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diff --git a/39315.txt b/39315.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4d18157 --- /dev/null +++ b/39315.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1796 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, +Nov. 11, 1887, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, Nov. 11, 1887 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 31, 2012 [EBook #39315] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. +VOL. 93. +NOVEMBER 12, 1887. + + + THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. + + FROM A HOME-SICK SECRETARY. + + _By Guildford, Saturday._ + +[Illustration: D]EAR TOBY, + +I HOPE you will forgive my not being more precise as to my whereabouts. +The fact is if I can get away from London for a day or two without +leaving my address, I am only too glad to do so. I was at the Cabinet +Council on Thursday, afterwards ran down here, _et j'y reste_, at any +rate over Sunday. I am getting more and more tired of London, and the +office sardonically called "Home." It has never been a sweet +resting-place, and of late has grown absolutely intolerable. I used once +to have Sunday to myself; but now, owing to the new-born church-going +fervour of the Unemployed, Sunday is the worst day of the week. So when +opportunity offers, as just now, I cut the whole business and get me +into the sweet seclusion of Surrey. + +I see by the papers that I am about to resign office, and retire into +that private life, upon which during the past twelve months I have +looked back with increasing affection. Perhaps the statement is true, +and perhaps the Markiss would say it is "not authentic." We shall see. +In the mean time, at this distance from Parliament Street, I get the +advantage of perspective in regarding the office of Home Secretary. Down +here it seems odd enough that it should be so much hankered after by men +of various temperaments. H-NRY J-M-S wanted it at the time H-RC-RT +secured it. It had a strange fascination for L-WE, and I am disclosing +no secret when I mention that my old friend and patron, GR-ND-LPH, +fancies it would suit him down to the ground. I only wish he would try +it. If I were certain that he would come in, it might have some effect +in hastening my decision on the question of resignation. Of course +GR-ND-LPH and I remain on terms of friendliest regard. I am indebted to +him for a sudden promotion exceeding the hopes of the most sanguine +politician. Still, I would like to see him at the Home Office, if only +for a short six months. He is serenely confident he could grapple with +the situation. JOHNNY RUSSELL was quite a nervous, modest person, +compared with GR-ND-LPH. I should really like to see my old friend in my +old chair. + +The post, of course, has its attractions. It is no small thing to be +principal Secretary of State, with a seat in the Cabinet, and an +adequate salary. But, to tell the truth, dear TOBY, the Home Secretary +lives too near the People to have an uninterruptedly pleasant time. He +is too close to, and too frequently under, the public eye. It is like +working in a glass hive. A Foreign Secretary labours in secret in the +Samoan Islands, or some equally remote quarter, and months elapse before +the publication of the Blue Book places his labour under the criticism +of the public. The Secretary for the Colonies works under similar +conditions, whilst the First Lord of the Admiralty and the War +Secretary, except upon rare occasions, have only their respective +Services to deal with. + +But the Home Secretary is, necessarily, always at home to impertinent +lookers-in, or idle callers who have not sufficient business of their +own to attend to. If anything goes wrong with the water or the gas, if a +country Magistrate makes a more than usually particular ass of himself, +if a policeman arrests the wrong woman in Regent Street, if there is a +procession through the parks or a meeting in Trafalgar Square, it's ever +the Home Secretary that is wrathfully turned to for explanation. When +things go well with London or the Provinces, you never hear the Home +Secretary's name mentioned. The condition of affairs may be due to his +admirable administration, but there is no recognition of his agency. On +the other hand, if the least thing connected with his department goes +wrong, he is held personally responsible, and the fiendish newspapers +fall upon him. + +That is my experience after a little more than twelve months in office, +and if I am a little wearied of it who shall blame me? Why should I +remain the butt of all the captious critics throughout the country? I +have no hour, except these stolen ones, that I can call my own. All the +pleasures and recreations of private life are swallowed up in official +cares. Why should I longer submit to be engulfed in this state of +slavery? I am not in the absolute prime of youth; but still, as we +Statesmen go, I am not old. For example, I have seen but two summers +more than that elderly young beau, H-NRY J-M-S. Someone once said of me, +that for my recorded age, I had the youngest-looking body in the House +of Commons. That is a subtle distinction, the value of which I cannot +grasp. I know that I have been a buck in my time, and if I only get my +time to myself once more, I may again become as ornamental as I am now +useful. I will think it over, and probably in the course of the next few +weeks you may hear what resolution I have taken. + + Yours faithfully, H-NRY M-TTH-WS. + + * * * * * + + A BLACK AFFAIR AT HAYTI. + +The Foreign Office, whether represented by Lord SALISBURY or Lord +ROSEBERY,--two "berries," so that we are to judge of the worth of our +Foreign Office by its berries, not by its fruits,--ought to be hauled +over the coals--the victim's name being suggestive of this process--by +the British Public. Mr. COLES was innocent of the charge brought against +him, was convicted in the face of evidence; and as there was no one to +screen COLES, poor COLES--COLES down again!--was shovelled into a black +hole, which was, _pro. tem._, a COLES cellar. After sixteen months of +Haytian bonds, and being kept in durance by Haytian Black Guards, the +energy of the British F. O. obtained for the unfortunate prisoner a free +pardon! But no further redress, except the offer of L500, which COLES +couldn't be "cokes'd" into accepting. Now this matter of Hayti and COLES +is a very black affair. What is going to be done? Do we leave COLES and +scuttle? Surely so gross a wrong perpetrated in Hayti ought to have been +put right in Hayti-seven. + + * * * * * + +THE MOST LITIGIOUS PERSON ON RECORD.--The man who had all his +invitations properly stamped at Somerset House, and then brought an +action against his hosts for breach of agreement if a dinner happened to +be put off. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MUMPSIMUS!"] + +Reminiscence of a celebrated and highly popular picture, adapted to the +painful circumstance announced last week by _Truth_; namely, that the +Chorister Boys at a certain Cathedral have all got the Mumps. + + * * * * * + + HIS FIRST APPEARANCE AT THE CAFE DES AMBASSADEURS. + +[Illustration: OWEN MEREDITH, _ALIAS_ LORD LYTTON, TRANSLATED INTO +FRENCH. + +_Lord L-tt-n sings_:--] + + _Love's Metamorphoses_ I sang of late, + "My Unglenaverilled Glenaveril" + Puzzled the Public's unpoetic pate. + Wit, like my sire's imaginary _Vril_, + Is thaumaturgic. I have served the State + In various ways with elegance and skill; + But _my_ "last Metamorphosis," I opine, + Out of Glenaveril's wholly takes the shine. + + From "OWEN MEREDITH," of Servian song, + Translator (who said through the French?) to this! + The course, like my Serb falcon's flight, is long. + The proletariat possibly may hiss. + I scorn the anserine Gladstonian throng, + Whose mouthpiece is the _Gaily Dews_. I wis + That nickname shows a polish and a fire + Of wit well worthy my prodigious Sire. + + When I wrote _Aux Italiens_ long ago + (And _Trovatore_ rhymed with purgatory) + I little thought Paris one day should know + The bard in an Ambassador's full glory. + Ah! I shall miss the Oriental show + Of Ind--but that is scarce a pleasant story, + And, after all, I fancy that my _Charis_ + Had always, more or less, a touch of Paris. + + "_Lucile_," for instance! Well, I've wandered far + From my old _Wanderer_ days; _tout mieux_, perchance. + Better to be a diplomatic star + Than a poetic shade. Beloved France, + To ape thy _jeunesse doree_ will not jar + Upon my spirit, which is all romance: + I love the blend of the sublime and finical, + Of chivalry, choice cookery, and the cynical. + + CHAMBERLAIN--_did_ I dub him once a scold, + A leaner, later _Casca_? I was wrong-- + Is off to Canada, and BALBO bold + (I called him bilious once, but 'twas in song) + Is with us now, I hope the league may hold. + Who now dubs JOSEPH--though of course he's strong-- + "The secret despot of a Cabinet, + That dare not disregard his faintest threat?" + + Forgive the thought, _Caecilius_! Whether JOE + _Has_ put his foot in it, and bowed still more + Your "large Olympian forehead," I don't know; + But I can see that it must be a bore + To have your diplomats run wild. I go + With other purpose to a nearer shore; + And soon I hope your confidence to win, + And prove no ass, though in the LYONS' skin! + + * * * * * + +The "Wild West" finished up rather tamely. Lord LORNE and others, with, +we presume, the Honourable BUFFALO BILL CODY, palavered about an +International Arbitration Court. If the Hon. and Rev. BILL--"Reverend" +because, as he tells us, he once performed the part of a clergyman and +married a couple, pronouncing a formula which, being a close parody on +the words of the solemn rite, need not be repeated here, though they +evidently struck him as a bright idea,--has anything to do with it, we +shall hear of the rules of this new Court (not Earl's Court) being at +once codi-fied. + + * * * * * + +RESTITUTION WITH RESIGNATION.--M. WILSON gave up 40,000 francs' worth of +postage. Will M. GREVY give up the post altogether? + + * * * + +ANOTHER MOTTO FOR AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS.--He does not say, "Peace with +Honour," but "Piece with MERRITT." + + * * * + +"THE ROUGH ELEMENT"--last week, was--the Sea. + + * * * * * + + Jenny Lind. + +_Born at Stockholm, October 6, 1821. Married Herr Otto Goldschmidt, +February 5, 1852. Died, November 2, 1887._ + + "She never lost her interest in the two chief objects of her + life, music and charity."--_Times._ + + Music and Charity! Of all things mortal, + What sweeteners of our lives may match these twain? + What draweth hearts nearer the heavenly portal + Than mercy's impulse, melody's moving strain? + Well chosen, singer sweet! + Great gifts, and the large love of giving meet, + Well harmonised in JENNY LIND'S career; + These made her life delight, these make her memory dear. + + _Punch_, of well-fitting phrases ready minter, + Christened his favourite forty years ago; + Hailed as "The Nightingale that Sings in Winter,"[A] + The Swedish songstress whom the voice of woe + Moved ever, as her own + Moved the applauding multitude; alone, + Amidst the stars of Opera's tuneful quire, + To succour ever prompt as potent to inspire! + + "Dear JENNY LIND!" So then his song addressed her + Who still is "JENNY LIND," and still is dear. + Though Genius praised, and Fashion's crowd caressed her, + She sank not, like some stars, below her sphere + Into those darkening mists + Whose taint the true and tender heart resists. + Her nature fame was powerless to soil, + Whom splendour hardened not, and puffery could not spoil. + + How the crowd rushed and crushed, and cheered and clamoured, + Forty years syne, to hang upon her song! + Of _La Sonnambula's_ heroine enamoured, + Thrilled by the flute-like trillings sweet as strong + Of their dear Nightingale. + _Amina_, _Lucia_, _Alice_, each they'd hail + With fervent plaudits, in whose flush and stir + Love of her silvery song was blent with love of her. + + And each well earned! The crowd would press and jostle + To hear their favourite warbler, from whose throat, + Clear as the lark, and mellow as the throstle, + The limpid melody would soar and float. + Now like a shattered lute, + The Nightingale who sang in winter's mute; + But long remembered that pure life shall be, + To Music dedicate and vowed to Charity. + + [A] See _Punch_, Vol. XVI., p. 15. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE LABOUR MARKET." + +_First East Countryman._ "SHALL YEAOU VOOTE FOR THE DIS'TABLISHMENT O' +TH' CHU'CH?" + +_Second Ditto (firmly)._ "No; thar I 'on't, Bo'! Work's scass enow as +'T IS--BUT IF WE WAS TO HEV ALL THEM PARSONS TU'NNED OUT, AN' GOIN' +'BOUT PLOUGHIN', AN' HEDGIN', AN' MOWIN', AN' HARVESTIN', WE SHOULD BE +WUSS OFF THAN WE ARE NOW!"] + + * * * * * + + "THE BEARING OF IT LIES IN THE APPLICATION." + +"Spare no efforts to maintain the magnificent inheritance which has +descended from your forefathers," said Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, when bidding a +temporary good-bye to Birmingham. + +Well, it is a magnificent inheritance, and most certainly it is our +duty, as well as our interest, to maintain it. But how? Magnificent as +it is, it has certain incumbrances; memories of wrongs unredressed, +actualities of mismanagement unremoved. To maintain _these_ is not to +improve the inheritance, and enable us to hand it down better worth +maintaining by those who will inherit it from us. As stewards of the +splendid patrimony of empire, we must not only keep it together, but +properly--that is, justly and sagaciously--administer it, which, indeed, +is the only sure and safe way of maintaining it. The accumulated +mortgage of our ancestors' errors and misdeeds is, unfortunately, but +inevitably, a part of our "inheritance." To pay it off may seem a +burdensome duty, but a duty it is, in the resolute doing, not the +haughty ignoring or cowardly shirking, of which we shall be at least as +truly "maintaining our inheritance," as by stroke of sword, or statute +of coercion. _Verb. sap_. + + * * * * * + +We see a book advertised by Messrs. KEGAN, PAUL & CO., called _Tertium +Quid_. Ask an Eton Boy, about Christmas time, or when he is going back +to school, what is the translation of _Tertium Quid_, and he will +probably hold out his hand and reply, "The third sovereign--but I'll +take one to go on with, or to go off with." Well, you can "owe him one" +for that. + + * * * + +WHAT'S IN A NAME?--The person who ought to write a weird Christmas story +is, evidently, the Author of _Bootles' Baby, That Imp!_ &c., JOHN +STRANGE WINTER. + + * * * + +MOTTO FOR THE NEW LORD MAYOR.--"_Aut Keyser aut nullus._" + + * * * * * + + THE FISHERS. + (_Some way after Kingsley._) + + The Fishers went sailing North, South, East, and West, + And they raised lots of rows ere the sun went down. + Each fancied the foreigners' waters the best, + And wished in those waters to let his nets down. + And Commissions must work and Statesmen must weep, + And weary with trying the peace for to keep, + Whilst the Public heart is groaning. + + The Smack-owners rush to Lord SALISBURY'S side, + And genial JOSEPH'S to Canada gone; + And the end of this selfishness, temper, and pride, + Will be a great big all-round fight ere all's done, + Unless men will try their hot tempers to keep, + And establish some rule of fair-play on the deep, + For which honest hearts are all moaning. + + * * * * * + +POLITICAL SEPULTURE.--The Senior Member for Northampton lately told his +constituents that:-- + + "The Conservatives were digging their own graves, and it was + about the only good and sensible thing they possibly could do." + +But if they wanted an interment, the Home-Rulers could supply them with +a SEXTON ready and willing to save them that trouble. + + * * * + +"THE SCARCITY OF HARES."--It is so stated. But it's only a bald +statement. + + * * * + +LETTS' DIARIES.--There are two sorts of Letts: The Out-Letts for 1887, +and the In-Letts for 1888. Letts get 'em. + + * * * * * + + SHOWS VIEWS. + + _By Victor Who-goes-Everywhere._ + +[Illustration] + +Last week was remarkable for a number of _Matinees_. There were two, +each with a new Play, at the Vaudeville, in preparation apparently for +the disappearance of _Sophia_. The Author of one of the pieces was, I +fancy, Mr. JONES (the name fixed itself on my memory), but I am not +quite so sure about the others. I rather think the first play was +written in collaboration possibly by Messrs. BROWN and ROBINSON to +complete the immortal _trio_. However, the morning performance _par +excellence_, was the production of a new and original poetical drama in +five Acts, called _Nitrocris_, by GEO. GRAVES, at Drury Lane. This was +really a very interesting occasion, as we were taken back to B.C. 1420, +and I must admit that I too was rather taken aback when I found the +Early Egyptians talking of the "Pharmacopoeia," and many other matters +of a yet more recent date. I supposed this was local colouring, and when +I saw the "Banquetting Hall in the Palace," I felt sure that the +Egyptian Court represented belonged to the Nineteenth Century, and could +be easily discovered (either by season ticket or on payment of a +shilling) in Sydenham. The Author supplies a note in the official +programme, in which she informs the World that AMUN-MYKERA NITOCRIS was +"handsome among women, and brave among men, and governed for her husband +with great splendour and much justice, though she is rebuked by several +of the ancient historians for her cruelty and sensuality," and no doubt +these facts have suggested the five long Acts of the more or less +poetical play. What story there is shows how the adopted son of and +apprentice to an Embalmer, after being left to die in the Palace of +_Nitocris_ for refusing to join in an unpatriotic toast, escapes, and +twelve weeks later is lured back once more to the Royal realms to reject +the suddenly-kindled love of the Egyptian Queen in favour of the +affection of a Grecian orphan called _Soris_, who happens to be staying +on a visit with her swarthy Majesty. Then _Soris_ gets half-poisoned and +entirely stabbed, and _Nitocris_ and the Embalmer's Apprentice repair to +a "stretch of desert in the neighbourhood of the Pyramids," to be +drowned in an inundation which is much talked about but never seen. As +the Embalmer's Apprentice, Mr. J. H. BARNES fostered the impression that +he was either a very slow and dull pupil, or that the art of embalming +had taken him a middle-aged lifetime to thoroughly acquire. In the last +act he looked like a portly Friar of Orders Grey sadly in need of the +fast rising Nile. Mr. ROBERT PATEMAN was good as a nigger _Quasimodo_, +who apparently had nothing in particular to do save to murder Miss ALMA +MURRAY when that popular young _tragedienne's_ sorrows became monotonous +and required curtailment in the interests of the audience. Mr. FERNANDEZ +too was useful as Chief of the Magi, and Mr. BERNARD GOULD'S performance +would have been more pleasing had he really died at the end of the +Second Act, instead of living to see the final fall of the curtain. But +this last was rather the Author's than the actor's fault. Personally I +should have been better satisfied had every one died at the end of the +First Act, but I confess I am a little exacting. On Wednesday, after the +"principals" had been called and received more or less applause, there +was a cry for the Authoress, when to my surprise a lady in a +semi-masculine costume and seemingly in her "teens," made her way before +the curtain. This was young "CLO,"--a most charming person to judge from +her personal appearance. There was a further "call" when a gentleman of +much maturer years was seen bowing. I do not know if he was also a +"CLO,"--if so, he was unquestionably a much older "CLO"--in fact, quite +an elderly "CLO." Ages ago a wonderful piece called _Nitocris_ was +played at Drury Lane for a few nights with moderate success. In it was +represented an inundation, that, if it did not precisely resemble the +waters of the rising Nile, at any rate was a capital realisation of +green-coloured muslin sprinkled with spangles. I am afraid that young +"CLO'S" poetical play will not keep the stage much longer than its +predecessor. + +[Illustration: Full in Front.] + +It was my good fortune to be present at the opening of the Manchester +Exhibition (which _Mr. Punch_ very appropriately christened the "Gem of +the Jubilee,") and on Thursday last I again paid it a visit with about +sixty-five thousand other persons. In spite of the hurricane of the +preceding Monday, the building was in an excellent condition, and the +reproduction of the old part of the ancient city had weathered the storm +as if it had been intended to remain for a thousand years instead of +half-a-dozen months. I was much struck with the extreme good-nature of a +Lancashire crowd. In the afternoon a severe shower of rain, which I +fancy must have come down from Town by the 10.10 Express from Euston (a +train which maintained the tradition of the L. & N. W. R. by arriving to +the minute) drove all the pleasure-seekers from the grounds into the +building, and for a moment there was an "ugly block." Immediately the +police and the other officials organised a stream right and left, and +when it was found that there were many schools amongst the sight-seers, +a cry of "Make way for the children!" secured the safety of the little +ones. The picture galleries were as popular as ever, and I observed that +the crowd generally gathered in dense masses near the paintings with +historical events as their subjects. The arrival of the Princess of +WALES at Gravesend was particularly favoured, and some regret was +expressed that the Benchers of the Middle Temple had required the return +of the portrait by HOLL of their Royal Treasurer. The splendid display +of the works of Mr. WATTS did not attract much attention, one lady +observing that it was "a pity that they had not been finished," and +their opposite neighbours by Mr. BURNE-JONES, were also a little above +the heads (in more senses than one) of the average shilling public. But +LANDSEER, MILLAIS, POYNTER and HOLMAN HUNT had thousands of earnest +admirers, and there were always enthusiastic groups in front of "_The +Derby Day_" and "_Ramsgate Sands_." It was delightful to walk through +the galleries devoted to this unique, this magnificent collection of +purely native Art, only saddened by the reflection that such an +opportunity would never offer itself again. The machinery, from another +point of view, was nearly as interesting. I have been present at many +Exhibitions, but have never seen anything to equal the display of "works +in operation." Both visitors and "hands" seemed to be equally in +earnest; the first to watch, and the second to work. Then the music was +excellent, as, indeed, it was obliged to be to satisfy the requirements +of Manchester connoisseurs, who are not to be put off with second-rate +bands. Lastly, the illuminated fountains were absolutely fairy-like with +their colours reflected from below the water-line. And this reminds me +there was also something else fairy-like--the _table d'hote_ dinner +served in the Conservatory, which seemed (with its many courses, of the +daintiest proportions) to be exactly suited to the wants of _Titania_ +and (if he took the hint printed on the menu, and "requiring extra +quantities of any of the dishes," asked for more) of the robuster +_Oberon_. The captious might certainly have objected that the dessert +would have been more satisfactory had nut-crackers been supplied with +the walnuts. I asked for a pair, but was told by my waiter that he could +get me none. No doubt this little defect will be remedied when the +contractor fulfils his intention of catering next year at the Brussels +Exhibition. But this is a detail. For the rest, the Manchester +celebration of the Fiftieth Year of Her Majesty's reign has been worthy +of the occasion; and my second visit has fully confirmed the opinion +(that was expressed in May last) that the leading town of Lancashire has +produced the Gem of the Jubilee. + + * * * * * + + JAW-HOLDING. + +[Illustration: Hold your Jaw!] + +At the dinner of the Nottingham Mechanics' Institution, the other night, +Mr. PHELPS, the American Minister, advocated the establishment of a +Professorship of Silence in schools and colleges. Good! There is too +much latitude given to jabberers and chatterers in the present day. +Politicians do nothing but prate, and the talking man nowadays has taken +the place of the working man. We might begin our reform in the House of +Commons. The Sergeant-at-Arms might appoint a beadle to bridle the +tongues of the everlasting talkers, and an official with a large +extinguisher should make them harmless after they had bored the House +for five minutes. + + * * * * * + +TO SEVERAL CORRESPONDENTS.--"Fox the Quaker." It is not true that the +birthday of this excellent man is celebrated in his native place by an +annual "meet." Fox was occasionally hunted, but though a Quaker, it is +not on record that he ever quaked. Our Correspondents' mistake arises +probably from Fox having been a man of _pax_. But in this case his +memory would be honoured by all card-players. + + * * * * * + + OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +There is no better form of book, providing always the print be clear and +distinct, than the volume which is adapted practically in price and size +to the pocket. One man's pocket is more capacious than another's, as one +man's purse is longer than another's, and the latter can purchase a +volume more expensively got up than the small, useful, charming +travelling companions that _Mr. Punch_ has at this moment actually in +view while others are in his mind's eye, Horatio. _The Handy-Volume +Shakspeare_ (BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO.), which in every way is the model of +a pocket-volume, the model _par excellence_, is a member of a family all +in one case, a perfect Christmas present. But if one volume is lost, the +set is spoilt, and the missing book cannot, in the ordinary course of +bookselling nature, be replaced. Consequently only a very careful and +methodical person can venture upon travelling about with one of these +volumes as his pocket-companion. A little Shakespeare is a dangerous +thing. And this is why the small books belonging to _Cassell's National +Library,_ price threepence apiece, ought to find favour in the eyes of +those who can read in a cab, in a coach, in a train, or even walking. As +to a man running and reading the thing's almost impossible, and whoever +saw a man on horseback reading a book, except in an old print of _Doctor +Syntax_? As the snail carries his shell about with him, so every +Englishman can carry his own _Cassell_, and get rid of it too--which is +more than the snail can--and can lose it--and can replace it for the +small sum of threepence, or if secondhand (for being in limp covers they +soon become "secondhand" in appearance) for considerably less. With a +volume from this library carried always in the tail-pocket of his +coat--the very place to carry a short tale--no one need ever be idle, +and every spare moment, as long as he is wearing the coat, can be well +occupied. These bits of books are our modern _Curiosities of +Literature_. + +[Illustration: Handy Vols.] + +Nor must we forget the DICKENS series of Messrs. ROUTLEDGE, who have +just brought out a dainty little edition of the _Cricket on the Hearth_. +This is a lasting work got up in a lasting manner. And so whether the +tale be long, or short, pointed or not, every man for a small sum, in +some instances a very small sum, can be his own talebearer: only the +tale isn't his, it is somebody else's, but his by purchase. + +Among the handiest of handy books must be included the Pocket Diaries +for 1888, numbered, respectively, one, two, three,--of which No. 3 is +"A1,"--brought out by JOHN WALKER & CO. of Farringdon House, and +admirably adapted to all walkers, who can now bring them out for +themselves every day in the new year. One novelty there is in WALKER & +CO.'S division of pages, and this is that two are set apart for +"Addresses"--not political ones, of course--and two others for +"Visits"--(such an idea could only have struck a Walker who wanted an +object for his walk)--these being subdivided into columns headed +"_Name_," "_Reception Day_," "_Visit Received_," "_Visit Returned_," +which in itself is quite a little manual, or _Walker's Dictionary_, of +politeness. To "Cash" is devoted a great deal too much space; but, of +course, if there is sufficient cash to fill it, so much the better. If +we might suggest a "rider" to WALKER, it would be that, as many persons, +who pay nothing else, are often most assiduous in "paying their +addresses" and in "paying visits," an equal space might be given to +business as represented by "Cash," and to pleasure as represented by the +two other items. The pencil is a triumph of ingenuity, and the binding +of No. 3 proves the truth of the old adage, that there is nothing like +leather, specially when the leather is Russian. + + * * * * * + +HUMILITY.--The _Pall Mall Gazette_, in its account of the consecration +of Truro Cathedral, stated how-- + + "The Archbishop of CANTERBURY and the Bishop of TRURO received + the Prince of WALES at the Phillpotts porch, and conducted His + Royal Highness to a footstool placed for him in the choir. Every + available inch of space was crowded." + +Poor Royal Highness! only a "footstool" to sit upon. He was His Royal +Lowness on this occasion. If, however, for "footstool" we read +"faldstool," His Royal Highness's apparently uncomfortable position +becomes intelligible. + + * * * * * + + MORE REALISM. + + DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +[Illustration] + +Will you not help us to make a stand even now against the encroachments +of realism in the pronunciation of Latin? My evening paper has been full +of it lately. Why, Sir, it is well known that the Britons understood the +Romans, and the Romans the Britons, and if the Romans had said their +repetition in the absurd foreign fashion that a few modern-side pedants +advocate, is it likely that the Britons would have understood them, much +less that they would have had so much respect for them as to admit their +garrisons, and their Mayors, and their Corporations, and what not for +four or five hundred years? And if our early ancestors had spoken Latin +in this eminently unmanly un-English fashion, why should we naturally +and instinctively pronounce it in our own way now, as if there were no +natural piety linking the chapters of our rough island story together? + +The Cambridge Augustan Johnnies (Dr. SANDYS at least, being a Johnian, +may excuse the term) set great store upon the fact that all over the +Continent the language is pronounced in the foreign manner. Why, Sir, it +is well known that the Norse tongue in Iceland, being icerlated, has +remained nearly unchanged since its introduction in the ninth century. +And England is an island; therefore the Latin tongue, introduced by the +Roman colonists, must have remained unchanged also. For my own part, I +own I have no patience with this degradation of the hallowed traditions +of our school-days to the level of languages which can be got up in +_Ollendorff_ and fluently pattered by couriers and waiters. "Wenny, +weedy, weaky." Good gracious! Is that the language of a conquering, +masterful race? The matter does not admit of serious argument. + + Yours, wondering what next, ONE OF THE OLD SCHOOL. + + * * * * * + +THE LAST OF THE GO-HE-CANS.--The _Times_ for November 1, in giving a +list of the Masters of Foxhounds, mentioned the Rev. E. M. REYNOLDS as +"the only clergyman who can append M.F.H. to his name." Of course this +does not mean that no other clergyman "can" do so, or the Clergy would +indeed be an uneducated set, but that the Rev. E. M. REYNOLDS is the +only successor of the Rev. JACK RUSSELL who has the right to append +M.F.H. to his name. How often does his pack meet? Is it _Reynolds's +Weekly_? If the hounds are a trifle mixed, it may be known as +_Reynolds's Miscellany_. + + * * * + +Captain STOKES, who peremptorily ordered Mr. O'BRIEN off to prison, +seems to be the sort of a man that CHARLES DICKENS described as a +"Harbitrary Gent." Quite a despotic Turk. As the Nationalists call the +Castle Officials "Bashi-Bazouks," let them allude to the gallant Captain +and Magistrate as "STOKES BEY." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: International Punch.] + +INTERNATIONAL ARBITRATION.--Should difficulties ever arrive at this +peaceable solution--(so likely!--ahem!--but always a Bright Dream)--then +there could not be a name of better omen for a representative of British +Interests than "LYON PLAYFAIR." + + * * * + +Trafalgar Square may be "the finest site in the world," but the Mob in +it isn't. + + * * * * * + + A ROW IN THE GALLERY. + +What does it all mean? "Pitch 'em over!" cries Sir COUTTS-LINDSAY of his +"salaried assistants," and perhaps Sir COUTTS would like to pitch +Messrs. COMYNS CARR and C. E. HALLE all over, and make them come out +uncommonly black after the process. But apparently the "salaried +assistants" have thrown over their munificent patron of the Arts, and +turned themselves out. But this is "no new thing," for whenever we have +had the pleasure of meeting Mr. CARR or Mr. HALLE, they have always been +uncommonly well turned out, and not a speck on either of them. Evidently +the CARR has been upset, and HALLE has walked off, showing himself a +"Halle Sloper." The two "salaried assistants" will not go to swell the +ranks of the "Unemployed," and, in order to prevent the re-entrance of +the "salaried assistants," Sir COUTTS now keeps guard at the Gallery +door, armed with a Pike. + + * * * * * + +SUMMARY OF THE ENDACOTT-CASS AFFAIR.--A Miss-take. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HAVING A GOOD TIME. + +_Mamma._ "IT'S VERY LATE, EMILY. HAS ANYBODY TAKEN YOU DOWN TO SUPPER?" + +_Fair Debutante (who has a fine healthy appetite)._ "OH YES, +MAMMA--SEVERAL PEOPLE!"] + + * * * * * + + ALL THE DIFFERENCE. + + No, no! A natural alarm, but needless! + 'Tis true subversive dolts in these sad times + Do call on you to flourish and to feed less, + And hint that pomp and turtle soup are crimes. + The sour fanatics! + Scribblers who'd set the world straight from their attics. + But they will never dare--the dastards, No!-- + To stop the Lord Mayor's Show. + + Your fright, my Lord, 's a pardonable error. + The Proclamation can't apply to you. + No one, I'm sure, can take you for a Terror, + Red, white, or any other tint or hue. + Are you "disorderly"? + No; you within legality's trim-kept border lie; + From touching you even almighty Law + Would shrink with utter awe. + + True you "perambulate the streets." What noddy + Objects? You do not "break into a run," + And as to "terrorising" anybody, + No one could hint at that, except in fun. + "Hooting and yelling" + Are not your vocal habits. WARREN'S belling + The Cat of Anarchy; he'll tell you that. + You are not quite that Cat. + + It's claws are showing, and they may want clipping, + And shindy in the streets is just a pest; + But Law, though lately once or twice found tripping, + Won't interfere with the calm Civic nest. + MATTHEWS seems heedless, + And "shoves his oar in" in a style most needless; + But even he would hardly raise his clutch + The sacred Ninth to touch. + + No, a good rule may have a good exception. + You're popular, pass on! Rowdies and raff + Need raps. Let him in civism adept, shun + The spouter's bawling, and the Bobby's staff. + Mad mobs in Town + Are a vile nuisance that must be put down; + But you're not a "Procession," don't you know,-- + _You_ are--a "Show"! + + * * * * * + + "CHARLES OUR FRIEND." + +Bravo, Sir CHARLES WARREN! The roughs may consider you a Rabid Warren, +but what does that matter to you, or to us, or to any lover of order, +peace, and quietness in this vast Metropolis? You're not a weasel to be +caught napping, and your recent Proclamation is admirable, if its +provisions be only justly and exactly carried out. Your arrangements +too--talking of provisions--for housing the houseless, seem to be +remarkably judicious. _Mr. Punch_ trusts that the Processions which you +mention, and "the wandering bands perambulating the streets," which you +are going to consider as disorderly, will be taken to include those +disturbers of our Sunday Quiet, calling themselves Members of the +Salvation Army, who, it is to be hoped, in every district wherever their +presence is not welcome to a majority of the respectable residents, will +be summarily dispersed and their noise stopped. On working days let +perambulating bands come out for air and exercise, only let them take +care that their "air" be always in tune. That schools and clubs should +have their bands is an excellent thing. But there are six days in the +week for noise, and the Salvationists can let us have our Sunday in +peace. _Mr. Punch_ is all for freedom of speech, and so he speaks out +freely. He is all for the liberty of the subject, but the subject must +remember that he is a subject, and _Mr. Punch_ takes the liberty to +remind him of it. At the meeting of real working men of business to +protest against these meetings in Trafalgar Square, Mr. FREDERICK GORDON +spoke up for his Metropole-itan interests in Grand style. The HOME +SECRETARY, it is to be hoped, carefully pondered the speeches of these +practical gentlemen. Mr. ATTENBOROUGH, too,--"O, my prophetic soul, my +uncle!"--gave distinct evidence of the injury done to trade in and about +Trafalgar Square. The Rev. Mr. KITTO moved a resolution, and Mr. +BIDDULPH seconded it, + + Saying ditto + To Mr. KITTO. + +And _Mr. Punch_ once more expresses his hope that the first Act of next +Session will be one to regulate meetings and processions in and about +London, whereby orderly citizens may enjoy their rights undisturbed. +Trafalgar Square and all our great thoroughfares should be "proclaimed +districts," as regards the loafers, roughs, and rowdies whose object is +plunder, and whose end is--or, at least, should be--punishment. + + =Punch.= + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALL THE DIFFERENCE. + +LORD MAYOR. "EH!--WHAT!--PROCESSIONS!--WHY----" + +SIR C. WARREN. "OH, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, MY LORD,--YOU'RE NOT A +'PROCESSION'--YOU'RE A 'SHOW.' _YOU_ WON'T 'TERRORISE THE +INHABITANTS'!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NOBLESSE OBLIGE." + +_Old Friend._ "HULLO, DICK! HOW ARE YOU? I WISH YOU'D COME AND DINE WITH +ME TO-NIGHT. BUT NOW YOU'RE A LORD, I SUPPOSE I MUSTN'T CALL YOU DICK +ANY LONGER, OR EVEN ASK YOU TO DINNER?" + +_Noble Earl (who has just come into his Title)._ "LORD BE BLOWED! LEND +ME A FIVER, AND YOU MAY CALL ME WHAT YOU LIKE--AND I'LL DINE WITH YOU +INTO THE BARGAIN!"] + + * * * * * + + SCARLETINA AT TRURO. + +The aesthetic Archbishop BENSON has an eye for colour. At Truro, the +_Times_ report says, "he wore his scarlet robe and train, which, as he +moved from place to place in the Cathedral"--very restless of him, by +the way--"was upborne by two little acolytes clad in scarlet cassocks +and dainty surplices of lawn, and wearing tiny scarlet caps upon their +heads." The Archbishop is the big scarlet, and the tiny acolytes might +be called the scarletini. And to think that years ago this sudden +outbreak of archiepiscopal brilliancy would have been inveighed against +as trifling with the "Scarlet Lady." H.R.H. made an excellent speech on +the occasion, and, with the effect of colour still in his memory, he +could not resist reminding the aesthetic Dr. BENSON that "seven years and +a half ago"--nothing like being exact--"he (H.R.H.) was enabled to lay +the foundation stone of this Cathedral with Masonic honours." +"Archbishop in scarlet, forsooth! scarlet tiny acolytes!" (such was +evidently the rebuke conveyed in H.R.H.'s speech)--"you should just see +Me as Most Worshipful Grand Master, with my Wardens, Deacons, Chaplains, +and Tylers! Why, in comparison with that blaze of splendour, you and +your scarlet are nowhere. However, Ladies and Gentlemen, I came here on +this occasion, not 'to oblige BENSON,' but to visit this ancient Duchy +in my popular character of Duke of CORNWALL. _Au revoir._" + + * * * * * + +Monsignor PERSICO, _Truth_ says, stayed with Archbishop CROKE, and dined +with the witty and popular Father JAMES HEALY, P.P. of Little Bray. +Well, Monsignor PERSICO must have heard a great deal of croke-ing, but +let us hope he has got some remedies for healy-ing the wounds of the +distressful country from _Mr. Punch's_ good friend, Father JAMES, of +Little Bray, and precious little bray about him. + + * * * * * + + A MYSTERIOUS PAPER. + +The near approach of Christmas, with its fireside stories, has suggested +the following list of questions for examination that may be put to +himself by any intending _raconteur_. As he may be sure that if he can +tackle them satisfactorily he will be able effectually to enchain any +family circle he may come across during the coming festive season, he +may be safely recommended to go at them in all confidence:-- + +1. What is a "spook"? Have you ever met one in society? Define +"telepathy." Can you send a "telepathigram"? If so, do you think it +would cost more than a halfpenny a word? + +2. Write a short biographical notice of Messrs. MYERS AND GURNEY. State +which of the two you would rather be, and give, if you can, your reasons +for your answer. + +3. Furnish a brief abstract, that must not exceed 300 pages, of their +joint work, _Phantasms of the Living_. What would be the present price +of the two volumes on MUDIE'S Second-hand List? + +4. A certain Mr. BROWN knew a Captain JONES, who knew a Major ROBINSON, +who one night sitting at Mess at a hill-station in the Central Provinces +of India, thought he saw a figure on the verandah and felt a sudden dig +in the side as if somebody had pushed him with his elbow. He had been +mixing his wines rather freely, but turning to his neighbour, he said, +"I am almost sure something has happened to my Uncle JAMES." He +subsequently wrote a dozen letters to England on the subject, but could +never get any answer; and to this day, though his Uncle JAMES is known +to be alive and quite well, the matter remains a mystery. To what class +of "inconsequent warnings" could you refer this experience? + +5. At Bansbury House, Buckinghamshire, a phantom omnibus full inside and +out of headless passengers, drives three times round the central +grass-plot on the eve of the day on which the heir orders a new +dress-coat. Account for this, if you can, and compare it with the +reported apparition of the famous luminous elephant said to be visible +to the Lairds of Glenhuish whenever the amount of their butcher's-book +reaches the sum of L20. + +6. Detail the circumstances that are said to explain the curious conduct +of the celebrated little old man in the bagwig and faded blue velvet +coat, that haunts the principal guest bedchamber at Tokenhouse Manor. To +what is he supposed to refer when after mournfully shaking his head +three times he says, "It's the mustard that did it!" Examine this, and +give some reasons to account for the fact that he invariably disappears +in the linen cupboard. + +7. Give the various popular versions of the secret which imparted at +Rheums Castle to (1) the heir, on his attaining his majority, (2) the +family butler, and (3) a select circle of intimate friends who may have +chanced to attend on the occasion regarding the matter as an excellent +joke, instantly turns their hair white, causes them to look thirty years +older, and makes them talk in whispers, and wear an expression of +melancholy terror for the rest of their lives. + +8. The hall of a well-known modern villa at Brixton is haunted by the +spectre of a coal-heaver, who carries his head under his arm; and, +whenever it is opened, he is visible on the mat, just inside the front +door. Tradesmen, therefore, calling with their accounts, rush away, +terror-stricken, without waiting for payment, and visitors coming to +five o'clock tea are carried off in violent hysterics to the nearest +chemist's. As the landlord cannot induce any bailiffs to cross the +threshold, the tenant who is, notwithstanding their ghastly condition, +quite cheerful on the premises, is several quarters in arrear with his +rent. State, under the circumstances, what proceedings, if any, you +would take to "lay" the ghost. + +9. It is well known that the celebrated gallery at Bingham Place, +Somersetshire, is haunted, after midnight, by the apparition of a knight +in full armour, who heralds his approach by the clanking of chains and +cannon-balls, and who, after flinging about the boots and hot-water cans +standing at the doors of the various guest-chambers, tumbles +head-over-heels down-stairs, shrieking the refrain of a thirteenth +century hunting-chorus, and having thoroughly awakened everybody +sleeping on the premises, finally disappears with a loud unearthly wail, +in the butler's pantry. State what you think would be the probable +result of waiting for the appearance of this spectre, and then suddenly +hitting it hard over the knees with a cricket-bat. + +10. Give the story of the well-known "haunted house" in Belgrave Square. +How would the unconscious tenant who had taken it furnished be likely to +account for the punctual appearance, at half-past nine every evening, +among his guests in the back drawing-room, of the eyeless baronet, in a +dressing-gown, dragging the two elderly females by the hair of their +heads about in a deadly struggle, and, after continuing it for +three-quarters of an hour, ultimately vanishing, as if exhausted, +apparently into the grand piano? Would you advise him to take his guests +into his confidence, and apologise for the intrusion, or pretend to +notice nothing unusual in the phenomenon, and simply ignore it? Examine +the situation, and conclude your paper by dealing with it in the shape +of a short essay on "the position of the Ghost considered in relation to +Society." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "LUXURY." + +(_According to the latest Edition of "Knight Thoughts."_) + +_Alderman (to his Guest, after a good dinner)._ "'ELP Y'SHELF! RECOLLEC' +EVERY BO'LE O' CHAMPAGNE WE DRINK, PROVI'SH EMPLOYMENT FOR THE WORKIN' +CLASSHESH!!"] + + * * * * * + + AT HAWARDEN. + + "Mr. GLADSTONE gave Earl SPENCER and Earl GRANVILLE a specimen + of his skill with the axe yesterday. With Mr. HERBERT GLADSTONE + to assist him, the Right Honourable gentleman, stripped to his + waist, attacked a tree in most vigorous fashion!"--_Times_, + Nov. 4. + + Said SPENCER to GRANVILLE, + "Like strokes on an anvil." + Said GRANVILLE to SPENCER, + "He'll catch influenza." + Young HERBERT, brow mopping, + Cried, "Letter from Dopping!" + Growled GLADSTONE, not stopping + In chopping, "Blow Dopping!" + And so went on lopping. + + * * * * * + +"REFUSAL TO PAY A LEVY IN IRELAND."--This was what Mrs. RAM saw as the +heading of a paragraph in an evening paper. "Well," said the good lady, +"if they won't pay a LEVY, why not send a MOSES, and see if _he_ will +get it." + + * * * + + The Plentiful Lac. + + [The Rajah of Kupurthala, emulating the Nizam, has offered five + lacs towards the defence of the frontiers of India.] + + The Laureate, patriot of sense, + Writes with a pungent pen + Of "That eternal lack of pence + Which vexeth public men." + But India's public men, with pride, + In Princes such as these, + Will find their "lack of pence" supplied + By--a lac of rupees! + + * * * * * + + VOCES POPULI. + + SCENE--_The Thames Embankment. Crowd discovered, waiting for + Lord Mayor's Show._ + +_Female Pleasure-seeker (whose temper is apt to be a little uncertain on +these occasions, to her husband)._ We ought to have started at _least_ +an hour earlier--just look at the number of people here already! You +_would_ dawdle--and it wasn't for want of speaking to, _I'm_ sure! + +_Her Husband (mildly)._ It certainly was _not_. Only, as the Show can't +possibly pass for two hours, at least---- + +_She._ _Two hours!_ Am I to stand about in this crowd all _that_ time? + +_He (with a feeble jocularity)._ Unless you prefer to climb a tree. + +_She._ Then, John, all I can say is, I wish I had stayed at home! (_John +murmurs a silent, but fervent assent._) + +_A Practical Pleasure-seeker._ Now I tell you what we'll _do_, +MARIA--you take WEETIE, and keep close to me, and I'll look after +DUGGIE, and we'll just stroll comfortably up and down till the very last +minute, and drop comfortably into front places, and there we are! + +_Patriotic P._ What I like about occasions like this, is the spectacle +of a thoroughly good-humoured, well-behaved British crowd--you don't see +that on the _Continent_, y'know! + +_More Patriotic P. (thoughtfully)._ No, that's perfectly true; and what +I say is--we don't want all these police about. Trust more to the +general spirit of decency and order--let the people feel they _are_ +trusted! + +_A Socialist._ Ah, you're right. Did you year what one of the Orators +said in the Square the other afternoon? He told 'em Sir CHARLES would +'ave to be as wide awake as what he was 'imself, to prevent a Unemployed +Demonstration to-day. "Let him remember," says he, "it's in our power to +do that within arf a mile of the Mansion House, which would make the +'ole civilised world ring with 'orror," he says. And it's men like that +as they're trying to silence and intimerdate! + +_The P. P.'s (edging away a little nervously, to one another)._ Well, I +hope the Police are keeping a sharp look-out. I--I don't seem to see so +many about as usual, eh? + +_A Speculator_ (with two tubs and a board) to Female P._ 'Ere you are, +lydy, hony two shellin' fur a fust-rate stand--you won't see no better +if you was to pay a suvring! + +_Female P._ You may say what you _like_, but I'm not going to tramp +about any longer, and if you're so mean as to grudge two shillings--why, +I can pay for myself! + +_Husb._ Oh, hang it--get up if you want to! + +_The Practical P._ Well, MARIA, it's no use worrying _now_--we must go +and ask at the Police-Stations afterwards--it was a mistake to bring +them! + +_The Patriotic P._ Of course one is _told_ there's a good deal of rough +horse-play on these occasions, but anything more entirely---- + + [_A "larrikin" comes up behind and "bashes" his hat in; a + string of playful youths seize each other by the waist and rush + in single file through crowd, upsetting everybody in their way; + both the_ Patriotic Pleasure-seekers _go home by the + Underground, without waiting for the Procession_. + +_The Female P. (on the stand)._ JOHN, I'm sure this board isn't safe. We +should see ever so much better on one of those carts--they're only +asking sixpence, JOHN. You _are_ the worst person to come out with--you +never give yourself the smallest trouble--I have to do it all! _You_ can +stop here if you choose, _I'm_ going to get into one of those carts! +[_She and_ JOHN _descend, and mount upon a coal-cart which is being +driven slowly along the route_. + +_Later; Procession approaching, distant music._ + +_Crowd (jumping up and down like "skip-jacks" to see better)._ 'Ere they +are, they're coming! + + [_The way is cleared by trotting mounted Constables._ + +_Stout Lady._ Well, if I wanted to faint ever so, I couldn't now--where +are you, my dear? + +_Another Stout Lady (cheerfully)._ I'm all right, Mrs. PORTER, Mum. I've +got tight 'old of this nice young Perliceman's belt--don't you fret +yourself about me! + +_Experienced Sightseer (catching hold of little_ DUGGIE _and placing him +in front, then pushing forward_). Make room for this little boy, will +you, please, I want him to see. + +_Crowd good-naturedly make way, affording unimpeded view of procession +to_ DUGGIE--_and the_ Experienced Sightseer, _who troubles himself no +further_. + +_A Superior Sightseer._ To think of the traffic of the first city in the +world being stopped for this contemptible tomfoolery! + + [_Fights hard for a front place._ + + _Procession passing._ + +_Impertinent Female (to gorgeous Coachman)._ 'Ow you _'ave_ altered! + +_Well-informed Person (pointing out City Marshal)._ That's Sir CHARLES, +that is! + +_Unemployed (smarting with sense of recent wrongs)._ Yah, toirant! + + [_The C. M. beams with gratification._ + +_Open carriages pass, containing Aldermen in tall hats and fur-coats._ + +_Critical Crowd._ Brush yer 'ats! There's a nose! Oh, ain't he bin +'avin' a go at the sherry afore he started, neither! 'Ere comes old "Sir +BEN"--that's 'im in the white pot 'at! + + [_They cheer_ Sir BEN--_without, however, any clear notion why_. + + _Allegorical Cars pass._ + +_Crowd._ Don't they look chilly up there! 'Old on to your globe, Sir! +Don't ketch cold in them tights, Miss! They've run up agin somethink, +that lot 'ave. See where it's all bent in--eh? + + _Lord Mayor's Coach passes._ + +_Crowd._ 'Ooray! That's 'im with the muff on. No, it ain't, yer soft +'ed! It's 'im in the feathered 'at a-layin' back. Whoy don't yer let 'im +set on yer lap, Guv'nor? &c., &c. + + _A block. Lady Mayoress's Coach stopping._ + +_Crowd._ There's dresses! They must ha' cost a tidy penny! + +_Agitator._ Wrung out of the pockets of the poor working-man! _I'd_ +dress 'em, I would! Why should sech as you and me keep the likes +o' them in laziness? If we 'ad our rights, it's _us_ as 'ud be riding in +their places! + +_Artisan (after a glance at him)._ Dunno as the Show'd be much the +prettier to look at for _that_, mate. + + _After the Procession._ + +_Practical Pleasure-seeker (who has been pushed into a back row, and +seen nothing but the banners, to_ DUGGIE _and_ WEETIE, _miraculously +recovered_). Thank Heaven, they're found! Children, let this be a +lesson to you in future never to----What? Seen the Show beautifully, +have you? (_Boiling over._) Oh, very well--wait till I get you +home! + +_The Female P._ Now, don't say another word, JOHN,--anyone but +an _idiot_ would have _known_ that that cart would be turned down a +back-street! If I hadn't _insisted_ on getting out when I did, we +should have missed the Show altogether. Policeman, is the Show +ever coming? Shall we get a good view from here? + +_Policeman._ Capital view, Mum--if you don't mind waiting till +next November! [_Tableau. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 53. +THE FIRST MEET OF THE SEASON.] + + * * * * * + + The Ingratitude of Grandolph. + + Many terrible things have our patriots seen; + They have seen their dear DIZZY extending the suffrage, + And versatile GLADSTONE a-wearing the Green, + And HARCOURT defending Home Rule and the rough-rage; + And Disintegration approaching our realm, + And Rads--so they fancy--inviting invaders; + But that which their souls must with woe most o'erwhelm + Is--Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL a-chaffing Fair Traders! + + * * * + +"'_Jam' satis,_" as our Schoolmaster had just breath enough to +murmur when he escaped from out of the midst of a Socialist Meeting +in Trafalgar Square. + + * * * + +Unfortunately, the great enemy of the Teetotal Temperance Societies +is--the British "Public." + + * * * * * + + MANNERS AND CUSTOMS OF THE CITY OF LONDON. + +(_A Contribution towards a Future History, by Macaulay Stiggins, C. C._) + +[Illustration] + +The LORD MAYOR was the first Privy Councillor created, and has remained +so ever since that auspicious event. On the death of the Monarch, he +presides at the meeting that is immediately summoned, and appoints the +new Cabinet, generally from the members of the late Government, but on +one memorable occasion he appointed all the members of the Court of +Aldermen who had passed the Chair, and although they were afterwards +induced to resign, it was noticed that during their short administration +matters went on much as usual. This was called the Cabinet of Absolute +Wisdom, after Alderman WOOD, the Prime Minister, who was the First Lord +of the Treasury who ever left more in it than he found there. His +beautiful daughter, MARIA, was the reigning Toast of those hard-drinking +days, and gave her well-known name to the magnificent City Barge that +periodically conveys the City Fathers, together with the City Mothers, +on their several important inspections of the Silver Thames, in the +neighbourhood of Richmond and Twickenham. The matters they have to +discuss on these occasions are of so weighty a nature that they are +compelled to have five or six horses to draw them. On one occasion, and +one only, they managed to get as far as Oxford, an account of which +celebrated voyage was written by the Lord Mayor's Chaplain of the time, +under the title of "Alderman WENABLES' Woyage to Hoxford," a copy of +which is still preserved in the Bodleian, among their most cherished +treasures, and can only be seen on special application, as fabulous sums +have been offered by the Court of Aldermen for its destruction, it being +the only copy that escaped when the whole edition was ordered to be +bought up and destroyed. This unique volume is said to contain such +astounding revelations as must be seen to be believed, and would +possibly not be believed even then. + +Before the newly-elected Lord Mayor is sworn in, he has to produce a +Certificate from a Wine Merchant, "residinge in ye Cittye," and a +Freeman of the Vintners' Company, that he has placed in the capacious +Cellar at the Mansion House, provided for that purpose, ten Tuns, or one +thousand dozen of good wine, for the year's consumption, and whatever is +left, _if any_, is distributed among the Royal Hospitals, the quantity +being carefully recorded by the learned Recorder, which record is placed +under the control of the equally learned Comptroller, and remains for +all time, as a witness to the liberality or stinginess of the Right +Honourable the Lord Mayor of that particular year. + +The Sheriffs are the most ancient officers of the Corporation, having +been first elected in the reign of King NEBUCHADNEZZAR. A singular +custom still prevails, originating, it is said, in their association +with the grass-eating monarch. They are entitled, by virtue of their +office, to the first six bundles of sparrow-grass--as it was originally +spelt, and is still called by Members of the Corporation--that are +brought into Covent Garden Market: and his Grace the Duke of BEDFORD is +always courteously invited to partake of it, at a sumptuous banquet +called "the Grass Festival." (_Vide Stow_, cap. 23 of BELL'S ed.) + +The City Marshal was formerly a personage of great importance, being in +fact of the same rank as a Field Marshal, the only difference being that +one acted in the City and the other in the Field, whence their names. +The City Marshal was the City Champion, and always rode into Guildhall, +fully armed, on Lord Mayor's Day, at the commencement of the Banquet, +and, throwing down a glove, dared anyone to mortal combat who disputed +the rights of the Lord Mayor. If no one accepted his challenge, he +quaffed a flagon of sack to his Lordship's health, and then cleverly and +gracefully backed out of the Hall. It is recorded that on one occasion +his challenge was accepted by a gallant Common Councilman who had been +fulfilling the important duties of Wine-taster, and who, when called +upon to name time and place for the deadly encounter, said, in the +memorable words of the great ALFRED, "Here and now!" which so astonished +the Champion that he pleaded sudden indisposition, and withdrew. The +custom has since been discontinued. The gallant Common Councilman was +made Deputy of the Ward of Port-soaken. + +In ancient times the LORD MAYOR, as every one knows, had a Fool all to +himself, and he was the only Fool permitted in the City. The appointment +was open to all by competitive examination. On the occasion of a LORD +MAYOR making a Fool of himself the office was abolished by the Common +Council from motives of economy. In memory of this ancient privilege the +LORD MAYOR once in the season has a fool--a gooseberry fool--all to +himself. + + * * * * * + + A NAPPY HOLIDAY. + +[Illustration: Going Nap.] + +_Any Time in August._--Just been reading capital article in _Nineteenth +Century_, by Dr. JAMES MUIR HOWIE, on the "Nerve Rest-Cure," which +says--"For those who cannot get a sufficient holiday, the best +substitute is an occasional day in bed." Why not several days in bed? In +fact one's whole summer holiday? "Better than climbing toilsome +mountains," he remarks. Quite so--and much better than toilsome trip to +Ramsgate with one's whole family in tow. (Think of the Old Woman who +lived in a Shoe. _She_ had all her family in _toe_. Laugh feebly at my +own joke. Really my nerves must be _very_ bad.) Best feature of new +holiday plan, however, is its _cheapness_. Was quite at a loss how to +afford our annual trip till HOWIE came to rescue with his "(y)early to +bed" cure. Announce to family that I intend following Dr. HOWIE'S +advice. Family seems too stupefied to say anything. + +_Evening._--Family has found its voice. Protests unanimously and quite +fiercely against new holiday plan. Wife "sure I can afford trip to +sea-side." If not, _where_ does my money go to? Argument forcible, but +unpleasant. + +_First Day._--Holiday begins. Sleep till 11 A.M. Scrumpshous! Should +have slept longer, but two hurdy-gurdies stop outside, playing different +airs. Not only murder the tunes, but "murder sleep" as well. Listen for +ten minutes--nerves terribly shaky. Oughtn't to get out of bed, HOWIE +says, but must. See my eldest boy, HENRY, giving Italian fiends money! +What does this unwonted generosity mean? + +_Afternoon._--Dinner in bed not a success. Everything underdone. Tell +wife. She says, "Cook and servants in bad tempers; thought we were all +going to Ramsgate, and they would have rest." Rest means clandestine +kitchen parties. Feel angry--bad for nerves, but can't help it. Sleep +impossible, as bed full of crumbs. Wonder HOWIE didn't think of this. +Send HENRY for evening paper--perhaps it will soothe me. + +It doesn't. He brings back one three days old. Says shopman gave it him! +Send him again, and shop closed for night. Nerves actually _worse than +ever_. + +_Second Day._--Had disturbed night, owing to lack of my usual exercise +yesterday. Still must stick to HOWIE'S prescription. Terrific row in +house. Wife comes up after breakfast (in tears) to say children, +deprived of sea-side trip, are ungovernable; pretend to be buffaloes and +Cowboys _in drawing-room_! Already two valuable vases wrecked. Hang the +children! Hang Colonel CODY too! Still even paying for new vases cheaper +than Ramsgate lodgings. Read morning paper. Just dropping off to sleep +over somebody's important speech on Ireland, when---- + +_Three_ hurdy-gurdies outside! Rush to window, open it, and bid men +avaunt. They won't avaunt. Say "they've been ordered to come every +morning for a month by the young gent." This must be HENRY'S "Plan of +Campaign." Send for him, and find he has prudently gone out. Nothing for +it but to stuff cotton-wool into ears till men go. Cotton-wool in ears +for a whole hour _shatters_ nerves. + +_Third Day._--Much worse. Though I've given strict orders that no +letters or bills are to be sent up to my bed-room, find Tax-Collector's +little "Demand-Note" wrapped in fold of morning paper! Annoyed. Perhaps, +after all, HOWIE wrong. Hullo! what's that? Somebody on my window-sill! +Burglars? No, can't be. How bad all this is for my nerves. Spring up in +time to see HENRY disappearing down rope-ladder, which he and his +brothers have let down from roof. How horribly dangerous! Ring +violently. Hear heavy thud in garden. Talk of "Nerve Rest-Cure"--rest of +my nerves gone long ago, none left to be cured. + +Wife (in tears again--awfully bad for nerves this) says the thud was not +HENRY falling; boys have pulled down part of chimney, which has smashed +the front steps--that's all. She suggests that perhaps, after all, this +holiday plan in bed is not so good as---- + +_Five hurdy-gurdies_ to-day! Maddening! Hired by HENRY, wife says. Send +_him_ to bed for whole day; we'll see how he likes "Rest-Cure" for _his_ +nerves. Get up gloomily, dress, and go downstairs. Pitch _Nineteenth +Century_ into waste-paper basket. Feel nerves better after it. Decide on +Ramsgate, as usual, and so ends my holiday in bed--my "Sleepy Hollow" +day! + + * * * * * + + [Illustration] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or + Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or + Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not + even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, + Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + +Transcriber Notes: + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the document, the oe ligature was replaced with "oe". + +Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is. + +The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. + +Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +93, Nov. 11, 1887, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 39315.txt or 39315.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/3/1/39315/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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