diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-8.txt | 2467 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 42189 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 3104361 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/38794-h.htm | 3345 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/161-350.png | bin | 0 -> 21904 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/161-800.png | bin | 0 -> 82727 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/163-1200.png | bin | 0 -> 169892 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/163-375.png | bin | 0 -> 20646 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/165-1500.png | bin | 0 -> 179734 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/165-600.png | bin | 0 -> 38829 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/166-300.png | bin | 0 -> 21517 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/166-800.png | bin | 0 -> 112913 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/167-1500.png | bin | 0 -> 195553 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/167-600.png | bin | 0 -> 43391 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/169-1500.png | bin | 0 -> 258632 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/169-600.png | bin | 0 -> 50670 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/170-1500.png | bin | 0 -> 206022 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/170-600.png | bin | 0 -> 41623 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/171-1140.png | bin | 0 -> 256644 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/171-350.png | bin | 0 -> 32728 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/173-1000.png | bin | 0 -> 152320 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/173-430.png | bin | 0 -> 36177 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/174-320.png | bin | 0 -> 20068 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/174-800.png | bin | 0 -> 88364 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/175-1000.png | bin | 0 -> 116667 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/175-400.png | bin | 0 -> 24039 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/177-1500.png | bin | 0 -> 213483 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/177-600.png | bin | 0 -> 44324 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/178-300.png | bin | 0 -> 15460 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/178-600.png | bin | 0 -> 47195 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/179-1500.png | bin | 0 -> 350314 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/179-600.png | bin | 0 -> 63199 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/180-1000.png | bin | 0 -> 105770 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794-h/images/180-600.png | bin | 0 -> 44332 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794.txt | 2467 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 38794.zip | bin | 0 -> 42145 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 |
39 files changed, 8295 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/38794-8.txt b/38794-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..31b678a --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2467 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, +March 4th 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, March 4th 1914 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: February 9, 2012 [EBook #38794] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + * * * * * + + Punch, or the London Charivari + + Volume 146, March 4th 1914 + + _edited by Owen Seaman_ + + * * * * * + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +According to _The Globe_ Mr. YEO, in returning thanks after the Poplar +election, shouted to a female interrupter; "Shut up, you silly +cat, shut up!" To this, we understand, the cat retorted generously, +"My-Yeo!" + + * * * + +The GABY DESLYS' tradition? Miss LOTTIE VENNE is appearing at the +Criterion in a _Pair of Silk Stockings_, and Miss MARY MOORE is +touring the provinces in _Mrs. Gorringe's Necklace_. + + * * * + +The KAISER has forbidden the production at Herr REINHARDT'S Deutches +Theater of a play called _Ferdinand, Prince of Prussia_, on the ground +that one of the characters is a member of the Prussian Royal Family. +We ourselves should never have dared to hint that this fact renders +the play unfit for the public. + + * * * + +Cheery notice on the window of an insurance office in New Broad +Street, E.C.:-- + + "GUARANTEES, + SICKNESS + COMBINED + WITH ACCIDENT." + + * * * + +Dr. DURHAM lectured last week on Explosives as an aid to Gardening; +but many persons think that the quiet man who does not lose his temper +gets better results. + + * * * + +Burglars, last week, broke into a synagogue at Newcastle-on-Tyne and +removed practically all the articles of value, including a silver cup +and a pointer. Surprise is expressed in some quarters that the pointer +should not have given the alarm by barking. + + * * * + +Living artists sometimes complain that it is only the Old Masters who +are appreciated nowadays. Authors would seem to be more fortunate. +Take the following paragraph from _The Bedford Express_:--"On Sunday +the well-known elocutionist, Mr. FREDERICK DUXBURY, visited Stevenage. +He preached morning and evening at the Wesleyan Church, and in the +afternoon he gave a sacred recital. His principal item on Sunday +afternoon was Coulson Kernahan's 'God and the Ant,' but he included +one or two lesser pieces, including a chapter from the book of Job." + + * * * + +It was stated last week in the Marylebone Police Court that there is +a gang of thieves in London who do not hesitate to steal motor-cars +whenever they find them unattended in the street. These scoundrels are +crafty enough not to pick up the cars and put them under their arm, +for they realise that this might attract attention, but they just jump +in and drive off. + + * * * + +We are glad to note a renewed outcry against the unearthly noises made +by many motor-car hooters. If they must run over us, the least they +can do is to let us die in peace. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dad_ (_who has brought his son to the links for the +first time_). "IS IT A GOOD LIE, HAROLD?" + +_Harold_ (_unconsciously ranking himself with the Great_). "FATHER, I +CANNOT TELL A GOOD LIE."] + + * * * * * + +It seems a pity that so little is done to encourage the growing love +of art among the criminal classes. The Italian gentleman who guarded +"La Gioconda" so carefully has not been so much as thanked for his +pains, and now it is stated that six persons have been arrested in +Paris and Brussels for removing art objects from the admittedly unsafe +custody of museums. + + * * * + +Stout residents of Cornforth, Durham, having protested against the +narrowness of some of the gateways on the local paths, the parish +council has decided to widen them. It was found that this would be +more economical than to send these citizens to Marienbad to have their +bulk reduced. + + * * * + +Publishers are continually making finds, and Messrs. DUCKWORTH AND CO. +have been peculiarly fortunate. In their current list they announce +the publication of "Lost Diaries" and "The Lost Road." + + * * * + + "Sale of Votes by Women. + + Incidents in a Chicago Election." + + _Daily Express._ + +By a curious coincidence we have seen ladies selling _Votes for Women_ +in the streets of London. + + * * * + +Yet another example of the industry of the foreigner. A pamphlet +issued by the Lincolnshire Chick Farm informs us that "On the Cyphers' +Co. Poultry Plant, one flock of 400 White Leghorns shows an average +of 185.2 eggs per bird in 36.5 days." This, we need scarcely tell our +readers, works out at 5.06849315 eggs per bird per day. + + * * * * * + +Another Episcopal Scandal. + +"KING AND NEW BISHOPS. + + The King received at Buckingham Palace to-day the new Bishops + of Chelmsford and St. Edmundsbury and Ipswich. The Home + Secretary administered the oath. + +FOUND TO BE INSANE. + + Judgment was reserved." + + _Westminster Gazette._ + + * * * * * + + "Much the largest of all the woodpeckers in this country is the + great black woodpecker (_Picus martius_). This is a very rare + species, occurring only in the wilds of the wooded mountain areas. + It is about 18 miles in length." + + _Pekin and Tientsin Times._ + +As the crow flies. + + * * * * * + +England's far-reaching Influence. + + "RESULT OF THE POPLAR ELECTION. + + NO FOREIGNER SAFE IN MEXICO." + + "_Yorkshire Observer" Placard._ + + * * * * * + + "SIR WILLIAM RAMSAY'S POSER STARTLES AUDIENCE. + + Special Cable to the New York Times and Montreal Gazette. + + London, February 4.--Sir William Ramsay raised the question + whether the unfit should be left to die at the annual dinner + of the Institute of Sanitary Engineers to-night." + + _The Gazette (Montreal)._ + +There would, of course, be no difficulty about the "funeral bakéd +meats." + + * * * * * + +IN MEMORIAM. + +John Tenniel. + + BORN 1820. + DIED FEBRUARY 25TH, 1914. + + Now he whose gallant heart so lightly bore + So long the burden of the years' increase + Passes at length toward the silent shore, + From peace to deeper peace. + + And we, his honoured comrades, by whose side + His haunting spirit keeps its ancient spell, + We bring our tribute, woven of love and pride, + And say a last farewell. + + Yet not farewell; because eternal youth + Still crowns the craftsmanship where hand and eye + Saw and interpreted the soul of Truth, + Letting the rest go by. + + Thus for his pictured pageant, gay or grave, + He seized and fixed the moving hour's event, + Maker of history by the life he gave + To fact with fancy blent. + + So lives the Artist in the work he wrought; + Yet Nature dowered the Man with gifts more dear-- + A chivalrous true knight in deed and thought, + Without reproach or fear. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +THE PERFECT CONDUCTOR. + +"GOOD MORNING, Sir," he said, as I boarded a leviathan one day +last week. "What a beautiful morning, isn't it? What can I have the +pleasure of doing for you?" He daftly pulled half-a-dozen tickets from +his stock and permitted me to inspect them. + +"Fresh in this morning, Sir," he continued. "White, one penny; a great +many people prefer them because they go well with any colour. For the +blue ones we are asking twopence; they have only the same amount of +information but take you twice as far. Sweet shade, isn't it?" He +stepped back and held one up to the light for my benefit. + +"Well, I really only wanted a pennyworth, but I _must_ have one of +the blue ones--they _are_ attractive, as you say. I shall keep it in +memory of you." + +"Very good of you, Sir. You won't mind my making a little hole in +it? A mere matter of form; and the bell, which rings to announce the +conclusion of the operation, is, as you will notice, quite musical. A +sovereign? I shall be delighted to change it for you." He gave me the +correct change, bowed, and turned to answer a lady passenger. + +"Have we passed Sloane Street?" she had enquired. + +"We passed it at least five minutes ago, madam. Were you wishing to +alight there?" + +"I was," replied the lady; "but don't trouble--I can walk back." + +He was horrified at the thought. + +"Certainly not, my dear madam," he protested. Turning to the little +ventilator-window by which he could communicate with the driver, he +rapped. "William," he called, "a lady here desired to get down at +Sloane Street. Do you mind...?" + +"Charles," responded the driver, stopping the 'bus, "you know our one +ambition is to please the passengers who so trustfully commit themselves +to our charge. Mingle my regrets with yours, as representing the +Company, that we should have omitted clearly to intimate when we were in +the vicinity of Sloane Street. We will lose no time in correcting the +error." + +"William," said Charles, "it is only what I should have expected of +you. It is the least we can do." William turned the 'bus carefully +and ran quickly back, to the admiration of the other passengers, who +murmured unanimous approval of such graceful courtesy. + +"This," announced Charles, as we pulled up after a while, having +recovered the lost ground, "is South Kensington Station. We stay here +one full minute for the advantage of any person who wishes to visit +the neighbourhood; after which we shall proceed, if all goes well, +to Putney, taking with us perchance those who have business in that +direction." + +I prepared to alight, and Charles shook my hand warmly. + +"Speaking for William and myself, Sir, representing the Company," he +said with emotion, "we are indeed sorry to lose you. It would have +given us both great pleasure could your presence have graced the +remainder of the journey. Still, doubtless your private affairs compel +you to sever this so charming acquaintanceship, and on some future +occasion I trust we may again meet?" + +"I trust so, Charles," I answered. "Farewell." + +"_Au revoir_," said Charles, waving a hand. Sorrowfully I left him, +hearing as I departed his dulcet tones addressing the passers-by: "If +anyone would care to step on, we are going to...." + + * * * * * + +MANNERS FOR PARENTS. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Instead of writing all this nonsense about the +behaviour of boys at school, why doesn't someone write about the +behaviour of parents at school--at their son's school, I mean? That is +a subject which really requires ventilation, for the behaviour of most +parents at school is _positively mouldy_. + +Of course it's very nice for your people to come down and see you +and all that, but there's a good deal of anxiety about it which might +easily be avoided, and I have therefore written out a few simple RULES +FOR PARENTS AT SCHOOL which I hope you will publish. + +(I.) Do not greet your son upon your arrival with "Well, boysie," or +some such rotten expression as that. It's the sort of thing that it +may take him years to live down. + +(II.) Do not insist upon attaching the son of your old friend Smith +to the party. Old Smith may be all right, but young Smith may be in a +House you can't mix with, or something like that. + +(III.) Do not say to your son, of someone else's cap, "That's a pretty +cap; why don't you have one like it?" because it's probably either the +First XI. colours, or the cap of a House you wouldn't be seen dead in. + +(IV.) Do not tell the House Master how well your son played in the +boys' cricket match last summer holidays. Your son is probably a +perfect rabbit, and the master is certain to know it. + +(V.) Do not discuss such subjects as "The Public School and the +Development of Character" with the masters in your son's presence. +It's very unpleasant to have the development of your character +discussed. In fact it's hardly decent. + +(VI.) Do not treat a member of the XI. as if he were an ordinary +person; and-- + +(VII.) For Heaven's sake don't walk across Great Green. Only fellows +who have been in the XI. two seasons may do so, yet I've known parents +wander all over it before their sons could stop them, and only laugh +when told what they had done! + +Hoping you will publish this, as I think you ought to do, + + Yours truly, + CHUBB Minor. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NINE OLD MEN OF THE SEA. + +RAMSAY MACSINDBAD. "WELL, WELL, IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE. THERE MIGHT +HAVE BEEN TEN OF 'EM."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE NEW BLOOD FOR OLD ENGLAND. + +INTRIGUED BY THE ACTION OF THE GREAT EASTERN RAILWAY AUTHORITIES +IN IMPORTING A NEW MANAGER FROM THE STATES, THE GOVERNMENT, IT IS +RUMOURED, ARE ABOUT TO GO EVEN FURTHER AFIELD IN SEARCH OF PROMISING +TALENT FOR THE FRONT BENCH.] + + * * * * * + +MY HEROES. + +Every day of my life I am more and more impressed by the genius of two +men. These men are GUTENBERG and MORSE. GUTENBERG invented printing +and MORSE was more or less in at the birth of telegraphy. What should +we do without either? + +It is morning and I turn to the paper. It happens to be _The Daily +Graphic_. What do I find? I find GUTENBERG and MORSE once more in +collaboration. Thus:-- + +"MR. BALFOUR LOSES HIS WAY. + + CANNES, Monday. + + Mr. Balfour paid a visit yesterday in pouring rain to Mr. + Chamberlain at the Villa Victoria. Mr. Balfour lost his way, + and passing the house strolled along the Fréjus road, scanning + the name of every house until he found a chauffeur who + directed him to the Villa Victoria. Subsequently Mr. + Balfour returned to the Hotel Continental and motored out to + dinner.--Central News." + +What, privileges we enjoy, we moderns! Five hundred years ago, four +hundred, the world would have been in ignorance of any event of this +kind. Statesmen would have lost their way in foreign towns and no one +at home would have known. Think of the privation! But now, not only, +thanks to GUTENBERG, do we know it and think accordingly, but, thanks +to MORSE, we know it the next day and our thrills are not delayed. + +So much for the morning. + +It is a few minutes later--evening. Not really evening, because it is +before lunch, but evening enough for the Tenth Muse, bless her! I open +_The Evening News_ and what do I find? GUTENBERG alone; but how full +of matter! Thus:-- + + "SEVEN. + + The mystic number seven is curiously associated with the + baby daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Knight, of Old Swinford, + Worcestershire. + + She was born at the Seven Stars Hotel at the seventh hour of + the seventh day of the seventh month. + + There were seven customers in the bar when her birth was + announced, seven persons were present at the christening, and + there are seven letters in her Christian name. + + Her father is the eldest of seven children and her mother the + youngest of seven. She has seven uncles." + +There's for you! But of course this is not enough. The chronicler, +try as he might, is but a scamper after all. Not only were there seven +customers in the bar, but each had had seven drinks. Whiskey (there +are seven letters in whiskey, spelt my way) punch. Each had a slice of +lemon and there were seven pips in the lemon. Of the seven uncles +each had a watch, making seven watches, and a cigar case, making seven +cigar-cases. So it might go on for ever. + +Similarly the nine deported Labour leaders arrived in the Thames nine +minutes after somebody else and nine minutes before somebody else. +The term "dock-berth" has nine letters in it, and Nine Elms is on the +Thames too. Whew! + + * * * * * + + "We find ourselves generally in agreement with the writer Dr. + Figgis, so our enjoyment of his books is the keener and less + critical. When we do criticise it is as though we found faults + in a friend whom we know very well and regard very highly. + This position Dr. Figgis has won for himself by the + thoroughness as well as the cleverness of his literary + work."--_Athenæum._ + +Dr. FIGGIS must be a proud man to-day. + + * * * * * + +INTERVIEWING FATHER. + +SIR GEORGE is not a nice man. He is a mercenary, narrow-minded person. +I never really liked him, but then he never really liked me. However, +he is Miranda's father, so I decided to interview him. The interview +took place at his office. He waved me to a chair, and, as it seemed +all that I was likely to get, I took it. + +"Well?" Sir George grunted. + +His tone indicated an unfriendly spirit, so I retorted, "Well." + +There was a slight pause. Then he said, rather aggressively. "I never +lend money." + +"I suspected it," I replied; "I practically never borrow money, but +that is my misfortune and not my fault." + +"Then what can I do for you?" + +"You have a daughter----" + +"I have," he interrupted. + +"I knew we should find a common basis of agreement. Miranda is +unmarried; I am unmarried." + +"You suggest marrying my daughter?" + +"I make no suggestion, but the idea had crossed my mind." + +"Can you keep a wife?" + +"I never lost one yet. I think that with a little tact----" + +"I mean, have you any money?" + +"Eighteen shillings and fourpence," I answered, producing that sum as +evidence of my _bona fides_. + +"That is not a very large capital on which to start married life." + +"True, but I'm not mercenary. Yet perhaps, as we seem to have +drifted on to the question of money, I might mention that I have +property--house property." + +"I don't believe much in house property in these days." + +"I don't either. Though I lay no particular stress on the matter, I +also have some mortgages." + +"I don't care much about mortgages." + +"I agree with you. Beastly things, I call them." + +"What income do you derive from the property and the mortgages?" + +"I don't exactly derive any income from either. You see, the two +things go together--I mean the property and the mortgages. I don't +fancy the mortgagees get much income from the property, though I +suppose they try their best. Perhaps, strictly speaking, I can hardly +call the property mine since the mortgagees took possession. The +mortgages however are undoubtedly mine. I created them, you know." + +Sir George rose pompously, so I went on at once: + +"I have some shares. I should like your opinion on them." + +"What kind of shares?" + +"The usual kind--paper, but quite nice artistic designs on them." + +"In what companies?" + +"I forget the names of the companies, but I think that they had +something to do with rubber." + +"Then you can take my advice and sell them." + +"Thanks awfully," I said, "if that means that you'll buy them. I +always thought that I should eventually find someone to help me out." + +"I will not buy your shares. But before I finally close this interview +I should like to know, as a matter of curiosity, on what you live?" + +"Meat and things, like other people. I'm no vegetarian." + +"I mean, how do you obtain food and clothes? I see that you do wear +clothes. At present I'm a little puzzled." + +"It's a matter which has often puzzled me. I get them somehow. +Sometimes I work and sometimes, but not very often, I get paid for my +work. I believe that if I were married I could earn more." + +"What makes you think that?" + +"Well, you see, I couldn't very well earn less." + +"Then am I to understand that you have practically no income?" + +"If it comes to that, has Miranda any income?" + +"My daughter will have what I choose to allow her." + +"And I shall have what I choose to earn, so it seems that we should be +fairly well matched." + +"Sir, I consider your request to marry my daughter an impertinence, +and the flippancy with which you have conducted this interview an +insult." + +"Sir George," I said impressively, "be just before you are generous. +If you think over the matter calmly you will recognise that I have +made no such request. You are an older man than I, so I pass over +anything that you may have said in the heat of the moment. I am +willing to part friends." + +For a moment I thought he would burst. He ignored my outstretched hand +and almost shouted, "I don't care how we part, so long as we do part. +You will oblige me by not seeing or communicating with my daughter +again." + +As I was passing through the door I remarked, "Without making any rash +promises, I will endeavour to oblige you. I gather, as much from your +demeanour as anything else, that you do not favour me as a suitor for +your daughter's hand. As a matter of fact, I look with equal disfavour +on you as a possible father-in-law. My real object in seeking this +interview was to remove any misapprehension you might have on the +subject." + +When I was well outside the door, laughter really took hold of me for +the first time since Miranda refused to marry me. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Underground Train Conductor (sulkily to passenger +jumping in after train has started)._ "NAH THEN! IF YOU'D HA' FALLEN +DAHN AND BROKE YER NECK _I_ SHOULD 'AVE BEEN THE ONE TO SUFFER."] + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Hartley is the proud possessor of the English + championship belt for running broad jump, having cleared + something over 45 feet." + + _The Morning Albertan._ + +His pride is very excusable. + + * * * * * + + "In our day when many women consider the art of managing a + home beneath the dignity of their supposed sex, not everyone + knows how to make a pancake." + + _Liverpool Daily Post and Mercury._ + +"Supposed" is good. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MARCH WINDS. + +_Short-sighted Official (to gentleman pursuing hat)._ "CALL YOUR DOG +OFF, SIR, CALL YOUR DOG OFF," ETC., ETC., ETC.] + + * * * * * + +MOVING. + +(_A Suburban Elegy._) + + WHEN I remember I shall tread no more + In such a short time now the well-known street, + And never to these ears shall sound the roar + Of Perkins' cart-wheels, dangerously fleet, + Bringing the boon of Ceres to the door, + Nor those of Batson (Batson is the meat);-- + + When I recall that in the hours to come + My eyes may never see the shape of Pott + Planting his fish down, then methinks it's rum + That mortal men should move and be forgot + By those that serve their household daily, some + Sending the right delivery, some not. + + Full often on my homeward way I pause + Where Jones is standing at his shop-front trim; + We pass remarks about the nation's laws + And how it still keeps up, though skies are grim; + And Jones is most polite to me, because + We've always got our groceries from him. + + But the old orders soon shall cease to be, + And I must pass into an unknown land, + And at the corner by The Holly Tree + Where now he lifts a ceremonious hand + Yon constable shall scarce remember me, + Not that he ever----Quite. You understand. + + And alien lips from mine must move to swear + Over the mangled remnants of a shirt + Brutally done to death with fiendish care + By yon steam laundry. Last I come to Bert; + Bert's is the best known face in all the Square, + Being the milk, and something more--a flirt. + + Yes, for not only bleeds this heart of mine; + There shall be tenderer spasms when we shift, + Such bits of cheek, such observations fine, + Such honied whispers have been heard to drift + From Susan at the casement of her shrine + To Romeo managing the tradesmen's lift. + + Hers shall be all the loss; he'll soon forget. + Others shall ope accounts when we are gone; + Movings are all too frequent for regret; + Yet one methinks there is shall dream upon + Our name with soft remembrance, guard it yet + Like some pressed violet. I refer to John. + + I know our postal service, know full well, + Though we have told them to what bourn we flit, + How many a missive shall obey the spell + Of the old false address inscribed on it. + And John shall bring them. And John's heart shall swell + For Harriet while he stuffs them through the slit. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +OUR LITERARY ADVICE DEPARTMENT. + +CANDID advice given to the literary aspirant on easy terms by an old +journalist. His fame is world-wide, but he prefers to be known as THE +OLD NIB. Anyone sending him threatening letters will be prosecuted. + +Frankly, LANCELOT, your _Passionate Pangs; or, Heart Throbs of a +Retired Government Clerk_, will never bring you in a large income. You +say friends have praised them highly, and you point out that TENNYSON +had to wait years for recognition. Well, you must do the same. You +could not have a better precedent. + +You have a strong grasp of a situation, BENJAMIN, and the scene where +_Uncle Henry_ slips on the butter slide is quite thrilling. But you +must compress a little and avoid certain faults of style. "She hove +a sigh" is wrong; and I do not like "'Pshaw,' he _shouted_"; I do not +think it could be done. I tried myself in my bath and swallowed a lot +of soapy water. Pray be more careful. + +I certainly like to hear from such an enthusiastic reader as WIGWAM. +His idea, of going to a fancy-dress ball dressed in a number of old +copies of _Wopple's Weekly_ is excellent and, if they let him in, +ought to be a great success. I hope he wins the hair comb. As to +his verses I have often seen worse. With a rhyming dictionary (for +rhyming) and an ordinary one (for spelling) WIGWAM should go far. + +ANGELINA'S poem shows a nice domestic feeling which I appreciate. In +these days of Suffragettes it is not every authoress who will say-- + + "I like to see a familiar face + And I think home is a beautiful place." + +But though "mother," as she says, is a very beautiful word it does not +rhyme with "forever." "Other," "brother" and "smother" are the rhymes +that I always recommend. + +LEONIDAS has made a great improvement since I had to speak to him so +severely last spring. _Sly Sarah_ is quite a clever tale, and before +very long LEONIDAS will find himself writing for _Soapy Bits_ and +papers of that calibre. Of this I am sure. His characterization is +strong, his style is redolent of _bravura_ and his general atmosphere +is _fortissimo_. The character of the archdeacon might be improved; +indeed, if LEONIDAS is going to send it to _The Diocesan Monthly_, I +should say it must be improved. Why should he slap _Sarah's_ face? No +reason is given for this, and it is surely a very questionable action. +Human nature may be human nature, but archdeacons are archdeacons. By +the way there is only one _l_ in spoonful. + +HENRY must be careful. This is the third time he has sent me his epic. +There are limits. + +There is not much demand for tales of this description, HOPEFUL. But +as you say you like writing them I do not see who is to prevent you. +If you can get the permission of the local authorities by all means +give a reading at the Home for the Half-Witted. + +I have no doubt CLAPHAM ROVER means well, but he has a lot to learn. +There are no events of any kind in the three tales he sends me. The +only thing that ever happens is that the hero is kicked downstairs. +Even then he lies prostrate in the hall for two days. Surely the maids +might have swept him up. CLAPHAM ROVER must remember the great words +of DEMOSTHENES when he swallowed a pebble on the sea beach: "Action, +action, and again action." He was thinking of lawyers, of course, but +his words have a lesson for us all. + +INGENUOUS is the exact opposite of CLAPHAM ROVER. I rise from his tale +an absolute wreck. "Splash, she was in the river;" "plonk, he was on +the floor;" "whiz, a bullet shot past him." INGENUOUS must really go +more quietly and make a little less noise. Why not write a few essays +on some of our lesser known female didactic writers, or some such +subjects as "People one is surprised to hear that Dr. JOHNSON never +met?" It would do him a lot of good. But above all he must study that +master of Quietism, the incomparable author of _The Woman's Touch_, +_The Silent Preacher_, _Through a College Key-hole_. + +PARSIFAL has pained me very much. He sent me a long poem, and after +I had given him a very detailed criticism I discovered that he had +simply copied out a poem of WORDSWORTH'S familiar to us all from our +earliest childhood. I have lost his address, so I cannot tell him +privately what I think of him, but it was a dirty trick. + +CIUDAD RODRIGO (I don't know why he calls himself that; he writes +from Balham) sends me an essay on GEORGE BORROW. It follows with +great fidelity the line of established fact, never deviating into the +unknown. After reading it I felt that I did not want to hear any more +about GEORGE BORROW for a long time. + +ARRIÈRE PENSÉE, TOOTLES, PONGO and HUGGING: see answer to CIUDAD +RODRIGO. + +I did an injustice to PARNASSIAN in my answer to him last week. Owing +to a misprint I was made to say that "his poems were written" (which +they were not, but typed, and very excellently typed too). What I +meant to say was that his poems were rotten. Sorry. + + * * * * * + +THE MILITANT'S SONG. + + EACH morning, vigorous and bright, + I sing my little song:-- + "If I don't do the thing that's right + I'll do the thing that's wrong." + + And if I chance to miss my aim + By slight miscalculation + I go on singing just the same + With equal exaltation. + + So when I light my little sticks + To burn up "No. 8" + And find I've kindled "No. 6" + My joy is just as great. + + And when my little stones I dash + At windows in a hurry + And hear the corner lamp-post smash + I see no cause to worry. + + And when I take my little whip + To punish "Mr. A." + And find I've made another slip + I giggle out, "Hurray!" + + And under lock and key I trill, + Although my cell's a strong one:-- + "I didn't hit the right man, still + At least I hit the wrong one." + + * * * * * + +Bethnal Green and Leith. + +We are asked to say that some of the best friends of the Government +take a grave view of the acclamations with which the Liberal Press has +been greeting the recent "moral victories" of the Party at the polls. +A few more of these moral victories and the language o£ triumph will, +they fear, be exhausted before an actual victory occurs. + + * * * * * + + "Lord Plymouth's donation of £30,000 completes the purchase of + the Crystal Palace. The shortage was due to Mr. Camberwell's + refusal to contribute, and also to a reduction in Mr. Pinge's + contribution by £15,000." + + _Otago Daily Times._ + +On the other hand we are glad to be in a position to say that Lord +Penge, the Hon. Mrs. Sydenham Hill and the Dowager Lady Dulwich have +behaved most generously. + + * * * * * + + "Respecting Ichthemic Guano, you can make use of my name, as + it is one of the best fertilisers on the market." + + _From a Trade Circular._ + +We should like to know what our old friend Ichthemic Guano has to say +about this. He will not like to hear that anybody else's name competes +with his in the fertilising market. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HOLY ESTATE: AN EX-PARTE VIEW. + +_Her Ladyship._ "SO YOU ARE LEAVING TO GET MARRIED, THOMPSON? I MUST +COME AND SEE YOUR WIFE WHEN YOU ARE COMFORTABLY SETTLED." + +_The Lover._ "THANK YOU, ME LADY. SHE SEEMS A NICE QUIET SORT OF GIRL, +AND I 'AVE HEVERY 'OPE SHE'LL MAKE ME COMFORTABLE."] + + * * * * * + +BELLES LETTRES AND OTHERS. + +Most of us have been startled to observe how very far real life falls +short of the standard of books. The realisation has come home to me +with great force after reading _Whispers of Passion_, a collection of +love-letters by "Amorosa," which I could not refrain from comparing +with certain authentic love-letters (as I suppose I must call them) +which happen to be in my possession. + +What a contrast! What a melancholy contrast! + +Here, for example, is the tender opening of one of "Amorosa's" +efforts: + + "BELOVED,--This morning I saw the sun rise from behind the + grey hills that rampart our secluded vale. Slowly, almost + imperceptibly, as I watched, the sombre robes of the Night + were irradiated and enrosed by the mysterious fires of the + Dawn. And herein, my dear one, I seemed to grasp a deathless + symbol of the awakening of Love between us, the first + slow gilding of our grey lives by the roseate glamour of + romance...." + +And so on. Now read this, taken from one in my own collection treating +of the same subject:-- + + "DEAR WOGGLES,--How _dare_ you hint that I'm lazy? As a matter + of fact I saw the sunrise only this morning, which reminds me + of a story. I daresay you know it already. A small boy decided + to keep a diary, and the first entry he made was: '_1st + January--Got up at 8.15._' His mater objected to this on the + ground that _got up_ was too slangy. 'Look at the sun,' + she said. 'The sun doesn't _get up_; it _rises_.' The same + evening, after the boy had gone to bed, she looked at the + diary again. There was only one other entry: '_Set at 9._' + + Not much of a yarn, is it, Woggles? But still it's good enough + for you...." + +Or consider this beautiful conclusion: + + "... Dear, I am all thine. My soul calls to thee across + the night; the beating of my heart cries through the + darkness--Thine, thine, thine! + + Good night, adored one, good night. + + AMOROSA." + +And contrast it with the following:-- + + "... And now I must dry up or I shan't be in bed by midnight, + and the old man will lose his hair and say I'm ruining my + precious constitution. Ta ta. Be a good infant. + + Yours, + MADGE." + +"Amorosa's" lover appears to have sent her a bracelet, and must have +felt richly repaid when he received this:-- + + "... As I clasped the slender circlet around my wrist I seemed + to hear a voice which said, 'This is pure gold; let your + love be pure. It is an emblem of infinity; let your trust be + infinite. It is a pledge of fidelity; let your faithfulness be + immutable...." + +But this is how Madge expresses herself on a similar occasion:-- + + "... Thanks very much for the bracelet. It seems pretty + decent...." + +Let me give two other extracts which happen to treat of similar +themes. Here is the first:-- + + "... I heard music surging in great waves of divine beauty + from Belnobbio's 'cello, and, magically, wonderfully, it lured + and compelled my thoughts, beloved one, to you. In all those + immortal harmonies I heard your voice; the Master's rapt + features faded into mist, and I saw instead your own grave, + strong face. Tell me, what is this power which can so converge + all beauties to one centre?..." + +And here is the second:-- + + "... I went to hear Kranzer yesterday, and oh, Woggles, I tell + you, he is the edge, the very ultimate edge! I _rave_ over + him day and night. I'm madly, head-over-heels, + don't-know-how-to-express-it in love with him. I'm going to + throw you over and follow him about all round the world, and + whenever I get the chance just lie down and let him wipe his + boots on me. So--resign yourself to it; you'll probably never + see again, + + Your fatally smitten + MADGE." + +Occasionally, it is true, there occurs in these deplorable letters +just a touch of sentiment, but how crudely, how prosaically expressed. +Immediately after the passage quoted above, for instance, I find +this:-- + + "P.S.--Dear old boy, you don't mind when I rag you, do you? + Here's just a teeny-weeny × for you. + M." + +How does "Amorosa" phrase such a sentiment? + + "... My lips cannot touch your lips, but my soul seeks yours, + and in that spiritual embrace there is something of eternity." + + * * * + +And yet, after all---- + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TATTOOER'S ART. + +_Exasperated Backer._ "'IT 'IM CHARLEY; DON'T LOOK AT THEM PICTURES."] + + * * * * * + +GNOMES FOR GOLFERS. + + In April when the cuckoos call + Glue both your optics on the ball. + + In May avoid the water-ouzel + Whose warning note predicts a foozle. + + In Summer when the lies are good + Propel it smartly with the wood. + + In August should the peacock shriek + Renounce the baffy for the cleek; + + But if your stroke becomes too "sclaffy" + Give up the cleek and use the baffy. + + In Autumn when the lies are clammy + Replace the brassie by the "Sammy." + + But when the course is dry and grassy + Replace the "Sammy" by the brassie. + + In Winter when the lies are slimy + Be up or in, or lay a stymie. + + When caddies chatter on the green + Rebuke them, but remain serene. + + But when they hiccough on the tee + Pay them their regulation fee. + + Whene'er you chance to top your drive + Before you speak count twenty-five. + + But if you slice into the rough + Thirty will hardly be enough. + + When beaten by a single putt + You may ejaculate, "Tut, tut." + + But if you're downed at dormy nine + Language affords no anodyne. + + Where frequent pots the green environ + Take turf approaching with the iron. + + No game is lost until it's won; + The duffer may hole out in one. + + If down the course the pill you'd punch + Be careful what you eat at lunch. + + A simple cut from off the joint + May cure your shots to cover-point. + + But lobsters, trifle and champagne + May even prove the plus-man's bane. + + * * * * * + +The Nine St. Denys's. + + "Thereupon the Labour party sang 'The Red Flag,' the deportees + joining in the chorus, bearing their heads during the + singing." + + _South Wales Echo._ + +[Illustration: A DEVOTEE OF "THE DOCTRINE."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + +_House of Lords, Monday, February 23rd._--Temporarily relieved from +thoughts of Ulster or meditations upon Marconi, House gave itself up +to bright debate on question not less attractive because of spice +of personality. Spice acquired additional piquancy since it was not +supposed to be there. Its absence was indeed formally insisted upon. +"Oh no, we never mention him. His name is never heard." All the same, +as debate went forward, names _did_ occur. Glances, furtively shot +from side to side of House, casually rested upon particular seats, +whether empty or occupied. + +SELBORNE introduced subject by moving Resolution condemning principle +that a contribution to Party funds should be a consideration to a +Minister recommending to the Sovereign bestowal of a titular honour. +Subject delicate one to handle. As SELBORNE admitted, WILLOUGHBY DE +BROKE and RIBBLESDALE in succession concurring, it was not a Party +question. Notorious that since the days of Lord NORTH both political +parties are tarred with same brush. Through difficult circumstances +SELBORNE adroitly picked his way in lively speech. Sorely handicapped +by Resolution, the effect of which, even with assistance of other +House, would, as RIBBLESDALE pointed out, be absolutely nil. "In the +end," he said, "both Houses would be only expressing a pious, almost a +Pharisaical opinion." + +This conceded, the Lords, having no work to do, might have done much +worse than devote sitting to breezy debate. + +WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE at his best in his enunciation of principles upon +which, were he dispenser of honours in the Radical camp, he would +choose his peers. Whilst taking broad view of case on eugenic +principles, he would be inclined to make selection in favour of +childless candidates. + +"The sons of newly-created Radical peers are," he shrewdly remarked, +"almost certain to be Tories, while a Radical grandson of a Radical +peer is a phenomenon never seen." + +Incidentally the bold Baron took occasion to remark that his own title +was conferred upon an ancestor in reward for active part taken in +placing the Tudor dynasty on the throne. Some noble lords, whose +patent to peerage is of rather more recent date, whilst agreeing +generally with his views, thought this remark superfluous. Why drag in +the Tudors? + +WILLOUGHBY'S graphic account of an interview with the agent of a +moneyed applicant for honours was capped by RIBBLESDALE, who confided +to listening Senate particulars of occasions when, as a Whip he had +from time to time been "approached." + +MILNER, shocked by what he regarded as frivolity, proposed to treat +the subject "with a slight approach to seriousness." Proposal cast a +blight over proceedings which were hurried to conclusion. + +_Business done._--SELBORNE'S Resolution agreed to with verbal +amendment. + +[Illustration: _Lord CREWE (to Lord SELBORNE on his way to the Debate +on the Sale of Honours)._ "I trust we shall have no stone-throwing." + +_Lord SELBORNE._ "I'm entirely with you. Too much stained-glass about, +what?"] + +_House of Commons, Tuesday._--Resemblance of House of Commons to the +sea never more strikingly illustrated than at to-night's sitting. For +five hours and a half deadliest calm reigned. Benches less than +half full. Questions droned through appointed period. House got into +Committee of Supply on Civil Service estimates. Votes for Colonial +Service offered occasion for debate on Camel Corps disaster in +Somaliland last August. LULU defended in detail the policy and action +of his department. At half-past eight, talk still dragging slow length +along, he moved closure. Division on proposal to reduce the estimate, +equivalent to vote of censure, ran Government majority up to 125. + +Suddenly scene changed. It was the mid-dinner hour, period at which +House is as a rule dismally empty. The four-hundred-and-seventy +Members who had taken part in the division, instead of fleeing in +accordance with custom as if fire had broken out, made for their +seats, whence rose the buzz of excited talk that presages a tempest. + +The miracle was worked by Ulster. FALLE, having by favour of fortune +at ballot-box secured portion of sitting as Private Member's property, +moved Resolution calling upon PRIME MINISTER, forthwith to submit +to House his proposals for alteration of Government of Ireland Bill. +Opposition mustered in support. Ministerialists whipped up to last +man. When, following mover and seconder of Resolution, PREMIER +appeared at the table he was welcomed by shout of exultant cheering. +Significant contrast with his reception when, a fortnight earlier, +he stood in same place and seemed inclined to dally with proposal for +exclusion of Ulster. Instinctively, or through whispered information, +Ministerialists knew he was now, as they put it, "going straight." + +Their most sanguine expectation justified. PREMIER in fine fighting +form. + +"Gentlemen opposite," he scornfully said, "seem to think we here can +be likened to a beleaguered garrison, driven by the stress of warfare +into an untenable position with failing supplies, with exhausted +ammunition, with shaken nerves, and that it is for them, the minority +of this House, to dictate the terms of capitulation that are to +determine whether we are to be allowed to surrender with or without +the honours of war." + +That sufficed to indicate his position. Whilst disclosure increased +enthusiasm on Ministerial side it correspondingly inflamed passion on +benches opposite. + +There was an anxious moment when fisticuffs seemed imminent across the +table in close proximity to shocked Mace. CARSON making interruption +(one of a continuous series), PREMIER thought it was WALTER LONG, and +severely enjoined him to restrain himself. LONG hotly retorted that he +had not spoken. Angry cheers and counter-cheers resounded in opposing +camps. PREMIER, accepting assurance of his mistake, apologised. +Fisticuffs postponed. + +Warned by experience, PREMIER took no notice when MOORE OF ARMAGH +shouted, "Why do you funk a General Election?" or when later he +received from same source disclaimer of belief in his sincerity; +or when another Ulster Member characterised forceful passage in his +speech as "Tomfoolery." + +Fresh roar of cheering broke over excited host of Ministerialists +when by way of last word PREMIER declared, "We are not going at the +eleventh hour to betray a great cause." + +_Business done._--Proverbially swift descent from sublime to +ridiculous. Demand of Opposition for instant disclosure of Ministerial +plan altering Home Rule Bill met by Amendment from Liberal side +declaring confidence in Government. This carried by majority of 73. +When put as substantial Resolution eleven o'clock had struck. No +opposed business may be taken after that hour. House accordingly +forthwith adjourned. Record of night's business in Journals of House +prepared for perusal of posterity is comprehended in word "That----" + +_Thursday._--House puzzled by question on Paper standing in name of +H. P. CROFT. Member for Christchurch desires "to ask the Secretary of +State for the Colonies whether he has received petitions in favour of +immediate legislation dealing with imported plumage through all or any +of the Prime Ministers of the States of Australia." + +How, why and under what circumstances plumage should be "imported +through" Prime Ministers of the Australian Commonwealth no one can +guess. Generally agreed that, if such painful procedure actually +be the Colonial custom, prohibitive legislation cannot be too soon +undertaken. + +SYDNEY HOLLAND, for many years the prop and stay of the London +Hospital, has taken his seat in the House of Lords on accession to the +Viscountcy of Knutsford. Apart from hereditary claim, he is the ideal +type of the class of peer whom reformers on both sides look to for +restoration of the prestige and usefulness of the Upper Chamber. +Nevertheless it is hoped he will not give up to Westminster what was +meant for mankind--the splendid devotion of capacity and energy to the +service of the sick poor of London. + +_Business done._--In Committee on Supplementary Estimates. + + * * * * * + +The New Matrimonial Insurance. + + "HUSBAND INSURED AWAY." + + "_Daily Mail" Heading._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Gentlemen opposite seem to think we here can be +likened to a beleaguered garrison, driven by the stress of warfare +into an untenable position."--_Mr. ASQUITH in the debate on Mr. +FALLE'S resolution._] + + * * * * * + +The Land Campaign once more. + + "Large Foot Path, very strong, reduced to 6s. 11d., less than + half-price." + + _Advt. in "The Accrington Observer._" + + * * * * * + + "Are we not having just a little too much London? A glance + over our rapidly growing fixture list suggests that the + predominance of the great Metrolopis in matters of golfing is + becoming rather too pronounced."--_Golfing._ + +It's not fair to the privonces. + + * * * * * + + "Members of the Chicago Bachelor Girls' Club, who number sixty + at present, say they must receive affirmative answers to this + list of questions before they will marry: + + ... Have you bad habits, such as drinking or smoking to + excess?..."--_Daily Mirror._ + +"The answer is in the affirmative." + +"Then I am yours." + + * * * * * + +A SIGN OF DECAY. + +(_A bull recently got into a china shop, but was coaxed out before any +damage was done._) + + WE cut but a decadent figure; + Our virtues grow sickly and pale; + Our forefathers' valour and vigour + Live only in poem and tale; + Our thews are beginning to soften; + No more are we sturdy and hard; + These facts have been often and often + Explained to the bard. + + But still to despondent repining + He never consented to yield; + For comfort amid our declining + He looked to the beasts of the field; + Though others grew haggard with grief, he + Maintained a refusal to quake + So long as our bulls remained beefy + And a steak _was_ a steak. + + But now there _is_ cause to repine, a + Dread portent of what to expect: + A bull has got loose in the china + And nothing, no, nothing's been wrecked. + Where fragments were wont to be scattered + Like forest leaves under a gale + Not even a saucer was shattered + By a flick of the tail. + + Oh, say, can this care for the teacup + Proclaim that the common decay + Is busting the bovine physique up + And hasting the horrible day + When the bard, too, must take up the story + That the halo of England grows dim, + Since the beef, whence she gathered her glory, + Is void of its vim? + + * * * * * + +Honours Easy. + + "£25 Reward. Lost, either at Folkestone Harbour or from a + Pullman Car, a Gentleman's Fur Coat, lined with minx." + + _Morning Post._ + + * * * * * + + "Miss Trenerry, wearing a coat of rose charmeuse, with + white fur collar, and several gentlemen."--_Express and Echo + (Exeter)._ + + * * * * * + + "Young Man requires board and lodging in Carshalton; hot and + cold bath preferred." + + _The Herald (Sutton)._ + +He can't have it both ways at once. + + * * * * * + + "At the Gare de Lyon this afternoon Rolland was welcomed by + General de Castelnau, who embraced him and took his arm to the + buffet of the station, where a reception was held."--_Daily + Telegraph._ + +General DE CASTELNAU. "_Donnez-le un nom._" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy (his first visit to Madame Tussaud's)._ "MUMMY, +CAN'T THAT MAN TALK EITHER?"] + + * * * * * + +THE TELEPHONE AGAIN. + +TING-A-LING. + +_Patient Subscriber._ Hullo. + +_Gruff Voice._ Are you Bond and Lapel? + +_Patient Subscriber._ I'm afraid you've got the wrong number. We're +Gerrard 932041. The Society for the Prevention of Wet Feet amongst the +Genteel Poor. + + * * * * * + +Ting-a-ling. + +_Same Patient Subscriber._ Hullo. + +_Same Gruff Voice._ Bond and Lapel? + +_S. P. S._ No, they've given you the wrong number again. We're +Gerrard 932041. Ring off, please. + + * * * * * + +Ting-a-ling. + +_S. P. S._ Hullo. + +_S. G. V._ Bond and Lapel? I'm Major---- + +_S. P. S._ My dear Sir, will you believe me that we're _not_ Bond and +Lapel? We're Gerrard 9-3-2-0-4-1. Don't let me have to speak to you +again, there's a good fellow. + + * * * * * + +Ting-a-ling. + +_Exchange._ You're thr-r-r-rough. + + _S. G. V._} Hullo. + _S. P. S._} + +_S. G. V._ Bond and Lapel, dammit! I want----Don't you "tut" me, Sir. +I TELL YOU YOU ARE. + +_S. P. S._ Oh, all right. Well, what can I do for you? + +_S. G. V._ EH? + +_S. P. S._ I said, What can I do for you? + +_S. G. V._ I'm Major Smith. I want you to make me---- + +_S. P. S._ Marjorie who? Speak up, please. + +_S. G. V._ MAJOR, M-A-J-O-R, MAJOR. MAJOR SMITH. CAN YOU HEAR THAT? I +WANT YOU TO MAKE ME A BLUE SERGE SUIT BY TO-MORROW WEEK. + +_S. P. S._ A little louder.... That's better. If you'll wait a moment +I'll just jot down your measurements. + +_S. G. V._ Measurements! What the----! I'm Major Smith. + +_S. P. S._ Hold the line a moment and I'll see if we have them. Are +you holding on?... Hullo. Major Smith, you said? Sorry, but the fact +is we've got two Major Smiths on our books. Would you kindly tell me +which one you are? + +_S. G. V._ I'm Major--Smith--of--3--Mecklington--Gardens--Kensington. + +_S. P. S._ Oh, yes. Close to the Oval. + +_S. G. V._ KENS-S-SINGTON! + +_S. P. S._ Oh, Kensington with an "s." Yes. I know. Well now, how +would you like it made? Will you have the trousers to match? We're +doing a very smart line in buff canary trouserings, just---- + +_S. G. V._ I said A BLUE SERGE SUIT, Sir! + +_S. P. S._ Sorry. I was thinking of the other Major Smith. Then we'll +say trousers to match. Yes, I've got that. Do you wear them turned up +or down? Down. Trousers turned down and sleeves turned up. No, both +down. Yes. Now what about box pleats? Shall we say box pleats? + +_S. G. V._ Don't you put any of your new-fangled dodges on _my_ +clothes, young man, because I won't have it. + +_S. P. S._ _No_ box pleats. I'll make a special note of it. Then +to-morrow fortnight without fail. + +_S. G. V._ To-morrow WEEK. And if you don't send that dress suit of +mine by six to-night---- + +_S. P. S._ Dress suit? Dress suit? What dress suit? This is the first +I've heard of any dress suit. + +_S. G. V._ WHAT? + +_S. P. S._ It can't be done, old chap. You'll have to borrow one for +to-night. + +_S. G. V._ Y-y-you insolent p-puppy. P-put me through to the manager. +AT once. + +_S. P. S._ Thanks so much. Then I'll put you down for a subscription. +The Society for the Prevention of Wet Feet amongst the Genteel Poor, +you know. + +_S. G. V._ ----! ----! ----! (Biff ... bang ... ting-a-ling ... +buz-z-z-z-z-z.) + +_S. P. S._ Exchange. + +_Exchange._ Number, please. + +_S. P. S._ Put me through to the Repairs Department.... Oh, Repairs +Department. I'm ringing up on behalf of Major Smith, of 3, Mecklington +Gardens, Kensington. Send someone round at once, please. His telephone +has burst. + + * * * * * + + "ST. PAUL'S. + + £70,000 WANTED FOR THE FABRIC." + + _Standard._ + +Another chance for Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY. + + * * * * * + +THE WEDDING PRESENT. + +"At last," I said, putting down my newspaper, "there is hope for +England. Here is a man who announces his approaching marriage and +hopes that wedding presents will not be sent." + +"Pooh," said the lady of the house. + +"Why," said I, "do you say 'pooh'?" + +"Because," she said, "it's not a bit of good hoping for anything of, +the sort. You might just as well abolish weddings at once. People +won't go to one unless they have a chance of seeing their own present +and admiring it so much that the detective begins to suspect them." + +"Yes," I said, "isn't the detective splendid? Nobody ever fails +to spot him, and yet there he is every time, firmly convinced +that everybody takes him for the bridegroom's uncle or the bride's +godfather by a former marriage, or something of that sort. I really do +feel I couldn't do without the detective." + +"There you are," she said. "You can't have the detective without the +presents." + +"Very well," I said, "we'll let presents go on a bit longer and chance +it." + +"And don't you forget," she said firmly, "that you've got to choose a +present for George Henderson to-day." + +"George Henderson?" I said dreamily. "Do you think George Henderson +_wants_ a present? Isn't he the sort which 'hopes that wedding +presents will not be sent'? I've always felt he had a look in his eye +which said, 'Dear old chap, I shall be married some day.--Whatever you +do, don't send me a present.' Haven't you felt that about him, too?" + +"No," she said, "I haven't. In fact George has always seemed to me +the very man for a present. And now he's going to be married. It's the +chance of a lifetime." + +"Well, then," I said, "if you feel like that _you_ ought to buy the +present. You'll do it better. You'll put more real feeling into it." + +"That may be," she said, "but you 're going to London, and I'm not. +You'll have to do it this time." + +"Oh, very well," I said; "have it your own way; but I warn you I shall +buy silver candlesticks." + +The two elder girls, who had been listening with eager interest, now +broke in. + +"Dad," said Helen to Rosie, "is going to try for his old +candlesticks." + +"Yes," said Rosie; "but you'll see he won't be allowed." + +"Cease, babblers," I said. "In earlier and less conjugal days no +wedding was considered complete without my silver candlesticks. It was +all so simple, too. I called at Gillingham's, wrote out a card, gave +an address, and away went the present. And what's more, they all wrote +back and said it was the one thing they had been longing for." + +"Oh," said the lady of the house, "they'll write like that about +anything. At any rate, we won't have candlesticks. They're quite +useless now, you know. Nobody has candles." + +"And that," I said, "is what makes candlesticks so valuable. There's +nothing base and utilitarian about them. They are appreciated for +their beauty, and there's an end of them. Do, do let me buy a pair for +George Henderson." + +"No," she said; "the whole of the rest of the silversmith's art is +open to you, but we will _not_ have candlesticks." + +"I told you so," said Rosie to Helen. + +In the afternoon, accordingly, I wandered into the establishment of +Messrs. Gillingham, jewellers, goldsmiths and silversmiths, and +heaven knows what besides. For a few moments I steeped myself in the +glittering magnificence of the objects displayed around me. Then +a polite and very well-dressed young man--not my usual one, but a +stranger--spoke to me. + +"Are you being attended to, Sir?" he said. + +"No," I said, "not yet. I'm not quite ready for it. Still, I may as +well begin." + +"Yes, Sir." + +"What," I said, pointing to a diamond tiara, "is the price of that?" + +Two ladies who were making a purchase turned round and gazed at me +with an awe-struck but approving look. The young man was evidently +much impressed. + +"That," he said, "is one of our newest designs. The stones are all +specially selected. The price"--he studied the little tag attached to +it--"the price is £1,050; very cheap for the value." + +"It is," I said, "wonderfully cheap. I can't think how you manage to +do it. I will think about it. In the meantime I should like to see +something smaller and not quite so valuable." + +"Is it a wedding present, Sir?" + +"Don't," I said, "let us call it a wedding present just yet." If we +do it's sure to turn out a sugar-sifter. Let's think of it as a mere +gift." + +"Yes, Sir." + +"Of course we may find that the man to whom we're going to give it is +about to be married, but that will be only the long arm, won't it?" + +"The--I beg your pardon, Sir;" + +"A coincidence, you know; and we're not the men to be put off by +coincidences, are we?" + +"No, Sir. Would you like to see the manager, Sir?" + +"No," I said, "the manager would only confuse me. Show me some silver +inkstands and some sugar-jugs--I mean some claret-sifters--that is, +some silver decanters, you know, and some silver fruit-baskets." + +"Yes, Sir." He went away and returned with an inkstand. + +"This," he said, "is a very favourite pattern. It combines a large +inkpot and a match-stand and a rack for the pens----" + +"I know," I said; "they never stay in it." + +"No, Sir. And there's a little candlestick for sealing-wax----" + +"I'll have it," I said feverishly. "Put it aside for me at once. This +is really a most remarkable piece of luck." + +"Yes, Sir. Anything else?" + +"Yes," I said. "I'll have a sugar-sifter, too. Any sugar-sifter will +do. I'm only doing it as a concession." + +"Yes, Sir. Where shall I send them?" + +I gave the address with great gusto, and when I reported the result +of my labours at home I said nothing about the little candlestick. The +mere joy of having bought it was enough for me. Thus George Henderson +received from us his fifth inkstand and his seventh sugar-sifter. He +wrote and said that they were the two things he had most been wishing +for. + + R. C. L. + + * * * * * + + "He looked at her with infinite gentleness. 'I know all about + it,' he said. + + She covered her face with her hands and cried brokenly. But, + coming closer, he put both hands on her shoulders, and lifted + her tea-stained face to his."--_Tasmanian Courier Annual._ + +Tea merchants are invited to compete for the advertisement. + + * * * * * + + "Hodgkins, however; drew ahead, and finally won as stated, + the scores being: Hodgkins, 400; Sunderland, 367. The winner's + best breaks were 24 and 17 (twice), and the doser's 32, 25, + and 20." + + _Sporting Life._ + +He should have made the dose stronger. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dog Pincher (to possible purchaser)._ "I WOULDN'T SELL +'IM FOR FIFTY QUID, ONLY THEY DON'T ALLOW NO DAWGS IN OUR FLATS AT +MALLABY MANSIONS."] + + * * * * * + +FARES. + +"Is that you, Herbert?" I said in surprise. + +It was. + +Strange how machinery can influence a man. The last time I had seen +Herbert he was a rubicund cheerful gardener. He was now a London +taxi-driver, with all the signs of that mystery on him: the +shabbiness, the weariness, the disdain. + +"Are you glad you gave up gardening?" I asked him. + +"Can't say I am now," he replied. "There's more money in this, but the +work's too hard. I miss my sleep, too." + +"You can always go back," I said. + +"I wonder," he replied. "I'd like to. This being at every one's beck +and call who happens to have a shilling is what I'm tired of." + +"What about tips?" I asked. + +"I get plenty of them," he said. "In fact, if the clock registers +tenpence or one and fourpence or one and tenpence I practically always +get the odd twopence. That's all right. It's the people who don't want +to tip but daren't not do it that I can't stand. And there are such +lots of them. That's what makes taxi-drivers look so contemptuous +like--the tips. People think we want the tips; but there's a time when +we'd rather go without them than get them like that." + +I sympathised with him. + +"Then there are the fares who always know a quicker way than we do. +They're terrors. They keep on tapping on the glass to direct us, when +we know all about it all the time. It's them that leads to some of the +accidents, because they take your eyes off the road." + +I sympathised again and made some mental notes for future behaviour +myself. + +"But the pedestrians are the worst," he continued. + +"The pedestrians?" + +"Yes, the people who walk across the road without giving a thought to +the fact that there might be a vehicle coming. The people that never +learn. The people that call you names or make faces at you after +you've saved their silly lives by blowing the hooter at them. Every +minute of the day one is having trouble with them, and it gets on +one's nerves. It's them that makes a taxi-driver look old sooner than +a woman." + +"So you'll go back to the land?" I said. + +"I don't know," he said. "I'd like to, but petrol gets into the blood, +you know." + +I suppose it does. + + * * * * * + + "Dr. Grenfell remarked that the tourist traffic [to Labrador] + was beginning to grow. Life in winter was very attractive, and + was enjoyed as people enjoyed winter in Norway. One of his + few personal reminiscences was how he fell through the ice and + expected to be frozen to death."--_Manchester Guardian._ + +Us for Labrador, every time. + + * * * * * + +Paragraph in a petition addressed to a Government official by a Baboo +who wished to protest against the conduct of another Baboo:-- + + "His hatred of me is so much that in the heat of his animosity + he wilfully omitted to put in the formal ephithet 'Mr.' to my + name, which no man of honour would drop because not so much + for disregarding me, but that he would be doing injustice to + the European etiquette." + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"THE LAND OF PROMISE." + +"I'M about fed up with God's Own Country," says the waster in the play, +a youth who, after exchanging a safe thousand a year at Bridge for the +dangerous delights of "Chemin-de-fer," had been invited by a stern sire +to migrate to Canada. And even so he had not been present during the +Third Act to see the things that we saw, or he would have learnt some +more discouraging facts which are never mentioned in the philosophy of +the emigration-agents; for example, that the solitude and wide spaces of +the Golden West seem to induce, even in the honest native worker, a +reversion to the state of a dragon of the prime. But he had already +seen, in the case of _Norah Marsh_, whom poverty had driven to seek the +shelter of her brother's roof on a Manitoba farm, how the drudgery and +petty jealousies of a narrow Colonial _ménage_, the familiar society of +hired hands, and the lack of life's common amenities, had developed a +gently-bred Englishwoman into a sour-tongued shrew. + +Worse was to follow when, as a sole escape from the bitter spite +of her plebeian hostess, she consented to marry a barbarian who was +looking for a woman-of-all-work to manage his primitive shack. Here, +having already mislaid her feminine charm, she loses all sense of +honesty. First, when ordered to do her household duties--which were of +the essence of the contract--she declines to obey till he uses brute +force; and then, when he demands of her the attitude of a wife (a +very embarrassing scene), she protests that this was no part of the +bargain. + +I can't imagine what she supposed the bargain was about, if it didn't +require her to be either wife or servant. + +Terrorism was the man's simple solution; but those who looked, in the +last Act, for a tamed and adoring shrew were to be disappointed. Brute +force had only produced a patient obedience; and it was not till a +damaged crop had brought them to the edge of ruin that she consented +to become his ministering angel. But by that time we knew too well +her distaste for Manitoban methods to believe in the sincerity of this +sudden conversion. + +Altogether, after what Mr. MAUGHAM has done to my illusions, I have +given up any thought of going to God's Own Country in search of a +larger existence. + +The acting was perhaps better than the play, though the play was good +up to a point. The Second Act, with its fierce jealousy and wrangling +and the futile efforts of the farmer (admirably played by Mr. C. V. +FRANCE) to intervene between wife and sister, was excellent. For the +rest, it was the personality of Mr. GODFREY TEARLE, as the savage +mate of the shrew, that dominated the scene. There is no better +rough diamond (and he was really very rough) in the whole stock of +stage-jewellery. Miss IRENE VANBRUGH, though no actress could have +done more with her part, had less chance than usual of showing +her particular gift of _finesse_; and _Norah's_ character was too +inconsistent to command our sympathy. Not that we necessarily gave it +to the man. Indeed it was a flaw in the play that our sympathies were +never thoroughly engaged by either party. We were, of course, prepared +to range ourselves on the winning side, but there was no victory. The +issue was decided by _force majeure_ in the shape of a wretched weed +that destroyed the crop. + +[Illustration: _Extract from "The Prentice (Manitoba) Post"_:--"The +wedding was quite an impromptu affair, the happy pair going straight +to Mr. Taylor's shack, where they are spending the honeymoon quietly." + + _Norah_ Miss IRENE VANBRUGH. + _Frank Taylor_ Mr. GODFREY TEARLE.] + +The situations, though of a rather strenuous order, gave occasion from +time to time for humorous relief. At first, when the English servant +in the opening Act rudely interposed with a facetious comment on the +sincerity of the grief of certain mourners, I feared lest the humour +was going to be distributed loosely without regard to the propriety +of its mouthpiece. But the rest was reasonable enough; and my only +complaint about the best repartee ("There's no place like home." "Some +people are glad there isn't") has to do with its antiquity rather than +with its appropriateness. + +I have never been to Manitoba (and, after seeing _The Land of +Promise_, I am definitely resolved, as I said, never to go), so I +cannot say whether Mr. MAUGHAM'S interiors corresponded to the facts; +but their freedom from any signs of picturesqueness gave them an +air of being the right thing. Life in these parts no doubt revolves +largely round the simple joys of the stomach. Seldom have I seen so +much eating on the stage. We began at Tunbridge Wells with a funeral +tea (though perhaps I ought to pass this over as taking place outside +the Dominion); then as soon as we get to Dyer (Manitoba) we had a +mid-day dinner, with washing-up; and then at Prentice (Manitoba) we +were regaled with a supper of black tea and syrup. + +I am confident that there is a great opening for drama dealing +solely with Life Between Meals. To see people smoking on the stage is +sufficiently irritating; but, when you are assisting at a First Night +after a sketchy repast from the grill, all this feeding on the stage, +however frugal the menu, makes for exasperation. + +Finally I must compliment Mr. MAUGHAM on his ironical title. For his +play, too, is a thing "of promise" rather than achievement, if it +is to be judged by the test of the Last Act. Still, if a play only +promises well enough and long enough--as this play did--that is an +achievement in itself. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +THE TORTOISESHELL CAT. + + THE tortoiseshell cat + She sits on the mat, + As gay as a sunflower she; + In orange and black you see her blink, + And her waistcoat's white, and her nose is pink, + And her eyes are green of the sea. + But all is vanity, all the way; + Twilight's coming and close of day, + And every cat in the twilight's grey, + Every possible cat. + + The tortoiseshell cat + She is smooth and fat, + And we call her Josephine, + Because she weareth upon her back + This coat of colours, this raven black, + This red of the tangerine. + But all is vanity, all the way; + Twilight follows the brightest day, + And every cat in the twilight's grey, + Every possible cat. + + * * * * * + +The Thrusters. + + "The Ball given by the Ministry of Communications last night + in the new Waichiaopu Building was a great success in every + way. Although only 1,500 invitations were sent out, more + than that number of guests attended the Ball."--_Peking Daily + News._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN THE ALMOST CERTAIN PROSPECT OF A STORMY SESSION, WHY +NOT ADOPT THE "TERRACE" SYSTEM AS NOW USED AT THE ZOO?] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +I think I could best convey my impression of Miss ETHEL SIDGWICK'S +work by quoting the advertisement of a popular magazine which used to +proclaim that "these stories are different." All of Miss SIDGWICK'S +are this, though you might possibly be hard put to it to say exactly +how. It is chiefly an affair of style; there is about all of them +a certain dignity of utterance that combines with their humanity to +produce an effect wholly individual and rare. Take her latest example, +_A Lady of Leisure_ (SIDGWICK AND JACKSON). There is really very +little to arrest attention in the story itself; the characters are +persons whom you could meet every day, but in Miss SIDGWICK'S hands +they become creatures of extraordinary fascination. The result is a +novel by no means easy to criticise; partly because one is left with +the feeling (of course the most subtle compliment to any author) that +the characters have fashioned it themselves. Time and again one +seems to observe Miss SIDGWICK working towards some inevitable +_scène-à-faire_, when bounce! off go her people on an entirely +unexpected tack, which you must yet admit to be the very one they +quite obviously would follow. Never was a cast so incalculably alive. +Naturally for this reason its vagaries (they are almost all in love +and generally with the wrong person) would take too long to recount +in detail. I can only state my personal preference for the group that +consists of the heroine, _Violet Ashwin_, her father, the fashionable +physician, and her brainless but quite wonderful mother. I plump for +the _Ashwin_ household in short as a really brilliant contribution +to the homes in modern fiction. I don't say you will find their charm +easy of assimilation. The society of such clever and elusive folk as +_Violet_ and her father is bound to be hard going at first for +the general. But _Mrs. Ashwin_--oh, she is a joy, a marvel, an +exasperation! You will delight to read about her. + + * * * * * + +The first thing I have to say about _Initiation_ (HUTCHINSON) is that +it might have been written by Dr. CLIFFORD. The nice people in it +are all Roman Catholics, but a group of Huguenots or of Calvinistic +Methodists would have served the author's purpose equally well. For +ROBERT HUGH BENSON, the novelist, has (so to speak) told Monsignor +BENSON, the priest, to mind his own business, and leave him to +his, which is the telling of a story, and not the advocacy of any +particular form of religion. The second point to notice in the book is +that it divides its characters, and incidentally all characters, into +those who are initiated and those who are not. The initiated are those +who have learnt, chiefly by suffering, the lesson of life, which +is that it treats us as it likes. Because they have learnt it, +they trust, even when they do not understand, the purpose of the +life-giver; because they trust they do not kick against the pricks. +The young Catholic English gentleman, of whose initiation the story +tells, suffers prodigiously under two of the greatest misfortunes, +physical and mental, that a man may endure and live. And yet, when he +comes to die, you feel, and he knows, that they are not misfortunes, +but the opening up of the way of life. The chief cause of his mental +suffering, a young girl of eighteen or nineteen, is described (well on +in the book) as a practically insane egoist. She is, to my mind, the +weak spot in the story. Frankly I don't believe in her. A girl of her +age could not have been so selfishly cruel, and yet have taken in her +world as she did. I will own that she took me in at first; but that +was the author's fault. He ought not to have let me, as his reader, +think her charming and particularly sympathetic when he knew all the +time that she cared for no one but herself. I don't think that is +playing the game. All the I same, I like his book. + + * * * * * + +Having read Mr. REGINALD BLUNT'S book, _In Cheyne Walk and Thereabout_ +(MILLS AND BOON), I am now prepared to pass an examination in the +history and the worthies (or unworthies) of Chelsea. I know that +DON SALTERO was no Spaniard, but an ardent collector of childish +curiosities who for a time kept a coffee-house and a smoking club of +which "the ornaments and apparatus" were eventually offered to CHARLES +LAMB. If I am asked about Dr. MESSENGER MONSEY I shall say that he +"tried hard, but with indifferent success, to popularise his own +method of extracting teeth by tying one end of a piece of catgut to +the offending molar and the other to a perforated bullet, putting the +latter with a full charge of powder into a revolver and then pulling +the trigger." Then again there is BARTHOLOMEW JOSEPH ALEXANDER DE +DOMINICETI, Lord DE CETE ET DE CORTESI, Knight of the Holy Boman +Empire and Noble of Venice in terra firma. How did he with his +resounding name come to be in Chelsea and there establish "baths, +fumigatory stoves and sweating chambers" for the relief of distressed +humanity? This question and a hundred others of a similar nature you +will find answered in Mr. BLUNT'S delightful book. Let Mr. BLUNT take +you by the hand and guide you through his beloved Chelsea. He is +the most urbane and the most agreeably gossiping companion. He will +re-introduce you to Sir THOMAS MORE, Sir HANS SLOANE; to NEILD, the +prison-reformer, and his son JOHN, the famous miser; to the CARLYLES +and their servant JESSIE HEDDLESTONE, and a host of others. And he +will remind you that Dr. JOHNSON endeavoured to manufacture Chelsea +china, and that his _chefs d'oeuvre_ always collapsed in the firing. +Take my advice and acquire Mr. BLUNT'S book. + + * * * * * + +I suspect that _Mr. Simpson_, who gives his name to the story +_Simpson_ (METHUEN), can hardly have shared my own exhausting +acquaintance with modern fiction, otherwise it is unlikely that he +would have behaved as he did. What happened was this. _Simpson_, +though on the wrong side of forty, well off and eminently lovable, was +unmarried. Finding a charming old house in the country, he conceives +the idea of renting it as a kind of bachelor residential club where he +and other congenial cronies can enjoy the life of ease untroubled +by any form of feminism. Well, that, to start with, one might fairly +describe as "asking for it." But when I add that the old house in +question was the property of a still young and charming widow you will +probably agree with me that poor _Simpson_ hadn't even a dog's chance +from the beginning. It is possible that this fore-dooming may a little +spoil your enjoyment of Miss ELINOR MORDAUNT'S otherwise pleasant +tale. Naturally, so far from women being banished from its pages, +they simply abound; and the tale of the progress of the bachelor club +resolves itself into a chronicle of proposals. There is however an +attractive variety about the love affairs, of which I liked best +that of the youngest couple. With two there is a note of tragedy; +and though the courtship of _Gilbert Strong_, a respectable country +lawyer, and the wild gipsy whom he marries may strike you as +fantastic, the end of their romance is well told with a fine +suggestion of inevitability. On the whole an agreeable and easy-going +tale, though without any unusual claim to distinction. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IT WAS AN AMBITIOUS YOUTH WHO, WHILE TRAVELLING ON +THE CONTINENT, WAS OFFERED THE CROWN OF ONE OF THE SMALLER STATES AND +REFUSED IT, SAYING, HE "DISLIKED THESE BLIND-ALLEY OCCUPATIONS."] + + * * * * * + +I quite realise that I have not the shadow of a case against Mr. +ALGERNON BLACKWOOD. He frankly calls his book _Ten Minute Stories_ +(MURRAY), and that is exactly what they are. Nevertheless I did feel +a little aggrieved when each of them stopped with a jerk just as I +had become absorbed. One has a sense of having been cheated of one's +rights. That is why, though many of these sketches are as good as +they can be, I do not think that the book will be quite so popular +as others of his. But devout Blackwoodsmen will add it to their +collections and re-read the majority of its contents again and again, +as I propose to do. On second thoughts, indeed, I may say that perhaps +Mr. BLACKWOOD is not so unfair to his public as I have suggested, +for he is one of those writers who are not dead and done with after a +first perusal. He can pack a vast deal of food for thought even into +a ten-minute story. A good example of what I mean is to be found +in number fifteen of the collection, "Ancient Lights." Even a +scene-shifter at the Savoy Theatre would believe in fairies after one +reading of that. And if, after studying "If the Cap Fits," you lightly +steal a fellow-member's hat from your club, I shall regard you as a +very reckless dashing fellow. With the awful example of _Field-Martin_ +before me, I would not do it for a fortune. I shall buy one of those +frightful plush hats which you see in shops but never out of them, and +I shall have my name in large letters on the inside band. And to the +hat-waiter's insidious "This is just as good, Sir," as he offers +me some sinister bowler or topper with a past, I shall reply with +gestures of disgust and threats to write to the committee. + + * * * * * + + "Detached 7-roomed horse wanted."--_The Norbury Weekly News._ + +Where is your one-stalled ox now? + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's Note: + +Page 161: 'Deutches' is as printed. Alternative spelling (Wikipedia) + + "Herr REINHARDT'S Deutches Theater" + +Page 174: 'beleagured' corrected to 'beleaguered'. + + "likened to a beleaguered garrison," + +Page 174: 'lose' corrected to 'loose'. + +"A bull has got loose in the china" + + Page 174: 'privonces' is as printed. (A 'Punch' joke: Metrolopis). + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +146, March 4th 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 38794-8.txt or 38794-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/7/9/38794/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/38794-8.zip b/38794-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f42900a --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-8.zip diff --git a/38794-h.zip b/38794-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..45b39cd --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h.zip diff --git a/38794-h/38794-h.htm b/38794-h/38794-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..546c4a7 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/38794-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3345 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, March 4th 1914.</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + .ind {margin-left: 2em; margin-right: 2em;} + .indrl {margin-left: 2em; margin-right: 2em;} + .ind1 {margin-left: 5em; margin-right: 5em;} + .ind2 {margin-left: 8em; margin-right: 5em;} + .ind3 {margin-left: 30%;} + .ind4 {margin-left: 25%; margin-top: -1em;} + .right {text-align: right; margin-right: 2em;} + .outdent {text-align: left; margin-left: -2em;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + blockquote {text-align: justify; font-size: 0.9em; margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%;} + .block {text-align: justify; font-size: 0.95em; margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 10%;} + .sans {font-family: sans-serif;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + span.oes {font-family: "old english text", "script mt bold", serif; font-size: 1.2em; font-weight: bold;} + .center {text-align: center;} + .center1 {text-align: center; font-size: 0.9em;} + .center2 {text-align: center; margin-left: 25%; margin-right: 25%; padding-bottom: 1em;} + .left {float: left; text-align: left;} + .right {float: right; text-align: right;} + table {padding-bottom: 1em; clear: both;} + td.left1 {font-size: 1em; text-align: left; padding-left: 0.5em;} + td.bigbrace {font-size: 2.5em; font-weight: normal; padding: 0;} + td.note {text-align: left; font-size: 0.9em; font-weight: normal; border: 1px dashed; padding: 1em;} + ul.none {font-size: 1.0em; margin-left: 2em; list-style-type: none;} + li {margin-bottom: 1em;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.medium {width: 76%;} + html>body hr.medium {margin-right: 12%; margin-left: 12%; width: 76%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 30%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 35%; margin-left: 35%; width: 30%;} + ins {text-decoration: none; border-bottom: dashed 1px silver;} + p.note {margin-left: 25%; margin-right: 20%;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 2em;} + p.author1 {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 25%;} + p.author2 {text-align: right; margin-bottom: -0.8em; margin-right: 22%;} + span.pagenum {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem {margin-left: 25%; margin-right: 10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + .poem p.i12 {margin-left: 6em;} + .poem p.i14 {margin-left: 7em;} + .poem p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + .poem p.i36 {margin-left: 18em;} + + .poem1 {margin-left: 32%; margin-right: 10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem1 .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem1 p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem1 p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem1 p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem1 p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem1 p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.9em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + a.footnote:link {color: #3366ff; background: inherit; font-size: 1.2em; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;} + a.footnote:visited {color: #cc00cc; background: inherit; font-size: 1.2em; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;} + a.footnote:hover {color: #ff0000; background: inherit; text-decoration: none;} + a.footnote:active {color: #00ffcc; background: inherit; text-decoration: underline;} + + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, +March 4th 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, March 4th 1914 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: February 9, 2012 [EBook #38794] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page161" id="page161"></a>[pg 161]</span> + +<h1>Punch, or the London Charivari</h1> + +<h2>Volume 146, March 4th 1914</h2> + +<h4><i>edited by Owen Seaman</i></h4> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2 class="sans">CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p>According to <i>The Globe</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Yeo</span>, +in returning thanks after the Poplar +election, shouted to a female interrupter; +"Shut up, you silly cat, shut +up!" To this, we understand, the cat +retorted generously, "My-Yeo!"</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The <span class="sc">Gaby Deslys'</span> tradition? Miss +<span class="sc">Lottie Venne</span> is appearing at the +Criterion in a <i>Pair of Silk Stockings</i>, +and Miss <span class="sc">Mary Moore</span> is touring the +provinces in <i>Mrs. Gorringe's +Necklace</i>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> has forbidden the +production at Herr <span class="sc">Reinhardt's</span> +Deutches Theater of a play +called <i>Ferdinand, Prince of +Prussia</i>, on the ground that one +of the characters is a member of +the Prussian Royal Family. We +ourselves should never have dared +to hint that this fact renders the +play unfit for the public.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Cheery notice on the window +of an insurance office in New +Broad Street, E.C.:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"<span class="sc">Guarantees</span>,</p> +<p class="i4"><span class="sc">Sickness</span></p> +<p class="i4"><span class="sc">combined</span></p> +<p class="i2"><span class="sc">with Accident</span>."</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Dr. <span class="sc">Durham</span> lectured last +week on Explosives as an aid to +Gardening; but many persons +think that the quiet man who +does not lose his temper gets +better results.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Burglars, last week, broke +into a synagogue at Newcastle-on-Tyne +and removed practically +all the articles of value, +including a silver cup and a +pointer. Surprise is expressed +in some quarters that the pointer +should not have given the alarm +by barking.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Living artists sometimes complain +that it is only the Old Masters who +are appreciated nowadays. Authors +would seem to be more fortunate. +Take the following paragraph from +<i>The Bedford Express</i>:—"On Sunday +the well-known elocutionist, Mr. +<span class="sc">Frederick Duxbury</span>, visited Stevenage. +He preached morning and evening +at the Wesleyan Church, and +in the afternoon he gave a sacred +recital. His principal item on Sunday +afternoon was Coulson Kernahan's +'God and the Ant,' but he +included one or two lesser pieces, +including a chapter from the book of +Job."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It was stated last week in the Marylebone +Police Court that there is a +gang of thieves in London who do not +hesitate to steal motor-cars whenever +they find them unattended in the street. +These scoundrels are crafty enough not +to pick up the cars and put them under +their arm, for they realise that this +might attract attention, but they just +jump in and drive off.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We are glad to note a renewed outcry +against the unearthly noises made by +many motor-car hooters. If they must +run over us, the least they can do is to +let us die in peace.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;"><a href="images/161-800.png"><img src="images/161-350.png" width="350" height="509" alt="'Father, I cannot tell a good lie.'" /></a> +<p><i>Dad</i> (<i>who has brought his son to the links for the first time</i>).</p> +<p>"<span class="sc">Is it a good lie, Harold</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Harold</i> (<i>unconsciously ranking himself with the Great</i>). +"<span class="sc">Father, I cannot tell a good lie</span>."</p></div> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It seems a pity that so little is done +to encourage the growing love of art +among the criminal classes. The +Italian gentleman who guarded "La +Gioconda" so carefully has not been +so much as thanked for his pains, and +now it is stated that six persons have +been arrested in Paris and Brussels for +removing art objects from the admittedly +unsafe custody of museums.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Stout residents of Cornforth, Durham, +having protested against the narrowness +of some of the gateways on the local +paths, the parish council has decided to +widen them. It was found that this +would be more economical than to send +these citizens to Marienbad to have +their bulk reduced.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Publishers are continually making +finds, and Messrs. <span class="sc">Duckworth and Co.</span> +have been peculiarly fortunate. In +their current list they announce the +publication of "Lost Diaries" and +"The Lost Road."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Sale of Votes by Women.</p> + +<p>Incidents in a Chicago Election." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind3"><i>Daily Express.</i></p> + +<p class="ind1">By a curious coincidence we +have seen ladies selling <i>Votes for +Women</i> in the streets of London.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind1">Yet another example of the +industry of the foreigner. A +pamphlet issued by the Lincolnshire +Chick Farm informs us +that "On the Cyphers' Co. +Poultry Plant, one flock of 400 +White Leghorns shows an average +of 185.2 eggs per bird in +36.5 days." This, we need +scarcely tell our readers, works +out at 5.06849315 eggs per bird +per day.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>Another Episcopal Scandal.</h3> + +<h4>"<span class="sc">King and New Bishops.</span></h4> + +<blockquote><p> +The King received at Buckingham +Palace to-day the new Bishops of +Chelmsford and St. Edmundsbury +and Ipswich. The Home Secretary +administered the oath. +</p></blockquote> + +<h4><span class="sc">Found to be Insane</span>.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +Judgment was reserved." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>Westminster Gazette.</i></p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Much the largest of all the woodpeckers +in this country is the great +black woodpecker (<i>Picus martius</i>). +This is a very rare species, occurring +only in the wilds of the wooded +mountain areas. It is about 18 miles +in length." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>Pekin and Tientsin Times.</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">As the crow flies.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>England's far-reaching Influence.</h3> + +<h4>"RESULT OF THE <br />POPLAR ELECTION.</h4> + +<h4><span class="sc">No Foreigner safe in Mexico.</span>"</h4> + +<p class="author1">"<i>Yorkshire Observer" Placard.</i> +</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h4>"<span class="sc">Sir William Ramsay's Poser Startles Audience.</span></h4> + +<p class="center">Special Cable to the New York Times and +Montreal Gazette.</p> + +<blockquote><p>London, February 4.—Sir William Ramsay +raised the question whether the unfit should +be left to die at the annual dinner of the +Institute of Sanitary Engineers to-night."</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>The Gazette (Montreal).</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">There would, of course, be no difficulty +about the "funeral bakéd meats."</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page162" id="page162"></a>[pg 162]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2 class="sans">IN MEMORIAM.</h2> + +<h2><span class="oes">John Tenniel.</span></h2> + +<p class="center2"> +<span class="left"><span class="sc">Born 1820.</span></span> <span class="right"><span class="sc">Died February 25th, 1914.</span></span></p> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Now he whose gallant heart so lightly bore</p> +<p class="i4">So long the burden of the years' increase</p> +<p class="i2">Passes at length toward the silent shore,</p> +<p class="i8">From peace to deeper peace.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And we, his honoured comrades, by whose side</p> +<p class="i4">His haunting spirit keeps its ancient spell,</p> +<p class="i2">We bring our tribute, woven of love and pride,</p> +<p class="i8">And say a last farewell.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Yet not farewell; because eternal youth</p> +<p class="i4">Still crowns the craftsmanship where hand and eye</p> +<p class="i2">Saw and interpreted the soul of Truth,</p> +<p class="i8">Letting the rest go by.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Thus for his pictured pageant, gay or grave,</p> +<p class="i4">He seized and fixed the moving hour's event,</p> +<p class="i2">Maker of history by the life he gave</p> +<p class="i8">To fact with fancy blent.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">So lives the Artist in the work he wrought;</p> +<p class="i4">Yet Nature dowered the Man with gifts more dear—</p> +<p class="i2">A chivalrous true knight in deed and thought,</p> +<p class="i6"> Without reproach or fear. O. S.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2 class="sans">THE PERFECT CONDUCTOR.</h2> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Good morning</span>, Sir," he said, as I boarded a leviathan +one day last week. "What a beautiful morning, isn't it? +What can I have the pleasure of doing for you?" He +daftly pulled half-a-dozen tickets from his stock and permitted +me to inspect them.</p> + +<p>"Fresh in this morning, Sir," he continued. "White, +one penny; a great many people prefer them because they +go well with any colour. For the blue ones we are asking +twopence; they have only the same amount of information +but take you twice as far. Sweet shade, isn't it?" He +stepped back and held one up to the light for my benefit.</p> + +<p>"Well, I really only wanted a pennyworth, but I <i>must</i> +have one of the blue ones—they <i>are</i> attractive, as you say. +I shall keep it in memory of you."</p> + +<p>"Very good of you, Sir. You won't mind my making +a little hole in it? A mere matter of form; and the bell, +which rings to announce the conclusion of the operation, is, +as you will notice, quite musical. A sovereign? I shall +be delighted to change it for you." He gave me the correct +change, bowed, and turned to answer a lady passenger.</p> + +<p>"Have we passed Sloane Street?" she had enquired.</p> + +<p>"We passed it at least five minutes ago, madam. Were +you wishing to alight there?"</p> + +<p>"I was," replied the lady; "but don't trouble—I can +walk back."</p> + +<p>He was horrified at the thought.</p> + +<p>"Certainly not, my dear madam," he protested. Turning +to the little ventilator-window by which he could communicate +with the driver, he rapped. "William," he called, +"a lady here desired to get down at Sloane Street. Do +you mind...?"</p> + +<p>"Charles," responded the driver, stopping the 'bus, "you +know our one ambition is to please the passengers who so +trustfully commit themselves to our charge. Mingle my +regrets with yours, as representing the Company, that we +should have omitted clearly to intimate when we were in +the vicinity of Sloane Street. We will lose no time in +correcting the error."</p> + +<p>"William," said Charles, "it is only what I should have +expected of you. It is the least we can do." William +turned the 'bus carefully and ran quickly back, to the +admiration of the other passengers, who murmured +unanimous approval of such graceful courtesy.</p> + +<p>"This," announced Charles, as we pulled up after a while, +having recovered the lost ground, "is South Kensington +Station. We stay here one full minute for the advantage +of any person who wishes to visit the neighbourhood; after +which we shall proceed, if all goes well, to Putney, taking with +us perchance those who have business in that direction."</p> + +<p>I prepared to alight, and Charles shook my hand warmly.</p> + +<p>"Speaking for William and myself, Sir, representing the +Company," he said with emotion, "we are indeed sorry to +lose you. It would have given us both great pleasure +could your presence have graced the remainder of the journey. +Still, doubtless your private affairs compel you to sever this +so charming acquaintanceship, and on some future occasion +I trust we may again meet?"</p> + +<p>"I trust so, Charles," I answered. "Farewell."</p> + +<p>"<i>Au revoir</i>," said Charles, waving a hand. Sorrowfully +I left him, hearing as I departed his dulcet tones addressing +the passers-by: "If anyone would care to step on, we are +going to...."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2 class="sans">MANNERS FOR PARENTS.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch,</span>—Instead of writing all this nonsense +about the behaviour of boys at school, why doesn't someone +write about the behaviour of parents at school—at +their son's school, I mean? That is a subject which really +requires ventilation, for the behaviour of most parents +at school is <i>positively mouldy</i>.</p> + +<p>Of course it's very nice for your people to come down +and see you and all that, but there's a good deal of +anxiety about it which might easily be avoided, and I have +therefore written out a few simple <span class="sc">Rules for Parents +at School</span> which I hope you will publish.</p> + +<ul class="none"> +<li>(I.) Do not greet your son upon your arrival with +"Well, boysie," or some such rotten expression as that. It's +the sort of thing that it may take him years to live down.</li> + +<li>(II.) Do not insist upon attaching the son of your old +friend Smith to the party. Old Smith may be all right, +but young Smith may be in a House you can't mix with, +or something like that.</li> + +<li>(III.) Do not say to your son, of someone else's cap, +"That's a pretty cap; why don't you have one like it?" +because it's probably either the First XI. colours, or the +cap of a House you wouldn't be seen dead in.</li> + +<li>(IV.) Do not tell the House Master how well your son +played in the boys' cricket match last summer holidays. +Your son is probably a perfect rabbit, and the master is +certain to know it.</li> + +<li>(V.) Do not discuss such subjects as "The Public School +and the Development of Character" with the masters in +your son's presence. It's very unpleasant to have the +development of your character discussed. In fact it's +hardly decent.</li> + +<li>(VI.) Do not treat a member of the XI. as if he were +an ordinary person; and—</li> + +<li>(VII.) For Heaven's sake don't walk across Great Green. +Only fellows who have been in the XI. two seasons may +do so, yet I've known parents wander all over it before +their sons could stop them, and only laugh when told +what they had done!</li></ul> + +<p>Hoping you will publish this, as I think you ought +to do,</p> + + <p class="ind2">Yours truly, <span class="sc">Chubb</span> Minor. +</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page163" id="page163"></a>[pg 163]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/163-1200.png"><img src="images/163-375.png" width="375" height="480" alt="THE NINE OLD MEN OF THE SEA." /></a> +<h2>THE NINE OLD MEN OF THE SEA.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Ramsay MacSindbad.</span> "WELL, WELL, IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE. THERE MIGHT +HAVE BEEN TEN OF 'EM."</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page164" id="page164"></a>[pg 164]</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page165" id="page165"></a>[pg 165]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/165-1500.png"><img src="images/165-600.png" width="600" height="402" alt="MORE NEW BLOOD FOR OLD ENGLAND." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">MORE NEW BLOOD FOR OLD ENGLAND.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">Intrigued by the action of the Great Eastern Railway authorities in importing a new manager from the States, +the Government, it is rumoured, are about to go even further afield in search of promising talent for the Front +Bench.</span></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>MY HEROES.</h2> + +<p>Every day of my life I am more and +more impressed by the genius of two +men. These men are <span class="sc">Gutenberg</span> and +<span class="sc">Morse</span>. <span class="sc">Gutenberg</span> invented printing +and <span class="sc">Morse</span> was more or less in at the +birth of telegraphy. What should we +do without either?</p> + +<p>It is morning and I turn to the +paper. It happens to be <i>The Daily +Graphic</i>. What do I find? I find +<span class="sc">Gutenberg</span> and <span class="sc">Morse</span> once more in +collaboration. Thus:—</p> + +<h3>"MR. BALFOUR LOSES HIS WAY.</h3> + +<p class="author2"><span class="sc">Cannes</span>, Monday.</p> + +<blockquote><p> +Mr. Balfour paid a visit yesterday in pouring +rain to Mr. Chamberlain at the Villa +Victoria. Mr. Balfour lost his way, and +passing the house strolled along the Fréjus +road, scanning the name of every house until +he found a chauffeur who directed him to the +Villa Victoria. Subsequently Mr. Balfour returned +to the Hotel Continental and motored +out to dinner.—Central News." +</p></blockquote> + +<p>What, privileges we enjoy, we moderns! +Five hundred years ago, four hundred, +the world would have been in ignorance +of any event of this kind. Statesmen +would have lost their way in +foreign towns and no one at home +would have known. Think of the +privation! But now, not only, thanks +to <span class="sc">Gutenberg</span>, do we know it and +think accordingly, but, thanks to <span class="sc">Morse</span>, +we know it the next day and our thrills +are not delayed.</p> + +<p>So much for the morning.</p> + +<p>It is a few minutes later—evening. +Not really evening, because it is before +lunch, but evening enough for the +Tenth Muse, bless her! I open <i>The +Evening News</i> and what do I find? +<span class="sc">Gutenberg</span> alone; but how full of +matter! Thus:—</p> + +<h3>"SEVEN.</h3> + +<blockquote> +<p>The mystic number seven is curiously associated +with the baby daughter of Mr. and +Mrs. Knight, of Old Swinford, Worcestershire.</p> + +<p>She was born at the Seven Stars Hotel at +the seventh hour of the seventh day of the +seventh month.</p> + +<p>There were seven customers in the bar when +her birth was announced, seven persons were +present at the christening, and there are seven +letters in her Christian name.</p> + +<p>Her father is the eldest of seven children +and her mother the youngest of seven. She +has seven uncles." +</p></blockquote> + +<p>There's for you! But of course this +is not enough. The chronicler, try as +he might, is but a scamper after all. +Not only were there seven customers +in the bar, but each had had seven +drinks. Whiskey (there are seven +letters in whiskey, spelt my way) +punch. Each had a slice of lemon and +there were seven pips in the lemon. +Of the seven uncles each had a watch, +making seven watches, and a cigar +case, making seven cigar-cases. So it +might go on for ever.</p> + +<p>Similarly the nine deported Labour +leaders arrived in the Thames nine +minutes after somebody else and nine +minutes before somebody else. The +term "dock-berth" has nine letters in +it, and Nine Elms is on the Thames too. +Whew!</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"We find ourselves generally in agreement +with the writer Dr. Figgis, so our enjoyment +of his books is the keener and less +critical. When we do criticise it is as though +we found faults in a friend whom we know +very well and regard very highly. This position +Dr. Figgis has won for himself by the +thoroughness as well as the cleverness of his +literary work."—<i>Athenæum.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">Dr. <span class="sc">Figgis</span> must be a proud man to-day.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page166" id="page166"></a>[pg 166]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2 class="sans">INTERVIEWING FATHER.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Sir George</span> is not a nice man. He +is a mercenary, narrow-minded person. +I never really liked him, but then he +never really liked me. However, he is +Miranda's father, so I decided to interview +him. The interview took place at +his office. He waved me to a chair, +and, as it seemed all that I was likely +to get, I took it.</p> + +<p>"Well?" Sir George grunted.</p> + +<p>His tone indicated an unfriendly +spirit, so I retorted, "Well."</p> + +<p>There was a slight pause. +Then he said, rather aggressively. +"I never lend money."</p> + +<p>"I suspected it," I replied; +"I practically never borrow +money, but that is my misfortune +and not my fault."</p> + +<p>"Then what can I do for you?"</p> + +<p>"You have a daughter——"</p> + +<p>"I have," he interrupted.</p> + +<p>"I knew we should find a +common basis of agreement. +Miranda is unmarried; I am +unmarried."</p> + +<p>"You suggest marrying my +daughter?"</p> + +<p>"I make no suggestion, but +the idea had crossed my mind."</p> + +<p>"Can you keep a wife?"</p> + +<p>"I never lost one yet. I think +that with a little tact——"</p> + +<p>"I mean, have you any +money?"</p> + +<p>"Eighteen shillings and fourpence," +I answered, producing +that sum as evidence of my +<i>bona fides</i>.</p> + +<p>"That is not a very large +capital on which to start married +life."</p> + +<p>"True, but I'm not mercenary. +Yet perhaps, as we seem to have +drifted on to the question of +money, I might mention that I +have property—house property."</p> + +<p>"I don't believe much in house +property in these days."</p> + +<p>"I don't either. Though I lay no +particular stress on the matter, I also +have some mortgages."</p> + +<p>"I don't care much about mortgages."</p> + +<p>"I agree with you. Beastly things, +I call them."</p> + +<p>"What income do you derive from +the property and the mortgages?"</p> + +<p>"I don't exactly derive any income +from either. You see, the two things +go together—I mean the property and +the mortgages. I don't fancy the +mortgagees get much income from the +property, though I suppose they try +their best. Perhaps, strictly speaking, +I can hardly call the property mine +since the mortgagees took possession. +The mortgages however are undoubtedly +mine. I created them, you +know."</p> + +<p>Sir George rose pompously, so I +went on at once:</p> + +<p>"I have some shares. I should like +your opinion on them."</p> + +<p>"What kind of shares?"</p> + +<p>"The usual kind—paper, but quite +nice artistic designs on them."</p> + +<p>"In what companies?"</p> + +<p>"I forget the names of the companies, +but I think that they had something +to do with rubber."</p> + +<p>"Then you can take my advice and +sell them."</p> + +<p>"Thanks awfully," I said, "if that +means that you'll buy them. I always +thought that I should eventually find +someone to help me out."</p> + +<p>"I will not buy your shares. But +before I finally close this interview I +should like to know, as a matter of +curiosity, on what you live?"</p> + +<p>"Meat and things, like other people. +I'm no vegetarian."</p> + +<p>"I mean, how do you obtain food +and clothes? I see that you do +wear clothes. At present I'm a little +puzzled."</p> + +<p>"It's a matter which has often +puzzled me. I get them somehow. +Sometimes I work and sometimes, but +not very often, I get paid for my work. +I believe that if I were married I could +earn more."</p> + +<p>"What makes you think that?"</p> + +<p>"Well, you see, I couldn't very well +earn less."</p> + +<p>"Then am I to understand that you +have practically no income?"</p> + +<p>"If it comes to that, has Miranda +any income?"</p> + +<p>"My daughter will have what I +choose to allow her."</p> + +<p>"And I shall have what I choose to +earn, so it seems that we should be +fairly well matched."</p> + +<p>"Sir, I consider your request +to marry my daughter an impertinence, +and the flippancy with +which you have conducted this +interview an insult."</p> + +<p>"Sir George," I said impressively, +"be just before you are +generous. If you think over +the matter calmly you will recognise +that I have made no such +request. You are an older man +than I, so I pass over anything +that you may have said in the +heat of the moment. I am +willing to part friends."</p> + +<p>For a moment I thought he +would burst. He ignored my +outstretched hand and almost +shouted, "I don't care how we +part, so long as we do part. +You will oblige me by not seeing +or communicating with my +daughter again."</p> + +<p>As I was passing through the +door I remarked, "Without making +any rash promises, I will +endeavour to oblige you. I +gather, as much from your demeanour +as anything else, that +you do not favour me as a suitor +for your daughter's hand. As a +matter of fact, I look with equal +disfavour on you as a possible +father-in-law. My real object +in seeking this interview was to +remove any misapprehension you might +have on the subject."</p> + +<p>When I was well outside the door, +laughter really took hold of me for the +first time since Miranda refused to +marry me.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"><a href="images/166-800.png"><img src="images/166-300.png" width="300" height="427" alt="Underground Train Conductor (sulkily to passenger jumping" /></a> +<p><i>Underground Train Conductor (sulkily to passenger jumping +in after train has started).</i> "<span class="sc">Nah then! if you'd ha' +fallen dahn and broke yer neck <i>I</i> should 'ave been +the one to suffer.</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Mr. Hartley is the proud possessor of the +English championship belt for running broad +jump, having cleared something over 45 feet." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>The Morning Albertan.</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">His pride is very excusable.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"In our day when many women consider +the art of managing a home beneath the +dignity of their supposed sex, not everyone +knows how to make a pancake." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>Liverpool Daily Post and Mercury.</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">"Supposed" is good.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page167" id="page167"></a>[pg 167]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/167-1500.png"><img src="images/167-600.png" width="600" height="436" alt="MARCH WINDS." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">MARCH WINDS.</h3> + +<p><i>Short-sighted Official (to gentleman pursuing hat).</i> "<span class="sc">Call your dog off, Sir, call your dog off," etc., etc., etc.</span></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3 class="sans">MOVING.</h3> + +<h4>(<i>A Suburban Elegy.</i>)</h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2"><span class="sc">When</span> I remember I shall tread no more</p> +<p class="i4">In such a short time now the well-known street,</p> +<p class="i2">And never to these ears shall sound the roar</p> +<p class="i4">Of Perkins' cart-wheels, dangerously fleet,</p> +<p class="i2">Bringing the boon of Ceres to the door,</p> +<p class="i4">Nor those of Batson (Batson is the meat);—</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">When I recall that in the hours to come</p> +<p class="i4">My eyes may never see the shape of Pott</p> +<p class="i2">Planting his fish down, then methinks it's rum</p> +<p class="i4">That mortal men should move and be forgot</p> +<p class="i2">By those that serve their household daily, some</p> +<p class="i4">Sending the right delivery, some not.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Full often on my homeward way I pause</p> +<p class="i4">Where Jones is standing at his shop-front trim;</p> +<p class="i2">We pass remarks about the nation's laws</p> +<p class="i4">And how it still keeps up, though skies are grim;</p> +<p class="i2">And Jones is most polite to me, because</p> +<p class="i4">We've always got our groceries from him.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">But the old orders soon shall cease to be,</p> +<p class="i4">And I must pass into an unknown land,</p> +<p class="i2">And at the corner by The Holly Tree</p> +<p class="i4">Where now he lifts a ceremonious hand</p> +<p class="i2">Yon constable shall scarce remember me,</p> +<p class="i4">Not that he ever——Quite. You understand.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And alien lips from mine must move to swear</p> +<p class="i4">Over the mangled remnants of a shirt</p> +<p class="i2">Brutally done to death with fiendish care</p> +<p class="i4">By yon steam laundry. Last I come to Bert;</p> +<p class="i2">Bert's is the best known face in all the Square,</p> +<p class="i4">Being the milk, and something more—a flirt.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Yes, for not only bleeds this heart of mine;</p> +<p class="i4">There shall be tenderer spasms when we shift,</p> +<p class="i2">Such bits of cheek, such observations fine,</p> +<p class="i4">Such honied whispers have been heard to drift</p> +<p class="i2">From Susan at the casement of her shrine</p> +<p class="i4">To Romeo managing the tradesmen's lift.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Hers shall be all the loss; he'll soon forget.</p> +<p class="i4">Others shall ope accounts when we are gone;</p> +<p class="i2">Movings are all too frequent for regret;</p> +<p class="i4">Yet one methinks there is shall dream upon</p> +<p class="i2">Our name with soft remembrance, guard it yet</p> +<p class="i4">Like some pressed violet. I refer to John.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I know our postal service, know full well,</p> +<p class="i4">Though we have told them to what bourn we flit,</p> +<p class="i2">How many a missive shall obey the spell</p> +<p class="i4">Of the old false address inscribed on it.</p> +<p class="i2">And John shall bring them. And John's heart shall swell</p> +<p class="i4">For Harriet while he stuffs them through the slit.</p> +<p class="i36"><span class="sc">Evoe.</span></p> + </div> </div> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page168" id="page168"></a>[pg 168]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2 class="sans">OUR LITERARY ADVICE DEPARTMENT.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Candid</span> advice given to the literary +aspirant on easy terms by an old +journalist. His fame is world-wide, but +he prefers to be known as <span class="sc">The Old Nib</span>. +Anyone sending him threatening letters +will be prosecuted.</p> + +<p>Frankly, <span class="sc">Lancelot</span>, your <i>Passionate +Pangs; or, Heart Throbs of a Retired +Government Clerk</i>, will never bring you +in a large income. You say friends +have praised them highly, and you point +out that <span class="sc">Tennyson</span> had to wait years +for recognition. Well, you must do the +same. You could not have a better +precedent.</p> + +<p>You have a strong grasp of a situation, +<span class="sc">Benjamin</span>, and the scene where <i>Uncle +Henry</i> slips on the butter slide is quite +thrilling. But you must compress a +little and avoid certain faults of style. +"She hove a sigh" is wrong; and I do +not like "'Pshaw,' he <i>shouted</i>"; I do not +think it could be done. I tried myself +in my bath and swallowed a lot of +soapy water. Pray be more careful.</p> + +<p>I certainly like to hear from such an +enthusiastic reader as <span class="sc">Wigwam</span>. His +idea, of going to a fancy-dress ball +dressed in a number of old copies of +<i>Wopple's Weekly</i> is excellent and, if they +let him in, ought to be a great success. +I hope he wins the hair comb. As to +his verses I have often seen worse. +With a rhyming dictionary (for rhyming) +and an ordinary one (for spelling) +<span class="sc">Wigwam</span> should go far.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Angelina's</span> poem shows a nice domestic +feeling which I appreciate. In +these days of Suffragettes it is not every +authoress who will say—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"I like to see a familiar face</p> +<p>And I think home is a beautiful place."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>But though "mother," as she says, +is a very beautiful word it does not +rhyme with "forever." "Other," +"brother" and "smother" are the +rhymes that I always recommend.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Leonidas</span> has made a great improvement +since I had to speak to him so +severely last spring. <i>Sly Sarah</i> is +quite a clever tale, and before very long +<span class="sc">Leonidas</span> will find himself writing for +<i>Soapy Bits</i> and papers of that calibre. +Of this I am sure. His characterization +is strong, his style is redolent of +<i>bravura</i> and his general atmosphere is +<i>fortissimo</i>. The character of the archdeacon +might be improved; indeed, if +<span class="sc">Leonidas</span> is going to send it to <i>The +Diocesan Monthly</i>, I should say it must +be improved. Why should he slap +<i>Sarah's</i> face? No reason is given for +this, and it is surely a very questionable +action. Human nature may be +human nature, but archdeacons are +archdeacons. By the way there is only +one <i>l</i> in spoonful.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Henry</span> must be careful. This is the +third time he has sent me his epic. +There are limits.</p> + +<p>There is not much demand for tales +of this description, <span class="sc">Hopeful</span>. But as +you say you like writing them I do not +see who is to prevent you. If you can +get the permission of the local authorities +by all means give a reading at the +Home for the Half-Witted.</p> + +<p>I have no doubt <span class="sc">Clapham Rover</span> +means well, but he has a lot to learn. +There are no events of any kind in the +three tales he sends me. The only +thing that ever happens is that the +hero is kicked downstairs. Even then +he lies prostrate in the hall for two +days. Surely the maids might have +swept him up. <span class="sc">Clapham Rover</span> must +remember the great words of <span class="sc">Demosthenes</span> +when he swallowed a pebble on +the sea beach: "Action, action, and +again action." He was thinking of +lawyers, of course, but his words have +a lesson for us all.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Ingenuous</span> is the exact opposite of +<span class="sc">Clapham Rover</span>. I rise from his tale +an absolute wreck. "Splash, she was +in the river;" "plonk, he was on the +floor;" "whiz, a bullet shot past him." +<span class="sc">Ingenuous</span> must really go more quietly +and make a little less noise. Why not +write a few essays on some of our lesser +known female didactic writers, or some +such subjects as "People one is surprised +to hear that Dr. <span class="sc">Johnson</span> never +met?" It would do him a lot of good. +But above all he must study that +master of Quietism, the incomparable +author of <i>The Woman's Touch</i>, <i>The +Silent Preacher</i>, <i>Through a College +Key-hole</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Parsifal</span> has pained me very much. +He sent me a long poem, and after I had +given him a very detailed criticism I +discovered that he had simply copied +out a poem of <span class="sc">Wordsworth's</span> familiar +to us all from our earliest childhood. +I have lost his address, so I cannot tell +him privately what I think of him, but +it was a dirty trick.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Ciudad Rodrigo</span> (I don't know why +he calls himself that; he writes from +Balham) sends me an essay on <span class="sc">George +Borrow</span>. It follows with great fidelity +the line of established fact, never deviating +into the unknown. After reading +it I felt that I did not want to hear +any more about <span class="sc">George Borrow</span> for a +long time.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Arrière Pensée</span>, <span class="sc">Tootles</span>, <span class="sc">Pongo</span> +and <span class="sc">Hugging</span>: see answer to <span class="sc">Ciudad +Rodrigo</span>.</p> + +<p>I did an injustice to <span class="sc">Parnassian</span> in +my answer to him last week. Owing +to a misprint I was made to say that +"his poems were written" (which they +were not, but typed, and very excellently +typed too). What I meant to say was +that his poems were rotten. Sorry.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>THE MILITANT'S SONG.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Each</span> morning, vigorous and bright,</p> +<p class="i4">I sing my little song:—</p> +<p class="i2">"If I don't do the thing that's right</p> +<p class="i4">I'll do the thing that's wrong."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And if I chance to miss my aim</p> +<p class="i4">By slight miscalculation</p> +<p class="i2">I go on singing just the same</p> +<p class="i4">With equal exaltation.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">So when I light my little sticks</p> +<p class="i4">To burn up "No. 8"</p> +<p class="i2">And find I've kindled "No. 6"</p> +<p class="i4">My joy is just as great.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And when my little stones I dash</p> +<p class="i4">At windows in a hurry</p> +<p class="i2">And hear the corner lamp-post smash</p> +<p class="i4">I see no cause to worry.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And when I take my little whip</p> +<p class="i4">To punish "Mr. A."</p> +<p class="i2">And find I've made another slip</p> +<p class="i4">I giggle out, "Hurray!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And under lock and key I trill,</p> +<p class="i4">Although my cell's a strong one:—</p> +<p class="i2">"I didn't hit the right man, still</p> +<p class="i4">At least I hit the wrong one."</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>Bethnal Green and Leith.</h3> + +<p class="ind1">We are asked to say that some +of the best friends of the Government +take a grave view of the acclamations +with which the Liberal Press +has been greeting the recent "moral +victories" of the Party at the polls. +A few more of these moral victories +and the language of triumph will, they +fear, be exhausted before an actual +victory occurs.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Lord Plymouth's donation of £30,000 +completes the purchase of the Crystal Palace. +The shortage was due to Mr. Camberwell's +refusal to contribute, and also to a reduction +in Mr. Pinge's contribution by £15,000." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>Otago Daily Times.</i></p> + +<p class="ind1">On the other hand we are glad to be +in a position to say that Lord Penge, +the Hon. Mrs. Sydenham Hill and the +Dowager Lady Dulwich have behaved +most generously.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Respecting Ichthemic Guano, you can +make use of my name, as it is one of the best +fertilisers on the market." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>From a Trade Circular.</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">We should like to know what our old +friend Ichthemic Guano has to say +about this. He will not like to hear +that anybody else's name competes with +his in the fertilising market.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page169" id="page169"></a>[pg 169]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/169-1500.png"><img src="images/169-600.png" width="600" height="421" alt="THE HOLY ESTATE: AN EX-PARTE VIEW." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">THE HOLY ESTATE: AN EX-PARTE VIEW.</h3> + +<p><i>Her Ladyship.</i> "<span class="sc">So you are leaving to get married, Thompson? I must come and see your wife when you are comfortably +settled.</span>"</p> + +<p><i>The Lover.</i> "<span class="sc">Thank you, me lady. She seems a nice quiet sort of girl, and I 'ave hevery 'ope she'll make me +comfortable.</span>"</p></div> +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2 class="sans">BELLES LETTRES AND OTHERS.</h2> + +<p>Most of us have been startled to +observe how very far real life falls short +of the standard of books. The realisation +has come home to me with great +force after reading <i>whispers of Passion</i>, a +collection of love-letters by "Amorosa," +which I could not refrain from comparing +with certain authentic love-letters +(as I suppose I must call them) +which happen to be in my possession.</p> + +<p>What a contrast! What a melancholy +contrast!</p> + +<p>Here, for example, is the tender +opening of one of "Amorosa's" efforts:</p> + +<p class="block">"<span class="sc">Beloved,</span>—This morning I saw +the sun rise from behind the grey hills +that rampart our secluded vale. Slowly, +almost imperceptibly, as I watched, +the sombre robes of the Night were +irradiated and enrosed by the mysterious +fires of the Dawn. And herein, my +dear one, I seemed to grasp a deathless +symbol of the awakening of Love +between us, the first slow gilding of +our grey lives by the roseate glamour +of romance...." +</p> + +<p>And so on. Now read this, taken +from one in my own collection treating +of the same subject:—</p> + +<p class="block"> +"<span class="sc">Dear Woqgles,</span>—How <i>dare</i> you +hint that I'm lazy? As a matter of +fact I saw the sunrise only this morning, +which reminds me of a story. I daresay +you know it already. A small boy decided +to keep a diary, and the first entry he +made was: '<i>1st January—Got up at +8.15.</i>' His mater objected to this on the +ground that <i>got up</i> was too slangy. +'Look at the sun,' she said. 'The sun +doesn't <i>get up</i>; it <i>rises</i>.' The same +evening, after the boy had gone to bed, +she looked at the diary again. There +was only one other entry: '<i>Set at 9.</i>' +</p> + +<p class="block">Not much of a yarn, is it, Woggles? +But still it's good enough for you...."</p> + +<p>Or consider this beautiful conclusion:</p> + +<p class="block"> +"... Dear, I am all thine. My +soul calls to thee across the night; the +beating of my heart cries through the +darkness—Thine, thine, thine!</p> + +<p class="block">Good night, adored one, good night. +</p> + +<p class="ind4"><span class="sc">Amorosa.</span>"</p> + +<p>And contrast it with the following:—</p> + +<p class="block"> +"... And now I must dry up or I +shan't be in bed by midnight, and the +old man will lose his hair and say I'm +ruining my precious constitution. Ta +ta. Be a good infant. +</p> + +<p class="ind4">Yours, <span class="sc">Madge</span>."</p> + +<p>"Amorosa's" lover appears to have +sent her a bracelet, and must have felt +richly repaid when he received this:—</p> + +<p class="block"> +"... As I clasped the slender +circlet around my wrist I seemed to +hear a voice which said, 'This is pure +gold; let your love be pure. It is an +emblem of infinity; let your trust be +infinite. It is a pledge of fidelity; let +your faithfulness be immutable...." +</p> + +<p>But this is how Madge expresses +herself on a similar occasion:—</p> + +<p class="block"> +"... Thanks very much for the +bracelet. It seems pretty decent...." +</p> + +<p>Let me give two other extracts which +happen to treat of similar themes. +Here is the first:—</p> + +<p class="block"> +"... I heard music surging in +great waves of divine beauty from +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page170" id="page170"></a>[pg 170]</span> +Belnobbio's 'cello, and, magically, +wonderfully, it lured and compelled my +thoughts, beloved one, to you. In all +those immortal harmonies I heard your +voice; the Master's rapt features faded +into mist, and I saw instead your own +grave, strong face. Tell me, what is +this power which can so converge all +beauties to one centre?..." +</p> + +<p>And here is the second:—</p> + +<p class="block"> +"... I went to hear Kranzer +yesterday, and oh, Woggles, I tell you, +he is the edge, the very ultimate edge! +I <i>rave</i> over him day and night. I'm +madly, head-over-heels, don't-know-how-to-express-it +in love with him. +I'm going to throw you over and +follow him about all round the world, +and whenever I get the chance just lie +down and let him wipe his boots on +me. So—resign yourself to it; you'll +probably never see again, +</p> + +<p class="author1">Your fatally smitten + <span class="sc">Madge</span>."</p> + +<p>Occasionally, it is true, there occurs +in these deplorable letters just a touch +of sentiment, but how crudely, how +prosaically expressed. Immediately +after the passage quoted above, for +instance, I find this:—</p> + +<p class="block"> +"P.S.—Dear old boy, you don't mind +when I rag you, do you? Here's just +a teeny-weeny × for you. M." +</p> + +<p>How does "Amorosa" phrase such +a sentiment?</p> + +<p class="block"> +"... My lips cannot touch your +lips, but my soul seeks yours, and in +that spiritual embrace there is something +of eternity." +</p> + +<blockquote><p> + +* +* +* +* +*</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind" style="margin-top: -1em;">And yet, after all——</p> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/170-1500.png"><img src="images/170-600.png" width="600" height="409" alt="THE TATTOOER'S ART." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">THE TATTOOER'S ART.</h3> + +<p class="center"><i>Exasperated Backer.</i> "<span class="sc">'It 'im Charley; don't look at them pictures.</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>GNOMES FOR GOLFERS.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>In April when the cuckoos call</p> +<p>Glue both your optics on the ball.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>In May avoid the water-ouzel</p> +<p>Whose warning note predicts a foozle.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>In Summer when the lies are good</p> +<p>Propel it smartly with the wood.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>In August should the peacock shriek</p> +<p>Renounce the baffy for the cleek;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But if your stroke becomes too "sclaffy"</p> +<p>Give up the cleek and use the baffy.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>In Autumn when the lies are clammy</p> +<p>Replace the brassie by the "Sammy."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But when the course is dry and grassy</p> +<p>Replace the "Sammy" by the brassie.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>In Winter when the lies are slimy</p> +<p>Be up or in, or lay a stymie.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>When caddies chatter on the green</p> +<p>Rebuke them, but remain serene.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But when they hiccough on the tee</p> +<p>Pay them their regulation fee.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Whene'er you chance to top your drive</p> +<p>Before you speak count twenty-five.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But if you slice into the rough</p> +<p>Thirty will hardly be enough.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>When beaten by a single putt</p> +<p>You may ejaculate, "Tut, tut."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But if you're downed at dormy nine</p> +<p>Language affords no anodyne.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Where frequent pots the green environ</p> +<p>Take turf approaching with the iron.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>No game is lost until it's won;</p> +<p>The duffer may hole out in one.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>If down the course the pill you'd punch</p> +<p>Be careful what you eat at lunch.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>A simple cut from off the joint</p> +<p>May cure your shots to cover-point.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But lobsters, trifle and champagne</p> +<p>May even prove the plus-man's bane.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h4>The Nine St. Denys's.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"Thereupon the Labour party sang 'The +Red Flag,' the deportees joining in the chorus, +bearing their heads during the singing."</p> +</blockquote> +<p class="author1"><i>South Wales Echo.</i> +</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page171" id="page171"></a>[pg 171]</span> +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;"><a href="images/171-1140.png"><img src="images/171-350.png" width="350" height="470" alt="A DEVOTEE OF 'THE DOCTRINE.'" /></a> +A DEVOTEE OF "THE DOCTRINE."</div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page172" id="page172"></a>[pg 172]</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page173" id="page173"></a>[pg 173]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2 class="sans">ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<h4>(<span class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</span>)</h4> + +<p><i>House of Lords, Monday, February +23rd.</i>—Temporarily relieved from +thoughts of Ulster or meditations upon +Marconi, House gave itself up to bright +debate on question not less attractive +because of spice of personality. Spice +acquired additional piquancy since it +was not supposed to be there. Its +absence was indeed formally insisted +upon. "Oh no, we never mention him. +His name is never heard." All the +same, as debate went forward, names +<i>did</i> occur. Glances, furtively +shot from side to side of +House, casually rested upon +particular seats, whether +empty or occupied.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 430px;"><a href="images/173-1000.png"><img src="images/173-430.png" width="430" height="479" alt="Lord Crewe (to Lord Selborne on his way to the Debate on the Sale of Honours)." /></a> +<p><i>Lord <span class="sc">Crewe</span> (to Lord <span class="sc">Selborne</span> on his way to the Debate on the Sale +of Honours).</i> "I trust we shall have no stone-throwing."</p> + +<p><i>Lord <span class="sc">Selborne</span>.</i> "I'm entirely with you. Too much stained-glass +about, what?"</p></div> + +<p><span class="sc">Selborne</span> introduced subject +by moving Resolution +condemning principle that a +contribution to Party funds +should be a consideration to +a Minister recommending +to the Sovereign bestowal of +a titular honour. Subject +delicate one to handle. As +<span class="sc">Selborne</span> admitted, <span class="sc">Willoughby +de Broke</span> and +<span class="sc">Ribblesdale</span> in succession +concurring, it was not a +Party question. Notorious +that since the days of Lord +<span class="sc">North</span> both political parties +are tarred with same brush. +Through difficult circumstances +<span class="sc">Selborne</span> adroitly +picked his way in lively +speech. Sorely handicapped +by Resolution, the effect of +which, even with assistance +of other House, would, +as <span class="sc">Ribblesdale</span> pointed +out, be absolutely nil. "In +the end," he said, "both +Houses would be only expressing +a pious, almost a +Pharisaical opinion."</p> + +<p>This conceded, the Lords, having no +work to do, might have done much +worse than devote sitting to breezy +debate.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Willoughby de Broke</span> at his best +in his enunciation of principles upon +which, were he dispenser of honours in +the Radical camp, he would choose his +peers. Whilst taking broad view of +case on eugenic principles, he would be +inclined to make selection in favour of +childless candidates.</p> + +<p>"The sons of newly-created Radical +peers are," he shrewdly remarked, +"almost certain to be Tories, while a +Radical grandson of a Radical peer is +a phenomenon never seen."</p> + +<p>Incidentally the bold Baron took +occasion to remark that his own title +was conferred upon an ancestor in +reward for active part taken in placing +the Tudor dynasty on the throne. +Some noble lords, whose patent to +peerage is of rather more recent date, +whilst agreeing generally with his +views, thought this remark superfluous. +Why drag in the Tudors?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Willoughby's</span> graphic account of an +interview with the agent of a moneyed +applicant for honours was capped by +<span class="sc">Ribblesdale</span>, who confided to listening +Senate particulars of occasions when, as +a Whip he had from time to time been +"approached."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Milner</span>, shocked by what he regarded +as frivolity, proposed to treat +the subject "with a slight approach to +seriousness." Proposal cast a blight +over proceedings which were hurried to +conclusion.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—<span class="sc">Selborne's</span> Resolution +agreed to with verbal amendment.</p> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Tuesday.</i>—Resemblance +of House of Commons to +the sea never more strikingly illustrated +than at to-night's sitting. For five +hours and a half deadliest calm reigned. +Benches less than half full. Questions +droned through appointed period. +House got into Committee of Supply +on Civil Service estimates. Votes for +Colonial Service offered occasion for +debate on Camel Corps disaster in +Somaliland last August. <span class="sc">Lulu</span> defended +in detail the policy and action +of his department. At half-past eight, +talk still dragging slow length along, he +moved closure. Division on proposal +to reduce the estimate, equivalent to +vote of censure, ran Government +majority up to 125.</p> + +<p>Suddenly scene changed. It was the +mid-dinner hour, period at which House +is as a rule dismally empty. The four-hundred-and-seventy +Members who had +taken part in the division, instead of +fleeing in accordance with custom as if +fire had broken out, made for their +seats, whence rose the buzz +of excited talk that presages +a tempest.</p> + +<p>The miracle was worked +by Ulster. <span class="sc">Falle</span>, having +by favour of fortune at +ballot-box secured portion +of sitting as Private Member's +property, moved Resolution +calling upon <span class="sc">Prime +Minister</span>, forthwith to submit +to House his proposals +for alteration of Government +of Ireland Bill. Opposition +mustered in support. +Ministerialists whipped up +to last man. When, following +mover and seconder of +Resolution, <span class="sc">Premier</span> appeared +at the table he was +welcomed by shout of exultant +cheering. Significant +contrast with his reception +when, a fortnight earlier, he +stood in same place and +seemed inclined to dally +with proposal for exclusion +of Ulster. Instinctively, or +through whispered information, +Ministerialists knew +he was now, as they put it, +"going straight."</p> + +<p>Their most sanguine expectation +justified. <span class="sc">Premier</span> +in fine fighting form.</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen opposite," he scornfully +said, "seem to think we here can be +likened to a beleaguered garrison, driven +by the stress of warfare into an untenable +position with failing supplies, with +exhausted ammunition, with shaken +nerves, and that it is for them, the +minority of this House, to dictate the +terms of capitulation that are to determine +whether we are to be allowed to +surrender with or without the honours +of war."</p> + +<p>That sufficed to indicate his position. +Whilst disclosure increased enthusiasm +on Ministerial side it correspondingly +inflamed passion on benches opposite.</p> + +<p>There was an anxious moment when +fisticuffs seemed imminent across the +table in close proximity to shocked +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page174" id="page174"></a>[pg 174]</span> +Mace. <span class="sc">Carson</span> making interruption +(one of a continuous series), <span class="sc">Premier</span> +thought it was <span class="sc">Walter Long</span>, and +severely enjoined him to restrain himself. +<span class="sc">Long</span> hotly retorted that he had +not spoken. Angry cheers and counter-cheers +resounded in opposing camps. +<span class="sc">Premier</span>, accepting assurance of his +mistake, apologised. Fisticuffs postponed.</p> + +<p>Warned by experience, <span class="sc">Premier</span> took +no notice when <span class="sc">Moore of Armagh</span> +shouted, "Why do you funk a General +Election?" or when later he received +from same source disclaimer of +belief in his sincerity; or when +another Ulster Member characterised +forceful passage in his +speech as "Tomfoolery."</p> + +<p>Fresh roar of cheering broke +over excited host of Ministerialists +when by way of last word <span class="sc">Premier</span> +declared, "We are not going at +the eleventh hour to betray a +great cause."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Proverbially +swift descent from sublime to +ridiculous. Demand of Opposition +for instant disclosure of +Ministerial plan altering Home +Rule Bill met by Amendment +from Liberal side declaring confidence +in Government. This +carried by majority of 73. When +put as substantial Resolution +eleven o'clock had struck. No +opposed business may be taken +after that hour. House accordingly +forthwith adjourned. Record +of night's business in Journals of +House prepared for perusal of +posterity is comprehended in word +"That——"</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—House puzzled by +question on Paper standing in +name of <span class="sc">H. P. Croft</span>. Member +for Christchurch desires "to ask +the Secretary of State for the +Colonies whether he has received +petitions in favour of immediate +legislation dealing with imported +plumage through all or any of the +Prime Ministers of the States of +Australia."</p> + +<p>How, why and under what circumstances +plumage should be "imported +through" Prime Ministers of the +Australian Commonwealth no one can +guess. Generally agreed that, if such +painful procedure actually be the +Colonial custom, prohibitive legislation +cannot be too soon undertaken.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Sydney Holland</span>, for many years +the prop and stay of the London +Hospital, has taken his seat in the +House of Lords on accession to the +Viscountcy of Knutsford. Apart from +hereditary claim, he is the ideal type of +the class of peer whom reformers on +both sides look to for restoration of +the prestige and usefulness of the +Upper Chamber. Nevertheless it is +hoped he will not give up to Westminster +what was meant for mankind—the +splendid devotion of capacity +and energy to the service of the sick +poor of London.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—In Committee on +Supplementary Estimates.</p> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h4>The New Matrimonial Insurance.</h4> + +<h4>"HUSBAND INSURED AWAY."</h4> + +<p class="author1">"<i>Daily Mail" Heading.</i></p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 320px;"><a href="images/174-800.png"><img src="images/174-320.png" width="320" height="470" alt="Gentlemen opposite seem to think we here can be likened to a beleaguered garrison,..." /></a> +<p>"Gentlemen opposite seem to think we here can be +likened to a <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'beleagured'">beleaguered</ins> garrison, driven by the stress of +warfare into an untenable position."—<i>Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> in the +debate on Mr. <span class="sc">Falle's</span> resolution.</i></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h4>The Land Campaign once more.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"Large Foot Path, very strong, reduced to +6s. 11d., less than half-price." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"> <i>Advt. in "The Accrington Observer.</i>"</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Are we not having just a little too much +London? A glance over our rapidly growing +fixture list suggests that the predominance of +the great Metrolopis in matters of golfing is +becoming rather too pronounced."—<i>Golfing.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">It's not fair to the privonces.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Members of the Chicago Bachelor Girls' +Club, who number sixty at present, say they +must receive affirmative answers to this list of +questions before they will marry:</p> + +<p> ... Have you bad habits, such as drinking +or smoking to excess?..."—<i>Daily Mirror.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">"The answer is in the affirmative."</p> + +<p class="ind2">"Then I am yours."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>A SIGN OF DECAY.</h3> + +<p class="center1">(<i>A bull recently got into a china shop, +but was coaxed out before any damage +was done.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2"><span class="sc">We</span> cut but a decadent figure;</p> +<p class="i4">Our virtues grow sickly and pale;</p> +<p class="i2">Our forefathers' valour and vigour</p> +<p class="i4">Live only in poem and tale;</p> +<p class="i2">Our thews are beginning to soften;</p> +<p class="i4">No more are we sturdy and hard;</p> +<p class="i2">These facts have been often and often</p> +<p class="i4">Explained to the bard.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">But still to despondent repining</p> +<p class="i4">He never consented to yield;</p> +<p class="i2">For comfort amid our declining</p> +<p class="i4">He looked to the beasts of the field;</p> +<p class="i2">Though others grew haggard with grief, he</p> +<p class="i4">Maintained a refusal to quake</p> +<p class="i2">So long as our bulls remained beefy</p> +<p class="i4">And a steak <i>was</i> a steak.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">But now there <i>is</i> cause to repine, a</p> +<p class="i4">Dread portent of what to expect:</p> +<p class="i2">A bull has got <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'lose'">loose</ins> in the china</p> +<p class="i4">And nothing, no, nothing's been wrecked.</p> +<p class="i2">Where fragments were wont to be scattered</p> +<p class="i4">Like forest leaves under a gale</p> +<p class="i2">Not even a saucer was shattered</p> +<p class="i4">By a flick of the tail.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Oh, say, can this care for the teacup</p> +<p class="i4">Proclaim that the common decay</p> +<p class="i2">Is busting the bovine physique up</p> +<p class="i4">And hasting the horrible day</p> +<p class="i2">When the bard, too, must take up the story</p> +<p class="i4">That the halo of England grows dim,</p> +<p class="i2">Since the beef, whence she gathered her glory,</p> +<p class="i4">Is void of its vim?</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h4>Honours Easy.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"£25 Reward. Lost, either at Folkestone +Harbour or from a Pullman Car, a Gentleman's +Fur Coat, lined with minx." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>Morning Post.</i></p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Miss Trenerry, wearing a coat of rose +charmeuse, with white fur collar, and several +gentlemen."—<i>Express and Echo (Exeter).</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Young Man requires board and lodging in +Carshalton; hot and cold bath preferred." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>The Herald (Sutton).</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">He can't have it both ways at once.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"At the Gare de Lyon this afternoon Rolland +was welcomed by General de Castelnau, +who embraced him and took his arm to the +buffet of the station, where a reception was +held."—<i>Daily Telegraph.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">General <span class="sc">de Castelnau</span>. "<i>Donnez-le un +nom.</i>"</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page175" id="page175"></a>[pg 175]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/175-1000.png"><img src="images/175-400.png" width="400" height="457" alt="Tommy (his first visit to Madame Tussaud's). 'Mummy, can't that man talk either?'" /></a> +<p><i>Tommy (his first visit to Madame Tussaud's).</i> "<span class="sc">Mummy, can't that man talk either?</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2 class="sans">THE TELEPHONE AGAIN.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Ting-a-ling.</span></p> + +<p><i>Patient Subscriber.</i> Hullo.</p> + +<p><i>Gruff Voice.</i> Are you Bond and +Lapel?</p> + +<p><i>Patient Subscriber.</i> I'm afraid +you've got the wrong number. We're +Gerrard 932041. The Society for the +Prevention of Wet Feet amongst the +Genteel Poor.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + +* +* +* +* +*</p></blockquote> + +<p>Ting-a-ling.</p> + +<p><i>Same Patient Subscriber.</i> Hullo.</p> + +<p><i>Same Gruff Voice.</i> Bond and Lapel?</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> No, they've given you the +wrong number again. We're Gerrard +932041. Ring off, please.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + +* +* +* +* +*</p></blockquote> + +<p>Ting-a-ling.</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Hullo.</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> Bond and Lapel? I'm +Major——</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> My dear Sir, will you believe +me that we're <i>not</i> Bond and Lapel? +We're Gerrard 9-3-2-0-4-1. Don't let +me have to speak to you again, there's +a good fellow.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + +* +* +* +* +*</p></blockquote> + +<p>Ting-a-ling.</p> + +<p><i>Exchange.</i> You're thr-r-r-rough.</p> + +<table align="left" summary="Hullo" border="0"> +<tr> + <td class="left1"><i>S. G. V.</i><br /> + <i>S. P. S.</i></td> + <td class="bigbrace">}</td> + <td class="left1" valign="middle">Hullo.</td> +</tr> +</table> +<br /><br /><br /><br clear="all" /> +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> Bond and Lapel, dammit! +I want——Don't you "tut" me, Sir. +<span class="sc">I tell you you are.</span></p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Oh, all right. Well, what +can I do for you?</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> <span class="sc">Eh?</span></p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> I said, What can I do for +you?</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> I'm Major Smith. I want +you to make me——</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Marjorie who? Speak up, +please.</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> <span class="sc">Major, M-a-j-o-r, Major. +Major Smith. Can you hear that? +I want you to make me a blue +serge suit by to-morrow week.</span></p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> A little louder.... That's +better. If you'll wait a moment I'll +just jot down your measurements.</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> Measurements! What +the——! I'm Major Smith.</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Hold the line a moment and +I'll see if we have them. Are you +holding on?... Hullo. Major Smith, +you said? Sorry, but the fact is we've +got two Major Smiths on our books. +Would you kindly tell me which one +you are?</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> I'm Major—Smith—of—3—Mecklington—Gardens—Kensington.</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Oh, yes. Close to the Oval.</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> <span class="sc">Kens-s-sington!</span></p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Oh, Kensington with an "s." +Yes. I know. Well now, how would +you like it made? Will you have the +trousers to match? We're doing a +very smart line in buff canary trouserings, +just——</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> I said <span class="sc">A BLUE SERGE SUIT</span>, +Sir!</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Sorry. I was thinking of +the other Major Smith. Then we'll +say trousers to match. Yes, I've got +that. Do you wear them turned up or +down? Down. Trousers turned down +and sleeves turned up. No, both down. +Yes. Now what about box pleats? +Shall we say box pleats?</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> Don't you put any of your +new-fangled dodges on <i>my</i> clothes, +young man, because I won't have it.</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> <i>No</i> box pleats. I'll make a +special note of it. Then to-morrow +fortnight without fail.</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> To-morrow <span class="sc">WEEK</span>. And if +you don't send that dress suit of mine +by six to-night——</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Dress suit? Dress suit? +What dress suit? This is the first +I've heard of any dress suit.</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> <span class="sc">What?</span></p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> It can't be done, old chap. +You'll have to borrow one for to-night.</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> Y-y-you insolent p-puppy. +P-put me through to the manager. <span class="sc">At</span> +once.</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Thanks so much. Then I'll +put you down for a subscription. The +Society for the Prevention of Wet Feet +amongst the Genteel Poor, you know.</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> ——! ——! ——! (Biff +... bang ... ting-a-ling ... buz-z-z-z-z-z.)</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Exchange.</p> + +<p><i>Exchange.</i> Number, please.</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Put me through to the +Repairs Department.... Oh, Repairs +Department. I'm ringing up on behalf +of Major Smith, of 3, Mecklington +Gardens, Kensington. Send someone +round at once, please. His telephone +has burst.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h4><span class="sc">"St. Paul's.</span></h4> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">£70,000 wanted for the Fabric."</span> +</p> + +<p class="author1"><i>Standard.</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">Another chance for Mr. <span class="sc">Mallaby-Deeley</span>.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page176" id="page176"></a>[pg 176]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2 class="sans">THE WEDDING PRESENT.</h2> + +<p>"At last," I said, putting down my newspaper, "there +is hope for England. Here is a man who announces his +approaching marriage and hopes that wedding presents will +not be sent."</p> + +<p>"Pooh," said the lady of the house.</p> + +<p>"Why," said I, "do you say 'pooh'?"</p> + +<p>"Because," she said, "it's not a bit of good hoping for +anything of, the sort. You might just as well abolish +weddings at once. People won't go to one unless they +have a chance of seeing their own present and admiring it +so much that the detective begins to suspect them."</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said, "isn't the detective splendid? Nobody +ever fails to spot him, and yet there he is every time, firmly +convinced that everybody takes him for the bridegroom's +uncle or the bride's godfather by a former marriage, or +something of that sort. I really do feel I couldn't do without +the detective."</p> + +<p>"There you are," she said. "You can't have the detective +without the presents."</p> + +<p>"Very well," I said, "we'll let presents go on a bit +longer and chance it."</p> + +<p>"And don't you forget," she said firmly, "that you've +got to choose a present for George Henderson to-day."</p> + +<p>"George Henderson?" I said dreamily. "Do you think +George Henderson <i>wants</i> a present? Isn't he the sort +which 'hopes that wedding presents will not be sent'? +I've always felt he had a look in his eye which said, 'Dear +old chap, I shall be married some day.—Whatever you do, +don't send me a present.' Haven't you felt that about +him, too?"</p> + +<p>"No," she said, "I haven't. In fact George has always +seemed to me the very man for a present. And now he's +going to be married. It's the chance of a lifetime."</p> + +<p>"Well, then," I said, "if you feel like that <i>you</i> ought to +buy the present. You'll do it better. You'll put more +real feeling into it."</p> + +<p>"That may be," she said, "but you 're going to London, +and I'm not. You'll have to do it this time."</p> + +<p>"Oh, very well," I said; "have it your own way; but I +warn you I shall buy silver candlesticks."</p> + +<p>The two elder girls, who had been listening with eager +interest, now broke in.</p> + +<p>"Dad," said Helen to Rosie, "is going to try for his old +candlesticks."</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Rosie; "but you'll see he won't be allowed."</p> + +<p>"Cease, babblers," I said. "In earlier and less conjugal +days no wedding was considered complete without my +silver candlesticks. It was all so simple, too. I called at +Gillingham's, wrote out a card, gave an address, and away +went the present. And what's more, they all wrote back +and said it was the one thing they had been longing for."</p> + +<p>"Oh," said the lady of the house, "they'll write like +that about anything. At any rate, we won't have candlesticks. +They're quite useless now, you know. Nobody +has candles."</p> + +<p>"And that," I said, "is what makes candlesticks so +valuable. There's nothing base and utilitarian about them. +They are appreciated for their beauty, and there's an end +of them. Do, do let me buy a pair for George Henderson."</p> + +<p>"No," she said; "the whole of the rest of the silversmith's +art is open to you, but we will <i>not</i> have candlesticks."</p> + +<p>"I told you so," said Rosie to Helen.</p> + +<p>In the afternoon, accordingly, I wandered into the establishment +of Messrs. Gillingham, jewellers, goldsmiths and +silversmiths, and heaven knows what besides. For a few +moments I steeped myself in the glittering magnificence of +the objects displayed around me. Then a polite and very +well-dressed young man—not my usual one, but a stranger—spoke +to me.</p> + +<p>"Are you being attended to, Sir?" he said.</p> + +<p>"No," I said, "not yet. I'm not quite ready for it. +Still, I may as well begin."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sir."</p> + +<p>"What," I said, pointing to a diamond tiara, "is the +price of that?"</p> + +<p>Two ladies who were making a purchase turned round +and gazed at me with an awe-struck but approving look. +The young man was evidently much impressed.</p> + +<p>"That," he said, "is one of our newest designs. The +stones are all specially selected. The price"—he studied +the little tag attached to it—"the price is £1,050; very +cheap for the value."</p> + +<p>"It is," I said, "wonderfully cheap. I can't think how +you manage to do it. I will think about it. In the +meantime I should like to see something smaller and not +quite so valuable."</p> + +<p>"Is it a wedding present, Sir?"</p> + +<p>"Don't," I said, "let us call it a wedding present just +yet." If we do it's sure to turn out a sugar-sifter. Let's +think of it as a mere gift."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sir."</p> + +<p>"Of course we may find that the man to whom we're +going to give it is about to be married, but that will be +only the long arm, won't it?"</p> + +<p>"The—I beg your pardon, Sir;"</p> + +<p>"A coincidence, you know; and we're not the men to +be put off by coincidences, are we?"</p> + +<p>"No, Sir. Would you like to see the manager, Sir?"</p> + +<p>"No," I said, "the manager would only confuse me. +Show me some silver inkstands and some sugar-jugs—I +mean some claret-sifters—that is, some silver decanters, +you know, and some silver fruit-baskets."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sir." He went away and returned with an inkstand.</p> + +<p>"This," he said, "is a very favourite pattern. It combines +a large inkpot and a match-stand and a rack for the +pens——"</p> + +<p>"I know," I said; "they never stay in it."</p> + +<p>"No, Sir. And there's a little candlestick for sealing-wax——"</p> + +<p>"I'll have it," I said feverishly. "Put it aside for me +at once. This is really a most remarkable piece of luck."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sir. Anything else?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said. "I'll have a sugar-sifter, too. Any +sugar-sifter will do. I'm only doing it as a concession."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sir. Where shall I send them?"</p> + +<p>I gave the address with great gusto, and when I reported +the result of my labours at home I said nothing about the +little candlestick. The mere joy of having bought it was +enough for me. Thus George Henderson received from us +his fifth inkstand and his seventh sugar-sifter. He wrote +and said that they were the two things he had most been +wishing for.</p> + +<p class="author">R. C. L.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"He looked at her with infinite gentleness. 'I know all about it,' +he said.</p> + +<p>She covered her face with her hands and cried brokenly. But, +coming closer, he put both hands on her shoulders, and lifted her +tea-stained face to his."—<i>Tasmanian Courier Annual.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">Tea merchants are invited to compete for the advertisement.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Hodgkins, however; drew ahead, and finally won as stated, the +scores being: Hodgkins, 400; Sunderland, 367. The winner's best +breaks were 24 and 17 (twice), and the doser's 32, 25, and 20." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>Sporting Life.</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">He should have made the dose stronger.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page177" id="page177"></a>[pg 177]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/177-1500.png"><img src="images/177-600.png" width="600" height="427" alt="Dog Pincher (to possible purchaser). 'I wouldn't sell 'im for fifty quid, only they don't allow no dawgs in our flats....'" /></a> +<p><i>Dog Pincher (to possible purchaser).</i> "<span class="sc">I wouldn't sell 'im for fifty quid, only they don't allow no dawgs in our flats +at Mallaby Mansions.</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>FARES.</h2> + +<p>"Is that you, Herbert?" I said in +surprise.</p> + +<p>It was.</p> + +<p>Strange how machinery can influence +a man. The last time I had seen +Herbert he was a rubicund cheerful +gardener. He was now a London taxi-driver, +with all the signs of that +mystery on him: the shabbiness, the +weariness, the disdain.</p> + +<p>"Are you glad you gave up gardening?" +I asked him.</p> + +<p>"Can't say I am now," he replied. +"There's more money in this, but the +work's too hard. I miss my sleep, +too."</p> + +<p>"You can always go back," I said.</p> + +<p>"I wonder," he replied. "I'd like +to. This being at every one's beck and +call who happens to have a shilling is +what I'm tired of."</p> + +<p>"What about tips?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"I get plenty of them," he said. +"In fact, if the clock registers tenpence +or one and fourpence or one and tenpence +I practically always get the odd +twopence. That's all right. It's the +people who don't want to tip but +daren't not do it that I can't stand. +And there are such lots of them. +That's what makes taxi-drivers look so +contemptuous like—the tips. People +think we want the tips; but there's +a time when we'd rather go without +them than get them like that."</p> + +<p>I sympathised with him.</p> + +<p>"Then there are the fares who always +know a quicker way than we do. +They're terrors. They keep on tapping +on the glass to direct us, when we know +all about it all the time. It's them +that leads to some of the accidents, +because they take your eyes off the +road."</p> + +<p>I sympathised again and made some +mental notes for future behaviour +myself.</p> + +<p>"But the pedestrians are the worst," +he continued.</p> + +<p>"The pedestrians?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, the people who walk across +the road without giving a thought to +the fact that there might be a vehicle +coming. The people that never learn. +The people that call you names or +make faces at you after you've saved +their silly lives by blowing the hooter +at them. Every minute of the day one +is having trouble with them, and it gets +on one's nerves. It's them that makes +a taxi-driver look old sooner than a +woman."</p> + +<p>"So you'll go back to the land?" +I said.</p> + +<p>"I don't know," he said. "I'd like +to, but petrol gets into the blood, you +know."</p> + +<p class="ind">I suppose it does.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Dr. Grenfell remarked that the tourist +traffic [to Labrador] was beginning to grow. +Life in winter was very attractive, and was +enjoyed as people enjoyed winter in Norway. +One of his few personal reminiscences was +how he fell through the ice and expected to +be frozen to death."—<i>Manchester Guardian.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">Us for Labrador, every time.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind2">Paragraph in a petition addressed to +a Government official by a Baboo +who wished to protest against the conduct +of another Baboo:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"His hatred of me is so much that in the +heat of his animosity he wilfully omitted to +put in the formal ephithet 'Mr.' to my name, +which no man of honour would drop because +not so much for disregarding me, but that he +would be doing injustice to the European +etiquette." +</p></blockquote> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page178" id="page178"></a>[pg 178]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2 class="sans">AT THE PLAY.</h2> + +<h4>"<span class="sc">The Land of Promise.</span>"</h4> + +<p>"<span class="sc">I'm</span> about fed up with God's Own +Country," says the waster in the play, +a youth who, after exchanging a safe +thousand a year at Bridge for the dangerous +delights of "Chemin-de-fer," had +been invited by a stern sire to migrate +to Canada. And even so he had not +been present during the Third Act to +see the things that we saw, or he +would have learnt some more discouraging +facts which are never mentioned +in the philosophy of the emigration-agents; +for example, that the +solitude and wide spaces of the Golden +West seem to induce, even in the honest +native worker, a reversion to the state +of a dragon of the prime. But he had +already seen, in the case of <i>Norah +Marsh</i>, whom poverty had driven to +seek the shelter of her brother's roof +on a Manitoba farm, how the drudgery +and petty jealousies of a narrow Colonial +<i>ménage</i>, the familiar society of hired +hands, and the lack of life's common +amenities, had developed a gently-bred +Englishwoman into a sour-tongued +shrew.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;"><a href="images/178-600.png"><img src="images/178-300.png" width="300" height="379" alt="Extract from 'The Prentice' (Manitoba)" /></a> +<p><i>Extract from "The Prentice (Manitoba) +Post"</i>:—"The wedding was quite an impromptu +affair, the happy pair going straight +to Mr. Taylor's shack, where they are spending +the honeymoon quietly."</p> + +<p class="ind"><i>Norah</i> Miss <span class="sc">Irene Vanbrugh</span>.</p> + +<p class="ind"><i>Frank Taylor</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Godfrey Tearle</span>. +</p></div> + +<p>Worse was to follow when, as a +sole escape from the bitter spite of +her plebeian hostess, she consented to +marry a barbarian who was looking for +a woman-of-all-work to manage his +primitive shack. Here, having already +mislaid her feminine charm, she loses all +sense of honesty. First, when ordered +to do her household duties—which +were of the essence of the contract—she +declines to obey till he uses brute +force; and then, when he demands +of her the attitude of a wife (a very +embarrassing scene), she protests that +this was no part of the bargain.</p> + +<p>I can't imagine what she supposed +the bargain was about, if it didn't +require her to be either wife or servant.</p> + +<p>Terrorism was the man's simple solution; +but those who looked, in the last +Act, for a tamed and adoring shrew were +to be disappointed. Brute force had +only produced a patient obedience; and +it was not till a damaged crop had +brought them to the edge of ruin that +she consented to become his ministering +angel. But by that time we knew +too well her distaste for Manitoban +methods to believe in the sincerity of +this sudden conversion.</p> + +<p>Altogether, after what Mr. <span class="sc">Maugham</span> +has done to my illusions, I have given +up any thought of going to God's Own +Country in search of a larger existence.</p> + +<p>The acting was perhaps better than +the play, though the play was good up +to a point. The Second Act, with its +fierce jealousy and wrangling and the +futile efforts of the farmer (admirably +played by Mr. <span class="sc">C. V. France</span>) to intervene +between wife and sister, was +excellent. For the rest, it was the +personality of Mr. <span class="sc">Godfrey Tearle</span>, +as the savage mate of the shrew, that +dominated the scene. There is no +better rough diamond (and he was +really very rough) in the whole stock +of stage-jewellery. Miss <span class="sc">Irene Vanbrugh</span>, +though no actress could have +done more with her part, had less +chance than usual of showing her +particular gift of <i>finesse</i>; and <i>Norah's</i> +character was too inconsistent to +command our sympathy. Not that +we necessarily gave it to the man. Indeed +it was a flaw in the play that our +sympathies were never thoroughly engaged +by either party. We were, of +course, prepared to range ourselves on +the winning side, but there was no +victory. The issue was decided by <i>force +majeure</i> in the shape of a wretched +weed that destroyed the crop.</p> + +<p>The situations, though of a rather +strenuous order, gave occasion from +time to time for humorous relief. At +first, when the English servant in the +opening Act rudely interposed with a +facetious comment on the sincerity of +the grief of certain mourners, I feared +lest the humour was going to be distributed +loosely without regard to the +propriety of its mouthpiece. But the +rest was reasonable enough; and my +only complaint about the best repartee +("There's no place like home." "Some +people are glad there isn't") has to do +with its antiquity rather than with its +appropriateness.</p> + +<p>I have never been to Manitoba (and, +after seeing <i>The Land of Promise</i>, I am +definitely resolved, as I said, never +to go), so I cannot say whether Mr. +<span class="sc">Maugham's</span> interiors corresponded to +the facts; but their freedom from any +signs of picturesqueness gave them +an air of being the right thing. Life +in these parts no doubt revolves largely +round the simple joys of the stomach. +Seldom have I seen so much eating on +the stage. We began at Tunbridge +Wells with a funeral tea (though perhaps +I ought to pass this over as +taking place outside the Dominion); +then as soon as we get to Dyer (Manitoba) +we had a mid-day dinner, with +washing-up; and then at Prentice +(Manitoba) we were regaled with a +supper of black tea and syrup.</p> + +<p>I am confident that there is a great +opening for drama dealing solely with +Life Between Meals. To see people +smoking on the stage is sufficiently +irritating; but, when you are assisting +at a First Night after a sketchy repast +from the grill, all this feeding on the +stage, however frugal the menu, makes +for exasperation.</p> + +<p>Finally I must compliment Mr. +<span class="sc">Maugham</span> on his ironical title. For +his play, too, is a thing "of promise" +rather than achievement, if it is to be +judged by the test of the Last Act. +Still, if a play only promises well +enough and long enough—as this play +did—that is an achievement in itself.</p> + +<p class="author">O. S.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>THE TORTOISESHELL CAT.</h3> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i6"><span class="sc">The</span> tortoiseshell cat</p> +<p class="i6">She sits on the mat,</p> +<p class="i2">As gay as a sunflower she;</p> +<p class="i4">In orange and black you see her blink,</p> +<p class="i4">And her waistcoat's white, and her nose is pink,</p> +<p class="i2">And her eyes are green of the sea.</p> +<p class="i4">But all is vanity, all the way;</p> +<p class="i4">Twilight's coming and close of day,</p> +<p class="i4">And every cat in the twilight's grey,</p> +<p class="i6">Every possible cat.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i6">The tortoiseshell cat</p> +<p class="i6">She is smooth and fat,</p> +<p class="i2">And we call her Josephine,</p> +<p class="i4">Because she weareth upon her back</p> +<p class="i4">This coat of colours, this raven black,</p> +<p class="i2">This red of the tangerine.</p> +<p class="i4">But all is vanity, all the way;</p> +<p class="i4">Twilight follows the brightest day,</p> +<p class="i4">And every cat in the twilight's grey,</p> +<p class="i6">Every possible cat.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h4>The Thrusters.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"The Ball given by the Ministry of Communications +last night in the new Waichiaopu +Building was a great success in every way. +Although only 1,500 invitations were sent out, +more than that number of guests attended the +Ball."—<i>Peking Daily News.</i> +</p></blockquote> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page179" id="page179"></a>[pg 179]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 750px;"><a href="images/179-1500.png"><img src="images/179-600.png" width="600" height="472" alt="In the almost certain prospect of a stormy Session, why not adopt the 'Terrace' system as now used at the Zoo?" /></a> +<p><span class="sc">In the almost certain prospect of a stormy Session, why not adopt the "Terrace" system as now used at the Zoo?</span></p></div> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2 class="sans">OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + +<p>I think I could best convey my impression of Miss +<span class="sc">Ethel Sidgwick's</span> work by quoting the advertisement of +a popular magazine which used to proclaim that "these +stories are different." All of Miss <span class="sc">Sidgwick's</span> are this, +though you might possibly be hard put to it to say exactly +how. It is chiefly an affair of style; there is about all of +them a certain dignity of utterance that combines with +their humanity to produce an effect wholly individual and +rare. Take her latest example, <i>A Lady of Leisure</i> (<span class="sc">Sidgwick +and Jackson</span>). There is really very little to arrest +attention in the story itself; the characters are persons +whom you could meet every day, but in Miss <span class="sc">Sidgwick's</span> +hands they become creatures of extraordinary fascination. +The result is a novel by no means easy to criticise; partly +because one is left with the feeling (of course the most +subtle compliment to any author) that the characters have +fashioned it themselves. Time and again one seems to +observe Miss <span class="sc">Sidgwick</span> working towards some inevitable +<i>scène-à-faire</i>, when bounce! off go her people on an entirely +unexpected tack, which you must yet admit to be the +very one they quite obviously would follow. Never was a +cast so incalculably alive. Naturally for this reason its +vagaries (they are almost all in love and generally with the +wrong person) would take too long to recount in detail. I +can only state my personal preference for the group that +consists of the heroine, <i>Violet Ashwin</i>, her father, the +fashionable physician, and her brainless but quite wonderful +mother. I plump for the <i>Ashwin</i> household in short as a +really brilliant contribution to the homes in modern fiction. +I don't say you will find their charm easy of assimilation. +The society of such clever and elusive folk as <i>Violet</i> and +her father is bound to be hard going at first for the +general. But <i>Mrs. Ashwin</i>—oh, she is a joy, a marvel, +an exasperation! You will delight to read about her.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p>The first thing I have to say about <i>Initiation</i> (<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>) +is that it might have been written by Dr. <span class="sc">Clifford</span>. +The nice people in it are all Roman Catholics, but a group +of Huguenots or of Calvinistic Methodists would have +served the author's purpose equally well. For <span class="sc">Robert +Hugh Benson</span>, the novelist, has (so to speak) told +Monsignor <span class="sc">Benson</span>, the priest, to mind his own business, +and leave him to his, which is the telling of a story, and +not the advocacy of any particular form of religion. The +second point to notice in the book is that it divides its +characters, and incidentally all characters, into those who +are initiated and those who are not. The initiated are +those who have learnt, chiefly by suffering, the lesson of +life, which is that it treats us as it likes. Because they +have learnt it, they trust, even when they do not understand, +the purpose of the life-giver; because they trust +they do not kick against the pricks. The young Catholic +English gentleman, of whose initiation the story tells, +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page180" id="page180"></a>[pg 180]</span> +suffers prodigiously under two of the greatest misfortunes, +physical and mental, that a man may endure and live. And +yet, when he comes to die, you feel, and he knows, that +they are not misfortunes, but the opening up of the way +of life. The chief cause of his mental suffering, a young +girl of eighteen or nineteen, is described (well on in +the book) as a practically insane egoist. She is, to my +mind, the weak spot in the story. Frankly I don't believe +in her. A girl of her age could not have been so selfishly +cruel, and yet have taken in her world as she did. I +will own that she took me in at first; but that was the +author's fault. He ought not to have let me, as his +reader, think her charming and particularly sympathetic +when he knew all the time that she cared for no one but +herself. I don't think that is playing the game. All the I +same, I like his book.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p>Having read Mr. <span class="sc">Reginald Blunt's</span> book, <i>In Cheyne +Walk and Thereabout</i> (<span class="sc">Mills and Boon</span>), I am now prepared +to pass an examination in the history and the +worthies (or unworthies) of Chelsea. I know that <span class="sc">Don +Saltero</span> was no +Spaniard, but an ardent +collector of childish curiosities +who for a time +kept a coffee-house and +a smoking club of which +"the ornaments and apparatus" +were eventually +offered to <span class="sc">Charles Lamb</span>. +If I am asked about Dr. +<span class="sc">Messenger Monsey</span> I +shall say that he "tried +hard, but with indifferent +success, to popularise his +own method of extracting +teeth by tying one end of +a piece of catgut to the +offending molar and the +other to a perforated +bullet, putting the latter +with a full charge of powder +into a revolver and +then pulling the trigger." +Then again there is <span class="sc">Bartholomew Joseph Alexander de +Dominiceti</span>, Lord <span class="sc">de Cete et de cortesi</span>, Knight of the +Holy Boman Empire and Noble of Venice in terra firma. +How did he with his resounding name come to be in Chelsea +and there establish "baths, fumigatory stoves and sweating +chambers" for the relief of distressed humanity? This question +and a hundred others of a similar nature you will find +answered in Mr. <span class="sc">Blunt's</span> delightful book. Let Mr. <span class="sc">Blunt</span> +take you by the hand and guide you through his beloved +Chelsea. He is the most urbane and the most agreeably +gossiping companion. He will re-introduce you to Sir +<span class="sc">Thomas More</span>, Sir <span class="sc">Hans Sloane</span>; to <span class="sc">Neild</span>, the prison-reformer, +and his son <span class="sc">John</span>, the famous miser; to the +<span class="sc">Carlyles</span> and their servant <span class="sc">Jessie Heddlestone</span>, and a +host of others. And he will remind you that Dr. <span class="sc">Johnson</span> +endeavoured to manufacture Chelsea china, and that his +<i>chefs d'œuvre</i> always collapsed in the firing. Take my +advice and acquire Mr. <span class="sc">Blunt's</span> book.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p>I suspect that <i>Mr. Simpson</i>, who gives his name to the +story <i>Simpson</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>), can hardly have shared my own +exhausting acquaintance with modern fiction, otherwise it +is unlikely that he would have behaved as he did. What +happened was this. <i>Simpson</i>, though on the wrong side of +forty, well off and eminently lovable, was unmarried. Finding +a charming old house in the country, he conceives the +idea of renting it as a kind of bachelor residential club +where he and other congenial cronies can enjoy the life of +ease untroubled by any form of feminism. Well, that, to +start with, one might fairly describe as "asking for it." But +when I add that the old house in question was the property +of a still young and charming widow you will probably +agree with me that poor <i>Simpson</i> hadn't even a dog's +chance from the beginning. It is possible that this fore-dooming +may a little spoil your enjoyment of Miss <span class="sc">Elinor +Mordaunt's</span> otherwise pleasant tale. Naturally, so far +from women being banished from its pages, they simply +abound; and the tale of the progress of the bachelor club +resolves itself into a chronicle of proposals. There is however +an attractive variety about the love affairs, of which +I liked best that of the youngest couple. With two there +is a note of tragedy; and though the courtship of <i>Gilbert +Strong</i>, a respectable country lawyer, and the wild gipsy +whom he marries may strike you as fantastic, the end of +their romance is well told with a fine suggestion of inevitability. +On the whole an agreeable and easy-going +tale, though without any +unusual claim to distinction.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/180-1000.png"><img src="images/180-600.png" width="600" height="388" alt="It was an ambitious youth who, while travelling on the Continent,..." /></a> +<p><span class="sc">It was an ambitious youth who, while travelling on the Continent, +was offered the crown of one of the smaller states and refused it, +saying, he "disliked these blind-alley occupations.</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p>I quite realise that I +have not the shadow +of a case against Mr. +<span class="sc">Algernon Blackwood</span>. +He frankly calls his book +<i>Ten Minute Stories</i> +(<span class="sc">Murray</span>), and that is +exactly what they are. +Nevertheless I did feel +a little aggrieved when +each of them stopped +with a jerk just as I had +become absorbed. One +has a sense of having +been cheated of one's +rights. That is why, +though many of these +sketches are as good as +they can be, I do not +think that the book will be quite so popular as others of +his. But devout Blackwoodsmen will add it to their collections +and re-read the majority of its contents again and +again, as I propose to do. On second thoughts, indeed, +I may say that perhaps Mr. <span class="sc">Blackwood</span> is not so unfair +to his public as I have suggested, for he is one of those +writers who are not dead and done with after a first +perusal. He can pack a vast deal of food for thought even +into a ten-minute story. A good example of what I mean +is to be found in number fifteen of the collection, "Ancient +Lights." Even a scene-shifter at the Savoy Theatre would +believe in fairies after one reading of that. And if, after +studying "If the Cap Fits," you lightly steal a fellow-member's +hat from your club, I shall regard you as a very +reckless dashing fellow. With the awful example of <i>Field-Martin</i> +before me, I would not do it for a fortune. I shall +buy one of those frightful plush hats which you see in shops +but never out of them, and I shall have my name in large +letters on the inside band. And to the hat-waiter's insidious +"This is just as good, Sir," as he offers me some sinister +bowler or topper with a past, I shall reply with gestures of +disgust and threats to write to the committee.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Detached 7-roomed horse wanted."—<i>The Norbury Weekly News.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">Where is your one-stalled ox now?</p> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<table align="center" summary="transcriber note" style="margin-top: 3em; margin-bottom: 3em;"> +<tr> + <td class="note"> + +<h4>Transcriber's Note:</h4> + +<p>Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been repaired.</p> + +<p>Corrections are also indicated, in the text, by a dotted line underneath the correction.</p> +<p style="margin-top:-1em;">Scroll the mouse over the word and the original text will <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'apprear'">appear</ins>.</p> + +<p>Page 161: 'Deutches' is as printed. (Alternative spelling). "Herr <span class="sc">Reinhardt</span>'s Deutches Theater"</p> + +<p>Page 174: 'beleagured' corrected to 'beleaguered'. "likened to a beleaguered garrison,"</p> + +<p>Page 174: 'lose' corrected to 'loose'. "A bull has got loose in the china"</p> + +<p>Page 174: 'privonces' is as printed. (A 'Punch' joke: Metrolopis).</p> + + +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +146, March 4th 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 38794-h.htm or 38794-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/7/9/38794/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> + diff --git a/38794-h/images/161-350.png b/38794-h/images/161-350.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1e54a7e --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/161-350.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/161-800.png b/38794-h/images/161-800.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..62d3b84 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/161-800.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/163-1200.png b/38794-h/images/163-1200.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..30a1f1f --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/163-1200.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/163-375.png b/38794-h/images/163-375.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bfd3864 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/163-375.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/165-1500.png b/38794-h/images/165-1500.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..19c2587 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/165-1500.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/165-600.png b/38794-h/images/165-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..aaef9d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/165-600.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/166-300.png b/38794-h/images/166-300.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..724f4c7 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/166-300.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/166-800.png b/38794-h/images/166-800.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..557d619 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/166-800.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/167-1500.png b/38794-h/images/167-1500.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..55c5c6c --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/167-1500.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/167-600.png b/38794-h/images/167-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f5bcaf9 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/167-600.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/169-1500.png b/38794-h/images/169-1500.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8c45e98 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/169-1500.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/169-600.png b/38794-h/images/169-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7d6072 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/169-600.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/170-1500.png b/38794-h/images/170-1500.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ce6657a --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/170-1500.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/170-600.png b/38794-h/images/170-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6ae9dfc --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/170-600.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/171-1140.png b/38794-h/images/171-1140.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e14636 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/171-1140.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/171-350.png b/38794-h/images/171-350.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..328b58e --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/171-350.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/173-1000.png b/38794-h/images/173-1000.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cf24505 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/173-1000.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/173-430.png b/38794-h/images/173-430.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a75a5b5 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/173-430.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/174-320.png b/38794-h/images/174-320.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..656acd3 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/174-320.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/174-800.png b/38794-h/images/174-800.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e59c6c4 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/174-800.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/175-1000.png b/38794-h/images/175-1000.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d6f12d9 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/175-1000.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/175-400.png b/38794-h/images/175-400.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f449185 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/175-400.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/177-1500.png b/38794-h/images/177-1500.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0a3abb0 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/177-1500.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/177-600.png b/38794-h/images/177-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a537d86 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/177-600.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/178-300.png b/38794-h/images/178-300.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c7e087c --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/178-300.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/178-600.png b/38794-h/images/178-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bf5c9f4 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/178-600.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/179-1500.png b/38794-h/images/179-1500.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..076d1df --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/179-1500.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/179-600.png b/38794-h/images/179-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3241926 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/179-600.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/180-1000.png b/38794-h/images/180-1000.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..17022ba --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/180-1000.png diff --git a/38794-h/images/180-600.png b/38794-h/images/180-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..48ffba6 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/images/180-600.png diff --git a/38794.txt b/38794.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..219a0c7 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2467 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, +March 4th 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, March 4th 1914 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: February 9, 2012 [EBook #38794] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + * * * * * + + Punch, or the London Charivari + + Volume 146, March 4th 1914 + + _edited by Owen Seaman_ + + * * * * * + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +According to _The Globe_ Mr. YEO, in returning thanks after the Poplar +election, shouted to a female interrupter; "Shut up, you silly +cat, shut up!" To this, we understand, the cat retorted generously, +"My-Yeo!" + + * * * + +The GABY DESLYS' tradition? Miss LOTTIE VENNE is appearing at the +Criterion in a _Pair of Silk Stockings_, and Miss MARY MOORE is +touring the provinces in _Mrs. Gorringe's Necklace_. + + * * * + +The KAISER has forbidden the production at Herr REINHARDT'S Deutches +Theater of a play called _Ferdinand, Prince of Prussia_, on the ground +that one of the characters is a member of the Prussian Royal Family. +We ourselves should never have dared to hint that this fact renders +the play unfit for the public. + + * * * + +Cheery notice on the window of an insurance office in New Broad +Street, E.C.:-- + + "GUARANTEES, + SICKNESS + COMBINED + WITH ACCIDENT." + + * * * + +Dr. DURHAM lectured last week on Explosives as an aid to Gardening; +but many persons think that the quiet man who does not lose his temper +gets better results. + + * * * + +Burglars, last week, broke into a synagogue at Newcastle-on-Tyne and +removed practically all the articles of value, including a silver cup +and a pointer. Surprise is expressed in some quarters that the pointer +should not have given the alarm by barking. + + * * * + +Living artists sometimes complain that it is only the Old Masters who +are appreciated nowadays. Authors would seem to be more fortunate. +Take the following paragraph from _The Bedford Express_:--"On Sunday +the well-known elocutionist, Mr. FREDERICK DUXBURY, visited Stevenage. +He preached morning and evening at the Wesleyan Church, and in the +afternoon he gave a sacred recital. His principal item on Sunday +afternoon was Coulson Kernahan's 'God and the Ant,' but he included +one or two lesser pieces, including a chapter from the book of Job." + + * * * + +It was stated last week in the Marylebone Police Court that there is +a gang of thieves in London who do not hesitate to steal motor-cars +whenever they find them unattended in the street. These scoundrels are +crafty enough not to pick up the cars and put them under their arm, +for they realise that this might attract attention, but they just jump +in and drive off. + + * * * + +We are glad to note a renewed outcry against the unearthly noises made +by many motor-car hooters. If they must run over us, the least they +can do is to let us die in peace. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dad_ (_who has brought his son to the links for the +first time_). "IS IT A GOOD LIE, HAROLD?" + +_Harold_ (_unconsciously ranking himself with the Great_). "FATHER, I +CANNOT TELL A GOOD LIE."] + + * * * * * + +It seems a pity that so little is done to encourage the growing love +of art among the criminal classes. The Italian gentleman who guarded +"La Gioconda" so carefully has not been so much as thanked for his +pains, and now it is stated that six persons have been arrested in +Paris and Brussels for removing art objects from the admittedly unsafe +custody of museums. + + * * * + +Stout residents of Cornforth, Durham, having protested against the +narrowness of some of the gateways on the local paths, the parish +council has decided to widen them. It was found that this would be +more economical than to send these citizens to Marienbad to have their +bulk reduced. + + * * * + +Publishers are continually making finds, and Messrs. DUCKWORTH AND CO. +have been peculiarly fortunate. In their current list they announce +the publication of "Lost Diaries" and "The Lost Road." + + * * * + + "Sale of Votes by Women. + + Incidents in a Chicago Election." + + _Daily Express._ + +By a curious coincidence we have seen ladies selling _Votes for Women_ +in the streets of London. + + * * * + +Yet another example of the industry of the foreigner. A pamphlet +issued by the Lincolnshire Chick Farm informs us that "On the Cyphers' +Co. Poultry Plant, one flock of 400 White Leghorns shows an average +of 185.2 eggs per bird in 36.5 days." This, we need scarcely tell our +readers, works out at 5.06849315 eggs per bird per day. + + * * * * * + +Another Episcopal Scandal. + +"KING AND NEW BISHOPS. + + The King received at Buckingham Palace to-day the new Bishops + of Chelmsford and St. Edmundsbury and Ipswich. The Home + Secretary administered the oath. + +FOUND TO BE INSANE. + + Judgment was reserved." + + _Westminster Gazette._ + + * * * * * + + "Much the largest of all the woodpeckers in this country is the + great black woodpecker (_Picus martius_). This is a very rare + species, occurring only in the wilds of the wooded mountain areas. + It is about 18 miles in length." + + _Pekin and Tientsin Times._ + +As the crow flies. + + * * * * * + +England's far-reaching Influence. + + "RESULT OF THE POPLAR ELECTION. + + NO FOREIGNER SAFE IN MEXICO." + + "_Yorkshire Observer" Placard._ + + * * * * * + + "SIR WILLIAM RAMSAY'S POSER STARTLES AUDIENCE. + + Special Cable to the New York Times and Montreal Gazette. + + London, February 4.--Sir William Ramsay raised the question + whether the unfit should be left to die at the annual dinner + of the Institute of Sanitary Engineers to-night." + + _The Gazette (Montreal)._ + +There would, of course, be no difficulty about the "funeral baked +meats." + + * * * * * + +IN MEMORIAM. + +John Tenniel. + + BORN 1820. + DIED FEBRUARY 25TH, 1914. + + Now he whose gallant heart so lightly bore + So long the burden of the years' increase + Passes at length toward the silent shore, + From peace to deeper peace. + + And we, his honoured comrades, by whose side + His haunting spirit keeps its ancient spell, + We bring our tribute, woven of love and pride, + And say a last farewell. + + Yet not farewell; because eternal youth + Still crowns the craftsmanship where hand and eye + Saw and interpreted the soul of Truth, + Letting the rest go by. + + Thus for his pictured pageant, gay or grave, + He seized and fixed the moving hour's event, + Maker of history by the life he gave + To fact with fancy blent. + + So lives the Artist in the work he wrought; + Yet Nature dowered the Man with gifts more dear-- + A chivalrous true knight in deed and thought, + Without reproach or fear. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +THE PERFECT CONDUCTOR. + +"GOOD MORNING, Sir," he said, as I boarded a leviathan one day +last week. "What a beautiful morning, isn't it? What can I have the +pleasure of doing for you?" He daftly pulled half-a-dozen tickets from +his stock and permitted me to inspect them. + +"Fresh in this morning, Sir," he continued. "White, one penny; a great +many people prefer them because they go well with any colour. For the +blue ones we are asking twopence; they have only the same amount of +information but take you twice as far. Sweet shade, isn't it?" He +stepped back and held one up to the light for my benefit. + +"Well, I really only wanted a pennyworth, but I _must_ have one of +the blue ones--they _are_ attractive, as you say. I shall keep it in +memory of you." + +"Very good of you, Sir. You won't mind my making a little hole in +it? A mere matter of form; and the bell, which rings to announce the +conclusion of the operation, is, as you will notice, quite musical. A +sovereign? I shall be delighted to change it for you." He gave me the +correct change, bowed, and turned to answer a lady passenger. + +"Have we passed Sloane Street?" she had enquired. + +"We passed it at least five minutes ago, madam. Were you wishing to +alight there?" + +"I was," replied the lady; "but don't trouble--I can walk back." + +He was horrified at the thought. + +"Certainly not, my dear madam," he protested. Turning to the little +ventilator-window by which he could communicate with the driver, he +rapped. "William," he called, "a lady here desired to get down at +Sloane Street. Do you mind...?" + +"Charles," responded the driver, stopping the 'bus, "you know our one +ambition is to please the passengers who so trustfully commit themselves +to our charge. Mingle my regrets with yours, as representing the +Company, that we should have omitted clearly to intimate when we were in +the vicinity of Sloane Street. We will lose no time in correcting the +error." + +"William," said Charles, "it is only what I should have expected of +you. It is the least we can do." William turned the 'bus carefully +and ran quickly back, to the admiration of the other passengers, who +murmured unanimous approval of such graceful courtesy. + +"This," announced Charles, as we pulled up after a while, having +recovered the lost ground, "is South Kensington Station. We stay here +one full minute for the advantage of any person who wishes to visit +the neighbourhood; after which we shall proceed, if all goes well, +to Putney, taking with us perchance those who have business in that +direction." + +I prepared to alight, and Charles shook my hand warmly. + +"Speaking for William and myself, Sir, representing the Company," he +said with emotion, "we are indeed sorry to lose you. It would have +given us both great pleasure could your presence have graced the +remainder of the journey. Still, doubtless your private affairs compel +you to sever this so charming acquaintanceship, and on some future +occasion I trust we may again meet?" + +"I trust so, Charles," I answered. "Farewell." + +"_Au revoir_," said Charles, waving a hand. Sorrowfully I left him, +hearing as I departed his dulcet tones addressing the passers-by: "If +anyone would care to step on, we are going to...." + + * * * * * + +MANNERS FOR PARENTS. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Instead of writing all this nonsense about the +behaviour of boys at school, why doesn't someone write about the +behaviour of parents at school--at their son's school, I mean? That is +a subject which really requires ventilation, for the behaviour of most +parents at school is _positively mouldy_. + +Of course it's very nice for your people to come down and see you +and all that, but there's a good deal of anxiety about it which might +easily be avoided, and I have therefore written out a few simple RULES +FOR PARENTS AT SCHOOL which I hope you will publish. + +(I.) Do not greet your son upon your arrival with "Well, boysie," or +some such rotten expression as that. It's the sort of thing that it +may take him years to live down. + +(II.) Do not insist upon attaching the son of your old friend Smith +to the party. Old Smith may be all right, but young Smith may be in a +House you can't mix with, or something like that. + +(III.) Do not say to your son, of someone else's cap, "That's a pretty +cap; why don't you have one like it?" because it's probably either the +First XI. colours, or the cap of a House you wouldn't be seen dead in. + +(IV.) Do not tell the House Master how well your son played in the +boys' cricket match last summer holidays. Your son is probably a +perfect rabbit, and the master is certain to know it. + +(V.) Do not discuss such subjects as "The Public School and the +Development of Character" with the masters in your son's presence. +It's very unpleasant to have the development of your character +discussed. In fact it's hardly decent. + +(VI.) Do not treat a member of the XI. as if he were an ordinary +person; and-- + +(VII.) For Heaven's sake don't walk across Great Green. Only fellows +who have been in the XI. two seasons may do so, yet I've known parents +wander all over it before their sons could stop them, and only laugh +when told what they had done! + +Hoping you will publish this, as I think you ought to do, + + Yours truly, + CHUBB Minor. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NINE OLD MEN OF THE SEA. + +RAMSAY MACSINDBAD. "WELL, WELL, IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE. THERE MIGHT +HAVE BEEN TEN OF 'EM."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE NEW BLOOD FOR OLD ENGLAND. + +INTRIGUED BY THE ACTION OF THE GREAT EASTERN RAILWAY AUTHORITIES +IN IMPORTING A NEW MANAGER FROM THE STATES, THE GOVERNMENT, IT IS +RUMOURED, ARE ABOUT TO GO EVEN FURTHER AFIELD IN SEARCH OF PROMISING +TALENT FOR THE FRONT BENCH.] + + * * * * * + +MY HEROES. + +Every day of my life I am more and more impressed by the genius of two +men. These men are GUTENBERG and MORSE. GUTENBERG invented printing +and MORSE was more or less in at the birth of telegraphy. What should +we do without either? + +It is morning and I turn to the paper. It happens to be _The Daily +Graphic_. What do I find? I find GUTENBERG and MORSE once more in +collaboration. Thus:-- + +"MR. BALFOUR LOSES HIS WAY. + + CANNES, Monday. + + Mr. Balfour paid a visit yesterday in pouring rain to Mr. + Chamberlain at the Villa Victoria. Mr. Balfour lost his way, + and passing the house strolled along the Frejus road, scanning + the name of every house until he found a chauffeur who + directed him to the Villa Victoria. Subsequently Mr. + Balfour returned to the Hotel Continental and motored out to + dinner.--Central News." + +What, privileges we enjoy, we moderns! Five hundred years ago, four +hundred, the world would have been in ignorance of any event of this +kind. Statesmen would have lost their way in foreign towns and no one +at home would have known. Think of the privation! But now, not only, +thanks to GUTENBERG, do we know it and think accordingly, but, thanks +to MORSE, we know it the next day and our thrills are not delayed. + +So much for the morning. + +It is a few minutes later--evening. Not really evening, because it is +before lunch, but evening enough for the Tenth Muse, bless her! I open +_The Evening News_ and what do I find? GUTENBERG alone; but how full +of matter! Thus:-- + + "SEVEN. + + The mystic number seven is curiously associated with the + baby daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Knight, of Old Swinford, + Worcestershire. + + She was born at the Seven Stars Hotel at the seventh hour of + the seventh day of the seventh month. + + There were seven customers in the bar when her birth was + announced, seven persons were present at the christening, and + there are seven letters in her Christian name. + + Her father is the eldest of seven children and her mother the + youngest of seven. She has seven uncles." + +There's for you! But of course this is not enough. The chronicler, +try as he might, is but a scamper after all. Not only were there seven +customers in the bar, but each had had seven drinks. Whiskey (there +are seven letters in whiskey, spelt my way) punch. Each had a slice of +lemon and there were seven pips in the lemon. Of the seven uncles +each had a watch, making seven watches, and a cigar case, making seven +cigar-cases. So it might go on for ever. + +Similarly the nine deported Labour leaders arrived in the Thames nine +minutes after somebody else and nine minutes before somebody else. +The term "dock-berth" has nine letters in it, and Nine Elms is on the +Thames too. Whew! + + * * * * * + + "We find ourselves generally in agreement with the writer Dr. + Figgis, so our enjoyment of his books is the keener and less + critical. When we do criticise it is as though we found faults + in a friend whom we know very well and regard very highly. + This position Dr. Figgis has won for himself by the + thoroughness as well as the cleverness of his literary + work."--_Athenaeum._ + +Dr. FIGGIS must be a proud man to-day. + + * * * * * + +INTERVIEWING FATHER. + +SIR GEORGE is not a nice man. He is a mercenary, narrow-minded person. +I never really liked him, but then he never really liked me. However, +he is Miranda's father, so I decided to interview him. The interview +took place at his office. He waved me to a chair, and, as it seemed +all that I was likely to get, I took it. + +"Well?" Sir George grunted. + +His tone indicated an unfriendly spirit, so I retorted, "Well." + +There was a slight pause. Then he said, rather aggressively. "I never +lend money." + +"I suspected it," I replied; "I practically never borrow money, but +that is my misfortune and not my fault." + +"Then what can I do for you?" + +"You have a daughter----" + +"I have," he interrupted. + +"I knew we should find a common basis of agreement. Miranda is +unmarried; I am unmarried." + +"You suggest marrying my daughter?" + +"I make no suggestion, but the idea had crossed my mind." + +"Can you keep a wife?" + +"I never lost one yet. I think that with a little tact----" + +"I mean, have you any money?" + +"Eighteen shillings and fourpence," I answered, producing that sum as +evidence of my _bona fides_. + +"That is not a very large capital on which to start married life." + +"True, but I'm not mercenary. Yet perhaps, as we seem to have +drifted on to the question of money, I might mention that I have +property--house property." + +"I don't believe much in house property in these days." + +"I don't either. Though I lay no particular stress on the matter, I +also have some mortgages." + +"I don't care much about mortgages." + +"I agree with you. Beastly things, I call them." + +"What income do you derive from the property and the mortgages?" + +"I don't exactly derive any income from either. You see, the two +things go together--I mean the property and the mortgages. I don't +fancy the mortgagees get much income from the property, though I +suppose they try their best. Perhaps, strictly speaking, I can hardly +call the property mine since the mortgagees took possession. The +mortgages however are undoubtedly mine. I created them, you know." + +Sir George rose pompously, so I went on at once: + +"I have some shares. I should like your opinion on them." + +"What kind of shares?" + +"The usual kind--paper, but quite nice artistic designs on them." + +"In what companies?" + +"I forget the names of the companies, but I think that they had +something to do with rubber." + +"Then you can take my advice and sell them." + +"Thanks awfully," I said, "if that means that you'll buy them. I +always thought that I should eventually find someone to help me out." + +"I will not buy your shares. But before I finally close this interview +I should like to know, as a matter of curiosity, on what you live?" + +"Meat and things, like other people. I'm no vegetarian." + +"I mean, how do you obtain food and clothes? I see that you do wear +clothes. At present I'm a little puzzled." + +"It's a matter which has often puzzled me. I get them somehow. +Sometimes I work and sometimes, but not very often, I get paid for my +work. I believe that if I were married I could earn more." + +"What makes you think that?" + +"Well, you see, I couldn't very well earn less." + +"Then am I to understand that you have practically no income?" + +"If it comes to that, has Miranda any income?" + +"My daughter will have what I choose to allow her." + +"And I shall have what I choose to earn, so it seems that we should be +fairly well matched." + +"Sir, I consider your request to marry my daughter an impertinence, +and the flippancy with which you have conducted this interview an +insult." + +"Sir George," I said impressively, "be just before you are generous. +If you think over the matter calmly you will recognise that I have +made no such request. You are an older man than I, so I pass over +anything that you may have said in the heat of the moment. I am +willing to part friends." + +For a moment I thought he would burst. He ignored my outstretched hand +and almost shouted, "I don't care how we part, so long as we do part. +You will oblige me by not seeing or communicating with my daughter +again." + +As I was passing through the door I remarked, "Without making any rash +promises, I will endeavour to oblige you. I gather, as much from your +demeanour as anything else, that you do not favour me as a suitor for +your daughter's hand. As a matter of fact, I look with equal disfavour +on you as a possible father-in-law. My real object in seeking this +interview was to remove any misapprehension you might have on the +subject." + +When I was well outside the door, laughter really took hold of me for +the first time since Miranda refused to marry me. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Underground Train Conductor (sulkily to passenger +jumping in after train has started)._ "NAH THEN! IF YOU'D HA' FALLEN +DAHN AND BROKE YER NECK _I_ SHOULD 'AVE BEEN THE ONE TO SUFFER."] + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Hartley is the proud possessor of the English + championship belt for running broad jump, having cleared + something over 45 feet." + + _The Morning Albertan._ + +His pride is very excusable. + + * * * * * + + "In our day when many women consider the art of managing a + home beneath the dignity of their supposed sex, not everyone + knows how to make a pancake." + + _Liverpool Daily Post and Mercury._ + +"Supposed" is good. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MARCH WINDS. + +_Short-sighted Official (to gentleman pursuing hat)._ "CALL YOUR DOG +OFF, SIR, CALL YOUR DOG OFF," ETC., ETC., ETC.] + + * * * * * + +MOVING. + +(_A Suburban Elegy._) + + WHEN I remember I shall tread no more + In such a short time now the well-known street, + And never to these ears shall sound the roar + Of Perkins' cart-wheels, dangerously fleet, + Bringing the boon of Ceres to the door, + Nor those of Batson (Batson is the meat);-- + + When I recall that in the hours to come + My eyes may never see the shape of Pott + Planting his fish down, then methinks it's rum + That mortal men should move and be forgot + By those that serve their household daily, some + Sending the right delivery, some not. + + Full often on my homeward way I pause + Where Jones is standing at his shop-front trim; + We pass remarks about the nation's laws + And how it still keeps up, though skies are grim; + And Jones is most polite to me, because + We've always got our groceries from him. + + But the old orders soon shall cease to be, + And I must pass into an unknown land, + And at the corner by The Holly Tree + Where now he lifts a ceremonious hand + Yon constable shall scarce remember me, + Not that he ever----Quite. You understand. + + And alien lips from mine must move to swear + Over the mangled remnants of a shirt + Brutally done to death with fiendish care + By yon steam laundry. Last I come to Bert; + Bert's is the best known face in all the Square, + Being the milk, and something more--a flirt. + + Yes, for not only bleeds this heart of mine; + There shall be tenderer spasms when we shift, + Such bits of cheek, such observations fine, + Such honied whispers have been heard to drift + From Susan at the casement of her shrine + To Romeo managing the tradesmen's lift. + + Hers shall be all the loss; he'll soon forget. + Others shall ope accounts when we are gone; + Movings are all too frequent for regret; + Yet one methinks there is shall dream upon + Our name with soft remembrance, guard it yet + Like some pressed violet. I refer to John. + + I know our postal service, know full well, + Though we have told them to what bourn we flit, + How many a missive shall obey the spell + Of the old false address inscribed on it. + And John shall bring them. And John's heart shall swell + For Harriet while he stuffs them through the slit. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +OUR LITERARY ADVICE DEPARTMENT. + +CANDID advice given to the literary aspirant on easy terms by an old +journalist. His fame is world-wide, but he prefers to be known as THE +OLD NIB. Anyone sending him threatening letters will be prosecuted. + +Frankly, LANCELOT, your _Passionate Pangs; or, Heart Throbs of a +Retired Government Clerk_, will never bring you in a large income. You +say friends have praised them highly, and you point out that TENNYSON +had to wait years for recognition. Well, you must do the same. You +could not have a better precedent. + +You have a strong grasp of a situation, BENJAMIN, and the scene where +_Uncle Henry_ slips on the butter slide is quite thrilling. But you +must compress a little and avoid certain faults of style. "She hove +a sigh" is wrong; and I do not like "'Pshaw,' he _shouted_"; I do not +think it could be done. I tried myself in my bath and swallowed a lot +of soapy water. Pray be more careful. + +I certainly like to hear from such an enthusiastic reader as WIGWAM. +His idea, of going to a fancy-dress ball dressed in a number of old +copies of _Wopple's Weekly_ is excellent and, if they let him in, +ought to be a great success. I hope he wins the hair comb. As to +his verses I have often seen worse. With a rhyming dictionary (for +rhyming) and an ordinary one (for spelling) WIGWAM should go far. + +ANGELINA'S poem shows a nice domestic feeling which I appreciate. In +these days of Suffragettes it is not every authoress who will say-- + + "I like to see a familiar face + And I think home is a beautiful place." + +But though "mother," as she says, is a very beautiful word it does not +rhyme with "forever." "Other," "brother" and "smother" are the rhymes +that I always recommend. + +LEONIDAS has made a great improvement since I had to speak to him so +severely last spring. _Sly Sarah_ is quite a clever tale, and before +very long LEONIDAS will find himself writing for _Soapy Bits_ and +papers of that calibre. Of this I am sure. His characterization is +strong, his style is redolent of _bravura_ and his general atmosphere +is _fortissimo_. The character of the archdeacon might be improved; +indeed, if LEONIDAS is going to send it to _The Diocesan Monthly_, I +should say it must be improved. Why should he slap _Sarah's_ face? No +reason is given for this, and it is surely a very questionable action. +Human nature may be human nature, but archdeacons are archdeacons. By +the way there is only one _l_ in spoonful. + +HENRY must be careful. This is the third time he has sent me his epic. +There are limits. + +There is not much demand for tales of this description, HOPEFUL. But +as you say you like writing them I do not see who is to prevent you. +If you can get the permission of the local authorities by all means +give a reading at the Home for the Half-Witted. + +I have no doubt CLAPHAM ROVER means well, but he has a lot to learn. +There are no events of any kind in the three tales he sends me. The +only thing that ever happens is that the hero is kicked downstairs. +Even then he lies prostrate in the hall for two days. Surely the maids +might have swept him up. CLAPHAM ROVER must remember the great words +of DEMOSTHENES when he swallowed a pebble on the sea beach: "Action, +action, and again action." He was thinking of lawyers, of course, but +his words have a lesson for us all. + +INGENUOUS is the exact opposite of CLAPHAM ROVER. I rise from his tale +an absolute wreck. "Splash, she was in the river;" "plonk, he was on +the floor;" "whiz, a bullet shot past him." INGENUOUS must really go +more quietly and make a little less noise. Why not write a few essays +on some of our lesser known female didactic writers, or some such +subjects as "People one is surprised to hear that Dr. JOHNSON never +met?" It would do him a lot of good. But above all he must study that +master of Quietism, the incomparable author of _The Woman's Touch_, +_The Silent Preacher_, _Through a College Key-hole_. + +PARSIFAL has pained me very much. He sent me a long poem, and after +I had given him a very detailed criticism I discovered that he had +simply copied out a poem of WORDSWORTH'S familiar to us all from our +earliest childhood. I have lost his address, so I cannot tell him +privately what I think of him, but it was a dirty trick. + +CIUDAD RODRIGO (I don't know why he calls himself that; he writes +from Balham) sends me an essay on GEORGE BORROW. It follows with +great fidelity the line of established fact, never deviating into the +unknown. After reading it I felt that I did not want to hear any more +about GEORGE BORROW for a long time. + +ARRIERE PENSEE, TOOTLES, PONGO and HUGGING: see answer to CIUDAD +RODRIGO. + +I did an injustice to PARNASSIAN in my answer to him last week. Owing +to a misprint I was made to say that "his poems were written" (which +they were not, but typed, and very excellently typed too). What I +meant to say was that his poems were rotten. Sorry. + + * * * * * + +THE MILITANT'S SONG. + + EACH morning, vigorous and bright, + I sing my little song:-- + "If I don't do the thing that's right + I'll do the thing that's wrong." + + And if I chance to miss my aim + By slight miscalculation + I go on singing just the same + With equal exaltation. + + So when I light my little sticks + To burn up "No. 8" + And find I've kindled "No. 6" + My joy is just as great. + + And when my little stones I dash + At windows in a hurry + And hear the corner lamp-post smash + I see no cause to worry. + + And when I take my little whip + To punish "Mr. A." + And find I've made another slip + I giggle out, "Hurray!" + + And under lock and key I trill, + Although my cell's a strong one:-- + "I didn't hit the right man, still + At least I hit the wrong one." + + * * * * * + +Bethnal Green and Leith. + +We are asked to say that some of the best friends of the Government +take a grave view of the acclamations with which the Liberal Press has +been greeting the recent "moral victories" of the Party at the polls. +A few more of these moral victories and the language oL triumph will, +they fear, be exhausted before an actual victory occurs. + + * * * * * + + "Lord Plymouth's donation of L30,000 completes the purchase of + the Crystal Palace. The shortage was due to Mr. Camberwell's + refusal to contribute, and also to a reduction in Mr. Pinge's + contribution by L15,000." + + _Otago Daily Times._ + +On the other hand we are glad to be in a position to say that Lord +Penge, the Hon. Mrs. Sydenham Hill and the Dowager Lady Dulwich have +behaved most generously. + + * * * * * + + "Respecting Ichthemic Guano, you can make use of my name, as + it is one of the best fertilisers on the market." + + _From a Trade Circular._ + +We should like to know what our old friend Ichthemic Guano has to say +about this. He will not like to hear that anybody else's name competes +with his in the fertilising market. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HOLY ESTATE: AN EX-PARTE VIEW. + +_Her Ladyship._ "SO YOU ARE LEAVING TO GET MARRIED, THOMPSON? I MUST +COME AND SEE YOUR WIFE WHEN YOU ARE COMFORTABLY SETTLED." + +_The Lover._ "THANK YOU, ME LADY. SHE SEEMS A NICE QUIET SORT OF GIRL, +AND I 'AVE HEVERY 'OPE SHE'LL MAKE ME COMFORTABLE."] + + * * * * * + +BELLES LETTRES AND OTHERS. + +Most of us have been startled to observe how very far real life falls +short of the standard of books. The realisation has come home to me +with great force after reading _Whispers of Passion_, a collection of +love-letters by "Amorosa," which I could not refrain from comparing +with certain authentic love-letters (as I suppose I must call them) +which happen to be in my possession. + +What a contrast! What a melancholy contrast! + +Here, for example, is the tender opening of one of "Amorosa's" +efforts: + + "BELOVED,--This morning I saw the sun rise from behind the + grey hills that rampart our secluded vale. Slowly, almost + imperceptibly, as I watched, the sombre robes of the Night + were irradiated and enrosed by the mysterious fires of the + Dawn. And herein, my dear one, I seemed to grasp a deathless + symbol of the awakening of Love between us, the first + slow gilding of our grey lives by the roseate glamour of + romance...." + +And so on. Now read this, taken from one in my own collection treating +of the same subject:-- + + "DEAR WOGGLES,--How _dare_ you hint that I'm lazy? As a matter + of fact I saw the sunrise only this morning, which reminds me + of a story. I daresay you know it already. A small boy decided + to keep a diary, and the first entry he made was: '_1st + January--Got up at 8.15._' His mater objected to this on the + ground that _got up_ was too slangy. 'Look at the sun,' + she said. 'The sun doesn't _get up_; it _rises_.' The same + evening, after the boy had gone to bed, she looked at the + diary again. There was only one other entry: '_Set at 9._' + + Not much of a yarn, is it, Woggles? But still it's good enough + for you...." + +Or consider this beautiful conclusion: + + "... Dear, I am all thine. My soul calls to thee across + the night; the beating of my heart cries through the + darkness--Thine, thine, thine! + + Good night, adored one, good night. + + AMOROSA." + +And contrast it with the following:-- + + "... And now I must dry up or I shan't be in bed by midnight, + and the old man will lose his hair and say I'm ruining my + precious constitution. Ta ta. Be a good infant. + + Yours, + MADGE." + +"Amorosa's" lover appears to have sent her a bracelet, and must have +felt richly repaid when he received this:-- + + "... As I clasped the slender circlet around my wrist I seemed + to hear a voice which said, 'This is pure gold; let your + love be pure. It is an emblem of infinity; let your trust be + infinite. It is a pledge of fidelity; let your faithfulness be + immutable...." + +But this is how Madge expresses herself on a similar occasion:-- + + "... Thanks very much for the bracelet. It seems pretty + decent...." + +Let me give two other extracts which happen to treat of similar +themes. Here is the first:-- + + "... I heard music surging in great waves of divine beauty + from Belnobbio's 'cello, and, magically, wonderfully, it lured + and compelled my thoughts, beloved one, to you. In all those + immortal harmonies I heard your voice; the Master's rapt + features faded into mist, and I saw instead your own grave, + strong face. Tell me, what is this power which can so converge + all beauties to one centre?..." + +And here is the second:-- + + "... I went to hear Kranzer yesterday, and oh, Woggles, I tell + you, he is the edge, the very ultimate edge! I _rave_ over + him day and night. I'm madly, head-over-heels, + don't-know-how-to-express-it in love with him. I'm going to + throw you over and follow him about all round the world, and + whenever I get the chance just lie down and let him wipe his + boots on me. So--resign yourself to it; you'll probably never + see again, + + Your fatally smitten + MADGE." + +Occasionally, it is true, there occurs in these deplorable letters +just a touch of sentiment, but how crudely, how prosaically expressed. +Immediately after the passage quoted above, for instance, I find +this:-- + + "P.S.--Dear old boy, you don't mind when I rag you, do you? + Here's just a teeny-weeny x for you. + M." + +How does "Amorosa" phrase such a sentiment? + + "... My lips cannot touch your lips, but my soul seeks yours, + and in that spiritual embrace there is something of eternity." + + * * * + +And yet, after all---- + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TATTOOER'S ART. + +_Exasperated Backer._ "'IT 'IM CHARLEY; DON'T LOOK AT THEM PICTURES."] + + * * * * * + +GNOMES FOR GOLFERS. + + In April when the cuckoos call + Glue both your optics on the ball. + + In May avoid the water-ouzel + Whose warning note predicts a foozle. + + In Summer when the lies are good + Propel it smartly with the wood. + + In August should the peacock shriek + Renounce the baffy for the cleek; + + But if your stroke becomes too "sclaffy" + Give up the cleek and use the baffy. + + In Autumn when the lies are clammy + Replace the brassie by the "Sammy." + + But when the course is dry and grassy + Replace the "Sammy" by the brassie. + + In Winter when the lies are slimy + Be up or in, or lay a stymie. + + When caddies chatter on the green + Rebuke them, but remain serene. + + But when they hiccough on the tee + Pay them their regulation fee. + + Whene'er you chance to top your drive + Before you speak count twenty-five. + + But if you slice into the rough + Thirty will hardly be enough. + + When beaten by a single putt + You may ejaculate, "Tut, tut." + + But if you're downed at dormy nine + Language affords no anodyne. + + Where frequent pots the green environ + Take turf approaching with the iron. + + No game is lost until it's won; + The duffer may hole out in one. + + If down the course the pill you'd punch + Be careful what you eat at lunch. + + A simple cut from off the joint + May cure your shots to cover-point. + + But lobsters, trifle and champagne + May even prove the plus-man's bane. + + * * * * * + +The Nine St. Denys's. + + "Thereupon the Labour party sang 'The Red Flag,' the deportees + joining in the chorus, bearing their heads during the + singing." + + _South Wales Echo._ + +[Illustration: A DEVOTEE OF "THE DOCTRINE."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + +_House of Lords, Monday, February 23rd._--Temporarily relieved from +thoughts of Ulster or meditations upon Marconi, House gave itself up +to bright debate on question not less attractive because of spice +of personality. Spice acquired additional piquancy since it was not +supposed to be there. Its absence was indeed formally insisted upon. +"Oh no, we never mention him. His name is never heard." All the same, +as debate went forward, names _did_ occur. Glances, furtively shot +from side to side of House, casually rested upon particular seats, +whether empty or occupied. + +SELBORNE introduced subject by moving Resolution condemning principle +that a contribution to Party funds should be a consideration to a +Minister recommending to the Sovereign bestowal of a titular honour. +Subject delicate one to handle. As SELBORNE admitted, WILLOUGHBY DE +BROKE and RIBBLESDALE in succession concurring, it was not a Party +question. Notorious that since the days of Lord NORTH both political +parties are tarred with same brush. Through difficult circumstances +SELBORNE adroitly picked his way in lively speech. Sorely handicapped +by Resolution, the effect of which, even with assistance of other +House, would, as RIBBLESDALE pointed out, be absolutely nil. "In the +end," he said, "both Houses would be only expressing a pious, almost a +Pharisaical opinion." + +This conceded, the Lords, having no work to do, might have done much +worse than devote sitting to breezy debate. + +WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE at his best in his enunciation of principles upon +which, were he dispenser of honours in the Radical camp, he would +choose his peers. Whilst taking broad view of case on eugenic +principles, he would be inclined to make selection in favour of +childless candidates. + +"The sons of newly-created Radical peers are," he shrewdly remarked, +"almost certain to be Tories, while a Radical grandson of a Radical +peer is a phenomenon never seen." + +Incidentally the bold Baron took occasion to remark that his own title +was conferred upon an ancestor in reward for active part taken in +placing the Tudor dynasty on the throne. Some noble lords, whose +patent to peerage is of rather more recent date, whilst agreeing +generally with his views, thought this remark superfluous. Why drag in +the Tudors? + +WILLOUGHBY'S graphic account of an interview with the agent of a +moneyed applicant for honours was capped by RIBBLESDALE, who confided +to listening Senate particulars of occasions when, as a Whip he had +from time to time been "approached." + +MILNER, shocked by what he regarded as frivolity, proposed to treat +the subject "with a slight approach to seriousness." Proposal cast a +blight over proceedings which were hurried to conclusion. + +_Business done._--SELBORNE'S Resolution agreed to with verbal +amendment. + +[Illustration: _Lord CREWE (to Lord SELBORNE on his way to the Debate +on the Sale of Honours)._ "I trust we shall have no stone-throwing." + +_Lord SELBORNE._ "I'm entirely with you. Too much stained-glass about, +what?"] + +_House of Commons, Tuesday._--Resemblance of House of Commons to the +sea never more strikingly illustrated than at to-night's sitting. For +five hours and a half deadliest calm reigned. Benches less than +half full. Questions droned through appointed period. House got into +Committee of Supply on Civil Service estimates. Votes for Colonial +Service offered occasion for debate on Camel Corps disaster in +Somaliland last August. LULU defended in detail the policy and action +of his department. At half-past eight, talk still dragging slow length +along, he moved closure. Division on proposal to reduce the estimate, +equivalent to vote of censure, ran Government majority up to 125. + +Suddenly scene changed. It was the mid-dinner hour, period at which +House is as a rule dismally empty. The four-hundred-and-seventy +Members who had taken part in the division, instead of fleeing in +accordance with custom as if fire had broken out, made for their +seats, whence rose the buzz of excited talk that presages a tempest. + +The miracle was worked by Ulster. FALLE, having by favour of fortune +at ballot-box secured portion of sitting as Private Member's property, +moved Resolution calling upon PRIME MINISTER, forthwith to submit +to House his proposals for alteration of Government of Ireland Bill. +Opposition mustered in support. Ministerialists whipped up to last +man. When, following mover and seconder of Resolution, PREMIER +appeared at the table he was welcomed by shout of exultant cheering. +Significant contrast with his reception when, a fortnight earlier, +he stood in same place and seemed inclined to dally with proposal for +exclusion of Ulster. Instinctively, or through whispered information, +Ministerialists knew he was now, as they put it, "going straight." + +Their most sanguine expectation justified. PREMIER in fine fighting +form. + +"Gentlemen opposite," he scornfully said, "seem to think we here can +be likened to a beleaguered garrison, driven by the stress of warfare +into an untenable position with failing supplies, with exhausted +ammunition, with shaken nerves, and that it is for them, the minority +of this House, to dictate the terms of capitulation that are to +determine whether we are to be allowed to surrender with or without +the honours of war." + +That sufficed to indicate his position. Whilst disclosure increased +enthusiasm on Ministerial side it correspondingly inflamed passion on +benches opposite. + +There was an anxious moment when fisticuffs seemed imminent across the +table in close proximity to shocked Mace. CARSON making interruption +(one of a continuous series), PREMIER thought it was WALTER LONG, and +severely enjoined him to restrain himself. LONG hotly retorted that he +had not spoken. Angry cheers and counter-cheers resounded in opposing +camps. PREMIER, accepting assurance of his mistake, apologised. +Fisticuffs postponed. + +Warned by experience, PREMIER took no notice when MOORE OF ARMAGH +shouted, "Why do you funk a General Election?" or when later he +received from same source disclaimer of belief in his sincerity; +or when another Ulster Member characterised forceful passage in his +speech as "Tomfoolery." + +Fresh roar of cheering broke over excited host of Ministerialists +when by way of last word PREMIER declared, "We are not going at the +eleventh hour to betray a great cause." + +_Business done._--Proverbially swift descent from sublime to +ridiculous. Demand of Opposition for instant disclosure of Ministerial +plan altering Home Rule Bill met by Amendment from Liberal side +declaring confidence in Government. This carried by majority of 73. +When put as substantial Resolution eleven o'clock had struck. No +opposed business may be taken after that hour. House accordingly +forthwith adjourned. Record of night's business in Journals of House +prepared for perusal of posterity is comprehended in word "That----" + +_Thursday._--House puzzled by question on Paper standing in name of +H. P. CROFT. Member for Christchurch desires "to ask the Secretary of +State for the Colonies whether he has received petitions in favour of +immediate legislation dealing with imported plumage through all or any +of the Prime Ministers of the States of Australia." + +How, why and under what circumstances plumage should be "imported +through" Prime Ministers of the Australian Commonwealth no one can +guess. Generally agreed that, if such painful procedure actually +be the Colonial custom, prohibitive legislation cannot be too soon +undertaken. + +SYDNEY HOLLAND, for many years the prop and stay of the London +Hospital, has taken his seat in the House of Lords on accession to the +Viscountcy of Knutsford. Apart from hereditary claim, he is the ideal +type of the class of peer whom reformers on both sides look to for +restoration of the prestige and usefulness of the Upper Chamber. +Nevertheless it is hoped he will not give up to Westminster what was +meant for mankind--the splendid devotion of capacity and energy to the +service of the sick poor of London. + +_Business done._--In Committee on Supplementary Estimates. + + * * * * * + +The New Matrimonial Insurance. + + "HUSBAND INSURED AWAY." + + "_Daily Mail" Heading._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Gentlemen opposite seem to think we here can be +likened to a beleaguered garrison, driven by the stress of warfare +into an untenable position."--_Mr. ASQUITH in the debate on Mr. +FALLE'S resolution._] + + * * * * * + +The Land Campaign once more. + + "Large Foot Path, very strong, reduced to 6s. 11d., less than + half-price." + + _Advt. in "The Accrington Observer._" + + * * * * * + + "Are we not having just a little too much London? A glance + over our rapidly growing fixture list suggests that the + predominance of the great Metrolopis in matters of golfing is + becoming rather too pronounced."--_Golfing._ + +It's not fair to the privonces. + + * * * * * + + "Members of the Chicago Bachelor Girls' Club, who number sixty + at present, say they must receive affirmative answers to this + list of questions before they will marry: + + ... Have you bad habits, such as drinking or smoking to + excess?..."--_Daily Mirror._ + +"The answer is in the affirmative." + +"Then I am yours." + + * * * * * + +A SIGN OF DECAY. + +(_A bull recently got into a china shop, but was coaxed out before any +damage was done._) + + WE cut but a decadent figure; + Our virtues grow sickly and pale; + Our forefathers' valour and vigour + Live only in poem and tale; + Our thews are beginning to soften; + No more are we sturdy and hard; + These facts have been often and often + Explained to the bard. + + But still to despondent repining + He never consented to yield; + For comfort amid our declining + He looked to the beasts of the field; + Though others grew haggard with grief, he + Maintained a refusal to quake + So long as our bulls remained beefy + And a steak _was_ a steak. + + But now there _is_ cause to repine, a + Dread portent of what to expect: + A bull has got loose in the china + And nothing, no, nothing's been wrecked. + Where fragments were wont to be scattered + Like forest leaves under a gale + Not even a saucer was shattered + By a flick of the tail. + + Oh, say, can this care for the teacup + Proclaim that the common decay + Is busting the bovine physique up + And hasting the horrible day + When the bard, too, must take up the story + That the halo of England grows dim, + Since the beef, whence she gathered her glory, + Is void of its vim? + + * * * * * + +Honours Easy. + + "L25 Reward. Lost, either at Folkestone Harbour or from a + Pullman Car, a Gentleman's Fur Coat, lined with minx." + + _Morning Post._ + + * * * * * + + "Miss Trenerry, wearing a coat of rose charmeuse, with + white fur collar, and several gentlemen."--_Express and Echo + (Exeter)._ + + * * * * * + + "Young Man requires board and lodging in Carshalton; hot and + cold bath preferred." + + _The Herald (Sutton)._ + +He can't have it both ways at once. + + * * * * * + + "At the Gare de Lyon this afternoon Rolland was welcomed by + General de Castelnau, who embraced him and took his arm to the + buffet of the station, where a reception was held."--_Daily + Telegraph._ + +General DE CASTELNAU. "_Donnez-le un nom._" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy (his first visit to Madame Tussaud's)._ "MUMMY, +CAN'T THAT MAN TALK EITHER?"] + + * * * * * + +THE TELEPHONE AGAIN. + +TING-A-LING. + +_Patient Subscriber._ Hullo. + +_Gruff Voice._ Are you Bond and Lapel? + +_Patient Subscriber._ I'm afraid you've got the wrong number. We're +Gerrard 932041. The Society for the Prevention of Wet Feet amongst the +Genteel Poor. + + * * * * * + +Ting-a-ling. + +_Same Patient Subscriber._ Hullo. + +_Same Gruff Voice._ Bond and Lapel? + +_S. P. S._ No, they've given you the wrong number again. We're +Gerrard 932041. Ring off, please. + + * * * * * + +Ting-a-ling. + +_S. P. S._ Hullo. + +_S. G. V._ Bond and Lapel? I'm Major---- + +_S. P. S._ My dear Sir, will you believe me that we're _not_ Bond and +Lapel? We're Gerrard 9-3-2-0-4-1. Don't let me have to speak to you +again, there's a good fellow. + + * * * * * + +Ting-a-ling. + +_Exchange._ You're thr-r-r-rough. + + _S. G. V._} Hullo. + _S. P. S._} + +_S. G. V._ Bond and Lapel, dammit! I want----Don't you "tut" me, Sir. +I TELL YOU YOU ARE. + +_S. P. S._ Oh, all right. Well, what can I do for you? + +_S. G. V._ EH? + +_S. P. S._ I said, What can I do for you? + +_S. G. V._ I'm Major Smith. I want you to make me---- + +_S. P. S._ Marjorie who? Speak up, please. + +_S. G. V._ MAJOR, M-A-J-O-R, MAJOR. MAJOR SMITH. CAN YOU HEAR THAT? I +WANT YOU TO MAKE ME A BLUE SERGE SUIT BY TO-MORROW WEEK. + +_S. P. S._ A little louder.... That's better. If you'll wait a moment +I'll just jot down your measurements. + +_S. G. V._ Measurements! What the----! I'm Major Smith. + +_S. P. S._ Hold the line a moment and I'll see if we have them. Are +you holding on?... Hullo. Major Smith, you said? Sorry, but the fact +is we've got two Major Smiths on our books. Would you kindly tell me +which one you are? + +_S. G. V._ I'm Major--Smith--of--3--Mecklington--Gardens--Kensington. + +_S. P. S._ Oh, yes. Close to the Oval. + +_S. G. V._ KENS-S-SINGTON! + +_S. P. S._ Oh, Kensington with an "s." Yes. I know. Well now, how +would you like it made? Will you have the trousers to match? We're +doing a very smart line in buff canary trouserings, just---- + +_S. G. V._ I said A BLUE SERGE SUIT, Sir! + +_S. P. S._ Sorry. I was thinking of the other Major Smith. Then we'll +say trousers to match. Yes, I've got that. Do you wear them turned up +or down? Down. Trousers turned down and sleeves turned up. No, both +down. Yes. Now what about box pleats? Shall we say box pleats? + +_S. G. V._ Don't you put any of your new-fangled dodges on _my_ +clothes, young man, because I won't have it. + +_S. P. S._ _No_ box pleats. I'll make a special note of it. Then +to-morrow fortnight without fail. + +_S. G. V._ To-morrow WEEK. And if you don't send that dress suit of +mine by six to-night---- + +_S. P. S._ Dress suit? Dress suit? What dress suit? This is the first +I've heard of any dress suit. + +_S. G. V._ WHAT? + +_S. P. S._ It can't be done, old chap. You'll have to borrow one for +to-night. + +_S. G. V._ Y-y-you insolent p-puppy. P-put me through to the manager. +AT once. + +_S. P. S._ Thanks so much. Then I'll put you down for a subscription. +The Society for the Prevention of Wet Feet amongst the Genteel Poor, +you know. + +_S. G. V._ ----! ----! ----! (Biff ... bang ... ting-a-ling ... +buz-z-z-z-z-z.) + +_S. P. S._ Exchange. + +_Exchange._ Number, please. + +_S. P. S._ Put me through to the Repairs Department.... Oh, Repairs +Department. I'm ringing up on behalf of Major Smith, of 3, Mecklington +Gardens, Kensington. Send someone round at once, please. His telephone +has burst. + + * * * * * + + "ST. PAUL'S. + + L70,000 WANTED FOR THE FABRIC." + + _Standard._ + +Another chance for Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY. + + * * * * * + +THE WEDDING PRESENT. + +"At last," I said, putting down my newspaper, "there is hope for +England. Here is a man who announces his approaching marriage and +hopes that wedding presents will not be sent." + +"Pooh," said the lady of the house. + +"Why," said I, "do you say 'pooh'?" + +"Because," she said, "it's not a bit of good hoping for anything of, +the sort. You might just as well abolish weddings at once. People +won't go to one unless they have a chance of seeing their own present +and admiring it so much that the detective begins to suspect them." + +"Yes," I said, "isn't the detective splendid? Nobody ever fails +to spot him, and yet there he is every time, firmly convinced +that everybody takes him for the bridegroom's uncle or the bride's +godfather by a former marriage, or something of that sort. I really do +feel I couldn't do without the detective." + +"There you are," she said. "You can't have the detective without the +presents." + +"Very well," I said, "we'll let presents go on a bit longer and chance +it." + +"And don't you forget," she said firmly, "that you've got to choose a +present for George Henderson to-day." + +"George Henderson?" I said dreamily. "Do you think George Henderson +_wants_ a present? Isn't he the sort which 'hopes that wedding +presents will not be sent'? I've always felt he had a look in his eye +which said, 'Dear old chap, I shall be married some day.--Whatever you +do, don't send me a present.' Haven't you felt that about him, too?" + +"No," she said, "I haven't. In fact George has always seemed to me +the very man for a present. And now he's going to be married. It's the +chance of a lifetime." + +"Well, then," I said, "if you feel like that _you_ ought to buy the +present. You'll do it better. You'll put more real feeling into it." + +"That may be," she said, "but you 're going to London, and I'm not. +You'll have to do it this time." + +"Oh, very well," I said; "have it your own way; but I warn you I shall +buy silver candlesticks." + +The two elder girls, who had been listening with eager interest, now +broke in. + +"Dad," said Helen to Rosie, "is going to try for his old +candlesticks." + +"Yes," said Rosie; "but you'll see he won't be allowed." + +"Cease, babblers," I said. "In earlier and less conjugal days no +wedding was considered complete without my silver candlesticks. It was +all so simple, too. I called at Gillingham's, wrote out a card, gave +an address, and away went the present. And what's more, they all wrote +back and said it was the one thing they had been longing for." + +"Oh," said the lady of the house, "they'll write like that about +anything. At any rate, we won't have candlesticks. They're quite +useless now, you know. Nobody has candles." + +"And that," I said, "is what makes candlesticks so valuable. There's +nothing base and utilitarian about them. They are appreciated for +their beauty, and there's an end of them. Do, do let me buy a pair for +George Henderson." + +"No," she said; "the whole of the rest of the silversmith's art is +open to you, but we will _not_ have candlesticks." + +"I told you so," said Rosie to Helen. + +In the afternoon, accordingly, I wandered into the establishment of +Messrs. Gillingham, jewellers, goldsmiths and silversmiths, and +heaven knows what besides. For a few moments I steeped myself in the +glittering magnificence of the objects displayed around me. Then +a polite and very well-dressed young man--not my usual one, but a +stranger--spoke to me. + +"Are you being attended to, Sir?" he said. + +"No," I said, "not yet. I'm not quite ready for it. Still, I may as +well begin." + +"Yes, Sir." + +"What," I said, pointing to a diamond tiara, "is the price of that?" + +Two ladies who were making a purchase turned round and gazed at me +with an awe-struck but approving look. The young man was evidently +much impressed. + +"That," he said, "is one of our newest designs. The stones are all +specially selected. The price"--he studied the little tag attached to +it--"the price is L1,050; very cheap for the value." + +"It is," I said, "wonderfully cheap. I can't think how you manage to +do it. I will think about it. In the meantime I should like to see +something smaller and not quite so valuable." + +"Is it a wedding present, Sir?" + +"Don't," I said, "let us call it a wedding present just yet." If we +do it's sure to turn out a sugar-sifter. Let's think of it as a mere +gift." + +"Yes, Sir." + +"Of course we may find that the man to whom we're going to give it is +about to be married, but that will be only the long arm, won't it?" + +"The--I beg your pardon, Sir;" + +"A coincidence, you know; and we're not the men to be put off by +coincidences, are we?" + +"No, Sir. Would you like to see the manager, Sir?" + +"No," I said, "the manager would only confuse me. Show me some silver +inkstands and some sugar-jugs--I mean some claret-sifters--that is, +some silver decanters, you know, and some silver fruit-baskets." + +"Yes, Sir." He went away and returned with an inkstand. + +"This," he said, "is a very favourite pattern. It combines a large +inkpot and a match-stand and a rack for the pens----" + +"I know," I said; "they never stay in it." + +"No, Sir. And there's a little candlestick for sealing-wax----" + +"I'll have it," I said feverishly. "Put it aside for me at once. This +is really a most remarkable piece of luck." + +"Yes, Sir. Anything else?" + +"Yes," I said. "I'll have a sugar-sifter, too. Any sugar-sifter will +do. I'm only doing it as a concession." + +"Yes, Sir. Where shall I send them?" + +I gave the address with great gusto, and when I reported the result +of my labours at home I said nothing about the little candlestick. The +mere joy of having bought it was enough for me. Thus George Henderson +received from us his fifth inkstand and his seventh sugar-sifter. He +wrote and said that they were the two things he had most been wishing +for. + + R. C. L. + + * * * * * + + "He looked at her with infinite gentleness. 'I know all about + it,' he said. + + She covered her face with her hands and cried brokenly. But, + coming closer, he put both hands on her shoulders, and lifted + her tea-stained face to his."--_Tasmanian Courier Annual._ + +Tea merchants are invited to compete for the advertisement. + + * * * * * + + "Hodgkins, however; drew ahead, and finally won as stated, + the scores being: Hodgkins, 400; Sunderland, 367. The winner's + best breaks were 24 and 17 (twice), and the doser's 32, 25, + and 20." + + _Sporting Life._ + +He should have made the dose stronger. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dog Pincher (to possible purchaser)._ "I WOULDN'T SELL +'IM FOR FIFTY QUID, ONLY THEY DON'T ALLOW NO DAWGS IN OUR FLATS AT +MALLABY MANSIONS."] + + * * * * * + +FARES. + +"Is that you, Herbert?" I said in surprise. + +It was. + +Strange how machinery can influence a man. The last time I had seen +Herbert he was a rubicund cheerful gardener. He was now a London +taxi-driver, with all the signs of that mystery on him: the +shabbiness, the weariness, the disdain. + +"Are you glad you gave up gardening?" I asked him. + +"Can't say I am now," he replied. "There's more money in this, but the +work's too hard. I miss my sleep, too." + +"You can always go back," I said. + +"I wonder," he replied. "I'd like to. This being at every one's beck +and call who happens to have a shilling is what I'm tired of." + +"What about tips?" I asked. + +"I get plenty of them," he said. "In fact, if the clock registers +tenpence or one and fourpence or one and tenpence I practically always +get the odd twopence. That's all right. It's the people who don't want +to tip but daren't not do it that I can't stand. And there are such +lots of them. That's what makes taxi-drivers look so contemptuous +like--the tips. People think we want the tips; but there's a time when +we'd rather go without them than get them like that." + +I sympathised with him. + +"Then there are the fares who always know a quicker way than we do. +They're terrors. They keep on tapping on the glass to direct us, when +we know all about it all the time. It's them that leads to some of the +accidents, because they take your eyes off the road." + +I sympathised again and made some mental notes for future behaviour +myself. + +"But the pedestrians are the worst," he continued. + +"The pedestrians?" + +"Yes, the people who walk across the road without giving a thought to +the fact that there might be a vehicle coming. The people that never +learn. The people that call you names or make faces at you after +you've saved their silly lives by blowing the hooter at them. Every +minute of the day one is having trouble with them, and it gets on +one's nerves. It's them that makes a taxi-driver look old sooner than +a woman." + +"So you'll go back to the land?" I said. + +"I don't know," he said. "I'd like to, but petrol gets into the blood, +you know." + +I suppose it does. + + * * * * * + + "Dr. Grenfell remarked that the tourist traffic [to Labrador] + was beginning to grow. Life in winter was very attractive, and + was enjoyed as people enjoyed winter in Norway. One of his + few personal reminiscences was how he fell through the ice and + expected to be frozen to death."--_Manchester Guardian._ + +Us for Labrador, every time. + + * * * * * + +Paragraph in a petition addressed to a Government official by a Baboo +who wished to protest against the conduct of another Baboo:-- + + "His hatred of me is so much that in the heat of his animosity + he wilfully omitted to put in the formal ephithet 'Mr.' to my + name, which no man of honour would drop because not so much + for disregarding me, but that he would be doing injustice to + the European etiquette." + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"THE LAND OF PROMISE." + +"I'M about fed up with God's Own Country," says the waster in the play, +a youth who, after exchanging a safe thousand a year at Bridge for the +dangerous delights of "Chemin-de-fer," had been invited by a stern sire +to migrate to Canada. And even so he had not been present during the +Third Act to see the things that we saw, or he would have learnt some +more discouraging facts which are never mentioned in the philosophy of +the emigration-agents; for example, that the solitude and wide spaces of +the Golden West seem to induce, even in the honest native worker, a +reversion to the state of a dragon of the prime. But he had already +seen, in the case of _Norah Marsh_, whom poverty had driven to seek the +shelter of her brother's roof on a Manitoba farm, how the drudgery and +petty jealousies of a narrow Colonial _menage_, the familiar society of +hired hands, and the lack of life's common amenities, had developed a +gently-bred Englishwoman into a sour-tongued shrew. + +Worse was to follow when, as a sole escape from the bitter spite +of her plebeian hostess, she consented to marry a barbarian who was +looking for a woman-of-all-work to manage his primitive shack. Here, +having already mislaid her feminine charm, she loses all sense of +honesty. First, when ordered to do her household duties--which were of +the essence of the contract--she declines to obey till he uses brute +force; and then, when he demands of her the attitude of a wife (a +very embarrassing scene), she protests that this was no part of the +bargain. + +I can't imagine what she supposed the bargain was about, if it didn't +require her to be either wife or servant. + +Terrorism was the man's simple solution; but those who looked, in the +last Act, for a tamed and adoring shrew were to be disappointed. Brute +force had only produced a patient obedience; and it was not till a +damaged crop had brought them to the edge of ruin that she consented +to become his ministering angel. But by that time we knew too well +her distaste for Manitoban methods to believe in the sincerity of this +sudden conversion. + +Altogether, after what Mr. MAUGHAM has done to my illusions, I have +given up any thought of going to God's Own Country in search of a +larger existence. + +The acting was perhaps better than the play, though the play was good +up to a point. The Second Act, with its fierce jealousy and wrangling +and the futile efforts of the farmer (admirably played by Mr. C. V. +FRANCE) to intervene between wife and sister, was excellent. For the +rest, it was the personality of Mr. GODFREY TEARLE, as the savage +mate of the shrew, that dominated the scene. There is no better +rough diamond (and he was really very rough) in the whole stock of +stage-jewellery. Miss IRENE VANBRUGH, though no actress could have +done more with her part, had less chance than usual of showing +her particular gift of _finesse_; and _Norah's_ character was too +inconsistent to command our sympathy. Not that we necessarily gave it +to the man. Indeed it was a flaw in the play that our sympathies were +never thoroughly engaged by either party. We were, of course, prepared +to range ourselves on the winning side, but there was no victory. The +issue was decided by _force majeure_ in the shape of a wretched weed +that destroyed the crop. + +[Illustration: _Extract from "The Prentice (Manitoba) Post"_:--"The +wedding was quite an impromptu affair, the happy pair going straight +to Mr. Taylor's shack, where they are spending the honeymoon quietly." + + _Norah_ Miss IRENE VANBRUGH. + _Frank Taylor_ Mr. GODFREY TEARLE.] + +The situations, though of a rather strenuous order, gave occasion from +time to time for humorous relief. At first, when the English servant +in the opening Act rudely interposed with a facetious comment on the +sincerity of the grief of certain mourners, I feared lest the humour +was going to be distributed loosely without regard to the propriety +of its mouthpiece. But the rest was reasonable enough; and my only +complaint about the best repartee ("There's no place like home." "Some +people are glad there isn't") has to do with its antiquity rather than +with its appropriateness. + +I have never been to Manitoba (and, after seeing _The Land of +Promise_, I am definitely resolved, as I said, never to go), so I +cannot say whether Mr. MAUGHAM'S interiors corresponded to the facts; +but their freedom from any signs of picturesqueness gave them an +air of being the right thing. Life in these parts no doubt revolves +largely round the simple joys of the stomach. Seldom have I seen so +much eating on the stage. We began at Tunbridge Wells with a funeral +tea (though perhaps I ought to pass this over as taking place outside +the Dominion); then as soon as we get to Dyer (Manitoba) we had a +mid-day dinner, with washing-up; and then at Prentice (Manitoba) we +were regaled with a supper of black tea and syrup. + +I am confident that there is a great opening for drama dealing +solely with Life Between Meals. To see people smoking on the stage is +sufficiently irritating; but, when you are assisting at a First Night +after a sketchy repast from the grill, all this feeding on the stage, +however frugal the menu, makes for exasperation. + +Finally I must compliment Mr. MAUGHAM on his ironical title. For his +play, too, is a thing "of promise" rather than achievement, if it +is to be judged by the test of the Last Act. Still, if a play only +promises well enough and long enough--as this play did--that is an +achievement in itself. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +THE TORTOISESHELL CAT. + + THE tortoiseshell cat + She sits on the mat, + As gay as a sunflower she; + In orange and black you see her blink, + And her waistcoat's white, and her nose is pink, + And her eyes are green of the sea. + But all is vanity, all the way; + Twilight's coming and close of day, + And every cat in the twilight's grey, + Every possible cat. + + The tortoiseshell cat + She is smooth and fat, + And we call her Josephine, + Because she weareth upon her back + This coat of colours, this raven black, + This red of the tangerine. + But all is vanity, all the way; + Twilight follows the brightest day, + And every cat in the twilight's grey, + Every possible cat. + + * * * * * + +The Thrusters. + + "The Ball given by the Ministry of Communications last night + in the new Waichiaopu Building was a great success in every + way. Although only 1,500 invitations were sent out, more + than that number of guests attended the Ball."--_Peking Daily + News._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN THE ALMOST CERTAIN PROSPECT OF A STORMY SESSION, WHY +NOT ADOPT THE "TERRACE" SYSTEM AS NOW USED AT THE ZOO?] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +I think I could best convey my impression of Miss ETHEL SIDGWICK'S +work by quoting the advertisement of a popular magazine which used to +proclaim that "these stories are different." All of Miss SIDGWICK'S +are this, though you might possibly be hard put to it to say exactly +how. It is chiefly an affair of style; there is about all of them +a certain dignity of utterance that combines with their humanity to +produce an effect wholly individual and rare. Take her latest example, +_A Lady of Leisure_ (SIDGWICK AND JACKSON). There is really very +little to arrest attention in the story itself; the characters are +persons whom you could meet every day, but in Miss SIDGWICK'S hands +they become creatures of extraordinary fascination. The result is a +novel by no means easy to criticise; partly because one is left with +the feeling (of course the most subtle compliment to any author) that +the characters have fashioned it themselves. Time and again one +seems to observe Miss SIDGWICK working towards some inevitable +_scene-a-faire_, when bounce! off go her people on an entirely +unexpected tack, which you must yet admit to be the very one they +quite obviously would follow. Never was a cast so incalculably alive. +Naturally for this reason its vagaries (they are almost all in love +and generally with the wrong person) would take too long to recount +in detail. I can only state my personal preference for the group that +consists of the heroine, _Violet Ashwin_, her father, the fashionable +physician, and her brainless but quite wonderful mother. I plump for +the _Ashwin_ household in short as a really brilliant contribution +to the homes in modern fiction. I don't say you will find their charm +easy of assimilation. The society of such clever and elusive folk as +_Violet_ and her father is bound to be hard going at first for +the general. But _Mrs. Ashwin_--oh, she is a joy, a marvel, an +exasperation! You will delight to read about her. + + * * * * * + +The first thing I have to say about _Initiation_ (HUTCHINSON) is that +it might have been written by Dr. CLIFFORD. The nice people in it +are all Roman Catholics, but a group of Huguenots or of Calvinistic +Methodists would have served the author's purpose equally well. For +ROBERT HUGH BENSON, the novelist, has (so to speak) told Monsignor +BENSON, the priest, to mind his own business, and leave him to +his, which is the telling of a story, and not the advocacy of any +particular form of religion. The second point to notice in the book is +that it divides its characters, and incidentally all characters, into +those who are initiated and those who are not. The initiated are those +who have learnt, chiefly by suffering, the lesson of life, which +is that it treats us as it likes. Because they have learnt it, +they trust, even when they do not understand, the purpose of the +life-giver; because they trust they do not kick against the pricks. +The young Catholic English gentleman, of whose initiation the story +tells, suffers prodigiously under two of the greatest misfortunes, +physical and mental, that a man may endure and live. And yet, when he +comes to die, you feel, and he knows, that they are not misfortunes, +but the opening up of the way of life. The chief cause of his mental +suffering, a young girl of eighteen or nineteen, is described (well on +in the book) as a practically insane egoist. She is, to my mind, the +weak spot in the story. Frankly I don't believe in her. A girl of her +age could not have been so selfishly cruel, and yet have taken in her +world as she did. I will own that she took me in at first; but that +was the author's fault. He ought not to have let me, as his reader, +think her charming and particularly sympathetic when he knew all the +time that she cared for no one but herself. I don't think that is +playing the game. All the I same, I like his book. + + * * * * * + +Having read Mr. REGINALD BLUNT'S book, _In Cheyne Walk and Thereabout_ +(MILLS AND BOON), I am now prepared to pass an examination in the +history and the worthies (or unworthies) of Chelsea. I know that +DON SALTERO was no Spaniard, but an ardent collector of childish +curiosities who for a time kept a coffee-house and a smoking club of +which "the ornaments and apparatus" were eventually offered to CHARLES +LAMB. If I am asked about Dr. MESSENGER MONSEY I shall say that he +"tried hard, but with indifferent success, to popularise his own +method of extracting teeth by tying one end of a piece of catgut to +the offending molar and the other to a perforated bullet, putting the +latter with a full charge of powder into a revolver and then pulling +the trigger." Then again there is BARTHOLOMEW JOSEPH ALEXANDER DE +DOMINICETI, Lord DE CETE ET DE CORTESI, Knight of the Holy Boman +Empire and Noble of Venice in terra firma. How did he with his +resounding name come to be in Chelsea and there establish "baths, +fumigatory stoves and sweating chambers" for the relief of distressed +humanity? This question and a hundred others of a similar nature you +will find answered in Mr. BLUNT'S delightful book. Let Mr. BLUNT take +you by the hand and guide you through his beloved Chelsea. He is +the most urbane and the most agreeably gossiping companion. He will +re-introduce you to Sir THOMAS MORE, Sir HANS SLOANE; to NEILD, the +prison-reformer, and his son JOHN, the famous miser; to the CARLYLES +and their servant JESSIE HEDDLESTONE, and a host of others. And he +will remind you that Dr. JOHNSON endeavoured to manufacture Chelsea +china, and that his _chefs d'oeuvre_ always collapsed in the firing. +Take my advice and acquire Mr. BLUNT'S book. + + * * * * * + +I suspect that _Mr. Simpson_, who gives his name to the story +_Simpson_ (METHUEN), can hardly have shared my own exhausting +acquaintance with modern fiction, otherwise it is unlikely that he +would have behaved as he did. What happened was this. _Simpson_, +though on the wrong side of forty, well off and eminently lovable, was +unmarried. Finding a charming old house in the country, he conceives +the idea of renting it as a kind of bachelor residential club where he +and other congenial cronies can enjoy the life of ease untroubled +by any form of feminism. Well, that, to start with, one might fairly +describe as "asking for it." But when I add that the old house in +question was the property of a still young and charming widow you will +probably agree with me that poor _Simpson_ hadn't even a dog's chance +from the beginning. It is possible that this fore-dooming may a little +spoil your enjoyment of Miss ELINOR MORDAUNT'S otherwise pleasant +tale. Naturally, so far from women being banished from its pages, +they simply abound; and the tale of the progress of the bachelor club +resolves itself into a chronicle of proposals. There is however an +attractive variety about the love affairs, of which I liked best +that of the youngest couple. With two there is a note of tragedy; +and though the courtship of _Gilbert Strong_, a respectable country +lawyer, and the wild gipsy whom he marries may strike you as +fantastic, the end of their romance is well told with a fine +suggestion of inevitability. On the whole an agreeable and easy-going +tale, though without any unusual claim to distinction. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IT WAS AN AMBITIOUS YOUTH WHO, WHILE TRAVELLING ON +THE CONTINENT, WAS OFFERED THE CROWN OF ONE OF THE SMALLER STATES AND +REFUSED IT, SAYING, HE "DISLIKED THESE BLIND-ALLEY OCCUPATIONS."] + + * * * * * + +I quite realise that I have not the shadow of a case against Mr. +ALGERNON BLACKWOOD. He frankly calls his book _Ten Minute Stories_ +(MURRAY), and that is exactly what they are. Nevertheless I did feel +a little aggrieved when each of them stopped with a jerk just as I +had become absorbed. One has a sense of having been cheated of one's +rights. That is why, though many of these sketches are as good as +they can be, I do not think that the book will be quite so popular +as others of his. But devout Blackwoodsmen will add it to their +collections and re-read the majority of its contents again and again, +as I propose to do. On second thoughts, indeed, I may say that perhaps +Mr. BLACKWOOD is not so unfair to his public as I have suggested, +for he is one of those writers who are not dead and done with after a +first perusal. He can pack a vast deal of food for thought even into +a ten-minute story. A good example of what I mean is to be found +in number fifteen of the collection, "Ancient Lights." Even a +scene-shifter at the Savoy Theatre would believe in fairies after one +reading of that. And if, after studying "If the Cap Fits," you lightly +steal a fellow-member's hat from your club, I shall regard you as a +very reckless dashing fellow. With the awful example of _Field-Martin_ +before me, I would not do it for a fortune. I shall buy one of those +frightful plush hats which you see in shops but never out of them, and +I shall have my name in large letters on the inside band. And to the +hat-waiter's insidious "This is just as good, Sir," as he offers +me some sinister bowler or topper with a past, I shall reply with +gestures of disgust and threats to write to the committee. + + * * * * * + + "Detached 7-roomed horse wanted."--_The Norbury Weekly News._ + +Where is your one-stalled ox now? + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's Note: + +Page 161: 'Deutches' is as printed. Alternative spelling (Wikipedia) + + "Herr REINHARDT'S Deutches Theater" + +Page 174: 'beleagured' corrected to 'beleaguered'. + + "likened to a beleaguered garrison," + +Page 174: 'lose' corrected to 'loose'. + +"A bull has got loose in the china" + + Page 174: 'privonces' is as printed. (A 'Punch' joke: Metrolopis). + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +146, March 4th 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 38794.txt or 38794.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/7/9/38794/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/38794.zip b/38794.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..38fd57d --- /dev/null +++ b/38794.zip diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7aa8773 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #38794 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/38794) |
