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diff --git a/38794-8.txt b/38794-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..31b678a --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2467 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, +March 4th 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, March 4th 1914 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: February 9, 2012 [EBook #38794] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + * * * * * + + Punch, or the London Charivari + + Volume 146, March 4th 1914 + + _edited by Owen Seaman_ + + * * * * * + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +According to _The Globe_ Mr. YEO, in returning thanks after the Poplar +election, shouted to a female interrupter; "Shut up, you silly +cat, shut up!" To this, we understand, the cat retorted generously, +"My-Yeo!" + + * * * + +The GABY DESLYS' tradition? Miss LOTTIE VENNE is appearing at the +Criterion in a _Pair of Silk Stockings_, and Miss MARY MOORE is +touring the provinces in _Mrs. Gorringe's Necklace_. + + * * * + +The KAISER has forbidden the production at Herr REINHARDT'S Deutches +Theater of a play called _Ferdinand, Prince of Prussia_, on the ground +that one of the characters is a member of the Prussian Royal Family. +We ourselves should never have dared to hint that this fact renders +the play unfit for the public. + + * * * + +Cheery notice on the window of an insurance office in New Broad +Street, E.C.:-- + + "GUARANTEES, + SICKNESS + COMBINED + WITH ACCIDENT." + + * * * + +Dr. DURHAM lectured last week on Explosives as an aid to Gardening; +but many persons think that the quiet man who does not lose his temper +gets better results. + + * * * + +Burglars, last week, broke into a synagogue at Newcastle-on-Tyne and +removed practically all the articles of value, including a silver cup +and a pointer. Surprise is expressed in some quarters that the pointer +should not have given the alarm by barking. + + * * * + +Living artists sometimes complain that it is only the Old Masters who +are appreciated nowadays. Authors would seem to be more fortunate. +Take the following paragraph from _The Bedford Express_:--"On Sunday +the well-known elocutionist, Mr. FREDERICK DUXBURY, visited Stevenage. +He preached morning and evening at the Wesleyan Church, and in the +afternoon he gave a sacred recital. His principal item on Sunday +afternoon was Coulson Kernahan's 'God and the Ant,' but he included +one or two lesser pieces, including a chapter from the book of Job." + + * * * + +It was stated last week in the Marylebone Police Court that there is +a gang of thieves in London who do not hesitate to steal motor-cars +whenever they find them unattended in the street. These scoundrels are +crafty enough not to pick up the cars and put them under their arm, +for they realise that this might attract attention, but they just jump +in and drive off. + + * * * + +We are glad to note a renewed outcry against the unearthly noises made +by many motor-car hooters. If they must run over us, the least they +can do is to let us die in peace. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dad_ (_who has brought his son to the links for the +first time_). "IS IT A GOOD LIE, HAROLD?" + +_Harold_ (_unconsciously ranking himself with the Great_). "FATHER, I +CANNOT TELL A GOOD LIE."] + + * * * * * + +It seems a pity that so little is done to encourage the growing love +of art among the criminal classes. The Italian gentleman who guarded +"La Gioconda" so carefully has not been so much as thanked for his +pains, and now it is stated that six persons have been arrested in +Paris and Brussels for removing art objects from the admittedly unsafe +custody of museums. + + * * * + +Stout residents of Cornforth, Durham, having protested against the +narrowness of some of the gateways on the local paths, the parish +council has decided to widen them. It was found that this would be +more economical than to send these citizens to Marienbad to have their +bulk reduced. + + * * * + +Publishers are continually making finds, and Messrs. DUCKWORTH AND CO. +have been peculiarly fortunate. In their current list they announce +the publication of "Lost Diaries" and "The Lost Road." + + * * * + + "Sale of Votes by Women. + + Incidents in a Chicago Election." + + _Daily Express._ + +By a curious coincidence we have seen ladies selling _Votes for Women_ +in the streets of London. + + * * * + +Yet another example of the industry of the foreigner. A pamphlet +issued by the Lincolnshire Chick Farm informs us that "On the Cyphers' +Co. Poultry Plant, one flock of 400 White Leghorns shows an average +of 185.2 eggs per bird in 36.5 days." This, we need scarcely tell our +readers, works out at 5.06849315 eggs per bird per day. + + * * * * * + +Another Episcopal Scandal. + +"KING AND NEW BISHOPS. + + The King received at Buckingham Palace to-day the new Bishops + of Chelmsford and St. Edmundsbury and Ipswich. The Home + Secretary administered the oath. + +FOUND TO BE INSANE. + + Judgment was reserved." + + _Westminster Gazette._ + + * * * * * + + "Much the largest of all the woodpeckers in this country is the + great black woodpecker (_Picus martius_). This is a very rare + species, occurring only in the wilds of the wooded mountain areas. + It is about 18 miles in length." + + _Pekin and Tientsin Times._ + +As the crow flies. + + * * * * * + +England's far-reaching Influence. + + "RESULT OF THE POPLAR ELECTION. + + NO FOREIGNER SAFE IN MEXICO." + + "_Yorkshire Observer" Placard._ + + * * * * * + + "SIR WILLIAM RAMSAY'S POSER STARTLES AUDIENCE. + + Special Cable to the New York Times and Montreal Gazette. + + London, February 4.--Sir William Ramsay raised the question + whether the unfit should be left to die at the annual dinner + of the Institute of Sanitary Engineers to-night." + + _The Gazette (Montreal)._ + +There would, of course, be no difficulty about the "funeral bakéd +meats." + + * * * * * + +IN MEMORIAM. + +John Tenniel. + + BORN 1820. + DIED FEBRUARY 25TH, 1914. + + Now he whose gallant heart so lightly bore + So long the burden of the years' increase + Passes at length toward the silent shore, + From peace to deeper peace. + + And we, his honoured comrades, by whose side + His haunting spirit keeps its ancient spell, + We bring our tribute, woven of love and pride, + And say a last farewell. + + Yet not farewell; because eternal youth + Still crowns the craftsmanship where hand and eye + Saw and interpreted the soul of Truth, + Letting the rest go by. + + Thus for his pictured pageant, gay or grave, + He seized and fixed the moving hour's event, + Maker of history by the life he gave + To fact with fancy blent. + + So lives the Artist in the work he wrought; + Yet Nature dowered the Man with gifts more dear-- + A chivalrous true knight in deed and thought, + Without reproach or fear. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +THE PERFECT CONDUCTOR. + +"GOOD MORNING, Sir," he said, as I boarded a leviathan one day +last week. "What a beautiful morning, isn't it? What can I have the +pleasure of doing for you?" He daftly pulled half-a-dozen tickets from +his stock and permitted me to inspect them. + +"Fresh in this morning, Sir," he continued. "White, one penny; a great +many people prefer them because they go well with any colour. For the +blue ones we are asking twopence; they have only the same amount of +information but take you twice as far. Sweet shade, isn't it?" He +stepped back and held one up to the light for my benefit. + +"Well, I really only wanted a pennyworth, but I _must_ have one of +the blue ones--they _are_ attractive, as you say. I shall keep it in +memory of you." + +"Very good of you, Sir. You won't mind my making a little hole in +it? A mere matter of form; and the bell, which rings to announce the +conclusion of the operation, is, as you will notice, quite musical. A +sovereign? I shall be delighted to change it for you." He gave me the +correct change, bowed, and turned to answer a lady passenger. + +"Have we passed Sloane Street?" she had enquired. + +"We passed it at least five minutes ago, madam. Were you wishing to +alight there?" + +"I was," replied the lady; "but don't trouble--I can walk back." + +He was horrified at the thought. + +"Certainly not, my dear madam," he protested. Turning to the little +ventilator-window by which he could communicate with the driver, he +rapped. "William," he called, "a lady here desired to get down at +Sloane Street. Do you mind...?" + +"Charles," responded the driver, stopping the 'bus, "you know our one +ambition is to please the passengers who so trustfully commit themselves +to our charge. Mingle my regrets with yours, as representing the +Company, that we should have omitted clearly to intimate when we were in +the vicinity of Sloane Street. We will lose no time in correcting the +error." + +"William," said Charles, "it is only what I should have expected of +you. It is the least we can do." William turned the 'bus carefully +and ran quickly back, to the admiration of the other passengers, who +murmured unanimous approval of such graceful courtesy. + +"This," announced Charles, as we pulled up after a while, having +recovered the lost ground, "is South Kensington Station. We stay here +one full minute for the advantage of any person who wishes to visit +the neighbourhood; after which we shall proceed, if all goes well, +to Putney, taking with us perchance those who have business in that +direction." + +I prepared to alight, and Charles shook my hand warmly. + +"Speaking for William and myself, Sir, representing the Company," he +said with emotion, "we are indeed sorry to lose you. It would have +given us both great pleasure could your presence have graced the +remainder of the journey. Still, doubtless your private affairs compel +you to sever this so charming acquaintanceship, and on some future +occasion I trust we may again meet?" + +"I trust so, Charles," I answered. "Farewell." + +"_Au revoir_," said Charles, waving a hand. Sorrowfully I left him, +hearing as I departed his dulcet tones addressing the passers-by: "If +anyone would care to step on, we are going to...." + + * * * * * + +MANNERS FOR PARENTS. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Instead of writing all this nonsense about the +behaviour of boys at school, why doesn't someone write about the +behaviour of parents at school--at their son's school, I mean? That is +a subject which really requires ventilation, for the behaviour of most +parents at school is _positively mouldy_. + +Of course it's very nice for your people to come down and see you +and all that, but there's a good deal of anxiety about it which might +easily be avoided, and I have therefore written out a few simple RULES +FOR PARENTS AT SCHOOL which I hope you will publish. + +(I.) Do not greet your son upon your arrival with "Well, boysie," or +some such rotten expression as that. It's the sort of thing that it +may take him years to live down. + +(II.) Do not insist upon attaching the son of your old friend Smith +to the party. Old Smith may be all right, but young Smith may be in a +House you can't mix with, or something like that. + +(III.) Do not say to your son, of someone else's cap, "That's a pretty +cap; why don't you have one like it?" because it's probably either the +First XI. colours, or the cap of a House you wouldn't be seen dead in. + +(IV.) Do not tell the House Master how well your son played in the +boys' cricket match last summer holidays. Your son is probably a +perfect rabbit, and the master is certain to know it. + +(V.) Do not discuss such subjects as "The Public School and the +Development of Character" with the masters in your son's presence. +It's very unpleasant to have the development of your character +discussed. In fact it's hardly decent. + +(VI.) Do not treat a member of the XI. as if he were an ordinary +person; and-- + +(VII.) For Heaven's sake don't walk across Great Green. Only fellows +who have been in the XI. two seasons may do so, yet I've known parents +wander all over it before their sons could stop them, and only laugh +when told what they had done! + +Hoping you will publish this, as I think you ought to do, + + Yours truly, + CHUBB Minor. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NINE OLD MEN OF THE SEA. + +RAMSAY MACSINDBAD. "WELL, WELL, IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE. THERE MIGHT +HAVE BEEN TEN OF 'EM."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE NEW BLOOD FOR OLD ENGLAND. + +INTRIGUED BY THE ACTION OF THE GREAT EASTERN RAILWAY AUTHORITIES +IN IMPORTING A NEW MANAGER FROM THE STATES, THE GOVERNMENT, IT IS +RUMOURED, ARE ABOUT TO GO EVEN FURTHER AFIELD IN SEARCH OF PROMISING +TALENT FOR THE FRONT BENCH.] + + * * * * * + +MY HEROES. + +Every day of my life I am more and more impressed by the genius of two +men. These men are GUTENBERG and MORSE. GUTENBERG invented printing +and MORSE was more or less in at the birth of telegraphy. What should +we do without either? + +It is morning and I turn to the paper. It happens to be _The Daily +Graphic_. What do I find? I find GUTENBERG and MORSE once more in +collaboration. Thus:-- + +"MR. BALFOUR LOSES HIS WAY. + + CANNES, Monday. + + Mr. Balfour paid a visit yesterday in pouring rain to Mr. + Chamberlain at the Villa Victoria. Mr. Balfour lost his way, + and passing the house strolled along the Fréjus road, scanning + the name of every house until he found a chauffeur who + directed him to the Villa Victoria. Subsequently Mr. + Balfour returned to the Hotel Continental and motored out to + dinner.--Central News." + +What, privileges we enjoy, we moderns! Five hundred years ago, four +hundred, the world would have been in ignorance of any event of this +kind. Statesmen would have lost their way in foreign towns and no one +at home would have known. Think of the privation! But now, not only, +thanks to GUTENBERG, do we know it and think accordingly, but, thanks +to MORSE, we know it the next day and our thrills are not delayed. + +So much for the morning. + +It is a few minutes later--evening. Not really evening, because it is +before lunch, but evening enough for the Tenth Muse, bless her! I open +_The Evening News_ and what do I find? GUTENBERG alone; but how full +of matter! Thus:-- + + "SEVEN. + + The mystic number seven is curiously associated with the + baby daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Knight, of Old Swinford, + Worcestershire. + + She was born at the Seven Stars Hotel at the seventh hour of + the seventh day of the seventh month. + + There were seven customers in the bar when her birth was + announced, seven persons were present at the christening, and + there are seven letters in her Christian name. + + Her father is the eldest of seven children and her mother the + youngest of seven. She has seven uncles." + +There's for you! But of course this is not enough. The chronicler, +try as he might, is but a scamper after all. Not only were there seven +customers in the bar, but each had had seven drinks. Whiskey (there +are seven letters in whiskey, spelt my way) punch. Each had a slice of +lemon and there were seven pips in the lemon. Of the seven uncles +each had a watch, making seven watches, and a cigar case, making seven +cigar-cases. So it might go on for ever. + +Similarly the nine deported Labour leaders arrived in the Thames nine +minutes after somebody else and nine minutes before somebody else. +The term "dock-berth" has nine letters in it, and Nine Elms is on the +Thames too. Whew! + + * * * * * + + "We find ourselves generally in agreement with the writer Dr. + Figgis, so our enjoyment of his books is the keener and less + critical. When we do criticise it is as though we found faults + in a friend whom we know very well and regard very highly. + This position Dr. Figgis has won for himself by the + thoroughness as well as the cleverness of his literary + work."--_Athenæum._ + +Dr. FIGGIS must be a proud man to-day. + + * * * * * + +INTERVIEWING FATHER. + +SIR GEORGE is not a nice man. He is a mercenary, narrow-minded person. +I never really liked him, but then he never really liked me. However, +he is Miranda's father, so I decided to interview him. The interview +took place at his office. He waved me to a chair, and, as it seemed +all that I was likely to get, I took it. + +"Well?" Sir George grunted. + +His tone indicated an unfriendly spirit, so I retorted, "Well." + +There was a slight pause. Then he said, rather aggressively. "I never +lend money." + +"I suspected it," I replied; "I practically never borrow money, but +that is my misfortune and not my fault." + +"Then what can I do for you?" + +"You have a daughter----" + +"I have," he interrupted. + +"I knew we should find a common basis of agreement. Miranda is +unmarried; I am unmarried." + +"You suggest marrying my daughter?" + +"I make no suggestion, but the idea had crossed my mind." + +"Can you keep a wife?" + +"I never lost one yet. I think that with a little tact----" + +"I mean, have you any money?" + +"Eighteen shillings and fourpence," I answered, producing that sum as +evidence of my _bona fides_. + +"That is not a very large capital on which to start married life." + +"True, but I'm not mercenary. Yet perhaps, as we seem to have +drifted on to the question of money, I might mention that I have +property--house property." + +"I don't believe much in house property in these days." + +"I don't either. Though I lay no particular stress on the matter, I +also have some mortgages." + +"I don't care much about mortgages." + +"I agree with you. Beastly things, I call them." + +"What income do you derive from the property and the mortgages?" + +"I don't exactly derive any income from either. You see, the two +things go together--I mean the property and the mortgages. I don't +fancy the mortgagees get much income from the property, though I +suppose they try their best. Perhaps, strictly speaking, I can hardly +call the property mine since the mortgagees took possession. The +mortgages however are undoubtedly mine. I created them, you know." + +Sir George rose pompously, so I went on at once: + +"I have some shares. I should like your opinion on them." + +"What kind of shares?" + +"The usual kind--paper, but quite nice artistic designs on them." + +"In what companies?" + +"I forget the names of the companies, but I think that they had +something to do with rubber." + +"Then you can take my advice and sell them." + +"Thanks awfully," I said, "if that means that you'll buy them. I +always thought that I should eventually find someone to help me out." + +"I will not buy your shares. But before I finally close this interview +I should like to know, as a matter of curiosity, on what you live?" + +"Meat and things, like other people. I'm no vegetarian." + +"I mean, how do you obtain food and clothes? I see that you do wear +clothes. At present I'm a little puzzled." + +"It's a matter which has often puzzled me. I get them somehow. +Sometimes I work and sometimes, but not very often, I get paid for my +work. I believe that if I were married I could earn more." + +"What makes you think that?" + +"Well, you see, I couldn't very well earn less." + +"Then am I to understand that you have practically no income?" + +"If it comes to that, has Miranda any income?" + +"My daughter will have what I choose to allow her." + +"And I shall have what I choose to earn, so it seems that we should be +fairly well matched." + +"Sir, I consider your request to marry my daughter an impertinence, +and the flippancy with which you have conducted this interview an +insult." + +"Sir George," I said impressively, "be just before you are generous. +If you think over the matter calmly you will recognise that I have +made no such request. You are an older man than I, so I pass over +anything that you may have said in the heat of the moment. I am +willing to part friends." + +For a moment I thought he would burst. He ignored my outstretched hand +and almost shouted, "I don't care how we part, so long as we do part. +You will oblige me by not seeing or communicating with my daughter +again." + +As I was passing through the door I remarked, "Without making any rash +promises, I will endeavour to oblige you. I gather, as much from your +demeanour as anything else, that you do not favour me as a suitor for +your daughter's hand. As a matter of fact, I look with equal disfavour +on you as a possible father-in-law. My real object in seeking this +interview was to remove any misapprehension you might have on the +subject." + +When I was well outside the door, laughter really took hold of me for +the first time since Miranda refused to marry me. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Underground Train Conductor (sulkily to passenger +jumping in after train has started)._ "NAH THEN! IF YOU'D HA' FALLEN +DAHN AND BROKE YER NECK _I_ SHOULD 'AVE BEEN THE ONE TO SUFFER."] + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Hartley is the proud possessor of the English + championship belt for running broad jump, having cleared + something over 45 feet." + + _The Morning Albertan._ + +His pride is very excusable. + + * * * * * + + "In our day when many women consider the art of managing a + home beneath the dignity of their supposed sex, not everyone + knows how to make a pancake." + + _Liverpool Daily Post and Mercury._ + +"Supposed" is good. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MARCH WINDS. + +_Short-sighted Official (to gentleman pursuing hat)._ "CALL YOUR DOG +OFF, SIR, CALL YOUR DOG OFF," ETC., ETC., ETC.] + + * * * * * + +MOVING. + +(_A Suburban Elegy._) + + WHEN I remember I shall tread no more + In such a short time now the well-known street, + And never to these ears shall sound the roar + Of Perkins' cart-wheels, dangerously fleet, + Bringing the boon of Ceres to the door, + Nor those of Batson (Batson is the meat);-- + + When I recall that in the hours to come + My eyes may never see the shape of Pott + Planting his fish down, then methinks it's rum + That mortal men should move and be forgot + By those that serve their household daily, some + Sending the right delivery, some not. + + Full often on my homeward way I pause + Where Jones is standing at his shop-front trim; + We pass remarks about the nation's laws + And how it still keeps up, though skies are grim; + And Jones is most polite to me, because + We've always got our groceries from him. + + But the old orders soon shall cease to be, + And I must pass into an unknown land, + And at the corner by The Holly Tree + Where now he lifts a ceremonious hand + Yon constable shall scarce remember me, + Not that he ever----Quite. You understand. + + And alien lips from mine must move to swear + Over the mangled remnants of a shirt + Brutally done to death with fiendish care + By yon steam laundry. Last I come to Bert; + Bert's is the best known face in all the Square, + Being the milk, and something more--a flirt. + + Yes, for not only bleeds this heart of mine; + There shall be tenderer spasms when we shift, + Such bits of cheek, such observations fine, + Such honied whispers have been heard to drift + From Susan at the casement of her shrine + To Romeo managing the tradesmen's lift. + + Hers shall be all the loss; he'll soon forget. + Others shall ope accounts when we are gone; + Movings are all too frequent for regret; + Yet one methinks there is shall dream upon + Our name with soft remembrance, guard it yet + Like some pressed violet. I refer to John. + + I know our postal service, know full well, + Though we have told them to what bourn we flit, + How many a missive shall obey the spell + Of the old false address inscribed on it. + And John shall bring them. And John's heart shall swell + For Harriet while he stuffs them through the slit. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +OUR LITERARY ADVICE DEPARTMENT. + +CANDID advice given to the literary aspirant on easy terms by an old +journalist. His fame is world-wide, but he prefers to be known as THE +OLD NIB. Anyone sending him threatening letters will be prosecuted. + +Frankly, LANCELOT, your _Passionate Pangs; or, Heart Throbs of a +Retired Government Clerk_, will never bring you in a large income. You +say friends have praised them highly, and you point out that TENNYSON +had to wait years for recognition. Well, you must do the same. You +could not have a better precedent. + +You have a strong grasp of a situation, BENJAMIN, and the scene where +_Uncle Henry_ slips on the butter slide is quite thrilling. But you +must compress a little and avoid certain faults of style. "She hove +a sigh" is wrong; and I do not like "'Pshaw,' he _shouted_"; I do not +think it could be done. I tried myself in my bath and swallowed a lot +of soapy water. Pray be more careful. + +I certainly like to hear from such an enthusiastic reader as WIGWAM. +His idea, of going to a fancy-dress ball dressed in a number of old +copies of _Wopple's Weekly_ is excellent and, if they let him in, +ought to be a great success. I hope he wins the hair comb. As to +his verses I have often seen worse. With a rhyming dictionary (for +rhyming) and an ordinary one (for spelling) WIGWAM should go far. + +ANGELINA'S poem shows a nice domestic feeling which I appreciate. In +these days of Suffragettes it is not every authoress who will say-- + + "I like to see a familiar face + And I think home is a beautiful place." + +But though "mother," as she says, is a very beautiful word it does not +rhyme with "forever." "Other," "brother" and "smother" are the rhymes +that I always recommend. + +LEONIDAS has made a great improvement since I had to speak to him so +severely last spring. _Sly Sarah_ is quite a clever tale, and before +very long LEONIDAS will find himself writing for _Soapy Bits_ and +papers of that calibre. Of this I am sure. His characterization is +strong, his style is redolent of _bravura_ and his general atmosphere +is _fortissimo_. The character of the archdeacon might be improved; +indeed, if LEONIDAS is going to send it to _The Diocesan Monthly_, I +should say it must be improved. Why should he slap _Sarah's_ face? No +reason is given for this, and it is surely a very questionable action. +Human nature may be human nature, but archdeacons are archdeacons. By +the way there is only one _l_ in spoonful. + +HENRY must be careful. This is the third time he has sent me his epic. +There are limits. + +There is not much demand for tales of this description, HOPEFUL. But +as you say you like writing them I do not see who is to prevent you. +If you can get the permission of the local authorities by all means +give a reading at the Home for the Half-Witted. + +I have no doubt CLAPHAM ROVER means well, but he has a lot to learn. +There are no events of any kind in the three tales he sends me. The +only thing that ever happens is that the hero is kicked downstairs. +Even then he lies prostrate in the hall for two days. Surely the maids +might have swept him up. CLAPHAM ROVER must remember the great words +of DEMOSTHENES when he swallowed a pebble on the sea beach: "Action, +action, and again action." He was thinking of lawyers, of course, but +his words have a lesson for us all. + +INGENUOUS is the exact opposite of CLAPHAM ROVER. I rise from his tale +an absolute wreck. "Splash, she was in the river;" "plonk, he was on +the floor;" "whiz, a bullet shot past him." INGENUOUS must really go +more quietly and make a little less noise. Why not write a few essays +on some of our lesser known female didactic writers, or some such +subjects as "People one is surprised to hear that Dr. JOHNSON never +met?" It would do him a lot of good. But above all he must study that +master of Quietism, the incomparable author of _The Woman's Touch_, +_The Silent Preacher_, _Through a College Key-hole_. + +PARSIFAL has pained me very much. He sent me a long poem, and after +I had given him a very detailed criticism I discovered that he had +simply copied out a poem of WORDSWORTH'S familiar to us all from our +earliest childhood. I have lost his address, so I cannot tell him +privately what I think of him, but it was a dirty trick. + +CIUDAD RODRIGO (I don't know why he calls himself that; he writes +from Balham) sends me an essay on GEORGE BORROW. It follows with +great fidelity the line of established fact, never deviating into the +unknown. After reading it I felt that I did not want to hear any more +about GEORGE BORROW for a long time. + +ARRIÈRE PENSÉE, TOOTLES, PONGO and HUGGING: see answer to CIUDAD +RODRIGO. + +I did an injustice to PARNASSIAN in my answer to him last week. Owing +to a misprint I was made to say that "his poems were written" (which +they were not, but typed, and very excellently typed too). What I +meant to say was that his poems were rotten. Sorry. + + * * * * * + +THE MILITANT'S SONG. + + EACH morning, vigorous and bright, + I sing my little song:-- + "If I don't do the thing that's right + I'll do the thing that's wrong." + + And if I chance to miss my aim + By slight miscalculation + I go on singing just the same + With equal exaltation. + + So when I light my little sticks + To burn up "No. 8" + And find I've kindled "No. 6" + My joy is just as great. + + And when my little stones I dash + At windows in a hurry + And hear the corner lamp-post smash + I see no cause to worry. + + And when I take my little whip + To punish "Mr. A." + And find I've made another slip + I giggle out, "Hurray!" + + And under lock and key I trill, + Although my cell's a strong one:-- + "I didn't hit the right man, still + At least I hit the wrong one." + + * * * * * + +Bethnal Green and Leith. + +We are asked to say that some of the best friends of the Government +take a grave view of the acclamations with which the Liberal Press has +been greeting the recent "moral victories" of the Party at the polls. +A few more of these moral victories and the language o£ triumph will, +they fear, be exhausted before an actual victory occurs. + + * * * * * + + "Lord Plymouth's donation of £30,000 completes the purchase of + the Crystal Palace. The shortage was due to Mr. Camberwell's + refusal to contribute, and also to a reduction in Mr. Pinge's + contribution by £15,000." + + _Otago Daily Times._ + +On the other hand we are glad to be in a position to say that Lord +Penge, the Hon. Mrs. Sydenham Hill and the Dowager Lady Dulwich have +behaved most generously. + + * * * * * + + "Respecting Ichthemic Guano, you can make use of my name, as + it is one of the best fertilisers on the market." + + _From a Trade Circular._ + +We should like to know what our old friend Ichthemic Guano has to say +about this. He will not like to hear that anybody else's name competes +with his in the fertilising market. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HOLY ESTATE: AN EX-PARTE VIEW. + +_Her Ladyship._ "SO YOU ARE LEAVING TO GET MARRIED, THOMPSON? I MUST +COME AND SEE YOUR WIFE WHEN YOU ARE COMFORTABLY SETTLED." + +_The Lover._ "THANK YOU, ME LADY. SHE SEEMS A NICE QUIET SORT OF GIRL, +AND I 'AVE HEVERY 'OPE SHE'LL MAKE ME COMFORTABLE."] + + * * * * * + +BELLES LETTRES AND OTHERS. + +Most of us have been startled to observe how very far real life falls +short of the standard of books. The realisation has come home to me +with great force after reading _Whispers of Passion_, a collection of +love-letters by "Amorosa," which I could not refrain from comparing +with certain authentic love-letters (as I suppose I must call them) +which happen to be in my possession. + +What a contrast! What a melancholy contrast! + +Here, for example, is the tender opening of one of "Amorosa's" +efforts: + + "BELOVED,--This morning I saw the sun rise from behind the + grey hills that rampart our secluded vale. Slowly, almost + imperceptibly, as I watched, the sombre robes of the Night + were irradiated and enrosed by the mysterious fires of the + Dawn. And herein, my dear one, I seemed to grasp a deathless + symbol of the awakening of Love between us, the first + slow gilding of our grey lives by the roseate glamour of + romance...." + +And so on. Now read this, taken from one in my own collection treating +of the same subject:-- + + "DEAR WOGGLES,--How _dare_ you hint that I'm lazy? As a matter + of fact I saw the sunrise only this morning, which reminds me + of a story. I daresay you know it already. A small boy decided + to keep a diary, and the first entry he made was: '_1st + January--Got up at 8.15._' His mater objected to this on the + ground that _got up_ was too slangy. 'Look at the sun,' + she said. 'The sun doesn't _get up_; it _rises_.' The same + evening, after the boy had gone to bed, she looked at the + diary again. There was only one other entry: '_Set at 9._' + + Not much of a yarn, is it, Woggles? But still it's good enough + for you...." + +Or consider this beautiful conclusion: + + "... Dear, I am all thine. My soul calls to thee across + the night; the beating of my heart cries through the + darkness--Thine, thine, thine! + + Good night, adored one, good night. + + AMOROSA." + +And contrast it with the following:-- + + "... And now I must dry up or I shan't be in bed by midnight, + and the old man will lose his hair and say I'm ruining my + precious constitution. Ta ta. Be a good infant. + + Yours, + MADGE." + +"Amorosa's" lover appears to have sent her a bracelet, and must have +felt richly repaid when he received this:-- + + "... As I clasped the slender circlet around my wrist I seemed + to hear a voice which said, 'This is pure gold; let your + love be pure. It is an emblem of infinity; let your trust be + infinite. It is a pledge of fidelity; let your faithfulness be + immutable...." + +But this is how Madge expresses herself on a similar occasion:-- + + "... Thanks very much for the bracelet. It seems pretty + decent...." + +Let me give two other extracts which happen to treat of similar +themes. Here is the first:-- + + "... I heard music surging in great waves of divine beauty + from Belnobbio's 'cello, and, magically, wonderfully, it lured + and compelled my thoughts, beloved one, to you. In all those + immortal harmonies I heard your voice; the Master's rapt + features faded into mist, and I saw instead your own grave, + strong face. Tell me, what is this power which can so converge + all beauties to one centre?..." + +And here is the second:-- + + "... I went to hear Kranzer yesterday, and oh, Woggles, I tell + you, he is the edge, the very ultimate edge! I _rave_ over + him day and night. I'm madly, head-over-heels, + don't-know-how-to-express-it in love with him. I'm going to + throw you over and follow him about all round the world, and + whenever I get the chance just lie down and let him wipe his + boots on me. So--resign yourself to it; you'll probably never + see again, + + Your fatally smitten + MADGE." + +Occasionally, it is true, there occurs in these deplorable letters +just a touch of sentiment, but how crudely, how prosaically expressed. +Immediately after the passage quoted above, for instance, I find +this:-- + + "P.S.--Dear old boy, you don't mind when I rag you, do you? + Here's just a teeny-weeny × for you. + M." + +How does "Amorosa" phrase such a sentiment? + + "... My lips cannot touch your lips, but my soul seeks yours, + and in that spiritual embrace there is something of eternity." + + * * * + +And yet, after all---- + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TATTOOER'S ART. + +_Exasperated Backer._ "'IT 'IM CHARLEY; DON'T LOOK AT THEM PICTURES."] + + * * * * * + +GNOMES FOR GOLFERS. + + In April when the cuckoos call + Glue both your optics on the ball. + + In May avoid the water-ouzel + Whose warning note predicts a foozle. + + In Summer when the lies are good + Propel it smartly with the wood. + + In August should the peacock shriek + Renounce the baffy for the cleek; + + But if your stroke becomes too "sclaffy" + Give up the cleek and use the baffy. + + In Autumn when the lies are clammy + Replace the brassie by the "Sammy." + + But when the course is dry and grassy + Replace the "Sammy" by the brassie. + + In Winter when the lies are slimy + Be up or in, or lay a stymie. + + When caddies chatter on the green + Rebuke them, but remain serene. + + But when they hiccough on the tee + Pay them their regulation fee. + + Whene'er you chance to top your drive + Before you speak count twenty-five. + + But if you slice into the rough + Thirty will hardly be enough. + + When beaten by a single putt + You may ejaculate, "Tut, tut." + + But if you're downed at dormy nine + Language affords no anodyne. + + Where frequent pots the green environ + Take turf approaching with the iron. + + No game is lost until it's won; + The duffer may hole out in one. + + If down the course the pill you'd punch + Be careful what you eat at lunch. + + A simple cut from off the joint + May cure your shots to cover-point. + + But lobsters, trifle and champagne + May even prove the plus-man's bane. + + * * * * * + +The Nine St. Denys's. + + "Thereupon the Labour party sang 'The Red Flag,' the deportees + joining in the chorus, bearing their heads during the + singing." + + _South Wales Echo._ + +[Illustration: A DEVOTEE OF "THE DOCTRINE."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + +_House of Lords, Monday, February 23rd._--Temporarily relieved from +thoughts of Ulster or meditations upon Marconi, House gave itself up +to bright debate on question not less attractive because of spice +of personality. Spice acquired additional piquancy since it was not +supposed to be there. Its absence was indeed formally insisted upon. +"Oh no, we never mention him. His name is never heard." All the same, +as debate went forward, names _did_ occur. Glances, furtively shot +from side to side of House, casually rested upon particular seats, +whether empty or occupied. + +SELBORNE introduced subject by moving Resolution condemning principle +that a contribution to Party funds should be a consideration to a +Minister recommending to the Sovereign bestowal of a titular honour. +Subject delicate one to handle. As SELBORNE admitted, WILLOUGHBY DE +BROKE and RIBBLESDALE in succession concurring, it was not a Party +question. Notorious that since the days of Lord NORTH both political +parties are tarred with same brush. Through difficult circumstances +SELBORNE adroitly picked his way in lively speech. Sorely handicapped +by Resolution, the effect of which, even with assistance of other +House, would, as RIBBLESDALE pointed out, be absolutely nil. "In the +end," he said, "both Houses would be only expressing a pious, almost a +Pharisaical opinion." + +This conceded, the Lords, having no work to do, might have done much +worse than devote sitting to breezy debate. + +WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE at his best in his enunciation of principles upon +which, were he dispenser of honours in the Radical camp, he would +choose his peers. Whilst taking broad view of case on eugenic +principles, he would be inclined to make selection in favour of +childless candidates. + +"The sons of newly-created Radical peers are," he shrewdly remarked, +"almost certain to be Tories, while a Radical grandson of a Radical +peer is a phenomenon never seen." + +Incidentally the bold Baron took occasion to remark that his own title +was conferred upon an ancestor in reward for active part taken in +placing the Tudor dynasty on the throne. Some noble lords, whose +patent to peerage is of rather more recent date, whilst agreeing +generally with his views, thought this remark superfluous. Why drag in +the Tudors? + +WILLOUGHBY'S graphic account of an interview with the agent of a +moneyed applicant for honours was capped by RIBBLESDALE, who confided +to listening Senate particulars of occasions when, as a Whip he had +from time to time been "approached." + +MILNER, shocked by what he regarded as frivolity, proposed to treat +the subject "with a slight approach to seriousness." Proposal cast a +blight over proceedings which were hurried to conclusion. + +_Business done._--SELBORNE'S Resolution agreed to with verbal +amendment. + +[Illustration: _Lord CREWE (to Lord SELBORNE on his way to the Debate +on the Sale of Honours)._ "I trust we shall have no stone-throwing." + +_Lord SELBORNE._ "I'm entirely with you. Too much stained-glass about, +what?"] + +_House of Commons, Tuesday._--Resemblance of House of Commons to the +sea never more strikingly illustrated than at to-night's sitting. For +five hours and a half deadliest calm reigned. Benches less than +half full. Questions droned through appointed period. House got into +Committee of Supply on Civil Service estimates. Votes for Colonial +Service offered occasion for debate on Camel Corps disaster in +Somaliland last August. LULU defended in detail the policy and action +of his department. At half-past eight, talk still dragging slow length +along, he moved closure. Division on proposal to reduce the estimate, +equivalent to vote of censure, ran Government majority up to 125. + +Suddenly scene changed. It was the mid-dinner hour, period at which +House is as a rule dismally empty. The four-hundred-and-seventy +Members who had taken part in the division, instead of fleeing in +accordance with custom as if fire had broken out, made for their +seats, whence rose the buzz of excited talk that presages a tempest. + +The miracle was worked by Ulster. FALLE, having by favour of fortune +at ballot-box secured portion of sitting as Private Member's property, +moved Resolution calling upon PRIME MINISTER, forthwith to submit +to House his proposals for alteration of Government of Ireland Bill. +Opposition mustered in support. Ministerialists whipped up to last +man. When, following mover and seconder of Resolution, PREMIER +appeared at the table he was welcomed by shout of exultant cheering. +Significant contrast with his reception when, a fortnight earlier, +he stood in same place and seemed inclined to dally with proposal for +exclusion of Ulster. Instinctively, or through whispered information, +Ministerialists knew he was now, as they put it, "going straight." + +Their most sanguine expectation justified. PREMIER in fine fighting +form. + +"Gentlemen opposite," he scornfully said, "seem to think we here can +be likened to a beleaguered garrison, driven by the stress of warfare +into an untenable position with failing supplies, with exhausted +ammunition, with shaken nerves, and that it is for them, the minority +of this House, to dictate the terms of capitulation that are to +determine whether we are to be allowed to surrender with or without +the honours of war." + +That sufficed to indicate his position. Whilst disclosure increased +enthusiasm on Ministerial side it correspondingly inflamed passion on +benches opposite. + +There was an anxious moment when fisticuffs seemed imminent across the +table in close proximity to shocked Mace. CARSON making interruption +(one of a continuous series), PREMIER thought it was WALTER LONG, and +severely enjoined him to restrain himself. LONG hotly retorted that he +had not spoken. Angry cheers and counter-cheers resounded in opposing +camps. PREMIER, accepting assurance of his mistake, apologised. +Fisticuffs postponed. + +Warned by experience, PREMIER took no notice when MOORE OF ARMAGH +shouted, "Why do you funk a General Election?" or when later he +received from same source disclaimer of belief in his sincerity; +or when another Ulster Member characterised forceful passage in his +speech as "Tomfoolery." + +Fresh roar of cheering broke over excited host of Ministerialists +when by way of last word PREMIER declared, "We are not going at the +eleventh hour to betray a great cause." + +_Business done._--Proverbially swift descent from sublime to +ridiculous. Demand of Opposition for instant disclosure of Ministerial +plan altering Home Rule Bill met by Amendment from Liberal side +declaring confidence in Government. This carried by majority of 73. +When put as substantial Resolution eleven o'clock had struck. No +opposed business may be taken after that hour. House accordingly +forthwith adjourned. Record of night's business in Journals of House +prepared for perusal of posterity is comprehended in word "That----" + +_Thursday._--House puzzled by question on Paper standing in name of +H. P. CROFT. Member for Christchurch desires "to ask the Secretary of +State for the Colonies whether he has received petitions in favour of +immediate legislation dealing with imported plumage through all or any +of the Prime Ministers of the States of Australia." + +How, why and under what circumstances plumage should be "imported +through" Prime Ministers of the Australian Commonwealth no one can +guess. Generally agreed that, if such painful procedure actually +be the Colonial custom, prohibitive legislation cannot be too soon +undertaken. + +SYDNEY HOLLAND, for many years the prop and stay of the London +Hospital, has taken his seat in the House of Lords on accession to the +Viscountcy of Knutsford. Apart from hereditary claim, he is the ideal +type of the class of peer whom reformers on both sides look to for +restoration of the prestige and usefulness of the Upper Chamber. +Nevertheless it is hoped he will not give up to Westminster what was +meant for mankind--the splendid devotion of capacity and energy to the +service of the sick poor of London. + +_Business done._--In Committee on Supplementary Estimates. + + * * * * * + +The New Matrimonial Insurance. + + "HUSBAND INSURED AWAY." + + "_Daily Mail" Heading._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Gentlemen opposite seem to think we here can be +likened to a beleaguered garrison, driven by the stress of warfare +into an untenable position."--_Mr. ASQUITH in the debate on Mr. +FALLE'S resolution._] + + * * * * * + +The Land Campaign once more. + + "Large Foot Path, very strong, reduced to 6s. 11d., less than + half-price." + + _Advt. in "The Accrington Observer._" + + * * * * * + + "Are we not having just a little too much London? A glance + over our rapidly growing fixture list suggests that the + predominance of the great Metrolopis in matters of golfing is + becoming rather too pronounced."--_Golfing._ + +It's not fair to the privonces. + + * * * * * + + "Members of the Chicago Bachelor Girls' Club, who number sixty + at present, say they must receive affirmative answers to this + list of questions before they will marry: + + ... Have you bad habits, such as drinking or smoking to + excess?..."--_Daily Mirror._ + +"The answer is in the affirmative." + +"Then I am yours." + + * * * * * + +A SIGN OF DECAY. + +(_A bull recently got into a china shop, but was coaxed out before any +damage was done._) + + WE cut but a decadent figure; + Our virtues grow sickly and pale; + Our forefathers' valour and vigour + Live only in poem and tale; + Our thews are beginning to soften; + No more are we sturdy and hard; + These facts have been often and often + Explained to the bard. + + But still to despondent repining + He never consented to yield; + For comfort amid our declining + He looked to the beasts of the field; + Though others grew haggard with grief, he + Maintained a refusal to quake + So long as our bulls remained beefy + And a steak _was_ a steak. + + But now there _is_ cause to repine, a + Dread portent of what to expect: + A bull has got loose in the china + And nothing, no, nothing's been wrecked. + Where fragments were wont to be scattered + Like forest leaves under a gale + Not even a saucer was shattered + By a flick of the tail. + + Oh, say, can this care for the teacup + Proclaim that the common decay + Is busting the bovine physique up + And hasting the horrible day + When the bard, too, must take up the story + That the halo of England grows dim, + Since the beef, whence she gathered her glory, + Is void of its vim? + + * * * * * + +Honours Easy. + + "£25 Reward. Lost, either at Folkestone Harbour or from a + Pullman Car, a Gentleman's Fur Coat, lined with minx." + + _Morning Post._ + + * * * * * + + "Miss Trenerry, wearing a coat of rose charmeuse, with + white fur collar, and several gentlemen."--_Express and Echo + (Exeter)._ + + * * * * * + + "Young Man requires board and lodging in Carshalton; hot and + cold bath preferred." + + _The Herald (Sutton)._ + +He can't have it both ways at once. + + * * * * * + + "At the Gare de Lyon this afternoon Rolland was welcomed by + General de Castelnau, who embraced him and took his arm to the + buffet of the station, where a reception was held."--_Daily + Telegraph._ + +General DE CASTELNAU. "_Donnez-le un nom._" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy (his first visit to Madame Tussaud's)._ "MUMMY, +CAN'T THAT MAN TALK EITHER?"] + + * * * * * + +THE TELEPHONE AGAIN. + +TING-A-LING. + +_Patient Subscriber._ Hullo. + +_Gruff Voice._ Are you Bond and Lapel? + +_Patient Subscriber._ I'm afraid you've got the wrong number. We're +Gerrard 932041. The Society for the Prevention of Wet Feet amongst the +Genteel Poor. + + * * * * * + +Ting-a-ling. + +_Same Patient Subscriber._ Hullo. + +_Same Gruff Voice._ Bond and Lapel? + +_S. P. S._ No, they've given you the wrong number again. We're +Gerrard 932041. Ring off, please. + + * * * * * + +Ting-a-ling. + +_S. P. S._ Hullo. + +_S. G. V._ Bond and Lapel? I'm Major---- + +_S. P. S._ My dear Sir, will you believe me that we're _not_ Bond and +Lapel? We're Gerrard 9-3-2-0-4-1. Don't let me have to speak to you +again, there's a good fellow. + + * * * * * + +Ting-a-ling. + +_Exchange._ You're thr-r-r-rough. + + _S. G. V._} Hullo. + _S. P. S._} + +_S. G. V._ Bond and Lapel, dammit! I want----Don't you "tut" me, Sir. +I TELL YOU YOU ARE. + +_S. P. S._ Oh, all right. Well, what can I do for you? + +_S. G. V._ EH? + +_S. P. S._ I said, What can I do for you? + +_S. G. V._ I'm Major Smith. I want you to make me---- + +_S. P. S._ Marjorie who? Speak up, please. + +_S. G. V._ MAJOR, M-A-J-O-R, MAJOR. MAJOR SMITH. CAN YOU HEAR THAT? I +WANT YOU TO MAKE ME A BLUE SERGE SUIT BY TO-MORROW WEEK. + +_S. P. S._ A little louder.... That's better. If you'll wait a moment +I'll just jot down your measurements. + +_S. G. V._ Measurements! What the----! I'm Major Smith. + +_S. P. S._ Hold the line a moment and I'll see if we have them. Are +you holding on?... Hullo. Major Smith, you said? Sorry, but the fact +is we've got two Major Smiths on our books. Would you kindly tell me +which one you are? + +_S. G. V._ I'm Major--Smith--of--3--Mecklington--Gardens--Kensington. + +_S. P. S._ Oh, yes. Close to the Oval. + +_S. G. V._ KENS-S-SINGTON! + +_S. P. S._ Oh, Kensington with an "s." Yes. I know. Well now, how +would you like it made? Will you have the trousers to match? We're +doing a very smart line in buff canary trouserings, just---- + +_S. G. V._ I said A BLUE SERGE SUIT, Sir! + +_S. P. S._ Sorry. I was thinking of the other Major Smith. Then we'll +say trousers to match. Yes, I've got that. Do you wear them turned up +or down? Down. Trousers turned down and sleeves turned up. No, both +down. Yes. Now what about box pleats? Shall we say box pleats? + +_S. G. V._ Don't you put any of your new-fangled dodges on _my_ +clothes, young man, because I won't have it. + +_S. P. S._ _No_ box pleats. I'll make a special note of it. Then +to-morrow fortnight without fail. + +_S. G. V._ To-morrow WEEK. And if you don't send that dress suit of +mine by six to-night---- + +_S. P. S._ Dress suit? Dress suit? What dress suit? This is the first +I've heard of any dress suit. + +_S. G. V._ WHAT? + +_S. P. S._ It can't be done, old chap. You'll have to borrow one for +to-night. + +_S. G. V._ Y-y-you insolent p-puppy. P-put me through to the manager. +AT once. + +_S. P. S._ Thanks so much. Then I'll put you down for a subscription. +The Society for the Prevention of Wet Feet amongst the Genteel Poor, +you know. + +_S. G. V._ ----! ----! ----! (Biff ... bang ... ting-a-ling ... +buz-z-z-z-z-z.) + +_S. P. S._ Exchange. + +_Exchange._ Number, please. + +_S. P. S._ Put me through to the Repairs Department.... Oh, Repairs +Department. I'm ringing up on behalf of Major Smith, of 3, Mecklington +Gardens, Kensington. Send someone round at once, please. His telephone +has burst. + + * * * * * + + "ST. PAUL'S. + + £70,000 WANTED FOR THE FABRIC." + + _Standard._ + +Another chance for Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY. + + * * * * * + +THE WEDDING PRESENT. + +"At last," I said, putting down my newspaper, "there is hope for +England. Here is a man who announces his approaching marriage and +hopes that wedding presents will not be sent." + +"Pooh," said the lady of the house. + +"Why," said I, "do you say 'pooh'?" + +"Because," she said, "it's not a bit of good hoping for anything of, +the sort. You might just as well abolish weddings at once. People +won't go to one unless they have a chance of seeing their own present +and admiring it so much that the detective begins to suspect them." + +"Yes," I said, "isn't the detective splendid? Nobody ever fails +to spot him, and yet there he is every time, firmly convinced +that everybody takes him for the bridegroom's uncle or the bride's +godfather by a former marriage, or something of that sort. I really do +feel I couldn't do without the detective." + +"There you are," she said. "You can't have the detective without the +presents." + +"Very well," I said, "we'll let presents go on a bit longer and chance +it." + +"And don't you forget," she said firmly, "that you've got to choose a +present for George Henderson to-day." + +"George Henderson?" I said dreamily. "Do you think George Henderson +_wants_ a present? Isn't he the sort which 'hopes that wedding +presents will not be sent'? I've always felt he had a look in his eye +which said, 'Dear old chap, I shall be married some day.--Whatever you +do, don't send me a present.' Haven't you felt that about him, too?" + +"No," she said, "I haven't. In fact George has always seemed to me +the very man for a present. And now he's going to be married. It's the +chance of a lifetime." + +"Well, then," I said, "if you feel like that _you_ ought to buy the +present. You'll do it better. You'll put more real feeling into it." + +"That may be," she said, "but you 're going to London, and I'm not. +You'll have to do it this time." + +"Oh, very well," I said; "have it your own way; but I warn you I shall +buy silver candlesticks." + +The two elder girls, who had been listening with eager interest, now +broke in. + +"Dad," said Helen to Rosie, "is going to try for his old +candlesticks." + +"Yes," said Rosie; "but you'll see he won't be allowed." + +"Cease, babblers," I said. "In earlier and less conjugal days no +wedding was considered complete without my silver candlesticks. It was +all so simple, too. I called at Gillingham's, wrote out a card, gave +an address, and away went the present. And what's more, they all wrote +back and said it was the one thing they had been longing for." + +"Oh," said the lady of the house, "they'll write like that about +anything. At any rate, we won't have candlesticks. They're quite +useless now, you know. Nobody has candles." + +"And that," I said, "is what makes candlesticks so valuable. There's +nothing base and utilitarian about them. They are appreciated for +their beauty, and there's an end of them. Do, do let me buy a pair for +George Henderson." + +"No," she said; "the whole of the rest of the silversmith's art is +open to you, but we will _not_ have candlesticks." + +"I told you so," said Rosie to Helen. + +In the afternoon, accordingly, I wandered into the establishment of +Messrs. Gillingham, jewellers, goldsmiths and silversmiths, and +heaven knows what besides. For a few moments I steeped myself in the +glittering magnificence of the objects displayed around me. Then +a polite and very well-dressed young man--not my usual one, but a +stranger--spoke to me. + +"Are you being attended to, Sir?" he said. + +"No," I said, "not yet. I'm not quite ready for it. Still, I may as +well begin." + +"Yes, Sir." + +"What," I said, pointing to a diamond tiara, "is the price of that?" + +Two ladies who were making a purchase turned round and gazed at me +with an awe-struck but approving look. The young man was evidently +much impressed. + +"That," he said, "is one of our newest designs. The stones are all +specially selected. The price"--he studied the little tag attached to +it--"the price is £1,050; very cheap for the value." + +"It is," I said, "wonderfully cheap. I can't think how you manage to +do it. I will think about it. In the meantime I should like to see +something smaller and not quite so valuable." + +"Is it a wedding present, Sir?" + +"Don't," I said, "let us call it a wedding present just yet." If we +do it's sure to turn out a sugar-sifter. Let's think of it as a mere +gift." + +"Yes, Sir." + +"Of course we may find that the man to whom we're going to give it is +about to be married, but that will be only the long arm, won't it?" + +"The--I beg your pardon, Sir;" + +"A coincidence, you know; and we're not the men to be put off by +coincidences, are we?" + +"No, Sir. Would you like to see the manager, Sir?" + +"No," I said, "the manager would only confuse me. Show me some silver +inkstands and some sugar-jugs--I mean some claret-sifters--that is, +some silver decanters, you know, and some silver fruit-baskets." + +"Yes, Sir." He went away and returned with an inkstand. + +"This," he said, "is a very favourite pattern. It combines a large +inkpot and a match-stand and a rack for the pens----" + +"I know," I said; "they never stay in it." + +"No, Sir. And there's a little candlestick for sealing-wax----" + +"I'll have it," I said feverishly. "Put it aside for me at once. This +is really a most remarkable piece of luck." + +"Yes, Sir. Anything else?" + +"Yes," I said. "I'll have a sugar-sifter, too. Any sugar-sifter will +do. I'm only doing it as a concession." + +"Yes, Sir. Where shall I send them?" + +I gave the address with great gusto, and when I reported the result +of my labours at home I said nothing about the little candlestick. The +mere joy of having bought it was enough for me. Thus George Henderson +received from us his fifth inkstand and his seventh sugar-sifter. He +wrote and said that they were the two things he had most been wishing +for. + + R. C. L. + + * * * * * + + "He looked at her with infinite gentleness. 'I know all about + it,' he said. + + She covered her face with her hands and cried brokenly. But, + coming closer, he put both hands on her shoulders, and lifted + her tea-stained face to his."--_Tasmanian Courier Annual._ + +Tea merchants are invited to compete for the advertisement. + + * * * * * + + "Hodgkins, however; drew ahead, and finally won as stated, + the scores being: Hodgkins, 400; Sunderland, 367. The winner's + best breaks were 24 and 17 (twice), and the doser's 32, 25, + and 20." + + _Sporting Life._ + +He should have made the dose stronger. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dog Pincher (to possible purchaser)._ "I WOULDN'T SELL +'IM FOR FIFTY QUID, ONLY THEY DON'T ALLOW NO DAWGS IN OUR FLATS AT +MALLABY MANSIONS."] + + * * * * * + +FARES. + +"Is that you, Herbert?" I said in surprise. + +It was. + +Strange how machinery can influence a man. The last time I had seen +Herbert he was a rubicund cheerful gardener. He was now a London +taxi-driver, with all the signs of that mystery on him: the +shabbiness, the weariness, the disdain. + +"Are you glad you gave up gardening?" I asked him. + +"Can't say I am now," he replied. "There's more money in this, but the +work's too hard. I miss my sleep, too." + +"You can always go back," I said. + +"I wonder," he replied. "I'd like to. This being at every one's beck +and call who happens to have a shilling is what I'm tired of." + +"What about tips?" I asked. + +"I get plenty of them," he said. "In fact, if the clock registers +tenpence or one and fourpence or one and tenpence I practically always +get the odd twopence. That's all right. It's the people who don't want +to tip but daren't not do it that I can't stand. And there are such +lots of them. That's what makes taxi-drivers look so contemptuous +like--the tips. People think we want the tips; but there's a time when +we'd rather go without them than get them like that." + +I sympathised with him. + +"Then there are the fares who always know a quicker way than we do. +They're terrors. They keep on tapping on the glass to direct us, when +we know all about it all the time. It's them that leads to some of the +accidents, because they take your eyes off the road." + +I sympathised again and made some mental notes for future behaviour +myself. + +"But the pedestrians are the worst," he continued. + +"The pedestrians?" + +"Yes, the people who walk across the road without giving a thought to +the fact that there might be a vehicle coming. The people that never +learn. The people that call you names or make faces at you after +you've saved their silly lives by blowing the hooter at them. Every +minute of the day one is having trouble with them, and it gets on +one's nerves. It's them that makes a taxi-driver look old sooner than +a woman." + +"So you'll go back to the land?" I said. + +"I don't know," he said. "I'd like to, but petrol gets into the blood, +you know." + +I suppose it does. + + * * * * * + + "Dr. Grenfell remarked that the tourist traffic [to Labrador] + was beginning to grow. Life in winter was very attractive, and + was enjoyed as people enjoyed winter in Norway. One of his + few personal reminiscences was how he fell through the ice and + expected to be frozen to death."--_Manchester Guardian._ + +Us for Labrador, every time. + + * * * * * + +Paragraph in a petition addressed to a Government official by a Baboo +who wished to protest against the conduct of another Baboo:-- + + "His hatred of me is so much that in the heat of his animosity + he wilfully omitted to put in the formal ephithet 'Mr.' to my + name, which no man of honour would drop because not so much + for disregarding me, but that he would be doing injustice to + the European etiquette." + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"THE LAND OF PROMISE." + +"I'M about fed up with God's Own Country," says the waster in the play, +a youth who, after exchanging a safe thousand a year at Bridge for the +dangerous delights of "Chemin-de-fer," had been invited by a stern sire +to migrate to Canada. And even so he had not been present during the +Third Act to see the things that we saw, or he would have learnt some +more discouraging facts which are never mentioned in the philosophy of +the emigration-agents; for example, that the solitude and wide spaces of +the Golden West seem to induce, even in the honest native worker, a +reversion to the state of a dragon of the prime. But he had already +seen, in the case of _Norah Marsh_, whom poverty had driven to seek the +shelter of her brother's roof on a Manitoba farm, how the drudgery and +petty jealousies of a narrow Colonial _ménage_, the familiar society of +hired hands, and the lack of life's common amenities, had developed a +gently-bred Englishwoman into a sour-tongued shrew. + +Worse was to follow when, as a sole escape from the bitter spite +of her plebeian hostess, she consented to marry a barbarian who was +looking for a woman-of-all-work to manage his primitive shack. Here, +having already mislaid her feminine charm, she loses all sense of +honesty. First, when ordered to do her household duties--which were of +the essence of the contract--she declines to obey till he uses brute +force; and then, when he demands of her the attitude of a wife (a +very embarrassing scene), she protests that this was no part of the +bargain. + +I can't imagine what she supposed the bargain was about, if it didn't +require her to be either wife or servant. + +Terrorism was the man's simple solution; but those who looked, in the +last Act, for a tamed and adoring shrew were to be disappointed. Brute +force had only produced a patient obedience; and it was not till a +damaged crop had brought them to the edge of ruin that she consented +to become his ministering angel. But by that time we knew too well +her distaste for Manitoban methods to believe in the sincerity of this +sudden conversion. + +Altogether, after what Mr. MAUGHAM has done to my illusions, I have +given up any thought of going to God's Own Country in search of a +larger existence. + +The acting was perhaps better than the play, though the play was good +up to a point. The Second Act, with its fierce jealousy and wrangling +and the futile efforts of the farmer (admirably played by Mr. C. V. +FRANCE) to intervene between wife and sister, was excellent. For the +rest, it was the personality of Mr. GODFREY TEARLE, as the savage +mate of the shrew, that dominated the scene. There is no better +rough diamond (and he was really very rough) in the whole stock of +stage-jewellery. Miss IRENE VANBRUGH, though no actress could have +done more with her part, had less chance than usual of showing +her particular gift of _finesse_; and _Norah's_ character was too +inconsistent to command our sympathy. Not that we necessarily gave it +to the man. Indeed it was a flaw in the play that our sympathies were +never thoroughly engaged by either party. We were, of course, prepared +to range ourselves on the winning side, but there was no victory. The +issue was decided by _force majeure_ in the shape of a wretched weed +that destroyed the crop. + +[Illustration: _Extract from "The Prentice (Manitoba) Post"_:--"The +wedding was quite an impromptu affair, the happy pair going straight +to Mr. Taylor's shack, where they are spending the honeymoon quietly." + + _Norah_ Miss IRENE VANBRUGH. + _Frank Taylor_ Mr. GODFREY TEARLE.] + +The situations, though of a rather strenuous order, gave occasion from +time to time for humorous relief. At first, when the English servant +in the opening Act rudely interposed with a facetious comment on the +sincerity of the grief of certain mourners, I feared lest the humour +was going to be distributed loosely without regard to the propriety +of its mouthpiece. But the rest was reasonable enough; and my only +complaint about the best repartee ("There's no place like home." "Some +people are glad there isn't") has to do with its antiquity rather than +with its appropriateness. + +I have never been to Manitoba (and, after seeing _The Land of +Promise_, I am definitely resolved, as I said, never to go), so I +cannot say whether Mr. MAUGHAM'S interiors corresponded to the facts; +but their freedom from any signs of picturesqueness gave them an +air of being the right thing. Life in these parts no doubt revolves +largely round the simple joys of the stomach. Seldom have I seen so +much eating on the stage. We began at Tunbridge Wells with a funeral +tea (though perhaps I ought to pass this over as taking place outside +the Dominion); then as soon as we get to Dyer (Manitoba) we had a +mid-day dinner, with washing-up; and then at Prentice (Manitoba) we +were regaled with a supper of black tea and syrup. + +I am confident that there is a great opening for drama dealing +solely with Life Between Meals. To see people smoking on the stage is +sufficiently irritating; but, when you are assisting at a First Night +after a sketchy repast from the grill, all this feeding on the stage, +however frugal the menu, makes for exasperation. + +Finally I must compliment Mr. MAUGHAM on his ironical title. For his +play, too, is a thing "of promise" rather than achievement, if it +is to be judged by the test of the Last Act. Still, if a play only +promises well enough and long enough--as this play did--that is an +achievement in itself. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +THE TORTOISESHELL CAT. + + THE tortoiseshell cat + She sits on the mat, + As gay as a sunflower she; + In orange and black you see her blink, + And her waistcoat's white, and her nose is pink, + And her eyes are green of the sea. + But all is vanity, all the way; + Twilight's coming and close of day, + And every cat in the twilight's grey, + Every possible cat. + + The tortoiseshell cat + She is smooth and fat, + And we call her Josephine, + Because she weareth upon her back + This coat of colours, this raven black, + This red of the tangerine. + But all is vanity, all the way; + Twilight follows the brightest day, + And every cat in the twilight's grey, + Every possible cat. + + * * * * * + +The Thrusters. + + "The Ball given by the Ministry of Communications last night + in the new Waichiaopu Building was a great success in every + way. Although only 1,500 invitations were sent out, more + than that number of guests attended the Ball."--_Peking Daily + News._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN THE ALMOST CERTAIN PROSPECT OF A STORMY SESSION, WHY +NOT ADOPT THE "TERRACE" SYSTEM AS NOW USED AT THE ZOO?] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +I think I could best convey my impression of Miss ETHEL SIDGWICK'S +work by quoting the advertisement of a popular magazine which used to +proclaim that "these stories are different." All of Miss SIDGWICK'S +are this, though you might possibly be hard put to it to say exactly +how. It is chiefly an affair of style; there is about all of them +a certain dignity of utterance that combines with their humanity to +produce an effect wholly individual and rare. Take her latest example, +_A Lady of Leisure_ (SIDGWICK AND JACKSON). There is really very +little to arrest attention in the story itself; the characters are +persons whom you could meet every day, but in Miss SIDGWICK'S hands +they become creatures of extraordinary fascination. The result is a +novel by no means easy to criticise; partly because one is left with +the feeling (of course the most subtle compliment to any author) that +the characters have fashioned it themselves. Time and again one +seems to observe Miss SIDGWICK working towards some inevitable +_scène-à-faire_, when bounce! off go her people on an entirely +unexpected tack, which you must yet admit to be the very one they +quite obviously would follow. Never was a cast so incalculably alive. +Naturally for this reason its vagaries (they are almost all in love +and generally with the wrong person) would take too long to recount +in detail. I can only state my personal preference for the group that +consists of the heroine, _Violet Ashwin_, her father, the fashionable +physician, and her brainless but quite wonderful mother. I plump for +the _Ashwin_ household in short as a really brilliant contribution +to the homes in modern fiction. I don't say you will find their charm +easy of assimilation. The society of such clever and elusive folk as +_Violet_ and her father is bound to be hard going at first for +the general. But _Mrs. Ashwin_--oh, she is a joy, a marvel, an +exasperation! You will delight to read about her. + + * * * * * + +The first thing I have to say about _Initiation_ (HUTCHINSON) is that +it might have been written by Dr. CLIFFORD. The nice people in it +are all Roman Catholics, but a group of Huguenots or of Calvinistic +Methodists would have served the author's purpose equally well. For +ROBERT HUGH BENSON, the novelist, has (so to speak) told Monsignor +BENSON, the priest, to mind his own business, and leave him to +his, which is the telling of a story, and not the advocacy of any +particular form of religion. The second point to notice in the book is +that it divides its characters, and incidentally all characters, into +those who are initiated and those who are not. The initiated are those +who have learnt, chiefly by suffering, the lesson of life, which +is that it treats us as it likes. Because they have learnt it, +they trust, even when they do not understand, the purpose of the +life-giver; because they trust they do not kick against the pricks. +The young Catholic English gentleman, of whose initiation the story +tells, suffers prodigiously under two of the greatest misfortunes, +physical and mental, that a man may endure and live. And yet, when he +comes to die, you feel, and he knows, that they are not misfortunes, +but the opening up of the way of life. The chief cause of his mental +suffering, a young girl of eighteen or nineteen, is described (well on +in the book) as a practically insane egoist. She is, to my mind, the +weak spot in the story. Frankly I don't believe in her. A girl of her +age could not have been so selfishly cruel, and yet have taken in her +world as she did. I will own that she took me in at first; but that +was the author's fault. He ought not to have let me, as his reader, +think her charming and particularly sympathetic when he knew all the +time that she cared for no one but herself. I don't think that is +playing the game. All the I same, I like his book. + + * * * * * + +Having read Mr. REGINALD BLUNT'S book, _In Cheyne Walk and Thereabout_ +(MILLS AND BOON), I am now prepared to pass an examination in the +history and the worthies (or unworthies) of Chelsea. I know that +DON SALTERO was no Spaniard, but an ardent collector of childish +curiosities who for a time kept a coffee-house and a smoking club of +which "the ornaments and apparatus" were eventually offered to CHARLES +LAMB. If I am asked about Dr. MESSENGER MONSEY I shall say that he +"tried hard, but with indifferent success, to popularise his own +method of extracting teeth by tying one end of a piece of catgut to +the offending molar and the other to a perforated bullet, putting the +latter with a full charge of powder into a revolver and then pulling +the trigger." Then again there is BARTHOLOMEW JOSEPH ALEXANDER DE +DOMINICETI, Lord DE CETE ET DE CORTESI, Knight of the Holy Boman +Empire and Noble of Venice in terra firma. How did he with his +resounding name come to be in Chelsea and there establish "baths, +fumigatory stoves and sweating chambers" for the relief of distressed +humanity? This question and a hundred others of a similar nature you +will find answered in Mr. BLUNT'S delightful book. Let Mr. BLUNT take +you by the hand and guide you through his beloved Chelsea. He is +the most urbane and the most agreeably gossiping companion. He will +re-introduce you to Sir THOMAS MORE, Sir HANS SLOANE; to NEILD, the +prison-reformer, and his son JOHN, the famous miser; to the CARLYLES +and their servant JESSIE HEDDLESTONE, and a host of others. And he +will remind you that Dr. JOHNSON endeavoured to manufacture Chelsea +china, and that his _chefs d'oeuvre_ always collapsed in the firing. +Take my advice and acquire Mr. BLUNT'S book. + + * * * * * + +I suspect that _Mr. Simpson_, who gives his name to the story +_Simpson_ (METHUEN), can hardly have shared my own exhausting +acquaintance with modern fiction, otherwise it is unlikely that he +would have behaved as he did. What happened was this. _Simpson_, +though on the wrong side of forty, well off and eminently lovable, was +unmarried. Finding a charming old house in the country, he conceives +the idea of renting it as a kind of bachelor residential club where he +and other congenial cronies can enjoy the life of ease untroubled +by any form of feminism. Well, that, to start with, one might fairly +describe as "asking for it." But when I add that the old house in +question was the property of a still young and charming widow you will +probably agree with me that poor _Simpson_ hadn't even a dog's chance +from the beginning. It is possible that this fore-dooming may a little +spoil your enjoyment of Miss ELINOR MORDAUNT'S otherwise pleasant +tale. Naturally, so far from women being banished from its pages, +they simply abound; and the tale of the progress of the bachelor club +resolves itself into a chronicle of proposals. There is however an +attractive variety about the love affairs, of which I liked best +that of the youngest couple. With two there is a note of tragedy; +and though the courtship of _Gilbert Strong_, a respectable country +lawyer, and the wild gipsy whom he marries may strike you as +fantastic, the end of their romance is well told with a fine +suggestion of inevitability. On the whole an agreeable and easy-going +tale, though without any unusual claim to distinction. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IT WAS AN AMBITIOUS YOUTH WHO, WHILE TRAVELLING ON +THE CONTINENT, WAS OFFERED THE CROWN OF ONE OF THE SMALLER STATES AND +REFUSED IT, SAYING, HE "DISLIKED THESE BLIND-ALLEY OCCUPATIONS."] + + * * * * * + +I quite realise that I have not the shadow of a case against Mr. +ALGERNON BLACKWOOD. He frankly calls his book _Ten Minute Stories_ +(MURRAY), and that is exactly what they are. Nevertheless I did feel +a little aggrieved when each of them stopped with a jerk just as I +had become absorbed. One has a sense of having been cheated of one's +rights. That is why, though many of these sketches are as good as +they can be, I do not think that the book will be quite so popular +as others of his. But devout Blackwoodsmen will add it to their +collections and re-read the majority of its contents again and again, +as I propose to do. On second thoughts, indeed, I may say that perhaps +Mr. BLACKWOOD is not so unfair to his public as I have suggested, +for he is one of those writers who are not dead and done with after a +first perusal. He can pack a vast deal of food for thought even into +a ten-minute story. A good example of what I mean is to be found +in number fifteen of the collection, "Ancient Lights." Even a +scene-shifter at the Savoy Theatre would believe in fairies after one +reading of that. And if, after studying "If the Cap Fits," you lightly +steal a fellow-member's hat from your club, I shall regard you as a +very reckless dashing fellow. With the awful example of _Field-Martin_ +before me, I would not do it for a fortune. I shall buy one of those +frightful plush hats which you see in shops but never out of them, and +I shall have my name in large letters on the inside band. And to the +hat-waiter's insidious "This is just as good, Sir," as he offers +me some sinister bowler or topper with a past, I shall reply with +gestures of disgust and threats to write to the committee. + + * * * * * + + "Detached 7-roomed horse wanted."--_The Norbury Weekly News._ + +Where is your one-stalled ox now? + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's Note: + +Page 161: 'Deutches' is as printed. Alternative spelling (Wikipedia) + + "Herr REINHARDT'S Deutches Theater" + +Page 174: 'beleagured' corrected to 'beleaguered'. + + "likened to a beleaguered garrison," + +Page 174: 'lose' corrected to 'loose'. + +"A bull has got loose in the china" + + Page 174: 'privonces' is as printed. (A 'Punch' joke: Metrolopis). + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +146, March 4th 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 38794-8.txt or 38794-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/7/9/38794/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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