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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 20:12:26 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/39315-8.txt b/39315-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..81eca26 --- /dev/null +++ b/39315-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1796 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, +Nov. 11, 1887, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, Nov. 11, 1887 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 31, 2012 [EBook #39315] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. +VOL. 93. +NOVEMBER 12, 1887. + + + THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. + + FROM A HOME-SICK SECRETARY. + + _By Guildford, Saturday._ + +[Illustration: D]EAR TOBY, + +I HOPE you will forgive my not being more precise as to my whereabouts. +The fact is if I can get away from London for a day or two without +leaving my address, I am only too glad to do so. I was at the Cabinet +Council on Thursday, afterwards ran down here, _et j'y reste_, at any +rate over Sunday. I am getting more and more tired of London, and the +office sardonically called "Home." It has never been a sweet +resting-place, and of late has grown absolutely intolerable. I used once +to have Sunday to myself; but now, owing to the new-born church-going +fervour of the Unemployed, Sunday is the worst day of the week. So when +opportunity offers, as just now, I cut the whole business and get me +into the sweet seclusion of Surrey. + +I see by the papers that I am about to resign office, and retire into +that private life, upon which during the past twelve months I have +looked back with increasing affection. Perhaps the statement is true, +and perhaps the Markiss would say it is "not authentic." We shall see. +In the mean time, at this distance from Parliament Street, I get the +advantage of perspective in regarding the office of Home Secretary. Down +here it seems odd enough that it should be so much hankered after by men +of various temperaments. H-NRY J-M-S wanted it at the time H-RC-RT +secured it. It had a strange fascination for L-WE, and I am disclosing +no secret when I mention that my old friend and patron, GR-ND-LPH, +fancies it would suit him down to the ground. I only wish he would try +it. If I were certain that he would come in, it might have some effect +in hastening my decision on the question of resignation. Of course +GR-ND-LPH and I remain on terms of friendliest regard. I am indebted to +him for a sudden promotion exceeding the hopes of the most sanguine +politician. Still, I would like to see him at the Home Office, if only +for a short six months. He is serenely confident he could grapple with +the situation. JOHNNY RUSSELL was quite a nervous, modest person, +compared with GR-ND-LPH. I should really like to see my old friend in my +old chair. + +The post, of course, has its attractions. It is no small thing to be +principal Secretary of State, with a seat in the Cabinet, and an +adequate salary. But, to tell the truth, dear TOBY, the Home Secretary +lives too near the People to have an uninterruptedly pleasant time. He +is too close to, and too frequently under, the public eye. It is like +working in a glass hive. A Foreign Secretary labours in secret in the +Samoan Islands, or some equally remote quarter, and months elapse before +the publication of the Blue Book places his labour under the criticism +of the public. The Secretary for the Colonies works under similar +conditions, whilst the First Lord of the Admiralty and the War +Secretary, except upon rare occasions, have only their respective +Services to deal with. + +But the Home Secretary is, necessarily, always at home to impertinent +lookers-in, or idle callers who have not sufficient business of their +own to attend to. If anything goes wrong with the water or the gas, if a +country Magistrate makes a more than usually particular ass of himself, +if a policeman arrests the wrong woman in Regent Street, if there is a +procession through the parks or a meeting in Trafalgar Square, it's ever +the Home Secretary that is wrathfully turned to for explanation. When +things go well with London or the Provinces, you never hear the Home +Secretary's name mentioned. The condition of affairs may be due to his +admirable administration, but there is no recognition of his agency. On +the other hand, if the least thing connected with his department goes +wrong, he is held personally responsible, and the fiendish newspapers +fall upon him. + +That is my experience after a little more than twelve months in office, +and if I am a little wearied of it who shall blame me? Why should I +remain the butt of all the captious critics throughout the country? I +have no hour, except these stolen ones, that I can call my own. All the +pleasures and recreations of private life are swallowed up in official +cares. Why should I longer submit to be engulfed in this state of +slavery? I am not in the absolute prime of youth; but still, as we +Statesmen go, I am not old. For example, I have seen but two summers +more than that elderly young beau, H-NRY J-M-S. Someone once said of me, +that for my recorded age, I had the youngest-looking body in the House +of Commons. That is a subtle distinction, the value of which I cannot +grasp. I know that I have been a buck in my time, and if I only get my +time to myself once more, I may again become as ornamental as I am now +useful. I will think it over, and probably in the course of the next few +weeks you may hear what resolution I have taken. + + Yours faithfully, H-NRY M-TTH-WS. + + * * * * * + + A BLACK AFFAIR AT HAYTI. + +The Foreign Office, whether represented by Lord SALISBURY or Lord +ROSEBERY,--two "berries," so that we are to judge of the worth of our +Foreign Office by its berries, not by its fruits,--ought to be hauled +over the coals--the victim's name being suggestive of this process--by +the British Public. Mr. COLES was innocent of the charge brought against +him, was convicted in the face of evidence; and as there was no one to +screen COLES, poor COLES--COLES down again!--was shovelled into a black +hole, which was, _pro. tem._, a COLES cellar. After sixteen months of +Haytian bonds, and being kept in durance by Haytian Black Guards, the +energy of the British F. O. obtained for the unfortunate prisoner a free +pardon! But no further redress, except the offer of £500, which COLES +couldn't be "cokes'd" into accepting. Now this matter of Hayti and COLES +is a very black affair. What is going to be done? Do we leave COLES and +scuttle? Surely so gross a wrong perpetrated in Hayti ought to have been +put right in Hayti-seven. + + * * * * * + +THE MOST LITIGIOUS PERSON ON RECORD.--The man who had all his +invitations properly stamped at Somerset House, and then brought an +action against his hosts for breach of agreement if a dinner happened to +be put off. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MUMPSIMUS!"] + +Reminiscence of a celebrated and highly popular picture, adapted to the +painful circumstance announced last week by _Truth_; namely, that the +Chorister Boys at a certain Cathedral have all got the Mumps. + + * * * * * + + HIS FIRST APPEARANCE AT THE CAFÉ DES AMBASSADEURS. + +[Illustration: OWEN MEREDITH, _ALIAS_ LORD LYTTON, TRANSLATED INTO +FRENCH. + +_Lord L-tt-n sings_:--] + + _Love's Metamorphoses_ I sang of late, + "My Unglenaverilled Glenaveril" + Puzzled the Public's unpoetic pate. + Wit, like my sire's imaginary _Vril_, + Is thaumaturgic. I have served the State + In various ways with elegance and skill; + But _my_ "last Metamorphosis," I opine, + Out of Glenaveril's wholly takes the shine. + + From "OWEN MEREDITH," of Servian song, + Translator (who said through the French?) to this! + The course, like my Serb falcon's flight, is long. + The proletariat possibly may hiss. + I scorn the anserine Gladstonian throng, + Whose mouthpiece is the _Gaily Dews_. I wis + That nickname shows a polish and a fire + Of wit well worthy my prodigious Sire. + + When I wrote _Aux Italiens_ long ago + (And _Trovatore_ rhymed with purgatory) + I little thought Paris one day should know + The bard in an Ambassador's full glory. + Ah! I shall miss the Oriental show + Of Ind--but that is scarce a pleasant story, + And, after all, I fancy that my _Charis_ + Had always, more or less, a touch of Paris. + + "_Lucile_," for instance! Well, I've wandered far + From my old _Wanderer_ days; _tout mieux_, perchance. + Better to be a diplomatic star + Than a poetic shade. Beloved France, + To ape thy _jeunesse dorée_ will not jar + Upon my spirit, which is all romance: + I love the blend of the sublime and finical, + Of chivalry, choice cookery, and the cynical. + + CHAMBERLAIN--_did_ I dub him once a scold, + A leaner, later _Casca_? I was wrong-- + Is off to Canada, and BALBO bold + (I called him bilious once, but 'twas in song) + Is with us now, I hope the league may hold. + Who now dubs JOSEPH--though of course he's strong-- + "The secret despot of a Cabinet, + That dare not disregard his faintest threat?" + + Forgive the thought, _Cæcilius_! Whether JOE + _Has_ put his foot in it, and bowed still more + Your "large Olympian forehead," I don't know; + But I can see that it must be a bore + To have your diplomats run wild. I go + With other purpose to a nearer shore; + And soon I hope your confidence to win, + And prove no ass, though in the LYONS' skin! + + * * * * * + +The "Wild West" finished up rather tamely. Lord LORNE and others, with, +we presume, the Honourable BUFFALO BILL CODY, palavered about an +International Arbitration Court. If the Hon. and Rev. BILL--"Reverend" +because, as he tells us, he once performed the part of a clergyman and +married a couple, pronouncing a formula which, being a close parody on +the words of the solemn rite, need not be repeated here, though they +evidently struck him as a bright idea,--has anything to do with it, we +shall hear of the rules of this new Court (not Earl's Court) being at +once codi-fied. + + * * * * * + +RESTITUTION WITH RESIGNATION.--M. WILSON gave up 40,000 francs' worth of +postage. Will M. GRÉVY give up the post altogether? + + * * * + +ANOTHER MOTTO FOR AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS.--He does not say, "Peace with +Honour," but "Piece with MERRITT." + + * * * + +"THE ROUGH ELEMENT"--last week, was--the Sea. + + * * * * * + + Jenny Lind. + +_Born at Stockholm, October 6, 1821. Married Herr Otto Goldschmidt, +February 5, 1852. Died, November 2, 1887._ + + "She never lost her interest in the two chief objects of her + life, music and charity."--_Times._ + + Music and Charity! Of all things mortal, + What sweeteners of our lives may match these twain? + What draweth hearts nearer the heavenly portal + Than mercy's impulse, melody's moving strain? + Well chosen, singer sweet! + Great gifts, and the large love of giving meet, + Well harmonised in JENNY LIND'S career; + These made her life delight, these make her memory dear. + + _Punch_, of well-fitting phrases ready minter, + Christened his favourite forty years ago; + Hailed as "The Nightingale that Sings in Winter,"[A] + The Swedish songstress whom the voice of woe + Moved ever, as her own + Moved the applauding multitude; alone, + Amidst the stars of Opera's tuneful quire, + To succour ever prompt as potent to inspire! + + "Dear JENNY LIND!" So then his song addressed her + Who still is "JENNY LIND," and still is dear. + Though Genius praised, and Fashion's crowd caressed her, + She sank not, like some stars, below her sphere + Into those darkening mists + Whose taint the true and tender heart resists. + Her nature fame was powerless to soil, + Whom splendour hardened not, and puffery could not spoil. + + How the crowd rushed and crushed, and cheered and clamoured, + Forty years syne, to hang upon her song! + Of _La Sonnambula's_ heroine enamoured, + Thrilled by the flute-like trillings sweet as strong + Of their dear Nightingale. + _Amina_, _Lucia_, _Alice_, each they'd hail + With fervent plaudits, in whose flush and stir + Love of her silvery song was blent with love of her. + + And each well earned! The crowd would press and jostle + To hear their favourite warbler, from whose throat, + Clear as the lark, and mellow as the throstle, + The limpid melody would soar and float. + Now like a shattered lute, + The Nightingale who sang in winter's mute; + But long remembered that pure life shall be, + To Music dedicate and vowed to Charity. + + [A] See _Punch_, Vol. XVI., p. 15. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE LABOUR MARKET." + +_First East Countryman._ "SHALL YEAOU VOOTE FOR THE DIS'TABLISHMENT O' +TH' CHU'CH?" + +_Second Ditto (firmly)._ "No; thar I 'on't, Bo'! Work's scass enow as +'T IS--BUT IF WE WAS TO HEV ALL THEM PARSONS TU'NNED OUT, AN' GOIN' +'BOUT PLOUGHIN', AN' HEDGIN', AN' MOWIN', AN' HARVESTIN', WE SHOULD BE +WUSS OFF THAN WE ARE NOW!"] + + * * * * * + + "THE BEARING OF IT LIES IN THE APPLICATION." + +"Spare no efforts to maintain the magnificent inheritance which has +descended from your forefathers," said Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, when bidding a +temporary good-bye to Birmingham. + +Well, it is a magnificent inheritance, and most certainly it is our +duty, as well as our interest, to maintain it. But how? Magnificent as +it is, it has certain incumbrances; memories of wrongs unredressed, +actualities of mismanagement unremoved. To maintain _these_ is not to +improve the inheritance, and enable us to hand it down better worth +maintaining by those who will inherit it from us. As stewards of the +splendid patrimony of empire, we must not only keep it together, but +properly--that is, justly and sagaciously--administer it, which, indeed, +is the only sure and safe way of maintaining it. The accumulated +mortgage of our ancestors' errors and misdeeds is, unfortunately, but +inevitably, a part of our "inheritance." To pay it off may seem a +burdensome duty, but a duty it is, in the resolute doing, not the +haughty ignoring or cowardly shirking, of which we shall be at least as +truly "maintaining our inheritance," as by stroke of sword, or statute +of coercion. _Verb. sap_. + + * * * * * + +We see a book advertised by Messrs. KEGAN, PAUL & CO., called _Tertium +Quid_. Ask an Eton Boy, about Christmas time, or when he is going back +to school, what is the translation of _Tertium Quid_, and he will +probably hold out his hand and reply, "The third sovereign--but I'll +take one to go on with, or to go off with." Well, you can "owe him one" +for that. + + * * * + +WHAT'S IN A NAME?--The person who ought to write a weird Christmas story +is, evidently, the Author of _Bootles' Baby, That Imp!_ &c., JOHN +STRANGE WINTER. + + * * * + +MOTTO FOR THE NEW LORD MAYOR.--"_Aut Keyser aut nullus._" + + * * * * * + + THE FISHERS. + (_Some way after Kingsley._) + + The Fishers went sailing North, South, East, and West, + And they raised lots of rows ere the sun went down. + Each fancied the foreigners' waters the best, + And wished in those waters to let his nets down. + And Commissions must work and Statesmen must weep, + And weary with trying the peace for to keep, + Whilst the Public heart is groaning. + + The Smack-owners rush to Lord SALISBURY'S side, + And genial JOSEPH'S to Canada gone; + And the end of this selfishness, temper, and pride, + Will be a great big all-round fight ere all's done, + Unless men will try their hot tempers to keep, + And establish some rule of fair-play on the deep, + For which honest hearts are all moaning. + + * * * * * + +POLITICAL SEPULTURE.--The Senior Member for Northampton lately told his +constituents that:-- + + "The Conservatives were digging their own graves, and it was + about the only good and sensible thing they possibly could do." + +But if they wanted an interment, the Home-Rulers could supply them with +a SEXTON ready and willing to save them that trouble. + + * * * + +"THE SCARCITY OF HARES."--It is so stated. But it's only a bald +statement. + + * * * + +LETTS' DIARIES.--There are two sorts of Letts: The Out-Letts for 1887, +and the In-Letts for 1888. Letts get 'em. + + * * * * * + + SHOWS VIEWS. + + _By Victor Who-goes-Everywhere._ + +[Illustration] + +Last week was remarkable for a number of _Matinées_. There were two, +each with a new Play, at the Vaudeville, in preparation apparently for +the disappearance of _Sophia_. The Author of one of the pieces was, I +fancy, Mr. JONES (the name fixed itself on my memory), but I am not +quite so sure about the others. I rather think the first play was +written in collaboration possibly by Messrs. BROWN and ROBINSON to +complete the immortal _trio_. However, the morning performance _par +excellence_, was the production of a new and original poetical drama in +five Acts, called _Nitrocris_, by GEO. GRAVES, at Drury Lane. This was +really a very interesting occasion, as we were taken back to B.C. 1420, +and I must admit that I too was rather taken aback when I found the +Early Egyptians talking of the "Pharmacopoeia," and many other matters +of a yet more recent date. I supposed this was local colouring, and when +I saw the "Banquetting Hall in the Palace," I felt sure that the +Egyptian Court represented belonged to the Nineteenth Century, and could +be easily discovered (either by season ticket or on payment of a +shilling) in Sydenham. The Author supplies a note in the official +programme, in which she informs the World that AMUN-MYKERA NITOCRIS was +"handsome among women, and brave among men, and governed for her husband +with great splendour and much justice, though she is rebuked by several +of the ancient historians for her cruelty and sensuality," and no doubt +these facts have suggested the five long Acts of the more or less +poetical play. What story there is shows how the adopted son of and +apprentice to an Embalmer, after being left to die in the Palace of +_Nitocris_ for refusing to join in an unpatriotic toast, escapes, and +twelve weeks later is lured back once more to the Royal realms to reject +the suddenly-kindled love of the Egyptian Queen in favour of the +affection of a Grecian orphan called _Soris_, who happens to be staying +on a visit with her swarthy Majesty. Then _Soris_ gets half-poisoned and +entirely stabbed, and _Nitocris_ and the Embalmer's Apprentice repair to +a "stretch of desert in the neighbourhood of the Pyramids," to be +drowned in an inundation which is much talked about but never seen. As +the Embalmer's Apprentice, Mr. J. H. BARNES fostered the impression that +he was either a very slow and dull pupil, or that the art of embalming +had taken him a middle-aged lifetime to thoroughly acquire. In the last +act he looked like a portly Friar of Orders Grey sadly in need of the +fast rising Nile. Mr. ROBERT PATEMAN was good as a nigger _Quasimodo_, +who apparently had nothing in particular to do save to murder Miss ALMA +MURRAY when that popular young _tragédienne's_ sorrows became monotonous +and required curtailment in the interests of the audience. Mr. FERNANDEZ +too was useful as Chief of the Magi, and Mr. BERNARD GOULD'S performance +would have been more pleasing had he really died at the end of the +Second Act, instead of living to see the final fall of the curtain. But +this last was rather the Author's than the actor's fault. Personally I +should have been better satisfied had every one died at the end of the +First Act, but I confess I am a little exacting. On Wednesday, after the +"principals" had been called and received more or less applause, there +was a cry for the Authoress, when to my surprise a lady in a +semi-masculine costume and seemingly in her "teens," made her way before +the curtain. This was young "CLO,"--a most charming person to judge from +her personal appearance. There was a further "call" when a gentleman of +much maturer years was seen bowing. I do not know if he was also a +"CLO,"--if so, he was unquestionably a much older "CLO"--in fact, quite +an elderly "CLO." Ages ago a wonderful piece called _Nitocris_ was +played at Drury Lane for a few nights with moderate success. In it was +represented an inundation, that, if it did not precisely resemble the +waters of the rising Nile, at any rate was a capital realisation of +green-coloured muslin sprinkled with spangles. I am afraid that young +"CLO'S" poetical play will not keep the stage much longer than its +predecessor. + +[Illustration: Full in Front.] + +It was my good fortune to be present at the opening of the Manchester +Exhibition (which _Mr. Punch_ very appropriately christened the "Gem of +the Jubilee,") and on Thursday last I again paid it a visit with about +sixty-five thousand other persons. In spite of the hurricane of the +preceding Monday, the building was in an excellent condition, and the +reproduction of the old part of the ancient city had weathered the storm +as if it had been intended to remain for a thousand years instead of +half-a-dozen months. I was much struck with the extreme good-nature of a +Lancashire crowd. In the afternoon a severe shower of rain, which I +fancy must have come down from Town by the 10.10 Express from Euston (a +train which maintained the tradition of the L. & N. W. R. by arriving to +the minute) drove all the pleasure-seekers from the grounds into the +building, and for a moment there was an "ugly block." Immediately the +police and the other officials organised a stream right and left, and +when it was found that there were many schools amongst the sight-seers, +a cry of "Make way for the children!" secured the safety of the little +ones. The picture galleries were as popular as ever, and I observed that +the crowd generally gathered in dense masses near the paintings with +historical events as their subjects. The arrival of the Princess of +WALES at Gravesend was particularly favoured, and some regret was +expressed that the Benchers of the Middle Temple had required the return +of the portrait by HOLL of their Royal Treasurer. The splendid display +of the works of Mr. WATTS did not attract much attention, one lady +observing that it was "a pity that they had not been finished," and +their opposite neighbours by Mr. BURNE-JONES, were also a little above +the heads (in more senses than one) of the average shilling public. But +LANDSEER, MILLAIS, POYNTER and HOLMAN HUNT had thousands of earnest +admirers, and there were always enthusiastic groups in front of "_The +Derby Day_" and "_Ramsgate Sands_." It was delightful to walk through +the galleries devoted to this unique, this magnificent collection of +purely native Art, only saddened by the reflection that such an +opportunity would never offer itself again. The machinery, from another +point of view, was nearly as interesting. I have been present at many +Exhibitions, but have never seen anything to equal the display of "works +in operation." Both visitors and "hands" seemed to be equally in +earnest; the first to watch, and the second to work. Then the music was +excellent, as, indeed, it was obliged to be to satisfy the requirements +of Manchester connoisseurs, who are not to be put off with second-rate +bands. Lastly, the illuminated fountains were absolutely fairy-like with +their colours reflected from below the water-line. And this reminds me +there was also something else fairy-like--the _table d'hôte_ dinner +served in the Conservatory, which seemed (with its many courses, of the +daintiest proportions) to be exactly suited to the wants of _Titania_ +and (if he took the hint printed on the menu, and "requiring extra +quantities of any of the dishes," asked for more) of the robuster +_Oberon_. The captious might certainly have objected that the dessert +would have been more satisfactory had nut-crackers been supplied with +the walnuts. I asked for a pair, but was told by my waiter that he could +get me none. No doubt this little defect will be remedied when the +contractor fulfils his intention of catering next year at the Brussels +Exhibition. But this is a detail. For the rest, the Manchester +celebration of the Fiftieth Year of Her Majesty's reign has been worthy +of the occasion; and my second visit has fully confirmed the opinion +(that was expressed in May last) that the leading town of Lancashire has +produced the Gem of the Jubilee. + + * * * * * + + JAW-HOLDING. + +[Illustration: Hold your Jaw!] + +At the dinner of the Nottingham Mechanics' Institution, the other night, +Mr. PHELPS, the American Minister, advocated the establishment of a +Professorship of Silence in schools and colleges. Good! There is too +much latitude given to jabberers and chatterers in the present day. +Politicians do nothing but prate, and the talking man nowadays has taken +the place of the working man. We might begin our reform in the House of +Commons. The Sergeant-at-Arms might appoint a beadle to bridle the +tongues of the everlasting talkers, and an official with a large +extinguisher should make them harmless after they had bored the House +for five minutes. + + * * * * * + +TO SEVERAL CORRESPONDENTS.--"Fox the Quaker." It is not true that the +birthday of this excellent man is celebrated in his native place by an +annual "meet." Fox was occasionally hunted, but though a Quaker, it is +not on record that he ever quaked. Our Correspondents' mistake arises +probably from Fox having been a man of _pax_. But in this case his +memory would be honoured by all card-players. + + * * * * * + + OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +There is no better form of book, providing always the print be clear and +distinct, than the volume which is adapted practically in price and size +to the pocket. One man's pocket is more capacious than another's, as one +man's purse is longer than another's, and the latter can purchase a +volume more expensively got up than the small, useful, charming +travelling companions that _Mr. Punch_ has at this moment actually in +view while others are in his mind's eye, Horatio. _The Handy-Volume +Shakspeare_ (BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO.), which in every way is the model of +a pocket-volume, the model _par excellence_, is a member of a family all +in one case, a perfect Christmas present. But if one volume is lost, the +set is spoilt, and the missing book cannot, in the ordinary course of +bookselling nature, be replaced. Consequently only a very careful and +methodical person can venture upon travelling about with one of these +volumes as his pocket-companion. A little Shakespeare is a dangerous +thing. And this is why the small books belonging to _Cassell's National +Library,_ price threepence apiece, ought to find favour in the eyes of +those who can read in a cab, in a coach, in a train, or even walking. As +to a man running and reading the thing's almost impossible, and whoever +saw a man on horseback reading a book, except in an old print of _Doctor +Syntax_? As the snail carries his shell about with him, so every +Englishman can carry his own _Cassell_, and get rid of it too--which is +more than the snail can--and can lose it--and can replace it for the +small sum of threepence, or if secondhand (for being in limp covers they +soon become "secondhand" in appearance) for considerably less. With a +volume from this library carried always in the tail-pocket of his +coat--the very place to carry a short tale--no one need ever be idle, +and every spare moment, as long as he is wearing the coat, can be well +occupied. These bits of books are our modern _Curiosities of +Literature_. + +[Illustration: Handy Vols.] + +Nor must we forget the DICKENS series of Messrs. ROUTLEDGE, who have +just brought out a dainty little edition of the _Cricket on the Hearth_. +This is a lasting work got up in a lasting manner. And so whether the +tale be long, or short, pointed or not, every man for a small sum, in +some instances a very small sum, can be his own talebearer: only the +tale isn't his, it is somebody else's, but his by purchase. + +Among the handiest of handy books must be included the Pocket Diaries +for 1888, numbered, respectively, one, two, three,--of which No. 3 is +"A1,"--brought out by JOHN WALKER & CO. of Farringdon House, and +admirably adapted to all walkers, who can now bring them out for +themselves every day in the new year. One novelty there is in WALKER & +CO.'S division of pages, and this is that two are set apart for +"Addresses"--not political ones, of course--and two others for +"Visits"--(such an idea could only have struck a Walker who wanted an +object for his walk)--these being subdivided into columns headed +"_Name_," "_Reception Day_," "_Visit Received_," "_Visit Returned_," +which in itself is quite a little manual, or _Walker's Dictionary_, of +politeness. To "Cash" is devoted a great deal too much space; but, of +course, if there is sufficient cash to fill it, so much the better. If +we might suggest a "rider" to WALKER, it would be that, as many persons, +who pay nothing else, are often most assiduous in "paying their +addresses" and in "paying visits," an equal space might be given to +business as represented by "Cash," and to pleasure as represented by the +two other items. The pencil is a triumph of ingenuity, and the binding +of No. 3 proves the truth of the old adage, that there is nothing like +leather, specially when the leather is Russian. + + * * * * * + +HUMILITY.--The _Pall Mall Gazette_, in its account of the consecration +of Truro Cathedral, stated how-- + + "The Archbishop of CANTERBURY and the Bishop of TRURO received + the Prince of WALES at the Phillpotts porch, and conducted His + Royal Highness to a footstool placed for him in the choir. Every + available inch of space was crowded." + +Poor Royal Highness! only a "footstool" to sit upon. He was His Royal +Lowness on this occasion. If, however, for "footstool" we read +"faldstool," His Royal Highness's apparently uncomfortable position +becomes intelligible. + + * * * * * + + MORE REALISM. + + DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +[Illustration] + +Will you not help us to make a stand even now against the encroachments +of realism in the pronunciation of Latin? My evening paper has been full +of it lately. Why, Sir, it is well known that the Britons understood the +Romans, and the Romans the Britons, and if the Romans had said their +repetition in the absurd foreign fashion that a few modern-side pedants +advocate, is it likely that the Britons would have understood them, much +less that they would have had so much respect for them as to admit their +garrisons, and their Mayors, and their Corporations, and what not for +four or five hundred years? And if our early ancestors had spoken Latin +in this eminently unmanly un-English fashion, why should we naturally +and instinctively pronounce it in our own way now, as if there were no +natural piety linking the chapters of our rough island story together? + +The Cambridge Augustan Johnnies (Dr. SANDYS at least, being a Johnian, +may excuse the term) set great store upon the fact that all over the +Continent the language is pronounced in the foreign manner. Why, Sir, it +is well known that the Norse tongue in Iceland, being icerlated, has +remained nearly unchanged since its introduction in the ninth century. +And England is an island; therefore the Latin tongue, introduced by the +Roman colonists, must have remained unchanged also. For my own part, I +own I have no patience with this degradation of the hallowed traditions +of our school-days to the level of languages which can be got up in +_Ollendorff_ and fluently pattered by couriers and waiters. "Wenny, +weedy, weaky." Good gracious! Is that the language of a conquering, +masterful race? The matter does not admit of serious argument. + + Yours, wondering what next, ONE OF THE OLD SCHOOL. + + * * * * * + +THE LAST OF THE GO-HE-CANS.--The _Times_ for November 1, in giving a +list of the Masters of Foxhounds, mentioned the Rev. E. M. REYNOLDS as +"the only clergyman who can append M.F.H. to his name." Of course this +does not mean that no other clergyman "can" do so, or the Clergy would +indeed be an uneducated set, but that the Rev. E. M. REYNOLDS is the +only successor of the Rev. JACK RUSSELL who has the right to append +M.F.H. to his name. How often does his pack meet? Is it _Reynolds's +Weekly_? If the hounds are a trifle mixed, it may be known as +_Reynolds's Miscellany_. + + * * * + +Captain STOKES, who peremptorily ordered Mr. O'BRIEN off to prison, +seems to be the sort of a man that CHARLES DICKENS described as a +"Harbitrary Gent." Quite a despotic Turk. As the Nationalists call the +Castle Officials "Bashi-Bazouks," let them allude to the gallant Captain +and Magistrate as "STOKES BEY." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: International Punch.] + +INTERNATIONAL ARBITRATION.--Should difficulties ever arrive at this +peaceable solution--(so likely!--ahem!--but always a Bright Dream)--then +there could not be a name of better omen for a representative of British +Interests than "LYON PLAYFAIR." + + * * * + +Trafalgar Square may be "the finest site in the world," but the Mob in +it isn't. + + * * * * * + + A ROW IN THE GALLERY. + +What does it all mean? "Pitch 'em over!" cries Sir COUTTS-LINDSAY of his +"salaried assistants," and perhaps Sir COUTTS would like to pitch +Messrs. COMYNS CARR and C. E. HALLÉ all over, and make them come out +uncommonly black after the process. But apparently the "salaried +assistants" have thrown over their munificent patron of the Arts, and +turned themselves out. But this is "no new thing," for whenever we have +had the pleasure of meeting Mr. CARR or Mr. HALLÉ, they have always been +uncommonly well turned out, and not a speck on either of them. Evidently +the CARR has been upset, and HALLÉ has walked off, showing himself a +"Hallé Sloper." The two "salaried assistants" will not go to swell the +ranks of the "Unemployed," and, in order to prevent the re-entrance of +the "salaried assistants," Sir COUTTS now keeps guard at the Gallery +door, armed with a Pike. + + * * * * * + +SUMMARY OF THE ENDACOTT-CASS AFFAIR.--A Miss-take. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HAVING A GOOD TIME. + +_Mamma._ "IT'S VERY LATE, EMILY. HAS ANYBODY TAKEN YOU DOWN TO SUPPER?" + +_Fair Débutante (who has a fine healthy appetite)._ "OH YES, +MAMMA--SEVERAL PEOPLE!"] + + * * * * * + + ALL THE DIFFERENCE. + + No, no! A natural alarm, but needless! + 'Tis true subversive dolts in these sad times + Do call on you to flourish and to feed less, + And hint that pomp and turtle soup are crimes. + The sour fanatics! + Scribblers who'd set the world straight from their attics. + But they will never dare--the dastards, No!-- + To stop the Lord Mayor's Show. + + Your fright, my Lord, 's a pardonable error. + The Proclamation can't apply to you. + No one, I'm sure, can take you for a Terror, + Red, white, or any other tint or hue. + Are you "disorderly"? + No; you within legality's trim-kept border lie; + From touching you even almighty Law + Would shrink with utter awe. + + True you "perambulate the streets." What noddy + Objects? You do not "break into a run," + And as to "terrorising" anybody, + No one could hint at that, except in fun. + "Hooting and yelling" + Are not your vocal habits. WARREN'S belling + The Cat of Anarchy; he'll tell you that. + You are not quite that Cat. + + It's claws are showing, and they may want clipping, + And shindy in the streets is just a pest; + But Law, though lately once or twice found tripping, + Won't interfere with the calm Civic nest. + MATTHEWS seems heedless, + And "shoves his oar in" in a style most needless; + But even he would hardly raise his clutch + The sacred Ninth to touch. + + No, a good rule may have a good exception. + You're popular, pass on! Rowdies and raff + Need raps. Let him in civism adept, shun + The spouter's bawling, and the Bobby's staff. + Mad mobs in Town + Are a vile nuisance that must be put down; + But you're not a "Procession," don't you know,-- + _You_ are--a "Show"! + + * * * * * + + "CHARLES OUR FRIEND." + +Bravo, Sir CHARLES WARREN! The roughs may consider you a Rabid Warren, +but what does that matter to you, or to us, or to any lover of order, +peace, and quietness in this vast Metropolis? You're not a weasel to be +caught napping, and your recent Proclamation is admirable, if its +provisions be only justly and exactly carried out. Your arrangements +too--talking of provisions--for housing the houseless, seem to be +remarkably judicious. _Mr. Punch_ trusts that the Processions which you +mention, and "the wandering bands perambulating the streets," which you +are going to consider as disorderly, will be taken to include those +disturbers of our Sunday Quiet, calling themselves Members of the +Salvation Army, who, it is to be hoped, in every district wherever their +presence is not welcome to a majority of the respectable residents, will +be summarily dispersed and their noise stopped. On working days let +perambulating bands come out for air and exercise, only let them take +care that their "air" be always in tune. That schools and clubs should +have their bands is an excellent thing. But there are six days in the +week for noise, and the Salvationists can let us have our Sunday in +peace. _Mr. Punch_ is all for freedom of speech, and so he speaks out +freely. He is all for the liberty of the subject, but the subject must +remember that he is a subject, and _Mr. Punch_ takes the liberty to +remind him of it. At the meeting of real working men of business to +protest against these meetings in Trafalgar Square, Mr. FREDERICK GORDON +spoke up for his Metropole-itan interests in Grand style. The HOME +SECRETARY, it is to be hoped, carefully pondered the speeches of these +practical gentlemen. Mr. ATTENBOROUGH, too,--"O, my prophetic soul, my +uncle!"--gave distinct evidence of the injury done to trade in and about +Trafalgar Square. The Rev. Mr. KITTO moved a resolution, and Mr. +BIDDULPH seconded it, + + Saying ditto + To Mr. KITTO. + +And _Mr. Punch_ once more expresses his hope that the first Act of next +Session will be one to regulate meetings and processions in and about +London, whereby orderly citizens may enjoy their rights undisturbed. +Trafalgar Square and all our great thoroughfares should be "proclaimed +districts," as regards the loafers, roughs, and rowdies whose object is +plunder, and whose end is--or, at least, should be--punishment. + + =Punch.= + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALL THE DIFFERENCE. + +LORD MAYOR. "EH!--WHAT!--PROCESSIONS!--WHY----" + +SIR C. WARREN. "OH, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, MY LORD,--YOU'RE NOT A +'PROCESSION'--YOU'RE A 'SHOW.' _YOU_ WON'T 'TERRORISE THE +INHABITANTS'!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NOBLESSE OBLIGE." + +_Old Friend._ "HULLO, DICK! HOW ARE YOU? I WISH YOU'D COME AND DINE WITH +ME TO-NIGHT. BUT NOW YOU'RE A LORD, I SUPPOSE I MUSTN'T CALL YOU DICK +ANY LONGER, OR EVEN ASK YOU TO DINNER?" + +_Noble Earl (who has just come into his Title)._ "LORD BE BLOWED! LEND +ME A FIVER, AND YOU MAY CALL ME WHAT YOU LIKE--AND I'LL DINE WITH YOU +INTO THE BARGAIN!"] + + * * * * * + + SCARLETINA AT TRURO. + +The æsthetic Archbishop BENSON has an eye for colour. At Truro, the +_Times_ report says, "he wore his scarlet robe and train, which, as he +moved from place to place in the Cathedral"--very restless of him, by +the way--"was upborne by two little acolytes clad in scarlet cassocks +and dainty surplices of lawn, and wearing tiny scarlet caps upon their +heads." The Archbishop is the big scarlet, and the tiny acolytes might +be called the scarletini. And to think that years ago this sudden +outbreak of archiepiscopal brilliancy would have been inveighed against +as trifling with the "Scarlet Lady." H.R.H. made an excellent speech on +the occasion, and, with the effect of colour still in his memory, he +could not resist reminding the æsthetic Dr. BENSON that "seven years and +a half ago"--nothing like being exact--"he (H.R.H.) was enabled to lay +the foundation stone of this Cathedral with Masonic honours." +"Archbishop in scarlet, forsooth! scarlet tiny acolytes!" (such was +evidently the rebuke conveyed in H.R.H.'s speech)--"you should just see +Me as Most Worshipful Grand Master, with my Wardens, Deacons, Chaplains, +and Tylers! Why, in comparison with that blaze of splendour, you and +your scarlet are nowhere. However, Ladies and Gentlemen, I came here on +this occasion, not 'to oblige BENSON,' but to visit this ancient Duchy +in my popular character of Duke of CORNWALL. _Au revoir._" + + * * * * * + +Monsignor PERSICO, _Truth_ says, stayed with Archbishop CROKE, and dined +with the witty and popular Father JAMES HEALY, P.P. of Little Bray. +Well, Monsignor PERSICO must have heard a great deal of croke-ing, but +let us hope he has got some remedies for healy-ing the wounds of the +distressful country from _Mr. Punch's_ good friend, Father JAMES, of +Little Bray, and precious little bray about him. + + * * * * * + + A MYSTERIOUS PAPER. + +The near approach of Christmas, with its fireside stories, has suggested +the following list of questions for examination that may be put to +himself by any intending _raconteur_. As he may be sure that if he can +tackle them satisfactorily he will be able effectually to enchain any +family circle he may come across during the coming festive season, he +may be safely recommended to go at them in all confidence:-- + +1. What is a "spook"? Have you ever met one in society? Define +"telepathy." Can you send a "telepathigram"? If so, do you think it +would cost more than a halfpenny a word? + +2. Write a short biographical notice of Messrs. MYERS AND GURNEY. State +which of the two you would rather be, and give, if you can, your reasons +for your answer. + +3. Furnish a brief abstract, that must not exceed 300 pages, of their +joint work, _Phantasms of the Living_. What would be the present price +of the two volumes on MUDIE'S Second-hand List? + +4. A certain Mr. BROWN knew a Captain JONES, who knew a Major ROBINSON, +who one night sitting at Mess at a hill-station in the Central Provinces +of India, thought he saw a figure on the verandah and felt a sudden dig +in the side as if somebody had pushed him with his elbow. He had been +mixing his wines rather freely, but turning to his neighbour, he said, +"I am almost sure something has happened to my Uncle JAMES." He +subsequently wrote a dozen letters to England on the subject, but could +never get any answer; and to this day, though his Uncle JAMES is known +to be alive and quite well, the matter remains a mystery. To what class +of "inconsequent warnings" could you refer this experience? + +5. At Bansbury House, Buckinghamshire, a phantom omnibus full inside and +out of headless passengers, drives three times round the central +grass-plot on the eve of the day on which the heir orders a new +dress-coat. Account for this, if you can, and compare it with the +reported apparition of the famous luminous elephant said to be visible +to the Lairds of Glenhuish whenever the amount of their butcher's-book +reaches the sum of £20. + +6. Detail the circumstances that are said to explain the curious conduct +of the celebrated little old man in the bagwig and faded blue velvet +coat, that haunts the principal guest bedchamber at Tokenhouse Manor. To +what is he supposed to refer when after mournfully shaking his head +three times he says, "It's the mustard that did it!" Examine this, and +give some reasons to account for the fact that he invariably disappears +in the linen cupboard. + +7. Give the various popular versions of the secret which imparted at +Rheums Castle to (1) the heir, on his attaining his majority, (2) the +family butler, and (3) a select circle of intimate friends who may have +chanced to attend on the occasion regarding the matter as an excellent +joke, instantly turns their hair white, causes them to look thirty years +older, and makes them talk in whispers, and wear an expression of +melancholy terror for the rest of their lives. + +8. The hall of a well-known modern villa at Brixton is haunted by the +spectre of a coal-heaver, who carries his head under his arm; and, +whenever it is opened, he is visible on the mat, just inside the front +door. Tradesmen, therefore, calling with their accounts, rush away, +terror-stricken, without waiting for payment, and visitors coming to +five o'clock tea are carried off in violent hysterics to the nearest +chemist's. As the landlord cannot induce any bailiffs to cross the +threshold, the tenant who is, notwithstanding their ghastly condition, +quite cheerful on the premises, is several quarters in arrear with his +rent. State, under the circumstances, what proceedings, if any, you +would take to "lay" the ghost. + +9. It is well known that the celebrated gallery at Bingham Place, +Somersetshire, is haunted, after midnight, by the apparition of a knight +in full armour, who heralds his approach by the clanking of chains and +cannon-balls, and who, after flinging about the boots and hot-water cans +standing at the doors of the various guest-chambers, tumbles +head-over-heels down-stairs, shrieking the refrain of a thirteenth +century hunting-chorus, and having thoroughly awakened everybody +sleeping on the premises, finally disappears with a loud unearthly wail, +in the butler's pantry. State what you think would be the probable +result of waiting for the appearance of this spectre, and then suddenly +hitting it hard over the knees with a cricket-bat. + +10. Give the story of the well-known "haunted house" in Belgrave Square. +How would the unconscious tenant who had taken it furnished be likely to +account for the punctual appearance, at half-past nine every evening, +among his guests in the back drawing-room, of the eyeless baronet, in a +dressing-gown, dragging the two elderly females by the hair of their +heads about in a deadly struggle, and, after continuing it for +three-quarters of an hour, ultimately vanishing, as if exhausted, +apparently into the grand piano? Would you advise him to take his guests +into his confidence, and apologise for the intrusion, or pretend to +notice nothing unusual in the phenomenon, and simply ignore it? Examine +the situation, and conclude your paper by dealing with it in the shape +of a short essay on "the position of the Ghost considered in relation to +Society." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "LUXURY." + +(_According to the latest Edition of "Knight Thoughts."_) + +_Alderman (to his Guest, after a good dinner)._ "'ELP Y'SHELF! RECOLLEC' +EVERY BO'LE O' CHAMPAGNE WE DRINK, PROVI'SH EMPLOYMENT FOR THE WORKIN' +CLASSHESH!!"] + + * * * * * + + AT HAWARDEN. + + "Mr. GLADSTONE gave Earl SPENCER and Earl GRANVILLE a specimen + of his skill with the axe yesterday. With Mr. HERBERT GLADSTONE + to assist him, the Right Honourable gentleman, stripped to his + waist, attacked a tree in most vigorous fashion!"--_Times_, + Nov. 4. + + Said SPENCER to GRANVILLE, + "Like strokes on an anvil." + Said GRANVILLE to SPENCER, + "He'll catch influenza." + Young HERBERT, brow mopping, + Cried, "Letter from Dopping!" + Growled GLADSTONE, not stopping + In chopping, "Blow Dopping!" + And so went on lopping. + + * * * * * + +"REFUSAL TO PAY A LEVY IN IRELAND."--This was what Mrs. RAM saw as the +heading of a paragraph in an evening paper. "Well," said the good lady, +"if they won't pay a LEVY, why not send a MOSES, and see if _he_ will +get it." + + * * * + + The Plentiful Lac. + + [The Rajah of Kupurthala, emulating the Nizam, has offered five + lacs towards the defence of the frontiers of India.] + + The Laureate, patriot of sense, + Writes with a pungent pen + Of "That eternal lack of pence + Which vexeth public men." + But India's public men, with pride, + In Princes such as these, + Will find their "lack of pence" supplied + By--a lac of rupees! + + * * * * * + + VOCES POPULI. + + SCENE--_The Thames Embankment. Crowd discovered, waiting for + Lord Mayor's Show._ + +_Female Pleasure-seeker (whose temper is apt to be a little uncertain on +these occasions, to her husband)._ We ought to have started at _least_ +an hour earlier--just look at the number of people here already! You +_would_ dawdle--and it wasn't for want of speaking to, _I'm_ sure! + +_Her Husband (mildly)._ It certainly was _not_. Only, as the Show can't +possibly pass for two hours, at least---- + +_She._ _Two hours!_ Am I to stand about in this crowd all _that_ time? + +_He (with a feeble jocularity)._ Unless you prefer to climb a tree. + +_She._ Then, John, all I can say is, I wish I had stayed at home! (_John +murmurs a silent, but fervent assent._) + +_A Practical Pleasure-seeker._ Now I tell you what we'll _do_, +MARIA--you take WEETIE, and keep close to me, and I'll look after +DUGGIE, and we'll just stroll comfortably up and down till the very last +minute, and drop comfortably into front places, and there we are! + +_Patriotic P._ What I like about occasions like this, is the spectacle +of a thoroughly good-humoured, well-behaved British crowd--you don't see +that on the _Continent_, y'know! + +_More Patriotic P. (thoughtfully)._ No, that's perfectly true; and what +I say is--we don't want all these police about. Trust more to the +general spirit of decency and order--let the people feel they _are_ +trusted! + +_A Socialist._ Ah, you're right. Did you year what one of the Orators +said in the Square the other afternoon? He told 'em Sir CHARLES would +'ave to be as wide awake as what he was 'imself, to prevent a Unemployed +Demonstration to-day. "Let him remember," says he, "it's in our power to +do that within arf a mile of the Mansion House, which would make the +'ole civilised world ring with 'orror," he says. And it's men like that +as they're trying to silence and intimerdate! + +_The P. P.'s (edging away a little nervously, to one another)._ Well, I +hope the Police are keeping a sharp look-out. I--I don't seem to see so +many about as usual, eh? + +_A Speculator_ (with two tubs and a board) to Female P._ 'Ere you are, +lydy, hony two shellin' fur a fust-rate stand--you won't see no better +if you was to pay a suvring! + +_Female P._ You may say what you _like_, but I'm not going to tramp +about any longer, and if you're so mean as to grudge two shillings--why, +I can pay for myself! + +_Husb._ Oh, hang it--get up if you want to! + +_The Practical P._ Well, MARIA, it's no use worrying _now_--we must go +and ask at the Police-Stations afterwards--it was a mistake to bring +them! + +_The Patriotic P._ Of course one is _told_ there's a good deal of rough +horse-play on these occasions, but anything more entirely---- + + [_A "larrikin" comes up behind and "bashes" his hat in; a + string of playful youths seize each other by the waist and rush + in single file through crowd, upsetting everybody in their way; + both the_ Patriotic Pleasure-seekers _go home by the + Underground, without waiting for the Procession_. + +_The Female P. (on the stand)._ JOHN, I'm sure this board isn't safe. We +should see ever so much better on one of those carts--they're only +asking sixpence, JOHN. You _are_ the worst person to come out with--you +never give yourself the smallest trouble--I have to do it all! _You_ can +stop here if you choose, _I'm_ going to get into one of those carts! +[_She and_ JOHN _descend, and mount upon a coal-cart which is being +driven slowly along the route_. + +_Later; Procession approaching, distant music._ + +_Crowd (jumping up and down like "skip-jacks" to see better)._ 'Ere they +are, they're coming! + + [_The way is cleared by trotting mounted Constables._ + +_Stout Lady._ Well, if I wanted to faint ever so, I couldn't now--where +are you, my dear? + +_Another Stout Lady (cheerfully)._ I'm all right, Mrs. PORTER, Mum. I've +got tight 'old of this nice young Perliceman's belt--don't you fret +yourself about me! + +_Experienced Sightseer (catching hold of little_ DUGGIE _and placing him +in front, then pushing forward_). Make room for this little boy, will +you, please, I want him to see. + +_Crowd good-naturedly make way, affording unimpeded view of procession +to_ DUGGIE--_and the_ Experienced Sightseer, _who troubles himself no +further_. + +_A Superior Sightseer._ To think of the traffic of the first city in the +world being stopped for this contemptible tomfoolery! + + [_Fights hard for a front place._ + + _Procession passing._ + +_Impertinent Female (to gorgeous Coachman)._ 'Ow you _'ave_ altered! + +_Well-informed Person (pointing out City Marshal)._ That's Sir CHARLES, +that is! + +_Unemployed (smarting with sense of recent wrongs)._ Yah, toirant! + + [_The C. M. beams with gratification._ + +_Open carriages pass, containing Aldermen in tall hats and fur-coats._ + +_Critical Crowd._ Brush yer 'ats! There's a nose! Oh, ain't he bin +'avin' a go at the sherry afore he started, neither! 'Ere comes old "Sir +BEN"--that's 'im in the white pot 'at! + + [_They cheer_ Sir BEN--_without, however, any clear notion why_. + + _Allegorical Cars pass._ + +_Crowd._ Don't they look chilly up there! 'Old on to your globe, Sir! +Don't ketch cold in them tights, Miss! They've run up agin somethink, +that lot 'ave. See where it's all bent in--eh? + + _Lord Mayor's Coach passes._ + +_Crowd._ 'Ooray! That's 'im with the muff on. No, it ain't, yer soft +'ed! It's 'im in the feathered 'at a-layin' back. Whoy don't yer let 'im +set on yer lap, Guv'nor? &c., &c. + + _A block. Lady Mayoress's Coach stopping._ + +_Crowd._ There's dresses! They must ha' cost a tidy penny! + +_Agitator._ Wrung out of the pockets of the poor working-man! _I'd_ +dress 'em, I would! Why should sech as you and me keep the likes +o' them in laziness? If we 'ad our rights, it's _us_ as 'ud be riding in +their places! + +_Artisan (after a glance at him)._ Dunno as the Show'd be much the +prettier to look at for _that_, mate. + + _After the Procession._ + +_Practical Pleasure-seeker (who has been pushed into a back row, and +seen nothing but the banners, to_ DUGGIE _and_ WEETIE, _miraculously +recovered_). Thank Heaven, they're found! Children, let this be a +lesson to you in future never to----What? Seen the Show beautifully, +have you? (_Boiling over._) Oh, very well--wait till I get you +home! + +_The Female P._ Now, don't say another word, JOHN,--anyone but +an _idiot_ would have _known_ that that cart would be turned down a +back-street! If I hadn't _insisted_ on getting out when I did, we +should have missed the Show altogether. Policeman, is the Show +ever coming? Shall we get a good view from here? + +_Policeman._ Capital view, Mum--if you don't mind waiting till +next November! [_Tableau. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 53. +THE FIRST MEET OF THE SEASON.] + + * * * * * + + The Ingratitude of Grandolph. + + Many terrible things have our patriots seen; + They have seen their dear DIZZY extending the suffrage, + And versatile GLADSTONE a-wearing the Green, + And HARCOURT defending Home Rule and the rough-rage; + And Disintegration approaching our realm, + And Rads--so they fancy--inviting invaders; + But that which their souls must with woe most o'erwhelm + Is--Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL a-chaffing Fair Traders! + + * * * + +"'_Jam' satis,_" as our Schoolmaster had just breath enough to +murmur when he escaped from out of the midst of a Socialist Meeting +in Trafalgar Square. + + * * * + +Unfortunately, the great enemy of the Teetotal Temperance Societies +is--the British "Public." + + * * * * * + + MANNERS AND CUSTOMS OF THE CITY OF LONDON. + +(_A Contribution towards a Future History, by Macaulay Stiggins, C. C._) + +[Illustration] + +The LORD MAYOR was the first Privy Councillor created, and has remained +so ever since that auspicious event. On the death of the Monarch, he +presides at the meeting that is immediately summoned, and appoints the +new Cabinet, generally from the members of the late Government, but on +one memorable occasion he appointed all the members of the Court of +Aldermen who had passed the Chair, and although they were afterwards +induced to resign, it was noticed that during their short administration +matters went on much as usual. This was called the Cabinet of Absolute +Wisdom, after Alderman WOOD, the Prime Minister, who was the First Lord +of the Treasury who ever left more in it than he found there. His +beautiful daughter, MARIA, was the reigning Toast of those hard-drinking +days, and gave her well-known name to the magnificent City Barge that +periodically conveys the City Fathers, together with the City Mothers, +on their several important inspections of the Silver Thames, in the +neighbourhood of Richmond and Twickenham. The matters they have to +discuss on these occasions are of so weighty a nature that they are +compelled to have five or six horses to draw them. On one occasion, and +one only, they managed to get as far as Oxford, an account of which +celebrated voyage was written by the Lord Mayor's Chaplain of the time, +under the title of "Alderman WENABLES' Woyage to Hoxford," a copy of +which is still preserved in the Bodleian, among their most cherished +treasures, and can only be seen on special application, as fabulous sums +have been offered by the Court of Aldermen for its destruction, it being +the only copy that escaped when the whole edition was ordered to be +bought up and destroyed. This unique volume is said to contain such +astounding revelations as must be seen to be believed, and would +possibly not be believed even then. + +Before the newly-elected Lord Mayor is sworn in, he has to produce a +Certificate from a Wine Merchant, "residinge in ye Cittye," and a +Freeman of the Vintners' Company, that he has placed in the capacious +Cellar at the Mansion House, provided for that purpose, ten Tuns, or one +thousand dozen of good wine, for the year's consumption, and whatever is +left, _if any_, is distributed among the Royal Hospitals, the quantity +being carefully recorded by the learned Recorder, which record is placed +under the control of the equally learned Comptroller, and remains for +all time, as a witness to the liberality or stinginess of the Right +Honourable the Lord Mayor of that particular year. + +The Sheriffs are the most ancient officers of the Corporation, having +been first elected in the reign of King NEBUCHADNEZZAR. A singular +custom still prevails, originating, it is said, in their association +with the grass-eating monarch. They are entitled, by virtue of their +office, to the first six bundles of sparrow-grass--as it was originally +spelt, and is still called by Members of the Corporation--that are +brought into Covent Garden Market: and his Grace the Duke of BEDFORD is +always courteously invited to partake of it, at a sumptuous banquet +called "the Grass Festival." (_Vide Stow_, cap. 23 of BELL'S ed.) + +The City Marshal was formerly a personage of great importance, being in +fact of the same rank as a Field Marshal, the only difference being that +one acted in the City and the other in the Field, whence their names. +The City Marshal was the City Champion, and always rode into Guildhall, +fully armed, on Lord Mayor's Day, at the commencement of the Banquet, +and, throwing down a glove, dared anyone to mortal combat who disputed +the rights of the Lord Mayor. If no one accepted his challenge, he +quaffed a flagon of sack to his Lordship's health, and then cleverly and +gracefully backed out of the Hall. It is recorded that on one occasion +his challenge was accepted by a gallant Common Councilman who had been +fulfilling the important duties of Wine-taster, and who, when called +upon to name time and place for the deadly encounter, said, in the +memorable words of the great ALFRED, "Here and now!" which so astonished +the Champion that he pleaded sudden indisposition, and withdrew. The +custom has since been discontinued. The gallant Common Councilman was +made Deputy of the Ward of Port-soaken. + +In ancient times the LORD MAYOR, as every one knows, had a Fool all to +himself, and he was the only Fool permitted in the City. The appointment +was open to all by competitive examination. On the occasion of a LORD +MAYOR making a Fool of himself the office was abolished by the Common +Council from motives of economy. In memory of this ancient privilege the +LORD MAYOR once in the season has a fool--a gooseberry fool--all to +himself. + + * * * * * + + A NAPPY HOLIDAY. + +[Illustration: Going Nap.] + +_Any Time in August._--Just been reading capital article in _Nineteenth +Century_, by Dr. JAMES MUIR HOWIE, on the "Nerve Rest-Cure," which +says--"For those who cannot get a sufficient holiday, the best +substitute is an occasional day in bed." Why not several days in bed? In +fact one's whole summer holiday? "Better than climbing toilsome +mountains," he remarks. Quite so--and much better than toilsome trip to +Ramsgate with one's whole family in tow. (Think of the Old Woman who +lived in a Shoe. _She_ had all her family in _toe_. Laugh feebly at my +own joke. Really my nerves must be _very_ bad.) Best feature of new +holiday plan, however, is its _cheapness_. Was quite at a loss how to +afford our annual trip till HOWIE came to rescue with his "(y)early to +bed" cure. Announce to family that I intend following Dr. HOWIE'S +advice. Family seems too stupefied to say anything. + +_Evening._--Family has found its voice. Protests unanimously and quite +fiercely against new holiday plan. Wife "sure I can afford trip to +sea-side." If not, _where_ does my money go to? Argument forcible, but +unpleasant. + +_First Day._--Holiday begins. Sleep till 11 A.M. Scrumpshous! Should +have slept longer, but two hurdy-gurdies stop outside, playing different +airs. Not only murder the tunes, but "murder sleep" as well. Listen for +ten minutes--nerves terribly shaky. Oughtn't to get out of bed, HOWIE +says, but must. See my eldest boy, HENRY, giving Italian fiends money! +What does this unwonted generosity mean? + +_Afternoon._--Dinner in bed not a success. Everything underdone. Tell +wife. She says, "Cook and servants in bad tempers; thought we were all +going to Ramsgate, and they would have rest." Rest means clandestine +kitchen parties. Feel angry--bad for nerves, but can't help it. Sleep +impossible, as bed full of crumbs. Wonder HOWIE didn't think of this. +Send HENRY for evening paper--perhaps it will soothe me. + +It doesn't. He brings back one three days old. Says shopman gave it him! +Send him again, and shop closed for night. Nerves actually _worse than +ever_. + +_Second Day._--Had disturbed night, owing to lack of my usual exercise +yesterday. Still must stick to HOWIE'S prescription. Terrific row in +house. Wife comes up after breakfast (in tears) to say children, +deprived of sea-side trip, are ungovernable; pretend to be buffaloes and +Cowboys _in drawing-room_! Already two valuable vases wrecked. Hang the +children! Hang Colonel CODY too! Still even paying for new vases cheaper +than Ramsgate lodgings. Read morning paper. Just dropping off to sleep +over somebody's important speech on Ireland, when---- + +_Three_ hurdy-gurdies outside! Rush to window, open it, and bid men +avaunt. They won't avaunt. Say "they've been ordered to come every +morning for a month by the young gent." This must be HENRY'S "Plan of +Campaign." Send for him, and find he has prudently gone out. Nothing for +it but to stuff cotton-wool into ears till men go. Cotton-wool in ears +for a whole hour _shatters_ nerves. + +_Third Day._--Much worse. Though I've given strict orders that no +letters or bills are to be sent up to my bed-room, find Tax-Collector's +little "Demand-Note" wrapped in fold of morning paper! Annoyed. Perhaps, +after all, HOWIE wrong. Hullo! what's that? Somebody on my window-sill! +Burglars? No, can't be. How bad all this is for my nerves. Spring up in +time to see HENRY disappearing down rope-ladder, which he and his +brothers have let down from roof. How horribly dangerous! Ring +violently. Hear heavy thud in garden. Talk of "Nerve Rest-Cure"--rest of +my nerves gone long ago, none left to be cured. + +Wife (in tears again--awfully bad for nerves this) says the thud was not +HENRY falling; boys have pulled down part of chimney, which has smashed +the front steps--that's all. She suggests that perhaps, after all, this +holiday plan in bed is not so good as---- + +_Five hurdy-gurdies_ to-day! Maddening! Hired by HENRY, wife says. Send +_him_ to bed for whole day; we'll see how he likes "Rest-Cure" for _his_ +nerves. Get up gloomily, dress, and go downstairs. Pitch _Nineteenth +Century_ into waste-paper basket. Feel nerves better after it. Decide on +Ramsgate, as usual, and so ends my holiday in bed--my "Sleepy Hollow" +day! + + * * * * * + + [Illustration] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or + Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or + Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not + even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, + Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + +Transcriber Notes: + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the document, the oe ligature was replaced with "oe". + +Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is. + +The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. + +Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +93, Nov. 11, 1887, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 39315-8.txt or 39315-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/3/1/39315/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, Nov. 11, 1887 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 31, 2012 [EBook #39315] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>Vol. 93.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>NOVEMBER 12, 1887.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page217" id="page217"></a>[pg 217]</span></p> + +<h2>THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.</h2> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">From a Home-sick Secretary.</span></p> + +<p class="author"><i>By Guildford, Saturday.</i></p> + +<img src="images/217a1.png" width="567" height="340" alt="" title="" /><br /> +<img src="images/217a2.png" width="329" height="352" alt="D" title="D" /> +<span style="display:none;">D</span><span class="smcap">ear Toby</span> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">I hope</span> you will forgive my not +being more precise as to my whereabouts. +The fact is if I can get +away from London for a day or two +without leaving my address, I am +only too glad to do so. I was at +the Cabinet Council on Thursday, +afterwards ran down here, <i>et j'y +reste</i>, at any rate over Sunday. I +am getting more and more tired of +London, and the office sardonically +called "Home." It has never +been a sweet resting-place, and +of late has grown absolutely +intolerable. I used once to have +Sunday to myself; but now, owing +to the new-born church-going fervour +of the Unemployed, Sunday is +the worst day of the week. So +when opportunity offers, as just +now, I cut the whole business and get me into the sweet seclusion of Surrey.</p> + +<p class="indent">I see by the papers that I am about to resign office, and retire into that private +life, upon which during the past twelve months I have looked back with +increasing affection. Perhaps the statement is true, and perhaps the Markiss +would say it is "not authentic." We shall see. In the mean time, at this +distance from Parliament Street, I get the advantage of perspective in regarding +the office of Home Secretary. Down here it seems odd enough that it should +be so much hankered after by men of various temperaments. <span class="smcap">H-nry J-m-s</span> +wanted it at the time <span class="smcap">H-rc-rt</span> secured it. It had a strange fascination for +<span class="smcap">L-we</span>, and I am disclosing no secret when I mention that my old friend and +patron, <span class="smcap">Gr-nd-lph</span>, fancies it would suit him down to the ground. I only wish +he would try it. If I were certain that he would come in, it might have some +effect in hastening my decision on the question of resignation. Of course +<span class="smcap">Gr-nd-lph</span> and I remain on terms of friendliest regard. I am indebted to him +for a sudden promotion exceeding the hopes of the most sanguine politician. +Still, I would like to see him at the Home Office, if only for a short six months. +He is serenely confident he could grapple with the situation. <span class="smcap">Johnny Russell</span> +was quite a nervous, modest person, compared with <span class="smcap">Gr-nd-lph</span>. I should really +like to see my old friend in my old chair.</p> + +<p class="indent">The post, of course, has its attractions. It is no small thing to be principal +Secretary of State, with a seat in the Cabinet, and an adequate salary. But, +to tell the truth, dear <span class="smcap">Toby</span>, the Home Secretary lives too near the People to +have an uninterruptedly pleasant time. He is too close to, and too frequently +under, the public eye. It is like working in a glass hive. A Foreign Secretary +labours in secret in the Samoan Islands, or some equally remote quarter, and +months elapse before the publication of the Blue Book places his labour under +the criticism of the public. The Secretary for the Colonies works under similar +conditions, whilst the First Lord of the Admiralty and the War Secretary, +except upon rare occasions, have only their respective Services to deal with.</p> + +<p class="indent">But the Home Secretary is, necessarily, always at home to impertinent +lookers-in, or idle callers who have not sufficient business of their own to attend +to. If anything goes wrong with the water or the gas, if a country Magistrate +makes a more than usually particular ass of himself, if a policeman arrests the +wrong woman in Regent Street, if there is a procession through the parks or +a meeting in Trafalgar Square, it's ever the Home Secretary that is wrathfully +turned to for explanation. When things go well with London or the Provinces, +you never hear the Home Secretary's name mentioned. The condition of +affairs may be due to his admirable administration, but +there is no recognition of his agency. On the other hand, +if the least thing connected with his department goes +wrong, he is held personally responsible, and the fiendish +newspapers fall upon him.</p> + +<p class="indent">That is my experience after a little more than twelve +months in office, and if I am a little wearied of it who +shall blame me? Why should I remain the butt of all +the captious critics throughout the country? I have no +hour, except these stolen ones, that I can call my own. +All the pleasures and recreations of private life are +swallowed up in official cares. Why should I longer +submit to be engulfed in this state of slavery? I am +not in the absolute prime of youth; but still, as we +Statesmen go, I am not old. For example, I have seen +but two summers more than that elderly young beau, +<span class="smcap">H-nry J-m-s</span>. Someone once said of me, that for my +recorded age, I had the youngest-looking body in the +House of Commons. That is a subtle distinction, the +value of which I cannot grasp. I know that I have been +a buck in my time, and if I only get my time to myself +once more, I may again become as ornamental as I am +now useful. I will think it over, and probably in the +course of the next few weeks you may hear what +resolution I have taken.</p> + +<p class="author">Yours faithfully, <span class="smcap">H-nry M-tth-ws</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A BLACK AFFAIR AT HAYTI.</h2> + +<p class="indent">The Foreign Office, whether represented by Lord +<span class="smcap">Salisbury</span> or Lord <span class="smcap">Rosebery</span>,—two "berries," so that we +are to judge of the worth of our Foreign Office by its +berries, not by its fruits,—ought to be hauled over the +coals—the victim's name being suggestive of this process—by +the British Public. Mr. <span class="smcap">Coles</span> was innocent of +the charge brought against him, was convicted in the +face of evidence; and as there was no one to screen +<span class="smcap">Coles</span>, poor <span class="smcap">Coles—Coles</span> down again!—was shovelled +into a black hole, which was, <i>pro. tem.</i>, a <span class="smcap">Coles</span> cellar. +After sixteen months of Haytian bonds, and being kept +in durance by Haytian Black Guards, the energy of the +British F. O. obtained for the unfortunate prisoner a free +pardon! But no further redress, except the offer of £500, +which <span class="smcap">Coles</span> couldn't be "cokes'd" into accepting. Now +this matter of Hayti and <span class="smcap">Coles</span> is a very black affair. +What is going to be done? Do we leave <span class="smcap">Coles</span> and +scuttle? Surely so gross a wrong perpetrated in Hayti +ought to have been put right in Hayti-seven.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">The most Litigious Person on Record.</span>—The man +who had all his invitations properly stamped at Somerset +House, and then brought an action against his hosts for +breach of agreement if a dinner happened to be put off.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>"MUMPSIMUS!"</h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> +<a href="images/217b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/217b.png" alt="" /></a> + +<p>Reminiscence of a celebrated and highly popular picture, +adapted to the painful circumstance announced last week by +<i>Truth</i>; namely, that the Chorister Boys at a certain Cathedral +have all got the Mumps.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page218" id="page218"></a>[pg 218]</span></p> + +<h2>HIS FIRST APPEARANCE AT THE CAFÉ DES AMBASSADEURS.</h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"> +<a href="images/218.png"><img width="100%" src="images/218.png" alt="" /></a><p class="center">OWEN MEREDITH, <i>ALIAS</i> LORD LYTTON, TRANSLATED INTO FRENCH.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Lord L-tt-n sings</i>:—</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Love's Metamorphoses</i> I sang of late,</p> +<p class="i2">"My Unglenaverilled Glenaveril"</p> +<p>Puzzled the Public's unpoetic pate.</p> +<p class="i2">Wit, like my sire's imaginary <i>Vril</i>,</p> +<p>Is thaumaturgic. I have served the State</p> +<p class="i2">In various ways with elegance and skill;</p> +<p>But <i>my</i> "last Metamorphosis," I opine,</p> +<p>Out of Glenaveril's wholly takes the shine.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>From "<span class="smcap">Owen Meredith</span>," of Servian song,</p> +<p class="i2">Translator (who said through the French?) to this!</p> +<p>The course, like my Serb falcon's flight, is long.</p> +<p class="i2">The proletariat possibly may hiss.</p> +<p>I scorn the anserine Gladstonian throng,</p> +<p class="i2">Whose mouthpiece is the <i>Gaily Dews</i>. I wis</p> +<p>That nickname shows a polish and a fire</p> +<p>Of wit well worthy my prodigious Sire.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>When I wrote <i>Aux Italiens</i> long ago</p> +<p class="i2">(And <i>Trovatore</i> rhymed with purgatory)</p> +<p>I little thought Paris one day should know</p> +<p class="i2">The bard in an Ambassador's full glory.</p> +<p>Ah! I shall miss the Oriental show</p> +<p class="i2">Of Ind—but that is scarce a pleasant story,</p> +<p>And, after all, I fancy that my <i>Charis</i></p> +<p>Had always, more or less, a touch of Paris.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"<i>Lucile</i>," for instance! Well, I've wandered far</p> +<p class="i2">From my old <i>Wanderer</i> days; <i>tout mieux</i>, perchance.</p> +<p>Better to be a diplomatic star</p> +<p class="i2">Than a poetic shade. Beloved France,</p> +<p>To ape thy <i>jeunesse dorée</i> will not jar</p> +<p class="i2">Upon my spirit, which is all romance:</p> +<p>I love the blend of the sublime and finical,</p> +<p>Of chivalry, choice cookery, and the cynical.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="smcap">Chamberlain</span>—<i>did</i> I dub him once a scold,</p> +<p class="i2">A leaner, later <i>Casca</i>? I was wrong—</p> +<p>Is off to Canada, and <span class="smcap">Balbo</span> bold</p> +<p class="i2">(I called him bilious once, but 'twas in song)</p> +<p>Is with us now, I hope the league may hold.</p> +<p class="i2">Who now dubs <span class="smcap">Joseph</span>—though of course he's strong—</p> +<p>"The secret despot of a Cabinet,</p> +<p>That dare not disregard his faintest threat?"</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Forgive the thought, <i>Cæcilius</i>! Whether <span class="smcap">Joe</span></p> +<p><i>Has</i> put his foot in it, and bowed still more</p> +<p>Your "large Olympian forehead," I don't know;</p> +<p class="i2">But I can see that it must be a bore</p> +<p>To have your diplomats run wild. I go</p> +<p class="i2">With other purpose to a nearer shore;</p> +<p>And soon I hope your confidence to win,</p> +<p>And prove no ass, though in the <span class="smcap">Lyons'</span> skin!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent">The "Wild West" finished up +rather tamely. Lord <span class="smcap">Lorne</span> and +others, with, we presume, the Honourable +<span class="smcap">Buffalo Bill Cody</span>, palavered +about an International Arbitration +Court. If the Hon. and Rev. <span class="smcap">Bill</span>—"Reverend" +because, as he tells us, +he once performed the part of a clergyman +and married a couple, pronouncing +a formula which, being a close +parody on the words of the solemn +rite, need not be repeated here, though +they evidently struck him as a bright +idea,—has anything to do with it, we +shall hear of the rules of this new +Court (not Earl's Court) being at +once codi-fied.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Restitution With Resignation.</span>—M. +<span class="smcap">Wilson</span> gave up 40,000 francs' +worth of postage. Will M. <span class="smcap">Grévy</span> +give up the post altogether?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Another Motto for Augustus +Druriolanus.</span>—He does not say, +"Peace with Honour," but "Piece +with <span class="smcap">Merritt</span>."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">"<span class="smcap">The Rough Element</span>"—last +week, was—the Sea.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page219" id="page219"></a>[pg 219]</span></p> + +<h2><span class="cursive">Jenny Lind.</span></h2> + +<p class="indent"><i>Born at Stockholm, October 6, 1821. Married Herr Otto +Goldschmidt, February 5, 1852. Died, November 2, 1887.</i></p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"She never lost her interest in the two chief objects of her +life, music and charity."—<i>Times.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Music and Charity! Of all things mortal,</p> +<p class="i2">What sweeteners of our lives may match these twain?</p> +<p>What draweth hearts nearer the heavenly portal</p> +<p class="i2">Than mercy's impulse, melody's moving strain?</p> +<p class="i4">Well chosen, singer sweet!</p> +<p>Great gifts, and the large love of giving meet,</p> +<p class="i2">Well harmonised in <span class="smcap">Jenny Lind's</span> career;</p> +<p>These made her life delight, these make her memory dear.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Punch</i>, of well-fitting phrases ready minter,</p> +<p class="i2">Christened his favourite forty years ago;</p> +<p>Hailed as "The Nightingale that Sings in Winter,"<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a></p> +<p class="i2">The Swedish songstress whom the voice of woe</p> +<p class="i4">Moved ever, as her own</p> +<p class="i2">Moved the applauding multitude; alone,</p> +<p>Amidst the stars of Opera's tuneful quire,</p> +<p>To succour ever prompt as potent to inspire!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"Dear <span class="smcap">Jenny Lind</span>!" So then his song addressed her</p> +<p class="i2">Who still is "<span class="smcap">Jenny Lind</span>," and still is dear.</p> +<p>Though Genius praised, and Fashion's crowd caressed her,</p> +<p class="i2">She sank not, like some stars, below her sphere</p> +<p class="i4">Into those darkening mists</p> +<p class="i2">Whose taint the true and tender heart resists.</p> +<p>Her nature fame was powerless to soil,</p> +<p>Whom splendour hardened not, and puffery could not spoil.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>How the crowd rushed and crushed, and cheered and clamoured,</p> +<p class="i2">Forty years syne, to hang upon her song!</p> +<p>Of <i>La Sonnambula's</i> heroine enamoured,</p> +<p class="i2">Thrilled by the flute-like trillings sweet as strong</p> +<p class="i4">Of their dear Nightingale.</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Amina</i>, <i>Lucia</i>, <i>Alice</i>, each they'd hail</p> +<p>With fervent plaudits, in whose flush and stir</p> +<p>Love of her silvery song was blent with love of her.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And each well earned! The crowd would press and jostle</p> +<p class="i2">To hear their favourite warbler, from whose throat,</p> +<p>Clear as the lark, and mellow as the throstle,</p> +<p class="i2">The limpid melody would soar and float.</p> +<p class="i4">Now like a shattered lute,</p> +<p class="i2">The Nightingale who sang in winter's mute;</p> +<p>But long remembered that pure life shall be,</p> +<p>To Music dedicate and vowed to Charity.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="footnotes"> +<div class="footnote"> +<p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a> +<span class="label"><a href="#FNanchor_1_1">[A]</a></span> +See <i>Punch</i>, Vol. XVI., p. 15.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> +<a href="images/219.png"><img width="100%" src="images/219.png" alt="" /></a> +<h2>"THE LABOUR MARKET."</h2> + +<p class="indent"><i>First East Countryman.</i> "<span class="smcap">Shall yeaou Voote for the Dis'tablishment o' +th' Chu'ch?</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Second Ditto (firmly).</i> "No; thar I 'on't, Bo'! Work's scass enow as +<span class="smcap">'t is—but if we was to hev all them Parsons tu'nned out, an' goin' +'bout Ploughin', An' Hedgin', An' Mowin', An' Harvestin', we should be +wuss off than we are now!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>"THE BEARING OF IT LIES IN THE APPLICATION."</h2> + +<p class="indent">"Spare no efforts to maintain the magnificent inheritance which +has descended from your forefathers," said Mr. <span class="smcap">Chamberlain</span>, when +bidding a temporary good-bye to Birmingham.</p> + +<p class="indent">Well, it is a magnificent inheritance, and most certainly it is our +duty, as well as our interest, to maintain it. But how? Magnificent +as it is, it has certain incumbrances; memories of wrongs unredressed, +actualities of mismanagement unremoved. To maintain <i>these</i> is not +to improve the inheritance, and enable us to hand it down better +worth maintaining by those who will inherit it from us. As stewards +of the splendid patrimony of empire, we must not only keep it +together, but properly—that is, justly and sagaciously—administer it, +which, indeed, is the only sure and safe way of maintaining it. The +accumulated mortgage of our ancestors' errors and misdeeds is, unfortunately, +but inevitably, a part of our "inheritance." To pay it +off may seem a burdensome duty, but a duty it is, in the resolute +doing, not the haughty ignoring or cowardly shirking, of which we +shall be at least as truly "maintaining our inheritance," as by stroke +of sword, or statute of coercion. <i>Verb. sap</i>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent">We see a book advertised by Messrs. <span class="smcap">Kegan, Paul & Co.</span>, called +<i>Tertium Quid</i>. Ask an Eton Boy, about Christmas time, or when +he is going back to school, what is the translation of <i>Tertium Quid</i>, +and he will probably hold out his hand and reply, "The third +sovereign—but I'll take one to go on with, or to go off with." Well, +you can "owe him one" for that.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">What's in a Name?</span>—The person who ought to write a weird +Christmas story is, evidently, the Author of <i>Bootles' Baby, That +Imp!</i> &c., <span class="smcap">John Strange Winter</span>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Motto for the New Lord Mayor.</span>—"<i>Aut Keyser aut nullus.</i>"</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE FISHERS.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>Some way after Kingsley.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The Fishers went sailing North, South, East, and West,</p> +<p class="i2">And they raised lots of rows ere the sun went down.</p> +<p>Each fancied the foreigners' waters the best,</p> +<p class="i2">And wished in those waters to let his nets down.</p> +<p>And Commissions must work and Statesmen must weep,</p> +<p>And weary with trying the peace for to keep,</p> +<p class="i2">Whilst the Public heart is groaning.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The Smack-owners rush to Lord <span class="smcap">Salisbury's</span> side,</p> +<p class="i2">And genial <span class="smcap">Joseph's</span> to Canada gone;</p> +<p>And the end of this selfishness, temper, and pride,</p> +<p class="i2">Will be a great big all-round fight ere all's done,</p> +<p>Unless men will try their hot tempers to keep,</p> +<p>And establish some rule of fair-play on the deep,</p> +<p class="i2">For which honest hearts are all moaning.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Political Sepulture.</span>—The Senior Member for Northampton +lately told his constituents that:—</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"The Conservatives were digging their own graves, and it was about the +only good and sensible thing they possibly could do."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">But if they wanted an interment, the Home-Rulers could supply +them with a <span class="smcap">Sexton</span> ready and willing to save them that trouble.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">"<span class="smcap">The Scarcity of Hares.</span>"—It is so stated. But it's only a +bald statement.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Letts' Diaries.</span>—There are two sorts of Letts: The Out-Letts for +1887, and the In-Letts for 1888. Letts get 'em.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page220" id="page220"></a>[pg 220]</span></p> + +<h2>SHOWS VIEWS.</h2> + +<p class="center"><i>By Victor Who-goes-Everywhere.</i></p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> +<a href="images/220a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/220a.png" alt="" /></a> +</div> + +<p class="indent">Last week was remarkable for a number of <i>Matinées</i>. There were +two, each with a new Play, at the Vaudeville, in preparation +apparently for the disappearance of <i>Sophia</i>. The Author of one of the +pieces was, I fancy, Mr. <span class="smcap">Jones</span> +(the name fixed itself on my +memory), but I am not quite +so sure about the others. I +rather think the first play +was written in collaboration +possibly by Messrs. <span class="smcap">Brown</span> +and <span class="smcap">Robinson</span> to complete the +immortal <i>trio</i>. However, the +morning performance <i>par excellence</i>, +was the production +of a new and original poetical +drama in five Acts, called +<i>Nitrocris</i>, by <span class="smcap">Geo. Graves</span>, at +Drury Lane. This was really +a very interesting occasion, +as we were taken back to +<span class="smcap">B.C.</span> 1420, and I must admit +that I too was rather taken +aback when I found the +Early Egyptians talking of +the "Pharmacopœia," and +many other matters of a +yet more recent date. I supposed +this was local colouring, and when I saw the "Banquetting +Hall in the Palace," I felt sure that the Egyptian Court represented +belonged to the Nineteenth Century, and could be easily +discovered (either by season ticket or on payment of a shilling) in +Sydenham. The Author supplies a note in the official programme, +in which she informs the World that <span class="smcap">Amun-Mykera Nitocris</span> was +"handsome among women, and brave among men, and governed for +her husband with great splendour and much justice, though she is +rebuked by several of the ancient historians for her cruelty and +sensuality," and no doubt these facts have suggested the five long +Acts of the more or less poetical play. What story there is shows how +the adopted son of and apprentice to an Embalmer, after being left +to die in the Palace of <i>Nitocris</i> for refusing to join in an unpatriotic +toast, escapes, and twelve weeks later is lured back once more to the +Royal realms to reject the suddenly-kindled love of the Egyptian +Queen in favour of the affection of a Grecian orphan called <i>Soris</i>, +who happens to be staying on a visit with her swarthy Majesty. +Then <i>Soris</i> gets half-poisoned and entirely stabbed, and <i>Nitocris</i> and +the Embalmer's Apprentice repair to a "stretch of desert in the +neighbourhood of the Pyramids," to be drowned in an inundation +which is much talked about but never seen. As the Embalmer's +Apprentice, Mr. <span class="smcap">J. H. Barnes</span> fostered the impression that he was +either a very slow and dull pupil, or that the art of embalming had +taken him a middle-aged lifetime to thoroughly acquire. In the last +act he looked like a portly Friar of Orders Grey sadly in need of the +fast rising Nile. Mr. <span class="smcap">Robert Pateman</span> was good as a nigger +<i>Quasimodo</i>, who apparently had nothing in particular to do save to +murder Miss <span class="smcap">Alma Murray</span> when that popular young <i>tragédienne's</i> +sorrows became monotonous and required +curtailment in the interests of the audience. +Mr. <span class="smcap">Fernandez</span> too was useful as Chief of +the Magi, and Mr. <span class="smcap">Bernard Gould's</span> performance +would have been more pleasing +had he really died at the end of the Second +Act, instead of living to see the final fall of +the curtain. But this last was rather the +Author's than the actor's fault. Personally +I should have been better satisfied had every +one died at the end of the First Act, but I +confess I am a little exacting. On Wednesday, +after the "principals" had been +called and received more or less applause, there was a cry for the +Authoress, when to my surprise a lady in a semi-masculine costume +and seemingly in her "teens," made her way before the curtain. +This was young "<span class="smcap">Clo</span>,"—a most charming person to judge from her +personal appearance. There was a further "call" when a gentleman +of much maturer years was seen bowing. I do not know if he +was also a "<span class="smcap">Clo</span>,"—if so, he was unquestionably a much older +"<span class="smcap">Clo</span>"—in fact, quite an elderly "<span class="smcap">Clo</span>." Ages ago a wonderful piece +called <i>Nitocris</i> was played at Drury Lane for a few nights with +moderate success. In it was represented an inundation, that, if it +did not precisely resemble the waters of the rising Nile, at any rate +was a capital realisation of green-coloured muslin sprinkled with +spangles. I am afraid that young "<span class="smcap">Clo's</span>" poetical play will not +keep the stage much longer than its predecessor.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> +<a href="images/220b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/220b.png" alt="" /></a> <p>Full in Front.</p> +</div> + +<p class="indent">It was my good fortune to be present at the opening of the +Manchester Exhibition (which <i>Mr. Punch</i> very appropriately +christened the "Gem of the Jubilee,") and on Thursday last I again +paid it a visit with about sixty-five thousand other persons. In spite of +the hurricane of the preceding Monday, the building was in an +excellent condition, and the reproduction of the old part of the +ancient city had weathered the storm as if it had been intended to +remain for a thousand years instead of half-a-dozen months. I was +much struck with the extreme good-nature of a Lancashire crowd. +In the afternoon a severe shower of rain, which I fancy must have +come down from Town by the 10.10 Express from Euston (a train +which maintained the tradition of the L. & N. W. R. by +arriving to the minute) drove all the pleasure-seekers from the +grounds into the building, and for a moment there was an "ugly +block." Immediately the police and the other officials organised a +stream right and left, and when it was found that there were many +schools amongst the sight-seers, a cry of "Make way for the +children!" secured the safety of the little ones. The picture galleries +were as popular as ever, and I observed that the crowd generally +gathered in dense masses near the paintings with historical events as +their subjects. The arrival of the Princess of <span class="smcap">Wales</span> at Gravesend +was particularly favoured, and some regret was expressed that the +Benchers of the Middle Temple had required the return of the +portrait by <span class="smcap">Holl</span> of their Royal Treasurer. The splendid display +of the works of Mr. <span class="smcap">Watts</span> did not attract much attention, one lady +observing that it was "a pity that they had not been finished," and +their opposite neighbours by Mr. <span class="smcap">Burne-Jones</span>, were also a +little above the heads (in more senses than one) of the average +shilling public. But <span class="smcap">Landseer</span>, <span class="smcap">Millais</span>, <span class="smcap">Poynter</span> and <span class="smcap">Holman +Hunt</span> had thousands of earnest admirers, and there were always +enthusiastic groups in front of "<i>The Derby Day</i>" and "<i>Ramsgate +Sands</i>." It was delightful to walk through the galleries +devoted to this unique, this magnificent collection of purely +native Art, only saddened by the reflection that such an opportunity +would never offer itself again. The machinery, from another +point of view, was nearly as interesting. I have been present at +many Exhibitions, but have never seen anything to equal the display +of "works in operation." Both visitors and "hands" seemed to be +equally in earnest; the first to watch, and the second to work. Then +the music was excellent, as, indeed, it was obliged to be to satisfy +the requirements of Manchester connoisseurs, who are not to be put +off with second-rate bands. Lastly, the illuminated fountains were +absolutely fairy-like with their colours reflected from below the water- +line. +And this reminds me there was also something else fairy-like—the +<i>table d'hôte</i> dinner served in the Conservatory, which seemed +(with its many courses, of the daintiest proportions) to be exactly +suited to the wants of <i>Titania</i> and (if he took the hint printed on +the menu, and "requiring extra quantities of any of the dishes," +asked for more) of the robuster <i>Oberon</i>. The captious might certainly +have objected that the dessert would have been more satisfactory +had nut-crackers been supplied with the walnuts. I asked for a +pair, but was told by my waiter that he could get me none. No +doubt this little defect will be remedied when the contractor fulfils +his intention of catering next year at the Brussels Exhibition. But +this is a detail. For the rest, the Manchester celebration of the +Fiftieth Year of Her Majesty's reign has been worthy of the occasion; +and my second visit has fully confirmed the opinion (that was +expressed in May last) that the leading town of Lancashire has +produced the Gem of the Jubilee.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>JAW-HOLDING.</h2> + +<div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> +<a href="images/220c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/220c.png" alt="" /></a> <p>Hold your Jaw!</p> +</div> + +<p class="indent">At the dinner of the Nottingham Mechanics' Institution, the other +night, Mr. <span class="smcap">Phelps</span>, the American Minister, +advocated the establishment of a +Professorship of Silence in schools and +colleges. Good! There is too much +latitude given to jabberers and chatterers +in the present day. Politicians +do nothing but prate, and the talking +man nowadays has taken the place of +the working man. We might begin our +reform in the House of Commons. The +Sergeant-at-Arms might appoint a +beadle to bridle the tongues of the +everlasting talkers, and an official with +a large extinguisher should make them harmless after they had +bored the House for five minutes.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">To Several Correspondents.</span>—"Fox the Quaker." It is not +true that the birthday of this excellent man is celebrated in his +native place by an annual "meet." Fox was occasionally hunted, +but though a Quaker, it is not on record that he ever quaked. Our +Correspondents' mistake arises probably from Fox having been a +man of <i>pax</i>. But in this case his memory would be honoured by all +card-players.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page221" id="page221"></a>[pg 221]</span></p> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="indent">There is no better form of book, providing always the print be +clear and distinct, than the volume which is adapted practically in +price and size to the pocket. +One man's pocket is more capacious +than another's, as one +man's purse is longer than +another's, and the latter can +purchase a volume more expensively +got up than the small, +useful, charming travelling +companions that <i>Mr. Punch</i> +has at this moment actually in +view while others are in his +mind's eye, Horatio. <i>The +Handy-Volume Shakspeare</i> +(<span class="smcap">Bradbury, Agnew, & Co.</span>), +which in every way is the +model of a pocket-volume, the +model <i>par excellence</i>, is a +member of a family all in one +case, a perfect Christmas present. +But if one volume is +lost, the set is spoilt, and the +missing book cannot, in the +ordinary course of bookselling +nature, be replaced. Consequently only a very careful and methodical +person can venture upon travelling about with one of these +volumes as his pocket-companion. A little Shakespeare is a +dangerous thing. And this is why the small books belonging to +<i>Cassell's National Library,</i> price threepence apiece, ought to find +favour in the eyes of those who can read in a cab, in a coach, in a +train, or even walking. As to a man running and reading the +thing's almost impossible, and whoever saw a man on horseback +reading a book, except in an old print of <i>Doctor Syntax</i>? As the +snail carries his shell about with him, so every Englishman can +carry his own <i>Cassell</i>, and get rid of it too—which is more than the +snail can—and can lose it—and can replace it for the small sum of +threepence, or if secondhand (for being in limp covers they soon become +"secondhand" in appearance) for considerably less. With a volume +from this library carried always in the tail-pocket of his coat—the +very place to carry a short tale—no one need ever be idle, and every +spare moment, as long as he is wearing the coat, can be well occupied. +These bits of books are our modern <i>Curiosities of Literature</i>.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> +<a href="images/221a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/221a.png" alt="" /></a> <p>Handy Vols.</p> +</div> + +<p class="indent">Nor must we forget the <span class="smcap">Dickens</span> series of Messrs. <span class="smcap">Routledge</span>, who +have just brought out a dainty little edition of the <i>Cricket on the +Hearth</i>. This is a lasting work got up in a lasting manner. And +so whether the tale be long, or short, pointed or not, every man for a +small sum, in some instances a very small sum, can be his own talebearer: +only the tale isn't his, it is somebody else's, but his by +purchase.</p> + +<p class="indent">Among the handiest of handy books must be included the Pocket +Diaries for 1888, numbered, respectively, one, two, three,—of which +No. 3 is "A1,"—brought out by <span class="smcap">John Walker & Co.</span> of Farringdon +House, and admirably adapted to all walkers, who can now bring +them out for themselves every day in the new year. One novelty +there is in <span class="smcap">Walker & Co.'s</span> division of pages, and this is that two +are set apart for "Addresses"—not political ones, of course—and +two others for "Visits"—(such an idea could only have struck a +Walker who wanted an object for his walk)—these being subdivided +into columns headed "<i>Name</i>," "<i>Reception Day</i>," "<i>Visit Received</i>," +"<i>Visit Returned</i>," which in itself is quite a little manual, or +<i>Walker's Dictionary</i>, of politeness. To "Cash" is devoted a great +deal too much space; but, of course, if there is sufficient cash to fill +it, so much the better. If we might suggest a "rider" to <span class="smcap">Walker</span>, +it would be that, as many persons, who pay nothing else, are often +most assiduous in "paying their addresses" and in "paying visits," +an equal space might be given to business as represented by "Cash," +and to pleasure as represented by the two other items. The pencil +is a triumph of ingenuity, and the binding of No. 3 proves the truth +of the old adage, that there is nothing like leather, specially when +the leather is Russian.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Humility.</span>—The <i>Pall Mall Gazette</i>, in its account of the consecration +of Truro Cathedral, stated how—</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"The Archbishop of <span class="smcap">Canterbury</span> and the Bishop of <span class="smcap">Truro</span> received the +Prince of <span class="smcap">Wales</span> at the Phillpotts porch, and conducted His Royal Highness +to a footstool placed for him in the choir. Every available inch of space was +crowded."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Poor Royal Highness! only a "footstool" to sit upon. He was +His Royal Lowness on this occasion. If, however, for "footstool" +we read "faldstool," His Royal Highness's apparently uncomfortable +position becomes intelligible.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MORE REALISM.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,</p> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> +<a href="images/221b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/221b.png" alt="" /></a> +</div> + +<p class="indent">Will you not help us to make a stand even now against the +encroachments of realism in the pronunciation of Latin? My evening +paper has been full of it lately. Why, +Sir, it is well known that the Britons +understood the Romans, and the Romans +the Britons, and if the Romans had said +their repetition in the absurd foreign +fashion that a few modern-side pedants +advocate, is it likely that the Britons +would have understood them, much less +that they would have had so much respect +for them as to admit their garrisons, +and their Mayors, and their Corporations, +and what not for four or five +hundred years? And if our early ancestors had spoken Latin in this +eminently unmanly un-English fashion, why should we naturally +and instinctively pronounce it in our own way now, as if there were +no natural piety linking the chapters of our rough island story +together?</p> + +<p class="indent">The Cambridge Augustan Johnnies (Dr. <span class="smcap">Sandys</span> at least, being a +Johnian, may excuse the term) set great store upon the fact that all +over the Continent the language is pronounced in the foreign manner. +Why, Sir, it is well known that the Norse tongue in Iceland, being +icerlated, has remained nearly unchanged since its introduction in +the ninth century. And England is an island; therefore the Latin +tongue, introduced by the Roman colonists, must have remained +unchanged also. For my own part, I own I have no patience with +this degradation of the hallowed traditions of our school-days to the +level of languages which can be got up in <i>Ollendorff</i> and fluently +pattered by couriers and waiters. "Wenny, weedy, weaky." Good +gracious! Is that the language of a conquering, masterful race? +The matter does not admit of serious argument.</p> + +<p class="author">Yours, wondering what next, <span class="smcap">One of the Old School</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">The Last of the Go-he-cans.</span>—The <i>Times</i> for November 1, in +giving a list of the Masters of Foxhounds, mentioned the Rev. E. M. +<span class="smcap">Reynolds</span> as "the only clergyman who can append M.F.H. to his +name." Of course this does not mean that no other clergyman +"can" do so, or the Clergy would indeed be an uneducated set, but +that the Rev. <span class="smcap">E. M. Reynolds</span> is the only successor of the Rev. <span class="smcap">Jack +Russell</span> who has the right to append M.F.H. to his name. How +often does his pack meet? Is it <i>Reynolds's Weekly</i>? If the +hounds are a trifle mixed, it may be known as <i>Reynolds's Miscellany</i>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Captain <span class="smcap">Stokes</span>, who peremptorily ordered Mr. <span class="smcap">O'Brien</span> off to +prison, seems to be the sort of a man that <span class="smcap">Charles Dickens</span> described +as a "Harbitrary Gent." Quite a despotic Turk. As the +Nationalists call the Castle Officials "Bashi-Bazouks," let them +allude to the gallant Captain and Magistrate as "<span class="smcap">Stokes Bey</span>."</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:30%;"> +<a href="images/221c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/221c.png" alt="" /></a> <p>International Punch.</p> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">International Arbitration.</span>—Should +difficulties +ever arrive at this +peaceable solution—(so +likely!—ahem!—but +always a Bright Dream)—then +there could not be a +name of better omen for a +representative of British +Interests than "<span class="smcap">Lyon +Playfair</span>."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Trafalgar Square may +be "the finest site in the +world," but the Mob in +it isn't.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A ROW IN THE GALLERY.</h2> + +<p class="indent">What does it all mean? "Pitch 'em +over!" cries Sir <span class="smcap">Coutts-Lindsay</span> of +his "salaried assistants," and perhaps +Sir <span class="smcap">Coutts</span> would like to pitch Messrs. +<span class="smcap">Comyns Carr</span> and <span class="smcap">C. E. Hallé</span> all +over, and make them come out uncommonly +black after the process. But +apparently the "salaried assistants" +have thrown over their munificent patron +of the Arts, and turned themselves out. +But this is "no new thing," for whenever +we have had the pleasure of meeting +Mr. <span class="smcap">Carr</span> or Mr. <span class="smcap">Hallé</span>, they have +always been uncommonly well turned +out, and not a speck on either of them. +Evidently the <span class="smcap">Carr</span> has been upset, and +<span class="smcap">Hallé</span> has walked off, showing himself +a "Hallé Sloper." The two "salaried +assistants" will not go to swell the +ranks of the "Unemployed," and, in +order to prevent the re-entrance of the +"salaried assistants," Sir <span class="smcap">Coutts</span> now +keeps guard at the Gallery door, armed +with a Pike.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Summary of the Endacott-Cass +Affair.</span>—A Miss-take.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page222" id="page222"></a>[pg 222]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/222.png" alt="" /> <h2>HAVING A GOOD TIME</h2> + +<p class="indent"><i>Mamma.</i> "<span class="smcap">It's very late, Emily. Has anybody taken you down to Supper?</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Fair Débutante (who has a fine healthy appetite).</i> "<span class="smcap">Oh yes, Mamma—several People!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ALL THE DIFFERENCE.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>No, no! A natural alarm, but needless!</p> +<p class="i2">'Tis true subversive dolts in these sad times</p> +<p>Do call on you to flourish and to feed less,</p> +<p class="i2">And hint that pomp and turtle soup are crimes.</p> +<p class="i2"> The sour fanatics!</p> +<p>Scribblers who'd set the world straight from their attics.</p> +<p>But they will never dare—the dastards, No!—</p> +<p class="i2"> To stop the Lord Mayor's Show.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Your fright, my Lord, 's a pardonable error.</p> +<p class="i2">The Proclamation can't apply to you.</p> +<p>No one, I'm sure, can take you for a Terror,</p> +<p class="i2">Red, white, or any other tint or hue.</p> +<p class="i4">Are you "disorderly"?</p> +<p>No; you within legality's trim-kept border lie;</p> +<p>From touching you even almighty Law</p> +<p class="i4">Would shrink with utter awe.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>True you "perambulate the streets." What noddy</p> +<p class="i2">Objects? You do not "break into a run,"</p> +<p>And as to "terrorising" anybody,</p> +<p class="i2">No one could hint at that, except in fun.</p> +<p class="i4">"Hooting and yelling"</p> +<p>Are not your vocal habits. <span class="smcap">Warren's</span> belling</p> +<p>The Cat of Anarchy; he'll tell you that.</p> +<p class="i4">You are not quite that Cat.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>It's claws are showing, and they may want clipping,</p> +<p class="i2">And shindy in the streets is just a pest;</p> +<p>But Law, though lately once or twice found tripping,</p> +<p class="i2">Won't interfere with the calm Civic nest.</p> +<p class="i4"><span class="smcap">Matthews</span> seems heedless,</p> +<p>And "shoves his oar in" in a style most needless;</p> +<p>But even he would hardly raise his clutch</p> +<p class="i4">The sacred Ninth to touch.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>No, a good rule may have a good exception.</p> +<p class="i2">You're popular, pass on! Rowdies and raff</p> +<p>Need raps. Let him in civism adept, shun</p> +<p class="i2">The spouter's bawling, and the Bobby's staff.</p> +<p class="i4">Mad mobs in Town</p> +<p>Are a vile nuisance that must be put down;</p> +<p>But you're not a "Procession," don't you know,—</p> +<p class="i4"><i>You</i> are—a "Show"!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>"CHARLES OUR FRIEND."</h2> + +<p class="indent">Bravo, Sir <span class="smcap">Charles Warren</span>! The +roughs may consider you a Rabid Warren, +but what does that matter to you, or to us, or +to any lover of order, peace, and quietness in +this vast Metropolis? You're not a weasel to +be caught napping, and your recent Proclamation +is admirable, if its provisions be only +justly and exactly carried out. Your arrangements +too—talking of provisions—for housing +the houseless, seem to be remarkably judicious. +<i>Mr. Punch</i> trusts that the Processions which +you mention, and "the wandering bands perambulating +the streets," which you are going +to consider as disorderly, will be taken to +include those disturbers of our Sunday Quiet, +calling themselves Members of the Salvation +Army, who, it is to be hoped, in every district +wherever their presence is not welcome to a +majority of the respectable residents, will be +summarily dispersed and their noise stopped. +On working days let perambulating bands +come out for air and exercise, only let them +take care that their "air" be always in tune. +That schools and clubs should have their +bands is an excellent thing. But there are +six days in the week for noise, and the Salvationists +can let us have our Sunday in +peace. <i>Mr. Punch</i> is all for freedom of +speech, and so he speaks out freely. He is +all for the liberty of the subject, but the +subject must remember that he is a subject, +and <i>Mr. Punch</i> takes the liberty to remind +him of it. At the meeting of real working +men of business to protest against these +meetings in Trafalgar Square, Mr. <span class="smcap">Frederick +Gordon</span> spoke up for his Metropole-itan interests +in Grand style. The <span class="smcap">Home Secretary</span>, +it is to be hoped, carefully pondered the +speeches of these practical gentlemen. Mr. +<span class="smcap">Attenborough</span>, too,—"O, my prophetic soul, +my uncle!"—gave distinct evidence of the +injury done to trade in and about Trafalgar +Square. The Rev. Mr. <span class="smcap">Kitto</span> moved a +resolution, and Mr. <span class="smcap">Biddulph</span> seconded it,</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">Saying ditto</p> +<p class="i4">To Mr. <span class="smcap">Kitto</span>.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent">And <i>Mr. Punch</i> once more expresses his hope +that the first Act of next Session will be one +to regulate meetings and processions in and +about London, whereby orderly citizens may +enjoy their rights undisturbed. Trafalgar +Square and all our great thoroughfares should +be "proclaimed districts," as regards the +loafers, roughs, and rowdies whose object is +plunder, and whose end is—or, at least, should +be—punishment.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="cursive">Punch.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page223" id="page223"></a>[pg 223]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/223.png" alt="" /> <h2>ALL THE DIFFERENCE.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Lord Mayor.</span> "EH!—WHAT!—PROCESSIONS!—WHY——"</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Sir C. Warren.</span> "OH, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, MY LORD,—YOU'RE NOT A 'PROCESSION'—YOU'RE A 'SHOW.' +<i>YOU</i> WON'T 'TERRORISE THE INHABITANTS'!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page225" id="page225"></a>[pg 225]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"> +<a href="images/225.png"><img width="100%" src="images/225.png" alt="" /></a> <h2>"NOBLESSE OBLIGE."</h2> + +<p class="indent"><i>Old Friend.</i> "<span class="smcap">Hullo, Dick! How are you? I wish you'd +come and Dine with me to-night. But now you're a Lord, I +suppose I mustn't call you Dick any longer, or even ask you +to Dinner?</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Noble Earl (who has just come into his Title).</i> "<span class="smcap">Lord be blowed! +Lend me a Fiver, and you may call me what you like—and +I'll Dine with you into the bargain!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>SCARLETINA AT TRURO.</h2> + +<p class="indent">The æsthetic Archbishop <span class="smcap">Benson</span> has an eye for colour. At +Truro, the <i>Times</i> report says, "he wore his scarlet robe and train, +which, as he moved from place to place in the Cathedral"—very +restless of him, by the way—"was upborne by two little acolytes +clad in scarlet cassocks and dainty surplices of lawn, and wearing +tiny scarlet caps upon their heads." The Archbishop is the big +scarlet, and the tiny acolytes might be called the scarletini. And to +think that years ago this sudden outbreak of archiepiscopal brilliancy +would have been inveighed against as trifling with the "Scarlet +Lady." H.R.H. made an excellent speech on the occasion, and, with +the effect of colour still in his memory, he could not resist reminding +the æsthetic Dr. <span class="smcap">Benson</span> that "seven years and a half ago"—nothing +like being exact—"he (H.R.H.) was enabled to lay the foundation +stone of this Cathedral with Masonic honours." "Archbishop in +scarlet, forsooth! scarlet tiny acolytes!" (such was evidently the +rebuke conveyed in H.R.H.'s speech)—"you should just see Me as +Most Worshipful Grand Master, with my Wardens, Deacons, +Chaplains, and Tylers! Why, in comparison with that blaze of +splendour, you and your scarlet are nowhere. However, Ladies and +Gentlemen, I came here on this occasion, not 'to oblige <span class="smcap">Benson</span>,' +but to visit this ancient Duchy in my popular character of Duke of +<span class="smcap">Cornwall</span>. <i>Au revoir.</i>"</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent">Monsignor <span class="smcap">Persico</span>, <i>Truth</i> says, stayed with Archbishop <span class="smcap">Croke</span>, +and dined with the witty and popular Father <span class="smcap">James Healy</span>, P.P. +of Little Bray. Well, Monsignor <span class="smcap">Persico</span> must have heard a great +deal of croke-ing, but let us hope he has got some remedies for +healy-ing the wounds of the distressful country from <i>Mr. Punch's</i> +good friend, Father <span class="smcap">James</span>, of Little Bray, and precious little bray +about him.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A MYSTERIOUS PAPER.</h2> + +<p class="indent">The near approach of Christmas, with its fireside stories, has +suggested the following list of questions for examination that may +be put to himself by any intending <i>raconteur</i>. As he may be sure +that if he can tackle them satisfactorily he will be able effectually +to enchain any family circle he may come across during the coming +festive season, he may be safely recommended to go at them in all +confidence:—</p> + +<p class="indent">1. What is a "spook"? Have you ever met one in society? +Define "telepathy." Can you send a "telepathigram"? If so, do +you think it would cost more than a halfpenny a word?</p> + +<p class="indent">2. Write a short biographical notice of Messrs. <span class="smcap">Myers and +Gurney</span>. State which of the two you would rather be, and give, if +you can, your reasons for your answer.</p> + +<p class="indent">3. Furnish a brief abstract, that must not exceed 300 pages, of +their joint work, <i>Phantasms of the Living</i>. What would be the +present price of the two volumes on <span class="smcap">Mudie's</span> Second-hand List?</p> + +<p class="indent">4. A certain Mr. <span class="smcap">Brown</span> knew a Captain <span class="smcap">Jones</span>, who knew a +Major <span class="smcap">Robinson</span>, who one night sitting at Mess at a hill-station in +the Central Provinces of India, thought he saw a figure on the +verandah and felt a sudden dig in the side as if somebody had +pushed him with his elbow. He had been mixing his wines rather +freely, but turning to his neighbour, he said, "I am almost sure +something has happened to my Uncle <span class="smcap">James</span>." He subsequently +wrote a dozen letters to England on the subject, but could never get +any answer; and to this day, though his Uncle <span class="smcap">James</span> is known to be +alive and quite well, the matter remains a mystery. To what class +of "inconsequent warnings" could you refer this experience?</p> + +<p class="indent">5. At Bansbury House, Buckinghamshire, a phantom omnibus full +inside and out of headless passengers, drives three times round the +central grass-plot on the eve of the day on which the heir orders a +new dress-coat. Account for this, if you can, and compare it with +the reported apparition of the famous luminous elephant said to be +visible to the Lairds of Glenhuish whenever the amount of their +butcher's-book reaches the sum of £20.</p> + +<p class="indent">6. Detail the circumstances that are said to explain the curious +conduct of the celebrated little old man in the bagwig and faded blue +velvet coat, that haunts the principal guest bedchamber at Tokenhouse +Manor. To what is he supposed to refer when after mournfully +shaking his head three times he says, "It's the mustard that +did it!" Examine this, and give some reasons to account for the fact +that he invariably disappears in the linen cupboard.</p> + +<p class="indent">7. Give the various popular versions of the secret which imparted +at Rheums Castle to (1) the heir, on his attaining his majority, (2) the +family butler, and (3) a select circle of intimate friends who may have +chanced to attend on the occasion regarding the matter as an excellent +joke, instantly turns their hair white, causes them to look thirty +years older, and makes them talk in whispers, and wear an expression +of melancholy terror for the rest of their lives.</p> + +<p class="indent">8. The hall of a well-known modern villa at Brixton is haunted +by the spectre of a coal-heaver, who carries his head under +his arm; and, whenever it is opened, he is visible on the mat, just +inside the front door. Tradesmen, therefore, calling with their +accounts, rush away, terror-stricken, without waiting for payment, +and visitors coming to five o'clock tea are carried off in violent +hysterics to the nearest chemist's. As the landlord cannot induce +any bailiffs to cross the threshold, the tenant who is, notwithstanding +their ghastly condition, quite cheerful on the premises, is several +quarters in arrear with his rent. State, under the circumstances, +what proceedings, if any, you would take to "lay" the ghost.</p> + +<p class="indent">9. It is well known that the celebrated gallery at Bingham Place, +Somersetshire, is haunted, after midnight, by the apparition of a +knight in full armour, who heralds his approach by the clanking of +chains and cannon-balls, and who, after flinging about the boots and +hot-water cans standing at the doors of the various guest-chambers, +tumbles head-over-heels down-stairs, shrieking the refrain of a +thirteenth century hunting-chorus, and having thoroughly awakened +everybody sleeping on the premises, finally disappears with a loud +unearthly wail, in the butler's pantry. State what you think would +be the probable result of waiting for the appearance of this spectre, +and then suddenly hitting it hard over the knees with a cricket-bat.</p> + +<p class="indent">10. Give the story of the well-known "haunted house" in Belgrave +Square. How would the unconscious tenant who had taken it +furnished be likely to account for the punctual appearance, at half-past +nine every evening, among his guests in the back drawing-room, +of the eyeless baronet, in a dressing-gown, dragging the two elderly +females by the hair of their heads about in a deadly struggle, and, +after continuing it for three-quarters of an hour, ultimately vanishing, +as if exhausted, apparently into the grand piano? Would you +advise him to take his guests into his confidence, and apologise for the +intrusion, or pretend to notice nothing unusual in the phenomenon, +and simply ignore it? Examine the situation, and conclude your +paper by dealing with it in the shape of a short essay on "the +position of the Ghost considered in relation to Society."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page226" id="page226"></a>[pg 226]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> +<a href="images/226.png"><img width="100%" src="images/226.png" alt="" /></a> <h2>"LUXURY."</h2> + +<p class="indent">(<i>According to the latest Edition of "Knight Thoughts."</i>)</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Alderman (to his Guest, after a good dinner).</i> "<span class="smcap">'Elp y'shelf! Recollec' every Bo'le o' +Champagne we drink, provi'sh Employment for the Workin' Classhesh!!</span>"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AT HAWARDEN.</h2> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"Mr. <span class="smcap">Gladstone</span> gave Earl <span class="smcap">Spencer</span> and +Earl <span class="smcap">Granville</span> a specimen of his skill with +the axe yesterday. With Mr. <span class="smcap">Herbert Gladstone</span> +to assist him, the Right Honourable +gentleman, stripped to his waist, attacked a tree +in most vigorous fashion!"—<i>Times</i>, Nov. 4.</p> +</blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Said <span class="smcap">Spencer</span> to <span class="smcap">Granville</span>,</p> +<p>"Like strokes on an anvil."</p> +<p>Said <span class="smcap">Granville</span> to <span class="smcap">Spencer</span>,</p> +<p>"He'll catch influenza."</p> +<p>Young <span class="smcap">Herbert</span>, brow mopping,</p> +<p>Cried, "Letter from Dopping!"</p> +<p>Growled <span class="smcap">Gladstone</span>, not stopping</p> +<p>In chopping, "Blow Dopping!"</p> +<p>And so went on lopping.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent">"<span class="smcap">Refusal to Pay a Levy in Ireland.</span>"—This +was what Mrs. <span class="smcap">Ram</span> saw as the +heading of a paragraph in an evening +paper. "Well," said the good lady, "if +they won't pay a <span class="smcap">Levy</span>, why not send a +<span class="smcap">Moses</span>, and see if <i>he</i> will get it."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>The Plentiful Lac.</h2> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[The Rajah of Kupurthala, emulating the +Nizam, has offered five lacs towards the defence +of the frontiers of India.]</p> +</blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The Laureate, patriot of sense,</p> +<p class="i2">Writes with a pungent pen</p> +<p>Of "That eternal lack of pence</p> +<p class="i2">Which vexeth public men."</p> +<p>But India's public men, with pride,</p> +<p class="i2">In Princes such as these,</p> +<p>Will find their "lack of pence" supplied</p> +<p class="i2">By—a lac of rupees!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>The Thames Embankment. Crowd discovered, waiting for +Lord Mayor's Show.</i></p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Female Pleasure-seeker (whose temper is apt to be a little uncertain +on these occasions, to her husband).</i> We ought to have started at +<i>least</i> an hour earlier—just look at the number of people here already! +You <i>would</i> dawdle—and it wasn't for want of speaking to, <i>I'm</i> sure!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Her Husband (mildly).</i> It certainly was <i>not</i>. Only, as the Show +can't possibly pass for two hours, at least——</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>She.</i> <i>Two hours!</i> Am I to stand about in this crowd all <i>that</i> time?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>He (with a feeble jocularity).</i> Unless you prefer to climb a tree.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>She.</i> Then, John, all I can say is, I wish I had stayed at home! +(<i>John murmurs a silent, but fervent assent.</i>)</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>A Practical Pleasure-seeker.</i> Now I tell you what we'll <i>do</i>, +<span class="smcap">Maria</span>—you take <span class="smcap">Weetie</span>, and keep close to me, and I'll look after +<span class="smcap">Duggie</span>, and we'll just stroll comfortably up and down till the very +last minute, and drop comfortably into front places, and there +we are!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Patriotic P.</i> What I like about occasions like this, is the spectacle +of a thoroughly good-humoured, well-behaved British crowd—you +don't see that on the <i>Continent</i>, y'know!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>More Patriotic P. (thoughtfully).</i> No, that's perfectly true; and +what I say is—we don't want all these police about. Trust more to +the general spirit of decency and order—let the people feel they <i>are</i> +trusted!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>A Socialist.</i> Ah, you're right. Did you year what one of the +Orators said in the Square the other afternoon? He told 'em +Sir <span class="smcap">Charles</span> would 'ave to be as wide awake as what he was 'imself, +to prevent a Unemployed Demonstration to-day. "Let him remember," +says he, "it's in our power to do that within arf a mile +of the Mansion House, which would make the 'ole civilised world +ring with 'orror," he says. And it's men like that as they're trying +to silence and intimerdate!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>The P. P.'s (edging away a little nervously, to one another).</i> Well, +I hope the Police are keeping a sharp look-out. I—I don't seem to +see so many about as usual, eh?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>A Speculator (with two tubs and a board) to Female P.</i> 'Ere you +are, lydy, hony two shellin' fur a fust-rate stand—you won't see no +better if you was to pay a suvring!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Female P.</i> You may say what you <i>like</i>, but I'm not going to +tramp about any longer, and if you're so mean as to grudge two +shillings—why, I can pay for myself!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Husb.</i> Oh, hang it—get up if you want to!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>The Practical P.</i> Well, <span class="smcap">Maria</span>, it's no use worrying <i>now</i>—we +must go and ask at the Police-Stations afterwards—it was a mistake +to bring them!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>The Patriotic P.</i> Of course one is <i>told</i> there's a good deal of +rough horse-play on these occasions, but anything more entirely——</p> + +<p class="indent">[<i>A "larrikin" comes up behind and "bashes" his hat in; a +string of playful youths seize each other by the waist and +rush in single file through crowd, upsetting everybody in +their way; both the</i> Patriotic Pleasure-seekers <i>go home by +the Underground, without waiting for the Procession</i>.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>The Female P. (on the stand).</i> <span class="smcap">John</span>, I'm sure this board isn't +safe. We should see ever so much better on one of those carts—they're +only asking sixpence, <span class="smcap">John</span>. You <i>are</i> the worst person to +come out with—you never give yourself the smallest trouble—I have +to do it all! <i>You</i> can stop here if you choose, <i>I'm</i> going to get into +one of those carts! [<i>She and</i> <span class="smcap">John</span> <i>descend, and mount upon a +coal-cart which is being driven slowly along the route</i>.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Later; Procession approaching, distant music.</i></p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Crowd (jumping up and down like "skip-jacks" to see better).</i> +'Ere they are, they're coming!</p> + +<p class="indent">[<i>The way is cleared by trotting mounted Constables.</i></p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Stout Lady.</i> Well, if I wanted to faint ever so, I couldn't now—where +are you, my dear?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Another Stout Lady (cheerfully).</i> I'm all right, Mrs. <span class="smcap">Porter</span>, +Mum. I've got tight 'old of this nice young Perliceman's belt—don't +you fret yourself about me!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Experienced Sightseer (catching hold of little</i> <span class="smcap">Duggie</span> <i>and placing +him in front, then pushing forward</i>). Make room for this little boy, +will you, please, I want him to see.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Crowd good-naturedly make way, affording unimpeded view of +procession to</i> <span class="smcap">Duggie</span>—<i>and the</i> Experienced Sightseer, <i>who +troubles himself no further</i>.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>A Superior Sightseer.</i> To think of the traffic of the first city in +the world being stopped for this contemptible tomfoolery!</p> + +<p class="indent">[<i>Fights hard for a front place.</i></p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Procession passing.</i></p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Impertinent Female (to gorgeous Coachman).</i> 'Ow you <i>'ave</i> altered!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Well-informed Person (pointing out City Marshal).</i> That's Sir +<span class="smcap">Charles</span>, that is!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Unemployed (smarting with sense of recent wrongs).</i> Yah, toirant!</p> + +<p class="indent">[<i>The C. M. beams with gratification.</i> +</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page227" id="page227"></a>[pg 227]</span></p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Open carriages pass, containing Aldermen in tall hats and fur-coats.</i></p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Critical Crowd.</i> Brush yer 'ats! There's a nose! Oh, ain't he +bin 'avin' a go at the sherry afore he started, neither! 'Ere comes +old "Sir <span class="smcap">Ben</span>"—that's 'im in the white pot 'at!</p> + +<p class="indent">[<i>They cheer</i> Sir <span class="smcap">Ben</span>—<i>without, however, any clear notion why</i>.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Allegorical Cars pass.</i></p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Crowd.</i> Don't they look chilly up there! 'Old on to your globe, +Sir! Don't ketch cold in them tights, Miss! They've run up agin +somethink, that lot 'ave. See where it's all bent in—eh?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Lord Mayor's Coach passes.</i></p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Crowd.</i> 'Ooray! That's 'im with the muff on. No, it ain't, yer +soft 'ed! It's 'im in the feathered 'at a-layin' back. Whoy don't +yer let 'im set on yer lap, Guv'nor? &c., &c.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>A block. Lady Mayoress's Coach stopping.</i></p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Crowd.</i> There's dresses! They must ha' cost a tidy penny!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Agitator.</i> Wrung out of the pockets of the poor working-man! <i>I'd</i> +dress 'em, I would! Why should sech as you and me keep the likes +o' them in laziness? If we 'ad our rights, it's <i>us</i> as 'ud be riding in +their places!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Artisan (after a glance at him).</i> Dunno as the Show'd be much the +prettier to look at for <i>that</i>, mate.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>After the Procession.</i></p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Practical Pleasure-seeker (who has been pushed into a back row, and +seen nothing but the banners, to</i> <span class="smcap">Duggie</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Weetie</span>, <i>miraculously +recovered</i>). Thank Heaven, they're found! Children, let this be a +lesson to you in future never to——What? Seen the Show beautifully, +have you? (<i>Boiling over.</i>) Oh, very well—wait till I get you +home!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>The Female P.</i> Now, don't say another word, <span class="smcap">John</span>,—anyone but +an <i>idiot</i> would have <i>known</i> that that cart would be turned down a +back-street! If I hadn't <i>insisted</i> on getting out when I did, we +should have missed the Show altogether. Policeman, is the Show +ever coming? Shall we get a good view from here?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Policeman.</i> Capital view, Mum—if you don't mind waiting till +next November! [<i>Tableau. Curtain.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 53.</h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/227.png" alt="" /> <p class="center">THE FIRST MEET OF THE SEASON.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>The Ingratitude of Grandolph.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Many terrible things have our patriots seen;</p> +<p class="i2">They have seen their dear <span class="smcap">Dizzy</span> extending the suffrage,</p> +<p>And versatile <span class="smcap">Gladstone</span> a-wearing the Green,</p> +<p class="i2">And <span class="smcap">Harcourt</span> defending Home Rule and the rough-rage;</p> +<p>And Disintegration approaching our realm,</p> +<p class="i2">And Rads—so they fancy—inviting invaders;</p> +<p>But that which their souls must with woe most o'erwhelm</p> +<p class="i2">Is—Lord <span class="smcap">Randolph Churchill</span> a-chaffing Fair Traders!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent">"'<i>Jam' satis,</i>" as our Schoolmaster had just breath enough to +murmur when he escaped from out of the midst of a Socialist Meeting +in Trafalgar Square.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent">Unfortunately, the great enemy of the Teetotal Temperance +Societies is—the British "Public."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page228" id="page228"></a>[pg 228]</span></p> + +<h2>MANNERS AND CUSTOMS OF THE CITY OF LONDON.</h2> + +<p class="indent">(<i>A Contribution towards a Future History, by Macaulay Stiggins, C. C.</i>)</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> +<a href="images/228a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/228a.png" alt="" /></a> +</div> + +<p class="indent">The <span class="smcap">Lord Mayor</span> was the first Privy Councillor created, and has +remained so ever since that auspicious event. On the death of the +Monarch, he presides at the meeting that is immediately summoned, +and appoints the new Cabinet, generally from the members of the +late Government, +but on one memorable +occasion he +appointed all the +members of the +Court of Aldermen +who had passed the +Chair, and although +they were +afterwards induced +to resign, it was +noticed that during +their short administration +matters +went on much as +usual. This was +called the Cabinet +of Absolute Wisdom, +after Alderman +<span class="smcap">Wood</span>, the +Prime Minister, +who was the First Lord of the Treasury who ever left more +in it than he found there. His beautiful daughter, <span class="smcap">Maria</span>, was +the reigning Toast of those hard-drinking days, and gave her +well-known name to the magnificent City Barge that periodically +conveys the City Fathers, together with the City Mothers, on their +several important inspections of the Silver Thames, in the neighbourhood +of Richmond and Twickenham. The matters they have to discuss +on these occasions are of so weighty a nature that they are compelled +to have five or six horses to draw them. On one occasion, and one +only, they managed to get as far as Oxford, an account of which +celebrated voyage was written by the Lord Mayor's Chaplain of the +time, under the title of "Alderman <span class="smcap">Wenables</span>' Woyage to Hoxford," +a copy of which is still preserved in the Bodleian, among their most +cherished treasures, and can only be seen on special application, as +fabulous sums have been offered by the Court of Aldermen for its +destruction, it being the only copy that escaped when the whole +edition was ordered to be bought up and destroyed. This unique +volume is said to contain such astounding revelations as must be seen +to be believed, and would possibly not be believed even then.</p> + +<p class="indent">Before the newly-elected Lord Mayor is sworn in, he has to produce +a Certificate from a Wine Merchant, "residinge in ye Cittye," +and a Freeman of the Vintners' Company, that he has placed in the +capacious Cellar at the Mansion House, provided for that purpose, +ten Tuns, or one thousand dozen of good wine, for the year's consumption, +and whatever is left, <i>if any</i>, is distributed among the +Royal Hospitals, the quantity being carefully recorded by the learned +Recorder, which record is placed under the control of the equally +learned Comptroller, and remains for all time, as a witness to the +liberality or stinginess of the Right Honourable the Lord Mayor of +that particular year.</p> + +<p class="indent">The Sheriffs are the most ancient officers of the Corporation, having +been first elected in the reign of King <span class="smcap">Nebuchadnezzar</span>. A singular +custom still prevails, originating, it is said, in their association with +the grass-eating monarch. They are entitled, by virtue of their +office, to the first six bundles of sparrow-grass—as it was originally +spelt, and is still called by Members of the Corporation—that are +brought into Covent Garden Market: and his Grace the Duke of +<span class="smcap">Bedford</span> is always courteously invited to partake of it, at a sumptuous +banquet called "the Grass Festival." (<i>Vide Stow</i>, cap. 23 of +<span class="smcap">Bell's</span> ed.)</p> + +<p class="indent">The City Marshal was formerly a personage of great importance, +being in fact of the same rank as a Field Marshal, the only difference +being that one acted in the City and the other in the Field, whence +their names. The City Marshal was the City Champion, and always +rode into Guildhall, fully armed, on Lord Mayor's Day, at the commencement +of the Banquet, and, throwing down a glove, dared anyone +to mortal combat who disputed the rights of the Lord Mayor. +If no one accepted his challenge, he quaffed a flagon of sack to his +Lordship's health, and then cleverly and gracefully backed out of +the Hall. It is recorded that on one occasion his challenge was +accepted by a gallant Common Councilman who had been fulfilling +the important duties of Wine-taster, and who, when called upon to +name time and place for the deadly encounter, said, in the memorable +words of the great <span class="smcap">Alfred</span>, "Here and now!" which so +astonished the Champion that he pleaded sudden indisposition, and +withdrew. The custom has since been discontinued. The gallant +Common Councilman was made Deputy of the Ward of Port-soaken.</p> + +<p class="indent">In ancient times the <span class="smcap">Lord Mayor</span>, as every one knows, had a Fool +all to himself, and he was the only Fool permitted in the City. The +appointment was open to all by competitive examination. On the +occasion of a <span class="smcap">Lord Mayor</span> making a Fool of himself the office was +abolished by the Common Council from motives of economy. In +memory of this ancient privilege the <span class="smcap">Lord Mayor</span> once in the season +has a fool—a gooseberry fool—all to himself.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A NAPPY HOLIDAY.</h2> + +<div class="figright" style="width:15%;"> +<a href="images/228b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/228b.png" alt="" /></a> <p>Going Nap.</p> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><i>Any Time in August.</i>—Just been reading capital article in <i>Nineteenth +Century</i>, by Dr. <span class="smcap">James Muir Howie</span>, on the "Nerve Rest-Cure," +which says—"For those who cannot get a sufficient holiday, +the best substitute is an occasional day in +bed." Why not several days in bed? In +fact one's whole summer holiday? "Better +than climbing toilsome mountains," he remarks. +Quite so—and much better than +toilsome trip to Ramsgate with one's whole +family in tow. (Think of the Old Woman +who lived in a Shoe. <i>She</i> had all her +family in <i>toe</i>. Laugh feebly at my own +joke. Really my nerves must be <i>very</i> bad.) +Best feature of new holiday plan, however, +is its <i>cheapness</i>. Was quite at a loss how +to afford our annual trip till <span class="smcap">Howie</span> came +to rescue with his "(y)early to bed" cure. Announce to family +that I intend following Dr. <span class="smcap">Howie's</span> advice. Family seems too +stupefied to say anything.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Evening.</i>—Family has found its voice. Protests unanimously and +quite fiercely against new holiday plan. Wife "sure I can afford +trip to sea-side." If not, <i>where</i> does my money go to? Argument +forcible, but unpleasant.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>First Day.</i>—Holiday begins. Sleep till 11 <span class="smcap">A.M.</span> Scrumpshous! +Should have slept longer, but two hurdy-gurdies stop outside, playing +different airs. Not only murder the tunes, but "murder sleep" +as well. Listen for ten minutes—nerves terribly shaky. Oughtn't +to get out of bed, <span class="smcap">Howie</span> says, but must. See my eldest boy, <span class="smcap">Henry</span>, +giving Italian fiends money! What does this unwonted generosity +mean?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Afternoon.</i>—Dinner in bed not a success. Everything underdone. +Tell wife. She says, "Cook and servants in bad tempers; thought +we were all going to Ramsgate, and they would have rest." Rest +means clandestine kitchen parties. Feel angry—bad for nerves, but +can't help it. Sleep impossible, as bed full of crumbs. Wonder +<span class="smcap">Howie</span> didn't think of this. Send <span class="smcap">Henry</span> for evening paper—perhaps +it will soothe me.</p> + +<p class="indent">It doesn't. He brings back one three days old. Says shopman +gave it him! Send him again, and shop closed for night. Nerves +actually <i>worse than ever</i>.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Second Day.</i>—Had disturbed night, owing to lack of my usual +exercise yesterday. Still must stick to <span class="smcap">Howie's</span> prescription. Terrific +row in house. Wife comes up after breakfast (in tears) to say +children, deprived of sea-side trip, are ungovernable; pretend to be +buffaloes and Cowboys <i>in drawing-room</i>! Already two valuable +vases wrecked. Hang the children! Hang Colonel CODY too! Still +even paying for new vases cheaper than Ramsgate lodgings. Read +morning paper. Just dropping off to sleep over somebody's important +speech on Ireland, when——</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Three</i> hurdy-gurdies outside! Rush to window, open it, and bid +men avaunt. They won't avaunt. Say "they've been ordered to +come every morning for a month by the young gent." This must be +<span class="smcap">Henry's</span> "Plan of Campaign." Send for him, and find he has +prudently gone out. Nothing for it but to stuff cotton-wool into +ears till men go. Cotton-wool in ears for a whole hour <i>shatters</i> nerves.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Third Day.</i>—Much worse. Though I've given strict orders that +no letters or bills are to be sent up to my bed-room, find Tax-Collector's +little "Demand-Note" wrapped in fold of morning +paper! Annoyed. Perhaps, after all, <span class="smcap">Howie</span> wrong. Hullo! +what's that? Somebody on my window-sill! Burglars? No, +can't be. How bad all this is for my nerves. Spring up in time to +see <span class="smcap">Henry</span> disappearing down rope-ladder, which he and his brothers +have let down from roof. How horribly dangerous! Ring violently. +Hear heavy thud in garden. Talk of "Nerve Rest-Cure"—rest of +my nerves gone long ago, none left to be cured.</p> + +<p class="indent">Wife (in tears again—awfully bad for nerves this) says the thud +was not <span class="smcap">Henry</span> falling; boys have pulled down part of chimney, +which has smashed the front steps—that's all. She suggests that +perhaps, after all, this holiday plan in bed is not so good as——</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Five hurdy-gurdies</i> to-day! Maddening! Hired by <span class="smcap">Henry</span>, +wife says. Send <i>him</i> to bed for whole day; we'll see how he likes +"Rest-Cure" for <i>his</i> nerves. Get up gloomily, dress, and go downstairs. +Pitch <i>Nineteenth Century</i> into waste-paper basket. Feel +nerves better after it. Decide on Ramsgate, as usual, and so ends +my holiday in bed—my "Sleepy Hollow" day!</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will +in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule +there will be no exception.</p> +</blockquote> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="tnote"> + +<h2>Transcriber's Notes:</h2> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent">Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_.</p> + +<p class="indent">Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=.</p> + +<p class="indent">Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS.</p> + +<p class="indent">Throughout the document, the œ ligature was replaced with "oe".</p> + +<p class="indent">Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is.</p> + +<p class="indent">The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate.</p> + +<p class="indent">Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted.</p> +</div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +93, Nov. 11, 1887, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 39315-h.htm or 39315-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/3/1/39315/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, Nov. 11, 1887 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 31, 2012 [EBook #39315] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. +VOL. 93. +NOVEMBER 12, 1887. + + + THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. + + FROM A HOME-SICK SECRETARY. + + _By Guildford, Saturday._ + +[Illustration: D]EAR TOBY, + +I HOPE you will forgive my not being more precise as to my whereabouts. +The fact is if I can get away from London for a day or two without +leaving my address, I am only too glad to do so. I was at the Cabinet +Council on Thursday, afterwards ran down here, _et j'y reste_, at any +rate over Sunday. I am getting more and more tired of London, and the +office sardonically called "Home." It has never been a sweet +resting-place, and of late has grown absolutely intolerable. I used once +to have Sunday to myself; but now, owing to the new-born church-going +fervour of the Unemployed, Sunday is the worst day of the week. So when +opportunity offers, as just now, I cut the whole business and get me +into the sweet seclusion of Surrey. + +I see by the papers that I am about to resign office, and retire into +that private life, upon which during the past twelve months I have +looked back with increasing affection. Perhaps the statement is true, +and perhaps the Markiss would say it is "not authentic." We shall see. +In the mean time, at this distance from Parliament Street, I get the +advantage of perspective in regarding the office of Home Secretary. Down +here it seems odd enough that it should be so much hankered after by men +of various temperaments. H-NRY J-M-S wanted it at the time H-RC-RT +secured it. It had a strange fascination for L-WE, and I am disclosing +no secret when I mention that my old friend and patron, GR-ND-LPH, +fancies it would suit him down to the ground. I only wish he would try +it. If I were certain that he would come in, it might have some effect +in hastening my decision on the question of resignation. Of course +GR-ND-LPH and I remain on terms of friendliest regard. I am indebted to +him for a sudden promotion exceeding the hopes of the most sanguine +politician. Still, I would like to see him at the Home Office, if only +for a short six months. He is serenely confident he could grapple with +the situation. JOHNNY RUSSELL was quite a nervous, modest person, +compared with GR-ND-LPH. I should really like to see my old friend in my +old chair. + +The post, of course, has its attractions. It is no small thing to be +principal Secretary of State, with a seat in the Cabinet, and an +adequate salary. But, to tell the truth, dear TOBY, the Home Secretary +lives too near the People to have an uninterruptedly pleasant time. He +is too close to, and too frequently under, the public eye. It is like +working in a glass hive. A Foreign Secretary labours in secret in the +Samoan Islands, or some equally remote quarter, and months elapse before +the publication of the Blue Book places his labour under the criticism +of the public. The Secretary for the Colonies works under similar +conditions, whilst the First Lord of the Admiralty and the War +Secretary, except upon rare occasions, have only their respective +Services to deal with. + +But the Home Secretary is, necessarily, always at home to impertinent +lookers-in, or idle callers who have not sufficient business of their +own to attend to. If anything goes wrong with the water or the gas, if a +country Magistrate makes a more than usually particular ass of himself, +if a policeman arrests the wrong woman in Regent Street, if there is a +procession through the parks or a meeting in Trafalgar Square, it's ever +the Home Secretary that is wrathfully turned to for explanation. When +things go well with London or the Provinces, you never hear the Home +Secretary's name mentioned. The condition of affairs may be due to his +admirable administration, but there is no recognition of his agency. On +the other hand, if the least thing connected with his department goes +wrong, he is held personally responsible, and the fiendish newspapers +fall upon him. + +That is my experience after a little more than twelve months in office, +and if I am a little wearied of it who shall blame me? Why should I +remain the butt of all the captious critics throughout the country? I +have no hour, except these stolen ones, that I can call my own. All the +pleasures and recreations of private life are swallowed up in official +cares. Why should I longer submit to be engulfed in this state of +slavery? I am not in the absolute prime of youth; but still, as we +Statesmen go, I am not old. For example, I have seen but two summers +more than that elderly young beau, H-NRY J-M-S. Someone once said of me, +that for my recorded age, I had the youngest-looking body in the House +of Commons. That is a subtle distinction, the value of which I cannot +grasp. I know that I have been a buck in my time, and if I only get my +time to myself once more, I may again become as ornamental as I am now +useful. I will think it over, and probably in the course of the next few +weeks you may hear what resolution I have taken. + + Yours faithfully, H-NRY M-TTH-WS. + + * * * * * + + A BLACK AFFAIR AT HAYTI. + +The Foreign Office, whether represented by Lord SALISBURY or Lord +ROSEBERY,--two "berries," so that we are to judge of the worth of our +Foreign Office by its berries, not by its fruits,--ought to be hauled +over the coals--the victim's name being suggestive of this process--by +the British Public. Mr. COLES was innocent of the charge brought against +him, was convicted in the face of evidence; and as there was no one to +screen COLES, poor COLES--COLES down again!--was shovelled into a black +hole, which was, _pro. tem._, a COLES cellar. After sixteen months of +Haytian bonds, and being kept in durance by Haytian Black Guards, the +energy of the British F. O. obtained for the unfortunate prisoner a free +pardon! But no further redress, except the offer of L500, which COLES +couldn't be "cokes'd" into accepting. Now this matter of Hayti and COLES +is a very black affair. What is going to be done? Do we leave COLES and +scuttle? Surely so gross a wrong perpetrated in Hayti ought to have been +put right in Hayti-seven. + + * * * * * + +THE MOST LITIGIOUS PERSON ON RECORD.--The man who had all his +invitations properly stamped at Somerset House, and then brought an +action against his hosts for breach of agreement if a dinner happened to +be put off. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MUMPSIMUS!"] + +Reminiscence of a celebrated and highly popular picture, adapted to the +painful circumstance announced last week by _Truth_; namely, that the +Chorister Boys at a certain Cathedral have all got the Mumps. + + * * * * * + + HIS FIRST APPEARANCE AT THE CAFE DES AMBASSADEURS. + +[Illustration: OWEN MEREDITH, _ALIAS_ LORD LYTTON, TRANSLATED INTO +FRENCH. + +_Lord L-tt-n sings_:--] + + _Love's Metamorphoses_ I sang of late, + "My Unglenaverilled Glenaveril" + Puzzled the Public's unpoetic pate. + Wit, like my sire's imaginary _Vril_, + Is thaumaturgic. I have served the State + In various ways with elegance and skill; + But _my_ "last Metamorphosis," I opine, + Out of Glenaveril's wholly takes the shine. + + From "OWEN MEREDITH," of Servian song, + Translator (who said through the French?) to this! + The course, like my Serb falcon's flight, is long. + The proletariat possibly may hiss. + I scorn the anserine Gladstonian throng, + Whose mouthpiece is the _Gaily Dews_. I wis + That nickname shows a polish and a fire + Of wit well worthy my prodigious Sire. + + When I wrote _Aux Italiens_ long ago + (And _Trovatore_ rhymed with purgatory) + I little thought Paris one day should know + The bard in an Ambassador's full glory. + Ah! I shall miss the Oriental show + Of Ind--but that is scarce a pleasant story, + And, after all, I fancy that my _Charis_ + Had always, more or less, a touch of Paris. + + "_Lucile_," for instance! Well, I've wandered far + From my old _Wanderer_ days; _tout mieux_, perchance. + Better to be a diplomatic star + Than a poetic shade. Beloved France, + To ape thy _jeunesse doree_ will not jar + Upon my spirit, which is all romance: + I love the blend of the sublime and finical, + Of chivalry, choice cookery, and the cynical. + + CHAMBERLAIN--_did_ I dub him once a scold, + A leaner, later _Casca_? I was wrong-- + Is off to Canada, and BALBO bold + (I called him bilious once, but 'twas in song) + Is with us now, I hope the league may hold. + Who now dubs JOSEPH--though of course he's strong-- + "The secret despot of a Cabinet, + That dare not disregard his faintest threat?" + + Forgive the thought, _Caecilius_! Whether JOE + _Has_ put his foot in it, and bowed still more + Your "large Olympian forehead," I don't know; + But I can see that it must be a bore + To have your diplomats run wild. I go + With other purpose to a nearer shore; + And soon I hope your confidence to win, + And prove no ass, though in the LYONS' skin! + + * * * * * + +The "Wild West" finished up rather tamely. Lord LORNE and others, with, +we presume, the Honourable BUFFALO BILL CODY, palavered about an +International Arbitration Court. If the Hon. and Rev. BILL--"Reverend" +because, as he tells us, he once performed the part of a clergyman and +married a couple, pronouncing a formula which, being a close parody on +the words of the solemn rite, need not be repeated here, though they +evidently struck him as a bright idea,--has anything to do with it, we +shall hear of the rules of this new Court (not Earl's Court) being at +once codi-fied. + + * * * * * + +RESTITUTION WITH RESIGNATION.--M. WILSON gave up 40,000 francs' worth of +postage. Will M. GREVY give up the post altogether? + + * * * + +ANOTHER MOTTO FOR AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS.--He does not say, "Peace with +Honour," but "Piece with MERRITT." + + * * * + +"THE ROUGH ELEMENT"--last week, was--the Sea. + + * * * * * + + Jenny Lind. + +_Born at Stockholm, October 6, 1821. Married Herr Otto Goldschmidt, +February 5, 1852. Died, November 2, 1887._ + + "She never lost her interest in the two chief objects of her + life, music and charity."--_Times._ + + Music and Charity! Of all things mortal, + What sweeteners of our lives may match these twain? + What draweth hearts nearer the heavenly portal + Than mercy's impulse, melody's moving strain? + Well chosen, singer sweet! + Great gifts, and the large love of giving meet, + Well harmonised in JENNY LIND'S career; + These made her life delight, these make her memory dear. + + _Punch_, of well-fitting phrases ready minter, + Christened his favourite forty years ago; + Hailed as "The Nightingale that Sings in Winter,"[A] + The Swedish songstress whom the voice of woe + Moved ever, as her own + Moved the applauding multitude; alone, + Amidst the stars of Opera's tuneful quire, + To succour ever prompt as potent to inspire! + + "Dear JENNY LIND!" So then his song addressed her + Who still is "JENNY LIND," and still is dear. + Though Genius praised, and Fashion's crowd caressed her, + She sank not, like some stars, below her sphere + Into those darkening mists + Whose taint the true and tender heart resists. + Her nature fame was powerless to soil, + Whom splendour hardened not, and puffery could not spoil. + + How the crowd rushed and crushed, and cheered and clamoured, + Forty years syne, to hang upon her song! + Of _La Sonnambula's_ heroine enamoured, + Thrilled by the flute-like trillings sweet as strong + Of their dear Nightingale. + _Amina_, _Lucia_, _Alice_, each they'd hail + With fervent plaudits, in whose flush and stir + Love of her silvery song was blent with love of her. + + And each well earned! The crowd would press and jostle + To hear their favourite warbler, from whose throat, + Clear as the lark, and mellow as the throstle, + The limpid melody would soar and float. + Now like a shattered lute, + The Nightingale who sang in winter's mute; + But long remembered that pure life shall be, + To Music dedicate and vowed to Charity. + + [A] See _Punch_, Vol. XVI., p. 15. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE LABOUR MARKET." + +_First East Countryman._ "SHALL YEAOU VOOTE FOR THE DIS'TABLISHMENT O' +TH' CHU'CH?" + +_Second Ditto (firmly)._ "No; thar I 'on't, Bo'! Work's scass enow as +'T IS--BUT IF WE WAS TO HEV ALL THEM PARSONS TU'NNED OUT, AN' GOIN' +'BOUT PLOUGHIN', AN' HEDGIN', AN' MOWIN', AN' HARVESTIN', WE SHOULD BE +WUSS OFF THAN WE ARE NOW!"] + + * * * * * + + "THE BEARING OF IT LIES IN THE APPLICATION." + +"Spare no efforts to maintain the magnificent inheritance which has +descended from your forefathers," said Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, when bidding a +temporary good-bye to Birmingham. + +Well, it is a magnificent inheritance, and most certainly it is our +duty, as well as our interest, to maintain it. But how? Magnificent as +it is, it has certain incumbrances; memories of wrongs unredressed, +actualities of mismanagement unremoved. To maintain _these_ is not to +improve the inheritance, and enable us to hand it down better worth +maintaining by those who will inherit it from us. As stewards of the +splendid patrimony of empire, we must not only keep it together, but +properly--that is, justly and sagaciously--administer it, which, indeed, +is the only sure and safe way of maintaining it. The accumulated +mortgage of our ancestors' errors and misdeeds is, unfortunately, but +inevitably, a part of our "inheritance." To pay it off may seem a +burdensome duty, but a duty it is, in the resolute doing, not the +haughty ignoring or cowardly shirking, of which we shall be at least as +truly "maintaining our inheritance," as by stroke of sword, or statute +of coercion. _Verb. sap_. + + * * * * * + +We see a book advertised by Messrs. KEGAN, PAUL & CO., called _Tertium +Quid_. Ask an Eton Boy, about Christmas time, or when he is going back +to school, what is the translation of _Tertium Quid_, and he will +probably hold out his hand and reply, "The third sovereign--but I'll +take one to go on with, or to go off with." Well, you can "owe him one" +for that. + + * * * + +WHAT'S IN A NAME?--The person who ought to write a weird Christmas story +is, evidently, the Author of _Bootles' Baby, That Imp!_ &c., JOHN +STRANGE WINTER. + + * * * + +MOTTO FOR THE NEW LORD MAYOR.--"_Aut Keyser aut nullus._" + + * * * * * + + THE FISHERS. + (_Some way after Kingsley._) + + The Fishers went sailing North, South, East, and West, + And they raised lots of rows ere the sun went down. + Each fancied the foreigners' waters the best, + And wished in those waters to let his nets down. + And Commissions must work and Statesmen must weep, + And weary with trying the peace for to keep, + Whilst the Public heart is groaning. + + The Smack-owners rush to Lord SALISBURY'S side, + And genial JOSEPH'S to Canada gone; + And the end of this selfishness, temper, and pride, + Will be a great big all-round fight ere all's done, + Unless men will try their hot tempers to keep, + And establish some rule of fair-play on the deep, + For which honest hearts are all moaning. + + * * * * * + +POLITICAL SEPULTURE.--The Senior Member for Northampton lately told his +constituents that:-- + + "The Conservatives were digging their own graves, and it was + about the only good and sensible thing they possibly could do." + +But if they wanted an interment, the Home-Rulers could supply them with +a SEXTON ready and willing to save them that trouble. + + * * * + +"THE SCARCITY OF HARES."--It is so stated. But it's only a bald +statement. + + * * * + +LETTS' DIARIES.--There are two sorts of Letts: The Out-Letts for 1887, +and the In-Letts for 1888. Letts get 'em. + + * * * * * + + SHOWS VIEWS. + + _By Victor Who-goes-Everywhere._ + +[Illustration] + +Last week was remarkable for a number of _Matinees_. There were two, +each with a new Play, at the Vaudeville, in preparation apparently for +the disappearance of _Sophia_. The Author of one of the pieces was, I +fancy, Mr. JONES (the name fixed itself on my memory), but I am not +quite so sure about the others. I rather think the first play was +written in collaboration possibly by Messrs. BROWN and ROBINSON to +complete the immortal _trio_. However, the morning performance _par +excellence_, was the production of a new and original poetical drama in +five Acts, called _Nitrocris_, by GEO. GRAVES, at Drury Lane. This was +really a very interesting occasion, as we were taken back to B.C. 1420, +and I must admit that I too was rather taken aback when I found the +Early Egyptians talking of the "Pharmacopoeia," and many other matters +of a yet more recent date. I supposed this was local colouring, and when +I saw the "Banquetting Hall in the Palace," I felt sure that the +Egyptian Court represented belonged to the Nineteenth Century, and could +be easily discovered (either by season ticket or on payment of a +shilling) in Sydenham. The Author supplies a note in the official +programme, in which she informs the World that AMUN-MYKERA NITOCRIS was +"handsome among women, and brave among men, and governed for her husband +with great splendour and much justice, though she is rebuked by several +of the ancient historians for her cruelty and sensuality," and no doubt +these facts have suggested the five long Acts of the more or less +poetical play. What story there is shows how the adopted son of and +apprentice to an Embalmer, after being left to die in the Palace of +_Nitocris_ for refusing to join in an unpatriotic toast, escapes, and +twelve weeks later is lured back once more to the Royal realms to reject +the suddenly-kindled love of the Egyptian Queen in favour of the +affection of a Grecian orphan called _Soris_, who happens to be staying +on a visit with her swarthy Majesty. Then _Soris_ gets half-poisoned and +entirely stabbed, and _Nitocris_ and the Embalmer's Apprentice repair to +a "stretch of desert in the neighbourhood of the Pyramids," to be +drowned in an inundation which is much talked about but never seen. As +the Embalmer's Apprentice, Mr. J. H. BARNES fostered the impression that +he was either a very slow and dull pupil, or that the art of embalming +had taken him a middle-aged lifetime to thoroughly acquire. In the last +act he looked like a portly Friar of Orders Grey sadly in need of the +fast rising Nile. Mr. ROBERT PATEMAN was good as a nigger _Quasimodo_, +who apparently had nothing in particular to do save to murder Miss ALMA +MURRAY when that popular young _tragedienne's_ sorrows became monotonous +and required curtailment in the interests of the audience. Mr. FERNANDEZ +too was useful as Chief of the Magi, and Mr. BERNARD GOULD'S performance +would have been more pleasing had he really died at the end of the +Second Act, instead of living to see the final fall of the curtain. But +this last was rather the Author's than the actor's fault. Personally I +should have been better satisfied had every one died at the end of the +First Act, but I confess I am a little exacting. On Wednesday, after the +"principals" had been called and received more or less applause, there +was a cry for the Authoress, when to my surprise a lady in a +semi-masculine costume and seemingly in her "teens," made her way before +the curtain. This was young "CLO,"--a most charming person to judge from +her personal appearance. There was a further "call" when a gentleman of +much maturer years was seen bowing. I do not know if he was also a +"CLO,"--if so, he was unquestionably a much older "CLO"--in fact, quite +an elderly "CLO." Ages ago a wonderful piece called _Nitocris_ was +played at Drury Lane for a few nights with moderate success. In it was +represented an inundation, that, if it did not precisely resemble the +waters of the rising Nile, at any rate was a capital realisation of +green-coloured muslin sprinkled with spangles. I am afraid that young +"CLO'S" poetical play will not keep the stage much longer than its +predecessor. + +[Illustration: Full in Front.] + +It was my good fortune to be present at the opening of the Manchester +Exhibition (which _Mr. Punch_ very appropriately christened the "Gem of +the Jubilee,") and on Thursday last I again paid it a visit with about +sixty-five thousand other persons. In spite of the hurricane of the +preceding Monday, the building was in an excellent condition, and the +reproduction of the old part of the ancient city had weathered the storm +as if it had been intended to remain for a thousand years instead of +half-a-dozen months. I was much struck with the extreme good-nature of a +Lancashire crowd. In the afternoon a severe shower of rain, which I +fancy must have come down from Town by the 10.10 Express from Euston (a +train which maintained the tradition of the L. & N. W. R. by arriving to +the minute) drove all the pleasure-seekers from the grounds into the +building, and for a moment there was an "ugly block." Immediately the +police and the other officials organised a stream right and left, and +when it was found that there were many schools amongst the sight-seers, +a cry of "Make way for the children!" secured the safety of the little +ones. The picture galleries were as popular as ever, and I observed that +the crowd generally gathered in dense masses near the paintings with +historical events as their subjects. The arrival of the Princess of +WALES at Gravesend was particularly favoured, and some regret was +expressed that the Benchers of the Middle Temple had required the return +of the portrait by HOLL of their Royal Treasurer. The splendid display +of the works of Mr. WATTS did not attract much attention, one lady +observing that it was "a pity that they had not been finished," and +their opposite neighbours by Mr. BURNE-JONES, were also a little above +the heads (in more senses than one) of the average shilling public. But +LANDSEER, MILLAIS, POYNTER and HOLMAN HUNT had thousands of earnest +admirers, and there were always enthusiastic groups in front of "_The +Derby Day_" and "_Ramsgate Sands_." It was delightful to walk through +the galleries devoted to this unique, this magnificent collection of +purely native Art, only saddened by the reflection that such an +opportunity would never offer itself again. The machinery, from another +point of view, was nearly as interesting. I have been present at many +Exhibitions, but have never seen anything to equal the display of "works +in operation." Both visitors and "hands" seemed to be equally in +earnest; the first to watch, and the second to work. Then the music was +excellent, as, indeed, it was obliged to be to satisfy the requirements +of Manchester connoisseurs, who are not to be put off with second-rate +bands. Lastly, the illuminated fountains were absolutely fairy-like with +their colours reflected from below the water-line. And this reminds me +there was also something else fairy-like--the _table d'hote_ dinner +served in the Conservatory, which seemed (with its many courses, of the +daintiest proportions) to be exactly suited to the wants of _Titania_ +and (if he took the hint printed on the menu, and "requiring extra +quantities of any of the dishes," asked for more) of the robuster +_Oberon_. The captious might certainly have objected that the dessert +would have been more satisfactory had nut-crackers been supplied with +the walnuts. I asked for a pair, but was told by my waiter that he could +get me none. No doubt this little defect will be remedied when the +contractor fulfils his intention of catering next year at the Brussels +Exhibition. But this is a detail. For the rest, the Manchester +celebration of the Fiftieth Year of Her Majesty's reign has been worthy +of the occasion; and my second visit has fully confirmed the opinion +(that was expressed in May last) that the leading town of Lancashire has +produced the Gem of the Jubilee. + + * * * * * + + JAW-HOLDING. + +[Illustration: Hold your Jaw!] + +At the dinner of the Nottingham Mechanics' Institution, the other night, +Mr. PHELPS, the American Minister, advocated the establishment of a +Professorship of Silence in schools and colleges. Good! There is too +much latitude given to jabberers and chatterers in the present day. +Politicians do nothing but prate, and the talking man nowadays has taken +the place of the working man. We might begin our reform in the House of +Commons. The Sergeant-at-Arms might appoint a beadle to bridle the +tongues of the everlasting talkers, and an official with a large +extinguisher should make them harmless after they had bored the House +for five minutes. + + * * * * * + +TO SEVERAL CORRESPONDENTS.--"Fox the Quaker." It is not true that the +birthday of this excellent man is celebrated in his native place by an +annual "meet." Fox was occasionally hunted, but though a Quaker, it is +not on record that he ever quaked. Our Correspondents' mistake arises +probably from Fox having been a man of _pax_. But in this case his +memory would be honoured by all card-players. + + * * * * * + + OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +There is no better form of book, providing always the print be clear and +distinct, than the volume which is adapted practically in price and size +to the pocket. One man's pocket is more capacious than another's, as one +man's purse is longer than another's, and the latter can purchase a +volume more expensively got up than the small, useful, charming +travelling companions that _Mr. Punch_ has at this moment actually in +view while others are in his mind's eye, Horatio. _The Handy-Volume +Shakspeare_ (BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO.), which in every way is the model of +a pocket-volume, the model _par excellence_, is a member of a family all +in one case, a perfect Christmas present. But if one volume is lost, the +set is spoilt, and the missing book cannot, in the ordinary course of +bookselling nature, be replaced. Consequently only a very careful and +methodical person can venture upon travelling about with one of these +volumes as his pocket-companion. A little Shakespeare is a dangerous +thing. And this is why the small books belonging to _Cassell's National +Library,_ price threepence apiece, ought to find favour in the eyes of +those who can read in a cab, in a coach, in a train, or even walking. As +to a man running and reading the thing's almost impossible, and whoever +saw a man on horseback reading a book, except in an old print of _Doctor +Syntax_? As the snail carries his shell about with him, so every +Englishman can carry his own _Cassell_, and get rid of it too--which is +more than the snail can--and can lose it--and can replace it for the +small sum of threepence, or if secondhand (for being in limp covers they +soon become "secondhand" in appearance) for considerably less. With a +volume from this library carried always in the tail-pocket of his +coat--the very place to carry a short tale--no one need ever be idle, +and every spare moment, as long as he is wearing the coat, can be well +occupied. These bits of books are our modern _Curiosities of +Literature_. + +[Illustration: Handy Vols.] + +Nor must we forget the DICKENS series of Messrs. ROUTLEDGE, who have +just brought out a dainty little edition of the _Cricket on the Hearth_. +This is a lasting work got up in a lasting manner. And so whether the +tale be long, or short, pointed or not, every man for a small sum, in +some instances a very small sum, can be his own talebearer: only the +tale isn't his, it is somebody else's, but his by purchase. + +Among the handiest of handy books must be included the Pocket Diaries +for 1888, numbered, respectively, one, two, three,--of which No. 3 is +"A1,"--brought out by JOHN WALKER & CO. of Farringdon House, and +admirably adapted to all walkers, who can now bring them out for +themselves every day in the new year. One novelty there is in WALKER & +CO.'S division of pages, and this is that two are set apart for +"Addresses"--not political ones, of course--and two others for +"Visits"--(such an idea could only have struck a Walker who wanted an +object for his walk)--these being subdivided into columns headed +"_Name_," "_Reception Day_," "_Visit Received_," "_Visit Returned_," +which in itself is quite a little manual, or _Walker's Dictionary_, of +politeness. To "Cash" is devoted a great deal too much space; but, of +course, if there is sufficient cash to fill it, so much the better. If +we might suggest a "rider" to WALKER, it would be that, as many persons, +who pay nothing else, are often most assiduous in "paying their +addresses" and in "paying visits," an equal space might be given to +business as represented by "Cash," and to pleasure as represented by the +two other items. The pencil is a triumph of ingenuity, and the binding +of No. 3 proves the truth of the old adage, that there is nothing like +leather, specially when the leather is Russian. + + * * * * * + +HUMILITY.--The _Pall Mall Gazette_, in its account of the consecration +of Truro Cathedral, stated how-- + + "The Archbishop of CANTERBURY and the Bishop of TRURO received + the Prince of WALES at the Phillpotts porch, and conducted His + Royal Highness to a footstool placed for him in the choir. Every + available inch of space was crowded." + +Poor Royal Highness! only a "footstool" to sit upon. He was His Royal +Lowness on this occasion. If, however, for "footstool" we read +"faldstool," His Royal Highness's apparently uncomfortable position +becomes intelligible. + + * * * * * + + MORE REALISM. + + DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +[Illustration] + +Will you not help us to make a stand even now against the encroachments +of realism in the pronunciation of Latin? My evening paper has been full +of it lately. Why, Sir, it is well known that the Britons understood the +Romans, and the Romans the Britons, and if the Romans had said their +repetition in the absurd foreign fashion that a few modern-side pedants +advocate, is it likely that the Britons would have understood them, much +less that they would have had so much respect for them as to admit their +garrisons, and their Mayors, and their Corporations, and what not for +four or five hundred years? And if our early ancestors had spoken Latin +in this eminently unmanly un-English fashion, why should we naturally +and instinctively pronounce it in our own way now, as if there were no +natural piety linking the chapters of our rough island story together? + +The Cambridge Augustan Johnnies (Dr. SANDYS at least, being a Johnian, +may excuse the term) set great store upon the fact that all over the +Continent the language is pronounced in the foreign manner. Why, Sir, it +is well known that the Norse tongue in Iceland, being icerlated, has +remained nearly unchanged since its introduction in the ninth century. +And England is an island; therefore the Latin tongue, introduced by the +Roman colonists, must have remained unchanged also. For my own part, I +own I have no patience with this degradation of the hallowed traditions +of our school-days to the level of languages which can be got up in +_Ollendorff_ and fluently pattered by couriers and waiters. "Wenny, +weedy, weaky." Good gracious! Is that the language of a conquering, +masterful race? The matter does not admit of serious argument. + + Yours, wondering what next, ONE OF THE OLD SCHOOL. + + * * * * * + +THE LAST OF THE GO-HE-CANS.--The _Times_ for November 1, in giving a +list of the Masters of Foxhounds, mentioned the Rev. E. M. REYNOLDS as +"the only clergyman who can append M.F.H. to his name." Of course this +does not mean that no other clergyman "can" do so, or the Clergy would +indeed be an uneducated set, but that the Rev. E. M. REYNOLDS is the +only successor of the Rev. JACK RUSSELL who has the right to append +M.F.H. to his name. How often does his pack meet? Is it _Reynolds's +Weekly_? If the hounds are a trifle mixed, it may be known as +_Reynolds's Miscellany_. + + * * * + +Captain STOKES, who peremptorily ordered Mr. O'BRIEN off to prison, +seems to be the sort of a man that CHARLES DICKENS described as a +"Harbitrary Gent." Quite a despotic Turk. As the Nationalists call the +Castle Officials "Bashi-Bazouks," let them allude to the gallant Captain +and Magistrate as "STOKES BEY." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: International Punch.] + +INTERNATIONAL ARBITRATION.--Should difficulties ever arrive at this +peaceable solution--(so likely!--ahem!--but always a Bright Dream)--then +there could not be a name of better omen for a representative of British +Interests than "LYON PLAYFAIR." + + * * * + +Trafalgar Square may be "the finest site in the world," but the Mob in +it isn't. + + * * * * * + + A ROW IN THE GALLERY. + +What does it all mean? "Pitch 'em over!" cries Sir COUTTS-LINDSAY of his +"salaried assistants," and perhaps Sir COUTTS would like to pitch +Messrs. COMYNS CARR and C. E. HALLE all over, and make them come out +uncommonly black after the process. But apparently the "salaried +assistants" have thrown over their munificent patron of the Arts, and +turned themselves out. But this is "no new thing," for whenever we have +had the pleasure of meeting Mr. CARR or Mr. HALLE, they have always been +uncommonly well turned out, and not a speck on either of them. Evidently +the CARR has been upset, and HALLE has walked off, showing himself a +"Halle Sloper." The two "salaried assistants" will not go to swell the +ranks of the "Unemployed," and, in order to prevent the re-entrance of +the "salaried assistants," Sir COUTTS now keeps guard at the Gallery +door, armed with a Pike. + + * * * * * + +SUMMARY OF THE ENDACOTT-CASS AFFAIR.--A Miss-take. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HAVING A GOOD TIME. + +_Mamma._ "IT'S VERY LATE, EMILY. HAS ANYBODY TAKEN YOU DOWN TO SUPPER?" + +_Fair Debutante (who has a fine healthy appetite)._ "OH YES, +MAMMA--SEVERAL PEOPLE!"] + + * * * * * + + ALL THE DIFFERENCE. + + No, no! A natural alarm, but needless! + 'Tis true subversive dolts in these sad times + Do call on you to flourish and to feed less, + And hint that pomp and turtle soup are crimes. + The sour fanatics! + Scribblers who'd set the world straight from their attics. + But they will never dare--the dastards, No!-- + To stop the Lord Mayor's Show. + + Your fright, my Lord, 's a pardonable error. + The Proclamation can't apply to you. + No one, I'm sure, can take you for a Terror, + Red, white, or any other tint or hue. + Are you "disorderly"? + No; you within legality's trim-kept border lie; + From touching you even almighty Law + Would shrink with utter awe. + + True you "perambulate the streets." What noddy + Objects? You do not "break into a run," + And as to "terrorising" anybody, + No one could hint at that, except in fun. + "Hooting and yelling" + Are not your vocal habits. WARREN'S belling + The Cat of Anarchy; he'll tell you that. + You are not quite that Cat. + + It's claws are showing, and they may want clipping, + And shindy in the streets is just a pest; + But Law, though lately once or twice found tripping, + Won't interfere with the calm Civic nest. + MATTHEWS seems heedless, + And "shoves his oar in" in a style most needless; + But even he would hardly raise his clutch + The sacred Ninth to touch. + + No, a good rule may have a good exception. + You're popular, pass on! Rowdies and raff + Need raps. Let him in civism adept, shun + The spouter's bawling, and the Bobby's staff. + Mad mobs in Town + Are a vile nuisance that must be put down; + But you're not a "Procession," don't you know,-- + _You_ are--a "Show"! + + * * * * * + + "CHARLES OUR FRIEND." + +Bravo, Sir CHARLES WARREN! The roughs may consider you a Rabid Warren, +but what does that matter to you, or to us, or to any lover of order, +peace, and quietness in this vast Metropolis? You're not a weasel to be +caught napping, and your recent Proclamation is admirable, if its +provisions be only justly and exactly carried out. Your arrangements +too--talking of provisions--for housing the houseless, seem to be +remarkably judicious. _Mr. Punch_ trusts that the Processions which you +mention, and "the wandering bands perambulating the streets," which you +are going to consider as disorderly, will be taken to include those +disturbers of our Sunday Quiet, calling themselves Members of the +Salvation Army, who, it is to be hoped, in every district wherever their +presence is not welcome to a majority of the respectable residents, will +be summarily dispersed and their noise stopped. On working days let +perambulating bands come out for air and exercise, only let them take +care that their "air" be always in tune. That schools and clubs should +have their bands is an excellent thing. But there are six days in the +week for noise, and the Salvationists can let us have our Sunday in +peace. _Mr. Punch_ is all for freedom of speech, and so he speaks out +freely. He is all for the liberty of the subject, but the subject must +remember that he is a subject, and _Mr. Punch_ takes the liberty to +remind him of it. At the meeting of real working men of business to +protest against these meetings in Trafalgar Square, Mr. FREDERICK GORDON +spoke up for his Metropole-itan interests in Grand style. The HOME +SECRETARY, it is to be hoped, carefully pondered the speeches of these +practical gentlemen. Mr. ATTENBOROUGH, too,--"O, my prophetic soul, my +uncle!"--gave distinct evidence of the injury done to trade in and about +Trafalgar Square. The Rev. Mr. KITTO moved a resolution, and Mr. +BIDDULPH seconded it, + + Saying ditto + To Mr. KITTO. + +And _Mr. Punch_ once more expresses his hope that the first Act of next +Session will be one to regulate meetings and processions in and about +London, whereby orderly citizens may enjoy their rights undisturbed. +Trafalgar Square and all our great thoroughfares should be "proclaimed +districts," as regards the loafers, roughs, and rowdies whose object is +plunder, and whose end is--or, at least, should be--punishment. + + =Punch.= + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALL THE DIFFERENCE. + +LORD MAYOR. "EH!--WHAT!--PROCESSIONS!--WHY----" + +SIR C. WARREN. "OH, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, MY LORD,--YOU'RE NOT A +'PROCESSION'--YOU'RE A 'SHOW.' _YOU_ WON'T 'TERRORISE THE +INHABITANTS'!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NOBLESSE OBLIGE." + +_Old Friend._ "HULLO, DICK! HOW ARE YOU? I WISH YOU'D COME AND DINE WITH +ME TO-NIGHT. BUT NOW YOU'RE A LORD, I SUPPOSE I MUSTN'T CALL YOU DICK +ANY LONGER, OR EVEN ASK YOU TO DINNER?" + +_Noble Earl (who has just come into his Title)._ "LORD BE BLOWED! LEND +ME A FIVER, AND YOU MAY CALL ME WHAT YOU LIKE--AND I'LL DINE WITH YOU +INTO THE BARGAIN!"] + + * * * * * + + SCARLETINA AT TRURO. + +The aesthetic Archbishop BENSON has an eye for colour. At Truro, the +_Times_ report says, "he wore his scarlet robe and train, which, as he +moved from place to place in the Cathedral"--very restless of him, by +the way--"was upborne by two little acolytes clad in scarlet cassocks +and dainty surplices of lawn, and wearing tiny scarlet caps upon their +heads." The Archbishop is the big scarlet, and the tiny acolytes might +be called the scarletini. And to think that years ago this sudden +outbreak of archiepiscopal brilliancy would have been inveighed against +as trifling with the "Scarlet Lady." H.R.H. made an excellent speech on +the occasion, and, with the effect of colour still in his memory, he +could not resist reminding the aesthetic Dr. BENSON that "seven years and +a half ago"--nothing like being exact--"he (H.R.H.) was enabled to lay +the foundation stone of this Cathedral with Masonic honours." +"Archbishop in scarlet, forsooth! scarlet tiny acolytes!" (such was +evidently the rebuke conveyed in H.R.H.'s speech)--"you should just see +Me as Most Worshipful Grand Master, with my Wardens, Deacons, Chaplains, +and Tylers! Why, in comparison with that blaze of splendour, you and +your scarlet are nowhere. However, Ladies and Gentlemen, I came here on +this occasion, not 'to oblige BENSON,' but to visit this ancient Duchy +in my popular character of Duke of CORNWALL. _Au revoir._" + + * * * * * + +Monsignor PERSICO, _Truth_ says, stayed with Archbishop CROKE, and dined +with the witty and popular Father JAMES HEALY, P.P. of Little Bray. +Well, Monsignor PERSICO must have heard a great deal of croke-ing, but +let us hope he has got some remedies for healy-ing the wounds of the +distressful country from _Mr. Punch's_ good friend, Father JAMES, of +Little Bray, and precious little bray about him. + + * * * * * + + A MYSTERIOUS PAPER. + +The near approach of Christmas, with its fireside stories, has suggested +the following list of questions for examination that may be put to +himself by any intending _raconteur_. As he may be sure that if he can +tackle them satisfactorily he will be able effectually to enchain any +family circle he may come across during the coming festive season, he +may be safely recommended to go at them in all confidence:-- + +1. What is a "spook"? Have you ever met one in society? Define +"telepathy." Can you send a "telepathigram"? If so, do you think it +would cost more than a halfpenny a word? + +2. Write a short biographical notice of Messrs. MYERS AND GURNEY. State +which of the two you would rather be, and give, if you can, your reasons +for your answer. + +3. Furnish a brief abstract, that must not exceed 300 pages, of their +joint work, _Phantasms of the Living_. What would be the present price +of the two volumes on MUDIE'S Second-hand List? + +4. A certain Mr. BROWN knew a Captain JONES, who knew a Major ROBINSON, +who one night sitting at Mess at a hill-station in the Central Provinces +of India, thought he saw a figure on the verandah and felt a sudden dig +in the side as if somebody had pushed him with his elbow. He had been +mixing his wines rather freely, but turning to his neighbour, he said, +"I am almost sure something has happened to my Uncle JAMES." He +subsequently wrote a dozen letters to England on the subject, but could +never get any answer; and to this day, though his Uncle JAMES is known +to be alive and quite well, the matter remains a mystery. To what class +of "inconsequent warnings" could you refer this experience? + +5. At Bansbury House, Buckinghamshire, a phantom omnibus full inside and +out of headless passengers, drives three times round the central +grass-plot on the eve of the day on which the heir orders a new +dress-coat. Account for this, if you can, and compare it with the +reported apparition of the famous luminous elephant said to be visible +to the Lairds of Glenhuish whenever the amount of their butcher's-book +reaches the sum of L20. + +6. Detail the circumstances that are said to explain the curious conduct +of the celebrated little old man in the bagwig and faded blue velvet +coat, that haunts the principal guest bedchamber at Tokenhouse Manor. To +what is he supposed to refer when after mournfully shaking his head +three times he says, "It's the mustard that did it!" Examine this, and +give some reasons to account for the fact that he invariably disappears +in the linen cupboard. + +7. Give the various popular versions of the secret which imparted at +Rheums Castle to (1) the heir, on his attaining his majority, (2) the +family butler, and (3) a select circle of intimate friends who may have +chanced to attend on the occasion regarding the matter as an excellent +joke, instantly turns their hair white, causes them to look thirty years +older, and makes them talk in whispers, and wear an expression of +melancholy terror for the rest of their lives. + +8. The hall of a well-known modern villa at Brixton is haunted by the +spectre of a coal-heaver, who carries his head under his arm; and, +whenever it is opened, he is visible on the mat, just inside the front +door. Tradesmen, therefore, calling with their accounts, rush away, +terror-stricken, without waiting for payment, and visitors coming to +five o'clock tea are carried off in violent hysterics to the nearest +chemist's. As the landlord cannot induce any bailiffs to cross the +threshold, the tenant who is, notwithstanding their ghastly condition, +quite cheerful on the premises, is several quarters in arrear with his +rent. State, under the circumstances, what proceedings, if any, you +would take to "lay" the ghost. + +9. It is well known that the celebrated gallery at Bingham Place, +Somersetshire, is haunted, after midnight, by the apparition of a knight +in full armour, who heralds his approach by the clanking of chains and +cannon-balls, and who, after flinging about the boots and hot-water cans +standing at the doors of the various guest-chambers, tumbles +head-over-heels down-stairs, shrieking the refrain of a thirteenth +century hunting-chorus, and having thoroughly awakened everybody +sleeping on the premises, finally disappears with a loud unearthly wail, +in the butler's pantry. State what you think would be the probable +result of waiting for the appearance of this spectre, and then suddenly +hitting it hard over the knees with a cricket-bat. + +10. Give the story of the well-known "haunted house" in Belgrave Square. +How would the unconscious tenant who had taken it furnished be likely to +account for the punctual appearance, at half-past nine every evening, +among his guests in the back drawing-room, of the eyeless baronet, in a +dressing-gown, dragging the two elderly females by the hair of their +heads about in a deadly struggle, and, after continuing it for +three-quarters of an hour, ultimately vanishing, as if exhausted, +apparently into the grand piano? Would you advise him to take his guests +into his confidence, and apologise for the intrusion, or pretend to +notice nothing unusual in the phenomenon, and simply ignore it? Examine +the situation, and conclude your paper by dealing with it in the shape +of a short essay on "the position of the Ghost considered in relation to +Society." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "LUXURY." + +(_According to the latest Edition of "Knight Thoughts."_) + +_Alderman (to his Guest, after a good dinner)._ "'ELP Y'SHELF! RECOLLEC' +EVERY BO'LE O' CHAMPAGNE WE DRINK, PROVI'SH EMPLOYMENT FOR THE WORKIN' +CLASSHESH!!"] + + * * * * * + + AT HAWARDEN. + + "Mr. GLADSTONE gave Earl SPENCER and Earl GRANVILLE a specimen + of his skill with the axe yesterday. With Mr. HERBERT GLADSTONE + to assist him, the Right Honourable gentleman, stripped to his + waist, attacked a tree in most vigorous fashion!"--_Times_, + Nov. 4. + + Said SPENCER to GRANVILLE, + "Like strokes on an anvil." + Said GRANVILLE to SPENCER, + "He'll catch influenza." + Young HERBERT, brow mopping, + Cried, "Letter from Dopping!" + Growled GLADSTONE, not stopping + In chopping, "Blow Dopping!" + And so went on lopping. + + * * * * * + +"REFUSAL TO PAY A LEVY IN IRELAND."--This was what Mrs. RAM saw as the +heading of a paragraph in an evening paper. "Well," said the good lady, +"if they won't pay a LEVY, why not send a MOSES, and see if _he_ will +get it." + + * * * + + The Plentiful Lac. + + [The Rajah of Kupurthala, emulating the Nizam, has offered five + lacs towards the defence of the frontiers of India.] + + The Laureate, patriot of sense, + Writes with a pungent pen + Of "That eternal lack of pence + Which vexeth public men." + But India's public men, with pride, + In Princes such as these, + Will find their "lack of pence" supplied + By--a lac of rupees! + + * * * * * + + VOCES POPULI. + + SCENE--_The Thames Embankment. Crowd discovered, waiting for + Lord Mayor's Show._ + +_Female Pleasure-seeker (whose temper is apt to be a little uncertain on +these occasions, to her husband)._ We ought to have started at _least_ +an hour earlier--just look at the number of people here already! You +_would_ dawdle--and it wasn't for want of speaking to, _I'm_ sure! + +_Her Husband (mildly)._ It certainly was _not_. Only, as the Show can't +possibly pass for two hours, at least---- + +_She._ _Two hours!_ Am I to stand about in this crowd all _that_ time? + +_He (with a feeble jocularity)._ Unless you prefer to climb a tree. + +_She._ Then, John, all I can say is, I wish I had stayed at home! (_John +murmurs a silent, but fervent assent._) + +_A Practical Pleasure-seeker._ Now I tell you what we'll _do_, +MARIA--you take WEETIE, and keep close to me, and I'll look after +DUGGIE, and we'll just stroll comfortably up and down till the very last +minute, and drop comfortably into front places, and there we are! + +_Patriotic P._ What I like about occasions like this, is the spectacle +of a thoroughly good-humoured, well-behaved British crowd--you don't see +that on the _Continent_, y'know! + +_More Patriotic P. (thoughtfully)._ No, that's perfectly true; and what +I say is--we don't want all these police about. Trust more to the +general spirit of decency and order--let the people feel they _are_ +trusted! + +_A Socialist._ Ah, you're right. Did you year what one of the Orators +said in the Square the other afternoon? He told 'em Sir CHARLES would +'ave to be as wide awake as what he was 'imself, to prevent a Unemployed +Demonstration to-day. "Let him remember," says he, "it's in our power to +do that within arf a mile of the Mansion House, which would make the +'ole civilised world ring with 'orror," he says. And it's men like that +as they're trying to silence and intimerdate! + +_The P. P.'s (edging away a little nervously, to one another)._ Well, I +hope the Police are keeping a sharp look-out. I--I don't seem to see so +many about as usual, eh? + +_A Speculator_ (with two tubs and a board) to Female P._ 'Ere you are, +lydy, hony two shellin' fur a fust-rate stand--you won't see no better +if you was to pay a suvring! + +_Female P._ You may say what you _like_, but I'm not going to tramp +about any longer, and if you're so mean as to grudge two shillings--why, +I can pay for myself! + +_Husb._ Oh, hang it--get up if you want to! + +_The Practical P._ Well, MARIA, it's no use worrying _now_--we must go +and ask at the Police-Stations afterwards--it was a mistake to bring +them! + +_The Patriotic P._ Of course one is _told_ there's a good deal of rough +horse-play on these occasions, but anything more entirely---- + + [_A "larrikin" comes up behind and "bashes" his hat in; a + string of playful youths seize each other by the waist and rush + in single file through crowd, upsetting everybody in their way; + both the_ Patriotic Pleasure-seekers _go home by the + Underground, without waiting for the Procession_. + +_The Female P. (on the stand)._ JOHN, I'm sure this board isn't safe. We +should see ever so much better on one of those carts--they're only +asking sixpence, JOHN. You _are_ the worst person to come out with--you +never give yourself the smallest trouble--I have to do it all! _You_ can +stop here if you choose, _I'm_ going to get into one of those carts! +[_She and_ JOHN _descend, and mount upon a coal-cart which is being +driven slowly along the route_. + +_Later; Procession approaching, distant music._ + +_Crowd (jumping up and down like "skip-jacks" to see better)._ 'Ere they +are, they're coming! + + [_The way is cleared by trotting mounted Constables._ + +_Stout Lady._ Well, if I wanted to faint ever so, I couldn't now--where +are you, my dear? + +_Another Stout Lady (cheerfully)._ I'm all right, Mrs. PORTER, Mum. I've +got tight 'old of this nice young Perliceman's belt--don't you fret +yourself about me! + +_Experienced Sightseer (catching hold of little_ DUGGIE _and placing him +in front, then pushing forward_). Make room for this little boy, will +you, please, I want him to see. + +_Crowd good-naturedly make way, affording unimpeded view of procession +to_ DUGGIE--_and the_ Experienced Sightseer, _who troubles himself no +further_. + +_A Superior Sightseer._ To think of the traffic of the first city in the +world being stopped for this contemptible tomfoolery! + + [_Fights hard for a front place._ + + _Procession passing._ + +_Impertinent Female (to gorgeous Coachman)._ 'Ow you _'ave_ altered! + +_Well-informed Person (pointing out City Marshal)._ That's Sir CHARLES, +that is! + +_Unemployed (smarting with sense of recent wrongs)._ Yah, toirant! + + [_The C. M. beams with gratification._ + +_Open carriages pass, containing Aldermen in tall hats and fur-coats._ + +_Critical Crowd._ Brush yer 'ats! There's a nose! Oh, ain't he bin +'avin' a go at the sherry afore he started, neither! 'Ere comes old "Sir +BEN"--that's 'im in the white pot 'at! + + [_They cheer_ Sir BEN--_without, however, any clear notion why_. + + _Allegorical Cars pass._ + +_Crowd._ Don't they look chilly up there! 'Old on to your globe, Sir! +Don't ketch cold in them tights, Miss! They've run up agin somethink, +that lot 'ave. See where it's all bent in--eh? + + _Lord Mayor's Coach passes._ + +_Crowd._ 'Ooray! That's 'im with the muff on. No, it ain't, yer soft +'ed! It's 'im in the feathered 'at a-layin' back. Whoy don't yer let 'im +set on yer lap, Guv'nor? &c., &c. + + _A block. Lady Mayoress's Coach stopping._ + +_Crowd._ There's dresses! They must ha' cost a tidy penny! + +_Agitator._ Wrung out of the pockets of the poor working-man! _I'd_ +dress 'em, I would! Why should sech as you and me keep the likes +o' them in laziness? If we 'ad our rights, it's _us_ as 'ud be riding in +their places! + +_Artisan (after a glance at him)._ Dunno as the Show'd be much the +prettier to look at for _that_, mate. + + _After the Procession._ + +_Practical Pleasure-seeker (who has been pushed into a back row, and +seen nothing but the banners, to_ DUGGIE _and_ WEETIE, _miraculously +recovered_). Thank Heaven, they're found! Children, let this be a +lesson to you in future never to----What? Seen the Show beautifully, +have you? (_Boiling over._) Oh, very well--wait till I get you +home! + +_The Female P._ Now, don't say another word, JOHN,--anyone but +an _idiot_ would have _known_ that that cart would be turned down a +back-street! If I hadn't _insisted_ on getting out when I did, we +should have missed the Show altogether. Policeman, is the Show +ever coming? Shall we get a good view from here? + +_Policeman._ Capital view, Mum--if you don't mind waiting till +next November! [_Tableau. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 53. +THE FIRST MEET OF THE SEASON.] + + * * * * * + + The Ingratitude of Grandolph. + + Many terrible things have our patriots seen; + They have seen their dear DIZZY extending the suffrage, + And versatile GLADSTONE a-wearing the Green, + And HARCOURT defending Home Rule and the rough-rage; + And Disintegration approaching our realm, + And Rads--so they fancy--inviting invaders; + But that which their souls must with woe most o'erwhelm + Is--Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL a-chaffing Fair Traders! + + * * * + +"'_Jam' satis,_" as our Schoolmaster had just breath enough to +murmur when he escaped from out of the midst of a Socialist Meeting +in Trafalgar Square. + + * * * + +Unfortunately, the great enemy of the Teetotal Temperance Societies +is--the British "Public." + + * * * * * + + MANNERS AND CUSTOMS OF THE CITY OF LONDON. + +(_A Contribution towards a Future History, by Macaulay Stiggins, C. C._) + +[Illustration] + +The LORD MAYOR was the first Privy Councillor created, and has remained +so ever since that auspicious event. On the death of the Monarch, he +presides at the meeting that is immediately summoned, and appoints the +new Cabinet, generally from the members of the late Government, but on +one memorable occasion he appointed all the members of the Court of +Aldermen who had passed the Chair, and although they were afterwards +induced to resign, it was noticed that during their short administration +matters went on much as usual. This was called the Cabinet of Absolute +Wisdom, after Alderman WOOD, the Prime Minister, who was the First Lord +of the Treasury who ever left more in it than he found there. His +beautiful daughter, MARIA, was the reigning Toast of those hard-drinking +days, and gave her well-known name to the magnificent City Barge that +periodically conveys the City Fathers, together with the City Mothers, +on their several important inspections of the Silver Thames, in the +neighbourhood of Richmond and Twickenham. The matters they have to +discuss on these occasions are of so weighty a nature that they are +compelled to have five or six horses to draw them. On one occasion, and +one only, they managed to get as far as Oxford, an account of which +celebrated voyage was written by the Lord Mayor's Chaplain of the time, +under the title of "Alderman WENABLES' Woyage to Hoxford," a copy of +which is still preserved in the Bodleian, among their most cherished +treasures, and can only be seen on special application, as fabulous sums +have been offered by the Court of Aldermen for its destruction, it being +the only copy that escaped when the whole edition was ordered to be +bought up and destroyed. This unique volume is said to contain such +astounding revelations as must be seen to be believed, and would +possibly not be believed even then. + +Before the newly-elected Lord Mayor is sworn in, he has to produce a +Certificate from a Wine Merchant, "residinge in ye Cittye," and a +Freeman of the Vintners' Company, that he has placed in the capacious +Cellar at the Mansion House, provided for that purpose, ten Tuns, or one +thousand dozen of good wine, for the year's consumption, and whatever is +left, _if any_, is distributed among the Royal Hospitals, the quantity +being carefully recorded by the learned Recorder, which record is placed +under the control of the equally learned Comptroller, and remains for +all time, as a witness to the liberality or stinginess of the Right +Honourable the Lord Mayor of that particular year. + +The Sheriffs are the most ancient officers of the Corporation, having +been first elected in the reign of King NEBUCHADNEZZAR. A singular +custom still prevails, originating, it is said, in their association +with the grass-eating monarch. They are entitled, by virtue of their +office, to the first six bundles of sparrow-grass--as it was originally +spelt, and is still called by Members of the Corporation--that are +brought into Covent Garden Market: and his Grace the Duke of BEDFORD is +always courteously invited to partake of it, at a sumptuous banquet +called "the Grass Festival." (_Vide Stow_, cap. 23 of BELL'S ed.) + +The City Marshal was formerly a personage of great importance, being in +fact of the same rank as a Field Marshal, the only difference being that +one acted in the City and the other in the Field, whence their names. +The City Marshal was the City Champion, and always rode into Guildhall, +fully armed, on Lord Mayor's Day, at the commencement of the Banquet, +and, throwing down a glove, dared anyone to mortal combat who disputed +the rights of the Lord Mayor. If no one accepted his challenge, he +quaffed a flagon of sack to his Lordship's health, and then cleverly and +gracefully backed out of the Hall. It is recorded that on one occasion +his challenge was accepted by a gallant Common Councilman who had been +fulfilling the important duties of Wine-taster, and who, when called +upon to name time and place for the deadly encounter, said, in the +memorable words of the great ALFRED, "Here and now!" which so astonished +the Champion that he pleaded sudden indisposition, and withdrew. The +custom has since been discontinued. The gallant Common Councilman was +made Deputy of the Ward of Port-soaken. + +In ancient times the LORD MAYOR, as every one knows, had a Fool all to +himself, and he was the only Fool permitted in the City. The appointment +was open to all by competitive examination. On the occasion of a LORD +MAYOR making a Fool of himself the office was abolished by the Common +Council from motives of economy. In memory of this ancient privilege the +LORD MAYOR once in the season has a fool--a gooseberry fool--all to +himself. + + * * * * * + + A NAPPY HOLIDAY. + +[Illustration: Going Nap.] + +_Any Time in August._--Just been reading capital article in _Nineteenth +Century_, by Dr. JAMES MUIR HOWIE, on the "Nerve Rest-Cure," which +says--"For those who cannot get a sufficient holiday, the best +substitute is an occasional day in bed." Why not several days in bed? In +fact one's whole summer holiday? "Better than climbing toilsome +mountains," he remarks. Quite so--and much better than toilsome trip to +Ramsgate with one's whole family in tow. (Think of the Old Woman who +lived in a Shoe. _She_ had all her family in _toe_. Laugh feebly at my +own joke. Really my nerves must be _very_ bad.) Best feature of new +holiday plan, however, is its _cheapness_. Was quite at a loss how to +afford our annual trip till HOWIE came to rescue with his "(y)early to +bed" cure. Announce to family that I intend following Dr. HOWIE'S +advice. Family seems too stupefied to say anything. + +_Evening._--Family has found its voice. Protests unanimously and quite +fiercely against new holiday plan. Wife "sure I can afford trip to +sea-side." If not, _where_ does my money go to? Argument forcible, but +unpleasant. + +_First Day._--Holiday begins. Sleep till 11 A.M. Scrumpshous! Should +have slept longer, but two hurdy-gurdies stop outside, playing different +airs. Not only murder the tunes, but "murder sleep" as well. Listen for +ten minutes--nerves terribly shaky. Oughtn't to get out of bed, HOWIE +says, but must. See my eldest boy, HENRY, giving Italian fiends money! +What does this unwonted generosity mean? + +_Afternoon._--Dinner in bed not a success. Everything underdone. Tell +wife. She says, "Cook and servants in bad tempers; thought we were all +going to Ramsgate, and they would have rest." Rest means clandestine +kitchen parties. Feel angry--bad for nerves, but can't help it. Sleep +impossible, as bed full of crumbs. Wonder HOWIE didn't think of this. +Send HENRY for evening paper--perhaps it will soothe me. + +It doesn't. He brings back one three days old. Says shopman gave it him! +Send him again, and shop closed for night. Nerves actually _worse than +ever_. + +_Second Day._--Had disturbed night, owing to lack of my usual exercise +yesterday. Still must stick to HOWIE'S prescription. Terrific row in +house. Wife comes up after breakfast (in tears) to say children, +deprived of sea-side trip, are ungovernable; pretend to be buffaloes and +Cowboys _in drawing-room_! Already two valuable vases wrecked. Hang the +children! Hang Colonel CODY too! Still even paying for new vases cheaper +than Ramsgate lodgings. Read morning paper. Just dropping off to sleep +over somebody's important speech on Ireland, when---- + +_Three_ hurdy-gurdies outside! Rush to window, open it, and bid men +avaunt. They won't avaunt. Say "they've been ordered to come every +morning for a month by the young gent." This must be HENRY'S "Plan of +Campaign." Send for him, and find he has prudently gone out. Nothing for +it but to stuff cotton-wool into ears till men go. Cotton-wool in ears +for a whole hour _shatters_ nerves. + +_Third Day._--Much worse. Though I've given strict orders that no +letters or bills are to be sent up to my bed-room, find Tax-Collector's +little "Demand-Note" wrapped in fold of morning paper! Annoyed. Perhaps, +after all, HOWIE wrong. Hullo! what's that? Somebody on my window-sill! +Burglars? No, can't be. How bad all this is for my nerves. Spring up in +time to see HENRY disappearing down rope-ladder, which he and his +brothers have let down from roof. How horribly dangerous! Ring +violently. Hear heavy thud in garden. Talk of "Nerve Rest-Cure"--rest of +my nerves gone long ago, none left to be cured. + +Wife (in tears again--awfully bad for nerves this) says the thud was not +HENRY falling; boys have pulled down part of chimney, which has smashed +the front steps--that's all. She suggests that perhaps, after all, this +holiday plan in bed is not so good as---- + +_Five hurdy-gurdies_ to-day! Maddening! Hired by HENRY, wife says. Send +_him_ to bed for whole day; we'll see how he likes "Rest-Cure" for _his_ +nerves. Get up gloomily, dress, and go downstairs. Pitch _Nineteenth +Century_ into waste-paper basket. Feel nerves better after it. Decide on +Ramsgate, as usual, and so ends my holiday in bed--my "Sleepy Hollow" +day! + + * * * * * + + [Illustration] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or + Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or + Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not + even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, + Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + +Transcriber Notes: + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the document, the oe ligature was replaced with "oe". + +Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is. + +The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. + +Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +93, Nov. 11, 1887, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 39315.txt or 39315.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/3/1/39315/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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