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+.. -*- encoding: utf-8 -*-
+
+.. meta::
+   :PG.Id: 39119
+   :PG.Title: Satires And Profanities
+   :PG.Released: 2012-03-12
+   :PG.Rights: Public Domain
+   :PG.Producer: David Widger
+   :DC.Creator: James Thomson
+   :DC.Creator: G. W. Foote
+   :DC.Title: Satires And Profanities
+   :DC.Language: en
+   :DC.Created: 1884
+
+
+
+.. role:: smallit
+   :class: small italics
+
+.. role:: xlarge-bold
+   :class: x-large bold
+
+.. role:: small-caps
+     :class: small-caps
+
+
+
+
+
+=======================
+SATIRES AND PROFANITIES
+=======================
+
+.. pgheader::
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+.. class:: center
+
+   | :xlarge-bold:`SATIRES AND PROFANITIES`
+   |
+   |
+   | `By`
+   |
+   | :xlarge-bold:`James Thomson`
+   |
+   | :small-caps:`With a Preface by G. W. Foote`
+   |
+   | :smallit:`London`
+   |
+   | :small-caps:`1884`
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+
+
+
+.. contents:: CONTENTS
+   :depth: 1
+   :backlinks: entry
+
+
+
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+PREFACE
+=======
+
+.. dropcap:: B Believing
+
+Believing as I do that James Thomson is, since Shelley, the most
+brilliant genius who has wielded a pen in the service of Freethought,
+I take a natural pride and pleasure in rescuing the following articles
+from burial in the great mausoleum of the periodical press. There will
+doubtless be a diversity of opinion as to their value. One critic,
+for instance, has called “The Story of a Famous Old Jewish Firm”
+a witless squib; but, on the other hand, the late Professor Clifford
+considered it a piece of exquisite mordant satire worthy of Swift. Such
+differences are inevitable from the very nature of the subject. Satire,
+more than any other form of composition, rouses antipathy where it does
+not command applause; and the greater the satire, the more intense are
+the feelings it excites.
+
+But which side, it may be inquired, is likely to be the best judge?
+Surely the friendly one. Sympathy is requisite to insight, as Carlyle
+says; while hostility blinds us to a thousand virtues and beauties. I am
+aware that many will take objection to the employment of satire at
+all, whether good or bad, on religious topics; but this seems to me
+preposterous, and I should readily answer it, if Thomson had not done so
+himself in the most vigorous and triumphant manner.
+
+Nearly all the pieces in this volume appeared originally in the National
+Reformer or the Secularist. I have attempted no arrangement of them, not
+even a chronological one; the compositor has shuffled them at his own
+sweet will. All I have done, besides collecting them and carefully
+reading the proofs, is to indicate in each case the year of first
+publication; and I think the reader will approve this plan as both
+modest and sensible.
+
+I am much mistaken if this volume does not become a well-prized treasure
+to many Freethinkers; that it will ever be valued by the general public
+I dare not hope. Yet the number of its admirers will increase with the
+growth of a healthy scepticism. It will not fall like a bombshell
+among ordinary readers, who serenely ignore the most terrible mental
+explosives, and render them comparatively innocuous by mere force of
+neglect; but it will startle and stimulate some minds, and in time its
+influence will extend to many more.
+
+What value Thomson placed on these pieces it is difficult to decide.
+“Working off the talent,” he once remarked when I mentioned them.
+But the fact remains that he allowed one or two of them to be reprinted
+as pamphlets before any of his poems were collected in a volume. He
+naturally cared more for his poems than for his prose. What poet ever
+did the contrary? But even for these he cared little, except “The City
+of Dreadful Night” and a few others, which expressed his profoundest
+convictions.
+
+There were several articles in his “Essays and Phantasies” that
+proved Thomson to be a born satirist as well as a born poet; notably
+“Proposals for the Speedy Extinction of Evil and Misery,” a
+tremendous display of sustained irony, to my mind unsurpassed even by
+Swift at his greatest, and with a poetic grandeur quite beyond him. The
+contents of this volume show marks of the same strong hand. There is
+never, perhaps, so continuous an exertion of power; but there is more
+versatility, more freedom, and often more abandon. I fancy, too, there
+is more rapidity and suppleness, and I am sure there is more mirth.
+
+Thomson’s satire was always bitterest, or at any rate most trenchant,
+when it dealt with Religion, which he considered a disease of the mind,
+engendered by folly and fostered by ignorance and vanity. He saw that
+spiritual superstition not only diverts men from Truth, but induces
+a slavish stupidity of mind, and prepares the way for every form of
+political and social injustice. He was an Atheist first and a Republican
+afterwards. He derided the idea of making a true Republic of a
+population besotted with religion, paralysed by creeds cringing to the
+agents of their servitude, and clinging to the chains that enthral them.
+
+A few words only as to Thomson’s life. Outwardly it was singularly
+uneventful, although inwardly it was intense and exciting. He was bom at
+Port Glasgow, on the 23rd of November, 1834; and he died in London, on
+the 1st of June 1882. His father was a merchant captain, and his mother
+a zealous Irvingite. Left parentless in his infancy, he was educated at
+the Caledonian Orphan Asylum. For some years he served as a schoolmaster
+in the army, during which time he contracted an intimate friendship with
+Mr. Bradlaugh, with whom he subsequently worked and lived in London.
+Soon after leaving Mr. Bradlaugh he devoted himself to journalism, to
+which he brought a well-practised pen; contributing to the *National
+Reformer, the Secularist, the Liberal, Cope’s Tobacco Plant*, and other
+periodicals. Shortly before his death he gained access to the *Weekly
+Dispatch* and the *Fortnightly Review*. His poems and essays were mostly
+written before he tried to live by his pen. Four volumes of these have
+been published by Reeves and Turner, under the generous editorship of
+Mr. Bertram Dobell, who has prefixed a memoir to the last, entitled
+“A Voice from the Nile and Other Poems.” Besides the five volumes
+of Thomson’s writings now before the public, there are many essays and
+articles and a few poems still uncollected, some of them of high value;
+and many poems in manuscript, unknown to all but a few privileged
+friends. Mr. Dobell hopes to publish them all in time. Thomson’s
+poetical reputation is, however, already established. The best judges
+give him the highest praise. My own judgment assigns him the next place
+to Robert Browning. Of course it is no blasphemy to dispute my estimate;
+but what prospect is there of reversing the common verdict of George
+Eliot, George Meredith, Swinburne, and Rossetti?
+
+Mr. Dobell refers to the charm of Thomson’s manner in social
+intercourse. His personal appearance told in his favor. He was of
+the medium height, well-built, and active. He possessed that striking
+characteristic sometimes found in mixed races—black hair and beard,
+and grey-blue eyes. The eyes were fine and wonderfully expressive. They
+were full of shifting light, soft grey in some moods and deep blue in
+others. They contained depth within depth; and when he was moved by
+strong passion they widened and flashed with magnetic power. When not
+suffering from depression he was the life of the company. He was the
+most brilliant talker I ever met, and at home in all societies; a fine
+companion in a day’s walk, and a shining figure at the festive table
+or in the social drawing-room. But you enjoyed his conversation most
+when you sat with him alone, taking occasional draughts of our national
+beverage, and constantly burning “the divine weed.”
+
+Thomson’s sympathy with radical and revolutionary causes is not much
+noticed by Mr. Dobell, but it was very strong. He was secretary for some
+time to the Polish Committee in London, and his glorious lines on “A
+Polish Insurgent” which I for one can never read without tears, proves
+that he might have written the noble songs that George Eliot hoped
+he would compose. He sympathised with all self-sacrifice, all lofty
+aspiration, and in particular with all suffering. This last emotion
+was often betrayed by a look rather than expressed in words. I vividly
+remember being with him once on a popular holiday at the Alexandra
+Palace. We were seated on the grass, watching the shifting groups of
+happy forms, and exchanging appreciative or satirical remarks. Suddenly
+I observed my companion’s gaze fixed on a youth who limped by with
+a pleasant smile on his face, but too obviously beyond hope of ever
+sharing in the full enjoyment of life. Thomson’s eyes followed him
+until he passed out of sight, and the next moment our eyes met. I shall
+never forget the gentle sadness of that look, its beautiful sympathy
+that transcended speech, and made all words poor.
+
+Thomson’s life was a long tragedy. He inherited from his father a
+fatal curse, and in his youth he lost the beautiful girl to whom he was
+engaged. She was the object of his passionate adoration, and allusions
+to her often occur in his poems. Her image mingled with all the sombre
+panoramas of Love and Death and Grief that passed before the eyes of
+his imagination. Yet I do not agree with Mr. Dobell in regarding this
+bereavement as the *cause* of his life-long misery. She was, I hold,
+merely the peg on which he hung his raiment of sorrow; without her,
+another object might have served the same purpose. He carried within
+him his proper curse, constitutional melancholia. From long and careful
+observation I formed this conclusion, and it explains Thomson’s life
+and philosophy. I would not dogmatise, however; for the profundities and
+subtleties of the human heart baffle all calculation. Certitude is
+now impossible. The seal of eternal silence is set on Thomson’s
+lips—“after life’s fitful fever he sleeps well.” He is buried
+at Highgate, and his darling lies, I suspect, in an unknown grave.
+Death has at last united them, but their love survives in the glory of
+immortal song.
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+THE DEVIL IN THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND
+==================================
+(1876.)
+
+
+.. dropcap:: T The
+
+The Judicial Committee of the Privy Council has delivered judgment
+in the case of Jenkins v. Cook. Many of the highest personages in the
+realm, including the Archbishop of Canterbury and the great law-lords,
+were present to give weight and solemnity to the decision, which was
+read by the Lord Chancellor. It was reported at full length in the
+*Times* of the following day, Feb. 17, 1876, the length being two
+columns of small print.
+
+I must try to indicate briefly the main facts of the case, before
+hazarding any comments on it. Mr. Jenkins, of Christ Church, Clifton,
+brought an action against his vicar, the Kev. Flavel S. Cook, for
+refusing him the Sacrament of the Holy Communion. Mr. Cook justified the
+refusal on the ground that Mr. Jenkins did not believe in the Devil,
+all passages relating to the Devil and evil spirits having been excluded
+from a bulky volume published by Mr. Jenkins, entitled “Selections
+from the Old and New Testaments.” By the evidence of Mrs. Jenkins, who
+attempted an amicable arrangement, it appears that Mr. Cook said to her:
+“Let Mr. Jenkins write me a calm letter, and say he believes in the
+Devil, and I will give him the Sacrament.” Whereupon Mr. Jenkins wrote
+on July 20, 1874: “With regard to my book, ‘Selections from the Old
+and New Testaments,’ the parts I have omitted, and which has enabled
+me [meaning, doubtless, and the omission of which has enabled me] to
+use the book morning and evening in my family are, in their present
+generally received sense, quite incompatible with region or decency (in
+my opinion). How such ideas have become connected with a book containing
+everything that is necessary for a man to know, I really cannot say; I
+can only sincerely regret it.” Mr. Cook replied in effect: “Then you
+cannot be received at the Lord’s table in my church.” Mr. Jenkins, a
+regular communicant, and admittedly a man of exemplary and devout life,
+answered: “Thinking as you do, I do not see what other course you
+could consistently have taken. I shall, nevertheless, come to the
+Lord’s table as usual at ‘your’ church, which is also mine.”
+Accordingly he presented himself, and was repelled, whereupon he brought
+an action against Mr. Cook.
+
+The case was first tried in the Court of Arches, and the dean dismissed
+the suit and condemned Mr. Jenkins in costs, saying, “I am of opinion
+that the avowed and persistent denial of the existence and personality
+of the Devil did, according to the law of the Church, as expressed in
+her canons and rubrics, constitute the promoter [Mr. Jenkins] ‘an
+evil liver,’ and ‘a depraver of the Book of Common Prayer and
+Administration of the Sacraments,’ in such sense as to warrant the
+defendant in refusing to administer the Holy Communion to him until he
+disavowed or withdrew his avowal of the heretical opinion, and that the
+same consideration applies to the absolute denial by the promoter of the
+doctrine of the eternity of punishment, and, of course, still more to
+the denial of all punishment for sin in a future state, which is the
+legitimate consequence of his deliberate exclusion of the passages of
+scripture referring to such punishment.”
+
+So far, so well; the Church of England was assured of the Devil and the
+eternal punishment it has always held so dear. But Mr. Jenkins appealed
+to the highest court, and this has reversed the decision of the lower,
+admonished Mr. Cook for his conduct in the past, monished him to refrain
+from the like offence in future, and condemned him in the costs of both
+suits. Do you think, then, that the Church of England is authoritatively
+deprived of her dear Devil and her beloved eternal punishment? Not at
+all; the really important problem is evaded with consummate lawyerlike
+wariness; the points in dispute are most shiftily shifted like slides
+of a magic lantern; we have a new decision essentially unrelated to
+that which it cancels; we have a judgment which concerns not the
+Devil—except that he would chuckle over the too clever unwisdom which
+fancies it can extinguish “burning questions” with legal wigs.
+
+Their most learned lordships in the first place observe that the learned
+judge of the Court of Arches appears to have considered that the canon
+and the rubric severally warrant the repulsion from the Lord’s
+table of “an evil liver,” and “a depraver of the Book of Common
+Prayer,” whereas the terms are “an open and notorious evil liver,”
+and “common and notorious depravers.” This is a most pregnant
+distinction, teaching us that an evil liver and a depraver of the said
+book, as long as he is not notoriously such, is fully entitled to
+the Holy Communion, fully entitled to the privilege of “eating and
+drinking damnation to himself?” a privilege from which the notorious
+evil liver and depraver is righteously debarred.
+
+Now, their most learned lordships find that there is absolutely no
+evidence that the appellant was an evil liver, much less an open
+and notorious evil liver. The Question follows, Was he a common and
+notorious depraver of the Book of Common Prayer? It was contended that
+the Selections, coupled with the letter of July 20, proved him to be
+this. But the letter was not written spontaneously. He was invited by
+the respondent, Mr. Cook, to write it. It was a friendly and private,
+as well as a solicited, communication. Therefore, whatever be the
+construction of the letter, and even if there be in it a depravation of
+the Book of Common Prayer, still it would be impossible to hold that the
+writing of such a letter in such circumstances could make the appellant
+“a common and notorious depraver.” Whence it is clear that a man
+may deprave the Book of Common Prayer as much as he pleases in private
+conversation and letters, yet retain the precious privilege of “eating
+and drinking damnation to himself” in the Holy Communion; he can
+only forfeit this by common and notorious depravation of that blessed
+book—for instance, by a depravation repeatedly published in a
+newspaper, or persistently proclaimed by the town-crier.
+
+So far the law seems most clear, and the judgment quite incontestible.
+But leaving the strait limits of the law, and looking at the facts in
+evidence, there is one part of the judgment which to the common lay mind
+is simply astonishing. Their most learned lordships “*desire to state
+in the most emphatic manner that there is not before them any evidence
+that the appellant entertains the doctrines attributed to him by the
+Dean of Arches*;” wherefore their most learned and subtle lordships “do
+not mean to decide that those doctrines are otherwise than inconsistent
+with the formularies of the Church of England.” Nor, of course, do
+they mean to decide that those doctrines *are* inconsistent with, those
+formularies. No, “This is not the subject for their lordships’
+present consideration.” Indeed, “If they were [had been] called
+upon to decide that [whether] those opinions, or any of them, could be
+entertained or expressed by a member of the Church, whether layman or
+clergyman, consistently with the law and with his remaining in communion
+with the Church, they would have looked upon this case with much greater
+anxiety than they now feel in its decision.”
+
+Mr. Jenkins compiles and publishes a book of “Selections from the
+Bible,” carefully excluding all passages relating to the Devil and
+evil spirits. The book is bulky; and, in fact, though this is not
+expressly stated, seems to contain pretty well all the Bible except such
+passages. He further exhibits in the case a book of selections from
+the liturgy of the Church of England, apparently compiled on the same
+principle of exclusion.. Mr. Cook sends through Mrs. J. a message:
+“Let Mr. J. write me a calm letter, and say he believes in the Devil,
+and I will give him the Sacrament.” Mr. J. replies, as we have seen,
+that the parts he has omitted are, in his opinion, quite incompatible
+with religion or decency, *in their generally received sense*; such
+generally received sense being evidently (to all of us save their
+most learned and subtle lordships) that in which the Church of
+England receives them. Mr. C. replies, “Then I must refuse you the
+Communion.” Mr. J. answers, “Thinking as you do, I do not see what
+other course you could con-. sistently have taken;” and resolves to
+test the question of legality. With these facts staring them in the
+face, their most learned and most subtle lordships can, with the utmost
+solemnity, and in the most emphatic manner, declare that there is not
+any evidence before them that Mr. Jenkins does not believe in the Devil
+in the common Church of England sense! What the eyes of laymen, however
+purblind, cannot help seeing clearly, their far-sighted lordships,
+putting on legal spectacles, dim with the dust of many ages, manage not
+to discern at all.
+
+The question cannot be left thus undecided. As matters stand, the poor
+Church does not know whether, legally, it has a Devil or not. Its Devil,
+its dear and precious old Devil, is in a state of suspended animation,
+neither dead nor alive; a most inefficient and burdensome Devil. He must
+either be restored to full health and vigor, or buried away decently
+for ever; decently and solemnly, the Archbishop of Canterbury, in the
+presence of all their lordships of the Judicial Committee of the Privy
+Council, reading the appropriate Church service over his grave. That
+would be touching and impressive!—“Forasmuch as it hath pleased
+Almighty God (with the sanction and authority of the Judicial Committee
+of the Privy Council) of his great mercy to take unto himself the soul
+of our dear brother here departed, we therefore commit his body to
+the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in sure and
+certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life, through our Lord Jesus
+Christ.” At present it appears that every clergyman and layman in the
+Church has the legal right to sing as a solo in private, especially if
+solicited, Beranger’s refrain, “*The Devil is dead! The Devil is
+dead!*” while it is doubtful whether he is at liberty to chant it
+publicly and in chorus—a state of things anomalous beyond even the
+normal anomalism of all things in this our happy England. It is urgent
+that some one, lay or cleric, should compel the decision which the suit
+of Mr. Jenkins has failed to obtain.
+
+In considering the question whether disbelief in the Devil would
+“deprave” the Prayer Book, we must refer to this book itself. It
+contains three creeds—the Apostles’, the Nicene, and that called of
+Athanasius. Of these the Nicene (the creed in the Communion Service, by
+the way) mentions neither the Devil nor Hell; the Apostles’ and the
+so-called Athanasian mention hell but not the Devil. In No. III. of the
+Thirty-nine Articles hell is solidly established, but again there is no
+mention of the Devil. It may be argued that hell implies the Devil, as
+a fox-hole implies a fox; but his existence is not authoritatively
+averred. Strangely enough, the only personage who, according to the
+creeds and articles, has certainly been in hell, is Jesus Christ
+himself: “He descended into hell; the third day he rose again from the
+dead; he ascended into heaven.” What took *him* to hell? The Prayer
+Book does not inform us. But we learn from the Epistle called 1 Peter,
+chap. iii., 19, 20, and chap. iv., 6: “By which also he went and
+preached unto the spirits in prison, which sometime were disobedient,
+when once the long-suffering of God waited in the days of Noah, while
+the ark was a preparing, wherein few, that is eight souls, were saved by
+water.... For this cause was the gospel preached also to them that are
+dead, that they might be judged according to men in the flesh, but live
+according to God in the spirit.” Whence it appears that the spirits in
+prison were not the Devil and his angels, but the spirits of those who
+were drowned in the Flood for disobedience; and it furthermore appears
+that these spirits were saved by the preaching of Christ; so that in
+this famous harrying of hell, he seems to have left it as empty as the
+mosstroopers in their forays left farmsteads. It is true that No. VI. of
+the Articles settles the canon of the Old and New Testaments, and that
+anyone daring to exclude from belief anything in this canon might be
+convicted of depraving the Prayer Book. But in that case all the best
+scholars and divines of the Church are guilty of this dreadful sin;
+and not only guilty, but openly, commonly and notoriously guilty: and
+therefore all merit repulsion from the Lord’s table. Let the truly
+faithful clergy, those who believe all without question or distinction,
+do their duty to the Articles of religion of their Church (the Creeds,
+as I have pointed out, are neutral), and they will shut out from their
+Communion nearly all the intelligent piety and learning which lend it
+whatever dignity it still retains. Granted the canon in its integrity,
+and the existence of a personal Devil, and the doctrine of eternal
+punishment cannot be fairly disputed. Without multiplying texts, I may
+refer to Revelation, chap. xx., as decisive on these points.
+
+From these considerations it follows that if the Church of England is
+bound by her own articles she will hold fast to the Devil and hell,
+and deny the privilege of her Communion to any one who depraves the
+Prayer-Book by common and notorious disbelief in them. And for my own
+part, I do not see how the Church could get on at all without a Devil
+and hell, especially in competition with the other Christian sects,
+which make unlimited use of both. The Devil is in fact as essential
+to the Christian schemes as a leader of the opposition to that great
+political blessing, government by party. If he were to die, or be
+deposed, it would be necessary to elect another to the vacant dignity.
+You cannot put the leadership in commission as the unfortunate Liberals
+were taunted with doing, in their demoralisation after their disasters
+of the General Election and Mr. Gladstone’s sudden retirement. Just
+as Mr. Disraeli lamented the withdrawal of Mr. Gladstone, complaining
+of the embarrassment caused to the Government by having no responsible
+leader opposed to it, so we can imagine dear God lamenting the absence
+of a Devil, and declaring that the Christian scheme could not work
+well without one. His utter loss would make the government of the world
+retrograde from an admirably balanced constitutional monarchy to a mere
+Oriental absolute despotism. You must choose some one to lead, if only
+in name and for the time, as the Whigs chose Lord Hartington. But though
+Lord Hartington is still tolerated by us English, a Lord Hartington of
+a Devil, be it said with all respect to both his lordship and his
+Devil-ship, would scarcely be tolerated by either the celestial or the
+infernal benches.
+
+In Beranger’s authentic record, already alluded to, of “The Death of
+the Devil”—which, however, relates only to the Church of Rome—we
+read how, on learning the catastrophe:—
+
+::
+
+     “The conclave shook with mortal fear;
+     Power and cash-box, adieu! they said;
+     We have lost our father dear,
+     The Devil is dead! the Devil is dead!”
+
+But while they they were in this passion of grief and despair, St.
+Ignatius offered to take the place of the dead Devil; and none could
+doubt that he with his Jesuits for imps would prove a most efficient
+substitute. Wherefore the Church threw off its sorrow and welcomed his
+offer with most holy rapture:—
+
+::
+
+     “Noble fellow! cried all the court,
+     We bless thee for thy malice and hate.
+     And at once his Order, Rome’s support,
+     Saw its robe flutter Heaven’s gate.
+     From the angel’s tears of pity fell:
+     Poor man will have cause to rue, they said;
+     St. Ignatius inherits Hell.
+     The Devil is dead! the Devil is dead!”
+
+Thus matters continued well for the Church of Rome, and, in fact, became
+even better than before. But if the Devil should die in the Church of
+England, whom has she that could efficiently take his place? She has no
+saints except the disciples and apostles of the New Testament, and these
+have long since gone to glory. Would Mr. Gladstone undertake the office?
+or Mr. Beresford Hope, with the *Saturday Review* for his infernal
+gazette? or the editor of the *Rock?* or he of the *Church Times?*
+or the man who does religion for the *Daily Telegraph?* Each of these
+distinguished gentlemen might well eagerly accept the candidature or a
+post so lofty: but I fear that none of them could be considered equal
+to its functions. Perhaps Mr. Disraeli has the requisite genius, and
+probably he would be very glad to exchange the Premiership of little
+England for that of large hell: but unfortunately he has already
+committed himself to the side of the angels, meaning by angels the
+humdrum Tory angels of heaven—for, as Dr. Johnson said, the Devil
+was the first Whig. On the whole, the Church of England had better keep
+loyal to its ancient and venerable Devil, being too impoverished in
+intellect and character to supply a worthy successor.
+
+I have ventured to compare the government of the world in the Christian
+scheme, by a God and a Devil, with our own felicitous government by
+party. There is, however, or rather there appears to be, a striking
+difference between the two. In our government, when the Prime Minister
+finds himself decidedly in a minority, he goes out of office, and the
+Leader of the Opposition goes in; in the Government of the World the
+Leader of the Opposition seems to have always had an immense majority
+(and his majority in these days is probably larger than ever before,
+seeing that sceptics and infidels have multiplied exceedingly), yet the
+other side is supposed to retain permanent possession of office. I say
+“supposed,” because the Bible itself suggests that this popular
+opinion is a mistake, the Devil (if there be a Devil) being entitled
+by it the prince of this world, which surely implies his accession to
+power.
+
+Although the Godhead or governing power of the world, according to the
+Christian scheme, is usually spoken and written of as a trinity, it
+is, in fact, quarterary or fourfold for Protestants, and quinary or
+fivefold for Roman Catholics. The former have God the Father, God the
+Son, God the Holy Ghost, and God the Devil; the latter supplement these
+with Goddess the Virgin Mary. Both formally acknowledge the first three
+as collectively and severally almighty, but Protestants implicitly
+acknowledge the fourth, and Roman Catholics the fifth, as more almighty
+still (these solecisms of dogma cannot be expressed without solecisms of
+language). With the Roman Catholics I am not concerned here. With regard
+to the Protestants, and those especially professing the Protestantism
+of the Church of England, I may safely affirm that the Devil is not less
+essential to their theology than is any person of the Trinity, or, in
+fact, than are the three persons together. Indeed, the Father and the
+Holy Ghost have been practically dispensed with, leaving Christ and
+Satan to fight the battle out between themselves.
+
+As this is a gloriously scientific age, nobly enamored of the exact
+sciences, I will endeavor to expound this sublime subject of the
+divinity of the Church of England mathematically, even after the manner
+of the divine Plato in Book VIII. of “The Republic,” treating of
+divine and human generation; and in the “Timæus,” treating of
+the creation of the universal soul. His demonstrations, indeed, are so
+divinely obscure as to confound all the scholiasts; my demonstration,
+however, shall be so translucent that even the most learned and subtle
+lords of the Judicial Committee of the Privy Council, with their legal
+spectacles on, shall not be able to help seeing through it. And whereas
+the figures, which are shapes, are more intelligible to most people than
+the figures which are numbers, let the exposition be geometrical. We
+will say, then, that the Church of old conceived the divinity in the
+form of an equilateral triangle, whereof the base was Christ as the
+whole system was founded on belief in the Lord Jesus Christ, and the
+Father and the Holy Ghost were the two sides, leaning each on the
+other; and the Devil was the apex, as opposed to, and farthest from, our
+blessed Savior. But in course of time the theologians (perhaps merely
+wanting some occupation for their vigorous talents, perhaps deeming it
+undignified to have two persons of the godhead supporting each other
+obliquely like a couple of tipsy men, perhaps simply in order to make
+matters square) set to work, and pushed up the two sides, so that each
+might stand firm and perpendicular by itself. This process had two
+unforeseen results; it expanded the apex, which was a very elastic
+point, so that it became the crowning side of the square, and it so
+unhinged the sides that after a brief upright existence they lost their
+balance, and were carried to Limbo by the first wind of strange doctrine
+which blew that way; and the Devil and Christ, or Christ and the Devil
+(arrange the precedence as you please), were left alone confronting each
+other. These two are of course equal and parallel, the main distinction
+between them being that Christ is below, and the Devil above, or, in
+other words, that the Devil is superior and Christ inferior (the Devil
+seems entitled to the precedence). Thus matters have continued even to
+the present time, the divinity showing itself, as we may say, without
+form and void; and we are free to speculate on the momentous questions:
+Will the crown (which is the Devil) fall into the base (which is
+Christ)? Will the base float up into the crown? Will the two coalesce
+half way? Will they both, unknit from their sides, be carried away to
+Limbo by some blast of strange doctrine? One thing is certain, they
+cannot long remain as they are. Rare Ben Jonson chanted the Trinity, or
+Equilateral Triangle; rare Walt Whitman has chanted the Square Deific
+(with Satan for the fourth side); no poet can care to chant the two
+straight lines which, in the language of Euclid, and in the region of
+intelligence, cannot enclose a space, but are as a magnified symbol of
+equal—to nothing.
+
+P. S.—It may be appropriately added that the books of Euclid are
+really symbolic and prophetic expositions of most sublime and sacrosanct
+mysteries, though in these days few persons seem aware of the fact. Thus
+the very first definition, “A point is position without magnitude,”
+exactly defines every point of difference between the theologians. So
+a line, which is as the prolongation of a point, or length without
+breadth, represents in one sense (for each symbol has manifold meanings)
+the history of any theological system. An acute angle is, say, Professor
+Clifford; an obtuse angle, Mr. Whalley; a right angle, the present
+writer: *non angeli sed Angli*. The first proposition, “To erect an
+equilateral triangle upon a given finite straight line,” indicates the
+problem solved by Christianity, when it erected the Trinity on the basis
+of the man we call Jesus. This pregnant subject should be worked out in
+detail through the whole eight books.
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+
+RELIGION IN THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS
+===============================
+
+Top of Pike’s Peak, March 4th, 1873.
+
+.. dropcap:: H Honored
+
+Honored with your special commission, I at once hurried across to
+Denver, and thence still westward until I found myself among the big
+vertebrae of this longish backbone of America. I have wandered to and
+fro among the new cities, the advanced camps of civilisation, always
+carefully reticent as to my mission, always carefully inquiring into
+the state of religion both in doctrine and practice. You were so hopeful
+that high Freethought would be found revelling triumphant in these high
+free regions, that I fear you will be acutely pained by this my true
+report. Churches and chapels of all kinds abound—Episcopalian,
+Methodist Episcopal (for the Methodists here have bishops),
+Presbyterian, Baptist, Congregational, Roman Catholic, etc. Zeal
+inflaming my courage, three and even four times have I ventured into a
+church, each time enduring the whole service; and if I have not ventured
+oftener, certainly I had more than sufficient cause to abstain. For as
+I suffered in my few visits to churches in your England, so I suffered
+here; and such sufferings are too dreadful to be frequently encountered,
+even by the bravest of the brave. Whether my sensations in church are
+similar to those of others, or are peculiar to myself, I cannot be sure;
+but I am quite sure that they are excruciating. On first entering I
+may feel calm, wakeful, sane, and not uncomfortable, except that here I
+rather regret being shut in from the pure air and splendid sky, and in
+England rather regret having come out through the raw, damp murk, and in
+both regret that civilisation has not yet established smoking-pews; but
+the Church is always behind the age. It is pleasant for awhile to note
+the well-dressed people seated or entering; the men with unctuous hair
+and somewhat wooden decorum; the women floating more at ease, suavely
+conscious of their fine inward and outward adornments. It is pleasant
+to keep a hopeful look-out for some one of more than common beauty or
+grace, and to watch such a one if discovered. As the service begins, and
+the old, old words and phrases come floating around me, I am lulled into
+quaint dream-memories of childhood; the long unthought-of school-mates,
+the surreptitious sweetstuff, the manifold tricks and smothered
+laughter, by whose aid (together with total inattention to the service,
+except to mark and learn the text) one managed to survive the ordeal.
+The singing also is pleasant, and lulls me into vaguer dreams.
+Gradually, as the service proceeds, I become more drowsy; my small
+faculties are drugged into quiet slumber, they feel themselves off
+duty, there is nothing for which they need keep awake. But, with the
+commencement of the sermon, new and alarming symptoms arise within me,
+growing ever worse and worse until the close. Pleasure departs with
+tranquility, the irritation of revolt and passive helplessness is acute.
+I cannot find relief in toffy, or in fun with my neighbors, as when
+I was a happy child. The old stereotyped phrases, the immemorial
+platitudes, the often-killed sophistries that never die, come buzzing
+and droning about me like a sluggish swarm of wasps, whose slow
+deliberate stinging is more hard to bear than the quick keen stinging
+of anger. Then the wasps, penetrating through my ears, swarm inside
+me; there is a horrid buzzing in my brain, a portentous humming in my
+breast; my small faculties are speedily routed, and disperse in blind
+anguish, the implacable wasps droning out and away after them, and I am
+left void, void; with hollow skull, empty heart, and a mortal sinking
+of stomach; my whole being is but a thin shell charged with vacuity and
+desperate craving; I expect every instant to collapse or explode. It
+is but too certain that if anyone should then come to lead me off to
+an asylum for idiots, or a Young Men’s Christian Association, or any
+similar institution, I could not utter a single rational word to save
+myself. And though all my faculties have left me, I cannot attempt to
+leave the church; decorum, rigid and frigid, freezes me to my seat;
+I stare stonily in unimaginable torture, feebly wondering whether the
+sermon will outlast my sanity, or my sanity outlast the sermon. When
+at length released, I am so utterly demoralised that I can but smoke
+furiously, pour much beer and cram much dinner into my hollowness, and
+so with swinish dozing hope to feel better by tea-time. Now, though in
+order to fulfil the great duties you entrust to me, I have cheerfully
+dared the Atlantic, and spent long days and perilous nights in railroad
+cars, and would of course (were it indeed necessary) face unappalled
+mere physical death and destruction, I really could not go on risking,
+with the certainty of ere long losing, my whole small stock of brains;
+especially as the loss of these would probably rather hinder than
+further the performance of the said duties. For suppose me reduced to
+permanent idiocy by church-going, become a mere brazen hollowness with a
+riotous tongue like Cowper’s church-going bell; is it not most likely
+that I would then turn true believer, renouncing and denouncing your
+noble commission, even as you would renounce and denounce your imbecile
+commissioner?
+
+Finding that I could not pursue my inquiries in the churches and
+chapels, I was much grieved and perplexed, until one of those thoughts
+occurred to me which are always welcome and persuasive, because in exact
+agreement with our own desires or necessities. I thought of what I had
+remarked when visiting your England: how the churches and chapels and
+lecture-halls, each sect thundering more or less terribly against all
+the others, made one guess that the people were more disputatious than
+pious; how one became convinced, in spite of his infidel reluctance,
+that the people were indeed, as a rule, thoroughly and genuinely
+religious, by mingling freely with them in their common daily and
+nightly life. I asked myself, What really proved to me the pervading
+Christianity of England? the sermons, the tracts, the clerical
+lectures, the missionary meetings? the cathedrals and other theatres and
+music-halls crowded with worshippers on Sunday, while the museums and
+other public-houses were empty and shut? No, scarcely these things; but
+the grand princeliness of the princes, the true nobleness of the nobles,
+the lowliness of the bishops, the sanctity of the clergy, the honesty of
+the merchants, the veracity of the shopkeepers, the sobriety and thrift
+of the artisans, the independence and intelligence of the rustics; the
+general faith and hope and love which brightened the sunless days, the
+general temperance and chastity which made beautiful the sombre nights;
+the almost universal abhorrence of the world, the flesh, and the Devil;
+the almost universal devotion to heaven, the spirit, and God.
+
+I thereupon determined to study the religion out here, even as I had
+studied it in England, in the ordinary public and private life of the
+people; and you will doubtless be sorely afflicted to learn that I have
+found everywhere much the same signs of genuine, practical Christianity
+as are so common and patent in the old country. The ranchmen have sown
+the good seed, and shall reap the harvest of heavenly felicity; the
+stockmen will surely be corraled with the sheep, and not among
+the goats, at the last day; not to gain the whole world would the
+storekeepers lose their own souls; the pioneers have found the narrow
+way which leadeth unto life; the fishermen are true disciples, the
+trappers catch Satan in his own snares, the hunters are mighty before
+the Lord; bright are the celestial prospects of the prospectors, ana
+the miners are all stoping-out that hidden treasure which is richer than
+silver and much fine gold. As compared with the English, these Western
+men are perchance inferior in two important points of Christian
+sentiment: they probably do not fear God, being little given to fear
+anyone; they certainly do not honor the king, perhaps because they
+unfortunately have none to honor. On the other hand, as I have been
+assured by many persons from the States and the old country, they
+are even superior to the English in one important point of Christian
+conduct. Christ has promised that in discharging the damned to hell at
+the day of judgment, he will fling at them this among other reproaches,
+“I was a stranger, and ye took me not in,” and this particular rebuke
+seems to have wrought a peculiarly deep impression in these men, perhaps
+because they have much more to do with strangers than have people in
+old settled countries, so much, indeed, that the word “stranger”
+is continually in their mouths. The result is (as the said persons from
+England and the States have often solemnly assured me) that any and
+every stranger arriving in these regions is most thoroughly, most
+beautifully, most religiously taken in. So that should any of these fine
+fellows by evil hap be among the accursed multitude whom Christ thus
+addresses, they will undoubtedly retort in their frank fashion of
+speech: “Wall, boss, it may be right to give us hell on other counts,
+but you say you was a stranger and we didn’t take you in. What we want
+to know is, Did you ever come to our parts to trade in mines or stock
+or sich? If you *didn’t*, how the Devil *could* we take you in? if you
+*did*, it’s a darned lie, and an insult to our understanding to say we
+*didn’t*.”
+
+But though the practical life out here is so veritably Christian, you
+still hope that at any rate the creeds and doctrines are considerably
+heterodox. I am sincerely sorry to be obliged to destroy this hope. In
+the ordinary talk of the men continually recur the same or almost the
+same expressions and implications of orthodox belief, as are so common
+in your England, and throughout Christendom. Why such formulas are
+generally used by men only, I have often been puzzled to explain: it may
+be that the women, who in all lands attend divine service much more than
+do the men, find ample expression of their faith in the set times
+and places of public worship and private prayer; while the men, less
+methodical, and demanding liberal scope, give it robust utterance
+whenever and wherever they choose. These formulas, as you must have
+often remarked, are most weighty and energetic; they avouch and avow the
+supreme personages and mysteries and dogmas of their religion; they are
+usually but brief ejaculations, in strong contrast to those long prayers
+of the Pharisees which Jesus laughed to scorn; and they are often so
+superfluous as regards the mere worldly meaning of the sentences in
+which they appear, that it is evident they have been interjected simply
+to satisfy the pious ardor of the speaker, burning to proclaim in season
+and out of season the cardinal principles of his faith. I say
+speaker, and not writer, because writing, being comparatively cold and
+deliberate, seldom flames out in these sharp swift flashes, that leap
+from living lips touched with coals of fire from the altar.(1)
+
+     1. Is it not time that we wrote such words as this damn at
+     full length, as did Emily Brontë, the Titaness, whom
+     Charlotte justly indicates in this as in other respects;
+     instead of putting only initial and final letters, with a
+     hypocritical fig-leaf dash in the middle, drawing particular
+     attention to what it affects to conceal? These words are in
+     all men’s mouths, and many of them are emphatically the
+     leading words of the Bible.
+
+I am aware that these fervid ejaculations are apt to be regarded by
+the light-minded as trivial, by the cold-hearted as indecorous, by the
+sanctimonious as even profane; but to the true philosopher, whether he
+be religious or not, they are pregnant with grave significance. For do
+not these irrepressible utterances burst forth from the very depths of
+the profound heart of the people? Are they not just as spontaneous and
+universal as is the belief in God itself? Are they not among the most
+genuine and impassioned words of mankind? Have they not a primordial
+vigor and vitality? Are they not supremely of that voice of the people
+which has been well called the voice of God? Thus when your
+Englishman instead of “Strange!” says “The Devil!” instead
+of “Wonderful!” cries “Good Heavens!” instead of “How
+startling!” exclaims “O Christ!” he does more than merely express
+his emotions, his surprise, his wonder, his amaze; he hallows it to the
+assertion of his belief in Satan, in the good kingdom of God, in Jesus;
+and, moreover, by the emotional gradation ranks with perfect accuracy
+the Devil lowest in the scale, the heavens higher, Christ the loftiest.
+When another shouts “God damn you!”(1) he not only condemns the evil
+of the person addressed; he also takes occasion to avow his own strong
+faith in God and God’s judgment of sinners. Similarly “God bless
+you!” implies that there is a God, and that from him all blessings
+flow. How vividly does the vulgar hyperbole “Infernally hot,” prove
+the general belief in hell-fire! And the phrase “God knows!” not
+merely declares that the subject is beyond human knowledge, but also
+that an all-wise God exists. Here in the West, as before stated, such
+brief expressions of faith, which are so much more sincere than long
+formularies repeated by rote in church, are quite as common as in your
+England. When one has sharply rebuked or punished another, he says “I
+gave him hell.” And that this belief in future punishment pervades all
+classes is proved by the fact that even a profane editor speaks of it
+as a matter of course. For the thermometer having been stolen from his
+sanctum, the said worthy editor announced that the mean cuss who took
+it might as well bring or send it back (no questions asked) for it
+could not be of any use to him in the place he was going to, as it
+only registered up to 212 degrees. The old notion that hell or Hades is
+located in the middle of the earth (which may have a scientific solution
+in the Plutonic theory that we dwell on the crust of a baked dumpling
+full of fusion and confusion) is obviously tallied by the miner’s
+assertion that his vein was true-fissure, reaching from the grass-roots
+down to hell. The frequent phrase “A God-damned liar,” “A
+God-damned thief,” recognise God as the punisher of the wicked. I
+have heard a man complain of an ungodly headache, implying first, the
+existence of God, and secondly, the fact that the Godhead does not ache,
+or in other words is perfect. Countless other phrases of this kind
+might be alleged, a few of them astonishingly vigorous and racy, for
+new countries breed lusty new forms of speech; but the few already given
+suffice for my present purpose. One remarkable comparison, however, I
+cannot pass over without a word: it is common to say of a man who has
+too much self-esteem, He thinks himself a little tin Jesus on wheels.
+It is clear that some profound suggestion, some sacrosanct mystery, must
+underlie this bold locution; but what I have been hitherto unable to
+find out. The connexion between Jesus and tin may seem obvious to such
+as know anything of bishops and pluralists, pious bankers and traders.
+But what about the wheels? Have they any relation to the opening chapter
+of Ezekiel? It is much to be wished that Max Müller, and all other
+such great scholars, who (as I am informed, for it’s not I that
+would presume to study them myself) manage to extract whatever noble
+mythological meanings they want, from unintelligible Oriental metaphors
+and broken phrases many thousand years old, would give a few years of
+their superfluous time to the interpretation of this holy riddle.
+Do not, gentleman, do not by all that is mysterious, leave it to the
+scholars of millenniums to come; proceed to probe and analyse and turn
+it inside out at once, while it is still young and flourishing, while
+the genius who invented it is still probably alive, if he deceased not
+in his boots, as decease so many gallant pioneers.
+
+And here, before afflicting you further, O much-enduring editor, let me
+soothe you a little by stating that some particles of heresy, some few
+heretics, are to be found even here. I have learned that into a very
+good and respectable bookstore in a city of these regions, certain
+copies of Taylor’s “Diegesis” have penetrated, who can say how?
+and that some of these have been sold. A living judge has been heard to
+declare that he couldn’t believe at all in the Holy Ghost outfit. It
+has also been told me of a man who must have held strange opinions as
+to the offspring of God the Father, though certainly this man was not a
+representative pioneer, being but a German miner, fresh from the States.
+This Dutchman (all Germans here are Dutch, doubtless from *Deutsche*,
+the special claims of the Hollanders being ignored) was asked solemnly
+by a clergyman, “Who died to save sinners?” and answered “Gott.”
+“What,” said the pained and pious pastor, “don’t you know
+that it was Jesus the *Son* of God?” “Ah,” returned placidly the
+Dutchman, “it vass one of te boys, vass it? I always dought it vass
+te olt man himselben.” This good German may have been misled by the
+mention of the sons of God early in Genesis, yet it is strange that he
+knew not that Jesus is the only son of God, and our savior. A story is
+moreover told of two persons, of whom the one boasted rather too often
+that he was a self-made man, and the other at length quietly remarked
+that he was quite glad to hear it, as it cleared God from the
+responsibility of a darned mean bit of work. Whence some have inferred
+the heresy that God is the creator of only a part of the universe; but
+I frankly confess that in my own opinion the reply was merely a playful
+sarcasm.
+
+The most decided heresy which has come under my own observation was
+developed in the course of a chat between two miners in a lager-beer
+saloon and billiard-hall; into the which, it need scarcely be remarked,
+I was myself solely driven by the fierce determination to carry out my
+inquiries thoroughly. Bill was smoking, Dick was chewing; and they stood
+up together, at rather rapidly decreasing intervals, for drinks of such
+“fine old Bourbon” rye whiskey as bears the honorable popular title
+of rot-gut. The frequency with which the drinking of alcoholic liquors
+leads to impassioned and elevated discussion of great problems in
+politics, history, dog-breeding, horse-racing, moral philosophy,
+religion, and kindred important subjects, seems to furnish a strong and
+hitherto neglected argument against tee-totalism. There are countless
+men who can only be stimulated to a lively and outspoken interest in
+intellectual questions by a series of convivial glasses and meditative
+whiffs. If such men really take any interest in such questions at other
+times, it remains deplorably latent, not exercising its legitimate
+influence on the public opinion of the world. Our two boys were
+discussing theology; and having had many drinks, grappled with the
+doctrine of the triune God. “Wall,” said Bill, “I can’t make
+out that trinity consam, that three’s one and one’s three outfit.”
+Whereto Dick: “Is that so? Then you wam’t rigged out for a
+philosopher, Bill. Look here,” pulling forth his revolver, an action
+which caused a slight stir in the saloon, till the other boys saw that
+he didn’t mean business; “look here, I’ll soon fix it up for you.
+Here’s six chambers, but it’s only one pistol, with one heft and one
+barrel; the heft for us to catch hold of, the barrel to kill our enemy.
+Wall, God a’mighty’s jest made hisself a three-shooter, while he
+remains one God; but the Devil, he’s only a single-shot deringer: so
+God can have three fires at the Devil for one the Devil can have at
+him. Now can’t you figure it out?” “Wall,” said Bill, evidently
+staggered by the revolver, and feeling, if possible, increased respect
+for that instrument on finding it could be brought to bear toward
+settlement of even such a difficulty as the present; “Wall, that pans
+out better than I thought it could: but to come down to the bedrock,
+either God’s a poor mean shot or his piece carries darned light; for
+I reckon the Devil makes better play with his one chamber than God with
+his three.” “Maybe,” replied Dick, with calm candor, strangely
+indifferent to the appalling prospects this theory held out for our
+universe; “some of them pesky little things jest shoot peas that rile
+the other fellow without much hurting him, and then, by thunder, he lets
+daylight through you with one good ball. Besides, it’s likely enough
+the Devil’s the best shot, for he’s been consarned in a devilish
+heap of shooting more than God has; at any rate”—perchance vaguely
+remembering to have heard of such things as “religious wars”—“of
+late years, between here and ’Frisco. Wall, I guess I don’t run the
+creation. Let’s liquor;” manifestly deriving much comfort from
+the consciousness that he had no hand in conducting this world. Bill
+acquiesced with a brief “Ja,” and they stood up for another drink.
+I am bound to attest that, in spite or because of the drinks, they
+had argued throughout with the utmost deliberation and gravity, with
+a dignified demeanour which Bishops and D.Ds. might envy, and ought to
+emulate.
+
+Having thus comforted you with what little of heresy and infidelity I
+have been able to gather, it is now my painful duty to advance another
+class of proofs of the general religiousness here; a class of which you
+have very few current specimens in England, unless it be among the
+Roman Catholics. All comparative mythologists—indeed, all students
+of history—are said to agree that the popular legends and myths of any
+race at any time are of the utmost value, as showing what the race then
+believed, and thus determining its moral and intellectual condition at
+that period; this value being quite irrespective of the truth or untruth
+to fact of the said legends. Hence in modern times collections of old
+traditions and fairy tales have been excellently well received, whether
+from the infantile literature of ancient peoples, as the Oriental and
+Norse, or from the senile and anile lips of secluded members of tribes
+whose nationality is fast dying out, as the Gaelic and Welsh. And truly
+such collections commend themselves alike to the grave and the frivolous
+for the scientific scholar finds in them rich materials for serious
+study, and the mere novel-reader can flatter himself that he is studying
+while simply enjoying strange stories become new by extreme old age. All
+primitive peoples, who read and write little, have their most popular
+beliefs fluidly embodied in oral legends and myths; and in this respect
+the settlers of a new region, though they may come from the oldest
+countries, resemble the primitive peoples. They are too busy with the
+tough work of subduing the earth to give much time to writing or reading
+anything beyond their local newspapers; they love to chat together when
+not working, and chat, much more than writing, runs into stories. Thus
+religious legends in great numbers circulate out here, all charged and
+surcharged with faith in the mythology of the Bible. Of these it has
+been my sad privilege to listen to not a few. As this letter is already
+too long for your paper, though very brief for the importance of its
+theme, I will subjoin but a couple of them, which I doubt not will be
+quite enough to indicate what measureless superstition prevails in these
+youngest territories of the free and enlightened Republic.
+
+It is told—on what authority no one asks, the legend being universally
+accepted on its intrinsic merits, as Protestants would have us accept
+the Bible, and Papists their copious hagiology—that St. Joseph, the
+putative father of our Lord, fell into bad habits, slipping almost daily
+out of Heaven into evil society, coming home very late at night and
+always more or less intoxicated. It is suggested that he may have been
+driven into these courses by unhappiness in his connubial and parental
+relations, his wife and her child being ranked so much above himself
+by the Christian world, and the latter being quite openly attributed to
+another father. Peter, though very irascible, put up with his misconduct
+for a long time, not liking to be harsh to one of the Royal Family; and
+it is believed that God the Father sympathised with this poor old
+Joseph, and protected him, being himself jealous of the vastly superior
+popularity of Mary and Jesus. But at length, after catching a violent
+cold through getting out of bed at a preposterous hour to let the
+staggering Joseph in, Peter told him roundly that if he didn’t come
+home sober and in good time, he must just stay out all night. Joseph,
+feeling sick and having lost his pile, promised amendment, and for a
+time kept his word. Then he relapsed; the heavenly life proved too
+slow for him, the continual howling of “all the menagerie of the
+Apocalypse” shattered his nerves, he was disgusted at his own
+insignificance, the memory of the *liaison* between his betrothed
+and the Holy Ghost filled him with gall and wormwood, and perhaps he
+suspected that it was still kept up. So, late one night or early
+one morning Peter was roused from sleep by an irregular knocking
+and fumbling at the gate, as if some stupid dumb animal were
+seeking admittance. “Who’s there?” growled Peter. “It’s
+me—Joseph,” hiccoughed the unfortunate. “You’re drunk,” said
+Peter, savagely.
+
+“You’re on the tear again; you’re having another bender.”
+“Yes,” answered Joseph, meekly. “Wall,” said Peter, “you jest
+go back to where you come from, and spend the night there; get.” “I
+can’t,” said Joseph. “They’re all shut up; they’ve turned me
+out.” “Then sleep outside in the open air; it’s wholesome,
+and will bring you round,” said Peter. After much vain coaxing and
+supplicating, old Joe got quite mad, and roared out, “If you don’t
+get up and let me in at once, by God I’ll take my son out of the
+outfit and bust up the whole consarn!” Peter, terrified by this
+threat, which, if carried out, would ruin his prospects in eternal life
+by abolishing his office of celestial porter, caved in, getting up and
+admitting Joseph, who ever since has had a latch-key that he may go and
+come when he pleases. It is to be hoped that he will never when tight
+let this latch-key be stolen by one of the little devils who are always
+lurking about the haunts of dissipation he frequents; for in that case
+the consequences might be awful, as can be readily imagined.
+
+Again it is told that a certain miner, a tough cuss, who could whip
+his weight in wild cats and give points to a grizzle, seemed uncommonly
+moody and low-spirited one morning, and on being questioned by his chum,
+at length confessed that he was bothered by a very queer dream. “I
+dreamt that I was dead,” he explained; “and a smart spry pretty
+little angel took me up to heaven.” “Dreams go by contraries,”
+suggested the chum, by way of comfort. “Let that slide,” answered
+the dreamer; “the point isn’t there. Wall, St. Peter wasn’t at the
+gate, and the angel critter led me on to pay my respects to the boss,
+and after travelling considerable we found him as thus. God the Father,
+God the Son, God the Holy Ghost and Peter, all as large as life, were
+playing a high-toned game of poker, and there was four heavy piles on
+the table—gold, not shinplasters, you bet. I was kinder glad to
+see that they played poker up in heaven, so as to make life there not
+on-bearable; for it would be but poor fun singing psalms all day; I was
+never much of a hand at singing, more particularly when the songs is
+psalms. Wall, we waited, not liking to disturb their game, and I watched
+the play. I soon found that Jesus Christ was going through the rest,
+cheating worse than the heathen Chinee at euchre; but of course I
+didn’t say nothing, not being in the game. After a while Peter showed
+that he began to guess it too, if he wasn’t quite sure; or p’r’aps
+he was skeared at up and telling Christ to his face. At last, however,
+what does Christ do, after a bully bluff which ran Pete almost to
+his bottom dollar, but up and show five aces to Pete’s call; and
+‘What’s that for high?’ says he, quite cool. ‘Now look you,
+Christ,’ shouts Pete, jumping up as mad as thunder, and not caring
+a cent or a continental what he said to anybody; ‘look you, Christ,
+that’s too thin; we don’t want any of your darned miracles here!’
+and with that he grabbed up his pile and all his stakes, and went off in
+a mighty huff. Christ looked pretty mean, I tell you, and the game was
+up. Now you see,” said the dreamer, sadly and thoughtfully, “it’s
+a hard rock to drill and darned poor pay at that, if when you have a
+quiet hand at poker up there, the bosses are allowed to cheat and a
+man can’t use his deringer or put a head on ’em; I don’t know but
+I’d rather go to the other place on those terms.” Not yet to be read
+in books, as I have intimated, but circulating orally, and in versions
+that vary with the various rhapsodists, such are the legends you may
+hear when a ring is formed round the hotel-office stove at night, in
+shanties and shebangs of ranchmen and miners, in the shingled offices
+of judge and doctor, in railroad cars and steamboats, or when bumming
+around the stores; whenever and wherever, in short, men are gathered
+with nothing particular to do. The very *naïveté* of such stories
+surely testifies to the child-like sincerity of the faith they express
+and nourish. It is the simple unbounded faith of the Middle Ages, such
+as we find in the old European legends and poems and mysteries, such as
+your poetess Mrs. Browning well marks in Chaucer.
+
+Many of the so-called liberal clergy complain of the gulf which yawns in
+this age of materialistic science between religion and every-day life,
+in this world and the things are treated as mere thin abstractions,
+they say; and only the lower things are recognised as real. These pious
+pioneers, in the freshness and wonderfulness of their new life, overleap
+this gulf without an effort, realising heaven as thoroughly as earth.
+How could the communion and the human nature of saints be better
+exhibited than in St. Joseph falling into dissipation and St. Peter
+playing poker? How could the manhood as well as the Godhead of Jesus
+Christ be more familiarly brought home to us than by his taking a hand
+at this game and then miraculously cheating When generations have passed
+away, if not earlier, such next, heaven
+
+     “the infantine Familiar clasp of things divine.”
+
+The higher legends as these will assuredly be gathered by earnest and
+reverent students as quite invaluable historical relics. They must fill
+the Christian soul with delight; they must harrow the heart of him who
+hath said in his heart, There is no God.
+
+In conclusion, I must again express my deep regret at being forced by
+the spirit of truth to give you so favorable an account of the state
+of religion out here, both in creed and practice. I trust that you
+will lose no time and spare no exertion in attacking and, if possible,
+routing out the Christianity now entrenched in these great natural
+fortresses. Be your war-cry that of the first pioneers, “Pike’s Peak
+or bust”; and be not like unto him found teamless half-way across
+the plains, with the confession on his waggon-tilt, “Busted, by
+thunder.” For you can come right out here by railroad now. As for
+myself, I climbed wearily and with mortal pantings unto the top of this
+great mountain, thinking it one of the best coigns of vantage whence to
+command a comprehensive view of the sphere of my inquiries, and also a
+spot where one might write without being interrupted or overlooked by
+loafers. Unfortunately I have not been able to discover any special
+religious or irreligious phænomena; for, though the prospect is indeed
+ample where not intercepted by clouds or mist, very few of the people
+and still fewer of their characteristics can be made out distinctly even
+with a good glass. How I am to get down and post this letter puzzles me.
+The descent will be difficult, dangerous, perhaps deadly. Would that I
+had not come up. After all there is some truth in the Gospel narrative
+of the Temptation: for by studying the general course of ecclesiastical
+promotion and the characters of the most eminent churchmen, I was
+long since led to recognise that it is indeed Satan who sets people on
+pinnacles of the temple; and I am now moreover thoroughly convinced that
+it is the Devil and the Devil only that takes any one to the top of an
+exceeding high mountain.
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+THE STORY OF A FAMOUS OLD JEWISH FIRM
+=====================================
+
+(1866.)
+
+.. dropcap:: M Many
+
+Many thousand years ago, when the Jews first started in business, the
+chief of their merchants was a venerable and irascible old gentleman
+named Jah. The Jews have always been excellent traders, keen to scent
+wealth, subtle to track it, unweary to pursue it, strong to seize it,
+tenacious to hold it; and the most keen, subtle, untiring, strong,
+tenacious of them all, was this Jah. The patriarchs of his people paid
+him full measure of the homage which Jews have always eagerly paid to
+wealth and power, and all their most important transactions were carried
+out through him. In those antique times people lived to a very great
+age, and Jah is supposed to have lived so many thousands of years that
+one may as well not try to count them. Perhaps it was not one Jah that
+existed all this while, but the house of Jah: the family, both for pride
+and profit, preserving through successive generations the name of its
+founder. Certain books have been treasured by the Jews as containing
+exact records of the dealings of this lordly merchant (or house) both
+with the Jews themselves and with strangers. Many people in our times,
+however, have ventured to doubt the accuracy of these records, arguing
+that some of the transactions therein recorded it would have been
+impossible to transact, that others must have totally ruined the richest
+of merchants, that the accounts often contradict each other, and that
+the system of book-keeping generally is quite unworthy of a dealer so
+truthful and clear-headed as Jah is affirmed to have been. The records
+are so ancient in themselves, and they treat of matters so much more
+ancient still, that it is not easy to find other records of any sort
+with which to check their accounts. Strangely enough the most recent
+researches have impugned the accuracy of the most ancient of these
+records; certain leaves of a volume called the “Great Stone Book,”
+having been brought forward to contradict the very first folio of the
+ledger in which the dealings of Jah have been posted up according to the
+Jews. It may be that the first few folios, like the early pages of most
+annals, are somewhat mythical; and the present humble compiler (who is
+not deep in the affairs of the primaeval world, and who, like the late
+lamented Captain Cuttle with his large volume, is utterly knocked up
+at any time by four or five lines of the “Great Stone Book”) will
+prudently not begin at the beginning, but skip it with great comfort and
+pleasure, especially as many and learned men are now earnest students of
+this beginning. We will, therefore, if you please, take for granted
+the facts that at some time, in some manner, Jah created his wonderful
+business, and that early in his career he met with a great misfortune,
+being compelled, by the villainy of all those with whom he had dealings
+to resort to a wholesale liquidation, which left him so poor, that for
+some time he had not a house in the world, and his establishment was
+reduced to four male and as many female servants.
+
+He must have pretty well recovered from this severe shock when he
+entered into the famous covenant or contract with Abraham and his heirs,
+by which he bound himself to deliver over to them at a certain, then
+distant, period, the whole of the valuable landed property called
+Canaan, on condition that they should appoint him the sole agent for the
+management of their affairs. In pursuance of this contract, he conducted
+that little business of the flocks and herds for Jacob against one
+Laban; and afterwards, when the children of Abraham were grown very
+numerous, he managed for them that other little affair, by which they
+spoiled the Egyptians of jewels of silver and jewels of gold; and it is
+even asserted that he fed and clothed the family for no less than forty
+years in a country where the commissariat was a service of extreme
+difficulty.
+
+At length the time came when he was to make over to them the Land
+of Canaan, for this purpose evicting the several families then in
+possession thereof. The whole of the covenanted estate he never did make
+over to them, but the Jews freely admit that this was through their own
+fault. They held this land as mortgaged to him, he pledging himself not
+to foreclose while they dealt with him faithfully and fulfilled all the
+conditions of the covenant. They were to pay him ten per cent, per annum
+interest, with sundry other charges, to put all their affairs into his
+hands, to have no dealings whatsoever with any rival merchants, etc.,
+etc. Under this covenant the Jews continued in possession of the fine
+little property of Canaan for several hundred years, and they assert
+that this same Jah lived and conducted his business throughout the whole
+period. But, as I have ventured to suggest, the long existence of the
+house of Jah may have been the sum total of the lives of a series of
+individual Jahs. The Jews could not have distinguished the one from the
+other; for it is a strange fact that Jah himself, they admit, was never
+seen. Perhaps he did not affect close contact with Jews. Perhaps he
+calculated that his power over them would be increased by mystery; this
+is certain, that he kept himself wholly apart from them in his private
+office, so that no one was admitted even on business. It is indeed
+related that one Moses (the witness to the execution of the covenant)
+caught a glimpse of him from behind, but this glimpse could scarcely
+have sufficed for identification; and it is said, also, that at certain
+periods the chief of the priesthood was admitted to consultation
+with him; but although his voice was then heard, he did not appear in
+person—only the shadow of him was seen, and everyone will allow that
+a shadow is not the best means of identification. And in further support
+of my humble suggestion it may be noted that in many and important
+respects the later proceedings attributed to Jah differ extremely in
+character from the earlier; and this difference cannot be explained as
+the common difference between the youth and maturity and senility of
+one and the same man, for we are expressly assured that Jah was
+without change—by which we are not to understand that either through
+thoughtlessness or parsimony he never had small cash in his pocket
+for the minor occasions of life; but that he was stubborn in his will,
+unalterable in his ideas, persistent in his projects and plans.
+
+The records of his dealings at home with the Jews, and abroad with
+the Egyptians, the Assyrians, the Philistines, the Babylonians,
+the Persians, the Edomites, and other nations, as kept by the Jews
+themselves, are among the strangest accounts of a large general business
+which have ever been put down in black on white. And in nothing are they
+more strange than in the unsullied candor with which the Jews always
+admit and proclaim that it was their fault, and by no means the fault
+of Jah, whenever the joint business went badly, and narrate against
+themselves the most astonishing series of frauds and falsehoods, showing
+how they broke the covenant, and attempted to cheat the other party in
+every imaginable way, and, in order to ruin his credit, conspired
+with foreign adventurers of the worst character—such as MM. Baal,
+Ashtaroth, and Moloch. Jah, who gave many proofs of a violent and
+jealous temper, and who was wont to sell up other debtors in the most
+heartless way, appears to have been very patient and lenient with these
+flagitious Jews. Yet with all his kindness and long-suffering he was
+again and again forced to put executions into their houses, and throw
+themselves into prison; and at length, before our year One, having, as
+it would seem, given up all hope of making them deal honestly with
+him, he had put certain strict Romans in possession of the property to
+enforce his mortgage and other rights.
+
+And now comes a sudden and wonderful change in the history of this
+mysterious Jah. Whether it was the original Jah, who felt himself
+too old to conduct the immense business alone, or whether it was some
+successor of his, who had not the same self-reliance and imperious
+will, one cannot venture to decide; but we all know that it was publicly
+announced, and soon came to be extensively believed, that Jah had taken
+unto himself two partners, and that the business was thenceforth to
+be carried on by a firm, under the style of Father, Son, and Co. It is
+commonly thought that history has more of certainty as it becomes more
+recent; but unfortunately in the life of Jah, uncertainty grows
+ten times more uncertain when we attain the period of this alleged
+partnership, for the Jews deny it altogether; and of those who believe
+in it not one is able to define its character, or even to state its
+possibility in intelligible language. The Jews assert roundly that the
+alleged partners are a couple of vile impostors, that Jah still conducts
+his world-wide business alone, that he has good reasons (known only
+to himself) for delaying the exposure of these pretenders; and that,
+however sternly he has been dealing with the Jews for a long time past,
+and however little they may seem to have improved so as to deserve
+better treatment, he will yet be reconciled to them, and restore them to
+possession of their old land, and exalt them above all their rivals and
+enemies, and of his own free will and absolute pleasure burn and destroy
+every bond of their indebtedness now in his hands. And in support of
+these modest expectations they can produce a bundle of documents which
+they assert to be his promissory notes, undoubtedly for very large
+amounts; but which, being carefully examined, turn out to be all framed
+on this model: “I, the above-mentioned A. B.” (an obscure or utterly
+unknown Jew, supposed to have lived about three thousand years ago),
+“hereby promise in the name of Jah, that the said Jah shall in some
+future year unknown, pay unto the house of Israel the following amount,
+that is to say, etc.” If we ask, Where is the power of attorney
+authorising this dubious A. B. to promise this amount in the name of
+Jah? the Jews retort: “If you believe in the partnership, you must
+believe in such power, for you have accepted all the obligations of the
+old house, and have never refused to discount its paper: if you believe
+neither in Jah nor in the partnership, you are a wretch utterly without
+faith, a commercial outlaw.” In addition, however, to these remarkable
+promissory notes, the Jews rely upon the fact that Jah, in the midst
+of his terrible anger, has still preserved some kindness for them.
+He threatened many pains and penalties upon them for breach of the
+covenant, and many of these threats he has carried out; but the most
+cruel and horrific of all he has not had the heart to fulfil: they
+have been oppressed and crushed, strangers have come into their landed
+property, they have been scattered among all peoples, a proverb and a
+by-word of scorn among the nations, their religion has been accursed,
+their holy places are defiled, but the crowning woe has been spared them
+(Deut. xxviii., 44); never yet has it come to pass that the stranger
+should lend to them, and they should not lend to the stranger. There is
+yet balm in Gilead, a rose of beauty in Sharon, and a cedar of majesty
+on Lebanon; the Jew still lends to the stranger, and does not borrow
+from him, except as he “borrowed” from the Egygtian—and the
+interest on money lent is still capable, with judicious treatment, of
+surpassing the noble standard of “shent per shent.”
+
+And even among the Gentiles there are some who believe that Jah is still
+the sole head of the house, and that the pair who are commonly accounted
+junior partners are in fact only superior servants, the one a sort of
+manager, the other general superintendent and agent, though Jah may
+allow them a liberal commission on the profits, as well as a fixed
+salary.
+
+—But the commercial world of Europe, in general, professes to believe
+that there is a *bona fide* partnership, and that the three partners
+have exactly equal authority and interest in the concern; that, in fact,
+there is such thorough identity in every respect that the three may, and
+ought to be, for all purposes of business, considered as one. The second
+partner, they say, is really the son of Jah; though Jah, with that
+eccentricity which has ever abundantly characterised his proceedings,
+had this son brought up as a poor Jewish youth, apparently the child of
+a carpenter called Joseph, and his wife Mary. Joseph has little or no
+influence with the firm, and we scarcely hear of a transaction done
+through him, but Mary has made the most profitable use of her old
+*liaison* with Jah, and the majority of those who do business with the
+firm seek her good offices, and pay her very liberal commissions. Those
+who do not think so highly of her influence, deal with the house chiefly
+through the son, and thus it has come to pass that poor Jah is virtually
+ousted from his own business. He and the third partner are little more
+than sleeping partners, while his mistress and her son manage every
+affair of importance.
+
+This state of things seems somewhat unfair to Jah; yet one must own
+that there are good reasons for it. Jah was a most haughty and humorous
+gentleman, extremely difficult to deal with, liable to sudden fits of
+rage, wherein he maltreated friends and foes alike, implacable when once
+offended, a desperately sharp shaver in the bargain, a terrible fellow
+for going to law. The son was a much more kindly personage, very affable
+and pleasant in conversation, willing and eager to do a favor to any
+one, liberal in promises even beyond his powers of performance, fond of
+strangers, and good to the poor; and his mother, with or without reason,
+is credited with a similar character. Moreover, Jah always kept himself
+invisible, while the son and mother were possibly seen, during some
+years, by a large number of persons; and among those who have never seen
+them their portraits are almost as popular as photographs of the Prince
+and Princess of Wales.
+
+With the real or pretended establishment of the Firm, a great change
+took place in the business of Jah. This business had been chiefly with
+the Jews, and even when it extended to foreign transactions, these
+were all subordinate to the Jewish trade. But the Firm lost no time in
+proclaiming that it would deal with the whole world on equal terms:
+no wonder the Jews abhor the alleged partners! And the nature of the
+contracts, the principal articles of trade, the mode of keeping the
+accounts, the commission and interest charged and allowed, the salaries
+of the agents and clerks, the advantages offered to clients, were all
+changed too. The head establishment was removed from Jerusalem to Rome,
+and branch establishments were gradually opened in nearly all the towns
+and villages of Europe, besides many in Asia and Africa, and afterwards
+in America and Australia. It is worth noting that in Asia and Africa
+(although the firm arose in the former) the business has never been
+carried on very successfully; Messrs. Brahma, Vishnu, Seeva, and Co.,
+the great houses of Buddha and Mumbo Jumbo, various Parsee firms, and
+other opposition houses, having among them almost monopolised the trade.
+
+The novel, distinctive, and most useful article which the Firm engaged
+to supply was a bread called *par excellence* the Bread of Life. The
+Prospectus (which was first drafted, apparently in perfect good
+faith, by the Son; but which has since been so altered and expanded
+by successive agents that we cannot learn what the original, no longer
+extant, exactly stated) sets forth that the House of Jah, Son and Co.
+has sole possession of the districts yielding the corn whereof this
+bread is made, the sole patents of the mills for grinding and ovens
+for baking, and that it alone has the secret of the proper process
+for kneading. The Firm admits that many other houses have pretended
+to supply this invaluable bread, but accuses them all of imposture or
+poisonous adulteration. For itself, it commands the genuine supply in
+such quantities that it can under take to feed the whole world, and at
+so cheap a rate that the poorest will be able to purchase as much as
+he needs; and, moreover, as the firm differs essentially from all other
+firms in having no object in view save the benefit of its customers,
+the partners being already so rich that no profits could add to their
+wealth, it will supply the bread for mere love to those who have not
+money!
+
+This fair and beautiful prospectus, you will easily believe, brought
+vast multitudes eager to deal with the firm, and especially large
+multitudes of the poor, ravished with the announcement that love
+should be henceforth current coin of the realm; and the business spread
+amazingly. But at the very outset a sad mischance occurred. The Son,
+by far the best of the partners, was suddenly seized and murdered and
+buried by certain agents of the old Jewish business (furious at the
+prospect of losing all their rich trade), with the connivance of the
+Roman installed as inspector. At least, these wretches thought they had
+murdered the poor man, and it is admitted on every side that they buried
+him: but the dependants of the Firm have a strange story that he was
+not really killed, but arose out of his tomb after lying there for three
+days, and slipped away to keep company with his father, the invisible
+Jah, in his exceedingly private office; and they assert that he is still
+alive along with Jah, mollifying the old man when he gets into one of
+his furious passions, pleading for insolvent debtors, and in all things
+by act and counsel doing good for all the clients of the house. They,
+moreover, assert that the third partner, who as the consoling substitute
+for the absent Son is commonly called the Comforter, and who is very
+energetic, though mysteriously invisible in his operations, superintends
+all the details of the business in every one of the establishments. But
+this third partner is so difficult to catch, that, as stated before, the
+majority of the customers deal with the venerable mother, as the most
+accessible and humane personage belonging to the house.
+
+Despite the death or disappearance of the Son, the firm prospered for
+a considerable time. After severe competition, in which neither side
+showed itself very scrupulous, the great firm of Jupiter and Co., the
+old Greek house, which had been strengthened by the amalgamation of the
+wealthiest Roman firms, was utterly beaten from the field, sold up and
+extinguished. In the sale of the effects many of the properties in
+most demand were bought in by the new firm, which also took many of the
+clerks and agents into its employment, and it is even said adopted in
+several important respects the mode of carrying on business and the
+system of book-keeping. But while the firm was thus conquering its most
+formidable competitor, innumerable dissensions were arising between its
+own branch establishments; every one accusing every other of dealing on
+principles quite hostile to the regulations instituted by the head of
+the house, of falsifying the accounts, and of selling an article which
+was anything but the genuine unadulterated bread. There were also
+interminable quarrels among them as to relative rank and importance.
+
+And whether the wheat, as delivered to the various establishments, was
+or was not the genuine article which the firm had contracted to
+supply, it was soon discovered that it issued from the licensed shops
+adulterated in the most audacious manner. And, although the prospectus
+had stated most positively that the bread should be delivered to the
+poor customers of the firm without money and without price (and such
+seems really to have been the good Son’s intention), it was found, in
+fact, that the loaves, when they reached the consumer, were at least as
+costly as ever loaves of any kind of bread had been. It mattered
+little that the wheat was not reckoned in the price, when agents’,
+commissioners’, messengers’ fees, bakers’ charges, and a hundred
+items, made the price total so enormous. When, at length, the business
+was flourishing all over Europe, it was the most bewildering confusion
+of contradictions that, perhaps, was ever known in the commercial world.
+For in all the establishments the agents professed and very solemnly
+swore that they dealt on principles opposed and infinitely superior
+to the old principles of trade; yet their proceedings (save that they
+christened old things with new names) were identical with those
+which had brought to shameful ruin the most villainous old firms. The
+sub-managers, who were specially ordered to remain poor while in the
+business, and for obedience were promised the most splendid pensions
+when superannuated, all became rich as princes by their exactions from
+the clients of the house; the agents, who were especially commanded to
+keep the peace, were ever stirring up quarrels and fighting ferociously,
+not only with opposition agents but with one another. The accounts,
+which were to be regulated by the most honest and simple rules, were
+complicated in a lawless system, which no man could understand, and
+falsified to incredible amounts, to the loss of the customers, without
+being to the gain of the firm. In brief, each establishment was like
+one of those Chinese shops where the most beautiful and noble maxims of
+justice and generosity are painted in gilt letters outside, while the
+most unblushing fraud and extortion are practised inside. When poor
+customers complained of these things, they were told that the system
+was perfect, that the evils were all from the evil men who conducted the
+business! but the good people did not further explain how the perfection
+of the system could ever be realised, since it must always be worked by
+imperfect men. Complainants thus mildly and vaguely answered were very
+fortunate; others, in places where the firm was very powerful, were
+answered by imprisonment or false accusations, or by being pelted and
+even murdered by mobs. Many who thought the bread badly baked were
+themselves thrust into the fire.
+
+Yet so intense is the need of poor men for some bread of life, so
+willing are simple men to believe fair promises, that, in spite of the
+monstrous injustice and falsehood and cruelty and licentiousness of the
+managers and submanagers and agents of the firm, the business continued
+to flourish, and all the wealth of Europe flowed into its coffers. And
+generations passed ere some persons bethought them to think seriously of
+the original Deed of Partnership and the fundamental principles of the
+Firm. These documents, which had been carefully confined in certain old
+dead languages which few of the customers could read, were translated
+into vulgar tongues, which all could read or understand when read, and
+everyone began studying them for himself. This thinking of essentials,
+which is so rare a thought among mankind, has already produced
+remarkable effects, ana promises to produce effects yet more remarkable
+in a short time.
+
+Behold a few of the questions which this study of the first documents
+has raised.—The Father, whom no one has seen, is there indeed such a
+personage? The Son, whom certainly no one has seen for eighteen hundred
+years, did he really come to life again after being brutally murdered?
+The junior partner, whom no one has ever seen, the Comforter, is he
+a comforter made of the wool of a sheep that never was fleeced? The
+business, as we see it, merely uses the names, and would be precisely
+the same business if these names covered no personages. Do the managers
+and submanagers really carry it on for their own profit, using these
+high names to give dignity to their rascality, and to make poor people
+believe that they have unbounded capital at their back? One is punished
+for defamation of character if he denies the existence of the partners,
+yet not the very chief of all the managers pretends to have seen any of
+the three!
+
+And the vaunted Bread of Life, wherein does it differ from the old
+corn-of-Ceres bread, from the baking of the wheat of Mother Hertha?
+Chiefly in this, that it creates much more wind on the stomach. It is
+not more wholesome, nor more nourishing, and certainly not more cheap:
+and it does us little good to be told that it would be if the accredited
+agents were honest and supplied it pure, when we are told, at the same
+time, that we must get it through these agents. It is indeed affirmed
+that, in an utterly unknown region beyond the Black Sea, the genuine
+wheat may be seen growing by any one who discovers the place; but, as no
+one who ever crossed the sea on a voyage of discovery ever returned,
+the assertion rests on the bare word of people who have never seen the
+corn-land any more than they have seen the partners of the firm; and
+their word is bare indeed, for it has been stripped to shame in a
+thousand affairs wherein it could be brought to the test. They tell us
+also that we shall all in time cross the Black Sea, and if we have
+been good customers shall dwell evermore in that delightful land, with
+unlimited supplies of the bread gratis. This may be true, but how do
+they know? It may be true that in the sea we shall all get drowned for
+ever.
+
+These and similar doubts which, in many minds, have hardened into
+positive disbelief, are beginning to affect seriously the trade of
+the firm. But its interests are now so inextricably bound up with
+the interests of thousands and millions of well-to-do and respectable
+people, and on its solvency or apparent solvency depends that of so
+large a number of esteemed merchants, that we may expect the most
+desperate struggles to postpone its final bankruptcy. In the great
+Roman establishment the manager has been supported for many years by
+charitable contributions from every one whom he could persuade to give
+or lend, and now he wants to borrow much more. The superintendent of the
+shops in London is in these days begging for ten hundred thousand pounds
+to assist the poor firm in its difficulties.
+
+It seems a good sum of money; but, bless you, it is but a drop in the
+sea compared with what the business has already absorbed, and is still
+absorbing. Scattered shops in the most distant countries have only been
+sustained for many years by alms from customers here. The barbarians
+won’t eat the bread, but the bakers sent out must have their salaries.
+A million of pounds are being begged here; and people (who would
+prosecute a mendicant of halfpence) will give it no doubt! Yet, O worthy
+manager of the London Shops, one proved loaf of the real Bread would be
+infinitely more valuable, and would infinitely more benefit your firm!
+The villainy of the agents was monstrous, generation after generation,
+the cost of that which was promised without money and without price was
+ruinous for centuries; but not all the villainy and extortion multiplied
+a hundredfold could drive away the poor hungry customers while they had
+faith in the genuineness of the bread. It was the emptiness and the wind
+on the stomach after much eating, which raised the fatal doubts as to
+the *bona fides* of the whole concern. The great English managers had
+better ponder this; for at present they grope in the dark delusion that
+more and better bakers salaried with alms, and new shops opened with
+eleemosynary funds will bring customers to buy their bran cakes as
+wheaten loaves. A very dark delusion, indeed! If the pure promised bread
+cannot be supplied, no amount of money will keep the business going very
+long. Consider what millions on millions of pounds have been subscribed
+already, what royal revenues are pouring in still; all meant for
+investment in wholesome and nourishing food, but nearly all realised in
+hunger and emptiness, heartburn and flatulence. The old Roman shrewdly
+calculated that the House of Olympus would prove miserably insolvent
+if its affairs were wound up, if it tried honestly to pay back all the
+deposits of its customers. As for this more modern firm, one suspects
+that, in like case, it would prove so insolvent that it could not pay
+a farthing in the pound. For Olympus was a house that dealt largely in
+common worldly goods, and of these things really did give a considerable
+quantity to its clients for their money; but the new firm professed to
+sell things infinitely more valuable, and of these it cannot prove the
+delivery of a single parcel during the eighteen hundred years it has
+been receiving purchase-money unlimited.
+
+The humble compiler of this rapid and imperfect summary ought, perhaps,
+to give his own opinion of the firm and the partners, although he
+suffers under the disadvantage of caring very little for the business,
+and thinks that far too much time is wasted by both the friends and the
+enemies of the house in investigation of every line and figure in its
+books. He believes that Jah, the grand Jewish dealer, was a succession
+of several distinct personages; and will probably continue to believe
+thus until he learns that there was but one Pharaoh King of Egypt, but
+one Bourbon King of France, and that the House of Rothschild has always
+been one and the same man. He believes that the Son was by no means
+the child of the Father, that he was a much better character than the
+Father, that he was really and truly murdered, that his prospectus and
+business plans were very much more wise and honest and good than the
+prospectus as we have it now, and the system as it has actually been
+worked. He believes that the Comforter has really had a share in this as
+in every other business not wholly bad in the world, that he has never
+identified his interests with those of any firm, that specially he
+never committed himself to a partnership of unlimited liability with the
+Hebrew Jah, that he undoubtedly had extensive dealings with the Son, and
+placed implicit confidence in him while a living man, and that he will
+continue to deal profitably and bountifully with men long after the firm
+has become bankrupt and extinct. He believes that the corn of the true
+bread of life is sown and grown, reaped, ground, kneaded, baked and
+eaten on this side of the Black Sea. He believes that no firm or company
+whatever, with limited or unlimited liability, has the monopoly for the
+purveyance of this bread, that no charters can confer such monopoly,
+that the bread is only to be got pure by each individual for himself,
+and that no two individuals of judgment really like it prepared in
+exactly the same fashion, but that unfortunately (as his experience
+compels him to believe) the bulk of mankind will always in the future no
+less than in the past persist in endeavoring to procure it through great
+chartered companies, finally, he believes that the worthy chief baker
+in London with his million of money is extremely like the worthy Mrs.
+Partington with her mop against the Atlantic.
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE UPPER CIRCLES
+==================================
+
+(1866.)
+
+.. dropcap:: P Poor
+
+Poor dear God sat alone in his private chamber, moody, melancholy,
+miserable, sulky, sullen, weary, dejected, supenally hipped. It was
+the evening of Sunday, the 24th of December, 1865. Waters continually
+dripping wear away the hardest stone; year falling after year will at
+length overcome the strongest god: an oak-tree outlasts many generations
+of men; a mountain or a river outlasts many celestial dynasties. A cold
+like a thick fog in his head, rheum in his eyes, and rheumatism in his
+limbs and shoulders, his back bent, his chin peaked, his poll bald, his
+teeth decayed, his body all shivering, his brain all muddle, his heart
+all black care; no wonder the old gentleman looked poorly as he cowered
+there, dolefully sipping his Lachryma Christi. “I wish the other party
+would lend me some of his fire,” he muttered, “for it is horribly
+frigid up here.” The table was crowded and the floor littered with
+books and documents, all most unreadable reading: missionary reports,
+controversial divinity, bishops’ charges, religious periodicals, papal
+allocutions and encyclical letters, minutes of Exeter Hall meetings,
+ponderous blue books from the angelic bureaux—dreary as the humor of
+*Punch*, silly as the critiques of the *Times*, idiotic as the poetry
+of *All the Year Round*. When now and then he eyed them askance he
+shuddered more shockingly, and looked at his desk with loathing despair.
+For he had gone through a hard day’s work, with extra services
+appropriate to the sacred season; and for the ten-thousandth time he had
+been utterly knocked up and bewildered by the Athanasian Creed.
+
+While he sat thus, came a formal tap at the door, and his son entered,
+looking sublimely good and respectable, pensive with a pensiveness
+on which one grows comfortably fat. “Ah, my boy,” said the old
+gentleman, “you seem to get on well enough in these sad times: come to
+ask my blessing for your birthday *fête*?” “I fear that you are
+not well, my dear father; do not give way to dejection, there was once a
+man—
+
+“O, dash your parables! keep them for your disciples; they are not too
+amusing. Alack for the good old times!” “The wicked old times
+you mean, my father; the times when we were poor, and scorned,
+and oppressed; the times when heathenism and vain philosophy ruled
+everywhere in the world. Now, all civilised realms are subject to us,
+and worship us.” “And disobey us. You are very wise, much wiser than
+your old worn-out father; yet perchance a truth or two comes to me in
+solitude, when it can’t reach you through the press of your
+saints, and the noise of your everlasting preaching and singing
+and glorification. You know how I began life, the petty chief of
+a villainous tribe. But I was passionate and ambitious, subtle and
+strong-willed, and, in spite of itself, I made my tribe a nation; and I
+fought desperately against all the surrounding chiefs, and with pith of
+arm and wile of brain I managed to keep my head above water. But I lived
+all alone, a stern and solitary existence. None other of the gods was
+so friendless as I; and it is hard to live alone when memory is a sea of
+blood. I hated and despised the Greek Zeus and his shameless court; yet
+I could not but envy him, for a joyous life the rogue led. So I, like an
+old fool, must have my amour; and a pretty intrigue I got into with the
+prim damsel Mary! Then a great thought arose in me: men cannot be loyal
+to utter aliens; their gods must be human on one side, divine on the
+other; my own people were always deserting me to pay homage to bastard
+deities. I would adopt you as my own son (between ourselves, I have
+never been sure of the paternity), and admit you to a share in the
+government. Those infernal Jews killed you, but the son of a God could
+not die; you came up hither to dwell with me; I the old absolute king,
+you the modern tribune of the people. Here you have been ever since; and
+I don’t mind telling you that you were a much more loveable character
+below there as the man Jesus than you have proved above here as the Lord
+Christ. As some one was needed on earth to superintend the executive, we
+created the Comforter, prince royal and plenipotentiary; and behold us
+a divine triumvirate! The new blood was, I must own, beneficial. We
+lost Jerusalem, but we won Rome; Jove, Neptune, Apollo, Bacchus, and
+the rest, were conquered and slain; our leader of the opposition ejected
+Pluto and Pan. Only I did not bargain that my mistress should more than
+succeed to Juno, who was, at any rate, a lawful wife. You announced that
+our empire was peace; you announced likewise that it was war; both have
+served us. Our power extended, our glory rose; the chief of a miserable
+tribe has become emperor of Europe. But our empire was to be the whole
+world; yet instead of signs of more dominion, I see signs that what we
+have is falling to pieces. From my youth up I have been a man of war;
+and now that I am old and weary and wealthy, and want peace, peace flies
+from me. Have we not shed enough blood? Have we not caused enough tears?
+Have we not kindled enough fires? And in my empire what am I? Yourself
+and my mistress share all the power between you; I am but a name at
+the head of our proclamations. I have been a man of war, I am
+setting old and worn out, evil days are at hand, and I have never
+enjoyed life; therefore is my soul vexed within me. And my own subjects
+are as strangers. Your darling saints I cannot bear. The whimpering,
+simpering, canting, chanting blockheads! You were always happy in a
+pious miserableness, and you do not foresee the end. Do you know that
+in spite of our vast possessions we are as near bankruptcy as Spain or
+Austria? Do you know that our innumerable armies are a Chinese rabble
+of cowards and traitors? Do you know that our legitimacy (even if yours
+were certain) will soon avail us as little as that of the Bourbons has
+availed them? Of these things you are ignorant: you are so deafened with
+shouts and songs in your own praise that you never catch a whisper of
+doom. I would not quail if I had youth to cope with circumstance; none
+can say honestly that I ever feared a foe; but I am so weak that often
+I could not walk without leaning on you. Why did I draw out my life to
+this ignominious end? Why did I not fall fighting like the enemies I
+overcame? Why the devil did you get born at all, and then murdered
+by those rascally Jews, that I who was a warrior should turn into a
+snivelling saint? The heroes of Asgard have sunk into a deeper twilight
+than they foresaw; but their sunset, fervent and crimson with blood and
+with wine, made splendid that dawnless gloaming. The joyous Olympians
+have perished, but they all had lived and loved. For me, I have
+subsisted and hated. What of time is left to me I will spend in another
+fashion. Let us eat and drink, for to-morrow we die.” And he swallowed
+hastily a bumper of the wine, which threw him into convulsions of
+coughing.
+
+Serene and superior the son had let the old man run on. “Do not, I
+entreat you, take to drink in your old age, dear father. You say that
+our enemies lived and loved; but think how unworthy of divine rulers was
+their mode of life, how immoral, how imprudent, how disreputable, how
+savage, how lustful, how un-Chris-tian! What a bad example for poor
+human souls!” “Human souls be blessed! Are they so much improved
+now?... Would that at least I had conserved Jove’s barmaid; the
+prettiest, pleasantest girl they say (we know you are a Joseph, though
+you always had three or four women dangling about you); fair-ankled was
+the wench, bright-limbed; she might be unto me even as was Abishag, the
+Shunammite, unto my old friend David.” “Let us speak seriously, my
+father, of the great celebration to-morrow.” “And suppose I *am*
+speaking very seriously, you solemn prig; not a drop of my blood is
+there in you.”
+
+Here came a hurried knocking at the door, and the angelic ministers of
+state crawled in, with super-elaborate oriental cringings, to deliver
+their daily reports. “Messages from Brahma, Ormuzd, etc., to
+congratulate on the son’s birthday.” “The infidels! the
+mockers!” muttered the son. “Good words,” said the father; “they
+belong to older families than ours, my lad, and were once much more
+powerful. You are always trying to win over the parvenus.” “A riot
+in the holy city. The black angels organised to look after the souls of
+converted negroes having a free fight with some of the white ones. My
+poor lambs!” sighed the son. “Black sheep,” growled the father;
+“what is the row?” “They have plumed themselves brighter than
+peacocks, and scream louder than parrots; claim precedence over the
+angels of the mean whites; insist on having some of their own hymns and
+tunes in the programme of to-morrow’s concert.” “Lock’em all up,
+white and black, especially the black, till Tuesday morning; they can
+fight it out then—it’s Boxing Day. Well have quite enough noise
+to-morrow without ’em. Never understood the nigger question, for my
+part: was a slave-holder myself, and cursed Ham as much as pork.”
+“New saints grumbling about lack of civilised accommodation: want
+underground railways, steamers for the crystal sea, telegraph wires to
+every mansion, morning and evening newspapers, etc., etc,; have had
+a public meeting with a Yankee saint in the chair, and resolved that
+heaven is altogether behind the age.” “Confound it, my son, have I
+not charged you again and again to get some saints of ability up here?
+For years past every batch has been full of good-for-nothing noodles.
+Have we no engineers, no editors at all.” “One or two engineers, we
+believe, sire, but we can’t find a single editor.” “Give one
+of the *Record* fellows the measles, and an old *l’Univers* hand the
+cholera, and bring them up into glory at once, and we’ll have two
+daily papers. And while you are about it, see whether you can discover
+three or four pious engineers—not muffs, mind—and blow them up
+hither with their own boilers, or in any other handy way. Haste, haste,
+post haste!” “Deplorable catastrophe in the temple of the New
+Jerusalem: a large part of the foundation given way, main wall fallen,
+several hundred workmen bruised.” “Stop that fellow who just left;
+countermand the measles, the cholera will be enough; we will only have
+one journal, and that must be strictly official. If we have two, one
+will be opposition. Hush up the accident. It is strange that Pandemonium
+was built so much better and more quickly than our New Jerusalem!”
+“All our best architects and other artists have deserted into Elysium,
+my lord; so fond of the company of the old Greeks.”
+
+When these and many other sad reports had been heard, and the various
+ministers and secretaries savagely dismissed, the father turned to the
+son and said: “Did I not tell you of the evil state we are in?”
+“By hope and faith and charity, and the sublime doctrine of
+self-renunciation, all will yet come right, my father.” “Humph! let
+hope fill my treasury, and faith finish the New Jerusalem, and charity
+give us peace and quietness, and self-renunciation lead three-quarters
+of your new-fangled saints out of heaven; and then I shall look to have
+a little comfort.” “Will you settle to-morrow’s programme, sire?
+or shall I do my best to spare you the trouble?” “You do your best
+to spare me the trouble of reigning altogether, I think. What programme
+can there be but the old rehearsal for the eternal life (I wish you may
+get it)? O, that horrible slippery sea of glass, that bedevilled throne
+vomiting thunders and lightning, those stupid senile elders in white
+nightgowns, those four hideous beasts full of eyes, that impossible
+lamb with seven horns and one eye to each horn! O, the terrific
+shoutings and harpings and stifling incense! A pretty set-out for my
+time of life I And to think that you hope some time or other to begin
+this sort of thing as a daily amusement, and to carry it on for ever and
+ever! Not much appearance of its beginning soon, thank goodness—that
+is to say,, thank badness. Why can’t you have a play of Aristophanes,
+or Shakespeare, or Molière? Why should I meddle with the programme?
+I had nothing to do with first framing it. Besides, it is all in your
+honor, not in mine. You like playing the part of the Lamb; I’m much
+more like an old wolf. You are ravished when those beasts give glory and
+honour and thanks; as for me, I am utterly sick of them. Behold what
+I will do; I must countenance the affair, but I can do so without
+disturbing myself. I’ll not go thundering and roaring in my
+state-carriage of the whirlwind; I’ll slip there in a quiet cloud.
+You can’t do without my glory, but it really is too heavy for my aged
+shoulders; you may lay it upon the throne; it will look just as well.
+As for my speech, here it is all ready written out; let Mercury, I mean
+Raphael or Uriel, read it; I can’t speak plainly since I lost so many
+teeth. And now I consider the matter, what need is there for my actual
+presence at all? Have me there in effigy; a noble and handsome dummy can
+wear the glory with grace* Mind you have a handsome one; I wish all the
+artists had not deserted us. Your pious fellows make sad work of us,
+my son. But then their usual models are so ugly; your saints have good
+reason to speak of their vile bodies. How is it that all the pretty
+girls slip away to the other place, poor darlings? By the bye, who are
+going on this occasion to represent the twelve times twelve thousand of
+the tribes of Israel? Is the boy Mortara dead yet? He will make one
+real Jew.” “We are converting them, sire.”  “Not the whole gross
+of thousands yet, I trust? Faugh! what a greasy stench there would
+be—what a blazing of Jew jewelry!
+
+“Hand me the latest bluebook, with the reports....
+
+“Ah, I see; great success! Power of the Lord Christ! (always you, of
+course). Society flourishing. Eighty-two thousand pounds four shillings
+and twopence three-farthings last year from Christians aroused to the
+claims of the lost sheep of the House of Israel. (Very good.) Five
+conversions!! Three others have already been persuaded to eat pork
+sausages. (Better and better.) One, who drank most fervently of the
+communion wine suffered himself to be treated to an oyster supper.
+Another, being greatly moved, was heard to ejaculate, ‘O,
+Christ!’... Hum, who are the five? Moses Isaacs: wasn’t he a
+Christian ten years ago in Italy, and afterwards a Mahommedan in
+Salonica, and afterwards a Jew in Marseilles? This Mussulman is your
+oyster-man, I presume? You will soon get the one hundred and forty-four
+thousand at this rate, my son! and cheap too!”
+
+He chuckled, and poured out another glass of Lachryma Christi; drank it,
+made a wry face, and then began coughing furiously. “Poor drink this
+for a god in his old age. Odin and Jupiter fared better. Though decent
+for a human tipple, for a divinity it is but *ambrosie stygiale*, as my
+dear old favorite chaplain would call it. I have his devotional works
+under lock and key there in my desk. *Apropos*, where is he? Left us
+again for a scurry through the more jovial regions? I have not seen him
+for a long time.” “My father! really, the words he used, the life he
+led; so corrupting for the young saints! We were forced to invite him to
+travel a little for the benefit of his health. The court *must* be kept
+pure, you know.” “Send for him instantly, sir. He is out of favor
+because he likes the old man and laughs at your saints, because he
+can’t cant and loves to humbug the humbugs. Many a fit of the blues
+has he cured for me, while you only make them bluer. Have him fetched at
+once. O, I know you never liked him; you always thought him laughing
+at your sweet pale face and woebegone airs, laughing ‘*en horrible
+sarcasm et sanglante derision*’ (what a style the rogue has! what
+makes that of your favorite parsons and holy ones so flaccid and flabby
+and hectic?) ‘Physician, heal thyself!’ So, in plain words, you have banished
+him; the only jolly soul left amongst us, my pearl and diamond and red
+ruby of Chaplains, abstracter of the quintessence of pantagruelism! The
+words he used! I musn’t speak freely myself now, and the old books I
+wrote are a great deal too coarse for you Michael and Gabriel told
+me the other day that they had just been severely lectured on the
+earnestness of life by one of your new *protégés*; they had to kick
+him howling into limbo. A fine set of solemn prigs we are getting!”
+“My father, the holiness of sorrow, the infiniteness of suffering!”
+“Yes, yes, I know all about it. That long-winded poet of yours (he
+does an ode for you to-morrow?) began to sermonise me thereon. By
+Jupiter, he wanted to arouse me to a sense of my inner being and
+responsibilities and so forth. I very soon packed him off to the infant
+school where he teaches the alphabet and catechism to the babies
+and sucklings. Have you sent for my jovial, joyous, jolly Curé of
+Meudon?” “I have; but I deeply regret that your Majesty thinks
+it fitting to be intimate with such a free-liver, such a glutton and
+wine-bibber and mocker and buffoon.” “Bah! you patronised the
+publicans and sinners yourself in your younger and better days. The
+strict ones blamed you for going about eating and drinking so much. I
+hear that some of your newest favorites object to the wine in your last
+supper, and are going to insist on vinegar-and-water in future.”
+
+Whereupon entered a man of a noble and courtly presence, lively-eyed
+and golden bearded, ruddy complexioned, clear-browed, thoughtful, yet
+joyous, serene and unabashed. “Welcome, thrice welcome, my beloved
+Alcofribas!” cried the old monarch; “very long is it since last I
+saw you.” “I have been exiled since then, your Majesty.” “And I
+knew nothing of it!” “And thought nothing of it or of me until you
+wanted me. No one expects the King to have knowledge of what is passing
+under his eyes.” “And how did you manage to exist in exile, my poor
+chaplain?” “Much better than here at court, sire. If your Majesty
+wants a little pleasure, I advise you to get banished yourself. Your
+parasites and sycophants and courtiers are a most morose, miserable,
+ugly, detestable, intolerable swarm of blind beetles and wasps; the
+devils are beyond comparison better company.” “What! you have been
+mixing with traitors?” “Oh, I spent a few years in Elysium, but
+didn’t this time go into the lower circles. But while I sojourned as a
+country gentleman on the heavenly borders, I met a few contrabandists. I
+need not tell you that large, yea, enormous quantities of beatitude
+are smuggled out of your dominions.” “But what is smuggled in?”
+“Sire, I am not an informer; I never received anything out of the
+secret-service money. The poor angels are glad to run a venture at odd
+times, to relieve the tedium of everlasting Te Deum. By the bye, I saw
+*the* Devil himself.” “The Devil in my kingdom! What is Uriel about?
+he’ll have to be superannuated.” “Bah! your Majesty knows very
+well that Satan comes in and returns as and when he likes. The passport
+system never stops the really dangerous fellows. When he honored me with
+a call he looked the demurest young saint, and I laughed till I got
+the lockjaw at his earnest and spiritual discourse. He would have taken
+yourself in, much more Uriel. You really ought to get him on the list
+of court chaplains. He and I were always good friends, so if anything
+happens.... It may be well for you if you can disguise yourself as
+cleverly as he. A revolution is not quite impossible, you know.” The
+Son threw up his hands in pious horror; the old King, in one of his
+spasms of rage, hurled the blue-book at the speaker’s head, which
+it missed, but knocked down and broke his favorite crucifix. “Jewcy
+fiction *versus* crucifixion, sire; *magna est veritas et prevalebit!*
+Thank Heaven, all that folly is *out*side my brains; it is not the first
+book full of cant and lies and stupidity that has been flung at me. Why
+did you not let me finish? The Devil is no fonder than your sacred self
+of the new opinions; in spite of the proverb, he loves and dotes upon
+holy water. If you cease to be head of the ministry, he ceases to be
+head of the opposition; he wouldn’t mind a change, an innings for him
+and an outings for you; but these latest radicals want to crush both
+Whigs and Tories. He was on his way to confer with some of your Privy
+Council, to organise joint action for the suppression of new ideas. You
+had better be frank and friendly with him. Public opposition and private
+amity are perfectly consistent and praiseworthy. He has done you
+good service before now; and you and your Son have always been of the
+greatest assistance to him.” “By the temptation of Job! I must see
+to it. And now no more business. I am hipped, my Rabelais; we must have
+a spree. The cestus of Venus, the lute of Apollo, we never could find;
+but there was sweeter loot in the sack of Olympus, and our cellars
+are not yet quite empty. We will have a *petit souper* of ambrosia
+and nectar.” “My father! my father! did you not sign the pledge to
+abstain from these heathen stimulants?” “My beloved Son, with whom I
+am not at all well pleased, go and swill water till you get the dropsy,
+and permit me to do as I like. No wonder people think that I am failing
+when my child and my mistress rule for me!”
+
+The Son went out, shaking his head, beating his breast, scrubbing his
+eyes, wringing his hands, sobbing and murmuring piteously. “The poor
+old God! my dear old father! Ah, how he is breaking! Alack, he will
+not last long! Verily, his wits are leaving him! Many misfortunes and
+disasters would be spared us were he to abdicate prudently at once. Or a
+regency might do. But the evil speakers and slanderers would say that I
+am ambitious. I must get the matter judiciously insinuated to the Privy
+Council. Alack! alack!”
+
+“Let him go and try on his suit of lamb’s wool for to-morrow,”
+said the old monarch. “I have got out of the rehearsal, my friend;
+I shall be conspicuous by my absence; there will be a dummy in my
+stead.” “Rather perilous innovation, my Lord; the people may think
+that the dummy does just as well, that there is no need to support
+the original.” “Shut up, shut up, O, my Curé; no more politics,
+confound our politics! It is Sunday, so we must have none but chaplains
+here. You may fetch Friar John and sweet Dean Swift and the amiable
+parson Sterne, and any other godly and devout and spiritual ministers
+you can lay hold of; but don’t bring more than a pleiad.” “With
+Swift for the lost one; he is cooling his ‘sæva indignatio’ in
+the Devil’s kitchen-furnace just now, comforting poor Addison,
+who hasn’t got quit for his death-bed brandy yet.” “A night of
+devotion will we have, and of inextinguishable laughter; and with the
+old liquor we will pour out the old libations. Yea, Gargantuan shall be
+the feast; and this night, and to-morrow, and all next week, and twelve
+days into the new year the hours shall reel and roar with Pantagruelism.
+Quick, for the guests, and I will order the banquet!” “With all my
+heart, sire, will I do this very thing. Parsons and pastors, pious and
+devout, will I lead back, choice and most elect souls worthy of the old
+drink delectable. And I will lock and double bolt the door, and first
+warm the chamber by burning all these devilish books; and will leave
+word with the angel on guard that we are not to be called for three
+times seven days, when all these Christmas fooleries and mummeries are
+long over. Amen. Selah. *Au revoir*. Tarry till I come.”
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+A WORD ON BLASPHEMY.
+
+(1867.)
+
+This is one of our few and far-between outbursts of Rabelasian laughter,
+irresistibly provoked by the aggressive absurdities of theology; and as
+such I consider it thoroughly defensible. In all seriousness I affirm
+that its mockery is far less “blasphemous” than the solemn outrage
+on reason, the infernal damnation of all mankind who are sensible and
+sane or who are even mad otherwise than the author, the cold-blooded
+dissection of the infinite and eternal God as a superior surgeon may
+dissect an inferior corpse, perpetrated by its prototype the so-called
+Athanasian Creed. I do not see in what the statement that an old
+monkey of the tribe once saw the tail of this great big monkey is more
+irreverent than that other statement how Moses of the tribe of Levi once
+saw the back parts of the Lord; whom the Church believes to be a Spirit
+infinite, without parts, a sort of omnipresent æther or supersubtle
+gas. Nor do I see that the monkey, who is at least a natural animal, is
+a more outrageous symbol or emblem than the utterly unnatural Lamb as
+it had been slain, with seven horns and seven eyes, encompassed by all
+“the menagerie of the Apocalypse.” It would be easy to produce, I
+think, mockeries far more insulting, buffooneries far more bitter
+and malignant, lavished upon Paganism, Socinianism, Atheism, and many
+another *ism*, in the works of the most saintly divines. The hierarchy
+of Olympus is more venerable than the triune Lord of the New Jerusalem;
+yet how is it treated in our most popular burlesques? I go to a theatre
+and find a Christian audience, very tenderly sensitive as to their own
+religious feelings rolling with laughter and thundering applause at
+the representation of a ballet-girl Jupiter ascending in a car like a
+monstrous coal-scuttle, with a deboshed mechanical eagle nodding its
+head tipsily to the pit; a male Minerva, spectacles on nose, who takes
+sly gulps from a gin bottle and dances a fish-fag carmagnole; a Bacchus
+sprawling about drunken and brutish as Caliban; all uttering idiotic
+puns and singing idiotic songs. And if other mythologies were equally
+familiar, they would doubtless be maltreated with equal contempt. You
+thus deliver over to your dismal comic writers, to your clowns and
+merry-andrews and bayaderes, the gods of Homer and Æschylus, of
+Herodotus, Pindar and Phidias, you the sanctimonious and reverent
+modern Britons; and you cry out aghast against “atrocious blasphemy”
+touching a Divinity, who was first the anthropomorphic clan-god of a
+petty Syrian tribe, who grew afterwards into a vague Ormuzd with the
+devil for Ahriman when this tribe had been captive in Babylonia, whom
+you have filched from this tribe which you still detest and disdain,
+with whom you have associated two colleagues declared by this tribe
+(which surely ought to know best) utterly spurious, whom you worship
+with rites borrowed from old pagans you decry, and discuss in divinity
+borrowed from old philosophers and schoolmen you sneer at; who gave to
+his tribe some millenniums back laws which you preserve in the filched
+book of your idolatry, but which not one of you dare read to his wife
+and children; whose son and colleague gave you laws which are certainly
+readable enough, but which you are so far from obeying that you would
+assuredly consign to Bedlam any one seeking to act upon them perfectly.
+
+But mockery of the Olympians hurts no one’s feelings, while mockery
+of the Tri-unity hurts the feelings of nearly all who hear or see it? I
+know that there are here and there a few pious and tender hearts, with
+whom habitude has become nature; people who, having less intellectual
+than cordial energy, more affection and reverence than curiosity and
+self-reliance, pour their whole melted nature into whatever religious
+moulds chance to be nearest, and harden to the exact shape and size of
+the mould, so that any blow struck upon it jars and wounds them; and
+the feelings of these I should be very loth to hurt. I care not for
+propagandism in general, and in such cases above all propagandism is
+certainly useless. Why seek to convert women to a struggling faith? Let
+the women be always on the victorious side, let the men do the fighting
+and endure the hardships. When their struggling faith has conquered such
+triumph as it merits, they will find the women all at once in agreement
+with them, converted not by ideas (for which women care not an
+apple-dumpling) but by feminine love and loyalty to manhood. One must
+always be very loth, I say, to wound the feelings of the pious and
+tender hearts, of the beautiful feminine souls; and fortunately these
+love to seclude themselves in tranquillity, avoiding debates and
+controversies. Whose religious feelings, then, are likely to be wounded
+by “atrocious blasphemies,” by “blasphemous indecencies”? The
+feelings of “the gentle spirit of our meek Review,” the benign and
+holy *Saturday!* The feelings of tract distributors, scripture-readers,
+polemical parsons, all those in general who violate every courtesy of
+life to thrust their narrowminded dogmas upon others, and who preach
+everlasting damnation against people too sensible to care for their
+ranting! They outrage our reason, they vilify our human nature, they
+blaspheme our world, they pollute our flesh, and they wind up by dooming
+us to eternal torture because we differ from them: these trifles are,
+of course, not supposed to hurt *our* feelings. We endeavor to enthrone
+human reason, to ennoble human nature, to restore the human body to its
+pure dignity, to develop the beauty and glory of the world; and we
+wind up, not by retorting upon them their fiendish curses, not even by
+laughing at the idea of an almighty and all-good God, but by laughing at
+their notions of an almighty and all-good God, who has a Hell ready
+for the vast majority of us: this horrible laugh lacerates their
+pious sensibilities, and we hear the venomous whine of “atrocious
+blasphemy.” After condemning us to death they commit us for contempt
+of court, which surely is an anomalous procedure!
+
+You can mock the Grecian mythology, you can burlesque Shakespeare,
+without wounding any pious heart? No: Olympus is as sacred to many as
+Mount Sion is to you; our own Shakespeare is as venerable and dear to us
+as to you that bundle of dissimilar anonymous treatises which you have
+made coherent by help of the bookbinder and called the Book of Books.
+And mark this; the Grecian mythology is dead, is no longer aggressive
+in its absurdities; the priestcraft and the foul rites have long since
+perished, the beauty and the grace and the splendor remain. But your
+composite theology is still alive, is insolently aggressive, its lust
+for tyrannical dominion is unbounded; therefore we must attack it if we
+would not be enslaved by it. The cross is a sublime symbol; I would no
+more think of treating it with disrespect while it held itself aloft in
+the serene heaven of poetry than of insulting the bow of Phoebus Apollo
+or the thunderbolts of Zeus; but if coarse hands will insist on pulling
+it down upon my back as a ponderous wooden reality, what can I do but
+fling it off as a confounded burden not to be borne?
+
+And now let us consider for a moment the meaning of this word
+“blasphemy,” which is the burden of the *S. R.’s* slanderous song;
+not the legal meaning, but the philosophic, the sense in which it would
+be used by enlightened and fair controversialists. The most Christian
+*S. R.* says to the Atheistic Iconoclast, You blaspheme. Whom? The
+Christian God! And the *S, R.* does not appear to see that it is
+assuming the very existence of God which is in dispute between
+itself and Iconoclast! For the Atheist, God is a figment, nothing; in
+blaspheming God he therefore blasphemes nothing. A man really blasphemes
+when he mocks, insults, pollutes, vilifies that which he really believes
+to be holy and awful. Thus a Christian who really believes in the
+Christian God (and there *may* be a hundred such Christians in England)
+can be guilty of blasphemy against that God, whether that God really
+subsists or not; for such a Christian in mocking or vilifying God would
+really be violating the most sacred convictions of his own nature.
+Speaking philosophically, an honest Atheist can no more blaspheme God
+than an honest Republican can be disloyal to a King, than an unmarried
+man can be guilty of conjugal infidelity.
+
+     [This “Word on Blasphemy,” as I have ventured to call it, is
+     from a long article on the *Saturday Review* and the
+     *National Reformer*, the rest of which was of merely
+     temporary interest, and that only to the readers of those
+     two journals. The “outburst of Rabelasian laughter” which so
+     provoked the *Saturday Review*, was a short satire on
+     Christian theology and priestcraft, entitled “The Fanatical
+     Monkeys,” ascribed to Charles Southwell, and just then
+     published in the *National Reformer*.—Editor.]
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+HEINE ON AN ILLUSTRIOUS EXILE WITH SOMETHING ABOUT WHALES
+=========================================================
+
+(From the “De l’Allemagne.”) (1867.)
+
+.. dropcap:: N Neptune
+
+Neptune is still the monarch of the empire of the seas, and Pluto
+(although metamorphosed into the Devil) has retained the throne of
+Tartarus. They have both been more lucky than their brother Jupiter, who
+had to suffer specially the vicissitudes of fortune. This third son of
+Saturn, who after the fall of his sire assumed the sovereignty of the
+heavens, reigned for a long series of years on the summit of Olympus,
+surrounded by a jovial court of high and of most high gods and demigods,
+as well as on high and of most high goddesses and nymphs—their
+celestial ladies of the bedchamber and maids of honor, who all led a
+joyous life, replete with ambrosia and nectar, despising the clowns
+attached to the soil down here, and taking no thought of the morrow.
+Alas, when the reign of the Cross, the empire of suffering, was
+proclaimed, the supreme Chronide emigrated and disappeared amidst the
+tumult of the barbarian tribes which invaded the Roman world. All traces
+of the ex-God were lost, and I have questioned in vain old chronicles
+and old women; no one has been able to furnish me with any information
+as to his destiny. I have burrowed in many a library, where I made them
+bring me the most magnificent *codex* enriched with gold and jewels,
+veritable odalisques in the harem of science; and as is the custom, I
+here render my public thanks to the erudite eunuchs who, without too
+much grumbling and sometimes even with affability, have given me access
+to these luminous treasures confided to their care. I am now convinced
+that the middle ages have not bequeathed to us any traditions concerning
+the fate of Jupiter after the fall of Paganism. All that I have been
+able to discover in connection with this subject is the history told me
+long ago by my friend Niels Andersen.
+
+I have just mentioned Niels Andersen, and this good figure, at once so
+droll and so lovable, emerges all riant in my memory. I must devote a
+few lines to him here. For the rest, I like to indicate my authorities
+and to show their good or bad qualities, in order that the reader may be
+in a position to judge himself how far these authorities deserve to be
+trusted.
+
+Niels Andersen, born at Drontheim, in Norway, was one of the most
+skilful and intrepid whalers I have ever known. It is to him that I am
+indebted for what knowledge I have of the whale fishery. He taught
+me all the subtleties of the art; he made me acquainted with all the
+stratagems and dodges which the intelligent animal employs to baffle
+these subtle snares and make its escape. It was Niels Andersen who
+taught me the management of the harpoon; he showed me how you should
+fix the knee of the right leg against the gun-whale of the boat when
+launching the harpoon, and how with the left leg you launch a vigorous
+kick at the imbecile sailor who don’t pay out quickly enough the rope
+attached to the harpoon. To him I owe all, and if I have not become
+a famous whaler the fault rests neither with Niels Andersen nor with
+myself, but with my evil star, which has never allowed me in the course
+of my life to encounter any whale with which I might have engaged in
+honorable combat. I have only encountered vulgar stockfish and miserable
+herrings. Of what use is the best harpoon when you have to deal with a
+herring? Now that my limbs are paralysed I must renounce for ever the
+hope of pursuing whales. When at Ritzebuttel, near Cuxhaven, I made the
+acquaintance of Niels Andersen. He was scarcely more nimble himself, for
+off the coast of Senegal a young shark, which no doubt took his right
+leg for a stick of barley sugar, had snapped it off with a snap of his
+teeth. Since then poor Niels Andersen went limping upon an artificial
+leg manufactured from one of the firs of his country, and which he
+extolled as a masterpiece of Norwegian carpentry. His greatest pleasure
+at this period was to perch himself on the top of a large empty barrel,
+on the belly of which he drummed away with his wooden leg. I often
+helped him to climb upon this barrel; but sometimes, when he wished to
+get down again, I would not give him my help except on the condition
+that he told me one of his curious traditions of the Arctic Sea.
+
+As Mahomet-Ebn-Mansour commences all his poems with a eulogy of the
+horse, so Niels Andersen prefaced all his narratives with a panegyrical
+enumeration of the qualities of the whale. He of course commenced with
+such a panegyric the legend we give here.
+
+“The whale,” he said, “is not only the largest, but also the most
+magnificent of animals; the two jets of water leaping from his nostrils,
+placed at the top of his head, give him the appearance of a fountain,
+and produce a magical effect, above all at night, in the moonshine.
+Moreover, this beast is sympathetic. He has a good character and much
+taste for conjugal life. It is a touching sight,” he added, “to see
+a family of whales grouped around its venerable patriarch, and couched
+upon an enormous mass of ice, basking in the sun. Sometimes the young
+ones begin to frisk and romp, and at length all plunge into the sea
+to play at hide-and-seek among the immense ice-blocks. The purity of
+manners and the chastity of the whales should be attributed less
+to moral principles than to the iciness of the water wherein they
+continually sport. Nor can it, unhappily, be denied,” went on Niels
+Anderson, “that they have not any pious sentiment, that they are
+totally devoid of religion....”
+
+“I believe this is an error,” I cried, interrupting my friend. “I
+have lately read the report of a Dutch missionary, wherein he describes
+the magnificence of the creation, which, according to him, reveals
+itself even in the polar regions at the hour of sunrise, and when
+the teams of day, transfiguring the gigantic rocks of ice, make them
+resemble those castles of diamonds we read of in fairy tales. All this
+beauty of the creation, in the judgment of the good *dominie*, is a
+proof of the power of God which influences every living creature, so
+that not only man, but likewise a great brute of a fish, ravished by
+this spectacle, adores the Creator and addresses to him its prayers. The
+*dominie* assures us that he has seen with his own eyes a whale which
+held itself erect against the wall of a block of ice, and swayed the
+upper part of its body as men do in prayer.”
+
+Niels Andersen admitted that he had himself seen whales which, propping
+themselves against a cliff of ice, indulged in movements very similar to
+those we remark in the oratories of the various religious sects, but
+he maintained that devotion has nothing to do with this phænomenon.
+He explained it on physiological grounds; he called my attention to the
+fact that the whale, this Chimborazo of animals, has beneath its
+skin strata of fat of a depth so prodigious that a single whale often
+furnishes a hundred to a hundred and fifty barrels of tallow and
+oil. These layers of fat are so thick that while the colossus sleeps,
+stretched at its full length upon an icefield, hundreds of water rats
+can come and settle in it. These *convives* immensely larger and more
+voracious than the rats of the mainland, lead joyous life under the skin
+of the whale, where day and night they gorge themselves with the most
+delicious fat without being obliged to quit their holes. These banquets
+of vermin at length trouble their involuntary host and even cause him
+excessive sufferings. Not having hands as we have, who, God be thanked,
+can scratch ourselves when we feel an itching, the whale tries to
+mitigate his pangs by placing himself against the protruding and sharp
+angles of a rock of ice, and by there rasping his back with a real
+fervor and with vigorous movements up and down, as we see the dogs
+rasping their skin against a bed-post when the fleas bite them overmuch.
+Now in these movements the good *dominie* thought he saw the edifying
+act of prayer, and he attributed to devotion the jerkings occasioned by
+the orgies of the rats. Enormous as is the quantity of oil in the whale,
+it has not the least religious sentiment. It is only among animals
+of mediocre stature that we find any religion; the very great, the
+creatures gigantic like the whale are not endowed with it. What can be
+the reason? Is it that they cannot find a church sufficiently spacious
+to afford them entrance into its pale? Nor have the whales any taste for
+the prophets, and the one which swallowed Jonah was not able to digest
+that great preacher; seized with nausea, it vomited him after three
+days. Most certainly that proves the absence of all religious sentiment
+in these monsters. The whale, therefore, would never choose an ice-block
+for prayer-cushion, and sway itself in attitudes of devotion. It adores
+as little the true God who resides above there in heaven, as the false
+pagan god who dwells near the arctic pole, in the Isle of the Rabbits,
+where the dear beast goes sometimes to pay him a visit.
+
+“What is this *Isle of Rabbits*?” I asked Niels Andersen. Drumming
+on the barrel with his wooden leg, he answered, “It is exactly in this
+isle that the events took place of which I am going to tell you. I am
+not able to give you its precise geographical position. Since its first
+discovery no one has been able to visit it again; the enormous mountains
+of ice accumulated around it bar the approach. Once only has it been
+visited, by the crew of a Russian whaler driven by-tempests into those
+northern latitudes, and that was more than a hundred years ago. When
+these sailors, reached it with their ship they found it deserted and
+uncultivated. Sickly stalks of broom swayed sadly upon the quicksands;
+here and there were scattered some dwarf shrubs and stunted firs
+crouching on the sterile soil. Rabbits ran about everywhere in great
+numbers; and this is the reason the sailors call the islet the *Isle of
+Rabbits*. A cabin, the only one they discovered, announced the presence
+of a human being. When the mariners had entered the hut they saw an old
+man, arrived at the most extreme decrepitude and miserably muffled in
+rabbit skins. He was seated upon a stone settle, and warmed his thin
+hands and trembling knees at the grate where some brushwood was burning.
+At his right hand stood a monstrously large bird, which seemed to be an
+eagle; but the moulting of time had so cruelly stripped it that only the
+great stiff main-plumes of its wings were left, so that the aspect of
+this naked animal was at once ludicrous and horribly ugly. On the left
+of the old man was couched upon the ground an aged bald-skinned she-got,
+yet with a gentle look, and which, in spite of its great age, had the
+dugs swollen with milk and the teats fresh and rosy.
+
+“Among the sailors who had landed on the Isle of Rabbits there were
+some Greeks, and one of these, thinking that the man of the hut could
+not understand his tongue, said to his comrades in Greek, ‘This queer
+old fellow must be either a ghost or an evil spirit.’ At these words
+the old man trembled and rose suddenly from his seat, and the sailors,
+to their great astonishment, saw a lofty and imposing figure, which,
+with imperious and even majestic dignity, held itself erect in spite of
+the weight of years, so that the head reached the rafters of the roof.
+His lineaments, though worn and ravaged, conserved traces of beauty;
+they were noble and perfectly regular. Thin locks of silver hair fell
+upon the forehead wrinkled by pride and by age; his eyes, though
+glazed and lustreless, darted keen regards, and his finely-curved lips
+pronounced in the Greek language, mingled with many archaisms, these
+words resonant and harmonious:—‘You are mistaken, young man, I am
+neither a spectre nor an evil spirit; I am an unfortunate who has seen
+better days. But you—what are you.’
+
+“At this demand the seamen acquainted their host with the accident
+which had driven them out of their course, and they begged him to tell
+them all about the isle. But the old man could give them but scant
+information. He told them that from immemorial times he had dwelt
+in this isle, of which the ramparts of ice offered him a sure refuge
+against his implacable enemies, who had usurped his legitimate rights;
+that his main subsistence was derived from the rabbits with which
+the isle abounded; that every year, at the season when the floating
+ice-blocks formed a compact mass, troops of savages in sledges visited
+him, who, in exchange for his rabbit skins, gave him all sorts of
+articles most necessary to life. The whales, he said, which now and then
+approached his isle, were his favorite society. Nevertheless, he
+added that he felt much pleasure at this moment in speaking his native
+language, being Greek by birth. He begged his compatriots to inform him
+as to the then state of Greece. He learnt with a malicious joy, badly
+dissimulated, that the Cross once surmounting the towers of the Hellenic
+cities had been shattered; he showed less satisfaction when they told
+him that this Christian symbol had been replaced by the Crescent. The
+most singular thing was that none of the seamen knew the names of the
+towns concerning which he questioned them, and which, according to him,
+had been flourishing cities in his time. On the other hand, the names by
+which the seamen designated the towns and villages of modern Greece were
+completely unknown to him; and the old man shook his head often, as if
+quite overwhelmed, and the sailors looked at each other with wonder.
+They saw well that he knew perfectly the localities of the country, even
+to the minutest details; for he described clearly and exactly the gulfs,
+the peninsulas, the capes, often even, the most insignificant hills and
+isolated groups of rocks. His ignorance of the commonest typographical
+names, therefore astonished them all the more.
+
+“The old man asked, with the most lively interest, and even with a
+certain anxiety, about an ancient temple, which, he said, had been
+of old the grandest in all Greece. None of his hearers recognised the
+name,, which he pronounced with tender emotion. At last,, when he had
+minutely described the place where this, monument stood, a young seaman
+suddenly recognised the spot. ‘The village where I was born,’ he
+exclaimed, ‘is situated precisely there. During my childhood I have
+long watched there the pigs of my father. On this site there are, in
+fact, the ruins of very ancient constructions, which must have been
+incredibly magnificent. Here and there you see some columns still erect;
+they are isolated or connected by fragments of roofing, whence hang
+tendrils of honeysuckle and red bind-weeds. Other columns, some of them
+red marble, lie fractured on the grass. The ivy has invaded their superb
+capitals, formed of flowers and foliage delicately chiselled. Great
+slabs of marble, squared fragments of wall and triangular pieces of
+roofing, are scattered about, half-buried in the earth. I have often,
+continued the young man, ‘passed hours at a time in examining the
+combats and the games, the dances and the processions, the beautiful
+and ludicrous figures which are sculptured there. Unfortunately these
+sculptures are much injured by time, and are covered with moss and
+creepers. My father, whom I once asked what these ruins were, told me
+that they were the remnants of an ancient temple, of old inhabited by a
+Pagan God, who not only indulged in the most gross debaucheries, but who
+was, moreover, guilty of incest and other infamous vices; that in their
+blindness the idolators had, nevertheless, immolated oxen, often by
+hundreds, at the foot of his altar. My father assured me that we still
+saw the marble basin wherein they had gathered the blood of the victims,
+and that it was precisely the trough to which I frequently led my swine
+to drink the rain-water, and in which I also preserved the refuse which
+my animals devoured with so much appetite.’
+
+“When the young sailor had thus spoken, the old man gave a deep sigh
+of the most bitter anguish; he sank nerveless upon the stone seat, and
+hiding his visage in his hands, wept like a child. The bird at his
+side emitted terrible cries, spread its enormous wings, and menaced the
+strangers with talons and beak. The she-goat moaned and licked the hands
+of her master, whose sorrows she seemed trying to comfort by her humble
+caresses. At this sight a strange trouble swelled in the hearts of the
+seamen; they hastily quitted the hut, and did not feel at ease until
+they could no more hear the sobbings of the old man, the croakings of
+the hideous bird, and the bleatings of the goat. When they got on board
+their vessel again they related their adventures. Among the crew there
+chanced to be a scholar, who declared that it was an event of the
+highest importance. Applying with a sagacious air his right forefinger
+to his nose, he assured the seamen that the old man of the Isle of
+Rabbits was beyond all doubt the ancient god Jupiter, son of Saturn and
+Rhea, once sovereign lord of the gods; that the bird which they had
+seen at his side was evidently the famous eagle which used to bear the
+thunderbolts in its talons; and that, in all probability, the goat was
+the old nurse Amalthea, which had of old suckled the god in the isle of
+Crete, and which now continued to nourish him with its milk in the Isle
+of Rabbits.”
+
+Such was the history of Niels Andersen, and it made my heart bleed.
+I will not dissemble; already his revelations concerning the secret
+sufferings of the whale had profoundly saddened me. Poor animal! against
+this vile mob of rats, which house themselves in your body and gnaw you
+incessantly, no remedy avails, and you carry them about with you to the
+end of your days; rush as you will to the north and to the south, rasp
+yourself against the ice-rocks of the two poles, you can never get
+rid of these villainous rats? But pained as I had been by the outrage
+wreaked upon the poor whales, my soul was infinitely more troubled by
+the tragical fate of this old man who, according to the mythological
+theory of the learned Russian, was the heretofore King of the gods,
+Jupiter the *Chronide*. Yes, he, even he, was subject to the fatality
+of Destiny, from which not the immortals themselves can escape; and the
+spectacle of such calamities horrifies us, in filling us with pity and
+indignation. Be Jupiter, be the sovereign lord of the world, the frown
+of whose brows made tremble the universe! be chanted by Homer, and
+sculptured by Phidias in gold and ivory; be adored by a hundred nations
+during long centuries; be the lover of Semele, of Danae, of Europa, of
+Alcmena, of Io, of Leda, of Calisto! and after all, nothing will remain
+at the end but a decrepit old man, who to gain his miserable livelihood
+has to turn dealer in rabbit skins, like any poor Savoyard. Such a
+spectacle will no doubt give pleasure to the vile multitude, which
+insults to-day that which it adored yesterday. Perhaps among these
+worthy people are to be found some of the descendants of those unlucky
+bulls which were of old immolated in hecatombs upon the altar of
+Jupiter; let such rejoice in his fall, and mock him at their ease, in
+revenge for the blood of their ancestors, victims of idolatry; as
+for me, my soul is singularly moved, and I am seized with dolorous
+commiseration at the view of this august misfortune.
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+THE DAILY NEWS
+==============
+
+(1874.)
+
+::    “Ich hab’ mein Sach auf Nichts gestellt,
+    Juchhe!
+    Drum ist’s so wohl mir in der Welt;
+    Juchhe!”—Gôthe.
+
+    “He got so subtle that to be
+    Nothing was all his glory.”
+    Shelley, “Peter Bell the Third”
+
+.. dropcap:: I It
+
+It is now some time since the *Daily News*, which, perhaps with more
+honor than profit, and not seldom at great risk of its life, had been
+for many years a really leading Liberal journal, fighting gallantly
+always in the van, often in forlorn hopes, took to heart a certain
+very-obvious truth. It awoke fully to the fact that while a captain in
+the forlorn hope or vanguard is constantly in great peril, and has but
+few supporters, one with the main body is much less exposed and has many
+more to help him. Weary and discouraged, it resolved to fall back from
+the front and join the mass of the army, the myriads of the commonplace
+and the timorous, the legions of the rich and respectable, the countless
+hosts of the snobbery of Bumbledom. But in making this “strategic
+movement,” it is well aware that honor equal to the danger is attached
+to the forlorn hope and the vanguard, and it clung to the honor while
+renouncing the danger, and continued to call itself a leading Liberal
+journal when it had quite given up the lead—nay, continues thus
+to vaunt itself still. This is how some malicious people explain the
+altered position of the Daily News and its growing number of supporters,
+or, in the language of periodicals, its increasing circulation. Now, say
+these impatient and intemperate persons, a paper is free to serve Bumble
+(as nearly all papers do), or to serve Progress, the enemy of Bumble;
+but it has no right, while serving the one, to claim the merit of
+serving the other. This *Daily News*, they go on, which still dares to
+call itself Liberal, is now just as liberal as the jester’s Garrick,
+who used to set out with generous intentions, and was scared back at the
+corner of the street by the ghost of a ha’penny. In its case it is
+the ghost of a penny, the ghost of the representative penny of all the
+pennies ready to buy vapid twaddle, but not earnest thought.
+
+For my own part, however, I find the *Daily News* still really liberal,
+and, in fact, extremely liberal. It is liberal in long special telegrams
+and interminable Jenkins letters about the most insignificant movements
+and actions of royal personages. It is equally liberal in reticence,
+slightly tempered by sneers, as to all advanced movements, all unpopular
+principles and their champions. It is liberal in the space it gives to
+all fashionable frivolities, sports and pastimes, to all the bagatelles
+of life. If it has not a paragraph to spare for a Radical meeting, it
+has always columns at the command of boat races, yacht races, horse
+races, cricket and polo matches, and the like important events, as well
+as other columns for the gossip of clubs and the babble of society. It
+is liberal in hopefulness that wrong may be right, falsehood truth, evil
+good. It is very liberal in soft phrases, and in “passages that lead
+to nothing.” Nothing, indeed, is the great end of its endeavor; for
+what alteration can be needed by a world in which the circulation of
+the *Daily News* is continually increasing? Unless, perchance, as
+the circulation is already “world-wide,” the world will have to
+be extended in order to accommodate it. But this concerns Father God or
+Mother Nature, not mere mortals. All these liberalities I could amply
+illustrate did space permit; as it is, I can give but an instance each
+to the first two. The Prince of Wales being in France, amusing himself
+like any other man who has money and leisure, “The Prince of Wales in
+France—Special,” heads its placards in the largest letters. On the
+other hand, I heard one of our three or four greatest writers, Garth
+Wilkinson, declare at a public meeting that he had written several
+letters to it on a subject then agitating the public mind, but that he
+could as easily get a letter into the moon as into the *Daily News*.
+Yet the subject was medical; and Garth Wilkinson is not only one of
+our greatest writers and thinkers, but also an M.D. and F.R.S., who has
+practised for I know not how much more than a quarter of a century. To
+refuse his letters on that matter was like refusing to hear Carlyle on
+Cromwell or Darwin on Natural Selection. Why, then, did the *Daily News*
+reject them? For the simply sufficient reason that they advocated the
+unpopular side of the question.
+
+Yes, it is still liberal and beyond measure liberal in these and many
+other respects. It has still great care of the people—to keep aloof
+from them; it loves them more than ever—at a distance. It still
+belongs to the Left—in the rear. It is still of the Mountain, only it
+has descended to provision itself; as the sage rhyme runs,
+
+::
+
+     “The mountain sheep were sweeter,
+     But the valley sheep were fatter;
+     We therefore deemed it meeter
+     To carry off the latter.”
+
+It is still Radical, having a rooted love of ease and hatred of
+disturbance. It is still revolutionary, but has resolved that henceforth
+revolutions shall be made with rose-water, and omelettes without
+breaking of....
+
+While thus freely acknowledging that in many things the *Daily News* is
+now more liberal than ever it was, I must also record my admiration for
+its strenuous endeavors to assume an air of aristocratic refinement and
+repose. From its serene indifference to the troubles of vulgar humanity,
+from the languid lisp and drawl of its voice, from its perpetual
+allusions to the luxuries and enjoyments of the wealthy and noble, one
+readily divines that its staff, like the staff of my Lord Chamberlain
+or other court lackey, can move only in the highest circles; but whether
+its members are admitted into these as gentlemen or as gentlemen’s
+gentlemen, I must leave for those familiar with such circles to declare.
+This is certain, that they flit about amidst a lordly festival in the
+gay and careless fashion of men who have no thought save of enjoying
+themselves; not like poor devils who have duties which, though better
+paid, are as onerous and strictly subservient to the gathering as those
+of the waiters or the footmen. It must surely be by a mere afterthought,
+and purely for their own amusement, that they throw off a description
+of the scene and an account of what occurred there. By the bye, it is
+rumored that the staff has been thoroughly changed of late years. The
+old members were able enough, but they were too coarse, too loud,
+too violent, too opiniative, too much given to discussing important
+questions as if they really cared for the same. Their manners especially
+could not be endured One entered the Editor’s sanctum (which had
+then just been refurnished under the supervision of the Count of Monte
+Cristo) in his wet boots, although embroidered slippers were provided at
+the foot of the stairs. Another exploded with a “Damned old idiot!”
+on reading the charge of one of our Right Reverend Fathers in God.
+Another was caught smoking a clay pipe over a pint of beer, although
+narghilés and hookahs and the choicest cigarettes, with unlimited
+supplies of the most costly wines and liqueurs, are always set out for
+the staff and such visitors as are admitted to the inner offices. The
+*Daily News* wrote to my Lord Chief Justice demanding that this fellow
+should be sent without trial to keep company with Arthur Orton, and for
+all I know the Chief Justice humbly obeyed. Another was seen walking
+arm-in-arm with the Editor of the *Times*, and was of course instantly
+dismissed, the *Daily News* writing to warn the man of the other
+journal.
+
+This, I am assured, is historical fact, to which the Editor of the
+*Times* will bear witness, if he be not ashamed to avow what may seem to
+hurt his dignity. For these and the like offences the old members have
+been all dismissed.
+
+It is said to be a peculiarity of the *Daily News* that all the leading
+articles are manufactured on the premises, if I may venture on a
+shop phrase in such a connection. I have spoken of the luxury of
+the Editor’s sanctum, which is a large and noble apartment. The
+leader-writers are borne to the office in closed carriages, with double
+or triple windows and india-rubber tires, lest some rude oath, or nasty
+smell, or even the loud noise of the streets should shock them into
+hysterics, or at least so unstring their nerves as to render writing
+impossible for the day. In the sumptuous boudoir-sanctum, lounging,
+smoking, and sipping, they receive on silver salvers telegrams from
+all parts of the rolling globe, with innumerable communications and
+documents, written and printed; and such of these as they are pleased to
+look at tin Epicurean gods::
+
+     “For they lie beside their nectar,
+     and the bolts are hurled
+     Far below them in the valleys.”
+
+They lie a good deal beside their nectar; but their bolts are anything
+but thunderbolts. Thunderbolts! The mere word would make these gasp and
+shudder. They are not thunderbolts, they are not rockets, they are
+not even squibs; they are bonbons and genuine *confetti*, not your
+*confetti* of the Carnival.
+
+::
+
+     “*There* they smile in secret, looking over wasted lands,
+     Blight and famine, plague and earthquake, roaring deeps and fiery sands,
+     Clanging fights and flaming towns, and sinking ships and praying hands.
+
+     But they smile, they find a music centered in a doleful song
+     Steaming up, a lamentation and an ancient tale of wrong,
+     Like a tale of little meaning, tho the words are strong;
+
+     Chanted from an ill-used race of men that cleave the soil,
+     Sow the seed and reap the harvest with enduring toil,
+     Storing yearly little dues of wheat, and wine and oil.”
+
+Naturally these lofty beings smile; for what have they to do with
+the cares and woes, the hopes and fears of ordinary mortals? Besides,
+battles and shipwrecks, disasters and convulsions, make the best of
+copy; and the music centred in the doleful song is a hymn of triumph,
+with the glorious refrain, “Our circulation is still increasing! Our
+world-wide circulation continues to increase!” And surely the ill-used
+race of men that till the soil should be appeased and amply satisfied
+by the showers of bonbons and sweetmeats the *Daily News* is always
+flinging down. It has more important duties to attend to than fighting
+the battles and righting the wrongs of an ignorant, passionate,
+unreasonable, wretched rabble, considerably addicted to dirt,
+drunkenness, and vice. For thirty hours at least in every twenty-four
+it is in attendance on some Royalty or another, or at the sports and
+entertainments of “Society, with a capital S.” It is said that the
+“copy” of these superlative writers, who always wear kid gloves
+while writing, is written with golden pens and tinted and perfumed
+ink, on perfumed and tinted paper. It is moreover said that the journal
+itself is soon to be printed on vellum, in the illuminated style, with
+arabesque borders. It is also rumored that the *Court Journal* and the
+*Morning Post*, finding themselves quite outdone by the *Daily News*,
+and their occupation gone, will shortly cease to appear.
+
+I must not omit to mention that I have been told on authority, which
+I incline to consider good, that in the said gorgeous sanctum is
+conspicuous a table of commandments, wrought in letters of fine gold,
+which commandments are these:
+
+I. Thou shalt never be in earnest about anything, and shalt abhor
+enthusiasm.
+
+II. Thou shalt not have a decided opinion on any subject.
+
+III. Thou shalt never write an unqualified sentence, or risk an
+unmodified statement.
+
+IV. Thy style shall be always in the tone of a sweet murmur or soft
+whisper; a lullaby of peace for drowsy-headed Bumbledom.
+
+V. Thou shalt write with an air of assured superiority to everybody, and
+everything.
+
+VI. Thou shalt ever bear in mind that there is no joy but calm, and
+that the supreme moral excellence is good taste, which may be quite
+compatible with meanness, servility, and cowardice, but cannot be
+compatible with the foolish fervor of zeal.
+
+VII. Thou shalt always mention and allude to as many persons, places,
+and luxuries of high life as possible.
+
+VIII. Thou shalt drag into every article three or four literary
+citations or allusions, whether relevant or irrelevant, in order to show
+to the world thy culture.
+
+IX. Thou shalt carefully avoid mention of all ardent reformers and
+unpopular thinkers, and their doings, save to lightly banter or coldly
+rebuke them.
+
+X. Thou shalt treat with profound respect and tenderness all the powers
+that be, and all popular opinions, social, political and religious,
+however thou mayest contemn them in thy heart; for great Bumble is the
+sole lord of large circulations, and only through his continued grace
+can our circulation continue to increase.
+
+It is by assiduously conforming themselves to this most wise and holy
+decalogue, that the members of the staff of the *Daily News* have
+become such rare flowers of sweetness and light; worthy of that serene
+Professor of Haughty-culture, Matthew Arnold himself, ere he had
+perpetrated “Literature and Dogma.”
+
+But while, in common with all the other worshippers of the *Daily News*,
+I exult in its world-wide and ever-increasing circulation, I am haunted
+by a horrible fear, which I cannot conceal, but will hint and whisper
+as gently as possible. When a stone falls into a pond—but no, pond is
+vulgar—when a stone falls into a still lake, the first small rings
+are clearly defined, but the circlings as they enlarge grow fainter and
+fainter, until at length they can no more be perceived. Now, as all the
+world knows, our beloved and revered Daily News, in its ever-increasing
+circulation, has hitherto followed precisely the same law; and my dread
+is that it will continue to do so unto the utmost extremity, becoming
+ever more and more faint and undefined as the circulation increases,
+until it shall altogether vanish away. It is getting so refined that I
+fear it will soon be fined away to nothing; so delicate and dainty, that
+it is already unfit for this rough world, whose slightest shock may
+kill it; so ethereal that its complete evaporation seems imminent; so
+supernal that it must surely soon disappear, absorbed into the Empyrean.
+May that good God, who we have been told “will think twice before
+damning a person of quality,” think many, many times before condemning
+our fashionable world to such an irreparable loss!
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+JESUS: AS GOD; AS A MAN
+=======================
+
+(1866.)
+
+     “These hereditary enemies of the Truth... have even had the
+     heart to degrade this first preacher of the Mountain, the
+     purest hero of Liberty; for, unable to deny that he was
+     earth’s greatest man, they have made of him heaven’s
+     smallest god.”—Heine: Reisébilder.
+
+.. dropcap:: T The
+
+The doctrine of the divinity of Jesus, which, in whatever relation
+regarded, is full of self-contradictions and absurdities, is, above all,
+pernicious in its moral and spiritual results. Most myths have a certain
+justification in their beauty, in their symbolism of high truth. This
+one distorts the beauty, degrades the sublimity, stultifies the meaning
+of the facts and the character wherein it has been founded, taking away
+all true grandeur from Jesus, benumbing our love and reverence.
+
+Jesus, as a man, commands my heart’s best homage. His words, as
+reported by the Evangelists, are ever-flowing fountains of spiritual
+refreshments; and I feel that he was in himself even far more wise and
+good than he appears in the gospel. What disciple could be expected
+to report perfectly the words of a teacher so mystically sublime? The
+disciple intends and endeavors to report faithfully; but when he hears
+words which to him are without sense, because they express some truth
+whose sphere is beyond the reach of his vision, he makes sense of them
+by some slight change—slight as to the letter, immense as to the
+spirit; for the sense is a truth or truism of his own lower sphere. And
+when the reports are not put into writing until many years after the
+words were first uttered, the changes will be important even as to the
+letter; for a narrative from a man’s mouth always alters year after
+year as much as the man himself alters, for he continues grafting his
+own sense (which may be deplorable nonsense) upon words which have been
+spoken. When we find sentences of the purest beauty and wisdom in the
+records of a man’s conversation, we may safely proportion the whole
+philosophical character of the speaker to such sentences. They mark the
+altitude at which his spirit loved to dwell. We are but completing the
+circle from the clearest fragment-arc left. Sentences of wisdom less
+exalted, or of apparent unwisdom, have perhaps been degraded by the
+reporter, or have been relative to circumstances which we cannot now
+learn thoroughly.
+
+Jesus as a man, whose words have been recorded by fallible men, is
+not lowered in my esteem by such contradictions as I find between his
+various speeches. Every proverb has its antagonist proverb, each being
+true to a certain extent, or in certain relations. Could we conceive
+an abstract intellect, we might conceive it dwelling continually in the
+sphere of abstract and absolute truth; but no man, however wise, dwells
+continually in this sphere. As a man living in the world, his intellect
+no less than his body lives in the relative and the conditioned, and
+naturally reflects the character of this sphere. The wise man finds
+himself surrounded and obstructed by certain concrete errors, and he
+attacks these errors with relative truths. Were the errors of another
+sort, the truths commonly in his mouth would be of another sort too.
+Many wise men of different ages and countries are pitted against each
+other as if their doctrines were fundamentally antagonistic, while, in
+truth, their doctrines are essentially in unison, and either would have
+spoken or written much the same as the other had he lived in the same
+circumstances. For a wise man only attacks the errors that are in
+his way; things which he never meets he can scarcely think of as
+obstructions. Hannibal, whose business it is to get into Italy from
+Gaul, sets about blasting the Alps. Stephenson, whose business it is to
+get from Manchester to Liverpool, sets about filling up Chat Moss.
+The same man, who muffles himself in as many furs as he can get in
+Greenland, will strip himself to a linen robe in Jamaica. Luther said
+that the human mind is like a drunken peasant on horseback: he is
+rolling off on the right, you push him up, he then rolls over on the
+left. Exactly so; and because one sage, seeing him roll down to the
+right, has pushed him up on the right, while another sage, seeing him
+roll down to the left, has pushed him up on the left, are the two sages
+to be accounted antagonists? Now as a wise man in the course of his
+existence meets errors of many sorts, some of a quite opposite tendency
+to others, and as he proves his wisdom by applying to each error its
+relative or pertinent truth, the rule is almost rigidly exact: that the
+wiser the man the more of apparent contradictions can be found in his
+writings or conversation treating of actual life.
+
+But deity is beyond the sphere of the relative and conditioned. When
+deity speaks and deity reports the speeches, all should be absolute
+truth transparently self-consistent, else what advantage or gain have we
+by the substitution of God for Man? Why bring in God to utter and record
+what could have been as well uttered and recorded by man?
+
+Everything for which we love and venerate the man Jesus becomes a bitter
+and absurd mockery when attributed to the Lord Christ. The full heart is
+praising the man; you turn him into God, a ruinous salvo is added to the
+praise.
+
+He went about doing good: if God, why did he not do all good at once? He
+cured many sick: if God, why did he not give the whole world health? He
+associated with publicans and sinners: if God, why did he make publicans
+and sinners at all? He preached the kingdom of heaven: if God, why did
+he not bring the kingdom with him and make all mankind fit for it?
+He loved the poor, he taught the ignorant: if God, why did he let any
+remain poor and ignorant? He rebuked the Pharisees and Sadducees: it
+God, why did he not wholly purify them from formalism, hypocrisy, and
+unbelief? He died for love of mankind: if God, why did he not restore
+mankind to himself without dying? and what great thing was it to seem to
+die for three days? He sent apostles to preach salvation to all men: if
+God, why did he not reveal it at once to all men, and so reveal it that
+doubt had been impossible? He lived an example of holiness to us all:
+if God, how can our humanity imitate Deity? And finally, a question
+trampling down every assertion in his favor: why did he ever let the
+world get evil?
+
+One is ashamed of repeating these things for the ten-thousandth time,
+but they will have to be repeated occasionally, so long as a vast
+ecclesiastical system continues to rest on the foundations of the
+absurdities they oppugn. And while one is grinding such chaff in the
+theological mill, he may as well have a turn at the Atonement, which
+is, in fact, the essence of the dogma of the Incarnation. No wonder this
+poor Atonement has been attacked on all sides; it invites attack; one
+may say that in every aspect it piteously implores us to attack it and
+relieve it from the misery of its spectral existence. It is so full of
+breaches that one does not know where to storm.
+
+I am content to note one aspect of this unfortunate mystery which, so
+far as I am aware, has been seldom studied. The whole scheme of the
+Atonement, as planned by God, is based upon a crime—a crime infinitely
+atrocious, the crime of murder and deicide, is essential to its success:
+if Judas had not betrayed, if the Jews had not insisted, if Pilate
+had not surrendered, if all these turpitudes had not been secured, the
+Atonement could not have been consummated. Need one say more? Sometimes,
+when musing upon this doctrine, I have a vision of the God-man getting
+old upon the earth, horribly anxious and wretched, because no one will
+murder him. Judas has succeeded to a large property, and would not
+be tempted to betray him by three hundred pieces of silver; the chief
+priests and elders think him insane, and, therefore, as Orientals,
+hold him in a certain reverence; Pilate is henpecked and superstitious,
+accounts the wife’s dreams oracular, and will have nothing to do
+with him; even Peter won’t deny him, although he has restored Peter’s
+mother-in-law to life. The situation is desperate; he has again and
+again prayed his Father to despatch a special murderer to despatch him,
+yet none appears: shall he have to perish by old age or disease? may he
+be compelled to commit suicide? must he go back to Heaven unsacrificed,
+foiled for want of an assassin?
+
+Benjamin Disraeli attained the cynical sublime when he suggested a
+monument of gratitude to Judas. In fact, Christendom ought to have
+erected hundreds of years ago three grand monuments to the sub-trinity
+of Christianity, to the three men without whose devoted assistance the
+heavenly trinity would not have triumphed in the scheme of Salvation by
+Atonement; Judas, Caiaphas and Pilate; and as these three men could not
+have done what they did in furtherance of the glorious work without a
+well-known inspiration, a fourth memorial—the grandest of all—should
+have been erected to the Devil. But the world, even the religious world,
+has always been ungrateful to its most generous benefactors.
+
+Is it not the worst of sacrilege, a foul profanation of our human
+nature, which for us, at least, should be holy and awful, when the
+heroic and saintly martyrdom of a true Man is thus falsified into the
+self-schemed sham sacrifice, ineffectual, of a God? The people who
+profess belief in this are shocked at the outrage offered to our
+humanity by the Development Theory, while they themselves commit this
+outrage more flagitious. Little matters whence we sprang; we are what we
+are. But much matters to what we may attain. If the Development Theory
+plants our feet in the slime, the Christian Theory bows our head to
+the dust. It asserts that human nature could not possibly be so good as
+Jesus, that human genius could not possibly write the books which tell
+of him; it denies us our noblest prerogatives, and declares us bastards
+when we claim a crown. It climbs to God by trampling on Man, it builds
+Heaven in contempt of Earth, its soul is a phosphorescence from the
+slain and rotting Body; its fervent faith vilifies us worse than the
+coldest sneer of Mephistopheles. Yet the orthodox shudder and moan,
+outraged in their pious sensibilities, when one dares to speak with
+manly plainness of their doctrines, which commence by polluting our
+common nature, continue by insulting our reason, and conclude by damning
+the large majority of us!
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+THE ONE THING NEEDFUL
+=====================
+
+(1866.)
+
+.. dropcap:: W When
+
+When I survey with pious joy the present world of Christendom, finding
+everywhere that the true believers love their neighbors as themselves
+and are specially enamored of their enemies; that no one of them takes
+thought for the morrow, what he shall eat or what he shall drink, or
+wherewithal he or she shall be clothed; that all the pastors and
+flocks endeavor to outstrip each other in laying not up for themselves
+treasures upon earth, where moth and rust corrupt, and where thieves
+break through and steal; and all are so intensely eager to quit this
+earthly tabernacle and become freeholders of mansions in the skies;
+when I find faith as universal as the air, and charity as common as
+cold water; I sometimes wonder how it is that any misbelievers and
+unbelievers are left, and feel astonished that the New Jerusalem has not
+yet descended, and hope that the next morning’s *Times* (rechristened
+*The Eternities*) will announce the inauguration of the Millennium.
+
+What delayeth the end? Can there indeed be any general hindering sin
+or imperfection among the pure saints, the holy, unselfish, aspiring,
+devout, peaceful, loving men and women who make up the population
+of every Christian land? Can any error infect the teachings of the
+innumerable divines and theologians, who all agree together in every
+particular, drawing all the same doctrines from the same texts of the
+one unvaried Word of God? I would fain believe that no such sin or error
+exists, not a single inky spot in the universal dazzling whiteness;
+but then why have we to deplore the continued existence of heathens
+and infidels? why is the New Jerusalem so long a-building? why is the
+Millennium so long a-coming? why have we a mere Sardowa instead of
+Armageddon?
+
+After long and painful thought, after the most serious and reverent
+study, I think I have found the rock on which the ship of the Church
+has been wrecked; and I hasten to communicate its extreme latitude
+and interminable longitude, that all Christian voyagers may evade and
+circumvent it from this time forward.
+
+The error which I point out, and the correction which I propose, have
+been to a certain extent, in a vague manner, pointed out and proposed
+before. A clergyman named Malthus, not in his clerical capacity,
+but condescending to the menial study of mundane science, is usually
+considered the first discoverer. But mundane science is conditioned,
+limited, vague, its precepts are full of hesitation; while celestial
+science is absolute, unlimited, clear as the noonday sun, and its
+precepts are imperiously forthright.
+
+It seems to me that the one fatal error which has lurked in our
+otherwise consummate Christianity, and which demands immediate
+correction is this, that the propagation of children is reconcileable
+with the propagation of the faith—an error which while it lasts
+adjourns *sine die* the day of judgment, and begins the Millennium with
+the Greek Kalends.
+
+One need not quote the numerous texts throughout the New Testament
+(let Matthew xix., 12, suffice) proving that Jesus and the epistolary
+apostles accounted celibacy essential to the *highest* Christian life.
+One only of the disciples, so far as we know, was married; and he it was
+who denied his master; and most of the more profound divines consider
+that Peter was justly punished for marrying, when Christ cured his
+mother-in-law of that fever which might else have carried her off.
+
+But many modest people may be content with a respectable Christian life
+which is not of the very highest kind. They may think that as husbands
+and wives they will make very decent middle-class saints in heaven,
+after a comfortable existence on earth, leaving the nobler crowns of
+holiness for more daring spirits. Humility is one of the fairest graces,
+and we revere it; but there is a consideration, most momentous for the
+kind Christian heart, which such good people must have overlooked—very
+naturally, since it is very obvious.
+
+Jesus tells us that many are called but few are chosen; that few enter
+the strait gate and travel the narrow way, while many take the broad
+way that leadeth to destruction. In other words, the large majority of
+mankind, the large majority of even those who have the gospel preached
+to them must be damned. When a human soul is born into the world, the
+odds are at least ten to one that the Devil will get it. Can any pious
+member of the Church who has thought of this take the responsibility of
+becoming a parent? I thoroughly believe not. I am convinced that we have
+so many Christian parents only because this very conspicuous aspect
+of the case has not caught their view. If the parents could have any
+assurance that the piety of their offspring would be in proportion to
+their own, they would be justified in wedding in holiness. But alas! we
+all know that some of the most religious parents have had some of the
+most wicked children. Dearly beloved brethren and sisters pause and
+calculate that for every little saint you give to heaven, you beget and
+bear at least nine sinners who will eventually go to hell.
+
+The remedy proposed is plain and simple as a gospel precept: let no
+Christian have any child at all—a rule which, in the grandeur of
+its absoluteness makes the poor timid and tentative Malthusianism very
+ridiculous indeed. For this rule is drawn immediately from the New
+Testament and cannot but be perfect as its source.
+
+Let us think of a few of the advantages which would flow from its
+practice. The profane have sometimes sneered that Jesus and his
+disciples manifestly thought that the world would come to an end, the
+millennium be inaugurated, within a very few years from the public
+ministry of Jesus. Luckily the profane are always ignorant or shallow,
+or both. For, as the New Jerusalem is to come down while Christians
+are alive, and as Christians in the highest sense or Christians without
+offspring must have come to an end with the first generation, it is
+plain that the belief which has been sneered at was thoroughly well
+founded; and that it has been disappointed only because the vast
+majority of Christians have not been Christians in the highest sense
+at all, but in their ignorance have continued to propagate like so many
+heathen proletarians.
+
+Now, supposing the very likely case that all Christians now living
+reflect upon the truth herein expounded, and see that it is true, and,
+therefore, always act upon it, it follows that, with the end of our now
+young generation, the whole of Christendom will be translated into the
+kingdom of heaven. Either the mere scum of non-Christians left upon
+the earth will be wholly or in great part converted by an example so
+splendid and attractive, and thus translate all Christendom in the
+second edition in a couple of generations more; or else the world, being
+without any Christianity, will, as a matter of course, be so utterly
+vile and evil that the promised fire must destroy it at once, and so
+bring in the New Heavens and New Earth.
+
+Roman Catholic Christians may indeed answer that, although the above
+argument is irresistible to the Protestants, who have no mean in the
+next life between Heaven and Hell, yet that it is not so formidable to
+them, seeing that they believe in the ultimate salvation of nearly
+every one born and reared in their communion, and only give a temporary
+purgatory to the worst of their own sinners. And I admit that such reply
+is very cogent. Yet, strangely enough, the Catholics, even more than the
+Protestants, recognise and cultivate the supreme beatitude of celibacy;
+their legions of unwedded priests, and monks, and nuns and saints are so
+many legions of concessions to the truth of my main (arguement).
+
+I am aware that one of the most illustrious dignitaries of our own
+National Church, the very reverend and reverent Dr. Swift, Dean of St.
+Patrick’s, has advocated on various grounds, and with impressive force
+of reasoning, the general eating of babies: and I anticipate that some
+prudent Christians may, therefore, argue that it is better to get babies
+and eat them than to have none at all, since the souls of the sweet
+innocents would surely go to heaven, while their bodies would be very
+nourishing on earth. Unfortunately, however, the doctrine of Original
+Sin, as expounded and illustrated by many very thoughtful theologians,
+and specially theologians of the most determined Protestant type, makes
+it very doubtful whether the souls of infants are not damned. It will
+surely be better, then, for good Protestants to have no infants at all:
+Q. E. D.
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+THE SWINBURNE CONTROVERSY
+=========================
+
+(1866.)
+
+.. dropcap:: N Not
+
+Not having read Mr. Swinburne’s “Poems and Ballads,” I have
+nothing to say on the special case in which they are involved. A few of
+the adverse critiques I have chanced to see, and these almost avail to
+convince one that Mr. Swinburne is a true poet. The *Saturday Review*,
+shocked out of the complacency of its stark peevishness, cried,
+“Pretty verses these to read aloud to young ladies in the
+drawing-room!” As if there were any great book in existence proper to
+read aloud to young ladies in drawing-rooms! and as if young ladies in
+drawing-rooms were the fit and proper judges of any great book! I should
+like to watch the smuggest and most conceited of Saturday Reviewers
+attempting to read aloud to young ladies in a drawingroom certain
+chapters in the Bible, certain scenes of Shakespere, certain of the
+very best passages in Chaucer, Spenser, Dryden, Pope, Swift, Fielding,
+Sterne, Smollett, Burns, Byron, Shelley. When Mr. Swinburne answers that
+he writes for full-grown men and women, the acute *Fun* affirms that
+men have read his book and have condemned it. As if our present brood
+of periodical critics were men! At home in private life, some of them
+probably are; but in their critical capacity, that is to say incapacity,
+how many of them have any virility? The *Athenaeum* squashes the
+detestable book by proclaiming that it contains such and such things
+in the style of Alfred de Musset, George Sand, Victor Hugo, Ovid, etc.;
+that is to say, in the style of some of the best Latin and modern French
+writers! As for *Punch*, he makes a joke worthy of his present lively
+condition (were it not for Mr. C. H. Bennett, one would say that there
+was no blood at all left in Mr. Punch when the great Leech dropped
+off), suggesting that the author should take the appropriate name of
+Swine-born. But the mass of our present critics are so far beneath
+contempt that we will waste no more time upon them.
+
+I have just one remark to make, however, before saying a few words on
+the general issue raised by this particular process. A large number
+of highly respectable elderly personages in gowns, for the most part
+belonging to the priesthood of our very dear National Church, and who
+by themselves and by good Bumbledom in general are accounted the real
+clerisy of England, have devoted all, or nearly all, the years of their
+maturity to what is termed the classical instruction of ingenuous youth.
+The ingenuous youth thus magnificently instructed comprise young men of
+the highest rank, with the most money and leisure and the reddest blood
+in the nation. Is it not rather ludicrous to see the said begowned
+elderly personages all wringing their hands and smiting their breasts,
+weeping and lamenting in sore astonishment and perplexity and terror,
+when one of these young men dares to give sign that he has actually in
+some degree *assimilated* such classical instruction, instead of
+merely gulping it down hastily and then vomiting it all crude at the
+examinations?
+
+As to the general questions, I will start by avowing frankly my
+conviction, that, in the present state of England, every thoughtful man
+who loves literature should rejoice in the advent of any really able
+book which outrages propriety and shocks Bumbledom, should rejoice in
+its advent simply and exactly because it does outrage propriety and
+shock Bumbledom, even if this book be nauseous to his own taste and bad
+in his own judgment. For the condition of our literature in these days
+is disgraceful to a nation of men: Bumble has drugged all its higher
+powers, and only the rudest shocks can arouse them from their torpor. We
+have still, indeed, by the inscrutable bounty of nature, three or four
+great writers, the peers of the greatest in Europe; out they stand like
+so many forest-trees, antique oaks of Old England, in a boundless flat
+of kitchen-gardens—cabbage and lettuce, radishes and onions, and all
+the many-leaved “pot-boilers,” fit only to be soddened and seethed
+in a pot, and “to pot,” thank goodness, they all quickly go.
+
+Our literature should be the clear and faithful mirror of our whole
+world of life, but at present there are vast realms of thought and
+imagination and passion and action, of which it is not allowed to give
+any reflex at all, or is allowed only to give a reflex so obscure and
+distorted as to be worse than none. But, it may be objected, suppose
+Satyrs come leering into your mirror and Bacchantes whirl before it? I
+answer that the business of a mirror is clear reflection: if it does not
+faithfully image the Satyr, how can it faithfully image Hyperion? And do
+you dread that the Satyr will be preferred to Hyperion, when both
+stand imaged in clear light before us? It is only when the windows are
+curtained, when the mirror is a black gulph and its portraitures
+are vague dark shadows, that the beautiful and the noble can pass
+undistinguished from the hideous and the vile.
+
+If, indeed, the realities not reflected became unrealities, were
+annihilated, then there would be some sense in veiling those portions of
+the mirror in front of which certain features of our life are exposed.
+And if that which sees not could not be seen, it would be very sensible
+of the hunted ostrich to hide its head in the sand. But we all know that
+in darkness what is filthy and vile grows ever filthier and viler, what
+is pure and sweet sickens and decays.
+
+“We have left undone those things which we ought to have done; and we
+have done those things which we ought not to have done; and there is no
+health in us.”
+
+We have suppressed mention of all facts which Bumble would fain ignore,
+and utterance of all opinions likely to disturb his sacred peace; we
+have canted enough to nauseate the angels, and have continually lied
+for God as for a man to pleasure him; so our popular books are fit
+for emasculated imbeciles, the *Times* is our leading journal, and the
+*Daily Telegraph* boasts the largest circulation in the world! And
+in the meanwhile the police-reports are full of putrid flesh, all
+the blue-books are crammed with statistical dry bones; flesh from
+the carcases and bones from the skeletons in that mass of death and
+corruption under our imperial whited sepulchre.
+
+I do not complain of the kitchen-garden literature; many of the
+vegetables are very wholesome and savory in their season, very good for
+eating to-day and forgetting to-morrow; I complain that in the interest
+of kitchen-gardens the rearing of all grander and loftier vegetation,
+the growth of secular forest-kings has become almost impossible in
+England. The stupidest popular book would not be popular did it not find
+a large number of people still more stupid than itself, to whom it is
+really entertaining and instructive. These stupid people one does not
+blame, one can only pity or envy them according to one’s mood. But
+what shall one say of that large number of educated people who are not
+stupid, who are familiar with continental literature; who yet, if an
+English book appears advocating ideas such as they have been delighted
+with in a French or German dress, feign astonishment and horror, and
+join with all the poor little curs of Bumbledom in yelping and snarling
+at it? These men who know well what they are doing are the accomplices
+of Bumble who does not know what he is doing, who fondly fancies that
+he is doing something very different, in starving on thin diet and
+stupifying with narcotic drugs the intellect of our nation once so
+robust and active; and assuredly if the process goes on much longer we
+shall come to rank mentally as a third-rate Power in Europe.
+
+No intelligent man in England, without (which is a contradiction in
+terms) his ideas are exactly coincident with the non-ideas of Bumble,
+or without he is rich and independent, can afford to devote himself
+to honest treatment of any great religious or social, moral or
+philosophical question. If treated in a book, he must himself pay the
+expense of publication; if treated in an article, not even by payment
+could he get the portals of any popular periodical to open unto him. For
+periodicals—newspapers, magazines, reviews—are the Fools’ Paradise
+of the commonplace, the mediocre, the orthodox, the respectable. As the
+strength of a chain must be measured by its weakest link, so the thought
+of a periodical must be measured by the thought of its most imbecile
+subscribers. A periodical to live must be a commercial success; the
+faintest thrill of new ideas would affect its circulation by shocking
+off some of its regular readers; it must suit its articles to the size
+of its customers—a very little hat for a very little head, a very
+little thought for a very little brain. Thus, though in thinking of
+their criticisms I spoke so contemptuously of our critics, I do not
+doubt that many of them are much wiser than their articles. The most
+honest of them must live by their pen, so they do not attempt to
+tell the whole truth though they will not tell a lie; many, however,
+undoubtedly are as apt for the sin of commission as for the sin of
+omission.
+
+A noteworthy instance occurs to me as I write. An eminent English
+author, in some respects even a great author, complained that in our
+country no one since *Fielding* had dared to attempt the full and
+faithful portraiture of a man, and he set himself to the task in a work
+published by instalments. As he entered upon certain phases of common
+virile life, the circulation of the serial began to decrease. This
+author was eminent, well-off, much more honest and wise and brave than
+ninety-nine authors in a hundred: of course, having begun his work he
+would honestly finish it, he would not only tell the truth and nothing
+but the truth, he would also tell the whole truth?—he quietly left off
+painting the features objected to, finished such as were agreeable to
+the public, and said with a cynical scorn (flavored perhaps with some
+bitterness of self-scorn), “*So you don’t want to see and hear the
+whole truth? Very well!” This author was revered by the great and
+noble-hearted Charlotte Brontë; this author was *Thackeray*, strong
+with all the prestige of *Vanity Fair*; he could not think of continuing
+a course injurious to his “circulation,” so “Pendennis” is not
+almost worthy (as it might, else have been) to stand beside “Un Grande
+Homme de Province à Paris” of Balzac.
+
+When such is Thackeray, what must be Gigadibs?
+
+If I write this rather strongly it is because I feel that I am writing
+in the interest of strength and health and purity and freedom, at a time
+when the mass of our literature is infected with servile weakness and
+disease and that “obscenity, which is ever blasphemy against the
+divine beauty in life.” For all obscene things batten on darkness, and
+light is fatal to them. But for the Bumble who rules over us, the naked
+beauty is obscene and the naked truth is blasphemous; he thinks that the
+Venus de Medici came out of Holywell Street, and is inclined to believe
+that all the fossil records of geology were forged by the Devil to throw
+discredit upon the book of Genesis. One cannot without a keen pang of
+shame and rage think of what we are when one remembers what we were,
+when one recalls our old and glorious literature, in the wide world
+unsurpassed; our literature noble and renowned, ever most glorious when
+most manly and daring.
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+GREAT CHRIST IS DEAD
+====================
+
+(1875.)
+
+.. dropcap:: W We
+
+We have all heard the wonderful story, recounted by Plutarch in his
+treatise on the Cessation of the Oracles, how, in the reign of Tiberius
+Cæsar, a ship sailing from Greece to Italy was becalmed for the night
+at the islet-rock of Paxus in the Ionian Sea, between the Echinades and
+Ithaca, when a loud and terrible voice from the land called Thamous the
+pilot. And he having responded at the third appeal, “I am here; what
+would you with me?” the voice, grown yet louder and more terrible,
+commanded him to announce on arriving at Palodes that Pan the Great
+was dead. Accordingly, when the vessel reached this place, whose site
+I believe the learned have not yet fixed, Thamous stood on the prow
+and lifting his voice shoreward cried, “Pan the Great is
+dead!”—whereon were heard great moanings and lamentations,
+mysterious and multitudinous. Not having Plutarch at hand, I have
+refreshed my memory from Rabelais, who repeats this well-authenticated
+story by the mouth of Pantagruel, in the twenty-eighth chapter of the
+fourth book of his inestimable work, following soon on that tempest of
+all tempests wherein Friar John and Panurge so variously distinguished
+themselves. The good Pantagruel goes on to expound the story after his
+own manner, thinking that it referred not to the heathen god Pan, but to
+our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, “ignominiously put to death by the
+envy and iniquity of the pontiffs, doctors, presbyters, and monks of the
+Mosaic dispensation....”
+
+For with good right may he in the Greek tongue be called Pan, seeing
+that he is our All; all we are, all we live, all we have, all we
+hope, is him, in him, of him, by him. He is the good Pan, the great
+Shepherd.... at whose death were moanings, sighs, trepidations and
+lamentations in all the machine of the universe, heavens, earth, sea,
+hells. With this my interpretation the time agrees. For that most good,
+most great Pan, our only Savior, died at Jerusalem, reigning in Rome
+Tiberius Caesar.—Pantagruel, these words said, rested in silence and
+profound contemplation. A little while after we saw the tears rolling
+from his eyes, large as ostrich eggs. I give myself to God if I lie in a
+single word.” Notwithstanding the thrilling pathos of this close, and
+my deep reverence for Rabelais, with whom no commentator in holy orders
+known to me can be compared, except Dean Swift, I am inclined on this
+point to follow the ordinary opinion that Pan the great god whose death
+was thus miraculously announced was the Pan of the heathen Greeks.
+Christ had died, but only *pro tem*; had descended into Hell, but with
+a return ticket, and simply to harry that realm of Old Harry; in three
+days he had risen from the dead, in forty more ascended into Heaven; his
+reign had begun and the reign of the old gods was ended; the spirit was
+exalted ana the flesh brought low, this world and life were contemned
+for the life and world to come; Nature, the All, the great Pan, was
+annulled, and the Supernatural Nothing throned supreme. The poets have
+chanted this momentous revolution according to their religion, their
+phantasy, or their mood. Milton in his Hymn on the Nativity shouts
+harsh Puritanical scorn on the oracles stricken dumb, and the deities
+overthrown. Shelley in a magnificent chorus of “Hellas,” “Worlds
+on worlds are rolling ever,” contests not the justice of their doom,
+while in the final chorus he predicts the same doom for their
+conqueror in his turn, In our own day Mr. Swinburne in the “Hymn to
+Proserpine,” and elsewhere, has bewailed the dead immortals, with
+nothing but aversion and contempt for the pale Galilean, the “ghastly
+glories of saints, dead limbs of gibbeted gods.” Leopardi an early
+poem “To Spring,” beautiful but not of his deepest, regrets the
+banished divinities, and since the halls of Olympus are void, appeals
+to Nature to restore to his spirit its first fire, if she indeed lives.
+Schiller in his “Gods of Greece” passionately laments them; and Mrs.
+Browning more passionately answers him, crying, “God himself is the
+best Poet, and the Real is his song and the Real we accept perforce
+in its fulness, but discern not how it can derive from an unreal God.
+Novalis in his “Hymns to the Night” laments with Schiller the
+unsouling of Nature, “bound in iron chains by arid number and rigorous
+rule;” but goes on to celebrate the resurrection of Humanity in
+Christ. Heine in his. “Gods of Greece,” after declaring in his wild
+way that he has never loved the old deities, that to him the Greek are
+repugnant, and the Romans thoroughly hateful, yet avows that when he
+considers how dastardly and windy are the gods who overcame them, the
+new reigning sorrowful gods, malignant in their sheep’s, clothing of
+humility, he feels ready to fight for the former against these. This
+change of the celestial dynasty is indeed a favorite theme with him.
+Elsewhere he pictures the Olympians holding high revelry, with nectar
+and ambrosia, with Apollonian music and inextinguishable laughter, when
+suddenly a wretched Jew staggers in, his brow bleeding from a crown of
+thorns, trailing on his shoulder a heavy cross, which he heaves upon
+the banquet table; and forthwith the revel is no more, the divine feast
+disappears, the everburning lights are quenched, the triumphant gods and
+goddesses vanish terror-smitten, dethroned for ever and ever. And again,
+in his incomparable “Gods in Exile,” he tells us what became of
+these dispersed Olympians during the Dark Ages, in the thick night of
+the noontide of Christianity; how they were transformed from celestial
+to infernal by the monstrous superstition of that baleful era; as we
+find the hoofs and horns of Pan transferred to the Devil himself; as
+we find Venus in that legend of Tannhauser which has fascinated so many
+poets, as well as great Wagner,—
+
+::
+
+     Vénus, ma belle déesse,
+     Vous êtes diablesse!
+
+More than eighteen hundred years have passed since the death of the
+great god Pan was proclaimed; and now it is full time to proclaim the
+death of the great god Christ. Eighteen hundred years make a fairly long
+period even for a celestial dynasty; but this one in its perishing must
+differ from all that have perished before it, seeing that no other can
+succeed it; the throne shall remain void for ever, the royalty of the
+Heavens be abolished. Fate, in the form of Science, has decreed the
+extinction of the gods. Mary and her babe must join Venus and Love, Isis
+and Horus; living with them only in the world of art. Jesus on his cross
+must dwindle to a point, even in the realms of legend under Prometheus
+on Caucasus. For ages already the Father has been as spectral as
+Jupiter; for ages already the Holy Ghost has been but the shadow of a
+shade. And the last, not least, member of the Divine Royal Family, Satan
+the Prince of Darkness, Prince of this World, and Prince of the Powers
+of the Air, is no more alive than Pluto, who also was born brother to
+the Monarch of Heaven. The Hebrew dynasty of the gods is no more; it has
+done much evil in its long sovranty, which we will try to forget now it
+ceases to reign; it has done some little good, whose remembrance we will
+cherish when it is sepulchred, Christ the Great is dead, but Pan the
+Great lives again, as Mr. Maccall told us in some lines published in
+this paper several years ago. Pan lives, not as a God, but as the All,
+Nature, now that the oppression of the Supernatural is removed. I may be
+told that Christianity is yet alive and flourishing, that its priesthood
+and its churches hold possession of Europe and America and Australia. So
+the priesthood and the shrines of the Olympians kept possession of the
+Roman Empire centuries after the crucifixion of Jesus. When the spirit
+of a faith has departed, that faith is dead, and its burial is only a
+question of time. When the noblest hearts worship not at its altars,
+when the most vigorous intellects abandon its creeds, the knell of its
+doom has rung. At the risk of being thought bigoted or prejudiced,
+I must avow that to my mind the decomposition of Christianity is so
+offensively manifest and advanced, that, with the exception of a very
+few persons whose transcendent genius could throw a glamor of glory over
+any creed however crude and mean, and whom I recognise as far above my
+judgment, I can no longer give my esteem to any educated man who has
+investigated and still professes this, religion, without grave deduction
+at the expense of his heart, his intellect, or his conscience, if not of
+all three. Miraculous voices are not heard in these days; but everywhere
+myriads of natural voices are continually announcing to us, and
+enjoining us to announce to others, Great Christ is dead!
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+RESURRECTION AND ASCENSION OF JESUS
+===================================
+
+(1876.)
+
+.. dropcap:: I In
+
+In reviewing Mr. R. H. Hutton’s Essay on “Christian Evidences,
+Popular and Critical,” I was obliged to follow his lead, joining issue
+on such pleas as he put forward. Thus with regard to the resurrection of
+Jesus, as Mr. Hutton adduced what he thought confirmatory evidence
+only from the New Testament itself, I confined myself to showing or
+attempting to show that such evidence is unsubstantial. But I could
+not consider this argument adequate or conclusive, for there are large
+general considerations of incomparably greater importance which it
+leaves out altogether. It is as if a case ruled by broad principles of
+equity were to be decided on the narrowest technical grounds. Therefore,
+while confident that even on these grounds the case must go against the
+Christian believer, I wish to add a few words on its wider relations, in
+order that the decision may be established, not merely by the letter of
+the law, but also by the spirit of justice.
+
+We leave thus the torturing of texts in the dim cells of the theological
+Inquisition, a process by which almost any confession required can be
+and has been wrung from the unfortunate victims, and emerge into the
+open daylight of common-sense and reason. And here I venture to assert
+that if the story of the resurrection and ascension were recorded of any
+other than Jesus in any other sacred book than the Bible, Mr. Hutton and
+all other intelligent Christians would not only disbelieve it, but would
+not even condescend to investigate it, condemning it offhand as too
+preposterous to be worthy of serious attention. Thus, what Christian has
+ever deigned to examine critically the marvels affirmed in the Koran,
+such as Mohammed’s visit to heaven; although the Koran can be traced
+far more surely to the Prophet of Islam than can the Gospels to their
+reputed authors, and this Prophet bears a far higher character for
+truthfulness than do the early Christians? Nay, what Bibliolater has
+ever seriously weighed the evidence for the miracles of his fellow
+Christian the great St. Bernard; such as those which are minutely
+related and solemnly attested by ten eye-witnesses, men well known and
+of unimpeached veracity, and which are thus infinitely better attested
+than any miracle in the Bible from Genesis to Revelation?
+
+Your enlightened Protestant simply shrugs his shoulders at all such
+stories, and says with a superior smile: “Of course, mere imposture
+and collusion, or superstition and delusion; no sensible man can afford
+to waste his time in weighing that sort of stuff; we don’t think twice
+before determining whether the impossible ever really occurred.”
+How, then, can this enlightened Protestant receive without question
+the miracles of the Jewish books while rejecting without question all
+others? We have seen that it cannot be because of any superiority of
+evidence for the former, since the evidence for the latter is in many
+cases infinitely greater and better authenticated, and since he does not
+attempt to weigh evidence before either accepting or rejecting, though
+he may seek evidence and argument to confirm what he has already given
+himself to believe. He accepts the Jewish miracles simply because they
+have come down to him, through many generations of his forefathers,
+invested with a glamor of sanctity, and he regards them with the eye of
+faith which sees, and sees not, just what it wishes; he rejects
+miracles not in the Bible because they come to him without any hallowed
+associations, and he regards them with the eye of reason which beholds
+the plain facts before it, and neither wishes nor is able to avoid
+beholding them.
+
+It is worth noting that while our Christian advocates insist with
+all their might, such as it is, upon the resurrection of Jesus, they
+willingly pass over as lightly as possible, if they do not altogether
+ignore, a similar miracle guaranteed by the very same authority. In
+Matt, xxvii., 52, 53, it stands recorded among the marvels following the
+death of Jesus: “And the graves were opened; and many bodies of
+the saints which slept arose, and came out of their graves after his
+resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.”
+The reader of Shakespeare will remember the prodigies anterior to the
+death of Julius Cæsar when—
+
+::
+
+                   “The sheeted dead
+     Did squeak and gibber in the Roman streets.”
+
+This prodigal multiplicity and superfluity of resurrections seems to
+have been not a little embarrassing to modern Christian champions,
+though doubtless it did not in the least trouble the primitive
+non-scientific believers, to whom nothing was more natural than the
+unnatural, including the supernatural and the infranatural. An apologist
+of our days who *must* affirm the one resurrection, seeing that his
+whole religion is based upon it, and who, though valiantly defying
+science, seeks to conciliate historical possibility, finds his task
+quite heavy enough in accounting for the facts that the risen Jesus
+“was seen of above five hundred brethren at once,” and yet that
+no record of his rising can be found beyond the limits of the New
+Testament. But the difficulties of the poor apologist are enormously
+increased if he must further contend that many bodies of the saints
+came out of their graves, and went into the holy city, and appeared
+unto many, and still there is no external evidence. We are surely at the
+utmost limits of the possible in conceiving that Jesus could appear unto
+five hundred of the brethren at once (there is no hint elsewhere that he
+had so many permanent followers in his lifetime; in Acts i., 15, we
+find that there were about one hundred and twenty gathered after the
+ascension), without the priests and the Roman officials hearing of the
+apparition and investigating it. But if many others rose from their
+graves and appeared to many, it is absolutely impossible that anyone
+in Jerusalem could be ignorant of the miracle; equally impossible that
+Pilate and his officers did not investigate it, and equally impossible
+that finding it real he did not report it with the evidence to Rome,
+for the Empire was a thoroughly organised State, and the Romans were
+a thoroughly practical and business-like people. Once in the imperial
+archives, the record of the miracle would have spread everywhere; all
+subsequent historians would have related it, all subsequent writers
+referred to it. So it is no wonder that, recoiling from these manifold
+impossibilities, the Christian advocates prefer to dwell on the one
+resurrection as if it were unique, and avoid dwelling on the others
+that by the very same testimony immediately followed it. It is very
+significant that neither in the Acts nor in the Epistles is there
+any allusion to these resurrections. When Peter and the others were
+preaching the resurrection of Christ, why did they not adduce and
+produce some of these many, risen saints, whose visible, tangible,
+living and speaking evidence would have been irresistible?
+
+Just as the resurrection of Jesus could be accepted without misgiving by
+the non-scientific early Christians, to whom miracles appeared among the
+most frequent occurrences of life, so could the ascension. Their earth
+was a plane, vaulted by the sky, lamped by the little sun and moon and
+stars; above this vault was Heaven, where their God dwelt enthroned;
+they knew nothing of the law of gravitation; their Christ, standing in
+the flesh on the Mount of Olives, floated up through this vault to sit
+enthroned beside his Father in the most natural supernatural manner. We
+can conceive and sympathise with this simple faith; but it is hard
+to conceive and sympathise with the blind faith, which seems wilfully
+blind, of the modem educated Christians. It has been often remarked that
+Copernicus and Kepler and Newton have destroyed all the old mythologies,
+including of course the mythology of both the Old and New Testaments.
+With the earth no longer the universe of mortal life, between a Heaven
+above its domed firmament and a Hades like a vast dungeon beneath, but
+a quite infinitesimal grain of sand involved by an infinitesimal drop
+of dew, floating and revolving in an ocean of space boundless in heighth
+and depth and breadth, amidst innumerable other spherules, most of
+which visible are very much greater than itself, and at inconceivable
+distances from it; with man no longer the lord of the creation, for
+whose service all things were made, but an animalcule inexpressibly
+small, living for a moment inexpressibly brief, with limitless time
+before his beginning and limitless time beyond his end; the Christian
+mythology and system, among others, because ineffably absurd. Where is
+the Heaven for its God? where the Hell for its Devil? Where is above?
+Where beneath? Whence came the winged angels, with their wrings which
+would not enable them to fly?
+
+If Jesus had ascended and continued to ascend with the speed of light,
+he might be ascending now and go 011 ascending for millions and millions
+of years, and still not reach a heavenly region beyond the range of our
+telescopes I And think of the scheme of the Atonement in the system of
+the universe, as we are learning to know it now—try to conceive an
+infinite and eternal God of this infinite and eternal Whole sacrificing
+his only son for the salvation of us most insignificant insects on our
+most insignificant earth! The immense conceptions of science dwarf
+these petty conceptions of mythology to a littleness which reduces
+them beneath consideration, which in our days reduces them even beneath
+contempt.
+
+Naturally the churches have always hated and resisted science, and the
+theologians have seldom dared to face its conclusions. They ignore the
+immensities, and confine their vision to the pages of a single book, to
+a history whose chronology counts not six thousand years. But, as I have
+remarked, even this minute field they cannot hold against the sceptic,
+who has made them abandon all the rest of the universe. Why did their
+risen Lord only slink about among his own disciples, appearing to these
+but at flying instants: why did he not, with his well-known features
+and with the wounds of the nails and the spear in his body, confront the
+chief priests and Pilate and the whole of Jerusalem, and compel them to
+acknowledge and bear enduring witness to his resurrection? Why did he
+not summon all the people from the highest to the lowest to the solemn
+spectacle of his ascension, securing multitudinous and permanently
+recorded evidence such as none of us could doubt? We might go on asking
+Why? and Why? and Why? in this fashion on a hundred points, confident
+that to not one of our questions could the Christian apologist give a
+straightforward and satisfactory answer. As the scheme of the Atonement
+is presented to us, God sacrificed his only son that all mankind might
+be saved through belief in him; yet not merely neglected to secure
+trustworthy evidence and certain record of this supreme fact and the
+miracles attesting it, but adopted every means possible to make the
+evidence untrustworthy, the record uncertain, the miracles and the
+sacrifice incredible.
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+SOME MUSLIM LAWS AND BELIEFS
+============================
+
+(1876.)
+
+.. dropcap:: T The
+
+The following notes are drawn from E. W. Lane’s charming and
+instructive “Manners and Customs of the Modem Egyptians” (fifth and
+standard ed., 1860), a worthy companion to Sir Gardner Wilkinson’s
+book on the Ancient Egyptians, and written about forty years since,
+before steam-communication had materially changed that people. The
+muédoins, whose summons to prayer is one of the few audible charms of
+the East to a western, are generally chosen from the blind, in order
+that the harems and terraces of houses may not be overlooked from the
+minarets. *Our* callers to prayer are generally blind also; but this is
+because few clearsighted men will in these days accept the office. The
+imams or priests and other religious officials are all paid from the
+funds of their respective mosques, and not by any contributions exacted
+from the people: a lesson to us with our State Church. The imâms have
+no authority above other persons, and enjoy no respect save for reputed
+learning and piety; they are not a distinct order of men set apart for
+the ministry, but may resign or be displaced, losing with the office
+the title of imâm; they chiefly obtain their living by other means than
+service in the mosque (for which their salaries are as a rule only
+about a shilling a month), many of them being tradesmen: here surely are
+several good lessons for us. The mosques are open all day, and the great
+mosque El-Azhar all night; the Muslims have great reverence for them,
+yet in many of the larger ones persons lounge, chat, eat, sleep, spit,
+sew, etc.: another lesson to us with our churches nearly always closed
+and useless. The Muslim does not abstain from business on the Friday,
+his Sabbath, except during the time of prayer, and for this he has the
+authority of the Kur-ân: when will our bigoted Sabbatarians learn so
+much liberal wisdom from him? The Prophet did not forbid women to attend
+public prayers in the mosques, but pronounced it better for them to pray
+in private; in Cairo they are not admitted to the public prayers,
+it being thought that their presence would inspire a wrong sort of
+devotion. The result is that few women in Egypt pray at all. If ours
+were in like case, how many churches and chapels would attract large
+congregations? The Egyptians, like the modern Arabs, are not a truthful
+people, but there are some oaths which few would falsely take; such
+as swearing three times by “God the Great,” or on a copy of the
+Kur-ân “By what this contains of the word of God!”—I wonder
+whether the Christian Englishmen are few who falsely swear by God and on
+the Bible. Mr. Lane witnessed many instances of forbearance in persons
+of the middle and lower classes when grossly insulted; and often heard
+an Egyptian say on receiving a blow from an equal, “God bless thee,”
+“God requite thee good,” “Beat me again”: how many of the
+Christians obey in like manner one of the plainest precepts of Christ?
+In general a quarrel terminates by one or both of them saying “Justice
+is against me”; often after this they recite together the first
+chapter of the Kur-ân; and then, sometimes, embrace and kiss one
+another. If a similar custom prevailed here there would be little
+serious quarrelling; for the men would all avoid disputes save with
+pretty girls and charming women, and would always make it up very
+quickly with them. The Muslim believes that there have been six great
+Prophets and Apostles—Adam, Noah, Abraham, Moses, Jesus, Mohammed;
+each of whom received a revealed law or system of religion and morality,
+each of the first five abrogated and superseded by the next, though all
+were the same in essentials. Thus the Jews from the time of Moses to
+that of Christ, and the Christians (if they did not accept the corrupt
+and idolatrous doctrine of the divinity of Jesus) from the time of
+Christianity to that of Mohammed, were true believers. Of course the
+last is the greatest Prophet, and since his revelation the Muslims only
+have been the faithful. The Pentateuch, Psalms and Gospels, though of
+divine origin, have been so much altered as to contain very little of
+the true Word of God; but the Kur-ân is supposed to have suffered
+no essential change whatever. Jesus was born of a pure virgin by the
+miraculous operation of God, without any father human or divine. When he
+had fulfilled the object of his mission, he was taken up to God from the
+Jews who sought to slay him, and another man, on whom God had stamped
+the likeness of Jesus, was crucified in his stead. He will come again
+upon earth, to establish the Muslim religion and perfect peace and
+security, after having killed Anti-Christ, and to be a sign of the
+approach of the last day. In all these doctrines the Muslims are
+decidedly more consistent and liberal, as well as somewhat less
+superstitious than the Christians, with their God-man and trinity
+in unity, their damnation of Mohammed as a mere impostor and of his
+religion, El Islam, as a vile fabrication of stolen materials. “The
+Egyptians pay a superstitious reverence not to imaginary beings alone:
+they extend it to certain individuals of their own species; and often to
+those who are justly the least entitled to such respect. An *idiot* or a
+*fool* is vulgarly regarded by them as a being whose mind is in heaven,
+while his grosser part mingles among ordinary mortals; consequently,
+he is considered an especial favorite of heaven. Whatever enormities
+a reputed saint may commit (and there are many who are constantly
+infringing precepts of their religion) such acts do not affect his fame
+for sanctity: for they are considered as the results of the abstraction
+of his mind from worldly things; his soul, or reasoning faculties,
+being wholly absorbed in devotion, so that his passions are left without
+control. Lunatics who are dangerous to society are kept in confinement;
+but those who are harmless are generally regarded as saints. *Most
+of the reputed saints of Egypt are either lunatics, or idiots, or
+impostors.*” wonder whether this applies at all, and if it does, to
+what extent, to the countless saints of our Most Holy Catholic Church
+of Christendom. In Egypt, as in other countries of the East, Muslims,
+Christians, and Jews adopt each other’s superstitions, while they
+abhor the leading doctrines of each other’s faith. “In sickness, the
+Muslim sometimes employs Christian and Jewish priests to pray for him:
+the Christians and Jews, in the same predicament, often call in Muslim
+saints for the like purpose!” So much human nature is there in man,
+not to speak of woman. The Muslims profoundly reverence the Kur-ân, yet
+will quote it on the most trivial occasions in jest as well as on the
+most important in earnest. They are generally fond of conversing on
+religion among themselves; and the most prevalent mode of entertaining
+a party of guests among the higher middle classes, in Cairo, is the
+recital of the whole of the Kur-ân, which is chanted by special persons
+hired for the purpose, or other religious exercises. This chanting
+of the Kur-ân takes up about nine hours. When will our fashionable
+Bibliolaters issue invitations for the treat of hearing poor curates or
+scripture readers intone the whole of the Bible, or even so much of it
+at a time as might be got through in nine hours? When, oh when?
+
+Ladies will learn with approval that it is thought improper, and even
+disreputable, for a man to be single. Mr. Lane was a bachelor during his
+first two visits to Egypt; and in the former of these, having to change
+his residence, engaged another house. The lease was duly signed and some
+money paid in advance, but the inhabitants of the neighborhood (who were
+mostly descendants of the Prophet) would not have an unmarried man in
+their midst. The agent said they would gladly admit him if he would but
+purchase a female slave, thus redeeming himself from the opprobrium of
+not possessing a wife of some sort. He managed to secure a house in a
+less scrupulous quarter, but had to engage that no creature wearing a
+hat should visit him. The Sheykh or chief of this quarter often urged
+him to marry; Lane objected that he intended to live in Egypt only a
+year or two longer. The Sheykh answered, with great moral force and
+earnestness, that a handsome young widow a few doors off would be glad
+to marry him, on the express understanding that he should divorce her on
+going away; while of course he could do so earlier if she did not
+suit him. Now this young widow, in spite of her religion and veil, had
+several times contrived (the Sage saith that there is nothing a woman
+cannot contrive, except to refrain from contriving) to let our Oriental
+Englishman catch a glimpse of her very pretty face; and the miserable
+bachelor was reduced to plead that she was the very last woman he would
+like to marry *pro tempore*, for he felt sure that once wed he could
+never make up his mind to part with her. Doubtless all our single men,
+and especially our Christian young men, would much rather be deemed
+disreputable and denied decent lodgings than establish their character
+for virtue and respectability by buying female slaves, however cheap, or
+marrying nice young widows divorcible at pleasure!
+
+As to polygamy, Mr. Lane remarks that it can only be defended as
+preventing a greater immorality than it occasions; and that Mohammed,
+like Moses, did not introduce but limited and regulated it. The
+ancient Egyptians had but one wife each, though they might have slave
+concubines. Polygamy, however, is rare, and rarer among the upper and
+middle classes than the lower; “I believe that not more than one
+husband in twenty has two wives.” The mere sentence, “I give myself
+up to thee,” uttered by a female to a man who proposes to become her
+husband (even without the presence of witnesses, if none can easily be
+procured) renders her his legal wife if arrived at puberty. A man
+may divorce his wife twice, and each time take her back without any
+ceremony, unless she has paid for it by resigning the reserved third of
+the dowry, furniture, etc.; but if he divorces her the third time, or
+puts her away by a triple divorce conveyed in one sentence, he cannot
+receive her again until she has been, married and divorced by another
+husband, who must have consummated his marriage with her. To divorce
+her, he simply has to say, “Thou art divorced,” or “I divorce
+thee”; but the woman cannot separate herself from her husband against
+his will, unless it be for some considerable fault on his side, such
+as cruel treatment or neglect. The facility of divorce has depraving
+effects, upon both sexes. Many men in the course of ten years have
+married twenty, thirty, or more wives; and women not far advanced in age
+have been wives to a dozen or more successively. “I have heard of men
+who have been in the habit of marrying a new wife almost every month.”
+But such conduct is generally regarded as very disgraceful; and few
+persons in the upper or middle classes would give a daughter in marriage
+to a person who had divorced many wives.
+
+The women deem it more incumbent to cover the upper and back part of
+the head than the face; and more requisite to conceal the face than most
+parts of the person. Many among the lower classes never conceal their
+faces; women may often be seen with nothing but a narrow strip of rag
+round the hips. The face-veils have the advantage of leaving the eyes
+visible, which are generally the most beautiful of the features; fine
+figures being more common than altogether handsome faces; though some
+faces are of a beauty distinguished by such sweetness of expression that
+they seem the perfection of female loveliness, “and impressed me at
+the time with the idea that their equal could not be found in any other
+country.” The women of Cairo are less strictly guarded than in most
+Eastern lands; wives are proud of the restraint as showing that the
+husbands value them highly, looking upon themselves as hidden treasures.
+To such an absurd extent do Muslims carry their feeling of the
+sacredness of women that entrance into the tombs of some women is
+forbidden to men; and a man and woman are never buried in the same
+vault, without a wall between them—as if their very corpses might
+get up to mischief. For adultery on the part of the woman the Kur-ân
+prescribes death by stoning, but drowning is generally substituted.
+Unless detected by an officer of justice *four eye-witnesses are
+required*; failing these, the accuser is to be scourged with eighty
+stripes. This extraordinary law is traced to an accusation of adultery
+against the Prophet’s favorite wife “Aïsheh,” who was thus
+absolved from punishment, and subsequent revelations established her
+innocence. If we had a similar law here we might close our Divorce
+Court. If a husband without any witnesses accuses his wife of adultery,
+he must swear four times by God that he speaks the truth, and the fifth
+time imprecate God’s curse on himself if he is a liar; but the wife
+can counterbalance this by swearing four times by God that he is a liar,
+and the fifth time imprecating God’s wrath on herself if he speaks the
+truth. The commentators and lawyers have agreed that in this dilemma the
+marriage must be dissolved. When a peasant woman is found to have been
+unfaithful to her husband, in general he or her brother throws her into
+the Nile, with a stone tied to her neck; or cuts her to pieces and
+then throws these into the river. In most instances a father or brother
+punishes in the same manner an unmarried daughter or sister who has been
+guilty of incontinence. These relatives are considered more disgraced
+than the husband by the crime of the woman; and are often despised if
+they do not thus punish her. Women in easy circumstances are put to bed
+for from three to six days after childbirth; but poor women in the same
+case seldom take to bed at all, and after a day or two resume their
+ordinary occupations, if these do not require great exertion.
+
+The law of inheritance is remarkable in two respects; primogeniture is
+not privileged, and in most cases the share of a female is half that
+of a male in the same degree of relationship. A debtor is only kept
+imprisoned for debt if he cannot prove himself insolvent; but if able,
+he may be made work out what he owes. Apostacy from the faith is death
+if not recanted on three warnings. Blasphemy against God or any of the
+Great Prophets, whether repented or not, is instant death: on the ground
+that apostacy or infidelity is but ignorance and misjudgment, while
+blasphemy shows utter depravity. If Christians blaspheming Mohammed were
+punished as are Muslims blaspheming Christians, what a number of our
+enlightened clerical teachers would have died the death of malefactors!
+
+The Copts, or descendants of the ancient Egyptians, said to number about
+150,000, are Christians, but scarcely a credit to that religion whose
+votaries boast of its civilising and elevating character. The fact is
+that in advanced countries the Christianity has been civilised by the
+Secularism, not the Secularism by the Christianity; in countries where
+the sciences and arts are stationary or retrograde, Christianity proves
+that it has in itself no motive-power, and is generally even more
+degraded than the other superstitions around it. Mr. Lane almost
+despaired of learning anything about these Copts, until he had the good
+fortune to become acquainted with a character of which he had doubted
+the existence—a Copt of a liberal as well as an intelligent mind.
+They hate the Greeks and all other Christians not of their own sect much
+worse than they hate the Muslims themselves. The priests are supported
+only by alms or by their own industry. Their language is a dead one.
+They pray seven times a day, in the course of these reciting the whole
+Book of Psalms, as well as chapters of the Bible, prayers, etc.: a fine
+example to their lax co-religionists here. They have long and arduous
+fasts. In spite or because of all this, they bear a very bad character
+as sullen, avaricious, abominable dissemblers, cringing or domineering
+according to circumstances. The one respectable Copt discovered by Lane
+admitted that they are generally ignorant, faithless, worldly, sensual,
+and drunken; he declared that the Patriarch was a tyrant and suborner
+of false witnesses; that the monks and priests in Cairo are seen every
+evening begging and asking the loan of money, which they never repay, at
+the houses of their parishioners and other acquaintances, and procuring
+brandy if possible wherever they call. So much for our esteemed
+fellow-Christians in Egypt, descendants of what in heathen times was
+long the foremost nation in the world.
+
+“Women are not to be excluded from paradise, according to the faith
+of El Islam; though it has been asserted by many Christians, that the
+Muslims believe women to have no soul. In several places in the Kur-ân,
+Paradise is promised to all true believers.” They will be admitted by
+God’s mercy on account of their faith, not of their good works; but
+their felicity there will be proportioned to their good works. The very
+meanest male in Paradise is promised eighty thousand beautiful youths
+as servants, and seventy-two wives of the daughters of Paradise. These
+celestial virgins we commonly call houris, but learned and accurate
+Mr-Lane terms them hooreeyehs, vividly suggesting that the Muslim saints
+burst into rapturous and prolonged hoorays on first perceiving them.
+He may also have the wives he had here below, if he wants them; and
+doubtless the good will desire the good. On behalf of the earthly fair
+sex, I must emphatically protest against this part of the heavenly
+arrangements. How do we know that the good husband will desire the good
+wife, however good, when he has two-and-seventy maidens of Paradise
+all to himself? The trust that he will, cannot be trusted; it is
+a perfidious consolation to poor women. No wonder Muslim wives are
+obsequious, when it depends on the will, pleasure or caprice of their
+husbands whether they shall be re-married in the other world or not.
+Mrs. Caudle herself would scarcely hazard a curtain lecture with this
+atrocious alternative in prospect. Try to fancy being an old-maid or
+grass-widow for ever and ever where all the men are very much married,
+having six dozen wives each at the very lowest! Such a heaven to a good
+woman were ten times crueller than hell. When the Muslim women have been
+aroused to a sense of their rights, they will insist on being treated
+in the next world on equal terms with the men: the meanest woman of
+the faithful (supposing any woman can be mean) shall have her eighty
+thousand beautiful servants, and her seventy-two husbands of the youths
+of Paradise, resplendent, adoring, ever obedient. This settled first,
+it will be a question for consideration between herself and her terrene
+spouse whether they shall combine their several establishments, or
+agree to be divorced by death. But I digress; women always lead us into
+digressions, only these are usually much more interesting than the
+dusty high-road along which it is our business to trudge. The meanest
+of Muslims will further have a very large tent bejewelled with pearls,
+jacinths and emeralds. He will be waited on by three hundred attendants
+while he eats, and served in dishes of gold, whereof three hundred shall
+be set before him at once, each containing a different kind of food,
+“the last morsel of which will be as grateful as the first.” This
+absence of satiety, this ever-fresh vigor, I believe, is to mark all
+his enjoyments, however freely he may indulge in them. Though wine is
+forbidden in this life, he may drink of it *ad libitum* in the next, and
+the wine of Paradise doth not inebriate. He shall have perpetual youth,
+and as many children as he may desire. He shall be ravished with the
+songs of the angel Israfeel, “whose heart-strings are a lute, and who
+has the sweetest voice of all God’s creatures.” I really cannot go
+on; my feelings are too much for me. I remember when young being
+taught to sing (or rather to squall; for my voice could never have
+been mistaken for that of the angel Isrâfeel, even by a frequenter of
+revival meetings or music halls)::
+
+     “I thank the goodness and the grace (grays?)
+             Which on my birth have smiled,
+     And made me in these Christian days (dace?)
+             A happy English child.’*
+
+But now that I am a man, this same consideration fills me with bitterest
+sorrow and anguish, so that I am ready to bellow::
+
+     I curse the evil and disgrace
+          Which have my birth defiled,
+     Who would have been in other case
+          A happy Muslim child!
+
+Yea, when I contrast these glowing and glorious prospects held out
+to the faithful by the Kur-ân, with the everlasting singing in white
+night-gowns, amidst the howling of elders and composite beasts all over
+eyes (what our Heine terms “all the menagerie of the Apocalypse”),
+in adoration of a God like a jasper and sardine stone to look upon, and
+of a Lamb with seven horns and seven eyes; then do I wring my hands
+and beat my breast and tear my hair, sighing and sobbing, moaning and
+groaning, weeping and lamenting most piteously—Alas! and alas! and
+alas! why was I bom in a Christian land and reared for the Christian
+Heaven? Would that I had been born among the Muslims and brought up in
+the faith of El Islâm! So should I be now looking forward (for from
+such a generous faith never, never would I have lapsed) unto a Paradise
+worthy of the name; revelling in anticipations of four-score thousand
+servants, uncloying courses of three hundred dishes, unlimited strong
+wine without inebriation, six-dozen wives of the refulgent celestial
+virgins, aging not themselves, aging not me; perpetual youth, unsating
+and unexhausting raptures, for ever, and ever, and ever; and instead of
+having to sing my own throat hoarse, I should have the angel Isrâfeel
+to sing for me. Ah, dear God! Thou most Compassionate! Thou most
+Bountiful! Thou to whom all things are possible! grant that I may even
+yet be converted from a doleful Christian infidel into a blessed Muslim
+true believer! O God the All-merciful, save me from the terrors
+and tortures of our Sankey and Moody Christian heaven! O God the
+All-gracious, let me lie secure in the arms of six-dozen hooreeyehs of
+Paradise of El Islam! Amen, and Amen.
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+THE CHRISTIAN WORLD AND THE SECULARIST
+======================================
+
+(1876.)
+
+.. dropcap:: T The
+
+The *Christian World* of the 1st inst. has another note on the article
+on “Some Muslim Laws and Beliefs.” As Mr. Foote responded to the
+first note on behalf of the *Secularist*, I, as the author of the
+obnoxious article, which was mainly mere compilation from the work of a
+Christian scholar and gentleman, may say a few words on my own behalf in
+reply to the second, which is as follows:—
+
+“A correspondent writes:—In your ‘Notes by the Way’ last week
+there is a painful, though not unseasonable, quotation from a writer
+on ‘Muslim Laws and Beliefs.’ This, as coming from a Secularist,
+is deplorable enough. It is very much more so that the late Viscount
+Amberley, a son of a veteran statesman, should in his ‘Analysis of
+Religious Belief,’ which might indeed more justly be termed ‘A
+Panegyric of all Heathen Beliefs, and a Travesty of that of the
+Christian,’ have given a like description of the paradise of the
+Koran, and should have sneeringly told us that the Christian Scriptures,
+in their pictures of the heavenly life, ‘*strangely overlook this
+enjoyment*’ of ‘ever virgins’ never growing old, who are to
+‘supply the faithful with the pleasure of love’ (vide Vol. II., p.
+200). This is but a specimen of the disdainful and derisive tone with
+which this writer, who at length leaves himself stranded in a region
+of the dreariest Atheism, continually speaks of that Book which what he
+terms ‘the illusions of our younger days’ might have taught him o
+respect.”
+
+I do not doubt that the quotation was painful to the Christian
+correspondent, since it is always painful to have our lifelong
+prejudices shocked by those who have never shared them, or who have
+attained freedom from their yoke. One might give not a few quotations
+from any number of the *Christian World* which would be very painful to
+a pious Muslim. Nor do I doubt that the quotation was not unseasonable,
+for quotations from the *Secularist* must always be seasonable in an
+influential Christian periodical, when they tend to expand the Christian
+narrowness, and show that there is much to be said in favor of other
+beliefs. And I admit that, like many other things coming from a
+Secularist, it must have been deplorable enough to a Christian suckled
+on the Bible, and assured in his unreflecting ignorance that it is the
+one true word of the three-in-one true god. But the correspondent finds
+it very much more deplorable that a son of a veteran statesman should
+agree with the Secularist—as if the sons of veteran statesmen
+were naturally expected to be sunk deeper than other persons in the
+prevailing superstition. The correspondent who, we may presume, has
+always been taught, and has never doubted, that all heathen beliefs are
+wholly devilish, and that the Christian belief is wholly divine, thinks
+that Viscount Amberley’s book is a panegyric of the former and a
+travesty of the latter. If the unfortunate correspondent had the courage
+and intelligence to enter upon a real analysis of religious belief, he
+would soon discover that he and his co-religionists have been all
+along travestying every form of what they call heathenism. With amusing
+simplicity he is astonished that Lord Amberley gives a like description
+of the paradise of the Kur-ân to that which I gave in the *Secularist*,
+as if he could have been accurate in giving any other, when mine was
+drawn from one of the most careful and accurate of writers, the Oriental
+Englishman, unequalled in his knowledge of Arabic literature and life!
+Why, in the very week following the attack on the *Secularist*, the
+*Christian World’s* twin sister, the *Literary World* (perhaps incited
+thereto by its study of our vilified paper), showed that it had been
+reading or dipping into Lane, by an article on him under the queer title
+of “A Man of One Book,” he being distinguished for three—“The
+Manners and Customs of the Modem Egyptians,” the translation of
+the “Arabian Nights,” with its peerless notes, and the monumental
+“Arabic Lexicon”; and the said queerly-named article echoed the
+general praise of his thoroughness and accuracy, and repeated the
+statement of those who knew him, that he was a deeply pious man. I am
+not concerned with the defence of Lord Amberley, and shall therefore not
+follow further the correspondent’s remarks on his book, save to note
+that a man who says that any such writer “leaves himself stranded in
+a region of the dreariest Atheism,” proves himself by this one phrase
+utterly incompetent to study that word or understand its subject matter;
+and, as ignorant and incapable, had better confine himself to the
+Sunday-school, the Young Men’s Christian Association, the religious
+tea-meeting, and street-corner raving.
+
+It may be as well to say something on my own account, in addition to
+the vigorous remarks of Mr. Foote, in reply to the first note of the
+*Christian World*, and vindication of the passage it impugned. And
+first, as to the Book of Revelation, which claims to be prophetic, and
+stands in our Bible as the work of St. John the Divine. Luther, indeed,
+who was not afraid to pass an independent judgment, said, “I look upon
+the revelation as neither apostolic nor prophetic;” but it is received
+as both by our English Protestants, and continually referred to by them
+as the record of a genuine and authentic vision. But I assert, without
+fear of contradiction, that if they had never known it, and some
+missionary brought home an account of its marvels as belonging to the
+faith of some Polynesian islanders, they would be filled with wonder
+and compassion at the monstrous superstitions of those poor heathen
+barbarians. Yes, Exeter Hall and the readers and writers of the
+*Christian World* itself, would assuredly invoke help to enlighten the
+degraded idolaters who believed in a heaven whose God was to look upon
+like a jasper and a sardine; in the midst of whose throne, and round
+about whose throne, were four beasts—a lion, a calf, a man-faced
+monster, an eagle—each with six wings, and full of eyes before and
+behind and within; which beasts never rested day nor night from
+saying, “Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty;” and which, moreover,
+worshipped a lamb with seven horns and seven eyes—a figment more
+extravagant than the many-headed and many-armed idols of India. And so
+with the other enormities of the Apocalypse. Our civilised gentlemen of
+the *Christian World* can only believe that they believe these things,
+because hallowed associations and unreflecting faith blind their
+judgment to the obvious absurdity of the imagery and the conspicuous
+non-fulfilment of the prophecy, which again and again claims to announce
+events then at hand, to come quickly.
+
+In the next place I assert that the everlasting monotonous singing of
+the praises of the lamb, the interminable senseless routine, is not
+a whit more spiritual, while infinitely less alluring, than the
+occupations of the Mohammedan Paradise. If it be answered that
+enlightened Christians have nobler ideas of heaven, I reply that
+such anticipations are not warranted by the New Testament, and that
+magnanimous Muslims have also nobler anticipations of paradise, for
+which there is warrant in the Kur-ân. And while on the subject of
+spirituality, I may remark that the pure monotheism of the Muslim and
+the Jew is immensely more spiritual, as well as more rational, than
+the monotritheism of the Christian, which not only deifies a man, but
+juggles with a so-called mystery that cannot be expressed in words
+without self-contradiction, cannot be conceived in thought, and, by the
+confession of its own apologists, defies reason.
+
+As to the “hysterical buffoonery,” I have yet to learn that there is
+anything hysterical in a jolly burst of Rabelaisian laughter. And as to
+the “poor hollow mockery,” I can assure the writer in the *Christian
+World* that the mockery was quite rich, sound and genuine in relation
+to the Apocalypse of his idolised book and the popular Protestant Moody
+and Sankey heaven. (By the bye, can anyone inform us whether Mr. Sankey
+is really a Jew, and not a Christian Jew, as I have heard positively
+asserted on Hebrew authority?) As to the “blasphemous irreverence”
+and the “horrible and blasphemous invocation,” I deny the
+possibility of blasphemy where there is no belief. A man may blaspheme
+that which he accounts worthy of reverence, because in speaking evil of
+it he violates his own convictions and holiest feelings. But if for me
+there is no God, how can I blaspheme him? Speaking contemptuously of
+him, I but contemn nothing. If the writer in the *Christian World* were
+accused of blasphemy for reviling Jupiter and Venus, Brahma and Vishnu,
+Baal and Moloch, the Goddess of Reason and Mumbo Jumbo, he would reply,
+I cannot blaspheme false gods, meaning simply gods in whom he has no
+faith. Just so,
+
+I say that I cannot blaspheme the trinity-in-unity of the Christian,
+which to me is non-existent, absurd, impossible. It would be well for
+the writers and readers of the *Christian World* to ponder these things.
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+THE ATHANASIAN CREED
+====================
+
+(1865.)
+
+.. dropcap:: O On
+
+On Christmas day, as on all other chief holidays of the year, the
+ministers and congregations of our National Church have had the noble
+privilege and pleasure of standing up and reciting the creed commonly
+called of St. Athanasius. The question of the authorship does not
+concern us here, but a note of Gibbon (chapter 37) is so brief and
+comprehensive that we may as well cite it:—“But the three
+following truths, however strange they may seem, are *now* universally
+acknowledged. 1. St. Athanasius is not the author of the creed which
+is so frequently read in our churches. 2. It does not appear to have
+existed within a century after his death. 3. It was originally composed
+in the Latin tongue, and consequently in the western provinces.
+Gennadius, patriarch of Constantinople, was so much amazed by this
+extraordinary composition, that he frankly pronounced it to be the
+work of a drunken man.” (This Gennadius, by the bye, is the same whom
+Gibbon mentions two or three times afterwards in the account of the
+siege and conquest of Constantinople by the Turks, a.d. 1453).
+
+Whoever elaborated the Creed, and whether he did it drunk or sober, the
+Church of England has made it thoroughly her own by adoption.
+
+Yet it must be admitted that many good churchmen, and perhaps even a few
+churchwomen, have not loved this adopted child of their Holy Mother as
+warmly as their duty commanded. The intelligently pious
+
+Tillotson wishes Mother Church well rid of the bantling; and poor George
+the Third himself, with all his immense genius for orthodoxy, could not
+take kindly to it. He was willing enough to repeat all its expressions
+of theological faith—in fact, their perfect nonsense, their obstinate
+irrationality, must have been exquisitely delightful to a brain such
+as his; but he was not without a sort of vulgar manhood, even
+when worshipping in the Chapel Royal, and so rather choked at its
+denunciations—“for it do curse dreadful.” He could keep the faith
+whole and undefiled by reason, yet did not like to assert that all who
+had been and were and should in future be in this particular less happy
+than himself, must without doubt perish everlastingly.
+
+On the other hand one of our most liberal Churchmen, Mr. Maurice, has
+argued that this creed is essentially merciful, and that its retention
+in the Book of Common Prayer is a real benefit. Mr. Maurice, however, as
+we all know, interprets “perish everlastingly” into a meaning very
+different from that which most members of the Church accept. And his
+opinions lose considerably in weight from the fact that no man save
+himself can infer any one of them from any other. For example, if
+you are cheered up a bit by his notions as to “Eternal” and
+“Everlasting,” you are soon depressed again by his pervading
+woefulness. Of all the rulers we hear of—the ex-king of Naples, the
+king of Prussia, the Elector of Hesse-Cassel, Abraham Lincoln, and the
+Pope included—the poor God of Mr. Maurice is the most to be pitied: a
+God whose world is in so deplorable a state that the good man who owns
+Him lives in a perpetual fever of anxiety and misery in endeavoring to
+improve it for Him.
+
+What part of this creed shocks the pious who are shocked at all by
+it? Simply the comprehensive damnation it deals out to unbelievers,
+half-believers, and all except whole believers. For we do not hear that
+the pious are shocked by the confession of theological or theoillogical
+faith itself. Their reverence bows and kisses the rod, which we cool
+outsiders might fairly have expected to be broken up and flung out of
+doors in a fury of indignation. Their sinful human nature is shocked
+on account of their fellow-men; their divine religious nature is not
+shocked on account of their God: yet does not the creed use God as badly
+as man?
+
+A chemist secures some air, and analyses it into its ultimate
+constituents, and states with precise numerals the proportions of
+oxygen, nitrogen, and carbonic acid therein. Just so the author of this
+creed secures the Divinity and analyses it into Father, Son, and Holy
+Ghost, and just as precisely he reports the relations of these. A
+mathematician makes you a problem of a certain number divided into three
+parts in certain ratios to each other and to the sum, from which ratios
+you are to deduce the sum and the parts. Just so the author of this
+creed makes a riddle of his God, dividing him into three persons, from
+whose inter-relations you are to deduce the Deity. An anatomist gets
+hold of a dead body and dissects it exposing the structure and functions
+of the brain, the lungs, the heart, etc. Just so the author of this
+creed gets possession of the corpse of God (He died of starvation doing
+slop-work for Abstraction and Company; and the dead body was purveyed
+by the well-known resurrectionist Priestcraft), and cuts it open and
+expounds the generation and functions of its three principal organs. But
+the chemist does not tell us that oxygen, nitrogen, and carbonic acid
+are three gases and yet one gas, that each of them is and is not common
+air, that they have each peculiar and yet wholly identical properties;
+the mathematician does not tell us that each of the three parts of his
+whole number is equal to the whole, and equal to each of the others,
+and yet less than the whole and unequal to either of the others; the
+anatomist does not tell us that brain and lungs and heart are each
+distinct and yet all the same in substance, structure, and function, and
+that each is in itself the whole body and at the same time is not: while
+the author of this creed does tell us analogous contradictions of
+the three members and the whole of his God. And the chemist, the
+mathematician, and the anatomist do not damn us (except, perhaps, by
+way of expletive at our stupidity) if we fail to understand and believe
+their enunciations; but the author of this creed very seriously and
+solemnly damns to everlasting perdition all who cannot put faith in his.
+In other words, the chemist, the mathematician and the anatomist try to
+be as reasonable and tolerant as human nature can hope to be; while the
+author of this creed aims at and manages to reach an almost superhuman
+unreason and intolerance.
+
+Giving him the full benefit of this difference, the fact remains that
+in other respects he treats his subject just as they treat theirs. He, a
+pious Christian, professing unbounded adoration and awe of his Divinity,
+coolly analyses and makes riddles of and dissects this Divinity as if it
+were a sample of air, a certain number, a dead body. This humble-minded
+devotee, who knows so well that he is finite and that God is infinite,
+and that the finite cannot conceive, much less comprehend, much less
+express the infinite, yet expounds this Infinite with the most complete
+and complacent knowledge, turns it inside out and upside down, tells us
+all about it, cuts it up into three parts, and then glues it together
+again with a glue that has the tenacity of atrocious wrongheadeduess
+instead of the coherence of logic, puts his mark upon it, and says,
+“This is the only genuine thing in the God line. If you are taken
+in by any other, why, go and be damned;” and having done all this,
+finishes by chanting “Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to
+the Holy Ghost!” And the pious are not shocked by what they should
+abhor as horrible sacrilege and blasphemy; they are shocked only by
+the “Go, and be damned,” which is the prologue and epilogue of the
+blasphemy. Were the damnatory clauses omitted, it appears that even the
+most devout worshippers could comfortably chant the “Glory be to the
+Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost” immediately after they
+had been thus degrading Father, Son, and Holy Ghost to the level and
+beneath the level of their low human understanding. And these very
+people are horrified by the lack of veneration in Atheists and infidels!
+What infidel ever dealt with God more contemptuously and blasphemously
+than this creed has dealt with him? Can it be expected that sane and
+sensible men, who have out-grown the prejudices sucked in with their
+mothers’ milk, will be reconverted to reverence a Deity whom his
+votaries dare to treat in this fashion?
+
+Ere we conclude, it may be as well to anticipate a probable objection.
+It may likely enough be urged that the author and reciters cf the creed
+do not pretend to know the Deity so thoroughly as we have assumed,
+since they avouch very early in the creed that the three persons of the
+Godhead are one and all incomprehensible. If the word incomprehensible,
+thus used, means (what it apparently meant in the author’s mind)
+unlimited as to extension, just as the word eternal means unlimited as
+to time, the objection is altogether wide of the mark.. But even if the
+word incomprehensible be taken to mean (what it apparently means in
+the minds of most people who use the creed) beyond the comprehension or
+capacity of the human intellect, still the objection is without force.
+For in the same sense a tuft of grass, a stone, anything and everything
+in the world is beyond the capacity of the human intellect: the roots
+of a tuft of grass strike as deeply into the incomprehensible as the
+mysteries of the Deity. Relatively this creed tells us quite as much
+about God as ever the profoundest botanist can tell us about the grass;
+in fact, it tells relatively more, for it implies a knowledge of the
+*Final Cause* of the subsistence of God, which no future botanist can
+tell or imply of the grass.
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+OUR OBSTRUCTIONS
+================
+
+(1877.)
+
+.. dropcap:: W Walking
+
+Walking along the Strand and Fleet Street and through the heart of
+the City, noting the churches on the way—high St. Martin’s, St.
+Mary-le-Strand, St. Clement Danes, the Cathedral, and the many still
+left wedged in by offices in the narrowest and busiest streets, or lanes
+of London—I am always reminded of the old wooden ships laid up “in
+ordinary,” as one sees them at Plymouth and Portsmouth, and elsewhere.
+The churches, like the ships, though not so surely, may have done good
+service in their time; but their day is past, never to return. When we
+reflect on the subject, however, we find manifold differences between
+the state of the churches and that of the ships. These are dismantled,
+unrigged and dismasted, passive white hulls ghostly on the waters, as it
+were the phantoms of the old swift-winged and thunder-striking eagles
+of battle. But the churches remain in all their pride, complete in
+equipment from lowest vault to topmost spire, even those which are shut
+silent all the week, without the least pretence of use, and in which
+on Sunday the droning and drowsy worship of a meagre congregation
+“rattles like a withered kernel in a large shell.” Again, the
+crews of the ships were discharged as soon as these were put out of
+commission, while the full crews of the churches, rectors, vicars,
+ushers, beadles, are kept on at full pay, and saunter through the old
+exercises and parades as if they were valiant effectives instead of
+dummies and shams. And this death-in-life of the churches is more dreary
+and doleful than the naked death of the ships.
+
+These churches officially and effetely represent what is called the
+English Reformation, the most ignoble in Europe; which, as Macaulay
+remarks, merely transferred the full cup from the hand of the Pope to
+the hand of the King, spilling as little,as possible by the way. It is
+true that the State Church thus established, in spite of its illogical
+position, boasted great men in its early days, inspired by patriotism as
+against Rome, with abounding faith for the mysteries, with firm belief
+in the Bible, with full confidence in metaphysical divinity. But now
+Rome is formidable no longer, the mysteries are seen to be not only
+incomprehensible but self-contradictory, the Bible has been torn
+asunder by criticism, metaphysical divinity has been proved baseless;
+all the best thought of the age abandons the Church and disregards its
+dogmas; it has great men no more, nor ever again will have. Its general
+character is well hit off by Ruskin, himself a devoted Christian, in the
+phrase “the smooth proprieties of lowland Protestantism.”’ It
+may be worth while to quote a little more from him on this
+subject (“Modern Painters,” part v., chap. 20, “The Mountain
+Glory”)—“But still the large aspect of the matter is always, among
+Protestants, that formalism, respectability, orthodoxy, caution and
+propriety, live by the slow stream that encircles the lowland abbey or
+cathedral; and that enthusiasm, poverty, vital faith and audacity of
+conduct, characterise the pastor dwelling by the torrent side.” And
+again: “Among the fair arable lands of England and Belgium extends
+an orthodox Protestantism or Catholicism—prosperous, creditable and
+drowsy; but it is among the purple moors of the highland border, the
+ravines of Mount Genévre, and the crags of the Tyrol, that we shall
+find the simplest evangelical faith and the purest Romanist practice.”
+In other words, in religion the highlander is enthusiastic and
+superstitious, the low-lander lukewarm and worldly. Thus our fat English
+Church still keeps to the text, “By grace ye are saved;” but its
+grace now is chiefly of deportment. It boasts that its clergy are
+gentlemen; and they may be, as a rule, in society, though we unbelievers
+seldom find them so in controversy; and it seems to be persuaded that
+we should continue to allow it several million pounds a year to keep
+up this supply of gentlemen, when every profession, every trade shows
+gentlemen quite as good, with the advantages of more intellect, more
+experience of life, more courage and more sincerity.
+
+There is indeed a section of the clergy full of zeal—to restore the
+priesthood. How some of these gentlemen compound with their consciences
+in taking English pay and position for doing Romish work, is a standing
+puzzle to honest laymen untrained in casuistry. But as they do rank
+themselves among the parsons of our State Church, their ecclesiastical
+pretensions are even more ludicrous than they are outrageously arrogant.
+For ever preaching up the authority and discipline of the Church, they
+are the first to rebel against it when it does not suit their whims.
+Thus Mr. Tooth, of Hatcham, not only defies an Act of Parliament, but
+also defies his bishop, and has plenty of abettors in doing both. I read
+in the *Daily News*: “Two of Mr. Tooth’s supporters, whose letters
+we have published, insist that the Public Worship Regulation Act is not
+law and is not binding on Churchmen, because it has never received the
+sanction of Convocation”—the said Convocation having about as much
+influence and authority in the country as a tavern discussion society.
+
+Again: “One writer talks of the Church having been declared to be
+free from all civil jurisdiction in spiritual affairs by many successive
+Sovereigns. We did not know that our Sovereigns had a right to make laws
+by Royal declarations, [and] not merely for their own time, but for all
+time. According to these principles of constitutional government we
+have three rival law-making powers in England—the Parliament, with
+the Sovereign for one; the Declaration of the Sovereign for another;
+and Convocation for a third. Of these Parliament would seem to be the
+weakest, for it cannot negative the proceedings of the other two;
+but either of these two can declare invalid what it has done.”
+Can anything be more absurd? Here is a State Church established by
+Parliament with the sanction of the monarch, endowed with national
+endowments, liable to be disestablished and disendowed by Parliament
+with the sanction of the monarch; yet many of its ministers claim to be
+free from the authority of the State and Parliament to which it owes its
+existence and subsistence! If they really desire such freedom, they can
+easily obtain it. They have but to sever their adulterous connexion
+with the State, restoring to the nation the endowments they have so long
+misused, and they will then be emancipated from all control, at liberty
+to teach what doctrines and practise what ritual they please. But these
+super-spiritual clergy keep a desperate clutch on the revenues. If
+anything could be more absurd than the defiance of Parliament, it would
+be the defiance of their ecclesiastical superiors by these champions of
+absolute ecclesiastical subordination. His bishop inhibits Mr. Tooth,
+Mr. Tooth coolly disregards the inhibition, and one who sympathises with
+him calmly writes to the *Daily News*? “Considering how bishops have
+been appointed since the Reformation, it is hard to see why Mr. Tooth
+and your correspondents should even pretend to obey them.” This is
+frightful, and may well make even the hardened sceptic shudder. What!
+a genuine successor of the Apostles (else the English Church has no
+genuine priesthood) chosen by the Holy Ghost itself (in obedience to the
+recommendation of the King or Queen) against his own humble wish (for he
+declared *Nolo Episcopari*); and English Churchmen need not even pretend
+to obey him! Such is the subordination of those who maintain the extreme
+authority of the Church!
+
+Jesus has told us that a house divided against itself cannot stand, and
+the house of our State Church is divided against itself most savagely.
+But as the factions, while opposed to each other in all else, thoroughly
+agree in adhering to their endowments and privileges, and with this
+object shore up and buttress the edifice whose fall would be otherwise
+imminent, it behoves us to exert ourselves in bringing to the ground as
+speedily as possible the unsure and dangerous building, and diverting
+the immense funds misemployed in sustaining its uselessness to the real
+edification of the people. For as materially the Church of St. Mary is
+planted silent, void and death-like in the midst of the living currents
+of the Strand, obstructing and breaking the broad stream into two narrow
+arms, so intellectually and morally, in whatever channel our active life
+may flow, we find a similar obstacle, and in all directions we meet one
+cry—“The Church stops the way.”
+
+But when we have removed the obstacle, when we have blasted it as the
+Americans recently blasted that other rock of Hell-gate, clearing the
+entrance to New York’s noble harbor, we shall find another and a more
+inveterate obstacle fronting us—a Book. A book seems but a slight
+thing to bar the way; but multiplied by millions and millions, and
+desperately defended as divine and infallible by legions of zealots, it
+constitutes a far more formidable barricade than the stoutest church
+of stone. The various sects of Nonconformists, who all join with us
+in attacking the State Church, will all join the Churchmen to maintain
+against us their common fetish, the Bible. Regarding this as a human
+production, there is much of it which we highly esteem; but regarded as
+the word of God, it works far more evil than good, and the evil is ever
+increasing while the good decreases; for the revelations of science grow
+ever more clear, and men must more and more strain their consciences and
+sophisticate their intellects in order to believe that they believe in
+the super-human character of the book which reason and science show
+to be so thoroughly human. We are told by men whom we respect that,
+considered historically, Christianity and the other great religions
+merit better treatment than we are wont to accord them. Certainly they
+merit better treatment than is accorded them by those who crudely brand
+them all alike, in all their doctrines and legends and ritual, as the
+mere inventions of priestcraft fostered by kingcraft and statecraft. But
+we are far from committing ourselves to such an impeachment, not less
+monstrous than the most monstrous superstition it assails. We freely
+recognise the naturalness of these religions in the past, their genuine
+consonance with the communities wherein they arose and prevailed; the
+sincerity and truth and nobleness formulated, however erroneously, in
+many of their dogmas, embodied, however imperfectly, in many of their
+myths; but we see that their day is gone by; we cannot allow the past,
+which was the real childhood and youth of mankind, to dominate the
+present, which is its riper age; we discern that the errors of the
+dogmas and the fiction of the myths are now so obvious and incontestable
+that to revere them as faultless and authentic is a gross self-delusion.
+When we say—“The tree is dead; cut it down, why cumbereth it the
+ground?” we do not imply that it never bore good fruit. On the other
+hand, when we admit that it once bore good fruit, we do not imply that
+it is not now dead and an encumbrance to the ground. It is precisely
+because we do consider these old faiths historically, because we fully
+recognise their early efficiency and vigor, that we can thoroughly
+realise their decrepitude and dissolution. And taking western
+Christianity in particular, both the Roman embodied in Mary and the
+Protestant embodied in Jesus, we affirm that it has no longer real life,
+but only the “ghastly affectation of life.” Reason and science have
+disembowelled it, have removed its heart and its brain. It is ready for
+the historical embalmer. Its great part in the drama of human life is
+played out; it is still kept above ground, its life still asserted,
+because large numbers would lose much by the frank acknowledgement of
+its decease, and other large numbers who cannot bring themselves to
+face the fact of its death, persist in hoping against hope that the
+lifelessness is hut a swoon or a cataleptic fit, from which it will yet
+awaken with renewed strength. We, however, dare to see what we cannot
+help seeing, we venture to avow the fact which is beyond fair dispute.
+Doubtless the living man did brave work in his time; but shall
+we therefore bow down worshipping his mummy, and keep it from its
+sepulchre, and continue to allot immense revenues to his army of
+servitors who have now no service to render? No; the sooner we bury the
+corpse and send the servitors about their business the better for us and
+for them.
+
+Thus far I think all Secularists will go with me. But for many, perhaps
+the majority of us, who are not only Secularists, but Republicans, there
+is a third great obstacle, the Throne, which is now little else than a
+costly sham. Yet, sham as it is, it is still strong to obstruct, being
+encompassed and fortified by the power of the nobles, the power of
+the clergy, the power of the wealthy, the degraded and degrading
+snobbishness of the middle and lower middle classes. The artisans and
+laborers generally, as we know, care nothing for it or are distinctly
+hostile. We have had some great monarchs, though the greatest we ever
+had was crown-less, and we can yield to monarchy in the past something
+of such historical respect as we yield to Christianity. But who that is
+not a very serf by nature can feel any genuine respect for monarchy as
+we have it in these days? when the main duty of the King or Queen is to
+countersign the decrees of Parliament; a duty which the Lord Chancellor
+or the Speaker could perform just as well and with more promptitude. One
+need not dwell on the character of the reigning house, which, brought
+ignobly to the throne, has been consistently ignoble from the first
+until the accession of her present Most Gracious Majesty. A much nobler
+royal family would be just as superfluous now as the present we have
+outgrown the need of a paternal or guardian king. Nor is the question
+of principle really affected by the fact that this ignoble family, like
+other species of the lower animals, is excessively prolific, and that
+every prince or princess born of it, costs us several thousands a year.
+We should not grudge the money for service rendered; the gravamen of
+our impeachment is that no monarch now can render service of value. The
+effective energy of our monarchy in these days is well symbolised in the
+procedure at the opening of Parliament—royal carriages without royal
+occupants; royal life-guards with no royal life to guard; a royal robe
+spread on a vacant throne; the Lord Chancellor reading a royal speech
+composed by responsible ministers. Her Majesty during fourteen long
+years has been doing her best to teach us how well we can get on without
+a monarch, and how stupid we are therefore to keep one at a great
+expense. We may find something venerable in the throne when put aside
+and conserved simply as a curious relic of the past; we find it merely
+absurd while retained for useless use, a pretentious seat with no one
+to sit in it. As Théophile says: “*Si rien nest plus beau que
+l’antique, est plus laid que le suranné.*”
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+MR. KINGSLEY’S CONVERTITES
+==========================
+
+(1865.)
+
+.. dropcap:: R Readers
+
+Readers can scarcely have forgotten the amusing “turn-up” between
+the Rev. Mr. Kingsley and the Rev. Dr. Newman, in which the latter got
+the former “into Chancery,” and punished him so pitilessly. While
+reading the “Apologia pro Vitâ Sua,” one naturally reflected now
+and then upon the opinions, as stated in the books, of Dr. Newman’s
+antagonist; and the fight grew more and more comically exquisite as one
+gradually learnt the thorough agreement at bottom of the two who were
+struggling so fiercely at top. When I speak of Mr. Kingsley’s books,
+I mean his novels and romances, all of which (except the one not yet
+completely published) I have duly read and enjoyed. As for certain
+collections of sermons, a dialogue for loose thinkers, a *jeu
+d’esprit* on the Pentateuch, together with various trifles by way of
+lectures on history and philosophy, I confess that none of these have
+I ever even attempted to peruse. To palliate this sin of omission I can
+only urge the high probability that a man of Mr. Kingsley’s character
+must find much more vigorous and ample expression in a free and easy
+novel than in any didactic or argumentative treatise, with its wearisome
+requirements of consecutiveness and cramping limitations of logic. I now
+ask the leaders of the *National Reformer* to accompany me in a general
+review of his romances, because I think that such a review will develop
+two or three facts seldom noticed in the critiques—whether friendly
+or adverse—that abound upon his writings. Especially, I think that it
+will be found that the popular phrases, “Muscular Christianity” and
+“Broad Church,” by no means sufficiently characterise his religious
+tendency; and that, with all the superficial unlikeness, almost
+amounting to perfect contrast between him and Dr. Newman, the opponents
+as religious men are fundamentally alike in this—that their respective
+creeds satisfy, or appear to satisfy, in the same manner the same
+peculiarly intense want in their several natures.
+
+In every one of Mr. Kingsley’s romances there is a chief personage,
+more or less naturally good but decidedly godless at the beginning,
+god-fearing and saintly at the end. Some of the romances have each two
+or three of these convertites, the throes of whose regeneration are the
+principal “motives” of the most striking scenes, and may be thus
+fairly said to furnish the plot and passion of the book. My present
+object is not aesthetic, and I therefore need not argue the question
+whether narratives thus constructed can have any claim to rank as
+genuine works of art. With the melancholy Jaques in “As You Like
+It,” I believe::
+
+     Out of these Convertites
+     There is much matter to be heard and learned—
+
+so will stay “to see no pastime, I,” but run through the stories of
+these conversions, touching only the most salient points.
+
+Alton Locke, when adolescent, is a very poor tailor, a poet whose verses
+are far more vigorous than his character, a chartist, a sceptic. He
+madly falls in love with a Dean’s daughter, and through the patronage of
+the Dean himself, gets a volume of poems published. As the fiercest of
+the rhymes have been soothed out of this volume by the decorous
+Dean, Radical friends forward to young Locke a pair of
+plush-breeches—fitting testimonial to the flunkeyism conspicuous in
+the omissions. He is imprisoned for inciting a rustic mob to a Chartist
+outbreak, confounds the prison chaplain by sporting the latest novelties
+in heresy direct from Germany, shares when released in the delirium of
+the memorable tenth of April, finds that the lady of his love is to be
+married to his cousin, and consummates the long orgy of excitement with
+a desperate fever. The Dean had directed his attention to the study of
+natural history; hence the frenzy of the fever takes a zoological turn,
+and he undergoes therein marvellous transmigrations through a series
+of antediluvian monsters; awaking at last to sane consciousness (*sane
+comparatively, he is never quite in his right senses, poor fellow*) to
+find himself nursed by a young widow, the dean’s elder daughter, who
+soothes him with ladings from Tennyson. She has very recently lost
+her husband, who was merely a brilliant nobleman, and she herself a
+Convertite; in a few days the modest Alton is hinting at a declaration
+to her. She will not marry him, nor indeed any other man, but she sends
+him out to South America on a special poetical mission. On the voyage
+thither he dies, a believer, regenerate, leaving as legacy to his
+friends and the world at large a war-song of the Church (ferociously)
+Militant. What has converted him?—the plush breeches? the crash of
+the tenth of April? the loss of his first lady love? the reading of the
+“Lotus-eaters?” the delirious Fugue of Fossils? Some or all of these
+it must be supposed; for weak though he was, he surely could not
+have been seriously influenced by the comical caricatures of Socratic
+dialectics, which the Dean sometimes played with him in lieu of chess or
+backgammon.
+
+Next comes Yeast, whose great Convertite is Lancelot Smith. He is
+introduced to us as fresh from Cambridge, a stalwart gallant fellow of
+great abilities, rather debauched, but discontented with his debauchery,
+and utterly without fixed creed. An accident confines him long to the
+house of the Squire whom he is visiting. During his convalescence he
+becomes a lover of one of the Squire’s daughters—a young lady
+whose vernacular name is Argemone, and who is herself rapidly growing
+a perfect saint. He also becomes the friend of a gamekeeper who
+reads Carlyle, writes poetry, and has experienced special religious
+illumination. Lancelot then loses all his fortune by the failure of his
+uncle’s bank, and loses his sweetheart by the sulphuretted-hydrogen
+fever; turns street-porter for the nonce to earn a bit of bread, and
+finally goes off one knows not whither; an excellent fervid Christian,
+after playing through several bewildering pages a wild burlesque of the
+Platonic dialogue with a personage so mysterious that I prefer not to
+attempt a description of him. What has converted Lancelot? The loss of
+his money and the death of his sweetheart seem to have been the main
+influences. For although he was stunned with calamity, I will not
+deem him so stupefied as to think that he was made a believer by the
+unintelligible dialogue.
+
+Then follows Hypatia. And here I may remark that I am unable to concur
+in what seems the general opinion—namely, that Mr. Kingsley intended
+his heroine to represent the character of the Hypatia of history.
+Although living in the same city at the same period, both lecturing on
+philosophy, and both ultimately murdered by Christian mobs; it appears
+to me that, as women, the two Hypatias differed so much from each other
+that no one having heard them talk for five minutes could have the
+slightest doubt as to which was which. History and Mr. Kingsley have
+each composed an acrostic on this lovely name, and with the same *bouts
+rimes*; but the body (and the spirit) of the one poem is extremely
+unlike the body (and the spirit) of the other. Mr. Kingsley proffers
+us an ancient cup and a flask, Greek-lettered “Wine of Cyprus”; we
+commence to drink solemnly and devoutly, but—O most miserable mockery!
+it is indubitable brandy and water. Well may he call this an old foe
+with a new face! The Kingsley Hypatia is not altogether, but is very
+nearly a Convertite; so nearly that he would certainly have made her
+altogether one, had not the *bouts rime’s* been too well known for
+alteration. Her best pupil (of whom more anon) abandons her, she begins
+to love a beautiful young Greek monk, and yet (that philosophy may have
+the help of worldly power in its mortal duel with Christianity) consents
+to marry the Prefect of Alexandria, whom she very justly despises. While
+miserable with the consciousness of how low she is stooping to conquer,
+she is fascinated or mesmerised by an old Jewish hag, and crouches in
+a sort of fetish worship to what she thinks a statue of Apollo, said
+statue being represented by the handsome monk. In the agony of shame
+which follows her discovery of this cheat she performs a short parody of
+the Socratic dialogue in concert with the pupil who had left her and who
+has returned a Christian, and at last, when going to the lecture hall
+(where murder shall prevent her from ever lecturing more) she
+confesses to a certain longing for Christianity. Why? She was wretched,
+humiliated, defeated, weary; she had staked all on the red, and had
+lost—what more natural than a yearning to try the black? And this
+character is published and generally received for the Hypatia of
+history!
+
+But the great Convertite of this romance is the pupil already mentioned,
+the renegade Jew, Raphael Ben Ezra. In the prime of life, wealthy, the
+favorite comrade of the Prefect, superlatively gifted with that subtle
+Hebrew clearness, which, swayed by a strong will and intense self-love,
+can scarcely be distinguished from genius, we find him in the opening
+chapters already as used up as the old King Solomon of Ecclesiastes,
+having exhausted all excitements of wine, women, and philosophy, all
+voluptuousness, physical and intellectual. Desperate with *ennui*, he
+abandons Hypatia, casts away his wealth (how many Jews do the same!),
+barters clothes with a beggar, and sets out to wander the world with an
+amiable British bull-bitch (afterwards the happy mother of nine sweet
+infants) for his sole guide, philosopher and friend. The chapter wherein
+his Pyrrhonism disported itself “on the floor of the bottomless”
+seems to have been, in great measure, borrowed from the talk of one
+Babbalanja in Herman Melville’s “Mardi;” perhaps, however, both
+were borrowed direct from Jean Paul’s gigantic grotesque, “Titan.”
+Becoming involved in the meshes of the great war in Africa—that revolt
+of Heraclian against Honorius which Gibbon treats with such contemptuous
+brevity in his thirty-first chapter—he is nearly killed himself, saves
+an old officer from death and soon falls in love with this officer’s
+daughter. He reads about this time certain epistles, and infers
+therefrom that Saul of Tarsus was one of the finest gentlemen that ever
+lived. Also, while the guest of good Bishop Synesius, he hears Saint
+Augustine preach, and engages with him in long discussions, fortunately
+unreported. Returning to Alexandria, he almost converts Hypatia, sees
+her murdered, sharpens his tongue on Cyril the primate, and leaves
+again to marry his saintly sweetheart, and end his lire as quite a model
+Christian. What has converted him? His love for the young Christian?
+the gentlemanly character of Paul’s Epistles? the bull-bitch with her
+ninefold litter, like Shakespere’s nightmare? the murder of Hypatia
+by the Christians, who rent, and tore and shred her living body to
+fragments? Or was it mere satiety and weariness of thinking—the
+weariness which leads so many who thought freely when young to find a
+resting-place in the bosom of the Church as they get old?
+
+In “Westward, Ho!” the great conversion is of Ayacanorah. But as
+this is a conversion not merely religious but also moral, social and
+intellectual, a conversion from barbarism to civilisation, it does
+not come fairly into the class I am describing. Two incidents in the
+romance, however, must not be passed over. The first occurs in the
+Lotus-eating chapter. Will Para-combe tired, as well he may be, of
+wandering about savage America in search of El Dorado, blindly refuses
+to see that it is his chief end as man to continue wandering until El
+Dorado is found and the captain has glutted his heart with vengeance on
+the Spaniards; and Will gives such excellent reasons for staying in the
+beautiful spot where he is, with the beautiful and affectionate native
+woman whom he is willing and anxious to marry in the most legal mode
+attainable, that Captain Amyas Leigh, who has been urging him onward
+with true Kingsleyan diffidence and mildness, finds himself dumbfounded.
+But valuable logical assistance is at hand. A jaguar like a bar of iron
+plunges on poor Will, and he and his arguments are settled on the spot.
+Amyas thanks God for this special interposition of providence in his
+favor. And the man who wrote the adventure of Amyas can sneer at
+the faith of a Catholic like Dr. Newman! The other incident is the
+conversion of Amyas from his diabolical hatred of the Spaniards in
+general, and of the Don with whom Rose had eloped in particular. A
+lightning-flash strikes him blind, and he thereupon repents him of his
+hatred and desire of revenge, and, moreover, has a vision of the Don
+drowned with his sunken galleon, who assures him that his hatred was
+without just cause. These are the true Kingsleyan dialectics; these,
+and not those burlesques of what Plato wrote and Socrates spoke, and Mr.
+Kingsley is no more able to conduct than I am to lead on the violin like
+Herr Joachim, a great concerted composition of Beethoven. Let a jaguar
+loose into your opponent’s syllogistic premises, blind him with a
+lightning-flash that he may see the truth and have clear vision of the
+right way. Yet Mr. Kingsley has undoubtedly read about a tower in Siloam
+that fell, and what Joshua Bar-Joseph said of the people killed by this
+accident.
+
+Lastly, we have “Two Years Ago,” whose great Convertite is Tom
+Thumal. Tom is one of the jolliest of characters, true as steel, tough
+as oak, quick and deft for all emergencies, a compact mass of common
+sense, and courage, and energy, living in the most godless state, He is
+not a heathen—he is more godless yet; for a heathen has something of
+wood or stone which serves him for a deity. In the Saga of Saint Olaf
+(in that great and glorious work “The Heims-kringla”) we read how
+this pious and terrible king going to his last battle was asked by two
+brothers, who were freebooters, for permission to fight in his ranks.
+But although these and their followers were “tall” men, and the king
+was in sore need of recruits, he would not accept their services unless
+they believed in Christ. Whereupon they answered that they saw no
+special need of the help of the “White Christ”; that they had been
+hitherto wont to believe in themselves and their own luck, and with this
+belief had managed to pull through very well, and thought they could do
+the same for the future. Ultimately, these excellent fellows did consent
+to be baptised and called Christians—not from any religious motive,
+alas! but only because of a “shtrong wakeness” they had for taking
+part in a set battle. Tom Thurnal has just as much, and as little,
+religion as these had. After wandering all over the world in all sorts
+of capacities, he comes back to be shipwrecked on the Cornish coast, and
+is the only one on board saved. While he is being dragged up the beach
+senseless, his belt of money—the fruit of a season at the Australian
+diggings—disappears; and he resolves to settle in the village, in
+order to discover it or the thief. Here he falls in love with the
+village schoolmistress, a sweet mystical devotee, whom he rather
+suspects of stealing his gold, and whom he defends from one ruffian in
+order to grossly insult her himself. In the village Tom is doctor, and,
+when the cholera comes, he is assisted in bringing the village through
+it by this saintly schoolmistress, and a pious Major, and a fervid High
+Church parson. At the breaking out of the Crimean War, Tom gets charged
+with a secret mission to the East. Somewhere in Turkey, in Asia, an
+imbecile Sheikh or Pasha whom he is endeavoring to serve, mistakes his
+manœuvres, and keeps him in captivity for a year or two. From this
+imprisonment he comes home crushed and abject, “afraid in passing
+a house that it would fall and smother him,” etc., marries his
+sweetheart and ends a model Christian. What has converted him? Simply,
+it appears, the year or two of solitary confinement—which took all the
+pith and manhood out of him. This last case, the work of Mr. Kingsley in
+the full maturity of his powers, is the most flagrant of all.
+
+If I have not summed up these cases fairly, the novels and romances in
+question are in everybody’s hands to convict me of the unfairness. I
+have simply sketched the leading points as they remain in my memory,
+not referring to the books again to pick out what would best serve my
+purpose. It is not my fault if the personages, who looked so great and
+grandiose in the flowing and ample draperies of romance, do not strip
+well for anatomy.
+
+Now, what is common to all these cases of conversion? This: that the
+characters become religious, not when healthy, but when diseased; the
+religion in every case is exhibited as a drug for the sick, not as
+wholesome food for the healthy. While you are sane, well and hearty,
+doing your work in the world deftly, sound in mind, and wind, and limb,
+and fairly prosperous, you have no need of this religion—you can get
+through the world very well without it. But when your fortune is lost,
+your sweetheart dead or married to another, your courage cowed, your
+heart broken, your mind diseased, your self-respect humiliated, then
+you long for and embrace Christianity (or whatever religion is dominant
+around you): it is a soft pillow for the aching head, a tender couch
+for the bruised body, a flattering nurse for the desolate invalid. I can
+scarcely add that it is a medicine for the sickness, for its medicinal
+virtues are hardly shown; but it is, at any rate, as we read of its
+effects in these books, a narcotic and an anodyne for restlessness and
+pain. It is a religion to die with, not to live with. All these things,
+so soothing and beneficial to the invalid, are nauseous and noxious to
+the healthy.
+
+A man could no more live vigorous life on such religion than he
+could live vigorous life couched tenderly, pillowed softly, nursed
+assiduously, and drugged with narcotics and anodyne all the days of his
+life.
+
+Is the religious world willing to accept this view of religion? It would
+seem so by the remarkable popularity of these books. This view may be
+correct or incorrect, wise or foolish; at any rate, it is strangely at
+variance with the view commonly ascribed to “Muscular Christians,”
+and strangely identical with that which Dr. Newman explicitly avows in
+the most eloquent pages of his “Apologia.” People generally consider
+“Muscular Christianity” as a clever and cheerful improvement on the
+old solemn ascetic Christianity, as a doctrine which fully recognises
+the goodness of the common world and common worldly life, as a liberal
+cultus which does not sacrifice body to soul any more than soul to body,
+but is at once gymnastic and spiritualistic in its “exercises”; a
+vague notion is abroad that, whereas the early religion of Christ and
+his apostles was of sorrow and suffering, this, its latest development,
+is a religion of happiness and health; in short, it is believed that
+“Muscular Christianity” has added the Gospel(1) of the body and this
+life to the primitive Gospel of the soul and the next life: and yet the
+most popular and vigorous writer of this new school, after exhausting a
+very fertile imagination in the suggestion of methods and modes by which
+godless sinners may be converted to godliness, has absolutely found no
+other process effectual than this of showering upon them misfortunes,
+humiliations, afflictions, calamities (such as do not in real life fall
+upon one human being in a thousand, and working results such as they
+would not work in one real human being out of ten thousand); until
+health and hope, self-respect and the capacity for sane joy are
+altogether destroyed in them, the manhood and womanhood overwhelmed and
+crushed out of them; after which he brings in these miserable wrecks and
+relics of what were once men and women as all that he can contribute to
+the extension of the Church, which ought to be the cheerful congregation
+of wholesome men and women throughout the world, the richest flower and
+ripest fruit of humanity. If the Church of the future is to be composed
+of creatures like Mr. Kingsley’s Convertites, Westminster Abbey must
+be turned into a Grand Chartreuse, and St. Paul’s into an Hospital for
+Incurables, and the metropolitan Cathedral of England must be Bedlam.
+
+     1. The Gospel of the body and this life has been powerfully
+     preached in the most explicit terms on the Continent. In
+     England we have been too prudish to advocate it so clearly,
+     although it is, of course, essential to the most enlightened
+     Positivism and Secularism. That much-abused book the
+     “Elements of Social Science” preaches it with more
+     thoroughness, knowledge and ability than any other English
+     work I have met with. I do not pretend to be wise enough to
+     judge this book, and so far as I can judge it, I differ from
+     it in many respects; but on the broad question of the spirit
+     in which it is written, I do not fear to assert that no
+     honest and intelligent man can find pruriency and impurity
+     in it, without he brings the pruriency and impurity in his
+     own heart and mind to the study of it. I can understand
+     ascetic Christians abhorring it, I can understand timid
+     Freethinkers being frightened by it because they are timid;
+     but I cannot understand men who claim to be bold and honest
+     Freethinkers avoiding it as an unholy thing merely because
+     of the subjects it treats, without reference to the mode of
+     treatment, and without sympathy for the admirable motives
+     which manifestly incited the author. He may well say with
+     the most brilliant and daring of all who have preached this
+     Gospel of the body in our age (this Gospel which is so
+     sorely needed to complement and modify the exclusive Gospel
+     of the soul—this Gospel which Plato preached along with the
+     other, while Jesus preached the other only), he may well say
+     with Heine
+
+::
+
+          Doch die Castraten Klagten,
+          Aïs ich meine Stimm’ erhob;
+          Sie Klagten und sie sagten;
+          Ich sange veil zu grob.
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+THE PRIMATE ON THE CHURCH AND THE WORLD
+=======================================
+
+(1876.)
+
+.. dropcap:: T The
+
+The Archbishop of Canterbury is making his second quadrennial visitation
+to his diocese, and delivering an elaborate Charge to the clergy, in
+seven instalments. Of these the first two are reported at considerable
+length in the *Times* of the 27th and 28th inst., a couple of columns
+of small print being given to each. The *Times* has moreover generously
+vouchsafed a leading article of encouragement and approval on each; and
+surely the State Church ought to be proud of such lofty patronage, and
+Lambeth Palace ought to be very grateful to Printing House Square.
+The *Daily News* could only spare half a column for the first; and
+the *Daily Telegraph*, whose exuberant Christianity, hot and strong
+as boiling rancid oil, amazes the world on every great festival of
+the Church, showed its estimate of the importance of our Primate’s
+manifesto by allotting to it eight or nine lines of small print at the
+foot of a column—a pickpocket in a police-court gets as much notice.
+
+Let us glance down the *Times*’ reports, pausing at anything worth a
+note if not by its intrinsic value yet on account of the position of the
+speaker:—
+
+“I wish to set before you some thoughts as to the particular duties,
+which at this time devolve upon the Established Church as the National
+Church of this country. In the days in which we live some even hesitate
+to assign to us the position of a National Church. A National Church is
+a national protest for God and for Christ, for goodness and for truth;
+and if we of this National Church are not making this national protest,
+no one else certainly makes one. No other body in this country can claim
+that commanding influence over the thought of the age, which by God’s
+blessing is assigned to us. No other religious body in the country has
+either that connection with the State, or if that be thought a small
+matter, that power of influencing the whole nation which, thank God, is
+still reserved to us.”
+
+It will be noticed that the Archbishop in his definition of a National
+Church has humbly copied the unorthodox Matthew Arnold, who in
+his address to London clergymen at Sion College, (reviewed in the
+*Secularist* of April 8) declared with an exquisitely humorous gravity
+that he regarded the Church of England as *a great national society for
+the promotion of goodness!* But the Archbishop is really too loose
+in his imitation of this charitable definition bestowed by a man of
+letters. He says: “A National Church is a national protest for God
+and for Christ;” according to which, Mohammedanism, Brahmanism, and
+Buddhism, as the national churches of several countries, are so many
+national protests for God and Christ. We do not expect a mere Primate in
+these days to write with the precision of an accomplished literary man,
+but we do think that he ought to be somewhat less inaccurate than
+this. However, it is to the last two sentences quoted that I would
+particularly call attention. The Church of England has a commanding
+influence over the thought of the age! It has the power of influencing
+the whole nation! Here be truly astonishing announcements. The thought
+of the age in our country is embodied in such persons as Spencer and
+Darwin, Huxley and Tyndall, Carlyle and Browning, George Eliot and
+George Meredith; and what a commanding influence the State Church has
+over these! As for its influence over the whole nation, is it not the
+fact that a large portion of the educated classes, and the great bulk 01
+the artisans, are either sceptical or indifferent, and that more than a
+half of the shopkeepers are Nonconformists bent on Disestablishment and
+Disendowment? The Archbishop has made a most unlucky start.
+
+Passing over some commonplace and common-sense remarks on the duties of
+the clergy, we come to the following:—
+
+“This is an age in which there is a great deal of uneasy thought
+seething throughout the nation. It is a time when, more than any other,
+serious and earnest learning is required to meet the wants of those
+among whom we live. Let us be thankful that the arrangements of
+cathedral bodies do provide quiet places where men may follow a studious
+course, and cause their light to be seen throughout the land, guiding
+the thought of those who are in need of guidance in this anxious age.”
+
+Admitting the truth of the opening sentences we may add that in every
+age since the supremacy of the Church was first shaken by the invention
+of printing, the recovery of the Greek and Latin classics, and the
+revival of science, there has been a great deal of uneasy thought
+seething throughout this nation and every other nation in Christendom,
+and that age by age this seething has scalded more and more pitilessly
+the dogmas, the Scriptures, and the authority of the Church, whose
+Hebrew old clothes, as Carlyle fitly calls them, must soon be literally
+boiled to rags. We may also freely admit that the arrangements of
+Cathedral bodies do provide quiet places where men may follow a studious
+course; but we ask, how many of them really pursue it? How many of
+them cause their light to shine throughout the land? How many guide the
+thought of those who need guidance in this anxious age? Is it not as
+notorious as it is disgraceful to the Church, that, with few exceptions,
+the canons and other dignitaries make scarcely any contribution to the
+thought, or scholarship, or science of the age, in return for the large
+leisure and ample stipends with which they are endowed? These stalled
+canons may ruminate much, even like stalled oxen, but what nourishment
+do we get from the rumination of the former? Look through lists of
+standard works, of really important works, published during the last
+quarter of a century, and see how few of them, even in theology and
+kindred departments, have come from the “learned leasure” of our
+rich cathedrals.
+
+If there is one thing more closely connected than any other with true
+religion, that thing is money. Always the most spiritual exhortations
+and speculations end in very practical appeals to the pockets—of
+course the pockets of the laity. We are reminded what Paul Louis Courier
+said of the clergy in his day: “They have need of good examples and
+will find them amongst us. But if we are stronger than they as to the
+commandments of God, they in their turn have the advantage of us in
+respect to the commandments of the Church, which they remember better
+than we, and of which the principal is, I believe, to give all we have
+for heaven. ‘You ask me,’ said that worthy preacher Barlette, ‘how
+to get to Paradise? The bells of the convent tell you: Giving, giving,
+giving,’ The Latin of the monk is charming: “Vos quœritis a me,
+fratres carissimi, quomodo itur ad paradisupi? Hoc dicunt vobis campance
+monasterii, dando, dando, dando” Very early in his discourse does our
+Primate ring this favorite chime of all church bells, but with a noble
+disinterestedness, a magnanimous depreciation:—
+
+“We may think lightly of the vast sums of money which of late years
+have been poured into the treasury of the Established Church for the
+re-edification of our buildings; we may think lightly even of the vast
+sums which have been contributed by the members of our Church for the
+instruction of our poorer brethren, thinking that, after all, it is not
+the silver and the gold, but the precious doctrine of the Lord Jesus
+Christ, and the purity and holiness which attend the true profession of
+that doctrine on which we have to rest our claims. But still even the
+outward signs of the influence which God has given us are not to be
+despised.”
+
+“We may think lightly of the vast sums of money!” we, the archbishop
+with £15,000 a year and a palace rent-free, and the members of the
+Cathedral body of Canterbury each with our several hundreds a year
+and our snug residences! Very lightly, no doubt! But “still even the
+outward signs of the influence which God has given us are not to be
+despised.” How unworldly, how humble, is our right reverend father in
+God; it is a pity that his voice here has such a twang of Pecksniff and
+Uriah Heap. I really believe that he is too much of a gentleman to speak
+in this tone with his natural voice; it is that fatal falsetto of the
+pulpit. Well, in sober truth, these Churchmen had better not despise
+the outward signs of their influence, for there is an abundant lack of
+inward ones. And discreetly do they boast of the re-edification of their
+buildings, for edification or re-edification of their congregations,
+alas, there is little or none whereof to boast. Having rang this
+preliminary diffident chime of Dando dando, dando, the Archbishop revels
+in riotous peals to the same words before concluding:—
+
+“Depend upon it a country that produces in a short time £30,000,000
+[sic in *Times; Daily News*, ‘three millions’] to restore the
+outward fabric of our churches, will not fail to respond to any
+appeal when made for the funds which may be wanted to assist those who
+otherwise cannot provide themselves with a due education that they may
+be fitted for the ministry. Another matter which I think presses upon
+us is this. Is it not desirable something should be done to provide the
+means of passing their last days in comfort, for those worn out in the
+service of Christ? Here again I feel confident that an appeal to the
+wealthy of this country would be answered at once if those who have
+the leisure—none more fit than the dignitaries of our cathedral
+churches—were to take up this question, and to our existing charities
+might well be added some means of supplementing the resources and
+meeting the wants of the poorer clergy. I visited yesterday the Clergy
+Orphan School. I was informed that that school was perfectly full—more
+full than it had ever been before—and still there were twice as many
+applicants for admission as there were places to admit them to. Does not
+this show it is very desirable we should all of us direct our efforts to
+see that the charity of our fellow-Churchmen should be appealed to, to
+assist in the education of the orphan children of our clergy, and not
+only the orphan children?”
+
+Our fellow Christians, the laymen, having laid for us three million
+golden eggs in a short time (the lavish geese!) will not fail to give us
+more to educate young men for the ministry; and more yet to pension our
+worn-out clergy; and more yet again to educate the children, orphan and
+not orphan, of our clergy. We archbishop and bishops, dean and chapter,
+are so poor, so poor, so very very poor, that we can do nothing at all
+for any of these miserable clerical critters; the whole revenues of
+our State Church are so insignificant that they are quite inadequate
+to provide decently for its ministers! But we know well that our dear,
+good, stupid, unedified lay brethren and sisters will give all the
+out-door relief we have the impudence to ask; will educate our young and
+pension our old; marching ever briskly heavenwards to that cheerfulest
+church chime: Giving, giving, giving; Dando, dando, dando! Does not our
+Archbishop rival or outrival that worthy preaching monk, Barlette?
+Here I must pause, but shall have to return again to the Charge, which
+threatens to be a heavy charge indeed to the purses of the richer and
+more foolish members of our impoverished State Church.
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+SPIRITISM IN THE POLICE COURT
+=============================
+
+(1876.)
+
+.. dropcap:: W We
+
+We have just had a couple of professional “mediums” in the police
+courts, and it is to be heartily hoped that all their colleagues of any
+notoriety will soon be submitted to the same searching test, and duly
+rewarded according to their merits. At Huddersfield the Rev. Francis
+Ward Monck, formerly a minister at Bristol, was cleverly caught out by
+Mr. Lodge, a woollen merchant and amateur conjurer, who at the close
+of a private seance offered to do all the “Doctor” had done, and
+insisted on seeing his “paraphernalia.” The Doctor protested with
+profuse virtuous indignation, but his detecter was firm. At length this
+reverend medium took refuge in his own bedroom and locked himself in,
+and while the profane sceptics were besieging the door he managed to
+escape from the window by the help of a sheet. In his sore haste he left
+behind him some of the “paraphernalia,” whose existence he had so
+indignantly denied, including “spirit hands” and prepared musical
+boxes. He took out a warrant against Mr. Lodge for the recovery of these
+precious articles, and was met by a counter-warrant issued by the
+chief constable under the Vagrant Act, for using subtle craft means and
+devices to deceive and impose on certain of her Majesty’s subjects;
+he being charged with thus defrauding one person of £20, while Mr.
+Heppleston, a general dealer, in whose house the exposure took place,
+had paid him £4 for two séances, the prisoner assuring him that the
+manifestations were genuine, and were produced by spiritual agency.
+The prisoner’s solicitor said that the Vagrant Act did not apply to a
+gentleman in the position of Dr. Monck, who kept his carriage and yacht
+at Bristol. We may admit that the application of the Vagrant Act is an
+awkward and round-about mode of dealing with such cases, and the sooner
+Parliament in its great wisdom provides a more direct and effectual
+remedy, the better; nor could a stronger argument for its provisions be
+adduced than the fact, if fact it be, that this reverend medium by the
+illicit production of spirits very much below proof, has been getting
+money enough to keep a carriage and yacht. When the Huddersfield
+magistrates remanded him for a week at the request of the chief
+constable, offering to accept bail, himself in £250, and two sureties
+in £100 each, the bail was not forthcoming; and the prisoner made a
+high-minded and pathetic appeal to the bench, “asking them not to make
+him suffer the indignity of incarceration in the police-cells; he said
+he had forsaken everything to follow this calling, believing in his
+inmost soul that it was right.” So far as I can see, a convicted
+burglar or manufacturer of counterfeit coin, might with as good reason
+make just such an appeal; pleading pathetically that he had forsaken
+everything to follow this calling, affirming nobly that he believed
+in his inmost soul that it was right; while as to the jemmy and the
+skeleton keys, or the moulds and the battery, which had been seized in
+his possession, they were manifestly for purely scientific experimental
+investigations—exactly as were the spirit-hands affixed to wires and
+the musical boxes of the Rev. “Doctor” Monck.
+
+The London case of “Doctor” Slade, is too well known to require
+being detailed here. As his fee was a sovereign, well-off people having
+much time to kill with any excitement, and empty heads to fill with
+any nonsense (much the same sort of silly people as those for whom some
+West-end High Church is the half-way house to the Pro-Cathedral), must
+have been his most numerous visitors. Thus Society with a capital S took
+great interest in him, and our penny daily press, always ready to pander
+to Society, and to the snobbery of its readers who are not in Society
+but ever on their knees worshipping it—our penny daily press furnished
+full reports of the proceedings. Mr. Flowers, the magistrate at Bow
+Street Police Court gave a written judgment on the case, sentencing
+the “Doctor” to three months’ imprisonment with hard labor in the
+House of Correction; which sentence to the credit of our common sense,
+sadly discredited by much that came out on the trial, was received with
+some applause, and Mr. Lewis the prosecuting solicitor was cheered by a
+large crowd on leaving the court. Of course, there being money to back
+the “medium,” notice of appeal was given, and bail accepted—the
+defendant in £200, and two sureties of £100 each.
+
+In the course of the defence there was read from the *Spiritualist* an
+account of a sitting with Slade by Mr. Serjeant Cox, who, as Mr. Flowers
+observed, would, if an appeal were raised, be one of the judges of that
+appeal. The said account, after relating various wonders, concludes
+thus: “I offer no opinion on the causes of the phenomena, for I have
+formed none. If they be genuine, it is impossible to exaggerate their
+interest and importance. If they be an imposture it is equally important
+that the trick should be exposed in the only way in which trickery can
+be explained—by doing the same thing, and showing how it is done.”
+Now this, at any rate, seems to show judicial fairness if not judicial
+sagacity; and is beyond blame, as having been written before the learned
+Serjeant (unless warned by the spirits) could have had any expectation
+of being called upon to deliver a legal judgment on the matter. But
+after Mr. Flowers had passed sentence, and the appeal had been raised,
+this same Serjeant Cox, having become a prospective judge of the case,
+opened the third session of the Psychological Society of Great Britain,
+whereof he is president, and which, under such a president, will
+doubtless do a vast deal for the science of psychology. According to the
+report of the *Standard* of Friday the 3rd inst., much of the address of
+this admirable judge and philosophical president “was an indictment
+of materialist scientists for their attitude towards psycho-logy, and on
+this point he said the most important event of the year in relation to
+psychology had been the recent prosecution. Of the true motive for that
+proceeding there could be no doubt. The pretence of public interests
+was transparent.” To a mere layman the words of this judicial Serjeant
+read very much like a reckless libel. Perhaps only a lawyer can properly
+appreciate them. “The object really sought was plain enough. It was
+not to punish Dr. Slade, but to discredit through him all psychological
+phenomena, the proof of whose existence was destruction to the doctrines
+of materialism.... Whether Dr. Slade was or was not guilty, the trial
+had had the unlooked-for effect [!] of directing the attention of the
+whole public to the fact that phenomena were asserted to exist... which
+swept away now and for ever *the dark and debasing doctrines of the
+materialists*.” After which, according to the same report, a Mr.
+Dunlop, with admirable gravity, whether sincere or ironical, expressed
+a high opinion of the judicial mind of the president! and said that he
+felt sure that if the appeal in the Slade case came before Mr. Serjeant
+Cox, he would give as dispassionate a decision as if he had had
+no previous knowledge of the circumstances!! For myself, as a mere
+unlearned layman, I can only ask in astonishment, Is this Serjeant Cox,
+with his indecent partizanship and wild personal imputations, fit to sit
+in judgment—I will not say on this Slade business—but on any case at
+all which requires impartiality and discretion?
+
+“The dark and debasing doctrines of the materialists”! Can anything
+be darker and more debasing in a so-called civilised time and country
+than this Spiritism has proved itself from the beginning until bow? I
+have yet to learn that the whole of its world of spirits, now for
+many years at the beck and call of countless mediums, professional and
+private, has ever dictated or written a single great sentence, revealed
+a single great truth—discovered a single important fact. Nothing
+but the dreamiest drivel, or delirium, the most wretched and imbecile
+juggling tricks, with all sorts of evasions, and deceptions and lies!
+Mr. Wallace himself, one of the few good men it has got hold of by some
+weak place in their minds, in his evidence for Slade said “that he
+attached no importance to the subject-matter of a message, but only to
+its being written intelligibly, the subject-matter seldom being of any
+value.” And for seldom he might fairly have said never. The truth is
+the truth, whether dark or bright, debasing or ennobling; but if we are
+called upon to consider a theory in these aspects, what, I ask again,
+can be more dark and debasing than this, that we live after death to rap
+and turn tables, play villainous snatches on light musical instruments,
+write badly-spelt balderdash, dictate ungrammatical imbecilities or
+lies, grasp hands and jog knees—all for the profit of showmen and the
+hysterical wonder of fools? Who would not prefer annihilation to such
+a degraded and idiotic immortality? Shakespeare, Bacon, Byron, Shelley,
+and countless others who on earth were splendid geniuses, have been
+called from their spheres by knaves or dupes, for what?—to show
+themselves reduced to the hideous state of Swift’s Struldbrugs. The
+only famous character I have heard of, not intellectually degraded
+since death, was Bucephalus (see *Secularist*, number 40), who told
+the company that he still took great interest in literary pursuits,
+particularly in connection with education; Bucephalus, whose name
+doubtless suggested an ancient philosopher to the shrewd medium, having
+been the war-horse of Alexander the Great!
+
+We are compelled to accuse the religion which has been so long dominant
+among us, of fostering the state of mind which welcomes these miserable
+marvels instead of rejecting them with scorn. The Bible with its Witch
+of Endor, its recognition of witchcraft, its magicians, its angels
+releasing the Apostles, its doctrines of the supernatural, its abounding
+miracles, has saturated the people with superstitiousness, whose evil
+effects Science can but slowly counteract. And of those who have ceased
+to submit themselves to the Bible, the larger number are still infected
+with its non-natural spirit; having renounced one set of irrational
+marvels, they yearn more or less consciously for another to replace it.
+In this connection, the point on which Mr. Flower’s judgment turned is
+very significant, and its significance is increased by the approval of
+our most Christian press: “*I must decide according to the well-known
+course of nature.*” This is exactly what Science demands. Carry out
+honestly and thoroughly the application of this rule to the miracles
+of the Bible, from the speaking serpent, to the birth, resurrection and
+ascension of Jesus, and what sentence must be passed upon them? The Bow
+Street Magistrate has given us a really excellent, concise, practical
+maxim of rethought. When a Christian comes with his supernatural dogmas
+and non-natural occurrences, one has but to answer on the judicial
+authority of Mr. Flowers: “I must decide according to the well-known
+course of nature.”
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+A COMMISSION OF INQUIRY ON ROYALTY
+==================================
+
+(1876.)
+
+.. dropcap:: T The
+
+The subjects for our solemn consideration are the seclusion of her Most
+Gracious Majesty, and the complaints thereanent published in several
+respectable journals. In order to investigate the matter thoroughly, we
+constituted ourselves (the unknown number x) into a special Commission
+of Inquiry. We are happy to state that the said Commission has concluded
+its arduous labors, and now presents its report within a week of its
+appointment; surely the most prompt and rapid of commissions. The cause
+of this celerity we take to be the fact that the Commissioners were
+unsalaried; we being unanimously of opinion that had we received good
+pay for the inquiry throughout the period of our session, we could
+have prolonged it with certain benefit, if not to the public yet to
+ourselves, for a great number of years. If, therefore, you want a
+Commission to do its work rapidly vote no money for it. And do not fear
+that the most headlong haste in gathering evidence and composing the
+report will diminish the value of such report; for when a Commission has
+lasted for years or months it generally rises in a quite different state
+of the subject matter from that in which it first sat, and the report
+must be partly obsolete, partly a jumble of anachronisms. In brief, it
+may be fairly affirmed as a general rule that no Commission of Inquiry
+is of any value at all; the appointment of one being merely a dodge by
+which people who don’t want to act on what they and everybody else see
+quite well with their naked eyes, set a number of elderly gentlemen
+to pore upon it with spectacles and magnifying glasses until dazed and
+stupid with poring, in the hope that this process will last so long that
+ere it is finished the public will have forgotten the matter altogether.
+And now for the result of our inquiries on this subject, which is not
+only immensely important, but is even sacred to our loyal hearts.
+
+A West-end tradesman complains bitterly that through the absence of the
+Court from Buckingham Palace, and the diminished number and splendor of
+royal pomps and entertainments, the “Season” is for him a very poor
+season indeed. The Commissioners, find that the said tradesman (whose
+knowledge seems-limited to a knowledge of his business, supposing he
+knows that) is remarkably well off; and consider that West-end tradesmen
+have no valid vested interest in Royalty and the Civil List, that at the
+worst they do-a capital trade with the aristocracy and wealthy classes
+(taking good care that the punctual and honest shall amply overpay their
+losses by the unpunctual and dishonest); that if they are not satisfied
+with the West-end, they had better try the East-end, and see how
+that will suit them; and, in short, that this tradesman is not worth
+listening to.
+
+Numerous fashionable and noble people (principally ladies) complain that
+they have no Court to shine, in. The Commissioners think that they shine
+a great deal too much already, and in the most wasteful manner, gathered
+together by hundreds, light glittering on light; and that if they really
+want to shine beneficially in a court there are very many very dark
+courts in London where the light of their presence would be most
+welcome.
+
+It is complained on behalf of their Royal Highnesses the Prince and
+Princess of Wales that they have to perform many of the duties
+of royalty without getting a share of the royal allowance. The
+Commissioners think that if the necessary expenses of the heir to the
+throne are really too heavy for his modest, income, and are increased by
+the performance of royal duties, he had better send in yearly a bill to
+his Mamma for expenses incurred on her account, and a duplicate of the
+same to the Chancellor to the Exchequer; so that in every Budget the
+amount of the Civil List shall be equitably divided between her Majesty
+and her Majesty’s eldest son, doubtless to their common satisfaction.
+
+It is complained on behalf of various foreign royal or ruling personages
+that while they in their homes treat generously the visiting members of
+our royal family, they are treated very shabbily when visiting here. The
+Commissioners think that Buckingham Palace, being seldom or never wanted
+by the Queen, and very seldom wanted for the reception of the English
+Court, should be at all times open for such royal or ruling visitors;
+that a Lord Chamberlain, or other such noble domestic servant should be
+detailed to attend on them, and see to their hospitable treatment in
+all respects; and that to cover the expenditure on their account a fair
+deduction should be made from her Majesty’s share of the Civil List,
+which deduction, being equitable her Majesty would no doubt view with
+extreme pleasure.
+
+It is complained on the part of her Majesty’s. Ministers, that
+when they want the royal assent and signature to important Acts of
+Parliament, they have to lose a day or two and undergo great fatigue
+(which is peculiarly hard on men who are mostly aged, and all
+overworked) in travelling to and from Osborne or Balmoral. The
+Commissioners think the remedy plain and easy, as in the two preceding
+cases. Let a law be passed assuming that absence, like silence, gives,
+consent; so that whenever her Majesty is not in town, the Speaker of
+the Commons or the Lord Chancellor, or other great officer of State, be
+empowered to seal and sign in her name, and generally to perform any
+of her real and royal duties, on the formal demand of the Ministry, who
+always (and not the Queen) are responsible to Parliament and the country
+for all public acts.
+
+A taxpayer complains that for fourteen years her Majesty has been
+punctually drawing all moneys allotted to support the royal dignity,
+while studiously abstaining from all, or nearly all, the hospitalities
+and other expensive functions incident to the support of the said
+dignity. The Commissioners consider that her Majesty is perchance
+benefiting the country more (and may be well aware of the fact) by
+taking her money for doing nothing than if she did something for it;
+that if she didn’t take the said money, somebody else would (as for
+instance, were she to abdicate, the Prince of Wales, become King, would
+want and get at least as much); so that while our Government remains as
+it is, the complaint of the said taxpayer is foolish.
+
+Another Taxpayer, who must be a most mean-minded fellow, a stranger to
+all sacred sympathies and hallowed emotions, says: “If a washerwoman,
+being stupified by the death of her husband, neglected her business
+for more than a week or two, she would certainly lose her custom or
+employment, and not all the sanctity of conjugal grief (about which
+reverential journalists gush) would make people go on paying her for
+doing nothing; and if this washerwoman had money enough of her own to
+live on comfortably, people would call her shameless and miserly if
+she asked for or accepted payment while doing nothing; and if this
+washerwoman had a large family of boys and girls around her, and shut
+herself up to brood upon her husband’s death for even three or
+four months, people would reckon her mad with selfish misery. The
+Commissioners (as soon as they recover from the stupefaction of horror
+into which this blasphemy has thrown them) consider and reply that
+there can be no proper comparison of a Queen and a washerwoman, and that
+nobody would think of instituting one, except a brute, a Republican, an
+Atheist, a Communist, a, fiend in human form; that anyhow if, as this
+wretch says, a washerwoman would be paid for a week or two without
+working, in consideration of her conjugal affliction, it is plain that
+a Queen, who (it will be universally allowed) is at least a hundred
+thousand times as good as a washerwoman, is therefore entitled to at
+least a hundred thousand times the “week or two” of salary without
+performance of duty—that is, to at least 1,923 or 3,846 years, whereas
+this heartless and ribald reprobate himself only complains that our
+beloved Sovereign has done nothing for her wage throughout “fourteen
+years.” The Commissioners therefore eject this complainant with
+ineffable scorn; and only wish they knew his name and address, that they
+might denounce him for prosecution to the Attorney-General.
+
+A Malthusian (whatever kind of creature that may be) complains that her
+Majesty has set an example of uncontrolled fecundity to the nation and
+the royal family, which, besides being generally immoral, is likely, at
+the modest estimate of £6,000 per annum per royal baby, to lead to the
+utter ruin of the realm in a few generations. The Commissioners, after
+profound and prolonged consideration, can only remark that they do not
+understand the complaint any better than the name (which they do not
+understand at all) of the “Malthusian;” that they have always been
+led to believe that a large family is a great honor to a legitimately
+united man and woman; and that, finally, they beg to refer the
+Malthusian to the late Prince Consort.
+
+A devotedly loyal Royalist (who unfortunately does not give the name
+and address of his curator) complains that her Majesty, by doing nothing
+except receive her Civil List, is teaching the country that it can get
+on quite as well without a monarch as with one, and might therefore just
+as well, and indeed very much better, put the amount of the Civil List
+into its own pocket and call itself a Republic. The Commissioners
+remark that this person seems the most rational of the whole lot of
+complainants (most rational, not for his loyalty, but most rational
+as to the grounds of his complaint, from his own point of view; in
+accordance with the dictum, “A madman reasons rightly from wrong
+premises; a fool wrongly from right ones,”) and that his surmise is very
+probably correct—namely, that her Majesty is really a Republican in
+principle, but not liking (as is perfectly natural in her position)
+to publicly profess and advocate opinions so opposed to the worldly
+interests of all her friends and relatives, has been content to further
+these opinions practically for fourteen years past by her conduct,
+without saying a word on the subject. The Commissioners, however, find
+one serious objection to this surmise in the fact that if her Majesty
+is really a Republican at heart, she must wish to exclude the Prince
+of Wales from the Throne; while it seems to them that the intimate
+knowledge she must have of his wisdom and virtues (not to speak of her
+motherly affection) cannot but make her feel that no greater blessing
+could come to the nation after her death than his reigning over it.
+As this is the only complaint which the Commissioners find at once
+well-founded and not easy to remedy, they are happy to know that it is
+confined to the very insignificant class of persons who are “devotedly
+loyal Royalists.”
+
+The Commissioners thus feel themselves bound to report that all the
+complaints they have heard against our beloved and gracious Sovereign
+(except the one last cited, which is of no importance) are without
+foundation, or frivolous, or easily remedied, and that our beloved and
+gracious Sovereign (whom may Heaven long preserve!) could not do better
+than she is now doing, in doing nothing.
+
+But in order to obviate such complaints, which do much harm, whether ill
+or well founded, and which especially pain the delicate susceptibilities
+of all respectable men and women, the Commissioners have thought it
+their duty to draw up the following project of a Constitution, not to
+come into force until the death of our present beloved and gracious
+Sovereign (which may God, if so it please Him, long avert!), and to be
+modified in its details according to the best wisdom of our national
+House of Palaver.
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+Draft
+=====
+
+.. dropcap:: W Whereas
+
+Whereas it is treasonable to talk of dethroning a monarch, but there can
+be no disloyalty in preventing a person not yet a monarch from becoming
+one:
+
+And whereas it is considered by very many, and seems proved by the
+experience of the last ---- years that the country can do quite well
+without a monarch, and may therefore save the extra expense of monarchy:
+
+And whereas it is calculated that from the accession of George I.
+of blessed memory until the decease of the most beloved of Queens,
+Victoria, a period of upwards of a century and a half, the Royal Family
+of the House of Guelph have received full and fair payment in every
+respect for their generous and heroic conduct in coming to occupy the
+throne and other high places of this kingdom, and in saving us from the
+unconstitutional Stuarts:
+
+And whereas the said Stuarts may now be considered extinct, and thus no
+longer dangerous to this realm: And whereas the said Royal Family of the
+House of Guelph is so prolific that the nation cannot hope to support
+all the members thereof for a long period to come in a royal manner:
+
+And whereas the Dukes of this realm are accounted liberal and courteous
+gentlemen:
+
+And whereas the constitution of our country is so far Venetian that it
+cannot but be improved in harmony and consistency by being made more
+Venetian still:
+
+Be it enacted, etc., That the Throne now vacant through the
+ever-to-be-deplored death of her late most gracious Majesty shall
+remain vacant. That the mem-ers of what has been hitherto the Royal
+Family keep all the property they have accumulated, the nation resuming
+from them all grants of sinecures and other salaried appointments. That
+no member of the said Family be eligible for any public appointment
+whatever for at least one hundred years. That the Dukes in the order of
+their seniority shall act as Doges (with whatever title be considered
+the best) year and year about, under penalty of large fines in cases of
+refusal, save when such refusal is supported by clear proof of poverty
+(being revenue under a settled minimum), imbecility, brutality, or other
+serious disqualification. That no members of a ducal family within a
+certain degree of relationship to the head of the house be eligible for
+any public appointment whatever; the head of the house being eligible
+for the Dogeship only. That the duties of the Doge be simply to seal and
+sign Acts of Parliament, proclamations, etc., when requested to do so by
+the Ministry; and to exercise hospitality to royal or ruling and other
+representatives of foreign countries, as well as to distinguished
+natives. That a fair and even excessive allowance be made to the Doge
+for the expenses of his year of office. That the royal palaces be
+official residences of the Doge. That the Doge be free from all
+political responsibility as from all political power; but be responsible
+for performing liberally and courteously the duties of hospitality, so
+that Buckingham Palace shall not contrast painfully with the Mansion
+House. Etc., etc.
+
+God preserve the Doge!
+
+The Commission of Inquiry having thus triumphantly vindicated our
+beloved and gracious Sovereign against the cruel aspersions of people
+in general, and having moreover drafted a plan for obviating such
+aspersions against any British King or Queen in future, ends its Report,
+and dissolves itself, with humble thankfulness to God Almighty whose
+grace alone has empowered it to conclude its arduous labors so speedily,
+and with results so incalculably beneficial.
+
+P. S.—Since the above report was drawn up, that ardent English patriot
+and loyalist, Benjamin Disraeli, being by the grace of God and the late
+Earl of Derby Prime Minister of this realm, has proposed that Parliament
+shall enable her Most Gracious Majesty to assume the additional title of
+Empress of India, and Parliament has so far humbly assented. Being sore
+pressed by many cantankerous persons to give valid reasons for this
+change, he has given reasons many and weighty; such as the earnest
+desire of the princes and people of India, which desire has been so
+abundantly expressed that the expressions thereof cannot be produced
+lest they should overwhelm Parliament and destroy the balance of
+the world in general; then the imposing authority of “Whitaker’s
+Almanack,” a dissenting minister and a school-girl aged twelve: and
+lastly the necessity of such a title for scaring all the Russias from
+India. But I believe that in deference to the well-known modesty of her
+Most Gracious Majesty he has not produced the most cogent reason of all,
+which is that for her wonderful and continual goodness during the past
+fourteen years in abstaining from the active functions of royalty, thus
+not only doing no mischief but preparing us for a Republic de jure by
+habituating us to a Republic *de facto*, she merits a great reward; and
+that, as she has already more money than she knows what to do with, this
+reward of royal virtue can most fittingly be rendered by her grateful
+subjects promoting her to the rank of Empress. And it should be noted
+that whereas the old title of Queen has a certain strength and stability
+in the habitudes if not in the affections of the people, the new fangled
+title of Empress has no such support, so that in assuming it our beloved
+monarch is but working consistently and resolutely toward the great end
+of her reign, the speedy abolition of monarchy and establishment of a
+Republic.
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+A BIBLE LESSON ON MONARCHY
+==========================
+
+(1876.)
+
+.. dropcap:: T The
+
+The old theory of “The right divine of kings to govern wrong,” and
+the much-quoted text, “Fear God and honor the king,” seem to have
+impressed many good people with the notion that the Bible is in favor of
+monarchy. But “king” in the text plainly has the general meaning
+of “ruler,” and would be equally applicable to the President of a
+Republic. In Romans xiii. 1—3, we read: “Let every soul be subject
+unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers
+that be are ordained of God. Whosoever therefore resisteth the power,
+resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to
+themselves damnation. For rulers are not a terror to good works, but to
+the evil.” Without stopping to discuss the bold assertion in the last
+sentence, we may remark that the real teaching of this passage is
+that Christians ought to be indifferent to politics, quietly accepting
+whatever government they find in power; for if the powers that be are
+ordained of God, or in other words, if might is right, all forms of
+government are equally entitled to obedience so long as they actually
+exist. Of course Christians are not now, and for the most part have not
+been for centuries, really indifferent to politics, because for the most
+part they now are and long have been Christians only in name; but it
+is easy to understand from the New Testament itself why the first
+Christians naturally were thus indifferent, and why Christianity has
+never afforded any political inspiration. Nothing can be clearer to one
+who reads the New Testament honestly and without prejudice than the fact
+that Christ and his apostles believed that the end of the world was
+at hand. Thus in Matt, xxiv., Jesus after foretelling the coming to
+judgment of the son of man in the clouds of heaven with power and great
+glory, when the angels shall gather the elect from the four winds, adds,
+v. 34, “Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till
+all these things be fulfilled.” This is repeated in almost the
+same words in Mark xiii., and Luke xxi., and a careful reading of the
+Epistles shows that their writers were profoundly influenced by this
+prophecy. But with the world coming to an end so soon, it would be as
+absurd to take any interest in its politics as for a traveller stopping
+two or three days in an inn to concern himself self with schemes for
+rebuilding it, when about to leave for a far country where he intends
+settling for life. If therefore we want any political guidance from the
+Holy Scriptures, we must go to the Old Testament, not to the New.
+
+Now the first lesson on Monarchy, which we remember made us think even
+in childhood, is the fable of the trees electing a king, told by Jotham,
+the son of Gideon, in Judges ix. The trees in the process of this
+election showed a judgment much superior to that which men usually show
+in such a business. It is true that they did not select first the most
+strong and stalwart of trees, the cedar or the oak, but they had the
+good sense to choose the most sweet-natured and bountiful, the olive,
+then the fig, then the vine. But the bountiful trees thus chosen had
+good sense too, and would not forsake the fatness and the sweetness and
+the wine which cheereth God and man, to rule over their fellow trees.
+Then the poor trees, like a jilted girl who marries in spleen the first
+scamp she comes across, asked the bramble to be their king; and that
+barren good-for-nothing of course accepted eagerly the crown which the
+noble and generous had refused, and called upon the trees to put their
+trust in its scraggy shadow, “and if not, let fire come out of the
+bramble, and devour the cedars of Lebanon.” Young as we were when this
+fable first caught our attention, we mused a good deal over it, and
+even then began to learn that those most eager for supremacy, the most
+forward candidates in elections, are nearly always brambles, not olives
+or fig-trees or vines; and that the first thought of a bramble, when
+made ruler over its betters, is naturally to destroy with fire the
+cedars of Lebanon.
+
+But God himself in the case of the Israelites has vouchsafed to us
+a very clear judgment on the question of Monarchy. In the remarkable
+constitution for that people which he gave to Moses, he did not include
+a king, and Israel remained without a king for more years than it is
+worth while endeavoring to count here. We read, 1 Samuel viii., how
+“All the elders of Israel gathered themselves together, and came to
+Samuel unto Hamah, and said unto him, Behold thou art old, and thy
+sons walk not in thy ways: now make us a king to judge us like all the
+nations. But the thing displeased Samuel, when they said, Give us a king
+to judge us. And Samuel prayed unto the Lord. And the Lord said unto
+Samuel, Hearken unto the voice of the people in all that they say unto
+thee: for they have not rejected thee, but they have rejected me, that I
+should not reign over them.
+
+“... Now therefore hearken unto their voice: how-beit yet protest
+solemnly unto them, and show them the manner of the king that shall
+reign over them.” Some students of the Bible may have thought that
+God’s severe condemnation of the Israelites for wanting a king arose
+chiefly from wounded pride, from the fact that they had rejected him,
+and we cannot affirm that this feeling did not inflame his anger, for
+he himself has said that he is a jealous God; but the protest which
+he orders Samuel to make, and the exposition of the common evils of
+kingship, prove clearly that God did not (and therefore, of course,
+does not) approve this form of government. And, indeed, it is plain that
+if he had approved it, he would have given it to his chosen people at
+first. For although divines have termed the form of government under
+which the Jews lived before the kings a theocracy, God did not then rule
+immediately, but always through the medium of a high-priest or judge,
+and could have governed through the medium of a king had he thought
+it well so to do. And he who reads the history of the Jews under
+the Judges, as contained in the Book of Judges, and especially the
+narratives in chapters xvii. to xxi. which illustrate the condition of
+Jewish society in those days when “there was no king in Israel: every
+man did that which was right in his own eyes,” will see that God must
+have thought a Monarchy very vile and odious indeed when he was angry
+at the request for it, and implied that it was actually worse than that
+government by Judges alternated with bondage under neighboring tribes
+which the theologians call a theocracy. Samuel warned the people of what
+a king would do, and doubtless thought he was warning them of the worst,
+but kings have far outstripped all that the prophet could foresee. The
+king, he said, will take your sons to be his warriors and servants; and
+will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and cooks, and bakers.
+This was the truth, and nothing but the truth, but it was not the whole
+truth; for the sons have been taken to be far worse than mere warriors
+and servants, and the daughters for much viler purposes than cooking
+and baking. Samuel goes on: “And he will take your fields, and your
+vineyards, and your oliveyards, even the best of them, and give them to
+his servants”—when he does not keep them for himself might have
+been added. “And he will take the tenth of your seed, and of your
+vineyards, and give to his officers, and to his servants.” Surely much
+more than a tenth, O Samuel! We will not quote the remainder of this
+wise warning. Like most wise warnings it was ineffectual; the foolish
+people insisted on having a king, and in the following chapters we read
+how Saul the Son of Kish, going forth to seek his father’s asses,
+found his own subjects.
+
+The condemnation of Monarchy by God, as we read it in this instance,
+is so thorough and general that we feel bound to add a few words on an
+exceptional case in which a king is highly extolled in the Scriptures,
+without any actions being recorded of him, as in the instances of
+David and Solomon, to nullify the praise. The king in question was
+Melchizedek, King of Salem, and priest of the most high God, who met
+Abram returning from the defeat of the four kings and blessed him, and
+to whom Abram gave tithes of all, as we read in Genesis xiv. But this
+short notice of Melchizedek in Genesis does not by any means suggest to
+us the full wonderfulness of his character, though we naturally conclude
+from it that he was indeed an important personage to whom Abram gave
+tithes of all. The New Testament, however, comes to our aid, and for
+once gives us a most valuable political lesson, though the inspired
+writer was far from thinking of political instruction when he wrote the
+passage. In Hebrews vi., 20, and vii., 1 to 3, we read: “Jesus,
+made an High Priest for ever after the order of Melchisedec. For this
+Melchisedec, King of Salem, priest of the most high God, who met Abraham
+returning from the slaughter of the kings, and blessed him; to whom also
+Abraham gave a tenth part of all; first being by interpretation King
+of righteousness, and after that also King of Salem, which is King of
+peace; without father, without mother, without descent, having neither
+beginning of days nor end of life; but made like unto the Son of God;
+abideth a priest continually.” Now he to whom Jesus is compared, and
+who is like the Son of God, is clearly the noblest of characters; and
+therefore, as the history in the first book of Samuel teaches us that
+Monarchy is generally to be avoided, these fine verses from the Epistle
+to the Hebrews delineate for us the exceptional king whose reign is to
+be desired.
+
+The delineation is quite masterly, for a few lines give us
+characteristics which cannot be overlooked or mistaken. This model
+monarch must be a priest of the most high God—a king of righteousness
+and king of peace; without father, without mother, without descent,
+having neither beginning of days nor end of life; but made like unto the
+Son of God. Whenever and wherever such a gentleman is met with, we would
+advise even the most zealous Republicans to put him forthwith upon the
+throne. But in the absence of such a gentleman we can hardly do wrong if
+we follow the good advice of Samuel dictated by God Almighty, and manage
+without any Monarch.
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+PRINCIPAL TULLOCH ON PERSONAL IMMORTALITY
+=========================================
+
+[two excerpts.]
+
+(1877.)
+
+.. dropcap:: D Dr. Tulloch
+
+Dr. Tulloch has the sense to perceive and the candor to acknowledge that
+even to those who have not any faith in God or Immortality, death
+need not be terrible, and often is not; that they may be resigned or
+peaceful, and meet the inevitable with a calm front; that they may be
+even glad to be done with the struggle of existence. Of course this is
+no news to us who have stood at the bedside of dying Materialists and
+Atheists, or are familiar with trustworthy well-authenticated accounts
+of the last hours of such persons. Still it is encouraging to find a
+distinguished and influential minister openly recognising the facts,
+instead of distorting them with the old contemptible pious fictions,
+again and again repeated after being again and again refuted. But Dr.
+Tulloch considers that only the light of the higher life in Christ can
+glorify death. It would have been well had he been more specific as
+to this higher life and the glory it casts on death. If they are as
+described at length in the only authoritative Christian Scripture on
+the subject, the Book of Revelation, it seems to me that the life is
+anything but high, and radiates anything but glory. However, tastes
+differ, and man is a queer fellow; and there may actually exist many
+people who would prefer to annihilation a sort of everlasting Moody
+and Sankey meeting, and would even regard this as celestial beatitude.
+Concerning such I will only say with Goethe, I hope I shan’t go to
+heaven with that lot! Yet these are not quite the lowest of the low in
+our civilised Christendom; or are there not many who look forward with
+complacency and even enthusiasm to a life beyond death, wherein they
+shall be largely employed in rapping tables, jogging arms and scrawling
+illiterate nonsense? Dr. Tulloch, in quoting St. Paul, seems to forget
+that he was writing of himself and his fellow Christians, to whom his
+words were thoroughly applicable; not of mankind in general, to whom
+they were not, and by the construction of the sentence could not be.
+“If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men the
+most miserable;” we, the Christians. And why would they be of all men
+the most miserable? Clearly because, in obedience to the injunctions
+of their Master, they had cut themselves off from this world that they
+might secure the next; had renounced wealth, honor, society, enjoyment,
+all interest in art, science, literature, all political and national
+aspirations, and had courted obloquy and persecution; so that if the
+next life should turn out to be a mockery, a delusion and a snare, they
+were of all men the most miserable, being the most miserably deluded.
+Those poor simple early Christians (on the showing, true or false, of
+the books all Christians revere as sacred and divine), having only Jesus
+and his apostles to instruct them, had not reached that lofty mercantile
+wisdom which made the late Mr. Binney one of the most popular preachers
+in our pious and mercantile country, when he solved the problem of *How
+to Make the Best of Both Worlds*. Of other-worldliness they indeed
+had enough and to spare; but they lacked the large modern grasp which
+combines and intermingles it with an equal measure of this worldliness.
+“They didn’t know everything down in Judee;” and St. Paul, though
+fairly intelligent and cultivated for his benighted time, was in a
+deplorable need of some lessons from Weigh-house Chapel.
+
+When the worthy Principal says that men cannot find strength or comfort
+in what has been called the Religion of Humanity, and that they crave a
+personal life, is he aware that he has descended from the highlands
+of morality and truth to the lowest lowlands of Paley and Binney
+expediency? Is he aware that he is moreover begging the question, making
+the monstrous assumption that men must get what they crave? I call this
+the childish lollipop attraction of religion, so absurd as to be really
+beneath the contempt of full-grown men and women. Just as young ones
+would look forward to having the free range as long as they liked (which
+they would interpret for ever and ever) of shops full of sweeties, so
+those big babies, our dear simple Christian brethren, look forward to
+their Lubberland of eternal bliss, in singing Glory! Glory! Glory! Their
+claim to it is purely the infant’s, because they would like it. Their
+mouths water, they lick their lips, they gurgle luxuriously with the
+foretaste: “Oh, we shall be so ’ap-’ap-’appy! Canaan is a happy
+place; we’ll go to the land of Canaan!” And usually these beatific
+adult babies are creatures such as an intelligent man would be ashamed
+to bring into the world, much more a God. You can’t endure an hour of
+their society here, and they pester you to come and spend eternity with
+them! I am really sorry to find Dr. Tulloch in such company.
+
+In conclusion, I ask the reader to note especially the preacher’s
+avowal that his faith in personal immortality has no warrant from
+Nature, no warrant from Science; nay, more, that the suggestions of
+scientific analysis “mockingly sift the sources of life only to hint
+our mortality.” There is indeed no temper of mockery in Science, but
+its soberest deductions may well seem to mock with a terrible derision
+the inordinate greed and self-conceit of men, who, because they profess
+an unscientific and unnatural faith, have lost all sense of proportion
+between their infinitesimal selves and the infinite Universe.
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+THE ESTABLISHED CHURCH
+======================
+
+Its Real As Distinguished From Its Apparent Strength
+
+(1862.)
+
+.. dropcap:: I In
+
+In discussions with “Infidels,” Churchmen are very ready with
+the taunt, “You are but a handful of’ fanatics. Nearly the whole
+intellect of the nation is for us and against you.” In general the
+taunt is merely parried by a “What matter, if *we* are right?”
+whereas it should also be retorted by a counter-thrust of denial. For,
+in truth, but a very small part of the intellect of the nation—*i.e.*,
+intellect in the only sense in which it is of importance—*active*
+intellect, is devoted to the Establishment or even to the Establishment
+and the so-called Dissenters combined. If they only are the true
+soldiers of the Church militant whom she spiritually feeds and equips
+for the warfare of life, and who are loyal to her with their whole heart
+and mind, how many legions must be deducted from the armies gathered
+round her banners before we can fairly estimate her actual power in
+the field! Should Jesus come to eliminate his true followers from the
+multitudes of professing Christians, as Gideon selected his, three
+hundred from the two and thirty thousand Israelites, let us consider
+whom he would reject.
+
+*First*, all the cowards and hypocrites who simply cling to what appears
+the dominant party, and who would therefore call themselves Atheists
+were Atheism in the ascendant; a vile brood, the incumbrance and
+disgrace of every cause they adopt; “hateful to God and to the enemies
+of God”; of whom even to write is not pleasant.
+
+*Secondly*, the indifferent through lack of vitality; men of tepid heart
+and inert brain, who are incapable of any strong sane affection. I use
+the word *sane* because these creatures have intense self-love, which
+in its essence is insane; and because also they may be frenzied by the
+drunkenness of fanaticism, in which state they can die as devotedly as
+they can murder atrociously. The adhesion of these also I count no gain
+to any cause.
+
+*Thirdly*, the indifferent through excess of vitality, including the
+most eminent “practical” men, soldiers, sailors, lawyers, engineers,
+statesmen. These, applying their whole energies to their several
+professions, rarely trouble themselves with theological any more than
+with other extraneous matters, but passively acquiesce in whatever creed
+may be prevalent around them. Their real church is the world; their real
+worship is labor; and they no more add to the strength of their
+nominal church than did the *savants* to that of Napoleon’s army in
+Egypt—those *savants* whom the wise Napoleon always ordered (with the
+donkeys) to the centre whenever an attack was expected. To these must
+be added all the men whom we call fine animals, who enjoy such a
+red-blooded life in this world that they are not subject to bilious
+forebodings of another. Some classes of the most famous men—the poets,
+philosophers, doctors, physicists, mathematicians—are commanded by
+their very vocations to think seriously on some of the great theological
+questions, and therefore, whether ranged for or against the Church,
+count for something. The reader must ask his memory whether their weight
+in the balance has preponderated for orthodoxy or for heterodoxy. The
+statesmen I have counted among the indifferent, because their support
+of religion, in whatever form, has been almost universally no more than
+political.
+
+*Fourthly*, the supersubtle, including laymen and divines of first-rate
+talent; who cannot help delighting in the exercise of their skill of
+fence, and who instinctively feel that it is much harder to champion
+any existing institution than to attack it, and naturally (like all
+unconquerable knights-errant) prefer the most difficult *devoir*. Their
+adhesion to the Church, therefore, though seeming to strengthen it,
+really proclaims its weakness. Macaulay tells us how Halifax, the
+Trimmer, always joined the losing side.
+
+*Fifthly*, the supremely reverential, including the very best of the
+laymen and divines; men whose lofty reason is drowned in a yet deeper
+faith, as mountain-peaks high as the highest in air are said to be
+submerged in the abysses of the Atlantic. In many cases these might be
+ranked in the preceding class; for it is a general rule that the more
+reverence, the more subtlety. They see—how clearly!—the flaws and
+imperfections of their Church, they even realise the danger of its total
+fall; but they cannot tear themselves away from the venerable building
+wherein all their forefathers worshipped, in whose consecrated precincts
+all their forefathers were buried in hopes of a happy resurrection;
+whose chants were the rapturous music and whose windows were the
+heavenly glories of their pure childhood; whose prayers they repeated
+night after night and morning after morning at their mother’s knee.
+Can they leave this, with all its treasured holiness of antiquity for
+some new bold glaring erection, wherein men certainly congregate ta
+talk about God, but which might just as well be used as a warehouse or a
+manufactory? No; rather than leave it they will believe, they will force
+themselves to believe, that some miraculous renovation is at hand, or
+that (as the structure was certainly raised by God) God will uphold
+it in spite of the law of gravitation. These are the men who keep the
+Church from falling into insignificance, but they are not essentially
+hers. It is not she alone whom they could thus worship. Had they been
+brought up idolators, idolatry must have retained almost the same
+influence over spirits so reverentially humble, so loving and pure.
+
+And here it may be remarked that one can scarcely conceive a Church so
+frail and gloomy and even vile, but that a fervent soul and a strong
+intellect could fortify it with argument, adorn it with the gold and
+jewels of imagination, illustrate its dark altars and vivify its dead
+idols with the burning fire of spirituality, until it should be far more
+noble and mighty and splendid than ever was aspired to by the majority
+of men. But mark, such men as these of whom I speak do not derive their
+religiousness from, but really bestow it upon the Church in which they
+pray. She is subject and indebted to them, not they to her. She does not
+nourish them, they nourish her. She is the statue, they are Pygmalion.
+And they are indeed idolators, for they worship a creation of their own
+souls. Perhaps Pygmalion himself fell down and adored his flushed and
+breathing statue, thinking her, with artist-reverence, nothing less than
+a transformation of Venus Urania. When one thinks of certain noble men
+and women—as Maurice and Kingsley, Ruskin and the Browning—devoting
+themselves in spite of themselves to an effete faith, one is sadly
+reminded of poor Abishag the Shunammite wasting and withering her
+healthful youth to cherish old worn-out David, “who knew her
+not,” who could fill her with no new life, and who was, despite her
+cherishing, so certainly near death. He had been a great king in his
+time, but now his time was past, and as it was now the maiden’s
+spring-time, he should have left her to live her proper life.
+
+But when all these are separated from the host, who are left to whom we
+may point in answer to Emerson’s question, “In Christendom, where
+is the Christian?” Strictly speaking there has never been but one
+Christian—the man Christ Jesus. But I would give the title to those
+who thoroughly believe the Bible after having investigated it to the
+best of their power, who find its doctrines completely satisfy them, and
+who sincerely endeavor to act up to those doctrines. How many of such
+are there? I have known perhaps half a dozen. Has any reader known many
+more? Will any one dare assert that they are more numerous in England
+than the equally sincere Secularists or Atheists? I scarcely think any
+honest and thoughtful person will.
+
+
+FINIS.
+
+
+.. clearpage::
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+----------------------
+
+.. pgfooter::
+