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+Project Gutenberg's The Days Before Yesterday, by Lord Frederic Hamilton
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+Title: The Days Before Yesterday
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+Author: Lord Frederic Hamilton
+
+Release Date: March, 2003  [Etext #3827]
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+[The actual date this file first posted = 09/29/01]
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+Edition: 10
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+Language: English
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+Project Gutenberg's The Days Before Yesterday, by Lord Frederic Hamilton
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+
+
+THE DAYS BEFORE YESTERDAY
+
+
+
+FOREWORD
+
+
+The Public has given so kindly a reception to The Varnished Pomps
+of Yesterday (a reception which took its author wholly by
+surprise), that I have extracted some further reminiscences from
+the lumber-room of recollections. Those who expect startling
+revelations, or stale whiffs of forgotten scandals in these pages,
+will, I fear, be disappointed, for the book contains neither. It
+is merely a record of everyday events, covering different ground
+to those recounted in the former book, which may, or may not,
+prove of interest. I must tender my apologies for the insistent
+recurrence of the first person singular; in a book of this
+description this is difficult to avoid.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+Early days--The passage of many terrors--Crocodiles, grizzlies and
+hunchbacks--An adventurous journey and its reward--The famous
+spring in South Audley Street--Climbing chimney-sweeps--The story
+of Mrs. Montagu's son--The sweeps' carnival--Disraeli--Lord John
+Russell--A child's ideas about the Whigs--The Earl of Aberdeen--
+"Old Brown Bread"--Sir Edwin Landseer, a great family friend--A
+live lion at a tea-party--Landseer as an artist--Some of his
+vagaries--His frescoes at Ardverikie--His latter days--A devoted
+friend--His last Academy picture
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+The "swells" of the "sixties"--Old Lord Claud Hamilton--My first
+presentation to Queen Victoria--Scandalous behaviour of a
+brother--Queen Victoria's letters--Her character and strong common
+sense--My mother's recollections of George III. and George IV.--
+Carlton House, and the Brighton Pavilion--Queen Alexandra--The
+Fairchild Family--Dr. Cumming and his church--A clerical Jazz--
+First visit to Paris--General de Flahault's account of Napoleon's
+campaign of 1812--Another curious link with the past--"Something
+French"--Attraction of Paris--Cinderella's glass slipper--A
+glimpse of Napoleon III.--The Rue de Rivoli--The Riviera in 1865--
+A novel Tricolour flag--Jenny Lind--The championship of the
+Mediterranean--My father's boat and crew--The race--The Abercorn
+wins the championship
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+A new departure--A Dublin hotel in the "sixties"--The Irish mail
+service--The wonderful old paddle mail-boats--The convivial
+waiters of the Munster--The Viceregal Lodge--Indians and pirates--
+The imagination of youth--A modest personal ambition--Death-
+warrants; imaginary and real--The Fenian outbreak of 1866-7--The
+Abergele railway accident--A Dublin Drawing-Room--Strictly private
+ceremonials--Some of the amenities of the Chapel Royal--An
+unbidden spectator of the State dinners--Irish wit--Judge Keogh--
+Father Healy--Happy Dublin knack of nomenclature--An unexpected
+honour and its cause--Incidents of the Fenian rising--Dr.
+Hatchell--A novel prescription--Visit of King Edward--Gorgeous
+ceremonial, but a chilly drive--An anecdote of Queen Alexandra
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+Chittenden's--A wonderful teacher--My personal experiences as a
+schoolmaster--My "boys in blue"--My unfortunate garments--A "brave
+Belge"--The model boy, and his name--A Spartan regime--"The Three
+Sundays"--Novel religious observances--Harrow--"John Smith of
+Harrow"--"Tommy"--Steele--"Tosher"--An ingenious punishment--John
+Farmer--His methods--The birth of a famous song--Harrow school
+songs--"Ducker"--The "Curse of Versatility"--Advancing old age--
+The race between three brothers--A family failing--My father's
+race at sixty-four--My own--A most acrimonious dispute at Rome--
+Harrow after fifty years
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+Mme. Ducros--A Southern French country town--"Tartarin de
+Tarascon"--His prototypes at Nyons--M. Sisteron the roysterer--The
+Southern French--An octogenarian pasteur--French industry--"Bone-
+shakers"--A wonderful "Cordon-bleu"--"Slop-basin"--French legal
+procedure--The bons-vivants--The merry French judges--La gaiete
+francaise--Delightful excursions--Some sleepy old towns--Oronge
+and Avignon--M. Thiers' ingenious cousin--Possibilities--French
+political situation in 1874--The Comte de Chambord--Some French
+characteristics--High intellectual level--Three days in a
+Trappist Monastery--Details of life there--The Arian heresy--
+Silkworm culture--Tendencies of French to complicate details--Some
+examples--Cicadas in London.
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+Brunswick--Its beauty--High level of culture--The Brunswick
+Theatre--Its excellence--Gas vs. Electricity--Primitive theatre
+toilets--Operatic stars in private life--Some operas unknown in
+London--Dramatic incidents in them--Levasseur's parody of
+"Robert"--Some curious details about operas--Two fiery old pan-
+Germans--Influence of the teaching profession on modern Germany--
+The "French and English Clubs"--A meeting of the "English Club"
+Some reflections about English reluctance to learn foreign
+tongues--Mental attitude of non-Prussians in 1875--Concerning
+various beers--A German sportsman--The silent, quinine-loving
+youth--The Harz Mountains--A "Kettle-drive" for hares--Dialects of
+German--The odious "Kaffee-Klatch"--Universal gossip--Hamburg's
+overpowering hospitality--Hamburg's attitude towards Britain--The
+city itself--Trip to British Heligoland--The island--Some
+peculiarities--Migrating birds--Sir Fitzhardinge Maxse--Lady
+Maxse--The Heligoland Theatre--Winter in Heligoland
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+Some London beauties of the "seventies"--Great ladies--The
+Victorian girl--Votaries of the Gaiety Theatre Two witty ladies--
+Two clever girls and mock-Shakespeare--The family who talked
+Johnsonian English--Old-fashioned tricks of pronunciation--
+Practical jokes--Lord Charles Beresford and the old Club-member--
+The shoeless legislator--Travellers' palms--The tree that spouted
+wine--Ceylon's spicy breezes--Some reflections--Decline of public
+interest in Parliament--Parliamentary giants--Gladstone, John
+Bright, and Chamberlain--Gladstone's last speech--His resignation--
+W.H. Smith--The Assistant Whips--Sir William Hart-Dyke--Weary
+hours at Westminster--A Pseudo-Ingoldsbean Lay
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+The Foreign Office--The new Private Secretary--A Cabinet key--
+Concerning theatricals--Some surnames which have passed into
+everyday use--Theatricals at Petrograd--A mock-opera--The family
+from Runcorn--An embarrassing predicament--Administering the
+oath--Secret Service--Popular errors--Legitimate employment of
+information--The Phoenix Park murders--I sanction an arrest--The
+innocent victim--The execution of the murderers of Alexander II.--
+The jarring military band--Black Magic--Sir Charles Wyke--Some
+of his experiences--The seance at the Pantheon--Sir Charles'
+experiments on myself--The Alchemists--The Elixir of Life, and the
+Philosopher's Stone--Lucid directions for their manufacture--
+Glamis Castle and its inhabitants--The tuneful Lyon family--Mr.
+Gladstone at Glamis--He sings in the glees--The castle and its
+treasures--Recollections of Glamis
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+Canada--The beginnings of the C.P.R.--Attitude of British
+Columbia--The C.P.R. completed--Quebec--A swim at Niagara--Other
+mighty waterfalls--Ottawa and Rideau Hall--Effects of dry
+climate--Personal electricity--Every man his own dynamo--
+Attraction of Ottawa--The "roaring game"--Skating--An ice-palace--
+A ball on skates--Difficulties of translating the Bible into
+Eskimo--The building of the snow hut--The snow hut in use--Sir
+John Macdonald--Some personal traits--The Canadian Parliament
+buildings--Monsieur l'Orateur--A quaint oration--The "Pages'
+Parliament"--An all-night sitting--The "Arctic Cremorne"--A
+curious Lisbon custom--The Balkan "souvenir-hunters"--Personal
+inspection of Canadian convents--Some incidents--The unwelcome
+novice--The Montreal Carnival--The Ice-castle--The Skating
+Carnival--A stupendous toboggan slide--The pioneer of "ski" in
+Canada--The old-fashioned raquettes--A Canadian Spring--Wonders
+of the Dominion
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+Calcutta--Hooghly pilots--Government House--A Durbar--The sulky
+Rajah--The customary formalities--An ingenious interpreter--The
+sailing clippers in the Hooghly--Calcutta Cathedral--A succulent
+banquet--The mistaken Minister--The "Gordons"--Barrackpore--A
+Swiss Family Robinson aerial house--The child and the elephants--
+The merry midshipmen--Some of their escapades--A huge haul of
+fishes--Queen Victoria and Hindustani--The Hills--The Manipur
+outbreak--A riding tour--A wise old Anglo-Indian--Incidents--The
+fidelity of native servants--A novel printing-press--Lucknow--The
+loss of an illusion
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+Matters left untold--The results of improved communications--My
+father's journey to Naples--Modern stereotyped uniformity--Changes
+in customs--The faithful family retainer--Some details--Samuel
+Pepys' stupendous banquets--Persistence of idea--Ceremonial
+incense--Patriarchal family life--The barn dances--My father's
+habits--My mother--A son's tribute--Autumn days--Conclusion
+
+
+
+
+
+THE DAYS BEFORE YESTERDAY
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+
+Early days--The passage of many terrors--Crocodiles, grizzlies and
+hunchbacks--An adventurous journey and its reward--The famous
+spring in South Audley Street--Climbing chimney-sweeps--The story
+of Mrs. Montagu's son--The sweeps' carnival--Disraeli--Lord John
+Russell--A child's ideas about the Whigs--The Earl of Aberdeen--
+"Old Brown Bread"--Sir Edwin Landseer, a great family friend--A
+live lion at a tea-party--Landseer as an artist--Some of his
+vagaries--His frescoes at Ardverikie--His latter days--A devoted
+friend--His last Academy picture.
+
+I was born the thirteenth child of a family of fourteen, on the
+thirteenth day of the month, and I have for many years resided at
+No. 13 in a certain street in Westminster. In spite of the popular
+prejudice attached to this numeral, I am not conscious of having
+derived any particular ill-fortune from my accidental association
+with it.
+
+Owing to my sequence in the family procession, I found myself on
+my entry into the world already equipped with seven sisters and
+four surviving brothers. I was also in the unusual position of
+being born an uncle, finding myself furnished with four ready-
+made nephews--the present Lord Durham, his two brothers, Mr.
+Frederick Lambton and Admiral-of-the-Fleet Sir Hedworth Meux, and
+the late Lord Lichfield.
+
+Looking down the long vista of sixty years with eyes that have
+already lost their keen vision, the most vivid impression that
+remains of my early childhood is the nightly ordeal of the journey
+down "The Passage of Many Terrors" in our Irish home. It had been
+decreed that, as I had reached the mature age of six, I was quite
+old enough to come downstairs in the evening by myself without the
+escort of a maid, but no one seemed to realise what this entailed
+on the small boy immediately concerned. The house had evidently
+been built by some malevolent architect with the sole object of
+terrifying little boys. Never, surely, had such a prodigious
+length of twisting, winding passages and such a superfluity of
+staircases been crammed into one building, and as in the early
+"sixties" electric light had not been thought of, and there was no
+gas in the house, these endless passages were only sparingly lit
+with dim colza-oil lamps. From his nursery the little boy had to
+make his way alone through a passage and up some steps. These were
+brightly lit, and concealed no terrors. The staircase that had to
+be negotiated was also reassuringly bright, but at its base came
+the "Terrible Passage." It was interminably long, and only lit by
+an oil lamp at its far end. Almost at once a long corridor running
+at right angles to the main one, and plunged in total darkness,
+had to be crossed. This was an awful place, for under a marble
+slab in its dim recesses a stuffed crocodile reposed. Of course in
+the daytime the crocodile PRETENDED to be very dead, but every one
+knew that as soon as it grew dark, the crocodile came to life
+again, and padded noiselessly about the passage on its scaly paws
+seeking for its prey, with its great cruel jaws snapping, its
+fierce teeth gleaming, and its horny tail lashing savagely from
+side to side. It was also a matter of common knowledge that the
+favourite article of diet of crocodiles was a little boy with bare
+legs in a white suit. Even should one be fortunate enough to
+escape the crocodile's jaws, there were countless other terrors
+awaiting the traveller down this awe-inspiring passage. A little
+farther on there was a dark lobby, with cupboards surrounding it.
+Any one examining these cupboards by daylight would have found
+that they contained innocuous cricket-bats and stumps, croquet-
+mallets and balls, and sets of bowls. But as soon as the shades of
+night fell, these harmless sporting accessories were changed by
+some mysterious and malign agency into grizzly bears, and grizzly
+bears are notoriously the fiercest of their species. It was
+advisable to walk very quickly, but quietly, past the lair of the
+grizzlies, for they would have gobbled up a little boy in one
+second. Immediately after the bears' den came the culminating
+terror of all--the haunt of the wicked little hunchbacks. These
+malignant little beings inhabited an arched and recessed cross-
+passage. It was their horrible habit to creep noiselessly behind
+their victims, tip...tip...tip-toeing silently but swiftly behind
+their prey, and then ... with a sudden spring they threw
+themselves on to little boys' backs, and getting their arms round
+their necks, they remorselessly throttled the life out of them. In
+the early "sixties" there was a perfect epidemic of so-called
+"garrotting" in London. Harmless citizens proceeding peaceably
+homeward through unfrequented streets or down suburban roads at
+night were suddenly seized from behind by nefarious hands, and
+found arms pressed under their chins against their windpipe, with
+a second hand drawing their heads back until they collapsed
+insensible, and could be despoiled leisurely of any valuables they
+might happen to have about them. Those familiar with John Leech's
+Punch Albums will recollect how many of his drawings turned on
+this outbreak of garrotting. The little boy had heard his elders
+talking about this garrotting, and had somehow mixed it up with a
+story about hunchbacks and the fascinating local tales about "the
+wee people," but the terror was a very real one for all that. The
+hunchbacks baffled, there only remained a dark archway to pass,
+but this archway led to the "Robbers' Passage." A peculiarly
+bloodthirsty gang of malefactors had their fastnesses along this
+passage, but the dread of being in the immediate neighbourhood of
+such a band of desperadoes was considerably modified by the
+increasing light, as the solitary oil-lamp of the passage was
+approached. Under the comforting beams of this lamp the little boy
+would pause until his heart began to thump less wildly after his
+deadly perils, and he would turn the handle of the door and walk
+into the great hall as demurely as though he had merely traversed
+an ordinary everyday passage in broad daylight. It was very
+reassuring to see the big hall blazing with light, with the logs
+roaring on the open hearth, and grown-ups writing, reading, and
+talking unconcernedly, as though unconscious of the awful dangers
+lurking within a few yards of them. In that friendly atmosphere,
+what with toys and picture-books, the fearful experiences of the
+"Passage of Many Terrors" soon faded away, and the return journey
+upstairs would be free from alarms, for Catherine, the nursery-
+maid, would come to fetch the little boy when his bedtime arrived.
+
+Catherine was fat, freckled, and French. She was also of a very
+stolid disposition. She stumped unconcernedly along the "Passage
+of Terrors," and any reference to its hidden dangers of robbers,
+hunchbacks, bears, and crocodiles only provoked the remark, "Quel
+tas de betises!" In order to reassure the little boy, Catherine
+took him to view the stuffed crocodile reposing inertly under its
+marble slab. Of course, before a grown-up the crocodile would
+pretend to be dead and stuffed, but ... the little boy knew
+better. It occurred gleefully to him, too, that the plump French
+damsel might prove more satisfactory as a repast to a hungry
+saurian than a skinny little boy with thin legs. In the cheerful
+nursery, with its fragrant peat fire (we called it "turf"), the
+terrors of the evening were quickly forgotten, only to be renewed
+with tenfold activity next evening, as the moment for making the
+dreaded journey again approached.
+
+The little boy had had the Pilgrim's Progress read to him on
+Sundays. He envied "Christian," who not only usually enjoyed the
+benefit of some reassuring companion, such as "Mr. Interpreter,"
+or "Mr. Greatheart," to help him on his road, but had also been
+expressly told, "Keep in the midst of the path, and no harm shall
+come to thee." This was distinctly comforting, and Christian
+enjoyed another conspicuous advantage. All the lions he
+encountered in the course of his journey were chained up, and
+could not reach him provided he adhered to the Narrow Way. The
+little boy thought seriously of tying a rolled-up tablecloth to
+his back to represent Christian's pack; in his white suit, he
+might perhaps then pass for a pilgrim, and the strip of carpet
+down the centre of the passage would make an admirable Narrow Way,
+but it all depended on whether the crocodile, bears, and
+hunchbacks knew, and would observe the rules of the game. It was
+most improbable that the crocodile had ever had the Pilgrim's
+Progress read to him in his youth, and he might not understand
+that the carpet representing the Narrow Way was inviolable
+territory. Again, the bears might make their spring before they
+realised that, strictly speaking, they ought to consider
+themselves chained up. The ferocious little hunchbacks were
+clearly past praying for; nothing would give them a sense of the
+most elementary decency. On the whole, the safest plan seemed to
+be, on reaching the foot of the stairs, to keep an eye on the
+distant lamp and to run to it as fast as short legs and small feet
+could carry one. Once safe under its friendly beams, panting
+breath could be recovered, and the necessary stolid look assumed
+before entering the hall.
+
+There was another voyage, rich in its promise of ultimate rewards,
+but so perilous that it would only be undertaken under escort.
+That was to the housekeeper's room through a maze of basement
+passages. On the road two fiercely-gleaming roaring pits of fire
+had to be encountered. Grown-ups said this was the furnace that
+heated the house, but the little boy had his own ideas on the
+subject. Every Sunday his nurse used to read to him out of a
+little devotional book, much in vogue in the "sixties," called The
+Peep of Day, a book with the most terrifying pictures. One Sunday
+evening, so it is said, the little boy's mother came into the
+nursery to find him listening in rapt attention to what his nurse
+was reading him.
+
+"Emery is reading to me out of a good book," explained the small
+boy quite superfluously.
+
+"And do you like it, dear?"
+
+"Very much indeed."
+
+"What is Emery reading to you about? Is it about Heaven?"
+
+"No, it's about 'ell," gleefully responded the little boy, who had
+not yet found all his "h's."
+
+Those glowing furnace-bars; those roaring flames ... there could
+be no doubt whatever about it. A hymn spoke of "Gates of Hell" ...
+of course they just called it the heating furnace to avoid
+frightening him. The little boy became acutely conscious of his
+misdeeds. He had taken ... no, stolen an apple from the nursery
+pantry and had eaten it. Against all orders he had played with the
+taps in the sink. The burden of his iniquities pressed heavily on
+him; remembering the encouraging warnings Mrs. Fairchild, of The
+Fairchild Family, gave her offspring as to their certain ultimate
+destiny when they happened to break any domestic rule, he simply
+dared not pass those fiery apertures alone. With his hand in that
+of his friend Joseph, the footman, it was quite another matter.
+Out of gratitude, he addressed Joseph as "Mr. Greatheart," but
+Joseph, probably unfamiliar with the Pilgrim's Progress, replied
+that his name was Smith.
+
+The interminable labyrinth of passages threaded, the warm,
+comfortable housekeeper's room, with its red curtains, oak presses
+and a delicious smell of spice pervading it, was a real haven of
+rest. To this very day, nearly sixty years afterwards, it still
+looks just the same, and keeps its old fragrant spicy odour.
+Common politeness dictated a brief period of conversation, until
+Mrs. Pithers, the housekeeper, should take up her wicker key-
+basket and select a key (the second press on the left). From that
+inexhaustible treasure-house dates and figs would appear, also
+dried apricots and those little discs of crystallised apple-paste
+which, impaled upon straws, and coloured green, red and yellow,
+were in those days manufactured for the special delectation of
+greedy little boys. What a happy woman Mrs. Pithers must have been
+with such a prodigal wealth of delicious products always at her
+command! It was comforting, too, to converse with Mrs. Pithers,
+for though this intrepid woman was alarmed neither by bears,
+hunchbacks nor crocodiles, she was terribly frightened by what she
+termed "cows," and regulated her daily walks so as to avoid any
+portion of the park where cattle were grazing. Here the little boy
+experienced a delightful sense of masculine superiority. He was
+not the least afraid of cattle, or of other things in daylight and
+the open air; of course at night in dark passages infested with
+bears and little hunchbacks ... Well, it was obviously different.
+And yet that woman who was afraid of "cows" could walk without a
+tremor, or a little shiver down the spine, past the very "Gates of
+Hell," where they roared and blazed in the dark passage.
+
+Our English home had brightly-lit passages, and was consequently
+practically free from bears and robbers. Still, we all preferred
+the Ulster home in spite of its obvious perils. Here were a chain
+of lakes, wide, silvery expanses of gleaming water reflecting the
+woods and hills. Here were great tracts of woodlands where
+countless little burns chattered and tinkled in their rocky beds
+as they hurried down to the lakes, laughing as they tumbled in
+miniature cascades over rocky ledges into swirling pools, in their
+mad haste to reach the placid waters below. Here were purple
+heather-clad hills, with their bigger brethren rising mistily blue
+in the distance, and great wine-coloured tracts of bog (we called
+them "flows") interspersed with glistening bands of water, where
+the turf had been cut which hung over the village in a thin haze
+of fragrant blue smoke.
+
+The woods in the English place were beautifully kept, but they
+were uninteresting, for there were no rocks or great stones in
+them. An English brook was a dull, prosaic, lifeless stream,
+rolling its clay-stained waters stolidly along, with never a
+dimple of laughter on its surface, or a joyous little gurgle of
+surprise at finding that it was suddenly called upon to take a
+headlong leap of ten feet. The English brooks were so silent, too,
+compared to our noisy Ulster burns, whose short lives were one
+clamorous turmoil of protest against the many obstacles with which
+nature had barred their progress to the sea; here swirling over a
+miniature crag, there babbling noisily among a labyrinth of
+stones. They ultimately became merged in a foaming, roaring salmon
+river, expanding into amber-coloured pools, or breaking into white
+rapids; a river which retained to the last its lordly independence
+and reached the sea still free, refusing to be harnessed or
+confined by man. Our English brook, after its uneventful
+childhood, made its stolid matter-of-fact way into an equally dull
+little river which crawled inertly along to its destiny somewhere
+down by the docks. I know so many people whose whole lives are
+like that of that particular English brook.
+
+We lived then in London at Chesterfield House, South Audley
+Street, which covered three times the amount of ground it does at
+present, for at the back it had a very large garden, on which
+Chesterfield Gardens are now built. In addition to this it had two
+wings at right angles to it, one now occupied by Lord Leconfield's
+house, the other by Nos. 1 and 2, South Audley Street. The left-
+hand wing was used as our stables and contained a well which
+enjoyed an immense local reputation in Mayfair. Never was such
+drinking-water! My father allowed any one in the neighbourhood to
+fetch their drinking-water from our well, and one of my earliest
+recollections is watching the long daily procession of men-
+servants in the curious yellow-jean jackets of the "sixties," each
+with two large cans in his hands, fetching the day's supply of our
+matchless water. No inhabitants of Curzon Street, Great Stanhope
+Street, or South Audley Street would dream of touching any water
+but that from the famous Chesterfield House spring. In 1867 there
+was a serious outbreak of Asiatic cholera in London, and my father
+determined to have the water of the celebrated spring analysed.
+There were loud protests at this:--what, analyse the finest
+drinking-water in England! My father, however, persisted, and the
+result of the analysis was that our incomparable drinking-water
+was found to contain thirty per cent. of organic matter. The
+analyst reported that fifteen per cent. of the water must be pure
+sewage. My father had the spring sealed and bricked up at once,
+but it is a marvel that we had not poisoned every single
+inhabitant of the Mayfair district years before.
+
+In the early "sixties" the barbarous practice of sending wretched
+little "climbing boys" up chimneys to sweep them still prevailed.
+In common with most other children of that day, I was perfectly
+terrified when the chimney-sweep arrived with his attendant coal-
+black imps, for the usual threat of foolish nurses to their
+charges when they proved refractory was, "If you are not good I
+shall give you to the sweep, and then you will have to climb up
+the chimney." When the dust-sheets laid on the floors announced
+the advent of the sweeps, I used, if possible, to hide until they
+had left the house. I cannot understand how public opinion
+tolerated for so long the abominable cruelty of forcing little
+boys to clamber up flues. These unhappy brats were made to creep
+into the chimneys from the grates, and then to wriggle their way
+up by digging their toes into the interstices of the bricks, and
+by working their elbows and knees alternately; stifled in the
+pitch-darkness of the narrow flue by foul air, suffocated by the
+showers of soot that fell on them, perhaps losing their way in the
+black maze of chimneys, and liable at any moment, should they lose
+their footing, to come crashing down twenty feet, either to be
+killed outright in the dark or to lie with a broken limb until
+they were extricated--should, indeed, it be possible to rescue
+them at all. These unfortunate children, too, were certain to get
+abrasions on their bare feet and on their elbows and knees from
+the rough edges of the bricks. The soot working into these
+abrasions gave them a peculiar form of sore. Think of the terrible
+brutality to which a nervous child must have been subjected before
+he could be induced to undertake so hateful a journey for the
+first time. Should the boy hesitate to ascend, many of the master-
+sweeps had no compunction in giving him what was termed a
+"tickler"--that is, in lighting some straw in the grate below him.
+The poor little urchin had perforce to scramble up his chimney
+then, to avoid being roasted alive.
+
+All honour to the seventh Earl of Shaftesbury, the philanthropist,
+who as Lord Ashley never rested in the House of Commons until he
+got a measure placed on the Statute Book making the employment of
+climbing-boys illegal.
+
+It will be remembered that little Tom, the hero of Charles
+Kingsley's delightful Water-Babies, was a climbing-sweep. In spite
+of all my care, I occasionally met some of these little fellows in
+the passages, inky-black with soot from the soles of their bare
+feet to the crowns of their heads, except for the whites of their
+eyes. They could not have been above eight or nine years old. I
+looked on them as awful warnings, for of course they would not
+have occupied their present position had they not been little boys
+who had habitually disobeyed the orders of their nurses.
+
+Even the wretched little climbing-boys had their gala-day on the
+1st of May, when they had a holiday and a feast under the terms of
+Mrs. Montagu's will.
+
+The story of Mrs. Montagu is well known. The large house standing
+in a garden at the corner of Portman Square and Gloucester Place,
+now owned by Lord Portman, was built for Mrs. Montagu by James
+Wyatt at the end of the eighteenth century, and the adjoining
+Montagu Street and Montagu Square derive their names from her.
+Somehow Mrs. Montagu's only son got kidnapped, and all attempts to
+recover the child failed. Time went on, and he was regarded as
+dead. On a certain 1st of May the sweeps arrived to clean Mrs.
+Montagu's chimneys, and a climbing-boy was sent up to his horrible
+task. Like Tom in the Water-Babies, he lost his way in the network
+of flues and emerged in a different room to the one he had started
+from. Something in the aspect of the room struck a half-familiar,
+half-forgotten chord in his brain. He turned the handle of the
+door of the next room and found a lady seated there. Then he
+remembered. Filthy and soot-stained as he was, the little sweep
+flung himself into the arms of the beautiful lady with a cry of
+"Mother!" Mrs. Montagu had found her lost son.
+
+In gratitude for the recovery of her son, Mrs. Montagu entertained
+every climbing-boy in London at dinner on the anniversary of her
+son's return, and arranged that they should all have a holiday on
+that day. At her death she left a legacy to continue the treat.
+
+Such, at least, is the story as I have always heard it.
+
+At the Sweeps' Carnival, there was always a grown-up man figuring
+as "Jack-in-the-green." Encased in an immense frame of wicker-work
+covered with laurels and artificial flowers, from the midst of
+which his face and arms protruded with a comical effect, "Jack-in-
+the-green" capered slowly about in the midst of the street,
+surrounded by some twenty little climbing-boys, who danced
+joyously round him with black faces, their soot-stained clothes
+decorated with tags of bright ribbon, and making a deafening
+clamour with their dustpans and brushes as they sang some popular
+ditty. They then collected money from the passers-by, making
+usually quite a good haul. There were dozens of these "Jacks-in-
+the-green" to be seen then on Mayday in the London streets, each
+one with his attendant band of little black familiars. I summoned
+up enough courage once to ask a small inky-black urchin whether he
+had disobeyed his nurse very often in order to be condemned to
+sweep chimneys. He gaped at me uncomprehendingly, with a grin; but
+being a cheerful little soul, assured me that, on the whole, he
+rather enjoyed climbing up chimneys.
+
+It was my father and mother's custom in London to receive any of
+their friends at luncheon without a formal invitation, and a
+constant procession of people availed themselves of this
+privilege. At six years of age I was promoted to lunch in the
+dining-room with my parents, and I always kept my ears open. I had
+then one brother in the House of Commons, and we being a
+politically inclined family, most of the notabilities of the Tory
+party put in occasional appearances at Chesterfield House at
+luncheon-time. There was Mr. Disraeli, for whom my father had an
+immense admiration, although he had not yet occupied the post of
+Prime Minister. Mr. Disraeli's curiously impassive face, with its
+entire absence of colouring, rather frightened me. It looked like
+a mask. He had, too, a most singular voice, with a very impressive
+style of utterance. After 1868, by which time my three elder
+brothers were all in the House of Commons, and Disraeli himself
+was Prime Minister, he was a more frequent visitor at our house.
+
+In 1865 my uncle, Lord John Russell, my mother's brother, was
+Prime Minister. My uncle, who had been born as far back as 1792,
+was a very tiny man, who always wore one of the old-fashioned,
+high black-satin stocks right up to his chin. I liked him, for he
+was always full of fun and small jokes, but in that rigorously
+Tory household he was looked on with scant favour. It was his
+second term of office as Prime Minister, for he had been First
+Lord of the Treasury from 1846 to 1852; he had also sat in the
+House of Commons for forty-seven years. My father was rather
+inclined to ridicule his brother-in-law's small stature, and
+absolutely detested his political opinions, declaring that he
+united all the ineradicable faults of the Whigs in his diminutive
+person. Listening, as a child will do, to the conversation of his
+elders, I derived the most grotesquely false ideas as to the Whigs
+and their traditional policy. I gathered that, with their tongues
+in their cheeks, they advocated measures in which they did not
+themselves believe, should they think that by so doing they would
+be able to enhance their popularity and maintain themselves in
+office: that, in order to extricate themselves from some present
+difficulty, they were always prepared to mortgage the future
+recklessly, quite regardless of the ultimate consequences: that
+whilst professing the most liberal principles, they were absurdly
+exclusive in their private lives, not consorting with all and
+sundry as we poor Tories did: that convictions mattered less than
+office: that in fact nothing much mattered, provided that the
+government of the country remained permanently in the hands of a
+little oligarchy of Whig families, and that every office of profit
+under the Crown was, as a matter of course, allotted to some
+member of those favoured families. In proof of the latter
+statement, I learnt that the first act of my uncle Lord John, as
+Prime Minister, had been to appoint one of his brothers Sergeant-
+at-Arms of the House of Commons, and to offer to another of his
+brothers, the Rev. Lord Wriothesley Russell, the vacant Bishopric
+of Oxford. Much to the credit of my clergyman-uncle, he declined
+the Bishopric, saying that he had neither the eloquence nor the
+administrative ability necessary for so high an office in the
+Church, and that he preferred to remain a plain country parson in
+his little parish, of which, at the time of his death, he had been
+Rector for fifty-six years. All of which only goes to show what
+absurdly erroneous ideas a child, anxious to learn, may pick up
+from listening to the conversation of his elders, even when one of
+those elders happened to be Mr. Disraeli himself.
+
+Another ex-Prime Minister who was often at our house was the
+fourth Earl of Aberdeen, who had held office many times, and had
+been Prime Minister during the Crimean War. He must have been a
+very old man then, for he was born in 1784. I have no very
+distinct recollection of him. Oddly enough, Lord Aberdeen was both
+my great-uncle and my step-grandfather, for his first wife had
+been my grandfather's sister, and after her death, he married my
+grandfather's widow, his two wives thus being sisters-in-law.
+Judging by their portraits by Lawrence, which hung round our
+dining-room, my great-grandfather, old Lord Abercorn's sons and
+daughters must have been of singular and quite unusual personal
+beauty. Not one of the five attained the age of twenty-nine, all
+of them succumbing early to consumption. Lord Aberdeen had a most
+unfortunate skin and complexion, and in addition he was deeply
+pitted with small-pox. As a result his face looked exactly like a
+slice of brown bread, and "Old Brown Bread" he was always called
+by my elder brothers and sisters, who had but little love for him,
+for he disliked young people, and always made the most
+disagreeable remarks he could think of to them. I remember once
+being taken to see him at Argyll House, Regent Street, on the site
+of which the "Palladium" now stands. I recollect perfectly the
+ugly, gloomy house, and its uglier and gloomier garden, but I have
+no remembrance of "Old Brown Bread" himself, or of what he said to
+me, which, considering his notorious dislike to children, is
+perhaps quite as well.
+
+Of a very different type was another constant and always welcome
+visitor to our house, Sir Edwin Landseer, the painter. He was one
+of my father and mother's oldest friends, and had been an equally
+close friend of my grandparents, the Duke and Duchess of Bedford.
+He had painted three portraits of my father, and five of my
+mother. Two of the latter had been engraved, and, under the titles
+of "Cottage Industry" and "The Mask," had a very large sale in
+mid-Victorian days. His large picture of my two eldest sisters,
+which hung over our dining-room chimney-piece, had also been
+engraved, and was a great favourite, under the title of "The
+Abercorn Children." Landseer was a most delightful person, and the
+best company that can be imagined. My father and mother were quite
+devoted to him, and both of them always addressed him as "Lanny."
+My mother going to call on him at his St. John's Wood house, found
+"Lanny" in the garden, working from a ladder on a gigantic mass of
+clay. Turning the corner, she was somewhat alarmed at finding a
+full-grown lion stretched out on the lawn. Landseer had been
+commissioned by the Government to model the four lions for the
+base of Nelson's pillar in Trafalgar Square. He had made some
+studies in the Zoological Gardens, but as he always preferred
+working from the live model, he arranged that an elderly and
+peculiarly docile lion should be brought to his house from the Zoo
+in a furniture van attended by two keepers. Should any one wish to
+know what that particular lion looked like, they have only to
+glance at the base of the Nelson pillar. On paying an afternoon
+call, it is so unusual to find a live lion included amongst the
+guests, that my mother's perturbation at finding herself in such
+close proximity to a huge loose carnivore is, perhaps, pardonable.
+Landseer is, of course, no longer in fashion as a painter. I quite
+own that at times his colour is unpleasing, owing to the bluish
+tint overlaying it; but surely no one will question his
+draughtsmanship? And has there ever been a finer animal-painter?
+Perhaps he was really a black-and-white man. My family possess
+some three hundred drawings of his: some in pen and ink, some in
+wash, some in pencil. I personally prefer his very delicate pencil
+work, over which he sometimes threw a light wash of colour. No
+one, seeing some of his pen and ink work, can deny that he was a
+master of line. A dozen scratches, and the whole picture is there!
+There is a charming little Landseer portrait of my mother with my
+eldest sister, in Room III of the Tate Gallery. Landseer preferred
+painting on panel, and he never would allow his pictures to be
+varnished. His wishes have been obeyed in that respect; none of
+the Landseers my family possess have ever been varnished.
+
+He was certainly an unconventional guest in a country house. My
+father had rented a deer-forest on a long lease from Cluny
+Macpherson, and had built a large house there, on Loch Laggan. As
+that was before the days of railways, the interior of the house at
+Ardverikie was necessarily very plain, and the rooms were merely
+whitewashed. Landseer complained that the glare of the whitewash
+in the dining-room hurt his eyes, and without saying a word to any
+one, he one day produced his colours, mounted a pair of steps, and
+proceeded to rough-in a design in charcoal on the white walls. He
+worked away until he had completely covered the walls with
+frescoes in colour. The originals of some of his best-known
+engravings, "The Sanctuary," "The Challenge," "The Monarch of the
+Glen," made their first appearance on the walls of the dining-room
+at Ardverikie. The house was unfortunately destroyed by fire some
+years later, and Landseer's frescoes perished with it.
+
+At another time, my father leased for two years a large house in
+the Midlands. The dining-hall of this house was hung with
+hideously wooden full-length portraits of the family owning it.
+Landseer declared that these monstrous pictures took away his
+appetite, so without any permission he one day mounted a ladder,
+put in high-lights with white chalk over the oils, made the dull
+eyes sparkle, and gave some semblance of life to these forlorn
+effigies. Pleased with his success, he then brightened up the
+flesh tints with red chalk, and put some drawing into the faces.
+To complete his work, he rubbed blacks into the backgrounds with
+charcoal. The result was so excellent that we let it remain. At
+the conclusion of my father's tenancy, the family to whom the
+place belonged were perfectly furious at the disrespect with which
+their cherished portraits had been treated, for it was a
+traditional article of faith with them that they were priceless
+works of art.
+
+Towards the end of his life Landseer became hopelessly insane and,
+during his periods of violence a dangerous homicidal maniac. Such
+an affection, however, had my father and mother for the friend of
+their younger days, that they still had him to stay with us in
+Kent for long periods. He had necessarily to bring a large retinue
+with him: his own trained mental attendant; Dr. Tuke, a very
+celebrated alienist in his day; and, above all, Mrs. Pritchard.
+The case of Mrs. Pritchard is such an instance of devoted
+friendship as to be worth recording. She was an elderly widow of
+small means, Landseer's neighbour in St. John's Wood; a little
+dried-up, shrivelled old woman. The two became firm allies, and
+when Landseer's reason became hopelessly deranged, Mrs. Pritchard
+devoted her whole life to looking after her afflicted friend. In
+spite of her scanty means, she refused to accept any salary, and
+Landseer was like wax in her hands. In his most violent moods when
+the keeper and Dr. Tuke both failed to quiet him, Mrs. Pritchard
+had only to hold up her finger and he became calm at once. Either
+his clouded reason or some remnant of his old sense of fun led him
+to talk of Mrs. Pritchard as his "pocket Venus." To people staying
+with us (who, I think, were a little alarmed at finding themselves
+in the company of a lunatic, however closely watched he might be),
+he would say, "In two minutes you will see the loveliest of her
+sex. A little dainty creature, perfect in feature, perfect in
+shape, who might have stepped bodily out of the frame of a Greuze.
+A perfect dream of loveliness." They were considerably astonished
+when a little wizened woman, with a face like a withered apple,
+entered the room. He was fond, too, of descanting on Mrs.
+Pritchard's wonderfully virtuous temperament, notwithstanding her
+amazing charms. Visitors probably reflected that, given her
+appearance, the path of duty must have been rendered very easy to
+her.
+
+Landseer painted his last Academy picture, "The Baptismal Font,"
+whilst staying with us. It is a perfectly meaningless composition,
+representing a number of sheep huddled round a font, for whatever
+allegorical significance he originally meant to give it eluded the
+poor clouded brain. As he always painted from the live model, he
+sent down to the Home Farm for two sheep, which he wanted driven
+upstairs into his bedroom, to the furious indignation of the
+housekeeper, who declared, with a certain amount of reason, that
+it was impossible to keep a house well if live sheep were to be
+allowed in the best bedrooms. So Landseer, his easel and colours
+and his sheep were all transferred to the garden.
+
+On another occasion there was some talk about a savage bull.
+Landseer, muttering, "Bulls! bulls! bulls!" snatched up an album
+of my sister's, and finding a blank page in it, made an exquisite
+little drawing of a charging bull. The disordered brain repeating
+"Bulls! bulls! bulls!" he then drew a bulldog, a pair of
+bullfinches surrounded by bulrushes, and a hooked bull trout
+fighting furiously for freedom. That page has been cut out and
+framed for fifty years.
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+
+The "swells" of the "sixties"--Old Lord Claud Hamilton--My first
+presentation to Queen Victoria--Scandalous behaviour of a brother--
+Queen Victoria's letters--Her character and strong common sense--
+My mother's recollections of George III. and George IV.--Carlton
+House, and the Brighton Pavilion--Queen Alexandra--The Fairchild
+Family--Dr. Cumming and his church--A clerical Jazz--First visit
+to Paris--General de Flahault's account of Napoleon's campaign of
+1812--Another curious link with the past--"Something French"--
+Attraction of Paris--Cinderella's glass slipper--A glimpse of
+Napoleon III.--The Rue de Rivoli The Riviera in 1865--A novel
+Tricolor flag--Jenny Lind--The championship of the Mediterranean--
+My father's boat and crew--The race--The Abercorn wins the
+championship.
+
+ Every one familiar with John Leech's Pictures from Punch must
+have an excellent idea of the outward appearance of "swells" of
+the "sixties."
+
+As a child I had an immense admiration for these gorgeous beings,
+though, between ourselves, they must have been abominably loud
+dressers. They affected rather vulgar sealskin waistcoats, with
+the festoons of a long watch-chain meandering over them, above
+which they exhibited a huge expanse of black or blue satin,
+secured by two scarf-pins of the same design, linked together,
+like Siamese twins, by a little chain.
+
+A reference to Leech's drawings will show the flamboyant checked
+"pegtop" trousers in which they delighted. Their principal
+adornment lay in their immense "Dundreary" whiskers, usually at
+least eight inches long. In a high wind these immensely long
+whiskers blew back over their owners' shoulders in the most
+comical fashion, and they must have been horribly inconvenient. I
+determined early in life to affect, when grown-up, longer whiskers
+than any one else--if possible down to my waist; but alas for
+human aspirations! By the time that I had emerged from my
+chrysalis stage, Dundreary whiskers had ceased to be the fashion;
+added to which unkind Nature had given me a hairless face.
+
+My uncle, old Lord Claud Hamilton, known in our family as "The
+Dowager," adhered, to the day of his death, to the William IV.
+style of dress. He wore an old-fashioned black-satin stock right
+up to his chin, with white "gills" above, and was invariably seen
+in a blue coat with brass buttons, and a buff waistcoat. My uncle
+was one of the handsomest men in England, and had sat for nearly
+forty years in Parliament. He had one curious faculty. He could
+talk fluently and well on almost any topic at indefinite length, a
+very useful gift in the House of Commons of those days. On one
+occasion when it was necessary "to talk a Bill out," he got up
+without any preparation whatever, and addressed the House in
+flowing periods for four hours and twenty minutes. His speech held
+the record for length for many years, but it was completely
+eclipsed in the early "eighties" by the late Mr. Biggar, who spoke
+(if my memory serves me right) for nearly six hours on one
+occasion. Biggar, however, merely read interminable extracts from
+Blue Books, whereas my uncle indulged in four hours of genuine
+rhetorical declamation. My uncle derived his nickname from the
+fact that in our family the second son is invariably christened
+Claud, so I had already a brother of that name. There happen to be
+three Lord Claud Hamiltons living now, of three successive
+generations.
+
+I shall never forget my bitter disappointment the first time I was
+taken, at a very early age, to see Queen Victoria. I had pictured
+to myself a dazzling apparition arrayed in sumptuous robes, seated
+on a golden throne; a glittering crown on her head, a sceptre in
+one hand, an orb grasped in the other. I had fancied Her Majesty
+seated thus, motionless during the greater part of the twenty-four
+hours, simply "reigning." I could have cried with disappointment
+when a middle-aged lady, simply dressed in widow's "weeds" and
+wearing a widow's cap, rose from an ordinary arm-chair to receive
+us. I duly made my bow, but having a sort of idea that it had to
+be indefinitely repeated, went on nodding like a porcelain Chinese
+mandarin, until ordered to stop.
+
+Between ourselves, I behaved far better than a brother of mine
+once did under similar circumstances. Many years before I was
+born, my father lent his Scotch house to Queen Victoria and the
+Prince Consort for ten days. This entailed my two eldest sisters
+and two eldest brothers vacating their nurseries in favour of the
+Royal children, and their being transferred to the farm, where
+they had very cramped quarters indeed. My second brother deeply
+resented being turned out of his comfortable nursery, and refused
+to be placated. On the day after the Queen's arrival, my mother
+took her four eldest children to present them to Her Majesty, my
+sisters dressed in their best clothes, my brothers being in kilts.
+They were duly instructed as to how they were to behave, and upon
+being presented, my two sisters made their curtsies, and my eldest
+brother made his best bow. "And this, your Majesty, is my second
+boy. Make your bow, dear," said my mother; but my brother, his
+heart still hot within him at being expelled from his nursery,
+instead of bowing, STOOD ON HIS HEAD IN HIS KILT, and remained
+like that, an accomplishment of which he was very proud. The Queen
+was exceedingly angry, so later in the day, upon my brother
+professing deep penitence, he was taken back to make his
+apologies, when he did precisely the same thing over again, and
+was consequently in disgrace during the whole of the Royal visit.
+In strict confidence, I believe that he would still do it to-day,
+more than seventy-two years later.
+
+During her stay in my father's house the Queen quite unexpectedly
+announced that she meant to give a dance. This put my mother in a
+great difficulty, for my sisters had no proper clothes for a ball,
+and in those pre-railway days it would have taken at least ten
+days to get anything from Edinburgh or Glasgow. My mother had a
+sudden inspiration. The muslin curtains in the drawing-room! The
+drawing-room curtains were at once commandeered; the ladies'-
+maids set to work with a will, and I believe that my sisters
+looked extremely well dressed in the curtains, looped up with
+bunches of rowan or mountain-ash berries.
+
+My mother was honoured with Queen Victoria's close friendship and
+confidence for over fifty years. At the time of her death she had
+in her possession a numerous collection of letters from the Queen,
+many of them very long ones. By the express terms of my mother's
+will, those letters will never be published. Many of them touch on
+exceedingly private matters relating to the Royal family, others
+refer to various political problems of the day. I have read all
+those letters carefully, and I fully endorse my mother's views.
+She was honoured with the confidence of her Sovereign, and that
+confidence cannot be betrayed. The letters are in safe custody,
+and there they will remain. On reading them it is impossible not
+to be struck with Queen Victoria's amazing shrewdness, and with
+her unfailing common sense. It so happens that both a brother and
+a sister of mine, the late Duchess of Buccleuch, were brought into
+very close contact with Queen Victoria. It was this quality of
+strong common sense in the Queen which continually impressed them,
+as well as her very high standard of duty.
+
+My brother George was twice Secretary of State for India. The
+Queen was fond of suggesting amendments in the wording of
+dispatches relating to India, whilst not altering their sense. My
+brother tells me that the alterations suggested by the Queen were
+invariably in the direction of simplification. The Queen had a
+knack of stripping away unnecessary verbiage and reducing a
+sentence to its simplest form, in which its meaning was
+unmistakably clear.
+
+All Queen Victoria's tastes were simple. She liked simplicity in
+dress, in food, and in her surroundings. If I may say so without
+disrespect, I think that Queen Victoria's great hold on her people
+came from the fact that, in spite of her high station, she had the
+ideals, the tastes, the likes and dislikes of the average clean-
+living, clean-minded wife of the average British professional man,
+together with the strict ideals as to the sanctity of the
+marriage-tie, the strong sense of duty, and the high moral
+standard such wives usually possess.
+
+It is, of course, the easy fashion now to sneer at Victorian
+standards. To my mind they embody all that is clean and sound in
+the nation. It does not follow that because Victorians revelled in
+hideous wall-papers and loved ugly furniture, that therefore their
+points-of-view were mistaken ones. There are things more important
+than wall-papers. They certainly liked the obvious in painting, in
+music, and perhaps in literature, but it hardly seems to follow
+logically from that, that their conceptions of a man's duty to his
+wife, family, and country were necessarily false ones. They were
+not afflicted with the perpetual modern restlessness, nor did they
+spend "their time in nothing else, but either to tell, or to hear
+some new thing"; still, all their ideas seem to me eminently sweet
+and wholesome.
+
+In her old age my mother was the last person living who had seen
+George III. She remembered perfectly seeing the old King, in one
+of his rare lucid intervals, driving through London, when he was
+enthusiastically cheered.
+
+She was also the last person alive who had been at Carlton House
+which was pulled down in 1826. My mother at the age of twelve
+danced as a solo "The Spanish Shawl dance" before George IV. at
+the Pavilion, Brighton. The King was so delighted with her dancing
+that he went up to her and said, "You are a very pretty little
+girl, and you dance charmingly. Now is there anything I can do for
+you?" The child answered, "Yes, there is. Your Majesty can bring
+me some ham sandwiches and a glass of port-wine negus, for I am
+very hungry," and to do George IV. justice, he promptly brought
+them. My mother was painted by a French artist doing her "shawl
+dance," and if it is a faithful likeness, she must have been an
+extraordinarily pretty child. On another occasion at a children's
+party at Carlton House, my uncle, General Lord Alexander Russell,
+a very outspoken little boy, had been warned by his mother, the
+Duchess of Bedford, that though the King wore a palpable wig, he
+was to take no notice whatever of it. To my mother's dismay, she
+heard her little brother go up to the King and say, "I know that
+your Majesty wears a wig, but I've been told not to say anything
+about it, so I promised not to tell any one."
+
+Carlton House stood, from all I can learn, at the top of the Duke
+of York's steps. Several engravings of its beautiful gardens are
+still to be found. These gardens extended from the present Carlton
+House Terrace to Pall Mall. Not only the Terrace, but the Carlton,
+Reform, Travellers', Athenaeum, and United Service Clubs now stand
+on their site. They were separated from Pall Mall by an open
+colonnade, and the Corinthian pillars from the front of Carlton
+House were re-erected in 1834 as the portico of the National
+Gallery in Trafalgar Square.
+
+As a child I had a wild adoration for Queen Alexandra (then, of
+course, Princess of Wales), whom I thought the most beautiful
+person I had ever seen in my life, and I dare say that I was not
+far wrong. When I was taken to Marlborough House, I remembered and
+treasured up every single word she said to me. I was not present
+at the child's tea-party at Marlborough House given by the little
+Princess, including his present Majesty, when SOME ONE (my loyalty
+absolutely refuses to let me say who) suggested that as the woven
+flowers on the carpet looked rather faded, it might be as well to
+water them. The boys present, including the little Princes,
+gleefully emptied can after can of water on to the floor in their
+attempts to revive the carpet, to the immense improvement of the
+ceiling and furniture of the room underneath.
+
+In the "sixties" Sunday was very strictly observed. In our own
+Sabbatarian family, our toys and books all disappeared on Saturday
+night. On Sundays we were only allowed to read Line upon Line, The
+Peep of Day, and The Fairchild Family. I wonder if any one ever
+reads this book now. If they haven't, they should. Mr. and Mrs.
+Fairchild were, I regret to say it, self-righteous prigs of the
+deepest dye, whilst Lucy, Emily, and Henry, their children, were
+all little prodigies of precocious piety. It was a curious menage;
+Mr. Fairchild having no apparent means of livelihood, and no
+recreations beyond perpetually reading the Bible under a tree in
+the garden. Mrs. Fairchild had the peculiar gift of being able to
+recite a different prayer off by heart applicable to every
+conceivable emergency; whilst John, their man-servant, was a real
+"handy-man," for he was not only gardener, but looked after the
+horse and trap, cleaned out the pigsties, and waited at table. One
+wonders in what sequence he performed his various duties, but
+perhaps the Fairchilds had not sensitive noses. Even the possibly
+odoriferous John had a marvellous collection of texts at his
+command. It was refreshing after all this to learn that on one
+occasion all three of the little Fairchilds got very drunk, which,
+as the eldest of them was only ten, would seem to indicate that,
+in spite of their aggressive piety, they had their fair dose of
+original sin still left in them. I liked the book notwithstanding.
+There was plenty about eating and drinking; one could always skip
+the prayers, and there were three or four very brightly written
+accounts of funerals in it. I was present at a "Fairchild Family"
+dinner given some twenty years ago in London by Lady Buxton, wife
+of the present Governor-General of South Africa, at which every
+one of the guests had to enact one of the characters of the book.
+
+My youngest brother had a great taste for drawing, and was
+perpetually depicting terrific steeplechases. From a confusion of
+ideas natural to a child, he always introduced a church steeple
+into the corner of his drawings. One Sunday he had drawn a most
+spirited and hotly-contested "finish" to a steeplechase. When
+remonstrated with on the ground that it was not a "Sunday"
+subject, he pointed to the church steeple and said, "You don't
+understand. This is Sunday, and those jockeys are all racing to
+see which of them can get to church first," which strikes me as a
+peculiarly ready and ingenious explanation for a child of six.
+
+In London we all went on Sundays to the Scottish Presbyterian
+Church in Crown Court, just opposite Drury Lane Theatre. Dr.
+Cumming, the minister of the church at that time, enjoyed an
+immense reputation amongst his congregation. He was a very
+eloquent man, but was principally known as always prophesying the
+imminent end of the world. He had been a little unfortunate in
+some of the dates he had predicted for the final cataclysm, these
+dates having slipped by uneventfully without anything whatever
+happening, but finally definitely fixed on a date in 1867 as the
+exact date of the Great Catastrophe. His influence with his flock
+rather diminished when it was found that Dr. Cumming had renewed
+the lease of his house for twenty-one years, only two months
+before the date he had fixed with absolute certainty as being the
+end of all things. All the same, I am certain that he was
+thoroughly in earnest and perfectly genuine in his convictions. As
+a child I thought the church--since rebuilt--absolutely beautiful,
+but it was in reality a great, gaunt, barn-like structure. It was
+always crammed. We were very old-fashioned, for we sat down to
+sing, and we stood to pray, and there was no instrument of any
+sort. The pew in front of us belonged to Lord Aberdeen, and his
+brother Admiral Gordon, one of the Elders, always sat in it with
+his high hat on, conversing at the top of his voice until the
+minister entered, when he removed his hat and kept silence. This
+was, I believe, intended as a protest against the idea of there
+being any special sanctity attached to the building itself qua
+building. Dr. Cumming had recently introduced an anthem, a new
+departure rather dubiously welcomed by his flock. It was the
+singular custom of his congregation to leave their pews during the
+singing of this anthem and to move about in the aisles; whether as
+a protest against a daring innovation, or merely to stretch their
+limbs, or to seek better places, I could never make out.
+
+Dr. Cumming invariably preached for over an hour, sometimes for an
+hour and a half, and yet I never felt bored or wearied by his long
+discourses, but really looked forward to them. This was because
+his sermons, instead of consisting of a string of pious
+platitudes, interspersed with trite ejaculations and irrelevant
+quotations, were one long chain of closely-reasoned argument.
+Granted his first premiss, his second point followed logically
+from it, and so he led his hearers on point by point, all closely
+argued, to an indisputable conclusion. I suppose that the
+inexorable logic of it all appealed to the Scottish side of me.
+His preaching had the same fascination for me that Euclid's
+propositions exercised later, even on my hopelessly unmathematical
+mind.
+
+Whatever the weather, we invariably walked home from Drury Lane to
+South Audley Street, a long trudge for young feet, as my mother
+had scruples about using the carriages on Sundays.
+
+Neither my father nor my mother ever dined out on a Sunday, nor
+did they invite people to dinner on that day, for they wished as
+far as possible to give those in their employment a day of rest.
+All quite hopelessly Victorian! for, after all, why should people
+ever think of anybody but themselves?
+
+Dr. Cumming was a great bee-fancier, and a recognised authority on
+bees. Calling one day on my mother, he brought with him four
+queen-bees of a new breed, each one encased in a little paper bag.
+He prided himself on his skill in handling bees, and proudly
+exhibited those treasures to my mother. He replaced them in their
+paper bags, and being a very absent-minded man, he slipped the
+bags into the tail pocket of his clerical frock-coat. Soon after
+he began one of his long arguments (probably fixing the exact date
+of the end of the world), and, totally oblivious of the presence
+of the bees in his tail pocket, he leant against the mantelpiece.
+The queen-bees, naturally resenting the pressure, stung him
+through the cloth on that portion of his anatomy immediately
+nearest to their temporary prison. Dr. Cumming yelled with pain,
+and began skipping all round the room. It so tickled my fancy to
+see the grim and austere minister, who towered above me in the
+pulpit every Sunday, executing a sort of solo-Jazz dance up and
+down the big room, punctuated with loud cries, that I rolled about
+on the floor with laughter.
+
+The London of the "sixties" was a very dark and dingy place. The
+streets were sparingly lit with the dimmest of gas-jets set very
+far apart: the shop-windows made no display of lights, and the
+general effect was one of intense gloom.
+
+Until I was seven years old, I had never left the United Kingdom.
+We then all went to Paris for a fortnight, on our way to the
+Riviera. I well remember leaving London at 7 a.m. on a January
+morning, in the densest of fogs. So thick was the fog that the
+footman had to lead the horses all the way to Charing Cross
+Station. Ten hours later I found myself in a fairy city of clean
+white stone houses, literally blazing with light. I had never
+imagined such a beautiful, attractive place, and indeed the
+contrast between the dismal London of the "sixties" and this
+brilliant, glittering town was unbelievable. Paris certainly
+deserved the title of "La Ville Lumiere" in a literal sense. I
+like the French expression, "une ville ruisselante de lumiere," "a
+city dripping with light." That is an apt description of the Paris
+of the Second Empire, for it was hardly a manufacturing city then,
+and the great rim of outlying factories that now besmirch the
+white stone of its house fronts had not come into existence, the
+atmosphere being as clear as in the country. A naturally retentive
+memory is apt to store up perfectly useless items of information.
+What possible object can there be to my remembering that the
+engine which hauled us from Calais to Paris in 1865 was built by
+J. Cail of Paris, on the "Crampton" system; that is, that the axle
+of the big single driving-wheels did not run under the frame of
+the engine, but passed through the "cab" immediately under the
+pressure-gauge?--nor can any useful purpose be served in
+recalling that we crossed the Channel in the little steamer La
+France.
+
+In those days people of a certain class in England maintained far
+closer social relations with people of the corresponding class in
+France than is the custom now, and this was mutual. Society in
+both capitals was far smaller. My father and mother had many
+friends in Paris, and amongst the oldest of them were the Comte
+and Comtesse de Flahault. General de Flahault had been the
+personal aide-de-camp and trusted friend of Napoleon I. Some
+people, indeed, declared that his connection with Napoleon III.
+was of a far closer nature, for his great friendship with Queen
+Hortense was a matter of common knowledge. For some reason or
+another the old General took a fancy to me, and finding that I
+could talk French fluently, he used to take me to his room, stuff
+me with chocolate, and tell me about Napoleon's Russian campaign
+in 1812, in which he had taken part, I was then seven years old,
+and the old Comte must have been seventy-eight or so, but it is
+curious that I should have heard from the actual lips of a man who
+had taken part in it, the account of the battle of Borodino, of
+the entry of the French troops into Moscow, of the burning of
+Moscow, and of the awful sufferings the French underwent during
+their disastrous retreat from Moscow. General de Flahault had been
+present at the terrible carnage of the crossing of the Beresina on
+November 26, 1812, and had got both his feet frost-bitten there,
+whilst his faithful servant David had died from the effects of the
+cold. I wish that I could have been older then, or have had more
+historical knowledge, for it was a unique opportunity for
+acquiring information. I wish, too, that I could recall more of
+what M. de Flahault told me. I have quite vivid recollections of
+the old General himself, of the room in which we sat, and
+especially of the chocolates which formed so agreeable an
+accompaniment to our conversations. Still it remains an
+interesting link with the Napoleonic era. This is 1920; that was
+1812!
+
+I can never hear Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture" without thinking of
+General de Flahault. The present Lord Lansdowne is the Comte de
+Flahault's grandson.
+
+Nearly fifty years later another interesting link with the past
+was forged. I was dining with Prince and Princess Christian of
+Schleswig-Holstein at Schomberg House. When the ladies left the
+room after dinner, H. R. H. was good enough to ask me to sit next
+him. Some train of thought was at work in the Prince's mind, for
+he suddenly said, "Do you know that you are sitting next a man who
+once took Napoleon I.'s widow, the Empress Marie Louise, in to
+dinner?" and the Prince went on to say that as a youth of
+seventeen he had accompanied his father on a visit to the Emperor
+of Austria at Schonbrunn. On the occasion of a state dinner, one
+of the Austrian Archdukes became suddenly indisposed. Sooner than
+upset all the arrangements, the young Prince of Schleswig-Holstein
+was given the ex-Empress to lead in to dinner.
+
+I must again repeat that this is 1920. Napoleon married Marie
+Louise in 1810.
+
+Both my younger brother and I were absolutely fascinated by Paris,
+its streets and public gardens. As regards myself, something of
+the glamour of those days still remains; Paris is not quite to me
+as other towns, and I love its peculiar smell, which a
+discriminating nose would analyse as one-half wood-smoke, one-
+quarter roasting coffee, and one-quarter drains. During the
+eighteen years of the Second Empire, Paris reached a height of
+material prosperity and of dazzling brilliance which she has never
+known before nor since. The undisputed social capital of Europe,
+the equally undisputed capital of literature and art, the great
+pleasure-city of the world, she stood alone and without a rival.
+"La Ville Lumiere!" My mother remembered the Paris of her youth as
+a place of tortuous, abominably paved, dimly lit streets, poisoned
+with atrocious smells; this glittering town of palaces and broad
+white avenues was mainly the creation of Napoleon III. himself,
+aided by Baron Georges Haussmann and the engineer Adolphe Alphand,
+who between them evolved and made the splendid Paris that we know.
+
+We loved the Tuileries gardens, a most attractive place for
+children in those days. There were swings and merry-go-rounds;
+there were stalls where hot brioches and gaufres were to be
+bought; there were, above all, little marionette theatres where
+the most fascinating dramas were enacted. Our enjoyment of these
+performances was rather marred by our anxious nurse, who was
+always terrified lest there should be "something French" in the
+little plays; something quite unfitted for the eyes and ears of
+two staid little Britons. As the worthy woman was a most
+indifferent French scholar, we were often hurried away quite
+unnecessarily from the most innocuous performances when our
+faithful watch-dog scented the approach of "something French." All
+the shops attracted us, but especially the delightful toy-shops.
+Here, again, we were seldom allowed to linger, our trusty guardian
+being obsessed with the idea that the toy-shops might include
+amongst their wares "something French." She was perfectly right;
+there WAS often something "very French," but my brother and I had
+always seen it and noted it before we were moved off from the
+windows.
+
+I wonder if any "marchands de coco" still survive in Paris. "Coco"
+had nothing to do with cocoa, but was a most mawkish beverage
+compounded principally of liquorice and water. The attraction
+about it lay in the great tank the vendor carried strapped to his
+back. This tank was covered with red velvet and gold tinsel, and
+was surmounted with a number of little tinkling silver bells. In
+addition to that, the "marchand de coco" carried all over him
+dozens of silver goblets, or, at all events, goblets that looked
+like silver, in which he handed out his insipid brew. Who would
+not long to drink out of a silver cup a beverage that flowed out
+of a red and gold tank, covered with little silver bells, be it
+never so mawkish?
+
+The gardens of the Luxembourg were, if anything, even more
+attractive than the Tuileries gardens.
+
+Another delightful place for children was the Hippodrome, long
+since demolished and built over. It was a huge open-air stadium,
+where, in addition to ordinary circus performances, there were
+chariot-races and gladiatorial combats. The great attraction of
+the Hippodrome was that all the performers were driven into the
+arena in a real little Cinderella gilt coach, complete with four
+little ponies, a diminutive coachman, and two tiny little footmen.
+
+Talking of Cinderella, I always wonder that no one has pointed out
+the curious mistake the original translator of this story fell
+into. If any one will take the trouble to consult Perrault's
+Cendrillon in the original French, he or she will find that
+Cinderella went to the ball with her feet encased in "des
+pantoufles de vair." Now, vair means grey or white fur, ermine or
+miniver. The word is now obsolete, though it still survives in
+heraldry. The translator, misled by the similarity of sound
+between "vair" and "verre," rendered it "glass" instead of
+"ermine," and Cinderella's glass slippers have become a British
+tradition. What would "Cinderella" be as a pantomime without the
+scene where she triumphantly puts on her glass slipper? And yet, a
+little reflection would show that it would be about as easy to
+dance in a pair of glass slippers as it would in a pair of
+fisherman's waders.
+
+I remember well seeing Napoleon III. and the Empress Eugenie
+driving down the Rue de Rivoli on their return from the races at
+Longchamp. I and my brother were standing close to the edge of the
+pavement, and they passed within a few feet of us. They were
+driving in a char-a-banes--in French parlance, "attele a la
+Daumont"--that is, with four horses, of which the wheelers are
+driven from the box by a coachman, and the leaders ridden by a
+postilion. The Emperor and Empress were attended by an escort of
+mounted Cent-Gardes, and over the carriage there was a curious
+awning of light blue silk, with a heavy gold fringe, probably to
+shield the occupants from the sun at the races. I thought the
+Emperor looked very old and tired, but the Empress was still
+radiantly beautiful. My young brother, even then a bigoted little
+patriot, obstinately refused to take off his cap. "He isn't MY
+Emperor," he kept repeating, "and I won't do it." The shrill cries
+of "Vive l'Empereur!" seemed to me a very inadequate substitute
+for the full-throated cheers with which our own Queen was received
+when she drove through London. I used to hear the Emperor alluded
+to as "Badinguet" by the hall-porter of our hotel, who was a
+Royalist, and consequently detested the Bonapartes.
+
+My father had been on very friendly terms with Napoleon III., then
+Prince Louis Napoleon, during the period of his exile in London in
+1838, when he lived in King Street, St. James'. Prince Louis
+Napoleon acted as my father's "Esquire" at the famous Eglinton
+Tournament in August, 1839. The tournament, over which such a vast
+amount of trouble and expense had been lavished, was ruined by an
+incessant downpour of rain, which lasted four days. My father gave
+me as a boy the "Challenge Shield" with coat of arms, which hung
+outside his tent at the tournament, and that shield has always
+accompanied me in my wanderings. It hangs within a few feet of me
+as I write, as it hung forty-three years ago in my room in Berlin,
+and later in Petrograd, Lisbon, and Buenos Ayres.
+
+One of the great sights of Paris in the "sixties," whilst it was
+still gas-lighted, was the "cordon de lumiere de la Rue de
+Rivoli." As every one knows, the Rue de Rivoli is nearly two miles
+long, and runs perfectly straight, being arcaded throughout its
+length. In every arch of the arcades there hung then a gas lamp.
+At night the continuous ribbon of flame from these lamps,
+stretching in endless vista down the street, was a fascinatingly
+beautiful sight. Every French provincial who visited Paris was
+expected to admire the "cordon de lumiere de la Rue de Rivoli."
+Now that electricity has replaced gas, I fancy that the lamps are
+placed further apart, and so the effect of a continuous quivering
+band of yellow flame is lost. Equally every French provincial had
+to admire the "luxe de gaz" of the Place de la Concorde. It
+certainly blazed with gas, but now with electric arc-lamps there
+is double the light with less than a tenth of the number of old
+flickering gas-lamps; another example of quality vs. quantity.
+
+Most of my father and mother's French friends lived in the
+Faubourg Saint Germain. Their houses, though no doubt very fine
+for entertaining, were dark and gloomy in the daytime. Our little
+friends of my own age seemed all to inhabit dim rooms looking into
+courtyards, where, however, we were bidden to unbelievably
+succulent repasts, very different to the plain fare to which we
+were accustomed at home. Both my brother and myself were, I think,
+unconscious as to whether we were speaking English or French; we
+could express ourselves with equal facility in either language.
+When I first went to school, I could speak French as well as
+English, and it is a wonderful tribute to the efficient methods of
+teaching foreign languages practised in our English schools, that
+at the end of nine years of French lessons, both at a preparatory
+school and at Harrow, I had not forgotten much more than seventy-
+five per cent. of the French I knew when I went there. In the same
+way, after learning German at Harrow for two-and-a-half years, my
+linguistic attainments in that language were limited to two words,
+ja and nein. It is true that, for some mysterious reason, German
+was taught us at Harrow by a Frenchman who had merely a bowing
+acquaintanceship with the tongue.
+
+In 1865 the fastest train from Paris to the Riviera took twenty-
+six hours to accomplish the journey, and then was limited to
+first-class passengers. There were, of course, neither dining-cars
+nor sleeping cars, no heating, and no toilet accommodation. Eight
+people were jammed into a first-class compartment, faintly lit by
+the dim flicker of an oil-lamp, and there they remained. I
+remember that all the French ladies took off their bonnets or
+hats, and replaced them with thick knitted woollen hoods and capes
+combined, which they fastened tightly round their heads. They also
+drew on knitted woollen over-boots; these, I suppose, were
+remnants of the times, not very far distant then, when all-night
+journeys had frequently to be made in the diligence.
+
+The Riviera of 1865 was not the garish, flamboyant rendezvous of
+cosmopolitan finance, of ostentatious newly acquired wealth, and
+of highly decorative ladies which it has since become. Cannes, in
+particular, was a quiet little place of surpassing beauty,
+frequented by a few French and English people, most of whom were
+there on account of some delicate member of their families. We
+went there solely because my sister, Lady Mount Edgcumbe, had
+already been attacked by lung-disease, and to prolong her life it
+was absolutely necessary for her to winter in a warm climate. Lord
+Brougham, the ex-Lord Chancellor, had virtually created Cannes, as
+far as English people were concerned, and the few hotels there
+were still unpretentious and comfortable.
+
+Amongst the French boys of our own age with whom we played daily
+was Antoine de Mores, eldest son of the Duc de Vallombrosa. Later
+on in life the Marquis de Mores became a fanatical Anglophobe, and
+he lost his life leading an army of irregular Arab cavalry against
+the British forces in the Sudan; murdered, if I remember rightly,
+by his own men. Most regretfully do I attribute Antoine de Mores'
+violent Anglophobia to the very rude things I and my brother were
+in the habit of saying to him when we quarrelled, which happened
+on an average about four times a day.
+
+The favourite game of these French boys was something like our
+"King of the Castle," only that the victor had to plant his flag
+on the summit of the "Castle." Amongst our young friends were the
+two sons of the Duc Des Cars, a strong Legitimist, the Vallombrosa
+boy's family being Bonapartists. So whilst my brother and I
+naturally carried "Union Jacks," young Antoine de Mores had a
+tricolour, but the two Des Cars boys carried white silk flags,
+with a microscopic border of blue and red ribbon running down
+either side. One day, as boys will do, we marched through the town
+in procession with our flags, when the police stopped us and
+seized the young Des Cars' white banners, the display of the white
+flag of the Bourbons being then strictly forbidden in France. The
+Des Cars boys' abbe, or priest-tutor, pointed out to the police
+the narrow edging of red and blue on either side, and insisted on
+it that the flags were really tricolours, though the proportion in
+which the colours were displayed might be an unusual one. The
+three colours were undoubtedly there, so the police released the
+flags, though I feel sure that that abbe must have been a Jesuit.
+
+The Comte de Chambord (the Henri V. of the Legitimists) was
+virtually offered the throne of France in either 1874 or 1875, but
+all the negotiations failed because he obstinately refused to
+recognise the Tricolour, and insisted upon retaining the white
+flag of his ancestors. Any one with the smallest knowledge of the
+psychology of the French nation must have known that under no
+circumstances whatever would they consent to abandon their adored
+Tricolour. The Tricolour is part of themselves: it is a part of
+their very souls; it is more than a flag, it is almost a religion.
+I wonder that in 1875 it never occurred to any one to suggest to
+the Comte de Chambord the ingenious expedient of the Des Cars
+boys. The Tricolour would be retained as the national flag, but
+the King could have as his personal standard a white flag bordered
+with almost invisible bands of blue and red. Technically, it would
+still be a tricolour, and on the white expanse the golden fleur-
+de-lys of the Bourbons could be embroidered, or any other device.
+
+Even had the Comte de Chambord ascended the throne, I am convinced
+that his tenure of it as Henri V. would have been a very brief
+one, given the temperament of the French nation.
+
+My youngest brother managed to contract typhoid fever at Cannes
+about this time, and during his convalescence he was moved to an
+hotel standing on much higher ground than our villa, on account of
+the fresher air there. A Madame Goldschmidt was staying at this
+hotel, and she took a great fancy to the little fellow, then about
+six years old. On two occasions I found Madame Goldschmidt in my
+brother's room, singing to him in a voice as sweet and spontaneous
+as a bird's. My brother was a very highly favoured little mortal,
+for Madame Goldschmidt was no other than the world-famous Jenny
+Lind, the incomparable songstress who had had all Europe at her
+feet. She had then retired from the stage for some years, but her
+voice was as sweet as ever. The nineteenth century was fortunate
+in having produced two such peerless singers as Adelina Patti and
+Jenny Lind, "the Swedish Nightingale." The present generation are
+not likely to hear their equals. Both these great singers had that
+same curious bird-like quality in their voices; they sang without
+any effort in crystal-clear tones, as larks sing.
+
+In 1865 it was announced that there would be a great regatta at
+Cannes in the spring of 1866, and that the Emperor Napoleon would
+give a special prize for the open rowing (not sculling)
+championship of the Mediterranean. We further learnt that the
+whole of the French Mediterranean fleet would be at Villefranche
+at the time, and that picked oarsmen from the fleet would compete
+for the championship. My father at once determined to win this
+prize; the idea became a perfect obsession with him, and he
+determined to have a special boat built. When we returned to
+England, he went to Oxford and entered into long consultations
+with a famous boat-builder there. The boat, a four-oar, had to be
+built on special lines. She must be light and fast, yet capable of
+withstanding a heavy sea, for off Cannes the Mediterranean can be
+very lumpy indeed, and it would be obviously inconvenient to have
+the boat swamped, and her crew all drowned. The boat-builder
+having mastered the conditions, felt certain that he could turn
+out the craft required, which my father proposed to stroke
+himself.
+
+When we returned to Cannes in 1866, the completed boat was sent
+out by sea, and we saw her released from her casing with immense
+interest. She was christened in due form, with a bottle of
+champagne, by our first cousin, the venerable Lady de Ros, and
+named the Abercorn. Lady de Ros was a daughter of the Duke of
+Richmond, and had been present at the famous ball in Brussels on
+the eve of Waterloo in 1815; a ball given by her father in honour
+of her youngest sister.
+
+The crew then went into serious training. Bow was Sir David
+Erskine, for many years Sergeant-at-Arms of the House of Commons;
+No. 2, my brother-in-law, Lord Mount Edgcumbe; No. 3, General Sir
+George Higginson, with my father as stroke. Lord Elphinstone, who
+had been in the Navy early in life, officiated as coxswain. But my
+father was then fifty-five years old, and he soon found out that
+his heart was no longer equal to the strain to which so long and
+so very arduous a course (three miles), in rough water, would
+subject it. As soon as he realised that his age might militate
+against the chance of his crew winning, he resigned his place in
+the boat in favour of Sir George Higginson, who was replaced as
+No. 3 by Mr. Meysey-Clive. My father took Lord Elphinstone's place
+as coxswain, but here, again, his weight told against him. He was
+over six feet high and proportionately broad, and he brought the
+boat's stern too low down in the water, so Lord Elphinstone was
+re-installed, and my father most reluctantly had to content
+himself with the role of a spectator, in view of his age. The crew
+dieted strictly, ran in the mornings, and went to bed early. They
+were none of them in their first youth, for Sir George Higginson
+was then forty; Sir David Erskine was twenty-eight; my brother-in-
+law, Lord Mount Edgcumbe, thirty-four; and Lord Elphinstone
+thirty-eight.
+
+The great day of the race arrived. We met with one signal piece of
+ill-luck. Our No. 3, Mr. Meysey-Clive, had gone on board the
+French flagship, and was unable to get ashore again in time, so at
+the very last minute a young Oxford rowing-man, the late Mr.
+Philip Green, volunteered to replace him, though he was not then
+in training. The French men-of-war produced huge thirty-oared
+galleys, with two men at each oar. There were also smaller twenty
+and twelve-oared boats, but not a single "four" but ours. The sea
+was heavy and lumpy, the course was five kilometres (three miles),
+and there was a fresh breeze blowing off the land. Our little
+mahogany Oxford-built boat, lying very low in the water, looked
+pitiably small beside the great French galleys. It wasn't even
+David and Goliath, it was as though "Little Tich" stood up to
+Georges Carpentier. We saw the race from a sailing yacht; my
+father absolutely beside himself with excitement.
+
+Off they went! The French galleys lumbering along at a great pace,
+their crews pulling a curiously short stroke, and their coxswains
+yelling "En avant, mes braves!" with all the strength of their
+lungs. It must have been very like the boat-race Virgil describes
+in the fifth book of the Aeneid. There was the "huge Chimaera" the
+"mighty Centaur" and possibly even the "dark-blue Scylla" with
+their modern counterparts of Gyas, Sergestus, and Cloanthus,
+bawling just as lustily as doubtless those coxswains of old
+shouted; no one, however, struck on the rocks, as we are told the
+unfortunate "Centaur" did. Still the little mahogany-built
+Abercorn continued to forge ahead of her unwieldy French
+competitors. The Frenchmen splashed and spurted nobly, but the
+little Oxford-built boat increased her lead, her silken "Union
+Jack" trailing in the water. All the muscles of the French fleet
+came into play; the admiral's barge churned the water into
+creaming foam; "mes braves" were incited to superhuman exertions;
+in spite of it all, the Abercorn shot past the mark-boat, a winner
+by a length and a half.
+
+My father was absolutely frantic with delight. We reached the
+shore long before our crew did, for they had to return to receive
+the judge's formal award. He ceremoniously decorated our boat's
+bows with a large laurel-wreath, and so--her stem adorned with
+laurels, and the large silk "Union Jack" trailing over her stern--
+the little mahogany Oxford-built boat paddled through the lines of
+her French competitors. I am sorry to have to record that the
+French took their defeat in a most unsportsmanlike fashion; the
+little Abercorn was received all down the line with storms of
+hoots and hisses. Possibly we, too, might feel annoyed if, say at
+Portsmouth, in a regatta in which all the crack oarsmen of the
+British Home Fleet were competing, a French four should suddenly
+appear from nowhere, and walk off with the big prize of the day.
+Still, the conditions of the Cannes regatta were clear; this was
+an open race, open to any nationality, and to any rowing craft of
+any size or build, though the result was thought a foregone
+certainty for the French naval crews.
+
+Our crew were terribly exhausted when they landed. They had had a
+very very severe pull, in a heavy sea, and with a strong head-wind
+against them, and most of them were no longer young; still, after
+a bath and a change of clothing, and, quite possibly, a brandy-
+and-soda or two (nobody ever drank whisky in the "sixties"), they
+pulled themselves together again. It was Lord Mount Edgcumbe who
+first suggested that as there was an afternoon dance that day at
+the Cercle Nautique de la Mediterranee, they should all adjourn to
+the club and dance vigorously, just to show what sturdy, hard-
+bitten dogs they were, to whom a strenuous three-mile pull in a
+heavy sea was a mere trifle, even though some of them were forty
+years old. So off we all went to the Cercle, and I well remember
+seeing my brother-in-law and Sir George Higginson gyrating wildly
+and ceaselessly round the ball-room, tired out though they were.
+Between ourselves, our French friends were immensely impressed
+with this exhibition of British vigour, and almost forgave our
+boat for having won the rowing championship of the Mediterranean.
+
+At the Villa Beaulieu where we lived, there were immense
+rejoicings that night. Of course all our crew dined there, and I
+was allowed to come down to dinner myself. Toasts were proposed;
+healths were drunk again and again. Speeches were made, and the
+terrific cheering must have seriously weakened the rafters and
+roof of the house. No one grudged my father his immense
+satisfaction, for after all he had originated the idea of winning
+the championship of the Mediterranean, and had had the boat built
+at his sole expense, and it was not his defects as an oarsman but
+his fifty-five years which had prevented him from stroking his own
+boat.
+
+Long after I had been sent to bed, I heard the uproar from below
+continuing, and, in the strictest confidence, I have every reason
+to believe that they made a real night of it.
+
+Two of that crew are still alive. Gallant old Sir George Higginson
+was born in 1826, consequently the General is now ninety-four
+years of age. The splendid old veteran's mental faculties are as
+acute as ever; he is not afflicted with deafness and he is still
+upright as a dart, though his eyesight has failed him. It is to
+Sir George and to Sir David Erskine that I am indebted for the
+greater portion of the details concerning this boat-race of 1866,
+and of its preliminaries, for many of these would not have come
+within the scope of my knowledge at nine years of age.
+
+Sir David Erskine, the other member of the crew still surviving,
+ex-Sergeant-at-Arms, was a most familiar, respected, and greatly
+esteemed personality to all those who have sat in the House of
+Commons during the last forty years. I might perhaps have put it
+more strongly; for he was invariably courteous, and such a great
+gentleman. Sir David was born in 1838, consequently he is now
+eighty-two years old.
+
+One of my brothers has still in his keeping a very large gold
+medal. One side of it bears the effigy of "Napoleon III., Empereur
+des Francais." The other side testifies that it is the "Premier
+Prix d'Avirons de la Mediterrannee, 1866." The ugly hybrid word
+"Championnat" for "Championship" had not then been acclimatised in
+France.
+
+Shortly after the boat-race, being now nine years old, I went home
+to England to go to school.
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+
+A new departure--A Dublin hotel in the "sixties"--The Irish mail
+service--The wonderful old paddle mail-boats--The convivial
+waiters of the Munster--The Viceregal Lodge-Indians and pirates--
+The imagination of youth--A modest personal ambition--Death-
+warrants; imaginary and real--The Fenian outbreak of 1866-7--The
+Abergele railway accident--A Dublin Drawing-Room--Strictly private
+ceremonials--Some of the amenities of the Chapel Royal--An
+unbidden spectator of the State dinners--Irish wit--Judge Keogh--
+Father Healy--Happy Dublin knack of nomenclature--An unexpected
+honour and its cause--Incidents of the Fenian rising--Dr.
+Hatchell--A novel prescription--Visit of King Edward--Gorgeous
+ceremonial but a chilly drive--An anecdote of Queen Alexandra.
+
+ Upon returning from school for my first holidays, I learnt that
+my father had been appointed Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, and that
+we were in consequence to live now for the greater portion of the
+year in Dublin.
+
+We were all a little doubtful as to how we should like this new
+departure. Dublin was, of course, fairly familiar to us from our
+stays there, when we travelled to and from the north of Ireland.
+Some of the minor customs of the "sixties" seem so remote now that
+it may be worth while recalling them. In common with most Ulster
+people, we always stayed at the Bilton Hotel in Dublin, a fine old
+Georgian house in Sackville Street. Everything at the Bilton was
+old, solid, heavy, and eminently respectable. All the plate was of
+real Georgian silver, and all the furniture in the big gloomy
+bedrooms was of solid, not veneered, mahogany. Quite invariably my
+father was received in the hall, on arrival, by the landlord, with
+a silver candlestick in his hand. The landlord then proceeded
+ceremoniously to "light us upstairs" to a sitting-room on the
+first floor, although the staircase was bright with gas. This was
+a survival from the eighteenth century, when staircases and
+passages in inns were but dimly lit; but it was an attention that
+was expected. In the same way, when dinner was ready in our
+sitting-room, the landlord always brought in the silver soup-
+tureen with his own hands, placed it ceremoniously before my
+father, and removed the cover with a great flourish; after which
+he retired, and left the rest to the waiter. This was another
+traditional attention.
+
+Towards the end of dinner it became my father's turn to repay
+these civilities. Though he himself very rarely touched wine, he
+would look down the wine-list until he found a peculiarly
+expensive port. This he would order for what was then termed "the
+good of the house." When this choice product of the Bilton bins
+made its appearance, wreathed in cobwebs, in a wicker cradle, my
+father would send the waiter with a message to the landlord, "My
+compliments to Mr. Massingberg, and will he do me the favour of
+drinking a glass of wine with me." So the landlord would reappear,
+and, sitting down opposite my father, they would solemnly dispose
+of the port, and let us trust that it never gave either of them
+the faintest twinge of gout. These little mutual attentions were
+then expected on both sides. Neither my father nor mother ever
+used the word "hotel" in speaking of any hostelry in the United
+Kingdom. Like all their contemporaries, they always spoke of an
+"inn."
+
+In 1860 a new contract had been signed with the Post Office by the
+London and North-Western Railway and the City of Dublin Steam-
+Packet Co., by which they jointly undertook to convey the mails
+between London and Dublin in eleven hours. Up to 1860, the time
+occupied by the journey was from fourteen to sixteen hours.
+Everything in this world being relative, this was rapidity itself
+compared to the five days my uncle, Lord John Russell, the future
+Prime Minister, spent on the journey in 1806. He was then a
+schoolboy at Westminster, his father, the sixth Duke of Bedford,
+being Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland. My uncle, who kept a diary from
+his earliest days, gives an account of this journey in it. He
+spent three days going by stage-coach to Holyhead, sleeping on the
+way at Coventry and Chester, and thirty-eight hours crossing the
+Channel in a sailing-packet. The wind shifting, the packet had to
+land her passengers at Balbriggan, twenty-one miles north of
+Dublin, from which my uncle took a special post-chaise to Dublin,
+presenting his glad parents, on his arrival, with a bill for L31
+16s., a nice fare for a boy of fourteen to pay for going home for
+his holidays!
+
+In order to fulfil the terms of the 1860 contract, the mail-trains
+had to cover the 264 miles between London and Holyhead at an
+average rate of 42 miles per hour; an unprecedented speed in those
+days. People then thought themselves most heroic in entrusting
+their lives to a train that travelled with such terrific velocity
+as the "Wild Irishman." It was to meet this acceleration that Mr.
+Ramsbottom, the Locomotive Superintendent of the London and North-
+Western Railway, devised a scheme for laying water-troughs between
+the rails, by which the engine could pick up water through a scoop
+whilst running. I have somewhere seen this claimed as an American
+innovation, but the North-Western engines have been picking up
+water daily now ever since 1861; nearly sixty years ago.
+
+The greatest improvement, however, was effected in the cross-
+Channel passage. To accomplish the sixty-five miles between
+Holyhead and Kingstown in the contract time of four hours, the
+City of Dublin Co. built four paddle-vessels, far exceeding any
+cross-Channel steamer then afloat in tonnage, speed and
+accommodation. They were over three hundred feet in length, of two
+thousand tons burden, and had a speed of fifteen knots. Of these
+the Munster, Connaught, and Ulster were built by Laird of
+Birkenhead, while the Leinster was built in London by Samuda.
+These boats were most elaborately and comfortably fitted up, and
+many people of my age, who were in the habit of travelling
+constantly to Ireland, retain a feeling of almost personal
+affection for those old paddle-wheel mailboats which carried them
+so often in safety across St. George's Channel. It is possible
+that this feeling may be stronger in those who, like myself, are
+unaffected by sea-sickness. I think that we all took a pride in
+the finest Channel steamers then afloat, and, as a child, I was
+always conscious of a little added dignity and an extra ray of
+reflected glory when crossing in the Leinster or the Connaught,
+for they had four funnels each. I think that I am correct in
+saying that these splendid seaboats never missed one single
+passage, whatever the weather, for nearly forty years, until they
+were superseded by the present three thousand tons, twenty-four
+knot twin-screw boats. The old paddle-wheelers were rejuvenated in
+1883, when they were fitted with forced draught, and their paddles
+were submerged deeper, giving them an extra speed of two knots.
+Their engines being "simple," they consumed a perfectly ruinous
+amount of coal, sixty-four tons for the round trip; considerably
+more than the coal consumption of the present twenty-four
+knotters.
+
+In the "sixties" a new Lord-Lieutenant crossed in a special mail-
+steamer, for which he had the privilege of paying.
+
+When my father went over to be sworn-in, we arrived at Holyhead in
+the evening, and on going on board the special steamer Munster, we
+found a sumptuous supper awaiting us.
+
+There is an incident connected with that supper of which, of
+course, I knew nothing at the time, but which was told me more
+than thirty years after by Mrs. Campbell, the comely
+septuagenarian head-stewardess of the Munster, who had been in the
+ship for forty-four years. Most habitual travelers to Ireland will
+cherish very kindly recollections of genial old Mrs. Campbell,
+with her wonderfully fresh complexion and her inexhaustible fund
+of stories.
+
+It appears that the supper had been supplied by a firm of Dublin
+caterers, who sent four of their own waiters with it, much to the
+indignation of the steward's staff, who resented this as a slight
+on their professional abilities.
+
+Mrs. Campbell told me the story in some such words as these:
+
+"About ten minutes before your father, the new Lord-Lieutenant,
+was expected, the chiefs-steward put his head into the ladies'
+cabin and called out to me, 'Mrs. Campbell, ma'am! For the love of
+God come into the saloon this minute.' 'What is it, then, Mr.
+Murphy?' says I. 'Wait till ye see,' says he. So I go into the
+saloon where there was the table set out for supper, so grand that
+ye wouldn't believe it, and them four Dublin waiters was all lying
+dead-drunk on the saloon floor.
+
+"'I put out the spirit decanters on the supper-table,' says Mr.
+Murphy, 'and see! Them Dublin waiters have every drop of it drunk
+on me,' he goes on, showing me the empty decanters. 'They have
+three bottles of champagne drunk on me besides. What will we do
+with them now? The new Lord Lieutenant may be arriving this
+minute, and we have no time to move the drunk waiters for'ard.
+Will we put them in the little side-cabins here?' 'Ah then!' says
+I, 'and have them roaring and shouting, and knocking the place
+down maybe in half an hour or so? I'm surprised at ye, Mr. Murphy.
+We'll put the drunk waiters under the saloon table, and you must
+get another table-cloth. We'll pull it down on both sides, the way
+the feet of them will not show." So I call up two stewards and the
+boys from the pantry, and we get the drunk waiters arranged as
+neat as herrings in a barrel under the saloon table. Mr. Murphy
+and I put on the second cloth, pulling it right down to the floor,
+and ye wouldn't believe the way we worked, setting out the dishes,
+and the flowers and the swatemates on the table. 'Now,' says I,
+'for the love of God let none of them sit down at the table, or
+they'll feel the waiters with their feet. Lave it to me to get His
+Excellency out of this, and then hurry the drunk waiters away!'
+And I spoke a word to the boys in the pantry. 'Boys,' says I, 'as
+ye value your salvation, keep up a great clatteration here by
+dropping the spoons and forks about, the way they'll not hear it
+if the drunk waiters get snoring,' and then the thrain arrives,
+and we run up to meet His Excellency your father.
+
+"We went down to the saloon for a moment, and every one says that
+they never saw the like of that for a supper, the boys in the
+pantry keeping up such a clatteration by tumbling the spoons and
+forks about, that ye'd think the bottom of the ship would drop out
+with the noise of it all. Then I said, 'Supper will not be ready
+for ten minutes, your Excellency'--though God forgive me if every
+bit of it was not on the table that minute. 'Would you kindly see
+if the sleeping accommodation is commodious enough, for we'll
+alter it if it isn't?' and so I get them all out of that, and I
+kept talking of this, and of that, the Lord only knows what, till
+Mr. Murphy comes up and says, 'Supper is ready, your Excellency,'
+giving me a look out of the tail of his eye as much as to say,
+'Glory be! We have them drunk waiters safely out of that.'"
+
+Of course I knew nothing of the convivial waiters, but I retain
+vivid recollections of the splendours of the supper-table, and of
+the "swatemates," for I managed to purloin a whole pocketful of
+preserved ginger and other good things from it, without being
+noticed.
+
+We arrived at Kingstown in the early morning, and anchored in the
+harbour, but, by a polite fiction, the Munster was supposed to be
+absolutely invisible to ordinary eyes, for the new Lord-
+Lieutenant's official time of arrival from England was 11 a.m.
+Accordingly, every one being arrayed in their very best for the
+State entry into Dublin, the Munster got up steam and crept out of
+the harbour (still, of course, completely invisible), to cruise
+about a little, and to re-enter the harbour (obviously direct from
+England) amidst the booming of twenty-one guns from the guardship,
+a vast display of bunting, and a tornado of cheering.
+
+Unfortunately, it had come on to blow; there was a very heavy sea
+outside, and the Munster had an unrivalled opportunity for showing
+off her agility, and of exhibiting her unusual capacity for
+pitching and rolling. My youngest brother and I have never been
+affected by sea-sickness; the ladies, however, had a very
+unpleasing half-hour, though it must be rather a novel and amusing
+experience to succumb to this malady when arrayed in the very
+latest creations of a Paris dressmaker and milliner; still I fear
+that neither my mother nor my sisters can have been looking quite
+their best when we landed amidst an incredible din of guns,
+whistles and cheering.
+
+My father, as was the custom then, made his entry into Dublin on
+horseback. Since he had to keep his right hand free to remove his
+hat every minute or so, in acknowledgment of his welcome, and as
+his horse got alarmed by the noise, the cheering, and the waving
+of flags, he managed to give a very pretty exhibition of
+horsemanship.
+
+By the way, Irish cheering is a thing sui generis. In place of the
+deep-throated, reverberating English cheer, it is a long, shrill,
+sustained note, usually very high-pitched.
+
+The State entry into Dublin was naturally the first occasion on
+which I had ever driven through streets lined with soldiers and
+gay with bunting. If I remember right, I accepted most of it as a
+tribute to my own small person.
+
+On arriving at the Viceregal Lodge in the Phoenix Park, my brother
+and I were much relieved at finding that we were not expected to
+live perpetually surrounded by men in full uniform and by ladies
+in smart dresses, as we had gathered that we were fated to do
+during the morning's ceremonies at Dublin Castle.
+
+The Viceregal Lodge is a large, unpretentious, but most
+comfortable house, standing in really beautiful grounds. The 160
+acres of its enclosure have been laid out with such skill as to
+appear to the eye double or treble the extent they actually are.
+The great attraction to my brother and me lay in a tract of some
+ten acres of woodland which had been allowed to run entirely wild.
+We soon peopled this very satisfactorily with two tribes of Red
+Indians, two bands of peculiarly bloodthirsty robbers, a
+sufficiency of bears, lions and tigers, and an appalling man-
+eating dragon. I fear that in view of the size of the little wood,
+these imported inhabitants must have had rather cramped quarters.
+
+The enacting of the role of a Red Indian "brave" was necessarily a
+little fatiguing, for according to Fenimore Cooper, our guide in
+these matters, it was essential to keep up an uninterrupted series
+of guttural grunts of "Ug! Ug!" the invariable manner in which his
+"braves" prefaced their remarks.
+
+There was perhaps little need for the imaginary menagerie, for the
+Dublin Zoological Gardens adjoined the "Lodge" grounds, and were
+accessible to us at any time with a private key. The Dublin Zoo
+had always been very successful in breeding lions, and derived a
+large amount of their income from the sale of the cubs. They
+consequently kept a number of lions, and the roaring of these
+lions at night was very audible at the Viceregal Lodge, only a
+quarter of a mile away. When I told the boys at school, with
+perfect truth, that in Dublin I was nightly lulled to sleep by the
+gentle roaring of lions round my couch, I was called a young liar.
+
+There is a pretty lake inside the Viceregal grounds. My two elder
+brothers were certain that they had seen wild duck on this lake in
+the early morning, so getting up in the dusk of a December
+morning, they crept down to the lake with their guns. With the
+first gleam of dawn, they saw that there were plenty of wild fowl
+on the water, and they succeeded in shooting three or four of
+them. When daylight came, they retrieved them with a boat, but
+were dismayed at finding that these birds were neither mallards,
+nor porchards, nor any known form of British duck; their
+colouring, too, seemed strangely brilliant. Then they remembered
+the neighbouring Zoo, with its ornamental ponds covered with rare
+imported and exotic waterfowl, and they realised what they had
+done. It is quite possible that they had killed some unique
+specimens, imported at fabulous cost from Central Africa, or from
+the heart of the Australian continent, some priceless bird that
+was the apple of the eye of the Curator of the Gardens, so we
+buried the episode and the birds, in profound secrecy.
+
+For my younger brother and myself, this lake had a different
+attraction, for, improbable as it may seem, it was the haunt of a
+gang of most abandoned pirates. Behind a wooded island, but quite
+invisible to the adult eye, the pirate craft lay, conforming in
+the most orthodox fashion to the descriptions in Ballantyne's
+books: "a schooner with a long, low black hull, and a suspicious
+rake to her masts. The copper on her bottom had been burnished
+till it looked like gold, and the black flag, with the skull and
+cross-bones, drooped lazily from her peak."
+
+The presence of this band of desperadoes entailed the utmost
+caution and watchfulness in the neighbourhood of the lake.
+Unfortunately, we nearly succeeded in drowning some young friends
+of ours, whom we persuaded to accompany us in an attack on the
+pirates' stronghold. We embarked on a raft used for cutting weeds,
+but no sooner had we shoved off than the raft at once, most
+inconsiderately, sank to the bottom of the lake with us. Being
+Christmas time, the water was not over-warm, and we had some
+difficulty in extricating our young friends. Their parents made
+the most absurd fuss about their sons having been forced to take a
+cold bath in mid-December in their best clothes. Clearly we could
+not be held responsible for the raft failing to prove sea-worthy,
+though my youngest brother, even then a nice stickler for correct
+English, declared, that, given the circumstances, the proper
+epithet was "lake-worthy."
+
+What a wonderful dream-world the child can create for himself, and
+having fashioned it and peopled it, he can inhabit his creation in
+perfect content quite regardless of his material surroundings,
+unless some grown-up, with his matter-of-fact bluntness, happens
+to break the spell.
+
+I have endeavoured to express this peculiar faculty of the child's
+in rather halting blank verse. I apologise for giving it here, as
+I make no claim to be able to write verse. My only excuse must be
+that my lines attempt to convey what every man and woman must have
+felt, though probably the average person would express himself in
+far better language than I am able to command.
+
+    "Eheu fugaces Postume! Postume!
+    Labuntur anni.
+
+    "The memories of childhood are a web
+    Of gossamer, most infinitely frail
+    And tender, shot with gleaming threads of gold
+    And silver, through the iridescent weft
+    Of subtlest tints of azure and of rose;
+    Woven of fragile nothings, yet most dear,
+    As binding us to that dim, far-off time,
+    When first our lungs inhaled the fragrance sweet
+    Of a new world, where all was bright and fair.
+    As we approach the end of mortal things,
+    The band of comrades ever smaller grows;
+    For those who have not shared our trivial round,
+    Nor helped with us to forge its many links,
+    Can only listen with dull, wearied mind.
+    Some few there are on whom the gods bestowed
+    The priceless gift of sympathy, and they,
+    Though knowing not themselves, yet understand.
+    So guard the fragile fabric rolled away
+    In the sweet-scented chests of memory,
+    Careful lest one uncomprehending soul
+    Should, thoughtless, rend the filmy texture frail
+    Into a thousand fragments, and destroy
+    The precious relic of the golden dawn
+    Of life, when all the unknown future lay
+    Bathed in unending sunlight, and the heights
+    Of manhood, veiled in distant purple haze,
+    Offered ten thousand chances of success.
+    But why the future, when the present seemed
+    A flower-decked meadow in eternal spring?
+    When every woodland glade its secrets told
+    To us, and us alone. The grown-up eye
+    Saw sun-flecked oaks, and tinkling, fern-fringed stream,
+    Nor knew that 'neath their shade most doughty Knights
+    Daily rode forth to deeds of chivalry;
+    And ruthless ruffians waged relentless war
+    On those who strayed (without the Talisman
+    Which turned their fury into impotence)
+    Into those leafy depths nor dreamed there lurked
+    Concealed amidst the bosky dells unseen,
+    Grim dragons spouting instant death; nor feared
+    The placid lake, along whose reed-fringed shore
+    Bold Buccaneers swooped down upon their prey.
+    Which things were hidden from maturer eyes.
+    To those who breathed the freshness of the morn,
+    Endless romance; to others, common things.
+    For to the Child is given to spin a web
+    Of golden glamour o'er the everyday.
+
+    Happy is he who can, in spite of years,
+    Retain at times the spirit of the Child."
+
+My own personal ambition at that period was a modest one. My
+mother always drove out in Dublin in a carriage-and-four, with
+postilions and two out-riders. We had always used black carriage-
+horses, and East, the well-known job-master, had provided us for
+Dublin with twenty-two splendid blacks, all perfect matches. Our
+family colour being crimson, the crimson barouche, with the six
+blacks and our own black and crimson liveries, made a very smart
+turn-out indeed. O'Connor, the wheeler-postilion, a tiny little
+wizened elderly man, took charge of the carriage, and directed the
+outriders at turnings by a code of sharp whistles. It was my
+consuming ambition to ride leader-postilion to my mother's
+carriage, and above all to wear the big silver coat-of-arms our
+postilions had strapped to the left sleeves of their short jackets
+on a broad crimson band. I went to O'Connor in the stable-yard,
+and consulted him as to my chance of obtaining the coveted berth.
+O'Connor was distinctly encouraging. He thought nine rather young
+for a postilion, but when I had grown a little, and had gained
+more experience, he saw no insuperable objections to my obtaining
+the post. The leader-postilion was O'Connor's nephew, a smart-
+looking, light-built boy of seventeen, named Byrne. Byrne was less
+hopeful about my chance. He assured me that such a rare
+combination of physical and intellectual qualities were required
+for a successful leader-rider, that it was but seldom that they
+were found, as in his case, united in the same person. That my
+mother had met with no accident whilst driving was solely due to
+his own consummate skill, and his wonderful presence of mind.
+Little Byrne, however, was quite affable, and allowed me to try on
+his livery, including the coveted big silver arm-badge and his
+top-boots. In my borrowed plumes I gave the stablemen to
+understand that I was as good as engaged already as postilion.
+Byrne informed me of some of the disadvantages of the position.
+"The heart in ye would be broke at all the claning them leathers
+requires." I was also told that after an extra long drive, "ye'd
+come home that tired that ye'd be thinking ye were losing your
+life, and not knowing if ye had a leg left to ye at all."
+
+I often drove with my mother, and when we had covered more ground
+than usual, upon arriving home, I always ran round to the leaders
+to inquire anxiously if my friend little Byrne "had a leg left to
+him, or if he had lost his life," and was much relieved at finding
+him sitting on his horse in perfect health, with his normal
+complement of limbs encased in white leathers. I believe that I
+expected his legs to drop off on the road from sheer fatigue.
+
+I knew, of course, that the Lord-Lieutenant had to confirm all
+death-sentences in Ireland. From much reading of Harrison
+Ainsworth, I insisted on calling the documents connected with
+this, "death-warrants." I begged and implored my father to let me
+see a "death-warrant." He told me that there was nothing to see,
+but I went on insisting, until one day he told me that I might see
+one of these gruesome documents. To avoid any misplaced sympathy
+with the condemned man, I may say that it was a peculiarly brutal
+murder. A man at Cork had kicked his wife to death, and had then
+battered her into a shapeless mass with the poker. I went into my
+father's study on the tip-toe of expectation. I pictured the
+Private Secretary coming in slowly, probably draped for the
+occasion in a long black cloak, and holding a white handkerchief
+to his eyes. In his hand he would bear an immense sheet of paper
+surrounded by a three-inch black border. It would be headed DEATH
+in large letters, with perhaps a skull-and-crossbones below it,
+and from it would depend three ominous black seals attached by
+black ribbons. The Secretary would naturally hesitate before
+presenting so awful a document to my father, who, in his turn,
+would exhibit a little natural emotion when receiving it. At that
+moment my mother, specially dressed in black for the occasion,
+would burst into the room, and falling on her knees, with
+streaming eyes and outstretched arms, she would plead passionately
+for the condemned man's life. My father, at first obdurate, would
+gradually be melted by my mother's entreaties. Turning aside to
+brush away a furtive and not unmanly tear, he would suddenly tear
+the death-warrant to shreds, and taking up another huge placard
+headed REPRIEVE, he would quickly fill it in and sign it. He would
+then hand it to the Private Secretary, who would instantly start
+post-haste for Cork. As the condemned man was being actually
+conducted to the scaffold, the Private Secretary would appear,
+brandishing the liberating document. All then would be joy, except
+for the executioner, who would grind his teeth at being baulked of
+his prey at the last minute.
+
+That is, at all events, the way it would have happened in a book.
+As it was, the Private Secretary came in just as usual, carrying
+an ordinary official paper, precisely similar to dozens of other
+official papers lying about the room.
+
+"It is the Cork murder case, sir," he said in his everyday voice.
+"The sentence has to be confirmed by you."
+
+"A bad business, Dillon," said my father. "I have seen the Chief
+Justice about it twice, and I have consulted the Judge who tried
+the case, and the Solicitor and the Attorney-General. I am afraid
+that there are no mitigating circumstances whatever. I shall
+certainly confirm it," and he wrote across the official paper,
+"Let the law take its course," and appended his signature, and
+that was all!
+
+Could anything be more prosaic? What a waste of an unrivalled
+dramatic situation.
+
+When I returned home for the Christmas holidays in 1866, the
+Fenian rebellion had already broken out. The authorities had
+reason to believe that the Vice-regal Lodge would be attacked,
+and various precautions had been taken. Both guards and sentries
+were doubled; four light field-guns stood in the garden, and a row
+of gas-lamps had been installed there. Stands of arms made their
+appearance in the passages upstairs, which were patrolled all
+night by constables in rubber-soled boots, but the culminating joy
+to my brother and me lay in the four loopholes with which the
+walls of the bed-room we jointly occupied were pierced. The room
+projected beyond the front of the main building, and was
+accordingly a strategic point, but to have four real loopholes,
+closed with wooden shutters, in the walls of our own bedroom was
+to the two small urchins a source of immense pride. The boys at
+school were hideously jealous of our loopholes when they heard of
+them, though they affected to despise any one who, enjoying such
+undreamed-of opportunities, had, on his own confession, failed to
+take advantage of them, and had never even fired through the
+loopholes, nor attempted to kill any one through them.
+
+The Fenians were supposed to have the secret of a mysterious
+combustible known as "Greek Fire" which was unquenchable by water.
+I think that "Greek Fire" was nothing more or less than ordinary
+petroleum, which was practically unknown in Europe in 1866, though
+from personal experience I can say that it was well known in 1868,
+in which year my mother, three sisters, two brothers and myself
+narrowly escaped being burnt to death, when the Irish mail, in
+which we were travelling, collided with a goods train loaded with
+petroleum at Abergele, North Wales, an accident which resulted in
+thirty-four deaths.
+
+Terrible as were the results of the Abergele accident, they might
+have been more disastrous still, for both lines were torn up, and
+the up Irish mail from Holyhead, which would be travelling at a
+great pace down the steep bank from Llandulas, was due at any
+moment. The front guard of our train had been killed by the
+collision, and the rear guard was seriously hurt, so there was no
+one to give orders. It occurred at once to my eldest brother, the
+late Duke, that as the train was standing on a sharp incline, the
+uninjured carriages would, if uncoupled, roll down the hill of
+their own accord. He and some other passengers accordingly managed
+to undo the couplings, and the uninjured coaches, detached from
+the burning ones, glided down the incline into safety. From the
+half-stunned guard my brother learned that the nearest signal-box
+was at Llandulas, a mile away. He ran there at the top of his
+speed, and arrived in time to get the up Irish mail and all other
+traffic stopped. On his return my brother had a prolonged
+fainting fit, as the strain on his heart had been very great. It
+took the doctors over an hour to bring him round, and we all
+thought that he had died.
+
+I was eleven years old at the time, and the shock of the
+collision, the sight of the burning coaches, the screams of the
+women, the wreckage, and my brother's narrow escape from death,
+affected me for some little while afterwards.
+
+It was the custom then for the Lord-Lieutenant to live for three
+months of the winter at the Castle, where a ceaseless round of
+entertainments went on. The Castle was in the heart of Dublin, and
+only boasted a dull little smoke-blackened garden in the place of
+the charming grounds of the Lodge, still there was plenty going on
+there. A band played daily in the Castle Yard for an hour, there
+was the daily guard-mounting, and the air was thick with bugle
+calls and rattling kettle-drums.
+
+At "Drawing Rooms" it was still the habit for all ladies to be
+kissed by the Lord-Lieutenant on being presented to him, and every
+lady had to be re-presented to every fresh Viceroy. This imposed
+an absolute orgy of compulsory osculation on the unfortunate Lord-
+Lieutenant, for if many of the ladies were fresh, young and
+pretty, the larger proportion of them were very distinctly the
+reverse.
+
+There is a very fine white-and-gold throne-room in Dublin,
+decorated in the heavy but effective style of George IV., and it
+certainly compares very favourably with the one at Buckingham
+Palace. St. Patrick's Hall, too, with its elaborate painted
+ceiling, is an exceedingly handsome room, as is the Long Gallery.
+At my father's first Drawing-Room, when I officiated as page, the
+perpetual kissing tickled my fancy so, that, forgetting that to
+live up to my new white-satin breeches and lace ruffles I ought to
+wear an impassive countenance, I absolutely shook, spluttered and
+wriggled with laughter. The ceremony appeared to me interminable,
+for ten-year-old legs soon get tired, and ten-year-old eyelids
+grow very heavy as midnight approaches. When at length it ended,
+and my fellow-page was curled up fast asleep on the steps of the
+throne in his official finery, in glancing at my father I was
+amazed to find him prematurely aged. The powder from eight hundred
+cheeks and necks had turned his moustache and beard white; he had
+to retire to his room and spend a quarter of an hour washing and
+brushing the powder out, before he could take part in the
+procession through all the staterooms which in those days preceded
+supper. My father was still a remarkably handsome man even at
+fifty-six years of age, with his great height and his full curly
+beard, and I thought my mother, with all her jewels on, most
+beautiful, as I am quite sure she was, though only a year younger
+than my father.
+
+The great white-and-gold throne-room brilliant with light, the
+glitter of the uniforms, and the sparkle of the jewels were
+attractive from their very novelty to a ten-year-old schoolboy,
+perhaps a little overwhelmed by his own gorgeous and unfamiliar
+trappings. We two pages had been ordered to stand quite
+motionless, one on either side of the throne, but as the evening
+wore on and we began to feel sleepy, it was difficult to carry our
+instructions into effect, for there were no facilities for playing
+even a game of "oughts and crosses" in order to keep awake. The
+position had its drawbacks, as we were so very conspicuous in our
+new uniforms. A detail which sticks in my memory is that the
+guests at that Drawing-Room drank over three hundred bottles of my
+father's sherry, in addition to other wines.
+
+My brother and I were not allowed in the throne-room on ordinary
+days, but it offered such wonderful opportunities for processions
+and investitures, with the sword of state and the mace lying ready
+to one's hand in their red velvet cradles, that we soon discovered
+a back way into it. Should any of the staff of Lord French, the
+present Viceroy, care to examine the sword of state and the mace,
+they will find them both heavily dented. This is due to two small
+boys having frequently dropped them when they proved too heavy for
+their strength, during strictly private processions fifty-five
+years ago. I often wonder what a deputation from the Corporation
+of Belfast must have thought when they were ushered into the
+throne-room, and found it already in the occupation of two small
+brats, one of whom, with a star cut out of silver paper pinned to
+his packet to counterfeit an order, was lolling back on the throne
+in a lordly manner, while the other was feigning to read a long
+statement from a piece of paper. The small boys, after the manner
+of their kind, quickly vanished through a bolt-hole.
+
+The Chapel Royal in Dublin Castle was built by my grandfather, the
+Duke of Bedford, who was Viceroy in 1806, and it bears the stamp
+of the unfortunate period of its birth on every detail of its
+"carpenter-Gothic" interior. It is, however, very ornate, with a
+profusion of gilding, stained glass and elaborate oak carving. My
+father and mother sat by themselves on two red velvet arm-chairs
+in a sort of pew-throne that projected into the Chapel. The Aide-
+de-Camp in waiting, an extremely youthful warrior as a rule, had
+to stand until the door of the pew was shut, when a folding wooden
+flap was lowered across the aperture, on which he seated himself,
+with his back resting against the pew door. At the conclusion of
+the service the Verger always opened the pew door with a sudden
+"click." Should the Aide-de-Camp be unprepared for this and happen
+to be leaning against the door, with any reasonable luck he was
+almost certain to tumble backwards into the aisle, "taking a
+regular toss," as hunting-men would say, and to our unspeakable
+delight we would see a pair of slim legs in overalls and a pair of
+spurred heels describing a graceful parabola as they followed
+their youthful owner into the aisle. This particular form of
+religious relaxation appealed to me enormously, and I looked
+forward to it every Sunday.
+
+It was an episode that could only occur once with each person, for
+forewarned was forearmed; still, as we had twelve Aides-de-Camp,
+and they were constantly changing, the pew door played its
+practical joke quite often enough to render the Services in the
+Chapel Royal very attractive and engrossing, and I noticed that no
+Aide-de-Camp was ever warned of his possible peril. I think, too,
+that the Verger enjoyed his little joke.
+
+In that same Chapel Royal I listened to the most eloquent and
+beautiful sermon I have ever heard in my life, preached by Dean
+Magee (afterwards Archbishop of York) on Christmas Day, 1866. His
+text was: "There were shepherds abiding in the fields." That
+marvellous orator must have had some peculiar gift of sympathy to
+captivate the attention of a child of ten so completely that he
+remembers portions of that sermon to this very day, fifty-four
+years afterwards.
+
+To my great delight I discovered a little door near our joint
+bedroom which led directly into the gallery of St. Patrick's Hall.
+Here the big dinners of from seventy to ninety people were held,
+and it was my delight to creep into the gallery in my dressing-
+gown and slippers and watch the brilliant scene below. The stately
+white-and-gold hall with its fine painted ceiling, the long tables
+blazing with plate and lights, the display of flowers, the jewels
+of the ladies and the uniforms of the men, made a picture very
+attractive to a child. After the ladies had left, the uproar
+became deafening. In 1866 the old drinking habits had not yet died
+out, and though my father very seldom touched wine himself, he of
+course saw that his guests had sufficient; indeed, sufficient
+seems rather an elastic term, judging by what I saw and what I was
+told. It must have been rather like one of the scenes described by
+Charles Lever in his books. In 1866 political, religious, and
+racial animosities had not yet assumed the intensely bitter
+character they have since reached in Ireland, and the traditional
+Irish wit, at present apparently dormant, still flashed, sparkled
+and scintillated. From my hiding-place in the gallery I could only
+hear the roars of laughter the good stories provoked, I could not
+hear the stories themselves, possibly to my own advantage.
+
+Judge Keogh had a great reputation as a wit. The then Chief
+Justice was a remarkable-looking man on account of his great snow-
+white whiskers and his jet-black head of hair. My mother,
+commenting on this, said to Judge Keogh, "Surely Chief Justice
+Monaghan must dye his hair." "To my certain knowledge he does
+not," answered Keogh. "How, then, do you account for the
+difference in colour between his whiskers and his hair?" asked my
+mother. "To the fact that, throughout his life, he has used his
+jaw a great deal more than he ever has his brain," retorted Keogh.
+
+Father Healy, most genial and delightful of men, belongs, of
+course, to a much later period. I was at the Castle in Lord
+Zetland's time, when Father Healy had just returned from a
+fortnight's visit to Monte Carlo, where he had been the guest (of
+all people in the world!) of Lord Randolph Churchill. "May I ask
+how you explained your absence to your flock, Father Healy?" asked
+Lady Zetland. "I merely told them that I had been for a
+fortnight's retreat to Carlow; I thought it superfluous prefixing
+the Monte," answered the priest. Again at a wedding, the late Lord
+Morris, the possessor of the hugest brogue ever heard, observed as
+the young couple drove off, "I wish that I had an old shoe to
+throw after them for luck." "Throw your brogue after them, my dear
+fellow; it will do just as well," flashed out Father Healy. It was
+Father Healy, too, who, in posting a newly arrived lady as to
+Dublin notabilities, said, "You will find that there are only two
+people who count in Dublin, the Lady-Lieutenant and Lady Iveagh,
+her Ex. and her double X," for the marks on the barrels of the
+delicious beverage brewed by the Guinness family must be familiar
+to most people.
+
+I myself heard Father Healy, in criticising a political
+appointment which lay between a Welsh and a Scotch M.P., say,
+"Well, if we get the Welshman he'll pray on his knees all Sunday,
+and then prey on his neighbours the other six days of the week;
+whilst if we get the Scotchman hell keep the Sabbath and any other
+little trifles he can lay his hand on." Healy, who was parish
+priest of Little Bray, used to entertain sick priests from the
+interior of Ireland who were ordered sea-bathing. One day he saw
+one of his guests, a young priest, rush into the sea, glass in
+hand, and begin drinking the sea water. "You mustn't do that, my
+dear fellow," cried Father Healy, aghast. "I didn't know that
+there was any harm in it, Father Healy," said the young priest.
+"Whist! we'll not say one word about it, and maybe then they'll
+never miss the little drop you have taken."
+
+Some of these stories may be old, in which case I can only
+apologise for giving them here.
+
+Dublin people have always had the gift of coining extremely
+felicitous nicknames. I refrain from quoting those bestowed on two
+recent Viceroys, for they are mordant and uncomplimentary, though
+possibly not wholly undeserved. My father was at once christened
+"Old Splendid," an appellation less scarifying than some of those
+conferred on his successors. My father had some old friends living
+in the west of Ireland, a Colonel Tenison, and his wife, Lady
+Louisa Tenison. Colonel Tenison had one of the most gigantic noses
+I have ever seen, a vast, hooked eagle's beak. He was so blind
+that he had to feel his way about. Lady Louisa Tenison allowed
+herself an unusual freedom of speech, and her comments on persons
+and things were unconventionally outspoken. They came to stay with
+us at the Castle in 1867, and before they had been there twenty-
+four hours they were christened "Blind Hookey" and "Unlimited
+Loo."
+
+In February 1867 my sister, brother and I contracted measles, and
+were sent out to the "Lodge" to avoid spreading infection.
+
+We were already convalescent, when one evening a mysterious
+stranger arrived from the Castle, and had an interview with the
+governess. As a result of that interview, the kindly old lady
+began clucking like a scared hen, fussed quite prodigiously, and
+told us to collect our things at once, as we were to start for the
+Castle in a quarter of an hour. After a frantically hurried
+packing, we were bustled into the carriage, the mysterious
+stranger taking his seat on the box. To our surprise we saw some
+thirty mounted Hussars at the door. As we moved off, to our
+unspeakable delight, the Hussars drew their swords and closed in
+on the carriage, one riding at either window. And so we drove
+through Dublin. We had never had an escort before, and felt
+immensely elated and dignified. At the Castle there seemed to be
+some confusion. I heard doors banging and people moving about all
+through the night.
+
+Long afterwards I learnt that the great Fenian rising was fixed
+for that night. The authorities had heard that part of the Fenian
+plan was to capture the Viceregal Lodge, and to hold the Lord-
+Lieutenant's children as hostages, which explains the arrival at
+the Lodge of Chief Inspector Dunn, the frantic haste, and the
+escort of Hussars with drawn swords.
+
+That night an engagement, or it might more justly be termed a
+skirmish, did take place between the Fenians and the troops at
+Tallagh, some twenty miles from Dublin. My brothers and most of my
+father's staff had been present, which explained the mysterious
+noises during the night. As a result of this fight, some three
+hundred prisoners were taken, and Lord Strathnairn, then
+Commander-in-Chief in Ireland, was very hard put to it to find
+sufficient men (who, of course, would have to be detached from his
+force) to escort the prisoners into Dublin. Lord Strathnairn
+suddenly got an inspiration. He had every single button, brace
+buttons and all, cut off the prisoners' trousers. Then the men had
+perforce, for decency's sake, to hold their trousers together with
+their hands, and I defy any one similarly situated to run more
+than a yard or two. The prisoners were all paraded in the Castle
+yard next day, and I walked out amongst them. As they had been up
+all night in very heavy rain, they all looked very forlorn and
+miserable. The Castle gates were shut that day, for the first time
+in the memory of the oldest inhabitant, and they remained shut for
+four days. I cannot remember the date when the prisoners were
+paraded, but I am absolutely certain as to one point: it was
+Shrove Tuesday, 1867, the day on which so many marriages are
+celebrated amongst country-folk in Ireland. Dublin was seething
+with unrest, so on that very afternoon my father and mother drove
+very slowly, quite alone, without an Aide-de-Camp or escort, in a
+carriage-and-four with outriders, through all the poorest quarters
+in Dublin. They were well received, and there was no hostile
+demonstration whatever. The idea of the slow drive through the
+slums was my mother's. She wished to show that though the Castle
+gates were closed, she and my father were not afraid. I saw her on
+her return, when she was looking very pale and drawn, but I was
+too young to realise what the strain must have been. My mother's
+courage was loudly praised, but I think that my friends O'Connor
+and little Byrne, the postilions, also deserve quite a good mark,
+for they ran the same amount of risk, and they were no entirely
+free agents in the matter, as my father and mother were.
+
+Dr. Hatchell, who attended us all, had been physician to countless
+Viceroys and their families, and was a very well-known figure in
+Dublin. He was a jolly little red-faced man with a terrific
+brogue. There was a great epidemic of lawlessness in Dublin at
+that time. Many people were waylaid and stripped of their
+valuables in dark suburban streets. Dr. Hatchell was returning
+from a round of professional visits in the suburbs one evening,
+when his carriage was stopped by two men, who seized the horses'
+heads. One of the men came round to the carriage door.
+
+"We know you, Dr. Hatchell, so you had better hand over your watch
+and money quietly." "You know me," answered the merry little
+doctor, with his tremendous brogue, "so no doubt you would like me
+to prescribe for you. I'll do it with all the pleasure in life.
+Saltpetre is a grand drug, and I often order it for my patients.
+Sulphur is the finest thing in the world for the blood, and
+charcoal is an elegant disinfectant. By a great piece of luck, I
+have all these drugs with me in the carriage, but"--and he
+suddenly covered the man with his revolver--"they are all mixed up
+together, and there is the least taste in life of lead in front of
+them, and by God! you'll get it through you if you don't clear out
+of that." The men decamped immediately. I have heard Dr. Hatchell
+tell that story at least twenty times. Dr. Hatchell, who was
+invited to every single entertainment, both at the Lodge and at
+the Castle, was a widower. A peculiarly stupid young Aide-de-Camp
+once asked him why he had not brought Mrs. Hatchell with him.
+"Sorr," answered the doctor in his most impressive tones, "Mrs.
+Hatchell is an angel in heaven." A fortnight later the same
+foolish youth asked again why Dr. Hatchell had come alone. "Mrs.
+Hatchell, sorr, is still an angel in heaven," answered the
+indignant doctor.
+
+It was said that no mortal eye had ever seen Dr. Hatchell in the
+daytime out of his professional frock-coat and high hat. I know
+that when he stayed with us in Scotland some years later, he went
+out salmon-fishing in a frock-coat and high hat (with a
+stethescope clipped into the crown of it), an unusual garb for an
+angler.
+
+In the spring of 1868, King Edward and Queen Alexandra (then, of
+course, Prince and Princess of Wales) paid us a long visit at the
+Castle. My father had heard a rumour that recently the Prince of
+Wales had introduced the custom of smoking in the dining-room
+after dinner. He was in a difficult position; nothing would induce
+him to tolerate such a practice, but how was he to avoid
+discourtesy to his Royal guest? My mother rose to the occasion. A
+little waiting-room near the dining-room was furnished and fitted
+up in the most attractive manner, and before the Prince had been
+an hour in the Castle, my mother showed him the charming little
+room, and told H. R. H. that it had been specially fitted up for
+him to enjoy his after-dinner cigar in. That saved the situation.
+Young men of to-day will be surprised to learn that in my time no
+one dreamed of smoking before they went to a ball, as to smell of
+smoke was considered an affront to one's partners. I myself,
+though a heavy smoker from an early age, never touched tobacco in
+any form before going to a dance, out of respect for my partners.
+Incredible as it may sound, in those days all gentlemen had a very
+high respect for ladies and young ladies, and observed a certain
+amount of deference in their intercourse with them. Never, to the
+best of my recollection, did either we or our partners address
+each other as "old thing," or "old bean." This, of course, now is
+hopelessly Victorian, and as defunct as the dodo. Present-day
+hostesses tell me that all young men, and most girls, are kind
+enough to flick cigarette-ash all over their drawing-rooms, and
+considerately throw lighted cigarette-ends on to fine old Persian
+carpets, and burn holes in pieces of valuable old French
+furniture. Of course it would be too much trouble to fetch an ash-
+tray, or to rise to throw lighted cigarette-ends into the grate.
+The young generation have never been brought up to take trouble,
+nor to consider other people; we might perhaps put it that they
+never think of any one in the world but their own sweet selves. I
+am inclined to think that there are distinct advantages in being a
+confirmed, unrepentant Victorian.
+
+During the stay of the Prince and Princess there was one unending
+round of festivities. The Princess was then at the height of her
+great beauty, and seeing H. R. H. every day, my youthful adoration
+of her increased tenfold. The culminating incident of the visit
+was to be the installation of the Prince of Wales as a Knight of
+St. Patrick in St. Patrick's Cathedral, with immense pomp and
+ceremonial. The Cathedral had undergone a complete transformation
+for the ceremony, and all its ordinary fittings had disappeared.
+The number of pages had now increased to five, and we were
+constantly being drilled in the Cathedral. We had all five of us
+to walk backwards down some steps, keeping in line and keeping
+step. For five small boys to do this neatly, without awkwardness,
+requires a great deal of practice. The procession to the Cathedral
+was made in full state, the streets being lined with troops, and
+the carriages, with their escorts of cavalry, going at a foot's
+pace through the principal thoroughfares of Dublin. I remember it
+chiefly on account of the bitter northeast wind blowing. The five
+pages drove together in an open carriage, and received quite an
+ovation from the crowd, but no one had thought of providing them
+with overcoats. Silk stockings, satin knee-breeches and lace
+ruffles are very inadequate protection against an Arctic blast,
+and we arrived at the Cathedral stiff and torpid with cold. From
+the colour of our faces, we might have been five little "Blue
+Noses" from Nova Scotia. The ceremony was very gorgeous and
+imposing, and I trust that the pages were not unduly clumsy. Every
+one was amazed at the beauty of the music, sung from the triforium
+by the combined choirs of St. Patrick's and Christ Church
+Cathedrals, and of the Chapel Royal, with that wonderful musician,
+Sir Robert Stewart, at the organ. I remember well Sir Robert
+Stewart's novel setting of "God save the Queen." The men sang it
+first in unison to the music of the massed military bands outside
+the Cathedral, the boys singing a "Faux Bourdon" above it. Then
+the organ took it up, the full choir joining in with quite
+original harmonies.
+
+In honour of the Prince's visit, nearly all the Fenian prisoners
+who were still detained in jail were released.
+
+Many years after, in 1885, King Edward and Queen Alexandra paid us
+a visit at Barons' Court. During that visit a little episode
+occurred which is worth recording. On the Sunday, the Princess of
+Wales, as she still was, inspected the Sunday School children
+before Morning Service. At luncheon the Rector of the parish told
+us that one of the Sunday scholars, a little girl, had been taken
+ill with congestion of the lungs a few days earlier. The child's
+disappointment at having missed seeing the Princess was terrible.
+Desperately ill as she was, she kept on harping on her lost
+opportunity. After luncheon the Princess drew my sister-in-law,
+the present Dowager Duchess of Abercorn, on one side, and inquired
+where the sick child lived. Upon being told that it was about four
+miles off, the Princess asked whether it would not be possible to
+get a pony-cart from the stables and drive there, as she would
+like to see the little girl. I myself brought a pony-cart around
+to the door, and the Princess and my sister-in-law having got in,
+we three started off alone, the Princess driving. When we reached
+the cottage where the child lived, H. R. H. went straight up to
+the little girl's room, and stayed talking to her for an hour, to
+the child's immense joy. Two days later the little girl died, but
+she had been made very happy meanwhile.
+
+A little thing perhaps; but there are not many people in Queen
+Alexandra's position who would have taken an eight-mile drive in
+an open cart on a stormy and rainy April afternoon in order to
+avoid disappointing a dying child, of whose very existence she had
+been unaware that morning.
+
+It is the kind heart which inspires acts like these which has
+drawn the British people so irresistibly to Queen Alexandra.
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+
+Chittenden's--A wonderful teacher--My personal experiences as a
+schoolmaster--My "boys in blue"--My unfortunate garments--A "brave
+Belge"--The model boy, and his name--A Spartan regime--"The Three
+Sundays"--Novel religious observances--Harrow--"John Smith of
+Harrow"--"Tommy" Steele--"Tosher"--An ingenious punishment--John
+Farmer--His methods--The birth of a famous song--Harrow school
+songs--"Ducker"--The "Curse of Versatility"--Advancing old age--
+The race between three brothers--A family failing--My father's
+race at sixty-four--My own--A most acrimonious dispute at Rome--
+Harrow after fifty years.
+
+I was sent to school as soon as I was nine, to Mr. Chittenden's,
+at Hoddesdon, in Hertfordshire. This remarkable man had a very
+rare gift: he was a born teacher, or, perhaps, more accurately, a
+born mind-trainer. Of the very small stock of knowledge which I
+have been able to accumulate during my life, I certainly owe at
+least one-half to Mr. Chittenden. There is a certain profusely
+advertised system for acquiring concentration, and for cultivating
+an artificial memory, the name of which will be familiar to every
+one. Instead of the title it actually bears, that system should be
+known as "Chittendism," for it is precisely the method adopted by
+him with his pupils fifty-four years ago. Mr. Chittenden, probably
+recognising that peculiar quality of mental laziness which is such
+a marked characteristic of the average English man or woman, set
+himself to combat and conquer it the moment he got a pupil into
+his hands. Think of the extraordinary number of persons you know
+who never do more than half-listen, half-understand, half-attend,
+and who only read with their eyes, not with their brains. The
+other half of their brain is off wool-gathering somewhere, so
+naturally they forget everything they read, and the little they do
+remember with half their brain is usually incorrect. It seems to
+me that this sort of mental limitation is far more marked in the
+young generation, probably because foolish parents seem to think
+it rather an amusing trait in their offspring. Now, the boy at
+Chittenden's who allowed his mind to wander, and did not
+concentrate, promptly made the acquaintance of the "spatter," a
+broad leathern strap; and the spatter hurt exceedingly, as I can
+testify from many personal experiences of it. On the whole, then,
+even the most careless boy found it to his advantage to
+concentrate. This clever teacher knew how quickly young brains
+tire, so he never devoted more than a quarter of an hour to each
+subject, but during that quarter of an hour he demanded, and got,
+the full attention of his pupils. The result was that everything
+absorbed remained permanently. If I enlarge at some length on Mr.
+Chittenden's methods, it is because the subject of education is of
+such vital importance, and the mere fact that the much-advertised
+system to which I have alluded has attained such success, would
+seem to indicate that many people are aware that they share that
+curious disability in the intellectual equipment of the average
+Englishman to which I have referred; for unless they had
+habitually only half-listened, half-read, half-understood, there
+could be no need for their undergoing a course of instruction late
+in life. Surely it is more sensible to check this peculiarly
+English tendency to mental laziness quite early in life, as Mr.
+Chittenden did with his boys. To my mind another striking
+characteristic of the average English man and woman is their want
+of observation. They don't notice: it is far too much trouble;
+besides, they are probably thinking of something else. All
+Chittenden's boys were taught to observe; otherwise they got into
+trouble. He insisted, too, on his pupils expressing themselves in
+correct English, with the result that Chittenden's boys were more
+intellectually advanced at twelve than the average Public School
+boy is at sixteen or seventeen. It is unusual to place such books
+as Paley's Christian Evidences, or Archbishop Whately's Historic
+Doubts as to Napoleon Bonaparte, in the hands of little boys of
+twelve, with any expectation of a satisfactory result; yet we read
+them on Sundays, understood the point of them, and could explain
+the why and wherefore of them. Chittenden's one fault was his
+tendency to "force" a receptive boy, and to develop his intellect
+too quickly. As in the Pelm--(I had very nearly written it)
+system, he made great use of memoria technica, and always taught
+us to link one idea with another. At the age of ten I got puzzled
+over Marlborough's campaigns. "'Brom,' my boy, remember 'Brom,'"
+said Mr. Chittenden. "That will give you Marlborough's victories
+in their proper sequence--Blenheim, Ramillies, Oudenarde,
+Malplaquet, 'Brom'"; and "Brom" I have remembered from that day to
+this.
+
+Though it is now many years since Mr. Chittenden passed away, I
+must pay this belated tribute to the memory of a very skilful
+teacher, and an exceedingly kind friend, to whom I owe an immense
+debt of gratitude.
+
+My own experiences as a pedagogue are limited. During the War, I
+was asked to give some lessons in elementary history and
+rudimentary French to convalescent soldiers in a big hospital. No
+one ever had a more cheery and good-tempered lot of pupils than I
+had in my blue-clad, red-tied disciples. For remembering the order
+of the Kings of England, we used Mr. Chittenden's jingle,
+beginning:
+
+    "Billy, Billy, Harry, Ste,
+    Harry, Dick, Jack, Harry Three."
+
+By repeating it all together, over and over again, the very jangle
+of it made it stick in my pupils' memory. Dates proved a great
+difficulty, yet a few dates, such as that of the Norman Conquest
+and of the Battle of Waterloo, were essential. "Clarke, can you
+remember the date of the Norman Conquest?" "Very sorry, sir; clean
+gone out of my 'ead." "Now, Daniels, how about the date of
+Waterloo?" "You've got me this time, sir." Then I had an
+inspiration. Feigning to take up a telephone-receiver, and to
+speak down it, I begged for "Willconk, One, O, double-six,
+please." Twenty blithesome wounded Tommies at once went through an
+elaborate pantomime of unhooking receivers, and asked anxiously
+for "Willconk--One, O, double-six, miss, please. No, miss, I
+didn't say, 'City, six, eight, five, four'; I said 'Willconk, One,
+O, double-six.' Thank you, miss; now I can let mother know I'm
+coming to tea." This, accompanied by much playful badinage with
+the imaginary operator, proved immensely popular, but "Willconk,
+One, O, double-six" stuck in the brains of my blue-clothed flock.
+In the same way the Battle of Waterloo became "Batterloo--One,
+eight, one, five, please, miss," so both those dates remained in
+their heads.
+
+We experienced some little trouble in mastering the French
+numerals, until I tried a new scheme, and called out, "From the
+right, number, in French!" Then my merry convalescents began
+shouting gleefully, "Oon," "Doo," "Troy," "Catta," "Sink," etc.;
+but the French numerals stuck in their heads. Never did any one, I
+imagine, have such a set of jolly, cheery boys in blue as pupils,
+and the strong remnant of the child left in many of them made them
+the more attractive.
+
+When I first went to school, the selection and purchase of my
+outfit was, for some inscrutable reason, left to my sisters'
+governess, an elderly lady to whom I was quite devoted. This
+excellent person, though, knew very little about boys, and nothing
+whatever as to their requirements. Her mind harked back to the
+"thirties" and "forties," and she endeavoured to reconstitute the
+dress of little boys at that period. She ordered for me a velvet
+tunic for Sunday wear, of the sort seen in old prints, and a
+velvet cap with a peak and tassel, such as young England wore in
+William IV.'s days. She had large, floppy, limp collars specially
+made for me, of the pattern worn by boys in her youth; every
+single article of my unfortunate equipment had been obsolete for
+at least thirty years. In my ignorance, and luckily not knowing
+what was in store for me, I felt immensely proud of my new kit.
+
+On the first Sunday after my arrival at school, I arrayed myself
+with great satisfaction in a big, floppy collar, and my new velvet
+tunic, amidst the loud jeers of all the other boys in the
+dormitory. I was, however, hardly prepared for the yells and howls
+of derision with which my appearance in the school-room was
+greeted; my unfortunate garments were held to be so unspeakably
+grotesque that boys laughed till the tears ran down their cheeks.
+As church-time approached the boys produced their high hats, which
+I found were worn even by little fellows of eight; I had nothing
+but my terrible tasselled velvet cap, the sight of which provoked
+even louder jeers than the tunic had done. We marched to church
+two and two, in old-fashioned style in a "crocodile," but not a
+boy in the school would walk beside me in my absurd garments, so a
+very forlorn little fellow trotted to church alone behind the
+usher, acutely conscious of the very grotesque figure he was
+presenting. I must have been dressed very much as Henry Fairchild
+was when he went to visit his little friend Master Noble. On
+returning from church, I threw my velvet cap into the water-butt,
+where, for all I know, it probably is still, and nothing would
+induce me to put on the velvet tunic or the floppy collars a
+second time. I bombarded my family with letters until I found
+myself equipped with a high hat and Eton jackets and collars such
+as the other boys wore.
+
+We were taught French at Chittenden's by a very pleasant old
+Belgian, M. Vansittart. I could talk French then as easily as
+English, and after exchanging a few sentences with M. Vansittart,
+he cried, "Tiens! mais c'est un petit Francais;" but the other
+boys laughed so unmercifully at what they termed my affected
+accent, that in self-defence I adopted an ultra-British
+pronunciation, made intentional mistakes, and, in order to conform
+to type, punctiliously addressed our venerable instructor as
+"Moosoo," just as the other boys did. M. Vansittart must have been
+a very old man, for he had fought as a private in the Belgian army
+at the Battle of Waterloo. He had once been imprudent enough to
+admit that he and some Belgian friends of his had...how shall we
+put it?...absented themselves from the battlefield without the
+permission of their superiors, and had hurriedly returned to
+Brussels, being doubtless fatigued by their exertions. His little
+tormentors never let him forget this. When we thought that we had
+done enough French for the day, a shrill young voice would pipe
+out, "Now, Moosoo, please tell us how you and all the Belgians ran
+away from the Battle of Waterloo." It never failed to achieve the
+desired end. "Ah! tas de petits sacripants! 'Ow dare you say dat?"
+thundered the poor old gentleman, and he would go on to explain
+that his and his friends' retirement was only actuated by the
+desire to be the first bearers to Brussels of the news of
+Wellington's great victory, and to assuage their families' very
+natural anxiety as to their safety. He added, truthfully enough,
+"Nos jambes courraient malgres nous." Poor M. Vansittart! He was a
+gentle and a kindly old man, with traces of the eighteenth-century
+courtliness of manner, and smothered in snuff.
+
+Mr. Chittenden was never tired of dinning into us the astonishing
+merits of a pupil who had been at the school eleven or twelve
+years before us. This model boy apparently had the most
+extraordinary mental gifts, and had never broken any of the rules.
+Mr. Chittenden predicted a brilliant future for him, and would not
+be surprised should he eventually become Prime Minister. The
+paragon had had a distinguished career at Eton, and was at present
+at Cambridge, where he was certain to do equally well. From having
+this Admirable Crichton perpetually held up to us as an example,
+we grew rather tired of his name, much as the Athenians wearied at
+constantly hearing Aristides described as "the just." At length we
+heard that the pattern-boy would spend two days at Hoddesdon on
+his way back to Cambridge. We were all very anxious to see him. As
+Mr. Chittenden confidently predicted that he would one day become
+Prime Minister, I formed a mental picture of him as being like my
+uncle, Lord John Russell, the only Prime Minister I knew. He would
+be very short, and would have his neck swathed in a high black-
+satin stock. When the Cambridge undergraduate appeared, he was, on
+the contrary, very tall and thin, with a slight stoop, and so far
+from wearing a high stock, he had an exceedingly long neck
+emerging from a very low collar. His name was Arthur James
+Balfour.
+
+I think Mr. Balfour and the late Mr. George Wyndham were the only
+pupils of Chittenden's who made names for themselves. The rest of
+us were content to plod along in the rut, though we had been
+taught to concentrate, to remember, and to observe.
+
+Compared with the manner in which little boys are now pampered at
+preparatory schools, our method of life appears very Spartan. We
+never had fires or any heating whatever in our dormitories, and
+the windows were always open. We were never given warm water to
+wash in, and in frosty weather our jugs were frequently frozen
+over. Truth compels me to admit that this freak of Nature's was
+rather welcomed, for little boys are not as a rule over-enamoured
+of soap and water, and it was an excellent excuse for avoiding any
+ablutions whatever. We rose at six, winter and summer, and were in
+school by half-past six. The windows of the school-room were kept
+open, whilst the only heating came from a microscopic stove
+jealously guarded by a huge iron stockade to prevent the boys from
+approaching it. For breakfast we were never given anything but
+porridge and bread and butter. We had an excellent dinner at one
+o'clock, but nothing for tea but bread and butter again, never
+cake or jam. It will horrify modern mothers to learn that all the
+boys, even little fellows of eight, were given two glasses of beer
+at dinner. And yet none of us were ever ill. I was nearly five
+years at Chittenden's, and I do not remember one single case of
+illness. We were all of us in perfect health, nor were we ever
+afflicted with those epidemics which seem to play such havoc with
+modern schools, from all of which I can only conclude that a
+regime of beer and cold rooms is exceedingly good for little boys.
+
+The Grange, Mr. Chittenden's house, was one of the most perfect
+examples of a real Queen Anne house that I ever saw. Every room in
+the house was wood-panelled, and there was some fine carving on
+the staircase. The house, with a splendid avenue of limes leading
+up to it, stood in a large old-world garden, where vast cedar
+trees spread themselves duskily over shaven lawns round a
+splashing fountain, and where scarlet geraniums blazed. Such a
+beautiful old place was quite wasted as a school.
+
+We were very well treated by both Mr. and Mrs. Chittenden, and we
+were all very happy at the Grange. During my first year there one
+of my elder brothers died. A child of ten, should death never have
+touched his family, looks upon it as something infinitely remote,
+affecting other people but not himself. Then when the first gap in
+the home occurs, all the child's little world tumbles to pieces,
+and he wonders how the birds have the heart to go on singing as
+usual, and how the sun can keep on shining. A child's grief is
+very poignant and real. I can never forget Mr. and Mrs.
+Chittenden's extreme kindness to a very sorrowful little boy at
+that time.
+
+There was one curious custom at Chittenden's, and I do not know
+whether it obtained in other schools in those days. Some time in
+the summer term the head-boy would announce that "The Three
+Sundays" had arrived, and must be duly observed according to
+ancient custom. We all obeyed him implicity. The first Sunday was
+"Cock-hat Sunday," the second "Rag Sunday," and the third (if I
+may be pardoned) "Spit-in-the-pew Sunday." On the first Sunday we
+all marched to church with our high hats at an extreme angle over
+our left ears; on the second Sunday every boy had his handkerchief
+trailing out of his pocket; on the third, I am sorry to say,
+thirty-one little boys expectorated surreptitiously but
+simultaneously in the pews, as the first words of the Litany were
+repeated. I think that we were all convinced that these were
+regularly appointed festivals of the Church of England. I know
+that I was, and I spent hours hunting fruitlessly through my
+Prayer Book to find some allusion to them. I found Sundays after
+Epiphany, Sundays in Lent, and Sundays after Trinity, but not one
+word could I discover, to my amazement, either about "Cock-hat
+Sunday" or "Spit-in-the-pew Sunday." What can have been the origin
+of this singular custom I cannot say. When I, in my turn, became
+head-boy, I fixed "The Three Sundays" early in May. It so happened
+that year that the Thursday after "Cock-hat Sunday" was Ascension
+Day, when we also went to church, but, it being a week-day, we
+wore our school caps in the place of high hats. Ascension Day thus
+falling, if I may so express myself, within the Octave of "Cock-
+hat Sunday," I decreed that the customary ritual must be observed
+with the school caps, and my little flock obeyed me implicitly. So
+eager were some of the boys to do honour to this religious
+festival, that their caps were worn at such an impossible angle
+that they kept tumbling off all the way to church. It is the only
+time in my life that I have ever wielded even a semblance of
+ecclesiastical authority, and I cannot help thinking that the
+Archbishop of Canterbury would have envied the unquestioning
+obedience with which all my directions were received, for I gather
+that his own experience has not invariably been equally fortunate.
+
+At thirteen I said good-bye to the pleasant Grange, and went, as
+my elder brothers, my father, and my grandfather had done before
+me, to Harrow.
+
+In the Harrow of the "seventies" there was one unique personality,
+that of the Rev. John Smith, best-loved of men. This saintly man
+was certainly very eccentric. We never knew then that his whole
+life had been one long fight against the hereditary insanity which
+finally conquered him. In appearance he was very tall and gaunt,
+with snow-white whiskers and hair, and the kindest eyes I have
+ever seen in a human face; he was meticulously clean and neat in
+his dress. "John," as he was invariably called, on one occasion
+met a poorly clad beggar shivering in the street on a cold day,
+and at once stripped off his own overcoat and insisted on the
+beggar taking it. John never bought another overcoat, but wrapped
+himself in a plaid in winter-time. He addressed all boys
+indiscriminately as "laddie," though he usually alluded to the
+younger ones as "smallest of created things," "infinitesimal scrap
+of humanity," or "most diminutive of men"; but, wildly eccentric
+as he was, no one ever thought of laughing at him. It was just
+"old John," and that explained everything.
+
+I was never "up" to John, for he taught a low Form, and I had come
+from Chittenden's, and all Chittenden's boys took high places; but
+he took "pupil-room" in my house, and helped my tutor generally,
+so I saw John daily, and, like every one else, I grew very much
+attached to this simple, saint-like old clergyman.
+
+He went round every room in the house on Sunday evenings, always
+first scrupulously knocking at the door. An untidy room gave him
+positive pain, and the most slovenly boys would endeavour to get
+their filthy rooms into some sort of order, "just to please old
+John." John was passionately fond of flowers, and one would meet
+the most unlikely boys with bunches of roses in their hands. If
+one inquired what they were for, they would say half-sheepishly,
+"Oh, just a few roses I've bought. I thought they would please old
+John; you know how keen the old chap is on flowers." Now English
+schoolboys are not as a rule in the habit of presenting flowers to
+their masters. For all his apparent simplicity, John was not easy
+to "score off." I have known Fifth-form boys bring a particularly
+difficult passage of Herodotus to John in "pupil-room," knowing
+that he was not a great Greek scholar. John, after glancing at the
+passage, would say, "Laddie, you splendid fellows in the Upper
+Fifth know so much; I am but a humble and very ignorant old man.
+This passage is beyond my attainments. Go to your tutor, my child.
+He will doubtless make it all clear to you; and pray accept my
+apologies for being unable to help you," and the Fifth-form boy
+would go away feeling thoroughly ashamed of himself. After his
+death, it was discovered from his diary that John had been in the
+habit of praying for twenty boys by name, every night of his life.
+He went right down the school list, and then he began again. Any
+lack of personal cleanliness drove him frantic. I myself have
+heard him order a boy with dirty nails and hands out of the room,
+crying, "Out of my sight, unclean wretch! Go and cleanse the hands
+God gave you, before I allow you to associate with clean
+gentlemen, and write out for me two hundred times, 'Cleanliness is
+next to godliness.'"
+
+John took the First Fourth, and his little boys could always be
+detected by their neatness and extreme cleanliness. Neither of
+these can be called a characteristic of little boys in general,
+but the little fellows made an effort to overcome their natural
+tendencies "to please old John." When his hereditary enemy
+triumphed, and his reason left him, hundreds of his old pupils
+wished to subscribe, and to surround John for the remainder of his
+life with all the comforts that could be given him in his
+afflicted condition. It was very characteristic of John to refuse
+this offer, and to go of his own accord into a pauper asylum,
+where he combined the duties of chaplain and butler until his
+death. John was buried at Harrow, and by his own wish no bell was
+tolled, and his coffin was covered with scarlet geraniums, as a
+sign of rejoicing. I know how I should describe John, were I
+preaching a sermon.
+
+Another mildly eccentric Harrow master was the Rev. T. Steele,
+invariably known as "Tommy." His peculiarities were limited to his
+use of the pronoun "we" instead of "I," as though he had been a
+crowned head, and to his habit of perpetually carrying, winter and
+summer, rain or sunshine, a gigantic bright blue umbrella. He had
+these umbrellas specially made for him; they were enormous, the
+sort of umbrellas Mrs. Gamp must have brought with her when her
+professional services were requisitioned, and they were of the
+most blatant blue I have ever beheld. Old Mr. Steele, with his
+jovial rubicund face, his flowing white beard, and his bright blue
+umbrella, was a species of walking tricolour flag.
+
+Schoolboys worship a successful athlete. There was a very pleasant
+mathematical master named Tosswill, always known as "Tosher," who
+at that time held the record for a broad jump, he having cleared,
+when jumping for Oxford, twenty-two and a half feet. That record
+has long since been beaten. Should one be walking with another boy
+when passing "Tosher," he was almost certain to say, "You know
+that Tosher holds the record for broad jumps. Twenty-two and a
+half feet; he must be an awfully decent chap!" Tosswill had the
+knack of devising ingenious punishments. I was "up" to him for
+mathematics, and, with my hopelessly non-mathematical mind, I must
+have been a great trial to him. At that time I was playing the
+euphonium in the school brass band, an instrument which afforded
+great joy to its exponents, for in most military marches the solo
+in the "trio" falls to the euphonium, though I fancy that I evoked
+the most horrible sounds from my big brass instrument. To play a
+brass instrument with any degree of precision, it is first
+necessary to acquire a "lip"--that is to say, the centre of the
+lip covered by the mouthpiece must harden and thicken before "open
+notes" can be sounded accurately. To "get a lip" quickly, I always
+carried my mouthpiece in my pocket, and blew noiselessly into it
+perpetually, even in school. Tosher had noticed this. One day my
+algebra paper was even worse than usual. With the best intentions
+in the world to master this intricate branch of knowledge, algebra
+conveyed nothing whatever to my brain. To state that A + b = xy,
+seemed to me the assertion of a palpable and self-evident
+falsehood. After looking through my paper, Tosher called me up.
+"Your algebra is quite hopeless, Hamilton. You will write me out a
+Georgic. No; on second thoughts, as you seem to like your brass
+instrument, you shall bring it up to my house every morning for
+ten days, and as the clock strikes seven, you shall play me "Home,
+Sweet Home" under my window." Accordingly every morning for ten
+days I trudged through the High Street of Harrow with my big brass
+instrument under my arm, and as seven rang out from the school
+clock, I commenced my extremely lugubrious rendering of "Home,
+Sweet Home," on the euphonium, to a scoffing and entirely
+unsympathetic audience of errand-boys and early loafers, until
+Tosher's soap-lathered face nodded dismissal from the window.
+
+The school songs play a great part in Harrow life. Generation
+after generation of boys have sung these songs, and they form a
+most potent bond of union between Harrovians of all ages, for
+their words and music are as familiar to the old Harrovian of
+sixty as to the present Harrovian of sixteen.
+
+Most of these songs are due to the genius of two men, Edward Bowen
+and John Farmer. Like Gilbert and Sullivan, neither of these
+would, I think, have risen to his full height without the aid of
+the other. Farmer had an inexhaustible flow of facile melody at
+his command, always tuneful, sometimes almost inspired. In
+addition to the published songs, he was continually throwing off
+musical settings to topical verse, written for some special
+occasion. These were invariably bright and catchy, and I am sorry
+that Farmer considered them of too ephemeral a nature to be worth
+preserving. "Racquets," in particular, had a delightfully ear-
+tickling refrain. Bowen's words are a little unequal at times, but
+at his best he is very hard to beat.
+
+I had organ lessons from Farmer, and as I liked him extremely, I
+was continually at his house. I enjoyed seeing him covering sheets
+of music paper with rapid notation, and then humming the newly
+born product of his musical imagination. As I had a fairly good
+treble voice, and could read a part easily, Farmer often selected
+me to try one of his new compositions at "house-singing," where
+the boys formed an exceedingly critical audience. Either the new
+song was approved of, or it was received in chilling silence.
+Farmer in moments of excitement perspired more than any human
+being I have ever seen. Going to his house one afternoon, I found
+him bathed in perspiration, writing away for dear life. He
+motioned me to remain silent, and went on writing. Presently he
+jumped up, and exclaimed triumphantly, "I have got it! I have got
+it at last!" He then showed me the words he was setting to music.
+They began:
+
+    "Forty years on, when afar and asunder,
+    Parted are those who are singing to-day."
+
+"I wrote another tune to it first," explained Farmer, "a bright
+tune, a regular bell-tinkle" (his invariable expression for a
+catchy tune), "but Bowen's words are too fine for that. They want
+something hymn-like, something grand, and now I've found it.
+Listen!" and Farmer played me that majestic, stately melody which
+has since been heard in every country and in every corner of the
+globe, wherever two old Harrovians have come together. Some people
+may recall how, during the Boer War, "Forty years on" was sung by
+two mortally wounded Harrovians on the top of Spion Kop just
+before they died.
+
+To my great regret my voice had broken then, else it is quite
+possible that Farmer might have selected me to sing "Forty years
+on" for the very first time. As it was, that honour fell to a boy
+named A.M. Wilkinson, who had a remarkably sweet voice.
+
+John Farmer's eccentricities were, I think, all assumed. He
+thought they helped him to manage the boys. I sang in the chapel
+choir, and he circulated the quaintest little notes amongst us,
+telling us how he wished the Psalms sung. "Psalm 136, quite gaily
+and cheerfully; Psalm 137, very slowly and sorrowfully; Psalm 138,
+real merry bell-tinkle, with plenty of organ.--J. F."
+
+Long after I had left, Farmer continued to pour out a ceaseless
+flow of school songs. Of course they varied in merit, but in some,
+such as "Raleigh," and "Five Hundred Faces," he managed to touch
+some subtle chord of sympathy that makes them very dear to those
+who heard them in their youth. After Farmer left Harrow for
+Oxford, his successor, Eaton Faning, worthily continued the
+traditions. All Eaton Failing's songs are melodious, but in two of
+them, "Here, sir!" and "Pray, charge your glasses, gentlemen," he
+reaches far higher levels.
+
+The late E.W. Howson's words to "Here, sir!" seem to strike
+exactly the right note for boys. They are fine and virile, with
+underlying sentiment, yet free from the faintest suspicion of
+mawkish sentimentality. Two of the verses are worth quoting:
+
+    "Is it nought--our long procession,
+    Father, brother, friend, and son,
+    As we step in quick succession,
+    Cap and pass and hurry on?
+    One and all,
+    At the call,
+    Cap and pass and hurry on?
+    Here, sir! Here, sir!" etc.
+
+    "So to-day--and oh! if ever
+    Duty's voice is ringing clear,
+    Bidding men to brave endeavour,
+    Be our answer, 'We are here!'
+    Come what will,
+    Good or ill,
+    We will answer, 'We are here!'
+    Here, sir! Here, sir!" etc.
+
+The allusion is, of course, to "Bill," the Harrow term for the
+roll-call. These lines, for me, embody all that is best in the so-
+called "Public School spirit."
+
+In my time the distant view from the chapel terrace was
+exceedingly beautiful, whilst the immediate foreground was
+uncompromisingly ugly. A vegetable garden then covered the space
+where now the steps of the "Slopes" run down through lawns and
+shrubberies, and rows of utilitarian cabbages and potatoes
+extended right up to the terrace wall. But beyond this prosaic
+display of kitchen-stuff, in summer-time an unbroken sea of green
+extended to the horizon, dotted with such splendid oaks as only a
+heavy clay soil can produce. London, instead of being ten miles
+off, might have been a hundred miles distant. Now, for fifty years
+London, Cobbett's "monstrous wen," has been throwing her tentative
+feelers into the green Harrow country. Already pioneer tentacles
+of red-brick houses are creeping over the fields, and before long
+the rural surroundings will have vanished beyond repair.
+
+"Ducker," the Harrow bathing-place, has had scant justice done to
+it. It is a most attractive spot, standing demurely isolated
+amidst its encircling fringe of fine elms, and jealously guarded
+by a high wooden palisade, No unauthorised person can penetrate
+into "Ducker"; in summer-time it is the boys' own domain. The long
+tiled pool stretches in sweeping curves for 250 feet under the
+great elms, a splashing fountain at one end, its far extremity gay
+with lawns and flower-beds. I can conceive of nothing more typical
+of the exuberant joie-de-vivre of youth than the sight of Ducker
+on a warm summer evening when the place is ringing with the shouts
+and laughter of some four hundred boys, all naked as when they
+were born, swimming, diving, ducking each other, splashing and
+rollicking in the water, whilst others stretched out on the grass,
+puris naturalibus, are basking in the sun, or regaling themselves
+on buns and cocoa. The whole place is vibrant with the intense
+zest the young feel in life, and with the whole-hearted powers of
+enjoyment of boyhood. A school-song set to a captivating waltz-
+lilt record the charms of Ducker. One verse of it,
+
+    "Oh! the effervescing tingle,
+    How it rushes in the veins!
+    Till the water seems to mingle
+    With the pulses and the brains,"
+
+exactly expresses the reason why, as a boy, I loved Ducker so.
+
+Unfortunately, I never played cricket for Harrow at "Lords," as my
+two brothers George and Ernest did. My youngest brother would, I
+think, have made a great name for himself as a cricketer, had not
+the fairies endowed him at his birth with a fatal facility for
+doing everything easily. As the result of this versatility, his
+ambitions were continually changing. He accordingly abandoned
+cricket for steeplechase riding, at which he distinguished himself
+until politics ousted steeplechase riding. After some years,
+politics gave place to golf and music, which were in their turn
+supplanted by photography. He then tried writing a few novels, and
+very successful some of them were, until it finally dawned on him
+that his real vocation in life was that of a historian. My brother
+was naturally frequently rallied by his family on his inconstancy
+of purpose, but he pleaded in extenuation that versatility had
+very marked charms of its own. He produced one day a copy of
+verses, written in the Gilbertian metre, to illustrate his mental
+attitude, and they strike me as so neatly worded, that I will
+reproduce them in full.
+
+    "THE CURSE OF VERSATILITY"
+
+    "It is possible the student of Political Economy
+    Might otherwise have cultivated Fame,
+    And the Scientist whose energies are given to Astronomy
+    May sacrifice a literary name.
+    In the Royal Academician may be buried a facility
+    For prosecuting Chemical Research,
+    But he knows that if he truckles to the Curse of Versatility,
+    Competitors will leave him in the lurch.
+
+    "If an eminent physician should develop a proclivity
+    For singing on the operatic stage,
+    He will find that though his patients may apparently forgive
+      it, he
+    Will temporal'ly cease to be the rage,
+    And the lawyer who depreciates his logical ability
+    And covets a poetical renown,
+    Will discover on his Circuit that the Curse of Versatility
+    Has limited the office of his gown.
+
+    "The costermonger yonder, if he had the opportunity,
+    Might rival the political career
+    Of the orator who poses as the pride of the community,
+    The Radical Hereditary Peer.
+    And the genius who fattens on a chronic inability
+    To widen the horizon of his brain,
+    May be stupider than others whom the Curse of Versatility
+    Has fettered with a mediocre chain.
+
+    "Should a Civil Servant woo the panegyrics of Society,
+    And hanker after posthumous applause,
+    It MAY happen that possession of a prodigal variety
+    Of talents will invalidate his cause.
+    He must learn to put a tether on his cerebral agility,
+    And focus all his energies of aim
+    On ONE isolated idol, or the Curse of Versatility
+    Will drag him from the pinnacle of Fame.
+
+    "Though the Curse may be upon ns, and condemn us for Eternity
+    To jostle with the ordinary horde;
+    Though we grovel at the shrine of the professional fraternity
+    Who harp upon one solitary chord;
+    Still...we face the situation with an imperturbability
+    Of spirit, from the knowledge that we owe
+    To the witchery that lingers in the Curse of Versatility
+    The balance of our happiness below."
+
+Of course, to some temperaments variety will appeal; whilst others
+revel in monotony. The latter are like a District Railway train,
+going perpetually round and round the same Inner Circle. As far as
+my experience goes, the former are the more interesting people to
+meet.
+
+To persons of my time of life, the last verse of "Forty years on"
+has a tendency to linger in the memory. It runs--
+
+    "Forty years on, growing older and older,
+    Shorter in wind, as in memory long,
+    Feeble of foot, and rheumatic of shoulder,
+    What will it help you that once you were strong?"
+
+Although it is now fifty, instead of "forty years on," I
+indignantly disclaim the "feeble of foot," whilst reluctantly
+pleading guilty to "rheumatic of shoulder." It is common to most
+people, as they advance in life, to note with a sorrowful
+satisfaction the gradual decay of the physical powers of their
+contemporaries, though they always seem to imagine that they
+themselves have retained all their pristine vigour, and have
+successfully resisted every assault of Time's battering-ram. The
+particular sentiment described in German as "Schadenfreude,"
+"pleasure over another's troubles" (how characteristic it is that
+there should be no equivalent in any other language for this
+peculiarly Teutonic emotion!), makes but little appeal to the
+average Briton except where questions of age and of failing powers
+come into play, and obviously this only applies to men: no lady
+ever grows old for those who are really fond of her; one always
+sees her as one likes best to think of her.
+
+I have already divulged one family secret, so I will reveal
+another. Some few years ago my three eldest brothers were dining
+together. Each of them professed deep concern at the palpable
+signs of physical decay which he detected in his brethren, whilst
+congratulating himself on remaining untouched by advancing years.
+The dispute became acrimonious to a degree; the grossest
+personalities were freely bandied about. At length it was decided
+to put the matter to a practical test, and it was agreed (I tell
+this in the strictest confidence) that the three brothers should
+run a hundred yards race in the street then and there.
+Accordingly, a nephew of mine paced one hundred yards in Montagu
+Street, Portman Square, and stood immovable as winning-post. The
+Chairman of the British South African Chartered Company, the
+Chairman of the Great Eastern Railway Company, and the Secretary
+of State for India took up their positions in the street and
+started. The Chairman of the Great Eastern romped home. We are all
+of us creatures of our environment, and we may become
+unconsciously coloured by that environment; as the Great Eastern
+Railway has always adopted a go-ahead policy, it is possible that
+some particle of the momentum which would naturally result from
+this may have been subconsciously absorbed by the Chairman, thus
+giving him an unfair advantage over his brothers. It is unusual
+for a Duke, a Chairman of an important Railway Company, and a
+Secretary of State to run races in a London street at ten o'clock
+at night, especially when the three of them were long past their
+sixtieth year, but I feel certain that my confidence about this
+little episode will be respected.
+
+I fear that this habit of running races late in life may be a
+family failing. During my father's second tenure of office as
+Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, he was still an enthusiastic
+cricketer, and played regularly in the Viceregal team in spite of
+his sixty-four years. The Rev. Dr. Mahaffy, Professor of Ancient
+History at Trinity College, Dublin, also played for the Viceregal
+Lodge in his capacity of Chaplain to the Viceroy. Dr. Mahaffy,
+though a fine bowler, was the worst runner I have ever seen. He
+waddled and paddled slowly over the ground like a duck, with his
+feet turned outwards, exactly as that uninteresting fowl moves. My
+father frequently rallied Dr. Mahaffy on his defective locomotive
+powers, and finally challenged him to a two hundred yards race. My
+father being sixty-four years old, and Dr. Mahaffy only thirty-
+six, it was agreed that the Professor should be handicapped by
+wearing cricket-pads, and by carrying a cricket bat. I was present
+at the race, which came off in the gardens of the Viceregal Lodge,
+before quite a number of people. My father won with the utmost
+ease, to the delirious joy of the two policemen on duty, who had
+never before seen a Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland racing a Professor
+of Trinity College.
+
+I myself must plead guilty to having entered for a "Veterans'
+Race" two years ago, at the age of sixty-one, at some Sunday
+School sports in Ireland. I ran against a butler, a gardener, two
+foremen-mechanics, and four farmers, but only achieved second
+place, and that at the price of a sprained tendon, so possibly the
+"feeble of foot" of the song really is applicable to me after all.
+The butler, who won, started off with the lead and kept it, though
+one would naturally have expected a butler to run a "waiting"
+race.
+
+I was at Harrow with the Duke of Aosta, brother of the beautiful
+Queen Margherita of Italy. H. R. H. sported a full curly yellow
+beard at the age of sixteen, a somewhat unusual adornment for an
+English schoolboy. When I accompanied my father's special Mission
+to Rome in 1878, at a luncheon at the Quirinal Palace, Queen
+Margherita alluded to her brother having been at Harrow, and
+added, "I am told that Harrow is the best school in England." The
+Harrovians present, including my father, my brother Claud, myself,
+the late Lord Bradford, and my brother-in-law the late Lord Mount
+Edgcumbe, welcomed this indisputable proposition warmly--nay,
+enthusiastically. The Etonians who were there, Sir Augustus Paget,
+then British Ambassador in Rome, the late Lord Northampton, and
+others, contravened her Majesty's obviously true statement with
+great heat, quite oblivious of the fact that it is opposed to all
+etiquette to contradict a Crowned Head. The dispute engendered
+considerable heat on either side; the walls of that hall in the
+Quirinal rang with our angered protests, until the Italians
+present became quite alarmed. Our discussion having taken place in
+English, they had been unable to follow it, and they felt the
+gravest apprehensions as to the plot the foreigners were evidently
+hatching. When told that we were merely discussing the rival
+merits of two schools in England, they were more than ever
+confirmed in their opinion that all English people were hopelessly
+mad.
+
+To one like myself, to whom it has fallen to visit almost every
+country on the face of the globe, there is always a tinge of
+melancholy in revisiting the familiar High Street of Harrow. It is
+like returning to the starting-point at the conclusion of a long
+race. The externals remain unchanged. Outwardly, the New Schools,
+the Chapel, the Vaughan Library, and the Head-Master's House all
+wear exactly the same aspect that they bore half a century ago.
+They have not changed, and the ever-renewed stream of young life
+flows through the place as joyously as it did fifty years ago.
+But....
+
+    "Oh, the great days in the distance enchanted,
+    Days of fresh air, in the rain and the sun."
+
+At times the imagination is apt to play tricks and to set back the
+hands of the clock, until one pictures oneself again in a short
+jacket and Eton collar, going up to school, with a pile of books
+hugged under the left arm, and the intervening half-century wiped
+out. But, as they would put it in Ireland, these lucky, fresh-
+faced youngsters of to-day have their futures in front of them,
+not behind them. Then it is that Howson's words, wedded to John
+Farmer's haunting refrain, come back to the mind--
+
+    "Yet the time may come as the years go by,
+    When your heart will thrill
+    At the thought of 'The Hill'
+    And the day that you came, so strange and shy."
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+
+Mme. Ducros--A Southern French country town--"Tartarin de
+Tarascon"--His prototypes at Nyons--M. Sisteron the roysterer--The
+Southern French--An octogenarian pesteur--French industry--"Bone-
+shakers"--A wonderful "Cordon-bleu"--"Slop-basin"--French legal
+procedure--The bons-vivants--The merry French judges--La gaiete
+francaise--Delightful excursions--Some sleepy old towns--Orange
+and Avignon--M. Thiers' ingenious cousin--Possibilities--French
+political situation in 1874--The Comte de Chambord--Some French
+characteristics--High intellectual level--Three days in a Trappist
+Monastery--Details of life there--The Arian heresy--Silkworm
+culture--Tendencies of French to complicate details--Some
+examples--Cicadas in London.
+
+As it had already been settled that I was to enter the Diplomatic
+Service, my father very wisely determined that I should leave
+Harrow as soon as I was seventeen to go to France, in order to
+learn French thoroughly. As he pointed out, it would take three
+years at least to become proficient in French and German, and it
+would be as well to begin at once.
+
+The French tutor selected for me enjoyed a great reputation at
+that time. Oddly enough, she was a woman, but it will be gathered
+that she was quite an exceptional woman, when I say that she had
+for years ruled four unruly British cubs, varying in age from
+seventeen to twenty, with an absolute rod of iron. Mme. Ducros was
+the wife of a French judge, she spoke English perfectly, and must
+have been in her youth a wonderfully good-looking woman. She was
+very tall, and still adhered to the dress and headdress of the
+"sixties," wearing little bunches of curls over each ear--a
+becoming fashion, even if rather reminiscent of a spaniel.
+
+The Ducros lived at Nyons in the south of France. Nyons lay
+twenty-five miles east of the main line from Paris to Marseilles,
+and could only be reached by diligence. I think that I can safely
+say that no foreigner (with the exception of the Ducros' pupils)
+had ever set foot in Nyons, for the place was quite unknown, and
+there was nothing to draw strangers there. It was an
+extraordinarily attractive spot, lying in a little circular cup of
+a valley of the Dauphine Alps, through which a brawling river had
+bored its way. Nyons was celebrated for its wine, its olive oil,
+its silk, and its truffles, all of them superlatively good. The
+ancient little walled town, basking in this sun-trap of a valley,
+stood out ochre-coloured against the silver-grey background of
+olive trees, whilst the jagged profiles of the encircling hills
+were always mistily blue, with that intense blue of which the
+Provence hills seem alone to have the secret. So few English
+people knew anything about the conditions of life in a little out-
+of-the-way French provincial town, where no foreigners have ever
+set foot, that it may be worth while saying something about them.
+In the first place, it must have been deadly dull for the
+inhabitants, for nothing whatever happened there. Even the
+familiar "tea and tennis," the stereotyped mild dissipation of
+little English towns, was quite unknown. There was no entertaining
+of any sort, beyond the formal visits the ladies were perpetually
+paying each other. The Ducros alone, occasionally, asking their
+legal friends to dinner, invitations accepted with the utmost
+enthusiasm, for the culinary genius who presided over the Ducros'
+kitchen (M. Dueros' own sister) deservedly enjoyed an enormous
+local reputation.
+
+Most people must be familiar with Alphonse Daudet's immortal work,
+Tartarin de Tarascon, in which the typical "Meridional" of
+Southern France is portrayed with such unerring exactitude that
+Daudet himself, after writing the book, was never able to set foot
+in Tarascon again.
+
+We had a cercle in Nyons, in the Place Napoleon (re-christened
+Place de la Republique after September 4, 1870), housed in three
+rather stately, sparsely furnished, eighteenth-century rooms.
+Here, with the exception of Tartarin himself, the counterparts of
+all Daudet's characters were to be found. "Le Capitaine Bravida"
+was represented by Colonel Olivier, a fiercely moustached and
+imperialled Crimean veteran, who perpetually breathed fire and
+swords on any potential enemy of France. "Costecalde" found his
+prototype in M. Sichap, who, although he had in all probability
+never fired off a gun in his life, could never see a tame pigeon,
+or even a sparrow flying over him, without instantly putting his
+walking-stick to his shoulder and loudly ejaculating, "Pan, pan,"
+which was intended to counterfeit the firing of both barrels of a
+gun. I once asked M. Sichap why so excellent a shot as he (with a
+walking-stick) invariably missed his bird with his first barrel,
+and only brought him down with his second. This was quite a new
+light to M. Sichap, who had hithered considered the double "Pan,
+pan," an indispensable adjunct to the pantomime of firing a gun;
+much as my young brother and I had once imagined "Ug, ug," an
+obligatory commencement to any remark made by a Red Indian
+"brave."
+
+In so remote a place as Nyons, over four hundred miles from the
+capital, the glamour of Paris exercised a magical attraction. The
+few inhabitants of Nyons who had ever visited Paris, or even
+merely passed through it, were never quite as other people, some
+little remnant of an aureole encircled them. The dowdy little wife
+of M. Pelissier, who had first seen the light in some grubby
+suburb of Paris, either Levallois-Perret or Clichy, held an
+immense position in Nyons on the strength of being "une vraie
+Parisienne," and most questions of taste were referred to her. M.
+Sisteron, the collector of taxes, himself a native of Nyons, had
+twenty years before gone to Paris on business, and spent four days
+there. There were the darkest rumours current in Nyons, to the
+effect that M. Sisteron had spent these four days in a whirl of
+the most frantic and abandoned dissipation. It was popularly
+supposed that these four days in Paris, twenty years ago, had so
+completely unsettled M. Sisteron that life in Nyons had lost all
+zest for him. He was perpetually hungering for the delirious joys
+of the metropolis; even the collection of taxes no longer afforded
+him the faintest gratification. Every inhabitant of Nyons was
+secretly proud of being able to claim so dare-devil a roysterer as
+a fellow-townsman. The memory of those rumored four hectic days in
+Paris clung round him like a halo; it became almost a pleasure to
+pay taxes to so celebrated a character. M. Sisteron was short,
+paunchy, bald, and bearded. He was a model husband and a pattern
+as a father. I am persuaded that he had spent those four days in
+Paris in the most blameless and innocuous fashion, living in the
+cheapest hotel he could find, and, after the manner of the people
+of Nyons, never spending one unnecessary franc. Still, the legend
+of his lurid four days, and of the amount of champagne he had
+consumed during them, persisted. In moments of expansion, his
+intimate friends would dig him in the ribs, remembering those four
+feverish days, with a facetious, "Ah! vieux polisson de Sisteron,
+va! Nous autres, nous n'avons pas fait des farces a Paris dans
+notre jeunesse!" to M. Sisteron's unbounded delight. It was in the
+genuine spirit of Tartarin de Tarascon, with all the mutual make-
+believe on both sides. His wife, Mme. Sisteron, was fond of
+assuring her friends that she owed her excellent health to the
+fact that she invariably took a bath twice a year, whether she
+required it or not.
+
+The other members of the cercle were also mostly short, tubby,
+black-bearded, and olive-complexioned. When not engaged in playing
+"manille" for infinitesimal points, they would all shout and
+gesticulate violently, as only Southern Frenchmen can, relapsing
+as the discussion grew more heated into their native Provencal,
+for though Nyons is geographically in Dauphine, climatically and
+racially it is in Provence. In Southern France the "Langue d'Oil,"
+the literary language of Paris and Northern France, has never
+succeeded in ousting the "Langue d'Oc," the language of the
+Troubadours. From hearing so much Provencal talked round me, I
+could not help picking up some of it. It was years before I could
+rid myself of the habit of inquiring quezaco? instead of "qu'est
+ce que c'est?" and of substituting for "Comment cela va-t-il?" the
+Provencal Commoun as? I found, too, that it was unusual elsewhere
+to address people in our Nyons fashion as "Te, mon bon!"
+
+Those swarthy, amply waistcoated, voluble little men were really
+very good fellows in spite of their excitability and torrents of
+talk.
+
+The Southern Frenchmen divide Europe into the "Nord" and the
+"Midi." The "Nord" is hardly worth talking about, the sun never
+really shines there, and no garlic or oil is used in cookery in
+those benighted regions. The town of Lyons is considered to be in
+the "Nord," although we should consider it well in the south of
+France. To the curious in such matters, it may be pointed out that
+the line of demarcation between "Nord" and "Midi" is perfectly
+well defined. In travelling from Paris to Marseilles, between
+Valence and Montelimar, the observer will note that quite abruptly
+the type of house changes. In place of the high-pitched roof of
+Northern Europe the farm-houses suddenly assume flat roofs of
+fluted tiles, with projecting eaves, after the Italian fashion; at
+the same time the grey-green olive trees put in a first
+appearance. Then you are in the "Midi," and any black-bearded,
+olive-complexioned, stumpy little men in the carriage will give a
+sigh of relief, for now, at last, the sun will begin to shine.
+
+Nyons had been for two hundred years a Huguenot stronghold, so for
+a French town an unusual proportion of its inhabitants were
+Protestants, and there was, oddly enough, a colony of French
+Wesleyans there.
+
+M. Ducros' father had been the Protestant pasteur of Nyons for
+forty-four years. He was eighty-six years old, and on week-days
+the old gentleman dozed in the sun all day, and was quite senile
+and gaga. On Sundays, no sooner had he ascended the pulpit than
+his faculties seemed to return to him, and he would preach
+interminable but perfectly coherent sermons with a vigour
+astonishing in so old a man, only to relapse into childishness
+again on returning home, and to remain senile till the following
+Sunday.
+
+The Ducros lived in a large farm-house on the outskirts of the
+town. It was a farm without any livestock, for there is no grass
+whatever in that part of France, and consequently no pasture for
+cattle or sheep. Every one in Nyons kept goats for milk, and,
+quaintly enough, they fed them on the dried mulberry leaves the
+silkworms had left over. For every one reared silkworms too, a
+most lucrative industry. The French speak of "making" silkworms
+(faire des vers-a-soie). Lucrative as it is, it would never
+succeed in England even if the white mulberry could be induced to
+grow, for successful silkworm rearing demands such continual
+watchfulness and meticulous attention as only French people can
+give; English people "couldn't be bothered" to expend such minute
+care on anything they were doing.
+
+Every foot of the Ducros' property was carefully cultivated, with
+vineyards above on the terraced hillside, olive-yards below, and
+mulberry trees on the lower levels. Our black mulberry, with its
+cloying, luscious fruit, is not the sort used for silkworms; it is
+the white mulberry, which does not fruit, that these clever little
+alchemists transmute into glossy, profitable cocoons of silk. The
+Ducros made their own olive-oil, and their own admirable wine.
+
+In that sun-drenched cup amongst the hills, roses bloomed all the
+year round. I always see Nyons with my inner eyes from the terrace
+in front of the house, the air fragrant with roses, and the
+soothing gurgle of the fountain below in my ears as it splashed
+melodiously into its stone reservoir, the little town standing out
+a vivid yellow against the silver background of olive trees, and
+the fantastic outlines of the surrounding hills steeped in that
+wonderful deep Provencal blue. In spite of its dullness, I and the
+three other pupils liked the place. We all grew very fond of the
+charming Ducros family, we appreciated the wonderful beauty of the
+little spot, we climbed all the hills, and, above all, we had each
+hired a velocipede. Not a bicycle (except that it certainly had
+two wheels); not a so-called "ordinary," as those machines with
+one immensely high, shining, nickel-plated wheel and a little
+dwarf brother following it, were for some inexplicable reason
+termed; but an original antediluvian velocipede, a genuine "bone-
+shaker": a clumsy contrivance with two high wooden wheels of equal
+height, and direct action. Even on the level they required an
+immense amount of muscle to drive them along, and up the smallest
+hill every ounce of available strength had to be brought into
+play. They did not steer well, were very difficult to get on and
+off, and gave us some awful falls; still we got an immense amount
+of fun out of them, and we scoured all the surrounding country on
+them, until all four of us developed gigantic calves which would
+have done credit to any coal-heaver.
+
+M. Ducros' sister was a brilliant culinary genius such as is only
+found in France. We were given truffled omelets, wonderful salads
+of eggs, anchovies, and tunny-fish, ducks with oranges and olives,
+and other delicacies of the Provencal cuisine prepared by a
+consummate artist, and those four English cubs termed them all
+"muck," and clamoured for plain roast mutton and boiled potatoes.
+It really was a case of casting pearls before swine! Those
+ignorant hobbledehoys actually turned up their noses at the
+admirable "Cotes du Rhone" wine, and begged for beer. In justice I
+must add that we were none of us used to truffles or olives, nor
+to the oil which replaces butter in Provencal cookery. Mlle.
+Louise, the sister, was pained, but not surprised. She had never
+left Nyons, and, from her experience of a long string of English
+pupils, was convinced that all Englishmen were savages. They
+inhabited an island enveloped in dense fog from year's end to
+year's end. They had never seen the sun, and habitually lived on
+half-raw "rosbif." It was only natural that such young barbarians
+should fail to appreciate the cookery of so celebrated a cordon-
+bleu, which term, I may add, is only applicable to a woman-cook,
+and can never be used of a man. This truly admirable woman made us
+terrines of truffled foie-gras such as even Strasburg could not
+surpass, and gave them to us for breakfast. I blush to own that
+those four benighted boys asked for eggs and bacon instead.
+
+Although M. Ducros had heard English talked around him for so many
+years, he had all the average Frenchman's difficulty in
+assimilating any foreign language. His knowledge of our tongue was
+confined to one word only, and that a most curiously chosen word.
+"Slop-basin" was the beginning and end of his knowledge of the
+English language. M. Ducros used his one word of English only in
+moments of great elation. Should, for instance, his sister Mlle.
+Louise have surpassed herself in the kitchen, M. Ducros, after
+tasting her chef d'oeuvre, would joyously ejaculate, "Slop-basin!"
+several times over. It was understood in his family that "slop-
+basin" always indicated that the master of the house was in an
+extremely contented frame of mind.
+
+The judicial system of France is not as concentrated as ours.
+Every Sous-prefecture in France has its local Civil Court with a
+Presiding Judge, an Assistant Judge, and a "Substitut." The
+latter, in small towns, is the substitute for the Procureur de la
+Republique, or Public Prosecutor. The legal profession in France
+is far more "clannish" than with us, for lawyers have always
+played a great part in the history of France. The so-called
+"Parlements" (not to be confounded with our Parliament) had had,
+up to the time of the French Revolution, very large powers indeed.
+They were originally Supreme Courts of Justice, but by the
+fifteenth century they could not only make, on their own account,
+regulations having the force of laws, but had acquired independent
+administrative powers. Originally the "Parlement de Paris" stood
+alone, but as time went on, in addition to this, thirteen or
+fourteen local "Parlements" administered France. After the
+Revolution, the term was only applied to Supreme Courts, without
+administrative powers. M. Ducros was Assistant Judge of the Nyons
+Tribunal, and the Ducros were rather fond of insisting that they
+belonged to the old noblesse de robe.
+
+As a child I could speak French as easily as English, and even
+after eight years of French lessons at school, my French was still
+tucked away in some corner of my head; but I had, of course, only
+a child's vocabulary, sufficient for a child's simple wants. Under
+Madame Ducros' skilful tuition I soon began to acquire an adult
+vocabulary, and it became no effort to me whatever to talk.
+
+The French judicial system seems to demand perpetual judicial
+inquiries (enquetes) in little country places. M. Ducros invited
+me to accompany him, the President, and the "Substitut" on one of
+these enquetes, and these three, with their tremendous spirits,
+their perpetual jokes, and above all with their delightful gaiete
+francaise, amused me so enormously, that I jumped at a second
+invitation. So it came about in time, that I invariably
+accompanied them, and when we started in the shabby old one-horse
+cabriolet soon after 7 a.m., "notre ami le petit Angliche" was
+always perched on the box. My suspicions may be unfounded, but I
+somehow think that these enquetes were conducted not so much on
+account of legal exigencies as for the gastronomic possibilities
+at the end of the journey, for all our inquiries were made in
+little towns celebrated for some local chef. These three merry
+bons-vivants revelled in the pleasures of the table, and on our
+arrival at our destinations, before the day's work was entered
+upon, there were anxious and even heated discussions with "Papa
+Charron," "Pere Vinay," or whatever the name of the local artist
+might be, as to the comparative merits of truffles or olives as an
+accompaniment to a filet, or the rival claims of mushrooms or
+tunny-fish as a worthy lining of an omelet. The legal business
+being all disposed of by two o'clock, we four would approach the
+great ceremony of the day, the midday dinner, with tense
+expectancy. The President could never keep out of the kitchen,
+from which he returned with most assuring reports: "Cette fois ca
+y est, mes amis," he would jubilantly exclaim, rubbing his hands,
+and even "Papa Charron" himself bearing in the first dish, his
+face scorched scarlet from his cooking-stove, would confidently
+aver that "MM. les juges seront contents aujourd'hui."
+
+The crowning seal of approbation was always put on by M. Ducros,
+who, after tasting the masterpiece, would cry exultantly, "Bravo!
+Slop-basin! Slop-basin!" should it fulfil his expectations. I have
+previously explained that M. Ducros' solitary word of English
+expressed supreme satisfaction, whilst his friends looked on, with
+unconcealed admiration at their colleague's linguistic powers. It
+sounds like a record of three gormandising middle-aged men; but it
+was not quite that, though, like most French people, they
+appreciated artistic cookery. It is impossible for me to convey in
+words the charm of that delightful gaiete francaise, especially
+amongst southern Frenchmen. It bubbles up as spontaneously as the
+sparkle of champagne; they were all as merry as children, full of
+little quips and jokes, and plays upon words. Our English "pun" is
+a clumsy thing compared to the finesse of a neatly-turned French
+calembour. They all three, too, had an inexhaustible supply of
+those peculiarly French pleasantries known as petites
+gauloiseries. I know that I have never laughed so much in my life.
+It is only southern Frenchmen who can preserve this unquenchable
+torrent of animal spirits into middle life. I was only seventeen;
+they were from twenty to thirty years my seniors, yet I do not
+think that we mutually bored each other the least. They did not
+need the stimulus of alcohol to aid this flow of spirits, for,
+like most Frenchmen of that class, they were very abstemious,
+although the "Patron" always produced for us "un bon vieux vin de
+derriere les fagots," or "un joli petit vin qui fait rire." It was
+sheer "joie de-vivre" stimulated by the good food and that
+spontaneous gaiete francaise which appeals so irresistibly to me.
+The "Substitut" always preserved a rather deferential attitude
+before the President and M. Ducros, for they belonged to the
+magistrature assise, whilst he merely formed part of the
+magistrature debout The French word magistrat is not the
+equivalent of our magistrate, the French term for which is "Juge
+de Paix." A magistrat means a Judge or a Public Prosecutor.
+
+From being so much with the judges, I grew quite learned in French
+legal terms, talked of the parquet (which means the Bar), and
+invariably termed the grubby little Nyons law-court the Palais. I
+rather fancy that I considered myself a sort of honorary member of
+the French Bar. Strictly speaking, Palais only applies to a Court
+of Law; old-fashioned Frenchmen always speak of the Chateau de
+Versailles, or the Chateau de Fontainbleau, never of the Palais.
+
+There was always plenty to see in these little southern towns
+whilst the judges were at work. In one village there was a perfume
+factory, where essential oils of sweet-scented geranium, verbena,
+lavender, and thyme were distilled for the wholesale Paris
+perfumers; a fragrant place, where every operation was carried on
+with that minute attention to detail which the French carry into
+most things that they do, for, unlike the inhabitants of an
+adjacent island, they consider that if a thing is worth doing at
+all, it is worth taking trouble over.
+
+In another village there was a wholesale dealer in silkworms'
+eggs, imported direct from China. Besides the eggs, he had a host
+of Chinese curios to dispose of, besides quaint little objects in
+everyday use in China.
+
+Above all there was Grignan, with its huge and woefully
+dilapidated chateau, the home of Mme. de Sevigne's daughter, the
+Comtesse de Grignan. It was to Grignan that this queen of letter-
+writers addressed much of her correspondence to her adored
+daughter, between 1670 and 1695, and Mme. de Sevigne herself was
+frequently a visitor there.
+
+Occasionally the judges, the Substitut, and I made excursions
+further afield by diligence to Orange, Vaucluse, and Avignon,
+quite outside our judicial orbit. Orange, a drowsy little spot,
+has still a splendid Roman triumphal arch and a Roman theatre in
+the most perfect state of preservation. Orange was once a little
+independent principality, and gives its name to the Royal Family
+of Holland, the sister of the last of the Princes of Orange having
+married the Count of Nassau, whence the House of Orange-Nassau.
+Indirectly, sleepy little Orange has also given its name to a
+widely-spread political and religious organisation of some
+influence.
+
+Vaucluse, most charming of places, in its narrow leafy valley,
+surrounded by towering cliffs, is celebrated as having been the
+home of Petrarch for sixteen years during the thirteen hundreds.
+We may hope that his worshipped Laura sometimes brightened his
+home there with her presence. The famous Fountain of Vaucluse
+rushes out from its cave a full-grown river. It wastes no time in
+infant frivolities, but settles down to work at once, turning a
+mill within two hundred yards of its birthplace.
+
+Avignon is another somnolent spot. The gigantic and gloomy Palace
+of the Popes dominates the place, though it is far more like a
+fortress than a palace. Here the Popes lived from 1309 to 1377
+during their enforced abandonment of Rome, and Avignon remained
+part of the Papal dominions until the French Revolution. The
+President took less interest in the Palace of the Popes than he
+did in a famous cook at one of the Avignon hotels. He could hardly
+recall some of the plats of this noted artist without displaying
+signs of deep emotion. These ancient towns on the banks of the
+swift-rushing green Rhone seemed to me to be perpetually dozing in
+the warm sun, like old men, dreaming of their historic and varied
+past since the days of the Romans.
+
+My French legal friends were much exercised by a recent decision
+of the High Court. M. Thiers had been President of the Republic
+from 1870 to 1873. A distant cousin of his living in Marseilles,
+being in pecuniary difficulties, had applied ineffectually to M.
+Thiers for assistance. Whereupon the resourceful lady had opened a
+restaurant in Marseilles, and had had painted over the house-front
+in gigantic letters, "Restaurant tenu par la cousine de Monsieur
+Thiers." She was proceeded against for bringing the Head of the
+State into contempt, was fined heavily, and made to remove the
+offending inscription. My French friends hotly contested the
+legality of this decision. They declared that it was straining the
+sense of the particular Article of the Code to make it applicable
+in such a case, and that it was illogical to apply the law of
+Lese-majeste to the Head of a Republican State. The President
+pertinently added that no evidence as to the quality of food
+supplied in the restaurant had been taken. If bad, it might
+unquestionably reflect injuriously on the Head of the State; if
+good, on the other hand, in view of the admitted relationship of
+the proprietress of the restaurant to him, it could only redound
+to M. Thiers' credit. This opens up interesting possibilities. If
+relationship to a prominent politician may be utilised for
+business purposes, we may yet see in English watering-places the
+facades of houses blazoned with huge inscriptions: "This Private
+Hotel is kept by a fourth cousin of Lord Rose--," whilst facing
+it, gold lettering proudly proclaims that "The Proprietress of
+this Establishment is a distant relative of Mr. Ar--Bal--"; or,
+to impart variety, at the next turning the public might perhaps be
+informed in gleaming capitals that "The Cashier in this Hotel is
+connected by marriage with Mr. As---." The idea really offers an
+unlimited field for private enterprise.
+
+The political situation in France was very strained at the
+beginning of 1874. Marshal MacMahon had succeeded M. Thiers as
+President of the Republic, and it was well known that the Marshal,
+as well as the Royalist majority in the French Chamber, favoured
+the restoration of the Bourbon Monarchy, represented by the Comte
+de Chambord, as head of the elder branch. People of the type of M.
+Ducros, and of the President of the Nyons Tribunal, viewed the
+possible return of a Legitimist Bourbon Monarchy with the gravest
+apprehension. Given the character of the Comte de Chambord, they
+felt it would be a purely reactionary regime. Traditionally, the
+elder branch of the Bourbons were incapable of learning anything,
+and equally incapable of forgetting anything. These two shrewd
+lawyers had both been vigorous opponents of the Bonapartist
+regime, but they pinned their faith on the Orleans branch,
+inexplicably enough to me, considering the treacherous record of
+that family. They never could mention the name of a member of the
+Orleans family without adding, "Ah! les braves gens!" the very
+last epithet in the world I should have dreamed of applying to
+them. All the negotiations with the Comte de Chambord fell
+through, owing to his obstinacy (to which I have referred earlier)
+in refusing to accept the Tricolor as the national flag. Possibly
+pig-headed obstinacy; but in these days of undisguised
+opportunism, it is rare to find a man who deliberately refuses a
+throne on account of his convictions. I do not think that the
+Comte de Chambord would have been a success in present-day British
+politics. A crisis was averted by extending Marshal MacMahon's
+tenure of the Presidency to seven years, the "Septennat," as it
+was called. Before two years the Orleanists, who had always a keen
+appreciation of the side on which their bread was buttered,
+"rallied" to the Republic. I rather fancy that some question
+connected with the return of the confiscated Orleans fortunes came
+into play here. The adherents of the Comte de Chambord always
+spoke of him as Henri V. For some reason (perhaps euphony) they
+were invariably known as "Henri Quinquists." In the same way, the
+French people speak of the Emperor Charles V. as "Charles Quint,"
+never as "Charles Cinq."
+
+My friends the Nyons lawyers were fond of alluding to themselves
+as forming part of the bonne bourgeoisie. It is this bonne
+bourgeoisie who form the backbone of France. Frugal, immensely
+industrious, cultured, and with a very high standard of honour,
+they are far removed from the frivolous, irresponsible types of
+French people to be seen at smart watering-places, and they are
+less dominated by that inordinate love of money which is an
+unpleasant element in the national character, and obscures the
+good qualities of the hard-working French peasants, making them
+grasping and avaricious.
+
+It must be admitted that this class of the French bourgeoisie
+surveys the world from rather a Chinese standpoint. The Celestial,
+as is well known, considers all real civilisation confined to
+China. Every one outside the bounds of the Middle Kingdom is a
+barbarian. This is rather the view of the French bourgeois. He is
+convinced that all true civilisation is centred in France, and
+that other countries are only civilised in proportion as French
+influence has filtered through to them. He will hardly admit that
+other countries can have an art and literature of their own,
+especially should neither of them conform to French standards.
+This is easily understood, for the average Frenchman knows no
+language but his own, has never travelled, and has no curiosity
+whatever about countries outside France. When, in addition, it is
+remembered how paramount French literary and artistic influence
+was during the greater portion of the seventeenth and eighteenth
+centuries, and how universal the use of the French language was in
+Northern Continental Europe amongst educated people, the point of
+view becomes quite intelligible.
+
+In spite of this, I enjoyed my excursions with these delightful
+French lawyers quite enormously. The other pupils never
+accompanied us, for they found it difficult to keep up a
+conversation in French.
+
+The average intellectual level is unquestionably far higher in
+France than in England, nor is it necessary to give, to a people
+accustomed for generations to understand a demi-mot, the elaborate
+explanations usually necessary in England when the conversation
+has got beyond the mental standards of a child six years old. The
+French, too, are not addicted to perpetual wool-gathering. Nor can
+I conceive of a Frenchwoman endeavouring to make herself
+attractive by representing herself as so hopelessly "vague" that
+she can never be trusted to remember anything, or to avoid losing
+all her personal possessions. Idiocy, whether genuine or feigned,
+does not appeal to the French temperament. The would-be
+fascinating lady would most certainly be referred to as "une dinde
+de premiere classe."
+
+The French are the only thoroughly logical people in the world,
+and their excessive development of the logical faculty leads them
+at times into pitfalls. "Ils ont lesdefauts de leurs qualites." In
+this country we have found out that systems, absolutely
+indefensible in theory, at times work admirably well in practice,
+and give excellent results. No Frenchman would ever admit that
+anything unjustifiable in theory could possibly succeed in
+practice--"Ce n'est pas logique," he would object, and there would
+be the end of it.
+
+The Substitut informed me one day that he was making a "retreat"
+for three days at the Monastery of La Trappe d'Aiguebelle, and
+asked me if I would care to accompany him. To pass three days in a
+Trappist Monastery certainly promised a novel experience, but I
+pointed out that I was a Protestant, and that I could hardly
+expect the monks to welcome me with open arms. He answered that he
+would explain matters, and that the difference of religion would
+be overlooked. So off we started, and after an interminable drive
+reached a huge, gaunt pile of buildings in very arid surroundings.
+The "Hospice" where visitors were lodged stood apart from the
+Monastery proper, the Chapel lying in between. It was explained to
+me that I must observe the rule of absolute silence within the
+building, and that I would be expected to be in bed by 8.15 p.m.
+and to rise at 5 a.m. like the rest of the guests. It was further
+conveyed to me that they hoped that I would see my way to attend
+Chapel at 5.30 a.m., afterwards I should be free for the remainder
+of the day. Talking and smoking were both permitted in the garden.
+I was given a microscopic whitewashed cell, most beautifully
+clean, containing a very small bed, one chair, a gas-jet, a prie-
+Dieu, a real human skull, and nothing else whatever. We went to
+dinner in a great arched refectory, where a monk, perched up in a
+high pulpit, read us Thomas a Kempis in a droning monotone.
+Complete silence was observed. At La Trappe no meat or butter is
+ever used, but we were given a most excellent dinner of vegetable
+soup, fish, omelets, and artichokes dressed with oil, accompanied
+by the monks' admirable home-grown wine. There were quite a number
+of visitors making "retreats," and I had hard work keeping the
+muscles of my face steady, as they made pantomimic signs to the
+lay-brothers who waited on us, for more omelet or more wine. After
+dinner the "Frere Hospitalier," a jolly, rotund little lay-
+brother, who wore a black stole over his brown habit as a sign
+that he was allowed to talk, drew me on one side in the garden. As
+I was a heretic (he put it more politely) and had the day to
+myself, would I do him a favour? He was hard put to it to find
+enough fish for all these guests; would I catch him some trout in
+the streams in the forest? I asked for nothing better, but I had
+no trout-rod with me. He produced a rod, SUCH a trout-rod! A long
+bamboo with a piece of string tied to it! To fish for trout with a
+worm was contrary to every tradition in which I had been reared,
+but adaptability is a great thing, so with two turns of a spade I
+got enough worms for the afternoon, and started off. The Foret
+d'Aiguebelle is not a forest in our acceptation of the term, but
+an endless series of little bare rocky hills, dotted with pines,
+and fragrant with tufts of wild lavender, thyme and rosemary. It
+was intersected with two rushing, beautifully clear streams. I
+cannot conceive where all the water comes from in that arid land.
+In sun-baked Nyons, water could be got anywhere by driving a
+tunnel into the parched hillsides, when sooner or later an
+abundant spring would be tapped. These French trout were either
+ridiculously unsophisticated, or else very weary of life: they
+simply asked to be caught. I got quite a heavy basket, to the
+great joy of the "Frere Hospitalier," and I got far more next day.
+Though we had to rise at five, we got no breakfast till eight, and
+a very curious breakfast it was. Every guest had a yard of bread,
+and two saucers placed in front of him; one containing honey, the
+other shelled walnuts. We dipped the walnuts in the honey, and ate
+them with the bread, and excellent they were. In the place of
+coffee, which was forbidden, we had hot milk boiled with borage to
+flavour it, quite a pleasant beverage. The washing arrangements
+being primitive, I waited until every one was safely occupied in
+Chapel for an hour and a half, and then had a swim in the
+reservoir which supplied the monastery with water, and can only
+trust that I did not dirty it much. I was greatly disappointed
+with the singing in the severe, unadorned Chapel; it was
+plainsong, without any organ or instrument. The effect of so great
+a body of voices might have been imposing had not the intonation
+(as kindly critics say at times of a debutante) been a little
+uncertain. As Trappists never speak, one could understand their
+losing their voices, but it seems curious that they should have
+lost their ears as well, though possibly it was only the visitors
+who sang so terribly out of tune.
+
+I was taken all over the Monastery next day by the "Pere
+Hospitalier," who, like his brown-frocked lay-brother, wore a
+black stole over his white habit, as a badge of office. With the
+exception of the fine cloisters, there were no architectural
+features whatever about the squat, massive pile of buildings. The
+modern chapel, studiously severe in its details, bore the
+unmistakable imprint of Viollet-le-Duc's soulless, mathematically
+correct Gothic. Personally, I think that Viollet-le-Duc spoiled
+every ancient building in France which he "restored." I was taken
+into the refectory to see the monks' dinners already laid out for
+them. They consisted of nothing but bread and salad, but with such
+vast quantities of each! Each monk had a yard-long loaf of bread,
+a bottle of wine and an absolute stable-bucket of salad, liberally
+dressed with oil and vinegar. The oil supplied the fat necessary
+for nutrition, still it was a meagre enough dinner for men who had
+been up since 3 a.m. and had done two hours' hard work in the
+vegetable gardens. The "Pere Hospitalier" told me that not one
+scrap of bread or lettuce would be left at the conclusion of the
+repast. The immense austerity of the place impressed me very much.
+The monks all slept on plank-beds, but they were not allowed to
+remain on these hard resting-places after 3 a.m. Their "Rule" was
+certainly a very severe one. I was told that the monks prepared
+Tincture of Arnica for medicinal purposes in an adjoining factory,
+arnica growing wild everywhere in the Forest, and that the sums
+realised by the sale of this drug added materially to their
+revenues.
+
+Next day both the Substitut and I were to be received by the
+Abbot. It struck me as desirable that we should have our
+interviews separately, for as the Substitut was making a
+"retreat," he might wish to say many private things to the Abbot
+which he would not like me, a heretic, to overhear. As soon as he
+had finished, I was ushered in alone to the Abbot's parlour. I
+found the Abbot very dignified and very friendly, but what
+possible subject of conversation could a Protestant youth of
+seventeen find which would interest the Father Superior of a
+French Monastery, presumably indifferent to everything that passed
+outside its walls? Suddenly I had an inspiration: the Arian
+Heresy! We had had four lessons on this interesting topic at
+Chittenden's five years earlier (surely rather an advanced subject
+for little boys of twelve!), and some of the details still stuck
+in my head. A brilliant idea! Soon we were at it hammer and tongs;
+discussing Arius, Alexander, and Athanasius; the Council of
+Nicaea, Hosius of Cordova, homo-ousion and homoi-ousion; Eusebius
+of Nicomedia, and his namesake of Caesarea.
+
+Without intending any disrespect to these two eminent Fathers of
+the Church, the two Eusebius' always reminded me irresistibly of
+the two Ajaxes of Offenbach's opera-bouffe. La Belle Helene, or,
+later on, of the "Two Macs" of the music-hall stage of the
+"nineties." I blessed Mr. Chittenden for having so thoughtfully
+provided me with conversational small-change suitable for Abbots.
+The Abbot was, I think, a little surprised at my theological lore.
+He asked me where I had acquired it, and when I told him that it
+was at school, he presumed that I had been at a seminary for
+youths destined for the priesthood, an idea which would have
+greatly shocked the ultra-Evangelical Mr. Chittenden.
+
+I was very glad that I had passed those three days at La Trappe,
+for it gave one a glimpse into a wholly unsuspected world. The
+impression of the tremendous severity with which the lives of the
+monks were regulated, remained with me. The excellent monks made
+the most absurdly small charges for our board and lodging. Years
+afterwards I spent a night in an Orthodox Monastery in Russia,
+when I regretfully recalled the scrupulous cleanliness of La
+Trappe. Never have I shared a couch with so many uninvited guests,
+and never have I been so ruthlessly devoured as in that Russian
+Monastery.
+
+With June at Nyons, silkworm time arrived. Three old women,
+celebrated for their skill in rearing silkworms, came down from
+the mountains, and the magnanerie, as lofts devoted to silkworm
+culture are called, was filled with huge trays fashioned with
+reeds. The old women had a very strenuous fortnight or so, for
+silkworms demand immense care and attention. The trays have to be
+perpetually cleaned out, and all stale mulberry leaves removed,
+for the quality and quantity of the silk depend on the most
+scrupulous cleanliness. To preserve an even temperature, charcoal
+fires were lighted in the magnanerie, until the little black
+caterpillars, having transformed themselves into repulsive flabby
+white worms, these worms became obsessed with the desire to
+increase the world's supply of silk, and to gratify them, twigs
+were placed in the trays for them to spin their cocoons on. The
+cocoons spun, they were all picked off, and baked in the public
+ovens of the town, in order to kill the chrysalis inside. Nothing
+prettier can be imagined than the streets of Nyons, with white
+sheets laid in front of every house, each sheet heaped high with
+glittering, shimmering, gleaming piles of silk-cocoons, varying
+in shade from palest straw-colour to deep orange. If pleasant to
+the eye, they were less grateful to the nose, for freshly baked
+cocoons have the most offensive odour. The silk-buyers from Lyons
+then made their appearance, and these shining heaps of gold thread
+were transformed into a more portable form of gold, which found
+its way into the pockets of the inhabitants.
+
+The peculiarly French capacity for taking infinite pains, of which
+a good example is this silkworm culture, has its drawbacks, when
+carried into administrative work. My friend M. David, the post-
+master of Nyons, showed me his official instructions. They formed
+a volume as big as a family Bible. It would have taken years to
+learn all these regulations. The simplest operations were made
+enormously complicated. Let any one compare the time required for
+registering a letter or a parcel in England, with the time a
+similar operation in France will demand. M. David showed me the
+lithographed sheet giving the special forms of numerals, 1, 2, 3,
+and so on, which French postal officials are required to make.
+These differ widely from the forms in general use.
+
+I have my own suspicions that similar sheets are issued to the
+cashiers in French restaurants. Personally, I can never read one
+single item in the bill, much less the cost, and I can only gaze
+in hopeless bewilderment at the long-tailed hieroglyphics,
+recalling a backward child's first attempts at "pot-hooks."
+
+The infinite capacity of the French for taking trouble, and their
+minute attention to detail, tend towards unnecessary complications
+of simple matters. Thus, on English railways we find two main
+types of signals sufficient for our wants, whereas on French lines
+there are five different main types of signal. On English lines we
+have two secondary signals, against eight in France, all differing
+widely in shape and appearance. Again, on a French locomotive the
+driver has far more combinations at his command for efficient
+working under varying conditions, than is the case in England. The
+trend of the national mind is towards complicating details rather
+than simplifying them.
+
+Delightful as was the winter climate of Nyons, that sun-scorched
+little cup amongst the hills became a place of positive torment as
+the summer advanced. The heat was absolutely unendurable. Day and
+night, thousands of cicades (the cigales of the French) kept up
+their incessant "dzig, dzig, dzig," a sound very familiar to those
+who have sojourned in the tropics. Has Nature given this singular
+insect the power of dispensing with sleep? What possible object
+can it hope to attain by keeping up this incessant din? If a love-
+song, surely the most optimistic cicada must realise that his
+amorous strains can never reach the ears of his lady-love, since
+hundreds of his brethren are all keeping up the same perpetual
+purposeless chirping, which must obviously drown any individual
+effort. Have the cicadas a double dose of gaiete francaise in
+their composition, and is this their manner of expressing it? Are
+they, like some young men we know, always yearning to turn night
+into day? All these are, and will remain, unsolved problems?
+
+As I found the summer heat of Nyons unbearable, I went back to
+England for a holiday, and, on the morning of my departure,
+climbed some olive trees and captured fourteen live cicadas, whom
+I imprisoned in a perforated cardboard box, and took back to
+London with me. Twelve of them survived the journey, and as soon
+as I had arrived, I carefully placed the cicadas on the boughs of
+the trees in our garden in Green Street, Grosvenor Square.
+Conceive the surprise of these travelled insects at finding
+themselves on the soot-laden branches of a grimy London tree! The
+dauntless little creatures at once recommenced their "dzig, dzig,
+dzig," in their novel environment, and kept it up uninterruptedly
+for twenty-four hours, in spite of the lack of appreciation of my
+family, who complained that their night's rest had been seriously
+interfered with by the unaccustomed noise. Next evening the
+cicadas were silent. Possibly they had been choked with soot, or
+had fallen a prey to London cats; but my own theory is that they
+succumbed to the after-effects of a rough Channel passage, to
+which, of course, they would not have been accustomed. Anyhow, for
+the first time in the history of the world, the purlieus of
+Grosvenor Square rang with the shrill chirping of cicadas for
+twenty-four hours on end.
+
+Six months later I regretfully bid farewell to Nyons, and went
+direct from there to Germany. After studying the Teutonic tongue
+for two and a half years at Harrow I was master of just two words
+in it, ja and nein, so unquestionably there were gaps to fill up.
+
+I was excedingly sorry to leave the delightful Ducros family who
+had treated me so kindly, and I owe a deep debt of gratitude to
+comely Mme. Ducros for the careful way in which she taught me
+history. In teaching history she used what I may call the synoptic
+method, taking periods of fifty years, and explaining
+contemporaneous events in France, Italy, Germany, and England
+during that period.
+
+With the exception of one friendly visit to the Ducros, I have
+never seen pleasant Nyons again. Of late years I have often
+meditated a pilgrimage to that sunny little cup in the Dauphine
+hills, but have hesitated owing to one of the sad penalties
+advancing years bring with them; every single one of my friends,
+man or woman, must have passed away long since. I can see Nyons,
+with its encircling fringe of blue hills, just as vividly,
+perhaps, with my inner eyes as I could if it lay actually before
+me, and now I can still people it with the noisy, gesticulating
+inhabitants whom I knew and liked so much.
+
+I may add that in Southern French style Nyons is pronounced
+"Nyonsse," just as Carpentras is termed "Carpentrasse."
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+
+Brunswick--Its beauty--High level of culture--The Brunswick
+Theatre--Its excellence--Gas vs. electricity--Primitive theatre
+toilets--Operatic stars in private life--Some operas unknown in
+London--Dramatic incidents in them--Levasseur's parody of
+"Robert"--Some curious details about operas--Two fiery old Pan-
+Germans--Influence of the teaching profession on modern Germany--
+The "French and English Clubs"--A meeting of the "English Club"--
+Some reflections about English reluctance to learn foreign tongues
+--Mental attitude of non-Prussians in 1875--Concerning various
+beers--A German sportsman--The silent, quinine-loving youth--The
+Harz Mountains--A "Kettle-drive" for hares--Dialects of German--
+The odious "Kaffee-Klatsch"--Universal gossip--Hamburg's
+overpowering hospitality--Hamburg's attitude towards Britain--The
+city itself--Trip to British Heligoland--The island--Some
+peculiarities--Migrating birds--Sir Fitzhardinge Maxse--Lady
+Maxse--The Heligoland Theatre--Winter in Heligoland.
+
+BRUNSWICK had been selected for me as a suitable spot in which to
+learn German, and to Brunswick I accordingly went. As I was then
+eighteen years old, I did not care to go to a regular tutor's, but
+wished to live in a German family, where I was convinced I could
+pick up the language in far shorter time. I was exceedingly
+fortunate in this respect. A well-to-do Managing Director of some
+jute-spinning mills had recently built himself a large house. Mr.
+Spiegelberg found not only that his new house was unnecessarily
+big for his family, but he also discovered that it had cost him a
+great deal more than he had anticipated. He was quite willing,
+therefore, to enter into an arrangement for our mutual benefit.
+
+Brunswick is one of the most beautiful old towns in Europe, Its
+narrow, winding streets are (or, perhaps, were) lined with
+fifteenth and sixteenth century timbered houses, each storey
+projecting some two feet further over the street than the one
+immediately below it, and these wooden house-fronts were one mass
+of the most beautiful and elaborate carving. Imagine Staples Inn
+in Holborn double its present height, and with every structural
+detail chiselled with patient care into intricate patterns of
+fruit and foliage, and you will get some idea of a Brunswick
+street. The town contained four or five splendid old churches, and
+their mediaeval builders had taken advantage of the dead-flat,
+featureless plain in which Brunswick stands, to erect such lofty
+towers as only the architects in the Low Countries ever devised;
+towers which served as landmarks for miles around, their soaring
+height silhouetted against the pale northern sky. The irregular
+streets and open places contained one or two gems of Renaissance
+architecture, such as the stone-built Town Hall and "Guild House,"
+both very similar in character to buildings of the same date in
+sleepy old Flemish towns. The many gushing fountains of mediaeval
+bronze and iron-work in the streets added to the extraordinary
+picturesqueness of the place. It was like a scene from an opera in
+real life. It always puzzled me to think how the water for these
+fountains can have been provided on that dead-flat plain in pre-
+steam days. There must have been pumps of some sort. Before 1914,
+tens of thousands of tourists visited Nuremberg annually, but the
+guide-books are almost silent about Brunswick, which is fully as
+picturesque.
+
+The standard of material comfort appeared far higher in Brunswick
+than in a French provincial town. The manner in which the
+Spiegelbergs' house was fitted up seemed very elaborate after the
+simple appointments of the Ducros' farm-house, though nothing in
+the world would have induced me to own one single object that this
+Teutonic residence contained. The Spiegelbergs treated me
+extremely kindly, and I was fortunate in being quartered on such
+agreeable people.
+
+At Nyons there was not one single bookseller, but Brunswick
+bristled with book-shops, and, in addition, there were two of
+those most excellent lending libraries to be found in every German
+town. Here almost every book ever published in German or English
+was to be found, as well as a few very cautiously selected French
+ones, for German parents were careful then as to what their
+daughters read.
+
+The great resource of Brunswick was the theatre, such a theatre as
+does not exist in any French provincial town, and such a theatre
+as has never even been dreamed of in any British town. It was
+fully as large as Drury Lane, and was subsidised by the State. I
+really believe that every opera ever written was given here, and
+given quite admirably. In this town of 60,000 inhabitants, in
+addition to the opera company, there was a fine dramatic company,
+as well as a light opera company, and a corps de ballet. Sunday,
+Tuesday and Saturday were devoted to grand opera, Monday to
+classical drama (Schiller or Shakespeare), Wednesday to modern
+comedy, Friday to light opera or farce. The bill was constantly
+changing, and every new piece produced in Berlin or Vienna was
+duly presented to the Brunswick public. There are certainly some
+things we can learn from Germany! The mounting of the operas was
+most excellent, and I have never seen better lighting effects than
+on the Brunswick stage, and this, too, was all done by gas,
+incandescent electric light not then being dreamed of even. I had
+imagined in my simplicity that effects were far easier to produce
+on the modern stage since the introduction of electric light. Sir
+Johnston Forbes-Robertson, than whom there can be no greater
+authority, tells me that this is not so. To my surprise, he
+declares that electric light is too crude and white, and that it
+destroys all illusion. He informs me that it is impossible to
+obtain a convincing moonlight effect with electricity, or to give
+a sense of atmosphere. Gas-light was yellow, and colour-effects
+were obtained by dropping thin screens of coloured silk over the
+gas-battens in the flies. This diffused the light, which a crude
+blue or red electric bulb does not do. Sir Johnston Forbes-
+Robertson astonished me by telling me that Henry Irving always
+refused to have electric light on the stage at the Lyceum, though
+he had it in the auditorium. All those marvellous and complicated
+effects, which old playgoers must well recollect in Irving's
+Lyceum productions, were obtained with gas. I remember the lovely
+sunset, with its after-glow fading slowly into night, in the
+garden scene of the Lyceum version of Faust, and this was all done
+with gas. The factor of safety is another matter. With rows of
+flaming gas-battens in the flies, however carefully screened off,
+and another row of "gas lengths" in the wings, and flaring
+"ground-rows" in close proximity to highly inflammable painted
+canvas, the inevitable destiny of a gas-lit theatre is only a
+question of time. The London theatres of the "sixties" all had a
+smell of mingled gas and orange-peel, which I thought delicious.
+
+Mr. Spiegelberg most sensibly suggested that as I was absolutely
+ignorant of German, the easiest manner in which I could accustom
+my ears to the sound of the language would be to take an
+abonnement at the theatre, and to go there nightly. So for the
+modest sum of thirty shillings per month, I found myself entitled
+to a stall in the second row, with the right of seeing thirty
+performances a month. I went every night to the theatre, and there
+was no monotony about it, for the same performance was never
+repeated twice in one month. I have seen, I think, every opera
+ever written, and every single one of Shakespeare's tragedies. A
+curious trait in the German character is petty vindictiveness. A
+certain Herr Behrens had signed a contract as principal bass with
+the Brunswick management. Getting a far more lucrative offer from
+Vienna, the prudent Behrens had paid a fine, and thrown over the
+Brunswick theatre. For eighteen months the unfortunate man was
+pilloried every night on the theatre programmes. Every play-bill
+had printed on it in large letters, "Kontrakt-bruchig Herr
+Behrens," never allowing the audience to forget that poor Behrens
+was a convicted "contract-breaker."
+
+Half Brunswick went to the theatre every night of its life. The
+ladies made no pretence of elaborate toilets, but contented
+themselves with putting two tacks into the necks of their day
+gowns so as to make a V-shaped opening. (With present fashions
+this would not be necessary.) Over this they placed one of those
+appalling little arrangements of imitation lace and blue or pink
+bows, to be seen in the shop windows of every German town, and
+known, I think, as Theater-Garnitures. They then drew on a pair of
+dark plum-coloured gloves, and their toilet was complete. The
+contrast between the handsome white-and-gold theatre and the rows
+of portly, dowdy matrons, each one with her ample bosom swathed in
+a piece of antimacassar, was very comical. Every abonne had his
+own peg for hanging his coat and hat on, and this, and the fact
+that one's neighbours in the stalls were invariably the same, gave
+quite a family atmosphere to the Brunswick theatre.
+
+The conductor was Franz Abt the composer, and the musical standard
+of the operatic performances was very high indeed. The mounting
+was always excellent, but going to the theatre night after night,
+some of the scenery became very familiar. There was a certain
+Gothic hall which seemed to share the mobile facilities of
+Aladdin's palace. This hall was ubiquitous, whether the action of
+the piece lay in Germany, Italy, France, or England, Mary Queen of
+Scots sobbed in this hall; Wallenstein in Schiller's tragedy
+ranted in it; Rigoletto reproved his flighty daughter in it. It
+seemed curious that personages so widely different should all have
+selected the same firm of upholsterers to fit up their sanctums.
+
+The Spiegelbergs had many friends in the theatrical world, and I
+was immensely thrilled one evening at learning that after the
+performance of Lohengrin, Elsa and the Knight of the Swan were
+coming home to supper with us. When Elsa appeared on the balcony
+in the second act, and the moon most obligingly immediately
+appeared to light up her ethereal white draperies, I was much
+excited at reflecting that in two hours' time I might be handing
+this lovely maiden the mustard, and it seemed hardly credible that
+the resplendent Lohengrin would so soon abandon his swan in favour
+of the homely goose that was awaiting him at the Spiegelbergs',
+although the latter would enjoy the advantage of being roasted.
+
+I was on the tip-toe of expectation until the singers arrived.
+Fraulein Scheuerlein, the soprano, was fat, fair, and forty, all
+of them perhaps on the liberal side. As she burst into the room,
+the first words I heard from the romantic Elsa, whom I had last
+seen sobbing over her matrimonial difficulties, were: "Dear Frau
+Spiegelberg, my..." (Elsa here used a blunt dissyllable to
+indicate her receptacle for food) "is hanging positively crooked
+with hunger. Quick! For the love of Heaven, some bread and butter
+and sausage, or I shall faint;" so the first words the heroine of
+the evening addressed to me were somewhat blurred owing to her
+mouth being full of sausage, which destroyed most of the glamour
+of the situation. Hedwig Scheuerlein was a big, jolly, cheery
+South-German, and she was a consummate artist in spite of her
+large appetite, as was the tenor Schrotter too. Schrotter was a
+fair-bearded giant, who was certainly well equipped physically for
+playing "heroic" parts. He had one of those penetrating virile
+German tenor voices that appeal to me. These good-natured artists
+would sing us anything we wanted, but it was from them that I
+first got an inkling of those petty jealousies that are such a
+disagreeable feature of the theatrical world in every country.
+Buxom Scheuerlein was a very good sort, and I used to feel
+immensely elated at receiving in my stall a friendly nod over the
+footlights from Isolde, Aida, Marguerite, or Lucia, as the case
+might be.
+
+I wonder why none of Meyerbeer's operas are ever given in London.
+The "books," being by Scribe, are all very dramatic, and lend
+themselves to great spectacular display; Meyerbeer's music is
+always melodious, and has a certain obvious character about it
+that would appeal to an average London audience. This is
+particularly true with regard to the Prophete. The Coronation
+scene can be made as gorgeous as a Drury Lane pantomime, and the
+finale of the opera is thrilling, though the three Anabaptists are
+frankly terrible bores. As given at Brunswick, in the last scene
+the Prophet, John of Leyden, is discovered at supper with some
+boon companions in rather doubtful female society. In the middle
+of his drinking-song the palace is blown up. There is a loud
+crash; the stage grows dark; hall, supper-table, and revellers all
+disappear; and the curtain comes down slowly on moonlight shining
+over some ruins, and the open country beyond. A splendid climax!
+Again, the third act of Robert le Diable is magnificently
+dramatic. Bertram, the Evil One in person, leads Robert to a
+deserted convent whose nuns, having broken the most important of
+their vows, have all been put to death. The curtain goes up on the
+dim cloisters of the convent, the cloister-garth, visible through
+the Gothic arches of the arcade, bathed in bright moonlight
+beyond. Bertram begins his incantations, recalling the erring nuns
+from the dead. Very slowly the tombs in the cloister open, and dim
+grey figures, barely visible in the darkness, creep silently out
+from the graves. Bertram waves his arms over the cloister-garth,
+and there, too, the tombs gape apart, and more shadowy spectres
+emerge. Soon the stage is full of these faint grey spectral forms.
+Bertram lifts his arms. The wicked nuns throw off their grey
+wrappers, and appear glittering in scarlet and gold; the stage
+blazes with light, and the ballet, the famous "Pas de
+Fascination," begins. When really well done, this scene is
+tremendously impressive.
+
+I once heard in Paris, Levasseur, the French counterpart of our
+own Corney Grain, giving a skit on Robert le Diable, illustrating
+various stage conventions. Levasseur, seated at his piano, and
+keeping up an incessant ripple of melody, talked something like
+this, in French, of course:--
+
+"The stage represents Isabelle's bedroom. As is usual with stage
+bedrooms, Isabelle's bower is about the size of an average
+cathedral. It is very sparsely furnished, but near the footlights
+is a large gilt couch, on which Isabelle is lying fast asleep.
+Robert enters on tip-toe very very gently, so as not to disturb
+his beloved, and sings in a voice that you could hear two miles
+off, 'Isa-belle!' dropping a full octave on the last note.
+Isabelle half awakes, and murmurs, 'I do believe I heard
+something. I feel so nervous!' Robert advances a yard, and sings
+again, if anything rather louder, 'Isa-belle!' Isabelle says:
+'Really, my nerves do play me such tricks! I can't help fancying
+that there is some one in the room, and I am so terribly afraid of
+burglars. Perhaps it is only a mouse.' Robert advances right up to
+Isabelle's bed, and shouts for the third time in a voice that
+makes the chandelier ring again, 'Isa-belle!' Isabelle says, 'I
+don't think that I can have imagined that. There really is some
+one in the room. I'm terribly frightened, and don't quite know
+what to do,' so she gets out of bed, and anxiously scans the
+stalls and boxes over the footlights for signs of an intruder.
+Finding no one there but the audience, she then searches the
+gallery fruitlessly, and getting a sudden inspiration, she looks
+behind her, and, to her immense astonishment, finds her lover
+standing within a foot of her." This, as told with Levasseur's
+inimitable drollery, was excruciatingly funny.
+
+Robert is an expensive opera to put on, for, owing to hideous
+jealousies at the Paris Opera, Meyerbeer was compelled to write
+two prima-donna parts which afforded the rival ladies exactly
+equal opportunities. In the same way Halevy, the composer of La
+Juive, had to re-arrange and transpose his score, for Adolphe
+Nourrit, the great Paris tenor, in 1835, when the opera was first
+produced, was jealous of the splendid part the bass had been
+given, the tenor's role being quite insignificant. So it came
+about that La Juive is the only opera in which the grey-bearded
+old father is played by the principal tenor, whilst the lover is
+the light tenor. Mehul's Biblical Joseph and his Brethren is the
+one opera in which there are no female characters, though
+"Benjamin" is played by the leading soprano. In both the Prophete
+and Favorita the contralto plays the principal part, the soprano
+having a very subsidiary role. Meyerbeer wrote the part of the
+Prophet himself specially for Roger, the great tenor, and that of
+"Fides" for Mme. Viardot. By the way, the famous skating scene in
+the Prophete was part of the original production in Paris of 1849,
+and yet we think roller-skating an invention of yesterday.
+
+I had German lessons from a Professor Hentze. This old man was the
+first example of a militant German that I had come across. He was
+always talking of Germany's inevitable and splendid destiny.
+Although a Hanoverian by birth, he was a passionate admirer of
+Bismarck and Bismarck's policy, and was a furious Pan-German in
+sentiment. "Where the German tongue is heard, there will be the
+German Fatherland," he was fond of quoting in the original. As he
+declared that both Dutch and Flemish were but variants of Low
+German, he included Holland and Belgium in the Greater Germany of
+the future, as well as the German-speaking Cantons of Switzerland,
+and Upper and Lower Austria. Mentally, he possibly included a
+certain island lying between the North Sea and the Atlantic as
+well, though, out of regard for my feelings, he never mentioned
+it. Hentze taught English and French in half a dozen boys' and
+girls' schools in Brunswick, and his brother taught history in the
+"Gymnasium." These two mild-mannered be-spectacled old bachelors,
+who in their leisure moments took snuff and played with their
+poodle, were tremendous fire-eaters. They were both enormously
+proud of the exploits of a cousin of theirs who, under the guise
+of a harmless commercial traveller in wines, had been engaged in
+spying and map-making for five years in Eastern France prior to
+1870. It was, they averred (no doubt truthfully enough), owing to
+the labours of their cousin and of countless others like him, that
+the Franco-Prussian War of 1870-71 had been such an overwhelming
+success for Germany. Where German interests were concerned, these
+two old brothers could see nothing under a white light. And
+remember that they were teachers and trainers of youth; it was
+they who had the moulding of the minds of the young generation. I
+think that any one who knows Germany well will agree with me that
+it is the influence of the teaching class, whether in school or
+university, that has transformed the German mentality so greatly
+during the last forty years. These two mild-mannered old Hentzes
+must have infected scores and hundreds of lads with their own
+aggressively militant views. By perpetually holding up to them
+their own dream of a Germany covering half Europe, they must have
+transmitted some of their own enthusiasm to their pupils, and
+underlying that enthusiasm was a tacit assumption that the end
+justified any means; that provided the goal were attained, the
+manner in which it had been arrived at was a matter of quite
+secondary importance. I maintain that the damnable spirit of modern
+Germany is mainly due to the teaching profession, and to the
+doctrines it consistently instilled into German youth.
+
+The Hentzes took in eight resident German pupils who attended the
+various schools in the town, mostly sons of wealthy Hamburg
+business-people. Hentze was always urging me to associate more
+with these lads, three of whom were of my own age, but I could
+discover no common ground whatever on which to meet them. The
+things that interested me did not appeal to them, and vice versa.
+They seemed to me dull youths, heavy alike in mind and body. From
+lack of sufficient fresh air and exercise they had all dull eyes,
+and flabby, white faces that quivered like blancmanges when they
+walked. In addition, they obstinately refused to talk German with
+me, looking on me as affording an excellent opportunity for
+obtaining a gratuitous lesson in English. One of Hentze's pupils
+was a great contrast, physically, to the rest, for he was very
+spare and thin, and seldom opened his mouth. I was to see a great
+deal of this silent, slim lad later on.
+
+Mr. Spiegelberg was a prominent member of the so-called English
+and French Club in Brunswick. This was not in the least what its
+name would seem to indicate; the members of the Club were not
+bursting with overwhelming love for our language and institutions,
+nor were they consumed with enthusiastic admiration for French art
+and literature. They were merely some fifteen very practical
+Brunswick commercial men, who, realising that a good working
+knowledge of English and French would prove extremely useful to
+them in their business relations, met at each other's houses in
+rotation on one night a week during the winter months, when the
+host of the evening provided copious supplies of wine, beer and
+cigars. For one hour and a half the members of the Club had to
+talk English or French as the case might be, under a penalty of a
+fine of one thaler (three shillings) for every lapse into their
+native German. Mr. Spiegelberg informed me that I had been elected
+an honorary member of the English and French Club, which flattered
+my vanity enormously at the time. In the light of more mature
+experience I quite understand that the presence of a youth to whom
+knotty points in both languages could be submitted would be a
+considerable asset to the Club, but I then attributed my election
+solely to my engaging personality. These Club evenings amused me
+enormously, though incidentally they resulted in my acquiring a
+precocious love of strong, rank Hamburg cigars. Let us imagine
+fifteen portly, be-spectacled, middle-aged or elderly men seated
+around a table groaning under a collection of bottles of all
+shapes and sizes, addressing each other in laboured inverted
+English. The German love of titles is a matter of common
+knowledge. All these business men had honorific appellations which
+they translated into English and introduced scrupulously into
+every sentence. The conversation was something like this:
+
+"But, Mr. Over-Inspector of Railways, I do not think that you
+understand rightly what Mr. Factory Director Spiegelberg says. Mr.
+Factory Director also spins jute. To make concurrenz with Dundee
+in Schottland, he must produce cheaply. To produce cheaply he must
+become...no, obtain new machinery from Leeds in England. If that
+machinery is duty-payable, Mr. Factory Director cannot produce so
+cheaply. That seems to me clear. Once our German industries
+established are, then we will see. That is another matter."
+
+"I take the liberty to differ, Mr. Councillor of Commerce. How
+then shall our German industries flourish, if they not protected
+be? What for a doctrine is that? Mr. Factory Director Spiegelberg
+thinks only of jute. Outside jute, the German world of commerce is
+greater, and with in-the-near-future-to-be-given railways
+facilities, vast and imposing shortly shall be."
+
+"What Mr. Councillor of Commerce just has said, is true. You, Mr.
+Over-Inspector of Railways, and also you, Mr. Ducal Supervisor of
+Forests, are not merchants like us, but much-skilled specialists;
+so is the point of view different, Mr. Town Councillor Balhorn,
+you have given us most brilliant beer to-night. This is no beer of
+here, it must be real Munich. It tastes famous. Prosit!"
+
+"I thank you, Mr. Court Councillor. In the place, gentlemen, of
+with-anger-discussing Free Trade, let us all drink some Munich
+beer. Discussion is good, but beer with content is better."
+
+Now I put it to you--could any one picture fifteen English
+business men in Manchester, Liverpool, or Leeds doing anything so
+sensible as to meet once a week amongst themselves, to acquire
+proficiency and fluency in French, Spanish, or German, all of
+which languages they must presumably require at times for the
+purposes of their business. Every one knows that it is
+unthinkable. No Englishman could be bothered to take the trouble.
+Why is it that English people have this extraordinary reluctance
+to learn any foreign language? It is certainly not from want of
+natural ability to do so, though this natural aptitude may be
+discounted by the difficulty most English people experience in
+keeping their minds concentrated. I venture to assert
+unhesitatingly that, with the exception of Dutch and Russian
+people, English folk learn foreign languages with greater ease
+than any other nationality. This is notably true with regard to
+Russian and Spanish. The English throat is more flexible than that
+of the Frenchman or German, and, with the one exception of French,
+there are no unwonted sounds in any European language that an
+Englishman cannot reproduce fairly accurately. We have something
+like the hard Russian "l" in the last syllable of "impossible,"
+and to the Scottish or Irish throat the Dutch hard initial
+guttural, and the Spanish soft guttural offer but little
+difficulty. "Jorje," which looks like "George" spelt phonetically,
+but is pronounced so very differently, can easily be mastered, and
+that real teaser "gracht," the Dutch for "canal," with a strong
+guttural at either end of it, eomes easily out of a Scottish
+throat. The power to acquire these tongues is there, but the
+inclination is woefully lacking.
+
+Some ten years ago I went out to Panama to have a look at the
+canal works. On board the mail-steamer there were twelve
+commercial travellers representing British firms, bound for the
+West Coast of South America. Ten of these twelve were Germans, all
+speaking English and Spanish fluently in addition to their native
+German. The other two were English, not knowing one word of any
+language but their own. I had a long talk with these two
+Englishmen, and asked them whether they were familiar with the
+varying monetary standards of the countries they were going to
+visit; for the nominal dollar represents a widely different value
+in each South American State. No, they knew nothing whatever about
+this, and were quite ignorant of Spanish-American weights and
+measures. Now what possible object did the firms sending out these
+ill-equipped representatives hope to attain? Could they in their
+wildest moments have supposed that they would get one single order
+through their agency? And how came it about that these young men
+were so ignorant of the language and customs of the countries they
+were proposing to travel? During the voyage I noticed the German
+travellers constantly conversing with South Americans from the
+Pacific Coast, in an endeavour to improve their working knowledge
+of Spanish; meanwhile the young Englishmen played deck-quoits and
+talked English. That in itself is quite sufficiently
+characteristic. In Manchester there is a firm who do a large
+business in manufacturing brightly coloured horse-trappings for
+the South American market. I speak with some confidence about
+this, for I have myself watched those trappings being made. Most
+of the "ponchos" used in the Argentine are woven in Glasgow. Why
+is it that in these two great industrial centres no one seems to
+have thought of establishing a special class in any of the
+numerous schools and colleges for training youths as commercial
+travellers in foreign countries? They would have, in addition to
+learning two or three languages, to get used to making quick
+calculations in dollars and cents, and in dollars of very varying
+values; they would also have to learn to THINK quickly in weights
+and measures different to those to which they had been accustomed.
+Why should British firms be compelled to use German travellers,
+owing to the ineptitude of their own countrymen? The power to
+learn is there; it is only the will that is lacking, and in
+justice I must add, perhaps the necessary facilities. People who
+do not mind taking trouble will always in the end get a pull over
+people who hate all trouble. I think that our present King once
+cried, "Buck up, England!" and his Majesty spoke true; very few
+things can be done in this world without taking a little trouble.
+
+To return, after this long digression, to the portly German
+middle-aged business men who met weekly in Brunswick to improve
+their working knowledge of French and English, I must candidly say
+that I never detected the faintest shadow of animosity to Great
+Britain in them. They were not Prussians--they were Hanoverians
+and Brunswickers. They felt proud, I think, that the throne of
+Britain was then occupied by a branch of their own ancient House
+of Guelph; they remembered the hundred years' connection between
+Britain and Hanover; as business men they acknowledged Britain's
+then unquestioned industrial supremacy, and they recognised that
+men of their class enjoyed in England a position and a power which
+was not accorded to them in Germany. Certainly they never lost an
+opportunity of pointing out that Britain was neither a military
+nor a fighting nation, and would never venture again to conduct a
+campaign on the Continent. Recent events will show how correct
+they were in their forecasts.
+
+I liked the society of these shrewd, practical men, for from being
+so much with the French judges, I had become accustomed to
+associating with men double or treble my own age. There was
+nothing corresponding to the gaiete francaise about them, though
+at times a ponderous playfulness marked their lighter moments, and
+flashes of elephantine jocularity enlivened the proceedings of the
+Club. I picked up some useful items of knowledge from them, for I
+regret to admit that up to that time I had no idea what a bill of
+lading was, or a ship's manifest; after a while, even such cryptic
+expressions, too, as f.o.b. and c.i.f. ceased to have any
+mysteries for me. Let the inexperienced beware of "Swedish Punch,"
+a sickly, highly-scented preparation of arrack. I do not speak
+from personal experience, for I detest the sweet, cloying stuff;
+but it occasionally fell to my lot to guide down-stairs the
+uncertain footsteps of some ventripotent Kommerzien-Rath, or even
+of Mr. Over-Inspector of Railways himself, both temporarily
+incapacitated by injudicious indulgence in Swedish Punch. "So,
+Herr Ober-Inspector, endlich sind wir glucklich herunter gekommen.
+Jetz konnen Sie nach Hause immer aug gleichem Fusse gehen.
+Naturlich! Jedermann weisst wie abscheulich kraftig Schwedischer
+Punsch ist. Die Strasse ist ganz leer. Gluckliche Heimkehr, Herr
+Ober-Inspector!"
+
+It was difficult to attend the Club without becoming a connoisseur
+in various kinds of German beer. Brunswick boasts a special local
+sweet black beer, brewed from malted wheat instead of barley,
+known as "Mumme"--heavy, unpalatable stuff. If any one will take
+the trouble to consult Whitaker's Almanac, and turn to "Customs
+Tariff of the United Kingdom," they will find the very first
+article on the list is "Mum." "Berlin white beer" follows this.
+One of the few occasions when I have ever known Mr. Gladstone
+nonplussed for an answer, was in a debate on the Budget (I think
+in 1886) on a proposed increase of excise duties. Mr. Gladstone
+was asked what "Mum" was, and confessed that he had not the
+smallest idea. The opportunity for instructing the omniscient Mr.
+Gladstone seemed such a unique one, that I nearly jumped up in my
+place to tell him that it was a sweet black beer brewed from
+wheat, and peculiar to Brunswick; but being a very young Member of
+the House then, I refrained, as it looked too much like self-
+advertisement; besides, "Mum" was so obviously the word. "White
+beer" is only made in Berlin; it is not unlike our ginger-beer,
+and is pleasant enough. The orthodox way of ordering it in Berlin
+is to ask the waiter for "eine kuhle Blonde." I do not suppose
+that one drop of either of these beverages has been imported into
+the United Kingdom for a hundred years; equally I imagine that the
+first two Georges loved them as recalling their beloved Hanover,
+and indulged freely in them; whence their place in our Customs
+tariff.
+
+One of the members of the English and French Club was a Mr.
+Vieweg, at that time, I believe, the largest manufacturer of
+sulphate of quinine in Europe. Mr. Vieweg was that rara avis
+amongst middle-class German business-men, a born sportsman. He had
+already made two sporting trips to Central Africa after big game,
+and rented a large shooting estate near Brunswick. In common with
+the other members of the Club, he treated me very kindly and
+hospitably, and I often had quaint repasts at his house, beginning
+with sweet chocolate soup, and continuing with eels stewed in
+beer, carp with horseradish, "sour-goose," and other Teutonic
+delicacies. Mr. Vieweg's son was one of Hentze's pupils, and was
+the thin, silent boy I have already noticed. I remember well how
+young Vieweg introduced himself to me in laboured English, "Are
+you a friend to fishing with the fly?" he asked. "I also fish most
+gladly, and if you wish, we will together to the Harz Mountains
+go, and there many trout catch." As the Harz Mountains are within
+an hour of Brunswick by train, off we went, and young Vieweg was
+certainly a most expert fisherman. My respect for him was
+increased enormously when I found that he did not mind in the
+least how wet he got whilst fishing. Most German boys of his age
+would have thought standing in cold water up to their knees a
+certain forerunner of immediate death.
+
+Vieweg told me, with perfect justice, that he knew every path and
+every track in the Northern Harz, and that he had climbed every
+single hill. He complained that none of his German friends cared
+for climbing or walking, and asked whether I would accompany him
+on one of his expeditions. So a week later we went again to the
+Harz, and Vieweg led me an interminable and very rough walk up-
+hill and down-dale. He afterwards confessed that he was trying to
+tire me out, in which he failed signally, for I have always been,
+and am still, able to walk very long distances without fatigue. He
+had taken four of his fellow-pupils from Hentze's over the same
+road, and they had all collapsed, and had to be driven back to the
+railway in a hay-cart, in the last stages of exhaustion. Finding
+that he could not walk me down, Vieweg developed an odd sort of
+liking for me, just as I had admired him for standing up to his
+knees in very cold water for a couple of hours on end whilst
+fishing. So a queer sort of friendship sprang up between me and
+this taciturn youth. The only subject which moved Vieweg to
+eloquence was quinine, out of which his father had made his
+fortune. I confess that at that time I knew no more about that
+admirable prophylactic than the Queen of Sheba knew about dry-fly
+fishing, and had not the faintest idea of how quinine was made.
+Vieweg, warming to his subject, explained to me that the cinchona
+bark was treated with lime and alcohol, and informed me that his
+father now obtained the bark from Java instead of from South
+America as formerly. He did his utmost to endeavour to kindle a
+little enthusiasm in me on the subject of this valuable febrifuge.
+When not talking of quinine, he kept silence. This singular youth
+was obsessed with a passionate devotion to the lucrative drug.
+
+The Harz Mountains are pretty without being grand. The far-famed
+Brocken is not 4000 ft. high, but rising as these hills do out of
+the dead-flat North German plain, the Harz have been glorified and
+magnified by a people accustomed to monotonous levels, and are the
+setting for innumerable German legends. The Brocken is, of course,
+the traditional scene of the "Witches Sabbath" on Walpurgis-Nacht,
+and many of the rock-strewn valleys seem to have pleasant
+traditions of bloodthirsty ogres and gnomes associated with them.
+There is no real climbing in the Harz, easy tracks lead to all the
+local lions. As is customary in methodical Germany, signposts
+direct the pedestrian to every view and every waterfall, and I
+need hardly add that if one post indicates the Aussichtspunkt, a
+corresponding one will show the way to the restaurant without
+which no view in Germany would be complete. Through rocky defiles
+and pine-woods, over swelling hills and past waterfalls, Vieweg
+and I trudged once a week in sociable silence, broken only by a
+few scraps of information from my companion as to the prospects of
+that year's crop of cinchona bark, and the varying wholesale price
+of that interesting commodity. At times, before a fine view,
+Vieweg would make quite a long speech for him: "Du Fritz! Schon
+was?" using, of course, the German diminutive to my Christian
+name, after which he would gaze on the prospect and relapse into
+silence, and dreamy meditations on sulphate of quinine and its
+possibilities.
+
+I think Vieweg enjoyed these excursions, for on returning to
+Brunswick after about four hours' un-broken silence, he would
+always say on parting, "Du Fritz! War nicht so ubel;" or, "Fritz,
+it wasn't so bad," very high praise from so sparing a talker.
+
+Mr. Vieweg senior invited me to shoot with him on several
+occasions during the winter months. The "Kettle-drive" (Kessel-
+Treib) is the local manner of shooting hares. Guns and beaters
+form themselves into an immense circle, a mile in diameter, over
+the treeless, hedgeless flats, and all advance slowly towards the
+centre of the circle. At first, it is perfectly safe to fire into
+the circle, but as it diminishes in size, a horn is sounded, the
+guns face round, back to back, and as the beaters advance alone,
+hares are only killed as they run out of the ring. Hares are very
+plentiful in North Germany, and "Kettle-drives" usually resulted
+in a bag of from thirty to forty of them. To my surprise, in the
+patches of oak-scrub on the moor-lands, there were usually some
+woodcock, a bird which I had hitherto associated only with
+Ireland. Young Vieweg was an excellent shot; in common with all
+his father's other guests, he was arrayed in high boots, and in
+one of those grey-green suits faced with dark green, dear to the
+heart of the German sportsman. The guns all looked like the chorus
+in the Freischutz, and I expected them to break at any moment into
+the "Huntsmen's Chorus." Young Vieweg was greatly pained at my
+unorthodox costume, for I wore ordinary homespun knickerbockers,
+and sported neither a green Tyrolese hat with a blackcock's tail
+in it, nor high boots; my gun had no green sling attached to it,
+nor did I carry a game-bag covered with green tassels, all of
+which, it appeared, were absolutely essential concomitants to a
+Jagd-Partie.
+
+In these country districts round Brunswick nothing but Low German
+("Platt-Deutsch") was talked. Low German is curiously like English
+at times. The sentence, "the water is deep," is identical in both
+tongues. "Mudder," "brudder," and "sister" have all a familiar
+ring about them, too. The word "watershed," as applied to the
+ridge separating two river systems, had always puzzled me. In High
+German it is "Wasser-scheide," i.e. water-parting; in Low German
+it is "Water-shed," with the same meaning, thus making our own
+term perfectly clear. "Low" German, of course, only means the
+dialect spoken in the low-lying North German plains: "High"
+German, the language spoken in the hilly country south of the Harz
+Mountains. High German only became the literary language of the
+country owing to Luther having deliberately chosen that dialect
+for the translation of the Bible. The Nibelungen-Lied and the
+poems of the twelfth and thirteenth centuries were all in Middle-
+High German (Mittel-Hoch Deutsch).
+
+I remember being told as a boy, when standing on the terrace of
+Windsor Castle, that in a straight line due east of us there was
+no such corresponding an elevation until the Ural Mountains were
+reached, on the boundary between Europe and Asia. This will give
+some idea of the extreme flatness of Northern Europe, for the
+terrace at Windsor can hardly be called a commanding eminence.
+
+I am sorry to say that for over forty years I have quite lost
+sight of Vieweg. My connection with quinine, too, has been usually
+quite involuntary. I have had two very serious bouts of malarial
+fever, one in South America, the other in the West Indies, and on
+both occasions I owed my life to quinine. Whilst taking this
+bitter, if beneficent drug, I sometimes wondered whether it had
+been prepared under the auspices of the friend of my youth. So
+ignorant am I of the quinine world, that I do not know whether the
+firm of Buchler & Vieweg still exists. One thing I do know: Vieweg
+must be now sixty-three years old, should he be still alive, and I
+am convinced that he remains an upright and honourable gentleman.
+I would also venture a surmise that business competitors find it
+very hard to overreach him, and that he has escaped the garrulous
+tendencies of old age.
+
+One of the curses of German towns is the prevalence of malicious
+and venomous gossip. This is almost entirely due to that pestilent
+institution the "Coffee Circle," or Kaffee Klatsch, that standing
+feature of German provincial life. Amongst the bourgeoisie, the
+ladies form associations, and meet once a week in turn at each
+others' houses. They bring their work with them, and sit for two
+hours, eating sweet cakes, drinking coffee, and tearing every
+reputation in the towns to tatters. All males are jealously
+excluded from these gatherings. Mrs. Spiegelberg was a pretty,
+fluffy little English woman, without one ounce of malice in her
+composition. She had lived long enough in Germany, though, to know
+that she would not be welcomed at her "Coffee Circle" unless she
+brought her budget of pungent gossip with her, so she collected it
+in the usual way. The instant the cook returned from market, Mrs.
+Spiegelberg would rush into the kitchen with a breathless, "Na,
+Minna, was gibt's neues?" or "Now, Minna, what is the news?"
+Minna, the cook, knowing what was expected of her, proceeded to
+unfold her items of carefully gathered gossip: Lieutenant von
+Trinksekt had lost three hundred marks at cards, and had been
+unable to pay; it was rumored that Fraulein Unsittlich's six
+weeks' retirement from the world was not due to an attack of
+scarlet fever, as was alleged, but to a more interesting cause,
+and so on, and so on. The same thing was happening,
+simultaneously, in every kitchen in Brunswick, and at the next
+"Coffee Circle" all these rumours would be put into circulation
+and magnified, and the worst possible interpretation would be
+given them. All German women love spying, as is testified by those
+little external mirrors fixed outside almost every German window,
+by which the mistress of the house can herself remain unseen,
+whilst noting every one who passes down the street, or goes into
+the houses on either side. I speak with some bitterness of the
+poisonous tongues of these women, for I cannot forget how a
+harmless episode, when I happened to meet a charming friend of
+mine, and volunteered to carry her parcels home, was distorted and
+perverted.
+
+One of Hentze's pupils, a heavy, bovine youth, invited me to
+Hamburg to his parents' silver wedding festivities. I was anxious
+to see Hamburg, so I accepted. Moser's parents inhabited an
+opulent and unimaginably hideous villa on the outskirts of
+Hamburg. They treated me most hospitably and kindly, but never had
+I pictured such vast eatings and drinkings as took place in their
+house. Moser's other relations were equally hospitable, until I
+became stupid and comatose from excessive nourishment. I could not
+discover the faintest trace of hostility to England amongst these
+wealthy Hamburg merchants. They had nearly all traditional
+business connections with England, and most of them had commenced
+their commercial careers in London. They resented, on the other
+hand, the manner in which they were looked down on by the Prussian
+Junkers, who, on the ground of their having no "von" before their
+names, tried to exclude them from every branch of the public
+service. The whole of Germany had not yet become Prussianised.
+
+These Hamburg men were intensely proud of their city. They
+boasted, and I believe with perfect reason, that the dock and
+harbour facilities of Hamburg far exceeded anything to be found in
+the United Kingdom. I was taken all over the docks, and treated
+indeed with such lavish hospitality that every seam of my garments
+strained under the unwonted pressure of these enormous repasts.
+Hamburg being a Free Port, travellers leaving for any other part
+of Germany had to undergo a regular Customs examination at the
+railway station, as though it were a frontier post. Hamburg
+impressed me as a vastly prosperous, handsome, well-kept town. The
+attractive feature of the place is the "Alster Bassin," the clear,
+fresh-water lake running into the very heart of the town. All the
+best houses and hotels were built on the stone quays of the Alster
+facing the lake. Geneva, Stockholm, and Copenhagen are the only
+other European towns I know of with clear lakes running into the
+middle of the city. The Moser family's silver wedding festivities
+did not err on the side of niggardliness. The guests all assembled
+in full evening dress at three in the afternoon, when there was a
+conjuring and magic-lantern performance for the children. This was
+followed by an excellent concert, which in its turn was succeeded
+by a vast and Gargantuan dinner. Then came an elaborate display of
+fireworks, after which dancing continued till 4 a.m., only
+interrupted by a second colossal meal, thus affording, as young
+Moser proudly pointed out, thirteen hours' uninterrupted
+amusement.
+
+As I felt certain that I should promptly succumb to apoplexy, had
+I to devour any more food, I left next day for Heligoland, then,
+of course, still a British Colony, an island I had always had the
+greatest curiosity to see. A longer stay in Hamburg might have
+broadened my mind, but it would also unquestionably have broadened
+my waist-belt as well.
+
+The steamer accomplished the journey from Hamburg in seven hours,
+the last three over the angry waters of the open North Sea. To my
+surprise the steamer, though island-owned, did not fly the British
+red ensign, but the Heligoland flag of horizontal bars of white,
+green, and red. There is a local quatrain explaining these
+colours, which may be roughly Englished as--
+
+    "White is the strand,
+    But green the land,
+    Red the rocks stand
+    Round Heligoland."
+
+Heligoland is the quaintest little spot imaginable, shaped like an
+isosceles triangle with the apex pointing northwards. The area of
+the whole island is only three-fourths of a square mile; it is
+barely a mile long, and at its widest only 500 yards broad. It is
+divided into Underland and Overland; the former a patch of shore
+on the sheltered side of the island, covered with the neatest
+little toy streets and houses. In its neatness and smallness it is
+rather like a Japanese town, and has its little theatre and its
+little Kurhaus complete. There are actually a few trees in the
+Underland. Above it, the red ramparts of rock rise like a wall to
+the Overland, only to be reached by an endless flight of steps. On
+the green tableland of the Overland, the houses nestle and huddle
+together for shelter on the leeward side of the island, the
+prevailing winds being westerly. The whole population let
+lodgings, simply appointed, but beautifully neat and clean, as one
+would expect amongst a seafaring population. There are a few
+patches of cabbages and potatoes trying to grow in spite of the
+gales, and all the rest is green turf. There is not one tree on
+the wind-swept Overland. I heard nothing but German and Frisian
+talked around me, and the only signs of British occupation were
+the Union Jack flying in front of Government House (surely the
+most modest edifice ever dignified with that title), and a notice-
+board in front of the powder-magazine on the northern point of the
+island. This notice-board was inscribed, "V.R. Trespassers will be
+prosecuted," which at once gave a homelike feeling, and made one
+realise that it was British soil on which one was standing.
+
+The island had only been ceded to us in 1814, and we handed it
+over to Germany in 1890, so our tenure was too brief for us to
+have struck root deeply into the soil. Heligoland was a splendid
+recruiting ground for the Royal Navy, for the islanders were a
+hardy race of seafarers, and made ideal material for bluejackets.
+There was not a horse or cow on the island, ewes supplying all the
+milk. As sheep's milk has an unappetising green tinge about it, it
+took a day or two to get used to this unfamiliar-looking fluid.
+There being no fresh water on Heligoland, the rain water from the
+roofs was all caught and stored in tanks. On that rainswept rock I
+cannot conceive it likely that the water supply would ever fail.
+Some-how the idea was prevalent in England that Heligoland was
+undermined by rabbits. There was not one single rabbit on the
+island, for even rabbits find it hard to burrow into solid rock.
+
+Professor Gatke's books on the migrations of birds are well known.
+Heligoland lies in the track of migrating birds, and Dr. Gatke had
+established himself there for some years to observe them, and
+there was a really wonderful ornithological museum close to the
+lighthouse. The Heligoland lighthouse is a very powerful one, and
+every single one of these stuffed birds had committed suicide
+against the thick glass of the lantern. The lighthouse keepers
+told me that during the migratory periods, they sometimes found as
+many as a hundred dead birds on the external gallery of the light
+in the morning, all of whom had killed themselves against the
+light.
+
+From 1830 to 1871 there were public gaming-tables in Heligoland,
+and the Concessionaire paid such a high price for his permit that
+the colonial finances were in the most flourishing condition. In
+1871, Downing Street stopped this, with disastrous effect on the
+island budget. Fortunately, Germans took to coming over in vast
+numbers for the excellent sea-bathing, and so money began to flow
+in again. The place attracted them with its glorious sea air; it
+had all the advantages of a ship, without the ship's motion.
+
+I paid a second visit to Heligoland three years later, when I was
+Attache at our Berlin Embassy. Sir Fitzhardinge Maxse, the uncle
+of Mr. Leo Maxse of the National Review, was Governor then. Sir
+Fitzhardinge had done his utmost to anglicise the island, and the
+"Konigstrasse" and "Oststrasse" had now become "King Street" and
+"East Street." He had induced, too, some of the shop-keepers to
+write the signs over their shops in English, at times with
+somewhat eccentric spelling; for one individual proclaimed himself
+a "Familie Grozer." How astonished the Governor and I would have
+been to know that in twenty years' time his much-loved island
+would be transformed into one solid concreted German fortress! Sir
+Fitzhardinge had a great love for the theatre. He was, I believe,
+the only person who had ever tried to write plays in two
+languages. His German plays had been very successful, and two one-
+act plays he wrote in English had been produced on the London
+stage. He always managed to engage a good German company to play
+in the little Heligoland theatre during the summer months, and
+having married the leading tragic actress of the Austrian stage,
+both he and Lady Maxse occasionally appeared on the boards
+themselves, playing, of course, in German. It looked curious
+seeing a bill of the "Theatre Royal on Heligoland," announcing
+Shakespeare's tragedy of Macbeth, with "His Excellency the
+Governor as Macbeth, and Lady Maxse as Lady Macbeth."
+
+There is a fine old Lutheran Church on Heligoland. It is the only
+Protestant church in which I have ever seen ex votos. When the
+island fishermen had weathered an unusually severe gale, it was
+their custom to make a model of their craft, and to present it as
+a thank-offering to the church. There were dozens of these models,
+all beautifully finished, suspended from the roof of the church by
+wires, and the fronts of the galleries were all hung with fishing
+nets. The singing in that church was remarkably good.
+
+It was a pleasant, unsophisticated little island; a place of fresh
+breezes, and red cliffs with great sweeping surges breaking
+against them; a place of sunshine, and huge expanses of pale
+dappled sky.
+
+Lady Maxse told me that it was impossible for any one to picture
+the unutterable dreariness of Heligoland in winter; when little
+Government House rocked ceaselessly under the fierce gales, and
+the whole island was drenched in clouds of spindrift; the rain
+pounding on the window-panes like small-shot, and the howling of
+the wind drowning all other sounds. She said that they were
+frequently cut off from the mainland for three weeks on end,
+without either letters, newspapers, or fresh meat, as the steamers
+were unable to make the passage. There was nothing to do, nowhere
+to go, and no one to speak to. It must have been a considerable
+change for any one accustomed to the life of careless, easy-going,
+glittering Vienna in the old days. Even Sir Fitzhardinge confessed
+that during the winter gales he had frequently to make his way on
+all fours from the stairs from the Underland to Government House,
+to avoid being blown over the cliffs. Lady Maxse hung an extra
+pair of pink muslin curtains over every window in Government
+House, to shut out the sight of the wintry sea, but the angry,
+grey and white rollers of the restless North Sea asserted
+themselves even through the pink muslin.
+
+I am glad that I saw this wind-swept little rock whilst it was
+still a scrap of British territory. When my time came for leaving
+Brunswick, I was genuinely sorry to go. I confess that I liked
+Germany and the Germans; I had been extremely well treated, and
+had got used to German ways.
+
+The teaching profession were only then sowing broadcast the seed
+which was to come to maturity thirty years later. They were
+moulding the minds of the rising generation to the ideals which
+find their most candid exponent in Nietzsche. The seed was sown,
+but had not yet germinated; the greater portion of Germany in 1875
+was still un-Prussianised, but effect followed cause, and we all
+know the rest.
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+
+Some London beauties of the "seventies"--Great ladies--The
+Victorian girl--Votaries of the Gaiety Theatre--Two witty ladies--
+Two clever girls and mock-Shakespeare--The family who talked
+Johnsonian English--Old-fashioned tricks of pronunciation--
+Practical jokes--Lord Charles Beresford and the old Club-member--
+The shoe-less legislator--Travellers' palms--The tree that spouted
+wine--Celyon's spicy breezes--Some reflections--Decline of public
+interest in Parliament--Parliamentary giants--Gladstone, John
+Bright, and Chamberlain--Gladstone's last speech--His resignation
+--W.H. Smith--The Assistant Whips--Sir William Hart-Dyke--Weary
+hours at Westminster--A Pseudo-Ingoldsbean Lay.
+
+ The London of 1876 boasted an extraordinary constellation of
+lovely women. First and foremost came the two peerless Moncreiffe
+sisters, Georgiana Lady Dudley, and Helen Lady Forbes. Lady Dudley
+was then a radiant apparition, and her sister, the most perfect
+example of classical beauty I have ever seen, had features as
+clean-cut as those of a cameo. Lady Forbes always wore her hair
+simply parted in the middle, a thing that not one woman in a
+thousand can afford to do, and glorious auburn hair it was, with a
+natural ripple in it. I have seldom seen a head so perfectly
+placed on the shoulders as that of Lady Forbes. The Dowager Lady
+Ormonde and the late Lady Ripon were then still unmarried; the
+first, Lady Leila Grosvenor, with the face of a Raphael Madonna,
+the other, Lady Gladys Herbert, a splendid, slender, Juno-like
+young goddess. The rather cruelly named "professional beauties"
+had just come into prominence, the three great rivals being Mrs.
+Langtry, then fresh from Jersey, Mrs. Cornwallis West, and Mrs.
+Wheeler. Unlike most people, I should myself have given the prize
+to the second of these ladies. I do not think that any one now
+could occupy the commanding position in London which Constance
+Duchess of Westminster and the Duchess of Manchester (afterwards
+Duchess of Devonshire) then held. In fact, with skirts to the
+knee, and an unending expanse of stocking below them, it would be
+difficult to assume the dignity with which these great ladies, in
+their flowing Victorian draperies, swept into a room. The stately
+Dutchess of Westminster, in spite of her massive outline, had
+still a fine classical head, and the Duchess of Manchester was one
+of the handsomest women in Europe. London society was so much
+smaller then, that it was a sort of enlarged family party, and I,
+having six married sisters, found myself with unnumbered hosts of
+relations and connections. I retain delightful recollections of
+the mid-Victorian girl. These maidens, in their airy clouds of
+white, pink, or green tulle, and their untouched faces, had a
+deliciously fresh, flower-like look which is wholly lacking in
+their sisters of to-day. A young girl's charm is her freshness,
+and if she persists in coating her face with powder and rouge that
+freshness vanishes, and one sees merely rows of vapid little doll-
+like faces, all absolutely alike, and all equally artificial and
+devoid of expression. These present skimpy draperies cause one to
+reflect that Nature has not lavished broadcast the gift of good
+feet and neat ankles; possibly some girls might lengthen their
+skirts if they realised this truth.
+
+In the "seventies" there was a wonderful galaxy of talent at the
+old Gaiety Theatre, Nellie Farren, Kate Vaughan, Edward Terry, and
+Royce forming a matchless quartette. Young men, of course, will
+always be foolish, up to the end of time. Nellie Farren, Kate
+Vaughan and Emily Duncan all had their "colours." Nellie Farren's
+were dark blue, light blue, and white; Kate Vaughan's were pink
+and grey; Emily Duncan's black and white; the leading hosiers
+"stocked" silk scarves of these colours, and we foolish young men
+bought the colours of the lady we especially admired, and sat in
+the stalls of the Gaiety flaunting the scarves of our favourite
+round our necks. As I then thought, and still think, that Nellie
+Farren was one of the daintiest and most graceful little creatures
+ever seen on the stage, with a gaminerie all her own, I, in common
+with many other youths, sat in the stalls of the Gaiety wrapped in
+a blue-and-white scarf. Each lady showered smiles over the
+footlights at her avowed admirers, whilst contemptuously ignoring
+those who sported her rival's colours. One silly youth, to testify
+to his admiration for Emily Duncan, actually had white kid gloves
+with black fingers, specially manufactured for him. He was, we
+hope, repaid for his outlay by extra smiles from his enchantress.
+
+Traces of the witty early nineteenth century still lingered into
+the "seventies," "eighties," and "nineties." Lady Constance
+Leslie, who is still living, and the late Lady Cork were almost
+the last descendants of the brilliant wits of Sydney Smith and
+Theodore Hook's days. The hurry of modern life, and the tendency
+of the age to scratch the surface of things only, are not
+favourable to the development of this type of keen intellect,
+which was based on a thorough knowledge of the English classics,
+and on such a high level of culture as modern trouble-hating women
+could but seldom hope to attain. Time and time again I have asked
+Lady Cork for the origin of some quotation. She invariably gave it
+me at once, usually quoting some lines of the context at the same
+time. When I complimented her on her wonderful knowledge of
+English literature of the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries,
+she answered, "In my young days we studied the 'Belles Lettres';
+modern women only study 'Belle's Letters,'" an allusion to a
+weekly summary of social events then appearing in the World under
+that title, a chronicle voraciously devoured by thousands of
+women. When the early prejudice against railways was alluded to by
+some one who recalled the storms of protest that the conveyance of
+the Duke of Sussex's body by train to Windsor for burial provoked,
+as being derogatory to the dignity of a Royal Duke, it was Lady
+Cork who rapped out, "I presume in those days, a novel apposition
+of the quick and the dead." A certain peer was remarkable alike
+for his extreme parsimony and his unusual plainness of face. His
+wife shared these characteristics, both facial and temperamental,
+to the full, and yet this childless, unprepossessing and eminently
+economical couple were absolutely wrapped up in one another; after
+his death she only lingered on for three months. Some one
+commenting on this, said, "They were certainly the stingiest and
+probably the ugliest couple in England, yet their devotion to each
+other was very beautiful. They could neither of them bear to part
+with anything, not even with each other. After his death she was
+like a watch that had lost its mainspring." "Surely," flashed Lady
+Constance Leslie, "more like a vessel which had lost her auxiliary
+screw." The main characteristic of both Lady Cork and Lady
+Constance Leslie's humour was its lightning speed. It is
+superfluous to add, with these quick-witted ladies it was never
+necessary to EXPLAIN anything, as it is to the majority of English
+people; they understood before you had finished saying it.
+
+Many years after, in the late "eighties," Lady Constance Leslie's
+two elder daughters, now Mrs. Crawshay and Lady Hope, developed a
+singular gift. They could improvise blank verse indefinitely, and
+with their father, Sir John Leslie, they acted little mock
+Shakespearean dramas in their ordinary clothes, and without any
+scenery or accessories. Every word was impromptu, and yet the even
+flow of blank verse never ceased. I always thought it a singularly
+clever performance, for Mrs. Crawshay can only have been nineteen
+then, and her sister eighteen. Mrs. Crawshay invariably played the
+heroine, Lady Hope the confidante, and Sir John Leslie any male
+part requisite. No matter what the subject given them might be,
+they would start in blank verse at once. Let us suppose so
+unpromising a subject as the collection of railway tickets outside
+a London terminus had been selected. Lady Hope, with pleading
+eyes, and all the conventional gestures of sympathy of a stage
+confidante, would at once start apostrophising her sister in some
+such fashion as this:--
+
+"Fair Semolina, dry those radiant orbs; Thy swain doth beg thee
+but a token small Of that great love which thou dost bear to him.
+Prithee, sweet mistress, take now heart of grace, At times we all
+credentials have to show, Eftsoons at Willesden halts the panting
+train, Each traveller knows inexorable fate Hath trapped him in
+her toils; loud rings the tread Of brass-bound despot as he wends
+his way From door to door, claiming with gesture rude His pound of
+flesh, or eke the pasteboard slip, Punched with much care, all
+travel-worn and stained, For which perchance ten ducats have been
+paid, Granting full access from some distant spot. Then trembles
+he, who reckless loves to sip The joys of travel free of all
+expense; Knowing the fate that will pursue him, when To stern
+collector he hath naught to show."
+
+To which her sister, Mrs. Crawshay, would reply, without one
+instant's hesitation, somewhat after this style:--
+
+    "Sweet Tapioca, firm and faithful friend,
+    Thy words have kindled in my guilty breast
+    Pangs of remorse; to thee I will confess.
+    Craving a journey to the salt sea waves
+    Before this moon had waxed her full, I stood
+    Crouching, and feigning infant's stature small
+    Before the wicket, whence the precious slips
+    Are issued, and declared my years but ten.
+    Thus did I falsely pretext tender age,
+    And claimed but half the wonted price, and now
+    Bitter remorse my stricken conscience sears,
+    And hot tears flow at my duplicity."
+
+The lines would probably have been more neatly worded than this,
+but the flow of improvised blank verse from both sisters was
+inexhaustible. The somewhat unusual names of Semolina and Tapioca
+had been adopted for the heroine and confidante on account of
+their rhythmical advantages, and a certain pleasant Shakespearean
+ring about them.
+
+I know another family who from long practice have acquired the
+habit of addressing each other in flowing periods of Johnsonian
+English. They never hesitate for an epithet, and manage to round
+off all their sentences in Dr. Johnson's best manner. I was
+following the hounds on foot one day, with the eldest daughter of
+this family, when, as we struggled through a particularly sticky
+and heavy ploughed field, she panted out, "Pray let us hasten to
+the summit of yonder commanding eminence, whence we can with
+greater comfort to ourselves witness the further progress of the
+chase," and all this without the tiniest hesitation; a most
+enviable gift! A son of this family was once riding in the same
+steeplechase as a nephew of mine. The youth had lost his cap, and
+turning round in his saddle, he shouted to my nephew in the middle
+of the race, between two fences, "You will perceive that I have
+already sacrificed my cap, and laid it as a votive offering on the
+altar of Diana." One would hardly have anticipated that a youthful
+cavalry subaltern, in the middle of a steeplechase, would have
+been able to lay his hands on such choice flowers of speech.
+Unfortunately, owing to the time lost by these well-turned
+periods, both the speaker and my nephew merely figured as "also
+ran."
+
+In the "seventies" some of the curious tricks of pronunciation of
+the eighteenth century still survived. My aunts, who had been born
+with, or before the nineteenth century, invariably pronounced
+"yellow" as "yaller." "Lilac" and "cucumber" became "laylock" and
+"cowcumber," and a gold bracelet was referred to as a "goold
+brasslet." They always spoke of "Proosia" and "Roosia," drank tea
+out of a "chaney" cup, and the eldest of them was still "much
+obleeged" for any little service rendered to her, played at
+"cyards," and took a stroll in the "gyarden." My grandfather, who
+was born in 1766, insisted to the end of his life on terming the
+capital of these islands "Lunnon," in eighteenth-century fashion.
+
+Possibly people were more cultured in those days, or, at all
+events, more in the habit of using their brains. Imbecility,
+whether real or simulated, had not come into fashion. My mother
+told me that in her young days a very favourite amusement in
+country houses was to write imitations or parodies of some well-
+known poet, and every one took part in this. Nowadays no one would
+have read the originals, much less be able to imitate them. My
+mother had a commonplace book into which she had copied the
+cleverest of these skits, and Landseer illustrated it charmingly
+in pen-and-ink for her.
+
+Any one reading the novels of the commencement of the nineteenth
+century must have noticed how wonderfully popular practical jokes,
+often of the crudest nature, then were. A brutal practical joke
+always seems to me to indicate a very rudimentary and undeveloped
+sense of humour in its perpetrator. Some people with paleolithic
+intellects seem to think it exquisitely humorous to see a man fall
+down and hurt himself. A practical joke which hurts no one is
+another matter. All those privileged to enjoy the friendship of
+the late Admiral Lord Charles Beresford will always treasure the
+memory of that genial and delightful personality. About thirty
+years ago an elderly gentleman named Bankes-Stanhope seemed to
+imagine that he had some proprietary rights in the Carlton Club.
+Mr. Bankes-Stanhope had his own chair, lamp, and table there, and
+was exceedingly zealous in reminding members of the various rules
+of the club. Smoking was strictly forbidden in the hall of the
+Carlton at that time. I was standing in the hall one night when
+Lord Charles came out of the writing-room, a big bundle of newly
+written letters in his hand, and a large cigar in his mouth. He
+had just received a shilling's-worth of stamps from the waiter,
+when old Mr. Bankes-Stanhope, who habitually puffed and blew like
+Mr. Jogglebury-Crowdey of "Sponge's Sporting Tour," noticed the
+forbidden cigar through a glass door, and came puffing and blowing
+into the hall in hot indignation. He reproved Lord Charles
+Beresford for his breach of the club rules in, as I thought, quite
+unnecessarily severe tones. The genial Admiral kept his temper,
+but detached one penny stamp from his roll, licked it, and placed
+it on his forefinger. "My dear Mr. Stanhope," he began, "it was a
+little oversight of mine. I was writing in there, do you see?" (a
+friendly little tap on Mr. Bankes-Stanhope's shirt-front, and on
+went a penny stamp), "and I moved in here, you see" (another
+friendly tap, and on went a second stamp), "and forgot about my
+cigar, you see" (a third tap, and a third stamp left adhering).
+The breezy Admiral kept up this conversation, punctuated with
+little taps, each one of which left its crimson trace on the old
+gentleman's white shirt-front, until the whole shilling's-worth
+was placed in position. Mr. Bankes-Stanhope was too irate to
+notice these little manoeuvres; he maintained his hectoring tone,
+and never glanced down at his shirt-front. Finally Lord Charles
+left, and the old gentleman, still puffing and blowing with wrath,
+struggled into his overcoat, and went off to an official party at
+Sir Michael Hicks-Beach's, where his appearance with twelve red
+penny stamps adhering to his shirt-front must have created some
+little astonishment.
+
+In the '86 Parliament there was a certain Member, sitting on the
+Conservative side, who had the objectionable habit of removing his
+boots (spring-sided ones, too!) in the House, and of sitting in a
+pair of very dubious-coloured grey woollen socks, apparently much
+in want of the laundress's attentions. Many Members strongly
+objected to this practice, but the delinquent persisted in it, in
+spite of protests. One night a brother of mine, knowing that there
+would shortly be a Division, succeeded in purloining the offending
+boots by covering them with his "Order paper," and got them safely
+out of the House. He hid them behind some books in the Division
+Lobby, and soon after the Division was called. The House emptied,
+but the discalced legislator retained his seat. "A Division having
+been called, the honourable Member will now withdraw," ordered Mr.
+Speaker Peel, most awe-inspiring of men. "Mr. Speaker, I have lost
+my boots," protested the shoeless one. "The honourable Member will
+at once withdraw," ordered the Speaker for the second time, in his
+sternest tones; so down the floor of the House came the
+unfortunate man--hop, hop, hop, like the "little hare" in Shock-
+headed Peter. The iron ventilating gratings were apparently
+uncomfortable to shoeless feet, so he went hopping and limping
+through the Division Lobby, affording ample glimpses of his
+deplorably discoloured woollen footwear. Later in the evening an
+attendant handed him a paper parcel containing his boots, the
+attendant having, of course, no idea where the parcel had come
+from. This incident effectually cured the offender of his
+unpleasant habit. The accusation of neglecting his laundress may
+have been an unfounded one. In my early youth I was given a book
+to read about a tiresome little girl named Ellen Montgomery, who
+apparently divided her time between reading her pocket-Bible and
+indulging in paroxysms of tears. The only incident in the book I
+remember is that this lachrymose child had an aunt, a Miss
+Fortune, who objected on principle to clean stockings. She
+accordingly dyed all Ellen's stockings dirt-colour, to save the
+washing. It would be charitable to assume that this particular
+Member of Parliament had an aunt with the same economical
+instincts.
+
+I must plead guilty to two episodes where my sole desire was to
+avoid disappointment to others, and to prevent the reality falling
+short of the expectation. One was in India. Barrackpore, the
+Viceroy of India's official country house, is justly celebrated
+for its beautiful gardens. In these gardens every description of
+tropical tree, shrub and flower grows luxuriantly. In a far-off
+corner there is a splendid group of fan-bananas, otherwise known.
+as the "Traveller's Palm." Owing to the habit of growth of this
+tree, every drop of rain or dew that falls on its broad, fan-
+shaped crown of leaves is caught, and runs down the grooved stalks
+of the plant into receptacles that cunning Nature has fashioned
+just where the stalk meets the trunk. Even in the driest weather,
+these little natural tanks will, if gashed with a knife, yield
+nearly a tumblerful of pure sweet water, whence the popular name
+for the tree. A certain dull M.P., on his travels, had come down
+to Barrackpore for Sunday, and inquired eagerly whether there were
+any Travellers' Trees either in the park or the gardens there, as
+he had heard of them, but had never yet seen one. We assured him
+that in the cool of the evening we would show him quite a thicket
+of Travellers' Trees. It occurred to the Viceroy's son and myself
+that it would be a pity should the globe-trotting M.P.'s
+expectations not be realised, after the long spell of drought we
+had had. So the two of us went off and carefully filled up the
+natural reservoirs of some six fan-bananas with fresh spring-water
+till they were brimful. Suddenly we had a simultaneous
+inspiration, and returning to the house we fetched two bottles of
+light claret, which we poured carefully into the natural cisterns
+of two more trees, which we marked. Late in the afternoon we
+conducted the M.P. to the grove of Travellers' Trees, handed him a
+glass, and made him gash the stem of one of them with his pen
+knife. Thanks to our preparation, it gushed water like one of the
+Trafalgar Square fountains, and the touring legislator was able to
+satisfy himself that it was good drinking-water. He had previously
+been making some inquiries about so-called "Palm-wine," which is
+merely the fermented juice of the toddy-palm. We told him that
+some Travellers' Palms produced this wine, and with a slight
+exercise of ingenuity we induced him to tap one of the trees we
+had doctored with claret. Naturally, a crimson liquid spouted into
+his glass in response to the thrust of his pen-knife, and after
+tasting it two or three times, he reluctantly admitted that its
+flavour was not unlike that of red wine. It ought to have been,
+considering that we had poured an entire bottle of good sound
+claret into that tree. The ex-M.P. possibly reflects now on the
+difficulties with which any attempts to introduce "Pussyfoot"
+legislation into India would be confronted in a land where some
+trees produce red wine spontaneously.
+
+On another occasion I was going by sea from Calcutta to Ceylon. On
+board the steamer there were a number of Americans, principally
+ladies, connected, I think, with some missionary undertaking. When
+we got within about a hundred miles of Ceylon, these American
+ladies all began repeating to each other the verse of the well-
+known hymn:
+
+    "What though the spicy breezes
+    Blow soft o'er Ceylon's isle,"
+
+over and over again, until I loathed Bishop Heber for having
+written the lines. They even asked the captain how far out to sea
+the spicy breezes would be perceptible. I suddenly got an idea,
+and, going below, I obtained from the steward half a dozen nutmegs
+and a handful of cinnamon. I grated the nutmegs and pounded the
+cinnamon up, and then, with one hand full of each, I went on deck,
+and walked slowly up and down in front of the American tourists.
+Soon I heard an ecstatic cry, "My dear, I distinctly smelt spice
+then!" Another turn, and another jubilant exclamation: "It's quite
+true about the spicy breezes. I got a delicious whiff just then.
+Who would have thought that they would have carried so far out to
+sea?" A sceptical elderly gentleman was summoned from below, and
+he, after a while, was reluctantly forced to avow that he, too,
+had noticed the spicy fragrance. No wonder! when I had about a
+quarter of a pound of grated nutmeg in one hand, and as much
+pounded cinnamon in the other. Now these people will go on
+declaring to the end of their lives that they smelt the spicy
+odours of Ceylon a full hundred miles out at sea, just as the
+travelling M.P. will assert that a tree in India produces a very
+good imitation of red wine. It is a nice point determining how far
+one is morally responsible oneself for the unconscious falsehoods
+into which these people have been betrayed. I should like to have
+had the advice of Mrs. Fairchild, of the Fairchild Family upon
+this delicate question. I feel convinced that that estimable lady,
+with her inexhaustible repertory of supplications, would instantly
+have recited by heart "a prayer against the temptation to lead
+others into uttering untruths unconsciously," which would have met
+the situation adequately, for not once in the book, when appealed
+to, did she fail to produce a lengthy and elaborately worded
+petition, adapted to the most unexpected emergencies, and I feel
+confident that her moral armoury would have included a prayer
+against tendencies to "leg-pulling."
+
+To return to the London of the "seventies" and "eighties" after
+this brief journey to the East, nothing is more noticeable than
+the way public interest in Parliamentary proceedings has vanished.
+When I was a boy, all five of the great London dailies, The Times,
+Morning Post, Standard, Daily Telegraph, and Daily News, published
+the fullest reports of Parliamentary news, and the big provincial
+dailies followed their example. Every one then seemed to follow
+the proceedings of Parliament with the utmost interest; even at
+Harrow the elder boys read the Parliamentary news and discussed
+it, and I have heard keen-witted Lancashire artisans eagerly
+debating the previous night's Parliamentary encounters. Now the
+most popular newspapers give the scantiest and baldest summaries
+of proceedings in the House of Commons. It is an editor's business
+to know the tastes of his readers; if Parliamentary reports are
+reduced to a minimum, it must be because they no longer interest
+the public. This, again, is quite intelligible. When I first
+entered Parliament in 1885 (to which Parliament, by the way, all
+four Hamilton brothers had been elected), there were commanding
+personalities and great orators in the House: Mr. Gladstone, John
+Bright, Joseph Chamberlain, Lord Hartington, Henry James and
+Randolph Churchill. When any of these rose to speak, the House
+filled at once, they were listened to with eager attention, and
+every word they uttered would be read by hundreds of thousands of
+people next day. Nowadays proceedings in Parliament seem to be
+limited to a very occasional solo from the one star-performer, the
+rest of the time being occupied by uninteresting interludes by his
+understudies, all of which may serve to explain the decline in
+public interest. At the time of the Peace of Paris in 1856, on the
+termination of the Crimean War, there were in the House of Commons
+such outstanding figures as Gladstone, Disraeli, Lord John
+Russell, John Bright, and Palmerston; the statesman had not yet
+dwindled into the lawyer-politician.
+
+I only heard Mr. Gladstone speak in his old age, when his voice
+had acquired a slight roughness which detracted, I thought, from
+his wonderful gift of oratory. Mr. Gladstone, too, had certain
+peculiarities of pronunciation; he always spoke of
+"constitootional" and of "noos." John Bright was a most impressive
+speaker; he obtained his effects by the simplest means, for he
+seldom used long words; indeed he was supposed to limit himself to
+words of Saxon origin, with all their condensed vigour. Is not
+Newman's hymn, "Lead, Kindly Light," considered to be a model of
+English, as it is composed almost entirely of monosyllables, and,
+with six exceptions, of words of Saxon origin? John Bright's
+speaking had the same quality as Cardinal Newman's hymn. In spite
+of his eloquence, John Bright's prophecies were invariably
+falsified by subsequent events. I have never heard any one speak
+with such facility as Joseph Chamberlain. His utterance was so
+singularly clear that, though he habitually spoke in a very low
+voice, every syllable penetrated to all parts of the House. When
+Chamberlain was really in a dangerous mood, his voice became
+ominously bland, and his manner quieter than ever. Then was the
+time for his enemies to tremble. I heard him once roll out and
+demolish a poor facile-tongued professional spouter so completely
+and remorsely that the unfortunate man never dared to open his
+mouth in the House of Commons again. I think that any old Member
+of Parliament will agree with me when I place David Plunkett,
+afterwards Lorth Rathmore, who represented for many years Trinity
+College, Dublin, in the very front rank as an orator. Plunkett was
+an indolent man, and spoke very rarely indeed. When really roused,
+and on a subject which he had genuinely at heart, he could rise to
+heights of splendid eloquence. Plunkett had a slight impediment in
+his speech; when wound up, this impediment, so far from detracting
+from, added to the effect he produced. I heard Mr. Gladstone's
+last speech in Parliament, on March 1, 1894. It was frankly a
+great disappointment. I sat then on the Opposition side, but we
+Unionists had all assembled to cheer the old man who was to make
+his farewell speech to the Assembly in which he had sat for sixty
+years, and of which he had been so dominating and so unique a
+personality, although we were bitterly opposed to him politically.
+The tone of his speech made this difficult for us. Instead of
+being a dignified farewell to the House, as we had anticipated, it
+was querulous and personal, with a peevish and minatory note in it
+that made anything but perfunctory applause from the Opposition
+side very hard to produce. Two days afterwards, on March 3, 1894,
+Mr. Gladstone resigned. In the light of recent revelations, we
+know now that his failing eyesight was but a pretext. Lord
+Spencer, then First Lord of the Admiralty, had framed his Naval
+Estimates, and declared that the shipbuilding programme outlined
+in those Estimates was absolutely necessary for the national
+safety. Mr. Gladstone, supported by some of his colleagues,
+refused to sanction these Estimates. Some long-headed Members of
+the Cabinet saw clearly that if Lord Spencer insisted on his
+Estimates, in the then temper of the country, the Liberal party
+would go to certain defeat. Accordingly, Mr. Gladstone was induced
+to resign, as the easiest way out of the difficulty. I do not
+gather, though, that those of his colleagues who, with him,
+disapproved of the Naval Estimates, thought it their duty to
+follow their chief into retirement.
+
+I am amused on seeing on contents bills of news-papers, as a rare
+item of news, "All-night sitting of Commons."
+
+In the 1886 Parliament practically every night was an all-night
+sitting. Under the old rules of Procedure, as the Session
+advanced, we were kept up night after night till 5 a.m. Some
+Members, notably the late Henry Labouchere, took a sort of impish
+delight in keeping the House sitting late. Many Front-Bench men
+had their lives shortened by the strain these late hours imposed
+on them, notably Edward Stanhope and Mr. W. H. Smith. Mr. W. H.
+Smith occupied a very extraordinary position. This plain-faced
+man, who could hardly string two words together, was regarded by
+all his friends with deep respect, almost with affection. My
+brother George has told me that, were there any disputes in the
+Cabinet of which he was a member, the invariable advice of the
+older men was to "go and take Smith's advice about it." Men
+carried their private, domestic, and even financial troubles to
+this wise counsellor, confident that the advice given would be
+sound. Mr. Smith had none of the more ornamental qualities, but
+his fund of common sense was inexhaustible, he never spared
+himself in his friends' service, and his high sense of honour and
+strength of character earned him the genuine regard of all those
+who really knew him. He was a very fine specimen of the
+unassuming, honourable, high-minded English gentleman.
+
+In the 1886 Parliament, Mr. Akers-Douglas, now Lord Chilston, was
+Chief Conservative Whip and he was singularly fortunate in his
+Assistant Whips. Sir William Walrond, now Lord Waleran, Sir
+Herbert Maxwell, and the late Sidney Herbert, afterwards
+fourteenth Earl of Pembroke, formed a wonderful trio, for Nature
+had bestowed on each of them a singularly engaging personality. The
+strain put on Members of the Opposition was very severe; our
+constant attendance was demanded, and we spent practically our
+whole lives in the precincts of the House. However much we longed
+for a little relaxation and a little change, it was really
+impossible to resist the blandishments of the Assistant Whips.
+They made it a sort of personal appeal, and a test of personal
+friendship to themselves, so grudgingly the contemplated visit to
+the theatre was abandoned, and we resigned ourselves to six more
+hours inside the over-familiar building.
+
+Sir William Hart-Dyke had been Chief Conservative Whip in the
+1868-1873 Parliament. He married in May 1870, in the middle of the
+session at a very critical political period. He most unselfishly
+consented to forego his honeymoon, or to postpone it, and there
+were rumours that on the very evening of his wedding-day, his
+sense of duty had been so strong that he had appeared in the House
+of Commons to "tell" in an important Division. When Disraeli was
+asked if this were true, he shook his head, and said, "I hardly
+think so. Hart-Dyke was married that day. Hart-Dyke is a
+gentleman; he would never kiss AND 'tell.'" As a pendant to this,
+there was another Sir William, a baronet whose name I will
+suppress. With execrable taste, he was fond of boasting by name of
+his amatory successes. He was always known as "William Tell."
+
+In 1886 the long hours in the House of Commons hung very heavily
+on our hands, once the always voluminous daily correspondence of
+an M.P. had been disposed of. My youngest brother and I, both then
+well under thirty, used to hire tricycles from the dining-room
+attendants, and have races up and down the long river terrace,
+much to the interest of passers-by on Westminster Bridge. We
+projected, to pass the time, a "Soulful Song-Cycle," which was
+frankly to be an attempt at pulling the public's leg. Our Song-
+Cycle never matured, though I did write the first one of the
+series, an imaginative effort entitled "In Listless Frenzy." It
+was, and was intended to be, utter nonsense, devoid alike of
+grammar and meaning. I quoted my "Listless Frenzy" one night to an
+"intense" and gushing lady, as an example of the pitiable rubbish
+decadent minor poets were then turning out. It began--
+
+    "Crimson wreaths of passionless flowers
+    Down in the golden glen;
+    Silvery sheen of autumnal showers;
+    When, my beloved one, when?"
+
+She assured me that the fault lay in myself, not in the lines;
+that I was of too material a temperament to appreciate the subtle
+beauty of so-and-so's work. I forget to whom I had attributed the
+verses, but I felt quite depressed at reflecting that I was too
+material to understand the lines I had myself written.
+
+My brother was a great admirer of the Ingoldsby Legends, and could
+himself handle Richard Barham's fascinating metre very
+effectively. He was meditating "A Pseudo-Ingoldsbean Lay," dealing
+with leading personalities in the then House of Commons. The idea
+came to nothing, as an "Ingoldsby Legend" must, from its very
+essence, be cast in a narrative form, and the subject did not lend
+itself to narrative. Although it has nothing to do with the
+subject in hand, I must quote some lines from "The Raid of
+Carlisle," another "Pseudo-Ingoldsbean Lay" of my brother's, to
+show how easily he could use Barham's metre, with its ear-tickling
+double rhyme, and how thoroughly he had assimilated the spirit of
+the Ingoldsby Legends. The extracts are from an account of an
+incident which occurred in 1596 when Lord Scroop was Warden of the
+Western or English Marches on behalf of Elizabeth, while
+Buccleuch, on the Scottish side, was Warden of the Middle Marches
+on behalf of James VI.
+
+    "Now, I'd better explain, while I'm still in the vein,
+    That towards the close of Elizabeth's reign,
+    Though the 'thistle and rose' were no longer at blows,
+    They'd a way of disturbing each other's repose.
+    A mode of proceeding most clearly exceeding
+    The rules of decorum, and palpably needing
+    Some clear understanding between the two nations,
+    By which to adjust their unhappy relations.
+    With this object in view, it occurred to Buccleuch
+    That a great deal of mutual good would accrue
+    If they settled that he and Lord Scroop's nominee
+    Should meet once a year, and between them agree
+    To arbitrate all controversial cases
+    And grant an award on an equable basis.
+    A brilliant idea that promised to be a
+    Corrective, if not a complete panacea--
+    For it really appears that for several years,
+    These fines of 'poll'd Angus' and Galloway steers
+    Did greatly conduce, during seasons of truce,
+    To abating traditional forms of abuse,
+    And to giving the roues of Border society
+    Some little sense of domestic propriety.
+
+    So finding himself, so to speak, up a tree,
+    And unable to think of a neat repartee,
+    He wisely concluded (as Brian Boru did,
+    On seeing his 'illigant counthry' denuded
+    Of cattle and grain that were swept from the plain
+    By the barbarous hand of the pillaging Dane)
+    To bandy no words with a dominant foe,
+    But to wait for a chance of returning the blow,
+    And then let him have it in more suo."
+
+These extracts make me regret that the leading personalities in
+the Parliament of 1886 were not commemorated in the same pleasant,
+jingling metre.
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+
+The Foreign Office--The new Private Secretary--A Cabinet key--
+Concerning theatricals--Some surnames which have passed into
+everyday use--Theatricals at Petrograd--A mock-opera--The family
+from Runcorn--An embarrassing predicament--Administering the oath--
+Secret Service--Popular errors--Legitimate employment of
+information--The Phoenix Park murders--I sanction an arrest--The
+innocent victim--The execution of the murderers of Alexander II.--
+The jarring military band--Black Magic--Sir Charles Wyke--Some of
+his experiences--The seance at the Pantheon--Sir Charles'
+experiment on myself--The Alchemists--The Elixir of Life, and the
+Philosopher's Stone--Lucid directions for their manufacture--
+Glamis Castle and its inhabitants--The tuneful Lyon family--Mr.
+Gladstone at Glamis--He sings in the glees--The castle and its
+treasures--Recollections of Glamis.
+
+Having successfully defeated the Civil Service Examiners, I
+entered the Foreign Office in 1876, for the six or eight months'
+training which all Attaches had to undergo before being sent
+abroad. The typewriter had not then been invented, so everything
+was copied by hand--a wearisome and deadening occupation where
+very lengthy documents were concerned.
+
+The older men in the Foreign Office were great sticklers for
+observing all the traditional forms. Lord Granville, in obedience
+to political pressure, had appointed the son of a leading
+politician as one of his unpaid private secretaries. The youth had
+been previously in his father's office in Leeds. On the day on
+which he started work in the Foreign Office he was given a bundle
+of letters to acknowledge. "You know, of course, the ordinary form
+of acknowledgment," said his chief. "Just acknowledge all these,
+and say that the matter will be attended to." When the young man
+from Leeds brought the letters he had written, for signature that
+evening, it was currently reported that they were all worded in
+the same way: "Dear Sirs:--Your esteemed favour of yesterday's
+date duly to hand, and contents noted. Our Lord Granville has your
+matter in hand." The horror-stricken official gasped at such a
+departure from established routine.
+
+As was the custom then, after one month in the Foreign Office, my
+immediate chief gave me a little lecture on the traditional high
+standard of honour of the Foreign Office, which he was sure I
+would observe, and then handed me a Cabinet key which he made me
+attach to my watch-chain in his presence. This Cabinet key
+unlocked all the boxes in which the most confidential papers of
+the Cabinet were circulated. As things were then arranged, this
+key was essential to our work, but a boy just turned twenty
+naturally felt immensely proud of such a proof of the confidence
+reposed in him. I think, too, that the Foreign Office can feel
+justifiably proud of the fact that the trust reposed in its most
+junior members was never once betrayed, and that the most weighty
+secrets were absolutely safe in their keeping.
+
+I have narrated elsewhere my early experiences at Berlin and
+Petrograd. In every capital the Diplomatists must always be, in a
+sense, sojourners in a strange land, and many of them who find a
+difficulty in amalgamating with the people of the country must
+always be thrown to a great extent on their own resources. It is
+probably for this reason that theatricals were so popular amongst
+the Diplomats in Petrograd, the plays being naturally always acted
+in French.
+
+Here I felt more or less at home. My grandmother, the Duchess of
+Bedford, was passionately fond of acting, and in my grandfather's
+time, one room at Woburn Abbey was permanently fitted up as a
+theatre. Here, every winter during my mother's girlhood, there was
+a succession of performances in which she, her mother and brothers
+and sisters all took part, the Russell family having a natural
+gift for acting. Probably the very name of Charles Matthews is
+unfamiliar to the present generations, so it is sufficient to say
+that he was THE light comedian of the early nineteenth century.
+The Garrick Club possesses a fine collection of portraits of
+Charles Matthews in some of his most popular parts. Charles
+Matthews acted regularly with the Russell family at Woburn, my
+mother playing the lead. I have a large collection of Woburn Abbey
+play-bills, from 1831-1839, all printed on white satin, and some
+of the pieces they put on were quite ambitious ones. My mother had
+a very sweet singing voice, which she retained till late in life;
+indeed a tiny thread of voice remained until her ninety-third
+year, with a faint remnant of its old sweetness still clinging to
+it. After her marriage, her love of theatricals still persisted,
+so we were often having performances at home, as my brothers and
+sisters shared her tastes. I made my first appearance on the stage
+at the age of seven, and I can still remember most of my lines.
+
+At Petrograd, in the French theatricals, I was always cast for old
+men, and I must have played countless fathers, uncles, generals,
+and family lawyers. As unmarried girls took part in these
+performances, the French pieces had to be considerably
+"bowdlerized," but they still remained as excruciatingly funny as
+only French pieces can be.
+
+If I may be permitted a rather lengthy digression, "bowdlerised"
+derives its name from Thomas Bowdler, who in 1818 published an
+expurgated edition of Shakespeare. It would be rather interesting
+to make a list of words which have passed into common parlance but
+which were originally derived from some peculiarity of the person
+whose surname they perpetuate. A few occur to me. In addition to
+"bowdlerise," there is "sandwich." As is well known, this compact
+form of nourishment derives its name from John, fourth Earl of
+Sandwich, who lived between 1718-1792. Lord Sandwich was a
+confirmed gambler, and such was his anxiety to lose still more
+money, and to impoverish further himself, his family, and his
+descendants, that he grudged the time necessary for meals, and had
+slices of bread and slices of meat placed by his side. The
+inventive faculty being apparently but little developed during the
+eighteenth century, he was the first person who thought of placing
+meat between two slices of bread. Owing to the economy of time
+thus effected, he was able to ruin himself very satisfactorily,
+and his name is now familiar all over the world, thanks to the
+condensed form of food he introduced.
+
+Again, Admiral Edward Vernon was Naval Commander-in-Chief in the
+West Indies in 1740. The Admiral was known as "Old Grog," from his
+habit of always having his breeches and the linings of his boat-
+cloaks made of grogram, a species of coarse white poplin (from the
+French grosgrain). It occurred to "Old Grog" that, in view of the
+ravages of yellow fever amongst the men of the Fleet, it would be
+advisable, in the burning climate of the West Indies, to dilute
+the blue-jackets' rations of rum with water before serving them
+out. This was accordingly done, to the immense dissatisfaction of
+the men, who probably regarded it as a forerunner of "Pussyfoot"
+legislation. They at once christened the mixture "grog," after the
+Admiral's nickname, and "grog" as a term for spirits and water has
+spread all over the world, and is used just as much in French as
+in English.
+
+The origin of the expression "to burke an inquiry," in the sense
+of suppressing or stifling it, is due to Burke and Hare, two
+enterprising malefactors who supplied the medical schools of
+Edinburgh with "subjects" for anatomical research, early in the
+nineteenth century. Their procedure was simple. Creeping behind
+unsuspecting citizens in lonely streets, they stifled them to
+death by placing pitch-plasters over their mouths and noses. Burke
+was hanged for this in Edinburgh in 1829.
+
+In our own time, an almost unknown man has enriched the language
+with a new verb. A Captain Boycott of Lough Mask House, Co. Mayo,
+was a small Irish land-agent in 1880. The means that were adopted
+to try and drive him out of the country are well known. Since that
+time the expression to "boycott" a person, in the sense of
+combining with others to refuse to have any dealings with him, has
+become a recognised English term, and is just as widely used in
+France as with us.
+
+A less familiar term is a "Collins," for the usual letter of
+thanks which a grateful visitor addresses to his recent host.
+This, of course, is derived from the Rev. Mr. Collins of Jane
+Austen's Pride and Prejudice, who prided himself on the dexterity
+with which he worded these acknowledgments of favours received. As
+another example, most bridge-players are but too familiar with the
+name of a certain defunct Earl of Yarborough, who, whatever his
+other good qualities may have been, scarcely seems to have been a
+consistently good card-holder.
+
+There must be quite a long list of similar words, and they would
+make an interesting study.
+
+To return to the Diplomatic Theatricals at Petrograd, Labiche's
+piece, La Cagnotte, is extraordinarily funny, though written over
+sixty years ago. We gave a very successful performance of this, in
+which I played the restaurant waiter--a capital part. La Lettre
+Chargee and Le Sous-Prefet are both most amusing pieces, which can
+be played, with very slight "cuts," before any audience, and they
+both bubble over with that gaiete francaise which appeals so to
+me. We were coached at Petrograd by Andrieux, the jeune premier of
+the Theatre Michel, and we all became very professional indeed,
+never talking of Au Seconde Acte, but saying Au Deux, in proper
+French stage style. We also endeavoured to cultivate the long-
+drawn-out "a's" of the Comedie Francaise, and pronounced
+"adorahtion" and "imaginahtion" in the traditional manner of the
+"Maison de Moliere."
+
+The British business community in Petrograd were also extremely
+fond of getting up theatricals, in this case, of course, in
+English. If in the French plays I was invariably cast for old men,
+in the English ones I was always allotted the extremely juvenile
+parts, being still very slim and able to "make up" young. I must
+confess to having appeared on the stage in an Eton jacket and
+collar at the age of twenty-four, as the schoolboy in Peril.
+
+Russians are extremely clever at parody. Two brothers Narishkin
+wrote an intensely amusing mock serious opera, entitled
+Gargouillada, ou la Belle de Venise. It was written half in French
+and mock-Italian, and half in Russian, and was an excellent skit
+on an old-fashioned Italian opera. All the ladies fought shy of
+the part of "Countess Gorganzola," the heroine's grandmother. This
+was partly due to the boldness of some of "Gorganzola's" lines,
+and also to the fact that whoever played the role would have to
+make-up frankly as an old woman. I was asked to take "Countess
+Gorganzola" instead of the villain of the piece, which I had
+rehearsed, and I did so, turning it into a sort of Charley's Aunt
+part. Garouillada went with a roar from the opening chorus to the
+final tableau, and so persistently enthusiastic were the audience
+that we agreed to give the opera again four nights in succession.
+
+I was at work in the Chancery of the Embassy next morning when
+three people were ushered in to me. They were a family from either
+St. Helens, Runcorn, or Widnes, I forget which, all speaking the
+broadest Lancashire. The navigation of the Neva being again
+opened, they had come on a little trip to Russia on a tramp-
+steamer belonging to a friend of theirs. There was the father, a
+short, thickset man in shiny black broadcloth, with a shaven upper
+lip, and a voluminous red "Newgate-frill" framing his face--
+exactly the type of face one associates with the Deacon of a
+Calvinistic-Methodist Chapel; there was the mother, a very grim-
+looking female; and the son, a nondescript hobbledehoy with
+goggle-eyes. It appeared that after their passports had been
+inspected on landing, the goggle-eyed boy had laid his down
+somewhere and had lost it. No hotel would take him in without a
+passport, but these people were so obviously genuine, that I had
+no hesitation in issuing a fresh passport to the lad, after
+swearing the father to an affidavit that the protuberant-eyed
+youth was his lawful son. After a few kind words as to the grave
+effects of any carelessness with passports in a country like
+Russia, I let the trio from Runcorn (or St. Helens) depart.
+
+That evening I had just finished dressing and making-up as
+Countess Gorganzola, when I was told that three English people who
+had come on from the Embassy wished to see me. The curtain would
+be going up in ten minutes, so I got an obliging Russian friend
+who spoke English to go down and interview them. The strong
+Lancashire accent defeated him. All he could tell me was that it
+was something about a passport, and that it was important. I was
+in a difficulty. It would have taken at least half an hour to
+change and make-up again, and the curtain was going up almost at
+once, so after some little hesitation I decided to go down as I
+was. I was wearing a white wig with a large black lace cap, and a
+gown of black moire-antique trimmed with flounces and hanging
+sleeves of an abominable material known as black Chantilly lace.
+Any one who has ever had to wear this hateful fabric knows how it
+catches in every possible thing it can do. Down I went, and the
+trio from Widnes (or Runcorn) seemed surprised at seeing an old
+lady enter the room. But when I spoke, and they recognised in the
+old lady the frock-coated (and I trust sympathetic) official they
+had interviewed earlier in the day, their astonishment knew no
+bounds. The father gazed at me horror-stricken, as though I were a
+madman; the mother kept on swallowing, as ladies of her type do
+when they wish to convey strong disapprobation; and the prominent-
+orbed boy's eyes nearly fell out of his head. I explained that
+some theatricals were in progress, but that did not mend matters;
+evidently in the serious circles in which they moved in St. Helens
+(or Widnes), theatricals were regarded as one of the snares of the
+Evil One. To make matters worse, one of my Chantilly lace sleeves
+caught in the handle of a drawer, and perhaps excusably, but quite
+audibly, I condemned all Chantilly lace to eternal punishment, but
+in a much shorter form. After that they looked on me as clearly
+beyond the pale. The difficulty about the passport was easily
+adjusted. The police had threatened to arrest the young man, as
+his new passport was clearly not the one with which he had entered
+Russia. The Russian Minister of the Interior happened to be in the
+green-room, and on my personal guarantee as to the identity of the
+Widnes youth, he wrote an order to the police on his visiting-
+card, bidding them to leave the goggle-eyed boy in peace. I really
+tremble to think of the reports this family must have circulated
+upon their return to Widnes (or Runcorn) as to the frivolity of
+junior members of the British Diplomatic Service, who dressed up
+as old women, and used bad language about Chantilly lace.
+
+There is a wearisome formality known as "legalising" which took up
+much time at the Berlin Embassy. Commercial agreements, if they
+are to be binding in two countries, say Germany and England, have
+to be "legalised," and this must be done at the Embassy, not at
+the Consulate. The individual bringing the document has to make a
+sworn affidavit that the contents of his papers are true; he then
+signs it, the dry-seal of the Embassy is embossed on it, and a
+rubber stamp impressed, declaring that the affidavit has been duly
+sworn to before a member of the Embassy staff. This is then signed
+and dated, and the process is complete. There were strings of
+people daily in Berlin with documents to be legalised, and on a
+little shelf in the Chancery reposed an Authorized Version of the
+Bible, a German Bible, a Vulgate version of the Gospels in Latin,
+and a Pentateuch in Hebrew, for the purpose of administering the
+oath, according to the religion professed by the individual. I was
+duly instructed how to administer the oath in German, and was told
+that my first question must be as to the religion the applicant
+professed, and that I was then to choose my Book accordingly. My
+great friend at Berlin was my fellow-attache Maude, a most
+delightful little fellow, who was universally popular. Poor Maude,
+who was a near relation of Mr. Cyril Maude the actor's, died four
+years afterwards in China. Most of the applicants for legalisation
+were of one particular faith. I admired the way in which little
+Maude, without putting the usual question as to religion, would
+scan the features of the applicant closely and then hand him the
+Hebrew Pentateuch, and request him to put on his hat. (Jews are
+always sworn covered.) About a month after my arrival in Berlin, I
+was alone in the Chancery when a man arrived with a document for
+legalisation. I was only twenty at the time, and felt rather
+"bucked" at administering my first oath. I thought that I would
+copy little Maude's methods, and after a good look at my visitor's
+prominent features, I handed him the Pentateuch and requested him
+to put on his hat. He was perfectly furious, and declared that
+both he and his father had been pillars of the Lutheran Church all
+their lives. I apologised profusely, but all the same I am
+convinced that the original family seat had been situated in the
+valley of the Jordan. I avoided, however, guesses as to religions
+for the future.
+
+Both at Berlin and at Petrograd I kept what are known as the
+"Extraordinary Accounts" of the Embassies. I am therefore in a
+position to give the exact amount spent on Secret Service, but I
+have not the faintest intention of doing anything of the sort.
+Suffice it to say that it is less than one-twentieth of the sum
+the average person would imagine. Bought information is nearly
+always unreliable information. A moment's consideration will show
+that, should a man be base enough to sell his country's secrets to
+his country's possible enemy, he would also unhesitatingly cheat,
+if he could, the man who purchases that information, which, from
+the very nature of the case, it is almost impossible to verify. In
+all probability the so-called information would have been
+carefully prepared at the General Staff for the express purpose of
+fooling the briber. There is a different class of information
+which, it seems to me, is more legitimate to acquire. The Russian
+Ministries of Commerce and Finance always imagined that they could
+overrule economic laws by decrees and stratagems. For instance,
+they were perpetually endeavouring to divert the flow of trade
+from its accustomed channels to some port they wished to stimulate
+artificially into prosperity, by granting rebates, and by
+exceptionally favourable railway rates. Large quantities of jute
+sacking were imported from Dundee to be made into bags for the
+shipment of Russian wheat. One Minister of Commerce elaborated an
+intricate scheme for supplanting the jute sacking by coarse linen
+sacking of Russian manufacture, by granting a bonus to the makers
+of the latter, and by doubling the import duties on the Scottish-
+woven material. I could multiply these economic schemes
+indefinitely. Now let us suppose that we had some source of
+information in the Ministry of Commerce, it was obviously of
+advantage to the British Government and to British traders to be
+warned of the pending economic changes some two years in advance,
+for nothing is ever done quickly in Russia. People in England then
+knew what to expect, and could make their arrangements
+accordingly. I can see nothing repugnant to the most rigid code of
+honour in obtaining information of this kind.
+
+On May 6, 1882, Lord Frederick Cavendish, the newly appointed
+Irish Secretary, and Mr. Burke, the Permanent Under-Secretary for
+Ireland, were assassinated in the Phoenix Park, Dublin. I knew Tom
+Burke very well indeed. The British Government offered a reward of
+ten thousand pounds for the apprehension of the murderers, and
+every policeman in Europe had rosy dreams of securing this great
+prize, and was constantly on the alert for the criminals and the
+reward.
+
+In July 1882, the Ambassador and half the Embassy staff were on
+leave in England. As matters were very slack just then, the Charge
+d'Affaires and the Second Secretary had gone to Finland for four
+days' fishing, leaving me in charge of the Embassy, with an
+Attache to help me. My servant came to me early one morning as I
+was in bed, and told me that an official of the Higher Police was
+outside my front door, and begged for permission to come into my
+flat. I have explained elsewhere that Ambassadors, their families,
+their staffs, and even all the Embassy servants enjoy what is
+called exterritoriality; that is, that by a polite fiction the
+Embassy and the houses or apartments of the Secretaries are
+supposed to be on the actual soil of the country they represent.
+Consequently, the police of the country cannot enter them except
+by special permission, and both the Secretaries and their servants
+are immune from arrest, and are not subject to the laws of the
+country, though they can, of course, be expelled from it. I gave
+the policeman leave to enter, and he came into my bedroom. "I have
+caught one of the Phoenix Park murderers," he told me triumphantly
+in Russian, visions of the possible ten thousand pounds wreathing
+his face in smiles. I jumped up incredulously. He went on to
+inform me that a man had landed from the Stockholm steamer early
+that morning. Though he declared that he had no arms with him, a
+revolver and a dagger had been found in his trunk. His passport
+had only been issued at the British Legation in Stockholm, and his
+description tallied exactly with the signalment issued by Scotland
+Yard in eight languages. The policier showed me the description:
+"height about five feet nine; complexion sallow, with dark eyes.
+Thickset build; probably with some recent cuts on face and hands."
+The policeman declared that the cuts were there, and that it was
+unquestionably the man wanted. Then he put the question point-
+blank, would the Embassy sanction this man's arrest? I was only
+twenty-five at the time. I had to act on "my own," and I had to
+decide quickly. "Yes, arrest him," I said, "but you are not to
+take him to prison. Confine him to his room at his hotel, with two
+or three of your men to watch him. I will dress and come there as
+quickly as I can."
+
+Half an hour later I was in a grubby room of a grubby hotel, where
+a short, sallow, thickset man, with three recent cuts on his face,
+was walking up and down, smoking cigarettes feverishly, and
+throwing frightened glances at three sinister-looking plain-
+clothes men, who pretended to be quite at ease. I looked again at
+the description and at the man. There could be no doubt about it.
+I asked him for his own account of himself. He told me that he was
+the Manager of the Gothenburg Tramway Company in Sweden, an
+English concern, and that he had come to Russia for a little
+holiday. He accounted for the cuts on his face and hands by saying
+that he had slipped and fallen on his face whilst alighting from a
+moving tram-car. He declared that he was well known in Stockholm,
+and that his wife, when packing his things, must have put in the
+revolver and dagger without his knowledge. It all sounded
+grotesquely improbable, but I promised to telegraph both to
+Stockholm and Gothenburg, and to return to him as soon as I had
+received the answers. In the meanwhile I feared that he must
+consider himself as under close arrest. He himself was under the
+impression that all the trouble was due to the concealed arms; the
+Phoenix Park murders had never once been mentioned. I sent off a
+long telegram in cypher to the Stockholm Legation, making certain
+inquiries, and a longer one en clair to the British Consul at
+Gothenburg. By nagging at the Attache, and by keeping that dapper
+young gentleman's nose pretty close to the grindstone, I got the
+first telegram cyphered and dispatched by 10 a.m.; the answers
+arrived about 4 p.m. The man's story was true in every particular.
+He HAD fallen off a moving tram and cut his face; his wife,
+terrified at the idea of unknown dangers in Russia, HAD borrowed a
+revolver and dagger from a friend, and had packed them in her
+husband's trunk without his knowledge. Mr. D---(I remember his
+name perfectly) was well known in Stockholm, and was a man of the
+highest respectability. I drove as fast as I could to the grubby
+hotel, where I found the poor fellow still restlessly pacing the
+room, and still smoking cigarette after cigarette. There was a
+perfect Mont Blanc of cigarette stumps on a plate, and the shifty-
+looking plain-clothes men were still watching their man like
+hawks. I told the police that they had got hold of the wrong man,
+that the Embassy was quite satisfied about him, and that they must
+release the gentleman at once. They accordingly did so, and the
+alluring vision of the ten thousand pounds vanished into thin air!
+The poor man was quite touchingly grateful to me; he had formed
+the most terrible ideas about a Russian State prison, and seemed
+to think that he owed his escape entirely to me. I had not the
+moral courage to tell him that I had myself ordered his arrest
+that morning, still less of the awful crime of which he had been
+suspected. Looking back, I do not see how I could have acted
+otherwise; the prima facie case against him was so strong; never
+was circumstantial evidence apparently clearer. Mr. D---went back
+to Sweden next day, as he had had enough of Russia. Should Mr. D--
+still be alive, and should he by any chance read these lines,
+may I beg of him to accept my humblest apologies for the way I
+behaved to him thirty-eight years ago.
+
+I happened to see the four assassins of Alexander II. driven
+through the streets of Petrograd on their way to execution. They
+were seated in chairs on large tumbrils, with their backs to the
+horses. Each one had a placard on his, or her breast, inscribed
+"Regicide" ("Tsaryubeeyetz" in Russian). Two military brass bands,
+playing loudly, followed the tumbrils. This was to make it
+impossible for the condemned persons to address the crowd, but the
+music might have been selected more carefully. One band played the
+well-known march from Fatinitza. There was a ghastly incongruity
+between the merry strains of this captivating march and the
+terrible fate that awaited the people escorted by the band at the
+end of their last drive on earth. When the first band rested, the
+second replaced it instantly to avoid any possibilities of a
+speech. The second band seemed to me to have made an equally
+unhappy selection of music. "Kaiser Alexander," written as a
+complimentary tribute to the murdered Emperor by a German
+composer, is a spirited and tuneful march, but as "Kaiser
+Alexander" was dead, and had been killed by the very people who
+were now going to expiate their crime, the familiar tune jarred
+horribly. A jaunty, lively march tune, and death at the end of it,
+and in a sense at the beginning of it too. At times even now I can
+conjure up a vision of the broad, sombre Petrograd streets, with
+the dull cotton-wool sky pressing down almost on to the house-
+tops; the vast silent crowds thronging the thoroughfares, and the
+tumbrils rolling slowly forward through the crowded streets to the
+place of execution, accompanied by the gay strains of the march
+from Fatinitza. The hideous incongruity between the tune and the
+occasion made one positively shudder.
+
+There is in the Russian temperament a peculiar unbalanced
+hysterical element. This, joined to a distinct bent towards the
+mystic, and to a large amount of credulity, has made Russia for
+two hundred years the happy hunting-ground of charlatans and
+impostors of various sorts claiming supernatural powers:
+clairvoyants, mediums, yogis, and all the rest of the tribe who
+batten on human weaknesses, and the perpetual desire to tear away
+the veil from the Unseen. It so happened that my chief at Lisbon
+had in his youth dabbled in the Black Art. Sir Charles Wyke was a
+dear old man, who had spent most of his Diplomatic career in
+Mexico and the South American Republics. He spoke Spanish better
+than any other Englishman I ever knew, with the one exception of
+Sir William Barrington. He was unmarried, and was a most
+distinguished-looking old gentleman with his snow-white imperial
+and moustache. He was unquestionably a little eccentric in his
+habits. He had rendered some signal service to the Mexican
+Government while British Minister there, by settling a dispute
+between them and the French authorities. The Mexican Government
+had out of gratitude presented him with a splendid Mexican saddle,
+with pommel, stirrups and bit of solid silver, and with the
+leather of the saddle most elaborately embroidered in silver. Sir
+Charles kept this trophy on a saddle-tree in his study at Lisbon,
+and it was his custom to sit on it daily for an hour or so. He
+said that as he was too old to ride, the feel of a saddle under
+him reminded him of his youth. When every morning I brought the
+old gentleman the day's dispatches, I always found him seated on
+his saddle, a cigar in his mouth, a skull-cap on his head, and his
+feet in the silver shoe-stirrups. Sir Charles had been a great
+friend of the first Lord Lytton, the novelist, and they had
+together dabbled in Black Magic. Sir Charles declared that the
+last chapters in Bulwer-Lytton's wonderful imaginative work, A
+STRANGE STORY, describing the preparation of the Elixir of Life in
+the heart of the Australian Bush, were all founded on actual
+experience, with the notable reservation that all the recorded
+attempts made to produce this magic fluid had failed from their
+very start. He had in his younger days joined a society of
+Rosicrucians, by which I do not mean the Masonic Order of that
+name, but persons who sought to penetrate into the Forbidden
+Domain. Some forty years ago a very interesting series of articles
+appeared in Vanity Fair (the weekly newspaper, not Thackeray's
+masterpiece), under the title of "The Black Art." In one of these
+there was an account of a seance which took place at the Pantheon
+in Oxford Street, in either the "forties" or the "fifties." A
+number of people had hired the hall, and the Devil was invoked in
+due traditional form, Then something happened, and the entire
+assemblage rushed terror-stricken into Oxford Street, and nothing
+would induce a single one of them to re-enter the building. Sir
+Charles owned that he had been present at the seance, but he would
+never tell me what it was that frightened them all so; he said
+that he preferred to forget the whole episode. Sir Charles had an
+idea that I was a "sensitive," so, after getting my leave to try
+his experiment, he poured into the palm of my hand a little pool
+of quicksilver, and placing me under a powerful shaded lamp, so
+that a ray of light caught the mercury pool, he told me to look at
+the bright spot for a quarter of an hour, remaining motionless
+meanwhile. Any one who has shared this experience with me, knows
+how the speck of light flashes and grows until that little pool of
+quicksilver seems to fill the entire horizon, darting out gleaming
+rays like an Aurora Borealis. I felt myself growing dazed and
+hypnotised, when Sir Charles emptied the mercury from my hand, and
+commenced making passes over me, looking, with his slender build
+and his white hair and beard, like a real mediaeval magician. "Now
+you can neither speak nor move," he cried at length. "I think I
+can do both, Sir Charles," I answered, as I got out of the chair.
+He tried me on another occasion, and then gave me up. I was
+clearly not a "sensitive."
+
+Sir Charles had quite a library of occult books, from which I
+endeavoured to glean a little knowledge, and great rubbish most of
+them were. Raymond Lully, Basil Valentine, Paracelsus, and Van
+Helmont; they were all there, in French, German, Latin, and
+English. The Alchemists had two obsessions: one was the discovery
+of the Elixir of Life, by the aid of which you could live forever;
+the other that of the Philosopher's Stone, which had the property
+of transmuting everything it touched into gold. Like practical
+men, they seemed to have concentrated their energies more
+especially on the latter, for a moment's consideration will show
+the exceedingly awkward predicament in which any one would be
+placed with only the first of these conveniences at his command.
+Should he by the aid of the Elixir of Life have managed to attain
+the age of, say, 300 years, he might find it excessively hard to
+obtain any remunerative employment at that time of life; whereas
+with the Philosopher's Stone in his pocket, he would only have to
+touch the door-scraper outside his house to find it immediately
+transmuted into the purest gold. In case of pressing need, he
+could extend the process with like result to his area railings,
+which ought to be enough to keep the wolf from the door for some
+little while even at the present-day scale of prices.
+
+Basil Valentine, the German Benedictine monk and alchemist, who
+wrote a book which he quaintly termed The Triumphant Wagon, in
+praise of the healing properties of antimony, actually thought
+that he had discovered the Elixir of Life in tartrate of antimony,
+more generally known as tartar emetic. He administered large doses
+of this turbulent remedy to some ailing monks of his community,
+who promptly all died of it.
+
+The main characteristics of the Alchemists is their wonderful
+clarity. For instance, when they wish to refer to mercury, they
+call it "the green lion," and the "Pontic Sea," which makes it
+quite obvious to every one. They attached immense importance to
+the herb "Lunary," which no one as yet has ever been able to
+discover. Should any one happen to see during their daily walks "a
+herb with a black root, and a red and violet stalk, whose leaves
+wax and wane with the moon," they will at once know that they have
+found a specimen of the rare herb "Lunary." The juice of this
+plant, if boiled with quicksilver, has only to be thrown over one
+hundred ounces of copper, to change them instantly into fine gold.
+Paracelsus' directions for making the Philosopher's Stone are very
+simple: "Take the rosy-coloured blood of the lion, and gluten from
+the eagle. Mix them together, and the Philosopher's Stone is
+thine. Seek the lion in the west, and the eagle in the south."
+What could be clearer? Any child could make sufficient
+Philosopher's Stones from this simple recipe to pave a street
+with--a most useful asset, by the way, to the Chancellor of the
+Exchequer at the present time, for every bicycle, omnibus and
+motor-lorry driving over the Philosopher Stone-paved street would
+instantly be changed automatically into pure gold, and the
+National Debt could be satisfactorily liquidated in this fashion
+in no time.
+
+Whenever I returned home on leave, whether from Berlin, Petrograd,
+Lisbon, or Buenos Ayres, I invariably spent a portion of my leave
+at Glamis Castle. This venerable pile, "whose birth tradition
+notes not," though the lower portions were undoubtedly standing in
+1016, rears its forest of conical turrets in the broad valley
+lying between the Grampians and the Sidlaws, in the fertile plains
+of Forfarshire. Apart from the prestige of its immense age, Glamis
+is one of the most beautiful buildings in the Three Kingdoms. The
+exquisitely weathered tints of grey-pink and orange that its
+ancient red sandstone walls have taken on with the centuries, its
+many gables and towers rising in summer-time out of a sea of
+greenery, the richness of its architectural details, make Glamis a
+thing apart. There is nothing else quite like it. No more charming
+family can possibly be imagined than that of the late Lord
+Strathmore, forty years ago. The seven sons and three daughters of
+the family were all born musicians. I have never heard such
+perfect and finished part-singing as that of the Lyon family, and
+they were always singing: on the way to a cricket-match; on the
+road home from shooting; in the middle of dinner, even, this
+irrepressible family could not help bursting into harmony, and
+such exquisite harmony, too! Until their sisters grew up, the
+younger boys sang the treble and alto parts, but finally they were
+able to manage a male-voice quartet, a trio of ladies' voices, and
+a combined family octette. The dining-room at Glamis is a very
+lofty hall, oak-panelled, with a great Jacobean chimney-piece
+rising to the roof. After dinner it was the custom for the two
+family pipers to make the circuit of the table three times, and
+then to walk slowly off, still playing, through the tortuous stone
+passages of the ancient building until the last faint echoes of
+the music had died away. Then all the lights in the dining-room
+were extinguished except the candles on the table, and out came a
+tuning-fork, and one note was sounded--"Madrigal," "Spring is
+Come, third beat," said the conducting brother, and off they went,
+singing exquisitely; glees, madrigals, part-songs, anything and
+everything, the acoustic properties of the lofty room adding to
+the effect. All visitors to Glamis were charmed with this most
+finished singing--always, of course, without accompaniment. They
+sang equally well in the private chapel, giving admirable
+renderings of the most intricate "Services," and, from long
+practice together, their voices blended perfectly. This gifted
+family were equally good at acting. They had a permanent stage
+during the winter months at Glamis, and as every new Gilbert and
+Sullivan opera was produced in London, the concerted portions were
+all duly repeated at Glamis, and given most excellently. I have
+never heard the duet and minuet between "Sir Marmaduke" and "Lady
+Sangazure" from The Sorcerer better done than at Glamis, although
+Sir Marmaduke was only nineteen, and Lady Sangazure, under her
+white wig, was a boy of twelve. The same boy sang "Mabel" in the
+Pirates of Penzance most admirably.
+
+In 1884 it was conveyed to Lord Strathmore that Mr. and Mrs.
+Gladstone, whom he did not know personally, were most anxious to
+see Glamis. Of course an invitation was at once dispatched, and in
+spite of the rigorously Tory atmosphere of the house, we were all
+quite charmed with Mr. Gladstone's personality. Lord Strathmore
+wished to stop the part-singing after dinner, but I felt sure that
+Mr. Gladstone would like it, so it took place as usual. The old
+gentleman was perfectly enchanted with it, and complimented this
+tuneful family enthusiastically on the perfect finish of their
+singing. Next evening Mr. Gladstone asked for a part-song in the
+middle of dinner, and as the singing was continued in the drawing-
+room afterwards, he went and, with a deferential courtesy charming
+to see in a man of his age and position, asked whether the young
+people would allow an old man to sing bass in the glees with them.
+Mr. Gladstone still had a very fine resonant bass, and he read
+quite admirably. It was curious to see the Prime Minister reading
+off the same copy as an Eton boy of sixteen, who was singing alto.
+Being Sunday night, they went on singing hymns and anthems till
+nearly midnight; there was no getting Mr. Gladstone away. Mrs.
+Gladstone told me next day that he had not enjoyed himself so much
+for many months.
+
+There was a blend of simplicity, dignity, and kindliness in Mrs.
+Gladstone's character that made her very attractive. My family
+were exceedingly fond of her, and though two of my brothers were
+always attacking Mr. Gladstone in the most violent terms, this
+never strained their friendly relations with Mrs. Gladstone
+herself. I always conjure up visions of Mrs. Gladstone in her
+sapphire-blue velvet, her invariable dress of ceremony. Though a
+little careless as to her appearance, she always looked a "great
+lady," and her tall figure, and the kindly old face with its crown
+of silvery hair, were always welcomed in the houses of those
+privileged to know her.
+
+The Lyon family could do other things besides singing and acting.
+The sons were all excellent shots, and were very good at games.
+One brother was lawn-tennis champion of Scotland, whilst another,
+with his partner, won the Doubles Championship of England.
+
+Glamis is the oldest inhabited house in Great Britain. As
+Shakespeare tells us in Macbeth,
+
+"This castle hath a pleasant seat; the air Nimbly and sweetly
+recommends itself Unto our gentle senses."
+
+The vaulted crypt was built before 1016, and another ancient
+stone-flagged, stone-vaulted hall leading out of it is the
+traditional scene of the murder of Duncan by Macbeth, the "Thane
+of Glamis." In a room above it King Malcolm II. of Scotland was
+murdered in 1034. The castle positively teems with these agreeable
+traditions. The staircases and their passages are stone-walled,
+stone-roofed, and stone-floored, and their flags are worn into
+hollows by the feet which have trodden them for so many centuries.
+Unusual features are the secret winding staircases debouching in
+the most unexpected places, and a well in the front hall, which
+doubtless played a very useful part during the many sieges the
+castle sustained in the old days. The private chapel is a
+beautiful little place of worship, with eighty painted panels of
+Scriptural subjects by De Witt, the seventeenth-century Dutch
+artist, and admirable stained glass. The Castle, too, is full of
+interesting historical relics. It boasts the only remaining Fool's
+dress of motley in the kingdom; Prince Charlie's watch and clothes
+are still preserved there, for the Prince, surprised by the
+Hanoverian troops at Glamis, had only time to jump on a horse and
+escape, leaving all his belongings behind him. There is a
+wonderful collection of old family dresses of the seventeenth and
+eighteenth centuries, and above all there is the very ancient
+silver-gilt cup, "The Lion of Glamis," which holds an entire
+bottle of wine, and on great family occasions is still produced
+and used as a loving-cup, circulating from hand to hand round the
+table. Walter Scott in a note to Waverly states that it was the
+"Lion of Glamis" cup which gave him the idea of the "Blessed Bear
+of Bradwardine." In fact, there is no end to the objects of
+interest this wonderful old castle contains, and the Lyon family
+have inhabited it for six hundred years in direct line from father
+to son.
+
+It is difficult for me to write impartially about Glamis, for it
+is as familiar to me as my own home. I have been so much there,
+and have received such kindness within its venerable walls, that
+it can never be to me quite as other places are. I can see vast
+swelling stretches of purple heather, with the dainty little
+harebells all a-quiver in the strong breeze sweeping over the
+grouse-butts, as a brown mass of whirling wings rushes past at the
+pace of an express train, causing one probably to reflect how
+well-nigh impossible it is to "allow" too much for driven grouse
+flying down-wind. I can picture equally vividly the curling-pond
+in winter-time, tuneful with the merry chirrup of the curling-
+stones as they skim over the ice, whilst cries of "Soop her up,
+man, soop! Soop!" from the anxious "skip" fill the keen air. I
+like best, though, to think of the Glamis of my young days, when
+the ancient stone-built passages and halls, that have seen so many
+generations pass through them and disappear, rang with perpetual
+youthful laughter, or echoed beautifully finished part-singing;
+when nimble young feet twinkled, and kilts whirled to the skirl of
+the pipes under the vaulted roof of the nine-hundred-year-old
+crypt; when the whole place was vibrant with joyous young life,
+and the stately, grey-bearded owner of the historic castle, and of
+many broad acres in Strathmore besides, found his greatest
+pleasure in seeing how happy his children and his guests could be
+under his roof.
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+
+Canada--The beginnings of the C.P.R.--Attitude of British
+Columbia--The C.P.R. completed--Quebec--A swim at Niagara--Other
+mighty waterfalls--Ottawa and Rideau Hall--Effects of dry climate--
+Personal electricity--Every man his own dynamo--Attraction of
+Ottawa--Curling--The "roaring game"--Skating--An ice-palace--A
+ball on skates--Difficulties of translating the Bible into Eskimo--
+The building of the snow hut--The snow hut in use--Sir John
+Macdonald--Some personal traits--The Canadian Parliament
+buildings--Monsieur l'Orateur--A quaint oration--The "Pages'
+Parliament"--An all-night sitting--The "Arctic Cremorne"--A
+curious Lisbon custom--The Balkan "souvenir-hunters"--Personal
+inspection of Canadian convents--Some incidents--The unwelcome
+novice--The Montreal Carnival--The Ice-castle--The Skating
+Carnival--A stupendous toboggan slide--The pioneer of "ski" in
+Canada--The old-fashioned raquettes--A Canadian Spring--Wonder of
+the Dominion.
+
+ When I was in Canada for the first time in 1884, the Canadian
+Pacific Railway was not completed, and there was no through
+railway connection between the Maritime Provinces, "Upper" and
+"Lower" Canada, and the Pacific Coast, though, of course, in 1884
+those old-fashioned terms for the Provinces of Ontario and Quebec
+had been obsolete for some time. Since the Federation of the
+Dominion in 1867, the opening of the Trans-Continental railway has
+been the most potent factor in the knitting together of Canada,
+and has developed the resources of the Dominion to an extent which
+even the most enthusiastic of the original promoters of the C.P.R.
+never anticipated. When British Columbia threw in its lot with the
+Dominion in 1871, one of the terms upon which the Pacific Province
+insisted was a guarantee that the Trans-Continental railway should
+be completed in ten years--that is, in 1881. Two rival Companies
+received in 1872 charters for building the railway; the result was
+continual political intrigue, and very little construction work.
+British Columbia grew extremely restive under the continual
+delays, and threatened to retire from the Dominion. Lord Dufferin
+told me himself, when I was his Private Secretary in Petrograd,
+that on the occasion of his official visit to British Columbia (of
+course by sea), in either 1876 or 1877, as Governor-General, he
+was expected to drive under a triumphal arch which had been
+erected at Victoria, Vancouver Island. This arch was inscribed on
+both sides with the word "Separation." I remember perfectly Lord
+Dufferin's actual words in describing the incident: "I sent for
+the Mayor of Victoria, and told him that I must have a small--a
+very small--alteration made in the inscription, before I could
+consent to drive under it; an alteration of one letter only. The
+initial 'S' must be replaced with an 'R' and then I would pledge
+my word that I would do my best to see that 'Reparation' was made
+to the Province." This is so eminently characteristic of Lord
+Dufferin's methods that it is worth recording. The suggested
+alteration in the inscription was duly made, and Lord Dufferin
+drove under the arch. In spite of continued efforts the Governor-
+General was unable to expedite the construction of the railway
+under the Mackenzie Administration, and it needed all his
+consummate tact to quiet the ever-growing demand for separation
+from the Dominion on the part of British Columbia, owing to the
+non-fulfilment of the terms of union. It was not until 1881, under
+Sir John Macdonald's Premiership, that a contract was signed with
+a new Company to complete the Canadian Pacific within ten years,
+but so rapid was the progress made, that the last spike was
+actually driven on November 7, 1886, five years before the
+stipulated time. The names of three Scotsmen will always be
+associated with this gigantic undertaking: those of the late
+Donald Smith, afterwards Lord Strathcona; George Stephen, now Lord
+Mount-stephen; and Mr. R. B. Angus of Montreal. The last spike,
+which was driven in at a place called Craigellachie, by Mrs.
+Mackenzie, widow of the Premier under whom the C.P.R. had been
+commenced, was of an unusual character, for it was of eighteen-
+carat gold. In the course of an hour it was replaced by a more
+serviceable spike of steel. I have often seen Mrs. Mackenzie
+wearing the original gold spike, with "Craigellachie" on it in
+diamonds.
+
+There are few finer views in the world than that from the terrace
+of the Citadel of Quebec over the mighty expanse of the St.
+Lawrence, with ocean-going steamers lying so close below that it
+would be possible to drop a stone from the Citadel on to their
+decks; and the view from the Dufferin Terrace, two hundred feet
+lower down, is just as fine. My brother-in-law, Lord Lansdowne,
+had been appointed Governor-General in 1883, and I well remember
+my first arrival in Quebec. We had been living for five weeks in
+the backwoods of the Cascapedia, the famous salmon-river, under
+the most primitive conditions imaginable. I had come there
+straight from the Argentine Republic on a tramp steamer, and we
+lived on the Cascapedia coatless and flannel-shirted, with our
+legs encased in "beef moccasins" as a protection against the
+hordes of voracious flies that battened ravenously on us from
+morning to night. It was a considerable change from a tent on the
+banks of the rushing, foaming Cascapedia to the Citadel of Quebec,
+which was then appointed like a comfortable English country house,
+and gave one a thoroughly home-like feeling at once. After my
+prolonged stay in South America I was pleased, too, to recognise
+familiar pictures, furniture and china which I had last met in
+their English Wiltshire home, all of them with the stolid
+impassiveness of inanimate objects unaware that they had been
+spirited across the Atlantic, three thousand miles from their
+accustomed abiding-place.
+
+In September 1884, at a point immediately below the Falls, I swam
+Niagara with Mr. Cecil Baring, now a partner in Baring Brothers,
+then an Oxford undergraduate. We were standing at the foot of the
+American Falls, when we noticed a little board inscribed, "William
+Grenfell of Taplow Court, England" (the present Lord Desborough),
+"swam Niagara at this spot." I looked at Baring, Baring looked at
+me. "I don't see why we shouldn't do it too," he observed, to
+which I replied, "We might have a try," so we stripped, sent our
+clothes over to the Canadian side, and entered the water. It was a
+far longer swim than either of us had anticipated, the current was
+very strong, and the eddies bothered us. When we landed on the
+Canadian shore, I was utterly exhausted, though Baring, being
+eight years younger than me, did not feel the effects of the
+exertion so much. I remember that the Falls, seen from only six
+inches above the surface of the water, looked like a splendid
+range of snow-clad hills tumbling about in mad confusion, and that
+the roar of waters was deafening. As we both lay panting and
+gasping, puris naturalibus, on the Canadian bank, I need hardly
+say, as we were on the American continent, that a reporter made
+his appearance from nowhere, armed with notebook and pencil. This
+young newspaper-man was not troubled with false delicacy. He asked
+us point-blank what we had made out of our swim. On learning that
+we had had no money on it, but had merely done it for the fun of
+the thing, he mentioned the name of a place of eternal punishment,
+shut up his notebook in disgust, and walked off: there was
+evidently no "story" to be made out of us. After some luncheon and
+a bottle of Burgundy, neither Baring nor I felt any the worse for
+our swim, nor were we the least tired during the remainder of the
+day. I have seen Niagara in summer, spring and in mid-winter, and
+each time the fascination of these vast masses of tumbling waters
+has grown on me. I have never, to my regret, seen the Victoria
+Falls of the Zambesi, as on two separate occasions when starting
+for them unforeseen circumstances detained me in Cape Town. The
+Victoria Falls are more than double the height of Niagara, Niagara
+falling 160 feet, and the Zambesi 330 feet, and the Falls are over
+one mile broad, but I fancy that except in March and April, the
+volume of water hurling itself over them into the great chasm
+below is smaller than at Niagara. I have heard that the width of
+the Victoria Falls is to within a few yards exactly the distance
+between the Marble Arch and Oxford Circus. When I was in the
+Argentine Republic, the great Falls of the River Iguazu, a
+tributary of the Parana, were absolutely inaccessible. To reach
+them vast tracts of dense primeval forest had to be traversed,
+where every inch of the track would have to be laboriously hacked
+through the jungle. Their very existence was questioned, for it
+depended on the testimony of wandering Indians, and of one
+solitary white man, a Jesuit missionary. Now, since the railway to
+Paraguay has been completed, the Iguazu Falls can be reached,
+though the journey is still a difficult one. The Falls are 200
+feet high, and nearly a mile wide. In the very heart of the City
+of Ottawa there are the fine Chaudiere Falls, where the entire
+River Ottawa drops fifty feet over a rocky ledge. The boiling
+whirl of angry waters has well earned its name of cauldron, or
+"Chaudiere," but so much of the water has now been drawn off to
+supply electricity and power to the city, that the volume of the
+falls has become sensibly diminished. I know of no place in Europe
+where the irresistible might of falling waters is more fully
+brought home to one than at Trollhattan in Sweden. Here the Gotha
+River whirls itself down 120 feet in seven cataracts. They are
+rapids rather than falls, but it is the immense volume of water
+which makes them so impressive. Every year Trolhattan grows more
+and more disfigured by saw-mills, carbide of calcium works, and
+other industrial buildings sprouting up like unsightly mushrooms
+along the river-banks. The last time that I was there it was
+almost impossible to see the falls in their entirety from any
+point, owing to this congestion of squalid factories.
+
+Rideau Hall, the Government House at Ottawa, stands about two
+miles out of the town, and is a long, low, unpretentious building,
+exceedingly comfortable as a dwelling-house, if somewhat
+inadequate as an official residence for the Governor-General of
+Canada. Lord Dufferin added a large and very handsome ball-room,
+fitted with a stage at one end of it, and a full-sized tennis-
+court. This tennis-court, by an ingenious arrangement, can be
+converted in a few hours into a splendid supper-room. A red and
+white tent is lowered bodily from the roof; a carpet is spread
+over the floor; great white-and-gold electric standards bearing
+the arms of the different Provinces are placed in position, and
+the thing is done. The intense dryness of the Canadian winter
+climate, especially in houses where furnace-heat intensifies the
+dryness, produces some unexpected results. My brother-in-law had
+brought out a number of old pieces of French inlaid furniture. The
+excessive dryness forced out some of the inlaid marqueterie of
+these pieces, and upon their return to Europe they had to undergo
+a long and expensive course of treatment. Some fine Romneys and
+Gainesboroughs also required the picture-restorer's attentions
+before they could return to their Wiltshire home after a five
+years' sojourn in the dry air of Canada. The ivory handles of
+razors shrink in the dry atmosphere; as the steel frame cannot
+shrink correspondingly the ivory splits in two. The thing most
+surprising to strangers was that it was possible in winter-time to
+light the gas with one's finger. All that was necessary was to
+shuffle over the carpet in thin shoes, and then on touching any
+metal object, an electric spark half an inch long would crack out
+of your finger. The size and power of the spark depended a great
+deal on the temperament of the experimenter. A high-strung person
+could produce quite a large spark; a stolid, bovine individual
+could not obtain a glimmer of one. The late Mr. Joseph
+Chamberlain, whilst staying at Government House, was told of this,
+but was inclined to be sceptical. My sister, Lady Lansdowne, made
+him shuffle over the carpet, and then and there touch a gas-burner
+from which she had removed the globe. Mr. Chamberlain, with his
+nervous temperament, produced a spark an inch long out of himself,
+and of course the gas flared up immediately. I do not think that I
+had ever seen any one more surprised. This power of generating
+static electricity from their own bodies was naturally a source of
+immense delight to the Lansdowne children. They loved, after
+shuffling their feet on the carpet, to creep up to any adult
+relation and touch them lightly on the ear, a most sensitive spot.
+There would be a little spark, a little shock, and a little
+exclamation of surprise. Outside the children's schoolroom there
+was a lobby warmed by a stove, and the air there was peculiarly
+dry. The young people, with a dozen or so of their youthful
+friends, would join hands, taking, however, care not to complete
+the circle, and then shuffle their feet vigorously. On completing
+the circuit, they could produce a combined spark over two inches
+long, with a correspondingly sharp shock. In my bedroom at Ottawa
+there was an old-fashioned high brass fender. Had I put on
+slippers, and have attempted to warm myself at the fire previous
+to turning-in. I should be reminded, by a sharp discharge from my
+protesting calves into the metal fender, that I was in dry Canada.
+(At that date the dryness of Canada was atmospherical only.)
+Curiously enough, a spark leaving the body produces the same shock
+as one entering it, and no electricity whatever can be generated
+with bare feet. One of the footmen at Ottawa must have been an
+abnormally high-strung young man, for should one inadvertently
+touch silver dinner-plate he handed one, a sharp electric shock
+resulted. The children delighted in one very pretty experiment.
+Many books for the young have their bindings plentifully adorned
+with gold, notably the French series, the "Bibliotheque Rose."
+Should one of these highly-gilt volumes be taken into a warm and
+dry place, and the lights extinguished, the INNER side of the
+binding had only to be rubbed briskly with a fur-cap for all the
+gilding to begin to sparkle and coruscate, and to send out little
+flashes of light. The children took the utmost pleasure in this
+example of the curious properties of electricity.
+
+The Ottawa of the "eighties" was an attractive little place, and
+Ottawa Society was very pleasant. There was then a note of
+unaffected simplicity about everything that was most engaging, and
+the people were perfectly natural and free from pretence. The
+majority of them were Civil servants of limited means, and as
+everybody knew what their neighbours' incomes were, there was no
+occasion for make-believe. The same note of simplicity ran through
+all amusements and entertaining, and I think that it constituted
+the charm of the place. I called one afternoon on the very
+agreeable wife of a high official, and was told at the door that
+Lady R--was not at home. Recognizing my voice, a cry came up
+from the kitchen-stairs. "Oh, yes! I am at home to you. Come right
+down into the kitchen," where I found my friend, with her sleeves
+rolled up, making with her own hands the sweets for the dinner-
+party she was giving that night, as she mistrusted her cook's
+capabilities. The Ottawa people had then that gift of being
+absolutely unaffected, which makes the majority of Australians so
+attractive. Now everything has changed; Ottawa has trebled in size
+since I first knew it, and on revisiting it twenty-five years
+later, I found that it had become very "smart" indeed, with
+elaborate houses and gorgeous raiment.
+
+Rideau Hall had two open-air skating-rinks in its own grounds, two
+imposing toboggan-slides, and a covered curling-rink. The "roaring
+game" is played in Canada with very heavy straight-sided iron
+"stones," weighing from 50 to 60 lbs. As the ice in a covered rink
+can be constantly flooded, it can be kept in the most perfect
+order, and with the heavy stones far greater accuracy can be
+attained than with the granite stones used in Scotland. The game
+becomes a sort of billiards on ice. The Rideau Hall team consisted
+of Lord Lansdowne himself, General Sir Henry Streatfield, a nephew
+of mine, and one of the footmen, who seemed to have a natural gift
+as a curler. Our team were invincible in 1888. At a curling-match
+against Montreal in 1887, a long-distance telephone was used for
+the first time in Canada. Ottawa is 120 miles distant from
+Montreal, and a telephone was specially installed, and each "end"
+telephoned from Rideau Hall to Montreal, where the result was
+shown on a board, excitement over the match running high. Montreal
+proved the victors. On great occasions such as this, the ice of
+the curling-rink was elaborately decorated in colours. It was very
+easily done. Ready-prepared stencils, such as are used for wall-
+decoration, were laid on the ice, and various coloured inks mixed
+with water were poured through the stencil holes, and froze almost
+immediately on to the ice below. In this fashion complicated
+designs of roses, thistles and maple-leaves, all in their proper
+colours, could be made in a very short time, and most effective
+they were until destroyed by the first six "ends." When the
+Governor-General's time in Canada expired and he was transferred
+to India, the curlers of Canada presented him with a farewell
+address. Lord Lansdowne made, I thought, a very happy reply.
+Speaking of the regret he felt at leaving Ottawa, and at severing
+his many links of connection with Canada, he added that, bearing
+in view the climate of Bengal, he did not anticipate much curling
+in India, and that he would miss the "roaring game"; in fact, the
+only "roaring game" he was likely to come in contact with would
+probably take the unpleasant form of a Bengal tiger springing out
+at him. Lord Lansdowne went on to say, "Let us hope that it will
+not happen that your ex-Governor-General will be found, not
+pursuing the roaring game, but being pursued by it."
+
+From skating daily, most of the Government House party became very
+expert, and could perform every kind of trick upon skates. Lord
+and Lady Lansdowne and their two daughters, now Duchess of
+Devonshire and Lady Osborne Beauclerk, could execute the most
+complicated Quadrilles and Lancers on skates, and could do the
+most elaborate figures.
+
+Once a week all Ottawa turned up at Rideau Hall to skate to the
+music of a good military band. Every year in December a so-called
+ice-palace was built for the band, of clear blocks of ice. Once
+given a design, ice-architecture is most fascinating and very
+easy. Instead of mortar, all that is required is a stream of water
+from a hose to freeze the ice-blocks together, and as ice can be
+easily chipped into any shape, the most fantastic pinnacles and
+ornaments can be contrived. Our ice-palace was usually built in
+what I may call a free adaptation of the Canado-Moresque style. A
+very necessary feature in the ice-palace was the large stove for
+thawing the brass instruments of the band. A moment's
+consideration will show that in the intense cold of a Canadian
+winter, the moisture that accumulates in a brass instrument would
+freeze solid, rendering the instrument useless. The bandsmen had
+always to handle the brass with woollen gloves on, to prevent
+getting burnt. How curious it is that the sensation of touching
+very hot or very cold metal is identical, and that it produces the
+same effect on the human skin! With thirty or more degrees of
+frost, great caution must be used in handling skate-blades with
+bare fingers if burns are to be avoided. The coldest day I have
+ever known was New Year's Day 1888, when the thermometer at Ottawa
+registered 41 degrees below, or 73 degrees of frost. The air was
+quite still, as it invariably is with great cold, but every breath
+taken gave one a sensation of being pinched on the nose, as the
+moisture in the nostrils froze together.
+
+The weekly club-dances of the Ottawa Skating Club were a pretty
+sight. They were held in a covered public rink, gay with many
+flags, with garlands of artificial flowers and foliage, and
+blazing with sizzling arc-lights. These people, accustomed to
+skates from their earliest childhood, could dance as easily and as
+gracefully on them as on their feet, whilst fur-muffled mothers
+sat on benches round the rink, drinking tea and coffee as
+unconcernedly as though they were at a garden-party in mid-July
+instead of in a temperature of zero. An "Ottawa March" was a great
+institution. Couples formed up as though for a country dance, the
+band struck up some rollicking tune, the leader shouted his
+directions, and fifty couples whirled and twirled, and skated
+backwards or forwards as he ordered, going through the most
+complicated evolutions, in pairs or fours or singly, joining here,
+parting there, but all in perfect time. Woe betide the leader
+should he lose his head! A hundred people would get tangled up in
+a hideous confusion, and there was nothing for it but to begin all
+over again.
+
+It is curious that in countries like England and Prance, where
+from the climatic conditions skating must be a very occasional
+amusement, there is a special word for the pastime, and that in
+Germany and Russia, where every winter brings its skating as a
+matter of course, there should be no word for it. "Skate" in
+English, and patiner in French, mean propelling oneself on iron
+runners over ice, and nothing else; whereas in German there is
+only the clumsy compound-word Schlittschuh-laufen, which means "to
+run on sledge shoes," and in Russian it is called in equally
+roundabout fashion Katatsa-na-konkach, or literally "to roll on
+little horses," hardly a felicitous expression. As a rule people
+have no word for expressing a thing which does not come within
+their own range of experience; for instance, no one would expect
+that Arabs, or Somalis, or the inhabitants of the Sahara would
+have any equivalent for either skating or tobogganing, nor do I
+imagine that the Eskimo have any expression for "sunstroke" or
+"heat-apoplexy," but one would have thought that Russians and
+Germans might have evolved a word for skating.
+
+Apropos of Eskimo, I once heard a missionary describe the
+extraordinary difficulty he had found in translating the Bible
+into Eskimo. It was useless to talk of corn or wine to a people
+who did not know even what they meant, so he had to use
+equivalents within their powers of comprehension. Thus in the
+Eskimo version of the Scriptures the miracle of Cana of Galilee is
+described as turning the water into BLUBBER; the 8th verse of the
+5th chapter of the First Epistle of St. Peter ran: "Your adversary
+the devil, as a roaring Polar BEAR walketh about, seeking whom he
+may devour." In the same way "A land flowing with milk and honey"
+became "A land flowing with whale's blubber," and throughout the
+New Testament the words "Lamb of God" had to be translated "little
+Seal of God," as the nearest possible equivalent. The missionary
+added that his converts had the lowest opinion of Jonah for not
+having utilised his exceptional opportunities by killing and
+eating the whale.
+
+Fired by the example of the builders of the ice-palace on the rink
+at Rideau Hall, I offered to build for the Lansdowne children an
+ice-hut for their very own, a chilly domicile which they had
+ardently longed for. As it is my solitary achievement as an
+architect, I must dwell rather lovingly on the building of this
+hut. The professional ice-cutters were bringing up daily a large
+supply of great gleaming transparent blocks from the river, both
+for the building of the band-house and for the summer supply of
+Rideau Hall, so there was no lack of material. On the American
+continent one is being told so constantly that this-and-that "will
+cut no ice," that it is satisfactory to be able to report that
+those French-Canadians cut ice in the most efficient fashion. My
+sole building implement was a kettle of boiling water. I placed
+ice-blocks in a circle, pouring boiling water between each two
+blocks to melt the points of contact, and in half an hour they had
+frozen into one solid lump. I and a friend proceeded like this
+till the ice-walls were about four feet high, spaces being left
+for the door and windows. As the blocks became too heavy to lift,
+we used great wads of snow in their stead, melting them with cold
+water and kneading them into shape with thick woollen gloves, and
+so the walls rose. I wanted a snow roof; had we been mediaeval
+cathedral builders we might possibly have fashioned a groined and
+vaulted snow roof, with ice ribs, but being amateurs, our roof
+perpetually collapsed, so we finally roofed the hut with grooved-
+and-tongued boards, cutting a hole through them for the chimney.
+We then built a brick fire-place, with mantelpiece complete,
+ending in an iron chimney. The windows were our great triumph. I
+filled large japanned tea-trays two inches deep with water and
+left them out to freeze. Then we placed the trays in a hot bath
+and floated the sheets of ice off. They broke time and time again,
+but after about the twentieth try we succeeded in producing two
+great sheets of transparent ice which were fitted into the window-
+spaces, and firmly cemented in place with wet snow. Then the
+completed hut had to be furnished. A carpenter in Ottawa made me a
+little dresser, a little table, and little chairs of plain deal; I
+bought some cooking utensils, some enamelled-iron tea-things and
+plates, and found in Ottawa some crude oleographs printed on oil-
+cloth and impervious to damp. These were duly hung on the snow
+walls of the hut, and the little girls worked some red Turkey-
+twill curtains for the ice windows, and a frill for the
+mantelpiece in orthodox south of England cottage style. The boys
+made a winding tunnel through the snow-drifts up to the door of
+the hut, and Nature did the rest, burying the hut in snow until
+its very existence was unsuspected by strangers, though it may be
+unusual to see clouds of wood-smoke issuing from an apparent snow-
+drift. That little house stood for over three months; it afforded
+the utmost joy to its youthful occupiers, and I confess that I
+took a great paternal pride in it myself. Really at night, with
+the red curtains drawn over the ice windows, with the pictures on
+its snow walls, a lamp alight and a roaring log fire blazing on
+the brick hearth, it was the most invitingly cosy little place. It
+is true that with the heat the snow walls perspired freely, and
+the roof was apt to drip like a fat man in August, but it was
+considered tactful to ignore these details. Here the children
+entertained their friends at tea-parties, and made hideous
+juvenile experiments in cookery; here, too, "Jerusalem the Golden"
+was prepared. It was a simple operation; milk and honey were
+thoroughly mixed in a bowl, the bowl was put out to freeze, and
+the frozen mass dipped into hot water to loosen it; "Jerusalem the
+Golden" was then broken up small, and the toothsome chips eagerly
+devoured. Those familiar with the hymn will at once understand the
+allusion.
+
+Sir John Macdonald, the Prime Minister, was very often at
+Government House, and dined there perpetually. When at the
+Petrograd Embassy, I was constantly hearing of Sir John from my
+chief, Lord Dufferin, who had an immense admiration for him, and
+considered him the maker of the Dominion, and a really great
+statesman. I was naturally anxious to meet a man of whom I had
+heard so much. "John A.," as he was universally known in Canada,
+had a very engaging personality, and conveyed an impression of
+having an enormous reserve of latent force behind his genial
+manner. Facially he was reminiscent of Lord Beaconsfield, but
+there was nothing very striking about him as an orator: his style
+was direct and straightforward.
+
+The Houses of Parliament at Ottawa are a splendid pile of
+buildings, and though they may owe a great deal to the wonderful
+site they occupy on a semicircular wooded bluff projecting into
+the river, I should consider them one of the most successful group
+of buildings erected anywhere during the nineteenth century. All
+the details might not bear close examination, but the general
+effect was admirable, especially that of the great circular
+library, with its conical roof. In addition to the Legislative
+Chambers proper, two flanking buildings in the same style housed
+various Administrative departments. Seen from Rideau Hall in dark
+silhouette against the sunset sky, the bold outline of the conical
+roof of the library and the three tall towers flanking it gave a
+sort of picturesque Nuremberg effect to the distant view of
+Ottawa, The Parliament buildings proper were destroyed by an
+incendiary during the war, but the library and wings escaped.
+
+Everything in the House of Commons was modelled accurately on
+Westminster. The Canadian Parliament being bi-lingual, French
+members addressed the Speaker as "Monsieur l'Orateur," and the
+Usher of the Black Rod of the Senate became "l'Huissier de la
+Verge Noire." To my mind there was something intensely comical in
+addressing a man who seldom opened his mouth except to cry,
+"Order, order," as "Monsieur l'Orateur." A Frenchman from the
+Province of Quebec seems always to be chosen as Canadian Speaker.
+In my time he was a M. Ouiment, the TWENTY-FIRST child of the same
+parents, so French Canadians are apparently not threatened with
+extinction. I heard in the House of Commons at Ottawa the most
+curious peroration I have ever listened to. It came from the late
+Nicholas Flood Davin, a member of Irish extraction who sat for a
+Far-Western constituency. The House was debating a dull Bill
+relating to the lumber industry, when Davin, who may possibly have
+been under the influence of temporary excitement, insisted on
+speaking. He made a long and absolutely irrelevant speech in a
+voice of thunder, and finished with these words, every one of
+which I remember: "There are some who declare that Canada's trade
+is declining; there are some who maintain that the rich glow of
+health which at present mantles o'er Canada's virgin cheek will
+soon be replaced by the pallid hues of the corpse. To such
+pusillanimous propagandists of a preposterous pessimism, I answer,
+Mr. Speaker with all confidence, never! never!" As a rhetorical
+effort this is striking, though there seems a lack of lucidity
+about it.
+
+In the Canadian House of Commons there are a number of little
+pages who run errands for members, and fetch them books and
+papers. These boys sit on the steps of the Speaker's chair, and
+when the House adjourns for dinner the pages hold a "Pages'
+Parliament." One boy, elected by the others as Speaker, puts on a
+gown and seats himself in the Speaker's chair; the "Prime
+Minister" and the members of the Government sit on the Government
+benches, the Leader of the Opposition with his supporters take
+their places opposite and the boys hold regular debates. Many of
+the members took great interest in the "Pages' Parliament," and
+coached the boys for their debates. I have seen Sir John Macdonald
+giving the fourteen-year-old "Premier" points for his speech that
+evening.
+
+All-night sittings were far rarer at Ottawa than with us, and
+constituted quite an event. Some of us went into the gallery at 5
+a.m. after a dance, to see the end of a long and stormy sitting.
+The House was very uproarious. Some member had brought in a
+cricket-ball, and they were throwing each other catches across the
+House. To the credit of Canadian M.P.'s, I must say that we never
+saw a single catch missed. When Sir John rose to close the debate,
+there were loud cries of, "You have talked enough, John A. Give us
+a song instead." "All right," cried Sir John, "I will give you
+'God save the Queen.'" And he forthwith started it in a lusty
+voice, all the members joining in. The introduction of a cricket-
+ball might brighten all-night sittings in our own Parliament,
+though somehow I cannot quite picture to myself Mr. Asquith
+throwing catches to Sir Frederick Banbury across the floor of the
+House of Commons.
+
+I was once in the gallery of the South African Parliament at
+Capetown, after the House had been sitting continuously for twenty
+hours. The Speaker had had a stool brought him to rest his legs
+on, and was fast asleep in his chair, with his wig all awry. Dutch
+farmer members from the Back-Veld were stretched out at full
+length on the benches in the lobbies, snoring loudly; in fact, the
+whole place was a sort of Parliamentary Pullman Sleeping-car.
+That splendid man, the late General Botha, told me that late hours
+in Parliament upset him terribly, as he had been used all his life
+to going early to bed. Though the exterior of the Capetown
+Parliament buildings is nothing very wonderful architecturally,
+the interior is very handsome, and quite surprisingly spacious.
+
+The Governor-General gave two evening skating and tobaggoning
+parties at Rideau Hall every winter. He termed these gatherings
+his "Arctic Cremornes," after the then recently defunct gardens in
+London, and the parties were wonderfully picturesque. In those
+days, though the fashion now has quite disappeared, all members of
+snow-shoe and tobogganing clubs, men and women alike, wore
+coloured blanket-suits consisting of knickerbockers and long
+coats, with bright-coloured stockings, sash, and knitted toque
+(invariably pronounced "tuke"). The club colours of course varied.
+Rideau Hall was white with purple stockings and "tuke," and red
+sash. Others were sky-blue, with scarlet stockings and "tuke," or
+crimson and black, or brown and green. A collection of three
+hundred people in blanket-suits gave the effect of a peripatetic
+rainbow against the white snow. For the "Arctic Cremorne" the
+rinks were all fringed with coloured fairy-lamps; the curling-rink
+and the tea-room above it were also outlined with innumerable
+coloured electric bulbs, and festoons of Japanese lanterns were
+stretched between the fir trees in all directions. At the top of
+the toboggan slides powerful arc-lamps blazed, and a stupendous
+bonfire roared on a little eminence. The effect was indescribably
+pretty, and it was pleasant to reflect how man had triumphed over
+Nature in being able to give an outdoor evening party in mid-
+winter with the thermometer below zero. The gleaming crystals of
+snow reflecting the coloured lamps; the Bengal lights staining the
+white expanse crimson and green, and silhouetting the outlines of
+the fir trees in dead black against the burnished steel of the
+sky; the crowd of guests in their many-coloured blanket-suits,
+made a singularly attractive picture, with a note of absolute
+novelty in it; and the crash of the military band, the merry whirr
+of the skates, and the roar of the descending toboggans had
+something extraordinarily exhilarating about them in the keen,
+pure air. The supper-room always struck me as being pleasingly
+unconventional. Supper was served in the long, covered curling-
+rink, where the temperature was the same as that of the open air
+outside, so there was a long table elaborately set out with
+silver-branched candlesticks and all the Governor-General's fine
+collection of plate, but the servants waited in heavy fur-coats
+and caps. Of course no flowers could be used in that temperature,
+so the silver vases held branches of spruce, hemlock, and other
+Canadian firs. The French cook had to be very careful as to what
+dishes he prepared, for anything with moisture in it would freeze
+at once; meringues, for instance, would be frozen into uneatable
+cricket-balls, and tea, coffee, and soup had to simmer perpetually
+over lamps. One so seldom has a ball-supper with North Pole
+surroundings. We had a serious toboggan accident one night owing
+to the stupidity of an old Senator, who insisted on standing in
+the middle of the track, and the Aides-de-Camps' room was
+converted into an operating theatre, and reeked with the fumes of
+chloroform. The young man had bad concussion, and was obliged to
+remain a week at Rideau Hall, whilst the poor girl was disfigured
+for life.
+
+Whilst on the subject of ball-suppers, there was a curious custom
+prevailing in Lisbon. Most Portuguese having very limited means,
+it was not usual to offer any refreshments whatever to guests at
+dances; but when it was done, it took the form of a "tooth-pick-
+supper" (souper aux curedents). Small pieces of chicken, tongue,
+or beef were piled on plates, each piece skewered with a wooden
+toothpick. The guests picked these off the plate by the toothpick,
+and nibbled the meat away from it, eating it with slices of bread.
+This obviated the use of plates, knives and forks, most Portuguese
+families having neither sufficient silver table-plate for an
+entertainment nor the means to hire any. There was another reason
+for this quaint custom. Some Portuguese are--how shall we put it?--
+inveterate souvenir-hunters. The Duke of Palmella, one of the
+few rich men in Portugal, gave a ball whilst I was in Lisbon at
+which the supper was served in the ordinary fashion, with plates,
+spoons, knives and forks. It was a matter of common knowledge in
+Lisbon that 50 per cent. of the ducal silver spoons and forks had
+left the house in the pockets of his Grace's guests, who doubtless
+wished to preserve a slight memento of so pleasant an evening.
+
+In a certain Balkan State which I will refrain from naming, the
+inhabitants are also confirmed souvenir-hunters. At a dinner-party
+at the British Legation in this nameless State, one of the
+Diplomatic ladies was wearing a very fine necklace of pearls and
+enamel. A native of the State admired this necklace immensely, and
+begged for permission to examine it closer. The Diplomat's wife
+very unwisely unfastened her pearl necklace, and it was passed
+around from hand to hand, amidst loud expressions of admiration at
+its beautiful workmanship. At the end of dinner the Diplomatic
+lady requested that her necklace might be returned to her, but it
+was not forthcoming; no one knew anything about it. The British
+Minister, who thought that he understood the people of the
+country, rose to the occasion. Getting up from his chair, he said
+with a smile, "We have just witnessed a very clever and very
+amusing piece of legerdemain. Now we are going to see another
+little piece of conjuring." The Minister walked quietly to both
+doors of the room, locked them, and put the keys in his pocket. He
+then placed a small silver bowl from the side-board in the centre
+of the dinner-table, and continued: "I am now going to switch off
+all the lights, and to count ten slowly. When I have reached ten,
+I shall turn on the lights again, and hey presto! Madame de--'s
+necklace will be found lying in that silver bowl!" The room became
+plunged in darkness, and the Minister counted slowly up to ten.
+The electric light blazed out again, there was no necklace, but
+the silver bowl had vanished!
+
+I have enjoyed the exceptional experience of having inspected many
+convents in Canada, even those of the most strictly cloistered
+Orders. By long-established custom, the Governor-General's wife
+has the right to inspect any convent in Canada on giving twenty-
+four hours' notice, and she may take with her any two persons she
+chooses, of either sex. My sister was fond of visiting convents,
+and she often took me with her as I could speak French. We have
+thus been in convents of Ursulines, Poor Clares, Grey Sisters, and
+in some of those of the more strictly cloistered Orders. The
+procedure was always the same. We were ushered into a beautifully
+clean, bare, whitewashed parloir, with a highly polished floor
+redolent of beeswax. There would be hard benches running round the
+parloir, raised on a platform, much after the fashion of raised
+benches in a billiard-room. In the centre would be a chair for the
+Reverend Mother. We then made polite conversation for a few
+minutes, after which coffee (usually compounded of scorched beans,
+with no relation whatever to "Coffea Arabica") was handed to us,
+and we went over the convent. It was extremely difficult for two
+Protestants to find any subject of conversation which could
+interest a Mother Superior who knew nothing of the world outside
+her convent walls, nor was it easy to find any common ground on
+which to meet her, all religious topics being necessarily
+excluded, I had noticed that the nuns made frequent allusions to a
+certain Marie Alacoque. Misled by the similarity of the sound in
+French, I, in my ignorance, thought that this referred to a method
+of cooking eggs. I learnt later that Marie Alacoque was a French
+nun who lived in the seventeenth century, and I discovered why her
+memory was so revered by her co-religionists. It was easy to get a
+book from the Ottawa Library and to read her up, and after that
+conversation became less difficult, for a few remarks about Marie
+Alacoque were always appreciated in conventual circles. The
+convents were invariably neat and clean, but I was perpetually
+struck by the wax-like pallor of the inmates. The elder nuns in
+the strictly cloistered Orders were as excited as children over
+this unexpected irruption into their convent of two strangers from
+the world outside, which they had left for so long. They struck me
+as most excellent, earnest women, and they delighted in exhibiting
+all their treasures, including the ecclesiastical vestments and
+their Church plate. They always made a point of showing us, as an
+object of great interest, the flat candlestick of bougie that the
+Cardinal-Archbishop had used when he had last celebrated
+Pontifical High Mass in their chapel. In one strictly cloistered
+convent there was a high wooden trellis across the chapel, so that
+though the nuns could see the priest at the altar through the
+trellis-work, he was unable to see them. In the Convent of the
+Grey Sisters at Ottawa we found an old English nun who, in spite
+of having spent thirty-five years in a French-Canadian convent,
+still retained the strong Cockney accent of her native London. She
+was a cheery old soul, and, with another old English nun, had
+charge of the wardrobe, which they insisted on showing me. I was
+gazing at piles of clothing neatly arranged on shelves, when the
+old Cockney nun clapped her hands. "We will dress you up as a
+Sister," she cried, and they promptly proceeded to do so. They put
+me on a habit (largest size) over my other clothes, chuckling with
+glee meanwhile, and I was duly draped in the guimpe, the piece of
+linen which covers a nun's head and shoulders and frames her face,
+called, I believe, in English a "wimple," and my toilet was
+complete except for my veil, when, by a piece of real bad luck,
+the Reverend Mother and my sister came into the room. We had no
+time to hide, so we were caught. Having no moustache, I flattered
+myself that I made rather a saintly-looking novice, and I hid my
+hands in the orthodox way in my sleeves, but the Mother Superior
+was evidently very much put out. The clothes that had come in
+contact with my heretical person were ordered to be placed on one
+side, I presume to be morally disinfected, and I can only trust
+that the two old nuns did not get into serious trouble over their
+little joke. I am sorry that my toilet was not completed; I should
+like to have felt that just for once in my life I had taken the
+veil, if for five minutes only.
+
+In the "eighties" the city of Montreal spent large sums over their
+Winter Carnival. It attracted crowds of strangers, principally
+from the United States, and it certainly stimulated the retail
+trade of the city. The Governor-General was in the habit of taking
+a house in Montreal for the Carnival, and my brother-in-law was
+lent the home of a hospitable sugar magnate. The dining-room of
+this house, in which its owner had allowed full play to his
+Oriental imagination and love of colour, was so singular that it
+merits a few words of description. The room was square, with a
+domed ceiling. It was panelled in polished satinwood to a height
+of about five feet. Above the panelling were placed twelve owls in
+carved and silvered wood, each one about two feet high, supporting
+gas-standards. Rose-coloured silk was stretched from the panelling
+up to the heavy frieze, consisting of "swags" of fruit and foliage
+modelled in high relief, and brilliantly coloured in their natural
+hues. The domed ceiling was painted sky-blue, covered with golden
+stars, gold and silver suns and moons, and the signs of the
+Zodiac. I may add that the effect of this curious apartment was
+not such as to warrant any one trying to reproduce it. The house
+also contained a white marble swimming bath; an unnecessary
+adjunct, I should have thought, to a dwelling built for winter
+occupation in Montreal.
+
+The Ice-Castle erected by the Municipality was really a joy to the
+eye. It was rather larger than, say, the Westminster Guildhall,
+and had a tower eighty feet high. It was an admirable reproduction
+of a Gothic castle, designed and built by a competent architect,
+with barbican, battlements, and machiocolaions all complete, the
+whole of gleaming, transparent ice-blocks, a genuine thing of
+beauty. One of the principal events of the Carnival was the
+storming of the Ice-Castle by the snow-shoe clubs of Montreal.
+Hundreds of snow-shoers, in their rainbow-hued blanket suits,
+advanced in line on the castle and fired thousands of Roman
+candles at their objective, which returned the fire with rockets
+innumerable, and an elaborate display of fireworks, burning
+continually Bengal lights of various colours within its
+translucent walls, and spouting gold and silver rain on its
+assailants. It really was a gorgeous feast of colour for the eye,
+a most entrancing spectacle, with all this polychrome glow seen
+against the dead-white field of snow which covered Dominion
+Square, in the crystal clearness of a Canadian winter night, with
+the thermometer down anywhere.
+
+Another annual feature of the Carnival was the great fancy-dress
+skating fete in the covered rink. The Victoria Rink at Montreal is
+a huge building, and was profusely decorated for the occasion with
+the usual flags, wreaths of artificial foliage, and coloured
+lamps. An American sculptor had modelled six colossal groups of
+statuary out of wet snow, and these were ranged down either side
+of the rink. As they froze, they took on the appearance and
+texture of white marble, and were very effective. Round a cluster
+of arc-lights in the roof there was a sort of revolving cage of
+different coloured panes of glass; these threw variegated beams of
+light over the brilliant kaleidoscopic crowd below. Previous
+Governors-General had, in opening the fete shuffled shamefacedly
+down the centre of the rink in overshoes and fur coats to the
+dais, but Lord and Lady Lansdowne, being both expert skaters,
+determined to do the thing in proper Carnival style, and arrived
+in fancy dress, he in black as a Duke of Brunswick, she as Mary
+Queen of Scots, attended by her two boys, then twelve and fourteen
+years old, as pages, resplendent in crimson tights and crimson
+velvet. The band struck up "God Save the Queen," and down the
+cleared space in the centre skimmed, hand-in-hand, the Duke of
+Brunswick and Mary Queen of Scots, with the two pages carrying her
+train, all four executing a "Dutch roll" in the most workman-like
+manner. It was really a very effective entrance, and was immensely
+appreciated by the crowd of skaters present. I represented a
+Shakespearean character, and had occasion to note what very
+inadequate protection is afforded by blue silk tights, with
+nothing under them, against the cold of a Canadian February. One
+of the Aides-de-Camp had arrayed himself in white silk as Romeo;
+being only just out from England, he was anything but firm on his
+skates. Some malicious young Montrealers of tender age, noticing
+this, deliberately bumped into him again and again, sending his
+conspicuous white figure spinning each time. Poor Romeo's
+experiences were no more fortunate on the rink than in the tragedy
+associated with his name; by the end of the evening, after his
+many tumbles, his draggled white silk dress suggested irresistibly
+the plumage of a soiled dove.
+
+A hill (locally known as "The Mountain") rises immediately behind
+Montreal, the original Mont Real, or Mount Royal, from which the
+city derives its name. This naturally lends itself to the
+formation of toboggan slides, and one of them, the "Montreal Club
+Slide," was really terrifically steep. The start was precipitous
+enough, in all conscience, but soon came a steep drop of sixty
+feet, at which point all the working parts of one's anatomy seemed
+to leave one, to replace themselves at the finish only. The pace
+was so tremendous that it was difficult to breathe, but it was
+immensely exciting. The Montreal slide was just one-third of a
+mile long, and the time occupied in the descent on good ice was
+about twenty seconds, working out at sixty miles an hour. Every
+precaution was taken against accidents; there was a telephone from
+the far end, and no toboggan was allowed to start until "track
+clear" had been signalled. Everything in this world is relative.
+We had thought our Ottawa slides very fast, though the greatest
+speed we ever attained was about thirty miles an hour, whilst at
+home we had been delighted if we could coax fifteen miles an hour
+out of our rough machines. The Lansdowne boys were very expert on
+toboggans, and could go down the Ottawa slides standing erect, a
+thing no adult could possibly manage. They had fitted their
+machines with gong-bells and red and green lanterns, and the
+"Ottawa River Express" would come whizzing down at night with
+bells clanging and lights gleaming.
+
+I can claim to be the absolute pioneer of ski on the American
+continent, for in January, 1887, I brought my Russian ski to
+Ottawa, the very first pair that had ever been seen in the New
+World. I coasted down hills on them amidst universal jeers; every
+one declared that they were quite unsuited to Canadian conditions.
+The old-fashioned raquettes had their advantages, for one could
+walk over the softest snow in them. Here, again, I fancy that it
+was the sense of man triumphant over Nature that made snow-shoeing
+so attractive. The Canadian snow-shoe brings certain unaccustomed
+muscles into play, and these muscles show their resentment by
+aching furiously. The French habitants term this pain mal de
+raquettes. In my time snow-shoe tramps at night, across-country
+into the woods, were one of the standard winter amusements of
+Ottawa, and the girls showed great dexterity in vaulting fences
+with their snow-shoes on.
+
+A Canadian winter is bathed in sunshine. In the dry, crisp
+atmosphere distant objects are as clear-cut and hard as though
+they were carved out of wood; the air is like wine, and with every
+breath human beings seem to enter on a new lease of life.
+
+It is not so in the lower world. There is not a bird to be seen,
+for no bird could secure a living with three feet of snow on the
+ground. Nature is very dead, and I understood the glee with which
+the children used to announce the return of the crows, for these
+wise birds are the unfailing harbingers of Spring. With us Spring
+is undecided, fickle, and coy. She is not sure of herself, and
+after making timid, tentative advances, retreats again, uncertain
+as to her ability to cope with grim Winter. In Canada, Spring
+comes with an all-conquering rush. In one short fortnight she
+clothes the trees in green, and carpets the ground with blue and
+white hepaticas. She is also, unfortunately, accompanied by
+myriads of self-appointed official maids-of-honour in the shape of
+mosquitoes, anxious to make up for their long winter fast. As the
+fierce suns of April melt the surface snow, the water percolates
+through to the ground, where it freezes again, forming a sheet of
+what Canadians term "glare-ice." I have seen at Rideau Hall this
+ice split in all directions over the flower-beds by the first
+tender shoots of the crocuses. How these fragile little spears of
+green have the power to penetrate an inch of ice is one of the
+mysteries of Nature.
+
+Would space admit of it, and were paper not such an unreasonably
+expensive commodity just now, I would like to speak of the glories
+of a Canadian wood in May, with the ground flecked with red and
+white trilliums; of the fields in British Columbia, gorgeous in
+spring-time with blue lilies and drifts of rose-coloured
+cyclamens; of the autumn woods in their sumptuous dress of
+scarlet, crimson, orange, and yellow, the sugar-maples blazing
+like torches against the dark firs; of the marvels of the three
+ranges of the Rockies, Selkirks, and Cascades, and of the other
+wonders of the great Dominion.
+
+As boys, I and my youngest brother knew "Hiawatha's Fishing"
+almost by heart, so I had an intense desire to see "Gitche Gumee,
+the Big-Sea Water," which we more prosaically call Lake Superior,
+the home of the sturgeon "Nahma," of "Ugudwash" the sun-fish, of
+the pike the "Maskenozha," and the actual scene of Hiawatha's
+fishing. To others, without this sentimental interest, the Great
+Lakes might appear vast but uninteresting expanses of water,
+chiefly remarkable for the hideous form of vessel which has been
+evolved to navigate their clear depths.
+
+One thing I can say with confidence. No one who makes a winter
+journey to that land of sunshine and snow, with its energetic,
+pleasant, and hospitable inhabitants, will ever regret it, and the
+wayfarer will return home with the consciousness of having been in
+contact with an intensely virile race, only now beginning to
+realise its own strength.
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+
+Calcutta--Hooghly pilots--Government House--A Durbar--The sulky
+Rajah--The customary formalities--An ingenious interpreter--The
+sailing clippers in the Hooghly-Calcutta Cathedral--A succulent
+banquet--The mistaken Ministre--The "Gordons"--Barrackpore--A
+Swiss Family Robinson aerial house--The child and the elephants--
+The merry midshipmen--Some of their escapades--A huge haul of
+fishes--Queen Victoria and Hindustani--The Hills--The Manipur
+outbreak--A riding tour--A wise old Anglo-Indian--Incidents--The
+fidelity of native servants--A novel printing-press--Lucknow--The
+loss of an illusion.
+
+ Lord Lansdowne had in 1888 been transferred from Canada to India,
+and in May of that year he left Ottawa for Calcutta, taking on the
+way a three months' well-earned holiday in England. Two of his
+staff accompanied him from the vigorous young West to the
+immemorially old East.
+
+He succeeded as Viceroy Lord Dufferin, who had also held the
+appointment of Governor-General of Canada up to 1878, after which
+he had served as British Ambassador both at Petrograd and at
+Constantinople, before proceeding to India in 1884.
+
+Lord Minto, too, in later years filled both positions, serving in
+Canada from 1898 to 1904, and in India from 1905 to 1910.
+
+Whether in 1690 Job Charnock made a wise selection in fixing his
+trading-station where Calcutta now stands, may be open to doubt.
+He certainly had the broad Hooghly at his doors, affording plenty
+of water not only for trading-vessels, but also for men-of-war in
+cases of emergency. Still, from the swampy nature of the soil, and
+its proximity to the great marshes of the Sunderbunds, Calcutta
+could never be a really healthy place. An arrival by water up the
+Hooghly unquestionably gives the most favourable impression of the
+Indian ex-capital, though the river banks are flat and
+uninteresting. The Hooghly is one of the most difficult rivers in
+the world to navigate, for the shoals and sand-banks change almost
+daily with the strong tides, and the white Hooghly pilots are men
+at the very top of their profession, and earn some L2000 a year
+apiece. They are tremendous swells, and are perfectly conscious of
+the fact, coming on board with their native servants and their
+white "cub" or pupil. There is one shoal in particular, known as
+the "James and Mary," on which a ship, touching ever so lightly,
+is as good as lost. Calcutta, since I first knew it, has become a
+great manufacturing centre. Lines of factories stand for over
+twenty miles thick on the left bank of the river; the great pall
+of black smoke hanging over the city is visible for miles, and the
+atmosphere is beginning to rival that of Manchester. Long use has
+accustomed us to the smoke-blackened elms and limes of London, but
+there is something peculiarly pathetic in the sight of a grimy,
+sooty palm tree.
+
+The outward aspect of the stately Government House at Calcutta is
+familiar to most people. It is a huge and imposing edifice, but
+when I first knew it, its interior was very plain, and rather
+bare. Lady Minto changed all this during her husband's Vice-
+royalty, and, with her wonderful taste, transformed it into a sort
+of Italian palace at a very small cost. She bought in Europe a few
+fine specimens of old Italian gilt furniture, and had them copied
+in Calcutta by native workmen. In the East, the Oriental point of
+view must be studied, and Easterns attach immense importance to
+external splendour. The throne-room at Calcutta, under Lady
+Minto's skilful treatment, became gorgeous enough for the most
+exacting Asiatic, with its black marble floor, its rose-coloured
+silk walls where great silver sconces alternated with full-length
+portraits of British sovereigns, its white "chunam" columns and
+its gilt Italian furniture. "Chunam" has been used in India from
+time immemorial for decorative purposes. It is as white as snow
+and harder than any stone, and is, I believe, made from calcined
+shells. Let us suppose a Durbar held in this renovated throne-room
+for the official reception of a native Indian Prince. The
+particular occasion I have in mind was long after Lord Lansdowne's
+time, when a certain Rajah, notoriously ill-disposed towards the
+British Raj, had been given the strongest of hints that unless he
+mended his ways, he might find another ruler placed on the throne
+of his State. He was also recommended to come to Calcutta and to
+pay his respects to the Viceroy there, when, of course, he would
+be received with the number of guns to which he was entitled. The
+Indian Princes attach the utmost importance to the number of guns
+they are given as a salute, a number which varies from twenty-one
+in the case of the Nizam of Hyderabad, who alone ranks as a
+Sovereign, to nine for the smaller princes. Should the British
+Government wish to mark its strong displeasure with any native
+ruler, it sometimes does so by reducing the number of guns of his
+salute, and correspondingly, to have the number increased is a
+high honour. Sulkily and unwillingly the Rajah of whom I am
+thinking journeyed to Calcutta, and sulkily and unwillingly did he
+attend the Durbar. On occasions such as these, visiting native
+Princes are the guests of the Government of India at Hastings
+House (Warren Hastings' old country house in the suburbs of
+Calcutta, specially renovated and fitted up for the purpose), and
+the Viceroy's state carriages are sent to convey them to
+Government House. Everything in the way of ceremonial in India is
+done strictly by rule. The precise number of steps the Viceroy
+will advance to greet visiting Rajahs is all laid down in a little
+book. The Nizam of Hyderabad is met by the Viceroy with all his
+staff at the state entrance of Government House, and he is
+accompanied through all the rooms, both on his arrival and on his
+departure; but, as I said before, the Nizam ranks as a Sovereign.
+In the case of lesser lights the Viceroy advances anything from
+three to twenty steps. These points may appear very trivial to
+Europeans, but to Orientals they assume great importance, and,
+after all, India is a part of Asia. At right angles to the
+Calcutta throne-room is the fine Marble Hall, with marble floor
+and columns and an entirely gilt ceiling; empty except for six
+colossal busts of Roman Emperors, which, together with a number of
+splendid cut-glass chandeliers of the best French Louis XV.
+period, and a full-length portrait of Louis XV. himself, fell into
+our hands through the fortunes of war at a time when our relations
+with our present film ally, France, were possibly less cordial
+than at present. For a Durbar a long line of red carpet was laid
+from the throne-room, through the Marble Hall and the White Hall
+beyond it, right down the great flight of exterior steps, at the
+foot of which a white Guard of Honour of one hundred men from a
+British regiment was drawn up, Aligned through the outer hall, the
+Marble Hall and the throne-room were one hundred men of the
+Viceroy's Bodyguard, splendid fellows chosen for their height and
+appearance, and all from Northern India. They wore the white
+leather breeches and jack-boots of our own Life Guards, with
+scarlet tunics and huge turbans of blue and gold, standing with
+their lances as motionless as so many bronze statues. For a
+Durbar, many precious things were unearthed from the "Tosha-
+Khana," or Treasury: the Viceroy's silver-gilt throne; an arm-
+chair of solid silver for the visiting Rajah; great silver-gilt
+maces bearing & crown and "V.R.I."; and, above all, the beautiful
+Durbar carpets of woven gold wire. The making of these carpets is,
+I believe, an hereditary trade in a Benares family; they are woven
+of real gold wire, heavily embroidered in gold afterwards, and are
+immensely expensive. The visiting Rajah announces beforehand the
+number of the suite he is bringing with him, and the Viceroy has a
+precisely similar number, so two corresponding rows of cane arm-
+chairs are placed opposite each other, at right angles to the
+throne. Behind the chairs twelve resplendent red-and-gold-coated
+servants with blue-and-silver turbans, hold the gilt maces aloft,
+whilst behind the throne eight more gorgeously apparelled natives
+hold two long-handled fans of peacock's feathers, two silver-
+mounted yak's tails, and two massive sheaves of peacock's
+feathers, all these being the Eastern emblems of sovereignty.
+
+We will suppose this particular Rajah to be a "nine-gun" and a
+"three-step" man. Bang go the cannon from Fort William nine times,
+and the Viceroy, in full uniform with decorations, duly advances
+three steps on the gold carpet to greet his visitor. The Viceroy
+seats himself on his silver-gilt throne at the top of the three
+steps, the visiting Rajah in his silver chair being one step
+lower. The two suites seat themselves facing each other in dead
+silence; the Europeans assuming an absolutely Oriental impassivity
+of countenance. The ill-conditioned Rajah, though he spoke English
+perfectly, had insisted on bringing his own interpreter with him.
+A long pause in conformity with Oriental etiquette follows, then
+the Viceroy puts the first invariable question: "I trust that your
+Highness is in the enjoyment of good health?" which is duly
+repeated in Urdu by the official white interpreter. The sulky
+Rajah grunts something that sounds like "Bhirrr Whirrr," which the
+native interpreter renders, in clipped staccato English, as "His
+Highness declares that by your Excellency's favour his health is
+excellent. Lately, owing to attack of fever, it was with His
+Highness what Immortal Bard has termed a case of 'to be or not to
+be!' Now, danger happily averted, His Highness has seldom reposed
+under the canopy of a sounder brain than at present." Another long
+pause, and the second invariable question: "I trust that your
+Highness' Army is in its usual efficient state?" The surly Rajah,
+"Khirr Virr." The native interpreter, "Without doubt His Highness'
+Army has never yet been so efficient. Should troubles arise, or a
+pretty kettle of fish unfortunately occur, His Highness places his
+entire Army at your Excellency's disposal; as Swan of Avon says,
+'Come the three corners of the world in arms, and we shall shock
+them.'" A third question, "I trust that the crops in your
+Highness' dominion are satisfactory?" The Rajah, "Ghirrr Firrr."
+The interpreter, "Stimulated without doubt by your Excellency's
+auspicious visit to neighbouring State, the soil in His Highness'
+dominions has determined to beat record and to go regular mucker.
+Crops tenfold ordinary capacity are springing from the ground
+everywhere." One has seen a conjurer produce half a roomful of
+paper flowers from a hat, or even from an even less promising
+receptacle, but no conjurer was in it with that interpreter, who
+from two sulky monosyllabic grunts evolved a perfect garland of
+choice Oriental flowers of speech. It reminded me of the process
+known in newspaper offices as "expanding" a telegram. When the
+customary number of formal questions have been put, the Viceroy
+makes a sign to his Military Secretary, who brings him a gold tray
+on which stand a little gold flask and a small box; the
+traditional "Attar and pan." The Viceroy sprinkles a few drops of
+attar of roses on the Rajah's clothing from the gold flask, and
+hands him a piece of betel-nut wrapped in gold paper, known as
+"pan." This is the courteous Eastern fashion of saying "Now I bid
+you good-bye." The Military Secretary performs a like office to
+the members of the Rajah's suite, who, however, have to content
+themselves with attar sprinkled from a silver bottle and "pans"
+wrapped in silver paper. Then all the traditional requirements of
+Oriental politeness have been fulfilled, and the Rajah takes his
+leave with the same ceremonies as attended his arrival. At the
+beginning of a Durbar "tribute" is presented--that is to say that
+a folded napkin supposed to contain one thousand gold mohurs is
+handed to the Viceroy, who "touches it and remits it." I have
+often wondered what that folded napkin really contained.
+
+When I first knew Calcutta, most of the grain, jute, hemp and
+indigo exported was carried to its various destinations in
+sailing-ships, and there were rows and rows of splendid full-
+rigged ships and barques lying moored in the Hooghly along the
+whole length of the Maidan. The line must have extended for two
+miles, and I never tired of looking at these beautiful vessels
+with their graceful lines and huge spars, all clean and spick and
+span with green and white paint, the ubiquitous Calcutta crows
+perched in serried ranks on their yards. To my mind a full-rigged
+ship is the most beautiful object man has ever devised, and when
+the dusk was falling, with every spar and rope outlined in black
+against the vivid crimson of the short-lived Indian sunset, the
+long line of shipping made a glorious picture. Nineteen years
+later every sailing-ship had disappeared from the Hooghly, and in
+their place were rows of unsightly, rusty-sided iron tanks, with
+squat polemasts and ugly funnels vomiting black smoke. A tramp-
+steamer has its uses, no doubt, but it is hardly a thing of
+beauty. Ichabod! Ichabod!
+
+Calcutta is fortunate in having so fine a lung as the great
+stretch of the Maidan. It has been admirably planted and laid out,
+with every palm of tree of aggressively Indian appearance
+carefully excluded from its green expanse, so it wears a curiously
+home-like appearance. The Maidan is very reminiscent of Hyde Park,
+though almost double its size. There is one spot, where the Gothic
+spire of the cathedral emerges from a mass of greenery, with a
+large sheet of water in the foreground, which recalls exactly the
+view over Bayswater from the bridge spanning the Serpentine.
+
+Considering that Calcutta Cathedral was built in 1840; that it was
+designed by an Engineer officer, and not by an architect; that its
+"Gothic" is composed of cast-iron and stucco instead of stone, it
+is really not such a bad building. The great size of its interior
+gives it a certain dignity, and owing to the generosity of the
+European community, it is most lavishly adorned with marbles,
+mosaics, and stained glass. It possesses the finest organ in Asia,
+and a really excellent choir, the men Europeans, the boys being
+Eurasians. These small half-castes have very sweet voices, with a
+curious and not unpleasing metallic timbre about them. At evening
+service in the cathedral, should one ignore such details as the
+rows of electric punkahs, the temperature, and the dingy
+complexions of the choir-boys, it was almost impossible to realise
+that one was not in England. I had been used to singing in a
+church choir, and it was pleasant to hear such familiar cathedral
+services as Garrett in D, Smart in F, Walmisley in D minor, and
+Hopkins in F, so perfectly rendered seven thousand miles away from
+home, thanks to that excellent musician, Dr. Slater, the cathedral
+organist.
+
+St. Andrew's Scottish Presbyterian Church stands in its own wooded
+grounds in which there are two large ponds, or, as Anglo-Indians
+would put it, it stands in a compound with large tanks. The church
+is consequently infested with mosquitoes. The last time that I was
+in Calcutta, the Gordon Highlanders had just relieved an English
+regiment in the fort, and on the first Sunday after their arrival,
+four hundred Gordons were marched to a parade service at St.
+Andrew's. The most optimistic mosquito had never in his wildest
+dreams imagined such a succulent banquet as that afforded by four
+hundred bare-kneed, kilted Highlanders, and the mosquitoes made
+the fullest use of their unique opportunity. Soon the church
+resounded with the vigorous slapping of hands on bare knees and
+thighs, as the men endeavoured to kill a few of their little
+tormentors. The minister, hearing the loud clapping, but entirely
+misapprehending its purport, paused in his sermon, and said, "My
+brethren, it is varra gratifying to a minister of the Word to
+learn that his remarks meet with the approbation of his hearers,
+but I'd have you remember that all applause is strictly oot of
+place in the Hoose of God."
+
+The Gordon Highlanders were originally raised by my great-
+grandfather, the fourth Duke of Gordon, in 1794, or perhaps more
+accurately, by my great-grandmother, Jean, the beautiful Duchess
+of Gordon. Duchess Jean, then in the height of her beauty,
+attended every market in the towns round Gordon Castle, and kissed
+every recruit who took the guinea she offered. The French Republic
+had declared war on Great Britain in 1793, and the Government had
+made an urgent appeal for fresh levies of troops. Duchess Jean, by
+her novel osculatory methods, raised the Gordons in four months.
+My father and mother were married at Gordon Castle in 1832, and
+the wedding guests grew so excessively convivial that they carried
+everything on the tables at the wedding breakfast, silver plate,
+glass, china, and all, down to the bridge at Fochabers, and threw
+them into the Spey. We may congratulate ourselves on the fact that
+it is no longer incumbent on wedding guests to drink the health of
+the newly married couple so fervently, and that a proportional
+saving in table fittings can thus be effected.
+
+Barrackpore, the Viceroy's country place, is unquestionably a
+pleasant spot, with its fine park and famous gardens. Like the
+Maidan in Calcutta Barrackpore is a very fairly successful attempt
+at reproducing England in Asia. With a little make-believe and a
+determined attempt to ignore the grotesque outlines of a Hindoo
+temple standing on the confines of the park, and the large humps
+on the backs of the grazing cattle like the steam domes on railway
+engines, it might be possible to imagine oneself at home, until
+the illusion is shattered in quite another fashion. There is an
+excellent eighteen-hole golf course in Barrackpore park, but when
+you hear people talking of the second "brown" there can be no
+doubt but that you are in Asia. A "green" would be a palpable
+misnomer for the parched grass of an Indian dry season, still a
+"brown" comes as a shock at first. The gardens merit their
+reputation. There are innumerable ponds, or "tanks," of lotus and
+water-lilies of every hue: scarlet, crimson, white, and pure sky-
+blue, the latter an importation from Australia. When these are in
+flower they are a lovely sight, and perhaps compensate for the
+myriads of mosquitoes who find in these ponds an ideal breeding-
+place, and assert their presence day and night most successfully.
+There are great drifts of Eucharis lilies growing under the
+protecting shadows of the trees along shady walks, and the blaze
+of colour in the formal garden surrounding the white marble
+fountain in front of the house is positively dazzling. The house
+was built especially as a hot-weather residence, and as such is
+not particularly successful, for it is one of the hottest
+buildings in the whole of India. The dining-room is in the centre
+of the house, and has no windows whatever; an arrangement which,
+though it may shut out the sun, also excludes all fresh air as
+well. The bedrooms extend up through two storeys, and are so
+extremely lofty that one has the sensation of sleeping in a lift-
+shaft. Apart from its heat, the house has a dignified old-world
+air about it, with vague hints of Adam decoration in its details.
+
+The establishment of Government House consisted of five hundred
+and twenty servants, all natives, so it could not be termed short-
+handed. With so many men, the apparently impossible could be
+undertaken. Lord Lansdowne left Calcutta for Barrackpore every
+Saturday afternoon. As soon as we had gone into luncheon at
+Calcutta on the Saturday, perfect armies of men descended on the
+private part of the house and packed up all the little things
+about the rooms into big cases. An hour later they were on their
+way up the river by steamer, and when we arrived at Barrackpore
+for tea, the house looked as though it had been lived in for
+weeks, with every object reposing on the tables in precisely the
+same position it had occupied earlier in the day in Calcutta. Late
+on Sunday night this process was reversed for the return journey
+at seven on Monday morning. The Viceroy had a completely fitted-up
+office in his smart little white-and-gold yacht, and was able to
+get through a great deal of work on his voyage down the Hooghly
+before breakfast on Monday mornings. A conscientious Viceroy of
+India is one of the hardest-worked men in the world, for he
+frequently has ten hours of office work in the day, irrespective
+of his other duties.
+
+An enormous banyan tree stands on the lawn at Barrackpore. I
+should be afraid to say how much ground it covers; perhaps nearly
+an acre, for these trees throw down aerial suckers which form into
+fresh trunks, and so spread indefinitely. Lady Lansdowne thought
+she would have a bamboo house built in this great banyan tree for
+her little daughter, the same little girl for whom I had built the
+snow-hut at Ottawa, for she happens to be my god-daughter. It was
+to be a sort of "Swiss Family Robinson" tree-house, infinitely
+superior to the house on the tree-tops of Kensington Gardens,
+which Wendy destined for Peter Pan. The house was duly built, with
+bamboo staircases, and little fenced-off bamboo platforms fitted
+with seats and tables, at different levels up the tree. The Swiss
+Family Robinson would have gone mad with jealousy at seeing such a
+desirable aerial abode, so immeasurably preferable to their own,
+and even Wendy might have felt a mild pang of envy. When the house
+was completed, one of the Aides-de-Camp inspected it and found a
+snake hanging by its tail from a branch right over one of the
+little aerial platforms. He reported that the tree was full of
+snakes. The risk was too great to run, so prompt orders were given
+to demolish the house, and the little girl never enjoyed her tree-
+top playground.
+
+The Viceroy's State elephants were all kept at Barrackpore, and
+the elephant-lines had a great attraction for children, especially
+for a small great-nephew of mine, now a Lieut.-Colonel, and the
+father of a family, then aged six. The child was very fearless,
+but the only elephant he was allowed to approach was a venerable
+tusker named "Warren Hastings," the very identical elephant on
+which Warren Hastings made his first entry into Calcutta. "Warren"
+was supposed to be nearly 200 years old, and his temper could be
+absolutely relied on. It is curious that natives, in speaking of a
+quiet, good-tempered animal, always speak of him as "poor"
+(gharib). The little boy was perpetually feeding Warren Hastings
+with oranges and bananas, and the two became great friends. It was
+a pretty sight seeing the fearless small boy in his white suit,
+bare legs, and little sun-helmet, standing in front of the great
+beast who could have crushed him to a wafer in one second, and
+ordering him in the vernacular, with his shrill child's voice, to
+kneel. It was a more curious sight seeing the huge animal at once
+obey his little mentor, and, struggling with the infirmities and
+rheumatic joints of old age (to which, alas! others besides
+elephants are subject), lower himself painfully on to his knees.
+"Salaam karo" ("Salute me"), piped the white child, and the great
+pachyderm instantly obeyed, lifting his trunk high in salute;
+which, if you think it out, may have a certain symbolism about it.
+
+It was the same small boy who on returning to England at the age
+of seven, after five years in India, looked out of the windows of
+the carriage with immense interest, as they drove through London
+from Charing Cross station. "Mother," he piped at length, "this is
+a very odd country! All the natives seem to be white here."
+
+My little great-nephew was immensely petted by the native
+servants, and as he could speak the vernacular with greater ease
+than English, he picked up from the servants the most appalling
+language, which he innocently repeated, entailing his frequent
+chastisement.
+
+I can sympathise with the child there, for at the age of nine, in
+Dublin, I became seized with an intense but short-lived desire to
+enlist as a trumpeter in a Lancer regiment. Seeing one day a real
+live, if diminutive, Lancer trumpeter listening to the band
+playing in the Castle yard, I ran down and consulted him as to the
+best means of attaining my desire. The small trumpeter was not
+particularly intelligent, and was unable to help me. Though of
+tender years, he was regrettably lacking in refinement, for his
+conversation consisted chiefly of an endless repetition of three
+or four words, not one of which I had ever heard before. Carefully
+treasuring these up, as having a fine martial smack about them
+suitable to the military career I then proposed embracing, I, in
+all innocence, fired off one of the trumpeter's full-flavoured
+expressions at my horror-stricken family during luncheon, to be
+at once ordered out of the room, and severely punished afterwards.
+We all know that "what the soldier said" is not legal evidence; in
+this painful fashion I also learnt that "what the trumpeter said"
+is not held to be a valid excuse for the use of bad language by a
+small boy.
+
+In the late autumn of 1890 Admiral Sir Edmund Fremantle brought
+his flagship, the Boadicea, right up the Hooghly, and moored her
+alongside the Maidan. The ship remained there for six weeks, the
+Admiral taking up his quarters at Government House. My sister Lady
+Lansdowne had a mistaken weakness for midshipmen, whom she most
+inappropriately termed "those dear little fellows." At that time
+midshipmen went to sea at fifteen years of age, so they were much
+younger than at present. As these boys were constantly at
+Government House, four of us thought that we would lend the
+midshipmen our ponies for an early morning ride. The boys all
+started off at a gallop, and every one of them was bolted with as
+soon as he reached the Maidan. As they had no riding-breeches,
+their trousers soon rucked up, exhibiting ample expanses of bare
+legs; they had no notion of riding, but managed to stick on
+somehow by clinging to pommel and mane, banging here into a sedate
+Judge of the High Court, with an apologetic "Sorry, sir, but this
+swine of a pony won't steer;" barging there into a pompous Anglo-
+Indian official, as they yelled to their ponies, "Easy now, dogs-
+body, or you'll unship us both;" galloping as hard as their ponies
+could lay legs to the ground, cannoning into half the white
+inhabitants of Calcutta, but always with imperturbable good-
+humour. When their panting ponies tried to pull up to recover
+their wind a little, these rising hopes of the British Navy kicked
+them with their heels into a gallop again, shouting strange
+nautical oaths, and grinning from ear to ear with delight, until
+finally four ponies lathered in sweat, in the last stages of
+exhaustion, returned to Government House, and four dripping boys
+alighted, declaring that they had had the time of their lives in
+spite of a considerable loss of cuticle. It was the same at the
+dances at Government House. The smart young subalterns simply
+weren't in it; the midshipmen got all the best partners, and, to
+do them justice, they could dance very well. They started with the
+music and whirled their partners round the room at the top of
+their speed, in the furnace temperature of Calcutta, without
+drawing rein for one second until the band stopped, when a
+dishevelled and utterly exhausted damsel collapsed limply into a
+chair, whilst a deliquescent brass-buttoned youth, with a sodden
+wisp of white linen and black silk round his neck to indicate the
+spot where he had once possessed a collar and tie, endeavoured to
+fan his partner into some semblance of coolness again.
+
+Lady Lansdowne having invited eight midshipmen to spend a Sunday
+at Barrackpore, they arrived there by launch with a drag net,
+which the Viceroy had given them leave to use on the largest of
+the ponds. My sister at once set them down to play lawn-tennis,
+hoping to work off some of their superfluous energy in this way.
+In honour of the occasion, the midshipmen had extracted their best
+white flannels from their chests, and they proceeded to array
+themselves in these. The Boadicea, however, had been two years in
+commission, the flannels were two years old, and the lads were
+just at the age when they were growing most rapidly. They squeezed
+themselves with great difficulty into their shrunken garments,
+which looked more like tights than trousers, every button and seam
+obviously strained to the bursting point, and set to work playing
+tennis with their accustomed vigour. Soon there was a sound of
+rending cloth, and the senior midshipman, a portly youth of
+Teutonic amplitude of outline, lay down flat on his back on the
+lawn. A minute later there was a similar sound, and another boy
+lay down on his back and remained there, and a third lad quickly
+followed their example. A charming lady had noticed this from the
+verandah above, and ran down in some alarm, fearing that these
+young Nelsons had got sunstrokes. Somewhat confusedly they assured
+her that they were quite well, but might they, please, have three
+rugs brought them. Otherwise it was impossible for them to move.
+With some difficulty three rugs were procured, and, enveloped in
+them, they waddled off to their bungalow to assume more decent
+apparel. A few minutes later there were two more similar
+catastrophes (these garments all seemed to split in precisely the
+same spot), and the supply of rugs being exhausted, these boys had
+to retreat to their bungalow walking backwards like chamberlains
+at a Court function. After luncheon, in the burning heat of
+Bengal, most sensible people keep quiet in the shade, but the
+midshipmen went off to inspect the great tank, and to decide how
+they should drag it.
+
+Soon we heard loud shoutings from the direction of the tank, and
+saw a long string of native servants carrying brown chatties of
+hot water towards the pond. We found that the courteous House-
+Baboo had informed the midshipmen that the holes in the banks of
+the tank were the winter rest-places of cobras. It then occurred
+to the boys that it would be capital fun to pour hot water down
+the holes, and to kill the cobras with sticks as they emerged from
+them. It was a horribly dangerous amusement, for, one bad shot,
+and the Royal Navy would unquestionably have had to mourn the loss
+of a promising midshipman in two hours' time. When we arrived the
+snake-killing was over, and the boys were all refreshing
+themselves with large cheroots purloined from the dining-room on
+their behalf by a friendly kitmutgar. The dragging of the tank was
+really a wonderful sight. As the net reached the far end it was
+one solid mass of great shining, blue-grey fish, of about thirty
+pounds weight each. The most imaginative artist in depicting the
+"Miraculous Draught of Fishes" never approached the reality of
+Barrackpore, or pictured such vast quantities of writhing, silvery
+finny creatures. They were a fish called cattla by the natives, a
+species of carp, with a few eels and smaller fish of a bright red
+colour thrown in amongst them. I could never have believed that
+one pond could have held such incredible quantities of fish. The
+Viceroy, an intrepid pioneer in gastronomic matters, had a great
+cattla boiled for his dinner. The first mouthful defeated him; he
+declared that the consistency of the fish was that of an old
+flannel shirt, and the taste a compound of mud and of the smell of
+a covered racquet-court. A lady insisted on presenting the
+midshipmen with two dozen bottles of a very good champagne for the
+Gun-room Mess. In the innocence of her heart she thought that the
+champagne would last them for a year, but on New Year's Eve the
+little lambs had a great celebration on board, and drank the whole
+two dozen at one sitting. As there were exactly eighteen of them,
+this made a fair allowance apiece; they all got exceedingly drunk,
+and the Admiral stopped their leave for two months, so we saw no
+more of them. They were quite good boys really though, like all
+their kind, rather over-full of high spirits.
+
+As is well known, Queen Victoria celebrated her seventieth
+birthday by commencing the study of Hindustani under the tuition
+of a skilled Moonshee. At the farewell audience the Queen gave my
+sister, Her Majesty, on learning that Lady Lansdowne intended to
+begin learning Hindustani as soon as she reached India, proposed
+that they should correspond occasionally in Urdu, to test the
+relative progress they were making. Every six months or so a
+letter from the Queen, beautifully written in Persian characters,
+reached Calcutta, to which my sister duly replied. In strict
+confidence, I may say that I strongly suspect that Lady
+Lansdowne's letters were written by her Moonshee, and that she
+merely copied the Persian characters, which she could do very
+neatly. The Arabic alphabet is used in writing Persian, with three
+or four extra letters added to express sounds which do not exist
+in Arabic; it is, of course, written from right to left. I had an
+hour and a half's daily lesson in Urdu from an efficient, if
+immensely pompous, Moonshee, but I never attempted to learn to
+read or write the Persian characters.
+
+I do not think that any one who has not traversed the plains of
+Northern Indian can have any idea of their deadly monotony. Hour
+after hour of level, sun-baked wheat-fields, interspersed with
+arid tracts of desert, hardly conforms to the traditional idea of
+Indian scenery, nor when once Bengal is left behind is there any
+of that luxuriant vegetation which one instinctively associates
+with hot countries. In bars in the United States, any one wishing
+for whisky and water was (I advisedly use the past tense)
+accustomed to drain a small tumbler of neat whisky, and then to
+swallow a glass of water. In India everything is arranged on this
+principle; the whisky and the water are kept quite separate. The
+dead-flat expanse of the Northern plains is unbroken by the most
+insignificant of mounds; on the other hand, in the hills it is
+almost impossible to find ten yards of level ground. In the same
+way during the dry season you know with absolute certainty that
+there will be no rain; whilst during the rains you can predict,
+without the faintest shadow of doubt, that the downpour will
+continue day by day. Personally, I prefer whisky and water mixed.
+
+In 1891 the Viceroy had selected the Kumaon district for his usual
+official spring tour, and all arrangements had been made for this.
+As my sister was feeling the heat of Calcutta a great deal, she
+and I preceded the Viceroy to Naini Tal in the Kumaon district, as
+it stands at an altitude of 6500 feet. The narrow-gauge railway
+ends at Kathgodam, fifteen miles from Naini Tal, and the last four
+miles to the hill-station have to be ridden up, I should imagine,
+the steepest road in the world. It is like the side of a house.
+People have before now slipped over their horses' tails going up
+that terrific ascent, and I cannot conceive how the horses' girths
+manage to hold. Naini Tal is a delightful spot, with bungalows
+peeping out of dense greenery that fringes a clear lake. As in
+most hill-stations, the narrow riding tracks are scooped out of
+the hillsides with a perpendicular drop of, say, 500 feet on one
+side. These khudd paths, in addition to being very narrow, are so
+precipitous that it takes some while getting used to riding along
+them. A rather tiresome elderly spinster had come up to Naini Tal
+on a visit to a relative, and was continually bewailing the
+dangers of these khudd paths. She had hoped, she declared, to put
+on a little flesh in the hills, but her constant anxiety about the
+khudds was making her thinner than ever. A humorous subaltern,
+rather bored at these continual laments, observed to her: "At all
+events, Miss Smith, you'll have one consolation. If by any piece
+of bad luck you should fall over the khudd, you'll go over thin,
+but you'll fall down plump--a thousand feet."
+
+The very evening that Lord Lansdowne arrived for his projected
+tour, the news of a serious outbreak in Manipur was telegraphed.
+The Viceroy at once decided to abandon his tour and to proceed
+straight to Simla, to which the Government offices had already
+moved, and where his presence would be urgently required. Lord
+William Beresford, the Military Secretary, a prince of organisers,
+at once took possession of the telegraph wires, and in two hours
+his arrangements were complete--or as an Anglo-Indian would put
+it, "he had made his bundobust." The Viceroy and my sister were to
+leave next morning at 6 a.m., and Lord William undertook to get
+them to Simla by special trains before midnight. He actually
+landed them there by 11 p.m.--quite a record journey, for Naini
+Tal is 407 miles from Simla, of which 75 miles have to be ridden
+or driven by road and 66 are by narrow-gauge railway, on which
+high speeds are impossible. There were 6500 feet to descend from
+Naini, and 6000 feet to ascend to Simla, but in India a good
+organiser can accomplish miracles.
+
+The Viceroy's tour being abandoned, Colonel Erskine, the
+Commissioner for the Kumaon district, invited me to accompany him
+on his own official tour. It was through very difficult country
+where no wheeled traffic could pass, so we were to ride, with all
+our belongings carried by coolies. I bought two hill-ponies the
+size of Newfoundland dogs for myself and my "bearer," and we
+started. The little animals being used to carrying packs, have a
+disconcerting trick of keeping close to the very edge of the
+khudd, for experience has taught them that to bump their load
+against the rock wall on the inner side gives them an unpleasant
+jar. These little hill-ponies are wonderfully sure-footed, and can
+climb like cats over dry water-courses piled with rocks and great
+boulders, which a man on foot would find difficult to negotiate.
+The rhododendrons were then in full flower, and the hills were one
+blaze of colour. We were always going up and up, and as we
+ascended, the deep crimson rhododendron flowers of Naini Tal
+gradually faded to rose-colour, from rose-colour to pale pink, and
+from pink to pure white. It was a perfect education travelling
+with Colonel Erskine, for that shrewd and kindly old Scotsman had
+spent half his life in India, and knew the Oriental inside out.
+The French have an expression, "se fourrer dans la peau d'autrui,"
+"to shove yourself into another person's skin," and therefore to
+be able to see things as they would present themselves to the mind
+of a man of a different race and of a different mentality, and
+from his point of view. All young diplomats are enjoined to
+cultivate this art, and some few succeed in doing so. Colonel
+Erskine had it to perfection. On arriving in a village he would
+call for a carpet, and a dirty cotton dhuree would be laid on the
+round. He would then order a charpoy, or native bed, to be placed
+on the carpet, and he would seat himself on it, and call out in
+the vernacular, "Now, my children, what have you to tell me?" All
+this was strictly in accordance with immemorial Eastern custom.
+Then the long line of suppliants would approach, each one with a
+present of an orange, or a bunch of rhododendron flowers in his
+hand. This, again, from the very beginning of things has been the
+custom in the East (cf. 2 Kings, chap. viii, vers. 8, 9: "And the
+King said unto Hazael, Take a present in thine hand, and go, meet
+the man of God.... So Hazael went to meet him, and took a present
+with him"). Colonel Erskine was a great stickler for these
+presents, and as they could be picked off the nearest rhododendron
+bush, they cost the donor nothing.
+
+The outpouring of grievences and complaints then began, each
+applicant always ending with the two-thousand-year-old cry of
+India, "Dohai, Huzoor!" ("Justice, my lord!") The old Commissioner
+meanwhile listened intently, dictating copious notes to his
+Brahmin clerk, and at the conclusion of the audience he would cry,
+"Go, my children. Justice shall be done to all of you," and we
+moved on to another village. It was very pleasant seeing the
+patriarchal relations between the Commissioner and the villagers.
+He understood them and their customs thoroughly; they trusted him
+and loved him as their official father. I fancy that this type of
+Indian Civil servant, knowing the people he has to deal with down
+to the very marrow of their bones, has become rarer of late years.
+The Brahmin clerk was a very intelligent man, and spoke English
+admirably, but I took a great dislike to him, noting the abject
+way in which the natives fawned on him. Colonel Erskine had to
+discharge him soon afterwards, as he found that he had been
+exploiting the villagers mercilessly for years, taking bribes
+right and left. From much experience Colonel Erskine was an adept
+at travelling with what he termed "a light camp." He took with him
+a portable office-desk, a bookcase with a small reference library,
+and two portable arm-chairs. All these were carried in addition to
+our baggage and bedding on coolies' heads, for our sleeping-places
+were seldom more than fifteen miles apart.
+
+The Commissioner's old Khansama had very strict ideas as to how a
+"Sahib's" dinner should be served. He insisted on decorating the
+table with rhododendron flowers, and placing on it every night
+four dishes of Moradabad metal work containing respectively six
+figs, six French plums, six dates, and six biscuits, all reposing
+on the orthodox lace-paper mats, and the moment dinner was over he
+carefully replaced these in pickle-jars for use next evening. We
+would have broken his heart had we spoiled the symmetry of his
+dishes by eating any of these. It takes a little practice to
+master bills of fare written in "Kitmutar English," and for
+"Irishishtew" and "Anchoto" to be resolved into Irish-stew and
+Anchovy-toast. Once when a Viceroy was on tour there was a roast
+gosling for dinner. This duly appeared on the bill-of-fare as
+"Roasted goose's pup." In justice, however, we must own that we
+would make far greater blunders in trying to write a menu in Urdu.
+
+The Kumaon district is beautiful, not unlike an enlarged Scotland,
+with deep ravines scooped out by clear, rushing rivers, their
+precipitous sides clothed with dense growths of deodaras. In the
+early morning the view of the long range of the snowy pinnacles of
+the Himalayas was splendid. I learnt a great deal from wise old
+Colonel Erskine with his intimate knowledge of the workings of the
+native mind, and of the psychology of the Oriental.
+
+There is something very touching in the fidelity of Indian native
+servants to their employers. Lady Lansdowne returned to India
+eighteen years after leaving it, for the marriage of her son (who
+was killed in the first three months of the war) to Lord Minto's
+daughter, and I accompanied her. One afternoon all the pensioned
+Government House servants who had been in Lord Lansdowne's
+employment arrived in a body to offer their "salaams" to my
+sister. They presented a very different appearance to the
+resplendent beings in scarlet and gold whom I had formerly known,
+for on taking their pension they had ceased troubling to dye their
+beards, and they were merely dressed in plain white cotton. These
+grey-bearded, toothless old men with their high, aquiline features
+(they were nearly all Mohammedans), flowing white garments and
+turbans, might have stepped bodily out of stained-glass windows.
+They had brought with them all the little presents (principally
+watches) which my sister had given them; they remembered all the
+berths she had secured for their sons, and the letters she had
+written on their behalf. An Oriental has a very long memory for a
+kindness as well as for an injury done him. Lady Lansdowne, whose
+Hindustani had become rather rusty, began feverishly turning over
+the pages of a dictionary in an endeavour to express her feelings
+and the pleasure she experienced in seeing these faithful
+retainers again: she wept, and the old men wept, and we all
+agreed, as elderly people will, that in former days the sun was
+brighter and life altogether rosier than in these degenerate
+times. Before leaving, the old servants simultaneously lifted
+their arms in the Mahommedan gesture of blessing, with all the
+innate dignity of the Oriental; it was really a very touching
+sight, nor do I think that the very substantial memento of their
+visit which each of them received had anything to do with their
+attitude: they only wished to show that they were "faithful to
+their salt."
+
+It is difficult to determine the age of a native, as wrinkles and
+lines do not show on a dark skin. Dark skins have other
+advantages. One of the European Examiners of Calcutta University
+told me that there had been great trouble about the examination-
+papers. By some means the native students always managed to obtain
+what we may term "advance" copies of these papers. My informant
+devised a scheme to stop this leakage. Instead of having the
+papers printed in the usual fashion, he called in the services of
+a single white printer on whom he could absolutely rely. The white
+printer had the papers handed to him early on the morning of the
+examination day, and he duly set them up on a hand-press in the
+building itself. The printer had one assistant, a coolie clad only
+in loin-cloth and turban, and every time the coolie left the room
+he was made to remove both his loin-cloth and turban, so that by
+no possibility could he have any papers concealed about him. In
+spite of these precautions, it was clear from internal evidence
+that some of the students had had a previous knowledge of the
+questions. How had it been managed? It eventually appeared that
+the coolie, taking advantage of the momentary absence of the white
+printer, had whipped off his loin-cloth, SAT DOWN ON THE "FORM,"
+and then replaced his solitary garment. When made to strip on
+going out, the printing-ink did not show on his dark skin: he had
+only to sit down elsewhere on a large sheet of white paper for the
+questions to be printed off on it, and they could then easily be
+read in a mirror. The Oriental mind is very subtle.
+
+This is no place to speak of the marvels of Mogul architecture in
+Agra and Delhi. I do not believe that there exists in the world a
+more exquisitely beautiful hall than the Diwan-i-Khas in Delhi
+palace. This hall, open on one side to a garden, is entirely built
+of transparent white marble inlaid with precious stones, and with
+its intricate gilded ceilings, and wonderful pierced-marble
+screens it justifies the famous Persian inscription that runs
+round it:
+
+    "If heaven can be on the face of the earth,
+    It is this, it is this, it is this."
+
+I always regret that Shah Jehan did not carry out his original
+intention of erecting a second Taj of black marble for himself at
+Agra, opposite the wonderful tomb he built for his beloved Muntaz-
+i-Mahal; probably the money ran out. Few people take in that the
+dome of the Taj, that great airy white soap-bubble, is actually
+higher than the dome of St. Paul's. The play of fancy and
+invention of Shah Jehan's architects seems inexhaustible. All the
+exquisite white marble pavilions of Agra palace differ absolutely
+both in design and decoration, and Akbar's massive red sandstone
+buildings make the most perfect foil to them that could be
+conceived.
+
+Lucknow is one of the pleasantest stations in India, with its ring
+of encircling parks, and the broad, tree-shaded roads of its
+cantonments, but the pretentious monuments with which the city is
+studded will not bear examination after the wonders of Agra and
+Delhi. The King of Oude wished to surpass the Mogul Emperors by
+the magnificence of his buildings, but he wished, too, to do it on
+the cheap. So in Lucknow stucco, with very debased details,
+replaces the stately red sandstone and marble of the older cities.
+
+In 1890 after a long day's sight-seeing in Lucknow, in the course
+of which we ascended the long exterior flight of steps of the
+great Imambarah on an elephant (who proved himself as nimble as a
+German waiter in going upstairs), Lady Lansdowne and I were taken
+to the Husainabad just as the short-lived Indian twilight was
+falling. On passing through its great gateway I thought that I had
+never in my life seen anything so beautiful. At the end of a long
+white marble-paved court, a stately black-and-white marble tomb
+with a gilded dome rose from a flight of steps. Down the centre of
+the court ran a long pool of clear water, surrounded by a gilded
+railing. On either side of the court stood great clumps of
+flowering shrubs, also enclosed in gilded railings. At the far
+end, a group of palms were outlined in jet black against that
+vivid lemon-coloured afterglow only seen in hot countries;
+peacocks, perched on the walls of the court, stood out duskily
+purple against the glowing expanse of saffron sky, and the
+sleeping waters of the long pool reflected the golden glory of the
+flaming vault above them.
+
+In the hush of the evening, and the half-light, the scene was
+lovely beyond description, and for eighteen years I treasured in
+my mind the memory of the Husainabad at sunset as the vision of my
+life.
+
+On returning to Lucknow in 1906, I insisted on going at once to
+revisit the Husainabad, though I was warned that there was nothing
+to see there. Alas! in broad daylight and in the glare of the
+fierce sun the whole place looked abominably tawdry. What I had
+taken for black-and-white marble was only painted stucco, and
+coarsely daubed at that; the details of the decoration were
+deplorable, and the Husainabad was just a piece of showy,
+meretricious tinsel. The gathering dusk and the golden expanse of
+the Indian sunset sky had by some subtle wizardry thrown a veil of
+glamour over this poor travesty of the marvels of Delhi and Agra.
+So a long-cherished ideal was hopelessly shattered, which is
+always a melancholy thing.
+
+We are all slaves to the economic conditions under which we live,
+and the present exorbitant price of paper is a very potent factor
+in the making of books. I am warned by my heartless publishers
+that I have already exceeded my limits. There are many things in
+India of which I would speak: of big-game hunts in Assam; of near
+views of the mighty snows of the Himalayas; of jugglers and their
+tricks, and of certain unfamiliar aspects of native life. The
+telling of these must be reserved for another occasion, for it is
+impossible in the brief compass of a single chapter to do more
+than touch the surface of things in the vast Empire, the origin of
+whose history is lost in the mists of time.
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+
+Matters left untold--The results of improved communications--My
+father's journey to Naples--Modern stereotyped uniformity--Changes
+in customs--The faithful family retainer Some details--Samuel
+Pepys' stupendous banquets--Persistence of idea--Ceremonial
+incense--Patriarchal family life--The barn dances--My father's
+habits--My mother--A son's tribute--Autumn days--Conclusion.
+
+I had hoped to tell of reef-fishing in the West Indies; of surf-
+riding on planks at Muizenberg in South Africa; of the extreme
+inconvenience to which the inhabitants of Southern China are
+subjected owing to the inconsiderate habits of their local devils;
+of sapphire seas where coco-nut palms toss their fronds in the
+Trade wind over gleaming-white coral beaches; of vast frozen
+tracts in the Far North where all animate life seems suspended; of
+Japanese villages clinging to green hill-sides where boiling
+springs gush out of the cliffs in clouds of steam, and of many
+other things besides, for it has been my good fortune to have seen
+most of the surface of this globe. But all these must wait until
+the present preposterous price of paper has descended to more
+normal levels.
+
+I consider myself exceptionally fortunate in having lived at a
+time when modern conveniences of transport were already in
+existence, but had not yet produced their inevitable results. It
+is quite sufficiently obvious that national customs and national
+peculiarities are being smoothed out of existence by facilities of
+travel. My father and mother, early in their married life, drove
+from London to Naples in their own carriage, the journey occupying
+over a month. They left their own front door in London, had their
+carriage placed on the deck of the Channel steamer, sat in it
+during the passage (what a singularly uncomfortable resting-place
+it must have been should they have encountered bad weather!), and
+continued their journey on the other side. During their leisurely
+progress through France and Italy, they must have enjoyed
+opportunities of studying the real life of these countries which
+are denied the passengers in a rapide, jammed in amongst a
+cosmopolitan crew in the prosaic atmosphere of dining and sleeping
+cars, and scarcely bestowing a passing glance on the country
+through which they are being whirled. Even in my time I have seen
+marked changes, and have witnessed the gradual disappearance of
+national costumes, and of national types of architecture. Every
+capital in Europe seems to adopt in its modern buildings a
+standardised type of architecture. No sojourner in any of the big
+modern hotels, which bear such a wearisome family likeness to each
+other, could tell in which particular country he might happen to
+find himself, were it not for the scraps of conversation which
+reach his ears, for the externals all look alike, and even the
+cooking has, with a greater or less degree of success, been
+standardised to the requisite note of monotony. Travellers may be
+divided into two categories: those who wish to find on foreign
+soil the identical conditions to which they have been accustomed
+at home, and those searching for novelty of outlook and novelty of
+surroundings. The former will welcome the process of planing down
+national idiosyncrasies into one dead level of uniformity of type,
+the latter will deplore it; but this, like many other things, is a
+matter of individual taste.
+
+The ousting of the splendid full-rigged ships by stumpy, unlovely
+tramp-steamers in the Hooghly River, to which I have already
+referred, is only one example of the universal disappearance of
+the picturesque. In twenty-five years' time, every one will be
+living in a drab-coloured, utilitarian world, from which most of
+the beauty and every scrap of local colour will have been
+successfully eliminated. I am lucky in having seen some of it.
+
+I have also witnessed great changes in social habits. I do not
+refer so much to the removal of the rigid lines of demarcation
+formerly prevailing in English Society, as to the disappearance of
+certain accepted standards. For instance, in my young days the
+possibility of appearing in Piccadilly in anything but a high hat
+and a tail coat was unthinkable, as was the idea of sitting down
+to dinner in anything but a white tie. Modern usage has common
+sense distinctly on its side. Again, in my youth the old drinking
+customs lingered, especially at the Universities. Though
+personally I have never been able to extract the faintest
+gratification from the undue consumption of alcohol, my friends do
+not seem to have invariably shared my tastes. I am certain of one
+thing: it is to the cigarette that the temperate habits of the
+twentieth century are due. Nicotine knocked port and claret out in
+the second round. The acclimatisation of the cigarette in England
+only dates from the "seventies." As a child I remember that the
+only form of tobacco indulged in by the people that I knew was the
+cigar. A cigarette was considered an effeminate foreign
+importation; a pipe was unspeakably vulgar.
+
+In my mother's young days before her marriage, the old hard-
+drinking habits of the Regency and of the eighteenth century still
+persisted. At Woburn Abbey it was the custom for the trusted old
+family butler to make his nightly report to my grandmother in the
+drawing-room. "The gentlemen have had a good deal to-night; it
+might be as well for the young ladies to retire," or "The
+gentlemen have had very little to-night," was announced according
+to circumstances by this faithful family retainer. Should the
+young girls be packed off upstairs, they liked standing on an
+upper gallery of the staircase to watch the shouting, riotous
+crowd issuing from the dining-room. My father very rarely touched
+wine, and I believe that it was the fact that he, then an Oxford
+undergraduate, was the only sober young man amongst the rowdy
+troop of roysterers that first drew my mother to him, though he
+had already proposed marriage to her at a children's party given
+by the Prince Regent at Carlton House, when they were respectively
+seven and six years old. My father had succeeded to the title at
+the age of six, and they were married as soon as he came of age.
+They lived to celebrate their golden wedding, which two of my
+sisters, the late Duchess of Buccleuch and Lady Lansdowne, were
+also fortunate enough to do, and I can say with perfect truth that
+in all three instances my mother and her daughters celebrated
+fifty years of perfect happiness, unclouded save for the gaps
+which death had made amongst their children.
+
+Students of Pepys' Diary must have gasped with amazement at
+learning of the prodigious quantities of food considered necessary
+in the seventeenth century for a dinner of a dozen people. Samuel
+Pepys gives us several accounts of his entertainments, varying,
+with a nice sense of discrimination, the epithet with which he
+labels his dinners. Here is one which he gave to ten people, in
+1660, which he proudly terms "a very fine dinner." "A dish of
+marrow-bones; a leg of mutton; a loin of veal; a dish of fowl;
+three pullets, and two dozen of larks, all in a dish; a great
+tart; a neat's tongue; a dish of anchovies; a dish of prawns, and
+cheese." On another occasion, in 1662, Pepys having four guests
+only, merely gave them what he modestly describes as "a pretty
+dinner." "A brace of stewed carps; six roasted chickens; a jowl of
+salmon; a tanzy; two neats' tongues, and cheese." For six
+distinguished guests in 1663 he provided "a noble dinner." (I like
+this careful grading of epithets.) "Oysters; a hash of rabbits; a
+lamb, and a rare chine of beef, Next a great dish of roasted fowl
+cost me about thirty shillings; a tart, fruit and cheese." Pepys
+anxiously hopes that this was enough! One is pleased to learn that
+on all three occasions his guests enjoyed themselves, and that
+they were "very merry," but however did they manage to hold one
+quarter of this prodigious amount of food?
+
+The curious idea that hospitality entailed the proffering of four
+times the amount of food that an average person could assimilate,
+persisted throughout the eighteenth century and well into the
+"seventies" of the nineteenth century. I remember as a child, on
+the rare occasion when I was allowed to "sit up" for dinner, how
+interminable that repast seemed. That may have been due to the
+fact that my brother and I were forbidden to eat anything except a
+biscuit or two. The idea that human beings required perpetual
+nourishment was so deep-grounded that, to the end of my father's
+life, the "wine and water tray" was brought in nightly before the
+ladies went to bed. This tray contained port, sherry and claret, a
+silver kettle of hot water, sugar, lemons and nutmeg, as well as
+two large plates of sandwiches. All the ladies devoured wholly
+superfluous sandwiches, and took a glass of wine and hot water
+before retiring. I think people would be surprised to find how
+excellent a beverage the obsolete "negus" is. Let them try a glass
+of either port, sherry, or claret, with hot water, sugar, a
+squeeze of lemon, and a dusting of nutmeg, and I think that they
+will agree with me.
+
+A custom, I believe, peculiar to our family, was the burning of
+church incense in the rooms after dinner. At the conclusion of
+dinner, the groom-of-the-chambers walked round the dining-room,
+solemnly swinging a large silver censer. This dignified thurifer
+then made the circuit of the other rooms, plying his censer. From
+the conscientious manner in which he fulfilled his task, I fear
+that an Ecclesiastical Court might have found that this came under
+the heading of "incense used ceremonially."
+
+My father had one peculiarity; he never altered his manner of
+living, whether the house was full of visitors, or he were alone
+with my mother, after his children had married and left him. At
+Baron's Court, when quite by themselves, they used the large
+rooms, and had them all lighted up at night, exactly as though the
+house was full of guests. There was to my mind something very
+touching in seeing an aged couple, after more than fifty years of
+married life together, still preserving the affectionate relations
+of lovers with each other. They played their chess together
+nightly in a room ninety-eight feet long, and delighted in still
+singing together, in the quavering tones of old age, the simple
+little Italian duets that they had sung in the far-off days of
+their courtship. As his years increased, my father did not care to
+venture much beyond the circle of his own family, though as
+thirteen of his children had grown up, and he had seven married
+daughters, the two elder of whom had each thirteen children of her
+own, the number of his immediate descendants afforded him a fairly
+wide field of selection. In his old age he liked to have his five
+sons round him all the winter, together with their wives and
+children. Accordingly, every October my three married brothers
+arrived at Baron's Court with their entire families, and remained
+there till January, so that the house persistently rang with
+children's laughter. What with governesses, children, nurses and
+servants, this meant thirty-three extra people all through the
+winter, so it was fortunate that Baron's Court was a large house,
+and that there was plenty of room left for other visitors. It
+entailed no great hardship on the sons, for the autumn salmon-
+fishing in the turbulent Mourne is excellent, there was abundance
+of shooting, and M. Gouffe, the cook, was a noted artist.
+
+Both my father and mother detested publicity, or anything in the
+nature of self-advertisement, which only shows how hopelessly out
+of touch they would have been with modern conditions.
+
+My father was also old-fashioned enough to read family prayers
+every morning and every Sunday evening; he was very particular,
+too, about Sunday observance, now almost fallen into desuetude, so
+neither the thud of lawn-tennis racquets nor the click of
+billiard-balls were ever heard on that day, and no one would have
+dreamed of playing cards on Sunday.
+
+It would be difficult to convey any idea of the pleasant family
+life in that isolated spot tucked away amongst the Tyrone
+mountains; of the long tramps over the bogs after duck and snipe;
+of the struggles with big salmon; of the sailing-matches on the
+lakes; of the grouse and the woodcocks; of the theatrical
+performances, the fun and jollity, and all the varied incidents
+which make country life so fascinating to those brought up to it.
+
+It was the custom at Baron's Court to have two annual dances in
+the barn to celebrate "Harvest Home" and Christmas, and to these
+dances my father, and my brother after him, invited every single
+person in their employ, and all the neighbouring farmers and their
+wives. Any one hoping to shine at a barn-dance required
+exceptionally sound muscles, for the dancing was quite a serious
+business. The so-called barn was really a long granary,
+elaborately decorated with wreaths of evergreens, flags, and
+mottoes. The proceedings invariably commenced with a dance
+(peculiar, I think, to the north of Ireland) known as "Haste to
+the Wedding." It is a country dance, but its peculiarity lies in
+the fact that instead of the couples standing motionless opposite
+to one another, they are expected to "set to each other," and to
+keep on doing steps without intermission; all this being, I
+imagine, typical of the intense eagerness every one was supposed
+to express to reach the scene of the wedding festivities as
+quickly as possible. Twenty minutes of "Haste to the Wedding" are
+warranted to exhaust the stoutest leg-muscles. My mother always
+led off with the farm-bailiff as partner, my father at the other
+end dancing with the bailiff's wife. Both my father, and my
+brother after him, were very careful always to wear their Garter
+as well as their other Orders on these occasions, in order to show
+respect to their guests. Scotch reels and Irish jigs alternated
+with "The Triumph," "Flowers of Edinburgh," and other country
+dances, until feet and legs refused their office; and still the
+fiddles scraped, and feet, light or heavy, belaboured the floor
+till 6 a.m. The supper would hardly have come up to London
+standards, for instead of light airy nothings, huge joints of
+roast and boiled were aligned down the tables. Some of the
+stricter Presbyterians, though fond of a dance, experienced
+conscientious qualms about it. So they struck an ingenious
+compromise with their consciences by dancing vigorously whilst
+assuming an air of intense misery, as though they were undergoing
+some terrible penance. Every one present enjoyed these barn-dances
+enormously.
+
+My father was an admirable speaker of the old-fashioned school,
+with calculated pauses, an unusual felicity in the choice of his
+epithets, and a considerable amount of gesticulation. The veteran
+Lord Chaplin is the last living exponent of this type of oratory.
+Although my father prepared his speeches very carefully indeed, he
+never made a single written note. He had a beautiful speaking
+voice and a prodigious memory; this memory, he knew from
+experience, would not fail him. An excellent shot himself both
+with gun and rifle, and a good fisherman, to the end of his life
+he maintained his interest in sport and in all the pursuits of the
+younger life around him, for he was very human.
+
+It is difficult for a son to write impartially of his mother. My
+mother's character was a blend of extreme simplicity and great
+dignity, with a limitless gift of sympathy for others. I can say
+with perfect truth that, throughout her life, she succeeded in
+winning the deep love of all those who were brought into constant
+contact with her. Very early in life she fell under the influence
+of the Evangelical movement, which was then stirring England to
+its depths, and she throughout her days remained faithful to its
+tenets. It could be said of her that, though, in the world, she
+was not of the world. Owing to force of circumstances, she had at
+times to take her position in the world, and no one could do it
+with greater dignity, or more winning grace; but the atmosphere of
+London, both physical and social, was distasteful to her. She had
+an idea that the smoke-laden London air affected her lungs, and,
+apart from the pleasure of seeing the survivors of the very
+intimate circle of friends of her young days, London had few
+attractions for her; all her interests were centred in the
+country, in country people, and country things. Although deeply
+religious, her religion had no gloom about it, for her
+inextinguishable love of a joke, and irrepressible sense of fun,
+remained with her to the end of her life, and kept her young in
+spite of her ninety-three years. From the commencement of her
+married life, my mother had been in the habit of "visiting" in the
+village twice a week, and in every cottage she was welcomed as a
+friend, for in addition to her gift of sympathy, she had a memory
+almost as tenacious as my father's, and remembered the names of
+every one of the cottagers' children, knew where they were
+employed, and whom they had married. With the help of her maid, my
+mother used to compound a cordial, bottles of which she
+distributed amongst the cottagers, a cordial which gained an
+immense local reputation. The ingredients of this panacea were one
+part of strong iron-water to five parts of old whisky, to which
+sal-volatile, red lavender, cardamoms, ginger, and other warming
+drugs were added. "Her Grace's bottle," as it was invariably
+termed, achieved astonishing popularity, and the most marvellous
+cures were ascribed to it. I have sometimes wondered whether its
+vogue would have been as great had the whisky been eliminated from
+its composition. In her home under the Sussex downs, amidst the
+broad stretches of heather-clad common, the beautiful Tudor stone-
+built old farm-houses, and the undulating woodlands of that most
+lovable and typically English county, she continued, to the end of
+her life, visiting amongst her less fortunate neighbours, and
+finding friends in every house. Her immense vitality and power of
+entering into the sorrows and enjoyments of others, led at times
+to developments very unexpected in the case of one so aged. For
+instance, a small great-nephew of mine had had a pair of stilts
+given him. The boy was clumsy at learning to use them, and my
+mother, who in her youth, could perform every species of trick
+upon stilts, was discovered by her trained nurse mounted on stilts
+and perambulating the garden on them, in her eighty-sixth year,
+for the better instruction of her little great-grandson. Again,
+during a great rat-hunt we had organised, the nurse missed her
+ninety-year-old charge, to discover her later, in company with the
+stable-boy, behind a barn, both of them armed with sticks,
+intently watching a rat-hole into which the stable-boy had just
+inserted a ferret.
+
+My mother travelled up to London on one occasion to consult a
+celebrated oculist, and confided to him that she was growing
+apprehensive about her eyesight, as she began to find it difficult
+to read small print by lamplight. The man of Harley Street, after
+a careful examination of his patient's eyes, asked whether he
+might inquire what her age was. On receiving the reply that she
+had been ninety on her last birthday, the specialist assured her
+that his experience led him to believe that cases of failing
+eyesight were by no means unusual at that age.
+
+My mother had known all the great characters that had flitted
+across the European stage at the beginning of the nineteenth
+century: Talleyrand, Metternich, the great Duke of Wellington, and
+many others. With her wonderful memory, she was a treasure-house
+of anecdotes of these and other well-known personages, which she
+narrated with all the skill of the born reconteuse. She belonged,
+too, to an age in which letter-writing was cultivated as an art,
+and was regarded as an intellectual relaxation. At the time of her
+death she had one hundred and sixty-nine direct living
+descendants: children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and
+great-great-grandchildren, in addition to thirty-seven
+grandchildren and great-grandchildren by marriage. She kept in
+touch with all her descendants by habitually corresponding with
+them, and the advice given by this shrewd, wise old counsellor,
+with her ninety years of experience, was invariably followed by
+its recipients. She made a point of travelling to London to attend
+the weddings of every one of her descendants, and even journeyed
+up to be present at the Coronation of King Edward in her ninetieth
+year. It is given to but few to see their GRANDSON'S GRANDSON; it
+is granted to fewer to live ninety-three years with the full use
+of every intellectual faculty, and the retention of but slightly
+impaired bodily powers; and seldom is it possible to live to so
+great an age with the powers of enjoyment and of unabated interest
+in the lives of others still retained.
+
+She never returned to Ireland after her widowhood, but was able,
+up to the end of her life, to pay a yearly autumn visit to her
+beloved Scotland. And so, under the rolling Sussex downs, amidst
+familiar woodlands and villages, full of years, and surrounded by
+the lore of all those who knew her, the long day closed.
+
+I think that there is a passage in the thirty-first chapter of
+Proverbs which says: "Her children rise up and call her blessed."
+
+I have reached my appointed limits, leaving unsaid one-half of the
+things I had wished to narrate. Reminiscences come crowding in
+unbidden, and, like the flickering lights of the Will-o'-the-wisp,
+they tend to lead the wayfarer far astray from the path he had
+originally traced out for himself. "Jack-o'-lanthorn" is
+proverbially a fickle guide to follow, and should I have succumbed
+to his lure, I can only proffer my excuses, and plead in
+extenuation that sixty years is such a long road to re-travel that
+an occasional deviation into a by-path by elderly feet may perhaps
+be forgiven.
+
+Charles Kingsley, in the "Water-Babies", has put some very
+touching lines into the mouth of the old school-dame in Vendale,
+lines which come home with pathetic force to persons of my time of
+life.
+
+    "When all the world is young, lad,
+    And all the trees are green;
+    And every goose a swan, lad,
+    And every lass a queen;
+    Then hey for boot and horse, lad,
+    And round the world away;
+    Young blood must have its course, lad
+    And every dog his day.
+
+    "When all the world is old, lad,
+    And all the trees are brown;
+    And all the sport is stale, lad,
+    And all the wheels run down;
+    Creep home, and take your place there,
+    The old and spent among:
+    God grant you find one face there
+    You loved when all was young."
+
+I protest indignantly against the idea that all the wheels are run
+down; nor are the trees yet brown, for kindly autumn, to soften us
+to the inevitable passing of summer, touches the trees with her
+magic wand, and forthwith they blaze with crimson and russet-gold,
+pale-gold and flaming copper-red.
+
+In the mellow golden sunshine of the still October days it is
+sometimes difficult to realise that the glory of the year has
+passed beyond recall, though the sunshine has no longer the genial
+warmth of July, and the more delicate flowers are already
+shrivelled by the first furtive touches of winter's finger-tips.
+Experience has taught us that the many-hued glory of autumn is
+short-lived; the faintest breeze brings the leaves fluttering to
+the ground in golden showers. Soon the few that remain will patter
+gently down to earth, their mother. Winter comes.
+
+
+
+End Project Gutenberg's The Days Before Yesterday, by Lord Frederic Hamilton
+
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