!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADVERTISEMENT PERVERSIONS (_By Dumb-Crambo, Junior_)
+
+[Illustration: Washing wanted]
+
+[Illustration: Vacancy for one pupil]
+
+[Illustration: Improver wanted in the dressmaking]
+
+[Illustration: Left-off clothing]
+
+[Illustration: Branch establishment]
+
+[Illustration: Engagement wanted, as housekeeper. Highly recommended]
+
+[Illustration: Board and residence]
+
+[Illustration: Unfurnished flat]
+
+[Illustration: Smart youth wanted]
+
+[Illustration: Mangling done on the shortest notice]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RIVER STYX.--"The thousand masts of Thames."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAN WE SHOULD LIKE TO SEND TO A SEANCE.--The man who knows how to
+hit the happy medium.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APPROPRIATE _LOCALE_ FOR THE DAIRY SHOW.--Chalk Farm.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TIDY DROP.--A glass of spirits, _neat_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LORD MAYOR'S SHOW AS IT OUGHT TO BE
+
+_Designed by Mr. Punch's Special Processionist_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ANOTHER SUGGESTION FOR THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW AS IT OUGHT
+TO BE]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "'Nuts for the monkeys, sir? Buy a bag o' nuts for the
+monkeys!"
+
+"I'm not going to the Zoo."
+
+"Ah, well, sir, have some to take home to the children!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HYDE PARK, MAY 1
+
+_Country Cousin._ "What is the meaning of this, policeman?"
+
+_Constable._ "Labour day, miss."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Boy_ (_to Cabby with somewhat shadowy horse_). "Look
+'ere, guv'nor, you'd better tie a knot in 'is tail afore 'e gets wet, or
+'e might slip through 'is collar!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Indignant Cabby._ "Shockin' bad 'orse, 'ave I? And wot's
+this hextra tuppence for?--to buy a new 'un with, eh?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUIDDITIES.--_For the Old Ladies._ A tea-party without scandal is like a
+knife without a handle.
+
+Words without deeds are like the husks without the seeds.
+
+Features without grace are like a clock without a face.
+
+A land without the laws is like a cat without her claws.
+
+Life without cheer is like a cellar without beer.
+
+A master without a cane is like a rider without the rein.
+
+Marriage without means is like a horse without his beans.
+
+A man without a wife is like a fork without a knife.
+
+A quarrel without fighting is like thunder without lightning.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR A SELF-MADE AND SUCCESSFUL MONEY-LENDER.--"A loan I did it!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPROPER EXPRESSION.--Let it never be said, that when a man jumps for
+joy, "his delight knows no _bounds_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE opposite to a tea-fight--A coffee-mill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TIP-CAT SEASON HAS NOW COMMENCED
+
+_Street Urchin._ "Now then, old 'un----Fore!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Crossing-Sweeper_ (_to Brown, whose greatest pride is
+his new brougham, diminutive driver, &c._). "'Igh! Stop! You've lost
+somethin'--the coachman!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Irate Bus Driver._ "You wouldn't do that for me, would
+yer?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE STORES. BUY--OUR TAPESTRY ARTIST]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CATTLE-SHOW WEEK
+
+(_By Dumb-Crambo, Junior_)
+
+[Illustration: Scotch polled]
+
+[Illustration: Best wether]
+
+[Illustration: Class for roots]
+
+[Illustration: Steers]
+
+[Illustration: Best butter]
+
+[Illustration: Cross bred]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LINEN TRADE.--There have been a few transactions in rags at
+threepence a pound, and an extensive bone-grubber caused considerable
+excitement by bringing a quantity of waste-paper into the market which
+turned the scale in his own favour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR A MOURNING WAREHOUSE.--Die and let live.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUT OF PLACE.--A vegetarian at the Cattle Show.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FINANCIAL AUTHORITY BADLY WANTED.--The man who can say "bogus" to the
+investing goose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE VEGETABLE MARKET.--Asparagus is looking up, and radishes are taking
+a downward direction. Peas were almost nothing at the opening; and new
+potatoes were buoyant in the basket, but turned out rather heavy at the
+settling. A rush of bulls through the market had a dreadful effect upon
+apple-stalls and other minor securities; but all the established houses
+stood their ground, though the run occasioned a panic among some of the
+proprietors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE QUARTERLY ACCOUNTS.--_Clerk._ "Sorry to say, sir,
+there's a saddle we can't account for. Can't find out who it was sent
+to."
+
+_Employer._ "Charge it on all the bills."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LOVE SONG OF THE MONEY-MARKET
+
+  I will not ask thee to be mine,
+    Because I love thee far too well;
+  Ah! what I feel, who thus resign
+    All hope in life, no words can tell.
+  Only the dictate I obey
+    Of deep affection's strong excess,
+  When, dearest, in despair, I say
+    Farewell to thee and happiness.
+
+  Thy face, so tranquil and serene,
+    To see bedimmed I could not bear,
+  Pinched with hard thrift's expression mean,
+    Disfigured with the lines of care,
+  I could not brook the day to see
+    When thou would'st not, as thou hast now,
+  Have all those things surrounding thee
+    That light the eye and smooth the brow.
+
+  Thou wilt smile calmly at my fear
+    That want would e'er approach our door;
+  I know it must to thee appear
+    A melancholy dream: no more.
+  Wilt thou not be with riches blest?
+    Is not my fortune ample too?
+  Must I not, therefore, be possessed,
+    To feel that dread, of devils blue?
+
+  Alas! my wealth, that should maintain,
+    My bride in glory and in joy,
+  Is built on a foundation vain,
+    Which soon a tempest will destroy.
+  Yes, yes, an interest high, I know
+    My capital at present bears;
+  But in a moment it may go:
+    It is invested all in shares.
+
+  The company is doomed to fall,
+    Spreading around disaster dire,
+  I hear that the directors all
+    Are rogues--the greatest rogue thy sire!
+  Go--seek a happier, wiser mate,
+    Who had the wit to be content
+  With the returns of his estate,
+    And with Consols at three per cent!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FEAST OF ALL FOOLS.--More than is good for them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "LAP" OF LUXURY.--Genuine milk in London.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DISH FOR DIDDLED SHAREHOLDERS.--Bubble and squeak.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCIENCE GOSSIP.--"A City Clerk and a Naturalist" asks whether there is
+not a bird called the _ditto ditto_. Is he not thinking of our old
+acquaintance, the do-do?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO MAKE MONEY.--Get a situation in the Mint.--_Economist._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STRANGE COIN.--Forty _odd_ pounds!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MOMENTOUS QUESTION.--_Paterfamilias (who is just
+beginning to feel himself at home in his delightfully new suburban
+residence) interrupts the wife of his bosom._ "'Seaside!' 'Change of
+air!!' 'Out of town!!!' What nonsense, Anna Maria! Why, good gracious
+me! what on earth can you want to be going '_out of town_' for, when
+you've got such a garden as _this_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SUGGESTIVE
+
+_Dissipated Ballad Howler._ "Sweet spirit, 'ear my prayer!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CORRECTOR OF THE PRESS.--A policeman at a crowded crossing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEVER ON ITS LEGS.--The most constant faller in the metropolis: the
+Strand, because it is always being picked up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MARKETS.--There was a good deal of liveliness in hops, and a party
+of strangers, who seemed to act together, took off the contents of all
+the _pockets_ they could lay hold of. There was little doing in corn,
+and what barley came in was converted into barley-water for a large
+consumer. Peas were distributed freely in small samples through the
+market, by means of tin tubes; and as usual there was a good deal of
+roguery in grain, which it was found necessary to guard against.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FORTNIGHTLY REVIEW.--The account day on the Stock Exchange.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A REGULAR MAKE-SHIFT.--The sewing machine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CITY INTELLIGENCE.--We read, in a great aldermanic authority, that "a
+dinner is on the _tapis_." The _tapis_ alluded to is, of course,
+Gob'lin?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RESULT OF CARELESS BILL-POSTING]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SKETCH NEAR PICCADILLY]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MADAME CHRYSANTHEME
+
+(_With apologies to "Pierre Loti."_)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION.--_Mrs. Griddleton._ What are those square
+things, coachman, you put over the poor horse's eyes?
+
+_Driver._ Blinkers, ma'am.
+
+_Mrs. G._ Why do you put them on, coachman?
+
+_Driver._ To prevent the 'orse from blinking, ma'am.
+
+    [_Inquiry closed._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INSCRIPTION FOR STREET LETTER-BOXES.--"From Pillar to Post."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW THE TRUTH LEAKS OUT!
+
+SCENE--_Hyde Park. Time: Five o'clock._
+
+_Friend._ Any news? Anything in the papers?
+
+_Government Clerk._ Can't say. Haven't been to the office to-day, my
+boy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHY should a chimney-sweeper be a good whist player? Because he's always
+following soot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BUSINESS.--_Inquirer_ (_drawing up prospectus_). Shall I write "Company"
+with a big C?
+
+_Honest Broker._ Certainly, if it's a sound one, as it represents
+"Company" with a capital.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Shave, or hair cut, sir?"
+
+"_Corns_, you fool!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOT FOR JOSEPH!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PROOF POSITIVE
+
+_Old Lady._ "Do they sell good 'sperrits' at this 'ouse, mister?"
+
+'_Spectable-looking Man_ (_But_--). "Mos' d'schid'ly, look't (hic) me,
+mad'm--for shev'n p'nsh a'penny!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SINKING FUND.--The Royal Humane Society's income.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHREWD SUGGESTION.--It often happens, when the husband fails to be home
+to dinner, that it is one of his _fast_ days.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SCHOOL OF ADVERSITY.--A ragged school.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEVER WASTE YOUR TIME.--Waste somebody else's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEN OF _THE_ TIME.--Chronometer makers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MAN IN ADVANCE OF HIS TIME.--One who has been knocked into the middle
+of next week.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DEAF MAN'S PARADISE.--The Audit Office.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SITE FOR A RAGGED SCHOOL.--Tattersall's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STUFF AND NONSENSE.--A City Banquet, and the speeches after it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ZOOLOGY
+
+"That's a porkypine, Sarah."
+
+"No, it ain't, Bill. It's a orstridge!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FISH MARKET.--Flounders were of course flat, but to the surprise of
+everyone they showed an inclination to come round towards the afternoon,
+and there were one or two transactions in whelks, but they were all of a
+comparatively insignificant character. Lobsters' claws were lazy at the
+opening, but closed heavily; and those who had a hand in them would
+gladly have been released if such a course had been possible.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE BEST POLICY."--That with the largest bonus.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FALSE QUANTITY.--Short measure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN UNUSUAL FLOW OF SPIRITS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONSOLATION STAKES.--Those you get at a City tavern the day after you
+have tried to eat the article at home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A HORRIBLE BUSINESS.--_Master Butcher._ "Did you take old
+Major Dumbledore's ribs to No. 12?" _Boy._ "Yes, sir." _Master Butcher._
+"Then, cut Miss Wiggles's shoulder and neck, and hang Mr. Foodle's legs
+until they're quite tender!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Little Girl_ (_to Newsvendor, from whom she has just
+purchased the latest war special_). "'Ere's your _paper_! Father says,
+if you don't mind 'e 'd rather 'ave the bill, 'cos there's more news in
+it."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_from the country_). "Well, I never! And to
+think burglary should have become a regular respectable trade!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SPECULATOR'S APOLOGY.--You can't make the pot boil without bubbles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TABLE-TURNING.--Looking for a train in _Bradshaw_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ARMS FOR THE PROPOSED NEW WEST-END STOCK EXCHANGE
+
+(_To be placed over the principal entrance._)
+
+On a chevron _vert_, a pigeon plucked _proper_, between three rooks
+peckant, clawed and beaked _gules_. Crest: a head Semitic grimnant,
+winkant, above two pipes laid saltier-wise, _argent_, environed with a
+halo of bubbles _or_. Supporters: a bull and bear rampant _sable_,
+dented, hoofed and clawed _gules_. Motto: "Let us prey."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SENSITIVE PLANT.--"What, back in town already, old
+chappie?"
+
+"Yes, old chappie. Couldn't stand the country any longer. Cuckoo gave me
+the headache!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL NEWS
+
+Policeman O, No. I, has got such an accumulation of corn in bond, under
+a tight boot, that it is expected he will be allowed the benefit of
+nominal or fixed duty. He is one of the most extensive growers of corn
+in the kingdom, and always has on foot a prodigious quantity, which,
+when he is in competition with those who try to take advantage of his
+position, must naturally prevent him from striking the average.
+
+Onions were dull at fourpence a rope, and wild ducks were heavy, with
+sand inside, at three and sixpence a couple.
+
+A considerable deal of business was done in flat-irons on New Year's
+Day, and there was a trifling advance upon them everywhere.
+
+The dividends on pawnbrokers' stock were payable last week, but the
+defaulters were very numerous. A highly respectable party in the City,
+in order to provide for interest coming due, is understood to have
+funded the greater part of his summer wardrobe.
+
+Long fours, in the candle-market, were dull, but the ten and a half
+reduced rushlights brightened up towards the close of the day
+surprisingly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERSONS WHO WOULD BENEFIT BY CREMATION.--Charwomen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FORCED POLITENESS.--Bowing to circumstances.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NAME OF ILL OMEN.--Persons who are subject to fits of toothache, and
+do not wish to be reminded of their distressing malady, should avoid
+going down Long Acre.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PAWNBROKERS' "DUPLICATES."--Their twins.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAGIOLOGY ON 'CHANGE.--_The Brokers' Patron_--St. Simon Stock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR A TAILOR WHO MAKES COATS OF THE BEST ENDURING CLOTH.--_Fuimus,
+i.e., We Wear._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LICENSING SYSTEM.--The big brewer is a vulture, and the unpaid
+magistrate instrumental to his rapacity is that vulture's beak.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST NOTE PAPER.--Bank of England.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR
+
+_Cabby_ (_to Gent who has been dining out_). "'Ere y'are, sir. This is
+your 'ouse--get out--be careful, sir--'ere's the step?"
+
+_Gent._ "Yesh. Thash allri, but wersh my _feet?_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Employer_ (_who simply_ WON'T _take any excuse for
+unpunctuality_). "You are very late, Mr. Jones. Go back at once, and
+come at the proper time!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hairdresser._ "Hair begins to get very thin, sir."
+
+_Customer._ "Yes."
+
+_Hairdresser._ "Have you tried our tonic lotion?"
+
+_Customer._ "Yes. That didn't do it though."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I 'ear that Tholomon Arons 'as 'ad 'is shop burnt out!"
+
+"Well, 'e 'th a very good feller, Aronth ith. 'E detherves it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOW THE POOR LIVE
+
+The Rev. Mr. Smirk has brought an American millionaire friend to see for
+himself the distressed state of the poor of his parish.
+
+    [_He'll give them a little notice next time._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Workman._ "Wot's it say, Bill, on that old
+sun-dial?" _Second Workman_ (_reading deliberately_). "It says,
+'Do--to--day's-work--to--day.'" _First W._ "'_Do TWO days' work
+to-day!_' Wot O! Not me!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOCIAL EVOLUTION.--_Tramp_ (_to benevolent but
+inquisitive lady_).--"Well, you see, mum, it were like this. I were a
+'addick smoker by profession; then I got ill, and 'ad to go to the
+'orspital; then I sold cats meat; but some'ow or other I got into _low
+water_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Miss Smith._ "We've just come from Tannhauser, doctor."
+_The Doctor_ (_very deaf_). "Indeed! I hope you had better weather than
+we've been having!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FAMILIAR PHRASE EXPLAINED.
+
+_Robinson._ "Well, old chap, how did you sleep last night?"
+
+_Smith_ (_who had dined out_). "'Like a top.' As soon as my head touched
+the pillow, it went round and round!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Cab Tout._ "I say, Bill, lend me sixpence."
+
+_Cabby._ "I can't; but I can lend you fourpence."
+
+_Cab Tout._ "All right. Then you'l owe me twopence."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Barber._ "Your 'air's getting very thin on the top, sir.
+I should recommend our wash."
+
+_Customer._ "May I ask if that invigorating liquid is what _you_ have
+been in the habit of using?"
+
+    [_Dead silence._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOGGY WEATHER.--"Has Mr. Smith been here?"
+
+"Yes; he was here about an hour ago."
+
+"Was I with him?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIGHLY PROBABLE.--We understand that in consequence of the high price of
+meat, the Beef-eaters at the Tower have all turned vegetarians.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT MILLIONAIRES SMOKE.--Golden returns.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE UNIVERSAL WATCHWORD.--Tick!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Life in London, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON ***
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