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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 20:11:09 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 20:11:09 -0700 |
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diff --git a/38794-h/38794-h.htm b/38794-h/38794-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..546c4a7 --- /dev/null +++ b/38794-h/38794-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3345 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, March 4th 1914.</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + .ind {margin-left: 2em; margin-right: 2em;} + .indrl {margin-left: 2em; margin-right: 2em;} + .ind1 {margin-left: 5em; margin-right: 5em;} + .ind2 {margin-left: 8em; margin-right: 5em;} + .ind3 {margin-left: 30%;} + .ind4 {margin-left: 25%; margin-top: -1em;} + .right {text-align: right; margin-right: 2em;} + .outdent {text-align: left; margin-left: -2em;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + blockquote {text-align: justify; font-size: 0.9em; margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%;} + .block {text-align: justify; font-size: 0.95em; margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 10%;} + .sans {font-family: sans-serif;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + span.oes {font-family: "old english text", "script mt bold", serif; font-size: 1.2em; font-weight: bold;} + .center {text-align: center;} + .center1 {text-align: center; font-size: 0.9em;} + .center2 {text-align: center; margin-left: 25%; margin-right: 25%; padding-bottom: 1em;} + .left {float: left; text-align: left;} + .right {float: right; text-align: right;} + table {padding-bottom: 1em; clear: both;} + td.left1 {font-size: 1em; text-align: left; padding-left: 0.5em;} + td.bigbrace {font-size: 2.5em; font-weight: normal; padding: 0;} + td.note {text-align: left; font-size: 0.9em; font-weight: normal; border: 1px dashed; padding: 1em;} + ul.none {font-size: 1.0em; margin-left: 2em; list-style-type: none;} + li {margin-bottom: 1em;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.medium {width: 76%;} + html>body hr.medium {margin-right: 12%; margin-left: 12%; width: 76%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 30%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 35%; margin-left: 35%; width: 30%;} + ins {text-decoration: none; border-bottom: dashed 1px silver;} + p.note {margin-left: 25%; margin-right: 20%;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 2em;} + p.author1 {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 25%;} + p.author2 {text-align: right; margin-bottom: -0.8em; margin-right: 22%;} + span.pagenum {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem {margin-left: 25%; margin-right: 10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + .poem p.i12 {margin-left: 6em;} + .poem p.i14 {margin-left: 7em;} + .poem p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + .poem p.i36 {margin-left: 18em;} + + .poem1 {margin-left: 32%; margin-right: 10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem1 .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem1 p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem1 p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem1 p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem1 p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem1 p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.9em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + a.footnote:link {color: #3366ff; background: inherit; font-size: 1.2em; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;} + a.footnote:visited {color: #cc00cc; background: inherit; font-size: 1.2em; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;} + a.footnote:hover {color: #ff0000; background: inherit; text-decoration: none;} + a.footnote:active {color: #00ffcc; background: inherit; text-decoration: underline;} + + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, +March 4th 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, March 4th 1914 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: February 9, 2012 [EBook #38794] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page161" id="page161"></a>[pg 161]</span> + +<h1>Punch, or the London Charivari</h1> + +<h2>Volume 146, March 4th 1914</h2> + +<h4><i>edited by Owen Seaman</i></h4> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2 class="sans">CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p>According to <i>The Globe</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Yeo</span>, +in returning thanks after the Poplar +election, shouted to a female interrupter; +"Shut up, you silly cat, shut +up!" To this, we understand, the cat +retorted generously, "My-Yeo!"</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The <span class="sc">Gaby Deslys'</span> tradition? Miss +<span class="sc">Lottie Venne</span> is appearing at the +Criterion in a <i>Pair of Silk Stockings</i>, +and Miss <span class="sc">Mary Moore</span> is touring the +provinces in <i>Mrs. Gorringe's +Necklace</i>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> has forbidden the +production at Herr <span class="sc">Reinhardt's</span> +Deutches Theater of a play +called <i>Ferdinand, Prince of +Prussia</i>, on the ground that one +of the characters is a member of +the Prussian Royal Family. We +ourselves should never have dared +to hint that this fact renders the +play unfit for the public.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Cheery notice on the window +of an insurance office in New +Broad Street, E.C.:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"<span class="sc">Guarantees</span>,</p> +<p class="i4"><span class="sc">Sickness</span></p> +<p class="i4"><span class="sc">combined</span></p> +<p class="i2"><span class="sc">with Accident</span>."</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Dr. <span class="sc">Durham</span> lectured last +week on Explosives as an aid to +Gardening; but many persons +think that the quiet man who +does not lose his temper gets +better results.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Burglars, last week, broke +into a synagogue at Newcastle-on-Tyne +and removed practically +all the articles of value, +including a silver cup and a +pointer. Surprise is expressed +in some quarters that the pointer +should not have given the alarm +by barking.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Living artists sometimes complain +that it is only the Old Masters who +are appreciated nowadays. Authors +would seem to be more fortunate. +Take the following paragraph from +<i>The Bedford Express</i>:—"On Sunday +the well-known elocutionist, Mr. +<span class="sc">Frederick Duxbury</span>, visited Stevenage. +He preached morning and evening +at the Wesleyan Church, and +in the afternoon he gave a sacred +recital. His principal item on Sunday +afternoon was Coulson Kernahan's +'God and the Ant,' but he +included one or two lesser pieces, +including a chapter from the book of +Job."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It was stated last week in the Marylebone +Police Court that there is a +gang of thieves in London who do not +hesitate to steal motor-cars whenever +they find them unattended in the street. +These scoundrels are crafty enough not +to pick up the cars and put them under +their arm, for they realise that this +might attract attention, but they just +jump in and drive off.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We are glad to note a renewed outcry +against the unearthly noises made by +many motor-car hooters. If they must +run over us, the least they can do is to +let us die in peace.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;"><a href="images/161-800.png"><img src="images/161-350.png" width="350" height="509" alt="'Father, I cannot tell a good lie.'" /></a> +<p><i>Dad</i> (<i>who has brought his son to the links for the first time</i>).</p> +<p>"<span class="sc">Is it a good lie, Harold</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Harold</i> (<i>unconsciously ranking himself with the Great</i>). +"<span class="sc">Father, I cannot tell a good lie</span>."</p></div> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It seems a pity that so little is done +to encourage the growing love of art +among the criminal classes. The +Italian gentleman who guarded "La +Gioconda" so carefully has not been +so much as thanked for his pains, and +now it is stated that six persons have +been arrested in Paris and Brussels for +removing art objects from the admittedly +unsafe custody of museums.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Stout residents of Cornforth, Durham, +having protested against the narrowness +of some of the gateways on the local +paths, the parish council has decided to +widen them. It was found that this +would be more economical than to send +these citizens to Marienbad to have +their bulk reduced.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Publishers are continually making +finds, and Messrs. <span class="sc">Duckworth and Co.</span> +have been peculiarly fortunate. In +their current list they announce the +publication of "Lost Diaries" and +"The Lost Road."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Sale of Votes by Women.</p> + +<p>Incidents in a Chicago Election." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind3"><i>Daily Express.</i></p> + +<p class="ind1">By a curious coincidence we +have seen ladies selling <i>Votes for +Women</i> in the streets of London.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind1">Yet another example of the +industry of the foreigner. A +pamphlet issued by the Lincolnshire +Chick Farm informs us +that "On the Cyphers' Co. +Poultry Plant, one flock of 400 +White Leghorns shows an average +of 185.2 eggs per bird in +36.5 days." This, we need +scarcely tell our readers, works +out at 5.06849315 eggs per bird +per day.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>Another Episcopal Scandal.</h3> + +<h4>"<span class="sc">King and New Bishops.</span></h4> + +<blockquote><p> +The King received at Buckingham +Palace to-day the new Bishops of +Chelmsford and St. Edmundsbury +and Ipswich. The Home Secretary +administered the oath. +</p></blockquote> + +<h4><span class="sc">Found to be Insane</span>.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +Judgment was reserved." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>Westminster Gazette.</i></p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Much the largest of all the woodpeckers +in this country is the great +black woodpecker (<i>Picus martius</i>). +This is a very rare species, occurring +only in the wilds of the wooded +mountain areas. It is about 18 miles +in length." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>Pekin and Tientsin Times.</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">As the crow flies.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>England's far-reaching Influence.</h3> + +<h4>"RESULT OF THE <br />POPLAR ELECTION.</h4> + +<h4><span class="sc">No Foreigner safe in Mexico.</span>"</h4> + +<p class="author1">"<i>Yorkshire Observer" Placard.</i> +</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h4>"<span class="sc">Sir William Ramsay's Poser Startles Audience.</span></h4> + +<p class="center">Special Cable to the New York Times and +Montreal Gazette.</p> + +<blockquote><p>London, February 4.—Sir William Ramsay +raised the question whether the unfit should +be left to die at the annual dinner of the +Institute of Sanitary Engineers to-night."</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>The Gazette (Montreal).</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">There would, of course, be no difficulty +about the "funeral bakéd meats."</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page162" id="page162"></a>[pg 162]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2 class="sans">IN MEMORIAM.</h2> + +<h2><span class="oes">John Tenniel.</span></h2> + +<p class="center2"> +<span class="left"><span class="sc">Born 1820.</span></span> <span class="right"><span class="sc">Died February 25th, 1914.</span></span></p> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Now he whose gallant heart so lightly bore</p> +<p class="i4">So long the burden of the years' increase</p> +<p class="i2">Passes at length toward the silent shore,</p> +<p class="i8">From peace to deeper peace.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And we, his honoured comrades, by whose side</p> +<p class="i4">His haunting spirit keeps its ancient spell,</p> +<p class="i2">We bring our tribute, woven of love and pride,</p> +<p class="i8">And say a last farewell.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Yet not farewell; because eternal youth</p> +<p class="i4">Still crowns the craftsmanship where hand and eye</p> +<p class="i2">Saw and interpreted the soul of Truth,</p> +<p class="i8">Letting the rest go by.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Thus for his pictured pageant, gay or grave,</p> +<p class="i4">He seized and fixed the moving hour's event,</p> +<p class="i2">Maker of history by the life he gave</p> +<p class="i8">To fact with fancy blent.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">So lives the Artist in the work he wrought;</p> +<p class="i4">Yet Nature dowered the Man with gifts more dear—</p> +<p class="i2">A chivalrous true knight in deed and thought,</p> +<p class="i6"> Without reproach or fear. O. S.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2 class="sans">THE PERFECT CONDUCTOR.</h2> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Good morning</span>, Sir," he said, as I boarded a leviathan +one day last week. "What a beautiful morning, isn't it? +What can I have the pleasure of doing for you?" He +daftly pulled half-a-dozen tickets from his stock and permitted +me to inspect them.</p> + +<p>"Fresh in this morning, Sir," he continued. "White, +one penny; a great many people prefer them because they +go well with any colour. For the blue ones we are asking +twopence; they have only the same amount of information +but take you twice as far. Sweet shade, isn't it?" He +stepped back and held one up to the light for my benefit.</p> + +<p>"Well, I really only wanted a pennyworth, but I <i>must</i> +have one of the blue ones—they <i>are</i> attractive, as you say. +I shall keep it in memory of you."</p> + +<p>"Very good of you, Sir. You won't mind my making +a little hole in it? A mere matter of form; and the bell, +which rings to announce the conclusion of the operation, is, +as you will notice, quite musical. A sovereign? I shall +be delighted to change it for you." He gave me the correct +change, bowed, and turned to answer a lady passenger.</p> + +<p>"Have we passed Sloane Street?" she had enquired.</p> + +<p>"We passed it at least five minutes ago, madam. Were +you wishing to alight there?"</p> + +<p>"I was," replied the lady; "but don't trouble—I can +walk back."</p> + +<p>He was horrified at the thought.</p> + +<p>"Certainly not, my dear madam," he protested. Turning +to the little ventilator-window by which he could communicate +with the driver, he rapped. "William," he called, +"a lady here desired to get down at Sloane Street. Do +you mind...?"</p> + +<p>"Charles," responded the driver, stopping the 'bus, "you +know our one ambition is to please the passengers who so +trustfully commit themselves to our charge. Mingle my +regrets with yours, as representing the Company, that we +should have omitted clearly to intimate when we were in +the vicinity of Sloane Street. We will lose no time in +correcting the error."</p> + +<p>"William," said Charles, "it is only what I should have +expected of you. It is the least we can do." William +turned the 'bus carefully and ran quickly back, to the +admiration of the other passengers, who murmured +unanimous approval of such graceful courtesy.</p> + +<p>"This," announced Charles, as we pulled up after a while, +having recovered the lost ground, "is South Kensington +Station. We stay here one full minute for the advantage +of any person who wishes to visit the neighbourhood; after +which we shall proceed, if all goes well, to Putney, taking with +us perchance those who have business in that direction."</p> + +<p>I prepared to alight, and Charles shook my hand warmly.</p> + +<p>"Speaking for William and myself, Sir, representing the +Company," he said with emotion, "we are indeed sorry to +lose you. It would have given us both great pleasure +could your presence have graced the remainder of the journey. +Still, doubtless your private affairs compel you to sever this +so charming acquaintanceship, and on some future occasion +I trust we may again meet?"</p> + +<p>"I trust so, Charles," I answered. "Farewell."</p> + +<p>"<i>Au revoir</i>," said Charles, waving a hand. Sorrowfully +I left him, hearing as I departed his dulcet tones addressing +the passers-by: "If anyone would care to step on, we are +going to...."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2 class="sans">MANNERS FOR PARENTS.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch,</span>—Instead of writing all this nonsense +about the behaviour of boys at school, why doesn't someone +write about the behaviour of parents at school—at +their son's school, I mean? That is a subject which really +requires ventilation, for the behaviour of most parents +at school is <i>positively mouldy</i>.</p> + +<p>Of course it's very nice for your people to come down +and see you and all that, but there's a good deal of +anxiety about it which might easily be avoided, and I have +therefore written out a few simple <span class="sc">Rules for Parents +at School</span> which I hope you will publish.</p> + +<ul class="none"> +<li>(I.) Do not greet your son upon your arrival with +"Well, boysie," or some such rotten expression as that. It's +the sort of thing that it may take him years to live down.</li> + +<li>(II.) Do not insist upon attaching the son of your old +friend Smith to the party. Old Smith may be all right, +but young Smith may be in a House you can't mix with, +or something like that.</li> + +<li>(III.) Do not say to your son, of someone else's cap, +"That's a pretty cap; why don't you have one like it?" +because it's probably either the First XI. colours, or the +cap of a House you wouldn't be seen dead in.</li> + +<li>(IV.) Do not tell the House Master how well your son +played in the boys' cricket match last summer holidays. +Your son is probably a perfect rabbit, and the master is +certain to know it.</li> + +<li>(V.) Do not discuss such subjects as "The Public School +and the Development of Character" with the masters in +your son's presence. It's very unpleasant to have the +development of your character discussed. In fact it's +hardly decent.</li> + +<li>(VI.) Do not treat a member of the XI. as if he were +an ordinary person; and—</li> + +<li>(VII.) For Heaven's sake don't walk across Great Green. +Only fellows who have been in the XI. two seasons may +do so, yet I've known parents wander all over it before +their sons could stop them, and only laugh when told +what they had done!</li></ul> + +<p>Hoping you will publish this, as I think you ought +to do,</p> + + <p class="ind2">Yours truly, <span class="sc">Chubb</span> Minor. +</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page163" id="page163"></a>[pg 163]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/163-1200.png"><img src="images/163-375.png" width="375" height="480" alt="THE NINE OLD MEN OF THE SEA." /></a> +<h2>THE NINE OLD MEN OF THE SEA.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Ramsay MacSindbad.</span> "WELL, WELL, IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE. THERE MIGHT +HAVE BEEN TEN OF 'EM."</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page164" id="page164"></a>[pg 164]</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page165" id="page165"></a>[pg 165]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/165-1500.png"><img src="images/165-600.png" width="600" height="402" alt="MORE NEW BLOOD FOR OLD ENGLAND." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">MORE NEW BLOOD FOR OLD ENGLAND.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">Intrigued by the action of the Great Eastern Railway authorities in importing a new manager from the States, +the Government, it is rumoured, are about to go even further afield in search of promising talent for the Front +Bench.</span></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>MY HEROES.</h2> + +<p>Every day of my life I am more and +more impressed by the genius of two +men. These men are <span class="sc">Gutenberg</span> and +<span class="sc">Morse</span>. <span class="sc">Gutenberg</span> invented printing +and <span class="sc">Morse</span> was more or less in at the +birth of telegraphy. What should we +do without either?</p> + +<p>It is morning and I turn to the +paper. It happens to be <i>The Daily +Graphic</i>. What do I find? I find +<span class="sc">Gutenberg</span> and <span class="sc">Morse</span> once more in +collaboration. Thus:—</p> + +<h3>"MR. BALFOUR LOSES HIS WAY.</h3> + +<p class="author2"><span class="sc">Cannes</span>, Monday.</p> + +<blockquote><p> +Mr. Balfour paid a visit yesterday in pouring +rain to Mr. Chamberlain at the Villa +Victoria. Mr. Balfour lost his way, and +passing the house strolled along the Fréjus +road, scanning the name of every house until +he found a chauffeur who directed him to the +Villa Victoria. Subsequently Mr. Balfour returned +to the Hotel Continental and motored +out to dinner.—Central News." +</p></blockquote> + +<p>What, privileges we enjoy, we moderns! +Five hundred years ago, four hundred, +the world would have been in ignorance +of any event of this kind. Statesmen +would have lost their way in +foreign towns and no one at home +would have known. Think of the +privation! But now, not only, thanks +to <span class="sc">Gutenberg</span>, do we know it and +think accordingly, but, thanks to <span class="sc">Morse</span>, +we know it the next day and our thrills +are not delayed.</p> + +<p>So much for the morning.</p> + +<p>It is a few minutes later—evening. +Not really evening, because it is before +lunch, but evening enough for the +Tenth Muse, bless her! I open <i>The +Evening News</i> and what do I find? +<span class="sc">Gutenberg</span> alone; but how full of +matter! Thus:—</p> + +<h3>"SEVEN.</h3> + +<blockquote> +<p>The mystic number seven is curiously associated +with the baby daughter of Mr. and +Mrs. Knight, of Old Swinford, Worcestershire.</p> + +<p>She was born at the Seven Stars Hotel at +the seventh hour of the seventh day of the +seventh month.</p> + +<p>There were seven customers in the bar when +her birth was announced, seven persons were +present at the christening, and there are seven +letters in her Christian name.</p> + +<p>Her father is the eldest of seven children +and her mother the youngest of seven. She +has seven uncles." +</p></blockquote> + +<p>There's for you! But of course this +is not enough. The chronicler, try as +he might, is but a scamper after all. +Not only were there seven customers +in the bar, but each had had seven +drinks. Whiskey (there are seven +letters in whiskey, spelt my way) +punch. Each had a slice of lemon and +there were seven pips in the lemon. +Of the seven uncles each had a watch, +making seven watches, and a cigar +case, making seven cigar-cases. So it +might go on for ever.</p> + +<p>Similarly the nine deported Labour +leaders arrived in the Thames nine +minutes after somebody else and nine +minutes before somebody else. The +term "dock-berth" has nine letters in +it, and Nine Elms is on the Thames too. +Whew!</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"We find ourselves generally in agreement +with the writer Dr. Figgis, so our enjoyment +of his books is the keener and less +critical. When we do criticise it is as though +we found faults in a friend whom we know +very well and regard very highly. This position +Dr. Figgis has won for himself by the +thoroughness as well as the cleverness of his +literary work."—<i>Athenæum.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">Dr. <span class="sc">Figgis</span> must be a proud man to-day.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page166" id="page166"></a>[pg 166]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2 class="sans">INTERVIEWING FATHER.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Sir George</span> is not a nice man. He +is a mercenary, narrow-minded person. +I never really liked him, but then he +never really liked me. However, he is +Miranda's father, so I decided to interview +him. The interview took place at +his office. He waved me to a chair, +and, as it seemed all that I was likely +to get, I took it.</p> + +<p>"Well?" Sir George grunted.</p> + +<p>His tone indicated an unfriendly +spirit, so I retorted, "Well."</p> + +<p>There was a slight pause. +Then he said, rather aggressively. +"I never lend money."</p> + +<p>"I suspected it," I replied; +"I practically never borrow +money, but that is my misfortune +and not my fault."</p> + +<p>"Then what can I do for you?"</p> + +<p>"You have a daughter——"</p> + +<p>"I have," he interrupted.</p> + +<p>"I knew we should find a +common basis of agreement. +Miranda is unmarried; I am +unmarried."</p> + +<p>"You suggest marrying my +daughter?"</p> + +<p>"I make no suggestion, but +the idea had crossed my mind."</p> + +<p>"Can you keep a wife?"</p> + +<p>"I never lost one yet. I think +that with a little tact——"</p> + +<p>"I mean, have you any +money?"</p> + +<p>"Eighteen shillings and fourpence," +I answered, producing +that sum as evidence of my +<i>bona fides</i>.</p> + +<p>"That is not a very large +capital on which to start married +life."</p> + +<p>"True, but I'm not mercenary. +Yet perhaps, as we seem to have +drifted on to the question of +money, I might mention that I +have property—house property."</p> + +<p>"I don't believe much in house +property in these days."</p> + +<p>"I don't either. Though I lay no +particular stress on the matter, I also +have some mortgages."</p> + +<p>"I don't care much about mortgages."</p> + +<p>"I agree with you. Beastly things, +I call them."</p> + +<p>"What income do you derive from +the property and the mortgages?"</p> + +<p>"I don't exactly derive any income +from either. You see, the two things +go together—I mean the property and +the mortgages. I don't fancy the +mortgagees get much income from the +property, though I suppose they try +their best. Perhaps, strictly speaking, +I can hardly call the property mine +since the mortgagees took possession. +The mortgages however are undoubtedly +mine. I created them, you +know."</p> + +<p>Sir George rose pompously, so I +went on at once:</p> + +<p>"I have some shares. I should like +your opinion on them."</p> + +<p>"What kind of shares?"</p> + +<p>"The usual kind—paper, but quite +nice artistic designs on them."</p> + +<p>"In what companies?"</p> + +<p>"I forget the names of the companies, +but I think that they had something +to do with rubber."</p> + +<p>"Then you can take my advice and +sell them."</p> + +<p>"Thanks awfully," I said, "if that +means that you'll buy them. I always +thought that I should eventually find +someone to help me out."</p> + +<p>"I will not buy your shares. But +before I finally close this interview I +should like to know, as a matter of +curiosity, on what you live?"</p> + +<p>"Meat and things, like other people. +I'm no vegetarian."</p> + +<p>"I mean, how do you obtain food +and clothes? I see that you do +wear clothes. At present I'm a little +puzzled."</p> + +<p>"It's a matter which has often +puzzled me. I get them somehow. +Sometimes I work and sometimes, but +not very often, I get paid for my work. +I believe that if I were married I could +earn more."</p> + +<p>"What makes you think that?"</p> + +<p>"Well, you see, I couldn't very well +earn less."</p> + +<p>"Then am I to understand that you +have practically no income?"</p> + +<p>"If it comes to that, has Miranda +any income?"</p> + +<p>"My daughter will have what I +choose to allow her."</p> + +<p>"And I shall have what I choose to +earn, so it seems that we should be +fairly well matched."</p> + +<p>"Sir, I consider your request +to marry my daughter an impertinence, +and the flippancy with +which you have conducted this +interview an insult."</p> + +<p>"Sir George," I said impressively, +"be just before you are +generous. If you think over +the matter calmly you will recognise +that I have made no such +request. You are an older man +than I, so I pass over anything +that you may have said in the +heat of the moment. I am +willing to part friends."</p> + +<p>For a moment I thought he +would burst. He ignored my +outstretched hand and almost +shouted, "I don't care how we +part, so long as we do part. +You will oblige me by not seeing +or communicating with my +daughter again."</p> + +<p>As I was passing through the +door I remarked, "Without making +any rash promises, I will +endeavour to oblige you. I +gather, as much from your demeanour +as anything else, that +you do not favour me as a suitor +for your daughter's hand. As a +matter of fact, I look with equal +disfavour on you as a possible +father-in-law. My real object +in seeking this interview was to +remove any misapprehension you might +have on the subject."</p> + +<p>When I was well outside the door, +laughter really took hold of me for the +first time since Miranda refused to +marry me.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"><a href="images/166-800.png"><img src="images/166-300.png" width="300" height="427" alt="Underground Train Conductor (sulkily to passenger jumping" /></a> +<p><i>Underground Train Conductor (sulkily to passenger jumping +in after train has started).</i> "<span class="sc">Nah then! if you'd ha' +fallen dahn and broke yer neck <i>I</i> should 'ave been +the one to suffer.</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Mr. Hartley is the proud possessor of the +English championship belt for running broad +jump, having cleared something over 45 feet." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>The Morning Albertan.</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">His pride is very excusable.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"In our day when many women consider +the art of managing a home beneath the +dignity of their supposed sex, not everyone +knows how to make a pancake." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>Liverpool Daily Post and Mercury.</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">"Supposed" is good.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page167" id="page167"></a>[pg 167]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/167-1500.png"><img src="images/167-600.png" width="600" height="436" alt="MARCH WINDS." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">MARCH WINDS.</h3> + +<p><i>Short-sighted Official (to gentleman pursuing hat).</i> "<span class="sc">Call your dog off, Sir, call your dog off," etc., etc., etc.</span></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3 class="sans">MOVING.</h3> + +<h4>(<i>A Suburban Elegy.</i>)</h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2"><span class="sc">When</span> I remember I shall tread no more</p> +<p class="i4">In such a short time now the well-known street,</p> +<p class="i2">And never to these ears shall sound the roar</p> +<p class="i4">Of Perkins' cart-wheels, dangerously fleet,</p> +<p class="i2">Bringing the boon of Ceres to the door,</p> +<p class="i4">Nor those of Batson (Batson is the meat);—</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">When I recall that in the hours to come</p> +<p class="i4">My eyes may never see the shape of Pott</p> +<p class="i2">Planting his fish down, then methinks it's rum</p> +<p class="i4">That mortal men should move and be forgot</p> +<p class="i2">By those that serve their household daily, some</p> +<p class="i4">Sending the right delivery, some not.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Full often on my homeward way I pause</p> +<p class="i4">Where Jones is standing at his shop-front trim;</p> +<p class="i2">We pass remarks about the nation's laws</p> +<p class="i4">And how it still keeps up, though skies are grim;</p> +<p class="i2">And Jones is most polite to me, because</p> +<p class="i4">We've always got our groceries from him.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">But the old orders soon shall cease to be,</p> +<p class="i4">And I must pass into an unknown land,</p> +<p class="i2">And at the corner by The Holly Tree</p> +<p class="i4">Where now he lifts a ceremonious hand</p> +<p class="i2">Yon constable shall scarce remember me,</p> +<p class="i4">Not that he ever——Quite. You understand.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And alien lips from mine must move to swear</p> +<p class="i4">Over the mangled remnants of a shirt</p> +<p class="i2">Brutally done to death with fiendish care</p> +<p class="i4">By yon steam laundry. Last I come to Bert;</p> +<p class="i2">Bert's is the best known face in all the Square,</p> +<p class="i4">Being the milk, and something more—a flirt.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Yes, for not only bleeds this heart of mine;</p> +<p class="i4">There shall be tenderer spasms when we shift,</p> +<p class="i2">Such bits of cheek, such observations fine,</p> +<p class="i4">Such honied whispers have been heard to drift</p> +<p class="i2">From Susan at the casement of her shrine</p> +<p class="i4">To Romeo managing the tradesmen's lift.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Hers shall be all the loss; he'll soon forget.</p> +<p class="i4">Others shall ope accounts when we are gone;</p> +<p class="i2">Movings are all too frequent for regret;</p> +<p class="i4">Yet one methinks there is shall dream upon</p> +<p class="i2">Our name with soft remembrance, guard it yet</p> +<p class="i4">Like some pressed violet. I refer to John.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I know our postal service, know full well,</p> +<p class="i4">Though we have told them to what bourn we flit,</p> +<p class="i2">How many a missive shall obey the spell</p> +<p class="i4">Of the old false address inscribed on it.</p> +<p class="i2">And John shall bring them. And John's heart shall swell</p> +<p class="i4">For Harriet while he stuffs them through the slit.</p> +<p class="i36"><span class="sc">Evoe.</span></p> + </div> </div> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page168" id="page168"></a>[pg 168]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2 class="sans">OUR LITERARY ADVICE DEPARTMENT.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Candid</span> advice given to the literary +aspirant on easy terms by an old +journalist. His fame is world-wide, but +he prefers to be known as <span class="sc">The Old Nib</span>. +Anyone sending him threatening letters +will be prosecuted.</p> + +<p>Frankly, <span class="sc">Lancelot</span>, your <i>Passionate +Pangs; or, Heart Throbs of a Retired +Government Clerk</i>, will never bring you +in a large income. You say friends +have praised them highly, and you point +out that <span class="sc">Tennyson</span> had to wait years +for recognition. Well, you must do the +same. You could not have a better +precedent.</p> + +<p>You have a strong grasp of a situation, +<span class="sc">Benjamin</span>, and the scene where <i>Uncle +Henry</i> slips on the butter slide is quite +thrilling. But you must compress a +little and avoid certain faults of style. +"She hove a sigh" is wrong; and I do +not like "'Pshaw,' he <i>shouted</i>"; I do not +think it could be done. I tried myself +in my bath and swallowed a lot of +soapy water. Pray be more careful.</p> + +<p>I certainly like to hear from such an +enthusiastic reader as <span class="sc">Wigwam</span>. His +idea, of going to a fancy-dress ball +dressed in a number of old copies of +<i>Wopple's Weekly</i> is excellent and, if they +let him in, ought to be a great success. +I hope he wins the hair comb. As to +his verses I have often seen worse. +With a rhyming dictionary (for rhyming) +and an ordinary one (for spelling) +<span class="sc">Wigwam</span> should go far.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Angelina's</span> poem shows a nice domestic +feeling which I appreciate. In +these days of Suffragettes it is not every +authoress who will say—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"I like to see a familiar face</p> +<p>And I think home is a beautiful place."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>But though "mother," as she says, +is a very beautiful word it does not +rhyme with "forever." "Other," +"brother" and "smother" are the +rhymes that I always recommend.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Leonidas</span> has made a great improvement +since I had to speak to him so +severely last spring. <i>Sly Sarah</i> is +quite a clever tale, and before very long +<span class="sc">Leonidas</span> will find himself writing for +<i>Soapy Bits</i> and papers of that calibre. +Of this I am sure. His characterization +is strong, his style is redolent of +<i>bravura</i> and his general atmosphere is +<i>fortissimo</i>. The character of the archdeacon +might be improved; indeed, if +<span class="sc">Leonidas</span> is going to send it to <i>The +Diocesan Monthly</i>, I should say it must +be improved. Why should he slap +<i>Sarah's</i> face? No reason is given for +this, and it is surely a very questionable +action. Human nature may be +human nature, but archdeacons are +archdeacons. By the way there is only +one <i>l</i> in spoonful.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Henry</span> must be careful. This is the +third time he has sent me his epic. +There are limits.</p> + +<p>There is not much demand for tales +of this description, <span class="sc">Hopeful</span>. But as +you say you like writing them I do not +see who is to prevent you. If you can +get the permission of the local authorities +by all means give a reading at the +Home for the Half-Witted.</p> + +<p>I have no doubt <span class="sc">Clapham Rover</span> +means well, but he has a lot to learn. +There are no events of any kind in the +three tales he sends me. The only +thing that ever happens is that the +hero is kicked downstairs. Even then +he lies prostrate in the hall for two +days. Surely the maids might have +swept him up. <span class="sc">Clapham Rover</span> must +remember the great words of <span class="sc">Demosthenes</span> +when he swallowed a pebble on +the sea beach: "Action, action, and +again action." He was thinking of +lawyers, of course, but his words have +a lesson for us all.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Ingenuous</span> is the exact opposite of +<span class="sc">Clapham Rover</span>. I rise from his tale +an absolute wreck. "Splash, she was +in the river;" "plonk, he was on the +floor;" "whiz, a bullet shot past him." +<span class="sc">Ingenuous</span> must really go more quietly +and make a little less noise. Why not +write a few essays on some of our lesser +known female didactic writers, or some +such subjects as "People one is surprised +to hear that Dr. <span class="sc">Johnson</span> never +met?" It would do him a lot of good. +But above all he must study that +master of Quietism, the incomparable +author of <i>The Woman's Touch</i>, <i>The +Silent Preacher</i>, <i>Through a College +Key-hole</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Parsifal</span> has pained me very much. +He sent me a long poem, and after I had +given him a very detailed criticism I +discovered that he had simply copied +out a poem of <span class="sc">Wordsworth's</span> familiar +to us all from our earliest childhood. +I have lost his address, so I cannot tell +him privately what I think of him, but +it was a dirty trick.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Ciudad Rodrigo</span> (I don't know why +he calls himself that; he writes from +Balham) sends me an essay on <span class="sc">George +Borrow</span>. It follows with great fidelity +the line of established fact, never deviating +into the unknown. After reading +it I felt that I did not want to hear +any more about <span class="sc">George Borrow</span> for a +long time.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Arrière Pensée</span>, <span class="sc">Tootles</span>, <span class="sc">Pongo</span> +and <span class="sc">Hugging</span>: see answer to <span class="sc">Ciudad +Rodrigo</span>.</p> + +<p>I did an injustice to <span class="sc">Parnassian</span> in +my answer to him last week. Owing +to a misprint I was made to say that +"his poems were written" (which they +were not, but typed, and very excellently +typed too). What I meant to say was +that his poems were rotten. Sorry.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>THE MILITANT'S SONG.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Each</span> morning, vigorous and bright,</p> +<p class="i4">I sing my little song:—</p> +<p class="i2">"If I don't do the thing that's right</p> +<p class="i4">I'll do the thing that's wrong."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And if I chance to miss my aim</p> +<p class="i4">By slight miscalculation</p> +<p class="i2">I go on singing just the same</p> +<p class="i4">With equal exaltation.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">So when I light my little sticks</p> +<p class="i4">To burn up "No. 8"</p> +<p class="i2">And find I've kindled "No. 6"</p> +<p class="i4">My joy is just as great.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And when my little stones I dash</p> +<p class="i4">At windows in a hurry</p> +<p class="i2">And hear the corner lamp-post smash</p> +<p class="i4">I see no cause to worry.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And when I take my little whip</p> +<p class="i4">To punish "Mr. A."</p> +<p class="i2">And find I've made another slip</p> +<p class="i4">I giggle out, "Hurray!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And under lock and key I trill,</p> +<p class="i4">Although my cell's a strong one:—</p> +<p class="i2">"I didn't hit the right man, still</p> +<p class="i4">At least I hit the wrong one."</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>Bethnal Green and Leith.</h3> + +<p class="ind1">We are asked to say that some +of the best friends of the Government +take a grave view of the acclamations +with which the Liberal Press +has been greeting the recent "moral +victories" of the Party at the polls. +A few more of these moral victories +and the language of triumph will, they +fear, be exhausted before an actual +victory occurs.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Lord Plymouth's donation of £30,000 +completes the purchase of the Crystal Palace. +The shortage was due to Mr. Camberwell's +refusal to contribute, and also to a reduction +in Mr. Pinge's contribution by £15,000." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>Otago Daily Times.</i></p> + +<p class="ind1">On the other hand we are glad to be +in a position to say that Lord Penge, +the Hon. Mrs. Sydenham Hill and the +Dowager Lady Dulwich have behaved +most generously.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Respecting Ichthemic Guano, you can +make use of my name, as it is one of the best +fertilisers on the market." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>From a Trade Circular.</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">We should like to know what our old +friend Ichthemic Guano has to say +about this. He will not like to hear +that anybody else's name competes with +his in the fertilising market.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page169" id="page169"></a>[pg 169]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/169-1500.png"><img src="images/169-600.png" width="600" height="421" alt="THE HOLY ESTATE: AN EX-PARTE VIEW." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">THE HOLY ESTATE: AN EX-PARTE VIEW.</h3> + +<p><i>Her Ladyship.</i> "<span class="sc">So you are leaving to get married, Thompson? I must come and see your wife when you are comfortably +settled.</span>"</p> + +<p><i>The Lover.</i> "<span class="sc">Thank you, me lady. She seems a nice quiet sort of girl, and I 'ave hevery 'ope she'll make me +comfortable.</span>"</p></div> +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2 class="sans">BELLES LETTRES AND OTHERS.</h2> + +<p>Most of us have been startled to +observe how very far real life falls short +of the standard of books. The realisation +has come home to me with great +force after reading <i>whispers of Passion</i>, a +collection of love-letters by "Amorosa," +which I could not refrain from comparing +with certain authentic love-letters +(as I suppose I must call them) +which happen to be in my possession.</p> + +<p>What a contrast! What a melancholy +contrast!</p> + +<p>Here, for example, is the tender +opening of one of "Amorosa's" efforts:</p> + +<p class="block">"<span class="sc">Beloved,</span>—This morning I saw +the sun rise from behind the grey hills +that rampart our secluded vale. Slowly, +almost imperceptibly, as I watched, +the sombre robes of the Night were +irradiated and enrosed by the mysterious +fires of the Dawn. And herein, my +dear one, I seemed to grasp a deathless +symbol of the awakening of Love +between us, the first slow gilding of +our grey lives by the roseate glamour +of romance...." +</p> + +<p>And so on. Now read this, taken +from one in my own collection treating +of the same subject:—</p> + +<p class="block"> +"<span class="sc">Dear Woqgles,</span>—How <i>dare</i> you +hint that I'm lazy? As a matter of +fact I saw the sunrise only this morning, +which reminds me of a story. I daresay +you know it already. A small boy decided +to keep a diary, and the first entry he +made was: '<i>1st January—Got up at +8.15.</i>' His mater objected to this on the +ground that <i>got up</i> was too slangy. +'Look at the sun,' she said. 'The sun +doesn't <i>get up</i>; it <i>rises</i>.' The same +evening, after the boy had gone to bed, +she looked at the diary again. There +was only one other entry: '<i>Set at 9.</i>' +</p> + +<p class="block">Not much of a yarn, is it, Woggles? +But still it's good enough for you...."</p> + +<p>Or consider this beautiful conclusion:</p> + +<p class="block"> +"... Dear, I am all thine. My +soul calls to thee across the night; the +beating of my heart cries through the +darkness—Thine, thine, thine!</p> + +<p class="block">Good night, adored one, good night. +</p> + +<p class="ind4"><span class="sc">Amorosa.</span>"</p> + +<p>And contrast it with the following:—</p> + +<p class="block"> +"... And now I must dry up or I +shan't be in bed by midnight, and the +old man will lose his hair and say I'm +ruining my precious constitution. Ta +ta. Be a good infant. +</p> + +<p class="ind4">Yours, <span class="sc">Madge</span>."</p> + +<p>"Amorosa's" lover appears to have +sent her a bracelet, and must have felt +richly repaid when he received this:—</p> + +<p class="block"> +"... As I clasped the slender +circlet around my wrist I seemed to +hear a voice which said, 'This is pure +gold; let your love be pure. It is an +emblem of infinity; let your trust be +infinite. It is a pledge of fidelity; let +your faithfulness be immutable...." +</p> + +<p>But this is how Madge expresses +herself on a similar occasion:—</p> + +<p class="block"> +"... Thanks very much for the +bracelet. It seems pretty decent...." +</p> + +<p>Let me give two other extracts which +happen to treat of similar themes. +Here is the first:—</p> + +<p class="block"> +"... I heard music surging in +great waves of divine beauty from +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page170" id="page170"></a>[pg 170]</span> +Belnobbio's 'cello, and, magically, +wonderfully, it lured and compelled my +thoughts, beloved one, to you. In all +those immortal harmonies I heard your +voice; the Master's rapt features faded +into mist, and I saw instead your own +grave, strong face. Tell me, what is +this power which can so converge all +beauties to one centre?..." +</p> + +<p>And here is the second:—</p> + +<p class="block"> +"... I went to hear Kranzer +yesterday, and oh, Woggles, I tell you, +he is the edge, the very ultimate edge! +I <i>rave</i> over him day and night. I'm +madly, head-over-heels, don't-know-how-to-express-it +in love with him. +I'm going to throw you over and +follow him about all round the world, +and whenever I get the chance just lie +down and let him wipe his boots on +me. So—resign yourself to it; you'll +probably never see again, +</p> + +<p class="author1">Your fatally smitten + <span class="sc">Madge</span>."</p> + +<p>Occasionally, it is true, there occurs +in these deplorable letters just a touch +of sentiment, but how crudely, how +prosaically expressed. Immediately +after the passage quoted above, for +instance, I find this:—</p> + +<p class="block"> +"P.S.—Dear old boy, you don't mind +when I rag you, do you? Here's just +a teeny-weeny × for you. M." +</p> + +<p>How does "Amorosa" phrase such +a sentiment?</p> + +<p class="block"> +"... My lips cannot touch your +lips, but my soul seeks yours, and in +that spiritual embrace there is something +of eternity." +</p> + +<blockquote><p> + +* +* +* +* +*</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind" style="margin-top: -1em;">And yet, after all——</p> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/170-1500.png"><img src="images/170-600.png" width="600" height="409" alt="THE TATTOOER'S ART." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">THE TATTOOER'S ART.</h3> + +<p class="center"><i>Exasperated Backer.</i> "<span class="sc">'It 'im Charley; don't look at them pictures.</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>GNOMES FOR GOLFERS.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>In April when the cuckoos call</p> +<p>Glue both your optics on the ball.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>In May avoid the water-ouzel</p> +<p>Whose warning note predicts a foozle.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>In Summer when the lies are good</p> +<p>Propel it smartly with the wood.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>In August should the peacock shriek</p> +<p>Renounce the baffy for the cleek;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But if your stroke becomes too "sclaffy"</p> +<p>Give up the cleek and use the baffy.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>In Autumn when the lies are clammy</p> +<p>Replace the brassie by the "Sammy."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But when the course is dry and grassy</p> +<p>Replace the "Sammy" by the brassie.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>In Winter when the lies are slimy</p> +<p>Be up or in, or lay a stymie.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>When caddies chatter on the green</p> +<p>Rebuke them, but remain serene.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But when they hiccough on the tee</p> +<p>Pay them their regulation fee.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Whene'er you chance to top your drive</p> +<p>Before you speak count twenty-five.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But if you slice into the rough</p> +<p>Thirty will hardly be enough.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>When beaten by a single putt</p> +<p>You may ejaculate, "Tut, tut."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But if you're downed at dormy nine</p> +<p>Language affords no anodyne.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Where frequent pots the green environ</p> +<p>Take turf approaching with the iron.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>No game is lost until it's won;</p> +<p>The duffer may hole out in one.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>If down the course the pill you'd punch</p> +<p>Be careful what you eat at lunch.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>A simple cut from off the joint</p> +<p>May cure your shots to cover-point.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But lobsters, trifle and champagne</p> +<p>May even prove the plus-man's bane.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h4>The Nine St. Denys's.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"Thereupon the Labour party sang 'The +Red Flag,' the deportees joining in the chorus, +bearing their heads during the singing."</p> +</blockquote> +<p class="author1"><i>South Wales Echo.</i> +</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page171" id="page171"></a>[pg 171]</span> +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;"><a href="images/171-1140.png"><img src="images/171-350.png" width="350" height="470" alt="A DEVOTEE OF 'THE DOCTRINE.'" /></a> +A DEVOTEE OF "THE DOCTRINE."</div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page172" id="page172"></a>[pg 172]</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page173" id="page173"></a>[pg 173]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2 class="sans">ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<h4>(<span class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</span>)</h4> + +<p><i>House of Lords, Monday, February +23rd.</i>—Temporarily relieved from +thoughts of Ulster or meditations upon +Marconi, House gave itself up to bright +debate on question not less attractive +because of spice of personality. Spice +acquired additional piquancy since it +was not supposed to be there. Its +absence was indeed formally insisted +upon. "Oh no, we never mention him. +His name is never heard." All the +same, as debate went forward, names +<i>did</i> occur. Glances, furtively +shot from side to side of +House, casually rested upon +particular seats, whether +empty or occupied.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 430px;"><a href="images/173-1000.png"><img src="images/173-430.png" width="430" height="479" alt="Lord Crewe (to Lord Selborne on his way to the Debate on the Sale of Honours)." /></a> +<p><i>Lord <span class="sc">Crewe</span> (to Lord <span class="sc">Selborne</span> on his way to the Debate on the Sale +of Honours).</i> "I trust we shall have no stone-throwing."</p> + +<p><i>Lord <span class="sc">Selborne</span>.</i> "I'm entirely with you. Too much stained-glass +about, what?"</p></div> + +<p><span class="sc">Selborne</span> introduced subject +by moving Resolution +condemning principle that a +contribution to Party funds +should be a consideration to +a Minister recommending +to the Sovereign bestowal of +a titular honour. Subject +delicate one to handle. As +<span class="sc">Selborne</span> admitted, <span class="sc">Willoughby +de Broke</span> and +<span class="sc">Ribblesdale</span> in succession +concurring, it was not a +Party question. Notorious +that since the days of Lord +<span class="sc">North</span> both political parties +are tarred with same brush. +Through difficult circumstances +<span class="sc">Selborne</span> adroitly +picked his way in lively +speech. Sorely handicapped +by Resolution, the effect of +which, even with assistance +of other House, would, +as <span class="sc">Ribblesdale</span> pointed +out, be absolutely nil. "In +the end," he said, "both +Houses would be only expressing +a pious, almost a +Pharisaical opinion."</p> + +<p>This conceded, the Lords, having no +work to do, might have done much +worse than devote sitting to breezy +debate.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Willoughby de Broke</span> at his best +in his enunciation of principles upon +which, were he dispenser of honours in +the Radical camp, he would choose his +peers. Whilst taking broad view of +case on eugenic principles, he would be +inclined to make selection in favour of +childless candidates.</p> + +<p>"The sons of newly-created Radical +peers are," he shrewdly remarked, +"almost certain to be Tories, while a +Radical grandson of a Radical peer is +a phenomenon never seen."</p> + +<p>Incidentally the bold Baron took +occasion to remark that his own title +was conferred upon an ancestor in +reward for active part taken in placing +the Tudor dynasty on the throne. +Some noble lords, whose patent to +peerage is of rather more recent date, +whilst agreeing generally with his +views, thought this remark superfluous. +Why drag in the Tudors?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Willoughby's</span> graphic account of an +interview with the agent of a moneyed +applicant for honours was capped by +<span class="sc">Ribblesdale</span>, who confided to listening +Senate particulars of occasions when, as +a Whip he had from time to time been +"approached."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Milner</span>, shocked by what he regarded +as frivolity, proposed to treat +the subject "with a slight approach to +seriousness." Proposal cast a blight +over proceedings which were hurried to +conclusion.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—<span class="sc">Selborne's</span> Resolution +agreed to with verbal amendment.</p> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Tuesday.</i>—Resemblance +of House of Commons to +the sea never more strikingly illustrated +than at to-night's sitting. For five +hours and a half deadliest calm reigned. +Benches less than half full. Questions +droned through appointed period. +House got into Committee of Supply +on Civil Service estimates. Votes for +Colonial Service offered occasion for +debate on Camel Corps disaster in +Somaliland last August. <span class="sc">Lulu</span> defended +in detail the policy and action +of his department. At half-past eight, +talk still dragging slow length along, he +moved closure. Division on proposal +to reduce the estimate, equivalent to +vote of censure, ran Government +majority up to 125.</p> + +<p>Suddenly scene changed. It was the +mid-dinner hour, period at which House +is as a rule dismally empty. The four-hundred-and-seventy +Members who had +taken part in the division, instead of +fleeing in accordance with custom as if +fire had broken out, made for their +seats, whence rose the buzz +of excited talk that presages +a tempest.</p> + +<p>The miracle was worked +by Ulster. <span class="sc">Falle</span>, having +by favour of fortune at +ballot-box secured portion +of sitting as Private Member's +property, moved Resolution +calling upon <span class="sc">Prime +Minister</span>, forthwith to submit +to House his proposals +for alteration of Government +of Ireland Bill. Opposition +mustered in support. +Ministerialists whipped up +to last man. When, following +mover and seconder of +Resolution, <span class="sc">Premier</span> appeared +at the table he was +welcomed by shout of exultant +cheering. Significant +contrast with his reception +when, a fortnight earlier, he +stood in same place and +seemed inclined to dally +with proposal for exclusion +of Ulster. Instinctively, or +through whispered information, +Ministerialists knew +he was now, as they put it, +"going straight."</p> + +<p>Their most sanguine expectation +justified. <span class="sc">Premier</span> +in fine fighting form.</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen opposite," he scornfully +said, "seem to think we here can be +likened to a beleaguered garrison, driven +by the stress of warfare into an untenable +position with failing supplies, with +exhausted ammunition, with shaken +nerves, and that it is for them, the +minority of this House, to dictate the +terms of capitulation that are to determine +whether we are to be allowed to +surrender with or without the honours +of war."</p> + +<p>That sufficed to indicate his position. +Whilst disclosure increased enthusiasm +on Ministerial side it correspondingly +inflamed passion on benches opposite.</p> + +<p>There was an anxious moment when +fisticuffs seemed imminent across the +table in close proximity to shocked +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page174" id="page174"></a>[pg 174]</span> +Mace. <span class="sc">Carson</span> making interruption +(one of a continuous series), <span class="sc">Premier</span> +thought it was <span class="sc">Walter Long</span>, and +severely enjoined him to restrain himself. +<span class="sc">Long</span> hotly retorted that he had +not spoken. Angry cheers and counter-cheers +resounded in opposing camps. +<span class="sc">Premier</span>, accepting assurance of his +mistake, apologised. Fisticuffs postponed.</p> + +<p>Warned by experience, <span class="sc">Premier</span> took +no notice when <span class="sc">Moore of Armagh</span> +shouted, "Why do you funk a General +Election?" or when later he received +from same source disclaimer of +belief in his sincerity; or when +another Ulster Member characterised +forceful passage in his +speech as "Tomfoolery."</p> + +<p>Fresh roar of cheering broke +over excited host of Ministerialists +when by way of last word <span class="sc">Premier</span> +declared, "We are not going at +the eleventh hour to betray a +great cause."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Proverbially +swift descent from sublime to +ridiculous. Demand of Opposition +for instant disclosure of +Ministerial plan altering Home +Rule Bill met by Amendment +from Liberal side declaring confidence +in Government. This +carried by majority of 73. When +put as substantial Resolution +eleven o'clock had struck. No +opposed business may be taken +after that hour. House accordingly +forthwith adjourned. Record +of night's business in Journals of +House prepared for perusal of +posterity is comprehended in word +"That——"</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—House puzzled by +question on Paper standing in +name of <span class="sc">H. P. Croft</span>. Member +for Christchurch desires "to ask +the Secretary of State for the +Colonies whether he has received +petitions in favour of immediate +legislation dealing with imported +plumage through all or any of the +Prime Ministers of the States of +Australia."</p> + +<p>How, why and under what circumstances +plumage should be "imported +through" Prime Ministers of the +Australian Commonwealth no one can +guess. Generally agreed that, if such +painful procedure actually be the +Colonial custom, prohibitive legislation +cannot be too soon undertaken.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Sydney Holland</span>, for many years +the prop and stay of the London +Hospital, has taken his seat in the +House of Lords on accession to the +Viscountcy of Knutsford. Apart from +hereditary claim, he is the ideal type of +the class of peer whom reformers on +both sides look to for restoration of +the prestige and usefulness of the +Upper Chamber. Nevertheless it is +hoped he will not give up to Westminster +what was meant for mankind—the +splendid devotion of capacity +and energy to the service of the sick +poor of London.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—In Committee on +Supplementary Estimates.</p> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h4>The New Matrimonial Insurance.</h4> + +<h4>"HUSBAND INSURED AWAY."</h4> + +<p class="author1">"<i>Daily Mail" Heading.</i></p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 320px;"><a href="images/174-800.png"><img src="images/174-320.png" width="320" height="470" alt="Gentlemen opposite seem to think we here can be likened to a beleaguered garrison,..." /></a> +<p>"Gentlemen opposite seem to think we here can be +likened to a <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'beleagured'">beleaguered</ins> garrison, driven by the stress of +warfare into an untenable position."—<i>Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> in the +debate on Mr. <span class="sc">Falle's</span> resolution.</i></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h4>The Land Campaign once more.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"Large Foot Path, very strong, reduced to +6s. 11d., less than half-price." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"> <i>Advt. in "The Accrington Observer.</i>"</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Are we not having just a little too much +London? A glance over our rapidly growing +fixture list suggests that the predominance of +the great Metrolopis in matters of golfing is +becoming rather too pronounced."—<i>Golfing.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">It's not fair to the privonces.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Members of the Chicago Bachelor Girls' +Club, who number sixty at present, say they +must receive affirmative answers to this list of +questions before they will marry:</p> + +<p> ... Have you bad habits, such as drinking +or smoking to excess?..."—<i>Daily Mirror.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">"The answer is in the affirmative."</p> + +<p class="ind2">"Then I am yours."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>A SIGN OF DECAY.</h3> + +<p class="center1">(<i>A bull recently got into a china shop, +but was coaxed out before any damage +was done.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2"><span class="sc">We</span> cut but a decadent figure;</p> +<p class="i4">Our virtues grow sickly and pale;</p> +<p class="i2">Our forefathers' valour and vigour</p> +<p class="i4">Live only in poem and tale;</p> +<p class="i2">Our thews are beginning to soften;</p> +<p class="i4">No more are we sturdy and hard;</p> +<p class="i2">These facts have been often and often</p> +<p class="i4">Explained to the bard.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">But still to despondent repining</p> +<p class="i4">He never consented to yield;</p> +<p class="i2">For comfort amid our declining</p> +<p class="i4">He looked to the beasts of the field;</p> +<p class="i2">Though others grew haggard with grief, he</p> +<p class="i4">Maintained a refusal to quake</p> +<p class="i2">So long as our bulls remained beefy</p> +<p class="i4">And a steak <i>was</i> a steak.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">But now there <i>is</i> cause to repine, a</p> +<p class="i4">Dread portent of what to expect:</p> +<p class="i2">A bull has got <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'lose'">loose</ins> in the china</p> +<p class="i4">And nothing, no, nothing's been wrecked.</p> +<p class="i2">Where fragments were wont to be scattered</p> +<p class="i4">Like forest leaves under a gale</p> +<p class="i2">Not even a saucer was shattered</p> +<p class="i4">By a flick of the tail.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Oh, say, can this care for the teacup</p> +<p class="i4">Proclaim that the common decay</p> +<p class="i2">Is busting the bovine physique up</p> +<p class="i4">And hasting the horrible day</p> +<p class="i2">When the bard, too, must take up the story</p> +<p class="i4">That the halo of England grows dim,</p> +<p class="i2">Since the beef, whence she gathered her glory,</p> +<p class="i4">Is void of its vim?</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h4>Honours Easy.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"£25 Reward. Lost, either at Folkestone +Harbour or from a Pullman Car, a Gentleman's +Fur Coat, lined with minx." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>Morning Post.</i></p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Miss Trenerry, wearing a coat of rose +charmeuse, with white fur collar, and several +gentlemen."—<i>Express and Echo (Exeter).</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Young Man requires board and lodging in +Carshalton; hot and cold bath preferred." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>The Herald (Sutton).</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">He can't have it both ways at once.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"At the Gare de Lyon this afternoon Rolland +was welcomed by General de Castelnau, +who embraced him and took his arm to the +buffet of the station, where a reception was +held."—<i>Daily Telegraph.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">General <span class="sc">de Castelnau</span>. "<i>Donnez-le un +nom.</i>"</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page175" id="page175"></a>[pg 175]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/175-1000.png"><img src="images/175-400.png" width="400" height="457" alt="Tommy (his first visit to Madame Tussaud's). 'Mummy, can't that man talk either?'" /></a> +<p><i>Tommy (his first visit to Madame Tussaud's).</i> "<span class="sc">Mummy, can't that man talk either?</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2 class="sans">THE TELEPHONE AGAIN.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Ting-a-ling.</span></p> + +<p><i>Patient Subscriber.</i> Hullo.</p> + +<p><i>Gruff Voice.</i> Are you Bond and +Lapel?</p> + +<p><i>Patient Subscriber.</i> I'm afraid +you've got the wrong number. We're +Gerrard 932041. The Society for the +Prevention of Wet Feet amongst the +Genteel Poor.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + +* +* +* +* +*</p></blockquote> + +<p>Ting-a-ling.</p> + +<p><i>Same Patient Subscriber.</i> Hullo.</p> + +<p><i>Same Gruff Voice.</i> Bond and Lapel?</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> No, they've given you the +wrong number again. We're Gerrard +932041. Ring off, please.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + +* +* +* +* +*</p></blockquote> + +<p>Ting-a-ling.</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Hullo.</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> Bond and Lapel? I'm +Major——</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> My dear Sir, will you believe +me that we're <i>not</i> Bond and Lapel? +We're Gerrard 9-3-2-0-4-1. Don't let +me have to speak to you again, there's +a good fellow.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + +* +* +* +* +*</p></blockquote> + +<p>Ting-a-ling.</p> + +<p><i>Exchange.</i> You're thr-r-r-rough.</p> + +<table align="left" summary="Hullo" border="0"> +<tr> + <td class="left1"><i>S. G. V.</i><br /> + <i>S. P. S.</i></td> + <td class="bigbrace">}</td> + <td class="left1" valign="middle">Hullo.</td> +</tr> +</table> +<br /><br /><br /><br clear="all" /> +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> Bond and Lapel, dammit! +I want——Don't you "tut" me, Sir. +<span class="sc">I tell you you are.</span></p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Oh, all right. Well, what +can I do for you?</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> <span class="sc">Eh?</span></p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> I said, What can I do for +you?</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> I'm Major Smith. I want +you to make me——</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Marjorie who? Speak up, +please.</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> <span class="sc">Major, M-a-j-o-r, Major. +Major Smith. Can you hear that? +I want you to make me a blue +serge suit by to-morrow week.</span></p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> A little louder.... That's +better. If you'll wait a moment I'll +just jot down your measurements.</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> Measurements! What +the——! I'm Major Smith.</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Hold the line a moment and +I'll see if we have them. Are you +holding on?... Hullo. Major Smith, +you said? Sorry, but the fact is we've +got two Major Smiths on our books. +Would you kindly tell me which one +you are?</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> I'm Major—Smith—of—3—Mecklington—Gardens—Kensington.</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Oh, yes. Close to the Oval.</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> <span class="sc">Kens-s-sington!</span></p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Oh, Kensington with an "s." +Yes. I know. Well now, how would +you like it made? Will you have the +trousers to match? We're doing a +very smart line in buff canary trouserings, +just——</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> I said <span class="sc">A BLUE SERGE SUIT</span>, +Sir!</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Sorry. I was thinking of +the other Major Smith. Then we'll +say trousers to match. Yes, I've got +that. Do you wear them turned up or +down? Down. Trousers turned down +and sleeves turned up. No, both down. +Yes. Now what about box pleats? +Shall we say box pleats?</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> Don't you put any of your +new-fangled dodges on <i>my</i> clothes, +young man, because I won't have it.</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> <i>No</i> box pleats. I'll make a +special note of it. Then to-morrow +fortnight without fail.</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> To-morrow <span class="sc">WEEK</span>. And if +you don't send that dress suit of mine +by six to-night——</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Dress suit? Dress suit? +What dress suit? This is the first +I've heard of any dress suit.</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> <span class="sc">What?</span></p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> It can't be done, old chap. +You'll have to borrow one for to-night.</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> Y-y-you insolent p-puppy. +P-put me through to the manager. <span class="sc">At</span> +once.</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Thanks so much. Then I'll +put you down for a subscription. The +Society for the Prevention of Wet Feet +amongst the Genteel Poor, you know.</p> + +<p><i>S. G. V.</i> ——! ——! ——! (Biff +... bang ... ting-a-ling ... buz-z-z-z-z-z.)</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Exchange.</p> + +<p><i>Exchange.</i> Number, please.</p> + +<p><i>S. P. S.</i> Put me through to the +Repairs Department.... Oh, Repairs +Department. I'm ringing up on behalf +of Major Smith, of 3, Mecklington +Gardens, Kensington. Send someone +round at once, please. His telephone +has burst.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h4><span class="sc">"St. Paul's.</span></h4> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">£70,000 wanted for the Fabric."</span> +</p> + +<p class="author1"><i>Standard.</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">Another chance for Mr. <span class="sc">Mallaby-Deeley</span>.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page176" id="page176"></a>[pg 176]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2 class="sans">THE WEDDING PRESENT.</h2> + +<p>"At last," I said, putting down my newspaper, "there +is hope for England. Here is a man who announces his +approaching marriage and hopes that wedding presents will +not be sent."</p> + +<p>"Pooh," said the lady of the house.</p> + +<p>"Why," said I, "do you say 'pooh'?"</p> + +<p>"Because," she said, "it's not a bit of good hoping for +anything of, the sort. You might just as well abolish +weddings at once. People won't go to one unless they +have a chance of seeing their own present and admiring it +so much that the detective begins to suspect them."</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said, "isn't the detective splendid? Nobody +ever fails to spot him, and yet there he is every time, firmly +convinced that everybody takes him for the bridegroom's +uncle or the bride's godfather by a former marriage, or +something of that sort. I really do feel I couldn't do without +the detective."</p> + +<p>"There you are," she said. "You can't have the detective +without the presents."</p> + +<p>"Very well," I said, "we'll let presents go on a bit +longer and chance it."</p> + +<p>"And don't you forget," she said firmly, "that you've +got to choose a present for George Henderson to-day."</p> + +<p>"George Henderson?" I said dreamily. "Do you think +George Henderson <i>wants</i> a present? Isn't he the sort +which 'hopes that wedding presents will not be sent'? +I've always felt he had a look in his eye which said, 'Dear +old chap, I shall be married some day.—Whatever you do, +don't send me a present.' Haven't you felt that about +him, too?"</p> + +<p>"No," she said, "I haven't. In fact George has always +seemed to me the very man for a present. And now he's +going to be married. It's the chance of a lifetime."</p> + +<p>"Well, then," I said, "if you feel like that <i>you</i> ought to +buy the present. You'll do it better. You'll put more +real feeling into it."</p> + +<p>"That may be," she said, "but you 're going to London, +and I'm not. You'll have to do it this time."</p> + +<p>"Oh, very well," I said; "have it your own way; but I +warn you I shall buy silver candlesticks."</p> + +<p>The two elder girls, who had been listening with eager +interest, now broke in.</p> + +<p>"Dad," said Helen to Rosie, "is going to try for his old +candlesticks."</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Rosie; "but you'll see he won't be allowed."</p> + +<p>"Cease, babblers," I said. "In earlier and less conjugal +days no wedding was considered complete without my +silver candlesticks. It was all so simple, too. I called at +Gillingham's, wrote out a card, gave an address, and away +went the present. And what's more, they all wrote back +and said it was the one thing they had been longing for."</p> + +<p>"Oh," said the lady of the house, "they'll write like +that about anything. At any rate, we won't have candlesticks. +They're quite useless now, you know. Nobody +has candles."</p> + +<p>"And that," I said, "is what makes candlesticks so +valuable. There's nothing base and utilitarian about them. +They are appreciated for their beauty, and there's an end +of them. Do, do let me buy a pair for George Henderson."</p> + +<p>"No," she said; "the whole of the rest of the silversmith's +art is open to you, but we will <i>not</i> have candlesticks."</p> + +<p>"I told you so," said Rosie to Helen.</p> + +<p>In the afternoon, accordingly, I wandered into the establishment +of Messrs. Gillingham, jewellers, goldsmiths and +silversmiths, and heaven knows what besides. For a few +moments I steeped myself in the glittering magnificence of +the objects displayed around me. Then a polite and very +well-dressed young man—not my usual one, but a stranger—spoke +to me.</p> + +<p>"Are you being attended to, Sir?" he said.</p> + +<p>"No," I said, "not yet. I'm not quite ready for it. +Still, I may as well begin."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sir."</p> + +<p>"What," I said, pointing to a diamond tiara, "is the +price of that?"</p> + +<p>Two ladies who were making a purchase turned round +and gazed at me with an awe-struck but approving look. +The young man was evidently much impressed.</p> + +<p>"That," he said, "is one of our newest designs. The +stones are all specially selected. The price"—he studied +the little tag attached to it—"the price is £1,050; very +cheap for the value."</p> + +<p>"It is," I said, "wonderfully cheap. I can't think how +you manage to do it. I will think about it. In the +meantime I should like to see something smaller and not +quite so valuable."</p> + +<p>"Is it a wedding present, Sir?"</p> + +<p>"Don't," I said, "let us call it a wedding present just +yet." If we do it's sure to turn out a sugar-sifter. Let's +think of it as a mere gift."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sir."</p> + +<p>"Of course we may find that the man to whom we're +going to give it is about to be married, but that will be +only the long arm, won't it?"</p> + +<p>"The—I beg your pardon, Sir;"</p> + +<p>"A coincidence, you know; and we're not the men to +be put off by coincidences, are we?"</p> + +<p>"No, Sir. Would you like to see the manager, Sir?"</p> + +<p>"No," I said, "the manager would only confuse me. +Show me some silver inkstands and some sugar-jugs—I +mean some claret-sifters—that is, some silver decanters, +you know, and some silver fruit-baskets."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sir." He went away and returned with an inkstand.</p> + +<p>"This," he said, "is a very favourite pattern. It combines +a large inkpot and a match-stand and a rack for the +pens——"</p> + +<p>"I know," I said; "they never stay in it."</p> + +<p>"No, Sir. And there's a little candlestick for sealing-wax——"</p> + +<p>"I'll have it," I said feverishly. "Put it aside for me +at once. This is really a most remarkable piece of luck."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sir. Anything else?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said. "I'll have a sugar-sifter, too. Any +sugar-sifter will do. I'm only doing it as a concession."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sir. Where shall I send them?"</p> + +<p>I gave the address with great gusto, and when I reported +the result of my labours at home I said nothing about the +little candlestick. The mere joy of having bought it was +enough for me. Thus George Henderson received from us +his fifth inkstand and his seventh sugar-sifter. He wrote +and said that they were the two things he had most been +wishing for.</p> + +<p class="author">R. C. L.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"He looked at her with infinite gentleness. 'I know all about it,' +he said.</p> + +<p>She covered her face with her hands and cried brokenly. But, +coming closer, he put both hands on her shoulders, and lifted her +tea-stained face to his."—<i>Tasmanian Courier Annual.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">Tea merchants are invited to compete for the advertisement.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Hodgkins, however; drew ahead, and finally won as stated, the +scores being: Hodgkins, 400; Sunderland, 367. The winner's best +breaks were 24 and 17 (twice), and the doser's 32, 25, and 20." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>Sporting Life.</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">He should have made the dose stronger.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page177" id="page177"></a>[pg 177]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/177-1500.png"><img src="images/177-600.png" width="600" height="427" alt="Dog Pincher (to possible purchaser). 'I wouldn't sell 'im for fifty quid, only they don't allow no dawgs in our flats....'" /></a> +<p><i>Dog Pincher (to possible purchaser).</i> "<span class="sc">I wouldn't sell 'im for fifty quid, only they don't allow no dawgs in our flats +at Mallaby Mansions.</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>FARES.</h2> + +<p>"Is that you, Herbert?" I said in +surprise.</p> + +<p>It was.</p> + +<p>Strange how machinery can influence +a man. The last time I had seen +Herbert he was a rubicund cheerful +gardener. He was now a London taxi-driver, +with all the signs of that +mystery on him: the shabbiness, the +weariness, the disdain.</p> + +<p>"Are you glad you gave up gardening?" +I asked him.</p> + +<p>"Can't say I am now," he replied. +"There's more money in this, but the +work's too hard. I miss my sleep, +too."</p> + +<p>"You can always go back," I said.</p> + +<p>"I wonder," he replied. "I'd like +to. This being at every one's beck and +call who happens to have a shilling is +what I'm tired of."</p> + +<p>"What about tips?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"I get plenty of them," he said. +"In fact, if the clock registers tenpence +or one and fourpence or one and tenpence +I practically always get the odd +twopence. That's all right. It's the +people who don't want to tip but +daren't not do it that I can't stand. +And there are such lots of them. +That's what makes taxi-drivers look so +contemptuous like—the tips. People +think we want the tips; but there's +a time when we'd rather go without +them than get them like that."</p> + +<p>I sympathised with him.</p> + +<p>"Then there are the fares who always +know a quicker way than we do. +They're terrors. They keep on tapping +on the glass to direct us, when we know +all about it all the time. It's them +that leads to some of the accidents, +because they take your eyes off the +road."</p> + +<p>I sympathised again and made some +mental notes for future behaviour +myself.</p> + +<p>"But the pedestrians are the worst," +he continued.</p> + +<p>"The pedestrians?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, the people who walk across +the road without giving a thought to +the fact that there might be a vehicle +coming. The people that never learn. +The people that call you names or +make faces at you after you've saved +their silly lives by blowing the hooter +at them. Every minute of the day one +is having trouble with them, and it gets +on one's nerves. It's them that makes +a taxi-driver look old sooner than a +woman."</p> + +<p>"So you'll go back to the land?" +I said.</p> + +<p>"I don't know," he said. "I'd like +to, but petrol gets into the blood, you +know."</p> + +<p class="ind">I suppose it does.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Dr. Grenfell remarked that the tourist +traffic [to Labrador] was beginning to grow. +Life in winter was very attractive, and was +enjoyed as people enjoyed winter in Norway. +One of his few personal reminiscences was +how he fell through the ice and expected to +be frozen to death."—<i>Manchester Guardian.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">Us for Labrador, every time.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind2">Paragraph in a petition addressed to +a Government official by a Baboo +who wished to protest against the conduct +of another Baboo:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"His hatred of me is so much that in the +heat of his animosity he wilfully omitted to +put in the formal ephithet 'Mr.' to my name, +which no man of honour would drop because +not so much for disregarding me, but that he +would be doing injustice to the European +etiquette." +</p></blockquote> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page178" id="page178"></a>[pg 178]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2 class="sans">AT THE PLAY.</h2> + +<h4>"<span class="sc">The Land of Promise.</span>"</h4> + +<p>"<span class="sc">I'm</span> about fed up with God's Own +Country," says the waster in the play, +a youth who, after exchanging a safe +thousand a year at Bridge for the dangerous +delights of "Chemin-de-fer," had +been invited by a stern sire to migrate +to Canada. And even so he had not +been present during the Third Act to +see the things that we saw, or he +would have learnt some more discouraging +facts which are never mentioned +in the philosophy of the emigration-agents; +for example, that the +solitude and wide spaces of the Golden +West seem to induce, even in the honest +native worker, a reversion to the state +of a dragon of the prime. But he had +already seen, in the case of <i>Norah +Marsh</i>, whom poverty had driven to +seek the shelter of her brother's roof +on a Manitoba farm, how the drudgery +and petty jealousies of a narrow Colonial +<i>ménage</i>, the familiar society of hired +hands, and the lack of life's common +amenities, had developed a gently-bred +Englishwoman into a sour-tongued +shrew.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;"><a href="images/178-600.png"><img src="images/178-300.png" width="300" height="379" alt="Extract from 'The Prentice' (Manitoba)" /></a> +<p><i>Extract from "The Prentice (Manitoba) +Post"</i>:—"The wedding was quite an impromptu +affair, the happy pair going straight +to Mr. Taylor's shack, where they are spending +the honeymoon quietly."</p> + +<p class="ind"><i>Norah</i> Miss <span class="sc">Irene Vanbrugh</span>.</p> + +<p class="ind"><i>Frank Taylor</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Godfrey Tearle</span>. +</p></div> + +<p>Worse was to follow when, as a +sole escape from the bitter spite of +her plebeian hostess, she consented to +marry a barbarian who was looking for +a woman-of-all-work to manage his +primitive shack. Here, having already +mislaid her feminine charm, she loses all +sense of honesty. First, when ordered +to do her household duties—which +were of the essence of the contract—she +declines to obey till he uses brute +force; and then, when he demands +of her the attitude of a wife (a very +embarrassing scene), she protests that +this was no part of the bargain.</p> + +<p>I can't imagine what she supposed +the bargain was about, if it didn't +require her to be either wife or servant.</p> + +<p>Terrorism was the man's simple solution; +but those who looked, in the last +Act, for a tamed and adoring shrew were +to be disappointed. Brute force had +only produced a patient obedience; and +it was not till a damaged crop had +brought them to the edge of ruin that +she consented to become his ministering +angel. But by that time we knew +too well her distaste for Manitoban +methods to believe in the sincerity of +this sudden conversion.</p> + +<p>Altogether, after what Mr. <span class="sc">Maugham</span> +has done to my illusions, I have given +up any thought of going to God's Own +Country in search of a larger existence.</p> + +<p>The acting was perhaps better than +the play, though the play was good up +to a point. The Second Act, with its +fierce jealousy and wrangling and the +futile efforts of the farmer (admirably +played by Mr. <span class="sc">C. V. France</span>) to intervene +between wife and sister, was +excellent. For the rest, it was the +personality of Mr. <span class="sc">Godfrey Tearle</span>, +as the savage mate of the shrew, that +dominated the scene. There is no +better rough diamond (and he was +really very rough) in the whole stock +of stage-jewellery. Miss <span class="sc">Irene Vanbrugh</span>, +though no actress could have +done more with her part, had less +chance than usual of showing her +particular gift of <i>finesse</i>; and <i>Norah's</i> +character was too inconsistent to +command our sympathy. Not that +we necessarily gave it to the man. Indeed +it was a flaw in the play that our +sympathies were never thoroughly engaged +by either party. We were, of +course, prepared to range ourselves on +the winning side, but there was no +victory. The issue was decided by <i>force +majeure</i> in the shape of a wretched +weed that destroyed the crop.</p> + +<p>The situations, though of a rather +strenuous order, gave occasion from +time to time for humorous relief. At +first, when the English servant in the +opening Act rudely interposed with a +facetious comment on the sincerity of +the grief of certain mourners, I feared +lest the humour was going to be distributed +loosely without regard to the +propriety of its mouthpiece. But the +rest was reasonable enough; and my +only complaint about the best repartee +("There's no place like home." "Some +people are glad there isn't") has to do +with its antiquity rather than with its +appropriateness.</p> + +<p>I have never been to Manitoba (and, +after seeing <i>The Land of Promise</i>, I am +definitely resolved, as I said, never +to go), so I cannot say whether Mr. +<span class="sc">Maugham's</span> interiors corresponded to +the facts; but their freedom from any +signs of picturesqueness gave them +an air of being the right thing. Life +in these parts no doubt revolves largely +round the simple joys of the stomach. +Seldom have I seen so much eating on +the stage. We began at Tunbridge +Wells with a funeral tea (though perhaps +I ought to pass this over as +taking place outside the Dominion); +then as soon as we get to Dyer (Manitoba) +we had a mid-day dinner, with +washing-up; and then at Prentice +(Manitoba) we were regaled with a +supper of black tea and syrup.</p> + +<p>I am confident that there is a great +opening for drama dealing solely with +Life Between Meals. To see people +smoking on the stage is sufficiently +irritating; but, when you are assisting +at a First Night after a sketchy repast +from the grill, all this feeding on the +stage, however frugal the menu, makes +for exasperation.</p> + +<p>Finally I must compliment Mr. +<span class="sc">Maugham</span> on his ironical title. For +his play, too, is a thing "of promise" +rather than achievement, if it is to be +judged by the test of the Last Act. +Still, if a play only promises well +enough and long enough—as this play +did—that is an achievement in itself.</p> + +<p class="author">O. S.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>THE TORTOISESHELL CAT.</h3> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i6"><span class="sc">The</span> tortoiseshell cat</p> +<p class="i6">She sits on the mat,</p> +<p class="i2">As gay as a sunflower she;</p> +<p class="i4">In orange and black you see her blink,</p> +<p class="i4">And her waistcoat's white, and her nose is pink,</p> +<p class="i2">And her eyes are green of the sea.</p> +<p class="i4">But all is vanity, all the way;</p> +<p class="i4">Twilight's coming and close of day,</p> +<p class="i4">And every cat in the twilight's grey,</p> +<p class="i6">Every possible cat.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i6">The tortoiseshell cat</p> +<p class="i6">She is smooth and fat,</p> +<p class="i2">And we call her Josephine,</p> +<p class="i4">Because she weareth upon her back</p> +<p class="i4">This coat of colours, this raven black,</p> +<p class="i2">This red of the tangerine.</p> +<p class="i4">But all is vanity, all the way;</p> +<p class="i4">Twilight follows the brightest day,</p> +<p class="i4">And every cat in the twilight's grey,</p> +<p class="i6">Every possible cat.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h4>The Thrusters.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"The Ball given by the Ministry of Communications +last night in the new Waichiaopu +Building was a great success in every way. +Although only 1,500 invitations were sent out, +more than that number of guests attended the +Ball."—<i>Peking Daily News.</i> +</p></blockquote> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page179" id="page179"></a>[pg 179]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 750px;"><a href="images/179-1500.png"><img src="images/179-600.png" width="600" height="472" alt="In the almost certain prospect of a stormy Session, why not adopt the 'Terrace' system as now used at the Zoo?" /></a> +<p><span class="sc">In the almost certain prospect of a stormy Session, why not adopt the "Terrace" system as now used at the Zoo?</span></p></div> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2 class="sans">OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + +<p>I think I could best convey my impression of Miss +<span class="sc">Ethel Sidgwick's</span> work by quoting the advertisement of +a popular magazine which used to proclaim that "these +stories are different." All of Miss <span class="sc">Sidgwick's</span> are this, +though you might possibly be hard put to it to say exactly +how. It is chiefly an affair of style; there is about all of +them a certain dignity of utterance that combines with +their humanity to produce an effect wholly individual and +rare. Take her latest example, <i>A Lady of Leisure</i> (<span class="sc">Sidgwick +and Jackson</span>). There is really very little to arrest +attention in the story itself; the characters are persons +whom you could meet every day, but in Miss <span class="sc">Sidgwick's</span> +hands they become creatures of extraordinary fascination. +The result is a novel by no means easy to criticise; partly +because one is left with the feeling (of course the most +subtle compliment to any author) that the characters have +fashioned it themselves. Time and again one seems to +observe Miss <span class="sc">Sidgwick</span> working towards some inevitable +<i>scène-à-faire</i>, when bounce! off go her people on an entirely +unexpected tack, which you must yet admit to be the +very one they quite obviously would follow. Never was a +cast so incalculably alive. Naturally for this reason its +vagaries (they are almost all in love and generally with the +wrong person) would take too long to recount in detail. I +can only state my personal preference for the group that +consists of the heroine, <i>Violet Ashwin</i>, her father, the +fashionable physician, and her brainless but quite wonderful +mother. I plump for the <i>Ashwin</i> household in short as a +really brilliant contribution to the homes in modern fiction. +I don't say you will find their charm easy of assimilation. +The society of such clever and elusive folk as <i>Violet</i> and +her father is bound to be hard going at first for the +general. But <i>Mrs. Ashwin</i>—oh, she is a joy, a marvel, +an exasperation! You will delight to read about her.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p>The first thing I have to say about <i>Initiation</i> (<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>) +is that it might have been written by Dr. <span class="sc">Clifford</span>. +The nice people in it are all Roman Catholics, but a group +of Huguenots or of Calvinistic Methodists would have +served the author's purpose equally well. For <span class="sc">Robert +Hugh Benson</span>, the novelist, has (so to speak) told +Monsignor <span class="sc">Benson</span>, the priest, to mind his own business, +and leave him to his, which is the telling of a story, and +not the advocacy of any particular form of religion. The +second point to notice in the book is that it divides its +characters, and incidentally all characters, into those who +are initiated and those who are not. The initiated are +those who have learnt, chiefly by suffering, the lesson of +life, which is that it treats us as it likes. Because they +have learnt it, they trust, even when they do not understand, +the purpose of the life-giver; because they trust +they do not kick against the pricks. The young Catholic +English gentleman, of whose initiation the story tells, +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page180" id="page180"></a>[pg 180]</span> +suffers prodigiously under two of the greatest misfortunes, +physical and mental, that a man may endure and live. And +yet, when he comes to die, you feel, and he knows, that +they are not misfortunes, but the opening up of the way +of life. The chief cause of his mental suffering, a young +girl of eighteen or nineteen, is described (well on in +the book) as a practically insane egoist. She is, to my +mind, the weak spot in the story. Frankly I don't believe +in her. A girl of her age could not have been so selfishly +cruel, and yet have taken in her world as she did. I +will own that she took me in at first; but that was the +author's fault. He ought not to have let me, as his +reader, think her charming and particularly sympathetic +when he knew all the time that she cared for no one but +herself. I don't think that is playing the game. All the I +same, I like his book.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p>Having read Mr. <span class="sc">Reginald Blunt's</span> book, <i>In Cheyne +Walk and Thereabout</i> (<span class="sc">Mills and Boon</span>), I am now prepared +to pass an examination in the history and the +worthies (or unworthies) of Chelsea. I know that <span class="sc">Don +Saltero</span> was no +Spaniard, but an ardent +collector of childish curiosities +who for a time +kept a coffee-house and +a smoking club of which +"the ornaments and apparatus" +were eventually +offered to <span class="sc">Charles Lamb</span>. +If I am asked about Dr. +<span class="sc">Messenger Monsey</span> I +shall say that he "tried +hard, but with indifferent +success, to popularise his +own method of extracting +teeth by tying one end of +a piece of catgut to the +offending molar and the +other to a perforated +bullet, putting the latter +with a full charge of powder +into a revolver and +then pulling the trigger." +Then again there is <span class="sc">Bartholomew Joseph Alexander de +Dominiceti</span>, Lord <span class="sc">de Cete et de cortesi</span>, Knight of the +Holy Boman Empire and Noble of Venice in terra firma. +How did he with his resounding name come to be in Chelsea +and there establish "baths, fumigatory stoves and sweating +chambers" for the relief of distressed humanity? This question +and a hundred others of a similar nature you will find +answered in Mr. <span class="sc">Blunt's</span> delightful book. Let Mr. <span class="sc">Blunt</span> +take you by the hand and guide you through his beloved +Chelsea. He is the most urbane and the most agreeably +gossiping companion. He will re-introduce you to Sir +<span class="sc">Thomas More</span>, Sir <span class="sc">Hans Sloane</span>; to <span class="sc">Neild</span>, the prison-reformer, +and his son <span class="sc">John</span>, the famous miser; to the +<span class="sc">Carlyles</span> and their servant <span class="sc">Jessie Heddlestone</span>, and a +host of others. And he will remind you that Dr. <span class="sc">Johnson</span> +endeavoured to manufacture Chelsea china, and that his +<i>chefs d'œuvre</i> always collapsed in the firing. Take my +advice and acquire Mr. <span class="sc">Blunt's</span> book.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p>I suspect that <i>Mr. Simpson</i>, who gives his name to the +story <i>Simpson</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>), can hardly have shared my own +exhausting acquaintance with modern fiction, otherwise it +is unlikely that he would have behaved as he did. What +happened was this. <i>Simpson</i>, though on the wrong side of +forty, well off and eminently lovable, was unmarried. Finding +a charming old house in the country, he conceives the +idea of renting it as a kind of bachelor residential club +where he and other congenial cronies can enjoy the life of +ease untroubled by any form of feminism. Well, that, to +start with, one might fairly describe as "asking for it." But +when I add that the old house in question was the property +of a still young and charming widow you will probably +agree with me that poor <i>Simpson</i> hadn't even a dog's +chance from the beginning. It is possible that this fore-dooming +may a little spoil your enjoyment of Miss <span class="sc">Elinor +Mordaunt's</span> otherwise pleasant tale. Naturally, so far +from women being banished from its pages, they simply +abound; and the tale of the progress of the bachelor club +resolves itself into a chronicle of proposals. There is however +an attractive variety about the love affairs, of which +I liked best that of the youngest couple. With two there +is a note of tragedy; and though the courtship of <i>Gilbert +Strong</i>, a respectable country lawyer, and the wild gipsy +whom he marries may strike you as fantastic, the end of +their romance is well told with a fine suggestion of inevitability. +On the whole an agreeable and easy-going +tale, though without any +unusual claim to distinction.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/180-1000.png"><img src="images/180-600.png" width="600" height="388" alt="It was an ambitious youth who, while travelling on the Continent,..." /></a> +<p><span class="sc">It was an ambitious youth who, while travelling on the Continent, +was offered the crown of one of the smaller states and refused it, +saying, he "disliked these blind-alley occupations.</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p>I quite realise that I +have not the shadow +of a case against Mr. +<span class="sc">Algernon Blackwood</span>. +He frankly calls his book +<i>Ten Minute Stories</i> +(<span class="sc">Murray</span>), and that is +exactly what they are. +Nevertheless I did feel +a little aggrieved when +each of them stopped +with a jerk just as I had +become absorbed. One +has a sense of having +been cheated of one's +rights. That is why, +though many of these +sketches are as good as +they can be, I do not +think that the book will be quite so popular as others of +his. But devout Blackwoodsmen will add it to their collections +and re-read the majority of its contents again and +again, as I propose to do. On second thoughts, indeed, +I may say that perhaps Mr. <span class="sc">Blackwood</span> is not so unfair +to his public as I have suggested, for he is one of those +writers who are not dead and done with after a first +perusal. He can pack a vast deal of food for thought even +into a ten-minute story. A good example of what I mean +is to be found in number fifteen of the collection, "Ancient +Lights." Even a scene-shifter at the Savoy Theatre would +believe in fairies after one reading of that. And if, after +studying "If the Cap Fits," you lightly steal a fellow-member's +hat from your club, I shall regard you as a very +reckless dashing fellow. With the awful example of <i>Field-Martin</i> +before me, I would not do it for a fortune. I shall +buy one of those frightful plush hats which you see in shops +but never out of them, and I shall have my name in large +letters on the inside band. And to the hat-waiter's insidious +"This is just as good, Sir," as he offers me some sinister +bowler or topper with a past, I shall reply with gestures of +disgust and threats to write to the committee.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Detached 7-roomed horse wanted."—<i>The Norbury Weekly News.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">Where is your one-stalled ox now?</p> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<table align="center" summary="transcriber note" style="margin-top: 3em; margin-bottom: 3em;"> +<tr> + <td class="note"> + +<h4>Transcriber's Note:</h4> + +<p>Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been repaired.</p> + +<p>Corrections are also indicated, in the text, by a dotted line underneath the correction.</p> +<p style="margin-top:-1em;">Scroll the mouse over the word and the original text will <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'apprear'">appear</ins>.</p> + +<p>Page 161: 'Deutches' is as printed. (Alternative spelling). "Herr <span class="sc">Reinhardt</span>'s Deutches Theater"</p> + +<p>Page 174: 'beleagured' corrected to 'beleaguered'. "likened to a beleaguered garrison,"</p> + +<p>Page 174: 'lose' corrected to 'loose'. "A bull has got loose in the china"</p> + +<p>Page 174: 'privonces' is as printed. (A 'Punch' joke: Metrolopis).</p> + + +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +146, March 4th 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 38794-h.htm or 38794-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/7/9/38794/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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