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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Punch's Life in London + +Author: Various + +Editor: J. A. Hammerton + +Release Date: May 15, 2012 [EBook #39707] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_cover" id="Page_cover">[Cover]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i001.png"> +<img src="images/i001.png" width="100%" alt="cover"/></a> +</div> + +<h3>TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE.</h3> + +<p>Some pages of this work have been moved from the original sequence to enable +the contents to continue without interruption. The page numbering remains unaltered.</p> + +<h1>MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON</h1> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> + +<h4>PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR</h4> + +<h5>Edited by <span class="smcap">J. A. Hammerton</span></h5> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 20%"> +<a href="images/i002.png"> +<img src="images/i002.png" width="100%" alt="Mr P carrying bag"/></a> +</div> + +<br /><br /> + +<p>Designed to provide in a series of<br /> volumes, each complete in itself,<br /> the +cream of our national humour,<br /> contributed by the masters of comic<br /> +draughtsmanship and the leading wits<br /> of the age to "Punch," from its<br /> +beginning in 1841 to the present day.</p> + +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i003.png"> +<img src="images/i003.png" width="100%" alt="the Bank of England"/></a> +<p><i>Fussy Old Lady.</i> "Now, <i>don't</i> forget, conductor, I +<i>want the Bank of England</i>."</p> +<p><i>Conductor.</i> "<i>All</i> right, mum." (<i>Aside.</i>) "She <i>don't</i> want <i>much</i>, do +she, mate?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON</h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 15%"> +<a href="images/i004a.png"> +<img src="images/i004a.png" width="100%" alt="Mr Punch"/></a> +</div> + +<h4>AS PICTURED BY</h4> + +<p>PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, L. RAVEN-HILL, +J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, E. T. REED, G. D. ARMOUR, F. H. TOWNSEND, +FRED PEGRAM, C. E. BROCK, TOM BROWNE, A. S. BOYD, A. WALLIS MILLS, +STARR WOOD, DUDLEY HARDY, AND MANY OTHER HUMORISTS.</p> + +<center><i>IN 180 ILLUSTRATIONS</i></center> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 15%"> +<a href="images/i004b.png"> +<img src="images/i004b.png" width="100%" alt="Dog on ball"/></a> +</div> + +<h4>PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"</h4> + +<h3>THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.</h3> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p> + +<h3>THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR</h3> + +<center> +<i>Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo. 192 pages<br /> +fully illustrated</i><br /> +<br /> +LIFE IN LONDON<br /> +<br /> +COUNTRY LIFE<br /> +<br /> +IN THE HIGHLANDS<br /> +<br /> +SCOTTISH HUMOUR<br /> +<br /> +IRISH HUMOUR<br /> +<br /> +COCKNEY HUMOUR<br /> +<br /> +IN SOCIETY<br /> +<br /> +AFTER DINNER STORIES<br /> +<br /> +IN BOHEMIA<br /> +<br /> +AT THE PLAY<br /> +<br /> +MR. PUNCH AT HOME<br /> +<br /> +ON THE CONTINONG<br /> +<br /> +RAILWAY BOOK<br /> +<br /> +AT THE SEASIDE<br /> +<br /> +MR. PUNCH AFLOAT<br /> +<br /> +IN THE HUNTING FIELD<br /> +<br /> +MR. PUNCH ON TOUR<br /> +<br /> +WITH ROD AND GUN<br /> +<br /> +MR. PUNCH AWHEEL<br /> +<br /> +BOOK OF SPORTS<br /> +<br /> +GOLF STORIES<br /> +<br /> +IN WIG AND GOWN<br /> +<br /> +ON THE WARPATH<br /> +<br /> +BOOK OF LOVE<br /> +<br /> +WITH THE CHILDREN<br /> +</center> +<br /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i005.png"> +<img src="images/i005.png" width="100%" alt="SHAKESPEARE ON THE STREETS"/></a> +<h3>SHAKESPEARE ON THE STREETS</h3> +<center>(<i>See "King Henry the Fourth," Act III., Sc. 1.</i>)<br/><br/> +<i>Glendower</i> (<i>to Hotspur</i>). Cousin of many men, I do not bear these +crossings.</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i006.png"> +<img src="images/i006.png" width="100%" alt="crowd scene"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">A Sketch in Regent Street.</span></h3> +<center>Puzzle—On which side are the shop windows?</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ROUND THE TOWN</h2> + +<p>In the sixty-six years of his existence <span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span> has at one time or +another touched upon every phase of life in London. He has moved in high +society; he has visited the slums; he has been to the churches, the +theatres, the concert rooms; he has travelled on the railways, in the +'buses and the cabs; he has amused himself on 'Change; he has gone +shopping; he has lounged in the clubs, been a shrewd watcher and +listener at the Law Courts, dined in the hotels and restaurants, sat in +Parliament, made merry in the servants' hall, loitered along the +pavements with a quick eye and ear for the wit and humour of the +streets, and dropped in casually, a genial and observant visitor, at the +homes and haunts of all sorts and conditions of men and women.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span></p> + +<p>Obviously it is impossible that the fruits of all this adventuring could +be gathered into a single volume; some of them are garnered already in +other volumes of this series, in books that deal particularly with <span class="smcap">Mr. +Punch's</span> representations of what he has seen and heard of Society, of the +Cockney, of the Lawyers, of our Domestics, of Clubmen and Diners-out, of +the Theatres; therefore, in the present volume, we have limited him in +the main to his recollections of the actual civic life in London, to his +diversions on the Stock Exchange and in the Money Market generally, his +pictured and written quips and jests about London's businesses and +business men, with glimpses of what he knows of the variously dazzling +and more or less strenuous life that everywhere environs these.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i007.png"> +<img src="images/i007.png" width="100%" alt="Road up."/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Subject for a Decorative Panel.</span></h3> +<center>Road "up." Time—in the height of the season. Place—everywhere.</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 20%"> +<a href="images/i008.png"> +<img src="images/i008.png" width="100%" alt="MR. PUNCH"/></a> +</div> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON</h2> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The City "Article."</span>—Money.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">From the Streets.</span>—A street conjuror complained the other day that he +couldn't throw the knives and balls about, because he did not feel in +the vein.</p> + +<p>"In what vein?" asked a bystander, weakly.</p> + +<p>"The juggler vein, of course, stupid!" was the answer.</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>The bystander retired.</i></span><br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Light Employment.</span>—Cleaning windows.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>"<i>The Model Ready Reckoner.</i>"—The man with his last shilling.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Money-Market and City Intelligence.</span>—Operators for the rise—aeronauts; +likewise anglers.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">Just Off—the Bourse.</span>—<i>Stockbroker</i> (<i>to Client who has been pretty +well loaded with certain scrip</i>). Well, it just comes to this. Are you +prepared to go the whole hog or none?</p> + +<p><i>Client</i> (<i>timidly</i>). I think I'd rather go the none.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">What Colour should Parasites Dress in?</span>—Fawn.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<h3>HOUSEHOLD HINTS FOR ECONOMICAL MANAGERS</h3> + +<p><i>How to Obtain a good Serviceable Light Porter.</i>—Take a pint of stout, +and add a quart of spring water. There you have him.</p> + +<p><i>How to make Hats last.</i>—Make everything else first.</p> + +<p><i>How to Prevent Ale from Spoiling.</i>—Drink it.</p> + +<p><i>How to Avoid being Considered above your Business.</i>—Never live over +your shop.</p> + +<p><i>How to make your Servants rise.</i>—Send them up to sleep in the attics.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i009.png"> +<img src="images/i009.png" width="100%" alt="Bus Driver"/></a> +<p><i>Bus Driver</i> (<i>to charioteer of broken-down motor-car</i>). +"I've been tellin' yer all the week to taike it 'ome, an' now yer wants +to, yer cawn't!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE STREETS OF LONDON</h2> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The stately streets of London</p> +<p class="i2">Are always "up" in Spring,</p> +<p class="i0">To ordinary minds an ex-</p> +<p class="i2">traordinary thing.</p> +<p class="i0">Then cabs across strange ridges bound,</p> +<p class="i2">Or sink in holes, abused</p> +<p class="i0">With words resembling not, in sound,</p> +<p class="i2">Those Mrs. Hemans used.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The miry streets of London,</p> +<p class="i2">Dotted with lamps by night;</p> +<p class="i0">What pitfalls where the dazzled eye</p> +<p class="i2">Sees doubly ruddy light!</p> +<p class="i0">For in the season, just in May,</p> +<p class="i2">When many meetings meet,</p> +<p class="i0">The jocund vestry starts away,</p> +<p class="i2">And closes all the street.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The shut-up streets of London!</p> +<p class="i2">How willingly one jumps</p> +<p class="i0">From where one's cab must stop through pools</p> +<p class="i2">Of mud, in dancing pumps!</p> +<p class="i0">When thus one skips on miry ways</p> +<p class="i2">One's pride is much decreased,</p> +<p class="i0">Like Mrs. Gilpin's, for one's "chaise"</p> +<p class="i2">Is "three doors off" at least.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The free, fair streets of London</p> +<p class="i2">Long, long, in vestry hall,</p> +<p class="i0">May heads of native thickness rise,</p> +<p class="i2">When April showers fall;</p> +<p class="i0">And green for ever be the men</p> +<p class="i2">Who spend the rates in May,</p> +<p class="i0">By stopping all the traffic then</p> +<p class="i2">In such a jocose way!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i010.png"> +<img src="images/i010.png" width="100%" alt="Straphanger"/></a> +<p><i>Straphanger</i> (<i>in first-class compartment, to +first-class passenger</i>). "I say, guv'nor, 'ang on to this 'ere strap a +minute, will yer, while I get a light?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Gas-Fitter's Paradise.</span>—Berners Street.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">Civic Wit.</span>—A City friend of ours, who takes considerable interest in +the fattening of his fowls, alleges, as a reason, that he is an advocate +for widening the Poultry.</p> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">To Auctioneers.</span>—The regulations regarding sales are not to be found in +any <i>bye</i> laws.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">Poetry and Finance.</span>—Among all the quotations in all the money market +and City articles who ever met with a line of verse?</p> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Anything but an Alderman's Motto.</span>—"Dinner forget."</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Gentleman</span> who lives by his wits.—<i>Mr. Punch.</i></center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Definition.</span>—The Mansion House—A mayor's nest.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i011.png"> +<img src="images/i011.png" width="100%" alt="IN A TRAM-CAR"/></a> +<h3>IN A TRAM-CAR</h3> +<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>with smelly basket of fish</i>). "Dessay you'd rather 'ave a +gentleman settin' a-side of you?"</p> +<p><i>Gilded Youth</i> (<i>who has been edging away</i>). "Yes, I would."</p> +<p><i>Lady.</i> "Same'ere!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i012.png"> +<img src="images/i012.png" width="100%" alt="Inquisitive Guardian"/></a> +<p><i>Inquisitive Guardian.</i> "By the way, have you any +children?"</p> +<p><i>Applicant for Relief.</i> "No."</p> +<p><i>Guardian.</i> "But—er—surely I know a son of yours?"</p> +<p><i>Applicant.</i> "Well, I don't suppose you'd call a <i>child</i> children!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i013.png"> +<img src="images/i013.png" width="100%" alt="tuppence worth of butter"/></a> +<p>"Please, sir, tuppence worth of butter scrapin's, an' +mother says be sure they're all <i>clean</i>, 'cause she's expectin' +company."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i014.png"> +<img src="images/i014.png" width="100%" alt="UNCONSCIONABLE"/></a> +<h3>UNCONSCIONABLE</h3> +<p><i>Head of the Firm.</i> "Want a holiday!? Why, you've just been at home ill +for a month!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i015.png"> +<img src="images/i015.png" width="100%" alt="FORCE OF HABIT"/></a> +<h3>THE FORCE OF HABIT</h3> +<p><i>Traveller</i> (<i>suffering from the Heat of Weather, &c.</i>). "Wesh +Bromp'n—shingl'—cold 'th bit o' lemon—loo' sharp—'r else shan't kesh +my train!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE EXILED LONDONER</h2> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">I roam beneath a foreign sky,</p> +<p class="i2">That sky is cloudless, warm and clear;</p> +<p class="i0">And everything is glad but I;—</p> +<p class="i2">But ah! my heart is far from here.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">They bid me look on forests green,</p> +<p class="i2">And boundless prairies stretching far;</p> +<p class="i0">But I rejoice not in their sheen,</p> +<p class="i2">And longing turn to Temple Bar.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">They bid me list the torrent's roar,</p> +<p class="i2">In all its foaming, bounding pride;</p> +<p class="i0">But I, I only think the more</p> +<p class="i2">On living torrents in Cheapside!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">They bid me mark the mighty stream,</p> +<p class="i2">Which Mississippi rolls to sea;</p> +<p class="i0">But then I sink in pensive dream,</p> +<p class="i2">And turn my thoughts, dear Thames, to thee!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">They bid me note the mountains high,</p> +<p class="i2">Whose snow-capp'd peaks my prospect end;</p> +<p class="i0">I only heave a secret sigh—</p> +<p class="i2">To Ludgate Hill my wishes tend.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">They taunt me with our denser air,</p> +<p class="i2">And fogs so thick you scarce can see;</p> +<p class="i0">Then, yellow fog, I will declare,</p> +<p class="i2">Though strange to say, I long for thee.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">And everything in this bright clime</p> +<p class="i2">But serves to turn my thoughts to thee!</p> +<p class="i0">Thou, London, of an earlier time,</p> +<p class="i2">Oh! when shall I return to thee?</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i016.png"> +<img src="images/i016.png" width="100%" alt="how 'e's changed"/></a> +<p><i>Customer.</i> "That dog I bought last week has turned out +very savage. He's already bitten a little girl and a policeman, and——"</p> +<p><i>Dealer.</i> "Lor'! how 'e's changed, mum! He wasn't at all particular what +he ate 'ere!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p> + +<h3><span class="smcap">Panic in the City</span></h3> + +<p>TIME—3.30 P.M.</p> + +<p><i>Excited Stockbroker.</i>—By Jove! it's serious now.</p> + +<p><i>Other dittos.</i> Hey? what?</p> + +<p><i>Excited Stockbroker.</i> Rothschild's "gone"—</p> + +<p><i>Clients</i> (<i>new to City, thunderstruck</i>). <i>Gone!</i> Rothschild!!—but—</p> + +<p><i>Excited Stockbroker.</i> Yes. <i>Gone to Paris.</i></p> + +<p> [<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">What to Expect at an Hotel.</span>—Inn-attention.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Question for Lloyd's.</span>—Are sub-editors underwriters?</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Incidents of Taxation.</span>—Collectors and summonses.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">What a City Company does.</span>—It may not be generally known that the duty +of the Spectacle-makers is to get up the Lord Mayor's Show. Glasses +round, and then they proceed to business.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Impossible Phrase.</span>—The happy rich, the happy poor, both quite possible. +But, "the happy mean"—oh no—impossible.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Song for the Town-tied Sportsman.</span>—"How happy could I be with +<i>heather</i>!"</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i017.png"> +<img src="images/i017.png" width="100%" alt="Progress"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Progress.</span></h3> +<center>(<i>Overheard in Kensington.</i> Time, 9 A.M.).</center> +<p><i>Fair Club Member</i> (<i>lately married, to friend</i>). "Bye, bye! +Can't stop! Must rush off, or I shall be <i>scratched for the billiard +handicap</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i018.png"> +<img src="images/i018.png" width="100%" alt="on the pavement"/></a> +<p><i>Policeman</i> (<i>to slightly sober individual, who is +wobbling about in the road amongst the traffic</i>). "Come, old man, walk +on the pavement."</p> +<p><i>Slightly Sober Individual.</i> "<i>Pavement!</i> Who do you take me for? +<i>Blondin?</i>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i019.png"> +<img src="images/i019.png" width="100%" alt="SKETCHED IN OXFORD STREET"/></a> +<h3>SKETCHED IN OXFORD STREET</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Inscription to be placed over the Stock Exchange.</span>—"<i>Bear</i> and +for-<i>bear</i>."</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">The Price of Bread.</span>—Twists have taken a turn; and cottages have come +down in some places, owing to the falls of bricks, which continue to +give way rapidly. A baker near one of the bridges has not had a roll +over, which is to be accounted for by his having come down in regular +steps to a level with the lower class of consumers. Plaster of Paris is +in some demand, and there have been some mysterious transactions in +sawdust by the baker who liberally deals with the workhouse.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i020.png"> +<img src="images/i020.png" width="100%" alt="Chimney sweep"/></a> +<h3>SYMPHONY IN BLACK</h3> +<center>The vassal who does soot and service.</center> +</div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Official Order.</span>—All cabmen plying within hail are to be supplied with +umbrellas by Government.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i021.png"> +<img src="images/i021.png" width="100%" alt="It is in the safe"/></a> +<h3>HE DIDN'T MEAN TO LOSE THAT</h3> +<p>"Miffins, the book-keeper, tells me that you have lost the key of the +safe, and he cannot get at the books."</p> +<p>"Yes, sir, one of them. You gave me two, you remember."</p> +<p>"Yes; I had duplicates made in case of accident. And the other?"</p> +<p>"Oh, sir, I took care of that. I was afraid I might lose one of them, +you know."</p> +<p>"And is the other all right?"</p> +<p>"Yes, sir. I put it where there was no danger of it being lost. It is in +the safe, sir!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i022.png"> +<img src="images/i022.png" width="100%" alt="A NOVEMBER FOG"/></a> +<h3>IN A NOVEMBER FOG</h3> +<p><i>Frenchman</i> (<i>just arrived on his first visit to London</i>). "Ha, ha! my +frien', now I understan' vot you mean ven you say ze sun nevaire set in +your dominion, ma foi! <i>It does not rise!</i>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i023.png"> +<img src="images/i023.png" width="100%" alt="Thirsty Soul"/></a> +<h3>"NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND"</h3> +<p><i>Thirsty Soul</i> (<i>after several gyrations round the letter-box</i>). "I +sh'like t'know wha'-sh-'e good 'f gen'lem'n-sh turn'n tea-tot'ller 'f +gov'm'nt (<i>hic</i>) goes-h an' cut-sh th' shpouts-h o' th' <i>bumpsh</i> off!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE LONDONER'S DIARY</h2> + +<center>(<i>For August</i>)</center> + +<p><i>Monday.</i>—Got up at nine o'clock. Lounged to the park. No one there. +Went to bed at twelve.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Got up at ten o'clock. Walked to the House of Commons. +Closed. Went to bed at eleven.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday.</i>—Got up at eleven o'clock. Looked in at Prince's. Deserted. +Went to bed at ten.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—Got up at twelve o'clock. Strolled to the club. Shut up for +repairs. Went to bed at nine.</p> + +<p><i>Friday.</i>—Got up at one o'clock. Stayed at home. Dull. Went to bed at +eight.</p> + +<p><i>Saturday.</i>—Got up at five <span class="smcap">a.m.</span> Went out of town at six.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">The Reverse of the School for Scandal.</span>—A school in which very few +members of society are brought up—a charity school.</p> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i024.png"> +<img src="images/i024.png" width="100%" alt="Brixton Barber"/></a> +<h3>PAST RECLAIMING</h3> +<p><i>Brixton Barber.</i> "Revival seems to be in the hair, sir."</p> +<p><i>Customer.</i> "Not in <i>mine</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p> + +<h2>FOG</h2> + +<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Thou comest in familiar guise,</p> +<p class="i2">When in the morning I awake,</p> +<p class="i0">You irritate my throat and eyes,</p> +<p class="i2">I vow that life's a sad mistake.</p> +<p class="i0">You come to hang about my hair,</p> +<p class="i2">My much-enduring lungs to clog,</p> +<p class="i0">I feel you with me everywhere,</p> +<p class="i2">Our own peculiar London fog.</p> +<p class="i0">You clothe the City in such gloom,</p> +<p class="i2">We scarce can see across the street,</p> +<p class="i0">You seem to penetrate each room,</p> +<p class="i2">And mix with everything I eat.</p> +<p class="i0">I hardly dare to stir about,</p> +<p class="i2">But sit supine as any log;</p> +<p class="i0">You make it torture to go out,</p> +<p class="i2">Our own peculiar London fog.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The End of Table-turning.</span>—An inmate of a lunatic asylum, driven mad by +spiritualism, wishes to try to turn the multiplication table.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>"<span class="smcap">The Question of the Hour.</span>"—What o'clock is it?</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Perpetual Motion Discovered.</span>—The <i>winding</i> up of public companies.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Flies in Amber.</span>—Yellow cabs.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i025.png"> +<img src="images/i025.png" width="100%" alt="Wot's the matter with 'im"/></a> +<p><i>'Bus Driver</i> (<i>to Cabby, who is trying to lash his horse +into something like a trot</i>). "Wot's the matter with 'im, Willum? 'E +don't seem 'isself this mornin'. I believe you've bin an' changed 'is +milk!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i026.png"> +<img src="images/i026.png" width="100%" alt="A SKETCH FROM LIFE"/></a> +<h3>A SKETCH FROM LIFE</h3> +<p><i>Chorus</i> (<i>slow music</i>). "We're a rare old—fair old—rickety, rackety +crew!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i027.png"> +<img src="images/i027.png" width="100%" alt="During the Hot Spell"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>In a 'Bus.</i></h3> +<center><span class="smcap">Time</span>—<i>During the Hot Spell.</i></center><br /> +<p><i>First City Man.</i> "D——d hot, isn't—— I—I beg your pardon, madam, +I—I quite forgot there was a lady pres——"</p> +<p><i>Stout Party.</i> "Don't apologise. It's much worse than that!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE CAPITALISTS</h2> + +<center>(<i>A Story of Yesterday for To-morrow and To-day</i>)</center> + +<p>"What, Brown, my boy, is that you?" said Smith, heartily.</p> + +<p>"The same, and delighted to see you," was the reply.</p> + +<p>"Have you heard the news, my dear fellow?" asked Smith.</p> + +<p>"You mean about the position of the Bank of England? Why, certainly; all +the City is talking about it."</p> + +<p>"Ah, it is absolutely grand! Never was the Old Lady of Threadneedle +Street in such a strong position. Marvellous! my dear friend; absolutely +marvellous!"</p> + +<p>"Quite so. Never were we—as a people—so rich!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, prosperity seems to be coming back by leaps and bounds."</p> + +<p>"You never said anything so true," observed Smith.</p> + +<p>"Right you are," cried Brown.</p> + +<p>And then the two friends shook hands once<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> more with increased +cordiality, and passed on. They walked in different directions a few +steps, and both stopped. They turned round.</p> + +<p>"Smith," said Brown, "I have to ask you a trifling favour."</p> + +<p>"Brown, it is granted before I know its purport."</p> + +<p>"Well, the truth is, I am penniless—lend me half-a-crown."</p> + +<p>Smith paused for a moment.</p> + +<p>"You surely do not wish to refuse me?" asked Brown in a tone of pained +surprise.</p> + +<p>"I do not, Smith," replied his friend, with fervour. "Indeed, I do not!"</p> + +<p>"Then produce the two-and-sixpence."</p> + +<p>"I would, my dear fellow, if in the wide world I could raise it!"</p> + +<p>And then the ancient comrades shook hands once again, and parted in +sorrow, but not in anger. They felt that after all they were only in the +fashion.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i028.png"> +<img src="images/i028.png" width="100%" alt="A NEGLECTED INDUSTRY"/></a> +<h3>A NEGLECTED INDUSTRY</h3> +<p>"'Ow are yer gettin' on, Bill?"</p> +<p>"Ain't gettin' on at all. I'm beginnin' to think as the publick doesn't +know what they wants!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h3><span class="smcap">Too Common a Thing.</span></h3> +<p>A member of a limited liability company in a bad way, said he should turn itinerant preacher. +He was asked why? He said he had had a call.</p> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i029.png"> +<img src="images/i029.png" width="100%" alt="Country Cousin"/></a> +<p><i>Country Cousin.</i> "Do you stop at the Cecil?"</p> +<p><i>'Bus Driver.</i> "<i>Do</i> I stop at the Cecil!—<i>on twenty-eight bob a +week</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i030.png"> +<img src="images/i030.png" width="100%" alt="Frightful Levity"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Frightful Levity.</span></h3> +<p><i>Bus-Driver.</i> "Hullo, gov'nour; got any room?"</p> +<p><i>Policeman, Driving Van</i> (<i>with great want of self-respect</i>). +"Just room for one; saved a place a purpose for you, sir."</p> +<p><i>Bus-Driver.</i> "What's yer fare?"</p> +<p><i>Policeman.</i> "Bread and water; same as you had afore!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i031.png"> +<img src="images/i031.png" width="100%" alt="A Misunderstanding"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">A Misunderstanding.</span></h3> +<p><i>Old Gent.</i> (<i>evidently from the Shires</i>). "Hi! hoy! stop!"</p> +<p><i>Conductor.</i> "'Old 'ard Bill!" (<i>To Old Gent.</i>) "Where are yer for, sir?"</p> +<p><i>Old Gent.</i> (<i>panting in pursuit</i>). +"Here!—let's have a—box o' them—<i>safety matches</i>!"</p> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Objurgations!</i></span><br /> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p> + +<h3>ON THE SPECULATIVE BUILDER</h3> + +<div class="poem w32"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">He's the readiest customer living,</p> +<p class="i2">While you're lending, or spending or giving;</p> +<p class="i0">But when you'd make profit, or get back your own,</p> +<p class="i2">He's the awkwardest customer ever you've known.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Favourite Song on the Stock Exchange.</span>—"<i>Oh! what a difference in the +morning!</i>"</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Real "Bitter" Cry of London.</span>—The demand for Bass and Allsopp.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Cabby</span> calls the new auto-cars his motormentors.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i032.png"> +<img src="images/i032.png" width="100%" alt="Hair cut, sir"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Thorough!</span></h3> +<p><i>Hairdresser</i> (<i>to perspiring Customer during +the late hot weather</i>). "'Hair cut, sir?"</p> +<p><i>Stout Party</i> (<i>falling into the chair, exhausted</i>). "Ye——"</p> +<p><i>Hairdresser.</i> "Much off, sir?"</p> +<p><i>Stout Party.</i> "(<i>Phew!</i>) Cut it to the bone!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i033.png"> +<img src="images/i033.png" width="100%" alt="DIVERTING THE TRAFFIC"/></a> +<h3>DIVERTING THE TRAFFIC!</h3> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Thing to Throw Light on Spiritualistic Séances.</span>—A spirit-lamp.</center> +</div> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Ruling Passion.</span>—A great financial reformer is so devoted to figures +that when he has nothing else to do he casts up his eyes.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Bubble Concerns.</span>—Aërated water companies.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p> + +<h2>NEW LONDON STREET DIRECTORY</h2> + +<p><i>Adam Street.</i>—Antediluvian anecdotes and traditions still linger here.</p> + +<p><i>Air Street.</i>—Doctors send their patients to this locality for change.</p> + +<p><i>Aldermanbury.</i>—Visited by numbers of bereaved relatives.</p> + +<p><i>Amwell Street.</i>—Always healthy.</p> + +<p><i>Barking Alley.</i>—To be avoided in the dog days.</p> + +<p><i>Boy Court.</i>—Not far from Child's Place.</p> + +<p><i>Camomile Street.</i>—See Wormwood Street.</p> + +<p><i>Coldbath Square.</i>—Very bracing.</p> + +<p><i>Distaff Lane.</i>—Full of spinsters.</p> + +<p><i>Farm Street.</i>—Highly sensitive to the fluctuations of the corn market.</p> + +<p><i>Fashion Street.</i>—Magnificent sight in the height of the season.</p> + +<p><i>First Street.</i>—Of immense antiquity.</p> + +<p><i>Friday Street.</i>—Great jealousy felt by all the other days of the +week.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Garlick Hill.</i>—Make a little <i>détour</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Glasshouse Street.</i>—Heavily insured against hailstorms.</p> + +<p><i>Godliman Street.</i>—Irreproachable.</p> + +<p><i>Great Smith Street.</i>—Which of the Smiths is this?</p> + +<p><i>Grundy Street.</i>—Named after that famous historic character—Mrs. +Grundy.</p> + +<p><i>Hercules Buildings.</i>—Rich in traditions and stories of the "Labours" +of the Founder.</p> + +<p><i>Homer Street.</i>—Literally classic ground. The house pointed out in +connection with "the blind old bard" has long since disappeared.</p> + +<p><i>Idol Lane.</i>—Where are the Missionaries?</p> + +<p><i>Ivy Lane.</i>—This, and Lillypot Lane, and Woodpecker Lane, and +Wheatsheaf Yard, and White Thorn Street, all sweetly rural. It is +difficult to make a selection.</p> + +<p><i>Lamb's Conduit Street.</i>—Touching description (by the oldest +inhabitant) of the young lambs coming to drink at the conduit.</p> + +<p><i>Liquorpond Street.</i>—See Philpot Lane.</p> + +<p><i>Love Lane.</i>—What sort of love? The "love of the turtle?"</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p> + +<table summary="two streets"> +<tr><td><i>Lupus Street.</i></td><td></td><td></td></tr> +<tr><td></td><td> <span class="brk">}</span></td><td>Both dangerous.</td><td></td></tr> +<tr><td><i>Maddox Street.</i></td><td></td><td></td></tr> +</table> + +<p><i>Milk Street.</i>—Notice the number of pumps.</p> + +<p><i>Mincing Lane.</i>—Mincing is now mostly done elsewhere, by machinery.</p> + +<p><i>Orchard Street.</i>—The last apple was gathered here about the time that +the last coursing match took place in Hare Court.</p> + +<p><i>Paper Buildings.</i>—Wonderfully substantial! Brief paper extensively +used in these buildings.</p> + +<table summary="More streets"> +<tr><td><i>Paradise Street.</i></td><td></td><td></td></tr> +<tr><td></td><td><span class="brk">}</span></td> +<td>Difficult to choose between the two.</td></tr> +<tr><td><i>Peerless Street.</i></td><td></td></tr> +</table> +<br /> +<table summary="Yet more streets"> +<tr><td><i>Poultry.</i></td><td></td></tr> +<tr><td></td><td> <span class="brk">}</span></td><td>Crowded at Christmas.</td></tr> +<tr><td><i>Pudding Lane.</i></td><td></td></tr> +</table> + +<p><i>Quality Court.</i>—Most aristocratic.</p> + +<p><i>Riches Court.</i>—Not a house to be had for love or money.</p> + +<p><i>Shepherdess Walk.</i>—Ought to be near Shepherds' Bush.</p> + +<p><i>Trump Street.</i>—Noted for whist.</p> + +<p><i>Type Street.</i>—Leaves a most favourable impression.</p> + +<p><i>World's End Passage.</i>—Finis.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i034.png"> +<img src="images/i034.png" width="100%" alt="Befogged Pedestrian"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">A Qualified Guide.</span></h3> +<p><i>Befogged Pedestrian.</i> "Could you direct me to the river, please?"</p> +<p><i>Hatless and Dripping Stranger.</i> "Straight ahead. I've just come from it!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i035.png"> +<img src="images/i035.png" width="100%" alt="FASHIONABLE AND SEASONABLE"/></a> +<h3>FASHIONABLE AND SEASONABLE.</h3> +<p>Where to sup <i>al fresco</i> in the hottest weather. The "<i>Whelkome</i> Club"]</p> +</div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>"<span class="smcap">The Round of the Restaurants.</span>"—Beef.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i036.png"> +<img src="images/i036.png" width="100%" alt="Sacrifice"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Sacrifice.</span></h3> +<p><i>Good Templar.</i> "Tut—t—t—really, Swizzle, +it's disgraceful to see a man in your position in this state, after the +expense we've incurred and the exertions we've used to put down the +liquor traffic!"</p> +<p><i>Swizzle.</i> "Y' may preash as mush as y' like, +gen'l'm'n, bur I can tell y' I've made more persh'nal efforsh to (<i>hic</i>) +purrown liquor than any of ve!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p> + +<h2>A LONDON FOG</h2> + +<div class="poem w36"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">A fog in London daytime like the night is,</p> +<p class="i2">Our fellow-creatures seem like wandering ghosts,</p> +<p class="i0">The dull mephitic cloud will bring bronchitis;</p> +<p class="i2">You cannon into cabs or fall o'er posts.</p> +<p class="i0">The air is full of pestilential vapours,</p> +<p class="i2">Innumerable "blacks" come with the smoke;</p> +<p class="i0">The thief and rough cut unmolested capers,</p> +<p class="i2">In truth a London fog's no sort of joke.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">You rise by candle-light or gaslight, swearing</p> +<p class="i2">There never was a climate made like ours;</p> +<p class="i0">If rashly you go out to take an airing,</p> +<p class="i2">The soot-flakes come in black plutonian show'rs.</p> +<p class="i0">Your carriage wildly runs into another,</p> +<p class="i2">No matter though you go at walking pace;</p> +<p class="i0">You meet your dearest friend, or else your brother</p> +<p class="i2">And never know him, although face to face.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The hours run on, and night and day commingle,</p> +<p class="i2">Unutterable filth is in the air;</p> +<p class="i0">You're much depressed, e'en in the fire-side ingle,</p> +<p class="i2">The hag dyspepsia seems everywhere.</p> +<p class="i0">Your wild disgust in vain you try to bridle,</p> +<p class="i2">Mad as March hare or hydrophobic dog,</p> +<p class="i0">You feel, in fact, intensely suicidal:</p> +<p class="i2">Such things befall us in a London fog!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The most Loyal of Cup-bearers.</span>—A blind man's dog.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i037.png"> +<img src="images/i037.png" width="100%" alt="Not quite what he meant"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Not quite what he meant.</span></h3> +<p><i>Joan</i> (<i>on her annual Spring visit to London</i>). "There, John, I think +that would suit me."</p> +<p><i>Darby</i> (<i>grumblingly</i>). "<i>That</i>, Maria? Why, a pretty figure it would +come to!"</p> +<p><i>Joan.</i> "Ah, John dear, you're always so complimentary! I'll go and ask +the price."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p> + +<h2>STARTING A SYNDICATE</h2> + +<center>A Serio-Comic Interlude<br /><br /> + +<span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>An Office in the City.</i> <span class="smcap">Time</span>—<i>After Lunch.</i><br /><br /> + +<span class="smcap">Present</span>—<i>Members of a proposed Syndicate.</i></center> + +<p><i>First Member.</i> And now, gentlemen, to business. I suppose we may put +down the capital at fifty thousand?</p> + +<p><i>Second Mem.</i> Better make it five hundred thousand. Half a million is so +much easier to get.</p> + +<p><i>Third Mem.</i> Of course. Who would look at a paltry fifty?</p> + +<p><i>First Mem.</i> Perhaps you are right. Five pound shares, eh?</p> + +<p><i>Fourth Mem.</i> Better make them sovereigns. Simpler to manipulate.</p> + +<p><i>First Mem.</i> I daresay. Then the same solicitors as our last?</p> + +<p><i>Fifth Mem.</i> Yes, on the condition that they get a firm to undertake the +underwriting.</p> + +<p><i>First Mem.</i> Necessarily. The firm I propose, gentlemen, are men of +business, and quite recognise that nothing purchases nothing.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Second Mem.</i> And they could get the secretary with a thousand to +invest.</p> + +<p><i>First Mem.</i> Certainly. Our brokers, bankers, and auditors as before. +Eh, gentlemen?</p> + +<p><i>Fifth Mem.</i> On the same conditions.</p> + +<p><i>First Mem.</i> That is understood. And now the prospectus is getting into +shape. Is there anything else anyone can suggest?</p> + +<p><i>Fourth Mem.</i> Oughtn't we to have some object in view?</p> + +<p><i>First Mem.</i> Assuredly. Making money.</p> + +<p><i>Fourth Mem.</i> Don't be frivolous. But what I mean is, should we not know +for what purpose we are going to expend the half million?</p> + +<p><i>First Mem.</i> Oh, you mean the name. Well, that comparatively unimportant +detail we might safely leave until our next pleasant gathering.</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Meeting adjourned.</i></span><br /> + +<center><i>Curtain.</i></center> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h3><span class="smcap">In Extremis.</span></h3> +<center>That man is indeed hard up who cannot get credit even for +good intentions.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<h3>"<span class="smcap">Walker!</span>"</h3> +<center>How unfair to sneer at the City tradesmen for being above +their business, when so few of them live over their shops!</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i038.png"> +<img src="images/i038.png" width="100%" alt="snapshot in the suburbs"/></a> +<p>An early morning snapshot in the suburbs. Mr. Bumpus +dresses his window.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i039.png"> +<img src="images/i039.png" width="100%" alt="METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS"/></a> +<h3>METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS</h3> +<center>Proposed elevated roadway for perambulators</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p> + +<h2>EXAMINATION FOR A DIRECTORSHIP</h2> + +<center>(<i>From "The City Man's Vade Mecum"</i>)</center> +<br /> +<p><i>Promoter.</i> Are you a gentleman of blameless reputation?</p> + +<p><i>Candidate.</i> Certainly, and I share that reputation with a dozen +generations of ancestors.</p> + +<p><i>Promoter.</i> And no doubt you are the soul of honour?</p> + +<p><i>Candidate.</i> That is my belief—a belief shared by all my friends and +acquaintances.</p> + +<p><i>Promoter.</i> And I think, before taking up finance, you have devoted a +long life to the service of your country?</p> + +<p><i>Candidate.</i> That is so. My career has been rewarded by all kinds of +honours.</p> + +<p><i>Promoter.</i> And there is no particular reason why you should dabble in +Stock Exchange matters?</p> + +<p><i>Candidate.</i> None that I know of—save, perhaps, to serve a friend.</p> + +<p><i>Promoter.</i> Now, be very careful. Do you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> know anything whatever about +the business it is proposed you should superintend?</p> + +<p><i>Candidate.</i> Nothing whatever. I know nothing absolutely about business.</p> + +<p><i>Promoter.</i> Then I have much pleasure in informing you that you have +been unanimously elected a member of the board of management!</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Scene closes in until the public demands further information.</i></span><br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i040.png"> +<img src="images/i040.png" width="100%" alt="where I'll be respected"/></a> +<p>"<i>Perfeck Lidy</i>" (<i>who has just been ejected</i>). "Well, +<i>next</i> time I goes into a publickouse, I'll go somewhere where I'll be +<i>respected</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>RIDDLE FOR THE CITY</h3> + +<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Oh! why, my friend, is a joint stock</p> +<p class="i0">Concern like, yet unlike, a clock?</p> +<p class="i0">Because it may be wound up; when,</p> +<p class="i0">Alas! it doesn't go again.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Seat of Impudence.</span>—A cabman's box.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Song of Suburban Householders awaiting the Advent of the Dustman.</span>—"We +<i>always</i> use a big, big D!"</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Floating Capital Joke.</span>—When may a man be said to be literally +immersed in business?—When he's giving a swimming lesson.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Cheerful Investment.</span>—A laughing-stock.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i041.png"> +<img src="images/i041.png" width="100%" alt="Bread's gone up to-day"/></a> +<p><i>Baker.</i> "I shall want another ha'penny. Bread's gone up +to-day."</p> +<p><i>Boy.</i> "Then give us one of yesterday's."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p> + +<h2>WHY I AM IN TOWN</h2> + +<p>Because I have long felt a strong desire to know by personal experiment +what London is like at this season of the year.</p> + +<p>Because the house requires some repairs, and I am anxious to be on the +spot to look after the workpeople.</p> + +<p>Because the progress of my book on Universal Eccentricity renders it +necessary that I should pay frequent visits to the library of the +British Museum.</p> + +<p>Because I have been everywhere, and know every place.</p> + +<p>Because the sanitary condition of the only place I at all care to go to +is not altogether satisfactory.</p> + +<p>Because my Uncle Anthony is expected home every day from Australia, and +I am unwilling to be absent from town when he arrives.</p> + +<p>Because my cousin Selina is going to be married from her stepfather's at +Upper Clapton, and insists on my giving her away to the gentleman with +whom she is about to penetrate into the interior of Africa.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p> + +<p>Because I am desirous to avail myself of this opportunity of completing +some statistical tables I am compiling, showing the comparative numbers +of horses, carriages, and pedestrians passing my dining-room windows on +the last Saturday in May and the last Saturday in August respectively.</p> + +<p>Because my eldest son is reading with a private tutor for his army +examination, and I feel I am of some use to him in his studies.</p> + +<p>Because my Aunt Philippa is detained in town by an attack of gout, and +expects me to call and sit with her three times a day.</p> + +<p>Because I am determined to put into execution my long-cherished design +of thoroughly exploring the British Museum, the National Gallery, the +South Kensington Museum, St. Paul's, Westminster Abbey, the public +monuments, and the City churches.</p> + +<p>Because it is pecuniarily inconvenient to me to be anywhere else.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h3><span class="smcap">Notice.</span></h3> +<p>The gentleman who, the other day, ran away from home, without +stopping to take his breath, is requested to fetch it as quickly as +possible.</p> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i042.png"> +<img src="images/i042.png" width="100%" alt="Fogged"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Fogged.</span></h3> +<p><i>Cabman</i> (<i>who thinks he has been passing a line +of linkmen</i>). "Is this right for Paddington?"</p> +<p><i>Linkman.</i> "'Course it is! +First to the right and straight on. 'Aven't I told ye that three times +already? Why, you've been drivin' round this square for the last 'arf +hour!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i043.png"> +<img src="images/i043.png" width="100%" alt="Virtuous Indignation"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Virtuous Indignation.</span></h3> +<p><i>Betting Man</i> (<i>to his Partner</i>). +"Look 'ere, Joe! I 'ear you've been gamblin' on the Stock Exchange! Now, +a man <i>must</i> draw the line <i>somewhere</i>; and if that kind of thing goes +on, you and me will 'ave to part company!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p> + +<h2>MISNOMERS</h2> + +<div class="poem w32"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">You start a company to make it go,</p> +<p class="i2">It fails, and so you drop it;</p> +<p class="i0">It didn't go but yet has gone, and so</p> +<p class="i2">You wind it up to stop it.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Stocks in your garden you will surely find</p> +<p class="i2">By want of rain are slaughtered;</p> +<p class="i0">Yet many stocks have languished and declined</p> +<p class="i2">Because they have been watered.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Suppose a company for brewing beer</p> +<p class="i2">Should come to a cessation—</p> +<p class="i0">That is—"dry up" 'tis curious to hear</p> +<p class="i2">It's called "in liquidation."</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h3><span class="smcap">Prehistoric London.</span></h3> +<p>Some archæologists have discovered an analogy +between the druidical worship and a form of semitic idolatry. It has +been surmised that the Old Bailey derives its name from having been the +site of a temple of Baal.</p> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">The Rule of Rome.</span>—An "Inquiring City Clerk," fresh from his Roman +history, writes to ask if "S.P.Q.R." stands for "Small profits, quick +returns."</p> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Temperance Public-house.</span>—A slop-shop.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i044.png"> +<img src="images/i044.png" width="100%" alt="MELTING MOMENTS"/></a> +<h3>MELTING MOMENTS</h3> +<center>(<i>Temperature 95° in the Shade.</i>)</center><br /> +<p><i>Friend.</i> "How does this weather suit you, old chap?"</p> +<p><i>Bankrupt Proprietor.</i> "Oh, down to the ground! You see, I'm in +liquidation!</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Original Cook's Tourist.</span>—Policeman X on his beat.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>"<span class="smcap">The Great Plague of London.</span>"—A barrel-organ.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Latest Thing Out.</span>—The night-light.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i045.png"> +<img src="images/i045.png" width="100%" alt="How much do you require"/></a> +<p><i>Johnny</i> (<i>who has to face a bad Monday, to Manager at +Messrs. R-thsch-ld's</i>). "Ah! I—want to—ah!—see you about an +overdraft." <i>Manager.</i> "How much do you require?" <i>Johnny.</i> "Ah!—how +much have you got?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i046.png"> +<img src="images/i046.png" width="100%" alt="French Lady"/></a> +<br /> +<p><i>French Lady.</i> "Picca-di-lee Circus." <i>Obliging +Conductor.</i> "All right. One pence." <i>French Lady</i> (<i>who rather prides +herself on her English pronunciation</i>). "I anterstond ze Engleeshe +langue." <i>Obliging Conductor.</i> "Oh, all right. Keep yer 'air on!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Most Unpleasant Meeting.</span>—Having to meet a bill.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">What</span> intimate connection is there between the lungs of London and the +lights of the metropolis?</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Saw for Slop Tailors.</span>—Ill tweeds shrink apace.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Tissue of Lies.</span>—A forged bank-note.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p> + +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Nice Investment.</span>—Amongst the advertisements of new undertakings we +notice one of "The Universal Disinfector Company." Our broker has +instructions to procure us some shares, if they are in good odour.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Tight Fit.</span>—Intoxication.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">How to Supply St. Paul's with Bells and Chimes</span> <i>Cheap</i>.—Melt down the +canons.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Thought from our Tub.</span>—Respect everybody's feelings. If you wish to +have your laundress's address, avoid asking her where she "hangs out."</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Hard Lines.</span>—Overhead wires.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Hotel for Bee-Fanciers.</span>—The Hum-mums.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Unprecedented Trade Announcement.</span>—The pig-market was quiet.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Money Market and Sanitary Intelligence.</span>—The unsafest of all deposits is +the deposit of the banks of the Thames.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Place to Spend All Fools' Day.</span>—<i>Madame Tous-sots'.</i></center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i047.png"> +<img src="images/i047.png" width="100%" alt="You're quite safe"/></a> +<br /> +<p><i>Bus-driver.</i> "All right, ladies! You're quite safe. +They're werry partikler wot they eats!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i048.png"> +<img src="images/i048.png" width="100%" alt="METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS"/></a> +<h3>METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS</h3> +<p>The next sensational literary advertisement; or, things of beauty in our +streets.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Solemn Jest.</span>—Where should postmen be buried? In a post-crypt.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Blunder-Bus.</span>—One that takes you to Holborn when you want to go to the +Bank.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Epitaph for a Stockbroker.</span>—"Waiting for a rise."</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Board Wages.</span>—Directors' fees.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p> + +<h2>STOCK EXCHANGE</h2> + +<center><i>Illustrated by Dumb-Crambo, Junior</i></center> +<br /> +<table summary="cartoons"> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i049a.png"> +<img src="images/i049a.png" width="100%" alt="Carrying over"/></a> +<h3>Carrying over</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i049b.png"> +<img src="images/i049b.png" width="100%" alt="Market falling"/></a> +<h3>Market falling</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i049c.png"> +<img src="images/i049c.png" width="100%" alt="Market firm"/></a> +<h3>Market firm</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i049d.png"> +<img src="images/i049d.png" width="100%" alt="Preparing for a rise"/></a> +<h3>Preparing for a rise</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i049e.png"> +<img src="images/i049e.png" width="100%" alt="Arranging for a fall"/></a> +<h3>Arranging for a fall</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i049f.png"> +<img src="images/i049f.png" width="100%" alt="Home securities flat"/></a> +<h3>Home securities flat</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p> + +<h3>A NEW WAY TO GET A FRESH APPETITE</h3> +<center>(<i>A real bit from life at a City company's dinner</i>)</center> +<br /> +<p><i>Young Visitor.</i> Really, sir, you must excuse me. I am compelled to +refuse.</p> +<p><i>Old Alderman</i> (<i>with profound astonishment</i>). What, refuse these +beautiful grouse? It's impossible!</p> +<p><i>Young Visitor.</i> It <i>is</i> impossible, I can assure you, sir. I cannot eat +any more.</p> +<p><i>Old Alderman</i> (<i>tenderly</i>). Come, come. I tell you what now. Just take +my advice, and <i>try a cold chair</i>.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Design for a Paper-Weight.</span>—The portrait of a gentleman waiting for the +<i>Times</i>.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Best "Financial Relations."</span>—Our "uncles."</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">At the Angel Court Kitchen.</span>—<i>Stranger</i> (<i>to Eminent Financier</i>). Why +did you call that man at the bar "the Microbe"?<br /> + +<i>Eminent Financier.</i> Because he's "in everything."</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Ground Rents.</span>—The effects of an earthquake.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i050.png"> +<img src="images/i050.png" width="100%" alt="Following the Fashion"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Following the Fashion.</span></h3> +<p><i>Baked-Tater Merchant.</i> "'Ow's +trade! Why fust-rate!! I'm a-goin' to conwert the bis'ness into a +limited liability comp'ny—and retire into private life!!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p> + +<h2>SONGS OF THE STREETS</h2> + +<center>UPON THE KERB</center> +<br /> +<div class="poem w32"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Upon the kerb a maiden neat—</p> +<p class="i0">Her watchet eyes are passing sweet—</p> +<p class="i2">There stands and waits in dire distress:</p> +<p class="i2">The muddy road is pitiless,</p> +<p class="i0">And 'buses thunder down the street!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">A snowy skirt, all frill and pleat;</p> +<p class="i0">Two tiny, well-shod, dainty feet</p> +<p class="i2">Peep out, beneath her kilted dress,</p> +<p class="i8">Upon the kerb!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">She'll first advance and then retreat,</p> +<p class="i0">Half frightened by a hansom fleet.</p> +<p class="i2">She looks around, I must confess,</p> +<p class="i2">With marvellous coquettishness!—</p> +<p class="i0">Then droops her eyes and looks discreet,</p> +<p class="i8">Upon the kerb!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>Definition of "<span class="smcap">The Happy Mean</span>."—A joyful miser.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">To People Down in the World.</span>—Try the new hotels: they will give you a +lift.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">What</span> is the best thing to do in a hurry? Nothing.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i051.png"> +<img src="images/i051.png" width="100%" alt="Handy with his feet"/></a> +<center><i>Sarah</i> (<i>to Sal</i>). "Lor! ain't 'e 'andy with 'is feet!"</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p> + +<h2>PUNCH'S COUNTRY COUSIN'S GUIDE</h2> + +<center><span class="smcap">The Metropolis in the <i>Morte Saison</i></span></center> + +<p>8 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—Rise, as in the country, and stroll round the squares before +breakfast, to see the turn out of cooks and charwomen. Ask your way back +of the first policeman you meet.</p> + +<p>9 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—Breakfast. First taste of London milk and butter. Analyse, if +not in a hurry. Any policeman will show you the nearest chemist.</p> + +<p>10 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—To Battersea Park to see carpets beaten. Curious atmospheric +effects observable in the clouds of dust and the language of the +beaters. Inquire your road of any policeman.</p> + +<p>11 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—Take penny steamer up to Westminster Bridge, in time to arrive +at Scotland Yard, and inspect the police as they start on their various +beats. For any information, inquire of the inspector.</p> + +<p>12 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>—Hansom cab races. These can be viewed at any hour by standing +still at a hundred yards from any cabstand and holding up a shilling.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> +An amusing sequel may be enjoyed by referring all the drivers to the +nearest policeman.</p> + +<p>1 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>—Observe the beauties of solitude among the flowers in Hyde Park. +Lunch at the lodge on curds and whey. Ask the whey of the park keeper.</p> + +<p>2 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>—Visit the exhibitions of painting on the various scaffoldings in +Belgravia. Ask the next policeman if the house painters are Royal +Academicians. Note what he says.</p> + +<p>3 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>—Look at the shops in Bond Street and Regent Street, and purchase +the dummy goods disposed of at an awful sacrifice.</p> + +<p>4 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>—See the stickleback fed at the Westminster Aquarium. If nervous +at being alone, ask the policeman in waiting to accompany you over the +building.</p> + +<p>5 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>—Find a friend still in town to give you five o'clock tea in her +back drawing-room—the front of the house being shut up.</p> + +<p>6 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>—Back to the park. Imagine the imposing cavalcades in Rotten Row +(now invisible), with the aid of one exercising groom and the two +daughters of a riding-master in full procession.</p> + +<p>7 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>—Wake up the waiters at the Triclinium<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> Restaurant, and persuade +them to warm up dinner for your benefit.</p> + +<p>8 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>—Perambulate the Strand, and visit the closed doors of the +various theatres. Ask the nearest policeman for his opinion on London +actors. You will find it as good as a play.</p> + +<p>9 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>—A Turkish bath may be had in Covent Garden Theatre. Towels or +programmes are supplied by the policemen at the doors.</p> + +<p>10 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>—Converse, before turning in, with the policeman on duty or the +fireman in charge of the fire-escape. Much interesting information may +be obtained in this way.</p> + +<p>11 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>—Supper at the cabmen's shelter, or the coffee stall corner of +Hyde Park. Get a policeman to take you home to bed.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i052.png"> +<img src="images/i052.png" width="100%" alt="Is it hurt"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>Benevolent Old Gentleman.</i> "<i>Poor</i> little thing! Is it +hurt?"</p><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>But it was only the week's washing.</i></span><br /> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i053.png"> +<img src="images/i053.png" width="100%" alt="Amenities of the road"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Amenities of the road.</span></h3> +<p><i>Robert.</i> "Now then, four-wheeler, why couldn't you pull up sooner? Didn't you see me 'old up +my 'and?"</p> +<p><i>Cabby</i> (<i>suavely</i>). "Well, constable, I <i>did</i> see a kind of +shadder pass acrorst the sky; but my 'orse 'e shied at your feet!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<br /> +<center><i>Q.</i> <span class="smcap">What</span> is the best sort of cigar to smoke in a hansom?<br /> + +<i>A.</i> A Cab-ana.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Wheel of Fortune.</span>—It must have belonged originally to an omnibus, +for it is continually "taking up" and "putting down" people.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i054.png"> +<img src="images/i054.png" width="100%" alt="carriage accident"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>Groom</i> (<i>whose master is fully occupied with +unmanageable pair which has just run into rear of omnibus</i>). "Well, +anyway, it wasn't the guv'nor's fault."</p> +<p>'<i>Bus Conductor.</i> "No—it was <i>your</i> fault, for letting 'im drive!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i055.png"> +<img src="images/i055.png" width="100%" alt="The way we Build now"/></a> +<h3>"<span class="smcap">The way we Build now.</span>"</h3> +<p><i>Indignant Houseowner</i> (<i>he had heard it was so much cheaper, in the end, +to buy your house</i>). "Wh' what's the—what am I!—wha' what do you suppose is the meaning of this, +Mr. Scampling!"</p> +<p><i>Local Builder.</i> "'T' tut, tut! Well, sir, I 'spects +some one's been a-leanin' agin it!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i056.png"> +<img src="images/i056.png" width="100%" alt="GETTING HIS ANSWER"/></a> +<h3>GETTING HIS ANSWER</h3> +<p><i>Important Old Gent</i> (<i>from the country, who thinks the lofty bearing of +these London barmaids ought to be "taken down a bit"</i>). "Glass of ale, +young woman; and look sharp, please!"</p> +<p><i>Haughty Blonde</i> (<i>blandly</i>). "Second-class refreshments lower down, +sir!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE MEAT MARKET</h2> + +<p>Legs were freely walked off, and there was a pressure on ribs owing to +the rush of beggars; but knuckles came down, while calves'-heads were +looking-up steadily. At Smithfield, there was a rush of bulls, but the +transactions were of such a hazardous nature as to appear more like a +toss-up than firm business. Any kind of security was resorted to, and +the bulls having driven a well-known speculator into a corner, he was +glad to get out as he could, though an attempt was made to pin him to +his position.</p> + +<p>Pigs went on much at the old rates; and briskness could not be obtained, +though the <i>coupons</i> were freely offered.</p> + +<p>The weather having been favourable to slaughtering, calves have not been +brought to the pen—but there is something doing in beef, for the "<i>Last +of the Barons</i>" is advertised.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Original Cab Radius.</span>—A spoke of Phœbus's chariot-wheel.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Motto for the L.G.O.C.</span>—<i>Bus</i> in urbe.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i057.png"> +<img src="images/i057.png" width="80%" alt="A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY</span></h3> +<p><i>Old Gentleman (returning from City festivity).</i> "Pleashm'n, where'sh +M'sht'r Brown live?"</p> +<p><i>Constable (recognising him).</i> "Why, dear me, sir, you are Mr. Brown!"</p> +<p><i>Mr. B.</i> "Aw right! Bu'—where do I live?"!</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i058.png"> +<img src="images/i058.png" width="80%" alt="Cheap Jack"/></a> +<h3><i>Cheap Jack.</i></h3> +<p>"I will make a present of this genooine +gold watch—none of your carrots—to henny lady or gentleman for fifteen +shillings an' sixpence. Why am I doin' this? To hencourage trade, that +is why I am givin' it away for fourteen shillings an' sixpence. Look at +it for yourselves, for fourteen shillings! If yer don't believe it's +gold, <i>jump on it</i>?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i059.png"> +<img src="images/i059.png" width="100%" alt="At the Diamond Jubilee"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">At the Diamond Jubilee.</span></h3> +<p><i>First Doubtful Character.</i> "My eye, mate, this is a squash!"</p> +<p><i>Second D. C.</i> "Squash! Why, s'elp me, if I ain't 'ad my 'and in this cove's pocket for the larst twenty minits, +an' can't get it out!"</p> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p><hr /> + +<h2>BACK TO TOWN</h2> + +<div class="poem w36"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Back to town, and it certes is rapture to stand,</p> +<p class="i0">And to hear once again all the roar of the Strand;</p> +<p class="i0">I agree with the bard who said, noisy or stilly,</p> +<p class="i0">By gaslight or daylight, he loved Piccadilly;</p> +<p class="i0">The wanderer's heart with emotion doth swell,</p> +<p class="i0">When he sees the broad pavement of pleasant Pall Mall.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Some folks like the City; wherever they range,</p> +<p class="i0">Their hearts are still true to the Royal Exchange;</p> +<p class="i0">They've beheld alpine summits rise rank upon rank,</p> +<p class="i0">But the Matterhorn's nothing compared with the Bank;</p> +<p class="i0">And they feel quite rejoiced in the omnibus ride,</p> +<p class="i0">As that hearse for the living rolls up through Cheapside.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The mind of a man is expanded by travel,</p> +<p class="i0">But give me my house on the Kensington gravel:</p> +<p class="i0">The wine of the Frenchman is good, and his grub,</p> +<p class="i0">But he isn't devoted to soap and the tub;</p> +<p class="i0">Though it may be my prejudice, yet I'll be shot,</p> +<p class="i0">If I don't think one Englishman's worth all the lot!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">With Germans I've no disposition to quarrel,</p> +<p class="i0">Though most of their women resemble a barrel;</p> +<p class="i0">And, as for myself, I could never make out</p> +<p class="i0">The charms of their <i>schnitzel</i> and raw <i>sauer-kraut</i>;</p> +<p class="i0">While everyone owns, since the last mighty war,</p> +<p class="i0">Your average Teuton's too bumptious by far.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">I think it's been stated before, that you roam</p> +<p class="i0">To prove to yourself that there's no place like home,</p> +<p class="i0">Though lands that are lovely lie eastward and west,</p> +<p class="i0">Our "tight little island," believe me, 's the best;</p> +<p class="i0">Through Paris, Berlin, and Vienna you've passed,</p> +<p class="i0">To find that there's nothing like London at last!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i060.png"> +<img src="images/i060.png" width="100%" alt="hair cutting"/></a><br /><br /> +<p><i>New Assistant (after hair-cutting, to Jones, who has +been away for a couple of weeks).</i> "Your 'air is very thin be'ind, sir. +Try singeing!"</p> +<p><i>Jones (after a pause).</i> "Yes, I think I will."</p> +<p><i>N. A. (after singeing).</i> "Shampoo, sir? Good for the 'air, sir."</p> +<p><i>Jones.</i> "Thank you. Yes."</p> +<p><i>N. A.</i> "Your moustaches curled?"</p> +<p><i>Jones.</i> "Please."</p> +<p><i>N. A.</i> "May I give you a friction?"</p> +<p><i>Jones.</i> "Thank you."</p> +<p><i>N. A.</i> "Will you try some of our——"</p> +<p><i>Manager (who has just sighted his man, in stage whisper).</i> "You idiot! +<i>He's</i> a subscriber!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R.</span> was in an omnibus lately. The streets were so badly paved, she +says, that the osculations were most trying to elderly people, though +the younger ladies did not seem to object to them.</p> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Signs of a Severe Winter in London</span></p> +<p>Early departure of swallows from Swallow Street.</p> +<p>Poet's Corner covered with rime.</p> +<p>Wild ducks on the Stock Exchange.</p> +<p>Coals raised.</p> + +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">Cynic's Motto for Kelly's Directory</span> (<i>by the kind permission of the +Author of "Dead Men whom I have known."</i>)—Living men whom I don't want +to know.</p> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Money Market</span>—Shares, in Ascension Island Company, going up.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">City Intelligence.</span>—Should the proposed asylum for decayed bill brokers, +jobbers, and others on 'Change be ultimately built, it will probably be +at Stock-holm.</p> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i061.png"> +<img src="images/i061.png" width="100%" alt="Convenient"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Convenient.</span></h3> +<p><i>Lodger (who has been dining).</i> "D' you have +any 'bjecks'n t' my 'shcaping up into my rooms shec'nd floor? F'got my +la'ch-key!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Advice to Smokers.</span>—Cut Cavendish.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">Fashionable Intelligence.</span>—A new club, composed entirely of aristocratic +literary ladies, is in course of formation; it is to be called "The Blue +Lights."</p> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<h3>NURSERY RHYME FOR THE TIME</h3> + +<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Bye baby bunting,</p> +<p class="i0">Daddy's gone a hunting</p> +<p class="i0">On the Stock Exchange, to catch</p> +<p class="i0">Some one who is not his match;</p> +<p class="i2">If he has luck,</p> +<p class="i2">As well as pluck,</p> +<p class="i0">A coach he'll very likely win</p> +<p class="i0">To ride his baby bunting in.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Deaf Man's Paradise.</span>—The Audit Office.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i062.png"> +<img src="images/i062.png" width="100%" alt="CASTING ACCOUNTS"/></a> +<h3>"CASTING ACCOUNTS"</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i063.png"> +<img src="images/i063.png" width="100%" alt="Our French Visitors"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Our French Visitors.</span></h3> +<center>(Scene—<i>Royal Exchange</i>.)</center> +<br /> +<p><i>First Frenchman (his first time in London).</i> "Tiens, Alphonse! Qui est cet +homme-là?"</p> +<p><i>Second Frenchman (who, having been here once before is +supposed to know all about it).</i> "Chut! Plus bas, mon ami." (<i>Whispers +in reverential tone.</i>) "Ce monsieur-là—c'est le Lor' Maire!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A very much Over-rated Place.</span>—London, under the County Council.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Bill Acceptor.</span>—A dead wall.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Site for a Ragged School.</span>—Tattersall's.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Links that are no Sort of Use in any Fog.</span>—Shirt-links.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The most Beautiful and Beautifying Tree in London.</span>—The plane.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>"<span class="smcap">Coigns of 'vantage.</span>"—<i>£</i>. <i>s.</i> <i>d.</i></center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i064.png"> +<img src="images/i064.png" width="100%" alt="BULL AND BEAR"/></a> +<h3>BULL AND BEAR</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The "Bread of Idleness.</span>"—Loafing.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>POEM ON A PUBLIC-HOUSE</center> + +<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Of this establishment how can we speak?</p> +<p class="i0">Its cheese is mitey and its ale is weak.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Aristocrat's Paradise.</span>—Quality Court.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>"<span class="smcap">The Controller of the <i>Mint</i>.</span>"—The greengrocer.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Seasonable.</span>—What sort of a bath would a resident of Cornhill probably +prefer?<br /> A <i>Cit's</i> bath.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Tippler's Paradise.</span>—Portsoken Ward.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p> + +<h2>MONEY MARKET</h2> +<table summary="cartoons"> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i065a.png"> +<img src="images/i065a.png" width="100%" alt="Tightness"/></a> +<h3>Tightness observable at the opening</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i065b.png"> +<img src="images/i065b.png" width="100%" alt="decline"/></a> +<h3>A decline at the close</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i065c.png"> +<img src="images/i065c.png" width="100%" alt="Railways"/></a> +<h3>Railways were dull</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 65%"> +<a href="images/i065d.png"> +<img src="images/i065d.png" width="100%" alt="Bullyin"/></a> +<h3>Bullyin' movements</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Stockbroker's Vade Mecum.</span>—A book of good quotations.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Epitaph on a Letter Carrier.</span>—<i>Post obit.</i></center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Man in Advance of his Time.</span>—One who has been knocked into the middle +of next week.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Lord Mayor's Residence.</span>—The munching house.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i066.png"> +<img src="images/i066.png" width="100%" alt="THE UNPUNCTUAL CLERK"/></a> +<h3>A NEW TERROR FOR THE UNPUNCTUAL CLERK</h3> +<center>[According to the <i>Scientific American</i> they have commenced making in +Switzerland phonographic clocks and watches, which pronounce the hour +most distinctly.]</center> +</div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Best School of Cookery.</span>—The office of a City accountant.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i067.png"> +<img src="images/i067.png" width="100%" alt="OBSTINACY OF THE PARENT"/></a> +<h3>THE OBSTINACY OF THE PARENT</h3> +<p><i>Emily Jane.</i> "Yes, I'm always a-sayin' to father as 'e oughter retire +from the crossin', but keep at it 'e will, though it ain't just no more +'n the broom as 'olds 'im up!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE MONEY MARKET</h2> + +<p>The scarcity of money is frightful. As much as a hundred per cent., to +be paid in advance, has been asked upon bills; but we have not yet heard +of any one having given it. There was an immense run for gold, but no +one got any, and the whole of the transactions of the day were done in +copper. An influential party created some sensation by coming into the +market late in the afternoon, just before the close of business, with +half-a-crown; but it was found, on inquiry, to be a bad one. It is +expected that if the dearth of money continues another week, buttons +must be resorted to. A party, whose transactions are known to be large, +succeeded in settling his account with the bulls, by means of +postage-stamps; an arrangement of which the bears will probably take +advantage.</p> + +<p>A large capitalist in the course of the day attempted to change the +direction things had taken, by throwing an immense quantity of paper +into the market; but as no one seemed disposed to have anything to do +with it, it blew over.</p> + +<p>The parties to the Dutch loan are much irritated<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> at being asked to take +their dividends in butter; but, after the insane attempt to get rid of +the Spanish arrears by cigars, which, it is well known, ended in smoke, +we do not think the Dutch project will be proceeded with.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>"<span class="smcap">Letters of Credit.</span>"—I.O.U.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Capital Punishment.</span>—Stopping in London in August.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Residence for the Clerk of the Weather.</span>—"The clearing-house."</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i069.png"> +<img src="images/i069.png" width="100%" alt="MAN OF LETTERS"/></a> +<h3>A MAN OF LETTERS</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i068.png"> +<img src="images/i068.png" width="100%" alt="Most Assuring"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Most Assuring.</span></h3> +<p><i>Brown (who is nervous about sanitary matters, and detects something).</i> "Hum"—(<i>sniffs</i>)—"surely—this +system of yours—these pipes now—do they communicate with your main +drain?"</p> +<p><i>Hairdresser (with cheery gusto).</i> "Direct, sir!"</p> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Tableau.</i></span><br /> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i070.png"> +<img src="images/i070.png" width="100%" alt="How long to Victoria"/></a> +<br /> +<p><i>Gilded Johnny.</i> "How long will it take your bally cab to +get to Victoria?"</p> +<p><i>Cabby.</i> "Oh, just about the same time as an ordinary keb, sir."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i071.png"> +<img src="images/i071.png" width="100%" alt="NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND"/></a> +<h3>"NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND"</h3> +<p><i>Respectable Man.</i> "Dear me! I'm sorry to see this, Muggles! I heard +you'd left off drinking!"</p> +<p><i>Disreputable Party.</i> "Sho I 'ave, shir—(<i>hic</i>)—jesh 'ish very +minute!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i072.png"> +<img src="images/i072.png" width="100%" alt="don't go, you know"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Obvious.</span></h3> +<p><i>Stingy Uncle (to impecunious Nephew).</i> "Pay as you go, my boy!—Pay as you go!"</p> +<p><i>Nephew (suggestively).</i> "But suppose I haven't any money to pay with, +uncle——"</p> +<p><i>Uncle.</i> "Eh?—Well, then, don't go, you know—don't go!"</p> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Exit hastily</i>.</span> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i073.png"> +<img src="images/i073.png" width="100%" alt="Street Serio"/></a> +<h3><i>Street Serio (singing).</i></h3> +<p>"Er—yew will think hov me and love me has in dies hov long ago-o-o!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i074.png"> +<img src="images/i074.png" width="100%" alt="Billboard bearer"/></a> +<h3>SHEWERFIT & C<sup>o</sup>.</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i075.png"> +<img src="images/i075.png" width="100%" alt="REAL GRATITUDE"/></a> +<h3>REAL GRATITUDE</h3> +<p><i>Tramp (to Chappie, who has just given him a shilling).</i> "I 'ope as 'ow +some day, sir, <i>you</i> may want a shillin', an' that I'll be able to give +it to yer!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i076.png"> +<img src="images/i076.png" width="100%" alt="I'll be yer Sweet'art"/></a> +<h3><i>Vendor of Cheap Music.</i></h3> +<p>"'Ere y' are, lidy! <i>'I'll be yer Sweet'art.'</i> One penny!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p> + +<h2>CORRESPONDENCE</h2> + +<p>If you please, sir, as a young visitor to the metropolis, and well +acquainted with history, I want to ask you—</p> + +<blockquote><p>Who is the Constable of the Tower?</p> + +<p>What is his number?</p> + +<p>Is he dressed like other constables?</p> + +<p>Can he run anyone in, and make them move on if found loitering on +his beat?</p> + +<p>Is his beat all round the Tower?</p> + +<p>Is he a special? one of the <i>force de tour</i>, empowered to use a +<i>tour de force</i>? (You see I am well up in French.)</p> + +<p>I saw a very amiable-looking policeman cracking nuts in the +vicinity of the Tower. Do you think this was the constable in +question?</p></blockquote> + +<center>Yours,</center> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Rusty Cuss in Urbe.</span></p> + +<p>P.S.—Pantheon means a place where all the gods are. I know Greek. +The Pantheon in Regent Street I find is now a wine merchant's. Is +England exclusively devoted to Bacchus, and is temperance a heresy?</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i077.png"> +<img src="images/i077.png" width="100%" alt="On the Ninth"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">On the Ninth.</span></h3> +<p><i>Freddy.</i> "And do they have a new Lord Mayor every year, mummie?"</p> +<p><i>Mother.</i> "Yes, dear."</p> +<p><i>Freddy.</i> "Then what do they do with the old Lord Mayors when they've +done with 'em?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i078.png"> +<img src="images/i078.png" width="100%" alt="men in coversation"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>Clerk.</i> "Lady been here this morning, sir, complaining +about some goods we sent her."</p> +<p><i>Employer.</i> "Who was she?"</p> +<p><i>Clerk.</i> "I quite forgot to ask her name, sir, but she's a little woman—<i>with a +full-sized tongue</i>!"</p> +</div> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p><hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i079.png"> +<img src="images/i079.png" width="100%" alt="his imaginary foe"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>Little Boldwig</i> (<i>he had been dining with his Company, +and had let himself in with his latchkey—to gigantic stranger he finds +in his hall</i>). "Come on. I'll fight you!" (<i>Furiously.</i>) "Put your +shtick down!!"</p> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>But his imaginary foe was only the new umbrella-stand</i>—<i>a present</i><br /> +<i>from Mrs. B.!</i></span> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i080.png"> +<img src="images/i080.png" width="100%" alt="MAKING THE MOST OF IT"/></a> +<h3>MAKING THE MOST OF IT</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Shocking Thing to think of!</span>—A galvanic battery.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>"<span class="smcap">Cash Advances.</span>"—Courting a rich widow.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Motto for Hairdressers.</span>—"Cut and comb again."</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Correct Motto for the Easy Shaver.</span>—Nothing like lather.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p> + +<h2>ADVERTISEMENT INADVERTENCIES</h2> + +<center><i>Perpetrated by Dumb-Crambo, Junior</i></center> +<br /> +<table summary="cartoons"> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i081a.png"> +<img src="images/i081a.png" width="100%" alt="Suitable opening for a pupil"/></a> +<h3>"Suitable opening for a pupil"</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i081b.png"> +<img src="images/i081b.png" width="100%" alt="Mother's help wanted"/></a> +<h3>"Mother's help wanted"</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i081c.png"> +<img src="images/i081c.png" width="100%" alt="Pushing man to take orders"/></a> +<h3>"Pushing man to take orders"</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i081d.png"> +<img src="images/i081d.png" width="100%" alt="A good plate cleaner"/></a> +<h3>"A good plate cleaner"</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i081e.png"> +<img src="images/i081e.png" width="100%" alt="No reasonable offer refused"/></a> +<h3>"No reasonable offer refused"</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i081f.png"> +<img src="images/i081f.png" width="100%" alt="Goods carefully removed"/></a> +<h3>"Goods carefully removed (in town or country)"</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Best Possession.</span>—Self-possession.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Two Synonymous Trades.</span>—A hairdresser; a locksmith.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The best Substitute for Coal.</span>—Warm weather.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i082.png"> +<img src="images/i082.png" width="100%" alt="Passing Amenities"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Passing Amenities.</span></h3> +<p><i>Growler.</i> "Hi! Hi! Carn't yer look out wher' yer a-comin'?"</p> +<p><i>Omnibus.</i> "Garn! Shut up, jack-in-the-box!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i083.png"> +<img src="images/i083.png" width="100%" alt="Perhaps she's D. E. F."/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p>"I wonder when that A. B. C. girl is going to serve us? +I've called her half-a-dozen times."</p> +<p>"Perhaps she's D. E. F."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Town Improvement.</span>—There is, we hear, a winter garden to be opened at +Somer's Town.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Dummy-Monde.</span>—Madame Tussaud's wax-work.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i084.png"> +<img src="images/i084.png" width="100%" alt="SO INVITING"/></a> +<h3>SO INVITING!</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i085.png"> +<img src="images/i085.png" width="100%" alt="do you believe in woman's rights"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>Passenger</i> (<i>rising politely</i>). "Excuse me, mum, but do +you believe in woman's rights?"</p> +<p><i>New Woman.</i> "Most certainly I do."</p> +<p><i>Passenger</i> (<i>resuming seat</i>). "Oh well, then stand up for 'em!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p> + +<h2>DESPERATE RESOLVES OF THE LAST MAN LEFT IN TOWN</h2> + +<p>To visit the National Gallery (for the first time), as an Englishman +should really know something about the art treasures of his native +country.</p> + +<p>To spend an hour at the Tower (also for the first time), because there +you will be able to brighten up your historical recollections which have +become rather rusty since you took your B.A. degree just fifteen years +ago.</p> + +<p>To enter St. Paul's Cathedral with a view to thinking out a really good +plan of decoration for the benefit of those who read letters addressed +to the editor of the <i>Times</i>.</p> + +<p>To take a ride in an omnibus from Piccadilly to Brompton to see what the +interior of the vehicle in question is like, and therein to study the +manners and customs of the English middle classes.</p> + +<p>To walk in Rotten Row between the hours of twelve (noon) and two (p.m.) +to see how the place looks without any people in it.</p> + +<p>To have your photograph taken in your militia<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> uniform, as now there is +no one in town to watch you getting out of a cab in full war paint.</p> + +<p>To stroll into Mudie's Library to get all the new novels, because after +reading them you may suddenly find yourself inspired to write a critique +that will make your name (when the article has been accepted and +published) as a most accomplished reviewer.</p> + +<p>To read all the newspapers and magazines at the hairdresser's while your +head is being shampooed (for the fourth time), as now is the time for +improving your mind (occupied with so many other things during the +season) with popular current literature.</p> + +<p>To walk to your club (closed for repairs, &c.) to see how the workmen +are progressing with the stone scraping of the exterior, as you feel +yourself responsible to hundreds of your fellow-creatures as a member of +the house committee.</p> + +<p>To write a long letter to your friend Brown, of the 121st Foot, now in +India with his regiment, to tell him how nothing is going on anywhere, +because you have not written to him since he said "Good-bye" to you at +Southampton.</p> + +<p>To go home to bed at nine o'clock, as early<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> hours are good for the +health, and because there is really nothing else to do.</p> + +<p>And last, but not least, to leave London for the country by the very +first train to-morrow morning!</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING IN THE CITY</h2> + +<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Sigh no more dealers, sigh no more,</p> +<p class="i2">Shares were unstable ever,</p> +<p class="i0">They often have been down before,</p> +<p class="i2">At high rates constant never.</p> +<p class="i4">Then sigh not so,</p> +<p class="i4">Soon up they'll go,</p> +<p class="i2">And you'll be blithe and funny,</p> +<p class="i4">Converting all your notes of woe</p> +<p class="i2">Into hey, money, money.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Write no more letters, write no mo</p> +<p class="i2">On stocks so dull and heavy.</p> +<p class="i0">At times on 'Change 'tis always so,</p> +<p class="i2">When bears a tribute levy.</p> +<p class="i4">Then sigh not so,</p> +<p class="i4">And don't be low,</p> +<p class="i2">In sunshine you'll make honey,</p> +<p class="i4">Converting all your notes of woe,</p> +<p class="i2">Into hey, money, money.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>"<span class="smcap">The Deserted Village.</span>"—London in September.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Clockmaker's Paradise.</span>—Seven Dials.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i086.png"> +<img src="images/i086.png" width="100%" alt="Studies in Evolution"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Studies in Evolution.</span></h3> +<p>Alderman Brownjones senior explains to his son, Alderman Brownjones +junior, that there is a lamentable falling-off since <i>his</i> day, in the +breed of aldermen-sheriffs—not only in style and bearing, but even +in "happetite"!</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i087.png"> +<img src="images/i087.png" width="100%" alt="Man rushing out of club"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>Gent</i> (<i>rushing out of club in a terrific hurry</i>). "I +say, cabby, drive as fast as you can to Waterloo—Leatherhead!"</p> +<p><i>Cabby.</i> "'Ere, I say, not so much of your <i>leather'ed</i>, if you please!"</p> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Goes off grumbling.</i></span> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i088.png"> +<img src="images/i088.png" width="100%" alt="" title="Women talking"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>Mrs. Snobson</i> (<i>who is doing a little slumming for the +first time and wishes to appear affable, but is at a loss to know how to +commence conversation</i>). "Town very empty!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p> + +<h2>NEW EDITION OF WALKER</h2> + +<p> +The baker rolls.<br /> +The butcher shambles.<br /> +The banker balances himself well.<br /> +The cook has a mincing gait.<br /> +The livery-stable keeper has a "<i>musing</i> gait."<br /> +The excursionist trips along.<br /> +The fishmonger flounders on.<br /> +The poulterer waddles like a duck.<br /> +The gardener does not allow the grass to grow under his feet.<br /> +The grocer treads gingerly.<br /> +The indiarubber manufacturer has an elastic step.<br /> +The rogue shuffles, and<br /> +The doctor's pace is killing.<br /> +</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Shopkeeper's Science.</span>—Buyology.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">People</span> talk about making a clean sweep. Can they make a sweep clean?</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Beneath One's Notice.</span>—Advertisements on the pavement.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i089.png"> +<img src="images/i089.png" width="100%" alt="ABSENT-MINDED BEGGAR"/></a> +<h3>"THE ABSENT-MINDED BEGGAR"</h3> +<center>(<i>With apologies to Mr. Kipling</i>)</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i090.png"> +<img src="images/i090.png" width="100%" alt="Talkative Old Lady"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>Talkative Old Lady</i> (<i>drinking a glass of milk, to +enthusiastic teetotaler, who is doing ditto</i>). "Yes, sir, since they're +begun poisoning the beer, we <i>must</i> drink <i>something</i>, mustn't we?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i091.png"> +<img src="images/i091.png" width="100%" alt="cramped for room"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>Small Boy</i> (<i>who is somewhat cramped for room</i>). "Are +you still there, Billy? I thought you wos lost."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i092.png"> +<img src="images/i092.png" width="100%" alt="Irate Old Gentleman"/></a> +<p><i>Irate Old Gentleman.</i> "Here, I say, your beast of a dog +has bitten a piece out of my leg!"</p> +<p><i>Dog's Owner.</i> "Oh, bother! And I wanted to bring him up a vegetarian!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i093.png"> +<img src="images/i093.png" width="100%" alt="Not a drop"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p>"'Ad any breakfus' 's mornin'?" "Not a drop!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE INFANT'S GUIDE TO KNOWLEDGE</h2> + +<center><span class="smcap">Concerning Cash</span></center> + +<p><i>Question.</i> What is cash?</p> + +<p><i>Answer.</i> Cash may be described as comfort in the concrete.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Is it not sometimes called "the root of all evil"?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Yes, by those who do not possess it.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Is it possible to live without cash?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Certainly—upon credit.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Can you tell me what is credit?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Credit is the motive power which induces persons who have cash, to +part with some of it to those who have it not.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Can you give me an instance of credit?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Certainly. A young man who is able to live at the rate of a +thousand a-year, with an income not exceeding nothing a month, is a case +of credit.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Would it be right to describe such a transaction as "much to his +credit"?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> It would be more precise to say, "much by<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span> his credit"; although +the former phrase would be accepted by a large class of the community as +absolutely accurate.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What is bimetallism?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Bimetallism is a subject that is frequently discussed by amateur +financiers, after a good dinner, on the near approach of the coffee.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Can you give me your impression of the theory of bimetallism?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> My impression of bimetallism is the advisability of obtaining +silver, if you cannot get gold.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What is the best way of securing gold?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> The safest way is to borrow it.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Can money be obtained in any other way?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> In the olden time it was gathered on Hounslow Heath and other +deserted spots, by mounted horsemen wearing masks and carrying pistols.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What is the modern way of securing funds, on the same principles, +but with smaller risk?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> By promoting companies and other expedients known to the members of +the Stock Exchange.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Good Figure-head.</span>—An arithmetician's.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i094.png"> +<img src="images/i094.png" width="100%" alt="An Empty Embrace"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">An Empty Embrace.</span></h3> +<p>"'Ere y'are! Humberella rings, two a penny!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i095.png"> +<img src="images/i095.png" width="100%" alt="Two elephants"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>Conductor</i> (<i>on "Elephant and Castle" route</i>). "Fares, +please!"</p> +<p><i>Fare.</i> "Two elephants!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i096.png"> +<img src="images/i096.png" width="100%" alt="LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIES"/></a> +<h3>ONE OF "LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIES"</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i097.png"> +<img src="images/i097.png" width="100%" alt="Men talking"/></a> +<h3>OVERHEARD OUTSIDE A FAMOUS RESTAURANT</h3> +<p>"Hullo, Gus! What are you waiting about here for?"</p> +<p>"I'm waiting till the banks close. I want to cash a cheque!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<center>"<span class="smcap">Unsatisfactory Commercial Relations.</span>"—Our "uncles."</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Country Shareholders.</span>—Ploughmen.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i098.png"> +<img src="images/i098.png" width="100%" alt="" title="Men talking"/></a> +<p><i>Working Man, sitting on the steps of a big house in, +say, Russell Square, smoking pipe. A mate passes by with plumbing tools, +&c.</i></p> +<p><i>Man with tools.</i> "Hullo, Jim! Wot are yer doin' 'ere? Caretakin'?"</p> +<p><i>Man on steps.</i> "No. I'm the howner, 'ere."</p> +<p><i>Man with tools.</i> "'Ow's that?"</p> +<p><i>Man on steps.</i> "Why, I did a bit o' plumbing in the 'ouse, an' I took +the place in part payment for the job."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i099.png"> +<img src="images/i099.png" width="100%" alt="THE GLORIOUS FIFTH"/></a> +<h3>THE GLORIOUS FIFTH</h3> +<p><i>Benevolent Lady</i> (<i>fond of the good old customs</i>). "Here, my boy, is +something for your guy."</p> +<p><i>Conscientious Youth.</i> "We ain't got no guy, mum; this 'ere's +grandfather!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A "Young Shaver."</span>—A barber's baby.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Joint Account.</span>—A butcher's bill.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i100.png"> +<img src="images/i100.png" width="100%" alt="Customer in barbershop"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">After "The Slump" in the City.</span></h3> +<p><i>Weak Speculator in South African market</i> (<i>about to pay the barber who has been shaving him</i>). "A +shilling! eh? Why, your charge used to be only sixpence."</p> +<p><i>City Barber.</i> "Yes, sir; <i>but you've got such a long face</i>, we're obliged to increase +the price!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i101.png"> +<img src="images/i101.png" width="100%" alt="Two men talking"/></a> +<p>"I don't arst yer fer money. I don't <i>want</i> money. Wot I +wants is bread. <i>'Ave</i> yer got such a thing as a bit o' bread about yer, +me lord?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE PROMOTER'S VADE MECUM</h2> + +<center>(<i>Subject to Revision after the Vacation</i>)</center> + +<p><i>Question.</i> What is meant by the promotion of a company?</p> + +<p><i>Answer.</i> The process of separating capital from its possessor.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> How is this end accomplished?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> By the preparation and publication of a prospectus.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Of what does a prospectus consist?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> A front page and a statement of facts.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Define a front page.</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> The bait covering the hook, the lane leading to the pitfall, the +lath concealing the quagmire—occasionally.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Of what is a front page composed?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Titles, and other suggestions of respectability.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> How are these suggestions obtained?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> In the customary fashion.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Can a banking account be put to any particular service in the +promotion of a company?</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Certainly; it eases the wheels in all directions.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Can it obtain the good-will of the Press?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Only of questionable and usually short-lived periodicals.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> But the destination of the cash scarcely affects the promoter?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> No; for he loses in any case.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> How much of his profits does he sometimes have to disgorge?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> According to circumstances, from three-fifths to +nineteen-twentieths of his easily-secured takings.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> And what does promotion do for the promoter?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> It usually bestows upon him temporary prosperity.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Why do you say "temporary"?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Because a pleasant present is frequently followed by a disastrous +future.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> You mean, then, that this prosperity is like the companies +promoted, "limited"?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Yes, by the Court of Bankruptcy.</p> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i102.png"> +<img src="images/i102.png" width="100%" alt="Every morning's a fresh morning"/></a> +<h3>"ON 'CHANGE"</h3> +<p><i>Brown.</i> "Mornin'. Fresh mornin', ain't it?"</p> +<p><i>Smith</i>. "'Course it is. Every morning's a fresh morning! By-bye!"</p> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Brown's temper all day is quite unbearable.</i></span><br /> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i103.png"> +<img src="images/i103.png" width="100%" alt="British Workmen"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>Sympathetic Passer-by.</i> "But if he's badly hurt, why +doesn't he go to the hospital?"</p> +<p><i>British Workman.</i> "Wot! In 'is dinner-time!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p> + +<h2>ADVERTISEMENT PERVERSIONS</h2> + +<center>(<i>By Dumb-Crambo, Junior</i>)</center> +<table summary="cartoons"> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i104a.png"> +<img src="images/i104a.png" width="100%" alt="Washing wanted"/></a> +<h3>Washing wanted</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i104b.png"> +<img src="images/i104b.png" width="100%" alt="Left-off clothing"/></a> +<h3>Left-off clothing</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i104c.png"> +<img src="images/i104c.png" width="100%" alt="Vacancy for one pupil"/></a> +<h3>Vacancy for one pupil</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i104d.png"> +<img src="images/i104d.png" width="100%" alt="Branch establishment"/></a> +<h3>Branch establishment</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i104e.png"> +<img src="images/i104e.png" width="100%" alt="Improver wanted in the dressmaking"/></a> +<h3>Improver wanted in the dressmaking</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i104f.png"> +<img src="images/i104f.png" width="100%" alt="Engagement wanted, as housekeeper. Highly recommended"/></a> +<h3>Engagement wanted, as housekeeper. Highly recommended</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p> + +<table summary="cartoons"> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i105a.png"> +<img src="images/i105a.png" width="100%" alt="Board and residence"/></a> +<h3>Board and residence</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i105b.png"> +<img src="images/i105b.png" width="100%" alt="Unfurnished flat"/></a> +<h3>Unfurnished flat</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 55%"> +<a href="images/i105c.png"> +<img src="images/i105c.png" width="100%" alt="Smart youth wanted"/></a> +<h3>Smart youth wanted</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 55%"> +<a href="images/i105d.png"> +<img src="images/i105d.png" width="100%" alt="Mangling done on the shortest notice"/></a> +<h3>Mangling done on the shortest notice</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">River Styx.</span>—"The thousand masts of Thames."</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Man we should like to send to a Séance.</span>—The man who knows how to +hit the happy medium.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Appropriate <i>Locale</i> for the Dairy Show.</span>—Chalk Farm.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Tidy Drop.</span>—A glass of spirits, <i>neat</i>.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i106.png"> +<img src="images/i106.png" width="100%" alt="LORD MAYOR'S SHOW"/></a> +<h3>LORD MAYOR'S SHOW AS IT OUGHT TO BE</h3> +<center><i>Designed by Mr. Punch's Special Processionist</i></center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i107.png"> +<img src="images/i107.png" width="100%" alt="ANOTHER SUGGESTION FOR THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW"/></a> +<h3>ANOTHER SUGGESTION FOR THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW AS IT OUGHT +TO BE</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i108.png"> +<img src="images/i108.png" width="100%" alt="Nuts for the monkeys"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p>"'Nuts for the monkeys, sir? Buy a bag o' nuts for the +monkeys!"</p> +<p>"I'm not going to the Zoo."</p> +<p>"Ah, well, sir, have some to take home to the children!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i109.png"> +<img src="images/i109.png" width="100%" alt="HYDE PARK, MAY 1"/></a> +<h3>HYDE PARK, MAY 1</h3> +<p><i>Country Cousin.</i> "What is the meaning of this, policeman?"</p> +<p><i>Constable.</i> "Labour day, miss."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i110.png"> +<img src="images/i110.png" width="100%" alt="tie a knot in his tail"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>Boy</i> (<i>to Cabby with somewhat shadowy horse</i>). "Look +'ere, guv'nor, you'd better tie a knot in 'is tail afore 'e gets wet, or +'e might slip through 'is collar!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i111.png"> +<img src="images/i111.png" width="100%" alt="Shocking bad horse"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>Indignant Cabby.</i> "Shockin' bad 'orse, 'ave I? And wot's +this hextra tuppence for?—to buy a new 'un with, eh?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p> + +<h2><span class="smcap">Quiddities.</span></h2> + +<center><i>For the Old Ladies.</i></center> + +<p>A tea-party without scandal is like a +knife without a handle.</p> + +<p>Words without deeds are like the husks without the seeds.</p> + +<p>Features without grace are like a clock without a face.</p> + +<p>A land without the laws is like a cat without her claws.</p> + +<p>Life without cheer is like a cellar without beer.</p> + +<p>A master without a cane is like a rider without the rein.</p> + +<p>Marriage without means is like a horse without his beans.</p> + +<p>A man without a wife is like a fork without a knife.</p> + +<p>A quarrel without fighting is like thunder without lightning.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Motto for a Self-made and Successful Money-lender.</span>—"A loan I did it!"</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Improper Expression.</span>—Let it never be said, that when a man jumps for +joy, "his delight knows no <i>bounds</i>."</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The</span> opposite to a tea-fight—A coffee-mill.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i112.png"> +<img src="images/i112.png" width="100%" alt="THE TIP-CAT SEASON"/></a> +<h3>THE TIP-CAT SEASON HAS NOW COMMENCED</h3> +<p><i>Street Urchin.</i> "Now then, old 'un——Fore!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i113.png"> +<img src="images/i113.png" width="100%" alt="Crossing-Sweeper"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>Crossing-Sweeper</i> (<i>to Brown, whose greatest pride is +his new brougham, diminutive driver, &c.</i>). "'Igh! Stop! You've lost +somethin'—the coachman!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i114.png"> +<img src="images/i114.png" width="100%" alt="Irate Bus Driver"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>Irate Bus Driver.</i> "You wouldn't do that for me, would +yer?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 90%"> +<a href="images/i115.png"> +<img src="images/i115.png" width="100%" alt="AT THE STORES"/></a> +<h3>AT THE STORES. BUY—OUR TAPESTRY ARTIST</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p> + +<h2>CATTLE-SHOW WEEK</h2> + +<center>(<i>By Dumb-Crambo, Junior</i>)</center> + +<table summary="cartoons"> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 65%"> +<a href="images/i116a.png"> +<img src="images/i116a.png" width="100%" alt="Scotch polled"/></a> +<h3>Scotch polled</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i116d.png"> +<img src="images/i116d.png" width="100%" alt="Best wether"/></a> +<h3>Best wether</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i116b.png"> +<img src="images/i116b.png" width="100%" alt="Class for roots"/></a> +<h3>Class for roots</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i116e.png"> +<img src="images/i116e.png" width="100%" alt="Steers"/></a> +<h3>Steers</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 65%"> +<a href="images/i116c.png"> +<img src="images/i116c.png" width="100%" alt="Best butter"/></a> +<h3>Best butter</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 65%"> +<a href="images/i116f.png"> +<img src="images/i116f.png" width="100%" alt="Cross bred"/></a> +<h3>Cross bred</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p> + +<h3><span class="smcap">The Linen Trade.</span></h3> +<p>There have been a few transactions in rags at +threepence a pound, and an extensive bone-grubber caused considerable +excitement by bringing a quantity of waste-paper into the market which +turned the scale in his own favour.</p> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Motto for a Mourning Warehouse.</span>—Die and let live.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Out of Place.</span>—A vegetarian at the Cattle Show.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Financial Authority Badly Wanted.</span>—The man who can say "bogus" to the +investing goose.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<h3><span class="smcap">The Vegetable Market.</span></h3> +<p>Asparagus is looking up, and radishes are taking +a downward direction. Peas were almost nothing at the opening; and new +potatoes were buoyant in the basket, but turned out rather heavy at the +settling. A rush of bulls through the market had a dreadful effect upon +apple-stalls and other minor securities; but all the established houses +stood their ground, though the run occasioned a panic among some of the +proprietors.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i117.png"> +<img src="images/i117.png" width="100%" alt="The Quarterly Accounts"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><span class="smcap">The Quarterly Accounts.</span>—<i>Clerk.</i> "Sorry to say, sir, +there's a saddle we can't account for. Can't find out who it was sent +to."</p> +<p><i>Employer.</i> "Charge it on all the bills."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></p> + +<h2>A LOVE SONG OF THE MONEY-MARKET</h2> + +<div class="poem w32"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">I will not ask thee to be mine,</p> +<p class="i2">Because I love thee far too well;</p> +<p class="i0">Ah! what I feel, who thus resign</p> +<p class="i2">All hope in life, no words can tell.</p> +<p class="i0">Only the dictate I obey</p> +<p class="i2">Of deep affection's strong excess,</p> +<p class="i0">When, dearest, in despair, I say</p> +<p class="i2">Farewell to thee and happiness.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Thy face, so tranquil and serene,</p> +<p class="i2">To see bedimmed I could not bear,</p> +<p class="i0">Pinched with hard thrift's expression mean,</p> +<p class="i2">Disfigured with the lines of care,</p> +<p class="i0">I could not brook the day to see</p> +<p class="i2">When thou would'st not, as thou hast now,</p> +<p class="i0">Have all those things surrounding thee</p> +<p class="i2">That light the eye and smooth the brow.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Thou wilt smile calmly at my fear</p> +<p class="i2">That want would e'er approach our door;</p> +<p class="i0">I know it must to thee appear</p> +<p class="i2">A melancholy dream: no more.</p> +<p class="i0">Wilt thou not be with riches blest?</p> +<p class="i2">Is not my fortune ample too?</p> +<p class="i0">Must I not, therefore, be possessed,</p> +<p class="i2">To feel that dread, of devils blue?</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Alas! my wealth, that should maintain,</p> +<p class="i2">My bride in glory and in joy,</p> +<p class="i0">Is built on a foundation vain,</p> +<p class="i2">Which soon a tempest will destroy.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p> +<p class="i0">Yes, yes, an interest high, I know</p> +<p class="i2">My capital at present bears;</p> +<p class="i0">But in a moment it may go:</p> +<p class="i2">It is invested all in shares.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The company is doomed to fall,</p> +<p class="i2">Spreading around disaster dire,</p> +<p class="i0">I hear that the directors all</p> +<p class="i2">Are rogues—the greatest rogue thy sire!</p> +<p class="i0">Go—seek a happier, wiser mate,</p> +<p class="i2">Who had the wit to be content</p> +<p class="i0">With the returns of his estate,</p> +<p class="i2">And with Consols at three per cent!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Feast of all Fools.</span>—More than is good for them.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The "Lap" of Luxury.</span>—Genuine milk in London.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Dish for Diddled Shareholders.</span>—Bubble and squeak.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Science Gossip.</span>—"A City Clerk and a Naturalist" asks whether there is +not a bird called the <i>ditto ditto</i>. Is he not thinking of our old +acquaintance, the do-do?</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">How to Make Money.</span>—Get a situation in the Mint.—<i>Economist.</i></center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Strange Coin.</span>—Forty <i>odd</i> pounds!</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i118.png"> +<img src="images/i118.png" width="100%" alt="The Momentous Question"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">The Momentous Question.</span></h3> +<p><i>Paterfamilias (who is just +beginning to feel himself at home in his delightfully new suburban +residence) interrupts the wife of his bosom.</i> "'Seaside!' 'Change of +air!!' 'Out of town!!!' What nonsense, Anna Maria! Why, good gracious +me! what on earth can you want to be going '<i>out of town</i>' for, when +you've got such a garden as <i>this</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i119.png"> +<img src="images/i119.png" width="100%" alt="SUGGESTIVE"/></a> +<h3>SUGGESTIVE</h3> +<p><i>Dissipated Ballad Howler.</i> "Sweet spirit, 'ear my prayer!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Corrector of the Press.</span>—A policeman at a crowded crossing.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Never on its Legs.</span>—The most constant faller in the metropolis: the +Strand, because it is always being picked up.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Markets.</span>—There was a good deal of liveliness in hops, and a party +of strangers, who seemed to act together, took off the contents of all +the <i>pockets</i> they could lay hold of. There was little doing in corn, +and what barley came in was converted into barley-water for a large +consumer. Peas were distributed freely in small samples through the +market, by means of tin tubes; and as usual there was a good deal of +roguery in grain, which it was found necessary to guard against.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Fortnightly Review.</span>—The account day on the Stock Exchange.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Regular Make-shift.</span>—The sewing machine.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">City Intelligence.</span>—We read, in a great aldermanic authority, that "a +dinner is on the <i>tapis</i>." The <i>tapis</i> alluded to is, of course, +Gob'lin?</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i120.png"> +<img src="images/i120.png" width="100%" alt="RESULT OF CARELESS BILL-POSTING"/></a> +<h3>THE RESULT OF CARELESS BILL-POSTING</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i121.png"> +<img src="images/i121.png" width="100%" alt="SKETCH NEAR PICCADILLY"/></a> +<h3>A SKETCH NEAR PICCADILLY</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i122.png"> +<img src="images/i122.png" width="100%" alt="flower seller"/></a> +<h3>MADAME CHRYSANTHÈME</h3> +<center>(<i>With apologies to "Pierre Loti."</i>)</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p> + +<h3><span class="smcap">A Satisfactory Explanation.</span></h3> + +<p><i>Mrs. Griddleton.</i> What are those square +things, coachman, you put over the poor horse's eyes?</p> + +<p><i>Driver.</i> Blinkers, ma'am.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. G.</i> Why do you put them on, coachman?</p> + +<p><i>Driver.</i> To prevent the 'orse from blinking, ma'am.</p> + +<p class="author"> [<i>Inquiry closed.</i></p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Inscription for Street Letter-boxes.</span>—"From Pillar to Post."</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<h3>HOW THE TRUTH LEAKS OUT!</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>Hyde Park. Time: Five o'clock.</i></p> + +<p><i>Friend.</i> Any news? Anything in the papers?</p> + +<p><i>Government Clerk.</i> Can't say. Haven't been to the office to-day, my +boy.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Why</span> should a chimney-sweeper be a good whist player? Because he's always +following soot.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">Business.</span>—<i>Inquirer</i> (<i>drawing up prospectus</i>). Shall I write "Company" +with a big C?</p> + +<p><i>Honest Broker.</i> Certainly, if it's a sound one, as it represents +"Company" with a capital.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i123.png"> +<img src="images/i123.png" width="100%" alt="Shave, or hair cut"/></a> +<br /> +<p>"Shave, or hair cut, sir?"</p> +<p>"<i>Corns</i>, you fool!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i124.png"> +<img src="images/i124.png" width="100%" alt="NOT FOR JOSEPH"/></a> +<h3>NOT FOR JOSEPH!</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i125.png"> +<img src="images/i125.png" width="100%" alt="PROOF POSITIVE"/></a> +<h3>PROOF POSITIVE</h3> +<p><i>Old Lady.</i> "Do they sell good 'sperrits' at this 'ouse, mister?"</p> +<p>'<i>Spectable-looking Man</i> (<i>But</i>—). "Mos' d'schid'ly, look't (hic) me, +mad'm—for shev'n p'nsh a'penny!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Sinking Fund.</span>—The Royal Humane Society's income.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Shrewd Suggestion.</span>—It often happens, when the husband fails to be home +to dinner, that it is one of his <i>fast</i> days.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The School of Adversity.</span>—A ragged school.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Never Waste your Time.</span>—Waste somebody else's.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Men of <i>the</i> Time.</span>—Chronometer makers.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Man in Advance of his Time.</span>—One who has been knocked into the middle +of next week.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Deaf Man's Paradise.</span>—The Audit Office.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Site for a Ragged School.</span>—Tattersall's.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Stuff and Nonsense.</span>—A City Banquet, and the speeches after it.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i126.png"> +<img src="images/i126.png" width="100%" alt="ZOOLOGY"/></a> +<h3>ZOOLOGY</h3> +<p>"That's a porkypine, Sarah."</p> +<p>"No, it ain't, Bill. It's a orstridge!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span></p> + +<h3><span class="smcap">The Fish Market.</span></h3> +<p>Flounders were of course flat, but to the surprise of +everyone they showed an inclination to come round towards the afternoon, +and there were one or two transactions in whelks, but they were all of a +comparatively insignificant character. Lobsters' claws were lazy at the +opening, but closed heavily; and those who had a hand in them would +gladly have been released if such a course had been possible.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>"<span class="smcap">The Best Policy.</span>"—That with the largest bonus.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">False Quantity.</span>—Short measure.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i127.png"> +<img src="images/i127.png" width="100%" alt="AN UNUSUAL FLOW OF SPIRITS"/></a> +<h3>AN UNUSUAL FLOW OF SPIRITS</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Consolation Stakes.</span>—Those you get at a City tavern the day after you +have tried to eat the article at home.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i128.png"> +<img src="images/i128.png" width="100%" alt="A Horrible Business"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">A Horrible Business.</span></h3> +<p><i>Master Butcher.</i> "Did you take old +Major Dumbledore's ribs to No. 12?" <i>Boy.</i> "Yes, sir." <i>Master Butcher.</i> +"Then, cut Miss Wiggles's shoulder and neck, and hang Mr. Foodle's legs +until they're quite tender!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i129.png"> +<img src="images/i129.png" width="100%" alt="Girl talking to newsvendor"/></a> +<br /> +<p><i>Little Girl</i> (<i>to Newsvendor, from whom she has just +purchased the latest war special</i>). "'Ere's your <i>paper</i>! Father says, +if you don't mind 'e 'd rather 'ave the bill, 'cos there's more news in +it."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i130.png"> +<img src="images/i130.png" width="100%" alt="Old Lady from the country"/></a> +<br /> +<p><i>Old Lady</i> (<i>from the country</i>). "Well, I never! And to +think burglary should have become a regular respectable trade!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Speculator's Apology.</span>—You can't make the pot boil without bubbles.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Table-Turning.</span>—Looking for a train in <i>Bradshaw</i>.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i131.png"> +<img src="images/i131.png" width="100%" alt="coat of arms"/></a> +<h3>ARMS FOR THE PROPOSED NEW WEST-END STOCK EXCHANGE</h3> +<center>(<i>To be placed over the principal entrance.</i>)</center> +<p>On a chevron <i>vert</i>, a pigeon plucked <i>proper</i>, between three rooks +peckant, clawed and beaked <i>gules</i>. Crest: a head Semitic grimnant, +winkant, above two pipes laid saltier-wise, <i>argent</i>, environed with a +halo of bubbles <i>or</i>. Supporters: a bull and bear rampant <i>sable</i>, +dented, hoofed and clawed <i>gules</i>. Motto: "Let us prey."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i132.png"> +<img src="images/i132.png" width="100%" alt="A Sensitive Plant"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">A Sensitive Plant.</span></h3> +<p>"What, back in town already, old chappie?"</p> +<p>"Yes, old chappie. Couldn't stand the country any longer. Cuckoo gave me +the headache!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span></p> + +<h2>COMMERCIAL NEWS</h2> + +<p>Policeman O, No. I, has got such an accumulation of corn in bond, under +a tight boot, that it is expected he will be allowed the benefit of +nominal or fixed duty. He is one of the most extensive growers of corn +in the kingdom, and always has on foot a prodigious quantity, which, +when he is in competition with those who try to take advantage of his +position, must naturally prevent him from striking the average.</p> + +<p>Onions were dull at fourpence a rope, and wild ducks were heavy, with +sand inside, at three and sixpence a couple.</p> + +<p>A considerable deal of business was done in flat-irons on New Year's +Day, and there was a trifling advance upon them everywhere.</p> + +<p>The dividends on pawnbrokers' stock were payable last week, but the +defaulters were very numerous. A highly respectable party in the City, +in order to provide for interest coming due, is understood to have +funded the greater part of his summer wardrobe.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span></p> + +<p>Long fours, in the candle-market, were dull, but the ten and a half +reduced rushlights brightened up towards the close of the day +surprisingly.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Persons who would Benefit by Cremation.</span>—Charwomen.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Forced Politeness.</span>—Bowing to circumstances.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Name of Ill Omen.</span>—Persons who are subject to fits of toothache, and +do not wish to be reminded of their distressing malady, should avoid +going down Long Acre.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Pawnbrokers' "Duplicates."</span>—Their twins.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Hagiology on 'Change.</span>—<i>The Brokers' Patron</i>—St. Simon Stock.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Motto for a Tailor who makes Coats of the best Enduring Cloth.</span>—<i>Fuimus, +i.e., We Wear.</i></center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Licensing System.</span>—The big brewer is a vulture, and the unpaid +magistrate instrumental to his rapacity is that vulture's beak.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Best Note Paper.</span>—Bank of England.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i133.png"> +<img src="images/i133.png" width="100%" alt="CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR"/></a> +<h3>CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR</h3> +<p><i>Cabby</i> (<i>to Gent who has been dining out</i>). "'Ere y'are, sir. This is +your 'ouse—get out—be careful, sir—'ere's the step?"</p> +<p><i>Gent.</i> "Yesh. Thash allri, but wersh my <i>feet?</i>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i134.png"> +<img src="images/i134.png" width="100%" alt="You are very late"/></a> +<br /> +<p><i>Employer</i> (<i>who simply</i> <span class="smcap">WON'T</span> <i>take any excuse for +unpunctuality</i>). "You are very late, Mr. Jones. Go back at once, and +come at the proper time!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i135.png"> +<img src="images/i135.png" width="100%" alt="Hairdresser to Customer"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>Hairdresser.</i> "Hair begins to get very thin, sir."</p> +<p><i>Customer.</i> "Yes."</p> +<p><i>Hairdresser.</i> "Have you tried our tonic lotion?"</p> +<p><i>Customer.</i> "Yes. That didn't do it though."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i136.png"> +<img src="images/i136.png" width="100%" alt="Men talking"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p>"I 'ear that Tholomon Arons 'as 'ad 'is shop burnt out!"</p> +<p>"Well, 'e 'th a very good feller, Aronth ith. 'E detherves it!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i137.png"> +<img src="images/i137.png" width="100%" alt="HOW THE POOR LIVE"/></a> +<h3>HOW THE POOR LIVE</h3> +<p>The Rev. Mr. Smirk has brought an American millionaire friend to see for +himself the distressed state of the poor of his parish.</p> +<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>He'll give them a little notice next time.</i></span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i138.png"> +<img src="images/i138.png" width="100%" alt="Workmen talking"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>First Workman.</i> "Wot's it say, Bill, on that old +sun-dial?"</p> +<p><i>Second Workman</i> (<i>reading deliberately</i>). "It says, +'Do—to—day's-work—to—day.'"</p> +<p><i>First W.</i> "'<i>Do <span class="smcap">TWO</span> days' work +to-day!</i>' Wot O! Not me!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i139.png"> +<img src="images/i139.png" width="100%" alt="Social Evolution"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Social Evolution.</span></h3> +<p><i>Tramp</i> (<i>to benevolent but inquisitive lady</i>).—"Well, you see, mum, it were like this. I were a +'addick smoker by profession; then I got ill, and 'ad to go to the +'orspital; then I sold cats meat; but some'ow or other I got into <i>low +water</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i140.png"> +<img src="images/i140.png" width="100%" alt="I hope you had better weather"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>Miss Smith.</i> "We've just come from Tannhauser, doctor."</p> +<p><i>The Doctor</i> (<i>very deaf</i>). "Indeed! I hope you had better weather than +we've been having!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i141.png"> +<img src="images/i141.png" width="100%" alt="Familiar Phrase Explained"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Familiar Phrase Explained.</span></h3> +<p><i>Robinson.</i> "Well, old chap, how did you sleep last night?"</p> +<p><i>Smith</i> (<i>who had dined out</i>). "'Like a top.' As soon as my head touched +the pillow, it went round and round!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i142.png"> +<img src="images/i142.png" width="100%" alt="Cab Tout"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>Cab Tout.</i> "I say, Bill, lend me sixpence."</p> +<p><i>Cabby.</i> "I can't; but I can lend you fourpence."</p> +<p><i>Cab Tout.</i> "All right. Then you'l owe me twopence."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i143.png"> +<img src="images/i143.png" width="100%" alt="thin on the top"/></a> +<br /><br /> +<p><i>Barber.</i> "Your 'air's getting very thin on the top, sir. +I should recommend our wash."</p> +<p><i>Customer.</i> "May I ask if that invigorating liquid is what <i>you</i> have +been in the habit of using?"</p> +<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Dead silence.</i></span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i144.png"> +<img src="images/i144.png" width="100%" alt="Foggy Weather"/></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Foggy Weather.</span></h3> +<p>"Has Mr. Smith been here?"</p> +<p>"Yes; he was here about an hour ago."</p> +<p>"Was I with him?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Highly Probable.</span>—We understand that in consequence of the high price of +meat, the Beef-eaters at the Tower have all turned vegetarians.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">What Millionaires Smoke.</span>—Golden returns.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Universal Watchword.</span>—Tick!</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i145.png"> +<img src="images/i145.png" width="100%" alt="Reclining Mr. Punch"/></a> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<center>BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.</center> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Life in London, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 39707-h.htm or 39707-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/7/0/39707/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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