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diff --git a/39707-8.txt b/39707-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8bcbf6f --- /dev/null +++ b/39707-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3533 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Life in London, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Punch's Life in London + +Author: Various + +Editor: J. A. Hammerton + +Release Date: May 15, 2012 [EBook #39707] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON + +PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR + +Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON + +Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the +cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic +draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch", from its +beginning in 1841 to the present day. + +MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fussy Old Lady._ "Now, _don't_ forget, conductor, I +_want the Bank of England_." + +_Conductor._ "_All_ right, mum." (_Aside._) "She _don't_ want _much_, do +she, mate?"] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON. + +[Illustration] + +AS PICTURED BY + + PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, L. RAVEN-HILL, + J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, E. T. REED, G. D. ARMOUR, F. H. TOWNSEND, + FRED PEGRAM, C. E. BROCK, TOM BROWNE, A. S. BOYD, A. WALLIS MILLS, + STARR WOOD, DUDLEY HARDY, AND MANY OTHER HUMORISTS. + +_IN 180 ILLUSTRATIONS_ + +[Illustration] + +PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" + +THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD. + + * * * * * + +THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR + +_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages, fully illustrated_ + + LIFE IN LONDON + COUNTRY LIFE + IN THE HIGHLANDS + SCOTTISH HUMOUR + IRISH HUMOUR + COCKNEY HUMOUR + IN SOCIETY + AFTER DINNER STORIES + IN BOHEMIA + AT THE PLAY + MR. PUNCH AT HOME + ON THE CONTINONG + RAILWAY BOOK + AT THE SEASIDE + MR. PUNCH AFLOAT + IN THE HUNTING FIELD + MR. PUNCH ON TOUR + WITH ROD AND GUN + MR. PUNCH AWHEEL + BOOK OF SPORTS + GOLF STORIES + IN WIG AND GOWN + ON THE WARPATH + BOOK OF LOVE + WITH THE CHILDREN + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHAKESPEARE ON THE STREETS + +(_See "King Henry the Fourth," Act III., Sc. 1._) + +_Glendower_ (_to Hotspur_). Cousin of many men, I do not bear these +crossings.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SKETCH IN REGENT STREET.--Puzzle--On which side are the +shop windows?] + + * * * * * + +ROUND THE TOWN + +In the sixty-six years of his existence MR. PUNCH has at one time or +another touched upon every phase of life in London. He has moved in high +society; he has visited the slums; he has been to the churches, the +theatres, the concert rooms; he has travelled on the railways, in the +'buses and the cabs; he has amused himself on 'Change; he has gone +shopping; he has lounged in the clubs, been a shrewd watcher and +listener at the Law Courts, dined in the hotels and restaurants, sat in +Parliament, made merry in the servants' hall, loitered along the +pavements with a quick eye and ear for the wit and humour of the +streets, and dropped in casually, a genial and observant visitor, at the +homes and haunts of all sorts and conditions of men and women. + +Obviously it is impossible that the fruits of all this adventuring could +be gathered into a single volume; some of them are garnered already in +other volumes of this series, in books that deal particularly with MR. +PUNCH'S representations of what he has seen and heard of Society, of the +Cockney, of the Lawyers, of our Domestics, of Clubmen and Diners-out, of +the Theatres; therefore, in the present volume, we have limited him in +the main to his recollections of the actual civic life in London, to his +diversions on the Stock Exchange and in the Money Market generally, his +pictured and written quips and jests about London's businesses and +business men, with glimpses of what he knows of the variously dazzling +and more or less strenuous life that everywhere environs these. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUBJECT FOR A DECORATIVE PANEL.--Road "up." Time--in the +height of the season. Place--everywhere.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON + +THE CITY "ARTICLE."--Money. + + * * * * * + +FROM THE STREETS.--A street conjuror complained the other day that he +couldn't throw the knives and balls about, because he did not feel in +the vein. + +"In what vein?" asked a bystander, weakly. + +"The juggler vein, of course, stupid!" was the answer. + + [_The bystander retired._ + + * * * * * + +A LIGHT EMPLOYMENT.--Cleaning windows. + + * * * * * + +"_The Model Ready Reckoner._"--The man with his last shilling. + + * * * * * + +MONEY-MARKET AND CITY INTELLIGENCE.--Operators for the rise--aeronauts; +likewise anglers. + + * * * * * + +JUST OFF--THE BOURSE.--_Stockbroker_ (_to Client who has been pretty +well loaded with certain scrip_). Well, it just comes to this. Are you +prepared to go the whole hog or none? + +_Client_ (_timidly_). I think I'd rather go the none. + + * * * * * + +WHAT COLOUR SHOULD PARASITES DRESS IN?--Fawn. + + * * * * * + +HOUSEHOLD HINTS FOR ECONOMICAL MANAGERS + +_How to Obtain a good Serviceable Light Porter._--Take a pint of stout, +and add a quart of spring water. There you have him. + +_How to make Hats last._--Make everything else first. + +_How to Prevent Ale from Spoiling._--Drink it. + +_How to Avoid being Considered above your Business._--Never live over +your shop. + +_How to make your Servants rise._--Send them up to sleep in the attics. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bus Driver_ (_to charioteer of broken-down motor-car_). +"I've been tellin' yer all the week to taike it 'ome, an' now yer wants +to, yer cawn't!"] + + * * * * * + +THE STREETS OF LONDON + + The stately streets of London + Are always "up" in Spring, + To ordinary minds an ex- + traordinary thing. + Then cabs across strange ridges bound, + Or sink in holes, abused + With words resembling not, in sound, + Those Mrs. Hemans used. + + The miry streets of London, + Dotted with lamps by night; + What pitfalls where the dazzled eye + Sees doubly ruddy light! + For in the season, just in May, + When many meetings meet, + The jocund vestry starts away, + And closes all the street. + + The shut-up streets of London! + How willingly one jumps + From where one's cab must stop through pools + Of mud, in dancing pumps! + When thus one skips on miry ways + One's pride is much decreased, + Like Mrs. Gilpin's, for one's "chaise" + Is "three doors off" at least. + + The free, fair streets of London + Long, long, in vestry hall, + May heads of native thickness rise, + When April showers fall; + And green for ever be the men + Who spend the rates in May, + By stopping all the traffic then + In such a jocose way! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Straphanger_ (_in first-class compartment, to +first-class passenger_). "I say, guv'nor, 'ang on to this 'ere strap a +minute, will yer, while I get a light?"] + + * * * * * + +THE GAS-FITTER'S PARADISE.--Berners Street. + + * * * * * + +CIVIC WIT.--A City friend of ours, who takes considerable interest in +the fattening of his fowls, alleges, as a reason, that he is an advocate +for widening the Poultry. + + * * * * * + +TO AUCTIONEERS.--The regulations regarding sales are not to be found in +any _bye_ laws. + + * * * * * + +POETRY AND FINANCE.--Among all the quotations in all the money market +and City articles who ever met with a line of verse? + + * * * * * + +ANYTHING BUT AN ALDERMAN'S MOTTO.--"Dinner forget." + + * * * * * + +A GENTLEMAN who lives by his wits.--_Mr. Punch._ + + * * * * * + +DEFINITION.--The Mansion House--A mayor's nest. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN A TRAM-CAR + +_Lady_ (_with smelly basket of fish_). "Dessay you'd rather 'ave a +gentleman settin' a-side of you?" + +_Gilded Youth_ (_who has been edging away_). "Yes, I would." + +_Lady._ "Same'ere!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Inquisitive Guardian._ "By the way, have you any +children?" _Applicant for Relief._ "No." _Guardian._ "But--er--surely I +know a son of yours?" _Applicant._ "Well, I don't suppose you'd call a +_child_ children!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Please, sir, tuppence worth of butter scrapin's, an' +mother says be sure they're all _clean_, 'cause she's expectin' +company."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNCONSCIONABLE + +_Head of the Firm._ "Want a holiday!? Why, you've just been at home ill +for a month!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FORCE OF HABIT + +_Traveller_ (_suffering from the Heat of Weather, &c._). "Wesh +Bromp'n--shingl'--cold 'th bit o' lemon--loo' sharp--'r else shan't kesh +my train!"] + + * * * * * + +THE EXILED LONDONER + + I roam beneath a foreign sky, + That sky is cloudless, warm and clear; + And everything is glad but I;-- + But ah! my heart is far from here. + + They bid me look on forests green, + And boundless prairies stretching far; + But I rejoice not in their sheen, + And longing turn to Temple Bar. + + They bid me list the torrent's roar, + In all its foaming, bounding pride; + But I, I only think the more + On living torrents in Cheapside! + + They bid me mark the mighty stream, + Which Mississippi rolls to sea; + But then I sink in pensive dream, + And turn my thoughts, dear Thames, to thee! + + They bid me note the mountains high, + Whose snow-capp'd peaks my prospect end; + I only heave a secret sigh-- + To Ludgate Hill my wishes tend. + + They taunt me with our denser air, + And fogs so thick you scarce can see; + Then, yellow fog, I will declare, + Though strange to say, I long for thee. + + And everything in this bright clime + But serves to turn my thoughts to thee! + Thou, London, of an earlier time, + Oh! when shall I return to thee? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Customer._ "That dog I bought last week has turned out +very savage. He's already bitten a little girl and a policeman, and----" + +_Dealer._ "Lor'! how 'e's changed, mum! He wasn't at all particular what +he ate 'ere!"] + + * * * * * + +PANIC IN THE CITY + +TIME--3.30 P.M. + +_Excited Stockbroker._--By Jove! it's serious now. + +_Other dittos._ Hey? what? + +_Excited Stockbroker._ Rothschild's "gone"-- + +_Clients_ (_new to City, thunderstruck_). _Gone!_ Rothschild!!--but-- + +_Excited Stockbroker._ Yes. _Gone to Paris._ + +_Exit._ + + * * * * * + +WHAT TO EXPECT AT AN HOTEL.--Inn-attention. + + * * * * * + +A QUESTION FOR LLOYD'S.--Are sub-editors underwriters? + + * * * * * + +INCIDENTS OF TAXATION.--Collectors and summonses. + + * * * * * + +WHAT A CITY COMPANY DOES.--It may not be generally known that the duty +of the Spectacle-makers is to get up the Lord Mayor's Show. Glasses +round, and then they proceed to business. + + * * * * * + +IMPOSSIBLE PHRASE.--The happy rich, the happy poor, both quite possible. +But, "the happy mean"--oh no--impossible. + + * * * * * + +SONG FOR THE TOWN-TIED SPORTSMAN.--"How happy could I be with +_heather_!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROGRESS.--(_Overheard in Kensington._ Time, 9 A.M.).--_Fair +Club Member_ (_lately married, to friend_). "Bye, bye! +Can't stop! Must rush off, or I shall be _scratched for the billiard +handicap_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Policeman_ (_to slightly sober individual, who is +wobbling about in the road amongst the traffic_). "Come, old man, walk +on the pavement." + +_Slightly Sober Individual._ "_Pavement!_ Who do you take me for? +_Blondin?_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SKETCHED IN OXFORD STREET] + + * * * * * + +INSCRIPTION TO BE PLACED OVER THE STOCK EXCHANGE.--"_Bear_ and +for-_bear_." + + * * * * * + +THE PRICE OF BREAD.--Twists have taken a turn; and cottages have come +down in some places, owing to the falls of bricks, which continue to +give way rapidly. A baker near one of the bridges has not had a roll +over, which is to be accounted for by his having come down in regular +steps to a level with the lower class of consumers. Plaster of Paris is +in some demand, and there have been some mysterious transactions in +sawdust by the baker who liberally deals with the workhouse. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SYMPHONY IN BLACK. The vassal who does soot and service.] + + * * * * * + +OFFICIAL ORDER.--All cabmen plying within hail are to be supplied with +umbrellas by Government. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HE DIDN'T MEAN TO LOSE THAT + +"Miffins, the book-keeper, tells me that you have lost the key of the +safe, and he cannot get at the books." + +"Yes, sir, one of them. You gave me two, you remember." + +"Yes; I had duplicates made in case of accident. And the other?" + +"Oh, sir, I took care of that. I was afraid I might lose one of them, +you know." + +"And is the other all right?" + +"Yes, sir. I put it where there was no danger of it being lost. It is in +the safe, sir!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN A NOVEMBER FOG + +_Frenchman_ (_just arrived on his first visit to London_). "Ha, ha! my +frien', now I understan' vot you mean ven you say ze sun nevaire set in +your dominion, ma foi! _It does not rise!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND" + +_Thirsty Soul_ (_after several gyrations round the letter-box_). "I +sh'like t'know wha'-sh-'e good 'f gen'lem'n-sh turn'n tea-tot'ller 'f +gov'm'nt (_hic_) goes-h an' cut-sh th' shpouts-h o' th' _bumpsh_ off!"] + + * * * * * + +THE LONDONER'S DIARY + +(_For August_) + +_Monday._--Got up at nine o'clock. Lounged to the park. No one there. +Went to bed at twelve. + +_Tuesday._--Got up at ten o'clock. Walked to the House of Commons. +Closed. Went to bed at eleven. + +_Wednesday._--Got up at eleven o'clock. Looked in at Prince's. Deserted. +Went to bed at ten. + +_Thursday._--Got up at twelve o'clock. Strolled to the club. Shut up for +repairs. Went to bed at nine. + +_Friday._--Got up at one o'clock. Stayed at home. Dull. Went to bed at +eight. + +_Saturday._--Got up at five a.m. Went out of town at six. + + * * * * * + +THE REVERSE OF THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL.--A school in which very few +members of society are brought up--a charity school. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PAST RECLAIMING + +_Brixton Barber._ "Revival seems to be in the hair, sir." + +_Customer._ "Not in _mine_!"] + + * * * * * + +FOG + + Thou comest in familiar guise, + When in the morning I awake, + You irritate my throat and eyes, + I vow that life's a sad mistake. + You come to hang about my hair, + My much-enduring lungs to clog, + I feel you with me everywhere, + Our own peculiar London fog. + You clothe the City in such gloom, + We scarce can see across the street, + You seem to penetrate each room, + And mix with everything I eat. + I hardly dare to stir about, + But sit supine as any log; + You make it torture to go out, + Our own peculiar London fog. + + * * * * * + +THE END OF TABLE-TURNING.--An inmate of a lunatic asylum, driven mad by +spiritualism, wishes to try to turn the multiplication table. + + * * * * * + +"THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR."--What o'clock is it? + + * * * * * + +PERPETUAL MOTION DISCOVERED.--The _winding_ up of public companies. + + * * * * * + +FLIES IN AMBER.--Yellow cabs. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _'Bus Driver_ (_to Cabby, who is trying to lash his horse +into something like a trot_). "Wot's the matter with 'im, Willum? 'E +don't seem 'isself this mornin'. I believe you've bin an' changed 'is +milk!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SKETCH FROM LIFE + +_Chorus_ (_slow music_). "We're a rare old--fair old--rickety, rackety +crew!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE--_In a 'Bus._ + +TIME--_During the Hot Spell._ + +_First City Man._ "D----d hot, isn't---- I--I beg your pardon, madam, +I--I quite forgot there was a lady pres----" + +_Stout Party._ "Don't apologise. It's much worse than that!"] + + * * * * * + +THE CAPITALISTS + +(_A Story of Yesterday for To-morrow and To-day_) + +"What, Brown, my boy, is that you?" said Smith, heartily. + +"The same, and delighted to see you," was the reply. + +"Have you heard the news, my dear fellow?" asked Smith. + +"You mean about the position of the Bank of England? Why, certainly; all +the City is talking about it." + +"Ah, it is absolutely grand! Never was the Old Lady of Threadneedle +Street in such a strong position. Marvellous! my dear friend; absolutely +marvellous!" + +"Quite so. Never were we--as a people--so rich!" + +"Yes, prosperity seems to be coming back by leaps and bounds." + +"You never said anything so true," observed Smith. + +"Right you are," cried Brown. + +And then the two friends shook hands once more with increased +cordiality, and passed on. They walked in different directions a few +steps, and both stopped. They turned round. + +"Smith," said Brown, "I have to ask you a trifling favour." + +"Brown, it is granted before I know its purport." + +"Well, the truth is, I am penniless--lend me half-a-crown." + +Smith paused for a moment. + +"You surely do not wish to refuse me?" asked Brown in a tone of pained +surprise. + +"I do not, Smith," replied his friend, with fervour. "Indeed, I do not!" + +"Then produce the two-and-sixpence." + +"I would, my dear fellow, if in the wide world I could raise it!" + +And then the ancient comrades shook hands once again, and parted in +sorrow, but not in anger. They felt that after all they were only in the +fashion. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEGLECTED INDUSTRY + +"'Ow are yer gettin' on, Bill?" + +"Ain't gettin' on at all. I'm beginnin' to think as the publick doesn't +know what they wants!"] + + * * * * * + +TOO COMMON A THING.--A member of a limited liability company in a bad +way, said he should turn itinerant preacher. He was asked why? He said +he had had a call. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Country Cousin._ "Do you stop at the Cecil?" + +_'Bus Driver._ "_Do_ I stop at the Cecil!--_on twenty-eight bob a +week_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FRIGHTFUL LEVITY.--_Bus-Driver._ "Hullo, gov'nour; got +any room?" _Policeman, Driving Van_ (_with great want of self-respect_). +"Just room for one; saved a place a purpose for you, sir." _Bus-Driver._ +"What's yer fare?" _Policeman._ "Bread and water; same as you had +afore!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MISUNDERSTANDING.--_Old Gent._ (_evidently from the +Shires_). "Hi! hoy! stop!" _Conductor._ "'Old 'ard Bill!" (_To Old +Gent._) "Where are yer for, sir?" _Old Gent._ (_panting in pursuit_). +"Here!--let's have a--box o' them--_safety matches_!" + + [_Objurgations!_ + +] + + * * * * * + +ON THE SPECULATIVE BUILDER + + He's the readiest customer living, + While you're lending, or spending or giving; + But when you'd make profit, or get back your own, + He's the awkwardest customer ever you've known. + + * * * * * + +FAVOURITE SONG ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE.--"_Oh! what a difference in the +morning!_" + + * * * * * + +THE REAL "BITTER" CRY OF LONDON.--The demand for Bass and Allsopp. + + * * * * * + +CABBY calls the new auto-cars his motormentors. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THOROUGH!--_Hairdresser_ (_to perspiring Customer during +the late hot weather_). "'Hair cut, sir?" + +_Stout Party_ (_falling into the chair, exhausted_). "Ye----" + +_Hairdresser._ "Much off, sir?" + +_Stout Party._ "(_Phew!_) Cut it to the bone!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DIVERTING THE TRAFFIC!] + +THE THING TO THROW LIGHT ON SPIRITUALISTIC SÉANCES.--A spirit-lamp. + + * * * * * + +THE RULING PASSION.--A great financial reformer is so devoted to figures +that when he has nothing else to do he casts up his eyes. + + * * * * * + +BUBBLE CONCERNS.--Aërated water companies. + + * * * * * + +NEW LONDON STREET DIRECTORY + +_Adam Street._--Antediluvian anecdotes and traditions still linger here. + +_Air Street._--Doctors send their patients to this locality for change. + +_Aldermanbury._--Visited by numbers of bereaved relatives. + +_Amwell Street._--Always healthy. + +_Barking Alley._--To be avoided in the dog days. + +_Boy Court._--Not far from Child's Place. + +_Camomile Street._--See Wormwood Street. + +_Coldbath Square._--Very bracing. + +_Distaff Lane._--Full of spinsters. + +_Farm Street._--Highly sensitive to the fluctuations of the corn market. + +_Fashion Street._--Magnificent sight in the height of the season. + +_First Street._--Of immense antiquity. + +_Friday Street._--Great jealousy felt by all the other days of the +week. + +_Garlick Hill._--Make a little _détour_. + +_Glasshouse Street._--Heavily insured against hailstorms. + +_Godliman Street._--Irreproachable. + +_Great Smith Street._--Which of the Smiths is this? + +_Grundy Street._--Named after that famous historic character--Mrs. +Grundy. + +_Hercules Buildings._--Rich in traditions and stories of the "Labours" +of the Founder. + +_Homer Street._--Literally classic ground. The house pointed out in +connection with "the blind old bard" has long since disappeared. + +_Idol Lane._--Where are the Missionaries? + +_Ivy Lane._--This, and Lillypot Lane, and Woodpecker Lane, and +Wheatsheaf Yard, and White Thorn Street, all sweetly rural. It is +difficult to make a selection. + +_Lamb's Conduit Street._--Touching description (by the oldest +inhabitant) of the young lambs coming to drink at the conduit. + +_Liquorpond Street._--See Philpot Lane. + +_Love Lane._--What sort of love? The "love of the turtle?" + + _Lupus Street._ } + } Both dangerous. + _Maddox Street._} + +_Milk Street._--Notice the number of pumps. + +_Mincing Lane._--Mincing is now mostly done elsewhere, by machinery. + +_Orchard Street._--The last apple was gathered here about the time that +the last coursing match took place in Hare Court. + +_Paper Buildings._--Wonderfully substantial! Brief paper extensively +used in these buildings. + + _Paradise Street._ } + } Difficult to choose between the two. + _Peerless Street._ } + + _Poultry._ } + } Crowded at Christmas. + _Pudding Lane._ } + +_Quality Court._--Most aristocratic. + +_Riches Court._--Not a house to be had for love or money. + +_Shepherdess Walk._--Ought to be near Shepherds' Bush. + +_Trump Street._--Noted for whist. + +_Type Street._--Leaves a most favourable impression. + +_World's End Passage._--Finis. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A QUALIFIED GUIDE.--_Befogged Pedestrian._ "Could you +direct me to the river, please?" _Hatless and Dripping Stranger._ +"Straight ahead. I've just come from it!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FASHIONABLE AND SEASONABLE. + +Where to sup _al fresco_ in the hottest weather. The "_Whelkome_ Club"] + + * * * * * + +"THE ROUND OF THE RESTAURANTS."--Beef. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SACRIFICE.--_Good Templar._ "Tut--t--t--really, Swizzle, +it's disgraceful to see a man in your position in this state, after the +expense we've incurred and the exertions we've used to put down the +liquor traffic!" _Swizzle._ "Y' may preash as mush as y' like, +gen'l'm'n, bur I can tell y' I've made more persh'nal efforsh to (_hic_) +purrown liquor than any of ye!"] + + * * * * * + +A LONDON FOG + + A fog in London daytime like the night is, + Our fellow-creatures seem like wandering ghosts, + The dull mephitic cloud will bring bronchitis; + You cannon into cabs or fall o'er posts. + The air is full of pestilential vapours, + Innumerable "blacks" come with the smoke; + The thief and rough cut unmolested capers, + In truth a London fog's no sort of joke. + + You rise by candle-light or gaslight, swearing + There never was a climate made like ours; + If rashly you go out to take an airing, + The soot-flakes come in black plutonian show'rs. + Your carriage wildly runs into another, + No matter though you go at walking pace; + You meet your dearest friend, or else your brother + And never know him, although face to face. + + The hours run on, and night and day commingle, + Unutterable filth is in the air; + You're much depressed, e'en in the fire-side ingle, + The hag dyspepsia seems everywhere. + Your wild disgust in vain you try to bridle, + Mad as March hare or hydrophobic dog, + You feel, in fact, intensely suicidal: + Such things befall us in a London fog! + + * * * * * + +THE MOST LOYAL OF CUP-BEARERS.--A blind man's dog. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOT QUITE WHAT HE MEANT. + +_Joan_ (_on her annual Spring visit to London_). "There, John, I think +that would suit me." + +_Darby_ (_grumblingly_). "_That_, Maria? Why, a pretty figure it would +come to!" + +_Joan._ "Ah, John dear, you're always so complimentary! I'll go and ask +the price."] + + * * * * * + +STARTING A SYNDICATE + +A Serio-Comic Interlude + +SCENE--_An Office in the City._ TIME--_After Lunch._ + +PRESENT--_Members of a proposed Syndicate._ + +_First Member._ And now, gentlemen, to business. I suppose we may put +down the capital at fifty thousand? + +_Second Mem._ Better make it five hundred thousand. Half a million is so +much easier to get. + +_Third Mem._ Of course. Who would look at a paltry fifty? + +_First Mem._ Perhaps you are right. Five pound shares, eh? + +_Fourth Mem._ Better make them sovereigns. Simpler to manipulate. + +_First Mem._ I daresay. Then the same solicitors as our last? + +_Fifth Mem._ Yes, on the condition that they get a firm to undertake the +underwriting. + +_First Mem._ Necessarily. The firm I propose, gentlemen, are men of +business, and quite recognise that nothing purchases nothing. + +_Second Mem._ And they could get the secretary with a thousand to +invest. + +_First Mem._ Certainly. Our brokers, bankers, and auditors as before. +Eh, gentlemen? + +_Fifth Mem._ On the same conditions. + +_First Mem._ That is understood. And now the prospectus is getting into +shape. Is there anything else anyone can suggest? + +_Fourth Mem._ Oughtn't we to have some object in view? + +_First Mem._ Assuredly. Making money. + +_Fourth Mem._ Don't be frivolous. But what I mean is, should we not know +for what purpose we are going to expend the half million? + +_First Mem._ Oh, you mean the name. Well, that comparatively unimportant +detail we might safely leave until our next pleasant gathering. + + [_Meeting adjourned._ + + _Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +IN EXTREMIS.--That man is indeed hard up who cannot get credit even for +good intentions. + + * * * * * + +"WALKER!"--How unfair to sneer at the City tradesmen for being above +their business, when so few of them live over their shops! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: An early morning snapshot in the suburbs. Mr. Bumpus +dresses his window.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS + +Proposed elevated roadway for perambulators] + + * * * * * + +EXAMINATION FOR A DIRECTORSHIP + +(_From "The City Man's Vade Mecum"_) + +_Promoter._ Are you a gentleman of blameless reputation? + +_Candidate._ Certainly, and I share that reputation with a dozen +generations of ancestors. + +_Promoter._ And no doubt you are the soul of honour? + +_Candidate._ That is my belief--a belief shared by all my friends and +acquaintances. + +_Promoter._ And I think, before taking up finance, you have devoted a +long life to the service of your country? + +_Candidate._ That is so. My career has been rewarded by all kinds of +honours. + +_Promoter._ And there is no particular reason why you should dabble in +Stock Exchange matters? + +_Candidate._ None that I know of--save, perhaps, to serve a friend. + +_Promoter._ Now, be very careful. Do you know anything whatever about +the business it is proposed you should superintend? + +_Candidate._ Nothing whatever. I know nothing absolutely about business. + +_Promoter._ Then I have much pleasure in informing you that you have +been unanimously elected a member of the board of management! + + [_Scene closes in until the public demands further information._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "_Perfeck Lidy_" (_who has just been ejected_). "Well, +_next_ time I goes into a publickouse, I'll go somewhere where I'll be +_respected_!"] + + * * * * * + +RIDDLE FOR THE CITY + + Oh! why, my friend, is a joint stock + Concern like, yet unlike, a clock? + Because it may be wound up; when, + Alas! it doesn't go again. + + * * * * * + +THE SEAT OF IMPUDENCE.--A cabman's box. + + * * * * * + +SONG OF SUBURBAN HOUSEHOLDERS AWAITING THE ADVENT OF THE DUSTMAN.--"We +_always_ use a big, big D!" + + * * * * * + +A FLOATING CAPITAL JOKE.--When may a man be said to be literally +immersed in business?--When he's giving a swimming lesson. + + * * * * * + +A CHEERFUL INVESTMENT.--A laughing-stock. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Baker._ "I shall want another ha'penny. Bread's gone up +to-day." + +_Boy._ "Then give us one of yesterday's."] + + * * * * * + +WHY I AM IN TOWN + +Because I have long felt a strong desire to know by personal experiment +what London is like at this season of the year. + +Because the house requires some repairs, and I am anxious to be on the +spot to look after the workpeople. + +Because the progress of my book on Universal Eccentricity renders it +necessary that I should pay frequent visits to the library of the +British Museum. + +Because I have been everywhere, and know every place. + +Because the sanitary condition of the only place I at all care to go to +is not altogether satisfactory. + +Because my Uncle Anthony is expected home every day from Australia, and +I am unwilling to be absent from town when he arrives. + +Because my cousin Selina is going to be married from her stepfather's at +Upper Clapton, and insists on my giving her away to the gentleman with +whom she is about to penetrate into the interior of Africa. + +Because I am desirous to avail myself of this opportunity of completing +some statistical tables I am compiling, showing the comparative numbers +of horses, carriages, and pedestrians passing my dining-room windows on +the last Saturday in May and the last Saturday in August respectively. + +Because my eldest son is reading with a private tutor for his army +examination, and I feel I am of some use to him in his studies. + +Because my Aunt Philippa is detained in town by an attack of gout, and +expects me to call and sit with her three times a day. + +Because I am determined to put into execution my long-cherished design +of thoroughly exploring the British Museum, the National Gallery, the +South Kensington Museum, St. Paul's, Westminster Abbey, the public +monuments, and the City churches. + +Because it is pecuniarily inconvenient to me to be anywhere else. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--The gentleman who, the other day, ran away from home, without +stopping to take his breath, is requested to fetch it as quickly as +possible. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOGGED.--_Cabman_ (_who thinks he has been passing a line +of linkmen_). "Is this right for Paddington?" _Linkman._ "'Course it is! +First to the right and straight on. 'Aven't I told ye that three times +already? Why, you've been drivin' round this square for the last 'arf +hour!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VIRTUOUS INDIGNATION.--_Betting Man_ (_to his Partner_). +"Look 'ere, Joe! I 'ear you've been gamblin' on the Stock Exchange! Now, +a man _must_ draw the line _somewhere_; and if that kind of thing goes +on, you and me will 'ave to part company!"] + + * * * * * + +MISNOMERS + + You start a company to make it go, + It fails, and so you drop it; + It didn't go but yet has gone, and so + You wind it up to stop it. + + Stocks in your garden you will surely find + By want of rain are slaughtered; + Yet many stocks have languished and declined + Because they have been watered. + + Suppose a company for brewing beer + Should come to a cessation-- + That is--"dry up" 'tis curious to hear + It's called "in liquidation." + + * * * * * + +PREHISTORIC LONDON.--Some archæologists have discovered an analogy +between the druidical worship and a form of semitic idolatry. It has +been surmised that the Old Bailey derives its name from having been the +site of a temple of Baal. + + * * * * * + +THE RULE OF ROME.--An "Inquiring City Clerk," fresh from his Roman +history, writes to ask if "S.P.Q.R." stands for "Small profits, quick +returns." + + * * * * * + +A TEMPERANCE PUBLIC-HOUSE.--A slop-shop. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MELTING MOMENTS + +(_Temperature 95° in the Shade._) + +_Friend._ "How does this weather suit you, old chap?" + +_Bankrupt Proprietor._ "Oh, down to the ground! You see, I'm in +liquidation!"] + + * * * * * + +THE ORIGINAL COOK'S TOURIST.--Policeman X on his beat. + + * * * * * + +"THE GREAT PLAGUE OF LONDON."--A barrel-organ. + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST THING OUT.--The night-light. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Johnny_ (_who has to face a bad Monday, to Manager at +Messrs. R-thsch-ld's_). "Ah! I--want to--ah!--see you about an +overdraft." _Manager._ "How much do you require?" _Johnny._ "Ah!--how +much have you got?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _French Lady._ "Picca-di-lee Circus." _Obliging +Conductor._ "All right. One pence." _French Lady_ (_who rather prides +herself on her English pronunciation_). "I anterstond ze Engleeshe +langue." _Obliging Conductor._ "Oh, all right. Keep yer 'air on!"] + + * * * * * + +THE MOST UNPLEASANT MEETING.--Having to meet a bill. + + * * * * * + +WHAT intimate connection is there between the lungs of London and the +lights of the metropolis? + + * * * * * + +SAW FOR SLOP TAILORS.--Ill tweeds shrink apace. + + * * * * * + +A TISSUE OF LIES.--A forged bank-note. + + * * * * * + +A NICE INVESTMENT.--Amongst the advertisements of new undertakings we +notice one of "The Universal Disinfector Company." Our broker has +instructions to procure us some shares, if they are in good odour. + + * * * * * + +A TIGHT FIT.--Intoxication. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO SUPPLY ST. PAUL'S WITH BELLS AND CHIMES _Cheap_.--Melt down the +canons. + + * * * * * + +A THOUGHT FROM OUR TUB.--Respect everybody's feelings. If you wish to +have your laundress's address, avoid asking her where she "hangs out." + + * * * * * + +HARD LINES.--Overhead wires. + + * * * * * + +HOTEL FOR BEE-FANCIERS.--The Hum-mums. + + * * * * * + +UNPRECEDENTED TRADE ANNOUNCEMENT.--The pig-market was quiet. + + * * * * * + +MONEY MARKET AND SANITARY INTELLIGENCE.--The unsafest of all deposits is +the deposit of the banks of the Thames. + + * * * * * + +THE PLACE TO SPEND ALL FOOLS' DAY.--_Madame Tous-sots'._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bus-driver._ "All right, ladies! You're quite safe. +They're werry partikler wot they eats!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS + +The next sensational literary advertisement; or, things of beauty in our +streets.] + + * * * * * + +SOLEMN JEST.--Where should postmen be buried? In a post-crypt. + + * * * * * + +A BLUNDER-BUS.--One that takes you to Holborn when you want to go to the +Bank. + + * * * * * + +EPITAPH FOR A STOCKBROKER.--"Waiting for a rise." + + * * * * * + +BOARD WAGES.--Directors' fees. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STOCK EXCHANGE + +_Illustrated by Dumb-Crambo, Junior_] + +[Illustration: Carrying over] + +[Illustration: Market firm] + +[Illustration: Arranging for a fall] + +[Illustration: Market falling] + +[Illustration: Preparing for a rise] + +[Illustration: Home securities flat] + + * * * * * + +A NEW WAY TO GET A FRESH APPETITE + +(_A real bit from life at a City company's dinner_) + +_Young Visitor._ Really, sir, you must excuse me. I am compelled to +refuse. + +_Old Alderman_ (_with profound astonishment_). What, refuse these +beautiful grouse? It's impossible! + +_Young Visitor._ It _is_ impossible, I can assure you, sir. I cannot eat +any more. + +_Old Alderman_ (_tenderly_). Come, come. I tell you what now. Just take +my advice, and _try a cold chair_. + + * * * * * + +DESIGN FOR A PAPER-WEIGHT.--The portrait of a gentleman waiting for the +_Times_. + + * * * * * + +THE BEST "FINANCIAL RELATIONS."--Our "uncles." + + * * * * * + +AT THE ANGEL COURT KITCHEN.--_Stranger_ (_to Eminent Financier_). Why +did you call that man at the bar "the Microbe"? + +_Eminent Financier._ Because he's "in everything." + + * * * * * + +GROUND RENTS.--The effects of an earthquake. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOLLOWING THE FASHION.--_Baked-Tater Merchant._ "'Ow's +trade! Why fust-rate!! I'm a-goin' to conwert the bis'ness into a +limited liability comp'ny--and retire into private life!!!"] + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF THE STREETS + +UPON THE KERB + + Upon the kerb a maiden neat-- + Her watchet eyes are passing sweet-- + There stands and waits in dire distress: + The muddy road is pitiless, + And 'buses thunder down the street! + + A snowy skirt, all frill and pleat; + Two tiny, well-shod, dainty feet + Peep out, beneath her kilted dress, + Upon the kerb! + + She'll first advance and then retreat, + Half frightened by a hansom fleet. + She looks around, I must confess, + With marvellous coquettishness!-- + Then droops her eyes and looks discreet, + Upon the kerb! + + * * * * * + +Definition of "THE HAPPY MEAN."--A joyful miser. + + * * * * * + +TO PEOPLE DOWN IN THE WORLD.--Try the new hotels: they will give you a +lift. + + * * * * * + +WHAT is the best thing to do in a hurry? Nothing. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sarah_ (_to Sal_). "Lor! ain't 'e 'andy with 'is feet!"] + + * * * * * + +PUNCH'S COUNTRY COUSIN'S GUIDE + +THE METROPOLIS IN THE _MORTE SAISON_ + +8 A.M.--Rise, as in the country, and stroll round the squares before +breakfast, to see the turn out of cooks and charwomen. Ask your way back +of the first policeman you meet. + +9 A.M.--Breakfast. First taste of London milk and butter. Analyse, if +not in a hurry. Any policeman will show you the nearest chemist. + +10 A.M.--To Battersea Park to see carpets beaten. Curious atmospheric +effects observable in the clouds of dust and the language of the +beaters. Inquire your road of any policeman. + +11 A.M.--Take penny steamer up to Westminster Bridge, in time to arrive +at Scotland Yard, and inspect the police as they start on their various +beats. For any information, inquire of the inspector. + +12 P.M.--Hansom cab races. These can be viewed at any hour by standing +still at a hundred yards from any cabstand and holding up a shilling. +An amusing sequel may be enjoyed by referring all the drivers to the +nearest policeman. + +1 P.M.--Observe the beauties of solitude among the flowers in Hyde Park. +Lunch at the lodge on curds and whey. Ask the whey of the park keeper. + +2 P.M.--Visit the exhibitions of painting on the various scaffoldings in +Belgravia. Ask the next policeman if the house painters are Royal +Academicians. Note what he says. + +3 P.M.--Look at the shops in Bond Street and Regent Street, and purchase +the dummy goods disposed of at an awful sacrifice. + +4 P.M.--See the stickleback fed at the Westminster Aquarium. If nervous +at being alone, ask the policeman in waiting to accompany you over the +building. + +5 P.M.--Find a friend still in town to give you five o'clock tea in her +back drawing-room--the front of the house being shut up. + +6 P.M.--Back to the park. Imagine the imposing cavalcades in Rotten Row +(now invisible), with the aid of one exercising groom and the two +daughters of a riding-master in full procession. + +7 P.M.--Wake up the waiters at the Triclinium Restaurant, and persuade +them to warm up dinner for your benefit. + +8 P.M.--Perambulate the Strand, and visit the closed doors of the +various theatres. Ask the nearest policeman for his opinion on London +actors. You will find it as good as a play. + +9 P.M.--A Turkish bath may be had in Covent Garden Theatre. Towels or +programmes are supplied by the policemen at the doors. + +10 P.M.--Converse, before turning in, with the policeman on duty or the +fireman in charge of the fire-escape. Much interesting information may +be obtained in this way. + +11 P.M.--Supper at the cabmen's shelter, or the coffee stall corner of +Hyde Park. Get a policeman to take you home to bed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Benevolent Old Gentleman._ "_Poor_ little thing! Is it +hurt?" + + [_But it was only the week's washing._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AMENITIES OF THE ROAD.--_Robert._ "Now then, +four-wheeler, why couldn't you pull up sooner? Didn't you see me 'old up +my 'and?" _Cabby_ (_suavely_). "Well, constable, I _did_ see a kind of +shadder pass acrorst the sky; but my 'orse 'e shied at your feet!"] + + * * * * * + +_Q._ WHAT is the best sort of cigar to smoke in a hansom? + +_A._ A Cab-ana. + + * * * * * + +THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.--It must have belonged originally to an omnibus, +for it is continually "taking up" and "putting down" people. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Groom_ (_whose master is fully occupied with +unmanageable pair which has just run into rear of omnibus_). "Well, +anyway, it wasn't the guv'nor's fault." + +'_Bus Conductor._ "No--it was _your_ fault, for letting 'im drive!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE WAY WE BUILD NOW."--_Indignant Houseowner_ (_he had +heard it was so much cheaper, in the end, to buy your house_). +"Wh' what's the--what am I!--wha' what do you suppose is the meaning of +this, Mr. Scampling!" + +_Local Builder._ "'T' tut, tut! Well, sir, I 'spects +some one's been a-leanin' agin it!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GETTING HIS ANSWER + +_Important Old Gent_ (_from the country, who thinks the lofty bearing of +these London barmaids ought to be "taken down a bit"_). "Glass of ale, +young woman; and look sharp, please!" + +_Haughty Blonde_ (_blandly_). "Second-class refreshments lower down, +sir!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE MEAT MARKET + +Legs were freely walked off, and there was a pressure on ribs owing to +the rush of beggars; but knuckles came down, while calves'-heads were +looking-up steadily. At Smithfield, there was a rush of bulls, but the +transactions were of such a hazardous nature as to appear more like a +toss-up than firm business. Any kind of security was resorted to, and +the bulls having driven a well-known speculator into a corner, he was +glad to get out as he could, though an attempt was made to pin him to +his position. + +Pigs went on much at the old rates; and briskness could not be obtained, +though the _coupons_ were freely offered. + +The weather having been favourable to slaughtering, calves have not been +brought to the pen--but there is something doing in beef, for the "_Last +of the Barons_" is advertised. + + * * * * * + +THE ORIGINAL CAB RADIUS.--A spoke of Phoebus's chariot-wheel. + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR THE L.G.O.C.--_Bus_ in urbe. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY + +_Old Gentleman (returning from City festivity)._ "Pleashm'n, where'sh +M'sht'r Brown live?" + +_Constable (recognising him)._ "Why, dear me, sir, you are Mr. Brown!" + +_Mr. B._ "Aw right! Bu'--where do I live?"!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Cheap Jack._ "I will make a present of this genooine +gold watch--none of your carrots--to henny lady or gentleman for fifteen +shillings an' sixpence. Why am I doin' this? To hencourage trade, that +is why I am givin' it away for fourteen shillings an' sixpence. Look at +it for yourselves, for fourteen shillings! If yer don't believe it's +gold, _jump on it_?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT THE DIAMOND JUBILEE.--_First Doubtful Character._ "My +eye, mate, this is a squash!" _Second D. C._ "Squash! Why, s'elp me, if +I ain't 'ad my 'and in this cove's pocket for the larst twenty minits, +an' can't get it out!"] + + * * * * * + +BACK TO TOWN + + Back to town, and it certes is rapture to stand, + And to hear once again all the roar of the Strand; + I agree with the bard who said, noisy or stilly, + By gaslight or daylight, he loved Piccadilly; + The wanderer's heart with emotion doth swell, + When he sees the broad pavement of pleasant Pall Mall. + + Some folks like the City; wherever they range, + Their hearts are still true to the Royal Exchange; + They've beheld alpine summits rise rank upon rank, + But the Matterhorn's nothing compared with the Bank; + And they feel quite rejoiced in the omnibus ride, + As that hearse for the living rolls up through Cheapside. + + The mind of a man is expanded by travel, + But give me my house on the Kensington gravel: + The wine of the Frenchman is good, and his grub, + But he isn't devoted to soap and the tub; + Though it may be my prejudice, yet I'll be shot, + If I don't think one Englishman's worth all the lot! + + With Germans I've no disposition to quarrel, + Though most of their women resemble a barrel; + And, as for myself, I could never make out + The charms of their _schnitzel_ and raw _sauer-kraut_; + While everyone owns, since the last mighty war, + Your average Teuton's too bumptious by far. + + I think it's been stated before, that you roam + To prove to yourself that there's no place like home, + Though lands that are lovely lie eastward and west, + Our "tight little island," believe me, 's the best; + Through Paris, Berlin, and Vienna you've passed, + To find that there's nothing like London at last! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _New Assistant (after hair-cutting, to Jones, who has +been away for a couple of weeks)._ "Your 'air is very thin be'ind, sir. +Try singeing!" + +_Jones (after a pause)._ "Yes, I think I will." + +_N. A. (after singeing)._ "Shampoo, sir? Good for the 'air, sir." + +_Jones._ "Thank you. Yes." + +_N. A._ "Your moustaches curled?" + +_Jones._ "Please." + +_N. A._ "May I give you a friction?" + +_Jones._ "Thank you." + +_N. A._ "Will you try some of our----" + +_Manager (who has just sighted his man, in stage whisper)._ "You idiot! +_He's_ a subscriber!!"] + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. was in an omnibus lately. The streets were so badly paved, she +says, that the osculations were most trying to elderly people, though +the younger ladies did not seem to object to them. + + * * * * * + +MORE COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.--"Suits from 35s. to order. Beware of firms +that copy us." + + * * * * * + +SIGNS OF A SEVERE WINTER IN LONDON.--Early departure of swallows from +Swallow Street. + +Poet's Corner covered with rime. + +Wild ducks on the Stock Exchange. + +Coals raised. + + * * * * * + +CYNIC'S MOTTO FOR KELLY'S DIRECTORY (_by the kind permission of the +Author of "Dead Men whom I have known."_)--Living men whom I don't want +to know. + + * * * * * + +MONEY MARKET--Shares, in Ascension Island Company, going up. + + * * * * * + +CITY INTELLIGENCE.--Should the proposed asylum for decayed bill brokers, +jobbers, and others on 'Change be ultimately built, it will probably be +at Stock-holm. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONVENIENT.--_Lodger (who has been dining)._ "D' you have +any 'bjecks'n t' my 'shcaping up into my rooms shec'nd floor? F'got my +la'ch-key!!"] + + * * * * * + +ADVICE TO SMOKERS.--Cut Cavendish. + + * * * * * + +FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.--A new club, composed entirely of aristocratic +literary ladies, is in course of formation; it is to be called "The Blue +Lights." + + * * * * * + +NURSERY RHYME FOR THE TIME + + Bye baby bunting, + Daddy's gone a hunting + On the Stock Exchange, to catch + Some one who is not his match; + If he has luck, + As well as pluck, + A coach he'll very likely win + To ride his baby bunting in. + + * * * * * + +THE DEAF MAN'S PARADISE.--The Audit Office. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "CASTING ACCOUNTS"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR FRENCH VISITORS.--(Scene--_Royal Exchange_). _First +Frenchman (his first time in London)._ "Tiens, Alphonse! Qui est cet +homme-là?" _Second Frenchman (who, having been here once before is +supposed to know all about it)._ "Chut! Plus bas, mon ami." (_Whispers +in reverential tone._) "Ce monsieur-là--c'est le Lor' Maire!"] + + * * * * * + +A VERY MUCH OVER-RATED PLACE.--London, under the County Council. + + * * * * * + +A BILL ACCEPTOR.--A dead wall. + + * * * * * + +SITE FOR A RAGGED SCHOOL.--Tattersall's. + + * * * * * + +LINKS THAT ARE NO SORT OF USE IN ANY FOG.--Shirt-links. + + * * * * * + +THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND BEAUTIFYING TREE IN LONDON.--The plane. + + * * * * * + +"COIGNS OF 'VANTAGE."--_£_ _s_. _d_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BULL AND BEAR] + + * * * * * + +THE "BREAD OF IDLENESS."--Loafing. + + * * * * * + +POEM ON A PUBLIC-HOUSE + + Of this establishment how can we speak? + Its cheese is mitey and its ale is weak. + + * * * * * + +THE ARISTOCRAT'S PARADISE.--Quality Court. + + * * * * * + +"THE CONTROLLER OF THE _MINT_."--The greengrocer. + + * * * * * + +SEASONABLE.--What sort of a bath would a resident of Cornhill probably +prefer? A _Cit's_ bath. + + * * * * * + +THE TIPPLER'S PARADISE.--Portsoken Ward. + + * * * * * + +MONEY MARKET + +[Illustration: Tightness observable at the opening] + +[Illustration: A decline at the close] + +[Illustration: Railways were dull] + +[Illustration: Bullyin' movements] + + * * * * * + +THE STOCKBROKER'S VADE MECUM.--A book of good quotations. + + * * * * * + +EPITAPH ON A LETTER CARRIER.--_Post obit._ + + * * * * * + +A MAN IN ADVANCE OF HIS TIME.--One who has been knocked into the middle +of next week. + + * * * * * + +THE LORD MAYOR'S RESIDENCE.--The munching house. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEW TERROR FOR THE UNPUNCTUAL CLERK + +[According to the _Scientific American_ they have commenced making in +Switzerland phonographic clocks and watches, which pronounce the hour +most distinctly.] + +] + + * * * * * + +THE BEST SCHOOL OF COOKERY.--The office of a City accountant. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE OBSTINACY OF THE PARENT + +_Emily Jane._ "Yes, I'm always a-sayin' to father as 'e oughter retire +from the crossin', but keep at it 'e will, though it ain't just no more +'n the broom as 'olds 'im up!"] + + * * * * * + +THE MONEY MARKET + +The scarcity of money is frightful. As much as a hundred per cent., to +be paid in advance, has been asked upon bills; but we have not yet heard +of any one having given it. There was an immense run for gold, but no +one got any, and the whole of the transactions of the day were done in +copper. An influential party created some sensation by coming into the +market late in the afternoon, just before the close of business, with +half-a-crown; but it was found, on inquiry, to be a bad one. It is +expected that if the dearth of money continues another week, buttons +must be resorted to. A party, whose transactions are known to be large, +succeeded in settling his account with the bulls, by means of +postage-stamps; an arrangement of which the bears will probably take +advantage. + +A large capitalist in the course of the day attempted to change the +direction things had taken, by throwing an immense quantity of paper +into the market; but as no one seemed disposed to have anything to do +with it, it blew over. + +The parties to the Dutch loan are much irritated at being asked to take +their dividends in butter; but, after the insane attempt to get rid of +the Spanish arrears by cigars, which, it is well known, ended in smoke, +we do not think the Dutch project will be proceeded with. + + * * * * * + +"LETTERS OF CREDIT."--I.O.U. + + * * * * * + +CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.--Stopping in London in August. + + * * * * * + +RESIDENCE FOR THE CLERK OF THE WEATHER.--"The clearing-house." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MAN OF LETTERS] + +[Illustration: MOST ASSURING.--_Brown (who is nervous about sanitary +matters, and detects something)._ "Hum"--(_sniffs_)--"surely--this +system of yours--these pipes now--do they communicate with your main +drain?" _Hairdresser (with cheery gusto)._ "Direct, sir!" + + [_Tableau._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Gilded Johnny._ "How long will it take your bally cab to +get to Victoria?" + +_Cabby._ "Oh, just about the same time as an ordinary keb, sir."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND" + +_Respectable Man._ "Dear me! I'm sorry to see this, Muggles! I heard +you'd left off drinking!" + +_Disreputable Party._ "Sho I 'ave, shir--(_hic_)--jesh 'ish very +minute!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OBVIOUS.--_Stingy Uncle (to impecunious Nephew)._ "Pay as +you go, my boy!--Pay as you go!" + +_Nephew (suggestively)._ "But suppose I haven't any money to pay with, +uncle----" + +_Uncle._ "Eh?--Well, then, don't go, you know--don't go!" + + [_Exit hastily_. + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Street Serio (singing)._ "Er--yew will think hov me and +love me has in dies hov long ago-o-o!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHEWERFIT & C^o. + + ARTISTS IN HAIR + FACE MASSAGE + MANICURE + CHIROPODY + BLOOM OF CUPID + FOR THE COMPLEXION + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: REAL GRATITUDE + +_Tramp (to Chappie, who has just given him a shilling)._ "I 'ope as 'ow +some day, sir, _you_ may want a shillin', an' that I'll be able to give +it to yer!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Vendor of Cheap Music._ "'Ere y' are, lidy! _'I'll be +yer Sweet'art.'_ One penny!"] + + * * * * * + +CORRESPONDENCE + +If you please, sir, as a young visitor to the metropolis, and well +acquainted with history, I want to ask you-- + +Who is the Constable of the Tower? + +What is his number? + +Is he dressed like other constables? + +Can he run anyone in, and make them move on if found loitering on +his beat? + +Is his beat all round the Tower? + +Is he a special? one of the _force de tour_, empowered to use a +_tour de force_? (You see I am well up in French.) + +I saw a very amiable-looking policeman cracking nuts in the +vicinity of the Tower. Do you think this was the constable in +question? + +Yours, + +RUSTY CUSS IN URBE. + + P.S.--Pantheon means a place where all the gods are. I know Greek. + The Pantheon in Regent Street I find is now a wine merchant's. Is + England exclusively devoted to Bacchus, and is temperance a heresy? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ON THE NINTH. + +_Freddy._ "And do they have a new Lord Mayor every year, mummie?" + +_Mother._ "Yes, dear." + +_Freddy._ "Then what do they do with the old Lord Mayors when they've +done with 'em?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Clerk._ "Lady been here this morning, sir, complaining +about some goods we sent her." _Employer._ "Who was she?" _Clerk._ "I +quite forgot to ask her name, sir, but she's a little woman--_with a +full-sized tongue_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Little Boldwig_ (_he had been dining with his Company, +and had let himself in with his latchkey--to gigantic stranger he finds +in his hall_). "Come on. I'll fight you!" (_Furiously._) "Put your +shtick down!!" + + [_But his imaginary foe was only the new umbrella-stand_--_a present + from Mrs. B.!_ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MAKING THE MOST OF IT] + +A SHOCKING THING TO THINK OF!--A galvanic battery. + + * * * * * + +"CASH ADVANCES."--Courting a rich widow. + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR HAIRDRESSERS.--"Cut and comb again." + + * * * * * + +CORRECT MOTTO FOR THE EASY SHAVER.--Nothing like lather. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ADVERTISEMENT INADVERTENCIES + +_Perpetrated by Dumb-Crambo, Junior_] + +[Illustration: "Suitable opening for a pupil"] + +[Illustration: "Pushing man to take orders"] + +[Illustration: "No reasonable offer refused"] + +[Illustration: "Mother's help wanted"] + +[Illustration: "A good plate cleaner"] + +[Illustration: "Goods carefully removed (in town or country)"] + + * * * * * + +THE BEST POSSESSION.--Self-possession. + + * * * * * + +TWO SYNONYMOUS TRADES.--A hairdresser; a locksmith. + + * * * * * + +THE BEST SUBSTITUTE FOR COAL.--Warm weather. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PASSING AMENITIES.--_Growler._ "Hi! Hi! Carn't yer look +out wher' yer a-comin'?" _Omnibus._ "Garn! Shut up, jack-in-the-box!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I wonder when that A. B. C. girl is going to serve us? +I've called her half-a-dozen times." + +"Perhaps she's D. E. F."] + + * * * * * + +TOWN IMPROVEMENT.--There is, we hear, a winter garden to be opened at +Somer's Town. + + * * * * * + +THE DUMMY-MONDE.--Madame Tussaud's wax-work. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO INVITING!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Passenger_ (_rising politely_). "Excuse me, mum, but do +you believe in woman's rights?" + +_New Woman._ "Most certainly I do." + +_Passenger_ (_resuming seat_). "Oh well, then stand up for 'em!"] + + * * * * * + +DESPERATE RESOLVES OF THE LAST MAN LEFT IN TOWN + +To visit the National Gallery (for the first time), as an Englishman +should really know something about the art treasures of his native +country. + +To spend an hour at the Tower (also for the first time), because there +you will be able to brighten up your historical recollections which have +become rather rusty since you took your B.A. degree just fifteen years +ago. + +To enter St. Paul's Cathedral with a view to thinking out a really good +plan of decoration for the benefit of those who read letters addressed +to the editor of the _Times_. + +To take a ride in an omnibus from Piccadilly to Brompton to see what the +interior of the vehicle in question is like, and therein to study the +manners and customs of the English middle classes. + +To walk in Rotten Row between the hours of twelve (noon) and two (p.m.) +to see how the place looks without any people in it. + +To have your photograph taken in your militia uniform, as now there is +no one in town to watch you getting out of a cab in full war paint. + +To stroll into Mudie's Library to get all the new novels, because after +reading them you may suddenly find yourself inspired to write a critique +that will make your name (when the article has been accepted and +published) as a most accomplished reviewer. + +To read all the newspapers and magazines at the hairdresser's while your +head is being shampooed (for the fourth time), as now is the time for +improving your mind (occupied with so many other things during the +season) with popular current literature. + +To walk to your club (closed for repairs, &c.) to see how the workmen +are progressing with the stone scraping of the exterior, as you feel +yourself responsible to hundreds of your fellow-creatures as a member of +the house committee. + +To write a long letter to your friend Brown, of the 121st Foot, now in +India with his regiment, to tell him how nothing is going on anywhere, +because you have not written to him since he said "Good-bye" to you at +Southampton. + +To go home to bed at nine o'clock, as early hours are good for the +health, and because there is really nothing else to do. + +And last, but not least, to leave London for the country by the very +first train to-morrow morning! + + * * * * * + +MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING IN THE CITY + + Sigh no more dealers, sigh no more, + Shares were unstable ever, + They often have been down before, + At high rates constant never. + Then sigh not so, + Soon up they'll go, + And you'll be blithe and funny, + Converting all your notes of woe + Into hey, money, money. + + Write no more letters, write no mo + On stocks so dull and heavy. + At times on 'Change 'tis always so, + When bears a tribute levy. + Then sigh not so, + And don't be low, + In sunshine you'll make honey, + Converting all your notes of woe, + Into hey, money, money. + + * * * * * + +"THE DESERTED VILLAGE."--London in September. + + * * * * * + +THE CLOCKMAKER'S PARADISE.--Seven Dials. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STUDIES IN EVOLUTION.--Alderman Brownjones senior +explains to his son, Alderman Brownjones junior, that there is a +lamentable falling-off since _his_ day, in the breed of +aldermen-sheriffs--not only in style and bearing, but even in +"happetite"!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Gent_ (_rushing out of club in a terrific hurry_). "I +say, cabby, drive as fast as you can to Waterloo--Leatherhead!" + +_Cabby._ "'Ere, I say, not so much of your _leather'ed_, if you please!" + + [_Goes off grumbling._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mrs. Snobson_ (_who is doing a little slumming for the +first time and wishes to appear affable, but is at a loss to know how to +commence conversation_). "Town very empty!"] + + * * * * * + +NEW EDITION OF WALKER + + The baker rolls. + The butcher shambles. + The banker balances himself well. + The cook has a mincing gait. + The livery-stable keeper has a "_musing_ gait." + The excursionist trips along. + The fishmonger flounders on. + The poulterer waddles like a duck. + The gardener does not allow the grass to grow under his feet. + The grocer treads gingerly. + The indiarubber manufacturer has an elastic step. + The rogue shuffles, and + The doctor's pace is killing. + + * * * * * + +SHOPKEEPER'S SCIENCE.--Buyology. + + * * * * * + +PEOPLE talk about making a clean sweep. Can they make a sweep clean? + + * * * * * + +BENEATH ONE'S NOTICE.--Advertisements on the pavement. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE ABSENT-MINDED BEGGAR" (_With apologies to Mr. +Kipling_)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Talkative Old Lady_ (_drinking a glass of milk, to +enthusiastic teetotaler, who is doing ditto_). "Yes, sir, since they're +begun poisoning the beer, we _must_ drink _something_, mustn't we?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Small Boy_ (_who is somewhat cramped for room_). "Are +you still there, Billy? I thought you wos lost."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Irate Old Gentleman._ "Here, I say, your beast of a dog +has bitten a piece out of my leg!" _Dog's Owner._ "Oh, bother! And I +wanted to bring him up a vegetarian!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "'Ad any breakfus' 's mornin'?" "Not a drop!"] + + * * * * * + +THE INFANT'S GUIDE TO KNOWLEDGE + +CONCERNING CASH + +_Question._ What is cash? + +_Answer._ Cash may be described as comfort in the concrete. + +_Q._ Is it not sometimes called "the root of all evil"? + +_A._ Yes, by those who do not possess it. + +_Q._ Is it possible to live without cash? + +_A._ Certainly--upon credit. + +_Q._ Can you tell me what is credit? + +_A._ Credit is the motive power which induces persons who have cash, to +part with some of it to those who have it not. + +_Q._ Can you give me an instance of credit? + +_A._ Certainly. A young man who is able to live at the rate of a +thousand a-year, with an income not exceeding nothing a month, is a case +of credit. + +_Q._ Would it be right to describe such a transaction as "much to his +credit"? + +_A._ It would be more precise to say, "much by his credit"; although +the former phrase would be accepted by a large class of the community as +absolutely accurate. + +_Q._ What is bimetallism? + +_A._ Bimetallism is a subject that is frequently discussed by amateur +financiers, after a good dinner, on the near approach of the coffee. + +_Q._ Can you give me your impression of the theory of bimetallism? + +_A._ My impression of bimetallism is the advisability of obtaining +silver, if you cannot get gold. + +_Q._ What is the best way of securing gold? + +_A._ The safest way is to borrow it. + +_Q._ Can money be obtained in any other way? + +_A._ In the olden time it was gathered on Hounslow Heath and other +deserted spots, by mounted horsemen wearing masks and carrying pistols. + +_Q._ What is the modern way of securing funds, on the same principles, +but with smaller risk? + +_A._ By promoting companies and other expedients known to the members of +the Stock Exchange. + + * * * * * + +A GOOD FIGURE-HEAD.--An arithmetician's. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN EMPTY EMBRACE.--"'Ere y'are! Humberella rings, two a +penny!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Conductor_ (_on "Elephant and Castle" route_). "Fares, +please!" + +_Fare._ "Two elephants!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ONE OF "LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIES"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OVERHEARD OUTSIDE A FAMOUS RESTAURANT + +"Hullo, Gus! What are you waiting about here for?" + +"I'm waiting till the banks close. I want to cash a cheque!"] + + * * * * * + +"UNSATISFACTORY COMMERCIAL RELATIONS."--Our "uncles." + + * * * * * + +COUNTRY SHAREHOLDERS.--Ploughmen. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Working Man, sitting on the steps of a big house in, +say, Russell Square, smoking pipe. A mate passes by with plumbing tools, +&c._ + +_Man with tools._ "Hullo, Jim! Wot are yer doin' 'ere? Caretakin'?" + +_Man on steps._ "No. I'm the howner, 'ere." + +_Man with tools._ "'Ow's that?" + +_Man on steps._ "Why, I did a bit o' plumbing in the 'ouse, an' I took +the place in part payment for the job."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GLORIOUS FIFTH + +_Benevolent Lady_ (_fond of the good old customs_). "Here, my boy, is +something for your guy." + +_Conscientious Youth._ "We ain't got no guy, mum; this 'ere's +grandfather!"] + + * * * * * + +A "YOUNG SHAVER."--A barber's baby. + + * * * * * + +JOINT ACCOUNT.--A butcher's bill. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AFTER "THE SLUMP" IN THE CITY.--_Weak Speculator in South +African market_ (_about to pay the barber who has been shaving him_). "A +shilling! eh? Why, your charge used to be only sixpence." _City Barber._ +"Yes, sir; _but you've got such a long face_, we're obliged to increase +the price!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I don't arst yer fer money. I don't _want_ money. Wot I +wants is bread. _'Ave_ yer got such a thing as a bit o' bread about yer, +me lord?"] + + * * * * * + +THE PROMOTER'S VADE MECUM + +(_Subject to Revision after the Vacation_) + +_Question._ What is meant by the promotion of a company? + +_Answer._ The process of separating capital from its possessor. + +_Q._ How is this end accomplished? + +_A._ By the preparation and publication of a prospectus. + +_Q._ Of what does a prospectus consist? + +_A._ A front page and a statement of facts. + +_Q._ Define a front page. + +_A._ The bait covering the hook, the lane leading to the pitfall, the +lath concealing the quagmire--occasionally. + +_Q._ Of what is a front page composed? + +_A._ Titles, and other suggestions of respectability. + +_Q._ How are these suggestions obtained? + +_A._ In the customary fashion. + +_Q._ Can a banking account be put to any particular service in the +promotion of a company? + +_A._ Certainly; it eases the wheels in all directions. + +_Q._ Can it obtain the good-will of the Press? + +_A._ Only of questionable and usually short-lived periodicals. + +_Q._ But the destination of the cash scarcely affects the promoter? + +_A._ No; for he loses in any case. + +_Q._ How much of his profits does he sometimes have to disgorge? + +_A._ According to circumstances, from three-fifths to +nineteen-twentieths of his easily-secured takings. + +_Q._ And what does promotion do for the promoter? + +_A._ It usually bestows upon him temporary prosperity. + +_Q._ Why do you say "temporary"? + +_A._ Because a pleasant present is frequently followed by a disastrous +future. + +_Q._ You mean, then, that this prosperity is like the companies +promoted, "limited"? + +_A._ Yes, by the Court of Bankruptcy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ON 'CHANGE" + +_Brown._ "Mornin'. Fresh mornin', ain't it?" + +_Smith._ "'Course it is. Every morning's a fresh morning! By-bye!" + + [_Brown's temper all day is quite unbearable._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sympathetic Passer-by._ "But if he's badly hurt, why +doesn't he go to the hospital?" _British Workman._ "Wot! In 'is +dinner-time!!"] + + * * * * * + +ADVERTISEMENT PERVERSIONS (_By Dumb-Crambo, Junior_) + +[Illustration: Washing wanted] + +[Illustration: Vacancy for one pupil] + +[Illustration: Improver wanted in the dressmaking] + +[Illustration: Left-off clothing] + +[Illustration: Branch establishment] + +[Illustration: Engagement wanted, as housekeeper. Highly recommended] + +[Illustration: Board and residence] + +[Illustration: Unfurnished flat] + +[Illustration: Smart youth wanted] + +[Illustration: Mangling done on the shortest notice] + + * * * * * + +RIVER STYX.--"The thousand masts of Thames." + + * * * * * + +THE MAN WE SHOULD LIKE TO SEND TO A SÉANCE.--The man who knows how to +hit the happy medium. + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE _LOCALE_ FOR THE DAIRY SHOW.--Chalk Farm. + + * * * * * + +A TIDY DROP.--A glass of spirits, _neat_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LORD MAYOR'S SHOW AS IT OUGHT TO BE + +_Designed by Mr. Punch's Special Processionist_] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANOTHER SUGGESTION FOR THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW AS IT OUGHT +TO BE] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "'Nuts for the monkeys, sir? Buy a bag o' nuts for the +monkeys!" + +"I'm not going to the Zoo." + +"Ah, well, sir, have some to take home to the children!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HYDE PARK, MAY 1 + +_Country Cousin._ "What is the meaning of this, policeman?" + +_Constable._ "Labour day, miss."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Boy_ (_to Cabby with somewhat shadowy horse_). "Look +'ere, guv'nor, you'd better tie a knot in 'is tail afore 'e gets wet, or +'e might slip through 'is collar!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Indignant Cabby._ "Shockin' bad 'orse, 'ave I? And wot's +this hextra tuppence for?--to buy a new 'un with, eh?"] + + * * * * * + +QUIDDITIES.--_For the Old Ladies._ A tea-party without scandal is like a +knife without a handle. + +Words without deeds are like the husks without the seeds. + +Features without grace are like a clock without a face. + +A land without the laws is like a cat without her claws. + +Life without cheer is like a cellar without beer. + +A master without a cane is like a rider without the rein. + +Marriage without means is like a horse without his beans. + +A man without a wife is like a fork without a knife. + +A quarrel without fighting is like thunder without lightning. + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR A SELF-MADE AND SUCCESSFUL MONEY-LENDER.--"A loan I did it!" + + * * * * * + +IMPROPER EXPRESSION.--Let it never be said, that when a man jumps for +joy, "his delight knows no _bounds_." + + * * * * * + +THE opposite to a tea-fight--A coffee-mill. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TIP-CAT SEASON HAS NOW COMMENCED + +_Street Urchin._ "Now then, old 'un----Fore!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Crossing-Sweeper_ (_to Brown, whose greatest pride is +his new brougham, diminutive driver, &c._). "'Igh! Stop! You've lost +somethin'--the coachman!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Irate Bus Driver._ "You wouldn't do that for me, would +yer?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT THE STORES. BUY--OUR TAPESTRY ARTIST] + + * * * * * + +CATTLE-SHOW WEEK + +(_By Dumb-Crambo, Junior_) + +[Illustration: Scotch polled] + +[Illustration: Best wether] + +[Illustration: Class for roots] + +[Illustration: Steers] + +[Illustration: Best butter] + +[Illustration: Cross bred] + + * * * * * + +THE LINEN TRADE.--There have been a few transactions in rags at +threepence a pound, and an extensive bone-grubber caused considerable +excitement by bringing a quantity of waste-paper into the market which +turned the scale in his own favour. + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR A MOURNING WAREHOUSE.--Die and let live. + + * * * * * + +OUT OF PLACE.--A vegetarian at the Cattle Show. + + * * * * * + +A FINANCIAL AUTHORITY BADLY WANTED.--The man who can say "bogus" to the +investing goose. + + * * * * * + +THE VEGETABLE MARKET.--Asparagus is looking up, and radishes are taking +a downward direction. Peas were almost nothing at the opening; and new +potatoes were buoyant in the basket, but turned out rather heavy at the +settling. A rush of bulls through the market had a dreadful effect upon +apple-stalls and other minor securities; but all the established houses +stood their ground, though the run occasioned a panic among some of the +proprietors. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE QUARTERLY ACCOUNTS.--_Clerk._ "Sorry to say, sir, +there's a saddle we can't account for. Can't find out who it was sent +to." + +_Employer._ "Charge it on all the bills."] + + * * * * * + +A LOVE SONG OF THE MONEY-MARKET + + I will not ask thee to be mine, + Because I love thee far too well; + Ah! what I feel, who thus resign + All hope in life, no words can tell. + Only the dictate I obey + Of deep affection's strong excess, + When, dearest, in despair, I say + Farewell to thee and happiness. + + Thy face, so tranquil and serene, + To see bedimmed I could not bear, + Pinched with hard thrift's expression mean, + Disfigured with the lines of care, + I could not brook the day to see + When thou would'st not, as thou hast now, + Have all those things surrounding thee + That light the eye and smooth the brow. + + Thou wilt smile calmly at my fear + That want would e'er approach our door; + I know it must to thee appear + A melancholy dream: no more. + Wilt thou not be with riches blest? + Is not my fortune ample too? + Must I not, therefore, be possessed, + To feel that dread, of devils blue? + + Alas! my wealth, that should maintain, + My bride in glory and in joy, + Is built on a foundation vain, + Which soon a tempest will destroy. + Yes, yes, an interest high, I know + My capital at present bears; + But in a moment it may go: + It is invested all in shares. + + The company is doomed to fall, + Spreading around disaster dire, + I hear that the directors all + Are rogues--the greatest rogue thy sire! + Go--seek a happier, wiser mate, + Who had the wit to be content + With the returns of his estate, + And with Consols at three per cent! + + * * * * * + +THE FEAST OF ALL FOOLS.--More than is good for them. + + * * * * * + +THE "LAP" OF LUXURY.--Genuine milk in London. + + * * * * * + +DISH FOR DIDDLED SHAREHOLDERS.--Bubble and squeak. + + * * * * * + +SCIENCE GOSSIP.--"A City Clerk and a Naturalist" asks whether there is +not a bird called the _ditto ditto_. Is he not thinking of our old +acquaintance, the do-do? + + * * * * * + +HOW TO MAKE MONEY.--Get a situation in the Mint.--_Economist._ + + * * * * * + +STRANGE COIN.--Forty _odd_ pounds! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MOMENTOUS QUESTION.--_Paterfamilias (who is just +beginning to feel himself at home in his delightfully new suburban +residence) interrupts the wife of his bosom._ "'Seaside!' 'Change of +air!!' 'Out of town!!!' What nonsense, Anna Maria! Why, good gracious +me! what on earth can you want to be going '_out of town_' for, when +you've got such a garden as _this_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUGGESTIVE + +_Dissipated Ballad Howler._ "Sweet spirit, 'ear my prayer!"] + + * * * * * + +A CORRECTOR OF THE PRESS.--A policeman at a crowded crossing. + + * * * * * + +NEVER ON ITS LEGS.--The most constant faller in the metropolis: the +Strand, because it is always being picked up. + + * * * * * + +THE MARKETS.--There was a good deal of liveliness in hops, and a party +of strangers, who seemed to act together, took off the contents of all +the _pockets_ they could lay hold of. There was little doing in corn, +and what barley came in was converted into barley-water for a large +consumer. Peas were distributed freely in small samples through the +market, by means of tin tubes; and as usual there was a good deal of +roguery in grain, which it was found necessary to guard against. + + * * * * * + +THE FORTNIGHTLY REVIEW.--The account day on the Stock Exchange. + + * * * * * + +A REGULAR MAKE-SHIFT.--The sewing machine. + + * * * * * + +CITY INTELLIGENCE.--We read, in a great aldermanic authority, that "a +dinner is on the _tapis_." The _tapis_ alluded to is, of course, +Gob'lin? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RESULT OF CARELESS BILL-POSTING] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SKETCH NEAR PICCADILLY] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MADAME CHRYSANTHÈME + +(_With apologies to "Pierre Loti."_)] + + * * * * * + +A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION.--_Mrs. Griddleton._ What are those square +things, coachman, you put over the poor horse's eyes? + +_Driver._ Blinkers, ma'am. + +_Mrs. G._ Why do you put them on, coachman? + +_Driver._ To prevent the 'orse from blinking, ma'am. + + [_Inquiry closed._ + + * * * * * + +INSCRIPTION FOR STREET LETTER-BOXES.--"From Pillar to Post." + + * * * * * + +HOW THE TRUTH LEAKS OUT! + +SCENE--_Hyde Park. Time: Five o'clock._ + +_Friend._ Any news? Anything in the papers? + +_Government Clerk._ Can't say. Haven't been to the office to-day, my +boy. + + * * * * * + +WHY should a chimney-sweeper be a good whist player? Because he's always +following soot. + + * * * * * + +BUSINESS.--_Inquirer_ (_drawing up prospectus_). Shall I write "Company" +with a big C? + +_Honest Broker._ Certainly, if it's a sound one, as it represents +"Company" with a capital. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Shave, or hair cut, sir?" + +"_Corns_, you fool!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOT FOR JOSEPH!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROOF POSITIVE + +_Old Lady._ "Do they sell good 'sperrits' at this 'ouse, mister?" + +'_Spectable-looking Man_ (_But_--). "Mos' d'schid'ly, look't (hic) me, +mad'm--for shev'n p'nsh a'penny!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE SINKING FUND.--The Royal Humane Society's income. + + * * * * * + +SHREWD SUGGESTION.--It often happens, when the husband fails to be home +to dinner, that it is one of his _fast_ days. + + * * * * * + +THE SCHOOL OF ADVERSITY.--A ragged school. + + * * * * * + +NEVER WASTE YOUR TIME.--Waste somebody else's. + + * * * * * + +MEN OF _THE_ TIME.--Chronometer makers. + + * * * * * + +A MAN IN ADVANCE OF HIS TIME.--One who has been knocked into the middle +of next week. + + * * * * * + +THE DEAF MAN'S PARADISE.--The Audit Office. + + * * * * * + +SITE FOR A RAGGED SCHOOL.--Tattersall's. + + * * * * * + +STUFF AND NONSENSE.--A City Banquet, and the speeches after it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ZOOLOGY + +"That's a porkypine, Sarah." + +"No, it ain't, Bill. It's a orstridge!"] + + * * * * * + +THE FISH MARKET.--Flounders were of course flat, but to the surprise of +everyone they showed an inclination to come round towards the afternoon, +and there were one or two transactions in whelks, but they were all of a +comparatively insignificant character. Lobsters' claws were lazy at the +opening, but closed heavily; and those who had a hand in them would +gladly have been released if such a course had been possible. + + * * * * * + +"THE BEST POLICY."--That with the largest bonus. + + * * * * * + +FALSE QUANTITY.--Short measure. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN UNUSUAL FLOW OF SPIRITS] + + * * * * * + +CONSOLATION STAKES.--Those you get at a City tavern the day after you +have tried to eat the article at home. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A HORRIBLE BUSINESS.--_Master Butcher._ "Did you take old +Major Dumbledore's ribs to No. 12?" _Boy._ "Yes, sir." _Master Butcher._ +"Then, cut Miss Wiggles's shoulder and neck, and hang Mr. Foodle's legs +until they're quite tender!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Little Girl_ (_to Newsvendor, from whom she has just +purchased the latest war special_). "'Ere's your _paper_! Father says, +if you don't mind 'e 'd rather 'ave the bill, 'cos there's more news in +it."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_from the country_). "Well, I never! And to +think burglary should have become a regular respectable trade!"] + + * * * * * + +A SPECULATOR'S APOLOGY.--You can't make the pot boil without bubbles. + + * * * * * + +TABLE-TURNING.--Looking for a train in _Bradshaw_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ARMS FOR THE PROPOSED NEW WEST-END STOCK EXCHANGE + +(_To be placed over the principal entrance._) + +On a chevron _vert_, a pigeon plucked _proper_, between three rooks +peckant, clawed and beaked _gules_. Crest: a head Semitic grimnant, +winkant, above two pipes laid saltier-wise, _argent_, environed with a +halo of bubbles _or_. Supporters: a bull and bear rampant _sable_, +dented, hoofed and clawed _gules_. Motto: "Let us prey."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SENSITIVE PLANT.--"What, back in town already, old +chappie?" + +"Yes, old chappie. Couldn't stand the country any longer. Cuckoo gave me +the headache!"] + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL NEWS + +Policeman O, No. I, has got such an accumulation of corn in bond, under +a tight boot, that it is expected he will be allowed the benefit of +nominal or fixed duty. He is one of the most extensive growers of corn +in the kingdom, and always has on foot a prodigious quantity, which, +when he is in competition with those who try to take advantage of his +position, must naturally prevent him from striking the average. + +Onions were dull at fourpence a rope, and wild ducks were heavy, with +sand inside, at three and sixpence a couple. + +A considerable deal of business was done in flat-irons on New Year's +Day, and there was a trifling advance upon them everywhere. + +The dividends on pawnbrokers' stock were payable last week, but the +defaulters were very numerous. A highly respectable party in the City, +in order to provide for interest coming due, is understood to have +funded the greater part of his summer wardrobe. + +Long fours, in the candle-market, were dull, but the ten and a half +reduced rushlights brightened up towards the close of the day +surprisingly. + + * * * * * + +PERSONS WHO WOULD BENEFIT BY CREMATION.--Charwomen. + + * * * * * + +FORCED POLITENESS.--Bowing to circumstances. + + * * * * * + +A NAME OF ILL OMEN.--Persons who are subject to fits of toothache, and +do not wish to be reminded of their distressing malady, should avoid +going down Long Acre. + + * * * * * + +PAWNBROKERS' "DUPLICATES."--Their twins. + + * * * * * + +HAGIOLOGY ON 'CHANGE.--_The Brokers' Patron_--St. Simon Stock. + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR A TAILOR WHO MAKES COATS OF THE BEST ENDURING CLOTH.--_Fuimus, +i.e., We Wear._ + + * * * * * + +THE LICENSING SYSTEM.--The big brewer is a vulture, and the unpaid +magistrate instrumental to his rapacity is that vulture's beak. + + * * * * * + +THE BEST NOTE PAPER.--Bank of England. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR + +_Cabby_ (_to Gent who has been dining out_). "'Ere y'are, sir. This is +your 'ouse--get out--be careful, sir--'ere's the step?" + +_Gent._ "Yesh. Thash allri, but wersh my _feet?_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Employer_ (_who simply_ WON'T _take any excuse for +unpunctuality_). "You are very late, Mr. Jones. Go back at once, and +come at the proper time!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Hairdresser._ "Hair begins to get very thin, sir." + +_Customer._ "Yes." + +_Hairdresser._ "Have you tried our tonic lotion?" + +_Customer._ "Yes. That didn't do it though."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I 'ear that Tholomon Arons 'as 'ad 'is shop burnt out!" + +"Well, 'e 'th a very good feller, Aronth ith. 'E detherves it!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOW THE POOR LIVE + +The Rev. Mr. Smirk has brought an American millionaire friend to see for +himself the distressed state of the poor of his parish. + + [_He'll give them a little notice next time._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Workman._ "Wot's it say, Bill, on that old +sun-dial?" _Second Workman_ (_reading deliberately_). "It says, +'Do--to--day's-work--to--day.'" _First W._ "'_Do TWO days' work +to-day!_' Wot O! Not me!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOCIAL EVOLUTION.--_Tramp_ (_to benevolent but +inquisitive lady_).--"Well, you see, mum, it were like this. I were a +'addick smoker by profession; then I got ill, and 'ad to go to the +'orspital; then I sold cats meat; but some'ow or other I got into _low +water_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Miss Smith._ "We've just come from Tannhauser, doctor." +_The Doctor_ (_very deaf_). "Indeed! I hope you had better weather than +we've been having!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FAMILIAR PHRASE EXPLAINED. + +_Robinson._ "Well, old chap, how did you sleep last night?" + +_Smith_ (_who had dined out_). "'Like a top.' As soon as my head touched +the pillow, it went round and round!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Cab Tout._ "I say, Bill, lend me sixpence." + +_Cabby._ "I can't; but I can lend you fourpence." + +_Cab Tout._ "All right. Then you'l owe me twopence."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Barber._ "Your 'air's getting very thin on the top, sir. +I should recommend our wash." + +_Customer._ "May I ask if that invigorating liquid is what _you_ have +been in the habit of using?" + + [_Dead silence._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOGGY WEATHER.--"Has Mr. Smith been here?" + +"Yes; he was here about an hour ago." + +"Was I with him?"] + + * * * * * + +HIGHLY PROBABLE.--We understand that in consequence of the high price of +meat, the Beef-eaters at the Tower have all turned vegetarians. + + * * * * * + +WHAT MILLIONAIRES SMOKE.--Golden returns. + + * * * * * + +THE UNIVERSAL WATCHWORD.--Tick! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Life in London, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. 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